GOING  * WHAT A GIFT.
MEANWHILE THE WOKE-A-DILE IS
LIKE A CROCODILE.
YOU CAN TRY TO APPEASE THE
WOKE-A-DILE.
SLEEPY JOE IS GOBBLED UP BID
HARRIS WHO CLAIMS HE'S A RACIST.
AOC IS ACCUSING NANCY PELOSI OF
TARGETING PEOPLE OF COLOR IN HER
OWN PARTY.
IT'S CREATING WHAT I CALL WOKE
SHAG RINKAGE.
PRETTY --.
WOKE SHRINKAGE.
PRETTY SOON THE DEMOCRATIC PARTY
WILL BE A PARTY OF ONE.
AND IT WILL BE THIS PERSON.
BUT SOME ADULTS ARE SOUNDING THE
ALARM.
B.E.T.'S FOUNDER SAID THIS ABOUT
THE DEMOCRATS.
>> THE PARTY HAS MOVED TORE ME
PERSONALLY TOO FAR TO THE LEFT.
FOR THAT REASON I DON'T HAVE A
CANDIDATE IN THE PARTY AT THIS
TIME.
I THINK AT THE END OF THE DAY IF
A DEMOCRAT IS GOING TO BEAT
TRUMP, THAT PERSON HE OR SHE
WILL HAVE TO MOVE TO THE CENTER.
AND YOU CAN'T WAIT TOO LONG TO
DO THAT.
GREG: THAT WAS THE FIRST BLACK
BILLIONAIRE.
OVER AT CNN THEY MIGHT CALL HIM
A SUITE WHITE SUPREMACIST.
THAT WAS MY FAVORITE JOKE.
SHOULD HAVE LOVED MORE.
BUT THEY WILL NEED MORE THAN HIM
TO TURN THIS PARTY AROUND.
FOR THE DEMS HAVE TAKEN THE BAD
ACRID THAT'S IDENTITY POLL D THE
BAD ACID THAT'S IDENTITY
POLITICS.
BUT THEY ARE BLAMING TRUMP FOR
EVERYTHING INCLUDING A
DEMOCRATIC DONOR PEDOPHILE.
ONLY OUR MEDIA COULD BLAME A
DEMOCRATIC DONOR PEDOPHILE ON A
REPUBLICAN.
ALL THE LEFT DOES IS KILL JOBS
BECAUSE ACOSTA HAD TO RESIGN.
HALF THE PRESS ARE ON VACATION
OR IN THERAPY.
WHEN PRESS DOESN'T GET
SOMETHING, HE GETS IT ANYWAY.
YOU WON'T GIVE ME MY CENSUS
QUESTION?
FINE, I WILL USE AVAILABLE DATA
BASES AND YOU CAN'T DO [BLEEP]
ABOUT IT.
HE'S EVERYTHING THE MEDIA HATES
AND HE DOESN'T CARE.
HE'S MAKING OUR IMMIGRATION
POLICY AMERICA'S DECISION, NOT
THE WORLD'S.
BUT MY FAVORITE STORY IS TRUMP
CONTINUES TO LOSE FRIENDS IN
HIGH PLACES.
THE U.K. AMBASSADOR RESIGNED
AFTER LEAKED CABLES REVEALED HE
CALLED TRUMP INEPT.
SO TRUMP CALLED HIM OUT WITH A
BEAUTIFUL TWEET.
SHOULD I READ IT WITH PATRIOTIC
MUSIC?
THE WACKY AMBASSADOR THAT THE
U.K. FOISTED UPON THE UNITED
STATES IS NOT SOMEONE REAR
THRILLED WITH.
A VERY STUPID GUY.
HE SHOULD SPEAK TO HIS COUNTRY
AND PRIME MINISTER MAY ABOUT
THEIR FAILED BREXIT NEGOTIATION
AND NOT BE UPSET WITH MY
CRITICISM OF HOW BADLY IT WAS
HAND.
I TOLD THERESA MAY HOW TO DO
THAT DEAL, BUT SHE WENT HER OWN
FOOLISH WAY.
UNABLE TO GET IT DONE.
THE U.S.A. HAS THE BEST ECONOMY
AND MILITARY ANYWHERE IN THE
WORLD BY FAR AND THEY ARE ONLY
GETTING BETTER, BIGGER AND
STRONGER.
THANK YOU, MR. PRESIDENT.
HE ACTUALLY THANKED HIMSELF.
NOW, SOME AMERICAN ELITES ARE
UPSET BECAUSE WE UPSET A KEY
ALLY.
BUT THEY WERE REALLY WORRIED
ABOUT THE COCKTAIL PARTY THEY
WERE GOING TO MISS.
TRUMP ISN'T CHUMMY WHEN HE'S
LOOK OUT FOR YOU.
HE'S THE SKUNK AT THE GARDEN
PARTY.
HE WOULD RATHER HANG WITH YOU
THAN THEM AND THAT'S PRETTY
COOL.
BUT WHAT ABOUT THE POOR ELITES
WHO WILL MISS ALL THOSE PARTIES.
IF ONLY THERE WAS A DRUG.
>> THE CURRENT SITUATION IS
MAKING IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR ME TO
CARRY OUT MY DUTIES.
WITH THAT EXPLANATION THE
BRITISH AMBASSADOR TO THE U.S.
RESIGNED.
>> TRUMP IS RUINING EVERYTHING
ABOUT LIVING IN D.C.
NOW THAT THE U.K. AMBASSADOR
RESIGNED, CAREER IS OVER.
HE THREW THE BEST PARTIES.
I USUALLY DON'T LIKE THESE DRUGS
YOU OFFER.
BUT I MISS THESE PARTIES.
COCKTAILEX TRICKS YOUR BRAIN
INTO THINKING YOU ARE ALWAYS AT
A CONTENTIOUS COCKTAIL PARTY
EVEN WHEN YOU ARE NOT.
I LOVE MY MARTINI.
WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING
ABOUT, MAN?
>> YOU ARE A RIOT, TREVOR.
>> VODKA.
>> THOSE ARE POST ITS.
I WONDER IF THERE IS ANYONE HERE
FROM THE BRITISH ROYAL FAMILY?
IS THAT GRANT?
HELLO, HUGH?
>> WHAT THE HELL IS THAT GUY ON?
HE'S ON COCKTAILEX.
YOUR CO-WORKERS WON'T GET IT BUT
WHO CARES ABOUT THEM, YOU
PROBABLY NEVER LIKED THEM
ANYWAY.
GREG: LET'S WELCOME TONIGHT'S
GUEST, EMILY CAMPAGNO.
AND WRITER AND CLEVELANDIAN JOE
DEFEND
DDIVITO.
KAT TIMPF.
AND MONSTERS CHECK FOR HIM UNDER
THEIR BEDS BEFORE THEY GO TO
SLEEP.
MY MASSIVE SIDEKICK TYRUS.
EMILY, A CORN CORP YEAH OF
TOPICS.
DO YOU THINK THE DEMOCRATIC
PARTY IS GOING TOO FAR LEFT?
>> I'M NOT WORRIED FOR THEM.
I'M POPPING POPCORN WATCHING IT
ALL.
BUT THE BILLIONAIRE SAID IT
PERFECTLY.
IT WILL TROUBLE THE CENTRIST
DEMOCRATS WHOSE DISTRICTS ARE
IMPERATIVE TO RETAIN THE HOUSE.
IF PELOSI CONTINUES THE SORORITY
SQUABBLE OR STARTS CAPITULATING
TO THE FAR LEFT.
IF THEY DO HOLD THE HOUSE WHEN
HER SPEAKERSHIP IS UP AGAIN.
GREG: I BELIEVE IN COMPETITION.
JOE, I HAVE NO SYMPATHY FOR
PELOSI BECAUSE SHE OPENED THE
DOOR FOR THE WOKE-A-DILE.
>> THEIR OPINIONS WERE THE
MAINSTREAM OPINIONS.
THAT'S WHY BIDEN WAS THE PERFECT
CANDIDATE FOR 2016.
HIS PLAN SEEMS TO BE WAITING
EVERYTHING OUT WHICH YOU CAN'T
DO WHEN YOU ARE IN YOUR 70s.
HE'S GOING TO BE IN A LOT OF
TROUBLE.
EVERYONE IS ACTING LIKE THEY
JUST DISCOVERED THESE THINGS
THEY DON'T LIKE ABOUT BIDEN.
HE'S LIKE LET'S CURE CANCER.
WERE YOU ON THE FENCE ABOUT
CANCER WHEN YOU WERE VICE
PRESIDENT IN WERE YOU NOT SURE
HOW YOU FELT ABOUT IT?
NOW IS THE TIME TO STRIKE.
GREG: IT'S LIKE A FOREST RANGER
DECIDING HE DOESN'T LIKE
REDWOODS.
KAT: I LIKE WATCHING DEMOCRATS
FIGHT.
WHEN AROUND BABY AND YOU ARE
PLAYING WITH YOUR BABY COUSINS.
AND YOU ARE LIKE THAT'S MY TOY.
OH YEAH?
WELL, YOU ARE A RACIST.
THE WHOLE NANCY PELOSI THING IS
SO CRAZY BECAUSE EVEN THOUGH
DEMOCRATS ARE ALL DEMOCRATS,
THEY ARE STILL INDIVIDUALS.
SO THERE IS GOING TO BE
DISAGREEMENT WITHIN THE PARTY.
I DON'T THINK IT'S FAIR FOR HER
TO ASK EVERYONE TO FALL IN LINE.
WHENEVER TRUMP SAYS HE WANTS
LOYALTY FROM REPUBLICANS HE GETS
CALLED HITLER.
SHE GETS OFF EASY BECAUSE SHE
WAS CALLED A GARDEN VARIETY
RACIST.
THAT'S NOT AS BAD AS HITLER.
GREG: WHAT ARE YOUR THOUGHTS ON
THIS, TYRUS.
>> PELOSI IS DONE, TRUMP GAVE
HER A COMPLIMENT.
GREG: SHE IS NOT A RACIST.
TYRUS: SORRY, PELOSI.
FOR WHAT WE HAVE SEEN, THE WORD
PARTY IS GREATLY MISUSED.
THIS IS NOT A PARTY.
THIS IS AS FUNERAL.
THE GUY WHO DIED OWED EVERYBODY
MONEY.
NOBODY IS HAPPY.
NOBODY WANTS TO BE THERE.
AND EVERYONE HAS A PROBLEM WITH
EVERYBODY SITTING NEXT TO THEM.
THEY NEED TO SPLIT.
THEY NEED A SOCIALIST PARTY AND
DEMOCRATIC PARTY.
BECAUSE THERE IS NO ONE -- IT'S
SO BAD THAT A BILLIONAIRE WHO IS
ON THE SIDELINES SAID YOU NEVER
WANTED TO RUN.
BUT SEE HOW BAD IT IS, I'M GOING
TO RUN.
SO HE'S JUMPING IN.
REMEMBER WHEN HE ANNOUNCED.
NO YOU DON'T.
THAT'S THE POINT.
THERE WAS NO -- EVERYONE
REMEMBERS WITH TRUMP, WHEN HE
WAS ON THE ESCALATOR.
THE DINOSAURS ARE ROLLING.
THESE GUYS ARE LIKE -- ONE MORE
TIME.
GREG: I AM GOING TO TRY ANOTHER
ANALOGY.
YOU KNOW WHEN YOU SEE THE FIRE
TRUCKS WITH TWO STEERING WHEELS?
ONE IN THE FRONT AND ONE IN THE
BACK.
THE ONE IN THE BACK IS HUFFING
BLUE OUT OF A BAG.
THANK YOU.
I REALLY NEEDED THAT.
AFTER THAT LAST METAPHOR, I
NEEDED THIS METAPHOR.
NEW DETAILS ON THE GUTFELD'S
MONOLOGUE LIVE.
TICKETS REMAIN FOR SHOWS IN
ORLANDO AND ATLANTA.
