Welcome to Game Of Thrones season 2 – Crammed!
Thanks for all the comments on season 1, I
hope you’ve given it a watch because we’re
gonna dive right in!
We begin with the hound beating the shit out
of somebody for the entertainment of king
Joffrey on his nameday, but up next is a drunk
knight called Ser Dontos who Joff is gonna
have murdered gluttony style for turning up
late. However Sansa pleads for his life and
Sandor subtly backs her play.
Tyrion is in town back from the war and pleased
to see his family - and Joffrey, and it looks
like he’s gonna instil some order. Sansa
plays the perfect hostage and Tyrion meets
with Cersei and the small council to act as
hand.
Cersei isn’t happy to see him which is great,
and Tyrion gives her stick for loosing Ned
and Arya thanks to poor management. And the
fact she has no control over this creep.
T-Dog is settling in Ned’s old tower of
the hand with his secret whore Shae while
Littlefinger and Cersei rub each other the
wrong way.
Up at Winterfell the old lords test Bran to
see how easily he’ll roll over, but with
Maester Luwin’s advice he’s doing ok looking
after the place with Robb in the field. He
starts to have dreams where he is in the body
of his Direwolf Summer, and spies a red comet
in the sky. Osha their wildling housepet says
the comet means different things to different
people, but claims it’s truth is the coming
of dragons.
Speaking of which Dany and her ragtag leftover
khalasar are marching through the red wastes.
They’re sore and tired with the horses dying
of starvation - but they must cross because
all other directions hold danger and those
that would kill them and steal the hatchling
dragons.
She sends her bloodriders off to scout the
land in all directions for signs of hope,
and follows the route of comet herself. Her
story is gonna be pretty thin this season.
North of the wall the Night’s Watch stop
at Craster’s keep, Craster being a wildling
who is friendly-ish to the Watch and has a
habit of marrying his own daughters to gain
more daughters. Jon and Sam wonder what happens
to his sons but in the hall Mormont is seeking
information as to why all the wildling villages
have been abandoned.
Turns out they have all gone north to join
the King-Beyond the Wall, Mance Rayder, an
ex-brother of the Watch, who is gathering
a huge army.
And despite being hidden far away over at
Dragonstone during season one, we finally
see what Stannis, dead king Robert’s older
and less fun brother is up to. Turns out he’s
spending all of his time in the company of
the Red woman Melisandre, a priestess of the
Lord of light who has a massive boner for
burning things and religiously converting
everyone in a bid to help Stannis claim the
throne.
This new religion is upsetting a lot of the
oldschoolers however, so whilst we get a flavour
for how just and stubborn and humourless Stannis
is, their Maester tries a suicide poision
wine attack on Melisandre, but her magic appears
to be too strong.
Don’t forget the North is at war with the
South, So King Robb checks in on his captive
Jamie Lannister to give him some wolf heebie-jeebies,
and tells him that Stannis is sending ravens
to everyone saying he’s the next king in
line because Joffrey and co. are just incest
babies between Jaime and the Queen.
Robb sends terms to the Lannisters about staying
out of the North forever and Theon who’s
the son of Balon Greyjoy of the Iron Islands
suggests he go back home to convince the Krakens
to lend their ships to Robb’s war. Catelyn
thinks that letting Theon go is a terrible
idea, but her job is to go South and meet
with Renly, dead King Robert’s other brother
who tried to warn Ned back in the day and
see if he wants an alliance with the Starks,
because like Stannis, he’s also claiming
the throne for himself as king, despite being
the younger (but more popular) brother.
And to wrap things up for the Day Joffrey
has the gold cloaks go around killing all
of king Robert’s bastard children, including
babies! So that nobody can compare their Baratheon
bloodline features to that of the golden children.
Good thing Gendry has been sent off with Arya
then amongst the recruits for the Night’s
Watch!
In fact whilst Arya is pretending to be a
boy and annoying the worst of the criminals
form the dark dungeons, including this mysterious
polite person, Goldcloaks rush up to claim
back Gendry, although Arry assumes it’s
for her, but Yoren ain’t taking no shit
as this ragtag group now belongs to the Watch.
Most of who by the way are still loitering
at Craster’s Keep. With the rumours of Craster
sacrificing his sons, Jon follows the man
during the dead of night and glimpses what
looks to be one of the Others taking the baby
as sacrifice – Oop! Watch out! Ah too late.
Craster is pissed off at Jon for snooping
around and despite the fact that he’s sacrificing
babies, Mormont decides is just time to move
on (finally). And although Sam wants to take
Gilly, one of his pregnant daughters with
them, they’re marching North, the wrong
way.
Back down in King’s Landing Varys visits
Shae and Tyrion to basically drive the point
home that there are no secrets kept from him,
and explains that it’s important to have
friends that can be trusted.
While in the city’s weird brothels where
- ugh gross! Oh no mate! - some of the whores
are feeling sad that a baby was killed here
the other day. But Littlefinger makes it clear
he doesn’t care for sad girls that can’t
make him money.
On the topic however Tyrion invites Janos
Slynt up to dinner, the leader of the Goldcloaks
who turned on Ned Stark’s men in the throne
room last season and further went round killing
all the bastard children earlier. You see
Tyrion doesn’t like scumbags, so Slynt is
gonna be joining the Night’s Watch whether
he wants to or not. And now Bronn is charge
of the Goldcloaks! Not that he’s a particularly
good person either, just on Tyrion’s payroll.
Oh and despite being terrible Cersei actually
thinks she’s the only one round here keeping
things together! And she further tells Tyrion
that he murdered their mother, who died whilst
giving birth to him, which is just really
harsh.
Theon Greyjoy sails home for the Iron islands
to help Robb win his father over to the war,
and he’s all excited about being an important
Prince returned home. He talks bit about their
culture of raping and pillage and salt wives
and - Oh bloody hell mate.
But once he’s there nobody seems to care
that much and no one is out to greet him.
Until this cheeky girl offers to escort him
up to the castle on her horse like some kind
of Uber. Theon spends the ride trying to get
friendly and going on about how awesome he
is like a real mouthy prick, but once he gets
to the Castle his Father thinks Theon has
grown to be a soft boy of Winterfell and the
Starks. He’s forgotten that these hard bastards
don’t buy pretty clothes, but claim stuff
for their own. In fact Balons planning on
claiming a crown for his own too (seeing as
everyone else is doing it) by attacking the
North.
Basically Theon grew up with the Starks as
a ward because the Iron Islands rose up in
rebellion a while back which was crushed accordingly.
So Balon isn’t too happy about that, oh
yeah and that cheeky bird is actually Theon’s
sister Yara, who is more of a Kraken than
he is – awkward!
Down on Dragonstone The faithful Onion Knight
Ser Davos convinces an old pirate captain
friend of his Salladhor Saan to lend his fleet
to King Stannis’ cause in return for the
plunder of King’s Landing when he takes
the throne. Davos Seaworth used to be smuggler
in the day but he’s basically just a real
honest and simple loyal guy now in support
of his King. But he’s not taken on the new
red faith of Melisandre quite like the others
have.
Stannis likes the fleet, but he doesn’t
have enough strength to beat his younger brother
Renly in the field. Melisandre suggest that
he give himself to her directly so that she
can bear him some kind of son (Despite him
having a wife). So of course they have sex,
because if you’re not killing somebody in
this show, you’re banging them.
Bran’s wolf dreams become stronger, often
running in the woods in the body of Summer.
Maester Luwin is more a science guy however
and doesn’t believe in such forces, although
he does admit that long ago there were such
things as dragons and magic and the children
of the forest.
Catelyn travels down to meet Renly and his
host, who are taking things easy and having
a melee. Looks like Loras is beaten by a woman
called Brienne of Tarth, who joins Renly’s
Kingsguard as her prize. Meanwhile Renly promises
to bring Joffrey’s head to Cat when he takes
King’s landing, despite a little bit of
my King versus your King friction.
Renly is well loved but not as much as he
loves Loras, despite being married to his
sister, Queen Margery. She doesn’t really
mind but if they don’t get down and have
a baby soon there’s gonna be a problem.
Over on Pyke Balon Greyjoy plots to pillage
the North with his ships while Robb heads
South. Theon gets a hard time from his dad
and sister for being a weak Starkling at heart
and is eager to prove himself.
Now he does almost send a letter to Robb as
warning but decides to follow the dark side
and be a Kraken instead. So he joins the faith
of their drowned God – and nobody’s impressed.
In order to keep her secret Tyrion has to
set Shae up as being a scullery maid, which
she doesn’t like at all, and over a Royal
dinner Sansa tries not to cry her eyes out
at the prospect of having to marry Joffrey.
Well Shae is her new handmaid now, and I’m
sure that’s all gonna be fine.
Tyrion tells grand Maester Pycelle of a secret
plan about marrying off Princess Marcella,
and he also tells this to Varys and Littlefinger,
but each time a different version, all as
a cunning trick to discovering who’s informing
on him to the queen. Spoiler alert its Pycelle.
Cersei and Littlefinger are pissed off at
being tricked, whilst Varys congratulates
the power play before Tyrion pops in on Pycelle
and has his beard cut off before throwing
him in a black cell.
On their way North Yoren Tells Arya about
holding grudges and dealing with trauma, just
before the Goldcloacks return to attack the
group with the help of Tywin’s man, ser
Armory Lorch. Yoren is a badass who despite
a crossbow bolt takes down a handful of men,
but he was only one against many and now it’s
time to fight and run. Fire spreads in the
confusion, and Arya gives an axe to the guys
from the black cells to escape with. However
the kids are captured and Needle is stolen
by this asshole who casually kills another
boy. But Arya smartly claims he was Gendry,
the boy they were after anyway, basically
saving this guy’s life.
The Stark armies are still smashing the Lannisters,
and after another win he takes a shine to
this Volantis girl while she saws off a guy’s
leg. Romantic. She plays hard to get and Robb
likes it.
Oh God back to Joffrey again, because his
armies are losing he has Sansa punished and
beaten by his Kingsguard at court. But before
she’s fully stripped Tyrion steps up and
remind Joff what happened to the last Mad
King when he kept doing whatever cruel things
he wanted. Ser Meryn doesn’t like people
talking back to the King, but Bronn is here
and Bronn can kill him. And Tyrion is impressed
at Sansa’s resolve at playing the good hostage
despite everything.
So he gets Joffrey some whores for his birthday
in the hope that getting laid might chill
him out a bit, but instead he has one beat
the other horribly at crossbow point, because
he’s just that kind of king.
Cersei’s cousin Lancel tries giving Tyrion
a hard time on her behalf for imprisoning
Pycelle. But he’s a dumb idiot and Tyrion
gets him to admit that Cerseis been banging
him too. So now worried for his life Tyrion
gets Lancel to continue keeping her happy
between the sheets as long as he informs on
her for him.
Littlefinger visits King Renly as he marches
to meet his brother Stannis in a manner that
hints at scheming but leads nowhere, because
he really wants to meet with Catelyn, who’s
really unhappy to see him since the whole
betraying her husband thing. He lies and says
that both her daughters are captive at King’s
Landing and suggests that she swap them out
for Jamie Lannister, then he returns Ned’s
bones courtesy of Tyrion.
In reality Arya and the other captive boys
are taken to Harrenhall as prisoners. This
castle has a cursed history and it’s currently
being run by the Mountain, who picks a new
person to be tortured to death every day.
After a horrible few nights it’s eventually
Gendry’s turn, but just in time Lord Tywin
Lannister arrives to make this his war H.Q.
and has the prisoners put to use around the
place instead of being just tortured. He clocks
that Arry is in fact a girl and makes her
his new cupbearer.
And reaching the edge of the Red Wastes one
of Dany’s riders report they have discovered
the city of Qarth, which might be their only
hope. So they all head over but there’s
a bit of a culture clash at the gates and
they risk being barred entry and left to die.
However one of them called Xaro Xhoan Daxos
vouches for her out of dragon curiosity and
things are finally starting to look up.
Stannis treats with his brother Renly - One
is the older and more rightful king, the other
better loved with the larger army – But
Catelyn doesn’t have time for squabbling
and tries to remind them all of the common
enemy, the Lannisters. No good comes of the
meeting however and the threat of battle between
their two armies looms for the next day.
That night however Stannis gets Ser Davos
to pick up his former smuggling skills and
sneak the Red Priestess into a cove near Renly’s
location. If he wasn’t unnerved by her freaky
sorcery before then he sure now. Because Melisandre
gives birth to a living black shadow that
takes dark form.
Meanwhile Renly and Catelyn seem to reach
a late night accord, agreeing on a Stark & Baratheon
alliance. But in sweeps the shadow with the
face of Stannis and it Kills Renly before
disappearing. Some of the guards think Brienne
must have done it, and Catelyn escapes with
her before people get rash.
Brienne sees a woman’s courage in Catelyn
and enters into her service, so long as she’s
allowed to kill Stannis in revenge.
So with Renly now dead Littlefinger schemes
with his former Queen before Stannis arrives
to take charge of his army. Davos tries to
tell Stannis of the creepy shit he saw the
other night. But for some reason the King
will not hear of it. Though does concede to
leave Melisandre at home when he attacks King’s
Landing.
In the capitol Cersei drinks to the death
of Renley (she’s been drinking a lot lately)
and Tyrion discovers that she’s planning
on using wildfire to defend the city, a highly
volatile and dangerous kind of green napalm
that the alchemists are brewing up for her.
So Tyrion visits the alchemists himself to
discover huge underground vaults of the stuff
and takes over the operation instead.
Theon gets mocked by his new crew and hatches
a plan to actually make a sneak attack on
Winterfell, a grand prize that will hopefully
make the Ironborn respect him. Despite having
been raised there.
He attacks a town, 40 leagues from the castle,
and Bran in response has Ser Rodrik Cassel
take two hundred men over to defend it, leaving
Winterfell essentially unguarded. It’s then
that Bran tells Osha he dreamed of the sea
coming up and washing all over the castle.
At Harrenhall Tywin is unaware that his cupbearer
is actually Arya Stark and she discovers that
one of the prisoners they were travelling
with has somehow embedded himself as a Lannister
solider. Because Arya saved his life and the
two chained up with him, this strange guy
offers to kill three people for her in return.
So first off the top of her head is the Tickler
who was torturing people earlier, and boom
falls and breaks his neck.
The Knight’s Watch make it up to the fist
of the first men, an ancient place where they
set up camp and meet with more black brothers
from the shadow tower, led by Qhorin Halfhand,
a tough gnarled ranger who plans to sneak
over to the wildling army and kill the king
beyond the wall before they organise an attack
South. Jon volunteers to join them and a small
team of five head out.
In the City of Qarth Dany and her crew are
treated as honoured guests of high society,
and she is further welcomed on behalf of the
warlocks by creepy Pyat Pree who advises her
to come visit them at the house of the undying
sometime. This party is full of odd strangers,
as a masked woman warns Jorah to stay by Dany’s
side and guard her against those that would
take her dragons.
Xaro offers to marry Dany, and with Westeros
split, half of his wealth could buy ships
and an army for her although he’ll want
a Dragon in return, and it becomes clear that
Ser Jorah is in love with her while she mulls
things over. Dany tries to get ships independently
from the rest of the 13, but fails.
06
Theon has led a sneak attack and claimed Winterfell,
and Bran is just like: “Why I thought you
lived here!?” He convinces Bran to yield
the castle, but everybody calls him a scumbag
to his face, and in order to look tough he
has to Kill Ser Rodrik for spitting on him.
He even manages to make a pig’s ear of that.
- Aww god I hate you!
Jon and the Shadow Tower men are out to kill
some wildling scouts before they raise the
alarm on the rest of the Watch. They sneak
up for the kill but Jon catches a girl, and
they question her but she’s fearless. Jon
is left to finisher her off but he hesitates
and she escapes for a bit before he then takes
her as a prisoner.
And then they cuddle up in the cold while
she’s tied up, so I don’t really know
what Jon thinks is happening right now.
Princess Marcella is being shipped off South
to Dorne as part of an alliance, and Cersei
tells Tyrion she will take away someone he
loves for this - Lovely! On the way back from
the docs however the crowd turns nasty on
the royal party, so Joff wants them killed
and a full on riot kicks off!
The fat Septon is torn apart, and after the
Goldcloaks rush out Joffrey, Tyron gives him
another good slap for being such a stupid
piece of shit. Sansa is almost raped but saved
by the Hound who returns her to the Keep.
At Harrenhall Arya crosses paths with Ser
Amoury Lorch, so she puts in a panic-request
with Jaqen H'ghar (her mysterious murder friend)
who gets to Lorch just before he gets to Tywin.
And Littlefinger (who seems to be travelling
everywhere) visits Tywin to suggest a Tyrell
alliance, by basically having Margery marry
Joff instead of Sansa.
Robb and that girl he likes flirt some more
at the camp but his mum is back for the cock-block
and reminds him he’s betrothed to a Frey.
Roose Bolton delivers the bad news however
about Theon taking Winterfell, but Robb can’t
afford to march back home during the war,
so Roose offers to send word to his bastard
son Ramsay to go kick Theon out.
Seeing as Osha was part captive during the
good times, Theon decides to free her after
she takes off her clothes! But after some
bed-fun she helps Bran, Rickon and Hodor escape
with the wolves.
Meanwhile Dany’s not really getting anything
done in Qarth until her dragons are stolen
and someone and some of her Dothraki killed.
Where are my dragons?
So Theon’s angry that the boys escaped and
doesn’t like to be reminded he was duped
by Osha like a mug. They hunt after the Starks
with Maester Luwin who’s not happy to be
there, but the boys can’t be found. So in
order to look like he’s a badass and not
actually a looser he kills two random farm
boys and burns the bodies to claim they’re
Starks!
Jon wakes up slightly regretting the creepy-sleepy
with his Wildling captive and she chides him
for being a Crow that’s never had sex. See
the Wildling ideology is all about freedom
and not being bound by other people’s rules
which doesn’t work with Jon’s outlook.
It’s Gypsies versus Houses all over again.
Anyway this girl is called Ygritte, and she
tries to convince Jon to join them and be
free, maybe even take her for his woman. See
Jon’s basically lost and he can’t find
the other brothers he headed out with before
– Oh no! Now he’s the captive!
Up in the ruined castle of Harrenhall Tywin
tells Arya the importance of dragons and legacy
over some dinner because there like mates
now or something? Even though he still thinks
she’s just a cupbearer.
Sansa thanks the Hound for saving her life
but he spits it back in her face, Clegane
is angry at a world full of hypocrisy, and
he then discovers that Sansa has flowered,
which unfortunately for her means its soon
time to marry Joffrey, and Cersei doesn’t
even try to pretend that it’s gonna anything
but miserable for her. She even chills out
with Tyrion later and admits her son is a
cruel monster.
Over at Robb’s Northern army the sexy samaritan
is almost luring the King of the North out
of his pants by now, while captive Jamie reminisces
with one of his distant cousins who’s another
Lannister hostage, before he kills the lad
to lure in the guard in and make his escape.
That’s Dark! And short-lived – Now the
dead guard’s father who is the Lord of house
Karstark wants Jaime’s head in revenge and
that’s causing some serious friction - Jaime’s
real plan all along.
In order to avoid mutiny and the loss of such
a precious hostage, Catelyn send Jaime away
with Brienne to hopefully get exchanged for
Sansa and Arya. Robb and Lord Karstark are
furious at her and send men in pursuit.
Dany beseeches the 13 of Qarth for help with
finding her dragons, but it turns out the
creepy warlocks took them with the help of
Xaro Xhoan Daxos, who’s been plotting to
make himself a King! Those pesky warlocks
are everywhere so Dany does nothing for a
bit in order to pad out her story arc.
Theon’s sister Yara rides to Winterfell
to tell him he’s weak and stupid for killing
the boys. Theon thought she was bringing reinforcements
to hold the castle, but she’s here to convince
him to do something smart for once and leave
back for the Iron islands. He’s going to
stay however.
The Wildlings take captive Jon to the Lord
of bones (don’t know where he gets the name
from), who has killed the other Black Brothers
and captured Qhorin Halfhand whilst they were
away.
They’re being marched North to see the King
beyond the wall when Qhorin tells Jon to go
over to their side if they’ll have him and
learn all he can about them. Making it look
like he hates Jon as a traitor in order to
convince the others.
The rest of the Castle Black crewe are still
at the Fist of the first men, while Sam and
friends discover an old cache full of Dragonglass
blades and arrows.
On the road Jaime and Brienne sneak themselves
a boat, and although Jaime tries to anger
her into doing something stupid, she’s too
stubborn to be goaded by her captive.
Tywin Lannister is on the move with his army,
and Arya is gonna be left with the Mountain’s
awful garrison at Harrenhall. She realises
she’s been an idiot for not having Jaqen
H'ghar kill Twyin all this time and now she
can’t find him! And when he does finally
show up from patrol she tricks him into promising
to kill himself, unless he now helps her escape
with Gendry and this other kid, Hot Pie.
So that night they simply walk out of the
gates, all the guards on duty assassinated
by different means.
Tyrion is planning the defence of the capitol
and Cersei tells him that she has his whore
who’ll be killed if Joffrey ends up dying
in the battle. She actually has the wrong
girl however so Tyrion plays along and tells
Cersei that he will one day see her joy turned
to ashes.
He then goes off bang Shae, but Tyrion seems
to have forgotten that this is was an arrangement
and has unfortunately fallen in love. Oh dear.
In fact while on the topic Robb has fallen
in love with the girl from Volantis, Talisa.
After hearing her life story and seeing her
kind heart he betrays his betrothal to the
Freys - by banging her right in the war tent!
At sea, we discover that Ser Davos the Onion
Knight earned his title when he smuggled food
to Stannis at Storm’s End in the middle
of a siege, and this simple crabber’s son
has grown to be his right hand man for his
constant loyal and honest council.
And now in the dark of night Stannis sails
toward King’s landing with Salladhor Saan’s
fleet.
While preparing to defend the city, Bronn
and the Hound size each other up as to who’s
the better killer before being interrupted
by the invading army.
As Tyrion readies for battle Varys confides
in him that he believes in and despises magic
and the dark artsclaiming Stannis must never
sit the throne. Tyrion has a plan involving
the wildfire operation, and Joffrey makes
Sansa kiss his new sword before he defends
the city. But she gets the odd cheeky word
in now that she’s growing tired of his shit.
It would be lovely if Joffrey died in battle
but Tyrion is actually doing his best to keep
everyone alive by leading the defence.
As the Bells of King’s Landing ring, Davos
has the fleet beat the war drums in response,
and wonders why the Lannister fleet isn’t
defending the shore. There is only one ship
between Stannis and the city, and Davos realises
too late that it’s packed with wildfire.
In a single moment a huge part of the invading
fleet is obliterated by the alchemist’s
unquenchable flames. Including Davos’ son.
Over the press of screams, Stannis pushes
on with the rest to land and storm the gates.
While Cersei is getting drunk with Sansa and
the highborn women holed up in the Keep, telling
her how much they’ll be raped if they lose
the fight.
Fire arrows rain down on Stannis’ force
before they reach the walls and make for the
Mud Gate, but the Hound rides out to lead
a bloody sortie and Lancel Lannister takes
an arrow before reporting back to the queen
about the battle so far. So Cersei immediately
demands that Joffrey removed from the walls
to safety.
Now there’s a problem at the Mud Gate – the
only thing the Hound has ever feared is fire,
and these burning men are bit much for him,
so he hangs back for a drink and a rest, and
when Tyrion and Joffrey gives him shit for
this, he says fuck the King, and leaves.
Joff hides away back to the keep and all of
the defenders almost lose hope, until Tyrion
steps up, rouses the troops and leads the
attack himself on Stannis’ – Ah, Love
this guy!
Shae sends Sansa to her bedchambers to bar
the door, but the hound is here, tired of
everything and drunk. He offers to take Sansa
home to Winterfell, but she stays stupid and
he leaves.
Stannis has a toehold on the battlements,
whilst Tyrions counterattack leads to a bloody
mess of a battle, where one of the Goldcloaks
tries to kill him, but is murdered just in
time by Tyrion’s squire. As he lays stunned
and slipping into unconsciousness a third
army arrives, the Baratheon banner flies but
the new force that’s smashing Stannis’
men is led by Loras Tyrell of Highgarden and
commanded by Tywin Lannister himself. Stannis
is forced to retreat! The Lannisters have
won.
Also Cersei was just about to poison Tommen
but I guess were not gonna talk about that?
Tyrion wakes scarred from the battle in a
dingy room, and Pycell enjoys telling him
that he’s no longer the Hand of the King
with Tywin back in town. In great ceremony
Joff proclaims Tywin saviour and hand. It
was Petyr Baelish’s idea to Ally with the
Tyrells, for which he is granted Harrenhall,
and in a rehearsed bit of B.S., they talk
of how Margery never banged Renly, so she’s
still fresh to marry Joffrey instead of Sansa,
who is set aside because of her traitor family.
This is great news for Sansa but Littlefinger
reminds her of the creepy truth that Joff
is still going to abuse her in lots of ways,
in and out the bedroom.
Ser Mandon Moore, the Goldclak who tried killing
Tyrion did so on the orders of Cersei, and
Varys also tells him that his mountain clansmen
were been paid and sent home, and Bronn was
dismissed as captain of the Goldcloaks. Yet
despite the scars on his face Shae still puts
on a good show and sticks by his side. It’s
hard to tell if she means it or if she’s
still on the clock, but don’t get your hopes
up.
Brienne is still marching Jaime back home
for the hostage swap, but when they’re recognised
by three scumbags she’s forced to murder
the shit out of them! Daym! Jaime’s cocky
banter is suddenly replaced with regard.
Robb is still mad at his mother for cutting
him loose however and marries Talisa in an
unusually stupid move for a king.
Back on Dragonstone Stannis licks his wounds
and gets a little wife-beaty on Melisandre
for promising him victory based on her visions.
But she convinces him not to doubt and continue
on to his path of glory.
Up at Winterfell Theon is surrounded by Northmen
forces because he was too stupid and proud
to leave with Yara. Luwin urges him to run
North and join the Night’s Watch before
the castle is taken. But instead he rallies
his men for a glorious last stand that will
be sung for years to come before, you know,
before his own men knock him out and go home.
And stab Luwin!
While back on the road Jaqen catches up with
Arya and she asks him to teach her the ways
of killing. He suggests that she come with
him across the Narrow sea to Braavos to join
the faceless men, a cult of master assassins
who change identity with ease. Arya has to
stay to find her family however, so Jaqen
gives her an ancient coin, some ancient words,
and becomes someone else, and leaves.
Bran and Rickon were hiding in the crypts
of Winterfell this whole time with Hodor and
Osha. They surface to discover the castle
abandoned and put to the torch. The direwolves
are back but Luwin tells them they must head
north to the wall and meet up with Jon because
it’s too dangerous to find Robb in the middle
of the War. Luwin is given peace and there
is no longer a Stark in Winterfell.
Dany finally goes to the house of the undying
to face their sorcery and tricks, entering
the tower alone and seeing a vision of a ruined
King’s Landing in the dead of Winter. She
reaches for the Iron Throne but doesn’t
quite touch it before following the sounds
of her dragons. Her next sight is North of
the wall where she finds Drogo and their son
in a Summer tent, again she leaves, and discovers
her dragons, chained to an altar and surrounded
by creepy warlocks.
Turns out the world of magic has grown stronger
since the return of dragons, and the warlocks
plan to keep them and Dany hostage forever
to feed their power. But instead the little
mites burn the warlock to death. So Dany has
Xaro Xhoan Daxos locked in his own vault as
a thankyou and sells his stuff to buy a ship.
On the march towards the army of the King
beyond the Wall, Qhorin attacks Jon and lets
himself be killed for the good of the Watch.
Jon is accepted amongst the Wildlings for
this, but back at the Fist of the first men
Sam and the others hear three blasts of the
horn. This is an ancient signal of the Watch
that means Others are coming. And we a living
army of the dead marching on their position,
led by a Whitewalker on his corpse horse.
Oh my god!
So Tyrion’s no longer Hand despite his hard
work, and Sansa is pretty much exactly where
she started. Stannis is beaten for now, and
Arya is still trying to make her way home,
whilst Bran is heading North to the wall with
Rickon. Jon is about to play the spy amongst
Wildlings, and whilst Theon’s been knocked
out Robb’s thinking with his dick. But more
importantly the living dead are on the move
and maybe none of that other stuff really
matters. And also Dany’s about to take a
boat somewhere, but to be honest in the books
what she gets up to was way better.
So thanks a lot for watching guys I really
hope you enjoyed having game of thrones season
2 crammed inside of you! After having a look
around online I found plenty of quick catch-ups
but I couldn’t find anybody else doing thorough
full-on crams of the season. So if you enjoyed
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it really helps me out! I’ll see you guys
for more crams in the future – You’re
the best! Take care.
