# DATING...Christ Loving View

## Femi Oduwaiye

#### Produced by calibre 0.6.34

DATING

...Christ loving view.

Femi Oduwaiye

DEDICATION

To God that ensured I had a smooth, life saving, protected and preserved dating period. Thank YOU very much for capping it all up with a virtuous, wonderful, truly helpful and graceful partner.

ACKNOWLEDGEMENT

To all that have (remotely or otherwise) taught me what dating is really all about, with all that have had input(s), directly or indirectly in the making of this book. I say thank you!!! Special thanks to the one that God used in providing the laptop used in typing the manuscript. God in His infinite mercy will richly and abundantly bless you beyond recognition in JESUS NAME!!!

CONTENT

Title page...................................................................i

Dedication................................................ ii

Acknowledgement............................... ii

Preface.................................................... iv

Definition...................................................1

What really is love? .................................2

Endnotes...........................................6

Before................................................................ 8

Physical maturity................................. 13

Emotional maturity...............................14

Psychological maturity........................... 21

Financial maturity................................ 24

Spiritual maturity................................. 25

Endnotes...........................................29

Starting...................................................... 33

Prophecy............................................36

Tongue and interpretations......................38

Word of God......................................39

Revelation..........................................41

Perception..........................................46

Through a sender..................................47

Ministration.............................................. 48

Impression......................................... 49

Starting methodology............................ 50

Endnotes........................................... 55

During............................................................. 60

The dos............................................. 61

The don'ts......................................... 63

How long should dating last? ........................ 74

Endnotes........................................... 76

Back page...................................................... 78

Personal Information............................ 78

About the book................................... 78

About the author................................. 78

PREFACE

Dating is an act that had been with the ancients, a period of history thousands of years in the past. It is an act that had been practised for honesty, truth, sincerity, discipline and order in the family, community and society; but is now an act that is systematically, gradually and somehow unconsciously been eroded or swept under. We seem to be forgetting, putting aside or simply not seeing its importance anymore. Why?!

Dating is dying in our society. The values of dating are crying for recognition. It seems to be begging us to recognize what is good and needful for us; what is healthy for our life, our well-being, our future, our generation and so on. It is as if we have allowed the devil to take dating from us and to give us (instead) divorce, single mothers and fathers, teenage mothers and fathers, school drop outs, unhappy couples, forfeited dreams, future and destiny; destroyed, dashed and battered hopes; young, unqualified and inexperienced parents; prostitutes, drug addicts and area boys; untrained, rude and despicable children and youths; unfulfilled life, wasted life, sorrows, cries, burdens and the likes.

We have left what is needful and we now chase shadows. Similar to the act of forgetting or leaving the practice of soil fertilization, and to be expecting good fruits and seeds. Good dividends. Why have we sidelined and backslide dating? Why?!!!

Note:

  * For more details on superscript numbers, check chapter endnotes.

  * All scriptural quotations are from the Authorized King James Version except when and where stated.

  * Note also that some scriptural words have been changed to suit our present day English: e.g. loveth to love, despiseth to despise etc.

  * Abbreviations:

King James Version: KJV.

New Living Translation: NLT.

The Living Bible: TLB.

Youth Bible: YTB.

The Message: MSG.

Chapter One

DEFINITION...

Dating is to have an appointment with; to be going out with, or to have an intimate relationship with somebody. Most times it implies having an illicit sexual relationship with somebody. However, in the context of this book dating1, means the act of trying to please somebody in order to get something in return; especially the support, consent and approval of a person. It is the period of time when two (male and female) people are in a romantic and or love relationship before they get married. Inclusively, it is a time two mature, romantically in love individuals develop their relationship with the hope of getting married. For example, _'...Mary was_ _engaged_ _(in courtship or dating relationship) to be married to Joseph..._ 2. Dating is a time of studying, learning about, getting use to and having knowledge about the other person (vice versa).

Two words needs to be thoroughly dealt with here, because it seems these words have (somehow) been misunderstood or given the wrong meaning/interpretation; **'romance** and **love'**. What is romance? What is Love?

Romance is an exciting relationship between two people who are in love with each other. It is love or a feeling of being in love and not lust. It is a relationship that is filled with all the trills and trappings of excitement; whose foundation, fountain and source is love. Let me ask; does this excitement include sexual intercourse? It seems that for us to thoroughly and fully grasp the meaning of romance; we have to understand what love is...

Love is a strong feeling of deep affection for somebody or something3. There is a strong belief that love is a strong feeling of affection for somebody that one is sexually attracted to. I will ask again; is to be sexually attracted to somebody a license for raw, practical, pre-marital sexual intercourse with the person? If we truly understand love, we will not have much problem with romance, so...

WHAT REALLY IS LOVE?

" _Beloved...love is of God (comes from God)...for God is love"_ 4

Beloved, dearest, somebody I love very much, that is highly and preciously dear/important to me; I want you to know that love emanated, sprang out, evolved and or came out from God, the Creator, founder and Source of all things, for:

" _All things were made by Him; and without Him was not any thing made that was made"_ 5

So, if love came from God; if God is the Source of love then, He is the embodiment of love. It means if you have God6, then you have love. The Bible says:

'... _every one that loves is born of (has his/her source from) God and knows God. He that loves not (whose source is not from God) knows not God'_ 7

The problem in life is that there is a worldly8 type of love and a God kind of love (Divine Love). Man's9 type of love is highly conditional. It is better referred to as friendship, expecting something in return. Man loves when he is loved in return; he gives when he was, is or will be given. When he is cheated, maltreated, not shown consideration, generosity and kindness, he stops loving; finds it difficult or extremely impossible to continue loving. His love is limited and when stretched, it breaks, crashes or stops functioning.

God's own kind of love is the complete opposite. It is unconditional; gives and serves without expecting anything in return. In fact, it is a type of love that does not need to be stirred up to act or function. It never stops loving no matter how bad He10 was, is and will be treated. It does not act/react to our actions or inactions. Divine love is eternal, unchangeable, never dies or fails even when there is no response, reciprocation, reassurance or demonstration of faithfulness:

" _And we have known...the love that God has to us. God is love; and he that dwells in love dwells in God, and God (dwells) in him"_ 11

A powerful and more appropriate example was Christ, the Son of God:

' _Then said Jesus, "Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do"_ 12

Forgive who? Christ was asking and begging God the Father to forgive all that lied and committed perjury against him; that spitted13 at him; railed, mocked, cursed, beat, sorrowed, punished, pushed, slapped, punched, kicked, drew blood out of and crucified him. The only attribute that could have propelled this is divine, unreserved, unequivocal, unparalleled love that only the Divine can and could exhibit:

'... _because the_ _love_ _of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us._ 14 – 16

Another example was Stephen who was stoned to death for daring to declare the truth. At the point of death he prayed for his murderers:

"... _Lord, lay not this sin to their charge..."_ 17

It means God, do not demand my18 soul from them; strike out this sin they have committed from your book of records. Please and please, when the book of remembrance is opened, let this act19 not be found. Majority of us today will curse them since we already speak ill of the people that hurts us20. If he21 had not prayed this prayer, I doubt if any of us today would have had or have the opportunity to read, know and or hear anything about Paul the Apostle22.

My summation is this; I don't care who or what you think/believe you are; what you stand for, if you do not have God (Christ) in your life, you are incapable of truly loving anybody in this world. That is, loving without having any selfish reason(s) for doing so. Thus, if you do not have love23 you can not be truly in true and real romance, which is, what dating demands. Let me share something with you:

' _Husbands,_ _love_ _your wives,_ _even as_ _Christ also_ _loved_ _the church, and gave himself (by dying) for it (church)'._ 24

Christ loved and so, died for the church25 **.** Can you truly, sincerely, honestly and wholeheartedly die for that individual you claim you have strong and deep affection for?

Let us create a scenario:

Let's say you (male) are married (five years) with two or three kids and one night, hired killers came to your home. Their mission is to kill your wife. Will you (male), for the romantically strong and deep affection you have for your wife, beg and entreat them to kill you, instead of your wife26. Christ voluntarily died for the church (his Spiritual Bride; not yet wife27) and the Bible commands28 husbands to love their wives the same way Christ loved the church; He loved it so much that He gave His life29 so that the church will not go to hell. Can you give your life for that person you claim to be romantically and excitingly in love with? I think you are beginning to understand dating.

' _So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that_ _loves his wife loves himself_ _. For no one ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourishes and cherishes it,_ _even as_ _the Lord the church'._ 30

Are you sure it is not the physique, rounded breasts, well shaped and curved hips; big, stimulating and inviting bottoms; long and stunning legs; powerfully attractive and beautiful face that you have strong and deep exciting affection for? That you actually love and not the individual?

Another scenario: years into the marriage, your husband had an unfortunate accident. He did not die, thank God, but lost about four of his front teeth31, one eye and his fore and hind limbs became useless. He became in short an handicap thus, putting a big question mark on his ability to provide for you and the kids. I am too sure you will still love him far more than you did when you were still dating. I am too sure it will not be pity that you will have or feel for him, but a strong and deep exciting affection of love. I am too sure!!!

I want to believe and trust that the Holy Spirit is teaching you what dating really is. So, if you are dating as in, you have somebody you are planning to get married to, do you reasonably, sincerely, honestly and spiritually believe that you have a romantic, exciting, strong and deep (not going back) affection for that individual?

Love is long suffering32, kind, humble, respectful, polite, selfless, tolerant, simple, hopeful, enduring and forbearing. Love does not envy, does not boast and does not get angry easily, unnecessarily and or unjustifiably. Love rejoices in the truth and not in evil, believes all things except when proven otherwise. Love does not and cannot stop, cease or die33. Love shall cover (forgive) a multitude of sins34.

ENDNOTES

  1. Or courtship from the word to court.

  2. Matthew. 1:18 (NLT).

  3. E.g. friend, mate, family or family member, individual, group, etc.

  4. I John. 4:7-8.

  5. John. 1:3.

  6. In its true sense.

  7. I John. 4:7-8.

  8. Mankind.

  9. Human Beings.

  10. God.

  11. I John. 4:16.

  12. Luke. 23:34a.

  13. Saliva and possibly phlegm.

  14. 'For when we were yet without strength, in due time Christ died for the ungodly. For scarcely for a righteous man will one die: yet peradventure for a good man some would even dare to die. But, God commends his love towards us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us (the ungodly)...For if, when we were enemies, we were reconciled to God by the death of his Son; (how) much more being reconciled, we shall be saved by his life'. Romans. 5:5-8 & 10.

  15. '...who (Jesus) was delivered (to be killed) for our offences' Romans. 4:25.

  16. 'He (God the Father) that spared not his own son (Jesus Christ), but delivered him up (to death) for us (the ungodly) all...' Romans. 8:32.

  17. Acts. 7:60.

  18. Stephen.

  19. Sin.

  20. Most times, on trivial or minor offences

  21. Stephen.

  22. 'And cast him (Stephen) out of the city, and stoned him: and the witnesses (those that stoned Stephen) laid down their clothes (as evidences) at a young man's feet, whose name was Saul (leader of the group or gang that stoned Stephen; his name was later changed to Paul)...Saul was consenting (accomplished this by punishing, persecuting, stoning, beating, supporting etc) unto his (Stephen's) death'. Acts. 7:58; 8:1 & 13:9.

  23. Strong and deep affection.

  24. Ephesians. 5:25.

  25. Believers.

  26. If they insist they must kill somebody before they depart.

  27. Ephesians. 5:25-32.

  28. Not entreat or advice.

  29. His Soul.

  30. Ephesians. 5:28-29.

  31. Which he uses to smile at you; who you so much love looking at, especially when he wakes you up in the morning.

  32. That is the ability to bear problems or annoying behaviour with patience.

  33. I Corinthians. 13:1-8.

  34. I Peter. 4:8b.

Chapter Two

BEFORE...

The title of this book should have been 'Before Courtship'. This is from a lecture series I once gave for about six weeks and the topic then was, 'What you need to be qualified for courtship (or dating)'. It is from that seemingly naïve and simple beginning that I will start this chapter.

Before dating, what are the things you need to know? What are the attributes you must have and or possess? What do your parents, the society, community, church members, elders and or leaders, aunties and uncles expect you to have known and possessed? In other words, what are the qualifying attributes for dating?

First and foremost, the individual must know the meaning and gravity of what he or she is getting into. Dating is not having a boyfriend or girlfriend. It is not trying out an individual for compatibility test. It is far deeper and serious than that!

It is a popular saying and belief that 'a broken relationship is better than a bad, remorseful, unhappy and incompatible marriage', but:

'... _how great a matter (result of a consequence) a little fire kindles...And the tongue (an avenue for communication) is a fire, a world (act, action, vogue) of iniquity (sin): so is the tongue...'_ 1

Let's take it one after the other. The tongue2 is a fire and a little fire can start a whole barrage of confusion. A little fire can retrogressively set individuals, cities, communities, families and even nations many years back. A little fire can lead to a serious fire outbreak or disaster, which does consume/destroy lives, properties, investments, etc. Now, the Bible compares that 'little fire' to our tongue. In other words, what we say can destroy. The tongue:

'... _sets on fire the course of nature (i.e. outcome of events); and it is set on (the) fire of hell'._ 3 - 4

What's the relevance? You see, we use our tongue to talk (communicate) and when you use that tongue to propose or to accept a proposal for a relationship, various events will be set in motion. Part of these events is heaven recording what has happened and concerning this, Christ said:

"...that every idle word that men (anybody) shall speak (using the tongue), they shall give account thereof in the Day of Judgement. For by your words you shall be justified, and by your words you shall be condemned".5

I seriously pity youths6 who take marriage (relationship/dating) proposals with every trace of levity, with all frivolity. In reality and in truth, 'a broken relationship is better (far better) than a bad, remorseful, unhappy and incompatible marriage'. It is however the better of two evils. It is better not to start dating at all than to have a broken one. You approach a lady and claim God told you she is your spouse to be. A couple of months or years later you claim again that the same God now says she is not. A guy approaches you and after praying, you claim to have got or obtained approval from your Creator. This you renege upon later. Why? Because God now says you have made a mistake and should forthwith stop the relationship. Thus, God has somehow become a liar. He has become a pools taker; somebody that tries his luck or bets with people's lives. You might be thinking, 'Isn't it possible that an individual can genuinely make a mistake of choice?' My answer: it is more than possible but what I am trying to make you understand is this, that genuine mistake is an expensive one; one that has great spiritual consequences. The Holy Book says:

"... _let your communication be, Yea, yea; Nay, nay (i.e. either yes or no): for whatsoever is more than these comes of (from) evil"._ 7 -9

You use God's name, word and reputation to start a relationship, and you also (later) use God's name, word and reputation to dismantle the same relationship. Is the Creator the kind of person that says 'YES' today and 'NO' tomorrow? God said:

" _For I am the LORD, I change not (i.e. I cannot be dilly-dallying on important life issues)...'_ 10 -13

The tongue was used to start the relationship in the first instance, and heaven had recorded it. God had taken note of it and after some couple of months or years, you renege on the agreement. Heaven will simply take your word as being idle talk, complete jabbering, which you will be answerable to on the Day of Judgement. That word (proposal or acceptance), you have reneged upon either justifies or condemns you. By starting a relationship, you have entered into a covenant, a spiritual agreement that, unknowingly to mankind (many times), heaven takes with all seriousness. Why? Because God:

'...magnifies (exalts, regards, honours, esteems and respects) his words above his entire name'. 14

If God takes his words more serious than his name, He expects us to do likewise. Your words or what you utter 15 travels faster, easier and last longer. In fact, it is your word(s) that gives you a name 16. Every idle word will be judged because every idle word is being recorded and taken serious 17 in heaven.

Viewing it from a not so different perspective; scripture is explicit on the fact that the way one thinks, is the way he/she will be 18. This is because what one thinks about is what he will talk about or utter, which ultimately will be his/her pursuit. In another sense, what you think or have in you is what you confess. If you confess negatively, you possess negativity 19. If you think 20 you can never be rich or wealthy, you will confess it 21 and because you have done this, you will live in poverty.

By uttering negativity, we automatically invite it into physical manifestation 22 for _"...by your words you shall be justified (set free)..._ (or) condemned" 23. If what we say 24 becomes reality in our lives, do you still hold the view that your utterances before, starting and during any broken relationship is of no importance? Even if it has no relevance, don't you think it is better to be on the safer side, by not saying anything at all?

Somebody might say, "What if I didn't use my tongue to communicate the message?" It does not matter. What matters is the fact that you have communicated. You had impressed an opinion on the other person or persons 25. Do you know how many lives have been destroyed due to broken relationships? How many sorrows, hates, angers, distrusts, curses etc have been invoked? Many have lost their senses26, pride and self-worth. Some that have been affected by broken relationships do not even see any reason(s) for living anymore and had become suicidal or had prematurely and untimely ended their lives.

Somebody once said, "What if I made it clear before starting the relationship that it will be on a trial bases? 27. All right! But what if that trial did not work out and it led to pregnancy? Even if it did not lead to pregnancy, the tendency is high that somebody will get involved, attached, affectionate, dependent and intimate. What if the trial did not work out and none of the above effects occurred? That is, both partners just went their different ways and nobody got hurt. Well, it is not an impossibility; however, how many of such relationships end up this way? Get serious!!!

I am not talking about a date/relationship that was broken because a partner committed sexual sin or because of external forces28 that could not just be overlooked. I am talking of a relationship that was broken because a partner's interest diminished, due to some flimsy and selfish excuse(s). It ceased because somebody had a secret agenda, an ulterior motive thus, any mistake could be easily lashed upon to break the relationship. For example: "We are just not compatible". How much energy have you two put into solving this? "She nags a lot". This can be worked upon! "He is too strict" Accepted, but can still be worked upon. "She is not sociable". "He does not fit into my class". "She is not intelligent enough". "His dress sense is awful". "She is the dirtiest girl I have ever met". "I don't think he has the wits to take care of my needs". All of a sudden, you have become God that undoubtedly knows the future. In fact the list is and can be endless.

Dating is not child's play. It belongs to the matured; to those that have grown physically, emotionally, psychologically, financially (or purpose driven) and spiritually. Stop playing with the emotions of people because when you propose or accept a proposal, others hear and somehow29 get involve. When you break a relationship, it may seem that it is only the person you broke the relationship with that is affected; that suffers. What about the person's parents, siblings, cousins, nieces, nephews, uncles, aunties, colleagues, friends, acquaintances, etc? What about the person's job, education, ministry or whatsoever the person is doing at the time?

Do not think I am making it up, I know what I am saying. A close pal of mine failed his 'Industrial Training' course because of a broken relationship. At the time it happened, it was never heard that a student in this particular university30 ever failed or could ever fail an industrial training course, but he (my pal) was so disrupt that he did not and could not say a word when he was to defend the training. In fact he broke down crying and was adjudged not to have done the training at all thus, was demoted to the lower level.

Words are powerful. They either build or destroy. Promises made are expected to be kept. If you fail to keep it, heaven condemns you on the inevitable Day of Judgement no matter how long it31 takes. Please and please, do not start or enter any relationship without being a hundred and twenty percent (120%) sure or assured divinely. It is no joke. You are not dealing only with your life and future but with the life and future of a whole lot of people including the unborn. Thus, you need to be physically, emotionally, psychologically, financially, and spiritually mature.

PHYSICAL MATURITY

This is for the individual (girl) to have developed sexually. To develop sexually32 does not mean puberty. It goes beyond puberty. It surpasses a girl starting menstruation, growing hips and having breasts. It is more than a girl developing hairs under the armpits and the pubic region. Maturity in this sense has to do with the girl's reproductive systems/organs being capable of withstanding the stress of carrying a baby. The reproductive system/organs of a thirteen year old girl though can be put in the family way, may not33 be able to withstand the stress and pressure of pregnancy successfully. It is a scientific fact that it takes sixteen weeks34 for a hen35 to start producing eggs. However, most agriculturists or animal production experts prefer a minimum of eighteen weeks and above. Their reason: the animals' reproductive organs though can start the process of egg production has not fully mature to withstand successfully and comprehensively, the rigors involve in producing eggs.

The same applies to young girls. I am not going to put an age to this because there are females36 which are above twenty years of age and yet do not have wombs that can withstand this stress. As we have teenagers that start menstruation at seventeen years of age, so also we have young women (above twenty years) that may have their wombs not yet ready and or developed for pregnancy. The problem might be hereditary, environmental circumstances, feeding habits, nutritional deficiencies etc, but the bottom line is this; it is highly unadvisable for early and mid-teenagers getting pregnant for many do end up with diverse gynaecological complications including Vesico Vaginal Fistula (VVF), pregnancy-induced hypertension (PIH), anaemia, stillbirths and infant deaths. Pregnancy-induced hypertension (or high blood pressure) mostly leads to stillbirths and VVF causes involuntary urination which can be very nauseating, shameful, uncomfortable and disgraceful. Late teenagers generally may have had their reproductive organs developed enough for pregnancy but the question is: 'Are they ready emotionally, psychologically, financially and spiritually?

This is not the same with boys. A boy that reaches puberty; that has started growing muscles, moustaches and beards; developing a husky voice or hairs under the armpits and pubic region is physically mature enough to impregnate the opposite sex. This, in a way, is unfortunate for since they (boys) do not bear the burden37, it makes many38 highly irresponsible; but who is to say the creation of God is unfortunate or not good enough. Even if the whole world39 uses God's creation for destructive purposes, it still does not remove the undeniable truth that: _'...everything that He (God) had made...was (and is)_ _very_ _good (outstandingly perfect)...'_ 40

EMOTIONAL MATURITY

It has to do with the feelings and dating mainly involves the emotions: that is the feelings of loving, hating, being angry and sad. It is a feeling of guilt, joy, sorrow, fear and the likes. In fact, it is the emotions that actually propel us into dating, intimate relationship, sex or sexual intercourse and marriage. I do not think I would be wrong if I assert that without the emotions, dating would be meaningless, except in cases where the relationship was arranged and even in this, emotions play a very serious part. Let us turn our attention to the Bible:

' _Now the birth of Jesus Christ was on this wise: When as his mother Mary was_ _espoused_ _to Joseph, before they came together, she was found with child of the Holy Ghost'._ 41

Such a simple scriptural verse with so much seeming irrelevance to emotions but let us start like this: In trying to describe the birth of Jesus Christ our Savior the verse opened with a simple truth. Mary was espoused to Joseph. To espouse means to give your support to a belief42. So, if Mary was espoused (past tense), it means she had given her support to a belief43. She had done some sitting down and actually some thinking 44 for sometime. She had to believe in this man to have agreed to be espoused to him. She had gone through the emotions of liking, appreciating, fearing, considering, had probably being angry at or put off by Joseph; her heart may have skipped ones or twice or more at the presence/sight of this man called Joseph. She must have weighed her emotions and decided at one point or another that this is the man I like, can love and would love to spend my life with. She had arrived at a junction of believing in this man's future; that this man will be good for her and to her; will love her; would believe and trust her; would give her a secure future etc. The emotions must have thoroughly gone through some serious drills.

When you are dating, one part of your being that must be kept under control is your emotions. If you truly love that person you are in a relationship with, you will always crave for his/her presence. You will want to see, feel, touch, talk to, smile at, be and converse with the person. The only language your emotions will understand at this period is to be with your lover45. You will have so many pet names for him or her. My 'love', 'friend', 'companion', 'sister' or 'brother', 'father' or 'mother', 'honey', 'sugar', my 'only one', my 'joy', my 'happiness' etc. Some of us will even go to the extent of using different phrases like: "Without you I cannot breathe, eat or drink". "I may not survive if I don't see you soon". "It is when I see you that I feel safe". "The sound of your voice thrills me and adds joy to my heart". "You are mine and nobody will take you away from me". "I will love you till my dying day". "I feel lonely without you". "I will die if you don't come and see me". The list is endless.

These thoughts and phrases are good for that is exactly what dating46 is all about but it can be destructive if not checked. This is a period when the emotions go haywire that, if not controlled, can lead to both parties indulging in pre-marital sex. This can result in hate, sorrow, disappointment, distrust, guilt, tears, hurt, regrets, sexually transmitted diseases (STD), loss of virginity, pregnancy etc. if you are not emotionally mature enough to put your feelings under checked at the thought, utterance, touch, sight and sound of your partner, please and please, do not make the mistake of starting a relationship. It's dangerous!

Biblically, to be espoused means to have been betrothed or promised in marriage. It was not (especially in the Jewish custom) a case of giving it a trial. They had promised each other marriage and were waiting to perfect their relationship by marrying each other. Theirs47 was expected to (and should) end in marriage. To have gone this far means both families had got involved and had agreed. It was a situation of no turning back:

' _..._ (and) angel Gabriel was sent from God...to a virgin espoused (promised in marriage) to a man whose name was Joseph...' 48

This Mary was not only promised in marriage to Joseph, she was also a virgin and all of a sudden49, this VIRGIN became pregnant and the wedding proper had not yet taken place.

Now, the Bible made it easy for us reading the story to know that it was the Holy Spirit that was responsible for the pregnancy. It was however, not as easy for the people involved. Mary was a young woman, what we call a 'lady' in our days. She had never had sex in her life. She probably had friends of the same age and status that were equally virgins like her and suddenly50, she is pregnant. I see a situation where her body features had started changing, showing or indicating her condition and somebody or someone51 would have noticed. Tongues would have started wagging, and people would have started asking questions. The act of mockery would have been the order of the day.

If this happens in the twenty-first century (21st) and Mary's friends, parents, uncles, aunties, companion, neighbors, co-workers etc, got wind of her condition; it would not be easy to explain that the Holy Spirit of God was the one responsible. How many people do you think would believe her? In fact it would be more of gossip, rumors, lies, half-truths, unprofitable jestings, unproductive mockeries and ridicules that would have been their responses. By saying, "...be it unto me (Mary) according to thy (Angel Gabriel) word". 52 She practically and indirectly signed her own death certificate:

' _If a damsel that is a virgin be betrothed unto an husband, and a man find her in the city and lie with her (had sex with her); Then you shall bring them both (man and damsel) out unto the gate of the city (public place), and you shall stone them with stones that they die; the damsel, because she cried not, being in the city;...so you shall put away evil from among you'._ 53

The Jewish community at the time was a very strict one. Laws are meant to be adhered to by force and offenders at the time had jungle justice as their ultimate reward. A young lady or damsel that had not being properly given in marriage to a man and caught in fornication or adultery is simply stoned to death54. Mary was not caught committing sexual sin but was just discovered to be pregnant and the only reasonable reason that could be adduced for this is fornication or adultery. Thus, by accepting the word of the angel, she signed with her own hands, her death warrant.

Though the scripture was silent about it, Mary must have gone through some highly uncomfortable and emotional trauma. The abuses; slights; rumors; curses; derisions; rejections; ridicules; ludicrous comments; mockeries etc. One might say that she had the Holy Spirit to comfort her since it was the Holy Spirit that put her in the family way. How many of us remembers and or regards the words, promises, assurances, presences, comforts, mercies, grace, affections and the power of the Spirit of God, when situations around us becomes bad, uncomfortable and unbearable?

Why was Mary not stoned to death? There might have been diverse reasons, which possibly could have included her family and close relatives believing her story. I want us to know that Mary had a way of life; a lifestyle before this incident and that way of life gave her a reputation. Probably after the initial shock of discovering she was pregnant her family had a re-think. I mean, this was a person that had been living a life of chastity; her movements and dealings with people55 had never been suspicious to attract scrutiny. Mary was a true child of her righteous and holy Creator; and all of a sudden, she is pregnant.

The life of the members of her family was not at stake since the Bible made it clear that _'the fathers (parents, guardians etc) shall not be put to death for the children, neither shall the children be put to death for the fathers: (but) every man (woman, boy or girl) shall be put to death for his (or her) own sin'._ 56 So, they could have gladly released her57 to be stoned to death; at least to punish and possibly remove the disgrace she had obviously brought on the family but they did not. Why?

Apart from the Holy Spirit conviction58, I want to believe that her family and relatives started putting these facts (her lifestyle) together, then concluded and decided to believe her but there was still a small problem. For Mary's plight not to be a case for public discussion, debates, arguments and or disgrace, somebody's action or inaction was vital. How did Joseph react to all these when he heard about her condition?

' _Then Joseph her_ _husband_ _, being a_ _just man_ _, and not willing to make her a public example (disgrace), was minded to put her away_ privily _(secretly or privately)'_ 59

The first word that disturbs me in this verse is 'husband'. How can Joseph be referred to as 'her husband' when the marriage proper had not taken place? Maybe it was a mistake and some kind of presumptuous writing. While I may agree (temporarily for now) with the latter, I completely disagree with the former, because:

'... _no prophecy (word, utterance, speech, command, appeal, claim, advice etc) of the scripture is of any private interpretation (i.e. no man conjured it up). For the prophecy came not in old time by the will of man: but holy men of God spoke as they were moved by the Holy Ghost'._ 60 - 61

The term (husband) used was not a mistake but it could have been presumptuous for, by considering the time the book of Matthew was written we already know that they eventually got married. New Living Translation used the word 'fiance'62. This seems to have put us on the right or better path however, we will look deeper into this later.

Joseph was a just63 man. I believe he loved Mary dearly thus; it must have been a rude shock to him to hear that she was pregnant knowing fully well he was not responsible. His emotions must have run riot. He must have felt disappointed, confused, angry, dejected, unhappy, hateful, saddened, disgraced etc, and in this emotional confusion he still felt love for Mary. How do I know?

'... _Joseph..._ (was) not willing to make her a public example (disgrace)...' 64

When the Bible said, _'...charity (or love) shall cover (forgive or overlook) a multitude of sins'_ 65 _._ It was referring to divine love. Joseph (somehow) had a kind of divine love for her. Do you have divine love for your partner? In the Jewish society then, Mary getting pregnant was a disgrace to womanhood and also a slight on Joseph's manly ability to judge and choose right. People that knew he was not responsible for the pregnancy would have told him to his face that he lacked good judgment; enough not to have pity on her. He would have heard all sorts of rumors and lies about Mary and her family; and in the midst of all these, he still loved her. Love (divine love), indeed, does forgive and or overlook a multitude of sins (sexual sin inclusive). Do you have that kind of love? Can you withstand this sort of situation if you were the one in Joseph's shoes? Would you still love the person you are engaged to as not to disgrace him or her publicly? Are you in control of your emotions?

Joseph did not only love her but also feared for her. He knew that Mary would not only be publicly put to shame, ridiculed and disgraced, but will also be stoned to death as required by law66. He loved her so much67 that he was not willing to disgrace and have her killed. Now, Joseph's life was not at any risk even if he claims responsibility for the pregnancy since they were already dating or engaged. In the Jewish law, if two people68 are not dating and are caught committing, or to have committed fornication, they are not killed but only required to marry each other69. How much more those already engaged to be married. However, Joseph's reputation was at stake of being tarnished.

His emotions were running haywire; he was probably disgusted, dejected and disappointed. Disappointed because, this was somebody that he thought loved him. How could she have gone to sleep with another man; that means she never really believed in the relationship; so all the love, interest, cooperation, planning etc that she showed were pretences. Yet, in all of these, he was able to control his emotions and decided to break the relationship privately to first clear his name70 and secondly, save the life of this young precious woman he dearly loves so much. Can you do this?

Emotions in relationships, makes proper and thorough thinking difficult, almost impossible. Put yourself in the shoes of all these people, do you truthfully and sincerely believe you would have come out unscathed and not wrecked with all your emotions running riot? PLEASE, develop71 the ability of putting your feelings in-check before contemplating dating.

PSYCHOLOGICAL MATURITY

Psychology is the scientific study of the mind and how it influences our behavior. It refers to the kind of mind that somebody has that makes him or her think or behaves in a particular way. Your psychological state dictates how you think and what will be the outcome of your thought, which will eventually manifest, physically. Thus:

'... _(Joseph) was_ _minded_ _(the mind or thought) to put her away_ privily _(secretly or privately)'_ 72

Joseph was not only able to control his feelings; he was also a thinker, a good thinker. For you to know, beyond any reasonable doubt that Joseph was a thinker and that you need also to develop your mind73, verse twenty (20) of Matthew chapter nineteen (19) started this way:

' _But while he thought (using his mind; his thinking ability) on_ _these things_ _(Mary's pregnancy, her family's decision to stand by her, public reactions, his self-image, his love for Mary etc)...'_ 74 -75

Joseph was somebody that had some appreciable level of knowledge, understanding and experience of life coupled with the societal circumstances (dos and don'ts) of his community. Now to be a 'good thinker' depends more on our background, our lifestyle. Many of us76 do not use our brains at all. This concerns the ladies more. You77 allow too much of your emotions to make decisions for you. While I do know and appreciate the fact that the feminine gender is made78 more to be an emotional being, I also recognized79 that basing critical life decisions solely on emotions can be disastrous.

It is a fact today that the number of broken relationships and divorces are increasing daily and one major, very significant reason for this is that many relationships or marriages are based on emotions. Many youths (especially females), when on the verge of starting a relationship, always give the same reason for dating: "I love him (or her) so much and that's good enough for me". Love is very important in a relationship but it is not the only criterion needed for a successful and rewarding relationship. Yes, love probably takes between sixty to seventy percent80, but the remaining thirty to forty percent81 are equally as important. Your brain tells you how real and enduring the relationship will or might be.

Some do use their brain but still come out short in making good decisions. This is due to their low level of knowledge, understanding and experience of life and the society they find themselves.

Knowledge means the state of knowing about a particular fact or situation. It can also be defined as the information, understanding and skills that you gain through education and or experience. 'Knowledge is power', which was why Christ said: _"...and you shall_ _know_ _the truth and the truth shall make (set) you free"_ 82. However, it is the truth you know that sets you free. What about the truth you are yet to know or don't know.

This it what I am trying to say: how many books, sermons83, counsels, shows, seminars, workshops, etc have you read, heard or had on dating, relationships, marriage, life, your society, your custom, family life and the opposite sex? Let me drop this: the more of these84 that you accumulate, the better you get and the more knowledgeable you become

Understanding is to have the knowledge of how and why things happens; how and why things work and their impact or importance. How many of the books, sermons83, counsels, shows, seminars, workshops, etc that you have read or attended, have you really understood their contents? For example, some guys believe that when girls smile at them, gives them audience, decides to get acquainted with them, shows interests or just visits them, then it means she wants to have a relationship with them. This is85 not always the case and it shows a lack of understanding and great immaturity. Girls believe that when a guy starts showing interest and tries to indulge in a conversation, then he is after their pants86. While I do agree that most guys are like this, it is also good to know that we are not all the same.

Experience comes from knowing and understanding a person(s), societies, situations, skills, arts, circumstances etc for some period of time87.

FINANCIAL MATURITY

(To Be Purpose Driven)

In this sense, I am not saying the individual should have a job, should have a good financial backing or stability; must be rich; must have enough resources for a wedding and the likes. What I am actually talking about is that the person must have a vision88 for and possibly be pursuing a lifestyle that will ensure financial safety and provision. I mean something like a career goal, pursuit and or stability. Joseph was already a carpenter. He had some form of financial provision. You want to start a relationship, what many will see as planning for your own nuclear family which involves a lot of expenses and you do not even have some form or kind of career (financial) pursuit. People will simply not take you serious, because:

'... _if any provide not for_ _his_ _own, and specially (especially) for those of_ _his_ _own house (family), he has denied the faith (the Christian faith or belief), and is worse than an infidel (unbeliever, atheist, evildoer, unrighteous person, somebody that rejects God's Way, Plan and His Son)'_ 89

As the feminine gender has more problems with emotions and thinking, finance concerns the masculine gender the more. All through the scriptures with the verse above inclusive, the emphasis has always being on the masculine gender, as being responsible for the welfare and up-keep of his family. _'...if any provide not for_ _his_ _own..._ _his_ _own house,_ _he_ _has denied the faith...'_ 89. The emphasis is on the masculine pronoun that was used90. This is why the Bible concluded that:

'... _the husband is the head (i.e. leader, caretaker, sustainer, upholder, cultivator, custodian, janitor, overseer, provider, protector, supporter, motivator, shepherd, guardian, guide, counselor, adviser, intercessor, pathfinder, the person responsible to God, that nourishes, pastor, teacher, encourager) of the wife...'_ 91 - 94

This is not saying the girls are excluded, but their own responsibility is to help95 the man in ensuring that the welfare and up-keep of the family is attained, maintained, protected and preserved96.

' _And the LORD God said, "It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an_ _help_ _(woman) meet for him"_ 97

In a nutshell, to be qualified for dating, you must have a career goal, pursuit or stability. Either education; apprenticeship or trading, all that matters or is important is that, you must not appear98 as an individual with no genuine aim or plan of taking care of himself or herself. You must not appear like somebody that will end up as a dependent, especially when things are difficult, does not work out or seems it will not work out. Have a vision, a goal and a focus.

SPIRITUAL MATURITY

To talk about the spiritual is to talk about God, our Creator, Source, Savior, Builder, Protector, Guardian, Guide, Comforter, Director, Father, Judge, Inspirer, Healer, Restorer, Counselor, Controller, Deliverer, LORD, Ruler, Master, Constructor, General, Advocate, Mercy Giver, Grace Bestowal, Author, Finisher, Beginning, Ending etc. To talk about the spiritual is to talk about our closeness, obedience, relationship, communication, interaction, mingling, fellowship, submissiveness and communion with the 'Heavenly Father'99; the 'Father of spirits'100 and the 'Father of lights'101.

' _God is a Spirit (a Spiritual Being or Entity): and they that_ _worship_ _(and will worship) him must worship him in spirit and in truth'_ 102

To worship (here) also means to obey, be close or submit to; relate, communicate, interact, mingle with, fellowship and commune with God. So, does God have a say at all in your life? If He does, how much 'say' does He have? How deep is your relationship with the Divine One on the matters of life, generally? Who dictates your life, your movements, your thoughts, speech, senses etc?

' _But while he (Joseph) thought on these things, behold the angel of the Lord appeared unto him in a dream, saying, "Joseph, thou son of David, fear not to take unto you Mary thy_ _wife_ _: for that which is conceived in her is of the Holy Ghost"_ 103

You may find it funny that I keep going back to this portion of the scripture104 but those verses, in its own seemingly simple form, is so loaded. I doubt if five Christian literature books105 can contain the hidden revelations in it. For Joseph to take the right and correct step on this issue106, God had to direct him. For you not to mess up in dating and ultimately marriage, God must guide you spiritually. It is only your Creator that knows assuredly, your future. So, He is the only one qualified to set your feet aright. How much of God do you possess? 107

I would also like to state that to have a successful relationship with God; truth108 is of great essence for:

"... _He (God the Father) that sent me (Jesus Christ) is_ _true_ _, whom you know not"_ 109-113

Now:

"... _Joseph...fear not to take unto you Mary your_ _wife_ _..."_ 114

Why 'wife'? First it was 'husband'115 and now it is 'wife'. I want us to note the fact that this was a statement made by an Angel. A messenger of the Most High God and I would not want to see it as an error or a slip of tongue. Why did Angel Gabriel call Mary, Joseph's wife when they were yet to be married legally?

I won't claim to know the answer but it leaves me with a question that scares me. If Mary was only espoused116 to Joseph, does it mean heaven (God) recognises them as already married (spiritually) when Angel Gabriel referred to her as Joseph's wife? The Angel said, _"...fear not to_ _take_ _..."_ Which means they have not yet married, _"...unto you Mary your_ _wife_ _..."_ Does it mean that when we start to date, heaven (i.e. God Himself) recognizes it as been married spiritually? Before you misquote me, I am not saying to be married spiritually is a license for coitus but that the souls have been spiritually bonded together through a covenant (i.e. what was communicated).

My brother, my sister; the very thought alone creates shivers down my spine117. Does your 'YES' mean your 'YES' or your 'YES' actually means your 'NO'. Prevention is definitely better than cure. Joseph went ahead to marry Mary irrespective of the circumstances involved. This shows his love for his God and likewise his love (unconditional) for Mary; taking on or sharing in the shame she should have endured alone118.

Conclusively, all these criteria119 are important and must be complete. If one of it is missing or not up to God's standard, the relationship is in danger of been jeopardized. Many of us spend countless spiritual hours praying about the other person we hope to date or are dating120, believing or having the wrong and or unconscious impression that one is already perfect. Stagnant waters stinks; an individual that has stopped developing physically, emotionally, psychologically, financially and spiritually also stinks; is not regarded or becomes nauseating and abominable. Thus, spend the time (before dating) developing yourself on these criteria.

ENDNOTES

  1. James 3:5c-6a.

  2. What we use to communicate.

  3. James. 3:6c.

  4. The tongue, '...can no man tame (control or put in check); it is an unruly evil, full of deadly poison. Therewith (with the tongue) bless we God even the Father; and therewith curse we man (our fellows, friends, enemies, families, neighbours, acquaintances etc), which are made after the similitude (or image, likeness) of God. Out of the same mouth proceeds blessing and cursing. My brethren, these ought not to be so'. James. 3:8-10.

  5. Matthew. 12:36-37.

  6. Individuals.

  7. Matthew. 5:37.

  8. "For the Son of God, Jesus Christ...was not yea and nay (i.e. not yes and no), but in him was yea. For all promises of God in him (Christ) are yea". II Corinthians. 1:19-20a.

  9. "But above all things...swear not, neither by heaven, neither by the earth, neither by any other oath: but let your yea be yea (your yes should be your yes) and your nay, nay (your no should be your no); lest you fall into condemnation" James. 5:12.

  10. Malachi. 3:6a.

  11. Concerning Jesus Christ, the book of Hebrews says: 'Jesus Christ (is) the same yesterday, and today, and for ever'. Hebrews. 13:8.

  12. Other scriptural verses affirm that: '... (with) the Father (God) of lights... (there) is no variableness (i.e. always the same and never changing), neither shadow of turning'. James. 1:17.

  13. '...thou (God) art the same, and thy years shall have no end'. Psalms. 102:27.

  14. Psalms. 138:2.

  15. Knowingly or unknowingly.

  16. Credible or otherwise.

  17. On a second by second bases.

  18. Proverbs. 23:7a.

  19. Vice-versa.

  20. Because of your background, abilities, economic circumstances etc.

  21. Most times, unconsciously.

  22. In our lives.

  23. Matthew. 12:37.

  24. Positive or negative.

  25. Family, friends, colleagues, neighbors, acquaintances etc.

  26. Gone mad.

  27. That is if it works out or not.

  28. Family or attitudinal problems, medical reasons and the likes.

  29. Actively or passively.

  30. As a whole

  31. Day of Judgement

  32. In the sense of this book.

  33. Scientifically.

  34. Approximately four months.

  35. Not a local hen but poultry breed.

  36. Though the exception.

  37. Pregnancy.

  38. Teenage boys.

  39. Mankind.

  40. Genesis. 1:31a.

  41. Matthew. 1:18.

  42. To what one believes in.

  43. Joseph.

  44. And weighing.

  45. Or the person you are in love with.

  46. A period for romance, strong and deep affection

  47. Dating type.

  48. Luke. 1:26-27.

  49. Before anybody could say JACK ROBINSON.

  50. In the midst of all these.

  51. Especially the elderly female folks.

  52. Luke. 1:38b.

  53. Deuteronomy. 22:23-24.

  54. John. 8:3-5.

  55. Especially the opposite sex.

  56. Deuteronomy. 24:16.

  57. Mary.

  58. Not so likely.

  59. Matthew. 1:19.

  60. II Peter. 1:20-21.

  61. 'All scripture is given by (the) inspiration of God...' II Timothy. 3:16.

  62. That is a man; a woman is engaged to marry or has agreed to marry.

  63. Righteous.

  64. Matthew. 1: 19.

  65. I Peter. 4:8b.

  66. Deuteronomy. 22:23-24.

  67. Before and after the incident.

  68. Male and female; not related.

  69. Deuteronomy. 22:28-29.

  70. Reputation.

  71. Or pray for.

  72. Matthew. 1:19b.

  73. To be a thinker.

  74. Matthew. 1:20a.

  75. 'As he considered this (these things)...Matthew. 1:20a (NLT).

  76. I am very sorry to say.

  77. Ladies.

  78. By God.

  79. Talking from my personal experience.

  80. 60%-70%.

  81. 30%-40%.

  82. John 8:32.

  83. Messages.

  84. Books, messages, counsels, seminars etc.

  85. Few times.

  86. That is, he is looking for sex.

  87. For more information on knowledge, understanding and experience, check my book on MASTURBATION...What you need to know.

  88. Or goal.

  89. I Timothy. 5:8.

  90. He and His.

  91. Ephesians. 5:23.

  92. '...the head of the woman is the man...' I Corinthians. 11:3.

  93. 'Unto the woman He (God) said... "thy (the woman) desire shall be to thy husbands, and he shall rule (govern or have control) over you (woman)". Genesis. 3:16.

  94. Then He (God) said to the woman... "And though your (woman) desire will be for your husband (or though you/she may desire to control your/her husband), he will be your master (i.e. the one responsible to God in providing for the wife)". Genesis. 3:16 (NLT).

  95. Not serve and or slave.

  96. Proverbs. 31:10-31.

  97. Genesis. 2:18.

  98. In God and people's sight.

  99. Matthew. 6:14.

  100. Hebrews. 12:9.

  101. James. 1:17.

  102. John. 4:24.

  103. Matthew. 1:20.

  104. That is Matthew. 1:18-20.

  105. With a minimum of 150-pages each.

  106. Mary's pregnancy.

  107. More on this in the next chapter.

  108. Not lies and or half-truths.

  109. John. 7:28d.

  110. "...this is life eternal, that they (mankind) might know you (as) the only true God (the Father), and Jesus Christ, whom you have sent" John. 17:3.

  111. "...I (Jesus Christ) am the way, the truth, and the life: no man comes unto the Father, but by me" John. 14:6.

  112. "...I (Jesus Christ) will pray (entreat) the Father, and he shall give you another Comforter...even the Spirit of truth (Holy Spirit)...for he dwells with you, and shall be in you" John. 14:16-17.

  113. "...the truth shall make (set) you free" John. 8:32.

  114. Matthew. 1:20.

  115. Matthew. 1:19.

  116. Given or promised in marriage

  117. That is my very soul.

  118. Deuteronomy. 22:23-24, 28-29.

  119. Physical, emotional, psychological, financial and spiritual maturity.

  120. And hopefully get married to.

Chapter Three

STARTING...

The million dollar question is, 'how do I start dating?' And the reason is not far-fetch for we live in a society that has different ways, opinions, suggestions and teachings on how to start dating. Some believe you must pray very (very) hard and have a dream concerning it. That is, no dream, no dating! The question is does God only communicate through dreams? Others believe you must be convinced by God whichever way(s) He chooses to communicate with you while, a new generation of believers say you should just be guided by your instincts and emotions. I have heard ministers and preachers of the word that say, you only have to look through the church and anyone or anybody among the opposite sex that you like or desire (not considering whether the motive is of the flesh or Spirit), you approach and propose to. In other words, 'you take your pick'. There are still more but the Bible exhorts:

_God wants you to be holy, so don't be immoral in matters (starting a relationship is inclusive) of sex. Respect and honor your wife. Don't be a slave of your desires or live like people who don't know God. You must not cheat any of the Lord's followers in matters of sex...'_ 1 - 3

This is the will (mind, commandment, order etc) of God for you in starting a relationship. Do it not in fornication or sexual sin but in holiness, self-control and honor or respect. Not how unbelievers do it via seduction, pampering, arranging, manipulating, scheming, chasing, worldly dating etc, but in solemnity and purity because anyone who fails in this rejects God and His Spirit.

Now let me explain to you how I see the will of God in marriage or relationship. Firstly, it is for you to marry your own kind; somebody that believes in what you believe in; a Christian like you; a thorough born-again, spirit-filled, matured child of the Holy Father because:

' _Can two people (e.g. male and female in a relationship) walk together without agreeing on the direction (or belief)?'_ 4 - 5

' _Don't team up (especially in dating) with those who are unbelievers. How can goodness be a partner with wickedness (unbelievers)? How can light live with darkness? What harmony can there be between Christ and the Devil? How can a believer be a partner with an unbeliever?'_ 6

If you are truly a temple for God; I mean that you possess a spirit, soul and body which the Father, Son and Holy Spirit dwell in. You will not have any problems(s) knowing, believing and accepting that you cannot but marry a Christian like yourself. This was why Abraham insisted on getting a woman from his own people to marry his son, Isaac.7

Let me chip this in. In marriage and or dating there are five (5) possible candidates:

  1. Unbelievers **:** Anyone and anybody that is not an heavenly citizen. Faithful of other religions (Islam, Hinduism, Judaism, traditionalists etc) are inclusive.

  2. Pretenders **:** These have the similitude or likeness of believers but are not. Apostle Paul also described them as: _"...false brethren unawares brought in (to faith); who came in_ privily _(secretly or with subtlety) to spy out our liberty (freedom) which we have in Christ Jesus, that they might bring us into bondage (e.g. in dating and marriage)"_ 8

  3. Backsliders **:** Those that have turned back or away from the faith or as described by Apostle Paul in the book of Hebrews as: _"those who were once enlightened, and have tasted of the heavenly gift (salvation, healing, deliverance, holiness, righteousness, heavenly peace, Divine love etc) and were made partakers of the Holy Ghost, and have tasted the good word of God and the powers of the world to come (new Jerusalem/the spirit world)"_ 9

  4. Genuine Believers **:** Are brothers and or sisters that happen not to be God's choice or will for one in marriage.

  5. God's Choice **:** A brother or sister that is the right choice or will of God for one in marriage.

Secondly in Christendom there are Brother 'A', Brother 'B', Sister 'C', Sister 'D' all the way to 'Z'. Now in Brother or Sister 'A', there are Brother or Sister 'A1', 'A2', 'A3', 'A4' and so on. Listen to me carefully; if God desires and designed you to marry Brother or Sister 'A7' and you end up marrying 'A6', you are in serious trouble. What am I saying? There are look-alike partners or genuine brethren/believers who are not God's choice/will in dating and marriage. 'A6' is very close to 'A7', maybe too close and only God knows the difference no matter how close so, it should be (reasonably) God that must choose your partner for you. Why? Because He created you and knows you more than you know or will ever know yourself. He knows the part of your life you will never have knowledge of. He knows the _'bone of your bone and the flesh of your flesh...'_ 10

I have heard people say that there is a will of God for you wherever you find yourself. That an individual has a will of God in every village, town, city, country and nation of the world thus, a person's will of God in dating and eventually marriage is dependent on where he/she resides at the time dating approaches. I still don't understand this line of argument and I think it has less to do with spiritual conviction and more to do with experience. However, what I do know and understand is this:

' _Except the LORD build the (your) house (including relationships, families and marriages) they labor in vain that build it: except the LORD keep the city, the watchman wakes but in vain'_ 11

Unless the LORD is the Source, Fountain and Foundation of your relationship, every other thing you do is vanity. Thus, how do you now know the will of God in dating? The first and most important attribute is your spiritual maturity. Build yourself spiritually by being punctual and regular at church activities12, reading the word of God13 and books on spiritual matters14; never stop praying15; fasting regularly16; sharing the word17 and living the life of holiness18. After you have started, sustained and attained some appreciable level of spiritual maturity, the next step is to know19 the ways God uses to speak to mankind and especially how he communicates with you. Some of the ways are:

  1. Prophecy.

  2. Tongues and Interpretations.

  3. Word of God.

  4. Revelation (vision and dreams).

  5. Perception.

  6. Through a Sender.

  7. Ministrations (sermons, Bible Study, Church Seminars/Workshops etc); and,

  8. Impressions.

PROPHECY

Is a message that comes by revelation and inspiration of the Holy Spirit to exhort, edify, comfort, guide, direct and encourage. It must be solely based on the word of God, that is, any prophecy said, made, given or claimed, must not run contrary to the scriptures. For example, prophesying to a legally married man that God said he should take another wife because he is not being satisfied sexually by his legal wife or a prophecy to a lady to take her sibling as a sexually intimate partner have no bases in God's Word unless when the word is being twisted and I seriously pity Christians that have developed a lazy attitude in reading the scriptures. Let us consider this example:

' _And as we tarried there many days, there came down from Judea a certain prophet named_ Agabus _. And when he was come unto us (Paul and his traveling entourage), he took Paul's girdle, and bound his own hands and feet, and said, "Thus says the Holy Ghost, 'so shall the Jews at Jerusalem bind the man that owns this girdle, and shall deliver him into the hands of the Gentiles"_ 20

If you are the studious type, read the rest of the story up to chapter twenty-six (26) and you will know that the prophecy did happen. A prophecy from God always happens or comes to reality unless you prayed and beseeched God to change his mind. If it is an event He had made up his mind21 to bring to fruition, no prayer from the Most Anointed Man of God can change it. Thus:

"God is not a man, that he should lie (or tell a lie); neither the son of man (i.e. does not have the lying instincts that we have), that he should repent (or to say I made a mistake): has he said, and shall he not do it? _Or has he spoken, and shall he not make it good?"_ 22

It is good to know that as much as it is normal and expected of a true prophet to make or give a true prophecy and a false prophet to make or give a false prophecy; a true prophet can however make or give a false prophecy23. So, there is a serious need to differentiate between the prophet and the prophecy at times. The gift of prophecy is a powerful one with wide ranging forceful effects and this makes the power, gift and ability to discern which is from God and which is from the devil, very imperative. This will avert great havocs, sadness, failures, sorrows, confusions and retrogressions for: _'...the spirits of the prophets are subject to the prophets'_ 24

TONGUES AND INTERPRETATIONS

Speaking in tongues is a supernatural utterance in another language not known to the speaker25.

' _And suddenly there came a sound from heaven as of a mighty rushing wind...And there appeared unto them (Christ's followers) cloven_ _tongues_ _like as of fire, and it sat (entered or descended) upon each of them. And they were all filled with the Holy Ghost, and began to speak with_ _other_ _tongues, as the Spirit gave them utterance'_ 26 - 27

First Fact: Tongues was given to Christ's disciples or followers and this can be liken to believers, children of God or those that have accepted Jesus Christ as their only personal Lord and Saviour. Those generally (most times derogatively) referred to as 'Born-Again'28, 'CU' (Christian Union) or 'SU' (Scripture Union).

Second Fact: Tongues and interpretation are given by God. It is a manifestation of the Spirit of God29 and not man-made or emotion, but utterances made by the Holy Spirit through us. _'...as the Spirit gave them utterance'_ 30

Third Fact: Tongues are ordinary languages spoken by an individual who (most times) does not understand what is or was uttered31.

Fourth Fact: Tongues propagate or advertise the wonderful works of God32. That is, it must not be contrary to the wonderful words and works of God.

Fifth Fact: Tongues are for personal edification or improvement33 which is in contrast to interpretation. Interpretation is the Holy Spirit given ability to interpret the meaning of the unknown tongue or language, with no prior understanding by the speaker and (most times) the interpreter.

' _He that speaks in an unknown tongue (language) edifies himself (or herself)... (but if) he interprets...the church may (or will) receive edifying'_ 34

Sixth Fact: Even if one speaks all the language in the world with angels' language inclusive and the person does not have (divine) love, he or she is just a noisemaker35.

Seventh Fact: Since tongue is mainly for personal growth, it is wise to pray and seriously seek for the gift of interpretation so that everybody36 can be blessed37.

Eight and last Fact: the devil also speaks in tongues:

' _And no marvel (do not wonder, be surprise or astonish); for Satan himself is (or can be) transformed into an angel of light (or angel of God)'_ 38

WORD OF GOD.

Bible contains the thoughts of God, the conditions of mankind, the way of salvation (from sin), the doom of sinners and the happiness of believers (children of God). Its teachings are holy, its rules are a must do, its stories are true, and its decisions are unchangeable. It contains wisdom, safety, holiness, direction, support and comfort. Read/study it and get a paradise or heaven like relationship. Refuse it and you see hell disclosed on earth. It has our good as its ultimate design thus, it should fill the memory, rule the heart, and guide the feet. If read slowly, frequently and prayerfully, it blesses with a mind of wealth. If not, it leads to Divine condemnation. God communicates his word in three (3) ways:

  1. Reading/Studying the Word.

  2. Spoken Word (Through the ears).

  3. Quiet Word in the mind; to remind.

Reading/Studying the Word:

_(Read and)'Study (the Bible) to show yourself approved unto God, a workman (reader or student) that needs not to be ashamed (scared or unsure of his beliefs), rightly dividing the word of truth (i.e. not misinterpreting the scriptures)'_ 39 - 40

By reading and studying the Word, you get to know God's mind concerning your life, relationship, dating, marriage etc. You get to know the positive attributes you should look for in a partner. You get to know what King Josiah knew that made him start a renowned reform and revival in Judah during his days41. The Bible testifies:

' _And like unto him was there no king before him, that turned to the LORD with all his heart, and with all his soul, and with all his might, according to all the law of Moses; neither after him arose there any like him'_ 42

Before, during and after King Josiah, there was no king that could be compared with or to him which made him unique; all because of the Word of God. The Word of God makes a good personality out of you that will make you stand out.

Spoken Word (Through the ears):

' _Now the LORD had told Samuel in his_ _ear_ _a day before Saul came...'_ 43 - 44

It is hearing a voice that you are sure is not from any human being however, Satan also speaks through the ears thus, discernment is important.

Quiet Word in the mind; to remind: This is a quiet/silent word, either from the Bible or supported by the Word of God which comes to the mind or thought thus, reminding the individual of what God says concerning a situation:

" _But the Comforter, which is the Holy Ghost, whom the Father will send in my (Jesus Christ) name, he shall teach you all things, and bring_ _all things_ _to your_ _remembrance_ _(to remind you), whatsoever I (Jesus Christ) have said unto you"_ 45

The devil also communicates through this medium, showing you the importance of the Spirit of discernment.

REVELATION

It means to uncover; to know, or to make known via divine inspiration. It can also be defined as the process or act of making a secret or hidden fact public. That is, to be in the full glare of everybody and everyone thus, bringing and creating awareness. God's revelation is of three (3) types; one already discussed46. The remaining two (2) are vision and dream:

' _And he (God) said, "Hear now my words: if there be a prophet among you, I the LORD will make myself known to him in a_ _vision_ _, and will speak unto him in a_ dream" 47 - 48

Vision: is the ability to see a particular situation the same way God sees it. It is to have a mental picture49 of the future or future events therefore, giving one an advantage of planning for it. I ones found myself in a community where there was a sudden increased scourge of armed robbery which made terror and fear, the order of the day. At the time, if you were unfortunate to be outdoors by 8 p.m., there was a ninety-five percent (95%) chance that you will either be robbed50 by thieves or be thoroughly beaten by the community's vigilante group. In all this disorder, I had a revelation that it was a passing phase; a type of wind that is just passing along and I refused FEAR51 and embraced FAITH52 because of the vision of the future that I had received. Thus, I took precautions by praying that I, my family and God's children do not fall victim, or get blown off by the passing phase/wind; and rearranged my schedules, encouraging others to do the same in order to avoid being mugged or beaten. To have vision is to have insight and foresight:

  1. Insight: is the penetrating ability or power of apprehending53 the inner nature of things and people. Some people term this as the ability to read people especially when they haven't done anything to expose their motive(s) or are pretenders:

' _Now when he (Jesus Christ) was in Jerusalem at the Passover, in the feast day, many believed in his name, when_ _they saw_ _the miracles which he did. But Jesus did not commit himself unto them, because he_ _knew_ _(had insight into) all men. And needed not that any should testify of man: for he_ _knew_ _(had insight into) what was in man'_ 54

These people only believed in Christ after witnessing the physical miracles Christ performed thus, the praises started. Now, Christ did not let off his guards as to allow himself to get carried away by the people's praises. He had a penetrating ability/power to know that mankind only praises you when they are favored, blessed or supported. The minute they55 noticed that you have ceased doing these56, they turn against you:

'... _and about the sixth hour...he (Pontius Pilate) said unto the Jews (including those praising Christ before this day), "Behold your King!" But they (the Jews) cried out, "Away with him, away with him, crucify him..."_ 57

Do you have this ability? It is a type of ability that helps you have knowledge of the immediate past and present situations of events. It helps you know the motive behind people's attitude58 so, aiding your reaction or lack of it. It is a powerful gift, especially when given, directed and guided by God.

  2. Foresight: speaks of the power or act of foreseeing the future. It is not dreaming or to dream but a divine ability to know the events of the future irrespective of its longevity. Foresight is to know the future and knowing what to do with it.

' _And there was a certain disciple at Damascus, named Ananias; and to him said the Lord in a_ _vision_ _, "Ananias...inquire...for one called Saul (later named Paul) of Tarsus: for, behold, he prays. And has seen in a_ _vision_ _a man named Ananias coming in, and putting his hand on him, that he might receive his sight"_ 59 - 60

For better understanding, read Acts. 26:16-1961; whereas you must be asleep to have a dream, you do not necessarily have to be asleep to have a vision. It needs/requires little or no interpretation and this makes it less pondering and more assuring: _'..._ _assuredly gathering_ _that the Lord had called us for to preach the gospel unto them'_ 60 _._ In knowing the will of God in marriage, vision is of great importance, because, _'Where there is no_ _vision_ _, the people (in dating, relationship and marriage etc) perish...'_ 62

Insight is past and present while foresight is future thus, it is possible to have insight and yet, no foresight (vice-versa).

Now, for better understanding63, scripturally, vision is of three (3) types, namely: Open vision, Night vision and Trance.

  1. Open Vision: This is the type in which one is one hundred percent (100%) awake and obviously in the Spirit where he notices or senses that a sort of screen opens to him, relating events God wants to pass across. This is the type that Ananias and Paul experienced64.

  2. Night Vision (or vision of the night): As experienced by Paul the Apostle in Acts. 16:9-10; it happens by night but it is not dream as it requires little or no interpretation in comparison with dream65. _'For God speaks once, yes twice, yet man perceives it not. In a_ _vision of the night_ _, when sleep falls upon men, in_ slumberings _upon the bed'_ 66

  3. Trance: Peter67 and Paul68 experienced this. It is a sort of ecstasy where one is not really asleep and yet, not fully awake. Not unconscious and also not conscious. A kind of half awake, half asleep condition.

Dream:

' _And he (God) said, "Hear now my words: if there be a prophet among you, I the LORD will make myself known to him in a_ _vision_ _, and will speak unto him in a_ _dream_ _"_ 47 – 48

God makes known69 his thoughts, plans, desires, will and intents in vision and dreams. He speaks out his dreams. That is, God becomes active, intimate, close and participatory by speaking out his mind in dreams. He talks in dreams using languages to communicate his thoughts to us. Thus, the only person that can correctly interpret dreams is the person that spoke the language:

'... _And Joseph said unto them, "Do not interpretation (of dreams) belong to God?_ 70 - 71

So, what is dream? Dreams are:

  * A series of thoughts, images, emotions and pictures that occurs during sleep.

  * Spiritual television screens and or cameras telling us what is going on in the spirit world.

  * Dark (i.e. hidden) sayings, parables and proverbs that are transmitted during sleep.

  * Avenues of communicating spiritual information(s) while sleeping.

  * Images occurring in definite sequences in our sleep.

  * Messages from our spiritual life and inner being.

Dreams come from three (3) sources namely God, Satan and man (i.e. the soul of man). The latter makes it easy for us to have suggestive dreams about dating, relationship and marriage, making dreams quite unreliable as the sole evidence from God to start dating72. Dream interpretation is a wide subject that cannot be thoroughly and properly dealt with in this book however, some important facts about dreams that should and must be noted are as follows:

  * Every dream is important and has at least a message to convey to us.

  * Every dream has a meaning especially when it appears as disorganized nonsense.

  * Dreams reveal the state/condition of our heart or mind as well as the voice of God within our being (or soul).

  * Trying to interpret dreams scientifically will not give us its true result.

  * Dreams interpreted by God's Spirit gives us a map for the journey of life.

  * Dreams not interpreted can be likened to an unread letter.

  * A repetitive dream signifies urgency and certainty.

  * The more difficult a dream is (to interpret), the more important it is to the dreamer.

  * Your spiritual level dictates how you see, react and interpret dreams.

  * Dreams that comes from a multitude of business (i.e. to be involved with a thought or situation) emanates from the individual's being or soul72.

PERCEPTION

To perceive is to notice, become aware of or feel something, especially with the uses of the senses. It is to have an idea, a belief or an image as a result of what was seen, heard, tasted, touched, smelled, understood and or experienced.

" _Sirs I (Paul)_ _perceive_ _(or sense) that this voyage will be with hurt and much damage..."_ 73 - 79

This is to know, notice, be aware of, feel, and have an idea of or to have an image of the mind or thought of God on an issue through the five (5) senses, working together with our level of knowledge, understanding and experience of God. God does not expect us to be dummies. We should not be garbage in, garbage out. There are some instances where God expects us to use our senses, our knowledge, our understanding and experience which had been gained through many years of interaction and fellowship with Him; to discern and decipher his thoughts on certain issues. It is a consistent and persistent perception of events or trend of events.

Paul the Apostle perceived that the journey to Rome will not be peaceful and safe due to the trend of events prequel to his conclusive perception73. David also perceived God's approval of his kingship in Israel because of the trend of events around him74. This, they both had using their senses, their knowledge, understanding, wisdom and experience of God garnered through many years of interacting with the Almighty. Job confirmed that God can be perceived through his statement in Job. 23:875. God confirmed to Isaiah that it is possible for mankind to perceive Him in Isaiah 6:976. Jesus detected the Pharisees' deception through perception and not by prophecy, tongue interpretation, revelation and the likes77. The more usual term that we use these days is, "I sensed that..." Thus, perception is a gift that is better made use of by mature Christians since it involves some appreciable level of interaction and fellowship with the Almighty80.

THROUGH A SENDER

' _And in the sixth month the angel Gabriel was_ _sent_ _from god...to a virgin (whose)...name was Mary'_ 81 - 85

It is for God to send somebody to you who will convey His (God's) thoughts and plans. As God sent angels (in the scripture) to mankind, He is still doing the same today. This is somehow similar to prophecy in the sense that a prophet can prophesy like somebody sent however, the message or content of the message must not be against the word of God and must be confirmed, preferably, by an independent individual or by God to the target recipient, because;

"... _at the mouth (confirmation) of two witnesses, or...three witnesses,_ _shall_ _the matter (or message) be established"_ 86 - 88

It may seem unconventional and crazy but I do know a person that God ministered to through a mad man. If God can use an ass89 who says he cannot send a mad man!

MINISTRATIONS

' _And he (Jesus Christ) began to speak unto them (the people) by parables_

The parable was about a certain man that planted a vineyard90, dressed it, leased it out to farmers and traveled to a far country. After sometime he sent servants to collect the rent. These servants were either maltreated or killed by the farmers so the man sent his only well beloved son, because he believed that the treatment meted out to his servants at the hands of the farmers, was due to the fact that the farmers could not and did not identify them (the servants) with their landlord. Sighting the son the farmers responded thus:

'... _(And) those husbandmen (farmers) said among themselves, "This is the heir; come, let us kill him, and the inheritance (vineyard) shall be ours"_ 91

In this parable, Jesus was referring to the Pharisees and Saducees92 as husbandmen. The man's servants and son as God's prophets and son (Jesus Christ) respectively, and it simply means that for so many years, God had been sending his prophets to the religious leaders of Israel but they (contrariwise) had only beaten, stoned, wounded, scolded, disgraced and or killed his prophets. That God has now sent his only begotten and beloved Son which, assuredly, shall be killed by the leaders. Thus, Christ designated the Pharisees and Sadducees as murderers, wicked men, disobedient, rebellious and destroyers of God's Work, Ways and Plans. The Pharisees and Sadducees understood the message and reacted thus:

' _And they sought to lay hold on him (Jesus Christ) but they feared the people: for they knew that he had spoken the parable against them: and they left him and went their way'_ 93

God uses sermons, Bible studies, ministrations, seminars workshops and the likes to speak to individuals and or groups. I have witnessed it so many times that it even manifested on my wedding day. A couple of people confided in me that the sermon on that day was (using their own words), "The Creator speaking to me". These confessions were made independently and most of these people were not acquaintances.

God can use this medium to speak to you on your relationship or marriage. When He does this, how do you or will you react? Positive or Negative? Obedience or Defiance? Acceptance or Rejection? Concern or Snobbery? Though this method is rare but its rarity does not dissuade or nullify its certainty.

' _Now when they heard this (Peter's sermon), they were pricked in their hearts (conscience) and said unto Peter and to the rest of the apostles, "Men and brethren, what shall we do?"_ 94

IMPRESSION

Is an idea, a feeling or an opinion that one gets about something or somebody or situation. It is to gradually feel, think, act or behave in a particular way over a period of time. God says:

" _But this is the covenant that I will make with the house of Israel; after those days...I will put (_ _impress_ _, instill) my law in their inward parts..."_ 95 - 97

It is having an opinion, an idea or a feeling about something or somebody or situation without any reason to do so or any proof(s) to back it up. God just puts98 it in your thought, mind or emotion. This is contrary to perception, which is through the senses99 and it mostly turns out disastrous for fleshy or carnal Christians since they communicate more with the physical than with the spiritual

' _For to be_ _carnally_ _minded is death (severance from God); but to be spiritually minded is life (spiritually alive) and peace. Because the carnal mind is enmity against (makes you the enemy of) God: for it is not subject (submissive) to the law (or way) of God, neither indeed can be. So then they that are in the flesh cannot please God'_ 100

### STARTING METHODOLOGY

If you believe God is leading you to a person as your life partner, what do you do next? As earlier stated, our society has different ways, opinions, suggestions and teachings on how to actually start dating? How to take a step or make a move on the actual commencement of the relationship? However, to start can be categorized generally into two: Proposal and Acceptance.

Proposal: This is what actually or formally starts dating. It is the act of formally asking or informing a person that you have marital interest in her and would love to have her as your future spouse. Denominationally, we all have our designed ways of doing this with some having its source emanating from experience rather than the word of God. Some believe the two individuals are capable and disciplined enough to take this step, and do not, necessarily need to inform the church unless they deem it fit. Others believe the church101 must be informed before the actual contact102 takes place. Yet, there are denominations which insist, everything must be done by the church. That is, the church must act as the go-between; with the two individuals involved, not having any form of contact103, even until the actual wedding. It is worth saying that some of these steps do create serious problems on inter-denominational level.

I will neither praise nor condemn any of these methods for some are done with the sole aim of ensuring order and discipline in the house of God. The originator of some of these methods however, seems to have forgotten that the only constancy in life is change and that God at times, cherishes and loves to apply different solutions to the same problem. What worked for Jack in the Spirit and direction of God may just not apply to Jill, not to talk of it working. However, what I will insist upon and which the scriptures support is this:

' _For God wants you to be holy and pure and to keep clear of all sexual sin so that each of you will marry in holiness and honor, not in lustful passion as the heathens do, in their ignorance of God and his ways'._ 104

In short, propose in the truth and spirit of God, accompanied with Divine fear105. Now, who is to propose or who should propose?

The Bible contains the mind/thoughts of God to us and the only immutable TRUTH thus, it should and must106 be our guide. This may seem archaic, harsh and hard but it is very much the bitter truth. The scripture does not teach that a lady/woman can propose107.

You might say: what about Boaz and Ruth? 108 What Ruth did is what we call the 'first move' today. She did not propose to Boaz but only made him aware of her desire, readiness, willingness and availability to be his wife. It is fun, if it turns out fine; if it is done to the right person with the right frame of mind, but with guys I have had occasions with on this issue, it is a totally different case. Many guys (believers and unbelievers alike) have confided in me109 that they will never respect any lady or woman that makes a first move at them. Yes, they will probably go out with her and possibly have an affair but, even if she ends up as their wife, they will never fully respect and honor her as a woman.

I have heard ministers of the word preach about the first move, hammering on the fact that it is okay. I will not dispute this but the question is this: How many of such ministers did their wives make a first move at? If any, how many of them truly respect and honor their wives as a woman should be respected and honored? I am not saying the first move is a sin or wrong, what I am saying is that it is not 'ADVISABLE'. Most men will refer to it when provoked, even after many years of marriage. They will remind you (ladies) of the fact that they did not chase you; that they did not sweat to possess you. They will gladly hammer it into your brain, to remind you of their personal view of your lack of self-worth.

To the ladies: you like this guy and you believe he is the will of God for your life however, he just seems not to be making any move. You feel you should give him a nudge or a hint of your honest, right and sincere intention (by making a first move), for it looks like he is just shy or lacks confidence. My advice is 'NO', unless you are led by God to do so. Pray and wait on God for:

"... _they that wait upon the LORD shall renew (revamp or re-energize) their strength (or position); they shall mount up with wings as eagles (or be in-charge); they shall run, and not be weary (showing consistency); and they shall walk, and not faint (not losing focus)"_ 110

What Ruth did was one out of so many cases. If you want to be relevant, and important to your spouse, maintain your self-worth. Do not make a first move for it is more likely that you will be building the foundation of your marital life on sand. 111

Acceptance: As the meaning suggests, it is to agree to receive or do what has been offered or proposed. I have heard a lot of talk and arguments on how long a lady should take before giving her acceptance. In fact, most ladies do not even say an audible 'YES' but would rather do it with a nod, a shoulder or any body movement(s) that signifies a 'yes' or 'no' answer. However, I will prefer not to put a time limit to this but to say 'take as much time as possible to be sure, but do not over do it'. Some take a week, others a month or months and I have seen ladies that had taken years. The important thing is 'to be sure' before giving your 'YES' or 'NO' answer. Do not play away your life and future! If the guy is the will of God and truly loves you, he will wait for you to be sure. Do not be agitated by the fact that he may get fed up while waiting or that you are not getting any younger. If he is God's choice for you, HE WILL WAIT!!!

I have had a few cases of guys threatening ladies with Divine wrath of hail, brimstone and fire if the lady does not give her consent to the proposal; especially on time. I will admit and not shirk from the fact that most of the cases I had come across, were because the guys had heard or received what they believed was genuine conviction, and not because they wanted to cajole or force consent/approval. Believe me when I say that my heart goes out to such guys for stages like this can be physically draining, emotionally tormenting, psychologically and spiritually confusing, degrading and disgraceful. However, this only shows how desperate and morally low you (i.e. the guys) can become just to be in a relationship. Talking from experience, it is not worth it and it does not befit you as a man!

_Note_ : From my years of experience, I have discovered that most relationships that started with the lady taking little or no time to give her consent often ends disastrously; even if they get married.

ENDNOTES

  1. '...Remember, we warned you that he punishes everyone who does such things. God didn't choose you to be filthy, but to be pure. So if you don't obey these rules, you are not really disobeying us. You are disobeying God, who gives you his Holy Spirit' I Thessalonians. 4:3-8 (YTB)

  2. 'God wants you to be holy, so you should keep clear of all sexual sin. Then each of you will control your body (or will know how to take a wife for himself) and live in holiness and honor, not in lustful passion as the pagans do, in their ignorance of God and his ways. Never cheat a Christian brother in this matter by taking his wife, for the Lord avenges all such sins, as we have solemnly warned you before. God has called us to be holy, not to live impure lives. Anyone who refuses to live by these rules is not disobeying human rules but is rejecting God, who gives the Holy Spirit to you' I Thessalonians. 4:3-8 (NLT).

  3. 'For this is the will of God, even your sanctification (i.e. holiness), that you should abstain from fornication. That every one of you should know how to possess his vessel (find approach and obtain his/her spouse) in sanctification and honor. Not in the lust of concupiscence (illicit desire; sensual appetite), even as the gentiles (unbelievers) which know not God: That no man go beyond and defraud (oppress, over reach, deprive, deny or cheat) his brother in any matter: because that the Lord is the avenger of all such, as we also have forewarned you and testified. For God has not called us unto uncleanness but unto holiness. He therefore that despises, despises not man, but God, who has also given unto us his Holy Spirit' I Thessalonians. 4:3-8 (KJV).

  4. Amos 3:3 (NLT).

  5. 'Can two walk (live and stay) together, except they be agreed' Amos 3:3.

  6. 'And what union can there be between God's temple and idols? For we are the temple of the living God...Therefore, come out from them and separate yourselves from them, says the Lord. Don't touch their filthy things, and I will welcome you' I Corinthians. 6:14-17 (NLT).

  7. Genesis. 24:1-end.

  8. Galatians. 2:4.

  9. Hebrews. 6:4-5.

  10. Genesis. 2:23a.

  11. Psalms. 127:1.

  12. Hebrews. 10:25.

  13. Joshua. 1:8.

  14. For examples: 'The Spirit-filled life'. 'The Spirit-controlled person'. 'Holy Spirit my Friend'.

  15. I Thessalonians. 5:17.

  16. Mark. 9:29.

  17. Mark. 16:15.

  18. I Peter. 1:15-16.

  19. In the process.

  20. Acts. 21:10-11.

  21. Omnipotence.

  22. Numbers. 23:19.

  23. I Kings. 22:19-23.

  24. I Corinthians. 14:32.

  25. Acts. 2:1-18.

  26. Acts. 2:2-4.

  27. 'Now when this (Christ's followers speaking in tongues) was noised abroad (or spread around), the multitude came together, and were confounded (or astounded), because that every man heard them speak in his own language...saying one to another, "Behold, are not all these (those speaking in tongues) which speak Galileans? And how hear we everyman in our tongue, wherein we were born? ... (for) we do (all) hear them speak in our tongues the wonderful works of God" Acts. 2:6-11.

  28. John. 3:3.

  29. I Corinthians. 12:7-10.

  30. Acts. 2:4c.

  31. I Corinthians. 14:14.

  32. Acts. 2:11b.

  33. I Corinthians. 14:2, 4, 27-28.

  34. I Corinthians. 14:4-5.

  35. I Corinthians. 13:1.

  36. Including the speaker.

  37. I Corinthians. 14:13-17.

  38. II Corinthians. 11:14.

  39. II Timothy. 2:15.

  40. 'This book of the law (Gods Word) shall not (command) depart out of your mouth (must always say or converse in it); but you shall meditate (think deeply) therein day and night (consistently and persistently), that you may observe to do (i.e. act and live it) according to all that is written therein: for then you shall make your way prosperous (i.e. a stress free, Holy Spirit guided and wonderful relationship), and then you shall have good (and not bad) success' Joshua. 1:8.

  41. II Kings. 22:8-23:25; II Chronicles. 34:18-35:19.

  42. II Kings. 23:25.

  43. I Samuel. 9:15.

  44. 'For he (Jesus Christ) received from God the Father honour and glory, when there came such a voice to him from the excellent glory, "This is my beloved Son, in whom I am well pleased". And this voice which came from heaven we heard (through the ears), when we (Peter, James and John); were with him (Jesus Christ) in the holy mount' II Peter. 1:17-18.

  45. John. 14:26.

  46. Prophecy.

  47. Numbers. 12:6.

  48. 'For God speaks once, yes twice, yet man perceives it not. In a dream, in a vision of the night, when sleep falls upon men, in slumberings upon the bed' Job. 33:14-15.

  49. To foresee.

  50. Or mugged.

  51. False Evidences Appearing Real.

  52. The substance of our hope; the evidence of what we do not see. Hebrews. 11:1.

  53. Seeing, knowing, understanding and recognizing.

  54. John. 2:23-25.

  55. Mankind.

  56. Favoring, blessing and supporting.

  57. John. 19:14-15a.

  58. Friendly, unfriendly, adoring, repulsive, aggressive, accommodating, angry, loving etc.

  59. Acts 9:10-12.

  60. 'And a vision appeared to Paul (formerly Saul) in the night; there stood a man of Macedonia, and prayed him, saying, "Come over into Macedonia, and help us". And after he had seen the vision, immediately we endeavored to go into Macedonia, assuredly gathering that the Lord had called us for to preach the gospel unto them' Acts 16:9-10.

  61. Acts. 10 (note verses 3, 10, 17, 19, & 28); Daniel. 10:7; Ezekiel. 43:3.

  62. Proverbs. 29:18a.

  63. And or enlightenment.

  64. Acts. 9:10-18.

  65. Check dream.

  66. Job. 33:14-15.

  67. Acts. 10:10-17; 11:5.

  68. Acts. 22:17-21.

  69. Shows, manifests, declares, uncovers etc.

  70. Genesis. 40:8b.

  71. 'And Joseph answered Pharaoh, saying, "It is not in me (to interpret dreams): God shall give Pharaoh an answer of peace" Genesis. 41:6.

  72. Ecclesiastes. 5:3a.

  73. Acts. 27:9-10.

  74. '...David perceived (or sensed) that the LORD had confirmed (or approved) him king over Israel (since)...his kingdom was lifted (exalted) up on high, because of His (God's) people Israel' I Chronicles. 14:1-2.

  75. "Behold I (Job) go forward, but he (God) is not there; and backward, but I cannot perceive (or sensed) him" Job. 23:8.

  76. 'And he (God) said, "Go (Isaiah) and tell this people, 'Hear you indeed, but understand not, and see you indeed, but perceive (do sense) not" Isaiah. 6:9.

  77. "Tell us therefore, what (do you) think...?" But Jesus perceive (or sensed) their wickedness, and said, "Why tempt you me, you hypocrites?" Matthew. 22:17-18.

  78. 'Hereby perceive (or sense) we the love of God, because he laid down his life for us...' I John. 3:16.

  79. "For God speaks once, yes twice, yet man perceives (or senses) it not" Job 33:14. Check also Acts. 17:18-23.

  80. Joshua. 22:31; Matthew. 16:8; Luke. 5:22; 20:23 and Acts. 8:23; 17:22.

  81. Luke. 1:26-27.

  82. 'And the LORD sent Nathan to Daniel...' II Samuel. 12:1a.

  83. 'And the LORD appeared to him (Abraham) in the plains of Mamre... (in the form of) three men (that) stood by him...' Genesis. 18:1-2a.

  84. 'And the men said unto Lot..."we will destroy this place (Sodom and Gomorrah), because...the LORD has sent us to destroy it" Genesis. 19:12-13.

  85. '...the Father sent the Son to be the Savior of the world' I John 4:14.

  86. Deuteronomy. 19:15.

  87. "...in the mouth (confession) of two or three witnesses every word may be established" Matthew. 18:16b.

  88. "...in the mouth (testimony) of two or three witnesses shall every word be established" II Corinthians. 13:1.

  89. Numbers. 22:20-35.

  90. A grape garden.

  91. Mark. 12:7.

  92. The preachers and teachers of the work and word of God.

  93. Mark 12:12.

  94. Acts. 2:37.

  95. Jeremiah. 31:33.

  96. "And I will give them one heart, and I will put (impress, instill) a new spirit within you..." Ezekiel. 11:19a.

  97. "A new heart also will I give you, and a new spirit will I put (impress, instil within you..." Ezekiel. 36:26.

  98. The opinion or idea or feeling.

  99. That is what you notice, see, smell, hear, speak, or sense through the skin.

  100. Romans. 8:6-8.

  101. Marriage committee, leaders and or pastors.

  102. Proposal.

  103. Personal or otherwise.

  104. I Thessalonians. 4: 3-4. Check superscript 1 to 3 for further studies.

  105. John. 4:23-24; Psalms. 111:10.

  106. As true children of the Most High God.

  107. Examples – Isaac and Rebecca: Genesis. 24:1-end. David and Michal: I Samuel. 18:20-27. David and Abigail: I Samuel. 25:39-42. Samson and the woman of Timnath: Judges. 14:1-4 & 10. Boaz and Ruth: Ruth. 4:1-10. Hosea and the prostitute: Hosea. 1:2. Etc.

  108. That is in Ruth chapter three.

  109. Most times secretly.

  110. Isaiah. 40:31.

  111. Matthew. 7:26-27; Luke. 6:49. Christ said: "...whosoever hears these sayings of mine, and does them, I will liken him (or her) unto a wise man (or woman), which built his (or her) house (marital life) upon a rock. And (when) the rain descended, and the floods came, and the wind blew, and beat upon that house (or home); and it fell not; for it was founded upon a rock (or the Rock of Ages)" Matthew. 7:24-25; Check Deuteronomy. 32:4; Psalms. 18:2, 31, & 46.

Chapter Four

DURING...

If you are in this stage of dating, honestly and sincerely, I congratulate you. For experience has taught me that the obstacles or hindrances to starting a true, sincere and God-willed dating are vast and diversified. So the issue now is what do I do in dating? How do I behave or conduct myself in my dating period? One of my daughters in the Lord put it this way: "What are the dos and don'ts in dating? Before we get to the thick of the issue, let's consider this:

'And it came to pass...that his master's wife cast her eyes upon Joseph; and she said, "Lie with me" (i.e. have sex with me). But he (Joseph) refused...(and while) Joseph went into the house...she (then) caught him by his garment (but)...he left his garment in her hand, and fled, and got him (or himself) out' 1

Men of God; speakers/ministers of the word and counsellors do use this portion to help individuals that are dating on how to avoid premarital sex, laying emphasis on the word 'fled'. This however can be misleading for the two scenarios are not really the same. Joseph had no passion, affection or love for his master's wife. He knew it was something he could do successfully and reap its benefits2, but he also knew that he would be rendering his emotions desolate. There was no bond, no romantic attachment which makes it far different to individuals that are dating. These desires to see, touch, admire, and talk to each other. As described earlier3, dating partners so much crave for each others companionship but Joseph's action or reaction showed that he detested the presence and or companionship of his master's wife. In fact, I believe he tried his utmost best to avoid her; '...or to be with her' 1

The question now is how do you maintain your companionship without sinning? How do you maintain seeing each other without committing fornication? What really are the dos and don'ts during the dating period? Or to put it as one of my daughters in the Lord did: "How far do we really go while dating?

THE DOS

Firstly, what dating is really all about is to know the guy or gal. Get to know your partner. I mean his/her person's likes, dislikes, natural temperament(s) 4. Is he/she:

  * Sanguine: Comically outgoing and expressive.

  * Choleric: Work/purpose driven, pushy and

demanding.

  * Melancholic: Sacrificially sensitive and creative.

  * Phlegmatic: Receptively sensitive and reserve.

Does he/she have a combination of two or three temperaments? Whether your partner is an introvert (in-going), extrovert (out-going) or in-between the first two is very important; know his/her background, friends, relatives, to the tiniest of details like choice of colour, food, drinks, film, scriptural verse(s), song(s), talents (spiritual and natural), vision, goals, hopes, scriptural level, beliefs, doctrines, fears etc. In a nutshell, it is to uncover, in order to discover and possibly (with God's help) recover or restore or correct your partner. Get to know him or her. Strive to correct his or her weaknesses (bad sides). Enjoy, build and appreciate his or her strengths (good sides).

Secondly, dating is also an opportunity for self discovery or for some of us, further self discoveries. God is the only perfect Being. What are your likes, dislikes, natural temperament(s), vision, goals, hopes, weaknesses, strengths etc? It is to know self; correct self; enjoy, build and appreciate self. Dating time is not an ideal time for character pretension. Pretence will not help you at all but will rather add to your problems. The ladies are more prone to or guilty of this. Let your partner understand who you really are. Let him or her understand your inner being (psyche) with its diverse feelings, characters, urges, abilities, psychic tendencies etc. If you fail in this with pretence, then you have started laying the foundation of your marital life on sand that will definitely collapse.

Thirdly, allow your partner to get to know or discover your person; to correct your weaknesses, influencing you positively; to build, enjoy and appreciate your strengths. It is only when you allow him or her to do this that the job will be done with less stress and difficulty for both of you. Allowing this in your life will strengthen your relationship; increasing, aiding and quickening your bonding in heavenly love and affection.

Some5 fear and belief that if their partner gets to know about their true person or certain aspects of their inner being, then the relationship ends. I say he or she either does not love you or is not the right person for you6. Part of God's purpose for dating and marriage is to bring two distinct individuals together to complement each other thus7, taking them to perfection. Your partner's reaction(s) to your bad sides (weaknesses) should not and must not be mockery, rejection or irritation if he or she is truly God's choice for you. Your true (Godly choice) partner will first accept your person in love and later try8 to correct your faults. Pretence will ultimately end in offence.

Summarily the dos are:

1. Firstly:

  * Know/discover your partner's person.

  * Correct your partner's weaknesses or faults.

  * Build, enjoy and appreciate your partner's

strengths.

2. Secondly:

  * Know/discover yourself or your person.

  * Correct your weaknesses or faults.

  * Build, enjoy and appreciate your strengths.

3. Thirdly:

  * Allow your partner to know/discover you or

your person.

  * Allow your partner to correct or influence you positively9.

  * Allow your partner to build, enjoy and appreciate your strengths.

THE DON'TS

"Do we kiss, caress, fondle, romance or hold hands during dating?" "A little pecking shouldn't be harmful?" "I should at least be allowed keys to his apartment!" Why should sleeping over at his place be frowned at?" "I should be able to visit her alone since her place is far and nobody is willing to go with me?" "Since we have decided to be faithful to each other by tying the knot, why should having intercourse be a sin?" "How far do I go in dating?" In fact, the questions are ever endless.

I wouldn't like, neither would I want to give a set of rules or guidelines on these questions but would rather answer by considering our motive(s); the devil's tricks; and God's glory.

Motive: means the factor(s) or reason(s) that makes or influences one to act in a particular way. Before you do anything in dating, ask yourself the reason(s) why you so much passionately desire to do that thing? Why do you so much want and desire to kiss, hug, peck, caress, romance and hold hands? Is it to show affection or to aid intercourse? I have heard of dating partners that actually regarded all these acts as sinful yet, ended up committing fornication inside the church building. I have also met people that believe in some10 of these acts yet, maintained chastity all through their five years of dating period. In fact, the sister was still a virgin eight solid days after their wedding day. This is not to justify or say that indulging or not indulging in these acts is right but that our motive(s) is more significant than the act(s) itself11.

I was brought up not being hugged, kissed, caressed, lovingly and or affectionately held by my parents that, by the time I was in my twenties, I found it extremely hard and uncomfortable to hug anybody (the masculine gender inclusive). There are brethren (I know) that will not physically, emotionally and psychologically get over a mistaken bodily contact with the opposite sex for weeks. There are also some that will hug, kiss12, peck, hold, touch etc deliberately with no physical, emotional and or psychological trauma, giving one the impression that they are not human beings but stones and rocks. This also does not justify or make it right however, let's consider what the good book says:

'Beloved if our conscience is clear we can come to God with confidence' 13 - 14

My experience has taught me over the years that apart from the obvious sins mentioned in the scriptures15, what we do or do not do becomes sin (or otherwise) before God depending on our motive(s) or reason(s) for performing such acts. I am not saying these acts (on there own) are wrong neither am I saying it is right but that we all have motive(s) for doing whatsoever we decide to do and if that motive(s) or aim(s) is selfish, unholy, unrighteous and ungodly. Then it is not right.

Rahab the harlot lied and yet God regarded/took the act as righteousness16 that, her name even appeared in the genealogy of Jesus Christ17. This is not applauding lying or any form of sin but that God looked first at her motive before anything else. This goes to say that you can do what is seemingly and scripturally good and right yet commit sin by having the wrong motive. For example, tithe payment or giving which in its ordinary sense is great but if and when done grudgingly and or of necessity, it becomes divinely unacceptable18.

Therefore beloved, children of God, peculiar people, chosen generation, saints, brethren in the Lord, our conscience will be clear with confidence in God when we have the right, godly, holy, unselfish and righteous motive(s) in any of our endeavours. That's how far you are allowed to go in dating.

"Your weakness is not my weakness". A man of God said once that he did not allow his partner to even hold his hands while they were dating. According to his words, he just couldn't handle the sexual drive, sexual urge, sexual desire and sexual excitement that he felt and this, some will term simple body contact. There are those that can hold hands twenty four-seven19 and the motive(s) for it is to renew, assure, encourage, build, invest in, increase, rejuvenate and re-assure their love and affection for each other. Thus, the motive is right. Think the lesson here is, know your limit! The Bible says:

'Don't criticize them (the Lord's followers) for having beliefs that are different from yours. Some think it is all right to eat anything (i.e. pecking, hugging, fondling, touching and holding hands) while those whose faith is weak will eat only vegetables...What right do you have to criticize someone's else's servants? Only their Lord can decide if they are doing right, and the Lord will make sure that they do right...so, each of us must give an account to God for what we do'20

The Devil's Tricks: The Bible admonishes us to:

"...be wise as serpents (devil and what he stands for) and harmless as doves (symbolising the Holy Spirit)" 21

It also warns us to beware of:

'...the wiles (tricks, deceit, schemes, sly, ploy or cunningness) of the devil'22

Another portion of the scriptures say:

'...let him that (or who) thinks he stands (or is rock solid in faith) take heed (take care or give attention to his stance on faith) lest he fall (or commit sin)' 23

The devil is a cunning being which made and makes it easy for him to deceive Eve24 and the whole world25 respectively. You are part of that world (inhabitants of the earth) thus you are not yet exempted from his list(s) of delusions.

This is what I am driving at. However well your motive(s) may be, do not be slack to the devils tricks. In wanting to kiss, peck, caress, hug, touch or even hold your partner's hands with the full aim of showing/passing love and affection; do not forget that the devil can deceive you into going beyond your initial intention(s). It is a little peck but a little peck can turn into a little deep kiss26 and this in-turn can become a little hug that can lead to a little caressing and fondling of sexually sensitive body parts27. If you are not discipline physically28, emotionally29, psychologically30 and spiritually31 enough, you will end up with a little coitus32. Ones you've committed this, to stop will definitely become difficult or at times practically impossible. In fact countless stories of mature33, powerfully gifted, spirit-filled and tongue talking/praying children of God that have fallen under the trickery of the devil, abounds.

You want to visit him. Alright! But don't you think a little visit can lead to deflowering? Sleeping over at his place? Very wonderful, but how do you control your sexual urges and emotions in the middle of the night with abundance of privacy at your disposal? Again I am not saying these acts are wrong but that the devils first and most powerful weapon is deception which you must be sensitive and wise to, for (indeed) prevention is better than cure (if there is a cure!!!). One of my mothers use to put it this way: Don't eat (have sexual intercourse) what you will eat and enjoy for the rest of your life (i.e. after marriage) at the early or wrong time of your life (i.e. before and during the relationship).

God's Glory:

'If you are hurting others by the foods you eat, you are not guided by love. Don't let your appetite destroy someone Christ died for. Don't let your right to eat bring shame to Christ. God's kingdom...is about pleasing God, about living in peace...All foods are fit to eat, but it is wrong to cause problems for others by what you eat. It is best not to eat meat or drink wine or do anything else (kiss, hug, fondle, caress, touch affectionately, sleep over at his place etc) that cause problems for other followers...(for)...what you believe about these things should be kept between you and God. You are fortunate if your actions don't make you have doubts (or don't make you sin) 34

The idea is this: let us take the act of eating as those things we so much passionately desire to do during dating. To go by this scripture, these acts35 are not the important issue per se, but the fact that your indulging in the acts with indifference can make other Christians who are weak sexually36, to sin against God and thus, perish. Christ died and his blood was shed for every individual soul that exists37 so, when you indulge in these acts with indifference or with no sympathy to your fellow brethren, you sin against Christ and do not glorify your Creator. Paul concluded38 by saying if it will be meat (these acts) that will make his fellow brethren sin, he will eat no meat39. Does that act or action glorify your Maker? Is that act or action what Christ will or would have done if he found himself in your situation? Listen:

"Whether therefore you eat, or drink, or whatsoever you do, do all to the glory of God" 40

Thus, these are the dos and don'ts but there are certain specific attributes (or virtues) one must know, understand, possess and or develop if you are to have a good relationship, thereby creating a solid foundation for a God-willed Christian home. These virtues are:

Equality:

'And the LORD God said, "It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make (for) him an help (helper, assistant and supporter) meet for him" 41.

Both partners are equal in marriage. Equality, in the sense that the wife is not a slave or servant to be pushed around; and the husband is not the boss to shout or issue out orders, but a leader. If Eve42 had been taken/made from Adam's43 skull, then the wife would have been the head of the family; and if it was the bones of the legs or toes, she definitely would have been the slave or servant; but she was taken/made from the ribs44, signifying the man's heart/side thus, equality.

The Bible exalts husbands to be '...giving honour (deep respect) unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel...' 45

Firstly, it is to a higher authority or to somebody higher than one in rank and or position that one gives honour or deep respect to and if the men claim to be the boss or slave master/driver of their wives, why then does the Bible exalts husbands to honour their wives? 46

Secondly, the tense used is present continuous, 'giving', which means something that must be done on a continual basis.

Thirdly the fact that the feminine gender is termed the 'weaker vessel' does not mean that the masculine gender is strong or is a stronger vessel. If the woman is denoted to be the 'weaker vessel' then the man is the 'weak vessel'.

Fourthly the actual phrase used is, '...as unto (a weaker vessel)'. Meaning, the woman is like a weaker vessel not that she is actually weak or weaker in (spiritual) reality:

' _The same goes for you husbands: Be good husbands to your wives. Honor them, delight in them. As women they lack some of your advantages. But in the new life of God's grace, you're equals. Treat your wives, then, as equals so your prayers don't run aground'_ 47

It is men that are boys in their being that bosses their wives around, real men treat them as equals. This however does not mean wives should not be in subjection to their spouses48, but the idea in equality is for mutual submission one towards another in the fear of God49.

Unity

There must be unity of purpose; togetherness and oneness50. Before deciding to pursue any endeavour or to take a stand on any issue, ensure there is oneness else, the house that is divided against itself will fall51.

Transparency

This must be each partner's pursuit in the relationship. Intentional falsehood and half truths always end and or destroy relationship52.

Privacy

As much as possible, try and resolve issues (however difficult) privately, avoiding a third party. If there must be a third party, then the person must be (preferably) a spiritual parent and even this must be done with discretion as experience has personally thought me. Not all spiritual parents are good advisors. Not all spiritual parents are good at keeping secrets. Not all spiritual parents could or should be confided in. Remember you will soon be no longer two but one flesh53. Start practicing this (sex excluded), even while still dating.

Suspicion

This destroys relationship at the speed of sound for it is one of the major tools of the devil to steal, kill and destroy54 your peace, joy and happiness. Do not react to events or issues based on suspicion because suspicion does not (most times) necessarily represent the truth. Act on what you are sure of. Learn to trust your partner except when facts show otherwise.

Faithfulness

The existence of faithfulness in a relationship makes it healthy and vibrant. Learn a vital lesson from your Creator55 who always keep to His words and promises.

Longsuffering

That is the ability to bear problems or annoying behaviour or circumstances with patience. It also must be a strong virtue which must be known, understood, possessed and developed in dating and eventually marriage. This is because there is no relationship that does not have its own share of problems. Likewise also there is no individual that is so perfect, as not to have behavioural or attitudinal weaknesses or lapses. For you to enjoy both the highs and lows of dating, relationship and marriage, you must have longsuffering for:

'...the fruit of the (Holy) Spirit is...longsuffering...' 56

If it is a fruit of the Holy Ghost, then you must be rooted in the Spirit of God. Give yourself over to God's Spirit to work out this attribute in your inner being. It is only through this that one can possess longsuffering; enjoy dating and ultimately, marriage.

Communication

A Student Affairs Officer in his mid-fifties once approached me for the use of my place. This is to enable him go through a 3-day (non-stop) fasting and prayer session for his collapsing marriage of about twenty five (25) years with four children; two of whom were diseased. It was because I got curious; worrying for his strength, health and ability to go through such a rigour that he revealed the real purpose of the 3-day fasting and prayers to me. As we got talking, he revealed further that he had not been having sex with his wife for about ten years out of the twenty five years they were married. That there was an ever increasing suspicious plague in-between the two of them.

I was not dating then but the Spirit helped me to diagnose the root cause of their problem which was a lack of communication.

'...do not deprive (deny or cheat) each other of sexual relations. The only exception to this rule would be the agreement (via communication) of both husband and wife'57 - 58

It is not only in sexual matters but when the passing of ideas, opinions, thoughts, views and the likes from one partner to the other ceases or is not done in holiness, righteousness, honesty and sincerity, relationships inevitably breaks down. Communication is golden!

Sex

'The husband should not deprive his wife of sexual intimacy, which is her right as a married woman, nor should the wife deprive her husband...do not deprive each other of sexual relations.59

The issue of sex, sexual matters, sexual intimacy and sexual satisfaction cannot be exhausted in this book, but the main aim here is to make you understand the fact that most marriage relationships ends due to a lack of sexual satisfaction. It may look implausible but I declare to you that a sexually active individual60 will have serious sexual heartaches if married to a sexually passive individual61.

I can hear you say, "how do I get to know this since sexual intercourse is not approved (by God) before marriage?" Simple! When you spiritually pray in honesty and sincerity of heart that God should aid you choose the bone of your bone and the flesh of your flesh; choosing the right person sexually62 is included in that prayer.

This is the more reason why your choice in dating and marriage should be done with much care and in total submission and obedience to the Almighty. God wants you to marry brother or sister 'A7' and you end up with 'A8', you will have serious problems.

I got to know this63 while still single for I loved (still do) to read wide. Thus, I made my prayers specific by praying that, "God should aid me in choosing the right person spiritually, physically, sexually, psychologically, materially, emotionally, financially, purposefully, behaviourally etc. I recommend this for you!

Sacrificial Love

Finally, have love that inspires sacrifice or sacrificial love for each other. This is the one attribute that will keep the relationship burning and groovy.

'Husbands, love (sacrificially) your wives, even as Christ also loved the church (sacrificially), and gave himself (by dying) for it. 64

It is a bit difficult to come across scriptural verses that exalt wives to love their husbands (if in fact you can find one). This is because women by their nature do not find this difficult. It is men that does; women find 'submission' more of a problem and that is why you will find the Bible referring to this mostly, especially when and where it exalts men to love their wives.

A lot has been said about this in chapter one65 and I am not talking about lust or blind love where the love is only one-sided, is not reciprocated and the one that loves is only been taken advantage of . I am talking about the kind of love that when possessed and developed will aid one in surmounting the difference storms involved in dating, relationship and marriage. I am talking of God's kind of love.

HOW LONG SHOULD DATING LAST?

To put a time frame/period on this (in my view) will not be appreciably appropriate because each relationship, in its own way, is special and unique. That is, it has its own strengths, weaknesses, problems, background66, extended family issues, church/spiritual influences, cultural considerations; town, city or country's dictate(s), sexual benefits and or otherwise, child bearing plans or headaches and so on!!! What I think and believe is best, is for you to get married when God wants you to; when He has given both of you the go-ahead. Please and please, don't you ever attempt marriage without the Almighty's consent. DON"T!!!

' _In everything you do, put God first, and he will direct you and crown your efforts with success'_ 67

' _O Lord, I know it is not within the power of man to map his life and plan his course'_ 68 _  
_

' _We should make plans--counting on God to direct us'_ 69 _  
_

' _Since the Lord is directing our steps, why try to understand everything that happens along the way?'_ 70

Have a graceful time, dating!!!

ENDNOTES

  1. Genesis. 39:7-12.

  2. However temporal.

  3. Check Emotional Maturity: Chapter 2.

  4. Major or minor.

  5. Especially the feminine folks.

  6. Under the condition that you are sincere and true to your God and yourself.

  7. The sole aim.

  8. Through prayers, friendship; affection, love, counseling, reasoning, showing examples, advising, teaching, encouraging etc.

  9. Through working on your weaknesses.

  10. Pecking, hugging, fondling, touching and holding hands.

  11. James. 4:3.

  12. Not deep kiss.

  13. I John. 3:21(NLT).

  14. 'Beloved, if our heart condemn us not, then have we confidence

towards God' I John. 3:21 (KJV)

  15. Examples: fornication, adultery, sexual lusting, killing, incest,

cheating etc.

  16. Joshua. 2:1-24; 6:22-25; Hebrews. 11:31; James. 2:14-26 (note

v. 25).

  17. Matthew. 1:5, 16-17.

  18. II Corinthians. 9:7; I Peter. 4:9.

  19. 24 hours, 7 days.

  20. Romans. 14:1-12 (YTB).

  21. Matthew. 10:16.

  22. Ephesians. 6:11b.

  23. I Corinthians. 10:12.

  24. II Corinthians. 11:3.

  25. Revelation. 12:9.

  26. Mouth to mouth.

  27. Examples: breasts, nipples, thighs, bottoms, neck, private parts

etc.

  28. As to be able to control your sexual urges, desires and

excitement.

  29. To control your feelings.

  30. Putting the mind in control.

  31. Fear of God.

  32. As most culprits describe it.

  33. That is physically, emotionally, psychologically and spiritually

mature.

  34. Romans. 14:15-23 (YTB). Also check I Corinthians. 8:1, 8-13.

  35. Kissing, hugging, pecking, fondling, touching, holding etc.

  36. Whose sexual drive and desire can't be controlled easily.

  37. Matthew. 18:12-14; Luke. 15:4-7.

  38. In, I Corinthians. 8:1, 8-13.

  39. That is, will not indulge in these acts.

  40. I Corinthians. 10:31.

  41. Genesis. 2:18.

  42. First woman.

  43. First man.

  44. Genesis. 2:25.

  45. I Peter. 3:7.

  46. Or better put: their slaves or servants.

  47. I Peter. 3:7 (MSG)

  48. Ephesians. 5:22-24, 31b.

  49. Ephesians. 5:21.

  50. Matthew. 19:4-6.

  51. Matthew. 12:25; Mark. 3:25.

  52. I Samuel. 12:1-5.

  53. Genesis. 2:18, 21; Matthew. 19:4-6.

  54. John. 10:10.

  55. I Corinthians. 1:9.

  56. Galatians. 5:22.

  57. I Corinthians. 7:5a (NLT).

  58. 'Defraud (deny or cheat) you not one the other, except it be with consent (accomplished through genuine and proper communication) for a time...' I Corinthians. 7:5a.

  59. I Corinthians. 7:3-5 (NLT).

  60. That is one that gets sexually aroused easily, quickly and frequently.

  61. That obtains sexual arousal with difficulty, slowness and rarity.

  62. Active, passive or in-between.

  63. That is individual sexual capacity and its importance to sexual satisfaction in marriage.

  64. Ephesians. 5:25.

  65. Under, 'What really is love?'

  66. Background of individuals involved inclusive.

  67. Proverbs. 3:6 (TLB).

  68. Jeremiah. 10:23 (TLB).

  69. Proverbs. 16:9 (TLB).

  70. Proverbs. 20:24 (TLB).

BACKPAGE

PERSONAL INFORMATION

Name: A. Femi Oduwaiye.

Address: 37, Iseyin Street, Palmgrove, and Lagos, Nigeria.

Phone Number: +2348066428756, +2348126607749

E-mail: divnetcom9972@yahoo.com

ABOUT THE AUTHOR:

_A. Femi_ Oduwaiye _:_ is a graduate of Food Science and Technology from the Federal Polytechnic Ado-Ekiti, Ondo State (Nigeria) and the University of Agriculture, Abeokuta, Ogun State, (Nigeria). He also has a Diploma in Missions and Pastoral Ministry from New Life Missions Institute, Ibadan, Oyo State (Nigeria). He is a man with a passion, a calling and with a mission to turn you from the power of Satan unto God thus, making the blackness of your darkness to become light (Acts. 26:17-18). He is married with kids.

ABOUT THE BOOK:

For you to have a successful marriage, you must have a good, articulate, well-grounded, well-guided, well-furbished, holy and righteous dating period. A bad marriage has its roots embedded in bad dating (vice-versa). God desires you to experience marital 'bliss' and the Devil, wishes you 'hell' in marriage. The devil does this by distorting the essence, plan, view and purpose of God for dating, relationship, fellowship, intimacy, affection, love, and ultimately marriage. This book offers you the keys to unlocking the secrets to a blissful, holy, righteous, lovely, happy and joyful dating time. Its aim is to ensure a heavenly, protected, preserved, approved, hopeful, faithful, supported, guarded, guided, anchored, helpful and directed relationship. It will give you the opportunity to intimately love and be loved.

