 
Fear To Live For

### By Ayush Srivastava

### 2014 Copyright Ayush Srivastava

Smashwords Edition

Smashwords Edition, License Notes

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TABLE OF CONTENTS

SUMMARY

PROLOGUE

CHAPTER 1

CHAPTER 2

CHAPTER 3

CHAPTER 4

CHAPTER 5

CHAPTER 6

CHAPTER 7

CHAPTER 8

EXTRA: THE NEW GUYS

CHAPTER 9

CHAPTER 10

EXTRA: THE ATTEMPT TO QUIT

EXTRA: SHARING THE SECRET

EXTRA: COMING OUT

CHAPTER 11

EPILOGUE

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

TRIVIA

ABOUT THE AUTHOR
SUMMARY

Andrew Jonah Peters has lived his entire life making choices. Whether it was choosing which candy to buy or to choose which parent to live with after their divorce, he has always found himself at the crossroads, unsure of what he really wants. Then, one day, while exploring the scenic waterfall of his hometown as a six year old, he found the answer to his biggest dilemma: Through fear.

Ever since a stranger told him about his method of choosing, Jonah has always put himself in a controlled life-threatening situation to realize what he wants. But when he loses control in a dangerous situation that exposes his secret and makes him an outcast in the society, Andrew faces the biggest choice he ever made: To live through fear or to accept death's embrace.

PROLOGUE

I have lived my life through fears, including one I didn't ever want to experience. Why?

Uncertainty.

One thing that plagues every single human mind. They may try to hide it, to cover it up but it is always there, waiting for the perfect moment to strike.

People seek counsel, life experiences, faith, etc. practically any external source of motivation to rely on.

They just want to rely on it to take the blame if things go bad.

I was uncertain too. I made bad choices in the name of useless excuses too.

Until I met HIM and from that moment my life changed irrevocably.

For good? I still don't know. My story isn't over yet. But since I have time for it, I will tell you what happened so far. I will try to keep bitterness from clouding my words but I can't promise that really.

My name is Andrew Jonah Peters and this is my story.

###  CHAPTER 1

12 years ago

"Andy, would you like to live with your mom or your dad?" My father asked me just as I came to kitchen for breakfast.

I immediately paused as I felt a sudden urge to be careful with my words. It was a nice sunny day outside which was a surprising delight when one lived in the small city of Witchbury Falls, named so after the waterfall nearby, where a cold draft could tickle you unexpectedly even on the hottest day of the season, which wasn't really that hot. I could barely wait to go to Kevin's, my neighbour and best friend, and play before I had heard that question.

After a small time, I said, "Can't I stay with you both?" in a small voice. I heard a faint amount of tremble in my voice and quickly moved my hands behind me to hide their sudden slight shaking.

They gave me a small smile and Mom responded, "No, honey, you can't. You see, your dad and I have decided to live apart now. I want to live in Seattle while your father wants to stay here."

Before she could continue, I interrupted. "Why are you living apart? Kevin's parents live together. Can't we do something else?" My voice nearly broke at the last word as I tried my best to keep my tears at bay.

They said they were going to be apart but they loved each other and people in love don't live apart. Yet they stand together and hold hands. I pointed this out to them. They smiled but didn't move their hands.

Dad said, "Kiddo, we have had a lovely marriage and an even better gift in form of you. But the marriage has run its course now. We both agreed that it would be better if we just get divorced, live separately and see other people. She will change her name back to Winters from Peters but you can keep yours. Don't worry, even if you choose one of us, you can still see the other at every holidays. Your mom and I are very good friends and for no price am I willing to leave her friendship, just like yours' and Kevin's."

He looked at mom then, who nodded to me. I felt the first tear escape as I looked at both of them. I was just a six-year old. How could they expect me to know what I needed? I knew what I wanted but they weren't even going to try for it.

Seeing my pained expression, I suppose, mom said, "Oh, Andy, don't worry about answering right now. Take your time, dear and try to answer by sunset. We honestly won't mind what you choose honey, so just choose what you want, not what we may want."

Then, as if trying to dismiss that this discussion didn't just happen, that their marriage wasn't just ending, that our family wasn't just falling apart, as if I wasn't crying a little on the outside while I felt so hollow on the inside, Dad said, "The day is young and the sun is bright! How about you invite Kevin and I make you both some of my omelettes for breakfast, huh? Then you two can play outside for your whole afternoon. After all, it is a Sunday, isn't it?"

He was trying to make me feel better but I saw it as clearly as I could see through a glass of water.

We lived in a two story bungalow near the end of the street. On the outside, our house was just like any other house in the city but like every other house, it's inside had a 'life' of its own, as Mom liked to call it. Kevin's house was decorated in sky blue colour and white walls, promoting a calm view while ours, decorated by both of my parents when they were newly married, was coloured bright yellow and light green, to remind people of sunny days and green fields. I had my room decorated with posters and pictures of my favourite cartoons and my parents had promised me that I could re-decorate my room as many times as I wanted once I was eight, which was only one and a half years far.

I nodded at them slowly and wiped my tears off. I tried to smile at them but I felt my lip tremble a little. They smiled back at me but it felt faked and I knew they were just hurt by my pain. I walked outside my house and began to walk towards the nearby woods. There was a hiking trail near our house that led to the waterfall. I knew I should get Kevin and talk to him. He probably wouldn't have anything to say to make me feel better but I knew that he would definitely try to distract me. He was just a month older than me but often treated me as if I was years younger than him. And though I like it, I would never tell him that.

But right now, I wanted to be alone. I did not want any distraction and I doubted Kevin could do anything to help me with my choice. I just kept thinking about how hard this choice was and how I shouldn't have to make it while walking. I began to make lists in favour of both mom and dad. Granny always said that making lists was a grown-up thing to do when making a hard choice and since I am a grown-up, I should make lists too.

Mom:

I love her.

She makes great pancakes.

She reads me a bedtime story every night.

She always helps to keep my toys together.

...

The list was almost endless. When I felt the most important ones had been mentioned, I began to think for my father.

Dad:

I love him.

He plays catch with me.

He allows me to watch cartoons longer than I should.

He lets me sneak sweets and candies to eat, no matter what time.

...

Just like the previous one, this list was endless too.

I tried to compare but it was like trying to compare a stone with a bird. Two different things.

I was brought out of my thoughts when I stumbled upon a pebble and fell. My hands were a little scratched and they hurt but it wasn't much. It was then I looked around and saw that I was actually near the bottom of the waterfall. I realised that I must have walked along the trail as I kept thinking.

The sound of the falling water was just amazing to hear. It helped me to calm down. I wasn't scared of getting lost. I had come here with my parents often (and sometimes came here alone just because I wanted to) so I knew the place very well.

I walked to the bank and sat on the soft grass there, looking at the beauty of water falling from such a height to below and rocks seemed to peep from behind the curtain of water. The waterfall existed because the place had a little uneven terrain – a new word I had recently learned. It was part of some river but I couldn't remember which one.

People often came from different places to visit the falls and take some photos. I sat on the grass and after some time, the thoughts returned. I was still unsure about what I should choose when I saw a shirtless man come into view and step directly below the falling water on one of the slippery rocks.

Scared, I screamed.

###  CHAPTER 2

He was surprised to hear my scream. I knew it because I saw him slip on those dangerous rocks as he looked around for me. I screamed again and I ran towards him. Mommy always told me to help others.

Kevin always said I was strong. I thought if I could stay still on the rocks long enough as his support for him to manage to climb back to safety, I could save him. At that time, the fall was a little far from me and I thought I could definitely do it.

I kept running until I reached the edge of the slippery rocks. The poor man was barely able to breathe and hold himself on the rock with his two hands at the same time. As I began to take my first step onto the rocks, the curious part of me wished me to look up.

My left leg froze in mid-air as I truly saw the scary sight of the falling water in front of me. It looked like it could crush me under just like I often crushed ants with my small shoes. I began to shake and I was scared, far more than I had ever been before. When I began to feel like I was going to lose my balance, I put my lifted leg back on the ground. My vision began to blur and I knew I was going to cry, if I wasn't crying already.

I looked at the sinking man, no, my teacher Ms Andrews told me it is drowning not sinking, and let out a strange sound, as if I was screaming without being unable to breathe, when I saw that he was not able to keep his head out of water for long enough time and one of his hands was now in the water, moving around quickly, trying to find some support.

Knowing that I should try to help him before anything happened to him, I began to run to him. The cold water of the fall made me shake a lot and I knew Mom and Dad won't like my wet clothes. I will also have a cold now and won't be able to play with Kevin for three days, just like the last time I had a cold. The push of the water was also very hard to resist but being a strong kid, I resisted. A part of me kept screaming at me to just go and get someone else for help but I knew it would be too late.

Three times I almost fell but recovered somehow. By the time I reached him, I knew that he was just about to lose his other hand's grip. Only two fingers had a strong hold on the rock and he clearly seemed to be finding it difficult to keep holding.

I slowly bent downwards while shivering and began to look for a way to help him. Just that instant, I saw his hand begin to slip completely into the water and I knew that he was going to go to sleep forever, just like my granny's elder sister did a year ago. She had looked beautiful, almost like a doll my friend Claire liked to play with, but I had doubt if he would look so good.

I have no idea what made me do it but I immediately stopped trying to get down slowly and immediately held his hand with both of my hands to hold him. Several things happened at once then.

Firstly, I heard a huge sucking in of breath and I felt happy. Happy to know that this person was still awake. Happy that I was really so strong. It stayed like that for a moment and then the happiness turned to terror as I felt my feet leave the ground immediately as I got carried away with him because of the water and a scream escaped my lips. A terror, to be forever unmatchable, held me and I couldn't even let go of him. In that moment, I wished I had made a choice. Third was the coldness that filled me as soon as I touched the water and clutched to only source of outer warmth I had, the hand I was still holding. I held the fingers as close to me as possible and thought of my family. I wished we were always going to live together, not apart so that I would not have to choose between dad and mom. I love mom a lot but I would rather be with dad here, at home.

After a few seconds, I couldn't breathe and I began to move around, trying to get air. Instead, I only got more of the cold water. The need to breathe air was almost unbearable and painful and when my mind finally began to calm down, as if I was going to sleep, I began to relax.

Just before I fell asleep though, I felt something move a little near my chest and something touch my back.

I woke up again and began to cough.

"Turn to the side and let it all get out, kid." A gruff but young voice said and I immediately followed, feeling better a lot instantly. I had immediately recognised that the voice was unfamiliar and as soon as I was able to take a few breaths properly, things returned to me with a rush. "You have been out for fifteen minutes, tops." He informed me.

A few tears came down the cheeks as I asked in a scratchy voice, "What happened? Who are you? Why am-"My words were cut off by a sudden coughing spree. When it finally subsided, I looked at him and the water that still held on to him made me remember everything immediately. I looked around and saw that we were indeed near the bank of Witchbury Falls, the exact place from where I had seen him step into the water.

As soon as I remembered that fact, I looked at him and asked, "What were you doing? You walked into that cold and strong water on those slippery rocks! Have you lost your marbles, like Kevin says to his crazy-going grandmother?" I tried but barely managed to avoid yelling at him. Then I looked at him carefully, in order to memorize his appearance while he seemed to look at me, as if doing the same.

He was quite tall, almost six feet, and his skin was a little dark but not like the wet mud near the banks. His hair was black and he was only wearing black jeans, which was also wet. He was barefoot and his stomach seemed to be going inside his body in a definite shape, as if he had placed something to make six small square blocks to come out of his stomach. So, I asked him, "Don't you eat food? Your stomach is going inside, as if it is eating itself in certain places inside."

Once I finished, I looked up at him to see him trying to stop smiling. Before I could say anything, like promise to never talk forever, he said, "Don't worry about me kid. You will know about this soon enough. Now tell me, what were you doing here alone? And why did you come into the water? It could be far more dangerous if I hadn't caught you in time."

Before he could continue, I said in anger, "It was dangerous to you too, you know. You would have gone to sleep, just like my granny's elder sister did a year ago." After a small pause, I added, "And you still did not answer my question yet."

He let out a breath in anger and then said, "Would you believe me if I told you that I wanted to watch the waterfall from the inside?"

"If you hadn't sounded so... so much as a know-it-all and with a better voice, yes. It is a curious place, this fall. People just come to stare and leave but never try to look it from within. I am not allowed to come here alone and I am scared to try it alone so I haven't done it yet." I replied honestly. Then I added, "What's your name?"

He gave me a weird look my parents gave me whenever I disturbed them too much and said, "Why do you want to know that?" "Because my parents ask me not to talk to strangers. If I know your name, you won't be a stranger to me anymore. So, what's your name?"

"You can call me Ed. It is not my real name but it is better if you don't know my name. Now that you know that kid, leave." He said, saying the word 'leave' with force to make it appear as a command. Too bad for him that I didn't want to leave.

"Ok, Ed. So what were you doing in the falls? Don't lie. Ms Andrews says it is bad to lie."

"Is there any way I can make you forget this ever happened?" He asked as he leaned back and sat on the grass next to me and stretched his legs. "No." I answered honestly.

"Will you promise to keep this a secret? You must not tell this to anyone, not even your best friend, alright? Do you promise?" He asked after a long time of silence.

I thought about it and I found no reason to say yes. "Why?" I asked. "Because what I am about to tell you is special, very special and I don't want to share it with a lot of people. You can even tell that you went for a swim while clothed to explain your wet clothes." He said, pointing to my wet clothes.

Now I just said lying is a bad thing but I believed in keeping secrets more, so I just nodded. He gave me a small smile and said, "All right kid. Listen carefully. I sincerely hope you would just forget all about this. Shh." He 'shh'-ed me when I opened my mouth to ask what sincerely meant. I kept quiet and he continued.

"You see kid, adults often have to make choices, difficult choices. And there is always a fear of making the wrong choice. Fear of regretting about it. I had that fear too. Then, something happened, something dangerous. I was very sad about a choice I had to make but still hadn't made. When I nearly went to 'eternal sleep' (he spoke of it in a voice full of some sort of amusement), I realized what I wanted. Surprisingly, I survived and I did as I wanted. Now I am happy and I had a way to deal with difficult choices. That is what I was doing, you get it now kid?" He was clearly expecting me to say no and ask some useless questions.

Instead, I asked, "What choice did you need to make now?" For a moment, his amused face cracked in surprise and I barely controlled my smile. Then he said, "You got it, didn't you kid? I repeat, never tell this to anyone. It may be hard but don't tell. Its results will not be good. I hope you never use this but still you must know, once you do it a couple of times, you will be addicted to it. It will dull your normal feelings and you will have an itch for more. So unless it is very important to you, do not use it. There are risks you must take and have faith, if it fails, do not blame someone else. By trying this, only you are responsible for its effects, got me kid?"

He didn't continue until I verbally agreed. Then he got up and began to walk away from me and said, "I would pray to heavens that you forget this or at least, never get to experience this. Because fear disables you only to a limited extent. After that, fear gives you wings. Whether it is light or heavy is never something to be certain of."

I turn away and begin to walk away home, thinking about what happened tonight and his last words. A prayer would be wasted tonight because I have already experienced it once.

And I want it again.

###  CHAPTER 3

One month ago from today

"Yo, Andy! How ya doing man? Coming to the party to Mindy's tonight? Kylie will be there." That's the greeting I get as soon as I enter the high school. Kevin and I, along with other guys and girls, are now THE seniors. We practically rule the high school.

Kevin is, as usual, extremely excited about a party. And this party is at Mindy's, whose house is just a room short of mansion, so he is extra excited. Like any other party, booze and illegal stuff will flow freely until three, when Mindy revives her strict tyrant self and makes the last conscious party-people clean up the mess made. No one opposes, especially after the emergency hospital run that last guy, Jimmy, made after he made the mistake to protest with a lousy excuse.

In short, if you want fun at Mindy's, be prepared for potential consequences.

It is totally awesome to go to though. I try to never miss one of hers even if it means sneaking out. They are the prime spots for the school's social drama as often committed people end up with other committed people and drunks are so entertaining that the stomach hurts. Sneaking out isn't hard either. Dad sleeps so deeply that I could run a bulldozer through the rest of the house and he might not wake up. But God protect the one who screams fire just for fun near his sleeping form, he is awake in a millisecond. I tried it and I know that his anger is definitely not worth the fun.

After a moment, I try and fail to come up with a better excuse and so just say, "Sorry Kev, got some stuff to do tonight. Don't try to feel up my girl, alright? If you really have to, go find someone else. Though you already have done much more with almost all of them, haven't you?"

Kevin, though my best friend, is also the biggest player whose biggest peeve is that I have a girlfriend whom I truly like. He just wants to 'have some experiences of bachelorhood' before he 'boringly' commits to his freedom's suicide, another name for commitment seeking girls. He's just lucky that being the only Hispanic guy in the school, girls are easily charmed. His long workouts in the gym helps his cause too.

"I never kiss and tell. Though I think I have told you about much more, haven't I? So reason for not coming... that secret stuff of yours again?" he says as he pats me on the back. My secret stuff is almost public knowledge but, luckily, no one really knows about it.

Let's just say that I got really excited about trying it again after that one time and climbed onto the weakest branch of a tall tree and shook it until it broke, just because I wanted to know if I wanted cookies more or pancakes. I know, silly but it worked and the only evidence was a small scratch that I easily lied about. After that, Ed's rule for not trying again and again went out of my mind and I can positively say that I became an addict by the time I was ten. I know this because I tried to quit and ended up depressed. That led to a whole another drama.

By this time, we are with other guys. Nik is a talented photographer and intends to pursue his interests. Everyone likes him, until Nik takes embarrassing photos of them, which he likes to do a lot. Cam, short for Cameron, is the biggest player, next to Kevin of course, and is the best actor of the school drama club. He is also the biggest gossip and always has a story to entertain us with. Jacob, Luke and Simon are football players who hang out with us almost as much as they do with the rest of the team. Quite an unusual group but that's the effect of growing in a small town. You could be the biggest player around and still be the local church's preacher's son's best friend.

"Secret stuff again, Jonah?" Luke asks, hearing our conversation. He and Cam are the only two who call me by my middle name aside from my parents and only because I can't stop them. It usually takes a small brawl to convince them to stop using the name which, although a part of me, I rather not have used as much frequently as Andy. It is only a matter of familiarity. I am stronger than the rest but those two can easily put me down. Though since Kevin recently joined football team, he is getting harder to defeat too. They are all curious to find out about it, like any normal person should be. I had to practically drill the point into their heads that it is a secret for a reason and they should just let it go.

"You know it. Have fun but not too much. I don't want to end up carrying your drunk asses in my precious car again. Sure you guys are hilarious drunks but I rather not have you stink it up. Simon's guts still stink if I forget to leave the window open just a crack. And it was a month ago."

"Oh yes. But it was totally worth it Peters. Your birthday party was just amazing." Simon grins unrepentantly as he answers. I notice that now Simon and Luke both have brown hair, even though they both are naturally blonde.

"Nice try Si but you are still going to pay for my next car wash." I reply before he can use any excuse to get out of it. "Tired of dumb blonde jokes, Luke and Si?" I grin as they keep opening and closing mouths with no words coming out in embarrassment. "What was it last time? Fashion? Keep changing hair colour and you will end up bald, guys. Look at us. I, Andy and Kev have black hair. You don't see us changing hair like clothes. Or even Nik and Cam, even though we love to make fun of their mushroom-like brown hair." Jacob adds in and we laugh some more as they fake-punch us in fun. At least I think it is in fun.

Just then a hand snakes around my hip and a small breath is exhaled near the back of my ear that makes me shiver. "Morning Handsome." A soft female voice whispers in pleasure at seeing me shiver. I immediately react how I always like to.

I hold onto her hand that is on my hip and pull her while I turn and catch her in a morning kiss. For these moments, nothing outside exists except us. That is until we are interrupted by very loud coughing and it is then I realize that we had gotten quite intense and, even though our friends saw it daily at school, they didn't want to wait for us to finish.

Separating from her with a small grin on my face, I don't break the contact of our foreheads and look at her usual dazed look and reply, "Morning beautiful." Kylie takes a second to recover but then gives a small smile that is truly for only me, a smile that lights up her entire face and increases her beauty several times. Every single guy wants that smile directed towards him but I know Kylie won't ever do that. We care for each other almost as much as any married couple does. Kylie was one of us since we joined this place. It was only three months after that when I asked her out. And like the first day, she still makes my heart stop just by looking at her.

"This is almost as worse as hearing our parents." Kev comments and then lets out a loud 'Ow!' when Kylie slaps him on the back of his head. "Yup, definitely almost as worse. You even hit like one, Kyl." He says. She frowns at him while the rest of us try to hide our smiles at the intimated look Kev gives. Just because Kevin likes his shortened name, it doesn't mean everyone else likes it for themselves too.

Fortunately for Kevin, before Kylie can scold him yet again, the bell rings for class and we hurry into our classes, trying to make it just a minute before our teachers do.

Witchbury High, established sometime in last century by the looks of it, is a combination of three three-floored 'blocks'. Its paint, which was once cream, now looks like a sick man's vomit. Though I feel like adding that some of us did vomit at the walls to decorate it further. The classes are all small for the needs. It's only saving grace is its updated gym and field. Even that's because coach Hannigan almost caused a riot for it. Owing to my 'nice kid' reputation, everyone gives me a smile with messages ranging from a simple 'Hi' to a seductive 'Leave Kylie and get on with me' type. It's surprising how much they manage to convey in a smile. Right now though, there are barely any smiles as everyone hurries to make it to class in time.

Since I have English Lit right now and Ms Aubrey, our redhead teacher, is the most cool-headed teacher with the occasional tendency to forget the curriculum and start discussing philosophy in the middle of class, I walk calmly into the class. Kev shares this class with me and pushes me from the back and says, "Hurry up, Andy! Just because every teacher practically eats out of your hand doesn't mean you can flaunt the school's rules this much."

He is right but then again, he is the only student ever known in Witchbury High to have made Ms Aubrey lose her cool. The video recording of this event was never uploaded on YouTube, as Ms Aubrey knew exactly how to hack a Google account with the help of her almost-fiancé and ethical hacker Jonathan Wintrow, who is usually a cool easy-going guy, and she had a really mean streak for revenge. But away from the internet, it was the most widely watched video of our school, even more than porn.

Kevin is, as he confessed to me in private after that incident after much coaxing, scared witless of her and so, he hurries in front of me to make it to the class on time right now. But as luck would have it, she already stands at the doorway, having seen us coming.

In an icy voice, she tells Kev who has already froze on his spot the moment he noticed her, "Turn around, Mr Simons. Your destination is for a tardy slip now." By this time, I have caught with him. I nod a polite 'Good Morning' to her and her face transforms instantly into a bright smile. "Good Morning, Mr Peters. You made it just in time. Please take your seat."

With my head down, I smile as I walk in and hear her frosty voice again, "Get me a tardy slip, Mr Simons, and you might have a chance of getting in class today." A few chuckles and giggles come from the people inside as Kevin dejectedly turns away but Ms Aubrey ignores them.

The rest of the day is just like every other day. Coach Hannigan still wants me to try out for the basketball team, because of my six feet height and some skills with the ball but I make up the excuse of too much pressure again. It isn't a lie but I think that if I really wanted, I could have tried everything to be managed to make room for basketball but the truth is that it would take my time to plan my next dare.

The school finally ends and everyone, as they have been doing for the entire day, try to convince me again, unsuccessfully, to make me come to the party and let go of the secret stuff for once. As I start my car, one I bought from 'junkyard' and repaired during my spare time and vacations, adding some special 'features' for use in my dares, I glance once again at the school building and think the same thought I always get: This is the best life there is.

And with that, I move out of the parking lot, planning what to get for my latest dare tonight. For a moment, I consider abandoning this idea, because there is a lot of things that could go wrong. But a moment later, I console myself with the fact that that is why I do it and I always plan it well that even if it comes to the worst case scenario, I know I will be safe. After all, there is no need to be suicidal, it is just for a few minutes of a rush.

By the time I make it to the Luke's father, Mr Johnson's hardware store, I am confident of my plan. I have made sure of everything for tonight. I just need one more stuff for tonight.

This idea was actually based on the promotional video the manufacturers released for my car, Chevrolet Sonic. Kevin had gotten the car as a gift on his birthday but having drunk too much a month later, he had totalled it by crashing it into the roadside trees. He was grounded for a month for 'letting his car get stolen' (we barely managed to cover up his injuries) and after a lot of begging, which I recorded and posted on YouTube - and hours later became an instant hit - I had bought his wrecked car from him as I was saving for one anyways. I began to work on it a little into the woods behind the house so that no one accidentally spotted it. After a compulsory paint job, when Kevin begged me to do so to avoid getting caught, I changed its colour from the red it originally was to a dark grey. When dad asked where I got the car, I told him that I got it fresh off the most recent delivery to the junkyard.

"Hey, Jonah. How are you?" Mr Simons, who seems to be buying some tools, asks me as I enter. Mr Johnson also looks up while he rings up the purchase and gives me a warm smile before returning back to work. Being a well-liked person has its advantage. I immediately walk into the aisles, mentally wondering if four bungee cords would be enough. Then again, since I want a little danger (not serious danger; just enough to give me a scare), I figure that four would be more than enough. As I look them over and check their hook attachment, a shadow falls over me and I almost jump.

"Planning a bungee jumping event, huh Jonah?" Mr Johnson asks. Then before I can even respond, he shakes his head in disapproval and speaks, with a bit of wistfulness, "You kids nowadays are some serious thrill-seekers. Here." He turns and picks up some safety harnesses and says, "Better take these too. It is always nice to be as safe as possible." _I disagree. Sometimes the danger is more fun._

Still, I give a smile and say, "Thanks, Mr Johnson. I was going to pick them up too." "Anything else?" He asks, looking at the stuff with equal amounts of longing and dislike. "No, thanks. This is all." I respond and he turns and looks at me strangely.

"Why only four Jonah? If I remember correctly, your group has seven people, including yourself. Then why aren't you getting more? If you want, I could give you a little discount." He offers and I mentally panic, trying to come out of this as smoothly as possible. After a moment of silence, I respond, making up excuses as I go.

"You know how Cam is afraid of heights so I don't think he would want to take a turn. And Jacob vomits every time he tries hanging upside down so he won't really even consider it. Poor boy always misses out stuff like these and those rollercoaster rides with twists and turns." I hide a shudder as I remember that our entire group, along with Kylie and some of the players' 'girl of the day's with us, had watched Final Destination 3 the very next night. Kylie had made me promise to never go on one again and feeling a little freaked out myself, I had agreed. The girls had vowed to never disrespect tanning salon rules again. I don't think Kylie even went to another tanning session after watching that movie.

"Yeah, poor boy." Mr Johnson speaks softly in agreement but I also hear the amusement behind the words. "Simon is scarred by that incident near the waterfall so he really hates to go anywhere near it, and it is where I actually intend to organize this on this Sunday. Also, this is kind of a surprise so I hope you won't tell." I plead with him. He nods and I am reminded of what had happened when I had tried to break another of Ed's rules.

When Simon went detective on me, I tried to tell him about the waterfall trick without really confirming it. He figured it out still but tried it only for the thrill. Even though I warned him, he had gone without his shoes on. And just like me on that fateful day, he had slipped. Not being able to swim, he had offered little resistance to the water that kept pushing him down till he fainted. And when he woke up later in the hospital, he was completely freaked out. After that it took him a long time to even shower without letting out some kind of scream or walk into a pool again. But he never dared to return to the falls again. Thankfully, he didn't tell any adult that I had suggested it. Others of the group simply called the trick foolish and useless. So it was forgotten, by everyone except Simon, that is. I still sometimes saw the scared look he gave at the mention of the falls.

Mr Johnson rings up the purchases and after paying, I leave for the small hill near the edge of the town, almost at the opposite end of the falls. Sometime ahead, I pass the Smith's remembrance shrine near the site of the accident and I once again wonder if I should drop this habit. The shrine was built in remembrance of the Smith family who had a car accident about twenty one years ago. Andrea and Jonathan Smiths hadn't made it but their son, Elisan Robert Smith, had. He was sent to foster care and last anyone in this town heard, he had run away from there. People hoped he would come back here, even if he had no one here to come back to.

Shaking my head to dispel these depressing thoughts, I drive to the top of the hill and see that the setup here is almost complete. Fixing the bungee cords to the car and the other end to the rope tied around one of the strong green trees near the steep incline, I check to see if the knots are properly tied.

Just to be on the safe side, I glance down the incline and see that even though it is steep, once the cords have finished moving, I can safely slide down the hill at a slow speed and then come back up to cut the rope and free the car so that it can go down easily. Having already spent the last two days creating a sand and mud wall to cushion the stop of the unmanned vehicle, I can see that there won't be any permanent damage to the car, only those that might occur during oscillation.

At this very moment, my cell rings and I check it to see that its Kevin calling. "Hey, what's up?" I ask him as I walk back to the car. "Still not coming to the party?" He asks and his voice sounds surprisingly serious. "Yeah. Sorry buddy. Not going to make it there tonight. But just you wait to see what I have got planned for Sunday. We're gonna have loads of fun. Cameras and video recorders would be a must! You'll see." I excitedly respond. I didn't exactly lie to Mr Johnson. In order to maintain my cover, I knew I had to make it the truth. A serious okay is all the response I get. In order to check the engine's status, I pop the hood and am surprised to hear a strange popping sound come through the phone at the same time. Suspicious, I ask, "Where are you Kev?"

"Oh, I am at home. Pops is just looking into his car. It seems to be making some sort of strange sound. That reminds me, hey do you still have that black button-up shirt? I need to borrow it. Chicks are attracted to it like magnet attracts iron."

Now doing this stunt meant that I wasn't going to return home tonight. So I just respond, "Sure, it's in my closet. Take it. I'm out right now and won't be home before you leave." It is the truth. I was waiting to perform this in the dark to avoid anyone seeing me and since I had already hooked the car up, I wasn't going to unhook it all again for what seemed like maybe three hours of sunlight. In this time, I would deal with the other school stuff like getting all those boring assignments done and the valedictorian speech ready. I wasn't the one who had to say it even, it was just that my writing was good enough that Ms Aubrey is willing to make the valedictorian speech my grade paper.

"Oh, okay then. Talk to you later. Know that I will call again at the party to tempt you. Can't you seriously leave this 'secret stuff' of yours for once?" Kev asks and I am so excited to do this that I almost say no. But the truth is, if I delay I know I won't be my usual self. I have become dependent on the thrill and the sense of living it brings and that sense of the last time is nearly forgotten now. If I don't, I had a feeling I would be just restless and moody. And later depressed. So I couldn't delay. Might as well get this over with. "No will have to do, Kev. Sorry." I apologize. With a sigh, he responds, "Someday, Andy, you are telling me everything about this secret stuff."

"Someday, Kev, someday." I repeat, justifying my obvious lie with the fact that the day would come after I finally kick this habit away. Which won't be soon it seems. He hangs up and I feel guilty for lying to him. But tonight is again I have to make a hard choice. Kylie has been giving signals that she is ready for more than just making out but I am not sure that it isn't too early for her, for us. I can't have her regretting it later.

So I sit down in the driver seat, pull all the window panes down and wait until it is dark enough.

###  CHAPTER 4

4 hours later

"Finally, it's time." Words come out of my mouth even before I open my eyes. I momentarily feel a headache, a clear result of trying to function normally too quickly, which soon passes and stiffness in my limbs. The shrill alarm tone that woke up me up from a ninety minutes nap is slowly becoming the nuisance it is supposed to be and I stop the alarm as soon as I open my eyes. Like always, a nervousness surrounds me as self-doubt crops up. The one time it didn't appear was when I was experienced enough in the waterfall method and that was the time when I realized that I wasn't scared of it anymore. It hadn't brought on the rush like usual and I had been forced to improvise.

Right now, I can feel my heart beating quickly and I smile. Yes, this is going to work. There is the strange feeling that makes my limbs feel like jelly, trying to paralyse me but I don't stop. Before I begin though, I check the complete set-up so that there aren't any mistakes that can kill me. I check everything and sure, it was just how I left it hours ago. I pack all the stuff I spread out throughout the car so that they won't be tossed around and, most likely, hurt me and throw it all in the trunk.

I can feel the anticipation. It calls me to do this right now. To have no hesitation. And there isn't. I am fully confident of this. I am not going to back out. But I want to savour this moment. To fill myself up with this feeling of life within me. The doubt is still there in the back of my mind but it is easier to ignore now. I walk to the edge of the cliff and stare at the town of Witchbury Falls stare back at me, as if asking me 'What are you going to do?' It is waiting for a show and it will get one.

I feel like screaming something. What or why, I don't know or care. But I feel like a scream would ruin this very moment. This spell that binds all these moments of anticipation would ruined by a scream. But I feel the lure of the moment for something big, something dramatic. And it brings an ear-to-ear grin on my face. And with a large exhale, I stare at the amazing view in front of me, storing it all in the memory. Witchbury Falls has never looked more beautiful. It may not be a large city but it is my home and I love it. In the distance, I can see something happening by the falls as there is some light there, illuminating the falling water as if it were sparkling gold.

Unwillingly, I turn and walk back into the car. Just as I step into the car, though, my phone rings and it breaks the spell that was filling the air a moment ago. I sigh and, without even looking at who's calling, I bark into it, "What?" For a moment, there is silence on the other side before Kev responds with a subdued, "Hey".

Releasing an annoyed breath, I ask Kev, trying to hide my annoyance but failing, "What happened Kev? I'm in the middle of something."

He obviously gets my annoyance as his first words are, "You okay, Andy?" Before responding, I take a deep breath and remind myself that Kev is my friend and I shouldn't really be angry at him. I wasn't really doing anything and the moment can be rebuilt again later.

"Yeah, I'm cool. What happened?" I ask, pleased that my voice is now normal again. Though with the hesitation Kevin seems to be showing, ridiculous suspicion is growing within me.

"Nothing. Nothing happened. Why? Does something has to happen before I call?" He quickly responds after that moment of hesitation and I feel that he is being defensive. And then I realize something that fuels my suspicion even more. "Why is the background so quiet, Kev? I thought you were at Mindy's party?"

There is no answer for a moment and I know his next words would be a lie. "I...I am, uh, outside! Yes, that's it. I am outside. Knew I wouldn't be able to hear you inside so I came out." He responds and even if I didn't knew he would lie, I would have immediately caught him lying. Firstly because of that exclamation that sounded like he was making it believe himself and second, because unless you went a block away, you would still be able to hear the party's music while on the other side of the phone. Her parties were that loud.

"Kev, you know that you are a terrible liar right?" I speak and there is no response. For a moment, I wonder if he hung up on me and check the display to see that the call is still active. Knowing he won't answer until he comes with a suitable lie (he won't), I change the subject, "Would you at least tell me why you called?"

This time Kevin responds and although he doesn't lie this time, I realize that he is hiding something immediately. "I, uh, was wondering where you were and why hadn't you returned yet. You usually return from your 'secret stuff' by now and I was looking for you." I wouldn't have noticed if I was distracted, like in the start of the conversation, but right now, I catch the small change of voice when he speaks the words 'secret stuff'. And my mind immediately goes to one thing.

"You are somewhere here, aren't you?" I accuse as I look around, trying to find him in the distance. But as soon as I speak those words, I realize that accusation isn't the only thing that is lacing those words, nervousness is too. And so I take a moment to control my emotions before angrily asking, "I swear Kev, tell me the truth where you are or I will hurt you badly."

There is no mistaking the threat in my voice and I can even hear the word 'I' escape before Luke calls to him on the other side. "Hey Kev, what are you still at home for? I have been looking all around for you at the party. Come quickly now, there are lots of girls there and the entertainment will have you begging for mercy as you hold your stomach while laughing. His voice slurs and I believe him.

"Alright, Kev. That will act as my proof. Sorry bud but my secret stuff is secret for a reason. You should go to the party Kev." I tell him before adding to lighten the mood, "But don't try to make a move on my girl Kev. I won't rescue you if she breaks that face of yours." I laugh a little as I imagine her doing much worse than that.

"Yeah. She hits worse than you. Sometimes I wonder who the man in the relationship really is." He jokes and I feel that I am forgiven for being so angry and suspicious. In the background, Luke says, "Is that Andy? Is he inviting you for the secret stuff? Man, I want to come to! Can I? Can I? Can I?"

I don't know who told him so but acting like that does not get you what you want. Instead you just come out silly. Kev laughs before saying to him, "Shut up before the entire neighbourhood comes to hear us talk. No I am not invited... yet." Then he says to me again, "Andy? I was just worried about you and why you hadn't told about your secret stuff to even Kyl... I mean Kylie." He quickly corrects himself, as if Kylie is watching, and glaring, at him from nearby. "Gonna go to the party and get so drunk that you will have to bring the revived car to pick us up." Revived is what he calls this car since I practically brought it back from the dead. He also once told me that it is better than slipping up and confessing that it was the car he got and totalled.

"Okay buddy. Enjoy at Mindy's but remember. Hands off Kylie! Aside from that, let your inner monster loose. Bye" I tell him before hanging up. And then I let out a deep sigh.

I almost blamed him for following me. Truth was, I was scared how they would react if they ever found out this truth about the secret stuff. Risking life for just a rush? They would never like that or stoop to something like this. And so when I felt like they had followed me, I was absolutely scared.

Feeling the moment was completely ruined, I get out of the car and walk around a little to calm myself down from the emotions which are simply fuelling my doubt. It takes a lot of time to regain my normal composure. A look at the clock tells me that it is past dinner-time now and Dad would already have gone to sleep. He knows me well enough to not to worry too much about me.

Trying to make the mood revive, I look at the scene in front of me but nothing happens. The mood is now gone far away and I momentarily consider abandoning this today. A sadness comes over me as I look back at the car, feeling exhausted now that the feeling of failure fills me. In this mood, I know I won't be able to gain anything even if I try. But a part of me doesn't want me to quit.

And so, I pop my earphones in my ears and begin to listen to music. Nothing metal that might give me a headache, just some rock songs, to distract myself. And it is while hearing Jason Walker sing Echo that I feel the emotions arise inside me again. My mind begins to think of how I excitedly had planned this stuff. How excited I was to set all this up. How sweet all the wait was. How tempting the lure was. And slowly I feel it.

The heart rate increases slowly but steadily and by the end of the song, the anticipation is back. The mood is back and as one last scene, of minutes ago, of me looking out at Witchbury Falls returns, I know that the spell which was broken has now been recast. I switch my phone off to avoid any sort of interruption and take a deep breath.

Then I start the car and the feeling that comes over me at that moment is too strong to be properly expressed. It is just perfect. A mix of anticipation, fear, longing and doubt fills me as an adrenaline rush makes my body ready for 'fight-or-flight' mode. But there is no more running away now. No need for any fight. It is all taken care of. All that remains is to savour this fine moment of perfection and let it fill every inch of my being.

A part of me wonders what if something goes wrong. What if I get hurt?

But I have learnt to ignore these 'what if's now. All it takes is to believe (and ensuring beforehand) that nothing bad will happen.

And with this thought, I drive the car over the cliff.

Fear settles in as I now rely on the unknown. In this one moment when the zero gravity makes its presence noticeable, I think back to my question and the regret comes at me at a super-fast speed. The regret of not accepting that she knows what she wants and trust her enough to take that step forward.

I smile as this regret brings with itself a feeling of love for her. A love I know will never diminish and fade. A love that will shine inside me forever. And from within another thought surfaces, maybe she will cure my addiction too.

The relief, though, is short-lived because all my calm shatters when I hear Kylie's pained voice scream, "ANDY!" And along with the emotions is one thought that I always feared.

I'm screwed.

###  CHAPTER 5

"Andy! What the hell did you do man?" Kev shouts and I immediately know that Luke is somewhere nearby. And it clicks that I missed the fact that Kev's speech slurred even though he wasn't even at the party. He never drank at home. He must have faked it. I deal with the multiple bloated safety airbags before I realize I must warn them to not tell anyone.

I frantically look for the cell where I had left it but ironically, while being cautious to avoid having anything thrown around during the jump, I forgot to put the cell away. I realize this as soon as I spot the broken pieces of the cell. Putting my head out of the window, I scream with complete seriousness, "I will kill you Kev. I am coming up. Don't you dare call anyone!"

If he does call... I shiver in fear as the thought occurs to me. My reputation, dad's reputation, my friends, this high, I will lose it all. And this brings on the one fear I never wanted to get a high on but now do. It is one fear I never quite wanted to go through because I had no idea how this would manage. I tried only controllable stunts but this one? Not even if hell froze over could I try to contain this one. I hope those above think of this before they do anything to expose my secret. The high helps me to jump from the still hanging car and get down. Unfortunately, my timing couldn't have been any worse.

"Hey Andy!" Kev shouts, sounding a lot scared. "We found a rope around a tree along which some sort of cords are hanging. Hang in there buddy. We have almost cut the rope!" My entire body freezes as I process the words and immediately I scream, "NO! DON'T!"

Kev says something but his voice is buried in the huge snapping sound that comes and, to my horror, I see the car begin to roll down the incline with minimal damage with the hooks trailing behind it. And I stand directly in its path of descent. So without thinking, I run down to get to flat surface before the car rolls over me. Even if I do get behind the car, those hooks would tear me into pieces.

"Kev, you idiot! What have two done?" Kylie screams, mostly angry but a little relieved. "Run, Andy. RUN!" She screams to me. I didn't really need her to know the need for it. I already see the cause.

I run like I have never ran before, faster than ever, as the car seems to be just not touching me. I run, aware of how panicked Kylie's sobs are, how Kev and Luke are, uselessly, just shouting "Run!" at me and watching. I hope to God they aren't recording this. I would have felt idiotic if I wasn't running for my life. I am so going to kill those two dumb idiots for this.

I run almost one and half miles before fatigue begins to make its presence known. I do not slow down, at least not willingly, and push myself to run faster. A strange uncomfortable feeling is gathering in my stomach and I know I am going to throw up whatever I had once I stop and try to rest. By this time I have already reached flat surface and I can almost feel the car slowing down on its own. But it is not slow enough that I might try stopping it completely. I run for another minute, feeling my heart is going to burst out of my chest, before I feel the car has slowed down enough for me to try stopping it.

I immediately turn and put my hands towards the hood of the car, trying to ignore the way my head spun at that sudden movement, and give it all my remaining strength to stop the vehicle. I slip back some distance until my feet touch that weak, temporary wall I had made when the car finally stops. On its own, the car would have gone through the wall as if it were a sheet of cloth. I let out a huge breath of relief and slump on the hood as I try to regain some strength after all that physical exertion. Maybe I should join the team as coach wanted, a part of me remarks and I agree. After a moment though, the nausea comes up and I barely manage to turn to the grass next to me to avoid ruining the car. Cleaning it is a job I do not want or need right now.

With this thought, the reminder comes of why all this happens, and so as soon as I recover, I remove all those dangerous bungee cords and stuff them in the trunk quite roughly as if I was trying to take all of my anger out on these inanimate objects. But I am not. No, I am saving those anger to make Kev and Luke two inanimate objects. So I sit in the car and ride back all the way up after dragging the car back to the road, fuming as I mentally list all the ways I could kill them for this.

This was wrong on so many levels that it wasn't funny at all. First they break my faith in them by trying to sneak in while I was having my secret stuff, which was secret for a reason. Then they called others to come and join them, even Kylie. How will I look into her eyes again? And when they should have left things alone, they risk my life. What were they thinking? Were they thinking at all?

I park a little before I reach the top so that I calm down a little to deal with them. I needed to get them quiet about this. And no excuse was big or small. Hell, even the truth was not out of the question. Anything to keep this quiet. If dad finds out...

Before I realize it, I am running to them, afraid of what might happen. A part of me moans that I should have quit when the mood was broken but I ignore it. I will deal with everything later but I need to stop them. I am almost breathless again by all the exertion I have had today.

Kylie spots me before I spot her and she immediately calls for me. I barely turn to her as she wraps herself around me, still sobbing. I hug her in return and try to comfort her with a lot of 'I'm sorry'. I dare not to speak the love word because I don't want to say it to her in these conditions. I am tempted but I have to consider that she won't like to hear it right now.

She pulls away from me and SLAP! I look at her angry blotchy face stunned in shock as she begins crying once again as she asks me, "Why Andy? Why did you almost suicide?" I am shocked beyond words by this. As I look for words to comfort her, I try to observe all I did on the cliff as a third person. Unfortunately, she's interpreted what anyone would.

"Kylie, look at me. I want you to look at my eyes while I say this so you realize that I am not lying. Look at me Kylie." I say to her and she looks at me with an angry expression, but not before turning her head away and wiping away her tears. For some reason, it hurts that she couldn't even let me remove them. I cup her face in my hands and stare directly into her eyes as I speak, "I was not trying to kill myself. I know you will revive me to kill me again if I did. Girl, I needed to do that for a reason. I will tell you all about it later but first, I got to know. Did you tell anyone about this? No one, absolutely no one can know what happened here. Do you understand this, Kylie? This must remain a secret." Her eyes widen as I speak, probably realizing what I am implying, but she nods and I relax, knowing that she believes me now. I kiss her forehead and then hug her once more.

"I didn't tell anyone. I could barely function as I saw you run. You look quite... nice when in danger." She whispered to me and I smile at her. Then, gently covering her ears, I scream, "Luke! Kev! Get here right this instant or I swear I will murder and bury you two right here!" She flinches in shock but by the time, I let go of her ears, she is smiling. "Thanks for the ear protection." She smiles before fear returns to her face again. "Don't do anything like that again." I know she wants me to promise her but I can't, not right now and she always catches me when I am lying. So I simply respond with a 'We'll all talk in detail all about this. Please let me deal with them first.'

Kev comes running up just as Kylie is nodding at me. I turn and see that although scared, he is now also a little relaxed. But I am not going to go so easy at him. "Kevin Parker Simons, you idiot are-"

"Yeah, you should have seen him. He drove off the cliff! Crazy right?" Luke comes in sight while talking on his cell and I freeze mid-speech. And in a voice that even I don't recognise as mine, I shout, "Luke! Hang the freaking phone up or I will beat the hell out of you. Hang up NOW!" Kylie winces but I can't even care. Luke frowns at me and hangs up before coming to me. And before I know it, he is lying on the ground with his nose broken and me standing just over him. Kylie and Kev both shout my name but I am beyond caring. Everything I feared is going to come true. "What part of 'Don't call anyone' did you NOT understand?" I ask him and even I can hear the deadness in the voice. Luke is angry and almost about to fight back. If he jumps me, I certainly won't hesitate but Kylie interrupts us, "Luke, what did you do? He wasn't committing suicide! He was going to explain it all to us. We can't have this thing go out. Who did you tell? Can you think of what happens?" Kylie explains and my mind responds, contemplating the scenarios to occur.

First it spreads among my classmates. Then someone lets it slip to the parents and then the whole town knows. In short, total humiliation. It all goes through his mind as well and although the anger doesn't fade, he looks apologetic and says, "I didn't think of that." Then he turns to me again, all furious now, "What the hell were you doing, man?"

In a now defeated tone, "I'll explain. But first call whoever you told it and bring that person here. I can't have this leaking out." Just then all three of their phones beep, alerting that there has been a tweet by someone in the group. As soon as Kev pulls his phone out and reads it, his face falls. And I know. Kylie gasps but I don't care. I fall down exactly where I was standing. Kylie tries to comfort me while Kev talks to Luke and they seem to walk away but it doesn't matter at all.

"The tweet. Show me." I croak out, feeling a lump form in the throat. Kylie looks like she doesn't want to but she seems to see the defeated look I wear and shows it to me. It is my biggest fear come true.

CamBrwn tweeted '@AndyPeters jst attmptd SUICIDE by drving off the cliff!'

"I'm sorry, Andy." Kylie responds when I just lower my head further. Some parents also followed their children via fake accounts to keep track of them. I know Cam's did because I had made an account for Mr Brown myself. It seems the entire town will find it out tonight in one single swoop.

"God, now I feel like committing suicide." I moan and Kylie stiffens next to me. But she doesn't say anything. What could she possibly say to comfort me? That it'll get better? Witchbury Falls is a small town. People never forget. They still haven't forgotten my parents' marriage even now. A desperate idea comes to me and I ask, "Kylie, can we try to do damage control? Try to pass it as a joke on Cam?" She doesn't respond and I understand. She knows we can't do that after Luke was that excited. Cam knows how to catch a lie whenever someone in the group tries lying. It is then Kylie responds, "Maybe we can ask Cam to post an hour later to tweet that this was all a joke to get everyone riled up." I consider it and figure that after hearing me out, he would understand. "But we will need to give it time to be considered a successful prank." She adds and still, I feel a little lighter. So I speak the words I was afraid to speak moments ago, no longer afraid of tonight's consequences, "I love you Kylie."

Her smile freezes on her face as she looks at me in shock and then it melts into an expression of pure joy. She opens her mouth to say something but I put a finger on her mouth and say, "I really do and it took this 'suicide attempt' to truly realize how much. But even if you do feel the same, I can't have you say them back to me. Not tonight. But I want a promise from you. A promise I might extract depending on how this goes. Trust me, Kylie and promise me that you will do as I ask you to promise." Her face now shows fear and it takes a few moments before she quietly responds, "I promise."

And considering what is the best for her, I tell her, "If this attempt fails, I want you to walk right back home and to anyone curious, you were at the party. When you read the text, you tried calling me. My cell is broken so I didn't pick up. Then you called Kev and he passed the phone to me. And then, once confirming that this did happen..." My voice clogs up as I force myself to speak, "... broke up with me. Shh!" I put a finger to her mouth again as she tries to speak. She is now scared and panicking. "I cannot have this taint you, Kylie. You promised. Now hold your word. So after... that, you returned home. You weren't here, Kylie. Get that." I don't remove my finger this time. She nods but is close to tears so I simply say, "Maybe you won't have to resort to this. We just have to convince Cam."

At that moment, Luke walks in. "Remove that post Cam. I got fooled by Andy and Kev." He speaks into the phone as he looks at us and nods, understanding everything he just listened into. "Yeah, you don't believe me? I don't care. Remove that post Cam. Just remove it right now!" Cam has a habit of not taking back his words so I can relate to Luke losing his patience. Kylie walks up to him and I look at her in surprise, wondering at her actions. Before I realize though, she is taking to Cam, "Remove the freaking post Brown! Or I swear I will post every dirty secret of yours on there!" Uh oh, Cam never responds to threats well. And I get a bad feeling when he hangs up on her. That bad feeling is confirmed by the notification of another tweet. This time, Kev, who stood silently in the side so far, responds. "It's another tweet from Cam. _Tht twt about Andy's suicide. TRUE! Ask Kylie, Kev or Luke. They are with him. Kyl, bring it on!!!!!!!_ '"

We all look at each other with a defeated expression. Kylie bursts into tears. Kev apologizes, "I didn't know you were going to do that. I would never have told anyone you knew. Why did you do it, though?"

"For the rush, Kev. In the one moment, when fear took over, the adrenaline rush was glorious. I felt invincible. If I had a regret regarding anything in that moment when my mind believed that I truly will die, I knew what I had to do. Tonight I was wondering if Kylie and I were ready." I turn to Kylie and continued, "I didn't want to lose you if you weren't ready and then regretted it. Also the rush is addictive and after having lived on it for so long, 12 years almost, I was a serious addict. You know what happened when I tried to share this with Simon. And when I tried to quit, I had ended up depressed, unable to feel emotionally connected at all." I explain it all, feeling no need to hide anything anymore. "All the stunts I ever did were very well planned with no room for error." A self-deprecating laugh escapes me though. "I obviously didn't factor in nosey friends, though. I thought the excuse of 'secret stuff' would keep you guys away. Foolish me." I don't even know when the hysterical laughter turns into sobs, only that Kylie comes to comfort me while the other two keep mumbling apologies. She keeps suggesting potential solutions, the most plausible being asking Mr Winthrow, Ms Aubrey's fiancée, for help but there isn't a reason why he would help. And it would still be too late.

A few moments pass before I remember what had to be done, "You came here to check if the tweet was really true yourself, Kylie. It wasn't and you tried to convince Cam otherwise but failed. Betrayed by my lack of trust in you, though, you broke up with me. And now, you're going to leave." Her look of confusion turns into one of horror as she realizes what I am asking her to do. Moments ago, we were hoping that this wouldn't need to be done and now... "You promised." I whisper to her, no longer even trying to look at her to hide my hurt.

Seeing that I am unwilling to change my decision, she slowly gets up and leaves and none of us interrupt her. And it is only few minutes before all three of us hear it. The sirens. The police. Trying to suicide, although not a crime, is still an alarming act that requires intense care and observation. They seem to be here in case of the fact that I tried again and succeeded.

And soon enough, the police car comes to us and stops. None of us even bother with an explanation. What can we try to explain? That we were trying stunts? Officer Garrows, Nik's father, comes out of the car, along with my dad and I lower my head further. They both look scared but when they see me safe, it turns to anger. Dad reaches me first, "What were you thinking?" I don't know if he realizes but he is trembling himself and as he shakes me, I fear the places he grabbed me bruise.

"Leave him Donald, it is official matter now." Officer Garrows calms him down and Kev takes him away, with them talking about something, most likely me. "Jonah Andrew Peters, you are under house arrest now. You shall have no contact with any person out of the house, except for law officials or your parents, at all."

###  CHAPTER 6

15 days from the present day

Things only got worse after that day. Whatever relation I had with my father evaporated in the moments in which he had shaken me on the top of that mountain cliff. Now we were two strangers living in the same house with no idea how to even interact with the other. Words were filled with an underlying tension, as if I might try another suicide, or daredevil attempt, on hearing a wrong word or if he might shake me, yell at me, hit me or worse, cry at being defeated by the situation. I wasn't so weak that I might resort to those things he expected me to do but I knew he might do those things I expected him to do because he had done them before. It didn't matter what we were discussing, ultimately our conversation attempts always came to a single question: Was I subconsciously trying to kill myself all these times? I had no answer to that.

That first day, the air was so thick with suppressed emotions that I felt like choking on them. Dad was pacing in the living room, receiving calls to assure others that his 'suicidal' son was really safe. The news had spread into the entire city like forest fire. Despite, Officer Garrows instructions, everyone showed up for a visit, as if hoping that if I heard some rebuke from them, I will be magically 'cured' from whatever this 'teenager' phase I was going on. But Dad, the one person I really wanted to talk to, never came up. I came up with the excuse that he was scared of failing as well and so he didn't want to try to convince myself that it wasn't something else. Kevin was grounded as well, as he too was believed to have been helping me, as per Cam's tweet.

Thankfully, Kylie convinced a few of her friends, who were at the party, to vouch for her presence when the first tweet had gone off. There was nothing that could be done to lie about her location at the time of second tweet so, thankfully, she went along with my story. People didn't like her, as they still disbelieved her, but at least she was sympathized with as well. Me? Every visitor hesitated before speaking every word as if it might set me off again. Mom was hysterical and only because she had urgent job the next day that she agreed not to come running. Yet. That night I barely slept as I heard, not enough muffled, sobs of my father. I didn't believe things could go any worse. I was wrong.

The very next day, Kevin told me, sneaking in by climbing the wall outside my room that things had just gotten from bad to worse. Cam had just tweeted my real reason for that stunt. Kev reasoned that Luke must have told him the truth to make him confess that the previous tweets were fake. Instead, it gave Cam to give the people the real version. As soon as I heard that, I knew everything was ruined with no chance to salvage anything. Once I returned to reality, I realized Kev must leave. He was still hanging by the windowsill when Dad burst into the room. And for the first time in my life, I cowered from him as I saw the anger in his eyes. It was accompanied with rage and hurt. "Is it true?" Three words that had taken all his strength to come out in control. My expression spoke faster than anything else because before I could realize anything, he slapped me. Then he slapped me again. "I knew you went through our divorce too easily. Madeline didn't want to believe me but I knew those cuts and bruises weren't from simple accidents and so I stayed quiet. I suspected things when you were depressed while you had been grounded but this?" He kept muttering and then, he slapped me with each sentence, "And you kept lying. Risking yourself over petty things. Caring for nothing but the addiction." I would have responded if he had let me or if I had a comforting response for his accusations. But the truth was I had known for a long time that this was wrong. By the time he regained control, I was barely standing with my head bowed. It wasn't because of pain, to be honest, I didn't even feel them really, but because of shock that he hit me and lost control. He was shocked as well and, showing clear expressions of guilt, he had left me alone for the rest of the day. Officer Garrows came two hours later, and while last time he had pity, this time he only had disgust. If I hadn't heard his car pulling up, I wouldn't even have known he came. My house-arrest was no longer effective and from what I could hear, he barely controlled himself from insulting me further. Though he did suggest that I should go into therapy. A suggestion that stuck to both me and my father. At least Kev and Luke were spared from being arrested for abetting me in suicide.

My house-arrest may have been over but I still didn't leave the house. Mr Johnson visited that afternoon as I was making a sandwich in the kitchen and when our eyes met unexpectedly, I saw the clear disgust in his eyes. It made me feel filthy and I hated both of us for it at that moment. I knew I was no longer the 'nice Peters kid' anymore, I was a freak now. A bad seed. I had immediately left from his line of sight but stayed in hearing range. 'Alone' now, he muttered words like 'such a disappointment', 'unbelievable' and 'bad influence' before Dad entered the kitchen. He began the chat with a "Donald, we need to talk."

What followed it in the chat would be something I heard a lot in the next few days in different wordings. Claiming how my behaviour was so unexpected and disappointing. How I had shamed his name. How they hoped that my Dad wouldn't mind if they had their children away from me. How they were all taking guard now to ensure something like this didn't happen with their children, though their haughty tone clearly expressed how improbable they thought this idea was. Even the church's reverend, Mr Samson, Simon's father, had said similar things.

They didn't know how much my dad reacted to all this. To them, he was the shamed parent who was regretful of his child's behaviour and talked to others with politeness. No one knew that every evening he went into the woods with an axe for hours or that how much he let his emotions out along with his thoughts as he attacked the trees mercilessly. But he kept quiet because ultimately, they were right. I was a bad seed. This time I didn't hope that the next day wouldn't be worse but instead I prayed for it. Like that of Ed's so many years ago, mine failed as well.

Next morning, I woke up to the sound of glass crashing. I ran to the source, only to see a newspaper had been thrown through the window. I froze as I saw it, clearly seeing the hate behind it. Dad didn't though, and ran out to yell at the twelve year old paper boy. It is only when he came back inside and saw my horrified look that he finally realized that something was wrong. Attached with the paper was a note with only one word. A word I was now beginning to think as synonymous to me: Freak.

"Go upstairs Jonah." Dad had said quietly and I had left with the paper, too shocked to do anything else at all. It had been in the front page headlines. "Local thrill seeker attempts suicidal acts." The entire issue was full of accounts of how shocked everyone was at my behaviour and some articles by shrinks who tried to explain what could be my motivation, slandering my entire family's reputation in their theories. There wasn't much news not related to me but I tried to focus on only them. And then, I spent the rest of the day staring outside the window, doing nothing else as I kept trying to forget that kid's look.

Later that day, he told me that he had complained to the kid's parents and hoped that things would be resolved now. That entire day I stayed in my room with the door open, ignoring Kevin's pleas who, now free but still banned from talking with me, kept trying to get in to talk. I prayed once again that things improved. And once again it failed.

The hate message next day was longer than one word. Filled with crude words and curses, it basically demanded that I just kill myself for real this time. This time it was I who ran out and shouted the kid, "What do you think you are doing?" I was angry but even I froze when I heard his response.

"Doing the town a favour and telling a freak to do what he really wants." His words were laced with an extra heavy dose of hatred and I couldn't do anything as he just cycled away, screaming nasty words to me. Feeling numb, I turned and saw Dad standing in front of me. His face was drained of blood, probably horrified as well, and then he took a step towards me, his entire posture trying to protect me. Accepting the numbness, I just walked from beside him, ignoring his calls to me. He didn't leave the house that day to protect me. We were still unable to communicate but now he had finally realized that things weren't easy for me and he had to step up as the role of his father, despite how hard things seemed. But those hateful words had also brought the seed of doubt that haunted us both. Did I really want to die? At least no one from news channels showed up for interviews or stuff. That would have made things even worse.

Trying to make me settle back into normal life, Dad sent me grocery shopping next day. I walked to the shops, preferring not to take the car. I don't think Dad would have let me take it anyway. Everyone who saw me in the town froze and stared at me. I kept my face neutral, trying to ignore their gawking at the 'freak'. I had to really struggle when I saw a mother pull her two eight year olds closer to her to protect them from the 'freak'.

The scene when I entered the grocery shop was also similar. Absolute silence as I got all that we needed while other sent hateful and disgusted looks at me, which I faked ignoring while feeling every one of them hit me like a dagger into the heart. I greeted everyone as usual but only icy silence was my response. When it was my turn to be billed, the cashier went on an unscheduled break for half an hour. Since I was the last in line, he showed no interest in hurrying. And then when he did bill me, he added the costs of a pack of cigarettes and a bottle of liquor as well. I protested but he only replied with a "Who do you think others would believe, Andrew? A nice employee or a suicidal freak?" I refused to pay the extra costs, not willing to let him bully me, and not backing down, he called the manager and then the cops. Officer Barrons showed up and chose the cashier's side immediately when he saw that I was involved. I didn't only have to pay for them, I also had to pay a fine for disturbing peace and quiet. I didn't miss the hatred in their eyes.

Upon returning home, I told Dad about the entire incident. He believed I was right but I didn't miss the look of suspicion and confusion in his eyes and I realized that the cashier was right. Now I was not only a suicidal freak, I was also the least reliable person in the town. Still, he consoled me, hoping that my friends would understand and behave well. I left him as soon as I finished dinner after telling him to ask Kevin directly to not talk to me at school tomorrow.

As I laid down that night to sleep, I felt down. I couldn't find anything to be happy for. Nothing to look forward to. I felt sad and empty as I laid down on my bed. Having lived through this already, I knew what was happening. My high was fading quickly this time, probably because of the recent events, and depression was trying to settle in. As I laid down on the bed, I mentally panicked, wondering how I will deal with the depression this time. I fell asleep that night with no answers.

And the next day when I woke up, yesterday actually, I knew without a doubt that the high really was almost gone. That coupled with the fear of people's reaction to me made me want to skip school but Dad, probably feeling my nervousness or guessing it correctly, drove me to the pizza place just a block before the school. Fourteen days ago, I was glad to be here but now, I would rather volunteer for human testing of some suspicious biochemical than be here. Because from the few looks I had gotten while coming to the school, I had realized that my fears were nothing in comparison. The day was going to be far worse. And it was.

One of things Kev once told me when he had snuck in to console me was "People are scared of different because they don't know what to do with it. They are scared of this inability. Give them time. Once they realize there isn't anything to be scared of, everyone will go back to normal. Well, not exactly normal, but almost normal." It was a lie but I mentally repeated it as a mantra as I walked in the school premises. I saw people loitering around before the bell rung, each busy in their own world. Luke, Kevin and Kylie were talking among themselves while Simon, Cam and Nik were forming a different group, and the hostilities between the two groups was obvious. I kept walking, hoping to go by unnoticed when I crashed into some guy. And caught everyone's attention as the person yelled, "Watch it."

Instant absolute silence. I controlled my expression, something I was getting skilled at nowadays, as I looked at Jacob, now realizing that I had missed him. Being the football quarterback, no 'insignificant' messed with him and with my new reputation, I had no doubt I was one now. I held my breath for two seconds, hoping he didn't judge me. Because what the football team quarterback did, everyone copied. "Look who we have here." He sneered and I knew he had judged me guilty. "Our own thrill seeker, suicidal freak. Andrew Jonah Peters." His voice was filled with ridicule and some people around us laughed.

"Enlighten us, Jonah. What new thrill did you do in these days? Wasn't two week your usual delay between these two 'secret stuffs'?" He is right. I took at most two weeks before doing one. But that doesn't mean I am not embarrassed.

I am almost completely red as I response in a low voice, "Nothing, Jacob. I have stopped." It is a lie but I know this is my only chance to try to salvage this. Everyone waits, at least those who heard me do, for Jacob's reaction. He takes only a moment.

"Liar. Addictions are hard to kick. You should have thought harder Andy. I can practically smell your need for it, freak." He responds and the last word settles into my mind. I keep going through my thoughts that I don't even realize he has been speaking to others, "...depression right? Well, let's see how long you last until your next thrill. I bet if we push you hard enough, you would let us see one of your 'thrills'." A laugh that is completely insulting comes from him as he gives me a push before leaving away with an "It's a game on, freak."

And then I feel the disgusted looks, hear the mocking whispers and see how some try to avoid my gaze as if to avoid catching my addiction like a disease while others glare at me with completely visible hatred. High school just got a whole lot complicated.

I walk a little faster to get inside and away from all this hatred when Kev calls out to me, "Andy." In the time it takes him to come to me, with Luke and Kylie in tow, somehow I have managed to convert all of the down feelings into anger for those three. Until then, I held no resentment against them but now, I could only think of how they had started it all this I am facing. Some of the spectators are still watching, curious for what happens with the freak now. Even though I don't want to, I feel like they are going to get a show.

"Andy, ignore them. They are just uncomfortable. I told you. They will need time to adjust properly." Kev consoles me as Kylie puts her hand on my shoulder in a comforting manner. Luke, thankfully, doesn't say anything and just stands to the side watching me with an apologetic face. His hair colour is now back to its natural blonde. I take few silent deep breaths to try to control my anger and avoid a scene, for which I will undoubtedly get blamed for.

Then, as I take Kylie's hand on my shoulder, to which Kylie gives a little hopeful smile. At least she smiles until I begin to lower her hand away from me and speak to all three of them with words laced with as much anger as I can add, "And until they do, stay away from me."

Misreading my intentions, how I don't know, Kev says, "Stop this, Andy. You may be trying to protect us but we are not the ones who need protection. We need to be with you, Andy, so that this doesn't get to you. You'll see how much we can help." Kylie, at least, understands the impact his words have on me as she starts trying to calm him before he finishes and make him back off. But it is already too late.

"You don't need protection. You helped me? Let me thank you for that." Kev gives a relieved smile. One that I do not hesitate in wiping out with a punch and I definitely hear his nose break. "All this happened because of your help. So sorry if I don't want your help anymore." With this, I walk away from them to my locker, thankful that we avoided a fight because Kylie stepped in and stopped those two from reacting. Once I enter the building and feel those stares again, though, I feel guilt form from my action and words. But pride steps in and I refuse to back down, reasoning that they deserved it.

With a lot of strength, I ignore how people are now rudely bumping into me or how my locker has been decorated with a 'Freak' sprayed on it and continue on to my classes. Everyone reacts cold to me, even the teachers, and I know they all are following the crowd. Ms Aubrey even insults me in class for taking a moment before starting to answer her question, much to the others' joy. As I leave her class finally, with her giving me a load of 'special' work to submit the next day, I hope that other classes are better.

Every class follows the trend and even Coach, who wanted me to join the basketball team two weeks ago, now coldly awards me five extra rounds of the entire school campus because I didn't tie my shoelaces properly, ignoring some who came in fancy shoes for running. Although I didn't want to talk to Kev, I kept repeating his consoling words to myself as I ran, hoping that they did come true.

The worst, though, came once the school was over. Dad was going to come to the same pizza hangout he had dropped me by in the morning and so I left the building quickly, not noticing who was around me. Well, I didn't until a hand grabbed my T-shirt collar and yanked and I almost fell.

"You know what your silly addiction cost me, Peters?" Simon's hateful voice filled my ears. "Three years I have lived in the fear of water. I could not swim, I could not bathe and hell, in the first few days, I was so scared that I even refused to drink water. You remember that, don't you? I covered for you, thinking it was just a mistake I made by trying out something you discovered. But you hadn't discovered it, had you? You were trying to change me. To make another copy of you. But it all back-fired. And in my foolishness, while I suffered, you walked away unscathed." I didn't like where this was going but I knew that I had to hear it because although I hated others for judging, I couldn't hate Simon. I was guilty for him, after all.

"I tried to warn you. About the need of shoes." I protest meekly as I notice Jacob and Cam looking at me with new hatred. I also feel the tightening of Simon's grasp and so I quiet myself to stop angering him. But it is too late.

"You didn't warn me enough!" He bellows as he pushes me to the ground and kicks me in the ribs. "You ruined my life, Peters and I hate you for it. And now, I will ruin yours." He keeps hitting me in the ribs, and then on my hands, as I feel more legs join in.

"What is happening here?" Another voice yells and I freeze, partly in relief for myself and partly in terror for them, as I, through my filled eyes, look at Principal Mrs Johnson come into view. She looks at my attackers, Jacob, Cam and Simon, as they look at her unsurely. "Fighting is not Witchbury High. You three are suspended for a week, effective immediately." The response is immediate and they walk away with half-hearted apologies to her. Simon, though, does give me another hateful glare before leaving and I do not doubt that he will follow through his threat.

"And you, Mr Peters." Her voice, like the rest of adults, is also cold to me. "You have already lost your reputation because of your actions. I, and the rest of the town, would most likely appreciate it if you don't ruin others' as well." With that, she walks off as I keep looking at her in shock.

Remembering that Dad would be waiting, I quickly stand up and groaning in pain, I begin to gather my stuff and start walking to where he waits, undoubtedly angry for being late and probably suspicious of whether I am off doing another stunt somewhere. I cover up as much of my injuries as I can, knowing that the day isn't over yet. Even though the school is over, my problems aren't.

But even though I try to ignore her words, the meaning behind her words keep coming back to me.

The school is over and so is our responsibility of yours. Take your fights outside of school premises. Whether you live or your die is no longer our concern. Just don't ruin our reputation further.

###  CHAPTER 7

2 days ago

I had lied to Jacob when I had said that I didn't need the rush anymore. And from that very moment, I had set on trying to convince everyone of this lie. But it was hard. It still is. You can only force your mind to cooperate only to a certain extent before it gives up.

I hid my injuries that day pretty well. My ribs were bruised badly and I rested as much as I could. In school, I behaved like I always did, sans friends of course. Not that it mattered. Everyone still avoided me like the plague whenever they saw me and it kept increasing the pull of depression to just give up. And nine days later, when the suspended trio finally returned acting like gods, and being treated such as well, that's when the true bullying began. Dunking in toilets, targeting me for unnecessary reasons in P.E., ruining my locker so much that even janitor stopped cleaning it and keep filling teachers' ears against me. Not that the last one really needed to be done either. In every possible way they could think of, they publicly humiliated me. And no one stepped to my defence because either they were too scared or thought I deserved it all.

And when I returned home, it got worse. Threatening calls in distorted voices, hate messages, regular cases of vandalism and even sudden attacks just outside my home took place. The culprits were never caught and I couldn't just point anyone out either because it could have been anyone from the sports teams. Not that anyone would have believed me either. Everyone kept pushing me away from them and others and slowly the pull of the idea of giving up finally won.

Two days ago, in the morning, when I usually hurried off to school, I laid down in my bed with my eyes open and no other movement for hours. I kept staring at the art of the sky I had made on the roof of my room while redecorating. It looked just how it would on twilight from outside the window with birds and stars and stuff. It was the only thing that made me believe that I could really do things. But right then, it didn't help at all.

Dad finally came up when it was 8:01 AM in the alarm clock. School started at 8. "What's up Andy? Why aren't you off to school yet?" Maybe he didn't realize it but I noticed how he talked to me as if this last month hadn't happened. But it had. And I could never forget things I went through.

"I can't do it anymore Dad. I can't. I don't even want to live anymore." My voice is low when I begin but it cracks as tears come out while I finish. Having lived with a less severe case of this, Dad immediately recognizes the signs of depression and takes his seat by my side.

"So you finally broke." Dad mumbles and I look away from him, trying to make myself believe that he didn't mean it in a bad way. I don't succeed. The only response in my head is that he now has proof that he was right. I really was depressed because I didn't do that stuff anymore. And now he will scold me for being so weak. I swallowed a lump in my throat as I wondered how, if I can, I will deal with all that. And I realize I won't. Maybe this really would ensure that I should just give up and spare him and Mom the misery. She calls me daily with some happy memory of ours to make me smile. It helped until the day she slipped up that she was talking to a psychiatrist on advice for her depressed son. After that, they just became another reminder of the pain I was causing them.

"Andrew, you have a problem, you face it son. You don't run from it. And these last few days, all you have done is run. I am surprised at how well you managed to hold on to maintaining your charade." Even though a part of me notes that he doesn't sound angry or cynical, I feel my feelings take a turn for the worse as the last words keep ringing out in my head. Staring at a 'The Libertines' poster I bought online, I ask him in a somewhat controlled voice, "When did you knew?"

He strokes my head and slowly whispers, "I always did. You didn't really expect to fake emotions at me, did you? You are so strong to have held out this long." I wait for the other shoe to drop as I process the fact that he did have pride while saying that sentence. The other shoe better drops quickly, I pray. Because the longer he takes, the more it will hurt. And then a part of me wonders if that is what he really wants.

"I know things haven't been easy on you. Even I have noticed how they treat you. Which is why I tried to keep pushing you in their view so they just adapted and dealt with it. But it seems that people here are more stubborn than I thought. They still haven't budged an inch and Simon's confession hasn't really helped too." _Here it is_ , I think as I try to control any tears from falling out. In indirect words, he had just said that _his_ opinion towards me hadn't changed yet. _And they won't change any time soon. I wonder what he will do now. Send me to a mental asylum? Or keep me in a strictly grounded? He wouldn't try to get rid of me to save himself, would he?_

"Which is why, I made a decision to send you to your mothers' a week ago. Everything was arranged on both sides, except the tickets." He continues but I don't listen anymore. _He really is sending me away_. This time, tears do escape as I lay on my bed, feeling worse with every passing moment. Maybe I would just sneak out tonight and jump from the edge of the falls to the rocks. That would finish me off.

I am distracted from my thoughts when he wipes my tear away and says, "I don't want to send you away either, Jonah, but I have to." _Oh so comforting lies_. "I saw how much hurt you were on the first day back to school. But I didn't know what to say, I was still so much hurt by your actions." _He knew and he didn't do anything about it_. "And now, to see you like this, I feel so helpless and lost in helping you, the only thing I can think of is how much a change in scenery would help." _To me or to your reputation_? "It is cowardly of me to send you away but I don't know how to make all this better to you _." I don't either. Dying would be an escape though_. "And your unwillingness to live right now? It scares me so much that I cannot even bear to leave this room." _Because you don't want me to give up in your care._

Fortunately, he runs out of words to further depress me. And then begins the awkward silence. He stares at his shoes while I look around the wall. The 'collage' wall of the pictures of our entire old group. My wardrobe which still has some clothes spilling out. The study table which has more fashion accessories on it than the books. And my painting stuff which I loved to do once but couldn't even imagine lifting the brush anymore. Things that remind me of the life of another Andrew who lived here until a month ago. These things now haunt me. They make me hard to breathe as they keep reminding me of what I have lost.

Thankfully, I hope, I am pulled from these thoughts by some knocking on my door. We both look at it in surprise when Kevin's head pokes in and ask, "May I come in?" _So formal._ A detached part of me notes that being formal shows the distance we want to make with other people. After Dad nods, he enters immediately and asks, "Are you alright, Andy? You didn't show up today."

Feeling all the pain and embarrassment I have been through at school come back at sight of him, I barely manage a neutral tone. "Leave". Dad, thankfully immediately sensing I don't want him around, says, "Kevin, could you come down with me for a moment? I would need a little help today."

The change in Kevin's posture is immediate. I see how his easy-going persona dissolves into a serious mode. _Thanks Dad. Have my breakdown posted in the newspaper, why don't you?_ Still, Dad runs his hand gently on my forehead before he leaves the room. _You just said you wouldn't leave me Dad and yet you are leaving me all alone._

I want to hear them but I am too scared to hear the hateful words he might say to Kevin about me which will forever scar my opinion of them both. If I hear something bad, I don't know how I would manage. I contemplate lying down on my bed the whole day but my personal obsession of being clean wins out finally. By continuously repeating the mantra of ' _stay clean no matter what'_ I force myself to brush my teeth and have a long cold shower. And I force myself to feel every single drop of water that falls on my body. To feel the coldness they bring. To feel the muscles relaxing under their steady flow. And when I am finally done, my depression hasn't lifted but I feel cleaner. Better.

When I walk out, I feel like I had been in the shower for merely a few minutes and so am very surprised to see that I have been bathing for an hour. I think about lying down on the bed again but being that lazy has never been my preference. Looking around my room, I feel a need to try painting again. To paint the blue skies. To paint one of those 'haunted' Victorian mansion I had seen, but not entered, in Anacresia. So I walk to the blank canvas I set up a few days before the 'attempt', as I now call it. To make myself feel something, I run my hand over the paper and feel its texture on my hand. And then I look at my painting equipment kept nearby and am suddenly stuck by uncertainty. _How do I begin?_

I consider starting with a blue colour for the sky in the background but then doubt creeps in and I wonder if I should start with the outline first. I usually don't need it as I let the borders fade but at this moment, I feel a need to stick within the lines. And so grabbing a light 3H pencil, I began to draw its outline. But the pencil shakes in my hands. I can't even draw a straight line properly. As I kept erasing it, hopelessness and irritation began to grow within me. I noticed them both growing equally as I kept grabbing the pencil too tightly so that it almost broke or completely loosening my hand and almost letting it fall from my hands as if it had been somehow balanced for so long between my fingers but it was now lost.

It must have been at most five minutes, but it felt like five hours had passed since I began and kept failing. Tears clouded my eyes and I finally grabbed the pencil so tightly that it snapped. And with it, I too somehow snapped.

What followed it is a haze but I do remember screaming and throwing stuff around until Dad and Kevin physically restrained me until the haze cleared. When I observed the room, all I saw was a one big mess.

Colours were covering the room in a non-artistic manner. The easel was destroyed so badly that I winced at the sight. The stuff on my tables were now everywhere on the ground and the large mirror was not so large anymore. In fact, I had some pieces embedded on my hands and I didn't even feel them. The art at the roof of my room was now ruined with the stray colour attacks. My wardrobe held no clothes anymore. All of my stuff, in short, was thrown around as if a hurricane had gone through this place.

It took some more time before I realized that Kevin and Dad were both speaking to me, trying to calm me down. And when I finally calmed down, for the while at least, they led me downstairs and while Kevin talked to me, Dad bandaged my hands. It wasn't anything serious or recent stuff that Kevin talked about. Just instances of the past when we were kids, before having met any of the others. Trying to have them a little relaxed, I smiled and nodded and laughed but even I heard the fake quality my laughter possessed.

"I won't get through this here, would I?" I finally broke the ice, unwilling to delay this conversation any longer even though I wanted to. The school was over by now and I had no doubt that soon the hate calls would begin. I didn't even realize I had been staring at the phone until Dad went over and disconnected it. Then I looked to Kevin and his sad expression and I wondered if I should have delayed further.

"As much as I would like so, no. The people aren't going to forget or let you forget all that has happened. And you need to forget and move on to heal, Andy. You have no idea how much this sucks to say to you but I want you to go. I want you to forget this, forget Witchbury Falls and forget... us." His voice cracks as he says this to me and I realize I feel only sadness, no more anger or depression. Maybe that snapping did help me a little. Behind him, Dad, who was listening to our conversation with no pretence to let us think otherwise, stiffens and I try, but fail, to imagine the hurt he must be going through at hearing Kevin recommend me to forget about this town, his home, my home. But he doesn't say a word to contradict him because he knows Kevin is right or maybe it is him who asked Kevin to convince me.

"And I know this seems like way too much to ask but I want you to promise not to return here back for a very long time." Kevin asks of me and this time the silent shaking of Dad's shoulders is making it clear that he is crying. When Kevin wipes mine, I realize that so am I. But he still doesn't object. So going against every part of me that lives and breathes freely in this small town, I promise him this. But my traitorous heart also makes a promise at that moment. To not let Kylie go.

We go back to my room after, despite my protests, Kevin and Dad clean it up as best as they could and we all pack my stuff to take to Mom's in Seattle. By the time we are truly done, it is dinner time. It's a silent dinner that night between the two of us, as Kevin's parents still don't let him stay near me for long, as we both consider and try to accept the fact that this will be our last night together in this house. Dad reconnects the phone before going to bed and just as I change for the bed, another call comes.

" _Hey freak! You dead or something. I hope you are. If you aren't, do us all a favour and then die!"_ It is followed by loud laughter and some background laughter. I hear it all through, trying not to let it get to me, before I hang up on them. Having spent the day with Kevin, I feel a little of my old self return as a prank comes to mind and when the caller calls again, no doubt completely angry, I respond in a quite perfect imitation of my father's sad voice, "Hi, you reached Donald Peters. I..." I make a hitching sound, as if my throat is clogged with tears, and I continue, "... am very busy planning for my son Andy's funeral. Please leave a message after the beep." And then I make a beeping noise.

I would have felt bad about spreading rumours of my own death but Kevin reasoned me that if these people had any soul inside them, then this would make them feel guilty. I only had to stay silent.

" _Holy- really? The fr- I mean, Peters' dead?"_ I hear some sharp inhalations on the other side as the caller tries to come up with something to say. But I do not respond. I want to know how this person reacts to the news. "So how did he die? He commit suicide. That's obvious, sorry. I mean how did he do it?" He sounds curious and amused and I know I am talking to someone inhuman. I hear some very low but stern voices and a part of me relaxes at the appearance of small, but now inconsequential, remains of humanity. Fortunately for me, since I couldn't fake being a machine any longer, the caller hangs up.

I wait for two minutes before I hear a loud thump from the back and Kevin rushes in, looking so pale that he might as well be a ghost. He has opened his mouth to speak, or scream my name probably, that he notices me and freezes with his mouth open. "Close your mouth Kev, flies will get in." I joke and he finally releases a huge breath.

With a smile, he speaks, "I just about had a heart-attack when Cam tweeted that you were dead." I smile at his concern while a part of me mentally confirm that Cam was one of the hate-callers and was probably around when this was done. The phone rings just as Kev slaps me on the back of my head in a scolding manner and I immediately pick this up, making a guess on who it could be.

"Andrew?" Kylie's cautious voice asks into the phone and I mouth her name to Kev, who is silently sitting across me with a questioning expression. Kevin smiles and barely smothers a laugh as I repeat being a fake recorded message. As soon as I finish the beep, Kylie responds just how I expected her to.

"Andy. You think this is a joke? And what was that trying to imitate your dad's voice? You know you are a fail in faking emotions, don't you? So what's this tweet about? You played the same message to those idiots? Of course you did." I had put her on the loudspeaker when she had started and both I and Kevin were holding our stomachs to hold in our laughters as she kept ranting on. "Stop laughing you idiot. And you too Kevin? Of course, it probably was your idea, wasn't it?" She continues, completely annoyed by our laughter. "Imbeciles!" She screams before going silent, into pout mode.

"Nope. Andy came up on this all on himself. I think I even hurt my knee when I jumped through my window when I got the tweet. Thank goodness this idiot's father had given me a key today so that I could sneak in with ease." Kevin speaks up as he tries to control his laughter. "He was just getting back to Cam, and most likely Jacob and Simon, for all the hate calls they have been making and Cam freaked out. He never really was the brightest bulb in the group." Outside, I hear someone knock on the door heavily and after quick goodbyes, I hang up and make Kevin leave.

I may not know how to act in general but I do know how to fake being sleepy. And I use this talent to answer the door, only to find Mr and Mrs Simons at the door looking scared. Once they look at my sleepy appearance though, the scared look changes into a confused one. In my best sleepy voice possible, I speak, "Mr and Mrs Simons?" Cue one large yawn. "What happened? Is everything alright?" They both look at each other confused and then Mr Simons turns to me and says, "I heard that you were dead."

I almost dropped the act as I tried to act surprised. "What?" I spoke out loud, trying to maintain a sleepy quality in my voice. "It's a lie. I am very much alive." I let out to state the obvious before continuing the charade. "Would you like to come in? Dad might be awake yet. I could call for him if you want." Then I made a show of turning around to call for Dad when Mr Simons held my arm gently and said, "it's okay. Don't worry Jonah. We can talk to Donald in the morning. Go to sleep son." If nothing else happened by this, like destroying Cam's credibility, at least I knew the Simons had recognized that what they had been doing was wrong and wouldn't stop Kevin from seeing me again. With this hopeful thought, I went to sleep yesterday knowing that even though I have to leave tomorrow at dawn, I would have made even a little impact in healing the bridges.

*****

The next morning, yesterday that is, when I woke up, the first thing I felt was the anticipation for what today would bring when I went to school. And then the memories of what had happened settled in and I felt a bit depressed. But then, a part of me, probably my heart, reminded me that I had one incomplete duty left to do. And so, literally jumping out of the bed, I sat down and wrote a letter, or rather a one-sentence note, to Kylie. _I will come back for you_. I had even written her address and inserted the note in the envelope before I realized its implications.

I was leaving her with a note promising to return for her, and indirectly requesting that she waited for me, while I would leave with no idea when, if I ever did, I will return. She would miss on her life because I am making her this promise. And although I wanted to have her all for myself, I knew I couldn't do that to her. It wasn't none of the 'let your loved one go free and wait for her to return to reciprocate the love' stuff. I knew she would wait, even if I didn't ask her to, but she shouldn't base her life on something so uncertain. So I threw that note away in the trash and wrote another one to her. _Move on and live your life to the fullest. Do not hold back to wait for me. Move on._

Basically I had given the girl I loved permission to date others and forget me. That obviously created a sadness inside me, which I hid for now. I got up and got ready for my flight, which was in two hours. I took one more look around my now almost empty room and then walked down the stairs, dragging my luggage behind me. Kevin was already there and it was obvious that he was trying not to let his 'allergies that caused eyes to leak' win. I walked up to him, unsure what to say. After all, what do you say to a childhood friend who unknowingly made you leave your home? We stood in awkward silence until Dad called out that my breakfast was ready.

"Don't get all sentimental on me already, Jonah. I am coming to the airport with you guys." He commented and I relaxed, glad to be able to enjoy his company a bit longer. I kept the envelope on the kitchen counter in front of my dad and as soon as he read the name it was addressed to, he opened his mouth, probably to ask me to ask her to come too. But I just shook my head because I knew leaving her would be even more painful than saying it to these two men. Dad unknowingly added a comic relief in the tense atmosphere when he asked us why people were coming to check if I was dead. Kevin and I laughed till our stomachs hurt as we explained what had happened, without mentioning the hate calls at all.

And then, when I could delay it no longer, we left the house I had lived in so far for the airport. I felt tears gathering in my eyes as the house disappeared from my view but I controlled them. I couldn't control the depression that came with it though. _My addiction cost me this loss. Was it truly worth it?_ It was. But I didn't feel the answer satisfactory. Thankfully, Kevin shook my shoulders lightly for attention and smiled at me even though his eyes were sad. And for that moment, I felt the depression disappear. And then I stared out the window of the car in which so much had happened and tried to memorize every brick of every building of every street of my hometown.

******

It was one hour before I properly settled in the flight. Saying goodbye was hard. Dad just hugged me and said, "Take care, son." And the only thing I could reply with was a 'you too'. Then his hug tightened for a moment before he said, "I'm sorry. I couldn't protect you." And the depression that I had controlled so far reared its head again as I realized that he blamed himself. And through the sadness, I only stared at the view in front of me as he finally let me go and stood a little far. _Now he is maintaining a distance. To ease his own pain of separation_. It shouldn't have, but it hurt. For some reason, I wanted to believe again that he was sending me away for his own good. But once again, Kevin interrupted, saving me from these thoughts.

"Hey Jonah." _He's calling me Jonah now instead of Andy to maintain an emotional distance._ My mind was going to drive crazy with these thoughts. "Buddy, I am sorry for everything that happened these days. You didn't deserve it." _Yes I didn't but had to go through it all because of you, my 'childhood best-friend'_. I didn't reply verbally. I couldn't. "I guess this is it, then. Goodbye, Andy. Stay in contact." I promised him that. After all, how could I not? _But not for long. We will soon drift apart._

As the flight had taken off the runway and, having a window seat, I got a clear view of the town I once called home, it truly set in. I was going away. And I couldn't go back. Not yet. And most likely, not ever. In the loneliness I was then stuck in, the depression acted in full force as every precious thing I thought about got attached with a dark thought.

Kylie. _Will move on and find someone else because I was an addict_. Dad. _Will be forever talked about behind his back for his 'freak' son_. Kevin. _Might as well refuse to ever accept that we even knew each other now that I was gone._ The people of Witchbury who I missed. _Will be relieved to have the 'freak' away so that they can raise their own free from the fear of them following the 'freak's' path. In short, everyone will be relieved to get rid of me and continue their daily life. Soon, but not soon enough, they will forget all about me and no one will even know me anymore. Not that anyone would care to remember me anymore._

Needless to say, by the time my flight landed in Seattle, I was a mess in the inside.

###  CHAPTER 8

Yesterday, after landing in Seattle

_This isn't my home. Nothing's the same!_ My mind kept screaming at me even as I met up with my mother. She looked beautiful as always, with her black hair pulled tightly in a bun. With only a bare touch-up with makeup, her appearance even in the grey non-descript business suit was turning head. Sickening, I know. "Hi, Mom." I smiled at her, a completely genuine smile I didn't think I could give.

"Hey, Jonah. How are you honey? You must be tired from the flight. Let's get your luggage and on our way so that you can rest. I have a spare room prepared for you to decorate however you want it too." She speaks as she kisses my cheek. She is genuinely happy to see me here but in the blue eyes I got from her, I can see that she is trying to hide her pain and fear. Dad's comments of their splitting up being the cause of all this must have hurt her badly too. As I look over her once again as we wait to get my luggage, I realize that aside from her black hair and blue eyes, I got almost nothing from her in my physical features. My olive-complexioned skin, my tall height and my well-defined facial bones were all from my Dad's side. Even granny had said that if I coloured my hair brown and closed my eyes, I would look exactly as my Dad did at my age. Mom's heels make a clacking sound as she waits and realizing once again that she was in work outfit, I ask, "Mom, where are you coming from?"

Surprised by my sudden question, she takes a moment to answer, "I was just at work, dear. I took the rest of the day off so that I can help you settle down properly and have a nice relaxing bath myself." Considering that she was a member of a team in advertising agency, thanks to her skill in coming up with suitable visualizations to the clients' requirements, it was a big thing for her to take a day off. I felt a little relaxed at this, comforted that she cared enough to take time off her job to help her 'disturbed' son settle. By now my luggage was in sight so I just said a thanks to which she replied, "Anything, son."

As soon as we stepped out of the busy airport, my mind once again whined that it wanted to go home. I faked a smile at my mom, which she probably saw through but didn't comment, as we got in her car, Toyota Camry Hybrid, a car quite common in this city, it seemed. More things that make me fade into another of those faceless beings we pass on the streets without taking notice of. The ride to the house was silent as she didn't speak anything to interrupt my deep thinking expression while my mind continued pointing out how everything was different in this place. By the time we reached her apartment, even I was sick of my whining. And depressed as this whining only pointed out that I had to leave home indefinitely because no one wanted me back there. Even the people here on the streets seemed too busy to notice anything outside of their own little worlds. _No one needs me anywhere. They won't even notice if I am gone._

The doorman greeted my mother when we entered with my luggage. It wasn't much stuff, only one travel bag, and even that was lightly packed. Mom's apartment was on 14th floor of the 18 floor building and considering my suffocating thoughts, even the elevator couldn't get us there quickly enough. After we settled in, Mom gave me a small tour in her newest house. She had bought this one just a month after my last stay, about eight months ago. It was a simple one with three bedrooms, a kitchen and a large balcony. The view was just perfect. I had the second largest bedroom of the house, which presently held only a bed with sheets, a table, a chair and a table lamp. It was nice to see that she gave me my own space to decorate. _But it is not home. It just doesn't have that feel._

After a nice relaxing shower and a long sleep to get rid of the jet lag, I woke up to see that it was already dark outside. And being in one of the busiest areas of Seattle, the street down below was full of cars. And the buildings in the distance shined like diamonds. I loved the view but I didn't feel anything good or inspired by it. I still wanted to just sit down somewhere and lay down as if I were a rock. And I could count the words I had said to my mother since I woke up on one hand. I felt bad about being ungrateful and unhelpful while she cooked but at the same time, there was a feeling to let things happen as they are and just do nothing. Even during the dinner, I kept pushing the food around as the thoughts of how all this was so different from home. Physically I had left the place but mentally, I was still there. In every inch of that place, I felt at home. And I wanted to go back.

"Jonah." Mom's voice breaks my thoughts and from her tone and expression, it is clear that it wasn't the first time she called me. "Honey, I don't think this change of place is helping you. Aside from that one smile you gave me, I have to see one sign that you love being here. And I don't mean the balcony view." She added when I opened my mouth to protest. "You know you have to finish your school here but you didn't ask anything at all. At first I thought you must be tired but now it has been an entire day without you asking me about anything. I even kept thinking you wouldn't have asked me anything about this apartment if I hadn't given you a tour. Jonah..." She then covered my empty hand lying next to the plate with her empty left hand and I knew I wasn't going to like what she said next. It was her tell. "... I think you need to see a psychiatrist." The spoon I held in my hand while hearing all this fell to the ground as I looked at her in shock. It was soon forgotten.

"I don't want to pressure you but you must realize that I am doing this for your own good. You won't talk, you won't explore, and you weren't even eating properly. I am worried about you Jonah. Donald told me that Kevin said that you told him that this was an addiction. And a shrink would help you get cured of it." She quickly continued when I didn't respond. _Great job Mom, you are now sending me to a shrink. Then, maybe you will deliver to the nuthouse too? God, I will never live this down. What if someone here finds out? Where will I go then?_

Thankfully since Mom, like Dad, didn't date unless she expected a serious relationship, it was clear that that wouldn't be how, if it does, this gets out. I began to open my mouth to raise my concerns but she began again. "I am so sorry Jonah but I was only looking out for you. I told Donald to get you one quickly so we could get an early start in curing it and put it behind us but he didn't think you needed one. But after what happened in the last month there and how you behaved here, I have to. Jonah, honey, please don't be angry." Mom is caring but not this much that every sentence is an apology. She must be seeing the psychiatrist herself for advice. Advice on how to deal with her depressed teenager son who prefers suicidal stunts to 'feel'. Can't really blame her, even I would seek advice of a professional.

Realizing she wouldn't give this up until I agree to her request, I give her an unbothered okay even though I am becoming a mess inside. _What will this shrink think of me? What if I am declared crazy and sent to be in a nuthouse? What if I have to live on some drugs like an addict? What if he accidentally tells anyone about me, someone with contacts? Would people make this a media circus for the unique form of addiction? What if it isn't curable?_

Before I can worry myself further, Mom gives me a smile and speaks, "I love you Jonah. Both I and Donald hope that you get better soon. We are here for you." Then we finish the rest of the dinner and go to bed, thankfully without any more discussion regarding this topic. This discussion was slightly less embarrassing than the 'bird and bees talk' Dad and I had when I was twelve. I still shudder from that one.

Dr Zachary Collins. That's the name of the shrink whom I had to see tomorrow. After hearing his name, all I could think of what kind of person would he be with his name. _Would he be kind? Cruel? Fat? Bald? Skinny? Hippy? Sensitive? Distant? He will probably dissect my brain and then publicly call me a crazy and send me to a nuthouse. I just want to be home. This place is getting worse by the minute. It's so noisy outside. And the lights, they might as well blind me. It is nearly eleven now, don't they ever sleep?_

So today, when I woke up, I really wasn't in the best of moods. When I did fell asleep last night, I tossed and turned as even a bicycle's ring woke me up. Who even bicycled at midnight anyway? Usually I was a morning person but as soon as I woke up and looked outside at the sunlight filtering into the room, I pulled the covers back up and went to sleep again.

When I woke up again, it annoyed me to see that only twenty minutes had passed. I took another ten minutes just to get off the bed and walk into the bathroom and it took an hour for me to be done there. _Couldn't the water be colder? I understand that it is almost December but that doesn't mean the water couldn't be colder. It would wake me up well. Well I am hungry. Might as well walk out and grab something to eat._

When I walked out, Mom was just finishing making pancakes. "Morning honey. I made your favourite pancakes just how you like it. Would you mind getting that chocolate syrup for me? It is on the top shelf of the cupboard. I can't reach it." _Ugh, I am not a kid anymore to need chocolate syrup. And why do you have a cupboard so high that even you can't reach it?_

The inner grumpiness didn't end then and there. Even when she served my breakfast, all I could think of was how fake her smile looked. _And the pancakes? She might as well be serving them burnt food to me. That's so dry! God, even that chocolate syrup sounds good now. This must be to ensure that I do behave at the psychiatrist_. "So how is it?" Mom asks excitedly. _Calm down woman, this isn't your first attempt cooking._

"It's fine." Her smile fades instantly. Oh no.

"Did I overcook them? Or are they undercooked? Maybe I mixed something incorrectly while making the batter. Sorry honey, let me make you fresh ones." _Please don't._

I made a show of gulping loudly before saying, "It's great Mom. Just didn't want to speak much while eating." I try to smile at her but I barely manage to keep it for a second. And then I bury my face back into those disgusting pancakes to hide how quickly it faded.

"Okay Jonah. Now I have to go to work. Your appointment with Dr Collins is half an hour past noon. You have the address right? I may take a break to get you there for the first time, this being a big city and all." _Okay, just leave already and let me eat this vile stuff in silence_. With no external response from me, she leaves after a moment of uncertainty. Once alone, I feel guilty for the rude behaviour I showed to her and decide to apologize later. Just because I am not sure about today doesn't mean I can be rude to others. She cares for me. I shouldn't be so hard. _She was being annoying though. She should have just left me alone. And all that apologizing last night? God, that was pathetic. This shrink doesn't seem to give that good advice. Maybe he isn't fit for me._

I spend the rest of the day just lounging around in the apartment like a lazy old man and only begin to dress for my appointment when its five past noon. Even though I want to, I don't think showing up in boxers only for the appointment would be appreciated. With this thought, I quickly don a pair of faded blue jeans and a green sweatshirt that advertises 'Angry Birds'. Fashion is weird. I am just fastening my sneakers when the door opens and Mom walks in.

"Andy! What are you still doing here? It's twenty past noon. It is a good thing I took that break or you would be late. Come on, now. The traffic would only delay us further." She points out. _Good, then I wouldn't have to go. Maybe I should have stayed in boxers._

Mom believes in punctuality and today, it is well tested as with some crazy driving – that is sure to earn her some fines – and a lot of dragging me with her to keep up, we reach there just before my name is called. "We are here." Mom screams as soon as the male assistant calls out my name and all the people, about ten or twelve in total, turn to look at us. I mean it. She screamed, not shouted or anything else. It was beyond awkward as she kept shouting that Andrew Jonah Peters was here even though they had their full attention on us. A few of the people waiting were in their mid-thirties and in short, they gave me the creeps. So at that moment, aside from being embarrassed by my mother's antics, I was glad that I made it just on time. At least I was until the shrink walked out of his office to greet me.

At first sight, my first thought was _who gave this man a psychiatrist degree? He looks just out of high school._ And it was true. He was my height with reddish brown hair and hazel eyes and looked like he was only twenty years old in formal wear. It was dislike at first sight.

"Hello, Ms Winters. I guess that this is your son, Jonah." He greets my mother while my mood worsens on the inside. _Stop talking about me as if I am not here_. Mom gives her usual smile at seeing a nice man and I mentally gag. _Please don't be interested in her_. Thankfully, he doesn't encourage her initial, and usually only, stage of flirting and turns to me. For a moment we both size each other up and I am pretty sure he sees exactly what I am showing him. I am here not by will and don't like him at all. And he gets extra dosage of dislike because of my mother's flirting attempt and his young appearance. I could bet he wasn't even thirty yet. Becoming a cougar now mom?

"Hello Andy. I can call you Andy right?" He gives me a smile that looks fake than what some of those plastic surgery enhanced models give. "Yeah." I speak in a sour mood and hearing my tone, both the shrink and mom respond. Both their smiles fade as mom scolds me with just a 'Jonah!' In response, I just cross my arms at him and let out a clearly hesitant 'sorry'. If the shrink doesn't get my opinion of him clear from these, I am gonna demand that he gives up his degrees.

"Alright, Andy it is then." The shrink tries again before turning to mom. "We will be in contact later Ms Simmons if need arises. Would you be coming to pick him up again?" To stare at him again, she probably would.

Which is why I pipe in, "Oh, she doesn't need to bother because I can go back on my own. There's no need to bother her." I smile sweetly at them both and am pretty sure they both see through it to my inner disgust as scenarios come up of them both being interested. Not what I need. Ever.

"Alright, then. Let's begin. Time's money." With that a fake laugh, he walks back into his office and I follow after a 'goodbye' filled with as much care as I could manage. _To him, time really is money._ As soon as I walk in his office, the first thing I notice is the interior decoration. Or the lack of it really.

The place is barely furnished, aside from some basic furniture and cabinets. And a green plant. The walls have no photo. Only a clock. Even with my worst imagination, I couldn't have come up with a terrible decoration like this. It looked like Dr Collins was just about to grab his handful of stuff and run away from this place before the real owner came and enquired where all the stuff went.

"Have a seat, Andy." Dr Collins says as he takes his seat on a single comfortable chair and opens his notepad. _He opens his notepad before even beginning._ _I shouldn't have behaved like that, giving him ammunition to declare me crazy._

"How are you feeling Andy?" He asks me and I wonder that of all the possible questions, why he started with the most obvious one. Asking if I feel suicidal and stuff.

"Okay." I say without a pause and in response, he lets out a sigh. Now that's confusing. Was that a good sigh, a bad sigh or 'I think you're crazy' sigh?

"Take a moment before answering. I want you to be as truthful as you can to me. Without your help I can't really help you. So, let's try again. How are you feeling?"

"Bored. Irritated. Bored again. Scared." The last one slipped out. I didn't mean to say that one but once I do, I see his pen freeze while writing. And as he looks back up at me, I can see that he is interested by the honesty I showed. He really wasn't expecting this. How insulting. How correct.

"Why scared Andy? What are you afraid of?" He prods and I feel like a dead frog being dissected live on national television. And this is not an exaggeration. Having slipped out already once and really willing to heal from this, I tell him the truth.

"Of being declared unable to be cured and shipped off to a nut- sorry, to a mental asylum. Of being a disappointment to my parents. Of never returning home to Witchbury Falls." I speak in a complete seriousness. And then, because it is one of my fears at the moment, I add, "Of you hooking up with mom." His pen stumbles as he looks up at me with a 'what?' and a blush. At least he doesn't deny it.

While he recovers, I peek at the clock and control a groan when I see that it has only been five minutes. "Don't worry about that, Andy. I... We... Let us just leave it for now. Now, tell me about your home, Andy." He asks after that stammer. And from his expression, he looks genuinely interested.

"Witchbury Falls, based on the waterfall nearby, is a small town really. From only what I have seen of Seattle, we can easily have twenty of it here. The people are nice, until you do something bad, that is." I can't help the bitterness that leaks out. "People love to gossip, whether it's true or not, even while trying to act all saintly. Reminds me of wolf in a sheep's clothing. At least nature is nice there. The weather is always cool there and the months of different seasons are almost fixed. The buildings though are ancient. I mean, one earthquake and the entire city will flatten in moments." Even I notice the faraway nature my voice has now acquired. As I talk about the place, I can feel myself there even now. "The sight of the town from the hill near the end of the town is beautiful, not that any kid would now be allowed anywhere near it. Similar is with the view of the falls. The view is so captivating that I could spend an entire day just staring at it and I still won't be bored. It feels like I am not on the same Earth that suffers from hunger, crime and poverty. It feels like I am in a special part of heaven." My voice is completely wistful and a tear falls down as I remember the calmness it brought and why I couldn't go back. It takes a moment to calm down. "Sorry about that."

He gives me a smile. "No problem. The place sounds absolutely magical. You really love it, don't you?" It is a question presented as a statement and I feel a little bit of me finally like it. Remembering where I am, I peek at the clock again only to see that more than half an hour has passed. After that, Dr Collins asks me about various stuff related to me like how were the people I lived with for the various years. What I liked to do at home."

I answer them as much truthfully as I can but even I can feel myself keeping things from them. And I know why too. The change in behaviour that took place last month has altered my perception and there is a bitterness when I recall what I have lost. And soon, our time is almost up. Only five minutes are left by the time his questions are answered, unsatisfactorily according to both of us, and we still haven't mention the main reason we are here. The reason I am here with him.

"Andy, I really appreciated all the work you did but we both know you weren't completely open. I tried various approaches but every time things seemed to get very personal, you closed to me. As a result of these recent events, you have become bitter. But you aren't really releasing it. Considering your answers, you are afraid of being judged even though the stuff eats you on the inside. Which is why, my only advice to you is to keep a journal and record the events related to the stuff that happened in the last month so that you can let your true emotions and feelings out. You can write until the end of this session, no need for a word-to-word transcript, of course. If anything feels hard to write, I recommend writing it here. When you are done, we can pick up from there after I read it. Now I just said I would read your journal. This doesn't mean that you should lie or hide things in it. Be honest, be truthful and be complete. It is only to help you. And no lying to me either. I am here only for helping you." Dr Collins suggest and I agree with him.

Just before I leave though, I finally ask, "No medication?" He looks up at me surprised, no doubt thinking that I had left already instead of standing at his door, and gives a small amused laugh before saying, "The medication is for extreme cases. You have shown signs of extreme cases in past behaviour but it isn't anything that serious. I prefer no side-effects and so rarely recommend medication. Still, to calm you, I will give your mother one bottle of anti-depressants when your condition absolutely worsens. Whenever you want to come here to write the hard stuff, I want you to inform my assistant a day before so Bryce can make an appointment, alright?"

I was just about to close the door behind me when Dr Collins looked up from his notes and said, "Oh, Andy. One more thing. You aren't crazy."

I cannot emphasize the power words have over us. They can make us or they can break us. And those three words made me. They gave me strength as I left his office with a genuine smile. I am not crazy. It became my mantra. My power. My strength.

And now, as I close this journal finally having come up with what happened so far, until that particular session with Zach five weeks ago. Apparently my fear of them hooking up has now some credibility since he indirectly expressed interest in her. God help me.

As for school, I have been doing all the assignments and stuff from home while going to school only for tests. Mom pulled a lot of favours for that. And now, I am ready enough to go back to school to finish my senior year. Zach made me accept that what happened at Witchbury High was wrong. People, especially adults, shouldn't have reacted as they did. He didn't need the journal to know what had happened. I almost had a panic attack when mom first mentioned me going to school and we had to arrange an emergency session next day where I confessed all that had happened. Unwillingly, he gave me sleeping pills for that night. And it took an entire week worth of sessions to finally help me exorcise that fear. It is now seven minutes past midnight now and I feel sleep coming on. My journey isn't over. The road to recovery is long. But I finally see the finish line at the end and for now, that is enough.

I will close this final entry on the very words that gave me hope.

I am not crazy.

### EXTRA: THE NEW GUYS

"Honey, if anything happens then call me immediately, okay? Or call Zach." Mom instructs me as we drive past the blur that is the city of Seattle, my new home of five and a half weeks. I don't know if I even respond as I try to keep my breathing even. Nothing but my thoughts wade in even as I struggle to get them under control. _Will everyone already know about me? Is this the right choice or am I just feeding my ego? Would they treat me worse than in Witchbury High?_

All of a sudden, a hand touches my left shoulder and I jump in my seat with a shriek. I immediately turn and feel the guilt gnaw at me internally as I see Mom's hurt and confused face outside of the car. I hadn't even realized that the car had stopped before she snapped me out of my thoughts. And I responded at her with a shout that could not be misinterpreted. "Sorry mom. I was just distracted." I apologize while internally wincing at how clearly my weak voice reveals my inner feelings. It isn't the voice of a distracted teenager. It's the voice of a little kid scared out of his mind about to do something he fears the most. A voice that would concern even the most careless parent and my mom has been the farthest thing from careless.

"Maybe this wasn't such a good idea." She murmurs and I feel despair pool within. More than just the return to school, this was a test to see if I can ever manage to settle back into the society easily. If I give up today, I am not sure that I would ever be confident enough to try again. I feel the scars of the past trying to consume me while I stand just out of their reach. Many things scare me, most of which are a result of the past three months, but this fear of never-emerging from the grip of fear is the most powerful and I don't want to let it have me. If I can defeat nothing else, I will still try to defeat this.

"No, mom. Let me give this a try. Otherwise I will always look back and regret this." I plead in a stronger voice. I figured she wouldn't deny me and would agree with a little persuasion. After all, she had been so caring for my choices and hadn't tried to force me into anything.

Which was why my eyebrows raised above my hairline when she sarcastically snapped at me, "Oh, yes. I should do it because you don't want any regrets, do you? Oh no, you can risk your life for silly things but not have regrets. What will you try to know if you really regret this one, Andrew?" The last thing I notice on her face is the beginnings of guilt replacing the anger as I fall deep inside.

_She doesn't trust me. She hates me for it. She will never forgive me. It will always be the unacknowledged elephant in every room I will ever be in. She won't forgive me. She can't forgive me. I always remind her of all that happened. Of what she believes is her role in forcing me this way. I should have died. I should have just given up. I should have let that car crush me. I am not crazy but to the rest of the world I will always be. Should I accept it as well? Should I let it define me? It seems it already does, why should I fight when I have already lost?_ It's getting harder to breathe. I can hear mom speaking but it sounds as if she stands very far and is speaking through water. _Am I that big a burden on her that she can't even bother coming near me to talk? Am I such an embarrassment that she can't even stand next to me in fear of being despised of having a son like me? On having a loser like me? And here I thought I could take on the world without any sort of failure. I couldn't even convince my mom I was normal, for God's sake!_

"Andy, can you hear me? Focus on my voice Andy. Focus." A voice penetrates my thoughts and I instantly follow it. "Good. Take deep breaths Andy. Do as I say, Andy. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale." I do as the voice suggests and after a few deep breaths, I can hear other things too. Of my mom sobbing at a distance. Of my own wet cheeks. Of my own uncontrolled broken sobs. I feel the presence of a man standing next to me and feel warmth and comfort from his presence. Zach. It has to be him. He's the only one who could be helping me. He's the only one who believes in me. "Very good, Andy." _Yes_ , my mind points out. _It is him_. "Now slowly open your eyes, Andy. Take a deep breath while opening them." I open them slowly and realizing at the same time that I had closed them. I open them and am disoriented to see that we are no longer on that blurred side of the road and instead in the parking of his office building. _When did I get here?_

"What happened?" I ask in a slightly groggy voice and Zach frowns at the question as if I asked him the meaning of life.

"You had a panic attack." He states in a simple tone, as if instead of telling someone he had a panic attack, he is saying that the weather is nice. Giving me mere seconds to process that I just had a panic attack, he continues. "Continue the deep breathing exercise and answer my questions as best as I can." _Duh, I know the drill, doc. I had one a week ago, remember?_

"What day is today?"

"Monday."

"What date is today?"

"June 9th, 2013."

"What's your full name?"

"Andrew Jonah Peters."

"What's your hometown?"

"Witchbury Falls."

"Where are you now?"

"Seattle."

"How do you feel?"

"Shaken. Annoyed. Irritated."

This questioning session wasn't really required after panic attacks, only a question or two would have done but Zach stressed on it, claiming that it might be easy to fool people with only a question or two. He stood up away from me and knowing the routine, stopped the deep breathing exercise to help calm my pounding head. If the last time was any indication, my limbs would not function properly for a few more minutes and my tongue will definitely be out of control for some time. "He's okay but his angry mood is emerging. You will need to go to the school with him, which he's late for now, and explain the matter to the principal." Immediately turning to me with a smile, he assures my rising fears. "It will be okay, Jonah. He will understand. You can sit out of this meeting if you like." Then he turns to my mother and speaks, "Calm down now, Madeline. It was an honest mistake and the stress talking. He knows that you didn't mean a word. Just make sure to talk to the principal, okay?"

After my mother nods affirmatively, he continues, "And now I need to go. A client is waiting for me from where I ran out during our session." He adds a small laugh before continuing. "Don't feel guilty. He is a paranoid one so I was just listening to his wild conspiracy theories." The comment kills the guilt within me while a new curiosity rises. _What kind of patients does he have, aside from me of course?_

"Shall we go, Andy?" Mom cautiously asks me while returning to the driver's seat. She is looking apologetic and I try to control my anger. Unfortunately, my loose tongue isn't controlled though.

"Mom, you said some pretty harsh things and I had my breakdown. I am almost fine now and I realize that I am late for school on my very first day. Shall we go now or do you still want to treat me like I would fall apart again under some words of yours?" I wince internally at my cruel tone but am relieved at how she barely flinches. She took note of Zach around my first time when I behaved similarly.

"After recovery, he will still be a little disoriented and will have no censor in trying to aggravate anyone." He had pointed out while consoling my mom, whom I had reduced to large body-racking sobs with my harsh comments, and glaring at me futilely for aforementioned comments.

We drive silently to the Seattle High and the air is thick with tension and unspoken words between us. It is as if both of us wait for the other to acknowledge them first. It is only when she shuts off the engine when the wait ends. "I'm sorry for what I said. I won't lie to you by saying that they were just words. I meant them, even though I shouldn't have with all the progress you made. It is just that I still worry and the guilt and stress overcame my senses. I'm sorry."

I give her a smile and hope she doesn't realize that it is a fake. I am still stuck on feeling the words ' _I meant them'_ tear up my heart into shreds. Even though she apologized, I can't help but feel the effect of the hidden meaning behind the words. "I am sorry as well for saying the words I couldn't help but mean." She presses her lips together tightly and I know that she understood my unspoken words as well. With those final words, I end the conversation and get out of the car.

And instantly I feel paralyzed at the intimidating sensations all around me. The loud sounds of other students and faculty around me, the millions stares boring into me from all directions and the giant school building in front of me fills me with a painful anticipation. Of someone to recognize me. Of the jokes and mockery to begin. Within moments, I see every single eye turned towards me even as they talk among themselves and even the loud sounds seems to be fading into nothingness. I hear my mom leave the car as well and it is as if every stare turns into a laser beam, tearing me into imaginary shreds with their instantly magnified intensity.

Feeling a need to hide from the entire world, I bend my head down and can't help but notice how my hands are shaking. From how it appears to me, I might be shaking entirely. Internally, I try thousands of different ways to encourage myself to remain calm on the surface even if there is a tsunami brewing within. Putting my hands in my jeans pockets, I turn to mom and speak in a controlled voice. "It looks like I am not late. You don't need to talk to anyone then. I will take care of things here. You would probably have things to take care of right now, don't you?" I internally pray that she gets the hint and leave.

Thankfully, she does get what I desired and after a moment of digging in the car, hands all the necessary paperwork to me. "Here are the papers. I'm still coming with you. I need to talk to the principal." Obviously I thanked the gods a bit too early. I suppress the urge to shout a 'what?' as she snatches the documents back from me and starts to walk towards the entrance doors. I too walk behind her, silent only so as to not create a scene in front of my potentially future classmates and friends. Still, I see a few grins and/or giggle at the two of us and I feel like digging myself underground for having a scene like this. At the door, though, she turns around and I pray that she changed her mind. My wish isn't granted. "You can just get your schedule and leave for your classes. I will handle the talk on my own. Okay?" Despairing what they might talk about, I silently nod.

Finding the principal's office, mom gets me my schedule almost immediately and sends me on my way. "Have a nice day, Andy." The last sight of the inside of the office is how she waves me bye (talk about embarrassing) while the secretary lady, Ms Adams, stares at me in not a friendly way while she goes through my old school records. _What did she read there? Did Mrs Johnson write a biased character report on me in my records?_

Within moments of leaving the office though, these thoughts shift to the back of my mind. Because my mind finally realizes that I am standing among thousands of strangers with no hope of finding even one familiar face. All confidence and hope of making a better new start fades as I walk to my locker while every person stares at me. It seems as if I am not some new guy but a god who demands absolute silence in his presence. The whispers begin soon enough behind me, commenting on every single inch of me. I am not able to hear the words clearly and am grateful for it, thinking that it is better to not know some things than accept them once there is no room left for doubt. Opening the locker, I stare at the empty inside while wondering what to do with it.

"Dude, you gonna keep something in or keep staring at it like you expect something invisible to appear in front of you?" A female voice, full of attitude I might add, comes from my left and I turn to the tan blonde next to me. Before I can even speak, she continues, "Name's Melissa James, new guy. Don't call me Mel or I swear I will hit you where the sun doesn't shine. Same goes for trying to hit on me. If I like you, I will make it clear. I hate silly games and even more I hate players wasting my time so if you are even thinking of trying, know that you are limited to being a friend, if you are lucky. Now, since we are going to be locker neighbour, don't you agree that we should be friends, at least until there is a reason not to be?" Without letting me respond, she continues. "I think so too. So, what's your name, new guy?"

"Andrew Jonah Peters. People call me Andy. Jonah is parents-only. Pleased to meet you, locker neighbour." She opens her mouth to speak and I continue, smirking at her annoyed glare. "I have been in this city for around five weeks. My past is for me to share. I know no one of my age and I am recently single. That's my bio data in short. Now what can you tell me about this place?" In the small moment she shoots me an impressed look, I am awed at myself and thank myself for this temporary loose tongue. I can image the scene very clearly where I would have badly stuttered while trying to respond to her.

"Well then. Jonah it is. So what kind of person are you, Jonah?" She responds with a smirk and once she's done speaking, she makes a face at me. "Jonah is a cool name but Andy's my preference, I think." Just then the bell rings and the student population around me, which was still partly staring at me, begins to disperse as everyone begins to head off to class. "Seriously bad timing. We were just getting started. Andy, show me your schedule. Let's direct the new guy."

Reluctantly, I hand over my schedule to the mini firecracker and she whistles as soon as her eyes land on it. "Wow, it is an exact copy of mine. What did you do? Hack the school computer to make this connection? Remember though, don't you dare hit on me." Then leaning in while handing over my schedule, she conspiratorially whispers to me, "I'm already interested in the other new guy. So don't bother with me. Or the mindless cheerleaders. Or the bumbling nerds. Stay away from those two groups. You won't regret it."

With that as my only warning, she begins to walk where our first class of the day would be. "What other new guy?" I ask, curious of who will I be sharing the attention of being the new guy with. She makes an irritated face, which is extremely cute, that hurts me in the heart. Because I can only think of Kylie making that kind of face at me. The mere thought of Kylie sends a thousand of desires, wants and regrets flowing through me. _How is Kylie? Where is Kylie? Does she miss me? Did she get my note? Did she move on? Would she move on? Is she happy? Did I hurt her very badly by leaving? Should I have given her a chance? Should I have told her everything a long time ago?_

Mom may have meant it as a nonsensical outburst but she hadn't lied with what she knew, even if it was only incomplete. The truth was that ever since the 'revelation', there had been thousands of regrets festering within me. None of them could be controlled and all of them originated from the one choice I made twelve years ago moments after 'Ed' left me there. And by a paradox, the urge to satisfy the addiction was now gone. Its price wasn't though.

A loud clap in front of my face snaps me out of my thoughts. "Where did you go Andy?" Melissa asks with a slightly concerned expression. "That was some place you went to. I think we are late now. Thankfully, since you are the new guy, it is your job to get us excused." She continues as she drags me to where our class would be. I am pretty sure my mouth is open a little in surprise but thankfully no insect dares to try sticking itself inside my mouth.

By the time she ends up at a classroom door – and I am completely lost to trek in these halls on my own – I have barely formulated a weak excuse for our late arrival by about five minutes in which Melissa has helpfully (and unnecessarily) told me all about the different teachers here. And I mean everything. Including the internal wars and the dirty soap opera-like drama details. Her excuse for telling me all this? Ammunition. "For when it might be urgent to be used." She says. She obviously doesn't know that my background info would be enough to create a large explosion in the school society.

Slamming the door open, Melissa pushes me inside the room while the surprised teacher and other students stare at me enter. Then she enters and I hear her name murmured along with some low-pitched whistles. Aside from the teacher, Mr Martin Snow – a balding man who looks like he is approaching his mid-forties in a crisp formal outfit, my gaze is immediately directed to one other person. Among all those who stare at me, I see a variety of emotions. Except at him. He's blank. There's no emotion in his brown eyes and from the way he looks at me, he's assessing me as if I am a threat.

"What is the meaning of this rude behaviour?" The balding Mr Snow fumes and I turn to focus on him, only to realize that he isn't talking to me but my female companion. Being slightly behind me, she prods me towards the teacher and I get her message instantly. _Make the excuse._

"Sir, I'm sorry." His angry eyes shift to me the instant I begin to speak. "I was lost and this girl found me just in time to help me get here as soon as possible. Please don't scold her for my incompetence." There is a silent clapping on my back, implying that she's impressed and I mentally congratulate myself for having a good vocabulary to show off in front of this English teacher. He doesn't respond to my words with a verbal response as he turns away from us and once again I feel Melissa drag me away from the door to the two empty seats. As I am just getting past his table, he asks.

"What's your name, kid?" His voice, when calmer, is a bit rough and thick. Without thinking of any repercussions, after all why would I, I respond instantly.

"Andrew Jonah Peters." The tightening of his face is the immediate sign of recognition and fear fills me immediately. This time when he responds, his voice is far less welcoming and far worse than what he greeted us with.

"You? Let's hope you won't continue such activities here. I would be watching you very closely." Once again I feel the eyes of the entire class upon me. Melissa drags me once again but I feel her stare on me as well. But he interrupts as just as we reach the first row of seats. "Mr Peters will be sitting with Mr Layweigh in the front. I will be keeping a close eye on the two of you." Before he is done speaking, I hear the whisper that makes my blood run cold. 'Freak.' I look around but no one shows any sign of saying anything. _Did I imagine it?_

Whoever this 'Layweigh' is, he is the most introvert teenager I have ever known. And I like him for it. We don't talk but I keep observing him from the side of my vision and he doesn't even sneak a peek at me. He's around five feet eight inches and around one hundred and fifty pounds. His hair is completely brown and along with his easily distinguishable blue eyes, his tanned skin creates an attractive appearance. From the amount of stares the two of us gather, I am pretty sure that he is the new guy Melissa is crushing on. I am afraid that he won't be enough to stop me from gaining too much attention though.

The class ends in fifty minutes after our arrival but it feels like a lifetime. The two of us are blessed with another set of glares from the teacher and I immediately turn to Layweigh kid. "Hey, wanna be friends?" Most people would think I was going for the brothers-in-suffering route at the moment. I was. He stared at me as if the concept of friend was completely foreign to him before he awkwardly nodded. "Cool. My name is Andrew Jonah Peters. People call me Andy. What's yours?"

"Simon Layweigh. People call me ... Simon." He responds and the pause makes me wonder if he really has had much social interaction in his life. It doesn't look like it. "What's your next class? Mine's AP Calculus." He asks me and I smile at him for trying to make an effort.

"Ours is same. Come on, let's go." Melissa butts in on our conversation and Simon looks at her politely. _There goes the dream of her getting him_. "I'm Melissa James. Never call me Mel. Okay? And smile a little! It brightens every face." She barely pauses for a breath before continuing. "Now we all know each other – though Andy seems to have some things to tell later – let's go to our next class so I can introduce the two of you to the rest of my group. Come on, hurry."

As she drags the two of us with her, Simon remarks. "She's quite energetic. ADHD?" He asks and Melissa instantly freezes while I erupt in laughter.

Pinching the bridge of her nose, Melissa points out, "Just because I am active and not dull like the two of you doesn't mean that I have 'Attention Deficiency Hyper Disorder'. Don't ever bring this up again." No matter what she said, I can't help but recognize how obviously she's lying. Though she may not be. It's her secret to share anyway.

And as she drags me to our next class and new friends, I can't help but wonder what this means. Just an hour ago, I was scared of being unable to ever fit in. But now it seems that I can and all those fears were useless. As Mr Snow just demonstrated, there would always be some who would judge me but there would also be folks like Simon and Melissa to have my back.

After a long time, I have hope that things would be okay.

###  CHAPTER 9

I am shaking in fear. Even though I try to hide it. It has been six weeks since my 'treatment' began. A week since I finished writing in that journal as Zach asked me to do. A week in which I have kept re-reading things over and over as I looked for mistakes or things left out and, unwillingly, lived them all over again. I did this in secret so I didn't have to come over here before I was ready. Though it isn't that I am ready even now. It's just that I finally decided to just get this over with. And so here I am, entering his office. I am afraid of what happens when he reads the entries. Would he now treat me with disgust? Pity? Suspicion? I keep repeating my mantra _I'm not crazy_ as I sit on his 'patient' couch.

"Good afternoon Jonah. How are you feeling today?" He asks in the same way he has started every session so far. Whenever I was too stressed out to write further, even here, we talked and he distracted me with his words until I could try writing more. Mostly it was him discussing about his profession and what he does, sharing successful cases without naming anyone and about just anything he could discuss. In the last few sessions though, he kept dropping small personal things, still honouring his principal to maintain a professional distance from his patients. Like how big his family was, what he liked, how his hometown Ohio was different from here and stuff.

I need to stop babbling mentally.

"I'm considerably well at the moment." I speak as a small genuine smile comes to me. And it is true. Even in my depression, there have been some good days, days when I felt normal like everyone else. On the bad days though, I couldn't even get out of bed. Mom tried to manage but the signs of fatigue were slowly showing on her face.

And I started babbling again. I should just get this over with.

"And I have finished the journal as well. Here, take it." I continue as I take out the journal from the paper bag I was carrying with me. Zach's face shines with surprise as he looks at the now complete journal whose edges have bent with regular use. Considering that I had a case of clinical depression, a case quite common in today's generation he told me, he probably didn't expect me to be done so quickly. Well, even I can't believe I am done. While writing, I felt possessed.

"I hope this doesn't change your opinion of mine once you have read it. I have written it just as you said, filling even my innermost thoughts in it." I speak as I hand it over to him but avoid looking at his face. If I wasn't comfortable with Zach, I wouldn't have even said this.

"Andy turn and look at me." He speaks in a kind tone after taking the book in his hand. I hesitate a lot before finally turning my head away from his dull walls to stare at him putting the book on his lap. "I promise you that it won't change my opinion of you. These six weeks have been more than enough to create a solid one that can last through anything. These entries though will help me understand how you are what you are. They are nothing to be ashamed of as they are a part of you. You should never be afraid or ashamed of yourself. Embrace it as a part of your past and be glad you got to see it. Most people don't even explore themselves completely. With discovering this side of yours, you are ahead of a huge lot of them. Do you understand me?"

I nod but then remember that he likes verbal confirmation more. "Yes, Zach." It may seem that his words were trying to drill this fact into me but they only help to strengthen my resolve to never be ashamed of my past. A lesson he helped me learn.

"So how has life been at home?" Zach asks and I relax with the thought that he really isn't reading the journal now. So my voice is a little bit chipper, a clear sign of today being one of my good days, when I reply.

"It's good. Mom and I have been interacting a lot better than before. Thanks to your advice, I presume, she is now talking a lot with me. Often our talks are of non-trivial things. Like about her job and colleagues. Like about my school and school events and stuff. About college applications. About the applications, she told me to ask you for help."

"What do you want help with?" He asks, curious about what he can help me with. I smile on the inside as I consider how much he has already helped. My relationship with both of my parents have already improved a lot in these past six weeks. I have begun to see through the haze of anger I held towards every stranger and am slowly getting less hostile whenever Witchbury Falls is mentioned. The bitterness in my voice when I remember people is gone and is now replaced with pity. Kevin was right after all, people there were narrow-minded.

"I want help in choosing my major. I have no idea how to decide which one to choose. I just don't want to regret it later, you know." I say frankly as I look beyond him, avoiding eye contact. I may have been talking about emotions a lot but expressing vulnerability still made me self-conscious.

He gives a shallow chuckle before speaking. "Andy, look at my face when you talk. Otherwise it is a sign of lack of self-confidence. And if you show weakness, you let others trample you. Regarding these college applications, I don't know if I can help you. Give me some time to come up with something alright by the next session, alright? So, how has your school life been?"

Ah, school. One issue that brings so many emotions and memories for me. Both good and bad but all of them now important. "School's been good. Considering the first week when I couldn't even look at anyone without wondering if they somehow knew about my problem and I was coming here, I am a lot better. I have some friends here. Not as close as those back there were but close enough." I never mentioned Witchbury Falls by its name or as home anymore, just 'there'. It was, Zach said, to help me accept that it was in the past now.

"Mm-hm." It's a sign for me to elaborate. "I am not in popular circle or anything but I have friends who I am comfortable with. Being early weeks of friendship, there are moments of uncomfortable silences and keeping secrets, but it seems we would manage to get through them soon enough. We hang out and have fun, no illegal stuff though I swear. Though with the way mom looks at me sometimes, with pity and sadness that is, I feel she would even accept that, at least for a while. The teachers are nice, well as nice as one can expect them to be, but sometimes studying is just an effort. A common teenager issue, I suppose." He nods in affirmative as he keeps writing in his notepad. It is almost full by now and someday I would ask to see what he wrote. He could be doodling on certain occasions as well, as it seems from the decorated cover.

Before he could proceed in his psycho-analysis, I ask him a question that's been bothering me for a week now. "Zach, I still have these bad days or moments when I feel nothing. I still believe that I can be cured and it would take time but I see almost no effect of the treatment. I can't even recognise any trigger that would cause one. What's happening?"

He seems to think about it and then gives a sigh. The tone of his sigh is not at all supportive. With an expression of unease, he speaks, "Andy, it takes time to heal. It is not recovered from in a month or two. Some takes even a lifetime to constantly battle. Yours isn't so bad so that's not an issue. But so far, I must also add that we haven't even started your recovery." Before he can even open his mouth to speak further, I interrupt.

"What? Then what have I been doing these past six weeks? I thought the journal writing was supposed to help me!" He, though, does not react but just stares at me with an almost blank expression. He tries but he can't hide the sadness in his eyes. A part of me notes that maybe he has grown a bit attached to me, more than what is allowed.

"The journal entry was to help me understand the case from your point of view. It was not exactly supposed to help you directly. And listen to me before you interrupt again." He adds as I open my mouth to speak again. What does he mean that it wasn't 'supposed to help me directly'? So why did I bother to relive those painful memories? Wouldn't it be just easier to forget them?

Unaware of my growing questions though, he continues. "You must be going through a lot of obvious questions like why did I ask you and stuff. I asked you to write all these events so I could get a different view of your personality. Also, these will help me understand what things have happened so far and how you reacted to it. You are curable. If you believe nothing else I say, then at least believe that. There were things that had to be done before we could begin your recovery. From what I saw from our sessions, you clearly had a hard time opening up to your parents and were clearly reluctant to have any new friends. And both are important to any living human at every stages of life. Look up the theatre actor Alexander DeVoir to understand why. He is a classic case of greed consuming lives. With your opening up to your mother and having some friends in the new school, you are now almost ready to begin your recovery. Just let me get through this journal alright? I will also help you choose your college major then."

Reluctantly, I nod. "This means some shocking revelations for my current friends I suppose."

"If you are really scared of being judged by them, Andy, then you don't have to tell them yet. Someday you will have to but not now. Just hope to count on them to cheer you up and help you on bad days and moments. So tell me more about your friends then."

"Like what?" That question is quite unclear on what he wants to know.

"Their names would be a start. Characteristics and personalities would be good too."

"Oh. I have made seven friends here, compared to the six and a girlfriend I had back... no, before. Their names are Samuel Calloway, John Michaels, Alex Rhodes, Peter Smith, Aiden Seth, Melissa James, Simon Layweigh and Jacob Tyler." My voice accidentally cracks as I said Jacob. I still associated Jacob with the quarterback of Witchbury High team. And then my memories always turned to their abuse.

Without giving him a moment to interrupt me though, I begin to describe them all to him. Zach listens to me patiently but not before scribbling something in his notepad. He never misses anything. Once I get back to Jacob though, I shiver once more but still don't stop. Halfway through while describing him though, I realize I was now describing the other Jacob and I pause after beginning to stutter on a lot of simple words. And wait the question to come.

"Why did your voice keep cracking whenever you mentioned Jacob, Andy?" He asks and before I know it, a tear escapes down my cheek. I thought I was over this. I thought I was over them. Apparently I am not.

"Jacob Andrews was the football quarterback in Witchbury High. He was one of the few people who turned from good friend to bully when my secret got out. It was horrible." My voice cracks at the last word as memories strike back at me in full force. I can't help it. They overwhelm me so much that when someone places a hand on my shoulder, I can't help but flinch away. Once sanity returns, I see Zach has a concerned expression and that I am sitting in a purely defensive position. With my knees touching my chest, I am rocking in the chair like an infant is rocked in the crib. As soon as I can, I let myself loose from the position but I also feel the numbness in my limbs from my hard grip and the sudden blood flow hurts. _But not as much as the memories do. Not as much as a friend's betrayal does._

Zach clears his throat to get my attention and then asks in a soft voice, "You hung out with them a lot didn't you? You trusted them. Every group has special hang-out places. What were yours?" A barely disguised attempt at subject change but it works.

"The most favourite of our hangouts was the cliff." Suppress the memories. Now is not the time to let them hurt. "The very cliff where my secret was exposed. After that was the waterfall." _Where it all began_. "Aside from these two most visited spots, we would often hit the pizza place near the school, Parker Pizzeria. It was owned by Kylie's parents." _Where Dad picked me up after I was beaten up_. "And if we felt a bit guilty for over-indulgence or felt out of shape, then gym. The players often also scored their next 'targets' over there as well." _No bad memories there, at least_. I didn't show up in the gym after that day at the cliff. "Common teenager spots, I suppose you can call them."

"And where do you hang out now here with your new friends?" Zach asks and it is absolute silence in the room. _Why did he have to ask that? Call out my only lie?_ Zach was actually staring down at the notes, probably thinking about his next doodle, but upon receiving no response he looks up at me questioningly. "Andy?"

"I...We just hang around several places. Lots of places in fact. Too many to recall. Too many to explain." I answer in a very fast speed. And then his eyes narrow and I wince. _Busted!_ "Alright. I don't hang out with them that much. We often hit some pizza place, can't remember its name, and places like that. I haven't really gone out that much. Guess I am turning into an introvert now." I shrug as if it is a no big deal even though on the inside I am already cowering from the blow that is about to strike.

Zach's voice is calm, in a controlled way, when he speaks. "Andy, have you forgotten the basic rule I laid down at the end of our first meeting? No lies. I could say I am disappointed but I'm not. Being a teenager, even I would have lied at some point. But now's the time to come clear. Have you anything else to confess?" His words, thankfully, don't make me feel bad. If he had said he was disappointed in me, it would have been as similar to saying he didn't believe in me at all.

Looking straight into his eyes so he can see no hesitation, I calmly, well as much calm as I can manage despite all this guilt, assure him, "I swear on all things I hold important that that was the only lie I have told you." His mask of blank expression doesn't leave his face as he nods before scribbling things in his notepad. I don't think he's doodling this time. Out of curiosity, my eyes wander to the lonely wall clock and am surprised to see that only ten minutes of our session is left.

"Alright Andy, two more issues to touch before we properly begin your treatment in next session. What were your hobbies?" He asks in the small moment in his looks up from his notepad, before being lost in it again. I have to see that notepad to see what he is writing, or doodling, in there. What was the question again? Oh yes, hobbies.

"Things I like doing as hobby are swim, paint, read and hang out with friends. And by reading, I mean novels and fiction stuff. Non-fictional or spiritual stuff bored me to sleep." I was tempted to add 'common teenager stuff again, I know' but I didn't really know a lot who read as a hobby.

"Any preferred genres?" With short answers like that, we might as well be having me talk at him, instead of with him.

"Fantasy mostly. Science fiction, adventure, paranormal and new adult stuff. If a book goes deep into romance zone, it ends up on the 'never finishing' list though. Classics are a strict no." Some more scribbling. I seriously hope he isn't doodling. That would be awkward when I steal his notepad.

"You must show me a painting of yours. A recent one, preferably. I would like to see one. No particular theme, just a painting. Preferably not abstract." Zach chuckles as he says this, unaware of the sudden fear that is now paralyzing me. "I'm not really good with abstract art. You wrote a journal so I assume you can write as well?"

"No." I wince as I hear my squeaky voice. I clear my throat and try again. "No, not really. That journal was completed only because I knew what to write. My imagination does not grant me the gift of proper wording, something that would definitely make me SATs easy. I wouldn't have written a page if I had to imagine it all. And..." I admitted in a low voice. "I haven't really painted since that day. Like at all." I once more wish I hadn't promise to not to hide things from him in one of my previous sessions so I didn't have to admit these things.

"Ah, no problem about the writing one. You can learn it. As for painting though, why?" Zach asks as he scribbles something once again, finally flipping the page of his notepad for the first time in this session, and frankly this is the first time this happened in all of my sessions.

"I can't really paint anymore. My mind goes blank whenever I look at the blank paper. And even if I try to force myself, I don't really feel it up to the mark of my previous stuff. Sometimes I do find inspiration but they are completely lost when I try to recreate them." I confess as I feel my voice low slowly. Painting was my one skill where I released myself unrestrictedly. And now I had lost even that, it seems.

"I can suggest a potential solution. It worked with a writer fellow I once worked with. Just carry a camera with you at all places and whenever you get a hit of inspiration by something, take a picture of it. It may not succeed in capturing what you wanted but it will remind you of what you were inspired by. If it was a thought you were inspired by while looking at something, then make a note of it. Buy yourself a small notepad and keep it with you at all times so you can write in it. This way, you won't lose them. Not entirely, at least." I give him a small smile in return for his advice. It may not work for me but since it did work for someone before me, I can definitely give it a try.

"Now, last issue of today and this pre-healing stage but one of the most important ones. What do you think of all the people of Witchbury Falls? Not the ones close to you, the ones who didn't judge. I am asking about the ones who did judge."

"Anger. Resentment. Hurt. And every other similar feeling whenever I think of them." My voice is bitter as I speak. "They kept themselves, their families away from me as if my 'situation' was contagious." I even make the air quotes with my fingers at the word situation. "They even made little children, of nine or ten years of age, stay away from me and despise me for who I was. There was a fella, Elisan Robert Smith, who once lived there before moving to foster care when his parents died in an accident, at the age of fourteen. People still wish he returns home. I wished it too but now I don't. Because if he does, the very same people who wished him back would treat him like a total stranger because they don't know him. And if he cares about what they think, I know they would hurt him much worse than that. Because having already lived there for so long, I later realized it was the obvious response but if he returns, he might have hope for acceptance. Acceptance he won't find there anymore."

His reply shocks me as I look for him to acknowledge they were wrong. "You have to let this go, Andy. The people were wrong but that doesn't mean you should hold them a grudge. A broad-minded man cannot pity the narrow-minded. Or else there won't be a functional world. To get cured, you must let go of these negative thoughts. I am not saying forget this happened. I am asking you to forgive but not forget. Because there is no one greater than the one who forgives. But there is also no great fool than the one who forgets."

"I should forgive them even though they broke me from the inside? Are you crazy? Why would I do that?" I almost yell at him.

"Did you mind when they all liked you in a common opinion?" Zach asks and I open my mouth to reply in affirmative, before realizing that I didn't. "When one praised you to the other in your presence did you mind?"

"No I didn't. But that was different." _Where is he going with this?_

"No it wasn't. That time, people based their opinions on what people they trusted said and what they themselves believed. This time too, people believed others' opinion and acted like that. Tell me, if it hadn't been you but this..." He looked at his notes for something before continuing. "... Jacob Andrews boy, would you not have been acting the same way as them? Assume you never got the habit." Zach counters me and defensive, I blurt out the first answer I can think of.

"But I did and he didn't. So we can't really compare that."

"Can't we?"

I open my mouth to say no but I already am imagining it. The looks he would get from others. How others would ridicule him behind his backs. How he would become a social outcast. And in a world in which I wasn't having this addiction, I could see myself being one of his tormentors. It was just the case of switching positions.

"All right. I will try. But I can't guarantee anything." I finally mumble and Zach smiles. The clock strikes one in the afternoon almost within seconds following that and Zach gets up from his chair and begins to stretch his limbs after putting his notepad and pen down.

"Alright, Andy. Our time is up for today but I want you to think about what we discussed. We will meet again next week and I would like to see a painting with you the next time you come here, understand?" His tone is stern but caring as he lets me out of this session.

I nod. "Of course, Zach. I will bring one. Goodbye." With that I leave his office, sidestepping around a guy of my age with tanned skin wearing a completely black suit and brown hair. His body is well-toned, as obvious from his muscles, and I wonder who this model like person is. For a small moment, I am jealous of how many girls would daily fall at his feet. But then I realize that there is only one girl I truly want and I have already left her behind. I haven't seen him before in this office so he must be a new patient. Though I do catch his name as Zach greets him. Adam McLogh. Interesting name. Strangely familiar too.

I wave goodbye to his secretary Mrs Robinson as I leave and she waves back with a smile. Angela looks like she is in her forties but has the spirit of someone much younger. We always talk before my regular sessions. She hasn't been judgemental at all and is a really nice person. She is also the first person I ever met who I wasn't forced to converse with. We just began to talk – well she started the conversation the first time – at the time of my sixth visit or so. And we never run out of topics to talk. Even mom and Zach agree that she has been a positive influence.

As I walk outside though, the cold air of winter greets me on the Seattle sidewalk. Crossing the road, I suddenly get an idea and walk back to the office building from the other side of the road and then look at the office building. A bulb goes off in my head and I smile.

I know just what to paint for the next session.

###  CHAPTER 10

I keep thinking of how our first healing session went today. It wasn't really anything different from the others in my opinion. We followed our usual routine of having me expressing my honest thoughts and opinions on whatever questions he came up with. Maybe with the way he has relaxed I with him is the reason. I don't feel like I am talking with a professional psychologist when talking with him. He really feels like, and has become, only a close friend of mine whom I know I can always trust.

He was already seated and waiting for me in his chair. As soon as he sees what I am carrying, his face lightens up with interest. "Hey, Zach. Here's your specially demanded painting." I smirk at him before putting down the covered painting on the floor, making sure not even an inch peeks out of the cover.

"What have you made, Jonah?" The excitement he hides from his face is obvious from his voice. Realizing that he is behaving rather unprofessionally himself, he clears his throat and has a blank expression before asking the same question again.

"Why don't you take a look yourself?" I reply and then remove the paper cover from the painting. Just as I remove the cover, I wonder if he would like it. Then I remember that this is my hobby and I like doing it. If he doesn't like it, I should try to improve and ignore it otherwise. Not that he will ever criticize something of me that badly to me have to ignore it. And I already know this is a great painting, even Mom agreed. Before a crying session started with her babbling how much 'her poor baby' had gone through. Awkward stuff.

Zach is silent for a long time as he stares at the painting of his office building. It is a little brighter than its surroundings, making it feel as a beacon of sorts. "This building looks like a source of light against all the darkness that in which people often find themselves lost in. The darkness I found myself lost in. It sounds a bit embarrassing because it is cheesy but I really do feel this place like this. The idea actually came when I left your office after last session though making it perfect took nearly all of the week."

"Quite interesting. I will keep this hanging on the wall to improve, even if slightly, the 'terrible decoration' I have here." Having written that about his journal, I recognize the obvious dig.

"Couldn't really lie, Zach. This place feels like it is rented and you might just run away in the middle of a session after grabbing a few things once the real owner returns with the police with me as bait." I grinned. "I might want to see your license again."

"Very funny." He comments in a deadpan tone, though his face is obviously fighting a smile. "I see today is a good day. So, what else did you do this week, Andrew?"

I pause a few minutes as I try to sort all the things I have to tell. "This has been quite a busy week, actually, with me starting to hang out with friends after school. Monday was the beach day. We practically sunburnt ourselves. See here?" I bent my neck and showed him the tan lines forming there. "I forgot sunscreen there and we spent the entire evening there having fun and playing beach volleyball. Then Tuesday was pizza and movie day. At John's place, he has an amazing sound system in the basement, which is also his room, all of us were up all night watching movies picked by us. Melissa chose some chick-flick during which all the guys talked through, annoying her and making her change the film. Then Sam came up with Scream and after that it became a marathon. We also found out that although Mel is the girl of the group, she was the one who screamed the loudest at gory scenes in excitement. There must have been some confusion above that she was born a girl. Wednesday was quite boring relatively as we had a test on Thursday so we spent the time group studying. Thursday was a gym day, after overindulging on pizzas after a successful exam earlier in the day, and while exercising, we also had the enjoyment of Mel and John compete to try to hook up with as many people as possible. John won that by only one person and they both hooked up with over thirty people. Friday nights mark the start of weekend so it was a party night. It was a quite familiar feeling since even if people and locations change, the main spirit of a party doesn't. Saturday I spent finishing up this painting of yours to give you today. Simon has grown into quite a loner guy though Mel says he's interested in some girl and is ditching us for her. Poor girl's broken by the way her crush is going after someone else."

Zach scribbles something once I am done and then smiles while responding, "I asked what you did this week in general. You could have just said that you hung out with them instead of explaining and carried on with other people. Still trying to make up for that lie?"

Shoot! He's good. "Yeah. I'm still sorry about that." I apologize once again. Then I answer him again, "Alright, then. That's what happened with friends. Dad called twice this week. I think he's interested in someone back there but I don't really know who, just that it has to be someone new because Dad had begun to dislike others. Mom was so happy with me hanging out with friends, she actually followed me the first day to see I wasn't lying, that she doesn't mind that we don't see each other during the day except at breakfast and at dinner. The school work has been slow this week too."

"I read your journal and noted a small similarity between you old and new circle of friends." Zach starts. "In the old group you had seven main friends, including Kylie, and here, you again have seven main friends, in which Melissa is a girl. You see what I mean? My concern and question is that are you trying to recreate your old life in Witchbury Falls?"

For a moment, I take this information in before answering. "If you hadn't pointed that out, then I would have said no. But now, with that small bit of connection, I feel as if I may be. Not intentionally, of course. But now that you do point it out, I feel that there have been many instances where I have felt like trying to create a substitute for what I had in Witchbury Falls without being direct about it. Nothing major, all small stuffs with minor differences. There are eight friends in this new circle, not seven. Still, what do you think I should do?"

"Oh, nothing really. All you need to do is accept that Witchbury Falls is now your past and you are now in Seattle. I don't want you to quit doing anything you would normally do. Just try to make everything you do, like hang out with friends and stuff, have a little taste of this place so you can adjust yourself here. No need to force it, just let it happen with only small nudges. Your mind will make comparisons and it is normal. Everyone does. Go with the flow of the city. This will help you to place Witchbury Falls where it rightfully belongs. In your memories as a thing of the past instead of something you still wish for. Okay?" Zach confirms whether I understood his point or not and I agree. Though that was not really that helpful in suggestions on how but at least I know what to do.

"You hung out with the new friends. Do you think they trust you enough?" Zach asks and it takes me a moment to honestly about think the answer.

"Yes, I think they do. I mean, to them my behaviour is still weird but they understand that it just how I am. They are quite understanding, though they don't hesitate in calling out that I am still stuck in my 'troubled teenager' times."

"Well, that's good. That's progress that you managed to talk this through with them. Any bad days this week?" Zach asks as he writes something in his notepad.

"Yeah. Three actually." I hesitantly confess. "One was Tuesday evening, which is why the entire group decided it to be movie night instead of the usual Wednesday. The next was Thursday during the school. I almost failed the test but others kept encouraging me by mouthing that they really were there for me. We almost got caught once and Aiden had to hide it as a yawn to deflect suspicion. After test, we ditched school for ice-cream and chocolate to help me, even though we knew we might get in trouble later. This is why I said I could count on them. The third one though was last night when I just couldn't draw this painting perfectly. I must have killed tens of trees while trying to draw only a single line. The frustration and helplessness that got hold of me then was so strong that without Kevin I wouldn't have made it through. I called him, crying out of being a disappointment, and he, despite being at some party, immediately helped me regain control. We chatted for nearly three hours." I took a deep breath to relax my now small voice before asking in a low voice, "Why is this happening?"

"Because you are afraid. On Tuesday, you were afraid of what they really thought of you and were afraid of being let down. On Thursday, it was a fear of failing and disappointing people around you and last night you were scared of disappointing me. You see the pattern here?" I nodded so that he could continue. "Andy, you need to understand that you don't have to be afraid. You can't always make everyone happy but you can make yourself happy. Do not be afraid of what others will think of you. As long as you are honest with yourself, you do not have to be scared. I know it sounds hard to implement and it is but you have time to adapt to it. Whenever you think you would disappoint others, just repeat to yourself that your success or failure doesn't really matter. Your effort does. Understood?" I give him a small smile in response before he continues, after noting something down in his notebook. "Though I must emphasize that it might seem so right now but fear isn't the only cause of these bad moments. It is just one of the main reasons. By learning to control your fears though would help in controlling one cause though." I nod once again, having already figured that one out. Not every bad moment arose when I was afraid like this. "So you have kept contact with Kevin? What about Kylie? Have you contacted her yet? With the emotions you mentioned in your journal, it must be hard not to, right?" Even though his tone is gentle, I feel accused at his words for some reason.

It reminds me of all the things the people of Witchbury suspected me of doing as if by getting off on the adrenaline rush meant that I slaughtered little puppies in church. I know he wanted me to drop my anger but the events of that one month still sting deep within and can't be undone just yet. And all that anger leaks out, unintentionally, when I respond. "Whoa doc. Better be careful there. I'm not even going to consider answering it so we can just move on." And we don't. Every time he tries to make me talk about Kylie, I can feel my defensiveness increasing. By the fifth time, it is clear he has given up.

"What happened Andy? Why this sudden defensiveness?" Zach finally questions, his expression blank and his pencil ready to note whatever I tell him. It is quite a long string of curses. My mother would have bleached my mouth if she heard me. Zach's expression is absolutely shocked and I simply give him the finger before sitting quietly with my arms crossed.

"That's quite an interesting vocabulary you keep. I will touch back on this question later. How do you feel now?" He asks and the response at the tip of my mouth is that 'you aren't my shrink'. But he is. And I did promise him honesty.

"Angry. No, infuriated. So much infuriated that I wouldn't hesitate in setting fire or murdering you if you so much as annoy me. That bad. You've been warned shrink." I reply. To be honest, even I don't know why this is happening. Zach scribbles something down in his notepad and I almost jump to snatch it away from him to see what he calls this. Psychotic break? Sociopathic tendencies? Or was it psychopathic? (Note to self: Check the difference between the two.) Schizophrenia?

Instead of being ruffled, Zach's voice is calm. "Tell me about the Witchbury Falls. The falls, not the town. What you liked there? How did it look like?"

Safe move. "The Witchbury Falls had water falling from quite a height down to the rocks below where it continued its path forward. The fall wasn't big or something and if the person who discovered it wasn't lucky, this place would never have been discovered. It was a simple place but with a great sight to see. The white fog of water upon the rocks, the odd shapes of the rocks in the water, the giant trees and plants and vines near the banks. It was simply a sight that you could spend hours watching. I spent an entire evening watching that place, you know? Zach, if you ever go to that place, go and see the sight there. It just screams 'remember me'. I still see it in my mind when I close it when alone. Aside from the sound of water falling, which could be easily ignored, I could hear nothing else and it was calming." My voice is once again wistful and eyes closed as I feel the calm settle over me.

"Why were you angry just now Andy?" Zach asks, catching me off-guard. His question actually reminds me that I was murderously angry moments ago.

"I don't really know." I confess. "Your words sounded like an accusation and it reminded me of the way people back there used to talk to me as if everything wrong in the world happened because I existed. And that infuriated me. I still haven't forgiven them. And no, I haven't really talked to Kylie. She needs to move on from me, not be stuck like I am." With a deep sigh, I add, "As I always will be."

"Do you think you will ever try to contact her again?" Zach asks and I remember one of my many fantasies that had helped me relax while talking to Kevin. One in which Kylie and I, fully cured, were together. It was a personal motivator for me.

"Yes, once this is dealt with. I will return to her to see if she's available once I am sure I won't become a burden to her." I respond. Zach notes something down before asking again.

"And why don't you think she loves you as much as you love her?" I stiffen at his response because it means I made a huge mistake by doing what I have done and the thought of how much pain I might have caused her hurts me too. But untreated, I wasn't sure what our future would have been. No, what I did was for the best, right or not.

"I just do." That is all the response I give him and although unsatisfied, he doesn't push me for more. Yet. He will later when I get comfortable in his presence again. I have no doubt about that. Maybe when he does, I will have a better answer than that.

"Did you read the journal? Of course you did. What did you think? I want you to be as much honest as you can." I ask the one question that has been plaguing my mind since the moment I left the office last week. It was a double-edged sword, this desire to find out what he thought.

"Yes, I did read it. Honestly, you being honest into that journal was much more useful than anything else in understanding your case. Yours is a unique case, even more so than others'. Your mom and dad were correct in assuming that their divorce was indeed the thing that steered you towards it. The changes in behaviours of the people before and after the reveal was significant and not in a good way. Though I must add that among all those who hold a grudge to you, this Simon Samson kid probably won't let it go ever and he deserves to hold on to it as long as he wants. You did scar him. Still, his behaviour wasn't really acceptable.

The skipped details of the events at school in the weeks before coming here are acceptable, as the words, although not adequate, are more than enough to express what you were feeling. As I told you during the session in which you wrote that part here due to the depression attacks, the intention of the healing process is not to make you suffer through that pain or any other horrible feeling again but to help you deal with it so that you can keep it as a part of your past, nothing else. If you hadn't said you had troubles in writing, I would have blindly suggested you to pick it as a career path." His mention of the career path reminds me that I had asked him for advice on which courses to major in. He continues.

"In your entire journal, there are three relatively unnecessary scenes. First is a childhood scene where you described your home and the second is the scene where you noted the painting you made on the roof of your room. The third is the way you described your empty room when you moved in. They are descriptions added by your sub-consciousness not because they were necessary but were things that stuck with you. Which is why my suggestion was to choose your major in painting for higher education. Note the keyword though: Suggestion, not order or something. You are still free to choose your path. It's just that I believe you must enjoy what you do so that it never becomes a burden. You can also apply for a course to learn more about interior decoration. Perhaps then I would hire you someday for my office. It is supposed to have a 'clean slate' vibe for the patients but, according to you, is the worst interior decoration possible. What do you think?" He finally stops and I look at him and think about his words before responding.

"Yes to the painting part. I would like my job to never become a burden on me. The interior decoration part was just comments. I don't think I am cut out for that stuff. That empty room I wrote about in the journal upon moving in? It still feels empty because I can't really come up with a way to make it properly feel mine. Thanks for the suggestion though." With a smile, Zach notes something in his notepad and then stands up.

"You can choose your college as per your need. If you decide to move far away then I want you to know that I have colleagues who wouldn't mind taking over your case from the point we would leave it in. I do not want you to make choices for anyone else's sake but for yourself. Think over this for your next session." He speaks and then adds, "That'll be all for today."

_Already?_ Shocked, I look at the clock to see that it is indeed true. And so I leave with a farewell. The walk home is a blur as I am completely lost within my thoughts. Thankfully I made it back in one piece. Once home, I lie down on my bed and think about Zach's words.

I go online and search the internet for a nice college for higher education in painting. A college in grabs my attention in Seattle itself, Institute of Fine Arts with a four year long Bachelor course that specializes in Illustration. Being in Seattle itself would mean that I could continue seeing Zach even while in college (and keep him and Mom away as much as I can). I frown at seeing that I need a portfolio of at least 15 works, with as many designs as possible, in order to compete for a spot in there. Well there are other requirements too but they are relatively easier to take care of so I don't really bother with them.

To start a career as a painter, I would choose Bachelor in Fine Arts with specialization in Illustration. It feels a lot more comfortable than other options. After that I could do freelance stuff and hold exhibitions and stuff, I know getting a little ahead of myself, to keep myself afloat till I feel ready to work for my Master degree. After that, it would only be a matter of maintaining a nice reputation to be well-off in the future.

Okay, reality-check now. Time to work on the first step.

So I begin to think about something to paint. And the first thing that comes to my mind makes me smile. And it comes along with its title as well.

Well, it's time for the others to see what I saw that day at the waterfall and its title will be what my mantra became: Fear to Live For.

### EXTRA: THE ATTEMPT TO QUIT

"Hello Andy. Congratulations on getting the coveted place in the Seattle Institute of Fine Arts. Madeline told me how hard you worked for that." Zach greets me as I enter our office for the weekly session. I frown a bit at him referring to my mom by her name instead of the usual 'your mother'. _Is there something going on between the two of them?_

"Thanks, Zach. And nothing new and that interesting to report. The only thing that happened this week was the murder of Mr Silvi. Poor Claire was devastated. Surely you heard it all in the papers, right? Terrifying. Couldn't sleep that night. You know, haunted by thoughts of what would I be like if it were my dad or mom." Being truthful with him is as easy and involuntary as breathing. I know he won't betray my trust and he will really pay attention to every single word of mine instead of just nodding off to my voice while mentally getting lost in his own thoughts.

"Yes, an unfortunate event. Please pass my condolences to the poor girl. Even the bland paparazzi couldn't hide the devastation every inch of her frame was buried under. I say this as a friend and not as your doctor, if you think she would need my help, send her to me. I promise to treat her with care and respect. But we are not here for her. We are here for you, Andy. Yes, the fear of losing the people you care about can help you realize your mistakes in the relationships you have." He speaks and my head, which had been staring at my donated painting while considering what changes I would have liked on it, turns instantly to stare at him in disbelief. _Did he just make a joke on me?_ "A concept that I know that you have lived through so long." He adds with a pointed gaze. _He so did!_

I open my mouth to respond but he doesn't notice – or probably ignores - as he continues. "Your case has always been a unique one Andy and what I would normally suggest as a cure for these recent thoughts would actually be counter-productive to all your treatment. Don't you agree?" He pauses for my response and I finally speak up.

"Did you just make a joke on me?" My voice is still incredulous and I feel a bit of hurt seeping in me. Here I am trying to justify my completely vulnerable behaviour towards him and he makes joke of my huge issue like it is nothing. Zach immediately looks up from the notepad he is writing on as he reads my tone and quickly stands up to most likely reassure me. I burrow myself deeper into the chair and he stops.

"Andy, I didn't mean to create a joke on your issue. I understand its seriousness and was just trying to make a point that your issue binds me from suggesting the usual counsel I would give other patients to re-evaluate their lives and the people in them. I was trying to make you understand that it might set you off back on that track. I truly am sorry for any unintended implications."

"Do you know what day is today, Zach? It's Saturday. Mr Silvi died on Tuesday. That means I had these thoughts four days ago. I'm still fine, am I not? Then why do you still treat me like I'm still fragile and would just turn back into those very habits THAT STOLE MY LIFE FROM ME!" What starts as a pointed remark in a small voice ends up in a loud shout and the following silence is deafening with the echoes my ear produce.

It doesn't take a genius to figure out I have temporarily lost control. My mind, in the background, keeps processing things like I lost control because I'm hurting. Sobs erupt from within as the shock finally wears off. I hurt because he being judgemental hurt. Zach retreats a step back slowly and I numbly wonder if he is going to run now. If he is going to leave me alone. I feel the depression lift its consuming head within me again and my voice is barely audible in the large room as I weakly mutter. "Leave, Zach. I know you want to. There have been many people who have left me. I can see you backing away to turn around and leave without ever looking back. I have not had slightest of control over who stayed with me and who didn't but I will regain some back now. Leave, Zach. I will leave before my hour is up. There is nothing more to do here anymore." Zach doesn't respond and I can only think of how mentally relieved he would be.

It had started as just another session. Life was going well, in fact it was becoming great, and now... now nothing seemed worth it. Why bother trying? I'm going to fail anyway. It is only when I feel my tears leave a mark down my face that I realize my eyes have closed on their own and the small shakes I experience aren't of any earthquake but are my suppressed whimpers. And I nearly jump when Zach speaks my name all of a sudden.

"Andy, crying is often the best outlet for the dark feelings we might leave bottled within." _Still rationalizing? I hate you. Go away._ "There is a patient-doctor trust that makes every treatment possible. It is the basis that makes one truly willing to be completely vulnerable in front of someone else in hope that when they fall, that other person would be there to catch them." _I don't want to hear your psychobabble. GO AWAY._ "By making that off-hand comment about your situation, I betrayed every inch of the trust you placed in me." There was some noise, probably of him sitting back in his comfortable chair, while I mentally kept shouting 'GO AWAY!' at him.

"I want you to know that I understand that my action was absolutely wrong and hurtful and a clear betrayal of the trust you have placed in me. And I deeply regret this. How about a compromise? You don't trust me again but still talk to me as a professional. I have seen how much you want the power to say you are fine, Andy. Don't throw it away for the sake of getting back to me. Please Andy, will you continue to heal?" Zach comments and I almost retort that I would rather have a new doctor than continue with him. But then the fear of being judged, being ridiculed, being analysed by some stranger overcomes me. I want something other than Zach but I want his feeling of safety too. And so I simply nod to his request, accepting that this professional distance would be the perfect punishment for this doctor who treats me like his own kid.

"What do you want to talk about then, Doctor ... Collins?" It takes me a moment to actually remember his surname but the quick browsing of my memory is worth the trouble on seeing him flinch slightly.

"Call me Zach, Andrew. Can I call you Andy?" He asks in a polite but detached tone and I don't feel anything as I give him a short nod. He can call me by my full name for all I care now. "Alright then, in the journal you gave me, there was a mention of you trying to quit on your own but you never elaborated. Can you tell me what happened?" In just few words, nothing that happened just now seems to matter to me anymore. It is as if his words have opened the floodgates of the memories of Witchbury Falls and I have to try extremely hard to not let any emotion show on my face. This Zach doesn't deserve any of my honest emotions – even the ones that shred me within to pieces. I mentally think back on how to start about that day that no one else ever knew about and decide that I would just be straight-forward with the information.

"The day before my tenth birthday was the day I tried another of my stunts. Without letting anyone know, I positioned myself underneath my dad's car and held on to the pipes just minutes before he went to church. I had calculated the travelling time would be around ten minutes. If only I had known that it would be the longest ten minutes of my life. My hands had shivered as I had hurriedly tried to get a strong grip on it." Without realizing, my eyes glaze over and I am back in those moments as I narrate them to him.

My hand shakes as I try to hold myself in position. Come on Andy, I mentally tell myself, get a hard grip before Dad comes. I need to find out where and how I want to celebrate my birthday. My hands shiver a lot as the fear keeps putting doubt in me. What if I get hurt by something on the road? What if I fall? What if I can't hold on? I nearly give up but the one thing that makes me grip the machinery tighter is the desire to beat these doubts.

Before I can do anything more though, I hear my dad step into the garage. "Andy, wake up now. I am going to church and the breakfast is on the table." He shouts towards my bedroom upstairs as he walks to the car. If only he knew I hadn't slept last night at all to make this an interesting one. On second thought, it is better that he doesn't know.

A strong shiver goes through me when he slams the car door shut after getting in and I barely contain the yelp that escapes me when he starts the car. All the fake bravado is now gone and all I can think of now is that I really don't want to do this. And as a shuddering noise fills the garage as the door opens, I begin to loosen my hold over the car's underside. But things backfire as my hands are now stuck and I cannot move myself away. The fear that grips me is a bone-chilling one and so is the noise I let out when I feel the car begin to move. And I curse dad's habit of honking the horn before leaving the house when he doesn't hear me.

The driveway is left behind as I feel the tarmac brush against my back. I don't even try to breathe, fearing it might make me get a more dangerous contact with the ground. I aim to be absolutely frozen in my position as the car drives to the church. But only a minute later, my body begins to shatter my illusion of being able to hold on to the car perfectly when I feel my arms begin to ache. And without realizing it, I lower my body to relax it.

The scrape against the still tarmac of my fast moving body peels the back layers of cloth and skin away and I yell. For reasons I would never know, dad didn't hear it. And though I cried, I never shouted again as the fear of being caught invaded again. In my mind, thousands of different scenarios played around and none of them ended even slightly well for me. One even had my father dumping me in the Witchbury Falls with a large stone tied to me in anger at me for risking my life like this.

And so even though my hands ached, my fingers were numb from the blood loss, my head hurt from trying to resist the sleepiness and my back burned and bled from the scraping against the floor, I held on. I held on to the car until we reached the church and I only prayed, to anyone who would listen, for strength to be able to keep myself from getting hurt any further. Whoever did hear me was gracious enough to give me the strength to hold on and that was how I reached the church. I remember holding on to the pipes as tightly as I can to stop myself from falling or worse. I also desperately pray that I am not seen by anyone in my hiding spot.

"Andy! Andy!" I feel disoriented as the unfamiliar place around me shakes. After several seconds, my mind remembers where I was and I realize that I am the one trembling while Zach calls me out of my panic attack. I try to look up to him but I can't as I still feel my body reliving the memory. The fear and helplessness of those ten minutes still affect my mind as I try to return to the present.

After several minutes of silence in the room, filled somewhat only by my deep breathing and the sharp panting as the fear leaves me, Zach clears his throat and I look at him. Gone is the resolve to be a stranger to him right now. I am at my weakest in this moment and I have no doubt that all he sees within me is the broken and scared kid that I have always tried to somewhat hide from him. "If you want, you can go." I take a violent deep breath as a fear of being finally rejected by him settles in and he quickly adds in a still uncertain tone. "... or you can stay here to recuperate. I can leave if you want."

I don't respond and I hear him leave the chair. A panic consumes me, demanding that I do not let him leave and I open my eyes – that I don't remember closing – and whisper a one-word plea. "Stay." He is almost at the door when he hears the defeated emotion behind that one word and he stops. Then he turns towards me and slowly walks towards me.

It is as if my mind processes that only by keeping him curious will ensure his company. And so I continue telling him, even though it pains to spill even a letter out of me. "When I reached the church, I waited for a few moments for dad to get in the church and freed my hands as soon as I could then. The scream I let out when collapsed back on that painful rough and cold tarmac was just as worse as the first but no one heard me. And before anyone could catch me, I ran into the woods. There was a way through the woods that led right to the Witchbury Falls from the church. It was used mainly for church picnics and stuff. I ran right through it and even though I had no idea how to navigate the forests, I ran. It felt like hours, even though it must have been a few minutes at most when I finally reached the fall. And I did the first thing I could think of. I jumped in the swift waters. All that went through my mind was that my back burned and the water looked soothing. I had trust that my swimming would be capable of helping me be safe.

I nearly drowned. The sharp pain that zinged through my back made me scream out loud and I swallowed lots of water, releasing my much-needed air. Combining that with the tired limbs and the sleepiness, I couldn't have swam even if the water had been only knee-deep. I flung my arms around in the water in my search for any support but I had no sense of direction. Everything around me was black and my lungs burned. My fingers hit some rocks haphazardly and although I got some cuts and scratches, none were strong enough to hold onto. My vision was slowly fading as the lack of oxygen kept torturing my lungs.

And so desperately, I chose to take one last chance to jump upwards, at least what looked like upwards, and used all my strength. It wasn't my day to die despite the close brushes with death as I finally emerged from the water. It hurt but I sucked in as much air as I could before the force of the push faded. But this time I didn't stop moving in the direction of the dry land until I had crawled far away from the rapids going from the waterfall. The pull of the exhaustion was so great that I couldn't even try to resist. And that was how my dad found me."

I return to the present and see that Zach is back on his seat. My breathing is still a little irregular but I guess it would be fine in a few more minutes now. The worst parts are over. "What did you tell him Andy?"

Letting out a pitying laugh, I answered the one spoken and the countless unspoken questions. "Nothing I said would have been reasonable enough for the severe injuries on my back. It had to be kept bandaged for a month. My unbelievable excuse was that I was still sleepy while having a walk near the top of the waterfall and slipped and fell. I hurt my back when a rock jutting out from the waterfall hurt me. I was lucky really that his concern overpowered any other emotion he might have felt. I was grounded for one month but I took it in stride. I too had a promise to keep. I had been lucky that I hadn't fainted immediately from the pain when I had impulsively jumped into those rapid waters. I would have never made it out alive then. My birthday wasn't worth the trouble anymore. Nothing was. It was time to quit. And it was my final decision on the matter."

_A bold declaration but one that couldn't be kept._ My mind points out and I feel guilty for breaking my word. If only I had been strong enough then...

"Did no one suspect? And how did you relapse?" Zach asks with a hint of curiosity in his voice though I can't tell whether it is real or is faked. I guess that being a psychiatrist does train him in faking his own emotions well.

"Some might have spoken a word or two but none of them were even close to the truth and so were quickly forgotten. Things were going on well and I tried so hard to resist the urge. But once the time of three weeks, my standard back then, was over, it was all I could think of. The issue with making final declaration about things is that with time, perspective changes and so the decisions have to be reconsidered. Every single thought of mine would be haunted by the ideas of my next great stunt. I couldn't even sleep properly when I even dreamed about pulling off some realistically impossible ideas. It was quite an annoyance.

And only three days after these thoughts began, the mess of my emotions began to affect me. I would snap at anyone for no reason at all. It doesn't matter if my victim had only been breathing, if it annoyed me then I had no hesitation in berating him, or her, even if we were in public. Everyone, including me, was confused by this. I had no idea on why this was happening. Dad was worried about my sudden and early growth into a surly teenager. My friends started to become distant. And then the crash happened." I pause a moment to take my breath when Zach speaks.

"Crash? What happened?" His voice is now clearly interested. He is also scribbling in his notepad at such a fast speed that I wonder if he will be able to read anything later out of all that he is writing right now. Even I have to believe he isn't doodling right now.

"It wasn't a physical crash. It's what I call that one moment that broke my resolve. I had been watching a movie with my friends in the theatre and there was an intense action scene coming. You know how your heartbeat speeds up in anticipation, how adrenaline flows through your body as if you really are going to be living that action and how you are intensely aware of the entire world around you? I felt it start building within me as well but when the awaited screen started, I crashed. Instead of the pleasure of savouring the anticipation that I should have felt, there was a gaping hole inside me. And what was worse that I didn't even feel a little bit of panic on this revelation.

Combining it with all the other signs of my emotional impairment, it was obvious that this lack of my ability to feel was the result of not giving in to my brain. And I couldn't help but remember Ed's warning. It will dull your normal feelings and you will have an itch for more, he had said. And in that moment, as the crowd around me cheered as how the hero survived once again by foiling his enemies' plans, I had realized I had become addicted.

When the movie was over, I walked out with my friends, the only one not jumping with excitement over the film. And that sense of loneliness in the familiar crowd was the last straw that broke my resolve. I didn't want to be alone again. And so I decided to continue these stunts in secret until I would finally be bored of them one day. That day hasn't arrived yet and I doubt it ever will. Not that breaking my resolve helped that much when all that I had feared did happen.

Three hours after having that realization and deciding to break my word, I was back underneath that waterfall while being hidden in the cover of the night. It was as if being there in a different set of conditions was to try something completely new and I was energized with life once again. Those feelings of anticipation returned and I had laughed in relief. You can never know how freeing it had been to feel again. I was addicted but right then it didn't matter. Nothing mattered except the fact that I had myself again."

When the silence is all that is left in the room after I finish, Zach prods again. "Was that the only time you tried to quit before?" I mentally sigh as a thought appears. _It is as if Zach knows just which buttons to push on me to remind me of my worst memories._

"No." My voice is a little low than usual but it isn't any less clear than before. "I tried once again later when Simon had his accident. It had been my fault and after all that happened, I had promised to break free of this, no matter what."

From Zach's expression, it is clear that he wants me to continue but there is a knock on the door before his secretary, Angela, enters. "I'm sorry to interrupt but it is 12:40 now and your 12:30 appointment, Mr Carson, is still waiting outside." I resist a smile at how authoritatively she talks to Zach. It is as if she is the boss here. She shoots me a small smile as she leaves and I respond similarly.

Taking my excuse to leave him now, I stand up and make my point. "I will take my leave now, Dr Collins. Until next time." I can't help but be pleased at the slight stiffening of his frame when I refer to him as Dr Collins again. And as I leave his office, I decide that I would keep this up for a few, maybe two, more sessions.

### EXTRA: SHARING THE SECRET

"Alright Mrs Robinson. I will talk to you later, okay? Gotta see him now." I stand up properly now that it is 11:30 and I see his current patient leaving. She looks at me with a smile while dealing with her paperwork and other stuff before greeting Mr Cain as he leaves.

"Andy, just a minute please." I was just about to go for the office when she calls me. Being already halfway to the door from her desk, I turned around to look at her in confusion. _What happened?_ "Look, I don't know what happened last week but Zach was really worried after your session. He wouldn't tell me much – and I couldn't really force him to share – but he did share that he hadn't been respectful of your feelings and he looked extremely sorry for that. So I was hoping you could forgive him now."

The smile I always keep for her momentarily falters as the event in question comes back to my mind. After a week of thinking, I had realized that he hadn't intended to offend and it was an innocent mistake. So forgiving him had been my only choice. But as she just reminded me about the incident, I also recalled my decision to let him suffer for some time. _I suppose one week is enough for him_. With a nod and my smile at her, I turned around and walked into the office. Zach, for the first time since my first visit, stands up to greet me as I enter and my decision changes. _Okay, forgiveness time at the end of the session._

"How have you been Andy?" He looks normal and he sounds normal. If Angela hadn't just told me about his worried self, I would not have noticed how his body was just a little stiff. I don't respond as I take my seat, letting him assume that I am still angry at him. I peek at him from the corner of my vision to see him tense even further. It takes all my resolve to not begin to laugh or give any indication that I am faking this anger.

After almost half a minute has passed, I respond to him in a surly tone. "Just fine, Dr Collins. Just fine." On the outside I don't respond to the slight fall of his shoulders in disappointment at my stubbornness to not call him Zach to his face anymore but on the inside I am relieved that my voice didn't betray my amusement. But then Zach picks up his notepad and I immediately remember all the talking we did and didn't in the last session. And the amusement dissipates within seconds.

It is as if the mere thought of that day is more than enough to send me back into my past. I knew what he was going to come up with as the first thing to talk about. So I did the only thing to stop him from bringing up one of my major mistakes for discussion. I stalled him. "After my last session, my desperation and anger to get away hadn't managed to kick off the memories from taking over me." I spoke and he swallowed whatever he had been about to speak as he heard me out. "In the fifteen minute walk, all emotions had disappeared. I had become the damaged goods I had always been trying to repair myself from again.

The first thing I did upon getting home was to lock myself in my room. Mom was concerned about this but she also didn't pry. Over weeks, she had finally begun to accept that there were things I had to process on my own. This type of situation happened especially after stressful sessions and we had gotten quite used to them.

As soon as the door was locked, I stripped off my shirt and looked at my back in the mirror. The scars were still there, as they shall always be, but they had faded quite a lot. And as I ran my fingers across them, all I could think was about that broken promise. So much had happened because I wasn't strong enough to do what I had promised myself. I had destroyed everything I cared for because I wasn't willing to suffer through bad choices. The silent tears screamed the apologies I wasn't strong enough to deliver. And there was only one thing my heart truly wanted. Her.

And so though it wasn't true to the rule we set of never looking back, though it would get no positive effect on anything, though it won't change anything, I did the only thing I could. This one selfishness was so powerful that it could have ruined everything I was trying for. I didn't care. I never was strong enough when it came to resisting her. And so I waited for her to pick up her ringing phone." I close my eyes now as I remember that moment.

I remember how sweaty my palms were. How much I was shaking. In fear. In anticipation. As the phone kept ringing on her side, I wondered what would be her reaction. _Would she be happy to hear from me? Would she be mad? Would she cry? Or would she be indifferent? Would she even take the call?_ I gave up and was about to hang up when her strong voice came from the other side. "Hello."

People say heaven is provided after death. People say nothing on Earth compares to even an inch of what heaven could be. I would've betted my soul against them in that instant. I froze as the heartbreak I didn't even know I was nursing began to heal itself. It hurt but it didn't hurt badly. It was as if her voice had been a gulp of air a drowning man so strongly desires. Her voice had been a band aid on my soul. "Who is this? Hello?" She spoke again with a little annoyance and sanity came back.

I flinched away from the phone in horror at how close I had been to destroying whatever recovery she might have made. I didn't want to believe anything else and so I had to believe she was recovering too. But that would mean that if I did anything to be recognized, we would be back where we started. And so though we had been on two opposite sides of a call, there was an impenetrable barrier between us. I sighed and was about to hang up when it happened. She recognized me.

"Andy? Is that you?" _God that girl recognized me just by my sigh_. I prayed to whoever was hearing to bring us together again. And then I did what killed me to do. I hung up on her. The tears that erupted from the freshly wounded heart shook every inch of me and I cried. My mind kept pointing out that she wouldn't forgive me after I hung up on her. _She had sounded so hopeful!_

It was a long night. I couldn't sleep. So all I did was stare at her pictures online. I have always hated 'Facebook stalking' but right then, it was the only way to console myself." I shake my head a little as I remember what I saw in the photos. "It wasn't much of a consolation. I saw her back among the groups she had always been. She always was a force too powerful to ever be ignored. And so she had been taken in by her social groups once again, despite her involvement with me. In every single photo she smiled. But only I had known where to really look and I am still haunted by the sadness hidden in her eyes. She hurts but puts up a strong front.

It was the power of these photos that made me take another promise. A promise to never contact her again. I need her to move on. That call was a moment of weakness that I will never regret. But it can't happen again. I thought you should know what happened." I finally quieten and look at Zach. He looks at me with a strange look on his face and I squirm a little. _What happened?_

"Did you catch something major while you told me about this?" Zach slowly asks and I raise my eyebrow, wondering what he is getting into. "The call, Andy. You just said that you felt nothing when you got home but just from the thought of Kylie, you felt fear, anticipation, happiness, horror, regret and sadness. From your journal too, I noticed how you held her as you potential cure. I have a feeling you were right. You might have to break another promise but it will only help you." There is shock numbing everything inside me as I understand what he is saying. _Everything he is saying is true. You should just accept it_. And the fact is that I have. I just don't know what to do with it.

"I want to be with her again." I confess. "But I can't. I can't bear if she has to go through social isolation because of me. She won't tell me but I have a feeling that's what will happen in the end. And even if I try, her parents won't agree. They judged me too, if I didn't make it clear. They won't let their daughter be with someone like me. Hell, in their position, even I wouldn't. Not even if us being together could cure cancer. For them, a 'we' would heartbreak and destroyed life for her is waiting to happen when I just slide away too far from her." It is as much as a reminder of why I can't as it is an explanation of why I can't. _Kylie doesn't deserve a damaged me. She deserves the best there is._

"Does she want the best? Or does she just want you as you are? Some sessions ago, you yourself believed that she didn't love you. Now you believe she did. Let the fear of being judged by her fade, Andy. Do you think she loves you? That she loved you?" Zach asks in response to the words I didn't realize I spoke aloud. I think hard about it but there is no doubt within me on what her answer would have been.

"She would have taken me, however I was, but I can't go back to her like this. And that is my final decision. Nothing you can say will change my mind and you better not even try to contact her or have her contacted." There is a moment of silence as the declaration settles deep within both of us and the part of me that desperately craves her weeps in pain.

Finally, with a quarter of an hour already spent, Zach clears his throat and starts over. "Alright Andy. There's enough catching up done. Let's talk about what we were supposed to last time. You said you tried to quit once more but failed after Simon's accident. Would you tell me all about what happened?"

I have no idea at all how to word what he just said in a better way but I am pretty sure that isn't how I would have liked it to be. That request could be substituted for 'I want you to rip off your painful band aids of the past mistakes'.

"Among our group in Witchbury Falls, everyone was close to one another and knew which secrets to never leak. They were also quite respectful of wishes for privacy. My entire group knew that I had some 'secret stuff' that I couldn't give up. There were theories, from simple embarrassing yoga to ridiculous alien abductions, but none had ever even guessed anywhere close. But we had Simon in our group as well. He was always the quieter one among us, even though he was supposed to be loud and obnoxious like Luke and ... Jacob." My voice momentarily falters as I remember him. The truth is that all three were my abusers but I had met and trusted Jacob first and his indifference had hurt. "There was always a desire to satisfy his curiosity and when we were all fifteen, he decided that my 'secret stuff' was the curiosity he wanted to know. He began following me with the excuse of some reason or other. It wasn't obvious to me at first but when I realized that I kept seeing him everywhere I went, I knew he was onto me. I mean, he was my stalker. When I was driving, he would be tailing me. If I was shopping, I knew he would be around, hiding just out of sight. Most of the times I wouldn't even know he was there when I would get a feeling of being watched. It went like that for almost two weeks and I knew my time was over. My ability to hold out against it had become mere thirteen days now. Anger clawed within me as he kept me from getting my fix. There wasn't really a choice to be made but I couldn't control the urges any longer.

And on the night of the thirteenth day, a desperate idea came to me. Creating a fake identity, I created a blog and posted about the first daredevil act of mine: the walking into the waterfall on slippery rocks. I went through the post a thousand times, trying to see for any clues that I might have left which would risk my identity. But unless he tried to find the exact IP of the fake identity, I was safe. And then the next morning, I struggled really hard not to make things too easy or suspicious for him as I 'stumbled' upon my post while surfing the web on his phone. And then came the moment that could do it all. I acted the best I ever have.

I took a small gasp as I 'read' the post and then quickly darted my eyes up and around to see if anyone was noticing me. Simon hadn't really been noticing but he noticed my slightly exaggerated tells and I felt his eyes as I quickly hid it from view and closed the page. The last part that could ensure him of my fear was the unsuccessful attempt to delete the history. I handed him the phone just before clearing it and acted for an instant that I was relieved on deleting history before joining other's conversation. From the corner of my vision though, I saw him look at the page and I knew he had taken the bait.

I made the usual excuse of 'secret stuff' for the evening and left for the waterfall, being completely aware of his car following me. As I reached my destination, I took my shirt and shoes off before walking into the waterfall." I pause my narration to speak directly to Zach. "I never tried the same stunt again ever except that one time. The situation was different and I guess that is what truly helped. I no longer wondered which parent to choose in there. I had wondered if I really want to come open to them all. For the only time in my life, I didn't get a proper answer. All I got was an advice to wait and see how Simon would respond to this before confessing." I pause another moment and then settle back into what happened. What I hadn't realized as a possibility.

"Simon arrives just as I finished dressing again. In that one instant, a strange fear took over me and I felt the urge to hide from him. His eyes were bright with knowledge and as he walked towards me, there were thousands of things, most which I didn't even realize, staring back at me. But I did know one thing with certainty: He knew.

'So this is your secret stuff, is it Jonah?' He had asked casually and I had the urge to flinch. Never before he had called me by my first name and I feel there is a huge distance between us. 'This daredevil stuff? Are you addicted to it, Jonah? Because I have a feeling you do. Over the years, your time delays have been decreasing and then there are all the mysterious wounds you turn up with.' Then he paused for a moment as he walked to the waterfall behind and continued. 'This is where it all began, isn't it? How did it start? Who taught you?'

My insides had felt like they were about to be set on fire but I tried a casual voice to laugh off his accurate theories. 'You really need to stop reading detective novels. You are way out of line. My secret stuff is secret for a reason. Leave that alone. That post was exciting and the temptation to try it was irresistible. What you choose to see from this is your choice.

Leave my secret stuff alone Simon. I have to get ready for my date with Kylie now. I like her and I really want our first date to go well. So don't start anything that you can't control once you realize that you made assumptions without all the fact, Sherlock. Now, I – wait, what are you doing?' I screamed at him as I saw him undress as well.

'Testing my theory, Jonah. And your explanation. I must see why it was so tempting.' Simon says as he drops his shirt and begins to take off his shoes. It is not until he takes off his socks that my shock finally wears off and I remember something urgent.

'Keep the shoes on, Simon. The rocks are too slippery. And I know you can't swim.' I shout back at him and he gives me a rebellious smile at me. 'Didn't the article emphasize the need to be in a scary situation?' He quotes and I immediately remind him. 'No, the article said the fear situation had to be controlled. By not being able to swim, you aren't helping yourself.'

'And there is the truth. You used terminology that the writer only hinted: fear situation. Still not going to accept? Make your choice. I will be underneath that waterfall.' I am once again paralysed in my position but not by shock this time. It's fear controlling me. And by the time, I come out of it, it's too late. Simon has slipped.

'ANDY! HELP!' He screams from the water just before his head goes under and I barely kick my shoes off before jumping in the water. I always learned that while swimming, water was just a loose extension of ours. In those moments, it was my arch-enemy and I couldn't see a thing around me. The rush of the water silenced any of his screams and I tried to focus to see if there was any chance I could see his form around. The pool of water at the base of the fall was very deep and I quickly swam around while looking for him to cover as much area as possible. Just when I was about to get back to the surface for more air, I saw him still at the base of the pool among the weeds.

My lungs burned but I didn't leave the water until I had him. It took CPR and an ambulance to get all the water out. Everyone was worried at this 'accident' in which he slipped from the rocks while trying to sit on them. He didn't wake up for an entire day. I prayed to whoever listened and promised everything I could. I promised to stop driving – a gift from father and town for me being an ideal kid - until I was sixteen, I promised to stop wasting my time and concentrate on studies, etc. It was as if the heaven's desire to make me promise to stop because as soon as the words left my mouth, he woke up.

He was terrified of water. He couldn't even stand the sight of water in a glass or his IV drip. He was lost now. The smart but silent kid seemed to have been left behind in the pool while a scared kid took his body. Till the minute I left Witchbury Falls, he hasn't fully recovered. His days of investigations are over. But he never told my secret. Because I told him of my promise. And he believed me. Or maybe it was my guilt he believed. But he kept his silence on my involvement."

"What happened to the blog post?" Zach asks and his sudden distraction from my confession momentarily confuses me. Then as the fog clears, I respond to him. "It was removed an hour after Simon woke up. The account deleted. And I prayed that no one else ever read that."

"The first month was all well. The urge was there but I suppressed it. It wasn't easy but I did it for my promise. I already had broken the promise once and I wasn't going to do so again. Five years had passed and still I had been as naïve as ever. I suspect I always will be but that doesn't matter right now. It was another fortnight later that the urge started affecting me. I hid it but I could not hide it for long. Kylie, whom I had been seeing for almost a month now, caught it first and then Kevin did. A strange sensation of laziness came over me and I recognised the signs. The depression was rearing its ugly head again.

I should have quit. Gotten some therapy for my guilt and healed. But the fear of being ridiculed was too high. And so I had relapsed once again. I took my car for a night ride and drove on the straight empty road at full throttle without even touching the breaks and finished it with a 180 degree turn that overturned the car three times. The airbags saved me but the deed was done. My promises were broken and I was well again."

I finish and silently look at Zach while he scribbles stuff down. There is a long silence in waiting, even though it must be only seconds that I spend staring at my own work for him. And in my mind, there is a clash. Like _, was that really me with Simon that day and the same me did that painting as well?_ I don't know if the treatment works or not but I feel that for so long I was just watching a movie and I finally woken up. Most of the details are blurring but I still remember the overall theme. If I hadn't lived it, I wouldn't believe it.

"Andy, what do you now think of that incident when you look back to that day?" Zach asks and 'guilt' is right at the tip of my tongue when I pause. He never asks questions that are obvious to answer. And so I think of what I really feel instead of what I always felt. And its sadness.

"I feel sadness. So much of our hormones and lies controlled us that we ignored the danger. I didn't want him to know the truth, even though he did at that point. And he was just being too cocky to prove that he was as good as me when it came to being a daredevil and ignored my warnings. I feel sad that it happened, that we didn't trust each other enough but the residual guilt is still here. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow but one day, someday, I won't feel any guilt about it."

"Very good." Zach commends me and I feel a little bit more of the guilt fade away. It is clear that he supports what I think and it helps a fragile part of me that seeks his approval. I decide that he has earned my forgiveness now since he had a valid reason to be judgemental but he wasn't and that is a major good point for him in my mind. "Simon, as from your journals, hasn't let go of the fact that in the end, he still blames you for what happened. There's nothing really you can do for him because only he himself can make peace with all that truly happened."

There is a pause and I know he is wondering. Twice I have sat in this chair and recounted how I lapsed. I smile at him. "I haven't lapsed, Dr Collins. This time, I intend to hold my word close to me. After all, I do have you to help me. You and my mom and dad and all my friends."

As soon as I finish, Angela knocks again and my eyes directly wander to the clock. It's time to leave. She enters just as I stand up and I give both of them a smile as I pass Angela, who has paused upon seeing that I am already leaving, and I greet them both.

"Goodbye, Zach. Goodbye, Angela."

Angela responds in kind with a glee in her voice while there is no response from Zach. And I smile at getting the last word in as I leave back to home. Tomorrow is a new day. A perfect time for a new beginning.

Tomorrow is the time when I tell my friends about everything.

### EXTRA: COMING OUT

You've got to do this. You promised this to yourself and Zach. You owe them this.

They don't know anything. Lie to Zach. Bury your guilt. Never let them know. People can't really accept it. You already saw this once. Don't go through this again.

The bell rings as I open the door to Shay's café, our regular hangout. Honestly I wonder how I heard the bell ring with the screams my heart makes against the ribs. I look around as I search for them and the fear is paralyzing. The place is packed with folks from school. _I can't do this_. It is as if fates want me to do this. Because just as my eyes finish the sweep, I spot the entire group sitting on one of the side tables. They are all in some sort of discussion and just as I begin to turn around to leave, Simon looks up and spots me. The grin he gives me is a little uncomfortable – well, since he told us that he hasn't a reason to smile ever before meeting us, it's understandable – but it is enough to get the attention of the rest of the group. I'm pretty sure that my expression is one of a deer caught in the headlights but I can't really control it as thousands of thoughts go through my mind.

I can't do this. This place is so full. What if someone overhears? What if they don't like who I was before? Would they like who I really am? Will this be the last time they would smile at me? Why is this place so full? I think I'm going to puke. Can I still make an escape? Do I really want to?

My mind is a mess and I realize that if I don't control them, I would be having a panic attack in front of everyone. Which is why I decide to tackle the worries I can take care of. "Guys, can we go someplace quiet? I need to talk and I can't do it with all these people." I gesture with my hands at the rest of the customers. The greeting smiles fade a little from their faces as confusion takes over.

"Hey, Jonah, everything okay?" Peter asks and I quickly shake my head in negative.

"Not here, guys. Can we go anywhere else please?" I croak out and worry emerges on their faces as well. Well, on everyone except Simon's, but we really are used to him masking his emotions. He says he has always been trying to hide them just to see if he could. A lousy excuse but whatever. His mask had clearly fallen off whenever he was with Claire though. Also, that reminds me. "Where is Claire?"

"Let's go Andy." Sam says and all of them begin to leave while Simon informs us that Claire was still hurting over her father's death and would not be coming out for a few more days. The nerves in my stomach still want me to hurl but I keep telling myself that it will all be fine. But even I don't know if that's true.

The drive over to the Olympic Sculpture Park is full of tension. We gather at our usual picnic spot hidden deep in the park and as soon as everyone arrives, Melissa snaps at me. "Alright, Peters. What is it? You have us all half-worried to death."

I take a deep breath and look around at all the concerned faces around me. And I wonder. _How bad could it be?_ So as I release it, I try to speak at a normal speed and not rush the words out. "I have an addiction."

There is silence before John asks. "So?" And I take in their expressions. The worry is now gone but the curiosity is stronger than before. "What is it? What's the addiction? Alcohol, Cocaine, Weed... what is it?" Melissa asks and I can already guess that how she will be my sponsor for the 12-step programme.

"Calm down Melissa. I haven't told you guys everything." I say and I look around for some comfort. And Simon, though he stands a little apart from the rest of us, gives me an encouraging smile. I take a deep breath and continue. "To get what I mean by my addiction, you need to understand my past." There is a serious urge to break eye contact and just say it out loud but I resist. Why? I don't know.

"Ever since I have been six years old, I have had this addiction." The pleasure of seeing all their eyes widen in shock is a momentary relief. "I never could make a choice. Never could be sure enough that it was what I really wanted." I pause to take a breath so as to calm the trembling tone in my voice. "Everyone has to make choices and I didn't want to regret my choices like some people did, wondering if it would have been better to have chosen the other thing. You know, the road not taken." I stop as I realize I am rambling and making excuses for what I did. They need to know me as I am, not how I present me in a slightly-better way.

"On the day of my parents' divorce, I met a man who told me just how to make these choices." I close my eyes and as clearly as the day that we met, I can see him. I never found out who he was, where he was from or what he was choosing. But I know that he was real. I hope he didn't share my fate. "All of you have seen my painting 'Fear To Live For' right?"

All of them nod and I see the complete truth dawn in their eyes almost immediately after. And immediately, their mouths drop open in shock. I nod at the unspoken question between us and continue. "That was just the beginning. By the time I was 10, I was so dangerously addicted that I nearly died. I still have the scars on my back, remember them? That's when I tried to quit. I ended up depressed. And then started again."

_Control your guilt. Remember what Zach told you_. "It was all under control, as much as it could be controlled, until one of my friend figured it out. I foolishly tried to teach him as well but he ended up scarred for life. He still has troubles with water and swimming is no longer an option for him. I believed that was my fault for so long. It still is but he isn't blameless either. And then, eight months ago, through well-intentioned but foolish friends, this came out in the public." And then I let them piece things together. The stares and glares and the innuendos from the teachers. The whispers in the school corridors who looked back at my past. The newspaper articles that school re-published.

"Do... Do you still act on the addiction?" Tyler slowly asks in an emotionless voice and I feel a sadness well from deep within. _He won't be a friend anymore_. I look around and see the question in all the eyes. Well, except one.

"No, he doesn't." Simon steps forward and announces and everyone looks at him in shock. I see the wariness ( _Did he know already?_ ), the suspicion ( _Is he one too?_ ) and more in the eyes of the others. Simon sees them too but doesn't respond. "Don't you guys remember how he was before? He was depressed. You haven't tried it again since you were caught, were you?" I meekly nod as everyone's eyes return to me and he continues. "Are you seeing a psychiatrist?"

_How does he know? I guess he does pay attention while in silence_. "Yes. Since the very next day I got here. Zach has been very helpful. There have been good days and there have been bad days. But no, I haven't relapsed. Yet." At their suddenly confused expressions, I explain my answer. "Addictions can't be beaten permanently, guys. I will always have the danger of relapsing."

"Is this why you told us? To tell us that we might find out you are dead one day so that we understand?" John asks in anger and I flinch. _It's happening again_. I am about to apologize and say that I will never talk to them again if it helps when Melissa grabs my arm.

"You idiot! He's reaching out for help, not warning us of his impending death." She scolds him and then turns to me. "You are in so much trouble that you cannot imagine. How dare you keep something like this from us? We are your friends. We all know about most of your past Andy. It's kind of hard not to snoop into you when you already had such great reception by that Snow on the first day. Still..." Her voice trails off. Then, she adds with pointed glares towards Samuel and John.

"Yeah we understand what you are trying but it doesn't mean that we are completely okay with it. You need to give us time to think more about it." Others, even Mel, nod with him. Honestly, I would be worried if they were fine with it all instantly.

"So..." Mel speaks and I control a groan and shiver. It's her excited tone. "... what exactly did you do?"

"Melissa!" All of us shout and she winces.

"All right! All right! I won't try them. I promise. But please, tell me what things you tried." She asks and I have to sigh. She's gone into 'super-persistent' mode and there is no escaping it. Even if I try to let her down now and somehow succeed, she will pester me and make my life a hell (in a good way, of course) in order to find out.

"Any chance that you would let this drop?" Alex asks and the rest of us try to not to laugh at the death glare she points at him. He actually takes a step back as if it would help. "I would take that as a no, then." He mumbles and I can't help the laugh from escaping my mouth.

The death glare turns to me and although I am terrified of what she might do, I point out calmly to her. "We're gonna need blankets. This is going to be a long discussion. And I need you all to stay. Don't talk to me if you don't want to. Don't even listen to us if it helps. But if it is the last time we all will be here before breaking apart because of me, I want to extend it as long as we can."

Melissa stills (and probably stops breathing as well) and then, to my horror, her anger erupts. "Andrew Jonah Peters! How dare you? We don't choose friends to drop later as per convenience. We are friends for life. Deal with it. Yes, this is a major bump in that friendship but we will all stick together. Or I will set fire to the deserter's car." Melissa adds that last line while glaring at all of us. I swallow a gulp, as I suspect others do as well, at her threat. Unlike others, she does go through with her threat but you will never find one evidence of it. She's, sadly for the possible deserters and good for me, a genius devil. "So what did you do?" She asks again and I wonder if I thought favourably of her too soon.

"Promise not to even think about trying?" I ask her completely seriously and she nods quickly. _Too quickly_. I clear my throat and her gaze narrows. It is the first time her glare fails on me. "Promise." I repeat and finally accepting that someone did withstand her glare and wasn't giving up, she promises.

"Tell her to promise not to keep stealing treats from me." Peter pipes up and I almost burst out laughing. Most of the others turn away with their shoulders shaking in silent laughter when Mel turns to glare at him.

"You are so going to buy me a huge dinner at the costliest place on Earth, Peter. Mark my words. I will get my treat. I promise that. You happy?" Poor Peter has paled so much that he might as well be a vampire. He barely nods before she turns back to me. "Come on, Peters. Out with them already."

And so I tell them. About the walking into the waterfall on a new moon. About suspending myself to the base of dad's car while he went to church and hurting myself. About reckless driving with brakes disabled (hey, I had airbags for safety), about bungee-jumping the car, about standing on the tallest tree while heavy winds tried to blow me away. And many more.

We came here before noon but it is sundown by the time I am done narrating all of my stunts since I was six. Melissa has been sworn thrice that she wouldn't do anything that I did and the guys swore twice that they wouldn't try something they felt was 'cool'. When it was your neck on the line, nothing was cool. Nothing was worth it. Just to scare them off of trying them, I told them some of the stories of how the town treated me once my secret was out.

"Wow" Tyler breathes in awe once I finally finish. "You really were imaginative when you put your mind to be a daredevil. To think of how you would have been if you had been here all this time..."

_Danger alert!_ "Then I would have either been caught or dead. There isn't a lot to do in here without either of the two happening. That small town had some perks, like being able to keep things secret if you really tried."

"Alright guys, I have to go. I need to check on Claire. And I'm hungry." Simon says and then points at me while others laugh, reminding us all that I pulled them out for the confession while they were in that café to eat.

"My treat then." I announce and that seems to re-energize everyone. Everyone keeps shouting destinations before they settle on one. And before I know it, most of them are already gone. Only Simon, me and Tyler are left and even Simon leaves to call Claire.

It is then I notice Tyler's stiff body and realize that I haven't explained my behaviour to him. As he begins to walk away to join the rest, my mind screams at me. _Stop him. Tell him. Apologize._ Now I don't know about the rest but apologies don't come easily to me. Anger outbursts? I can do that very well. But apologies? That makes me speechless.

By the time I do accept that I need to clear the air between us, Tyler is already quite far away. _Don't let him just go._ My brain, annoyingly in Zach's voice warns me. _He still doesn't get why you act towards him like you do. Make it clear to him. Or he will forever resent you for it._

"Hey Tyler! Wait a minute." I call out to him while signalling the rest to go ahead. I have taken care of the rest but he deserves more. His entire body is stiff and though his face shows surprise, he also looks uncomfortable here. "Man, you guys know almost the entire story but there is one part that I cannot share with them before sharing with you."

His yellow eyes seem to pin me to my ground as I try to give him a proper apology. "In Witchbury Falls, I had a group of friends. Aside from my girlfriend Kylie, my best-friend Kevin and the secret blower Luke, the rest turned into bullies once the secret was out. One of my first friends and the football team quarterback was Jacob Andrews."

His expression begins to relax as he realizes what I am trying to say. "It was bad. That is all I will share about what he did. Even the mention of his name terrified me. And you had the same first name as him. I'm so sorry, Tyler, but I just couldn't relax around you. I always feared that if I trust a Jacob again, he would betray it again. But that is not the truth. I do trust you and what I did to you wasn't fair at all. I will try to control myself and show the respect you deserve, not the fear your namesake generated in me." Once the rush of words is over and all that is left is silence, I can only think of how awkward it was to get it all out. Whoever said that guys can't express emotions (Mel did) was true. Getting those words out was hard. I hope I never have to do so again.

"Why didn't you act guilty around Layweigh?" He asks and I find the fact slightly surprising as well. And then I nearly jump out of my skin when a voice comes out from behind me.

"He has acted guilty around me, Jacob." Simon points out as he comes out from behind a tree trunk. _Was he hiding there for our private talk all along?_ "He has always given my opinions a preference. I'm sure you noticed that. Others did. Melissa even confronted me about it." I look back at my actions if I really have been giving him a preferential treatment and I realize that I have. "So are we good?"

He asks and I turn to Tyler for his answer. It is a torturous wait before he smiles.

"Andy, you took me away from my food. You are going to buy me whatever I want."

Everything's okay, then.

###  CHAPTER 11

6 years later

_Oh god. Not today. Please, maybe tomorrow or the day after tomorrow but not today!_ Sadly, these words are said mentally for the, most likely, hundredth time with no trace of it whatsoever on my fake smile at the people around me. Today is my first solo exhibition and I definitely don't need it. "Please excuse me for a moment." I speak politely and walk away from the man I interrupted so rudely just now. I feel his confused stare boring holes in the back of my head but I don't even bother peeking back at him.

All around I see people, rich, famous and important people, walking around and looking at the paintings of a kid who came out of a college with a proper Bachelor degree just a year ago. I saw how many of them are awed were by the works, how many people are crowded around the centre-piece, and the earliest work, of the exhibition. That painting is on the display for the first time in public. Of a teenager boy's silhouette in the middle of a waterfall with his arms spread wide open. The presence of all these people is the result of all the dedication and hard work of this last year. Of constantly trying to stay in the attention of the media and making sure I was not forgotten as just another painter. I would have felt elation or at least excitement at the sight around me on a good day. Today, though, I felt empty inside. Just like a robot, going through the pre-programmed motions.

_Grab it together and bind it well!_ I scream at myself internally as I walk, as calmly as I can manage, to the men's washroom. Thankfully luck favours me as no one stop me again nor anyone else is present in the washroom. It isn't much but for this moment, I gladly take it. Though I have to get it together because taking bathroom breaks every hours in my own exhibition isn't something that speaks positively for me.

For weeks I was excited for this moment, weeks that I also secretly prayed that the attack came already so that tonight would be a safe occasion, when I took my first step in carving my own presence in this world. But the moment I woke up in the morning was more than enough to tell me that it was a bad day. I think today is worse than usual actually.

I went through the entire day with every emotion forced. On the outside I was the usual self but in the inside, I felt empty. No emotion, no feeling, nothing. I went through the day feeling like a zombie. Honestly, in preparation and stuff, it was kind of alright because I didn't panic even when things seemed impossible but now, during the event, this felt like a curse. I didn't want to bother Mom or Dad or Zach though because it would ruin their great mood. Though I suspect that maybe Dad and Zach know, considering from their concerned stares that have been directed at me so many times throughout the day.

Splashing water to hide the fatigue, I look into the eyes of a 23 year old who feels 50 years older than his age and has seen much more pain and misery than others. Unfortunately I can't really counter that feeling with all I have felt and lived. And as I wipe the water away, I practice faking emotions like happiness and surprise again because I know I have to keep using them tonight. I adjust my collar, which is actually already a little loose, to help my breathing get a bit more normal. So when I walk out of that place, I feel a bit of sadness and despair on the inside, for no reason as usual.

"Mr Peters, can I have a moment of your time please?" A woman in a tight business suit comes to me as soon as I exit the washroom. Her supposedly long black hair is in a tight bun and as discreetly as I can manage, I check her identification card. Nikki Marion. Seattle Times. A reporter. _Just great._

Controlling a groan of frustration, I politely try to deflect her attention, "I wish I could but..." I pause as I look around for some excuse to escape her. _For goodness sake, come up with something_. As soon as I look at the man from whom I just ran from, Mr Sanchez, I get it. "... It's just that I was already in the middle of the conversation with Mr Sanchez. Why don't you take a look around and enjoy the show? I will find you as soon as I am done, okay Ms..." I trailed off, pretending I hadn't seen her identification card on her breast pocket yet. Then with a slightly exaggerated show of staring at her name, I finish my sentence. "... Ms Nikki Marion."

She doesn't reply but her expression tells me she is a bit amused. Well, anything to get her off me for a while. I am not really in a condition for her questions right now. I have taken at most three steps, all the while feeling the reporter's gaze on me, when Mr Sanchez turns away from me and walks toward someone else in the distance to talk with. _And there goes my excuse._

"Still going to try to avoid me, Mr Peters? Now that you are momentarily free, maybe you will be willing to talk to me now." She calls from just behind me and I turn around, not having heard those high-heeled shoes make even the slightest noise to signal her approach.

"I haven't been trying to avoid you, Ms Marion. It's just that we really did were talking before I had to leave him for an emergency toilet break." I lie with a fake smile on her face. Her next words, though, reveal there was no use of lying in the first place.

"Really? Because while waiting for the two of you to finish 'talking', I was watching how quiet and distracted you were while Mr Sanchez was speaking. Maybe you call that conversing but from where I stood, it seemed that he was talking at you, not with you." I open my mouth to contradict her but she quickly adds. "And I have been waiting for the past ten minutes watching the two of you so save whatever excuse you have for some other gullible person." _How do you respond to that?_ "I have a lot of questions, Mr Peters, so I would suggest that we pick a relatively secluded area with chairs. Some of the stuff I have? You would not like anyone to hear it." I had no doubt where she was going with this. I had been dreading this for weeks now. _And what's the guarantee you won't spread it?_ None. Still I had no choice and so I led the way to one of the empty office rooms in the back.

The room we end up in seems to be the owner's office. There must have been unique things in the room but I only focus on the two chairs kept on our side of the table. I turn them so that the two face each other and pull them a little more apart, after a moment of thinking, to get some more space between us. I turn and offer her a choice to choose her seat. I am nervous as I take every breath in her presence because I can clearly see that her mind is made up behind that simple amused expression. She takes her own, torturous to me, time in sitting down in the chair and taking out her tape recorder. I barely control myself from stepping in and doing those things myself. If this woman is thinking that by taking her time she can make me more antsy or revealing, she is in for some disappointment. Even in my bad moment, I can feel just a little anger brewing on her. It isn't much but it tells me that the moment might be finally coming to an end.

Alarmed, I start taking deep breaths inconspicuously once I realize that the bad moment I was having just turned worse and my anger wants me to now just squeeze her neck. And as much as I know it would really be fun, I know I can't do that.

"So Mr Peters. Congratulations on your first alone art exhibition and thank you for doing this interview. I took a look at some of the works and I am truly impressed. Those are some great pieces. How did you come up with them?" She begins with a neutral start. On the outside I am smiling at her, fake of course, while on the inside I barely control myself from just reaching out and squeezing her life out of her. Also there is an irritation to just get to the point and get this over with.

I don't let any of my thoughts leak out as I reply, "I am glad you enjoyed them. All those paintings out there are from personal experiences. I haven't drawn a single place I hadn't visited. Every single piece is a memory, you could say, forever etched for the world to see. And having read up on a Chinese painter, can't really recall his name now, I knew that a painter wasn't supposed to make the world see what he saw in his works but offer them a chance to travel throughout the place, as if they are already there. In my earlier works, this was noticeably absent, including today's centrepiece Fear To Live For, as I didn't really know about it before. In my third year of studies, I began working on them. It took me almost six months to get a simple scene of a small pond near a clearing right. But once it did, it wasn't hard to keep doing it. Now? I would be more comfortable with that variety than the one used in Fear To Live For. If it weren't for it being my first work, I would have probably replaced it. Then again, if you consider the personal significance of that painting, you would realize that I would never even try that." _Wow, that was quite a rant. At least my urge to kill her has faded now. It's not gonna happen but I hope she leaves now._

"That's quite an inspiration." Her voice and expression is fascinated but the loose way she holds her body makes it quite obvious that she is extremely bored and just wants to cut the chase. She probably is holding out because she wants to make me trip and get her an angle to start with so that she doesn't want to come across as trying to just attack me. "Speaking of which..." _Shoot! I think I already did_. "... when you meant your personal experiences inspire you, would you mind sharing the personal experience behind the creation of Fear To Live For? For the first creation, that's quite a unique scene to portray. Why did you choose that scene?" _Now her entire body, I notice, is in attention for what comes out next. She has her chance and I don't think she would stop until she has gotten the entire dirt on me. Dodge or be vague? Vague would be better._

"Ever since I was six, I have had that image burned in my mind. It probably isn't much, being a child and you know how active their imaginations are, but of all things that happened, that's one of the few things that stuck with me all those years. So when I wanted to make my first professional painting, there never was a competition. The title was a little hard to come up with though." _Shoot! I slipped up again. Better try to make up for it_. "I stared at the then unnamed finished picture for quite a long time for a logical interpretation and then finally decided that the silhouette looked like he was standing in the water for a reason. Now this could go either hopeful or bleak and I really didn't want bleak so I went with hopeful. And so came the title." _There. That should do it._

"And it has nothing to do with the fact that you were a, and I am quoting a source of mine, 'thrill-seeking daredevil freak'?" She counters in a bland tone, even though her body is anything but uninterested to the impact her words cause. My entire body freezes as I hear those words again. Even after so many years, the sting of those words hasn't left. With them, I am back to Witchbury Falls I left behind five years ago and I relieve every single change in behaviour I saw from others. The isolation, the taunting, the pranks, the bullying. It all starts to come to the front of my memories and for a few moments I fear a panic attack. Thankfully that doesn't happen but something else does. And I know it the moment it happens. The moment when pain appears clearly on my face for her to see. For her to see that she struck a raw nerve of mine and she doesn't hesitate in pushing in further. "So it is true then? You tried suicidal stunts for, what was it, some adrenaline rush?" She speaks in a clearly disgusted tone as she flips her notepad for notes of her discussions with her source. Her face is pleased though as she is finally getting her dirt. In order to stop myself from acting on the revived urge again, I try to think who might be her source. _It had to be someone from Witchbury Falls who still held a grudge. Well, that didn't really narrow the list down. But since older people wouldn't care about me anymore. They must have mentioned things but not the complete details. It must have been someone I had gone to school with. And there were only three people who knew the most of the details: Jacob, Simon and Cameron._

"Everyone has their own past, Ms Marion. You can't fault a person for a different past." I calmly reply to her, not falling to her bait of slipping up and confessing things she can use against me. My expression, no doubt, has closed off now so she can't try reading my face again. "A person should not be measured by the actions of his, or her, immature years. We all are still searching our ways through this strange world." And then I lean forward a little and ask, "I would like to know who your informer is, though." My words may have been a request but I make sure that my body language and tone make it clear to her that this interview is over unless she reveals it.

With a dramatic sigh, she reveals after a few moments of tense silence, "Jacob Andrews. My informer is Jacob Andrews. He contacted me after I went to Witchbury Falls to get more details about your past. He had quite a list of things to tell. Like how you had almost let a friend drown in your attempt to make him like yourself. How you ran away when things get tough. He was quite impressed that, and I quote here, 'a coward freak like him was becoming so famous'." _Well, I was more in favour of it being Simon who spilled the beans._

"Why didn't you talk to Simon Samson? Did he have nothing to tell you?" I ask her, only mildly interested.

"Mr Samson, his father, insisted that I didn't speak with him. Apparently, the trauma caused him to go into therapy and he still hasn't recovered from it yet." _Well that was interesting news._

"Tell me, Ms Marion. Did Jacob tell you about how they had nearly beaten me to death in school the day after my secret was exposed? Or did he tell you about all the death threats those guys made via any means possible? Or about how they had even spread rumours about my death, as if they were about to kill me?" The last one was a lie, as it was a prank from me, but she takes in a sharp breath. There goes Jacob's credibility. But I have given her lot of fodder to destroy me with. "Since you haven't known the complete story, I would like you to keep this past stuff to yourself. I am cured of that 'addiction' and would rather not have a reckless thing of my past blow up in my face in the future." My internal warning systems go in full panic mode as her expression of surprise changes somewhere during my words to amusement.

"Cured? Then please tell me, what was that expression you wore while Mr Sanchez talked at you? You looked absolutely expressionless for a moment there. I'm sure you haven't recovered yet. Even now you have occasional signs of being expressionless." She counters my claim and I open my mouth to explain that my face had been expressionless to hide what I really thought of her words at the moment but realizing the bad idea it was, I closed my mouth. Of course she interpreted it as an acceptance of guilt. "What do you think people would think of you once they find out this little secret of yours? Nothing good, I'm afraid." She gave a fake uninterested expression that couldn't even hide her twitching lips.

Before I give in into the urge to murder her and hide her body in the janitor's closet, I stand up and declare, "This interview is over." Without waiting for her reply, I immediately head off to door. She doesn't respond, probably having gotten all the ammunition she needed. Just as I close the door behind me, I hear the sound of the tape recorder being stopped. Uncaring of who is watching, I immediately head off into the men's washroom again. And finding myself alone in there once again, I punch the wall next to me in frustration. It hurts but it doesn't overcome the feeling of having lost everything I had. I have no doubt she would publish it, probably tomorrow or maybe someday in the future when I have even more to lose.

And then an idea comes to me _. If I steal that tape recorder from her, she won't have any proof of what we said._ So I immediately get out of the washroom and look for her. She is just getting out of the office and heading out for the door. I walk briskly, cutting through people as I head directly for her. I haven't tried pickpocketing but apparently there is a first time for everything. I just hope I don't get caught, though. I am about to put my hand in her ladies purse hanging on her left arm to try to get the tape when a waiter accidentally spills some champagne on her dress. She shouts in surprise and I immediately pull my hand back. "What is wrong with you? You ruined my clothes!" She shouts as the waiter keeps apologizing to her.

Furious, she walks into the ladies' washroom to clean herself up and I barely manage to turn around to stop her from noticing me. And nearly jump a feet when a familiar female voice asks, "What were you trying to do?"

My first response is to put my hand on my heart to try to calm down my heartbeat that sped up faster than a cheetah. The smile that occurs on my face is one I haven't had for quite some time now... five years to be exact. I turn and there she stands. She looks more beautiful than I remember and in her red dress, she looks absolutely breath-taking. And I am breathless as I whisper her name, half afraid that she will disappear like a mirage, "Kylie."

She doesn't disappear though. She gives me a smile, my smile, which warms the part of my heart that had gone cold when I left that place. I have so many questions for her but there is a huge issue to take care of first. "Her tape recorder. She is a journalist and she wants to release all that stuff of the past into the public. It would ruin me."

Her smiling face is now concerned and after a second, she replies, "I can get the tape but it won't be enough. Even if she publishes those things as rumours, people's opinion of you would be greatly damaged. We need to stop her from doing anything, including stopping anyone else from doing so. We need leverage."

After few seconds of thinking, she speaks again, "I have an idea! Just wait for me here." With that she walks into the washroom as well and I wait for her. Not because I will do anything for her, which I will, but because I don't think I am capable of any sort of action except breathing.

It takes ten long, torturous minutes for her and that reporter to walk out. And from the angry look she shoots at me, I guess Kylie really did make her point understood. Kylie walks to me with the tape and hands it over to me, "Keep it safe."

I put it in my shirt pocket under the tux I wear for tonight's formal occasion and then ask, "Do I want to know what happened in there?" She doesn't really respond but judging from her wicked smile, I don't think I do. And that's alright. As long as she's here, even if it is the last day of human existence on Earth, it's alright.

"How are you here?" I ask her as I carefully touch her left cheek so as to not break this mirage if she is indeed one. She doesn't reply but instead just smiles at someone behind me. I turn around expecting Dad to be the one but I am shocked, pleasantly so, to see Kevin instead. Even though we stayed in contact for the last five years, we never met in person again. And as I saw him again, I saw how much he had changed. Gone was the boy who preferred wrinkled clothes over well-groomed dressing, the man who stood before me wore the best clothes he could probably find to suit his looks. And judging from the number of female heads turning towards him, I could safely say that they suited him well indeed. He didn't speak as he walked towards me with a smile one can best describe as the one that appears when someone finds something they lost quite some time ago. And as we hug, I feel that smile on my face too. For both of us have found the person we lost five years ago.

"Hey, Kev." I croak out as my throat suddenly fills up. There are unshed tears in my eyes as well but I don't let them flow. Yet. He just pats me on my back with notable strength and I understand that he is in a similar position. "How did you know?" I ask a moment later as we disentangle. Although we still talked, it had nearly been a month since we last chatted. Kevin knew this was to happen but he didn't, back then even I didn't, know exactly when. To see him and Kylie here, it was as if I truly had everything I wanted in that moment.

"We were neighbours Andy. I knew the date from your father." Kev said in a still throaty voice and then cleared his throat. I, in the meanwhile, wondered why Dad didn't mention this to me. "And I ran into Kylie hours before leaving at a coffee shop, who once knowing my destination, delayed me by those aforementioned hours by demanding to come with me. Don't hit me again, Kylie. You have already bruised it." He added the last part while ducking behind me as Kylie tried to hit him in the arm again.

"Five years Andy? Five years I waited for a word from you and I get nothing, not even a phone call and this idiot knew everything? And what was that message you gave me before you left? Your sacrifice. Well you can shove it..." Kylie was almost shouting and so I had to put my hand on her mouth to stop her from cursing out loud in public. Regaining her composure, she added in a normal tone, "Well you know where. Do you know how hard it was to pack in two hours so much stuff? I was terrified of not fitting in here because this idiot kept whining. And don't you deny it or I swear I will break your arm right here in public." She threatened Kevin as he opened his mouth to speak and he closed his mouth in terror and hid behind me. Me? I was laughing. "What are you laughing at, Andrew Jonah Peters? You have a lot of making up to do. I-" She finally stopped talking when I abruptly kissed her even with my body shaking with laughter. By the time I am done with her, thanks to Kevin's loud coughing, she is breathless.

"I fully intend to make up for it." I whisper in her ear and chuckle when I get a 'You'd better.' Then leaning away, I finally speak to both of them what has been on my mind ever since I saw them, "I missed you guys. I'm so happy you are here." And it was true. In that moment, I realized that my bad moment was finally over. With Kylie and Kevin at my side, I was perfect once again.

"Tell me Andy, have you been happy here? Do these new friends know the truth?" She asks with genuine concern and I momentarily curse myself for letting go of her.

"Yes, they know. It had been eight months since coming here when I told them at Olympus Park. That entire day I was bombarded with questions about my past and stuff. Melissa was way too excited to hear all about it. I had to almost bind her to stop her long enough to convince her not to even think of trying any of this. Tyler, Jacob Tyler, who was often annoyed by my fearful reaction to him, relaxed once I explained him, privately, about the other Jacob. John and Sam didn't seem that happy to know my secret and for a few moments I was afraid of living through those bullying weeks of school again but Alex, Peter and Aiden didn't mind it that much and convinced others to just accept it too. I wish that Si, Cam and Jacob had accepted things as easily. They are still a bit uncomfortable but then again I have dropped a heavy bomb on them. Simon was surprisingly calm about it all. I do know I can count on them, though. And I know hearing so many names confused you. You will be seeing them soon."

"I better." She smiles at me and I can't help but kiss her again. _God, I missed her so much. Alright, focus Andy, let the two worlds of mine meet._

"I have some people I want you to meet." I tell them and drag them over where my school group stands. As soon as Melissa spies Kevin coming, her face lights up. Thankfully I manage to mouth 'player' to her before we reach them so that she knows what she would be dealing with. By the time I join them with Kevin and Kylie in tow, everyone is looking at the two newcomers with curiosity. "Guys, these are the two closest persons to me, aside from my dad, from Witchbury Falls. This is Kylie Parker and he is Kevin Simons. Kylie, Kev. These are my friends from when I came to this city. That beautiful lady in her natural blonde hair and slightly tan complexion is Melissa James. She is similar to Kylie, Kev, so don't get on her bad side. John, stop trying to non-verbally flirt with Kylie." I add as John behaves in a fake gentleman manner by kissing her hand. Another player like Kevin. "So this brown haired idiot of dark skin, that's by a lot of time in sun without sunscreen mind you, is John Michaels." Just then Peter appears with a group of random flowers in his hand and offers them to Kylie. "Peter Smith, do not steal flowers from the vases of the exhibition." His only response is a cheeky smile that is his way of telling me that he will do it again.

Kylie though is delighted. "Thank you. Unlike you, he never gave me flowers all those years." Of course, I'm the he. I stare at him with narrowed eyes.

"I will take care of you tomorrow with a one-on-one basketball match." Although he is taller than me and is a much better player, I will defeat him tomorrow. Preferably in front of Kylie so that she can see that this black haired Hispanic Romeo is not that great as he appears right now in the tux. _I hope this doesn't backfire though_. Just then Alex and Tyler come up with two beautiful ladies on their arms. Upon seeing Kylie though, they both seem suddenly bored of their arm candies. "These two unrepentant womanizers are Alex Rhodes and Jacob Tyler. The red haired and olive skinned is Alex and the brown haired with red streaks in them and pale skinned is Jacob Tyler. Hello ladies." I add when I see the girls look a little put out by not being referred to. Though the lusting smiles they give me once I acknowledge them makes me wonder if they were better left unacknowledged. Thankfully Kylie's tightening grip on my hand makes our relationship status clear to everyone. Maybe now I can get out of that basketball dare tomorrow.

I turn to introduce them to the last member of my group, who seems to be missing at the moment. "Um, guys, where's Aiden?" I ask when he doesn't appear in sight.

Mel answers. "Oh, he had to leave early. Claire Silvi's – that's his ex - wedding is tomorrow to that Simon Layweigh fellow. Gotta say, he lacks some social skills but he definitely loves her. And he isn't bad to look at either. After his mutual break-up with Claire, Aiden didn't want to miss his new best friend Simon's bachelor party. After her father died, he has decided to hand her over to Simon, after all." Besides me, Kylie makes an 'aww', the universal declaration for anything girls think is sweet or cute or both. Melissa turns to her and says, "Since Andy already gave our physical descriptions, let me tell you Aiden's. He's as tall as Andy but has his hair a darker shade of brown, like chocolate, and his skin is well-tanned. His eyes are ocean like blue and..." Before she continues ranting, I interrupt and add an important point.

"And he's Mel's boyfriend. So as you expect, she can go on and on about him, though not everything would be nice." I interrupt and the other guys disguise their chuckles as coughing while she glares at me. And I once again sympathize with those who had suffered Kylie's or Mel's glare.

As I open my mouth to speak again, a voice calls me from behind, "Mr Peters, do you have a moment?" He is an older man in his late thirties and seems to be some sort of art related important person. I take a look at both Kylie and Kevin to make sure they are comfortable only to find that they are already mingling in with the rest of the group. At seeing the best parts of my two worlds merge so well, I feel a huge part of me relax and my voice is most definitely relieved as I reply, "Yes, how may I help you?" If I felt before that today was a great day, then now I feel it is the best of my life so far.

And I look forward to many more such days.
EPILOGUE

17 Years Later

"Come on, Andrea, James. We are here, now." I call and they both jump out of the car. The excitement of the eight year old James is overshadowed by his curiosity, though. He looks around at the waterfall, not recognising the place at all. Finally he turns to me.

"Where are we dad?" His voice is a little subdued, clearly afraid of having anyone else hear him. James is brave in familiar situations but in unfamiliar conditions, he is a completely obedient kid, thanks to his fear of the unknown. I should help him get over it but I cannot really ignore its advantages. He is the older and wilder of the two after all.

"Home, James. This waterfall is the Witchbury Falls, after which the town is named. Your father and I both grew up and met each other in this town before leaving. And now, after so many years, we have returned." Kylie Peters, my beautiful wife answers him while she makes sure our three year old Andrea doesn't run away to explore.

In terms of appearances, James has my black hair and blue eyes. But that's all that's mine in him in appearance. His face is just like his mothers' and it is often clear when he makes faces just like her. But Andrea takes after me. Not only in appearance, but also in behaviour. If it weren't for her usually hidden feisty nature, I wouldn't believe she took a lot from her mother. Though, her hair is now showing curls that Kylie's hair have had so it might not be so hard to believe.

I smile as I put James on my shoulders and point things out to him with his small hands. "You see that water falling all the way down from up there. It is very tall, about 100 feet high. The water falls from that height onto the rocks down below. It is very unsafe to go there. So don't go there, alright? And keep Andrea away too."

Also sharing my love for swimming, James quickly nods and asks, "Can we go for a swim now? Please?" His pouty face is just so irresistible that I can't help but agree. Though the responsible father part of me does make me add that we won't go just yet. Just until we are set up. Though my words fall on deaf ears as he screams a whoop in his joy.

"Andy. Let him down and help me a little with taking this blanket and basket out. Even after twelve years of marriage you haven't learned how to pack things in the car." Kylie calls and both Andrea and James laugh. "Even the kids know how to pack things right after hearing this so much."

Letting James down, who runs down to the water no doubt, before wrapping her in my arms, I reply, "I do know how to pack stuff in the car. It's just that you look so cute when so annoyed." And then I flick the very nose that she wrinkles at me as she gives me her annoyed expression.

Letting Andrea go, she turns to me and asks, "You okay?" I smile at her and nod. It has been our ritual ever since we started dating again. Every day Kylie would ask me whether I was okay and help me deal with the bad days. In the early days, I snapped even at her for the smallest things. I saw Kylie wanted to respond similarly and often provoked her but she kept surprising me by keeping her calm. Though she did often explode on me for that on my good days, making me grovel at her for hours in apology. The day Zach deemed me as cured was the day I proposed. It was a simple and intimate proposal as I baked her a cake with the ring peeking through the heart-shaped icing. The cake tasted terrible and Kylie banned me from ever baking again but at least she accepted. Then she threw out the cake and made me clean the dishes. She's strange. We're strange. But it is alright. It's perfect for us.

Two months later, mom and Zach were wed. As I suspected, they had been dating secretly behind my back for years. I even had a half-brother now, Adam. I liked to believe they adopted him new-born. Much better for my gag reflexes. I and Kylie were married a year after I proposed.

I still had bad days though, once in a few months. My worst was when James was born. I was a mess that entire week. I had almost jumped from my seventh floor apartment balcony but Kevin got to me in time. Zach had told me they would go away someday but no one could ever be sure of the when. Thankfully my kids didn't know... yet. Kylie insisted we tell them so that they were prepared while I was scared it might change their opinion of me. To them I was perfect. To find that I wasn't even normal was scary, to say the least.

We lean in for a kiss when James' voice interrupts us. "Is Uncle Kevin coming too?" We both turn to look at him and despite the smile tugging at my mouth, I frown at his half-dressed state. He has already thrown his shirt on the ground to jump into the water and is already tugging at his pants.

"No dear, he isn't. And keep your shirt in a clean place, James. You still have to wait until we lay the blanket and stuff for you to keep your clothes on. And Andrea, don't play in the dirt. Andy, help me a little. They're your kids too." Kylie issues commands to everyone in exasperation and all of us follow her directives. She is a loving mother but when she gets strict, she scares even me.

"You heard her. Now do it." I speak to them in a 'stern dad' voice though like always, it goes uncared for. I am the one spoiling them among the two of us after all. Then with a quick kiss, I unload the stuff and arrange things for a picnic. Dad should be coming anytime now. He wanted his grandkids to see the waterfall of his town first. Personally I think he just wanted them to see the large river that just invited lookers to take a swim.

He met another lady, Shayna Matthews, a middle-aged widower when she moved in the town about ten years ago. She was the only one who didn't judge me or my family on my past actions and it was a major reason, aside from clear attraction, that Dad took the risk. Three years later, they were married. Thankfully no step-brothers from there. Yet.

"I wish Dad would hurry. Only he and Kevin know how to keep them entertained while being truly cautious so we can take a walk. I want to see how much this place has changed." I whisper in Kylie's ear and she smiles in return. She knew that later in my studio at home in Seattle I would re-visit this place on the paper and was just looking for the perfect place to re-create.

That exhibition was only the start of my journey to success as a painter. The sale of the paintings fetched high prices, sometimes even in seven digits. To me, painting is still mostly a hobby I enjoy. I decorated Andrea's and James' room by myself too to always make them know that I am always close to them. Kevin helped me realize that I didn't need to sacrifice my third love for the first two, first being Kylie and second being my kids.

He started his own chain of gyms that he raised to a respectable national level. He was always on the television advertising health stuff and in constant demand by the top celebrities. Well, his days as a bachelor weren't over yet. Being the godfather of the kids, he was worse than me in spoiling them rotten. At least I didn't let my seven year old son try to drive one of my sports cars. He had whined, literally, when he got a call just minutes before departure that made him go to office immediately on an urgent issue.

Dad and Shayna arrive just as I finish setting things up. Shayna and Kylie hug each other before coming to me. "Hello Andy. How are you?" In appearance, she is a blonde with honey coloured eyes and has a soft heart who just went through a lot of undeserved pain. To be honest, I like Shayna. She isn't mom but she is definitely close to that level for me. Mom, Zach, dad and Shayna often get together for family dinners and it pleases me, and I think the rest of us as well, that they all get together perfectly. As we hug, there is a huge splash and we quickly turn to see James emerge from the water.

"I did what you asked Mom! The clothes are safe and they're clean." No mentioning me. Great. I think I will have to be stricter. Someday. I turn to look at the blanket and a laugh escapes my mouth at the sight. Though I quickly cover it up, and so does Dad, at Kylie's glare. As I said, she is scary when angry. Though that still doesn't reduce the hilariousness of the sight.

Apparently James didn't listen properly and instead of blanket, he heard basket and so stuffed his clothes in it along with the food. "James!" Kylie yells and he quickly comes out of the water, instantly recognising her tone as 'I'm in trouble'. Then he hides behind my legs in his dripping swimsuit. No that it helps. "Don't think hiding behind Daddy helps. Andy step aside. James, you-"

Before Kylie can punish him, Andrea screams and we all turn to look at her in fear. "That man walked into the waterfall! Help!" Before I even know, I am running. In my mind, I am wishing that there isn't another me in there. That there hasn't been another Ed to teach him this stuff. Behind me, I can hear Kylie pull the kids away from the view. Though it is too late. The 'man' is actually a teenager and startled by a child's scream, slips on the rocks and falls into the water. Déjà vu.

Shrugging off my shoes, I jump otherwise fully clothed into the water that is as cold as it was all those years ago. Being a good swimmer this time, I easily catch the unconscious kid and drag him to the shore. Feeling a pulse, I begin CPR on him once we are out of the water.

It takes some time before he begins to cough out the water. "Let it all out kid." I speak as I slowly turn his head to the side, being cautious of any internal injuries. "Are you hurt?" I speak loudly in his ears. He winces before shaking his head in a no. Relief takes over and I fall back onto the grass and thank the gods that he is alright.

"Please don't tell." He begs and I stop thanking the gods to take a look at him. He is a normal fit teenager kid, lean, thin and tall. His eyes are brown and his hair is black. _He looks like Jacob Andrews!_ I realize and blurt it out before even considering my words. "You Jacob Andrews' kid?"

The kid winces at being caught and is ready with an excuse before really looking at me and recognising me. "Andrew Peters? Oh my god! What a coincidence! I was just about to try what you showed in that painting 'Fear To Live For', and what dad believes you did try. I had heard your tale a thousand times now. Did you really-"

I put my mouth on his hand before he can loudly tell my kids what I did. Then, once he quietens, I speak, "Yes, I am that Andrew Peters. And yes I did try that. Tell me, why did you try to do this idiotic task? You have heard how my tale ended didn't you? With me running away from this town. Do you want to leave too? I had my father to help me but I don't think Jacob would help you that much, being one of my friend-turned-bully after all." At this the boy pales in fear. _Stupid kid. Thinking he could try something so dangerous and walk away unscathed_. I stand up and begin to walk away when he answers my question.

"I wanted to choose right between-" I interrupt him before he can speak another word as I turn around. _This is worse than I thought. He could already be addicted._

"Is this your first time? The first time trying a stunt, I mean." _Please be a first timer. Please be a first timer unlike me._ Thankfully, he nods. "Then listen to every word I speak now." I continue adopting my 'stern dad' voice. At least it works on him as he nods furiously at me.

"I learned of this method of choosing when I was six years old and my parents were getting divorced. I needed to choose when just like you, I saw a man, Ed, walk into the waterfall. After I screamed, he slipped and while trying to help him, I slipped as well. Owing his life to me, he told me that he used this method to choose what he really wanted after he had saved me. He told me that the fear gave him a regret of something he didn't do. Something to live for. Unknown to him, I had already experienced that when I had slipped and fear gave me my answer. He prayed for me to not use it but it was too late. By the time I was ten, I was an addict. I couldn't feel emotions if I didn't try one quickly within two weeks. I even risked the life of my ex-friend Simon Samson when I broke one of Ed's rules and tried to teach him about this. I was so lost."

"I am a human. You are a human. Human beings make mistakes. You will be expected to always be perfect. That doesn't mean you really have to be even if you can't. We are allowed to make mistakes. To choose the wrong thing. When things become unclear, follow your heart, take a risk and hope for the best."

"The itch to do things like that never fades though. It will always be there, trying to tempt you. But you must resist or else there is no limit to how much you could lose. Don't take the bait of the illusion of the perfect choice it offers. I did and you know what that led me to. If it weren't for certain people, I wouldn't have made through it to become what I am now. I can't promise the same for you if you fail to resist it."

"My journey to get rid of this addiction is a long and hard one because no one helped me in time to reduce its effects. Why? Because I didn't let them. I later paid the price when I was so depressed that I was practically suicidal. You can choose fear to live for if you want but you must realize life is worth living for too. Every man is the sum of all his achievements and mistakes. Mistakes don't damage us. They define us. Don't shy away from accepting your mistakes but don't go now making conscious mistakes. Because that's just idiotic." I chuckle a little to try to break the mood but I don't even get a proper smile from him. So I figure my message is now becoming a full-time speech and I should end it now.

"So go home now and never do this again. Find some other stuff. Sports or theatre if you like. Be a reverend if that gets your adrenalin pumping but never try this again. Do you understand?" I ask him and he slowly nods. "Good, now go. And never mention this to anyone else."

I walk away from him now, back to my family, when I hear a faint 'Thank you.' And then he's gone. Back to his normal life. And I walk back to mine.

"Andy!" Kylie runs to me as soon as she sees me. "You okay?" My reply is a genuine smile before she hugs me again and I wrap my arms around her. The kids are busy building mud castles with Dad and Shayna, who, although not looking, are clearly relieved by my smile.

Then she kisses me. And I kiss her back with all the love I have for her in it.

And my life is perfect once again. And normal.

### ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

First of all, I would like to thank my parents and my brother for all their support. Without you all, though you didn't even know I was writing (I think), this wouldn't have been possible.

I would also like to thank friends who served as distractions in time when writing was becoming a burden. A special mention to the friend whose 'just another photo' served as a huge boost for my writing: Nikhil, you really helped me get the Witchbury Falls right. I have used that photo as the cover, as I promised.

Thanking friends who I met in person isn't enough. There are wonderful people I met online and I would like to thank them all. Katy, Jess, Melissa, Dani, Lexie, Ang, Shelene, Ashish, Debbie and many more (I am not naming everyone not because I don't remember. I don't want to write a four page long acknowledgement that one would just skip. \- Alright. I really don't remember everyone's name.) – All of you have helped me far more than you realize in making this possible.

I would like to thank www.wattpad.com for providing me a platform to share my story and gather opinions. A special shout-out to @Shanice_maria for making the amazing cover present in the free edition of the book.

Also, I would like to thank Perusing The Shelves staff to allow me to host the book on their website. I like the place and return to that amusing place daily, even if as a silent observer.

And finally, thank you for reading this book.

### Trivia

Some references to others works by the author. Most of these are already on Wattpad under his username Frozenfire

Elisan Robert Smith is one of the main characters of the Dark Fates Saga.

Anacresia, another small town I invented, is the town setting of the paranormal romance of teenager human Nick and almost a century old ghost Daisy in another book of mine titled 'Fading Out'.

Simon Layweigh is the main character of the book 'Guiltless' and his and Claire story shall unfold in detail there.

Alexander DeVoir is the main character of the story 'Curtain Call'.

Adam McLogh is the brother of the main character Callie McLogh of the short story 'Beautyland'.

### ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Ayush Srivastava is an avid reader and a writer-in-training. All his stories are based on the unique stories the world around us tells if only we care to listen. With family and friends (from all over the globe), he has many people to turn for help and be inspired from.

With every story close to heart, he enjoys letting the characters 'tell' him all about their pasts, their motivations and their actions, allowing them to stay true to themselves and training him about the different characteristics of human behaviour.

As time passes, he learns more and hopes to entertain everyone a lot more.

Connect online with the author

Enjoyed the book? Got an opinion? Saw some errors? Just need some to rant with? Don't hesitate. Contact me via the following routes.

**Email:** aysrivastava94@gmail.com

**Blog** : narratingthedream.wordpress.com

**Wattpad** : Frozenfire

**Perusing The Shelves Forum** : Perusing The Shelves - Free Community for Readers
