 
Monstrato

by

Christopher Ganey

~~~
Copyright 2014 by Christopher Ganey

Smashwords Edition

All rights reserved. This book or any portion thereof may not be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means without the express written permission of the publisher.

This book is a work of fiction. All places, events, and characters are fictitious and products of the author's imagination. Any resemblance to places, events, or persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

~~~
I would like to thank my family for their patience and encouragement. Special thanks to Michelle, Brad, and Julie.

~~~

Monstrato
Contents

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

Chapter 11

Chapter 12

Chapter 13

Chapter 14

Chapter 15

Chapter 16

Chapter 17

# Chapter 1

I remember it being really dark in her classroom. Maybe the lights were off because sometimes we'd do that, not turn on the lights if enough was coming through the windows. It was one of those shady, sleepy days where you don't feel like doing any work and you just wanna be left alone. I was off in my own world, thinking about shit that happened over Christmas break—bad things I was still trying to sort through. Caitlin and this big, annoying girl named Sierra Brand were sitting behind me in the next row. I kept hearing them whispering to each other, and when I looked over at them, they were staring right at me. I turned back around, and they went back to whispering, but out of the corner of my eye, I could see them looking my way. It seemed rude, and they were being so blatant about it. Next thing I knew, Sierra was leaning over with a big smile on her face, saying, "Hey, Macy, I heard you went to jail."

I said, "It's none of your damn business," which it wasn't. I hadn't told anyone what happened, and I sure didn't wanna discuss it with her—we weren't even friends.

But I said it too loud because Mrs. Garrison heard me and asked, "Is there a problem, Macy?"

I snapped back, "Yeah, this bitch needs to mind her own business and stay out of mine."

She said, "Now, Macy, what have I told you about using kind words?"

And that's how it always started. I'd be really mad about something, and Mrs. Garrison would start in with her Sunday school crap about using kind words...because it wasn't about that...it was about this girl putting her nose where it didn't belong and prying into my personal business.

I told her, "I'll use whatever words I want."

Then she said, "Macy, I need you to come sit up here," wanting me to go sit in her favorite person seat at the front of the room.

I asked, "Why should I move? She started it by talking to me."

She said, "I need you to sit up here, Macy."

So I grabbed my books and started walking towards the front of the room. I was already feeling it, that boxed-in feeling. I felt rage moving, rippling through my chest and arms, and when I got up to the desk where she wanted me to sit, I slammed my books down hard, almost tipping it over. My folder hit the floor and papers scattered. I bent down to pick them up, and she said, "Macy, I need you to go out in the hall."

"Why!" I snapped.

"Because that's what I need you to do," she said in this matter of fact, peaceful tone of voice like it was no problem for her at all.

I started screaming, "First you want me to sit up here. Now you want me to go out in the hall...This is bullshit!...Why can't I sit here?"

She said, "Macy, I need you to go out in the hall."

I scooped up the rest of my papers, grabbed my books, and then stormed out of her classroom and started walking towards the offices. I felt like I was being picked on, and I wanted to go tell Tammy, our principal, because that's what everyone did when they got in trouble.

Mrs. Garrison followed me into the hall. I could hear her saying, "Macy, you need to come back here right now."

I turned around and screamed, "Why! Why am I the one getting in trouble?"

She said, "We need to go see Mr. Moss."

I said, "Forget this, man," and started walking down the hall again.

Then Mrs. Bouchard, the school secretary, came through the double doors at the end of the hall to see what the yelling was about. She saw me and started looking real concerned and asked, "What's going on, Macy?"

I pointed at Mrs. Garrison and said, "She's kicking me out of class, and I didn't do nothin'! I'm going to tell Tammy." I walked past her, through the double doors and towards Tammy's office.

Mrs. Bouchard followed behind me saying, "Tammy's in a meeting right now...Macy, come here. You can't go in there."

I stopped, turned around and yelled, "It's not fair," in a choked voice.

She came up, put her arm around my shoulders, and said, "It's okay, honey. We'll take care of this. Just settle down." Then I saw Mrs. Garrison coming through the double doors, catching up to us.

I said to Mrs. Bouchard, "I didn't do nothin', and she's trying to put it all on me."

Mrs. Garrison said, "Macy, you and I are going to see Mr. Moss, now!" I could tell she was mad; her cheeks were all red, and she was breathing with her mouth open.

I said, "I wanna talk to Tammy."

Mrs. Bouchard said, "She's in a meeting. Just go with Mrs. Garrison and talk to Mr. Moss. Come on...you can talk to Tammy about it later."

So we went down to Mr. Moss's room—he's the seventh grade teacher and discipline officer—and he came out into the hall. Mrs. Garrison started telling her side of the story, making it sound way worse than it was. The way she explained it, I just exploded for no reason. Of course, she had to throw in something about how I disturbed her class and caused her to stop teaching. I kept interrupting, saying things like, "That's not what happened...She's lying...I wasn't cussing _at_ her..." Mr. Moss kept shushing me and telling me to be quiet. Then he got real stern and stepped up close, pointed down at me with his finger, and yelled, "It's always your mouth, Macy. That's what gets you in trouble. And if you don't keep it shut right now, you're just going to get in more trouble." He told Mrs. Garrison to write up a referral and told me to wait in the office while he called my mom.

I walked back down the hall with Mrs. Garrison, not saying anything. When she went into her classroom, I ran straight to Tammy's office, but she wasn't there. So I went across the hall to the school office, pulled open the door, and almost ran smack into a big metal file cabinet that was blocking my path. They were working on something in there; the furniture was all out of place, piled up on one side of the room, and the chairs where kids sat when they were in trouble had been moved. I stuck my head around the file cabinet and saw Mr. Coleman, the maintenance guy, trying to get a metal desk on a dolly and Mrs. Bouchard holding the other side. She looked over at me and asked, "What's up, Macy?"

I said, "Mr. Moss told me to wait in here."

She said, "Why don't you go wait in Tammy's office. I think the door's open."

So I went back to Tammy's office and sat down in one of the big leather chairs in front of her desk. It was one of those soft, cozy chairs you could sink way down into—like you'd find in a hotel lobby. I sat there looking at the trinkets and knickknacks that covered Tammy's desk. I was wishing she'd show up so I could talk to her before Mr. Moss called my mom. It was bullshit. Seemed like I was always getting in way more trouble than anyone else, and for the smallest things. Last thing I wanted was to get suspended. I was hoping it'd only be an in-school because I, for sure, didn't wanna stay at home.

After a while, Mrs. Bouchard came in panting and rested herself on the corner of Tammy's desk. She asked, "How's it going, honey?" She was always panting even when she was sitting still. She was so big, not fat, just big, like way over six feet tall with arms and legs going everywhere. Seeing her running around school trying to get things done, breathing heavy with her face getting puffy red, I always got the feeling it was hard work just being her.

"So I hear you had a rough couple of weeks," she said and sat looking at me, wondering if I was gonna tell her anything.

I said, "Yeah, the break wasn't much fun."

"Really? What happened?"

I felt tired just imagining trying to answer and stared at the front of Tammy's desk, shaking my head.

She said, "It's all right, honey. You can tell me if you want. I'll keep it a secret."

Mrs. Bouchard was always wanting to know about kids at school. I'd tell her some things, but not about myself if I didn't want it to get around.

I didn't wanna talk to anyone about Christmas break. It involved two of my friends, and they weren't talking about it either. It felt icky, something I wanted to forget, and I couldn't see a way to explain it without looking really stupid. It seemed Mrs. Bouchard had already heard some of it, and so had Caitlin and Sierra. As far as Mrs. Bouchard keeping it a secret, that wasn't gonna happen—I knew the first two people she'd tell. I also knew that if I didn't explain it to someone, kids would just make up rumors, and people would be asking me about it.

So I began telling her, giving the basic outline and leaving out the parts she didn't need to know. But soon as I got started, Tammy stuck her spiky head around the doorway and said, "Gina, I need you in the conference room, right now." She looked pretty uptight about something. The way her dark hair seemed to vibrate and the way she held her lips firm, I could tell she was in a hard-ass mood. She glanced at me, wondering why I was there. I was waiting for her to say something, but she didn't. She gestured for Mrs. Bouchard to follow her and disappeared, and Mrs. Bouchard went running out the door.

I sat there for a long time thinking, glad to be alone. Then I heard Tammy yelling on the other side of the wall, sounding real mad. She was screaming at the top of her voice, which was normal for her, going on and on and taking something real personal. Every time I thought she was finished, it'd get quiet for a while, then I'd hear her thirsty-bird scream sounding more vicious than before. She was so loud. I could picture her in there—her bony body moving in a jerky freeze frame like those old black and white movies, sticking her finger in someone's face, waving her hands in the air. She was small, smaller than me, but when she got angry, people would give her lots of room. Usually, I'd be real interested in something like this. I'd be out of my chair with my ear to the wall, trying to find the spot where I could hear best. But on that day, I had too many problems of my own to think about. I even got up and moved to the other side of the room so I wouldn't have to hear it.

I didn't wanna go to school that day. I only went so I wouldn't have to listen to my mom bitch while she got ready for work. She'd been going at me all weekend, saying things like, "You're not as grown up as you think you are, Macy...It's my job to protect you...Just look what happens when I'm not around," and I was tired of it. Now, first day back to school after Christmas break, and I'd already got kicked out of class. I knew I'd be suspended, and I was dreading having to sit at home listening to her bitch some more.

I was trying to help a friend. That'd be Lori. Lori always went way overboard on everything, and she had started using cocaine and was addicted, and it felt like I was the only one trying to help her. It got so bad that she stole coke from some people when she was at their house, and I was scared for her because these guys were thugs—they carried guns and didn't fuck around when it came to people stealing from them. So I took money from my mom's purse to give to Lori so she could pay them back, and when my mom found out, we had a big fight.

She didn't believe me and didn't care at all about Lori. She said, "You shouldn't be hanging around people who are doing cocaine. Are you doing it, too?"

I lied and said, "No"—I wasn't doing nearly as much as Lori—and it just exploded from there. My mom started laying on all this shame and guilt trying to make me feel worse than I already did, and it turned into a big scream out. I said, "You're not gonna stop me from helping a friend...You don't know anything about being a friend, and that's why you don't have any."

She said, "I don't need friends who are on drugs. I don't need friends who make me steal."

I said, "I wasn't stealing. I was trying to help somebody. But you don't know anything about helping people because all you think about is yourself."

It just got worse and worse with us standing in the kitchen accusing each other and calling each other names. My mom was crying, but I kept pouring it on, probably because I felt so bad about what I'd done. I said, "You don't know anything about being a mother, either. If you got a problem with me, maybe you should look at yourself." I know that hurt her real bad. She'd said it to me before that she didn't think she was a very good mother.

She said, "Then why don't you get out of this house if I'm such a bad mother? Why don't you leave, and don't come back...Just get out!"

And that's what I did. I filled my backpack with clothes and went to stay with Makayla.

I didn't have to think hard about where to go. You see, with most kids, if you wanted to stay with them, they'd have to ask their parents. But Makayla didn't have any parents. Her parents had given her up, and her legal guardian was her stepsister who she lived with over in Minnith. I only saw her stepsister once the whole time I was there, and she just stayed in her bedroom watching TV. But Makayla's boyfriend was always around, and when I went there, it was like going into a strange movie.

I guess I hadn't considered what it'd be like to live with Makayla, even if only for a few days. She was a year ahead of me in school. I didn't know her that well. Truth is, no one knew her well because she had problems. She had ADD and was bipolar, and as far as I could tell, wasn't taking any medicine for it. She was always bouncing around the room, always moving, never quiet. She giggled constantly and would start things and try to get a reaction out of people even when they wanted to be left alone. Her boyfriend, Bobby, was just like her—sort of giddy and weak. He'd go along with whatever trip Makayla was on, no matter how crazy.

Just the way they'd look at each other, it was like...too much excitement—Makayla twisting her sharp, pretty features into some odd expression—little Bobby with his buckteeth hanging out of his smile, breathing through his mouth. They'd argue about everything, sometimes seriously or just for fun, then they'd start play fighting and wrestling on the floor. Makayla would get mad about something Bobby said and start crying, and she'd go sit in the kitchen and pout. Bobby would kiss up to her, and they'd get all soupy and lovey, and then it'd start all over again, chasing each other around the house. Sometimes Bobby acted like he wanted Makayla to be his mother, which was weird because she could hardly take care of herself. Other times, Makayla would act like the baby. And when they fought, it was just like they were brother and sister.

The house they lived in was a trip. The kitchen and living room were painted this sick pink color, and the trim around the windows was bright green. The walls were covered with these whacked-out paintings that were left behind by the person who lived there before. Now, the paintings were kinda cool—big canvases of fish and reptiles, bright colors and wild designs—I guess what you would call abstract. But in that house with the pink walls, Makayla and Bobby running all over the place, and the noise coming out of the TV, you felt like you were in some kind of music video.

And the place was a mess. Soda bottles, food wrappers, and laundry were strewn across the floor and collecting under chairs. The carpet, which was white shag, was stained and matted, and there were bits of wire and little pieces of electronic equipment stuck in the carpet so you couldn't walk around with your shoes off without getting poked. Dishes were piled up in the sink, growing mold. The refrigerator didn't work. For some reason, they had a lot of canned soup, SpaghettiO's, and chili, which was all we ate when I was there. And the whole place had a funny smell like when people have a lot of cats, but they didn't have any.

All they did was watch TV. They didn't have cable, so they'd watch the most boring shows, whatever was on, and they couldn't even be quiet doing that. I'd be laying on the couch half the night, waiting for them to shut up and turn off the TV, and every morning I'd wake up irritable as hell. After about four days, I couldn't take it anymore. They were arguing about something stupid like what kind of soda to buy and who's gonna pay for it, and I told them to quiet down. They both started yelling at me, as if I'd just said the rudest thing, saying I had no right telling them to be quiet and other shit. So I grabbed my stuff and headed out the door.

I stood in the front yard and called Lori on my cell phone, and she agreed to come pick me up. I wanted to start walking, but the neighborhood was ghetto, and it was already dark out, so I stood by the street and waited. I could see Makayla with her blond, frizzy hair and pale eyes looking at me out the window and Bobby looking over her shoulder. I don't know if they were sad to see me go or worried about me or just bored. I remember thinking that maybe things were even crazier in that house when I wasn't around.

When Lori came, we went straight to this Arab liquor store we always go to and bought a bottle of vodka. Then we parked behind the bowling alley and got wasted. I started telling her about what happened with my mom and with Makayla, but right in the middle of it, she tells me she's not in the mood to hear about my problems—which was fucked up because she was the reason my mom and I got in a fight in the first place. I tried explaining it to her, but she was being completely stubborn and insensitive and not showing any concern for what I just went through. Finally, I said, "Fuck this shit," and got out of the car and began walking. I was almost to Alley's house when the cops picked me up for being out after curfew.

You see, my stepdad was a cop, and he told the police if they ever found me out after curfew, they should take me to jail and call him—because of all the trouble I'd already gotten into. I knew most of the cops at the police station. They tried being friendly, but I didn't say anything. I just sat in the chair they told me to sit in and stared at my shoes, feeling small. It seemed cold in there. I had my coat on, but I was still shivering. And I wanted to cry because I knew my mom would be the one to come get me.

All I could think about, the same thing that kept going through my mind at Makayla's house, was that look on my mom's face when she found out I stole the money from her purse. It made me feel like I was five years old. I guess everyone has things they think are a lot worse than other things, and it's different for each person. They're like the rules you set for yourself when you say, "I'm not going to be like that," and if you break one of your own rules, you feel like you're a bad person. You feel weak and corrupted, which is how I felt after I stole the money. I felt like I'd stolen something from myself, something I couldn't get back. You see, I've hit my mom in the face, called her the worst names I could think of, a slut, a bitch, a whore, but stealing the money seemed way worse.

By the time my mom got to the police station, I'd made myself tough all over. I knew, soon as we got in the car, she'd start in on me, and she did. She said, "Ms. Macy thinks she's all grown up. She's trying to help her drug addict friends, and she can't even take care of herself..."

And that's all I could think about as I sat there in Tammy's office—my mom, stealing the money, and everything else that'd gone down. I wanted it to stop. I didn't wanna be suspended, and I didn't wanna go home, especially since the next day was Wednesday, my mom's day off. I wanted to get away from her and forget about everything that'd happened over Christmas break, but I couldn't, and my mom sure wasn't gonna let me forget. And neither were those bitches at school who always seemed so interested in what kind of trouble I was getting in. I hated people like that. As I sat waiting, I made a mental note to jump Sierra Brand next time I had the chance.

Mrs. Bouchard never came back to Tammy's office, and neither did Tammy. After a while, Mr. Moss came in and said, "I talked to your mom and told her you have a one day suspension. Do you have something to work on?"

"No."

"Well, get something and then come with me. You're going to spend the rest of the day in my room."

# Chapter 2

When I went back to school on Thursday, one of the first people I saw in the hall was Calvin Grote. It would have been hard not to notice him; he was taller than most kids by at least a foot. He was wearing this oversized, white hoody that came down to his thighs, and perched on top of his dark hair was a white ball cap with black and gold lettering. When I saw him, I felt that little panic you get in your stomach when you're anxious about someone, but it was a good panic, and I realized Calvin was the only person I missed seeing over Christmas break.

He was standing in front of his locker, holding the door open and staring into it, like trying to decide whether he needed anything from in there. When he saw me, he said, "Hey, little girl, ain't seen you in a while."

I said, "Yeah? What about you? Where were you Tuesday?"

"I forgot we had school—I really did. Didn't get here 'till noon," he said with a sly smile.

I said, "Uh huh. I bet you forgot. So, where your boys...K.P. and Cecil? I ain't seen them around."

He said, "They're probably sleeping. The man worked us hard last night at practice, gettin' us ready for Eastman. K.P. never called me this morning saying he needed a ride, so I came here. How 'bout you? Why you here so early?"

I said, "My mom. She's gotta bring my brother."

For a while, seemed like it was just me and Calvin standing in the hall. We were talking about ourselves and each other in this easy, open way that I could only do with him. He didn't ask me about getting suspended, the trouble with my mom, or getting picked up by the cops, though I knew he'd heard it all. He was cool like that—no questions, no tension.

Calvin was a year ahead of me in school. We went together the year before for about seven months and broke up over the summer. He was cool about that, too. He could've been a real dick if he wanted since it was all my fault, but he wasn't—he didn't hold grudges. A couple weeks before Christmas, we were kinda flirting again and going out of our way to be near each other. Then on that Thursday when I came back after being suspended, something happened. We were standing there in the hall, me holding my books to my chest and Calvin leaning his gangly body against a locker, and it was like we knew—the way people do when they really like each other—that it was on again between us. I wasn't a hundred percent sure. It was this feeling I had, and it seemed like Calvin had it too. I could tell by the way he acted when K.P. and Cecil showed up. He was super relaxed and extra laid back—like he always was but more so—jiving it up with his friends, fist tapping, and doing the long, drawn out handshakes. Seemed like he was putting on a show, which he does sometimes, except this time it was for me.

I was in a great mood when I got to homeroom, and I talked to everyone in there: my friends, people I wasn't friends with, everyone but Sierra Brand. She wouldn't look at me, was acting like I wasn't there. I was sitting up on the teacher's desk, saying hi to people when they came through the door, asking them what they got for Christmas, and gettin'em to tell me about shit that happened over break. All of a sudden, I was glad to be back at school. Wasn't just this place I had to go but more like something I wanted to be part of.

When I walked into Mrs. Garrison's room for English, she started doing what she always did after you got in trouble in her class—put on her fake smile, acted like she was glad to see me, and made a big point of saying hi. I smiled back and said hi and tried to slip past her desk towards a seat at the back of the room. When I went by, she reached out and touched me on the arm, then looked at me real concerned and asked, "So how are you doing, Macy?" What happened next surprised me as much as it did her.

I said, "I'm fine...and Mrs. Garrison, I just wanna say that I'm sorry for yelling at you. I know you were just trying to do your job, and I overreacted." Well, that sent her over the top, more than I expected. She got a big smile on her face, and her eyes lit up. I thought she was gonna jump up and give me a hug or something.

She said, "Oh, thank you, Macy. It's so nice of you to say that. I don't think anyone has ever apologized to me after I made them leave my classroom." It must've done something for her because she stayed cheery for the rest of the period. She even got out from behind her desk and spent some time walking around the room. But that's how I was feeling. I wanted to make amends with people and do something generous.

At lunchtime, Calvin asked me if I wanted to go to his house to hang out. I said, "Sure, just let me grab my purse." I was so excited, I wanted to run to my locker, and I had to make myself walk. Then, as I was getting my purse out, Latisha comes up saying she has something she needs to tell me, something I would wanna know. I said she was gonna have to tell me later and told her I was going to Calvin's house, so then she wanted to know about that. I said, "It's nothing. I'm just going to his house for lunch."

I watched her eyes get big and her mouth open up. She said, "Hold on, girl. What do you mean nothing? Tell me!"

I said, "I gotta go," and left her standing in the hall with a big smile on her face.

When I went outside, Calvin had already pulled up to the front of the school, and I saw a bunch of people sitting in his car. K.P., Cecil, and Terrell were in the back seat, and Cassidy Catrell was in front. She scooched over to let me in, and off we went.

I didn't have to ask what was going on. I knew, but no one was talking about it. Cassidy kept her eyes forward and sat there running her hands through her long, brown curls, looking distracted. The guys were all talking about basketball, about Derron and how he's so lazy. Then K.P. and Cecil started talking about something else. They didn't want me or Cassidy to understand, so they started talking ghetto—real low and slurred and with a lot of drawl—but I knew what they were saying, and so did Calvin. Calvin had spent his whole life around black people. Sometimes he acted black, depending on who he was with. It made him seem more interesting to me.

When we got to Calvin's house, K.P., Cecil, Terrell, and Cassidy all went downstairs. Calvin and I went to his bedroom. When we got there, I put my hands on my hips and said, "You didn't tell me it was gonna be a sex party."

He smiled and gave me this look like he was all innocent and said, "Man, I didn't know, either...I promise. I told K.P. and Cecil they could come over. Next thing you know, Cassidy and Terrell hop in the car."

I asked, "Is that what you guys are doing every lunch period when I see her climbing in your car?"

He said, "Not me, girl. You know I'm not dirty like that."

I kinda believed him. Calvin was scared of girls who might be carrying some kind of disease. Anyway, whatever he was doing after we broke up didn't bother me.

Calvin packed some weed into his pipe, took a big hit, and handed it to me. Then he said he was hungry and went into the kitchen. I sat on his bed and took a couple hits, holding them in for as long as I could. I don't know why I did that—holding them in. I hadn't smoked pot for a couple weeks, and I knew I was gonna be really high. I guess it was just a habit I got from hanging around Lori. I laid back on the bed and relaxed and heard Calvin turn on the radio in the kitchen. I could hear the refrigerator opening and closing, voices coming up from downstairs, and cars going by outside. It made the room seem quiet and peaceful.

It'd been months since I'd been to Calvin's house, but I felt comfortable being in his room, laying on his bed. I thought about how it was the year before, in the spring, right after Calvin got his license. We'd race to his house everyday at lunchtime, start taking off our clothes soon as we walked in the door. It was like a drug—sex—and it seemed so wild and new. We had sex in every room of his house, and more than once we forgot to fix the covers on his parent's bed. We were always late getting back to school. Then there was the time when we were in the kitchen and we didn't know his brother was home. But that was part of it—the wildness. We didn't care, and nothing else seemed to matter so long as we had our lunchtime together.

Seemed outrageous at the time, but the truth is, my life was pretty tame when I was going out with Calvin—nothing like after we broke up. As I laid on his bed, I thought about what it'd be like to get back together with him. Things wouldn't be so out of control...Life would be safer, more predictable. I knew my mom wouldn't mind after all the shit that'd been happening.

I heard K.P.'s voice coming up the stairwell. He was yelling, "I wanna hear the bed shakin' in there."

_Terrell must be getting some,_ I thought. Seemed like everyone wanted to get with Cassidy around that time. I knew Calvin had, but that was before we ever got together, and of course, K.P. and Cecil...those guys. That's the one thing I never understood about Calvin, why he always had to be around his boys. I know everyone needs friends, but when Calvin and I were going out, it seemed like those guys were always around.

K.P. was all right. He was funny and liked to talk. He was nice to look at too. He had this chiseled, lean body and super-dark skin...the most bad-ass, athletic body you've ever seen. He was straight up exotic, and I know I wasn't the only girl to think that. But Cecil...this fool thought he was some kind of pimp, and he was always talking tough. Hell, I could've whipped his little punk-ass myself, if I wanted to. And his clothes, my god! Somebody needed to tell him that wearing a pink sweat suit does not make you look tough, especially when you're only five foot four or whatever he was. And he was always telling those lies and making up stories...

Looking around Calvin's room, it seemed like nothing had changed. It was the same walls, the same boom-box sitting on his dresser, the same Tupac poster and basketball trophy we used to joke about, the bed cover, even the same smell—a mixture of cologne and teenage boy. It felt like I'd slid back in time, like when you go to your grandparents' house and see the furniture they've always had and get that same smell. But that's how Calvin was—steady, not in a hurry to go anywhere, not trying to be something he wasn't. I felt like we could just pick up where we left off as if nothing had changed. As I laid there thinking about this, I could feel the pot starting to kick in. I started thinking real seriously about Calvin and me getting back together, wanting it to happen and hoping it would. Then I thought about everything that'd gone down since we'd broken up. What bothered me was that even if Calvin hadn't changed, I knew I had. I wasn't the same person I was five months earlier.

I thought about when we broke up—when he found out I slept with Keenan's brother. I didn't even remember having sex with him. That's how dumb the whole thing was. It was one of those nights where everyone was so drunk and stoned, you knew something bad was gonna happen. I remember how the guys were acting. It seemed like this vibe was going around that someone was gonna score with me. When I felt it, I should have left right then, but I didn't. I was too messed up. Last thing I remember was sitting on the couch watching Keenan and Trent wrestle and Dwayne rubbing my neck. For some reason, when I woke up the next morning, I thought they'd all had sex with me. It was terrible...I was getting pissed, feeling creeped out. Then Dwayne said it was just him and that it was my idea. Well, I didn't know because I couldn't remember anything. It only took Calvin a couple of days to find out, and then it was over. He wouldn't even talk to me about it.

After Calvin and I broke up is when the real trouble began with all the fighting and the cops and my mom freaking out. I'd started hanging out with these girls, Lori, Chelsea Girlin, and Alley, who were older than me and in Calvin's class and real wild.

I first got to know Lori from riding in the back of her car after cheerleading practice. She'd be turned halfway around in her seat, talking to me while she drove and not even looking at the road, chattering away non-stop and making everything into a joke. She was a burst of energy with a bright face saying all kinds of funny things...a cute, round chin, brown hair falling around her pudgy cheeks, and deep blue eyes that would look right into yours when she spoke. We'd laugh about everything, and sometimes it felt like we were sisters because of the way we got along. But soon after I met her, she began drinking real heavy—every day, either with the rest of us when we were out partying or at home all by herself. She started keeping a bottle of Vodka in the trunk of her car and would pull into SpeedMart, get juice, and mix herself drinks right there in the console. And I watched her change. I watched her round features get rounder. She got these bags under her eyes and started looking tired all over. And she got real moody. We'd be out driving around and having a good time, and all of a sudden, Lori would start snapping at people, screaming that we gotta find some alcohol, right now. So we would, and then she'd drink and drink until she passed out. That was about the time we discovered the Arab liquor store in Minnith where they'd sell us booze without even carding us.

Then these guys moved to town and started selling cocaine, and it wasn't long before Lori was deep into that. It was all she thought about—getting coke—and she always wanted me to go with her to the house where the dealers lived because she was scared to go alone. So we'd go there after school and buy whatever we could afford, and then we'd hang around to see if they were gonna bust out some lines. They had a boss SUV they let us ride in, and once, they took us over to a music studio in Bethel to listen to some guys while they recorded. But then Lori started having sex with these guys just to get coke...and then she wanted me to. That's when it stopped being fun...when they start coming around looking for you...or when they show up at your house looking for Lori because she owes them money...

So I figured my mom would be glad if I started dating Calvin again. Things would be calmer, and at least I'd have a place to go next time she kicked me out of the house—someplace sane. But I was also worried because other things had happened, and if Calvin found out about them, he'd be mad at me all over again.

I'd forgotten about the pipe in my hand, and when I moved my arm, I spilled the bowl on the bed. I picked up the chunks that weren't burned yet and put them back in the bowl, then wiped the ashes off the bedspread. I could hear the boys coming up the stairs. Terrell was cracking jokes, saying, "K.P. was messing up my concentration. Felt like I was at the line in a tied up game." Then I heard him snickering.

I left Calvin's room and went into the kitchen where everyone was standing around. Calvin had a serious look on his face and was concentrating real hard on wiping his mouth with a paper towel. I wondered to myself how he would've been acting if I hadn't been there. Then K.P. asked Calvin, "Where's the hooch, nigger?" and Calvin points at me. I told them it was on the dresser, and they both went down the hall.

Terrell and Cecil stood there in the kitchen giggling and acting goofy. I walked over to the refrigerator and took a look inside. Then Cassidy came up the stairs kind of smiling and looking dazed with her hands shoved deep into her hoody. I said, "You look higher than I am, girl, and you haven't smoked none." She just stood there smiling back at me and glancing over at Terrell and Cecil who didn't seem to know what to do with themselves. Then she turned and went down the hall to smoke with Calvin and K.P. A few minutes later we piled into Calvin's car to go back to school.

The boys didn't talk to Cassidy the whole way back. Seemed like they didn't even wanna look at her. I felt sorry for her because she seemed so...lost, and I couldn't understand why she was doing what she was doing. I mean, I could see why she might wanna have sex with K.P., but not Terrell. I didn't think Terrell was having sex with anyone. I thought he was a virgin. All the way back to school I was trying to think of something to say to Cassidy to start a conversation, but we didn't have much in common.

# Chapter 3

We knew we were late. No kids were standing outside when we pulled into the parking lot. Calvin stopped his car in front of school so Cassidy and Terrell could hop out—they had to get to Kearns's class. The rest of us waited for Calvin to park and took our time getting out. We had a new teacher who just started who was gonna teach computers and math. Last thing we wanted was her thinking that we were gonna make a big deal about being on time. When we went into school, we opened the door real quiet and kinda slid by the office window, hoping no one would see us. Turned out, no one was in the office or they might've stopped us and made us get late passes.

We walked into the computer lab like we always do—like we're arriving at a house party and glad to be there, acting like we didn't know we were late. The kids in the room were saying, "What up, dog...My homies are here." We were saying, "Just thought we'd stop by, see what kinda party you got going on in here..." Across the room, I saw the new teacher, Ms. Strauss, glaring at us from behind a computer. I'd only met her in homeroom and in Algebra 2. She seemed like a ball of fun...and boy was she ugly.

In a real stern voice, she asked, "Why are you late?"

Calvin said, "Man, we didn't know what time it was."

Cecil said, "Traffic," as if that was all she needed to know.

Calvin said, "Yeah, traffic...the traffic was real bad on the way over here. There was like a traffic jam, you see, and then we had to wait for a train..." That's what we'd always do with teachers when we were late—make up excuses, say anything that popped into our heads. The teachers never believed us, but it didn't matter. What you never wanted to do was say you were sorry or admit it was your fault because then they'll jump on you real quick, start lecturing you about responsibility and crap like that. So we kind of played this game where we always had an excuse, and they never believed us.

Next thing she wants to know is do we have late passes. Calvin says, "Man, we tried, but there wasn't no one working in the office when we went by. You want me go get one? Someone might be in there now."

Ms. Strauss snapped back, "No. Just find a seat. We're about to get started." She looked at me and asked, "Now, what's your name again?" I told her my name. Then she wanted to know where I was the last two days.

I said, "Like I told you in homeroom, I've been suspended since Tuesday."

She scowled and said, "Well, you need to find someone to share a computer with because we don't have nearly enough for everyone to have their own." I didn't like how she talked to me. I already knew we'd have to share a computer because I'd taken the class the semester before. She seemed grumpy, this Ms. Strauss, and I was getting the feeling she didn't like kids.

When people came into the computer lab, first thing they'd do is start playing music on all the computers, then they'd turn up the volume to keep their song from being drowned out by the others, and the whole place would get really loud. That's what was happening when we came in. Latisha was playing a Twista song, hanging on Jerrell, bouncing her butt up and down with the music. Kids were moving chairs, changing seats, climbing over each other, and tripping over wires as they tried to squeezed in behind the computers. I heard Makayla yelling, "Stop touching me!" She was over in the corner roughhousing with Russ and Kyle like she always does.

It was too crowded in there for that many kids. This wasn't no rich people's computer lab like you see at other schools—you know, the big computer screen with the remote for the teacher to use, glass table tops with keyboards that slide in and out. Not here. We had the ghetto computer lab—cheap, wobbly tables, sagging in the middle and crammed with so much gear that we'd always get our speakers and mouses mixed up. We had wires and power cables running every which way across the floor, and layers of dust—no room for a vacuum, so it never got cleaned. The computers weren't so hot, either. They had no CD burners or places to plug in a flash drive, so you couldn't take anything you created with you—just had to hope nobody erased it. And the printers never worked.

I squeezed between some chairs and sat down by Hope Swanson, the same person I shared a computer with the semester before. I said, "Hey, Hope...What's up, girl?"

"Hey, Macy," is all she said. She was off in her own world, playing computer pinball, and doing her silent thing.

I still had a good buzz going from lunch and was talking to everyone around me. Lori was sitting nearby, gazing at me with her blue eyes. We apologized to each other for the fight we had in the car and made up and blamed the whole thing on us being so screwed up on vodka. Then I told the kids about me getting picked up by the cops, how I was cussing at them, and how they threatened to put handcuffs on me. I could see Makayla listening to my story, pretending she wasn't. It was the first time she'd gotten quiet since I came in the room. I didn't say anything about her, or about me staying at her house. Later on, I caught her eye and gave her a big smile. The way she smiled back, like real gracious, I could tell she had no hard feelings, so I blew her a kiss.

Then Ms. Strauss stood up from her desk, told us to turn off the music, and started taking roll. She got through roll all right, but when she tried explaining the day's assignment, kids were talking and not paying attention. I told them to shut up—I was in a bully mood, and I wanted to see what this Ms. Strauss was about—but no one listened to me. Ms. Strauss started talking louder like she was trying to make a point, and so did all the kids. She said, "You guys need to listen to this or you're not gonna know what to do when you get your assignment." I could see her getting mad. She kept telling people to be quiet and started making threats. Then she got the idea to make the kids who were talking move to other seats, but this got everyone stirred up with people climbing over each other, complaining about where they were being moved. By the time she got back to her lecture, it was louder than before. She finally got fed up and put the assignment on the board, told us where to look in the book for the information we'd need, and sat down. Most kids went on talking like she wasn't even in the room.

I felt sorry for Ms. Strauss. She was short and fat and walked with her head jutting forward and her neck down between her shoulders like an old lady—but she wasn't nearly that old. Now with some people who are overweight, when you see them smile, you can tell they have a pretty face underneath. Mrs. Garrison was like that, but not Ms. Strauss. Ms. Strauss seemed like she'd be ugly even if she were thin, and the way she carried herself, it was like she knew it. And she had something wrong with one of her eyes. It didn't move. It sort of stared straight out like it was seeing things but didn't understand what it was seeing.

~~~

We were about halfway through class, and Hope and I were working on our assignment. Actually, Hope was doing the assignment because it was easy. I was mostly talking and keeping an eye on Ms. Strauss, trying to feel her out. She'd given up on us for the day, and I could tell she was frustrated. I watched her stack and restack a bunch of papers like she was trying to get organized but had run out of things to do. I wanted to run up and throw the whole stack in the garbage for her as a favor. I was thinking, _She has no idea what she's gotten herself into, taking a job at our school._ And just as I was thinking this, the door swung open and Corena, the principal's daughter, came charging in.

Corena ran over to where Hope and I were sitting, stuck her finger in Hope's face, and started screaming at her. At first, I couldn't understand what she was saying. It was like babble, coming out real fast. Then I was able to make out things like, "You goddamn bitch...you and your big mouth...you're supposed to be my friend...see if I ever tell you anything again..."

Now, Corena did stuff like this all the time, but I couldn't imagine what Hope had done to piss her off. Hope was small and quiet and never had a disagreement with anyone, and she sat there calmly staring back while Corena screamed at her. Corena was shaking her finger at Hope, her face was all red, and it seemed like her whole body was vibrating with anger. I had to squeeze my lips together to keep from laughing.

Ms. Strauss got up from behind her desk and said, "Excuse me. You don't just come in here and start yelling at students." As soon as she said this, Corena turned and bolted back out the door. Then I saw Sidney Bouchard, Mrs. Bouchard's daughter, standing out in the hall holding the door open for Corena. Sidney gave Hope an evil smile and let go of the door.

Everyone sat there in shock watching the door swing closed. We knew it wasn't over. And just when the door was about to click shut, Corena yanked it open and came charging back into the room. She looked at Hope and said, "Don't think I'm gonna forget this, you little bitch...I won't put up with people talking behind my back."

Ms. Strauss was scowling mad now, and walking across the room. She said, "Hey!" real loud. "Get out of my classroom!"

But Corena kept going, "You don't know who you're messing with, Hope. I'll make you pay for this..."

By now, Ms. Strauss was right next to Corena, but Corena acted like she didn't even see her. She stood there with her eyes pointed at Hope, holding ground and spewing out threats while her silky, brown hair shimmered around her shoulders. Then, Ms. Strauss used a deep, husky voice I wouldn't have thought she was capable of and growled, "You need to leave this room, _now_ ," and pointed at the door.

Right then, Corena's mom, Tammy, comes barging into the room—she's our principal. First thing she sees is Ms. Strauss, who's right up in Corena's face looking like she's about to bite off Corena's ear. Tammy glared at Ms. Strauss with a look of horror and screamed, "What's going on in here?" Only then, did Corena quit yelling.

Corena turned, looked at her mom, then pointed at Hope and said, "She's spreading rumors about me." Then she stomped out of the room. I saw mean Sidney Bouchard out in the hall holding the door open, and I could tell she was getting a big kick out of this.

Tammy was busy giving Ms. Strauss a long, cold stare. She had her hands on her hips, her lean body had gone stiff, and her tanned, leathery skin was glowing with vengeance. I could feel the fear in the room. It was thick. Because me and every other kid in there knew what the score was—you don't yell at Corena, no matter what, not unless you're ready to deal with Tammy. If Tammy had flown into a rage and fired Ms. Strauss right then and there, I wouldn't have been surprised. I was scared for Ms. Strauss. But after a few moments, Tammy's face relaxed a bit, and she looked around the room and asked, "Does somebody mind telling me what the hell's going on?" sounding real irritated.

At first, nobody said anything. Then I saw Ms. Strauss opening her mouth, getting ready to explain. But before she could, Sidney Bouchard, who was still holding the door, said, "Hope's been spreading rumors about Corena."

Tammy's mouth dropped opened, and she started nodding her head real slow like she thought she understood something—as if that was all the explanation she needed. Her eyes narrowed to slits, her lips grew hard. She looked over to where Hope and I were sitting and said, "Oh yeah?" Then, kind of raising her voice, she said, "We don't like little girls who spread rumors." I saw her dark eyes darting around the room, making sure everybody got it. Then she looked right at Hope, pointed at her, and sneered, "You'd better watch yourself, Hope, because you're in _my_ school, and I'm not gonna have it." She glared at Ms. Strauss one more time, turned, and walked out of the room.

Ms. Strauss started saying, "Mrs. Fletcher, I can't have kids running into my room yelling..." and she followed Tammy into the hall and disappeared. I saw Sidney Bouchard still holding the door open, that bitch. I stuck my tongue out at her, and she let go of the door and walked away.

The kids in the room were going crazy, doubling over, banging on tables and laughing. Calvin said, "Whoooo...that bitch was angry. I don't know what you did, Hopsey, but you made her mad." I gave Calvin a hard look and mouthed the words 'shut up' because, right then, Hope looked pretty sad. She was frowning at the computer in front of her, not saying anything. Then I told the whole room to shut up because they were all laughing and busting up.

For a while, I watched Hope as she sat there motionless. Then I leaned in real close and asked, "What did you do to make her so mad?"

Hope stared down at the keyboard and said in a quiet voice, "I don't want to talk about it."

She sounded so sad the way she said it. It wasn't like she was about to cry, but more like she was growing cold. Like she was drifting off to that sad, lonely place of hers right before my eyes. I knew about Hope and her depressions. I knew if she said, "I don't want to talk about it," she wouldn't, so I left it alone. But I could feel myself getting angry. I said, "Fuck Corena, man...She thinks it's all about her. Like nobody else ever has any problems. Whatever it is, she's probably making a big deal out of nothin'."

Hope said, "I'm going to the bathroom," and got up and left.

The kids had quieted down some when they saw me talking to Hope—I guess they realized how upset she was. But soon as she left, they got loud and rowdy again. We were all laughing about what happened because we thought it was funny to see Corena worked up like that. Kids were coming in from other classrooms to find out what happened and asking if anyone knew why Corena was so mad. Soon Mrs. Marino and Mr. Kearns came in and told them to get back to class. Then some kids started talking about the fact that Corena and Sidney were actually enrolled in computer class but had been skippin all week, which was why Ms. Strauss didn't even know who Corena was. K.P. said, "Well, Corena finally made it to class," and we all cracked up. K.P. started imitating Ms. Strauss, scurrying around the room, saying, "I'm not gonna have people running in here yelling at students...Hey! You need to leave, right now...and who the hell are you, anyway?" Then we heard Corena and Tammy yelling at each other down the hall, and someone went and opened the door so we could hear them better.

When Ms. Strauss finally came back, class was almost over. She didn't try to make us do any more work, so we kept talking. She asked where Hope was, and I told her she went to the bathroom, and it'd be best if we just left her alone. Ms. Strauss nodded and seemed to understand. She sat there working at her desk, trying to appear busy, looking disturbed. I was wishing I could have heard the conversation she had with Tammy. Tammy could care less what teachers thought. I'd heard her talking in the office enough times to know that. It was her school, and she ran it how she wanted, and Ms. Strauss was probably just starting to realize this.

Hope never did come back to class. She showed up for Spanish, put her head down on the desk, and pretended to sleep. The whole school was wound up and talking about what happened. It kinda pissed me off because I knew Hope hated being the center of attention. But that's how it was at our school when something like that went down—nobody wanted to do their work, girls would be trying to get out of class so they could go talk to somebody in the hall and find out details. It could go on for a couple of days if the drama was really big. One thing you could count on was that the more it had to do with Corena, the crazier things would get, and of course, the more Tammy would be trying to get involved.

# Chapter 4

Lifegate Academy was a charter school. It was started by Tammy and her mom because Tammy didn't want her kids going to Terrence West Public. The way Tammy talked about T. West, it sounded like the worst place in the world, but it wasn't nearly as bad as she made it out to be. It was a lot bigger than our school and had all kinds of sports programs, a gymnasium and pool, and a bunch of different classes you could choose from. And most of the kids who went there were black. Now, to get into Lifegate, they had a lottery, but the way it ended up, most kids who went to Lifegate were white. People would always say we were racist for wanting to go to Lifegate, but I wasn't—my mom was making me go there. Thing is, all the black kids I ever talked to who went to T. West said they didn't want to go to Lifegate, anyway, and so the only black kids who came to our school were the ones who didn't fit in over there.

Lifegate wasn't like any school I'd ever been to, and Tammy wasn't anything like a school principal. She wasn't business-like the way principals are supposed to be; she didn't even dress like a principal. She'd show up to school all decked out like she was going to the club with a shiny shirt, tight pants and high heels, or she'd be wearing jeans and a t-shirt. The administrators I knew at other schools were always busy and always working on something real important. Tammy was never busy and spent most the day talking to the kids who would hang out in her office. Sometimes there'd be a whole group of us in there joking around or listening to Tammy and Mrs. Bouchard tell stories. She'd never tell us to leave, even when we were supposed to be in class, which would really piss off the teachers.

A guy like Kearns would come looking for you. He'd find you hanging out with Tammy, looking at cheerleading pictures on her computer, and he'd be like, "Um, Macy, aren't you supposed to be in my class right now?"

Tammy would say, "Oh, she's just helping me out," or, "I needed to talk to her about something...Do you need her in class right now?"

Then you'd be following Kearns back to class and boy, you could tell just by the way he was walking he was pissed—real pissed—and there was nothing he could do. But it wasn't like anybody could skip class and hang out in Tammy's office. You had to be in with her. And you had to be friends with Corena.

Corena was a year ahead of me, but I got to know her through cheerleading, and when I did, I could see right away what being friends with her was about. Everybody wanted to be friends with Corena, so she could sort of pick her friends however she wanted, and she would use people and throw'em away. One day she'd be real nice and fun to be around. Next day, she wouldn't want to have anything to do with you. But if you were friends with her, you got special treatment, so you put up with the way she behaved and tried to be cool even when she was treating you badly. One thing was for sure—you didn't want to be her enemy.

There was nothing special about Corena. She had an oval face with plain features and straight, wispy hair that she wore down just past her shoulders. Her eyes were really round and not pretty and made her look kind of dumb, which she wasn't. When I picture her face, I always think of the expression you see on a baby doll's—slightly startled. She wore the plainest clothes, all solid colors and large, heavy sweaters. She was one of those people who never wore anything too stylish or sexy because she was afraid of embarrassing herself. And her personality was straight up boring, which is what made hanging out with her kind of strange. Because she never said anything funny or original, and a lot of times the stuff she said was just stupid, but kids would still listen and pay attention.

Her only two real friends were Sidney Bouchard and Latisha. Sidney was the daughter of Mrs. Bouchard, the school secretary, and she was the meanest girl in the school. To myself, I called her Sidney the Butcher. Latisha was the opposite of Sidney—she was friends with everyone. She had this wide, warm smile and a way of talking to you where she'd focus on you and really listen to what you were saying which would make you want to open up to her. But you couldn't tell her anything, or just like Sidney, she'd run straight to Corena and Tammy and tell them—and anybody else she met along the way.

~~~

Like I said, Hope had her head down on the desk all through Spanish and disappeared right after school. I went home and took a nap until dinnertime like I always do. After dinner, I called Calvin and made plans to go to his house later, and then I called Hope. When she answered the phone, I said, "Hey, girl. How you doing?"

She said, "I'm fine," but she didn't sound fine.

"So what happened with Corena? Why was she so pissed?"

She said, "I don't wanna talk about it..." with her voice trailing off.

"Come on, Hope, you know I'm gonna find out somehow. You don't want me to have to ask Corena, do you?"

She said, "Oh, it's so stupid...and it's all Garrett's fault." Then she said, "You know how Corena's been fucking Keenan again?"

"Yeah."

"Well...god, it's so stupid...Well, you see...he gave her an itch." Keenan was Corena's ex-boyfriend. He'd quit school back in the fall, but Corena was still fooling around with him even though she claimed they were broken up.

"What do you mean, 'he gave her an itch'" I asked.

"You know...the crabs."

I yelled into the phone, "Oh my god, Corena's got the crabs!"

Hope said, "But you can't tell anybody...I promised her I wouldn't tell anyone."

"But you did."

"I know...the stupid bastard."

"Corena's got crabs! This is awesome," I yelled. I thought it was funny. Corena was always acting like it was all the other girls who were sluts. I could picture her in my mind, sneaking into Walgreen's, having to ask someone what kind of medicine she needed to get rid of them.

Hope said, "You can't tell anyone."

I said, "I won't...I'll wait for Latisha to do it," and I could hear her laughing on the other end. I said, "So what happened? Who'd Garrett tell?"

"Well, Garrett told me that he and Andy were hanging out in Tammy's office with Corena, and they were scratching their crotches and Corena flipped out. Then he was trying to tell me that they weren't even joking around, that his crotch really did itch."

"Right," I said sarcastically. Hope's boyfriend, Garrett, was kind of a prick, and I could see him doing something like that.

Hope said, "I should kill him."

I said, "You should, girl. But at least Corena got what she deserves for hanging around that nasty fucker Keenan."

Hope said, "Yeah..." Then she got quiet.

I knew what she was thinking about—Corena's revenge. I said, "Well, I wouldn't worry about it. She'll probably forget all about it by next week." Hope didn't seem to think so, and the truth was, neither did I. She was worried Corena was going to hold a grudge, make her life miserable at school, and try to get all the other girls to turn against her. I was worried about it, too, but I was trying to cheer her up, so I said, "I'm telling you Hope, don't even trip. She's not worth it."

"I know," she said, "I guess I'll apologize to her and see what happens." I didn't know what else to say. We both knew there was no changing Corena's mind about something once it was made up. And Corena didn't take much to apologies.

Hope and I talked for a few more minutes. I told her about me going to Calvin's house for lunch and about Cassidy and the boys. I tried to talk her into going to the basketball game the next day and told her there was gonna be a party afterwards. She said she wasn't gonna go.

I said, "Well, I'm going over to Calvin's house tonight. I gotta start gettin' ready. I love ya, girl."

She said, "Thanks, Macy," then we hung up.

Hope was my class buddy. We sat by each other in every class, and we were the only sophomores taking Algebra 2. We hardly spent any time together outside of school, though we did talk on the phone a lot. Hope was quiet and not social, and I probably knew her better than anyone in the school. I knew about her dyslexia and her depressions, and she'd told me things about her mom. What was weird was that the more I found out about Hope, the more mysterious she seemed to be.

She had a complexion that was perfect and smooth and slightly tan and changed color throughout the day. Most the time, she wore no expression at all, which only added to the mystery. Looking at her, you'd have no idea what was going on inside her head—whether she was sad, or angry, or laughing at you—but you'd get a funny feeling she was listening closely to whatever was being discussed. And it had an effect on people. When Hope was in the room, seemed like people were more careful about what they said. They treated her with respect and felt protective of her.

As I was changing my clothes, I kept thinking about Hope. I'd been through it with her before about Corena, how being friends with Corena didn't mean anything, but Hope seemed to feel it was necessary that she be friends with her. I guess it made her feel important. The truth was, Corena never really liked Hope. She just put up with her because Hope was pretty and all the boys liked her. It seemed to me like Corena resented Hope, like she was jealous of her because Hope was quiet and well-behaved and never had any enemies. And whenever Hope got in one of her depressed moods, Corena had no sympathy for any of that. Even when Hope missed her period and thought she was pregnant—you know, something that would make anyone upset—Corena didn't care.

Then, right before Christmas, Hope found out that Corena was trying to talk Garrett into breaking up with her. You see, Corena used to date Garrett, and I figured she just wanted her old boyfriend back. Even after that, Hope still wanted to be friends with Corena. It was no wonder she was always getting depressed. She didn't seem to know what to do when she was being treated badly by someone. Or maybe she was just very forgiving.

# Chapter 5

The next day at school, kids were all whispering and passing notes, trying to find out why Corena went off on Hope. They kept asking me what I knew, but I wasn't telling. Eventually, the story got around about Corena getting the crabs, and people quit talking about it—nobody wanted to be heard saying something bad about Corena. I knew Corena wanted it to die down. She didn't say anything more to Hope, and Sidney Bouchard wasn't going around trying to stir things up like she normally would.

That night, we cheered at a basketball game, which we hadn't done since before Christmas. Corena was in charge of the cheerleaders, and we only cheered when she wanted to, which wasn't often. Hope even decided to show up. What was more surprising was that her boyfriend, Garrett, wasn't with her. She stood down at the other end of the line, away from Corena, and Corena pretended like Hope wasn't there.

We were playing Eastman, this private school from the city. "A bunch of rich, prissy boys," as Tammy would say. It was a close game, but it seemed like we were always three points behind the other team, and by the third quarter, Calvin, K.P., and Terrell were all in foul trouble. Tammy, who was sitting down by where we were cheering, kept running over to the sidelines screaming at the referees. You could hear her voice bouncing all over the gymnasium, and people were looking over at her waiting to see what she was gonna do next. She kept booing the refs, pointing at them and calling them racists, and saying they only knew how to call fouls on black people. Terrell's mom was sitting nearby trying to talk to Tammy and calm her down. I heard her tell Tammy that God was watching us, and we should let him be the judge. Next thing you know, Tammy starts yelling at the referees, "God is watching you. He sees what you're doing." We were all embarrassed for her, even Corena, who finally turned to her mom and told her to shut up. Tammy said, "Don't you tell me to shut up, girl. I'll say what I want." And she did for the rest of the game. K.P. eventually fouled out, and we ended up losing 38 to 45, but nobody was too upset about it.

After the game, we all went over to Alley's place, which was the new party pad. Like Makayla, Alley didn't have any parents. Her dad had died from a drug overdose when she was in seventh grade, and her mom was in prison. She'd been living with Trent and his family even though she and Trent broke up over a year ago. Then in December, she started getting money from the state to rent her own apartment, and that's where we'd been going to party for the last month or so.

Everyone was there, Corena, the basketball team, Lori, Chelsea, and the rest of the cheerleaders, even Makayla and her boyfriend—everyone but Hope, who I knew wouldn't show. Then Trent and Keenan and their crew came rolling in, trying to be all bad-ass with their funky clothes, stinking of cologne. Trent was in Calvin's class and a year ahead of me. He liked to act like he was some kind of thug, but to me, he just seemed like an angry redneck. And Keenan was Corena's ex-boyfriend, the guy who gave her the crabs. He dropped out of school after Corena broke up with him.

When Corena showed up at the party, I could tell she was in a bad mood. I watched Keenan walk towards her like he was gonna talk to her. When he got close, Corena gave him the finger right in his face and said, "I don't have anything to say to you, asshole." Keenan stood there giggling while Corena held her finger in his face. Then Latisha walked over, grabbed Keenan by the arm, and pulled him across the room. A few minutes later I heard Corena saying to Sidney Bouchard, "I can't believe that crazy bitch is here. She better not get near me." I knew she was talking about Makayla, who she hated.

Everyone was kinda staying away from Corena, which was making things tense, so I went over and tried to make conversation.

I said, "Hey, Corena. What's up?"

She said, "Nothin'," and stood there looking irritated.

"You want some vodka? Lori brought two bottles."

"No. I don't feel like drinking."

"So, whadya think of those cuties on the other team?"

She said, "Some of them were all right." Then she kinda furrowed her brow, looked me over, and asked, "What, are you still looking around?"

"Well, you can always look, can't ya?"

She said, "I guess so," and looked away like she was turning her nose up at me. I got this feeling she was trying to insinuate something, and I thought to myself, _What a bitch. Here I am trying to make small talk, and she's pulling this 'I'm more pristine than you' routine._ I turned and walked away.

Makayla was being her usual self, running around the room, stirring things up, and acting like she was about twelve years old. She'd take hats off of guy's heads and throw them across the room or goose guys in the ass when they were taking a sip of beer. When she acted like that, girls would think she was flirting with their boyfriends, but it wasn't anything serious; it was just Makayla being Makayla. Her boyfriend, Bobby, was the same way. He was always trying to be cute or outrageous, especially when he talked to girls. He'd been that way since eighth grade, when he still went to Lifegate. Thing was, some people were starting to talk, saying he was gay because of these comments he'd been making. Most of it was just stupid stuff that'd he'd take too far, and he'd always try to play it off like he was joking, but he was starting to freak people out, especially some of the guys. And I guess he was the only person at Alley's party who couldn't see that Corena was in a bad mood. I don't know why he even tried to talk to Corena, knowing how she felt about Makayla, but he did, and he said something to her that she didn't like at all.

I heard Corena yell all the way across the room. She said, "How dare you say that to me!" and she looked like she was about to punch him.

Bobby was standing there, big smile on his face, kind of laughing. He said, "Hey, you don't need to get mad. I'm just saying..."

Corena cut in, "Yeah, well why don't you tell that to your girlfriend." Then she snarled at Makayla across the room, "Hey, Makayla, why don't you get your pervert boyfriend away from me?"

Bobby said, "I'm just joking..." but it was too late. Corena was mad, she was taking it real personal, and wasn't gonna let it drop.

She leaned towards him and said, "I don't think it's funny. Do I look like some kind of a slut to you? Is that what you think I am?...cause I'll beat your ass!"

Calvin, who'd just finished rolling a blunt on the coffee table, got up and walked towards them. He held the blunt between his fingers like a wand, waved his hands in there air, and said, "Hey, Hey, let's all be cool now. We don't need any fighting..."

Corena said to Bobby, "If anyone's a slut, it's you, you fucking faggot..."

Calvin stood in front of Corena, still waving the blunt in the air, and said, "Come on, come on. Just forget what the man said, and let's all relax and have a good time..."

While all this was going on, I heard Keenan and Trent off to the side laughing and making comments under their breath. This just seemed to make Corena more irritated. She gave them a dirty glance, looked around the room at all of us, and said, "Maybe I'll just leave and get away from all you assholes." Then, looking as if she was about to cry, she stormed out of the apartment, and Sidney Bouchard went running after her.

After this happened, nobody was having a good time. Makayla and Bobby got their coats and left without saying bye to anyone. Calvin smoked everyone down, but soon as we got high, Lori started bitching at Keenan and Trent for giving Corena a hard time. Then Lori and Keenan got into a yelling match. Keenan wasn't being real serious, he was laughing and trying to be funny, but Lori was pissed about something, and she wouldn't shut up. She was calling Keenan all kinds of names—an infestation and a drip dick. Then Keenan said, "Who cares what you think, you schizo drunk," which sent Trent and others guys rolling.

Lori was kind of taken aback by the comment. She sat there with a blank look on her face, her mouth hanging open. Then she leaned forward, looked Keenan right in the eyes real serious, and said, "If you ever call me that again, I'll stab you." She got up and went into the kitchen while everyone else sat there looking nervous. Then Jeff Shikes spilled his beer on the floor, and Alley got mad and started kicking everyone out. Calvin and I left and went to his house, where I spent the night.

We spent our whole Saturday in Calvin's basement watching TV and playing video games. Calvin's parents never cared if I slept over—they were cool. They were the only parents I knew who weren't divorced. I didn't go home until about nine Sunday morning, and when I walked in the house, I was sure I was gonna be in trouble—I hadn't bothered to call or send a text telling my mom where I was. But she didn't say anything about it. She asked me how Calvin was doing and how the game went Friday night. I figured she was really glad Calvin and I were back together, more than I'd expected.

But you see, one of the problems with my mom was that she was so quick to change her mind about things, it was hard to adjust your behavior to make her happy. Usually, I didn't even try. And by Sunday evening, she'd already started reconsidering my relationship with Calvin. I'd gone over to his house right after dinner, and when I came home at about twelve thirty, she was waiting for me.

She said, "It's about time you came home, girly. Don't you know you have school tomorrow?" I could tell she was drunk just by how she was laying on the couch. She'd probably been drinking all evening. She said, "We're not starting this, Macy dear, you staying out all hours and spending all your time over at Calvin's house."

I said, "Yeah? Would you rather have me roaming the streets like I used to? Or should I be hanging around Lori? Which one do you want me to do?"

She raised her voice and said, "Don't get smart. I want you coming home when you're supposed to. It's a school night, Macy." I told her I didn't have any homework and that I'd be up this late anyway if I was home. She asked, "How can you not have any homework? You were suspended for two days last week!"

I said, "I got it done at school. Anyway, there's never a lot of homework at the beginning of the semester."

I knew why she was mad. When she starts drinking, she gets lonely and needs people to talk to.

She said, "You're not going to be spending all your time over at Calvin's. I know what goes on over there." Then she paused to see what I would say. I didn't say anything. She asked, "His parents still let you smoke weed in front of them?"

I said, "We don't smoke weed in front of his parents, Mom. You don't even know. His parents are nice, and they leave us alone. If I bring my friends over here, you spend the whole time talking to them."

"Oh, so you don't want me to talk to your friends?"

"No!" I said. "We wanna be left alone. Nobody wants to sit there and talk to their friend's mom all evening."

"You go over and talk to Corena's mom."

"That's different. She's my principal. We talk about people at school. All you do is talk about your problems, and nobody cares."

She said, "So I embarrass you," sounding hurt.

"Well, yeah! My friends don't want to hear about any of that stuff."

She said, "Well I thought we were friends, Macy. Aren't you the one who is supposed to be such a good friend to everyone?" Then she started crying. She never sobs, just cries real quietly. I could see big tears rolling down her cheeks onto her shirt. She said, "Well, I'm sorry. You're all I got, Macy. How do you think I feel when you're gone every night and I'm sitting here all by myself?"

She wanted me to feel sorry for her, but I didn't want to. I was tired. I said, "You're not by yourself. You've got Justin and your husband."

She said, "Justin goes to sleep at 9:00, and Robert's working. And some stuff I'd rather talk to you about than him. But you don't care about me. You've got your friends, and you're worried about their problems, but you don't wanna hear about mine."

That's why she was mad. She didn't care when I came home or what I was doing. She wanted me to feel guilty so I would listen to her talk about whatever was bothering her. If she hadn't started drinking, she'd be sound asleep, not all bent out of shape. So I stayed up for the next two hours, sitting in a chair, listening to her talk. She started out complaining about her boss, who was so busy sleeping around he'd leave all the work for her to do and was always trying to get her to work more hours. Then it was Aunt Cheryl and her kids, who were a bunch of morons and all dropping out of school—but Aunt Cheryl wouldn't listen to any of the advice my mom gave. She didn't appreciate it and told my mom to stay out of her business. Then my mom started complaining about Robert, which is what I hate the most. She was mad because Robert wasn't spending enough time with Justin, my eight-year-old half brother. I liked Robert, but he was a cop, and he worked evenings and was never home. Sometimes, I wondered why my mom married him. He was a lot younger than her, which is why I think they had a lot of problems.

Problems! There was always a problem, and it changed from day to day. One day, it'd be someone she worked with. The next day, it'd be her sister, or something I did, or Robert, or the next-door neighbors. It was always something real petty or stupid, never important. A lot of times, it was something that didn't even concern her, like with Aunt Cheryl and her stupid kids. And whatever the problem was on any day, that's what she'd talk to everyone about. First, I had to hear it, then I'd hear her going over it again on the phone, and then she'd tell Robert when he came home. And Robert, he'd take her real seriously, like he was her fucking psychologist or something, and make her talk about it more.

Sometimes, I didn't even want to go home because I didn't wanna hear about whatever was bugging her that day. And it was always me she had to talk about it with. She said I was a good listener. I was a good listener because I never cared about what she was saying enough to say anything back. I'd just tune her out and stare at the TV. She was always saying, "You're my best friend, Macy. We've been through a lot together." I'd think to myself, _What the fuck is that!_ It was more like she's been through a lot, and I sort of got drug along. And as far as her problems were concerned, if she'd ever dealt with a really important problem, had actually taken some sort of action, then maybe we wouldn't have had to go through some of the shit we did.

I was falling asleep in the chair.

She said, "You're not even listening."

I said, "I'm tired, and I've gotta go to school tomorrow."

"I know. I shouldn't have kept you up with all this, honey. I'm sorry."

I said, "Good night, Mom. I love you."

"Come give me a kiss."

"Oh, Mom..."

"Come on..."

I went over to where she was laying on the couch, gave her a peck on the cheek, and went to bed.

# Chapter 6

All dudes—dudes chilling in Calvin's basement passing a bong, dudes squeezed on a couch watching a basketball game, or piled into Calvin's car going over to some other dude's house to watch a game and smoke pot. That's how it'd been for the last month and a half since Calvin and I got back together—all dudes. Weeknights, I'd be over at his house watching TV. On weekends, I'd be hanging out with him and his boys, K.P., Cecil, Trent, and Keenan, doing whatever. Only time I saw my girlfriends outside of school was at cheerleading practice or basketball games. And since Corena always lost interest in cheerleading as the season went on, we weren't even doing much of that. I was cool spending all my time with Calvin and his friends, but it was different than hanging out with girls.

Girls usually wanna talk, mostly about other girls, but guys always gotta be doing something. They're either playing video games or spades, watching basketball, or playing it. They'll spend the whole day outside installing something into their car, then take off in the middle of the night to go catfishing. Guys are always looking for some kind of action, and when they find it, it can be a wild fun like you'd never have with girls. I remember once, hanging onto the back of Calvin on one of Keenan's ATV's, screaming down the railroad tracks at two o'clock in the morning. We didn't have helmets or goggles, we couldn't see anything, and almost drove straight off a trestle. Afterwards, I'd get the willies just thinking about it, it was so stupid and foolish, but that's the kind of stuff these guys would come up with. Other days, it'd be dead boring hanging out with Calvin and his friends. They were always talking about the same things—how many Kobe dropped the night before, or the stereo system they wanted for their car. I'd find myself trying to be interested in the same stuff they were, and then I'd know I was spending too much time with boys.

Truth was, none of my girlfriends had anything going on that would make me wanna spend time with them. Lori was turning into some sort of crazy drunk. Alley was staying home all the time ever since she got her apartment and wasn't even coming to school, and Chelsea had a boyfriend who lived in another town. I'd see my friends at school when they decided to show up, but we weren't going out and kickin' it like we used to.

Then, one week, Corena began acting really friendly towards me. She made a point of sitting next to me in math and would pass me these notes all through class. The notes didn't say anything important, just questions about what I did the night before or stupid jokes she found on the internet—she was always finding jokes on the internet and telling them to people. I didn't think much of it at first as to why she was being so friendly. Then one day, she walked into Algebra 2, and as she made her way between the tables to the seat next to mine, I saw her looking right at me with her eyes all bright like she had some important news. She sat down, put her face close to mine, and asked, "Hey, Macy, you wanna go to lunch with me and Sidney?"

I said, "I already told Calvin I'd go to his house for lunch."

With her face still close to mine, she says, "Well, we gotta do something, something fun. It's been so long since we've done anything together." She had this way of looking at you when she was talking about something important, where she'd lower her head and her mouth would hang open like she was trying to look at you through her eyebrows.

I didn't know what to say. It was typical of Corena to, all of a sudden, start cozying up to you like you were best friends and you just got back from vacation or something. I didn't have a problem going to lunch with her, or doing anything else. At the same time, I was wondering what this was all about.

I said, "Yeah, we should do something sometime."

Still staring at me, she blurts out, "How's Calvin?"

"Fine? I guess..."

"I mean, how's it going with you and him? Is everything cool?"

"Yeah...it's great."

She said, "Good. I'm so happy for you." I watched her turn her head and take a quick look around the room like she was seeing who was in there and if anyone was listening. Then she turned back to me, "So it's going okay, huh?"

I said, "Yeah, I don't have any complaints, if you know what I mean." I smiled at her real big, still wondering what she was driving at.

She asked, "So what do you guys do? I always see you, Calvin, K.P., and Cecil leaving at lunch."

I put my fingers up to my mouth like I was smoking a joint. She nodded and said, "Ahhh."

Then she started rolling her tongue around on her lower lip. I could tell she was thinking some evil thought. She leaned towards me and whispered, "So is Cassidy still going over to Calvin's house at lunch?"

I said, "Not lately. She was over there the other day, but we were just sitting around smoking."

Corena said, "Yeah. I guess she'll do whatever she has to to get high," which I thought was kinda mean. She didn't even know Cassidy. Cassidy wasn't having sex with those guys so she could get pot. She wasn't a whore.

So I said, "Actually, she brought her own weed, and she was smoking us down. It was some good shit, too." Corena just nodded her head, and I could tell she was already thinking about something else.

Then, in a quiet, confidential voice, she asked, "So you don't mind what she and those guys were doing?"

I shrugged my shoulders and said, "It doesn't bother me. We were broken up." I watched her study my face. It was like she was looking for an answer to a question she hadn't asked.

Then, even more quietly, she asked, "Do you ever see Calvin's brother?" with her face kinda lighting up.

I said, "Yeah...He comes by their house every once in a while. Sometimes he and Calvin'll watch a game together." I said it in a real relaxed, off-hand sort of way like we weren't talking about anything important. Now, I felt like I was in a game. It was as if she was trying to get information out of me, and I was trying to make sure I didn't give it away—even though I didn't know what it was—all the while, acting like I wasn't hiding anything. Right about that time, Calvin and K.P. walked into the room and headed for the table in front of ours. Corena was sitting there looking thoughtful, still examining me for information. I asked, "What about you? You seeing anyone?"

She said, "No. I'm not really interested in going out with anybody right now." It was weird asking Corena about herself. She didn't like talking about any part of her life someone showed an interest in—she was suspicious that way. Right after she said that, she changed the subject.

I couldn't figure out why she was paying so much attention to me, asking all those questions. It wasn't because she liked me or missed hanging out with me, not the Corena I knew. It was something else. She always had a reason why she'd put her attention on certain people, and usually, it didn't take long to find out what it was. Recently, it seemed like Corena had been trying to make things up with Hope, being friendly towards her. They weren't exactly talking because Hope wasn't much of a talker. But when Corena would talk to me, she'd look at Hope to let her know she was in the conversation—which basically meant Corena wasn't mad at her anymore.

All the kids had come in, and Ms. Strauss got up and started class. We were learning how to factor quadratic equations, which I thought was easy, but some kids weren't getting it at all. So every day for the last week, Ms. Strauss had been giving us worksheets with a bunch of practice problems for us to do. I'd always whip through them as fast as I could and spend the rest of the period chatting with people or sleeping. On this day, Corena was paying real close attention to Ms. Strauss, being well-behaved and polite, which was unusual—she was even asking questions. It was all very odd, and it was obvious Corena was working on something, some evil plan—I just couldn't figure out what it was. One thing I can say for her, when she got her mind on something, she didn't slow down for nothin' but went charging right through. Soon as we got our assignment, Corena crept around the table acting real excited and sat opposite me and Hope so she could talk to both of us.

She said, "So I got this idea...Since we're getting near the end of the season, how about we have an outing for all the cheerleaders?"

To Corena, cheerleading was nothing more than a girl's club that she could be in charge of, and the only girls who got in were the ones she wanted. Corena actually got paid to run cheerleading, thanks to her mom. She'd spend the whole first quarter fussing over uniforms and shoes, ordering things, and making sure all the girls paid their fees. Then we'd have a couple practices and cheer a few games, but by Christmas time, it seemed like everything would fall apart. Corena would be mad at someone and wouldn't wanna cheer, or she'd just get bored with it. I didn't mind. It could be a drag going to all those games and always having to ride the bus. We lost almost every game, and the cheerleaders on the other teams were always way better than us.

Corena said we should go have our nails done or go tanning and that she was gonna talk to her mom about having the school sponsor it. I told her it was a great idea, and we started talking about different places we could go. The whole time, I kept wondering what the hell she was up to. Usually, she'd be so blatant and careless, it was real easy to see what kind of plan she was developing, but not this time. I couldn't figure it out. Was she trying to get back at someone? Were we going to leave somebody out and not invite them?...And what about all those questions before class, what was that about? You see, most of the time, she'd come right out and tell you once she was sure you were in, but this was more down low and mysterious. In fact, she seemed to be keeping it all to herself.

The reason I thought this was because Latisha didn't seem to know anything. You see, if Latisha knew something and hadn't blabbed it to someone yet, you'd be able to tell. She'd be jumping out of her chair trying to hold it in or, at least, be insinuating something was gonna go down even if she wasn't quite ready to tell you about it. But Latisha was asleep a couple chairs down from me. And Sidney Bouchard, the other person who would know if there was something to be known, hadn't even bothered to show up for class that day. Now trust me, if Corena was working on some scheme and someone was gonna get screwed, Sidney would wanna be there to watch it unfold. So on that Friday, when Corena brought up the idea of the cheerleaders all getting together, I left Algebra 2 feeling confused and curious.

~~~

The next day was Saturday, and Corena called at about ten in the morning and told me she was having people over to her house that afternoon. She said that since it was so nice outside, her parents had decided to barbeque, and she wanted me to come over and wanted me to tell Calvin and K.P. to come, too. I told her I was watching my little brother and I'd be there later, then I called Calvin.

It was one of those warm days in middle of February where the temperature shoots up to fifty or sixty degrees and you feel like putting on shorts and can't help going outside even if it's just to sit on the front porch. Days like that, you find yourself wanting to do things you'd normally never do, like taking a bike ride or going on a picnic. People'll start doing strange things, and everyone seems nicer. I would've taken my brother on a picnic that day or taken him to a park if we had one near our house. Instead, we threw his football around the front yard and played with the neighbor kids.

When Calvin picked me up at about three o'clock, K.P. was already with him. Just by looking at them, I could tell they'd been smoking down, and when I got in the car, it reeked of weed. They asked me if I wanted some. I said, "Heck no. Somebody's gotta be straight when we show up...And why don't you guys roll down a window and air this thing out?" But Calvin didn't want to. He thought rolling down the windows messed up the sound of the subwoofers he'd spent so much money on. Even after K.P. lit a cigarette, Calvin still kept the windows up, so we rolled through town in a cloud of smoke with J-Kwan booming out of the trunk.

When we pulled up to Corena's, we could see people hanging out in back. Calvin parked in the vacant lot next to the Fletcher's RV, and we got out and hopped the fence into the backyard. Everyone was sitting up on the porch being real low key. It was mostly all the cheerleaders, Sidney Bouchard and her boyfriend, and some guys like Trent and Andy. Latisha wasn't there, and neither was Makayla which didn't surprise me. Makayla started the season as a cheerleader but dropped out early on because of Corena. We said hi to everyone—at least I did. All Calvin and K.P. could manage to do was nod at people and say, "Whadup?" Tammy came out, offered us sodas, and yelled at Corena's dad to bring more chairs. Then Corena came to the door holding a big bowl of potato salad and mixing it up like she was trying to show us she was the one making the food. She greeted us and disappeared back into the kitchen.

We stood there for a while feeling things out. Then Corena's dad brought folding chairs for us and handed them through the door. We each took one, opened them up, and squeezed our way into the circle of kids sitting on the porch. Nobody was saying much; it looked like most people had just woken up. Sidney Bouchard was slouched down in her chair, pouting. Lori, Chelsea, and Tamiah were so hung over they could hardly open their eyes, and Hope was leaned forward holding her face in her hands like she was waiting for it to be over. I said, "Lori, you don't look so good, girl." She said she was cold, so I told her she needed to go sit in the sun. Then I asked Hope where Garrett was. She just shrugged her shoulders and gave me a blank stare. It wasn't normal to be around all these people and for everyone to be so quiet. I guess I was expecting a party. But with Corena's mom and dad there and her little brother running in and out the door, it felt more like we were waiting for some kind of meeting to get going.

So I started telling them about the ICP concert that was coming to town and how Calvin's brother was gonna get us free tickets. Then I told them the story about the last time we saw ICP and how a bunch people were messed up on something real bad. When we were leaving the show, we saw this guy in the parking lot who'd taken off all his clothes and was running around buck naked. The police and security guys were trying to catch him, but he kept running away from them, and everyone coming out of the club was hooting and hollering and cheering him on. The funniest part was that my stepdad, Robert, was one of the people chasing him. You see, when he wasn't working as a cop, sometimes he'd work in the parking lot at Visions when they had a big show.

My ICP story got people loosened up and laughing, and soon, other people began telling stories. We talked about how Keenan had wrecked another truck—ran it straight into a tree—but wasn't hurt at all. Then Calvin told about the time Keenan almost killed the whole basketball team when they were riding in the back of Keenan's truck and it slid off the road. We talked about Terrell, our team's star center, and how he'd been kicking it with this crazy girl, Beverly Radford, who went to the Catholic school. Terrell had quit calling her, but now she was stalking him and showing up at games.

Corena, who was still helping her mom, was listening to us through the kitchen window. When she heard Beverly's name, she came outside and said, "Beverly Radford! That girl's _crazy_ ...and Terrell's been going with her?" Corena looked at Lori and Sidney and said, "Remember that time we were at SpeedMart, and she came up and started talking to us, and we were like, 'Who the hell are you?' We didn't even know who she was, but she thought she knew us. She was talking about all these people we'd never heard of, and we were like, 'We don't know you, girl. Now go away.'"

Lori said, "Yeahhh...I remember her."

Corena said, "She thought I stole her boyfriend! That's what she was saying. So I got up in her face and said, 'I don't know you. I don't know your boyfriend. Now get the fuck out of here before we beat your ass.'"

Lori said, "Yeah, that girl was nuts."

Corena said, "Terrell needs to stay away from her. And get this—this won't surprise you. Guess who she's related to. She's Makayla's cousin!" We weren't surprised because Makayla's whole family is pretty out there. Corena said, "Anybody related to Makayla has gotta be some kind of weirdo—even her boyfriend is a freak." And now Corena was off, bitching about Makayla and Makayla's boyfriend. "He's a faggot, I'm telling you. I know he is. And he's trippin' if he thinks he can get away with saying shit to me like he said over at Alley's house."

I said, "Ahhh, he's just an idiot, Corena."

She said, "Maybe he is. But he's also a fag. You know what I'm talking about..." She lowered her voice and said, "...and you _know_ he and Makayla aren't having sex. I mean, come on..."

Then K.P. stood up with a real serious look on his face and said, "Now hold on Corena. Bobby might be little, what do you call, light in the loafers, but Calvin's cousin, now that's a fag!" And then he and Calvin both started cracking up. He was right. Calvin's cousin was pretty flamboyant for a fourteen-year-old. He was the kind of kid you look at and say, "Oh, he's gonna be gay."

K.P. started imitating how Calvin's cousin was dancing one time when we were all over at Calvin's house and they were having a family reunion. Then Tammy yelled out the window, "K.P., what the hell you doing out there dancing like that?" But K.P. kept shaking his hips and slapping his butt because everyone was laughing.

We kept talking about Bobby, and everyone agreed he'd been acting kind of weird lately. A lot of people had known him for a long time—he used to go to our school—and nobody wanted to come out and say he was gay. Calvin tried to sum it up by saying, "He's just a strange cat, that's all," but now Corena was going on about Makayla. No one could ever understand what Corena's problem was with Makayla. Thing is, Makayla had actually lived with Corena's family for a while when she had nowhere else to go. Then six months later, Corena and her mom took out a restraining order on her. Corena wouldn't talk about it, so no one knew what happened.

Corena kept bitching about things she thought Makayla had said behind her back, and about the way Makayla acts at school, and her quitting cheerleading. Everyone just sort of ignored her and tried to change the subject.

I watched Corena's dad barbecuing brats and hot dogs in the back yard. He wasn't what I would call a friendly person. He never tried to make conversation with any of Corena's friends and would only talk when he had to. It wasn't like he was anti-social. Seemed more like he was afraid someone would get mad if he opened his mouth and tried to say something. He was a short, round, balding man with a little boy's face. It looked like he spent most of his time sitting inside at a desk. Standing out there by the barbeque pit, he looked irritated, like he didn't even want us over there. I watched him fiddling with the grill, opening and closing it, waving the smoke away. He made barbecuing hot dogs seem like a complicated process. I'd see him glance up at us when he thought no one was looking, like he was trying to figure something out. He seemed to be watching Calvin and K.P. real close, especially when K.P. started dancing.

The sun was going down, and people were getting cold, so when it was time to eat, we all went inside. Sidney Bouchard's mom had come over, and she and Tammy talked to us while we sat around the living room chowing off of paper plates. Tammy was asking us about school and how we liked the teachers and if we were having a fun year. We all grunted, yes, because nobody knew what else to say—what was there to say, it was school. Adults seem to forget how it was when they were in school—that the only time you talk about it is when there's nothing else to talk about. Then Tammy wanted to know what we thought of Ms. Strauss. We said she was all right, but some people said her class was boring and that she was kind of a bitch.

Tammy said, "Kind of bitch, my god! Doesn't she ever smile? I guess we just have bad luck with math teachers. First there was Mr. Van Hook, who was doped up on pain medication all the time, then Mrs. Mukhopadhyay, who nobody could understand, and she quits on us, and now we have the one-eyed ogre lady with the crazy clothes."

Mrs. Bouchard said, "She must do her shopping at the Salvation Army because I don't know where else they're selling stuff that looks like that." They both laughed. Then she and Tammy start whispering to each other, sharing some inside joke they thought was pretty funny. Next thing you know, Tammy's telling us how Ms. Strauss stinks up the teacher's bathroom, same time each day, right at noon when all the other teachers wanted to use it. They got a real kick out of telling us about that, probably because everyone was cracking up.

Tammy said, "I'd like to find out what she's eating because this ain't no normal stink up the bathroom, if you know what I mean. There's something foul coming out of that woman." By now, I was beginning to feel embarrassed for them, but Tammy went on, "And you know she's Jewish, oh yeah. Maybe that's what it is. Maybe they have some special food they eat that makes their poop stink so bad..." Then I watched Tammy kinda catch herself, realizing what she'd just said. Without even waiting for a reaction, she changed the subject and asked, "But what I want to know is, what was up the other day with her and Lori?" Lori, who was sitting on the couch next to Corena, didn't say anything. She just scowled at the floor.

What Tammy was talking about had happened a couple of days earlier in Algebra 2. Lori was in one of her rotten moods, and she'd just gotten a test back which she'd failed, and while Ms. Strauss was lecturing, Lori was sitting in the back of the room talking away at Corena. Ms. Strauss told her to be quiet a couple of times, but Lori just ignored her, so Ms. Strauss told her she was getting a referral. Without even taking her eyes off of Corena, Lori snapped, "Who cares," and then more quietly, "you fat bitch."

Everybody heard it. Calvin and KP were sitting across the room from us, and I could tell they heard it, and so did Ms. Strauss. Ms. Strauss told Lori to leave the room, but Lori refused and said she didn't do anything wrong. Ms. Strauss told her again to leave the room, but Lori just shook her head and said, "No." So Ms. Strauss went and got Tammy.

When Tammy showed up, she was kind of smiling to herself like she thought the whole thing was funny. She asked what happened, and a bunch of kids told her that Ms. Strauss was trying to kick Lori out just for talking.

Tammy said, "Lori, were you talking?"

Lori said, "A little bit, but so was everyone else."

Ms. Strauss said, "She called me a name, and everyone heard it!"

So Tammy asked the whole class, "What did she call her?" And everybody, Corena, Sidney, Chelsea, Calvin, and K.P. all started saying that Lori didn't call her anything.

Tammy turned to Ms. Strauss and said, "Well, maybe you're just hearing things."

Ms. Strauss growled back, "I'm not hearing things. They're lying. They all heard it, too."

All of a sudden, Tammy got pissed. She started chewing out Ms. Strauss and tearing into her, just like she was yelling at a student, telling her she should quit picking on kids and trying to get them in trouble and just teach the class and then kids won't be sitting around talking. Then Tammy marched out of the room and left Ms. Strauss standing there, turning red, looking like she was about to cry.

I couldn't believe Tammy would want to bring this up now, and the kids sitting around the living room were playing it off like things had gotten overblown, saying it was really nothing and there were no hard feelings. I could guess what they were all thinking—that Tammy had to have known they were lying when they defended Lori. I mean, Tammy didn't really believe Ms. Strauss would make things up, that she would pick on Lori for no reason. So it was kind of icky is what it was, that she'd wanna talk about this, and I think the other kids felt it, too.

Everyone had pretty much finished eating and were all sitting around the living room, half listening to Tammy talk. We probably would've gone back outside if it wasn't for Tammy, who looked like she still had something to say to us. She was standing up in front of this mantle thing that had pictures of her family on it, looking around the room at us, and kind of squeezing her lips together like she was trying to hold something in. She said, "Oh god, you're all growing up so fast." She'd gotten herself into a mood where it seemed like she was gonna cry, but you didn't know if it was real or if she was just pretending. She beamed down at Corena, who was sitting on the couch, and said, "My dear Corena and a lot of you kids are going to be graduating next year, and our school's just not going to be the same without you guys." She put her fist over her mouth while she considered this.

I was standing in the doorway of the kitchen, watching Corena and the others, and thinking how glad I was that Tammy wasn't my mom—because I wouldn't have been able to deal with the kind of crap Corena went through where her mom was all lovey dovey with her friends. And if it was my mom who was talking the way Tammy was right then, I would've been so embarrassed, but Corena was eating it up. She was looking at her mom with this sentimental smile and glancing around the room to see if everyone else was eating it up, too. Then K.P. got up with a big sheepish grin on his face and went over to Tammy and gave her a big hug. He said, "Tammy, you know I probably wouldn't even be in high school, right now, if I couldn't go to Lifegate." And then Tammy did start crying.

It was just like K.P. to do something like that—egging Tammy on. After that, Tammy started going around the room giving everyone a hug, telling them how much she appreciated them. I turned towards the buffet table in the kitchen, but Tammy must have seen me because she yelled, "Come back here, Macy. You can't get away from me that easy." So I got a hug from her, too, and then I had to give one to Mrs. Bouchard. Tammy finished up with another big hug for K.P. and announced that, "Our school is so lucky to have K.P." It was that second hug between K.P. and Tammy, a long rockin' back and forth because everyone was watching them hug, that made me sick. Because I knew things about K.P., and I knew things about Tammy that would make your skin crawl, and here they were hugging. That's when I did go check out the buffet table in the kitchen, but not because I was planning on eating anything.

It was a weird day, for sure. I think it had something to do with the warm weather—it made everything seem trippy. It was strange listening to Tammy talk about how she was gonna miss all those kids when they graduate. She'd known most of them since they were in sixth grade when the school was started, and she treated them so differently than the rest of us. Seemed like she'd do anything for them, like they were her babies.

After I left, I was still wondering why Corena had invited us over there. I felt like there was a definite purpose...a reason. But whatever it was, it was as if Corena herself wasn't fully aware of it. Then again, maybe it was all her mom's idea.

# Chapter 7

The next week at school, things got stranger and then just as quickly started becoming real clear. On Wednesday, I had a funny feeling. Something about the way people were acting towards me didn't seem right. Seemed like people didn't want to make eye contact or were scared to look me in the face. At first I thought I was just being paranoid, but then I started paying more attention and began to notice other things. People were talking to me, sitting by me in class, and eating lunch with me, but I didn't feel like we were communicating—as if something was being left out. As the day went on, I got more hypersensitive and started feeling separated from everyone. I felt like I was an observer watching a movie, and I was in it, but it was mostly of everything going on around me.

Then on Thursday at the beginning of lunch, I'd just left history class and was headed towards my locker. My plan was to grab my purse, get in line for the snack machine before it got to long, and then get out to Calvin's car because he always likes to leave right away. It was typical lunchtime. The hall was crowded with kids with everyone bumping into each other, carrying on conversations, yelling at their friends down the hall, and trying to get to where they needed to go. Someone had turned out the hall lights like they always do, which made it kinda dark and chaotic. And for some reason, the floor seemed really sticky like someone had spilled soda all over it or something. I squeezed my way between a bunch of people and got to my locker, grabbed my purse and slammed the door. Then I walked across the hall to the snack machine and got in line behind two girls.

I had my hand in my purse and was fumbling around for quarters. I looked down the hall and saw Calvin come out of Mrs. Garrison's room and start walking my way. He seemed dark and thoughtful as he moved through the crowd of kids, and when our eyes met, I could tell he was mad. He walked straight towards me, knocking into people as he went and furrowing up his brow like he was thinking about what he was gonna say. When he got to where I was, he stood right in front of me as if trying to block my path and asked, "What's going on?"

I said, "Nothing. What's going on with you? You look all pissed off or something."

He kinda winced like he was in pain and asked, "What is it I'm supposed to know?"

I said, "What are you talking about?"

He grabbed my arms right above my elbows and pushed me back into the snack machine and yelled, "What is it?"

I said, "Why don't you let go of me, motherfucker!" I brought my leg up to try to push him away with my foot, but he brought his knee up, stuck it in my stomach, and pinned me against the machine.

He kept repeating, "What is it? What is it I'm supposed to know?"

I said, "Get the hell off me, you fuck!"

Then I heard Kearns yell, "Let her go!"

But Calvin didn't. He kept holding my arms and leaning into me, asking, "What is it?"

Kearns was coming down the hall now, saying, "Let her go, Calvin...Get off her," and K.P., who was standing behind Calvin, was also saying, "Let her go, man." Then, right before Kearns got to where we were, K.P. grabbed Calvin around the shoulders and pulled him off me. First thing I wanted to do was pop Calvin right in the face. The only thing that stopped me, besides Kearns who was now standing between us, was that I was so busy thinking about the question Calvin was asking. Calvin took a step back, threw his arms up to get K.P. off of him, then turned away looking confused. Some girls were yelling at Calvin—Caitlin, Latisha, and Chelsea—saying that he needed to get beat down and calling him an asshole. Kearns yelled at them to back off and be quiet, then told everyone to calm down, saying, "All right, everyone just relax." Then he turned to me and asked, "You okay?" I said I was fine, but it came out sounding all choked up. He took my arm and said, "Here, let's go to my classroom," and he started pulling me down the hall. I resisted at first. I wanted to gather myself, and I was still watching Calvin, trying to figure out what he was tripping on. Kearns kept pulling me, saying, "Come on, Macy," and telling people to get out of our way. So I went with him as he led me by my arm through the crowd of students. But as I started walking, I looked back over my shoulder at Calvin and saw Tammy standing at the end of the hall with her arms crossed. The way she stood there, looking all calm and observant, I got the feeling she'd seen the whole thing, like she was just taking it all in. And she was staring right at me—kind of squinting her eyes and looking me over like she was coming up with some final assessment of who I was or something. And the way she was looking at me...well, it was as though I was the one who'd done something wrong.

As I walked with Kearns down the hall, I could tell he was pissed at Calvin. I could hear it in his voice, like he had a lot of adrenaline going through him. I figured he was gonna let Tammy handle Calvin, with her being right there and seeing it all, but then a strange thing happened. As I turned to go into Kearns's room, I took one more look down the hall, and what did I see?—Tammy, with her arms around Calvin giving him a big hug. It was the most fucked up shit I ever saw. And now I knew what this was all about.

I felt dizzy. I was standing on the ground, but the whole room was spinning around my head. I stood just inside the door of Kearns's room with my right arm hugging my purse while Kearns asked me what happened. "Just tell me what Calvin did, Macy." I couldn't even answer him. I could hardly hear what he was saying. All I could see in front of me was this picture of Calvin being hugged by Tammy. He looked like a sad little boy, Calvin did—like a sad, pouting, six-foot-one little boy who was about to cry. And the way he let Tammy hug him, the way he let her put her arms around him, almost throwing his head over her shoulder, it was as if he knew he had something to be sad about. I stood there with this image in my head and felt a panic growing deep in my gut. It was this feeling I get when something has happened or is going to happen, and it can't be stopped, and all you can do is dread the things that are coming. And just beyond the panic and dread was a terrible sadness—the kind that makes you weak in the knees and makes you wanna collapse into a ball and cry. And that's why I couldn't explain anything to Kearns, why I didn't wanna think about it, because I was afraid I would burst into tears.

I could hear him asking me, "Macy, just tell me what happened. Did you hit Calvin?" but I couldn't answer him. I felt numb. My mind was clouding over and starting to drift...to somewhere, anywhere that was away from the events of the last few minutes. I stared across the empty classroom and through the broken shutters and out the windows to the basketball court where I saw movement. It looked like elves...a whole herd of them. They were running, skipping, and moving in disorganized packs, around and around in large circles across the pavement. The elementary kids were having recess. They were chasing balls and chasing each other with their coats unzipped and falling off their shoulders...tumbling, laughing, and charging off in all directions the way kids do, as if they were being pushed around by some invisible hand. They seemed incredibly happy, and on every one of their faces I saw the most fantastic, evil smile.

I watched the bigger kids hurling balls at the little kids. They'd yank a ball out of some kid's hand and fire it into the back of his head as he ran away. It looked vicious and fun, with the little kids letting loose on the big kids when they could and running pell mell in joyful fear when they couldn't. It was relaxing watching them play. It felt like all the tension I was feeling, right then, had begun flowing through my eyes and out to the basketball court and was disappearing into the sky. Way in the back of my mind, I could hear Kearns asking me questions and telling people to stay out of the room. "What were you guys fighting about?" he'd ask. Then I'd hear him yelling at the people who were trying to come in the door. He said, "Macy, you need to tell me what happened," but I was busy watching little feet dancing across the pavement.

"Why are you ignoring me, Macy?"

I see the little kids gather up on the far side of the court with their balls. They have a plan. They're gonna gang up on one of the bullies, but the big kids realize what they're up to and charge the little kids—the kids scatter and run..."Macy, please talk to me"...Some kids try to throw their ball and get a shot off, while others have the ball yanked from their hands. Soon, the big kids have all the balls, and the game begins again.

"Macy!"

A loud bang on the door made me jump. People were waiting to eat their lunch, and they were getting angry and starting to make noise in the hall. Kearns was pacing around the room now, looking irritated. He'd stop to lean on the back of a chair and hang his head in frustration, then he'd let out a big sigh and go back to pacing. He said, "Come on, Macy. I gotta go talk to Calvin, and I need to know what happened," but I could tell by the way he said it, he knew I wasn't gonna talk to him about it.

I muttered, "You saw what happened."

He asked, "So that's all? He held you against the snack machine. Did he hit you or anything?" I shook my head.

He stood there silent for a moment, then asked, "So what was he mad about?"

I didn't answer him. I stood there staring at the floor, frozen by a dull rage and wishing I was somewhere else. I could feel Kearns watching me and waiting, wanting me to say something. I heard him ask in a warm, sympathetic voice, "So, you gonna be all right?"

I said, "Yeah."

"You sure? You wanna go sit in the office for a while?" I shook my head. He stood there looking at me for a moment longer, then patted me on the shoulder and reached for the door. He said, "Of course you're gonna be all right. You're a tough girl, Macy. And Calvin's lucky you didn't kick his ass."

He opened the door and said, "All right, you can come in." A crowd of kids exploded through the door and began filling the room. People were bumping me as they came in—I knew they were all crump about what just happened. I could see them looking at me as they sat down to eat their lunch, wanting to ask me about it but seeing I didn't want to be asked. Kearns stood there a bit longer and chatted with some of the kids. Then he told me I should stay in his room for a while and left. So I did.

I moved towards the windows, sat down in a chair away from the other students, and tried to escape back into the drama that was taking place outside. But it was no use. A nagging sound was taking hold inside my brain. It began as a thought that I tried to put out of my mind, and then it became this image of Calvin leaning towards me, looking fierce and angry. I closed my eyes and squeezed and tried to make it go away...because I didn't want to think about it, not there, not in Kearns's classroom with all those kids around. They were eyeing me, wondering what was up, and whispering to each other. One thing I knew for sure is that I didn't want them to see me crying...But Calvin's voice kept ringing in my head, "What is it?...What is it I'm supposed to know?" It sounded so sad and pleading the way he was asking, and it was making me sadder and sadder every time it repeated...because I knew the answer to his question...and I knew that soon Calvin would too.

I see a boy get hurt out on the basketball court. He's lying on his side, holding his wounded knee, bawling, not able to move. A big kid comes over and tries to act concerned because he was nearby, and he thinks that's what he should be doing. But he doesn't know what to do. He puts his hand on him, but the kid is still bawling his head off, so he looks over his shoulder for the teacher...And there it was again, looming in front of me...that heavy, misty image, as if seen through a red haze, of Calvin being held in Tammy's arms—"What is it I'm supposed to know?"

I wanted to move and get out of the building and get some air. So I got up, made my way between the tables and out of Kearns's classroom, and started walking down the hall. Kids were staring at me as I passed by them. When I walked by the computer lab, I saw some girls sitting around the teacher's desk playing spades, and I heard someone say my name. They were talking about me, and I wondered how much they knew. _What had Corena told them?_ I walked past Tammy's office. Her door was shut, but I could hear Kearns on the other side, raising his voice. I left the building and went out to the parking lot, and when I got there, I saw all the cars were gone. Calvin, Corena, and Lori had all left for lunch, which was good, but also terrible because I knew no one wanted to talk to me. They were avoiding me, and I knew why. Even Hope had left—I thought at least she'd be waiting for me. All I wanted to do was go home. I thought about walking, but I was afraid I'd run into kids I didn't want to see, driving back to school.

I wandered around the parking lot and in between cars, kicking gravel and trying not to cry. Eventually, I went behind the concession stand over by the ball fields and bummed a smoke off of one of the girls. Then I went back inside, got some food out of the snack machine, and hung out in Ms. Strauss's room until computer class. I didn't talk to Calvin or anyone else for the rest of the day, and no one talked to me. I knew it was just a matter of time.

~~~

That night, Calvin called and started asking the same question over and over. He said, "Corena told me she knows something about you."

I said, "Then why don't you ask Corena? Maybe she's just fucking with you. Why are you taking it out on me?"

But he kept asking, "What is it? I wanna know," so I hung up on him.

~~~

The next morning in homeroom, stupid Sierra Brand comes up to me. I felt sorry for her. She wanted to fit in so badly, and for some reason, she thought I was her friend. She came into homeroom with this real serious look on her face and marched right up to me, like she couldn't even help herself, and asked, "Is it true you slept with Calvin's brother?" She said it loud, too.

I said, "It's none of your fucking business, nigger!" and pushed her down. I felt bad about that. Not about jumping her or pulling her hair but about calling her a nigger. I don't know why I said it—I wasn't racist. I think she just had a way of bringing out the worst in me. After she got up, I chased her into the hall and grabbed her by the hair. I was reaching around, jabbing her in the face when Kearns pulled me off of her. I got sent right home and suspended for 5 days. That was on Friday.

Saturday morning, I was sitting on my bed doing my nails when my phone started ringing. It was Hope, and for a moment, I wasn't even sure if I wanted to answer it. I was anxious because I knew she'd be able to tell me a lot of things—things I deserved to know but that I knew would make me feel worse than I already did. I set down the nail polish, took a deep breath, flipped open my phone, and said, "Hey."

She spoke in almost a whisper and said, "Hey, Macy, how you doing?" Her voice was filled with sympathy.

I tried to sound cool and relaxed and said, "I'm fine...no problems...So what's up?"

"I just wanted to see if you were okay."

I said, "Sure, I'm okay...Why wouldn't I be okay? I just got suspended, that's all." I didn't like people feeling sorry for me, and I was so mad at all my friends because not one of them had bothered to tell me what Corena was saying behind my back. Fact is, they'd been avoiding me for two days, even Hope. So I wasn't in the mood to play along with her sympathy routine, but I was glad she called. I tried to make a joke out of how my mom was saying I had psychological problems and violence issues and that I needed to get help. Then I told her my mom had grounded me, not because I'd gotten suspended, but because I wouldn't tell her what Sierra and I were fighting about. I thought Hope would appreciate that because she knew how nosey my mom was, but she didn't say anything. When I quit talking, there was just silence. I guess she was waiting for me to bring up the subject.

I said, "So Corena's telling everyone about me and Calvin's brother, right?"

"Yeah."

"So Calvin must know by now. I guess it's over between me and him."

"I'm so sorry, Macy."

I said, "That's all right. It's my own fault. He was bound to find out sometime." I waited for a response, but all I heard was dead air. Hope wasn't real good at cheering people up. She was kind of awkward that way, but I knew she cared. Then I heard her clear her throat, and I waited, feeling like there was something else she wanted to tell me. But she stayed quiet.

I asked, "So is everyone talking about it?"

She hesitated, "...No, not really..."

"What do you mean, not really? I thought Corena was telling everybody...Does Calvin know?"

There was a long pause, and then she said, "...Yeah...I think so."

"Well how's he acting? He must be pretty pissed off." She didn't say anything. And then I heard her sniffling like she was crying.

"Hope, why you crying?...You're not worried about me, are you? Don't worry about me. What's up?"

She said, "I don't know..." And now she really was crying.

"What happened? Tell me."

"Oh, god. I don't wanna be the one to tell you."

"Well, you gotta tell me. What the hell's going on?"

"Well...she's a fucking bitch, Macy."

"Yeah, I know, Corena's a bitch. So what happened?"

"And you're gonna find out somehow, so I might as well tell you." I could hear worry in her voice, and it started worrying me.

I said, "Well, what is it?"

I heard her take a deep breath, then she said, "Last night, we cheered at the basketball game. The only reason I went is because I thought it might be the last game for cheering. And anyway, after the game...well...Corena and Calvin left together."

I felt a rush of jealousy all over. I pictured those two together and thought to myself, She doesn't deserve him no how...And what the fuck could he possibly see in her?

"I'm sorry, Macy."

I couldn't answer. I felt a big sob starting to well up inside me and two big tears roll down my cheeks. I felt, right then, what I already knew, that it was definitely over between me and him.

Hope said, "I didn't want to tell you, really, but I didn't think you'd want to hear it from anyone else. I wish there was something I could do."

I tried to say, "Thanks for telling me," but it came out all wet and blubbery.

She said, "Do you want me to come over?"

"No, I'll be okay."

I was sitting on the edge of my bed, hunched over and holding the phone to my ear, trying to sob as quietly as possible. I knew it was making Hope uncomfortable.

After about a minute, she said, "Umm, Macy...I'm gonna go now, but give me a call whenever you want to...okay?"

I squeaked, "Okay," and she hung up.

I rolled over on my bed, curled myself into a ball, and pulled the covers over my legs as best I could. I gazed out my bedroom door into the hallway, and suddenly, it seemed like the TV in the living room was really loud. I wanted to get up and shut the door, but I was afraid to move. I was afraid if I got up and walked across the room, my mom would hear me, say something to me, and start bothering me again about why I was fighting Sierra. So I laid there suffering with my eyes open, trying to ignore the blaring TV.

It wasn't as bad as it sounds, me sleeping with Calvin's brother. Not as bad as I'm sure Corena made it sound. When it happened, Calvin and I had already been broken up for a couple of months. I was at a party, back in November, and I ran into Calvin's brother. He was a couple of years older than Calvin, but he used to hang out with Calvin and his friends sometimes, so I knew him pretty well. We talked for a while—I hardly knew anyone else there—and he asked me what I'd been up to. I told him about these crazy girls I was hanging out with and about Lori getting drunk all the time, because he knew Lori. Then he asked me if I wanted to go back to his place. We didn't even leave the party at the same time because we knew how people would talk. I left first and waited by his car until he came out.

He was real honest and up front about it. He said we couldn't start dating or going together because he knew how bad it'd make Calvin feel. I went over to his apartment a couple of times the next week, and that was it. Right after that, Calvin started being friendly again, and I was already regretting what I did. And now I was regretting it way more than I ever thought I would.

The only two people who knew were Hope and Corena. I tell Hope a lot of things, almost everything, because I know she can keep a secret. I should have never told Corena. That was stupid. I know why I did, though, and I feel ashamed every time I think about it. The truth is, sometimes I wanted Corena to like me more. I wanted to be in with her, and when I let her know about Calvin's brother, I was bragging. Corena was asking about him. She said she thought he was cute, so I told her about me and him and made her swear she wouldn't tell anyone. What a fool I was. She even told her fucking mom. That's the only explanation I could think of for why Tammy was hugging Calvin after he pushed me into the snack machine—because she knew. She was probably thinking I was some evil tramp who was trying to hurt her innocent Calvin.

God, I hated Corena. Here, she'd been acting so friendly towards me, sitting by me in class, and inviting me to go to lunch with her. She fucking invites me over to her house the weekend before, and then a couple of days later, she's talking behind my back and stealing my boyfriend. It seemed unbelievable that someone could be so ruthless and mean, but if there was one person who could, it'd be Corena. Because I knew her, and after it happened, I realized she'd been planning it all along, the fucking bitch, and I wanted to kill her. That whole weekend, when I wasn't busy feeling terrible about losing Calvin, I was imagining how I was gonna kick her ass.

My imagination went crazy, and I started getting all these pictures in my mind of Corena and Calvin being happy together and in love. I imagined that this is what they wanted all along, for them to be together. I even started to think they'd planned it—that Corena had begun telling everyone about me and Calvin's brother so Calvin would have a good excuse to break up with me, and that he was in on it, too. And every time I pictured them together, I'd ache with sadness. I'd imagine them standing close to each other, glowing with joy and sharing a joke about something, and then I'd be overcome with the pain of rejection, but I'd go right back to it, that picture in my mind. I'd have a vision of them walking down the hall at school. They'd have their backs to me and would be bumping up against each other with those excited looks you see on the faces of people in love, and I would feel small and worthless. I felt crazy things, like Calvin never loved me but only felt sorry for me...or that he was using me to pass the time, and I was just someone for him to have sex with.

Then I started going through in my mind everything I'd ever imagined for me and Calvin. You know how it is when you're young and in love. You think no two people have ever had a relationship quite as special as yours, which is how I felt about me and Calvin. I thought I could tell him anything and that he always understood me. I felt like he understood me telepathically, and I didn't have to explain because we were meant for each other; we were soul mates. And when we were together, I thought we could conquer the world. It was as if, because of our love, we had special powers that only we could fully appreciate. And I felt excitement whenever I imagined what our future would look like because it seemed we were destined for something remarkable—as if whatever miracle had brought us together was, by itself, evidence of other miracles to come. I had no idea what our future was, but I thought that because it was ours, mine and Calvin's, it would be great.

Well of course it was all a bunch of stupid teenage bullshit, but that's what Corena stole from me. She stole my dreams, and she didn't even know it. I began picturing her as a thoughtless beast or a lower life form, like the guy who runs over your dog and speeds off, not having any idea about what he just destroyed. I wanted to say to her, "If you only knew how it'd make me feel, you would've never been able to do what you did." I hated her more than I'd ever hated anyone, and for the first day or so after Hope told me, it seemed like nothing else mattered in my entire life other than making Corena pay for what she did.

I spent the whole day Saturday moping around the house. My mom kept asking me what the fight with Sierra was about, and I kept telling her it didn't matter.

She said, "Oh, yes it matters because this is crazy, you fighting at school and with girls I don't even know. And you're not going anywhere until I get more information."

Then she asked me why Calvin wasn't calling. I told her I didn't know, but she was suspicious. I just didn't feel like going into it with her and dealing with all her questions and judgments. I wanted to talk to someone, though, so I texted Lori and Chelsea, but they didn't text me back. I spent the evening watching TV with my mom, which just made her more suspicious because I wasn't trying to leave the house.

# Chapter 8

On Sunday, Lori called and apologized for not texting me back the day before. I thought for sure she was gonna start asking a bunch of questions about me and Calvin's brother, but she didn't. All she asked was, "Hey, you wanna get fucked up tonight over at Alley's?" I told her I did, and we made plans for me to sneak out of the house. When she picked me up at the gas station around eight, she already had a bottle of vodka in her trunk. We went over to Alley's place, made vodka and orange juices, smoked some of Alley's weed, and started getting wasted.

It was like a little party, just for me, and it was fun for a while because it'd been weeks since I'd hung out with Alley and Lori. But then they started talking about Corena and Calvin, something I really didn't want to do. Lori said it was horrible of Calvin to be getting with Corena and that he was only doing it for revenge. I told her I wasn't sure about that. She said, "Oh yeah, I think so. I mean, do you think he really likes Corena? Do they seem like a couple to you? No," she shook her head, "if it weren't for what happened between you and his brother, he wouldn't have anything to do with that bitch." She went on, "What's he thinking anyway? I mean, you and him were broken up, right? And he was having sex with Cassidy along with the rest of those guys. And didn't he go out with Hailey for a while? And she's your friend. I don't see why it should make a difference just because you had sex with his brother." Well I could, and I knew it made a difference to Calvin, but I didn't try explaining it to them. Lori said, "Now Corena, on the other hand, is an evil bitch, and I bet she was planning that all along..." Lori stopped for a moment to swallow like she was trying to keep puke from coming up. Then she yelled, "Maaaannnnn, that's got to be the lowest thing anyone can do to somebody else, spread rumors about them and then steal their boyfriend. I bet you wanna kill her right now." Well, right then, I didn't want to kill her because I was drunk. I didn't even want to think about her. I was trying to forget about the whole thing. And it wasn't a rumor Corena was spreading, it was the truth. Lori and Alley kept tripping on Corena, talking about all the mean things she'd done to other people. They talked about how she'd treated Hope in the past, and Makayla, and how when they were in junior high, Corena was so mean to some girls that they had to transfer to other schools. They both felt that what she'd done to me was the worst, and maybe it was. What they didn't understand was that I didn't want to sit around thinking about Corena. I'd just lost my boyfriend—forever—and I could never get him back.

They kept talking and talking until, finally, I got up and went to the bathroom and stayed in there for a while. I did it partly to get away from them, and partly because I'd drank so much vodka, I was feeling a little sick. I sat down on the bathroom floor with my back against the tub and thought about what they were saying. At that moment, I couldn't feel anything for Corena. It seemed like the alcohol had washed away my anger. I wasn't surprised by what Corena had done—shocked, but not surprised. There was a selfish reason for everything she did, and she never tried to hide what those reasons were. As I sat there with my arms crossed on my knees and my head resting on my arms, I thought that in a weird, twisted way, I had respect for Corena. Because if she decided to start talking behind someone's back, she didn't care if everyone knew she was doing it. And that's when I realized I probably wouldn't go through with kicking her ass. I still wanted to, and I spent the next couple of days trying to convince myself I would. But that night, sitting in Alley's bathroom, I saw clearly what the real outcome would be. Corena did whatever she wanted at our school, and everyone accepted the situation whether they liked it or not. And even though she broke my trust and stole my boyfriend outright, I ended up giving her a pass I wouldn't have given anyone else. I hated her, that's for sure, and I swore to myself I'd never speak to her again. But after I got over the rage I felt towards her, another part of me decided it just wasn't worth it—that beating her up wouldn't accomplish anything.

After a while, my stomach started to settle. Lori and Alley were asking me what I was doing in the bathroom, wondering if I was all right. I went back out and sat on the couch with them, and we vegged out on the TV for a couple of hours watching Comedy Central and eating potato chips. My mom yelled at me when I got home, but I ignored her and went to bed.

~~~

I didn't have go to school on Monday because of my suspension. When I woke up, my mom was at work, and my little brother was at school. I spent the day sitting around the house reading and watching soap operas and trying not to think too much about Calvin. Then, around four o'clock, my mom came home with my little brother. Wouldn't you know it, the first thing she said to me when she walked in the front door was, "You had sex with Calvin's brother? What were you thinking?" I immediately thought to myself, _God damned, Tammy has a big mouth._

I said, "What business is it of yours?"

She said, "Yeah, it's none of my business. You're the one who's screwing up a perfectly good relationship."

"And who told you, anyway?" I asked.

"I called Gina Bouchard to see what this fight was all about. Why would you do that, Macy? I thought you loved Calvin."

"Why do I have to explain anything to you?"

"'Cause you're my little girl, and I don't want to see you screwing up your life."

Now, it had started. She was already making her judgments and trying to say what a fuck-up I was.

I jumped up from where I was sitting on the couch and said, "What do you mean screwing up my life? We weren't _married!_ We don't have _kids!_ It's not like I'm getting _divorced,_ Mom."

That stopped her for a second because she knew what I was talking about. She gave me an evil look, and took a deep breath. Then, raising her voice some more, she charged forward, stuck her finger in my face, and said, "Hey, you just screwed up a perfectly good relationship because you decided to sleep around—and with his brother for god's sake. All I'm trying to do is show you where you're making mistakes."

I yelled, "It wasn't a mistake, Mom. We weren't even going out at the time."

"Oh, so it must have been when you were out running around and doing coke with Lori. That's what that shit will do to you...turn you into a..."

"Shut up," I yelled, "Don't you even care how I feel right now?" I felt my eyes welling up with tears.

"How do you think I feel, Macy, when I have to call up your school to find out what's going on with you. And then they're telling me these stories..."

"Fuck those people, Mom! It's none of their damn business, either." Behind her, light was pouring through the open doorway, and I could see my little brother playing in the yard across the street.

"You don't even talk to me, Macy. How am I supposed to help you when you don't talk to me?"

"I don't need your help, Mom!"

I tried walking past her towards the front door, but she stepped in front of me and sneered, "Oh yes you do. Just look at the mess you've made, Macy. The least you could do is let me know about it so I can prepare myself for being _embarrassed!_ " And there, she'd done it again, just like she always does. She'd gotten it turned around and was making it all about herself.

As we stood there eye to eye, I could see her nostrils flaring in and out from her breathing and the muscles twitching under her pudgy cheeks. I felt complete hopelessness. She went on, "Have you thought about that, Macy? I mean, what am I supposed to say the next time I see Calvin's mom in the store? What am I..." I stormed past her, through the front door and across the porch, and started walking down the steps. She followed me saying, "Oh, okay, so you're just gonna leave. You're just gonna run away from your problems like you always do..."

I felt rage charging up my throat. I wheeled around and screamed at the top of my voice, "It's not my problem, Mom. It's _your_ problem! _You're_ the one with the fucking problem, not me!"

She stood in the doorway and said, "Oh really, well I'm not the one who got suspended for five days. I'm not the one going around trying to beat people up. So why don't you explain to me how it's my problem. Tell me, Macy. Tell me how..."

I turned and walked down the steps into the front yard and stood there with my back to her while she lectured me from the doorway. Eventually, she quit talking and shut the door. A moment later, she had the door open again and was calling Justin to come in. I watched him run across the street and slow down when he got to our yard. He marched up the sidewalk kind of hanging his head and eyeing me with a goofy, sheepish grin on his face. I waited to see if my mom had anything else to say. She didn't. Then I heard the door shut, and I was alone.

I walked around the side of the house towards the back yard, wiping the tears off my face, trying to cool off. I thought to myself, _She had to call Mrs. Bouchard. She's so fucking nosey. She had to go find out for herself._ I could imagine Mrs. Bouchard explaining it to my mom, trying to sound concerned and acting like it's really important that my mom should know this. I bet she ran straight to Tammy's office as soon as she hung up the phone and they both had a good laugh. I bet that's all they talked about the whole day—Macy fucked Calvin's brother. Big deal. But of course for them, I'm sure it was the most exciting thing to happen in two months. They were probably telling everybody in the whole fucking town about it, now. I could just hear Tammy talking shit about me and my mother and blaming what I did on her, because that's how she was—judgmental, always acting like she was better than everyone else.

The reason I put off telling my mom was because I knew how she'd react, and I didn't wanna deal with it. Now she was worried, mostly about herself of course, and it was gonna be one question after another until she found out everything she needed to know. I was going to have to justify and defend myself while she pointed out all my mistakes and threw them back in my face. Damn, all I wanted was some sympathy...from someone, or at least to be left alone. I'd just lost my boyfriend, and the only thing my mom could say was that it was my fault. It was just like Lori and Alley the night before, going on and on about Corena. I didn't give a fuck about Corena or what it was that made her do what she did, but that's all they wanted to talk about. And with my mom, it always seemed like whatever problem I had would somehow become a bigger problem for her. So now I had to help _her_ cope with _my_ problem and deal with all this added stress. It seemed like I could never just worry about myself.

I knew! I knew exactly how my mom would react, and I knew exactly what she'd say. But just because the things people are saying may be true, it doesn't give them the right to rub it in your face. I mean, yeah, I'd wrecked everything, and there were some things I didn't even wanna think about—like Calvin and his brother. His brother was a sweet guy, and he and Calvin were real tight. I knew Calvin would be real pissed off at him, and I couldn't even begin to imagine the hurt I'd caused. All I could think was that everyone in that whole house must be cursing my name. And yes, it was all my fucking fault.

I stood there in my back yard, still wearing my pajamas, thinking about how Calvin had managed to forgive me the first time I cheated on him. We never talked about it, not once. Calvin didn't want to. But when we got back together, I thought it showed just what type of person he was. He was able to forgive me and take me back despite the fact that everyone in the whole school knew what I had done. I wondered what Calvin thought of me now. I could hear him explaining it to people, and I knew what he'd say—that I did him dirty, that I was a dirty person, and now he knows, and it's all on me. But the second time wasn't even cheating. I didn't know we were gonna get back together.

Then I started thinking about all the kids at school and the things they'd be saying and how I wouldn't even be there to defend myself. I was dreading going back to school, dreading seeing Calvin, who hadn't even called, and Corena and Sierra. I thought about all the other kids and the stupid questions I was gonna have to answer. I knew everyone would be expecting me to walk into school and start swinging on Corena, and I knew they'd be disappointed if I didn't. And it wouldn't be because they had some particular opinion about what Corena did, but because...well, you know how kids are, they just want to see a good fight. And no one was going to understand how sad I was.

~~~

When we sat down to eat dinner, my mom wasn't saying anything. We were quiet for a long time, and then my brother said, "So Calvin's not your boyfriend anymore?"

I said, "Yep, you got that right."

He asked, "Don't you like him anymore?"

I said, "He doesn't like me," and I could hear my voice crack.

He asked, "Why?" and my mom told him to quit asking questions and finish his dinner. He was quiet for a while, and then he said, "So you're not gonna be going over to his house every night, and you can stay here and play with me."

I said, "Yeah...yeah, I can." And now, I could feel myself breathing heavy—you know, when you feel that pure emotion taking over your body, and you don't know whether you're gonna cry or smash something.

Then he said, "Dad says that Calvin's brother is a drug dealer."

I knew what he was trying to do. In his own way, he was trying to make me feel better. But right then, I wanted to take my mashed potatoes and throw them in his face. My mom had made them because she knew they were my favorite. They were homemade and chunky and had lots of butter on them. All of a sudden, I didn't feel like eating them. I thought to myself, _Everybody's got a fucking opinion, even this runt._ I took one more mouthful and got up from the table. I went to my room, grabbed my cigarettes, put on a hoody, and went outside. I sat on the porch in an old, rusty piece of lawn furniture, the kind with the vines and flowers on the armrests and the metal mesh seat that seems to massage you while you sit. It was cold out, and I pulled my knees up to my chest under my sweatshirt, hugged my legs, and stared out at the dark neighborhood. I stayed that way for a long time, quietly repeating over and over to myself, "Everybody's got an opinion," as if, somehow, that summed up my state of mind. But it didn't. Then I heard Sierra Brand's voice ringing in my head, "Is it true you slept with Calvin's brother?...Is it true?...Is it true?" and I felt the same rage I felt when I attacked her a couple days before.

I lit a cigarette. I'd quit smoking when Calvin and I got back together. He was always saying, "Smoke to get high, not to die." I'd started again the night before when I went over to Alley's.

I was beginning to shiver, and it felt good to be cold. When you have a fever, you're supposed to be cold and shivering until the virus can't live in your body anymore and decides to leave. That's how I felt, like I was getting rid of all the bullshit, driving it out and cleansing myself. I felt like I was getting the stink off from all the people who were trying to put their hands on me. Because it seemed as if somebody always wanted to dissect and explain my problems and use my situation to somehow justify themselves, and I didn't need any of that. I knew where I made mistakes and what I did wrong, and I didn't need anyone to tell me...certainly not my mom.

Sometimes, if you really screw up to the point where you can't blame anyone but yourself, it's almost better that way. It's easier to get over because you're not walking around lying to yourself like so many people are, making up reasons for why something happened. You're not trying to justify it one way or another because you can't. You accept what you did and move on, and that's what I was ready to do. And when I thought about it that way, I felt like a great weight had been lifted, and I felt strong. I was freezing, but I felt strong. I thought, _If other people aren't ready to let me move forward, then screw'em, they need to get their own lives...especially that bitch on the other side of the door._

I hopped off the chair and went inside, expecting her to start in on me again, but she was busy putting my brother to bed. When she finally came out of his room, she saw me sitting on the couch in the darkened living room and came and sat beside me. She was crying. She put her arms around me and told me she was sorry and that she knew how terrible I must feel. I did feel terrible, and I started crying too...because I missed Calvin so much.

~~~

Tuesday evening, my mom let me go out. I think she was tired of me moping around the house and wanted to make things up between us. I went out partying with Lori three nights in a row, which mostly involved going to Alley's place and getting drunk. On Thursday, Chelsea was over there, and it was like old times, hanging out with the girls. We talked about the things we used to do, the fights, and all the trouble we got into. Talking about it that way made it seem like it happened a long time ago, but it wasn't; it was the previous fall. I guess we had all changed some. Alley had her own apartment and had pretty much dropped out of school, and Lori wasn't all high on coke like she used to be—now she was just kind of a drunk. I guess whenever you change a lot, a few months seems longer than it really is. I know I'd changed. I think I'd settled down a bit. I remember feeling like that school year was the longest year of my life because so much had happened. Thing is, we still had about three months to go.

# Chapter 9

Friday, I went back to school. I made my mom drop me off as close to seven thirty as possible because I didn't want to be hanging out, waiting for class to start, and having to talk to people. As soon as I got out of her car, I could feel myself tighten and my blood starting to race a little. I was thinking, _Don't act nervous,_ while my eyes made a sweep of the place to see who was outside. I walked between the cars to the sidewalk and headed towards the front of the school. Some freshmen girls were standing outside watching me as I walked towards them. They started whispering to each other, looking at me and then whispering, as if they could care less what I might think—like they had no manners, the little bitches. Then I saw this dirty dweeb Karl Knott standing by the doors of the school huddled up in this oversized coat he was always wearing. He was watching me the whole time I approached with a knowing smile—the kind of smile only total rejects like him ever try to pull off, like he knows something you don't. He seemed to be waiting for me, but I knew he wasn't because he was always standing there, damn near every day. As I got close to the doors of the school, he reached over and pulled one open for me. I gave him a little nod and said, "Thanks Karl," but my voice sounded bitter. As I stepped through the door, I started getting this incredible sinking feeling in my stomach.

It was the same inside the school with people eyeing me like I'd just come back from juvy hall or something. It was like they were checking me out to see if I'd changed, seeing if I had any scars. I knew it'd be like that, and it didn't bother me. I was worried about other things. I was thinking to myself, _Just throw your purse in your locker, grab your book, and go to homeroom._ But then, as I walked through the double doors into the hallway, I saw him. His head was moving around above everyone else's. He was talking to K.P. and some other basketball players, smiling and looking relaxed and cool. He looked down the hall at me and our eyes met, but just for a second. Then he looked back at the guys he was talking to and kept smiling and nodding his head as if seeing me didn't phase him one bit. I went to my locker, opened the door, and stood there staring into the darkness. I could feel my stomach heaving in and out in big breaths. Slowly, I turned my head and looked down the hall to where he was standing. He was getting a book out of his locker, pulling one from the bottom of the stack and holding the others so they wouldn't fall. He got it out, shut the door, and started walking towards Mrs. Marino's room jabbering away at K.P. the whole time.

When I came out of current events, Calvin was at his locker again talking to K.P. and Cecil. I knew he saw me out of the corner of his eye, but as I walked by, he turned and started digging around in his locker. K.P. and Cecil were looking right at me, though, and with sly smiles, almost giggling to themselves just to see me. K.P. made a big point of saying, "Hey, Macy girl," in a real warm, friendly tone. Cecil said, "Well, hello, Macy," in this white man's voice he'd use when he was trying to be funny. I gave them a little nod and went straight to my locker. I opened the door and stuck my hands inside and acted like I was organizing things in there. I reached into the back and started pulling out crap out I didn't even wanna touch—candy wrappers and leaking pens—until I was sure they'd left the hall. Then I went to the bathroom, washed my hands, and walked back down the hall to Kearns's room.

That's how it was gonna be, I figured, with Calvin pretending I didn't exist, just like the last time we broke up. I'd been wanting to call him all week, or at least, I thought about it a lot. I didn't because I was convinced I knew how it'd go. In fact, every time I imagined what the conversation would be like, I kept hearing him say the same things: that I was a bullshit person, a liar, a sneaky little bitch, and that he should've ditched me a long time ago. I'd gone through it so many times that it started to seem like it really happened. All I wanted was to tell him I was sorry, but I was afraid to hear the things he'd say back to me.

Seemed like every time I turned around that day, in the hallway or in class, I'd see Sierra Brand scowling at me. I noticed she still had a bit of a black eye from where I hit her. She was really a sweet person, really annoying, but not mean like a lot of other girls at that school. And god, she was so big and muscular. She was one of those big, burly softball players, the kind of girl who looked funny in a dress and who was never going to look feminine. I bet she felt bad about getting beat up by someone my size. I wanted to tell her I was sorry and make up with her, but I didn't want her to start thinking we were friends...and she was the type who would.

I didn't see Corena in Algebra 2 and figured she wasn't at school that day. I wasn't looking forward to seeing her, that's for sure, but I was anxious to get it over with, and it was starting to seem like I was gonna have to wait until Monday. But then, when Lori and I were coming back from lunch and walking up the sidewalk towards the school, Corena suddenly burst through the front doors and started marching down the sidewalk right towards us. She looked agitated, like she was in a hurry to get somewhere, and she was moving quickly with wisps of her silky, tan hair blowing back over her shoulders. It took me by surprise, and my mind was racing, wondering what I was gonna do. But she didn't even look at us, was acting like she didn't see us. She stared at the ground as if she was thinking about something, then she looked up, stared straight ahead, and blew right past like she was on her way to take care of some important business.

I knew she'd seen me, she had to. She probably saw me through the glass doors from inside the school and decided she was gonna put on this act and avoid me. And when I realized what she was doing, it made me angry, real angry, to think she was gonna pretend I didn't exist. Because she was awful damn bold when she chose to talk behind my back and steal my boyfriend. Now, she didn't even have the guts to acknowledge it was me who she'd hurt and that I might be expecting some sort of explanation. I felt all kinds of mean, nasty words forming in my mouth. And even though she was trying to avoid me, I knew that all I had to do was say one thing to her, anything, and it'd be on.

I could see it in her walk—the aggression. It didn't matter what she was feeling at the moment. I knew how she was. If I'd said something to her, she'd only respond one way—with hateful words and fists. With just a couple words, she'd be in my face spitting and screaming, and within seconds, we'd be in an all out fist fight. And it got me thinking that maybe I could get away with it—maybe we could just have it out right here and I wouldn't get kicked out of school. Because, you see, it'd be mostly me acting in self defense. And maybe Tammy wouldn't threaten me with a lawsuit or come at me with whatever crazy bullshit she has for people who dare to hit her daughter.

I wanted to say something to Corena so bad, and I could feel myself tightening up all over. With a sickening fury, I looked over my shoulder and watched her march to her car, hop in, and slam the door. When she fired up the engine and started backing out of her parking space, I felt hate begin to pour out of my body. It was a strange sensation because the hate wasn't directed just at Corena, but at everyone and everything—at the people inside the school, at the building itself, and the entire town I was living in. More than anything, I was hating myself because I knew I'd just caved in to fear.

Corena had left. I was standing outside the front doors of the school feeling queasy, feeling like my joints were made of rubber, wishing I could go home. Lori said, "I wonder where she's going," and stood there looking at me and smacking her gum like she was waiting for an answer. All I could think about was running to the bathroom, locking myself in a stall, and crying. She asked, "Hey, you wanna skip?" I was about to say, yes, but then we heard Chelsea and Tamiah yelling at us. They were running up the sidewalk acting all happy and wound up and glad to see us. Chelsea ran over, put her arms around us, and said, "All right, baby...Two more classes, and then whadya say we go get FUCKED UP!" I let myself be dragged into the building, hoping no one would notice the emotion that must've been covering my face. Later that day, we scored some alcohol, bought some pot, then went to Alley's house and got wasted.

~~~

It wasn't until the next week that anyone else besides my best friends would talk to me about what'd happened. It was on Monday in Spanish class, while we were waiting for the bell to ring, that Caitlin, Hailey Moore, Cassidy Catrell, and Hope started talking to me about it. Hope didn't actually say anything. She just sat quiet and listened. They told me that Calvin and Corena were acting like they were king and queen of the school ever since they hooked up. They said what Corena did was mean, and nobody trusted her anymore. I told them I wasn't gonna let it bother me. "I thought she was my friend, but I guess not. She's gotta live with herself and with what she did, and I'm just gonna move on." Then they asked me if I was gonna fight Corena, and I said, "No, she's not even worth it." Sidney Bouchard was in there, and I knew she'd be reporting everything to Corena, so I said it in a way so that she and everyone else would know I wasn't gonna get caught up in any Corena drama. At that point, I really did want to forget about it and let the whole thing pass.

The next couple of weeks were kind of hard, though. It felt like everything had shifted. Those girls were right about Calvin and Corena and the way they were acting. They seemed overly happy, like they were trying to rub it in. Seemed like they thought everyone else should be happy for them as well. And this vibe was going around where you were either friends with Calvin and Corena or friends with me. I didn't like it because I didn't need anybody trying to support me or taking my side.

It was all going on in Tammy's office—the place where Corena would hang out when she didn't want to go to class. And of course, whenever Corena didn't wanna go to class, she always made sure a lot of other kids didn't go either. I'd see them in there lounging around in the big comfy chairs—Corena, Calvin, Sidney Bouchard and her mom, Latisha, K.P., Trent, and Garrett. Tammy was loving it, having a bunch of kids in her office all day chit-chatting and gossiping. I'd never seen her so happy. You could actually hear it in her voice. She sounded up and chirpy. It was like they were having their own special party in there to celebrate Corena being in love, and it made me sick.

What bothered me most was that I knew what went on in that office and what they talked about—I'd been in there myself enough times to know. They were always talking shit about someone and tearing somebody down. I remember the year before when I sat in there and listened to Tammy rip Makayla and her stepsister to shreds. You see, Makayla had been living with Tammy and her family because she had no other place to stay. One day, Makayla quit showing up to school, and then we heard that Tammy had taken out a restraining order on her, but no one knew why.

A couple of weeks after Makayla quit school, I was sitting in Tammy's office talking to Corena, and Tammy was sitting behind her desk. Mrs. Bouchard came in and said, "Guess who's transcripts they want over at the high school."

Tammy asked, "Who?" and Mrs. Bouchard kind of raise her eyebrows and gave Tammy this serious look. Tammy's mouth dropped open, and she started nodding her head like she knew.

Mrs. Bouchard said, "And guess who's address she put down for where she's living," and she handed Tammy a piece of paper.

Tammy looked at it and said, "Oh, really. What a joke. Well, good luck to her. I bet she doesn't even finish out the school year...That lying little bitch, when she came to us, she told us this story about not having any parents, but we knew all along she did. They just didn't want her, and we found out why. She's a nasty little pig is what she is who can't keep her eyes off of anyone with a penis." Then Tammy started going off, saying all kinds of mean things about Makayla. I was caught between wanting to leave the room and wanting to stay so I could hear what she said.

Tammy said, "That girl doesn't know anything about hygiene." She looked over at Mrs. Bouchard and said, "I told you the story about the tampons, didn't I?" Then she looked at me and said, "She was throwing them under her bed!...And then one day little Billy was asking me what the dog was eating, and when I looked, it was her tampons!...God, it was disgusting. Imagine the talk I had to have with her. I still haven't had the courage to go clean that room she was staying in." Mrs. Bouchard asked her if it was bad. Tammy said, "Oh, it's bad, and who knows what else is under that bed. Maybe I'll find some of the stuff she stole from us. Corena, you know what I'm talking about, all those CD's that went missing and your iPod. And there was always money disappearing, the little thief. I can't believe we let her stay as long as we did. And the way she would lie—Oh, my God. And then, after she was staying with us for a while, I hear about what she did to her parents, making up these stories and trying to get them in trouble..."

When I heard Tammy say that, I said, "She told me it was true."

Tammy made a sour face, shook her head, and said, "It was all a lie, Macy. That's why they didn't go to jail. And I don't blame them for kicking her out and letting her sister be her guardian. I wouldn't want to have anything to do with my daughter if she tried accusing me of stuff like that."

And that's where Tammy was wrong. Because everyone knew what Makayla's parents had done to her. They just couldn't prove it. Her dad had been in trouble for that before, abusing kids, and her stepsister swore it happened to her, too. Makayla hated her parents so much that the state let her stepsister become her guardian so she wouldn't have to live with them anymore. I couldn't believe Tammy was saying it was all a lie.

But Tammy kept going on, "And that stepsister, she's one notch above a retard if you ask me. She came over once to sign some papers, and I swear I was starting to wonder if she could even read because I had to explain to her what everything meant. And that's who Makayla's staying with now. She lives in Minnith, not Rock Hill. So now she's telling more lies and putting her parent's address down as the place where she's living. Wait 'till the school finds out about that."

Which is exactly what happened. The high school found out she wasn't living in town, and they kicked her out. In August, she came back to Lifegate. The only reason Tammy let her come back was because Mrs. Bouchard and some of us girls begged her.

That day I sat in Tammy's office and heard her tearing up on Makayla was the first time I caught a glimpse of how cruel and mean Tammy could be. I'd heard a lot of other things since then. And now, since none of the kids who were hanging out around Tammy's office would even talk to me, I figured the person they were busy ripping on was me. I knew how they were. It wasn't enough that Corena stole my boyfriend, not for them. They were gonna make me out to be some sort of dirty tramp who never deserved to be going out with Calvin in the first place. Then they were gonna talk about every other bad thing I'd ever done. It didn't matter if I was trying to be cool, trying to move on. I was the bad person, the black sheep. Even Lanetta, Keisha and Joslyn, these girls who were friendly with everyone, were avoiding me. It was the old "Whose side are you on" game, and at this school, most people wanted to be on Corena's side, just to be safe.

It wasn't like I didn't have any friends at school. I still had Lori and Chelsea and some girls in my class. Lori and Chelsea pretty much kept their distance from Corena outside of cheerleading because they'd known her for so long, they'd grown tired of dealing with her shit. It was disturbing, though, when you find out people are talking about you behind your back. One day, I was eating lunch with Cassidy Catrell and her crew, and I saw Latisha and Sidney Bouchard standing outside the doorway. They signaled for Caitlin to come out into the hall, and I saw them whispering to her and laughing and whispering some more. Then they looked at me and started laughing. Now in the past, that'd be more than enough to get me out in the hall throwing punches, but for some reason, I didn't care. I stuck my tongue between my fingers and wiggled it around, then mouthed 'lesbos' at them, and they turned and walked away. Caitlin had already disappeared down the hall. She probably felt bad about what they were doing—trying to pick off what few friends I had left.

I'd heard some of the things they were saying about me, though—Cassidy and her friends told me. One thing they were saying was that the first time Calvin and I broke up, it wasn't just Dwayne who had sex with me, but the other guys, too. They said that's what Dwayne had been telling people. I didn't know what to think, as to whether it was true or not—I was so drunk that night, I blacked out. It was also going around that I was a cokehead and that I stole pills, once, from Calvin's dad when I was over at his house, which was total bullshit. It's sad the way people will make things up about other people. Even if what they were saying was true, does that make them a better person for saying it? I think not. I didn't spend much time denying these stories because like my mom says, the more you deny it, the more people will think it's true.

~~~

Sometimes when I walked by Tammy's office, I'd see Hope sitting in there not saying anything. She looked like she didn't even want to be there but was too scared to get up and leave. I'd see her sitting in the far back corner with her back against a bookshelf, not talking to anyone and no one talking to her. Then I'd carry that picture around in my head for the rest of the day—this picture of Hope trying to be friends with people who didn't even like her. I knew it had something to do with the power of Corena. For some reason, Hope needed to act as if she and Corena were friends.

Hope wouldn't talk to me anymore. It's not like she was being rude about it. She just didn't have much to say. We'd still sit by each other in class, but she was off in her own world, drifting through school like a zombie.

She was depressed. I could tell because she looked dead in the face. It wasn't the dead look someone gets when they quit caring—you know, when someone is so overwhelmed, they look like they just wanna lie down and go to sleep. It was different. It was like she knew she looked dead, or she felt dead and was completely comfortable, even enjoying, being in that place. I'd see her standing in the hall next to Garrett while he talked to a bunch of people. He'd be acting like a big shot, roughhousing with Andy, and picking on little kids that went by. Hope would be standing there with a blank look on her face like she had no opinion about anything that might be said...as if she had no feelings for anyone or anything going on around her. She had all the teachers thinking she was sick, was always leaving class to go to the bathroom and staying in there for a long time. I was worried about her and mad at her at the same time because she was acting like we weren't good friends. But we were good friends, even if she wasn't talking to me, so one night, I decided to give her a call.

I said, "Hey, Hope."

She said, "Hey."

"So what's going on?"

She said, "Oh, nothing," in a dull voice.

I said, "You know that's not true, and you know I'm gonna keep asking..." I waited and then asked, "...So has Corena found the man of her dreams, is he everything she's always wanted?"

"I don't know. You should be thankful you don't have to talk to her. All she talks about is Calvin. She acts like we should be so happy for her. What she did to you was really mean."

"Yeah," I said. "At least I don't have to deal with Corena anymore. So how are you doing? What's this _not talking to Macy_ crap? I thought we were girls, Hope."

"I don't know. I just don't have any energy for anything that's going on at school right now. I don't even wanna be there."

"Yeah, well I'm not enjoying school so much, myself. Everyone's avoiding me, even you! Everybody's hanging out in Tammy's office having their little love party."

"I know. It's so stupid."

I was waiting for her to make up some reason for why she was always hanging out in Tammy's office, but she didn't say anything. I asked, "So what's up with you? Why you look so sad?"

"Oh, I'm fine."

"Come on, Hope, you won't even talk to me. What's wrong?"

"I don't know. I don't think Garrett likes me anymore. He said he's tired of hearing about my problems."

I knew it'd be something lame like this, about why she was sad. I got irritated just thinking about having to listen to this story again, about Garrett. I said, "Fuck Garrett. Why do you let him get you down? Why don't you dump his sorry ass and find someone else?"

She said, "I don't knowww," with her voice trailing off. She sounded irritated. She didn't like it when people talked bad about Garrett. And recently, kids had been calling him a racist because of some comments he'd made. But the way I saw it, if everybody's talking bad about your boyfriend, maybe there's something in it.

I said, "Hope, why do you stay with him when all he does is say mean things?"

"He's not always like that," she said. "Sometimes we have fun. I don't know anybody else I'd wanna go out with. They all seem so stupid. At least Garrett's smart."

"He's a smart ass," I said. "I mean, Garrett doesn't have one of the greatest personalities, you gotta admit..."

"But at least he's interesting. He's interested in stuff. He likes good music and movies, and he likes to go to cool places. He just doesn't wanna talk about anything—anything having to do with me."

"Like what?"

"I don't know...Well, like my parents. He doesn't ever want to hear about them."

"He doesn't want you to talk about your parents?"

"Well, you know, like trouble I'm having with them."

"You got problems with your parents?"

"Yeah, don't you?"

I said, "Yeah, I guess so...I guess everybody does. But you got problems with your dad? He doesn't even live with you."

"Well, that's it. I wanted to go live with him, and he said I could, but now my stepmom doesn't want me to. She's got her kids there, but she doesn't want me there. She hates me."

I asked, "Why do you wanna go live with your dad?"

"Why do you think?" She paused for a while and said, "Sometimes I feel like she doesn't even want me. I've told you. She never talks to me, and when she does, it's always about her boyfriend...And she's a slut."

I said, "Hope, don't call your mom that."

"She _is_. She cheats on her boyfriend all the time, and I don't even like him, but I feel sorry for him. I mean, I thought it was bad enough when she started, you know, working at the strip club, but at least she makes money. But now she's always sleeping with all these guys, or doing something, 'cause she doesn't come home. And then Toni calls, and he wants to know where she is."

"He calls you?"

"On my cell phone! And I never know what to say."

"God, that sucks. I mean, you shouldn't have to deal with that. But Hope, you don't really want to go live with your dad, do you? You don't want to leave Lifegate. And what about your mom? She loves you, Hope."

"She doesn't." Hope said this as if it were a fact. Then she said, "Sometimes I think I'm adopted."

I said, "You're not adopted, Hope."

She said, "I don't know. I've been thinking about it lately, and it seems to make sense."

"That's crazy. What makes you think you're adopted?"

"Well, it's kind of stupid, but it's what got me thinking about it. I saw something written on the tables in Ms. Strauss's room. It said, 'Dear Hope, I bet you didn't know you were adopted.'"

I said, "Yeah. It's a joke, Hope. Haven't you ever heard somebody say that? Who wrote it?"

"I don't know...a girl."

"Sounds like something Corena would write."

She said, "Yeah, maybe. But it got me thinking about how my mom treats my brother different than me."

"Your brother's what, eight years old?"

"Yeah, I know, but that's not what I mean about her treating him different. Imagine if I was—if I was adopted and didn't know about it. It would explain a lot of things."

"Hope, you're not adopted."

"Maybe not. It's just such a drag having her for a mom. It really is. I mean, just the other day, Latisha tells me that Tammy was in the office calling my mom a skank. Can you believe that? How would you feel if everyone thought your mom was a skank?"

I said, "I don't know, Hope."

We were quiet for a while, and I thought about how glad I was that Hope's mom wasn't my mom. You know how there are those people who are related to people you know, and you say, "I'm glad that's not my sister," or something like that. That's how I felt about Hope's mom. She was so cold, like an old witch.

Then I said, "I saw your mom at school the other day, and I talked to her. She said she was there for a meeting."

Hope said, "My IEP meeting."

"Yeah? What's that?"

"For my dyslexia."

"Oh. Does it bother you? I mean, it doesn't seem to me like it causes you any problems."

"It doesn't. I'm used to it."

"Well, that's good that it doesn't bother you."

She said, "I don't even have an IEP anymore. I'm on what they call a monitor. They have a meeting to make sure I'm not having any problems, that's all." Then she said, "Well, I should get off the phone. Garrett's supposed to call, and I gotta put my brother to bed."

We said bye to each other and hung up. I was glad to get off the phone with her because sometimes Hope can really bring me down. Her mom _was_ a skank, or a slut, or whatever you wanna call it, but she wasn't always that way. Hope told me it was only in the last year or so that her mom started being like that. I guess that's what really bothered Hope, seeing her mom change. It's kind of pathetic, really, seeing grown adults acting like teenagers, staying out all night, cheating on their boyfriends. And if the person wasn't always like that, it seems even worse. I'd been thinking about that kind of stuff ever since Calvin and I broke up. I thought about how my mom acted like I'd made some big mistake by sleeping with Calvin's brother. But I was a teenager. I'm supposed to make mistakes. I'd also been thinking that maybe if my mom acted more grown up, then she'd see it that way, too.

# Chapter 10

Hope and I were sitting together in computer class and working on our assignment, which was a PowerPoint presentation. Ms. Strauss said it could be about anything we wanted, but it had to be informative. We titled ours _Best Songs of the Year_ and started making slides for each song and writing things about the artists. For a while, I'd been seeing something out of the corner of my eye, beyond the doorway. When I looked, I saw Corena lurking out in the hall, checking up on Calvin. Calvin had started coming to class again, probably because he was worried about his grade, and every day, Corena would come around to check on him. Some days, she'd be standing out there talking to Sidney Bouchard or Garrett and making so much noise that Ms. Strauss would have to go shut the door. Other days, she'd kind of slink by like a ghost or stand out there real quiet, just out of sight, peering in and not wanting to be seen, which is what she was doing on this day.

It was just a few days earlier that Calvin was wandering around the computer lab with nothing to do, and Makayla asked him if he would help her with her assignment. Calvin went over and stood behind Makayla's chair. He was leaning over her with his hand on her mouse when we heard Corena say from out in the hall, "Calvin, I need to see you, right now." Calvin stood up looking surprised. Then, just like a dog getting ready to be scolded, he started walking towards the door where Corena stood glaring at him.

Ms. Strauss said, "Calvin, you're not leaving this room. We're still having class."

Calvin stopped, looking confused. With kind of a smirk on his face, he looked at Ms. Strauss and then back at Corena, shrugged his shoulders, and started walking back to his seat. Corena said, "I'll talk to you later," and walked away. You could hear oohhs and hisses and giggling, and soon, K.P. and Cecil were falling out laughing.

Calvin, who was turning plum red, starts saying, "Hey now. Hey, I got my business straight," which just made them laugh harder. I got a big kick out of that. The one thing Calvin never had to worry about with me was jealousy.

I nudged Hope and said, "Corena's out there spying again, keeping an eye on you-know-who." Hope leaned back in her chair, looked out the doorway, and turned back to me smiling. She seemed to be in a much better mood lately. She was talking to people, wanting to be involved, and sometimes even smiling. I thought about our conversation from a couple of days earlier and said, "Maybe we should make a PowerPoint presentation titled _Things We Hate About Our Mothers._ " It was a joke, but when I saw her purse her lips and sit there looking thoughtful, I wished I hadn't said it.

Hope stared at the computer screen for a while and said, "You remember what we were talking about the other day? Well, I went ahead and asked my mom."

"Asked her what?"

"If I was adopted."

I said, "Oh, Hope, you didn't. Why?"

She said, "I don't know, but when I asked her, she acted kinda weird at first, then we started talking. She wanted to know why I would ask that, so I told her."

"You told her you read it on a table at school?"

"No, but I told her everything else, about how she treats me different than my brother and how she ignores me and never asks how I'm doing or anything else about me. She said it was because I never cause any problems and I always do well at school. She was saying that she didn't have to worry about me because I act so grown up." Hope rolled her eyes and went on, "So anyway, I got mad and started telling her that I do have problems, but she doesn't know about them because she never asks. I told her she doesn't know anything about me, and it doesn't seem like she even wants to know. I said that whenever I try to tell her things, I always feel like it's a big inconvenience for her just to listen. Well, that got her attention, and after that, we talked for a long time about a lot of stuff."

"Like what?"

"Well, I told her Garrett and I were having sex."

"Really!"

"Yeah, and I told her about me thinking I was pregnant."

"Wowww.."

"At first she was like, 'Oh my god, what have I done,' and I said, 'You haven't done anything. It was my fault, not yours,' and she said, 'No, I should know about these things.' She was like, 'I'm so sorry, Hope. You should be able to talk to me about stuff like this.' And then she told me I should definitely get on birth control, and she was going to help me do that."

I said, "Damn, your mom's cooler than I thought."

Hope said, "Well, I don't know about that. But then I started telling her about wanting to go live with my dad, and how I'd talked to him about it, and about my step mom and all that. It made her sad, and she said she'd do whatever she had to so I would stay with her. She said she'd be totally lonely if I left."

"Well, see, Hope. I told you she loves you."

Hope turned and looked at me with a bit of a smile and said, "I even told her that I didn't like her sleeping around."

"You didn't."

"I did. I told her everything I was feeling. At first, she denied it and said she wasn't sleeping around. Then she started crying. She said she was an awful mom and a failure. I said, 'No you're not, but look at the example your giving me,' and when I said that, it seemed to make her feel even worse."

"I'm sure it did. Damn, Hope, you really stuck it to her."

"I didn't mean to, but once we started talking, it just all came out."

"Well, good. It was probably the right thing to do. Do you feel better?"

"Yeah. I mean, I don't know if she's gonna change. She says she is, but I don't know. But I'm glad I told her."

"Well, good," I said. Then I started imagining trying to have a conversation like that with my mom. I thought about the times I'd tried to talk to her and tell her what I was feeling and how she'd start screaming and act like I was being ungrateful. Or she'd act real hurt and say I didn't love her when all I wanted to tell her was that she was putting too much pressure on me. Either way we never got anywhere. My mom was the opposite of Hope's because all she ever did was ask questions. She was always nosing about in my business and had an opinion about everything I did, which is why we couldn't talk about anything.

I began to think of everything that was bad between me and my mom—how she was always bugging me with her problems, her reaction to me and Calvin breaking up and the way she blamed it on me and all that shit. It didn't seem fair the way we're stuck with the parents we're stuck with. As I thought about the conversation Hope had with her mom, I started feeling really low and cheated and even a little jealous of Hope. And with Calvin sitting just a couple of chairs away and Corena creeping around out in the hall, I could feel an evil mood coming on fast, taking me to a place I didn't want to be. So I tried to put it out of my mind.

I turned to Hope and said, "Hey, why don't you come to Alley's house tomorrow night? She's having a party, and we're even getting a keg."

She said, "I don't know. I might have to watch my little brother."

"Get somebody else to watch him. It'll be fun. Hell, tomorrow's Friday. You should go out."

"Garrett's gonna come over, and I know he won't wanna go."

I said, "Well, think about it because it's going to be a crump party, and the whole school's gonna to be there." I knew she wouldn't come for that exact reason. She didn't like wild parties or big crowds. I was just wishing she would hang out with us girls sometimes, instead of Garrett.

# Chapter 11

The next day, soon as school let out, Lori and I ran out to her car and drove to my house. She waited while I took a shower and got ready to go out, then we went to her house, and she got ready. We spent about an hour in her bedroom fixing our hair, putting on makeup, and calling people. We split up this bag of weed Lori had scored the day before from Calvin's brother and rolled a joint. Soon as we got back in her car, we lit it and started driving around town. We drove by the park where they play basketball and went by the SpeedMart telling everyone we ran into about Alley's party. Then we drove over to Terrence West High School.

When we pulled into the parking lot, Lori saw some black guys she knew sitting in a truck, so she pulled up beside them. These guys were old, probably in their late twenties. I don't know where Lori knew them from, but they seemed to know her. First thing she asked them, after she rolled down her window, was if they knew where we could find this guy, DJ. She said she wanted to buy some coke. I was confused because I thought DJ was one of the drug dealers Lori owed a lot of money to, and I was glad when these guys said they didn't know where he was. But they told us about a party over in Minnith and said if we went there later, we'd for sure find somebody selling.

When we drove away, I asked, "What the hell do you want to see DJ for?"

She said, "To buy some coke," real matter of fact.

I said, "Wasn't he one of the guys who was after you? Don't you owe him money?"

She said, "No, that's all over...no, we're straight."

I said, "But I thought you quit."

She said, "Well, I just wanna get some for the party." And all of a sudden, I did too. Just her mentioning the coke kinda made my spine tingle. That's how it was with some drugs. Soon as you start thinking about getting some, you start wanting it a lot more, and then you get anxious and start thinking, 'Well, what if we don't find any?' So now I was sort of irritated at Lori because she'd brought up the idea of scoring coke and got me thinking about it.

After we left the high school, we drove by the SpeedMart again, then got some food at Taco Bell and went over to Alley's. Her apartment was in a little stripmally place on the second floor above an insurance company, right off the main drag, and you had to park in the back and go up some steps to get to it. When we walked in, we saw a lot of people already there, and it was only about six o'clock. Keenan's brother, Dwayne, had gotten the keg for the party, and he was there with all his redneck friends. I saw a lot of other people I didn't know, mostly guys. They all looked the same, a lot of muscles, tight t-shirts, tattoos and earrings, which made me think they were all bouncers at the same strip club or something. When I went to get a beer, they were standing around the keg arguing over whether we should be listening to country or rap. Then they all began staring at me, looking me up and down. They asked me what I thought, country or rap. I told them that Alley liked country music, and it was her apartment. One of them said, "Well, there you go. Hey, Alley, you got some good country we'd could play?" Then I told them I always thought all those country guys were gay, and the rest of them start hooting and laughing and giving that guy a hard time. He wanted me to explain myself, but I ignored him, got a beer, and went into the kitchen to talk to Alley and Lori. I didn't like guys who seemed to spend more time worrying about their looks than I did about mine.

At first, the party wasn't much fun because we didn't know most of the people there. It was a lot of older, sicko guys, the kind who show up to high school parties for free beer and a chance to hit on high school girls—guys like Dwayne. Alley tried to collect money for the beer, but nobody wanted to pay, so I took over, told everyone to pay up or get out, and most people gave me something. Then I stood at the door and collected money from everyone who came in, and that's when the Lifegate kids started arriving. Chelsea, Tamiah, and Caitlin came in all decked out and already drunk along with Eric Cole, Trent, Russ, and Kyle. Keenan and Chad, who were ex-Lifegate students, showed up with their crew of ghouls all wearing tight t-shirts, gold chains and ball caps going every which way. They all stunk of cologne in an incredible way, which made me wonder how they were able to sit in a car with each other on the way over. Some kids from the Catholic school and regular high school were also arriving. I knew most of them. They were all associated with Lifegate in one way or another. Then a bunch of other kids from our school, kids you don't usually see at parties, started showing up. They were standing there in one big group, just inside the door, looking awkward and nervous. I told them where to get cups and where the keg was and made them move out of the way for the people coming in.

Now, as Lifegate kids, it was kind of our thing to be real loud and bring a lot of attention to ourselves whenever we were out in public. It might have been because we went to a really small school and were comfortable together and didn't have to worry about offending each other. It could have also been our way of letting everyone else know we weren't scared, and we were proud of where we were from. Whenever we showed up at a party, no matter where it was, it became our party. We'd try to take it over and do the best we could to turn it up a notch.

So real quick, the country music was off the stereo, replaced by T.I. Keenan and Chad carried the keg into the kitchen because the line was getting long and we needed more room. I quit working the door, and all of us girls started dancing in the middle of the room, bunched up in one big group the way we always do. People started sliding the furniture up against the walls, and everyone who wasn't dancing sort of cleared out of our way. The party was getting crunk. All the kids from Lifegate were acting crazy and hanging on each other and being overly sexual because we all knew each other and we knew how it freaked people out. The older creeps were loving it, but we weren't doing it for them. It's how we had fun. People were rolling joints and passing them around, and guys were wrestling on the floor. A bunch of freshman girls were sitting up on the back of the couch bouncing to music, and the place just got louder and louder.

I wasn't even drunk yet, but I was really enjoying myself. I was enjoying being around the kids from my school, even the ones who hadn't been real friendly to me over the last couple weeks. I wasn't thinking about Calvin or Corena or any of that shit. I wasn't even thinking about those dickheads Dwayne, Keenan, and Trent, who'd been telling people they ran a train on me that night when I was so drunk. Seemed like everyone was there to forget and have a good time and be kids again. For me, it'd been a long time since I'd been able to do that.

Then, right in the middle of it, Lori came up to me and said she wanted to go check out that other party to see if she could buy some coke. I'd forgotten all about the idea. I said, "No way, I'm having too much fun," but she started begging me. She had this way of talking to you, if she wanted something, that made you feel like you were her only hope or her only friend, and everything hung on you.

She said, "Please, Macy, I need you to go. I'm scared to go alone."

I said, "Why don't we go later?" But she wanted to go right then, and I knew she wouldn't stop bothering me until we did. I said, "Okay, but we're not staying long. We're just gonna go there and come right back."

We ran outside, got in Lori's car, and started driving across town towards Minnith. I got a CD out of the center console and put it in and started talking to Lori about all the people who'd come to the party. She didn't say anything back. She was staring straight ahead and kinda leaning forward with a real serious look on her face. I could tell, all she was thinking about was the coke she wanted to score.

We drove out of town past the trailer court, past the big trucking company and sewer district, until we were out in the country surrounded by cornfields. Every mile or so, we'd pass a rundown shack or trailer falling off its blocks, each one looking worse than the one before. You can't even tell when you arrive in Minnith—it's so vacant; it just sort of creeps up on you. At a bend in the road, we saw this bar we were looking for, Angelo's, and found the street where we were supposed to turn. We turned left and drove through a dark neighborhood until we came to a little white church, if you could call it that. It was the smallest church I'd ever seen—more like prayer box. We saw some G's sitting out front on BMX bikes, and they nodded at us like they wanted us to pull over. When we turned corner, we knew we were at the right place—it was a big party.

We saw cars lining the street for two blocks and a lot of people standing outside on the sidewalks and in the street. As we drove close to the house, we got stuck behind a line of cars that were cruising real slow. People were coming up and talking to the people in the cars, and for a while, we just sat there not moving, checking shit out. The party looked ghetto, real ghetto, and we didn't see anyone our own age; they were all older. Now, I'd been to ghetto parties before, but this was Minnith—it was worse than Bethel—so I was a little nervous, and I could tell Lori was plain scared. She didn't wanna park and go inside, so instead she pulled up to where the people were standing around and rolled down her window.

We could see the folks on the sidewalk eyeing us, wondering what these two white girls wanted. Then a big guy in a leather jacket, sporting one of those old school hats and a lot of jewelry, came up to our car. With a big smile, he said, "Ladies, how you doing tonight? My name's Melvin." He stuck his hand in the car, and it looked about as big as Lori's head. Lori let go of the steering wheel and put her hand in his. When he shook her hand, he held onto it and asked, "What's your name?" Her voice sounded weak and scared as she told him her name, which kind of embarrassed me because he didn't seem like someone to be scared of. So I reached across the car and shook his hand and said, "Hi, I'm Macy."

"Macy, that's a pretty name."

Then Lori, her voice still shaking, asked him if he knew anyone who was selling coke. He laughed and said, "Oh, I knew there was some reason for you girls being in the hood. Well, I don't know anybody personally, but I'm sure I can find someone." Then he yelled at one of his friends, and some other guys came over to the car. They were all dressed real sharp, and the way they looked at us through the windows with their big, curious smiles made me feel like we should be asking for directions back to the highway or something—not "where can we get some coke?" They didn't know anybody personally, either, but they said if we were to go inside, there was bound to be someone selling. Other guys were coming around now and looking us over through the windows. Lori talked to them and said some names, but nobody knew any of the people she was asking about. Then we heard the car behind us honk, and Lori took her foot off the brake and drove abruptly forward, away from the crowd of guys. "Let's get out of here," she said.

I said, "You mean we drove all the way over here so you could talk to some guys out the window?"

She said, "Don't start with me, Macy," and I could tell she was getting in one of her moods. I didn't want her to snap on me when we were all the way over in Minnith because you never knew what she might do, so I kept my mouth shut. She was driving fast now, wearing a big frown on her face and staring straight ahead. I figured she was in a hurry to get back to Alley's so she could get drunk. She stopped at the Arab liquor store, which was on the way, and bought a bottle of vodka. She said it was for when the beer ran out.

When we got back to the party, we couldn't find a place to park in back, so we had to park in front of the strip mall and walk around. Halfway up the steps, we eased our way around a freshman girl who was throwing up over the railing. We could hardly squeeze through the back door because the apartment was so packed with people. Nobody was dancing anymore; there wasn't room, and the place smelled of vomit. There was a line for the keg and a line for the bathroom, and people were yelling through bathroom door to the people inside, saying, "Go outside if you have to puke." Cassidy Catrell and her friends were playing CDs on the stereo, but it was all pop, girly stuff. Every time they put something on, someone would yell across the room that it was weak and they wanted to hear some hard beats. I saw Makayla and her boyfriend, Bobby, standing in the corner. I went and said hi to them, then went looking for Alley.

In the kitchen, Tamiah and Caitlin were trying to play quarters with two guys I didn't know while everybody else stood around watching. Chelsea was laid out face-down on the kitchen counter, wasted. She had her eyes closed with her head resting on her folded arms, her knees were bent, and her feet were perched against the refrigerator. I asked someone, "Is she sleeping?"

Without opening her eyes, Chelsea drawled, "My stomach hurts, and I wanna keep my head close to the sink."

Then I saw Alley, looking mad as hell. She came up to me, grabbed me by the shoulders, and yelled in my face, "I want these people out of here! Those damn girls threw up on my floor, and they won't even clean it up."

I asked her, "You want me to start telling people to leave?"

She said, "Would you, please?" But I didn't have to because the keg ran out of beer, and a lot of people started clearing out.

The older crowd was the first to leave—the strip club bouncer fags and other people who nobody seemed to know. What was left were a lot of Lifegate kids, Lifegate dropouts like Keenan and Chad, and Keenan's brother, Dwayne, and a couple of his friends. Everyone was drunk and sweaty, stumbling around, talking about where they could get more alcohol. Lori had gotten her bottle of vodka out of the car and was making a drink for herself and telling everyone else they couldn't have any. Alley was huffing around the apartment picking up half drunk cups of beer and getting more and more angry as she surveyed the damage.

It'd gotten to the point that most parties get to where everyone is too drunk to have fun, but they haven't figured out yet that it's time to go home. I thought about how when Calvin and I were dating and the party would get like this, we'd get in his car, smoke a joint, and go have a different kind of party. I felt kind of bummed out and sad. I'd been feeling that way ever since Lori and I started driving back from Minnith. I guess I realized that all I had now were my friends, and sometimes they weren't much fun to hang out with. It's not that I was missing Calvin so much as I was missing having that someone you could go with when the party was over—someone besides Lori.

Caitlin and I were standing in the living room talking to Makayla and Bobby, who were, by far, the most sober people there. Makayla seemed real calm, like she does on those few occasions when she takes her ADD medicine. Bobby was acting real low-key as well, which was unusual. Makayla was telling us about her stepsister, who'd gotten pregnant, talking about how she was gonna help take care of the baby and how they hadn't decided yet what to name it. Bobby wasn't saying anything. He looked worried like he was thinking about something real hard. I noticed his eyes kept wandering around the room, and I began to wonder what was up with him. Then I saw Keenan, Chad, Trent, and some other guys all huddled up on the couch whispering and looking our way. I remember standing there listening to Makayla's voice, which sounded so calm and grown up, and feeling a strange sensation coming over me. It was like I had understanding, but I hadn't yet formed a picture in my mind or assigned any words to describe it. I felt caught between Makayla's words and some unformed thought, like a cat when they're confused and their ears start twisting in different directions.

Then I watched Keenan and the rest of them get off the couch and walk over to where we were standing. They had strange looks on their faces—sly smiles, or maybe what people call shit-eating grins. Then, all of a sudden, I got a sick feeling in my stomach because I knew what was gonna happen. I understood now, and it was bad. Trent said something to Bobby. He asked him a question, and as Bobby began answer, Trent stood there with a big smile on his face, nodding his head. And the way he stood there, smiling and nodding, I could tell he wasn't even listening to the answer. I wanted to do something. I wanted to jump in between them and stop it before it happened, but I knew there was no stopping these guys once they got an idea in their head. And then, like a flash, Trent hit Bobby in the face sending him stumbling backwards. In the same instant, Keenan, who was standing behind Bobby, hit him in the side of the head, and Bobby went down. Bobby tried to scramble back up and away from the guys, but Keenan, Trent, Chad, and Jeff Shikes all jumped on Bobby and started punching and kicking him, knocking him back to the floor. Then other guys started coming across the room and jumping in like they knew it was gonna happen, like they were just waiting for a signal.

Makayla let out a high pitched scream and started jumping up and down with her hands in front of her face. Me and a bunch of other girls started yelling at the guys to get off Bobby. Then Chelsea, Alley, and Tamiah came running out of kitchen to do the same, but the guys just ignored us. We tried pulling some of the guys off of him, and right away, I got an elbow in the face. I jumped right back in there and started pulling on people, and the more we tried to break it up, the more the guys started pushing us away, and the more mad and aggressive us girls got. We started pulling hair, grabbing guys around the necks, double-teaming them, and doing whatever we could to get them off Bobby. Chelsea and I pulled Chad halfway across the room, but he just broke free and jumped back into the pile. Then Trent turned around and started pushing girls away, one at a time, yelling, "Get out of here, you fucking bitches." Chelsea, Alley, and I started swinging at Trent. He stepped backwards and tripped over the coffee table, and I kicked him in the stomach. He got up with a crazy look in his eyes and charged at me, and Chelsea and Alley grabbed his shirt and started clawing at his face until he pulled away.

The guys weren't letting up on Bobby. It seemed like every boy in the room was over there taking turns punching and kicking him and calling him names. You couldn't even see Bobby there were so many guys around him. And the way they were beating him, they were so serious about it, like they were taking part in some sort of ritual. Me and the other girls kept trying to stop them, and after a while, some of the guys backed off. Then I saw Trent punch Lori in the face and watched her fall down. I ran over with a clenched fist to hit Trent, but he punched me in the mouth first, which sent me backwards, and I landed on my ass. He was about to jump on me when Dwayne grabbed him from behind and carried him away. Then I saw Eric Cole, who was the only guy trying to break it up, fighting with Keenan. Eric tackled Keenan and tried to put him in a head lock, but Dwayne, who was a lot bigger than Eric, went over and picked Eric up and dropped him on his head. Eric held up his hands, signaling that he was done, and just sat there on the floor shaking his head.

Then it was over. People were still yelling, and girls were still pushing, but all the guys started grabbing their coats and heading out the door. They were leaving quick because I guess they were afraid the police might show up soon. The thing I remember, when I think about them hurrying out of the apartment, was that not one of them looked back at the lump of Bobby they left lying on the floor. Makayla was still screaming. It wasn't until my head cleared a little that I realized she'd been screaming the entire time. She was sitting in a chair having some kind of panic attack, holding her head in her hands, breathing real fast and rocking back and forth. I think she thought Bobby was dead, and my god, he looked dead. He was just laying there in a little pile, curled into a tight fetal position and not moving. Eric Cole went over, got down next to Bobby, and asked him if he was okay. He asked Bobby if he could hear him, saying, "Move your hand if you can hear me."

Bobby's face was covered with blood. It was in his hair and smudged all over his t-shirt. I stood there watching Eric and looking at Bobby, wondering if he was even alive. It was hard to look at him, but I made myself. His face was twisted, and it was hard to see where his eyes were because of all the blood. I thought I saw him move his arm, and as I watched him for a while longer, I could see him breathing. Then he mumbled something to Eric, and it came out all wet and gurgley. I didn't know what we should do, but Eric was acting like he knew and was checking Bobby over. Then all of a sudden, Bobby lifted his head and tried to get up, and Eric told him not to. Bobby struggled to his knees, but Eric put his arms around him and said, "Just lay back down, man," and Bobby did. Then Bobby started moaning and saying his head hurt.

I ran to the kitchen to get a towel, but I couldn't find one, so I ran to the bathroom, grabbed the first one I saw, and went back to the living room. Lori, Alley, and Tamiah were trying to calm down Makayla, who was sitting there with her eyes rolled back in her head, making whining sounds. I'd never seen anyone act like that before—it was like she'd checked out of reality and wasn't ready to come back in. Bobby was sitting up now, and Eric was talking to him, telling him not to move. I went back to the kitchen to look for ice, but there was none, so I got another towel from the bathroom and put cold water on it. Bobby's face was all fucked up, and as we started wiping the blood away, I could feel my stomach turning. He was bleeding from a lot of places, especially around his left eye, and there was a place on the side of his head where skin was hanging off. When he tried to talk, we found out he had a broken jaw, and that's when we decided to take him to the hospital.

Eric and a bunch of us girls got Bobby up and walked him down the steps to Eric's car. We put him in the front seat and went back up to get Makayla. She had calmed down some. Now she was just sobbing and blubbering, sitting there with her hands in her lap, staring at the carpet. I think if we hadn't helped her up and led her down the back steps, she would've sat there crying until she passed out from exhaustion. We put her in the back of Eric's car with Chelsea, and the four of them drove off.

Lori and I got in her car because we were going to follow them to the hospital. Then Lori remembered her vodka and ran back inside to get it. Once we got on the road, Lori decided she didn't want to go to the hospital—said she was too pissed off and that we wouldn't be any help, anyway. I didn't argue with her because I didn't feel like going to the hospital, either. We parked around the corner from Lori's house in a dark area away from the streetlamps and sat there smoking cigarettes and drinking the rest of her vodka. We drank a lot of vodka, chugged it right out of the bottle like we were trying to forget about what just happened. After about an hour, I called Chelsea on her cell phone. She told me they were at the hospital, and the nurses were working on Bobby. She said the police were there and asking questions, and that she and Eric had made up a lie. We only talked for about a minute because Chelsea wanted to get off the phone. They were gonna split before the police could ask them any more questions.

Lori got so drunk she was falling asleep right there in the car. All I wanted to do was go home. I wanted to go home, go to sleep, and not wake up for a long time. And the thought of sleeping on Lori's couch with all the dog hair and the smell kinda made me sick to my stomach because I was already imagining the hangover I was gonna have the next day. So I got out of the car, went around to the other side, and sort of rolled Lori over the console and into the passenger seat. I didn't have a license, but I didn't care. I drove as carefully as I could, trying to stay in the neighborhoods and off the main roads where there might be cops. By the time we got to my house, Lori was completely passed out and starting to snore. It took me twenty minutes of coaxing and dragging to get her out of the car, up the steps, through the front door, and finally, over to the couch where I let her collapse. Then I went to bed.

# Chapter 12

When I woke up, my mom was standing over my bed asking, "What the hell happened to you last night?"

"Nothin'."

"Then why's your lip all swollen up?" she asked.

I felt my lip with my hand, and it felt massive. I was imagining how hideous it looked. I tried to sit up, but my head began throbbing so much I had to lay back down. I said, "Just let me wake up, Mom, and I'll tell you about it."

I slept for another two hours. When I finally got out of bed and went into the living room, I saw Lori, still sleeping on the couch. I went to the kitchen and got some water, sat down, and put my head on the table. Then I heard my mom come into the kitchen. I could feel her standing there, waiting, but I was so hung over I couldn't bear to open my eyes. She barked at me, "All right. So tell me. What happened?" and the sound of her voice made me cringe. Using as few words as possible, I told her. Then came the questions: Who brought the beer? Why did Keenan want to beat up Makayla's boyfriend? Why didn't someone call the police? And everything I told her seemed to confirm what she already thought about me, my friends, and the people we hung out with. She said she knew Keenan was dangerous. And Trent, just by looking at him, she could tell he was a mean kid. She said we should've never been over there in the first place. "This is what happens when kids are unsupervised and drinking." Then she asked me why we didn't try to stop it, and I told her we did. But I was too tired to explain any more, so I let her do the rest of the talking. She had plenty to say. She said my judgment was bad, and I was hanging out with the wrong crowd. She wanted to know, "Who are these parents that are letting their kids go to keg parties?...Was Calvin or K.P. there?—no?—cause they would've stopped it."

When Lori woke up, we had to go over it all again. Lori explained how the girls were trying to pull the guys off Bobby, and that seemed to make my mom feel a little better. She still spent the rest of the morning walking around the house, shaking her head, and saying she didn't know what she was gonna do about me. Then she called every one of her friends and told them what happened, and I had to listen to it all because when she talks on the phone, she talks real loud and paces back and forth between the living room and kitchen. It was the same worries repeated over and over, "These kids are drinking too much. That Alley's got her own apartment, and these kids are going over there doing God-knows-what. And the way they fight, we never did that as kids—jumping people. They're like animals, and somebody's gonna get killed."

After Lori left, I laid around the house the whole day. I didn't go anywhere the rest of the weekend except for on Sunday when my mom and I went shopping at South Hills mall. Nobody called me, and I wasn't trying to call them. I did try to call Makayla at her house a few times, but there was no answer—she didn't have a cell phone.

It was strange. Every time I thought about Bobby getting beat up, I got this queasy, panicked feeling in my stomach. It wasn't because of what happened to Bobby, him getting stomped and all. I'd seen people get beat up before, lots of times, though never like that. What made me feel sick was that I knew all the people involved. I felt embarrassed for them, to see people act like that. I think I was embarrassed for all of us which was why I didn't wanna go out or see anybody and why I wasn't looking forward to Monday. I mean, I knew Trent and Keenan were goons, and they did stuff like that all the time. But guys like Russ and Kyle—they were friends with Makayla. Hell, they'd spend the entire computer class goofing around with her. What were they doing jumping on Bobby? Or Andy and those other guys? How were they ever gonna look Makayla in the face again without feeling bad? How were they ever gonna sit in the same classroom with her?

When I played it back in my mind, I saw snapshots because that's how I remember things. I get pictures in my mind, and whatever the picture is, that sort of becomes the summary of what happened, which is why I sometimes remember things wrong. The picture is just the most important thing I remember about an incident. It's the part that sticks in my mind, not the whole story. When I think back to that night, I remember arms and legs and hot sweaty bodies being knocked around and people screaming. Unless I sit down and really think about it, it's all vague and fuzzy except for the faces. The snapshots I carry in my mind about that night are of the looks on the guys' faces when they were beating Bobby.

On some faces I saw pure joy. It was a mean joy like you see when people are having a pillow fight or playing dodge ball at school and letting loose on each other. On other faces I saw fear. Fear! I don't know what they were so scared of, certainly not Bobby because he wasn't getting up. I remember how all the guys ran across the room and started kicking and punching him, like they were scared not to and they didn't wanna be left out. And the way they went about it was so serious, as if they were doing a job that had to get done. It was eerie because it was the same kind of seriousness you see when a bunch of guys are sitting around watching a big game or playing Madden or NBA Live. You could stand in front of them, take your shirt off, and say, "Let's go babe," and they'd say you're blocking the TV and wave you away, irritated.

~~~

When I walked into homeroom on Monday, all the kids were talking about what happened at Alley's place over the weekend, and people were giving their version of the story to the kids who weren't there. Some kids started asking me about it, and I told them to fuck off. It was disgusting. I always hated those people who never went anywhere on the weekends but were always interested in finding out what happened at some party or other. And I hated the kids who had to tell everyone about what went down. It was like they thought, since they were there, it made them important or something. The story would always get all twisted around, anyway. I'd hear some freshman girls talking about whatever it was, and they'd have the details all wrong. I'd wanna go up to them and say, "You don't even know what you're talking about. Why don't you get your own life, you little twats, and mind your own business?" Mostly, I wasn't talking about it because I knew it would make me angry.

As I went from class to class, I saw those boys who beat up Bobby, and I watched to see how they behaved. I wanted to see if they felt any shame for what they did. But they were acting like they were proud of themselves and walking around real cocky with big smiles on their faces, like they were some kind of thugs. Then I saw Calvin and K.P. out in the hallway carrying on with Trent, cracking up and talking loud, as if whatever they were laughing at was the funniest thing in the world. I thought to myself, _You guys don't even know or care that your friend is a psychopathic goon, a creep who likes to hit girls, a could-be murderer._ And this goon, Trent, was walking around the school acting like it was no big deal, as if Bobby got what he deserved for being a freak.

By lunchtime, I was so pissed and disgusted that when I saw Russ and Kyle in the hallway, I couldn't help saying something to them. They were standing by the snack machines hassling junior high girls, looking all giddy and stupid. That's what kind of social retards they were. They didn't know how to flirt with high school girls, so they were always talking to seventh and eighth graders. I walked up, got right in their faces, and said, "I'm never gonna forget what you guys did. You hear me! And I hope you both get your asses beaten someday, and I hope I'm there to see it." Right away, they tried to tell me they weren't hitting Bobby, and I said, "Bullshit! I was there, and I saw you guys. I thought Makayla was your friend. Is that how you treat a friend?" They couldn't even answer me. Kyle was staring at me like that was the only thing he could think of doing, the fucking moron. And Russ, he just looked at the floor. I said, "You guys are creeps, that's what you are." Then I leaned in real close to them and said, "And you guys can't even get any pussy. That's why you're always hitting on junior high girls...Perverts!" Then I walked away. It felt good to talk to them like that, but right afterwards, I felt just as bad as before.

I was never good at being mean to people, even when they deserved it. I always left that to the other kids who seemed to enjoy it more—people like Sidney Bouchard. She was real good at taking any little fault or imperfection someone had and turning it into the worst thing ever. And once she found a weakness, she'd never stop riding that person about it. She'd make up names for the person and keep rippin' on them, whether they were present or not, long after it wasn't funny anymore. But I couldn't count on Sidney to join this fight. She could care less about Makayla's boyfriend. She was friends with Russ, and Kyle, and Trent, and the rest of them, and wasn't going to hold it against them for something they did at a party. No one was. It didn't matter how many times I vowed to myself that I'd never forgive those guys, never give them a break, or even a smile, or that I would never socialize with them again. I knew it wouldn't change anything. And on Tuesday, after Lori told me about what happened in their history class, it seemed like it was a waste of energy to even get upset over what happened to Bobby.

Lori said it was Sarah Rhodes who started it. Lori heard Sarah talking to Trent and Andy, saying, "I cannot believe you guys would do something like that. What could he have possibly done to you to deserve being beat up by a whole roomful of guys?" Now, you gotta know Sarah. She was so smart and thoughtful compared to everyone else in our school that people treated her differently. Lori said that Trent and Andy were ignoring her, like they didn't even know how to answer, but Sarah wasn't letting up. She was asking, "Why would you do that? Did it make you feel strong?"

Then Chelsea, who was sitting behind Sarah, said, "Yeah, it makes them feel strong. Because they're a bunch of sissies, and they can't feel like a real man unless they're beating down some skinny kid with ten of their friends." And that's how it started. After that, I guess it was just a lot of yelling and screaming. Lori said that she and Chelsea were both out of their desks leaning over the guys and chewing them out and that the guys were yelling back, calling them a bunch of names. She said Trent was turning red with anger, looking like he was about to snap. He told Chelsea, "Get your tits out of my face or I'm gonna whack you," and that's when Mrs. Marino ran to the door screaming for help. Mr. Moss and Kearns and some other teachers came running into the room, and eventually, Tammy showed up.

Tammy told Lori and Chelsea to go to her office to cool off. When Tammy got back to her office, she wanted them to explain to her what was going on, so they told her. Lori said that Tammy had already heard about the fight, and she wasn't interested in hearing any details like she usually was. All Tammy said was, "I don't care about some fight that happened when you were all out getting drunk. I'm trying to run a school here. Whatever happens outside of school, stays outside of school. Don't bring it in here. You got that?"

Seemed like the only people who were outraged by what happened to Bobby were me, Lori, and Chelsea, and the other girls who were there at the party trying to break it up. Hope didn't even seem too upset about it. We talked about it one night on the phone, and her attitude really rubbed me the wrong way. I thought she'd at least be angry, but she wasn't, not at all. She felt sorry for Makayla because Makayla was her friend, but she seemed to feel nothing towards those guys. I told her that if she'd been there and saw what they did, she'd hate those motherfuckers. What she said back to me made it sound like she was annoyed we were even talking about it.

She said, "That's just how guys are. Bobby should've never gone to the party, anyway, when he knew there were gonna be people there who'd been talking shit about him, saying he was gay."

I said, "First, I don't think he knew those guys were saying that, and Hope, all guys aren't like that. That's my point, it's these creeps..."

She said, "Well, yeah, that's why I don't go to parties where there are gonna be creeps. And so many of those guys are." But she didn't get mad, not where you could hear it in her voice, and it got me so frustrated I wanted to throw the phone across the room and hang up on her. Then, all of a sudden, it was like a switch had been thrown, and I saw Hope differently. I began wondering to myself, _Do I even want to be friends with her?_ It was crazy because Hope was one of my best friends, but suddenly, I felt like I didn't like her anymore.

~~~

Makayla didn't come back to school until Thursday. Everyone stared when she walked down the hallway before homeroom and went to her locker. She looked as if she was about to cry. I went up to her and said hi, and asked her how she was doing and how was Bobby. She answered my questions, each one with a whisper, and that's all she said. She didn't want to talk to anyone—I could see that—and she didn't for the next couple of days. She wouldn't even look at people, wouldn't go near them as if she was afraid they might say something to her. She just walked around school with this glazed look over her eyes like she was in some sort of trance.

On the day she came back, she walked into Algebra 2 with her books held tight to her chest, staring at the floor. She moved slowly towards the back of the room like she was being pulled along by an invisible leash and took a seat next to me and Hope. Then she sat there motionless, looking down at the table in front of her, probably asking herself why she was even there at all. It seemed like everyone in the room could feel her presence, but they were all trying to behave as if nothing out of the ordinary was happening. Trent, Kyle, and Russ, and some other guys who helped beat up Bobby were in there smiling and acting like everything was cool. It almost seemed like they started goofing around more when Makayla came in. I watched them for a while as they made faces at each other and smirked and giggled. Then I looked over at Lori and Chelsea and saw that they were watching those guys, too, scowling at them. I remember thinking to myself, _So this is how it's gonna be. We're just going to carry on like nothing happened_ —and I felt ashamed. I caught Lori's eye, and she looked at me and just shook her head.

# Chapter 13

It was lunchtime on a Monday, and Kearns's room was packed with kids. Hope and I were listening to Eric Cole tell us about Bobby. He said Bobby had constant headaches and was still feeling dizzy even though it'd been over two weeks since he got beat up.

I said, "Man, he needs to go get himself checked out."

Eric said, "I know. That's what I told him. They wanted to do an MRI or CAT scan on him, but Bobby wanted to go home."

"He could have something really wrong with him, and he doesn't even know it."

"Dude, he's got a broken occipital bone! It could have gone into his brain. I've been telling him that's nothing you wanna fuck around with, but he hasn't even gone back to the doctor since it happened."

"What's he doing?" I asked.

"Nothin'. Just laying around drinking Campbell's soup through a straw. He got fired from his job because he wouldn't bring them a doctor's note, but he ain't gonna be able to work for a while, anyway. I don't get it. I mean, he was already at the hospital. Why didn't he get that shit checked out? When I went back in the morning, he said they were gonna take him and do some tests. I said, 'That's fine, I got nowhere to go.' Then he comes walking out and he's like 'Let's go. Let's get the fuck out of here.' I guess he was worried the police were gonna come back or something."

"What did he tell them?"

"Not much. He told them he fell off a porch. Of course, they didn't believe him. Then they came out and started asking me and Chelsea, and we were like, 'Man, he called us and said he was hurt. We went over and picked him up and brought him here. That's all we know.'"

I said, "Man, those boys are lucky they're not in jail right now. Imagine if he had died...they'd all be murderers."

Eric nodded his head. "I know."

We sat there for a moment thinking about this. Then I heard Hope clear her throat and say, "I wonder if Corena would get in trouble," real quietly, like she was talking to herself.

I didn't understand what she meant, so I asked, "How's that? Corena wasn't even there."

She stared at me for a moment, hesitating. Then she said, "Well...Corena was the one who told Keenan to beat up Bobby."

"What do you mean Corena told Keenan?"

She hesitated again with this blank look on her face like she was thinking about what to say. She said, "Well, on that Friday when Alley had her party, Corena and I were sitting in her mom's office, and Corena was talking to Keenan on the phone."

I said, "Corena still talks to Keenan?"

"I think he called to talk to Tammy because he wants to come back to school...But Corena was talking to him, and Keenan told her about the party at Alley's. Corena asked me if I was going, and I told her no, and she was like, 'Well, I'm not going because there are gonna be too many stupid people there.' Then she said, 'Hey Keenan, if Makayla's there with her freak boyfriend, why don't you do me a favor and beat his ass.' She said, 'I'm serious. I hate that faggot, and I'm still mad at him for what he said to me that one time.'"

Eric and I must've been thinking the same thing, or at least, it seemed like we were. We were both just staring at Hope wondering, _What the hell?_ She must have known it, too, because she looked down at the table and acted like she was thinking about something.

I cried, "Hope...Why are you just telling us this now?"

She said, "I forgot about it. I just thought of it now."

"Bullshit!" I yelled, "How could you forget something like that?"

"I don't know," she said in a pathetic voice.

"I mean, don't you think that's something we would wanna know?"

Eric said, "Man, that's fucked up."

I could see it in my mind, Corena saying something like that. Corena never gave much thought to anything that came out of her mouth. She didn't have to. No one ever corrected her, no kids ever did, so she'd just say things, whatever she was feeling or whatever popped into her head. I could totally see her saying that, and I bet, at the time, she meant it. It took me a while to get really mad, about a minute, actually. Then suddenly, it was as if all of the anger and resentment I'd been holding for Corena for so long and everything I'd been trying to set aside for the last month and ignore— _everything_ —all the bad feelings and all the times I gave her a pass for something she did going back the last two years, since I first knew her, came rushing back into my mind, and I felt a tremendous urge to confront her.

I stood up, feeling fierce as hell with adrenaline running through my chest and arms and said, "I think I'm gonna go talk to Corena."

Hope got a panicked look on her face and said, "Macy. No! She'll know I told you."

I yelled, "Who cares, Hope! Just look at what she did!"

She said, "Don't, Macy. I don't wanna get involved in this." But it was already too late because we saw Latisha get up and go running out of the room. I didn't even know she was in there, she'd been so quiet. I was sure she'd heard what we were talking about, and we all knew where she was going.

I sat back down and glared at Hope. I thought about how Corena had opened her big mouth and broke up me and Calvin. Then she opened it again and had Makayla's boyfriend beat to a pulp. Even if she didn't mean for Bobby to end up the way he did, it wasn't fair. Fuck being fair; it was wrong. I started thinking about how Corena would run her mouth and behave however she wanted and nobody ever called her on it. That's what really got me pissed off because I knew what everyone would say—Oh, that's just how Corena is—as if we were supposed to just sit around and watch while she fucks shit up for everyone. I could see it already, how it was gonna go down. No one was gonna do anything, and thinking about it was making my blood boil.

I said, "That bitch needs her ass whooped."

Hope said, "Yeah, that's gonna help. Maybe we should stomp her like they did Bobby."

I said, "Yeah, bitch! Stomp her ass!" banging my fist on the table. Then I started wishing I hadn't said it so loud. Some kids around us had caught on to what was happening, and I knew what they were thinking. I could see it on their faces. They were all waiting for a good fight, waiting for Macy to go off. I thought to myself, _Fuck those kids,_ but at the same time, the idea of going off on Corena seemed more and more like the right thing to do.

I heard Eric saying, "It doesn't matter what Corena said. Keenan and Trent and those guys are the ones who did it. Shit, Corena says all kinds of stupid stuff nobody listens to."

But people do listen. We had to hear it all the time. I got this picture in my mind of Corena, pissed off about something, her red face twitching back and forth as she rattled out some mean-spirited bullshit. It was always the same—Corena dominating a room full of kids, trying to sound tough and spewing out hatred, and everyone wanting to tell her to go fuck herself but no one doing it.

I felt my mind going hard and cold. I felt my chest heaving up and down as I breathed and my palms getting sweaty. Inside me, I could feel this chaotic anger swelling up—this uncontrollable rage that, whenever it got loose, always led to disaster. I kind of clamped down on myself and started weighing things in my mind. I tried to recall resolutions I'd made about dealing with Corena and not getting into anymore fights at school, but they seemed meaningless compared with how I was feeling right then. Because it wasn't just me wanting to fight Corena. It was all those kids wanting me to, hoping I would. And it seemed to me if there was ever a time someone needed to stand up to Corena, it was then. I knew no one else would.

And I knew why. Because mixed in with this incredible anger that I felt towards Corena was a severe sense of dread. It was a fear of disaster where just the thought of doing something against Corena causes you to feel weak and vulnerable. I wasn't scared of getting suspended or kicked out of school. What I feared was the unknown devastation that I was sure would come thundering down if I incited the wrath of Corena or Tammy. Because, you see...no one ever opposed them, _ever_. It was something you just didn't do. But I felt like somebody needed to do something—somebody needed to have the guts. Hope was right. Me fighting Corena wouldn't change anything, but right then, I felt like I was gonna be ashamed of myself if I didn't.

Hope looked worried and sat there working her lips together like she was cleaning her teeth with her tongue. Then we heard it, Corena screaming at the other end of the hall. She was storming mad and coming our way. We all looked at each other as her voice came closer, and people were exchanging nervous glances, waiting for her to come barreling through the door. I wanted to attack her. I wanted to run out the door, meet her in the hall and start swinging, and do to her what those boys did to Bobby...and keep doing it until someone stopped me. But for some reason, I couldn't get my body to move.

Corena stormed into the room and charged right towards us, her mouth going full blast. For a moment, it looked like I wasn't gonna have a choice about fighting her. She stopped, pointed a finger at me, and said, "First, Macy, if you gotta problem with me, we can go outside and take care of it, right now!" Then, without even taking a breath, she had her hands on the table, was leaning across it with her face right in front of Hope's, saying, "So I hear you've been talking about me and telling a bunch of LIES."

"It's not a lie," mumbled Hope. Her face was flinching like she thought she was gonna get hit. I thought she was gonna get hit, and I was sliding my chair away from the table so I'd be ready to tackle Corena.

"It's a lie!" yelled Corena. She stood up straight, looked around the room, and said, "And don't none of you listen to her. She's a lying little bitch who likes to talk behind people's back." She leaned across the table at Hope again and said, "I let you be my friend, and you do this? You make up stories about me? You tell _lies_ about me?" Corena stared painfully at Hope while Hope tried as best she could to return a cold stare. "You act like you're so innocent and everyone should feel sorry for you. Well, I'll give you something to feel sorry about...Is that what you want?...Huh?...You wanna feel sorry about something?"

I thought for sure there was gonna be fighting now. Corena leaned even closer to Hope, and I could see Hope's lips starting to quiver. I was about to jump in and tell Corena to back off, but now I was stopped by something else—it was Corena's face. It had gotten all soft. Her eyelids started to close, and her lips began to form themselves into the craziest, sickest smile I've ever seen. She looked like she was about to open her mouth and stick her tongue down Hope's throat.

Then, in a real quiet voice, Corena said, "I know things about you that you don't even know, Hope...Things that you don't even know about yourself..." She paused for a moment to let this sink in and said, "I do...Like you being adopted." Then she let out a little laugh and said, "I bet you didn't know you were adopted, did you?...What do you think about that?" She stood up again looking real self-satisfied, and her smile had changed to just plain nasty.

I said, "Shut up, Corena. That's so stupid."

She said, "Oh, yeah, well it's true. Your parents didn't even want you, Hope, so they put you up for adoption. That's how special you are."

Hope was staring at Corena with a look of fear and confusion on her face.

I said, "How the fuck would you know that? Ignore her, Hope."

Corena said, "Ohhh, but I do know..." She leaned over the table again at Hope and said, "I read your IEP, your Individual Education Program, and it says right on there that You—Were—Adopted—Ha!" She stood up looking all surly and said, "So why don't you think about that for a while, you little bitch." Then she turned and marched out of the room, almost knocking over Mr. Moss who was coming to the door.

Mr. Moss stood in the doorway, looked at us, and said, "Is there a problem here?" and we all just ignored him. Hope looked scared. Her eyes were crossed like she was trying to fathom something. I thought, for sure, she was going to run out of the room and head for the bathroom.

I said, "Don't listen to her, Hope. That's the craziest fucking shit I've ever heard."

"Watch your mouth, Macy," said Mr. Moss, who was still standing in the doorway.

Hope's perfect skin was turning an ashy shade of green. She said, "I don't know."

I said, "Hope! You're not adopted. She's being stupid."

"But it says that kind of stuff on an IEP."

"It's not gonna say you were adopted."

"But it would. It says everything, like when your parents were divorced, where you went to pre-school, how many brothers and sisters you have. I heard them read it once."

I asked, "But why would it say all that stuff?"

Eric said sarcastically, "So the special ed teachers can figure out what your problems are."

I said, "She's just trying to make you upset, Hope. If you were adopted, your mom would've told you." But as I said it, I got this picture of Hope's mom in my mind, the way I always saw her—tight faded jeans, stretched out t-shirt, her dry skin, her bangs and dry sandy hair, a cigarette hanging from her mouth. I could hear her voice and the way she pronounced Hope's name, how it always came out Hoooope. The way she said Hope's name, it always sounded twice as long as it needed to be and so sad and depressed...And all of a sudden I felt like I was gonna cry.

I heard a far off voice. It was Mr. Moss saying, "Hope, why don't you come with me."

And that's when I snapped. I jumped up out of my chair and said, "I think I'm gonna go beat that bitch's ass."

Mr. Moss said, "Settle down, Macy."

I started walking towards the doorway and could feel tears starting to run down my cheeks. I looked right at Mr. Moss and said, "Screw you. You guys are running a bunk-ass school here. Now get the hell outa my way!" I tried to push past Mr. Moss, but he pushed me back into the room.

He yelled, "Settle down, Macy!"

I screamed at him hysterically, "Forget you, man. I'm tired of that bitch thinking she can get away with this crap." And now I really was crying.

I tried to push past him again, but this time, he stepped back into the hall and put his arm on the lockers to block me. He pointed towards the junior high classrooms and said, "Go to my room, Macy."

I stood there in the doorway for a second. I glanced down the hallway in the direction Corena had gone and thought about making a dash for it.

He said, "I'll restrain you if I have to, Macy, because you're trying to start a fight. Now go to my room... _Now!_ "

I looked back at Hope. She was still sitting there, not even paying attention to me. She had her head turned to the side, looking at the floor. I started to walk back into the room, but Mr. Moss grabbed my arm and said, "No, let's go. We're going to my room," and started pulling me down the hall towards his classroom.

I felt panic running through me as I thought of Hope, sitting in Kearns's classroom, looking the way she did. I wanted to be with her...to be there for her. I took deep breaths and tried to calm myself down. When we were almost to Mr. Moss's room, I said, "I'm sorry, Mr. Moss. Can I go talk to Hope?"

He said, "No. We'll take care of Hope. I want you to sit in here and get yourself settled down."

I hesitated at the door.

Mr. Moss said, "Go sit," and pointed to the back corner of his classroom where he had a special desk for kids who were in trouble. I slowly walked between the rows and slumped into the desk. When he saw I was sitting down, he told me to stay there, and left. A bunch of seventh graders were in the room eating their lunch, and they started asking me what I did. I ignored them, put my head down on the desk, and closed my eyes.

_What the hell is going on,_ I thought? _What if Corena's right? It just didn't seem possible. But why did Mr. Moss want Hope to go with him? What was that about? And why wouldn't Hope's mom have told her?_ As the questions raced through my head, one after another, I felt high, like when you're high and you don't wanna be—like last year when I'd come back from lunch after smoking weed with Calvin, and I'd go to Mrs. Garrison's class and get all nervous and panicky. That's how I felt right then, nervous and panicky, because I had so many questions and no answers. I kept asking myself, "Why would Corena say that about Hope being adopted?" I knew she was mad at Hope, but why would she say _that_ —the same thing Hope read on a table not even a month ago? Why didn't she just hit Hope, like she'd normally do?

As I sat there with my head on the desk, feeling my heart beating fast, there was one thought that disturbed me the most. It was that Corena didn't make things up about people. Oh, she'll lie right to your face about anything if it's convenient for her, but she didn't make up lies about people. She didn't have to because she wasn't scared of anyone—she wasn't scared to tell you the truth.

At the end of the day, when Mr. Moss let his kids go, he told me to stay behind so he could talk to me. He said he was suspending me for a day for cussing at him and that he'd already called my mom. He said he would've liked to have suspended me for more days, but suspensions didn't seem to have any effect when it came to me controlling my mouth. He also said I'd racked up so many suspensions that year that if I got any more, they were gonna have to call an expulsion hearing, and he didn't want to see that happen. Then he started lecturing me on having self-control and respect for adults, saying all kinds of things I'd heard him say before. I tried to appear interested, but all I could think about was Hope.

When he finally let me go, I went running down the hall looking for her, but some kids told me she'd already gone home. I went to my locker, got my phone and tried calling her, but there was no answer—and Hope always answered her phone. So I sent her a text, then grabbed my jacket and some books I needed, and started walking out of school. As I passed by Tammy's office, I glanced in to see if Corena was there, but the room was empty. Out in the parking lot, I remembered that Lori and Chelsea hadn't even come to school that day. I didn't see anyone else who could give me a ride, so I stood there chewing my fingernails and hitting Hope's number on my speed dial while I waited for my mom to pick me up.

When I got in the car with my mom, she wanted me to explain to her why I got suspended, and this time, I told her everything, the whole story, starting with me, Eric, and Hope sitting in Kearns's room. It was weird. She seemed distracted. After I told her what happened, she didn't ask any questions like she usually does. She just said, "Something funny's going on at that school," and shook her head. And she didn't say anything the rest of the way home, but just drove the car, looking real thoughtful. Then, when we were about to go into the house, she said, "It seems like that Corena is a real mean girl."

I couldn't figure it out, why my mom was being so quiet. Usually, she's real interested in any kind of high school drama, but she didn't ask any more about it after we got home or during dinner. I was so anxious about Hope, I felt like I needed to talk to somebody. So after dinner, when my mom was bent over the sink washing dishes, I asked her, "Mom, do you think Hope's adopted?"

She said, "Honey, I have no idea." She sounded irritated by the question, so I let it drop. But as I started to walk away, she said, "Oh, Macy, when I talked to Mr. Moss today, he said he thinks you have anger problems and that you should see someone, which is the same thing I've been saying for months. So I'm gonna talk to my sister and see if she knows anybody." Now, usually something like this would have led to big argument, but I didn't say anything. I stood there waiting for her to say more, but she didn't. She just wiped her hands on a towel, walked into the living room, and turned on the TV.

That evening, I spent about three hours on the front porch smoking cigarettes, freezing my ass off, and talking on the phone. I tried calling Hope on her cell and home phone, but nobody picked up. She wouldn't even answer my texts. It just made me more worried because, after what happened at school that day, Hope should've called—any other time she would've. I called Lori and then Chelsea and told them what happened. They weren't surprised that Corena told Keenan to beat up Bobby, and they both had the same questions I had—Why did Hope wait so long to tell us about it? And what made her decide to tell us, now? They asked me if I thought it was true about Hope being adopted, and I said I didn't know. All I could tell them was what went down in Kearns's room that day. When I finally went to bed, I felt frustrated and anxious. And wouldn't you know it, I had insomnia, which I hate more than anything.

~~~

The next day, Lori came by at lunchtime and told me Hope wasn't in school. We called Hope's house and cell phone, and still no answer. Then, at about 2:30, right when school lets out, Lori called. She was practically screaming into the phone.

She said, "Macy, you're not gonna believe what just happened at school...Hope's mom came in to talk to Tammy, and they almost got in a fight."

"No way!"

"Yeah, and maaaannn, Hope's mom was _pissed!_ Kearns and Mr. Moss had to hold her back. You know why? Get this. Hope really _was_ adopted."

"NO WAY!"

"It's true! Corena wasn't lying. Man, the school was going crazy this afternoon. Can you believe that? Hope was adopted, and she didn't even know it."

"Oh, my god!"

"And boy, was her mom pissed. You could hear her yelling all the way down in Kearns's room. When Kearns went to see what was going on, we all followed him out there and saw the whole thing. She wouldn't leave the building. She just kept yelling at Tammy, and the police had to come."

"Are you sure that's what it was about? I mean, are you sure she's adopted?"

"Macy, we heard Tammy say it. She was yelling at Mrs. Swanson, saying, 'You didn't even tell your daughter who she was. You didn't even tell her where she came from.' And Ms. Swanson was like, 'It's none of your fucking business.' Then Tammy said, 'You can't even do your job as a parent, you piece of trash.' And you know how Tammy is. She never backs down to anyone."

I said, "God, I wonder what Hope's thinking right now."

"I know, man. I can't believe her mom didn't tell her. It's spooky just thinking about it."

I was thinking about Hope and picturing her in my mind, trying to imagine what she was going through, and it seemed terrible. I pictured her sitting on a bed...It was weird...It wasn't her bed, just a bed in a dark room. She looked weak and frail and was staring down at the floor, quietly crying. I felt so sorry for her. I pictured her all alone, and it made me wanna go find her and throw my arms around her.

Lori said, "Man, I hope she doesn't try to kill herself."

"Jesus, Lori, why would you say something like that?"

"I don't know. But you know how Hope is. I'm just thinking about my cousin."

"Yeah, well Hope's not like that. She's not that fucking crazy," I said in a real sharp voice.

"I'm just saying that Hope's already a depressed person, and this has gotta be the worst thing that ever happened to her."

"Will you just quit talking about it," I yelled. "She's not gonna kill herself." I felt awful. I didn't want to be snapping on Lori, but she had a way of not paying attention to people's feelings. It was one of those conversations I didn't want to have on the phone because I was getting so emotional. I think if Lori and I had been in the same room, we might have both been crying.

I said, "I gotta call Hope. I'll talk to you later."

She said, "You're gonna call her?" like it was a bad idea, even though she knew I'd been trying to call Hope all day.

I said, "Well, yeah, she's my friend, isn't she? And I bet nobody else is gonna call her."

I hung up with Lori and my phone immediately rang. It was Chelsea. I talked to her for a minute, then tried to call Hope on her cell phone, but still no answer. I started to dial her home phone number, and then I stopped. Maybe I was thinking about what Lori had said. I knew Hope had caller ID. I'd been calling her house all day and even left her a message. I thought, _Well, if Hope doesn't want to talk to me, I don't want to seem like I'm trying to butt in where I don't belong—but God I wished she'd call._

My phone didn't stop ringing for the rest of the evening. Everyone was calling wanting to talk about Hope, and Corena, and Hope's mom coming into school, and what went down the day before in Kearns's room. Seemed like the same questions kept coming up, over and over: Why'd Corena tell Keenan to beat up Bobby? How did she know that Hope was adopted? Why did Hope's mom keep it a secret from her? After four hours on the phone, I was exhausted from thinking about it. It felt so heavy and unreal. And the more I thought about it, the more I started wishing I could erase the last 30 hours and go back to where we were sitting in Kearns's room, to the point when Corena came in. I was wishing I would've charged Corena the moment she walked through the door, clobbered her, banged her head against the wall and gotten myself expelled— _anything,_ so that she wouldn't have told Hope what she did. I thought maybe if things had gone a little differently, if I'd spoken up and tried to stop Corena from yelling at Hope, then she might've never told Hope she was adopted.

I couldn't imagine having that kind of power over somebody where, by uttering just a couple of sentences, you could change how the person looks at themself for the rest of their life. It was terrible thinking about it...what Corena had done. It didn't seem right that someone should have that kind of power over somebody else. It certainly shouldn't have been Corena. I mean, she's just another high school student—she's like, 17. Who was she to make that kind of a decision? And the worst part was, she didn't even give Hope a choice—she just threw it at her. I know it sounds stupid, but whenever I think about it, it reminds me of that movie _The Matrix_ because that's how big of a thing Hope had shoved on her as far as changes go. But you see, in _The Matrix,_ Neo was at least given a choice. He could take the blue pill, or he could take the red pill, but if he took the red pill, he could never go back. Hope could never go back, and she would never look at her mom the same way again. I just couldn't imagine...that person who's been tucking you in bed every night, that person you thought you were born out of, and then to find out you weren't...What would that be like? What would it be like to, all of a sudden, discover you don't know who your mother and father are? That night, when I went to bed, I couldn't stop thinking about Hope, and I cried a little before I went to sleep.

# Chapter 14

Homeroom always seemed so bright—fluorescent lights, three white, smudged walls, a white ceiling, and white floor. Even the dark blue paint that covered the fourth wall seemed super-reflective. And all those wide-awake kids, the ones who've already been up for two hours and are so excited to be at school—they always got on my nerves when I first walked into homeroom. If they weren't busy running around the room, they'd be yapping, making all kinds of noise, and acting childish. Whenever I got there, I just wanted to relax and gather my thoughts, or maybe get a little more sleep before class started. Instead, I always found myself having to listen to whatever bullshit they were trippin' on. The day after my suspension, kids were already talking about Hope's mom coming to school the day before. And as soon as Sierra Brand saw me, she came running over and said, "I heard you were in the room the other day when Corena told Hope."

"I was."

She asked, "Are you gonna fight Corena?" My body started to tense up, and I could feel evil words forming in my throat. I looked at her standing there with her big, bright eyes and excited face. I could tell she wasn't thinking at all about the fact that only a month earlier I'd tried to kick her ass. And why? Why did I want to beat her up? It was basically for the same type of questioning about what I'd done or what I was gonna do. I just didn't think this bitch should be sticking her nose in my business for whatever reason. We weren't friends. I didn't even like her, but she didn't seem to understand this no how. You could tell just by the way she stood there waiting for me to answer, she was fucking clueless.

I looked at her like I didn't understand her question and said, "No?...Why would I wanna fight Corena?"

She said, "Well, someone said you were gonna."

I shook my head, furrowed my brow, and said, "No, I wasn't planning on it." Then I asked, "How about you? Are you gonna fight Corena?"

She was surprised by my question. She smiled a little and got this embarrassed look about her, like I was putting her on, and said, "No?"

I said, "No? Why not? Why don't you kick her ass?" I watched confusion spread across her face. She tried to say something, and her lips started to move. Then she started backing away from me. I looked around the room at the other kids and asked, "Why should I fight Corena? When did she become my problem? Why's it always gotta be me, huh? Why don't one of you go kick her ass?"

Nobody said anything. They were all looking at me like they thought I was gonna snap. Then I heard someone say, "We're all too scared." It was Karl Knott. He was sitting at the back of the room, scrunched down in that big, dirty coat of his, wearing a goofy smile.

I said, "That's right. You're all too scared."

I picked up my purse and was about to leave the room when Chelsea and Lori came in. First thing they wanted to know was whether I'd talked to Hope. I told them no, and we started wondering to each other about what she must be going through. They told me again about what happened the day before with Hope's mom, and we talked about her for a while. Then Ms. Strauss came in hauling this milk crate stuffed with books and papers that she was always carrying around. She said, "Good morning, everyone," but when her eyes landed on me, I swear I saw her jump, like she was scared of me or something. I thought to myself, _That's odd. Why would she be scared of me? I've never threatened her or any teachers._ Then I started getting that feeling again—the feeling that people have been talking about me behind my back.

By second period, I could tell that Tammy and Corena weren't gonna be coming to school that day. It didn't surprise me. That's what they'd always do after they created a big mess—hide out at home, wait for everyone to forget about whatever it was they'd done. I was relieved they weren't there because if they had been, it would've been super-tense.

Seemed like the only thing kids could talk about was Hope being adopted. Didn't matter if they had most the facts muddled because it wasn't so much Hope they were interested in—it was the idea of being adopted and not knowing about it. The thought seemed to captivate and scare them at the same time. Maybe they were all wondering if they were adopted, too, and thinking that if it could happen to Hope, why not them? We'd be in the middle of class and kids would start discussing it, and when I looked around the room, I could tell, even the kids who weren't saying anything were thinking about it. Then the teachers would tell us it's none of our business and that we shouldn't be discussing other student's personal matters, but that didn't stop them. No one was talking about Tammy or Corena or how Corena knew that Hope was adopted. And nobody seemed interested in the fact that Corena had told Keenan to beat up Bobby. It was all about adoption. Everyone seemed fascinated by the idea that they might be adopted and not even know it.

I knew I wasn't adopted, and the only thing I could think about was Hope. I kept picturing her in my head, seeing her all alone and looking terribly sad. I tried to imagine the thoughts that were going through her mind, and the more I tried, the more I realized how much I didn't know about her. All of sudden, she seemed vague and distant, like someone I used to know but not that well. It was as if, by knowing she was adopted, she'd become a different person to me, which didn't make sense. I wanted to be near her. I wanted to hear her voice and talk to her, and throughout the entire day, I felt an anxious urge to make contact with her. I kept telling myself I was concerned and I wanted to make sure she was gonna be all right. That's how I would have explained it at the time, but deep down, I knew it was me needing to see her.

I'd tried calling her at lunch but still got no answer. Then after school, when I saw Garrett in the hallway talking to Andy, I about panicked trying to think of what to do. Garrett hadn't been at school that day, either, but had showed up at 2:30 to do his janitor job. I was panicking because he was the one person who could tell me what I wanted to know. Problem was, Garrett really was an asshole—a real negative, fuck-with-you type of person. He'd be real friendly and arrogant to you one day. Next day, he won't even talk to you. He was always on some kinda power trip, and there was no telling how he was going to use Hope's problem as an opportunity to piss people off. I didn't want to just walk right up and ask him about it because he might not tell me. So instead, I hung out down the hall outside of Kearns's room and acted like I was organizing the homework I was holding.

I could hear Garrett telling Andy about some band he saw on YouTube, and it reminded me of how much I disliked him. He wasn't thinking about Hope. He wasn't worried about anything, was busy thinking about music videos and hate bands and all that other boy crap he was into. As I watched him down the hall, I started imagining all the nasty things I could say to him. I was going over each one and trying to choose the one that would do the most damage, and then I caught myself and went back to concentrating on finding out about Hope. I decided I'd act like I didn't know anything about Hope's situation, then maybe he'd wanna tell me.

He came down the hall towards me looking all self-absorbed and doing this twitch thing with his head to get the hair out of his eyes. When he passed by, he looked at me through his bangs, kinda nodded, and said, "Hey, Macy."

I said, "Hey." Then, as he turned to go into Kearns's room, I said, "Oh, hey, Garrett, I've been trying to get in touch with Hope the last couple days. Have you talked to her?"

He stopped and looked over his shoulder at me with his face kinda scrunched up and one eye closed. He said, "Yeahhhhh...well, I can tell you she probably doesn't want to talk to you right now."

As soon as he said that, I forgot my whole plan and blurted out, "How's she doing? Have you seen her?"

Still not turned all the way around, he said, "I've seen her, but I couldn't tell you how she's doing," shaking his head.

"Whaddya mean?"

He put his hand up on a locker and leaned over in a tired, irritated way and said, "Well, I was over there last night and she and her mom just kept yelling at each other. Then they both started crying, then they started yelling again. I had to get out of there. I couldn't deal with it."

"So she really is adopted?"

He said, "Yeah, that's what her mom says, but I don't see what the big deal is. It's not like it's gonna change anything." Then, he stood up straight and strutted into Kearns's room.

Garrett was a fucking retard, and I don't care how smart everyone said he was. He just didn't have any feelings, even at a time like that. I mean, if he'd taken a moment, like everybody else in the school had done, and considered what it might be like to find out you were adopted, then he would see how it was gonna change some things. That's why I hated that fucker because he had to have considered it. I watched through the doorway as Garrett started hassling this other janitor Jason—who was a real retard with real feelings and the guy who all the other janitors picked on.

After talking to Garrett, I felt like I really needed to go see Hope. I ran out to the parking lot and found Lori and talked her into driving me to Hope's house. Lori was totally against the idea of us going over there. She kept asking me, "What are you gonna say?"

I told her, "I don't know what I'm gonna say. What the fuck does it matter?"

She said, "Well, I'm not bothering her. I'm telling you, Macy, she's probably too much of a mess to want to talk to us."

I said, "She'll appreciate it, Lori, that we care."

When we got there, Lori said she wanted to wait in the car. I got out and walked down the sidewalk and went through the gate into Hope's yard. Hope must have seen us pull up because as soon as I went through the gate, she came out the front door and started walking down the steps. Her hair was down and kind of hanging around her face, but when she got to the bottom of the steps and looked up, her face was shining and beautiful. She looked almost happy.

I said, "Hey, girl, how you doing?"

She said, "Good, I guess."

"Yeah? We were worried about you."

Her eyes went to the ground. She pressed her lips tight together and started moving them around like she was thinking about something. Then she looked down the street, sort of squinting, and said, "You know that thing Corena said to me the other day? Well, it's true."

"I know. I'm so sorry, Hope."

She said, "It's all right," in a weak voice that sounded like it was about to crack. "It explains everything, like why my mom doesn't love me and why we're so different."

"Oh, Hope, she loves you."

She looked right at me and said, "Then why didn't she tell me? Why would she go this long without telling me?"

"I don't know...but she loves you, Hope. I know she does."

She said, "I'm so mad at her...and I haven't even talked to my dad about it." Then she started to cry. I put my arms around her and hugged her, but she didn't hug back. She felt cold and stiff. She said, "He's coming over tonight to talk."

I said, "That's good, Hope. He cares about you." I let go of her because it felt weird to hug someone who wasn't hugging back.

"It's gonna suck," she said. "That's just what I want to do is sit there and talk to those two liars...and listen to them make excuses for not telling me."

I looked past Hope and saw her mom standing at the front door. When we made eye contact, she opened the screen door and asked, "You all right, Hope?" Hope stood there with her back to her mom, not saying anything. Then her mom said, "Hi, Macy. Thanks for coming by." I didn't wanna act friendly towards her, but I couldn't help myself, so I gave her a fake smile, which felt really awkward.

She looked helpless standing up there, like she wanted to do something or say something but she didn't know what. I wanted to be mad at her, but I couldn't. And the more she stood there, holding the door open and looking down at us, the more pathetic she looked. It made me feel so bad for Hope, seeing her mom looking that way, and I felt my eyes starting to tear up. I felt bad for Hope's mom, too, because I knew her, and she seemed like a good person—like someone who tried. In fact, that's what made the whole thing so sad. She seemed like a person who'd tried so hard to get it right and do the right things, but still got it all fucked up. And now, Hope was suffering for it. Hope's mom went back inside, but she left the inside door open, and I imagined she was in there watching us.

When I looked back at Hope, she had tears running down her face. I said, "Let me give you a hug, Hope." She put her arms out and I hugged her, and this time, she hugged me back. I said, "We're all thinking about you, girl." But as we stood there holding each other, I started feeling this tremendous urge to leave and get out of there as fast as I could. Because now I was crying, and as soon as I started to cry, it hit me. I suddenly felt foolish and insignificant. It was as if, through Hope's hug, I could feel the entire weight of what she was going through, and I realized it had nothing to do with me. I understood why Hope didn't call me back, and I felt like an intruder and started wondering why I'd gone over there.

We let go of each other, and just as I was about to say goodbye, she asked, "Is everybody talking about it at school?"

I didn't know how to answer. I didn't want to tell her the truth and say, "Yes, that's all anybody can talk about," because I knew it would bother her. So I said, "Everyone's behind you, Hope." Then I added, "And they all hate Corena, and they miss you and want you to come back."

She said, "My mom wants me to go to another school."

I said, "No, you gotta come back. We need you." I felt stupid saying it. I knew I wouldn't want to come back, and the way I said it, it came out sounding so weak. I searched for something else to say but couldn't think of anything, and I started feeling more anxious than ever. Hope seemed so strong and together, and I felt weak and fragile compared to her. It didn't seem right. Seemed like the only reason she was out there talking to me was for my sake, and I wanted to leave and let her be, but I couldn't figure out a way to excuse myself.

I said, "There's Lori over there. She was scared to get out of the car."

Hope waved at Lori, and Lori waved back. Then Lori got out of her car and came into the yard. She gave Hope a hug and said, "I'm real sorry for you, Hope."

Hope said, "It's okay."

Lori let go of her, stepped back, and said, "So, you finally ready to come out drinking with us? Get all fucked up?" This made Hope laugh. Lori said, "How about Garrett? He could come too and be like our designated driver. We'll put him in charge of the tunes or something." Hope was smiling now, and the feeling inside of me started to go away. Then Lori said, "Hey, listen, I wouldn't worry about who your real parents are. They gotta be better than mine." I wanted to slug Lori when she said that—she was always saying the worst things—but Hope was still smiling, so I let it go. The three of us talked for a few more minutes, then Lori and I left. We told Hope to call us anytime she wanted to talk, but I doubted she would.

# Chapter 15

Hope didn't come to school on Thursday or Friday, and neither did Tammy or Corena. The kids weren't freaking out as much over the idea that they might be adopted—they must have all gone home and checked with their parents. But now, the story was being told of how Corena had found out Hope was adopted from reading Hope's IEP, and this is what the kids were all talking about. Nobody knew whether Tammy let Corena see Hope's IEP, or if Corena just went into the office and read it. Either way, everyone seemed to hold Tammy responsible. You'd hear kids whispering about it in the back of class and discussing it at lunchtime. And a feeling started going around that, this time, Tammy had really fucked up.

You see, we were used to Tammy going totally over the top and doing things other school administrators would never dream of. No matter what it was, she always got away with it, even when parents went and complained to the school board over at Terrence West. This time, though, it seemed different because it had to do with private information about Hope. People were wondering whether Tammy had broken the law and what kind of trouble she'd get in. We were all secretly hoping she'd get in some kind of trouble. That's what people wanted to see; they wanted to see Tammy held responsible for her deeds.

By now, the story had made its way around that Corena had told Keenan and his friends to jump Bobby. The kids didn't talk as much about this—at least, not out loud where Latisha, or Sidney, or any of Corena's other spies could hear. Corena wasn't at school, but kids were still scared of talking behind her back. They were afraid she'd come after them like she did with Hope. I was talking about it, though.

I brought it up in computer class because Calvin was in there, and I wanted to hear what he'd say. I said Corena did the same thing Charles Manson had done. We found out about him when we were looking up Marilyn Manson on the internet. That's how the band got it's name, you see, from Marilyn Monroe and Charles Manson. So anyway, Charles Manson was this guy who got a bunch of people fucked up on LSD and had them go out and kill some people because he wanted to start a revolution. They even cut a baby out of some lady's stomach after they killed her and wrote stuff on the walls with the blood, which was pretty sick. Now Charles Manson didn't kill anybody himself, but he's still in prison because he was the leader—he told everyone else to do it. I said that's the same thing Corena did, that she was just like Charles Manson. And boy, when I said that, you could see people getting scared.

Calvin said, "You don't know she did that."

I said, "Hope heard her say it, and she doesn't lie." Calvin didn't look at me or say anything back. He just stared at the computer, and I could tell he knew I was right. Then Trent yelled at me from across the room.

He said, "Why don't you just stay out of things that aren't none of your business?"

I said, "I'm making it my business, chump."

In a flash, Trent jumped out of his chair and turned towards me, his face glowing with wild hate. He pointed a finger at me and sneered, "Well, you need to stay out of it. We had a problem with that dude, and we took care of it, and if you keep it up, you'll get the same..."

"Hey!!" yelled Ms. Strauss, and she yelled it loud. She said, "Sit down, Trent. And Macy, I don't want to hear another word about it...out of either of you." Trent sat down, and I turned back around towards my computer. I was glad Ms. Strauss told us to shut up because I didn't need to get suspended anymore. I was also glad that I said what I did because I wanted people to know where I stood, especially Calvin.

~~~

On Saturday, I called Hope. I couldn't help myself. I just needed to know how she was doing. She sounded really low, maybe the worst I've ever heard her—like someone had died. She said she wasn't as mad at her parents as she was before because they'd gotten together to talk, but now she didn't feel anything towards them. She didn't trust them, didn't feel like she loved them anymore. She didn't even want to be around them. "They don't know what to do," she said. "They keep asking me what they can do to help. How am I suppose to know? God! I can't believe I got adopted by people so dumb." Hope said her mom called a crisis hotline she found in the phone book, and they were gonna go see a family counselor, but she didn't think it was gonna help. I didn't know what to say to her. I was kind of regretting calling her, but I knew she had no one else to talk to. She told me she hadn't talked to Garrett since Wednesday, and she didn't even want him to call because he wasn't showing any kind of support. When I got off the phone, I felt terrible, and I had an icky feeling the rest of the day.

Then on Sunday, my phone rang, and it was Hope. First thing I asked her was, "What's wrong?" She said nothing was wrong and that she just wanted to talk. She sounded like she was in a much better mood. She talked about how angry her mom was at Tammy. Her mom wanted to press charges because Tammy had broken her confidentiality, and she told Hope she was gonna talk to a lawyer. She also wanted Hope to go to another school, which really bothered me. I couldn't imagine Hope going to Terrence West—it was so big, and she hardly knew anyone who went there. But then Hope told me that her dad said she could live with him and go to school in Sherwood if she wanted, and her step-mom was cool with it, too.

Hope didn't know if she wanted to go to another school or not, but she said if her mom was gonna sue Tammy, she didn't think she'd have a choice. She said, if anything, they'd just kick her out, which was true. After I got off the phone with her on Sunday, I was pretty sure she wasn't coming back, and when I went to sleep that night, I laid in bed worrying about it for a long time. I thought about my other friends who'd left Lifegate and gone to other schools. I never saw them anymore unless I ran into them at a party or something. I knew, no matter what Hope and I promised each other about staying in touch, if she went to another school, especially one as far away as Sherwood, it'd be over...being good friends and all.

~~~

But, come Monday, there was Hope sitting in homeroom. I screamed when I saw her and ran over and gave her a big hug. I said, "All right, girl, you came back. This is awesome. So did your mom change her mind?"

She said, "Not really."

"So what happened? Don't tell me you just came to turn in your books or something."

She was sitting there with her backpack and jacket still in her lap, like she just sat down, and on the table in front of her was a big stack of books. She spoke in a real quiet voice. I knew it was because she didn't want the other kids in the room to hear. She said, "No, I told my mom, 'Why should I let this keep me out of school? It wasn't my fault. Why should I fail a bunch of classes just because other people screwed up?'"

I said, "Rock on, girl. Screw those mugs. You gotta do what makes you happy." I sat down next to her and asked, "So how are you feeling? Are you gonna be okay?"

"I'm all right, I guess."

"Are you really?"

She said, "Yeah," and nodded her head. She looked scared.

She sat there quiet for a moment, kind of staring into space. Then she said, "I called Garrett last night."

"Yeah?"

"We broke up..."

"No shit!"

"Yeah. I told him, 'If you can't deal with what I'm going through, then too bad because that's all I'm dealing with right now. You can either support me or get lost.'"

"You told him to get lost?"

She smiled and said, "Well, not exactly. But I guess, after all this happened, I realized I didn't need him after all. I realized that I don't even love him."

"Well good," I said. "You don't need him, Hope. You've got other people who care about you." Then Chelsea and Lori came into the room all excited to see Hope. They asked her how she was doing and told her how much they missed her. This just embarrassed Hope, but she smiled and tried to act gracious. When we left homeroom and went into Current Events, Hope looked nervous, like she thought someone was gonna jump on her at any moment. She didn't talk to anyone else the whole morning.

On the same Monday that Hope came back to school, Corena and Tammy also decided to show up. Nobody saw them come in; we just heard from someone that they'd been seen hanging out in Tammy's office. I can only wonder what Tammy and Corena thought when they found out Hope was at school. I bet they never expected her to come back to Lifegate. I bet they were scared and freaked out...scared to face little ol' Hope Swanson who was just wandering from class to class not saying anything to anyone. It might explain why Corena spent the whole day in her mom's office, not daring to come to class.

During third hour, I went to the office with Mrs. Garrison's attendance. While I was standing at the window waiting for Mrs. Bouchard, I turned around and took a look inside Tammy's office and saw Corena sitting there, staring right at me. It surprised me, and I turned back to the office window right away. But as I thought about it, it seemed like she didn't even recognize me, like she was staring through me, thinking about something. It was kinda disturbing seeing her with that phased out look on her face because Corena was always so alert and on edge. And as I walked back down the hall towards Mrs. Garrison's room, I pictured her snapping out of it and coming after me. I was waiting to hear her voice behind me, saying, "Hey, Macy! I need to talk to you," but it never came.

Tammy also spent the whole day up by the offices, and at lunchtime, she was nowhere to be seen. Most of the time, when Tammy came back to school after being gone for a few days, she'd feel like she needed to reassert herself and let everyone know she was back. She'd turn into Mrs. Business, swooping in and out of classrooms, getting things done and acting real friendly but with no time to talk and all that play. But not this time. Whenever I walked by her office that day, her door was shut, and when I stopped to listen, I couldn't even hear her voice. She was acting like she didn't want anybody to know she was there. What I think is that she was too embarrassed to show her face around school.

And this feeling that Tammy had gotten herself into some deep trouble was stronger than ever. But now, a new vibe was going around. Seemed like those real quiet dork kids who never said anything were, all of a sudden, more relaxed. They were talking more, letting loose with their personalities, and even getting into trouble. And those kids who were always stirring things up in every class had suddenly started behaving. A shift was taking place. You could feel it. Sidney Bouchard and Latisha were being friendlier with us girls, acting like they weren't so tight with Corena after all. And boys like Calvin, Garrett, and Andy were showing up for class again and not acting like such big shots. People were being nicer and putting stupid differences aside. A change was happening, and I knew what it was.

You see, kids were getting used to Tammy and Corena not being around, and they liked seeing all of Corena's friends coming to class, behaving like other students. Now they were starting to think Tammy wasn't gonna be such a tyrant from now on—as if this Hope incident had actually caused Tammy to feel sorry for something she'd done and taught her a lesson. Kids were hoping things were gonna be a little more chill around Lifegate, a little more fair and normal...like we were going to a regular school. I could feel it myself and wanted it to be true, but everything I knew about Tammy told me that wasn't gonna be the case.

~~~

Fourth hour, I was in Ms. Strauss's room watching Hope. She was sitting to the left of me, leaning forward in her chair and kinda rocking back and forth. She had her mouth shaped into the letter _O_ like she was about to ask a question, and she seemed to be staring right through the wall. I wondered what she thought of her parents. Did they even seem like parents to her, now? And what would it be like to not know who your real parents are? You'd be asking yourself who are these strangers who you've never met and why did they give you up? And the people who raised you, they'd suddenly seem like strangers, too. You'd be a stranger to yourself. Then I started getting that same feeling I had a week earlier: a deep, deep sadness, the kind that made me feel sorry for the whole world and made me want to reach out and hold somebody. The thing is, Hope didn't look like she wanted to be hugged right then. She looked like she wanted to disappear.

Makayla was sitting at the next table, looking flushed in the face and nervous. She was chewing on her pencil and literally shaking, vibrating in her chair. I thought about all the shit she'd been through, being abused by her dad and then abandoned by her parents, just trying to get by, trying to get through school and not taking her medication, or not being able to get it. And now her boyfriend was at home with his skull all busted up. She was all alone and so damn crazy that she wouldn't let anyone get close enough to her to help her or even comfort her. I tried to imagine being her and having those types of problems—the kind you could never escape from.

Up near the front of the room was Trent. Just two weeks ago, he helped beat Makayla's boyfriend almost to death, and now he was sitting in Algebra 2 like nothing had happened. And Russ, Kyle and, Andy—they were in there, too, and they'd taken part in beating Bobby. It didn't seem right. It didn't seem right that we were stuck in there having to pretend like nothing happened, pretending like we were just there to learn—but that's what everyone was doing. And why was Ms. Strauss up there, still trying to teach us, and going on and on about the quadratic formula as if it had any importance for anybody in that room, right then? I mean, after all the cruel and mean things that'd been done to her, why hadn't she just packed up and gone home? Then it occurred to me that the only people who were acting like something unusual had happened, the only people who didn't have to take part in the charade, were Tammy and Corena. Because they had power.

As I sat there thinking about these things, I realized that nothing had changed; in fact, it was worse than ever. I thought about the week before when Tammy and Corena weren't even at school, and how the teachers kept discouraging us from talking about what happened. You could see it in their eyes—they were scared. They were scared of what Tammy might do if she found out the kids were talking about her and how she'd screwed up. And the kids, the way they'd whisper to each other, leave out names, and keep watch to make sure no one was listening. They were scared, too. That's the power that Tammy and Corena had. Because even when they were hiding out at home or in Tammy's office, people respected them and respected their power.

What really pissed me off was that I was surrounded by people who didn't realize what a bunch of cowards they were...or they didn't care...or they had no sense of right and wrong...or they were so wrapped up in their own lives that they didn't want to do anything about it. You see, I was used to Tammy and Corena—their meanness and all the fucked-up shit they would pull. But I was surprised at how everybody else in the school was willing to stand by and just watch it happen, and then pretend like it didn't happen. Ms. Strauss—standing up there talking about imaginary numbers. She was making jokes about how there weren't enough real numbers to go around, so mathematicians had to invent imaginary ones. It was fucking bullshit. I felt like walking up and hitting her over the head with a book and yelling, "Do you see what's going on here? And why aren't you trying to do something about it?"

~~~

Same day Hope came back, I went to Mrs. Garrison's room after school to get some work I still had to make up. When I walked into the room, Mrs. Garrison was sitting behind her desk, looking real cheery, and talking to all her Christian students who thought she was the best teacher in the world. When they saw me come in, they started clearing out. They knew if I was in Mrs. Garrison's room, it was because I had some business to take care of.

I stood just inside the door watching them wrap up whatever conversation they were having and watching Mrs. Garrison give big smiles to all the kids who were leaving. What lovely fun, I thought, being surrounded by kids who adore you—nice Christian girls in khaki skirts with their little crosses and hair tucked behind their ears—the same girls who were so stuck up that they wouldn't even look at me and would never say hi back when I said it to them. When the last one left the room, I walked up to Mrs. Garrison's desk and said, "I need the assignment from last Tuesday."

"Last Tuesday?"

"Yeah. I was suspended, and you gave us a response essay we were supposed to write, but I don't know what it was about."

"Well, let's see." She reached towards the front of her desk where she had a bunch of notebooks lined up, one next to the other. She pulled out a blue notebook with bright tabs down the side, opened it up, and laid on her desk. She said, "Okay, the book we were reading was _Of Mice and Men,_ and you were supposed to write about the relationships between men and animals."

"Okay?"

"Do you remember the story?

"Yeah."

"So what relationships were there between men and animals?"

"...Well, they killed that guy's dog."

"Right..."

"And the big, dumb guy was always squeezing the life out of little animals."

"Right. So try to find a theme in those relationships and write about it. Do you still have the book?"

"I think so."

"But I collected them back. Did you turn yours in?"

"I don't know. I'll see." I was feeling impatient, and I wanted to get out of there.

She said, "Here, take this one, and if you still have the other copy, make sure you turn them both back in."

"I will."

"And what about my copy of _Animal Farm_ that I let you borrow?"

"I'll look for that one, too," I said.

"Did you finish it?"

"Yeah." I could tell she was in one of her moods where she wanted to talk. She always wanted to talk. You could never just get what you needed and leave.

"So what did you think? Did you like it?"

"It was all right." I turned and looked at the door. It was a reflex. I don't know what I was hoping to see through the tiny window. Maybe I was waiting for somebody else to come through the door who would take Mrs. Garrison's attention off of me.

Mrs. Garrison wrote down the assignment on one of her heart notes, handed it to me, and said, "You look awfully mad, Macy."

"I am mad," I snapped. It was a lie, or at least, I thought it was. What I did know was that I was gonna be mad if I missed catching a ride with Lori and had to wait around for my mom to pick me up.

"What's wrong?" she asked giving me one of those real quizzical looks, like she couldn't imagine that I might have some problems.

I didn't want to talk to her. I was in a hurry, and I wanted to blow her off and end the conversation right there. But something about the look on her face—that same goddamn look she's always giving us kids when she's trying to act concerned—it seemed so fake. Suddenly, I felt like smashing her cozy world, if only for a moment, just to let her know that kids really do have problems, big problems, and nobody's doing anything about them. I wanted to wipe that look off her face with a little dose of reality—my reality. So I said, "What do you think? There's some messed up shh...stuff that's been going on around here."

She lowered her voice, got a real concerned, painful look on her face, and said, "You mean with Hope? How's she doing?"

"I guess she's doing all right. She came to school today. But it's not fair, Mrs. Garrison, that people can do what they did to her and not have to pay for it."

"So that's what you're mad about. You think there should be some sort of revenge."

I said, "I'm not talking about revenge. I just don't see how they can go around doing the things they do and nobody ever does anything about it."

She glanced quickly at the door and then whispered, "You mean Tammy and..."

"Well, yeah!" I yelled.

Still speaking quietly, she asked, "What do you think should be done?"

"I don't know. How am I suppose to know? I'm just a sixteen-year-old kid. You're the adult. Don't you think this is something the adults should be handling?"

"But, Macy, sometimes there's nothing you can do."

"So that's how it is. There's nothing that can be done. They're just gonna go on messing with people's lives and pushing people around."

She looked at me with that same painful expression, sort of nodded her head, and said, "Yeah. The world's not always fair, Macy." It angered me when she said that because that's what everyone always says. She was acting like I never heard it before, like she was telling me something new.

I said, "Yeah, but isn't school supposed to be fair? Aren't they supposed to, at least, try to make it fair? Shouldn't we be protected from the unfairness until we, at least, grow up?"

She thought about this for a moment and said, "Well, they should try to make it fair. But you know it's not always fair for kids. Some kid's parents have money, others don't. Some kids have parents who are divorced, or on drugs..."

I yelled, "Yeah, but that's even more of a reason why school should be fair!" I put my hands on her desk, looked her in the eye, and asked, "Doesn't it make you mad, Mrs. Garrison? Don't you ever wanna go in the office and start screaming and tell Tammy what you really think of her and tell her all the things she's done wrong?" Mrs. Garrison started laughing when I said this because she wasn't the type of person to do that. But I didn't think it was funny. I was dead serious.

"Macy, you're just looking at all the negatives of the school and not the positives. Right now, it seems...unfair, as you say, but there are some things we can't change, and if you keep focusing on them, it will just get you down. Why don't you try thinking about some of the good things this school has to offer?"

"But I don't wanna think about the good things. That's the problem! If everyone pretends like nothing happened and acts as if everything is okay, then it's just gonna keep happening again and again."

She said, "You can't fix the world, Macy," which was the last thing I wanted to hear, especially from her. She was always trying to 'fix' us kids whenever she had a chance. And what was that, anyway? Grown-ups were always saying stupid shit like that. I wasn't trying to fix the world.

I said, "Yeah, that's how all you teachers think. You'll get all over us kids about something we're doing in class, or something we're not doing, but if a real problem comes up, something that effects everyone, you say, 'Well, you can't fix the world.' Well, you know what I think? I think you're all just scared."

"Macy Carpenter!" she yelled, furrowing up her brow. "You can't say that! It's not about being scared."

"Well, that's what I think."

I could see she was getting irritated. She pointed her finger at me and said, "Now listen, you don't know what goes on between me and the administration, and I don't think you should make that assumption. Like you say, you're just a kid, and you have no idea how hard we teachers work to make this a good school."

"I'm just saying that it doesn't seem to me like anyone's standing up to them."

"Well, you don't know, Macy, and it's not always about standing up to people. Sometimes, if you want to make a difference, you have to accept things you can't change."

I scowled at her and said, "Well, you might have to accept it, but I don't."

She said, "Maayceee..." like she was disappointed in my attitude. But I was disappointed in hers.

I said, "I don't know, Mrs. Garrison. I gotta go," and I headed for the door.

She said, "Macy," with a pleading look, "try not to let it get you down too much. And thanks for coming to see me."

When I got to the parking lot, I saw Lori had already left and there was no one else for me to catch a ride with. Just as I feared, I was gonna have to wait around for my mom to pick up my little brother. The elementary didn't get out for another 10 minutes, so I went and sat on the green electric box in front of the school. I was upset about what Mrs. Garrison had said—"You can't fix the world." Fucking bullshit. All I wanted was a little justice, and Mrs. Garrison was acting like I was off-kilter or something. I just wanted somebody to do something, anything, so that I would know I wasn't fucking crazy—so I would know somebody else cared. Because, right then, I was sick of myself for caring and wishing there was some way I could make myself stop.

When I got in the car with my mom, she said, "What's wrong with you? You look like you're doing some thinking in there." I told her what I was upset about. I told her about Hope coming back to school and about my conversation with Mrs. Garrison. She said, "Oh Macy, I don't know what you expect people to do. What's Mrs. Garrison going to do, quit her job? And who's going to get Tammy in trouble, anyway? Sure, what she did wasn't very nice. She had no business telling anybody about Hope's private information, and it was terrible the way it got dumped on Hope like that. But I don't even think she broke the law. And it's her school. She does what she wants. You know that."

I said, "It's not her school! She may have started it, but she doesn't _own_ it. She gets money from the taxpayers just like you said. What I don't understand is why you aren't upset. Hope's mom didn't even want her to come back to school because she's so mad at Tammy, but _you_ don't seem to care if I go there."

She started getting angry and said, "What am I supposed to do, Macy, pull you out and send you to a private school? We can't afford that. And you're _not_ going to the big high school. Who knows what'll happen to you there. And as far as getting upset at Tammy, what's that going to accomplish? You act like us parents are supposed to be perfect. We have a lot of hard decisions to make, especially when they have to do with you kids. We can't solve all the problems, Macy, and my main concern is you and Justin. You'll see. You'll understand what I mean when you grow up. Right now, you just need to worry about Macy, and let the adults deal with the rest of it."

"Well, what about Hope? Who's worried about Hope?"

"Her parents."

"She's still has to go to school. She has to sit in class, and the kids are all scared of her like she's some sort of freak. She's got all this shit she's gotta think about, and meanwhile, Tammy and Corena, the people who caused her problems, get to hide out in the office. They don't gotta deal with any of it."

She said, "Well, it wasn't just Tammy and Corena that caused Hope's problems. Her parents could have told her she was adopted. Anyway, I thought you said she was gonna go live with her dad."

"I thought she was, too, but she changed her mind. I think she's afraid she's gonna lose her credits."

"Hmm," was all my mom said.

I felt tired and was glad my mom didn't have anything more to say. I leaned my head against the headrest, stared out the window, and watched the houses pass by as if I was watching TV, not thinking, just looking.

I saw faded big wheels and plastic play equipment rotting in tall grass and sidewalks crumbling into the street. I saw old, beat-up furniture sitting at the end of driveways, set out for the taking by people poor enough to think someone would actually want it. I saw abandoned houses with sagging roofs, gutters falling off and mold growing everywhere, smashed-out storm windows and porches covered with broken glass. I saw houses with no trees in the front yard and rusted fencing, bent over and laying on the ground. I saw people sitting on front porches and standing in their yards, staring at us as we drove by. And the way they looked at us with a sort of expectation, like they were waiting for something and hoping, it gave me the feeling their house was just a place they were staying and nothing more. And it all looked so ugly and mean. It made me feel tired. Tired of school, tired of my mom, my friends, my whole life. It was obvious nobody cared.

And as I started going over in my mind what my mom had said, I could feel her apathy rubbing me in a spot that'd been sore for a long time.

I said, "You're right about one thing, Mom.

"What?"

"Parents aren't perfect...You're far from perfect...very far from..."

"Don't start, Macy. I'm not in the mood."

# Chapter 16

The next day, Mrs. Garrison was sitting up on her stool in front of class trying to get us to talk about a book we were reading. She was asking us why this character did this, and why another character did that, and what their motivations were. She really liked taking a book apart, piece by piece, and talking about each little part. Only thing was, we never seemed to put it all back together again in the end. And she was in one of her moods where she wanted everyone to participate, where if you weren't raising your hand, she'd call on you, and you had to answer. You couldn't just say, "I don't know," or she'd keep leaning on you and asking more questions until you said something that satisfied her. I hadn't even read the chapters we were supposed to read. I knew it was just a matter of time before she was gonna call my name, and I wasn't in the mood to deal with the guilt trip she was gonna try to put on me. I knew what she'd say, that I was taking something away from the class by not doing the reading, that she values my input and other bullshit. So I asked if I could go to the bathroom and acted like it was an emergency to make sure she'd say yes.

I went to the bathroom, fixed my hair and make up, and talked to some junior high girls that were in there, just trying to kill time. When I came out of the bathroom, I was in no hurry to get back to class and was considering running outside for a smoke. That's when I noticed Makayla and Mrs. Bouchard in the hallway. Makayla was getting the books out of her locker and handing them to Mrs. Bouchard, who was looking through each one and stacking them on the floor. They didn't see me, and I stood there watching them for a while, wondering what was going on. I heard Mrs. Bouchard ask, "Is that all of them?" Makayla nodded, then reached in, grabbed her purse out of her locker and shut it, and stood there staring at her locker door. She looked like she was preparing herself for some sort of doom, like a woman waiting to walk the plank or something. Mrs. Bouchard looked at the books on the floor, then looked at Makayla and said, "Just leave the books here. I'll have somebody get them." Then, as if on cue, Makayla turned and started walking down the hall with Mrs. Bouchard, leaving her books stacked in the middle of the hallway.

Makayla didn't look at me as they came near. She was frowning at the floor with a zoned out look on her face. She didn't even look up when I asked Mrs. Bouchard, "What's going on?"

Mrs. Bouchard kind of bit her lower lip and said, "They're kicking Makayla out because she doesn't live in the district." Then she rolled her eyes, letting me know how ridiculous she thought it was. Makayla didn't live in the school district; she never did. Tammy knew this but had been letting her come to Lifegate anyway—until now.

I watched them walk through the double doors to where the offices were, then watched through the glass as Mrs. Bouchard escorted Makayla to the front doors of the school. Makayla was moving in her peculiar way, as if she were on a leash being led somewhere she didn't wanna go. They stopped walking when they got to the front doors of the school, and Mrs. Bouchard said something to Makayla. Makayla didn't answer. She just stood there staring at the front doors, motionless. Mrs. Bouchard put her hand on Makayla's shoulder. She looked like she wanted to say something else to her or give her a hug, but Makayla wasn't paying any attention to her. Mrs. Bouchard reached out and pushed open one of the doors, and Makayla stepped through. I watched her disappear down the sidewalk, still clutching her purse to her stomach, and being pulled by an invisible leash. I wondered where she was gonna go. She didn't have a car.

I went back to Mrs. Garrison's room feeling disturbed and anxious. As soon as class was over, I ran down the hall to Tammy's office and knocked on her door. She said, "Come in," and when I opened her door, I saw her sitting behind her desk stapling papers with country music playing on the radio behind her. She looked up at me, sort of frowned, and said, "Yesss?" like she knew what I was gonna ask.

I asked, "Why'd you kick Makayla out?"

She said, "She doesn't live in the school district," as if it were that simple and not any fault of her own.

I said, "But she's never lived in the district. Why now?"

"We're cracking down."

"What about the other kids who don't live in the district? You gonna kick them out?"

She reached behind her, turned down the radio, sat back in her chair and said, "I didn't know there were any other kids, but if we find out, we'll deal with it."

I thought to myself, _Aw, man, here we go again._ I hated how these people would look you right in the eye and lie to you like they didn't have any shame—or like they thought you were stupid or something. I said, "That's bull! You know there are other kids..."

"Don't get that way with me."

"I think you're just looking for an excuse to get rid of her."

"Well, maybe we are. She can't expect people to keep doing her favors when she's causing trouble like she's been. Some girls are getting tired of her flirting with their boyfriends all the time."

"Oh, Jesus. You mean Corena?"

Her face immediately turned red. She sneered, "It's not just Corena. There are a lot of girls who are sick of the way she's been behaving."

"That's low, Tammy, and wrong, and you know it."

"I don't think so. I'm the one who's gotta deal with all these girls coming to my office, complaining about each other all the time, and I'm tired of it. We did her a favor, and she didn't appreciate it..."

I yelled, "It's wrong! She wasn't doing anything, and she _needs_ favors..."

She said, "You better watch it, girl. Don't think you're gonna come into my office and tell me..." I turned and walked out. It was disgusting listening to a grown woman trippin' over high school girls—FLIRTING—I mean, God! Such a lame excuse.

I wasn't surprised they kicked Makayla out, but I sure was pissed. Next period, in Algebra 2, I told all the kids about it, and they got pissed off, too. Everybody was whispering back and forth and passing notes to the point where Ms. Strauss could hardly teach her lesson. She kept telling us to be quiet, and I could see her getting irritated. After she gave us an assignment, I decided I was gonna tell her because I thought she might be interested. I went up to her desk and, in a low voice, started explaining what happened. She was interested all right. She even asked me to go out into the hall with her to talk, which was pretty unusual.

Out in the hall, I told her all about Makayla, the things she's been through, and how she'd come to Lifegate in the first place. Ms. Strauss thought it was a raw deal Makayla had been kicked out and wanted to know why. I told her what happened to Bobby, him getting stomped, and how Corena had caused it. I couldn't believe she didn't know anything about this; everybody else in the school did. Ms. Strauss had this way of acting real confused whenever you were explaining something to her about our school. I'd noticed it before when I'd tried filling her in on some other things. I figured this acting confused was just her way of getting you to keep talking so you'll say more—and boy I tell you, out there in the hall, she was acting real confused, furrowing up her brow and doing all kinds of funny things with her lips, as if what I was telling her just didn't add up. It even seemed like her dead eye had come alive—I saw it moving—and it felt as if she was really seeing me for the first time. Maybe she just wanted me to give her more details. But it also occurred to me that most other kids never talked to her, and she might not've known about any of this.

You see, Ms. Strauss didn't have any students who would stay after class and shoot the shit with her like the other teachers had. She was too weird, and all the kids ever did was make fun of her. Kids were scared of her, and some were even saying she was a lesbian because she made a comment once to these girls about what they were wearing that day, saying they looked nice. Now, Mrs. Garrison would say stuff like that all the time, and no one thought she was a lesbian. Of course, Mrs. Garrison was married. Thing is, even the teachers seemed to avoid Ms. Strauss. I never saw them talking to her, and I never saw Ms. Strauss hanging out in Mrs. Garrison's room after school, which is where all the teachers would go to chill. I guess I was one of the few students she felt she could talk to. I wasn't scared of her. I thought she was interesting. We spent the rest of Algebra 2 out in the hall talking about Makayla and Corena and what happened to Hope. I made sure she understood how it all went down. I wanted her to know because I thought she would care.

~~~

At lunchtime, I got some chips from the machine and went outside looking for Lori. I went to the back of the parking lot and found her sitting in her car, listening to the radio, and getting ready to cut up some lines on her purse mirror. As I climbed into the front seat, she told me to watch for people, so I did.

I watched Calvin amble out of the building and then do sort of a jog over to his car. He started it up, backed out of his spot, and pulled up to the front of the school. Then he sat there waiting, slouched down in his seat and staring straight ahead with his ball cap pulled low over his eyes. I saw Corena come marching out of the building looking agitated, like she was in a big hurry. It was the first time I'd seen her that day. She climbed into the front seat of Calvin's car, slammed the door, and sat facing him, her mouth moving rapidly. I could hear bits of her staccato voice coming through the window. Without even looking at her, Calvin eased on the gas and drove away. I laughed to myself and thought bitterly, 'You're probably not gonna get any pussy today, Calvin.'

I watched Garrett and Andy run out of the building and hop into Garrett's car. The music came on with the car, drowning out the sound of the engine—thrash metal, speed metal or grunge—it was like the soundtrack for Garrett's life, as if he'd turned his car into a shining hate-mobile. The car jerked backwards, the tires spun, the car tore out of the parking lot in a cloud of dust.

Kids were hanging out by the front doors of the school and walking along the sidewalk that went to the elementary building. I watched kids in groups of twos and threes walking over to the ball fields which were across the parking lot from our school—going over to sit in the dugouts to smoke. They'd glance at Lori and me as they passed by, then look away. They'd whisper to each other, then turn and look again to see what Lori and I were doing. It was the same routine everyday at lunchtime. The kids with cars would leave to go have fun while everyone else tried to find a place to relax.

Watching people going this way and that, I felt a slow anger building inside me followed by a dull hatred. Everyone seemed so self-involved. It was the look on their faces and their attitudes—they seemed so satisfied. Even the rejects with their dirty clothes and pants cuffs dragging on the ground, playing games with junior high kids. They were smiling like they were sharing some inside joke—as if they were happy. As the wind blew gusts of dust off the parking lot towards school, I watched the kids turn and lift their jackets to block the dust from their hair, and I saw them laughing. They were laughing and having fun, like kids are supposed to do, and they were carefree.

It was because of Makayla that I was feeling that way. I knew no other kids were thinking about her. People didn't wanna think about stuff like that, about kids getting kicked out of school and the reasons for it. It was too unfair and unjust and downright scary. Kids would quit showing up for school all the time and for all kinds of reasons and no one thought much about it. One day a person would be there, and they'd be your class buddy, then they'd disappear, and you wouldn't think about them again until someone brought up their name, months later.

It was just like Lori and me. We were both thinking about Makayla, but we weren't talking about her. What was there to say? We both knew she wouldn't enroll in another school, and she'd lose all her credits for the semester. We knew, most likely, Lifegate would be the last school she'd ever attend. And we also knew why Tammy decided to kick Makayla out. Tammy was tired of being reminded of what those boys had done, what her precious Keenan had done. She was tired of seeing Makayla creeping around school pouting all day and figured it'd make things easier for Corena if Makayla wasn't there. It'd make it easier for Corena to come back to class—so everyone's not reminded that it was Corena who had Bobby beat to a pulp. Makayla was gone, and even though the kids were upset about it in Algebra 2, I knew that by the time lunch was over, most of them would've forgotten all about it. A few of us girls would notice she's not in class anymore, but in a week or so, most of the kids would forget she ever existed.

Lori had finished cutting the coke into three lines. She laid the mirror on the center console, got out her straw, and snorted two of them, one in each nostril. Then she held out the straw to me and said, "Here, do a line. It'll make you feel better." I thought about doing the line. Seemed like I was always snorting Lori's coke, and it made me feel like a mooch even though I never asked her for it. And I knew one line wasn't gonna make me feel better. It'd just make me want more.

I said, "No thanks...You don't happen to have any weed do you?"

She said, "Yeah, I got some in my one-hitter." She quickly snorted the last line, rubbed her finger all over the mirror and licked it, and threw the mirror back in her purse. Then she got her one-hitter out of the glove box and dug me out a hit. I looked around for kids that might be spying, lit it, and took a deep drag. I held it in for as long as I could, then blew the smoke into a jacket that was in Lori's car. Lori took a hit and dug another out for me. She said, "Wow, I'm high...I'm buzzing hard. I might not make it back to class, now." She cranked up the radio, lit a cigarette, and started bobbing her head to the music.

I was high too, but I wasn't in the same mood Lori was in. I thought to myself, _Makayla had to go so Corena could feel more comfortable._ That's what was really getting me and making me feel bitter towards all those kids. It was the one thing no one was gonna talk about. _But when you don't talk about something, you're accepting it._ Then I realized—It was just like the book! _Animal Farm,_ the one Mrs. Garrison lent me. That book was cold. And there was a reason why I hadn't given it back to Mrs. Garrison. It was about these animals that take over the farm. At first they were happy because no one was gonna get slaughtered, but then the pigs put themselves in charge and started making life hell for everyone. You see, the pigs were all about control, so they were always making up stories and changing the history to suit themselves and trying to get the other animals to believe things that simply weren't true—and that's what Tammy was trying to do.

Makayla had to go so Corena could feel more comfortable. I could see it already. First they remove Makayla, then they start spreading lies about her and making up stories so that by the end of the year, no one will remember what really happened. That is, if they're thinking about her at all. They were trying to erase Makayla. And as this thought worked its way through my mind, I suddenly felt a tremendous need to tell someone about it. Because it seemed so real and true. It was just like the book! I thought, if people could just see it, see what Tammy was trying to do, then they'd understand and see how evil she really was.

I reached over, turned down the radio, and asked, "Lori, have you ever read _Animal Farm?_ " She gave me a blank stare and shook her head.

"Well, what about last year? Didn't you read it in English?"

She said, "I have no idea what you're talking about."

So I tried explaining it to her. I told her the story as best I could about the pigs, and how they got corrupted, and how they kept changing the rules. I told her about this one pig that ran away and how they blamed all their problems on him because they were always looking for someone to blame. And the more I talked, the more urgent it seemed that she should understand, and I could feel myself getting anxious and excited. I don't know if Lori was following me or not, but I could see that when I started explaining how it was just like Tammy and Corena, she wasn't interested. She got this real sour look on her face, and I knew I was ruining her buzz. I kept talking because I wanted to tell someone, and it seemed to make so much sense. But the more I talked, the more Lori seemed to be staring off into space like she was just waiting for me to finish. I was getting angry, and I wanted to stop, but I also wanted her to be able to see. So I started telling her about Makayla, and how they were trying to erase Makayla—erase her from the history of our school.

Then Lori turned and looked at me real seriously like she couldn't believe what I was saying. She reached out with both hands and grabbed me by the hair on the sides of my head. She put her face real close to mine and said, "Why are you always tripping on Tammy, Corena, and Makayla, and this fucked up school? Why are you always talking about it? You used to be fun, Macy. Don't you remember when we used to have fun?" She let go of my hair and slumped back in her seat. "God! I can't even get high anymore without you trippin' about some...Shit! Can't you just get high and forget about it? Come on!"

I felt terrible when she said that, and I wondered why I tried to explain anything to her. I always hated talking to people on coke, anyway. It was so irritating. Now she was pissed, and I was feeling hurt and stupid, like I was being uncool. She was right. I wasn't fun any more. All I was doing was tripping about the bad things that'd happened and probably making too big of a deal out of them. I wondered how I'd gotten like that, how I'd gotten so hung up because I didn't used to be that way.

I watched Lori light another cigarette and blow the smoke out the window. She put her head back on the seat, closed her eyes, and said, "I'm sorry, Macy. I just don't want to think about it anymore."

I didn't wanna think about it anymore, either. I thought to myself, _Maybe Lori's right. Maybe I should just get high and forget about it._ I was wishing I could, but around that time, it seemed like getting high just made me think about it more. I was dwelling on things, and I couldn't let go. I felt like all that crap I was going through had broken me apart in places where I didn't even know I could be broken and exposed weaknesses I didn't even know I had. The worst part was that I knew I'd never be put back together to the way I was before. I knew I'd never feel strong again, or carefree, or bullheaded the way I did only six months earlier. Maybe I didn't completely know it then, but I sure felt it. I was changed, and for the first time I can remember, I felt depressed.

Lori and I sat there for about twenty minutes, not saying anything. Then it was time to go into school. I got out of Lori's car and, in a daze, started walking across the parking lot, my head in a cloud of thoughts. Was it me? Was I being a drag? Was I being like Hope, always depressed, always finding something to worry about? Or was Lori just being her insensitive self? Was she not able to see what I was seeing, or did she not care? _But when you don't talk about something, you're accepting it._ I was floating towards the school on autopilot, so lost in my own mind that even when I got this tingling feeling on the back of my legs, a feeling that one of the cars pulling in had almost hit me, I didn't turn around to look. Now I was on the sidewalk that led to the school, surrounded by kids. Someone said something to me, but I didn't hear them. I began feeling claustrophobic as I pictured myself going inside into that hot, dusty computer lab. I was considering walking home or wandering out into the tall grass and finding a soft spot where I could sit down to think. Then, just as I was about to follow some kids through the front doors of the school, I saw Hope standing off to the side.

I stopped walking and somebody bumped into the back of me. I could feel kids pushing their way around my body. Hope didn't see me; she was staring out over the parking lot like she was waiting for someone. _She doesn't wanna go inside either,_ I thought, so I went and stood by her. She turned to look at me and her eyes were wet—not like she was crying but like she was about to. Then she looked away.

I said, "Hope, what's up?"

She said, "I'm going home," still staring into the distance.

"You having a bad day?"

"Yeah..."

"What is it?"

She said, "I don't want to talk about it," and bit her lip. I figured, being her second day back, it had to be pretty rough with the kids treating her like a ghost and all the things that must've been going through her head.

I said, "Will you give me a call later?" She nodded yes, but I knew she wouldn't. I told myself I was gonna make sure and call her, though.

I walked into school and went past the closed door of Tammy's office. Mrs. Bouchard was in her usual spot by the double doors, chatting with the kids as they went by. She made eye contact with me and made a point of saying hi, but I ignored her and continued down the hall. I went straight into the computer lab and sat down in my chair, stuck the keyboard back behind the monitor, and then rested my head down on my folded arms. I didn't want to talk to anyone and was still considering leaving school. It was only after I put my head down that I remembered I was still high—but not the kind of high I wanted to be; it wasn't enjoyable. It was the kind of buzz where you keep asking yourself what you were trying to think about, but the thought keeps slipping away. _Did it have something to do with Lori, or was it Hope? And why was I so upset? Was I depressed? Is this what it feels like to be depressed? And why was I so mad at myself, right then? Because I was trying to talk to Lori about something? Lori couldn't make me feel that way. It was something else. What was it? Something Hope said?_

Then it hit me, and I realized why Hope was going home. Makayla had just gotten kicked out of school, and Hope was blaming herself. Because it was Hope who told us about Corena, how Corena had caused Bobby to get stomped. If Hope hadn't told us, then no one would have known it was Corena's fault, and Tammy wouldn't have felt the need to remove Makayla from our school. And that's exactly how Hope would think about something like that. She'd blame herself.

I was just starting to mull this over, wondering if Hope was still standing out there, when Ms. Strauss started talking about our assignment. I heard her clear her throat and say, "Okay...I know how you guys like to complain, and I know you like to tell me how you think I should be teaching this class. Believe it or not, we teachers like to hear these things, especially when it's constructive and not just about how I should assign less work. So here's your opportunity to tell me everything you've always wanted to about this class. What I want you to do is write a 500-word essay telling me what you've learned in Computer Concepts. And feel free to tell me all those other things you've been so kind to share with me in the last couple months—but I want you to start off by telling me what you've learned..."

_What a bunch of bullshit,_ I thought. I could hear kids starting to complain as soon as she was done talking, and I was wishing I would have just skipped class. I wanted to get back to what I was thinking about, so I kept my head down and pretended I was asleep.

"Macy," she said, "are you with us? You've got a writing assignment to do. Wake up."

I kept my head down. I didn't want to write about anything, just wanted to figure some shit out. I wanted to get back to my feelings—get back to feeling bad. _What was it?..._

I heard Ms. Strauss say, "She can't be asleep. She just got here."

Cecil said, "Aw, she's just drunk," and a bunch of kids started laughing. I was so fucking angry. No, I was irritated. _Why won't they shut up?_ For a moment, I thought I might lose it and jump up and start snapping on people... _But why? Why did I feel this way?_

I heard Calvin come into the room, his voice booming, "Whaaaazzz up daaaawwwwgs?" He was being his fool self, not giving a damn that he was ten minutes late for class. Kids were yelling at Calvin as he made his way to his seat, but Ms. Strauss didn't say anything to him.

"Well, somebody wake her up," I heard Ms. Strauss say. She was still focused on me. _What's her problem? Can't she see that I want to be left alone?_ I felt somebody shake my arm a few times. It was Chelsea.

She said, "Hey, Macy, they want you to get up, baby," then sarcastically, "We all gotta do our work you know." I still didn't move. I was afraid if I did, I might just storm right out of the room. Then I smelled her—Ms. Strauss. She smelled like that funky food she was always eating, and she was standing right next to me.

She said, "Macy. Macy, what's wrong?"

I had my eyes closed tight. Through clenched teeth, I started to say, "I don't want to talk about..." _But when you don't talk about something, you're accepting it..._

"Macy?"

...and when you accept something, something that's not right, something that's really wrong, you feel ashamed.

"Macy, don't act like you're asleep."

And that was it! You feel ashamed! And I never wanted to be ashamed of anything, Ever—not the sex I've had, or the people I had it with, or the drugs I took, or the fights I got in, or the people I chose to be my friends. I wasn't ashamed of any of it, not one bit...

"Macy?"

...But it didn't matter, because there are other things you can be ashamed of. Like when you let people push you around or take advantage of you. Or when you allow people to make your life miserable or treat you like a something instead of a someone, it can cause you to feel ashamed. And you can feel ashamed for the way you let your parents treat you.

I felt Ms. Strauss walk away, but now the kids in the room had joined in, thinking it was a game in trying to get me to put my head up. They were taunting me and saying in sing-song voices, "Macy...it's time to wake up, Macy..."

And there's one more way you can feel ashamed. It's the worst kind of shame you can feel because there's not damn thing you can do about it. It's the shame you feel for other people when you see them standing by, watching people get hurt. When you see them turn their heads and act like it's not happening, or when they pretend not to notice, or when they say there's nothing they can do about it, anyway. It's feeling ashamed for other people's weakness—for the way they seem to lay down and accept injustice when it's right in front of their eyes. That's why it was impossible for me to quit talking about the things that were happening, because I _refused to accept the shame!_

They'd quit taunting me to wake up, but when I finally lifted my head off the computer table, a few kids gave a little cheer and started clapping. I held the up the finger to let them know where I stood. Then I pulled the keyboard out from behind the monitor and set it in front of me. I opened up Word and began typing. It was a dumb assignment. I hadn't learned enough in computer class that year to justify 500 words, and I didn't think Ms. Strauss read these essays, anyway. I thought she just assigned them so she could keep us busy and get her own work done, and that she probably just ran a word count on them to make sure we hit our quota. And right then, I really didn't care. I titled the essay _What I Learned in Computer Class This Year,_ but that's not what I wrote about.

I wrote for the entire period, putting into words everything that was in my head. Every time I got something down, seemed like I had ten more things waiting to be written and coming out way faster than I could type. It wasn't organized, not like an essay should be; I was too busy trying to make sure I said everything I wanted to say. I talked about mean and hateful things that'd been building up in me for a long time—stuff I knew no one wanted to hear but I thought needed to be said. I wrote about our school, and parents and the way they behave, and about kids and teachers. I wrote about power and what it does to people, and fear and the shame it causes. And of course, I wrote about Tammy. I blamed her for everything.

I said that her power had made her weak, caused her to do despicable things, and that our whole school had suffered because of it. I said she was corrupting kids, teaching kids to accept injustice, and teaching kids to lie. I talked about how she'd spoiled the entire school by playing favorites, and because of that, no one had any respect for her. I called her a bully and said she was the worst kind, the kind who goes after the weak and picks on kids who can't even defend themselves. Some things I wanted to write but didn't. I wanted to talk about how she'd put her kids on the school's payroll, or about the pills she took, or her getting arrested. I was angry, and I wanted to show just how weak she could be. You see, I knew stuff about Tammy that only a couple of other people in the school knew about—dirty things that showed just how sick and disgusting a person she really was...but then I remembered somebody else might actually read this, and decided to leave it out. It was also the end of the period. Ms. Strauss hadn't come around yet to grade my essay, probably because I was still writing. I told her it was saved under My Documents and left class.

When I stepped out into the hall, I felt a whole bunch of emotions rushing through me. I felt relieved and lighter, like I'd set something down and let go of things that were tearing at me. At the same time, the stuff I was upset about all of a sudden seemed stupid and insignificant. I felt guilty for the things I'd just written and embarrassed for letting myself get so worked up over it. I wrote the essay because I was tired of thinking about those things and dwelling on them, and I was ready to be done. I knew writing it down wasn't gonna change anything. But I was determined to not let it bother me anymore.

~~~

After Spanish class, I threw my books in my locker and began hurrying down the hall, excited about leaving school. But when I walked by the computer lab, I saw Ms. Strauss standing there as if she were waiting for me. She said, "Macy, I need to talk to you. Can you come in here?" I went into the computer lab and watched her shut the door behind us. Then I watched her walk all the way across the room to her desk and sit down. She gestured to me and said, "Come over here, Macy." She was acting different and kind of mysterious, and I was starting to wonder if maybe I should be scared of her. As I approached her desk, she said, "Have a seat," so I pulled a chair out from a computer table and sat down. At first, she didn't say anything. She moved some pencils and papers aside, crossed her arms on the desk, and sat there staring at me through her thick glasses. It made me feel like I was being leered at because she could only focus with that one eye. And the way she was looking me over, with this real serious look on her face, I felt like she was waiting for me to answer some question she hadn't even asked. I always love it when people do that because they expect you to feel uncomfortable, which I did, but instead of showing it, I just gave her a big smile.

After sitting there for what seemed like two minutes, she said, "I read what you wrote. That's not exactly the assignment I gave you."

For a moment I felt a little panic drop in my stomach, but I stayed cool and said, "Did you read the whole thing? I thought you'd just check to see if I had enough words."

"Of course I read it. You spent the entire period writing. Everyone else was finished. Didn't you think I'd be curious?"

I said, "Well, yeah..." She was right. I guess, in the back of my mind, I knew she'd read it. I said, "Ms. Strauss, I've got a lot of things going on in my head right now, and I just had to get some of it out."

"Well, you certainly did. And I saw you didn't have any nice things to say about the teachers, either. You said that all we're worried about is our jobs. Do you really think that's true?"

"Yes."

She pouted and furrowed up her brow and asked, "Why, why do you think that?"

I thought, god, what's the deal with the teachers around here, and why do they try to defend something that's so obvious?

I said, "Well, what do you think about Makayla getting kicked out and the other things we talked about this morning?"

She said, "I don't know, I don't think I even understand..."

"And everything else? You've been here, you've seen what goes on. Just look at the way they treat you. Do you think it's right?"

"No, I don't think it's right at all. And it makes me mad..."

"Then why don't you do something?" I asked.

"What can I do? I've only been teaching here for a couple of months. I don't even know if I'll get hired back next year."

I banged on her desk, "There you go! It's just what I said. All you teachers are worried about is your jobs."

Then she kind of sneered back at me, "Well if we don't work here, we're not going to be able to change much, are we, Macy?"

"But why don't you do something? God! There should be something someone can do."

"Like what? You think Tammy's going to listen to me?"

"I don't know. Isn't there someone you can complain to? I don't know how these charter schools work, but somebody must be in charge of Tammy."

She sort of shrugged and said, "I don't know. I've never worked at a charter school before."

"It just seems that if you teachers were really concerned about kids, you wouldn't be able to stand by while all this stuff goes on."

She said, "Oh, it bothers me, and I've wondered myself how all the other teachers can deal with it. Maybe, after you've been here a while, you just get used to it."

I said, "No, you accept it. And that's the problem. Everybody says, 'Well that's just how it is around here, Welcome to Lifegate Academy.' Well, I'm tired of that attitude because it's my friends who are getting hurt, and I still have two more years of school left at this joint. All I wanna see is one adult, besides Hope's mom, stand up and say to Tammy, 'This isn't right!' That's all I want."

She said, "Well, you've got a good point, Macy. This kind of stuff shouldn't go on, and I see why you think the teachers are partly responsible."

So she thought I was right. I couldn't believe it. Someone actually agreed with me and was willing to open her mouth and say, "This stuff shouldn't go on." I wanted to thank her just for agreeing with me, but I also wanted to press her while I still had the edge, before she changed her mind. I leaned forward in my chair and said, "And see, Ms. Strauss, you're in a special position because you're new here, and you can see just how screwed up it really is."

She furrowed her brow and said, "Well, yeah, that's true...So?"

"So you're gonna do something."

"Well, I don't know about that."

"But you said I was right, that this stuff shouldn't go on, and so that means you gotta do something, right?"

Then she smiled because she knew I had her. It was the first time I'd seen her smile all day. She said, "I don't know what to do. I don't know what there is to be done. But I'll think about it. Okay?"

I said, "Okay. You think about it."

She said, "I will. And thanks for talking to me—for explaining the stuff you did this morning."

I said, "No problem," and gave her a big smile. As I stood up, I said, "Now I'm gonna come back and ask you about it later, Ms. Strauss. I won't forget."

She said, "Okay, Macy. Goodbye."

I left the computer lab and ran to the parking lot just in time to see Lori starting to pull away. I yelled at her, and she stopped her car so I could hop in. I was glad not to have to wait around for my mom because I wanted to party, and Lori did, too. I was full of energy and full of life and felt like I'd just conquered something, though I wasn't sure if what I conquered was in me or if it was something else. Maybe I felt justified because I found one person who didn't think I was being crazy. I didn't try explaining any of this to Lori; she wouldn't have cared. She was driving towards the liquor store over in Minnith where we knew we could buy some liquor. The sky, which had been bright all day, was turning dark and dreary like it might thunderstorm, except that it seemed too cold for rain. It didn't bother my mood any; in fact, it made it better. I rolled down the window and let the cool air blow over my face and thought about Ms. Strauss.

Ms. Strauss was kind of like a dark, dreary day. You could hear it in the way she talked, the way she sneered even when she was agreeing with you. There was so much hurt in her voice, and it came out whenever she raised it. I got the feeling she didn't like people and that she'd been that way all her life and had accepted it, or learned to deal with it. I know she didn't like kids, certainly not high school kids. I liked her, though. She was intense. I felt like she was smart enough to realize I was right and that I was making sense. I could tell this by the way her face would twitch whenever I made a good point. I was used to people sneering at me. That was how my mom always talked to me. What I liked about Ms. Strauss was that she listened to me.

# Chapter 17

The next day seemed like a regular day. My mom woke me up, hollering at me, wanting to know why I was out so late and why I'd tracked mud into the house. I told her I didn't want to go to school, that I felt sick. She said, "Oh, no. You're going to school today. I don't care how you feel. This'll teach you not to stay out late on school nights. You were hanging out with Lori last night, weren't you? And you smell like liquor. I swear, that girl is nothin' but bad news..." She left my room shaking her head. I rolled over and tried going back to sleep, but my mom was right back in my face yelling at me to get up. We were late getting to school, which was my fault, and then I pretty much slept for the first three periods. It was nice, though, being hung over because for the first time in a long while, I wasn't thinking about anything. It felt like all the worries and concerns that'd been eating away at me for the previous two weeks had disappeared—like my brain was taking a rest. But it only lasted until Algebra 2 because that was the day that Corena decided to come back to class.

When I got to Ms. Strauss's room, Corena was already in there sitting on a table next to the door. She was making a big show of herself and talking in her normal loud and aggressive voice to Sidney and Latisha. She seemed not to even notice me when I walked in. I saw Hope sitting at the back table flipping through her Algebra book, and I went and sat by her. Hope was acting as if she was off in her own world, pretending like Corena wasn't even in the room. When I said hi to her, she just mumbled something back, like she was distracted by the book she was looking through. Then I heard Corena and Calvin start talking about something that happened at Rally's, something about a burger being smashed on somebody's windshield and a fight breaking out in the drive thru. Calvin was over by the windows and Corena was sitting by the door, and they were talking over the whole room as if they expected everyone to be so interested in their story. Soon other people joined in, talking about shit that happened when they were out cruising around—you know, stories about fights and drag racing and stuff like that. By the time Ms. Strauss came in, the class was pretty wound up.

Ms. Strauss tried to get everyone to quiet down, but it took her a while, and she had to use the sternest, meanest voice she could muster. She was barking at people, saying, "Quiet!...Trent, sit down!...Cecil, turn around and get your book out. Let's GO people, it's time for class." Eventually, everyone settled down—everyone but Corena, who you could tell wasn't ready to shut up. When Ms. Strauss started her lecture, Corena was still turned around in her chair talking to Sidney Bouchard.

Ms. Strauss was introducing something called the exponential function, which sounded really complicated. She was talking about inverse functions and writing equations on the board with all these variables. I was trying to pay attention and take notes, but I was distracted by Corena. She kept making comments like, "This is stupid. Who ever heard of exponial functions?"

I watched her start organizing all her folders and papers, making a big deal out of it like she'd decided that what Ms. Strauss was talking about wasn't even worth listening to. Then, somehow, all her folders fell off the table and papers went all over the floor. Ms. Strauss stopped lecturing and asked Corena, "What are you doing?"

Corena was out of her chair now, picking up papers and trying to be funny. She snapped, "I'm trying to get organized, can't you see? God, somebody could help me pick these up."

After Corena got all her papers off the floor and sat back down, she kept creating one distraction after another, and I could see Ms. Strauss was starting to get pissed. Corena kept talking over Ms. Strauss, asking Latisha for a calculator, asking if anyone had a pencil she could borrow. Then, out of nowhere, she blurts out to Ms. Strauss, "I don't even know what you're talking about. What do you mean by functions?" The whole class started laughing, and Corena acted like she was embarrassed. She looked around the room with a big smile on her face and said, "What? I'm just asking a question. I forgot what they are."

Ms. Strauss glared at Corena for a moment and said, "Well, if you came to class sometime, then maybe you'd know," and that got everybody going.

All the boys over by the window started saying, "Oooohhh...She just burned you, Corena. You gonna take that?" Corena was trying to look hurt, but she couldn't even stop from smiling. She went back to organizing her papers, but now, the guys over by the window couldn't stop giggling and cracking up. Ms. Strauss started threatening them, saying she was gonna move them to other seats if they didn't settle down. When she finally got back to her lecture, you could tell she was steaming. I looked over at Hope, wondering what she thought of all this. She was staring off into space and twisting her lips together like she was wishing she wasn't even there.

Ms. Strauss started lecturing again, and this time, she was acting like she was gonna charge right through and not stop for anything. But Corena wasn't finished. She kept turning around, trying to share some joke with Sidney and Latisha. By this time, even Sidney and Latisha were acting like they didn't wanna play along. The boys over by the windows were still giggling, but it seemed like everyone else was trying to ignore Corena because she was acting so stupid. You could feel a lot of tension in the room, which was bad, because tension like that always found a way to work itself out. Next, Corena wrote something on a piece of paper, turned around, and slammed it down on the table in front of Sidney. Sidney didn't even look at it. She just kept her eyes on Ms. Strauss, looking real nervous, like she knew trouble was coming. Then, Corena started talking to Sidney like Ms. Strauss wasn't even in the room, saying, "Hey, I'm thinking of going over to Delilah's after school to get my nails done. You wanna come?"

I watched Ms. Strauss stop writing on the board and put the cap back on the dry erase marker she was using. She turned to face Corena and said in a real calm voice, "Corena, you can leave if you want to."

Corena, who was still twisted around in her chair, turned her head towards Ms. Strauss with a big frown on her face, and said, "What? You want me to leave?"

Ms. Strauss said, "I want you to quit interrupting my class."

Corena whipped around in her chair looking real indignant and yelled, "What did I do? I didn't do anything!"

The boys across the room all started cracking up again, and Ms. Strauss turned red with anger. She stood there, holding her lips together and puffing up her cheeks like her mouth was filled with puke. Now, at any other time, this would have been real funny, but only the boys were laughing. I watched Ms. Strauss take a deep breath, then slowly turn around and go back to writing on the board.

Corena sat there for a moment looking mad and insulted. Then, she yelled, "Fine! If you don't want me here, I'll leave!" She grabbed all her books and stood up, knocking over her chair, and disappeared out the door.

The boys thought this was hysterical, but Ms. Strauss just ignored them and went on with her lecture. By now, nobody knew what she was talking about. She wrote down some homework problems for us and said, "We're probably gonna have to go over all this again tomorrow." Then she went and sat at her desk and started organizing her own papers. We all sat there waiting for Tammy to come storming down the hall to chew out Ms. Strauss, but it never happened. After a while, everyone started talking again but quieter now, like it was a free period.

~~~

Hailey Moore showed up for school that day for the first time in over a week. She'd been missing a lot of school that year because her mom had quit making her go. She never got in trouble for it, though, because her mom was good friends with Tammy. At lunchtime, me and some other girls were sitting in Ms. Strauss's room talking to Hailey about things that'd happened. We were telling her how Makayla had gotten kicked out and how unfair it was because there were other kids at our school who didn't live in the district. Then Hailey started telling us this story that her mom had heard from Tammy. It was this big lie that Corena made up about how she wasn't responsible for Bobby getting stomped. Basically, Corena was saying that she never told anyone to beat up Bobby, and that Hope made up the story to get her in trouble. Well, that was all it took to get us girls stirred up.

Chelsea said, "Aw, man. She's gonna call our Hopsey here a liar?"

Hope was hunched over at a back table with her chin on a stack of books, looking cross-eyed, and running her tongue over her teeth.

Chelsea said, "I don't think we should do nothin' social with Corena ever again and see how she likes that," and we all agreed.

We said we'd never go to another school dance, which we knew would really piss off Tammy because she was all about organizing school dances. And we all vowed not to join cheerleading the next year, which meant there would be no cheerleading because Corena wouldn't want to cheer with only the unpopular girls. We all got a laugh out of that, imagining what Corena would do when she found out that none of us wanted to join cheerleading.

At this point, there were only about five minutes left in lunch. Kids were starting to come in for the next class and were waiting for us to get out of their chairs. Ms. Strauss had come into the room and was getting stuff off her desk, getting ready to go to the computer lab. So we all started getting our books together like we were about to leave. Suddenly, Tammy appeared in the room. Some girls didn't see her at first, and I could tell she spooked them. And the way Tammy walked into the room, real quiet and slow, made me think she'd been outside the door listening for a while before she came in. She had this severe look about her and stood there for a moment staring at us, not saying anything. She looked angry, like she was about to explode, but she also looked kind of sad, like she might burst into tears. It was as if she knew we'd been talking about her. And then it came.

She bent forward like a witch, pointed at us, and sneered in a low voice, "Let's get something straight. This is my school, and I'll run it the way I like." Then shaking her head, she said, "And I could care less what you girls think about it." She stood there, with her lips held tight, looking each one of us over. Then she said, "But what I _do_ care about..." and this is where she looked like she was gonna cry, "is what you think about my daughter. And YOU better start caring about it, too." Then she raised her voice and said, "This school was created for _two_ people. _My_ kids. And the rest of you...you're lucky you're able to come here." Then, with her fists squeezed tight, she thrust her body forward and screamed at the top of her lungs, "I'm tired of this ingratitude! Why don't you all go back to the other school if you're so unhappy? You should be _thanking_ me!" She paused to let this sink in, then said it again. "You should be _thanking_ me! And the other thing I'm tired of, is hearing about you girls talking behind mine and Corena's backs, and I'm not gonna have it."

The whole school must have been listening to this because I could see people piling up outside the door, looking into the room. And Tammy was just warming up. She took a couple steps forward to where she was almost on top of us, and in a slightly lower voice, said, "Who do you think you are, sitting around here criticizing me and my family? 'Cuz all I see are a bunch of sluts and potheads who can't even come to school on time. And you think I'm gonna let you sit here and criticize ME?" Then, bringing out her thirsty bird scream, she yelled, "I MADE this school!!...You should be THANKING me...YOU should be thanking me, your PARENTS should be thanking me, and NOBODY has a right to criticize!" and she slammed her fist down on the table.

"That's enough, Tammy." The voice that came from behind Tammy sounded calm and confident. It was Ms. Strauss. She was standing at the front of the room, kind of hunched over with her arms hanging at her sides. But she was turned so that I could only see her good eye, and it was pointed right at Tammy, giving her a cold stare.

Tammy got this cross-eyed look on her face, turned to Ms. Strauss and asked, "What?"

Ms. Strauss said, "Not in my classroom. That's not how you talk to kids."

With a look of disbelief, Tammy said, "Why don't you stay out of this, Ms. Strauss, and worry about doing your job."

Tammy turned back towards us, but Ms. Strauss said, "No. You're not talking to kids that way in my classroom. It's wrong and unprofessional. They're _children,_ and you're reprimanding them in front of everyone."

Tammy turned on her and said, "Let me remind you. This is not your classroom. It's _my_ classroom, and you better mind your own business, you old hag."

She turned back to us once more, but Ms. Strauss raised her voice and said, "They're _children,_ Tammy. You're talking to _children!_ "

Tammy pointed at Ms. Strauss and said, "I'm warning you..."

I blurted out, "I don't feel like a child."

"Shut up, Macy," snapped Tammy, pointing at me. But it was true. Right then, I didn't feel anything close to being a child anymore than Tammy seemed like she was an adult.

Ms. Strauss went on, "I'm not going to let you talk to kids like this..."

"And you shut up, too!" yelled Tammy, wheeling around towards Ms. Strauss.

"I won't shut up," said Ms. Strauss. "It's wrong. You're way over the line..."

"That's IT!" screamed Tammy. "Your FIRED. Get your stuff and get out, right now. We're done with you." She stood there frozen, staring at Ms. Strauss, waiting to see if Ms. Strauss had anything else to say. Ms. Strauss just stared back at Tammy like she didn't know what to do.

Then Tammy turned, looked right at me, and said, "And Yooouuu, Macy Carpenter...I read your essay. Oh, yeah. And we're gonna take care of you. I don't know who you think you are judging me, you little slut. Who are you to question my Christianity? And what makes you think you can write that kind of garbage on a computer in MY school?"

I was shocked. She'd read my essay. I felt fear race through me and then dread and sat motionless, feeling my stomach churning. Tammy was glaring at me, looking sad and angry all at the same time. She was standing with one hand on her hip and mashing her lips together like she was waiting for me to speak and trying not to scream. I was watching her face and thinking about what I should say to defend myself while the question kept running through my head, "But how did she read my essay?"

I heard Ms. Strauss starting to protest again, saying, "I'm not gonna have it. It's wrong, Tammy..." but Tammy just ignored her.

Then I heard myself say, "I'll judge anyone I want."

"No you won't, not ME," said Tammy, shaking her head.

She was breathing heavy, but she'd lowered her voice some, which gave me confidence. I thought to myself, _Well, she's already read my essay. What can happen?_

I said, "Look at all the problems you've caused. Look at the people you've hurt. And we have to sit here all day and deal with it." My voice sounded weak at first, but I went on, "Ms. Strauss is right. We're supposed to be children. We're not supposed to see all this crap day in and day out."

Tammy's whole face started to curl up like she was confused. She closed her eyes, threw her head back, and started shaking it back and forth. She said, "What the hell are you talking about?"

And that got me—this fucking game they're always playing where they act like they don't know what you're talking about. I was thinking, _She'd read my essay. How can she not know?_ I felt rage rising in me, the kind of rage where words are forming in your mind way faster than you can speak them—where you don't even have to think about what you're saying, and it all just starts pouring out. I jumped up out of my chair and yelled, "Your SCHOOL, Tammy. YOUR school. That's what I'm talking about. You're the one who made it the way it is, and all the problems here are YOUR fault—every one of them! And it's not just me who's judging you. Everyone is. They're just too scared to say anything."

She leaned back and made this horrendous face, like she was so fucking appalled, and said, "Where do you get off talking that way to me?"

I said, "Because I can see it, Tammy, every danm day. And don't act like you don't know. You know. That's why you're always hiding in your office. That's why you're always sending other people to do your dirty work. It's why you and Corena didn't even come to school for a whole week—because you knew what you did was WRONG!"

She waved her hand through the air at me like she was irritated and said, "Why don't you just shut up and sit down," and she started to turn away.

And that's when I knew. I was getting to her. She knew that what I was saying was right, and she didn't wanna hear it—and for some reason, knowing that sent me into a blind rage. I heard myself scream—it sounded unnatural, like an animal, like one of those yip dogs on the end of chain trying to tear something apart that's five feet away. I screamed, "You're destroying people! You're destroying people, Tammy. You're destroying kids before they even have a chance to grow up!"

"Shut up," she snapped, and something changed in her face.

I could feel tears flowing down my cheeks and my whole body shaking.

I said, "You _are_ Tammy."

"SHUT UP!"

"It's not even a school, it's a..."

She lunged forward with her finger stuck out in front of her like a weapon, shaking it at me, and yelling, "SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!"

Suddenly, Corena came running into the room, crying and screaming in some kind of hysteria. Her face was all red, she was waving her hands in the air, and her voice sounded like a high-pitched, snot-filled screech. She ran up to her mom and said, "Why-are-you-doing-this-stay-out-of-my-life-you-have-no-business-yelling-at-my-friends-I-want-you-out-I-hate-you-why-don't-you-get-out-of-here!" And the words just came out without any spaces in between, like they were shooting out of a garden hose. Then, as if somebody had thrown a switch, Tammy flew at Corena and started screaming back at her, and it turned into a shower of chaotic, squealing noise.

I stood there watching through my tears, watching Tammy bare her teeth and stick her finger in her daughter's face, watching her lean forward on the balls of her feet with her upper body swelling up and looking like she was about to reach out with both hands and start choking Corena. And now, with their heads shaking, and both their faces turning red, and saliva coming out of their mouths, and their hands flying in the air, I felt the room starting to spin. It seemed like the building had come alive and was starting to vibrate, as if the entire school had somehow become united with Tammy—and was now beginning to sway and creek. It seemed to speak to me, saying, "Get out. Get the fuck out. Run as fast as you can." And I started to get a feeling that, at any moment, Tammy was gonna bring the whole building crashing down on us. I wanted to run. I wanted to get out before it happened, but there were too many people standing in the doorway, and I was frozen with fear.

Then suddenly, Corena stopped yelling at her mom. She let out a big, bellowing sob, turned and plowed her way through the crowd of people in the doorway, and ran out of the room. Tammy stood there for a moment, then went chasing after Corena, and when she got to the doorway, the crowd of kids parted to let her through. I could hear Tammy yelling at Corena down the hallway, but the sound grew more distant as she moved toward the offices. Then there was silence.

It was quiet—real quiet for that place. Usually, after something like that happened, kids would be busting up and getting crump, but this time it was different—there was no noise, just the smell of hot bodies. I could feel my chest heaving up and down and feel my heart beating fast, pounding in my ears. It was a strange moment as I stood there wondering what we were all listening to, wondering why everyone was so quiet. Then, as I gazed around the room, I realized what it was—because they were all staring at me. I was still standing in the same spot where I yelled at Tammy. My arms were hanging at my sides, and I could feel my hands squeezed into tight fists. Seemed like the only noise in the whole room was my own breathing—loud and heavy, like I'd just run a race. That's why they were so quiet, I thought. It was me. I guess they were all wondering what I was gonna do next.

I looked over at Ms. Strauss, who was busy stacking books and papers on her desk like she was getting ready to leave. I heard Mr. Moss in the doorway, telling everyone that lunch was over and that it was time to go to class. I noticed no one was moving. I heard Chelsea, who was sitting behind me, whisper something in her motherly, southern twang voice, something like, "You did a good job, Macy," and then Lori saying, "Yeah...yeah, that was great." Then I saw Hope sitting in the corner. She was looking right at me, looking me right in the eyes with no emotion on her face and giving me a dead cold stare. I felt confusion ringing in my ears...I couldn't figure it out...it was as if...as if what I had done was...and that's when I knew I had to get out of there.

I started moving towards the door, trying not to hurry but wanting to real bad. The floor felt hard under my feet, and the air felt dense as I made my way between the tables. When I got to the doorway, just as they'd done for Tammy, the crowd of kids parted to let me through. I walked through the crowd, feeling their breath on me and their stares, and I felt claustrophobic and creepy all over. I started walking down the hall, feeling nervous and agitated, feeling like I needed to get out of the building, right away, before something stopped me. It was like I was in one of those dreams where you're trying to get somewhere and the harder you try to get there, the farther away it seems. As I moved down the hall, I could feel the eyes of students and teachers on my back, watching me, judging me, and I started to walk faster. Then I saw Mrs. Garrison standing outside of her classroom with her head cocked to the side, looking concerned, but I ignored her and went on by. I was almost to the double doors, beyond those were the offices and the front doors of the school. I was running now, not thinking about what I was doing or why. But then, as I approached the double doors, I could see Tammy through the glass, standing in front of her office with her arms crossed, scowling. I felt myself slow down. Then I felt a flash of hatred in my stomach, and I sped up, my body aching to lash out. As I pushed through the doors, words began pouring from my mouth.

I yelled, "This school isn't the only thing you screwed up, Tammy!" I stopped walking and stood there feeling exhilarated. I looked right at her and said, "Maybe you should take a look at that girl inside your office and ask yourself how she became such a FREAK?"

Tammy sucked in air, making a choking noise in her throat. I watched her mouth drop open and her eyes grow big. At the same time, I heard a high pitched scream come from inside the office. Tammy was turning red. She gritted her teeth at me and sneered, "YOUUU!!!...Then she charged me. She put her fist up in the air, brought it down on top of my head, and started swinging at me wildly. At first I covered up by putting my arms in front of my face and bowing my head. All her punches were landing on my arms and head and not causing much damage. I thought she would stop, I was waiting for her to stop, but she didn't, and it seemed to go on for a long time. Then I felt something move in me like it always does when you're in a fight and you know there's only one way out. I came up swinging and landed four or five jabs right in her face, which sent her stumbling backwards. I pulled back my fist and tried to take a big chunk out of her, but I missed because she was still moving backwards. So I stepped forward and, just as she caught her balance, I landed one right on her nose, sending her back on her heels. I took another step forward and was ready to let fly when Kearns grabbed me from behind and pulled me away. At the same time, Mrs. Bouchard jumped in front of Tammy and grabbed her, causing Tammy to let out a terrific scream. I didn't struggle with Kearns. I let him pull me away, and so after a moment, he let go of me, and I stood there watching Tammy.

She had blood running out of her nose and down her chin. She was pointing at me and screaming hysterically to the point where her voice was going hoarse. Her hands had turned into claws that tore and scratched at Mrs. Bouchard as she tried to get around her. Her face had turned into something I didn't even recognize, something hideous and sad. And her eyes had grown so big and white, they looked like they might fall out of her head. She looked like she'd lost her mind. She started slapping at Mrs. Bouchard, saying "Get your hands off of me. Let go of me. Let me go!" Then she started reaching out for me, yelling, "Come here. Come here, you bitch. I'm gonna kill you..." and even though I wasn't anywhere close to her, I felt myself take a step backward. Finally, Mrs. Bouchard grabbed Tammy around the chest and picked her up, just like she was picking up a four-year-old throwing a tantrum, and carried her into the office.

And now, just inside the office door, I could see Corena. She was standing there with her mouth hanging open, her eyes were glazed over, and she had this dreamy look on her face, almost like she was smiling, like she was in shock. Mr. Moss walked over and shut the office door, but you could still hear Tammy screaming inside.

Kearns put his hand on my shoulder and said, "Why don't you go to my classroom, Macy," but I turned and started walking towards the front doors of the school.

He reached out and grabbed my arm, but I yanked my arm away and said, "Get your hands off of me, Kearns. I don't have to go to your room."

I kept walking and he followed behind, saying, "Come on, Macy, you can't leave," but he was dead wrong, because that was the one thing I was for sure gonna do. I was walking out of that psycho, toxic waste dump of a school, and I knew, after I left, I was never coming back. Because, you see, school isn't a prison with bars. It's a prison of relationships. And seeing how I was sixteen years old, I'd decided to end that relationship right then and there. When I got to the front doors, I leaned forward and, with all my might, banged the bar with both hands. The door swung open and I walked out of the building.

It was bright outside and the air smelled cool and fresh. I took deep breaths and felt blood flowing through my arms and legs. I kept moving, heading towards the parking lot, not knowing where I was going but just wanting to get away. I could feel a ton of emotion breaking loose inside me and rising up through my chest. I knew what was coming—a big cry—and I wanted to be as far away from that school as I could be when that happened. Kearns was walking behind me, still trying to talk to me and telling me I should come back inside. I felt irritation and anger race through my veins. I turned on him and yelled, "I'm never going back in that building again, ever!" He stopped walking and stared at me like he was scared to come closer. Then I saw a sad look come over his face, and he turned and walked back inside.

I walked between the cars, across the gravel, and between some more cars until I was standing next to the muddy cornfield at the edge of the parking lot. I just wanted to go home. That's all I wanted. It seemed more important than anything, at that moment, that I should get to my house. And I had that feeling like I could be there in just a few minutes if I kept moving, even though I knew it'd take over a half hour to walk home. But I also knew that, sixteen or not, soon as I left the campus, they'd probably call the police, and the police were the last people I wanted to deal with. I still had my cell phone in my pocket from lunch, so I pulled it out and called my mom.

I waited, listening to her phone ringing, feeling anxious, almost panicked, thinking that she might not pick up. When she finally answered, I burst into tears and said, "Mom, you gotta come pick me up right now, 'cause I gotta get out of here."

She asked, "What's going on? Are you at school?"

"Yeah!...Mom, you either come get me or I'm gonna start walking."

"Oh no. You're staying at school. Are you in trouble again?"

"No!!!" I yelled, "Just come pick me up, now!...Really!"

"Well, I need to know what happened. Why are you crying?"

"I can't explain right now. Just come get me." I was crying so hard I could hardly talk.

"Well, I can't just leave work and..."

"Please, Mom, I need you. You've got to do this. You don't have a choice."

"Jesus, Macy, what the hell's going on?"

"Aaeeeeyyy!!" I screamed. I was so frustrated and fucking angry, I wanted to throw my phone.

I said, "Pleeeeaaase!"

"Macy! You gotta explain to me what the problem is..."

"Pleeeaaase, Mom, Pleeeeaaase..."

She said, "Oh, god. All right." She sounded pissed. "I'll be there, but this time, I'm gonna find out exactly what happened...Dammit!" and she hung up the phone.

I leaned up against a car and started wiping the tears out of my eyes. I was thinking to myself, _It's finally over,_ hoping it was over. Then I saw Mr. Moss come out of the building and start walking towards me. As I watched him crossing the parking lot, I knew what he was gonna say and what he was gonna try to do. And that's when I realized just how angry I still was.

He walked up to me and said, "Are you all right, Macy?" but he used a tone of voice that made me think he didn't care.

"Go to hell!" I said

He said, "Macy, let's go back inside so we can talk about this." When he said that, I wanted to pop him because it was always the same with these fools trying to set things right for Tammy, always trying to clean up her mess.

I said, "Leave me the fuck alone."

He said, "Hey, you don't need to talk to me that way." Then he got real stern and started using his discipline officer voice, saying, "What you need to do right now, is come back inside and cool off..."

I screamed, "I'm not doing it, and you can't make me! I'm waiting for my mom." Then I stepped towards him, stuck my finger in his face, and said, "You can't get me in trouble anymore. You wanna suspend me, expel me, then you can talk to my mom when she shows up. But you motherfuckers aren't in charge of me anymore. You're not up to the job!"

He pushed my hand out of his face. Then he leaned forward, puffed himself up, and said, "Hey, I know you got problems with Tammy, but this is still a school, and you're our responsibility..."

"Responsible for what? Don't give me that shit. It's all Tammy's fault, and all of you stand by and let it happen—because you're weak and scared, and you know it! So bug off, Moss!" I turned away from him. Then I had another thought, and I turned back around and said, "Or why don't you call the police, seeing how I'm supposed to be in there, but I'm out here. Why don't you call the police, or do you want me to do it for you? How 'bout I do that, right now."

He said, "Relax, Macy..."

I said, "No, it's not a problem. I've got my cell phone right here." I watched him turn and start walking back towards the school, shaking his head.

I leaned back on the car again and felt my body shaking. I just wanted it to be over. I wanted to be so fucking far away from that place and I felt like, not until then, would I be able to calm down. Then I thought I was gonna be sick. I took deep breaths and tried to breath slowly, but I was still so angry. And being out there in the parking lot by myself with no one to yell at, I felt like waves of adrenaline were surging through my body. I wanted to run or smash something or burst out of the invisible cage that I felt was all around me. I jumped away from the car and banged my hand down on the hood as hard as I could. Then I started stomping around in the gravel, holding my hand in pain. For a moment, I was afraid I'd just broken it, and I held it for a while, cussing. Then, as the pain started to go away, I bent over, put my hands on my knees, and started bawling. Tears were pouring out of my eyes onto the ground, and I felt a terrible sadness coming on. I started asking myself, "What have I done? What have I done?..." Then I started seeing snapshots of the people in the building, of Mr. Moss, and Kearns, and Ms. Strauss, and the other teachers, and then Corena with tears running down her face looking confused and helpless, and Hope giving me that cold stare. And as each new person entered my mind, I felt a rush of guilt and regret, like I'd just done something really bad. And as I hid there, doubled over behind the car, sniffling and blinking and feeling the tears drying on my cheeks and new tears dripping off the end of my nose, I felt embarrassment and shame. I felt like there were a whole lot of people inside that building hating my guts right then. And I was still so angry. I could feel it, deep down, gnawing away at my bones.

When my mom arrived, I walked over to where she was parking the car, and by the time I got there, I was crying again. She got out and put her arms around me. I started sobbing, and I let her hug me for a long time. I tried to explain to her what happened, but I couldn't because all the emotion started coming back.

She said, "You don't have to explain, Macy. I already called Gina Bouchard, and she told me what happened. Why don't you wait here, and I'm gonna go talk to them." Then she asked, "You gonna be okay?" and I nodded my head. She started to walk away, but then she turned back around, grabbed me by the shoulders and said, "You're my little girl, Macy, and I love you. I really do. And we're gonna take care of this."

All I could say was, "Okay."

She gave me another hug and said, "It's gonna be all right, honey," and something about the way she said it made me want to believe her. I watched her march across the parking lot up to the front doors of the school and go inside. I remember thinking how brave she was when I saw her going into that building. Because, right then, it looked to me like she was walking through the gates of Hell.

I opened the door of my mom's car, climbed into the passenger seat, leaned my head back against the headrest, and closed my eyes. Then I felt my mind go numb. It wasn't my problem anymore, it was my mom's, and I was so relieved to let her deal with it. I sat there wiping my eyes, feeling the tension starting to leave my body. It was quiet and peaceful, and I could feel myself sliding back into that same zoned-out state I was in when I first came to school that day, where my mind was free. I listened to the wind blowing between the cars and the voices of elementary kids playing on the playground. I remember the sound of those kids. It was relaxing, like the sound of birds chirping in the trees, and I wanted to stay right there feeling that way for a long time. Then I heard a noise, and when I looked, I saw an old, rusted minivan creeping out of the parking lot. It was Ms. Strauss. She didn't see me sitting there. She was hunched over the steering wheel, staring straight ahead with that same mean expression on her face that I saw on the first day I met her.

I sat there for a long time, waiting. I even put the seat back and turned sideways and got comfortable, hoping to take a nap. But I couldn't sleep and, after a while, I began to wonder what was going on inside the school. Then I heard another noise and saw a cop car pull into the parking lot and two officers get out and go inside. That got me curious, and I shifted in my seat so I could keep my eyes on the front of the school. Next, I saw Corena come flying out of the building, jump in her car, and go tearing out of the parking lot with a cloud of dust swirling behind her.

I waited some more. Finally, after what seemed like an hour, I saw one of the doors swing open and my mom come marching out. I watched her stomp across the gravel talking to herself, and I could tell she was pissed. She yanked open the door, hopped behind the wheel, slammed the door, and said, "Those goddamn cops. They're too fucking scared to put handcuffs on Tammy. They're gonna let her drive herself down to the police station to be charged." She jammed on the gas, and our car was throwing rocks all over the place as we started to leave the parking lot. Then just as quickly, she jammed on the brakes and said, "Shit...I gotta go get Justin. Wait here."

~~~End~~~
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