 
My Motive, My Book

By Del Nileppezs and Published by Houston C. Suit III

Distributed at Smashwords

2009 Del Nileppezs. All Rights Reserved.

Del Nileppezs is a fictional name derived from the publisher Houston C. Suit III

Smashwords Edition, License Notes

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ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

I would like to thank My Friend. Also, my deepest gratitude goes to (in no particular order): my family (mom, step-dad, sister, and their families); Randy (a clarity salesman), Kim and family; Murray, Melissa and family; Sheilah, Chynna, and family; Leanne and family; all municipal and volunteer fire departments (Billy, David, Kevin, and families); The America Red Cross and their families; Mr. and Mrs. E and the orchard tree and family; the staff at the coffee shop and their families; the people at work and their families; Robert, the postman and family; the staff at the little motel and their families; Jan, Karla (Mary Ann), Joe, Riley, Cason and family;

Houston C. Suit, III (I have a solution) and I.O.U. E.t.sc.SM.

Thanks to everyone. There are really too many names to mention, but thank you again.

Oh! Thanks to all the good tunes!

This is in memory of Houston C. Suit II, Chuck, Jack, Ted, Dwight, and many others.

MY MOTIVE, MY BOOK

TABLE OF CONTENTS

PART1

PART2

PART3

PART4

EPILOGUE

RELATEDMATERIALFROMTHEAUTHOR

ABOUTTHEAUTHOR

PART 1

FORWARD (A NOTE FROM ROXANNE)

PROLOGUE (PRO LOG)

PREFACE

HOPE I DIE BEFORE I GET OLD...

TIME MAY CHANGE ME...CHA CHA CHA CHANGES

THE CLARITY SALESMAN

SIMPLE MATH

DESPERADO...WHY DON'T YOU COME TO YOU SENSES?

A FIRST TIME FOR EVERYTHING

FIRE HYDRANTS IN SPACE?

A NEW ROOMMATE

THE COMING OF GOOD VIBRATIONS

IT'S NEVER TOO LATE

THE MOVIE OF THE YEAR?

IT'S ACTUALLY A HUGE DIFFERENCE

BLACK TIE OR NOT?

THERE'S EVEN A BONUS!

HHHHERE WE GO, DOMINO!

SHOW ME, DON'T TELL ME

GOOD, GOOD, GOOD...GOOD VIBRATIONS

IT'S NOT CHICKEN SOUP

YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'VE GOT...'TIL IT'S GONE

MORAL OF MY STORY

PART 2

ANOTHER NOTE FROM ROXANNE

FOR LIFE

I'VE FACED

ALLLL ABOARD!

THIRTY DAYS IN THE HOLE

ONE IN MY MOUTH

DO BELLY-BUTTONS HAVE TWO HOLES?

WHAT THE HELL IS BUNNY RABBIT HAIR???

LOOK AT WHO'S MOVING IN

YOU ARE SOOOO BEAUTIFUL...TO MEEEE

I CAN'T GET NO SATISFACTION

WE'RE BACK!

AN APPLICATION FOR A HEALTHY LIFESYLE

I.O.U. E.t.sc.SM

MY DEFINITION OF ACCEPTANCE (MY MOTIVE, 2 YOU)

I WANT TO PAY THIS ONE

F.M. (NO STATIC ALL...)

I'M A POET AND I KNOW IT

A PRETTY COOL DEFINITION

JUST GIVE PEACE A CHANCE...

IS THIS EASY TO UNDERSTAND?

IS THIS EASY TO UNDERSTAND 2?

IT'S A FAMILY AFFAIR...

TRAMPLED UNDERFOOT

WHOPPER JUNIOR

PART 3

THE THIRD NOTE FROM ROXANNE

FOR A LIFE

I'M FACING

DO YOU FEEL LIKE I DO?

TUFF ENOUGH

SECONDS UP!

OOH-OOOOH THAT SMELL... CAN YOU SMELL THAT SMELL?

ANY OBJECTIONS?

MY HAT'S OFF TO YOU!

YEAH, YEAH, YEAH...

THIS EXCELLENT TRIP IS CALLED TRUST

THERE WILL BE AN ANSWER...LET IT BE

SO BE IT

"QUACK-QUACK"

MATH 101

JIVE TALKIN'

THIS IS A NO NO...

AND THE "YES" THING IS GOING TO HAPPEN NOW

I'M ASKING BECAUSE I...NEXT TIME...

CLUTTER AND FLUSTERED = CLUSTERED

THAT WASN'T TOO LONG WAS IT?

JUST A THOUGHT...

R.E.S.P.E.C.T...I FOUND OUT WHAT IT MEANS TO ME

CRYIN' OVER SPILLED MILK

CHECK MATE

JUST ANOTHER THOUGHT...

PART 4

THE LAST NOTE FROM ROXANNE

FOR A NEW LIFE

I'M FACING A NEW LIFE

PRACTICE, PRACTICE, PRACTICE

I JUST CALLED TO SAY...

ANSWER: IT CAN LAST A LIFETIME

I WANT TO THANK YOU

RIDING ALONG IN MY AUTOMOBILE

LAST LAP HERE

IT'S A WINNING WORD (HERE'S THE TIP)

AHHHH...NOW THAT I'M REFRESHED

I WANT TO SHARE SOMETHING PERSONAL WITH YOU

NOW

____, A DANG GOOD IMPRESSION

IS "GOODEST" A WORD???

ALL YOU NEED IS ____,____,____ IS ALL YOU NEED

I'LL SAY IT WITH YOU

HMMMM...HERE'S A FAIR THOUGHT

A DEFINITION FOR UNHEALTHY LIFESTYLES

HOW SWEET IT IS...

EPILOGUE (EPI LOG)

ALONG FOR THE NEW LIFE I'M FACING

RELATED MATERIAL FROM THE AUTHOR

USE AND NEVER CEASE

TO THOSE IN DOUBT

TO A FRIEND

IT'S A BAD PLACE TO BE

TO MYSELF

I'VE SAID THAT ONE BEFORE

RELATE IF YOU CAN

A RYHME FOR NO REASON

FOR THE OTHER WHO SUFFERS

I BELIEVE YOU CAN DO IT

A RESPONSE TO A FRIEND

I JUST FIGURED I WOULD SHARE THIS

RELATIONSHIP

A DROP IN THE BUCK-ET

THE HOPEFUL ROMANTIC

A STEP TO REMEMBER

MY CARD

TO TAKE MEANS TO LISTEN

ASK HIM YOURSELF

USE AND NEVER CEASE (REMIX)

Dedicated to the city I live in

TOC

**MY MOTIVE**

FORWARD (A NOTE FROM ROXANNE) PART 1

I first met Del seven or eight years ago when he showed up at the Victorian style house that our company owns and uses for office space. He came looking for a small job to make a few dollars. He was talkative and I was intrigued. So before long, he had sat down and we were having a long chat but he remained somewhat guarded about his current situation. Thus began an interesting and often times, exasperating friendship.

It soon became clear that Del considered me his confidante. In the beginning, he had given me his birth certificate and some other important papers for safekeeping. To this day, he still has his own (ever expanding) file in my desk drawer.

Through the years, I've had to draw some very definite boundary lines with Del. If you gave him an inch, he'd take a mile. There were times when I had to tell him to leave the building and not come back. So he'd go away for a while but he always turned up again, eventually. It was very apparent to me that Del had a decent heart, but like many people, it came down to what was in it for him. So I took it all with a grain of salt.

I didn't pull any punches with Del. Sometimes his feelings were hurt but at least I gave him the respect of pulling him aside and quietly being honest with him because there was always something there that was endearing. He's very personable and friendly. I genuinely liked something about him and I guess this is why I never banished him forever. Maybe it was because I knew that I might be all that was connecting him to the real world and I didn't want to pull the plug on that.

I wondered what could be so painful about a person's life that he could just walk away. Granted, I didn't really know Del's complete story...I only had my hunches. But, how complicated was it?

Del continued to survive year after year, living on the edge in one of the roughest areas of our city. I've seen him seriously ill and in a good amount of pain. I've seen him skin and bones. I've seen him walking with a spring in his step, and the next day dragging his ass. I wondered how long he was going to last but I intentionally didn't allow myself to get so emotionally involved that I would be worrying about him every minute of my day. After all, living this way was his choice. And who was I to question his personal journey?

Back then, I usually saw Del once or twice a week. But, sometimes he'd disappear for a little while. I came to realize that while he knew everyone in our immediate area and even in surrounding zip codes, and they knew him, I was one of the few (if not the only one) who made him feel like maybe somebody cared about him. I was the one he checked in with.

One day, Del disappeared again. Weeks turned into months and I began to seriously worry. Finally, he called the office and left a message with my assistant saying, "Roxanne will know where I am." Um...okay. I assumed he'd been picked up and thrown in jail and I found out later that I was right. After being gone for several months, he looked clean and healthy. He had some extra weight on him and his eyes were clear and bright. I thought, here we go again! However, two days later, he showed up and said that he needed to talk to me. We went outside to the back porch and smoked cigarettes and talked. He told me that he wanted to change his life and he needed help. He said that he was afraid he would die if he went back to the same life. He was slightly emotional but it was the most emotional I had ever seen him. I told him that for the first time since I'd known him, he was talking honestly and with total clarity. It was amazing to see this person as he truly was meant to be...without the fog and the games. I explained that he now had some good momentum to use and build on...this would be perfect timing for him to start his life moving in a new and better direction. I talked about the power of holding a vision of who you want to be and believing that you are that person. I cautioned him that it would be difficult to stick with it, especially when things got tough. I knew that he might want to give up if he couldn't get things going soon enough for himself. So, we made a plan which included getting a job (and how he would make that happen), writing in a journal, eating right, getting rest, and finding a decent place to live. Del checked in with me every day, sometimes four or five times a day. I will admit that at the beginning, I fully expected him to go back to his old life. But, every time I saw him, he was still in his healthy mindset and determined to keep working the plan. Little by little, he changed his life. I rarely ever saw him become discouraged. I think he was so relieved and happy to be back in the land of the living that even a bad day in the real world was a good day to him! It was a total transformation!

We are now a good ways down the road. Del's journals have become the book that you now hold in your hands. I can vouch for the fact that he is being completely honest in his writing.

I agreed to "edit" and type his book. I've mainly made improvements on the spelling and grammar and given him advice on direction at times. The words, stories and ideas are strictly all his. He has an interesting and amusing way of looking at things as you will soon see.

I recently said to him, "You are really starting to get on my nerves about this book!" He said, "I'm getting on MY nerves." I had to laugh. There was a time when he would have been extremely hurt by what I said. He's come a long way in being able to pop back like that. He's really learned how to be a friend.

Del has gone through tremendous personal growth. He's examined his life and understands who he was and why, and who he wants to be today. He's working hard to maintain the life that he wants to lead. I, along with others, am extremely proud of him.

Roxanne Lee

December, 2008

PROLOGUE (PRO LOG) PART 1

The way I see it is just a little bit different, but I still see it. A prologue is a piece of writing, usually done to introduce a drama. It's a preliminary discourse (big word), or more simply put, a preparation for a discussion. This is what I was told and I read that too.

A friend of mine mentioned that the way I write and talk in this book could be described as creative non-fiction. With that being said, I asked her to further explain. Well, shit! It's my first book. She said that I use analogies, parables and wordplays to describe real-life situations. That was enough for me. You could say that I also use figures of speech. Regardless, I do them all I think, and in quite an interesting way. Let me explain a little, (you'll get used to it).

Here's your quick warm up course. Analogies are a likeness or show kinship. They relate, most of the time. It's the choice of the reader or the writer, really. There's a relation, kind of like cousins (not kissing cousins...well, maybe sometimes). And, a Parable is a story within a story. Yeah, it's just a perspective of how I look at things. Again, I do find it interesting myself, though still the choice of the reader or writer. Other than those, I do wordplays too. Really, I do. I think I do. Do you think I do? I think you do now. Do you think? What do you think? I do think you do...think, that is. Yes, I think you do. See? Anyway, analogies, parables, wordplays, figures of speech...I use them. In general, it's really how I write.

So where were we? Oh yes, the prologue, or Pro-log. A discussion to introduce a drama. (Oh! Hold on to that drama part for a second.) Anyway, when I look at the word Pro-log, it makes me think of...well, I think of a tree. A log was a tree. Right? Okay, now a tree makes me think of life...living, growing, and flourishing. But generally speaking, it makes me think of life. And "pro" means "for". Well, it does. So now we have "for life". (This is all leading somewhere.) You know, once I read or heard somewhere that a tree was once a nut...like a walnut, acorn, pecan, etc. Let's just say a nut since that should cover them all. A tree was once a nut that refused to move. This sounds right unless it was planted by hand, of course. But, not all trees were planted by hand. Stay with me on that nut not moving part, okay? If it was meant to be (that the nut wouldn't move), the tree was meant to grow, I would think. Life, or a human life, is meant to live for however long...to stand firm and flourish. Its time to be. Life, which I am for, is drama regardless of the kind. And like a play on stage, we're all merely participants. I'm a participant of life, which I am for. And yes, again, life is meant to be...I'm a life.

You know, recently I saw some kids playing in a big pile of leaves. Yes! They were having a blast diving into the pile and jumping around... full of life. The leaves were underneath a gigantic tree. An old, huge tree that is still growing from a nut that refused to move. That was pretty damn cool!

Moving right along, I've read a few books. Only a hundred or so and that's bragging. I mean books, not school books. Hell, you had to read school books! Those were learning books, you know? You had to read those (or at least some of them) to pass a class. You read the other kind of books to enjoy. I guess those could be learning books also. Anyway, this creative non-fiction was, by all means, a learning book for me. That's why I wrote it. But, back to pro-logs and back to life which I said earlier that I am for. You know, I see that life is born and then it's born again...and again and again, because birth happens every day. (By the way, Happy Birthday! If it's not your birthday today then call this an early gift. It's someone's birthday somewhere!)

Anyway, this book is an interesting way that I look at my life in dealing with life's issues...exposing or revealing things that are of utmost importance.

But back to right now! I'm still a little confused about the term "a quick read". Heads up! This is not remotely close to a quick read. If I could make any suggestions, and I will, I would suggest a slow read. A cigarette smoking, coffee sipping, toe-tapping, thinking, pondering, wondering, and all that other shit that makes you go hmmmm.....yeah, it's a slow read.

There should probably be a language label on this book which would read "Deal with It," because I cuss a little as you may have noticed, and occasionally, there will be a lot. I guess there's a time and place for all words. But you know, some of the words are really too fitting for the situation and sometimes it just happens. Shit! I try not to do it, like when you are speaking in front of an elderly person or a child, or really...in front of anyone. But shit happens and good shit happens too! I like the good shit! But yes, I cuss.

A second ago, I said something about exposing and revealing important things. I think about diversity. Remember that word, "diversity" as you read this book.

I also think about the risk and my motive for changing my life. Well, shit! My life depended on it. But I was risking what's inside of me, you know? This book in your hands is about me letting out the real shit that is going on inside of me. I'm trying to seek out good today in everything. Really, I am. By letting it all out, I'm free. It also seems like the events that have occurred in my life have made me think about how precious life can be. And, I've had quite a few dramatic events as you will soon see. And lots of good shit too! That's what I'm trying for. And now, the main event is starting so please continue with me. Round one, Ding! I'm standing in the ring, and in this corner, it's...ME.

PREFACE PART 1

First off, let me say many times, thank God, My Friend, that I was awakened. The one thing that I remember more than anything is the smoke. Damn!!!

A little more than 72 hours ago I was asleep. I've been working two jobs...five days a week at one and two days a week at any other side work I could find. I've been just really barely making it. I have a small savings account. Not much is a little of nothing but as they say, that's better than nothing. I had gotten off work and went to the house where I was staying. It wasn't my house but the owner had let me live there for many years. That was pretty nice of him to do, and it was all I had as far as a place to stay. I did say _had._

Anyway, I was asleep. I was worn out from working all day and I was plum tired. You know, up early...late to bed...working a lot...writing a lot...and just trying to do right, by doing things differently today. Trying to "come up" you could say. Make good things happen! So, I was crashed out.

But while I was asleep, someone set fire to my house. The owner of the house calls him a bum, given the neighborhood. But I call him a motherfucker! I was dead-ass asleep on the couch, and real close to that "dead" part. I looked up and it was a little hazy. Shit! I was still asleep. But there was a haze throughout the whole room like a thick mist. (Before we go any further, CHECK YOUR SMOKE DETECTORS! I didn't even have one.) Anyway, I stay on the top floor. It's a big historic two-story house that's probably a hundred years old or more. What happened only took a long minute with maybe some seconds thrown onto the end. So when I woke up and saw the smoke, I jumped up and went to the door and then outside to the stairs to see what the hell was up. I saw a glow at the rear of the house, so I ran down the stairs in my socks. I was freaking out a little bit, not knowing what was going on. I ran down to the yard and along the side of the house toward the glow. Well shit! Now I was really freaking out! It was a fucking FIRE! I froze for a split second and stared at it but I think my feet were already moving! I ran back up the stairs and into the house. I was thinking, _I need my pants and shoes._ I was wearing sweat pants. I guess I was also thinking about my wallet and yes, my shoes because I was in my socks. So I went back in. I didn't realize the magnitude of what was going on but I went back in to get my shit! I did! So I was at the couch and all of a sudden I realized that I couldn't see well at all. I felt around for my stuff because I knew it was beside the couch. I knew that my wallet was in my pants and my shoes were supposed to be right next to them. Damn, I couldn't see! I was feeling around and I couldn't find shit! It was weird! My eyes were starting to burn. I stood up and it was pitch black. The Smoke! I turned to leave and I couldn't see. I made my way to the door, somehow. And as I stepped out, I caught a glimpse of the rear of the house and it was fucking blazing! I froze and remembered this book. No shit, the book! I had been writing and journaling about myself and the changes that I have been making in my life. My book! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! It didn't look good at the moment but I turned and went back in as calmly as I could. Shit! No calm about it! I had to get the book and it was in the backpack and I knew where my backpack was. Yeah, it was beside the couch where my shoes and pants were supposed to be. The shoes and pants that I couldn't find earlier. By now, the smoke was thick. I ran to the couch and reached down and gripped the backpack, trying to feel for the shoes and pants with my other hand. Unsuccessful again, but now I had the backpack at least. I couldn't see, but I knew the house well...or so I thought. I ran for the door but it was a wall. Shit! I hit it twice before I realized that it was a wall. But I could feel a draft. _Yes, I remember leaving the front door open when I came back inside..._ I followed the draft and the feel of the wall, past one corner where the wall ends. Feeling the draft again I made it to the door, onto the stairs, and I was OUT!

Later, a fireman found my pants and one of my two pairs of shoes and gave them to me.

I've been back to the house three times since the fire. I went the next morning with a friend to get the rest of my clothes. (By the way, I found my other pair of shoes under the couch.) I went a day or so later with this same friend to meet with the American Red Cross emergency service (that's a damn good group of people). Then a week or so after the fire, I went with another friend and her son to see the house. I haven't been back since.

Man! The smoke stains! I can still smell that shit on my clothes, so it seems. Maybe it's just my memory that still smells so fresh. I washed all my clothes. I had to throw a lot of them away. The smell makes me sick! Like a fucking campfire, (but not a fun one) I assure you.

I have talked with numerous people and friends who all say pretty much the same thing: "It wasn't your time" and "Someone is damn sure looking out for you." A couple of people have also told me that you are not supposed to wake up from smoke.

Since the fire, I've made a list of serious events that have occurred in my life, so far. I've faced some pretty intense shit.

Once, I remember nearly drowning. It was about twenty-five years ago and I was river rafting in a tube with a lot of people. After a little while, I didn't even struggle. I was floating just under the water and looking up. A hand reached down and into the water. I saw the hand come at me, grab me, and pull me out. (PLEASE WEAR A LIFE VEST!)

Guns. I've lived in a pretty rough neighborhood for many years. I've had guns put directly to my head, face, or pointed at me. That should indicate that this has happened more than once. I also remember not giving a shit either. It's true! I think sometimes I didn't care. I've actually turned and walked away. (DO NOT TRY THIS AT...WELL, ANYWHERE!) No shit!

Hospitals. I had some pretty serious car accidents when I was younger. (PLEASE WEAR A SEAT BELT!) And motorcycle wrecks! I had one around the same time as that river rafting episode. Man, it messed me up real bad. (PLEASE WEAR A HELMET!) About six years ago I got frostbite while I was trying to make money by cleaning car windows. The hospital acted like they didn't want me, really. But, I had to go back because my hand was as big as a damn softball. They took me then! I guess they had to. About ten years ago I overdosed on drugs. I've actually done that many times, but this time I was in the ambulance looking up. I was kind of wondering what the hell was going on and then they told me. (DRUGS DON'T DO, SO DON'T DO DRUGS!) It has been my experience that they fucked up my life in the worst way.)

Off-road 4-wheel driving. Nine years ago...yeah, I lost complete control of my jeep in the mountains. It was a small mountain but I was speeding down it at a high rate of speed with some extremely big boulders in my path. (PLEASE HAVE KNOWLEDGE OF A 4-WHEEL DRIVE VEHICLE IF YOU'RE DRIVING ONE!) Miraculously, I came to a stop, completely unharmed although I was a little shaken and stirred. Another time, near these same mountains I was out of pocket in the dessert for two days. Well, I had three flat tires! It wasn't as damn frightening as careening down a mountain because I was stationary, or definitely sitting still on that one. So I finally drove my jeep to the road and got help. (Just a suggestion...it's helpful to have water with you!) I can think of a couple of times while off-road 4-wheeling that I came dangerously close to sliding off a cliff. A VERY HIGH CLIFF, that is. Well, shit! I've been hit by a car twice. I was just a toddler the first time. Yeah! I was told about it. A car ran over me when I was around three years old. I have no memory of this. (PLEASE LOOK BOTH WAYS BEFORE CROSSING THE STREET! YES, AND LOOK WHILE YOU ARE DRIVING TOO!) The second time I was hit it could have been very serious. It spooked the shit out of me and the driver too. I wasn't seriously injured and yeah, the driver took off.

I have been thinking about the loss of people in my life. You know, relatives that pass on. My dad was murdered. Yeah! That's pretty serious and it makes me think of guns again. I owned a gun—probably twenty years ago. I was playing with it by myself. Russian Roulette. It's not a casino game, I'm quite sure. And I'm glad I lost. Maybe I won, you know? Depends on how you look at it. Regardless, that's serious shit. (PLEASE! DO NOT PLAY THIS GAME AT HOME OR ANYWHERE!)

Jail. Yes, I've been there a bunch of times for little stuff, you know? Forget that! But still, jail is jail, and they're damn sure needed. I just don't need them anymore. Not for myself, anyway. I can respect that today. That's why I say, fuck that! Oh! I went to prison one time for possession. It was about twelve years ago. Fuck that shit! Fuck drugs! Again, they just don't do! That shit there altogether is no fucking good. Today, I say NO to drugs, alcohol, and jail. And I say YES to healthy things. (Real quickly...I think that prison can be a state of mind also, for whatever reason or situation. Yes, this shit can be serious!)

Girls, girls, girls. I've had relationships and some were serious. My fuck up played a part in them all. People say relationships are 50/50, but I believe that each person should give one hundred percent. But here's one that was very serious. I was in a relationship a long time ago with a woman who had a daughter that was nine or ten at the time. Before I met this woman, the little girl was molested by someone (the little girl's dad or someone...I don't know all the details but I knew enough). What a sick motherfucker! Who can think for one damn second that something like this is not a serious crime? Anyone, I repeat, anyone who doesn't think so, well hell! Something is seriously wrong with them too. You look at a child and tell me anything different. Children are children! No fucking excuses! This affected my life in a huge way, seeing the pain and anger that the girl's mother was going through and what the child was going through as well. I tried my best to be a father figure, for whatever it was worth, in the child's recovery and the mother's coping. And, I have a message for the sick fucks: I.O.U. E.t.sc.SM (It's. Over. Understand. Even. The. Score.SM) Prevention. I've drawn the line and I won't move. If push comes to shove, I'm pushing and shoving. Believe me, I'm here to help.

Earthquake. Oh, I remember waking up once and seeing the fish tank beside my bed with water sloshing everywhere. The room felt like it was a boat. It was weird as shit! This was just a small earthquake but it could have been serious.

Fights. I'm not big on fighting, but one time I got jumped. Shit! It really took me by surprise. It wasn't cool the way it all started. There were at least eight or ten guys. Well, that was serious! Yeah, but I came out okay.

Debt. Well, I'm real sure about debt. I put myself mostly into that one. I'm talking some serious debt...mentally, physically, emotionally, financially, and spiritually.

Storms. I don't know how old I was because I go by height. I'd say I was about four feet tall...I was a little kid. I was visiting family in Florida. Yeah, I was riding my bike and all of a sudden, one of those real high winds and other shit mixed with water came up (you can't control mother nature, you can only be affected by it...now that I think about it...you _can_ affect mother nature...this is obvious. So give a hoot and don't pollute!). Anyway, I started back toward the house against the wind. The wind was so strong that I couldn't ride my bike, so I eventually had to drop it. I was getting close and I could see my uncle at the door, waving and screaming, "HURRY! HURRY"! Suddenly, the wind picked me up and carried me backwards into this little metal shed of some sort. My uncle came out and scooped me up with one arm and that was it.

Nightmares. Around that same height, maybe I was three to six inches taller, but I was still a little boy, I used to have some terrible nightmares. I really don't know what the heck they were because I was only four foot three inches tall. But they were some intense sons of bitches! (PLEASE TALK TO YOUR KIDS!)

One last thing that comes to mind is that I'm a father. Well, shit! I have a son but I've never met him. (Oh! IF YOU DON'T PLAN TO HAVE KIDS, USE CONTRACEPTION or don't fuck! It takes two to make a kid.) I know my son's birthday and that's it. I screwed up my opportunity of being a father. Yeah, I didn't do my part. I only knew my dad a little bit, so I basically grew up without a father. I had one of those Big Brother guys for many years. Thumbs up to those guys all the way! My mom was single until I was about twelve, I think. I guess I was the man of the house you could say. Then I got a step dad. The dude loved my mom, this I know. Through all of my teenage bullshit he was at the table. Whether it was eating, talking, good times, bad times, you know I've had my share. He was there. I really do admire that. I guess all family structures are different. But I'm talking about me and mine, and he had her back. He stepped up and did what he was supposed to do. Like I said, I didn't even try to be a father. Well, I went to court when my son was an infant and we talked about some sort of custody (she didn't want that) and child support payments (so I wasn't going to pay that). I've never attempted anything since.

Now, where were we? Oh! The preface. So a preface covers how a book came into being. Roll with me on this. I've come face to face with some pretty serious shit! Some of the things or situations that I have faced were because I put myself into them. And some I've walked into unintentionally by not knowing. Some, I never had control over...like decisions that other people made. I've been hungry, cold, hot, thirsty, and desperate in one form or fashion. No need for details here. Ask me and I'll tell you about it. Hold up! You know what? There is something I would like to tell you about it. Wait on the questions or comments for now, the opportunity will come...

So...facing shit. Yeah! I'm stepping out (no, I'm not gay) with the pages that you're going to read. That fire shit is still fresh in my mind. Yeah, it still fucks with me sometimes. Well, if I am supposed to be here, I'm going to tell you why and what I've faced recently. It's called progress. It's part of life and growing and learning.

I think about all the stuff I've just told you and I also think about success. Being afraid of it and what it can do. Yes, being afraid of success. You heard right, and I'll claim this one a hundred percent. Well, shit! I now know that I made a big mistake. Hear me out. If I've always been kind of afraid of success and I've made the mistake of stopping it (my own success). Now that I realize it, I no longer have to be afraid of it. Catch that? Yeah, I'm not too proud to say, that's the best mistake I ever made. What you're going to read is how and why all of this took place. Oh, I believe I hear something playing...

HOPE I DIE BEFORE I GET OLD...

This one line came from a song, "My Generation", by a band called The Who. Damn good song, it was. Man the stuff those guys could play. "Good shit" we called it. Well, this particular line seemed to always hang around, though. It was cool! Yeah, cool! And it stuck. Maybe you've heard the song before. It still sounds great today, and it's still a damn good song, really...humming and singing and carrying on...the "in" thing...knowing every line. It's what was happening. It was COOOOOL! A classic for not just my generation but carried _into_ my generation. Yeah, it stood the test of time and still does today.

Well, shit. Let's stop for a minute and think about this. This simple phrase, or line, or verse...a figure of speech...was a matter of fact or, better put, a fact of reality in my life. Over time, this phrase lost its cool melody, its great bass, pounding drums, and sensational guitar riffs. It was all lost to silence. It became a phrase with nothing else around it because everything had fallen off. Sadly, I would soon act upon this phrase. I believe I actually meant it. This would show through my lifestyle because, I was literally in an act of slowly dying. Very, very slowly. Sadly and slowly. "Oh, hey look! It's Sadly and Slowly!" How cute. Strolling hand in hand. Yeah, pretty picture, isn't it? What a couple. I can only imagine what their kid would look like, and I did. He looked like me. Today though, I am only growing old, you could say. But more important, I'm here to say it! And say it happily, I might add. Slowly still (for I am growing old). Happily and slowly. A much nicer couple to see. And by the way, a great kid.

TIME MAY CHANGE ME...CHA CHA CHA CHANGES

A courage to change. That's strong language but, shall we? Courage. Yeah, I lacked a lot of it. My tank was empty of this high grade fuel. Scared of change. Scared to change. I was afraid...a pussy, a chicken shit, a wimp, a scaredy cat (is "scaredy" a word?) Call it what you want because the shoe did fit all too well. The mental and physical practices to live this lifestyle were hard chores. Workouts in the lifestyle gym. I exercised myself and others around me every day in the lifestyle gym. Let me emphasize to you that this lifestyle, or the way I lived, was unhealthy in every respect of the word. And, of course, I was gaining none...respect that is. Non-negotiable rules that I gladly followed. Mentally and physically, I was decaying and falling apart. These two parts of me were being erased, but I was left in the middle. Crazy as it may seem, I was taking this fading approach to life without any change over time.

THE CLARITY SALESMAN

Some time ago, I found a courage to change. It's a choice, and I chose to make that choice. I finally gave myself permission for this change to occur. I also had a very small inkling, a flicker (are "inkling" and "flicker" words?) of clarity. Damn good word there, "clarity". Yes, clarity was knocking on my door. Here he comes, The Clarity Salesman, going door to door and today I was home. He's probably been by before. In fact, I'm sure he has, probably thinking to himself, "Shit, I wish this guy would answer." KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK. And on this day I did. Good timing, (it always is with these salesman types). I guess this day was my big day.

"Hello sir, I was just in the neighborhood (yeah, right) and thought you might be interested in some clarity...we have a great special today sir...would you like to buy some? Before you decide sir, maybe you would like a free sample." (Pushy, pushy, these guys always are.) FREE? Hell Yes! I love free stuff! Give me one! (And being me, I'm always wanting more.) Can I have two? It's free! Free is free, right? (Greedy me, I've always been.) As usual, there's always that nagging line, "One free sample per customer sir." (That's bullshit...they always have more.) But, he stood his ground, not budging (is "budging" a word?). So, I took the one sample of clarity, his business card (irritated by this, I was), and slammed the door.

The thing about samples is that they are just that. Samples. Small, bite-size, trial-size. Try it before you buy it, so to speak, and I did. I smelt it (is "smelt" a word?), licked it, and looked at it. It seemed harmless enough. So I tossed it in and chewed. Probably in the past, actually I'm quite sure of it, these bite-sized free samples of clarity were tossed away or forgotten about shortly after I tried them without ever looking back. But on this day, this shit was good! I picked up the phone to call the number on the card. You've heard it before, "Don't delay! Operators are standing by! Call now." So I did. I was thinking ( _these guys never answer the phone_ ). I will probably just get a machine, but not this time.

"Moment of Clarity Incorporated...how can I help you?" It was such a pleasant voice. I told them that I only had a few dollars and little sense. I was amazed! It was zero down! My credit was approved! A first time buyer's plan! Isn't this something?! Where do I sign? Overnight delivery. Free shipping and handling. It was my first investment.

Today, happily and slowly (for I am growing old) I order these bite-sized treats. I am a regular customer and I pay my bill.

SIMPLE MATH

Simple math is simple, I've heard. Not always. Not for me, anyway. For me, my life had been this: 2+2=3. Mathematically this equation is wrong. But in my life, I thought this was right. Actually, I thought I was always right (yeah right). My answer was 3. Me = 3. This would seem easy enough to correct, right? Wrong. As I said, I was always right. However, after a quick snack, my conclusion was that I had been wrong all along! Shit! (A bite-sized snack of clarity goes a long way and they do work fast! Yeah, they're kind of like Lay's potato chips...you can't eat just one. They're Grrrreat! Oops. Different food. You get my point? Right? Alright!)

To correct something you must change it in some form or fashion. Reevaluate it. Look at it again. Add, subtract, multiply, or divide to eventually get a sane, logical, rational and/or practical answer. (Nice words, these little guys are!) "Hello, I'm Sane and these are my friends, Logical, Rational, and Practical." Yeah, I met them in the breakroom one day recently while having a quick bite-sized snack (these things are really good). Oh, by the way, I party with these guys all the time now.

DESPERADO...WHY DON'T YOU COME TO YOUR SENSES?

Let's see...where were we? Oh, I remember. (Did I just say that I remembered? Great!) Me = 3. My actions and outlook were 3. This had always been my answer to the equation. Yeah, these clarity snacks and my four new friends, Sane, Logical, Rational, and Practical, made me realize that I had to change my math. I had to change my life. I had to add, subtract, multiply, or divide to get a reasonable answer of 4 (Oh, Reasonable is another new friend of mine). I had to learn. I had to (come to my senses). I had to go back to school. The "had to" thing was catching on. The correct answer is 4, and as easy as that sounds, it was not. At times, it still isn't. I'm learning. (Did I say that I'm learning? Good!) I'm learning to change. The number 3 still appears at times. I have to stop instead of continuing along, and look at the equation again. Me, being the equation. These numbers in my life, 2+2=3, had to change. I just could not add 2+2. Such simple math, I am learning. Simple math is not always simple, I've heard.

I know people now who are real good with numbers. I listen to them and they teach me how to add, subtract, multiply and divide the equation of my life. Me, being the equation, as I said. An easy equation, I am not.

I'm learning to change. A courage to change. (Why did the chicken cross the road? Because maybe he got tired of being a chicken shit.) I fill my tank daily now, always watching my gauge so as not to let it get low.

Those guys that I party with all the time now...Sane, Logical, Rational, and Practical? Oh, and I must not forget Reasonable, the newest member of our gang. These guys tell me that my answer is 4. Guess what? It is! Me = 4. I like this new kind of arithmetic. It's new for me, anyway.

So, today, happily and slowly (for I am growing old), I pack my lunchbox with a simple sandwich, chips, a piece of fruit (I like fruit) and a pack of bite-sized snacks of clarity for my breaks that I really enjoy. I top off my tank before going to school to learn about simple math. Such a simple math, I've heard.

A FIRST TIME FOR EVERYTHING

I want to tell you about an apology that I made the other day for the first time ever. (To myself, that is.) No shit! It felt a little weird, sort of (is "felt" a word? It may be). It's kind of difficult to explain but I'll try. The one thing I'm quite sure of, other than it felt weird, is that it was certainly different. Another odd thing (odd, in a good way) about it is that I meant it. I really and truly meant it. Just a simple, "I'm sorry." No balloons or flowers. No marching band, not even a parade. No cheers or whistles...none of that shit. Just me, myself, and I. I said, "I'm sorry" to myself and that was it. I may have mumbled ("mumbled" is a word, I think) a few other things or something like, "I can't believe I've done this." Meaning, the things that I have done to myself for so long. I may seem a little vague in telling you about this so please bear with me.

Like I said, I meant it. Maybe this is why it felt so weird and different. Was it because I was sincere? Yes, that's it! It was sincere. Now that there is a damn good word. Sincere. No need for definition; self-explanatory on that one. You wanna ("wanna" is for sure not a word) know something? I didn't even cry when I apologized to myself. That came later. I don't think that crying is a requirement during an apology. To be honest, I haven't cried in several, if not many, years. I really haven't. I know that sounds crazy as shit. As a matter of fact, I found myself more emotional while telling a friend (one of those people I asked to help teach me about math) about this small event and some other things that were recently occurring inside of me. Not really crying but just a little water around the eyes. Like I said earlier, it's all new math to me...just like crying for real reasons.

FIRE HYDRANTS IN SPACE?

Real quickly (yeah, right...happily and slowly maybe, for I am growing old), before we continue, did you know that the fire department color-codes the caps on fire hydrants? I didn't do any official research. I just saw some guy painting the caps one day. I'm sure they have important reasons for doing this. (AND THEY DO.) Anyway, he said all of the hydrants are still the original and universal (no hydrants in space) color of red, and the caps are not always that color. The color of the cap depends on the location of the hydrant. Now this color, or color code (shhhh...top secret) indicates the amount of pressure and/or water that is released when the hydrant is turned on. Location, location, location, you've heard it before. Now, my fire hydrant did work for its intended purpose during the fire that I described in the preface of this book. But before that incident a most simple question (that's why I started thinking about it) comes to mind: Does Joe Blow or Jane Blow (I don't want to discriminate) down the street, up the street, around the corner or block (my theory on blocks is coming right up) have better pressure or better water (or both) than I do? It makes you go, hmmmm... It makes you wonder, or at least it did me (this was during free brain time). Another question: how important is the hydrant where I live, work, walk, drive, etc.? And to be more precise, how important is the hydrant at my house, (we'll include YOU now) your house, building, camper, tent or box? Well, it's mighty damned important! It especially better be if I'm there (greedy me, again). Now, I'm not as dumb has a big block. Not now anyway. I have been though, so maybe I am as dumb as a very small square or even a cube. That's it! I'm a cube. (Here comes the rest.) And finally, after considering all the factors involved, me being the key factor here (it is MY free brain time). I have one final question (the ending has arrived). I ask myself, and you can too if you are not too busy looking out your window at your very important fire hydrant. The question, simply put, is this: isn't a fire a fire? Not to be a smart ass here but, hey! A fire is a fire! Put the mother out! Give me all the pressure and water I can get! Well, guess what? The firemen did put out the fire. The fire hydrant had all the water and pressure that it needed. But I found out damn near the hard way because of the MOTHERFUCKER that set the house on fire! Fire is a high priority! And, personally speaking, my shit is high priority, buddy. So back the hell up and wait your turn. I hope you never have to go through it just because someone didn't give a fuck and thought it would be jolly to set a house on fire! Regardless of how run down it may look or appear! YOU CANNOT DO SHIT LIKE THAT! ( _Bitch, what is your fucking problem, who ever you are?!_ )

A NEW ROOMMATE

A conscious. Now there's another damn good word. Yeah, a conscious. In the past, I had little, if any. In its simplest form, I believe a conscious is where good overrides bad. It should. It means this to me. To do the right thing. How about that? I'm not talking about being a Mr. Goody Two-Shoes. I'm just saying that I'm trying to do the right damn thing today. It's a start, right? And it started inside me. Apologizing to myself is part of having a conscious. I live with mine today. ( _I guess some people don't at all!_ ) Mine is here to stay, by the way. Yeah, now we share the same room, 24/7.

Oddly enough, prior to my house catching fire, I had recently put out another kind of fire. An inner fire. I was on fire from all of the pain that was inside of me and the only way I was going to be able to put it out was by apologizing. Yeah. Believe me, that son-of-a-bitch was blazing. Smoke was everywhere, poppin' and crackin' (is "crackin" a word?). Sparks and shit were flying all over the place. It was a regular weenie roast. I needed all the pressure and water I could get and that came in the form of an apology to myself. So afterward, my life was in smoldering ruins. I picked through the rubble ("rubble" kind of looks like a word) and started rebuilding. Shit! What a mess! But, I put out the fire. Yeah, it was a hot son-of-a-bitch, I'm telling you. It hurt. I hurt. Does that make any sense?

By apologizing to myself, I realized that I am someone who matters. I had deprived myself of being good to me. Yes, I had treated myself badly for a long time. Hold it! A very, very long time. I hurt myself, inside and out. Both are equal in the worse ways. Well, shit! Good is due, and a lot of it. So, with my new roommate in hand (My Conscious), I make good on this apology that I made to myself. I back it up. I must. I have to be good to myself. I try to do the right damn thing today, starting with me. I'm learning.

THE COMING OF GOOD VIBRATIONS

Real quickly (I know, I know, but this one is quick), this being good to myself has a ripple effect in both directions. Yeah, a friend of mine who I know very well calls it metaphysics (positive and negative energy). Well, shit! It's a different kind of strange-ass math but she's right on cue with this one. She's right! The Ripple Effect Syndrome I call it now. More to come on this ripple effect thing.

IT'S NEVER TOO LATE

Better late than never, they say. Let me assure you that I was late, but I apologized. I was also sincere and I meant it when I put out that inner fire.

So to make good on this apology, I'm rebuilding. I needed help. My Friend and my friends who are teaching me about simple math are on site. They are helping me to rebuild because I asked them to help me help myself, so to speak. I saw how they lived. So, with blueprints in hand, I'm bringing in good materials and healthy things by the truckload. Some are used and some are even re-used. Hell, there's nothing wrong with recycling or going green, if you want to call it that.

The crying came later, as I said. I believe it comes with forgiveness. Well, shit! I really do. It came when I apologized to myself. It came with My Conscious, (My Friend). Yeah, he was coming along and riding shotgun! My first real cry was not a sobbing, sloppy affair. No boo-hooing and all that other shit. It was just a good old-fashioned cry. By all means, it was sincere and I meant it. And it was damn sure due. Also, if the truth be known, I liked it, seein's how I'm laying all my cards on the table ("seeins" shouldn't be a word).

So I'm learning while I'm rebuilding my life. Yeah, rebuilding myself. I'm making good on it. Today, I wake up with My Conscious. My roommate. He's a bitch sometimes, especially in the mornings, but he means well.

I'm trying to build a good life. Not perfect by any means, but a good one. I've seen how to live a healthy life. So, I add some bricks over here and some wood over there and of course some good, fresh dirt (I like playing in dirt for some free fun while I'm rebuilding). Today, happily and slowly (for I am growing old), with hammer in hand, I am learning to build a good life—a good me!

THE MOVIE OF THE YEAR?

For me, making an apology was always difficult. I avoided it if possible. If I had actually gotten the balls up (no discrimination intended) to make one, I dressed it up. I planned it all out, getting ready to play my part for the stage. In the past, more times than not, my apology was an act. I can see it now: "THE APOLOGY"—movie of the year! It has a nice ring to it doesn't it? Yeah, but it got bad reviews (because I couldn't back it up). I can just imagine the long lines for this sold out show. All these people with tickets in hand. Some have never seen this one-man (rehearsed) show before. But many others have already viewed this wonderfully self-directed performance more than once and they were outside, trying unsuccessfully to scalp their tickets. Hell, they couldn't even give them away! They became so aggravated that they tossed them into the nearest gutter or trash can, not wanting to see this one man show again, (AT ALL). What is for certain and holds true is that they are all due an apology. Some of these apologies will never be able to be made. I believe that's a given. I hope that in these certain circumstances, maybe my actions and outlook (Me = 4 today) can suffice. If possible, I will apologize and I should. It's the right thing to do.

I still have a lot of fires to put out by apologizing and facing up to the mistakes I made. The wrongs that I have done. The betrayal of family, friends, acquaintances, loved ones. It's a big ass list for sure.

I remember recently talking to the owner of the house that burned. I was sorry (for him) that it had happened, but like he said, there's nothing that we can do about it now. But, it affected him in some way. I felt that. Shit, it affected many people—my friends, the community, neighbors, businesses. Damn, the firemen could have been hurt! And yes, I could have died! While I'm on subject, I had a few people in my neighborhood tell me that they thought I died in that fire. That is some eerie ass shit to be told by someone! ( _Did you know that I was in the house bitch?...whoever you are!_ )

IT'S ACTUALLY A HUGE DIFFERENCE

I apologized to someone recently that I knew and happened to see while walking. He had pulled into a small convenience store to do something that I guess was convenient for him to do at the time. Our past encounter that required this unplanned (and unrehearsed) apology is not the issue, so we'll bypass that part. The thing that I am trying to get across to you is that I wanted to make this apology. Remember, today I can, and I should. That's a big difference compared to how it's been in the past.

As he exited the store and walked toward his vehicle, I approached him. I said, "Hello," and called him by name. When he turned around, I reached to shake his hand and said these exact words, "I would like to apologize." You know, being sorry for an event that takes place that I have no control over, or something that happens because of other people's decisions, is a lot different than something I caused personally.

Anyway, while looking at each other eye to eye, his only response was, "okay." Upon releasing our grips we went our separate ways and that was it. I personally believe that his response was his way of forgiving me.

BLACK TIE OR NOT?

I was reading an article in the newspaper the other day that briefly mentioned a formal apology that was to be made before a large group of people. I snickered (is "snickered" a word? I know they're good to eat!), then chuckled, and eventually laughed out loud. That's it! Get 'em all together and get it over with all at once. What a great concept of an unoriginal idea! I hope that this person's formal apology was well intended. I'm sure it was, but I wasn't invited so I didn't get a ticket.

Formal or informal, what the hell? Good concept or bad, either way, it works for me. Fancy or not, fuck it! I just do it! An apology is an apology. (Simple and Standard.) Just like a fire, put it out! Yes! No more stage rehearsals and all that other bullshit. Believe me, it can get deep.

THERE'S EVEN A BONUS!

I found that in giving an apology to this individual (at the convenience store) I had humbled myself. Now that is a damn excellent word. Humble. It even sounds nice, doesn't it? Humble, humble, humble, humble. No shit! I had humbled myself. Remember when I was saying earlier that I wanted to apologize to him? I meant that. And when I did apologize it was sincere. Just like when I apologized to myself. Man! I like that word, humble. That shit does go a long way. I'm learning! I borrowed a dictionary briefly from a friend so that I could look up this word. I will buy one some day. Yeah, I need to but I keep forgetting, for I am growing old. (If I repeat myself, well shit, I am growing old. Forgetting and Repeating...I think they are dating each other.) But being humble is a big difference for me, and here's the clincher (I'm not sure if "clincher" is a word): I like it! So that makes it a big difference.

Anyway, here's the definition of humble: "Belonging or common to people; to be regular or average; not above or below; not making excessive claims to one's self." To me, this means just keeping it simple and standard.

After discussing this word with my friend, I concluded, that I would swallow my ego and pride and just keep it real. You can still have pride in yourself and some ego to go along with it. It's all the overflowing extra shit that I put away. This was a big difference for me. Humble, humble, humble. Here's something that the dictionary did NOT say, so it's a bonus: this can be applied for a healthy, productive lifestyle and it feels good. This should definitely be added to the dictionary. Well, shit! It should.

I'll try to expand on that bonus part a little bit. For me to humble myself, it comes better from inside of myself than if I was to think it. Do you understand? If I say something and I'm sincere about it, I can feel that. Humble is in there somewhere. It rides the same bus as Sincere, I assure you. Sincere and Humble are like breath mints or having a Tic-Tac. They are! Yeah! I keep 'em in my pocket and pop one in before I open my big ass mouth to start talking. They do come in real handy. I try my best to do this, I really do.

HHHHERE WE GO, DOMINO!

Speaking of buses, I must tell you about a most unenjoyable experience that happened the other day while riding on the city bus. This is a good one! Really, it is! First off, I would say that there were at least fourteen people riding to their respective destinations on this bus. Everyone was doing their own little bus thing that people do. My thing that day was gazing out the window. Anyway, someone let one slip. They farted. No ifs, ands, or butts about it. It was silent butt deadly. A poot, squealer, pop-off...or whatever your nickname for it is called. It was there for a brief visit, having a domino effect (just a quick hi and bye), traveling from one thru fourteen. So here it comes...first you have the mumbling that happens. Then, everyone is starting to turn their heads like they're looking for someone who just called their name. Shirts are going up over noses and hands are covering mouths. We all look like we just bit into one bad ass sour lemon. Not all at the same time, mind you. Remember, we're playing dominoes. Following shortly behind all of this is the look. (You know the one I'm talking about.) That "what the hell are you looking at me for...I didn't do it" look. Fourteen people all looking at each other. Well, shit! Who let on this traveler of buses, elevators, jail cells, small rooms, and confined spaces? It wasn't me! Really, it wasn't. Of course, no one stands up (you can smell this one coming) and says, "Pardon me, everyone...I know it was a rough one, really it was...but it was me...I'm the one...and I would like to apologize," and then quietly sits back down to continue the ride. That would be too much! No shit! That would be just too damn real, wouldn't it? I'm not sure if I could do that. I really don't know. I know in the past, when that little guy came out of my backdoor without saying a word I always kept my mouth shut. You know, play it off like it never happened, or get your look going first so that blame can be placed elsewhere. That's really a hard one to call. Today, I would try not to put myself there. Try to hold it if I could. Now that would really be a humbling experience, wouldn't it? Shit! Apologizing for farting on the bus!

SHOW ME, DON'T TELL ME

Actions speak louder than words, I have been told. Making good on the apology for me is the follow-up. I'm following up on the apology I made to myself and others by backing it up. Hey, you ever get the feeling that someone doesn't want to hear a damn word from you? I have, especially when I've really pissed someone off. "Show me, don't tell me," the saying goes. It takes a little time I believe, to do that...for me anyway. But, I am trying to do that, starting with my actions, outlook, and lifestyle. It again comes down to a choice for me. Today, it's a healthy pattern and I like it. I'm committed to it.

Being good and trying to do the right damn thing can be seen, especially by the people who know me. I'm absolutely still pissed off at the person who set the house on fire. I know other people who are pissed off too, because what happened is fucked up! But mainly, my friends can see the healthy patterns that are taking place in my life. They can see the progress because they know what I used to be like. They knew from the beginning when I started to change. Most of them did, anyway, because of the way that I was hurting myself in the past. Some even called me on it. Well, shit! I didn't listen or wouldn't listen. Stubborn would be putting it lightly, really. I believe the way that I was hurting myself at times also hurt the people around me even more. I guess you could say that I didn't give a fuck about myself. This goes back to the Ripple Effect Syndrome and the bad vibes. You catching on? It wasn't just the mistakes and wrongs and all the other bullshit that added up. The really bad part of it was the inside hurt. You know what I mean? It cuts extremely deep. It can scar and it does.

Most of them know why I was a fuck up. If others want to know, I will simply be as truthful as I can be, without the movie show. They deserve this.

There will come a time when a simple "I'm sorry," or "I want to apologize," is due. Being good and trying to do the right damn thing today is my motive. Really. My only motive. Some days are definitely better than others but I have a commitment, so I stick with it. Shit! It was a busy day in math class. I'm learning. I'm tired. But I'm tired for the right reasons.

GOOD, GOOD, GOOD...GOOD VIBRATIONS

A couple of days after I made my apology to the individual at the convenience store, I saw him again. He waived and said, "hi". It kind of threw me off a little. No shit! It really did. But then I smiled and waved back. It felt GOOD. And check this out. A day or so later, I saw him again and he threw a little extra thing in with his wave and "hi". He called me by name. Well shit! To me, calling someone by name signifies that they are a person. A real individual. Imagine that! Little ol' me becoming a real person. I'll try not to take that too far, but it was a good feeling. You know, what he did may be within the realm of the Ripple Effect Syndrome. Maybe...just maybe, but I believe it is. Yes, it is!

There's one little thing (actually, it's a pretty big thing) I must add to the discussion of trying to be a good person by just doing the right damn thing for myself and others, and that is that I'm trying to be good and just do the right damn thing when no one is looking. Hmmmmm... Yeah! During that alone time that I have around people, known or not, or when I'm by myself. I think you know what I mean. I'm not perfect by any means nor am I trying to be. (Good is alright today.) I don't know (yes I really do) what it is with my new roommate (My Conscious), but he's always sitting on that damn couch. And when something starts happening, he starts a-squirming (is "squirming" a word?) around on that son-of-a-bitch and it bugs the shit out of me. He's noisy. No shit. I've talked with him about it before, but he usually wins out. Damn! Alone time. Yeah! When no one's looking. Well, shit! You get the point I'm trying to make? A conscious!

Today though, happily and slowly (for I am growing old) I can apologize, mean it, and back it up. I'm learning that I'm a good person because I am trying to do the right damn thing today, I truly am. And, you know something? I do feel a lot of good progress has been made with myself.

IT'S NOT CHICKEN SOUP

I just had dinner. Yeah, some soup mixed with beans and of course some crackers to go with it and a few oranges. I cut them up and put them in a bowl. Honestly, I didn't really feel like cooking tonight, so I just threw some things together, (if you call that cooking). You know, eat, sleep, keep working and writing. I'm pressing to get this part of the book out. I need to finish up and really get some closure and balance so that I can get back to working on the next part, which is already done, for the most part (excluding some rewrite). But this one sets the foundation for everything else to run its course.

I told a couple of friends yesterday about something in relation to this soup I had for dinner. It's an odd thing. Shit, now I know damn good and well that the can I had in my hand did not say "Alphabet Soup". I looked at it two or three times and nowhere did it say that. But do you know what I poured out of the can? Fiddlin' alphabets! _What the hell is this? Maybe a screw up at the factory?_ Who knows? So anyway, I heated it up, put in the beans, cut my oranges up, got my crackers and a couple of bottles of water and sat down to eat. I have a dear friend who bothers the shit out of me about that. Eating, that is. But I also know why. Yeah, it keeps me in check. Actually, a number of my friends do that. I have food, but I'm running hard with two jobs (and writing). One of my sides job just ended, really. So I'm back again, trying to find other work to replace it. A friend who has a business of their own was one of those jobs, and it's been something that by all means helped. Damn, I appreciate that. But, as I said, I'm running hard...and for the right reasons.

Oh, I did eat all of my dinner plus a big bowl of cereal. Yummy! Anyway, this soup...I'll say it was odd. And damn sure odd in a good way (does that sound familiar?). Wait until you hear this one! So I'm sitting at my little table, really kind of playing with the soup, looking at the letters that are floating around. Shit! It wasn't supposed to be alphabet soup, anyway. So, I get to looking at the letters and I start pulling some of them out. I didn't really look at what I was pulling out but I counted fifteen letters. I ate one. It looked like a smiley face without eyes, so I ate it. I couldn't read it anyway (it did make me smile, so maybe I did read it). But I laid out the letters and it spelled something that goes exactly with what I told a few friends about where the first copy of part 1 of this book is going.

Now I'm telling you, a lot of things have happened since I started writing this book. One or two friends know quite a bit about what I'm talking about. It's all good, so I'm going to tell you exactly what I spelled with these letters and then we'll move on. This will blow your mind! I laid the letters on a little plate in front of me and I'm telling you that I was not expecting this. The letters said, "FOR YA MOM XO". I assure you that I did not selectively pull these letters out. Well, shit! This is where the first copy of part 1 is going! No one knew this but me until I mentioned it yesterday. So out of the fifteen letters, there were now four leftover along with a smile (I can relate to this). Two of the four were Z and S (which I can also relate to). I'll get back to the last two in a minute.

YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'VE GOT...'TIL IT'S GONE

This book has many messages, and is written for many people, especially my friends. Yes, and for the city I live in, but also for my mom. Well, her, my step-dad and my sister (my family). It's too much to go into here, and it would take way too long. But I'll tell you this much. I left every single person I ever knew eight years ago, by choice. Period. Reasons? Well, some other time... But, I disappeared because I didn't want to face them anymore. Hell, I couldn't even face myself so I left and never said another word. And, that was it. That's pretty serious shit. Yeah, seems like this part could have gone into the Preface but it didn't, so it's here now. No shit. I've really kind of just blocked it all out. It's been so long. Things seem to surface when you go scuba diving and then come up for air. But this is just one of the things that I can face today. Really, I think I can face just about anything today.

FOR YA MOM XO...or, For You Mom...Hugs and kisses! The rest is kind of personal, as far as why I left. Not that I haven't been personal already. But, maybe this book will explain a little. I'm seeking progress, one part at a time, okay? When involving other people, I've learned that it's good to consider all involved. I'm learning that by just doing the right damn thing today by choice, I affect others with what I say, how I speak to people, and by my actions and outlook, which I consider positive. That's part of backing it up. That's part of a new life. Like a tree, I can stand firm and grow today.

THE MORAL OF MY STORY

Yeah, that apology and forgiveness I gave myself was about facing issues at hand and addressing them. I've made many apologies to others since the first one, and I keep progressing. I've even had to do some forgiving. Nothing really major but I can commit to that too. It's different being on that side of the fence. Nevertheless, I've made a choice and a commitment.

You know, while writing this book I forgave my father. Yeah, I really didn't hold anything against him, but I think back about the time I saw him before he was killed. I think he hurt in some ways. I understand about hurting inside. Maybe that's why I forgave him. And, it was real. Though he wasn't really there, I believe that he was. Does that make any sense? Maybe he needed my forgiveness...so he got it. My forgiveness. And, it was damn sure a tear dropper...like right now as I speak.

This also makes me think about the fire. I haven't really done much forgiving about that yet, and I'm not sure that I can at this point. I need to and I really want to, so that's a start. I'm still pretty pissed off about it. It's just real difficult because I was in the house. Yeah, it really still fucks or fiddles with me at times...use what ever word you want. You know, at my new little place, I look to make sure shit is unplugged. I check the little green light on my smoke detector to make sure that it's on. I make sure that the little dude has got my back. Shit, if the truth be known, that little smoke detector is my friend now. So check yours because you've got a friend that you didn't even know about. Yeah, check the battery, just in case.

I'll tell you something. I wrote this book and then broke it down into four parts, so that maybe I can come to terms with what has happened. Life was really starting to look wonderful (and really still is) until this shit happened. I didn't ask for it but it damned sure happened. I'm trying to move along and pick up my life, which for the most part is good today. I have to progress. There are more important things for myself that I like and want to focus on and I will. The fire event is already starting to grow a little distant. I'm learning to accept the fact that it happened, which makes me think about other things I've learned to accept. Acceptance. Now there's a damn good word.

So I'm processing what's happened to me...that's what I'm doing now. Forgiveness...Again, I know that's what I need to do. It does take time to review, process, progress, process, progress...process...progress. Yes, acceptance.

I'm learning that when giving apologies and even forgiveness...well, to start with, if I say something that I don't mean, then why say it? I'm understanding and learning that apologies affect people differently. I've found that when I'm addressing people about the same issues, it doesn't bother some as much as it does others. I still apologize and forgive but that's why I use an individual approach if possible because I never really know the response until I give it. Still, the best approach by far is a simple and standard, "I'm sorry" or "I would like to apologize". It goes the same with forgiveness. I just commit to it and that's what I do. I try to be aware of each situation. They're all different because people are different. Just because I think about things one way, or agree with you, doesn't mean I agree in every way or the way everyone else does. I'm learning to accept that. Does this make any sense? I try to consider other people and what they may be going through...cleaning my side of the street with my apology, forgiveness, acceptance and committing to it consistently. Backing it up with follow through. I can accept that too.

Oh, real quick, and this is important. Important to me, it is. A few days ago on my way to work I passed a memorial service that was getting ready to take place. I had to get to work but I wanted to stay for it. It didn't last long. There was a moment of silence and I remember that moment very well. It was a fireman's memorial. I even said hello to one of the firemen that I knew. Well, what I really said was "thank you" and shook his hand. That's all. But, I can assure you of this one thing: they deserve more thanks. Well, shit. Kind of like that smoke detector I have now. That's about as fucking real as it gets.

Whether apologizing or forgiving, I believe my motives are good and they were from the start. The great kid at the beginning of this book (let's just say a good kid)...that's me. I'm a man today. Actually, I think I'm a good man. My motive on the next part of the book is...well, I'll tell you this: it's good!

Friends and other people are important to me today because I am important to me today. Changing something for the good is what's up along with My Conscious, who is also one of my friends. I can clearly look up and see that today. There are many friends around me. I'm keeping them and listening to them all, actually. Friends. Yes, you can bank on it. By going to the school of life everyday and just doing the right damn thing today, I can keep myself from having to apologize. Think about that one. Hmmmm... I have to remember that I'm not perfect. But good, I believe I am today.

I also know about crying. I believe and feel for the right reasons today. I honestly do. I do it when it comes, and just like Coca-Cola, it's the real thing today.

Building a new life is what I am committed to doing and I've grown closer to the ones around me because of all this. Really, with every thing and every day I'm keeping myself humble. Bad things that suck humble me, but yes, good things can also humble. And, for that, I am very thankful many times.

I think that clarity was a gift. That salesman for Clarity Inc. is one of my many friends. That gift of clarity was free, just as it is now.

And that song by The Who is good shit! I heard it just recently along with some other songs. Damn, still jamming...yeah, good tunes! And I'm certainly glad that particular phrase didn't inevitably come true. I guess I wouldn't be here if it had. You know what I mean?

Trying to see what's ahead...seeing in my past and now...dealing with things takes courage I do think that the chicken got tired of being a chicken shit and finally crossed the road because dealing with life takes courage. So, I have to eat clarity every day. Damn! Life is not always easy. So with clarity, courage, and just doing the right damn thing I'm able to address life on life's terms. That's a choice. And, I've probably repeated myself a few times but I choose to right now. I have to keep myself in check, so deal with it. Oh! I hope the cussing wasn't too offensive.

Simple math is not so simple, is it? But keeping it in front of me makes it easier to see. Things that are in my life today give me balance. Me as an equation...well the answer is 4. Life...well, shit! Life has its own equation. Between my life and the things that are outside of it, I look for balance. Even the balance is not always easy, and that's given.

I don't claim to know a whole lot, but so far, this shit works. The more I learn, the more know. That's what this book is for. The only person I can change is myself and a "can do" attitude helps. By trying to do the right damn thing, means that I'm ABLE TO DO the right damn thing. Hmmmm...I'm striving for perfection, but good...well, it's alright. It's acceptable to me. What do you think? Do you think? I think you do. Think, that is.

I keep thinking about that soup thing again. Oh! The other two letters that were left over...well, they were someone's initials that I know. No shit! That blew me away! Really! Well some other time...Yeah, some other time. Anyway, (FOR YA MOM XO...by the way, I'm sorry.) _I wonder if she's okay?_

For now, as far as acceptance of everything thus far that I've said, well shit! I'm good with it. Acceptance of things to come...I hope it's good. That's what I'm trying for, so I can accept that too because of accepting myself today. I think back before all of these changes that I've made and...hmmmm.

Acceptance...I think that's a good subject for myself in math class today. So what's next? Oh! Let's go shopping...

TOC

MY MOTIVE, 2 YOU

ANOTHER NOTE FROM ROXANNE PART 2

Del has come a long way since he started writing this book. I've watched him settle into "normal" life and he's made it look pretty easy, considering where he was when he started. I know that he has fears and worries but he is constantly thinking and processing his thoughts and emotions. Through it all, he keeps a clear head and an upbeat attitude.

The arsonist setting fire to the house in which Del was sleeping definitely freaked him out. It was terribly traumatic for him but I've decided that it was maybe a positive thing overall—a necessary evil perhaps. It brought a lot of anger out in him that was important for him to deal with. He started thinking about apologies, forgiveness, acceptance, and how anger can eat away at you if you don't do what you need to do to move on. The fire also affirmed to him that there were people who cared about him and were ready to help. I think he was pleasantly surprised and proud to learn this. He came to understand that surviving the fire was almost like a second chance at life. His new life has become a priority to him. Another big concern for him is that he would like to have contact with his mother.

Through it all, he has become more determined to share his unique perspective on life with others in the hope that it will inspire and motivate them.

I admire the way Del has "rolled with the punches" that his new life has dealt out. He is stronger than I thought he would be and he's lasted longer in this uphill climb than I thought he would last. I'm convinced that he's going to be okay. I never know what to expect from him but it's always interesting!

This is Part 2 of Del's story. I hope you will appreciate this funny, touching, provocative, honest, and inspiring memoir.

Roxanne Lee

April 2009

FOR LIFE PART 2

So I'm still seeing it, though it's different in how I look at it. Yeah, this is your introduction to Part 2.

I said something in Part 1 about how the word "pro-log" makes me think about a tree. And a tree makes me think of life. And "pro" means "for". That brings us to "for life". This time, we'll use something a little different, although I did enjoy the one about the kids playing in the leaves thingy. You know a tree that grows from a nut that refuses to move can still grow tall and big. It can still flourish, just like life, which I'm for. So in order for the tree to grow, it must be pruned and cared for. Maintained, how about that? I would think that these things are needed to further its growth.

Again, I'm introducing another discussion about drama which is in all life. And I'm talking about my life, and maybe some of yours. I'm pruning myself so that I can grow more today.

Just a reminder that life is born and then it's born again and again, because birth still happens every day. So Happy Birthday to you! If it's not your birthday, it's an early gift if you want it. By the way, my birthday is coming up. Yeah! In a number of days, actually. Wheeee! Wheeee! Wheeee! Happy Birthday to meeee! (It's always somebody's birthday somewhere and that's a celebration.)

Anyhoo, I still do not consider this a quick read. I just don't. It's still a cigarette smoking, coffee sipping, toe-tapping, thinking, pondering, wondering, and all that other shit that makes you go Hmmmm... A slow read, it is.

The language label is still here. It's called "Deal with It," because I cuss. It's just how it is right now. "Fuck or Fiddle," call it what you want, plus some other words. You know the seriousness of issues that I'm going into here. Well I don't want to promote cussing, but I still cuss a little and sometimes a lot. Yeah, I'll do at least one of these parts without one cuss word, period. Okay? I shouldn't exclude anyone because of cussing. (It's just not today.) Regardless, Shit happens and good shit still happens too. I'm seeking the good shit!

I just said something about the seriousness of issues. My issues. I still think about that word "diversity" that I mentioned in Part 1.

You know, I also think about the risk and motive for changing my life, just like I talked about some in Part 1. Yeah, well I'm doing it. My motive 2 you, about me. It's important. It's me getting personal and still risking what's inside of me.

Again, this book in your hands is about letting out the real shit that is going on inside of me and how I'm dealing with it by trying to seek out the good today in everything. The events that I told you about in Part 1 still make me think about how precious life can be. The most recent events are still going on. It's called LIFE.

The main event is still in progress. Round two, Ding-ding! So please continue with me. And standing in the ring, in this corner, it's still...ME.

I'VE FACED PART 2

And, for the second time, again, let me say many times, Thank God, My Friend, that I was awakened. Yeah, the fire. It is starting to grow somewhat distant. I don't believe I talked before about the few days after the fire. The first couple or so nights in that little motel room were just...I guess it's part of the process, you know? All that trauma bullshit. It wasn't the money. I really couldn't afford getting into a room. I had a little savings account (hell, it's gone now as I write this). It wasn't the fact that I was completely displaced and my life disrupted. My friends helped a lot. I had planned on moving out anyway. That's what I've worked my ass off for. Anyway, I just didn't realize that I was going to move out that fast. I pulled through, though.

But back to the motel room. The real fact is that I didn't even get under the covers for the first couple of nights. You know how you just pull the bed spread part up around yourself while still lying on top of the bed? Yeah, and just curling up into that little fetal ball position to sleep. Can you picture that? Yeah, you should have seen it in color. I also think about all my friends at that time. Damn! You know, being in the room alone, I just wanted them all there with me at once and not to leave. I'm telling you, it really fucked with me hard at first. Now it just fiddles with me occasionally. But back to them all being in the room. I tried to picture them there with me kind of like those life-sized cut-outs of people that you see. Yes, just stand them up, everyone...so that I could see them all in the room and they wouldn't leave. No shit! Life-sized cardboard cut-outs. ( _To the arsonist:_ _Whoever you are, that shit shook me, man! It really did!_ )

I also remember the first day after I checked in. I was in that bed, staring at the smoke detector thinking, _is this fucker going to go off?_ Damn! I'm telling you it was a pretty bad ordeal. I even called the front desk lady. I'm sure it was an odd request. I kind of had to tell her what had happened, as little as I could anyway. Like I _really_ wanted to talk about it. You know what I mean? But I asked to have someone come check the smoke detector. I know that sounds crazy, but I did. There's no other way to explain it. So they sent a maintenance guy down to the room and he was actually pretty damn responsive. It was kind of awkward but he came in. He didn't say anything but the usual "Hello" and "I'm here to check the smoke detector." Not that this is usual. But he seemed pretty casual and all. I guess the lady at the desk probably told him a little bit. So he came in and instead of checking it, he popped in a new one. What a relief! He told me that he had checked the one that he just put in. Yeah, he said he had done it outside. Not that I was up to hearing one go off, but it made me feel better just knowing that he had done this. I was like, COOL! I said thank you and that I appreciated it. He said something else to me, though. He said he was sorry about what had happened to me. I knew what he meant. As I said, this whole thing was a little awkward and I'm sure it was for him as well. Finally, we shook hands and that was it. Again, there really wasn't a lot to talk about other than some casual conversation through this. But as I said, it did make me feel better knowing all that he had done.

I still think about the early morning of the fire and while it was all going on. My neighbors came down to stay with me through the whole thing. (Thank you very much.) Yeah! One of them even went to get a jacket for me to put on. It was pretty damn chilly at that point. Shit, all I had on was sweat pants, a t-shirt, and no shoes. And I was out of smokes because mine were in the house with all my shit. So while I was trying to absorb it all, the investigators arrived. Through conversation, they were trying to put all the pieces together and so was I. Through more talk and finally some cigarettes (thanks...I owe you a pack), more talk, more process, more smoking, more progress, more talk...I finally saw the photo of him. The arsonist. I looked at it and took my own snapshot in my mind. Yes, I memorized it.

They picked him up the following day I found out and what a relief! For that, I am so thankful. That's some serious shit! I have tried to process this a kazillion fucking times and I still draw a blank about why this happened. Man! I have wracked my damn brain and I don't have a clue. It's so damn baffling. I still try to piece it all together sometimes and I just don't know. Who?! How?! What?! Why?! Forgiveness...

Let's see, what else? Yes, my mom. I sent her a copy of Part 1, but I haven't heard anything from her yet. Hey, do you remember when I apologized to her during that soup thing in Part 1? That was real, man. I really didn't know if she was alive or not at that time. I'm telling you that soup thing blew me away. I now believe that she is alive because of a small amount of looking into it by some friends. But I still wonder if she is okay or not.

In a way, I was really apologizing in the same manner that I forgave my father. I just put it on paper at that given moment. Well, it's done now because as I said, I sent it to her. But I think I kind of know how she must feel, not knowing anything about me for all these years. I sometimes wonder if I may have completely disrupted her life by sending the book to her. Eight years is a long damn time without a word. Nothing! I just removed myself completely off the map. Not just from her, but from everyone I knew. POOF! And I was gone. It wasn't an easy decision to make but I did it. I made that choice...the damage is done. So, she may not want to hear shit from me. Apologies...

Forgiveness and apologies...some are little and some are big but all are serious, I believe. (For myself, they must be done.)

In Part 1, I talked about the fire and I mentioned a list of stuff that I had faced in my life. I keep thinking about comments that people made to me about the fire. Like, "it wasn't your time" and "someone is damn sure looking out for you". Those were the most common ones I heard. I've since thought of more things that I have faced which I believe are important, because some are serious and some could have been.

Drinking and driving. Yeah, about twenty-five years ago I got a DUI. That shit, just like drugs, is no good for me! Fuck it! Call someone for a ride. (DON'T DRINK AND DRIVE!) There's no age limit on drinking and driving, because no one is supposed to.

Electricity. This one was really bad because getting the shit shocked out of you sucks. But with high voltage (actually amperage), it's pretty damn bad. It had to have been around eighteen years ago and I went to the hospital, the whole nine yards. By the way, electricity does not discriminate. (MAKE SURE YOUR SHIT IS TURNED OFF BEFORE DOING ANYTHING WITH IT!)

Floods. About ten years ago, I had a beautiful antique sports car that had been restored. I was driving after a very intense rain and I was about to cross a street. I looked down the road and could see that there was a dip in the road, which was under at least four or five feet of water. I figured I was cool since it was down there and I was way over here. Wrong! (DO NOT DRIVE THROUGH FAST MOVING WATER THAT LOOKS LIKE A RIVER THAT'S FOUR LANES WIDE!) Even water that is just two feet deep will carry you along until it decides to let go. I climbed out of my window and barely made it out myself.

Bicycles. Well I've had a few bicycle accidents and a couple of them were pretty bad. (PLEASE WEAR A HELMET!) Riding a bike into a vehicle or a vehicle into a bike...well, they don't ride very well together, you know?

Relationships. Yeah, well it's important. (DOMESTIC VIOLENCE IS SERIOUS AND NOT FUCKING GOOD AT ALL!) I've had the shit slapped out of me, and then returned the favor, and it happened the other way around too. Regardless, this shit does not have to start and I believe it happens because of a communication breakdown. Shit should not have to get to that point. Just walk away. Walk this way...walk that way...just walk. I've seen this happen outside of my life and in my life and it just doesn't have to happen.

Speaking of that, there's something that absolutely, positively should never happen: the molestation of a child (I.O.U. E.t.sc.SM). In Part 1, I talked briefly about this. Since then, I've thought about someone else I grew up with ever since I was a little... That's enough! (THIS SHIT SHOULD NOT EVER TAKE PLACE!)

Now about me (SO LISTEN VERY, VERY CLOSELY). Have you ever taken your thumb and forefinger, and put them so close together that you have to squint your eyes to see the space between them? That's pretty damn close, isn't it? Yeah, that's really, really close! Well I've had some close calls. Now I know damn good and well what flirtation is like between two adults, and it's common and acceptable within a reasonable manner. But I'm not talking bout two adults doing this. I'm talking about an adult talking to a child in a sexual manner. That's bullshit! I can remember this happening to me three times when I was in elementary school and once in middle school. Not at school, but you get what age I'm talking about. All of these incidents were separate, and the adults I'm talking about were people like, the mom of someone I went to school with, an adult baby sitter, a neighbor down the street, or someone who said they knew my family well and it would be okay for that shit! It doesn't matter to me if you are gay, lesbian, straight, forwards, or backwards...whatever the hell you are, you need to leave children out of it. Adults making sexual advances toward children are sick mother fuckers! Kids can't always, and shouldn't have to comprehend sexual content in adults' behavior. Nothing ever went that far with me personally, and I've talked with other people who have had close calls like myself. (And yes, some that have been...) I think about what might have happened if things had gone to that next level with me. (THAT IS SOME CREEPY ASS SHIT!) It's. Over. Understand. Even. The. Score. (I.o.u. E.t.sc.SM). Prevention. Be aware.

The Police. Yeah! They're needed! All my own shit has been trivial misdemeanors and I've had my share of tickets, and plenty. But I've also had my ass whipped by them. (I fought the law and the law won.) Suggestions: 1. Don't break the law. 2. Don't piss 'em off. 3. Don't struggle with them—do as they say. 4. If there's a problem, refer to step 1.

Debt. I still think about the stuff I mentioned in Part 1. Like the mental, physical, emotional, financial, and spiritual debt that I was putting myself in by choice. Most of the time, anyway.

So a preface is how a book came into being. I have the acceptance of knowing that the things I talked about in Part 1, as well as in the last few pages here, is part of my growth. That includes growth from the inside out and outside in. I've been figuring out how the process and progress of this book came into being and trying to understand why things happen. Some things I do understand and some I just don't know at all. It's kind of weird sometimes. You know, I try to see things in a sane, logical, practical, rational, (and I must not forget reasonable) way. But sometimes shit just doesn't add up, you know? I think about some of the shit that I've been through. I'm sure some people have been through a lot more than I have, but I'm talking about me today. So, I'm going scuba diving inside of me again, below the surface.

A Lifestyle. Well, before we proceed and go shopping...I talked about a lifestyle in Part 1, because I used to have an unhealthy lifestyle. It doesn't matter what kind of lifestyle it is, if it's taken to the extreme it can be unhealthy. (You know what I mean?) There are so many different types of lifestyles that come from anything and everything. Stopping an unhealthy lifestyle was the start of a new life for me. It caused me to remove the elements so that I could deal with the subject: me and what's going on inside of me.

I also talked about the importance of apologizing and forgiveness because being a fuck up and needing to apologize for it was the shit that was eating at me. All that stuff having to do with the fire (or any of that type of aggravating emotional bullshit). It eats at me...I am working on it. I haven't yet forgiven the arsonist, but I need to and I want to. Let's move on for now.

I think that apologies and forgiveness need to happen without causing harm to anyone. It's not my intention or motive to cause harm. For myself, acceptance of things that have taken place and things that are happening now are also a big part of it. I need to accept as much as I possibly can and continue on and live my life.

You know something? I'm glad to be alive today. So Happy Birthday to me! Damn, it's been such a long time since I could really, really say that and mean it. And know how true it really is. I'm working on the acceptance of being happy (I like that). And even unhappy at times. I'm learning to overcome the unhappy with a solution (and failure is not an option.) Acceptance. I'm taking my negative and making a positive from it. I believe that for every problem there is a solution or even several solutions. I found one for myself and yes, My Source is good. It's fiddling weird how shit happens. There's something bittersweet about everything that happens. It hurts so good sometimes, you know? I know the bitter well. I'm just trying to flip it and find the sweetness, if possible. I seek it. Progress. Sometimes I really do cry just knowing how I affected so many people by destroying myself with a fucked up lifestyle. As I said, I've removed it completely. Today, sometimes it blows my mind how people come up and say "Hi!" or wave. They look at me and smile. I'm not trying to puff myself up or anything, really. But at one time, you could say that I was the biggest loser. By telling you my story, I believe that I am turning all of that into something that is winning.

So yes, acceptance that someone is for damn sure looking out for me (huh? I meant to say that). Your time will come just like mine did. My motive 2 you. Until then, acceptance. Live and let live...that's not an easy thing to do. I accept that I had to alter my life so that I can live today.

My motive again, 2 you. It's part of it. For me, it IS doing the right damn thing AND having the courage to do it. Yeah, it's a package deal. And by being consistent today, there is process and progress that is taking place.

I said something a minute ago about being unhappy. I'm a little uneasy about telling you all about it. But I believe in acceptance so let's do this. I think it's a good subject today for myself in math class. (Remember math from Part 1?)

So what's next? Oh! Let's go shopping! I'm buying...

ALLLL ABOARD!

You know, being comfortable with myself had become an itchy feeling way worse than dingle berries. (It was depressing.) Man, I hated it! I was very uncomfortable with me. Damn! I was self-conscious. Extremely self-conscious. I had developed a complex, you could say. I had become judgmental. Yes, I was hard on myself and it was bad in every which way but loose. Then I let it loose. Meaning, I could size someone up in a heartbeat. I was a heart breaker alright. Forecasting who they were or what they were. And for no apparent reason, I was taking my own shit out on others. Being judgmental and self-conscious. Hell, what a combo. Well, what it came down to is that I was unhappy with me.

First off, do you smoke? Shit, I do, like a freight train. Well, maybe not a freight train, more like a choo-choo train. I told a friend of mine the other day that maybe I am working my way back up to the locomotive. I don't think there's anything good about riding these particular types of trains. But I do smoke. Train keep a-rollin'. Hopefully, I won't make it back up to the big boys (the freight trains)...you know, two or three packs a day. I've ridden those trains before. But right now, I'm pretty cool with the choo-choo trains (about a pack and a few). I'm asking because...well, we may be here a little while on this big subject. There are definitely many things that are worse than running out of smokes. Yeah, but running out of smokes right in the middle of something is a crazy train. It sucks! So go get 'em. If you don't smoke...excellent! Don't start! Go get your coffee, tea, milk, beer, wine, water, juice, sodie-pop, or whatever the hell it is (mine is coffee and smokes) because we're going for a little ride.

THIRTY DAYS IN THE HOLE

Being unhappy. Now that sucked! And as I said, I had become judgmental of myself and others. I had picked up this complex along the way. Yes, it was ugly and unattractive. I've tried putting on many things that would help, or make me feel better. Or, putting things IN me that would help, or make me feel better. (That shit is no good.) Sometimes I would do both, but it's all temporary. It's just a different shirt to shop for, to put on or in. Just a different color, or style. In the end, the final result is that I was still stuck with my own fucking self. The man in the mirror...me. I was running from him. Yeah, run, run, runaway and I couldn't seem to face him (myself). I had issues and insecurities. Hell, who doesn't? But let's stick to the subject: ME. I still have a few, even in my clear frame of mind, but nothing major. I'm learning.

Anyway, I didn't want to come to terms with me. I was not comfortable! And I was not happy! So FUCK YOU! YOU GOT IT! FIDDLE ON! FIDDLE OFF! FUCK EVERYONE! FIDDLE THIS! FIDDLE THAT! FUCK THE WORLD AND THE CAT IN THE HAT! FUCK IT ALL! AND HEY! FUCK ME TOO! That's right, FUCK ME TOO because I was going shopping! Another shirt! Something to put on, but mostly IN me. Fill the void! Fill that unhappy, uncomfortable hole. That was me! Another shirt. This is what I had become. Yes, I was damn good at finding fault but it was nobody's fault but mine. I criticized others because I was so insecure (the ripple effect in full force).

THE ONE IN MY MOUTH

So I'm talking about shirts and shopping, why not? Yeah, let's play this one out. Imagine me actually shopping for a real shirt. That's easy enough. I want something nice and mainstream, you know, to fit in. Before we start, most people's intention of shopping is to do just that: get something nice that they like. But my intention or motive was to think that maybe this shirt will be THE one. I'll look great and it'll fix everything! (I'll be PERFECT!) No shit! A final result was usually achieved by putting something IN me, remember? Let's continue. So, here I am shopping for a shirt at the shirt store. I'm searching through the shirt section and accumulating a few, trying to enjoy myself. I'm walking around with my fake-ass smile on shopping for a shirt. By the way, you know those sales clerks? They must really have to be comfortable with themselves to put up with this shit. They used to bug the shit out of me. _I know what the hell I'm looking for, so go away!_ I'd throw 'em that look that said, _"don't bother me."_ (Today, I don't seem to mind their help as much...I'm in a different frame of mind and I actually enjoy the help.) But back to the picture, so as not to get sidetracked. Shopping, yes. I'm on a mission, remember? Trying to get this GREAT shirt.

Let me remind you that I am judgmental and self-conscious which goes along with the fake-ass smile. Anyway, while pushing my way through the shirt sections, I seemed to be bothered again. Not by the sales clerk but by another shopper who is also shopping for a shirt. Well, shit! Now, what is it? I hear a voice say, "Excuse me, sir, but how would I look in this shirt?" As I turn, my jaw drops a little. The person I am looking at is not exactly super duper attractive by any means. Fuck it, she's...never mind, I'll tell you about me in a minute. But back to her question. I'm thinking, _you've got to be kidding me!_ But with my fake ass smile on and straight face (as straight as I can keep it) I say, "That shirt looks great!" Then, she says, "Thank you!" and strolls happily to the counter to buy her new great shirt. Of course, I'm still standing there by now with numerous shirts in hand and one in my mouth (catch that one?). Hell! I've got a whole buggy full of great shirts. But I'm still thinking about this person's looks. No shit! What the hell color was that shirt she had anyway?

Soon forgotten, I push my buggy full of great shirts around while I continue to wear my fake ass smile. Yeah, on a mission, self-conscious, judgmental, and wearing my fake ass smile. Damn! A Kodak moment.

This is what I had become. Sometimes I feel like a nut and sometimes I acted like one alright. Really! (Time for a coffee refill and a smoke because we're not done yet.)

You know something? This is what gets me. That person who wanted my opinion and then casually went to purchase her new great shirt was completely comfortable and content with her looks. That just blows me away. I wasn't even close to what that person has achieved. For years, my encounters with people were similar or identical to what I just described. The people in question each had a state of being that was genuine because I could sense it (a ripple effect). You know what I mean? No doubt about it, they were happy with themselves.

Meanwhile, back at the shirt store pushing my buggy full of great shirts and wearing my fake ass smile, I hear, ATTENTION SHOPPERS...THE STORE IS NOW CLOSING...PLEASE BRING ALL MERCHANDISE TO THE FRONT COUNTER...AND THANK YOU FOR SHOPPING AT SHIRT STORE. (Click.) Oh, damn! I've got to hurry because I'm not finished yet! That was me.

Do you ever get the feeling that someone is talking about you, or even staring at you? I did and I still do sometimes. But it's okay because learning to be comfortable and happy with myself and coming to terms with this stuff is a process, like many of the things that I'm telling you about. Yes, some days are better than others and that's okay too.

DO BELLY-BUTTONS HAVE TWO HOLES?

I have to learn acceptance about ALL THINGS. Even the fire which I'm starting to come to terms with. But now, more importantly, my mom. I can't change it and there's no fiddling way around some of it. Ain't that a bitch! I want a smoke and a refill! ( _I guess she's not going to call, but I kind of understand why._ )

Well hell, I'm going to go out on a limb here. I wouldn't say I'm ugly. Not even butt-ugly. Maybe baby butt-ugly. I wasn't popped with that ugly stick or limb—just a big switch. Half-ass cute. Yeah, but I'm still in the butt family. I'm aging a little too (for I am growing old). I get the goofy look once in a while (it comes and goes) but basically I'm baby butt-ugly with blue eyes in the summer and hazel in the winter. (I can't explain that one.) I'm a little rough complected. I have long dark hair, with a touch of gray. I like that. Yeah, I almost cut my hair, but that thought was short lived. My hair though, it's brown in the winter and a little lighter in the summertime. I guess that has to do with the sun. I also hold a decent tan. Giggle, I may be a damn lizard! Changing different colors and shit. A fiddling lizard—that's a good one! People have always told me that I look like one of those musician fellas. That's pretty funny, but I know a little bit about music.

Anyway, I'm six feet tall and pushing 200 pounds but not over that. I'm a big boy. Yeah, I tried to weigh some time ago (one of those 25 cent scales you see at a restaurant or arcade). I was at the mall looking for a job. And the damn machine took my money! No lotto numbers, no horoscope, nothing! All I wanted to know was how much I weighed. Damn, that pissed me off! So now I'm on strike. I'll let you know if I ever find out my weight, if I remember (for I am growing old). Damn machine! Where were we? Oh yes, six feet tall, 200 pounds minus a few. I would say I'm reasonably lean (well, I've got a new buddy...I'll tell you about him and his friends in a minute) and of course the usual accessories of two legs, two arms, two ears, a nose with two holes, and a belly button (just one). Oh, buttons have two holes, just not belly buttons.

WHAT THE HELL IS BUNNY RABBIT HAIR???

Acceptance. That's a nice damn word. As nice as it sounds it didn't come easy. I still have trouble at times, nothing major as I said earlier, but I'm learning. So let's keep moving. Yeah, there's a friend of mine that I have visited a lot. Before I got my full time job across town, I would fill out applications at this friend's place and we would talk. It was fun because we would laugh and talk about things and other stuff like math (you know, life and me). Anyway, I'm understanding more about math (myself) than we've even discussed. I'll tell you why. My friend owns a clothing store. They sell things like hats, children's boots, and clothing. And yes, they have great shirts too.

It dawned on me recently that during my visits when I was filling out job applications, I had the opportunity to observe people in the process of browsing around or shopping for something in particular, or even purchasing a new item. What I noticed, is that most everyone I saw seemed to be generally accepting of their appearance and/or looks. As I mentioned earlier, for years I couldn't even come to terms with that within me. Yes, it's been a process, learning to be comfortable with what I look like. It's okay. It's alright! It's good! (And I like good.) I like me. Actually, I love me today. That may sound a little corny ("corny" is a word—I now have a dictionary) but I do love me and that's okay. Corny is good. I tell myself every day that I love me. Yeah! I do it in front of a mirror, usually in the mornings but not right away sometimes. (I don't want to see a fiddling lizard right after I wake up, you know, with bunny rabbit hair–that's hair going every which way—and pillow marks on my face and all that shit.) I usually start laughing, though. I used to not look at myself at all or I wouldn't want to look, anyway. But shortly after I wake up, I do it. (Call it an affirmation if you want) but I say it and I mean it. I'm sincere when I do it and I damn sure make good on it. Today, happily and slowly (for I am growing old), I'm learning to love me.

LOOK AT WHO'S MOVING IN

Now, my new little buddy. He showed up one day unexpectedly. (Who's that knocking at my door?) Yeah, there he was standing on my doorstep. I was staring right down at him while he was looking back up at me. It was history in the making. Just a short time ago, I was looking in the mirror and I noticed that I had developed a small belly. I repeat: a small belly. Nothing to get worked up about. He's alright, my buddy (my belly). We're getting to know each other. It was a slight shocker. I didn't trip out on it (not too much, anyway). It was more interesting if anything. But when we met, I did kind of pick him up and hold him (to get a better feel for things) while still looking in the mirror. Like I said, he's small but I'll tell you what he can do. (Not much.) I haven't quite figured out his job yet. My buddy—which is what I call him now—can hold a fork or a spoon or even balance a little bitty saucer. He was persistent about wanting to do something so I told him that this would be his new job for now (and nothing more). No large plates, trays, big cups, or glasses. This requires a bigger buddy (a bigger belly). He's okay with this and I am too (so far). Now, I mentioned that he has some friends, remember? Two of them to be precise. While looking in the mirror and talking with my buddy I noticed his friends kind of hiding behind him (really to the side). They're a little shy and I have to turn to see them but they're there. Yeah, they are most commonly known as "handles," or "hip huggers". Whatever they are, they're there and they're pretty much equally sized or proportionate with my little buddy. They seem to go together as I'm guessing that they all came at the same time. These guys are kind of like tagalongs because they keep my little buddy company (all hanging out with each other). Now, they don't have a job yet but they're looking. Hmmmm.... Anyway, we all had a talk the other day. We worked it out so that they could stay (yeah, I gave in). I told them that they all three can live here at the house as long as they mind their manners, behave themselves, and promise to not grow up and get ugly. They said okay and we shook on it.

All shirts look great! (WE'LL GET BACK TO THIS STATEMENT LATER.)

YOU ARE SOOOO BEAUTIFUL...TO MEEEE

Hey, remember those school pictures from when you were a kid? Hell, I do. I think about it sometimes...a baby butt ugly kid with pimples and a bad hairstyle, (say cheese please!) but wearing a great fiddling shirt. Damn! Those pictures sucked. (At least I didn't have braces. I made up for it everywhere else though.) I was girl-shy for real and that may have cut into my self-esteem early (just a bit, anyway).

"You look so beautiful." This had to have been the most popular phrase among all moms that I can imagine. If not, it should rank in the top five. Why do mothers love their babies? Even baby butt ugly babies (say that three times in a row) like me? Because they do (most anyway). That's what moms do. I guess they're supposed to. I think a little reality break somewhere in the childhood gap wouldn't have hurt too much. It could have helped along the way. I heard it from the other kids (some of them poking fun at me). Of course, others had it worse than I did. But I wanted to be like or look like the ones that had it better (you know, the popular kids). They seemed so PERFECT. Here's another one: "You're so handsome." Or, "my little hero". Bullshit! Only to a mom. I was no one else's beautiful little hero, that's for damn sure! (I'm just keeping it real.) Like I said, I guess that's what moms do (no blame there). Moms will always be moms.

I CAN'T GET NO SATISFACTION

Not being able to accept myself contributed to the down-sizing of my self-esteem along the way, as well as along with putting shit IN me. How many more times, I always wanted something different...that store-bought package. Always trying something different. Something different. Something different. I never tried ME! No shit! I didn't even give me a chance. What the fuck for? Because I didn't. I just wanted to fit in somewhere. Hell, doesn't everybody? Does that make any sense? I'm learning.

Satisfaction guaranteed. I've heard that before...it's bullshit! I never was satisfied! As always, no refunds...exchanges only (give me another great shirt). I would think, _Boy, oh boy, oh boy...this is it! I know this shirt will be the one!_ I just _thought_ the last one was THE one. Really! You don't understand! So just shut the FUCK UP! If this one isn't THE ONE, I'll just put something IN me. So there!

This stuff is a process...yeah, being comfortable in my own skin takes time. No, it's taking time (same thing, kind of). I'm a process and it's taking time (there we go). Becoming transparent. This is part of it. Seeing me for who I am. But also letting people see me for who I am. Transparent. Damn good word. (We're going in further so breathe deep.) I need a smoke first and a refill. Shit!

WE'RE BACK!

Okay, all shirts look great! Remember? Believe me, I've had a damn closet full of them over the decades. Yeah, lots of shirts, whether on me or IN me. I've tried many. Remember that hole, that void, that emptiness I told you about earlier? (First try thirty years in the hole, not thirty days.) Yeah, I believe I dug the hole myself for that long. No shit, most of it anyway. Hear me out on this one. I'll try and put this into perspective. It started on the surface and got deeper (or vice versa). Either way, the thing is, I finally noticed the hole. Damn! Hooray! (It's about fucking time.)

Anyway, this hole, to begin with, was full of me (not full of shit...that came later). It was full of who I was. What I was. My character, my laugh, my speech, my cry, my feelings, my thoughts, my walk, my looks (yes, my looks), my hair, two eyes, two arms, two legs, two hands, two feet (with toes and fingers), two ears, a nose with two holes, and yes my one belly button. And, I must not forget my new little buddy and his two tagalongs. All of this I removed. Most anyway... you know what I mean, but if not, I was trying to be something that wasn't me. How about that? If not, maybe this: I replaced or tried to replace the things I didn't like about me whether it was my personality, my character (the inside stuff), or my looks (the outside stuff). I thought or believed I would be better or feel better, (and be GREAT or even PERFECT). I did this by putting things on me or IN me, remember? If not, well damn, how about this? I could not accept a damn thing about me! (There!) Always putting something different in that hole, usually drugs...an unhealthy lifestyle.

Today, accepting who I am and what I look like in a great shirt (being comfortable in my own skin) is a nice feeling. It's good. Shit! It feels good. And guess what? I look good too! Again, I like good. I'm learning.

AN APPLICATION FOR A HEALTHY LIFESTYLE

Let's think outside the bun (me, being the bun) for a minute. I want to accept the persons, places, and things around me, not to exclude race, creed, religion, color, sex, or national origin (does that get it all?). That's what I want. All of it. Everything (if I can), starting with myself. Again, I'm learning to deal with the other stuff by coming to terms with me, and everything else seems to flow. Got it? That means I'm trying to be comfortable with it within reason. You know, to live with it. That's all.

I.O.U. E.t.sc.SM

I was washing laundry some time ago as I did every week at the Coin And Wash Bubbles Laundry Mat. (It should say A Whole Lotta Damn Coins And Wash Bubbles Laundry Mat.) Anyway, my one load, being the usual, went through its normal cycles of washing and had just finished. While pulling out my clothes and placing them in that little buggy on wheels (a nice convenience to transfer your clothes from the washer to the dryer) I noticed that a few shirts (exactly three, because two weeks ago it was two) had developed some marks or smears of some kind on them. It was quite obvious too. Hell! They were waving back and smiling at me. All of a sudden Pissed Off jumped from the dugout with bat in hand, was up at the plate and ready for the game. (When this fucker pops up, it's on!) Shit! I was mad! I didn't lower the volume either. "WHAT THE HELL IS THIS AND WHERE DID THIS SHIT COME FROM?! DAMN!" There were some other choice words that were said about this unexpected visit of the Blotch ("blotch" is a word—I will tell you about my new dictionary in a bit) on my shirts. Yes, mine! And they were great shirts, at that. There were more shirts and clothes that had been washed that had not met this Blotch character (sick motherfucker is what he or she is). I damn sure don't like them. So, while I held the shirts up individually I loudly instructed each of them (so that the shorts and socks could also hear...actually EVERYONE could hear), "Don't talk to this Blotch stranger while riding your bikes during the wash cycles! I don't care how nice he may seem, just ride around him. If you must talk, be nice but do not, I repeat, DO NOT SHAKE HANDS WITH HIM!" I made them aware. (I.O.U. E.t.sc.SM) Well, all of the clothes looked back and forth at each other and then at me. They all shook their heads in agreement (but not in unison...they were more like kids in a classroom).

Now, I know my clothes. Hell, I wear 'em every day. I know what kind of shit is on them and how long it might have been there. You know what I mean. I'll guarantee you this one: there was shit all over these three shirts (who were supposed to be riding their bikes and having some good clean fun). But they got off their bikes and shook hands with the Blotch...in fact, they were poppin' high fives, low fives, tens and twenties...a regular patty-cake-patty-cake-baker's man...they came close, real close. So I set these three shirts aside and put the other clothes in the dryer for their bike ride. Of course, I reminded them to beware of the Blotch, and also to be careful because it was a bit warm out today (it was a dryer), and to have fun. I closed the door and after adding LOTS of coins, I pushed the button. I could hear the little murmurs ("murmur" is a word) of the clothes in the dryer. Some were even laughing with their tiny faces pressed up against the glass to see what was happening. They all came out fine, by the way, because they understood and stayed aware.

You know, I and my clothes have had CLOSE encounters with this Blotch character before, as well as his friends, Splotch, Spot, Dot, and even Speck. I've known people like myself who've had close encounters and I also know some that have HAD this encounter. This is an unspeakable act on a child. (Anyone who takes advantage of a child is a SICK MOTHERFUCKER! AND THAT'S A BIG FAT NO NO!)

Let's continue. So while reminding the shirts back at the washer, one by one, I took lots of soap and water and helped them to be more aware. This is about prevention so I started scrubbing. (I.O.U. E.t.sc.SM) I know! Use a little soap and water and apply. Washing instructions are ridiculous sometimes, also I was on the field scrubbing...water and soap suds were flying, and from a great distance you could see and hear what was happening. I'm guessing I was quite the character at the moment. After finishing this task next to the washer I put all three shirts back on their bikes and set them in for another wash cycle. I added MORE DAMN coins and pushed the button. While waiting I thought, _Maybe this stuff won't come out. It really may not._ I'd done all I could do except for maybe shaking my head and mumbling every time I see it.

Like other clothes or anything that has this stain gang reminder on it, it's permanent. It will always be there, unfortunately. But, by accepting things like this and doing something about it (prevention), it's easier to work through it. Sometimes it's harder. Either way, I have to come to terms with it. I've found that letting go helps. It seems to be part of the process and it works out okay that way.

Man! That was a lot of damn math today. I'm learning. (By the way, the three shirts came out fine.)

MY DEFINITION OF ACCEPTANCE (MY MOTIVE, 2 YOU)

I had a most enjoyable experience last week on the bus. (Yes, on the bus...but I did say enjoyable.) I met someone and I'll try to explain the impact this person made on me. This person is a wonderful lady. And we had an excellent conversation while riding to our respective destinations. She was talking about her job while I listened. (I like listening.) She works at a store (no need for details...it's all good) but as a customer assistant of some type. I learned that we are the same in many ways (as people) but different in many ways (as individuals). Different but the same. (Here we go.) We both have feelings and thoughts (this is the same) according to our own likes or dislikes (tastes—that can be different). We both have looks (that's the same) according to our own genetic makeup (that can be different). I'm trying here, so please bear with me. I have to accept this, for she is who she is and I am who I am. You with me?

Simple math is not always simple. But my homework is paying off! This has a ripple effect also (both ways and a good one). A damn good one! (I like good.) I must tell you she had on a great shirt too! And so did I! Because all shirts look great! I still don't remember the color she had on but I don't remember mine either. It's what's under the great shirt, I've learned. People, places and things are what they are. Are you with me? If I check myself (check my motives), it usually all falls into place. I don't know that I can really explain all of it, but I do it and it works. No shit! It really does. Oh! And it builds good self-esteem too. I like building.

Today, happily and slowly (for I am growing old), I love me. I have acceptance for who I am, which is not perfect. And in doing so, I can accept others the way they are and things the way they happen, and be comfortable with it. Yes, I can be happy. I'm learning.

I WANT TO PAY THIS ONE

You know, I'm sitting here at this little table with my coffee and I'm thinking about...well, just mixed thoughts. Again, I do feel that more good progress is being made and has been made. What do you think? It's weird sometimes that in my new little place, which is still in a rough neighborhood, I'm alright with it. (It's a step up and I keep moving up.) How does the saying go? "Don't want no shit, don't start no shit." I think that goes pretty much in any neighborhood. Yeah, I'm still pushing myself with this book and all. I'm hard on myself sometimes but in a good way. No progress without it.

I have been oversleeping a little in the last few days. I don't like that. I guess I've been tired and didn't realize it. My body said, "fiddle it". I'm not necessarily mad about being tired. That's why you work your ass off. My body said sleep, so I did. Anyway, being sick and tired of being sick and tired, (I know what that means). Shit! I have a different saying about it. Well I say, "Take two aspirin, eat, and go to bed, then get my ass back up and make more good shit happen."

I'm pretty sure I don't have to tell you that it's tough all around. Yeah, right now it's crunch time with the economy, the market, jobs, and all that bullshit that goes with it. (I guess I just did.) Gotta hang in there though. Hell! I had to get assistance for food stamps. I never thought that would happen. Man! I had to. They were there to help. I hope I don't have to use it very long, because I'm sure that there's someone else who needs it more than I do. But for now it's greatly appreciated and I'll take the assistance. Just like my friends have helped me out of their own pockets, you could say. That, by all means, is greatly appreciated because right now, with work and all, I can just make rent and my bus pass, so I pay those things. I've got to have those and food, of course. And I don't really need many extras. Just living within my means (I don't even have a cell phone). I make an honest dollar and I pay for it all. Anything beyond that is just...well there is another thing that I pay a lot of and I really work hard at it. It doesn't cost me a damn dime. (I CAN PAY ATTENTION.) I can afford that. (Excuse me, did you say something?)

F.M. (NO STATIC AT ALL...)

I saw a word recently. I didn't look it up. The word was "stereotype". I said to myself, "Self, now I know damn good and well that this word doesn't mean a typewriter with speakers that plays music." I do like music. Yeah, all kinds. Do you like music?

I'M A POET AND I KNOW IT

I think back to before I started putting that shit in my body. I was pretty much an alright dude. I was a little silly at times, (and I still am) but for the most part, just a regular Joe, you know? (Hey! That rhymes and I'll take a good cup of it.) But one thing is for certain: I'm me. You know, it's just the two of us here...kind of. I'll talk with you more about that (kind of) part later. Anyway, it feels good not to have that shit in me.

It's weird how I'm accepted today as me, for the most part. But my friends and My Friend all hung in there for me even with a fucked up lifestyle. They accepted it and I know that it was hard to do. Acceptance. And now I'm becoming the man that I'm supposed to be, which is good. All of my friends seem to be able to take me as I am, more so today with or without my silly little quirks. Shit, everyone has them (pet peeves), and I'm sure I can be nerve wracking sometimes. But yes they do accept me, and that damn sure beats the alternative. Understand? This is just, I guess, how I am. It's funny too. I do laugh a lot about shit. They laugh with me. Do you laugh? That's what's up with all this, at least part of it. The growth, the laughing, the smiling, the living right. Yes, and crying. Again, crying sometimes because I'm happy. Does that make sense? Yeah, I do it.

I personally don't believe there are many people who are frowning or disappointed because I put the dope (unhealthy lifestyle) away for good. Except maybe the pusher man. Fuck it! So be it. Unfortunately, someone has already filled my slot. That's on-going and never-ceasing, you know? I'm no longer riding on the merry-go round, I just had to let it go. I guess people use for whatever reason. Hopefully, it's in that casual range...burn a hooter...down a beer or whatever. There's nothing casual for me AT ALL about it. As for others, I guess as long as it doesn't FUCK SHIT UP...so be that! Let's move on.

A PRETTY COOL DEFINITION

It's time to put myself in check. Well, giggles. Happiness is a warm feeling, yes it is. I'm finding that issues and insecurities like jealousy and other stuff inside of me have to be addressed. (That's a must.) And they're minimal today. Liveable. You know what I mean?

So is perception everything? Yes. But it's not all on the surface, like a book. We'll use this book since it's my book. Inside the cover, these pages are me...what has been, what is now, and what I'm aiming for. Trying to be perceptive about myself. By doing so, I'm more perceptive about you. My motive, again 2 you. It's kind of different, but it helps me understand more about all things. I looked up "perception". You may already know the meaning, and I kind of thought that I knew, but I wanted to check and I was close. It means: acquiring an awareness of a thing. Well, I try to be perceptive of all things so I added "places" and most important, "people" to this definition. Pretty cool, huh?

JUST GIVE PEACE A CHANCE...

You know, not using drugs is really just a "peace" of what's going on here. You can believe that. Yeah, trust me on this one. By accepting the things that I cannot change, I understand that I'm unable to control all things, whether at work, play or anywhere. Shit happens beyond my grasp or control.

By understanding the people that I know or meet, it helps to keep me in check, because we are all different in some way. That's why we're all unique, like YOU! Really! Let's get going here.

IS THIS EASY TO UNDERSTAND?

It's a funny thing about transparency. By just keeping it real, I'm building myself a glass house. Hmmmm...speaking of glass, that mirror thing does work wonders. Actually, I say some more things along with the "I love me" bit. More to come on that later. Speaking of mirrors again, my buddy is still hanging in there, which reminds me of his two friends.

I've been approaching dating lately. Well, I've talked with some of my friends about it. Am I still girl shy? Kind of. I think about all of my past relationships. None of those women used drugs, really. A couple may have had a beer or something, but just the casual stuff. Some didn't use at all. I cannot think of any of my relationships that didn't end because of my using fiddling it up.

I'm getting acceptance of everything in this part of the book as I did in Part 1. There are a lot of memories and some have a lot of pain. I think some memories last forever. Good ones too, but definitely the bad ones. Remember the bitter part that I talked about earlier? Yeah, that pain shit. But I don't believe that the pain has to last forever. That's part of that apology and forgiveness stuff. I'm learning that this is some of the sweetness. Understand?

IS THIS EASY TO UNDERSTAND 2?

So, acceptance of things that are taking place. You know, we may never pass this way again...that's why we're here. (This really is 2 you.) So, one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, now go cat go! Yeah, it's a doozie! I hope you continue to trust me on this. There's nothing misleading about where this is going. We've come a long way together now. Well, giggle.

There seems now to be more people who are friends that are helping bring this book along. Every little bit helps and they've been very gracious. They have done it because they know me and are learning to know more about me. (Just like you are getting to know me.) I can accept that some people may not want to know me. That's a given. It intrigues me to know why, but I try and understand and respect that. Acceptance. Understand?

IT'S A FAMILY AFFAIR...

Anyway, I'm still thinking about my mom. Yeah. I'll send her the first copy of this part of the book just like I did Part 1. It goes back to that understanding part again. That perspective thing, again. Remember? Yes, that's a difficult one. I've talked with My Friend and friends about it. I understand about processing shit. The shit she must be going through...the anger and other stuff...that emotional rollercoaster. Yes, that trauma shit. I'm sure it's not easy. I wonder if it's the first apology that cannot amend things? Who knows? I have to carry on. Damn! Is blood thicker than mud? It may not be. But it's a family affair. There's no need for many details. I've heard different viewpoints on this. I also see it from her side. That's the memory part. (My memory, that is.) I'm trying to give you all I can right now. It's kind of a long and winding road, but the journey is what I'm giving to you. So, coming together is...well, giggle. I'll tell you in Part 3.

TRAMPLED UNDERFOOT

You could say I've been shopping for myself, trying to find the real me, or the one I used to be. I tried isolating shit within me by using drugs...self-medicating and self-destructing. (I stepped hard on myself...I put my OWN SELF underfoot.) Yes, it was a self-inflicted thing. Today, through communication with you and others, there is no need to isolate stuff, even without that shit in me. Wow! (My eyes are starting to get blue again.) You like to smile? Yeah, it's healthy. That's funny—my eyes really are! It's time for the season of...well, it's coming...turn, turn.

So coming to terms with myself is all good for the most part. You know, I see today how the unhealthy lifestyle that I had effected others around me. It's even harder sometimes on me to watch others going through the same shit that I put the people around me through. Does that make any sense? It's also not much different than many other types of unhealthy lifestyles...I think. (Below the surface, anyway.)

WHOPPER JUNIOR

You know, once I caught a fish THIS big! You should have been there. What a whopper! Well, shit (or the word could be "giggle")...maybe not a whopper, maybe a whopper junior. Okay, okay, it was the size of a whopper junior.

Anyhoo, the next part of this book is a sweetie alright. Yes, I'll be going scuba diving again. I'm going to get a little nosy here. Do you like dolphins? Never mind. Maybe later.

Honestly though, I do feel good today. Do you feel like I do? Oh, that's true...and I do. You can believe that. I wouldn't lie about it. Lie? Me, lie? Ha! Never! Bullshit! Never ever! (Yeah, right.) I'll tell you this much: everything thus far in this book has been the truth. Yes. I'm just keeping it real. I've got nothing to lose at this point. So come together...

Yeah, next time. Same time. Same channel. While I'm thinking about it, honesty is another good subject for myself today in math class. Honestly, it is. Again, something smells sweet in here to me...

TOC

**MY MOTIVE, 3 TOGETHER**

THE THIRD NOTE FROM ROXANNE PART 3

When we started this journey, it was too shameful for Del to admit or even consider that he was a drug addict. He chose to refer to that part of his life as an "unhealthy lifestyle". I know that he has now come to terms with his past. He still uses the term "unhealthy lifestyle" because he believes that no matter what the addiction...drugs, alcohol, gambling, sex, food, shopping, stealing, etc., it still comes down to being an unhealthy deterrent to living your best life.

I continue to be amazed at Del's focus in living his new philosophies, day in and day out. I no longer worry about Del relapsing. He gets stronger each day. I could go out on a limb and say that he even relishes the challenges of every day life...those predicaments that make even the best of us reach for a drink (the first of several?) that helps take the edge off of a tough situation. He welcomes the challenge and faces life completely sober because he's genuinely happy to be alive. He truly appreciates his life and this miraculous second chance that he has given himself. He has fashioned his own recovery. It centers around apology, forgiveness and acceptance. There is more but he will tell you the rest for himself.

Del has remained true to his purpose. He has not wavered in his determination to tell his story, nor has he lost sight of his original desire which is to help people. He has a sincere interest in making a difference in people's lives.

For those of you who are where Del once was: Don't for a second believe that there's no way out. I watched Del with my own eyes pull himself up. He started with baby steps and then inch-by-inch, he made things better. He considered and then accepted that there is a higher plan, and what his understanding of it might be. He was smart enough to reach out to people who would guide him in the right direction. He was humble enough to ask for help and then he actually listened to the advice. He was brave and tenacious enough to take the reins of his life because he came to believe that he deserved something better. Once that good juju started working, he knew better than to stand in its way. He let it wash over him and he rode the momentum, always open, always learning, and always thankful. You can do this too. At times it won't be easy or fun, but if you want something bad enough—really, really want it—you can have it for yourself.

Roxanne Lee

July 2009

FOR A LIFE PART 3

Yeah, the difference in how I see it is most interesting at times. This is our introduction to Part 3. Let's proceed.

Life is like a tree that, as I mentioned in Part 2, must be pruned in order to grow and flourish. So, I pruned myself and am still doing so.

Once a tree is pruned through continuous maintenance, it produces fruit, flowers, or something else, and yes, it produces more nuts and/or seeds to grow future generations of trees. The seeds or nuts fall to the ground and are then planted. But, some fall in places where they will not grow because of whatever reason such as not enough water, sun, or maybe even too much of either. Who knows? Maybe it's because they have fallen amongst other types of trees or bushes and became choked out. Nevertheless, not all become trees that grow big and strong and flourish. But, some of these nuts or seeds refused to move and did grow. Pretty cool! Planting a tree by hand can be done as well by the same process. I like planting! Just like My Friend. Hmmmmm... Anyway, a life, which I am for, is precious and is born and then it's born again and again and again.

Knowing that life is full of drama, good and bad, is part of it but I'm seeking the good. Really, I am. Well shit! Yes, and I still cuss a little. Well, giggle! (So, "fuck or fiddle" and "shit or giggle"), but I'm getting there. The language label still reads: "Deal with it".

The word "diversity" keeps popping up and here it is again. Interesting word. Hmmmm...

It seems the further we move along, my risk of telling you about what's going on inside of me lessons. Do you understand? And just one more question before we begin: Are you reading this book slowly? I am just curious. That's all.

So Part 1 is my motive and Part 2 is well, 2 you. Part 3, you now know is together.

You also already know that this is my school book. Like many books, but I will tell you later about another book that I read a lot of. Yeah, and it's a most interesting one at that. It's also My School Book. In the meantime, the main event of my life is progress and it's still IN progress.

Round three, Ding-ding-ding! And yes, I'm still in the ring. Please continue with me again. And standing in this corner... it's still...ME.

I'M FACING PART 3

And, for the third time, again, let me say many times, thank God, My Friend, that I was awakened. Yes, I'm facing a new life again. It seems that before the fire, I've had a number of things that I've been awakened to. One of the biggest was my addiction to drugs, a lifestyle that I talked about in Parts 1 and 2. Well, it's for certain that if I was still living that lifestyle I surely would have died in the fire. At the time of the fire, I hadn't used in a while. I know how I used to run on it and then I would sleep hard for two or three days straight. I mean HARD sleeping.

But as I said, I hadn't used in some time. The whole impact of going through that and then realizing all that other stuff that I wrote about as far as events that I had faced in Parts 1 and 2. Man! Don't look back, I know. But it must be done in order to learn. For myself, anyway. Maybe for you too? Who knows? I can only speak for myself.

I may jump around here for a minute (or probably longer!). I must say, it is difficult sometimes for me to read certain parts of Part 1 and 2, it really is. But, whether I laugh or cry or even vent anger, I do it. Reliving experiences on paper is a trip but I feel it must be done. That's part of having courage to process shit, examine it, correct it if at all possible through apology or forgiveness and acceptance. I have to accept that only through processing is it possible to move forward.

You know, for every action there is a reaction. Good is what I'm aiming for. Believing and trusting is a part of it. The source to my solution is simple, My Friend. (Huh? I meant to say that.) Clear enough? More later...you can believe that. Yes, I'm learning.

Anyway, you know all that shit with the fire? What the hell is this guy going through to do stuff like that? It makes me wonder, still. It's kind of none of my business but he certainly put me in it. I talked with the owner of the house the other day. It troubles me that the individual who may have set the fire is out of jail, but there's nothing I can do, really. I didn't even call to verify it. (I believed him when I was told this.) Really, I haven't talked with anyone since about month or so after the fire. But honestly, who wants to hear that shit twice (that he's out of jail.) It's a pisser. And based on the information the investigators told me shortly after the fire...well, it doesn't surprise me. They were right. (By the way, that's not good.) The investigators did their job, really. No blame there. They did with what they had to deal with. So, unsolved? A loop-hole? Not enough evidence...or whatever. I'm trying not to think about too much except for forgiveness. I've come this far. Yeah, forgiveness...

Well, tomorrow I'll have my usual talk and/or lunch with a very dear friend. Yes, we'll talk about this mom thing again. It's been a few days since I sent Part 2 of the book to her. I talked with a number of close friends about it as well as My Friend. Again, nothing much more I can do. I wonder...if, or ifif. The Big 4-letter word. There are a lot of them...ififs, that is (that's actually five letters). Anyway, sending this third part of the book to my mom will be the last time I approach it. It kind of sucks meatballs that it's going like this. Yeah, apologies...

Let's get going here. I think giving an apology is like seeking forgiveness, really. For me it is. And forgiveness—seeking an apology?...well that's an interesting one. What do you think?

You know, there are two sides to this coin—apology and forgiveness. I believe that much. They're both good and they come from the heart not the brain. Does that make any sense? They're both connected, kind of like that humble stuff in Part 1, but it's something you feel more of, not think. For myself, anyway. A thinking mode takes a brain and a feeling mode takes a heart. You know what I mean? Yeah, apologies and forgiveness are straight from the heart. I do believe that. Honestly, I am going to talk with you more about this apology and forgiveness business. It's part of this math that I'm learning, but it adds up with everything else. It's all connected.

So come together, right now. It is just the three of us here. (Huh? I meant to say that.) Can you believe that?

Anyway, I filed my taxes today. The Taxman! That's a trip. It's been a while since I've done that...a long while. And, I also fully understand the word "garnishment". I can only imagine all the delightful smiles, seeing me back on the map. Yeah, The Taxman. A regular worker now, doing what I have to do. Work. Honest job. Honest dollar. And of course, write...like now.

I think again about relationships with people. And our relationship...you and me. Well, and My Friend, your Friend too. (Huh? I meant to say that.) Oh, you don't mind if I say you're my friend do you? Here's one for you...well, never mind. Maybe later.

You know, there are so many types of unhealthy lifestyles. Mine was addiction to drugs. The lying, cheating, stealing lifestyle. In one way or another, if taken to the extreme as I did...well, it's awful. Believe me. But yes, I used to be like that. Lying to support a habit, cheating to support a habit, and stealing to support a habit. I guess I'm trying to get myself a little more comfortable about this next part.

Before we go any further my friend, let me tell you about My Friend. He's a veteran...well, His Son is. His Son is also My Friend. (Yeah, they're one in the same.) Can you believe that? Anyway, His Son, My Friend, fought a humongous war and gave his life. I definitely support My Friend. It's why we've come together. (Huh? I meant to say that.) Pardon me, did you say something? I'm listening...

So drugs and alcohol, or like many lifestyles...is weird to watch or hear about in that extreme mode like I had done. Yeah, the denial...that obvious wall that's there or the pink elephant, tagging along with me. Looking right at it and not even seeing it. And, the times in the past when I did see it, however brief, I was just really oblivious to it. It was just a cute, pretty pink elephant. That's some cute, pretty pink shit it'n it? ("It'n it" is a word to me.) Bullshit. But it was true. Yes, the pretty pink elephant of denial.

I'm going scuba diving again, believe that. You remember that consciousness thing, and just trying to do the right damn thing, thing in Part 1? Remember that? And then in Part 2, the acceptance? For myself, that's part of it and I'm able to do it.

You know, drugs really fucked...I mean fiddled up shit. Oops! I mean giggle. Fiddled up giggle (there we go). Anyway, they did. In every area of my life...mentally, physically, emotionally, financially, and spiritually. I know I'm repeating myself right now, but I emphasize certain things because they run parallel with each other. As I said a moment ago, I'm jumping around.

You know what's up? My Friend. (Huh? I meant to say that, my friend.) Is that clear enough? Let's continue.

Anyhoo, working through acceptance is a must. (And being honest about it is another must.) You can believe that. Hey, do you smell something sweet? I do. Honestly, I do. But keeping things honest, boy, that's a good one...honesty.

Oh, the new dating thing is a trip right now. In the past, I was in many relationships over the years, trying to model what I saw in my parents—my step-dad and mom. Their marriage or relationship was pretty much healthy...unlike mine, because I screwed it up with drugs.

Being a male, I believe it is important to have a healthy male role model when you are growing up. I may not have showed it early in my teenage years but I retained it because my step-dad was consistent with good things and my mom was as well. Yes, they were consistent together. I will say it took a long damn time to experiment with drugs...longer than necessary and it was not needed. I don't even think I had a real girlfriend until I was in my mid teens. Giggle, I didn't lose my virginity until I was about 17 or so. I was girl-shy for real. But I was certainly not shy with drugs. Yeah, I fiddled up all types of relationships with drugs.

Oh, real quick (I know, I know!). Do you remember that mirror thing in Part 2? Yeah, I also say that I love My Friend (Huh? I meant to say that.) Well, I do. There is one more thing that I want to say but I'll tell you later. Dang! I really have been jumping around with these statements, trying to put the pieces closer together for you. I'm kind of rambling on here. So let's turn the page and roll with the changes...

DO YOU FEEL LIKE I DO?

You know, I honestly feel good today. I would tell you if I didn't. I wouldn't lie about that. It's been some time but someone told me the other day, "You look like you're feeling better." I've passed this lady many times while walking down the street and those were her exact words. I don't think I've heard that one in a long time. I believed her. I don't think she was lying. "You look like you're feeling better." Yep! Have I been in poor health? That's putting it lightly, but I guess you could kind of say so. Feeling good is something you can see (maybe?). Not to confuse it with looking good (although this helps). Maybe she could sense it. (A ripple effect or gut feeling, you know?) As I said, I believed her because I DO feel good and I look good too. (I like good.) You know, I looked in the mirror yesterday and said, "You look soooo fine." Believe me? Okay, I stretched it a little...what I really said was "You look good." And I do. Feeling good...oh yeah! Do you feel like I do?

TUFF ENOUGH

I don't want to lie these days, honestly. I really do not want to put myself in the situation of having to cover up something I did, or because I'm trying to get more than I should. What were my motives for lying before? Bullshit stuff...drugs, in a lot of cases. This plays big with me nowadays (big, meaning that I don't like to lie). It's so much easier to be truthful from the start, really. Is it a tuffy? (Tuffy is not a word...not how I spell it anyway.)

Real quickly...yeah, I know. But a friend of mine gave me a dictionary a while back. "Corny" was not the first word I looked up. (Remember "corny is good"?) I haven't told you about the first word I ever looked up, but I will eventually. I'm using the dictionary some as you can tell (for I am growing old). Something happened to it at some point, but it still works. If I think about it later, I'll tell you about it.

Anyway...tuffy. Hell, I made it tuff! There are various degrees of this tuff character. Shit happens, you've heard. "Sorry I was late...I had a flat." Now, I know damn good and well that I overslept because of whatever reason. You get my point. Let's do a few more. "I didn't see that light turn red, officer sir...was I really going that fast?...Dang!" (Knowing that I wanted to say "damn!" instead.) Again, I know I had my foot to the floor and that little speed gauge in the car was pegged out, the engine revved high and loud. The light went from yellow to beet red (by the way, beets are not that red) way before I got to it. Get my point? Here's another. I've been in restaurants or business offices in the past that have those little bowls full of candy. I guess you could call it a courtesy or community candy bowl...a "have a piece of candy on us" dish. Now, I know what these bowls are there for. I also know that I've grabbed more than one piece of candy. Well, a few. Hell, a handful! Stuffing them into my pocket and looking to see if anyone saw me. One or two pieces may have even hit the floor while I was doing it. Damn! I just look at the pieces of candy now and they look back. (We say hi.) Yeah, fond memories, munching out with each other. I guess I'm paying that one back by not getting any. Get my point? Here's just one more. "I wouldn't do that...I love you." Or, "How could I do that...you're my friend." Or, "That's ridiculous...I would never do anything like that because I care about you." I know what I did. This last batch here is the hardest, I think. I certainly feel that it is. No need to stress the point but I will. (Back to this point in just a second.)

Now grabbing some extra sleep and missing work or being late will get my job grabbed from me. Grabbing some speed at the light will grab me a ticket (better pay it). Grabbing a handful of candy could lead to grabbing many things. Hopefully not, but having a fucked up habit can grab repetitive misdemeanor offenses or citations. Grabbing enough of these will grab me some time in jail. Fiddle that! But, grabbing someone's feelings, fucking them over, shitting on them, twisting them up, and lying to someone can grab them and me a lot of hurting time. And worst of all, is lying to myself, "I can do this...it won't hurt...I can handle it...just this once...I won't do it again." This type of shit here can grab some time too and a lot of it (that terrible hurting inside time).

SECONDS UP!

Having a lifestyle of drugs...I've done a lot of this negative stuff to myself and others who were around me. The ending results were a ripple effect that was not good at all. It was absolutely horrible. You can believe that. I was living a lie. A lifestyle...an unhealthy one. Do you understand? There was a lot of embarrassment, betrayal and shame. A lie to cover a lie. Denial. This is an awful direction for the ripple effect to move in. It effected people that I don't even know and the ones I did know are gone. Shit! I believed my own lies. Why? Because I just did. I was a fuck up! Period. I believed in myself so little that the lie became the truth. Can you get that? If you believe something over a long enough period of time, it becomes a way of life (lifestyle). I believed in my addiction to drugs and it became the only thing. It was my truth. It's like I crossed an invisible line. Try and understand if you can. I wasn't even aware that I had crossed the line, and when I realized it, I just didn't care anymore. I gave up on myself and thought it was too late. I didn't know any other way except to...well, there was no "except"...I kept going in that direction because it had been too long and there was no way back across...my whole world was crashing around me, no possibilities of getting what I needed (finding my way back). I really thought and felt that I couldn't make it. Does that make any sense? Well, I believed this, and it became the truth. There is no excuse. But this is my explanation of how it happened. I don't know of any other way to put it. I'm learning.

OOH-OOOOH THAT SMELL...CAN YOU SMELL THAT SMELL?

I was at a car wash sometime ago (looking for a job) and I noticed a selection of air fresheners. There were a lot of them placed on a very long wall. No wonder it smelled so good in this place. Yeah, it damn sure did! I took a moment (longer than a moment) to smell around and see what I could find. This wall contained various sizes, shapes, colors, and of course, fragrances. There were more than I could count. Dang, there was a giggle-load of them! Some were quite big. I picked one up and it seemed to weight at least a quarter-pound, I think. It was heavy and in a big tub. I guess you put it under your seat in super stinky cars. Like I said, sizes, styles, shapes (the most common being trees), and most importantly, the smell. (Oh, and trees do not smell like cherries unless they are cherry trees.) Anyway, some of these you can put under the seat (I said that), on the dash, or beneath it. You can stick some in vents. Of course, the most traditional way is to hang one from your rearview mirror. Man! There were a ton of them and everything you could possibly imagine. I was getting tired from looking. But the smell! Yes, the smell...with the name attached.

You know, everyone has their preferences. A few of them smelled the same as another, kind of, but had a different name. And of course, some had names that didn't match the smell at all (same thing). Oh, there were some that did connect with each other. Anyway, here were some I smelled out: "Pina Colada" was more like a sweet coconutty lotion (I like it). It makes me think of dolphins and Frisbee. "New Car" was more like a detergent smell or fabric softener (not a new car, that's for damn sure). "Dark Ice" or "Black Ice" (it was "Something Ice"), I couldn't figure out. Catchy phrase, but odd smell. (By the way, ice doesn't smell...if it does then check your freezer.) Here's the one that caught my eye: "Sex On The Beach". I must tell you that this particular one as well as many others were labeled "scratch and sniff". (This is all leading somewhere.) "Sex On The Beach", as I said, caught my eye, then my thought, and soon to be my nose (finger first). I scratched, hesitated, sniffed, hesitated again, and sniffed again. Hmmmm...not bad (cologne or perfume). Different. Yeah, but once again, not a match. It was not sex on the beach, in the car, on the car, truck, or any vehicle. It was not in the house, on the couch, bed, table, or against the banister. It was not in the office building, at a drive-in theater, on a picnic table, or in a field underneath a cherry tree beside the barn. No sex anywhere. (The list is infinite.) I know what it means...just a label, just a smell. But, "Sex On The Beach" sounds nice! Yes it does! (And it is.) The thought...hell yes! Very much appealing (it puts a smile on my face.) And, last but not least, the smell. For the time and the moment, by all means, it's great. (If not, well, we won't go there. I'll tell you this much...I don't want it hanging on me and damn sure not in my car!) Yeah, let's leave that one alone. As I said, the smell, yes, again, can be wonderful for the time and the moment. But not while driving...not for a minute anyway. (Well giggle, maybe about three minutes)...there we go!

ANY OBJECTIONS?

Now, where we were going? Oh yes! Labels and their contents (names and smells). Saying one thing and meaning or doing another. Saying something that may not be true. Being dishonest. Get my point? What is said or presented may not be accurate. Lying. Well, that's what it is. You know, buying an air freshener and it being the wrong kind because of its label or smell is misleading...it's deceiving, (same thing). And not really that big of a deal because it's a simple air freshener. (An object.) It's small potatoes compared to what I did.

There's a difference between objects and people. I am today aware of this. If I'm not sure, well I can always check my motives. No shit! Yes, I am aware of the difference between lying and telling the truth.

Today, I see that there is a balance. For me, it balances toward honesty which balances toward the changes I've made in my life. It doesn't contradict with what I am doing. I'm consistent. Some days are better than others. But yes, I can be honest. Why? Well, because I can. I'm learning.

MY HAT'S OFF TO YOU!

I met someone today while at the coffee shop that I visit daily. Coffee and newspaper every day (I'm on a budget, so no paper now). I'm a regular, alright. Oh, with cream and sugar. I do enjoy it. I read, talk with friends some, and drink some (and smoke outside). Afterwards, I usually write for a while (like now!) about me, and maybe some about you, but really about me to you...talking with you. Anyway, this person popped up while I was having a smoke outside. Yeah, he was going around picking up cans or bottles of some sort, plastic bottles I think, but for sure not plastic cans. And then suddenly he just started talking. So I listened (I like to listen). During this conversation he mentioned the word "coffee". I stopped him in mid-sentence and said, "Well? Would you like a cup?" And he answered, "yes". I gave him the money to get one. No big deal. I'm on a budget right now as I said, but really it won't break me. It actually MAKES me...It pays off. Catch that one? (And it's coming up.) So while finishing up my smoke, he had hurriedly exited the place without coffee and grabbed his bag of cans or bottles and said, "The coffee is to too high priced and I still don't have enough money." I knew how much I had given him but it was okay. Then as he walked away he said that he would go get some that was cheaper down the street. I responded, "Well you can have a little more so that you can get it." By then he was already crossing the street and said, "They made me kind of mad so I'm gonna go someplace else anyway." By now our voices were getting faint with each other because of the distance. And, that was it. He was mumbling aloud as he walked. And, he was wearing a couple of cool cowboy hats (yes, two of them). They were different sizes because one was much smaller than the other. They were also different colors and he had them stacked on top of each other. It was neat looking, I'll give him that much. I've never tried wearing two hats at once but it made me think about myself (this is THE PAY-OFF so pay attention, remember?). It made me think about the situations that I have put myself into or out of. Yes, the things that I have said either to stay in a situation or to get out of it. The consistency of going into something honest just works out better for me. I'm learning.

YEAH, YEAH, YEAH...

Not to say that I don't try for the cool points sometimes (stretching things a little to ad lib). "I look soooo fine." (Yeah, remember?) Or, "Oh! I did that!" (Yeah, in my dreams.) Or, "Well I gotta bigger boat." (Yeah, by one foot and I have to put air in it so that it floats.) Or, "Oh, I was there once and had a great time!" (Yeah, when I was a little kid or a baby with my parents.) Or, "My car is better looking than yours!" (Yeah, looking at it from a distance.) You catch on to what I'm saying. (This is a long list too.) Is it a tuffy? I try and keep my mouth shut a lot of times now or if I want to have fun, I go all the way with it, starting with the truth. And then I might throw some jokes into it. I'm just silly like that.

THIS EXCELLENT TRIP IS CALLED TRUST

The people who are in my life today (the ones who are teaching me about math) are all teaching me in one form or fashion. I'm even teaching myself a few things. (More to come about friends.) I believe them. I believe me too. It shows because I believe in the things I'm doing which are good things (I like good). It also gives me confidence. (This ripple effect does go everywhere.) It's healthy. I can see it in myself and my friends (and My Friend) can see it too. They believe in me. This giggle is a trip sometimes, but a most excellent one at that. I'm learning.

THERE WILL BE AN ANSWER...LET IT BE

Well, I think I've made more good progress there, my friend. What do you think? It's interesting that truth both hurts and heals. (In many different ways.) For myself it does. It also bonds and strengthens. Trust is established through consistent use with others. It builds healthy relationships.

You know, it's weird that I forgave the arsonist the other day. No shit. I was wondering when I was going to do it. There's nothing left to process, so live and let die. Yes, forgiveness...I let it be through forgiveness. It was kind of different, you can believe that. I did it at my little apartment, sitting at the same table as when I apologized to my mom. No one else was needed except me, myself, and I. Well, and My Friend. (Huh? I meant to say that.) I personally don't have a need to ever see this arsonist person. I'm moving on with my life, that's all. And the real thing about it is, I meant it and I was sincere when I did it. And yes, it's healing...as odd as it may sound, it is.

SO BE IT

Damn, I still haven't heard from my mom yet. I wonder...well, never mind. I'm just a little sad about it, that's all. You know my friend, this is the last part of the book that I'll send to her. But maybe she has already forgiven me and just moved on with her life. I certainly was not needed to be there for her to do that. Again, just like I forgave that arsonist, she may feel like, you know, not wanting to acknowledge my apology. I'm cool with that for the most part. I have to accept it and trust in the good of things...so be it. And yes, it also hurts...more than I can say, it does.

Let's continue because believe me, we're not done yet.

"QUACK-QUACK"

My friend, have you ever heard someone give you a line of bullshit? Well, I have. And, I know bullshit because in the past, I gave a lot of lines of it with that unhealthy lifestyle. One thing is for certain: I'm glad I don't have to bullshit anyone anymore. "Consistency" is a good word. I'm looking it up right now. Hmmmm...let's see...here we go. Consistency. It says "mutual suitability and a shared likeness of features." Hmmmm...well, giggles. You know something my friend? I'm really into the synonym thing. Yeah, they're just easier to work with, so the synonym for consistency is "agreement". Hmmmm...a shared likeness of features...they must agree with each other. Hey, I got one for you. If it looks like a duck and acts like a duck and even has feathers like a duck...does that make it a duck? Hold on before you answer, because you have to wait for the "quack-quack". It could be a decoy. Consistency. Hmmmm....

Taking something for face value...the benefit of the doubt, or whatever...is my WORD any good? Yes, today it is. (I would say so.) Do I live my life as I say I do today? Yes. Can I tell a lie? That's a given. Do I consciously tell lies? I don't like to, because I don't go for that. Why? Because, I don't need to lie anymore. Am I subject to error? Absolutely. Do I do what I say I will do? I can answer yes to this, also. Why? Because I can, and you can believe that. Consistency shows..."Quack-Quack".

MATH 101

Anyhoo, not having drugs in me today is pretty cool, my friend. I'm still silly, but I'm also serious. There's a balance there as well. I take my job seriously because that's business...my work. And interacting and smiling during my daily work makes giggle easier to deal with. Dealing with life is essentially the same thing. Yeah, it's really good math for myself.

It's a funny thing about relationships with women. (Yes, women again.) Well, and men too but I don't date men. Each to their own. Anyway, with women, "wanna live with them and damn sure can't live without them". Yeah, waiting on a woman. But it's important (though not always easy) to establish compatibilities before entering into those funny pleasurable feeling things...namely, the sex. It's good to have an interest in common things, ways of life, outlooks, blah, blah, blah and so on. Physical attraction is pretty much part of it too, but really getting to know someone should come first. (You know what I mean.) Being friends. How about that? Getting to know the inside stuff (and being attracted to that) and keeping things real. If a relationship is based merely on physical attraction, well I'm pretty much fiddled. Meanwhile, let's keep moving.

JIVE TALKIN'

Hey, If we're going to be honest, you may not like what I have to say but I'm going to tell the truth. As well, I may not like what you have to say. This is a given, wouldn't you agree? You know I could find a reason to lie, but to me this is useless effort. Yeah, I heard some time ago that it takes a lot of talent to tell a lie. Does it now? Interesting, but I disagree. I can't put my finger on it, but something just doesn't quite jive with talented lying. Inconsistency. (Alcohol and drug addiction. An unhealthy lifestyle like many others, yes, it's a decoy.)

You know, I've been told that I over-analyze or look at something too long sometimes and I probably do. It's part of my thought process to over-think something. That's just how I am. I guess this is better than to under-think it. Though generally, I do try to go with the flow of things. Yeah, even flow...just keepin' it simple.

THIS IS A NO NO...

Speaking of jail...well, I'm speaking of it now. Jail by no means mixes with the flow. (Simply put.) Not today, no way, no flow, no can do because I don't have to. I did my time and probation and yes, I'm now free to move about the country (or world). See, the way I look at it is that even after probation, I'm still on probation with myself. Hmmm...yes, and I always will be but I'm cool with that. So, no more learning experiences with jail, which connects with lying, cheating, and stealing...which connects to drugs. That is consistent within itself. You know what I mean? Again, there is nothing I can see that is talented about it. It's just an unhealthy lifestyle. That's all.

Okie-dokey now what? Let's see. Oh, yes...

AND THE "YES" THING IS GOING TO HAPPEN NOW

Anyway, I never truly thought that I would make it back. The odds were against me. I was against me. Does that make sense? That's why being true to me first had to happen. (The man in the mirror, remember?) I mean, really, really being honest with myself and making a choice all of the way. Not some of the way or part of it, or even almost. But yes, all of the way! Yes, proving the odds wrong. And yes, they're right in my favor today. And yes, a healthy new lifestyle is a sure bet and yes, again, it sure beats the alternative. (That alternative thing sounds a little familiar.) Today, it's a winning bet. What do you think? Being accountable. You betcha! I can be accountable for my actions today. And that's good. "Quack! Quack"!

I'M ASKING BECAUSE I...NEXT TIME...

Thank you for letting me be honest and more personal with you. How do you feel about all of this? While I'm thinking about it, are you alright today? I just felt like asking my friend.

So...three parts of this book down and one to go to finish out this picture show. Wow, that's a jingly little rhyme. Anyway, yeah the last part will certainly be the winner. Hmmm...yeah, next time.

CLUTTER AND FLUSTERED = CLUSTERED

Here's one for you. Can I get mad if someone doesn't accept or really acknowledge my apology? I'll get to forgiveness in a just a second (maybe longer). The answer for myself is no. I shouldn't be mad because it's something I caused. I should accept it and move on. My good actions will have to do.

Details are not always needed but for instance, if you apologize to a business for doing something that they didn't know about and they say okay because maybe they accept it, but then they say don't come back...well, don't go back. This is just a suggestion, but this has been my experience thus far even though it was just a jar of peanut butter (yes, I stole it) and a long time ago at that. All situations are different, but pay for it if possible. (This is called restitution.) This stuff is a trip. It wasn't that I couldn't pay for it, I just started getting all clustered up inside while making my apology and I forgot. I'm not going back. I fully understand. I'll be more prepared next time. It's also part of their procedures...store procedures...so I'm not allowed back in the store even though they didn't know what I'd done until I came up and told them. Anyway, I have to accept it. It kind of sucked because I did enjoy shopping there, but I had to change stores. I shop at another one now and yes, I enjoy it. So, good actions will keep me from having to apologize. Hmmm...you know what I mean. What do you think?

If I can add anything else, my friend, it would be to stop doing drugs. Yeah, I kicked the habit, shed my skin. This is new stuff and an action that has a good ripple effect and it's also part of the solution, not the problem.

Yes, today is really pretty sweet for the most part. What a beautiful mess I'm in. The fact is, the way it used to be was super-duper-pooper-scooper BAD. But addressing all of this stuff and what's been going on has gotten us this far. Thanks again for hanging out. As I said earlier, I appreciate you letting me get more personal. It's all about...well...never mind. I'll tell you later. I know that it's all quite a bit to absorb right now. Again, one part at a time.

THAT WASN'T TOO LONG WAS IT?

Anyway, yeah forgiveness is somewhat different, unlike an apology, which is kind of like seeking forgiveness (remember?). Though, a balance of both is certainly sweet. I feel that forgiveness is the true icing on the cake. For me it was, because in part 1 it started after my apology to me. (A forgiveness to myself.) For me, I had to have both. I don't know that I can explain it all right now but next time for sure, my friend. As much as I can anyway. It certainly is cool though, and it works, so I stick to it.

As far as forgiveness seeking...well, forgiveness seeking an apology? If you remember, I mentioned it a little earlier in the beginning of Part 3 in (I'm Facing). Well, I would have to say no to that one too, because as much as I would like it on any situation with someone else, I can't force it. Why? Shit, it wouldn't be real. Acceptance.

JUST A THOUGHT...

Well, the good, the bad, and yes the ugly. Those last two...well, I know what hard-headed is and I know what rude is. I know what the tough guy sniggle is and what the bad ass bullshit is. (It's all sniggle.) I'm not too cool with it. It's just pretty fiddled up. Yeah, it's sniggle or bullshit (same thing). I can play hard ball, but the attitude doesn't really get me anywhere. It's just bad energy and I usually pick up on it pretty fast with myself or someone else because I'm not really geared like that now. Not to say that shit doesn't get on my nerves at times. That's a given. Yeah, but I catch it pretty quickly. I can get my point across without being discourteous during the basic life adventures. It's just more respectful that way.

R.E.S.P.E.C.T...I FOUND OUT WHAT IT MEANS TO ME

Anyhoo. Moving forward. I'm at my little apartment right now. Another day and it wasn't too bad. Overall, I would say it was one thumbs up but not two. This morning I had to address something via the telephone and I was a little aggravated but I maintained, I would say. Kept it real, honest, polite, courteous, and very assertive. After that I talked with some friends and took a brisk walk with My Friend, had a coffee and a smoke and got it done. Yes, respectful, courteous, polite, and got the job done. My neighborhood is a rough place (sounds familiar) but there are good people there. I can nod and wave, say hi, maintain my respect, and by all means give it, regardless of what happens. It can be done, even if something is said the wrong way. Yes, today my reaction can be positive. I don't have to take something in the wrong way. "Quack! Quack"!

CRYIN' OVER SPILLED MILK

As I said a moment ago, I'm in my apartment and I just had pizza (take-out). Well, take-out-of-the-freezer-pizza. I also had lemonade, cookies, and milk. Yeah, I really didn't feel like cooking tonight so I threw some things together. (Does this sound familiar too?) Anyway, I'm kind of debating about talking more about this mom thing. Well, let me dip a cookie first...dang! They still taste the same as they did what I was a little boy...damn, I sure am growing old. Right now there's a tear or two coming down my cheek, as I wipe my nose and sniffle. Pardon me please! I guess mud can be thicker than blood. Anyway, it was a family affair and I'm washing my hands of it. My friend, you can't force forgiveness through an apology, but for me, I'm seeking forgiveness. Acceptance...my actions will have to suffice. As I said earlier, so be it. (ARE YOU LEARNING?)

Anyway, my milk is getting warm and my thoughts and feelings are extremely long and sad. So, I'm going to bed. I have to get up tomorrow and go to work and move forward. Night...night.

CHECK MATE

It's early. Coffee and a smoke. I didn't sleep well, but that figures. Man, this coffee is good. Oh! Top of the morning to you, mate. (That's some fancy-schmancy British talk.) I reckon my country-ass accent ain't any better. Ha ha ha ha ha! Yeah, it's pretty funny sounding sometimes. Anyway, what's up?

Damn, (I mean...Dang!) I'm out of Fruit Loops so I'll have a bagel from the fridge. I'd offer you one if I could...well, would you like one? It's blueberry. Yummy!

Check this out. Do you have a family? Friends? Yes, I have many today and they're like a family. You know something, my friend, if I don't call someone my friend (verbally) it doesn't mean that I don't treat them like one. It's just polite. Can you see it my way? Time will tell if I'm right or wrong and time is on our side, yes it is. Today, these things work. More right than wrong. Honestly, it works...though some don't take kindly to being polite, but I can't help that. I'll still keep doing it. Anyway, let's wrap this up.

JUST ANOTHER THOUGHT...

I talked for a couple of days with someone each morning about something. By the way, this person is also a friend of My Friend. Whether seeking forgiveness or giving it, I was informed that in conjunction with this, there is something else that I must do, that I haven't done yet, especially in giving forgiveness. Mainly, concerning this arsonist person. No need in talking much about it (because I haven't done it) but it pretty much coincides with Part 4 of the book. So until then...I'm a little stubborn about it, but I believe my friend and My Friend, so I'll have to work toward it. Yeah, it goes with forgiveness.

I said something a moment ago about being polite, courteous, and so on. I'm going scuba diving again next time and that's pretty good for where this is all leading. Yep, it's the last subject for myself in math class, SO START YOUR ENGINES! (Excuse me, did you say something? I'm listening...)

I do appreciate you coming with me this far my friend. Oh, here's a tip for you...actually for all...hmmmm...the valets seem rather busy today. Yes, they sure are...

TOC

MY MOTIVE, 4 ALL

THE LAST NOTE FROM ROXANNE PART 4

Here we are at the fourth and final part of Del's story. We have now been at this for well over a year.

I've been amazed and proud at how far Del has progressed in his personal journey. He's learned a lot about himself and the world around him. He's working hard to process and learn from his past. He's actively and productively participating in his present. And, he's excited and hopeful about his future. Accomplishing his short-term goals has given birth to his long-term dreams.

His writing has caused me to wonder about and question certain aspects of my own life. And, he has reminded me of important things that I knew, but had forgotten. I'm sure it will have the same effect on you.

This may seem like a quick read on the surface, but don't underestimate what is going on here. If you take your time, you will notice several interesting things that occur throughout these four installments.

I'm not going to give anything away so pay close attention and enjoy the ride.

Roxanne Lee

September 2009

FOR A NEW LIFE PART 4

So, I wonder if you see anything yet like I'm seeing it? I hope so. This is the introduction of the last part, and it's my favorite one of all. Well actually, 4 all.

Now, I'm going to jump right into the word "diversity" because I've mentioned it three other times in three other parts of this book. Yeah, I looked it up and "diverse" means: not sorted into categories. Hmmmm...interesting. Well, I'm just a synonym kind of guy, I am. So, I picked an easy one for myself and it was "jumbled". That was one of the synonyms for "diverse" and it means: an unsorted mixture of items. Okay, I'm going to make a slight adjustment here, so I took out the word "items" because an item is an object or thing, and I inserted the word "people". So if I jumble an unsorted mixture of people, that's everyone. Yeah, 4 everyone. Again, 4 all.

Okay, and now for the conclusion of the story that started in Part 1...from the nut that refused to move. Well, after a period of growth through continuous maintenance and care of this tree, a harvest now comes, reaping good rewards. Yes, eventually, after this tree has served a wonderful purpose for many years, or generations upon generations, it will be cut to make room for others. This tree will be used for many different things because it was big, tall, strong, and it flourished. Again, so many different things can be made for the good of this tree. The one thing that comes to mind at this very moment is...well...a book. This book. This paper. This tree. And yes, this me came from a nut that refused to move. Pretty dang cool! Ha ha ha ha ha! Not too shabby, huh?

Oh, the language label on this part is still called "deal with it" because there is no cussing in it. Zilcho! None at all. The words you will use for substitutions are "fiddle for fuck", "giggle for shit", "sniggle for bullshit", "dang for damn", and "heck for hell". Yeah, no potty mouth in this one.

Anyway, being born again of a new life is what has taken place. My Friend came along with it. Without question, it certainly happened this way. In my life it did. My new life is a birthday and without it, the last "real" birthday surely would not have taken place (the one in Part 2). My "new life" birthday is coming up and it's totally cool beans, man! Celebrate good times, come on! You know, different birthdays take place every day—not just the day you were born, so Happy Birthday! This birthday is truly a gift, and it's someone's birthday somewhere! Man, oh man! I can hardly wait because mine is coming up!

I will say that it's so interesting how precious life is to My Friend (huh? I meant to say that). That's why I have a new life. Hey, Remember in Part 3, when I said something about another book that I read a lot of? Yep! That's My Friend's Book...His Book is my other school book.

Well now, where are we? Yes! Part 1 is my motive, Part 2 is 2 you, Part 3 is together, and Part 4 is 4 all.

Oh! And one last thing...slow read...yeah, slow read.

Round four, Ding-ding-ding-ding! The main event is still progress. You can believe it. And thank you again, my friend, for continuing.

And in this corner...yes, still standing in the ring...it's ME.

I'M FACING A NEW LIFE PART 4

And, for the fourth time, again, let me say many times, thank God, My Friend, that I was awakened. Yes, before the fire the biggest occurrence that has taken place in my life, which was during my sobriety has been finding My Friend (huh? I meant to say that) and for that I am so thankful. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't acknowledge it many times. Without question, everything is relevant to this. There is a reason, my friend. Let's continue.

So, forgiveness and apologies. Well, forgiveness can apply to both people involved. For myself, after thoroughly doing it I get peace of mind or serenity from it (a resolution), even if the other person involved is not available or whether they meant to hurt me or not. Or, they may not be sorry for what they've done, who knows? Regardless, I did it in the situation with the arsonist because I don't know if he knew that I was living in that house or not. But, my method was acceptance and then forgiveness, which was through My Friend. And by trusting and believing in that, absolutely! I mentioned something in Part 3 that I hadn't done yet (after I forgave him), but I've done it now. I was then introduced to hope, who led me to faith, who gave me peace, and I was hungry. It's called PRAYER and that's what I did.

In Part 1, I offered both an apology and forgiveness to myself. I don't think I mentioned this at the time, but I also apologized to My Friend and I was forgiven. (Huh? I meant to say that.) Accept it...and this you can believe. Anyway, applying prayer to myself and others is a must for me. The thing about prayer is that I have to do good things with it because that's what it's for. For instance, in Part 3, shortly after I forgave the arsonist I prayed that he would get his act together and get help. This was very hard for me, because at first I wanted to pray that he'd get his ass ("ass" is not a cuss word to me) pushed out of a plane or something. But, I can't use prayer for bad things. It doesn't work like that. Praying that he gets help from My Friend is beneficial for everyone. Now, the outcome is out of my hands and (My Friend knows that). I mentioned doing good things with prayer because My Friend is good. Using prayer for bad things doesn't work for me. (It just doesn't.) Well, I dang sure don't want it on my conscious. Also, My Friend isn't bad...doing good is what My Friend is all about. This is my catalyst. Oh! A "catalyst" is something that provokes an activity. Yeah, and "impulse" is the synonym. So this means that my impulse to do something should be good, right? That's kind of how I look at it.

Forgive and forget? I'm not so sure about that one. Forgive the arsonist, yes. But forget? I doubt it seriously. I may not think about it much one day down the road, but let's keep it real. You just don't forget about stuff like that. But, to live with it, through acceptance and move forward through forgiveness and prayer? Yes, this can be done. I want to add more to this forgiveness stuff. Just because I forgive someone doesn't mean that I approve of it. This is why prayer is essential. One doesn't go without the other. It's as simple as that.

Apologies. Well to me, this is seeking forgiveness. But without action on the apology end, it's pretty much worthless. And yes, it helps to know whether it's acknowledged or not, but it's certainly not needed. I'm learning acceptance and courage to change myself and move forward, by trusting and believing in the good of things, and to do just that. Absolutely! That's why following through on the apology is important, because it _should_ be. It's supposed to be.

With the apology that I made to my mom, well, it's most unfortunate that she hasn't responded. But, there's nothing else to do about it either. Prayer is important here also. As simple as I can put it, I just pray that she's alright. That's all. Oh, just to bring you up to speed on everything, it's been about two weeks since I sent her Part 3. I even sent it certified mail. Again, I haven't received a response and I'm not really expecting one at this point. In the meantime, let's keep rolling.

You want to know something? It's a funny thing about prayer. Yeah, it works with a combination of believing, trusting, and by seeking the good through My Friend. That peace or serenity from hope and faith is the difference. Yes, absolutely! By the way to believe, to trust, to seek, (also having hope and faith) are all actions to me because they require effort. Does that make sense to you, my friend?

It's time to speak with you again about that unhealthy lifestyle that I used to have with drugs and alcohol. This, along with so many types of lifestyles, if taken to the extreme is unhealthy. I believe it is. Listen to this one: I talked with an individual the other day and he knew what I really used to be like. Anyway, he asked me a question that made me stop, turn my head, and tilt it just a little. He asked, "How did you do it? Where did you start?" I looked at him and took my finger (the one I point with, not the other one) and as simple as I could put it, I pointed at myself and said, "It started right here." Then I took my finger and tucked it safely back into its holster and smiled. I again said, "Yes, right here." All he could do is smile along with me. You know, I pray that he's okay because he's still on the other side of that line where I was for many, many years...living on the edge. It's a choice, my friend. To expand on that just a little bit, it does start right here. It did with me, inside me (the man in the mirror).

Before I go for another dip (scuba diving), I have a question to ask you. Have you ever heard the phrase, "It's too good to be true?" I have. And yes, sometimes it is. But, guess what? Sometimes it isn't. Meaning, good things can come true. It's a choice. By applying good things in my life, I'm able to do good with it. Yep! What do you think?

TA DAAAA! My birthday is here! Yes, this is true and my eyes are very clear blue. Hey, that sounded cool...summer breeze makes me feel fine. Well giggle, this is a good thing. This is The One. Boy, oh boy! Howdy Doody! It's been a long time coming. Again, thank God, My Friend. You know, I woke up this morning with a fiddling grin on my face. (I usually do anyway.) But there was a little, just a little bit more curve in the turns of my mouth today. First, I'll tell you what I did yesterday. I went and bought myself a birthday card, some candles, and some big fluffy banana nut bread muffies (yummy!).

This morning, after making my way to the coffee pot and then having a cigarette, I found myself shuffling around in my slippers with my bunny rabbit hair and such, and I gathered up the party supplies (along with a glass of milk and a balloon). I sat down, gave myself a big hug, and commenced the celebration of a new life that I can surely be proud of. A choice. Happy anniversary, baby! I AM SO PROUD OF ME!

So a preface is how a book came into being. If that's the case, this book is me, a reason to be here today. Yes, it's why we're sitting here with each other, my friend. There are only a few people (including you) who know about this sobriety birthday. I don't talk about it much in my every day adventures with new people or friends, but it's evident to the people who knew me before. They've seen this new life of mine. (My Friend...well, He's known about it.)

I had to remove the elements that hindered my growth. My unhealthy lifestyle had to do with drugs and alcohol. But an overuse or misuse of anything can be unhealthy. I think you know what I mean, don't you? So after removing these elements, I must deal with me. I've got to learn about myself and get the math to add up correctly, 2+2=4. I also need to accept people, places, and things as they are. If I believe that something is unacceptable, I pray and trust in My Friend. It's the same if I'm around something that's just not adding up. I need to pray about it, and subtract (remove) myself from it, simple as that. I multiply the good of what I can do by my actions and then I divide equally among everyone or, 4 all. I try to treat others just like I treat myself because I'm good to me. I'm learning.

Anyway, many things are free in life. This gift from My Friend was certainly free to me. (Excuse me? Did you say something? I'm listening...)

You know, I think about my job and the amount of trust and accountability that I have. See, I'm a cashier at a car wash and I've held this job for quite some time now. I'm good at it and I believe that I'm an asset to this company. I don't plan to have a career there and I honestly told them this because I want to do more in life. But I go to work and commit to doing a good job. They know this because it shows. By doing what I've written about in the other parts of the book, I've established myself back into the community. I've become an independent, productive member of society by removing the elements that hindered by growth.

A close friend asked me recently, "Do you think about using?" The answer is no. Now, do I hear and see (and even smell) things that make me think of when I was using? Yes. That's a given. I play that picture out thoroughly...let the games begin...a game where everyone loses. An unhealthy lifestyle (like many). A choice.

Here's something that's on my mind a lot...I think about someone who I've never met, but I know him well because of conversations with my closest female friend. I reflect back about myself when I was the age that this young man is now. (I know now what I didn't know then.) It's interesting, though. It makes me wonder, how many licks does it take to get to the center roll of a Tootsie-pop? How many times did I do what I did until I finally saw what was going on and started searching for answers through my source, which is My Friend. (Your source too...your choice.)

You know, there are so many different scenarios for myself in seeking forgiveness or with forgiving others. Being able to find my part in whatever it is and just doing it. That's why My Friend is so important!

Pardon me! This just in...SPECIAL NEWS BULLETIN FROM COMMAND CENTER IN HOUSTON: I believe I've made a slight error. My mom doesn't live at that address anymore. The certified mail came back. A friend I know was able to look up a phone number online for aunt of mine. I spoke with her and she knows how to contact my mom and/or my sister. I just figured that my mom had always lived at the same place and not moved. Anyway, I spoke to my aunt for the first time in ten years and left my contact numbers with her. We'll see what happens. I'll tell you this much—there's an inside feeling (a good one) that's kind of weird right now because I'm actually awaiting a call today! Like I said, we'll see. Hmmmm...as it stands now, my mom hasn't read any parts of the book. ( _Hey, I wonder what happened to the first and second parts that were already sent?_ ) Regardless, this certainly puts an interesting twist on things. And now...BACK TO YOUR REGULARLY SCHEDULED PROGRAM.

So I'm taking care of business from the past by seeking forgiveness or giving it to others. Acceptance of this takes courage. Knowing the difference between what I can and cannot change takes belief and trust in My Friend. Yes. Now, the courage to change? That's on me. Changing myself (and my underwear) is a must. Ha ha ha ha ha! You know what I mean. By progressing with myself like I have done, I'm able to give all of my...well, I'll tell you in a while, my friend. All of this applies as well to today. Like, right now! Accepting the things that are taking place.

Pardon me please again! This just in...SPECIAL NEWS BULLETIN FROM COMMAND CENTER IN HOUSTON: WE HAVE LANDED! (I mean contact!) I just got off the phone with my mom. I may tell you about it later, but right now, it's all kind of personal. You understand, don't you? Thank you. And now...BACK TO YOUR... Oh, fiddle it! But, this is for certain: what I'm doing works! All of this...my new lifestyle...acceptance...seeking and giving forgiveness...prayer...application through belief and trusting in My Friend. There is a special prayer that I pray all the time and I'll tell you about it a little later.

It's somewhat early this morning and I'm getting ready for this last subject for myself in math class. And yes, my friend, you shall now receive the rest of the story, with a tip. But, before we start the engines, I must ask...

PRACTICE, PRACTICE, PRACTICE

How are you today, my friend? I hope you are doing well. And myself? Well, yesterday was odd (but in a good way). Although, today I would say that I'm doing okay. Thank you for talking with me (or reading with me). Really. Please continue. I appreciate it, because I do enjoy your company.

Being polite, nice, or courteous and having good manners shows a concern for another's well being (to care), I believe. It's important even on the days that are unsure...the iffy ones ("iffy" is definitely a word, I'm not giggling you!). I try to keep this in mind. I have to, especially on the iffy days. You know, the up and downers, the in and outers, and of course on the almighty slap you right in the face bad day (all day). As I said, I have to keep this in mind. But the good days are the easiest, yeah! (I try to stay on the good days because I'm for it and I like good.) Practicing good manners on the good days gets me ready for the iffy ones. Today it does show concern, and it's not fake or plastic (pretending should cover it), but I do it because I care.

I JUST CALLED TO SAY...

Yesterday I went to see a friend of mine who is also a friend to others. It was just a quick stop to say hello and to see how she was doing. She commented that she was a little busy that morning (as always, because of her job) but she was okay for the most part. She was ready for the weekend which was still a day away. She said that she needed to, you know, get some giggle done around the house, and do a little kicking back or maybe a lot of kicking back, and catch up on some reading (she likes to read). Just a house shoes, flip-flops, or barefoot day in shorts and a T-shirt atmosphere. I understood completely. I told her that my day was a little odd but not bad, and that I couldn't seem to figure it out. So we both just nodded our heads in mutual agreement with a slight smile bearing no teeth (a half grin). Maybe it was just a regular day, not very super-eventful. Then, after a very quick moment, all of the conversation ended. It was humorous to me. It was just a pause and then it was over. It wasn't like we were stuck on stop or anything (I used the word "stop" because I don't like using the word "stupid"). Maybe I was thinking that she was going to start off another conversation, who knows? I found it funny, though (I guess you had to have been there). Shortly before this pause, she had asked if I was perhaps feeling a little stressed out or overwhelmed about a particular situation that I've been going through lately. There are a couple of semi-biggie ones right now ("biggie" is not a word). But one of the biggie ones was the subject of our short topic and short talk of the day. So she was concerned. My response was that I was pretty cool with everything so far. As I said, she was busy and I was en route to see another friend that morning. I called a day later to say hi and have a good weekend and she related the same.

It shows concern to care. Saying hello, how are you, thank you, please, and have a nice day are some of the very many ways to show concern and appreciation. (Shaking hands and smiling helps.) It's just good manners and yes, it's dang good math! It's good, good, good!

ANSWER: IT CAN LAST A LIFETIME

Anyway, I try to use good manners, whether in restaurants, shopping, at work, while riding the bus or doing laundry, et cetera (that is how you spell etc.), or even just walking around. It works everywhere, even in bathrooms. ("Hello" and "excuse me" are about all you can say in the bathroom though. Oh! And, "Please, please hurry...I have to go! You can definitely use that one. Ha ha ha ha ha!) Yeah, just don't shake hands.

So, practice makes good (I know what word you're thinking of instead of "good", but I like good). In the past, being polite, nice, or courteous was not something I did well. And, I dang sure didn't appreciate anything. Heck no! I sure didn't. There was usually a fiddling motive behind anything nice that I did. You know what I mean? (Underlying.) I would be expecting something from it usually, like a way to get drugs. Again, it's about that unhealthy lifestyle. To do or say something nice was sniggles because I really didn't mean it. Really! No giggle! That's it! Yes, that was me right there.

Hey, here's one for you...if a first impression is a lasting impression, what happens if you only have one impression of me? Or, what if it's the last one I get to give? Those questions just popped up and said "hi" and "how are you doing?" And then they split.

You know, I've found that the consistency with being nice, polite, and courteous does go well, everywhere, all the time, with everyone, 4 all. I'm learning.

I WANT TO THANK YOU

Dang, I've got to tell you that yesterday sucked! Yeah, with some iffy thrown in on the side (as an additional item at no charge). I won't keep you long on it but I maintained my composure, you could say. (I tried to not let it seep through too much.) I called a friend around midday and it helped. She helped. You know, just talking with someone helps (and listening helps too). Thank you again for listening. I like to listen. (I have selective hearing sometimes, as you can read.) Ha ha ha ha ha! Well, I like to talk too! There should be a balance, though (take some out and put some in). Either way or both ways, I must get it done. Talk a little and listen a lot. Sometimes I have to talk a lot...that's just how I am...but this also means that I have to listen a lot more too. (Excuse me, did you say something my friend? I'm listening.)

RIDING ALONG IN MY AUTOMOBILE

Check this out. I've had the opportunity several times to view the exit of a valet parking garage during my daily routine at the coffee shop. Every once in a while, a vehicle pulls out at a mighty fast rate of speed and races up the street (track) to the customer pick-up (finish line). Of course, none of these vehicles are racecars, but they are sure being driven like one. So, I started thinking (free brain time again). You ready? Get set! Go!!

Let's use as an example a valet that I saw one time. From his driving we can see that he believes NASCAR is more than a spectator sport. And he probably has high insurance rates because he's young and he's also a "he" (not to discriminate). So, as soon as he finishes texting his girl (can't blame him, there) let's toss him the keys and head to the races. Once in the garage, he sees it. Imagine whatever vehicle you like, but I like nice cars...say $50k at least...500 series and up. Yeah, that'll do. Anyway, he now sees this car in pristine condition. (Let's watch his response.) "Dang! Holy Cow! Good Golly, Miss Molly! Whoo-wee! Hot diggity dog! What a peach!" Certainly happy isn't he? (And maybe a little hungry too!)

CHIRP, CHIRP (that's the alarm). As he slides behind the wheel, wiping sweat from his forehead with his shirtsleeve (heck, he's a valet, he had to run). He's grinning and checking everything out. Shall we? START YOUR ENGINES! Yeah, she purrs like a kitten. How about some air? Sure! And some tunes...LOUD! Soon he takes a moment to text his buddy about the sweet ride he happens to be sitting in, and then he dreams of driving in the race Sunday instead of just watching it on TV.

Here's one for you. Have you ever seen a car go from zero to 40 in one block? It definitely makes you look...maybe even longer this time because you immediately know that this kid isn't the owner. He's singing and popping the dash, and has the gas mashed to the floor. Hold up! There's the red flag!

Of course the kid plays it cool when he delivers the car to its owner. He's all "yes sir" and "thank you sir" and "have a nice day sir" as he reaches for his tip.

You know, I've done just what he did, many, many times. It makes me think of how I acted in a nice way toward someone only because I expected something from them. It was fake...plastic. (That's pretty much a false PRETENSE...dang big word! Tuck that word in your pocket for later.) It's like taking someone for granted or advantage of them...does that make sense? That's also in the same area as taking kindness for weakness.

No need to hurry, my friend, we'll soon be crossing the finish line and into the winner's circle...with a tip!

LAST LAP HERE

I met a person on the bus the other day and we talked about numerous topics. Because I want to be nice, I listened and then I started to care (see?) and be concerned (right on!). I talked a little (giggle!) and listened a lot (yeah, I know!). And just one more (and)...and I liked it! But anyway, I was giving my time to this person without expectation. I was caring and concerned (can you see where I'm coming from?). Remember the pause thing...that conversation with my friend? Well, we both did it. There were no strings attached. (What about invisible ones?) Catch that? Well, if there were, they certainly were not bad ones and I'll tell you why. Because, I was giving to her what has been applied in my life today, and she was treating me the same way.

IT'S A WINNING WORD (HERE'S THE TIP!)

Cool the engines. I've crossed the finish line and I'm in the winner's circle now with a healthy new lifestyle. There's something I want to tell you and it may sound weird or a little nutty. I've learned that I love people whether I know them or not (that's what the winner's circle feels like). Love...now that's a dang good four letter word (and also the tip!). Maybe you're laughing at me but it's really good math. If I love you then I'm going to be nice to you and give of myself, as much as I am able. This is what I believe today, so I do it.

You know, I like being nice and giving goodness to others because again, I'm good to me. Call it what you want, but I call it love. (It does sound a little nutty or crazy.) Hold on! Hold on! Now, I'm not talking about all that lovey-dovey giggle! Well, it could be but, I'm just saying that for the most part, doing something nice is an act of love. At two o'clock this morning, these three words came to me: "It's called kindness." An act of love is kindness. Yeah! At least it was nice to me when it came up and said "good morning". I woke up thinking ( _giggle!_ ) _what the heck?! It's two in the morning, go away!_ But then, I started smiling with all my bunny rabbit hair and such.

Yeah, kindness does not include, "Hey, mother-fiddle!" or "pecker-head" or other giggle like that (rude—should cover it all). It also doesn't include sympathy trips or kissing ass. (Did you get those two?). Kindness...an act of love. Pretty cool, huh? Well, right now I'm some what tired, but I'm learning.

Love. That's a good one and it has a wonderful ripple effect. I like getting my ripple effect from that which is My Friend (huh? I meant to say that). I've found that love covers everything in a nutshell (a nut like me). A nut that refused to move. Yes, it can and it does cover everything.

So happily and slowly (and a little sleepy) for I am growing old, I'm going to zonk out for a while, my friend.

AHHHH...NOW THAT I'M REFRESHED

I would like to talk about the word "compliment". I do it a lot. With dudes, I keep it pretty simple like, "nice tie" or "cool shirt" or whatever. Women, on the other hand, are different. I compliment them a lot because I'm just geared like that, and I happen to be attracted to women, not men. I also compliment accomplishment. I try to recognize what people can do really well, even if they do it better than me. I want to be encouraging.

I try to spread this kindness around evenly. I said some time ago that some people don't take kindly to it, but most like and enjoy hearing kind things that make them feel better or needed. They want to know that someone has concern (a care) for them. As I said a moment ago, it is act of love and they are to numerous too count.

I feel that love is how this started with me because nothing else could have taken place until I made a choice to seek forgiveness from myself and from My Friend. It allowed everything afterward to take place...the seeking forgiveness and giving it to others. Yes, it's an act of love.

I WANT TO SHARE SOMETHING PERSONAL WITH YOU NOW

I think about a comment my mom made when I first talked to her recently. She said that she had prayed this would happen. My response to her was that her prayer had been answered. Again, only by making a choice to love myself did I really realize what was up. I took a risk (good one) and have happily and slowly been progressing. This is also how much My Friend loves me and it was free. Yes, I'm in the winner's circle today.

When I talked to my mom I said I was sorry because I don't know what the future holds and what may be around the next corner. It could have been my last chance, or the only chance. I hope not, and I'm a little watery-eyed right now...I know...

LOVE, A DANG GOOD IMPRESSION

I'm going to resend my mom the first three parts. She'll read the same stuff that you are reading. I'm keeping things real with her just like I am with you. I will say that this was possible through My Friend and I'm still in awe about it sometimes. Yes, love or acts of love. It's a choice.

Back to that last impression thing again. This applies with everyone, or 4 all. Other than being a little silly, I'm alright today with everything for the most part. You know, at my job, I get paid no more or less for this type of stuff (acts of love). No tips either. I could just do my job and that's it. But here's another tip for you: it's pretty rewarding to give to other people what was freely given to me. (My Friend, an act of love.)

IS "GOODEST" A WORD???

Right now, I'm thinking about my close friend that I mentioned earlier. I asked her the other day if she was perhaps getting a little stressed out or overwhelmed about something she is going through right now. It's a semi-biggie thing too. She's okay for the most part, but I know it's tough. I'm there for her and always will be, because that's what friends are for, just like I am for many people in my life today. It's an act of love that should not come with any strings attached. You know, a lot of what I gain comes from sharing this with you. I don't have all the answers and I never will, that's a given. But guess what? I know some of them and they truly work for me. I found them and applied them to the goodest of my ability. (And yes, "goodest" is a word to me.) Again, it does work.

ALL YOU NEED IS LOVE, LOVE...LOVE IS ALL YOU NEED

You know, my mom told me she loved me before we hung up and I related the same. It's kind of different with people that I don't know or just met. I don't walk up and say, "Hey, I love you." But I can show it through acts of love, which are again, too numerous to count. Just like I have with myself.

Oh, that other thing I say to the mirror? Well, first I say, "I love you." Then while looking back at myself I say, "I love you too and thank you." Then, I say, "I love My Friend." And, while still looking back at myself I say, "He loves you too." I look up then and say, "Thank you." Then I say, "I want to love everyone." And, then I respond, "Then do it." Of course, I smile and say, "Have a good day." Yep, I do this every morning.

I'LL SAY IT WITH YOU

I also want to share a prayer that I say as soon as I open my eyes in the morning, and right before I close them at night, as well as periodically throughout my day. (That should indicate it's always needed.) Anyway I say, "God, My Friend, grant me the peace of mind to accept the things that are taking place, accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things that I can, and the wisdom to know the difference by seeking you, and to believe and trust in that...please and thank you...God's will be done, not mine, again, please and thank you many times." That's all. Prayer is a very good act of love. It's an active part of living my life today. Well, it is what it is. Giving all of my love is what I really try to do.

HMMMM...HERE'S A FAIR THOUGHT

Hey, I've got one for you. I know these pages are getting thinner now, my friend, but that doesn't mean that it ends. I heard somewhere that all good things come to an end. I'm not completely convinced of that...not all good things, anyway. Some can last forever. Okay, okay, I know. But hey! How about a good life? Would this be fair to say, my friend? It's a choice.

A DEFINITION FOR UNHEALTHY LIFESTYLES

A lot of times, I think about the word "adversity." It means: a condition difficult to bear. I think of the unhealthy lifestyle that I had and how difficult it was for everyone else around me to bear. Drug addiction is on the list of many unhealthy lifestyles. It's a hardship. That word, "hardship" is a synonym for "adversity." To endure something means: to put up with hardship. The synonym for "endure" is "bear". Simply put, no one should have to bear the difficult hardship (my lifestyle) that I used to have...including me. It's a choice.

HOW SWEET IT IS...

Lately, I've been forgiving many individuals while praying with My Friend at my little table in my apartment. I doubt very seriously that I will get an apology from some people that have done hurtful things to me, but I'm moving on with my life. All I can do is pray that they get help from My Friend. I've also been seeking forgiveness in person with many individuals if possible and I pray about that too. The rest is all on me, and I'm sure I've said that already. I've probably repeated myself a few other times (not that it's uncommon). Ha ha ha ha ha! But...oh well.

Anyway, thinking about love, or acts of love, makes me think of having compassion and even mercy for others, like My Friend had for me...you...well, everyone. (There, that should cover it.)

I'm appreciative today for what I have. I have many friends and that includes you, my friend. There will be more to come about friends (bank on it) in the epilogue thingy.

So, love will keep us together and it's 4 all, everyone. I know that sounds a little corny but it's true. And, sweet it really is...love, or acts of love.

We've come a long ways now, and before I depart I want to tell you that My Friend loves you (huh? I've been meaning to say that). And...well...I love you too.

Bye, bye for now...have a good day! I'm going to Disneyworld!

Thank you My Friend, all of my friends and thank you, my friend, for reading.

TOC

EPILOGUE (EPI LOG)

ALONG FOR THE NEW LIFE I'M FACING

...NOW standing in the corner of the ring is...hold on, I'll finish that out later.

And for the seventh time, again, let me say many times, thank God, My Friend...well, who is My Friend that I was awakened. (Huh? I'm so glad that I finally got to say that.) Wonderful! And that should be thoroughly clear by now. What do you think? Do you think? I think you do...yes, I accept and trust that you do.

I just looked up the word "epilogue" and it says: "A concluding discourse, or more simply put, a final completion of a discussion". That sounds about right. The word "epi" is an add-on word, and means "along". You already know that I am facing a new life and I'm certainly delighted to have you here with me. Thanks for continuing, my friend, along for the new life I'm facing.

So, what's love got to do with it? Everything.

I guess there are a few things that I've mentioned and said I would get to later. I'd like to start out with my dictionary which was a lovely gift from a super-douper smart friend of mine some time ago. It's one of those pocket dictionaries and I accidentally sat on it! Anyway, the lens cracked just a little bit, but it still works. I've been able to look up many words with it and will still do so, as needed for myself. I also haven't forgotten about that first word that I looked up and I'll tell you about it later. Okie-dokie?

Next, the Ripple Effect Syndrome. That was brought to my attention from another dear friend of mine (a true southern bluebell). She had said that it relates to metaphysics. Interesting. I then read a small amount about it, took the good of it and what a lovely effect it has. It's basically human energy (a vibe). Yes, we all project it and receive it from others. Human energy (or this ripple effect) is either positive or negative. It's as simple as that. Applying good and/or love, which is positive and then projecting out what I put into me is certainly my aim. That's why my source (My Friend) is of the utmost importance to me. Gut feeling and instincts are part of this also. Or how about, a big crowd at an event that has many different types of human energy rippling through. And of course, energies sometimes clash, as well, they attract. The ripple effect syndrome. Oh, I just added the word "syndrome" because I thought it sounded pretty cool. Ha ha ha ha ha!

Moving right along. I used to buy the newspaper but now I read one that a friend shares with me (I like the funnies but I also read different sections like the business part.) I like to read, think, and go about my day. This is the way I look at friends: If they were a dime a dozen, I'll take a dollar's worth because I'm on a budget and don't spare the change. I'll be back for more. Hey! Here's a penny for your thoughts. But yes, I enjoy and love my friends the same way I love myself and My Friend.

Friendship, a market. (BANK ON IT.) The capital and return is staggering. I hold onto my stock dearly, never to sell. Not one share (but I will share). There are some things that money truly cannot buy but love can, like friendship. I hope to retire with a vault full of it. Today I have many friends and they are a cherished commodity. Buy! Buy! By the way, it's a wise investment. I'm always adding to my vault. I put in what I get out. So what's love got to do with it? Everything.

And last but not least. Motives. I've mentioned my motives throughout this book. It's important to me to understand why I'm doing something. It's about trying to do good things and I like good. Just like My Friend is good to me. And that's a very lovely motive. It's pretty cut and dry. Motives are important because they keep me in check. I want to have self awareness about it. Some days are better than others but overall, the goodness wins. To be consistent in this is a form of self-discipline. The definition of self-discipline is: The capacity for keeping one's action under close control. The synonym is "will". This is why My Friend's will is important and He knows this.

You know, I've talked a lot about apology, forgiveness and acceptance. Then, trust and finally moving forward through prayer. Does it take a lot of courage to do this every single day? Damn, Skippy! Yes, it does. I muster it up somehow. I've learned that living this way also means not holding a grudge or using it as leverage (a tool).

I sometimes wonder how other people work through their own difficult stuff. Like, families of drive-by shooting victims, or the hit and run victim, or the person who is beaten or raped and can't remember anything about it. Situations where nobody knows who the perpetrator was (or does know and can't prove), so, there is no justice done. There are so many mysterious scenarios that are difficult to solve. And nothing of this magnitude could be easy to work through. Personally speaking, mine was not so easy at all to work through...so I understand on some certain level.

I think about living through that fire and honestly, I feel that the only silver lining of that situation is that I was awakened by My Friend. And for that, I'm so thankful, many times. That's as good as it gets. I'm not sure of who the arsonist is based on the picture I was shown back when all this occurred and even that face is starting to blur more in my mind...it's been a while now. As for the investigators, I believe they know he did it. (That's the feeling I got, anyway.) But, this is one case like many mysterious scenarios that is obviously difficult to solve. But with time and distance from that event I am able to process, forgive and move forward. That my friend, is all I can do and about as real as I can be on it. I hope and pray that I never, ever have to go through something like that again.

I'll tell you something. If someone I know has offended me and seeks forgiveness, I will give it and pray. If someone I _don't_ know has offended me, I will still forgive them and pray for them. Situations are different. I may even bring it up. Either way, I do it and keep rolling. Being willing to forgive is an act of love and the point I am trying to make.

You know, back when I started changing inside, I didn't apologize at first to anyone about my past behavior with them. Why? I believe that it was important for them to see the changes in what I was doing. Actions say a lot. And eventually, I did apologize. Being willing to apologize is also an act of love and another point I am trying to make.

As I write this, I've been anticipating another call from my mom. She's probably apprehensive or distressed because of the uncertainty about things. I can't blame her. I had told her initially that I would send the first three parts of the book for her to read, but I've made the decision now to send all four at once, as soon as Part 4 is finished (the editing). So, she's been kind of looking for them in the mail but based on talking with my friends and My Friend about it, it just seemed that sending all four at once was the thing to do.

Anyway, I certainly did get closure on this. I hope and pray that my mom doesn't ever have to go through again what she went through with me. I will say that she had the right not to respond to me, family or not. But, I'm so glad she did.

Fast forward—zzzzziiiiippppp! I just visited with my mom and had a wonderful time! I ended up giving her the four parts when we met. We had lunch and chatted for a few hours; nothing too personal, just reestablishing our relationship (a new opening). She called a day or so later after reading the four parts and she had questions about my turning point. The crossroads. She asked, "When or how did you know that your old lifestyle was done"? Growth that occurs over time is one thing, but making an instantaneous decision is different. The word "instantaneous" means: following without delay. The word "immediate" is the synonym. So let's try and back up on this.

Rewind___ pppppiiiiizzzzz! The very last time I used drugs...It was fucked up! Not like high, but ill because my body rejected it. The killing floor. I laid there and I knew...I just knew that this would be the last time that I was going to be like this. Something came from deep inside me said, "NO MORE"! That was the landslide that brought me down. It was kind of like the AH-HAAAA moment in my life. So I went to talk with someone. This friend and My Friend know this.

I've seen many methods of kicking unhealthy lifestyles. If it works, do it. I mean really works. I encourage it. Feeling that inside good stuff (a new life) after the thrill is gone is what I'm getting at. Do you understand? Yeah, you'll know you got it, if makes you feel good. Oh, yes indeed! Because being miserable in sobriety...well, that would suck, wouldn't it? But, winning the battles within...It's not the mountains that I see, but moving the mountains that are inside me (I like the way that came out...hmmmm), that has kept me going. It's true. I had to deal with my stuff...my issues and insecurities, etc. I had to be really honest about my shit and share it with someone like I have with you, my friend. You can always journal or talk with someone you trust. I did both. I think it's very important. Finding someone who will share is important too. Do you know what "communication" means? I just looked it up. It means: mutual involvement. Yeah, it takes two (My Friend makes it three). Hmmmm...two cups of coffee $3.30...gas to get there $5.00...finding a great shirt to wear__easy! The time sharing together...priceless.

You know, I can talk today with any number of close friends about any subject and get real answers. You've got a friend, I'm sure. And you certainly have My Friend. He's your Friend too. How about our Friend? That's the coolest thing of all about it. I've noticed that My Friend is very good about directing people into my life that have my best interest in mind. Dear Prudence they are to me.

Speaking of close friends...I remember something a close friend said to me a long time ago: "You stink." Well, I did. Recently, this same friend said, "I'm very proud of you." I've actually had all of my close friends tell me that they're proud of me. Here's another one from a different friend: "I don't like that idea," so I took the advice. This same friend told me a while back, "Whatever it is you're doing, keep doing it." Well, I am. And, I'm also still writing. So, time keeps on slippin' into the future. I say that, for I am growing...hold up! I just remembered another comment made to me when I first started journaling, changing, and growing. It was fascinating to hear. It was, "You're not growing old...nope, you're growing older." Hmmmm...that sounds pretty good and true. Yeah, for I am growing older. That's part of growing up...having a future.

You know, my mom also said that she was very proud of me. That was nice to hear. My step-dad and I talked the other day and it was pleasant to hear from him as well. We had an interesting conversation and he said he was happy for me. That was also nice to hear. I told him that I was sorry at some point during our talk. He kind of stuttered and then there was silence, and then more words (good ones). I also said some stuttered words and was silent, and then finally I said, "Let's leave it at that." It was kind of a moment of understanding that we could both interpret during the silent parts. It wasn't a bad thing. He said something else to me that really grabbed me, though. He said, "I'm impressed." That was kind of a choked-up moment for me because my step-dad is a pretty intelligent dude. I'm not blowing smoke up his ass, but he is. So it was pretty cool hearing him say that to me. And yes, he's still doing his part...doing what he's supposed to do.

Right now, I'm thinking about the word, "influence" which means to make a strong impression on. This sounds about right, because as I said, he's still doing his part...as a step-dad. A man. You know, he also said that it was good to have me back. I've got to tell you, it made me think about something then, and it really sank in while I was talking with someone, just waiting on the bus that evening. I thought about how many people really don't make it back. It's true. (Back in my time of dying) I used to say that the fortunate ones were the ones that got out fast. Meaning, dead. But let's go one notch away from dead...yeah, just one notcharoni (I assure you that's not a word) and exist like that...to be a rock and not to roll. (Meaning, stuff like the paragraph mentioning "skin and bones" and "dragging my ass" that Roxanne told you about in Part 1.) The realism of this is very true. Hmmmm...yes, "I'm glad to have me back". So I'm back in the saddle again and staying in tune with me and life. Yeah, that sounds real good today. What do you think, my friend?

Notcharoni? Damn that's pretty funny. I'm not sure where that word came from. Ha ha ha ha ha! Other than, off the top of my head.

Anyway, it's been my experience that living an unhealthy lifestyle completely conquers and diminishes the mental, physical, emotional, and financial parts of a person (it did me, anyway). But spiritually, was something that...I'm not quite sure how to put it...that part of me was definitely not there before. Now, after my turning point (which My Friend already knew about), that part was something else. Yes, the existence of whatever it is that you can call your Friend...well, let me put it like this: the existence of what I call My Friend is...is an experience. And well,...well, you just know it. Some things are definitely not easy to put into words. Anyway, have you ever been experienced? I have. The existence of the unseen is evident everywhere. My Friend. That's about as real as I can put it. (Excuse me? Did you say something? I'm listening. I like listening.) I'll tell you, that is a very valid statement about the existence of the unseen because someone is dang sure looking out for us. Acceptance.

While I'm on acceptance, you know how you sometimes come across someone who acts (I did say acts) like a real asshole? Well, I just came into contact with someone like that. It's like riding your bike and someone puts a stick in your spokes. Dealing with that is a pisser! But I must come to acceptance on this. Yes, people, places and things that happen to me. Or, how about my job gets rained out (can't stand the weather)? Or, the bus breaks down (not often but it happens)? Damn! Some of these types of situations are short-lived or maybe even permanent. When I come across this kind of stuff it's frustrating but I don't have to live an unhealthy lifestyle because of it. You know, there is a lot to be said about acceptance. First, dealing with places and things...well, they are similar to objects. Second, people. People though, on the other hand, have a tendency to think and feel. Well, I've tried talking with the bus...no response. I've tried talking with the rain (in the rain). It's a one-sided conversation. It's like saying, "stop!" to a pencil as it rolls off the desk. You know what I mean? With people it's different, though. I just have to catch myself and wonder what this person may be going through. I certainly don't have to continue to engage with them, or even respond to the conversation, if they are acting in a way that's bad energy (the asshole level). I'm not fond of allowing people to get to me (push my buttons, come on too hard in a bad way) but it happens and I just try and catch it.

Personally speaking, I know I can be somewhat different at times, mostly in a funny way (that's just how I am). And on some occasions a border line smarty pants. But, if I can get you to smile we're moving in the right direction. If it's important or serious, I can certainly get on that level too and give it my attention to discuss whatever it may be. "Give" is a good word and I'll say something about that in a bit, my friend.

Now, I'm finally going to tell you about that first word I ever looked up. The word was "humility" and it's a very lovely word. I have no clue why that was the first word or even what prompted me to look it up. And, I honestly didn't know fully what it meant. Regardless, here we go. Humility means: lack of pretense. (Pretense? Hmmmm—dang big word! Remember that word? Well reach in your pocket and pull that out please.) Pretense is "affected manners". The synonym is "airs" and it is: a behavior designed (which can be false) merely to impress. This is all leading somewhere and this is what I gathered from it. If I LACK a manner that is designed to merely impress, that's okay. That's good and I like good. I'll tell you, "good" is a well balanced word for me. And being good today for myself is not false. Maybe a little funny at times, but certainly not false. So, if I impress someone by being good, I'm okay with that. You know what I mean? Using humility to deal with people is my route so far and I try not to sway away from it. I also believe that it coincides with attitude. So humility is a lovely use in acceptance, especially with people. What do you think?

I smile and laugh a lot. You know why? I have reason to. If you ever come across me you'll find me conversing with someone (just chatting). Or, if I'm standing by myself, I may be looking down at my untied shoe asking it (the string) what it went and got itself into this time. Yeah, I speak out loud to myself (not like screaming and flinging my hands wildly or anything), just thinking out loud on low volume. It's kind of funny really. Ha ha ha ha ha!

Anyhoo, let me tell you about a lovely dream I had sometime ago (the sleeping kind). Yeah, My Friend is a dream weaver too. So, I'm dreaming and...it's not a spicy food dream where there's a penguin serving hot dogs at a tailgate party on the 20 yard line, aisle four of the grocery store and all of sudden someone hits a home run...heck yes! Nothing but net! No, it's not one of those. It was when I first started journaling. Check this out...so in my dream, I'm walking and then I sit down. I look to the side and on the ground the words (or statement), "Believe in me, the way I believe in you" were written. That's all. Then I woke up. I remember it like it was yesterday and I'll never forget it. I even told a couple of friends about it. I believe that My Friend wanted me to tell you about it. Pretty cool dream, isn't it?

Real quick, I know, I know, but about changing things that I can change (other than myself)...as far as my work goes, I can look for another job and keep the one I have until I find another one (and give respectful notice). That's about all I can do there. As far as riding the bus, I can work hard and save up to buy a car. It's as simple as that on places and things. But again, I have to remember that people think and feel. I can't change them as much as I'd like to because change must come from within them. I just have to do my good part and keep on moving on. That's all.

You know, talking with you about this people stuff makes me think about picking and choosing. I'm pretty cool with most people overall. I choose people to be around who are doing good with themselves. You know positive stuff. It's a given that we have to interact with people because the world doesn't revolve around any one person; it revolves around everyone. (And, it spins on its axis—that's some science book stuff there.) I'm choosing people who want to do good with themselves because I want that too.

It's a funny thing about doing good and dumping an unhealthy lifestyle. There doesn't have to be a big cost in fancy schmancy clubs, organizations, and retreats. I've seen them work for others. (Like I said earlier, if it truly works, roll with it.) It still comes down to the inside stuff, which is really up to the individual anyway. There has to be a REAL DESIRE to do good. See, I'm just a regular dude in blue jeans, tennis shoes (sometimes dress shoes), and a great shirt. No Hollywood movie star. I got rid of my unhealthy lifestyle in the very same environment that I got it from. And, I'm still in that same type of area, so to speak. I'm still clean and sober, so it can be done. Rest assured, if I can do it, even a caveman can do it. (I didn't say it was easy, though.) So what's love got to do with it, my friend? You know, there's two paths you can go on and there's still time to change the road you're on. I hope so.

Hey, remember in Part 4, I talked about a person who asked me how I did it and where did I start? Well, I saw him again recently and he asked me for a smoke. So I gave him one. And out of nowhere, he said, "Congratulations," as I was going to turn and walk away. I stopped, smiled (I threw him a little half grin), and said, "You can do it too." Then while he was walking away, he said, "Yeah! I'm gonna mumble-mumble-mumble-something someday!" It takes a REAL DESIRE. I just looked up the word "desire". It means: a feeling of wanting something. I know what that feels like. I personally feel that "desire" is a start and is definitely necessary but it's not good enough. Desire to me is kind of like an armchair thought or feeling. It sits because there's no action. There's another word that came about and this word is "perseverance". It means: hard work. Interestingly enough, the synonym is "purposefulness". Now that's an awesome word! We have purpose, my friend. Having a desire and purpose, regardless of what it may be, and doing good with ourselves in life...now that's a lovely motive!

There's not a whole lot more I can really say about it. (Well, I guess there is, but I won't__maybe.) But a motive, yes. Wanting to do good like I'm trying to do with myself was a lovely start (I mean motive). Well that IS a motive! Hey, I just had a thought! (I know, I know...but hear me out please!) I'm my motive! That's why this book has become what it is: a book. It's important because I'm important to me! (You know what I mean.) So, I'm doing something about it.

Guess what? You're important. You are. Well, you are to me. You're my friend, so that's important. I make time for me (this book), myself. My life depended on it. Literally. No shit! That's important. And, as I said, you are important too. That's motive enough. I'm listening. I like listening.

Again, we have a purpose, my friend.

It seems that after applying all this stuff a sense of dignity comes into play. Dignity means: positive feelings of one's social worth, self worth. That's a damn good word. (Guess what? My dictionary has a section called "Classmates".) The classmate for dignity is "self esteem". They have identical definitions. That's pretty neato!

Let's jump off into something else right now, okay? To "recover" means: to regain one's health. That's pretty clear. Yeah, I didn't even know the word "health" was in that definition. Understanding how unhealthy I used to be is different when I can see it from the other side now.

A form of redemption has taken place. I'll tell you why. I get coupons at work all the time from customers who turn them in and save money. The coupon says it must be redeemed by such and such date (and of course, not valid with any other offer). So I got to thinking (free brain time) and I had to look it up (not that this is uncommon). But, I wanted to make sure about the definition of redeem. It means: to recover ownership by paying a specific sum. The synonym is "save". Hmmmm... I've redeemed myself and now I'll tell you how. Check this out. I turned in an unhealthy lifestyle for a healthy new way of life. I recovered back ownership of my life by paying a specific sum. That sum being my unhealthy lifestyle. This saving came with My Friend and I get by with a little help from my friends. To me, getting by is about going through life and enjoying it with others. It's about sharing with others and being a part of other people's lives in a good way. That's one of the coolest aspects about redeeming...the relationships that are established. Especially the one with My Friend.

You know, it sucks sometimes to sit and chat with someone and then I don't see them again. Or maybe I've met someone a couple of times and then I wonder what happened to them. I guess people go their separate ways, you know? I really enjoy establishing relationships with people wherever I go because I enjoy being around others. I have a good daily routine. I always try and keep it fresh even on just regular days. I don't believe in the same ol', same ol' thing. There's always something or someone new.

So, can I please everyone? No, and that's a given. But I really try to do my good part and sometimes more. Learning is an every day adventure and doing good...well, sometimes I miss the mark but that doesn't mean that I didn't aim for the target. Being open minded to whatever or whoever allows growth and people into my life. It really does.

You know, my branches are firm and strong today. My trunk (base) is sturdy. My roots are well embedded and will not waiver. So, strength, growth, flourishing...there is a season for everything, turn, turn. Wow! My eyes are getting hazel again. That's funny! Ha ha ha ha ha!

I think about what I said earlier about not having to use because of anything that happens. It should be clear enough by now that there's nothing there to go back to. Period. Wouldn't you agree?

I'll tell you my friend, I believe that clarity, a most wonderful gift, is free. It's wonderful when you apply it. I'll tell you something else...My Friend showed me how to rebuild me. He's not only a veteran (remember?) but He's a carpenter as well...a builder of life. And that's wonderful! He also showed me how to catch fish....hmmmm...so I write. You see its all clear, you were meant to be here...from the beginning.

Anyway, I'm not sure about what you may have gotten from all of our conversations but hopefully, something good, my friend. I know it's a little book. But knowing just a little has gotten me a lot of gain in life (in a good way). I looked up "ignorance" a while back and means: lack of knowledge. Well, I'll always be ignorant...it's just part of not knowing everything, which essentially, will never change. I've found I know a little about love, though. It really doesn't matter if you are a dude or a chick because love doesn't discriminate. I believe the stuff I've touched on applies to both genders because it's something we all have inside. You know what I mean? I've looked up all of these words because I wanted to understand them. I've found that they really do apply in a lot of different ways. In this book these words have a purpose, in a good way, because as I said we have a purpose.

Do you know what the best part about waking up is (besides a cup and a smoke)? It's that I have. I've looked around enough to know that I want to go through time with this new life, however long that may be. And I'm truly enjoying it! I have something to ask you my friend. Do you have dreams? I'm sure you do...lovely dreams that I can only imagine. I have many too. You know something? I was lost for a long time. Now, I can pursue my dreams and yes, they can come true. So, what's love got to do with it? You tell me. I'm listening. I like listening.

Real quickly, I want to talk about relationships again with women and finding the right connection. Facing rejection or my rejecting someone is a given. (So, until then, I'm looking for my best friend.) You heard me right (best) and it even rhymes. It'll happen in due time and I'll just keep on looking. Yeah, the best is yet to be. That's all.

You know, just recently saw someone who I've seen before. This guy is blind and he had another guy with him, coaching him on how to maneuver with one of those stick thingies. YOU SEE, my point is, I personally don't have anything to deal with compared to what this guy has to do for the rest of his life. Though not unhealthy, he's stuck with this disability (like so many other common ones that are out there). And he has no choice over this. Mine was not even a disability. I CHOSE my unhealthy lifestyle which is a damn far cry from being afflicted with a disability. So can I ever justify using drugs again? Absolutely not! It's a choice. That's what it inevitably comes down to.

Now, I'll try to catch any remaining stuff that I may have overlooked in this book. I'm sure there will be something...I'm kind of clumsy that way. Plus, it was written by me, so it's not a perfect book (I'm glad of that). But good, yes, I believe it is...a good book.

You know, we've been reeling in the years and it's my story right here in black and white. It's important, as I talked about earlier. And when I said that I am or you are important, I don't mean like superior to others. I just mean that we matter. My Friend says that we do matter and I believe that. Understand?

When I first started writing this book, I spelled the word "clarity" as "clearity". Yeah, that's pretty funny and I'm kind of clumsy that way too. I know I can write good, I just can't spell well. I'm okay with that. (And editors are good at what they do...that's why they're there.) I've gotten help from a very dear friend that I love dearly, just as I do My Friend, and all of my friends and family...and you, my friend. Well, shit. I'm feeling a little warm-faced right now, so I'll stop with all that for the moment. What's important is that we've finally gotten together. You know what I mean?

Damn! My eraser is out! I've got a lot of short pencils with no erasers. Be right back.

There now! So love is a beautiful thing. It's a funny thing about asking for and getting good healthy advice. As I said earlier, My Friend is good about giving me direction to others. It also intertwines with my conscious, and the thoughts and feelings that truly do change inside and become visible to others. My Friend knows this. All of this allows me to be of service in whatever means or capacity to others. It's really fascinating sometimes. Yes, love is a beautiful thing and acts of this are far too numerous to count. How about a whole lotta love, my friend?

Wait! An interruption by someone...this is a good one! I was just asked what I was doing here at the table in the coffee shop, "Whacha doin'...going to school?" I responded, "Why, yes I am." Ha ha ha ha ha! I've had people ask me if I'm writing a book and some people know, but I'm pretty modest and low key about it. When they ask what the book is about I say, "It's about me, but it could be about you." That usually gets a chuckle but it's true. It very well could be about them, someone they know or know of. Personally, I like the one about going to school. I've even had people ask me if I'm doing homework. I say, "Yeah, Math." Ha ha ha ha ha! But it's true. I don't make too much hoopla about it. I've found that telling some people that I'm a writer just excites the shit out of them. I try and shy away from it but it's funny sometimes. I'm just a regular dude who's a good writter (I mean writer) but can't spell very well. That's all.

Oh, I've got some money saved in the bank again. You'd laugh at the amount but it's there. I'm not going to reapply for food stamps either because I believe I'm able to make ends meet. I'm just going to work harder and still live within my means. That's some of the independence stuff that I talked about earlier. (Actually all this is.)

Man, I have all these little bitty notes here!

I'm also trying to get these four parts squished back into one book after breaking them down separately. I sometimes get that impatient feeling to be finished so I can do more writing on different material. I've been doing some other writing here and there. Just living the dream (and a real one). Anyway, here's another that definitely applies to myself. And it was "patience". It means: "a quality of sticking to a goal." For myself, having goals, regardless of which kind, can be done today (and in a good way). Yeah, it takes patience, determination, and focus. I ask people what they enjoy doing. When they tell me, my response is always the same...make time for it and do it. Pursue it and do good with it. Criticism comes in life (it's a given) but it doesn't have to stop you. It should build and drive you. I'm doing it, but it could only, ONLY take place after I completely removed my unhealthy lifestyle. What do you think my friend?

Now something in relation to the word "give". How's it go? Uh....what goes around comes around? I'm not fully convinced of that. I'm just not. You see, doing good today (giving) is something I do because I want to. (Doing bad? I'm not cool with it...that's settled.) But doing good? It feels right. That saying about things coming back around is okay. But what if things didn't come back around? Would you still do good? Hmmmm...it's interesting. I personally believe it's that feeling inside that comes around when doing good is taking place. Yeah, now I'll go with that one.

What about this? What about doing good for bad? Yeah, doing good for good is too easy. But I believe that doing good for bad is where hope and faith (blind faith), through prayer, really applies. And maybe the bad will flip to a good. That's all.

And another thing, just because things don't always go my way doesn't mean that they don't go a good way. You know what I'm saying? I believe that in any situation, My Friend (your Friend—how about our Friend) will GIVE help. Choosing Him to help is a good way I've learned. All of that me, me, me shit is not a part of me today. Not that I don't like to have it my way sometimes but I can find a balance by choosing Him to play a part in my life. It does work! Is there a reason for everything? I would say yes. Why? Or, what? Well, I pass it by Him and the response is not always immediate as I want it. And on some things I may never get a response. That's a given. But, when I try sometimes to get what I want, I find that through Him, I get what I need (in a good way.) He provides. You want to know why? Ask Him yourself. I've learned that the process of relying on My Friend doesn't have to be a tug-of-war. I truly believe that today. (Excuse me, did you say something? He's listening. He likes listening.) Making lovely choices in my life allows so many wonderful avenues. Do you understand what I'm saying?

Anyway, I got my driver's license today! Another accomplishment.

Oh, I'm going to visit with my sister in a couple of days for the first time in a long time. I've been chatting with her a lot lately and I'm looking forward to it. I miss her...

I have a note here telling me to check my weight...196...I did it yesterday. And the thing about the initials left over from the soup thing? Well, I told them...It's personal.

Another one I have is about the question of loving someone too much. Well, if they don't want it...I understand. Personally speaking, it's harder to deal with when I didn't love myself. (No quarter.) It was quite apparent in the way I lived. So, I damned sure couldn't give love as much as I thought or felt I could do. So, my answer is yes, you can love someone too much. Watching someone crumble in front of you is hard. I've crumbled completely myself, so it's fair to say that I can call it like it is. Any type of love or acts of love can be too much for some people because they have to be able to receive it. How about pulling it away? It's tough. Or, even "tough love". In some situations it's needed. You have to consider enabling also...it's tough.

It's a funny thing you and I coming together like we have, my friend. Was it just interest or something you heard about? Or, do you like to read? Some will have already put the book down because not everyone wants something like this. I hope if you liked this book that you will pass it along or maybe even read it again. Somewhere, there is somebody who can benefit from it. I say that because, well shit...I did. And yes, love has everything to do with it. I know that giving is an act of love and it's a good thing. We can all do stuff to give to others. It may not be much but it's a part of having healthy feelings and thoughts. Like our Friend gives to so many today. That's what I've learned. Giving items and necessities that are within our means is cool. (My little favorite is wadding up a dollar bill, dropping it, and not looking back.) But giving time to genuinely listen and talk with others and giving time to My Friend is what I'm getting at and it's a part of my life. Establishing a personal relationship with Him and a solid foundation to grow from allows me to branch out. I've learned that the wisdom of knowing the difference between people and My Friend has given my life something worth living for. Not to say that people don't give me something to live for. My dictionary says that the word "wisdom" means: consistency with one's best interest. The fact of the matter is that I know My Friend has my best interest and yours at hand. His hands. His track record is good. And it was all given freely, so to speak. So, come on and take a free ride!

You know, I was just laughing with Him about that one because it really is free. Ha ha ha ha ha! It sure is! Yeah, and that song remains the same. I love the way that sounds. You know why? Ask him yourself. He's listening. He likes listening.

Boy, it's getting chilly out, now. The leaves are falling all around and it's time I was on my way. Thanks to you, I'm much obliged that you could stay... and chat a while. Hey, I'm going to meet a good friend, now. Just remember that we (My Friend and I) both love you...so enjoy your life...Bye-bye!

Oh! I almost forgot...NOW standing in the corner of the ring is...YOU.

Thank you My Friend, all of my friends and thank you, my friend, for being with me.

TOC

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You've just started sharing,

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Invisible strings you have,

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I lost mine,

By choice, that also comes to mind,

It doesn't feel very good right now,

And what else do I do, how,

Well, I approached it the other day, and it's been a long time,

And to have that back, yes,

Now comes to mind.

I've Said That One Before

By Del Nileppezs

I talked with someone that I don't really know,

Working through her pain,

It was beginning to show,

She cried, it hurt,

She hurt,

A very bad fall somewhere in life,

The rocks and dirt,

Cleaning herself up and wiping the tears,

Things she's been through for so many years,

Even though these walls were still there,

Trying to talk more, to remove a brick,

She couldn't, and all I could say then was that I cared,

A response, I finally heard,

Its okay, I'll be okay,

Such a simple answer, such surface words.

And for the situation it just didn't fit, okay

Relate If You Can

By Del Nileppezs

He came up to me for the change,

Just a dollar or two,

And what do I do?

I passed a buck,

The one at corner, she'll give the fuck,

Feed the fever,

At the butchers block cutting their throats with a cleaver,

I see it, I know it, the shit that they do,

It's a fucking madhouse,

Yes, I can relate too,

So, what now?

Passed that point, I made it out,

With determination,

No more of this deterioration,

And I can only urge,

A life that follows the savage surge,

Hanging on, and clutch to death,

Another fix,

I'll close my eyes and hold my breath.

It's over, I've changed

A Rhyme For No Reason

By Del Nileppezs

He reaches for the switch on a light,

A lamp that doesn't work,

Cause he sleeps outside at night,

Of water, he reaches for a drink,

Cause for thirst,

A bucket, now, his kitchen sink,

He has to dress with many clothes,

Cause for warmth,

Just a man, young or old,

Up from the alley to dust himself off,

A bottle and a square,

Cause to ease the shakes, a swig, with a slight cough.

And why does he do this? Cause

For The Other Who Suffers

By Del Nileppezs

To try, try, try...and no, not again!

When does it all come to an end!?

For the one that faces this...so much hurt,

Yes, painful, I know it hurts,

And it must feel like or can there be for you, nothing worse?

But to love,

Yes, to still love them...him or her?

And keep on and on and on and on,

Again, there may be nothing worse,

For you,

Stop, start, stop, start...why me? Why?

Why, you ask does it keep happening?

My God why!?

And a downward spiral, will they die?

A view you have from up top, with your tearful eyes,

Uneasy the answer is...yes, they will and already are inside.

And you're being pulled with them to share in their pain

I Believe You Can Do It

By Del Nileppezs

A letter, I read the other day,

Yes, I reflect of when I was once that age,

At that age, I didn't have a clue,

Life then, was still fresh and new,

Words, yes, they can mean a lot,

At my age now, was to completely give it up,

At that age, words sound great,

It's part of growing up, and words to action,

At my age now, no longer this is a revolving gate,

At that age, words I surely hadn't meant,

So long after,

At my age now, do I realize the hurt and sorrow that was sent,

At that age, there was plenty of life left,

And finally,

At my age now, a new life had to be applied to myself,

At that age, words like this I thought were a game,

A choice I made,

One day you'll be at my age now, and I pray that you don't truly know about this pain,

The letter you wrote, I know it well,

I hope you never have to write someone who was once your age, about a living hell,

And at my age now, to live and tell,

At your age now, you can make it too,

Yes, you can do,

It's never too late, because,

At my age now, a choice I made, and a new life can come true.

A Response To A Friend

By Del Nileppezs

The guy you knew eight years on the street,

They were rough times when we did meet,

With drugs and alcohol, and nothing to believe,

Especially of myself on these two feet, yes, this was me,

And much more than eight, so many did see,

A hard core life ended, a new life beginning,

And on these two feet, yes, this was me,

Pain, sadness, anger, and fear?

I finally faced them when I looked in the mirror,

A new out look, a happiness that's inside of me,

With the man in the mirror and God, which I now believe,

And on these two feet, yes, this was me,

Let me say for all those years, that on His two feet,

Yes, I know He carried me,

He guides me now on these two feet, yes this is me,

Walking strong today, I do on these two feet,

Yes, you know, that this is me,

Giving it up was my only way up, and the only way out,

But, yes, through God, is what it's truly about,

And today, always standing next to me,

Yes, I know that it is He,

One day at a time, sometimes a second or minute,

This for sure, God, is always in it,

So today, time will lead me where I want to be,

A new life that you and others can clearly see,

And with God, you, and my friends all walking with me,

Yes, I'm standing on my own two feet,

Today, yes, this is me.

I Just Figured I Would Share This

By Del Nileppezs

Where did you come from and what's inside?

I would like to know,

Through sharing it will show,

Sharing is not favor, its part of giving,

Yes, sharing is part of living,

What holds you up when no one's there?

Hope,

And I hope this writing shows that I care,

To teach to love?

I've found it comes when I don't shove,

To handle it all by myself?

Love like sharing, it's not by itself,

To take off layers by uncovering the you or me?

By keeping it real can be a relief,

Being true to yourself, or me to myself?

It's also not weak to do this with someone else,

And ghosts from the past?

We all have them, only by sharing could my life last,

Angels, yes, the angels,

Each side of the shoulders, hanging there, at times even appearing to dangle,

What to find?

By sharing, a past now can be put behind,

Hope and Faith, I'll add, without a chance,

With hope and faith, our lives, we can enhance,

And the inside cries?

Through windows I see, a window the eye, even though the tears we try and hide,

I can have my clues,

But by sharing,

I can know the real you.

Relationship

By Del Nileppezs

A woman and man,

How long together will they stand?

Forever, but over time without true love what happens then?

Either one gives up or the other gives in,

Maybe, many different things,

But the wonderful song that you once sung, you no longer sing,

By giving all that you have to give,

Lost its cause sometime ago, so long as you both shall live,

Love to misery, it turns,

In search of another it now does yearn,

The love you had was very strong,

But staying in love, what went wrong?

Myself and others have experienced this,

So it's staying in love is what I truly miss,

Someone else, someone else, someone else,

Awaiting the other, the one, yes, to be as one with someone else,

To wonder about this, do I love them or they me?

Truly staying in love, yes, being in love, for there is no need.

To wonder

A Drop In The Buck-et

By Del Nileppezs

A dollar I took and wadded it up,

I know, just a dollar

Not very much,

And it really isn't,

But to someone soon, a little present,

Myself, it certainly helps,

Just to give,

Yes, giving to someone else,

So I'll drop it and not look back,

Then it will sit along a sidewalk crack,

And who will get it, honestly I'll never know,

But yes, another person it will go,

To pick and choose?

Well, sometimes I do,

But this little dollar, I'll never know who,

Rich or poor, white, brown yellow or black?

Will find this sitting,

This little dollar along that side walk crack,

And some good I hope it can do,

One little way that I pay my dues.

To give without knowing

The Hopeful Romantic

By Del Nileppezs

When will I meet you or have I?

When will I?

For that special day or even night,

When will it happen or has it?

When it's you, yes, her,

My best friend, my significant other,

When it's for the best,

When you're set aside from all the rest,

Yes, when?

So until then,

I'm looking for my best friend.

A Step To Remember

By Del Nileppezs

On a set of steps, it's just God, you and I,

And some time since this step, I now know why,

A cigarette or few,

So much I remember,

And in my life, so much I had to do,

Steps,

Inch by inch, a foot to more,

A friend you've been,

Yes, you've been there for.

Thank you both

My Card

By Del Nileppezs

Less than a week to go...progress, yes, much progress,

So much of this has been made, and my birthday comes,

With my life today, I no longer shun,

Things are going good...I have to say well, yes, very well,

Little in tears, more in smiles, and certainly laughs,

Today, I can live and tell,

What does it all mean...a lot, yes, quite a lot,

Honestly everything I have, I've worked for, I've earned,

Everything I've got,

Friends...priceless, yes, ever so priceless,

Today in my life they are,

With me always, wonderful it is here and afar,

Family, my family...I have, yes, I have them today,

Words to speak, to describe, my heart this is from,

I'll put it like this, how good it is to be a son,

All of this mentioned and even more...a wealth, yes, an awesome wealth,

Another birthday to have and many more for myself.

To Take Means To Listen

By Del Nileppezs

It's kind of different,

To be willing to share,

A give and take that lessens the dare,

The higher that we build our walls,

Farther apart from each other we will fall,

Wanting to be understood?

Well, I would,

And I do, don't you?

Hey, it's just a conversation between us two,

So brick by brick, and chip by chip,

These walls come down with words from our lips,

Yes, to start some where,

With someone, anyone,

A willingness to share.

Ask Him Yourself

By Del Nileppezs

To forgive and apologize?

With myself or others,

Knowing this much, I've come to realize,

With God as my source,

And not sway from that course,

Through prayer, belief and trust,

With hope and faith,

In my life,

God becomes a must,

By learning to really understand,

Through Him and move forward,

Yes, I can.

Use And Never Cease, Remix

By Del Nileppezs

God, My Friend,

Thank you many times,

Please, I had asked, and yes, You did send,

When I believe and trust, change can come true,

A wisdom to know the difference by seeking in You,

Myself through You, I was made a new man,

By accepting the things I cannot change,

And the courage to change the things that I can,

Giving me a peace till we're face to face,

By accepting the things that are taking place,

To live my life for the rest of this time,

God, grant me the peace of mind.

THE END

###

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Del is now in his third year of sobriety and resides in Nashville, TN. His second book of non fiction is now under way.

MORE BOOKS PUBLISHED BY HOUSTON C. SUIT III

Ants Can't Talk

(This is a children's rhyme available at Smashwords.)

ADDITIONAL INFORMATION

If you would like to share your comments about my book, just connect to the email address listed below. Please put (My Motive) in the subject line.

And for more information concerning (I.O.U. E.t.sc.SM) or you would like to help, please connect to the email address listed below.

mailto:houston@714live.com

AN EXCERPT FROM: MY MOTIVE, MY BOOK

A creative non-fiction by Del Nileppezs

...There's not a whole lot more I can really say about it. (Well, I guess there is, but I won't—maybe.) But a motive, yes. Wanting to do good like I'm trying to do with myself was a lovely start (I mean motive). Well that IS a motive! Hey, I just had a thought! (I know, I know...but hear me out, please!) I'm my motive! That's why this book has become what it is: a book. It's important because I'm important to me! (You know what I mean.) So I'm doing something about it.

Guess what? You're important. You are. Well, you are to me. You're my friend, so that's important. I make time for me (this book), myself. My life depended on it. Literally. No shit! That's important. And, as I said, you are important too. That's motive enough. I'm listening...

Edited by Roxanne Lee

TOC
