-Welcome to "Late Night."
How's everybody doing tonight?
My parents are visiting me
right now, so I'm doing great,
even though I'm apparently
a little skinny
and I curse too much
and isn't it a little early for
a cocktail, Seth?
And, anyway,
let's get to the news.
During a press
conference yesterday,
President Trump claimed that
the 1918 Spanish flu
"probably ended World War II."
Are you kidding?
They were more than
two decades apart.
I know you don't think that's a
big difference, but it is.
It is.
That's right -- President Trump
claimed that the
1918 Spanish flu probably ended
World War II,
despite the two events happening
more than two decades apart.
Look, I get it. It's confusing.
We're in the year 2020,
and somehow,
the only band on tour right now
is Smash Mouth.
I mean, the years start coming,
and they don't stop coming.
President Trump said yesterday
that he plans to deliver
his speech accepting
the Republican nomination
from either The White House or
the battlefield of
Gettysburg, Pennsylvania.
Okay, do you really want
your speech
getting compared to
the Gettysburg Address?
It's like announcing
you're going to film
the next "American Pie" movie
on the same set as
"Citizen Kane."
According to a new report,
75% of Americans
can vote by mail in the upcoming
presidential election.
So good news.
The fate of
our democracy depends on people
remembering where
they put their stamps.
"Oh, no. Oh, no.
Oh, oh, no."
The head of the
Federal Elections Commission
said yesterday that there is
a "substantial chance
we won't know the results
on election night."
Oh, buddy.
I'm not even going to know my
own name on election night.
Russian President Vladimir Putin
announced today
that his country's healthcare
regulators have approved
the world's first
coronavirus vaccine,
despite the drug not
undergoing clinical trials.
Though it's definitely
not the first time
Putin has skipped the trial.
[ Russian accent ] Guilty.
Take him to roof.
[ Normal voice ]
Organizers of the upcoming
Democratic National Convention
announced today
that New York Congresswoman
Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez
will speak at next week's event
and that Nancy Pelosi
will take the stage to let us
know what she meant to say.
Organizers of the upcoming
Democratic National Convention
announced today that
former president Obama
and First Lady Michelle Obama
will headline
two nights of next week's event.
So the DNC will remind us
of happier days,
while the RNC will just remind
us about "Happy Days."
Amazon is reportedly
in negotiations
to use former JCPenney's
and Sears department stores
for fulfillment centers,
which is better than
their current use as "Tony hawk"
pro-skater levels.
According to the latest numbers,
Facebook C.E.O.
Mark Zuckerberg's net worth
has increased to
more than $100 billion.
[ Scoffs ]
$100 billion isn't cool.
You know what's cool?
I don't know.
Not Facebook.
That's for sure.
And, finally, a New Jersey man
was arrested yesterday
after throwing a pool party
earlier this month
for more than 400 people amid
the coronavirus pandemic.
That's right -- 400 people or,
as they're known in New Jersey,
cousins.
That is the monologue,
everybody.
