-Hello, everyone!
Welcome to the "The Tonight
Show: At-Home Edition."
My name is Jimmy Fallon
and it is Friday!
[ Whistles ]
I wish I could whistle
but that's as hard as I --
that's as loud
as I can whistle.
Anyways, I'm very excited,
looking forward to the weekend
and we have a very fun week
of shows next week.
We're doing a best-of week.
This is the best of not
just "The Tonight Show"
but also "Late Night,"
selected by me
and the staffers that work
at the "The Tonight Show"
and "Late Night."
So you'll get to meet my staff
and you'll get to see
some of our favorite sketches
that we've ever done
and interviews and fun
bits that we've seen.
So tune in all next week.
It's going to be best of,
best of, best of "Tonight Show"
and "Late Night,"
the past 11 years.
I think you're going to love it.
Let's get too some news,
everybody.
Well, guys, I want to wish
everyone a happy
Memorial Day weekend.
That's right, a three-day
weekend would be exciting
if we weren't already in
the middle of a 71-day weekend.
That's right. A lot of people
have barbecues this weekend
but the price of hamburgers
and hot dogs have skyrocketed
due to the meat shortage.
When they heard that,
dads everywhere were like "Well,
well, well, now who's dumb
for not cleaning
last year's meat off the grill?
Grab a toothpick and have at it,
junior."
If you are hosting a barbecue,
it's still important
to social distance, everyone.
So this year instead of grilling
in the classic
"kiss the cook" apron,
you might want to try
one of these other options.
For instance, there's,
"Who has two thumbs, a grill
and hasn't seen another human
in eight weeks?
This guy!"
This next one says, "This is
the only clean thing I own."
Here's one that says, "2020 is
the Hunt's ketchup of years."
[ Laughs ]
Yeah.
It's just a drag, you know.
And nothing -- I have nothing
against Hunt's.
-Hunt's is like
the new Larry King.
I don't -- for the jokes.
-What do you mean?
-Larry King used to be
the number-one go-to joke.
-Yeah, but that was only
for a couple weeks.
-[ Laughs ] Now it's Hunt's.
-Yeah, this is like the third
time we've hit Hunt's, right?
-Yeah, yeah.
-Since the quarantine.
-Hunt's is the new Larry King,
yeah.
-We don't hit Larry King
that much.
We hit him a couple times.
-Not anymore.
-Not anymore,
that was years ago.
-Years ago.
-That was like
15 years ago, yeah.
Now, wouldn't even --
why would we do it?
-No, no.
-And finally this one says,
"If we run out of sanitizer,
there's White Claw
in the cooler."
Oh, you know that one would
sell, by the way.
-Yeah.
-Yeah.
Honey, let's get into
the T-shirt-apron business now.
-Now, this weekend.
-Bumper stickers.
Read my lips.
-Temporary tattoos.
-Sky-writing slogans.
Listen to this.
Netflix is going to start
canceling
customers' subscriptions
that haven't been used
in the past year.
You can tell Netflix
is getting cocky.
They're like, "Hey, you don't
break up with us.
We break up with you, okay?
Bye-bye.
See ya!"
Some TV news -- next week CBS
is airing a special
hosted by Jerry O'Connell.
We love Jerry.
-Love him.
-CBS is hosting a special hosted
by Jerry O'Connell
and Rebecca Romijn
called
"Haircut Night in America"
where stylists
will help celebrities
cut their hair at home.
When they heard that,
Netflix customers
who haven't used their account
in a year were like,
"I'm back, I'm back, I'm back.
Don't cancel everything,
come on, please!
Come on!"
That's right, CBS is airing
"Haircut Night in America."
Not to be outdone,
ABC is airing a special
"Manscaping with the Stars."
[ Laughs ]
I think Larry King's on it.
Well, after the success
of their 10-part
series on Michael Jordan,
ESPN is making a 9-part
series on Tom Brady.
And to make sure it's a hit,
the entire documentary
will be Michael Jordan
watching it on his iPad.
Hey, I saw that the daytime Emmy
nominations were just announced.
It was a bittersweet day
for NBC.
The first six hours
of the "Today"
show were nominated
but the next five were not.
Ooh.
Check this out.
I saw a new invention
that is a plastic bubble
that can be lowered
over people in restaurants
so they can eat
while being protected.
Take a look.
Yeah.
If you don't tip enough,
the waiter presses a button
and you get sucked
into the ceiling.
It's effective until an annoying
waiter squats
down underneath and goes,
"How is everything?
Are you enjoying everything?
You having a good din-din?
Okay.
Go at it.
Have at it.
Have at it, junior."
Finally, I read that
leaving hand sanitizer
in your hot car
can cause an explosion.
Anyway, enjoy your Memorial Day
road trip, everyone.
That's our monologue.
What a show we have tonight.
Seriously, some of my favs
of all time on the show tonight.
Jennifer Lopez is on the show!
We love J-Lo.
-Whoo!
-We really do.
Feeding America is her charity.
Jennifer and I are going to do
a TikTok dance challenge later.
I think you know
who's going to win.
-I do.
-And she's just the most fun.
I just -- honestly.
And then our second guest
tonight is Henry Winkler.
One of -- Don't even.
-Don't even.
-No, don't even.
-I can't.
-Honey, he's married for years.
-Actually, I was
doing that for Stacey.
-He's married to Stacey
for 40-something years.
He's amazing.
-Really --
-We got to meet them
through Andy Cohen
at Andy Cohen's party.
-Yeah.
-That was --
How great are those?
-Nope.
-We didn't want to leave.
We were bothering them I think.
I think they were like --
-I was like --
-They were giving
signs and stuff.
They were going like --
-To each other.
-"Oh, I think I see
a friend of mine."
I go,
"I don't see a friend of yours.
We're the only people here."
We're talking their heads off.
[ Laughter ]
I love them both.
But apparently Henry's
going to show me,
I think he has
the original Fonz jacket.
-No!
I can't.
-I mean, can you beat that guy?
Can he get cooler?
-Nope.
-No, you can't.
And great music tonight,
Twenty One Pilots.
Playing a song on our show
for the first time.
This new song they have,
"Level of Concern,"
it's number one right now
on the alternative songs chart.
We love Twenty One Pilots.
So thank you for coming
on our show and doing that.
I appreciate it.
You know what?
I'm a little stressed out.
I got to be honest.
I think I know where to go --
"The Thinking Tree."
Times can be
stressful these days.
So when I want to escape and be
alone with my thoughts,
I know just where to go.
This is "The Thinking Tree."
If you have a rug,
you're basically saying
I don't want my spills
to go onto the floor.
I want them to go onto
this fabric I bought.
Sometimes I feel bad
for my thumbs.
The other fingers are all
so close to each other.
I wish each of my thumbs
had another thumb
right next to it
to keep it company.
Hot Pockets is a good name
for a microwave meal,
but a great name
for a shoplifter.
Oh, here comes Hot Pockets.
If shorts are short pants,
then are short-shorts
short-short pants?
Is cauliflower just the ghost
of broccoli?
Ben and Jerry probably named
their ice cream Chubby Hubby
because no one wanted to eat
their original version,
Fat Husband.
Giving someone flowers
is basically saying,
I like you, so here's something
you can watch die.
This has been
"The Thinking Tree."
