>> This episode of the Modern Rogue,
brought to you by Roman.
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and free two-day shipping.
>> Yeah man, take care of that thing.
Look, you don't have to worry about it,
none of us have to want to worry about it,
just get it done, take care of that.
>> Yeah, take care of it.
>> I don't even know
if Jason likes coffee.
This might be a really bad idea.
>> We'll just give him coffee,
because I don't care.
[Brian laughing]
I want to give it to,
I want to give him a gift.
No matter what.
>> Okay. Fair enough.
[record crackling]
>> Okay so I'm going
to guess that you don't
start with flavored gelatin.
I'm going to guess that you
add whatever flavors you want.
>> I'm not going to put
any rules or limitations
on the people watching.
>> Because otherwise,
it would be lemon-lime jello coffee.
And I don't think that's going to be good.
>> Now, I regret this whole setup here.
Because we just have plain gelatin.
>> All right how do we, where do we start?
>> I think people should know
that coffee jello is a thing.
And the whole reason
we're doing this episode
is because I just said,
"Hey, Brian, coffee jello."
>> I could do word salad, too.
>> Yes.
>> Look at me.
I can have a stroke.
>> And it is literally as
complicated as it sounds.
Coffee --
>> Just coffee and jello.
>> and jello, that's it.
I'm just going to give
you the ingredients,
which are gelatin --
>> Okay.
>> And you're just going to --
>> And see if I'm able to screw it up.
Okay.
>> Yeah.
>> Let's see.
Instructions on the back say --
>> Don't read those.
Even Jello wants to get
too fancy with jello.
This is like juice, fruit
punch mixture thing.
Just...
>> Four packages of gelatin.
>> For four cups of coffee.
Now, warning.
Anybody who is confronted by coffee jello,
they're going to start
eating it like jello
and it's not jello, it's coffee jello.
>> That's what I wanted to get to,
because I assumed that four cups
is like a whole pot of coffee.
My guess is you could
easily eat that much jello
and suddenly you're a little bit wired.
>> Yeah, I mean, do the math of you have
like a nine ounce cup of
coffee that you're sipping
over the course of 30, 45 minutes.
You got like a pound of jello.
You could just finish
that in a single sitting.
>> I'm smelling like
exam-time powers here.
>> So let's be careful.
>> Okay, so it's one cup of
coffee per oop, that's hot.
One cup of coffee per package of gelatin.
This looks like we have
what, five cups in there?
>> We'll find out,
because we have measuring
marks right there.
>> Oh, there we go.
Actual cups.
Cups is not just an imperial measurement.
So just keep going until I hit four cups?
>> JOHN: Yep.
>> That seems right, right?
And I assume, what?
Just mix it in there?
Get it all nice and even?
>> Just stir it.
>> Got it.
>> That's the hard part.
>> Is this one of those things
where it's like you
only have a few seconds
before it turns to like C-4 or something?
>> Probably.
I mean, I'm sure if we
had a qualified chef,
they would be telling
you exactly how to stir,
versus how not to stir.
But I wouldn't know
much about coffee jello,
because I'm just a partner
of the quarter at Starbucks
back in the day, back in the early odds.
>> I, number one, you have it.
Number two, you framed it.
Number three, I assume
these are your old uniforms.
>> Nobody said that.
Those were given to me in
perfectly legitimate ways.
>> We'll bleep out all
the corporate words.
Okay, so I think this
is all blended in now.
>> See, that looks pretty
good, but I know Jason,
and I know that Jason
kind of has a sweet tooth,
despite not liking chocolate,
but that's a whole another issue,
so I'm going to add a little Splenda,
because not a lot of people know this
about you, me and Jason.
We are fiends for non-sugar sweeteners.
>> Nope.
I take it black.
To be honest, what you're
doing is an abomination.
>> But --
>> If you want sugar
and spice, why did you order coffee?
>> That's a good question.
But I, like most good-hearted Americans
like my coffee sweet and milky.
>> Yeah, you know what?
I think I did a dumb thing
when I poured it right in,
because we've worked with gelatin before
and you want to really
pour in the liquid slow
and stir its way in.
>> Narrator: Slowly add
a little bit at a time
and you're going to mix it in.
What I've been told is
that stirring it cold
means you will not get as
many clumps or bubbles.
>> I'm going to add a
little more sweetener.
And you know what?
A little bit of cinnamon, because Brian,
what does cinnamon go in?
>> Hot chocolate.
>> Everything.
>> Okay.
>> Cinnamon goes in everything.
>> BRIAN: It's the MSG of sweet things.
>> JOHN: Yes.
Oh, I miss MSG.
>> Dude, I MSG in my eggs.
>> What?
>> I put it on everything.
I do.
>> Where do you get it?
>> You say, "Alexa, please send me MSG."
And then she says, "It comes
in this two-pound bag."
And I say, "Great."
And then I have it and
it goes in everything.
>> All right, good to know.
It seems like I'm going a
little crazy with the Splenda,
but keep in mind, this is
like four cups of coffee,
which to me, is like six cups of coffee,
once I add my sweetener and
cream and all that stuff.
>> Yeah, so so far, we've only added what?
Like two or three?
>> So far, we've added, I want
to say like seven or eight.
>> Okay.
So we could probably do a few more.
>> So that's, yeah, I'm going
to add a little pumpkin spice,
because I'm basic.
>> Wait, wouldn't basic be black?
That's like I wanted to make black coffee.
>> I'm going to add a little bit of cream.
>> All right.
>> For me, the important
thing about coffee jello
is you just make the
coffee you want to drink --
>> Right.
>> And add gelatin.
That's it.
That's how complex it is.
>> All right, we ready to pour?
>> Yeah, let's get it in here.
>> Now I know that you don't
want a lot of those bubbles
in there, because otherwise
they harden with those bubbles
on top and that's a nasty-mouth feel.
>> There we go.
>> Yeah.
>> And this should be enough
caffeine to keep Jason busy
for at least four or five days,
or one really productive day.
>> This is like a prescription
for five short stories
or one novelette.
>> Yes.
>> Oh, that does look good.
So at this point, we're done with
all the mixing of everything?
>> We're done, we're just
going to put this in the fridge
for about three hours, recommended.
>> Ooh, that's warm.
>> And it should be good to go.
>> All right, here we go, here we go.
You didn't tell me there'd
be a physical challenge here.
>> Oh, yeah, it's like 30 yards away.
>> BRIAN: In fact, can
you, can you open it?
>> JOHN: Yep.
>> Yeah.
>> There we go.
>> Okay, so in three hours,
we'll have Jason's batch.
But you made some earlier.
I want to know what this tastes like.
>> Yes, well.
Do you want to know what
my version tastes like?
The super sweet, sexy one?
>> Oh, did you
do something clever?
>> Or, do you want just your plain --
>> You did straight black for me?
>> Regular for you.
>> Yes.
>> And you know what?
For you, I even made it out
of our locally roasted beans.
>> Whatever, they ain't
paying us, don't --
>> Just let me say locally roasted beans.
That's all I want, okay?
You show where I say
local about something.
>> [laughing] Okay, so do we
have a plate or something?
>> Oh, we have forks.
>> Okay.
>> And, I also have some whipped cream.
>> Oh.
>> If you would like some, sir.
>> Let's see how fancy we can make this.
It feels like jello, man.
>> JOHN: And keep in mind, these guys
have only been sitting in
the fridge for like an hour.
>> BRIAN: Ooh, look at that.
That looks fancy.
>> You were giving yours
the fancy presentation,
on the plate and everything.
I'm keeping mine in a cup, because see,
you could like the night before,
just brew yourself some coffee jello
and then next morning, you got your cup of
jello joe.
>> Come on,
look how classy that looks, though.
That's some fine black coffee jello.
Caffeine shots.
Okay.
That's a big bite, oops.
>> Oh my god.
That is exactly as good as I remember it.
>> Black coffee's weird. [laughing]
>> I mean, may I?
>> Yeah.
I can't even taste the coffee until,
until the aftertaste.
It just tastes like
unflavored gelatin up front
>> Yeah.
>> And then, ew, I'm so glad
that we didn't do black coffee.
>> See, this is why you
have to add stuff to coffee,
because coffee's gross.
[Brian laughing]
>> It's like whiskey or wine.
>> Yes, they're all gross.
>> It's what adults have
tricked us into eating
and drinking all these years.
>> That little bit of
whipped cream, though,
does give it a little bit of oomph.
>> Right?
>> On the up front.
But of course, it doesn't
matter what we think.
What matters is how does Jason like it?
Time travel.
[heavy band beat]
[dog barking]
>> Okay, so this was
left on my front porch.
There was a smiley face here,
before it started to disintegrate.
There's whipped cream.
Hmm, coffee.
Okay, as with most things left
on my front porch, I eat them.
This looks somewhere between
delicious and horrifying.
I can't quite determine yet.
There's some sort of agar
here, like maybe this
was something for a petri dish?
Okay.
Well, it's like coffee-flavored jello.
I'm not the biggest coffee fan.
I usually drink it black.
And sip it, and it's only for its effects,
not for its taste.
I'm assuming this is much the same,
because I'm not going
to eat it for its taste.
It's like if you left
your coffee on the dash
and you put too much something
in there and it just congealed.
I'm going to eat this whole thing
until I get like heart palpitations.
I don't know what the
hell you guys are up to,
but this is not the kind of science
that Jason sees that I can get behind.
I feel funny.
I think I need to lie down.
Or run around the block.
>> Look, Murphy.
I understand that our
bodies are just dumb vessels
that decay over time, and I understand
that once you're past the age of 40, yes,
52% of all men will experience
some kind of erectile dysfunction.
What I don't understand is the 75%
of men who are experiencing it refusing
to talk to a doctor about it.
>> Oh, there's no reason --
Yes, everyone is slowly
marching towards the grave,
but Roman can help you stave off
the negative effects of that.
Fight off that erectile
dysfunction easily and privately,
in the security and safety
and comfort of your own home.
>> Oh, [beep] right, man, we're
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I'm talking about real
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>> Yeah, and you get
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[click]
[digital wind sound]
>> JOHN: For those of
you who are curious as to
how I made my actual delicious
coffee jello, here you go.
I did start with a rich, dark roast,
because ironically, light roasts
are harsh and acidic and gross.
We just went with the drip
system, which is fine.
As you probably guessed, I
added a few packets of Splenda.
A splash of sugar-free hazelnut creamer.
Some half-and-half, because
I fear sugar, not fat.
Some cinnamon, obviously.
And of course, the gelatin.
And that's how I got my
delicious coffee jello.
