>> Stephen: HEY, WELCOME BACK,
EVERYBODY!
YOU KNOW-- YOU KNOW, JON, THIS
IS SUCH A FUN SHOW TO DO.
YOU FOLKS AT HOME NEVER GET TO
SEE WHAT GOES ON HERE IN THE
THEATER EVERY NIGHT THAT ISN'T
BROADCAST.
LIKE THE HARDWORKING CREW
HERE ALL SCRAMBLING AROUND TO
MAKE THE SHOW.
OUR AMAZING BAND-- THIS AMAZING
BAND PLAYS THROUGH ALL THE
BRAKES.
AND AFTER EACH TAPING I CHOOSE
ONE LUCK I AUDIENCE MEMBER TO
CRADLE ME GENTLY WHILE WEEP.
BUT BEFORE THE SHOW, I COME OUT
AND TAKE QUESTIONS FROM THE
AUDIENCE, AND WE RECORD THAT FOR
YOUR ENJOYMENT.
♪ ♪ ♪
>> Stephen: YES, MA'AM, RIGHT
THERE.
I AM WELL.
THAT'S YOUR QUESTION.
 ( LAUGHTER )
GO AHEAD IS THAT STEPHEN?
"PH?"
>> NO.
>> Stephen: OKAY, WE'RE DONE.
 (  LAUGHTER  )
YES, SIR.
IT SHOULD MAKE YOU LAUGH FIRST.
THEN FIND ONE OTHER PERSON WHO
WILL LAUGH AT IT, AND THAT'S A
GOOD JOKE.
THEN YOU JUST HAVE TO KEEP
ADDING PEOPLE TO THAT ONE
PERSON, TILL EVENTUALLY THEY PUT
OW TV.
DO YOU WRITE JOKES?
>> Stephen: YOU DON'T.
WELL THEN, YOU'VE GOT TO START.
YOU'VE GOT TO START.
ANYBODY UP HERE?
YES.
>> WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE NICKNAME
FOR DONALD TRUMP?
>> Stephen: PRET PRT SPANKY.
YES, SIR, RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE
WITH THE ARGYLE.
IS THIS THE MOTHER OF YOUR CHILD
RIGHT NEXT TO YOU?
>> HELLO.
WHAT DID YOU SAY?
IT COULD HAPPEN TONIGHT?
LET'S PUT A TARP DOWN.
 ( LAUGHTER )
START BOILING WATER!
CUT SHEETS INTO STRIPS.
HOW CLOSE ARE YOU.
WHEN IS THE DUE DATE?
NEXT WEDNESDAY.
OR YEAH, OH, YEAH, THIS COULD
BE-- NO SUDDEN MOVES, ANYBODY.
HAVE YOU SEEN ANY MOVIES?
YOU'VE SEEN SOME MOVIES?
THAT'S A GOOD THING BECAUSE
YOU'RE NEVER GOING TO SEE THEM
AGAIN.
 ( LAUGHTER )
I'LL TELL YOU SOMETHING, OKAY.
I WAS NOT A BIG WORRIER BEFORE I
HAD A CHILD.
MY CHILD IS BORN EYE HAPPENED TO
HAVE BEEN UNEMPLOYED AT THE TIME
BECAUSE THE SHOW I WAS WORKING
ON HAD BEEN CANCELED AND THE
THEATER MY WIFE HAD BEEN WORKING
FOR HAD GONE OUT OF BUSINESS.
MY MOTHER CALLS ME UP AND SAYS,
"HOW ARE YOU?
HOW ARE YOU, HONEY?"
I SAID, "MOM, I DON'T HAVE A
JOB.
EVY DOESN'T HAVE A JOB.
I'VE GOT A BRAND NEW BABY.
AND I DON'T KNOW WHY, BUT I'M
NOT WORRIED."
LONG PAUSE.
AND SHE SAID, "I DON'T KNOW WHY
EITHER."
 (  LAUGHTER  )
AND I NEVER STOPPED WORRYING
FROM THAT MOMENT, IN THE
HEALTHIEST POSSIBLE WAY, YOU
WILL AGE RAPIDLY.
>> Stephen: WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
