Hello, I’m psychedelically Andrew Heaton
and you’re trippin’ on some primo Mostly
Weekly.
So last week, Jeff Session decided that facing
a snowpocalypse, nuclear annihilation,
and ongoing White House investigations,
now is good time to crack down on…
pot.
Sessions is rescinding a Obama-era memo
keeping federal prosecutors from charging
people for marijuana crimes
in states which have already legalized it.
Ahh but how could I be mad at that face?
There’s a notion that drug use is rare
and that drug users fall into two basic categories:
There’s the dangerous, crazy drug addict
from an after-school special
"Man everybody blows pot."
"Is that a joint man?"
Or the lazy, dumb stoner-type from the Cheech
and Chong film.
But drugs are a complex issue,
and it’s important to have a real conversation
about them.
You can have your opinion about drugs and
which should be legal.
But drug use isn't rare.
The National Survey on Drug Use and health
estimates
that 48.5 percent of all Americans over the
age of 12
have used an “illicit” drug at least once.
A more conservative estimate by the Mayo Clinic
still says at least 20 percent.
And that number is rising.
Drug use is accelerating in certain unseemly
and dangerous demographics.
I am of course talking about the affluent,
the baby-boomers, and the women.
So when you picture a drug user, think Meryl
Streep.
"I'm out of control, totally."
But it’s not just the overrated actresses
of the world.
In fact, many of the most beloved and cherished
icons of history
ingested, snorted, smoked and injected drugs.
Don’t believe me?
Well f**k you here’s a list:
That’s right.
Winston Goddamn-Bowtie-Rocking, Jowls-Having,
Nazi-punching, Churchill.
After a stroke in 1953,
then-Prime Minister Winston Churchill was
prescribed Drinamyl.
Part Barbiturate, part amphetamine and 100%
illegal by today’s standards.
Not only did Churchill drink heavily,
he used Amphetamines like a Phi Beta Kappa
the night before finals.
Churchill even had affectionate nicknames
for the drug cocktails.
Like “Greens,” “Reds,” “Majors,”
“Minors,” and “Lord Morans”
in honor of his script-happy doctor.
In fact, in 1942 Lady Astor reportedly quipped,
“Winston, you’re ugly.”
To which, Churchill rejoined,
“ARE MY TEETH FALLING OUT?
I’VE GOT TO CLEAN THIS HOUSE.”
Had Winston Churchill been caught with that
type of amphetamine today
and had he been prosecuted to the fullest
extent of the law,
he would have received up to a year in prison.
Long before, cocaine became the drug of choice
for suspenders-clad, 80s banker dickbags,
cocaine made its way into the hands of America’s
most beloved inventor.
Edison drank it in a popular wine and became
a big advocate,
claiming cocaine boosted his powers of perception.
Edison’s drug use might explain why the
guy had over 1,093 patents.
Who else could’ve had the energy to invent
a crank-powered phonograph
other than some coked out guy wanting to drop
a beat.
Had Thomas Edison been caught with cocaine
today
and had he been prosecuted to the fullest
extent of the law,
he would have been charged with a felony and
served up to 3 years in prison.
Steve Jobs, turtleneck icon and founder of
some fruit company,
took LSD and spoke quite openly about its
importance in his life and career.
According to Jobs,
According his friend and coworker,
“LSD had been a very positive transformation
in having thought.”
“Sounds like there was a little fire between
you two.”
Hahahaha Jobs would’ve served 1 to 5 years
in prison for possession
and possible intent to distribute,
had he been prosecuted to the fullest extent
of the law.
American poet, playwright and Brooch sensation,
Gertrude Stein
was a nonconformist of many stripes.
In particular, her loose attitude towards
drug use.
Stein’s life partner, Alice B. Toklas even
went so far as to write a bestselling cookbook
that included, you guessed it, a recipe for
pot brownies.
If Stein or her partner Alice were caught
in one of 28 states
and had she been prosecuted to the fullest
extent of the law,
Jeff Sessions could have thrown her into the
clinker.
You might have mixed feelings about Rand.
But she did consume amphetamines.
Don’t believe me?
How else do you think Atlas Shrugged got to
be a 1,168-page doorstop.
In 1942, Rand was prescribed Benzedrine, a
type of amphetamine, to lose weight.
But instead, she found that Speed helped her
books to gain weight.
She took the drug to finish The Fountainhead
and averaged a chapter a week.
She was such a fan, she used amphetamines
for 30 years.
And if Rand were caught with that kind of
speed today,
she would have served a year in prison.
Thomas Jefferson is famous for the Louisiana
Purchase, the Declaration of Independence,
and embarrassingly, owning people.
In his latter years Jefferson drank laudanum
to ease his bowels.
And do you know what the principal ingredient
of laudanum is?
Show me Opium!
And had Jefferson been caught with opium today
and had he been prosecuted to the fullest
extent of the law,
he would have served a year in prison.
And drug use is so common among former U.S.
Presidents
it’s practically a requirement for the job.
Here’s a quick list of every President who
did drugs.
Maybe it’s why the most common drug use
device is… their face.
Those were just a couple famous and beloved
people who did drugs.
And so here are a few others we didn’t have
time for:
Carl Sagan, actually a big proponent of legalizing
pot.
Benjamin Franklin, even more of a rascal.
And Cary Grant!
And just for fun, here are a few obvious ones:
And finally Mr. Rogers, Neil deGrasse Tyson,
and Alf,
did …. NOT do drugs.
But what if you found out that they had?
Would it render their accomplishments less
valuable?
Would it change your admiration for Alf?
Now I’m not saying that drugs are good or
bad.
Drug use can be incredibly harmful in the
hands of an addict.
But drug policy is a complex issue with serious
consequences.
So let’s have a real conversation about
drugs.
We’re not doing any favors by reducing the
national conversation to a cornball PSA:
"Marijuana, the burning weed with it's roots
in hell!"
How much pot did you guys smoke?
