WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW"."
I'M STEPHEN COLBERT.
WELL, IT'S FINALLY HERE.
AFTER SIX YEARS OF TRYING, LAST
NIGHT THE REPUBLICANS FINALLY
UNVEILED THEIR HEALTHCARE PLAN.
THEN, OUT OF FORCE OF HABIT,
THEY VOTED TO REPEAL IT.
( LAUGHTER )
NOW, THERE ARE SOME THINGS
THERE ARE SOME THINGS THEY'RE
KEEPING FROM OBAMACARE:
KIDS STAYING ON THEIR PARENTS'
HEALTHCARE UNTIL THEY'RE 26.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
INSURANCE COMPANIES CAN'T
DISCRIMINATE BECAUSE OF
PRE-EXISTING CONDITIONS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
GRANDMA WILL STILL BE MURDERED
BY DEATH PANELS WHILE NANCY
PELOSI CACKLES FROM HER SKYBOX.
>> Audience: BOOO!
>> Stephen: NO CHEER FOR THAT?
OKAY.
OH, THERE'S ONE OTHER THING
THEY'RE KEEPING FROM OBAMACARE:
NOBODY LIKES IT.
CONSERVATIVES ARE CALLING IT
"OBAMACARE LITE."
GREAT TASTE, LESS COVERAGE,
( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
WHILE-- MEANWHILE-- SEE, THAT'S
THE CONSERVATIVES.
CONSERVATIVES DON'T CARE FOR IT.
MEANWHILE DEMOCRATS ARE UNHAPPY
BECAUSE EXPERTS ESTIMATE THIS
WILL COVER 20 MILLION FEWER
AMERICANS THAN OBAMACARE.
>> Audience: BOOOO!
>> Stephen: PRETTY ROUGH.
20 MILLION FEWER THAN OBAMA.
THAT SOUNDS LIKE TRUMP'S
INAUGURATION.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
I'M HONORED.
SPEAKING OF WHICH-- THIS IS
TRUE-- BECAUSE OF A
FREEDOM OF INFORMATION REQUEST,
THE PARKS SERVICE WERE FORCED TO
RELEASE ALL OF THE PHOTOS THEY
TOOK AT TRUMP'S INAUGURATION,
BEFORE WE WERE ONLY SEEING PART
OF THE PHOTO.
WE WEREN'T SEEING EVERYTHING
FROM THE CAPITOL TO THE
WASHINGTON MONUMENT.
THE PHOTOS CAME OUT TODAY.
AND IT'S WORSE THAN TRUMP
FEARED.
JIM, CAN WE PUT IT UP NEXT
TO OBAMA'S?
HERE'S OBAMA, AND HERE'S TRUMP.
THAT-- THAT REALLY LOOKS LIKE
THE BEFORE-AND- AFTER PHOTOS IN
AN AD FOR ORKIN.
THE POINT IS, 20 MILLION IS A
LOT OF PEOPLE WITHOUT HEALTH
INSURANCE.
I DON'T KNOW ANYBODY WHO WOULD
BE HAPPY ABOUT THAT.
♪ ♪ ♪
OH, YEAH, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT,
GO ON, THAT'S ENOUGH.
GO ON.
I WILL SEE YOU-- I WILL SEE YOU
IN 70 YEARS!
( LAUGHTER )
HE'S A GOOD GUY.
YOU'D LIKE HIM.
WHERE WAS I?
OH, YEAH, WE'RE ALL GOING TO
DIE.
( LAUGHTER )
ONE OF THE OTHER DIFFERENCES IS
THAT TRUMPCARE REPLACES FEDERAL
INSURANCE SUBSIDIES WITH TAX
CREDITS.
SO EVERYTHING'S GOING TO BE
FINE, BUT YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE
YOUR COLONOSCOPY AT H&R BLOCK
( LAUGHTER )
NOW, I CAN IMAGINE WHAT A LOT OF
YOU OUT THERE-- YOU GUYS OUT
THERE, I'M SURE, AND EVERYBODY
OUT THERE IS WORRYING.
YOU'RE SAYING TO YOURSELF:
"HOW IS THIS GOING TO AFFECT
SUPER WEALTHY INSURANCE
COMPANY EXECUTIVES?"
WELL, GOOD NEWS,
THE PLAN INCLUDES A TAX BREAK
FOR INSURANCE COMPANY EXECUTIVES
MAKING OVER $500,000 A YEAR.
( AUDIENCE BOOING )
SO ALL OF THEM?
( LAUGHTER )
SPEAKING OF TAXES, THE BILL ALSO
REPEALS THE 10% TAX ON INDOOR
TANNING.
OH, GOOD.
DONALD TRUMP CAN FINALLY GO THE
FULL TANDOORI.
( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
OH, HIS MEAT.
SO JUICY.
>> Jon: A LITTLE TANDOORI
CHICKEN.
>> Stephen: HIS MEAT IS GOING
TO FALL RIGHT OFF THE BONE.
YOGURT SAUCE, FANTASTIC.
AND THEN THERE'S THE WEIRD FACT
THAT IN A 66-PAGE DOCUMENT,
THAT'S WHAT THEY RELEASED, A
66-PAGE PLAN--
SEVEN OF THOSE PAGES ARE ABOUT
DENYING MEDICAID TO LOTTERY
WINNERS.
OVER 10% OF IT IS JUST ABOUT
DENYING MEDICAID TO LOTTERY
WINNERS, WHICH IS SHOCKING.
IF ANYTHING, TRUMP SHOULD
EMPATHIZE WITH PEOPLE WHO WERE
HANDED A BUNCH OF MONEY THEY
DIDN'T EARN.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
HE WAS BORN-- HE WAS BORN WITH A
LOTTO TICKET IN HIS HAND.
>> Jon: THAT WAS NICE.
>> Stephen: NOW, FOR FISCAL
CONSERVATIVES, THE MOST
IMPORTANT THING IS WHAT WILL
THIS ALL COST?
WELL, THE NUMBERS IN, AND IT'S
APPROXIMATELY 3.4, WE HAVE NO
(BLEEP) IDEAS, BECAUSE THE
REPUBLICANS RELEASED THIS BILL
WITHOUT ESTIMATES OF ITS COST
FROM THE CONGRESSIONAL BUDGET
OFFICE.
SO THE BILL WILL BE LIKE THOSE
FANCY
RESTAURANTS WHERE THEY DON'T
HAVE WHAT IT COSTS ON THE MENU.
"HMM, WHAT'S THE HEART SURGERY?
MARKET PRICE.
I'LL JUST STUFF MY CHEST CAVITY
WITH BREAD.
THANK YOU."
REPUBLICANS DEFENDED THE PLAN.
HERE'S OREGON CONGRESSMAN GREG
WALDEN:
>> WE'RE LIKE THE AMBULANCE CREW
THAT SHOWED UP AT THE SCENE OF
THE WRECK.
WE'RE HERE TO CLEAN UP THE MESS
AND HEAL THE PATIENTS.
>> Stephen: THAT'S NOT QUITE IT.
IT'S MORE LIKE AN AMBULANCE CREW
THAT HATES THE PREVIOUS
AMBULANCE CREW SO MUCH THAT THEY
RIP THE PATIENTS OUT OF THAT
AMBULANCE AND PUT THEM IN THEIR
OWN AMBULANCE, WHICH THEY ARE
STILL BUILDING.
( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
( CHEERS )
NOW, THE BURDEN OF THESE CHANGES
FALLS MOSTLY ON THE WORKING
POOR, WHO GOT SOME ADVICE FROM
UTAH CONGRESSMAN AND CAPTAIN OF
THE BAD TEAM FROM "THE MIGHTY
DUCKS"-- JASON CHAFFETZ.
>> AND YOU KNOW WHAT?
AMERICANS HAVE CHOICES, AND
THEY'VE GOT TO MAKE A CHOICE.
AND SO MAYBE RATHER THAN GETTING
THAT NEW iPHONE THAT THEY JUST
LOVE AND WANT TO GO SPEND
HUNDREDS OF DOLLARS ON THAT,
MAYBE THEY SHOULD INVEST IN
THEIR OWN HEALTH CARE.
>> Stephen: YEAH, THE AVERAGE
COST OF HEALTH INSURANCE FOR A
FAMILY IS $25,000 SO, POOR
FOLKS, JUST STOP BUYING 33
iPHONES EVERY YEAR.
( LAUGHTER )
IT'S THAT SIMPLE.
( APPLAUSE )
iPHONE FANS.
BIG iPHONE FANS.
AND TODAY, SEAN SPICER ANSWERED
QUESTIONS ABOUT TRUMPCARE AT THE
DAILY WHITE HOUSE SHOW-AND-TELL.
>> THESE OVER 974 PAGES THAT
WERE PASSED, AND THEN WE WERE
TOLD WE HAD TO READ THEM.
OUR PLAN, IN FAR FEWER PAGES,
123, MUCH SMALLER, MUCH BIGGER.
LOOK AT THE SIZE.
THIS IS THE DEMOCRATS.
THIS IS US.
THERE IS-- I MEAN, YOU CAN'T GET
ANY CLEARER IN TERMS OF THIS IS
GOVERNMENT.
THIS IS NOT.
>> Stephen: YES.
WHEN IT COMES TO WRITING
ANYTHING DOWN, SHORTER IS ALWAYS
BETTER.
THAT'S WHY "MOBY DICK" IS MUCH,
MUCH WORSE THAN THE INSTRUCTION
BOOK THAT COMES WITH YOUR RICE
COOKER.
( LAUGHTER )
LOOK, IF SHORTER IS BETTER, WHY
NOT JUST A ONE-AGE PLAN THAT
JUST SAYS, "WALK IT OFF."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
♪ WALK IT OFF ♪
>> Stephen, OF COURSE, THE
OTHER BIG STORY TODAY IS THAT
TRUMP'S B.F.F.s OVER AT
WIKILEAKS TOOK A WIKIDUMP ON THE
C.I.A.
THEY RELEASED 8,000 PAGES OF
DOCUMENTS DETAILING THE AGENCY'S
CYBER-SPYING POWERS, PROVING THE
C.I.A. IS CAPABLE OF ANYTHING,
EXCEPT KEEPING A SECRET.
( LAUGHTER )
AND YOU KNOW WHO I WANT TO TALK
TO ABOUT THIS?
GENERAL MICHAEL HAYDEN WHO WILL
BE ON HERE LATER IN THE SHOW.
HE WAS IN THE C.I.A. AND N.S.A.
HE'LL HAVE A THING OR TWO TO SAY
ABOUT THIS AND THE WHOLE THING,
THE TRUMP THING, TOO.
THERE ARE SOME CRAZY REVELATION
IN ADDITION THIS WIKILEAKS DUMP.
THE C.I.A. APPARENTLY HAS A
PROGRAM CODE NAMED "WEEPING
ANGEL," WHICH USES SAMSUNG SMART
TELEVISIONS AS COVERT LISTENING
DEVICES.
EVEN WHEN THEY APPEAR TO BE
TURNED OFF, THE TV COULD BE
RECORDING CONVERSATIONS IN THE
ROOM AND SENDING THEM TO A
C.I.A. SERVER.
OH, MY GOD.
THIS IS TRUE-- I HAVE ALL
SAMSUNG TVs IN MY HOUSE.
AND THAT MEANS THE CIA HAS
HUNDREDS OF HOURS OF ME LOOKING
FOR THE REMOTE.
WHERE IS IT?
WHAT IS-- WHERE IS IT?
WHERE IS IT!
WHO TOOK IT?
WHO TOOK IT!
WHO TOOK IT TO THE KITCHEN!
I ALSO WATCH NUDE, SO THEY'RE
GETTING A GREAT SHOT HERE.
WHO TOOK--
>> Jon: THE MOON.
>> Stephen: THAT JOKE IS BASED
ON A TRUE STORY.
AND DON'T THINK JUST BECAUSE YOU
VICTIM ANTIVIRUS OR PROTECTION
SOFTWARE YOU ARE SAFE.
BECAUSE ONE OF THE WIKILEAKED
DOCUMENTS DESCRIBES A FLAW IN
SECURITY SOFTWARE MADE BY THE
COMPANY COMODO AS "A GAPING HOLE
OF DOOM."
( LAUGHTER )
WHICH I BELIEVE IS ALSO WHAT THE
REPUBLICANS ARE CALLING THEIR
OBAMACARE REPLACEMENT.
CHOPPER CHEAPER SPEAKING--
>> Jon: THAT'S A GREAT CALL.
>> Stephen: MEANWHILE, THE
WHITE HOUSE REOPENED FOR TOURS
TODAY FOR THE FIRST TIME SINCE
THE INAUGURATION, AND ONE TOUR
GROUP WAS SURPRISED WITH AN
APPEARANCE BY DONALD TRUMP!
HI-YA!
WHO'S YOUR FAVORITE CLOWN?
HEY, YAY!
HE LEARNED THAT-- THIS MOVE--
THIS MOVE RIGHT THERE, YA!
HE LEARNED THAT MOVE-- HE
LEARNED THAT MOVE FROM THE
DRESSING ROOMS OF THE MISS
U.S.A. PAGEANT.
WHO'S NAKED!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THAT JOKE IS ALSO BASED ON A
TRUE STORY.
( LAUGHTER )
SAD TO SAY.
AND ROLL THIS AGAIN, JIMMY.
LOOK AT WHOSE PAINTING HE'S
STANDING IN FRONT OF-- HILLARY
CLINTON.
WOW.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THAT IS AWKWARD.
APPARENTLY, PRESIDENTIAL
PORTRAITS ARE COMMISSIONED BASED
ON THE POPULAR VOTE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Jon: HE'S COMING OUT
SWINGING!
>> Stephen: NOW, WHILE HE WAS
THERE, THE PRESIDENT SINGLED OUT
ONE YOUNG MEMBER OF THE TOUR FOR
A PAT ON THE BACK, HOPEFULLY,
INSPIRING THAT YOUNG MAN TO
BELIEVE THAT ONE DAY HE, TOO,
COULD GROW UP TO DO ANYTHING FOR
ATTENTION.
