-Welcome to "The Tonight Show."
Thank you so much for watching.
I appreciate it.
I want to welcome
Damon and Stro.
Welcome back, guys!
[ Cheers and applause ]
Nice to see you guys again.
-Yay!
-We missed you.
Alright, get ready for --
You better really laugh it up
for these jokes.
Here we go.
You are now the audience,
as well as the band.
Let's get to some news here.
Well, guys, as coronavirus cases
keep going up
and President Trump's approval
rating keeps going down,
he's decided
to bring back something
we haven't seen in a while.
Check it out.
-Three months later,
unable to hold his rallies
and floundering in the polls,
President Trump
announces that
televised briefings are back.
-That's right --
today was Trump's
first coronavirus briefing
in almost three months
or, as that's known
in Trump time,
about 82 tell-all books.
The briefing got off
to a rough start
when Trump asked the press,
"Okay, what did I miss?"
"Too much."
I'm going to say it once more --
three months.
Yeah, usually when someone
disappears for three months,
they end up on their own episode
of "Unsolved Mysteries."
That's right --
Trump's briefings are back.
Really? This is like
Samsung bringing back
their exploding Galaxy phone.
The press secretary
also said the briefings
will focus on Trump's
accomplishments on the virus.
So at least they'll be short.
I'm excited
the briefings are back,
'cause I just want to see what
kind of treatments
Trump comes up with on the spot.
[ As Trump ] Have we tried
canceling the virus?
Can we get it
canceled on Twitter?
#CoronavirusOverParty?
[ Normal voice ] There was
actually a fun moment
during the briefing
when a reporter yelled,
"Hey, it's Chris Wallace,"
and Trump dove under the podium.
But while Trump is holding
coronavirus briefings,
Dr. Fauci will spend the week
preparing for his
next big public appearance.
-The Washington Nationals
have just announced
that Dr. Anthony Fauci,
a great Nats fan,
will throw out the
ceremonial first pitch
on opening day this Thursday,
against the New York Yankees.
-First of all,
not to be a downer, CNN,
but I'm not sure Dr. Fauci
throwing out a first pitch
qualifies as breaking news.
Dr. Fauci will throw out the
first pitch on Thursday.
It's a great idea,
until he spends 20 minutes
rubbing his balls with Purell.
[ Tuba plays ]
[ Laughter ]
Welcome back.
Welcome back, Damon.
Fauci is a small man,
so he's going to wear
one of those tiny helmets
they serve ice cream in.
[ Laughs ]
You know Trump
is jealous about this.
But, look, if he wants to
stand in front
of thousands of empty seats,
he could just go back to Tulsa.
-Ooh!
[ Laughter ]
-Yeah, as sports
begin to return,
it's still not safe
for fans to be in attendance.
Well, a Pittsburgh area company
said they developed
something that might help.
Watch this.
-Aeras Fog Company developed
a drone
with enough power
to sanitize entire stadiums
in three hours using
electrostatic technology.
-Which is great,
until 10 minutes later,
when a bunch of fans carrying
the virus show up for the game.
[ Laughter ]
The company was like, "Relax.
All we're going to do is fly
a giant robot around
while we drop chemicals
from the sky.
What's the big deal?
What's the big 'D'?"
That's right -- we've gone from
Air Force flyovers
to a guy operating a drone
from a lawn chair.
Baseball fans were like,
keep that for next season
and just fill it with beer.
Moving on, a new study by
the National Sleep Foundation
found 20% of Americans
sleep with their eyes open.
20%. Tariq, isn't that crazy?
Yeah, I'm practically
speechless, too.
Can you imagine sleeping
with your eyes open?
Tariq?
Hello?
-[ Snoring ]
-Is he snoring?
Can someone take off
his glasses?
-I'll try. Here.
♪♪
-Tariq, what's going on, bud?
-[ Snoring ]
-Tariq, are you...
I think he's sleeping
with his eyes open.
-I don't know.
He must be one of them 20%.
-Is there any way to see what
he's dreaming about?
Do we have that technology?
[ Harp plays ]
Hey, it's us hanging out
before social distancing.
I can't be mad about that.
[ Laughs ]
-Aah!
-Tariq, what?
-Yeah, sorry about that, man.
I was just having a nightmare.
-Tariq Trotter, everyone.
-Wait. Where are my glasses?
♪♪
-Well, guys, some TV news.
[ Laughter ]
Yeah.
-One more.
[ Laughter ]
-Guys, some TV news.
After being delayed for several
months because of COVID,
it looks like "The Bachelorette"
is coming back.
-Clare Crawley
hasn't let a pandemic
get in the way of finding love.
They're shooting in Palm Springs
at the La Quinta
Resort & Club.
The entire cast and crew
is quarantining
at the resort before shooting.
-Don't worry.
They're being very careful.
They don't get in
a hot tub together.
They sit in two separate tubs
like a Cialis commercial.
And this is good.
Each episode
ends with Clare asking,
"Will you accept
this nose swab?"
This is interesting, though,
actually, 'cause, usually,
the Bachelorette and the winner
become socially distant
after the show, so...
Meanwhile, at this very moment,
the Bachelor Mansion
is being hosed down by
the chemical drone, so...
Well, this is exciting.
Oh! I love this story.
I saw that Cheez-Its
is bringing back its box
that's half house wine,
half Cheez-Its.
It comes out on Thursday.
Take a look at this.
That's right!
Boxed wine and Cheez-Its,
the official breakfast
of quarantine.
Nowadays,
Americans are thinking,
"I need something stronger.
You got Flamin' Hot Doritos
and absinthe?"
It's a good thing to buy at
the self-checkout machine
so you don't have to make
eye contact with the cashier.
