Narrator: After attending Aslan’s Council,
the noble oak chose the Great Western Forests
of Narnia to be his dwelling place, and as
a result the trees have been blessed with
height and longevity. But this made survival
a struggle for the common beasts, and as a
result, the slowly became extinct, leaving
but one creature left to face the elements
on his own: the minotaur.
Minotaur: Geez, every year that hole just
gets smaller and smaller.
Narrator:
The Minotaur refused to believe that he was
the only one left. Every day he would spend
hours searching in vain. He always found plenty
of interesting things, but no material item
could ever match a real companion. When he
got tired of searching, he would practice
his black magic to find out, say, who would
be playing Coriakin in the Earthen film adaption
of the Dawn Treader’s Voyage.
Minotaur: Hmm…could be worse.
Narrator: But this wasn’t enough to satisfy
the minotaur’s desire for brain stimulation.
He really needed a companion. So he journeyed
for many days to travel to the very first
tree. It was said that whoever tapped this
sacred tree three times and sung Aslan’s
song would become a witness to a very rare
form of deep magic. The minotaur considered
it to be his only hope. He prepared to speak.
Minotaur: Ahem! I really like Aslan cause
he’s never mean, he sung to life everything
I’ve seen, he made the whole world my latrine!
That’s the thing about Aslan, he’s never
mean. Aslan, you rock! Tash just sucks! If
you just decided to buy some stock, you’d
be a trillionare cause Aslan you rock! One
day I was hiking and what did I see but a
small yellow creature that was very furry,
I looked at the creature and the creature
looked at me, and I said, “You remind me
of Aslan’s knee!” Aslan, you’re no fraud!
You’re almost like a God! Oh wait, you are
one. With ears like a rabbit and eyes like
a hawk, you can do anything cause Aslan you
rock! Yesterday I stuck some rotten beef into
my maw, but it didn’t matter cause Aslan
saw, he sent along a hobo who had no cows
due to drought, the guy reached into my mouth
and pulled it out! Aslan, you’re awesome!
You’re better than my mom! Sorry mom. You
would so win a fight with Captain Spock, cause
you’re just that awesome cause Aslan you
rock! Last night I was praying and I said
just, “Wow! I would love to live with you,
you can take me now,” just as I was almost
hit by a big falling tree, I said, “Thank
you Aslan for saving me!” Aslan, you’re
not tame! You make me look lame!
Hillbilly: Why hello there peoples. I, I’m
a hillbilly.
Minotaur: Well yes, but, what are you doing
here?
Hillbilly: Well I dunno partner, see, I was
just a here tending my pinto beans when suddenly
poof! Here I was.
Minotaur: Well see, I was just worshipping
Aslan…
Hillbilly: See, that’s another thing. Minotaurs
aren’t good folks. Minotaurs are evil! Why
in tarnations would someone like you be worshipping
Aslan?
Minotaur: Well maybe cause I’m not stupid.
Seriously, who in their right mind wouldn’t
worship Aslan? As for me being evil, just,
geez! Talk about profiling.
Hillbilly: It’s ok, I forgive you for being
evil because I think you found one of the
rare chasms between your world and mine.
Narrator: The minotaur was getting depressed,
because having a companion was not at all
what he thought it would be like. He decided
to talk with the hillbilly about something
he thought they were both interested in.
Minotaur: So hillbilly, have you heard about
some of the casting announcements yet?
Hillbilly: What, for the Narnia documentaries?
Minotaur: The Narnia films.
Hillbilly: Whatever.
Minotaur: Anyway, what do you think of this
guy playing Coriakin?
Hillbilly: What? No no no no no, that’s
not how C. S. Lewis described Coriakin. C.
S. Lewis described Coriakin like this!
Minotaur: Um..
Hillbilly: Hey, my 60 years of graduate school
were spent studying theology, not art, ok?
Narrator: The minotaur had had enough, so
he told the hillbilly to just stay and relax
where he was. Once again on top of the old
sacred tree, the minotaur bellowed…
Minotaur: Aslan! Why couldn’t you have sent
me a girl minotaur?
Narrator: Then he was reminded that there
were no girl minotaurs in the Earthen world.
He decided to lie down and go to sleep. It
had been an eventful day, and he needed the
rest.
Hillbilly: Hey minotaur? Do you know of any
places where there might be some pinto beans?
