

# ∂αмαgє∂ нєαятѕ

By: Amethyst Crow

© 2016, 2017 Amethyst Crow

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain other noncommercial uses permitted by copyright law.

Disclaimer: None of the characters, places, and events in this book is based off of real events, people or places.

# Αυтнσяѕ иσтє

Okay, so to those of you who actually know who I am, and don't just look at me as a random person who in the grand scheme of things, you really couldn't care less about, I just wanted to thank you all for being there for me. I know that this has been a long, hectic journey to get us to where we are today, and I appreciate the support.

I know I'm not exactly the best writer out there, but to anyone who actually gives a shit enough to read this, and take from it what I was trying to show, thank you.

This story started off being something that I was using to escape reality, and I did that all throughout the book, however, after finishing it and knowing that I worked so hard to create something that I really am passionate about... well that is the best thing I could ever ask for.

I'm grateful to anyone who reads this, and I'm grateful to my boyfriend, Azzie, who has stood by me through everything. He's literally the only thing that held me together enough to write this, and I'm proud to say that he is mine.

I'm adding this in because I feel like anyone who reads this will understand exactly what it feels like to be alive... to be human, and to make mistakes.

Please read this, and enjoy it as much as I enjoyed writing it.

~Ammee Crow

# ωєℓ¢σмє тσ му ωσяℓ∂

Єνєяуσиє нαѕ ∂αмαgє... I guess that's why I try my best not to judge everyone by the cover they put up, because they could be putting up a false façade, just because they aren't comfortable in their own skin... however there is something about Jasper Taylors that really gets _under my skin._ I don't know if it's the way he looks through you like you aren't there, the way he is denser than water, or the way he genuinely doesn't seem to notice that he is a douche to basically everyone.

Jasper Taylors is perfect in everyone's eyes. He's gorgeous, with his slightly tanned skin, dark brown eyes that look like melted chocolate, his jawline perfectly straight, and his body well defined, it's no secret he's everyone's wet dream. His height makes everyone look like an ant, and his attitude shows exactly what his height does... you are basically irrelevant to him.

I guess maybe that's why I don't like him... because he makes me feel irrelevant. Hell, he makes everyone feel irrelevant so I guess I'm not really special... but I literally hate him. I guess. Well... maybe not. I mean, I _try_ to hate him, he makes it really, _really_ hard not to hate him... but for some reason I honestly like him.

Maybe I'm some sick masochistic fuck or something.

It's not like he bullies me, because he doesn't. He just literally doesn't notice my existence at all... well... I guess that's like the rest of the school as well. I'm not bullied; I'm just a ghost almost, floating by unnoticed by everyone. I don't even really want to be noticed by anyone... so _why in the name of god do I want him to notice me?_ He's not special.

He's just... Jasper Taylors, anyone could be like him so easily. I sighed, slammed my locker door shut and leaned against it, looking out over the hallway. I saw Jasper, talking to a pretty girl, his hand inching dangerously close to her ass. I rolled my eyes and _tried_ but _failed_ to look pissed off, it was more of a hurt feeling that I was feeling, not pissed. Why do I care if Jasper flirts with everyone, anything, but me? Oh yeah, because I'm in love with him.

Because I used to hang out with him I know him deeper than this bullshit he's projecting for whatever reason, however I am not one hundred and fifty percent sure that if I did tell him I knew something was up that he wouldn't hang me by my underwear from the flagpole by the football field so I keep my mouth shut tight.

Compared to Jasper I'm a twig. I'm five foot three; I have medium length brown hair, and boring green eyes, and I'm physically about as big as a six year old girl. Whatever few muscles I have, have come from me playing soccer since I was ten. I am more of a nerd than a sports guy, and I'm really shy, so no one really knows I'm there a lot. No one teases me, or picks on me, I'm pretty sure that's because no one can actually see me. People commonly do mistake me for a girl, though, if they do notice me. Sometimes I really hate being small physically. If I was stronger, and manlier no one would ever think I was a girl. I'm pretty sure the only reason that I really care much about me physically being weak is that I cannot protect myself well enough because of it.

I sighed deeply, and started walking to my class when someone practically made me roadkill. "Hey!" I whined as my small body got thrown to the floor.

"Fuck! You're so tiny I didn't see you." The guy, Rhys said and I whined in frustration. He smiled a little hesitantly, and offered his hand to help me up. I looked at it as if waiting on him to draw it back and laugh a little, but he didn't, so I took his hand, and he lifted me up off my ass easily.

"I-I didn't look to see if a-anyone was in front of me, it was m-my fault." I said, hoping that he didn't get homicidal after I admitted that. He didn't, at all. His smiled never changed, and his eyes never left my body.

"I'm Rhys," he said softly, and I looked up at him confused. _Why is THE Rhys introducing himself to me?_ I stared at him for a few seconds, almost testing to see if this was real. "I don't remember seeing you around." He admitted a little shamefully. I didn't blame him for not noticing me, no one does... but it still hurts a little that I'm that invisible to everyone, even if they are just jocks, it still...bothers me that no one... notices me.

"We have like four classes together," I deadpanned. He sucked in a deep breath and looked at me like I was crazy. "Science, maths, physical education, and art." I said, and he kind of just let his mouth hang open.

"Oh... well, remind me of your name, then?" he asked me, almost sounding shy. I sighed, and face-palmed. Honestly, if I wasn't a little scared he was going to try to kick my ass, I'd of just walked away from this really uncomfortable situation.

"I'm Asher Vincent. We've been in school together since pre-school." I said. He stared me over, almost looking shocked that I was Asher Vincent. When I was younger I had friends. I was pretty popular, had a girlfriend and everything. After middle-school I knew I was definitely gay, so I withdrew myself until I merely became a shadow no one seemed to know, or see.

"I remember you, we used to play soccer together." He said and I nodded. He ran a hand over his face. "Everyone kind of thought you transferred schools." He mentioned, making me shrug.

"Popularity isn't something I was to subject myself to." I said drily. "It's basically a giant oppression. You can't think for yourself without someone judging you. You can't do anything for yourself without everyone knowing, and ultimately judging you. Living in the shadows is a lot better." I said carefully.

He scratched the back of his head thoughtfully. "Yeah, now that you mention it you do kind of look like Asher... just a little shorter than I remember." He said, and I flushed bright red and glared up at him.

"Not everyone grows like a weed, and has muscles galore." I mumbled uneasily. Is he teasing me? Or is he trying to be friends again? I really don't know how to take this conversation.

He laughed a little, "You never carried muscles well anyway," he said, and I got redder than I already am. "I think you look pretty adorable anyway, might just be me though." He said, and I fought the urge to smile. Rhys had always sent mixed signals. He flirted with guys, girls he didn't care. It wasn't like he went around fucking everyone he flirted with, like Jasper. "Have you talked to Jasper?" he asked and immediately I tensed up.

"No." I said roughly. It's not that I don't want to; it's just a lot harder to have a crush on someone you know than someone you don't really know. I'd rather just acknowledge from a distance, and have lots of sexy dreams about him rather than try to be friends with him while crushing on him. It'd be utterly horrible.

"He missed you, for a long time." Rhys mused and I shrugged indifferently. Why should I care? He's a complete jack-ass and all he does is flirt with everyone to the point it's unbearable. It's completely insane.

"If he missed me he would've made an effort to talk to me," I said, looking away from him and down the hall to Jasper. I wanted Jasper to miss me, but I had no idea how that'd ever happen. _Wow how hard did you hit your head, Asher?_

"No one really... knew you man. We didn't know what you looked like. An entire summer went by and you never showed your face. We all thought you transferred." He said again, and I sighed deeply and shrugged.

"I mean I'm not the only one that changed that summer, and you know it. You and Jasper have really changed, a lot. Jasper is a giant prick who flirts with anything with a pulse and you basically spend your life trying to fix his mistakes. That girl, Lena we used to hang out with too? She's the emo girl over in the corner. She's literally the only one of my so-called friends that noticed I was gone... and actually is nice to me. You know, it's a little hard being a shadow, honestly." I said, and he sighed deeply.

"We are shitty friends." He admitted. "I mean, we went through shit too, though. I mean, we both know what Jasper deals with at home, and I might spend ninety percent of my time trying to fix his mistakes, but I'm pretty sure you understand why." Rhys said, and I nodded.

"I understand why." I said, and turned away from him. "Nice talking to you, Rhys, I'm going to catch up with Lena. Talk to you later." I said and literally sprinted away from him. I heard him call out to me, but I was gone before he'd been able to catch me.

†————†————†————†————†————†————†————†

Being invisible sucks, but I think I've said that a couple times, though... I guess only a chameleon would understand. I feel like shit, mainly because of the talk with Rhys earlier, and all I want is to disappear. I've been staring at my ceiling for an hour now, no idea what to think or feel. I do this a lot.

I'm even alone when I'm home. My dad left about a year ago, he couldn't handle me being gay. At first he pretended I didn't exist, and then he hit me with a couple insults once in a while, after that he actually hit me. It put pressure on my mom. My mom works fourteen to seventeen hours a day, sometimes. I barely see her anymore. I'd grown used to being alone, but it really does suck.

My mom and dad were in love from what I could remember. They'd kissed a lot, hugged a lot, and treated me like a trophy. My mom was more of a lover, she'd coddle me, she'd love me, she'd give me the support that I never could get from my dad. My dad was the harder one. My dad spent hours upon hours trying to get me to be into football instead of such _feminine_ sports as soccer. He spent hours telling me that I need to be more of a man, more of a trophy son. I wanted to please him, but I'd never do it fully.

My mom tells me all the time that I need friends, and I know that logically, but I don't want to get close to anyone. I want someone to care about me, but then again... I'm terrified of it. My mom tells me that I should see a doctor because I'm depressed... but I don't want a doctor to dope me up to hell, and then I'd be messed up and depressed.

I know I'm pretty depressed. I know I'm pretty screwed up. I know it's basically my own fault too... and that hurts badly.

If I had of never told my dad I had a crush on a guy, he'd of never gotten mad, he'd of never started slowly disowning me. He would have never gotten abusive; he would still be my dad. He'd still be the way he was when I was younger. Sure, I was a trophy to him, but at least I was valuable to him. Now I'm merely a skeleton in the closet, and I miss him a lot. I wish I didn't though because it hurts me more and more every time I think about it.

I'm not bullied, but people act as though I'm invisible. Even my mom does it accidentally. Everyone seems to think that I'm not even there.

I don't have any siblings. I don't have anyone but Lena to talk to in school, out of school... its just loneliness all the time. I sit in loneliness and glare at the walls. I spend my time studying, listening to music, and practicing for soccer try-outs. That's basically my life. It's all I do.

I used to hang out with Rhys and Jasper... which is probably the reason that I have a crush on Jasper... because I know the guy beneath the asshole persona that he projects now.

I felt my phone vibrate and thought it was Lena so I checked the message, and was shocked at the twelve year old picture of Jasper popped up on my screen. _Is this still ur number?_ The message said, and I wanted to ignore it, I did... but I didn't.

_Who is this?_ I sent, even though I already knew exactly who is was. The picture had been in my phone since I was twelve. He'd been in my phone since I was twelve, and I've never changed it.

_Jasper, u?_ He asked, and I sighed, and tapped my thumbs carefully on my phone screen. How do I answer that?

_Asher_ I answered him back, hesitating before I sent the message. What is with these two? Why are they all the sudden trying to talk to me? This is bloody insane.

_I thought u left skool but Rhy said he saw u._ Jasper had entered, and I sighed, looking down at the message and I stressed over what to say next. What even should I respond with?

_I didn't, you guys just disappeared, I guess._ No lies there, so I sent that. I wasn't the only one that turned into a ghost. I disappeared after months of them pushing me away, treating me like an outcast for being different.

_So wut u up to?_ He sent to me, and I thought about what to say a good thirty seconds before replying.

_Just studying as per normal,_ I typed and pressed send.

_Wut subject?_ He sent to me.

_Math._ I typed, and then thought about how much of a dork that made me sound like, but I knew it didn't matter to me what he thought about me honestly.

_I am trying to study math 2, but its not workin cause I have no attention span._ He sent me, and I thought about that... Jasper has always had a short attention span. His dad was always mad about something Jasper had signed up for that he didn't want to finish.

_I remember._ I typed in simply.

_Will u meet up wit me sumwhere?_ He asked, and I stared at the message for a good two minutes before I replied.

_I guess..._ I typed, but I didn't know if I actually wanted to do it.

_Coo. Lets meet up at the arcade down on sixth, u kno the 1 we use 2 chill at._ He sent me, and I sighed and thought hard about it before replying.

_OK._ I responded.

I slipped my shoes and jacket on and grabbed my headphones and headed out the door, not sure if I regret this yet or not.

Walking down the street in the cold weather has always been my favourite hobby. I love the way the cool air bites at my skin, sending shivers down my spine. I love the way I seem to breathe so much easier in the cold, and how the scene around me seemed to always be buzzing with life. The cool air accompanied by the slight drizzle of rain and my headphones in, I couldn't be touched. Suddenly the song Welcome to my life by Simple plan came on.

_Do you ever feel like breaking down? Do you ever feel out of place?_ Every damn day of the week I feel like breaking down... _Like somehow you just don't belong? And no one understands you? Do you ever wanna run away?_ Yeah, a lot sadly.

_Do you lock yourself in your room? With the radio on turned up so loud, that no one hears you're screaming?_ I found myself getting lost in the song that's basically describing my life down to the crooked t and dotted I.

" _No, you don't know what it's like! When nothing feels all right... You don't know what it's like! To be like me!"_ I sang along quietly to myself, hoping that no one else heard me, not that I'd care anyway.

To be hurt

To feel lost

To be left out in the dark

To be kicked when you're down

To feel like you've been pushed around

To be on the edge of breaking down

And no one's there to save you

No, you don't know what it's like

Welcome to my life

I seriously wonder if this guy is inside of my head right now, because all of this song is making me feel some type of way. I'd never listened to this song much, and now I think I understand why. Because I don't want to acknowledge that my life has gotten to a point where I was so lonely that I could relate to a song about loneliness and desperation to be heard.

Do you wanna be somebody else?

Are you sick of feeling so left out?

Are you desperate to find something more

Before your life is over?

Are you stuck inside a world you hate?

Are you sick of everyone around?

With their big fake smiles and stupid lies

While deep inside you're bleeding

Yes, I want to be someone else. I'm so damn tired of being left out. Yes, I'm fucking desperate to find something more before my life is over! Yes, I hate my world. I hate my life. Yes, I hate everyone around me, they all act so fake... fuck their fake smiles, and their lies...

No, you don't know what it's like

When nothing feels all right

You don't know what it's like

To be like me

No one does understand me. They don't know what it is like to be me. They don't know what it's like to be broken. They don't know what it is like to have no one. They don't know what it's like to hate yourself. They don't know what it's like to be alone all the time.

To be hurt

To feel lost

To be left out in the dark

To be kicked when you're down

To feel like you've been pushed around

To be on the edge of breaking down

And no one's there to save you

No you don't know what it's like

Welcome to my life

Welcome to my fucking life. I am hurt. I am lost. I am left out in the dark. I'm kicked when I'm down. I've been pushed down. I'm on the edge of breaking down. I have no one to save me.

No one ever lied straight to your face

And no one ever stabbed you in the back

You might think I'm happy but I'm not gonna be okay

Everybody always gave you what you wanted

You never had to work it was always there

You don't know what it's like, what it's like

My dad lied to my face. My mom lied to my face. My dad stabbed me in the back. I'm not happy, I'm not going to be okay. God, I miss my dad. I even miss my mom because I hardly get to see her since she had to pick up a couple more shifts at the office.

To be hurt

To feel lost

To be left out in the dark

To be kicked when you're down

To feel like you've been pushed around

To be on the edge of breaking down

And no one's there to save you

No, you don't know what it's like (What it's like)

I miss my dad. I miss my mom. I miss Jasper and Rhys. I miss my old life, but yet... I don't. I hate the way I was... but I missed the friends. I miss not being alone. I miss when I could smile and it was real. I don't really smile anymore, but whenever I do, I try to let it be as real as possible.

To be hurt

To feel lost

To be left out in the dark

To be kicked when you're down

To feel like you've been pushed around

To be on the edge of breaking down

And no one's there to save you

No, you don't know what it's like

Welcome to my life

Welcome to my life

Welcome to my life

As I walked up to the arcade, I saw Jasper inside, standing by the pac-man machine looking bored. I sighed, and looked at him, examining him thoroughly in a way that I'd never done before. I sighed and walked to the door. This will either be the best decision I've ever made in my life or the worst... I don't know yet.

Hopefully though, I'll be able to at least have one friend...

# вяυιѕє∂ αи∂ ѕ¢αяяє∂

I hadn't slept well since I spent that night with Jasper. He'd been just like I remembered him, fun, playful... _happy_. I'd been just like I used to be too... playful, happy... _feminine._ Jasper didn't notice, and if he did he didn't comment on it but I knew somewhere deep inside myself I'd disappointed my father again.

I hated feeling like I messed up my family, but every day of my life it seems like I force myself to feel that way. A little part of me hates it, honestly. I know that even if I had of begged my dad to stay he wouldn't have, but I also know that my mom loves my dad a lot, and I feel responsible for them splitting up.

I sighed and looked around my room, wishing there was some way to make my dad come back.

" _Fucking faggot,"_ his voice echoed in my head, making my stomach twist uncomfortably. _"You ruined my marriage; you ruined your moms' life. Why are you still breathing, you piece of shit? You know exactly what you deserve."_ His voice sounded so real in my own head I had to glance around my room, just to make sure he wasn't really there.

I wrapped my arms around my legs and buried my face in my knees, trying to keep from crying. _"There you go faggot, cry like a little bitch!"_ I let out a loud sob, and bit my knuckles to keep from making more. _Crying makes you weak, Asher_. I told myself, struggling to keep from breaking down.

The longer it went the harder I tried, I tried to keep from crying, I tried to keep from being weak.

" _Aww look at little Asher, scared and broken!"_ my dad would've sneered if he was here. _"Weak and stupid, you'll never be good enough. Haven't I ever told you that you're an abomination? Oh yeah, you broke down like a little sissy. Maybe we should've named you Ashley instead, it'd fit your personality better!"_ My dad would've said to me, he'd said it many times before.

I didn't cry, at least I don't think I did. I tried not to as hard as I could. I fought it all back, knowing I can't let my mom hear me, I can't let my dad break me.

I tried to imagine my life if I was normal, but I couldn't seem to imagine anything more than what I'd already seen, and felt, what I'm desperate to feel. I don't want to be alone, but I know it's necessary. I _have_ to be strong; I have to be the son that my father wants me to be. He may not be here anymore, but he will be. He has to come back.

I sighed deeply and leaned my back against my bedroom walls, and stared forward. I have done this same thing a lot. What else really is there to do when you're constantly alone?

I hate silence. It's a simply terrible noise, to hear nothing and yet everything. Silence is horrible—it gives you time to think, and you know what is louder than any other noise you'll ever hear? The sound of your thoughts trying to drown you is loud—terribly loud. Silence lets your thoughts trap you; it lets you process the words, and gives you time to think about them deeper and deeper every time a thought enters your head.

I shouldn't be this weak but I am. Why am I so weak? Weak, pathetic, useless, abomination, freak of nature... all these things I've heard in the past from my father seemed to come to mind in this very moment.

Why have I put up with this my entire life? Why do I keep fighting when I obviously am better off dead? Oh yeah, because I'm too chicken shit to off myself. I sigh deeply, and lay down and buried my face in my pillow and screamed. I just screamed, every emotion... guilt, fear, loneliness, brokenness, terror, hurt, heartache... I have so much guilt, so much fear... I'm so lonely, and so broken.... I'm so scared that I'll never be good enough; I'm so scared that no one will ever love me. I am so hurt that my dad doesn't love me, I'm so hurt... about everything.

Somehow, after I started screaming, it trailed off into crying, and I didn't even bother trying to stop. I cried for hours until my mind was numb and my eyes were swollen.

After I got done crying, I fell asleep, thankful for the momentary release.

" _Hey there, short stuff," Jasper whispered in my ear, coming up behind me. I giggled as I felt him wrap his warm, big arms around my waist. "You look hot tonight." He whispered, and I giggled._

" _Thank you," I said shyly, and I felt his hand go down my back to slowly caress my butt, and I turned to look at him confused. "J-Jasper what are you d-doing?" I asked him, and he smirked, and grabbed my butt again, pulling me closer this time._

" _I'm just feeling your hot little arse, duh." He said confidently, and I gasped, blushing bright red and trying to keep my eyes off of him. His large hand came up and cupped my red cheek, and he leaned down and kissed me, making fireworks shoot up through my body._

His lips tenderly moved against my own, my mind entrapped with him, his tongue traced my lip softly, and I opened my mouth with a quiet moan, confused by the suddenness of his touches. His tongue entered my mouth, and immediately started fighting with my own, hoping to gain domination.

His hand left my cheek and came down to grip my hips, and he grinded against me, making me whine a little, and he pressed me against whatever was behind us, a wall I think, and started unzipping my jeans. He took me into his hands, my underwear and jeans still on me, and started to work me in time with our kisses.

I had never felt anything feel as good as that moment. I let out a loud, desperate moan, and pushed into his hand. He laughed, and moved his hand on me. I let out a desperate moan, wanting more.

" _You're hot, Asher. So hot, I really want to bury myself in your hot little arse. I bet you'd like that though, right?" he asked me, and it made me twitch in his hand as he moved his hand faster on me._

" _Y-yeah, I'd like it..." I admitted shyly, and he laughed loudly, and moved his hand a little faster. I whined, and gasped a little. "O-oh J-Jasper s-so good!" I whimpered out between stutters, and he put his mouth right by my ear, and I whined loudly as I felt his tongue tracing along the shell of my ear._

" _Come for me, Ash." He commanded, and I moaned as I felt my stomach tighten and my balls draw up and I felt myself release all over him, and myself. "Good little Ashley," he said, and I groaned quietly and started to pant._

" _I'm not Ashley." I said, and he started laughing, and when I pulled away from him I saw my dad standing there, looking pissed as hell._

" _Fucking faggot," he snapped at me._

I squealed, shooting up out of bed like I'd been hit with lightning. I panted heavily and wiped the sweat from my forehead then looked down at lap to see my pants wet in the front. I groaned, and threw myself back down on the bed, tears threatening to fall once more.

I wiped my eyes, and looked at the clock. It's only... midnight. That means six hours of nothing... great. I sighed and stood up, and got a pair of boxers and a huge t-shirt and went to my bathroom and stripped myself of the icky clothes, flinching when I had to remove my sticky underwear.

I don't wear boxers unless I'm sleeping so they are really stuck to me. I let out a whine, and looked down at my dirty underwear. I grunted as I turned on the water, and hopped in. The water went from freezing to warm, and I let it caress my entire body.

_That was a freaky dream,_ I thought as I washed my body off. I sighed and let the water run over my body until the water ran cold. I didn't even mind just standing there, keeping my mind off the dream.

I sighed and stepped out of the shower and looked at myself in the mirror as I started drying off. I stared at myself after I got done.

At least I'm a little cute. I could be ugly as hell, I guess. I closed my eyes and got dressed, keeping my eyes off the mirror. After I got done I sat down on my bed and pulled out my sketch pad and started drawing.

After I started drawing, it kept coming out of me. I have no idea how long I sat on my bed and just drew random things, hoping it comes out beautiful and whimsical. My hand ached a little as the pencil traced over the paper ever so gently, the round tip carefully edging around the corner of a flower. I detailed the little leaf, and smiled a little. After I did that I drew a beautiful stem leading up to the flower and the leaf. The next thing I drew was a guy sitting in the middle of the paper, his head down so his hair was covering his face and knees pulled all the way up to his chest. He looked broken... somewhat damaged...

A little like me.

I tried not to let the depressing thoughts bother me as I listened to the faint sound of the rain pitter-pattering outside of my window. I felt a little jealous of the rain, though it was hated by many, it was so free... so beautiful and tragic all at once. It's like everything around me is breaking down, and yet, even so, it's not. It's like the earth is crying, and it made me feel less alone to think that I'm not the only thing awake at nearly one in the morning crying like a little bitch. I couldn't help but flinch when I instinctively called myself a little bitch, because that meant no matter how hard I tried to tell myself my dad hadn't injured my mind he _actually succeed in making me a bloody basket case._

The fact that I'd let my dad win hurt me also, but I think it was mainly the feeling of utter disappointment and mistrust that really hurt me the most. No matter how hard I try to convince myself it _is_ okay to cry, I still fight myself as if I'm afraid that one tear would drown me.

I had a sneaking suspicion it actually would though, because of how weak I am.

My mom told me one time _"Asher, it's not your sexuality that defines your strengths... or your weaknesses. You are who you are and you do matter, you matter to me... to your Aunt Jean and Uncle Carmichael. You matter to papa, and you matter to mama, and that's all that really matters to me. You're my little boy, Ash... no matter what your father says, or does. You'll always be my little artist. The one I can see actually getting somewhere. I have no idea where you got that talent, Asher, but you have it. And soccer isn't a feminine sport just because there are girl soccer teams. Keep that in mind, baby. You'll always be_ _my little Asher._ _"_ my mom had made me cry by telling me that, but I still didn't believe it.

Hell, I tried to believe it. She told me it so much it was hard not to believe her, but it was harder to try to forget what my dad had said. What my dad had meant, and what he'd made me feel. It'd been months of that torture before my mom ever found out about it, and by the time she did the damage had been done.

My dad and her split up, and though I was glad to be away from the abuse, my dad's words still linger in my head telling me that I would be better off dead. A lot of times I considered that option, honestly. I don't want to die a lonely death, though. That's the only reason I haven't tried, or succeed. Because dying for nothing—just a few drunken words out of my father's mouth didn't seem to worthy, in all honesty. If I was going to kill myself I'd at least make it for a good reason, not that many reasons were considered good enough to jump the gun so to speak.

I knew what kind of emotional pain I'd put my mom through even though I've brought her a lot of pain and disappointment, I figure she'd rather have a disappointment child than a dead child, and I figured that it'd be a lot easier, and less stressful to die in a peaceful way.

I leaned back against the wall, clutching my sketchbook to my chest as if it'd ward away all of the bad thoughts. A lot of them plagued me, and I tried to fight them off but sometimes they win, and sometimes they really make me miss my oblivious thirteen year old personality and feelings than this serious, all too observant sixteen year old self.

I closed my eyes and thought about my life. _What would life be like if I didn't care about what my dad thought? I mean, I could honestly be a happy person with a happy life, and a bunch of friends. I could have a boyfriend, or a cat. Probably a cat because I like cats more than people, in all honesty, I'd rather have a cuddly cat and a bitchy guy. I could at least have friends if I didn't care what my dad thought about me, I bet. I think, at least. What would having just one friend hurt?_

If I could have just one friend I don't know who it'd be. I mean, Lena and I hang out at school but that's really as far as it goes. She'll text me once in a while to ask me if I'll help her with her homework. I don't really give my number out, and truthfully, I didn't really give her my number, she just remembered it when we transferred to high-school.

We actually are the only two of the group from middle-school that got forgotten, and neither of us seems to care. Lena has a group of friends and I have myself. She's not got a whole bunch of friends, but she's got a few.

She fit really well with them too, and I was happy she had that. She used to invite me to sit with them, but I turned her down every time. I think she got the point that I didn't want to sit down with her at lunch... not because I didn't like her but because of what happened over the summer, and even though she didn't know what it was, she knew that it was what caused me to separate from them. Even though I refused multiple times to tell her, I felt like she probably knew and just didn't want to say anything because she didn't want to lose me, or scare me away.

It bothered me that she was afraid I'd disappear too... but also, I'm at flight risk right now. I'm a ticking time bomb, just waiting to explode. On who, I don't know. Over what, there is no telling... but I do know that it isn't something that I want to chance, really.

I stood up off my bed, and walked over to my mirror and stared at myself a minute. _Look at yourself, faggot. Tell yourself what I tell you all the time._

I growled quietly, and stared at myself trying to ignore what my father had packed into my head. I turned my head to look at my walls and sighed deeply.

Ugly blue walls... oh how I wish that they were purple. Purple is so much more soothing.

My dad had made me paint my room a manly colour after I came out to him. He took my IPod, and he'd left me feeling alone. He cut me off for a long time from the real world, I had no idea what I was going to do. I felt so alone, so... _forgotten_. No one remembered me after that last day of school, and I guess... I was glad.

_You lie horribly._ I chided myself.

I don't understand why I insist on lying to myself when I know the truth isn't what I tell myself. The truth is _it's my fault_ my dad left. The truth is _I'm a faggot_ , and _he's ashamed of me_. The truth is _my dad doesn't want to be the father of an abomination._ The truth is, _he just doesn't want me_. He loves my mom, just not me... because I messed up. I'm messed up, I'm a fuck up. I'm his faggot son, that isn't worth anything to anyone.

I walked back over to my bed, and picked back up my sketchbook and continued drawing. I drew rain, falling down all around the lone boy in the middle; he looked oh-so-alone... like me.

I don't want to let myself care, I swear, but it's so hard to tell myself my dad is wrong. My mom can tell me he's wrong. My uncle and my aunt can tell me he's wrong... but he's not. My mom told me that she still loves me, but does she really? I can't imagine loving the thing that took your one true love away from you.

I feel so bad every time I see her, I feel so guilty. She tells me not to, but I still do. I am forced to feel this way... because it's who I am. I can't stop feeling bad about myself. I've been like this for so long... I'm just a major screw up. I just can't change, and I really... really wish I could change because I would.

I would change everything. I wouldn't be Asher Vincent—the faggot song that couldn't get his dads approval for anything. I would be Asher Vincent—football star and ladies' man.

I almost snorted at the last part. _Me, a ladies' man, hah,_ I thought dryly. It was almost enough to make me laugh. I could never see myself being a ladies' man like Jasper... likes Rhys. It just couldn't happen. I don't think I'm physically attractive to females any more than to males.

I'm just... _Asher Vincent._

The one person in this cold dead world that doesn't want to die, but doesn't want to live.

The one person in this shitty place that is literally _always_ on the outside, peering into the dark cold reality.

The one person that just doesn't fit _anywhere_ in this world where fitting in is important.

My mom told me that god doesn't put more on someone than they can bear, but _is god real?_ I'm pretty sure that everyone has asked that question before. I don't know if I believe in him. The god I learned about in Sunday school was accepting of all, so why was this god that my dad believes so strongly in unaccepting of gays? It's not very convincing.

However, I want to trust my parents, but that is very hard to do, you know? I don't trust my dad as much as I used to, for obvious reasons, but has my mom ever lied to me?

I didn't want to think that she had.

That would be a lot worse than my dad lying to me. A hell of a lot worse than that ever could've been. I sighed, and looked down at my hands. I hate being pathetic, and I am... so utterly pathetic. I don't like being so pathetically weak.

What is ever going to fix me? _You'll never be fixed, Asher._ That thought upset me, so I looked over at the clock. It's four in the morning, I guess I can go to bed now.

I let out a tired sigh and put the sketchbook down and lay back on my bed, slowly letting my body curl in on its self. Lying in the fatal position, I fell asleep again, and this time my body enveloped into a beautiful numb state of blackness... thank god, finally some peace.

# Тяαρρє∂ ιи иσѕтαℓσgια

I pushed the pancakes on my plate around with my fork, not even a little hungry. "Sweetheart, why don't you eat a little?" mom asked me, and I shrugged and kept pushing the food around on the plate, keeping quiet. "Asher... please?" mom asked, and I just sighed deeply and looked up at her.

She sighed and looked away from me, picking at her food as well. She kept glancing at me, looking hesitant to say something she felt she needed to say. I longed for the sanctuary of my bedroom, the only place the silence seemed to loom before me like a curse. Of course I hate the silence, but I hate seeing my mom upset worse. "Asher I've made you a psychologist appointment." Mom blurted out and I immediately tensed up.

"Why?" I asked dryly, and she motioned towards me.

"Your father has been gone nearly six months and you still can't smile. You thoroughly believe everything he said to you, or at least you think he's correct when he's not. You barely eat, you spend hours in your room and act like you aren't upset but I am your mother, I know you are upset. I miss my happy Asher, and I want him back. So you are going to go to this psychology appointment here in an hour," she said, checking her watch.

"Mom we don't have the money for some over-funded lady who's going to pick inside my brain and give me expensive drugs that we can't afford." I said desperately.

"Nonsense, eat or go get ready to go." Mom commanded, and I sighed deeply and stood up from the table leaving my pancakes sitting on the table and stormed off to my room.

I walked over to my closet and picked out my black skinny jeans, black counter-strike zombies t-shirt and my black vans. I hate that I can't wear just regular jeans, because I'm so thin. My mom told me that if I was going to wear baggier jeans I would have to deal with the legs of them being huge, and basically swallowing me whole. I reluctantly agreed to let her buy me the skinny-jeans. Even though they hug my body in pretty nice ways that make me look good, they also make me look feminine.

Femininity is a curse for me.

I sighed and pulled them on, looking at my arse in the mirror. The jeans hugged the curve of my butt, making it look round and feminine. _Fricking girly ass body_ , I internally complained. The shirt fits me well enough to not be tight, so it doesn't show off my curves... thank god. I slipped my shoes on and tied them, sighing when I looked in the mirror. I look good, I guess.

_Ugh, these zombies are so ugly_ , I thought as I stared at the shirt. Mom had the same complaint every time I wore it, but I just always roll my eyes and mumble _"well I think they are cool!"_ even though they are really freaky looking. Apparently mom doesn't think so though because she rolls her eyes at me and continues complaining.

I walked out of my room and pointedly ignored my mom as she blabbered about how good of a doctor this lady is. "Asher, why don't you just cooperate? Please? Talk to this lady; see if she can help you! All I want is for you to talk to her one time and if you completely hate her you'll never have to see her again. Just please, baby, try to get better! I want you to be happy again." She said in a voice that caught my attention.

"I'll talk to her but only this once! If I don't like her you better keep up your end of the deal though!" I said, caving into her desires. If I do it, then it'll make her happy. If it makes her happy, I might as well be happy as well. I'd rather her be happy than me, anyway.

"I promise I will. Thank you so much, Asher. I love you, sweetie." She said, and I forced a smile and nodded, doing as she told me. I sighed deeply as she led me out of the house and to her car. I got in the passenger's seat and watched the trees scroll past the car as she drove us to the psychologist's office.

When we finally pulled in, nerves began to eat on me. _What if this lady is completely bat shit crazy? Asher, why are you asking that? There is a reason she's a psychologist and you are the one seeing her. She's obviously the only sane one in the joint besides the workers and the ones that are just driving._

I let out a shaky breath and followed my mom into the building. The building, or rather, the house was pretty nice. A one story house made fully out of brick, the yard is clean, and a row of rose bushes line the walkway to the door.

"Go sit over there and wait on me, darling." She commands, and I nod and do as she commanded, and go sit in the corner. I look over two seats away and see a guy with blonde hair looking bored while sitting there, doing nothing. He was staring straight at me, and it made me turn red from embarrassment. He smirked, and stood, walking over to me, and sitting right beside me.

"Hey." He said, looking over me obviously, and I blushed, and looked up at him.

"Hi." I said, and he nodded.

"You're a really pretty boy." He mused, and I gasped and blushed brightly, startled by his honesty. How is someone even that honest? It's scary how he just stated exactly what he thought, no fear of me freaking out.

"U-uh," I managed to get out, looking into his eyes with an embarrassingly stupid look on my face.

"You obviously don't get flirted with enough," he teased, and I buried my face in my hands and mumbled out a no. "My name is Michael, but people normally call me Mike," he said, and I smiled bashfully and nodded.

"I'm A-Asher." I stutter out, and he smiles leans back in his seat, and I take some time to appreciate how pretty _he_ is.

His hair is blonde, his cheekbones strong, and sharp like glass. His skin is pale, and his eyes have dark rings around them, but somehow he made them work and not look tacky. He was slightly more muscular than I'd at first taken into account, but he was pretty nonetheless. His eyes are beautifully deep and passionate, with blue surrounding the dark pupil. One of them were slightly lighter than the other, and it was weird, but slightly enchanting.

"Well Asher, you are by far the prettiest boy I've ever laid my eyes on," he said to me, and I blushed, looking down at my feet shyly. "You look really familiar. Where do I know you from?" he asked.

"I dunno, I don't really recognize you, but then again..." I said, and he smirked a little.

"Where do you go to school?" he asked me, and I looked over at him shyly.

"I go to City, you?" I asked him, and he looked pleased with that.

"I do too. What year?" he asked, and I smiled a little bit.

"Junior, what about you?" I asked, and he smirked.

"Senior." He said. I sighed sadly. I was hoping that he'd be in my age group. He'll never really want to hang out if he is older than me. _Geez Ash, like you even want to hang out with him. You're a ghost remember?_ I chided myself, and sighed again. "You look so sad..." he mumbled, and I blushed brightly, looking down at my hands.

"Is that so bad?" I asked him, and he shrugged.

"I've seen worse emotions, like anger." He admitted, and I smiled a little, biting my lip to keep it from showing. "Do you want to hang out when you get out of here? I bet my friend Jake will be out first, because he's been in nearly an hour, but we can wait on you to get out, if you'd like. We normally go to _Sweet Treats_ after his appointment here." He said, and I blushed and glanced at my mom.

"I have to ask my mom if that's okay, but if you're sure he won't mind..." I trailed off shyly, and he smiled really big.

"Alright, let me know before you go see Mrs. Samantha. She's bloody awesome, before you even go in," he said, and I bit my lip nervously.

"How'd you know I've never been here before?" I asked him.

"I've been coming here since I was fourteen," he said, "I've never seen someone as beautiful, but sad as you." he said.

"Why are you in therapy?" I asked him, and he smiled a little.

"Lots of damage up here," he said, pointing to his head and tapping a little. "We can go into my detailed mind later on, you know, after I've bought you some ice-cream." He said, and I smiled a little. "What about you?" he asked me, and I shrugged.

"My mom thinks I'm depressed," I said dryly.

"Are you?" he asked me easily.

"Am I what?" I asked him, looking confused.

"Depressed," he said.

I shrugged, and looked up at him. "Yeah, I think I am." I said, and smiled a little sadly.

"Most beautiful people are," he murmured and I shyly looked over at him.

"Are you?" I asked him quietly.

"Am I what?" he asked me, and I shrugged.

"Depressed," I mumbled.

"Probably." He said, and I sighed, thinking.

"Depression isn't going to bury me," I looked over at him as he spoke, "is it going to bury you?"

"No, I don't think it is," I said, and he smiled a little, and looked over at me.

"I hope it doesn't, Asher." He said, and I smiled shyly at him.

My mom came over, and sat next to me. "Hey sweetie, who's your friend?" she asked, and I blushed and looked at him.

"I'm Michael," he said, and she nodded. "I was wondering if Asher could go get some Ice-cream after he gets done." Mike said, and my mom eyed him carefully.

"And how old are you?" she asked.

"Nineteen," he said, and my mom bit her lip.

"And you are not going to rape him?" she asked and I gasped, and covered my face.

"I wouldn't touch him unless he asked me to." He said.

"Are you a pervert?" she asked, and he laughed a little.

"What nineteen year old male isn't a pervert?" he asked.

"Oh. I suppose your right." Mom said, and I wanted to die on the spot. "You aren't going to offer him drugs, cigarettes, or alcohol?" she asked, and I face-palmed.

"Mom I don't do any of that-!" I tried to protest, but she blew me off immediately.

"No, I smoke, but I wouldn't offer him anything." he said, and she chewed her lip thoughtfully.

"Asher you have your phone?" she said finally, and I nodded.

"Yes mom, I never leave it home." I said, and she nodded.

"Then he can go but I have to stay until the end of the appointment, because Samantha wants to talk to us together at the end." She said.

"I know, I've been coming here since I was fourteen." He said, and she looked at him with a little smile.

"Don't you be worrying me, boy." She said, and he smiled in a way that was somewhat bashful, but somewhat cocky as well.

"I wouldn't dream of it, ma'am." He said, and I smiled a little, grateful for how nice he is to my mom even though she embarrasses me, I still love her, and would hate for someone to be rude to her.

"Asher Vincent?" the receptionist called from the open door, and I sighed nervously and got up, and walked over to her. I glanced at my mom, and sighed. She's lucky I love her, because I wouldn't be doing this otherwise. I followed the lady back to the office of Mrs. Samantha Hines. According to the wall, she's beyond qualified for any kind of mental medical treatment, and she's good at it all apparently.

The receptionist pushed open a door, and I walked in, listening to the receptionist closing the door behind me. "Hello Mr. Vincent, please come on in and take a seat." She said, and I did as I was asked, carefully walking over to the couch and sitting down on it. "I am Samantha Hines, and I will be your Psychologist." She said, and smiled warmly at me.

"Please call me Asher, not Mr. Vincent." I said, and she nodded.

"Alright Asher, so here's what we are gonna do." She said, "I'm going to tell you a little about me, so that when we start talking about you, it won't make you feel like you are talking to a tape recorder." She said, and I nodded. "I'm Samantha; I graduated college seven years ago, with my bachelor's degree in psychology, however when I was your age I used to dance around my room in a prom dress pretending I was Alanis Morsette." She said, which made me chuckle dryly. "I grew up in Leeds, went to college in Manchester, and moved here after I graduated because I wanted a change of scenery." She said. "I have a boyfriend of two years, and a daughter that's six months old." She said. "I'm pretty much crazier than you, so you'll be plenty comfortable around me, I hope." She said. "Now, introduce yourself." She told me.

"Hi Samantha, I'm Asher," I said shyly. "I'm pretty much a ghost. No one really knows I'm there, and I don't really mind it." I said, and she looked at me.

"Tell me about your thoughts. Don't just leave it at that, Asher." She said, and I sighed.

"I hate being alone," I admitted. "I hate being alone... and yet; being in the presence of someone makes me nervous." I said.

"Why do you hate being alone, lets conquer that first." She said, and I thought about it.

"Well, I hate silence. Being alone leaves room for silence to enter and when the silence comes, my thoughts start racing, and that's when I get bad... when my thoughts race." I said.

"What do you mean by bad? What kind of thoughts are they?" she asked me, and I flinched a little.

"I mean, when I start thinking that's when I get really emotional. I try my best to avoid anything that makes me look or feel weak, because of my dad. They are.... just really bad, negative thoughts I can't get out of my head." I said, and she poked her cheek with her tongue thoughtfully.

"Tell me about your dad." she said, and I sighed.

"I love my dad, I really miss him," I admitted.

"Why is that a bad thing?" she asked me.

"Well, my dad left... and it was all my fault." I admitted mournfully.

"Why did you cause your father to leave?" she asked.

"I c-came out to my parents as gay, right before high-school," I said, and she nodded, paying really close attention to what I said. "My mom wasn't really shocked by it, she didn't think badly of me, and she still loves me... but my dad was shocked... and he doesn't love me anymore." I said.

"What happened with him?" she asked, and I blushed a little.

"He started being mean to me, only when mom wasn't around. When she wasn't around he'd call me Ashley, and he'd call me a fag, a lot. He told me that playing soccer was too feminine, and he'd make fun of me if I wore anything that he didn't think was men's clothes. If I brought a friend over, he'd come by my room after they left and would ask me if I'd been sleeping with them." I said, and she bit her lip a little looking thoughtful. "At first, my mom didn't know anything about it, and I didn't mind that because at least she wasn't worried about me... but I mean it was painful. After the emotional abuse came the physical. He'd hit me, just every once in a while. He'd call me weak, useless, a faggot, and he'd call me pathetic. If I started crying when he'd hit me, or talk to me he'd call me a weak little brat. He blames me for mom and him splitting up, and he calls me an abomination." I told her.

"Asher, are you happy?" she asked me, and I thought for a long time.

"Honestly? No." I said, and she nodded.

"Do you believe what your dad said is true?" she asked, and I nodded.

"Yeah, I do." I admitted.

"Do you want to be okay?" she asked me, and I nodded.

"I want to be happy again, I just don't know how." I said.

"How often do you sleep?" she asked.

"Not very often, every night, but I normally wake up around twelve or one, after having some scary or freaky dream and won't be able to get back to sleep for a long time." I said.

"Are you at risk of hurting yourself, or others?" she asked, and I shook my head.

"No ma'am. I'm not going to hurt anyone." I said.

"But yourself?" she asked, and I nodded. "Do you smoke, drink or do any other illegal drugs?" she asked.

"No, I'm clean and clear and under control." I said, and she smiled.

"How often do you go out with friends?" she asked.

"I don't really have many. Or any." I said, and she nodded.

"How often do you go to social events at school—without friends?" She said, and I shrugged.

"I don't go to many." I admitted.

"Are you afraid your mom is going to abandon you like your father?" she asked me.

"Yes." I said.

"What's your favourite song?" she asked.

"Numb by Linkin Park," I said, and she smiled.

"I know that one. Relate to it well?" she asked.

"Yeah." I admitted.

"Who's steps are you trying to walk in?" she asked me, and I sighed deeply, and glanced away from her.

"My dad's," I admitted sheepishly.

"Why are you trying to walk in your father's footsteps? What brings you to that conclusion?" she asked me, and I sighed.

"Well, my dad was... my dad. Aren't I supposed to want to walk in his footsteps? Aren't I supposed to want to make him proud?" I asked her.

"Listen Asher, I am a very different type of psychologist. I don't hold back my opinions, and I'm going to be blunt with you here. Please don't get angry, but listen to my words. Not everyone wants to be like their parents, and honestly, from what I have heard about your father, he is not the parent to be looking up to." She said, and I nodded thoughtfully. _Is she right?_ "On the same hand, your father is the reason that you are here today, in this office... because of his physical and mental abuse." She said, and I nodded. "Have you ever seen a counsellor or therapist before?" she asked and I shook my head no.

"No ma'am." I said.

"Alright, do you want to succeed in life?" she asked me.

"Yes, I want to get married and have a baby." I admitted shyly.

"How often do you eat?" she asked me.

"Sometimes once a day," I said, shamefully.

"And when it's not those sometimes?" she asked, and I sighed.

"Not at all." I answered.

"Do you want to starve yourself?" she asked me.

"No," I admitted.

"Then why do you do it?" she asked.

"Because I don't feel like I deserve to eat." I admitted.

"Why?" she asked.

"Because I'm the reason my dad left. Because I'm the reason my mom has to double up shifts. Because I'm the reason my mom's unhappy." I said.

"Why do you feel like your father left because of you?" she asked me.

"Well, he told me that I was. He said that he couldn't think of supporting my lifestyle, and he left." I said.

"Why do you think you caused your mom to double up shifts?" she asked me.

"Without my dad in the picture she has to pay for all the bills and everything, so she has to pick up extra shifts because of me..." I said.

"Why do you feel like your mother is unhappy because of you?" she asked me, and I shrugged.

"Because she doesn't smile anymore." I said.

"Do you think that your mother doesn't smile anymore because of your dad leaving, or because you don't smile anymore?" she asked me, and I shrugged.

"I don't know." I answered honestly.

"It's been a little over an hour, and that means that we have to start to wrap it up, but I'm going to give you some things to work on before you go." She said.

"Alright," I said, and looked at her expectantly.

"I want you to set three goals, one for next week, which is when you'll see me again, one for next month, and one for the month after the next." She said.

"Okay, how do I do that?" I asked.

"Tell me your short term goal; what do you want it to be? What changes would you like to see in yourself, before the end of next week?" she asked me.

"I-I would like to be more outspoken." I said quietly.

"Do you ever talk in class? Like answer questions when the teacher asks or anything?" she asked me, and I shook my head no. "Then start with that. Just raise your hand, see if you can answer the question without freezing up." She said.

"Alright, I can try." I said.

"Your semi-short term goal," she said. "What would you like to work on, besides your shyness." She asked.

"I would like to be more comfortable with who I am." I admitted.

"Okay, so your semi-short is confidence. How do you plan to work on this?" she asked.

"I plan to slowly but surely start being more positive. A little positivity can go a long way, according to my uncle." I said.

"He's a smart man, your uncle. That's a good idea, anything else?" she asked, and I nodded.

"I plan to stop being as shy like I am, a little shyness is okay, but not a lot." I said. "I also plan on making a couple friends, because I don't really have any." I said.

"What about your semi-long term goal?" she asked me as she wrote down what I said.

"I would like to start to try to stop believing my dad... you know, about what he says." I said, and she nodded.

"And how do you plan on achieving that?" she asked me, and I shrugged.

"I don't really know, but it's something I want to do before I graduate high-school." I said, and she nodded understandingly.

"All of these are good short term goals, and a long term ones as well. You are going to have a bright future, Asher. I can tell, now lets go get your mom so I can give her your diagnosis." She said.

"Wait—you aren't going to give me a bunch of medication?" I asked confused, and she looked at me confused.

"No, why ever would I? I'm very picky about giving out medicine; we might end up talking about something for your depression, but that will be after I make sure that there is no mental way to fix it." She said, and I nodded.

"T-thank you, Mrs. Samantha." I said, flushing a little.

She pressed a button and spoke into her phone that she needed Asher Vincent's mom into the back. A few minutes later my mom appeared into the room looking nervous. She looks how I feel.

"Hello Mrs. Vincent, I wanted to get with you and touch bases on what I've decided that Asher has." Samantha said, and I watched her carefully a little nervous.

"Alright, that sounds lovely." My mom said, her voice a little weak.

"Asher has severe depression and anxiety. I've also noticed he is very shy." She said, and I flushed, looking down at my feet embarrassedly. I don't like having these people talking about me at all.

"Are you going to prescribe him something for the depression and anxiety?" my mom asked.

"I considered it, but considering that there is also a lot of mental damage done by the father, I am afraid putting him on medicine could make it worse. His depression could be stemming from how lowly his father talked about him, and how he was taught to think. Until I know for sure that this is a chronic illness that has to have medication to treat, there really isn't any need." She said, and I sighed out in relief. I really didn't want to have any medicine.

"Alright, so what is our next step?" my mom asked, and I looked over at her shyly.

"I want to come back next week and talk to Mrs. Samantha." I said, and she smiled largely, and nodded happily.

"Alright, see you next week, same time, same day, and darling, work on those goals we set you." she said, and I smiled and nodded as my mom stood up and shook her hand. I shook her hand to, and then we made our way out.

As soon as I saw Mike, and some other guy sitting in the corner where I'd left him, I felt a little bubble of excitement in my tummy. I've never had someone really want to hang out with me before, and it was exciting. When he looked up and saw me, he immediately started smiling and waved. I waved back, and he stood up, the other guy followed him over to me and my mom.

"Are you ready?" he asked, and I glanced at my mom who nodded encouragingly.

"Yeah, I'm ready," I said shyly. He smiled, and motioned for me to follow him, so I did. _Don't be so nervous, Ash... he's just going to get you some ice-cream..._ I smiled a little bit forcefully, and proceeded, hoping not to seem too weird.

Am I really going to do this?

Yes, I am.

# ισ∂ιиє

"So you go to city school?" Jake asked me, and I nodded, poking around in my ice-cream. "Christ, I've never seen you around. You say you're a junior?" he asked, and I nodded again. "I have a couple junior classes I'm taking and I've never seen you." he said slowly and I shrugged.

"No one normally does, anyway." I said, and took a bite of my ice-cream. "I'm basically as non-existent as the seat covers in a bathroom at a truck-stop." I said boredly.

"I mean, you're an adorable little fucker," Mike said. "I've no idea how I managed to miss you. It's almost annoying." He said, and I blushed a little, looking down at my feet shyly.

"I'm just really shy," I said, and he smiled at me.

"Shy is okay, because it's fucking hot." He said at last, and I found myself red, and biting my lip to keep from smiling.

"Are you going to start fucking on the table or something?" Jake asked us, and I blushed deeper, looking away.

"No dumbass," Mike said, snorting. "Maybe you'd like it though. Ain't no wonder your kinky ass is in therapy." Mike teased, and Jake laughed, nodding a little.

"Of course," he said. "I get front row seats the first time you guys bang, mmkay?" Jake asked, and I face-palmed and kept my eyes on my ice-cream.

"As if," Mike exclaimed, throwing his hands in the air.

"Come on, help a brother out!" Jake whined.

"NO!" Mike exclaimed.

"Yes!" Jake said.

"No!" Mike snapped.

"Yes!" Jake said, smirking calmly. Mike however, his eye was twitching a little, as he struggled to keep his calm.

"No." Mike said deathly low.

"Mm-hmm," Jake hummed, and Mike growled.

"Nope," Mike said, looking pissed off.

"Yep, I'm going to watch you pound into his tight, hot little arse." Jake said, obviously enjoying pissing Mike off a lot. Mike however didn't look happy, or like he was enjoying himself.

"You aren't gonna see his ass!" Mike bite back angrily, pouting a little. I accidentally let a quiet laugh out, and covered my mouth immediately, feeling embarrassed. "Awwwwwwe!" Mike groaned loudly, and I blushed, burying my face in my hands awkwardly.

"Aw, look at Asher! He's blushing so bad!" Jake teased, and I bit my lip and glanced up at him.

In his own right, Jake is a very attractive male. His hair is a mess on top of his head, and he doesn't mind it much. His smile is pretty nice, but he normally smirks all the time. He has a really strong jawline, and dark hair to contrast with his light skin. He's a really good guy, a little weird, but good nonetheless.

"I am not!" I protested, blushing deeper.

"Oh, okay suuuure." Jake teased, and I smiled a little.

"So how'd you guys meet?" I asked casually.

"My dad sent me to summer camp, and his dad did too." Mike said, and smirked a little. "We somehow got paired together as partners on every single assignment, and we shared a room." Mike said. "I walked into the cabin and saw this little nerdy guy sitting on his bed completely naked except for some really long socks—and I mean they were like huge around his thighs..." Mike teased easily and Jake laughed loudly.

"They were your socks. It's not my fault you were fat as a kid." Jake said, and Mike chortled.

"You're funny, Rumley." Mike said.

"At least my last name isn't Summers. You are the exact opposite of summer, bro. More like hurricane season in Tampa, Florida." Jake said, and Mike laughed loudly.

"Bro, you couldn't have a more fitting name either!" Mike said, and Jake nodded.

"Asher has a cool name though. Asher Vincent! Two perfectly good names, are you going to name one of your brats Vincent so that they are VV?" Jake asked, and I shrugged.

"Maybe, but I doubt if I ever have kids they'd use my surname." I said, and he shrugged.

"Tell me, Asher... you seem completely normal, so why the hell are you in that psycho bitches psychology office?" he asked, and I looked down and bit my lip.

"I didn't really want to go to see anyone, but my mom made me." I admitted. "I have really bad depression and anxiety." I whispered, and Jake nodded.

"I'm schizophrenic, apparently." Jake said, and I looked at him and tried to see anything that would point to that kind of mental instability, but it just wasn't present. "I don't look like it, I know." He said with a wink. "I'm what all girls want when they say that psychotic guys are _so hawt!_ " Jake said sarcastically, imitating a blonde girl obnoxiously.

"Unlike that freak, I'm just depressed and 'full of teenage angst!'" Mike said in the peppiest voice he could manage to squeeze out of his mouth sarcastically.

"Looks like you two lovebirds have more in common than just bashful glances. Can I watch you two masturbate? I've never watched up close and personal." Jake asked, and I giggled quietly.

"I don't uh touch myself." I admitted shyly.

"YOU DON'T MASTURBATE?!" Jake exclaimed loudly, and I gasped and blushed deeply.

"No! It never made sense to me." I said indifferently.

"So getting your rocks off doesn't make sense?" Jake asked stupidly.

"No, I just don't feel the need to get myself sweaty and dirty when I can go to sleep to do the same basic thing, and _sleep_ while doing it." I said, and he looked at me like I was crazy. I sighed deeply, and face-palmed.

"Ok but..." he started, and I sighed deeply. "But cumming is the best feeling ever... you want freedom? Cum yourself to death." He said, and I rolled my eyes.

"I've came before, I just don't masturbate." I said, and his eye twitched a little.

"So wait you've had sex then?" he asked, and I blushed crimson red, and shook my head no.

"NO!" I cried, and covered my face embarrassedly.

"So anyway, you seriously have no friends?" Mike asked me, and I shrugged a little.

"Define friends," I said, and he looked at me cautiously.

"People you spend time with, and you talk to about everything, and you love to be around." He defined, and I shook my head no.

"I used to have a lot of friends, but it was a struggle to be around them, honestly. I spent a lot of my time quietly watching, and acting it all out. I don't really know if they were ever truly my friends or not. I miss a couple of them," I said softly, Rhys and Jasper popping into my head, "but it just wasn't something that was meant to be." I said and Mike nodded.

"So why are you in therapy?" Mike asked.

"Well, my dad walked out on my mom and I and I felt like I was really responsible." I said hesitantly.

"Aw little one," Mike said softly. "My dad left too. He said he couldn't stand the thought of me being able to get an erection for boys and girls. So he left, and my mom wasn't surprised apparently he'd been seeing another woman, and hadn't wanted to stay anyway." He said.

"Oh, that's startlingly close to my story." I said, "My dad used to beat me, and verbally abuse me, because of my sexuality. He made me thoroughly believe it all, and now he's gone and I don't even feel like I deserve to eat." I admitted softly.

"Well, it's okay now, because crazy or not you've got us now. We won't let you get lonely," Jake said and I smiled a little bit shyly.

"So what do you guys want to do?" I asked shyly.

"Let's go for a ride." Mike said, and I blushed a little nervously.

"Alright..." I said shyly, nervously.

"Actually man, I have a better idea. Let's go back to my place, because I just got some new CD's and fairy lights." Jake said, and I shrugged.

"If that's okay with Asher I don't care." Mike said, and I shrugged again.

"Alright, it's settled." Jake said, and led us out to Mike's car. I smiled as Mike held his hand out to help me up into the car. When I took his hand, a wave of chills made its way up my spine, leaving me with Goosebumps.

"Asher?" An eerily familiar voice called, and I turned around to see Jasper and Rhys looking at me shocked. I blushed, and jerked my hand away from Mike like he'd burned me.

"Ash? What's wrong?" Mike asked as he turned around. Rhys and Jasper stood there, looking pissed off and Mike looked confused as hell.

"What are you doing with _them_?" Jasper bit out, and I sighed.

"J-just hanging o-out..." I said softly, nerves wracking my body.

"With the schools freaks?!" he exclaimed angrily.

"I-I d-don't know w-what you mean...?" I stuttered out.

"These freaks go to our school!" he exclaimed. "The black haired one is the one that forced Melonie to have sex with him!"

"Hey!" Jake shouted, looking pissed as hell, "I did nothing of that sort!"

"Melonie says different!" Jasper bit out sarcastically.

"Then she's a liar—not that I'm surprised, because she told me to be careful she's a virgin and her pussy was looser than a bucket." Jake said sarcastically.

"Maybe your dick is really small." Jasper snapped.

"My dick would make your little pecker look like a baby." Jake said happily.

"S-so?" I challenged him when I finally started breathing again.

"So what," Jasper commented. "You gonna just trade us for two freaks? For two physios' that is in therapy?"

"B-but..." I tried to say and nothing would form.

"Leave him alone," Mike snapped angrily when Jasper grabbed my arm roughly.

"He was my friend first!" Jasper said.

"He's my friend now so _let go!"_ Mike yelled.

"M-my a-arm h-hurts." I whimpered out, and Jasper immediately let go of me.

"I'm so sorry, Asher... look I won't do it..." Jasper apologised.

"I-I just want to go..." I said softly, and he nodded, shooting daggers at Mike and Jake.

"Go on, I'll text you later." He said emotionless.

"Alright bye..." I said softly and emotionlessly, and he nodded.

Mike looked ready to kill him, and Jake just looked majorly amused, which was kind of creepy, but I didn't want to make him feel weird so I didn't comment.

"M-mike lets go..." I said shyly, and he nodded, his left eye twitched a little, but his big hands carefully picked me up and sat me down in the seat. I blushed brightly in embarrassment.

"Do you know them?!" Jake exclaimed, and I shrugged.

"I-I used t-to h-hang out w-with t-them, a-and a-after m-middle s-school I d-disap-ppeared so t-to s-speak, a-and I-I h-hadn't s-spoken t-to t-them." I said, and he looked a little pissed off.

"Well then why did they freak out over us?!" Mike snapped. I shrugged nervously.

"I-I d-don't k-know." I managed to get out.

Mike placed a gentle, calming hand on my shoulder and ran his thumb gently across it and I shamefully had goose-bumps everywhere, his finger leaving a trail of tingles behind in its wake. I let out a shaky breath and looked up at him shyly.

"Who are they to you?" he asked me gently, and I bit my lip shyly, and shook my head.

"N-no o-one any-anymore." I stuttered out, and he nodded carefully.

"But who were they to you?" he asked, and I bit my lip hard.

"W-we u-used t-to be b-best f-friends... b-before I d-decided t-that I-I w-wanted t-to go o-off o-on m-my own." I said softly, embarrassed by the stutter I'd developed since all the embarrassment and anxiety had rushed in. I'd been feeling so wonderful and normal? Why'd this have to happen? Can I not be happy? Is this something that I'm not supposed to have? Is this my punishment for running my dad off?

Yes, it is Asher—look at your-self, fucking freak. Stuttering your way through something so simple as an introduction to your childhood... oh boy, something has to be wrong with you.

"T-that was b-before t-though. I-I h-hung o-out with J-Jasper a f-few d-days a-ago, b-but he n-never m-messaged m-me b-back s-so I-I d-didn't k-know t-that h-he e-even k-knew I-I e-existed." I tried to stop the stuttering, but it just wasn't working at all.

Of course not, you fucking pansy can't even control your own voice. Tsk-tsk that right there is proof that you are nothing more than a stuttering fool!

"It's okay, Ash. Calm down, sweetie." Mike's calming voice seemed to take me by the core, making me bend to his will easily.

"I-I'm s-so s-sorry..." I managed to trail off.

"Its okay, Asher, just breathe, okay?" he said, and it made me nod, and he smiled happily at me. "Good boy," he murmured, and I blushed, and looked up at him shyly.

"Alright, now back to my place right?" Jake asked, and I let out a shaky breath and nodded, and he smiled. "That's a boy, right there. All them guts, and a little bit of glory, too." he said, and even though I had no idea what he was even talking about, I just blushed a little and let it go out of my mind, knowing that if I focused on his crazy saying I'd not focus on my over irrational mind, and the words that were cutting my insides apart slowly.

Weak...

Pathetic...

Pansy...

The words kept flowing around in my head—for the first time all day, and I immediately felt like I was going to puke. _Why do they have to be so... painful?_ I questioned myself as I sat in Mike's car quietly. Mike's car told me that his parent's had to have some big bucks, because this thing is super supped up, something I'd never be able to afford, even with my mom being an ER doctor.

I sighed deeply, and looked out of the window I was sitting by, watching as the trees consistently passed us fast, and I realized... they weren't passing us... they were merely being passed.

They were being passed by, and I am still moving... breathing... I'm the one moving, not them.

And in that moment, I understood everything so much better.

Even though I am the one alive, the one really moving I've always considered the trees to be moving past me as if they'd not even seen me, and it was shocking to realize... maybe it was the other way. Maybe I wasn't as invisible as everyone treated me. Maybe I am like the trees—they think I'm moving away from them instead of inviting them into my life, I zoomed away at a startling pace.

It'd make sense, honestly.

After everything with my dad I didn't honestly feel as though I deserved being alive... I didn't feel I deserved people, or things. I didn't feel like I deserved air, or food.

It'd make perfect sense that everyone pretended that I was invisible because _I treated them that way_. I mean, sure I didn't exactly hold eye contact, or conversations... I barely speak, or interact at all. I'm a social introvert, so of course I don't... and I never quite understood that the door to friendship had to be open both ways, not just one way.

I realized that even though I hadn't transferred schools after Middle, a _huge_ part of me had left, and I don't know if I'll ever be able to get that part back.

I don't think that I could ever be the person that I used to be...

So naïve and happy... needlessly trusting, and open to everything. Happy, and yet, shy as well. I was everything opposite to what I am now.

_Is that a bad thing?_ I couldn't help but wonder that, because I don't know if I understand everything yet. I let myself build walls around myself, hoping to keep people from finding out my secrets—my closet of skeletons threating to draw me into the closet with them, and my thoughts promising that I'd be alone even if I was around a whole lot of people but... after today I don't know what exactly to think.

_Are Jake and Mike my friends?_ I mused. _Is this something friends do? Do they ride around, and go to each other's house and listen to music? Do they talk, and make sense to each other?_

I couldn't help but feel a little excited. This is the first time I've been over to someone's house since I was fourteen, and I don't really know what I'm doing.

I can't believe that I've not been to anyone else's house since I was fourteen! I mean, how does someone absolutely _not_ know what to do when they go to someone else's house? Do I ask for a drink or wait on him to ask if I need one? Is it rude to ask where the bathroom? Is it rude to sit down without them offering or what? Like... how do you even converse under all that pressure?

Am I the only one that thinks about this stuff?

Probably, at least its only in my head and not out loud...

Am I going to make it through this without dying?

_Probably not..._?

Am I going to make an idiot of myself?

_Probably, but if they are real friends, will it matter?_ That was the last question in my head before Jake pulled up in his driveway and I looked around before letting out a shaky breath and stepping out of Mike's car.

Well... here goes nothing.

# ℓєт ιт ѕℓєєρ

"What were you doing with them?" was the first thing out of Jaspers mouth when I walked into my room. I jumped, and turned around, shocked to see him sitting on my bed as if he'd been there all his life.

"H-how did you g-get in my room?" I asked him shyly. He sighed deeply, a dark look crossing his face as he stared at me.

"Your mother let me in on her way to work." He said dryly. "However, I thought you'd be home by the time I got here since I spent three hours murdering zombies in my bedroom before I finally came over."

"I-I was h-hanging with my friends." I said nervously. I didn't know if I was scared of Jasper, or if I was scared of myself, to be honest. I knew if Jasper hit me, I'd let him and I still had the mark around my wrist from his tantrum earlier, over this same thing.

"Well I told you I didn't want you around them." He said, and I sighed deeply and looked at him drily summoning the courage to walk over to my bed and sit down beside him.

"W-why," I dared to ask him, fear trickling down my spine at the close proximity of our bodies. In some deep, dark cavern in my heart, I hoped he wouldn't hurt me, but then I remembered, I'm nothing to him but a little toy he occasionally wants to pick up. That's all I am now, and all I'll ever be.

"I don't know." He admitted. "When I saw that fuckers hand on you I wanted to rip it to shreds. I know it's weird. I mean, we haven't spoken in years. But even back then I didn't like it when people looked at you in a certain way. I used to tease all the girls that looked at you that way, because I didn't want them too. It doesn't make sense, though. Why do I feel like I need you so much when you've never been around?" he asked.

"I-I..." I tried but he cut me off.

"Seeing you with them two weirdos really pissed me off. No idea why, honestly. But I know that I don't care what I have to do to keep you away from them, I just want you away from them." He said.

"J-Jasper... they are my o-only friends...?" I stuttered out.

"No they aren't. Rhys and I are your friends' too." he said stubbornly.

"Y-you c-can't t-tell m-me who I-I c-can b-be a-around." I managed to get out.

"Your right." He said after staring intensely at me for a long, difficult minute. "Let me see your wrist?" he asked, but grabbed my hand before I could approve or disapprove. I didn't say anything about the stinging pain as he trailed his fingers over the marks on my arm. "Do they hurt?" he asked, and I thought about saying yes, but I just shook my head no. I didn't figure us both being hurt would do any good for our current situation.

Silence passed between us, and like always my mind started racing. Thoughts of my father, kicking me, telling me I'm weak screamed through my head and I immediately jerked my hand away from him, and laughed it off like it was nothing.

"S-sorry, I shouldn't o-overreact." I said, and he shrugged and patted the bed beside him. I hesitantly sat beside him, my nerves... my mind... everything was centred on the breathtakingly beautiful boy beside me.

"I hurt you." he said slowly. "I shouldn't even be here. I hurt you, bad." He said, and I shrugged uncaringly. He wasn't the first, nor the last person to lay a hand against me in a physical way that wasn't exactly.... okay.

"You aren't the only one." I murmured out, and he stared at me with a weird expression on his face. I noticed that I was sitting awfully close to him, and tried scooting away from him but his eyes held me close to him, and I felt my cheeks heat up from embarrassment.

"Is it wrong that I kind of want to kiss you?" he asked me and I gasped a little, my cheeks lighting up like a Christmas tree.

"I-I n-no..." I trailed off confused. Since when does Jasper want to kiss me? Or kiss any boy, for that matter? He's always been a really big douche (bigger than I'd like to admit, for more reasons than one) and he's always been "straight". He's always been that one guy that everyone else thinks is perfect, straight, and dating a model.

It makes sense that he'd be confused, most teenagers are at some point, and it's funny that he's choosing now to let me know he's actually into guys as well as girls.

However, thinking about him being into girls made my lips trace down into a frown, and my heart dropped. I'd never be good enough for him, I always knew that. I'm not beautiful like him. I'm not... his type. I'm just little old Asher, and to me that is enough. I don't want to be a copy of myself, it didn't feel right. It felt _fake_. And I hate fake anything.

*skip if you don't want to read kiss*

He stared at me heavily for a few seconds and pulled my face to his and pressed his lips against mine. I gasped, my face heating up brighter, and my breath catching. _I've never been kissed..._ I thought as I had no idea what to do. I slowly started moving my lips against his. My heart pounded in my chest, beating almost dangerously fast as his lips moved against mine. My nervousness wasn't as intense as it had been previously, and I finally let myself fully sink into the kiss.

His hand caressed my cheek, slowly going down my arm, and then my side. His warm hands played at the top of my jeans, and I let out a breathy whimper when his fingers touched my bare skin on my hips. I wasn't expecting it, but it felt wonderful.

His hands moved me back, and I lay against my pillows feeling his warm body on top of me, making me feel like I was weighed down to earth... it made this all so much more real. His lips didn't stop moving against mine, and I didn't really want them to.

His fingers went down to my zipper, and I panicked a second, nervous of what was to come. "I won't make you." he said softly, and I nodded my head. I knew he wouldn't, but I guess it made me feel better knowing he wouldn't. I thought a quick second, thinking about everything I have to lose...

My virginity...

My dignity...

My friendship...

My sanity...

My life...

But most importantly my virginity, because I've never even been kissed before this, and now I'm just ready to give it up to the first guy that kisses me? That's not okay. But for some reason I didn't really seem to care.

I knew at some point I'd have to lose my virginity anyway, and it's merely holding me back from having sex like everyone else... but I wanted my first time to be special... but that's not exactly going to happen because I'm not going to tell him no, even if I don't want to tell him yes.

"I know," I mumbled, and kissed him again, and felt his fingers start to move on their own, and this time, I didn't stop them. They continued on down my body, stopping right at the button on my jeans, and he popped them open, making my stomach whirl in nervousness.

*kiss part over*

Is it supposed to be this scary?

Am I supposed to feel like I can't breathe?

Is this what everyone always talks about being so amazing? Because if it is, I don't really get why it's so bloody amazing when it's nerve-wracking and scary and...

I just don't think that sex is something great, because my body isn't exactly acting like it's excited. Sure, my dicks into it, I guess... but my mind isn't and that's kind of scary. I don't really know what to think, and now my dick is trying so hard not to just... go limp and stay that way forever... that'd be horrible.

I felt his hand cup me, and I let out a whimper, half scared half turned on. What is my life?

Oh yea, I forgot... my life is shit.

I woke up feeling utterly disgusting. My body ached, my head hurt just the slightest bit, and I couldn't get the lingering taste of something out of my mouth. Despite this, I felt a thousand times shittier when I looked beside me and saw Jasper wasn't here anymore. He'd obviously left while I was asleep. I groaned, and rolled onto my back, stretching a little. I looked up and noticed that my bathroom door was shut after I heard the toilet flushing.

Shortly after the flush, the bathroom door opened; revealing Jasper in all of his—very naked—glory. I glanced at him long enough to remember everywhere his body had touched last night and then I blushed. After everything I couldn't help it, and I just blushed. Naturally, I'm an awkward person in general, this situation has to be the worst, most embarrassing situation that I've ever experienced in my life, and I didn't exactly know how to handle it. Jasper looked at me, his dark brown eyes and I felt a little piece of me die.

"Hey." He said, sitting down on the bed beside me and putting his hand on my thigh. "You were amazing last night." He praised.

"U-uhm y-you were t-to?" I said confused. Is this a typical conversation people have after having sex? It's kind of very awkward, and I didn't really know what to say. I tried my best to sound reassuring, but I didn't know how to do that.

"Man that was the best sex ever." He said, laying back on my bed and putting his arm under his head. I sighed, and pulled the blanket up around me, hoping to bury myself somewhere— _anywhere_ but here. "We're gonna have to hook up again sometime. Damn, your ass is tight." He said. I stared at him blankly.

"E-excuse m-me?" I whispered out.

"We're gonna have to fuck again sometime." He said nonchalantly. I sighed, and looked away from him. Silently I rolled over away from him, desperately fighting back whatever I am feeling. Somewhere deep inside myself I thought he actually cared about me. Of course I'm just a random fuck to him. He continued talking, his words bled into an uncomfortable blur around my head as I realized what I did. _I had sex with Jasper—the world's biggest fuck boy._ How in the name of god did I think this was okay?

I sat up slowly, my back aching a little as I checked the time. Time to get ready for school, and obviously kick Jasper out... and honestly I couldn't wait. "It's t-time for s-school." I stuttered out boredly.

"Well why don't we skip?" he asked, and I stared at him like he'd grown a third head. "We can eat and have sex again." he said like a bribe. I groaned, and looked away from him, already tired of him.

"L-look n-no offense," I managed, "b-but this i-isn't a good i-idea." I said, nerves eating at me.

"It was the best idea ever! Like now we can fuck anytime and still hang out." He said, excitedly. I sighed deeply and looked away, afraid to say anything. "Of course we'll have to keep it a secret, so that I can still fuck around, but it'll be great." He said.

I flushed at the idea of being his sex toy, his little puppy dog, ready to jump whenever he wanted me to and it pissed me off. "N-no!" I said sadly. "I-I don't w-want this. I d-don't want to b-be your s-sex slave!" I cried out.

His eyes darkened, this time with anger and his hand shot out and grabbed my arm hard. I cried out when he grabbed me, but kept my mouth shut otherwise. "You're damn well going to be my little fuck toy." He snapped, and I flushed at the name, deeming it a lot worse than weak and pathetic.

Funny how a few words can break your heart.

"B-but..." I tried, and he slapped his hand over my mouth and pushed me into the wall behind me.

"Your head says no but your body says yes. Which means yes, so you are going to be here whenever I can't find anyone else," he commanded me, and I sighed nodding dejectedly.

What point is there anyway? Fighting him is fighting a losing battle with a toothpick. It's not like I'd win against him, and even so what does it matter? All I am is a piece of shit, a weak piece of scum that deserves this. So this is what I get.

When he eased up his grip on my arm I stood up and put my clothes on, he did the same, not even sparing a glance in my direction. He got dressed, and stormed out, not even waiting on me. I sighed deeply and finished getting dressed. I guess I'm walking to school today. With that thought I sighed and slowly dressed, listening to the sound of Jasper's car speeding out of my driveway.

I don't even begin to know what to do, or think. What is my life, just something meaningless, something that someone can play with and expect me to be okay with that?

I grabbed my phone and my earbuds and popped them in, tuning the world out.

Thank god for music.

I didn't move my head all throughout classes, I couldn't stand the thought of moving any of my body, but for some reason my head hurts worse than anything else on me, so I figured it was just really bad luck. I couldn't stop thinking about what happened with Jasper, and how he'd made me feel after I gave my virginity to him.

Granted he didn't know it was my virginity, I don't think. He wasn't the gentlest, nicest guy ever... so I figured he didn't know. In fact, the bruises on my thighs and hips told me he didn't know at all. I still flinch every time I sit down. He could've been a little gentler. The one thing about it is, at least he's still talking to me... a lot. He hasn't left my side since he found me here at school. He's been rambling about something stupid all day, and I can't exactly tell you what because I can't remember anything about it.

Finally though, Jasper shut up sometime during last class, and I hadn't been more grateful of anything in a long time. I sighed deeply, and looked around.

So much around me seemed to be going on. The girls in the corner were talking about something animatedly, I'd never seen anyone so into a conversation before. The guy at the front of the room with a frown on his face was glancing every once in a while back at a blonde headed girl with glasses on, and it was pretty clear that he has a crush on her. There was a couple sitting in the back corner of the room, the guy was happily staring down his girlfriend's shirt as she was bent over their desk trying to help him with something, and she didn't really seem to care. I couldn't imagine being as carefree as any of them, and I found myself jealous of them, wishing I could be any one of them.

I don't deserve to be jealous though, I don't have a bad life. My mom isn't abusive, my dad may have been but he's not anymore because he's not around. I mean it's not like I didn't deserve it when he did it, because I did. He told me I did, he made me feel like I did, and I know that he only had my best—

No.

No he didn't have my best interests at heart. He wanted to physically hurt me because he could, because I was weaker than him, and he could. It had nothing to do with me deserving it. He would've beat on me anyway, even if I didn't. Which I don't, I don't think.

I've never done anything terrible wrong, never smoked a joint, or skipped school. I've never smoked a cigarette or gotten drunk. I've never back-talked, argued, or lied to my parents. I've always been respectful, careful, and nice. I've never gotten into a fight, or anything. I've just always been good. Good, the kind of good my parents liked. The kind of good that I didn't exactly enjoy, because it left me out of fitting in with the other kids my age, but it made my parents happy... so I did it.

I can't remember the last time that I just did something that I was happy and okay with without running it past my mom or dad.

I just wanted to let myself be free for the first time in forever.

And I'm really going to do it.

# Нυмαи ιитєяα¢тισи

"So how has things been since we last talked, sweetie?" Mrs. Samantha said, and I shrugged, and played with my fingertips quietly. "Have you done any of the things we decided on?" she asked.

"I made a couple friends," I said getting excited. "We went out to get Ice Cream after I left here last time!" I said. She smiled, and I did too. "Their names are Jake and Mike, and they come here to see you too!" I said, and she nodded.

"I know them well. So you like them?" she asked me, and I nodded.

"Mike talked to me first, and I was kind of shocked because people normally treat me as if I'm invisible, but when he talked to me it was like I wasn't so invisible after all." I admitted.

"Do you like Mike?" she asked me curiously.

"Like him how?" I asked immediately.

"Do you like him intimately?" she asked me, and I paused.

_Do I? I don't think I do, however I've never experienced emotions for anyone but Jasper, and Jasper is a raging dick-wad so I don't know exactly what I like. Do I like that Jasper did that to me? Not really. But am I going to tell on him? Probably not._ "I don't think so." I said finally. "I've not been around him long enough to really know though so I don't really know yet." I admitted. She smiled a little, and I blushed.

"Mike is a sweet guy. He's got some emotional issues, however he's getting better as far as I can tell." She said. "How has your thoughts been since we last talked? It's been a week, so you should've had at least some progress with your goals." She asked me, and I shrugged.

"Well, I went out to ice cream, and I answered a question in math class." I admitted, and she smiled, and clapped a little.

"Yay, and how did that feel?" she asked.

"I was really excited. I kind of freaked out at first, because I really didn't know if I was going to get it right, and I didn't want anyone to think I was stupid..." I said slowly. "But once I got it over with and I answered and stuff, I felt so good! It was definitely different." I said.

"Besides that, have you gotten better with your self-worth?" she asked, and I looked down at my hands and shook my head no.

"I don't think so." I said, "I can tell that I'm doing a little better at being present in talking, however I feel like I am back-tracking in my self-worth. I still don't think I'm worth friends, food... and I still don't dress how I want, I still am afraid to say somethings, just because I know my dad wouldn't have liked it." I said sadly.

"Well, I can tell you are definitely getting better!" she said. "I want you to take this sheet of paper here, and write down all the things you think of yourself." She commanded, and handed me a piece of paper. I took the paper, and looked at it blankly a few minutes while thinking deeply. What do I think about myself?

_Stupid_ _weak_ _pathetic useless faggot..._

I sighed, and thought harder.

Invisible...

Hurt...

Tired...

Stressed...

Sick...

Ugly...

I didn't realized how I felt until I wrote it all down like this. I handed her the paper when I was sure I was done and she smiled a little and looked at me. "Sweetheart, now that we have done this, I want you to sit there and close your eyes." She said, and I did what she said. "Imagine a handsome, smart, sweet, kind sixteen year old boy." She said, and I nodded. "Imagine this boy holding the weight of school, his parents and his friends—all right on his shoulders." She said, and I nodded and did as she said. "Now add the weight of his parents splitting up." She said, and I added that to it. "Now add his father's negative words." She said. "Now add his depression. His anxiety." She commanded. I did so. "What does this boy look like now that he is weighed down by the world, honey?" she asked.

"He looks... broken." I said. "He looks a lot like me." I said.

"Keep your eyes closed and repeat after me." she said, and I nodded. "I'm attractive." She said, and I repeated it. "I'm strong, powerful... worthy." She told me. I said it back to her. "People care about me, but even if they didn't it's their loss." I repeated it back to her. "I'm special." She said. "I'm needed." I repeated it. "It's not my fault my mom and dad aren't together anymore. I can't spend my entire life blaming myself for something that wasn't even my fault."

I repeated it... and for some reason I think I actually believed it.

Mike sat on one side of me, and Jake on the other side both of them making me feel just the slightest bit safer. I haven't told Mike that Jasper is basically forcing me to have sex with him, however I got the feeling Mike knew something was wrong. He kept glancing at me whenever Jasper would look at me, and my senses were telling me I was going to get a face full of shit when I get home if he is there waiting on me.

It's become somewhat of a... natural thing now. Mike and Jake drop me off, and then Jasper yells at me for twenty minutes, fucks me and then leaves.

It's really hard to be confident when you constantly get used like a sex toy, and then thrown away like a piece of garbage. I have pretty much figured out Jasper doesn't care about my personal feelings, or what it does to me, however I haven't entirely given up hope that he cares about me on some level.

You are letting yourself be used like a slut and fooling yourself into believing that he gives a shit when he doesn't. Tell Mike. Tell Jake. Tell Mrs. Samantha! Tell someone... something.

"-Instead, why don't we all go to see _Counting Our Losses 2_ in theatres this afternoon," Jake said, and Mike laughed at him. Jake smiled and looked at me.

"Well Ash looks like you are the deal breaker. Do we want to go to theatres to see _Counting Our Losses 2_ or go to your house and watch _Paranormal Activities 7..._?" Mike asked, and I shrugged, and then realized that either way we'd have to go to my house. I knew that Jasper had blocked my number to keep me from complaining to him, so there was no way to keep him from showing up at my house expecting to bang.

"Uh... are you guys sure you want to come to my house?" I asked them, and both of them shrugged.

"Yep, I'm pretty sure." Mike said, and I sighed deeply and looked around. "Why? Is there some reason we shouldn't want to?" he asked me and I shook my head no.

"It's just... different." I said softly, and glanced down at my feet. "I'm used to you guys taking me home and dropping me off. I didn't know you had a desire to see my house." I admitted, and then looked away.

Please don't realize that I'm lying...Wait... why am I lying? I've never been a liar. I hate liars. I've always hated them, so why am I becoming one myself? I never envisioned myself being a liar. I always detested the thought of liars so why am I becoming one myself?

I groaned internally, and followed Mike and Jake to the car and got in beside Mike. "No, we have a desire." Mike said, and I sighed deeply and nodded, looking at me a little nervously, as if he didn't know exactly what to think about my sudden reluctance.

"Okay, that's fine then. Either way you guys wanna go." I said, trying to figure out how to warn Jasper about them being there. I didn't think he really wanted anyone to know that he's fucking me, and I didn't want him mad at me. I sighed, and looked away from them again, immediately feeling guilty. _Why do I keep feeling guilty about Jasper? I mean he's just..._ he's just forcing me to have sex with him, against my will. But then again... it isn't against my will exactly, because I haven't told so that tells you that I enjoy it...

Even though I really don't enjoy it mentally... at least not after its all said and done.

While we are doing it, I admit I like it... however it's just so forced in my mind, and I can't stop thinking about him forcing me to do it. Is this rape? Is Jasper capable of that even? Or is this just me being a slut, and not wanting to admit it?

I don't for see myself being a slut; however a lot of things are different now.

_Are things really different? You're still broken. You are still hurting over daddy. You are letting yourself be tricked into thinking that Jasper is good for you when he's not._ Oh god my mind needs to shut up. Of course Jasper is good for me.

I sighed deeply, and looked away from the mirror outside the window of Mike's Hyundai and I rubbed my temples tiredly. I have a little headache, and I haven't even started watching the movies yet. "Why don't we watch _Paranormal Acts 7_ and _Kill the Cheerleaders 1_ and _2_ , and have a sleep over at Ash's. That'd be fun, because his mother isn't home." Jake said, and I sucked in a deep breath and looked around the car, looking anywhere but them.

I've managed to control my reactions to an extent, so I just tried to play it off as nervousness... which it _is_. Nervousness about Jasper getting angry... nervousness about Mike and Jake finding out about Jasper... nervousness about them reacting badly to it... or my mother finding out, I guess. I didn't know that I could possibly worry this much other something small and insignificant like this.

"Yeah, and then we can pop some popcorn. Do you have some skittles and mike&ikes?" I shook my head no, and he sighed deeply and turned down into a convenience store and got the candy. I sat in the car, and waited for him to get back with the candies he wants. He came back, and sat the bag in my lap. I glanced into the bag and saw way more than just 'mike&ikes' and skittles. I didn't voice this thought though, as he pulled back out onto the road. I glanced out my window and watched the trees as we passed by them. The slight headache had dissipated as I got steadily more excited about having friends spending the night. I didn't ever have any friends to spend the night, so I guess that this was a first for me... and I couldn't help the little bubble of excitement in my chest.

I frowned a little, as I remembered my childhood, and how I never seemed to have anyone. I realize that I did it to myself by hiding myself from everyone; however it still sucks that I never got to do this stuff when I was younger. I guess it's something I'm going to regret for a long time, and even though I can't take it back, I probably wouldn't have either because without my seclusion I would've never met Jake and Mike.

I giggled quietly, and looked away from Mike and Jake again, this time out of embarrassment. When we pulled up to my house I didn't see Jasper's car parked in my driveway so I thought I was home clear. I sighed in excitement and led them to my house and walked in, letting Mike and Jake follow me. "So are we doing this in my room?" I asked, and they nodded. "You guys can go ahead and get drinks and stuff, I'm going to go take the backpacks and stuff up to my room." I said, and they nodded, and headed into the kitchen.

I walked up the stairs and opened my bedroom door and walked in, put the bags down and pulled my shirt over my head. I glanced at myself in the mirror and noticed the thin scars that littered my chest. Each of them means something different. Each of them stands for something different.

The biggest one is on my hip, and my dad put it there one day when he got drunk and hit me with a broken beer bottle. It was pretty deep; mom had to give me stitches for it. I told her that I'd accidentally fallen off my bike and hit something the wrong way. I then told her I didn't want to go wait at the hospital when she knew how to fix the problem without a three hour wait. She'd protested, and told me that she would need to numb it, however after I insisted enough she just did it to keep me happy. I'd always hated lying to her, however it was necessary.

I looked away from myself, and pulled another shirt on, then turned around to get another pair of pants. Just as I turned around I was face to chest with none other than Jasper. "What the actual _fuck_ are they doing here?" he ground out, putting a lot of emphasis on the word fuck. I sighed deeply and looked away from him.

"W-well w-we are g-gonna w-watch a m-movie..." I trailed off nervously. I reached out nervously and touched his shoulder. "N-nothing will h-happen..." I managed to get out before he slapped my hand away.

"Damn right it won't because you are going to tell them to leave you alone... _now._ " he said, and I frowned deeply and shook my head at Jasper.

"I-I c-cant...." I said shyly, looking away from him. His hands shot out and grabbed me by the shoulder and slammed me back into the wall and pressed his body against mine. I cried out in pain as my back slammed into the wall.

"And just why _can't_ you?" he asked me. I whimpered and looked around my room in desperation. "Is it because you want them to fuck you?" he snapped and I blushed deeply as I thought about having sex with Mike. I didn't see it as a thing before; I mean Mike is just... _Mike_. I don't really think I could have sex with him, could I? "Oh so you do want to be fucked by them. One of them, both of them, same thing doesn't matter. You're still a fucking slut." He said, and I let out a little whimper as he wrapped his hand around my neck. "Jesus, you're getting off on this aren't you? Oh that's disgusting." He sneered, and I blushed.

My penis isn't in the slightest hard, and I most certainly am not enjoying this. "F-fuck it hurts I c-can't breathe J-Jas..." I whined out, struggling harder to breathe.

He tightened his hand around my neck and continued speaking. "That's just messed up. I knew little faggots like you liked weird shit but I didn't know you liked it like this." He sneered, and I tried to breathe as I felt a little light headed. "God you are such a fucking slut. I can't believe I ever put my dick in your ass." He sneered down at me, and I flinched when he slapped me hard across the face, his fingers tightening up on my throat.

"P-please..." I whined out, things starting to go blurry and the light-headedness had taken over my entire brain. I couldn't feel half of my body, and panic started to really set in as I tried to gasp for breath. "C-can't... b-breathe..." I struggled.

He punched me in the stomach, and I cried out, not able to control my tears anymore. "Hurts? Does it hurt?" he asked me sarcastically. I nodded anyway though, and he laughed at me. "You're fucking lucky your little bitch friends are downstairs or I'd fuck you now. I'm going to leave, and we'll do this again tomorrow. This time, don't go and fuck it up!" he yelled, and I nodded my head. He let go of my neck and I fell to the floor in a heap of bones. I watched him closely, and at first I thought he was going to just leave but he walked back over to me and kicked me once hard in the stomach, then walked over to my window, and climbed out onto the roof.

I lay there a few minutes, sore and tired, afraid to move. I didn't want to stay down, afraid that Mike and Jake would see me; however I didn't have a muscle in my body willing to move, so I laid there.

I sighed deeply, and tried to move my arm, but I couldn't seem to move at all. I just kind of sat there, and tried to wait it out... however my body was just getting sorer and sorer as time went on, so I eventually grabbed a hold of my bed, and pulled myself up. I groaned and struggled to stand a minute before I got my baring and could balance a little.

I stood there a second, and looked in the mirror. _How did I come back to this?_ I vaguely wondered, however I knew that it wouldn't matter if I told everyone in the goddamn planet, no one would care. No one could save me, because I don't need saving.

I need to get my head together though. I knew I wouldn't feel right telling Mike and Jake to leave, so I just found something to cover the marks from his hand and came up with an excuse. _Oh, it's nothing I just fell when I was changing clothes._ I let out a tired sigh, and pulled open my door and called out to Mike and Jake. They walked up to my room and Mike stared at me a few seconds, confusion marring his handsome face and I blushed, looking up at him. "Are you okay?" Mike said, his eyes staring into mine.

"Yea, I'm fine. Just... fell while I was getting dressed." I lied smoothly, wincing slightly as my head began to pound slightly. "So did you guys get the movies?" I asked, and Jake nodded, his eyes deep, thoughtful.

"Yeah, we also grabbed popcorn, drinks and other stuff. Thanks for letting us stay over on such short notice." Jake said with a funny look in his eye as he stared at me. "Yo, Mike you know what man?" he said suddenly, his eyes staring deeply into mine.

"What?" Mike asked, looking around my room.

"You left your charger in the car, along with your phone." Jake said, and Mike made a confused face, before patting his sides, and looking around in amazement.

"I can't believe I left my baby in the car! I'll be right back!" Mike said as he ran out of my room and down the stairs. Jake turned his judgemental grey eyes on me and I let out a desperate sigh. Jake stared me down, and I blushed deeply.

"So Jasper was here I take it?" he asked me in a voice that was riddled with accusation, and I immediately looked away from his eyes, afraid that the truth would cause him to lash out at me.

"No." I said stubbornly, not ready to admit it. "I fell while—" I tried to tell him.

"Bullshit. Even Mike isn't dumb enough to actually believe that. I hope, at least. Your face has a handprint, not just a..." he said, and trailed off.

"Listen Jake—Not to be rude or anything but really, it's none of your business what my face has on it—'' I tried to protest, but he just sighed deeply.

"Someday, you'll wish you had of told me so I could protect you. I can't do anything without your permission. However, I really do wish that you could see that you don't need that, you are just getting better... me and—'' I turned away from him and looked in the mirror, and stared at my face, evaluating the way the he was looking at me like he was disappointed in me. I sighed deeply, and looked away from him.

"What does it really matter?" I asked him eventually, my eyes never wavering off of Mike searching through his car looking for his phone.

"It matters to me, _and_ Mike. It matters to your mom." He said, and that was all that was said on the subject, but I tried to understand what he was saying. I thought and thought about it, but I still didn't exactly see what it mattered if Jasper was here.

I sighed, and heard the front door close and a few seconds later Mike came into my room, his eyes lit up with excitement, and a giant smile making his face even more beautiful. "I finally found my phone! Took bloody forever." He said happily, plopping down onto my bed and looking at us. "So how many inches is that baby?" he asked, pointing to my flat screen TV hanging on the wall.

"I've no idea. My mom bought it for me after my dad left." I admitted, and he smiled at me. "So which movie are we watching first?" he asked, and I shrugged tired already.

"Let's watch _Kill the cheerleaders,_ " Jake suggested, and Mike nodded, and I got up and put the movie in, and sat down on my bed. "I'll hit the lights and then you guys shut up—I have to see that sexy bitch Megan Fox shake it on the football field before getting brutally murdered and posed like a marionette." Jake said with a demented smile, and I giggled and nodded, vowing not to make much noise while Jake watched the movie.

# Ι ¢αи fєєℓ ιт

I grimaced as I watched the young, blonde girl get stabbed in the stomach, and fought back the urge to puke up the popcorn and candy I'd basically inhaled before this part of the movie came on. I hadn't expected it to be this... _detailed? Disgusting? Gory? All of the above?_ The first cheerleader has just been killed, apparently there is a _lot_ more to come.

Not that I really am watching it, though, because I'm too busy swimming around in my own head to even pay attention to it. I'm too busy thinking; too busy "brooding" so to speak.

Ever since Jasper had left, and Jake had talked to me about him, I'd been thinking a lot. I'd thought about, not really what Jake said, but what Jasper said. Jasper said something me wanting Mike to fuck me and at that time, when I hadn't thought about it the idea was completely absurd, _why would I want to fuck him?_ However, now after analysing everything, I realized why it would seem like that, I hang around him more than I hang around Jasper.

I also realized though, that I enjoyed Mike's company a lot more than I enjoyed Jasper's. Jasper just... isn't fun anymore. He doesn't smile, and laugh and play around with me like he used to when we were kids. He's not anything like I envisioned he would be, not at all. Mike though... he makes me smile, laugh... he makes me feel happy, and comfortable. He makes me feel... like I'm worth it sometimes.

I somehow, found myself almost falling off of the bed trying to get away from Mike. Mike was lying behind me, his body heat radiating off of him like he was an oven. My entire body ached to lean into the warmth, but I didn't. His eyes were trained on the television in front of us, and the light from the TV gave him just enough luminescence to light his handsome face. I found myself slightly entranced by his beauty in that moment, but he didn't know I was watching him out of the corner of my eye. I struggled profusely not to give off anything suspicious, however I felt like every breath I took was twenty times louder than usual.

The shadows in the room casted a dark grey veil over everything, almost like a black and white film, and I resisted the urge to cower in fear from the partial blackness surrounding me.

I shyly glanced back at the television, embarrassed by my thoughts. Why am I suddenly feeling this way? Was it just Jaspers words echoing in my head, making me think things that wasn't even what I thought myself, or was it how I really felt? I sighed deeply, watching the movie a minute, my heart racing at the vision on the screen. One of the cheerleaders was begging this guy with a knife held to her chest, she was covered in blood, and one of her legs was bent back to the point it caused me to cringe, and my eyes were fighting to stay open, wanting to close because I didn't want to see the gruesome parts of the movie but afraid to close them because I didn't want to disappoint Jake and Mike... they were both so excited about me watching these movies with them it would be wrong for me to not watch it just because I'm paranoid, and nervous. I jumped and screamed, though, when the guy picked the girl up by her throat, her toes barely touching the ground and then he slammed his knife through her chest, and left her hanging there. I screamed, jumping back and slamming my body into Mikes. Mike gasped, and wrapped his arms around me as I trembled in his arms. "Where's the fucking fire, Ash?" he whispered in my ear, and I shook my head, burying my face in between his side and the blankets on my bed. As if on instinct, his arms wrapped around me tightly, as if protecting me. I blushed, but buried myself in his arms deeper, his scent of ivory soap and shampoo cascaded over my senses, making me overly aware that he was insanely close to me.

His eyes looked down into mine, and I looked up into his, and I lost myself in his gaze. A shiver ran up my spine at the look in his eyes, like I was the only thing he could see—and that scared me. I blushed, and looked away from him, pulling myself out of his arms, and lying back on my side of the bed.

Oh god, hopefully that doesn't happen again tonight. I sighed, and looked away from him and hid my face in my pillow, blushing and hoping that I could somehow forget the way he'd made me feel, because I don't think that I can take that again.

\-----

I looked around my room, the darkness surrounded me, but I wasn't alone. I glanced over at Mike, who'd fallen asleep at the beginning of _Kill the Cheerleaders 2,_ and scooted over on the bed a little more, until I fell off the edge. "Fuck!" I whined as my body collided with the floor. I heard the sheets ruffling on the bed, and then Mike's head popped over the edge of the bed.

"What are you doing down there?" He asked me, yawning loudly. I growled a little, and looked up at him. _Does he know that he's managed to worm his way into my head? Does he know that I suddenly have feelings for him? I doubt it, because logically I'm not_ _attracted_ _to him. I'm not. I have Jasper, and he's all I want._

I stood up, and looked down at him on my bed, and he rolled over so that I could lie back down. He rolled over on his side and watched me as I lied there, trying hard to keep my breath from hitching. He stared at me, his eyes trailing over me, and I blushed, not sure what to do. I glanced over at him and sighed deeply, nervously... "What are you looking at?" I stuttered out, finally.

"I'm looking at you." he said as if it was the most obvious thing ever.

"Well... duh!" I said, biting my lip, and looking around the room shyly.

"Ash..." he said slowly.

"What?" I asked.

"You are... amazing." He sighed, and I felt like it was sarcasm, but I didn't comment just looked away from him. "Are you blind?" he asked me a few minutes later.

"No?" I asked confused by the question.

He stared at me, his eyes staring deeply into mine. "I guess you're blinder than you think, then." He said, and I watched him as his hand came up, and touched my cheek. When his fingers touched my cheek, it was like electricity shooting from them. His scent wrapped around me, seemingly pulling me into him, and on one hand I was terrified... but I couldn't deny the way my stomach seemed to be in a knot, butterflies swarming it.

His minty breath showered over my lips a little when he released a nervous breath before he pressed his lips to mine. I gasped, shocked. His lips moved cautiously against my own, before he pulled back. Without thinking I grabbed him by his blonde hair and pulled his face back to mine. This time, his lips moved fervidly, with persistence, and compassion.

_I've never been kissed like this...._ I thought as his fingers twisted and tugged on my hair. I wound my arms around Mike's neck; my fingers trembled while I knotted them in his hair, and tugged. Mikes hands gripped my hips and I moaned quietly.

His hands seemed to keep me grounded, while my mind was racing, my heart pounding. Everything seemed to disappear around us, as our lips moved together. His hands caressed my hips, his fingertips softly brushing my hip bones, making me shiver. "Mikey—" I gasped, shocked when he pulled away from me slowly.

"Asher—listen okay?" Mike said, and his fingers trailing over my skin left tingles dancing around just under the surface of my face. "I don't know if you feel what I feel..." he started slowly. "I'm almost certain you do, though. I hear you, Ash. I see you. I would like to think I know you, also. But... you keep people at arms lengths. I can see that. _Everyone_ can see that." he said with a deep breath. "So long as I get to be closer than arm's length, I don't care about others."

"Mikey..." I said slowly, struggling to find words.

How does one tell someone like Mike that you don't feel the same when he is so brutally honest? How do I tell him that I'd rather have Jasper, the guy who forgets me until he needs a piece of ass? How do I tell him that I feel the same, when I am scared to admit it to myself?

Suddenly, I realized... I _do_ feel the same.

That's why telling him that I have Jasper is making me struggle this bad. The questions in my head are swimming, trying to find root, somewhere to connect, to think about this deeper, longer... _harder._ I'd yet to say anything, but just stare at him, and honestly, what was I to say? _'I like you, Mike. BUT... I have an abusive boyfriend, and am unwilling to leave him?'_ That sounds utterly stupid!

_That is utterly stupid,_ I chided myself. "Asher, I can feel it, can you?" he whispered, his blue eyes staring deeply into mine, and while he was staring, my heart started beating faster, my mind not working entirely the way I thought it would in this situation. I want to let myself fall into him, but... I couldn't.

"Mikey..." I sighed softly, my hand that was resting on his chest clenching in his tightly. He let out a soft sigh. "I wish I could. I can't. I wish... oh god I wish." I said shyly, softly. "I feel so many things right now. Honestly, I need some time to think." I admitted shyly.

He sighed, and shook his head, his blue eyes didn't look as bright as they were before, and they looked dead, empty, blank... _broken_. I did that _. I_ _broke him._ I released a painfully long breath, and forced my eyes away from him.

"Asher... I don't believe you don't feel this." He said, his eyes hopeful, and I sighed deeply. "All I want is one kiss..." he said slowly. "If that kiss doesn't affect you how it affects me, I'll let you go... I will make myself let you go." He said. I sighed deeply, and closed my eyes. Somehow, I found myself shaking my head yes. I felt Mikes blue eyes on me and he pulled me closer, his lips found mine, and it felt like heaven.

Mike's scent wrapped itself around in my head, his fingers gripping the side of my face, his lips moving against mine as if he was afraid I was going to disappear. His teeth pulled at my bottom lip and I let out a quiet gasp, my arms winding around his neck, and fingers tangling in his hair. His soft, warm tongue played with my lip, and I opened my mouth, inviting his tongue inside it. I moaned when I felt his tongue touch mine.

Mike was like sensation overload. Every touch, kiss... his entire being just drove my senses Insane. I couldn't describe it. Ever since I first laid eyes on him, I was drawn to him.

My mind screamed at me, told me this was wrong. It told me that I was Jaspers, and that I could never give myself to Mike, with Jasper around. I shivered at the thought of the earlier conversation with Jasper, and I gasped, the stark reminder sending a little jolt of fear up my spine. _What am I doing? If Jasper found out about this he'd kick my ass so hard..._ I pushed Mike away, and struggled to breathe, fear enveloping me.

What have I done? Only I could do this! Jasper is going to take Jake and Mike away from me for this, if he finds out. I can't lose them. They are my first real friends. What on earth is going on?

Mike stared at me, his mind finally wrapping around what had happened. "Asher was Jasper here earlier?" he asked me randomly. I frantically shook my head no. "Why are you wearing a turtle neck? It's warm in your house." He asked, and I shrugged. "Take it off." He commanded.

"No!" I defied. "You can't make me." I said. He looked thoughtful, and then nodded, pulling a funny face.

"You're right." He agreed, and then smiled a little charmingly. "But your defiance tells me all that I need to know."

"Jasper wasn't here." I denied still.

"Then take off the shirt. Prove me wrong." He said, and I bit my lip, thinking about the kicks and punches he'd thrown earlier. Would I be able to write them off as something else? What is he going to do once he finds out I am bruised up? What do I say when he states the inevitable? _That he's right...._ But I would never admit to being wrong about Jasper.

Mike shocked me then, by grabbing the neck of my shirt and pulling it down, revealing something. "Holy shit Asher!" he cried out, waking up Jake from a deep sleep. "You're neck looks really bad!" he exclaimed.

"It's just a little bruise." I argued feebly.

"Like fuck!" he cried out, his fingers trailing over the bruise gently. "Have you even seen it?" he asked me incredulously.

"No..." I trailed off, nervously.

"Then let me show you," mike said, pulling out his phone and taking a picture. He showed me the picture, and I gasped lightly, my thin fingers coming up to tease the edges of the bruise, making me wince a little. The bruise was very obvious, and it was a handprint, as well. It was so accurately placed as though it had been drawn on. I just played with it a minute, and thought deeply. How'd I explain this? I have to explain this to everyone that sees it.

What do I say? Oh, my fuck buddy got a little possessive and decided to kick my ass because of my friends? Yeah... that'll go over well with my mom, and Jake and Mike.

I assume Jake already knows, he was talking about it earlier. He had said _"Someday, you'll wish you had of told me so I could protect you. I can't do anything without your permission..."_ I knew that, but I also didn't want to admit it. Jasper is good for me; he's everything I've always wanted, and more. Despite me being nothing more than a hole in the wall for him, I knew he cared about me in some way at least... right?

_Someday, you'll wish you had of told me so I could protect you. I can't do anything without your permission..._ what does Jake mean by that? Someday, I'll wish you had of told me... told him what? How would he protect me? He couldn't. I seriously don't know any way that he could protect me. I'm not some damsel in distress, either. I don't need anyone, I just need myself. As long as I have myself I'll be okay... right?

Yeah, Asher, you'll be okay... but you'll be lonely.

Loneliness didn't seem like such a horrible situation when everyone in your life has, at one point in time, kicked your ass literally, not just verbally... but physically. However, loneliness _is_ a horrible feeling. It eats away at you, killing your mental state and your hope of ever being okay. It... takes everything you have and turns it into something different entirely.

I've seen plenty enough to know what loneliness can do to you... my dad was a lonely, bitter drunk. My mom suffered from it, as did I. I felt as though I wasn't worth the air in my lungs, and my mom felt as though she was merely a possession. I learned things from my dad, probably for the best, also. I'm not ever going to be abusive, that's for sure. I also learned some pretty hard lessons, though. I learned that in this lifetime... you can't place full trust in anyone; you have to keep your distance. You can't let anyone see your pain; they'll use it against you. You can't hurt people—emotionally physically... or mentally—because scars don't heal. They keep getting bigger and bigger as time goes on. I have scars, emotional ones. People say that pain ends... it doesn't.

You don't get over pain; you learn to make space for it. You learn to live with it, and you learn to live around it. You learn to deal with it, and live with it, and... sometimes you learn to forget it. But you never get over it.

"Asher... this is bad." Mike said softly. I shrugged, and laid back on my bed, Mikes voice becoming a distant hum as I laid there.

I glanced over at Mike, his blonde hair shuffled on his head, and his blue eyes shiny, almost as if he was fighting tears, I glanced over at Jake sitting in the floor and I saw that Jake was rubbing his eyes tiredly, not looking surprised at all. Mike and Jake looked at each other, their minds seemingly connecting. "Asher, this person isn't good for you..." Mike tried, and I shrugged.

"He's plenty good enough." I said defiantly, crossing my arms, and shrugging.

"Whatever Asher who did this to you," Mike asked, and I shrugged. "Oh whatever, if someone strangled the life out of me I'd remember who fucking did it!" Mike exclaimed, and I just shrugged again.

I sighed deeply and listened to him fuss for a few minutes before Jake cut in, "Mike, you can't make him tell you. When he tells us, we'll handle it then. Until he tells us, we can do nothing. And we cannot force him to tell us." He said, and I nodded, looking at him grateful for his stepping in. "Asher, do not think this is me agreeing with you, though. You are being stubborn." He said, and I sighed and huffed loudly, looking down at my sheets.

"But Jake..." Mike tried, and Jake cut him off with an angry stare.

"There is nothing to be argued. Nothing can be done until he tells us who is behind it. I suggest you two sleep. We have plans tomorrow. What have you two been doing up anyway?" he asked, and Mike shrugged this time looking to me for answers.

"Had a nightmare and woke him up." I said finally, before laying back down, the television still illuminating my room, and pulling the blankets up. _Hopefully... tomorrow will be better._

# Αℓℓ му нєαят

Ever since the night Mike and Jake spent the night, Mike has been with me all the time. He practically goes to the bathroom with me. Jasper hasn't been around much, thankfully. He sent me a couple messages apologizing, and telling me how much he missed me, but he hasn't popped up yet.

I was secretly very glad.

I needed to let the bruises heal before he came back around. I know from experience that double bruising is worse than anything. They last longer, hurt longer, and more often than not look really disgusting. They look more like blood than bruises do typically, also. I'd had my fair share of them, so I'd know.

I breathed a breath of relief, thinking about Jasper. He had told me earlier he wanted to come over tonight, and my bruises were about gone so I permitted it, kind of. I only hope that this doesn't end up like the last time he came over.

I flinched a little at the thought, and ran my fingers over my neck. I spent about a day out of school to let the bruise around my neck heal some, so that it didn't raise suspicion. My mom didn't even know anything about it, either. She'd worked late the past couple days. I was glad, meant less for her to worry about.

I sighed and looked at Jasper longingly. I wondered if he was thinking about me, or if he was really feeling up on that girl he was sitting by. I heard that the only time he doesn't have chicks lined up around the block, is when he's getting his dick sucked in the bathroom. I looked at Rhys, who had a dirty look on his face while he was looking at Jasper. Rhys glanced at me, and shrugged a little. I shrugged back and looked away from the table.

"Hey so Ash, how about Jake and I come over tonight and we all hang out?" Mike suggested as he sat down in front of me.

"Mike, I'd like to have one night to myself." I complained, and his face crunched up into a mix of anger and hurt.

"And why is that?" he asked curtly.

"Because, I need a break, Mike. You and Jake have been at my house every night for the past week and a half." I said, trying not to come off as a bitch. The truth of the matter was, they didn't bother me at all. They actually made my sleeping a little easier. The truth about it is... _Jasper..._ I have to let him come over tonight. I told him he could already. If I don't he'll be pissed off.

"I can't believe _you_ are tired of me!" he said sarcastically.

"I'm not tried of you, Mike. I'm just tired in general." I said, and he sighed deeply and looked around the room. "I just need a little alone time, Mike. I love you and Jake both... but too much exposure to a good thing is... not good, anymore." I tried to rationalize with him, but he just sighed deeply and looked away from me again.

"Lying to someone isn't nice, Asher." He chided wearily. "Lying to someone who can see through your lies is even worse."

He stood then, and turned away from me, walking off. I sighed deeply and laid my head down on the table in front of me. Why did things have to get so freaking messed up right now? I love Jasper; I love him with everything in me, so... why does he hurt me? Why... does he want to hurt me?

I wouldn't do anything to hurt him, no... so why does he insist on hurting me? Is... it how it's supposed to be? He's THE Jasper Taylors. I shouldn't complain about it. I... should be jumping for joy. The one and only Jasper Taylors is trying to be with me... is trying to make a relationship out of us, and what am I doing? Complaining because he's a little rough on me? That's insensitive of me.

I sighed and looked back over at Jasper and the girl, Sandra who was possibly the biggest slut in school, and saw that the two of them disappeared. I didn't want to think about where they went... but I also did. _Is she sucking his dick? Is she... with him? Like is he having sex with her? Why would he want to when he has me?_

I sighed and stood up, deciding I would just go to the bathroom. I walked out into the hallway, and looked for the closet bathroom. I found it, after a few minutes of walking aimlessly around the hallways. I walked into it, and I went over to the sink and stared at myself, sighing deeply. What is wrong with me?

I heard a weird noise in the back stall in the bathroom, and I sighed wondering what it was. I heard a slight panting noise, and my face heated up. _Is someone... masturbating in there?_ I asked myself, wondering why anyone would do that in a public school bathroom. "Ooh suck it, baby." I heard, and my heart froze. _What the fuck?_

I sighed, and stood there awkwardly. I really needed to use the bathroom, and there was only one stall in this restroom. I used to use the ones outside of the stalls, but... I don't really like to pee in public. "Oh god Sandra!" my blood chilled immediately.

The last person I saw Sandra with... was Jasper. I sucked in a breath and pressed myself against the wall, hoping that I was wrong. _Why would Jasper do that to me? He... said he loved me. I gave him everything... my first kiss... my virginity... and now he's.... it just can't be him. It_ _can't_ _be him._

I heard a couple of grunts and then heavy breathing before the stall door slammed open and Jasper came storming out. I gasped, and I just stood there, staring at him wide mouthed. "Ash..." he said, and I glared at him.

"Fuck off." I snapped, and ran out of the bathroom quickly.

"Ash!" he shouted, running after me.

"Leave me the fuck alone, dick-face." I cried out, fighting tears. _How dare he? How fucking dare him! He fucking got pissed off because I was hanging out with Jake and Mike and he's getting his dick sucked in the goddamn school bathroom right under my nose! What the fuck is wrong with him?_

I ran, praying he wouldn't follow me. Sadly, he gripped my arm roughly and turned me to face him and pushed me roughly back into the wall. "Asher, listen to me!" he said, and I groaned and glared at him. "I'm sorry! You were never meant to see... _that._ " He said in a falsely sorry tone.

"Okay Jasper." I said blankly. I fought the urge to roll my eyes at him; I knew that rolling my eyes would only anger him. The last time he was angry, I ended up wearing turtlenecks for a week.

"What's wrong, Asher?" he asked me.

"Oh, I don't know. Why don't you tell me?" I said sarcastically.

"What?" he asked me again.

"Are you fucking... stupid Jasper?" I asked him, and before he got to answer I continued. "You just told me a week and a half ago you didn't want me hanging out with Jake and Mike because you fear I have a crush on them, and you are having little _sluts_ suck you off in a school bathroom?" I asked him incredulously.

"What happens to my dick is my problem." He said dryly.

"Oh yeah? Then what happens to my dick is _my_ problem." I said seriously. If he's going to fuck Sandra in the bathroom, he can. But I'm not going to let him do it without repercussions.

"That's not gonna fly, Asher." He said, his eyes catching on fire. "Your dick is mine. We've been over this. You can't do anything I tell you not to."

"You lost the goddamned right to tell me what to do when you let Sandra swallow your load!" I snapped.

"She didn't swallow." He said, and I glared at him.

" _Whatever_! That doesn't make you manipulating me, and hurting me _okay._ And then saying I was never meant for me to see it? Oh yes, Jasper. Let me fucking get on my knees and swallow for you! Christ you are a fucking douche—" I said, and then he pushed me back into the wall.

"Now you listen here you little faggot," he snapped, his eyes dark, scary. "I have taken plenty of shit off you. Did you really think I was going to let you fucking be the only thing I stuck my dick in? HAH! I can get laid for days Asher. This proves how fucking easily you can—and will be replaced if you continue this way. You ought to be fucking happy you're getting my dick. Stop fucking bitching because you aren't the only one, don't be selfish. I had a sex life before you, Asher. I'll have one with you, and after you."

"You know the funny thing, Jasper?" I asked him after a couple moments of silence passed. He tilted his head to the side, and I glared hard at him. "I didn't have a sex life before you." I said harshly. He slapped me hard, and then backed away from me.

"Don't be a fucking pussy, Asher. You wanted my dick in your ass, and you know it. Stop being so fucking emo, I'm coming by tonight around nine. You better be there... alone." He said, and made sure to push me one more time before he walked off down the hallway, leaving me there, feeling lost, alone, and... feeling lower than I was used to.

_Great, just fucking great..._ I sighed, and stood there a few minutes before I just started off to class.

I glanced around my room, the television lighting up the dark room. I missed my mom; I wanted to talk to her. I missed Mike, and Jake. I missed... Mrs. S. I also missed the hope I was feeling before Jasper came into things... again.

I sighed deeply as I heard the tapping on my window. Normally he'd knock on the door, but my mom was in bed, and it'd catch her attention if he knocked and I let him in. He decided it'd be best if she didn't know he was here, that way if she heard anything she'd think I was watching porn. I fought the urge to smart off and say ' _Oh look... someone graduated pre-school_ ' but didn't figure the beating I'd get after I said it would be worth the gratification of saying it. I stood up and walked to the window, opening it up and stepping to the side to let Jasper crawl in.

A part of me, the side of me that loved Jasper with everything in me, was giddy. I couldn't wait to feel his lips against mine, and to feel his body move against mine, to know that I was all he wanted in that minute.

The bitter side of me wanted to throw him out of the second story window. I knew that wouldn't be a healthy response to him cheating on me, so I kept it in check and tried to forget about it.

"You look nice," he complimented me, and I blushed, looking down at myself shyly. I hadn't exactly dressed up for the occasion considering the fact I was pissed off at him, but I hadn't changed anything on the other hand. My shirt was loosely hanging off of my shoulder—to be honest, I didn't know if it was my shirt or his—and I only had a pair of underwear on under it.

Part of me wanted to just get this over with, the other part of me wanted to drag it out, and show him what he'd be missing(granted I didn't know anything about sex personally... but I'd read some stories before.) "Thank you," I said shyly, and he leaned down a little to kiss me softly. I couldn't help but giggle a little into his mouth as he did so.

His slightly chapped lips were rough against mine as we moved them in sync, his tongue teased my lips, and I opened my mouth, allowing his tongue to enter. Our tongues played together, rubbing softly, smoothly against each other as his hands caressed my hips through the shirt. I felt him push me back, our lips never stopping their fight for dominance. I felt the backs of my knees hit the bed and he pushed me down onto it, and fell on top of me.

His body hovered over mine, his warmth seeping through the clothes and enveloping me. I couldn't smell anything but him—his expensive cologne that I'd grown accustomed to smelling, the smell of his shampoo, and the way his breath smelled against my lips. The way he tasted was... purely something that I'd never tasted before. His body felt amazing against my own, his much larger, harder... his muscles taut and amazing, so soft and smooth. I sighed against his lips, feeling his hardness against my leg, pressing predominately there. I couldn't help but rub into him, and he let out a groan and ground his hips into me.

A strangled moan escaped my throat, desperation tainting everything I saw. All I wanted was him to bury himself in me. I wanted to forget the fight this afternoon, even though I could still feel the dull aching throb on the back of my head a little, I could feel the memory slowly dissipating. I couldn't wait to feel him inside me, to feel him would be the best thing for me right now.

I'd feel closer to him, special even. The words from earlier that had me rethinking this were disappearing. I wasn't just a sex toy, he loves me. Even if he didn't know it yet... he'd told me it, and I believed it.

His hand found its way under the hem of my shirt and pushed it up; when I felt his cool hands on my seemingly burning skin it sent a shockwave of pleasure through me, and I let out a little gasp. His touch sent me reeling, wanting—needing more. I couldn't imagine not having this. Not feeling his hands on me, not feeling him against me... the thought was almost as nerve-wracking as the feeling of his hands on me.

I wanted to lose myself into the moment, so that's exactly what I am going to do.

I woke up several hours later, no clothes on, and feeling Jasper against my side. I wondered about Mike, vaguely. What is he doing? What is he thinking?

The conversation with Jasper was fresh in my head again now that the lust had cleared and I wasn't sure what I was feeling. A part of me wanted to cry. I wanted to break down and cry. But the other part of me, that didn't want to just let my dad be right about me, said no. I knew pain, I'd felt it plenty.

Life is... a complicated thing.

Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose. Sometimes you have a good day; sometimes you have a bad day. It seemed like some people had a mass majority of good luck, and then the opposite as well. Some people... just has shit luck. They just do. They don't deserve it, hell, some of them are great people... but they have really bad luck.

A part of me wondered skeptically what Mike would feel like against me, his warm body making me safe, comfortable. I wondered if I felt safe right now, with Jasper holding me like this.

In all honesty, I can't tell.

A part of me is comfortable, but my mind is still wandering to what if my dad walks in. What if he decides he wants to come kick my ass again and walks in on us cuddling? What would Jasper do? Would he flee the scene and leave me to get my ass kicked and then...

I almost flinched at the thought that almost entered my head. I almost thought "and then Jasper kick my ass for us getting caught" but I caught myself.

He doesn't... kick my ass so to speak. He tries to... help me in a fucked up way. I just don't understand how it's helping me, yet. I will one day, I'm sure. I pressed myself against Jasper, and hoped that I was really able to... be safe.

I fought back a yawn and lay beside him. As I was falling asleep, I thought of Mike again. _What's he doing? Is he awake? I love the way I feel around him. He makes me feel accepted. I like the way he smells, too._ Sighing deeply I sank down into Jasper's arms, Mike's handsome face in the back of my mind.

The next time I woke up, Jasper wasn't here.

I sighed, and felt rather abandoned. I didn't think that he'd just... leave. Granted, he'd given me no reason to trust that he wouldn't. I just got up, and put a hand on my lower back, and straightened my back up. I groaned a little and felt my back pop a little. A sigh escaped me, as I walked to the bathroom. I entered the bathroom, and stared at myself in the mirror. My dark hair hung in my face, green eyes peering out from under the fringe of it, staring myself down. I felt a hand on my shoulder and I jumped, and turned to see Jasper behind me. His dark eyes traced my naked body.

"So many bruises," he whispered, running his fingers down my body. I blushed and looked away from him, embarrassed. "I gave you these," he said softly. "I'm sorry, baby."

"I-it's okay." I said softly, afraid to move away from him. Part of me wanted to shrink away, but I didn't. I stood there and let him run his hands all over my body, his hands softly kissing my bruises. It was times like these that showed me how much he really did care about me. I hoped that one day... he'd be able to love me completely.

"I won't do this again, Ash." He said, and I sighed and nodded. Hopefully he'll stick to it, just... hopefully. I don't know how many more kicks, punches, slaps and... whatever else he decides to hit me with I can take. "Let's shower." He said, and I blushed brightly, thinking about how amazing he'd look in the shower.

"Okay..." I said hesitantly. He just chuckled, and led me to the shower. He turned on the water and adjusted the temperature before motioning me to get in. I cautiously stepped into the tub, relaxing as soon as the warm, inviting water touched the tensed muscles of my back. Jasper got in behind me, and pulled the curtain shut.

Jasper's warm, large hands found their way into my hair, and he motioned for me to bend my head back. I did so, and felt his fingers massaging my scalp. His warm, dark eyes bored into my soul, it seemed as I stood there waiting impatiently. I couldn't wait to see him covered in the warm water.

"Oh god baby, I could lick the water off of you." He said, and I blushed brightly. "You are so... tiny and feminine. I can't believe that you are all mine."

He saying that was possibly the worst thing he could've said, though. He might've been the most beautiful man I'd laid eyes on, but he was still... not allowed to call me _feminine._

I sighed, and bit my tongue. I wanted nothing more than to tell him how fucking much I wanted to bite his dick off at this moment, but I didn't want to piss him off.

_Today is gonna be a long day..._ I thought dryly.

# мιѕєяαвℓу ℓσνιиg уσυ

By the time my next appointment with Mrs. Samantha came around, I was more than willing to get in the car with my mom. My mom was slightly confused as to why she had to take me when Jake and Mike had been taking me every Monday to my therapy appointments, but I couldn't just tell her 'Oh, Mike and I got into an argument because I didn't want him to spend the night with me... again.' Imagining her thoughts, she'd probably end up sneakily putting a box of condoms in my room when she thought I was asleep. That's something my mom would do.

I seemed to slip into an everyday routine.

Go to bed with Jasper having snuck into my room, have sex with Jasper, shower with Jasper, catch a ride to school and eat with Jasper, avoid Jake and Mike... with Jasper. I could practically feel my I.Q dropping from the lack of studying time, and I was going crazy with Jasper around all the time.

Just because he never left my side though, didn't mean he didn't always have something he's _observed_ me do that he thought was suspicious or whatever. He still always could find an excuse to push me harder into something than necessary. He found every excuse to kick my ass that he could, which is why I'm getting my mom to drive me to my appointment. It seemed rather crazy to take my boyfriend to it, when my boyfriend would definitely see Jake and Mike there, and then automatically jump to conclusions.

When we finally got to Mrs. Samantha's office, I sighed deeply and looked around for Mike's car, or Jake's truck. When I didn't see either, I sighed sadly. I was hoping... just then I saw Mike's car. I smiled brightly and waited for him to pull up. I have to fix things with him, I miss my friends.

When Mike pulled in next to my mom's car, and stepped out, he looked at me, his pretty blue eyes deep. "Mike... I wanted to apologize for freaking out on you." I said shyly, and he nodded curtly.

"I over reacted a little bit." He concluded, looking at me. I giggled a little, and my mom walked around the car and nodded at Mike. "Hey Mrs. Vincent." He said, nodding his head a little. She smiled at him, and looked at me.

"Do you want me to just leave you here with Mike and Jake?" she asked me, and I shrugged. "Alrighty, then I'm going to head into work, honey. If you need me, call me. And Mike, if you are going to spend the night at my house, please have the decency to use condoms." She said, and I blushed scarlet red, and turned to look at my mom.

"Mom!" I cried, and hid my face in my hair.

"Oops sorry I didn't mean to embarrass you. But make sure you USE PROTECTION BOYS!" My mom said, and I groaned.

"We don't even have..." I tried to say but she shushed me, before walking off without letting me finish the sentence.

Mike snickered a little and pushed my shoulder. "Its okay, Ashy when I fuck you, we just have to wear protection," he teased, and I blushed brightly.

"SHHHH!" I cried out, my cheeks flaming red and hot to the touch. I could just die right now! Why do I have to be so easily embarrassed? For god's sake, I could just... die. I sighed and looked away from Mike, blushing.

I looked at the door of the therapist office, and then to Mike again. He smiled, and looked at me in a way I'd never seen before. "Ash, when we leave here, we need to talk. Its... important." He said softly.

"Okay..." I said softly, and turned away from him, to rush to the door. Just as I walked in, Mrs. Samantha looked out her office door, and called me. I sighed, luck of the draw, I guess.

"Hey Asher!" she said happily as I walked in beside her. "How has things been?"

"Well, I have..." I tried to come up with something positive, but I'd not really experienced anything great. "Mike kissed me." I said softly.

"Oh... how was that?" she asked, and I blushed. I shrugged, and didn't know how to respond. "Did you like it? Was it... fun?"

"Well, I mean... it was okay?" I asked. "I don't really know how I feel about it. I don't know if I liked it, a lot, or if I... disliked it?"

"Well, did you feel like... you were flying? Like you couldn't breathe? Was it... sweet? Was it passionate? Did it make you feel different?" she asked.

"Yeah, it did. I couldn't... really think about how I felt. I just... reacted." I said softly. "I didn't get mad, either.... I just kissed him back. And I didn't know how I was supposed to act. It wasn't... a bad kiss at all. In fact I've never been kissed like that before in my life. And... it was really nice. And I felt...Safe. I felt happy."

"Well, I know that Mike is a different kind of guy from most. I've been seeing him a long time, and I know that he's not typical, at all. You have to... evaluate, Asher. I hear you have a boyfriend." She said.

"I do. His name is Jasper." I said softly.

"Tell me, Asher. Does Jasper hurt you?" she asked me.

"What? What would give you that idea?" I asked nervously. I bit my lip and waited for a response on bated breath. What am I going to do if she actually believes that? Is she going to tell my mom? That'd be bad.

"Well, I've been seeing you about three months now..." she said softly. "Number one, you show the signs of an abused partner. You are going back into your shell, you haven't made progress. You have a naturally submissive personality, so abusive partners will find you an easier target than most. Number two, you have bruises visible all over you. How'd you get half of them?" she asked.

"I fell—" I started.

"Down the stairs in your house? Nice one, but I've heard it before. By someone a lot like you." She said.

"What happened to them?" I asked hesitantly.

"He ended up jumping off a building. He survived, but he's paralyzed. And he still has the same boyfriend. Only difference is, now he is completely unable to escape his boyfriend's clutches, and he cannot defend himself, at all. He's helpless." She said.

"Wow..." I said softly.

"Asher, it's not too late to save yourself from this... just tell someone. Tell me," she asked.

"I can't..." I said.

"Asher, you can. I'm just trying to protect you. How can... you let yourself live, if you can't do things how you want to?" she asked me.

"He doesn't hurt me." I said finally. "He... just doesn't like being treated like he is stupid, and apparently I do treat him like he's stupid." I explained.

"You do not treat him any sort of way." She said. "Does he hit you?" she asked. I shook my head quickly.

"Of course not!" I said, an inkling of guilt eating at me.

"Does he really not?" she asked. I shook my head no.

"He... does sometimes." I admitted. "But... it's never really hard."

"Okay, Asher, what am _I_ , as your therapist, supposed to do with this information? Legally, I am supposed to go to the law, or a parent-guardian either or." She said softly, and I gasped.

"You can't do that! That isn't fair. I didn't know that before you asked. You can't go to the law, or my mom. I will deny I said it-you have zero proof!" I exclaimed.

"Asher, these sessions are recorded for further examination-!" she said, and I sighed.

"I will simply say I was lying." I said blankly, and she sighed again.

"I will not tell anyone, but you _have_ to either leave Jasper, or get him to stop. This is going against protocol, and could possibly get me into a _lot_ of trouble. If this isn't stopped within two months, I will be forced to report it. I'm sorry Ash, that's the best I can do." She said and I sighed gratefully.

"Thank you, so much. I'll take care of it. I promise." I said, and she nodded.

"So, anything else?" she asked me cautiously.

"Mike, Jake and I got into a fight. Well it was more Mike and I that fought. Jake just kind of got pulled along behind us. Mike has been ignoring me, until today. We kind of made up today, so my mom left. But it's like, every time I see him, I want to kiss him. Its crazy! I don't think I have feelings for him, at least I hope I don't." I said slowly.

"Well, it's often found that people often have crushes and or fall in love with their friends, simply because they admire or know a lot about them. I wouldn't doubt at all that you have feelings for him. It'd be weirder if you didn't." Mrs. Samantha said.

"I mean, Jasper has been my crush since middle school, though..." I said, and she laughed a little.

"If crushes were meant to last forever, they wouldn't be crushes, Asher." She said. "Crushes are, to put it bluntly, something meant to end." She explained. "If someone turns a crush into love, then that is meant for forever. You have to, like I said, evaluate." She said.

I nodded, and she smiled a little. "Asher, if you can get away from what's holding you back, you have the capabilities to become something—someone so great. You could change lives if you'd stop being afraid to speak." She told me, and I smiled brightly, a real, genuine smile.

"Thank you Mrs. Samantha." I said, and she smiled.

"No problem, Ash. Go meet Mike out in the lobby. He's already been seen today." She said, and I smiled shyly and nodded.

I stood from the seat I was sitting in, and walked to the door, and exited Mrs. Samantha's room. I walked to the lobby, and saw Mike sitting there where I sat the morning him and I met for the first time.

"Mikey?" I said softly, and he jumped up and smiled.

"Hey Ash, let's go." He said, and I smiled a little back at him.

"What about Jake?" I asked him, and he just shook his head at me a little, and opened my door for me. I blushed and got in the car, and he shut my door.

"Jake is driving here later, he set his appointment back an hour so it'd be pointless for us to wait on him, because his sessions are two hours long, and it's gonna be about an hour wait before he even gets on his way here." Mike said, and I nodded at him.

"So where are we going then?" I asked, and he smiled.

"To my place." He said softly, and I nodded. He started his car and took off.

"So what do we need to talk about?" I ventured.

"We need to talk about... stuff." He said cryptically.

"Stuff?" I asked, confused. "What stuff?"

"About us, Asher," he said softly, a note of shyness in his voice.

"What about us?" I asked.

"Ash, we'll talk when we get to my house." He said softly. A few minutes later, we pulled into an apartment complex that wasn't exactly the nicest ever, but I wasn't about to voice that thought. A part of me was nervous, a little bit more than just hesitant. What about us does he want to talk about?

"Home sweet hell, let's go." He said, and I sighed, and nodded, getting out and running around the car to him. He smiled a little, and I felt better just being around him. I knew whatever he wanted to talk about was important, and I wasn't going to refuse him.

# Єχιтѕ αи∂ єитяαи¢єѕ

I glanced around the living-room of Mikes little apartment, and picked at my nails. "So you live alone?" I asked him hesitantly. He shook his head yeah, and I sighed deeply. I felt a little bad for Mike, I knew that he'd never really talked about his parents or where he lived, and I just knew that he didn't really like them much.

"Listen Ash..." he said softly, and I turned to look at him. "I have fallen in love with you. I don't know how, but I have." He said, and I sucked in a breath, and held it, shocked. "I know that you have this thing going with Jasper, and I know you know that it's not right. Do you really think he cares like I do?" he asked.

"Mike..." I said slowly, trying to think, to process.

"No Asher, it's my turn." He said cutting me off. "I know he's hurting you. And I know that you won't stop him. I know that you don't want me... I just wish you did. And I can't explain to you at all why I love you because I don't understand it myself. I mean... your _blind_ as a fucking bat. And you just have this really pretty smile, and I can't help but want to kiss you every time I see you..." he said. "I just want one day, one night to show you that I _love_ you, Asher." He said, and I sighed.

_What am I supposed to do now?_ I looked at Mike, and I couldn't help but nod my head. Did I really just agree to have sex with Mike? Really... I just agreed to... have sex with... Mike.

Mike's hand rested on my shoulder softly, and I looked in his eyes. I couldn't help but get lost in his pretty blue eyes. When I saw him leaning forward, I leaned forward too, and felt his lips touch mine.

Mike softly rubbed my cheek while kissing me; I could feel his eyelashes kissing my cheekbone softly as his eyes fluttered shut. I couldn't deny how right this felt, all of it... between us. His scent of Ivory and shampoo washed over me again, and I felt myself being pushed back onto the couch.

Mike's warm, hard body pressed me into the couch, and I let out a moan as his teeth bit into my lip. My hands found their way to the hem of his shirt, and they crawled beneath it, loving the feeling of his warm skin against my fingertips. He let out a noise, and pulled away from me, panting heavily. His eyes found mine again, and I swear I could _feel_ his thoughts.

"Wait," he managed to get out shakily. "I want to do this right," he said and I blushed, nodding a little bit shyly. "Come with me, when I take you, I want to take you on my bed. I want you to be able to be comfortable." He said. He stood then, and motioned for me to follow him. I nodded, and stood and walked behind him closely.

He pushed open a door, and led me to his room. "It's not the nicest place ever, but... I think its good enough for me." He said softly, and I smiled at him.

"It's perfect," I whispered shyly, and brought his face back down to mine. I felt him laugh against my lips as he kissed me, his hands finding their perfect place on my thin hips. I felt his hands massaging my hips, while his tongue seemed to massage my mouth. I found that I _loved_ the way his lips fit against mine.

I felt him pushing up my shirt, and I tensed a little, before letting him take it off. I fought to keep from blushing, and he noticed, apparently. "Ash, you're perfect," he whispered softly. "I love you." He said, and I smiled a little.

His shirt was next to go, and he didn't seem to have any flaws at all on his perfect body. I was jealous, his muscles were _nice._ I could tell he was strong, probably stronger than Jasper and for some reason in this moment that made me feel _safe._

I felt his hands go back to my hips, and his thumb gently ran over my scar, while his lips found their way back to mine. I let myself sink into his kiss, my arms going up and around his neck. I felt him pushing me back into the bed, and I moaned quietly as I fell back into the bed and he fell on top of me.

His bare chest rubbed against mine, and I let my head fall back as his soft lips trailed down the side of my face and to my neck. He softly bit it, and I gasped lightly, my fingers slowly dragging through his hair. His tongue softly licked against the bite mark, and I let out a little moan, His lips and tongue felt so good against my neck, it was almost... exhilarating. _No it is exhilarating._

"Ash, are you sure?" he whispered, pulling away from my neck. I moaned a little, feeling his body shift against me. I looked him in the eyes, and nodded.

"I'm... positive." I whispered.

He smiled a little, and pressed his hips into mine, making me whine loudly. I wrapped my arms around his neck and he kissed my lips softly, and I found myself desperate to feel him.

Mike's hands went down to the button on my jeans, when he popped the button open, and unzipped them; I felt my cheeks turn red from embarrassment. "Beautiful..." he whispered against my neck, and I giggled shyly. His hand wrapped around me, and I moaned. His hand ran up and down my shaft, and I found myself close already.

I unbuttoned his pants, and pulled him out of his pants quickly. When I touched him fully, he cursed and clenched his hand on me. I cried out, and he immediately let go of me. "Fuck..."

I gently tugged at his dick, and he rewarded me with a moan. His eyes caught mine and I blushed. "Fuck Ash... you're beautiful." He said quietly, and I giggled.

Mike put his hands on my sides, and laid us on our sides. "We can stop. I know that you are into me. I _know_ it. But I'm not going to take advantage of your submissiveness." He said, and I sighed deeply.

"I'm not doing it because I'm submissive." I dared to admit. "I really... liked it." I whispered, blushing.

"Well, I mean... I don't just want you for sex, Ash. I want you because I think you are just amazing. I want you to choose between us, and I want you to choose me..." he said softly.

"I..." I started.

"I can't I know, Ash." He said defensively.

"That's not even what I was going to say!" I defended myself quickly.

"Then what?" he asked.

"I... want to choose you." I said softly. "I'm just scared to. What if... he gets mad at me?"

"Ash, you got to know we'll protect you." Mike said, and he took my smaller hands in his. "Jake and I... we love you, Ash."

"Mike... I want you." I whispered.

"You have to get rid of him, Ash. Do it now, and stay the night so he can't find you till he calms down." Mike said. I nodded, and took my phone out.

I dialled Jasper's number, and held in a breath. "Hello?" Jasper said.

"Hey Jas, it's me..." I said slowly.

"Oh. Hey." He said.

"I was calling to talk to you about us..." I said softly.

"Oh?"

"Yeah, I wanted to tell you I think it's better if we... separate. You know, for safety purposes. I hope you understand." I shyly said.

"Oh?" he came again.

"Yeah..." I said slowly.

"I do not agree. If you plan that this'll be the end of us, you are wrong. And if this is the end of us, you will regret it. Got that, pretty boy?" he snapped.

I sighed deeply and looked at Mike. "Jas... it's for the best..." I tried weakly.

"You'll regret it, Ash." He said, and cut the line.

# Вℓєѕѕє∂ ωιтн α ¢υяѕє

Mike's arms wrapped around me, our fingers entwined as we watched his television. Mikes lips constantly found themselves on my neck, softly kissing me there while we watched. I giggle every time, and it never failed to make me blush.

We have been laying here for what felt like hours, and it was almost strange. I'd never felt like this before—there's no pressure to touch each other, or even fear. One, my dad isn't going to walk into Mike's house at any minute, and two, Mike wouldn't let me drown to save himself from my dad. I knew that now.

Why there'd ever been a question in my head that I'd choose between Jasper and Mike, I don't know, because Mike was obviously the better choice.

Mike doesn't pressure me, he doesn't treat me like shit, and he doesn't just ignore me when it's inconvenient for him. We are currently waiting on Jake, who apparently was sneaking out due to his parents being overly "annoying" today. Jake hadn't ever mentioned his parents parenting him; however, I got the feeling that they didn't do a very good job controlling him.

Jake just seems to be the type to do whatever he wants, and his parents just had to let him do it. Mike said one time, that Jake wasn't a tragedy case until he'd made himself one, and I could see that being true, because of myself. I'd made myself depressed, believing what everyone else said, and not listening to myself.

Jake wasn't depressed, though. He couldn't hide his mental illness from the world... he had to wear it on his sleeve like a shield. He had to bear it like a wound, one that'd never heal. He'd always feel it; he'd always be labelled the crazy one. He'd always have people judging him by his condition, not just his personality. He'd always have Mike and I for friends, but... he'd never really be able to communicate efficiently enough with others, because he'd creep them out.

I loved Jake, and I felt a deep seeded level of sadness for him—one I didn't know I'd feel. I mean, schizophrenia is a big deal, especially in this day and time. Sure, it can be treated with medication—and controlled, often very well. But there are still people who judge based on that, and that made me sad for him.

Jake was one of the first people to include me in life—to make me feel like I belonged, Mike being the other person, and to this day, Jake had never yelled at me, or lost his temper, or tried to kill me because "monsters were attacking him".

"Ash, you awake?" Mike whispered softly, and I nodded and looked up at him. His warm blue eyes looked at me—staring into my soul, and I fought back a blush, and lost. "Oh good, okay." He said softly, and I smiled at him. He brought his hand up to my cheek, and he gently rubbed his thumb on my cheek. I smiled, and put my hand on his.

I didn't exactly know what to say, not to Mike. With Jasper, I never really had to talk. We never were sweet like this... I don't know how to react. "Are you okay, Ash?" he asked me, and I smiled.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Not sure how to act, though." I admitted shyly, and he smiled down at me.

"I can imagine. Listen, Ash... I want you, okay? But if... this is too much for you right now, I totally understand. I don't want you pressured into anything else, at least not by me. I want you to be happy and sure..." Mike said, and I smiled at him and bit my lip. "God Ash, stop biting your lip like that."

"Listen, Mike okay? I wouldn't be with you if I didn't want you. I want to be with you, I'm just not used to the... safety I feel right now." I admitted softly.

"Alright," Mike said softly, and he kissed my lips gently. I smiled and looked up into his eyes when he pulled away.

"You know, I don't know much about you," I whispered.

"I don't know a whole lot about you, either, Asher." He said softly.

"Then... tell me about you. I'll tell you about me." I said.

"Fine, I guess." He said, nervous. "I guess the best way to put it is, there was this guy I really liked. I practically worshiped the ground he walked on. His name was Tyler. Tyler was really... sad. His dad abused him, and his mom abandoned him one night, so he kind of had it rough. I always felt bad for him. However, Tyler was with this girl Melanie, and I never stood in the way of her and him, because I knew she made him happier than I could. Melanie knew I was really into him, but she swore she'd never tell him. We became friends, Melanie and I did." He said softly. "Tyler was always a loaded gun. He had money, even though his dad was a dick. His dad was the kind of man who could put on a good show for the law, you see. Well, Tyler had a drug problem, Melanie and I never knew about." He said. I started to slow my breathing a little, nervous. "One night, Tyler called me at three in the morning, and I didn't answer. I was in bed, you know... and he called, and left a message. He left one for Melanie, and Jake too. The next morning, Melanie came over to my house all flustered and crying. I was scared—Mel didn't cry, at least not that I'd seen before. Apparently while we'd been sleeping Tyler had taken some pills... and called us all. Told us what was up? And then... he was put in the hospital. They tried to get the pills out of his system, but they couldn't. His body eventually gave up." Mike said, his face void of emotion, but his voice was shaky. "I became a loaded gun after Tyler died. I mean, Melanie is still alive; she barely made it through it, though. Together, we barely made it. She came out a little better than I did. She could pick up and move on... but I couldn't seem to shake him." He said.

"Mike..." I started. I didn't know how to respond to him.

"Don't worry about it, babe. I'm over Tyler now. I mean, I never really had a shot with him in the first place. I got you now, and you're all I want. However, I still really miss him. He was one of my best friends." Mike said softly.

"I guess it's my turn, then..." I said softly.

"Yep, your turn." He agreed.

"My dad abused me. My mom didn't know. I mean, it was mainly after he found out I was gay, honestly. My mom found out six or seven months ago, and she sent him out of our lives. I blamed myself for it; I still kind of do blame myself. I mean, I messed things up for them. And I make things harder on them, so... I really just... got depressed." I said softly.

"Ah. Look Ash, I think you are amazing, honey. I'll never let anyone hurt you. You're too good for that. I'll protect you through thick and thin." Mike said softly, and I blushed and nodded. We quieted down and he wrapped his arms around me, pulling my body closer than before. "Ash, I love you." He said, and I smiled.

"Mike, I want to love you." I said and kissed his lips softly.

He smiled, and kissed my nose softly. "You will one day, I promise." He said, and I smiled.

We settled down and started watching the television again, Mikes hands gripped my hips almost like he was afraid I'd leave, but I didn't want to. I wanted to stay right here, cuddling into Mike, because that's where my happiness lies—hopefully.

A little while later, we heard a tap at the door, and I was scared to answer it. I tapped Mike's shoulder and he nodded. He walked over to the door and opened it, and sighed. "Hey Jake," Mike said, and I heard Jake reply before he stepped into Mike's apartment.

"So, dude, what's up? And why is Asher in your bed? Did you finally nail it?" Jake asked, and I blushed, Mike just smiled.

"I almost nailed it." Mike admitted seconds later, and I flushed even redder. "Sorry babe. Anyway, a lot is up."

"Yeah, y'all dicks," Jake snickered. "What do you mean?" he asked.

"Ash broke up with Jasper... and Jasper said he'd regret It., which means Ash basically got threatened, and I don't know what to do about it." Mike said.

"Dude, Jasper is too much of a pussy to do anything to Asher. One, he'd have to use a brain, which he doesn't have. Two, he's not got a brain in his head, even if he wanted to do something he couldn't because he has a scholarship on the line. Three, he's scared of you and I." Jake said, "Mainly me, but you too."

"Okay so basically, we can just protect Ash from whatever bullshit Jasper decides to pull?" Mike said, and Jake nodded.

"I'm sleeping over, Mike." Jake said, and Mike groaned. "Oh, stop being a dink. You love me, and you know it. Now, I'm going to the couch. You guys can have all the privacy you need. Think it's better for little Ashy and you to have your first time all innocently. It'll be so cute. Promise I won't peek... much..." he said, and poked me. I blushed, and Mike smiled.

"Don't be ridiculous. Pull up a chair." Mike said sarcastically. "Like, just do some damn commentary on the shit."

"Ladies and gentlemen—Asher is now moaning like a whore while Virgin boy Mike awkwardly tries to figure out where to stick his dick," Jake teased, and Mike actually blushed.

"Hey!" Mike cried, looking at me shyly.

"I am only stating facts here, lover boy." Jake teased.

"Mikey, I think it's cute..." I whispered softly, and he smiled a little at me. Jake waved at us, and left, I smiled gratefully.

Mike wrapped his arms around me softly, and I giggled, looking up at him shyly. He pressed his lips against mine, and I shyly moved my own against his. He happily moved his against mine. He gently moved us back, his body warm, and I was lost in the feeling. I crawled up onto his bed, and lay in the middle, and he got on top of me.

His blue eyes stared down at my green ones, and I felt naked, even though I was fully clothed at the moment. "I-is what he was saying true, Mikey?" I whispered shyly, and he looked a little nervous.

"Yes, it is." He admitted finally.

"I wish I was too..." I whispered softly, "it'd be a lot better."

"I've always wanted rid of mine, however... I've always wanted it to be..." he trailed off, and I nodded.

"I understand completely." I said, and wrapped my arms around his neck. "I'm going to pretend I never... with Jasper. We'll just... start over. As if the past never happened," I said softly, and he looked sadly at me.

"Did he... force you?" he asked, and I shrugged.

"Not the first time. He never raped me, I mean... I liked it at the time. Now I regret it, because... I'd of rather it been... gentle and sweet, instead of hard and heartless." I admitted.

"Did it hurt?" he asked me, and I nodded.

"He wasn't gentle with me. At all." I said, and he growled a little.

"I'm so glad you are away from him," he said softly. "Anyone who has you should treat you like the amazing, porcelain that you are. I know you dislike any way of calling you feminine, however... I would never lay a hand against you. You are so... amazing, and yet you've been hurt so much..." Mike said softly, and I blushed.

"Mike, I'm not the only one in the world with pain. Everyone has pain. Everyone deals with the same shit—I'm not the only one." I said and he nodded a little.

"You are right. However, you are _my_ Ash now, and you'll never be mistreated. Never. I'll protect you until the day my heart stops beating, and even then, I'll protect you if I can." Mike said.

"Mikey..." I whispered shyly, my cheeks red as fire.

"No, Ash. You are something to be cherished. You are... so much more than you'll ever give yourself credit for. I see things, babe. I see you, and I know you'll deny it, but... let me tell you something. You are caring, warm-hearted, and sweet. You were nicer to me than I think even Tyler was. You make me genuinely feel wanted. Ash, you underestimate yourself every day, I don't understand how, though. I see these things you do—I see the way you keep fighting, even when you want so badly to give up." Mike said softly, and I blushed deeply, looking up at him beneath my lashes.

"Mike, I..." I tried.

"I know, Ash. You'll believe it one day, I just hope that I'll be the reason you do." Mike said, and I nodded, sealing my fate with him.

"I'll try to believe it, Mike. Maybe someday I will." I said softly.

"You will." He said, and I smiled a little and nodded. Mike kissed me softly, and I blushed, and kissed him back softly. "I love you, Ash." Mike whispered, and I kissed his nose softly.

Maybe one day Mike, I'll love you too.

# Gℓαѕѕ нєαятѕ

A couple weeks went by, and I didn't even hear from Jasper, or Rhys, for that matter. A huge part of me was relieved, because that meant Jasper was letting this whole thing slide—I hope at least. I don't know if I can handle Jasper killing me. However, Mike and I have been great.

Mike either spends the night at my house or we call and talk all night—which resulted one night into us talking about uhm... yeah. He said he'd never had sex, however, he said he had an overactive imagination, and he'd always wanted to have sex. I think every person alive wants to have sex, though, so he's not special there. He actually got me to open up a little about sex—something I'd never honestly thought of. I always figured I'd live my life out a loner, with nothing but a cat and old pornos to keep me company. I mean... I didn't really have hope for more than that until now.

We haven't had sex yet—I told him I wasn't going to have sex with him until he felt the time was really right. I didn't want him to rush into sex, and then realize I'm not all I'm cracked up to be.

Mike currently is in class—and I'm sitting here drawing in Art, one of the four classes I share with Rhys. Rhys kept glancing at me like he wanted to talk to me, but he'd not come over so I figured it was nothing important. I always kind of assumed he was just... being Jasper's best friend. That's what he's always been. I stuck my head in my work, drawing a wolf.

A little while later I heard someone clear their throat and I glanced up to see a nervous, shy looking Rhys staring at me. "Hi." He said, and I nodded.

"Hello." I said blankly.

"Look, I wanted to tell you something. Can I sit?" he asked, and I nodded. He sat down in front of me, and sat his paper down in front of me. "Jas told me what happened, and honestly... I'm completely on your side." Rhys said, and I had to pick my jaw up off the floor. "He did you really wrong, and I told him so. We aren't talking anymore, I told him I was done cleaning up his messes." He said, and I sighed.

"You really shouldn't have done that." I said dryly.

"Listen Ash, I want to be friends with you." Rhys said. "I like Jake, and Mike too. I tend to just do whatever Jasper says because I don't want to cause him any problems; however, I'm getting pretty damn tired of being his shadow." Rhys explained.

"Look Rhys, I would like to be your friend, but if you are doing this to get back at me because we broke up, I'm sorry but I'm going to have to decline." I said, and looked away from him.

"Ash, I have no care or concern about Jasper. I'm on your side. And I can prove it, too." Rhys said confidently, and I stared at him hard a minute.

"How?" I asked hesitantly.

"I know what Jasper has planned, man." Rhys said, and I stared at him, gauging what he was saying.

"What has he got planned?" I asked, and he smirked.

"He's got a video—one I know you wouldn't want getting out. And he's got multiple ones—showed me them because he was proud of it. He's planning on leaking the videos at prom." Rhys said, and I felt like crying.

"Look, dude..." I said softly.

"Ash, I can help you stop it, if you will let me." Rhys said, and I sighed.

"Fine, we have to check with Jake and Mike first though. They aren't going to like it, Jake hates you, you know." I said, and Rhys nodded. "Hopefully you aren't bullshitting me..." I trailed off, not knowing how to finish the sentence.

Rhys and I walked to the lunch table where Mike and Jake sat. Mike immediately stood and walked over to me, nervous about Rhys being so close to me. Since Rhys and I talked, he'd been feeding me information about Jasper by the buckets—and I was glad. I'm tired of being a little pussy and taking shit off Jasper. It's time I get a little bit of... pay back so to speak.

"Hey babe, what are you doing with...?" Mike trailed off, pointing to Rhys like he was a plague. Mike probably really thought Rhys hated him, but I knew otherwise.

"Hey Mikey, Jake, this is Rhys, and we are going to be having a little talk about Jasper." I said, putting myself in Mike's arms. Mike smiled and kissed the top of my head before getting serious all the sudden.

"What about the dick face?" Mike sneered, and I giggled.

"Rhys has an idea about what his 'you will regret it' means." I said, and Mike smiled. "He's going to help me get rid of the problem."

"Okay. I want to hear this." Mike said, and I nodded. Mike sat down on the table, and I sat on the bench between his legs. He wrapped his arms around my neck, and kissed me softly on the head. "Okay, Rhys. Time to put up or shut up," Mike said, and Rhys smiled.

"Jasper has some videos of himself and Asher. Some pretty hard-core videos that'd get Asher teased really badly." Rhys said. "He's got like four of them, and he is planning on leaking them at prom, where everyone will definitely see them. The thing is—we have to get rid of these videos."

"How do we know we can trust you?" Jake said, and Rhys smiled.

"You don't. But either way, I've informed you of what Jasper is planning. And what good would it do for me to inform you of something if I wasn't trying to help you? Personally, I'm a little tired of spoiled brats being in the top tiers in school. I'm ready to take over this shit and get Jasper expelled. I'm done cleaning up his messes—I've done that for too long. It's time Jasper learns where Jasper belongs. Now, are you with me or against me? I'm done with Jasper. All I know is, I got the information you guys need, and I'm pretty positive we can help each other. It'll keep Ash safe from harm, and I'll get my revenge on Jasper." Rhys said, and Jake nodded and looked at Mike.

"I think we have a right to be sceptical, however, if we keep our eyes on Rhys here, he might be beneficial to the group." Jake said, and Mike nodded.

"Okay. So, what's the plan?" Rhys asked.

"Do you know Jaspers computer login?" Jake asked, and Rhys nodded. "Cool. You'll come in handy, then. We're going to my place after school. Be there, or deals off." Jake said.

"I don't know where you live, though." Rhys said, and Jake smirked.

"You will because you are going to meet us outside of the school after last period. I'll catch a ride with you since Mike knows the way already. You won't be the only one who's never been to my house, dear Asher hasn't either." Jake said with a smile and then he ruffled my hair.

"Thanks for giving me a shot to redeem myself," Rhys said, and Jake shrugged.

"We aren't dicks." He said, and walked off.

"Alright, well, I have some studying to do. If you need me I'll be in the library. Try not to need me, though please. I'm failing Chemistry, and studying is a must." Rhys said, and Mike and I nodded and watched him walk away.

"Do you trust him?" Mike asked me once he'd disappeared around the corner, and I shrugged. "I am gonna keep an eye on him." Mike said, and I shrugged.

"Go ahead. I don't know if I believe him, but I'm gonna keep my eye on him too." I said softly, and he nodded.

"Smart." He said, and I smiled a little. "Have I told you how utterly adorable you look today?" Mike asked, and I shook my head no, a smile on my face. "Well, you look utterly adorable... sexy, even." He said in a husky voice that made shivers go down my spine, and goose bumps trailed over my skin easily.

"You look absolutely sexy today, Mikey." I said, and he kissed me softly on the lips.

"I love you, Ashy." He said, and I smiled.

"I know, Mikey." I said, and he kissed my head.

"One day, I want to hear you say it back," Mike said softly, and I nodded.

"Soon..." I said shyly, and he smiled.

"I can deal with that." He said, and I giggled. "Your ass looks really good in them jeans, by the way. I looked at your ass earlier when you were walking away from me, and damn... your ass is so sexy."

"Why thank you!" I said, giggling softly. He pulled me up off the bench and sat me down in his lap. I blushed and looked at him from under my eyelashes, and he smirked.

"Sexy little thing." He said softly, and I giggled, and kissed his lips softly. He kissed me back, his lips moving against mine fervently. I smiled softly. His lips moved against mine softly, I inhaled his scent, I loved it—oh I did. His scent was safety. His scent was familiarity. His scent was... _home._

In the past couple of weeks, I'd found myself closer to Mike than I ever thought possible. He explained things to me in a way that I didn't know I needed things explained. In so many ways he made me realize things. He made me feel loved, cherished. He made me feel... okay.

He took the things my father said, and rationalized them to me. He said 'it's not true, Ash. Just because you like soccer that doesn't make you any different than other meat head jocks, what makes you different is that you aren't a typical meat head—you actually have a brain.' He'd said to me, and I had smiled hugely.

He made... everything better for me.

"Asher, you are cute as a button." He whispered, and I smiled. "Let's get to class." Mike said, and I sighed sadly. I knew it was time.

"So, math time, huh?" Mike asked me, and I shook my head no. "Oh, this is our class together!" he said excitedly. I smiled, and nodded. "So, are you sitting in my lap, or beside me?" he asked.

"Your lap is awfully comfy... but I'm afraid I must sit down in the seat. Mr Jenkins might have a conniption otherwise." I said, and he laughed. "Besides, I doubt we'd both fit in a desk without getting stuck."

"Oh you are soooo not fun. I wanted to feel that ass of yours against..." he trailed off as we came to a stop in front of the English Language Arts class. He held onto my hand as we walked in, and Mr Jenkins glowered at us but didn't say anything. Mike sat in the centre of the room, and I sat in the seat beside him. His hand went to my leg and he squeeze softly, giving me a reassuring smile. He knows this class always makes me nervous.

Mr Jenkins is homophobic—everyone knows it. Somehow, he'd found himself thinking I was gay—not that I cared, because I am gay, so... but anyway, he typically tries to find ways to make me uncomfortable. One, he always teases me about the way I talk. Two, he calls on me when I don't raise my hand and everyone laughs when I stutter my way through an answer. Three, he glares at me like I was the one true devil walking the earth.

I found that he especially disliked me—even though I wasn't the only gay guy in this class. He just seemed to really like fucking with me. Mike wrapped his hand around mine, and pointed to his paper, which I hadn't seen him doodling on because I was so lost in thought.

I giggled and glanced over to see the doodle of Mr Jenkins with steam coming out of his ears. His head was rather badly drawn but I could definitely tell that it was him. He continued doodling, I watched interested.

I hadn't even noticed that Mr Jenkins had begun teaching. "Asher! Michael!" Mr Jenkins called, and I forced myself to keep from groaning. "You two stop... frolicking in my class room. If you want to fraternize you may do so in detention."

"I didn't think they were fraternizing." A new voice said, and I jumped and turned to see a small, pretty blonde boy standing back at the door of the classroom.

"They are." Jenkins snapped, and the boy laughed—a sweet kind of noise that was almost enchanting.

"It seems like you are terribly homophobic. Sad sight too, seeing as my momma runs this joint—and she doesn't like homophobia much." The boy said with a snicker. "I'd hate to have to tell my momma that you were picking on such a cute boy, too. Oh the pity." He said. Jenkins eye seemed to jump and all the sudden the picture Mike had drawn wasn't so inaccurate.

"What is your name, boy?" Jenkins asked, and the blonde boy laughed.

"Oh me," he giggled. "I'm Scottie, Scottie Ashton." He said while checking his nails.

"Well _Scottie_ why don't you sit by Asher and Michael." Jenkins sneered, and I giggled. Scottie bounced over to us, and sat down like he owned the place—I was pretty sure he did own the place, anyway.

"Hiya," Scottie said happily.

"H-hello..." I shyly said, taking Mike's hand in my own. Scottie is a seemingly overwhelming personality. He'd be the lead in most conversations—the social butterfly, sort.

"Hey." Mike said disinterestedly. He was back to doodling absentmindedly.

"I'm so totally glad that you guys are here, this guy is a total douchebag." Scottie said loud enough to be heard. Jenkins let out a noise of disapproval. Scottie giggled and shrugged at him indifferently.

Maybe you not ought to antagonize him..." Mike said, and the guy giggled.

"Yeah, I'm not worried about it. My mom runs this shit, he's not able to expel—or even punish me unless I did something bad enough for my mom to be angry." He said flippantly. "He can't even give me detention without my mom questioning him about it."

"Oh that's sweet." Mike said.

"Totally," Scottie agreed. "So, what is fun to do around this hellhole?" he asked.

"Ash and I normally just hang out at my house..." Mike said, and I nodded. "We hang out at Ash's on Friday's because his mom works all night, but it's just Jake and I over at his house."

"Jake? Ooh... is he hot?" Scottie asked, and I giggled. Oh god, he's in for a rude awakening.

"So, how long have you been here?" Mike asked, and I nodded a little. Talking to people is kind of nerve wracking for me. I was glad that Mike took initiative to talk to him instead of trying to coerce me into the conversation.

"I've been going to a private school overseas for the past three years. Wanted to come home for my junior year, so here I am! My momma was glad to have me home, especially considering that she wasn't happy with me leaving in the first place." Scottie said, and I nodded understandingly.

"H-how was that?" I asked shyly, gripping Mike's hand.

"It was interesting. Quite a few hot German guys went to school there. Not many attractive Japanese guys went there though—there was this Italian guy who was utterly drool-worthy." He explained.

"So, that's cool." Mike said, and I nodded.

"School in Europe was a lot different though—there they had majors, and it was a lot better than this whole _you must take common core classes_ bullshit. I was majoring in Computer Tech and Hacking." That struck an idea in my head.

Apparently, it did Mike too. "How good are you at hacking?" He asked, and I nodded in agreement to the question.

"I can hack into anything—what they call an untraceable mastermind—some of the most hardworking, brilliant hackers can't track me." He said, and I giggled.

"W-would you h-help us with s-something?" I asked him shyly, and he smiled brightly.

"Ooooh, I've been dying to hack into something! Sure, I'll help. When where, and why?" He asked, and I looked at Mike.

"We'll explain that when we get there, you free after school today?" Mike said, and Scottie smiled brightly.

"Sure am!" he said happily, and I smiled shyly at him.

This is gonna be... interesting at least...

# вα∂ вℓσσ∂

Much to my surprise, we all ended up at my place. Jake said he'd called his parents to see if it was okay if he brought some friends over, and they'd freaked out, so we just ran by his house to pick up whatever it was that he'd wanted to get from his house in the first place, and ended up at my house because my mom wasn't home—shocker.

Though I appreciated my mom working so hard for me, I didn't like being home alone all the time and her working all the time meant that I was home alone—all the time.

Luckily, my room was big enough for Jake, Rhys, Mike, Scottie, _and_ myself. I was seriously surprised, because if it had of been half an inch smaller, we'd have been squished together closer than sardines.

"So, let me get this correct..." Scottie was saying as we all listened to him. "You're ex-boyfriend Jasper is an abusive twat, who videoed you guys having sex, without your permission, and is now planning to let this video—excuse me, videos—to be leaked at prom, so that the entire school is against you?"

"Basically," I mumbled shyly.

"Man, you really know how to pick lovers—no offense, Mike." Scottie said, and Mike shrugged indifferently. "So, what's your part in all this?" Scottie asked, pointing to Rhys.

"I'm the informant." He said dully, looking bored.

"Well, informant, you are merely a liability." Scottie said, and Rhys immediately looked pissed but bit his lip against arguing with him. "And you... _Jake..._ " Scotties tongue seemed to roll around Jake's name, and I saw Jake looking over Scottie in a way I'd never seen Jake look over someone. "What's your purpose?" he asked him.

"I'm the one the liability is terrified of." Jake said simply, and Scotties eye flashed a minute to what looked like—is that... lust?

"Hot..." Scottie said softly, and turned his back to us and pulled out his laptop. "I never leave home without this baby. Alright, so liability, what's his computer name and password?" Scottie asked, and Rhys made a noise.

"Computer name is football23 and password is chicagoRavens—Capitol R." Rhys said. He didn't really like Scottie much I didn't think, but he was still compliant, which told me he was pretty angry at Jasper still.

Scottie tapped around on his computer a few minutes, and turned to us. "So there's good news, and bad news." He said.

"Give us the bad news first, and smooth it over with the good news." Jake said with a wink. Scottie giggled and nodded.

"Bad news is, his computers on protected—something that is hard to get around, however if someone in this room can get into Jaspers room and turn the protection off, it'll be easy peasy. If no one here can, then the good news is, I can get around it by hacking into his Wireless Network Box, and override his computers natural defence. Also, I'll need to plant a virus so he'll not be able to access it once his computer is compromised. I need someone to send him an email to a porn site that I use for viruses." Scottie said, and Rhys piped up quickly at the thought of being useful.

"Jasper trusts me more than anyone. I can get into his good graces by kissing his ass a little. I want to take this fucker down. If putting a little virus in his computer will take him down a couple notches, I'll help out anyway I can." Rhys said.

"Liability, if you screw this up, you'll find yourself ruined, quicker than you can even _try_ to fix. You can play reconnaissance but you better not give away this plan." Scottie said, and Rhys nodded.

"I can go get started kissing his ass now. If I don't, he'll know something is up. I always come crawling back. We can meet here Wednesday at six, and I'll send him the link from your computer. He won't open it if I send it before he's back to thinking he owns me." Rhys said, and Scottie giggled.

"Go, hurry... do _not_ betray me, liability." Scottie said, and Rhys nodded and left.

"Kay, so now that the liability has left, we can watch some How to Get Away with Murder and chill out." Scottie said, and Jake perked up at the thought.

"You like that show?" Jake asked, and Scottie nodded.

"Oh yes, I love it." He said, and Jake smirked.

"We should totally fuck." Jake said, and Scottie smirked at him in a somewhat dirty way.

"In your dreams, Jakey," Scottie said teasingly, and closed his computer easily.

I pulled Mike over to my bed, and he laughed, coming in front of me and putting his hands gently on the sides of my face. He softly kissed me, and I craned my neck to kiss him back. I moaned a little, and pulled him down onto the bed with me. Mike laughed, and kissed me softly again. Jake sat on the floor, his back against the foot of my bed where the large TV hung on the wall. Scottie sat by him, almost afraid to get on the bed. "You know you guys can get on the bed, right?" I said shyly.

Scottie giggled. "I was just gonna let you guys have the bed—you know, for uhm... sexual reasons." He teased, and I blushed.

"We haven't..." Mike trailed off, and Scottie giggled again.

"Won't be long, you two are the most lovey dovey couple I've ever seen. I thought you guys had been together for years, not just a couple weeks." Scottie said, and I blushed.

"Yeah... I had poor taste in judgement," I admitted quietly.

"So, how'd y'all get together?" he asked, and I blushed bashfully.

"Well, I met him at the psychologist's office... actually..." I trailed off. "He was the first guy to ever hit on me."

"Awwwwh!" Scottie said and I blushed harder.

"We remained friends for a while because this retard decided that Jasper was a better man—bet my dicks bigger than his." Mike said, and I giggled shyly and thought about nodding, even though I'd never seen Mike's dick—at least not in person. I knew that it could be bigger—probably was, actually.

"I mean, it's not like size matters anyway," I said softly, "but I'm pretty sure that you _are_ in fact bigger than him." I admitted.

"See that right there? That's a good man." Mike said, and kissed me softly. "You're a real keeper, baby."

I giggled shyly and kissed his lips softly. He reciprocated by kissing me back softly on the nose. "Adorable little fucker." He chastised and I blushed.

"So, if you two love birds will stop being completely disgusting we can maybe watch two episodes of How to Get Away with Murder before Scottie has to go." Jake said, and I laughed softly and looked at Scottie.

"If you want to stay the night, you're welcome. I'm sure Jake and Mike will be." I said softly, and Scottie giggled.

"As much as I'd love to spend the night tonight, I actually have to be home so my mom will stop growling about needing to spend family time together—we can do a rain check though, for Friday if you'd like." Scottie said, and I smiled.

"Sounds like a deal." I agreed.

Mike and I cuddled up on the bed, while Jake tried desperately to get Scottie to sleep with him—something I thought was rather sweet considering that Jake hadn't shown interest in anyone before, and now he's all over Scottie like butter on a warm spoon.

I had a feeling Scottie would give Jake a run for his money. Sure, Jake was gorgeous, by all right, and he'd probably had his share of girls, guys... whatever it is that interests Jake—but Scottie seemed to not be moved by Jake much at all—that was both relieving and weird at the same time.

The episodes of How to Get Away with Murder seemed to fly by; however, time seemed to stand still. I loved how I felt around Mike—like I was the single most important thing in the world to him. I hoped he knew that he was slowly—but surely, becoming the most important thing to me.

Scottie seemed to fit in well with Jake, Mike and I. He didn't really seem to care that all of us were mental cases—he only cared that we were cool. He'd known us a matter of hours, and was already basically in our group. He was the more rowdy type, more than I am at least, and I had a feeling him and Jake would end up together, more than likely.

Scottie seemed to be the type that'd make someone work for him but yet, he seemed to really be enchanted with Jake, and I genuinely hoped that they'd get something together. Jake is a good guy, and Scottie seems to be pretty perfect for Jake. On one hand Scottie is rambunctious, loud, demanding, charismatic, and radiated confidence, but I got the feeling that Scottie had trust issues. And I knew Jake does too.

If they'd get together, they'd probably end up staying together, too. I'd hope, at least. I can see myself being friends with them long term, hopefully.

The situation with Rhys was kind of stumping me. Was he for real against Jasper? Or was he luring me, and the others, into a trap? I wanted to trust him, but I didn't know if it was smart.

Rhys was extremely loyal to Jasper—I'd seen that multiple times over the years, and I _knew_ trusting him would be tricky. On one hand, he could be legit. On the other hand... he could be distracting us from what was really going to happen.

True to his word, Scottie left around midnight, after complaining into his phone about not wanting to be coddled. I had the distinct impression he didn't really want to leave yet. Jake walked him out when the car horn beeped outside. Jake didn't come back up immediately, but he did show up once we heard Scottie's moms car pull away.

I giggled as Mike pressed his lips against my neck; he trailed little kisses up and down my neck softly. He'd wrapped his arms around me, and played with my hair carefully.

Mike never failed to make me feel like a prince whenever he was around.

"Can you two stop being all lovey dovey please? Like, I get that you guys are all up into this honeymoon faze, but please, I'm tired." Jake whined, and Mike laughed.

"Why don't you take yourself to the guest room across the hall then, dude?" Mike asked him, and Jake groaned.

"That'd require moving. I'm too lazy," he complained.

"Well, considering that this is Ash's room, I'm free to do whatever he wants me to. If he tells me to stop being all cute, I will. However, I love kissing him in every way possible. If you have a problem, please take yourself across the hall." Mike said.

I found that Mike said almost exactly what I was thinking most times—he seemed to really get me well, without me even having to speak. I giggled, and Jake groaned again.

"Fine, you guys win," Jake whined, and stood up off the floor. "I hate sleeping in your guest room. It's so lonely." He said dryly, and I giggled.

"I'm sorry." Mike said mockingly, and Jake laughed.

"You're a dick. I'll see you guys tomorrow." He said, and I nodded at him.

"See you tomorrow, Jake." I said, and he smiled.

After Jake left, Mike and I found ourselves laying on my bed, staring into each other's eyes. Mike's pretty blue eyes seemed to stare into my soul, and I was almost worried he would find something he wouldn't like.

"You're beautiful," Mike whispered softly, staring at me. "I know what you are thinking, and it's not true. I mean, you really genuinely have some issues with self-confidence, and I don't see how. You seriously... are just gorgeous to me."

"Mikey..." I whispered gently, and he smiled softly at me. He ran his thumb down my cheek, and kissed my lips teasingly. I giggled and kissed him back. His lips moved against mine with a fierce intensity that he'd never kissed me with. His lips seemed to press into mine in just the right way; it never failed to make me feel important. I moaned into his mouth as he kissed me, pulling me closer to him. I found myself readily arching into his touch.

We moved our lips together, and our bodies moulded together in such a way that made me feel like I belonged there. His teeth gently tugged at my lip, and it made me gasp. His hand that was on my cheek slid down a little, and made its way to my hip, where he slid his hand sneakily under my shirt. I moaned when his hand came in contact with my nipple.

He worked it in his hand, making it harden immediately, and I whined in need for more—anything. Mike laughed against my lips playfully, and I felt his dick pressing into my tummy—so hard and needy. I moaned, and found myself arching into him. I let my hand trail down his abs, and down to his pants line.

My fingers nervously played around with the button of his jeans as if there was something stopping me. I looked into Mikes eyes while I took a moment to breathe, and I found that Mike's blue eyes were hungry—something that caused my breath to catch a little.

I'd never felt so... desirable in my life.

The feeling was almost euphoric, and I found myself gaining a little bit of confidence from just his eyes. I shyly unbuttoned his pants and slipped my hand into them, along with his boxers. My fingertips passed over something warm, soft... and Mike gasped slightly. His hand clenched a little when I got daring enough to wrap my hand around his length.

I fought the urge to gasp in shock—his dick was larger than I'd expected. Thick, just barely thin enough for my hand to go all the way around and his length was two of my hands together, I'd bet.

I gently moved my hand on him, keeping his dick in my hand, loving how warm he was. He let out a groan as I jacked him off slowly, picking up the pace a little the longer it went on.

He pulled my face to his, kissing me softly. I didn't stop moving my hand on his dick, I just held on a little tighter, and he let out a loud moan and bucked into my hands. I giggled, and kept the tight grip, moving my hand on him a little slower, so he'd feel me working him from the base to the tip.

Moan after moan fell from his lips, the more I worked him in my hand, the louder he'd get. I found myself loving the way he looked—he sounded when he was being pleasured.

His sounds were utterly amazing, they made my skin boil and my pants tighten a little more every time he'd make one. His face, though... oh god, it was almost my undoing.

He had his face scrunched up in pleasure, his eyes half closed, and his lip stuck between his teeth as though he was about to bite his lip hard enough for blood. I let out a little whimper of need, but fought it back—tonight's about him, not me. Seeing Mike like this had me completely mesmerized—oh god, I'd never seen a more beautiful sight.

I managed to manoeuvre myself down between his legs so that It'd make this easier, and he didn't seem to have any complaints himself so I didn't go back up. Instead, I kept back on my heels, enjoying the feel of him in my hand, hard as a rock.

Noise kept escaping him, and I kept moving my hand. He moaned and groaned—and I just kept going. "Oh fuck, baby..." he whined out, and I sped up a little, keeping the same grip on him. "Fuck..." he ground out and I moaned a little, seeing him fall apart was amazing. The faster I went, the louder he got—it was amazing. I was controlling him just by how fast I moved my hand.

"Fuck. Fuck. Fuck...." He ground out, burying his fist in the covers of my bed. I found that the closer he got, the hotter I felt. The more he cursed, and let out noises, the better I felt. I couldn't help but moan a little while I was jacking him off. "Fuck, baby stop... I'm about..." he tried, and I didn't let up.

I actually got a little braver after he made the announcement, and leaned down and took his tip into my mouth. The salty taste of pre-cum gathered on my tongue and I fought the urge to pull my head off. I'd never sucked a dick to cumming before—only sucked Jaspers a couple times, and he always ended up growling and just fucking me.

Mike wasn't complaining, though. His hand found its way to my hair, and I tried to take more of him in my mouth. I took turns sucking, and licking, making sure I cupped his balls in my hands. I found myself enjoying this more than I thought I ever could. His dick seemed to swell a little more, and then he groaned and stopped moving. When I watched him fall apart above me, I found myself gagging around him as a moan tried to escape as I came into my pants. The first thing I noticed was the taste of his cum in my mouth. I was too startled to spit it out, so I just swallowed it down, unsure of what to do.

I blushed shyly, all of the sudden, and looked away from him bashfully. He laughed at me, sweat on his forehead causing the hair around his face to stick to his skin in wet tendrils of slight curls.

He pulled me up to lie beside him, and kissed me softly on the lips. "That was amazing, Ash." He said softly, and I blushed and pushed the hair out of his face softly. "Why'd you swallow?" he asked, and I blushed.

"I-I was shocked, and didn't know what to do..." I admitted shyly.

"For future reference, you don't have to swallow." He teased, and I blushed shyly.

"I-I kind of liked it..." I admitted again, and he just shook his head at me.

"What am I gonna do with you?" he asked me rhetorically, and I blushed and shrugged. "Alright, your turn." He said, and I blushed even brighter.

"Mike..." I said softly.

"Oh. You... okay." He said, and I giggled.

"I already came, dumbass." I said, and he blushed this time—a welcomed sight for me.

"Hey, what if I had of wanted to return the favour?" he asked me teasingly, and my dick started hardening again.

"No, Mike. I've already came, and..." I shyly protested.

"And?" he teased, and I blushed.

"I've... neverhadablowjob, okay?" I said really quickly, and he laughed a little.

"Slow down, speak English." He teased.

"I'veneverhadablowjob." I said again not slowing down any, just repeating it. He laughed.

"Asher, I can't understand what you are saying when you talk like your mouth is a motorcycle in high-gear." Mike said, and I sighed deeply and covered my face shyly.

"I've never had a blow job..." I said softly.

"Ahh..." he said softly. "I've never had one before you gave me one." He admitted, and I blushed.

"Good," I said and laid my head down on his shoulder and kissed his cheek.

"I love you, Ashy." He said, and I smiled, without replying I cuddled up to him and aimed for sleep. I knew Mike would be asleep soon, so I wasn't too embarrassed about being tired.

I am shocked at how I am feeling, though. I am actually happy. Like, even though I can still feel the nagging feeling of sadness in the back of my chest, the majority of what I'm feeling right now is... happiness.

If I could have this moment, for the rest of my life... I'd be happy forever. With that last thought, I felt my eyes drifting shut, and I let the tiredness take over my body.

# Тнє σиℓу єχ¢єρтισи

I woke to the sound of Mike snoring lightly in my ear as the sun shone down brightly on us. The rest of the room was silent, save for the television that was still on the same cycling television show we'd fallen asleep listening to—How to get away with Murder—and somehow, I'd found myself fine with the annoying buzz of the television.

I snuggled up into Mike's arms more, loving the warmth he was radiating. I couldn't believe that I was so happy right now.

Even though I could feel the cum still in my pants, dried and icky, I wasn't too worried with it. I found that I was too happy to care. Sometime during the night, Mike's shirt had come off, and I watched his bare chest rising and falling with his short, steady breaths.

Something on his chest caught my sight, and I found myself reaching over to feel it. It was slightly protruding, like a tattoo, except... engraved into his skin. It didn't look like something that'd been put there by force, however. He had to have willingly let it be put there. I couldn't really see it, granted, I didn't know how I'd never seen it before.

I laid still, just content for a little while. I'd ask Mike about the mark on his side later, I was sure he'd tell me about it. I giggled quietly, when I felt his hard on rub against me. A huge part of me wanted to end the madness and just let him fuck me, but I didn't really know if I wanted to take the sweet moment away from him. We'd promised that we'd forget I ever had sex with Jasper, and we'd make it special for both of us, however... I really did have sex with Jasper.

I giggled and cuddled up to him, and despite his hard on pressing against me, I got a little closer. I felt him get harder, and blushed brightly. Mike seemed to stir a bit as I messed around, cuddling closer and teasing his erection a little with my leg. "Fuck, Ash." He groaned, opening his eyes.

"Sorry Mikey," I giggled playfully, and he groaned again, grabbing me and burying his face in the pillow beside me, his scent washing over me. The way he smelt brought me nothing but pleasure, and even though it was weird, I was strangely comforted by it. It'd become a familiar scent—something that I seemed to process as safety.

"I'm still tired," he complained, and I giggled.

"I'm hungry," I whined, and he laughed. "I want a blue-berry pop-tart. Stat." I said, and he laughed again.

"Well, I mean, we have to shower first..." he said softly into my ear, sending shivers down my spine. "Do you know any way we could possibly hurry that along?" he asked in a teasing voice.

"I h-have no idea." I stuttered out as he ran his nose along the length of my neck.

"I bet you can surely think of something..." he said into my ear.

"I-I bet you could tell me what you're thinking right now," I asked softly, and he laughed gently against my neck. A smile was shining on my face, and I knew what he meant.

"Currently?" he asked in a teasing voice, and I bit my lip while he continued teasing me softly. "I'm thinking about your thin, sexy little body pressed against the cool tile of your shower, your legs wrapped around mine, and..." he trailed off, lowering his voice a little, "my length buried inside you." He finished slowly, and I blushed and shamefully let out a moan at the thought.

"No fair, Mikey, you're using your sexiness to..." I trailed off, unable to finish the sentence. His breath was leaving goose bumps all over my skin, and it was driving me mad. I couldn't concentrate on anything other than Mike—how he smelled, how his breath fanned against my neck in ways that should be illegal, how his hands were sending tingles all over me... he was sensation overload.

"Babe, aren't you ready for a bath?" he asked me teasingly, while purposefully pressing his erection against me. I moaned quietly and shook my head, trying to clear the lust out of my head.

"Mike..." I whined out, and he laughed, "Okay, really though..." I whimpered as he continued to tease me. "Let's go shower—please..." I whined and he laughed.

"Let's go babe, shower time..." he said softly, and I sighed softly and stood up. He laughed, and kissed me softly on the cheek when he stood himself.

I giggled and wrapped my arms around him, and he smiled and wrapped his arms around me, and kissed my head. "I'd kiss you on the lips, but I haven't brushed my teeth and... yeah." He said, and I smiled softly and pecked his lips softly, blushing brightly.

"You're good." I said softly, and walked over to my dresser and pulled out some underwear. Mike walked up behind me and pulled a different pair out and wiggled them in front of my face.

"Hey, why don't you ever wear these?" he asked me, and I flushed red and grabbed them, shoving the panties into the drawer, and slamming it shut.

"Because I'm a boy!" I protested, and he laughed and kissed me on the neck softly.

"You'd look sexy in them, I bet..." he whispered against my neck, and I giggled and pushed him away.

"Shower time, pervert." I said playfully, and he grabbed my ass easily when I turned around as he followed me to my bathroom. I giggled and pulled away from him again. "Hey, mind your manners, young man!" I said playfully, and he laughed.

"You're younger than me!" he said, grabbing my ass again, and I blushed. "You should be minding your manners, babe..." he said teasingly.

"There's a spare toothbrush in the medicine cabinet..." I said softly, pulling my shirt off, and turning around. Despite the fact that Mike had seen me shirtless before, I was overly embarrassed about my scars for some reason. He'd told me he didn't mind them, but... I still worried about him not liking them. I was worried he'd dislike them but not want to hurt me, so he'd not tell me.

He pulled the toothbrush out, and I came over by him to brush my own teeth, and he laughed and handed me my toothbrush. I thought it was kind of cute how we were doing this stuff together. As soon as he saw I was done brushing my teeth, he washed his mouth out and turned to me and kissed me.

I giggled and kissed him back, his tongue slipping in between my parted lips and I moaned, letting my tongue play with his shyly. He laughed and pulled back long enough to lock the door on the bathroom, just in case anyone—mom... Jake—got into my room and came looking for us. Mike pressed his lips against mine again, and I giggled softly, before reaching down and unbuttoning his pants.

He laughed, and unbuttoned mine too, and pushed them down. I blushed brightly when he did that, suddenly overly aware that I'd came all over myself last night. "You weren't joking when you said you came last night." He teased, and I blushed. "God, you're gorgeous."

"Thank you," I shyly murmured, looking away from him. He pulled my underwear and pants down, and I stepped out of them. He then did the same, after he adjusted the water. He held my hand and helped me in and then got in behind me. Once he got in behind me, he pressed me against the wall a little and kissed me softly. I laughed and wrapped my arms around his neck, kissing him back softly. He put his hands on my hips and continued kissing me.

We kissed for a long time, the feel of the water running over our skin only making us more passionate. Mike's warm body felt like heaven against mine, and his lips were oh so soft and delicious against mine. Kissing Mike felt... so _right._ Mike had a way of just making things okay, and I liked that about him.

Mike's fingers played with my hips, tickling me softly, and I giggled against his lips. He stopped after a few minutes, favouring my lips to me giggling. "God, Asher, I love you," he whispered and I felt my cheeks turning red.

"I wish I could say the same, Mike... honestly, I do." I whispered, looking him in the eyes, and hoping he read them. I want him, I like him, and I just... don't love him yet. He's been for me longer than I've been for him. Or rather, I'd been for him, just blind to it.

He smiled and pecked my lips softly. "Here gorgeous, let me wash you." He said softly, and I blushed and nodded. I stood under the stream of water and he took his hands and wet my hair easily. He took some shampoo and scrubbed it into my hair, massaging my head gently. I giggled, and he smiled. He motioned for me to tilt my head back, so I did. He washed my hair out for me, and I giggled. He then took the body wash and squirted it in his hand.

"I would rather use my hands," he said teasingly and I blushed, nodding at him shyly. He rubbed his hands together and then started on my shoulders, gently washing my skin with his large hands. He washed over my stomach, and down my arms, getting my underarms and dick, before he motioned for me to turn around. Shyly, I turned around and he ran his soapy hands over my back, and down to my ass. I giggled when he took his time washing my ass. He seemed to enjoy washing my ass, I noted while blushing.

"All done," he said, and I smiled. I stood under the water, and I felt all the soap washing off me. I then smiled softly and looked at him through my wet lashes shyly.

"Your turn..." I whispered, and he laughed. We switched spots and he wet his hair. I took my time scrubbing his hair, even though his hair wasn't as thick as mine, I knew he liked his hair played with. He smiled under my attention. I giggled, "Wash your hair out," I commanded, because I wasn't tall enough to do it for him. He smiled, and did as I said. I reached over and got the body wash.

I squirted it into my hand and then rubbed my hands together, washing his shoulders and chest easily. His gorgeous skin felt like satin under my fingers, and I found myself getting a little hard while looking at his chest. He laughed when he saw, and I flushed, but instead of making a scene about it, he just kissed me softly. I giggled, feeling a little more confident.

I took his dick in my hand and washed it, blushing when it responded to my hand. I looked up at Mike and he merely shrugged. "It's happy to see you," he said playfully, and I giggled. He laughed and turned around after I washed his arms and his legs.

I was surprised that he actually did have a really nice ass. I washed his back softly, loving the way his skin felt under my fingers. I found that with his back turned, I didn't feel so shy. _He can't see me..._ I giggled softly, and reached around him and grabbed his dick again, startling a gasp out of his mouth.

"Babe, not again..." he laughed, and spun around to let the water wash off of me. I giggled and looked up at him again. "You're cute all wet." He said, and I bit my lip softly. "Come on, let's get out and feed that tummy of yours. I'm glad you're eating more." He said turning around and cutting the water off. I was sad that we had to get out so soon, I was enjoying our shower.

We got out, and took our time getting dressed. I pulled my clothes on rather fast, and watched as Mike did the same. He unlocked the bathroom, and we got out of the bathroom. I led Mike to the kitchen where... my mom sat, talking on the phone. Jake sat at the table with an awkward look on his face, while playing on his phone.

"I don't care Carter! He's a piece of shit and he's not coming back." Mom said harshly. "He abused my son!" Mom said sharply. "I'm not letting that damn bastard back in my house. I pay for it, not him. I don't care what you say. He's not coming back." My mom snapped, and I bit my lip.

Uncle Carter had always tried to soothe things over with my parents. I appreciated his efforts, but even though I missed my dad, I didn't want him to come back. That was one thing I wanted before, my daddy back, but after meeting Mike and realizing that I wasn't that bad of a person—sure, I've got some problems, but everyone does. Sure, I'm sad, and feel alone... but everyone feels alone sometimes.

At first, I thought I was suffering alone, but I realized that sometimes, everyone really does have problems. Everyone might not have my problems, but I don't have everyone else's problems either. We are all struggling to survive.

We all have to coexist, miserable or not.

I sighed and pulled Mike to the other counter and grabbed a pack of pop-tarts. "I love pop-tarts." I whispered to Mike, who smiled and opened the pop-tarts for us.

"Carter, it doesn't matter what you say," Mom snapped. "I'm not taking Him back. No, no, I'm not going to risk that sorry son of a bitch hurting my son again. And I'm sorry, I just... can't." My mom said, and hung up. She picked up a tissue and dabbed her eyes a little, then turned around to me. "Sorry baby, don't worry about that, you know Uncle Carter, always sticking his nose where it doesn't belong." My mom said, and kissed my forehead. "I'm going to bed, you boys be safe. If you have anyone else over, please keep them quiet. I've been up working all night, and I'm exhausted." My mom said softly, and I nodded.

"Okay mommy, sleep well." I said and she smiled.

"Sleep well, Mrs. Vincent," Mike said, and she nodded, and walked off up the stairs. "You're mom looks really tired," Mike said and I nodded.

"She works most nights at the office, not really sure where she works, honestly. She always just calls it the office. And I know she works a lot. This is how it typically is all the time." I said, and he smiled sadly.

"Your mom is fucking crazy." Jake said, not taking his eyes off his phone. "I mean, I thought it was weird how she asked Mike if he was gonna rape you... no, I'm officially scared shitless of your mom. She told that Carter guy if he didn't stop it, she was going to run him over with her car twice. Then she said 'My son is my life, and you're asshole brother fucked with him. He's lucky he still has balls.'" He said and I liked to have died.

"Wow..." I said softly, and bit my lip.

"Yup, so is it cool if Scottie comes over?" Jake asked, and I shrugged. "Cool, I'll tell him to choke on my dick if he gets too loud. Don't want to wake your mom up, she's scary."

I laughed and looked away from Jake blushing. I'd actually swallowed Mike's dick pretty well last night, but I didn't know about Scotties dick sucking skills. I'd assumed he'd probably be pretty good at it, but that's not really something you just ask someone. It'd be one, really embarrassing coming from me—the silent boy. Two, he'd be awkward about it, knowing my luck. Three, well... you don't just ask that kind of stuff.

Mike took a big bite of pop-tart and then turned to me. "You look sexy as hell, babe." He said in my ear, and I blushed.

God, will I ever get used to this?

No, you never will... but you'll grow to love it. You will grow to appreciate the compliments, and not be embarrassed by them. You'll learn to enjoy them, even... and that's okay, because that is completely normal.

# Α ℓσνєℓу мєѕѕ

Jake sat across from me, Mike sat beside me, and Scottie sat, his head down on the table in front of him. We'd huddled up in front of the school. Scottie told us he'd had a hard time sleeping last night, he'd said, and we didn't question it.

Scottie looked about half dead when he raised his head, and he just leaned over on Jake, closing his eyes and sighing deeply. "Remind me again why you smell so good?" he murmured to Jake, and Jake chuckled, smiling a little, almost bashfully.

"Because I shower?" he asked in a snarky tone, and Scottie nodded, keeping his head on his shoulder. "So why couldn't you sleep?" Jake asked in a sweeter voice.

"It's the time difference." Scottie explained, his eyes remaining tightly shut. "It's like, night where I used to live right now. I've not been here long enough to adjust to the time difference yet, so I'm going to be a zombie."

"Ah..." Jake said. "Well its Friday, so Ash is of course, throwing a sleep over at his house. You're lucky you left last night, because those two ended up sexing it up, and I could hear it across the hall." Jake complained, and I blushed.

"We didn't have sex." Mike said, pushing the hair out of my eyes, and kissing my nose softly. "We're waiting until the right time. And, you didn't try to peek?" Mike asked him sarcastically. Jake actually _blushed_ under the accusation, and I found it adorable that he was so shy around Scottie.

"Mike, lay off the teasing," I whispered softly to him, and he cut his eyes to mine. I looked to Jake, and then glanced at Scottie, and back again, trying to tell him what was up. He made an O shape with his mouth.

"So, you're coming tonight, right?" Mike asked Scottie, and Scottie nodded, his eyes remaining shut. "Cool. It'll be weird having someone else in the room at night. I don't know, maybe Jake and you can share the guest room." Mike suggested. Jake smiled and shook his head yes quickly, but then opted for the cooler answer.

"S'fine by me," he said, trying to play it cool. A giggle escaped my mouth before I could help it.

"Sounds cool," Scottie said softly. "Just needn't think you're getting ass tonight, dude." He said snarky as ever. I laughed, and Jake pouted. "I can feel you pouting. Dude, really?" he asked, his eyes still shut.

Jake didn't know what to say, but I found that they were a nice contrast of personalities. Jake was quieter, while Scottie was like a walking megaphone. Jake found more comfort in the silence, whereas Scottie was a loud mess. Jake seemed to calm Scottie down some, though. Scottie seemed to make Jake feel something other than frustration, and that is a good thing. Jake's frustration seemed to come out in a different way, one that most people took for 'psycho' and 'creepy' however I saw that Jake had a little bit bigger of a heart than any of us saw.

I mean, sure, he's crude, quiet when he's not being crude, and seemingly crazy; he's still... a sweetheart. He still is capable of being speechless, of blushing, and of being shy around someone he likes. He's still... human on the inside.

I knew that there were two sides to Jake, I just didn't know if the other side was worse than the one he projected typically. I found that he was rather... sweet when he wasn't pretending he didn't have feelings. I knew why he was pretending to be heartless, though. I understood it. Whereas Mike's and I's mental issues are not able to be seen—most people wouldn't even know we had it—Jakes wasn't.

Jake's mental illness was worn on his sleeve, and I knew if he showed any signs of weakness, he'd probably be eaten alive out here, in the cold world.

Scottie seemed to be the only person here that didn't really care much about what Jake had, and I found that was incredibly sweet. Jake was fragile in a way, he'd never let anyone see that though... I had a feeling Scottie would see it, somehow. It was... like Scottie had been sent here _for_ Jake.

"Hey." Rhys said, as he plopped down on the bench. "I got the email sent. He opened it and went to the website. Should be able to hack into his computer now," he said, and Scottie nodded, not opening his eyes. "Is he sick or something?" he asked, and Jake pushed the hair out of Scotties eyes softly, before shaking his head no.

"I think he's sleeping a little before class, actually," Jake said, and Rhys nodded. "He's adorable when he's sleeping..." Jake murmured. I awed loudly, and Jake cut his eyes to me. "Shh..." he said softly, and I nodded.

"Sorry, didn't mean to be so loud." I said a little louder than normal, and then I blushed when everyone's eyes, including Scotties moved to me.

"Damn, I finally can actually hear your voice!" Scottie said, and I blushed. "It's cute, you ought to use it more often." I buried my face in Mike's chest, and Scottie giggled.

"So," Mike said, his arm wrapping around me comfortingly. "We all going to sleep over at Ash's tonight, right?" he asked, and Jake nodded, then Scottie nodded. "Sweet, alright, let's go get to class. Don't want to get detention for skipping classes."

"We should go hang out at the football field," Scottie said softly. "I have a couple joints in my backpack; we could all share them and get high."

"I'm down!" Jake said without hesitation.

"I can, but only is Ashy is okay with it," Mike said. I blushed, and shrugged.

"I've never..." I trailed off.

"You'll like it." Mike whispered, and I shrugged then.

"Okay, let's go..." I said, hesitance clear in my voice. I've never done drugs, but something about it... didn't sound too bad. Scottie is really cool, and he seems happy a lot, maybe that's why?

"It's just weed, right?" Mike asked as we walked and Scottie nodded.

"My brother Gavin grows it, I typically always have some." He said, and Mike shrugged a little, seemingly nervous too. His hand found mine, and squeezed it. I giggled and kissed his cheek softly. "I know he wouldn't lace it, he's careful about that stuff, especially with me."

"Alright, that's good then." Mike said, kissing my head softly.

Scottie led us to a spot on the field that you couldn't really see from the school, and we all sat down on the grass. Scottie pulled out the joints, and then a lighter. He lit it up, pulling in a deep breath, and breathing out. He passed it to Jake and Jake took a hit easily. Mike took it next, even though that kind of broke the circle. He then handed it to me, and I took a little hit, and started coughing a little. Mike smiled, and watched as I tried again, this time not coughing as soon. I handed it to Scottie, and he smiled.

We continued passing it around, until the joint was gone, and we were all laughing like crazy when it was all said and done.

"So one time..." I said between giggles, "I was hanging out at my cousins' house for the week, and my cousin was playing with a duck. But the duck decided to chase my cousin, so it ended up..." I said. "It ended up being to where my aunt was yelling 'JASON' at the top of her lungs, holding a kitchen spoon, swinging it at the duck, while Jason ran around."

Everything around me seemed a lot prettier, more vibrant and full of life. I could see beauty in everything. The sun, it was bright, but it shone down in a way that was just... amazing today. The flowers were blossoming and vibrantly coloured all different colours of the rainbow. The birds were chirping, loud and proud, their songs more beautiful than anything.

Everyone started laughing, and I giggled along with them. I found that being high wasn't... bad at all. It's kind of freeing. I don't feel like I've got problems right now, at all. Everything is... just better.

Mike pulled me down and I laid beside him, kissing him softly, giggling into his mouth. We laid there for a while, and I giggled a lot—everything seemed a lot less serious. "Mikey?" I giggled out.

"Yes baby?" he whispered, and I giggled.

"You're the handsomest ever!" I said and pressed my lips against his softly. "Like, I see you a lot. And I've never really told you, but you like, make me really horny and like..." I said, giggling. "I always kind of thought you were cute, but like now? Whew. And then like that shower this morning? Everything was like... awesome." I said.

"I think that's the most you've ever said to me," Mike said, and I giggled happily. "You're really different, Ashy."

"Bad different?" I giggled.

"No, good different," he admitted. "You come out of your shell a decent amount when you're high." He said and I giggled.

"SCOTTIE," I shouted, and he jumped, and then giggled at me.

"What?" he asked and I shrugged, while giggling.

"I.... forgot what I wanted." I said, and giggled. He giggled, and poked my nose.

"You're adorable." He said, and I blushed and giggled a little, smiling.

"You're like, really hot." I giggled, and made myself comfortable in Mike's arms. "MIKEY!" I shouted, and kissed him softly before he could respond.

"Yes, babe?" he said, and I giggled.

"You look really pretty in the sun," I giggled. "Like, the sun is making you kind of have a godly glow, right now." I giggled, and he smiled a little, and kissed me softly.

"I love you, babe." He said, and I giggled again.

"I think I love you too." I giggled. "Hey!" I said loudly and Scottie shushed me, and giggled. "I'm hungry. Let's go home." I said, and Mike laughed.

"Are you sure? That's a whole day of school you're missing, and you have perfect attendance." He asked, and I giggled.

"I'm positive! Let's go!" I giggled, and stood up. I looped arms with Scottie, and practically dragged him along behind me, giggling and skipping. Scottie started skipping beside me, and we giggled. Mike and Jake seemed to follow behind us, less elated, but laughing at us, also. Mike opened the door to his car, and I hopped in the passenger seat.

He drove us home, slowly, but surely. When we got there, I jumped out of the car and skipped up to the door and unlocked it. "My mom's in bed!" I giggled, and Mike nodded. "Get some chips, Mikey!" I commanded him, and he laughed, nodding and going to get them. "Let's go in my room!" I said, and Scottie and Jake followed me up the stairs and to my room.

I giggled, and we sat down on the bed. "Let's play spin the bottle!" Scottie suggested when Mike got back. Mike shrugged, indifferent.

"Let's do it!" I said excitedly, and Mike laughed. "What?" I asked, and he laughed again.

"You're fucking cute, that's what." Mike said, and I giggled and kissed him.

"Okay, do you have a bottle?" Scottie asked, and I grabbed a bottle of lotion.

"This work?" I asked, and he nodded.

"So, I'm gonna spin the bottle whoever it lands on, has to kiss me. You guys know how this works, right?" he asked, and Mike and Jake nodded. I shrugged, indifferent. He spun the bottle, and it landed between Jake and I. After and examination, he determined it was closer to Jake, so Jake ended up with a mouth full of Scottie's tongue. Jake didn't seem to mind, though, and I giggled. It was cute, how Jake seemed to be happy that he was getting a kiss. Jake spun the bottle next, and it landed on Mike.

"Oooooh..." I giggled, watching Mike and Jake move up to kiss. Mike and Jake fought for dominance, and it was kind of hot, honestly, watching the two muscular guys kiss. "Hot!" I giggled when they pulled back, and Mike _and_ Jake blushed.

Mike spun the bottle, and it landed on little old me. I giggled, and kissed Mike easily. My hands went to his hair, and I tugged it, moaning softly as his hands wandered a little.

I pulled back, and licked my lips softly. "My turn!" I said excitedly, and spun the bottle. The bottle landed on Jake, and I blushed brightly before I kissed him softly. Jake laughed when we pulled back, and I just shrugged a little. Jake spun, and it landed on Mike again.

"Jeez, if I wanted to kiss muscular guys, I'd go hit on Rice pants at school," Jake teased, and I giggled, watching as Mike and Jake kissed again softly. Mike spun, and it landed on Scottie, this time. Mike merely pressed a chaste kiss to his lips, and then kissed me softly.

"Sorry Scottie, you're hot, but Ashy has my heart." Mike teased, and Scottie giggled and shrugged. Scottie spun, and it landed on me. I giggled and Scottie kissed me. Our lips moved together easily, and I reached up and took his hair in my hands, pulling it a little, suddenly aware of how horny I was.

I looked over at Mike, and he shrugged, seemingly enjoying the sight. I giggled and looked back at Scottie. He connected our lips again, and I mewled into his mouth. His hands went to my hips, and I let myself sink into his kiss. I found myself in Scotties lap, his fingers played with the soft skin of my hips.

I cut my eyes to Mike, who was watching us with intense eyes. I giggled, and ran my fingers through Scotties longer hair kissing him a little bit more. We eventually pulled back, and I sat down in Mike's lap, kissing his neck softly.

"Damn, man..." Jake said, "You two are sexy as hell."

"Yeah, I thought I might be jealous of you kissing Scottie, because I wanted to pummel Jake for kissing you, but it was kind of sexy." Mike said, and I giggled and kissed Mike.

"Hey, we can keep going," Scottie teased, and winked at me. I blushed and giggled shyly.

"I didn't say stop," Mike teased, and I giggled and pressed a little kiss to Mike's lips. "Okay, so what are we gonna do now?" he asked, and I shrugged.

"I'm content just making out." I said pressing kiss to his lips softly.

Mike laughed and pressed his lips against mine. I laughed and looked over to see Jake sitting at the foot of my bed, back against the wall with a lap full of Scottie, who was moaning quietly, and mumbling something about not getting his hopes up, he wasn't getting any ass. Jake's hands were trailing down Scotties sides, very close to his ass, and I giggled and turned to Mike.

I lay on my back and pulled Mike on top of me, our eyes locked together, and I noticed how they seemed to be brighter. I noticed that Mike's nose had a little bump on it, where he'd broken it one time or another, and I found that it was enchanting—I wanted to know about what happened, I found. I giggled, and stared up into his eyes. _Is he going to kiss me or not?_ I thought just as he started to lean down and press his lips against mine.

Our lips moved together ravenously, and I found myself moving against him sultrily, our bodies rubbing together in what felt like the most sensual, erotic way ever. A mewl tore from my throat as we touched, our lips moving together as though they were meant to touch. The longer the kiss lasted the more my brain turned to mush and all I wanted was to touch him. My hands gripped his shoulders as the intoxicating feeling washed over me. I loved the way our bodies meshed together; his body seemed to press against me in a wonderful way.

I giggled and pulled away from his lips to look into his eyes. Mike smiled softly down at me, and I blushed, happy. "I love you," Mike whispered, and rested down on top of me. I felt his erection against my leg, but he didn't push for sex. I was glad that he didn't, because in a way, I knew I wasn't ready.

As selfish as it was, having sex with Jasper made me realize that if you aren't completely comfortable with the person that you are having sex with, you aren't enjoying it nearly as much. I found that everything with him was forced. I forced myself to react to his touch; I forced myself to enjoy it. With Mike, I liked that nothing ever really felt forced, and it was really amazing. Mike made me react in ways that Jasper never had achieved.

Jasper might have been my first crush, my first kiss, and he may have taken my virginity, but that didn't mean he was what was best for me. I regretted him, but on the other hand I didn't. If I had of never been with him, I would have wanted to be, still.

Mike could possibly be my first love, and I hoped he was. I really like Mike, I think I might love him too, but I didn't know yet. I knew that he made my heart beat fly through the roof, and he made my breath stop a minute, he made me giggle, he made me happy. I didn't know what else he could do, but he'd achieved what I'd thought was impossible... he made me genuinely smile.

I smiled a little, and buried my head in Mike's chest, a warm feeling in my chest. "I think I love you, too." I whispered, and closed my eyes, sleep taking over my body before I knew it.

# Тнє вℓαмє gαмє

Scottie tapped away on his computer, hacking into Jaspers computer easily. He'd gotten into it super easy, and he found the videos. He watched a minute or so of them, before sending them to himself via Bluetooth so it'd be untraceable. He then deleted them from Jaspers computer and went onto Jaspers Facebook.

"Dude, this guy is a real dick." Scottie said, reading through his messages. "I'm gonna blow the lid off his bullshit. He started a group chat with his fourteen new chat recipients, and then typed in a message. _Hello ladies, I realize that I've promptly tried to fuck you all, and everything I've said so far in the private messages is lies. None of you were ever special. I just fucked you because you were easy enough to trick. I know I'm a dick, but I don't care._ Scottie typed out, and pressed send. I giggled.

He then went to his Facebook page and started typing out a message as Jasper's message box filled with messages.

Hey you guys, it's Jasper. I know what you are thinking—what could I possibly have to make a status about other than fucking dumb shit? Well, this is not dumb. Here's the truth about me!

I'm a faggot—I fucked Asher Vincent. I also tricked him into a relationship with me, and beat him, a lot. I made fun of him for being a fag, too. I broke his heart. I secluded him. I told him he was worthless for anything other than a cum dump.

The best thing about Asher was how easy it was to make him dependent on me. I totally just had to say a couple words and he completely believed me. I knew he was depressed, and had severe anxiety. I knew his dad was abusive. I knew his mom was never home so she'd never notice. Well, I took complete advantage of him.

Yeah, I know... I'm a dick, aren't I? That's not all, either.

I took advantage of my popularity and looks, and I fucked—or at least tried to fuck the entire population of girls. When they finally gave in, I talked complete shit about them. I made fun of them, and I enjoyed every minute of it.

But the best part of me? When Asher got tired of being beaten, talked down to, and fucked over, and he broke up with me? I was going to show the entire school a sex video that Asher didn't agree to make—he didn't even know it was recorded. I know, I'm a dick right?

I don't care, guys. Come at me.

_Oh, and I fucked your sister_ _Carter Placer._ _I also fucked_ _Ace Porters_ _girlfriend. She begged for it harder, even kind of made fun of your dick size, Ace. Sorry dude. Your dick ain't got anything on mine. I slept with the supply teacher because I wanted to. I fucked_ _Sabrina Callawa_ _y's mom. Oh, and half the cheerleading squad sucked my dick—sorry fellas, you're girlfriends included._

Scottie typed, and then pressed post. I bit my lip and giggled. "How'd you know all of that stuff?" I asked.

"I've got friends of my own. Did a couple... in depth checks on him, and found out that, and more. You liked how I made it in his perspective, right? That was brilliant, now, he's ruined." Scottie said, and I giggled.

"Thanks Scottie," I whispered, looking over Mike and Jake who'd fallen asleep a little while ago. The weed we'd smoked had long since faded away, and we weren't high anymore, but I seemed to have an easier time talking to Scottie since I'd gotten high.

"No problem, Ash." He said, looking at me sweetly. "You're a good guy. You don't deserve to have that asshole doing you that way. If you ever want to get those videos, and show the world, I'll save em. It's got everything—well most of it, anyway." Scottie said.

"Thanks, Scottie." I whispered.

"You know, I'm not going to hurt you, right? I know you're like, really, really shy, but I'm your friend, and we'll be friends forever. Or until one of us dies—hopefully not anytime soon, though," he said.

I smiled. "Sure, Scottie." I said softly, and laid my head on his shoulder.

"So, Mike huh?" he asked me after a couple minutes of silence.

"Yep, he's amazing." I said, beaming.

"Good, he ought to treat you like a king. You've had shit luck. The important thing though, is that you don't take it to heart. You may be depressed, and you might not have the best luck, but you're alive. You're breathing, and you're lucky." Scottie said.

"I am lucky now." I whispered. "So you and Jake gonna go anywhere?" I asked hopefully.

"Maybe, I don't know. I'm not really one for cocky assholes." Scottie said softly.

"Jake is a good guy. He's not really cocky. Once you get closer to him, you'll understand it. I'm positive. There's a lot about him you don't know yet, just like me, and just like Mike. There are things that made Jake who he is. I see a happier Jake though, when you're around." I said to him, and he smiled.

"I think I like him," Scottie mumbled. "However, there are a lot of things he doesn't know about me, also. Things that he'd never understand, he couldn't understand them."

"I bet he'd understand them better than you'd think. Even if he didn't, though... you guys could work it out. I don't want to push you, but... Jake is a great guy. He's sweet, charming, charismatic, crude, loud at times, but mostly quiet." I explained.

"I know he is," Scottie eventually mused. "I just worry if my baggage is something he'd be able—or even willing to handle." Scottie said, and I laughed a little.

"He a tough cookie, Scottie," I said. "He'll protect you, he'll care about you, and he'll eat all your food, because that's Jake for you." I said, giggling quietly.

"I might just tease him a little more; see if he's worth pursuing. I know he's a good guy, and an amazing kisser. He doesn't have shit on you though," Scottie teased, and winked at me. I flushed red, and bit my lip softly. "Aw, see you're just damn adorable." He said, and I giggled. "I'd tap that ass if it was free."

I giggled and shrugged. Scottie pressed a kiss to my lips softly, and stood up. "Ash, I hope you're right about Jake." He said, and I smiled and nodded.

"I am," I said, confidently. I had never had the courage to do that, but... I did at this time. A lot had changed since the beginning of the school year, a lot changed for the better. I went and I crawled into bed beside Mike, getting comfortable.

Man, life is better than ever before.

Monday morning, I found myself sitting at the table with Scottie, Jake, and Mike. Word about Jaspers post had the entire school talking for once, and it was a huge deal.

Scottie hadn't stopped talking about how amazing it was since he did it. I think he really was proud for making a difference here. I found that everyone took my side in the argument. The teachers at the school had yet to question me, so I'd assumed that they'd not seen it yet.

"So like, the post has gotten more comments than any of his others have." Scottie said, bragging. "I'd be surprised if he even shows up to school. If he does, he's going to be pummelled." Scottie said, and I giggled. This entire thing had blown up way bigger than we'd ever expected it would, and honestly, it'd been kind of weird.

People we didn't even know was waving, and talking to us. They acted like they really cared, too. Mike and I had some random girl taking pictures of us kissing against my locker, and I had to admit, that was weird.

I'd missed being invisible, but then again... I didn't.

It was kind of nice to see Jasper getting downed and I felt like it was a long time coming.

"I bet he does, because he's thinking everyone believes he didn't do that stuff." Jake said, and I laughed again.

"I know for sure that half the football teams girlfriends got dumped, and the rest are the couples that just fuck really, so they don't care if their girlfriends are fucking other guys." Mike said.

"I know for sure that the LGBTQ-club was having a field day on the post. Half the school is in that club, you know? I never knew. But the club has been sharing, and adding me on Facebook since you posted it." I said, giggling softly. "Some of them are even trying to be friends with me."

Mike just laughed and kissed me softly. "I'm just glad that Jasper got put in his fucking place." Mike said, and pecked my nose softly. "You're gorgeous," he said, and I smiled.

"You're handsome." I admitted, and kissed him again. Mike bit my lip and I gasped, opening my mouth and his tongue slipped in. I giggled and closed my eyes, sinking into his touch.

"I know you had something to do with it," I heard, and my blood froze a second, before I turned around to see Jasper, with a hoodie on, covering his face and some sunglasses.

"I-I don't kn-know what you m-mean..." I said shyly, and he laughed. He's a sick bastard, I think venomously. I hate him so much... I can't believe I ever slept with him.

"Oh, Asher... you've won this round..." Jasper said, and I looked away from him. "You are guaranteed to not win the next." Jasper said.

"Excuse me, asshole. Are you threatening my boyfriend?" Mike snapped, and Jasper just turned to him with a grin.

"Oh Mike... it's not over yet." He said, and Mike slammed his fist into Jaspers nose. I gasped, and grabbed Mike's hand.

"Mikey! Are you okay?" I asked him, worriedly.

"I'm fine." He snapped, "Jasper, I'm gonna tell you once, buddy, and then we are really going to fight. You stay away from my baby, or I _will_ bury you."

"Is that a threat?" he asked, laughing a little.

"No, it's a promise." Mike said, and Jasper laughed.

"You're pathetic. All of you." He said, and walked away with his head held high and his dignity intact.

I turned to see Scottie and Jake staring at us. I giggled and shrugged. So what? Jasper hates me, I don't care. I don't like him anyway. He won't mess with me, especially now that I have the videos he was threatening me with. Mike sat down at the table, shaking his hand a little. "I knocked that fucker in the mouth," Mike said quietly, and I sat beside him, and took the hand he punched him with and kissed it softly. "I love you, Ash." He said, and I smiled softly.

"I love you too, Mikey." I whispered softly, and kissed him on the lips softly.

"If he tries to hurt you, Ash... you tell me." Mike said seriously, "I'm going to protect you, no matter what. If that mother fucker comes around acting like a dick—hell if he even breathes the same air as you, let me know. I'll really give him something to think about." Mike snapped, and I nodded, and kissed him softly again.

"I promise, Mikey." I said, and I meant it.

# συтѕι∂єяѕ

Mike smiled at me softly as we held hands, walking into Mrs Samantha's office. He kissed me softly, and then we walked up to the front desk. "Hello Mr Summers, Mr Vincent." The receptionist said, and signed us in.

"Thank you," Mike said, and we went over to the corner of the room, smiling and sat down in the seats. I laid my head over on his shoulder and we kept our hands laced together. Mike's thumb softly traced circles on the back of my hand, and I giggled a little.

Mike's hand fit perfectly in mine. I closed my eyes, and rested my head on Mike's shoulder and made myself comfortable. "I love you," Mike whispered, and I smiled.

"I love you too." I said softly. "We going to Sweet Treats after our appointments?" I asked, and he nodded.

"Of course, we always go, don't we?" Mike asked and I smiled.

"Yep, we do." I said, and cuddled up to his chest again.

"Asher Vincent?" the receptionist called, and I stood up and kissed Mike softly, giggling.

Mike smiled and waved at me as I walked to the receptionist. She led me to Mrs Samantha's room, and I walked into her office, and sat down on the couch. "Hello Asher, you look absolutely stunning today," Mrs Samantha said, and I smiled softly.

"Thank you, Mrs Sam!" I said.

"You look different!" she said, "You look happy." She corrected herself.

"I still have some down times," I admitted, "but they aren't as low as they were."

"Well that's good!" she said, and I smiled. "So what changed?"

"Mike and I got together." I said, and she smiled at me.

"I'm happy to hear that. Mike is a good guy, a real sweetheart." Mrs Samantha said.

"I know. I mean, I've not been this happy since... before my dad... yeah. But honestly, I've been kind of burying the bad stuff. Not hiding from it, just... not acknowledging it. I used to care about how my dad thought about me, but I realized that my dad was completely wrong, and I was beating the shit out of myself. I don't have to beat the shit out of myself, others do it for me." I said.

"You're right." She agreed.

"I still have trouble talking, honestly. I don't think that the self-consciousness is depression, though. I mean, I'm not sad, so it can't be, right?" I asked.

"It could be in relation to your anxiety." She said, looking thoughtful for a moment. "I can give you something for your anxiety to see if that clears up your problem, or if it is in relation to your depression. Maybe you just have a really low self-esteem."

"I could." I admitted.

"So what else?" she asked.

"I met this guy named Scottie, and I think him and Jake are going to end up together." I said, and she smiled a little. "I mean, nothing is for sure, however, Scottie seems to really like Jake, and I know that Jake is crazy about Scottie." I said. "I actually... played spin the bottle!" I said excitedly. "I kissed Jake! It was awkward. I didn't like it much, no offence to him." I said, and she laughed. "Mike and Jake kissed, too. I thought that was really hot! But Mike and Jake got all excited when Scottie and I kissed. They were all like 'you guys are sexy' and I blushed a lot, but like, it felt good to just hang out with my friends." I said.

"Well Asher I'm really proud that you are making strides. It's really good news." Mrs Samantha said. "So, do you have anything else you want to talk about?" she asked, and I shrugged.

"I don't really have anything else to talk about." I said shyly, and she smiled.

"That's good news—means you aren't as sad anymore." She said, and I nodded.

"I think I'm genuinely happy, Mrs Samantha." I said, and she smiled and tapped her desk.

"That's good news, keep being happy." She said, and I nodded.

"I'm planning on it." I said, and she laughed.

"Good." She said, and I stood up to leave.

I'd never been this satisfied with my life before, and believe it or not, I was fully planning on keeping it this way. I'd never felt this way, not... to this extreme. Mike smiled when he saw me come out early, and patted the seat next to him.

I sat beside him, and cuddled back into his side. "You're back early," he noted, and I nodded carefully.

"I didn't have a lot to talk about this week." I admitted. "I really only talked about depressing stuff with her before, so now... I'm all out of stuff to mention." I said.

"Ah, well that's good. I like the happier you. You're smile is attractive," he said gently, and I giggled.

"I like the happier me, too." I admitted, and we sat there in the silence. Things were just okay. I'd never wanted to just sit by someone, just soak up the attention, the time... I do now. He's completely changed me for the better, I think.

"Michael?" The receptionist called, and I giggled and waved off to him as he walked into the office.

Time seemed to slow down once Mike was gone. I didn't know really how much time had passed, but I know it felt like a long time. The clock ticked annoyingly slow, and I found that the longer he was gone, the more uncomfortable I was. _He's your support_ , I thought to myself.

He keeps me calm, and doesn't let me panic. He helps me find my voice when I don't think I can speak, and he holds my hand in his, leading the way in difficult situations.

_Tick tock... tick tock..._ time droned on. I didn't know what I was going to do in this time. _Tick tock tick tock the mouse ran up the clock..._ I giggled at the thought and looked away from the clock. I decided to pull out my phone and play with it while I waited since I had nothing better to do. I played fruit ninja saga while I waited. After I started playing, time seemed to go a lot faster, and within no time, Mike was waving his hand in front of my phone screen, making me jump.

"Hey," he said, and I smiled and stood up.

"Hiya..." I said softly, pressing a kiss to his cheek shyly, aware that other people in the office were looking at us. I'd seen them earlier, I'd known they were watching—I knew why they were watching now. It was overtly obvious. We were the only two guys in here cuddling, and holding hands.

"I missed you," he said, and I smiled, blushing a little and bit my lip.

"I missed you, too." I admitted, and he smiled at me sweetly before clasping my hand in his and leading me out of Mrs Samantha's office. He took me to his car and helped me in; I smiled shyly and looked over at him when he got in the car.

"So, sweet treats, right?" he asked, and I smiled and nodded.

"Yup," I agreed. As he drove, I fiddled around with the radio nervously, turning up the station, and then changing it several times. I giggled when A Part of Me by neckdeep came on.

He sighed deeply, and rolled down the window. "I can't believe you listen to this shit," he teased, and I blushed, shrugging a little.

"What do you suggest?" I asked, and he laughed.

"Why don't you listen to some Whitechapel or Killswitch Engage?" he asked, and I shrugged.

"I don't like screaming," I admitted, and he sighed again.

"Oh lord, if all I have to deal with to have you as a boyfriend is emo music, I'll deal with it, but I won't be happy about It." he said, and I smiled. The song changed, and Outsiders by Against the Current came on. I giggled and turned it up.

"Outside we're lonely but we are free. We're misfits, rebels, we're creeps and freaks. How come they've got it figured out  
While we're lost, waiting to be found. Maybe we need something different now. For every broken bone and every lie you've told. Every time you're lost and you can't find home...This is for the ones who always feel alone!!" the song blared, and I giggled, and tried to sing along with it a little bit shyly.

"Go on, babe. Sing away, I'd rather hear you than them anyway." He said, and I giggled and nodded.  
"We are outsiders...Living inside a broken world. We are outsiders, and I know sometimes it can hurt. But it gets better yeah we'll make it through. We'll stay golden when we're black and blue. We are outsiders, but we're not hiding anymore... This is who we really are!!!" I sang along, and poked him. "I know you know it sing along too!" I commanded, and he sighed and nodded.

"Fine but only..." he started but I cut him off.  
"Inside they talk about all their plans, must be nice to have someone light your path. But inside their hearts are breaking..." I sang lightly. He joined in after that.  
"'Cause they don't know what they're missing! Outside we're lonely but we are free! For every broken bone and every lie you've told... Every time you're lost and you can't find home. This is for the ones who always feel alone!" he sang out, and I giggled, watching him.

"I'm not singing this emo shit alone, babe." He said, and I giggled and nodded.

"We are outsiders. Living inside a broken world... We are outsiders, and I know sometimes it can hurt, but it gets better yeah we'll make it through. We'll stay golden when we're black and blue, we are outsiders. But we're not hiding anymore. This is who we really are!" we sang, and I couldn't help but notice how nice his voice was. How utterly attractive he looked when he was singing, and how sweet he was when he held my hand while doing all of the above.  
"For every broken bone and every lie you've told. Every time you're lost and you can't find home... This is for the ones who always feel alone!" the radio blared, and somewhere along the lines, I'd stopped singing, causing him to stop too.

I turned the radio down a little, and looked over at my boyfriend, and smiled. Calling Mike my boyfriend made me happy. It kind of made me feel like I belonged somewhere other than just... existing. He made me feel okay, and that was great. I loved it, honestly.

I was a little worried that watching him would freak him out but he didn't show any signs of it. I giggled and watched the way he bit his lip softly, looking thoughtful and slightly upset at the same time.

"Is something wrong?" I asked, and he laughed, shook his head no, and kissed my hand, all without looking away from the road.

"No babe, everything is... great." He said, and I giggled softly.

"I know what you mean there. Everything is great. I've never been this happy before." I said shyly, and he laughed, and poked my cheek softly when he came to a red-light.

"I love you, Ashy." Mike said, and I giggled a little.

"I think I love you too," I said softly, and kissed his cheek. A giggle escaped my mouth when he smiled at me, and I couldn't help but let a giant smile creep across my face easily. Man, Mike just makes me... happy.

# ωєιgнтℓєѕѕ

"So, Asher..." Mike said softly, playing with my fingers. I hummed, and looked over at him, taking my eyes off of the math notes I'd been taking. "I was wondering... would you like to go to prom with me?" Mike asked, and I laughed softly.

"I thought that we weren't really going," I said timidly, and he smiled a little. "Like, if you want to go, we will. I never thought about going, honestly." I said softly.

"I mean... I kind of just wanted to take you to prom, just to show you off..." Mike trailed off, and I laughed and kissed his hand softly.

"Then let's go to prom." I said easily, and he smiled.

"Okay, babe. Let's go." He said, and I giggled softly.

"Hey Mike?" I asked slowly, and he laughed, and nodded.

"What's up, handsome?" he asked, and I blushed.

"I was just wondering... why do you want to show me off?" I asked him shyly, and bit my lip. I was worried that it'd be out of line to ask, but he didn't seem upset by me asking.

"I just... I'm really proud of you. I mean, when we met, yet, I was flirtatious with you, but I never thought we'd end up together, you know? So now that I've got you, I want to do what Jasper wouldn't do. I want to hold your hand, and kiss you, and show you off... because I'm so damn glad I got you." He said, and I blushed and bit my lip. "I wasn't kidding when I said I love you, Ash. I know... we've only known each other a little while, but, in fear of sounding horribly cliché, I believe you... are the one for me." He said and I smiled brightly.

"Mikey..." I said softly, and leaned my head over on him. "I really... really care about you, Mike. I'm really grateful to have you. I've kinda... gotten really close to you, and I am scared about that, but I'm trying to not be. Sometimes things in my head get kinda twisted around, and I don't really know how to express what I'm feeling. Sometimes, I can't tell you exactly what I'm thinking, but, I really... do care about you." I said softly. He kissed my head, and I laughed softly.

"I really do want us to last forever." He said softly, and I found myself blushing, and kissing his cheek softly.

"I do too." I whispered shyly, and he smiled softly again.

We sat quietly in the library for a while, the smell of old books and leather was almost suffocating, abundant, but I'd grown to just ignore the slight sick feeling it made me feel. Mike never seemed particularly bothered by the smell, so I didn't want to complain, really.

I hate to complain about things out to people who don't care about it, and I sighed deeply, and wrote down the equation that I was working on. It was rather boring, and I found that I kept glancing at Mike, examining his skin under the fluorescent lights, and flushed brightly when he looked at me. I looked away from Mike and down at my book shyly.

"You're too cute," he said and I blushed.

"You're handsome." I said shyly, and started doodling on my paper. Mike laughed a little and poked my side playfully.

"You're bored." He said obviously, and I nodded bashfully.

"I don't like studying anymore," I admitted, and he smiled. "I guess I just figured out that sometimes things are a lot more fun than just sitting around here studying like a retard. We already know this stuff, so why are we even studying?" I asked, and he laughed.

"You said and I quote—Babe! Let's have a study date!" he said, and I sighed deeply, wishing I had never made the stupid idea in the first place.

"Well I take back that statement! Let's... go do something?" I said, and he sighed deeply.

"We can go see a movie? Or get some ice cream?" Mike offered, and I smiled and nodded.

"Ice cream it is!" I said happily, and stood up, and grabbed my stuff, putting it all in my backpack before easily slipping it onto my shoulder and watching as Mike copied my actions. He laughed at me when I tapped my foot impatiently, and wrapped his hand around mine. I smiled softly, and kissed his cheek.

Mike and I walked to his car, and he let me in. I smiled and watched as he got in, excited already for the date. "So, where are we going? Sweet treats or Swirling' swirls?" he asked, and I thought a second.

"Well, I'm in the swirling mood," I said with a smile.

"Swirling Swirls it is, then." He said with a smile, and I laughed and kissed his hand softly. "You're so sweet. I'm surprised that you haven't given me a cavity," he teased, and I giggled.

"I don't think sugar gives people cavities." I said playfully.

"Then come and give me some sugar," he said.

"You're driving, nimrod!" I said in a playful tone, and he laughed softly, and shook his head. "Oh, so you aren't driving?" I asked, and he laughed again.

"I won't be here in a few seconds..." he said softly, and I smiled a little bit. "So, no excuses when we get there."

"I never said I'd give you an excuse." I said playfully, and he laughed.

"Oh?" he asked, and I laughed softly.

"Yup." I said confidently, and he just poked my cheek.

"Okay," he said a few minutes later when we pulled into the parking lot of Swirling Swirls. He smiled and ran around to my side of the car and helped me out before shutting it behind me. He held my hand, gently running his thumb in tender circles.

The inside of Swirling Swirls was pretty over the top for an ice cream shop. There was titanium looking stuff all over the place, and a giant vanilla, strawberry and chocolate swirled together shining brightly in the middle. The floor was a white and purple mix, I guess to symbolize the fact that they had some weird purple ice cream—Mike said it was grape, but I refused to believe that the disgusting ice cream was actually flavoured after one of my favourite fruits.

_There's simply just no way..._ I thought as I stood in line beside Mike. Mike's arm wrapped around me, and I found myself blushing and sinking into his arms. Mike's a welcomed touch, honestly. There was something about him that... just made me really want to be touched.

The line in the ice cream shop was longer than I'd hoped, because it seemed to go on forever. The minutes ticked past, and I found that the longer we waited to more agitated I got. "Mikey..." I whined, and he laughed, and looked at me with his pretty blue eyes. Him laughing at me made me pout a little, and he just smiled.

"Yes, darling?" he asked, and I sighed dramatically.

"This line is taking forever!" I complained, and he nodded. "I can't believe this! This is a tragedy!" I exclaimed quietly, and he laughed at me.

"If you weren't cute, I don't know what I'd do." He said softly, and I laughed, and kissed his cheek softly.

"Aweeeeeee!" I heard from behind me, and I jumped, startled. I turned to see a girl standing behind us with her phone out, taking pictures.

"Erm..." I said shyly, and she jumped, and blushed when she saw we were both looking at her. She was a weird looking girl, all skin and bones, with long black hair, thick black eyeliner, and cherry red lips. Her clothes matched her hair, and she was pretty. Her blue eyes looked about the same colour as Mike's, and her hair was down passed her butt, which told me she had to take really good care of it, because it was gorgeous.

"Hi!" she said cheerily, once she got over them embarrassment of being caught taking pictures of us.

"Hello..." I said softly, edging back towards Mike.

"Hey." He said, and she smiled brightly.

"Sorry if I was being weird by taking your picture..." she said sweetly. "You just don't see many gay guys where I'm from, and I've always had like, the most ridiculous obsession with them."

"Erm... I guess it's okay..." I said, it sounded more like a question than an okay. "I mean... I'm not used to..." I stumbled over my words. Mike thankfully, realized I was struggling with my words and took over effortlessly.

"Its fine, I'm Mike. That's Asher. He's a little shy at first, but once you get to know him, he's great." Mike said suavely, and I blushed and waved at her shyly.

"I'm Peyton. Most people just call me Pey, though." She said, and I smiled a little bit, still creeped out by her taking pictures of us being all cute and romantic.

"It's nice to meet you," Mike said, and she nodded.

"Maybe we'll see each other around, or something," she said, and I flushed, and internally prayed we never did.

"So what were you photographing us for?" Mike asked her as we moved forward in the line.

"I'm doing a paper on the cutest relationships, and I'll I've gotten so far is a couple of straight couples shoving tongues down each-others' throats disgustingly far." She said, and Mike nodded. "You guys were just too cute; I couldn't not take pictures. Would you mind if I asked you a couple questions?" she asked, and Mike bit his lip and looked to me.

"I guess so," I mumbled softly, and she smiled hugely.

"Thank you guys so, so, so, so much!" she said, and I blushed, pushing myself closer to Mike again. I really hope that she doesn't ask many intimate questions—preferably none at all—and I'll be able to make it through this because I have a hard enough time talking to people I know... much less a complete stranger who was just taking pictures of me kissing my boyfriend without my permission.

A sigh left my lips before I could help it, and we finally reached the counter like ten minutes later, and I looked over what they were offering. "I'll pay," The girl, Peyton said, and I looked at Mike who nodded, and looked back at her.

"Are you sure?" he asked.

"Yep." She said, and I sighed, and got a vanilla cone dipped in chocolate. Mike ordered a strawberry cone, dipped in chocolate and I giggled at the similarities.

"I'll just have a vanilla cone." She said simply, and the girl behind the counter ran around getting our cone.

"I'm sorry about the wait, y'all. I know it's a long line, but the other people who were supposed to work haven't shown up yet." The girl said as she handed us our ice cream cones. Peyton tipped her well, and nodded at her.

"It's quite alright, I understand the pain." She said, and the girl smiled thankfully, and we all walked away. Mike led me to a window seat, and I giggled when he put his arm over the back of the seat behind me, and licked his ice cream cone.

"Here, want a bite?" he asked, after taking a bite of it, and I giggled and took the bite careful not to get any on my clothes. I took a bite of mine, and offered him a bite too. "Yummy," he teased, and I giggled. I noticed that Peyton was taking pictures again, and I blushed, and looked away from Mike shyly.

"So what's these questions you wanted to ask?" he asked.

"Well, just basic questions, really. Where did you two meet? How long have you been together? That kind of stuff," she explained.

"Alright, let's do this." Mike said. "Hopefully you don't mind that I answer these, Ash is a little timid around new people."

"Pshh... totally fine." She said easily. "So, how did you two meet?" she asked first and Mike looked softly over at me, and I blushed, when I saw the look in his eyes.

"I talked to him first," he admitted, "we met in a psychiatrist's office." He said. "I'd been seeing her for a long time, and when this cutie walked into the office, I was stunned. I walked over to flirt with him. Of course, he was with someone else, but we ended up together anyway." Mike said, and she nodded, tapping away at her phone.

"Sorry, taking all this down in the notepad on my phone since I didn't bring my laptop." She explained, and I shrugged. "Did you make the first move, or did Asher?" she asked.

"I did," Mike admitted. "I kissed him when I spent the night at his house." Mike said, and she laughed softly.

"Alright, so which of you two is the top of the relationship?" she asked, and I flushed red, looking down at the table.

"I am." Mike said, and glanced at me.

"Alright. You look more on the toppish side anyway, I just wanted to make sure. So, you two have been together how long?" she asked.

"We've known each other three months," he said, "been together about a week, I think?" he asked, glancing at me, and I held up two fingers. "Two weeks, sorry." He said, and I giggled a little bit, shyly.

"You two are really cute together." She said easily, and I blushed, playing with Mikes fingers while I ate my ice cream silently. "Alright, so if you'd like to read the report I make, here's my email. I might can get you seats to see it in person, if you'd like," she said, and I took the paper, and handed it to Mike.

"Okay, thanks Peyton," Mike said, and I flushed looking down at my hands, and then up to Mike when she'd left. "That was weird," he said, and I shrugged.

"Really weird." I agreed, and he laughed a little.

"Well, at least it was interesting?" he asked.

"Hardly!" I said softly. "I was so awkward!"

"Awkward and you is cute, so it's okay." He said, and kissed my nose softly.

"She really was weird though!" I said, and he sighed, licking his ice cream. Something really didn't feel right about her... I couldn't put my finger on it, but Peyton had made me slightly uncomfortable, and I knew there was a reason behind it—some reason, I just don't know what yet.

I had a feeling I'd know soon enough, though.

# Нαя∂єя тσ вяєαтнє

I let out a little sigh, and looked around Mike's apartment proudly. Mike had left me here about an hour ago to get popcorn, drinks, and a couple movies for us to watch. He'd been highly suspicious as to why I wanted to be alone in his apartment, but I'd been planning this for a couple days.

Since meeting Mike, I'd completely changed. I started out vulnerable, shy, without a voice, and now I am strong with him, I'm shy still, but he helps with that feeling well, and he is my voice. Sure, its not the most amazing setup, but we made it work simply, and without error.

I had decided that Mike and I were ready. Mike had been ready since we'd gotten together, however I needed to breathe a little. I wanted to make it special, I wanted it to be a surprize, and I wanted him to love it. He might not be into this, but... I hope he is. I wanted to have him inside me, I wanted to be one with him.

Mike probably has no idea of what I'm planning, however, I have it all planned out. Mike is gone now, I figured I'd have more confidence if I got ready before I presented the idea to him. He'd been really patient, and I found that I really didn't want to wait with him.

I sighed and looked into Mike's mirror, sighing deeply. I'd taken a shower, and brushed my teeth, and pulled on one of Mike's huge tees, and pulled on the pair of underwear I'd brought with me. I sighed and glanced down at the brand new socks I'd bought, sighing deeply and looking over them. They'd come up to my thighs, and they'd be just high enough to keep his attention on my legs. I had spent thirty minutes in the store looking at all different types of things to draw attention to my legs, and this pair of socks caught my eyes immediately.

Mike would love them, I knew. They were light green, and soft, showing off my thin legs. If someone was to ask me what about my body I was most happy with, before I met Mike, I'd probably said nothing... but now? My legs. He loved my legs, he said. He made it a habit to always grip them when we're making out, and it turned me on to a point I couldn't explain. The green was the same colour of my eyes, and he'd also said he liked my eye colour, hence the socks matching. I hoped that he found that this was sexy, and he'd be able to respond to me.

I stared at myself, thankful for once of my nearly hairless legs. Seeing as how I'd always wanted nothing more than to be manly, and "guyish" I'd always found that my legs being so hairless was annoying, and embarrassing, but this time, I felt like them being hairless kind of tied together the look I was going for. I mean, I was hoping to, in a way, seduce my boyfriend, and I wanted to turn him on to the max, not just a little bit. So, I bit my lip, and stared at myself hard in the mirror some more.

I'd not bothered messing with my hair much, I knew he liked it, so I didn't want to take away something he liked about me. Looking at myself in the mirror, I found that instead of feeling awkward and out of place, I felt a little bit more confident than usual. I found that even though I didn't look masculine at all, I looked _hot_ right now.

I felt more myself than I ever had before, and I was getting ready to seduce my boyfriend. I giggled softly, and pulled the hem of the shirt down some, loving the way it made my skin look lighter. With a little smile, I combed my hair a little bit, and brushed my teeth again, and walked out into the living room to wait on Mike. Slight nerves were coming on now, because I knew it was getting closer to the time that he'd be here.

Apparently I'd decided the time perfectly, because just as I got comfortable, and hopefully looking sexy, I heard Mike's keys in the lock. When he opened the door up, and came in, he stopped as soon as his eyes landed on me. His breathing seemed to cease, and his eyes just scanned my body, assessing the situation.

My body felt hot under his eyes, burning lightly beneath the fabric of my clothes, and I fought back a blush, looking back at him heatedly. "Damn," he whispered softly, and I bit my lip, forcing back a smile. "You look amazing," he finally said, and I giggled softly.

"Thanks Mikey." I said, and patted the seat next to me. He smiled a little, and sat next to me. I put my hand on his shoulder and kissed his cheek softly. "So what movies did you get us?" I asked him, and he smiled a little.

"I got Fast and Furious 7 and Gone in 60 Seconds." He said, and I smiled softly, and nodded. "Which one you, uhm, want to watch first?" he asked, his eyes trailing over my legs slowly, stopping at the bare skin barely showing between my socks and Mike's tee.

"Let's watch Fast and Furious 7, Vin Diesel turns me on," I said, and he laughed softly, and kissed me on the forehead. "Do you want me to put it in?" I asked with a little smirk.

"Uhm... sure?" he asked me nervously. I giggled and stood up and walked to the TV. I bent over to get to the DVD player, and put it in, making sure the shirt came up a little bit in the back so that the edge of my ass was visible. "Fuck..." I heard him mumble, and I fought back a little laugh as I bent over a little more. I pressed play finally, after drawing out the process as long as I could.

I walked back over to him, and cuddled up to his side. "I see you showered," he said to me, and I nodded. "You smell... really, really good." He said softly, and I blushed and kissed his cheek softly.

"I smell just like you," I said with a wink. Mike wrapped his arm around me and I cuddled into his side, and let myself get comfortable.

The movie played in front of us, but I wasn't paying attention to it, not at all. My entire body was focused on Mike, and I couldn't take my attention off him for a minute, much less long enough to watch the movie.

About half way through the first scene of the movie, Mike's hand came to my thigh and massaged the soft skin peeking out from the socks and the shirt. His hand was warm, fire-like, against my cool skin. His hand settled there, and he seemed to be nervous, however he gently trailed it up my thigh.

I let out a moan, and opened my legs more. Mike's eyes shot to mine quickly, asking the unspoken question with his eyes instead of his voice, and I just nodded softly. Mike's hand gripped my thigh harder, and then let go, pulling me over into his lap. My legs spilt, and I straddled his legs easily, moaning softly.

Mike's lips dominated mine, and I didn't fight back, just letting him control the kiss. My hands went to his hair, and I threaded my fingers through his hair, my tongue playing with his easily. Mike's hands were on my hips, and his lips started trailing down my neck. A little moan escaped out my throat, and he started sucking on my neck softly.

"Mmmm..." I moaned, and tugged at his hair. His teeth bit into my neck, and I gasped, my eyes slipping shut. Mike moved his hand down and they massaged my thighs, before slipping up under the shirt, and I whimpered when I felt his hands on my stomach.

His lips came back up to my lips, and our lips moved together easily, his teeth pulled my lip, and I opened my mouth enough to let his tongue back into my mouth. I didn't have a chance after that, he dominated the kiss easily. I just let his tongue explore my mouth, and he ravished every corner of my mouth.

I opened my legs more, and scooted forward on his lap. I couldn't help it as I grinded against his chest a little bit, looking for friction against my pulsing member. I felt his rigid length against my ass and I started pushing up his shirt. I panted and pulled back long enough to take it off of him. A moan escaped my mouth as we kissed passionately.

Mike picked me up and carried me over to his bed. He sat me down on the bed, and I pulled the shirt over my head. He looked at my me, his eyes burning against my skin as though it was a touch. I couldn't help but whimper, and crawl backwards on the bed, beckoning him with my eyes. He got on the bed, and dropped his body on top of mine, and I moaned when I felt his dick brushing against mine. I wanted him to take his pants off more than anything.

Mike looked down at me, and I flushed brightly as our chests touched, a shock of electricity shot down my spine at the feeling, and I moaned, my head thrown back, and Mike kissed my neck softly. He moved down my body, trailing kisses all the way down, and I moaned quietly.

Mike reached his hand down and started softly rubbing me through my underwear, and I moaned loudly, pushing my groin into his hand easily. He slipped his hand into my underwear and I moaned, feeling his fingers ghost against my leaking member. Moans left my mouth while he played with me, softly running his hand over me, and I could feel my skin burning.

Finally, after what felt like forever he slipped his fingers into the waistband of my underwear and pulled them off me. I blushed when he looked over my body, and I couldn't help having the urge to cover my dick up with my hands, though I fought it. He stared over my body for a long time, as if he was writing me to memory, before he unbuttoned his pants and slipped them off. He then laid on top of me, and our members nearly touched.

My entire body was focused on his, and I couldn't help but push my hips up into his. I grinded us together, his hips moving into mine, and I moaned. Noises wouldn't stop coming out of my mouth, and I couldn't wait to feel him inside me.

I frantically pushed his boxers down and he pushed them down his legs and threw them somewhere into the room. My entire body burned to be touched, and he was doing just that.

Our lips touched again, and his hand slid between us, and wrapped around our dicks together. I moaned, loving feeling his dick against mine. He continued working us together, and his other hand came up to play with my nipples easily, pinching them softly. I mewled, throwing my head back.

Nothing was going fast, and I was stuck between wanting to complain and wanting nothing more than to just keep the sweetness up. His fingers found their way down to my asshole, and I felt him teasing my hole with his fingers. A groan escaped my mouth, and I heard him panting while still rubbing us together. He was working us both up to what would probably be the most amazing orgasm we'd ever had.

I tensed a little when he slipped the tip of his finger in, and forced myself to relax. I knew that once he got himself deep inside me, it'd feel amazing to have him so deep inside me. I moaned once he worked his finger in me, his finger found my prostate easily, and he pushed on it softly, before pulling out long enough to add a second.

A moan escaped my mouth and he continued moving his fingers in and out of me, driving me crazy. I whimpered every time he moved his fingers in me, and honestly, it was driving me crazy. All I wanted was his dick inside me. "Mikey..." I whined out, and he pulled his fingers out of me, and I let out a cry, hating how empty I felt.

"I want to..." he managed to get out, and I nodded, and felt his dick pressing against my asshole. I moaned softly, and felt him pushing in. I moaned, biting my lip as I felt a little bit of pain as he went into me. He was slow, passionate as he pushed into me. When I felt his hips against my ass, I moaned. "Fuck..." he said hotly against my ear, and I moaned again, moving my hips a little bit when I felt like I was comfortable.

His member hit my prostate and I moaned loudly, and gripped his shoulders hard, my nails digging into his shoulders. He moved slowly, our hips moving, together. He groaned, and moved a little faster into me. His head kept hitting my prostate and I was quickly falling apart.

I grabbed a hold of him, and I moaned and shifted us around, getting on top of him. I settled on his lap, his dick in my ass as deep as it'd go and I found that this position felt ten times better than the previous. I moaned softly, and wiggled my hips. "FUCK!" Mike snapped, and he sat up before I knew what was happening.

His hands held my hips, and I let myself sink into his arms, letting him control what I was doing. I moved my hips on his, my head resting on his shoulder as I did it, moaning loudly. I looked up into Mike's face, and he was beautiful, his blonde hair was matted to his forehead.

We didn't last much longer, he came before I did, but when we came, it felt like my entire world was falling apart. I cried out his name, and my body tensed, I gripped his shoulders holding onto him.

I collapsed against him, and he laid back against the bed, and I cuddled up to him. He kissed my forehead and I blushed after everything. He wrapped his arms around me, our sweaty bodies connected and I found that I didn't mind the sweat coating us, I simply fell into a deep sleep, comforted by his warmth.

When I woke up, I was alone in the bed, but I smelled eggs in the kitchen so I knew Mike was here. I groaned when I sat up on the bed, and grabbed a hold of my lower back, pain shooting up my spine angrily.

I got up, and put on Mike's tee that I found lying on the floor where I'd discarded it last night, and walked into the living room. Mike was standing in the small kitchen, in his boxers, dancing around while singing Hotel California into a cooking utensil, and I couldn't help but laugh, and he jumped and turned to me shocked.

"Sorry, I didn't hear you wake up," he said, and I shrugged and walked into the kitchen and he wrapped his arms around me, and kissed my neck softly. I giggled, and turned my head to the side and let his lips play with my neck softly. "Ash..." Mike whispered softly against my neck, and I flushed, and played with the hem of the shirt.

"Yes?" I asked, and he laughed softly, and kissed my neck again.

"Last night was... amazing." He said, and I giggled, and looked around the room shyly. "I mean that, babe. It... really was. I wouldn't have done anything differently." He said, and I flushed.

"I kind of planned it all out." I admitted, and he laughed.

"I figured," he said softly, "you kind of ambushed me, and it was hot, I admit. I really liked coming home to seeing you looking all sexy, in my shirt. I can get used to that easily, babe." He admitted, and I blushed.

"I hope you can, Mikey." I said softly.

"I can." He said confidently. "I love you." He said, and I blushed, and kissed him softly on the lips.

"I love you too, Mikey." I said softly, and wrapped my arms around his neck, kissing him again, not pulling back away from him.

"Damn," he said when we pulled away. "I love hearing that."

"I love saying it." I admitted, and he laughed.

"Then say it again." He said, and I smiled.

"I love you, Mikey." I said again, and he smiled and kissed me.

"Good. Keep it that way, babe." He said, and I smiled.

"I couldn't change it if I wanted to," I admitted, and he smiled at me, before kissing me again. If I had the option to change anything, I wouldn't. I would change nothing, because this is perfect. This... is where I want to be for the rest of my life. I would be happy if life could just pause here in this moment. This is where I want to be. Mike and I... we are eternal. We hopefully will last forever, because I don't know what I'd do without him. I need him, and I know he needs me too. I can't stand the thought of having to wake up without him... hopefully, he feels the same way about me.

# ¢ємєитαℓιту

Sometimes, things seem worse than what they are. I mean, I guess that's just the way things go. My mom always told me that sometimes, when things go wrong, it's really just paving the way to be right. Well, I always kind of blew that off, thinking that life was merely life, and that there was no real reason to hope for anything great, because life kicks you when you are down.

I felt pretty bad about doubting my mom now, though. I mean then, it didn't seem like it could possibly the true, but right now? I believed it more so than ever. I mean, there is nothing wrong with the way things are going and that feels really awesome.

Mike just... makes me happy, and I love that. Like, I've never felt this way before. I look forward to getting up, I look forward to school, now. I look forward to lunch, and I look forward to being alive. It's elating, honestly. Being this happy, being this... alive? Oh I could get used to it. I never want to go back to the way I was before. It's really hard to picture that I am the same person that was a walking corpse of depression last month.

It's hard to believe that I was sad, and broken. It's hard to believe that there was no one that could help me... except Mike. He made me feel perfect. He made me feel like living. He made me... okay.

My phone rang annoyingly loud and I giggled, and picked up my phone off my bedside table, and answered it. "Heeeeeeello?" I said, drawing out the 'e' in hello. I heard a gentle laugh, and I smiled immediately, then checked the caller ID.

"Hey babe," Mike said, and I smiled, and laid back in bed.

"Hey sexy." I said.

"I'm bored." He complained, and I laughed softly, and played with the sleeve of my shirt dumbly.

"Me too." I admitted, and he paused, and turned his TV off.

"Whatcha doing?" he asked, and I giggled. I could either turn him on, or be truthful... hmm... I thought about it a second, and then I decided. I'm going to turn him on, and if things progress... so be it.

"I'm just lying in bed," I said, and he laughed.

"What are you doing in bed?" he asked, and I smiled a little.

"Just... laying." I said, trying to sound as if that wasn't the truth—even though it really was.

"Oh?" he questioned, and I giggled.

"Yeah," I said slowly, and sighed. I hoped this was working, because I felt a little embarrassed trying to turn him on. And I can't tell if it's even working, because I can't see his dick getting hard, or staying soft.

"Well, I'm lying in bed too," he said softly. "I wish you were here though."

"I wish I was there too," I said, my hand trailing down my stomach, and teasing my dick softly, just barely pushing down lightly.

A little sigh exited my mouth, and I found myself loving the way I was making myself feel. "Ash, what are you doing, really?" Mike asked me, and I giggled softly, pushing down on my dick again, softly. A moan trailed out of my mouth, and I flush.

"Well," I said shyly, "I'm maybe teasing myself." I ran my hand over my underwear covered crotch, and it felt good, and I moaned softly.

I was about to continue, before my bedroom door was thrown open dramatically, and Scottie came barrelling into my room like he owned it. Scottie has quickly become one of my best friends, and he stayed over possibly as much—if not more than Mike. "Never mind," I said sadly, thinking about how much I'd been enjoying talking to Mike.

"Scottie?" Mike asked, and I sighed. "Talk to you in a bit. Mind if I come by? I just want to hold you." He asked me, and I giggled quietly.

"Yes!" I said happily, and he laughed.

"I love you, Ash." He said, and I smiled.

"I love you too." I said, and he hung up, hopefully on the way over.

"Hey, sorry about interrupting..." he said softly, flushing. Scottie doesn't do shy, so I figured it was just him playing shy. "Yeah anyway, I was wondering if I could stay here tonight. I've got some weed, and we can smoke up and chill out. No men allowed, though." Scottie said, and I sighed.

"I already told Mike he could come over." I said.

"Well, when he gets here, kiss him, and make him go! We need a twink night, and it'll be fuuuun!" Scottie said, and I sighed.

"I guess so, but nothing dangerous!" I said cautiously.

"Nothing dangerous about weed." He said, and I sighed.

"Fine. You got a deal, but... I want to kiss my boyfriend. So when he gets here, sit down, shut up, and let me make out with him for a few." I commanded, and Scottie laughed.

"Yup, you got it fam." He said, pulling out his phone and sighing deeply as he read some messages. He tapped away on his phone, and I heard a car pull up outside, and walked out of my room and down the stairs. I opened the door when I heard a gentle knock, thinking it was Mike. When I opened it, though, it wasn't Mike. A hand covered by cloth covered my mouth, and the smell on it was intoxicating. I got dizzy, and suddenly... everything around me went black.

I woke up a while later, thinking it'd all just been a dream. The room I was in was dark, and there was no light coming from anywhere. My unfamiliar surroundings raised more than just one suspicion, and I was scared. I knew this wasn't my dad. I knew it. It couldn't have, because my dad was too drunk to do anything like this.

I struggled internally, looking around the room, the darkness giving me little comfort. I didn't see a door anywhere, but when I stood up off the floor I walked around the room until I felt something hit my head. It was hot, and I cursed a little, shocked by the feeling.

"Who's there?" I asked, my voice quivering, and nerves wracking my body. My mind was threatening to break down into pieces, and I couldn't let that happen. I have to figure out what is going on here. I need to figure out what I'm doing. I sighed, looking around the dark room.

I explored the empty room a little, and found that there was a door, but the edges of it were sealed so no light came in. I hit my head on something hot, and I reached up, and felt a light bulb. There was a string, and I pulled it, making light flood the dark room immediately. The room was dark even with the low watt bulb turned on. There was nothing on the walls, but there was a little cot on the side of the room, where I'd woken up.

There was nothing else in the room, but I found that it wouldn't have mattered anyway, because it was scary, and I didn't know what I was going to do. The door suddenly slammed open, and I jumped back against the wall. A demented laugh exited the guys mouth, and I shivered.

"You don't like your new surroundings do ya, pretty boy?" he snapped sarcastically, and I didn't answer, frozen in fear. He kept staring at me, and then slapped me. "Here's how this is going to work, pretty boy." He snapped when he realized I wasn't going to answer. "You get fed, based on what I think appropriate." He listed, "you do exactly what I say. When I say to do it, and you do not question it." He said, and I nodded out of fear. He laughed, a twisted sound that made fear settle in my chest. "Now, pretty boy, are you going to do as I said, or am I going to have to punish you?" he asked, and I nodded obediently.

"I will do as you asked..." I said, trepidation written all over me.

"Strip." He commanded, and I jumped, filled with dismay and unease as I unbuttoned my pants and slipped them off. I then pulled my shirt over my head, and then flushed, a cold sweat creeped its way onto my skin.

I fought to keep my composure as I pulled off my underwear. He laughed dementedly, and then motioned for me to turn around for him. I did so, fast, trying to get this over with. _What is he going to do to me?_ I worried, and looked up at him, apprehension and fear written all over my face.

He pushed me back against the wall, a disgusting smile on his face. I was feeling sick as his face was getting closer to mine. I wanted to puke, he's too close, and I just want him away from me. Closer and closer he came, until we were chest to chest, and my heart was beating rapidly.

The man was setting off alarms in my head, but I couldn't do anything about it. All I wanted was to get out of here. He smirked sickly at me, and pushed me down to my knees. _Oh my god... no!_ I thought, struggling to get back away from him. He laughed, a sound full of malice, and I thought for sure I was a goner.

He pulled his dick out of his pants, and jabbed my mouth open, sticking it inside my mouth. _Oh my god, this is disgusting!_ I thought, trying to get him out of my mouth. "Oh no, no, no... Asher you're supposed to do what I say, remember?" he commanded, and I realized what this was. _He's going to rape me!_ Dread sunk in deep into the back of my mind, and I tried and failed to fight back. He pulled me by my hair and kept my mouth open around him. He started pumping his hips, feeling his member forcing its way into my mouth made me gag each time, and then he unleashed into my throat. "Swallow, bitch." He commanded, and I forced myself to swallow. "Good job, next time try not to fight back so much though. Too much effort." He said, and I felt ashamed at what'd happened.

As soon as he left, I went over to the corner farthest from the door, and I retched, my stomach feeling as though I was going to die. For once in my life, I _knew_ I was fucked. No way out of here, no way to eat, or to live... I'll be a living blow job machine until this... disgusting freak gets tired of me.

I groaned, getting sick again. I curled into a ball, my clothes having been taken, and my skin cool to the touch. I want some warmth, I want home. I want Scottie, I want Mikey. But most of all? I just don't want to die.

Used to, that's what I wanted. I wanted to die. But now... I have so much to live for... so much to accomplish. I have so much to experience, and so much to learn from... I have my whole life ahead of me, and now, what do I have to do to survive this?

With a groan, I stared around the empty room. Where the hell am I? Who was that freaky guy? What the fuck does he want from me? I can't give him money... I can't give him anything but shitty blowjobs in a disgusting room. I made my way shakily over to the cot, and laid down.

All I could think about was Mike... is he okay? Does he know that I am gone? What about Scottie? And Jake? What about my mom? And my dad? What am I going to do?

Surely Scottie has at least noticed that I was gone by now. I mean, Mike was coming by for me, so he obviously had to answer the door for him. I would hope that he at least would know something was wrong? Obviously, something isn't just wrong, it is _very_ wrong.

Why would someone want to kidnap me? That's just insanity. I have no idea why anyone would want me... I'm just me. I don't have any insanely gorgeous features, or a great college fund, I don't have money so to speak of, and I certainly don't have a good enough mouth to risk prison over.

If someone doesn't know I'm missing by now, will someone ever know?

What if no one ever finds me? What if I am stuck here with this creep until I die? What if he rapes me? What if he stabs me? Or shoots me? What if he has other people in here? I don't know where I am, but obviously this wasn't this freaks first rodeo. I mean, he knocked on the door the same way Mike knocked, he put something over my face to make me pass out, and... god, what if he's a serial killer? Or rapist? Or what if... what if this is something different all together?

I couldn't seem to calm down. My fear was rising steadily the longer I spent in the little room. I didn't know how long it'd been, but I knew it had to be a while. I found myself looking around. I didn't know if it'd been twenty-four hours, or only four. All I knew was that time seemed to creep by slowly as if it was barely moving at all.

I felt the stinging grasp of panic starting to set in, and my breathing started picking up almost immediately. My stomach felt empty, my chest felt empty, but my mouth hurt where he'd gripped my face to hold my mouth opened. _I can't breathe,_ I thought, my chest tightening painfully. I started hyperventilating, anxiety and fear both playing in my mind.

Everything around me seemed so much less... human. The walls seemed inhuman, almost as if they were mocking me. The cot seemed unsteady, and it filled me with discomfort. I had no clothes, so I was completely bare, and I had no blanket.

I curled into the fatal position, still hyperventilating, and panicking. The longer I tried to calm down, the less it seemed to work. I couldn't steady my breathing, I couldn't stop freaking out, and I couldn't seem to get a handle on my panic. Everything was freaking me out, spiralling me out of control, and I was alone.

This wasn't the same alone as before, though. I always thought being genuinely alone would be better than being alone in a room full of people, but that wasn't the way of it. Right now? I'd give anything to be back at school with all the idiots and the stoners and the freaks. I'd give anything to have my dad beating me again, or Jasper beating me. I'd give anything to just be home. I'd give anything to have Mike's arms wrapped around me, and I would give anything to just go back to a couple hours ago.

I would have told Mike I loved him a second time. I would have told Scottie that him and Jake would be perfect together. I would have told my mom that I loved her, and that I appreciate her. I would have done everything differently.

All I wanted was to go home.

I finally calmed myself, thinking of Mike's warm, comforting body pressed against mine, whispering that he'd never let anything hurt me. I finally fell asleep, hoping that when I wake up in the morning, this would all just be a bad, horrible, morbid dream.

# ¢αυgнт ιи α ∂яєαм

How long have I been here? Time didn't seem to move the same anymore. I had long since lost track of the days. My vision blurred, my stomach growled angrily but I was too sick to eat anyway, and my body hurt. Vaguely, I wondered if anyone was looking for me. It has to have been a long time.

I wasn't sure exactly how long it'd been, but if my guess was correct, it'd been about a week. I couldn't tell, though. I just spent my time in the dingy, disgusting room. I'd not seen sunlight in forever, and I hadn't eaten anything more than watery soup in days. The man has came back multiple times, he's forced himself on me, multiple times.

I couldn't really seem to tell if I was even alive anymore. It had turned into a daily thing. He comes in, with his disgusting water soup, he pulled down his pants, made me suck, then came down my throat and left me. Each time, if I fought back, he got a little rougher. He always found sick, twisted pleasure in my misery, and I couldn't help but vomit every time he left. I couldn't give him the gratification of watching me vomit after he assaulted me.

The entire situation had me wanting to give up, but I don't. I can't give up yet. Mike is probably looking for me. I couldn't find any hope anywhere else, but Mike was all I wanted in the first place.

I thought that this was morning. I mean, I feel just as tired as I did an hour ago, but it just feels like morning. The room is cooler, and it sends trembles down my spine, and I fight to stay warm. The air in the room doesn't feel clean, it feels... diseased... disgusting. The longer I stayed in the room, the worse I felt.

I felt trapped, I felt used... I felt disgusting.

I longed for the gentle feel of Mike's hands on my body. The soft caress of his hugs, and the way his slightly rough lips made butterflies attack my tummy in a gloriously beautiful way. I longed to feel safe again. Every minute of my day now was misery. I was just waiting on him to come in, to use me, and to leave. I didn't want that. I want home... _I want to go home!_

I fought back tears, but I failed. I couldn't help it at this point. All I wanted was to be home. _I just want Mike. I want to feel his arms around me. I want to sink into his touch, to feel safe beside him in ways I never knew I needed. I want to go home. I want my mommy. I want her to hug me, to kiss me on the forehead and tell me that it's going to be okay. I want Scottie and Jake to be around me. I want to feel like I'm safe. I just... want my life back. But I don't just want it back because I want to be miserable. If I could just go home, I'd smile. I'd be happy. I'd live a little, I think._

Right on cue, the nasty man slammed open the door, looking pissed, more so than ever before. I was shaking from fear. "LISTEN HERE YOU LITTLE FAGGOT." He snapped, "YOU ARE GOING TO TAKE MY DICK. AND ONLY MY DICK. FUCKING LITTLE FAGGOT." He screamed, and pulled me up by my hair. "Aw look at the little faggot. Crying, aw. So sad. AW MY NAMES ASHER AND I'M A LITTLE BITCH WHO WHINES ABOUT HIS PROBLEMS TOO MUCH!" He screamed and my face, and punched me hard in the face. My vision blanked, and I shuddered. He turned me around against the wall and smashed my face against it hard. He then pushed his dick into the crack of my ass, and I frowned, struggling despite the pain in my face.

He just punched me in the stomach, and knocked me breathless before forcing himself inside me. "NO!" I screamed, struggling to get away. He kept pushing though, and I cried out, feeling like my insides were breaking. My body hurt, and I felt something warm and hot coming out of me, and I started crying.

Is it... blood? Or... oh god. I started crying. I couldn't seem to breathe, but even if I could, I was beyond rationality at this point. I wiggled, hoping to get away from them.

I felt dizzy, the world spinning around me. Suddenly, everything around me went black. I sunk into the darkness, grateful for the silence.

When I woke up, I could feel my body aching. The numbness in my head was slightly different, but I found myself clinging to that. I can't really remember exactly what happened before, but I wasn't pushing to remember, either. I could feel my ass aching a little and my stomach felt sick.

How long has it been since I ate? I tried to stand up, but I got dizzy as I was standing up and had to clutch the wall in my hand. The silence in my dark room seemed to torture me. Used to, I lived in silence. Now? All I want is some loud noises to startle me.

I managed to stumble my way to the cot, and I sat down with a wince. Why does he want me? What do I have that someone else doesn't have? I tried to sleep, but with every close of my eyes more thoughts raced through my head. I felt sick.

Does my mom miss me? Is Mike missing me? What about Jake? Scottie? Surely they know I'm gone by now. They have to. I was home with Scottie and Mike was coming over. Surely when Scottie opened the door for Mike they knew something was wrong.

Silence.

.

.

.

There's nothing but silence. I wait and wait for some noise... but nothing ever comes.

Am I even alive? The delicious warm, numbness of my body is convincing me I might not be. I want Mike.

Suddenly, the door slammed open and I jumped and screamed, my body moving fast, and I managed to put myself into the fetal position.

"You need a shower." The man said gruffly, and I looked up at him. In the dull light, I could just barely make out the colour of his skin, and his dark eyes sent chills down my spine. He grabbed me by the arm, and he forces me up on my legs. A shot of pain rips up my spine and I bite my lip hard to keep from crying out in pain. He blindfolds me, then pushed me.

"You'll get a shower. Once you are out, I'll come in, blindfold you again and take you back down. I'd do what I say, Bitch. I can slice your throat open before you think about screaming." He snaps.

"Yes sir." I mumbled and he guided me up some stairs, then turned me and pushed me into a room. He pulled my blindfold off and then left. The door clicked locked and I flinched. Now what? I look around and see absolutely nothing to injure him with.

No hairspray, or deodorant spray. No cologne, or even perfume. Nothing. Only Irish springs soap and a rag.

I turned on the water and sat down on the toilet, glad to be able to go to the actual bathroom for the first time in god knows how long. Once I finish, I look in the mirror and gasp.

My brown hair is black from all the dirt and stuff in it. My skin is way paler than its ever been and my eyes have dark purple bags under them. My skin is disgusting, and I look sickly thin. Disgusting. Once I shake off the feeling of disgust I get into the shower relieved to feel warm water.

I quickly wash, not wanting to waste time. I want to be able to shower at least once in a while. Once I cut the water off, I knock on the door. "Let's go." He said as he opened the door and blindfolded me again. He then led me back down the stairs and to the gross room he'd had me in before. I was slightly relieved though, when the smell of shit didn't caress me. "I put a bed pan in here. I also cleaned up the Shit off the floor. I'll take the bed pan and empty it once a day. You'll shower once a week." He snapped. I nod. I hope I'm not here too long, because... this is fucking terrifying. He walked out of the room and snapped the door shut.

Once I heard the lock, I sighed. I want to go home...

I can't lie, I'm glad I got a shower. And I'm glad he gave me something to go in. It's... at least a little humane now. I sighed and stared at the wall, my body aching. Mike has to find me soon.

# Нαℓℓ σf ιℓℓυѕισиѕ

I felt fear trickling down my spine, but I knew I didn't have an option, I have to do this. I can't stay here and let him kill me. I don't know for sure that's what he wants, but obviously he doesn't want to just kiss and tell. It's... more than that. He wants to hurt me. He _will_ hurt me if I don't haul ass out of here.

It seemed like time passed slower now that I had a plan for what to do to get out of here. Impatience is what I'm feeling, my mother would say. Oh, I'm impatient alright. If I don't get out of here now, I'm going to kill myself. Or go crazy in this tiny little room with nothing to do but think. Thinking is what made me an asshole in the first place. I don't need to think. I need to get the hell out of here. I need to go home.

I doubt that I would go home, though. The hospital would probably be the first place I'd have to go. That'd make sense, because I'm probably dehydrated, and starving. I'm probably going to need blood checks, and HIV checks, and more. I'm going to need serious medical help, I know that. I can tell something isn't right with me, I just don't know what.

The door didn't open for another twenty minutes, and thankfully, he didn't close it. I sighed, and opened my mouth expectantly. He popped the pills into my mouth, and then pressed me against the wall, not waiting on the pills to kick in. _Oh, yeah. Now you're playing into my plan, you freak._ That made me smile a little. I let him feel me up, and started pretending to be numb, feeling the pills under my tongue. Oh buddy, you done fucked up, dude.

When he pushed me, my knee came up and connected with his groin. He groaned and fell over to the side before I kicked him in the dick again, and again. When I was certain he'd not be able to move, I turned and dashed for the door and smiled at him. "Bye, douche face!" I called, and shut the door. _Oh, now the asshole is getting a taste of his own medicine._

I ran around, looking for the exit, and I saw the stairs leading up. They don't look like I was used to, but of course, I'd never seen them so I ran. The door was unlocked, thank fuck. I ran out the door, and dashed through the kitchen, and then to the door. It wasn't unlocked, but at least I can unlock it.

Knowing I don't have long until he eventually worms his way out someway, I dash out the door, naked. _What? I don't have time to worry about trivial shit like clothes right now!_ I run across the road, and bang on the door. "Help!" I cried, looking over my shoulder. He isn't there, thank god, but his door is still open from where I'd ran out.

I banged louder, and I heard a curse, and mentally thanked god that someone was home. "HELP!" I screamed louder, banging harder. The door opened, and a guy who looked around forty opened the door looking annoyed, but when he saw me, his eyebrows threaded together in fear. "Help me, please!" I cried, and he opened his door and let me in.

"Uhm... are you okay?" He said, shutting the door. I looked at him like he was an idiot. _Do I look okay?_ No, I look like shit. I've been locked in a basement, and probably look like a corpse without a stomach from the lack of decent food.

"The guy." I stuttered, "street, basement, help. Dizzy." I say, suddenly realizing in my haste, I'd swallowed the pills. _Fuck._

"Let me call the police, what's your name?" He asked, and I sagged against the couch, feeling dizzy and sick. How many pills had I taken? I can't remember how many he gave me, I didn't think about it, I just stored them under my tongue and now I'm really feeling the effects. At least I got across the street before they'd affected me, because it wouldn't have done me any good to lock him in the basement if I hadn't have been able to escape.

"A-Ash..." I stutter, and my eyes start feeling heavy. "D-don't feel... so... g-good." I said, dizziness making my eyes roll a little.

"Lay down!" He commanded, and I look at him, feeling sick. "Yes, this is an emergency. If I didn't need a damn paramedic, I would have fucking drove him myself!" He yelled. "He's naked, he looks really pale, slightly malnourished, and dirty. He's looking like he's messed up on something, but he doesn't know what's going on. He said his name is Ash. He didn't finish or anything!"

I kept fading in and out of consciousness. "He looks like, fifteen? Somewhere around there." I coughed, and clutched my stomach. He put his hand on my forehead, and I jumped away, coughing harshly at the movement, before blushing in embarrassment. "He won't let me touch him, he keeps jumping! Just send the goddamned paramedics out here! Fuck!" He said, staring at me.

Faintly, I heard sirens, and just as my eyes closed, I went numb. This time, though? It wasn't so comforting.

When I woke up, I had a hard time opening my eyes. Blinking against the bright lights in the room, I was overjoyed to see that the stone walls that had encased me, holding me hostage, had disappeared. "Oh good, you're up." A guy said, coming over to me, and checking my IV quickly. I looked over him, cautious.

He had longer black hair, and a little scar on his forehead, with the prettiest blue eyes I've ever seen. He looked a little intimidating, but he seemed okay. He had a smile that reached his eyes, and he hummed a song I recognized, but couldn't place.

"W-where am I?" I managed to ask, and he laughed a little.

"The hospital." He said obviously. I looked at him incredulously. "Matricah." He said, finally, after he saw that his first answer wouldn't be enough to keep me quiet for long.

"Close to home." I whisper, and he smiled a little bit. "What's today?" I asked, and he pulled out an old, crappy phone and told me it was Monday the 21st. "What month?" I asked, afraid to know.

"December." He said, and my mouth fell.

"I was th-there a long time." I said, and he nodded grimly.

"Four months," he replied, poking around on my stomach. "They thought a guy would make you feel more comfortable since you are naked, however, I guess they didn't think about what happened while you weren't home." He said dryly.

"I-I'm okay, I think." I said shyly.

"My girlfriend is having a hayday on this, she's a nurse too. Oh god," he moaned, "she's so fucking weird."

"My boyfriend is weird." I muttered, thinking about him singing hotel california in his boxers the day after we had sex for the first time. It was cute, but I thought it was really, really weird.

"Ah, you've never met Jess." he said, and I smiled a little. Despite his words, I could tell he loved her. "She is pretty awesome though, I must admit I love her crazy ass." he said, and I nodded.

"W-what happened?" I asked, and he flinched a little, unsure about what to say.

"Well, you've been out for a week now," he said. "You overdosed on morphine and dilaudid." he said, cautious. "The guy across the street called the ambulance, and they got there just in time. If it had of been much longer, you would have died." he said. "As for what happened while you were there, if you don't remember it might be better for you not to." He said, and I nodded.

Sadly, I do remember.

I remember everything.

"We checked you for HIV, and you're clear there, thank god." he said, and I stared at him as he talked. "You are malnourished though, and you have a vitamin D deficiency, but you also have severe bruising... almost everywhere. Your mom's here, and two guys have been here since you got placed in here a week ago." He said.

"W-who are they?" I ask, thinking about Scottie and Mike. They look like brothers, almost. Both are blonde, with pretty eyes. The only difference is that Scottie is tiny, and feminine, almost.

"One of them is Michael, and some other guy... J, something." he said offhandedly. "Who would you like to see? You can see two at a time." he said, and I really only felt like seeing Mike, but I knew I had to see my mom too.

"My mom and Mike." I said, and he nodded.

"I'm gonna get you some Jell-o too." He said, and I nodded. _He's weird, but I kinda like it. I hope he's my nurse the entire time I'm here._ Damn, my throat kinda hurts. I guess that's Jell-o is for. A bit later, the nurse came back, Mike following him closely. "Your mom is still asleep, but the other person in the room cannot come back until she does, because Mike's the only one she's given permission to come back." He explained, and I nodded. Mike's blue eyes haven't left me, and I blushed, looking at him shyly.

"Baby." He choked, tears filling his eyes as he fought them back, and he walked over to me and took my hand. The nurse handed him the Jell-o, and a plastic spoon.

"He's weak, and doesn't need to be stressing himself to eat, and such. Feed him the Jell-o, it'll help his throat. Don't force him to talk too much, it'll make his throat worse. Keep your hands to yourself, and don't get too handsy, he's bruised all over and you don't want to touch any of them because the X-rays showed some small fractures here and there." The nurse said, and I stared at him, shocked. "My girlfriend and I have been your only nurses so far." he said, smirking a little. "I'm Mark, so if you need anything just press the nurse button and ask for me." He said, and Mike nodded. I watched Mark retreat, and then turned my eyes to Mike.

He was right, my entire body was sore, it ached, and especially my ass. It felt like I'd sat on a damn bat. Mike looked tired, his eyes were sunken, but still beautiful. "Oh my god, baby I missed you so much!" He said as soon as Mark had left. "We looked for you everywhere. No one knew where you went. Scottie answered the door that night, and he thought that we'd left together. He didn't hear anything, but he was stoned. I had a bad feeling about it, but when you didn't answer your phone... I was terrified." he said.

"I-I missed you." I said softly, looking at him. When he took my hand in his, I tensed, and then blushed shyly. "S-sorry, I'm..." I trailed off when he looked at me understandingly. I felt so drained from all of what happened recently, I really wanted to sleep, and not talk about this. I didn't want to leave him without an explanation, though.

"Don't make yourself talk if you don't feel like it, honey. Just rest." He said, and I nodded. He opened the Jell-o cup, and took the spoon and put it in the Jell-o. He then put it up to my mouth, and I opened my mouth and let him feed me. I smiled softly at him, and he smiled back at me. I yawned occasionally while he was feeding me, and I didn't take big bites, because my throat hurt really bad.

The Jell-o actually did help with my throat, though. It kind of soothed the feeling of dry feeling, somewhat.

Once he got done feeding me, he kissed me on the forehead, and sat down beside me in the chair again, after throwing the Jell-o cup away. "Go ahead and rest some, baby. I'll be here when you wake up." He told me, and I nodded, resting my eyes a little.

"I-I just woke up," I slurred tiredly, and he smiled softly as he looked at me.

"I know baby, but I'll be here when you wake up." He said softly. I nodded, but I fought sleep as hard as I could before finally, sleep overtook me.

When I woke up, Mike was, just as he said he would be, still there. He was holding one of my hands, his head resting against the mattress as he slept, and I fought back the urge to snatch my hand away.

_No, Mike will never hurt me. Stop being a baby. Just be glad he can't touch you anymore, and be glad to have Mike's gentle touch back. He'll never do to you what that freak did. Christ, just take a damn chill pill._ At the thought of pills, I immediately wanted some of those lovely pills... _NO!_ No pills. None. Zero. There are none.

Nope. None. I'm not doing that. Nope. Never.

Mike slept peacefully, and I found it hard to believe that I had, too. I didn't sleep that good while I was there... I shivered at the thought. I let Mike sleep until Mark came back in to check me out again. He got me another blanket, and checked my blood pressure, and temperature. Then he left, claiming that he'd be back with our lunch later. I sighed, and looked around.

Hospital rooms have always freaked me out for some reason. This one, though I knew I needed to be here, freaked me out, too. I felt trapped, like I couldn't move, or do anything. I wanted to run, but I couldn't.

Calm down, Asher. You aren't helpless here. This is a hospital. They won't hurt you here. They can't. They'd lose their medical license.

A sigh escaped me, and I made myself steady my breathing, panic etching its strong grasp around me as I realized that I was essentially trapped. I laid back against the bed and fought the fear, knowing I couldn't do anything about it, and decided to go back to sleep.

" _God, I missed you." I said softly, pressing my lips to Mike's cheek as he sat down beside me at school. Our lockers were close to each others, so we always met before class, but today we'd not had time to meet up because his teacher summoned him for a meeting before school started._

" _I know, Mrs. Register is such a bitch. I wanted to press you against a locker before classes, but oh of course..." he trailed off, kissing my cheek softly, too. I smiled and looked at him bashfully._

" _Mrs. Register is a bitch, but oh, of course she had to steal you today of all days! You actually could've fucked me against a locker and you missed your chance." I said playfully. He laughed, and nodded._

" _I'm fucking pissed about it, too. I wanted to press this sexy little body of yours against a locker and pound into you." He said into my ear, his voice traveling from my ear to my groin immediately. Mmm shit, I love it when he dirty talks me. It normally would embarrass me, but not with Mike. Nope, with Mike it makes my body burn in ways that should be illegal._

He kissed me softly, and I kissed him back. I moaned as he gripped my hips, and pulled me into his body. A tiny whimper of need tore from my throat as he touched me, a desperate noise forcing its way out of my throat as I ran my fingers through his hair desperately.

" _Asher, I love you so much." He said, and I cried out as he bit my nipple._ _Wait, what? My shirt was on a few minutes ago..._ _My brain was going a thousand miles a minute in terror._ _How in the name of god did Mike take my shirt off without me knowing it?_ _I pulled back to see what he was doing, to see where we were, and I saw that it wasn't Mike at all. It was_ _him_ _. The one who had tortured me. Drugged me. Used my body. "Come on, baby? Don't you love me too?" He asked in a voice that made shivers go up and down my spine._

" _As-" I heard faintly, and I didn't understand. I thought Mike was with me. Where is he? "Ash-" again I heard, but my eyes couldn't seem to find where the voice was coming from. "ASHER!" I heard._

"Ahhhhh!" I screamed as I felt someone touching me, and thrashed around on the bed, trying to get away. "Please don't touch me! Please! Oh my god no, don't touch me. DON'T TOUCH ME!" I screamed, pushing whoever was touching me away. "GET AWAY FROM ME DON'T TOUCH ME!" I screamed, looking around the room terrified.

"Asher, Asher baby calm down!" Mike said gently, his hand coming out to touch me.

"No!" I squealed, shoving my body back as fast as I could.

"Baby, calm down, please..." Mike said softly, retracting his hand from reaching out to me. My breathing was coming out in quick pants, and I looked around terrified. _No no no stop no!_

Mike came forward again, and tried to put his hand on my shoulder. Any other time, I probably would have been okay with that. I probably would have loved it, but I couldn't breathe and control my body, and all the sudden my hand moved before I could stop it and I punched him right in the face.

"Fuck!" He cursed, and I cried out, pushing myself farther from him.

"DON'T HURT ME PLEASE STOP DON'T TOUCH ME!" I cried, and the door to the room opened, and a woman who looked shorter than I was came bouncing into the room, her face etched with worry. "Don't touch me!" I demanded as she came towards me. She stopped in her place, and looked at me hesitantly.

"I'm not going to hurt you, Asher. But I'm going to look at Mike, okay? He's bleeding a little, and I don't want it to get on the sheets." She said calmly, and I nodded, my eyes shooting around the room. I pulled my knees up to my chest and rested my chin on my knees, watching the two of them hesitantly.

She bandaged his eye, and I watched them both closely. I finally calmed down once I realized what had happened. _I was having a nightmare and Mike tried to wake me up. He was worried about me, and I hit him... oh god._ I started crying, feeling really guilty when I realized what had happened.

Mike looked at me, his eye looking sore, and despite _me_ being the one that hit him, he smiled softly, and mouthed "I love you" to me. I blushed, and wiped my eyes. Oh my god, I can't believe I hurt him.

Guilt ate away at me as I watched. When the lady left, I laid back down, closer to the wall this time so that Mike wouldn't be able to touch me if I had another bad dream, and sighed. _Just how fucked up am I?_

Mike didn't leave my side even though I'd hurt him, and that just made me feel worse. He didn't deserve this. I am only hurting him. But the thought of losing him made me feel like I was smothering, and I didn't want to lose him at all.

Oh my god, what have I done?

# Нυят

Silence... everywhere.

I hate the silence more now than ever before. I think that it's annoying, now. Use to it was just a mild contempt, however now, the silence is deafening. It is forever. It's... disturbing.

I sighed and looked around the gross looking room.

Is anyone looking for me? Does Scottie and Mike know I'm gone? Hell, it's been nearly three weeks, I think. That's what it feels like, at least.

Silence. More and more silence.

He seemed to... _care_ in some twisted way. He brings me meals, watches me for a while, and then retreats after he touches me. He calls me dear, at least when he's fucking me. Any other time it's Bitch and Faggot. It's... sick. It's twisted. It is... disgusting.

It's just another day. Just another... lame ass day locked in this damn room. The only escape from this... hell is the pills he gives me about ten or fifteen minutes before he uses me. At least it numbs me, and takes me to what I like to call _heaven in my own little hell._ I'm glad he started giving me the pills after the shower happened. I don't think I could handle the pain anymore.

With a sigh, I laid down, and fought to close my eyes, praying sleep came, and... _finally it did._

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How long have I fucking been here? I swear to god it feels like forever. Just another shower, just another bowl of watery soup, just another boring day locked in the damn room.

Fear.

Disgust.

Shame.

Anger.

Agony.

All these feelings swimming around in my head, and I couldn't escape my own head. A huge part of me wants to just lay down and give up, but I keep fighting. My head was telling me that I didn't need to keep trying, keep fighting to live, but my heart was telling me to.

At the moment, the only thing keeping me from just completely giving up hope of ever getting out of here are these little pills he gives me when he comes in. I don't really know what they are, but they make me so numb... so empty inside... there's nothing better than that down here in hell.

But it's not like I can give up, anyway. I _have_ to keep trying. If not for me, for my mom. For Mike. For Jake. For Scottie.

Fighting sounds so... exhausting. I sighed, and pushed myself up off the cot and started pacing. Just another day in misery.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"GOD, YOU ARE SUCH A LITTLE SLUT!" The man shouted, kicking me in the stomach. I gagged, the pain making me want to cry, but I knew better than to make a noise. The only noises he wants, I can't give him. If I let him think I'm enjoying this bullshit, even though it's not true, I think I'd seriously rather kill myself. "You enjoy this, and you know it. God, you are a little freak. I think I picked a good little toy, don't you? You take dick so well..." he said almost dreamily, before he kicked me again.

I gagged, and this time, swallowed down the disgusting water soup shit he feeds me. _Man, if you're going to kidnap someone and use them as a sex doll, the least you could do is give them some decent goddamned food to keep them alive._ Granted, I knew if I died, it'd be nothing to him. He'd find another little ' _cock-whore_ ' to take his shit.

He picked me up and looked into my face with an evil smirk. "Oh this time you're really going to love it, aren't you? I've got you all nice and hard." I look at him like he's delusional, and then I remember... oh yeah, he _is_ delusional _._ I fight laugh at him. God, he's such a loser.

"Open up your faggot mouth." He growled, and I looked at him like he was insane, before opening my mouth. "Take a little something to make you feel better, baby. Once you're stoned out of your damn mind, we'll have some fun." I shivered at him calling me baby, it sounds so wrong coming out of his mouth _. God, if I could just puke on him, it'd SO be worth it._

This has also become a habit. He'll come down here, give me something to ' _make me feel better_ ' or so he says, and then he'll do what he wants to me while I lay there, descending into beautiful numbness. I couldn't really get through the day without this now, not the sex, oh god no, that's disgusting. I mean the numbness. I don't know what he's giving me, but damn, I want some more.

It's the best way to get out of this hell. The only way to get out of this hell, really. I know someday-hopefully sooner rather than later-I'll be found by the police, and then I'll go home... but until then, this is... freedom from everything.

The familiar numbness started to sink in, and when my legs felt like jelly, he pushed me down onto the bed and got on top of me. The last thing I remember was the slight pain of the tingles spreading over my body as he maneuvered it however he wanted it before he settled, and then... it all goes dark.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I glanced around the room, and flinched when the door slammed open. On the bright side, he's not carrying water soup, but he is carrying the drugs he uses to numb me. I don't know what it's called, sedate, maybe?

_Hrm,_ I thought, looking at him tiredly. All I really wanted was some more of those drugs, though. They seemed to be pretty damn amazing. So deliciously numb, so deliciously empty. So deliciously everything all at once. He walks up to me, his eyes showing anger but his face completely blank. I open my mouth and he pops the pills in, and I swallow them down without water. _Who needs water? Not me!_

I don't really know when the pills kicked in, but when they did, I was really glad that they did. I needed it, right now. I need it. So bad.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I woke up feeling broken. I felt like I was going to be sick, and my tongue felt like cotton in my mouth. I felt like living was a lost cause, and I felt like I couldn't breathe. I can't get out of here. I want out. I want out now.

I longed for the feeling of the numbness of the pills, and I don't understand why. Sure, being numb is amazing. Especially in here. There's nothing better to do. All I can do is think, and be miserable.

How long have I been here? The days blend together so much more now. I can't always tell the difference between day and night, now. It's kinda like the pills make me numb to feeling even the temperature.

The pills though... they are magical down here. Nothing can hurt me when I'm on them. I think that's why I like them. They make me feel like I'm painless. I don't miss Mike, Jake, mom, or Scottie. I don't miss home, or school. I don't miss anything, but the feeling of the numbness.

That's a lie, I guess. I think about Mike, a lot. But he's the only one. I can't get him out of my head. Mike caresses my thoughts all the time, touching me mentally, keeping me from breaking. He's all I got to keep me okay in the head.

I ought to think about my mom that way, thinking about how glad she'll be to see me, how much she'll love me, and how she'll never leave me alone again... but it's not her I miss. She was never really around anyway, so it's not like I went from seeing her all the time, to seeing her never. She was never around, so not seeing her isn't shocking to me.

She slept when I was home, and worked when I was at school or sleeping. We haven't eaten together in weeks, possibly since the first session with Mrs. Samantha. I don't really know her, anymore. She was my best friend when my dad was around. She took care of me, she loved me... but now that she has to work, she's never there. And I understand that working is a necessity. It just... sucks.

But Mike is always there. I never have to worry about him not being there. He... makes me okay. He makes me want to get out of here. Please oh god, I want out of here.

" _God, I love you," Mike whispered to me, his pretty blue eyes staring into my green ones as he laid on top of me, his arms holding him above me so he wouldn't squish me into his mattress._

" _I love you too," I said softly, kissing his lips. He laughed and I pouted, "Aren't you supposed to be all cute about my kisses or something?" I whined, and he laughed again._

" _You're too cute." He said, kissing me softly. I moaned into his mouth, my body lighting on fire as he slowly kissed me in that way only he knows how. Mike has this uncanning ability to drive me insane with touches, and he doesn't mind doing it, either. I love him to slowly drive me insane... as long as he's insane with me._

I pushed his shirt up off his body, and marveled at his chest, wishing I could lick him everywhere but knowing I couldn't at the moment. He pulled away from my mouth and I whined in frustration. He laughed and pulled my shirt off, then kissed me hungrily. I moaned into his mouth, feeling needy and desperate.

Mike pulled his lips away from mine, and kissed down my neck. He sucked on my neck, and it made my skin tingle, my body wanting him. Oh god, how I love him. "Mikey..." I sighed, weaving my fingers through his hair as he sucked on my soft spot. I let out a whimper as I felt his teeth grazing my skin, and I pushed my hard member against his side, and then cried out at the friction. Oh so good...

I moaned as Mike stopped sucking my neck, and started kissing down my throat. He stopped at my nipples, and I whimpered. Oh my god...

He looked up at me, and smiled and I couldn't help but smile back at him. "I love you, Asher. I really do." He said and I felt his breath fan my slightly wet nipple, and it sent shivers down my spine in the best way possible. I couldn't help but moan quietly, and arch into his mouth.

" _I love you too, Mikey. Forever and always." I agree._

I fought back tears at that memory-it seemed so long ago... but in reality it was the last time I saw Mike. I missed him so much in this little shithole room. I felt like screaming. I want out NOW! I need my Mike.

I'm done with this bullshit. I want to let this motherfucker get punched in the fucking face. If I wasn't so damn tired of this asshole controlling me, I might have been scared, but instead, I sit on the edge of my cot, thinking. He'll come around soon, and I'll get out of here.

This guy is seriously freaking dumb, did he really think I'd just comply once I got fed up with his bullshit? Oh no, now it's my time.

When he comes in, he'll hand me a bowl of watery soup, and then he'll watch me eat it. Then he'll push me against the wall and... _ew, mental cringe_ , and then that's when I'll make my move. He can't shut the door because once you shut it, it locks on the outside immediately, so I've realized. At first I thought it was a real lock, but one of the times he locked me in here, I caught sight of the doorknob. It's a freezer door, and if he

shuts it, it automatically seals from the outside, keeping whatever is in, _inside_ of the room.

Of course I'm not just going to leave him there, I'm going to go to the police, and they'll come and take care of him. With that thought in my head, I lay down on the cot and start thinking about what's going to happen here in mere hours.

#  Єитєя ѕαи∂мαи

Looking at Mike made me feel really guilty, and I couldn't help it. I thought that getting out would make things go back to normal, but it didn't. In fact, things have never been harder. I really just wanted to be numb again. At least when I was numb off the morphine and dilaudid I didn't feel like a piece of shit.

I watched as Mike slept sitting beside me. I thought about asking him if he'd get on the bed with me, but I didn't want to risk hurting him again. The thought of hurting him mentally hurt me. I couldn't stand the thought of doing that again.

The nurse came back in, and she smiled sweetly as she checked my IV, and vitals while humming a song. The same song Mark was humming, in fact. She was pretty, I guess. She had brown hair, brown eyes, and a pale complexion. She was smiling, and I had to admit she looked pretty when she smiled. She was short, and slightly chubby, but she didn't look ugly, despite that. "What're you singing?" I asked her, shy.

"Oh, it's my boyfriend and I's song." She said, looking at me with pretty brown eyes. "It's Crimson Day by Avenged Sevenfold."

"Oh, I guess that's why I recognize it. Mark sings it, too." I said. She smiled happily.

"That's my man right there." She said.

"He's nice." I said shyly.

"Oh he's really nice. And awesome. He could take your boyfriend over there in an arm wrestling match." She said, smiling as she poked around on me. "Granted, to me it seems rather stupid. But you know how men are. They always want to prove their more of a man than other men. Hrm, something to ponder upon as you lay here in the boring damn room." She said, and I nodded.

"It's because he doesn't want to lose you." Mike said, and I jumped, looking at him. "What? Men do that. He's trying to show you he's the best man out there, because he doesn't want to lose you. Love does stuff like that to you."

"Yeah," she said with a smile, "He'll never lose me. He may be an asshole sometimes, but I love his asshole self. But I'll never touch his asshole. Ew." she said, scrunching her nose up in disgust, making Mike laugh.

"I'd hope you wouldn't babe," Mark said softly, coming up behind her. I laughed as her face turned red.

"Okay, I'm out of hereeee..." she said shyly, winked at Mark, and then skipped out of the room happily, yet in a hurry.

"Okay, so good news for you, Asher!" He said, "You can go home tomorrow."

"Really?" I asked, sitting up slowly, feeling sick. I didn't like that thought at all. I mean, I'd rather be in the hospital... "My mom is hardly home, though. I mean..." I said slowly.

"I'm sure you'll figure something out." Mark said and I sighed. I don't want to go home yet. I want to stay at the hospital until I'm safe again. I sighed, and looked over at Mike who seemed to have an idea. Once Mark finished talking, he left. Mike smiled at me, and kissed my hand making me tense before I relaxed.

"Why don't I move in to take care of you?" He asked softly. I sighed, and looked over his face. I knew he loved me, but can't he see that I'm damaged all to shit now? Before I was just broken... now I'm damaged. Hell, I'm practically blown to smithereens.

"That's a lot of work for you to do." I said, and he frowned. "I mean, I'm not crippled. I just have some bone fractures. I'm sure it'll be fine. I don't want to be an inconvenience to you any more than I already am, and I sure as hell don't want to hurt you again." I said cautiously. Mike smiled a little at me.

"Babe, do you want to know something?" He asked me, and I look at him cautiously.

"What?" I asked.

"I love you." He said. "If you think one accidental hit when you were having a panic attack is going to keep me from taking care of you, you are sadly mistaken. I believe that I deserve so much more than just this one hit... four months of god, I don't even know what you went through but your body tells so many bad things I don't even want to know about your mental bad things if it's nearly as bad as what it already seems to be!" He said. "I should have protected you. I should have been there."

"I wouldn't have let you take anything I took." I murmured, and he smiled sadly.

"I would take every ounce of your pain if I could, baby." He said. "That's what men do. They protect their lovers. Just because you're a guy doesn't mean I can't protect you. I wish you'd let me." He said. I frowned.

"I'm a man, too." I said. "Just, don't worry about what happened while I was there. Frankly, I don't want to talk about it, and I doubt you'd enjoy hearing about it. It was scary, and all I want to do is forget it." I said softly, and he nodded.

"I'm not going to make you talk about it. I want to know about it, sometime... when you're comfortable talking about it, though." he said, and I nodded.

"I love you, Mikey. And I'm sorry I hit you." I said, and he smiled at me calmly, and kissed my hand.

"I love you too, Asher." He said, and I smiled back at him.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I looked around my room, looking for anything that was different. My mom had agreed to let Mike move in. I was surprised, but also... relieved. Mike said his family owned his apartment building, so if we ever wanted to move out of my mom's house, he'd have an apartment for when we decided to. I smiled and flopped down on the bed.

Though I was nervous, I felt safer knowing that Mike was here. He'd promised me that if I was having a nightmare, he'd wake me up and let me freak out without him trying to touch me. He said if I wanted him to comfort me, he'd wait until after I had the panic attack.

Mike himself though, was a comfort. He made me feel a little safer, a little more comfortable. A little more human, a little less... dead.

The hospital gave me some oxycodone for my pain, because my entire body aches. I have a couple refills on it, and that comforted me for some reason. I really ached all over for a different kind of pill. I don't understand why, though.

Mike had brought his stuff over when my mom came into the hospital room last night. She got really emotional when she saw me, and she had to leave for a minute to calm down because she didn't want me to see her all upset, she didn't want to stress me out. My mom said she's pressing charges for stalking, kidnapping, rape, and some other stuff against the man. Though I knew his name was Jeffrey Ducaine, I didn't dare utter the name myself.

The only thing that my mom was uneasy about was me having to speak about what happened. My mom said that if I didn't feel comfortable doing it, I didn't have to, but I felt like I needed to. If I didn't do it, he'd not get nearly as long as he deserves. I need to testify. I _need_ to do it. I can't be a pussy about this.

Mike went over to his apartment to get his last load of stuff so that we could set our room up together. I was happy with that, because I really... love Mike. I don't want to lose him, and I don't want him to get tired of me. I smiled a little when I heard Mike's car pull into the drive.

According to my mom, Mike and I were going to get married. We're going to have kids, and forever live in her house. I scoffed because marriage is overrated, isn't it? Do I need a piece of paper to tell me that I love someone enough to spend forever with them? Not in my eyes, I don't.

I sighed and looked around my room. Today, I'm no longer a boy. I'm living with my boyfriend. That's adult territory, isn't it? I smiled at Mike when he opened my bedroom door. "All that's left is the furniture. Which when I checked with my Aunt was fine, because she is going to pick up the payments on the apartment so that I don't lose it." He said, and I nodded. "Well, I guess I'm gonna shove this shit in the-" He started.

"Babe, just make room for yourself." I yawned. "Move my shit around and make room. I don't care. We're living together, but just because my shit was here first doesn't mean your shit is going in the closet." I said, and he laughed at me softly.

"Well, if you insist." He teased, and I nodded, and laid my head down on my pillow. Sleep overtook me, and I was grateful for that. Sleep... oh god it's so amazing.

"Baby," Mike whispered, pushing his lips against mine softly. I tensed, before calming down and opening my eyes. His pretty blue eyes caressed my face, and I blushed, biting my lip.

"Hi." I whispered, and he smiled at me.

"Hello." He said softly, and kissed my cheek softly. "I love you, babe." He said, and I smiled.

"I love you too." I said, and kissed him on the lips softly. He kissed me back, and it made my body light on fire. I pull him over on top of me and moan when I feel his hard on against my leg through our clothes. He groaned into my mouth and rubbed against me.

I gasped, and bit into his lip as I tried to push his shirt up and off. "Off." I whined, and he chuckled and pulled his shirt off. Then he pushed mine up, and our skin touched.

When our skin touched, I moaned, and tried to ignore the pang of fear that shot up my spine. The longer our skin touched, the worse it got. "Oh god stop!" I cried, pushing him away. He didn't protest, just moved away, and I worked on steadying my breathing. Panic overtook me, and I pulled my legs up to my chest, and stared at Mike. Mike stared at me back with a gentle smile.

"It's okay, baby." He said, and inched forward. I tensed, but didn't cry, so he inched a little closer. He put his hand on mine softly, and I flinched, but then curled my fingers around his softly, scared.

"It's okay, baby," he said again.

No, it's really not. "Okay," I agreed, softly. I don't want him to know how upset I am. I can't let him see me like this. "My ribs hurt." I said softly, and he smiled kindly.

"I'll go get your meds for the pain, baby." He said, and I nodded.

"Thanks." I whisper, and he smiles back at me.

"No problem." He replied, and kissed my head before going to get me my pain medication. _I really wish I had some of those magic little pills that he gave me, they made things so much easier to deal with._ I sighed and took the pills Mike gave me. Thankfully, they at least took an edge of my pain because I was slightly numb. I wanted to be more numb, but at least it's a little numb.

I lie awake for a while, wishing that I'd just go to sleep. Sleep. Sleep. Sleep. God I want to sleep.

When I finally fell asleep, I thanked god for the blessing of the escape from my reality.

# Α ℓιттℓє вιт мє, α ℓιттℓє вιт уσυ

Mike sat beside me at the bar, his shoulder occasionally bumped into mine, and I'd tense a second then calm down again as we ate breakfast. The bar in the kitchen was a lot easier to eat at, and quicker for before school meals.

My mom had made the decision that I needed to get back to school, and get back to my life before I let myself go completely, and I guess I was glad because I really wanted to graduate, but I couldn't help but feel fear dipping into my head. I had the oxycodone in my backpack, Mike had made sure I took one this morning, and he told me to take them incase I really need them once I get there.

Mike told me that he'd been skipping school as often as possible, claiming sick since I was... _kidnapped_. I'm not a damn kid, though. I'm fucking... almost eighteen. I'm not a kid anymore.

I sighed in exasperation, and Mike laughed. "You're moody today." He teased, and kissed my cheek. I tensed a little, and huffed in annoyance but he ignored it. I knew why, he was trying to keep from upsetting me.

That pissed me off, too.

I'm not a fucking kid. You don't have to protect my fucking feelings. Just fucking tell me what you're thinking. Just because I was abducted doesn't mean you can treat me like a fucking porcelain doll. Jesus christ.

I didn't make my thoughts known, mostly because I didn't feel like dealing with it. I don't want to argue, I just want to survive. I pushed away over half of my food, not able to eat it. My stomach felt sick, and I rushed up the stairs, and threw it up. _I hate fucking puking!_ I sighed, and stood up, and walked back down to Mike.

"Still can't hold solid food down?" He asked me, and I shrugged.

"Tried." I mumbled, and he nodded.

"That's all that matters." He said, and I fought back a scoff. _Oh yeah, trying is all that matters. You tried to eat, and you ate. I tried to eat, and got sick halfway through. The difference between our tries is that I can't hold down the food, and you can._ I felt like a giant douche bag, but I couldn't help it. I'm fucking pissed off at everything.

I sighed, and followed him to his car. He opened the door for me, and I got in. I actually appreciate that, since my wrist had been aching a little. I felt so bad for being rude to Mike mentally. It made me feel like a piece of fucking shit. I sighed and kissed his cheek softly, fighting back a flinch at how close I had to get to him to do that.

For some reason, skin contact freaks me out. It makes panic seize my body, and even though I understood it, I was raped, after all... it was frustrating, still.

It made me mad that I couldn't just do what I wanted to with my boyfriend now because him touching me makes me think of that... _freakshow._ Like what the fuck is wrong with me? Why do I think of him when Mike's touching me? Or why am I thinking about him now, when someone just accidentally bumped into me? Why am I freaking the fuck out? Oh yeah, because rape makes you fucking crazy.

Or it makes you broken. Whatever you choose, I guess.

I saw Scottie walking--more like running--to me. He looked overjoyed to see me, and I couldn't lie, I missed him so much, seeing him made me happy.

I sighed and tensed when I felt his thin but slightly muscular arms wrap around me. "Oh my god babe I missed you!" Scottie said, and I immediately wrapped my arms around him, still tense, but not as bad.

"I missed you too." I whispered softly, feeling eyes on me from everywhere. Mike looked happy to see me slightly less tense, but I knew it probably hurt his feelings that I hadn't hugged him completely. It's not that we haven't hugged, it's just... his muscles are intimidating to me. They make me feel safe, but when he touches me, all I think about are _his_ muscles.

Scottie kissed my lips softly then wrapped his arm around my neck. "You're gonna like it here now." He said, and I looked at him confused.

"Why?" I asked, and he smirked as he pulled back from around my neck and smiled at me happily.

"Well Jasper got his ass detention. He also got beat up by the football team for fucking all their girlfriends and being so damn rude to them." He giggled. I smirked. "Oh, and Rhys isn't a jack ass anymore. A lot of people missed you that you didn't even know knew you, babe." He said, and I giggled. "So, how've you been since... it happened?" He asked, and I shrugged lightly and rolled my eyes.

"Well, I've been okay. I have some issues with touching." I sighed, looking longingly at Mike, who seemed bothered by something. I gently wrapped my pinkie finger around his forefinger and he smiled at me and kissed my head. I forced back a flinch. How embarrassing must it be to have his boyfriend barely able to touch him for no good reason at all?

"I'm going to steal Asher for now!" Scottie said, and Mike nodded and turned to Jake. Scottie pulled me off away from Mike and Jake and we walked a bit. "So Ash, how really are you?" He asked, and I shrugged.

"I guess I was expecting being back to be... different?" I asked, and he nodded. "I thought after going through all of that, I'd be happier to be alive. I'd want to live more but... it seems like ever since it made things harder to enjoy." I said, and he nodded understandingly.

"Asher, you're not the only one who goes through this stuff honey, and I know that's insensitive however, it's true. I didn't go through it at your magnitude, no, but I've been through it. And I understand that you are freaking out right now because whenever Mike touches you you're entire body clenches up, and you don't want it to. You're freaking out because you don't control as much as you thought you did. However, you're strong enough to get through this." He said, and I smiled.

"Thanks Scottie." I whispered, and he smiled.

"No problem, babe." He said, and slipped his hand into mine. "I will tell you this though... if you want to touch Mike, you have to spend time with him. Establish a bond that no one can break. You have to trust him." Scottie said, and I nodded.

"That makes sense." I said, and he smiled a little.

"Hey, also, when you do it, try to touch him as much as possible. I know skin contact freaks you out, but once you touch him enough and see that he's nothing like _him_ you'll be okay, I promise." He said, and I nodded. That made sense, and I decided I'd try it. I know it's weird to be so scared of something so... seemingly harmless but the mere thought of anyone touching me sent my body into a panic.

"Hey, what's morphine and dilaudid?" I asked him, and he jumped.

"Morphine is a heavy duty pain medicine, and dilaudid is given to cancer patients for pain. It's hardcore shit." He explained and I nodded.

"I was just wondering." I said, and he looked at me.

"Is that what you overdosed on?" He asked, and I nodded hesitantly.

"Yeah, I'm not going to lie, ever since I got out of there I've really wanted some more of them. I can't tell if it's because it makes me not feel like a piece of shit over what happened while I was in that place, or if it's because it numbs me to everything in my own head. I can't tell." I said. Scottie bit his lip.

"I know a guy who sells morphine. I'll get you a little. But you have to hide that shit. Don't take too much, or be too obvious about it. You probably have to wean yourself off of them to avoid going psycho. Just promise me if you start having cravings for it you'll get help, okay? I've had some weird shit happen due to prescription drugs." He said and I nodded, and he smiled. A few seconds of silence passed between the two of us, and then he looked down at me and smile. "I'm glad you're okay, Ash." He said, and I smiled shyly.

"Me too, actually." I whispered, and he smiled.

"I know you are, and it's okay to be scared but one day, you won't be anymore. And you'll look back on this, and see that you're a lot better than you were when it first happened." He said, and I nodded.

"Hey thanks, Scottie. I'm glad you talked to me about this because I was overwhelmed with everything and I needed to talk to someone who wasn't treating me like a porcelain doll. It was annoying the hell out of me." I said, and he smiled a little, and nodded.

"No problem babe. Just be happy that you're safe now and not stuck there with that freak. By the way when is the trial?" He asked, and I sucked in a breath.

"The 3rd of next month," I admitted slowly and he nodded in understanding.

"I'll be there with you and so will Jake and Mike. For some reason I believe that something interesting is going to happen before it happens, though." Scottie said, and I nodded slightly glad to be hear that he was going to be with me while I went through it. It's utterly horrifying to face that and I don't really want to do it alone. Having Mike, Jake, and Scottie there will make testifying against him a lot easier.

I knew that Mike was going to go ape shit on him if he ever got within a 50 mile radius and I didn't want that stress however, I kind of wanted to see him get the shit beat out of him. It kind of seemed like it was well deserved if you ask me.

Scottie smiled at me, and I felt somewhat better after talking to him. I am really, really glad that he talked to me, because for some reason, I felt like he got it. I felt like even though it's insensitive, and selfish, that he was telling the truth. I don't want to be certified psycho. I bit my lip and walked next to Scottie.

I am really glad that I have so many good friends. I know I wouldn't have gotten through this without them all. I never thought I'd be able to say that, and the fact that I can makes me happy.

I'm glad that I finally have some sort of a happy life, and I'm not going to let go of it because some douche-bag decided that he wanted to drug and rape me a lot of times.

This is my life, and I'll be dammed if I let anyone take my happiness away from me now.

I'm fucking tired of being a little bitch. As of now, I'm done biting the fucking pillow and taking it up the ass. I'm going to confront my problems. I'm a man, and I need to stop acting like a little kid. In a few months I'll be eighteen, and then if I act like this, I'll be seriously screwed.

No, I'm going to focus on just existing, just living my life and just being me. That's all I really can do at this point. Nothing will ever take away the pain that he caused me; _however_ I can choose not to let it bother me.

When his sorry ass is locked up in a jail cell, I'll stop thinking about this entirely. That's a promise.

# Яιѕє αвσνє тнιѕ

I smiled shyly at Mike and bit my lip. Should I ask him if he wants to hang out? What the hell am I saying, he fucking lives with me? God, I think I deserve an award for being the biggest idiot in the world. "So um, I was thinking that tonight, we could have some us time." I said shyly, and he smiled brightly.

"Of course," he said, and I immediately felt like an asshole for overthinking it all that much. He didn't even sound like he had to think about it, yet I spent like, thirty seconds of my life worrying about asking him to hang out. That's embarrassing. "What were you thinking about doing?" He asked, and I shrugged.

"I don't know." I said. "Honestly, I want to get used to touching you." I told him shyly. "I mean, like, obviously we have to hug and stuff so I figured we would need to work on that because as of right now, skin contact of any kind makes my entire body seize up painfully and yeah... so work up to it."

"Don't force yourself," he said quickly and I smiled.

"Mike, I want to do this." I said. "I need to."

"Alright, as long as you are sure," He said and I nodded, and wrapped my pinkie finger around his. Soon enough I hope to be able to actually wrap my hand around his, and I hope to be able to kiss him, and I hope to be able to feel him.

I _hope_ I am strong enough to do this because I want to touch him. I need to touch him. I just can't shake the fear and it's unreasonable, I know but I want to get past it all so I'm going to do whatever it takes to get passed it. I'm not a kid anymore. I'm old enough to do this without being a baby.

Mike and I sat on my bed, staring awkwardly at each other. All I wanted to do was touch him, so why can't I? I sighed and stared at him, thinking. I reached my hand out and touched his cheek softly, feeling the light stubble on it brushing against my fingertips.

He sighed and didn't move, letting me take my time. I internally thanked him for that. I need to do this. "I missed you." I whispered to him softly, and he sucked in a breath. "I thought about you every day." I admitted. "All I wanted was to have you. I promised myself if I got out of there, I'd make the best of my life. I plan to do that, with you." I said, and he smiled softly, and touched my hand ever so softly.

"I missed you so much Ash." He whispered, and I stared into his pretty blue eyes, happy to hear that he missed me. "I wish I could have swapped places with you. I never want you to have to feel pain... I never want you to have to go through that." I sucked in a breath and leaned forward a little, and pressed my lips against his. I didn't push it, just pulled back, and smiled at him.

"I did it." I whispered, and he smiled. "I didn't freak out. Okay, so again, this time, more contact." I said, confidently. He laughed and stared at me waiting.

"Oh my turn," he asked, and I rolled my eyes. "Okay." He said, and softly put his hand on my face. I sucked in a deep breath and fought back a flinch. _I can do this._ I chanted in my head. I nervously leaned forward. Our lips touched, and for a minute fear shot through me and I tensed.

Mike went to pull back and I frowned.

"I can't do this to you." He said, and I frowned deeply. "I love you Ash, I do. But I feel like I'm torturing you. If you want to do this, we'll do it slowly. I can't hurt you, not after what you went through."

"I just want things to go back to normal, Mike." I whispered, and he nodded in understanding. "I promised myself when I got out I was going to live life a little freer, but it seems like I keep stepping on my own toes, and everyone elses, too. I don't want to be the reason no one has any fun." I said softly, and Mike frowned.

"Ash, baby, I know you're all screwed up," he said, "I know that. I hope that I can help you get through this soon, and I want you to live your life to the fullest." I smiled softly.

"I just want... to touch you." I whispered softly, my fingers running over his chest softly. "I missed you, and I want you to take the memories away, and make it not scary anymore." I said, wiping my eyes shyly, trying to hide my tears. "I know that's unreasonable, and I know that touching me is hard now... I'm... not me anymore." I whispered softly. "I know that you're in a tough place because I know, I _know_ you crave the feeling of me against you, or at least someone..." I said, not bothering with my tears anymore. "I'm going to let you... fool around with other people. We'll still be together but... I can't give you..." I started, and Mike grabbed my finger softly.

"NO," He said, and I jumped. "Ash, if I can't touch _you_ , if I can't kiss _you_ , if I can't feel _you_ , then I don't want to feel anyone." He said softly. "I love _you_ and this isn't purely sexual, Ash, this is a real relationship. One that I don't need physical gratification from," he said, and I flushed brightly suddenly feeling stupid. "Whether you get over this in a week, a month, a year, or ten years, I'll wait for you." He told me, and I flushed bright red and smiled softly. "Listen Ash, if you're worried about my gratification, there are ways around touching each other. I have beaten myself off since I was twelve, that's not something I am against." He laughed.

I blushed brightly and bit my lip. "I'm sorry..." I whispered. "I know it's stupid but... I feel like I'm disappointing you sexually because my entire body is fighting against me." I whispered.

"Sex is... great." He said softly. "But you are better. If touching is too much for you, then it'll be okay. I don't need to have sex with you for you to have something to do. I can watch movies with you, and we can eat ice cream. We can smoke some weed, or sleep. Hell, I'm not opposed to walking on the fucking beach. As long as you are there." He said softly, and I blushed brightly and smiled softly.

"Thank you, Mikey." I said softly, and he smiled at me.

"Don't thank me for loving you Ash," he said softly. I looked at him and bit my lip softly.

"I do thank you though." I said. "Not just for loving me, but for... being you." I bit my lip and wrapped my pinkie around his pinkie softly, and blushed brightly.

"How about I go pop some pop-corn and you pick out a movie. We'll watch some television and chill out. If you feel up to it, we'll cuddle a bit. If not, that's fine too." He said and I smiled at him and nodded.

I pulled up the menu to the television and found a movie called _Sociopath_ and at first, I really didn't want to watch it, but after reading the information on it, I found that it wasn't scary, really, so that opened it up as a possibly.

Mike walked back into the room and sat down beside me on the bed, and sat the pop-corn in between us. I giggled and took a piece of the pop-corn and ate it slowly, over chewing it so that hopefully, it won't end up coming back up.

"I wanna try something," I whispered softly, and Mike looked at me confused. "Not sexual," I clarified, and he rolled his eyes and laid back on the bed, getting comfortable. "Don't wrap your arms around me," I warned him softly, and laid down beside him, resting my head on his chest softly. At first I was stiff, nerves making me slightly sick, however, the longer I laid there, the less nervous I got. "I'm okay." I whispered softly, and he smiled a little. He made sure not to wrap his arm around me. I pressed the rent button on the movie, and it started playing.

Watching the movie because less of a priority as I found myself relaxing into Mike's arms. I hadn't felt this... comfortable, and safe, since before the kidnapping, and I was glad that I was getting to experience this.

Even if this changes nothing, and I can't do it tomorrow, or the day after... at least I know I can do it over time.

Spending time with Mike made me happy, and the longer I laid there, him making stupid jokes about the main character looking psycho instead of socio, and me laughing because he was right. The time passed quickly, and I found that just being in his presence, just knowing he's in the room with me, made me feel safe. It made me feel like I was special, like I mattered...

For some reason, that made me extremely happy.

# Ιиѕι∂є συт

Scottie and I decided we wanted to meet up at my house while Mike was out. Apparently Scottie had gotten his friend to give him the pills and now he wanted to give them to me. I was beyond grateful, because I really just wanted to take something to numb my thoughts a bit.

I'm not necessarily _unhappy_ but... I've been in a better mood before.

Mike and Jake were hanging out at Jake's house playing video games or whatever it is they do together and I couldn't help but find myself glad Mike was gone. I hadn't talked to Mike about the morphine; however, I didn't think it'd be a good idea in the least. I knew he'd tell me I didn't need to take the morphine, and I didn't want to have to feel guilty about it.

I just need the momentary release, and once this guy is locked up for good, I won't need it anymore. Scottie let himself in, something I'd told him to do a thousand times before, but when he came into my room he looked overly happy.

"ASH!!" He said excitedly, and I smiled softly.

"Hey Scottie," I said softly, and he smiled.

"I brought you those pills." He said slowly. "But you can only take _one_ a day, two at most if you absolutely have to. It was hard to get my hands on these without my mother getting a call from my brother; however, I convinced the shit to shut his mouth and swore they weren't for me." He said, and I nodded understandingly.

"Thank you so much, Scottie." I said, and he nodded hesitantly.

"Ash before I give you these I want to talk to you..." he said slowly, and I nodded, concerned. "These pills aren't good for you. If you're craving them, you're addicted, and I understand needing a way out... but these are dangerous. They can really make you sick." He said slowly. "I know from experience what high-end pain meds do to you, I've almost died from them. I'm asking you one final time..." he said softly. "Are you craving them?" he said, and I bit my lip.

Should I tell him yes? Should I say that I don't really know? I don't know if I'm addicted to them. I don't want to think I am, but it's a possibility. I don't really understand a lot of things that's been happening to my body recently, however I should know if this is something I really want to do or not.

I looked into Scottie's eyes, I saw the fear in his eyes, and the hopeful glint there stopped me. _Do I really want this?_ I bit my lip, and shook my head.

"Scottie flush those things." I said, my voice strained, I wanted to keep them, but I knew... I couldn't. He sighed in relief and went to the bathroom. Minutes later I heard the toilet flush and I started to cry.

What the hell is wrong with me? Why am I trying so damned hard to hurt myself, unintentionally? I keep making stupid decisions. I made the decision to try to force myself to touch Mike, and I only ended up making us both uncomfortable. I made the decision to stop seeing Mrs. Samantha, and I only ended up not realizing that I was craving a pill that could probably kill me. I made the decision to ask Scottie to get me pills I knew were probably dangerous... but that didn't occur to me. No, it never crossed my mind.

Scottie came over to the bed, and sat in front of me. "Ash, this isn't your fault." He whispered. "It's his... and you need to know that. You need to understand that you didn't ask for any of this, and you didn't deserve it."

"I know that..." I whispered softly. "I lied to Mike, well sort of, at least." I said, "I didn't tell him about the pills, and I should have."

"Yes, but you didn't keep them." Scottie said softly. "Once you get this trail out of the way, I know things will start to get better for you." He said.

"I hope so, Scottie. I really do." I said, and he nodded. "I think I need to talk to Mike. And I need to tell him what happened." I said softly, and he looked at me, startled.

"Why?" he asked me.

"Because... he has stuck with me through so much... I need him to know." I said, and Scottie nodded. "He's going to be there at the trail. I don't want him to find it all out while he's there. I want him to know, so he doesn't end up committing a crime himself." I said, trying to chuckle a little.

"Ash, you probably do need to talk about it with him." He admitted, and I smiled softly, looking at the guy who I deemed my best friend, ever.

"I'm really glad that I met you." I whispered, and he smiled at me easily.

"I'm glad I met you, too." He admitted.

A while after Scottie left, I laid on my bed, thinking. I have to tell Mike because he deserves to know. When Mike gets here, I want to tell him everything.

I realized that I keeping it from him wasn't beneficial to either of us, and in fact, it was only holding us back. I knew it was like an elephant in the room that neither of us could talk about.

Tonight, we are talking about it. We have to. I need to.

At half past eight, Mike walked into our room, and when he laid eyes on me he smiled happily. "I missed you," he said, and laid on the bed beside me.

"I missed you too." I admitted, and kissed his cheek softly. "I wanted to talk to you." I said shyly, and sat up. "I'm not entirely sure how to because this is going to be painful... but I want you to know exactly what happened while _he_ had before anyone else knows." I said softly.

"Don't make yourself uncomfortable," he said instantly, but I could see his mind going in thirteen different directions, wanting to know what happened.

"I thought it was you when I answered the door." I whispered. "I had been waiting on you because Scottie and I were going to hang out, and I was going to kiss you and then send you home because we needed a 'twink night'" I said in quotation marks. "I really wanted to see you and so as soon as the door was knocked on I slammed it open. Of course it obviously wasn't you... he put something over my face... long story short there, I woke up in a really cold room." I said, taking a shaky breath. "It started off with just a blowjob. I thought that it was just a little kink and after a blowjob he'd let me go..." I said softly. "I don't really remember how many blowjobs he made me give him. There was so many. At first I was disgusted. However... he raped me... many times. He gave me drugs so I wouldn't fight back..." I whispered, feeling ashamed. "I still feel his hands on me sometimes... the only reason I got out was because I pretended to take the pills and he got careless and didn't check. However... when I got away I accidentally swallowed them. I was running, and I didn't... think to spit them out. I was naked, and cold, and hungry, dizzy, and my entire body hurt so bad... I just wanted to die. But... I stayed sane thanks to my thoughts of you." I admitted, blushing brightly. "He didn't give me real food, he gave me this watery soup like stuff that was disgusting and I could never hold it down. Probably why I can't eat now, right? Everything just comes back up..." I whispered. "But I fought back. I think he was planning on killing me when I escaped, actually." I admitted. "He gave me a really high dose of the pills, and it'd been plenty long enough for them to burn off in my system so... I think he purposefully overdosed me. I think he was going to let me die and then dump me in a bathroom or something so someone would think I accidentally overdosed or something... I don't know for sure but that's just what I think happened. I know a lot of it I was very high during, and logically I know that's probably why I'm having so many issues processing everything... but on the other hand... I'm glad I don't remember some of it... because I know that I probably couldn't handle knowing it all." I admitted. "I guess that's kind of a vague description of what happened, but that's what I was going to tell everyone else... I just... I don't want to delve into the details... and I'm really sorry Mikey. I was going to I swear... but I can't." I choked up, and he came forward slowly and gently wrapped his arms around me.

"Shh..." he whispered softly. "It's okay baby, don't make yourself uncomfortable." He said, and for once, I didn't tense at his touch. "I love you, and I'll protect you from anyone else who tries to hurt you." He promised me, and I nodded, crying into his chest like a child.

I promised myself I was going to be a man and not care, but I can't stop myself from caring. As pathetic as it made me, I needed to cry it out. I needed to get this out, and I needed to do it while I could.

"I'm going to protect you, Ash." He told me softly. "I'm never going to hurt you. Not like this. I'm going to be here for you, and I'm going to take care of you. I love you, and it's going to be okay." He said to me, and I whimpered softly, looking up at him with tears on my cheeks.

"Promise?" I asked him weakly. He nodded, and pressed his lips to my face gently.

"I promise." He said and I blushed brightly.

"Thank you..." I whispered shyly.

"It's no big deal, sweetheart." He said, and kissed my lips softly.

I don't really know how long we sat there like that, but however long it was, it was pure bliss to me and I loved it. I loved feeling his hands on my back, slowly comforting me in a way I hadn't been able to physically handle. I was glad I opened up to him because I wouldn't be able to do this with him if I hadn't have opened up about all of this. It's what made me know he wasn't going to hurt me, truly.

Somewhere in my fucked up mind, that was actually a fear, I guess. I smiled softly, and pressed a sweet and gentle kiss to his cheek. He maneuvered us so we were lying down, and I felt immensely tired so I didn't complain.

Somewhere between him whispering sweet nothings in my ear and his calming breathing, and his amazingly warm body that I hadn't been able to be this close to since I've been back, I fell asleep. Just as I was drifting off I heard him whisper softly into my hair, "I'll never leave you alone."

I couldn't fight off a smile that forced its way onto my face as I fell asleep.

# Ι ¢αυgнт fιяє

You know that saying 'ignorance is bliss'? Whoever created that saying was a fucking genius. After Christmas, which I totally am not feeling, comes the trial. I couldn't really see myself enjoying this Christmas; however, here I sit, in front of a fucking Christmas tree.

Not only was I in front of a Christmas tree with barely any decorations on it, the atmosphere in the room was merely uncomfortable, and I knew I wouldn't be able to stomach dinner. I forced a smile and pretended like I actually cared about the holiday.

Mike sat beside me, and my mom rambled on and on about how she would have gotten him something for Christmas but she didn't know him well enough to know exactly what to get him.

I could have told her, but she never even asked me. I could have told her he had the largest collection of classic records I'd ever seen. I could have told her that he'd like a card, or money. I could have told her he plays video games a lot, so many a gift card to the stop'n'game down the street. I could have told her anything better than listening to her ramble on and on about how she didn't really know what to get him.

She handed me a package, and I hadn't opened it yet, but I figured it was something that ultimately would embarrass me. My mother never fails to do a kick ass job of making me look like a toddler in diapers.

Nonetheless, I was sitting there, holding the gift awkwardly and feeling ultimately like a piece of shit because I didn't bother getting Mike anything. I mean, Christmas snuck up on me, and I was in a cold basement for most of the past four months, so I think I get a little bit of an excuse; however I still felt really bad.

Mike had been acting kind of strange for the past couple of days, and he was obviously keeping something from me. I didn't know what exactly, but he was. He sat next to me, biting his lip and staring at me like I had a second head.

It got to the point where I was actually considering I might have a huge zit on my nose or something because he wouldn't quit staring.

"So..." I said awkwardly as Mike bit his lip.

"I got you something..." he said slowly. "And don't feel obligated to take it just because I spent a lot of money on it—why did I say that?" he was getting all bent out of shape and confused. "Um, well here's the thing... we have been together a year now, almost and I've never loved anyone as much as I love you." He started off. "I can't stand the thought of ever being away from you, and I can't handle the thought of you ever leaving me for someone else, I guess I'm selfish. I want us to be forever, and I get it if you haven't got that feeling yet, but... I've felt this way all along, and... I'm not saying right away either because that'd be rushing it a little bit and I hate things being rushed and I know you wouldn't want to rush things either considering but um I kind of want to..." he trailed off, and I raised an eyebrow. He's seriously being weird and I don't know what he's talking about. He's kind of being awkward, and not making much sense. "I want you to um, be my fiancé." He said, and I gasped, as he pulled out a little purple velvet box. "So I know this is kind of sudden so you can slap me and like, tell me I'm fucking crazy but umm... I know what I want." He said.

"And w-what is that?" I asked shyly.

"I want you to marry me." He said, and I blushed, biting my lip softly.

"Yes." I whispered, and he smiled brightly.

"Here, I hope you like it... it's kind of dorky, but I didn't really know what your ring finger size was so yeah..." he said and handed me the box after opening it.

I looked at the ring he gave me and gasped. The eternity sign was made of silver, and it had red diamonds all over it. "I knew you wouldn't want anything really girly or anything, but I wanted you to have a ring so I had this one altered so it wouldn't be all girly and shit." He said. "There is an inscription, and if you want to read it, it's there." He said. I took the ring out of the case and tilted it slightly.

_My love, my angel, and my forever_ was in scripted on it, and I blushed brightly and kissed him softly. "I love it, Mikey. I love it, and I love you!" I said, and pressed my lips to his softly.

"I love you too," he said softly, and kissed my nose once he pulled back from my lips. "I am glad you didn't get me anything for Christmas." He said slowly.

"Why is that, now?" I asked him and he kissed my nose.

"Because, you saying yes made me happier than anything else ever possibly could," he said, and I giggled softly. I looked over at my mom who was rubbing her eyes softly, looking at us with swollen red eyes. I blushed, and she smiled at me.

"I'm happy my son met you, Mike." She said simply, before standing up. "Now, we're going to go eat a couple cookies and clean up the kitchen. Then I'm going to bed, because I'm tired."

"Okay mom." I said, and Mike nodded, feeling awkward because my mom complimented him in a good way, and so abruptly.

It has been a couple days since Mike and I talked about what happened while I was with him, and while I still couldn't say his name nor hear it without absolutely going into a panic attack, I haven't been having as many issues with touching him.

I think tonight I'm going to try to... sleep with him. I blushed at the thought, and bit my lip. I can do it, I know I can.

While Mike and my mother ate, I contemplated. I still can't eat without vomiting at least some of it up, and if I'm planning on having sex with Mike I can't have puke breath, so I decided against eating.

He had been glancing over at me curiously the entire time he ate, and I could tell he knew I was thinking about something really hard. I always overthink everything which normally makes things turn out slightly messed up and awkward.

It wasn't until Mike leaned over the dishwasher and I whispered in his ear, "tonight, you're mine," before nipping at his ear and hauling ass away from him that he got a clue about what I was planning.

He just didn't know how serious I was. I headed up to our room early, and showered before I got into my closet and dug out the hand-cuffs I used from my Halloween costume the last time I dressed up.

The hand-cuffs were for Mike. I knew that if I tied his hands together so he couldn't touch me, I'd have a better chance at actually doing this. If he even gripped my hips, I might stop out of fear. However, if he literally can't stop me from getting off him, it wouldn't scare me nearly as much.

Granted, the whole 'skin contact' thing was inevitable.

When Mike finally made his way into the room, he was looking sexy as hell. I walked over to him, and kissed him softly. I was wearing nothing but one of his batman tee-shirts and I led him over to the bed. "So the only way I'll be able to do this is if you can't touch me." I whispered, a blush on my cheeks. "So I figured out a way to make me feel safer while we do this... but you have to be willing to... um... be handcuffed to the bed..." I said awkwardly.

Mike nodded, and took his shirt off. "We can stop at any time that you want to." He said comforting, and I motioned for him to lie down. He laid down on the bed, and I straddled his chest. He reached his hands up and I hooked them together with the handcuffs attached to the bed.

I trailed my fingers over the smooth skin of his chest, and dared to kiss him softly. Mike's hair messily scattered all over the place as we kissed. At first I was a little tense, but the more I got into it, the less I thought about it.

Needless to say, by the end of the night, we were both pretty much useless.

# Мя. вяιgнтѕι∂є

I woke up to sweet little kisses being trailed down my neck by Mike. I giggled softly, and wrapped my arms around his neck. Ever since we had sex the other day, we'd been more love sick than usual. I've definitely began to trust him more.

It was hard at first. I didn't think I'd be able to follow through, but ultimately, Mike's patience and understanding helped me get through it. Well, that and his willingness to be tied up so he couldn't touch me.

Ever since I had sex with him and I saw that he'd never force me to do anything—not that I ever really thought he would in the first place, however, it was just the proof and motivation I needed to be okay.

I still struggle with other peoples touch, but I can touch Mike decently enough to where it's not awkward and slightly uncomfortable.

"I know you don't want to... but baby it's time to get up." He said softly, and I groaned.

"Can't we skip it?" I asked and he shook his head no, and kissed my nose. "Damn," I said sullenly, and watched as he stood up.

"However, when we get done with the trail, we can put this all behind us, and we'll never have to think about it again. We'll be okay." He said softly, and I nodded shyly.

"Okay, let's go." I said.

We showered, and got ready to leave. Once we were ready, we met my mom in the kitchen. Soon as we ate, we were off to the courthouse where ultimately, what I say will impact someone else's life. Great, because obviously I have made so many great life choices, I should have control over someone else's fate, too.

I sighed and looked down at my hands the entire ride to the courthouse. I didn't know what to say, or what to do.

Twenty minutes later when Mike pulled up at the courthouse, I was freaking out. Seconds later, my mom's car came up beside ours and parked. I sighed as this just became so much more real... "Mike I just can't do this..." I whispered, my breathing going all over.

"Calm down baby. Breathe. You can do this. If it gets too much, we'll come back out. Breathe." He said, and I nodded. I took a minute to gather myself, and with all the strength I had, I took Mikes hand, and got out of the car. Fear shot down my spine, but I ignored it. _I can do this..._

I sighed as Mike held my hand and led me to the courtroom. He smiled encouragingly, and I went in, him following me. As soon as I walked in, the entire room silenced. I felt extremely uncomfortable, and I fought the urge to roll my eyes. What? Didn't they know the victim would be here?

" _That's him,"_ a lady whispered, her blue eyes on me. I blushed and walked faster.

" _He's the victim."_ A man said as I walked past to his wife, or girlfriend. Maybe even his older daughter. I didn't know, I didn't care... I'm not some topic of fucking conversation. I'm not just a victim; I'm a fucking human being.

The words didn't leave my lips, though.

The conversations continued, but I did my best to ignore them. I couldn't likely tell them to shove it up their ass, and even if I could, they'd never listen. I'd just be a dick, and I don't want to just be a dick. I don't know what is up. I just want to be okay.

When the judge came into the room, the same silence passed over the courtroom. Two police officers brought out _him_ and the minute I saw him, I tensed up.

The trail began, and I tuned it out, mentally preparing myself to speak to the judge.

My mind began to swim, but I looked at Mike, and then up the way at Scottie, whose face was absolutely shrouded with hate. I then looked beside Scottie, where Jake was. Jake who I probably wasn't as close with, looked very angry. I looked around, and I saw Rhys. He wasn't sitting with Jasper, but when I looked around more I saw Jasper hunched over in the very back row with a look of hate on his face.

I sighed deeply, and breathed.

I can do this.

I can do this.

I have to do this.

I sighed again, and looked up, waiting for my name to be called. When I was up to speak, a shot of fear went up my spine, and then quickly I walked to the stand. "Thank you for joining us today, Asher." The judge said comfortingly. "So, can you tell us exactly what Mr. Ducaine did to you?" he asked me.

I sucked in a breath, and looked _him_ in the eyes. "He did so much to me, I can't even begin to make anyone understand. He... forced me to suck him off, and then he raped me. He gave me drugs to keep me from fighting back," I said weakly. "He gave me this disgusting soup stuff, that made me sick... I didn't have a bathroom, I had to use the floor." I said. "He fractured a couple of my ribs, and I still can't eat without getting sick. I have nightmares about it sometimes." I said. "But he caused me mental damage." I choked out, finally letting tears fall down my cheeks. "I can't kiss my fiancé without flinching. My fiancé can barely hug me without my having a panic attack. I can't sleep because I'm having these nightmares about _him_. I can't even say his name." I said, my tears running down my face. "He gave me so much mental damage that... I can barely function in my own life." I said finally, and the jury was staring wide eyed at me, as was _him._

"Asher, is there anything you'd like to say to Mr. Ducaine?" the judge asked, and I nodded. "Go ahead." He said, and I nodded.

"On one hand, I want you to suffer like I did," I said, "but on the other hand; I'd never wish that on anyone. I hope you get your shit together, wherever you go. I hate you, and I think that's pretty damn obvious." I said, and his eyes were wide as I stared at him. "I just want to know why." I said, and he opened his mouth. "Not now. I can't now. I think I'll break down if I know _anything_ about what happened that I can't remember. I appreciate you keeping me drugged. I wouldn't be able to survive if you hadn't." I said, and walked away from him, back to Mike.

When I got to Mike I sunk into my seat, and started crying. Mike hesitantly put his hand on my shoulder and I flinched. "I'm so sorry." Mike whispered, and I forced a smile.

The trail went on, and they found him guilty on all charges. It was a feat that I was glad for. He got 70 years without the possibility of parole. I was glad for that, because I never want that freak to be able to hurt anyone else ever again.

Mike led me to his car, and I got in. He started the car and turned on the radio, smiling at me easily. "So, you did really well," he said, and I bit my lip.

"You think?" I asked, and he smiled and nodded. "I was so afraid." I admitted. "I didn't know if I should have added the mental thing, but I think I'm glad I did..." I said softly.

"I am too." Mike agreed. "That's what made you really get your point across."

"I thought so too." I admitted, and bit my lip. "Where are you taking me?" I asked and he laughed softly.

"We're going to get some ice cream." He said, and I smiled lightly.

"Amazing," I drawled, "Maybe I'll be able hold it down." I teased.

"Maybe you will, babe." He said, and I blushed lightly as he kissed my nose softly.

"I love you, Mike." I said softly, and he smiled.

"I love you, too, Ash." He said, and I smiled with a blush lightly darkening my cheeks.

I am so glad that Mike is mine, and I'm so glad this trial is over. Now I can finally try to get things moving along in my life. Finally.

# ωαкє υρ

Mike put his hands gently on my sides, his lips trailing down my neck ever so gently. His soft but warm skin pressing against me had me practically lit on fire from the inside out.

I couldn't believe I could let him touch me this way again. It's been two years since the trial. I'm graduated, and so is Mike. We live in a little apartment by the college in town. Mike decided that even though it'd be easier to go back to his old apartment, he'd like to get me farther away from the past.

The only person who can touch me is Mike. I can give my mom little hugs, but they can't really last too terribly long because I get anxious when anyone touches me.

Mike and I are engaged to be married still. I wanted to put off the wedding until we were both in our twenties. I want to know for sure Mike's all mine. Sure, he's been mine since I was sixteen and I am now eighteen, almost nineteen.

Things were rocky after the trial; I'm not going to lie. I was pretty sure Mike was going to leave me, and that made me really sad. I didn't want to think of that possibility. In reality, he just didn't know how to handle my emotions running all over the place. One minute, I'd be laughing and happy, the next minute I'd be crying like someone told me my mom was dead.

The mood-swings leveled themselves out eventually, but I wasn't really too worried about them. Mike was, though and I couldn't help but wonder why. I asked, and he just said he didn't like to see me cry.

Mike ran his fingers over my neck, ever so softly, making me whimper quietly. His soft fingers went down to my shoulder and he pressed his lips to my neck again. My head turned to rest on his hand as he kissed up my neck, before he pulled the lobe of my ear into his mouth and bit it just hard enough to be felt. "I love you." He whispered into my ear, his breath caressing the wet lobe of my ear.

"I love you too," I whispered. He slowly slid his hand down my arm, and rested it back on my hip again. His fingers teased the skin of my stomach. It took me a long time to get to where he could touch me like this. In the end, I was glad I did.

Sex might be good without touching, but I prefer the loving touches he gives me to no touching any day. He and I do not do kinky stuff, I can't handle being restrained, and he just doesn't get into it much. I was glad, because I wouldn't want to bore him to death.

The feelings of safety and serenity poured through my veins, making me feel like I was on top of the world.

"I'm glad we left," I heard him whisper into the cool air of our apartment. I turned around, and wrapped my arms around his neck easily.

"Me too," I admitted. Mike pressed his lips to mine easily, and I instantly moved my lips against his. I had missed this so much when I couldn't touch him, and I made a point to kiss him as much as possible now that I had the ability to. I made a point to feel his skin against mine as much as possible, just because I can now.

Silence enveloped the room around us as we began kissing. Passionate kisses with soft touches and loving caresses. Lust began to color everything as we moved together, our lips in a battle for dominance that neither of us was pushing for.

I felt the soft bed touch my back, and I looked up into Mike's eyes as he lay on top of me. Our bliss wasn't momentary anymore, it was forever.

I never thought that I'd fall in love, or even know what love was, truly. I never thought that I'd be able to trust anyone, or even begin to know what it meant to need someone. I never thought that Mrs. Samantha could actually help me in any way, and yet... she changed me. But it wasn't simply her doing alone that caused me to change.

It was her, and meeting Mike. It was me leaving Jasper, and getting over my father. It was me getting kidnapped, so I knew just how much I really wanted to live. It was meeting Scottie, and finding a true friendship that wasn't at all romantic. It was knowing that I was worth it to all of these people I didn't know truly cared.

Truthfully, I didn't think that I'd be alive, still.

But here I am, being touched, loved, and cared for by my loving fiancé, who would do anything for me and me for him. Here I am, able to do things I never could before. Here I am, in love with the best man in the world, completely okay with being gay, being slightly more feminine than the average guy but not in one of those flower boy ways.

Here I am, being happy to be alive, and that's all that I could ever ask for.

Mike unbuttoned my pants and smiled up at me, effectively drawing my attention away from my thoughts. I was glad, because there was nothing more amazing than getting lost into the world of our pleasure.

I woke up the next morning, my body aching. Mike wasn't in bed, but I heard him making noise in the kitchen. I heard the radio blaring 'Hotel California' by the eagles, the same song he listened to every time we had sex. I would ask him about that someday, but at the moment I didn't really care.

The smell of bacon wafted into the room, and the sunlight touched the bed in certain places, where the light had snuck through the blinds. The warmth of the sun shining on me, kept me from wanting to move out of bed, and the softness of the mattress made me question why I'd ever want to move anyway.

I listened to Mike sing along to the stupid song he seemed to love. I couldn't help but find comfort in the familiar. The familiar scent of bacon and eggs every morning, meeting the smell of the sheets on our bed, yet when I rolled over onto Mike's pillow I smelt Ivory soap and prell shampoo.

The familiar will always be a safe place for me, and I didn't like it when anything changed. It made me feel like my safety wasn't promised and it made me feel out of control—like I didn't matter.

Mike walked into our room, carrying a tray with two plates of food on it. He smiled when he saw me barely awake, staring at him. His batman boxers made me giggle a little and I rolled over on my side to stare at him more openly.

"Morning, baby." He said, and I smiled lightly.

"Morning," I said, and looked up at him as he set the tray down on the bed. "Oh wow, you're bringing me breakfast in bed." I said teasingly.

"Of course," he said sweetly. "Nothing but luxury for a prince." He teased, and I giggled and rolled my eyes.

"I'm hardly a prince," I answered to that and he rolled his eyes at me.

"You are to me." He said easily. "And besides, I figured you'd be in pain today. We kind of went harder last night than we have in a while, and you always get sore when things get hard like that." He said and I blushed brightly.

"Things weren't hard," I said shyly, "it just lasted for hours, it seemed."

"Yeah, well you make me need you for hours." He teased, and crawled in bed beside me. "With that sexy little mouth of yours," he teased, running his finger over my lips making me blush brightly. "The noises that escape you," he said, trailing his finger down my neck, making Goosebumps crawl onto my skin slowly, "they just leave me insatiable." He said, kissing my neck softly. I whimpered quietly and he pulled back and sat the tray in between us.

"You are an asshole." I seethed, sitting up and putting a pillow in my lap to hide the hardness in my briefs. He laughed and handed me a plate.

"You love me, though." He said, and I sighed dramatically, and he leaned over the tray and kissed my lips sweetly, making me blush and bite my lip hard.

"Sometimes I question why," I said teasingly, "and then you kiss me like that and I can't remember why I start to question why."

"It's because I'm fucking amazing," he teased and I giggled.

"You really are." I admitted, and he smiled softly, pressing a kiss to my cheeks softly.

I don't really know how I got so lucky, but I am not about to start questioning fate. All I know is that without him, I wouldn't be who I am today. All I know is that I need him to live now. I need Mike, and Mike needs me.

Together, we fixed our damaged hearts. Together, we get to be forever, and happy. Together, we became something better than we ever thought possibly.

Simply by

Loving,

And cherishing,

Each other.

The End.
