
A Great Tragedy
A Great Tragedy

Anthony Coleman

© 2017 Anthony Coleman

All rights reserved.

ISBN: 1975609336

ISBN 13: 9781975609337
CONTENTS

1. Leaving Town

2. The Escort

3. Filling the Tank

4. People and Their Relation to Tony

5. Things Tony Liked and Enjoyed

6. Things Tony Did Not Like and Did Not Enjoy

7. A Close Encounter

8. Regrets

9. No Regrets

10. Sunrise
"Love makes the ego lose itself in the object it loves, and yet at the same time it wants to have the object as its own. This is a contradiction and a great tragedy of life."

– D.T. Suzuki, Essays in Zen Buddhism
1

LEAVING TOWN

He had to leave town. Too many connections to his old life. Too many reminders of who he used to be. It was time for a change. Tony broke his lease, packed up what little he had, and drove away.

He didn't feel a rush of excitement. He wasn't nervous. He wasn't happy. And he wasn't sad. He simply had to do it. It was as if all of the circumstances of Tony's life had conspired to push him in one single direction. This could hardly even be called a choice. But no matter how much Tony reminded himself of this, he couldn't seem to rid himself of shame. That was the one emotion that would remain faithful. It was his rock. His fortress. Tony could always count on the shame to be there in his time of need.

Tony couldn't remember a time when he hadn't felt it. There were times when he could forget about it, momentary breaks from its overt influence. But it was still always there, a steady undercurrent ready to swell. Perhaps a traumatic incident had occurred in his infancy and became lodged in his subconscious mind. Some deep wounding before he had formed long-term memories. Or maybe it stemmed from the fact that he had never known his father. That seemed cliché, but it had to be part of the mix. Tony also didn't make the high school football team, was a terrible bowler, and once accidentally killed his pet turtle. Tony wasn't a psychoanalyst, so he had trouble figuring out where this dark cloud came from and how to make it pass overhead. He was a complicated puzzle. Perhaps the road would help Tony figure himself out.

Tony had tried to figure himself out before. In a sense, it had been his lifelong passion – figuring himself out. When he became confused, Tony would write in his journal. His high school guidance counselor once told him that it can help people to get their thoughts down on paper. And so Tony tried to get his thoughts down on paper. Sometimes he would write about his day. His highs and his lows. Events that seemed like they might hold some significance. Sometimes he would write about the emotions he experienced and try to understand where they came from. He wrote about shame, of course, but Tony often felt happiness as well, and wanted to understand how to feel it more often. So far he knew that exercise led to endorphin release, which makes people feel good. But Tony wondered if simply releasing endorphins was the kind of happiness he wanted. It seemed there must be other kinds of happiness that were better, deeper, than the effects of a simple chemical release. But perhaps those forms of happiness were also based on chemicals. Tony wasn't sure.

The journaling was mildly helpful for Tony. While it wasn't a cure all, it helped Tony figure himself out a little bit more each time. Sometimes, though, when Tony suddenly realized something about himself, he would journal about the non-value of figuring himself out. It seemed narcissistic to be thinking about himself so much. Tony was complicated.

Tony reached for his Mountain Dew. He took a sip. And then a gulp. He then smacked his lips and said, "Ahhh." Tony was driving between the lines of his designated lane.

Tony was a good driver. Most people think they are good drivers, even the bad ones. Tony was the opposite. He was a good driver, but he thought he was a bad one. Sometimes Tony would come to a four-way stop at roughly the same time as another car. If he was to the right of the other car, Tony would then drive forward, as, by law, he had the right of way. But often the other car would also move forward, and then Tony would stop. At that point Tony would think, Maybe that car really did get here first. He was constantly second-guessing his driving decisions, even though his instincts were almost always correct.

As with driving, Tony was also highly unconfident in his ability to dress himself. Tony never quite knew if his clothes matched or not. He didn't know if they were too tight or too loose. He didn't know if they were too faded or too bright. He thought about it a lot when he was walking around town. Sometimes Tony would think, Everybody is laughing at my clothes. Part of him knew that he was being irrational, but that didn't stop the thoughts from coming. His own insecurity in this area had him thinking about clothes often. Tony would look at pedestrians or shoppers at the mall and judge their dress. He thought a lot of people looked absurd. Too baggy, he thought about the middle-aged man. Too showy, too bright, too revealing, he thought about the young woman. Tony interpreted the world through his own insecurities, of which clothing was only one. He didn't realize that nobody else really cared about his clothes and had their own insecurities to interpret the world through. But he would understand that with time.

In other areas of life, Tony was surprisingly confident. For instance, Tony really knew how to dance.

In high school, although he often wished otherwise, Tony was just a guy. Mostly, he got by on daydreams.

"So I said, that's not a shoelace mister!"

"Pppphhhh! Hehehehehehe! Hahahahaha! Oh-hohohoho!" In Tony's daydream, the whole class burst into a harmonized chorus of giggles and laughter. "I wish I had all my classes with Tony!", one of his classmates shouted out between laughs. "Oh Tony, you are too much! Too much!" The teacher even loved it, and had tears rolling down his cheeks he was laughing so hard. He threw his hands up, "Ok, lesson over! Take the rest of the hour off after that one kids!" The whole class loved Tony, threw him up on their collective shoulders, and started to chant, "Tone-ey, Tone-ey, Tone-ey!" Each girl in the room looked up longingly as Tony was lifted high.

"Ooohhh," the crowd was in awe as Tony picked the pocket of an opposing point guard and raced down the court for a game winning tomahawk dunk. The buzzer sounded and the state championship had been won. As teammates and fans flooded the court to celebrate, Tony thought to himself, This is the greatest moment of my life. During the post-game ceremony, Tony was voted Most Valuable Player and gave a victory speech to the crowd. "This is for you!", he said as he raised the championship trophy over his head.

"Oh Tony, I didn't know what it was to live, I didn't know what it was to love until I met you." Tony and Jaime were driving in the country with the top down on a red convertible, the wind blowing through their hair. "Nor did I know what it was to live, nor what it was to love, until I met you!" Tony responded. The two drove off into the sunset, gazing into each other's eyes. "Marry me!", Tony proposed. "Of course! I do!" Tony and Jaime were very happy together in his daydream.

But none of those things ever happened. In high school, Tony was just a guy.

As graduation neared, Tony's friend Emily asked him what he wanted to do with his life.

Tony responded, "I don't know."

At age eighteen, instead of going to college, Tony found his first full-time job working at Peppi's Pizza – the local pizzeria – as a cook. It started off great. Tony spent his days spinning dough, perfectly saucing the spread, and adding toppings to order before firing his creations. He felt a sense of accomplishment each time a pizza came out right, ready to be enjoyed. He felt happy when he saw a family laughing and eating what he had worked so hard to produce. When Tony focused in on the grinning, full mouths of his customers, his heart smiled.

In a surprisingly short amount of time, Tony became one of the best pizza makers in town. He knew how to put on just the right amount of pepperoni, just the right amount of mushroom, just the right amount of garlic. Sometimes Tony would even make secret designs with the ingredients underneath a layer of cheese. He imagined the bite patterns of his customers and placed each ingredient in the exact spot needed for a perfect mouthful of pizza. Sometimes he would think, Now this is a perfectly seasoned pizza for Jim's family. Or, Wow, Lisa is really going to love this vegetarian topping arrangement! Tony cared about each pizza and each customer.

But as the days and months wore on, boredom set in. Making pizzas day in day out lost its luster pretty quick. Plus a new cook had been hired, who Tony didn't particularly care for. This new cook picked up on things quickly and also made a very good pizza. He also made secret designs underneath the cheese and used just the right amount of garlic. He got great reviews from customers.

Sometimes Tony would go out to talk to the families that were enjoying his pizzas. He would approach the tables that were eating his pizza and ask them how they were enjoying it. When they said it tasted great, he would give a big smile. "Glad you like it!", he would respond. He would encourage these customers to fill out pizza review cards and hand them in to the hostess. Tony would also approach tables for customers who ate the other cook's pizza. At those tables he would start with a comment about the pizza. "Oooh, that crust looks a little burnt. Sorry about that. How is it?" Or, "Hmmm, that looks like it could use a little more cheese. How is it?" He hoped that the customers wouldn't like the other cook's pizza as much as they liked his. But most of the time the customers liked each pizza the same, and this upset Tony. He didn't encourage the tables of his rival cook to hand in pizza review cards.

Within six months of hire, Tony left Peppi's Pizza. It was a good first job out of high school, but it was time to move on. Tony left a legacy of tasty pizza and quality customer service.

After Peppi's, Tony bounced around to a few other employers while living at home. He worked for a moving company for three months, performed data entry for a drug testing agency, and then worked at a pet store as a cashier. Everywhere he went, though, Tony eventually became restless. He was either bored with the job, didn't feel like he was contributing anything of value, or both. He also wasn't exactly building an impressive resume. After a year in the workforce, Tony moved out of his home, found an apartment on the other side of town, and enrolled in the local community college.

The first semester of college had actually been quite interesting. Tony enrolled in English Literature, Statistics, Economics, and Introduction to Philosophy. His favorite class was Philosophy.

Already being accustomed to over-analyzing his own problems in life, Tony felt very at home in this subject. His class spent their sessions debating how human beings can discover true knowledge or be absolutely sure of anything, whether the mind could be equated with the brain, the existence and nature of morality, whether the universe required a God, if there was such a thing as free will, and the meaning of life. These were the big questions that Tony had an appetite for. He loved knowledge for knowledge's sake and Tony gave himself fully to the pursuit. Sometimes he would get lost in thought for hours.

Tony read more than anyone in his class. Each time the group met, Tony would come having developed his ideas, ready to logically present his side. He loved the feeling of winning a debate. Tony debated Lucy over the issue of free will and the class voted that he had won. "Don't you see that we must assume free will?", Tony had said. "Even to have this debate we must presuppose freedom of thought, the freedom to choose a philosophical position. If our actions are all predetermined, you cannot honestly critique me for holding my belief, for I had no choice in the matter. Without the presupposition of free will, life becomes a farce. Even if you were to decide philosophically that there is no such thing as free will, as soon as you left this debate hall, you would act in the world as if there was." After the debate, the whole class clapped for Tony and three milligrams of dopamine were released into his brain. He debated Mark over the mind/brain problem and the class voted that he had won. Once, Tony even debated his professor, Mr. Berg, who denied the existence of a moral structure to the universe. Tony found that idea absurd. To his classmates, the professor had won the debate, but Tony couldn't let go of the idea that there was a right and a wrong. No professor, no matter how smart, could argue him out of it. Tony was upset when he saw that the class thought the professor had won the debate. Perhaps the vote had been swayed by his prestige.

Tony wanted to find the right answers to the big questions. He wanted to know the Nature of Things and live accordingly. He believed the answers were out there.

Unfortunately for Tony, his school didn't offer anything beyond Introduction to Philosophy. His second semester was filled with Finance and Management courses. Tony did eventually need to make money and realized early that sitting around debating abstract ideas wasn't going to pay the bills. Although Tony had planned on transferring to a University, he reluctantly decided to settle for something practical. In two short years, Tony's certificate in Business Administration had been acquired. Out of college, Tony was immediately hired as a manager at Peppi's Pizza – the local pizzeria.

Was it ideal to take a job at the very restaurant where Tony had found his first employment? No. But the managerial position paid more than a cook, and Tony already had some context in the industry. There also weren't many other options in his hometown. Tony was happy to be putting his education to use and began building his resume as a manager.

His first day on the job, Tony introduced himself to his staff, "Hi everyone, my name is Tony. My first job was at this very restaurant as a cook. I then went to business school and now have been hired as a manager. It will be a pleasure to work with you." Most of Tony's old co-workers, including his rival cook, had moved on and it felt like a good chance for a fresh start.

As Tony settled in to the job, he got Peppi's in shape and running well. His hosts and hostesses were welcoming, his cooks were making quality pizzas, and his dishwashers were efficient. Peppi's was clean and orderly, a fine place for a family to visit for a night out.

Just as he would when he was a cook, Tony often went out to visit his tables, talking with his customers, and asking if they were enjoying their experience. When he interacted with families that were enjoying their meals, Tony felt good about what he was providing. Sometimes, on a Friday or Saturday night, Tony felt like everyone in his restaurant was one big happy family.

Things went well for several years, and Peppi's Pizza became a thriving business. But then a new pizza shop opened up across town. This pizza shop was called Super Pizza.

Super Pizza was an impressive establishment and had a brand new neon-lit sign in front which said, Super Pizza – The Place to Be for Super Pizza and a Super Time. Within the first several weeks of open, Super Pizza had also become a thriving business. On a Friday or Saturday night, families would come from all around town and fill the pizzeria to capacity. Loud music and the sound of jolly, laughing families filled the air. From behind the counter, Ivan marveled at the work his hands had made. Ivan was the owner and manager of Super Pizza. He was also Tony's former rival cook.

When Tony heard that Ivan, his old rival, had opened a pizza shop across town, he was furious. Tony immediately drove over to confront his former co-worker.

"Why would you open a pizza shop right across town? Are you trying to steal my customers!?", Tony demanded.

"Tony, Tony, I simply enjoy making pizza and running a pizza establishment," Ivan responded. "It's nothing personal, nothing personal at all. And there are plenty of people in this town to support two pizzerias."

Tony started to speak, but then caught himself. His face became red. He then just turned and walked away. I can't believe Ivan, he thought.

Ivan's prediction was eventually proven true. There were enough customers to support both pizzerias, although Super Pizza quickly became the more popular of the two. It was just, objectively speaking, a better pizzeria. It provided super pizza and a super good time.

Peppi's Pizza made enough to survive as an establishment, and Tony still enjoyed interacting with his guests, but it just wasn't the same. Tony eventually left his position as manager at Peppi's Pizza.

After leaving Peppi's, Tony worked management jobs at a local printing shop, a wholesale supplier, and a grocery store. Tony spent several years at each establishment before moving on. He had worked at the local grocery store until the very week he decided to leave town. Tony just didn't like the way the produce section was headed, so he quit.

Following his latest employment stint, Tony had to take a long look at himself. He was bouncing from uninspiring job to uninspiring job. His apartment had mice. And his growing restlessness with life just wasn't going away. Tony wanted to forget about his past – about a high school career filled with daydreams, about his inability to dress himself or drive correctly, about Peppi's Pizza, about college, about his legacy of managing various businesses just trying to make a modest profit. He was so normal, so unexceptional. Tony decided to leave it all behind. To go somewhere where he could become someone different. Someone he hadn't been before.

Looking ahead, the sun glared in Tony's eyes, but, squinting, he could still make out the form of a rabbit in the gravel on the shoulder. Tony slowed down slightly. He didn't want to run it over. The rabbit looked like it was trying to cross, but had better thoughts as Tony approached. It turned back and would wait for a better time to hop to the other side.

Seeing the cautious rabbit made Tony think that he may be making a mistake. Like rabbits, humans who were cautious were more likely to live longer, happier, more secure lives. It would be safer for Tony to remain in town. He was at least minimally comfortable. He had some acquaintances around. But Tony thought cautious rabbits were unexceptional, just like him. And, as in the life of this particular cautious rabbit, nothing was certain. One has to take a risk at some point, Tony thought. Rabbits eventually have to cross roads. Tony shook off the thought of mistakes and set his face to the West. The rabbit was run over within the hour.
2

THE ESCORT

Twenty years ago, at a production plant in Thailand, a mint condition Ford Escort was produced. It gleamed brightly under the artificial lighting of the assembly line and seemed to smile back at its many Thai creators who had the habit of standing back to admire their newly produced machines. State of the art and freshly painted – teal, with a dark gold stripe lining the bottom of both driver and passenger sides – the automobile was shipped to the United States for sale. It was ready for consumption. And it was consumed immediately.

A middle aged woman, Audrey Hillmore, bought the teal Escort and drove it off the lot. As the front tires hit the pavement of the road adjacent to the dealership, the car immediately lost half of its value. Audrey didn't care. This car was her. Teal was her color (it brought out the blue in her eyes), and she often adorned herself with gold colored bracelets and earrings. Teal and gold, she thought. I love teal and gold. She even made up a song in her head to the tune of a nursery rhyme, I like to like teal and gold, I love teal and gold. Audrey would own this car for fifteen years before she would think, I hate teal and gold. Audrey then sold the car to Tony.

Teal and gold really weren't Tony's colors, but he didn't have much of a choice. He bought the car because it was the only one in his price range that didn't obviously need immediate repair. He decided to drive the car ironically and take pride in its ridiculous color scheme. And it had lasted him until this point. Five years was more than he had expected to get and any extended life beyond this he considered a gift from the universe.

Tony didn't name his car. He simply called it "The Escort." He found naming cars to be a ridiculous practice.

Twenty years into its life, The Escort had minor rusting across most of the bottom of the exterior. Some spots had rusted all the way through and several golfball sized holes had been created. The golfballs were quickly becoming baseballs, but Tony didn't do anything to prevent this. It just wasn't worth it at this point.

The front passenger side door had been replaced due to an accident which prevented the original from shutting properly. The shop Tony went to found a pretty close match. It was a slightly darker shade of teal and it didn't have a gold stripe on the bottom, but it did the trick. This added to Tony's mock pride in his car. He once made a joke on a date in which he stated, "That passenger side door was a real steal." Tony emphasized the sound teal when he said the joke. His date didn't get it and thought that Tony was implying he actually stole the replacement door. Even if she had gotten the joke, she wouldn't have found it funny, as its premise was simply pointing out the color of the car. She did not agree to see Tony again.

The Escort's tires had also been replaced – these several years before Audrey and her car had parted ways – and were now nearly bald. Tony had a spare in his trunk which was kept underneath a hatch. In Tony's mind, he could change a spare tire, but in reality he would never be able to pull it off. He didn't even know how to use a jack. This was an area of life that Tony was confident in, but shouldn't have been. He was a good driver and thought he was a bad one. But he was a poor car repairman and thought he was a good one.

After twenty years, the engine of The Escort was barely serviceable. Its four cylinders could get the car up to a maximum speed of 110 miles per hour. Tony had once tested this out on a deserted highway outside of town. In the midst of a long trip, Tony had been trying to cut time. Checking his mirrors and making sure no one was around, he slowly accelerated, creeping to 75, to 80, to 85, to 90. This was already faster than Tony would be comfortable with for the remainder of the trip, but as he hit his new high speed he wondered how fast he could push it. He had never topped out a car before. Should one really go through life without topping out a car?, he thought. Tony's prefrontal cortex had not yet developed fully, and he continued to increase his speed. As Tony pushed the pedal further to the floor, he gained speed, but his acceleration became slower: 98, 99. There were no more gears to shift to and the engine already seemed to be yelling at him to stop. But Tony had made up his mind and, having quickly developed a taste for speed, needed more. He continued. By the time Tony reached 105, the entire vehicle was shaking violently and a strong wind was forcing it from one side of the lane to the other. A single gust seemed as if it could lift the old machine from underneath and toss it into the ditch. The steering wheel was vibrating to a point where Tony was losing control, but he felt the uncontrollable urge to push it to 110. If he didn't get the car up to 110, Tony thought, it would somehow say something about his personality. Would he always be the guy who stopped when things got a little scary? No. Tony had to go for it. He pushed the accelerator down completely to the floor, but he felt little discernible difference in speed. He eyed the speedometer – 106, 107. He kept the pedal down and said a prayer – 108, 109...110! Tony felt a shot of adrenaline and screamed "Ahhhhh!"

After several seconds of rapture, Tony came back to reality and realized he was teetering on the brink of a high speed crash. His adrenaline turned to dread and Tony took his foot off the accelerator – 105, 102, 96. Tony slowly decelerated to just below the speed limit, then climbed back up to 70 miles per hour and continued his drive. Tony felt a sense of accomplishment. He would look back on the incident fondly in his later years. An enthusiasm of youth. The Escort would lose eight months of its usable life, but it had lived more fully. Its Thai creators would have been very proud.

The Escort had observed many interesting scenes in its long life. Having been born in Thailand, it was disappointed to quickly leave for a less tropical land. But, as the car had no influence over its surroundings, it made the trip without complaint. At least it got to see the ocean. Just once in its life, it got to see the ocean.

Ninety-five percent of what The Escort had the chance to witness was of the ordinary variety – Audrey getting groceries, Audrey driving to a dinner party, Audrey talking to herself about how much she liked teal and gold. Humdrum. But there were also events that were of a more significant note.

One of these events of note was the day Audrey committed a felony hit and run. Audrey had gone into town to mail a package at the Post Office. As she was driving down the road, Audrey was looking intently into her rearview mirror, applying lipstick. Her favorite shade was called Lovey Dovey Pink. She ran the applicator along her bottom lip and top lip and then puckered. "Mmmwah," she said aloud. This lipstick will make me more attractive, she thought. With pink, kissable lips I will finally find a good man. I will get married and have children and be happy. After applying her lipstick, Audrey thought she had enough time and skill to put on a bit of eyeliner – a difficult task on the road, but one she felt she could handle. The road wasn't very busy. As she lined her eyes, Audrey thought, With this eyeliner, I will be even more attractive. With pink, kissable lips and perfectly lined eyes, I will finally find a good man. I will get married and have children and be happy. Audrey looked up. The road was still fairly empty. Audrey had time to apply a little blush before reaching her destination. She had already applied her blush at home, but felt she could use a little more. Audrey tilted the mirror down a bit to see her cheeks. She then applied her blush and tilted her mirror back. She thought to herself, Alright, now I am ready to go find a good man and get married and have children and be happy. Audrey didn't realize that much of her daily inner monologue was the direct result of beauty advertising campaigns. She also didn't realize that she was veering off to the right side of the road. Audrey crashed into the driver's side door of a parked Cadillac. There was an old man in the car. Audrey screeched to a halt a few car lengths in front of the Cadillac. She looked back. The old man was sitting up, dazed. Audrey felt a rush of panic. She looked around, seeing only a few other cars on the road. Audrey then peeled out and took a quick right. Then a left. Then a right. She then parked the car, her heart racing. I just hit someone, she thought, and then I fled the scene. For three minutes, Audrey sat in her parked car, frozen. She then slowly drove away. The Escort felt sorry for Audrey because she was so concerned with her looks and finding a man that it was causing her to make poor decisions. It was also causing her to develop an anxiety disorder. But The Escort could only watch.

Another event of note that The Escort had the honor of observing was a hilarious exchange between two auto-mechanics.

The Escort had been dropped off for a routine oil change at Zippy Auto Repair. Zippy was known for providing quality car repair work in a short amount of time. The owner and employees prided themselves in getting cars in and out, allowing their customers to get on with their lives without the inconvenience of being without their vehicles. Audrey dropped off The Escort at nine and the oil change was expected to be finished by eleven.

Shortly after nine, The Escort was elevated on a lift, and prepared for its routine oil change. But before the mechanic could begin, several other cars entered the garage with more pressing, major needs. The mechanic, Rick, was pulled to assist with a transmission overhaul. The Escort was thus left unattended.

The Escort enjoyed being on the lift. It had a good view of the shop, and, because of the echoes off the concrete walls, had a chance to hear many conversations among the mechanics. The Escort was a little self-conscious, as its underparts were exposed, but it gladly exchanged the minor embarrassment for the view and acoustics. The Escort had no influence over its surroundings, so its feelings about the situation were irrelevant. But it had feelings nonetheless.

After Rick left, The Escort overheard many things. The front desk attendant, Stacy, would answer the phone every time it rang. "Hello, this is Zippy Auto Repair, Stacy speaking." There would then be a pause where The Escort assumed the customer was describing their problem. Stacy would then generally respond with some question about scheduling. By the end of the conversation, the customer would be scheduled for their appointment. These conversations did not interest The Escort. Stacy seemed somewhat irrelevant to the shop as they could have just rotated mechanics or had the manager answer the phone. The Escort thought that maybe the shop hired her for the front desk because she was attractive. Customers are known to leave better reviews for attractive people, so maybe Stacy was good for their search engine ranking. This thought brought up some depressing emotions for The Escort, as it sometimes negatively compared itself to other cars on the road.

Besides Stacy, another loud voice echoed off the shop walls, this voice coming from the owner and manager of Zippy. "Let's keep it moving guys!" "I love the hard work fellas!" "Zippy fast work leads to zippy high salaries my friends!" The manager seemed to be well liked by his employees and provided a lot of positive reinforcements. The Escort did overhear a mechanic say, "Zippy schmippy," but it couldn't tell if the mechanic was irritated or just saying random things to himself. The phrase was ambiguous.

But the most notable exchange that The Escort overheard was between Rick and another auto-mechanic, Marcos. Both were working on the transmission overhaul.

These two seemed like pros and their discussion was rarely related to the job they were performing together. It appeared that the transmission overhaul was second nature, so they could banter about other things.

As they began the job Marcos asked Rick, "Hey, did you hear the one about the pencil that needed to be sharpened?" Rick responded, "Nope." Marcos replied, "Oh, nevermind, there's no point."

Rick then said, "No tell me the joke."

Marcos then said, "I just did."

"No," Rick responded, "You didn't. You said 'nevermind' and never told me the punchline of the joke."

"No," Marcos said, "I said 'nevermind, there's no point.'"

"So what? Are you calling me stupid? What do you mean there's no point? Like I wouldn't get it!?"

"No, there's no point. Don't you see?"

"There is a point. I want to know the joke. I'd like to be able to use it later when I want to make someone laugh."

At this point Marcos just shook his head and said, "Hehe, you just don't get it do you?"

Rick slammed down his wrench. "What the heck man! Tell me the end of the joke!"

"Don't you see? There's no point! Like the pencil doesn't have a pointy tip! That's why it needs to be sharpened."

Rick paused for a moment, and then began softly giggling to himself. He kept giggling until his giggles turned into laughs. Then Marcos started giggling and laughing. Before long, both auto-mechanics were unable to continue with the job they were giggling and laughing so hard. Their faces were red and Rick even started to weep.

"Hehe. Ok, I get it. Hehe. Oh man, sorry, I was about to get so mad. That's a good joke though!"

The Escort found the entire exchange hilarious as it had understood the premise of the joke right away. It wished it had the power of speech so it could re-tell the joke, but The Escort only had the power of observation.

One final event of note that The Escort directly observed was the birth of a baby fawn. Audrey had been driving in the country and needed to pull over to the side of the road to apply some blush. This happened after her felony hit and run, and she had, at least momentarily, learned her lesson.

As Audrey pulled over onto the gravel shoulder, The Escort noticed a large deer in the nearby brush.

The Escort was immediately frightened as it had seen many deer before. In fact, several had almost run right into The Escort, making Audrey swerve the steering wheel sharply in the past. Because of its prior experience, fear and anger arose in The Escort's mind whenever a deer was in close proximity.

But as the Escort looked more closely, it could see that this deer was a soon to be mother, and, in fact, was giving birth at that very moment. The Escort wished it could do something to let Audrey know what was happening, but she was absorbed in her own reflection.

As The Escort watched, the mother deer stood up and delivered her child into the world. As the fawn laid on the ground, covered in mucous, it opened its big dark eyes for the first time and looked right at The Escort. The Escort was the first object the baby fawn had ever seen. The fawn then stood up, wobbly, and leaned against its mother.

The Escort was overcome with emotion. Experiencing the miracle of birth suddenly caused it to see all deer as fellow sentient beings. Instead of enemies, all deer had somehow become The Escort's brothers and sisters.

Audrey finished applying her blush and drove away, but The Escort was forever changed.

Now The Escort had a chance to witness Tony driving to a new town.
3

FILLING THE TANK

The sun had nearly set and The Escort needed a fill-up. Tony saw a gas station approaching on the left hand side of the road. Even though it was a pain to have to make a left, and it would be another pain to take another left when leaving, Tony pulled in. I wish the gas station had been on the right hand side of the road, Tony thought as opened his door and approached the pumps. He wasn't in a great mood.

Tony quickly swiped his credit card, chose unleaded, and filled the tank until the gas pump went click. When he heard the click, Tony knew that the tank had reached capacity. He promptly removed the pump from the gas chamber and placed it back on its holder. It was then that Tony decided to enter the gas station for a snack.

As the door swung open, a bell rang and Tony was greeted by the gas station attendant. "Hey man," the attendant said. "What's up," Tony responded, making brief eye contact as he passed. It was an exchange that did not hold any significance for either the gas station attendant or Tony.

Tony made a brief survey of the station, noting where the drinks were located, where the snacks were located, and the aisle of random goods – flashlights, batteries, cough syrup. Tony needed no random goods in that aisle. He was after one thing and one thing only – a snack, and a delicious one at that. Tony proceeded to the snack aisle.

The first snack option that Tony's eyes landed upon was a chocolate bar that he knew was divided up into rectangular sections underneath its wrapper. This chocolate bar would be tasty, he thought, I really like chocolate. Things Tony liked about this particular chocolate bar were the ability to break the chocolate bar into small pieces so he wouldn't eat the whole thing too fast, the not-too-heaviness of this particular type of chocolate, the rectangular shape of the entire chocolate mold which fit easily into his pocket, the meltiness of the chocolate if he kept it in his mouth without chewing it, and the ability to use this particular type of chocolate on s'mores if he chose to keep some of it for later and also purchase marshmallows and graham crackers. This chocolate bar was also in Tony's price range for snacks. It seemed like a fine selection. Tony's mouth began to water. But then the following thought arose in his mind: I do really like this type of chocolate bar, but maybe there is a different snack that I would like even more. Tony let his eyes wander down the aisle of snacks.

The next snack option that Tony's eyes landed upon was a snack of a different variety. This snack came in a bag. This particular bag contained colored, gummy figures covered in sugar and some other ingredient that gave the snack a twangy, sour-yet-sweet taste. It looked delicious and Tony fondly remembered his prior experiences with this candy.

Oh my, thought Tony, this would be quite the snack. I really, really enjoy this kind of snack. I especially enjoy it when I am going to the movies. Yes, when I am at the movies is when I enjoy this snack the most. I do enjoy this type of snack when I am in my car, driving, but I enjoy it more when I am in the movie theater. I would experience some pleasure if I bought this snack and ate it right now, but I would experience even more pleasure if I bought it now, and saved it until I was watching a movie. Yes, that would be the best plan. But still, I think I would derive more enjoyment from this snack at this very moment than I would from the chocolate bar. So it would make sense for me to buy it and eat it right now, even though it would be even better if I bought the snack and saved it for later. Maybe I could buy one for now and one for later. Yes, that might satisfy me...

A customer walking by grazed Tony's jacket and made him look up.

"Sorry," the customer said.

"Oh, that's ok," said Tony.

Tony then continued to look down the snack aisle. An orange wrapper caught his attention.

Oh, thought Tony. Hehe, I love this type of snack. But then another thought arose: Wait Tony, wait, wait. You know what happens to you when you eat this type of snack. You always want to have milk afterwards. Yes, every time you indulge in this type of snack, you are never satisfied until you have a nice, cold, glass of milk. You would gain much pleasure from purchasing and consuming this snack, but don't forget about the milk. It would be a little extra money, but it would be worth it.

Tony quickly strided to the refrigerated section of the gas station and saw that a 16 oz. milk was $1.29. He kept this fact in his working memory as he hurried back to the snack aisle.

But on the way back to the snack aisle, a different stand caught Tony's attention. This was a fruit stand. It contained one section of apples and, beneath that section, an array of bananas.

Hmmm, Tony thought. Fruit. Gas station fruit. Well, either of these fruits would be healthier choices for my snack than a chocolate bar, sugar based candy, or the candy in the orange wrapper plus milk. And they are cheaper. In fact, I could get an apple and a banana for less than the price of one candy snack. Choosing fruit would especially save me money over the choice of the orange-wrapped candy plus milk.

And I do enjoy fruit. I like apples, especially when they are sliced. When they are sliced, I get just the right amount of skin and inner apple in each bite. Without an apple being sliced, I get bites that are virtually all skin and bites that are all inner apple. Eating an apple whole does gives me variety in my bites (some bites being mostly skin, some being all inner apple) which is exciting. Sometimes it's nice to have that change up. But I usually prefer the consistency of having all my bites be the same, which I only get through a sliced apple. I wouldn't be able to slice this apple on the road. I would have to eat it as is.

I also really like bananas, but you're always taking your chances with a banana. It could be over-ripe, or not ripe enough. If the banana is not ripe enough, it has an odd taste and it doesn't agree with my stomach. If I buy a not ripe enough banana, I might decide one bite in that I don't want it anymore. And that would be a waste of money. If it is too ripe, I could still eat it. I'd probably just eat around the too ripe parts as most bananas that are too ripe have sections that are still edible. Yes, although it is a risk, I do like bananas.

Also, buying both the banana and the apple, or just the banana, or just the apple, would provide more health benefit. Bananas have a good amount of potassium and that would give me long term energy for the drive. I'm not sure what kind of nutrition apples have, but I do know that they are healthy. At least that is what I have always been led to believe.

But neither of these choices would taste as good as the candy choices. Yes apples and bananas taste good, each in their own way, but not like candy. Candy tastes much better, whether the candy is chocolate based, sugar based, or comes in an orange wrapper. I guess it all depends on my mood. At this very moment, do I prefer a healthy snack that I may derive less taste pleasure from or an unhealthy snack, that I would derive more taste pleasure from? I suppose it's really a decision between body pleasure which the nutrients would provide, and taste pleasure which the candy would provide.

Tony couldn't decide between body and taste pleasure.

I'm over thinking this, Tony thought. Just buy something and get back on the road.

But when Tony went to make the critical decision between the chocolate bar, the sugar based candy, the orange-wrapped candy and milk, an apple and banana, or just an apple, or just a banana, he couldn't do it. Tony walked out the exit door without purchasing anything and angrily strided to The Escort. But when Tony got to The Escort, he stopped.

No, I really do want a snack, Tony thought. I'll need it for the long drive. He then re-entered the gas station. The Escort observed Tony re-enter the gas station and couldn't decide if it would rather be owned by Audrey or Tony. Then The Escort thought, It doesn't matter what I think; I have no control over my surroundings. But The Escort kept thinking things nonetheless. It couldn't control its own mind.

As Tony re-entered the gas station, a bell rang. The gas station attendant looked up. "Hey man," he said. Tony replied, "What's up." It was an exchange that did not hold any significance for either the gas station attendant or Tony. Tony walked to the donut display.

Looking at the donuts made Tony's mouth water again. He daydreamed about all of his positive prior experiences with donuts – the time his mother bought him a sprinkled covered Long John at the grocery store, the time his teacher brought in powdered donuts for the whole class, the time he bought a full dozen and tried to eat them all in one sitting! The donut node in his brain had been activated and all the connected, donut-experience-related nodes were firing. Tony eyed the selection.

On the top row were plain iced Long Johns. Half were chocolate frosted and half had white frosting. It didn't appear that these Long Johns were filled. Tony's eyes moved downward.

On the next row were lemon filled donuts. Lemon filled donuts, Tony thought. What will they think of next. Tony did like lemons. He even sometimes squeezed the juice out of a lemon and dripped it into a cold glass of water, creating delicious lemon water. But lemon flavor mixed with donut flavor seemed odd to Tony. He knew it was a popular donut, and had witnessed others enjoying it, but he just didn't think it was for him.

The bottom three shelves of the donut display were virtually picked clean. There were only two donuts on the bottom three shelves. Tony didn't even know what they were. Not much of a donut selection, he thought. But I am a big fan of Long Johns. Maybe I'll come back to the donuts later. Tony paused and considered how much time he had already spent debating his snack, even having gone out to his car and back. Too much time. Then he looked up and saw the refrigerated drink section. Frustrated with himself for how he should already be back on the road, Tony hurried to the drinks. On his way to the drinks, Tony thought he saw the gas station attendant smirking at him. The entire walk to the drinks, Tony couldn't get the following thought out of his head: He probably thinks my pants are too tight.

As Tony approached the drinks, he was overwhelmed by the choices. Facing him were a variety of sports and energy drinks, sodas, milks, iced teas, and juices. Not only did he feel that he needed to pick the correct type of drink, but also the correct flavor of the correct type of drink. Complicating matters even further was the fact that Tony had not decided on the type of snack he wanted yet. And some drinks were better with certain snacks than others. Tony knew, for instance, that he did not want a banana and a soda. Tony had once tried to eat a banana with a soda and it felt like his insides were going to explode. At the time, Tony had thought, A banana is not meant to be eaten with a soda. And Tony now remembered that thought.

Ok, Tony now thought, I think I'm going to go with a chocolate Long John for my snack. No, they aren't filled chocolate Long Johns, but I do like chocolate Long Johns nonetheless. Of all the choices I have been considering – the chocolate bar, the sugar based candy, the orange-wrapped candy plus milk, the chocolate Long John, the apple and banana, or just the apple, or just the banana – this chocolate Long John is the snack that is going to give me the most enjoyment at this very moment. At this very moment I prefer taste-pleasure over body-pleasure and I think the chocolate Long John will give me the most taste-pleasure out of all of my options. I could go back and forth between options all day, but I need to just pick the chocolate Long John and get back on the road. Yes, at this very moment, the chocolate Long John is the best choice to satisfy me.

Tony knew exactly what drink went with a chocolate Long John from his previous experience with the snack. He reached for a Skim Milk.

After Tony grabbed the milk, he walked back to the donut section, grabbed a chocolate Long John with his bare hand, and then approached the counter. He didn't see that they had clear plastic bags he was supposed to put the chocolate Long John in.

"Hey man," said the attendant.

"What's up," said Tony. "I'll take the chocolate Long John, the milk, and one of those $5 scratch-offs."

Tony fumbled for his credit card as the attendant scanned the milk, punched in the code for the chocolate Long John, and grabbed the lottery ticket. It was difficult for Tony to grab his credit card because he couldn't put the chocolate Long John down. He didn't want to put it on the counter with no barrier between the chocolate Long John and the potentially dirty surface. The chocolate Long John, a source of his future taste pleasure, needed to be protected. The whole time Tony was fumbling for his credit card he thought, I wish they had something to put this chocolate Long John in instead of having us just grab it. Tony didn't realize that he hadn't seen the clear plastic bag he was supposed to put the chocolate Long John in.

Tony finally got his credit card and handed it to the attendant. The attendant swiped the card. As they both waited for the transaction to process, the gas station attendant made the following statements to Tony.

"Hey, you know someone actually won a hundred bucks on this scratch-off yesterday. Same guy comes in here every day and buys a soda and a scratch-off. I think he probably spends a couple hundred bucks a month on these things. Probably didn't even earn his money back. It's like, don't you know the odds on these things? The more you play the more you lose. It's like, aren't there better ways to spend your money? It's like, I don't even know what people are thinking man."

Tony stopped listening to the attendant halfway through his first sentence. He was too busy thinking about the future pleasure he was going to derive from the chocolate Long John and if his pants were too tight or not.

After the transaction had processed and the gas station attendant was finished with his comments, Tony said, "Oh, cool. Well, thanks man."

Tony then put his credit card back in his pocket, grabbed the milk and scratch off in one hand, carried his chocolate Long John in his other hand, and gently pushed open the exit door with his foot. He then walked toward The Escort.

As Tony approached The Escort he realized that he was going to have to set something down in order to get his keys. If he set the scratch-off down, it could blow away. If he set the chocolate Long John down, it could get dirty. The milk seemed to be the best choice of item for him to set down because it had the least chance of getting ruined. The last thing Tony would want to do is buy an item designed satisfy him, and then ruin it a moment later.

Tony decided to set the milk on the top of The Escort, put the scratch-off in his jacket pocket, and then remove the keys from his pants pocket to unlock the door. The entire time, Tony planned to carefully hold his chocolate Long John in his left hand. Tony pulled off his plan flawlessly.

When Tony finally got settled in the driver's seat and closed the door, he used a quarter to scratch off his lottery ticket. It was not a winning ticket.

After seeing that it was not a winning ticket, Tony got a bad case of buyer's remorse. I could have gotten like three more snacks for the price of that ticket, he thought. Disappointed, Tony bit into his chocolate Long John.
4

PEOPLE AND THEIR RELATION TO TONY

Tony had various relationships with various people throughout his life.

Growing up, Tony had a best friend. His name was Mike. Tony and Mike lived in the same neighborhood and, as young boys, had always enjoyed hanging out together. In the summers, they would play baseball on the neighborhood little league team. Tony was a pitcher and Mike was a catcher. On the diamond, they were a great combination, as Mike knew just where to set up to give Tony a good target for strike three. Many batters struck out when facing Tony and Mike and their little league team was always a success. In the winters, Tony and Mike would build snow forts, have snowball fights, and play snow football in Tony's backyard. One time, they built a massive snowman that had lasted long into the spring. It was one of their proudest winter achievements. During the school year, although they didn't always have the same class, they would always find each other on the playground. If a conflict arose on the playground, Tony and Mike would always have each other's backs. Even if Tony thought Mike was in the wrong in a particular dispute, he would still take his side. They were best friends. In elementary school, Tony and Mike were inseparable.

Tony and Mike also went to the same middle school. Middle school was different. By seventh grade, Tony had grown to be slightly taller than average, while Mike was slightly shorter than average. Tony's adult teeth had come in perfectly straight, while Mike's had come in crooked. Mike needed braces. Tony continued playing baseball into middle school, and also picked up basketball and football. Mike stopped playing sports and focused on his musical interests. Mike played trombone in the school band.

As was the case with many elementary school friends, Tony and Mike grew apart. They still went to the same bus stop, and talked to each other occasionally, but Tony and Mike stopped hanging out outside of school.

One winter day, in the lunchroom, Mike came up to Tony's table and said to Tony, "Hey, remember that snowman we built in your backyard? Let's try to top it this year!" When Mike said this, Tony could feel his face become red. He quickly replied, "Yeah maybe, see you later Mike." When Mike left, the kids at Tony's table asked him about Mike. "You hang out with him?" "No." Tony said. "We just grew up together." Tony felt bad about brushing Mike off, but he brushed Mike off nonetheless. Sometimes people just grow apart, he thought.

Tony and Mike still knew each other in high school, but remained only loosely connected. Tony had a new group of friends and Mike often went on trips with the band, the members of which formed his strongest social group.

Tony's group of high school friends consisted primarily of three people – Pete, Steve, and Emily. Tony knew a lot of other people from school and occasionally attended large gatherings, but these three were his go-tos. The group could often be found together on weekends.

Tony cared about each of his friends and connected with them in different ways.

Tony and his friend Pete connected over their sense of humor. They both thought that a certain sit-com was a hilarious commentary on life. Tony and Pete would often watch the sit-com together and referenced its jokes in everyday conversation.

"What's the deal with poached eggs?", they would say to each other as they passed in the halls. When they said this saying to each other, each would laugh or smile wryly. They each knew how funny the comment was. "My body temperature was cold!", they would say at lunch. Not everyone at the table got the joke, but it didn't matter. Both the joke and the sit-com in its entirety were hilarious to Tony and Pete.

Tony and Steve connected over hopeless romanticism. Both Tony and Steve had a tendency to develop powerful crushes on girls who were way out of their league. For most of high school, Steve couldn't stop thinking about a girl named Tina. Thoughts of Tina made it hard for him to do Science homework, concentrate in English class, or complete his projects in Shop. Steve could have been a doctor or a college professor had he not gone to school with Tina. Instead, as an adult, he ended up selling glow sticks at summer fairs to supplement his low income. Tony was more fluid with his crushes, and alternated between various girls. But, like Steve, Tony often daydreamed about girls who he would never date in reality. It was a sad connection that Tony and Steve shared, but it was a connection nonetheless.

Emily was different than the guys. Tony and Emily didn't have any true shared interests, but just enjoyed talking about life together. Tony and Emily could talk about anything. They debated the Junior Bacon Cheeseburger against the McChicken. They speculated on local alien sightings. They laughed about their high school teachers. They went to movies together. They shopped for shoes together. Tony thought that Emily really overthought her shoe purchases, but it was amusing watching her do so. Tony and Emily also told each other their deepest secrets.

The group was a tight knit crew. Tony loved his friends and his friends loved him.

In the spring of Junior year, the group of four attended a large social gathering together. Tina, Steve's long-time crush, had an opportunity for fame, as her parents were out of town for the weekend. Although she would lose the privilege of driving the family Lexus for a month, Tina threw a party to remember.

Because Tina was interested primarily in numbers and her place in high school lore, all were invited. No matter what one's social status, the invite was open.

Each of the friends wanted to go for different reasons. Pete wanted to try out his jokes on a new crowd. Steve would never pass up the chance to be in the same room as Tina. Emily said she wanted to go to observe how self-absorbed and vain Tina's friends were, but she really wanted to go so when her girlfriends asked her what she did over the weekend she'd have something to say. And Tony wanted to go because several of his crushes would likely be there. Perhaps he would finally work up the nerve to ask one of them out. The four drove to Tina's together and were excited for an interesting night.

As the group arrived to the party, it was clear that, like themselves, most of their classmates had found reasons to attend. Virtually their entire grade was inside, or in the backyard, of Tina's house.

Oh boy, thought Pete, I'm going to make so many people laugh tonight!

Tina, thought Steve. Tina, Tina, Tina.

Everyone here is so self-absorbed and vain, thought Emily. Then the following thought arose from deep in her mind, You are too. Another thought then argued with the previous thought, No I'm not. But the deeper thought came back, Yes you are.

I wonder if Lacey is here, thought Tony.

The group of four split up to pursue their unique goals for the evening.

After entering, Pete headed to the kitchen and grabbed a drink. He then surveyed the house. Several smaller groups had formed circles in the living room. Perfect, Pete thought. Here we go. Pete approached the first group in the room.

"Hey guys, did you see what happened at lunch today!?" Pete was working on his storytelling humor. "I was sitting with Tony at lunch and Sarah Lewis and Jenna Wills walk up to our table. They never talk to anyone at my table. Anyways, they both turn right at Tony and start talking about how they like his shirt. Then they started talking about Algebra class and how they couldn't figure out how to graph equations. The whole time they're smiling and looking right at Tony, totally ignoring everyone else at the table. Then they ask Tony if he wants to meet them and some friends later to study. Tony is all like, 'Da-badah-badah-badah' lookin' around, sweating. He was so nervous! He could barely get a sentence out! He was finally like, 'Uh-uh-uh-uh-ok, s-s-s-sure.' Oh man, you guys should have been there!"

The whole group cracked up laughing. It was a funny story and Pete had painted a perfect word picture. Like Tony, several people in the circle got nervous when cute girls were around and they connected their previous experience to the story, making it even funnier.

Then another person in the circle added, "Yeah, you should have been there. Tony was all like 'Da-badah-badah-badah, lookin' around, sweating.'" This other person acted out Tony's reaction by shifting his eyes. The group cracked up even harder!

Then Pete thought, What the heck!? He just repeated my joke and now everyone is laughing at him.

Pete then said, "Yeah, he was all like..." Then Pete acted the scene out but added a motion in which he grabbed his shirt and puffed it in and out, as if he was trying to cool himself down from being so nervous.

The circle of people continued to laugh, but not as hard as when the other person in the circle acted out the scene. The joke was now over. And the biggest laugh had gone to another person in the circle.

Pete then said, "Alright guys, I'll see you later."

He walked away smiling to maintain appearances, but Pete was upset that someone had repeated his joke and got a bigger laugh.

Pete then looked for another group to approach.

While Pete was looking for another group to approach, Steve was looking at Tina. He began to daydream.

"Hey Steve," Tina said in the daydream. "I catch you looking at me all the time. Why don't you ever come talk to me?" Steve pictured Tina emanating a soft angelic glow. Then, in his daydream, they were suddenly driving in the country with the top down on a red convertible. Tina's hair was blowing in the wind and they looked at each other, laughing. Then suddenly he pictured them on their wedding day. She was so beautiful. They both said, "I do."

"Hey man, I'm trying to get through." Steve woke up from his daydream face to face with one of his classmates.

"Oh, sorry man." Steve got out of his way.

Then Steve thought, You know what, I'm sick of this. I'm finally going to go talk to Tina and ask her out. Carpe Diem.

Steve walked across the room with his heart pounding and found Tina standing, talking to several friends.

"Nice party," Steve said over the loud music.

"What?", Tina responded, turning to look at Steve.

"I said nice party." Steve said again, louder this time.

Tina looked at him. "Thanks Steve, there's more people out back." Tina then turned back to her friends.

She knows my name!, Steve thought. He stood beside the group awkwardly for several moments. The group stopped talking and looked at him. Steve then put his drink cup up to his mouth so he wouldn't have to say anything, and then, when he ran out of soda, put the cup down and said to Tina, "Hey, can I talk to you?"

Tina said, "Uhh, sure." Her friends remained silent. Steve had the whole group's attention.

Oh man, what do I do now?, Steve thought. He panicked and said, "Hey, do you want to go out sometime?" The group, including Tina, was speechless. One of her friends snickered. Steve hadn't planned to ask her out in front of a group, nor in that straightforward of a manner, but those were the only words that came to his brain. He then thought, Oh man, I have no idea what I'm doing.

Tina walked past Steve and touched him on the shoulder.

"Come here," she said.

Steve followed, his heartbeat increasing to near its maximum beats per minute. Oh my gosh, he thought. Is this really happening!?

Tina then led him into the living room, away from her friends, and said, "Hey Steve, I didn't want to embarrass you in front of my friends, but I have a boyfriend. Also, I see you looking at me a lot. It's kind of weird. I'm sorry, but I'm just not interested."

Steve stood motionless, unable to say anything.

"Hey!" Tina broke the silence and hurried past Steve to hug Tim, her college boyfriend who had just arrived.

Steve turned and walked away.

On his way out of the room, what felt like half of the blood in Steve's body rushed to his head. He could hardly hear anything over his heartbeat, and he could barely think. Ahhhh. Stupid, stupid. Of course she has a boyfriend. Oh my gosh, and she sees me looking at her and thinks I'm creepy? She's probably going to tell everyone at school! Ahhhh. I'll never get a girl like Tina. I'll never be happy. I'll always be a girlfriendless loser. What's the point of this ridiculous existence?

Tina was very kind about it. Kinder than most high school girls of her social status would be. But Steve's heart, confidence, and seemingly entire life was broken.

Several years after high school Steve became very handsome and, even though he didn't make much money and had to sell glow sticks at summer fairs to supplement his low income, was quite a catch. He dated many attractive women in his young adulthood. At their five year reunion, he ran into Tina. During the reunion party, he asked her out again. When she said yes, Steve didn't respond, but walked past her to talk to another group of old friends. As he walked past, he felt quite good about himself. Then the following thought arose in his mind, You live an empty life.

While Steve was having his dreams dashed, and Pete was re-telling his funny anecdote to a new group, Emily stood back in observation.

Look at these people. Look at Tina's friends, she thought.

They're just so obviously vain. Take Tina herself. Why am I even here? Why would I even be invited to this party? I'm just a number. Tina wanted to throw a big party and the more people, the bigger her head gets. Congratulations Tina, a bunch of people showed up to your house.

And look at her friends. They form their own little circle for attractive, popular people. They don't even want to talk to 90% of the people at this party. This whole thing is an exercise in vanity.

I'm a genuine person. I don't belong at a place like this.

Why did you come?, said a voice from deep within Emily's mind.

What else was I going to do tonight?, another voice responded. I came because my friends were coming and I didn't want to be bored.

You came to the party because you wanted to be able to say you went to a party this weekend. So you could look good in the eyes of your friends. You're using Tina for your own, self-centered ends. The deeper voice continued, And now you are judging people in order to feel better about yourself. That's the same thing that Tina's friends do.

Emily stopped thinking for a second. If there were two voices in her head, she didn't know which one she was, if either.

Emily then saw some of her girlfriends through the window. She walked out back to say hi. Emily didn't want to think these types of thoughts.

While Pete was telling his funny anecdote to yet another group, and while Steve was having a panic attack, and while Emily was talking to her friends out back, Tony was looking for Lacey, his current crush. He knew Lacey from Health class. She sat in front of him, and they had exchanged pleasantries. She at least knew who he was. Tony spent most of Health class sneaking peeks at Lacey. She was absolutely gorgeous, but seemed really shy. It at least seemed in the realm of possibilities that she might consider going out with him. Tony daydreamed about Lacey often. In Tony's daydreams, Lacey was often surrounded by a soft, angelic glow. Tony's daydreams also contained a scene in which he and Lacey were driving in a red convertible, laughing.

He saw her in the living room.

Oh boy, thought Tony. I'm going to ask Lacey out tonight. Carpe Diem. But first, I need to impress her.

Tony observed the room. He saw Pete laughing in a group; he saw Mike standing with one of his band friends in a corner; he saw Steve standing alone with his head down and mouth hanging open; and he saw Emily out back.

Ok, he thought, here we go.

Tony walked past Lacey, hoping to grab her attention, and approached Pete.

"What's the deal with poached eggs!?" Tony said as he entered the circle. He gave Pete a handshake, pulled him in for a pat on the back, and said, "My man!" Tony didn't realize that Pete just told the embarrassing story about what happened at lunch. But that didn't matter right now.

I hope Lacey is watching me embrace Pete and laughing with him. Pete is a funny and popular person. It might impress her to see this interaction.

Tony then moved on. He approached Mike and his band friend in the corner.

"Hey Mike," Tony said, ignoring his friend. "I know it's been a while. How you been?"

I hope Lacey is watching me talk with Mike right now, Tony thought. That would show that I'm a genuine guy, that I talk even to people who are not popular.

Tony looked at Mike while he was talking, but he wasn't listening to Mike's words. After 30 seconds, Tony cut Mike off.

"Alright man, good to see you! I'll catch you later."

Tony then approached Steve and put his arm around him.

"Hey Steve, how's it going?"

Steve didn't respond at all. While Steve just stood there, Tony was thinking, I hope Lacey sees me, and I hope I look good from this angle.

"Alright Steve, I'll talk to you later man."

Steve still didn't respond.

Tony then turned and looked at Lacey, who was standing by herself.

Alright, perfect opportunity. Just go for it. Don't overthink things. Tony then walked toward Lacey.

"Hey Lacey," Tony said with a slight smile. He didn't want to seem too happy to see her. He didn't want to seem desperate.

"Hi Tony," Lacey smiled back.

She remembered my name.

"So, how'd you do on that Health test?"

Tony knew this was a lame question, but, because he didn't want to overthink things, he hadn't planned out his first question. Carpe Diem.

"I got a B," Lacey responded. "I messed up the part about the cardiovascular system."

"Huh, a B." Tony didn't know how to respond. He was awkward. Tony searched his brain for some other conversation topic.

"Cardiovascular, huh?"

"Yeah," responded Lacey.

Tony put his cup up to his mouth so he wouldn't have to talk for a bit. He saw Emily through the back window.

"You see Emily out back?", he said to Lacey.

"We're pretty good friends. She tells me all of her secrets. She told me once that her biggest fear is dying alone." Tony laughed.

Lacey laughed too. But neither of them knew why. It wasn't really funny.

She laughed!, Tony thought. Alright, just go for it.

"Hey, I know this is really out of the blue, would you want to go to Prom with me?"

Tony hadn't planned on asking her to Prom, but it was coming up, and he didn't know what else to ask her to.

"Yeah, sure," Lacey smiled.

"Really? Uh...alright, cool." Tony paused and lifted his cup to his mouth so he wouldn't have to talk. Finally, he said, "Well I'll see you later Lacey." Tony didn't know what else to say to keep the conversation going and didn't want to ruin the moment. He walked out back.

Tony got what he wanted. A date, even a Prom date, with Lacey. On the way home, in the car with his friends, Tony thought, Yes, I got what I wanted. A date, even a Prom date, with Lacey.

Tony only had two girlfriends in his whole life.

Tony's first girlfriend was named Ashley. This relationship was in third grade, and although that may be too young to be thought of as a true relationship, Tony considered it so.

Ashley was a bubbly, blonde haired girl. In third grade, she wore pink at least three out of five school days a week. Her hair was generally pigtailed, as was the fashion at the time. Ashley sat close to Tony in their elementary classroom. The room was divided into pods of four desks, each pod containing two desks facing two desks. Tony's desk faced Ashley's so he basically looked at her all day. It was hard for him not to develop a crush with that much eye time.

Throughout the year, Tony and Ashley would work together on group projects. One project was building a large model whale. The class had watched a movie about a seaship and a whale, so the project naturally followed. Tony and Ashley made two large paper cutouts in the shape of a whale, which they painted whale colors and then stapled together, stuffing the insides with crumpled up newspaper and cotton balls, making the whale appear plump. During the project, the two third graders would flirt with each other in a third grade manner – throwing cotton balls at each other, teasing each other, and painting each other's hands, then saying "Whoops," pretending it was all an accident, while painting the whale.

As the year progressed, Tony and Ashley continued to flirt in a third grade manner, until one day at recess Ashley's friends approached Tony.

"Do you want to be Ashley's boyfriend!?", Corey asked Tony on the playground.

"No, I don't like Ashley," Tony responded. Tony really did like Ashley, but for some reason he said he didn't. His face got red and his heart started beating faster during this exchange.

"Yeah, right! You do to like her!", Corey said.

"No I don't! Ok, I've got to get back to my football game!"

Tony ran away to his football game with his heart racing. He was secretly very, very happy.

For the next several weeks, Ashley's friends would approach Tony on the playground asking if he wanted to be Ashley's boyfriend. Each time he said "No." But then one time he said, "Yes. I do really like her." Ashley's friends ran back to tell Ashley that she had a new boyfriend. Tony was nervous and happy. He had his first girlfriend. That night Tony went home and couldn't fall asleep. Hehe, Ashley is my girlfriend!, he thought.

For the rest of third grade, nothing really changed in Tony and Ashley's relationship. They basically did the same thing at school, except they were officially boyfriend and girlfriend. They did smooch once on the playground. It was Tony, and Ashley's, first kiss, and it was a delightful experience for both. They were in third grade love.

Tony and Ashley's relationship ended after the third grade. They couldn't see each other all summer and then Ashley went to another school the next year. But it was a nice first romantic relationship.

Later in his school years, Tony would look back on this relationship fondly. Third grade was an impressive year to have one's first girlfriend. Plus Ashley had been one of the cutest and smartest girls in the class.

Tony's second girlfriend was Lacey.

Junior Prom was a success and the two began dating soon afterward. Tony had fantastic dance moves and this really helped his cause. It was about as good of a situation for a first date as he could imagine, considering his impressiveness on the dance floor. Tony had sealed the deal with a move he called "The Crane" which included him protruding his neck in rhythm with the music. Lacey was thoroughly impressed and was happy to call herself Tony's girlfriend.

After Prom, the two were inseparable. They did everything together. Tony and Lacey would go to the movies together. They would go mini-golfing together. They would go to the mall together. Tony and Lacey could spend hours at the mall, shopping for shoes, eating ice cream, making fun of the latest fashions, people watching. The two were just happy to be in each other's presence.

When Tony looked at Lacey, he would get lost in her eyes. He felt as if he could see into her very soul. Tony loved watching the way she smiled. Her lips went just a little higher on the left side of her mouth than on the right. It was adorable. Lacey also had one tooth that looked like a baby tooth. Tony found it irresistible. When Tony and Lacey held hands, he thought, I need nothing else in this world. Thank you God for this beautiful woman. Tony was in love with Lacey. He would do anything to make her happy.

Tony bought wonderful, thoughtful gifts for Lacey. He drove her around town for various errands and to pick up her younger brother from soccer practice. He also spent many hours listening to Lacey's deepest thoughts, helping her with her problems when he could. Many milligrams of dopamine were released into his brain when they were together.

Tony was proud that Lacey was his girlfriend. She was so beautiful, and talented, and funny. Tony loved taking her around town and walking hand in hand. Lacey was impressive, and this made Tony impressive by association. Sometimes, as they walked together, Tony would look at other boys his age, stare them in the eye, and think, Yeah. I'm with her. He would also often daydream about someone trying to take Lacey from him. In his daydreams Tony would punch the aggressor straight in the jaw, knocking him to the ground, and pound his own chest in victory. Nobody could take Lacey away from Tony.

The more Tony dated Lacey, the more he realized he needed to do everything in his power to keep her. Where would I be without Lacey?, he thought. Probably spending all my time watching sit-coms. I am so much happier with Lacey as my girlfriend.

One day at lunch, Tony saw Lacey talking to Pete. Tony walked up and put his arm around his girlfriend.

"So he said, that's not a shoelace mister!" Pete had just reached the punchline of his joke. Lacey instantly broke into giggles and laughter.

Tony didn't smile.

"I was just telling Lacey that story about the shoe store clerk. So funny man!"

"Eh. Hey Pete did you hear the one about the guy who thought he was really funny? Turns out most of his jokes were just ripped from a TV show!"

Pete didn't say anything as Lacey finished laughing. He looked at Tony.

"Alright guys, I'll catch you later," Pete said as he walked away.

Another day at lunch, Steve said the following words to Tony: "Hey, just between you and me, I think Lacey might need some help in Science. Not that I can talk, but I saw her last test score. She's probably going to need to re-take it."

Anger immediately arose in Tony's mind. "So she had a bad test," Tony replied. "Are you saying she's not smart? Lacey is smart. Oh, and I forgot Steve, how'd your girlfriend do on the last Science test? Oh yeah, she got a zero because she's non-existent."

Tony was surprised at how mean he was to Steve, but he was mean to Steve nonetheless. A shot at Lacey was a shot at him. She was his girlfriend after all. He's just jealous, thought Tony.

Steve said, "I was just trying to help."

The Saturday after his lunchroom conversation with Steve, Tony was at the mall with Lacey, eating an ice cream cone.

"Hey, Steve told me that you failed that last Science test," he said.

"Yeah, I did. Nothing new."

Tony was silent for a moment. "What? I thought you were really smart."

"Why because I got a B on a Health test? That class is so easy Tony. No, I don't get very good grades."

"Hmmm, ok," said Tony. "Hey what's the deal with your left cheek? It's kind of red."

"Yeah it's like that. I didn't have a ton of time to do my makeup this morning."

"Oh," replied Tony. He paused again. "Well you'll have time to put some on before we go out tonight."

Tony loved Lacey, but she ended up dumping him at the end of the summer. She told him he just wasn't fun anymore. Tony was devastated. He cried uncontrollably for days and days. Then he thought, She wasn't that great anyways.

Tony also loved his mom, Kathy. Kathy was a florist and had a good income stream. Many times throughout his life, Tony's mom bought him the things he needed. She also made some wonderful home baked cookies.
5

THINGS TONY LIKED AND ENJOYED

Tony liked and enjoyed many things in life. One thing Tony enjoyed was Mountain Dew. He liked its smoothness – the way it glided down his esophagus without causing any discomfort. Other sodas might make his throat protest the heavy carbonation and flavor, but this reaction never happened when Tony drank Mountain Dew. He liked its sweetness. Mountain Dew had just the right amount of artificial sweetener. Not too sweet, but just sweet enough for his tastebuds to scream with delight. Tony preferred the version with artificial sweetener as opposed to real sugar. Maybe he had just been conditioned this way since his youth, but that was his preference. He liked the way Mountain Dew gave him a surge of energy. Sometimes, after taking a shot, Tony thought he could feel the green liquid pulsing through his veins and arteries. Tony occasionally daydreamed about himself as the Hulk, with green blood pumping through his entire body, giving him superhuman strength. The Mountain Dew replaced his blood in these fantasies. Tony especially loved the twenty ounce bottles of Mountain Dew. If he puckered his lips, he could just take a shot. But if he opened his mouth fully, Tony could let a continuous stream of the sweet drink enter his system. He liked his ability to control the amount of intake to give him just the right amount of high for the moment. Tony also liked the color of Mountain Dew – green but also transparent. It looked like it tasted, smooth and easy.

After drinking twenty ounces of his favorite soda, a thin residue would sometimes remain on his teeth. But Tony had no desire to wash off this residue with water. Tony knew that it was probably not good for his teeth to let the residue remain, but he let it remain nonetheless. Sometimes Tony would overdo it with the Mountain Dew and it might give him a headache. But that was nothing a little water and rehydration couldn't fix. The minimal negative side effects of drinking Mountain Dew were nothing that would hold him back from drinking the delightful beverage.

Another beverage that Tony enjoyed was tea. When he wasn't drinking Mountain Dew or lemony water, Tony really enjoyed his tea. The tea plant, camellia sinensis, could produce a variety of flavors and textures, depending on where it was grown and how it was processed. Tony enjoyed all different kinds of teas. He enjoyed green teas from China and Japan, some that were grassy and may even give a hint of the taste of the ocean; others that were calmer, especially Jasmine green tea. Tony would have green tea both when he wanted a sustained boost of mental energy, and also at night when he wanted to calm down. These green teas seemed able to have both effects, depending on what Tony himself wanted from it. It was the only beverage that seemed to be able to do this. Tony enjoyed Pu-Erh tea when he wanted something heavier or when he didn't have time to brew to exact specifications. Pu-Erh was a hearty blend. One could infuse this type of tea continuously for hours without causing it to become bitter. Tony had heard the taste of Pu-Erh described as "jungle floor." He liked that description and used it himself when people asked him about the taste of Pu-Erh tea. It was like drinking mud, but somehow was enjoyable.

Tony had also developed a taste for more delicate, white teas. He needed to take his time with these and always made sure that the brewing temperature was within the lower range required for white tea. He didn't want to ruin it by brewing at too hot a temperature. Tony used white teas only when he wanted to calm himself down at night. They didn't give him a boost in mental energy like the green teas did.

The only teas that Tony did not like were herbal teas. Tony was a purist, and herbals were not made from the tea plant, camellia sinensis, and thus were not technically tea. It bugged Tony that, in popular usage, these herbal blends were given the name "tea." It didn't seem fair. Tony drank tea often, both to enhance his consciousness and to provide a calming effect, depending on his needs at the time.

It seemed odd to Tony that he could enjoy such wildly different beverages – Mountain Dew and tea. One aimed at giving a quick, sugary high. The other produced calmness and evenness of mind. But he enjoyed the two wildly different beverages nonetheless.

Tony also enjoyed grey shoes. Grey shoes went with just about anything and they really fit Tony's style. Although Tony would often question other parts of his wardrobe, he was always confident in his grey shoes. Sometimes Tony would wear grey shoes with grey pants. That looked really nice if he had a colored shirt to wear. It would be odd to wear grey shoes, grey pants, and a grey shirt so he didn't wear a grey shirt on the days he wore grey shoes and grey pants. Sometimes Tony would wear grey shoes and khaki pants. It seemed to Tony that most different colored shirts worked with this shoe and pant combination, but he wasn't totally sure about it. Sometimes he would think, I wonder if this color shirt goes with grey shoes and khaki pants. Although he might question the shirt color in this scenario, the grey shoes were not in question. Tony wore grey shoes to work. He wore grey shoes to birthday parties. He wore grey shoes to see his family. He wore grey shoes to see his friends. If Tony was wearing shoes, odds are they were grey.

Sometimes Tony liked to spice up his grey shoes by getting colored laces. The grey shoes he purchased often came with grey laces, so if Tony wanted colored laces, he had to buy them separately. He might buy dark blue laces. He might buy dark red laces. One time, he bought a type of lace that was mixed with brown and dark blue. They were boot laces – round, sturdy, and textured. When these laces eventually broke, Tony was upset, because he did not know where to find a replacement pair. He checked many shoe stores, even online stores, but it was as if they never existed. Sometimes Tony would remember his brown and blue colored laces and be swept away by shoelace nostalgia.

Grey shoes were Tony's thing.

Tony also liked certain activities. One activity that Tony enjoyed was jumping on a pogo stick. Tony knew that this was an odd thing to enjoy, but he couldn't help it. He just loved pogo sticks. When he was younger, Tony would jump on his pogo stick all over town. His childhood friend, Mike, lived several blocks away. When Tony went to visit, he would bounce all the way there, trying to make it without having to put his feet on the ground. Over time, Tony became so good that his feet would never touch the ground on the whole trip to Mike's and back. One time, Tony had made it eight blocks down the street and eight blocks back home without ever stopping! He had never been able to beat that record, but it was an impressive record. The neighbors would often look out their windows and think to themselves, There goes Tony on his pogo stick again. Sometimes they would think, That child and his pogo stick. My goodness. It's a borderline obsession. Some of the neighbors even talked to Tony's mom, Kathy, about it.

"You really think it's safe to let Tony pogo stick down the street like that?", some would ask.

Kathy would always respond, "Yes, I think it's safe."

She would then say, "Would you like a home baked cookie?"

There was sometimes a passive aggressive nature to these conversations as the neighbors often slyly compared their parenting skills, and their children, to one another.

As an adult, Tony continued to like bouncing on his pogo stick, but he was well aware that it wasn't an age appropriate activity anymore. Sometimes Tony would drive all the way out to the edge of town and find a dirt road that led down to some farms. Tony would then take the pogo stick out of his trunk and bounce up and down the dusty road.

Another activity that Tony liked was twiddling his thumbs. Again, Tony knew that this was an odd proclivity, but he just enjoyed twiddling his thumbs. Tony would twiddle his thumbs while he was watching TV. He would twiddle his thumbs while he was reading the morning paper. He would twiddle his thumbs while grocery shopping. When he was in school, Tony had often twiddled his thumbs during class and under the table while at lunch. Sometimes his teachers would become frustrated with Tony.

One day Mr. Ketter said to Tony, "Tony, stop twiddling your thumbs! You're driving me crazy. Every time I look out of the corner of my eye, all I can see is twiddling."

Tony responded to Mr. Ketter by saying, "Yes, I will try to stop twiddling."

But within minutes, Tony's thumbs would begin twiddling again, against even his own will. Twiddling had become so ingrained in Tony that it was hard to separate Tony from the twiddling. It was as if, were the twiddling to stop, Tony wouldn't be Tony anymore.

His mother had once tried to cure Tony of his twiddling by purchasing a Chinese finger trap and making Tony put his thumbs in it. This drove Tony crazy. He ripped up the finger trap and yelled, "This is who I am Mom!" After that, his mother accepted the fact that Tony was a twiddler. There were worse habits.

As an adult, Tony had a better handle on his thumbs. He could stop if he needed. But Tony still really, really enjoyed twiddling his thumbs.

One other activity that Tony enjoyed was completing crossword puzzles. In his youth, Tony hadn't been much interested in crosswords, but in Tony's young adult life, he completed the morning crossword every day. Tony loved testing his knowledge in all areas of life and he enjoyed looking up new facts if he didn't know them. Tony could sometimes feel his brain growing with each box he lettered appropriately.

One morning, the clue for Twelve Down was Search for Meaning. There were six boxes and the third letter was A. Hmmm, Search for Meaning, Tony thought. The philosophy node and all connected nodes were immediately activated in Tony's brain. What is meaning? Is meaning inherent in a given situation? Or is it something that an individual projects upon reality? If so, can there be an objective meaning, or is meaning always subjective – between a situation and meaning-maker? Does life itself have meaning? Would that require an Ultimate Meaning-Giver? What do we even mean by the term? Why is it painful for me to conclude that life is meaningless? Is that a clue that life does, in fact, have meaning? That it is somehow inherent in the Universe?

Tony realized that he was less convinced now than he had been in college that any philosophical question had a firm answer. He googled the clue. The answer, according to Google, must be Frankl. Tony filled in Twelve Down and then ordered a copy of Viktor Frankl's most famous work.

Several weeks later, while immersed in Man's Search for Meaning, Tony came across the following words: "Being human always points, and is directed, to something, or someone, other than oneself, be it a meaning to fulfill or another human being to encounter. The more one forgets himself, by giving himself to a cause to serve or another person to love, the more human he is and the more he actualizes himself. What is called self-actualization is not an attainable aim at all, for the simple reason that the more one would strive for it, the more he would miss it. In other words, self-actualization is possible only as a side-effect of self-transcendence."

Tony then thought to himself, This is brilliant. I am more intelligent for having read this and I need to store this quotation in my long-term memory. If I ever get back into debating philosophy, this quotation would surely come in handy to help me win.

Tony then thought, See, I do learn things from the crossword.

Tony also really liked thinking about himself in certain ways. One way that Tony liked to think about himself was as a hard worker. When he was young, Tony had worked really hard on his baseball pitches. He would spend hours at the park throwing with Mike. He practiced inside pitches. He practiced outside pitches. He practiced the high heat. Tony's coach told him not to throw curveballs as it would ruin his arm development. But sometimes Tony would even throw curveballs. Tony toyed with his windup. He practiced from the stretch. He had several "looks" that he would give batters and he had each look down. There was the "peering over the glove" look. There was the straight face stare-down look. There was the "wry smile before I strike you out" look. In baseball, Tony worked hard and it paid off with many strikeouts.

Tony also worked hard in his high school Algebra class. Algebra didn't come naturally to Tony, but he gave it his all that year. He studied how to move variables from one side of an equation to another. He studied order of operations. He studied quadratic formulas, inequalities, and graphing, and slopes. At the end of the year, Tony got a B in Algebra. Hard work and it paid off.

Tony also worked hard one time when he was hired for a landscaping job. First he had to dig out a large section of grass. Then he had to haul the sod away. Then he had to dig a trench to put in edging. Then he had to put the edging in and stake it down. Then he had to refill the sides of the trench with dirt, to anchor the edging. Then he had to lay down a protective sheet which prevented weeds from growing. Then he had to acquire landscaping rock. Then he had to fill the large area with landscaping rock, shovelful after shovelful. That job had been a lot of work, and Tony could not have completed it had he not been a hard worker.

Yes, Tony liked to think of himself as a hard worker.

Another way that Tony liked to think of himself was as a good friend. There were many examples Tony could think of that led him to believe he was a good friend. That time he stayed up all night helping Steve study for a Biology final. Steve had spent most of the semester thinking about Tina when he should have been thinking about cell membranes and mitochondria, and was thus unprepared for the test. The night before the final, Tony spent hour after hour reviewing with Steve. With Tony's help, Steve passed. Just barely. That time he helped Emily throw her St. Patrick's Day party. He went shopping with her. He helped pick out St. Patrick's Day themed ornaments and decorated with her. He brought the cooler and the karaoke machine for her. The party was a success, and Tony had been part of the reason why. That time he bought Pete an ice cream cone after he got dumped because he kept on quoting TV shows too much. Yes, there were many examples that Tony could think of which showed that he was a good friend.

One final way that Tony liked to think of himself was as someone who was committed to self-improvement. He had once read a book called How to Become a Better Person in 21 Days.

If a fact was presented to Tony's consciousness which contradicted a way in which he prefered to think about himself, he would quickly try to forget about that fact. He didn't like the feeling of cognitive dissonance.

Tony kept on having the things he liked to have, doing the things he liked to do, and thinking the ways he liked to think in life. They were things, activities, and ways of thinking that made him happy. If something got in the way of Tony having something he liked to have, doing something he liked to do, or thinking the way he liked to think, he would become upset. And he thought about these things, activities, and mind-states quite often.
6

THINGS TONY DID NOT LIKE AND DID NOT ENJOY

Tony also did not like and did not enjoy many things in life. One thing that Tony did not enjoy in life was carrots. What's the point of carrots?, he thought. They are barely even food. They don't have hardly any calories in them, and I feel like they don't even have many nutrients. I could eat a whole bag of carrots, and I would still be hungry for supper. And the taste. Cold carrots have virtually no taste at all. People say, "Cold baby carrots don't really taste like carrots. You have to get raw carrots and steam them or heat them up in some way. Then you will experience true carrot taste." But when I get raw carrots and steam them or heat them up in some way, I don't like the taste at all. Now I've got a piece of food with a weird taste, that is a weird color, and doesn't provide many calories, or, it seems, nutrients.

I have heard that carrots help your eyesight but that seems like something that was probably just made up by a carrot farmer.

Carrots were one of Tony's least favorite foods. He didn't even want to think about them.

Another food that Tony did not enjoy was chicken.

Why does everybody eat chicken all the time?, he thought. Tony didn't like the taste of chicken. He thought that, like cold carrots, it basically tasted like nothing. It seemed that chicken was just a tasteless chunk of meat that needed sauces and toppings and marinades to be something worth eating. Why don't we just find food that tastes good in itself?, he thought. Food that doesn't need special sauces and toppings and marinades. He didn't like its texture either. Sometimes it was chewy, sometimes it was rough. It took some type of perfect cooking to make chicken juicy and plump. Tony didn't even like chickens themselves. In his experience they weren't friendly, not even with each other. Think of a chicken's existence, he thought. They just go around clucking and moving their necks back and forth. They just peck at little seeds or grass all day. They don't even seem to have any type of connection to other chickens, other barnyard animals, or humans. What a dry existence.

But, even though Tony didn't like chickens, he didn't like thinking about them getting their heads chopped off. That just seemed barbaric. Well, I guess we've got to eat something, he thought. And they do have a lot of protein.

Still, Tony didn't eat much chicken.

In addition to carrots and chicken, Tony did not like rollercoasters. He didn't even want to look at them. They were too tall and they made him feel short.

Tony also did not enjoy many activities in life. One activity that Tony did not enjoy was taking baths. He knew that many people enjoyed taking baths, but Tony was not one of those people. Why would someone want to sit in a tub of their own filth?, he thought when he thought about baths.

When he was a child, Tony took many baths. He took baths with rubber duckies in the tub. He took bubble baths. He took a bath once to soak up a scraped knee. When Tony entered the tub for that bath he thought, Oh boy, that stings. But Tony grew out of taking baths as an adult. The idea of someone sitting in a tub, with all the dirt and grime and dead skin flakes just swirling around in the water made him queasy. He didn't want his body getting all wrinkly either. Baths, Tony thought. What an absurd human practice.

Another activity Tony did not like was public speaking. Tony's first public speaking experience came in fourth grade. His assignment had been to prepare and deliver a three minute speech on one of his hobbies, something he liked to do in life. Tony decided to give a speech on pitching baseballs. He wrote his speech out in cursive on lined paper. It was two and a half full pages of text. Tony practiced reading through his speech several times before the day on which he would present to the class.

On the day of the presentation, Tony's name was called by his teacher and he approached the podium. As he got settled at the front of the class, Tony put his written speech on the podium so he could reference it. As he began to read, Tony fought through some butterflies in his stomach.

"I like baseball," Tony began. "Baseball is my favorite sport because it is played in the warm sun. I like batting, but I especially like pitching. I like to pitch because I have control of the game. I can decide where I think I should pitch the ball based on the batter at the plate and my defense. If our third baseman is good, I usually pitch inside, so the batter hits it to him. I have several types of pitches..." As Tony continued reading, he looked around the room. Mike was in his class and was looking right at him, smiling. Mike is a good friend, Tony thought as he read.

Some other students were looking at him, some were staring out the window, and Richie was on the floor. Tony also noticed two boys in the corner who were talking to each other quietly. One of the boys looked up at Tony and then turned back to his friend, laughing. Tony thought, I wonder if they are laughing at me.

Tony finished his speech and the class applauded as was the custom.

Tony's second public speaking experience was in middle school. Tony's Social Studies class had been broken up into groups of four. Each group was tasked with researching an ancient civilization and reporting back to the class on its defining characteristics: their political system, geography, agriculture, religion, major leaders, and any other characteristic that seemed relevant. Tony's group chose ancient Babylon and split up the assignment into parts. Tony was charged with presenting on Babylon's agricultural practices.

Tony worked hard on the project. He wanted to do well for the group. Tony spent his library days researching ancient Babylon in various encyclopedias and other sources. Through his research, Tony determined that Babylon's primary agricultural products were wheat, barley, sesame, flax, and olives. On the group's poster, Tony drew wheat, barley, sesame, flax, and olives in the agriculture section. He also typed up and printed out an explanation which said, "Babylon's primary crops were wheat, barley, sesame, flax, and olives. They grew these crops and then traded with neighboring nations near the Fertile Crescent."

On the day of the group's presentation, each member took turns sharing their part of the poster.

Lisa started with religion.

"Ancient Babylon was religiously diverse and many different gods were worshiped," she began. "The gods were sacrificed to in hopes that they would bless the people and help produce a good harvest. A famous creation story that stems from Babylon is called Enuma Elish, which means When On High..."

Tony began to think, Oh my gosh, she has so much. And it's all really good. I have like two sentences.

As Lisa continued, Tony began to feel his heartrate increase. His palms got sweaty and his mouth was becoming dry.

Ok, stay calm Tony, he thought. You can ad lib a little. You'll be fine.

After the other members of the group had presented, it was finally Tony's turn. He had planned on looking at the class, as a good presenter should do, but when it came time to speak, he couldn't think very well. Tony turned to face the poster.

"Babylon's primary crops were wheat, barley...", his voice was shaking. "Se-sesame, flax, and ah-aholives...," Tony's breath was becoming short. He paused, gulped, and continued. "They grew these crops and then traded with their neighbors."

Tony stopped. He didn't want to keep reading and his brain was giving him no off-the-cuff comments to add to his typed material. All he could think was, I'm messing up.

There was a long moment of silence. The class didn't know if the group was finished. Finally, the teacher said, "Any questions?"

Tony's third speech was in high school. Tony had a panic attack during this speech. His heartrate went wild, and he lost his ability to think and speak coherently about his topic. It was almost as if he was having an out of body experience.

Forever after, Tony did not like public speaking. Even toastmasters couldn't help.

Another activity that Tony did not enjoy was bowling. Why would anybody want to take a dirty, greasy bowling ball, stick their fingers in it, take four or five steps, and then heave it at ten oddly shaped pieces of wood?, he thought. What's the point? Then the ball comes back greasy from the oil on the lanes. Now I've got grease all over my hands and I need to use that hand blower by the ball return to dry off my sweaty, greasy hands. And then some people eat while they bowl. Now you've got lane grease on your food and you're putting it in your mouth.

Tony couldn't decide why humanity had invented bowling in the first place.

Don't we have better things to do with our time than invent games where we are getting grease all over our hands and heaving rocks at oddly shaped pieces of wood? This game doesn't even give you any exercise. At least with most recreational activities, you are getting some type of a workout. At least there is some positive physical effect in most recreational activities, and most games. At least you're getting some fresh air with many recreational activities. With bowling, you are entering a dirty, dark indoor facility that usually smells like smoke. Then you are putting on shoes that hundreds of people have worn, some of whom, just by the odds, probably had some type of fungus on their feet.

Uhh, Tony thought.

Now some alleys are trying to make this activity seem exciting by making glow in the dark pins, and shooting lasers the whole time. They also play loud, fun, music all in an effort to make this activity seem like a good time. It's all a mask for a game that has no positive health benefit, gets you oily, makes you smell like smoke, and probably gives your body all types of germs and diseases.

Tony didn't understand what people saw in this recreational activity. He also didn't understand that he had developed a mental distaste for bowling as a defense mechanism. He just wasn't very good.

Tony also did not enjoy thinking about himself in certain ways. One way that Tony did not enjoy thinking about himself was as a trendy person. He would rather be known as someone who had his own style in life. For this reason, Tony avoided many name brand pieces of clothing. He also listened almost exclusively to independent musical artists and did not like to see popular movies. One time a friend asked him to go see a midnight showing of a new, quite popular movie. At that time, Tony said, "No. I don't want to go."

But sometimes Tony would think, Is the very fact that I do not want to be known as someone who is trendy, but rather as someone who has his own style in life, a trendy thing to do? After all, there are many people like me. People who do not like to do trendy things. And I now find myself gravitating towards those kinds of people. But Tony would usually shake off those thoughts when they came, oftentimes even doing so physically by shaking his head back and forth. He didn't want to go down that rabbit hole.

Likewise, Tony did not like to think of himself as someone who was overly concerned with what other people thought of him. But Tony didn't realize that the very fact that he did not want to think of himself as someone who was overly concerned with what other people thought of him was, in fact, a function of the very fact that he was quite concerned with what other people thought of him. In his subconscious mind, due to childhood exposure to a song lyric from a popular band which implied that the way to social acceptance was to not worry about social acceptance, a lyric and band he had long since forgotten about, Tony believed that being a kind of person who did not care what other people thought of him would make people like and approve of him. And, regardless of how he wanted to think of himself, Tony did often have thoughts about what people thought about him.

Tony was complicated.

If a fact was presented to Tony's consciousness which contradicted a way in which he did not prefer to think about himself, Tony would quickly try to forget about that fact. He didn't like the feeling of cognitive dissonance.

Tony kept on avoiding the things, activities, and ways of thinking that he did not like and did not enjoy in life. Avoiding them was a way to keep himself happy. If Tony had to encounter, do, or think something that he did not like and did not enjoy, he would become upset. And he thought about avoiding these things, activities, and mind-states quite often.
7

A CLOSE ENCOUNTER

Tony looked straight ahead, his eyes stinging. It was a few hours before dawn, and he had been driving all night. His stomach, containing a mixture of Mountain Dew, Skim Milk, and a chocolate Long John, growled. Tony was driving between the lines of his designated lane.

The Escort had also been driving all night. The fill-up earlier in the evening had been essential to the success of the trip. It had allowed The Escort to fulfill its purpose, and move Tony closer and closer to his new town. As The Escort drove, it observed its surroundings.

The night was very dark, and the road was not well lit, so The Escort couldn't see very far. Mostly it saw the pavement in front of it, as its headlights were pointed directly ahead. But The Escort could also see just off the edge of the road into the brush on either side.

Several times throughout the evening The Escort thought it saw a deer's eyes looking at it from the darkness. Each time The Escort thought it saw a deer, fear and anger arose from deep within its mind. The Escort would remember its previous encounters with deer and how they had caused Audrey to swerve the steering wheel sharply in the past. But then it would remember the life-changing experience during which it had observed the birth of a baby fawn. The Escort now believed that all deer were its brothers and sisters, subject to the same wants, desires, fears, and anxieties that The Escort itself was subject to. The Escort now loved all deer as if they were its own family.

But The Escort's observation of the birth of a baby fawn and its realization that it now loved all deer did not cancel out all of its previous experience. Fear and anger still arose in its mind every time The Escort thought it saw a deer.

Hmmm, thought The Escort. It seems that, although I now logically believe all deer to be my brothers and sisters and even feel a sort of familial warmth towards them, my mind still reacts as if they are my enemies. The experience of observing the birth of a baby fawn was not strong enough to erase earlier traumas. The Escort then laughed internally at the mysterious nature of its own mind and of reality itself.

Tony's mind began to wander. Why am I even moving to a new town?, he thought. It's just going to be the same old me. Do I think that, just because I have some new surroundings, I am going to magically transform into a new, better, more impressive, and happier human being? Sure, I have gotten into my patterns. And sometimes those behavioral patterns are connected to people and places. I do act in a certain way when I am around certain people, and in certain social settings. A break in those ties could help me to move on, to become somebody different. Yes, perhaps this really will help me. A fresh start. I can take the best pieces of me and leave the rest behind. But aren't the bad pieces, the mundane, average, and boring pieces of me part of who I am? Can I just choose to leave parts of me in an old town? Maybe I can.

Tony couldn't decide if moving was a good thing or a bad thing. He couldn't decide if it was going to help him, or if he would just be the same old Tony.

I am going to miss my mom, Tony continued to think. And I am going to miss those home baked cookies. But you know what? This was a good choice. It really was. I have the potential to be happier because of this move.

Tony turned on the radio.

The Escort's mind began to wander. I wonder how many years I have left?, thought The Escort. Probably not many. It seems like it's close to the end of the line for me. Crazy, I remember Thailand like it was yesterday. Life goes so quickly in retrospect. Soon I will just be scrap metal, perhaps melted down and formed into a piece for a new car. Maybe my body will become parts for many new cars, luxury cars even. That would be nice. The circle of life. The base elements of an old beat up car become the very elements that form new life. Although the cycle is tragic, there is a certain beauty in it as well.

The Escort did hope for continued existence.

But what will become of me? Not my body, but me? My consciousness. If I am simply snuffed out, no longer able to remember my past, experience the present, or contemplate my future, if there is nothing but a dark void beyond this life, then nothing will have truly mattered. No ultimate significance. Life and then an eternity of non-being. The Escort couldn't decide if it was happy with that situation or not. It would, at least, mean the end of rusting, of endless oil-changes and repair, of suffering. But it would also mean the end of any potential joy.

Perhaps there is renewed life beyond this existence, it continued to think. An eternal, joyful, individual existence in the Great Beyond. Or perhaps I will merge with my Source, the Source of All Being. Maybe this life does have some deep, hidden significance which will only be realized in retrospect. Perhaps fulfilling my duty, for instance my duty of transporting Tony to a new town, will somehow ultimately matter. Perhaps in the eyes of my Creator. Yes, there must be something more. Otherwise this existence is simply vain, meaningless. A vain, meaningless existence might be the truth of reality. It might be the sad and tragic Nature of Things. But something in me has to fight that thought, has to hope for something more.

Eternity had been set in the Escort's heart.

The Escort felt its radio turn on. Its mind stopped contemplating the mortality and fate of all living things. Something wasn't right.

The Escort observed the brush on the left hand side of the road. It thought it saw a deer's eyes looking directly at it. The Escort looked more closely. Yes, it was a deer. This was not simply The Escort's imagination. Fear and anger arose in The Escort's mind as it saw the deer begin to run toward the road.

Tony swerved the steering wheel sharply to the left and slammed the brakes, just barely avoiding the crossing deer. The Escort spun around 270°, its tires screeching, and came to a stop perpendicular to the road. Tony's heart was racing. "Whoooo!" Man. That was close. Hehehe, maybe I needed a wake up! This baby's still got that handle and solid brakes.

"Escort, we sure have been through a lot together!", he spoke to his car, slapping the roof with one hand as if to thank the machine.

Tony then collected himself and slowly turned back onto the empty road, continuing his journey to a new town. The Escort thought to itself, I'm never going to get over my deer trauma.

Tony continued to drive. Several minutes later, he saw a woman standing outside of her car on the shoulder of the road. It was an odd sight and, as it was dark, Tony sped past, only seeing the woman when The Escort's headlights were close enough to illuminate her figure.

Immediately after he saw the woman, Tony thought, I am a good friend and although I do not know this woman, to be a good friend, I should really stop and see if she needs help. I am also committed to self-improvement and what better way to improve myself than to start my new life by being a better person? Tony pulled over to the shoulder.

After pulling over, Tony exited The Escort and began walking toward the woman. As he walked toward the woman, he said the following words:

"Hi there. Are you okay? Looks like you're having some car trouble."

After he said these words, Tony thought, I am being a good friend – even to a stranger. Immediately after Tony thought that thought, one milligram of dopamine was released into his brain.

"Oh, thank you for stopping sir," the woman replied. "I am having car trouble this evening. It looks like I ran over a nail and I now have a flat tire. I do have a spare, but I can't change the tire on my own. I know it's a terrible thing to ask at this time of night, but could you help me change the tire out so I can be on my way?"

"Of course I can ma'am. My name is Tony. I have a jack in my trunk. Let me go grab that and maybe you could get your spare tire out?"

"Oh my, thank you Tony. I will do that. Thank you so much for stopping. My name is Annab–"

"No problem ma'am," Tony interrupted the woman as he turned back to the Escort. "No problem at all!", he yelled with his back turned to the woman.

As Tony approached the Escort, he thought, This should be no problem. I'll just get the jack from the trunk and then change the spare tire out. I'll be back on the road in no time and will have done a good deed to boot.

Tony grabbed the jack and headed back to the woman.

"Alright here we go," Tony said. "I'll just jack the car up and change the tire out for you." Tony then put the jack on the ground underneath the car and slid under. At that very moment, Tony realized that he did not know where to place the jack or how to operate it.

Taking the jack in his hands, he looked for a button that he imagined would spring the device into action and levitate the car off the ground. But Tony could find no such button. He began to sweat.

"Everything alright?", the woman said after Tony had been under the car for several minutes.

"You know what ma'am, this jack is broken. I'm sorry, but I'm not going to be able to fix your spare tire."

Tony came out from under the car and stood up, dusting himself off.

"Here's what I can do. Why don't you join me in my car and we'll keep driving up the road a bit. According to the last sign I saw, there should be a town in about 15 miles. Once we get into town, we can look for an auto-body shop or gas station that is open. Perhaps they could send a tow-truck or someone out to fix your tire."

"Oh my, thank you Tony. Yes that sounds like a good plan."

As the woman entered The Escort, Tony thought, This is a good thing to do, and one additional milligram of dopamine was released into his brain.

Alright, Tony thought as he drove to the nearest town. This is a good thing to do. This is a great start to my new life in a new town. Tomorrow I should journal about this incident so I can look back on it later as the kickoff to my new life.

I wonder what I will do for work now. I feel like I need to find something new, something outside of managing a random store. Maybe I could work outside for a little bit. Find a construction job where I am performing manual labor. That would get me into shape too. I could use the exercise. I feel like I have kind of let myself go physically. Yes, it would be good for me to get a construction job. Maybe I could run a jackhammer on a road crew. I think that would give me big arms.

"So," said the woman, "are you from around these parts?"

"Yes, kind of. Not too far from here," Tony replied.

I also wonder how I will meet new friends in this town? Maybe I could join some type of recreational sports league and meet people that way? Maybe a kickball or softball league. Yes that would be a good way to meet some new people. I need to find some good new friends and start having fun again. I think I really want to emphasize my funny side in this new town. I can be The Funny Guy. I'll need to dust off some of my old jokes.

"I also grew up near here," said the woman. "About two hours North."

Tony coughed. After a brief silence, he said, "Hmmm, two hours huh?"

"Yes, two hours North. A small town. Life was simpler when I–"

What were those jokes I used to tell? Oh yes, that one about the pencil that needs to be sharpened. Yes, that is brilliant. What were the other ones? Oh yes: Knock knock. Who's there? Banana. Banana who? Knock knock. Who's there? Banana. Banana who? Knock knock. Who's there? Banana. Banana who? Knock knock. Who's there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you glad I didn't– No, everyone's heard that and it hasn't really been funny since third grade. What are some other ones? Oh yes: Did you hear that the man who invented the clock has finally written his autobiography? It's about time. Yes, that will work.

Yes, maybe I'll try to be The Funny Guy in this new town. Or maybe I can be The Philosophical Guy. Yes maybe I can start reading philosophy again.

Yes, I can turn many conversations in a philosophical direction. For instance, if someone asks some type of moral question, for instance "Should I help my sister move this weekend?", I can lead the conversation towards moral theory. "Well," I might say, "that depends on what type of moral philosophy you adhere to. If you are a utilitarian you have to ask yourself 'Does this action lead to the greatest good for the greatest amount of people?' Then, of course, you have to ask yourself 'How do we measure 'amounts of good'?..." And so on. Yes, maybe that's who I could be in a new town.

"I see a gas station up here on the right," said the woman.

Yes there are many ways that I could re-invent myself. I just have to pick which way I want to re-invent myself.

I'll have to look for an apartment right away this morning. Maybe I can stop into a coffee shop and ask around about some different apartment complexes in town.

"The gas station. Looks like there's one right here Tony."

"Huh? Oh, yes. Here we are."

Tony pulled into the gas station and dropped the woman off.

"I kind of need to be on my way, but I think this should work!"

"Yes. Um... yes this should be fine. Thank you Tony."

As Tony drove away and looked back at the woman through the darkness one last time, his brain connected the node responsible for the memory of this event into the Good Friend neural network, and one additional half milligram of dopamine was released.

Yes, I am a good friend, Tony thought. I think I'd like to get a one bedroom. I don't like studio apartments. It's weird to have your bed out in the apartment itself. Yes, I think a one bedroom would be best.
8

REGRETS

It was now nearly dawn, and, as Tony continued driving, he thought about all the regrets he had in life. Tony regretted many things. Some things he regretted doing. Other things he regretted not doing.

One thing Tony regretted doing was choosing that chocolate Long John earlier in the evening. The chocolate Long John was mixing with the milk and Mountain Dew in an odd way in Tony's stomach and had been for quite some time. Hmmm, Tony thought. When I was making my choice between the chocolate Long John, the chocolate bar, the sugar based candy, the orange-wrapped candy and milk, an apple and banana, or just an apple, or just a banana, and eventually chose the chocolate Long John, I did not take into account that I already had a Mountain Dew in my stomach. Yes, that was one factor that I neglected to consider. It seems that, just as a banana, or really any fruit for that matter, is not meant to be eaten with a soda, so a chocolate Long John should not be eaten with a soda. At least not with a soda and milk. Perhaps it is the milk and the soda that is creating this odd reaction in my stomach.

This regret would be a fairly minor regret in the grand scheme of Tony's life, but he was regretting it quite a bit at the moment.

Well, live and learn I guess!, Tony thought as he continued to drive. I did really enjoy that chocolate Long John when I ate it. Sure it is causing an unpleasant sensation in my stomach at the moment, but it was quite tasty at the time.

Tony then reconsidered his previous thought which seemed to have made peace with the trade off of past pleasure for present distress.

I'm not so sure, though, that the past tastefulness really does make up for my present condition. The tastefulness of the chocolate Long John is now is simply a memory – an imprint in my brain – and the gurgling in my stomach is a present reality which I cannot escape. Oh well, soon this unpleasant sensation will also only be a memory – simply an imprint in my brain.

This chain of thoughts led Tony to consider the nature of time and man's place in it.

But once this unpleasant state of being is gone, and becomes simply an imprint in my brain, there will just be another, new state of being to take its place. And it seems as if this state of affairs will continue for my entire time as a finite man. Because this seems to be the case, perhaps the only time that is truly real is the present moment. The past, whether it is the distant past, or the near past, even minutes ago, even seconds ago, is gone. All that is left is my own imperfect memory of that time. And the future is always yet to be, simply a field of potentialities. Yes, at least from my point of view, as a finite being, this is how it seems. Yes, the Present is the only time that is Truly Real! And yet I spend so much of my time remembering the past and contemplating the unborn future. I am missing out on Now, the only time that is Real!

Tony thought he may just have discovered the key to life. At that moment Tony made a resolution, which he would rarely keep, to live in the moment more often. Carpe Diem. After his resolution, Tony quietly chuckled at the mysterious nature of his own mind and of reality itself.

Still, I regret the chocolate Long John, Tony then thought. I would have been happier with another choice.

Tony also regretted buying that lottery ticket.

Why would I have bought that lottery ticket?, he thought. There are so many other ways I could have used that money which I would have been happier with. And I'm pretty sure that clerk was saying something, trying to warn me that it wasn't worth my money. Ahhh, that was a mistake.

Tony then thought about all the things he could have purchased with the $5 he had wasted on the lottery ticket. He could have bought several of the other snack items he had been considering, ones that may have mixed better with the contents of his stomach. Ones that he would have enjoyed at the moment of consumption and led to a more pleasant feeling for the remainder of his trip. He could have bought a different scratch off, a scratch off that actually won him some money, more funds with which he could buy more items, perhaps snacks. He could have bought a ham sandwich. A delicious ham sandwich with melted cheese on a lightly toasted bun.

He could have purchased a stocking cap to keep his head warm when the weather got cold. It wouldn't be a nice cap, but there were $5 caps out there that could do the trick. He could have bought a pair of shoelaces for his grey shoes – dark blue or dark red shoelaces. Perhaps he could have stumbled upon those blue and brown boot laces he missed so much. Then the $5 could have been used to purchase those amazing laces.

Tony could also have used the $5 to purchase a small amount of premium tea. Perhaps he could have consumed that tea and then have been in a better state of mind to decide how to use the rest of his funds. He also could have used the money on something practical, like $5 worth of gasoline.

That lottery ticket was a poor choice, Tony thought.

Something else that Tony regretted was the way he treated Lacey later in their relationship. One incident in particular was regrettable to Tony, and it occurred the time he and Lacey went mini-golfing.

Overall it had been a fun day at the outdoor mini-golf course. The two had taken turns putting their colored mini-golf balls around the obstacles and into the cup. One hole had a loop-de-loop. One hole had a bunch of wooden posts to putt around. That wasn't a very creative theme, but it was a fun obstacle. One hole even had a spinning windmill. Both Tony and Lacey had to time their putts just right to get it through! That was a very fun hole.

At the start of the game, Tony and Lacey decided to bet an ice-cream cone on the round.

"Well, I'll obviously need to give you a handicap," Tony had said playfully.

"Oh really?", said Lacey. "Have you ever seen me play?"

"I've seen you swing a baseball bat," Tony replied, recalling the time they had gone to the batting cages.

"Totally different motion! Just wait for it Tony. You brought your wallet right? I'll take a chocolate dipped."

Tony loved Lacey. He wanted to make her happy.

The two were having a nice time until they reached Hole Sixteen. Hole Sixteen is where things went downhill in a hurry.

Due to the layout of the mini-golf course, Hole Sixteen was set up right next to Hole Ten. As fate would have it, just as Tony and Lacey arrived at Hole Sixteen, another group came around the corner and arrived at Hole Ten. Tony knew this group from school and they were quite impressive. Tina, Sarah, and Jenna were paired with Tim, Luke, and Ryan. Three power couples.

"Luke stop!", Sarah yelled as she giggled. "Put me down!" Luke was carrying Sarah over his shoulder to the tee-box. Things were good for this group of six and life had been kind to them until this point. Tony was, in fact, sometimes jealous of the members of this group and others like them – those who it seemed life had only smiled upon. Tony didn't realize that each member of this group was subject to the same wants, desires, fears, and anxieties that Tony himself was subject to. He had yet to realize that they too, simply by virtue of being human, would experience suffering and pain, each in their own way. He had yet to see them as fellow sentient beings, brothers and sisters on the journey of existence. But they were. And Tony would understand that with time.

As the group of six reached Hole Ten, Tony and Lacey were teeing off.

As they were teeing off, Tony heard Ryan say, "It sure is Rosey out here today!" There was a garden of roses near the course and Ryan thought that, because the word 'rosey' could also mean that it was a nice, pleasant day out, his comment would be funny. Although it wasn't funny, it was still a nice try.

But when Tony heard the comment, "It sure is Rosey out here today!", he thought Ryan was making a veiled comment about Lacey's slightly red cheek. Lacey's left cheek was kind of red. Usually, when she had makeup on, it was hard to tell, but sometimes you could still tell.

Really Ryan?, Tony thought as he watched Lacey tee-off. What a jerk thing to say. Tony then thought about turning to Ryan and saying, "What was that? I didn't hear you." In Tony's fantasy, Ryan responded, "Did I stutter? I said it sure is Rosey out here today, just like your girlfriend's rosey-ass cheek." Then, in Tony's fantasy, he forearmed Ryan to the neck and he fell backwards, hitting his head on a rock. Finally, in Tony's fantasy, he thought, Oops. Maybe I went too far.

But instead of enacting his fantasy, Tony just continued to mini-golf.

As Tony and Lacey finished Hole Sixteen, they each retrieved their golf balls from the cup. As they waited at the end of Hole Sixteen for the next group to finish, Tony initiated the following conversation:

"You put makeup on today, right?"

"Yes."

"Why?", Lacey responded.

"Oh nothing. Just wondering."

There was a pause.

"What do you mean just wondering? Is there something wrong with my makeup?"

"No...uh, well I guess you can kind of see that redness in your cheek."

"Yeah sometimes the redness comes through. There's not really a whole lot I can do about it."

"Yeah, ok, you can hardly notice it."

Tony and Lacey continued waiting for the next hole.

"Is my red cheek a problem for you Tony?", Lacey then said, becoming upset.

"No, it's not. I was just wondering."

"Well you keep mentioning it. Is it that bad?"

"No it's not. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said anything."

"Am I not pretty enough for you Tony? Is that it?", Lacey said.

Her cheek became a darker shade of red.

"That's not it Lacey. That's not it at all. It's just..."

"It's just what?"

"It's just... you look really nice with your makeup."

"So I need makeup to look nice!? Wow Tony, wow." Lacey was now beginning to cry.

"I'm sorry. I have a red cheek. It's part of who I am. You don't think I've tried to fix it?"

"Lacey, come on. Stop."

"You know what Tony, you can get your own damn ice cream."

Lacey began to walk away, crying.

"Lacey wait." Tony started after her.

"Leave me alone!", Lacey yelled as she stormed off the course.

Tony stopped. His heart sunk. He had just hurt Lacey's feelings, and it made him feel terrible. But he did want her to use her makeup. It made them a more impressive couple, perhaps almost on par with the group of six.

Tony also regretted the last musical album he purchased. He felt, in retrospect, that he should have just bought the one song he knew he liked. The deep tracks are almost never worth it anymore, he thought.

One thing that Tony regretted not doing was not going to University. He had missed his chance, it seemed.

Just think of what I could have been, he now thought.

Tony thought he could have majored in dance and become a professional dancer – maybe even a backup dancer for a famous celebrity. Perhaps he could have joined a group and entered a national dancing contest. Perhaps that same group would have won the national contest and have become rich and famous in their own right, even without the aid of a celebrity. Tony himself may have been the celebrity. He could have made his favorite move, The Crane, a national sensation. The Crane could have been such a popular dance move that someone may have created a documentary about Tony's life, the focus of which would have been his dancing ability.

Dang, Tony thought.

Tony believed he also could have been a scientist. I was pretty good in Science, Tony remembered. He thought about that time he helped Steve study for his Biology final. They had reviewed all kinds of facts about cell membranes and mitochondria. Yes, Tony thought. I was pretty good in Science class. Maybe I would have been the one to discover a cure for some of the world's most deadly diseases. Tony imagined his smiling face, in a pair of lab goggles, on the front of Scientific American. In this imagined picture, Tony was also holding up a flask with a colored liquid inside. That picture would have been framed and probably hung on a wall, he thought.

Had Tony not become a professional dancer or scientist, he at least would have been able to go on a semester abroad.

I could have gone to Africa, Tony thought.

Tony imagined studying in the heart of Africa. In his fantasy, one day Tony went out for a hike into the thick jungles of the Congo River Basin.

Hacking down the dense hanging limbs with a machete, Tony made his way through the jungle. As he was hiking, Tony saw many exotic animals. He saw monkeys. He saw orangutans. He saw colorful birds. He also saw poisonous spiders and snakes. He even passed a black panther, which he saw observing him from a tree. But none of these exotic dangers worried him. Tony was fearless.

Tony continued hacking through the brush. With one final swing, Tony pushed through several branches and stumbled into a large clearing.

Wow, Tony thought. His breath was taken away by the sight.

Beams of sunlight illuminated the clearing from above, and Tony stared down at the most beautiful lake he had ever seen, a stilled lake filled with pristine emerald blue water. The hidden expanse was covered in lush green grass and bordered on all sides by thick jungle and tall rock.

I have stumbled into a hidden paradise, Tony thought. Perhaps The Garden of Eden itself. A place where God once dwelt with man.

Tony carefully edged down a steep decline and made his way to the lake. He stepped into the water and peered down at his own clear reflection. Cupping his hands, Tony gathered some of the glistening liquid and poured it over his head. He then laughed in sheer delight.

Dang, Tony thought. I could have gone to Africa.

Another thing that Tony regretted not doing was not putting his full effort into one of Lisa's vegetarian topping arrangements at Peppi's Pizza.

It was a busy day and Tony had been in a pizza making rush. Orders seemed to be flying at him with breakneck speed. "I need an extra-large Meatlovers," his manager said. Moments later, "Ok, here comes another. I need a large Canadian bacon and pineapple!" Again, "One more, a personal pan custom with extra cheese and anchovies!"

Tony was struggling to keep up, but the orders showed no sign of slowing down. Finally, his manager said, "I need a medium Vegetarian Delight. This one's for Lisa!"

Dang, another one? Tony thought.

Tony raced through the orders. Alright, he thought. Meatlovers down. What was the next one? Tony looked at the order slip. Ah yes, Canadian bacon and pineapple. Tony grabbed the toppings and spread them on the pie, trying to arrange them so each bite would be delicious. Yes, he thought. This will do.

Ok, a few more.

At that moment, his manager yelled, "Large pepperoni!"

What!? Alright whatever.

Tony looked at the dough which would become a Vegetarian Delight.

Sorry Lisa. There was a metal container with a mix of leftover ingredients that had fallen off previously made pizzas. Tony grabbed a large handful and threw it on the pizza.

Tony then thought, Mmm, Lisa is a vegetarian and there are small pieces of meat in this topping arrangement. Then another thought came, Lisa probably won't even notice. Just throw on some extra cheese.

Tony listened to the second voice, threw on some more parmesan, and placed the pizza in the oven.

Later, when things had calmed down, Tony went out to the dining room to observe the customers. He walked over to Lisa's table as she was biting into her third slice.

"Hey, Lisa! How is it?", Tony said.

"It's good, thanks Tony!", she replied.

Then Tony thought, I am responsible for Lisa eating small pieces of meat, an act that is against her life philosophy.

That thought didn't feel good in Tony's brain. It made him feel like a bad friend. Tony then shook his head from side to side and the thought went away.

Tony also regretted not taking his pogo stick with him to his new town. As he was leaving, he thought, I have too many things and not enough space. I'll have to leave the pogo stick behind. But now he thought, I miss my pogo stick.

As Tony now reflected on these regrets, his mind lingered on how he made Lacey feel and what he did to Lisa. Of all the things he regretted doing or not doing, these were somehow more pure regrets, deeper regrets. They had weight. He didn't think about them as much, and, in fact, they almost never occupied his mind, but he regretted them more. At least he did at that very moment.
9

NO REGRETS

Soon after Tony had reflected on all of his regrets in life, he also thought about all the things he did not regret. Some things Tony did not regret doing. Other things he did not regret not doing.

Well, although I do regret some things in life, both things I have done and things I have not done, there are also many things that I do not regret, Tony thought. Some things I don't regret doing, other things I don't regret not doing.

As Tony was thinking about the things he did not regret in life, both things he did not regret doing and things he did not regret not doing, The Escort also reflected on its own short existence, as it continued to be aware that it was very near the end.

You know what?, thought the Escort. All things considered, it has been a pretty good life. Sure, I have taken my lumps along the way. This replacement door, for instance, or the rusting I am presently experiencing, or the deer trauma, but when I take everything into account, I have enjoyed my time in this mysterious reality which I found myself thrown into, without my previous consent, some twenty years ago. Yes, whether it was seeing Thailand, hitting my maximum speed, witnessing the birth of a baby fawn, or fulfilling my duty of driving Tony to his new town, the good has outweighed the bad. I will pass from this life into whatever comes next in peace. The Escort then felt itself overcome with gratitude for the chance it had to experience the world. At that very moment, The Escort felt its consciousness begin to dim.

I don't regret buying grey shoes over and over again, Tony thought. Yes, I still really like grey shoes and they really fit my style. When I look down and see my grey shoes, I often feel happiness and my mood is often lifted. I still really like grey shoes with dark blue laces. I also still really like grey shoes with dark red laces. But most of all, I really like grey shoes with those blue and brown boot laces. I hope I find those again sometime.

Overall, I have lived a happier life ever since I found out that I prefer grey shoes. Had I not found out that I prefer grey shoes, and then used that knowledge and continued to buy grey shoes, I'd probably still be alternating back and forth between different types of shoes, and different colors.

For several months, I may wear black shoes. Perhaps black shoes with black laces. Then, for another several months, perhaps I would be wearing green shoes, or blue shoes, or brown shoes. Perhaps I'd be wearing shoes with a checkered pattern, or shoes with stripes. I'd probably be alternating between new brands and styles all the time, never knowing if I preferred this shoe or the other.

With all of this fluctuation in my shoe color and style, I would never know if my current style of shoes went with the rest of my wardrobe. I'd probably be spending all my time trying to figure out if my pants, or my shirts, went with my new style of shoe, the style of shoe that I happened to prefer at that given moment.

Yes, Tony thought. I don't regret buying grey shoes over and over again. Not for one minute.

Another thing Tony did not regret doing was faithfully completing the crossword puzzle each morning. Yes, faithfully completing the crossword puzzle each morning had helped Tony in many ways.

Tony remembered the time he had been in a lunchtime conversation with his friend.

"I just can't get on board with liberal fiscal policy," his friend had said. "I mean, once you take away someone's motivation to work, either by taxing them to death or giving them handouts, the whole economy suffers. I just think, the less regulation we have, the better off we'll be in the long run."

Exactly one year before this conversation, Tony had been completing the daily crossword. The clue for Eight Across was Relating to Government Revenue, Especially Taxes. Although he had to look it up, Tony eventually found the answer – Fiscal. At the time, Tony then proceeded to research various theories about fiscal policy and which policies would lead to a more healthy economy.

"Yes, I agree that we need to provide motivation for each citizen who is capable to work, but we still need substantial social service programs to protect the most vulnerable members of society. And to do that, obviously we need a healthy supply of tax revenue. I suppose I'm a moderate."

Although Tony had only an extremely vague understanding of the intricacies of economic policy, it still felt good to talk about it. After their intelligent lunchtime conversation, two milligrams of dopamine were released into both Tony, and his friend's, brains.

Tony also remembered the time he had been watching Jeopardy! and knew the answer to Final Jeopardy.

"William Bradford wrote that this document was partly inspired by the 'mutinous speeches' of some passengers," the famous host had said. The category was Early America.

The famous theme song played for exactly thirty seconds – one time through with horns and the next with strings. Immediately after the theme song ended, Tony exclaimed, "I know it! What is the Mayflower Compact!"

"Alright, let's go to our first contestant, Elizabeth," said the host.

The contestant's answer was revealed.

"The Declaration of Arms. Oohh, no, sorry, the correct answer is The Mayflower Compact.

Yes, Tony thought as he pumped his fist. "Thank you crossword."

"And how much did you wager? Ahhh forty-three hundred, leaving you with three thousand dollars."

"Ok, on to Reynold. And you answered...ah yes, you got it, The Mayflower Compact. And Reynold's wager was five thousand bringing him to thirteen thousand five hundred dollars."

"And finally Jacoby. You started in the lead with eleven thousand dollars. Did you get it right?...Yes, he did. And his wager – eleven thousand, bringing him all the way to twenty-two thousand dollars. Congratulations Jacoby you are our winner for today."

Dang, Tony thought, I could probably be a contestant.

The crossword had also been beneficial when Tony had been on a recent date. Tony and his date were finishing their dinner at a Chinese buffet when his date made an incorrect statement. After reading her fortune cookie, she said, "Oooo, it says, A new relationship will bring wealth and happiness. Wisdom all the way from China!"

"That must mean you'll be able to pick up the check, right?", she said with a smile.

Because Tony faithfully completed the morning crossword, he knew that it was actually a common misconception that fortune cookies originated from China. In fact, they were invented and brought to the United States by the Japanese.

"That's actually a common misconception," Tony said.

"Fortune cookies don't originate in China. In fact, they were invented and brought to the United States by the Japanese."

After Tony made this comment, one half of one milligram of dopamine was released into his brain. Combined with the three milligrams released during his delicious meal, that made three and a half milligrams altogether.

"Oh, ok," his date said.

Two weeks later, Tony's date still had not returned his calls.

She must think I'm too smart for her. She's probably just a little intimidated, he thought.

That's ok, Tony then thought. I think I need someone I can have an intelligent conversation with.

Yes, faithfully completing the morning crossword puzzle had helped Tony in many ways. Tony had no plans of ceasing to faithfully complete the morning crossword.

Tony then thought about that time he bought Pete an ice cream cone after he got dumped. Oh, Pete, Tony thought. If only she had liked that sit-com you keep talking about.

Tony also did not regret going for jogs, doing sit-ups, or moisturizing his skin. These activities had improved his appearance, each in their own way.

One thing Tony did not regret not doing was not going through with that surgery to lengthen his shins.

Earlier in his life, Tony had wanted to be taller. He thought to himself, I think I'd be happier if I was two inches taller. Yes, just two inches would be nice.

Tony then did some research and found a height enhancement surgeon located in a major city in the region. Tony made the trip to the city for a consultation.

"Yes doctor," Tony had said. "I'd like to explore lengthening my shins by two inches each. I've seen this operation on television and would like to pursue it. Do you think I would be a good candidate?"

"Why yes, Tony," said the doctor. "Yes, you are an excellent candidate. Your body has stopped growing, therefore the procedure should be safe and your results should be stable. We simply saw both of your shins all the way through and insert a titanium implant, which is then secured to your existing shin bone, on top and bottom. Quite a simple procedure, really. After several months, you will be healed and exactly two inches taller."

"Ok," Tony said. "Thank you doctor. I will think about this deeply and contact you if I would like to go through with the procedure."

Tony thought about the procedure for two weeks, and then decided to do it.

"Doctor," Tony said after he called the doctor back. "Let's do it."

The night before the procedure, Tony was nervous and excited. I'm about to be two inches taller, he thought as he fell asleep. But that night, Tony had a terrifying dream.

In his dream, Tony went under anesthesia.

"Ok," the doctor said. "We are going to put you out now Tony. When you awake, you will be exactly two inches taller. I want you to count backwards from ten."

"Ten, nine...", Tony said. Then Tony was out.

But soon after it appeared as if he had gone under, Tony realized that he was still conscious, even though it appeared to the doctor as if he was unconscious.

Oh no, Tony thought in his dream. I've heard of this before.

Just as Tony thought that thought, the doctor revved his bone-saw.

Oh no, Tony thought again. I will be able to feel everything. Why would I have ever wanted to be two inches taller? Please no! Don't do it!

Tony then awoke, his face flushed and drenched in sweat.

The next morning he called his doctor.

"I think I'm going to cancel," said Tony. "I'm having second thoughts."

"Ok," said the doctor. "If you ever want to be exactly two inches taller, just let me know."

Yes, Tony now thought. It was a good decision for me not to go through with the height enhancement. Too much of a risk.

Although, Tony then thought, it would be nice to be a bit taller.

Another incident then crossed Tony's mind, another incident in which he did not regret not doing something. In third grade, Tony had been working on the whale project with Ashley. As they were working and flirting in a third grade manner – throwing cotton balls at each other, teasing each other, and painting each other's hands, then saying "Whoops," pretending it was all an accident – their teacher was handing out Jolly Ranchers to groups who were finishing. When she reached Tony and Ashley, she said, "I love your project! I only have one Jolly Rancher left though. Who wants it?"

Tony thought, I do!

But he didn't say that thought. Instead he said, "I just had some candy." The teacher gave the candy to Ashley. Ashley then put the Jolly Rancher into her mouth and bit it between her upper and lower teeth, turning to smile at Tony.

Tony then thought about when he bought that chocolate Long John. You know what?, he thought. Although part of me regrets choosing the chocolate Long John, I don't regret not getting the banana. Yes, that was a good choice. I already had a Mountain Dew in my stomach. If I think the chocolate Long John, Skim Milk, and Mountain Dew feels bad in my stomach right now, just think of what would have happened if I had purchased the banana. I mean, I have had a banana and a soda together before and it made my insides feel like they were going to explode. Plus, you never know what you're getting with a banana. It could be over-ripe, or not ripe enough. If the banana is not ripe enough, it has an odd taste and it doesn't agree with my stomach, even on its own – even without a soda mixed with it. If I bought a not ripe enough banana, I might have decided one bite in that I didn't want it anymore. And that would have been a waste of money. If it was too ripe, I still could have eaten it. I probably just would have eaten around the too ripe parts as most bananas that are too ripe have sections that are still edible. But still, now you are throwing part of the banana away, and that is a waste of money.

Yes, Tony thought. Although the chocolate Long John may not have been the perfect choice, at least I didn't choose the banana. I'd be less happy at this very moment had I chosen the gas station banana. I don't regret not getting that.

Tony also did not regret not accepting an invite to a bowling party. Yes, I'm happy I didn't go, he now thought. I just don't like bowling. Not one bit.

As Tony now reflected on these non-regrets, his mind lingered on that ice cream cone he bought Pete and not saying that thought in his third grade class. Of all the things he did not regret doing or not doing, these were somehow more pure non-regrets, deeper non-regrets. They had weight. He didn't think about them as much, and, in fact, they almost never occupied his mind, but he did not regret them more. At least he did at that very moment.

Immediately after Tony had reflected on his non-regrets, The Escort lost consciousness. The machine would continue to operate until Tony reached his new town, but The Escort itself was gone. The Escort had passed into the next phase of its existence in the presence of the person it loved most.
10

SUNRISE

The sun began to rise.

Tony looked back on his life. He thought about the things, activities, and ways of thinking that he liked and how he kept having the things he liked to have, doing the things he liked to do, and thinking the ways he liked to think. He thought about the things, activities, and ways of thinking that he did not like and how he avoided those things, activities, and ways of thinking. Tony thought about his regrets, most of which were about the mistakes he made which caused him to be less happy than he otherwise could have been. He thought about his non-regrets, most of which were about the choices he made that had seemingly granted him greater well-being.

He thought about his mom, Kathy, who bought him many things and made him fresh, home baked cookies. He thought about Lacey. He thought about Mike.

At that very moment Tony realized that most of his actions in life had been performed in service to self. He couldn't be sure, and it's always hard to tell when it comes to motivations, but at least that's what it felt like. Yes, he had done some genuinely good things. He really had. But even when Tony had given himself fully to something, some person, outside of himself, self-interest seemed to be waiting to pounce, to absorb the act into its own perspective, to use the act for its own ends. It somehow seemed to taint everything. He wanted to have things. To use things, people, for his own enjoyment, his own self-conception. Life had become about making himself happy, and, therefore, he wasn't. Not deeply. Not truly.

Maybe that was too harsh. Everybody has self-interest, he thought. I'm no different. Is it wrong to look out for your own well-being? Could I even escape it if I wanted to? Maybe it wasn't self-interest he needed to reject, but his own attachment to it. His focus on it, his need to see it fulfilled, to get what he wanted. Or maybe he needed to transform his interest into some type of universal concern, conform his will to the Will of God perhaps. Tony wasn't sure. Tony wasn't sure about anything. But the way he was living didn't feel right.

Perhaps Tony could find a way of life in which self-gratification wasn't the ultimate end. A way in which he could lose himself, once and for all, in something greater.

Perhaps.

Tony hoped to do better in a new town.
For more, visit www.thecontemplativelife.org.
