Welcome, future educators!
Go ahead, take a seat.
Now, you should have gone to the bathroom before you came in here.
Otherwise, you're dead to me.
But, without further ado, let's get started with today's lesson:
On the first day of school, you're gonna wanna introduce yourself to the class.
Now, make sure to use your very specific title that you prefer such as Doctor or Mister or Professor...
And then, for the rest of the semester, when anybody calls you anything OTHER than that specified title...
You need to get very upset and angry with them.
"I didn't spend SIX YEARS getting my doctorate just so you could call me
MISTER Professor Johnson."
Now that you've introduced yourself, it's time to kick off the class by...
Uncomfortably misusing a common, youthful phrase.
Give it a shot!
"Okay, okay, I hope you all had a nice weekend.
"I had my brother up from Colorado and we had just a little bit of that
""Netflix and Chill" time, if you know what I mean.
"So it was a pretty good weekend!"
Ah, perfect!
Now, it's off to the whiteboard for today's lesson.
You're gonna wanna leave 8 to 15 DEAD markers on the whiteboard tray at all times throughout the semester and never throw any of them out.
Every time you go to demonstrate a new thing,
You're gonna wanna go through about six of them before you find one that actually works.
Looks like you found your money marker!
Now, at this point in time, you're gonna wanna turn to the class and say the obligatory phrase
Then turn back to the board and proceed to draw the most grotesque and childlike representation
Of even the simplest objects.
Well done! I can't even begin to tell you what that might be!
Now it's time to fire up the projector and show a video to the class.
Even though you use the exact same equipment in the exact same classroom every single day of your professional life,
Each time you set up the projector, it should feel like you're helplessly lost looking at a brand new piece of equipment that you've never seen before.
Once you get that tricky projector hooked up,
You're gonna wanna make sure the very first screen that pops up in front of the class
Is the Inbox folder of your email.
Now, when this happens,
You're gonna wanna pretend like it would be the absolute WORST THING IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD
If anybody in the class got a look at your email for even a second.
"Now the mitochondria is the power-HO!"
*Over-exaggerated grunting and flailing*
"Ah. Hoo! Ha."
Great performance! That was very necessary!
Now that you've closed out of that spooky email folder, it's time to start the video.
This is the point in time when you're gonna wanna make sure the volume is turned all the way up on the classroom speakers
So it blows them out every time you start.
"ONE OF THE MOST AMAZING FUNCTIONS OUR  BODIES PERFORM IS DONE WITHIN AN ORGANELLE CALLED THE MITOCHONDRIA.
"THIS FUNCTION, AEROBIC RESPIRATION--"
*Exasperated sigh*
Now, that YouTube video is up and running and it's starting off with a skippable 2 minute ad.
But remember, for us professors,
Skippable ads mean Unskippable ads
Watch the whole thing in front of your classroom.
Now that the real YouTube video is underway,
Just remember that you can click anywhere on the screen to pause and play the video.
Always move the mouse slowly and meticulously down to the bottom left hand corner
To click the pause or play button whenever you want to make a point during the video.
Once you're done making your point,
Leave the cursor hanging there so that it doesn't disappear for the rest of the video.
Alright, looks like you've run out of material for the day--
But wait!
There are still 23 minutes left of class.
Never, under any circumstance, should you ever let your students out when there's still time left in class.
It doesn't matter if they have useful things to do and you've got nothing useful left to teach.
Why don't you make up a contrived icebreaker or some impromptu study session?
Now that's it.
Now's about the time when you can kick up your feet
Because you know what?
You just learned How to Be a Professor.
