After-hour bars are illegal
in New York, though,
so you gotta have cash.
Cash only.
One time I tried
to go to a bar...
with a credit card.
They wouldn't give it to me.
They wouldn't sell me a drink.
I got upset.
I got into a fight
with this bartender.
In the middle of the fight,
this gay guy walks up to me.
I knew he was a gay guy,
because I took one
look at him.
He was visibly gay.
You guys are uncomfortable
by that, because this is on TV.
I get it. But...
You've never seen a visibly--
If a cop came in and was like,
"Hey, I'm Looking for
a gay guy who stole a purse,"
I'd be like, "You're talking
about this guy. Right?"
Is that weird?
I've seen visibly gay children.
You've never seen...?
You've never seen
a kid and been like,
"Aw, shit. Later,
probably. Yeah."
You never watch
MasterChef Junior?
I'm like, "Oh, shit. This kid
thinks he's just into soufflés."
That's not the point.
The point is, I was
trying to buy a drink,
and this gay guy
walks up to me.
And he says, "Hey...
I'll buy your drinks all night."
And I was like, "Thank you."
"I'll have a beer and a shot."
And I got it, man.
He poured the beer,
the shot,
I slammed the shot,
and I was sipping the beer.
As I was sipping the beer,
the bartender was chuckling.
And I'm like, "What the
fuck is so funny?
I just beat the system."
She goes, "You know
he only bought that
because he's trying
to have sex with you later."
And I was like, "Hey man,
is that shit true?"
And he goes,
"Well, that's the plan."
I was like, "Really?
That's your fucking plan?
Gonna buy me
drinks all night
to the point where
I get so drunk
that I end up having
sex with you later?"
And he said, "Yes."
And I was like,
"Challenge accepted."
"I want to see where
this shit goes."
He was a man of his word.
He bought me drinks
all fucking night.
He'd even check
on me periodically.
He'd rub the small
of my back, and go,
"How you feeling, big boy?"
I was like, "Still straight, bro.
Maybe some of that 30-year-old
Scotch might loosen me up."
"It's always been too
expensive for my taste,
but for science,
I feel like we should
leave no stone unturned."
I blue-balled the
fuck out of Marco.
His name was Marco.
I'll never forget his name
because I asked, and
he goes, "My name is Marco.
I like to dance and
I like to suck cock."
And I was like, "Okay.
Coming in hot there, Marco."
I guess I'll keep
that shit in mind
in case somebody gets
you for Secret Santa."
"Hey, what should
we get Marco?"
"I don't know. He likes to
dance and suck cock, so...
a cape?"
What do you...?
What do you get the
man that has it all?
I drink till like 9:30 in the
morning on Marco's dime.
He finally just stormed
out of the bar.
I was like, "Good game, bro."
"Both teams played
hard, my man."
Bartender was not
laughing anymore.
She was like,
"You took advantage
of that guy."
I was like, "First of all,
he was trying
to take advantage
of me first."
I don't know if you remember,
the beginning of the story
but he was trying to fuck me."
I wasn't trying to take
advantage of him.
He offered to buy me drinks,
and I accepted.
What's wrong with that?
Plus, if there's a number
of drinks that I can have
that's gonna make me end
up having sex with a dude,
I want to know that
fucking number.
I want to be able
to walk into a bar,
slam my card down,
and be like,
"Cut me off at eight."
