

Introduction

I started this book when I was sixteen years old. Needless to say it took me awhile to finish it. Although, I realize it's not even close to being the best in the world but it is my own. A great bit of time went into it and it has good meaning. It started out just being a journal that I wrote my thoughts down in, but now it is so much more. It all stems from being heartbroken at a young age. In actuality, some of it still reads as just a journal would, although most of the journal read like a book. I tried to preserve some of what the original had in it. There was no since in rewriting it. I hope it's one of a kind. I haven't seen a book like it. Well, taking for granted, I haven't read that many books in my life either. Many have asked why this book is so short. It's because it's been rewritten many times over and you got to remember that it indeed came from a journal.

There are a couple of reasons why this turned from a journal into a book. I was tired of holding it in. I was exhausted in the way of trying to explain myself and my actions. I have felt my family did not care to know why I spent so much time in isolation away from others. Why I was lost sometimes. Why this emptiness filled my heart. Why I tried to reach out from the inside and felt that no one tried to reach back. Also, it was good therapy for me just to see the words formed on paper. And the last reason is quite possibly to show the world that people like me exist.

A lot of people think that everything can be cured by medicine, self help clinics, therapy, or faith. In which, I believe a lot of people have been helped through these methods. I don't judge. I wanted to take another path. I chose to write and to pursue the tenderness I so thrived for.

I look at things different than other people. My family has told me for years that medication was the only thing that would keep me sane. I disagree! There is no cure in it. Medication is here to keep you on track but not to cure you. The way it was explained to me was that there is a big neurological pathway that controls your thinking and emotions. It is like one big highway between your mind and heart. I like to think of it that way. So, whenever you have a depressing thought or intolerable sadness, your highway forms an alternate route. Kind of like an exit off the highway. The more depressing thoughts you have, the more your exit becomes like another highway. Medication is there to simply make that exit veer back onto the main highway. So that you are traveling the same way everything else is, as far as emotions, and you can be normal again. I believe that this is the way it works. It makes sense. Studies have been done. College students study it.

Again this book reads a lot like a journal and it was purposely done so to convey thoughts and emotions. It is a book of love, heartache, depression, and realizations. It shares a love of life, art, people, and music.

Lyrics of songs often speak of what the heart can't tell. You'll have to read to understand. I have always thought that music relates to us on so many levels. I listen to music that says and means things to me.

I believe, that maybe, if no one ever reads the introduction to this, it will still be a good book. I am just saying this because I for one have never read an actual introduction to a book.

Almost every person is naïve when it comes to their own self-awareness.

Well, I guess that's the best introduction I can write. Thanks for reading.

"Unwell"- Matchbox Twenty ("I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired. I know right now you don't care. But soon enough you're gonna think of me and how I used to be.")

"No Rain"- Blind Melon ("I just want someone to say to me, I'll always be there when you wake.  
Ya know I'd like to keep my cheeks dry today, so stay with me and I'll have it made.")

Chapter One

My Life

My life to me was one big black tunnel! I had to compare it to something and this is what I chose. I say this for the simple fact that in my mind it makes sense. It was a black tunnel because like one, I felt like there was nothing around me. No one understood what I could put myself through. I had all these emotions that I wanted to express but I couldn't. I still don't understand completely why I thought this way.

My black tunnel had these light spots that would show up on occasion. I guess they were there to light the path at times so I wouldn't get to lost. Later, these lights, these spots turned into the missing portions of emotion that I was missing. Love was one of the major portions. I always sought the love that I thought I was missing. So, when one of the spots appeared, I would try to hold on as long as possible. Hanging on to tight or to long would smother the lights and make them disappear. With these disappearances, I was all the more lost.

My family was never quite a big part of my tunnel. I think that if they were I wouldn't have had as many problems as I did. My father and mother tried there best to keep us alive and sheltered. I don't know what it was but my childhood was spent very lonely. Although, I had my brother and sister there to keep me company, the memories still remain. We had a simple childhood. We lived in the woods outside of town and really didn't see many people that lived around us. We preoccupied our time with climbing trees, building club houses, playing in the creek, and every once in a while, the occasional horse apple fight. Our cousins lived right up the hill, but we didn't see them as much as we liked either. We spent a lot of time at home with our thoughts because we had hardly any money to go anywhere. Dad worked for us while Momma stayed home to take care of us. We were there to create our own brand of happiness.

Mom and Dad separated when we were young. I'm not going to say that this is the start of all the controversy because I don't believe it myself. It was certainly a major factor.

The love wasn't there in the beginning. That's why I spent most of my young adult life trying to pursue the love that I thought was nothing more than a spot of light. I always wanted someone to love me back. (A light that wouldn't disappear.)

I believe that one of the things in life that cannot be understood is love itself. I know that there are many types of it. One type is the one you already have. The one you're born with. I refer to it as pure love. This is the one that I believe calms you as a child to hear your mother's voice when you're hurt.

I heard someone try to define love and I have stuck with that definition for some time now. It could have been just something he had heard from a movie. He said that it is neither past nor future but the present. Live for it, for all too soon it will slip away.

The other love is true love, which a lot more people believe in than they will admit to. They say that this is the greatest love of all. It possibly is, if you have it. True love is totally different from its counterpart. It's different because it has to be achieved. Somehow you know it's going to last. You undoubtedly know that this person is a part of you. You grow cold and isolated when you are apart, but warm up with the smallest piece of a telephone call. Without them, you can't breathe and with them, you're left breathless. Love is the miracle that makes the world simple. Sometimes, the miracle is simply falling in love.

No matter what your opinion is on love, you have to admit that the greatest love of all is the one you fought for and won!

"Welcome to My Life"- Simple Plan ("Do you ever feel like breaking down? Do you ever feel out of place? Like somehow you just don't belong and no one understands you? Do you ever wanna runaway? Do you lock yourself in your room? With the radio on turned up so loud that no one hears you screaming?")

"When I'm Gone"- 3 Doors Down ("There's another world inside of me that you may never see. There's secrets in this life that I can't hide. Somewhere in this darkness there's a light that I can't find. Maybe it's too far away; maybe I'm just blind.")

Chapter Two

Love in Friendship

School was a happy medium in my life. I looked towards going there. It was time away from my room. Sure the work was hard at times, but I did it. Some teachers made studying fun; others were just boring. Third grade was the turn around year and I say this because everything starts to matter then.

I can honestly say that I had all female friends. I was bullied in school for that reason. It was always said that a guy couldn't stay friends with a female long, because he comes to a time where he likes her for more than one. So, as time grew on, my innocent friendships with the other party grew to crushes. I didn't want to hang out with the guys. The stuff that interested the other guys didn't interest me in the slightest. All I truly wanted to do was know the girls. Talk of cars, stereos, and fighting didn't interest me. I wanted to hang with the girls because they had more to say and I could talk to them.

I'm soft hearted and I got hurt easily. (More times than not to say the least.) Girls can also be cruel at times, and I took most of what they said to heart. I just couldn't understand the difference between me and them. I never considered girls having cooties. I was different and I guess that is why the girls let me hang around.

It all started when parent's divorce took place. I started going downhill and I didn't have a clue. I started to become a little clingy towards my friends and I guess they thought that was strange. So, they thought the more they pushed away, the more reliant I would become towards myself. I got my feelings hurt most of the time.

The problem was that my friends did not want to see me in a loving perspective. This was really upsetting because I wanted to love someone but no one wanted to love me. Tracy Montgomery was my first crush. Maria Morales was my second and the list goes on. My mom was a friend to Tracy's Mom and sometimes that created a problem. I thought that if Mom was a friend with Mrs. Montgomery, I would have a better chance at having Tracy as my girlfriend. As for Maria, she was a free spirit that I could not catch. I gave up quickly on the idea of us getting together.

When I was eleven, I had my very first girlfriend and my very first heart break. Our family always knew each other but we didn't meet until later on. Her name was Kendra. She was this cute, curly headed, sweet little girl. We met on a playground when I cracked my mid-section on a wet bar that I was trying to balance on. We lived in two different cities, so it was difficult to see each other. I used to beg my mom to go to town. To me, she was wonderful.

I saw her as many times as I could and it lasted for a while. She taught me things that I never knew. I thought I would love her forever. Later, she got back together with one of her old boyfriends and had her friend call me for her. Until this day, I remember that conversation.

"Affection Syndrome", is what I chose to call my emotional problems.

It came from the feeling that I wanted someone to be there for me as a companion and finding out that they didn't want me. Depression was not a word in my terminology then, but I sure felt it.

Sometimes I wanted to be left alone, but I wanted someone there to listen. I wanted to be at peace with myself but everything in my life was so unstable.

I started hiding my feelings from everyone, even my family. I covered it up well. I built the biggest wall I could and then a moat to go around it. I started to become a busybody.

I kept myself busy with poetry and art most of the time. The way I hid my feelings was to joke, laugh, and act like a crazy immature little kid. So, when I was really feeling down, the happier and hyper I acted. Every so often I would let it be known that something was bothering me but only when I thought I wasn't being a burden to anyone.

As for my crushes they only got worse, but no one knew. I kept them a secret. I figured if no one knew about them, I was less likely to get hurt. I remember I had a crush on this girl named Jennifer. I liked her for it seems forever. I could not figure out why she dated some of the guy's she did, but still the feelings remained. I eventually gave up on her as well (mostly because I couldn't see her actually liking me). I blamed it on the syndrome.

Although, I didn't like change, it eventually comes and gets us anyway. I was thirteen at the time and it was the middle of the summer when Dad set me, my brother, and my sister down for a talk. He told us that a friend of his was going to come and see us. Martha Summers was her name and Dad had met her when he went to the Red Cross meetings in our town. So, it came to par that she was to be Dad's girlfriend and we were going to see more of her. After a while, Dad told us we were going to move because there was more work for him in East Texas and that is where Martha's mom and dad lived. This meant that we were going to experience a new school and a new life.

So, we moved right after I passed sixth grade. I had failed the grade the previous year and had to take it again. It wasn't that I wasn't smart enough to do so. It's just I didn't seem to care about a whole lot then. Seventh grade in a small town that was smaller than the one we left...Great! Of course, I'm being sarcastic.

Talk about being nervous. I think I talked to one person the whole day that wasn't a teacher. Although, there were a lot of attractive girls to possibly make friends with, maybe even go out with. I really wanted someone to be around if I needed her. And looking back, I went through several. Even if I wanted to name a few, my idea of a lot would not be understood. I rather tell you about the more important ones that lasted for more than a week or two. Of course, I had more crushes than actual relationships. So, there was one I had my eye on but never chased after. The first day at school I met Rachel. She had jet black hair with the hint of brown, the hourglass figure, the deep brown eyes, and the works of a beautiful girl. We were friends for the longest time because we sat together in history class and talked while we worked. I hung on every last word that came from those sweet lips. I loved to make her laugh. Her cheeks turned flush when she laughed too hard. I was totally enveloped by her. There are some people you never forget and she was top of the list. She was everything I wanted then but never had. I wanted to ask her out so many times before, but sadly fear took its toll and I was never brave enough to stand up to it. Instead, I tried to show her that I longed for her by doing things like drawing for her and being there as a listening ear. My moment of truth, that I never had, was in fact that I loved Rachel, but something told me that I could never tell her.

There were plenty more little crushes along the way but not really worth mentioning in the way of helping me in the least.

Then Mandy came along! She wasn't comparable to Rachel but she was cute. She was a brutally blunt speaking blonde and I loved it. I fell hard for this one. The crush lasted four years and even after high school I missed seeing her. I always drew on her hand for the simple pleasure of holding it. We talked about her boyfriend and more importantly why she should leave him. So, things changed and I lost touch with her after I graduated. I had a lot more interests but half of them will never know I even knew them.

The other half will see this book on a shelf and say in realization, "Hey, that guy looks like someone I know."

"Different Than You"- The Exies ("We are one in the same only with different names. Something's are not worth changing. I learned to love by hating. We are one in the same.")

"Dammit"- Blink 182 ("And it's happened once again, I'll turn to a friend. Someone that understands; sees through the master plan. But everybody's gone and I've been here for too long to face this on my own. Well, I guess this is growing up.")

Chapter Three

Truly, Madly; Deeply

I think I should start at the end and work the flashbacks at this point. It conveys better that way. Just to see the events that put me in the present. In 1998, I moved back from were where I had lived for the better part of my school life. It was not to far after I got out of boot camp. We will cover this later. I promise.

I landed back in a land of nostalgia. I had no place to go but to my family. My grandparents took me in for almost a year. I know it must have been sort of a hassle for me to live there but they would never tell me that. It was fun for that short time though. Although they were my grandparents, they weren't going to let me live there for free. It just so happened that the first job I applied for is the one I got. By this time I was having trouble with my foot while I was working at my duty station for the Marine Corp. Come to find out that if I had a problem with it they were going to let me choose whether to stay in the service or get a medical discharge. I chose the latter.

So fast forwarding...I packed all my stuff from east Texas to move in with my Grandparents after finding out that my current girlfriend didn't have a place for us to live like she promised. Meanwhile, in the process of moving, I pissed my brother off because I was moving away from home for a girl. Within a month I had moved to north Texas, got a well paying job, and settled everything with my family.

So Blockbuster warehouse called me in for orientation a week after I applied. A week and half after I went to orientation I met my possible new girlfriend. I know that sounds apprehensive. Okay, orientation was a blast because we had like twenty-five people that were all class clowns. (Except this one girl.) This one girl that was truly beautiful. She had the greatest personality. She was sweet. She spent the class laughing at all the other people. She looked shy and only seemed to only talk to the girl next to her. I made sure that I listened for her name when the class administrator called it. Her name was Misty Gage. The whole time we were having this class, I couldn't help looking at her. I think she noticed me noticing her at the time. Of course, I am not shy and I don't grow timid. All I wanted was to talk to her. A few days later, she had passed me while we were working. I spoke up and said," Misty?! Smile, it becomes you!"

It seemed that I didn't want or need to be alone. I loved the fact that someone could be there for me. I wanted that companionship that I had always searched for. I pursued Misty for weeks. At times, I thought this woman wasn't at all interested in a guy like me. I just thought it was just another thing that I could toss it up to foolishness. I talked to her as often as I could, especially during breaks. Something drew me to her. I truly wanted to fall for this woman. Something inside told me that she would be safe for me to love.

We started having lunch together more often. At the time, I was still smoking. Don't judge me! I then found out that she was allergic to the mixture of nicotine and the oils from your skin. That was the stopping point of all the smoking. We were talking one day and she was kind of timid in the way of telling me that she already had a little girl. I told her that it was fine. She said she thought I was going to find a problem with it just like everyone else had. I thought it was great.

We started dating on March 21st of 1998. I met Chrissy about three weeks after. She was this cute little, blonde, blue-eyed short person that was only 2 ½ years at the time. She was so tiny. She was adorable and sweet.

The verdict was still out on when I was to meet her family, although her mother gave her a lot of hassle about not meeting me yet. It was the strangest thing that Chrissy only let Misty's dad hold her. It made my heart melt that when I first met her, I got to carry her into the house. It totally shocked Misty. Chrissy hardly spoke a word to any other person much less letting them hold her.

We were moving so fast in the relationship. I wasn't complaining. I was used to it after all the years of my companionships with all my exes. Not too far after I met Chrissy, I met the rest of her family. Her mother, beautiful for her age, had a youthfulness that I had never seen. She and Misty could've been twins. They almost sounded exactly alike on the phone. Her father was a big burley man with a full beard. He was the type that you didn't want to upset. She also had a little sister and a little brother. Her sister kind of kept to herself and her brother was active to say the least.

Within a month I had already proposed. It wasn't anything special because I told her that I was going to do it. She said yes! I really wanted this to happen. I had proposed to other women before but this time it was a more natural thing to do. I was surprised that the answer was positive. I had gone through so much as far as emotions with my family at the time. I was upset most of the time and just wanted her near me. I needed a listening ear. I didn't like the fact that I felt I was burdening her with all these issues. She continued to listen so I kept talking.

We had a lot of hardships that I didn't expect but we made the best of the worst times. We had been engaged for about two years. Why so long? I haven't a clue. We finally set a date for the wedding and got everything we thought we needed. I forget how much we actually spent on it so I guess it wasn't that important in the way of money. It was all that we had hoped it would be. I felt happy that day. Despite of all the harsh feelings that I had for my family, they showed up and I was tearful.

The wedding was fabulous and the reception was fun in all aspects. We told everyone that we were happy with the way things had gone. The one thing we didn't tell them is that Misty was about a month into pregnancy.

This is what I had wanted. I now had a family that I was missing for the most part of my life and now I had child of my own on the way. The only technicality was that Misty didn't want her family to know right away. It was mainly due to her father's high disappointment with her first pregnancy. At this time, I tried to explain the difference within the time span. Misty was a lot older now and her parents were possibly more suited to handle the news this time. Plus, I was more favorable in the eyes of her father than the absent father that abandoned Chrissy. Telling her parents was obviously a big deal more to her than it was to me. I just couldn't understand. So, needless to say, we spent a lot of time not speaking of the baby. This is something that tore at me. I was disgruntled in the way of the whole subject. It was supposed to be to a happy time in our lives, not one to be muffled due to the fact that her parents would feel disappointed again. I really wanted to let the world know and to talk about the baby freely but I couldn't.

Misty took her whole pregnancy in good stride. It wasn't at all what I had expected. She didn't have all the cravings that I have heard other women having. Did you know that some women crave dirt? I know right?! She dealt with the minor cramps better than I would have. All in all it was a smooth ride.

January 28, 2001 was the day we had to go to the hospital. She calmly came into the room and told me that we had to go right now. It took a while for the pregnancy to start. It was about five hours in the hospital. Everything was cool until Misty heard that she was going to have the baby right then and the doctor wasn't there. I mean the nurses are trained to do so as well, right? That was the only time I ever saw Misty freak out. It was understandably an emotional day. She got her tubes tied that day as well.

Around twenty-eight minutes after one, Katelynn Diane Jeffrey was born! It was wonderful! We had brought a precious little girl into the world. Thank the Lord, she was healthy. She had, what we thought to be, light brown hair and blue eyes. Come to find out, she had bright red hair. Red hair runs on Misty's side of the family. I have some trace of it but it was far down the line. She had a head full of hair though.

She was so cute! I was beginning to question if she was mine. I kid! I joke! Come on laugh with me. She was perfect! She was a little gift that I never expected to be so perfect. Now I felt proud like a father should feel. I could've flown away with only happiness to guide me. The day your child is born is one not to be forgotten.

Misty had become the one love I needed. She was the one I wanted for so long. She'd given me a loving place and a family I so desperately needed.

"First Time"- Life house ("Looking at you; holding my breath. For once in my life, I'm scared to death. I'm taking a chance; letting you inside.")

"Truly, Madly, Deeply"- Savage Garden ("And when the stars are shining brightly in the velvet sky. I'll make a wish, send it to heaven then make you want to cry. The tears of joy for all the pleasure in the certainty that we're surrounded by the comfort and protection of...the highest power in lonely hours...the tears devour you.")

Chapter Four

A Thin Line

There is a definite realism that is felt when it comes to family and friends. I felt it for nearly my entire young life. No one understood the things that went on within me. I confuse myself.... sometimes. I felt out of place with my family. I was the foreign exchange student of the family. I don't understand why either. I was a good kid. I did the things that needed to be done to show my parents that I loved and respected them. I never quite understood why I had to endure these emotional wounds that weren't healing fast enough. My family was left out of most of the things that went on with me. My life experiences had surpassed the ones of anyone else my age and I was too young to deal with them on my own. This is the reason I spent a lot of time by myself.

I built my life around the fact of listening to people's problems. I felt I had to just to ignore my own. I still continue to do so at times. All anyone wants is to have someone that is neutral to vent to. On the other hand, I got tired of listening to all these issues and finding that no one was there to hear me. I guess people think that if you are the one that solves everyone's problems that you have none of your own. Some of this is my own fault for not communicating with my family upon the hurt I had endured.

Kerry Victor Jeffrey, the name bestowed unto my father and to which I got my first and last name, was thought to be a totally different person than I. A lot of his traits were installed in me. He is very calm most of the time and unemotional for the better part of his life. I have come to the conclusion that I will, in fact, never know my father as well as I have always wanted to. I am content with that. I am left to feel that my dad is never going to know me. I love my dad more than he will ever know but most of the time I really needed a dad. It bothers me that he refuses to show any emotion and will not open up to his children the way we want him to.

The separation between my mother and father dealt a heavier blow than I originally thought. It's not that I believe that the happenings between my parents truly messed me up for life. I will completely deny that. I think they are better off apart. I see where they both can drive each other crazy. They both had to move on to better themselves and us.

The blame is not upon my family. They are not the full cause of all the depressing emotion that I lived with everyday. But it is certainly where it started. I hated myself for all the sadness and rage. Why was I so different? Was this the real me? I couldn't escape myself. I would've given anything to live in someone else's shoes. Some of my friend's lives seemed to be perfect.

My family wasn't a bad one. They were good. I mean it could have been a lot worse. I believe that I was misunderstood a lot of the time. They say never blame yourself for things that are out of your control. I did though. I blamed myself for the communication break down between me and my father. As if I wasn't trying hard enough on some level. I envied the guys that could talk to their fathers. It was like out of some movie that had the same life issues. I waited for the major life event that was supposed to happen to bring me and my dad together. But let's face it, life is nothing like an after school special.

It's funny that it's hard to believe that they never wondered what was going on with me unless I expressed it through being really emotional. I don't express much to family. I know they care about me. I feel I am always wrong with them. They do care about me but I always seemed a burden to them if ever I have a problem. I'm guessing that's why I don't share a lot with too many people. I figure they could care less. I am guilty of putting myself into that box.

All those years, you think that you'll never be like your family. You stand at the crossroads. You don't know which path to choose. If you are too close to the family you love, you end up like them. If you deny them, they end up rejecting you. It's a hard lesson learned that no matter which path you chose, your family and their characteristics will be always inside you.

"Stay Together For The Kids"- Blink 182 ("It's hard to wake up when the shades have been pulled shut. This house is haunted. It's so pathetic. It makes no sense at all. I'm ripe with things to say. The words rot and fall away. A stupid poem could fix this home, I'd read it everyday.")

Chapter Five

Time Well Spent

Okay, back on track. (1991!) Seventh grade was when the big move to east Texas took place. The next four years didn't have much importance in the context of these writings. The major things that happened were I had a couple of bad relationships, embarrassed myself a lot, managed to make some friends with a few guys, tripped on shrooms for two hours of school thanks to one of those friends, got felt up with a foot massage to the groin during gym, beat up while in gym, and of course, me and a guy named William caught a glimpse of a sexy teachers panties with her in them. Well, that about covers the exciting part of those four years. The rest of the time I spent in my room writing and suffering from my so called syndrome.

Junior year was a time I started pointing my interests towards younger women. I thought maybe they would keep me company longer for they stay interested longer. They always said that a woman always looks for an older man anyways (Basically because of the maturity factor). Plus older guys know more and have more resources. I didn't but I digress.

I guess it all started when my sister showed me a picture of this girl she was friends with. I thought she was cute, but for the time being I had my own problems with Kendra that had just broke up with me for the second time. Needless to say, I was interested. One year had lapsed before I even talked to girls. She knew who I was because of my sister and ditto on my part. I was sort of interested in this other girl at the time. Linda was her name. Psycho she was. Anyway, I went to this dance and that's where I met Linda. We ended up dancing the whole night, but Tabatha tried to get me to notice her. (Oh, sorry I didn't mention that before.) Her name was Tabatha. No need to give the last name. That night, I guess all gears were stuck on stupid! Linda and I dated for only a week. (I hope that wasn't to confusing.)

We broke up on a Thursday, so I had all weekend to mope around the house. Monday rolled around and the first person I saw was Tabatha. She wasn't single at the time, but I didn't care. I could still talk to her. I told her hello and made her laugh a little bit. She introduced me to her boyfriend at the time. I don't remember his real name but everyone called him Doorknob. I still think that's funny. I don't know why. She broke up with him within two days and made it a point to tell me she was single. (Note taken!) A day and half later, we were a couple.

We spent every chance; every waking moment either talking to one another or smothering each other. I was content for once in my life. I spent time with her and her family. Her family loved me and even offered me choices that I didn't have with my family. Such things as helping to get financial aid started for school and teaching me how to drive a little better. I learned a lot about love and life from her family. I loved her more than anything at the time.

After I graduated I started thinking about my education and thought the armed services would be a good idea. Right before the time I was to leave for the Marine Corp, I made it a point to visit my mom and grandparents. Problem was that Kendra still lived a couple of miles away. Needless to say, things got out of hand and Kendra and I ended up kissing and I let it go on for a little too long. It was long enough to make me feel terrible about what pain I just caused Tabatha and me. I went back and called to tell her what had happened. We broke up two weeks before I had to leave for boot camp. Which, if that hadn't taken place, I had the opportunity to decline the service. I loved her and yet my depression caused me to withdraw my feelings for her. I just wanted her. I also left Kendra at a standstill because I left without telling her goodbye. I always told her that if anything happened where I couldn't take it anymore in east Texas, I would move in with her and possibly get married. I was ready to wed when I was eighteen because I felt marriage brought the love I deserved. I know this chapter is kind of confusing. I think I have explained it the simplest as I could.

The night before I had to leave Tabatha called me. She was saddened at the fact that I was leaving, but somewhere hidden under the tender voice was the realization that I had still hurt her. I told her I would miss her and I would see her soon.

Boot camp was spent very lonely due to the fact that the only people I had to write were family. I took a chance one day and wrote her a letter which said that I hadn't spent a day not thinking of her. She wrote back and told me she loved me and would like to get back together. So we did. I don't remember much of boot camp after that day. Before I left the base, after the graduation ceremony, I bought her a ring. I didn't give Kendra another thought. For some reason I thought she had forgotten about me.

In the back of my mind I thought, "Wouldn't it be great if Tabatha was there?" There to meet me when I got off the plane?" I got off the plane in Texas, Tyler to be exact, and my family was so proud to see me. I looked at my family, (that I actually missed), and asked, "Where is she?" I knew at that moment she had to be there. She was! My family made it a point to have her there. On the way home, I asked her to marry me and she agreed.

Sadly, we only spent six more months together. Only then did I realize that I had truly fell in love with a person that understood the way I thought, the way I acted, and the way I had dreamt. Maybe she'll understand a little more of what I was thinking upon reading this.

I'm not quite sure what went wrong in the relationship but looking back I am only to guess. Maybe she was looking for stability or maturity. Both of which I did not have. She did make me happy though. Maybe she was just one those lights that I simply smothered away. It seemed to be a trend. It was so stupid to let my self esteem take root and not let me move further.

The last part of our relationship was spent arguing and misinterpreting each other, so we sort of agreed that we should split and mutually go our separate ways. Before the courtship ended, I went to a county fair and met up with some friends there. I think..! Maybe I'm a little fuzzy on that detail. Anyway...I ran into another one of Tabatha's friends. Her name was Melissa. That night, I felt so relaxed talking to her (like we had been friends forever). Of course, I was always so easy to talk to anyway. It was like she knew my walls were crumbling. She was there to help me pick up the pieces of tattered emotions that were falling to the bottom of my heart. I just thought I would take the time to thank her for that. For some reason we never went out with each other. I think I've kicked myself a few times on that note. Thanks for listening Melissa.

"Elderly Woman Behind The Counter In A Small Town"- Pearl Jam ("I seem to recognize your face. Haunting familiar, yet I can't seem to place it. Cannot find the candle of thought to light your name. Lifetimes are catching up with me. All these changes taking place. I wish I'd seen the place but no one's ever taken me. Hearts and thoughts they fade. Fade away.")

Chapter Six

How Not To Fall In Love

So, graduation had come and gone. The Marine Corp was next. (I don't wanna talk about it.)

After I got out of boot camp, my brother Corry and I decided to move into a house together in the little town we had grew up in through our teenage years. He had decided to move back because he had moved away for some time to live with our mother in North Texas. I'm glad he came back. We had found a house in town that was only three hundred a month. It was great except for the fact that we had the bitchiest landlord on the face of the planet. It was home for the time being.

We were both doing well holding down night jobs at Denny's. (It's sad I know.) I was going to my duty station once a month in accordance to my contract I had with the Marine Corp, but I did not like it.

One Monday night, after I got back from the reserve base, I and my friends went to this pizza place kind of outside of town. We were just goofing around and for the most part just having fun. I had heard that Mandy's mother worked there (Mandy- Reference last part of chapter two). We wanted to go there for the simple reason that the place had a pool table. So, as we were going in, Mandy was rushing out. I didn't notice who was rushing past me at first, but she noticed me and stopped in her tracks.

We spent some time together at the pizza place and again at my friend James' house. That is when I kissed her for the first time. It was getting late that night and we decided to go to my house. My friend Bill and his sister Katie offered to drive because I didn't have a car at the time. The four of us spent about two hours hanging out, joking, and remembering the old days of school. Mandy ended up spending the night that night. I thought it was just as good a time as any. Angels sung that night because I finally got the one girl I had lusted over for so long.

My family didn't like her at all and that was the point. I didn't care! Let's just say that most of my girlfriends weren't too favorable (basically because I only wanted most of them as companions). She was different though. I guess it was because I had longed for her for so long. I was willing to do anything for this girl. I only promised her the things I knew would eventually make her happy and things that were obtainable. I loved the fact that she was there. My only purpose was to make her happy. Too bad she didn't feel the same about me. Our relationship didn't go as smoothly as I thought it would go.

Mandy had a lot of things to sort out in her life. I naturally wanted to assist in the cure. She was dependent on drugs and attention. I forgave her too many times. The last I heard from her was when we broke up. I was supposed to move in with her, which failed terribly. She called me two weeks later and broke it off. That is how I finally got out of East Texas and stranded myself in North Texas. She called me a month later and tried to apologize, but I didn't want to hear it. It did feel good to shove her off one last time, but it tugged at my heart strings just a little to tell her that I was better off without her. The last time I heard anything of Mandy was that she was married with children and still on drugs. I hope she's okay.

They say it's possible to fall in lust and looking back...maybe it was just that. After the fall of Mandy and me, I never dated another blonde. They didn't interest me anymore. They are good to look at though. She was my first sexual experience. That is possibly why I wanted it to work. But she is someone I will always remember. Maybe I'll find the heart to talk to her again one day. The one thing I did learn from her was that trying to make others happy for your own happiness was never meant to work as well as you plan. But it was the only thing I knew how to do. That's what I call being a stranger to my own reality.

"If You Could Only See"- Tonic ("Well you got your reasons and you got your lies. And you got your manipulations, they cut me down to size. Saying you love but you don't. You give your love but you won't. If you could only see the way she loves me, then maybe you would understand why I feel this way about our love and what I must do. If you could only see how blue her eyes can be when she says, when she says she loves me.")

"No Surprise"- Theory of a Deadman ("Well it ain't no surprise, that you turn me on and leave. It ain't no surprise, that you turn it around on me. I don't know why you won't give me what I need. It ain't no surprise, that that bitch is leavin' me.")
Chapter Seven

Depression Hurts (Back Tracking)

Depression was the null full void in which I chose to call a black tunnel. Did I really want this? Did I want this thing that was reality but in reality made me sick? Am I the outcast? Am I really okay? Am I actually loved or am I just yet another spot of light in someone else's dark world? I used to question things like these and others. I questioned a lot of things. Maybe sometimes in the sub-text I still do.

When my parents went their separate ways, it was something that affected us all. Families are there to support each other. It's not the fact that two people, upon one single decision, can utterly rip that moral strand in half. I always felt that my family loved me but they really didn't know who I was. That is why I felt I had to look for love and companionship in other people.

At age eight, after the separation, after the actual divorce, and all things mundane, Dad received custody of all three of us. Mom was left to lead the life she dreamt of but contracted a few unfavorable boyfriends. All we got was some lousy visitations and years to wonder what really happened. Needless to say, Mom moved away and Dad suffered to make ends meet with three kids, one job, and a house that was falling apart. We grew up poor, but I was never ashamed of that fact. We grew up thankful for what we had. We were content with what we had. We never knew any different.

Things didn't start to affect me until the teenage years. I didn't feel loved or cared for. My teenage years were spent very lonely. I say that sadly. I spent several years inside the confines of my own denial. The only thing that kept me occupied was school and the little time I got to spend with friends. Thank God for friends!

Part of my problem came from the fact that me and my father never communicated. I was never the one to talk about anything that was bothering me to the same sex. I can talk all day to a woman, which isn't unheard of these days. My father is not an emotional type of person. Or so they say. I wouldn't know. It still hurts me that he has no motivation to come and see me every once in a while. I would think he would like to see if I am alive every once in a blue moon. Me and him are too much alike. It's true what they say. The one you fight with the most is the one most like you.

Don't get me wrong, I love my family. I just don't love them with the same admiration as I did when I was young and naive. I was always the odd man out. No matter what I did, it never seemed to be as important as what my brother and sister could achieve. As I think back, every major decision I made was vetoed by someone. The decision to graduate early (or on time to correctly put it) and the option to join the services wasn't a joyful conversation. At one point, I started hiding all of my feelings towards my family. I felt this hopelessness towards anything I thought was right.

When I was seventeen, I thought about death a lot. I guess that's why I'm not really afraid of the after-life like all those times before. I read a lot of books about after death experiences and dreamt about a lot of morbid things that I care not to revisit. In my dreams, my mind was tragically wasted away too many times to count.

I don't know what changed but somewhere along the way I figured that life was to important to miss. This is when this book started to form more meaningful words.

Over the years, I have found out that a lot of rage has built up inside. I am not a person that lets that rage out. I don't take my anger out on anyone whether they are to blame for that anger or not.

All these years, I have taken all this rage and put it away deep inside. I know it's hurtful to one's self. I really didn't want to hurt the ones I loved either.

As I've said before, I believe depression is incurable. It's just one of those things in life that sticks with you. There are a lot of ways to subdue it, but it never leaves. To this day, I still look for a way to find the better man. If I can't find it in myself, maybe I have to see strength in others.

Now they say that depression hurts more than the mind. That it can cause you a lot of physical pain. Damn, that explains a lot. It explains the fact that some days I feel like crap for no reason at all. So it leads me to believe that if the heart breaks to many times, it can ultimately destroy you. I am determined that this will not destroy me.

"Send The Pain Below"- Chevelle ("You used to run me away, all while laughing, then cry about that fact, 'til I returned. But long before, having hurt, I'd send the pain below, I'd send the pain below.")

"Suicidal Dream"- Silver Chair ("I dream about, how it's going to end, approaching me quickly. Leaving a life of fear, I only want my mind to be clear. People, making fun of me, for no reason but jealousy.")

Chapter Eight

A Little Understanding

Everyone has some sort of past. I'm not really out-spoken with mine. Can you tell? I'd rather write it down so I don't jumble my words. I've been hurt to many times to count. The way I see it is, that your past is always been something that people can throw back at you. The more difficult it was, the harder you get hit with it.

I was hurt over many things. It took me the longest time to figure out that if you want someone to date you, you can't stay friends with them forever. Grow a conscience and speak up. Tell them how you feel. Reach down a grab some pride or...whatever! The same holds true in the fact that is difficult to be a friend with a former lover (Especially if you harbor feelings for that person). The heart can only contain so much at any given time.

So the time line goes as follows. With love comes the relationship and then comes sex. Confused? It's all in the scheme of things. Because of depression I lost my virginity sooner than I thought I would and I regretted it for a while. I am not saying that sex didn't interest me. It's just I wanted to wait until the time was right. (That's something that you'll never hear from another guy.) I was a late bloomer anyway. Most guys lose theirs before their eighteenth birthday. I was almost twenty. I did it for the simple reason to keep her around because I had wanted her for so long. She left and it hurt. My self-esteem would not let me believe that I was good enough to contain her without sex. Wrong! She would've left anyway.

Sex was my alternate choice to better my self-esteem. That didn't help.

Sex is so outrageously blown out of proportion these days. Face the facts! It's got to be the most exaggerated thing in the world. If it wasn't, we wouldn't complain about it would we? I just didn't see what the big deal was. It isn't as special as it once was. It's still nice but not as special.

Dating is a sore subject that all in all leads to sex. I think the hardest thing a person can experience is dating.

First, finding a person that is remotely the same age with the same interests as you is unusually difficult. Of course, being a male, it's easy to find interest in someone. Most of us look for the physical. I mean... I like a good set of legs and boobs as well as the next guy. I was always an eyes and thigh type of guy though. It seems that all anyone likes in a person anymore is looks and personality is pushed to the wayside. What's funny is that every woman is looking for the complete package. I'm sorry most guys that are really handsome don't have a sense of humor and are usually pricks. The average guy that was voted to have the most personality has more friends than he needs. Although, I see the feminine side also. Girls complain about their men treating them bad all the time. Here's a solution. Get the average guy that is going to treat you like a princess and thinks you're the best thing for him.

Here's the problem- All the good-looking people in the world know they are. They are narcissistic. They have been that way all their lives. They learned it from their parents. The beautiful ones will always look for something more beautiful in life. Just remember that. It's a fact of life.

Ever notice that all women that are truly happy always start out with the handsome hot guy but never find happiness until they find the one nerd that is completely smitten with her. That's why it is so unfair to see the beautiful girl with the average guy.

A lot of things have changed over the years. Love doesn't hold the same impact as it was once admired for. I say this for one reason. Not to exaggerate the subject by any means, but love now seems to become a contributing factor in foreplay. You get what I am leaning towards?

I'm not saying that no one loves each other anymore, it's just an observation. It seems that anyone born in the past twenty years has this super sexual urge. You would think that doctors should have a theory on these types of things. Television is a major contributor and then there's what music tells everyone. I will not down the effects of some good music though. Everything has changed since I was a child. T.V. didn't have anything like Dawson's Creek or One Tree Hill in my teenage years (Although it would have explained a lot). We had 90210. Hell, that was just a night time soap opera.

Now, to get to more of the point of this chapter. The point where I feel I have to share some more of what I have learned.

With the book originally written by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo and then the movie adaptation, of the best seller, He's Just Not That Into You has become a staple into the understanding of what we mean versus what we say. Being not a big reader myself, I took the movie route on this subject. Although I have been told that the movie hardly does the book a bit of justice. I got to thinking about how I have tried to gain the attention of the opposite sex. I think I have formulated enough information about how we go about conveying the fact that we are attracted to the female species. In an absolute perfect world everyone would be brutally honest and tell you up front but we don't live in that world.

I would like to say that these are all the signs of what we do as we form the attraction to you but I would be lying. These characteristics are what I try at the very first.

Making you laugh: Most guys try laughter as the first approach because we have learned that a sense of humor is key in any relationship. We hold a sense of accomplishment in the way we can get you to laugh. It's one thing we think we got going for us in managing to get your attention.

Frequent Visits: Say you work in a place that pretty much everyone is friendly but you have one guy that seems to visit more than other people. I am not telling you something that you don't already know. If he comes by once or twice a day just to converse with you on random things of unimportance, I am willing to bet he's the one that has the peak of interest. Now, older men are just having wishful thinking when they do it and plus they are probably married.

Calling and/or texting you regularly: You know the ones. They call or text and want nothing at all. Maybe it's a shot in the dark that you'll give him an entrance into a meaningful conversation at the time. He does this to show you that he cares what you are doing and gives him an idea of what you do with your time.

Doing little favors: He does things for you or your friends and expects nothing in return. Well, except for your attention. He is enthralled by you. When asked to do anything out of the ordinary and he doesn't even hesitate in saying yes could be a major indicator. It says we have given ourselves up to your bidding.

Taking Notice: You should all know by now that guys' most of the time are oblivious. We only take notice of things that we are affected by. Say you change your hair. Maybe you cut it slightly and it wasn't a big deal to you. The next thing you know he notices it and compliments you on it. He may not be the only one that noticed that day, but he was the only male that did.

Complimenting You: Like I said, we are oblivious, but we like change. You start wearing nicer clothes, wearing a different perfume; we notice. Any comment we can use to show admiration we are going to use it.

Listening Intently: We generally do not like to talk a lot, but put the attraction into the equation and we'll talk and really, more importantly, listen to you all day. If we are engaging in your conversation like it's the best damn conversation ever held, we are hooked on to you.

Finding Ways To Get Close: Believe it or not but this goes back further than most people think. It all starts with a dare to pop your bra strap, a drawing of a fake tattoo on your hand, or simply a hug. I don't care if the guy has been your friend since kindergarten and you think there's no attraction on either part, he always wants to get close. Maybe he stands close or just gets your attention by pulling something random off your shirt. It's wishful thinking on our part that we want you to want us that close. This is mainly curiosity that lures us.

Bring you things you like: Even though you probably aren't thinking of us, we are of you. If you like a certain candy bar to make it through the day, we'll try to get it for you before you do. If we are out and we see something we know you will adore, we'll end up getting it just for the satisfaction of hearing you say a sweet thank you.

This is what we do to find our believed soul mate.

A lot of people believe in soul mates. I do to a point. I used to believe that the one person you absolutely fell in love with and vice versa meant that you were soul mates. That both of you were accepting in the ways of how each other are. I don't believe in this type of soul mates anymore. I say this for the simple fact that no one stays the same in love. One wrong turn and the relationship can start to diminish. In love everyone changes for the other person.

I do believe in soul mates as far as friendships. You don't have to change in a friendship. Your friends love you for who you are. I have a couple of soul mates this way.

"Stop and Stare"- One Republic ("Stop and stare. I think I'm moving but I go nowhere. Yeah I know that everyone gets scared. But I've become what I can't be. Stop and stare. You start to wonder why you're 'here' not there and you'd give anything to get what's fair. But fair ain't what you really need. Oh, can you see what I see?")

"Vindicated"- Dashboard Confessional ("Vindicated. I am selfish, I am wrong. I am right, I swear I'm right. Swear I knew it all along. And I am flawed, but I am cleaning up so well. I am seeing in me now the things you swore you saw yourself.")

Chapter Nine

If You Write It, People Will Understand

I've always known how to draw and write poetry. It has been a huge part of my life and quite possibly always will. I didn't want to put art work in this book but I can give my poetry its dues. I used to write all the time, this takes up my time now. Poetry relaxes me for some odd reason.

So this chapter is going to be chopped full of it. Here's how it is going to go. I will write a piece for you and in turn interpret it (So that you'll understand why I wrote it).

Illness-

My life, now and forever, will be just a blanketed expression of love for which I was meant to see. Something great.

My soul, now and forever, will be just a confused immoral idea that I have led myself to believe. Something's out there.

My body, now and forever, will be just a statue of a divine figure that's truly sad but doesn't know how to show it. Some things remain the same.

Depression at its worst. No self esteem and no idea where I was going or where I'd end up.

First Loves-

First loves, Feelings of pain. Just mere shadows, Of distant rain.

To the rain, I've made a fire, In which to ravish my desire. If we were together, I'd hardly tire.

Thoughts of doubt, Things I've left out. Hurt and anguish. What's this love all about?

This reflects my school days when I had such a heavy crush on one of my friends. I tried so hard to get her to notice me and all I did was cry for her.

If....?-

If a friend was a lover, It would be a thought.

To have someone there, more often than not.

Now this was the interesting part of my life. It took me three years to actually be in a relationship. It states just what I was thinking at the time. I had a crush; enough said.

What's the matter?-

What's the matter now? Is it you or is it me?

There must be something, That makes our hearts growl.

Is it hurt or hunger, That makes us prowl?

What's the matter with us, that we can't love one another?

Why can't we live peacefully, With nothing to bother?

What's the matter with them? They cause trouble; they're tormented.

They think wrong; Emotions they make are demented.

What's the matter with me? I seek love, that's all;

I hurt so much. I hurt from the fall.

Basically, I trusted no one. I was living on experience alone, but I was still leery of people hurting me. To me, everything in my life was going the wrong direction.

Alone-

Alone at the end of nothing, The lights have faded in face to blue. Emotions poised on every aspect, All I ever wanted was you.

We were up all night, Tearing our loves apart. Now it was plain to see, The love wasn't in my heart.

And I'm a liar to you! I was shown the light, But I turned away. Never knew love was such a fight.

This was to the first girl that I tried to love but I needed as a friend more. I felt very isolated towards myself and others. I needed someone there so I felt needed.

Hell-

Wicked feelings, evil thoughts, It's what you get when religion is lost- South of Heaven, fires grow, Do wrong here; you're in for a show. No one wants to be there, but often souls are, Being left with a burden, an eternal scar.

Religion is a big thing to me. Even though I don't get to church as often as I need to, I still have a strong believe in the Lord.

You & I-

I see you through my eyes of hurting,

For like the lion, I search for something.

I wait in great desperation,

For the world is causing my frustration.

I see you through my eyes of caring,

For like the cub, I strive for more.

I see the world different, with little vision,

For the sun does rise and rain does pour.

You see me through your eyes of glitter,

For like the lioness, you see things precious.

You wait with all your wonder,

For you are the rain, yet the thunder.

That was the one I originally wrote for Misty.

I never really used my art work as much as the poetry. I only drew when I was really bored or when I really had the craving to do so. You should have seen my book covers in school. If my head wasn't in the book, you could bet my pen was doodling on it.

I used poetry to express my feelings through writing.

Stereo Typical-

300 eyes staring upon my shadow

Looking upon in disarray

My thoughts become empty

Why does the corrupt stay?

Thoughts of hurt are acid

They rot my moral chain

The negatives sub-due positive

But emotions care to complain.

Breathe in for I am air

Wonderful as a star

Why don't others see me

As common as they are?

Basically, I was tired of being judged and had really low self esteem at the time.

Turtles-

Ever watch a turtle

So lonely; so slow?

Doesn't really do much

Doesn't put on a show!

He has that tough shell

That makes it hard to walk.

Does he speak a word

Does he ever talk?

I guess he doesn't do much

Just simple daily habits.

Except for when he races

Those quick silly rabbits!

See I can write funny poems as well.

There is so much more poetry than this. I have been writing it longer than I have been writing this. I just wanted to show you as a reader that I could write poetry and express that it has meaning also. I think anything I have put down on paper has or had a meaning. Poetry was my way of being someone.

"Be Like That"- 3 Doors Down ("'Cause in his life he's filled with all these good intentions. He's left a lot of things he'd rather not mention right now. Just before he says good-night, he looks up with a little smile at me and he says....  
If I could be like that, I would give anything. Just to live one day in those shoes. If I could be like that, what would I do?")

Chapter Ten

Religious Aspect

Religion as far as going to a public building and showing that I believe in the almighty one never really made sense to me. I mean that I did need to show the world that I believed. I knew God was there; I knew the love was there. Religion in my everyday life is a big part of me. There is still a lot to which I don't understand about the word but I'm learning. Some may ask why a chapter about religion? Why not? It helped me. That's the only reason. We always went to church when we were young. We were never pushed to go. But we knew of what religion was. We never had a base religion. We were a part of many different ones. We visited Baptist, Catholic, Methodist, and Episcopalian. We just went to be around people our own age. It got us out of the house. I never understood the part of the belief that you try to get saved. Didn't Jesus save us when he died for all people to save us from our sins? I'm not going into a big religious discussion over what I believe and what others think is right compared to the Holy Bible. I have just a few things to mention. Maybe a few questions, also.

I had a step-grandfather that was very wise and joyful for what I saw of him. A man that lived his life with all he had been given and made do with what he had. My step mom shows a lot of what he had taught her. I remember that we used to play in the nearby creeks and walked along the railroad tracks when we visited. We had moved away from the country so we liked to do things like that. I have some good memories from that place.

I remember he had to remain in the hospital for quite a bit of time when he got emphysema. He was on a breathing machine for a long time. Emphysema as defined in the one dictionary I own is- A disease, in which the alveoli of the lungs become stretched to an excessive degree and lose their elasticity, resulting in an often-severe loss of breathing ability. It is caused by smoke inhalation. (Cigarette and cigar smoking being the most common destroying factor). Okay, enough with facts of the matter.

Paul Fultz was my grandfather's name. He was a step grandfather, but nonetheless. Everyone called him Peepaw as well as I. He was very sick at the very last. I prayed for him and then everything else every night. So, when he was in the hospital, many people came to visit. One of which was the Pastor of our church. On day, on one of the Father's many visits, my grandfather, talked to him in a very low tone. He said, "Father? I've never been much of a religious man. So, when you talk to your boss, will you tell him that I love him?" That pulled at my heartstrings a little and made me realize what kind of man he actually was. He was the kind of man that believed but didn't have to tell everyone that he did so.

There are so many things that are meant to be questioned with religion. Like the fact that we make mistakes everyday and the Lord lets us. (Because we learn by trial and error.) For the many trails that we go through in life, it is nothing compared to the perils that the Lord suffered for us. A little boy made me realize something a long time ago. We were talking about cartoons and he asked how they are made. I conveyed my interest in the subject by telling him what I knew about the technique. After I had finished, he asked if God drew us. (Touché') He had a good point. Who is behind the animation? God put us here for good reasons. It's the reasons that we don't understand all the time.

I chose to write this part because it held importance to me. I trusted in the Lord to keep me safe.

"Counting Blue Cars"- Dishwalla ("Tell me all your thoughts on God 'cause I would really like to meet her. And ask her why we're who we are. Tell me all your thoughts on God, cause I am on my way to see her. So tell me am I very far - am I very far now?")

Chapter Eleven

Memories Rush Back

For motivational and venting purposes only, I am choosing to share some of my memories. It's said that listing things like memories and past experiences is good for a healthy emotional being. It relieves some of the tensions that you may have had. I guess you understand the purpose of these writings?!

I Remember....

...the time that I feel in love for the first time.

...that when I was eighteen, someone finally spoke up and said, "I'm proud of you".

...being bullied in school because I was different.

...the first time a movie actually made me cry.

...the feeling I felt when I could make someone laugh.

...my first fight. I lost.

...the first feeling of depression and wondering what the hell it was.

...the first time I really felt abandoned.

...my first trip I took away from Texas. Just me and Dad.

...when I first started smoking.

...when we were poor but never hungry. (Thanks Dad!)

...the time I went to Disney World.

...that I have never been really close to my siblings.

...taking a ride in a laundry mat's dryer.

...when someone told me that they loved me and I believed her.

...when Dad remarried for the better.

...when Momma remarried for what she thought was the better.

...the thoughts of hurt and anger with depression.

...when my brother left to move in with mom.

...my first kiss.

...my first real kiss.

...when I moved away from my parent's house.

...my first rent house and much alcohol passed through it.

...how bad it really was in boot camp.

...when I first cheated on someone and how bad it felt.

...when my friends took their lives. (God Bless You Bill and Tasha)

...feeling unwanted all the time.

...the day I got my license. (I was twenty.)

...the day I got a ticket for running a light.

...meeting my future wife.

...meeting her little girl.

...the first moment I realized I was a dad.

...meeting my future in-laws. (What a riot.)

...the divorce.

...when I fell for the younger girl.

...the first time my heart really broke.

These aren't in any particular order. I just randomly selected from memory. That last one is quite possibly why I chose to write a book of this caliber though. Thanks for letting me express things.

I know people say not to let the past rule your present. If you let it, it will consume you. I know it's such a needless thing to do. I believe God gave us the gift of memory so we learn from it. Maybe it keeps our hearts safe in so many ways. It's hard to move away from it though....sometimes. It's hard to see past the tears sometimes. I try to forget. Sometimes I wish the hurt would simply vanish. I don't care to know where it goes. I imagine it could just blow away.

"Through Glass"- Stone Sour ("How do you feel? That is the question. But I forget, you don't expect an easy answer. When something like a soul becomes initialized and folded up like paper dolls and little notes. You can't expect a bit of hopes. So while you're outside looking in describing what you see, remember what you're staring at is me.")

"One Thing"- Finger Eleven ("If I traded it all. If I gave it all away for one thing. Just for one thing. If I sorted it out. If I knew all about this one thing. Wouldn't that be something?")

Chapter Twelve

The Lighter Side

Memories are funny in one's own mind. They are like little emotional volcanoes. They can erupt at any given moment. They are a lot like those moments when you just burst into laughter for no apparent reason or so everyone seems to think. But you know why you are laughing and that is all that counts. I've always found the simplest things funny and could make others think they are as well. I used to hear the phrase, "You should be a comedian!" all the time. Humor has always been the very best medicine for me. So, let's get on with the show.

Not to begin the subject off uncomfortably, but has anyone really given any thought to sex? Ha ha! Some guy reading this just starting to pay a little closer attention to what I am saying. I think sex is funny. Who cares about anyone else, I think it's hilarious.

For example, within intercourse, the sperm enters a woman's body by about a billion, yet only about fifty make it to the fertile egg. The funny part is the situation of the moment.

To me, it seems that there is a massive blowout party and every guy that is capable is going to see the striper. The problem is that it is such a long trip just to get there. Now, on the way there, 999,999,950 guys stop because they are out of gas. The fifty that are left actually get to the party and have a great time. Then, about the middle of the party, Forty-nine of the guys get pissed off because the one guy that scored with the striper is the dork of the group.

You ever wonder if Eve never bit the apple? Have you thought how that would've changed things? Walking around all kinds of sheets to the wind! You wouldn't have to ask any stupid questions, I'll tell you that much. Things like, "Honey, are you cold?" or "Hey man you think she's hot?" And best of all, "Hey Honey? You think she's pretty?"

It's totally amazing to me that a man can go out into his front yard, take his car apart, and put it back together good as new. On the other hand, when it comes to taking a bra off, we are the clumsiest fools ever. We're like, "Damn it, I can't get it! Honey!"

Why do women cover themselves up when wearing a bra and panties, then have a bikini that practically shows everything? I just don't understand. I guess it's because guys can imagine anything dirty. I saw a list of occupations that guy's considered to be some of the most fantasized about. Well, isn't that about any occupation? A woman can be a beekeeper and if she is the least bit attractive, you know a guy is thinking about something. He's like, "Here's your honey Baby."

Love is funny too. It's the only thing in the world that makes teens practice kissing in the mirror and making out with their arms. Hickey!! How is that a word for bruised skin? Love makes you do crazy things. Like wearing favored massage oil. The only thing that stuff got me is a sticky ass. Or like the time I wore edible underwear and it stained my backside for two days. Sorry for being so random. That may have been T.M.I. at this point.

Pardon me if I go from one extreme to the other from time to time. So, here's a question..! If your road gets a new layer of asphalt, is it a retard road? My sister wrote a letter to a former camp counselor in which it stated (and I'm not kidding) "We just got our roads retard." Diana is the kind of sister that if you told her a joke she didn't understand she would be sure to laugh out loud hours later--when she finally got it. This is the same person that actually stepped over an invisible child safety gate that was supposed to be in front of her door instead of ours.

My brother, Corry, was always skinnier than I was and still is. He used to make comments about my weight. You know how siblings try to get the better of each other! One day our great uncle told him that if he ever fell from something high he would hurt himself. On the other hand, I would bounce a couple of times and be alright. A short time later, we were trying to build a tree house in a twelve foot tree. Somehow, Corry fell out and I swear he did a flip in mid-air. He landed on his chest, facing the ground. It was like comparing play-dough to silly putty. Like clay, he didn't bounce. As things turned out we both ended up with head to toe poison ivy. The dark humor is that as soon as he hit the ground, I said to myself, "Bounce!"

Martha (Mom) had a tough time with four guys in the house. I'm surprised that my mouth didn't get me in trouble for the next thing I'm going to tell you. Mom was trying to tell us that her and my younger brother installed the child safety latches earlier on in the day. She explained that it took an hour for them to install one safety device and it only needed two screws to install. I spoke up without thinking and said," Oh, thirty minutes a screw, huh?" Upon hearing this, Corry busted out laughing, nearly spitting his food halfway across the table. Then Dad caught on a second later, then Diana, then Mom.

So, I was watching Channel 13 (PBS). You know the one that has support from all the viewers like you. This is what I learned. The North American tree frog's tadpoles only fear in life is an ugly green bug that eats them for the nourishment of its own unborn spawn. This bug dives under the water and waits. When it catches one of these tadpoles, it kills it, eats it, and throws it aside. Little does he know that when he bites into this young amphibian, it releases a strange chemical. This chemical released into the water warns the other tadpoles to stay away from this area. So, this chemical initiates a gene inside of the other tadpoles. It enhances them so that their tails get stronger, increases their body mass, and discolors their tails to look bright red. This lets them get away from this bug faster than they could before. Now, you're asking," What the hell is he rambling on about?" So, I'm sitting there watching this in full amazement and thinking only one thing. "Well, I'll be damned. Frogs have menstrual cycles!"

Does a reptile know when it loses its tail? Does he go home after spending a long night with the guys to his little lizard den, steps halfway into the door, and says, "Honey, I lost my ass tonight!?" She promptly responds, "I bet you did. I told you not play poker with the snakes!" By this time he steps into the door, turns around and says pointing to his backside, "No, seriously!" She's like, "Crap! Not again!"

I think we need more big people in commercials. For example, that old Taco Bell commercial when they come out and yell, "I'm full!" I would have eaten a lot more Taco Bell if a fat guy was in that commercial. (Seriously) If I would have seen a big guy, about two hundred pounds, step out and yell, "I'M FULL!" I'd be like, "I'm going to Taco Bell! They filled that guy up. We gotta go right now."

In Texas, we get salamanders and geckos around the house all the time. A friend text messaged me once and said that she was afraid to go into the laundry room because there was a gecko in there. I asked her if she could catch it for me. She said that she wasn't going near it because she was scared the death of them. I told her that if she could catch it she could save at least 15% or more on her car insurance. I had a good laugh anyway.

I have always liked meatier, healthier girls. Seeing a skinny girl wasn't attractive to me. I asked a good buddy why he thought I was attracted to only them. He said that it's all a part of attraction. So I asked him and I quote, "So, you think I'm Bounty?" He replies, "What?" I say, "You know? The quicker, thicker, picker upper?" I thought he was going to die of laughter.

Someone I knew had this girlfriend that became a lesbian. She always came home drunk saying that she just got messed up with gin and brandy. Yeah, come to find out that gin was short for Jennifer and brandy was spelled with an "I". That conversation went from alcohol to lesbianism in about 5.2 seconds.

I think about funny stuff all the time. They say that some of the truest saddest stuff in life makes a great comedy routine.

I think it would be funny to scotch guard the soap and watch someone try to wash with it. They would find it real hard to get the damn thing to produce a lather. Wouldn't you think?

How about the ever popular 18 hour bra? What's the deal with that? So, after the 18 hours has past, does it blow up? I never knew a woman to wear a bra for 18 hours anyway. Maybe it was created for the blondes that didn't know any better. It could be a part of some blonde training class. The teacher says, "And you'll notice you are wearing a special 18 hour bra, just in case you forget to take it off or you forget what to do when alone with a guy." Maybe it starts to beep after that time. I can see a bunch of guy inventors sitting around thinking. "Hey, we need something that's uncomfortable, will induce sexual thoughts, will sell real well, and after a period of time you'll have to take it off."(Silence) "I got it."

Hey! You could sell peanuts during a vasectomy operation. The doctors are all hovered over the table and then, suddenly, a guy walks in. "Peanuts! Get your hot roasted peanuts." They could've had a guy selling hotdogs at the trial of Loranna Bobbit!

I thought about writing one those how to "dummy" books. I think I would make a lot of money writing one too! I would call it- Wipe your ass for dummies. The first page would have step by step instructions on how one would go about doing this chore and the rest of the pages you could use to do the duty.

"Lump"- The Presidents of the United States of America ("Lump was limp and lonely and needed a shove. Lump slipped on a kiss and tumbled into love. She spent her twenties between the sheets. Life limped along at subsonic speeds.") LOL. It's the only funny song I could think of.

Chapter Thirteen

We Are Only As Good As The Friends We Keep

I am the type of person that could make a friend at any time. I liked that fact. Friendships over the years kept me sane. When it came to friends, the ratio was about three girls to one guy actually being a friend. I loved having friends that were female. These days that means you're stereotyped as being gay. I am far from that. My emotions are scared and feeble but I absolutely love women. They encouraged the companionship I felt I needed. I think my mother moving away and my father not being around played a tremendous part in that. I wanted someone there to understand me and for the most part take care of me. My friends took care of the parts I was missing from my family. My friends were my family.

Although I hid a lot of my problems, I was the first person they ran to if they had one. This is how I felt needed. I figured this was my place in the world, to just simply lend an ear. I loved my friends. I loved them for who they were. I loved the fact that they were there for me.

Just to give you an idea a few of my friends have stuck with me over the years. There is Holly, Claudia, Kendra, Stacy, Tammy, Rachel and Duane from east Texas. There is also JD, Steve, Ken, Rowdy, Kendra, and David from north Texas. I always planned on mentioning all my friends in this book but I began to write them down and thought maybe not. All my friends, past and present, know I mean well. I'm sorry!!! There are a lot of you to mention but thank you all. I do want you to know that all my friends are a big part of my life and this book.

I lost two good friends to suicide. I hate to think of it sometimes. I miss them. Their memory helps me try to finish this book that has taken so long to write.

Bill J. was just one of the good ole boys. He was simple in the way he lead his life. Sometimes, for the lack of targets, he would shoot cans or bottles among other things he found in his yard. He was a country boy at heart. But for the most part he liked to be in the company of his friends. He was always up for a good time or a good party. He was a little brother. He liked to laugh. I talked to him about life and love most of the time. Looking back I can see where Bill had a lot of thoughts just as I did. It seems he had a lot of sadness he was hiding also. That is something we never talked about though. I mean we semi-ignored the signs sometimes. I would've liked to help.

The signs started revealing themselves when Bill called another one of our mutual friends one night while we were all just hanging out and said he was in the hospital. Of course, we were all really concerned until we found out why. He had tried to overdose on aspirin. I don't remember ever being that mad and concerned at the same time. The story behind it was that I had asked the girl he liked to marry me the day before. It was all an attempt to get back at Mandy at the time. She had cheated on me like four times. It was my time to make her feel like shit. Little did I know that it would back fire the way it did. She told me no anyway that night before he called. Bill got out of the hospital and none of us ever mentioned the occasion again.

Less than three months later, Mandy left me in north Texas due to the fact that she didn't have a place for us to live. I only saw Bill one more time. I had come to visit Dad with my new fiancé when I decided to call my friends and see what they were up to. They wanted to come and visit me at Dads. They actually wanted me to join them at a party. I couldn't leave my fiancé at my parents' house just to go party. So we visited for a little more than an hour that night. I told Bill that I would have to come back to visit again soon. I never got back to visit Bill. I wish I had.

It was late one night when my friend Claudia called me with the news. She asked me if I had heard about Bill. Of course, I said no. Bill had taken his own life due to heartbreak from a girl. It was a pain I all knew too well. He had shot himself two days before. It was my other friend that found him. I broke down then. I told her I couldn't make it to the funeral the next day but I would find a way to say goodbye. This section of this book was my way of saying goodbye. Bill was my friend that was kind of like a soul mate. I tortured myself after his death with regret. I could have been there more for him. Just to let him know that I knew how it was and how it could be. But could I have helped at that point. I think about it constantly. I miss Bill. The world lost one hell of a guy. I knew it as well as anyone.

Tasha M. was the other friend that I miss. She was a girlfriend of mine for about two weeks. She was one of the youngest at the time. Tasha was one of the cutest of all my girlfriends. She was so petite compare to a lot of my girlfriends prior. We met at some sort of festival that was near my house that year. The relationship would have lasted longer if her dad didn't have a problem with his daughter actually having a boyfriend and if I would have known ahead of time about how Mandy was. I broke up with Tasha due to the fact that I had feelings for Mandy all those years. I only got to see her once more before see passed away. I and a couple of friends of mine went to visit her one night after we found out she had broke her leg. It wasn't even a long visit at the time. I told her that I was sorry for my prior actions and she forgave me. I missed her. She was a great friend and an even greater girlfriend. Her dad wasn't very happy we actually dated. Age difference was a big deal. She was still only barely sixteen when we met. Needless to say I wasn't. Her father was due home at any time, so we had to cut the visit short.

Sometime later after Bill died, I got a call from Dad and Mom. Mom told me that Tasha had passed away. A little bit after I left east Texas to be with Mandy, Tasha's father became severely ill. Tasha was taken care of him, her brother, and trying to maintain her own life. They said she had so much stress that she was suffering from bad migraines. She was taken a high medication for the headaches. It just so happened that she accidentally forgot that see already took the dosage she needed. She overdosed with just those few pills. I don't remember how old she was but she was younger than eighteen at the time. Now, all of this was told to me second hand so don't quote me fully of the details of the whole incident. Love you Tasha.

God bless you both, Bill and Tasha!

"I'm Not Okay (I Promise)"- My Chemical Romance ("What will it take to show you that it's not the life it seems? (I'm not okay) I've told you time and time again you sing the words but don't know what it means. (I'm not okay)")

"I Miss You"- Blink 182 ("Don't waste your time on me you're already the voice inside my head (I miss you, I miss you).")
Chapter Fourteen

The Sound of Silence

Okay, now we fast forward to 2007. I know the gap is a big one.

I never said that I was emotionally sound in the way of my own well being. Misty and I spent some silent years just trying to figure out how we differed. I was an open book and she wasn't. I didn't blame her for it. It was how she was taught. It didn't help the matter when she told me to not try to figure her out because she would change if I did. I did it well. I lived everyday as if it were the first. I showed her that I wanted to be there with her. I cared for this woman along with her child that I had taken as my own along with my own daughter. We got along as well as we could.

I worked as hard as possible like my dad had always showed his children. I had many jobs. I had too many to count at the moment. I was never happy at one particular job. I kept food on the table and the rent stayed current. When I was without that stability, Misty worked with her mother to keep up. We had our share of the hard times.

I spent many years upset due to the fact that the only family I felt I had was Misty and the girls. Dad worked all his life to keep us healthy and sheltered. I love him for it. I got upset that he never called or wrote. It truly broke my heart worse than anything that I felt that I had a father who didn't seem to want to show me he loved me. I still sometimes believe he doesn't really know how. I can't blame him. He grew up that way. There was one incident when Misty and I first lived together. This was way before the time of Katelynn. I got real upset at the fact that Dad wouldn't call or even show himself every once in a while. I was proud to have the support of my little family. I wanted Dad to be a part of my life and to me it seemed that he didn't have the time. Needless to say, this was the first of many things that affected my relationship thus far with my family. The way I looked at it is that I had this damn roller coaster of emotions all my life and no one seemed to want to help me where I needed it. I wanted and needed the love of my father at that time in my life.

It was one of those things that I felt I never had but brutally missed. Please don't get me wrong in the fact that Dad does love his kids. He gave us the life he could with what he could give us. I love him for the fact that he worked to keep us alive.

Many years went by and many fights ensued. I was getting frustrated at the fact that my whole perception of what a family is supposed to be was really tainted. I was fighting with my parents because they never came to visit or called, etc. They were angry with Misty because she was voicing her opinion in my defense. My dad and I stayed irritated at each other for it seems like forever. It was all holding a heavy strain upon me. I was fighting for just someone to listen but no one was. I tried so hard to make things right but in turn something angry was always drudged up again. The woman I trusted with everything in my life wouldn't listen to what I was trying to say. She made a bad choice in the friends she chose at the time. I told her that they were not the type of people she needed to be around but I was again ignored. It seemed very unreasonable for me to even have a opinion at the time. Her take on the subject of her new friends was that these people were the first real friends she had in a while so she didn't feel the need to forget them.

Misty always said that she always understood me in the way I felt. I disagreed with that point. It is hard to understand a situation if in turn you haven't been through it yourself. Her parents never divorced and she never experienced the shit I, my brother, and sister had to go through to get this far.

To make things worse, Misty and I were fighting all the time. We fought over the stupidest crap. I would never talk to her about the problems that I had with my family. I got more irritated that she always down-graded me that I didn't talk to her about every single thing. Why should I have talked to people about the issues I had if I felt no one understood or for that matter even listened to me? My issues were my problems. I didn't feel the need to be a burden to the ones I loved. It was so much easier just to hide it and keep it to myself.

Eventually Misty got tired of me not talking or paying enough attention to her and started to voice that the marriage isn't going to work if I do not communicate with her. She made some pretty awful statements throughout the course of all the endless talks and all I could do is to tell her that I was okay and to not leave me. Not getting all these problems out lead to the demise of the relationship. She asked me to leave one night and I did. Whether she meant for us to take a break from each other for a while or not, she just told me to leave. To me this was the end of the relationship as far as us being together was concerned. The basis of the whole thing was she felt that I didn't love her any longer. That wasn't the fact that made me leave that night. It hurt so badly that someone actually told me to leave.

I had a lot of things to carry on my shoulders and really didn't want to burden anyone else with all the issues I was facing. My issues within myself were to be dealt with by me and me alone. I could not disregard or disengage all the feelings I was having at the time. It may have been the case that I didn't feel I could've loved Misty as well as she loved me. If she loved me as much as she said she did, why did she push me into the negative?

I hesitated packing my stuff but I knew for me I had to go. It wasn't so much as her giving me a way out than as it was the feeling of not being loved by anyone. I knew that to better myself I had to change. I was betraying my own self in the way I saw myself. The old me would've stayed that night and fought until the last tear drop. As I left, I severely damaged my own heart. I thought of all the bad things that had happened throughout the course of our marriage. I asked, "Why was all this crap happening?, When did I become this empty?, and Why do these things happen to good people?"

I guess that was the basis of everything. I felt no one understood the complexity, the battle just to be a part of something, and the simple fact that I needed to be happy. And last but not least, nice guys always seem to finish last.

"Heavy"- Collective Soul ("Complicate this world you wrapped for me. I'm acquainted with your suffering. And all your weight, it falls on me. It brings me down. And all your weight, it falls on me. It falls on me.")

"Change The World"- Finger Eleven ("I just want the best for you girl, but I don't think I really know what that means. I know you bring out the best of me and I know you're sick of abstract things. But time has been kind in a weird kind of way 'cause I've been waiting for this feeling to leave. If I can hold onto this feeling this long, maybe I can get you to hold me. Don't you believe, girl? You change the world, at least you change the world for me.")
Chapter Fifteen

I think I got it. Thanks.

The more that I go on and the more I understand the way this screwy world works, some things are still unbelievable to me. Everyone's perception of a hardship in their life is always different from another. That's the way it is unique. There are two truths in life that are constant for me. It's sad that the world persecutes itself so that these two things remain.

1. Nice guys always finish last.

2. People cause their own afflictions.

These are the two that will be around indefinitely. I say this because it happens every day. You hear about it through the whispers and conversations. I am not saying that I myself am immune to those two facts. It's human nature that we persecute ourselves and others involuntarily.

I am lead to believe therein that nice guys finish last. I will admit that to the fullest. I was made to believe that. It's a truth mainly in business. It seems that the truthful, hard workers of the industry will constantly be shoved under the bus to be run over by the upper class. Raises and promotions are given to undeserving people every day. While we stand unrecognized and under paid questioning the fact of why the asshole still works for the company. Retail is the worst environment in which they try so hard to prove that they are not. Nice people will continue to be the bystanders that get stuck in dead end jobs. I did it for years...I know.

I think it all comes down to personality traits. Good hearted people, the B and C personalities, aren't fitted to work within the hate filled, fast paced retail environments. The funny thing is that retail strives upon the hiring of the good natured. The most important aspect of retail sales is customer service. Without the underpaid cashier that greets you upon entering the store or without the helpful beauty assistant the store would be lost. Think about this the next time you go to the store. Try to point out the good people from the fake.

In love, we fail most times. So many times the loves of our lives fall out of reach. Sometimes we get lucky. This even goes back as far as high school. Movies have been made about it. It is awesome to see the big shot lose and the loser win. Both sexes play these foolish games with each other. We hardly ever get anywhere with them.

Take me for example. I spent many years trying to understand the opposite sex. My very good friends are female. I understand more of them than I do my own gender. They say I fell short in love due to I was trying too hard and loving to long. That may be a contradiction of sorts. We all grow up wanting someone to try too hard and love us forever. I was the guy that wanted to prove that I was going to be the greatest fan of your life. I was... captivated by women. I was a crying shoulder to ease the pain and the one that hung from your every word. But like all great tragedies, I was left to many times in the wake of undying love. I was a love addiction and a love suicide. I was engaged four to almost five times throughout my life. I was always the person to be broke up with.

I hear women talk about the perfect man and men do the same when talking of women. Emails are sent through the net describing what we do for each other and what we would like in a partner. I'll put it to you in a way that is easy for me to explain. Nice people are a hard find. There are always going to be bitches and assholes. We have made each other that way for centuries. It's always been the case of once bitten, twice shy. A person can only take so much. A disgruntled man or woman will always show that they have been hurt before. No one wants to have the same hurt over and over again.

I think the point is that be careful of the ones you hurt. Nice guys will always think they finish last. Try not to turn them into hateful people.

We often cause our own afflictions. You don't even feel the pain. We tend to play the victim far too often. I do it. You do it. We all do it. Our privation of experience is our downfall. We always regret the bad decisions we make. Some people say they don't regret anything (that also being a contradiction.) They say you shouldn't regret things for at one time whatever it was is exactly what you wanted at the time. At any given time, everyone regrets. If even for a brief second, a day, or a week, you regret it when it happens and falters your perceptions. People are far too wrapped up in feeling sorry for themselves'. A lot of people think that the world is persecuting them. I'm sorry, there's a high chance that it just doesn't happen that way. Not many people have the goal to ruin your life. You are in control of whom and what enters your life.

I know that many people don't have the same views as I do. This is where I am at now. I say things like "Nice guys finish last." I believe that life for me has gone this way. I don't live it out through everything I do. I try not to.

"Ugly"- The Exies ("I don't care, you don't care. I'm bitter, you're angry. You don't care, I don't care. You love you, just like me. I blame you, you blame me. I'm bitter, you're angry. You don't care, I don't care. You love you, like me.")

Chapter Sixteen

Everything Jen

Misty was my answer to a lot of my life's trials. I loved her the only way I knew how. I was content in the way of the relationship. It was the communication meltdown in the end that made me seek the change I needed. I was headed down a one way street the wrong way really fast. I could not get anyone to see the fact that I wanted to control this malfunction. I had lost the ability to make myself happy and caused everyone to feel it just as bad. I had lost the fight that I wanted to fight but I was too weak.

When I left that night, I felt I didn't really know where to go. I had to leave a house that held a lot of precious things and felt I had nothing. I had family and friends, but who was there for the person that was there for everyone else? Even though I didn't like my step-father at the time, I moved in with mom. I hid a lot of the hurt that I was going through that night. I didn't feel the need to show how defenseless I really was.

Two calls were made that night. One was to my mother and the other was to a friend named Jennifer. Jen and I had been talking for a while just as friends. She was the only one I could talk to at the time. We had come from very similar backgrounds. Our lives were generally both riddled with the obscurities of bad timing. I felt she understood a lot of things Misty did not due to those similarities. Whether it was right or wrong at time was still subject of criticism. I just wanted to be comforted by someone that wasn't family. Seems to be a little bit of history repeating don't you think? Jen was becoming another bright light that came to comfort me.

At the time, my heart had taken a lot of erosion due to the river of emotions dealt out over the years. Jen and I met through another friend. I had known her for about four years. She used to visit me when I worked in a photo lab. She had moved away for a while but then moved back around the time Misty and I were having serious issues. Jen was this cute, blue-eyed, red headed woman that always had something to say. She called me from our friends' phone one night and we talked. What happened next was a surprise. She came into my work late that night. For the first time, I was shocked to see her there.

Jen was seven years younger than me. People say that it doesn't make a bit of difference if you love one another. I say it makes no difference once you are past a certain age. I started dating Jen about two weeks after I left. I know that looks bad. I was still married but dating. With me, you either have me or had me. Misty told me to leave and I considered that the end. Within several months, Misty and I were divorced. I loved her and the girls but with everything that was said and everything I had to endure, I was injured. I didn't want to suffer again.

Jen was wonderful in understanding that I was coming out of a marriage. We took care of each other. I felt special again. I showed her everyday that I could take her heart and care for it. It was something that I had done all my life. I took care of the ones I loved. Now, if I was taking care of me is yet another story. She caught me falling and in turn I fell for her.

I wanted to do everything she did. I needed to be around a person that kept me busy. Again, I had known her for four years prior to our relationship. It wasn't like I barely knew this woman. When the relationship started, I was invincible. Nothing was going to bruise this relationship. We had a lot of things in common verses me and Misty in which we were night and day.

Five months later, Misty and I got a divorce. I truly thought that this was where I wanted to be. I missed Misty, the girls, and the life I had shared with them. It was time to move forward.

I was in complete awe of Jennifer. I loved the way she said certain things, the way she thought that certain things I did was cute, and the way she was passionate about so many things. I treated her like she was a goddess. I tried to give her anything that she needed to feel safe with me. I wanted this relationship to be better than any ones before it. I felt at the time that I would never be hurt by her as much as I hurt before. With her, I was simply left breathless.

I wanted our relationship to be absolutely wonderful. I felt that I was truly being understood. We spent so many times talking that if we had a problem with each other, we would talk it out. We wanted the relationship to go as smooth as possible. They say that if you greatly love something, you surround yourself with it. I wanted to trust her with everything sacred. I just wanted her to know who I was. We spent ten wonderful months together. I really thought she was going to stay. It's hard when you are stuck up on that shelf. That place where you never see the change that is coming.

The rush of feelings I had for her was too much. She couldn't express the same love for me. I wanted her to be in that same place I was. I had this great idea of how I needed to be loved and she wasn't ready to open that portion of her heart. She was still too young. I had handed her a heart truly worth breaking. Some of those pieces will never be put back into the right place.

"Over My Head (Cable Car)"- The Fray ("I never knew. I never knew that everything was falling through. That everyone I knew was waiting on a cue. To turn and run when all I needed was the truth. But that's how it's got to be. It's coming down to nothing more than apathy. I'd rather run the other way than stay and see the smoke and who's still standing when it clears.")

"Keep Your Memory Vague"- Finger Eleven ("I'll keep your memory vague so you won't feel bad about me. I'll say the things that you said sometimes so it reminds me.")

Chapter Seventeen

Now There's a Category for Every Song

Denial was my best friend throughout the break-up. I say that in good stride. Jen had made a place inside my tender heart and now I had to live with the fact that I was alone once more. I really took it bad. It was the worst that I have ever taken a break up. You only hear about love stricken melt downs as bad as I was. I guess it came from the suppression of emotions throughout both relationships. I never really dealt or came to terms with the fact of Misty telling me to leave. The way I looked at it was that two women, both I love nonetheless for different reasons, told me to leave. You got to realize that this was supposed to be the end of my story. I didn't want to go on to even more chapters of this book than necessary. I had to put much risk into this thing called happily ever after.

The point was that she needed her freedom. On the other hand, she was the one I ran to in order to get away. But, who could blame her? She still had her young adult life to live. She wanted to pursue her dreams, whatever they were or what might come along. I don't blame her as much as I blame myself. I really should have known what I was getting myself into from the beginning. I should have said what I wanted from the start. Maybe the fork in the road could have been diverted.

I tried everything in my power to find out why this had to happen and why did she not feel the same as me on the basis of love. Many tears were given to something I got my hopes up for. The more I tried to talk to her, the more I got no place at all. She had already made up her mind. She needed her space. I just needed to be in her life but constantly was left out in the cold.

After the realization that she wasn't going to come back, I wanted to hate her. I wanted her to feel sorry for ever leaving and I was mad for ever falling for her. I wanted her to relate the saddest songs to our love. I wanted her to miss me so bad it hurt and I wanted her to think of how bad she had torn my heart from my chest. I tried so hard. This is where I fail myself. I am to forgiving. I couldn't hate her. Even though people were telling me awful shit about her right and left, I refused to listen. I didn't care. I wanted to keep on loving her because she is the one that pushed me to change things inside myself. I was happier when I was with her.

Taking for granted that my father raised me to be loyal and respectable towards women, people have said that I treated Jen to good. I was in love. I treated her the way a woman should be treated. I wanted the world to know that she was truly special to me. It made a difference that I had already been married, I had kids, and I had lived the life of the married man. Our relationship was a win/lose for me. I shared so much of myself with her and she refused to let me know who she was. I am not saying that she didn't try. I think it was that I was trying too hard to get her to do so.

I had fought so hard for the relationship that wasn't meant to happen. I hold nothing against her....well maybe a little a little more than I will admit. I fought for the friendship just as hard. That's something I never wanted to do before. Way back when, with other people in different times, I could care less if I was friends with an ex-lover. I still love her greatly but time has that certain way to ease pain. I feel bad that we weren't meant to be together. I still don't really know how to feel some times. I know that she tried to open up as much as she could just to give me the stability I so desperately needed.

Maybe someday she'll think of me the way I used to be. I believe she has already passed the time lapse of severing any feelings. She has become just another spot of light in my once upon a time black tunnel. There will never be a Jen and me. She has become the biggest regret of all. I moved on.

"Calling"- Taproot ("You're ca-ca-ca-calling, but I can't hear you. I'm not listening anymore. You're subject to falling but I can't save you. I don't see you anymore.")

"Feel Good Drag"- Anberlin ("Was this over before...before it ever began? Your kiss, your calls, your crutch. Like the devil's got your hand. This was over before...before it ever began. Your lips, your lies, your lust. Like the devil's in your hands.")

Chapter Eighteen

A Light to Free Me from My Burden

Throughout my life, I have persevered. I wouldn't be the man I am today without the pain-staking road I had to walk for so many years. I'll admit that I have grown up to fast. Not many of us stay young as long as we need to. I literally worried my life away as a child. Now was the time for change. Change was my new light.

So, without the added stress of maintaining a relationship, I decided to reflect on why things can't stay constant. I needed to work on a lot of things. I needed to set goals, get back on track with old friends, get to know my father, and find the things that made me happy. (Things other than making others happy before myself).

I had to change because for so long I hated the concept of it. It was my one and only vice. I had already taken the medication route a few years back when I was with Misty and long before I figured out that there was no cure in it. I think I could not be another person willed to take a form of pill just to be content with myself. Sure I had a lot of depersonalization issues, but I was determined. I caught a lot of people off guard when I decided not to be so much a kid any longer. I guess no one expected it at the time. The conception at the time was that Kerry was the one you had to talk sweet words to, the drama induced version of a man compared to a whiney teenager, and the emotional downfallen that at times you had to ignore because no one needed that headache. I never had a will power so to speak on any other issue. Lord knows I should have on some things.

The depression in me never truly goes away. It has greatly diminished throughout this time of self improvement though. I still have emotional outburst tendencies and it's hard for me to see things beyond my reasoning sometimes, but I am happier now than ever before. It was really hard for people to believe that in time I would be able to conquer it, to get over that hump, and to eventually stop relying on those spots of light to change me.

Within me, it was all a state of mind. If I got upset that no one ever called to check up on me like I did them, there was no reason to call anymore. At the age of twenty eight, I finally found the peace of mind I needed. My happiness comes from making others happy and from others around me being happy. It has always been that way. I have had enough negativity in my life.

I had put myself out there for people for so long that I was tired of being dragged in the mud. The weight of others people's problems was heavy. But that's how I felt needed. Yet, I stress the issue of causing my own frustrations.

The best thing for me at the time was the love of family and more importantly friends. I have to give great thanks to them. Yet, the strength inside to feel the happiness I deserved was my greatest stride.

I've lost several friends. It's sad to find out about the ones that don't care about you. I actually cared more for one of those friends that I wanted her love also. After all was said and done, she infused this rage that lay dormant for so many years. The same rage that I tried to hide from so many. She threw our friendship away. My reactions to her mistrust lead to the ending of two other friendships. I had to do what was better for me. I regretfully bowed out of all trying to sever what I thought we had as far as friendships.

As soon as I figured out that I couldn't be there for the ones that didn't reciprocate the same feelings, I started feeling better. Everything started to turn around. My relationship with my father got closer. Thank God that happened when it did. What made us different was the fact that we were the same but didn't know how to tell each other.

-Kerry R. Jeffrey, lifelong friend to many and free of heart for the most part of a courageous life, died last night due to complications of a tender heart. Jeffrey, age 30 was never before strong willed enough to beat his emotions but in his final days he was awakened and revealed an unknown side of himself yet to his life. The events that lead up to his demise, proved that he was the strongest of us all. He beat his transgressions and became the man everyone knew he could be. Happy.

I wrote that last part because my old self was finished. He was gone when I decided to love me for who I was.

I don't know who said or wrote it but I would love to give credit to the one that said, "I am strong because I am weak, I am beautiful because I know my flaws, I am a lover because I am a fighter, I am fearless because I have been afraid, I am wise because I know I have been foolish....and I can LAUGH because I have known sadness." That, my friend is a good close to this chapter.

"All My Life"- Foo Fighters ("All my life I've been searching for something. Something never comes, never leads to nothing. Nothing satisfies, but I'm getting close. Closer to the prize at the end of the rope. All night long I dream of the day. When it comes around, and it's taking away. Leaves me with the feeling that I fear the most. Feel it come to life when I see your ghost.")

"Change (in the house of flies)"- Deftones ("I watched a change in you. It's like you never had wings. Now you feel so alive. I've watched you change.")

"Innerglow"- Blue October ("Whatever happened to our inner glow? Whatever happened to the song, the soul, the me I used to know? Whatever happened to my radio? Whatever happened to my song? It is my song.")
Chapter Nineteen

Never Cage Something You Want To See Fly

I have spent the better part of my life trying to figure this thing called an illness and put it into a category so that it makes sense to not only myself, but to everyone. Depression is different for different people at various ages. It can be as complex as any other major illness. That's why there is so much research done on the subject. And the more the world stresses the worse it gets.

No one in this world is immune to the fact of depression. No amount of strength, perseverance, or strong mental stability can keep you from feeling sadness. I cannot speak for what everyone else feels at certain times. I can only tell you what I have experienced on a personal basis. Of course, just like any other situation in life, you learn to sympathize with the ones of common mind sets. They always say whatever doesn't kill you only makes you stronger.

Jen, without knowing it, destroyed the idea of what a wonderful thing I thought love was. Instead of finding a path to what I needed, I found a detour and then a road block. If she would have been completely honest with me in the beginning, then the disaster could have been avoided. I finally got to a point where I just didn't give a damn what she thought about her faultiness in our former relationship. Even being just a friend was just tiring. I was exhausted. I was tired of playing the foolish games. She was leaving way before the relationship was over. I guess the point being is that sometimes we must push ourselves to move on. (Whether if it hurts us more or not.) When it comes to relationships and marriage, some people were never meant to look good on paper.

It's all a part of relinquishing all the bad memories. You have to baptize your emotions so to speak. We get stuck in this rut of self pity that even you yourself do not appreciate. No one likes the person that always plays the pity me card. The minute you decide to stop feeling so damn bad for yourself is when you begin to strengthen. There's a darkness inside us all that prevents us from moving forward. It's so easy to think negative in life. Finding the light becomes harder and harder the more you do nothing about it. Self preservation at this point needs to create your emotional states' longevity. The longer you sit around in your darkness, the less apparent in reality your happiness becomes.

I can't say I performed this rescue from the depths of my so called black tunnel all by myself. I will admit that all the small things truly bothered me. The help was there when I needed it whether I wanted it or not. More often I refused it. I refused a lot of people that were just trying to help. I have seen the errors of what I didn't do. I didn't do a lot of things along the way. Things such as possibly could've helped in a way of leading me to emotional salvation. Truth be known, that people tend to care if you let them. My family and friends were there all along but I refused to let them in. My thoughts were that I didn't want my family to worry about me. This was for me to burden not for others to burden for me.

It's this thing called hindsight that kicks us in the ass. It's all a fact of life. If we didn't have it, we would never learn. This is why I say that more often than not that we cause our own afflictions. I know I've had my fair share of looking back. It's funny how that part of reality kicks in. It is funny how in control of yourself you think you are and how unaware you become to the fact that someone actually cares. I don't need to contradict myself at this point. I did have help towards the road of happiness, but I didn't need medication to do so. It was all a mind set. I had a goal and I wanted it so bad that it hurt. It all relates back to fear. The fear of change had a nasty grasp for a very long time. The fear of never becoming the person I was meant to be was a big issue. The fear of becoming a different subdued person on medication was a bigger one.

It's crazy to think about how much love and hurt affects us all. To consider ourselves alive we must obtain love and endure hurt. I want to explain that most times, Love and Hurt are partners. We cause so much others pain in order to be happy. We shy away from so many things in life in order to prevent our self and others to not be so much heartbroken. Many are unwilling to take a chance on a sure thing simply because the world has created an unrealistic risk upon everything.

So many times we hear stories about how we should have done things in life. It's this regret that haunts us continually. The ghosts of these things we have rightfully named Coulda, Shoulda, and Woulda tend to remain in our hind sight.

It's been on my mind a lot lately. I hate the fact that we persecute others for the past we have left. I have felt that I have had to pay for every hurtful word every former lover has stricken across the heart of the ones I was meant to love. How did it ever get to this acquisition? It's so far gone now. Isn't a true love supposed to bind us? Never should it feel like a struggle just to tell others we love them.

This chapter eluded me for quite some time. It seemed like forever to say the least. I wanted to convey the importance of a mind set. Although positive or negative thoughts may lead you, everyone has the will power or determination to fix our own perspectives. Every choice we make is ours and ours alone. It's kind of like the concept of quitting the smoking habit cold turkey. With everything negative throughout the span of my depression, I kept confident with the idea that there was going to be a happier place (A place where I fit in. A place where I was the hero of my story). I was truly done with all the aspects of being sad. I was tired of having paper thin defenses and trying to grin and bare it at every turn where I felt threatened. I felt I needed to rid myself of my shots of emotional pain. I truly needed to be baptized. Vindicated.

Moving past a lot of the pain and letting the hurt subside wasn't easy. You get to where you have to do something. You can only take so much before you snap. Friends and family tend to do a balancing act. If you don't have the support of one, you rely on the other. I felt throughout my childhood that I wasn't the exact fit within my family, so my friends were more important in my world. That is, what little amount of friends I did have. My friends made me feel like I was needed. Even then, having all female friends while looking for some understanding wasn't a bright idea but I sustained.

The point is that your family is bias in the way of your feelings. They know which buttons to push and try not to hurt your feelings most of the time. I believe that's what is missing from a lot of families is simply positive interaction and reinforcement. Your friends depend upon your strengths. My strength was a sense of humor.

My weaknesses far outweighed my one and only positive that I knew I had. I say just one because my other passion in life was art and when you're in your teens it really doesn't bring as much joy as laughter. After all, laughter is the best medicine. When I think back, I wish I had the strength to conquer all the issues a lot earlier. But I was raised to respect others, to fight only when needed, to keep your words sweet in the fear of having to eat them later, and protect your heart from anyone that will leave you crushed. That's the way I saw it. Needless to say, I loved too many. Though their many faults, I still loved with the pieces I had left.

The worst thing was holding in all the rage, the corrupted interjections, and all the intolerable sadness. I became addicted to holding it all in. It's a shame really that you don't understand things until you've experienced them first hand. When everyone told me that holding in all this hurt was eventually going to cause this much torment, I let it slide right off. I was more concerned that people were going to look at me differently if I had that many problems. Like I said, it wasn't anyone else's burden to bear.

The second one was the incapability to open up to anyone. I thought that I was alone and alone I stayed. I really didn't know how to open up as much as I needed to. Hell, most of the time, I didn't know what I was truly upset or emotional about. I know that speaking up about the crazy stuff that upsets us may be one of the hardest things in this world to do. I will attest to it. I never insisted on going against the grain. I single handedly kept myself isolated from the world. You should never cage something you wanted to see fly. I was meant to fly but then again, I always had the fear of falling; of failing. And this is where it all stems from, the fear of failure.

The third one, I guess, is the most vital. Needless to say, I lived for the past. There's a reason I say live for and not live in. I wanted the past to somehow come back. I had become so reliant on my own pain in the effort to help others that I tended to stay there with it. I was addicted to something even more harmful in an effort to decrease pain.

Helen Keller was quoted in saying, "When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us."

The truth is that I despised other people that always blamed their past for the irrationalities in their lives. Secretly I hated the one thing that was a major part of who I was. I hated it because I knew that it was a part of me that I wasn't ready to change.

No matter how many good days I could have, I was always going to go home feeling not quite myself. I believe that the saddest people in the world are the ones that'll try to convince you that there is nothing wrong more often. Maybe, that's why clowns are creepy.

As I've said, the study of depression is a long lasting one. Depression can only be subdued or suppressed. The mind just works that way. God gave us the gift of memories to learn from our faults in hopes of not doing them again. It's not here for you to use as an excuse to fall on black days. The hardest part isn't finding who we want to be, it's being content in the fact of who we need to be.

It's up to you want you keep or bring to your life. You can't let this broken heart disease called depression destroy you.

"Life of My Own"- 3 Doors Down (" Kiss me while I'm still alive. Kill me while I kiss the sky. Let me die on my own terms. Let me live and let me learn. Now I've followed my own way, I'll live on to another damn day. Freedom carries sacrifice; remember when this world's my life.")

"I Believe"- Blessid Union of Souls ("But I believe that love is the answer. I believe that love will find the way.")

Chapter Twenty

Changing of the Seasons

You know the part of the dream when you realize that it is in fact only a dream? Better yet, the relief you feel when you wake up to find the nightmare isn't real? I know that feeling. There is really nothing you can do when you believe what you see is real. As you can see, I try to explain certain things so that I can relate to you on some sort of common ground.

There's a reason why this chapter is titled as such. We all change like the seasons. Most of us hate the fact of change. Some of these seasons we face are longer than others. We all like to think we are living the dream but sometimes we wake up to find that what we see for ourselves is the nightmare. I had to wake up from a dream. I had to learn that my season of hurt needed to end. The past is what I got to let go. As hard as that is sometimes, I have too. The hardest lesson to learn is to let go. I want to believe in myself. I want to be someone who believes.

I started writing with the belief that I was going to be happier. I poured my heart and soul into something I believed that in fact could be a reality. I want to say "I did this!"

Soon after my world had crashed, I decided to move on. I realize that sentence was typed faster than it took to actually move on. I needed to be comfortable again. I lived with my mother at the time, so I could not just leave and go about my single life. Single life does not suite me in the least. It took some time to find a path. Along the way I lost a new car and had to make many sacrifices, but I made it through. I also found a love I had known for years but never felt.

This being the last part of this book, I really wanted to tell you that everything in the world was aligned once again. But, then again, I'd be lying. It was better though. I found myself, I found my family, and I found the love I needed. Misty and I began to talk again. I found a new love that I never knew we had, the love of myself. It took me so many wasted years to realize that everyone loves to hear that you love them, but more so, they love to feel it. I loved to feel needed. As for Misty and I, we were together for another year and a half. It took us that long to figure that we weren't meant to be. We never remarried within that time and I guess it was fate that we hadn't. It was hard for me to love her for the woman she was and even harder for her to accept it. After living in the same house and feeling like I was the babysitter, I decided to move out after six months. That's way longer than anyone could have imagined me staying in a house where I didn't feel quite as loved as before. It was me just being stubborn in a way.

It took some time to sort out feelings and the adjustment to being single really suddenly in my life, but it was my choice. I could have stayed and fought for her but truly, I saw it going the exact same way it always went. I love her and there was no doubt of that but not the same way as I did. This was the only way I was going to be happy and carry on.

I had to find that one person that'll be truly happy with me.....myself.

Everyone deserves to be happy. I once had a dark tunnel. It's a little bit different now. I turned a lot of those spots of lights into beacons that defeated that darkness.

There is one thing I have learned for sure and it's that it's only in dreams and in love that are we vulnerable, yet we depend on both in order to feel alive.

Thanks for the Memories

One of the most wonderful things about Kerry is that he is a wonderful friend. He is someone I admire as well as love. I have many wonderful memories with him and I know I will have a lifetime more. He gives anyone and everyone a beautiful gift that's worth more than all the money in the world. It is laughter and a smile. I hope he never changes. God blessed me by sending Kerry into my life. I can't count the many times I needed his shoulder to cry on. Thank you so much. You are the best Kerry Jeffrey. Love Ya!

\- Kendra Hall (Brooks)

When I was in 8th grade, I moved back to Texas from Missouri and Kerry was one of the first to befriend me. It was harder for me to make friends. I was not what you would call a popular kid. I was not from a wealthy family although wealth is so much more than money and I was a newcomer. I was the kind of kid that joked around and cut up to get attention. I always tried to "fit" in with people but I didn't need to with Kerry. In 8th grade Kerry was a very funny, talented, caring and giving person that would always be there as a friend and that continued into high school. Kerry invited me over to his house on several occasions although looking back I might have kind of invited myself. Kerry was a really good friend to me throughout school and is still a good friend today although we have not seen each other in years. I am privileged to say that he is one of my friends and I will never forget how much his friendship helped me in life. Friends are one of the most important things a person can have and this is my way of saying thank you Kerry for being one of mine.

\- Duane Gross

When you're in high school, you think you will never grow up. When you grow up, you think you were never in high school. It's kind of crazy to look back at all of the years and realize you really didn't walk away with much. I mean who really cares if you made a rough draft before your final copy or how you got to the answer to the algebra problem? The things I took with me into adulthood were great people. People I love like family. I have a close knit of people that I spent most of my school days with and we get together when we can to enjoy memories and our families. One of those friends is Kerry.

I don't have the best memory so I can't say for sure when we first met. I think it was around seventh grade. It's the most awkward age for any child. Junior high was when you started to find yourself, and maybe lost a little of yourself too. I remember Kerry and I rode the same bus to and from school. He was this tall, skinny kid with a bush of white blond hair and a laugh that either made you join in or drove you crazy. I happen to love laughing, so I always joined in!! We were compatible friends from the beginning and since I am not really shy, I got all the information in the first bus ride. I knew then that he was someone who would imprint on my life and make me a better person for knowing him.

Kerry was what you would call the class clown. He always had a witty quip for any conversation and a comeback for any remark. He still does. You can't be mad around Kerry or sad for very long. He won't allow it. He is the glue that keeps us connected and we love him all the more for it. This book took a lot out of Kerry but he has given so much to us. I cannot imagine a world without you my friend. I hope we still get together in the next thirty years and we can toast to your success at life. I am thankful to call you a friend.

\- Stacie Walker (Owens)

When I was in the 9th grade, I had world geography class with Kerry. I always looked forward to this class due to the fact that it didn't matter how my day was going, I knew it was about to get better. For Kerry always had a way to make me laugh and turn my day around. Kerry would tell jokes and sometimes use silly voices to make me laugh. Kerry was part of the group I hung out with, in some ways he was best of us. He was the guy you could tell your secrets too and you knew, even if he didn't agree with you he would still stick by you. He has helped me in many ways; he has been a shoulder to cry on, someone to cheer me up, and a caring and honest friend. I still enjoy listening to his jokes and hearing about his two beautiful kids. I admire his ability to be honest and his ability to draw and laugh at just about anything. In many ways I am a better person because he is my friend.

-Tammy Wheat

There are few people you meet in high school you want to forget and some you can't forget. When I met Kerry, I thought he was one of the sweetest guys I'd ever met. He always knew what to say to me if I was upset and did a great job. He always drew pictures for me (which I loved). One year he got me a little stuffed bunny for Easter. No one had ever gone to the trouble like he did to make me smile. I always wondered why he never asked me out. If he had of.... I would have said yes. Like I said before, there's some you want to forget but Kerry is one who you will cherish forever. A great friend and a great person! Here's to long lasting friendships.

\- Rachel Barton (Dunklin )

On my eighteenth birthday, I received a present from Kerry. It was a big teddy bear I lovely named Jeffrey. I named him after Kerry, kind of. Jeffrey became my best friend substitute as I went through college, as I started my adult life, and when I could not see my friend. Jeffrey has since been passed on to my children and still continues to wear our senior shirt. I'm not sure how it happened but somehow the connection between Jeffrey, Kerry, and I is so strong. It seems like every time there's a crisis in my life, Kerry instinctively knows that my heart strings are pulling at his and he seems to call at the perfect time. The line that runs between my heart and Kerry's has no call waiting, dropped calls, busy signals, and it always has service. I couldn't imagine not having Kerry in my life and I love him so much.

\- Claudia Wyatt

Wow!! Kerry wrote a book! Very interesting and intriguing! I always saw Kerry walking down the halls at school, and it was always like a ray of sunshine. Never ever did I see him without a smile on his face. Kerry dated one of my best friends in high school so I was always on the outside looking in. When I was around Kerry my cheeks hurt from smiling and laughing the entire time. When I would look at Kerry I would think his life must be perfect because if it wasn't then how could he be so full of happiness all the time. I also know how Kerry treated his girlfriend and he treated her like a princess. She was the center of his world.

Kerry was an awesome boyfriend which was something that I wanted badly just by watching him with her. Anyway, needless to say after 10+ years since I have seen Kerry, my memories of him are of that smiling face, his contagious laughter, the joy that seemed to follow him everywhere, and the joy and happiness that he brought to everyone who encountered him. Congratulations to Kerry and his amazing adventure that this book has been for him as well as others.

\- Melissa Long

We met in the spring of 1998 when I was forced by my mother to spend my spring break visiting family. Although we are related, we had never met each other before this time due to living in different states. Upon arriving at our Aunt Evelyn's house, I was surrounded by a ton of people that I did not know and had probably met at some point in my life but did not remember. In the midst of all these people stood a person that seemed kind of like me even though different states and a few years age difference separated us. Both of us were shy but when you get to know us we never shut up, and both with biting sarcasm. This person was you. Even though we did not spend a lot of time together that day, I kind of felt like I had finally met someone in my family that made sense to me and that I felt I could mesh with.

Although there were a few years that we lost contact, when we finally found each other again it was as if that time had never passed. I finally found someone that I can talk to about anything with, and I do mean ANYTHING. Whether it's listening to me complain about stuff going on in life or just to listen to the utmost random stuff that pops out of my head, I don't quite know if you realize how much you mean to me. I always say that you are like the brother I never had (although you're my cousin), but you are actually more than that to me and words can never truly express how much I appreciate you (even though I never say it.) I just hope that you realize that I will always be here for you at any time of day and anywhere life takes us both.

I never really understood or tried to fit in with my family and since meeting you, I see that while family is important, it is also important to create your own niche instead of trying to fit yourself into a mold that you would never go into. Although sometimes you drive me absolutely insane (when you wake me up with random things) I'm sure the feeling is mutual. Just remember that although I may be a deer widow every October, you have traveled to places in Arkansas I've never seen. I love you and wish only the best things for you in life and know that anything you put your mind to will be achieved. Don't let people get you down, and when they do, just remember that I will always be here to help you pick back up the pieces. I love ya!

-Jessica Hardin (Lowe)

You know, who could have ever imagined that four little words can change your life? Those little words were, "Smile. It becomes you." It changed my world and life forever. From the moment he uttered those words, I knew. I knew that I had met a person that would be a part of my life forever. No matter where my life would take me, he would be there.

Kerry is the type of person that brings a passion to things and to others. It's hard for him to find anger in anything. He's the most caring, loving, nicest guy you'll ever meet. Everyone that knows him loves him. His compassion for others is life-long. As long as I have known him, he has hardly met someone that he hasn't cared for. He has made his life from caring for others; loving others. He never has a bad day. Even if he did, you'd never know.

Kerry's past and relationships with his family are not the greatest at times, but he has always been there for us. He has been a wonderful dad to our children. He has always been out to prove everyone wrong in life and love. Kerry has always tried to change the world and everyone in it. He changed my life and also the lives of his friends. He will continue to change lives as long as he can. If you're fortunate enough to meet him, he'll change yours.

\- Misty Gage

Anyone that knows me knows that I surround my life with kindness and love. Family and friends are first and foremost. I have never put myself first when it comes to the love I give them. My greatest friends, it seems, have been around for it seems like forever. I love them as family and sometimes I treat them better than myself. I am blessed with a lot of sisters and a couple of brothers. I wouldn't trade them for the world.

A big thank you goes out to all of you. You know who you are. I never thought I'd love this big group of people as much as I do. Thank you for being there for me and I am forever thankful for you. This book was written for you. So that you can be a part of my life as much as you've been a part of me.
