*Music*
*Caugh*
'Kingsman in the golden circle' or 'the golden circle' or something
It's a sequel to a movie called Kingsman: The Secret Service
I guess we'll talk about that movie first since I've never talked about it. I like that movie a lot. It's a modern-day
Spoof on spy movies while at the same time
Putting it's own spin on it. Matthew Vaughn is of course the guy who made kick-ass
And he's made one of the greatest movies ever made. I can't remember the name of it, but it has a
Michelle Pfeiffer as a witch. That movie's awesome.
*music*
*music*
But if you've seen any of his movies
You know he has a very distinct style lots of sweeping camera shots
lots of loud music and fighting and blood and gore
except for the witch movie that he made and Kingsman incorporates all of these elements, it parodies spy movies
And on top of it all has really phenomenal action scenes that are gruesome
But not too gruesome to where it becomes disturbing. It's
fun can't be violence kind of like a Tarantino thing and you got really great performances and really fun characters in it
There's of course the guy who plays Eggsy
He's not great
but you know what he's an up-and-comer underdog character who has to learn to become a spy after being like a
Gangsta - a British gangsta for all these years. You got a strong female character
You got Mark Strong who's funny in it. You got Colin Firth who's
Fantastic in it and has the best action scene maybe ever and then you got Sam Jackson who plays an amazing villain, very "against" type
He has the plan of a Bond villain
He has the kind of persona of a Bond villain
But he hates violence, and he had the little lisp which just adds to his character so much. He's playing not only a parody of
These James Bond
Evil villains that are over-the-top. He's going against his usual casting as Sam Jackson
Sam Jackson always plays Sam Jackson basically and that he actually plays a character.
(Sam Jackson)  great choise,  but nothing beats two cheeseburgers with secret sauce.
Classic pairing, and may I suggest Twinkies to a 1937 Chateau a cabin (?) for pudding. I like it.
So now we got Kingsman And The Golden Circle or Kingsman: The Golden Circle - whatever it's called and
There's a few components that were key to the success of
Kingsman that are already missing
First there is no
Colin Firth and the trailer they put Colin Firth in there
because people want to see Colin Firth because he's the best part and
sadly he
He is not utilized in this film that much. We will go into that later though. Another thing missing is of course Sam Jackson
Who him and Colin Firth basically made the movie and the third thing you have is this
Kind of sweet underdog story about a young British gangsta
Becoming a badass spy. Becoming the James Bond type and at the end he gets the girl
And he saves the day and it's over-the-top and it's silly and it's goofy
But it's fun. It's fun, and there is this great satirical edge to it
and there are lots of really funny jokes lots of smart and
unique action scenes and lots of appropriate
Style. I watched it a few months ago, and it's so good movie. It's not great. It's not a masterpiece so don't expect that
But it's certainly
much better than this. So now: Kingsman And The Golden Circle...
I Guess let's go through a few good things first before I let my fucking rage out. I think on a purely technical
Level there are some good
Shots in this movie. I think there's some fun
Action stuff toward the beginning - there was a car chase
They show a little bit of it in the trailer, and I thought that was neat
It was a little confusing at times, a little over the top, but it's Kingsman
It's supposed to be over the top, I forgave it. There is a great action scene at the end
(Horrible music in the background) That is ruined by horrible music, but we won't get into that
That's a whole other thing in terms of how it was shot. It was cool
Okay, so there are the complements I have for it. It's all. It's very few compliments
but that's
This movie which I was extremely looking forward to and which already had such a
Place in my heart to be like you know what be forgiving of this
it's it's a fun spy movie, and you love spy movies and you love fun movies I
I struggle to find
Anything I liked about it. I thought this movie was
Absolutely horrible in basically every way. I thought the music was fucking terrible
I thought the song choices for action scenes were terrible
I thought all the action scenes lacked weight all of the performances here are bad all of the characters are OneNote and
Predictable and poorly acted the villain sucks the heroes suck
Colin Firth has nothing to do
Halle Berry has nothing to do some of the best characters from the last film are killed off
For no reason the only one I think was trying was Mark Strong
I think he was trying to make this movie work, and he even he wasn't very good
So I guess we got to go through. I don't even know where to start honestly I
I
really hated this movie I
Hated it from start to end. I thought it was the most pandering
obvious cheap lazy piece of shit
So let's start with the comedy
so this this Kingsman decides to go the route where we're gonna be so ridiculous that it's funny and
It was like watching an Adam Sandler movie it there's this movie Adam Sandler was in
My friend told me about where he plays a spy or something and I can imagine it's probably just like
Kings Ben Golden Circle the jokes in here are so bad. It's like an eight-year-old robot
It's like an eight-year-old wrote this script
The plot doesn't make any fucking sense at all characters have nothing to do and the humor is just a horrible
juvenile the the running joke of this movie is
Elton John is in it
Julianne Moore kidnapped, Elton John and Elton John plays music
And he dresses up silly in it
And he plays piano for Julianne Moore in every scene she's in and she has ten scenes
tensing to this character that only needed
maybe two scenes to explain who she was and she is not nearly as interesting as Sam Jackson in Kingsman and
And she just spends her whole time in this one location this horrible fifties themes like drug
Cartel headquarters, but it doesn't make any sense why it's 50 steams and again
It's just Elton John Elton John keeps showing up, Elton John
I swear to God has more to do in this movie
Than Colin Firth does so if you're a big fan of Elton John
Then I highly recommend this movie because he's probably the main character
He didn't have jokes. He didn't tell jokes his joke was look
It's Elton John, and then there's a scene where Elton John takes someone in the face
And he looks in the camera like oh look. It's Elton John isn't it funny, and it's like no
What's the joke here is the joke that Elton John kicked someone, and he's dressed like a peacock
Okay, great all of the wit all of the the satirical edge of Kingsman
Which is what made it so unique is completely missing in this movie. I can see the comments right now
Growth I know this movie doesn't make any sense and the plot is stupid and it has horrible cliche lines of dialogue that feel like
They're written by a five-year-old, but
Kingsman is
Self-aware they know that they're making fun of spy movies and so they're trying to emulate that same style
Okay, that's what the first one did this movie does not do that at all instead of making fun of these elements it just
Embraces them and does them just flat-out with no wit or comedy to it
They just made a bad movie with a lazy script, and it's full of cliches
and it's full of horrible one-liners, and it's full of it's just fucking I
There's so much wrong with the script here. I can't even begin to explain
Every little thing there are so many scenes where it just doesn't work at all. There is a scene in this movie. I
Hated the scene like every scene in this movie, but I hated this scene probably
the third or fourth most
Which gives you a sense of how many awful scenes there are on this movie, so there is a scene in this movie where?
um
Eggsy the main character has to go to some like woodstock like concert and hook up with this girl
So cuz this girl is the boyfriend of a guy who has a metal arm who works for Julianne Moore?
so he what he has to do is put a tracker on her that listens into her conversations and
Tracks wherever. She goes, but the catch is the way to insert this tracking device into her is
into her vagina
That's the joke so
Eggsy has to have sex with this girl
too to get
the
Tracker into her and it goes nowhere
There is no joke in that scene the joke is oxz has to have sex with her
And he doesn't want to because he has a girlfriend back at home
Can we talk about that too so the?
Woman from the last movie the princess he had anal sex with at the end of Kingsman
You know that character that was introduced like the last ten minutes of the movie
She's a major character in this movie eggsy and her now dating
Why I don't know I always took it as eggsy would be like this James Bond
Type character who has this you know other love interest throughout the whole thing
But he never really gets with her because he's not ready to commit to her relationship
so he just kind of has sex with random women and one of them happened to be the princess of
Sweden and so the princess of Sweden is his girlfriend in this movie
And I thought it was funny at first like but no they genuinely love each other in scenes that were not well developed at all
and he calls her when he's about to have sex with this woman so that he could put a tracking device in her and
and calls his girlfriend the princess and
says
Hey, honey. I'm gonna have sex with a woman now because they hate to put a tracking device in her and you're like
Why are you calling her about this every decision the characters made were so dumb and again people who want to defend this movie
I don't know why they would will say oh well the movie knew it was
Doing these silly things because it's self-aware and it's like no it wasn't it was just
lazy
colin firth in this movie
Has amnesia?
Yeah, that cliche - at least half of this movie Colin Firth is doing nothing
But just moping around in a room
He wants to study butterflies apparently instead of be the character. You know that we know from the last one
It's not till halfway through where he decides he wants to be Colin Firth's character from the original Kingsman again
And then even then he does absolutely nothing
He doesn't do any action stuff. That's cool. He doesn't have any funny lines of dialogue
He's just nothing like most characters in this movie. They just do nothing Halle Berry in this movie is
terrible
She has nothing to do
She's the woman on the laptop who just types and goes like you need to go here. You need to go here
Why did you get Halle Berry for this role?
Why is Jeff Bridges in this movie Channing Tatum does nothing his only action scene is fighting off?
Colin Firth and eggsy for literally a minute and that scene sucked, and then the rest of the movie
Channing Tatum has cocaine apparently and then it makes him sick, and he goes in a freezing pod
And that was it so I guess I'm gonna get into spoilers now
Don't see this movie. I don't feel bad about spoiling this at all
This is a terrible terrible movie
And you should not watch it so the plot of the movie is Julianne Moore
One is the wants to be taken seriously as a business woman so she poisons all the drugs in the world and says
Mr.. President you're gonna make all these drugs legal
Otherwise I'm going to kill everyone with the drugs
I made, and then we get introduced to this great element which is gonna. Take a while to explain
The the President of the United States is an evil man. He's he's a bad guy
He wants to kill everyone so that there is no more drug trading in
America basically he says, I'm just gonna let Julianne Moore kill everyone because
Then all of the criminals will be defeated, and then his vice president. I assume is his vice president
Is a woman
Who kind of looks like Hillary Clinton?
And that's what I knew this woman is going to be the president at the end of the movie
That's what a really bad pandering movie would do but that's probably what they're gonna
do I'm sure enough at the end of the movie the evil president is foiled and
The woman takes charge of the office and says oh the president is now impeached
So so what's the point of that?
It's this I I really can't even do justice to how pandering and stupid
It was because it's not even as if they're making a political statement. It's just like oh
The president's evil he wants to kill everyone in the country who does drugs
Including the Hillary Clinton look-alike if if you're sick at all he tells you to go to this stadium
And then they put you in a cage and they put this like stack you on this
Like giant assembly line of cages and they keep you there. Just to die off because the president just wants you to die
I don't mind
Well, actually I do mind all these dumb movies trying to get political
but they have nothing to say they just want to pander to a demographic of people and
It's like what point are you trying to make?
Matthew Vaughn have you ever even been to America?
Do you know what anything is like here?
It doesn't seem like he does because also throughout this whole movie
The fact that the the gimmick is in America the American version of Kingsman
We drink whiskey and we wear a cowboy hats and we all have southern accents and we all listen the western country music
Welcome to statement independent intelligence agency
American cousins how can I help you Colby? I must say the world situation here every action scene in this movie
In the second half of this movie anyway has some embarrassing bad
country
Music over it you're ruining. The only good scenes you have with terrible music
It was so obvious like oh these are Kingsman
But they're in America so they have whips they all talk like this they all have southern accents like this
The British Kingsman aren't portrayed in such like a radical cartoonish way theory
They're not fucking eating tea and crumpets every scene they're not like these ridiculous caricatures
They're just guys who
Dress in suits and act fancy because they're classy
But Channing Tatum comes out with the cowboy boots and the cowboy hat and a leather jacket no character
Has an arc they don't learn anything about each other most of them are just
Just in scenes scenes that mean nothing
Half of this movie can be cut out
Because half of these characters don't serve a purpose at all and then what's worse the only strong female
Character from the last movie is killed off in a scene. That's so uneventful
You're like did you really just kill this important character. I it was so uneventful. I thought oh
She's gonna come back later
But she didn't she just died and that was it so there's movies trying to put on this like oh look how progressive
We are we have this woman become the president after this evil president steps down
but every
Female character in this movie is the helpless victim?
and they don't do anything to help or further the story along Halle Berry and this does nothing the
vice-president woman who becomes a present at the end does nothing she just
She does cocaine and gets sick and then gets put in the cages by the Donald Trump look-alike president
What an Julianne Moore is this horrible evil bitch with robot dogs?
And then we get into the other problem with this movie the visual effects in this movie are horrendous
Nothing feels real all the action is so phony and you could forgive it if it was at least fun
But you don't like these characters
And you're not having a good time so in the end you just don't care at all she has to
Robot dogs and like a robot who works in the salon
Who has a grenade grenade launcher at the end of the movie and she just gets blown up out of nowhere?
I don't know. Why Matthew Vaughn doesn't realize
Fighting robots is boring I'd rather see Colin Firth plow through 20 guys
Rather than just fight one or two robot dogs and of course?
Colin Firth can't defeat these robot dogs on his own
He needs Elton John to come in and and that help kill the robot dogs
And they both take bowling balls and stomp the dog's head in with the bowling balls
Does it does it sound like I'm describing a real movie?
It sounds like a fucking joke there are some comedy scenes that were okay like Mark Strong drinking. I don't remember
What was funny about it?
I just remember Mark Strong had a few funny lines cuz he was sad that his friends died in the Secret Service
But even the comedy does this movie end because first of all it's terrible like I said
but they keep cutting to these comedy bits and these jokes or
Elton John you got this really cool action scene going on I mean it's not that cool
But it's cooler than everything else in the movie
And then we just cut to Elton John doing some stupid shit or some character has a dumb one-liner
That's like obvious and predictable and just like it makes you fucking cringe in your seat
Hole movies just cringe-worthy there is no tension
Throughout any of it, and you know you know what's gonna happen in the movie
But still I would like the characters to at least take this seriously everything in the first Kingsman is ridiculous
But the characters themselves in the world they were in took it seriously you see that their actions had consequences
Like at the end when the virus breaks out, and everyone's killing each other
They have to save the world and it's immediate the danger is imminent
And then you cut to eggsy's mother and they're hiding in the bathroom as people are busting in and you see that you have this
emotional connection to the event and in this
You just don't care about anything because everyone's a cartoon character
No one takes anything seriously and half of this
Movie is horrible CGI, so there's just you just don't feel anything then we get into the direction
I don't understand how how the guy who made kick-ass?
Could make a movie this fucking bad on
basically every level
I don't understand why he thought it would be a good idea play horrible country music over
These really cool action scenes and just ruin the scene
There are these pointless
transitions that take up 20 seconds or 30 seconds of screen time
where we cut from one location and then we zoom in and it fades into a
forest
And then the forest has to go all the way through
Into the you know the facility where the drug dealers are hanging out
And then we got a pan in through there and then pan through a window and then go through that and then go in this
Room and these fucking scenes go on forever. There's a shot
Where Channing Tatum and eggsy are walking out of?
the
Distillery for whiskey or something and the camera goes back and it goes up
and it goes this way it goes across the field and it goes over the Kingsmen thing and then it goes into the
Ceiling and then it goes through a glass panel in the ceiling and it goes to an office
And then it's like why is this going on forever? This is so style over substance
The only reason these shots exist is because Matthew Vaughn went who these shots look cool
There's no reason for them. They don't tell a story. It's just like oh I could do it so I did and
It just eats away screentime, which could be spent either developing a character. I mean god forbid
They do that because whoever they got to write. This movie is such a bad writer
Maybe it's better to spend 30 seconds on a transition
Yeah, the dialogue in this was awful on top of it the movie starts
And it's just eggsy walking out of the Kingsmen building, and then a guy is there with a robot arm, and he's like oh
Eggsy i'm gonna kill you now
He pulls out a gun and it's like there was no
Setup or tension for any of this like you're just gonna start the movie here
I'm struggling to even find everything wrong with it cuz there's so much and it's such a mess as if
Everything I haven't said so far didn't turn you off this movie is two and a half hours long
And it feels it because again
It's just characters doing things that don't matter to the plot another scene of this character in a room with this character
Just talking about nothing then we got an action scene then we have a reference to the last movie
Oh the fanservice in this this especially really kills
It is that it treats cake the first Kingsman as if it's like a global phenomenon like oh
We're just gonna redo scenes from the first Kingsman
And you're all gonna clap and laugh because you recognize that scene like it's a Marvel movie or something and it's like
Kingsman isn't that big of a deal?
You're on your second movie
They redo the scene literally where Colin Firth says manners maketh man
Do you know what that means?
And let me teach you a lesson
One of the best scenes in the original Kingsman now they just redo it except colin firth messes up and
Then the guy from narcos just kills them with a whip
it's a 2 out of 10 I
really suggest you don't see this movie, but if you do I
Hope you see this - that. It's not it's not mehta. It's not oh look. How clever we are
We're making fun of these old spy movies
it's just a bad spy movie with all of the same cliches and lazy writing and predictability, I'm
shocked that these talented people came together, and this is what they came up with I
Will never see a Kingsman movie again
Because if it's gonna be like this from now on with just horrible pandering nonsense. I have no interest
ever
God there is a lot more to get into while the visuals out is that we are impressive at times
There's so much. Talk about it's mostly a rehash of the original long enough it
Also has a similar theme and elements like a corrupt government turn codes traitors. Etc it
Also, uses John Denver's country road way too often plus
If you haven't noticed this song has been used a lot recently like in million. I'll do the fingering covenant and Logan Love
