

DISCARDED

No Longer Required

By

Tony (Kid) Yarwood

Author of the Butchers Bill
Discarded No Longer Required

By Tony Yarwood

Smashwords Edition

Copyright 2017 Tony Yarwood

License Notes: Thank you for downloading this ebook. This book remains the copyrighted property of the author Tony Yarwood and may not be redistributed to others for commercial or non-commercial purposes. If you enjoyed this book, please encourage your friends to download their own copy from their favourite authorized retailer. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.
Table of contents

Acknowledgement

Prologue

Chapter 1 Forgotten

Chapter 2 Pen pushers

Chapter 3 Operation banner

Chapter 4 Non-visible disabilities

Chapter 5 Breakdown the barrier

Chapter 6 Listen to your head & body

Chapter 7 A shock to the system

Chapter 8 Wake – up & smell the coffee

Chapter 9 When service ends

Chapter 10 A change of direction

Chapter 11 The military covenant

Chapter 12 Conclusion

Chapter 13 Other titles by tony (kid) yarwood

Chapter 14 About the author

Acknowledgement

To my dear mum and dad (RIP). My son Anthony; my daughters Natalie and Danielle. Not forgetting my sisters Susan and Michelle. My heroic brothers 'Face' and Lionel for being my brothers in arms and who served their country with pride. Sue my lovely and loyal wife, I love you X. To my grandchildren, Jessica, Tommy, Jack and Millie and not forgetting my little companion Lulu. To every veteran male or female who has served their country regular or reservist of all three services and all those who are suffering in silence today. My best mate (Steve) who sadly took his own life in December 2014 ex 1, 2 & 3 Para. He was let down by the MoD in his hours of need. Make sure you earmark me a decent bed space in Valhalla and we'll enjoy a Guinness or two once more.

Connotation

Soldier means all service personnel from all three services including females and reserves. For ease 'he' also covers all service personnel and does not in any way intend to cause harm or upset.
Prologue

The Forces are being cut to the bone by MoD pen pushing fat cats since they have to fill a financial black hole created through years of mismanagement. They may reduce the Armed Forces from an already precariously low manning figure of one hundred and twenty thousand to below eighty thousand and won't stop there. They don't care how they do it or who it hurts or affects. So callous is the MoD that they informed soldiers of their redundancy whilst they were serving on treacherous operations like Northern Ireland, Iraq and Afghanistan putting their lives on the line every day for their country. Some service personnel were informed by a text message or email! Yes you read it correct text or email. Just to rub salt into the wounds of service personnel that were made redundant the MoD then advertised for more recruits' either full time or reserves, including from abroad. In many cases the MoD made huge mistakes during the redundancies leaving some services with a shortfall of manning so they decided to offer those they released more money to join back up! Those still serving in some services were offered golden payments to remain in! It simply did not make sense. They want to strengthen the reserves by 2020 to fill in for those unfortunate service personnel who they made redundant which they won't find easy at all. Why you may ask? How are employers going to be able to let employees go on operations for up to six months at a time? Many employers will certainly not allow this which will undoubtedly have a severe impact on this silly idea. Also if the reserve forces are monitoring how the regulars are being treated presently, they will surely see sense and keep well clear.

A certain nail in the coffin for any future recruitment drive has to be the disgraceful historical criminal allegations made against veterans who proudly fought for their country often putting their lives on the line for the Government. Notably the Northern Ireland Police Service who are bringing charges against veterans who fought in Northern Ireland decades ago. More shocking are the corrupt Iraq historic allegations team (IHAT) set up by the MoD again at the taxpayers' expense who battle to prosecute serving and ex-serving service personnel illegally. These are money grabbing solicitors who would not understand the word integrity if it was to jump up and slap them in the face. This brings me nicely on to why statistic's don't lie and the Armed Forces continuous attitude survey for 2016 highlights a decline in morale, feeling valued, being fairly treated, service accommodation, personal careers, pension & allowances, pride and job satisfaction. Say no more.

Unfortunately I have firsthand experience with cost cutting pen pushers in the MoD who drive dedicated servicemen out of the army because they unceremoniously dispatched my older brother and my best mate without a care in the world and tried to do the same with me. Sadly my best mate took his own life in December 2014 having boxed with the system for various kinds of help only to be knocked down in his hours of need. He was switched on and an extremely fit bloke whose heart was ripped out by a Government cull pressed by fat cat yes men who only see numbers and not individuals who have families and children to support. What the public don't see is that these heartless moves save the MoD from paying deserved servicemen and women either a half pension for twelve years' service or a full pension of twenty-two years or more! Callous but true.

I have tried to delicately balanced life in the army by expressing my own experiences coupled with nearly fifty years military experience that my best mate, brother and I gave to the MoD with a close look at the post army after care of our brave servicemen and women. You will be shocked at the tricks some agencies get up to so that they don't have to pay warranted service or war pensions out to well-deserved veterans. Does the MoD stealfully usher our brave injured servicemen and women out of their present units to outside posts or even mentor them out of their units if they are still serving? On a lighter note there are agencies and individuals that do a fantastic job helping veterans in need who I will justifiably highlight.

The suicide and incarceration rate of veterans are slowly increasing due to the lack of compassion, management and common sense by some agencies. This coupled with the ever increasing invisible illness of soldier stress or PTSD accounts for tens of thousands of veterans, serving servicemen and women.

Do some politicians and MoD fat cats discuss aftercare and the military covenant in the best restaurants over posh dinners with CEOs? Do they slope shoulders and push veteran's aftercare towards charities and large companies whilst patting themselves on the back? It's another case of it looks good on paper, but in reality this Teflon attitude is not enough?
CHAPTER 1

FORGOTTEN!

When service personnel enlist into HM Forces today they understand that they may well be deployed to a war zone or conflict anywhere in the world including home soil before they signed on the dotted line. It is only right that HM Government should look after such servicemen and women after service. This should be embedded in the military covenant as a matter of law. When I left the army after over 24 years' service I received a printed certificate from the Chief of General Staff that said:

'On the occasion of your retirement from the army, I wish to thank you most sincerely for the loyal service you have given. I recognize that, in carrying out your duties as a soldier, you will have had to make sacrifices, putting the interests of your country and the army before your own. This is very much appreciated and I wish, formally, to express my gratitude for the service you have given and for the excellent contribution you have made. I wish you all the very best for the future and every happiness in the years to come. Good luck and thank you.'

This was ten lines on a certificate for over 24 years loyal service and quite frankly I have written hundreds of reports for soldiers under me, and the first paragraph covered more than ten lines! This highlights that once a service person leaves the institution of the HM Forces that often they are on their own.

In 2016 a study claimed that many of our veterans from the Iraq and Afghanistan wars are forgotten. It states that half are out of work and seventy per cent are suffering with physical and mental health problems. This is shameful and a slap in the face by the MoD and Government towards veterans and not only recent veterans but those from past conflicts too. Some veterans must feel invisible to the state as they suffer silently without the required support and care. Yes pride may have a big part to play with those who don't proactively ask for help, but then again there should be a system available to the MoD of all veterans that served who they can check on from time to time! Let's be brutally honest the MoD soon knows where a veteran is when they want to decline or reduce a disability pension don't they? They certainly find a veteran when it's time to look at their service pension, just in case they have passed. They will soon find someone if they were overpaid – wouldn't they? Callous but true. So why is it so hard to find those who are vulnerable and need support? The military bond or institution is unbreakable during service and is as strong as ever between veterans after service if they wish to keep in contact. However once the bond is broken the protection and comfort of the military institution disappears leaving some veterans alone as far as the Government and MoD are concerned. Those in power try to justify how well veterans are being looked after when the fact is they are actually short changing those who are still serving. The reality is many veterans are homeless or suffering in silence. Thousands of veterans are neglected when they need help and succumb to alcohol or drugs to survive the torment they have endured often ending up in prison. It is estimated that one in ten prisoners are veterans in HM prisons at the moment and many won't highlight the fact that they may have issues relating to soldier stress or PTSD. That said I must say there are excellent organisations that do look after veterans. Unit Associations are good at looking after those veterans who served with them utilizing their families and Regimental Welfare Officers. Service personnel and veterans may phone or write to the Royal British Legion or SSAFA Forces Help for assistance and they in turn will write to the soldiers unit or association if required. Other veteran's associations do their best to pass on information and help veterans in need. The relevant association may then help financially beit to obtain basics like household goods or clothing. This assistance may extend to extensive financial help for items such as electrically powered wheelchairs, stair lifts, and respite holidays, budgets permitting. Although the Royal British Legion and SSAFA Forces Help are the larger and well known charities that spring to mind for most ex service personnel there are others that have emerged quickly. Help for Heroes being one and Combat Stress is another that helps those soldiers suffering from all injuries due to military service including Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Veterans-UK is part of the MoD and a much appreciated organization looking after around six hundred thousand individuals serving and former service personnel and their dependents. They provide essential support services to the Armed Forces and veterans, either by a gratuity or monthly payments. Their welfare officers, some who work unpaid as volunteers are very helpful. The only problem I find with Veterans-UK formally the Service Personnel and Veterans Agency (SPVA) is that although they do help veterans with gratuities their protocol as regards to veterans with physical and mental injuries requires fine tuning with care, understanding and compassion first and foremost. If organizations don't treat veterans with respect when they first contact them, then it's like a red rag to a bull. It doesn't hurt to be polite and listen does it? They won't pay for private treatment so how can veterans get the best support and treatment? I have had dealings with an organization contracted by the MoD called ATOS Healthcare to carry out disability assessments on behalf of the Department for Work and Pensions (DWP). All's I can say is Google this organization and listen to the horror stories that are said about them. It will shock veterans to the core! The media stated some time back that hopefully this dreadful organization paid for by the MoD will cease to exist due to its failings. This has now been done; the sad thing is; will the system be the same, only under a different name? Time will tell. The Parachute Regiment Associations (PRA) does look after their veterans and I can certainly vouch for that.

Many welfare charities and organizations don't get all their funds from the Government. The bulk of their funds are obtained from the special bond the general public have for their veterans through donations and legacies. The Help for Heroes (H4H) appeal have raised millions of pounds in a very short period for our injured servicemen and women towards rehabilitation and lots more. I was slightly skeptical about them initially thinking that they would have an adverse effect on the smaller organizations that helps veterans. It was only since I became a Band of Brother (BOB) for short with them that I realized just how important H4H are towards serving service personnel and veterans alike – they are a breath of thresh air and long may it continue. There are many more that I have not mentioned, but are well appreciated by those they help. There are many online help groups one being psychologytools.org for those suffering in silence. What we must never forget are those ex service personnel who fought courageously in campaigns such as WW2, Borneo, Palestine, Greece, Egypt, Korea, Malaya, Kenya, Sierra Leone, Suez, Oman & Dhofar, Yangtze River, Aden, Cyprus and other conflicts kept secret. Hearing stories about young injured veterans languishing in old people's homes with the elderly and getting depressed is not the way forward. A young Gurkha of 21 was in a care home where the average age was 82 and whose residents were playing bingo! This is upsetting for the individual and for the families and should not be happening today. When we have scenarios like this as regards to our veterans it's no surprise that they feel that they are forgotten.
CHAPTER 2

PEN PUSHERS

The Government is stripping our Armed Forces down to the bone and wants to rely on our brave reservists instead of regulars. I am not saying that they cannot do a sufficient job; however the end result will be as it is today; no money to improve and more cuts. If you compare our military capability of today to that of the Falklands War you will be shocked at the changes that have affected HM Forces as a whole. British Forces are getting smaller and the US who we bow down too on so many occasions are concerned that as their strongest ally our defence cuts are worrying. Fat cat MoD pen pushers don't care how they do it or who it hurts or affects and it's not just vital equipment and assets that are being slashed. Proud regiments and corps are being banished with the stroke of the pen! Personnel who remain serving on the long service list - these are soldiers who have completed twenty-two years or more and then decide to stay in the army on a long service contract showing loyalty and dedication beyond what is expected are also targeted. These dedicated soldiers get a preference to where they want to serve after their contract runs out with the unit they are serving with. The fat cats in the MoD who simply look at figures and not bodies on the ground or personalities within the services will callously email the service personnel telling them that they cannot have their choice of location or unit. They then post the service person hundreds of miles away from family and friends in the hope that the service person tells them to stuff the job. I.e. if a service person who lives in Colchester wanted to spend his last two years near Colchester the MoD would post him to Glasgow! This is callous and strategically planned by the MoD stealfully culling the long service list and personnel, including officers.

The nation has and always will support their service personnel but those in power should do more. It makes my stomach churn when small minorities of MPs are more concerned about what percentage pay rise they are going to get. Some abuse the expense system in place spending thousands each year on inappropriate or unnecessary items. This is disgraceful when we have veterans walking the streets with no homes to go to or inadequate medical equipment and care. Some MPs employ their wives or relatives to be their personal assistants or other key office jobs ensuring that they are paid over the odds for working with them and certainly not for the minimum wage. Talk about keeping it in the family! Others abuse their housing or accommodation policies swindling the tax payers by renting their homes out whilst getting freebie homes with their jobs; it's a disgrace. Some local council fat cats also get in on the act as regards to expenses going above and beyond what is necessary. `Their paid over the top outrageous salaries that we the public pay for - it's bordering criminal. The MoD and Government ensure that they receive their standard huge pay increases, including expenses whilst they put a freeze on veterans' pensions! The Government hit the public sector workers with the 1% pay cap which has a knock on effect on serving service personnel. Service personnel should be a separate issue on pay issues as they don't decide when they want to work or benefits from overtime do they? Is that a compassionate and understanding way of looking out for those heroes who keep our country and MPs safe? I think not.

The National Memorial in Stafford is a lovely place to go and honour our heroes past and present. What does surprise me is that it does not recognize the many military suicides of all the British forces since World War Two. Sources say that unless a coroner states on his report that the suicide was due to military service there is nothing they can do to recognize suicides of our war heroes! We veterans and many loved ones and family and friends of servicemen and women know of people, friends, relatives, wives, husbands, sons and daughters who have committed suicide through military service or whilst serving, but unless the coroner states it happened that way, nothing will materialize. Let's face it the fat cats in power will ensure this remains as it is! The National Memorial should have a dedicated plot for suicides of all veterans so that family and friends can pay their respects in private and peace. May the reason be that the MoD tells their coroners to state that a suicide was not related to conflict or service? Let's face it the Government would be hit with massive financial claims if coroners stated that a veteran committed suicide due to service! It is said that more ex service personnel from the UK Forces have committed suicide since the wars in the Falklands, Iraq and Afghanistan put together than those who lost their lives fighting for their country. This only highlights that mental health problems are going to be rampant in the Armed Forces in the future making the continual mental health issues or struggles that many service personnel and veterans are suffering with today harder to cope with. In a nutshell the MoD may encounter a mass problem with PTSD in the future affecting thousands of brave young servicemen and women who have served their country so valiantly. Will the MoD be able to handle it? They haven't really progressed the way veterans want them to since the Great War, so we will have to wait and see.

The MoDs transparent pretense only fuels the anger from veterans who have been neglected once that military bond has been broken. They are quick to take part in photo shoots to try and boost their ratings but slow to recognize stress related illnesses within the military. Casualty rates of war were stealfully managed by the MoD with almost no details in the press. The casualties from Afghanistan alone are very high with catastrophic injuries to our brave service personnel. Although the MoD appears to look after injured servicemen and women whilst they are still serving I feel this is because there would be a public outcry if they didn't. How many injured service personnel are quietly ushered to jobs that are out of the public eye when they were promised that they could still work with their units? The Government won't take prisoners when it comes to loyalty; once service personnel are broken. Do they really care? The answer is whilst service personnel are still serving they may still provide care and assistance, but once they leave the service the NHS picks up the pieces when the NHS is clearly struggling themselves at present. Although these are very harsh words they won't be far from the truth. Let's not forget that the MoD sent service personnel who have been serving their country emails or texts informing them that their services are no longer required in the 'interest of the service'. That's their magical word for 'we don't want you any more'. The fact remains that these brave servicemen and women deserve better and those injured will require the best medical treatment and care available for the rest of their lives. My advice for those brave and dedicated servicemen and women who have been injured; stay in and ensure you are looked after because you deserve it. The Government has made thousands of service personnel redundant once more and I can tell you that they may be asking for volunteers but the majority are basically kicked out and have no say in the matter! Those service personnel who don't have a choice will be hand-picked to leave by carefully picked strategists, employed by the MoD to avoid paying out deserved pensions or other financial reasons. To throw a person out of the services who is married with children and planning to earn a pension for their future security is heartless. Some will have mortgages, cars and loans to think about and their lives will be turned upside down. But do those who make these decisions actually care in the MoD? Saving money and cutting costs is their priority and numbers, i.e. service personnel are simply that - numbers.

The Government has said that our veterans can receive priority treatment from NHS hospitals. This looks great on paper and it is covered in the military covenant; however when I have asked for this priority treatment the doctor or nurse in some cases didn't know anything about it! As a matter of fact they looked at me as if to say, 'who does he think he is?' It got to the point where I actually felt embarrassed to mention it any more. The MoD is supposed to work closely with the NHS to ensure a smooth transition into NHS care for veterans. In reality you are on your own once that unique link with the MoD has been broken. My voluntary work for SSAFA Forces Help as a caseworker helped those veterans and families in need. I did this because I have empathy towards them and feel a sense of great achievement once I completed a case. It has been said that some reservists receive far less support than full time service personnel. This is disgusting considering they volunteered to fight for their country and work alongside regulars doing a great job. Many reservists have been decorated for bravery for their actions in Iraq and Afghanistan. A Royal Marine reservist dived onto a grenade in Helmand Province Afghanistan to save his comrades and was awarded the George Cross. A brave young dog handler was killed on duty in Afghanistan, Helmand Province. Four soldiers including a female soldier (the first to be killed in Helmand Province) died during an ambush, say no more. How does the Government repay these brave people? Before they decided to strengthen the reserves they wanted to slash their training budget by millions. Then in the next breath they want to increase the reserves. Does the left hand in the MoD know what the right hand is doing?

Veterans would like the military covenant to actually mean something and not to be used as a political tool when the Government feels like it. The short extract below is from concerned personnel of the South Atlantic Medal Association (SAMA) of which I am a member highlighting how many servicemen and women were injured during the Falklands War and most are still suffering beit mentally or physically over thirty years after the War. Should we still have service personnel suffering today after serving their country so bravely? The answer is simple, not one of those serving at that time should be suffering. SAMA wanted the Government to act on this via a petition that read:

'With the growing numbers of wounded personnel repatriated to the UK and with continued growth in medically discharged personnel since the Falklands War to current conflicts and operations, our service men & women and veterans of previous operational service are owed the best medical care possible. The existing facilities are falling short and the NHS is not meeting the needs of veterans who still need treatment for their service related conditions. A dedicated Military & Veterans Hospital will greatly help resolve this National scandal since the complete closure of our military hospitals that has proved to be total folly'. The response highlighted just how the Government fails to take veterans issues seriously. They cynically gave the person who originated the petition one-month to obtain over five thousand signatures before they even looked at the matter! After quickly gathering five thousand signatures with ease the reply read: 'In terms of providing a dedicated hospital for veterans, it is worth noting that since 1948 it has been the policy of successive Governments that the NHS should be the main provider of health care for veterans. The range of general medical treatment required by veterans is in most cases 'no different from other civilians'! It would be wrong to expect them to travel large distances to receive treatment at a single hospital, especially when excellent care is already provided closer to their home and families. So while we fully appreciate why your concern for the welfare of our armed forces has led you to sign this petition, we hope you appreciate the reasons why we believe the current provision of hospital facilities for injured personnel is the right one'.

How can the Government compare what a veteran of various campaigns pre and post war, especially Iraq and Afghanistan and Northern Ireland to that of other civilians? That's an insult to all those who have served. As you can clearly see the veteran's aftercare issue appears to have progressed little since 1948 and possibly beyond.

How can anyone trust a Government who sent troops to Afghanistan for ten years after the disaster of Iraq and who's then Defence Secretary quoted that 'not a shot would be fired in Helmand!' Over four hundred and fifty brave British service personnel lost their lives with over two thousand wounded in action! The coalition forces lost more than three thousand, four hundred with the Americans sustaining the most fatalities and injuries! Whose opium production that destroys lives worldwide are still thriving and whose territory gained by our brave service personnel through fierce fighting is being slowly re-taken by the Taliban. Britain's ballooning foreign aid budget gets worse whereby the Government continuously slashes the defence budget but hands over millions to Pakistan whose security forces assist the Taliban. How can we trust a Government who stands by whilst a body called the Iraq Historic Allegations Team (IHAT) set up by the MoD again at the taxpayers' expense battle to prosecute serving and ex-serving service personnel which is unbelievable to say the least. These are money grabbing bent solicitors who would not understand the word integrity if it was to jump up and slap them in the face. The pressure on serving servicemen and women including veterans having British organizations that are trying to stitch them up must be immense. Commanders on the ground from Corporals to Generals may hesitate when the time comes to fight their way out of a battle through fear of prosecution and a possible custodial sentence. These are just some of the concerns that service personnel will have to worry about when they are putting their lives on the line for their country. This is seen as a betrayal and preposterous but can it get any worse? Yes it can. The Government is allowing alleged historical allegations from Operation Banner - Northern Irelands to go ahead even though British soldiers and innocent civilians were murdered in uniform or off duty by the IRA. These are allegations that go as far back as the early seventies. The government pen pushers were also paying suspects from Op Banner substantial compensation claims because of how many times they were allegedly stopped and searched or for alleged damage to land or property paid for by the Government's never ending slush fund.
CHAPTER 3

Operation Banner

We must never forget that Operation Banner was the longest continuous deployment in British military history (37 - years) and over three hundred thousand troops were deployed between 1969 and 2007. Over three thousand brave service personnel lost their lives including suicides and other causes with over thirty thousand including civilians wounded. These figures alone deserve respect from the Government who should fully support all those who put their life on the line serving on operations in Northern Ireland (NI) during the troubles. They decide instead to sit back whilst veterans, some retired go through a nightmare of alleged allegations made against them pushed by the Police Service of Northern Ireland for charges of either manslaughter or murder. These are allegations that go back as far as when the troubles began in the early seventies. I have a job remembering what happened last week so how these poor individuals are coping now is unthinkable. The lack of Government support in these dire situations is incomprehensible and will adversely have an effect on recruiting in every service. It's taking dedicated veterans with a passion for justice to fight yet another battle for our veterans who are being targeted by some. In this particular case veterans are looking after veterans when it should be those in power in this country fighting for veterans who fought for them.

The troubles in Northern Ireland unfortunately did not remain on Irish soil with attacks extending to mainland Britain and continental Europe. North and West Belfast claimed the most casualties. There were 'no go' zones in Roman Catholic areas of Belfast and Londonderry where it was not safe for the army or police to venture. The protestants also had their own 'no go' areas some separated by high walls that would not have looked out of place in Berlin.

I like many other soldiers before me was worried about serving in NI because at that time it was a dangerous and unforgiving place to operate. 2 Para began a two-year residential tour of Ballykinler stationed in Abercorn Barracks situated on the south eastern side of Northern Ireland in County Down. A beach was literally at the rear of the barracks with a backdrop of the magnificent Mourne Mountains. Downpatrick, Ballynahinch and Newcastle were reasonably close with the nearest city twenty-five miles away in Lisburn. This rural, coastal and picturesque scenery appeared tranquil yet hidden around every corner or behind every tree line or bush lurked imminent danger. Terrorists waited stealthily to pounce when the time was right and at a moment's notice. The problem was we did not know who was good or who was bad. Who was a terrorist and who wasn't? Why? Terrorists were dressed as locals and mingled in with them on the streets. The battalion rotated all activities by ensuring one company was training or on duty whilst another was deployed around the province. Getting from A to B in this dangerous environment was nerve racking to say the least. If helicopters were not available which was normally the case then either green skinned vehicles or covert vehicles (which the locals knew belonged to the military) were used! It was a well-known fact that some of the locals were the eyes and ears for the terrorists informing them of the everyday movement of troops entering or leaving military bases. They would log registration numbers down and even attempt snapshots with cameras to gain information. It didn't take much to work out that a box vehicle with no visible markings displayed leaving a military base may have troops onboard. My heart was in my mouth when this occurred because we certainly knew that the locals were aware of this routine. The stress on some soldier's faces said it all whilst moving from one location to the other in this precarious way. Risk assessments or health and safety went out of the window in those days. It simply pushed some soldier's stressors to another level. We patrolled the countryside (cuds) for anything up to fourteen days in all types of weather conditions, living out of our bergen's. As a private soldier I did not know whether helicopters were available rather than transporting troops in civilian vans or by army green skinned vehicles and I did not ask. We did not question this and simply did as we were told.

On one occasion in bandit country our platoon lay up for the night in atrocious weather conditions so the platoon commander positioned a few sentries out to protect the platoon from any form of attack whilst the remainder set up ponchos (basic tent). This was a simple upper body waterproof garment that had a slit for the head to go through. It was an ancient bit of kit that should have been phased out years before. To use the poncho as a tent we had to tie the slit where the head went through to stop it leaking. We then used either bungees or string to tie the poncho corners to trees, fences, rocks or onto pegs that could be secured into the ground, basic, but effective. This duel garment remained in use before the MoD issued the military with cheap and nasty water proofs made from plastic that were about as much use as a chocolate fireguard. Our doss bags (sleeping bags) were very good but not waterproof and without waterproof covers at that time. We set up the ponchos and got our heads down for a few precious hours in the torrential rain and freezing cold. Getting up for stag (sentry duty) in the middle of the night was a nightmare. One of the ongoing sentries would make his way carefully back to the area we were located without light and awaken the next group for sentry duty. The lads going on stag next would be shaken and told that they are on stag so they would quietly get themselves ready in the dark without light and normally whilst it was pissing down with rain, blowing a gale and freezing cold. Getting out of a basher in these conditions was not pleasant after a deep sleep and most soldiers dreaded the words 'you're on stag.' A poncho doesn't always completely protect a soldier from the elements therefore if part of the doss bag is outside the poncho then it simply gets wet. Some lads bought their own waterproof clothing because the issued waterproofs were inadequate for purpose. I had completed my stag and went back to get some shut eye for an hour or two. The rain was getter worse so I took my waterproofs off and jumped into my doss bag to dry off and get warm with my weapon placed as comfortable as possible between my legs with its magazine still attached and safety catch on. My boots were wet but my socks were only slightly damp and although I was wearing both, they would soon dry off in my sleeping bag. When the platoon woke in the morning some lads had drifted outside their ponchos still sleeping in their sodden doss bags. The rain was so severe it completely flooded the resting area. It took a long time for the doss bags to dry out and we still had another five days patrolling. It was hard, but we were used to this routine and the weather.

After a few months of the tour my hidden anxieties began to settle as we had now been in Northern Ireland without any major incidents, but things were about to take an un-expected turn for the worst.

The egg banjo as we named it was everyone's favourite. It was a basic white bread roll with a greasy egg planted in the middle with plenty of red or brown sauce, delicious nevertheless. I was enjoying eating mine with some of the lads from my platoon and the company about to go out on operations. They were due a tour in bandit country and were preparing to leave camp that afternoon on four-ton trucks known as green skinned vehicles. As they left camp the hair on the back of my neck stood to attention watching the trucks driving out of the front gates as if on exercise back in England, only this was no exercise. Some hours later I was relaxing in the accommodation block when there was a news flash on the TV. Everyone in the room immediately stopped what they were doing as the newsreader reported that a military convoy had been blown up and a number of soldiers had been injured, some fatally, but the initial report was sketchy to begin with. We thought that the news reader was referring to the Royal Marines who were also operating in Northern Ireland and although there is a strong rivalry between the Marines and Paras any military casualty is appalling. We continued to listen in a state of shock and were none the wiser to who had been blown up or injured. Then we were called to the cookhouse by our hierarchy for a briefing and given the shocking news that the soldiers involved in the ambush were from our A and Support Company 2 Para. Names were read out from a list of those who were injured, missing or presumed dead. In the immediate confusion some of the information given was incorrect therefore unnecessary heartache was unintentionally placed on some individuals. Grown men were openly crying at the news and needless to say wanted to go out of camp and wreak havoc; this is what operational stress and war can do to individuals. Needless to say the battalion was confined to camp to calm down. The terrorists planned the operation with pinpoint accuracy using radio-controlled devices from across the border knowing they were safe. They also guessed that the military would send out a quick reaction force to assist their fallen comrades so they callously planted a secondary device that resulted in many more casualties. The explosions were so severe that some bodies were totally vaporised and those who were injured had life changing wounds.

The injured were taken to hospital and had to be protected so the battalion placed a twenty-four hour armed guard on the wards to protect them from any further attack in case the terrorists decided to try and finish them off - shocking, but true. For those who survived this inhuman attack and those who were involved in the clearing up process life would never be the same again. They will have seen incomprehensible sights beyond any descriptive power and these horrors they witnessed will be etched in their memories for ever. This attack was one of the worst casualty rates sustained by one unit serving in Northern Ireland throughout the thirty-seven year conflict and before the end of that particular tour the battalion had lost a further five soldiers totaling twenty-one killed from one unit.
Roll of Honour for the Warrenpoint Heroes

ANDREWS – Corporal Nicholas J. – 27th August 1979 – Aged 24 (2 Para)

BARNES – Private Gary I. – 27th August 1979 – Aged 18 (2 Para)

BEARD – Warrant Officer Walter – 27th August 1979 – Aged 31 (2 Para)

BLAIR – Lieutenant Colonel David – 27th August 1979 – Aged 40 – (Queen's own Highlanders)

BLAIR – Private Donald F. – 27th August 1979 – Aged 23 (2 Para)

DUNN – Private Raymond – 27th August 1979 – Aged 20 (2 Para)

ENGLAND – Private Robert N. – 27th August 1979 – Aged 23 (2 Para)

FURSMAN – Major Peter – 27th August 1979 – Aged 35 (Para)

GILES – Corporal John C. – 27th August 1979 – Aged 22 (2 Para)

IRELAND – Lance Corporal Chris G. – 27th August 1979 – Aged 25 (2 Para)

JONES – Corporal Leonard – 27th August 1979 – Aged 26 (2 Para)

JONES – Private Jeffrey A. – 27th August 1979 – Aged 18 (2 Para)

JONES – Private Robert D.V. – 27th August 1979 – Aged 18 (Para)

MacLEOD – Lance Corporal Victor – 27th August 1979 – Aged 24 – (Queen's own Highlanders)

ROGERS – Sergeant Ian A. – 27th August 1979 – Aged 31 (2 Para)

VANCE – Private Thomas R. – 27th August 1979 – Aged 23 (2 Para)

WOOD – Private Anthony G. – 27th August 1979 – Aged 19 (2 Para)

WOODS – Private Michael – 27th August 1979 – Aged 18 (2 Para)

LEST WE FORGET OUR FALLEN HEROES

As the tour progressed we did have the opportunity to even the score during one of our own ambushes, but unfortunately things did not go according to plan. My platoon was on patrol in South Armagh and decided to do an ambush on a well-known railway bridge that the terrorists regularly tried to blow up. The officer in charge was a decent enough bloke but was a bit green to say the least and did not have the experience required to lead from the front. It didn't help that the platoon sergeant was on leave at the time. This gave the senior corporal the opportunity to shine as acting platoon sergeant. After resting up for a while we approached the bridge in total darkness that caught the locals by surprise whereby they could not report our movements to the terrorists because they could not see or hear us. However instead of setting up a conventional ambush that is lethal when planned in the right way; the officer decided to take a major short cut with shocking consequences. He was the officer in charge and what unfolded next is down to his ill judgement and discipline and no one else. His first major mistake was not placing any cut off groups. The cut off group did exactly what it said on the tin. They would cut off any armed and dangerous terrorists (literally) if they managed to escape through the killing area or zone. His second mistake was telling the majority of the platoon to get their heads down. He then placed one lad with a General Purpose Machine Gun (GPMG) on the ambush position with himself for company. I can only assume that the senior corporal was out ranked and was told to wind his neck in and the inexperienced officer may have pulled rank in the absence of the very experienced platoon sergeant. In the early hours and with only the two on the ambush the lad on the GPMG noticed something through his night sight under the bridge that was the killing area. His GPMG was fully loaded with a belt of ammunition containing two hundred rounds including armour-piercing rounds. Quietly releasing his safety catch and delicately running his finger along the trigger guard in readiness to obliterate those under the bridge he gently got the platoon commanders attention. He whispered that he could see movement under the bridge and that he could see weapons. He could not open fire because he had rules to obey (the yellow card). He was so certain of what he saw that he asked the platoon commander if he could open fire, but was swiftly told to place his safety catch on. The lad was infuriated but could do nothing more than he was told, as he could not raise his voice in an ambush position. Quite un-expectantly and without warning the platoon commander decided to jump over a small hedgerow (like he was bullet proof) and shouted: 'stop army or I will fire.' Those were the rules. He obviously assumed that the terrorists would stop what they were doing and give themselves up without a fight because our rules stated so. He was wrong and could have got someone including himself killed. All hell broke loose whereby the terrorists under the bridge cleverly dropped their weapons instantly (to avoid being shot) and scarpered. After all our rules stated that we could not fire unless our lives were at risk or we were being fired upon. Not one shot was fired by the terrorists or by our platoon – our hands were now tied. Some of the terrorists jumped into their vehicles, others simply ran off in different directions away from where the platoon commander shouted. At this time the remainder of the platoon including myself woke up to complete chaos. I observed one vehicle driving quickly towards what would have been the cut off positions; but there was no one manning them! That vehicle and all its occupants would have been mince meat if there was. Eventually light was dispatched into the dark night sky, but all in vain as the terrorists were well and truly gone. The platoon simply watched as the terrorists in their vehicles drove off with their rear tail lights visible until they faded out of sight. All the necessary agencies were called out which meant that we now had to cordon off the area until they had completed what they had to do. It came to light later that the people at the bridge were an active terrorist unit planting devices to harm service personnel or the RUC. Rather than listen to his experienced gunner the inexperienced platoon commander thought he was invincible and ignored his claims. That said he was acting correctly in that he was restricted to opening fire because of the rules, and he had to give a warning because that was in the rules. The aftermath was that the terrorists had managed to barricade the road with large boulders either side of the bridge to stop anyone approaching and plant two explosive devices. They planted one device on top of the bridge along the rail track to destroy the track or train and the other in a culvert that ran under the road below the bridge. They were hoping to blow the bridge then hit the police or military with the secondary device under the culvert. The bomb disposal squad dealt with the devices and detonated the bomb under the culvert. We were all warned that it was going to happen so prepared ourselves for the explosion. When the device was detonated the thunderous bang ripped the culvert to pieces and the majority of the road sending fragments of rock and dirt hurtling into the air. Unfortunately some cattle that chose to be nosy at the wrong time were vaporised too. The nearby cottages also suffered as the debris made its way back down to earth smashing through their roofs to ruin their day. We had to have our wits about us as the dirt and rocks began falling everywhere. Although we were glad no one was hurt we were devastated knowing that we had wasted a perfect opportunity to ambush an active service unit. If only we had set the ambush up as we had on so many occasions before. If only the platoon sergeant was there. If only.

This is a rare photo of the bridge in question curtesy of Rich Colquhoun

The rules of engagement in Northern Ireland i.e. 'don't shoot unless your life is in danger or you're being shot at,' were ridiculous. In a nutshell it meant wait to be shot at before returning fire and by then it may be too late, because someone may be dead. Terrorists had to be challenged before we opened fire, i.e. shouting: 'stop army or I will fire,' which simply forewarned the terrorists who would either run or fight back and certainly gave them the upper hand. The yellow card was a safety mechanism for those who were involved in prosecuting UK service personnel, just for doing their jobs. They were certainly not designed to protect the military. It did the opposite and instilled fear into young servicemen putting their lives on the line in fear of being prosecuted for doing their job in a hostile environment. Have these rules of engagement changed much today when service personnel are fighting for their country? We lost eighteen brave men at Warrenpoint including two soldiers from the Queens Own Highlanders. We also lost five more brave heroes before that particular tour was over totaling twenty one from 2 Para. They may be gone, but they will never be forgotten.

I served another long tour of the province having transferred over to 3 Para in Belfast only this time my family accompanied me. My wife was very supportive and was a rock throughout my long career. As for the kids they didn't comprehend what was going on in Northern Ireland and I decided that it should remain that way at that time because it would only frighten them unnecessarily. The spouses who accompanied and supported their husbands throughout their careers deserve the utmost praise and will have certainly shared the anxiety felt by their loved ones. If there were medals awarded for support then every spouse or girlfriend/boyfriend of every service person would have a gold one for their total commitment.

My wife and I traveled by car to Scotland boarding the ferry across to Larne in Northern Ireland. When we disembarked in the dark of night we drove off the ferry and headed for the first roundabout to get directions. The kids were fast asleep exhausted from the long journey. Once at the first roundabout I looked for a sign that would direct me towards Belfast but the signposts were missing. As a matter of fact all the road signs were missing in the vicinity; removed to disorientate unwanted visitors like me. When those supporting the IRA observed a car with English number plates continuously circling a round -a- bout like a merry-go-round, it doesn't take long to guess that it's a lost squaddie. Within minutes an active service unit could pounce. My wife was worried and so was I, but I kept my anxiety to myself. It wasn't long before we were entering areas that had murals painted on the side of houses and although it was great artistry it was clearly supporting the terrorists so I instantly knew we were in the wrong place. In those days I had no mobile phone so quickly about turned and headed in the opposite direction in the pitch darkness and without a clue where I was going. Every signpost or street name was missing so I had no option other than to ask someone for directions. It's easier said than done as I searched the streets looking for someone who didn't look dodgy. A bloke was walking down the road with his dog and he appeared ordinary if that makes sense, he didn't look suspect. My way of thinking was that he doesn't know who I am and I was extra cautious of him. He said that I was lucky it was him that I asked directions from and not somebody else stating that I was in the middle of a catholic estate and needed to get away from it immediately. He nervously gave me directions so I quickly headed off into the distance and reasonable safety. I had flashbacks of the recent horror on television as regards to the attack on the two young soldiers who were brutally murdered by an anti British crowd after being stranded in the wrong place at the wrong time in their vehicle. It was broadcast live and my wife and I were watching it unfold on TV at home months before we were due to be posted to Belfast. We arrived safely with guidance from my younger brother who was already in Ireland and slept at his house in camp for the night until we were issued with the keys to the married quarter that was going to be our home for the next two years.

I was out on the ground in the heart of bandit country most of the time during this particular tour doing a completely different job than the last time I was in Ireland with 2 Para in 79. Instead of walking the streets like a sitting duck I had a more covert role. My wife had the responsibility of sorting out schools for the kids. She also had to orientate herself to the layout of the camp and the difficult task of finding her way around the local shops and further afield in Belfast City Center. Simply walking to school was nerve-racking for me so I don't know how my wife felt. I felt unsettled not knowing who was clocking us or if the next vehicle passing was going to shoot my family and me. She was understandably very nervous but realised the danger of living in Northern Ireland at the time.

The wives were given a security brief explaining all the risks they may face to ensure that they were safe. During visits to Belfast my wife heard shootings and explosions that certainly unsettled her nerves whilst shopping. Whenever we visited Belfast, as a family the kids often slipped up and innocently mentioned things that would have been better kept quiet. One day whilst we were walking through Belfast shopping my son who was only six years old shouted loudly "Look dad a soldier like you," as some green skinned vehicles vigilantly drove on the street. On other occasions he looked under the car copying what I did when I checked to ensure that there were no explosive devices (IED) attached to the underneath of my vehicle. My wife and I were particularly shocked when visiting certain shops. Some staff treated us with disgust once they heard we had an English ascent that was very frightening for my wife and confusing for the kids. Others would try to get my wife to write her address on the back of a cheque to confirm we were in the military. This is where the security brief came in handy for families so that they were warned in advance. Not everyone was like this and it must be stressed that the majority of people were very friendly.

Although my married quarter was in a secure camp my back garden was directly opposite the local houses, about fifteen meters away. There was a fence separating my house from the locals. What concerned me was that every time I went into my back garden to cut the grass I had visions of someone sniping at me. I kept the curtains closed at all times so the locals could not observe my every move. It may sound silly however it would only take a switched on terrorist a minute to take one of the houses over after holding the occupants hostage. They could quite easily go to the bedroom and set up a sniping position and be out before their victim hit the ground.

Sadly we lost some brave young heroes on this tour to the terrorists but the most frightening moment for me came when I was off duty. My wife and I went Christmas shopping with our kids in an area that was said to be ok for families to visit (a safe zone). We walked into a shop and felt quite relaxed as we assumed that we were in a safe community. I ordered two bikes for my kids and the shop assistant asked for my address, which I did oblige knowing it should be fine; after all this particular town was safe. The bikes were not available for a couple of weeks so the shop assistant asked my wife and me to call back at a later date. Two weeks later when we returned to the shop the assistant asked us to wait while she got the order together in the rear of the shop. My wife stayed by the counter unsuspecting of any wrong doing whilst I had a look around the small shop. They appeared to be taking a long time to get the bikes together so I headed back towards the counter to join my wife. Suddenly two men appeared just to my front standing in the entrance to the shop. I am sure that I had seen their faces before from snap shots of suspects that I had seen which concerned me so I nervously about turned and headed towards the rear of the shop away from my wife. I remember saying quite calmly to myself that I was going to be shot in a fucking bike shop of all places. At this stage my wife was in her own little world and did not have a clue what was about to happen. I was not scared or flapping and only thought about the safety of my wife. I could be shot dead any moment but I was not sweating buckets of fear; why I don't know. I did feel trapped and had seconds to either die or do something so I pulled off the biggest bluff in my whole career, and it worked. From the rear of the shop I faced the two blokes and slowly unzipped the thick padded jacket I was wearing and pulled the bottom left corner of the jacket back with my left hand and brought my right hand slowly down and across my body into the inner body area, as if I was going for a pistol. The two blokes turned around and headed out of the shop and disappeared into the crowd outside rather quickly. I grabbed my wife and left the shop without speaking to the staff inside. I hadn't paid for the bikes so I didn't worry too much about that as we quickly headed back to my car. I explained what had happened to my confused wife who then began panicking with the shock of knowing what might have been. The relevant people in camp were briefed for future reference to avoid such an incident in the future.

My job meant that I would drive through Belfast regularly however this time I was not trapped in a green skinned vehicle or box van. I was in a civilian car dressed in civilian cloths and in possession of enough firepower to protect my opo and me if any armed terrorist tried to ambush us or take our vehicle. If my brother was taking me to a certain location he would be armed and I had various weapons on me including a short barreled machine gun on my lap covered by a coat and with my finger running along the trigger guard ready to fire if required. If any terrorist came near the vehicle and threatened me with a weapon they would have been wasted there and then without hesitation yellow card or not. The fact is if the IRA had recognized that we were military they would have done to us what they did to the two soldiers previously, and I for one was not going to let that happen. If I had fifty rounds then I would use fifty rounds to get to safety and if that meant shooting fifty people trying to kill me then so be it. What support would I have received if I had to make a dreadful decision like that?

This is only a snippet of what British servicemen and women had to handle on the streets of Northern Ireland or whilst patrolling bandit country. Once operation banner came to an end all the veterans who had carried out their duty for Queen and country had somehow managed store the horrors they had endured away. These are memories of awful incidents that are locked inside their heads waiting callously to erupt due to circumstance which ultimately triggers and releases a wave of hurt. Unfortunately some veterans thought that this particular battle was over, but they couldn't have been more wrong. Once again they have been neglected by the MoD and Government who financed tank-chasing law firms to prosecute veterans who have long since swopped their boots and camouflage for slippers and pajamas whilst the real murderers are still at large curtesy of our own Government! Normally servicemen and women would keep their Northern Ireland General Service Medal polished and in a place of pride within their homes, now the medal they were proudly awarded reminds them of betrayal by those who sent them to Northern Ireland in the first place. This betrayal could be the trigger that no veteran wants to release.

We must never forget those civilians caught up in the cross fire during the troubles as the IRA terrorized mainland UK. Two of many atrocities that stand out are the horrendous and devastating bombs in Central London's Hyde Park & Regents Park in July 1982 killing eleven service personnel and seven horses and injuring many more people. One of the perpetrators of central London's cowardly and hideous crimes was caught and sentenced to imprisonment. He was released early as part of the Good Friday Agreement a major political development in the Northern Ireland peace process agreed on 10 April 1998 in Belfast. This was an international agreement between the British and Irish Governments. He did not serve a full justifiable sentence due to the Good Friday Agreement and blunders by officials. To add insult to injury one of the perpetrators who was involved in the slaughter was given £50,000 Legal Aid to defend himself yet the families of the soldiers killed in these atrocities have been snubbed whilst trying to bring a civil case against those involved. Once again the Government who won't meet with the victims' families has failed service personnel, families and relatives who served during Op Banner.

Photo of my brother standing and holding the M16

as patrol commander in Northern Ireland
CHAPTER 4

Non-Visible Disabilities (PTSD)

Non-visible disabilities may not be immediately apparent such as visual, hearing, speech impairments or cognitive difficulties. The stigma attached to anyone having a mental health non-visible injury brings the fear of discrimination which ultimately leads to individuals concealing their disability. There is no legal obligation for employees to tell their employers about a disability unless of course they require reasonable adjustments in the workplace or if their disability poses a health and safety risk either to themselves or others. Disability discrimination legislation says that employers must make reasonable adjustments to remove barriers that place a disabled person at a substantial disadvantage in the workplace because of their disability. Whether you're in the Army or not there are mechanisms out there to help you if you have a invisible injury such as PTSD it's a case of doing something about it and not letting it fester which may ultimately lead to more severe problems later.

One of these problems is the controversial subject of suicides of military personnel and veterans. In the military suicides can be due to many unfortunate circumstances however we must never underestimate the growing problem of combat related PTSD or other stress related issues. Chain-of-command failings also have a huge impact on stress and suicides. Why? The chain of command is normally the first port of call for any service person if they have a problem so if the chain fails or brakes who do they turn to for help? The dreadful alleged suicides at Deepcut in Surrey from 1995 to 2002 where young recruits were found shot under alleged unusual circumstances was terrible. The fat cats in the MoD who would not know one end of a rifle from the other will callously fight to avoid thoroughly investigating such incidents. They will certainly avoid paying out compensation to bereaved parents or loved ones of those killed in unusual circumstances. They have cold hearts and don't do compassion or sympathy or take into consideration what families go through. Do they actually care? Bizarrely 'firearm incidents' still occur, but how many are made public with the truthful facts for family and loved ones of those who have died? From 2001 to 2005 around fifty servicemen and women in the British Armed Forces committed suicide whilst serving; that's ten every year! These statistics are rising which has to be a worrying sign. The question that needs answering is why?

The Americans suffer epidemic proportions of suicides amongst their traumatised veterans. It is said that more US servicemen have committed suicide than those who have been killed in Iraq! They estimate one in four army veterans is homeless. In 2007 the US Army lost over one hundred and fifteen soldiers to suicide. In 2008 the US Marines alone lost over forty. It is estimated that around ten percent of US soldiers who served in Iraq and twenty percent in Afghanistan have suffered from PTSD including the National Guard and Reserves! The most shocking statistic is a recent study highlighting that between 1999 and 2010 in the United States twenty two veterans committed suicide a day that's one every sixty five seconds!

The streets in the UK are littered with service veterans who have no homes for a variety of reasons. Did serving their country and the effect of combat result in their demise? Let's take the Falklands War; it is estimated that more service personnel have committed suicide that served in the war than the number who died (255) during it. That's about eight or nine a year from 1982 to 2012 or averages around one every month and the statistics have increased since I wrote this. Does this identify a serious problem as regards to after care for our veterans with non - visible injuries or disabilities? How many veterans from wars and conflicts gone by have suffered through a lack of support? Veterans do appreciate military associations and other organizations that help them. Without their help and support veterans would suffer a great deal more than they already do today. That said the Government and MoD fat cats should do more to help and support those who have put their lives on the line for this country. Instead the Government fat cats swindle the British tax payers ensuring that they manage to squeeze every penny out of their expense claims which only highlights the seriousness and stance that it takes as regards to veteran's issues. They squander millions of pounds on nonessential goodies, desirable but not required; 'they say it's within the rules.' The real truth is they have a strong desire to have more than is needed.

There is one matter that readers who are serving or veterans should take note of and that is: If you think your suffering it takes guts to speak up and highlight the fact. Under no circumstances does it render you as weak. Remember great Generals and very clever minds have also suffered through battle or disasters from centuries back so you're not alone – speak to someone, now.

My ebook at smashwords.com PTSD Silent Heartache explains more.

It may help you

The following extract is fiction; however it will not be far from the truth as regards to over three hundred incidents involving alleged cowardice during the First World War. Units and locations are fictional.

Private Bell wasn't a coward; he was a brave young soldier who at the tender age of 15 volunteered to join up - underage. The recruiters knew he was too young to enlist into the army but they simply turned a blind eye as Britain wanted more men to join those fighting on the front line. He like many others thought that the Great War wasn't going to last for long and that the British bulldog spirit would prevail enabling the troops to return home by Christmas. He wanted to do his bit and quickly before he missed out. After making it through training he was quickly shipped out to France to join his new regiment the 102nd Lancaster's. During the battle of Silver Ridge the Lancaster's were pinned down in the open by accurate and deadly machine gun fire resulting in many casualties. In the midst of the battle he was knocked unconscious during a heavy barrage of shelling. Miraculously he got to his feet dusted himself down and eventually made his way back to the remainder of his regiment in one piece after picking up a severely wounded comrade who he bravely rescued. The casualties taken during that one battle totalled two officers and twenty two other ranks killed. Four days after the battle Bell went sick due to feeling unwell as he was shaking uncontrollably and he didn't know why. Although the medical officer knew that he was suffering from shell shock he failed to diagnose that fact. The medical officer was ordered not to diagnose soldiers with shell shock by those above and in command. He sent him out to the front line again telling him he simply had a minor nervous disorder that would soon subside. Six months later and having just turned sixteen during another attack he was seen by one of his officers wandering around in a dazed state in the opposite direction of the enemy. The officer called out to him to get down as the enemy rounds ricocheted perilously close. That was the last the officer saw of him during that particular battle and certainly sealed the fate that bestowed him on his return to camp. Although the officer did not know the full facts that private Bell was suffering from shell shock he reported that he ran away from the front line. Within hours of returning back to his lines he was paraded in front of his commanding officer (CO) still shaking from shock and totally disillusioned as to why he was being charged. He was not given the opportunity to speak to the CO before being unceremoniously marched away and placed in a small drab cold cell until his Court Martial. Bells Court Martial was a one way affair in which he was not given the opportunity to defend himself and was charged with cowardice even though he was not fit to stand trial, but no one cared. Unknowing to him whilst he was locked away and treated like a criminal his comrades, men he had fought bravely with were being organised to take part in his firing squad - the very next day! Twelve men were picked from his regiment and lined up outside the courtyard with an officer who was in charge of the firing party. Private Bell was pulled from his cell and dragged over to a lone stake gruesomely waiting in a quiet corner of the cold wet courtyard. It was 0430 in the morning and the birds were calling from the trees scattered nearby oblivious to the events that were about to unfold. The firing party were nervously waiting whilst a sergeant tied their friend to the stake and covered his eyes with a blindfold. A small piece of white cloth was pinned to his chest identifying the location of his heart, as an aiming marker for the firing party to focus on. His heart was pounding as he sobbed silently realising that he wasn't dreaming and that he was about to be shot for doing no more than his duty. The firing party had already made ready their weapons before private Bell was taken from his cell and were instructed to take aim and fire when the officer lowered his sword. The commands were planned to be silent so he would not here the rifles being cocked or the command 'fire.' A minor consolation as he would certainly feel the rounds as they ripped through his torso. Just before the firing party fired he whispered the words 'mother,' as the officer lowered his sword. Some of those in the firing party closed their weeping eyes before pressing the trigger distraught at what they were being ordered to do to their friend. Once the twelve-shots rang out the shocked birds flew in various directions away from the horrors in the court yard. Bells legs buckled as he slumped forward on the stake. The officer heard him murmur 'mother,' he was not dead. He stepped forward and unclipped his holster before removing his Webley Mk VI revolver. Without hesitation he placed it close to private Bells head and fired once. The round completed the job instantly as it tore through his skull and then there was silence. This is how soldiers who were unwell just a hundred years ago were treated. Private Bell joined at fifteen and executed at sixteen. Why haven't we learnt from those horrors? Today trying to prove to the MoD that service personnel have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) or severe health problems after taking vaccinations during the first and second Gulf Wars is a battle in its self and for many individuals a battle too far. Why did it take the Government so long to pardon the 306 heroes executed during the Great War? Could it be that they callously waited for all the relevant relatives to die so they did not have to pay compensation to them? They certainly paid no pensions to the grieving families. Sounds farfetched I know, but won't be far from the truth. Those in power within the British Government and MoD since the Great War ignored the plight of the grieving loving families of those shot at dawn. Families suffered jointly with losing their loved ones and struggling for many years after knowing they had been betrayed. Many went to their graves still grieving for their loss and not knowing that the then Defence Secretary pardoned those shot on 7 November 2006. Was this too little too late for this travesty of justice?

By the end of the Great War it is believed that around ninety thousand cases of shell shock had visited the British Army Medical Stations and around sixty five thousand were still receiving treatment ten – years after the war. The Germans had around seven hundred thousand cases of shell shock and the Americans between eighty and one hundred thousand. As these are only estimates the real figures are probably far greater. Medical officers were ordered not to diagnose soldiers suffering from shell shock and from 1917 onwards they were ordered to use the term 'not yet diagnosed.' Shell shock back then was another term for PTSD a term more commonly used today. Other terms for shell shock that have been used prior to PTSD are: Nerve Trouble, Hysteria, Anxiety and Battle Fatigue. The Americans called it 'Soldiers Heart' or 'Combat Exhaustion.'

During the Second World War General George Patton was reprimanded by President Eisenhower for two high-profile incidents of striking subordinates during the Sicily campaign. On 3 August 1943 Patton slapped and verbally abused a soldier at an evacuation hospital in Nicosia after he had been found to suffer from "battle fatigue" On 10 August he slapped another private soldier under similar circumstances ordering both back to the front line. He issued orders to his commanders to discipline any soldier making similar complaints. Patton was forced to apologize to both soldiers individually as well as to doctors who witnessed the incidents and later to all of the soldiers under his command.

PTSD is a psychological response that affects a person after witnessing something extremely distressing that involves actual or threatened death, including serious injury. It is not only servicemen and women who encounter PTSD it can affect any one. That said service personnel are at a higher risk of suffering from combat related PTSD than the general public because of the risk factors they are involved in, often on a daily basis. The US Military have around one in eight PTSD sufferers with less than half of those reporting the matter due to the stigma attached. In the UK the military are being reduced to the bone and commitments that service personnel are expected to deal with become more and more difficult due to overstretch. It must be remembered that the survivors and victims are not the only casualties of PTSD but the rescuers, helpers and those who assist in the aftermath are also vulnerable. PTSD will eventually take over the whole aspect of a person's life preventing them from doing every day activities that they would normally do to function. Relationships with friends and family will breakdown and marriages will slowly become dismantled as the condition worsens. Clinical depression, anger, insomnia, reoccurring nightmares, mood swings, flashbacks hyper vigilance, aggressive behaviour, sexual dysfunction, night sweats, avoidance and severe anxiety are some of the symptoms of PTSD. These may also lead to isolation and possible drug and alcohol related issues; hence the numbers that become homeless. Flashbacks can be initiated from the smell, sight, sounds or even the texture of something that reminds an individual of the horrors they have faced in the past. I have flashbacks relating to certain battles in the Falklands when a particular smell occurs. The smell of my own number two in the toilet or the smell of other people using the toilet or someone passing wind are triggers I reacted too. It brought back memories of the dead Argentines that lay in the bottom of their dark blood stained trenches. It wasn't because they were rotting away; it was the fact that their intestines and other bodily fluids were spattered in and around the trench. I had no choice other than to jump into their trenches on occasion as 2 Para advanced forward taking enemy positions. It was either jump into the trench full of dead bodies or risk being bombed or shot by attacking fast fighter aircraft. Dealing with the aftermath of war was not dealt with like it should have been in the early seventies and eighties through no fault of those in charge; it was simply not a priority. Stress related illnesses not only affect the service person but family and close friends too. How many suffer in silence with PTSD today? Is enough being done to prevent sufferers or potential sufferers from ruining their lives today? The alarming suicide figures should pin point that something is wrong, surely. These people were let down by the system that they put their lives on the line for. It doesn't help that the MoD does not monitor suicides of veterans. Why not? Are they concerned of what they might discover?

PTSD can creep up on any service person or veteran at any time beit hours after a battle or conflict or years later. Individuals have different stress levels or stressors therefore certain incidents will affect one individual who may suffer a stress related illness, but will not affect another. Under no circumstances does this mean that the individual who suffers a stress related illness is weaker than the next person or that he or she 'lacks in moral fibre.' It's the complete opposite; it takes courage to own up to such a problem. If you feel this way and you are still serving or a veteran pick up the phone and speak to someone. Go on take the first step.

I have spoken to people suffering the affects of war or combat and they have noticed a positive difference simply by expressing their difficulties and feelings to another person verbally or in writing. Don't let it take your life over. There is help out there for veterans such as: your GP or organizations such as the Royal British Legion (RBL) SSAFA Forces Help, Combat Stress, unit regimental welfare officers, veterans organisations, Help For Heroes and regimental associations to name a few. My advice to those who are still serving is don't wait until it's too late like many others have. If you feel the affect of stress related issues through military service speak to your friends, medical officer, regimental welfare officer or padre without fail. All correspondence should be in complete confidence and depending on circumstances should not affect career progress. If you are married don't hide your feelings and thoughts from your partner speak up - it will help. Reporting feeling un-well displays strength and not weakness and you should take the opportunity to report any stress you feel immediately. This is easier said than done I know, however in hindsight if a lot of my friends had done this many years ago they would have felt the benefits today.

Training and education beginning at ground routes level has to be the way ahead whereby recruits learn about stress and PTSD from day one to avoid suffering in silence later in their careers. They should be fully trained in recognizing potential PTSD symptoms and understand what to do if they need to report to someone. They have to be encouraged that there is NO stigma attached to reporting feeling unwell or speaking on behalf of someone else in confidence. Officer training at Sandhurst should also be aware of this invisible illness (PTSD) as they are going to be in charge of troops and some will go on to command units, regiments, brigades and the army. Their training should be in detail and not simply a quick one hour briefing session. They should also be fully conversant with the symptoms of PTSD or stress related illnesses and have the compassion and conviction to care for any individual who is suffering.

Treatment may include counselling with a qualified counsellor who is trained in PTSD or stress related issues and preferably someone who has military experience. They may cover imaginable exposure whereby the counsellor will talk about the service person or veterans past traumatic experiences openly and try to get them to talk about past memories. Audio material is a very useful tool like talking into a Dictaphone. This enables service personnel or veterans to listen to their own words spoken about their experiences and traumatic scenarios over and over again and hopefully reduce their anxiety levels the more they listen to it. Real life exposure is another method whereby they will be asked to face some of their demons again to reduce their fears. Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT.) is designed to restructure a person's beliefs and thoughts to help come to terms with stress issues. The counsellor will talk to the individual and work out a plan that the individual feels comfortable with. Remember sometimes you may feel quite upset or irritated talking about your experiences which is normal but you fight through these hard times and you will soon begin to learn tools and skills to improve your life. Standard counselling such as a counsellor who specializes in marriage break ups and family matters may not help.
CHAPTER 5

BREAK DOWN THE BARRIER

Service personnel whether male or female regular or reserves have this tough image and robustness to maintain that seals the special bond amongst comrades serving together. The stigma involved in reporting feeling stressed only fuels the reluctance to seek professional help and this has been the same for hundreds of years. During post operational tour blanket briefs the audience are normally informed that they can seek help or advice. This may appear normal but it's not a question and answer session on military tactics or aircraft recognition where the service person is trying to impress his instructors. Unfortunately there is a risk factor for a young service person to put his hand up and report feeling stressed in front of his comrades. For those who do want to say something the pressure will be immense. They are literally stuck between a rock and a hard place. On the other hand there are some service personnel who simply don't take the psychological symptoms seriously. They may have the physical symptoms that commonly occur with PTSD only they don't know it or they are in denial that they have a problem. It is not easy for a tough soldier to report sick with a stress related illness because some symptoms of PTSD may appear to be the normal for him on a weekend's bender with the lads. Such as aggressiveness, letting off steam in barracks or drinking a lot because that's what squaddies do best. They then decide to ignore or deny the psychological problems such as bad dreams or feeling hyper vigilant. Many find it exceedingly difficult to admit to feeling traumatised. There are those who tend to show less overt evidence of trauma and tend to hide the symptoms better than others. If service personnel feel unwell they have to break this barrier down and tell someone without fail.

For serving personnel and veterans this is where friends, family and loved ones can help as they will notice the physical or behavioral differences. Recognising any symptoms quickly before social and occupational difficulties become a serious issue is very important. Apart from the stigma attached to reporting sick through stress they also have to worry about what happens when they do report to a serving medical officer (MO). If a service person is kept behind from the next operational tour due to a reported illness it doesn't take much for his comrades to work out that something is wrong. If however they saw a MO or specialist on returning from operations there is a good possibility that they will be on the mend before the next tour. The point I am trying to make is get help straight away and do not delay. I eventually listened to my, wife, two daughters and close friends.

There is a big difference between a mental illness due to military operations and a wound due to military action. Service personnel are looked upon and quite rightly so as being a war hero if they are wounded during battle. In America soldiers who are wounded receive a Purple Heart. If a service person states that he is suffering from a mental illness (PTSD) some people assume that he has not got what it takes to be a good serviceman or woman – yes unfortunately there are some military dinosaurs out there. The sad thing today is that service personnel actually believe this is what some people will think. It's getting away from this mindset that is the answer to success as the latter is an unfortunate and inaccurate load of crap. Those people who do decide to report feeling unwell due to military action have already shown leadership and courage at the highest level by taking that all important first step forward in the recovery process. Speaking up and reporting a stress related illness which may only be a minor Acute Stress Reaction will prevent the condition worsening and becoming chronic PTSD. Delaying reporting potential PTSD causes the trauma to embed deeper and deeper in the memory bank. Distinguishing the fine line of doing the right thing and avoiding it is worlds apart for service personnel for all the wrong reasons. It's this type of false perception that they face often on their own that places them in a stressed and volatile position. Is there any way of improving how service personnel go about reporting a stress related illness? Being able to communicate confidentially with someone after the post op brief and stress relief period in Cyprus in an environment other than military would be a start. Let's take someone returning from Afghanistan who feels unwell. They have their post operation briefing where the unit is called together collectively and asked whether anyone has any problems. Picture this; the whole battalion are paraded on the drill square and the commanding officer (CO) or regimental sergeant major (RSM) bellows out loudly to all those on parade, "If any person feels the effects of the tour i.e. stressed out or feels they want to talk to someone then put your hand up now, or report to the medical centre." Everyone is itching to get home to see their loved ones, family and friends. Who is going to step forward and openly shout out that they have a problem? Who will go and speak to the hierarchy or medical officer shortly afterwards? The answer is likely to be very few or none at all! Although they can talk to their MO at any time they need the reassurance that they can in complete confidence. However if they report feeling stressed due to combat or something he has witnessed on the battlefield that is incomprehensible the MO may have to inform the CO if there are serious security or safety concerns. These concerns are also applicable if a veteran is working in Civvy Street.

To highlight just how big a problem reporting a stress related matter is the majority of service personnel who do report feeling unwell do so long after leaving the service, often decades later. It would be beneficial for them to be able to talk to an impartial specialist who can empathise with them. Someone who has been to war or on operations someone with a complete understanding of what emotions a service person may be experiencing, before during and after war or conflict. This can be achieved face to face or electronically; a personal touch by email where they can talk to a specialist before, during or after operations in complete confidence and at their own pace and time. They don't want to be talking to some inexperienced counsellor or psychologist with qualifications galore but without any real experience with military issues. Empathy is what is required towards the long road to recovery.

I have worked with civilians in a MoD environment and spoken with colleagues and friends outside the military. Some cannot understand why front line soldiers break up their accommodation or messes once they return to barracks after a hard long tour in Afghanistan. It's the type of behaviour that they associate with vandals and paints a negative picture of the military especially if it makes the tabloids. I understand because I have been there and done that. When I returned from the Falklands War my mate and I trashed our room. We had Argentine bayonets that we brought back with us so proceeded to slash all four mattresses to shreds like two madmen. Then we threw everything and anything out of the window, without opening it! I still cannot explain why; we weren't mad or annoyed we simply wanted to let off some steam. Right or wrong I can empathise with the young soldiers who do similar crazy things today. Straight after that I thought nothing more of the matter and went down town for a drink and within an hour I was fighting in a local bar still wearing my combat gear. I was a different person when I returned that's a fact and nothing has changed today. We didn't have post operational briefs in those days and we were not told to report to a MO or given the opportunity to speak with a counsellor. We were each given a bottle of whisky on the coach and got drunk on route back to Aldershot before jumping off the coaches in camp and going our own way; it was get on with life as normal. If service personnel were trashing their rooms and getting into trouble after drinking heavily then it proves that the post op briefs and stress relief camp in Cyprus was a waste of time and possibly the wrong route to go down. Who thought of this system and how did they come to that decision? Were specialists in PTSD involved or consulted or was it a unit or HQ Armed Forces blanket decision by MoD fat cats and pen pushers who were ordered to come up with something from those at the top in the MoD or Government?

Its thirty-five years since the Falklands War ended and our servicemen and women have been involved in continuous conflict since of one type or other home and abroad. Is a communal briefing the best the MoD and the military can offer our servicemen and women after months and months of continuous fighting with many witnessing horrific scenes? Combat Stress has stated that the number of veterans needing help for mental health problems since Iraq and Afghanistan has increased by over 70 per cent. They say that they are treating more than 1300 veterans of Afghanistan alone for illnesses from depression, anxiety and PTSD with figures rising. The MoD as per usual decline to comment.

The stigma attached to reporting a stress related disabilities within the military has to be tackled and quickly to avoid a tidal wave of mental illnesses in the future. Veterans who think they may have a problem should disregard any stigma because employers should have risk assessments, safe systems of work and work instructions to be able to deal with non-visible disabilities within the workplace. It required by law to make changes or 'reasonable adjustments' to help all disabled employees work to the best of their ability. Taking the first step and breaking down that tough barrier is a brave decision I know, but it's the right thing to do. Speak to someone beit your wife, family, friends, work colleague, padre regimental welfare officer, platoon staff or doctor. You have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of.
CHAPTER 6

LISTEN TO YOUR HEAD & BODY

I grew up in the army and learnt not only how to become a good soldier but also about life in general. One learning point that sticks out the most and which became clearer as my career was coming to a close was look after number one and put your family and loved ones first. This is very important because the MoD is not going to put veterans first once they break that military bond. That's why it is so important that servicemen and women report any physical or mental problems whilst they are still serving as the MoD do have a duty of care towards them. 'If they break you they should fix you'. After all a veteran becomes the responsibility of the NHS who unfortunately is on its knees due to Government pressure.

In 1984 I had already fought in Northern Ireland and the Falklands War. Back then soldiers fighting in Aldershot every weekend became part of normal routine and something I and certainly many before me did not put down to stress. I was aggressive and had the breaking strain of a Kit Kat – but I was a young fit Paratrooper and that was the norm to me. My family and girlfriend did notice that I had changed since I joined the army. They certainly thought that I had grown up and become a man, which I had. However later in my career my mood swings and snappiness became more apparent and I sensed that my family probably assumed that something was wrong, but were afraid to say s at that time. The problem we had in the late seventies and eighties is that some hierarchy were in the same boat as the soldiers under them and were not refined in the taboo subject of PTSD or stress related matters. Unfortunately for some soldiers this meant that they had no choice other than going down the discipline route if anyone put a foot wrong and not the medical or welfare path. No one thought maybe just maybe there could be a problem, or did those in power (medically) ignore that there may be mental health issues after conflict like they did in the Great War? I wasn't the only one drinking a lot or getting into scrapes back then it did happen a lot. We drank more that's for sure, which is a very good indication today that there is a problem.

Memories of comrades lost through conflict or other incidents are certainly not forgotten amongst a tight nit group of soldiers but they are stored away waiting to re-appear at a moment's notice. This is usually triggered when a soldier has time to think and especially after alcohol. These thoughts or flashbacks could be triggered by a smell, sound, sight or occurrence reminding a person of something that happened in the past. I have to stress that the way I felt throughout my service did not have a major impact on my career. I put this down to my personal mulish mental strength coupled with not knowing about stress related issues after conflict and not getting caught. The love and support of my family played a major role including having good friends and comrades alongside me.

Settling down with my lovely wife and kids and breaking away from the routine of being 'one of the boys,' helped. Whenever we went out for a social evening which involved drinking my wife had a method of getting me home without any problems. I called it my 'cut-off switch'. She operated this switch by simply observing what was going on around us. She could identify any possible problems before me and knew when to hit the cut-off switch. A few simple words from her, like 'come on love let's get you home,' did the trick whereby I finished my drink and went home without question. I rarely drank on my own but when I did my head told me when I had had enough and I knew when to call it a day. I don't know how I would have coped without my families love and support.

Although I had learnt important tools from my counsellor to help with my PTSD I likened myself to that of a grenade with the pin half hanging out, ready to explode at any given moment. It sounds dreadful doesn't it and that's only me; think of thousands of ex-military personnel suffering the same way walking the streets. That is why those suffering in silence have to listen to their head and body and speak to someone because it will help. If I could turn back the clock I certainly would have said something much sooner knowing what I know today. What should worry the Government is that after the various conflicts the British Forces have been involved in during the last thirty years; my guess is that there may be epidemic proportions of service personnel suffering with PTSD right now, only many don't know it yet.
CHAPTER 7

A SHOCK TO THE SYSTEM

It is a fact that many veterans don't speak up or seek advice about mental illness until many years after leaving the forces. Only then the damaged can be too deeply rooted to fix and then becomes chronic and may take many years to improve if at all. I like many soldiers before me and many of those still serving had bad memories stored away for many years waiting to be triggered like a sleeping volcano. My silent heartache kicked in after witnessing a fatal car accident on the motorway many years after completing my service. It's called severe combat related PTSD which is now so deeply rooted that it's possible I will have this illness for the remainder of my life. That's why I encourage young service personnel today to report it and deal with it know – don't delay.

I witnessed some incomprehensible sights during my service such including the devastating bomb attack by Argentine jets on the Welsh Guards whilst they were on-board the Sir Galahad. Many 2 Para personnel and attached arms heroically headed out on small boats to rescue them. This was a horrendous attack that claimed many lives. I remember the casualties coming ashore horribly disfigured or mutilated with burns that were too horrific to describe. Sierra Leone just after the civil war was a hot bed to be involved in and the devastation was plain to see. The victims were in there thousands cramped into makeshift accommodation some of which was for amputees only. Women, children and families were devastated by the evil and terrifying regime that hacked their arms, legs, lips and ears off to spread terror amongst villages and populations. I spoke to the monster that caused this horror whilst he was locked up in Pedemba Road Prison in Freetown, but it wasn't with tea and biscuits that for sure.

When I left the army I was out of the institution that had been home for over twenty four-years and it was hard to cope at times. Although I was very snappy and exploding at the slightest thing I never hurt or lost it with my family. Why? I can only put it down to the closeness between my wife and daughters who grew to understand me better than I did. My wife and daughters knew what buttons to press at the right time. On the rare occasion that I was on my own sometimes a dark mist crept in and I fell under its spell turning into someone else, often someone I did not like – a regular Jekyll and Hyde. Then as quick as the mist came it disappeared for another day only the damage would have been done. I knew I would feel terrible and say things that would hurt family and friends, but I could not stop myself. My wife grew to recognise when I was about to turn into Jekyll & Hyde and quickly put a stop to it. In other words she placed the pin back into the grenade.

One day I was travelling in my car coming home from work and as I approached my home a car was parked on a tight bend on the right hand side that was blocking the view of any oncoming traffic. I slowed down even though my side of the road was clear. I knew that if someone came around the corner and decided to pass the parked vehicle it would be dangerous. I had to commit myself and as I did a car tried to pass which caused me to brake and stop as he could not squeeze through the tight gap. The driver looked at me, rolled his window down and called me a knob. I was so surprised that I said, "What did you say?" He replied, "I said you're a knob." The bloke was stocky very rough looking and obviously was not bothered at all about confrontation. When he confirmed what he said in such a brash and cocky manner I wanted to jump out of my car and tear his head off. I could not get my car door open, as the cars were too close. I replied in such an aggressive way that I almost scared myself. I was like a mad man and was completely oblivious to the fact this was all occurring outside the front gates of a primary school and all the parents were looking on in horror. After telling the idiot to pull over up ahead I parked my car in the first place I could without thinking and jumped out. I ran to the location where I told this idiot to park up but he was gone. On returning to my car I had blocked other vehicles from turning into an area where parents parked to collect their children. At this stage I had calmed down slightly and it was only then that I realised what a fool I was to react like that in the first place. The fact remained that I would have had a go at the idiot no matter what and with that a possible court case for assault or I may have ended up in hospital. It was not clever and I know it; there was no excuse for what I did. That said it was something I simply could not control at the time. I quickly calmed down and promised myself that I would not react like that again. I say the same thing every time! Once again it was my loyal wife who brought me back down to earth.

Another embarrassing moment I remember was when I was waiting at an airport to fly to Scotland. I was diligently observing everyone; it was the hyper vigilance that presented itself to me when I was out and about. I was x-raying every part of their bodies from their head down to all their hand baggage. Every move they made and every facial expression was mentally recorded. As I sat in the departure lounge waiting to board the aircraft I noticed two young people, a man and a woman who were studying a map in detail. They were probably talking about where they were going to go trekking once they landed in Scotland. They wore backpacks and constantly used a mobile phone. I went to locate a security guard but could not find one and was now thinking twice about getting on the aircraft and my heart was pounding faster every second. I rehearsed in my head how I was going to react if they did try anything on the aircraft. Having still not located a security guard I reluctantly boarded the aircraft still on high alert. Although people were now boarding I stopped by the stewardess and whispered in her ear that I thought the two people just a few places in front of me looked a bit suspicious to me and that I was ex-military. When I look back at it now it was probably me who the stewardess thought was suspicious as she casually told me to take my seat. That said throughout the flight I watched their every move. I had to lean sideways from my seat to observe them still rehearsing what I was going to do if they got up from their seats for any reason. Thank goodness they remained seated throughout the short flight.

My anger issues and hyper vigilance were beginning to get out of control and it was only when my concerned wife approached a friend of mine that I began to listen to reasoning. He told me that he was about as close to ending it all before he listened to reason and sought help himself. This shocked me into realising that I needed help and fast. This was a man I respected and mirrored myself on in my days as a young soldier so I eventually took his advice and went to see my doctor with my wife. Although I still had no idea what was wrong with me this was the beginning of my long treatment plan.

I subscribed to a magazine called 'Veterans World,' which is free. Whilst reading this I saw an advertisement stating that 'if any veteran thought that he or she had PTSD from 1982 onwards then they could attend a programme called the Medical Assessment Programme (MAP) at St Thomas' Hospital London.' They would then be assessed by a Professor of Military Psychiatry. I hesitantly wrote to them asking for an appointment and cynically assumed that I would not get a reply. Needless to say I did get a positive reply inviting me to go to London and they even paid for my train ticket. The professor saw me on numerous occasions to do his assessment and he also wanted to chat with my wife at one point. Although I had no idea what was wrong with me he soon brought me down to earth and said that I was suffering with untreated combat related PTSD. After the assessment and diagnosis I went home and did what he told me to do which was to get my GP to subscribe a certain medication for PTSD and seek counselling. This programme is now called the Veterans and Reserves Mental Health Programme (VRMHP) and has moved to Chillwell in Nottingham. The full address is detailed later.

I was a warehouse manager in Civvy Street which was originally with the Civil Service and was a cracking place and organisation to work for at that time considering it was a public servant position working for the Government. We were directly responsible for supplying army furniture to service personnel and their families and still being involved with the army suited me. Then the Government fat cats and MoD pen pushers decided to privatise almost every Civil Service post in Colchester under a civilian contract. After working for 10-years and being diagnosed with PTSD my illness was beginning to challenge me so I decided that it would be in my best interest to inform my bosses. Some bosses were fine and looked after me but others were completely the opposite and made matters worse. I was not at all aggressive to people within my work environment as I could control my anger whilst working and if I did snap I snapped politely. It got to the stage where I was then respectfully left out of certain external company meetings. The company simply did not know how to deal with me which shocked me considering they employed over forty per cent ex forces personnel within the Garrison. They knew very little about PTSD and sadly had nothing in place for other managers to even understand the issue. The sad thing is this company contracted by the MoD fat cats appeared to have a very blasé approach about stress related issues in general. The stigma normally associated with PTSD in the services was raising its ugly head within the company I was now working for and I was now very concerned about my job. Once the word got out that I was suffering with combat related PTSD I started to think everyone was talking about me especially when my own staff began tip towing around my every move. Slowly but surely I was gradually left out of more important conferences that I had normally attended as the specialist manager in my job role. My bosses came up with some nonsense trying to justify why I was asked not to attend which did not wash with me. It hurt knowing that someone had made the decision to leave me out of certain meetings and conferences which did knock my confidence. I could sense their apprehension on a daily basis as I was like the elephant in the room and all eyes were on this madman that the company did not know what to do with. I had a lot of cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) giving me the tools to deal with certain scenarios and I was improving at work but unfortunately the hierarchy's approach didn't. I phoned our HR department and asked about whether they had anything in place to help with PTSD and I was quickly informed they hadn't. Then managers were told to write their own safe systems of work and risk assessments for their own place of work. I took the bull by the horns and wrote a risk assessment and safe systems of work for PTSD and stress related issues for my own workplace but whether they are utilised now remains to be seen.

Eventually a very stressful incident in my work place where I was the innocent party proved too much which accelerated the decline of my role. The hierarchy for whatever reason decided to prolong the investigation and instead of dealing with the party involved as per the discipline route, which I knew very well, they decided to deal with the matter in a way that would force me out. I was eventually retired on ill health – I was devastated. I eventually come to terms with the realisation that my disability was chronic and that I had to deal with it before it ruined my life. I had to change as my heart was obstinately hardened and was pulling me in the wrong direction assuming everything would be ok because I'm tough and can handle it. But my logical brain and my body told me different so I listened to my head and thought rationally about how I felt and the problems I faced. I listened to my loved ones, friends and counsellor to advance forwards.

Soldiering is a profession that individuals choose and they alone understand that this career path may lead to taking part in fierce fighting, killing and witnessing horrendous scenes more often than not. Service personnel don't expect sympathy when times are difficult only recognition for serving their country. They understand that the public support them but those who deal with the MoD and Government directly after service being veterans or their families and friends also understand the lack of compassion and consistency towards veterans.

I often think of how things would have worked out if I had been less mulish whilst still serving and sought help earlier instead of trying to be the macho man and dealing with it myself. That said I was fine until something triggered the box of tricks (my brain) releasing terrible memories from past conflicts that I assumed had been stored away safely. I know have medication that does control certain things and attend regular counselling or groups pertaining to this invisible illness.

On a lighter note trauma comes from the Greek word for 'wound.' Great Spartan generals and brave Spartans also suffered with stress related illnesses after battle so today's military are not alone. One general was called 'the trembler' because he would shake with nerves before and after battle indicating that combat stress befell mighty warriors right across time. In 1666 Samuel Pepys a Naval Administrator and Member of Parliament whose diary became famous worldwide wrote after the Great Fire of London. 'It is strange to think how to this very day I cannot sleep a night without great terrors of the fire and this very night could not sleep to almost two in the morning. A most horrid, malicious blood fire, so great was the fear; it was enough to put us out of our wits.' As you can see great warriors and great minds can suffer with trauma. Men and women of all ages and units have suffered stress related illnesses – you are not the first and you won't be the last.
CHAPTER 8

WAKE UP & SMELL THE COFFEE

I worked as a trained caseworker for SSAFA Forces Help assisting those ex-servicemen and women in need (unpaid) something I thoroughly enjoyed. If they required a shoulder to cry on or assistance in any way shape or form I was there for them. I can emphasize with service personnel suffering in silence as I suffer with untreated combat related PTSD. I also gained civilian qualifications in Advanced Counselling Skills, Stress Management, Drug and Alcohol Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Therapy and completed the Unit Welfare Officer course at Bristol University. I feel I am adequately qualified to discuss the strain and stresses that most servicemen and women go through in today's military. All servicemen and women including reserve forces and veterans deserve to be looked after for life. They are the nation's heroes and deserve the fullest support from the Government and MoD. Money should not be an obstacle or stumbling block. If this was the case then many incidents like the young hero soldier who had both legs blown off in Afghanistan who was refused treatment at the Queen Elizabeth Hospital in Birmingham because he was Scottish! He was in the British Army for Christ sake!!! What is going on? This is disgraceful and insulting to someone who fought for the United Kingdom and sacrificed so much.

To be brutally honest wake up and smell the coffee, do you really think the MoD or Government actually care once you leave the institution of the military? Remember one thing, you and your family come first. This is your mind and body so if it has been broken then the MoD should have an obligation to you and your family to fix it no matter how long it takes. I will try and answer some questions that many veterans or service personnel who are feeling the affect of stress after proudly serving their country may ask. I say stress because service personnel can suffer from many types of stress related issues whilst serving or as veterans later in life. However I will focus on PTSD because in reality this is what service personnel succumb to after serving in combat zones or on operational service world-wide.

It is only advice and those suffering in silence can read it but should seek professional help at the earliest opportunity. My advice is to skim through the questions and answers and if anything grabs your attention read on. A word of warning, you may feel upset or irritated at certain words or scenarios once you read or act on it so stop what you are doing and reflect on why you are upset. This reflection then gives you a base or foundation to work on later, so write down what is wrong. Go back to it the next day when you're ready to look at it again then see if any tips or advice in the question and answers can help you with your problem. Expressing your self is part of the heeling process so one good tip is for you to keep a diary of what your problems are; then prioritise the top three issues by asking yourself how you can logically amend how you feel. Be aware it's not a magic cure but you may read something of interest or tried something that helps you in some way. If you begin to feel worse stop reading and speak to your Doctor, but don't give up. To reiterate revisiting past experiences will hurt before it gets better.
**What is trauma?** Trauma comes from the Greek word for 'wound.' If you're struggling physically or mentally during or after service it's possible the wound (trauma) was brought on by your military service.

**What causes trauma?** Trauma can be caused by many things including violence, natural disasters, terrorism and accidents, but for service personnel war, active service or witnessing something life threatening are the main causes. Psychological trauma can cause stress or PTSD after witnessing something incomprehensible or life threatening that overwhelms an individual. This type of situation has a serious affect on the way an individual copes with such an event. The brain has captured the traumatic event and locked it away. The danger is veterans or service personnel may not recognise that anything is wrong or they are aware but refuse to believe they have a problem. Loved ones or friends and family may notice something is wrong. The brain has to be re-trained to control the trauma. To do this you may have to revisit your trauma and not avoid it. This is where counselling comes in and the counsellor has to condition the brain to un-lock the trauma. Therefore it requires re-training and going back to past experiences that will help to improve your condition. It is very similar to falling off a bike. Someone who experiences this will not get back on the bike through fear of falling off again and hurting themselves. The quicker they get back on the bike and not 'avoid it' the quicker they learn that it's not quite as bad as they first thought. After one or two more goes the brain accepts there is no danger and becomes conditioned to that fact.

**When does PTSD kick in?** It may happen immediately or take months, years or even decades.

**Why does it take that long?** Every individual has different stressors or coping mechanisms. PTSD may be triggered by another traumatic event or something from the past in the form of sight, sound, smell, feel or a nightmare which unlocks the bad memories that have been dormant. Some individuals cope well, others don't. My PTSD was triggered after twenty eight-years; five-years after leaving the army. In other words it was like a sleeping volcano throughout my twenty four-years service stored in a Pandora's Box containing all the horrors and incomprehensible sights I had witnessed throughout my career. The trigger in my case was a fatal motorway crash that my wife and I witnessed. I was the first on the scene and treated the incident like I was on the battlefield and began controlling the devastation before the emergency services arrived. To cut the storey short the person involved in the accident died in front of me with massive head trauma and there was nothing I could do to help her due to the severity of the head injury. I thought nothing of what had happened and was sitting at home when the phone rang. It was the motorway police who asked me if I had treated the person and informed me that I should go and speak to my Doctor to arrange for a blood test as she had full-blown aids. I froze for a second or two as I remembered having blood all over my hands when I was checking her over. The police officer spoke to me without a care in the world, almost like he was ordering a pizza. I said, 'ye thanks for that,' and put the phone down. After anxiously waiting for three-long months I was given the all clear. Not long after this I was driving into work and saw three birds in the sky through my windscreen only I thought they were attack aircraft. I wasn't startled in any way I simply thought they were aircraft. Then not long after that I was shouting out in my sleep and swinging my arms around violently. I stubbornly waited quite a while before my wife noticed something was wrong and a close friend and ex-army colleague told me I needed help. I listened to my wife and friend and went to see my doctor and eventually a specialist diagnosed me with severe untreated combat related PTSD triggered years later by the accident.

**Is it treatable?** Absolutely, with hard work and commitment, keep reading.

**What are the symptoms of PTSD?** They vary but may include some of the following: this list is not exhaustive. Your feelings may change emotionally and you may become tearful, anxious and irritable. You may become easily agitated losing your temper quickly over silly mundane things. You may be reminded of your past experiences via smell, sight, sound or touch. You may feel guilty of surviving. Your sleeping may be affected (nightmares of your past experiences) waking up sweating or lashing out. You may have flashbacks of traumatic experiences. You're constantly reminded of your past experiences and avoid situations that make this occur. You are always on guard, hyper vigilant. Walking in public makes you feel uneasy as if you believe danger is all around. You may take to alcohol more often than you used to, to cope. You may turn to drugs. Your domestic life may suffer due to your symptoms or your girlfriend or boyfriend may tell you that you have changed. Trouble within your unit or workplace may occur more often than not and you may well be driven to criminal activities involving the civilian police. You will become depressed and may contemplate suicide (speak to someone immediately if you feel this way). In hindsight if I could turn back the clock, I would have spoken with someone much sooner as it would have made a big difference. The longer you leave this illness the worst it will become. You may only be suffering an Acute Stress Reaction initially which may fade gradually however left untreated this can develop into severe PTSD.

**Who can I speak to reference feeling stressed/un-well if I am still serving?** First of all the job you do for your country is second to none and the nation is proud of you. All veterans respect what you do. I understand that it is difficult to report feeling un-well to your superiors through the stigma attached. I said nothing until five-years after my army career was over. Don't do what I did; tell someone now do not delay. Whether you're single or married speak to your wife, partner, mates, unit representative, unit regimental welfare officer, unit association or family (mum & dad) and tell them exactly how you feel. Have a chat with the Padre or medical officer in confidence; they will help you. Your wife or partner knows you better than anyone else and your family will listen and understand. SSAFA Forces Help, the Royal British Legion, Help for Heroes, Combat Stress and many more organisations are available and easily contactable from the internet. As you can see there are avenues available to which you can pursue and find help. It takes courage to do this and you have already proven you have that in abundance.

**Who can I speak to reference feeling stressed/un-well if I am a veteran?** You have nothing to prove to anyone and you are a hero who deserves to be helped. If you're broken you deserve to be fixed. There is help available 'use it.' The following may assist you: Whether you are single or married, speak to your wife, partner, mates or family and tell them exactly how you feel. Visit your doctor and explain what you are experiencing. Contact you're ex unit association, regimental welfare officer or the local branch of the Royal British Legion (RBL) or SSAFA Forces Help. There is a fantastic organisation in DCMH, Chetwynd Barracks, Chillwell Nottingham NG9 5HA, called the Veterans and Reserves Mental Health Programme that deals with PTSD. Their telephone number is: 0800 0326258 and email is: aphcsedcmhchi-vrmhp@mod.uk. Originally situated in London and called the Medical Assessment Programme (MAP) when I attended. I found the Professor who assessed me very sincere, helpful and understanding. They may also pay for your travel to see them. These organisations will put you in touch with other organisations that will help you, free of charge. 'Do not delay.' There should be no fear of stigma attached as you are now out of the services so go on take the first step to recovery. You may also be helped financially. There is also a great magazine you can get monthly called: Veterans World, which has lots of useful information contained in it. Email: SPVA-veteransWorld@mod.uk and ask for a copy. Remember SPVA is now called veterans-UK for future reference. Remember you're a hero so why not contact Help for Heroes – they are fantastic in supporting veterans.

**Does it mean I am lacking in moral fibre?** Absolutely not.

Remember only accept advice from someone who has experience with PTSD matters; qualifications are not always a prelude to solving specific illnesses. Whether you're still serving or a veteran from previous wars or conflicts there is help out there for you.

**How do I (the author) cope?** I have learnt to control situations that may trigger a response. For example I used to get confrontational when someone looked at me more than once, terrible but true. Now I have learnt to look away instantly if someone does eye ball me by turning the other cheek and it does not bother me at all. This method certainly ensures that I don't get involved in a scuffle unnecessarily. A nurse came up with a great idea which I utilise today. He said wear dark glasses so no one can see you being vigilant, or eye balling people. I wear prescription glasses so I have them tinted now and that idea works for me. Counselling does help with someone who understands combat related PTSD. I first attended normal counselling with someone who did not specialise in PTSD and it did not help at all. The high profile PTSD counsellor I eventually saw set me plans and individual goals. These plans may mean re-visiting the past under controlled conditions. For example I worked in an Army Garrison and have to pass the 30-metre range on a daily basis. When soldiers were firing on the range the sound of rifle fire made me feel uneasy so I avoided passing by the range when they were in use. My counsellor told me that I had to face up to my fears and not avoid them. She advised me to go as close to the range as sensibly possible one day and listen to the shooting. I was advised to repeat the process until my anxiety levels reduced. I did this on numerous occasions until my brain began to realise that in fact I was not in any danger. The brain then stores that bad memory away, hopefully for good. This is called in - vivo exposure in which I confronted a traumatic situation that I would normally avoid. I also used imaginable exposure in which I repeatedly discussed and relived my trauma with my therapist in fine detail warts and all. During both of these therapy sessions I did experience some distress however it's by facing the trauma that reduces distress in the long term. I felt angry and was on red alert when I was in crowded areas such as pubs or cafés and was suspicious of everyone. I was advised to go into a certain café on my own without my safety net (the wife) and do this for a month or so until my anxiety levels came down. Once the brain recognises that in fact there was no danger my stress levels did reduce and I could eventually sit and have a drink without acting like my life was in imminent danger. I remained with my counsellor and her sessions did help me understand why I was suffering and how I can help myself to reduce the anxiety I felt. She provided me with the tools required to challenge every day. Here is one final example that I think will help others understand how in vivo exposure (real time) works. I became very anxious when I walked through any underpasses and was on red alert and ready to pounce at a moment's notice. If anyone was walking towards me I would stare straight into their eyes and x-ray their whole body from top to bottom. The person would probably feel more threatened than I did. Likewise if someone was behind me I would continually look over my shoulder until the person passed me by and I have actually stopped in my tracks until the person walked by, which again would frighten the hell out of normal pedestrians. My therapist told me to close my eyes and relax and then she told me to explain how I felt when walking through underpasses (this was imaginable exposure) and repeatedly questioned me on this issue. After the session she told me to go to as many underpasses in my local town as I could in different locations. I did say to her that people are going to think I'm a pervert or stalker if I began walking from one side of an underpass to the other all morning. I jokingly asked her if I had to wear an overcoat. She laughed and told me to give it a try. Later that week I tried to dress like I was not a pervert and refrained from wearing any flasher type Macs. I did go to some underpasses and tried walking through without eye balling every person approaching me or stopping to let those behind me pass by. It wasn't easy but eventually after a week or so continuing this method my anxiety levels did reduce. The real time exposure worked and every time I use an underpass now I think before I go under it that there's actually no need to be on guard as intently as I was. You have to take that first step as regards to seeking help to help yourself. Although I am still hyper vigilant I try and control my fears using the tools given to me by my counsellor.

**What can I do to help if I am a family member or friend?** Family and friends may be the first to see the signs of PTSD with people closest to them. The following advice may help: Try not to leave him alone. Any mention of wishing to die or suicide should be taken very seriously so keep a close eye on him. Say you are there for him when he is willing and ready to talk. Don't push him. Ensure there are no distractions, noise, visitors etc. If he opens up to you listen carefully and ask questions. If you don't understand, don't bluff your way to understanding because he will know. If you sense the conversation is becoming intense, stop and take up the conversation another day. Praise him. Try to get him to seek help immediately from a doctor, hospital or mental health professional. Try to get in touch with his old unit regimental welfare officer or association or organisations such as the Royal British Legion, SSAFA Forces Help, Combat Stress and Help for Heroes to name a few. A dairy may help you. Note what annoys him or what upsets him and work at ways to ensure it doesn't happen again. You can also use the diary to show to a counsellor if needed.

**I have PTSD have you any tips that may help me?** The following tips may help: Keep a stress diary and note when you get stressed & why. Work on the top five stressors. If for example you seem to get angry quickly note when and why you snapped in your diary. Was it because you were watching telly and the kids were loud or your wife asked you something? Now work on how you could react differently next time without losing it and keep on working on the diary. Ask yourself should you really be acting in that way with your family or friends? Be positive and continue to work on what has made you stressed and try changing your ways. Once you have identified your stressors, develop a plan or goals; you may have between two and five stressors so plan how you are going to tackle them. Always take a deep breath when you feel stressed. Breathing exercises are a proven help during stress and anxiety. Take a big slow deep breath in through your nose, inhale, using your stomach muscles for six seconds. Don't rush your breathing, breath slowly. Hold for two seconds and then release by exhaling through your nose for four seconds and repeat as necessary. If you're sat down try tapping your knees under a table with either hand or knocking on the underneath of the table. Try alternating your legs whilst sitting down on a chair by keeping your feet planted on the floor and moving your heel forwards.

Your plan may include, relaxation that may be listening to music, watching TV, reading, sitting in a quiet area of your house, or conservatory and going for a coffee or meal with someone. Relax in the way you prefer to relax. Go for a run (if you are able) Go to the gym (if you are able) Go for a walk (if you are able) Go for a swim (if you are able) Go for a cycle ride (if you are able) Try yoga (if you are able). Humour yourself; sounds mad but try it. Look in the mirror first thing in the morning smile to yourself and mean it. Sing, shout or scream anything (legal) you will feel better. 'Go on try it.' Try 'applied tension' this is where you pretend to be the Incredible Hulk you know the green 'don't make me angry, you won't like me when I'm angry monster.' Tense all your muscles for around ten seconds when you feel stressed. You can do this in the office, sat down, in bed, at home, or whilst walking, only don't let anyone see you! Try writing about your experiences, sometimes writing about them can be therapeutic. Write in detail what you saw, how you felt at the time and how you feel now. Read it; the more you do this the better. I have written five ebooks and it has helped me tremendously. Try talking into a Dictaphone. Explain in detail what happened. Was it cold, wet or sunny? Was it frightening, distressing or exiting? Relive the event by reading what you wrote or listening to the Dictaphone. Listen to it again and again. It may be distressing but it should help. The more you listen to it the more your brain will cope with it. My counsellor read what I had written into the Dictaphone and I listen to it now and then, it did help me. I find it's more relaxing listening to another voice. Important - if it doesn't help then stop what you are doing immediately.

I find holding something to fidget with in my hand whilst walking relaxes me; it could be a pebble, stone or anything that I could jiggle with. Other positive aides may be something that happened in your life that makes you laugh or a thought or memory. This method can also be used to snap you out of feeling down and out. When you notice your mind-wandering try using a positive thought, it's amazing what simply thinking of something positive can do. I also use a calendar that is located in my kitchen on the wall for events throughout the year to communicate with my wife on a daily basis. Each day I write something on the calendar beit something sexy, complementary or funny. It makes me feel good when I hear my wife laugh. I sometimes wear a rubber wristband that most veterans, serviceman and women and the general public wear today. If you do and you're stressed pull it outwards and then release it so it slaps back on your wrist 'ouch' but it works. Use your plan and take one step at a time, don't rush. If you do feel depressed please, please speak to your family or friends and get it off your chest it does help. Remember this is not a magical cure and you should seek professional advice first.
CHAPTER 9

WHEN SERVICE ENDS

I never quite pushed myself for promotion when I was a young Paratrooper but when I was placed on the first promotion course I proudly took my first stripe when it was awarded to me. Although I had my foot on the first rung of the promotion ladder I hastily decided to get out after 6-years' service and it turned out to be the worst decision that I made in the army and one that would haunt me for many years. I will explain more in paragraph ten.

1985 was my first introduction to Civvy Street and what a shock it was when I decided to hang up my green uniform for a shirt and tie. I was discharged with six hundred pounds in my pocket and nowhere to live and no job. I had to report to the social housing people or the dole as it was known in those days to sign on. Lining up at the dole office was a whole new experience for me and a kick up the backside as I lined up with some undesirables from families who had scrounged off the system from before I joined the army. The miserable unsympathetic witch at the counter told me that because I had six hundred pounds (my savings) that I could not sign on and that I had to survive on that amount. I was told to return in six weeks and that was that, no understanding or compassion. I told her that I had nowhere to live and she simply said she would see me in six weeks. My wife and I stayed at our parents' house until we were given a rundown flat in an area away from where our families came from. To make matters worse it was a top floor flat with no lifts and my wife had a child and pram. I went back to the local council and did something that I now wish I never had. I told the person dealing with me that I was ex forces and fought for my country and hoped that this would persuade them to re-think my housing position to help me. It made no difference at all and the person simply shrugged his shoulders and looked at me like I had two heads. He also informed me that I would have to wait another four weeks before they would give me any money for good measure.

Every service person's military career comes to an end one-day beit after a successful short or long-term engagement and some unfortunately leave prematurely through injuries sustained whilst fighting for their country. Either way once that solid bond is broken some service personnel and family members will find that life after the forces may not be as straightforward as they expected it to be after being institutionalized for so long. The two major concerns for married service personnel due to leave the forces today are being housed and finding employment. Once these two problems are solved then other factors come into play such as staying in employment, keeping the house and surviving in a whole new world. I was shocked at the complete disrespect from certain employers when I applied for jobs. I was so proud to write on my CV that I had served in the army and that I also had medals for serving my country proudly. It became very clear that being awarded medals meant nothing to them and that I now had to put a different slant on my personal details when completing my CV which excluded the military. If some employers took that stance in 1985 what chances have the MoD got in trying to recruit thousands of reserve forces today when many have full time employment and some employers don't support our troops? The killer blow to veterans today is if they receive an army pension they will be expected to live off it and not get a penny from the Government unless of course the pension is so low it's below the poverty line. The sad thing is that although a veteran will have served his country he will in some circumstances be on less than those scrounging on benefits dishonestly. I eventually left in 2003 after twenty-four-years' service and because I had heads up of just how veterans leaving the army may be treated I had planned my exit well due to the difficulties the first time around and was still happily married to my wife and three kids. I bought a house locally five years before leaving so I still had my security for the family and I had a half decent pension. That said I knew that I had to get myself a job to be able to survive and pay my mortgage and I was very aware of how callous the system in place was about paying out if I fell on hard times, veteran or not.

The Armed Forces is an institution whereby service personnel become lifelong friends and associates and this friendship often extends long after discharge. A bond is formed from day one of basic training and gradually builds forming a solid foundation that is second to none. On discharge servicemen and women often keep in touch with old comrades from their regiments or corps and return occasionally for functions, annual parades or reunions to rekindle old friendships. Some may join the Royal British Legion or attend other veteran friendly charities so that they can socialise with others who have served in the Armed Forces. Many may have lost their partners therefore are left all alone and simply want someone to talk to, someone to share memories with, a friend.

Service personnel today are fully aware that they will be visiting the front line at some stage of their career because we live in a very unstable world at present. One thing is sure and that is that service personnel do not expect any favours because they served their country from anyone, but they do expect to be looked after once their service ends. The transition from being in the forces to becoming a civilian is not quite as straight forward as service personnel and many civilians think it is; regulars and the reserve forces require time to adapt to progress in civilian life. Needless to say if ex-forces personnel move into employment that reflects their previous job i.e. the military then they adapt much quicker if not instantly. For example many ex-soldiers were snatched up when private security firms were recruiting post Iraq and Afghanistan because they already had the skills needed in these environments. What better than recruiting an ex-infantryman to secure important strategic sites, vessels, cargo or people? If soldiers decide to change direction and become office workers then they do need to be broken in gently and when they do they will be an asset to any company that's for sure. I'm fortunate in that I have mates from the Parachute Regiment who I meet up with annually to attend military parades or Parachute Regiment reunions. During these reunions other friends that had not been in contact for many years began attending enabling the association or club to grow each and every year. The annual 2 Para reunion is a great success where the old and bold turn up with or without their partners. It is a weekend occasion beginning on a Friday through to Sunday. The weekend is a fantastic opportunity to meet new friends and especially rekindle past memories with comrades as far back as basic training. This is not something that the MoD implemented for their veterans, this was set up and organized by hard working ex veterans with a passion towards making life better for veterans and families. Many other regiment and units do the same for their veterans and long may it continue.

There was a very interesting and touching programme on television called 'Battle Scars' highlighting the plight of many ex forces personnel who for various reasons after leaving the forces were left on the scrap heap and homeless. It's estimated that over 12% of veterans are homeless and that three-years of being homeless can take another three years to recover from. What made this particular programme poignant was the fact that the veterans being interviewed enjoyed having someone to talk to, someone who they could relate to. They may not be part of the military institute any more but having a chat with a fellow comrade made a big difference to them. It brought a smile back to their faces even though some of them were in obvious ill health. How many more veterans are out there suffering or finding it difficult to adjust in Civvy Street once the military bond had been broken? How many who have been injured struggle with the system in place now that they have been discharged because one is too many? It should not be happening and the MoD and Government need to plough more money into better aftercare for our veterans because they appear to be taking one step forward and three steps back as regards to any positive progress.

In the fifteenth century service personnel of the lower ranks were treated like nobodies and valued less. They were used and abused until broken before being discarded without any thought at all. Does this sound familiar today where serving men and women are being told their services are 'no longer required' either by text, email or the dreaded brown envelope? Hard to believe I know! The Zulu War of 1879 saw veterans sell their gallantry medals including the Victoria Cross so they could support themselves and their families. It still happens today. When the Great War was over it was a common scene to see former soldiers begging on street corners with many selling their worthy possessions including medals to make ends meet and assist them with financial difficulties. Similar scenes occur today as ex service personnel (not Walters) stand on freezing cold street corners proudly wearing their berets selling the big issue. Many are homeless after distinctive service for their country. Some ex service personnel as young as forty sell their medals for better care for themselves or their families. A worrying fact! Recently a 92-year-old war hero from the Second World War who shot down twenty-one enemy aircraft and was awarded the DSO & bar and the DFC & bar had to put up his medals for sale to pay for his care! This is disgraceful and only confirms what I am trying to highlight here. Veterans should be looked after for life and not disregarded and resigned to such measures as this icon of the Second World War. During the 65th anniversary of the D - Day landings some veterans were not going to be assisted financially to travel and take part in the historic celebrations to the dismay of the veterans. Five years later veterans who wanted to celebrate the 70th anniversary of D.-Day were concerned for their older comrade's safety. Abled veterans who landed in Normandy, France were concerned that the schedule of events was too big for the less abled veterans many who were over ninety years of age. They were concerned that the event would be taken over by politicians and believed it would be their show and not the veterans - Shameful. That said good news followed bad when the treasury stated that it would fund the remainder of the D.-Day celebrations in the future by utilizing hundreds of millions of pounds in fines levied on banks involved in the Libor scandal – let's see what materializes.

The great British general public has been the lifeline for veterans for many years dipping into their pockets and donating to the many charities that support veterans in need. Without this support quite frankly there would not be too many systems in place to help young and aging veterans. They give support financially or in person recognizing just what the military do for this country. The annual VE day in London is one such occasion where veterans young and old including civilians who served their country proudly parade for the general public. When I attend these annual events it lifts me tremendously whereby my frame of mind and spirit was revitalised after meeting old comrades. I became very emotional observing the general public lining the roads and pavements ten deep clapping and cheering all the veterans who took part. It's hard to describe the emotions one goes through during this type of occasion. The hair on my arms stood to attention as my body tingled away at the sight before me. I felt so proud and honoured that the public turned out in there thousands to cheer all those on parade. Some of the veterans, many very old, injured or disabled somehow managed to stick their chests out in pride. They marched and ignored their personal pain; it was a sight to behold. Those being pushed in wheel chairs still managed to sit to attention and take in the atmosphere and applause from the crowds. It certainly brought a tear or two from those in the ranks. The general public does this every year and not just in London but in many smaller counties and villages around the country. They can be rest assured that those serving and ex service personnel appreciate it sincerely. I will never forget one VE day in Colchester whilst I was standing on the high street with my wife waiting for the two minutes silence. An elderly lady was slowly walking across the street. Her delicate body was being supported by her Zimmer Frame. When the two-minute silence was presented she was only half way across the street. This didn't deter her as she stood bolt right to attention and did not move an inch until the two-minute silence ended and then she casually carried on her way. That's what I call support from the great British public, unbelievable.

Wotton Bassett a small town in Wiltshire was at the forefront of such public support under somewhat sad circumstances not of their choosing. It was here that the huge RAF Globemasters on route to RAF Lyneham flew low over their town to repatriate the bodies of the servicemen and women killed in Afghanistan. The general public, strangers, family and friends packed the streets to pay their respects to those who sacrificed their lives for this country. They lined the streets often five or six deep come rain or shine in mourning together as the cortege slowly drove through. The Queen granted this magnificent town royal patronage in March 2011 in recognition of its role. RAF Brize Norton in Oxfordshire then resumed responsibility for the repatriation of our brave heroes.

Culling the military to the bone is a misnomer when the Government decides to slash the defence budget because they are certainly not putting money back into the pot. Payouts or compensation to veterans who are genuinely injured physically or mentally serving their country is something that MoD will think twice about before committing to any wrong doing. Paying out to those who suffered during service was a big issue many years ago and it appears it is still open to debate today. The Government will sit back and let the many and varied charities raise funds for service personnel and veterans when it should be them providing the financial clout. Instead they continue to reduce the defence budget which ultimately has a devastating knock on effect on service personnel, their families and veterans in need. We must never forget that veterans from past conflicts and wars are still fighting today for compensation from the Government/MoD for injuries sustained during service. In the 1950s when veterans were exposed to radiation during the British nuclear weapons tests on Christmas Island in Australia and the Pacific Ocean to more recently in conflicts like Iraq with Gulf War Syndrome and Afghanistan. It makes you wonder sometimes whether the MoD decide to prolong possible claims against the MoD deliberately often for decades knowing that veterans are going to pass away through old age or illness. As the world becomes unsteady the Government spends millions on aid for other countries and yet they cannot look after their own. They are spending two billion pounds after the War in Afghanistan by attempting to maintain and train their police and army. Don't get me wrong I am fully supportive in aiding others in need but the Government does need to get its priorities right.

During the conflicts on terror any house or piece of land that got damaged by our forces the Government compensated the locals handsomely. An Iraqi family who claimed against the MoD was awarded approximately three million pounds in compensation. Although I have nothing against compensating for wrong doings the Government would fight hard and long to pay out such amounts to service personnel today. The tabloids also reported that a young Iraqi boy who was accidentally shot by a British soldier was awarded two million pounds for being paralysed by the soldier's stray bullet. This compensation dwarfs any given to individual serviceman and women who have sustained serious injuries whilst serving in combat. Surely the military covenant is devoid when the MoD pay out huge amounts to non British personnel at the drop of a hat and yet fight with determination when it comes to paying the heroes who are putting their lives on the line daily. Another case of how the British system stinks when it comes to protecting their own heroes from past conflicts was in 2003 when a decorated war hero who shot an Iraqi man during a violent struggle in which the Iraqi was trying to grab the soldiers weapon. It was clear to the soldier that he thought his life was in imminent danger. This soldier was continually hounded by Ambulance chasing money grabbing lawyers who callously profit under the human rights act and don't look at the bigger picture of a war hero defending this country. These callous people from a taxpayer funded organization called Public Interest Lawyers (PIL), cost the tax payers nearly thirty million pounds over just five years. They sought large financial payouts to line their greedy pockets regardless of the heartache caused to those fighting and risking their lives on the front line or their families. The Iraqi family's may be awarded compensation whilst our service personnel suffered for many years during the ongoing investigations and many are now jobless and broke. How many more service personnel have suffered in torment whilst weak Government officials and MoD personnel sit back and watch money grabbing lawyers make millions by stitching up those who have served this country proudly? The coalition Government stated that they may cut the War Widows Pension and that of those veterans injured during their service in the armed forces. What an absolute disgrace and betrayal. What a slap in the face for widows, ex serving veterans and those serving today who want to protect their families in the future. I believe it won't happen; however the number crunchers in Government should be ashamed of themselves for just thinking of contemplating such a thing! Another unsympathetic idea conjured up by the Government was to classify service personnel the same as other organizations such as fire fighters, nurses and police as regards to pensions. Yes fire fighters, nurses and police have a challenging role, but they are on polar opposites to the roles of service personnel. Service personnel cannot rack-up huge overtime bills because service personnel don't get overtime and certainly can't go on strike. They cannot moan to trade unionists because they want more pay. They are specialists in what they do, 'protectors of this country'.

The American's have dedicated hospitals and support from their Government for veterans. They provide free education, books and holidays and also allow veterans to have access to military facilities for life. Why doesn't the British Government provide veterans with military facilities for life including the use of gyms, dental and medical facilities for families? Instead their strategists and pen pushers decided to pay millions of pounds to an organization called ATOS healthcare to carry out medical examinations of veterans and was certainly not veteran friendly by any means. The examiner may not be medically trained and they simply use a computer that has a standard set of questions to ask the claimant, which are designed to fail. They don't do compassion and don't listen to what a claimant has to say. If you want to here some horror stories about ATOS healthcare look them up on Google, you will be shocked. This goes to show how the Government and MoD fat cats will stop at nothing to avoid any type of further payment or gratuities. I was walking my dog when my mobile rang so I answered the call and could not believe my ears. It was a foreign doctor who I could not clearly understand who told me he was from ATOS Healthcare and that he was coming to my home to examine me. I had no letter or any idea that this was going to happen and I basically told him where to go without coffee. I would not like to guess how many other veterans received the same type of cold calling by foreign doctors from ATOS healthcare or what their reactions were. One thing I can say is the way some veterans are treated by ATOS healthcare I would not be surprised if some veterans took matters into their own hands and landed themselves in serious trouble and a possible custodial sentence.

How many times have we seen in the media articles about young veterans who require a mobility vehicle, house or other benefit to be told no? I have read about veterans being refused mobility who have amputations because they can walk fifty meters with their prosthetic limbs and walking sticks. How sad is that. The ATOS designed to fail questionnaire that examiners cannot deter from under any circumstances simply fail veterans seeking help. It has been claimed that some ATOS examination rooms are located more than fifty meters away from the waiting room so that if someone goes for the medical and states that they have difficulty walking any distance they fail before they step foot in the examination room! So as you can see veterans with disabilities was not part of the equation when this ridiculous scheme was thought up. I have also read that veterans in wheelchairs have been placed in sky rise flats. The fact remains that they should never have been placed in such an awful position with disabilities on leaving the forces. More recently in the media ATOS healthcare have said they are going to pull out of the half a billion pound contract when it expires in August 2015 due to threats they are receiving. More so because a Government report found its assessors were of unacceptable and poor quality – but the MoD began this failed initiative in the first place! They should concentrate on the thousands of cretins who are walking around with walking sticks bluffing their way with either the bad back or leg syndrome that some idiot doctors fall foul of. The amount of people I have seen with walking sticks who walk faster than me is outrageous. Then we have the thousands of disabled vehicles badge holders who park their vehicles wherever they want. Not all bluff their way as regards to dishonesty with illnesses but many do. I've seen some dismount their vehicles quicker than Usain Bolt. I have witnessed disabled badge holders jump out of their vehicles and run to the shops and back again.

Ex-Prime Ministers' receive more in expenses in one year than a private can earn in twenty five-years. Who's to blame for the lack of aftercare? Is it our leaders in Government or our leaders in the MoD?

As commitments for troops gets worse with the MoD making thousands of service personnel redundant more and more good experienced soldiers are committing their loyalty to private security contractors abroad who pay better and take more care of them when they retire. The MoD has very clever fat cats working for them whose strategies include less manning on a restricted budget. When they say that they are building new recuperation centers around the country (normally paid for by the RBL or Help for Heroes) for the many wounded that come back from war. That sounds great but what's the Government's real aim? Is it to watch over those who are injured before slowly deciding who is fit to carry on serving? Will these heroes be the next victims of the cull that the Government keeps chipping away at? Military pensions after service have also been hit by MoD and Government hatchet men. From 2015 the army pension scheme changed and believe me the number crunchers in the MoD have really done their homework ensuring that the new system benefits them and not the soldier. This does not bear well for the recruitment drive. So as you can see those fat cats who get paid outrageous amounts from the MoD to plan financial strategy do their job very well and ruthlessly without a care in the world. It speaks volumes when the MoD writes to veterans at either fifty-five or sixty-five years of age to see if they are still alive before continuing with the individual's pension. When veterans hear about the MoD paying excessive amounts of money out to many individuals for frivolous incidents then whining about defence black holes pertaining to the military they become very disillusioned. In 2007 the MoD paid nearly half a million to an RAF typist who claimed she suffered repetitive strain injury to her thumb! In 2013 the MoD paid three female RAF recruits one hundred thousand pounds each as they claimed spinal injuries due to marching with taller male comrades! It speaks volumes when the Daily Mail reported in 2014 that the Government pays a drunken sailor who sustained a serious back injury whilst taking part in a mess function fueled by alcohol one million pounds compensation. Heroes of our Armed Forces who were seriously injured during Northern Ireland, Iraq, Afghanistan and other conflicts received pennies in comparison! This lack of care towards veterans and those injured seriously puts doubt in the legitimacy of the military covenant. It certainly highlights that the Governments priorities lie elsewhere. The MoD could save money and plough it back into the veteran's pot by sacking those responsible buying light bulbs for £22 each when they could have been purchased for just sixty five pence each! What else are they procuring for silly money?

More recently in the media it was reported that around one hundred and twenty eight civil servants and a range of other Government departments and agencies were enjoying themselves on a subsidised yachting holiday paid for by the tax payer. They classed it as a team building exercise in the Isle of White for six days branded by some as a taxpayer subsidised booze armada. It goes to show that there is no expense spared when the Whitehall machine which is obviously run on convenience of those who work there rather than the need of the tax payer. The Houses of Parliament requires a facelift so the tax payers may have to fork out anything between one and three billion pounds to have it refurbished, yes you heard it right, 'billion,' what a billion pounds could do to help veterans and the wounded right now? Where was the support for the soldiers who were being accused of torturing Iraqis five years ago? It took an enquiry that costs £31 million, paid for by the taxpayer to expose the accusations as a lie. Being accused of this hideous crime has ruined their reputations and made them feel very angry and let down, let alone the stress incurred to them and their families. How often are we going to see in the media stories about veterans who were fighting in Northern Ireland dragged through the courts for doing their jobs?

Why am I so passionate about the treatment of veterans once service ends? My best mate took his own life in December 2014. He served in 1, 2 and 3 Para and when he was discharged he became very depressed. He assumed he was suffering with PTSD but did not make a fuss about it as ex-soldiers tend to do. I finally managed to get him to talk to me and it was very clear that he had a serious problem. Eventually he did contact the MoD about this and because we were very close he kept me informed every step of the way. Needless to say and without going into too much detail the MoD thought different and made life very difficult for him. One day he drove from Scotland where he lived to my parents' house in Manchester to visit my dad who was very ill with cancer because they both got on very well. When he returned to Scotland the next day I received a disturbing call from my sister stating that he appeared to have been saying goodbye to everyone and that he was very downcast. I found this strange in that he was a very amiable and cheerful bloke even though he was depressed. I was waiting for my usual call from him the next day and it duly arrived only it was at 06.00 hours in the morning which I found odd. When I picked the phone up he went straight into a volley of verbal where I could not get a word in to calm him down, something that haunts me today. He said he had had enough and could not take any more and that I was not to think that he was weak. I tried to speak but he raised his voice, something we would never do to one another out of equal respect "Listen to me," he said and I could sense just how difficult this was for him he was deadly serious, so I listened with a heavy heart. Don't ask me how but I knew where he was going with this conversation which was one way, and it wasn't going to end well. I did listen whilst he said a few private words to me and Paratrooper or not my heart broke in half as he decanted his words to me. Tears fell down my face as he quickly finished but I did not interrupt him as he wished until the end and then he put the phone down. My mate was god parent to my youngest daughters daughter and if anyone could talk to him, she could so I informed her what had happened. She desperately tried to get in touch with him without success and was broken hearted seeing me upset and also knowing something was dreadfully wrong. Not long after his early call I received a call from the police in Scotland informing me that he had taken his own life. In a final depressed and emotional state he cut the barrels from a shotgun he owned and knelt on the living room floor and placed both barrels to his chest before pressing both triggers and ending his pain forever. Could I have got him to change his mind – who knows? He knew me better than I did that is why he shut me out of the conversation. He was a typical Paratrooper, robust, strong cheeky and confident at anything he was tasked with. He was just 53. I would like to visit him at the National Memorial in Stafford but the MoD don't record suicides of veterans or recognize them at this site. I miss him terribly.
CHAPTER 10

A CHANGE OF DIRECTION

Due to more military cuts and defence austerity within the MoD I was backed into a corner by manning and records office and had no option other than to leave the Paras. They would not let me sign on to complete my 22-years' service and made me sign for 3-years at a time. They we very cut throat and did not care who they were basically tossing out onto the street. No rank was safe as the fat cat pen pushers callously waved their black wand to kick soldiers out of the army. The uncertainty of not knowing whether I was going to be allowed to sign back on again was enormous due to the insecurity that was normally assured. Therefore I had to move on and try to secure the remainder of my future by eight-years. I would never move to another infantry regiment because I was a Paratrooper and wanted to remain a Paratrooper so I decided to transfer to the discipline hub of the Armed Forces world-wide the Military Corrective Training Centre (MCTC) in Colchester – known as the Glasshouse.

All the British Armed Forces detention facilities worldwide have now vanished and only one remains the (MCTC) in Colchester. They were culled by the Government in the same preposterous way as the many dedicated military hospitals. The MCTC detains servicemen and women from all three services and civilians subject to the Armed Forces Act in accordance with the provisions of the Service Custody and Service of Relevant Sentences Rules 2009. The service personnel detained in the MCTC were known as soldiers under sentence (SUS). The detainees as they are known today can serve sentences from fourteen days to two-years for various offences. The establishment is without doubt the cornerstone of discipline within the three services worldwide and a place where service personnel learn from their mistakes. Some detainees are given periods of detention and discharged i.e. services no longer required. Others will complete a period of detention and then return to their units to soldier on as normal. More serious cases are transferred to a civilian prison or a young offender institution. Those detainees who soldier on are trained over and over again and without a doubt become better servicemen and women on leaving. Those detainees who are being discharged are aiming to become good citizens in Civvy Street by enhancing their learning skills directed towards being civilians once more. The facilities at the MCTC I have to say are tremendous where service personnel can learn, plumbing, carpentry, painting & decorating or plastering skills to name a few. This is frowned upon in some quarters within the services. This is because service personnel who serve their time without being detained in detention will not get as qualified as someone who is serving a long sentence at the MCTC before being released into Civvy Street. It doesn't help when detainees serving sentences sleep on four-foot beds and mattresses and have wall mounted TVs in their rooms due to the continuous softly, softly approach by those in charge when some service personnel back at their units are sleeping on the old Second World War two-foot six metal framed spring mounted beds. Offences can range from theft, fraud, burglary, assault, absent without leave (AWOL), desertion, rape, robbery and murder. The staff of the MCTC is selected from all three services comprising of various cap badges. The three-month selection process enables the hierarchy to select suitable service personnel to re-badge into the Military Provost Staff Regiment (MPSR) previously known as the Military Provost Staff (MPS) and Military Provost Staff Corps (MPSC). The corps is relatively new and was originally formed in 1901 by a Lt Colonel Garcia known as the father of the corps.

Although my transfer was complete manning and records office were still messing me around and I had to injure another four years of uncertainty before they decided to grant me a contract to complete my 22-years full service. This only happened because I had people with power pushing in all the right directions who I cannot thank enough. That said manning and records office still had the last laugh as they made me go to the local careers office in Colchester and sit in the waiting room with spotty faced teenagers who were trying to enlist into the army. I was a staff sergeant and did question why I had to go to the careers office and was told that I had to be discharged from the army and re-enlist again before being sworn in once more. I have to say although I was chuffed my career was actually safe this was embarrassing.

I utilized all my professional skills and experience and said that I was going to stamp my authority on the MCTC and give it a good old Para shake-up. It paid off as I made top soldier and became the Regimental Sergeant Major (RSM). Fitness was my priority with the staff and I ensured that if they wanted to progress then they had to be in tip top shape. I ensured that I did every test that the staff did physically over and over again and also implemented a compulsory fitness regime that staff had to do on a certain day of the week. I attended most detainee lessons beit tactical or educational and was always available with an open door policy for staff. I worked with some very switched on service personnel and had a great rapport with one officer who became the officer commanding A company (soldier on) when I was the company sergeant major. He climbed through the ranks and made major only to be posted out when I was selected as the RSM. This guy would not have looked out of place in the Paras and was well respected by all including units around Colchester and beyond. I was in my last two years when I took on the RSMs role and the MCTC was going through a rough patch at the time. Although I tried very hard to turn the place around and was enjoying the job two incidents occurred that changed everything. These incidents were something that I could have dealt with easily but certain officers within this corps decided differently. The person in charge of the Provost Branch for the army was the Provost Martial and he can make small things bigger or bigger things smaller and in my case he went to town for whatever crazy reasons. I believe it was because I was an ex Paratrooper, but can't prove it. He decided to use his special investigations branch (SIB) to carry out a full scale forensic investigation – yes you heard correct 'full scale forensic investigation.' One of the incidents was in France whilst visiting the Great War battlefields only this trip incorporated the probationer's course of new staff transferring across to the MPS. I did not want to take probationers with permanent staff to France and made it very clear that I thought it was a bad idea to certain officers to no avail as the CO wanted it to happen and that was it. The commandant or CO of the MCTC is always from a different cap badge. My concerns about mixing probationers with staff where drink is involved became a reality when some permanent staff and certain probationers went for a few drinks in a local bar in France. At this time my regimental quartermaster (RQMS) and me decided to call it a day and did our own thing. Then the inevitable happened as predicted by me as a probationer kicked off in a drunken state only to be put back in his place by one of my staff. The whole matter was a minor skirmish and when I found out about it the next morning I decided to deal with it on our return to England. However, the Provost Martial built what was a silly basic error of judgement from my CO and corps officers into a mountainous unnecessary costly investigation. Most of the corps officers closed ranks and did not talk to me or my senior staff. My CO did not stand by me as his RSM and right hand man. Although I had done nothing wrong my eyes were wide open to what was being orchestrated by the Provost Martial as he appeared to be trying to make a huge statement about the MCTC for his own reasons. Needless to say of this particular incident, although stressful for my staff, nothing came of it. After that incident I knew I was on my own as regards to support from the officers so I had to watch my back. The next incident was in my own Warrant Officers & Sergeants Mess during a function that I organized to get the relatives of staff to the mess to see what we were all about. One member of staff had an altercation with another out of sight and sound from me. I was sober and standing with my wife and son talking to another couple. I always remained sober when I was the RSM something I choose to do myself and these incidents were exactly why I chose to do this. The lad who caused the havoc came to the bar and was yelling at me about the incident effing and jeffing in front of my wife and son; he was obviously pissed. There was a room opposite the bar so I told the idiot to get inside whilst I have a word. I informed him that I was not happy that he was swearing in front of my wife and son and that I would see him outside my office on Monday morning. With that he stormed out of the room still effing and jeffing and went back into the mess area causing more havoc. My loyal committee members and Warrant Officers dealt with the matter and these were people I could trust and looked up to. Unbeknown to me another member of staff a sergeant phoned the RMP without first coming to see me probably advised by an officer who clearly did not support me when making this decision. Personally I would not phone the RMP if the mess was burning to the ground. The Provost Martial once again sent in his heavy armour with investigators and forensics; yes forensics and cleansed the mess as if a multiple murder had taken place. To say I was shocked would be an understatement. The SIB interviewed me under caution and my warrant officers at the local RMP police station. They took our finger prints and made us feel like criminals when we clearly did nothing wrong. The Provost Martial prolonged the investigation having no regard to the stress it caused to my staff, warrant officers and me. The CO who was clearly lost at the time and obviously listening to the wrong people requested I come to his office and bizarrely told me I was being posted and actually gave me the position and location. I told him I was going nowhere and remained in post – that's loyalty for you. I had no support from the officers in place at that time which told me the Provost Martial was after scalps. I did turn the MCTC round for the better even though some of my loyal warrant officer's and me were thrown to the wolves - being the RMP and SIB by the Provost Martial and certain officers with no back bone from the MCTC. I was totally stunned that some officers did not communicate with me or my warrant officer's throughout the investigation and kept their distance. On my final interview with the CO he obviously brought up the two incidents during our ninety minute chat. Although he was in charge of the unprecedented and unethical farce he openly admitted to me that he should have listened to his gut instinct instead of his officer's. In fact he didn't have a good word to say about the corps officers that tells a story in its self! My warrant officers and I kept our integrity to the end and I thank them for their full support throughout this outrageous ordeal that was blown out of proportion in an instant because someone said so! The truth came out in the end whereby the idiot who ran riot in the mess that night was found out – say no more. I enjoyed the majority of my time at the MCTC and feel proud of what I achieved but the bitterness of the way those two incidents panned out will never go away and those who basically tried and failed to stitch me, my staff and warrant officers up 'you know who you are,' shame on you. It goes to show that discipline in the services is vital to success, but it can be twisted and molded to suit those in power for all the wrong reasons.

Due to the Provost Martial being a Royal Military Policemen or women his allegiances are with the red caps first and foremost. So if the MoD decided on cuts within the Provost Branch then the Provost Martial would ensure that his precious red caps are safe and secure. In a nutshell this man is the sheriff of the British Army worldwide and some say the judge and jury.

I had to make a change in my career direction as regards to securing my contract since the MoD let me and thousands more like me down. The good memories of the MCTC far outweigh the bad. What happened to me did leave a bad taste in my mouth and I can see now why this unit does not have as strong a connection with old comrades as many other units do. Maybe if they could break away from the Provost Martials grip that may improve in time.
CHAPTER 11

THE MILITARY COVENANT

The Government must take a more pragmatic view and recognise that they have a 'Duty of Care' towards its Armed Forces and their families. The military covenant is thought of as the foundation of military tradition for those who served their country. It is a type of gentlemen's agreement spanning back hundreds of years ensuring those veterans and service personnel and their families are cared long after service. Service personnel including the reserves, Royal Navy, Royal Marines and Royal Air Force are on many occasions called upon to make personal sacrifices for their country and in doing so are putting the need of the country before their own, including their families. Tens of thousands of service personnel have paid the ultimate sacrifice for their country including those seriously wounded physically or mentally. Veterans, service personnel and their families should be valued, respected, appreciated and cared for by the MoD and Government. This appreciation should extend to their families who stand by and support their partners throughout. It's through their encouragement and loyalty that the soldiers serving in high-risk areas find the strength required to fight on during difficult periods. When we continuously read articles in the tabloids or on the news about severely injured and disabled veterans struggling medically and financially only highlights the problems facing our heroes today. It is made worse by the Government and MoD fat cats who fail in their duty of care and simply push those in need onto the NHS waiting lists or refuse to pay out financially to ease suffering. The military covenant is simply a tool used by unsympathetic strategists employed by the Government for the MoD to look like they are interested in veteran's welfare and should form an unbreakable bond between the nations for life. It should be an unbreakable common bond of identity, loyalty and responsibility that has sustained the Armed Forces throughout its history. It should be enshrined in law to reassure those service personnel and veterans that the Government and MoD does actually care. When families of those seriously wounded service personnel have to fight for support – what good is the covenant?

The public as always show their support in recognizing the sacrifices that our servicemen and women give to their country on their behalf by attending Armistice Day every year and supporting the many charities who do help those in need. It's the Government and MoD pen pushers who need to show their gratitude towards the servicemen and women who have been loyal to this country. How long does it take to write a legal document A4 size breaking down exactly how the Government should look after service personnel, families and veterans for life? Mental health issues should be at the top of the agenda along with serious physical disabilities because PTSD or stress related illnesses may be epidemic in the coming years due to the continual conflict that our brave service personnel have been involved in. Those very seriously injured are going to require the right type of care for the remainder of their lives. This Government should not take the same stance as previous Governments and ignore PTSD or those very seriously wounded. Just a hundred years ago our brave Armed Forces were ignored during the Great War and those who did draw attention to their concerns of stress related issues were shot! The Government is obviously not taking this issue seriously enough by employing ATOS Healthcare as their henchmen to ensure veterans don't get looked after because ATOS have been directed by the Government to use their computerized made to fail tick questionnaire on all medical problems that people go to see them about. The MoD just keeps on pushing and shoving veterans to the limit by continuously making life difficult chipping away like desperate vultures, picking until there is nothing left on the bone. Pensions are just one area that the MoD and Government hit which will have a huge impact on the next generation of service personnel and certainly not for the better. They should be realistic and reasonable for long military service for life and they should be able to access them at a young age because of the severe wear and tear on the body. Threats by Government puppets to cut widows pensions or take a service persons pension from him if he fails to turn up for a review don't help. The number crunchers in the MoD who are overpaid for coming up with bold ideas as regards to pensions including freezing them certainly did not think that just maybe it would not look good on the ever declining recruitment drive. All pensions that veterans receive for serving their country should be sacrosanct from any cull or steps by uncaring fat cats in the MoD to callously chip away at.

Service families housing and accommodation should be brought into line with the thousands of better equipped social housing that the Government supplies and supports. Selling off service families housing and breaking the close bond of service life by intermingling service personnel with civilians was another stupid move by MoD fat cats. It's a fact that service housing is worse and some contractors who should be up to the job of supporting families are failing in response times for repairs to properties and general welfare.

Medical aftercare is certainly an issue for those who have since left the services who were wounded and proof of this would be the young soldier who was severely injured and wanted to be treated at the so called 'military unit' (hospital) in Birmingham. He was refused because he was Scottish!! How many more awful incidents like this have not hit social media? The Government needs to take a leaf from the Americans books pertaining to veterans. They provide dental & medical care after service for the duration of their lifetime and the use of fitness facilities. Aftercare for our heroes should be administered and managed by ex-serving personnel who actually care and not by Government dictators or MoD yes men who don't care. Veterans are informed that they will receive priority medical treatment when they seek help from their doctors or attend a hospital for a condition they suffer with that was caused by military service. This looks great on paper and especially within the military covenant but don't let that fool anyone. I have visited many hospitals with problems that were caused through military service and the staff did not have a clue what I was harping on about. In fact I was very embarrassed when I mentioned it to the receptionist and simply gave it up as a bad joke. That said there are some hospitals that do recognize this but they are far and few. I certainly feel for families of those veterans who are still fighting for justice as regards to the loss of their sons or daughters through suicide, suspicious circumstances or negligence. This is heart breaking and should not be an obstacle for the MoD who should fully support these families wholeheartedly. Those in power - now should not be thinking about redressing these issues once they are out of their cushy well paid public paying jobs. Do it now. A start would be to have the names of all those veterans who have committed suicide after service recognized for the loved ones and friends left behind suffering on a daily basis. Veterans from the past and present their families and friends know why certain individuals took their own lives and I might add many heroes and robust individuals they were. Get their names on a separate wall at the National Memorial Arboretum because they were heroes when they were alive and their heroes in death. The Government will throw a spanner in the works and ask who ever pushes for this idea to obtain half a million signatures in a petition within five days – because they are good at that.

After lots of public concern and social media in May 2011 the Defence Secretary published the overdue Armed Forces Covenant that the public and veterans had been waiting for. Some would argue that this weak document was never at the top of the Governments agenda and was only pushed in the right direction through public pressure. So what have they come up with to show that they support our brave heroes, families and veterans? Well the 'military covenant' as we knew it is no longer called the military covenant. Downing Street asked a task force singing to their tune to develop ideas to support the covenant and enshrine it in law. They were to seek innovative low cost solutions to some of the known issues faced by serving and former service personnel and their families. To ensure that power remains in house the Government will be responsible to govern the covenant therefore it is doomed to fail before it starts. In my opinion there have been no vast improvements as regards to the covenant. Why you may ask? First of all the task force personnel who came up with the new idea are puppets who won't bow down to the MoD or Government and will come up with what they want and nothing else. The brown nose red tabs known as 'yes men' in the MoD will pose with company directors and or politicians for a photo shoot displaying their assassin smiles for the cameras and media. The new name for the military covenant is: 'The Armed Forces Community Covenant.' What sticks out here is the word 'community' and this is where the penny pinching strategists earn their bucks. They have decided to slope shoulders away from the Government and have public service providers, private companies, charities and community groups to do all the hard work for them and provide support to our veterans. Key words like strengthening relationships between the nation and the military look great on paper. The fact is the nation has always supported the military and continues to do so. Many charities work tirelessly to support service personnel and veterans. They make millions each year to finance and support veterans and families so the 'community' part of this covenant is already in place and always has been. To expand on the 'community' part each geographical area in the country will be responsible for its own covenant. This means that the Essex covenant may differ from Hampshire for example. This looks like the Government is placing the pressure and responsibility squarely on the local council's shoulders. Other key words used when in fact they are already happening are: To encourage local communities to support the armed forces; they do. To promote awareness and understanding amongst the public; this happens. To recognize the sacrifices made by our armed forces; they do. Integration between the Armed Forces and the public; this already happens. So as you can see just some of the many support functions in the new covenant are in place already. Basically the Government can swap and change the covenant any time they want to and they will when it suits them. Enshrining it in law is a joke and their kidding no one. Let's look at some of the so-called perks they are suggesting.

The first is a veteran's card that gives ex service personnel 10% off certain items in various stores. Most companies do this regularly for their employees and as a veteran I can easily obtain such offers from some MoD websites or simply barter with the local shops. I can tell the store I am a veteran (with proof) and most will give a percentage off willingly and often more than 10%. So there is no change there. Extra NHS help for veterans. I have been trying to be seen quickly by the NHS for certain problems and proudly told the consultants that I am a veteran; it got me nowhere and many doctors and nurses knew nothing about priority treatment for veterans. This certainly requires looking at. For veterans who require priority treatment use the following reference when speaking to medical personnel: As the patient is a military veteran and his or her current condition may be related to military service, this referral should be considered for priority treatment under the rules set out in the NHS Operating Framework 2008/9, paragraph 3.15, 2009/10 paragraph 66 and 2010/11 paragraph 2.55. Good luck.

It speaks volumes when Johnson Beharry VC was waiting for over three hours to be seen in an NHS Hospital and he holds the Victoria Cross! Improving service families housing is required only there has been a pause in home improvements for years in many garrisons. Families are still moving into dirty married quarters with uncut and overgrown gardens. When the Government want to make a 1.2 billion pound saving over four years I cannot see too many improvements coming the service families way.

What about the poor man who worked for a large well known supermarket that was in his eighties and landed on Omaha Beach alongside the Americans on D.-Day during the Second World War. The Americans were being mowed down from the intense fire power from a German bunker. This Marine and his commander drove a tank to the point where the Germans were firing from and took out the bunker. He broke down regularly whilst at work thinking of his fallen comrades and unfortunately had to give in his notice. The supermarket hierarchy then informed him that he was not entitled to a discount card because he had not retired! The military covenant did not help this veteran did it? More recently Colchester council had the offer of a £6 million pound project to house war veterans and help them get back on their feet. The media stated that the project was ruined by Colchester council even though the money was readily available and the land was made available by a generous land owner. What a disgrace and utter contempt to those who have given so much for Colchester and this county. On a lighter note see below the Armed Forces veterans badge introduced in 2004 for all UK veterans. Active service is not a requirement. Phone: 0808 1914 2 18 to receive yours free of charge. The military covenant may be an ill-timed lack lustered brainwave designed to look and sound impressive, but this badge is a nice touch.

CHAPTER 12

CONCLUSION

In December 2008 my wife and I were returning home from Manchester to Colchester in my 4 x 4 land rover. The weather was cold with a light shower of snow falling on the motorway making driving conditions difficult. Due to the adverse weather conditions I decided to travel south on the M6 toll road as the traffic is normally very quiet compared to the main M6 route thus avoiding the dreaded congestion around Birmingham. I kept my speed down to a safe 50 mph in the slow lane when suddenly a car that was way ahead of me began to spin out of control in the center lane before finally coming to a halt. The vehicle and driver were now facing side on towards the oncoming traffic. Out of nowhere another vehicle quickly sped past me and slammed into the side of the car as the stricken driver looked on hopelessly. I managed to pull over onto the hard shoulder safely even though the speeding vehicles behind were smashing into each other. Once both vehicles that had collided came to a halt I told my wife to remain where she was as I did not want her to see anything horrific. I quickly leapt from my vehicle without thinking about the chaos behind me and ran towards the stricken vehicles. I was automatically prioritizing what was in front of me and noticed that the driver of the car that smashed into the static vehicle was ok so I headed towards the other vehicle. The car was surprisingly still upright and although it had been smashed with such force it remained side on only further back from the initial impact. The driver who was around 19-years old and female was still sat in the driver's seat but her body was limp and only supported by the seat belt. She had massive head trauma and was bleeding profusely from her eyes, ears, nose and mouth. The blood loss was horrendous and unstoppable filling the foot well of her vehicle. Her pulse was weak and getting weaker and she was un-commutative throughout. It was obvious that she was slipping away and due to the amount of blood loss there was nothing anyone could do. I had to control other morbid nosey drivers some slowing down and others on foot attempted to see what had happened so I told them to keep away as the sight alone of this young lady may have caused them severe trauma. Although concerned drivers did join me it was too late as she did succumb to her dreadful head injury. I placed a blanket over her body and once the emergency services arrived I returned to my wife who thankfully did not directly witness this young lady dying. The reason I am telling this story is to highlight that you can take the man out of the army, but you can't take the army out of the man. I hurried from my car without thinking of my personal safety and with only one thing on my mind, to get to the casualty and help her. Although experience told me she was not going to make it at lease I held her hand to the end. I acted like I was back on the battlefield and simply wanted to do my duty – because I cared.

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I would like to take this opportunity to thank you for reading my book. If you enjoyed it please take a moment to leave me a review.

Thanks

Tony Yarwood
CHAPTER 13

OTHER TITLES BY TONY (KID) YARWOOD

  1. The Butchers Bill a Stretcher Bearers Story

  2. A Student's Guide to the Falklands War

  3. PTSD Silent Heartache

  4. Think Safe

I am available to chat to anyone should you want to just let off steam or simply talk. Email me at: tony.yarwood@outlook.com

If I help simply donate a small amount to the Parachute Regiment Association
CHAPTER 14

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

I enlisted into the army in the late seventies and eventually began my training as an adult soldier at the Parachute Regiment Depot based at Browning Barracks Aldershot in Hampshire. Once my training was complete I joined 2 Para who were three quarters of the way through a two year tour of West Berlin in Germany. In the March of 1979 after Berlin 2 Para were then posted to Northern Ireland for a two-year residential operational tour of Ballykinler. The troubles at that time were rampant and South Armagh known as bandit country was a dangerous place to operate for British Forces. In 1982 2 Para we were due to complete a six-month operational tour of Belize in Central America when the Falkland Islands that had been in British hands since 1833 some eight thousand miles away was invaded and occupied by Argentine forces. The Belize tour was quickly cancelled and whilst on leave my older brother and I were un-expectantly recalled back to the battalion in Aldershot. During the voyage that would take in the freezing cold South Atlantic Ocean I sailed onboard the Europic Ferry a Townsend Thoresen vessel that contained vital ammunition and stores for the Task Force. My older brother and the remainder of the battalion sailed onboard the larger P&O ship NV Norland. Later as we neared the Falklands Islands I transferred over to the NV Norland to join the battalion just before they landed ashore. I was now part of a new platoon formed to take care of prisoners of war, evacuate casualties and re-supply ammunition to the forward troops. After the Falklands War the battalion carried out the operational Belize tour that had been previously cancelled. We assisted the Belize Defence Force in securing the border between Belize and Guatemala in 1983. I got married in 1984 to my lovely wife Susan and then decided rather naively and selfishly to leave the army in 1985. In 1987 I received a letter from 2 Para stating that they would like me to re-enlist. I won't say the reasons why to avoid embarrassing the MoD.

I served in various overseas posts with the battalion including Kenya, Denmark and America to name a few. Having completed some promotion courses I decided to go to 3 Para and joined the patrols close observation platoon (COP) as a lance corporal for a another two-year tour in Belfast. My younger brother was also part of this platoon having a very important role and I am proud to say we worked together on numerous occasions. I eventually got my promotion in the COP platoon to full corporal and patrol commander. Whilst in Aldershot with 3 Para I had no choice other than leaving the Para's due to circumstances out of my control and the pen pushers at the MoDs manning and records office. This was during their dubious 'options for change' in the early nineties when the Government decided to cut the army to the bone yet again. It made no sense as I was promotable fit and switched on. This made no difference to the number crunchers and I had to act fast so decided to transfer to the Military Corrective Training Centre (MCTC) in Colchester. This unique yet furtive unit was where I ended my military career.

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