

Fantasy Quest: Vampire Hack

By Den Warren

SMASHWORDS EDITION

A SpecFic Omega Publication

© 2017 All Rights Reserved

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Please feel free to use small excerpts from this book as long as the author and title are mentioned.

Cover Image: Boreal Valley – Dark Souls III
Chapter 1

Lord Cornfoot the Annoying was accompanied by a stern looking Priest, who was holding a yard-tall crucifix. They were backed by Cornfoot's personal guardsmen, a sizeable serf militia, and Gorovian mercenaries. Cornfoot shouted to the castle defenders, "Ye bastards! I shall tear down every stone of this haven for creatures of the night unless you turn over that wretched vampire beyotch!"

The fancy lad was surrounded by simple idiots atop the wall shouted from behind the jagged battlements, "You and what army?!"

Cornfoot looked at his left and right and shook his head, "My patience is wearing thin! Bring her to me at once, or I shall get medieval on your buttocks!"

The fancy lad looked confused and said, "Depart! You drastically vile sexual deviant! You have no business here with our beloved Countess Irene Von Stroganoff! She does not identify with being a vampire, nor any other sort of undead! Off with you, before we dump a bucket full of an unsavory combination of feces and urine on your stupid head!"

"Eh?!" Cornfoot leaned toward his grizzled old general as far as he could; given the top-heavy weight of his metal breastplate and helmet.

"Poo poo and pee pee, Lordship," the general said.

"Filthy bastards they are. All of them." Cornfoot sat straight again and said to the fancy lad, "The vampiress Irene's eyes be white . . . all white, actually. Her teeth be sharp, like that of a dog! You are giving refuge to a vampire! Your very actions suggest that you have all been turned to vampires!"

"Really?!" the fancy lad said. "Your ignorance is on full display! No one believes in vampires anymore!"

Suddenly, the haggardly Countess Irene Von Stroganoff appeared at the top of the wall with a black hood over her head, revealing only her pale face. Her cloak had a very tall collar. Even from the ground it was evident that she clearly had dog teeth and all-white eyes. She hissed and pointed down at the opposing forces. There was muttering among the opposing men that sounded like fear. The men used their hands in the crossing motion over their hearts hoping that God would see fit to spare them from the evil menace.

Lord Cornfoot said, "If there be a non-vampire among you, ye will want to rid your town of Stroganoff of her! The evidence all speaks for itself!"

The fancy lad looked at Irene then back to Cornfoot and said, "Okay, that doesn't mean anything! No one believes you when you play the vampire card! If we were all vampires, then we would not be out in the daytime sun, exposing our vampire skins to the scars of eternal burning!"

Countess Irene turned and looked at the fancy lad. Then she hastily departed.

Fancy Lad said, "Anyhow; verily, I say unto you, annoying one; that if you so much as dream of breaching these sacred walls, your malevolent deed will come back and bite you in your big fat ass a hundredfold!"

"Fear not!" Cornfoot drew and raised his sword and said, "You and the demon whore's wretched souls will find eternal rest at the hand of thy sword, and we shall drive wooden stakes through the hearts of every last one of you! Pray that you turn to dead vampire dust so the vultures that circle above will not feast on your rotting flesh! This is your final warning you loathsome mouthpiece of hell!"

"Wow such a deal! Where do I sign up?!" the fancy lad said, holding the sided of his head. "Believe me, Cornfoot, you and your deplorable haters will face certain excommunication if you attack us!"

There was more muttering of concern among Cornfoot's men. Many were crossing themselves.

Cornfoot said, "Fool! Did ye not see the Priest at me side?! Ye are the dim ones facing excommunication!"

A simple idiot standing next to the fancy lad poured down the vile contents of a slop bucket from atop of the tall castle outer wall. The contents of the bucket nearly landed on Cornfoot as it splattered on the muddy ground.

"Attack!" Lord Cornfoot ordered.

The general repeated the order and the trumpet sounded the attack. Cornfoot's archers sent a volley of arrows up toward the top of the wall hitting no one, and the defending archers returned fire. A couple of Cornfoot's loitering militia spearmen were felled.

"Retreat!" Lord Cornfoot commanded. "We shall lay siege to this wicked outpost of Hell! Ye shall rue the day!"

The fancy lad was looking down and saying in a mocking manner, "Ye shall rue the day . . . blah blah blah."

Cornfoot's personal guardsmen and Gorovian mercenary forces pulled back out of the range of the Stroganoff archers and set up camp. Cornfoot ordered a messenger, Reginald-Bob to go and have provisions sent to the camp from his stronghold. Then he called for his war engineer, Zigmund, to build a siege engine at their camp outside of Stroganoff.

Zigmund's eyes were half open and he sighed and asked Lord Cornfoot, "What do you need?"

"You tell me, you're the engineer."

Zigmund said, "I asked you first. Obviously it depends on how fast you want to knock down the wall and get in there. How am I supposed to know? Maybe you want to attack with platforms at the top? Maybe you want to burrow underneath?"

Lord Cornfoot sighed. "You engineers are not really people persons, are you?"

Zigmund rolled his eyes and said, "Fine. We'll build a trebuchet, that way we can launch really big rocks into their wall."

"I know what a trebuchet is."

"Yeah. Because I just told you."

Glshk was the burly leader of the Gorovian mercenaries. He approached Lord Cornfoot and said something incomprehensible in Gorovian while doing some hand gestures.

Cornfoot screamed, "I . . . CAN'T . . . UNDERSTAND . . . YOU. SPEAK . . . IN . . . THE . . . COMMON . . . TONGUE."

Glshk muttered more Gorovian remarks in a contemptuous tone while shaking his head and walking away.

*******

After a few days, progress on the trebuchet was almost non-existent. Yet, because of the siege, no one was going in or out of Castle Stroganoff.

The messenger Reginald-Bob ran up to Cornfoot and said, "Lordship, the convoy bringing our provisions was raided, and everything stolen!"

Cornfoot grabbed Reginald-Bob by the collar and shook him. "What?! I thought we eradicated those brigands!"

"No, Lordship. Word on the street is that the perp was Sir Lekrak and his men."

Cornfoot shook Reginald-Bob even harder. "Lekrak?! How do you know this?!"

"Lord, there were many witnesses in the village who said they saw Lekrak, the Bleu Knight and his men perpetrate the evil deed."

Cornfoot shook Reginald-Bob again, almost causing him a concussion. "How dare he betray me like this?! Send word at once to me allies! There shall be war!"

"Aye, Lordship." Reginald-Bob staggered away then changed directions and was on his way.
Chapter 2

Meanwhile, in the Castle Stroganoff, in the smallish candle lit room known as the great hall, Fancy Lad appeared in front of Count Graf IV. Feeling stress from the siege, the Count had a troubled look on his face as he stared at the stone floor, half-consciously petting one of the three hounds who were at his feet. His hair was defying gravity in random directions, and he had not shaved.

The fancy lad said, "My Lord, Cornfoot the Annoying and his army, have refused to halt the siege, and he is still threatening to have you excommunicated by the church."

The Count looked up and said, "Seriously?! That's a bit over the top; just because a few serfs with the plague wandered into his realm. That's it. I'm getting a lawyer."

"Lordship, forgive me for repeating myself, but plagued serfs wandering into Cornfoot's hold is not the cause of the siege. We have tried to beseech the help of the King, but he will not touch the case for fear of being excommunicated himself. If anything, Cornfoot's action gives us a Casus Belli over him."

"A what?"

The Fancy Lad raised an eyebrow and whispered, "We can unfriend him."

The Count shrugged his shoulders and said, "Like, that will avail us naught, right?"

Fancy Lad said, "Perhaps we should, you know, consider handing over the Countess."

The Count said, "You know I wouldn't object to giving that high-maintenance wench away on a personal level, but how would that look to my rivals if I gave up my own Countess to some small-time land holder with a few barbarians looking to make a name for himself? No, lad. I have always done my best to maintain a certain level of prestige."

"Aye, we wouldn't want anyone to think less of you, Lordship." Fancy Lad cleared his throat and said, "We could muster a larger army, and call in favors from our allies. Sir Lekrak, the Bleu Knight has been quite helpful already, you know."

"Big armies cost money, lad. What be the point?"

Fancy Lad said, "My Lord, Cornfoot and his minions crossed the line, and we must act to maintain prestige."

Count Graf said, "I hope Cornfoot and his bunch of buffoons plan on reseeding the lawn after they get done trampling their divots all over it! Every time you tear up the turf you get weeds, you know!"

The lad said, "What I was getting at was that they attacked us without provocation with a salvo of arrows. He still contends that the siege is because the Countess Irene has become . . . one of the undead."

"Who died and made him archbishop on the undead?! I tell you, people in this neighborhood just like to run their big fat mouths when they know not of what they speak! I know that the Countess has been a little under the weather, but that's no reason for him to bad mouth a noble Lady!"

"Aye, my Lord. Shall I call for the healer, Dragos to examine the Countess?"

Count Graf shook his head, rolled his eyes and sighed. He said, "I guess. I hate that greasy guy, but he's the only Doctor on my plan."

As Fancy Lad was leaving, Count Graf's ten year-old son, the Viscount Graf Von Stroganoff the Fifth appeared in the great hall.

"Dad, they say we still can't take the coach out. When will this suckish siege thing be over?"

"I don't know."

Then the Viscount asked, "Well, can I have my friends come over here, then?"

"You don't really understand what a siege is, do you? What do you guys do anyhow?"

"We play a role-playing game called Modern Men and Machines. It's an RPG where your character lives in a future world where you have high powered weapons and can drive in horseless carriages and can fly in flying machines, and you fight each other."

"That is of the devil," the Count said.

The Viscount responded, "Why is everything you don't understand or don't like of the devil? You don't even think about it before you say anything."

"Does it have dice?"

"Yes."

"Devil."

"Dad, it be just make believe."

"Whatever. Tools of the devil are diverse. Just be careful of it," the Count said, "I don't want you to lose your wits about you and start killing people. You should be working on your swordsmanship anyway, you know."

"Okay," the young Viscount said, "that's not a mixed message. Wasn't there four dogs there before?"

"No, I mean, I don't think so," the Count said.

Fancy Lad came back with the healer, Dragos. The healer was not a tidy man. He was obese with long, greasy gray and black hair that seemed to be growing everywhere on his face with much less hair density on the top of his head.

The Count abruptly said, "Let's go up to Irene's chamber. Please try not to upset her."

"Why would you think I would upset her?" the Doctor asked.

"Oh I don't know, perchance because you always do."

They went up the long spiral staircase up into the tower where to Irene's chamber. The Count opened the door and walked in with Doctor Dragos following behind. The Chambermaid was on the other side of the room with her hand over her breast. It appeared that she was keeping her distance from Irene, who looked particularly haggardly. Irene and The Chambermaid were both startled by the Count's sudden appearance.

The Countess hissed at the Doctor, showing her teeth.

"Oh my," Dragos said. "A bit of a temper today I see."

The Count rolled his eyes. That's all just an act.

Dragos walked toward Irene, who showed her sharp teeth. He jumped back a bit, and then he tried to move in for a better look. "There, there, Countess. It will be all right." He looked her up and down, doing an inventory. "Skin color not so good. Her eyes are . . . indescribable." He spoke to The Chambermaid while he was taking stock of the Countess's symptoms. "Has she been vomiting up anything black?

"Not really, Doctor. All I really noticed was that her sleeping is irregularly messed up. She'll be up all night, and then sleep all day. I'm sure she just woke up, you know."

"Has she been eating well?"

"No, Doctor."

"Hmm. . . I see no real dyscrasia."

"Thank God, Doctor!" the Count said.

The startled healer looked at the Count. Then back at his patient. "No quinsy, scrum pox; oddly enough, no ablepsy. Looks like maybe a little cachexia."

"Oh my God!" the Count said. "Not that! You have to do something!"

The Doctor said, "Take a chill pill, Count. Cachexia just means a little malnutrition. This woman needs to eat. Otherwise, I would say nothing is wrong with her."

"What?!" The Count said, "What are you, batcrazy?! You saw her! You call that 'normal'?!"

Dragos said, "Count, rest assured that I am bringing you the most advanced medical advances from the other side of the forest."

"You sir, are a fraud, and a quack."

The healer said, "I wasn't going to say anything, but you give me no choice. I think the main problem here is all of the inbreeding you nobles do. It is all starting to catch up with you people."

The Chambermaid started giggling, but put her hand over her mouth.

"That's an outrage!" the Count said.

"Is it really?" Dragos said. "I know a certain aristocrat; not mentioning any names, but you know of whom I speak. Anyway he became his own uncle."

"That's balderdash!"

"Is it?" Dragos said, "You know, if you ever decide to marry off your young physically questionable Viscount, my vigorous daughter may become available." He started raising his eyebrows up and down.

Count Graf said, "A member of the House of Stroganoff, marry the daughter of Dragos?! My family does not marry in with commoners!"

"Have it your way, Count Hemophiliac."

The Count said, "It's too late to butter me up with compliments now! I think you are just scheming of a way to take my title! You come in here and declare some weird exotic disease names and then take my money with your exorbitant fees! I remind you that you serve us here at our discretion. I shall show you out of the keep now, Doctor." He turned toward The Chambermaid and said, "You think you could work on her . . ." He motioned his hand over his face. ". . . you know. . ."

The bedchamber maid said, "Aye, m'lord. But you should know that while I was grooming the Lady, she mentioned a peculiar curiosity. She said she was unable see her own reflection in the mirror."

Dragos squinted and frowned. "That would be a bit strange."

The Count's eyes were shifting and he said, "Certainly you are mistaken. Mirrors can be tricky with the angles and such."

"Aye, m'lord, tricky angles it is." She shook her head.

Chapter 3

A messenger from Lord Cornfoot showed up at the front gate of the palatial chateau of the Marquis du Franch. There was another young man waiting at the front gate waiting to gain an audience with the Marquis.

"Who are you?" Cornfoot's messenger, Reginald-Bob asked.

"I am Razvan, Envoy sent by the Count of Stroganoff."

"What are you doing here?"

"Never mind that, simpleton," Razvan said, "Who are you, and what are you doing here?"

"I am Reginald-Bob, representing the House of Cornfoot. I am here to gain the help of the Marquis, in our effort to destroy your vile Count."

"Reginald-Bob? That's quite a fancy name, for such a plain-looking doofus undertaking such a futile cause, because that is why I am here. So you may as well get out of here."

"Well, what kind of a name is Razvan? It sounds like a pet rock or 'blah blah' spelled sideways."

"What?! Perhaps I should show you some manners." Razvan moved within striking range of Reginald-Bob

"Why don't you just leave?!" Reginald-Bob said.

"Why should I? I was here first, bitch-Bob!"

Suddenly, the messengers saw a small face-sized portal on the large door open. A voice asked, "Who goes there?"

The two raced to the door nudging at each other to introduce themselves.

"Very well," the handsome man in the portal said. They could see the door was opened by a flamboyant sentry carrying a spear and a pink shield. His male package in the front of his extremely short and tight pink pants was accentuated by a large leather codpiece. He said, "Follow me."

Reginald-Bob said, "It's pretty cool the way your pink uniforms promote breast cancer awareness."

The dazzling sentry looked confused and he continued walking.

The young men were led by the good-looking sentry on a extremely long tidy walkway by several baroque statues depicting naked male warriors, posing provocatively in battle. There were fountains with more of the sensual nude statues too busy fighting to worry about any clothes.

They arrived at the spacious foyer of the chateau. There were huge paintings on the wall of naked men, mostly in battle.

The Marquis du Franch walked in from a back door. He had an ostentatious hat with a large brim adorned with a huge purple plume. "I am the Grand Marquis du Franch." He held his gaudy ring out to be kissed by the messengers.

Reginald-Bob kissed the extravagant ring while looking sideways at Razvan.

Razvan sneered at Reginald-Bob and gave the ring a quick peck, not lingering any longer than he had to.

The Marquis said, "What brings you men here to my humble abode?"

The buff sentry said, "I found them at the gate, and they looked as if they were about to fight."

The Marquis gave both of the messengers the up and down elevator eyes and said, "You boys don't like each other?"

"Nay, your Marquis-ness" Reginald-Bob said.

"The proper address is 'Lordship'," the Marquis said.

"I knew that, Lordship," Razvan said. "I represent Count Graf Von Stroganoff, Lordship. We beseech your aid in our time of need, Lordship. Our castle is under siege by the wretched Baronet Cornfoot and his uncouth barbarian hordes, Lordship."

"Hey!" Reginald-Bob said, "That is a total misrepresentation. Lord Cornfoot is more than just a Baronet!"

"What is he then, Head Dog Catcher?" Razvan asked.

"Well, he's at least a Baron! I think he's like some kind of like, uber-Baron," Reginald-Bob said.

"Oh, come on! You're just making that up!" Razvan said. "There's no such title as that! You Cornfeet are a pack of liars!"

"We are not Cornfeet! And your Countess is a blood-sucking vampire!"

"What?! I ought to . . . "

"Boys!" The Marquis said, "This is no way for gentlemen to settle a dispute. You must fight it out in the ring of honor."

Razvan said, "Ring of honor, Lordship?"

"Yes. We assemble the entire staff of the house, and we witness as you fight each other unto submission."

Reginald-Bob said, "I accept the challenge."

"I likewise accept," Razvan said. "Bring it."

"Good!" The Marquis got a big smile on his face. "We will fetch you your weapons and shield."

Reginald-Bob said, "Will we wear armor?"

"Ha!" the Marquis laughed. "No. You must fight in the classical way, like Carthaginians, like real men. You will fight naked."

"Naked?" Razvan asked, "You mean like nude, with not a single bit of clothing?"

The two messengers looked at each other.

The Marquis asked, "What? Are you scared to fight each other now?"

Reginald–Bob said, "Not per se. Perhaps I was a little judgmental toward Razvan here. I just got caught up in the moment."

Razvan said, "Yeah. I should have been more considerate of a fellow envoy who was just trying to do his job."

"Me too," Reginald-Bob said, with a nod of approval.

"What?" The Marquis became disappointed. "No, you must fight. What will your leaders say if they found out you refused to fight in their name?"

Razvan said, "You want to play that way? Fine. You can forget our help the next time someone decides to come in here and loot your holdings."

"Wait," the Marquis said, "Cornfoot will help me, right?"

"Nay," Reginald-Bob said. "The idea of me fighting in your arena in front of your subjects in my birthday suit is not the image my Lord Cornfoot would want me to project in his name. I'm out."

"Then both of you are no longer welcome here," The Marquis said. "I officially must abstain from helping either of you so I can maintain neutrality."

The messengers were escorted out of the Palace du Franch by the dazzling sentry and the door slammed behind them. They looked at the door, then at each other.

Reginald-Bob said, "You know, when I became an envoy, I thought that I would help make peace in the world. But all I do is run around threatening to kick everyone's ass."

Razvan said, "Yeah, I know. Sometimes I am just hoping our enemies won't call my bluff and decide to attack us."

Reginald-Bob said, "You think it is possible for us to become friends, even though we officially must be enemies?"

"Sure. Maybe we can even help each other out."

The two young men shook hands.

Razvan asked, "So where you going next?"

"Well, I was going to go see the Warthog. But what if I don't see him, and you call off seeing the Bleu Knight?"

Razvan said, "Look how many lives would be saved if we keep all these players out of a bigger war."

"Yeah. The world would be a better place."

"Yeah," Razvan agreed. "Well, I gotta run, friend."

"Okay, me too. So, you are not going to see the Bleu Knight, right?"

"Um, yeah, as long as you are not going to see the Warthog."

"Well, make sure that you don't do it," Razvan said.

"Don't worry about me," Reginald-Bob said, "Just make sure that you don't do what you say you are not going to do."

"Hey," Razvan said, "I always do what I say I am going to do."

"How would I know?" Reginald-Bob said. "Besides, we are talking about not doing what we say we are not going to do."

"You don't really, do you?" Razvan said.

"Do what?"

"So you are saying you won't do it?"

"You mean not do something in the positive sense, or do something negative in the positive sense?"

"Did I say that? Don't put words in my mouth?" Razvan said. "I'm not sure that by the way you are parsing your words that you can be totally trusted."

Reginald-Bob tensed up, "Are you accusing me of being a liar?!"

"What do you think?!" Razvan asked. "You started the whole thing anyhow."

"You did!" Reginald-Bob shoved Razvan, who shoved him back. Reginald-Bob grappled Razvan, who took a swing and caught Reginald-Bob's mouth. Then they began to grapple, trying to gain leverage over each other. They both fell to the ground punching at each other. They started kicking and biting. They fought until they were both exhausted.

Razvan shoved Reginald-Bob away and said, "I vow that I will go to the far ends of the world to gain help from every army possible, to bring death upon every last one of your loathsome Cornfeet vermin!"

Reginald-Bob said, "I shall do the same! Only better! Woe unto every last one of your heathen spawns of Hell! We shall send you all back from where you came!"

The Envoys went their separate ways.
Chapter 4

The castle keep included the heavily fortified stone house and circular tower where the House of Stroganoff resided. Outside of the keep were the inner walls. Outside of the inner walls were the vertically integrated Stroganoff owned businesses; ox-driven flour mill, bakeries, blacksmith, numerous craftsmen, warehouses, Doctor Dragos's Clinic, a tavern and the tiny cottages of the peasants. The Stroganoff enterprises were all surrounded by the outer walls. Outside of the outer walls was County Stroganoff, where the serfs ran their own tiny farms. Some serfs lived in small hamlets for mutual protection.

The surrounding farms were owned by those who worked the soil, which was unusual in the Kingdom that the farms were not owned by a noble. This private ownership gave the serfs motivation to be more productive than some areas that were populated with indentured servants. Farmers liked to sell to the Stroganoff mill because they would get a good price for their sheaves of wheat. The Von Stroganoff family owned the mills and bakeries that produced bread. Low cost Stroganoff bread was in turn traded to nearby towns for all sorts of goods, such as mead, weapons, armor, and fruit. Although the cut of the bread profits was small for the Von Stroganoffs, it still added up to a large sum because of the volume.

Inside the outer walls of Stroganoff, in the tavern, some peasants were at a table passing the time.

"Ahhhh!" The graying ox-tender from the mill wiped the mead off of his face. Then he belched. "That is my tribute to our great Count Graf, the man who is overseeing us losing our jobs and probably our very lives." He hoisted his mug up high and took another long drink.

"Aye, a worthy testament indeed," said the coal tender from the blacksmith shop. Only the Count and the farmers are making any money. We Stroganoff peasants are getting squeezed in the middle. I spend all day stoking the blacksmith furnaces as if I were fueling Hades itself. What do I have to show for it? You might as well say we are indentured servants."

The ox-tender said, "We are paid a fair wage, but we are charged tyrannical amounts of rent for the hovels we live in."

"You know what I heard?" The coal stoker said, "Me cousin is a simple idiot at the Stroganoff House and he says that the only reason the siege is continuing, is because the Priest wants to take the Countess to Inquisition."

A woman at the table, who worked at a bakery said, "My friend is the Countesses' chambermaid, and she said the Countess acts like a vampire."

"Ha!" the ox-tender said, "You stupid wench! You believed her?!"

The woman said, "She's no liar, you piece of filth! She said the Countess sleeps like a vampire, has eyes like a vampire, has teeth like a vampire, and she could not see her reflection in the mirror."

"You women are such fools, believing such rubbish," the ox-handler said, "Those people up on the hill think they are so much better than the rest of us with their fancy mirrors and such. They're no different, I say."

The woman said, "They are better than you, especially the men folk. Of course, the beggars on the street are better than you."

The man grabbed one of the woman's breasts and said, "That's not what you said last night."

She spun around and punched him solidly in the face and he fell backwards off of the bench they were sitting on. She turned to him and said, "He never told you? I gave your brother my opinion of your worth when I woke this morning!"

The coal tender and most of the tavern patrons were laughing at the bawdy brawl.

The ox-man got up holding his mouth and said, "It was a lucky shot!" He took his seat back at the table.

The coal tender said in a hushed tone, "Don't look, over in that table."

The woman looked.

"I said don't look! Those two blokes over there; they are grave diggers. They are listening to our every word."

"So?" the woman said, "Let them hear all they want. Someone has to dig the holes. You wouldn't want spoiling corpses lying about would you?"

The coal tender said, "It's not that. It's just that I don't like their looks. They look alike, as if they could be kin, maybe because of their unibrows. They both have low-set ears. Look at their disgusting, ghoulish, long, curved fingernails holding their cups."

"You're creeping me out," the woman said. "So stop it."

The ox-tender rubbed his bleeding nose. "I'm ready to go." He got up and the others followed. The drunken trio were barely able to walk outside. It was dark out and they all lived in an especially dark section of the city.

The coal tender looked up in the clear sky. "Tis a full moon tonight. A bad omen."

The woman laughed and said, "The whole of my life is a bad omen."

They walked the street, still feeling their intoxication. There was a loud wolf howling.

"Listen! That was really close!" the coal tender said.

"I'm scared now!" the woman said.

"I'll protect you," the ox-tender said. "I work with an ox all day. A wolf is nothing." The man seized the opportunity to accidently grope the woman again.

She gave him a body shot with her fist. "What's wrong with you?!"

The ox tender said, "Only some swelling of a particular organ. Otherwise, I am fit as can be."

She rolled her eyes. "You're a bloody idiot. The best remedy for your problem is to cut away the organ to save you the irritation."

As they passed through a particularly dark shadowed segment of the street, the ox tender started invading the woman's space again.

Just then they heard a deep growling noise. Then a roar, and another roar. Suddenly they were all three knocked down to the street. The woman tried to get her orientation back after the fall. She felt an object on the ground. It was the severed head of the ox-tender. She screamed a scream that could be heard all over town. Then she heard the guttural sounds of the coal-tender trying to scream, then the internal organs of his body being eviscerated by the slashing of claws. Then the woman screamed again and tried to scramble to get away. She was unable to see anything in the almost total darkness. She knew the screaming and heavy panting would give her position in the dark away, but she couldn't stop.

A man's voice coming from further up the street shouted, "Werewolves! Leave that woman be!"

The woman ran away from the sound of the werewolves and toward the man's voice. She found the man in the dark. "Please help me!"

The man said, "I can protect you . . . from them." He laughed and told the werewolves, "You shall not have this one."

The werewolves accepted the truce and began to feed on the men.

"Don't let them get me!" she pleaded.

"They won't. Not for the rest of your life."

Then she felt a sharp pain on her neck. She was being bitten by the man, who was a vampire. She tried to resist, but he was super strong and held her arms firmly in place, and was holding her entire body up off of the ground so flailing her legs was of no avail. She could feel her life blood being drained from her as the vampire fed on her lifeblood and she started to lose consciousness. Her pain was eased when she fell unconscious. That was her last memory.
Chapter 5

Meanwhile in the Castle Stroganoff in the great hall, Count Graf was somberly pondering the grave plight of the town of Stroganoff while in the company of his two hounds. He ran his fingers through his hair and stroked at his beard.

Constable O'Taku, a small man in black leather armor came into the hall, "Count, there was a serious triple murder last night near the tavern."

"Oh really. It's hard to imagine a triple murder not being serious, but go ahead, continue your report. I could use some more bad news right now."

"Yeah. The vics look like some kind of creature of the night got a hold of them. Total dismemberment, with a lot of the flesh eaten off of the bone. Blood all over the place, except for next to the woman victim. Maybe she was some kind of undead or something. She was real pale looking."

"I'm not sure why you are sharing these gory details with me, because the Countess never left her bedchamber last night."

The Constable said, "I never said anything about the Countess. Do you know something I ought to know?"

The Count's eyes shifted from side to side. "Not really, I was just saying that she was not harmed. Thank God." He wiped faux sweat off of his brow.

"Yeah. That's really good to know. Anyhow; just wanted to let you know what was going on. The townspeople are pretty upset about it. To be honest, they are not happy with you personally at all."

"What makes you say that? I am the most beloved noble in the realm."

"This morning they burned you in effigy in the style of a vampire. Then they flung the remnants of the effigy into a pile of dung. Then they were peeing on it, both men and women. They are tired of the siege and now with the murders. . ."

"All that is your job. You need to fix it!"

"My job? What can I do about your rock-bottom approval rating?"

"You need to focus on your task at hand and not politics."

"Aye, I'll get right on that, Count," he said as he left the hall.

The young Viscount came into the great hall. He looked around and said, "Dad, wasn't there three dogs there the last time?"

"Um, no, you asked me that same exact thing the last time."

"No, there were three and I asked you where the fourth one was. Don't you recall me asking you that?"

"No! I didn't take notes! What is the big deal with the number of dogs?!"

The Viscount was becoming upset with the Count's harsh tone.

The Count calmed down and said, "I'm just under a lot of pressure right now. What I am saying is that there are more important things going on in Stroganoff than counting dogs. What about your mother? Aren't you the least bit concerned with your mother's health?"

"I don't see her much lately. She sleeps a lot. What's going on with her?"

"You tell me."

The Fancy Lad came in and the frustrated Viscount took his arrival as his cue to leave.

The Fancy Lad said, "Cornfoot is making some progress on their siege engine. That could pose a problem."

The Count said, "How nice. We need another plan, and soon."

Fancy Lad said, "We could invite Cornfoot to dinner, then maybe he would see there is nothing suspicious going on here. Perhaps he would call off the siege."

The Count stroked his hairy chin. He held up his index finger and started pacing the floor. "That sounds daft, but perhaps that is not the worst idea. Of course there is the chance that things could go wrong." He started stroking his chin again.

Fancy Lad said, "I'm not sure there is anything left that could get any worse."

The Count shrugged his shoulders. "Fine, see if he will accept the invitation. I have to think about what is best for the next generation of Stroganoffians. The King buys a lot of bread off of us, because he knows we are a dependable supplier. I will not let some small-time wannabe like Cornfoot force me to hand over the Countess, and make Stroganoff look feckless and become the joke of the Kingdom." The Count sighed. "I am really starting to hate that Cornfoot guy. What is his deal anyway?"

*******

The leaders conducting the siege on Castle Stroganoff accepted the invitation to dine in the castle. That evening, an armed escort brought Lord Cornfoot, the Priest, and the grizzled old general by carriage into the castle. Cornfoot gazed at the angry, shabbily dressed peasants who wore the traditional Stroganoff purple and green. They looked hungry and goiter was prevalent among them.

The peasants shouted diverse disparaging remarks at Cornfoot. Here are some of the least offensive quotable gems they heard:

A filthy serf covered in filth held up her filthy baby and was shouting "The children! The children!"

"Hash tag, you suck to the max!"

"You know what the difference between Cornfoot and Graf is?! Nothing!"

"Peasant lives matter!"

"I'd throw a rotten tomato at you if I had one to eat!"

One man shouted from atop the wall, "Siege this!" as he mooned Cornfoot in a pale hairy manner.

Then the Constable came to the scene with several more soldiers. He commanded, "Disperse at once!"

The man shouted from atop the wall, "Disperse this at once!" as he once again bent over and mooned the Constable in a pale hairy manner, while slapping his buttocks.

The Constable was able to lead the procession into the castle keep safely, but not with their dignity intact.

Chapter 6

Each of the attendees to the dinner party were personally announced as they entered the smallish great hall. Count Graf Von Stroganoff the Fourth was seated at the head of the long table, with Viscount Graffy Von Stroganoff seated beside him. On the other side of the Count was an empty seat. On the other end of the long table was the plaintiff, Lord Cornfoot, with the Priest at his side and the grizzled old general on the other. Others in attendance included the Constable, Fancy Lad, and other Stroganoff military officers.

The Count said, "Welcome to all. I hope we can all have a pleasant time together, and put aside our disagreements. I'd like to request that the Priest lead us in prayer."

Everyone stood as the Priest prayed totally in Latin, a tongue that none of them understood in the least. But from the intonation of the dead language words, the Count and everyone else imagined that he was being damned to Hell. Then everyone took their seats.

The Count said, "Thank you, your holiness, for those words."

Cornfoot directed his voice to the other end of the table and said, "It appears that your subjects are well beyond agitated out there. We had a tough time getting in."

The Count said, "I must apologize, Cornfoot. It's just that I am so immensely popular that they hate everyone one else; especially those who willfully and wantonly go out of their way to make things more difficult for them. You know, like conducting a siege of the town, or whatever. Bless their little peasant hearts. I can't help it. They just absolutely adore me."

Cornfoot said, "How nice for you. Where is that . . . let me say this as generously as possible; Countess?"

The Count said, "She'll be along shortly, I'm sure."

"When?" Cornfoot asked, "After it becomes dark outside? Perhaps she sleeps during the day and only roams about at night?"

The Count was smiling and laughing. He said, "No, no. It's nothing at all like that. You know how the women like to dawdle; then make a grand appearance."

The crier shouted, "Her Lady, Countess Irene Von Stroganoff!"

The entire party, all men, stood as she descended down the stairs, followed by The Chambermaid who was carrying her train, which is actually a part of her gown, not a conveyance on steel rails. Her hair and gown were fashionable, but her all-white eyes and grayish pale complexion were ghastly. The Chambermaid helped the frail Countess Irene take her seat. Then everyone else returned to their seats.

Some simple idiots bearing trays of food entered the hall. One of them stated, "This evening you will be dining on the best food that we have to offer, including our signature dish, rare Beef Stroganoff with our A-1 sauce."

Each attendee was served a small, but lean piece of very red meat.

The grizzled old general said, "This looks good, but I don't know what is so rare, or so Stroganoff about it. It looks like your common piece of beef. And this isn't A-1 sauce."

Fancy Lad, who was sitting next to the general, said, "OMG. You are such a complainer. The meat is not rare in the sense that it is uncommon or hard to find. It simply was cooked less than medium. You are in the Castle Stroganoff, are you not? Therefore, this is rare Beef Stroganoff. The sauce is our own sauce we call A-1 sauce, which means it is our very best, not that it is a certain brand or anything."

"Piss off," the grizzled old general said.

There was a commotion at the Count's end of the table. The Countess had her steak in both hands and was wringing it like a wet wash cloth, as the liquid streamed down onto her plate, as well as her forearms. Then she shook it, getting the last drip of liquid off of it. Then she put the slab of meat to the side directly on the table. She picked up her plate full of greasy, blood red juice and started slurping it. She tipped the plate to her mouth, feverishly drinking every last drop as the greasy, bloody liquid ran down both sides of her mouth. When she put the plate down, she looked like a pale ventriloquist dummy with the jaw lines down the sides of her mouth. Then to everyone's astonishment, she grabbed the officer's plate next to her and started the process all over again. Everyone seemed to notice what was going on with the Countess except for Count Graff.

The Viscount kicked at the Count's shins under the table. The Count scowled back at him. Then the Viscount pointed at the Countess with his fork. The Count looked in wide-eyed astonishment after he finally noticed her bizarre actions.

"What the hell is that?!" Cornfoot said, pointing at the Countess.

"What?" the Count said. Looking around and up at the ceiling.

"She won't touch the silverware, for fear of burning her vampire skin. Then she eats only the blood. That would seem to suggest . . ."

"Oh that," the Count said forcing a long chuckle as he stalled for time, "That is the manner which we eat beef here at Stroganoff. That is why we call it 'Beef Stroganoff'. 'Stroganoff' is an old Stroganoffian word for 'slurping from a plate'. And she is just showing everyone how it is done. That's why she keeps doing it."

"Ahhhh," the guests said as they learned of the fallacious factoid.

Count Graf proceeded to wring the liquid off of his own steak and drink it off of the plate."

Cornfoot saw the grizzled old general with his steak in both hands. Cornfoot slapped the general's hands. The general immediately put the meat back on his plate.

Cornfoot declared, "That vampire is drinking the blood of this meat! That is proof positive! Instead of admitting such an obvious fact, you are doubling-down on stupid!" He pointed at the Countess again and said, "I declare again; vampire!"

The Count was also sporting the ventriloquist dummy look on his face and he said, "I find your remarks insulting. You should learn how to respect our Stroganoffian customs. You sir, are Stroganoff-o-phobic."

Cornfoot stood and said, "Liar!" He drew his sword. "She shall be put to death!"

Everyone at the table leaped up and pulled various cutting weapons.

The Priest leaned toward Cornfoot and said, "We come here under the flag of truce. We can not violate it no matter what the circumstances. Even among such evil, our word is our bond."

"Aaagh!" Cornfoot groaned as he sheathed his sword. "Whoever made up that rule was dim-witted! Hear me now, Count; soon our trebuchet will be built and we will flatten this godless portal into hell! Let us depart!" He threw his arms up and headed out of the doorway and his party followed him. The other guests left the castle as well.

The Viscount said, "Can I have their desert? We are going to have desert, right?"

The Count said, "Wow that went really well. What has gotten into you Irene? You are acting like you really want everyone to believe you are a vampire."

"Maybe I am a vampire!" she said. Then she hissed at the Count, making claws with both of her hands. She started laughing fiendishly.

Count Graf cowered a bit and started to protect himself by putting his hand in front of his face. "That's really attractive, Irene." Then he started to wonder if she really did have a vampirism problem. Was he just in denial and becoming her enabler?
Chapter 7

At daybreak, Milton Peabody didn't have much reason to get out of bed. The mill was closed and the bakery where he worked was all out of flour. Whenever Milton got a rare day off, he liked to go to a lake that was a couple of miles away, to see if he could pull in some delicious fish. But the siege made such an excursion too dangerous of a proposition. So Milton's wife was making him breakfast, which consisted of a small portion of beans and some bread from their scant pantry.

Mrs. Peabody said, "Would you like some eggs to go with that?

Milton said, "We better save some of this . . ."

WHAM! A boulder that weighed a couple of hundred pounds fell from the sky and went through the roof of their home and flattened most of Milton's body. He was crushed to death in a contorted pose on top of his small table while he sat in his chair. He never knew what hit him. His widow stood for a moment with her jaw wide open. She passed out at the incredible scene of her squashed, mostly two-dimensional husband and fell face down. Fellow citizens heard the crash and rushed in to see if they could help.

Meanwhile, beyond the outer wall, Zigmund, Cornfoot's engineer, and his crew were manning an operative trebuchet. Zigmund said, "Let's move that stop down a wee bit. We need to shorten the flight several feet so we can hit the wall. Get that rock over there. It looks to be about the same size."

The object of the weapon was to launch huge rocks to bash down the wall, so they could breach it with their army, not to terrorize the inhabitants by picking them off one at a time. Then they loaded another big boulder into the sling of the trebuchet.

The heavy Counterbalance fell and the arm whipped the sling up into the air with the heavy stone ammunition. The big rock flew so high and so fast and so far, that you could hear the air whooshing around the boulder as it arced toward the wall, but it flew just over it.

A small peasant girl was walking slowly, talking to her rag doll, "One day I will be a queen and you will. . ." SPLAT! The rock landed right in front of her, covering her head to toe in the displaced mud. She ran away crying with her doll.

Zigmund said, "Never mind that one, boys. That was a smaller rock. Just get a big one, and we will put some solid damage directly into that wall.

Before the men could reload the trebuchet, someone shouted, "Look! Over the hill!"

Zigmund said, "What? I'm barely over thirty."

"No, Master! Look over at the hill!"

Then a Cornfoot scout blew the alarm on the horn. Much of Cornfoot's army was not paying attention and had to be alerted. They were getting up and scrambling around for their armor and weapons.

The grizzled old general said, "It's the Bleu Knight! Stop him!"

The Bleu Knight was in full body armor and his heavy war horse was fully armored as well. The Bleu Knight was riding straight for the trebuchet. There was a small trail of smoke following him.

One of the trebuchet crewmen said, "We need to do something. They are not going to stop him!"

Zigmund said sarcastically, "Fine, genius! Then turn this thing around and fire it at him!" But Zigmund knew full well that the trebuchet had no wheels and there was no lateral adjustment possible with the massive device unless a team of horses was employed in the move.

Archers aligned with Sir Lekrak, the Bleu Knight were on top of a hill firing at some Gorovians. The extra height of being atop the hill gave their effective ranged combat a distance bonus. Gorovian mercenaries were attacking up the steep hill, but the going was slow, providing easy targets for the archers.

Cornfoot pointed at Lekrak and commanded, "Stop him!"

Arrows bounced off of the charging Bleu Knight's armor and his war horse's armor. The war horse trampled intervening spearmen who did nothing to slow the determined charging juggernaut. Then Lekrak was nearly upon the trebuchet and threw a cluster of goat bladders full of pitch tied together with a fiery rag. He slung the hot mess upon the bare wooden trebuchet. It was an easy direct hit on the main beam that was the firing arm. Hot black fiery goo dripped down on the frame. The fire started smoking and cracking.

The Knight did not make a complete stop after the firebombing and continued on to flee the scene in the opposite direction he arrived in wreaking more havoc through Cornfoot's camp.

"You'll pay dearly for that!" Zigmund shouted at Lekrak's backside.

"Fire brigade!" Zigmund commanded.

But Cornfoot's men did not take the time to set up an emergency water supply, so there was not much they could do besides throw shovels full of dirt at the fire. The hot fire was a slow burning one, but persistent.

The Gorovian berserkers were too tired running up the large hill to give chase to Lekrak's archers, who retreated back to the opposite side of the hill they were firing from.

There was a cheer from Stroganoff troops who were manning the facing outer wall.

Cornfoot told Zigmund, "Keep firing your trebuchet! I want that wall down now!"

Zigmund said, "Here's the deal. That big long thingy there, I like to call it an 'arm'? Well, that arm is a lot weaker now, and it is still burning. So who can say what would happen if I put a heavy load on it? If that arm breaks during its firing motion, the load, being a deadly boulder, could fly a great distance or very little, in any direction. You follow me? It could go in any unpredictable, random path. I don't think any of us would want that, right?"

Cornfoot said, "Fix it then! And this time put some fortifications around it! We have to assume he will be back!"

"I can do that, but it will take longer. Besides, that fire will still be hot for a few days."

Cornfoot said, "You have to be the slowest engineer in the kingdom!"

"Hey," Zigmund said, "didn't I tell you that this would be a long project? For whatever reason, it didn't matter to you then. Now all of a sudden you want to complain."

"Just do it!"

The old grizzled general found Lord Cornfoot and said, "At least now we know those Gorovians will fight. Maybe not in the smartest manner, but they will fight. Shall we give the men double rations today, Lord?"

"No, we shall not. I shan't reward an army who can't stop one man!"

Chapter 8

"M'lady," The Chambermaid said in the chamber, "You have to do as Doctor Dragos said and eat something. You are steadily getting worse every day. You must eat; otherwise, ye shall surely die."

The Countess stared without emotion on her face.

"M'lady! I fear you are almost already gone! These strange habits of yours, they will kill you! Please! Can't you say anything?!"

The Countess shut her eyes and said, "It is my life, and if I decide to forfeit it willingly, then I shall do so."

The Chambermaid was moved to tears at the mere notion. "No! You mustn't! You have a young son! He needs you!"

"What need does he have of me? He has all of you to take care of him all his days. Nevertheless, you are but a simple chambermaid, and have no understanding of my plight. No one has any need of me, so don't bother me about this again."

"Aye," The Chambermaid said as she turned away. The she stopped and turned around. "You are right. I have no understanding of your plight. I request that you would explain it to me."

"I am touched that you show me so much concern. You have been with me so many years and I have looked upon you as nothing more than a run of the mill carbon unit. Do you have a name?"

"Aye, my Lady. They give us carbon units names. Mine is Jayne Doux."

"That sounds so exotic for such a simple, plain-looking lass."

"I get that a lot. But I am not like you. I am no Countess."

"A fancy title carries no importance. We are all buried into the same earth. I am nothing special. At one time our family, like all families that govern, can trace themselves back to a tyrannical gangster who stole power from someone else. Then they give themselves a fancy title. So in a sense I am of worse heritage than you peasants. I have a fancy title of nobility because I was born into a noble family and given in marriage into another family who has no use for me, and to a husband who only cares for his bakery empire. My husband does not fancy me, nor do I him. I have had no say in any of my own important decisions in my entire life. All the choices made for me were wrong ones. Therefore, I have no interest in prolonging my pointless days."

Jayne said, "Nevertheless, you know nothing of the gloom of pointless days."

"What?! How dare you speak to me like that! Did you not hear a word of what I said?!"

Jayne said, "I come here to beg you to partake of food that you don't have to produce or prepare, and you won't do anything to help yourself. I try to get you to stop brooding long enough to let me do all of your grooming for you. What a futile waste of a life I lead. You waste yours by choice. Mine is wasted by your choices as well."

"That is enough!" the Countess demanded silence.

By now Jayne had become angry in her rant and she continued, "I live here in this fancy house, which might as well be a prison or an asylum. I rarely go out to see what is going on in the world, or to meet a man." Jayne sighed. "My Lady, I am so ashamed right now for my ranting. I am sorry I offended you, and beg your pardon. I shall leave now." Jayne looked down and curtseyed.

"Wait." Tears started flowing down the Countess's cheeks. She sniffed. "It appears the world has dealt many of us an unfair hand. But that is why I hate it so, and long for the day that the pain will stop."

Jayne said, "M'lady, 'tis the place of God almighty to decide when we shall pass. It should not be of our own doing."

"I don't feel there is a God. Why would He abandon us?"

"Look into your son's eyes and say there is no God. Feel it or not, He is there. Our life is but a short affliction, and then our souls are somewhere eternally. Surely you don't really want to die. What is really in your mind this moment?"

The Countess paused, fighting back the tears. Then she said, "Fava beans."

"Eh? Ayyyyye! You always loved the fava beans and the Count hates them! I think there are still some dried ones in the pantry."

"I should like to have some now. Please."

Jayne Doux turned and went in a hurry out of the room.

"Jayne!" the Countess said. "Thank you for caring for my soul. I would much rather that we can be friends."

"Of course." The Chambermaid smiled and went about the fava beans.

The Countess thought, perhaps her last days could be a bit less dreadful.

*******

It was a dark and scary night. But Benito and Francisco Spagnolo were brothers who were not scared at all. Being scared of the dark is an emotional state that comes from fear of the unknown. But the brothers Spagnolo had no such fear, because they were the reason people had to be afraid. The Spagnolos were always looking for an opportunity; an opportunity to suck human blood. For the Spagnolos were vampires, and word had gotten around in the vampire community that Count Von Stroganoff was defending vampires against the likes of Lord Cornfoot. So they looked upon Stroganoff as a 'sanctuary city' where they were free to be themselves without outside interference.

Every vampire needs a mentor to help guide them in the ways of vampirism. Such as how to catch food and feed in a stealthy manner. The Spagnolos' vampire acquaintance and mentor, fellow vampire Rufus Merriweather told them of how he was able to harvest humans while werewolves were getting all of the negative attention from the humans. It seemed like an opportunity too good to pass up.

So it was that the Spagnolo brothers were stalking prey on the streets of Stroganoff that night. In a particularly dark alcove, they came upon a couple of rough looking men who no doubt thought when they were together that they were safe from a vampire; which would have been questionable even while facing a single vampire. But people like to take chances with their safety, and that's what gives the vampires so many opportunities.

Benito and Francisco casually approached the two men. Being the competitive brothers that they were, Benito said, "I'll take the tough one."

Francisco said, "I'm not going to argue with you. I know you think you have this sense of entitlement."

The tough human said, "What is it with you blokes?"

"Oh nothing," Benito said as he seized the tough one by the arm with his beyond human strength and twisted it until the man could only physically bend to his will.

Meanwhile, Francisco easily seized the smaller of the men. Benito chomped down on the man's neck and drank of his lifeblood as he collapsed to the street. Benito heard some walking and voices and looked up. Just then he heard the poof of a torch being lit. There was a mob of men all around them.

The leader of the peasants, holding a stake and mallet said, "We got you, vampires! Now you are going to die."

Francisco, a vampire with a particularly acute blade fetish, reached under his coat, but his hand was stayed by Benito, who said, "Okay. I know this looks really really bad."

The leader of the mob said, "Save your words, vampire. We knew the Countess was not a vampire and that there were real vampires running about causing the havoc, and now we have caught you in the act."

Benito said, "You talking to me? I don't know much about the Contessa, but I do know that that guy," he pointed at the smaller man that Francisco was detaining, "is a murderer."

"What?!" the smaller man said, "Those guys are bloody vampires. I saw them kill Fred! You have to kill them!"

Benito said, "So many lies. We were sitting in the tavern, and we overheard this conversation, only because they were boisterous and loud, this big guy here, his victim said, 'I'll bet you a ducat that the Count hands over the Contessa before the day is up.' Then the little guy said, 'No way. In fact, let's raise the bet to two ducats.' Anyways, at the end of the day, the Count didn't hand over the Contessa, so he was confronting this man who said he didn't have the money. He pulled the knife and said he was going to kill him and make it look like a vampire did it. You can't make this stuff up."

"What?! That is the stupidest story I have ever heard!" The accused man said, "Those guys are vampires. They even look like vampires! Look at the blood all over his mouth!"

Benito said, "My mouth is bloody because he punched me in the face as we were arresting him. He should be put to death as a murderer. People always want to blame their murders on 'vampires'." Benito said, making finger quotes. "Everyone knows there is no such thing as a vampire. Maybe a vampire bat, or something."

One of the men said, "That could be true, you know."

Another man said, "His story was more elaborate than that murderer. The more elaborate story is always the true one."

The accused murderer said, "No! It doesn't work that way! In fact, if anything, it's the opposite! If you really want to get to the truth, then let's just stay right here and wait for sunrise, then you can see who the real vampires are!"

Benito said, "He's stalling for time. He knows his vampire friends will come and get him out of the jam he has created for himself. The best thing you can do is to execute him right now. It's for the good of the entire community.

"Fine," the leader of the mob said, "We'll take care of this one from here. Good work, boys for uncovering the murderous scoundrel's cowardly act."

Then the smaller man broke free from Francisco and ran away.

Francisco lied, "Oh no. He was too strong for me."

The mob leader said, "After him boys!"

The mob pursued the man, more certain than ever of his guilt, leaving only the vampires at the scene.

Francisco said, "You know we could have taken them in a fight."

Benito said, "That would be irresponsible, wasting a month's supply of free range food when they could be managed properly.

Francisco said, "Speaking of food, I'm still hungry."

*******

The next morn, in the great hall, the Count was in his seat of power with the two dogs, pondering what his next step would be in salvaging what he could of his fabulous lifestyle.

The Viscount walked in.

The Count shouted, "Don't say a word! I don't want to hear any more about how many dogs are here! I am not losing my mind, no matter how crazy things get here! I am in full control of my faculties, so don't even go there!"

The Viscount said, "Dad, you have two dogs there."

"No! I said to stop counting!"

The Viscount said, "The number of dogs is the same as the last time! I had no intention of bringing up the number of dogs here, and that you are wacked out! That is all on you!"

"Well, you shouldn't be yelling at me. I am a Count and your father. You are just a stupid kid."

The Viscount said, "Really? That is how you talk to your son? Just because you can? The reason I came in here was to tell you that I heard there were more murders last night. I'm worried. Call me crazy, Father, but I don't want to get eaten by monsters."

The Count said, "So now you are counting murders?! You know your title 'Viscount' doesn't mean you must go around counting things in a compulsive manner of arithmomania! There is absolutely nothing for you to worry about! Everything here in Stroganoff is in full control! You have to have trust that I will be able to handle everything like I always do."

"Aye. So what you are saying is, those big rocks falling from the sky in the daytime and monsters howling at night and killing people are no big deal." The young lad abruptly turned and walked away.
Chapter 9

It was a dark and stormy night. Then the weather cleared up, so the full moon was visible.

"Who goes there?!" The night watchman atop of the inner wall of Castle Stroganoff beckoned to the lone figure outside below.

The man looked up and said, "Doctor Saveli Zernebog."

"Never heard of it," the sentry said.

"I am here to see the Countess."

"At this hour?"

Zernebog said, "I am booked solid all day with bona fide medical appointments. You want to be responsible for her not getting treatment?"

"Not really."

"Then I would open the gate if I were you."

"Just a minute." The sentry called out to another guard. "Open the gate."

The gate opened and the guard said, "Enter."

Doctor Zernebog walked inside and went up the hill to the keep. He used the huge steel knocker on the big door to make his presence known. The commanding sound echoed across the night sky. Werewolves were howling in the vicinity.

A guard opened a small opening and said, "State your business."

"I am Doctor Zernebog. I am here to see the Countess."

"Wait 'till tomorrow."

"It's an emergency."

"What kind of emergency?"

"The kind that could get you beheaded if you ignore it."

"I'm not falling for that. The Countess has a Doctor already."

"I am a specialist."

"You don't look like the medical type to me. Just a skinny chap with greasy hair. What is it with you Doctors and your greasy hair?"

Zernebog sighed, "And yet you are afraid to let me in. I guess if the Countess's condition has improved, I am not needed. I am tired anyway. I will send the Count my bill and tell him the sentry at this particular gate at this particular time thought I was not needed. Okay, here I go now, I'm leaving. . ."

It was well known that the Countess was in very bad condition. Likewise, the guard was aware of it.

"Stay here," the guard said. "I'll see if they want to see you."

Zernebog heard more howling that sounded closer. He took a deep breath. What a lovely night, he thought.

Soon the door opened and the guard just stood there looking at Zernebog.

Zernebog also just stood in place. Vampires, who are OCD, cannot enter a home unfamiliar to them unless they are first invited in.

The guard said, "Well then? Are you going to just stand there?"

Zernebog said, "Am I invited in?"

"I have the door open, do I not?"

"That is only implied consent to enter. I would rather you give me expressed consent to enter."

"Seriously? Fine. Then I give you my expressed consent to enter. Please enter all the way in with my sincerest earnest wishes that you come fully in as I express it."

Zernebog entered the keep. The sentry said, "I shall show you to her chamber. Please follow me. You don't need that approved with the King's seal or anything, do you?"

"Nay. Just lead the way."

The guard escorted Zernebog up the spiral staircase up into the tower. The sentry spoke to Jayne, the Chambermaid"

Jayne opened the door and Zernebog and the guard went to the Countess's bedside.

Zernebog said, "Leave us."

Jayne looked at the Countess.

"It's okay," Countess Irene said.

Jayne looked at Zernebog in the eyes and departed from the bedchamber.

Zernebog said, "I know you are a vampire."

"You do? I mean, I am not . . . a vampire."

Zernebog laughed. "It is no secret. I am here to help you."

"Help me how?"

"It appears from your deteriorating condition that you are inept at the vampire lifestyle. I am here to help you with some vampire life hacks."

"I'd rather not," Irene said. "You know I'm not really a vampiress."

"It's okay," Zernebog said. He smiled wide for the Countess and pointed at one of his fangs. "I am a vampire as well. See? Look; fangs, pointy ears. Trust me, I know my stuff. I've done these interventions before. Now let's get you back to health."

"Um, no, please go away. I'll be just fine."

Zernebog said. "You don't understand. Much of what I will tell you will be how to keep everything a secret. First, you will have to get out of this bed and get dressed."

"I really don't want to. I'm just the private type. I like to keep to myself. Please leave."

"Not happening. Now get up. We need to get you thriving in your new life as a vampire. It's the least you can do for your human husband and the vampire community who are supporting you."

"If I do, do you promise not to bite anyone in the keep?"

"Sure, whatever. But you know you are going to have to get you past some of that residual sympathy you have for humans, you know. I mean, we have to manage them. You know, cull out some of the weaker ones, so we can keep the rest of them productive and unaware of us being around. It's all part of nature. It's nothing we need to feel guilty about or anything. Now change your clothes."

She stared at him, clearly waiting for him to turn around.

"It's okay. I'm a Doctor."

The Countess got up and took her gown off. Zernebog stared at her the whole time. She put on a cloak with a hood so no one would be able to recognize her.

Zernebog said, "Where is the secret passage?"

"What?"

"Every decent castle has a secret passage. Everyone knows that."

"Follow me," the Countess said. She put her hood up around her head, making sure it fit snugly around her neck. At one point they had to evade detection by one of the staff members, but then they were soon in a long dark tunnel. They could hear bats fluttering by.

Zernebog laughed. "This is dark, even for me. I noticed your eyes are not so good, so you can follow me."

"Where are we going?"

"We are going out to get you some blood."

"What?"

"You need blood, right?"

"Who told you that?"

"Again; Everyone knows it already. First, we have to find a loner wandering aimlessly around town, or maybe a really scared person who will faint right away when we make our move."

They emerged from the secret passage through a hidden underground door behind some bushes to the outside, leading to a backstreet.

As they walked down the backstreet, Zernebog said, "You have to be careful. There are werewolves out here hogging up our available blood supply. Fortunately, that is only during a full moon, but unfortunately, it seems like there really are a lot of full moons around here. Lots of thunderstorms at night too. Always at night. Go figure. Anyway, werewolves got a whole lot of attitude when it comes to sharing humans with us vampires. Of course they are more into the meat, so I don't know why we can't just work together in some kind of quid pro quo arrangement, right? We suck the blood and they get our leftovers."

"Yeah, that makes lots of sense," Countess Irene said.

They heard a boy singing to himself ahead in the dark alley.

They continued walking down the back street. "Look," Zernebog said in a hushed tone, "coming this way; a backstreet boy."

"No!" the Countess said, "I don't want you to attack him! He's just a boy who sings incredibly well!"

Zernebog said, "Fine, but you have to help me, so I can help you." The vampire sighed, "Too bad for you. His blood would have been very refreshing."

They continued walking. She was thinking about all sorts of matters. Then she heard a scream in the distance. She said, "Doctor! Did you hear that?!" She couldn't see him anywhere. Then she looked in the direction of the scream and could see the silhouette of Zernebog the vampire feasting on the neck of a victim. She slowly walked toward Doctor Zernebog as he disengaged the male victim, in his forties, who fell dead to the ground.

The vampire said, "Here is your easy meal. Bon Appetite."

"I really don't like having people watch me. I'll be fine. I really don't know how to thank you."

"Have it your way, chickapee. I'll be checking in on you from time to time to check your progress." He wiped smeared blood from his lips. "Every once in awhile you run into someone who is a garlic-aholic. Trust me; it makes for a bad experience. But this chap here is not the worst."

Chapter 10

Constable O'Taku came into the great hall.

The Count looked up from his seat, looking worse than ever and said, "How's Cornfoot's repairs on the trebuchet coming?"

"Version two-point-zero looks bigger and better than the last one. It will be ready any time now. But listen, I didn't come here just to give you a report."

"Oh?"

"Yeah. Actually, I'm here to put in my two-week notice."

"What? You are tendering your fortnight announcement of resignation?"

"Aye."

The Count said, "How much are you making right now? There may be some room in the budget."

"It's not about the money. I just can't take the stress any more. We have vampires and werewolves continually killing people, plus the siege, of course."

"You mean you would just quit being the Constable of Stroganoff?"

"Count, I just don't feel things will ever change if you are unwilling to do anything to make things better. I'm afraid that you have no concept of what it will take. It will have to be a major commitment of assets to get things back on the right path."

"You would actually leave me here to deal with this alone?"

"You're not really hearing me. Lack of communication is one of the main reasons why I am giving my fortnight announcement."

"Let me ask you this; what do I have to do to keep you onboard?"

"I'm not saying there is anything, but first you would definitely have to bring in a top-notch vampire slayer."

"No. I can do that."

The Constable sighed. He said, "You can't cheap out and get one of those Goth posers. It has to be someone who can get the job done, and fast."

The Count said, "If we hired enough Goth posers, maybe the vampires would get scared off."

"I'm going to ignore that crap idea."

The Count said, "I resent the notion that I am cheap. I'm just efficient. After all, I was the one who called for the Bleu Knight to help us out."

"Yeah; I already know he is doing that for free. Secondly, and no less important, you have to get this thing with the Countess settled, so Cornfoot the Annoying will go and find a new hobby."

"I don't want to just hand her over. I'm not going to do it."

"What if we have the Magistrate come and conduct a hearing?"

The Count asked, "You mean have Irene go to trial over being a vampire?"

"That's right. Then if she is proven not to be a vampire, Cornfoot has to leave. If she is found guilty, then you look like a man of action for getting her tookus out of here."

"I never thought of it like that. Hey, what ever happened to that fancy lad?"

"I don't know. It's not my turn to watch him. So what do you think?"

"He got killed by a vampire?"

"No, I mean the slayer and the Magistrate."

"I'm down with it. Can you recommend a vampire slayer?"

"I know a guy, who knows this guy, who they say is pretty good and not too expensive. I'll let you know how much he charges if I can get a hold of him. And I'll tell the Magistrate."

*******

That night the Countess was in her chamber brushing her hair. She was startled when she turned and saw Zernebog standing next to her.

Zernebog said, "How are you this fine evening?"

"I'm improving, thanks to you. So you don't really need you to be here checking up on me anymore."

"That's fantastic," Zernebog said. "Now you are healing quickly like a real vampire. But since you are getting so much better now, I must impose upon you."

"You want something from me?"

"We vampires stick together, you know. Since the town of Stroganoff is now known in blood sucking circles as an easy meal, there have been quite a few fellow vampires migrate to this area. Unfortunately, the werewolf community has come here as well. Tonight, it will be a full moon, which is the perfect time to seek the werewolves out and show them we are in charge here. So I must insist that you come out with us tonight and join the rumble we are planning on having with them."

The Countess started coughing. "Tonight? I don't know. I might not be able to make it. Maybe next time, Doctor." She flopped down on her bed.

"How unfortunate," Zernebog said. "You have an opportunity to rid your very own town of this werewolf scourge, and you are unwilling to at least help out a little. Here's how this works, Irene. You help us, and we protect you and your family at night from the werewolves. If you turn your back on us, you are on your own."

The Countess perked up and said, "On my own? I'll do what I can for my friends."

Zernebog smiled and handed her a long ornate bejeweled dagger.

"That is beautiful," she said.

Zernebog said, "You will look magnificent as you wield it against the lycanthrope scum. If you do nothing more than strike fear into their hearts, you will have fulfilled your purpose."

"So all I have to do is look like a menace to the werewolves, huh?"

"Pretty much. It is unlikely that we will be able to wipe them out. However, we could present ourselves to be an overwhelming foe that is not to be trifled with. After we take some of them out, the rest will flee."
Chapter 11

The Countess and Doctor Saveli Zernebog made their way out into the street via the Castle's secret passage. Zernebog looked up and saw a full moon behind the jagged silhouette of the medieval castle.

Zernebog said, "We are to meet up with the rest of the nest at the clock tower plaza at quarter 'till midnight. Normally you will want to work alone, but from time to time we need to team up to take on the werewolves."

Zernebog kept a fast pace as they walked toward the square, and the Countess struggled to keep up.

Saveli Zernebog said, "The werewolves have become plentiful, and have hunted these streets indiscriminately, so now our food supply is drying up. The townspeople are now well aware, save a few who are totally desperate or completely ignorant; that they are in danger if they wander around at night."

The clock tower plaza was a large open area covered with cobblestones. It was where the open air market was held twice per week. The clock in the tower was a very expensive purchase made by the Count. Many at the time it was installed thought that the clock was a device of the devil; a scheme to get them to always be on time at work, and that the funds used on the clock would have been better spent on the church.

Also on the square was the huge church that had been under construction for three hundred years, with nothing being added for the last forty. It had become a monument to the quitting spirit of the current generation of Stroganoffians, and their lack of piety.

A nest of vampires were standing openly in a circle in the plaza when Zernebog and Countess Irene joined them.

An exceptionally large vampire in the form of a male asked Doctor Zernebog, "Who's the protégé?"

Zernebog said, "This, comrades, is the Countess Von Stroganoff."

"She does exist," a small male vampire said, "My name is Rufus Merriweather."

The large vampire said in a deep voice, "I am Heinrich Malankoff."

A female vampire said, "I am Rayne Hellspawn."

Another male vampire said, "We are brothers from Clan Spagnolo. I am Benito, and this is Francisco."

Irene said, "Um, Glad to meet you all. I'm not really sure what I am doing here. So if I kind of mess up, I really can't help it much."

Rufus laughed, "These newbies. Don't worry; we were all newly turned at one point. You'll be fine."

Zernebog asked, "Is this everyone? Where's Carlotta?"

"Don't look at me," Rayne said. "Just because we both are in the form of women doesn't make us friends. For all I know she could be a pile of dust in a casket somewhere after they ran a wooden stake through her heart."

"Nice talk," Rufus said. "Remember, the newbie?"

All heads turned to the clock tower as it started chiming the twelve bells of midnight. Immediately thereafter wolven howls could be heard in the distance.

Benito said, "They are so stupid, giving their locations away like that."

Heinrich said, in his resonant voice, "You hear that? They are not within the castle walls. This is a game-changer."

Zernebog said, "The werewolves ran us all out of the easy picking food by scaring away the quarry with their insatiable appetites. So now they must be preying on the siege army tonight."

Heinrich Malankoff said, "Those vile werewolves are always upsetting the natural balance of things. I don't know why they even exist."

Benito Spagnolo said, "Another bad thing; if the werewolves start killing the invaders, they will leave and the siege will end. That would be bad for us. The more anarchy there is, the more townspeople there are who will wander around on their own. Look how many thieves we pick off when they are trying to steal from each other at night."

Rufus said, "Does it really matter what the outcome is? The fact is, we all want to kill some werewolves tonight anyhow, right?"

"Yeah, sure," they all said, except for the Countess.

The Countess said, "Maybe we should wait and see if they can wipe out the invaders."

"Huh? Oh no," the others said, flatly rejecting the idea.

Irene asked, "We're not going to drink werewolf blood, are we?"

They all started laughing.

Benito said, "That would be as bad as drinking dog blood."

Rayne said, "I know you've done it. I know you drained that guy's dachshund."

Benito said, "We have all drunk the blood of a dog. Give the kid a break."

Zernebog said, "You all need to be aware that the Countess is still very weak. She was underfeeding for a long time. But I got that straightened out, right Irene?"

"Yes. You sure did, Saveli."

Rufus said, "Yuk! The thought of it. The worst thing is biting through that coat and sucking the blood through the fur. Once you get past that, you have it made."

"You can shut up now," Rayne said. "We don't need to hear your personal experiences."

Rufus said, "Let us head out toward the sound of the wolven howls."

The vampire nest made its way to the outer city wall.

Countess Irene said, "How are we going to get out of the gate? I don't really think this is such a good idea."

Benito said, "Just hang onto my hand."

She took Benito's hand and he started scaling the wall with ease. She was boosted up as Francisco pushed up on her rear with a hand firmly grasping both cheeks.

The others followed, with Zernebog practically flying to the top. A sentry on top of the wall said, "Who goes there?"

They ignored the sentry as if he didn't exist. Then they all glided down in the darkness without being able to see below.

"Oh my God!" Irene said, as she fell, grasping Benito's hand.

Rayne said, "I can smell those nasty lycanthropes. Come, they are this way."

The others followed her. There were campfires all around the perimeter of the castle. The camps were far enough away to be out of the range of Stroganoff archers.

Rufus said, "Pick a dark spot to get through their line."

"I know! Don't tell me what to do!" Rayne said.

Rufus shrugged his shoulders. "Excuse me, mistress of darkness."

Rayne walked with a paranormal soundless gliding walk that went between two campfires and the others followed in the same way. "It's this way. The werewolven stench is overwhelming. We're very close."

"Look!" Heinrich said. "Look at this!"

They could see the silhouette in the moonlight of a long cloak hanging in the tree with a broken branch running through it. The cloak was within easy reach.

Zernebog examined the cloak the best he could under the circumstances and said, "I wonder if . . ." He bent down and picked up some dust. He held some of the dust in his hand and told Benito, "Smell this."

"Curses!" Benito said, "That's Carlotta's cloak!"

"Really?!" Rufus said. "Let me see." He smelled the dust. "It is!"

Heinrich said, "They will pay for that." He pulled out his knives, as did the others.

The Countess said, "Maybe that is some kind of omen, like we shouldn't fight them tonight?"

Rayne said, "What is your deal, Countess? Yes, we are going to kill werewolves tonight. Got it?"
Chapter 12

The nest of vampires suddenly realized that the werewolves had them totally surrounded by their pack of about a dozen werewolves. The werewolves were growling and within striking range. The vampires formed a circular defensive perimeter. Both groups assumed their combat stances as they faced each other. The vampires faked some attacking moves and caused the werewolves to repeatedly jump back. This made them all the more angry and vicious. The werewolves sensed fear in the Countess as she stood shaking with two hands on the ornate dagger. So then the werewolves triple-teamed her and looked ready to strike. Benito grabbed Irene by the arm and moved her to the center of the nest's defenses. Then he moved to fill in the gap left by her. Rayne shrieked the most hideous scream that had to be heard for miles. The werewolves pulled back for a few seconds.

Rufus said, "Was that really necessary?"

Rayne said, "I like to show these puppies who's in charge here."

Doctor Zernebog did a flying summersault and landed with his dagger slicing the throat of a werewolf from behind. Heinrich twirled his daggers from the slashing upward position in his grip to the downward stabbing position, and then he leaped so high no one could see him until he came back down upon one of the werewolves, plunging both daggers. Some of the werewolves turned away from the circle of vampires and were attacking Heinrich in the back. They were trying to hold him down and rip the heart out of his chest.

"Do something!" Benito pleaded.

"Okay," Rufus said. The next instant Rufus had vanished by moving faster than the werewolves' eyes could track him. Then Rufus reappeared Counter-attacking the werewolves who were on Heinrich.

Because of the actions by the attacking vampires, the vampire defense circle was shrinking, with the Countess still in the middle. The werewolves, who had numerical superiority against Benito, finally took the initiative to move with lighting fast speed and jump him. They were clawing him and ripping his flesh to ribbons. Then there was a canine squeal that pierced the night as the Countess buried her blade deep into the back of one of the werewolves that was mauling Benito. Then she continued attacking and the werewolves had to start taking her into account, so they confronted her. One of the werewolves took a swipe at her with its claw, barely slashing her face. Benito was screaming as his leg was ripped off of his body. Francisco came to his aid and severed the head of one of the attackers with a gruesome knife attack. A werewolf had one of Rayne's hands in the grip of its teeth. A couple of Rayne's fingers were barely hanging by some skin. Rayne screamed, then summoned her vampiric strength and broke the jaw of the vampire with her injured hand with an uppercut while it was being bitten. Rufus impaled another werewolf with a long blade up in the vicinity of its rectum.

Rufus said, "These things are kind of feisty tonight!"

Irene was backing away from a werewolf that was looking into her eyes. It was growling with its fur standing on end. As she backed up she stumbled over the body of a half-eaten Gorovian mercenary. The werewolf charged at her as she lay on her back. There was a slicing sound and the next thing Irene knew was the lopped off werewolf's head landed on her breast, appearing to still be looking at her. The rest of the werewolf fell on her legs. She quickly got the big head off of her. The werewolves knew they could not win and they started to peel off of the skirmish. The dead werewolves were changing into partially clothed dead humans.

Zernebog helped remove the body off of Irene's legs. He said with a fangy smile, "I see your dagger has tasted werewolf blood tonight."

The Countess looked at Benito, who was laying on his back moaning. "My leg. Bring it here, Countess."

She grabbed the bloody leg, holding it away from her torso and brought it to him. "What?"

Benito moaned with his hands over his head. He said, "Put it on."

"Eh?"

Rufus limped over and said, "Yeah. All you gotta do is stick it on there and hold it for awhile. It will reattach."

She held the leg up to the stump. It was a little complicated with only the moonlight illuminating the operation.

"Tighter," Benito said.

She was holding the leg tightly to the stump. "What if someone comes over here right now?"

Rufus laughed. "You seriously think any humans will want to come over here after Rayne was shrieking like a banshee and the werewolves were making all that scrapping noise? If I were you, I would rotate that leg a little, or B-Spag is going to look like a zombie when he walks."

"What?!" Benito said. "Oh yeah, you have to turn it a little."

Rayne was holding her hand. It felt cold to the touch.

"No," Rayne said, "leave it like that. That will be hilarious."

Countess Irene turned the leg a little to get it to move into the correct orientation and already it snapped because of the quick vampire healing.

"Aaagh!" Benito said. "That is some serious pain. But I sure am glad you stabbed that doggie that was on my back. That thing was being a real pain in the neck. Literally."

After several minutes, Benito was able to at least stand on the leg. "You did well, Countess. Thank you."

The Countess asked Rayne, "How's your hand?"

"Oh that's nothing. It will be fine by tomorrow night." She looked at the Countess's face and saw the deep laceration. "That tiny scratch you got on your face; that will be gone in a half-hour or so."

Heinrich stumbled over to the others, holding his chest. "That was nasty." He looked at Zernebog and said, "Look at you. You're not even dirty."

Zernebog said, "You're just such a brawler, Heinrich. You have to learn the fine art of master vampire combat. That fight was not as exciting as I hoped. I guess after so many of these it gets a little repetitive."

Rufus said, "Anyone in the mood for some Gorovian?"

"Sounds fabulous," Zernebog said.

The Countess said, "Can you help me get back home first? I have a feeling they could be looking for me."

Francisco said, "I would be glad to."

Rayne said, "I bet you are."

Doctor Zernebog said, "Maybe I better do it."

"What?" Francisco said, "You act like you don't trust me with her."

Zernebog said, "Come now, it's just that I know the way. After all, I am her mentor."

After the Countess threw her cloak in the fireplace, she got cleaned up and finally got to bed. She stirred restlessly with all of the excitement of the battle. It took awhile, but she finally relaxed at daybreak, and fell asleep.

Chapter 13

The Constable came into the great hall. "Count, I have some news. Those big corpulent hairy Gorovians have abandoned your nemesis; the a-hole, Cornfoot. The stupid siege forces are now cut roughly in half."

"Surely you jest," the Count said.

"Do I look like a simpleton court jester?" Constable O'Taku said with the sourest face in the land that looked like a road map.

Count Graf stroked his bearded chin. "Hmm. Tell the army officers to come up with a plan to attack Cornfoot."

"Oh, no problem, I'm not doing much. And I'm sure when I tell them, they will get right on that, since their men are half-starving, and going insane, and no one is getting any sleep at night."

Suddenly there was a loud klaking sound of huge projectiles landing in diverse places around Stroganoff.

"Oh," O'Taku said, "Did I mention that the freaking trebuchet was rebuilt?"

"Then we must attack!" the Count said. "Now is our time! Assemble our forces!"

"No, I am going to do my job until my fortnight is completed. And that is to keep the peace."

"Fine! Have it your way!" The Count put on his own personal ridiculously ornate helmet with his crazy hair sticking out of the bottom, and put on his unnecessarily decorated armored breastplate. He buckled his senselessly wide belt that held his grotesquely designed sword and scabbard. He picked up his strangely shaped shield that was emblazoned with the hideous Graf family crest. Then he went out to the square and rang the rally bell. Townspeople were slowly ambling toward the rally point with a total lack of enthusiasm.

A young boy pointed at the Count and asked, "Mommy, is there going to be a parade?"

A peasant shouted, "Hey Count! You forget to ride your giant peacock?!"

Many were laughing and mocking at the fashionista Count's pompous war garb.

The Count said in a loud voice, "In a short while, I am going to open the main gate! We will march out and destroy the diminished siege forces and break the siege! I need all of you to help seal the victory!"

The mocking peasant said, "My Lord, will we kill them all with laughter?! A lot of good that getup of yours will do!"

Some of the people walked away shaking their heads. One frail malnourished citizen asked, "Are you going out to fight in this battle, or are you just here to trick us into doing all of the fighting, like usual?"

The Count looked about as the mocking and anger increased. "Yes! I mean; not the tricking, but yes, I will be out in this battle on the front line!"

The frail citizen and others passed the word that the Count would imminently be in battle on the front line. Soon others became energized at the prospect of seeing the Count slain in battle in his fancy paraphernalia.

They were saying things like, "I'd like to see that! Let me get a weapon prop! He has the most peculiar bits and pieces."

Soon hundreds of cheering irregular militia and the small Stroganoff regulars were ready to portray themselves as eager participants in the clash with Cornfoot, just to get a front row seat.

The Count drew his grotesquely designed sword and held it high and commanded, "Onward!"

They went toward the gate and the Count ordered, "Open . . . the gate!"

The Count was the first one out of the gate. The cheering was deafening. The Count ran as fast as he could in front of the cheering army with his heavy partial armor. He marched out of the outer gate straight toward their pig-headed adversaries. He got within Cornfoot's archery range, and saw a hailstorm of arrows raining down upon him. He covered his head with his shield. THOK! THWAP! His shield was being hit numerous times and arrows were landing all around him. He was totally pinned down. He looked back and saw that none of the rest of his men had followed him much beyond a few feet from the front gate. They were standing back laughing and pointing at him. The arrows continued to fall. THUD! One hit him in the unarmored leg. He shrieked at the incredible pain. Another bounced off of his helmet. He looked ahead as Cornfoot was sounding the call to arms and forming his ranks.

He looked back again at his men. He stood straight up with an arrow sticking out of his leg and slowly continued his march toward the trebuchet.

One of his officers at the gate said, "Look at him. He's pathetic."

An irregular militiaman with an old beat up sword said, "He's willing to fight to the death for all of us! I'll not be a coward like you all!" He charged out, and some other screaming militiamen charged out, charging past the Count.

Seeing that the townspeople were supporting the Count, the officer commanded, "Charge!"

The horn blower blew the sound for the attack. The entire howling Stroganoff force was running toward the trebuchet. Some of the townspeople were being hit by arrows. Some were crawling back, while a few were killed.

Cornfoot ordered, "Protect the trebuchet at all costs."

One of Cornfoot's men lit a swath of pitch in front of the trebuchet and several Stroganoff militiamen were screaming as they caught on fire, dancing the spinning fiery dance of death.

The mass of Stroganoff forces crashed the front lines of Cornfoot's army, engaging them in brutal hand to hand combat. Many were run through with spears, but some managed to inflict casualties on the Cornfootites. Meanwhile, dozens of Stroganoffians were doing anything they could with their hand weapons to dismantle their primary target, the massive trebuchet.

The Count watched his people being killed. But the trebuchet collapsed. "Retreat!" he ordered, "Sound the retreat!" The horn blower sounded the retreat, and his men started running back to the Castle Stroganoff.

Cornfoot ordered, "Charge! Kill every last one of them that you can!"

Some of the slower retreating Stroganoff fighters were being slaughtered. Two townspeople grabbed Count Graf and drug him along with them to the safety of the castle.

The gate was being shut. The Count was not going to make it in time. The decree in Stroganoff, as in almost any fortified city was that the door must always be shut in such a situation, no exceptions.

A militiaman already inside of the walls screamed at the men closing the door, "Close that door, and I will personally cut each of your heads off!"

The door remained open barely long enough for the Count to enter, but armored Cornfeet were at the gate, making it impossible to close. Then there was a bloody skirmish at the gate, but the mass of Stroganoff men pushing on the gate, forcing the invaders back. Finally, an invader was caught in the door and was gruesomely crushed to death by the force. The Stroganoff men opened the door just enough to remove the crushed body and then closed it completely.

*******

After the battle, the Count's wounds were attended to by Doctor Dragos. He poured wine on the wounds to prevent infection. Then after a long swig of the wine, the Doctor wiped his mouth with his sleeve, and then he bandaged the arrow holes.

Later, the Count was to be found in his usual place in the great hall. The Constable walked in with a man at his side. The man wore tattered leather armor, unlike the more formal, neat leather suit the Constable wore. The man had large-brimmed hat that covered a head of long hair. He carried a crossbow and had a quiver of crossbow bolts on his back. At his side was a long rustic looking knife in a scabbard.

The Constable said, "Count, This is Storm Mayhem the Vampire Slayer."

The Count winced while looking at scars that covered most of Storm's face. "Storm Mayhem? That's seriously your name?"

"That's right," the man said in a slow, deep voice. "I'm not just a vampire hunter, but a vampire slayer."

"Is that a fact?" the Count prodded.

"Yep. You've probably heard of the vampire, Vernon Crabtree."

"Doesn't ring a bell," the Count said, "but go on."

Mayhem continued speaking painfully slowly, "Anyhow, a vampire was killing off citizens in the town of Berryhill. But he got a little too greedy with his blood sucking, and I caught this Vernon Crabtree in the act of killing the Mayor."

"Killing the Mayor!" the Count said. "Shouldn't you have at least protected him?!"

Storm waved his hand and shook his head at the Count's suggestion. "There are no guarantees in the vampire hunting game. Anyhow, I took this Vernon Crabtree out with this very crossbow armed with a silver-tipped arrow. Thok! Right in the heart and down he went, and the rest is history."

The Count asked, "So how many vampires have you taken out?"

Mayhem stared for a moment. "Just the one." Storm said with a scowl.

There was a silence in the room.

Then Storm Mayhem said, "You chaps realize how hard it is to kill one of those things?! They don't just say, 'Oh let me just stand here while you pound a stake into my heart.' If it was that easy, everyone would be doing it."

The Count said, "Never mind that. What about werewolves?"

Mayhem said, "I want ten ducats per every werewolf and vampire I kill. If I don't kill, then you don't pay."

"Ten ducats?!" the Count said.

Constable O'Taku sighed in exasperation. He said, "That is a small price to pay for each monster that is vanquished."

"Maybe for you," Count Graf said, "seeing how it is not your money."

The Constable shrugged his shoulders and made duck lips. He said, "It's your call. Do whatever you want. But I don't see what good your money is in a town full of vampires when your Constable quits."

"Fine, fine," the Count said, "You have a deal, Mayhem, but you must have a credible witness for each of creatures of the night that you bag."
Chapter 14

The next day the weather was not noteworthy. The Constable came into the great hall with a rotund gentleman, and his even wimpier looking assistant.

The Constable said, "Count Graf, I'd like to introduce to you his honor, Magistrate Pennyworth."

The Count refrained from making a cheap sarcastic remark about the Magistrate's name or currency inflation. "Welcome, your honor."

Magistrate Pennyworth was drenched in sweat, even though the weather was not uncomfortable nor was the Magistrate being physically active. He said, "Let's get to the business at hand. The Constable here has informed me about this case. So before I meet with the plaintiff, I would like to speak with the accused. Can we meet at the table here?"

"That will be fine," the Count said. He told Constable O'Taku, "Can you go get the Countess?"

Constable O'Taku said, "Whatever happened to that Fancy Lad? He used to do all that simple crap for you. Did he put in his fortnight announcement as well?"

"You know, I never did hear anything about him. Go get her, Constable."

O'Taku sighed and went out of the room while the others took a seat.

The Count said, "Please be seated, Magistrate."

They all took their seats.

The Count said, "How was your trip here?"

"It was hot." The Magistrate wiped the sweat off of his face. There were giant crescents of sweat marks under his spindly underdeveloped arms that had obviously never seen their first day of moderate physical labor.

"Oh, here she is now," Count Graf said when the Constable came into the room with Countess Irene.

Everyone took a seat on the same side of the table, except the Count who sat opposing them. The Count noticed the deep cut on the Countess's face. He wondered what the Magistrate would make of it.

The portly Magistrate pointed to the other side of the table and said, "Countess, why don't you sit over there?"

Instead, Irene sat at the head of the table. She said, "What do you want with me?"

The Magistrate said, "This is your official hearing concerning the accusation made by Lord Cornfoot that you are a vampire."

The Countess said, "There is absolutely no proof whatsoever that I am a vampire, because I'm not one. Cornfoot is a liar and should be excommunicated because of his lying. But if you really want to chop off my head, then go for it. I really don't care at this point."

The Magistrate said, "If you really don't care if we chop off your head, then that would solve everything. I believe all parties would be satisfied with that result and we would call it a day."

The Countess said, "I'm not surprised you would say that."

"Why?"

"You don't care if Cornfoot is a liar. You just want to hastily get this over with so you can return to your wine and gluttony."

"What?!" The Count said. "Irene! I can't believe you would speak to His Honor in such a way!"

The Countess said, "As if you really care!"

The Magistrate said, "You have made it simple for me, you vile wench. I have made my ruling. In spite of the fact the accused is belligerent towards the court; I always perform my duties in a fair minded manner. Generally, my cases involve petty complaints which I can resolve. In a serious case such as this, when a person is accused of vampirism, my job is to decide if the accusation has merit, not to declare a verdict. If there is reasonable evidence of the Countess's vampirism, the case then becomes a matter for the Judge appointed by the King. There is no need for me to complete this hearing since the accused has chosen not to mount a defense. So I will not bring Cornfoot in to restate his complaint or waste any of our time any further. Constable, you will keep the Countess under house arrest until the time of her trial, which will be here in as early as one week."

"Aye," Constable O'Taku said.

The Count heaved a sigh.

Then Magistrate Pennyworth said, "When these trials go to the King, I can tell you they almost always end in a guilty verdict. And in the case of vampirism, certainly the vampire must be beheaded. May God have mercy on your soul; if indeed you possess one."

All eyes were on the Countess.

She said, "I. . . I can't believe this is happening. This is wrong."

The Magistrate said, "You can select whomever you want to be your advocate at the trial, as futile as it seems."

The Countess's feelings of rebellion and anger were turning to sorrow and tears at the thought of the possibility of her execution really taking place.

The Magistrate said, "This hearing is dismissed. The Judge will be here in one week, God willing."

All rose and left the great hall.

Constable O'Taku escorted Countess Irene back to her chamber. He told her, "It would be a good idea if you didn't leave your chamber, Countess. This will all be over in a week."

Later, the Viscount came into Countess Irene's chamber. Irene was in bed trying to catch up on much needed sleep.

The Viscount said, "Mom, wake up." He shook her a few times to get her attention.

Finally she stirred. She said, "What?"

"Mom, I heard the maids talking. They said you are on trial here in a week, and that your guilt is already a foregone conclusion, and that they are going to . . . behead you!"

Irene said, "Graffy, I know it sounds bad, but it will be quick, and I won't feel much pain."

"No!" he said. He hugged her in the bed and started sobbing.

She stroked his hair as she fought back the tears. "Listen," she said, "After I am gone, the siege will end, and everything will be fine here again in Stroganoff. The killing will stop. Everyone will have food again, and they will all be fine. You will be fine."

"No! He sobbed, I won't be fine!"

"Sure you will. Everyone here will take very good care of you."

The Viscount said, "If you die, then I will die too!"

"What?! You mustn't say that!"

"No one loves me but you. If you are gone, I will be here with all these strangers who act like they hate me all of the time. I will have nowhere to go and I know I will surely die."

"Son . . . No. Look at me. We have to accept the facts. I'll be alive as long you carry my memory in your heart." She pressed her finger on his chest, then on his chin.

"Mom! That's the stupidest thing I ever heard!"

"Graffy!"

"I love you, Mom." He cried upon her. "You can't die! I'm serious! You have to live, Mom! Promise me you will win the trial!"

"They've already made up their minds."

"Then let's leave! Just me and you! Let's get out of here!"

The Countess said, "As bad as it sounds, I would probably have a better chance of winning a hopeless trial than making it out in this unforgiving world on my own where I would be killed on sight."

"Then win the trial, Mom! You have to at least try! Promise me you will try!"

"Very well, I promise. I will try."
Chapter 15

Zigmund the engineer approached Cornfoot and said, "I thought we were going to protect the trebuchet. We can all see how well that worked.

Cornfoot said, "You know what? Methinks I am so over thy snarky mouth. You're fired."

"What?!"

Cornfoot said, "Hold thy tongue. I don't see where spending more money on your fragile contraptions is worth putting up with a world-class snarkmaster such as thyself."

"Fragile? It took an army to bring my finely crafted heavy-duty trebuchet down."

"It will make a hideous lawn ornament for Count Stroganoff! Now off with you, snarkish snark-bishop of snarkiness."

Zigmund stormed away muttering.

Some unusual warriors numbering about a dozen with colorful small plate armor along with Reginald-Bob appeared before Cornfoot. He said, "Lordship, it is I, Reginald-Bob, returning triumphantly with aid in our effort against the wicked Count of Stroganoff."

"Reggie-Bob! Your timing is impeccable."

"Thank you, I think."

"We can use the help right now," Cornfoot said. "Introduce me to your associates."

"This is Aizawa," Reginald-Bob said. "He is the leader of ronin Samurai."

"What's that?" Cornfoot asked.

Reginald-Bob replied, "I guess it is some kind of paramilitary organization. Only Tanaka here among them can speak the Common Tongue."

"I am Tanaka," He said, bowing low. "We are ronin, which means we have no master. We are Samurai, which means we follow the Bushido code."

Cornfoot shrugged his shoulders. "That still don't tell me much."

Tanaka said, "We are searching for ourselves. Only by sojourn can we find ourselves. If we fail, we shall perish."

Cornfoot's eyes shifted to the general, then back at Tanaka. He told the grizzled old general, "They may be of some help, I suppose. Get them situated in our camp."

"Thank you," Tanaka said, bowing deeply.

Then he whispered to Reginald-Bob. "Is that all you could find? They don't look as tough as the Gorovians."

Reginald-Bob said, "They are crack infantry."

"Yeah, right. You heard the man. No one wanted them."

*******

Priscilla was a fine upstanding grandmother and paragon of virtue in Stroganoff. She had just offered her sage advice to some young women standing next to the wall on how they could better project an image of purity to the rest of the town.

She was walking along confidently when suddenly the terra firma below her gave way. She fell into the ground to her knees and was sinking further.

"Help!" Priscilla said. She suddenly sank in the ground up to her waist. Her arms were flailing "Help me!"

The young women went to her rescue and were trying to pull her out by the arms. One of the women stopped to adjust her own garments.

Then Priscilla screamed. "Help! Demons from the underworld are trying to pull me down!"

One of the nearby women said, "It is God's will," and she crossed herself.

Another screamed in moderation, "Help."

Some men heard the scream and came to her rescue. They tried to pull her up, but she kept sinking even further. Only her ample bosom kept her from sinking even deeper down into the mysterious hole in the ground.

"No!" Priscilla screamed. "They're ravaging me from the nether regions below, in my nether regions below! Get me out!" She screamed even more.

The tug of war between those above and the subterran menace below continued. The men would pull Priscilla up a few inches; then she would go back down. All of this to-and-fro wore upon her garments, which eventually were torn asunder and pulled underground off of her body, leaving only the sleeves of her dress on her otherwise bare body. She screamed, but could not cover her bare breasts as the men continued to use her arms to pull on her. Eventually she was coming out of the hole, completely naked except for the sleeves. The young women mostly screamed, except a few who gave no regard for propriety were laughing loudly. When they got Priscilla out of the hole, there were very dark hands gripping her ankles, unwilling to relinquish hold of her. The tug of war continued, with Priscilla being stretched in full display above ground out in the open.

One of the above ground men who were trying to pull her out saw the hand and shouted, "Demon!" and ran off screaming. Priscilla flopped onto the ground.

Constable O'Taku arrived on the scene and pulled back his arm, ready to strike at one of the men who was helping to pull Priscilla out of the hole, mistaking the action for a strange crime of molestation.

But a young woman screamed, "No! He's trying to help! Look in the hole!"

O'Taku looked in the hole and said, "Tunnel Rats!"

The women ran off screaming, "Tunnel Rats!"

O'Taku shouted, "No! Not real rats!" He started pulling on her arm.

The other man holding one of Priscilla's arms shouted, "Were-rats!" He let go of the arm and ran away from the hole, leaving only O'Taku in the tug-of-war.

O'Taku, who was trying to get at the arms of the abductor pulling Priscilla below by kicking, shouted, "No! Not were-rats, you fool! This is the work of Cornfoot tunnel diggers!"

A large man came to the scene with a rope. He wrapped it around Priscilla's midsection and several men pulled on the rope, which pulled her most of the way out of the hole. A tunneler hanging on to her ankles was pulled up enough for O'Taku to stab with his dagger. After the injured tunneler let go, Priscilla was drug face down screaming as she was dragged across the ground.

"Quick!" O'Taku said, "Fill in this hole!"

People from all over came with large pots and dumped raw sewage down the extensive tunnel, then tossed down a couple of decomposing bodies.

Constable O'Taku said, "Not a glorious victory, but a victory is a victory."

Priscilla ran off receiving the collective accolades of the many of the gawking onlookers.

The Constable inspected the wall near the hole and saw no degradation or cracks. If Priscilla had not collapsed the tunnel, Cornfoot would have been able to invade via the tunnel that very night. He looked on the outside of the wall and saw a tent that had previously been used as the facade of a fake merchant to conceal all of the excavated soil coming out of the tunnel.

Chapter 16

Aizawa and Tanaka approached Lord Cornfoot.

Tanaka said, "Aizawa says that this siege does not make any sense."

"What?!" Cornfoot said.

"Yes," Tanaka said, "He says it would be better idea to just send ninja in to kill evil one."

Cornfoot said, "I can never understand what you are talking about. What is a 'ninja'?"

"Ninja is spy. We have ninja. He can kill enemy."

"So just say 'spy' then. I'm not so sure about that idea, but if you think he can, that would save me some money. She's up in the tower of the keep. Go for it."

*******

It was a dark and stormy night, very grim and foreboding; chilling the emotions. The Countess was in her nightgown writing in her diary at her desk facing the single pane glass window, as torrents of rain beat against the thick opaque glass. The light of a single candle and the lightning flashes gave the room an eerie, dim, black and white look. Irene had her bejeweled dagger out before her as she wrote.

She wrote in her diary;

So many have a passion for so many things. Many strive for so much and lead their lives in ignorant bliss.

Yet I have no passion anymore because I took an interest in things and they returned to me void. Everything I have tried has turned to crap.

The ninja, dressed in all black threw a small grappling hook up on top of the wall that was over twenty feet high. He scurried up to the outer wall of Stroganoff; pulling himself up without detection. Then he hid in shadows as he moved through of the village toward the inner wall.

When you see no benefit in anything, including relationships, you lose interest in everything. When relationships have all failed, you lose interest in having them. When there is nothing left in life that interests you, you don't care about living.

The inner wall was no more difficult for the ninja to scale than the outer one. He did the same thing with the grappling hook, and then darted from shadow to shadow up to the keep. He saw an open second story window. There was nothing to snag a grappling hook on so, he had to scale up the wall without it. Block by block he pulled himself up. He only had about a quarter inch on each block to get a handhold or toehold. He reached the window undetected.

People may miss you when you are gone because you won't be doing what they want any more. People tolerate you when you do what they want; otherwise, they will come at you with all manners of hatred. I really don't care what they think anymore.

The rain-soaked Ninja managed to sneak out of the unoccupied room and into a poorly lit hallway. There were plenty of shadowy areas for him to blend in with. He saw a lone guard with a sword, leaning back against the wall next to a spiral staircase going up. The ninja found a pebble on the floor and threw it against a door down the hall from the guard as a distraction. The guard heard the noise and took the bait. The ninja went up the spiral staircase.

Many strive, doing all sorts of evil against you, to fulfill their schemes, but then in the end, they lose everything. You can't take it with you.

If we are going to die anyway, then why continue live a life that is only full of pain until our death? People can believe what they want. It really doesn't matter if I am a vampire or not. All is futility.

The deadly ninja assassin found the Countess's chamber and cracked the door open.

It is true love, if the proclaimed lover doesn't love us, unless for a cause? Why do we love others who don't truly love us back? But if we don't ,it's not true love.

The ninja scanned the dark room. He couldn't see much until a lightning flash revealed the Countess at her desk.

Everyone endures pain and they all hate you unless you endure the same pain as they do. Moreover, they fear you might become happy and that drives them all nuts.

It seems that all life is futile and not worth living. Only some of us highly sensitive people have figured that fact out before we die. We would do well not to tell anyone. We don't want everyone going around committing suicide. So it seems that even the writing of this message is futile. It seems that I would be better off if I just died.

The ninja slowly walked toward the Countess. He pulled out his dagger. There was no other noise that would not be mistaken for thunder, no moving shadows, or nothing to stop the assassination.

If my world ended this instant, what would be the difference?

The wind blows the same.

Nature continues,

Whether or not you are there.

It is not sad,

When no one is there to care.

Suddenly the ninja felt the incredible pain of a dagger slicing his throat as a hand covered his mouth to hide his death scream.

Doctor Saveli Zernebog wiped his knife on the ninja's black outfit and let the body fall to the floor.

The Countess jumped out of her chair. "Doctor?!"

He said, "I was going to invite you out for some quality hunting time, but the prey came to us. Irene, are you hungry? There's no reason to let all that blood go to waste. Otherwise, someone will have to clean up an even bigger mess."

"Yes," the Countess shut her diary and said, "leave the body. You better go. The Count has hired a vampire slayer."

"Oh? What's his name?"

"Storm Mayhem."

"Seriously? Okay, then I'm 'Darknight Longfang'."

"Yes, seriously. That is what he goes by," Countess Irene said. "You better go."

Zernebog said, "You're very reclusive, even for a vampire."

"I know," the Countess said, "It's one of my quirky flaws."

Zernebog stared at the body of the Ninja. "I suppose that will serve you well in the long run. You know, maybe I should have tried to get that one to vampirize with a blood transfusion. Can you imagine what he would be like as a vampire with his human abilities? Oh well, too late now." Zernebog looked both ways out of the chamber door and glided through the doorway and down the hall.

The Countess pondered the irony of how she was so indifferent about her life by how little she kept narrowly escaping death. Then she began to wonder who really was behind the attempt to kill her. She removed the assassin mask, revealing the features of a stranger from a land far away.
Chapter 17

The vampirism trial of Countess Irene Von Stroganoff took place in the square in the chilly morning air. Hundreds of people were in attendance. They were constantly shouting at the Countess and also at the immensely unpopular Lord Cornfoot and Lady Cornfoot who were under the protection of some of the King's Royal Guardsmen. A large stand was erected where the Judge was seated on one end. The Countess was seated on the other end of the platform opposite from the Judge. A large hooded executioner was standing in the center of the platform holding a huge axe. In front of him was a blood-stained chopping block.

After the clock in the tower chimed eight bells, from the stand, Constable O'Taku said, "Quiet! Anyone who wants to spend a few days chained to the whipping post out here keep yelling and carrying on!" It got real quiet after his announcement. Then he said, "This is the trial of Countess Irene Von Stroganoff, who is accused of being a vampire, by Lord Cornfoot, with the honorable Judge, Mortimer Salt presiding!"

Judge Salt was a fat man with a huge powdered white wig of curly hair. He said, "Okay, I'm sure we all want to get this thing over with, except maybe the Countess." He chuckled. "I call upon Lord Cornfoot to come forward with his accusation."

Cornfoot walked forward to the booing and catcalls of the crowd. He pompously ascended the stairs to the platform and turned toward the hostile crowd, striking a condescending pose.

A raucous man in the crowd said, "Look at her! She's frying in the sun!"

"Seize him!" O'Taku commanded some soldiers. They made their way into the crowd but the man escaped.

The crowd laughed.

Then the Constable said, "Hear ye all! Again, do not talk or make comments during the trial or ye shall be tied to the whipping post!"

Judge Salt said to Cornfoot, "What do you accuse the Countess of? Please tell the audience."

Cornfoot the Annoying stood and said, "I know for a fact that the Countess is a vampire." Then he started to descend the platform.

"Is that all you have to say?" Judge Salt said.

Lord Cornfoot went back up again and said, "I am a man of few words. You all know me as a man of deeds. I was just saying that I know with all metaphysical certitude that the Countess is a vampire. You may think that she does not have the complexion of a vampire, but I say unto you that she had changed her looks through the gimmickry and artifice of magical makeup powder!"

The crowd started gasping in shock and awe.

Cornfoot said, "And as for her teeth, they are the teeth of a vampire."

Irene closed her lips tightly.

Cornfoot said, "Sure, she hides her vampire choppers now, but she will not hesitate to use them on each of your necks!" He dramatically pointed at the audience.

The crowd gasped again.

"You have been living in total danger here!" Cornfoot said. I tried and tried to liberate you from the evil that Count Graf has subjected you to, but I have been stopped by the demonic powers coming from this evil lair! Look at her eyes! They look better now, but who can say that she does not have someone else's eyes in her own eye sockets?!"

"Ewww!" A woman afflicted with an untreatable eye disorder in the crowd said.

Constable O'Taku looked at the woman with the eye disorder and pointed toward the whipping post. "Whipping post; just sayin'!"

The woman afflicted with the eye disorder put both of her hands over her mouth.

Cornfoot said, "And I can tell you all, I have seen her drink the blood of a dead animal in the Stroganoff dining room with mine own eyes! I would never lie about that. I am totally honest. The Priest saw it too! That place, they call their keep, is nothing but a den of iniquity and a haven for evildoers! People are talking," Cornfoot said, "They say they have seen the Countess running at night with a nest of vampires thirsty for your blood!"

The Countess screamed, "I had to do what they said, or they would kill me and my family!"

"Quiet!" The Judge said, "You will remain silent until the plaintiff has completed his statement, or you will be put on the rack."

"See? She admits it! As I was saying; there used to be a fancy lad running about. What happened to him?! Was his blood sucked out? Also, I hear that the Countess killed the Count's hounds so she could suck their blood! She is nothing more than a dog-sucking vampire! Also, it is said that she does not cast a reflection in a mirror. Just look at her hair worn in the manner of a vampire! Her ears would look like a vampire had she not snipped the tips of them! Consider her dark vampiric wardrobe with the tall collar! She walks like a vampire! She smells like a vampire! She . . . is . . . a . . . vampire!" Lord Cornfoot descended the platform and took his seat.

The Judge addressed the crowd. "Ordinarily, the fairest way to conduct a trial, and the most dramatic and cool type of trial to watch is trial by combat. But under the unusual circumstances of such a trial, whereas the defendant is accused of being a vampire, this hardly seems fair; because if the accused really is a vampire, then she would be able to use her vampiric powers to defeat her totally innocent human accuser. So that won't work. Therefore, we shall try something a little different here to determine the guilt of the blood-thirsty Countess. This shall be a trial by compurgation.

Every soul in attendance was bewildered at the prospect of a "trial by compurgation". The Countess had a worried look on her face, wondering what sort of madness of physical violation this would result in.

Judge Salt said, "The accused shall be given the power of wager of law and oath helping."

There was still no understanding among anyone with that explanation.

The Judge asked the Countess, "Shall you speak in your own defense, or will you use a proxy?"

The Countess looked at her son out in the crowd. Then her head sank and she shook it, feeling full of quit. Yet, she remembered her pledge to her beloved Viscount Graffy and declared, "I shall call Jayne Doux as my proxy."

The Count said, "Who the heck is that? I hate to see their bill after this."

"Moi?!" Jayne The Chambermaid put her hand over her breast.

No one surrounding the Count knew who Jayne Doux was, but when the Countess's chambermaid ascended the platform, there was a murmur of disbelief among the audience. Some couldn't contain their composure and started laughing.

The Judge said, "The Countess is guilty until proven innocent. Jayne Doux; to save the Countess's head, you must call twelve witnesses forward who will attest to her innocence."

Jayne Doux stood silent for a long time, overwhelmed by the responsibility as everyone stared at her. "Can't we have a trial based upon the merits of evidence brought forth in the trial?"

The Judge chuckled and said, "That is far too easy for the accused to escape punishment. Besides, that's just a lot of work."

The executioner started to carefully check the edge on his axe by lightly scraping it with his thumb.

Chapter 18

Jayne said to the trial gallery in the plaza, "I think the Countess is innocent."

"Speak up," the Judge said.

"I believe in the Countess's innocence."

Laughing could be heard from the crowd.

Judge Salt said, "Bear in mind, that if the Countess does not acquire eleven more witnesses or is later caught as a vampire, you will be executed with her for trying to hide her lies."

"Aye, I understand, Your Honor," Jayne said. "The Countess does not drink blood. She eats fava beans. That's how I know she cannot be a vampire."

The young Viscount said, "The Countess is innocent!"

Cornfoot said, "He's just a boy! He knows nothing!"

Judge Salt said, "He will not be allowed. If no one else has anything to say, you two will be beheaded."

Jayne Doux pleaded to the audience, saying, "I beg of you! Come forward! You know this is a lie! You listen to too many rumors and gossip! I never said the Countess's image did not reflect in the mirror! I was trying to say that her eyesight was so bad that she couldn't even see her own reflection!"

A man with blood all over his apron ascended the steps. The crowd was horrified. He stood closely to Jayne and said, "I am Elwin Fuller, the Count's Chef. I confess that the beef Stroganoff we served Lord Cornfoot was actually chicken-fried dog."

The crowd gasped and some threw up a little in their throats.

Elwin the chef continued, "I butchered the dogs, because that idiot Cornfoot had a siege on Stroganoff and there was no other food. That is why when Cornfoot came to dine there were no side dishes to be served with the doggie steaks. I believe the Countess is innocent!"

Storm Mayhem confidently ascended the platform. "I am Storm Mayhem the Vampire Slayer. It is lucky for you all here today that I am here. I am one of the world's foremost authorities on vampires. I attest that this woman is no vampire. If she was, I would have killed her already. My expert testimony ought to be good enough for all, so I move that the trial be ended now."

"Motion to end the trial is denied," the Judge said. "It will continue as I originally said; there must be twelve witnesses."

Mayhem looked shocked and shrugged his shoulders. He started to go back to the audience.

"You may not move!" the Judge ordered.

Storm Mayhem looked shocked and took his place back on the platform.

A man limped badly up the stairs. "I am Molnar the tooth puller. I can't believe anyone would talk about the Countess's teeth like that! You know most of you here have teeth that look like that of a dog!" A large number of those in the crowd put their hands over their mouths.

Molnar said, "I say she is innocent, and I am willing to stake my own life upon my word!"

The portly Doctor Dragos also went up the stairs. "As your town Doctor, it is my responsibility to tell you the truth about the Countess. Her eyes looked the way they did because she was starving herself to death. I don't know why she didn't eat, but I can tell you that she is no vampire. Cornfoot, you must recant!"

"Never!" Cornfoot said. "You fools are all going to die! Judge, this trial be a sham! These be all friends of the vampire Countess and their friends. It be like a vampire social network."

The Judge said, "The only thing wrong with this trial here is your grammar. Jayne, please continue this twisted act of futility."

A man with a hood over his head also walked up and joined the group. He pulled his hood down from his head.

The Count said, "Fancy Lad! Where were you?!"

"What?" He said. "I'm surprised anyone missed me, since you never even call me by my right name. My name is Kyle by the way. I'm here so obviously the Countess did not kill me. I believe the Countess is innocent. I just thought I better say something now or the Count might not like it."

"Thank you, Kyle," the Countess said. "Thank you all, but you must all recant your testimonies, to save your lives!"

Judge Salt said, "It's a pity that now we have no choice but to execute so many. Do any of you wish to admit to your lies?"

No one left the stage. Then the crowd became noisy as the Count slowly hobbled up the stairs, because of his battle injury to his leg.

"I am Count Graf Von Stroganoff the Fourth. I know the Countess is innocent. She has been very poor of spirit, because she has not been loved the way she should have been. That is because her husband, meaning me, has been nothing but a selfish boor." The Count looked at Irene. "I may be a fool for coming up here, but I cannot live with myself if Irene is executed today."

Tears were streaming down Irene's face.

Cornfoot said, "This is a cheap touchy-feely attempt to win your sympathy, Judge. Call their bluff and take their heads!"

The Judge wiped a tear and said, "Shut up! I'm watching this!"

Count Graf looked at Irene and said, "I am sorry, Irene." He turned back toward the crowd. "This woman acted like a vampire out of spite and animus towards her accusers. That was foolish, but she gave no care for her own life. That was all an act by a confused woman. I know that she is innocent, and I cannot live another day knowing her death was because of the lie of an annoying neighbor!" He pointed at Cornfoot the Annoying.

The executioner lifted his mask a bit so he could wipe his tears.

Cornfoot shouted, "Lies! They are all either vampires, or slaves to vampires! They should all be put to death now! If you let them go, it will be like releasing a pit viper into a baby carriage! This be the most elaborate collection of liars ever assembled!"

Judge Salt said, "Silence! Everyone knows the most elaborate story is the most accurate."

The crowd nodded.

Salt said, "However, since I made the rule of twelve witnesses, no matter how arbitrary that number is, it must be followed. So if there is no one else . . . "

Then the beautiful bride of Lord Cornfoot, Lady Isabella Cornfoot arose. She was clearly way too hot for him, and was not even sporting a goiter on the neck.

"What?!" Lord Cornfoot said as he looked at her. "What are you doing?"

She properly walked up the platform holding up her dress with her goiterless chin in the air and said, "I am Lady Cornfoot. I must confess to you that this whole thing is just, shall I say . . . sort of a misunderstanding."

The audience gasped and murmured.

Lady Cornfoot said, "It all started when I was graciously invited to Castle Stroganoff for a convivial luncheon. The problem came when the menu started out with blood soup, then a main course of blood sausage, then blood cakes for dessert."

Jayne gave the chef standing next to her an evil eye. "That's disgusting."

The chef said, "Hey, they like it."

Lady Cornfoot continued by saying, "I know these dishes are not uncommon for these times, but there are many of us who find them to be repulsive, especially when the entire bloody meal is bloody made of blood. Anyway, so when I got back home, I told Lord Cornfoot about the theme of such a bizarre menu. I said, 'That Countess; she be like a vampyre or something wanting to always eat blood.' Well, then he thought I said vampire, when I said vampyre."

The Judge asked, "What's the difference?"

"Huh?" Lady Cornfoot said.

"You said vampire, not vampire. There's no difference."

"No, I said vampyre, not vampire. It's completely different."

"No," Judge Salt said, "it's not. It's exactly the same. Listen to yourself."

Lady Cornfoot said, "You men are all the same."

Judge Salt's eyebrows rose.

Lady Cornfoot said, "A vampyre is someone who is a mortal human who likes to eat or drink blood, or just wants to look like a vampire. Anyways, I don't really pay much attention to all of Lord Cornfoot's Lordship stuff. I didn't know he was doing some kind of war thingy over here."

The Count said, "War thingy?! People died! He sent an assassin last night into our House!"

Lady Cornfoot said, "I know, right?"

Lord Cornfoot's eyes shifted about, he said, "Ye have no proof."

Lady Cornfoot said, "So anyway, I know for a fact that the Countess is probably maybe not a vampire. She might be a vampyre, but I say she is innocent. Lord Cornfoot thought I meant that Lady Von Stroganoff was a vampire and tried to attack me. He will do anything to please me because I am out of his league to begin with, and admittedly, very high maintenance."

Judge Salt said, "Hear me now! All of this was caused by you, Lady Cornfoot!"

"No, your honor. My husband misunderstood what I was saying. I never told him to go and stir up some trouble with our neighbors."

Lord Cornfoot slapped his own face and shook his head.

Lady Cornfoot continued, saying, "I was just making a comment about the Countess's menu choices to my husband. He's the one who overreacted and got everything all twisted around sideways. Then Irene started insanely acting like a vampire instead of a vampyre. That's not my fault either. If anything, I think it is your fault for coming here, Judge."

"Huh?!" the Judge said. "Now you are placing the burden of blame upon me?!"

Lord Cornfoot was in his seat shaking his head with a scowl on his face.

Everyone sat silently trying to collect their wits after the bizarre testimony.

Jayne Doux asked, "Is there anyone else out there who believes the Countess is innocent now?!"

The entire crowd raised their hands. Constable O'Taku raised his hand. The guards around Cornfoot raised their hands. Lord Cornfoot looked down and raised his hand. The entire crowd cheered. They knew the siege had just ended.

Judge Salt said, "With the twelve witnesses testifying to her innocence, I hereby declare the defendant, Countess Irene Von Stroganoff, to be innocent of the charge of vampirism."

The jubilant crowd started jumping up and down.

The Judge said, "This case is dismissed." He and the executioner immediately left.
Chapter 19

After Judge Salt proclaimed the not guilty verdict, the Count and Countess hugged each other tightly and were publicly kissing. Jayne looked right and left and stood in front of them to hide their brazen display. The Viscount ran to the stage and joined his parents in a group hug.

The Count turned to Jayne and said, "Jayne; you are to never bow or curtsy before us ever again. You are no longer a chambermaid. You are an advisor to the Countess. You shall be promoted to the position of Lady in Waiting. In fact, you shall move into the Countess's chamber, that is, if my Countess will consent to moving into my quarters." He twice raised his eyebrows toward Irene.

"I find that arrangement to be acceptable," Irene said.

The Count turned and announced to the crowd, "Listen, everyone! I hereby declare that tonight we will have a great festival! There will be plenty of food and drink, all to be provided by our wonderful friend and neighbor, Lord Cornfoot!"

The ecstatic crowd went even crazier.

Lord Cornfoot put on a fake smile and nodded his head at the unilateral terms dictating him as sponsor of the enormous party.

The chef with the bloody apron shuffled over to Jayne. He said, "Wow. That was some real crazy stuff, huh?"

"Uh huh," Jayne said with a nod while barely looking at him.

The chef said, "You know, I was thinking that . . . um. What do you say about me escorting you to the big party?"

Jayne looked at him in astonishment. "Certainly not," she said. "Look at you! You look horrible! You are covered in blood! It was a fine thing that you did, coming to our aid on the stage, but . . ."

The chef took off the apron and threw it off of the stage. He looked at Jayne directly and said, "Miss Doux; I promise to be spotless for the party tonight. Please hear me; I am an honorable and Christian man. I have admired you for some time, and I simply lacked the boldness to speak to you. And now that I see what sort of woman you are and I am even more smitten by you. Jayne, I should like to call on you."

Jayne said, "I'm afraid that is impossible."

"Oh . . . well, I."

Jayne said, "Because I would never accept being courted by, or even called upon by a stranger. A man whose name I didn't even know."

The chef smiled and said, "My name is Elwin Fuller."

Jayne didn't look at Elwin and said, "Very well then, Elwin Fuller, you may call on me." She walked away, leaving him with only a slight smile out of the corner of her mouth.

Elwin immediately followed her. "What about the party?"

*******

That night, the big shindig was set up on the clock tower square. The platform used for the trial was now a stage for the band that Lord Cornfoot had hired, The Goth Dragons. The Goth Dragons were a barbaric band of bards dressed in cheap furs. The band had two lute players, a drummer and a bagpipe player. The band started playing some heavy riffs on their lutes, which is a stringed instrument. Then the drummer joined in. Then the front man, also one of the lute players sang the lyrics:

She fell. She fell,

Going down into Hell.

Demon pulled her down!

Down under the town!

Then the lute players played some epic string riffs, then the front minstrel continued,

They pulled her up,

They pulled her down,

All that fightin' ripped her gown,

It came clear off!

So everyone could see,

Priscilla had a rockin' body!

Then the bagpipe joined in and the drummer was hitting it hard. The minstrel was screaming, "Yeah! Yeah! Yeaaaaaah! Rockin! Rockin! Rockin! Yeaaaaaah!" The band was jumping around while jamming and the crowd went crazy. A seedy looking bloke was drinking a few feet from Priscilla while staring unceasingly at her.

After the song, the Count saw Constable O'Taku and said, "So now will you reconsider quitting your job?"

O'Taku sighed. "You know, I think I will. Things are not perfect, but where can you go these days and not have a few cursed horrors of the night roaming around?"

"That's great!" the Count said, slapping him on the back. "Man that is a relief! I know things will work out. They always do."

The Count was greeting all of his guests. His approval rating was coming back with each handshake. He said, "Greetings, Fancy Lad!"

"Hi, me Lord."

"I see you're donned in extra-gay apparel tonight."

"As well I should be for such an exceedingly gay event."

"All right then. Glad you're okay, Kevin."

"Kyle. Thanks."

Count Graf made a pistol with his hand. "Gotcha."

The Goth Dragon front man said, "We'd like to do another song for you. This one is called, "Cornfoot".

The ballad started out with a soft and sensitive plucky sound on the lutes. The twisted troubadour sang,

Lord Cornfoot wanted the Countess dead,

He tried to put a big rock on her head.

'Cuz Lady Cornfoot said,

Then the song went into some plucky ethereal, wistful notes.

During the music, Elwin asked Jayne, "May I have the honor of this dance?"

Jayne said, "Of course".

They went out in the dancing area and gazed into each others' eyes.

Then the song morphed into a power ballad.

Vampyre! Vampyre! Countess was a blood-sucking witch!

Trying to escape, that Annoying son of a bitch!

Liar! Liar! Yeaaaaaah!

The music sounded vindictive and violent.

Jayne and Elwin stopped dancing.

Elwin said, "Methinks you can't really dance to this music."

They left the dancing area.

Elwin said, "May I be so bold as to ask you a question?"

"What is it, Elwin?"

I heard you were promoted to Lady in Waiting for the Countess. Is that really true?"

"It is. I can't really believe it. I was a commoner with no title whatsoever."

Elwin seemed disappointed. "Do you think being so important will change you? I mean, will your promotion have an effect upon whom you will decide to marry?"

She touched the bottom of his chin with her index finger. "I haven't really had the chance to think about it."

Meanwhile, the Count limped over to Cornfoot and said, "Really? That's the song you had them play here? That's offensive, even to me."

Lord Cornfoot said, "I reckon most of that verse was supposed to be the song to be played during the after-party after we seized Castle Stroganoff. I vow that I had nothing to do with their lyrics. You know, it be artistic license. But right now everyone is too drunk on my money to care, Graf."

The Count looked around and saw everyone was laughing and having a good time. "No, Cornfoot, they're just happy."

Cornfoot said, "Count, I want to say I'm sorry about all the trouble."

The Count looked over and saw Countess Irene and Lady Cornfoot smiling and chatting with each other. He told Lord Cornfoot, "Apology accepted."

They shook hands.

Cornfoot sighed and said, "Lady Cornfoot says that it would be the fair thing to do; you know, to help you rid Stroganoff of the real vampires you have here now."

"Did she mean vampires, or vampyres?"

"Can't say that I've wrapped my brain all the way around that one yet," Cornfoot said.

"Any help you can provide with the vampire nest would be appreciated," the Count said.

"Aye. I'll send some people in the morning."

Chapter 20

That night during the wee hours the vampire nest in Stroganoff met in the plaza.

Zernebog said, "Look at all this trash. I can't believe those careless humans use such derogatory language when speaking of us while they trash their own town."

Rufus Merriweather said, "Never mind that, Doctor. We were just wondering how your little protégé was doing. You know, the Countess."

"She alright, I guess. But she's average height and build, you know."

Rayne Hellspawn said, "How nice! Did you know that she was found 'not guilty' of being a vampire today in a long trial in the morning sun?!"

Saveli Zernebog said, "No, I had not heard such a rumor."

Rayne said, "It's a rumor that dozens of townspeople are talking about!"

"Silly humans," Zernebog said. "That is good for the Countess. No one will suspect her now."

Rufus said, "Doctor! She was playing you, fool! That way you would not attack her or her family! Now, thanks to you, she knows all about us! She is going to give our identities away! You realize what you've done?!"

Doctor Zernebog said, "I don't believe any of this!"

Rufus said, "Gadzooks! I don't know if we even have anything in the Vampire Codex for stupid stuff like this! You really pulled a winner there Zernebog! Did you ever even actually see her partake of human blood?"

"We went out hunting a few times together."

"That's not the question!" Rufus said.

Herman Malankoff said, "All we have worked for here is in jeopardy. What are we going to do now? If we all just leave, where will we go?"

Francisco said, "I hate starting over. It's hard to keep a low profile when you are new to an area. What if they find us sleeping?"

Rufus pointed at Zernebog and said, "You better kill that Countess right away so she doesn't tell everyone about us. You follow me?"

Rayne Hellspawn said, "You know what? Two can play at that 'I don't know who you really are' game."

"What do you mean by that?" Zernebog asked.

Rayne used her banshee-like scream to shriek, "Vampire! He tried to bite me!"

"Quiet!" Zernebog scolded her in a hushed tone. "People will hear you!"

Herman said, "Hey, that's a good idea." Then he shouted in his deep voice, "Get him!"

Zernebog was incredibly fast and agile as he made a break from the angry nest. The others chased him and shouted, "Vampire! Get Him!"

Soon a large screaming mob of humans with torches, pitchforks, and clubs joined in the hunt for Zernebog. The pursuing vampires broke off from the pursuit and turned down an alley. The vampires started laughing among themselves.

Rayne said, "Serves him right!"

Rufus said, "What an idiot! He always thinks he is the smartest one of us because he has that degree. I hope those dopes catch him! That was a great idea, Rayne. If he does get away, then maybe he will get the blame for whatever we do. Either way, it works for me."

Zernebog was much faster and able to evade the humans, but word of the ongoing vampire hunt travelled amazingly fast. Everywhere he turned there was another group of peasants with a grudge converging upon him. This was the most frantic situation he had been in for the most recent several decades of his centuries-old lifespan. He started to realize that on this occasion, he could be in some serious trouble. He found a side passage that looked like it could be useful, but then he found after he ran down it, the alley was a dead end. There was nothing he could really climb up, or leap up to. The agitated mob was at the entrance to the side passage and nearly upon him.

A man at the front of the peasant mob wearing a long cloak looked directly at Zernebog and turned to the others. He said, "Shut up! Why does every single person in the mob have to be screaming simultaneously at the top of your lungs? What I was trying to say was that I saw the vampire go . . . "

Sssssssthwap! The man leading the peasant charge screamed and fell to the ground in pain.

"What's wrong with 'im?" A tall thin peasant asked.

A short, fat peasant said, "Look 'ere. 'Es got an arrow stuck in 'im."

Storm Mayhem came running up, "I got him! Stand back! I'm a professional!" He straddled the man in the cloak and was preparing to drive a stake into his heart.

"Stop!" The short fat peasant pushed Storm off. "Wot ere ye doin'?! Ere ye daft?"

"Well, I was going to finish off this vampire! Now stand back! I'm an expert!"

The tall guy said, "That bloke be no vampire! Wot ere ye, brainless or sometin'?!"

Mayhem got in the chest of the tall peasant, "Hey doofoid! That bloke is wearing a cloak, not sweat pants and a hoodie like a normal peasant. And he is not carrying a torch or a pitchfork!"

A toothless woman shouted, "This is a town, you simpleton! We don't all own a pitchfork here! What use would we have for it?!"

The crowd started expressing their anger toward Storm Mayhem. Doctor Saveli Zernebog casually walked by the quarrel and left the scene.

The man laying on the ground with an arrow in his leg was holding his leg and the hood fell from his head.

A werewolf nonchalantly walked by the scene undetected by anyone.

Mayhem said, "Isn't that Kyle? The guy everyone calls the fancy lad?"

Kyle pulled out the arrow that was lodged in his calf. "Yeeeeow! Ugh!" He continued to moan. "Who shoots a guy who is among a vampire hunting mob with a crossbow, thinking he is a vampire?!"

"It be that idiot," the toothless woman said, pointing at Mayhem.

"No! It all makes sense now!" Mayhem said. "He's a vampire! I'm a professional, so I ought to know!"

A mummy was walking his mummified dog passed by without being noticed.

Kyle was panting and holding his leg. He said, "What is it with this town thinking everyone is a vampire?! We were just ready to catch him, until you showed up! Was that big deal vampire you supposedly killed in that story you tell a million times actually even a vampire?!"

The crowd started murmuring in hostile tones. Mayhem decided to move along.

Chapter 21

Even though it was almost twilight; with twilight being the time of day, and not being like, some other story, Zernebog remembered Rufus's threat toward him in vivid detail. So he thought it best that he go to the tower and confront the Countess.

He had no trouble making his way to the tower. The door to the chamber creaked as Zernebog peered inside.

"Who is it?" he saw the woman getting out of bed wearing only a nightgown and covered herself with her crossed arms.

"It is I, Doctor Zernebog." He entered the room. "What? You're not the Countess."

Jayne Doux said, "No, this is not her chamber anymore, and really, it doesn't matter who I am, you need to knock first. I really need to have them fix the lock to this door. So do you and the Countess have some sort of arrangement between the two of you?"

Zernebog slowly moved toward Jayne. He said, "Aren't you afraid of me?"

"Get out!"

"You should be afraid, my tasty morsel; because I am a vampire. I will thoroughly enjoy drinking your delicious blood as I fondle your dying corpse." He kept moving closer. "Your life; given in exchange for my momentary satisfaction. Seems fair enough, don't you think?"

Jayne said, "You foul cursed creature! I command you to flee, in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ, who came and shed His Blood for the sin of all mankind! I am a believer in Jesus and am saved by his sacrifice on the Cross! Satan himself has no power over me whatsoever, and you have even less! Therefore, in the name of Jesus I command you to depart! Don't make me say it again!"

Zernebog held up his hands and said, "Really? You had to play the J-card. Haters always gotta hate. If I didn't know better, I'd say you were lycanthrophobic. I have rights too, you know."

Jayne said, "You wretched pathetic vile monster! You can't even say the name of Jesus! The only right you have is the right to die a spiritual death once and for all and rot eternally in Hell!"

Jayne picked up a small chair next to the wall and smashed it on the floor. She picked up a leg that broke off and started moving toward Zernebog, pointing the sharp broken end at him.

He backed up saying, "Hey, can't you take a joke?" He was laughing a nervous fake laugh. Then he quickly turned and ran out of the room.

Zernebog made his way out of the keep in the usual way. He walked down the quiet street, relieved to get away from Jayne, who reeked of goodness and purity and power from God Almighty. All of a sudden, he found himself on his back. A werewolf was taking swipes at him with his claws. Zernebog tried to block the slashing attacks, but they came fast and furious. He managed to get out one of his daggers and tried to make a stabbing attack at the werewolf who grabbed the knife wielding arm with both claws. Then the werewolf started furiously biting Zernebog's wrist. It wouldn't take much more of it before the hand would be separated from his arm at the wrist. He was willing to lose his hand to win the battle, because he could reattach it later. Zernebog was using his other arm to try and stop the werewolf, but it was doing no good. Then the hand with the dagger popped off and slid across the cobblestones. Then the werewolf went for the jugular, but Zernebog managed to find his other dagger with his good hand. He plunged it repeatedly into the neck of the werewolf. Zernebog became drenched in werewolf blood. Finally, the werewolf was unable to continue the attack and fell limp upon the maimed vampire. Zernebog rolled him off to the side and started looking for his hand. He heard the mob coming toward him down the street. He quickly found his hand and dagger. Then he saw a couple of werewolves coming from the other direction. He put his hand in his pocket and leaped up and grabbed a window ledge. He was hanging there while the werewolves and the mob converged. Then the human mob and werewolves started fighting. The screams and growling echoed down the street. It seemed that the entire town had become the capital for all that is bedlam. Zernebog used his super vampire strength to pull himself up onto the window ledge. He balanced himself long enough to reattach his hand. He still couldn't use the hand, but he managed to jump over and grab some old ivy and climb up the wall onto the roof of the building. From there, he managed to escape. The peasants mutilated the werewolves to death, but at the cost of several human lives, including the short fat peasant who had recently berated Storm Mayhem.
Chapter 22

I was a bright and fair morning. The Count was seated at the head of the breakfast table in the great hall wearing his usual business attire, with the Countess sitting next to him. She was wearing a lavender silk robe. She was sitting at the corner of the expansive table just to be more near him. Likewise, he was not discouraging her closeness. Jayne Doux and Viscount Graffy were also having their morning meal with the couple.

Jayne said, "Good morning to you. It's nice to see all is well with the both of you."

The Count said, "You know, I can't recall ever having experienced such a beautiful morning."

"That's lovely, Sir," Jayne said. "Constable O'Taku has requested a meeting this morning with the vampire hunting team. I told him this morning would be fine."

"Very well," the Count said, as he was distracted by the Countess's provocative body language.

The Countess stood next to him and faced him. She put her knee upon the corner of the table. The seductress said, "I really need to stretch." She moaned and reached for the sky, arching her back. Her robe slipped open. There was no evidence from Jayne's perspective that the Countess had anything on underneath it. The Count's expression became serious as he was fixated upon the profile of his noble bride.

Countess Irene said, "Oh my, would you look at that? Another wardrobe malfunction." She pulled her long hair back with both arms.

Jayne Doux hid her face in her hands.

The Countess pulled on her robe, making it wide open as if to adjust it somehow, she wiggled around, then quickly pulled it shut. "Graf, you nasty, nasty man. I feel violated, like you were just taking the opportunity to look."

The Count said, "I knew I shouldn't be looking, but I must confess my gaze lingered because I became intoxicated as I feasted on your profoundly stimulating and alluring delights. I think it would be prudent for us to return to my . . . our quarters to resolve these repetitive robe issues."

The Countess said, "I won't be punished, will I?"

Jayne Doux peeked one eye from between her fingers and said, "Countess, be mindful of the boy."

The Count said, "Some punishment may be in order." He got up to leave the table. "I think this will require my full attention for the balance of the day."

"Jayne said, "Count, the meeting. Ladies in Waiting do not normally handle such affairs."

The Count said, "You scheduled it, so handle it. You're an advisor now, Lady Doux."

Jayne said, "Are you sure? Less than a week ago, I was nothing more than a mere chambermaid. Now I am conducting an important meeting vital to the very survival of Stroganoff."

The Count said, "There's nothing to it. You get everyone involved to attend the meeting; you find out what the problem is; you ask everyone what the best solution is; you choose one then you do it; then you check the results and adjust accordingly, which is precisely what I plan to do with the Countess's wardrobe malfunctions. If you want to do a good job, you will have to pay full attention to all the details and be extremely thorough. Now good day."

The Countess told the Count as they walked away, "I'm so glad we have Jayne with us now to help us manage our time."

The Viscount shouted, "Dad! Can I take the carriage?"

The Count looked back at the Viscount and said, 'Ask Jayne," then they left the great hall.

Jayne looked at the Viscount and said, "This meeting all sounds very confusing. Won't you stay here and help me with it?"

"Help you?" the Viscount asked. "You forget? I'm only ten years old."

"But you're ten going on twenty, and you carry a title."

"So do you now, Lady Jayne."

"Yours carries more weight."

The Viscount said, "I don't know, I was so hoping to take the carriage and get out of this place for a day, but it does sound like the meeting could be a lot of fun."

"Sure it will," Jayne said. "And it will be good experience for the day when you become the Count. Besides, we already ate the horses."

"If I am a Count, do I have to get married? Then I would have to do stupid junk like fixing ladies stupid robes and stuff. I would hate that."

"Yes of course, when you become Count you won't be required to do anything as distasteful as that," she said with raised eyebrows and taking a deep breath.

Soon the meeting attendees began to enter the great hall.

Cornfoot's grizzled old general showed up, along with Aizawa and Tanaka. Sir Lekrak, the Bleu Knight, who was dressed in formal attire, confidently strutted into the room and took a seat. Constable O'Taku came in, along with Storm Mayhem the Vampire Slayer. The men were all chit-chatting about recent war stories and laughing.

Jayne said, "Doesn't it bother you men to know that you were going to kill each other last week, now you are working together?"

The grizzled old general said, "We're soldiers, lassie. We do what we are told, and that's about it."

Tanaka said, "Each moment is reflected upon as if it were the only moment in time. We reflect upon the elegance of extreme violence, and the beauty of a fight unto death." Then he translated his remarks to Aizawa.

"Yeah, that," Storm Mayhem said. "What that guy said. That's what I was going to say."

Razvan, the emissary who was sent out to find help in the struggle against Lord Cornfoot finally returned. He entered the great hall with two blonde muscular warriors with battle axes and wooden shields. The sides of their heads were shaven with long braided hair on top. They had long braided beards. They both wore chain mail on their breast. One was exceptionally tall, while the other was well below average height. The large Viking had a bearskin over his shoulders and the smaller one had a wolfskin over his shoulders.

Razvan asked, "Where's the Count?"

Jayne said, "He's indisposed for the day. May I help you?"

"Yeah," Razvan said. "Get me the Count."

"I can't do that," Jayne said.

Constable O'Taku said, "Verily? The Count will not be here today? Certainly thou jest."

"Why even have a meeting?" the Bleu Knight added.

Razvan said, "Look, I just travelled a stupid distance for the Count and got some help for him against Cornfoot. I want him to know that. And I don't answer to any woman other than the Countess."

The Viscount said, "We are no longer at war with Lord Cornfoot. And I'm in charge here. "

Razvan laughed. He said, "No you're not."

The Viscount said, "Do you doubt that I could have you take some lashes at the post in the courtyard? Just sayin'."

Razvan paused and examined the Viscount's face, looking for a sign that he was not serious. He said, "I have no intention of pissing thee off, your Lordship."

"Thou pisseth me off not. We're good. What do you think this is, the Dark Ages?"

Jayne said, "We still need help. You did well to bring mercenary warriors to us. We are having a meeting to determine how to tackle our vampire problem. Who do we have here?"

"Sven and Olaf," Razvan said. "There are ten others outside. They are Viking Norsemen."

"Please have a seat," Jayne said.

Olaf said, "What manner of tribe is it that the leader is a boy and the war chief is a woman?"

Viscount Graf said, "That's not really an accurate statement. We're just filling in."

Olaf and Sven looked at each other. They didn't look very satisfied with the situation.

Razvan said, "My work is done here." He bowed to the Viscount and backed his way out of the room.
Chapter 23

Jayne sat at the head of the meeting table and said, "Okay, so welcome to everyone here to this very special meeting. Let's go around the table and give us your name, maybe something about yourself, like your hobbies."

The Viscount said, "Yo, I'm Viscount Graf."

"Okaaay," Jayne said, "What about you?"

"I am Lekrak, the Bleu Knight. I like long walks on the beach, and watching my victims scream as I run them through with my sword."

"I'm Olaf. My hobby is fishing. Do not judge me by the short length of my bones. I am a formidable warrior."

"I'm Sven," the tall Viking said. "I like to raid and pillage. It's awesome."

Olaf nudged Sven and shook his head.

For dramatic effect, Storm's head was down with the large brim of his hat covering his face. He slowly looked up, and said slowly with his deep voice, "You may already know me. I am Storm Mayhem the Vampire Slayer. You probably are wondering why I called you all here today. . ."

"You didn't call anyone here," Constable O'Taku said. "I did."

Storm Mayhem continued, "Anyways; like I said, I am a vampire slayer. So, this isn't my first jousting match here."

Olaf asked, "Is killing a vampire anything like killing a troll? I killed a troll once. The ugly monster sneaked in and switched my sister's baby with a troll baby so I had to get her back. They got suspicious about the whole thing when they saw the purple hair growing upward. Then they were pleased with the sudden growth spurts of the wee child; but they tried all sorts of topical creams for his rubbery skin condition to no avail. It turned out that they never knew the baby had been switched with the troll for the longest time, but if you would see the father's side of the family, you would understand why."

Storm Mayhem said, "Killing a vampire is way so much harder. Trolls aren't that much. They are like fighting the boogeyman."

Olaf said, "Oh really? How many trolls have you killed?"

Mayhem said, "We don't have any of them around here. The vampires and werewolves killed them all because they are so wimpy."

O'Taku scowled at Mayhem. "No they didn't. That be pure crap."

The Viscount said, "Trolls and vampires are both super strong and can regenerate very fast. The problem with a vampire is that they are extraordinarily devious. And Boogeymen are not a race; they are a goblin career choice."

The grizzled old general said, "Listen to the lad, he speaks with such big words. Probably demonically influenced by blasphemous books. But can he fight?!"

The Viscount said, "No, I never said I could fight. That's what you're here for, gramps. And maybe you should try reading a book once."

"Nay!" Cornfoot said, "They are the work of the devil! Ideas on paper?! Never!"

The Viscount said, "Then you besmirch the name of the Bible, which is a book."

Daggers were shooting out of the eyes of Lord Cornfoot toward the young Viscount. "He be possessed, I say."

"Really?" Graffy said, "How did your Lord Cornfoot's accusations against my mother work out for you? I doubt if he wants you to start any crap with us again."

Lady Jayne said, "That's all in the past now. We are all on the same side now. Let's continue around the table, shall we?"

"I'm O'Taku, the Constable here in Stroganoff. I'm too busy fighting petty crime, murders, food riots, monsters, wars, and sitting in stupid meetings to have any hobbies."

"My name is Tanaka. I am Samurai of the Bushido Code. And this is Aizawa, leader of our clan. We are. . . kotoba wakaranai. Boku wa totemo wasureppoi." Tanaka became frustrated with speaking the common tongue and started using his native language.

The grizzled old general was asleep, so they passed him.

The Viscount pointed at the general and said, "That old geezer was just talking. Unbelievable."

"Alright," Jayne said, "Let's talk vampires, shall we?"

Storm Mayhem said, "There's a lot of misinformation about vampires out there, so I'll see if I can clear up some of the myths. First, everyone thinks that vampires will not bite you on a Sunday."

"I never heard of anyone thinking that," Constable O'Taku said.

The Viscount said, "Who believes that? Your mama?"

"Okay," Mayhem said, "That's good then that you are not ignorant about that. Another thing people think is that if you are this super spiritual Paladin knight or cleric, that a vampire cannot or will not attack you."

"No way," the Viscount said. "I never heard of that."

Jayne said, "I know from first-hand experience that vampires have no power over a truly spiritual person."

The vampire slayer responded, "You must not have ever encountered a real vampire then."

Jayne said, "The one I saw this week said he was a vampire, and he had vampire fangs. And he killed an assassin in my chamber, and I drove him away with the name of Jesus while I was holding the leg of a chair."

The men around the table just started laughing.

Olaf said, "We're not here to just to listen to your fairy tales of made up fantasy. This is real life, you know; not a heathen book of fictional lies."

Jayne said, "Vampires are a demonic curse that comes from the malevolent forces of darkness. There is a spiritual war going on that has been raging on since creation that is more real than the temporal world you we can see. God created Satan and the angels. Satan and a third of the angels, who became the demons, are in rebellion against God. Satan knows that in the end, he will end up in the pit of fire with the demons, and those who choose not to accept Jesus. Satan has no power against God, so Satan can only hurt God by taking as many people as he can with him."

Storm Mayhem pointed to himself and said, "Everyone look at me and listen to me very closely. I'm the expert here. I'm telling you that kind of thinking will only get you killed. What you need is either a certified vampire slayer, or an ordained Priest with a crucifix; a silver one is best. You women could kill a vampire that way if you would stop cowering in fear. As for us men, we will drive a stake into their hearts. We are more results oriented."

Tanaka asked Mayhem, "What about silver-tipped arrows?"

Mayhem said, "That should work. I use silver crossbow bolts."

"I shall fashion some silver arrows," Tanaka said.

Jayne Doux said, "You believe in Priestcraft, expensive weapons and strange fetishes, but not in God almighty? You are the ones who lack understanding because you believe in Satan's lies."

"No," Olaf said, "You think you know so much, but you are just a woman. You must sever the vampire's head to destroy it! No woman can do such a thing."

Sven said, "Not even Brunhilda Magnasson!"

"Aye," Olaf said, "And you are no Brunhilda Magnasson."

Storm said, "Or at least drive a wooden stake into the heart."

The rest of the group agreed with the men.

O'Taku said to Jayne, "You should let us men figure out what to do."

Jayne said, "I can see that this group cannot endure sound doctrine, so I guess we must rely upon your extreme physical violence. Sadly, some of us in this room, and many others may not survive this dreadful scourge."

Olaf said, "You know what? If you want to fight in such a way so badly, then go do it. We will do things our way."
Chapter 24

The meeting continued in the great hall.

Constable O'Taku said, "If the Countess has actually spoken with some vampires, we should get as much information from her as possible."

Jayne said, "She cannot be disturbed right now."

O'Taku said, "I don't see how whatever she is doing can be so important."

Jayne said, "Let's get back to that later. So with as much description as possible, what is the root cause problem we are facing in Stroganoff right now?"

"Enough of this dilly-dallying," the Constable said. We need to set up night patrols of about a half-dozen men each to catch vampires. Lekrak; can you lead a patrol with some of your men?"

"No problem."

Otaku said, "What about you Olaf? Can you and Sven each lead a patrol?"

They both nodded.

Tanaka said, "We can lead two patrols as well."

Then O'Taku said, "I'll be out there helping watch the inner walls. General . . . General!"

The grizzled old general finally woke up.

"Can you commit some of Cornfoot's Guardsmen to help fortify the outer walls?"

"Aye."

Viscount Graf said, "Make sure they stay awake."

The general sneered back.

O'Taku said, "Mayhem, we'll hold you in reserve near the keep."

Storm said, "With my skill and know-how, I should be where the action is."

"Fine," O'Taku said, "Fine, you go wherever the action is. Just make sure each team has what they need to kill a vampire if they see one. Anyone else got any ideas?"

Storm Mayhem said, "Take along a handful of beans with you. If they chase you, you can drop them on the ground and the obsessive compulsive vampire will feel compelled to stop and count the beans. Make sure you have plenty of wolfsbane, garlic, and MSG on you. That will help repel them if you see a werewolf or vampire."

The Viscount said, "I thought we were trying to kill them, not keep them away, or run from them."

There was a long pause at the table.

"Anything else?" O'Taku asked.

No one said anything.

"Fine. Tonight at midnight, Lekrak, Tanaka, and Aizawa patrol around the inside of the outer wall. Sven, and Olaf, can you lead patrols around the inside of the inner wall?"

They pounded their chests and gave a salute.

"Then it is set," O'Taku said. "Tonight we will fight vampires at dusk."

The men gave a testosterone-generated growl in agreement.

*******

It was an exceptionally dark and cloudy night. The streets were void of the hustle and bustle of foot traffic that still took place right up until nightfall. All of the men on patrol knew that the vampires were in their own element; the element of shadowy gloom of murky morose sinister darkness. It was darker than a hundred rectums in a closet that the door had not been open for over a year. It was so dark that normal darkness would be terrified if it could be in it, but it couldn't; on account that it was really dark.

Sven lit a torch and was quietly humming a Viking tune to himself as his squad of a half-dozen men looked around during their patrol along the inside of the inner wall.

Sven asked Ulf, "Where's Kjevin?"

Ulf shrugged his shoulders. He said, "I guess he had to pee or something."

Sven said, "We better go back and find him."

The squad went back and gathered around Kjevin, who was lying on the cobblestones, ghastly pale as a ghoulish ghost because his lifeblood had been totally drained. His eyes were staring into space with his mouth agape. But there could be no screams, on account of him being dead as dead can be.

Ulf fretfully told Sven, "We might as well forget about continuing tonight, right? That vampire is no longer hungry."

"Nay," Sven said. "We are Vikings. We will continue our patrol, lest there be more vampires lurking about. This time, do your proper surveillance. Maybe that dull, bigheaded vampire slayer was right about one thing, maybe hunting a vampire is a lot worse than hunting a troll."

*******

Aizawa was leading his heavily armored squad of Samurai around the inside perimeter of the outer wall. They were all huddled around the torchbearer and walking slowly. Two Samurai in the back of the formation shouted and then dropped as the back of their helmets were lifted and they were knifed in the back of the neck. The others heard the commotion and one of them quickly turned and with a mighty reactive blow, severing the head of Benito Spagnolo from the rest of his body, which both disappeared into black dust in the black of the night. Two more Samurai warriors charged into Francisco Spagnolo who used his vampire quickness to evade the attack. The remaining Samurai quickly returned to formation around Aizawa, the torchbearer. Francisco appeared from the darkness and buried his blade into the eye socket of another Samurai, but the Bushido warrior standing next to the victim of the gruesome attack ran him through with his blade, and then used a downward cutting motion, tearing through Francisco's body.

Francisco groaned under the massive injury, but still swung and plunged his dagger into the mouth slot of the warrior's protective mask. The Samurai went down leaving the blade skewered within Francisco's abdomen. Francisco squarely faced Aizawa the torchbearer and another warrior, who had to take a moment to observe the impossibly gruesome sight. Francisco could barely move and had trouble saying, "I'll make . . . you . . . a deal. Leave . . . and you can live."

The Samurai warriors looked at each other, not understanding the words. But they would have never have backed down from a situation where there were two Samurai facing a single vampire with such a massive injury. Aizawa charged the weakened vampire and swung with a massive overhead swing meant to decapitate. But Francisco quickly pulled the bloody sword from his opened gut by the handle and parried the blow. The other Samurai lunged at Francisco with his sword which was also parried. Both of the Samurai were walking toward the master swordsman vampire while attacking with great speed, but massive wounds notwithstanding, Francisco put a significant cut on the Aizawa's sword arm and he dropped the torch. Suddenly the light was gone as Francisco grabbed Aizawa's arm and threw him into the air a distance from the remaining Samurai. The lone warrior could not see as Francisco delivered multiple mortal wounds to him with the confiscated Samurai sword. Aizawa refused to flee the scene and Francisco summarily killed the helpless blindly fighting leader, which amounted to an execution. Francisco held his gaping abdominal wound together and limped toward Benito's last known location. Francisco looked over Benito's powdery remains and said, "This is entirely my fault, Benito. I underestimated our foe. It is all my fault, Benito."
Chapter 25

The next day the sun went down and it was a dark and eerily regular night.

Sometimes Mortimer Hurley was hungry at night and searched through the town's garbage to look for a morsel to eat.

Mortimer was a beggar. He was not physically fit enough to do any work. As a child he was run over by a rich Lord's carriage who realized that they had run over the small child, but never bothered to stop and help him. So Mortimer had a lot of trouble walking his entire life. Things continually got worse for Mortimer as he was routinely beaten by many who hated him for begging. His health steadily got worse from the beatings. The more he was disabled, the more beatings he got, even though he would tell those who passed by, "bless you."

As was typically the case, Mortimer did not receive a single donation during the day, nor a single kind word. So Mortimer knew the nighttime dangers, but he had to venture out in the vampire infested streets at night with a single stump of a discarded candle in hand, in order to survive. Mortimer heard some movement. It was some rats who had found the carcass of a quail that a family had thrown out. He shooed the rats away and scoured the bones for a morsel or two.

Such a find, he thought! Many peasants in those days could spend an entire lifetime and never have their first taste of meat or fowl, only greens and maybe a fish on occasion. Suddenly, Mortimer felt intense pain in his side. He collapsed to the ground holding his side with both hands. He realized that he was attacked by a weapon. It was a crossbow bolt. "Help me! Please help me!" he cried.

"You got him, Sir!" the young peasant boy said to Storm Mayhem as they ran toward Mortimer.

Mayhem said, "Let me handle your torch, lad, while you stake him."

"Help me," Mortimer pleaded.

The young lad said, "We are going to help you go to Hell, vampire."

Mortimer said, "No! I'm not a vampire!"

"They always say that," Mayhem said.

The young lad pulled a wooden stake out of his belt and a wooden mallet and positioned it on Mortimer's chest.

"That looks good, lad," Mayhem said. "Now finish it."

"No! Mortimer said, "I'm not . . ."

THUNK! With a single blow, the stake penetrated Mortimer's chest. Mortimer's eyes were wide open and he quickly perished.

Mayhem's young helper said, "Sir, now we will be famous and wealthy. That's five ducats apiece, right?"

"Not exactly," Storm said. "After all, I am the expert here."

The young lad said, "Wait a minute." He pulled up Mortimer's upper lip and said, "It turns out that his man has no fangs. He's no vampire." The young lad turned to look at Mayhem. He said, "You shot a man, not a vampire!"

Mayhem said, "I'm afraid you are the one who killed him. You had to be in a big hurry to drive the stake into his heart. That makes you the murderer in the eyes of the law. If I were you, I would never speak of this, unless you want to swing by the neck in the gallows."

"But you. . ."

Mayhem put his free hand on his own neck and made a choking sound. Then he said, "Your mother will be very disappointed when she sees you swinging on the gallows in the clock tower square with your broken, neck for all to see."

"Please, sir. Never speak of this," the boy said, with tears streaming down his face.

"Okay, but you will be forever in my debt, young murderer. Now pull that bolt out of him and hand it to me."

"Aye, sir." The young man worked at removing the deeply embedded bolt and started sobbing.

"Hurry then, so we can get out of here."

*******

The next morning the vampire hunting team leadership met again in the great hall. Everyone sat in the same place as the previous day. The chair that Aizawa had sat in the day before was conspicuously empty.

Jayne said, "From the looks on your faces, you all had a rough night last night."

The Constable rolled his eyes and said, "Rough? We lost an entire squad of Samurai, but they did kill a vampire."

Constable O'Taku said, "History will record that the Samurai were heroes in a great victory. Sven, you lost a man?"

Sven nodded. "Aye, Kjevin. It was a vampire who killed him."

The Constable said, "None of the rest of you lost anyone, nor saw a vampire, is that correct?"

Everyone nodded solemnly.

O'Taku said, "We have to face the facts. We will probably continue to lose men at this rate in order to wipe out the vampires. It has also come to my attention that there was a case of mistaken identity. Someone killed Mortimer Hurley the wretched beggar, thinking he was a vampire." O'Taku looked straight at Storm Mayhem and asked, "You know anything about that?"

"Yes," he said.

Mayhem had gotten the attention of all of the men around the table. He slowly said in his deep voice, "I know that I didn't kill him."

O'Taku said, "I have heard around town before that there has been some sloppiness about who is getting shot by your crossbow." He pointed his finger at Mayhem and said, "Hear me now. I swear that if you so much as harm an innocent peasant, you will be drawn and quartered."

Drawing and quartering was the medieval practice of tying the victim to four horses, one on each arm and leg, then having the horses pull the victim until their body is torn asunder into four quarters. The quarters of the body were paraded about to let the populace know what happens to someone who does whatever it was that they did to deserve it.

Mayhem said, "Spare me the gratitude. I have never killed an innocent person with my famous crossbow, so there is no way for anyone to prove otherwise. It's time to move on from this. He was only a beggar anyway. Maybe you should worry less about some meaningless collateral damage and more about being the Constable of the most unsafe town in the Kingdom."

O'Taku got up out of his seat and looked at Mayhem as if he wanted to attack him.

Lady Jayne said, "Gentlemen, fighting amongst ourselves is not going to solve anything. You are all tired and desperately in need of some rest. So let's meet back here again tonight."

Chapter 26

That evening the Count finally walked into the great hall while whistling a cheerful song. His hair was crazier than usual. He looked at the leaders and said, "Whoa! Why does everyone have such a sour disposition this evening?"

Constable O'Taku said with malice, "You had to be here."

The Count said, "A couple of things; first, I was not here because I was busy. The other thing is, everything is running well, all our businesses are making lots of money again. The world is a happy happy place again."

The Constable said, "I thought we were supposed to get rid of the creatures of the night. Now you want them to just take over at sundown every night?"

"What's the big deal?" the Count said. "Stay inside at night and be happy. That's what I do. People idiotically go out and they get their blood sucked out, that kind of behavior only encourages the vampires."

The Constable said, "Vampires have been roaming freely within this very castle! You are not making any sense!"

Tanaka said, "This moment is the only moment that exists. This is our greatest challenge. It will define us remaining Samurai for all time. "

Olaf said, "I feel you, Tanaka. We will spend eternity in the Halls of Valhalla as heroes, because we engaged in a glorious battle against the vampires. We will never back away from them."

O'Taku said, "I need to talk to the Countess about her meetings she had with the vampires and see what she can tell us."

"She's been proven innocent, so let's not go over that again," the Count said.

"I know she's innocent," Constable O'Taku said, "You forget already? I was there and testified for her at her trial. I want to find out as much as possible about these beasts so maybe we can catch them during their down time. Everyone else, let's stick to the same plan. Unfortunately, we have one less team tonight and we know there is at least one more vampire out there."

Jayne said, "I think you should all be praying about it."

Storm Mayhem said, "That's the Priest's job."

"It can't hurt." The Count said, "It doesn't cost anything, but God will listen to Jayne's churchianity friends better than us. So why don't you just get all of them to pray about it."

"I'm sure they already are," Jayne said, "I'm talking about you."

The Count said, "Not everyone believes the way you do. And I don't want to offend anyone."

Olaf said, "I have told the woman before, and I'll tell her again, leave the battle plans up to the men."

Jayne said, "May God have mercy on your souls."

*******

Soon after dark, the vampire nest had a meeting near the clock tower.

Rufus Merriweather said, "Francisco, I see you're still around. We were starting to wonder. Where's Benito?"

Francisco said, "They got him."

"What?!" Rufus said.

"Yes," Francisco said, "Last night some foreign armored swordsmen with magic swords took his head."

"No!" Rayne Hellspawn said. "How could this happen?!"

Francisco opened his long cloak and revealed the Samurai sword in its scabbard. He drew it for the others to see. "I confiscated one of these. It is a magnificent weapon. It is engraved with elegant script. The sharpest blade in the world, I'm sure. It is most certainly some sort of magic blade. I will use it to kill the other humans in retribution for Benito."

Heinrich Malankoff said, "They come and hunt for us, so we should kill so many of them that they will leave us alone."

Doctor Saveli Zernebog said, "That won't work. They will never give up, and you are wasting a perfectly good food supply."

Rayne said, "You grow softer by the day, Doctor."

"Only smarter, compared to you," Zernebog said. "There is no need for any more of us to die."

Francisco said, "Are you saying my brother died as a fool?"

"No," Zernebog said. "We had no idea they were going to come after us like they have been. Now we need to be smarter about our hunting methods. The last thing we want with them is open warfare."

Rayne said, "I'm with Heinrich. At least he's not a coward! I say we find them and wipe them all out!"

"Wow, that will teach them," Zernebog said. "Not smart. Not good management of our food supply. You will scare off all our prey and turn this place into a ghost town."

Rayne looked at Francisco and asked, "What do you say?"

"In principle, I agree with the Doctor. However, I have a compelling need for bloodlust that must be satisfied."

Rufus told Francisco, "I thought I taught you better than that. There's a difference between bravery and being foolhardy. I have a bad feeling about this one and I'll sit it out."

"Let's go then," Rayne said. "Cowards are of no use to us."

*******

It was very quiet. After a long enough period of time elapses, the boredom takes over no matter how great the threat. The guard was one of many manning the west outer wall. He never knew what hit him when the stealthy vampire used the Samurai sword to decapitate him. Then Francisco, Rayne and Heinrich charged along the top of the wall, much quicker, much quieter, and far more deadly than a normal human invasion. Each unsuspecting Stroganoff guard that they came upon was no challenge to them. Eventually, after a dozen of their men had been slaughtered, the remaining men garrisoning the wall became aware of the attack. They sounded the alarm bell. The Bleu Knight's patrol was nearby and came to the scene.

"Look!" the Bleu Knight said, "up on the wall! Archers fire!"

The half-dozen archers with him began shooting arrows up on the wall at little effect. Rayne was hit by an arrow. She pulled it out and did her signature banshee scream, scattering the archers.

*******

Doctor Zernebog was on the other side of town when he heard the scream. He shook his head at Rayne's signature un-vampire-like behavior. The whole theme of her "Hellspawn" name and her antics seemed so over the top. Her audacious influence on the other vampires was also disturbing. He was indifferent toward her survival, but was grateful that she and the others were providing such a splendid distraction. It seemed like no one was around the middle section of town. It was the same situation as he skulked into the castle keep. Now was the best chance he would ever have to get at the Countess. He was not sure where she was, but he certainly did not want to go into the tower again and face that chair leg wielding deplorable female. He walked along the dimly lit halls of the keep, looking for clues as to her whereabouts. He could hear voices and commotion down the hall. A few soldiers ran right by him as he kept his head down. Finally, he chose a fancy door that looked like it could be the quarters of someone very important. He checked to see if it was locked, and it opened. He slowly opened the door and saw the boy in his bed in a large room filled with modern science gadgetry, such as a globe depicting the world as being round. Those were the kinds of things that the Church Universal would not be happy with if they saw it.

The boy sat up. "What? Who is it?"

Zernebog said quietly, "I am here to escort you out of the castle. You must flee to safety."

"Why?"

"There's no time for that, we must leave at once."

"Let me get my clothes."

"Please hurry," Zernebog urged.
Chapter 27

Upon Constable O'Taku's arrival at the scene, one of the Stroganoff Guards told him, "Vampires have killed at least twenty of our men! We have them surrounded atop the wall! What do we do, sir?!"

O'Taku said, "Bring the ballista! We'll fire a four foot long stake at them from the ground that will go through them and knock them off of the wall!"

The Guardsman told the Constable, "That thing broke over a year ago so we got rid of it."

"Curses! If we get near them we will lose more men! We must not let them get away!"

Rayne Hellspawn screeched another eardrum busting scream. Eventually Tanaka's patrol also made its way to the scene of the standoff.

Atop the wall, Rayne said to Francisco Spagnolo, "Behold, among the throng of soldiers amassing down there, are those not the warriors who wield the magic blades?"

"Indeed they are," Francisco said. "Now I will use one of their own weapons against them. I will do it for Benito."

Rayne said, "I must own such a weapon. With the magic swords, we will become invincible in war against any mortal men."

"Then let us go down and you can take one as I did," Francisco said, drawing his Samurai Sword.

The large vampire, Heinrich said, "There are a lot of them down there, but there are a lot of them everywhere, so, I guess it is now or never."

"Enough talk." Rayne leaped off of the top of the wall and glided down to the ground and the other two vampires followed. All of the troops in the area started running away, except for the six remaining Samurai who stood fast ready to engage the charging undead. Tanaka aimed his longbow ahead of the fast moving Rayne Hellspawn and loosed a silver-tipped arrow hitting her directly in the heart. She slowed to a stop when she hit the ground and Tanaka fired another arrow that went to her heart through her back. She went down while the other two vampires continued the charge.

Constable O'Taku said, "Charge them you fools! Kill them now!" But none of his men would get any closer to the vampires, so he joined the Samurai attack on his own. His men still refused to follow.

Francisco was taking on two of the Samurais. With his great strength and speed with the sword, he managed to start breaking apart their plate mail armor and wounding them with deep slashes.

Heinrich used his knives against two more of them. He made a powerful stab on one of them that abnormally forced its way between plates of armor, killing him instantly.

Tanaka went around the skirmish and approached Rayne with his short sword overhead. She was down on one knee. Her eyes seemed to glow red with hatred in the night as the customized silver arrows burned in her heart. She had no capability of defending herself or removing the burning anti-vampire arrows. Tanaka swung the sword with a mighty death blow that severed her head. Her remains quickly turned to a black dust.

Heinrich stopped the sword of another Samurai by using his great size and strength to grab his arm. Then he buried his blade fully into him, pushing so hard that he knocked the Samurai over and landed upon him. But the mortally wounded Samurai used his other hand to deliver a blow into Heinrich's back with his double-edged dagger, which he then raked it across of the Heinrich's rib cage, doing as much damage as he could physically deliver while being mortally wounded.

Francisco ran another warrior through. Then he was one-on-one with Tanaka, who moved fluidly with spin moves and lunges to deliver a flurry of unpredictable attacks that caused Francisco to step backwards. He saw the numerous men charging and moved faster to back away.

Meanwhile, Heinrich who was seriously wounded was pulling himself off of the dead warrior when he was suddenly and unexpectedly stabbed in the back repeatedly by O'Taku. Heinrich screamed in his deep voice, "Help!" Francisco backed away from Tanaka and moved closer to O'Taku. The Stroganoff Guards saw the momentum in the skirmish was favorable and they mustered the courage to charge.

Francisco quickly grabbed Heinrich and pulled him back. They were backed up against the wall. At least there they could not be attacked in the back.

The Constable said, "We have them now, men! We will end this scourge tonight!"

They heard a man's voice from atop the wall say, "Can't we all just get along?" It was Zernebog, holding the Viscount over the edge of the wall with one hand by the back of his coat.

"Help!" Viscount Graf the Fifth shouted as he looked down the thirty feet to the standoff below.

The Constable said, "Put him down! I mean, release him! No wait! Freeze, vampire!"

Doctor Zernebog said, "On behalf of the vampire community, I'd like to apologize for my fellow vampire's behavior. Even though this young boy would be a tasty meal for me, I am willing to let him go if you will be so gracious as to let these poor misguided creatures go. After all, you have defeated them soundly. Now you must let the fools go and we can go back to business as usual."

The men were shouting "No! They must die!"

But the Constable was mindful of the Viscount's life and said, "We will make this bargain with you, devil, but I swear that if you stay in Stroganoff, you shall surely die, or whatever it is that happens to an undead beast with no soul!"

"Conversely," Zernebog Countered, "If this exchange does not go well, I promise that I'll be back with even more vicious vampires. Just sayin'."

"Agreed." Constable O'Taku said over the vociferous objections of his men.

Tanaka, the lone surviving ronin Samurai in Stroganoff, had his bow trained upon Zernebog waiting for an opportunity to deliver another silver arrow.

Francisco Spagnolo aided Heinrich Malankoff as they scaled up the wall. Men were shouting insults and curses at the malevolent fiends as they were getting away in their point of greatest weakness. When Spagnolo and Malankoff got to the top of the wall, Zernebog motioned for Heinrich to get a head start before he released his hostage.

WHOOSH! All of a sudden a projectile flew up at Zernebog. It just missed hitting the Viscount in the face, and hit Zernebog in the shoulder. Zernebog dropped the Viscount over the wall downward toward the men.

"Aiiiiii!" the Viscount screamed as he plunged thirty feet downward. The Constable ran toward the Viscount but he was just short of stopping his fall. Fortunately, Kyle the Fancy Lad was there to break the fall of the young noble. The Viscount landed on top of Kyle. They were both down and neither one of them was moving.

The Constable said to them, "Are you boys all right?!"

Kyle said, "Sonofa . . . I never thought it would hurt that much. My damn leg is killing me."

The Viscount did not look as good. He landed in a twisted position. But being young and vibrant, he said, "Ow."

The Constable arose and said, "Who the hell shot that arrow?! Tanaka?!"

"No, O'Taku-san, I did not."

Storm Mayhem stepped forward and said, "I'll take the credit for that one. I almost took him out."

The Constable said, "You idiot! You almost killed the Viscount! You know what this means?"

"That I am a totally awesome shot?"

"No! It means that you are even less trustworthy than a vampire! Everything was going fine until you pulled the same idiotic thing that you always do, you trigger-happy moron!"

Mayhem said, "Rule number one, simpleton! You never make deals with a vampire, which is what you did! You should be relieved of your command!"

"What?! I see why they call you 'Mayhem' now! Because you cause it wherever you go! I ought to . . . I want you out of here! You're fired!"

Mayhem said, "Really?! You need to rethink your self-importance here, O'Jacko. The last time I checked, you're not the boss of me! Let's ask the Count who should be fired; me or the softie-puff Constable?!"

Eventually everyone looked up from the squabble, and of course the trio of vampires was gone.
Chapter 28

The next day in the great hall in Castle Stroganoff, the Count sat in the ornate seat of power, with his beloved Countess Irene seated in the marginally less ornate seat next to him on his left. The Lady in Waiting, Jayne Doux was standing behind her. The room was full of other interested witnesses and the Count's usual groupies.

The Count said, "All right, the purpose of this hearing is to get to the facts about what happened last night with the Viscount. Constable, what happened?"

The Constable said, "The Viscount was led out of the Castle by a person who said he was here to help, and it turns out that he was a vampire. The vampire used the Viscount as a bargaining chip in a negotiation to free other vampires who we were about to slaughter. The vampire who abducted the Viscount under false pretenses said that if we did not allow them to escape that he would bring back even worse vampires to Stroganoff. Then Storm Mayhem fired a shot at the vampire, almost killing the Viscount, and caused the vampire to drop him off of the wall."

The Count said, "You realize how bad all of that sounds?"

O'Taku said, "Now that I have said it, I agree that it doesn't sound all that great. But we will learn from our mistakes and move on."

The Count said, "What about you, Mayhem, what do you have to say about it?"

Mayhem said, "We were in a desperate battle against the vampires. I knew that we would have to use every advantage possible to defeat them. We did, as a team, manage to kill one of them. We could have killed two more and maybe sent the rest of them fleeing in fear if there are any, but the Constable thought it would be better just to talk it over with them. As a vampire hunting expert, I can assure you that you can never believe anything they say, and that vampire couldn't wait to kill the Viscount, if I hadn't stopped him. But I don't want to take all of the credit for saving the Viscount. Some of the others helped some as well."

The Countess said, "Thank you so much, Mr. Mayhem, for saving our son."

"Just doing my job, m'lady. I know most of these other men would have done the same, if they possessed my abilities."

The Count asked Storm, "What did you think about the Constable's overall performance last night?'

"First of all, he had no command over his men. None of them followed him into the fight. I have to give him some credit for fighting without them, but a real leader does not have to do it all by himself. Time and time again, vampires have freely walked the halls of this castle. What kind of protection to your family is that? I know you all practically worship me, but I am only one man, you know. The Von Stroganoff Family deserves much better, I think. Another troubling thing, obviously, is that O'Taku failed to grasp victory when it was right in front of him. It was almost like; the vampires were paying him to do a bad job."

"What?!" O'Taku said, "That's outrageous! Count! You know me better than that!"

The Count said to O'Taku, "I know that you threatened to quit your job when we needed you the most. I know money is very important to you." Then he asked Mayhem, "Anything else?"

The Constable interrupted, "Hey! Why don't you ask me what I think of him?!"

Mayhem said, "See the way he keeps interrupting us? I think he has something to hide. I'm not going to say I know for sure, but it sure seems very suspicious. It might be prudent to let him go before he causes any more problems."

The Count said, "Constable, do you have anything you are hiding at the moment?"

"No, nothing; including my contempt for this ridiculous inquiry."

Everyone gasped at the Constable's audacious remark.

Irene leaned over and whispered into the Count's ear with her hand concealing her mouth, "Graf, he wouldn't tell you if he was hiding something, because that would give it away." Then she licked his ear and nibbled on it a little.

The Count raised his eyebrow as he glanced at Irene for a moment. He told the attendees, "I want to wrap this up pretty soon." So he turned and asked Mayhem, "In your professional opinion, do you think those vampires will be back?"

Mayhem said, "No, I think they are afraid of my power. They know that as long as I am on the job in Stroganoff, the availability of the blood of people from other towns will look a lot more attractive to them. I don't know why the Constable is so negative. Instead of bickering, he should be happy that we got rid of the vampires. Seriously, is he jealous or what?"

The Count said, "Since there are no longer any vampires here, it is only fair that I offer you a retainer salary, Mr. Mayhem, since we want the vampires to stay away. We can work out the details after this meeting. And for you, Constable, let me say that I am putting you on notice that your performance has been atrocious, and you may be subject to further disciplinary action if things do not improve."

Constable O'Taku tried to speak, but the Count said, "Constable, we are not interested in excuses, only results. This hearing is adjourned."

Kyle asked the Count, "Are we going to have another party?"

"I don't think so. Everyone is still a little sick from Cornfoot's bad fermented brew."

*******

That night, Vito and his wife Estella were walking home from the tavern. They were your average couple. There was nothing out of the ordinary about them. If there was background music playing while they were walking, it would sound more like the theme to Barney, instead of Jaws.

Vito said, "It is really great that the vampires are all gone now. It makes life a whole lot simpler."

"It sure does," Estella said. I was just thinking the same thing, how wonderful things are now that we don't have a care in the world, and how unlikely it is that anything would happen to us while we are just randomly walking along all happy and carefree."

"Yes, I agree," Vito said.

Vito's head was almost decapitated as he werewolf lunged at him while swiping at him with its claws. Estella passed out from the shock, and that was the last thing she ever knew in her life as she was helpless against the ravenous werewolves.
Chapter 29

At their morning meeting in the great hall, the Constable said, "Unfortunately we had a double homicide last night clearly linked to creatures of the night."

"Unacceptable." the Count said, "Stroganoff is starting to become the joke of the realm. They say that Stroganoff is so unsafe at night that you should shoot the first person you see with a crossbow. That is an indictment against you, Constable and your lack of law enforcement."

"What?!" the Constable said. "They are jesting because of that buffoon vampire slayer, not me!"

Storm Mayhem shrugged his shoulders and looked around at everyone. "I don't see how."

The Count said, "Stop trying to deflect criticism on everyone else. Everyone in this room has given you all of the support we can, and yet these things continue to happen. Why is that?"

The Constable said, "People have to realize that we still have a werewolf problem here and it is still very dangerous to be out at night. Also, you need to realize that I am not the werewolf who is going around and killing people."

Storm Mayhem said to the Count, "Why would he even say that? I mean, no one here accused him of being a werewolf, right? So, now he is blaming the people? Not real clear here."

Everyone stared at the Constable.

The Count said, "I think I've heard enough. Just to be on the safe side, I want Constable O'Taku put in the dungeon."

"What?! The safe side of what?! I can't believe it!"

Storm Mayhem said, "Normally, I operate only as a specialist, but I'm a team player and willing to wear extra hats as the need arises. So, if you want me to be your new Constable, I am up for the job."

Jayne Doux looked upon Mayhem with a frown and said, "Count, you mustn't entertain such an idea."

The Count stroked his beard and stared at the table. Then he nodded.

"Guards!" Mayhem ordered, "Take this man to the dungeon!"

Two guards standing at the outside of the doorway to the hall came and took O'Taku from his seat and out of the room.

O'Taku shouted on his way out, "This is madness!"

*******

After spending the day in the hay loft of an old abandoned barn a few miles outside of Stroganoff, Doctor Zernebog told Francisco and Heinrich, "Now do you simpletons understand what I was saying about warring against the humans?!"

Francisco said, "Perhaps we just got caught up in the moment. But it seems wrong that we should always be fleeing such weak humans."

Zernebog said, "Night stalkers like you confound me. You strive against nature. What you fail to understand is that you were meant to harvest human blood in moderation, which ensures your longevity, and the availability of lifeblood. But no; you thought that our departed Rayne was the smart one. Where is she now?"

"She's dust," Heinrich said, looking down.

The vampire Doctor said, "You two know you were both close to joining her, don't you?"

They remained quiet.

Doctor Saveli Zernebog said, "You blokes beat everything. I originally was going to hold the Viscount hostage for a long time. That would have really put a lot of pressure on the House of Stroganoff to bend to our will. I really don't know why I bothered to save you. Rufus would be laughing right now if he knew we were lodging in such opulence last night."

Heinrich Malankoff said, "Are you going to go on and on about it? We owe you one. We get that. Let's just figure out what we are going to do next."

Zernebog said, "Having said what I did about making war on the humans, I still can't get past that idiot hitting me with a crossbow bolt after I made such a clear threat. I feel strongly that I need to make good on my promise to him for revenge now. You know, to maintain some prestige among the humans."

Francisco said, "You told them 'we would be back with even more vicious vampires'."

Heinrich said, "They chose to ignore you. Clearly you owe them one."

"Those humans are impudent fools," Zernebog said. "Now they have left me with no choice other than to make good on that threat. See how you made things go sideways here?"

Heinrich stretched to test the progress of the healing on his wounds. He said, "We have to have some fun, you know."

"Who are these, even worse vampires that will we inflict upon them?" Francisco asked. "Not every vampire wants to be part of an open feud with humans. It is beneath them."

Heinrich said, "What about that guy, Count Choculata, or Fracula or whatever? I forget his name. He could turn milk chocolaty and add 15 vitamins and minerals."

Zernebog said, "I think I know who you mean. I heard somebody say he got turned into chocolate cereal dust."

"Too bad," Heinrich said.

"I know a guy, who knows a guy," Heinrich said. "He can turn the dead into zombies with his halitosis and can control rats with his mind. The only problem is if you can get him to do anything."

"Who is this differently-motivated monster that you have in mind?" Zernebog asked.

"Foetus Interfector," Heinrich said.

Francisco Spagnolo asked, "That's the guy's name?"

"Aye," Heinrich said, "'tis an ancient name. He has been around a very long time. We're talking eons here."

Zernebog said, "We don't know if this guy would even want to come here, or where to find him. Do we?"
Chapter 30

There was a raucous argument at the north gate to the town. Many Stroganoffians in their traditional green and purple garb were arguing with a pack of dirty barbarians. The newly appointed Constable Mayhem and some guardsmen arrived at the scene.

Mayhem said, "What seems to be the problem here?!"

A Stroganoff peasant said, "We aren't going to let these . . . wretched barbarians stay in the Countship, are we?"

"Why not?" Mayhem said.

"Because the real Constable would always tell them to 'move along'! We don't want their kind here!"

Mayhem said, "What's the big deal? They have the right to be here like anyone else. This is a sanctuary city."

"They're filthy barbarians!" a man shouted and the arguing started all over again.

Another man shouted at Storm Mayhem, "Let them move in with you, idiot!"

Mayhem shouted, "All right! That's enough! Any more talk like that and it will be the dungeon! All of this rioting is just a bunch of barbarianophobia! Your old Constable was a racist. I know the Count would want them to stay!"

*******

Later in the day, the Count and his family were having their main meal of the day. Viscount Graf the Fifth had a young boy who was shabbily dressed guest with him at the supper table. The have-not lad clearly was not a Stroganoffian with traditional Stroganoffian garb.

The Viscount said, "This is Maleric. I just met him today."

"Greetings, Maleric," the Countess said.

Maleric slurped his soup loudly and belched even louder.

The Count and Countess were surprised by the mostly voluntary eructation.

The Viscount said, "I guess that is their custom. He's from out of town."

"Oh really," the Countess said, "Where are you from, Maleric?"

"I am Maleric. I am Vandal."

The Count asked the young guest, "So, you are like a vandal from a Vandal tribe, or you are a vandal like someone who does senseless destruction?"

"I am Vandal. My name Maleric!"

The Viscount said, "He's still learning the common tongue."

Countess Irene said to the Viscount, "I think it is admirable that you are reaching out cross-culturally to others and learning to make friends."

The Count said, "Are his parents here?"

Maleric tipped up his soup bowl and swallowed it down. Then he pulled apart a piece of duck from the serving tray with both hands and started ripping it up with his teeth.

The Viscount said, "His parents and his entire tribe are here."

"What?! The Count said, "We permitted a tribe of Vandals into Stroganoff?! Graffy, you need to have some kind of standards when choosing friends! For instance, no Goths, Visigoths, Vandals, Golden Horde, Muscovites or any other such barbarians!"

The Viscount's face turned serious during the Count's tirade.

The Countess said, "It's okay, Graffy." She sneered at the Count. "Maybe if someone treated them better, the Vandals would have more self-esteem. Maybe with a little tolerance Maleric can become just like one of us. Vandals wouldn't be that way if people like your father would give them a decent job."

The Count said, "Give vandals a job? They'll tear everything up!"

The Countess told Graffy, "Why don't you show Maleric how to use his fork and knife?"

The Viscount looked at Maleric's place setting and said, "He doesn't have one. He has no spoon or knife."

All of the other place settings had silver utensils.

The Count said, "They were there! That little thief stole them!"

"Graf!" the Countess said, "We can't accuse him without any proof! What would everyone say to such political incorrectness?!"

Maleric sneezed and mucus intermingled with minced chewed up duck sprayed over the entire table.

"That's it!" the Count said, "I want him out of here!"

Irene said, "Please, he's just a boy. He can't help that he sneezed."

"I don't care! Get him out before I really become angry!"

Maleric saw that he had worn out his welcome and quickly got up to run out the doorway. A silver knife and fork fell out of his pants as he ran toward the doorway. He moved as If he was going to return to pick them up, but then ran for the doorway when he saw a guard watching him. He ran out the entryway.

*******

It was a night chock-full of pandemonium, and a full moon. There were a couple of fires in town of mysterious origin. One blaze did damage to several cottages, but the town was spared when the fire was finally under control by a community bucket brigade from a large cistern to the fire. Another fire was a small one, but a woman was badly burned while trying to extinguish it. The Vandals threw eggs at windows. They knocked down street signs and graffiti was everywhere. Wheels on carriages were stolen. It was thought by many that the Vandal's vandalism, bad as it was, could have been far greater, but it was suspected that werewolves were feasting on Vandals as they brazenly running amok. In fact, there were dead Vandals everywhere, and by morning, the entire remaining Vandal tribe had left Stroganoff.

The next day, Constable Mayhem told the Count that all the perpetrators were caught and would be severely punished; the egg man, paint maker, and the tavern keeper. He attributed the violence to O'Taku's previous bad policing, and that it "may take years to correct".
Chapter 31

O'Taku had thrown many men into the dungeon, but had never spent an hour inside a cell before. It was as dark in the dungeon as any figure of speech previously described, including chapter 16. The damp floor was cold and chilled to the bone. There was no rest, because the moment you would least expected it; a giant foot-long centipede would run across your face and neck. O'Taku thought, If only they would permit enough light so he could hunt and kill the damnable thing.

Between the inconsistent intermittent sleep and no daylight, O'Taku could not tell what time of day it was. And because the porridge slop was always the same, he did not know what meal it was that he was given.

O'Taku threw his tiny bowl of repugnant gruel across his small jail cell which was void of any furniture, and bounced it off of the door. He shouted, "This swill ain't fit for a rat!"

The jailer opened the tiny communication door, letting in a small fraction of a foot-candle of light and said, "Sorry Constable, but that is all we are allowed to serve here since that imbecile, Mayhem took over."

O'Taku said, "You can't keep me here! You know I did nothing wrong! Come now, and let me escape!"

The Dungeon Master said, "You know if I let you escape it would be my head. Instead, how about if I tell you stories where you direct the actions of a single character, and the results of your choices depend upon random twenty-sided die rolls?"

"No!" O'Taku said, but then he was distracted. "Oh look, I was wrong; a rat really does like the gruel." He wondered how such a fat rat could fit through such a small crack in the wall.

O'Taku watched the rat, and then he heard a commotion. A man was screaming as he was brought down the passage way toward him. O'Taku was thinking; Don't bring him in here, don't bring him in here! Do not bring him in here! He heard talking outside of his door. "Dang!" he shouted as he heard the key go into the lock on his door. A scrawny peasant was thrown into the almost totally dark cell by a couple of guards.

The peasant man was shouting, "We're all going to die! You have to listen to me! They will kill us all, I tell you!"

One of the guards shouted, "You would do well to shut your mouth! The more you scream, the longer you will languish here at Mayhem's Holy Day Inn!"

Then both of the guards started laughing as they left.

The peasant was trembling and held his head in both hands.

O'Taku said, "Aren't you afraid that I am a killer?"

The thin man said, "It matters not, for we shall all soon perish."

"Why do you say that?"

"I saw it with my own eyes, that's why."

"Saw what?"

"It makes no difference. We are doomed as doomed can be, and that's no lie."

"Can you at least tell me why you are here?"

"I'm here because I was accused of 'inciting panic'. Of that charge, I plead guilty. Anyone who does not panic at what I saw, is a fool, I tell ye."

O'Taku said, "What did you see?"

"It makes no difference now. We shall all surely die."

"Fine, don't tell me. As far as I know, you looked into a mirror and saw your own wretched reflection."

"Nay, 'twas no such thing!"

"Yeah, 'twas."

"'twasn't."

O'Taku said, "Okay, do not tell me anything about what you saw. I couldn't care less about it, because I'm sure it is as boring as this jail cell."

"Fine, I shall speak of it. I am a land owner near the Hamlet of Cragshire. I was with my thick, contentious wench trying to eke out enough food to survive on land that can barely grow a weed. But we were getting by until last night; a night of terrifying horrors. The moon was full. If you are paying attention, you will realize that we have had a lot of full moons lately. It's an omen, I say. When you are a serf living in Cragshire, you have to be sensitive to omens, if you want to survive. I survive by my wits and cunning."

"Go on, serf!"

"Me name is Zerf. I am indeed a serf; Zerf the serf. But I am actually a serf peasant, not just a mere peasant of the ordinary sort."

"Yes. Yes. I gathered that immediately. Go on."

"Don't be impatient, laddie, I'll get to my point in due time . . . in due time."

O'Taku sighed and slumped down.

"The moon was full."

"You said that already."

"Oh yeah. So I did. Anyway, there was howling of werewolves, and there were rats, so many rats. They ran through the sparsely growing crops and were eating them. The thick wench and I were trying to butcher them, flailing at them with a sickle and scythe. But there were too many of them. In my days I have never seen such a pestilence. But while we were trying to spare what meager harvest we could, we saw the silhouettes in the darkness. The horrifying undead were walking slowly toward us. It be zombies. The zombies were dead villagers who were turned by zombification. We fought the zombies that were near us. While they were terrifying, they were terribly slow. I took the head off of one, but they were too many, and they marched toward us, looking to eat our flesh. Alas, they caught the wench and were eating of her thick flesh. It was not cool. All I could do was to run away, so started to run away. But there was yet another wave of horror that was coming upon me; the horror of vampires. One of the monsters spoke with a deep voice that certainly was spawned from the pit of Hell. He was laughing the gruesome laugh of a demon. I really hate that guy. But that is not all, laddie." Zerf drew closer to O'Taku. " I saw the one that controlled the whole army from Hell. It breathed the breath of evil fake life into those zombies; the fake, not really real kind of life of the undead. The monster I saw with mine own eyes was the visage of a man, yet of sin incarnate."

O'Taku said, "Was it some kind of vampire?"

Zerf said, "Why are you interrupting me? You want to hear this or not?"

"I just . . ."

Zerf continued, "If it be a vampire, it was a super-vampire. His body levitated and his eyes glowed a blood red glow in the dark with evil and hatred. He wore a long cloak that looked black, maybe navy blue. He held his arms up as he conducted his evil minions like an evil malicious maestro would conduct an evil malevolent orchestra playing a concerto of nasty evil. So I ran as fast as I could, trying to escape the wrath of that demonic beast. I ran all the way here as a true Stroganoffian hero, leaving my entire life behind, just to alert the pathetic souls who are in peril here. Was my effort met with appreciation? Noooooo. It was not. No one here will heed my warning. My warning to leave or die. Instead, my selfless act of heroism was met with mockery and incarceration. The hellspawn will come here again at night and kill everyone. I swear every word of my story is true, and that the new Constable is a total scoundrel. My testimony is not just a side story in an amateurish novel about mindless things, I say. Every word be true."
Chapter 32

O'Taku told his cellmate, Zerf, "We must alert the Count! If all of the crops and serfs are killed, all of us important townspeople will face famine!"

"Aye," Zerf said, "it's remarkable that you have such grave concern for us serfs."

"Dungeon Master!" O'Taku shouted. "You must call for the Count!"

The jailer came to the small window in the door and asked flatly as if he were annoyed, "Wot?"

"We are all in grave danger. If you don't go get the Count right now, we shall all surely die."

The jailer rolled his eyes and said, "Oh, that's a new one. I better hurry and get right on that."

"No!" O'Taku said, "You forget I am the Constable."

"You were the Constable."

"Yes, and was I not the one who spared you by not telling that executioner that you were with his under-aged daughter?"

"Shush, now!" The jailer looked both ways. "I didn't know she was his daughter; or that she was under-aged."

O'Taku said, "Was I not the one who vowed silence when the executioner's daughter revealed your undersized manhood?"

"Alright! But you and I both know the Count will not entertain the crazy ideas of a desperate inmate."

O'Taku thought about it. Then he snapped his fingers. "Maybe not, but the Countess will!"

"Oh man!" the jailer said. "You really want me to get the Countess to come down here in this wretched place and ask her to release you? You know how angry the Count will be with me?"

O'Taku said, "I vow that if you don't get her down here, I will speak of your tryst with the daughter of the executioner, even if I have to commit a capital offense just to speak to him. That will both get his full attention and cause many a song to be written about your tiny tiny man parts."

The dungeon master shook his head and left.

"I'm dead serious!" O'Taku shouted with his mouth at the window.

A short while later the Countess Irene Von Stroganoff and Advisor Jayne Doux appeared at the jail cell doorway.

Former Constable O'Taku said, "I am so glad you are here! My cellmate, Zerf the Peasant informs me that we are in grave danger! You must listen to his story! Tell them!"

Zerf said, "Truth be told . . . I am a serf."

"Tell them!"

Zerf said, "There's no point . . ."

O'Taku grabbed Zerf by the collar and slapped him across the face.

"Fine," Zerf said, "I shall speak of it, under duress."

In what seemed like a half hour, with everyone leaning on the wall and continually shifting their body weight from one leg to the other, Zerf had retold his entire tale to the women.

The Countess said, "I don't know . . . it really does kind of sound a little like an amateurish novel."

Jayne said, "Countess, I would never want to cause dissent, but Constable O'Taku should have never been removed from his post, and he definitely should not have been put into the dungeon. Storm Mayhem is a complete disaster, both as a person and as a Constable. He is ineffective as a vampire slayer and all he does is try to hide the horrible conditions he created by his total lack of competence as a law enforcement officer. There, I said it."

"Are you sure?" The Countess asked. "He did rescue Graffy."

"Aye, Jayne said while nodding. "Remember the Vandals and the werewolves? All preventable."

O'Taku held his thumb and forefinger about an inch apart for the jailer to see.

The jailer waved off O'Taku and said, "Aye, my Lady. You must release Mister O'Taku. He is totally innocent up in here, preferably without any further discussion."

O'Taku looked at the jailer and nodded, then gave him thumbs up.

"Release him," the Countess said sternly, then with a smile. "You know, it felt marvelous to say that. It's like I really have a lot of power. But I must speak with the Count. I know he will be angry, but I am sure I can win him over."

*******

Storm Mayhem was sitting and drinking in the tavern with a couple of his army officers when he said, ". . . And from then on, I was known as Storm Mayhem the Vampire Slayer." Then he took a big gulp of his mead.

O'Taku flung the door to the tavern open and said, "Mayhem! I've been looking for your wimpy self!"

"What are you doing out of jail?! Men! Arrest him!"

O'Taku said, "Do so, and you will answer to the Countess!"

"She's just a woman!" Mayhem said.

O'Taku said, "I'll give you that, she is only just a mere woman, but I am here to challenge you to a duel, fool!"

"Okay," Mayhem said as he pulled up his crossbow and fired a bolt that zeroed in on O'Taku.

O'Taku did a Matrix and the bolt just missed going up his nostril. Then he fell backwards. While Storm was trying to reload the crossbow, O'Taku hopped back up and charged at him; driving into him like a berserking madman. Both army officers fell down and O'Taku and the table bowled into Mayhem. Mayhem's large brimmed hat came off, revealing a bald top of his head with a ponytail. Then Mayhem and O'Taku were trading punches to the face and body as they rolled on the floor. Then a couple of other uninvolved patrons felt left out and started punching each other. The fighting continued and O'Taku started getting the better of Mayhem. The uninspired army officers stood by.

Mayhem commanded, "Get him!"

They did nothing. Then one took a swipe at the air in O'Taku's direction and said, "I missed."

O'Taku stood up and kicked Mayhem. "Get up!" he ordered.

But Mayhem stayed down. He said, "You traitorous bastards! I say again; get him, or you'll hang!"

"Ignore that order," an unexpected voice came from the doorway. It was Count Graf the Fourth. He sniffed the air in the tavern and shook his head in disgust. "It seems that I may have been wrong about you two. Mayhem, I'd kick you out of town right here and now, but we need all of the help we can get right now. Constable O'Taku, you think this super-vampire threat is real?"

"Aye, my Lord."

"Then let's get ready for the epic showdown."

Chapter 33

In the great hall at the meeting table, Olaf said, "First, how do we know that this threat is real? This whole thing has come about based upon the word of some lunatic serf in the dungeon. And secondly, who said we Vikings wanted to be involved with it?"

Constable O'Taku said, "We have to take the story seriously because as you recall, the nest of vampires left here with an attitude because someone shot their main man with a crossbow bolt when he was trying to play nice for once."

Storm Mayhem sat silently with two severely blackened eyes and raised his hand accepting the responsibility.

O'Taku said to Olaf, "You wouldn't want to miss a good battle, would you?"

Olaf sighed and said, "You know us too well, Constable."

Tanaka said, "All of my comrades have gone to be with their ancestors. I will stay and continue to fight, to leave the world a better place than the way it is now."

The grizzled old general, representing Lord Cornfoot said, "We are in this to win it. It's do or die."

The Constable said, "Our illustrious Stroganoff guardsmen know that they must stand and fight this time. Rest assured that I will be among them."

The Count said, "As we speak, we are sending out our troops out to muster a militia among all of the serfs and peasants in the County. We have also sent messengers out to gather our allies. Tonight we will expect to engage in battle with the combined forces of darkness, somewhere around the nearby hamlet of Cragshire with the largest army we have ever seen in County Stroganoff. This battle will determine whether or not we will have peace from the constant peril of vampires."

Sir Lekrak, the Blue Knight said, "You know I am always there. I'll see if I can muster more knights in the region."

Jayne Doux said, "We need to keep in mind that we are fighting against spiritual foes. We must use spiritual weapons."

Olaf said, "What is this 'we' crap? I never see you out there fighting, woman?"

Jayne said, "We are all in this together, Viking. Every person's life is on the line. I will continue to say, prayer is the key."

"Fine," the Count said, "You know what? We'll try and bring along a Priest. That way we will have a professional man of God with us."

Jayne said, "It would be better if we all prayed. God doesn't care is we are professionals at prayer. He only cares if we have faith."

Count Graf said, "Not that again. You know, the church could consider that kind of talk blasphemous," After a deep sigh and a long pause, he said. "Fine; everyone pray by yourself right now to whom or whatever mythological things you want to believe in." He waited about five seconds. Then he said, "Okay, satisfied? Now not another word of it."

Constable O'Taku said, "We should come at them from all sides and give no quarter and show them no mercy. So we will issue horns to all groups so they can sound when contact is made in the darkness."

"So be it," the Count said, "We meet here an hour before sundown. Oh, and one other thing, I am promoting Constable O'Taku to the title of Sheriff."

"Thank you my Lord!" O'Taku bowed.

He received the congratulations of everyone at the table, including Storm Mayhem.

*******

Countess Irene knocked on the door to Jayne's chamber in the tower.

"Who is it?" Jayne asked.

"It is I, Countess Irene."

"Please come in."

The Countess found Jayne at her table. Her eyes were moist with tears.

"What's wrong?" Irene asked.

Jayne sniffed and wiped her tears. Then she smiled. "I have been praying. I fear we are courting disaster here at Stroganoff. Your husband has graciously chosen me, a mere chambermaid, to be an advisor to you, yet he will not listen to me when I simply say we need to pray for our fighting men."

Countess Irene said, "You really seem sure that praying will help."

Jayne said, "When there is trouble, we must act if we can, but God has the final say on all things. Why would we not want to plead to him our wants and needs? Please hear me, Countess; one or two souls can do more than an entire army if God is on their side."

Irene said, "Jayne, you stood by me in my time of grievous need, now I shall stand by you. I want to believe in God as you believe."

Jayne smiled and hugged Irene. "God bless you, my Lady. We shall pray together and seek God and His will for you and Stroganoff."
Chapter 34

The diverse allied army assembled in and around the castle. Those among it were bristling with weaponry and brimming with confidence to be a part of such a large force. They were eager to put their weapons to the necks of the malevolent undead scourge that had beleaguered them. Stroganoff Guardsmen who were ordered to stay back and garrison the town walls were actually disappointed they could not march into the darkness upon the vampire army and share in the glorious victory.

As the daylight began to wane, torches were lit. Each group of troops could see torches from the other groups. The total sum of troops numbered in the hundreds.

Sheriff O'Taku and his men marched through a wheat field that was ready for harvest. He looked to his side and said, "What are you doing here?!"

Viscount Graf said, "I am here to fight and learn the ways of war."

"Well, that's a bad idea! You are too young! The Count will be furious!"

"Aye," the Viscount said with a chuckle.

"Please go back," the Sheriff said. "I don't want you here."

Suddenly they heard a scream and shouting coming from their forward elements.

Sheriff O'Taku commanded, "Double-step!" and he ran ahead.

The Viscount, Stroganoff Guardsmen, and peasant irregulars sped up with him. The unit met up with an unexpectedly large group of grotesque misshapen and contorted zombies.

"Sound the alarm!" the Sheriff commanded.

The sound of the horn echoed through the night sky. Soldiers were running the zombies through with swords, but without effect. Zombies were swarming and biting their attackers. Some of the men started to retreat in fear.

The Viscount shouted, "You must chop off their heads!" He stepped on an old dropped sword that he could barely lift, but he picked it up.

The Sheriff said, "There are too many of them! Sound the retreat!" As he ran, he tripped over another boy. He got up and told the lad to run.

Viscount Graf saw the boy and said, "Maleric! Run!"

Then the Sheriff realized, as the Viscount did, that the large, slow moving group of gruesome zombies was formerly the Vandal tribe that was killed by the vampires. But Maleric was too fast and stealthy and had managed to get away from the stalking terror.

The Viscount shouted to the Sheriff, "They're getting by us and heading to Stroganoff! What do we do?!"

"What can we do?" the Sheriff answered.

Maleric said in true vandal fashion, "Burn crops! Burn crops now!"

The Sheriff said, "Not the worst notion. The wind is favorable. Burn the crops! Burn the crops!"

So the torchbearers lit the crops. The fire spread throughout the field as O'Taku's men retreated. The flames lit up the night sky. Out of the screen of smoke and flames they could see many of the zombies were still advancing, even though the clothes were burning off of them and their flesh was smoldering on their skeletons. A large number of big rats came running out of the fire towards O'Taku's men. Many of the men broke rank and ran.

The Sheriff sighed. "Seriously? Men, stand fast and fight!"

The men were muttering among themselves while kicking and jabbing at rats. Then a half-dozen screaming berserker Vikings ran past them toward the zombies. The Vikings held their battle axes high and their shields in front of them as they charged. The Vikings, led by Sven, charged into the zombies and were hacking their heads off, often with a single chop. The Norsemen were in their glory with the zombie head taking. Then the Stroganoff Guardsmen started joining into the fray. The wind shifted for a minute, and the smoke cleared a line of sight into the skirmish. Then when the smoke cleared, there were no Vikings, only Vandal zombies and now, a couple of vampires. Viking and Stroganoff bodies were strewn over the burning wheat field. The vampires were slaughtering militiamen with ease.

"Pull back!" O'Taku shouted. "Sound the retreat!"

As they retreated, vampires managed to catch some of the men. The vampires could have easily caught any of the men they chose to, but did not want to outpace their zombie allies.

The Viscount looked back and saw a vampire feasting on the blood of one of their men. He ran even faster, but even as a boy, refused to be "that guy" and drop his sword.

*******

On the other side of the battle field, the Count led a combined force of peasants, some of Cornfoot's men, and the Blue Knight. A Priest with a large crucifix was also attached to the group. The grizzled old general was thrown from his horse, as his trusty steed became spooked for some suspicious reason. A couple men had to help take the disabled general back to Stroganoff.

Count Graf had heard the horn blown by O'Taku's group, so they were marching toward that location in the night.

"Zombies!" someone shouted. Many other men started repeating it. Archers were firing arrows into the dark, hoping for a miracle. Then the skirmish was on. Cornfoot soldiers were exchanging blows with the methodically advancing zombies.

Then the vampire, Francisco Spagnolo appeared, seemingly out of nowhere. He held his Samurai sword to the Count's neck. "Disperse, humans! Or your leader will die!"

"Never!" the Blue Knight said as he drew his sword. Some of the men moved closer to the vampire.

Spagnolo shook his head and said, "You people never listen." He sliced through the Count Graf Von Stroganoff's neck and threw his lifeless body down on the ground.

The Blue Knight, in full armor, attacked the vampire, as did some swordsmen. Spagnolo moved extremely fast and parried all swords that swung in his direction. He moved with unexpected agility and was taking out one soldier after the next. Then there were no more soldiers willing to help Lekrak. The vampire was unable to penetrate the knight's armor with the Samurai sword, but the sheer force of a powerful two-handed vampire blow knocked the awkward knight with heavy armor off of his feet and onto the ground. Spagnolo then lifted Lekrak's visor and ran the end of the sharp sword into his face. Men were screaming in fear as they saw their group's leadership had been decimated by a single vampire. The demoralized troops were dispersing throughout the Countryside. It was every man for himself. Some were being picked off and consumed by ravenous zombies.

Then the unsightly monster, Foetus Interfector, casually strolled up to Francisco Spagnolo, and said, "Well done. I could almost get excited about this. After I animate their dead into more zombies, we will go to Stroganoff and kill everyone."

Chapter 35

The Viscount and Sheriff and a steady trickle of the retreating soldiers ran through the east gate to get back into the town of Stroganoff.

The Sheriff leaned on the massive doorway and could hardly breathe when he told some guards, "Take care that no vampires enter the town." Then the Sheriff escorted the Viscount to the keep, with Maleric tagging along.

A couple of hours later, after is seemed that no one else wanted in through the gate, the sergeant ordered the gate to be shut.

The vampire Rufus Merriweather had been in Stroganoff the entire time since Zernebog, Spagnolo and Malankoff had fled the town. Rufus had been reaping the benefit of many humans who were in crisis, running to and fro, not being careful about the possibility of another vampire in their midst. But now Rufus was willing to help other vampires and their cause. So he attacked a couple of the guards with a stealthy knife attack while holding his hand over their mouth. Then he used his vampiric strength to open the huge gate, by lifting the cross-beam himself. This feat usually took two mortal men using a nearby pulley.

It coincidentally happened that Storm Mayhem was pondering his future as he reflected on all of the recent events. He was walking the circumference of the outer wall as he saw the two guards laying on the ground and Rufus lifting the beam. Mayhem fired a silver bolt into Rufus's back. The distinctive sound of the bolt hitting the wooden door indicated that the bolt ripped completely through Rufus. Storm knew it was a good shot and readied a second one. But Rufus had managed to get the beam off in spite of the critical hit. Then he pulled backwards, slipping the bolt through his body and leaving it stuck to the gate as he turned around. Storm fired another bolt that cracked Rufus's skull at his forehead, dropping him. Rufus Merriweather quickly dissolved into black dust.

"Yes!" Mayhem said, "Finally, I got one! Hey!" he shouted. "Did anyone see that shot?! I killed a vampire!"

But then Mayhem saw the gate was starting to swing open. He saw an arm reaching around the gate that was not of a natural color. Gray-green skin was hanging off of it. It was the arm of a zombie. Mayhem reacted by running at the door and tried to push it shut. No matter how hard he pushed, he knew that he could never shut it with more and more zombie arms and legs holding it open.

"Help!" Storm screamed. "Help! Zombies! They're getting in!" He tried to keep them from opening the door as long as he could. Their sickening zombie growls and gurgling groans coming from behind the door sent a chill up his spine. "Help!" It seemed like help was never going to come. Certainly by now someone would hear him and know of his situation. "Help!" The door was pushing back against him more and more, and then suddenly it went more shut. He felt some relief at the development until he looked to his side and saw that a zombie was no longer being pinched because the gruesome invader had contorted itself and gotten all the way in, and now was reaching for him. The zombie grabbed a hold of Mayhem's upper arm. Storm tried to break free of the zombie and the gate flung open permitting a mob of hungry zombies to roam inside of Stroganoff's outer wall. The zombies mobbed Mayhem. The gate and the zombies pushed him down to the ground. They were pulling at him and tearing at his flesh with their teeth as he tried to pull his dagger out. But he became helpless as he screamed and writhed in pain. More and more zombies found places on his body where they could bite at him and rip away at his flesh. The pain continued until Mayhem was struck by a mercy arrow in the heart from Tanaka, who after firing the arrow, then pulled his sword. Tanaka and Olaf, with a few other Vikings, charged into the zombies. They were being bitten, but while they were lopping off zombie heads, including some heads of Viking zombies. The swarm of zombies eventually engulfed and killed three Vikings who refused to quit. The fighting continued, but the humans prevailed. Immediately after Olaf and Tanaka managed to turn the swarm of zombies into heaps of rotting flesh they stood face to face with the large vampire, Heinrich Malankoff, and his fellow vampire, the suave Doctor Saveli Zernebog.

Malankoff said in his deep resonant voice, "Remember me?"

Olaf said, "You devils cannot win. You know there are too many of us."

Heinrich looked around. "If that is true, then where are they little man?"

Olaf said, "We are glad you putrid scum want to fight us in the open. Let's settle this now, devil." He spit in the direction of Malankoff and got into his fighting stance while swinging his axe as he loosened up his right axe arm. Malankoff charged him and leaped high into the air, ready to plunge his dagger into Olaf. Olaf saw that Heinrich was using the dagger with his right hand. He quickly flipped his hand axe into the air, switched his shield to his right side, and then he caught the axe with his left hand. Heinrich nearly took Olaf down with the force of his mass, but Olaf sidestepped him and used his left hand to bury the axe into the side of Malankoff's neck. Olaf hit him only once more on the back of the neck with a massive stroke and severed the vampire's head. The vampire's body and head immediately turned into a black dust. Olaf's chest was heaving with both pride and adrenalin as he and Tanaka stared down Zernebog.

Zernebog shrugged his shoulders and said, "I knew that was going to happen to him sooner or later. Believe me; that will not happen with me." Zernebog shook his head as he looked at the dust. Then he pulled out two daggers. "He really didn't understand the fine, elegant art of dismantling a human body like I do. That is why they call me 'Doctor'."

Then Tanaka and Olaf saw Francisco Spagnolo and Foetus Interfector enter through the gate behind Zernebog. The Viking and Samurai were petrified as they looked at Interfector, who looked like a blurry walking shadow with bright red, hate-filled eyes.

"Get back! Now!" Sheriff O'Taku commanded from behind the warriors. They looked at each other and both ran back without shame as fast as they could toward the inner gate.

As the soldiers ran, they heard the retreat trumpet coming from the inner wall. Stroganoff townspeople inside the outer wall all knew that the situation was desperate and that they were to retreat into the inner wall.

Instead of pursuing the fleeing people, Interfector took the opportunity to animate the recently dead soldiers into zombies. Then the zombies roamed the outer part of Stroganoff to see whom they may devour.

"Break time," Zernebog said, as he went to find a blood donor.

Chapter 36

An emergency meeting was called in the great hall. The Sheriff sat somberly with Lady Jayne Doux, Countess Irene, Tanaka and Olaf. The Countess tried to put on her best face and sent Viscount Graf to his chamber.

"What the hell was that thing out there?!" Sheriff O'Taku asked.

No one said anything.

O'Taku said, "I thought the vampires were scary enough, but that thing beats anything I've ever seen."

"Agreed," Olaf said.

"Yes," Tanaka said. "If we all remember, that vampire threatened to bring back worse vampires right before Storm Mayhem shot him."

The Sheriff said, "Some of our group is missing. But we can't worry about that right now. This town may not survive the night. What time is it?"

Jayne said, "About four bells."

Olaf said, "Another hour or so, then it will be daybreak."

Jayne said, "Excuse me; I have something I must do."

The Countess said, "I'll go with you."

Jayne said, "You are needed here, Countess."

"Nay, I say. We will act in unison."

*******

The vampires had engorged themselves on the blood of townspeople to the point that blood was starting to seep out of their pores.

Spagnolo told Zernebog, "You know with the elimination of so many of our acquaintances, maybe we should turn a few of these peasants."

Zernebog said, "What? Make some of these low brow Stroganoff types into vampires? You can't be serious. I like to stick to professional types. If I am going to have to spend a hundred years or so with them just to train them, I want to at least be able to stand being around them. Besides, I'm not much in the mood for a blood ritual after such a busy night."

Foetus Interfector looked at the newly turned zombies standing around him and said, "I breathed the breath of total control into these marvelous beings. Now they owe their existence to me and will serve me unconditionally."

"To do what? Start prepping for the human apocalypse, or just hang out?" Zernebog asked.

The light consuming apparition with the uncanny red eyes said, "I will not share my details with the likes of you. You should worship me for even caring the slightest about your pointless cause. For I have seen the rise and fall of ancient empires. Even generations of immortal vampires have passed during my lifetime. The eons have passed and yet I remain."

"And your memory is sharp as a tack and you don't have the first wrinkle," Zernebog said.

Francisco said, "Oh great Interfector, how can we breach the inner wall to Stroganoff Castle?'

"I am indifferent toward your question.

Zernebog said, "Wow. We have come this far. Don't you think we should finish the job?'

Foetus Interfector said, "It matters not either way; in time I shall live and everyone around me will be gone. It is always the same."

Zernebog said, "Maybe so, but don't you enjoy the power of being able to extinguish their pointless lives?"

Interfector said, "If their lives are pointless, then what is the point? Perhaps I should kill you and attain some real meaning."

"Whoa, big boy!" Zernebog said. "Let's not go there! I get that you don't care about money, sex, property, titles, politics, or virtually anything, but I thought I heard the Countess say that you were a 'weenie'."

Interfector immediately marched up the street with the zombies and the vampires at his side. Flaming arrows came down upon them. Flames from the arrows that were meant for Interfector were snuffed out through absorption when they hit him and then the unlit arrows bounced off of him. Arrows hitting the zombies stuck into them, but had little to no effect. Zombies continued to shuffle along with the arrows sticking out of them. Interfector kept absorbing more flames as they hit him. Then he pointed up at the jagged battlements where the arrows were raining down upon him and shot a stream of absorbed flame back up at them. An archer on top of the wall screamed as he became a human torch.

Zernebog said, "That guy is lit."

Then the defenders dropped a massive stone block down at Interfector. He reached up with his hand and caught the big stone with the single hand and flung it at the wall. It slammed into the wall, causing a huge crack in the wall as the block turned to gravel.

Inside the inner wall, the Sheriff was feverishly trying to figure out how to stop the paranormal onslaught. Was there no weapon in their arsenal that could stop this mystical menace?

Then a small knight on foot in full shining off-the-rack armor appeared at the nearby gate holding a designer silver mace. Then another knight followed in an old battered suit with a long sword.

The shining knight said in a youthful sounding voice, "Open the gate!"

"Wha . . . No!" O'Taku said. "We do not share your death wish!"

The shining knight said, "I am a spiritual Paladin! I fight not with power of my own, but of God!"

A soldier said, "Let the Paladins use their magic, Sheriff! Let them out! We have no other choice!"

The Sheriff said, "We can hold out until daylight! No, we must surely not open the gate!"

Then there were more heavy thuds against the damaged spot on the wall.

The soldiers said, "We must stop them here! Not all of us can fit in the keep! We will all surely die!"

The Sheriff said, "No! I won't open it!"

Then he saw the Viscount with his captured sword and Maleric nearby. "Viscount! Why are you here?!"

The Viscount said, "I'd rather die a man, than as a running coward!"

"No!" the Sheriff said, "You are just a boy!"

The knight in the old suit with the long sword raised her visor. O'Taku could see that it was the Countess!

Soldiers started crossing themselves as they exclaimed, "Egad! Gadzooks! Like, whoa!"

Countess Irene said calmly, "It's okay, Sheriff. Open the gate. The Paladin will prevail."

"Countess!" O'Taku exclaimed.

"Open the gate, I say."

Chapter 37

The soldiers started chanting. "Open the gate!"

O'Taku said, "Sound the horn! We shall not stand idly by while the Paladin of God fights for all of Stroganoff!"

The horn sounded and more men started positioning themselves at the gate. Olaf went to the front near the gate and stood should to shoulder next to the Paladin. He stood tall as he could and saw that he and the Paladin were both equally as short.

Olaf said, "You don't look like much, but you have the heart of a dragon."

The Paladin did not speak. The Paladin pointed the silver mace at the door.

Olaf looked at the Paladin again and said, "You know; before I thought I could never get enough of these battles, but I think I am getting pretty close to being satisfied now."

The Paladin still did not speak.

The Viscount moved to the front lines and Tanaka came forward and pushed him backwards. "No! You go back!" the usually quiet warrior said.

Kyle, the fancy lad, screamed a prayer, "Oh God! Please send a ray of sun upon us so these monsters will flee!"

O'Taku realized that there would probably be no one left alive to second guess his decision to open the gate, so he ordered, "Open the gate!"

The defenders roared as they banged their weapons against their shields in unison.

Outside the inner gate, Doctor Saveli Zernebog told Francisco Spagnolo, "Listen to that. They're not all that scared. How well can we depend on our associate?"

Spagnolo said, "Foetus? You know his work. He even scares us, so imagine how they feel. This is what you wanted, right?"

Zernebog said, "It has gone very well so far, I must say. They have come at us with all of their puny forces and yet we prevail. I'm just a little concerned about Interfector's lack of motivation."

Francisco said, "Not all of us creatures of the night are out to kill just because we are purely evil. I am just a simple work-a-day vampire out to get my daily meal. You, on the other hand had to screw around with the Count's kid. Then you wonder why they are so excited."

"I messed with that kid to save you and Malankoff you ingrate!"

Then the door opened.

"Fools!" Foetus Interfector shouted at the brazen humans. "How dare you weaklings boldly challenge me by coming out here?!"

The Paladin walked forward in the full body plate armor with silver weapon in hand next to the Countess. Others on the front line followed.

The Paladin shouted, "God is with us, so who can stand against us?!"

"Ha!" Foetus said. "You think your faith can protect you?!" He sent a fireball at the Paladin, which was stopped by the Paladin's shield in an explosive splash on top of the cross.

Zernebog said to Spagnolo, "I just don't like the looks of that Paladin."

"We'll leave that one for Foetus," Spagnolo said.

Foetus Interfector blinked his eyes and with the power of thought caused the zombies to move toward the defenders. But the zombies would not go near the Paladin or the Countess. Zombies tried to skirmish with the soldiers, but the Zombies were too slow. Zombies were being dismantled by Stroganoff swordsmen while not taking many casualties.

The Paladin walked closer and closer to Interfector. Finally, the Paladin was nearly toe-to-toe with the fiend and said, "Flee vile spirit, in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ!"

Foetus said, "And what will you do if I don't?"

The Paladin swung the silver mace at Foetus and sparks flew off of his arm. Foetus shrieked loudly in pain, and started backing up while holding his burn. Then the humans advanced. Spagnolo started inflicting casualties with the Samurai sword, but was driven back by the sheer numbers of the humans. Foetus waved his arms, summoning the power to fling all of the troops off of their feet; but the Paladin and the Countess remained. The Paladin hit Interfector again with the mace and sparks flew, wounding him with another burn.

Foetus Interfector backed away and became extremely angry. He said, "Why are you two still standing here?!"

The Paladin said in a child-like voice, "We fight not with our own might, but of the Spirit! You have no power over us! Now, be gone!"

Olaf and Tanaka gathered themselves after being flung backward into a heap with all of the other soldiers.

Olaf said, "Would you look at that?! They still stand! Their magic is strong!"

The young Viscount stepped forward.

"Oh look," Zernebog said as he pointed at Graffy, "here comes a willing victim!"

The Countess had both hands on her sword and said, "You touch my son, you piece of filth, and I shall sever your head for you."

"Oh," Saveli said, "You are the Countess!"

"I am!"

Interfector said, "You will pay for calling me a weenie! Prepare to die."

The Countess said, "I never called you that, vampire. Now that I too have the power of God, the threat of death has no hold over me."

Foetus said, "Huh? I'm not a mere vampire."

Zernebog said, "Excuse me? I'm standing right here."

The Viscount said, "He's not, Mom. He's either a wight, or maybe some kind of a wraith. Clearly not a vampire."

The Paladin said to Zernebog, "Liar! You specifically said you would bring back worse vampires to retaliate. Not bring in some ringer of Hell's bells!"

Foetus Interfector said to the Countess, "You never called me a weenie?"

"No," Countess Irene said. "But I will be happy to send your foul stench back to Hell anyway."

Foetus said, "I am not a vampire." Dejected and exasperated, he said to Zernebog, "I can't believe you played me like that. I am bored of this and I don't feel like attacking the humans anymore."

Zernebog said to Foetus, "What?! You're evil! You're supposed to want to kill them for fun. You know, just 'cause! What up?!"

The next thing they knew, Foetus Interfector had vanished. All of the zombies collapsed.

Olaf and the solders took note of the sudden shift in the balance of power and sprung to their feet.

Zernebog said to Spagnolo, "On the count of three, we attack! No prisoners!"

Spagnolo said, "Yes!"

"One," Zernebog started the count.

The Paladin stood poised to fight. The other humans joined.

"Two," Zernebog said.

The other humans charged at the duo of vampires.

"Three," Zernebog said, as he immediately ran in the opposite direction of the fight at full super-speed.

Zernebog turned and Francisco was right next to him as they were running.

Francisco said, "I knew you were going to do that, you rotten villain. You think I'm stupid, don't you?"

All of Stroganoff cheered at their victory over the creepy forces of darkness.

Olaf walked up to the Paladin and said, "I want to shake the hand of the mightiest soldier I have ever seen.

The Paladin raised her visor. Lady Jayne Doux, the Paladin said, "It is not I, but the power of God who is in me."

Olaf was shocked at the revelation that the Paladin was a woman. He said, "The power of your God is indeed strong. I must know of it."

"Aye. You shall know of Him, brave Olaf."

*******

The town of Stroganoff was saddened upon learning of the loss of Count Graf. But the Countess became the Lord over the increasingly prosperous holdings with the very capable help of Jayne Doux, as her aide. The Countess ordered that the construction of the large church on the square be continued, and that services be conducted in the church as soon as possible.

Jayne took Elwin Fuller's name after they wed.

Sheriff O'Taku believed that his place was in Stroganoff and decided to stay; as did Olaf and Tanaka.

Whenever Countess Irene and Jayne Fuller rode in the coach down the streets of Stroganoff, the peasants, dressed in their customary Stroganoff purple and green, showed their gratitude toward God and the courageous women, as they solemnly crossed themselves and bowed.

THE END

Thank you for reading Fantasy Quest: Vampire Hack. Your star ratings, text reviews, blog reviews, and word of mouth reports are extremely important to Independent Authors and Publishers like me. Thank you. -Den

Other books by Den Warren:

Kings and Clans of the Midwest

Ayanna

Independent States of America

K-Tron

Metahuman Wars

Scorc Hunters

