 
Almost Everything

Lauren Laforet

Published by Lauren Laforet at Smashwords

Copyright 2018 Lauren Laforet

Smashwords Edition, License Notes

Smashwords Edition, License Notes

This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you're reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

This is a work of fiction. All of the characters, organizations, and events described in the novel are either products of the author's imagination or are used fictitiously.

"I didn't fall in love, I walked smack into it and fell flat on my ass"

\- Mia Asher, Arsen

This one goes out to the man who made this book real for me. Michael Grubbs,

I owe you almost everything.

"Almost Everything"

Words & Music by William Michael Grubbs

Copyright © 2009 Tunes Of Imagem Music (SESAC) / Michael Grubbs (SESAC)

Administered worldwide by Imagem Music LLC.

International Copyright Secured. All Rights Reserved. Used by Permission.

"Dance So Good"

Words & Music by William Michael Grubbs

Copyright © 2009 Tunes Of Imagem Music (SESAC) / Michael Grubbs (SESAC)

Administered worldwide by Imagem Music LLC.

International Copyright Secured. All Rights Reserved. Used by Permission.

"Light Outside"

Words & Music by William Michael Grubbs

Copyright © 2009 Tunes Of Imagem Music (SESAC) / Michael Grubbs (SESAC)

Administered worldwide by Imagem Music LLC.

International Copyright Secured. All Rights Reserved. Used by Permission.

Part one- Denial

Part Two –Anger

Part Three –Bargaining

Part Four-Depression

Part Five- Acceptance
Part One:

Denial

So just lay down with me before you go

\- Michael Grubbs, "Almost Everything"

I sat at the end of the small dock that convened on the far corner of the house. It was my solace, laying half in the water and half on the ground. It was the only place I could think without the world jumping into my every thought. It was my favourite spot when we bought the house and now it had become my everything, it was the place that gave me strength, when I was here I knew I would survive. I placed my hands on the wood behind me, feeling the motion of the water. I pushed back on them stretching my body hoping for a sense of peace, or release, mostly I just wanted to feel something. The sun was incredibly warm today and I shut my eyes hoping to clear my mind completely, letting my thoughts fall away into the water. I didn't want this day to ever come, yet by some cruel unrelenting ideal, here we were. This had officially become the longest day of my life. Who the hell am I to be able to go through this? I'm only 27. No one prepares you for this kind of torture. This awful reality is not what I signed up for at all. Thinking about how I got here, why I was still stuck here and how the hell I'm supposed to move past this was as far from what I wanted to think about as possible. All I wanted, no all I needed was a few minutes of calm before the storm started. No one can prepare you for this day, it's not fair, it doesn't feel real and for damn certain, I am not ready for it.

It was two years ago that I met the best thing that had happened to me, the absolute love of my life. He was my world, the air I breathed, and he settled me. My life was always busy, rushing from here to there, things to do, deadlines to meet. Once we met everything slowed down and spending time, being flexible brought me back to a girl I once was. There were hardly any words for me to describe the way we were together, it's just easy; it's like standing up, looking around, everything that you take for granted, that is our relationship. I never took it for granted; what we had was special. A once and a lifetime love; the kind that seems impossible once, and would seem inconceivable twice. I would never regret one single moment or touch that happened between us.

There are many different kinds of love; A kind of love that is the all consuming, and has the ability to move you to your very core. It consumes both your conscious and unconscious to the point where you can't breathe, you can't eat, you can't sleep without thinking of the other person. This is the kind of love that alters and defines your life.

There is a love that is blind and that doesn't see wrong doings. No matter what the other person does, there are no faults as in their eyes they are perfect. The other person is not capable of cheating, or making mistakes, or loving anything but themselves and somehow that is impossible to see. In almost every case someone gets hurt. Eventually someone cheats, someone makes a mistake or someone is too infatuated with themselves instead of the truth. Then you're stuck there to pick up the pieces and decided if this love is true, steadfast, undeniable love or is it the cursed, damaged, dangerous love that goes unseen.

There is a love that fades. That love begins hotter and more dangerous than any flame. There is an undeniable connection from the minute it starts. As time passes it becomes poisonous, addictive, and more obsessive than any drug. You begin to lose yourself in the physical until that foreseeable moment where the emotional kicks in and you are left to decide which is the most important, physical or emotional attraction. Let me tell you how this one ends....one of two ways: you decided to keep going until its predictable demise or somehow, by some sort of miracle you work on more than the sex and it becomes the greatest love. I'll save you the trouble and tell you that 87% of time, it's the former rather than the latter, but if you don't want to take my word for it let me know.

There is a kind of love that is simply lost. This is a love where life gets in the way. It's a tug of war type of love, at moments you would give yourself inside your self to fight for it and at other times you get consumed by the world around you. It's one of the most heartbreaking loves as there is no rhyme or reason as to why it ends, it just does. One day you wake up with the overwhelming feeling of emptiness wondering if what you have is really worth it or was that the stepping stone to find what you are really looking for. If you're lucky you aren't blindsided by it but for some, the unlucky they have no idea its coming. Think of it as being side swiped by a truck, you can't see what is going to happen until it you've been run over. One day you wake up and everything's fine and the next day you wake up to a text that says we need to talk. It flips your world over and nothing is the same. That kind of love leaves the unexpecting party high and dry and the one who breaks up freed and liberated. I don't care that we live in the 2000's; breaking up over a text is cowardly, disgusting and spineless.

There is a love that can be found, even if just for the night; the famous one night stand. There's the love that helps you get over something in your life. Stress, a breakup, work problems, family problems, life in general and for that night everything turns in your favour. It can change your whole outlook on what is real if only for a few minutes.

Then there is the cruelest kind of love, the one that devours its victims, unrequited love. Most love stories are about that someone who finds their other half, but what about the rest of us. What about our stories. Those who fall in love alone, one-sided. That kind of love is common and happens almost every day. Falling in love with a celebrity, a boss, someone you know you can't have but it doesn't matter. It's the best and worst kind of love. You put the other person on a pedestal, they could never do anything wrong but they could never love you back.

My kind of love, it's the first kind, well it was. It feels like yesterday, the day we met, I remember it better than anything in my past. It was an average day and at the end of it like always I went to the gym. I was average in all aspects of the word, except in his eyes. I wasn't ever the tallest, or the prettiest, or the skinniest. Sure I worked out hard, I enjoyed doing my hair and getting all "pretty" but I still never felt like anything special. The best decision I ever made was getting a membership to the gym. In the beginning I would go to make myself feel better, but one Wednesday everything changed. It was the day I spotted Jackson, he was my match in every way, shape and form. He was taller than I was which, as most women know, is a bonus when finding a man. He was also a fan of going to the gym, and that's why we connected in the first place. For weeks I admired him there, his body was incredible. Every muscle was perfectly sculpted and as I was able to watch him chisel another set of abs, making his six pack into eight, the glorious v sat exactly where it should and it was that day I decided to up my game. I worked my smile and extremely toned legs; I let my hair down and made sure that his eyes followed me across the gym that day. It worked and after a quick conversation and an exchanged of our numbers it was all over. After that, we were inseparable. We did everything together and we were known by our friends and family, as brunette Ken and Barbie. Jackson loves me to the moon and back, making sure that every day he told he and I couldn't ever have been any happier. So why am I here, all alone on the dock, wishing to feel anything, that's a good question. I wish I had the answer, but maybe there isn't one. Sitting here living in my memories, that's the best I can do right now.

We moved in together about a year ago and it was the best move we made before our impromptu wedding. We found a house after painstakingly searching for weeks upon weeks on a quest that seemed endless. Then we finally found exactly what we wanted. It had only taken a month for everything to be finalized and for us to finally move in. It was the best time in my life; we moved in and gotten used to bringing all of our "things" together. I had always heard people talking about how they didn't realize how much 'stuff' they had until they moved in with someone. It was fun, Jackson and I kept what we wanted, got rid of things we didn't need, and bought different things for us together. On top of moving we had to plan our wedding, well Jackson planned and I was there for support. Usually it's the other way around, I know, but that was us. There were just something that things that worked for us and this was one of them. I wasn't a fan of creating a spectacle of myself, well with the exception of parading around the gym that day until he finally got the courage to go talk to me. I always think of that as my best moment.

The wedding was perfect and the realization of being his wife made my night even better. We told our friends that it was a moving in party and we decked our new house out. It was so beautiful, especially in the pictures. The small lights hung everywhere in the back yard, and candles had been strategically placed so there was a soft white light surrounding the whole yard. As the guest piled in, there was a sign that read, Please come and celebrate with Anna and Jackson, Pick a Seat not a Side. It was the best surprise we ever pulled off and the night was magical. Thanks to the help of Lindsay Spencer, the maid of honour, and Ian Crawford, the best man; apparently they both needed to be in on the wedding plans. The wedding was as personal as I wanted it to be. It was my dream was to be surrounded by my closest family and friends and to have an incredible wonderful night. It was truly everything I ever wanted. After finally saying our vows, food was catered in as people mingled and waiters filed through with drinks and food all night. I may have been forward and a bit pushy to get Jackson but I was old fashioned in my beliefs. We moved all of our things in together but I hadn't moved in officially until that night. I was staying with Lindsay, who was in on our surprise, apparently Maid of Honor's had to be in on it, and it was only a few days but I couldn't wait to stay with Jackson, in our own house. The night was perfect and seemed to fly by. I didn't want to move in before we got married, so we compromised. I moved all my stuff into our house, while we were planning the wedding and that too was the first night we had made love. Jackson had never been anything but patient with me and truthfully that night was worth it.

Eventually we settled into our own routine. We both had great jobs, and I was working my way up through the business world, soon to be taking the role of vice president of one of the biggest corporations in Chicago and Jackson was becoming a very successful finical planner. Our lives were pretty damn perfect and as the years went by I knew it was only going to be better. Jackson loved every single inch of me and I loved every second of being with him.

The next months flew by and we became happier if that was even possible, the true version of the honeymoon stage until that one morning that my world was flipped upside-down. I still haven't been able to breathe, recover or figure out what the hell I was supposed to be doing. As I sat there reveling in the sweet memories, I heard someone was calling my name and I decided to ignore it. I closed my eyes and focused really hard until I could feel him. I could feel his arms around me, smell his intoxicating scent, and most importantly I could see him. This wasn't fair, nothing made sense about this. It didn't matter thought I was having a hell of a time having to make sense of my world anymore.

"He's gone," I muttered under my breath.

"I'm right here, Anna, it's okay. I'll always be with you."

I opened my eyes and looked around but there was no one near me, I closed my eyes again hesitantly as I had a slight fear from what just happened.

"Jackson?" Okay, this can't be real, on top of everything I'm going through; I'm going down right insane, awesome.

"Yes" Again, I was beyond startled and didn't quite know what to do with myself.

"Why can I hear you?"

"Because you want to. I'll always answer as long as you need me to."

I instantly felt the tears running down my face, this couldn't be real. This doesn't make sense.

"This makes no sense," I repeated still having no idea what the hell was happening. He was right in front of me. He stared at me with the look he always gave me, filled with admiration and love.

"I know."

"Can I ask you something?" I wanted to take full advantage of whatever this was because this might be the only thing to keep me going.

"Anything"

"Did it hurt?"

"When I died, no. I didn't see it coming..."

"Jackson, I miss you. I don't know how to do this without you. I can't live without you." Tears were streaming down my face and I couldn't contain the sobs any longer, this wasn't fair, I wanted the real him.

"Anna listen. I miss you more than I can tell you. I'll always be here as long as you need me. I know you can live without me, I hate leaving you alone, but I need you to get through today and when you need to, close your eyes and remember that I love you and I'll always be with you."

"Jackson, I love you too."

I opened my eyes figuring that I'd fallen asleep out here in the sanctuary of my dock. It was the very best part of the house we had bought and made into our home. It was always there for me, when we fought, when I didn't know what to do, when I needed space this is where I came and sat to think or to turn my mind off. This time was no exception.

It was two days ago that I had come home from working all day and begun to make dinner for Jackson. I put whatever the hell it was into the oven, set the timer to turn off when it was done and headed to the gym. This was our routine and meeting up with Jackson was the best part of my day. I entered the gym, grabbing my headphones and headed towards my cardio round. My phone went off, looking quick it was a message from Jackson. He was running late and he'd be home for dinner but was skipping the gym. I didn't think anything of it, sometimes clients took longer than expected; I knew that just as well as he did. After finishing my work out and headed home. I seriously can't believe I remember this much and it certainly wasn't the case when others asked about it. I just simply said I remembered nothing. I wanted these memories safe with me and me alone. All the quick emails and texts exchanged that day were mine and I wanted it to stay that way. Life sucks, it sure as hell isn't fair and sometimes people and things let you down. When that happens, I want my memories to myself.

I remember getting home and Jackson still wasn't there. I went to sit out on the dock for a bit, knowing he would yell when he got in. It was a nice day out, even as the sun crept below the horizon it was still warm enough to stay out there just a bit longer. I seemed to be out there for quite awhile, and I was getting hungry, so I headed in. Looking at the clock, it was a lot later that I thought and, so I checked my phone figuring he would've messaged me by now, but there was nothing. He hadn't called or texted there was only one message on my phone, from my mother-in-law. It was almost impossible to understand what she was saying. she was hysterically screaming saying that Jackson had gotten into a car accident and died instantly, there was something about the hospital they had taken to and before I knew what the hell was happening, and I dropped the phone and headed out. I sat outside the room he was in and starred through the glass. Shock overcame me, I knew there were people to call, things to get in order, plans to be made, but I didn't even know where to begin. We hadn't talked about this yet because we hadn't even been married a year. This wasn't supposed to happen to us, not now, we had only just begun our lives together, it was too soon. It was at that moment my body and turned on auto pilot and I didn't remember anything random moments since we had gotten back from saying goodbye. The next few days were going to be impossible and I planned on staying numb until I could have time to really grieve. This whole situation flat out sucked and I didn't want to go through it, it wasn't fair, and I wasn't old enough. When I heard his voice, I didn't know how to explain it, but I couldn't wait for everyone to leave so I could come back to this spot and hear his voice again.

"Coming," I yelled, I couldn't really tell who was calling me but I'm sure it was Lindsay.

I can do this, I just have to get through the next few hours and that's it. That had to be my mantra for the next few days. I had great friends and amazing family and I knew they needed me during this time and I sure as hell needed them but if there was even a slight chance to hear Jacksons voice again, I couldn't give that up. Asleep, awake, a miracle, I don't care, if there was a slight chance I would do anything.

Turning around Lindsay was walking towards me. Lindsay was always there for me especially now, and Jackson's best friend Ian was also great. He was following her "Ready to face the rest of this shitty day?"

I hugged them both as they each grabbed one of my hands walking back up to this house. This was going to be a long day until I could see Jackson again. How the hell was I supposed to stay here without him?

Tell me why we're talking when we dance so good

-Michael Grubbs, "Dance So Good"

I can't help but thinking that it was only a few months ago that I sat in this kitchen, and I watched Jackson walk over to me from the front door, he was so beautiful it was hard to stop myself from starring. I mindlessly bent across the counter and entering my own world. Life was perfect, and it seemed to get better every single day. We were great together and it didn't take anytime to get into a groove of living together. Seamless, was one word that could be used to describe the way we moved around our house. I was deliriously happy that I was able to call this our home. I was just finishing up dinner as I felt Jack's hands wrap around my waist. Music that was once in the background began to get louder as I was turned around into his arms. We moved back and forth around the kitchen smiling and laughing as Jackson would dip and spin me around. Life was perfect at that very moment. After listening and dancing to a few more songs, we finally began the process of making dinner. It's made a lot longer when there's more kissing than cooking. Grabbing food, we sat down at the table talking about our day; Friday was always a good day.

"So, what do you want to do this weekend?" Jackson asked clearing my plate and his as he poured a glass of wine and headed us into the living room, curling around me on the couch.

"Um this would be great."

Jackson smiled, and I melted straight into his arms. This man held my heart and always would.

"Well I'm okay with that. Is there anything you wanted to do?" He just smiled at me and I knew that he would be just as happy curled up on the couch with me for two days as he would be going anywhere else.

"Actually, I was hoping to visit some friends, we can have them visit us, so we don't have to go anywhere." It had been awhile since the wedding and I was starting to miss Lindsay, and I knew he felt the same about Ian. It was about time we saw people, we had been so busy with everything else.

"Sure, that sounds good, invite whoever you want, we can pick up whatever we need tomorrow morning and spend the whole weekend together and at home." His glass clinked against mine before we both finished and I stood to get more.

Just as I started walking to the kitchen, he had grabbed the glasses out of my hand, put them down and picked me up,

"Okay, we can take care of the mess tomorrow. Tonight, I'm going to pick your ass up and bring you to bed. I've got other plans for us there."

Before I could say okay, I was over his shoulder and dragged off to the bedroom.

Lindsay's voice snapped me out of my memories. This was easily the longest day ever, I sat down next to Lindsay and put my feet up on the couch closing my eyes and hoping for silence.

"How are you doing kid? You did great today." She was the best, and I wasn't sure how I would even function without her.

I smiled, half heartedly and put my head on her shoulder.

"I miss him so much." I thought about telling Lindsay about what happened on the dock, but I'm not even sure myself of what happened out there, how could I possibly explain it to someone else. All I knew was I was looking for clarity and I needed to get back out to that dock.

Everyone had gone, the last plate had been cleaned off the table and I had said my last goodbye. It was a long day and I ripped my shoes off before heading down to the only place that seemed like home. As I sat there, I hoped that the same thing happened, but I had absolutely no idea how the hell I was going to make that happen.

Closing my eyes again and sitting in complete silence was getting old. I felt the warm wind on my arms, it was as if it was passing slowly through me.

"Jackson?" I asked hoping that by some chance he would answer again, I knew it was crazy, but a girl will do what she needs to even if she doesn't know how to explain it.

"Anna" I was startled but this time, I was kind of ready for it. I knew not to open my eyes on the off chance that this would stop.

"How the hell is this happening? I don't know how but I don't want to fight it."

"I don't either." It was so overwhelming to hear his voice that at the first sound I completely broke down.

"How am I supposed to live without you? It's not fair." It sure as hell wasn't fair, and this was nothing like the real thing, but I would take this as a substitute anytime.

"I know it isn't and this is impossible as long as you want it to be. But I want you to be happy please always know that." Happy, how the hell was that going to happen, it sure didn't seem possible.

"I just want you to hug me really tight and tell me you love me. Tell me you're glad to be here with me. Tell me that everything will be alright and that I make you happy and glad to be alive, but you can't." I could barely breathe between the tears, this was the first time I could actually grieve and if I was going to let anyone see, it was going to be Jackson.

"Hell, I can't. I do love you, and I was never happier that when I was with you and I would give anything to hold you one more time and make you happy to be alive. I miss you and this certainly isn't helping but it's better than not having anything between us."

"Jackson, I ...."

"I know it's time to go to bed. I know it's been a long day and tomorrow is going to be long and so is the day after, so just know that I'm always here for you. I love you and if you need to, come and find me."

I sat there for a little while longer, but I had to open my eyes, this was bound to kill me or keep me in a continual state of being stuck on the dock. It would be okay as long as Jackson and I could talk, crazy I know, and I've already said it, but what can I do if I can't talk to him, this was the next best thing. I walked back into that house more confused than ever. Lindsay slept on the couch and I didn't think I could take staying in our bed alone. I grabbed a blanket and headed for the chair. I wasn't sure how the hell I was supposed to get any sleep tonight, but I was going to need to try. He was certainly right about one thing today was long, tomorrow longer, and there didn't seem to be an end in sight.

But I don't know when I will see you again,

and it gets so lonely

-Michael Grubbs, "Almost Everything"

Sleep, I don't remember what that word even means. It's been 6 days, 9 hours and 3 minutes since I found out my life is over. I've only been out to the dock three times because seeing him like that is becoming damn near impossible for me to handle. He's dead and I must somehow come to terms with that. There is just one small problem, I can't.

"Stop thinking kid." Ian said smiling making dinner to somehow try and get me to eat despite my lack of appetite.

"I wish. How is it possible you guys are going through the same thing yet you're so much stronger than I am?"

Unfortunately, that was the only way I could think at this point. They were functioning, which seemed like a foreign concept. I wasn't jealous of them; I just didn't understand how they were able to do so. Their strength seemed inspiring at sometimes and unattainable at others. Lindsay came around the corner and put her arm around me. I wish I could feel the warmth in her hug, I know it's there, but my body doesn't seem to feel anything.

"We aren't, and you're doing an incredible job. Honestly I can't even understand how you are doing it." She hugged me for what seemed like forever and I was hoping at some point to feel it, but I didn't and she didn't push or try to make me feel anything, she just knew.

"I just lost three days and I don't even know what happened. I'm a zombie." They laughed, it seemed funny to me as well, but the fact that it was the truth and my new reality which furthered my depression.

"Rightfully so, but we are here so just let us know what we can do for you. Now attempt to eat something or I'm going to continually stuff you with food." She playfully slapped my arm and grabbed three plates so we could eat together. Great another memory was starting to flood me, how the hell was I supposed to live.

"Honestly this looks incredible and it smells amazing but I'm not really hungry." I tried to make a getaway, I needed to get to the dock even though I knew that it was only going to make everything worse.

"Not an option." Both said at the same time, I let out a chuckle, well I don't know if I can call it that but sure, let's go with it.

"If you lose any more weight we have to go shopping." Lindsay knew that threat would get me to do anything. I didn't hate shopping but going out where other people could give me their sincerest sympathies stunk which made shopping one of the last things I wanted to do.

"Lindsay, I told you I don't..."

"I know, so eat." She sat down and smiled, she knew how to make me do just about anything.

So, I sat there, moving around food with my fork, knowing that I had to take bites because these two wouldn't be fooled by me rearranging the plate without actually eating anything. These two were exactly what I needed. They always knew what was best for me and if they weren't here I wouldn't function; not because I couldn't, right now I just didn't know how.

Someone once told me, in the wake of all this, that there are five steps in this grieving process. Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance, somehow it seems that these steps "everyone goes through" are melding into one big fucking mess. I don't know what to do anymore and it seems like it gets lonelier by the minute. No one understands anything that I'm going through except for my mother-in-law who doesn't want to talk to anyone. She has completely shut herself off from the world and apparently seeing me would make everything harder. I don't think she understands that we both lost the most important person in our lives and she doesn't realize that she's the lucky one. She had years and years, watching him grow up, live his life, become the man that he was. I was cheated. I will miss all the times we should have had. I have the "what ifs" and the "maybes" and the "could have been." Not her. I know I'm being selfish but so is she. I had to close my eyes and get out of my head, today was another day that I just had to get through.

I miss you; with every part of my being. This doesn't make sense and I don't understand. Being with you was so easy. Every time I'm caught off guard with a memory, or a conversation I start to cry. I know it was real. I know you meant every word, every action, every breath, so I don't understand how this happened. I hate this, and I want to hate you but I can't bring myself too. I want to find the red flags but there were none. I just want you to call or text or come through the door but you aren't. I want it so badly it hurts. Every time my phone beeps or there's a knock on the door, I pray it's you. Every time it's not, it hurts and I don't know how to fix me. I don't know how to fix whatever happened but I wish you could be here and give us a real chance. I wish I would've held you harder, kissed you forever, breathed you in stronger. I don't get this; I think it hurts more than it should. I need to move forward but the thought of doing it hurts more because I feel like I'm hurting us. There is no us and I don't know how much longer I can hold on to wanting you. I know I could never change what happened; I just wish we had more time.

It was a year ago on a beautiful that that the sun was out, making the cool breeze seem warmer. The sky could not have been any bluer as we sat out in the back yard after a long day of working. Jackson had gone into the house to grab two glasses and a bottle of wine. I shut my eyes and let the sun shine down on my face until I could feel his presence as he was walking back. Even though we hadn't been together for that long, there was an undeniable connection. Something I certainly couldn't explain, it was just there. I could tell if he was happy, or if something was wrong; if he wanted to tell me something or share in the joy of an accomplishment. It was a skill that I didn't know I had until I met him, and it came in handy. One of the biggest reason I thought our relationship worked so well was that we always told each what was on our minds. No apologies for who we were and trying to change the other wasn't on the table at all. If one of us wanted to make changes in our own lives, we were inspired by something that the other did. We never tried to change each other, I think we just wanted to be the best version of ourselves for each other. Jackson sat and looked at me with this expression in his eyes. I wasn't sure what he wanted but I knew that it was something because he just kept staring.

"What's wrong?" I said opening my eyes, and placing my hand towards my glass, taking a big sip and looking towards him.

"Nothing." He just stared down at his glass moving the liquid around mindlessly.

"Okay sure, nice try though, what is it?"

"Well truthfully, I'm thinking that you should meet my mother, Grace."

I smiled. Nothing made me happier or surer that we were moving in the right direction. My heart began to beat a little bit faster, and I wasn't sure that I could contain myself, but I did, he seemed nervous about it, but I don't think it had anything to do with me. I knew that he didn't introduce people to his family unless he was sure of them, Ian always said that. Family was a big deal to him, and that was my favourite thing about him. The love and trust he had for his family, he wanted to protect them and now he wanted me to meet them, I must have been doing something right.

"Okay, that sounds great."

Jackson's eyes lit up and I knew that was the answer he was looking for.

"Jackson, why were you nervous? Did you think that I would've said no?" I wanted to find out the answer but something inside of me was too nervous to find out.

"I didn't think so but I wanted to make sure it was okay. I want to keep our relationship moving forward and I think now is the right time." We had been together for some time at this point yet some of the things he said still surprised me.

He had met my parents about a week ago and it couldn't have gone any better. I always valued my family's opinions, they were loud, but they loved hard with nothing but good intentions. When I talked to them after, they felt the same way I did. He was the one. All the women in my family immediately loved him, not only because he's so beautiful but because of his warm heart and compassion. He fit in with the guys so easily that the whole day went off without a hitch.

"Yes, I think it's a great idea." I just smiled, that was all I could do in the moment. He was a mystery sometimes and I knew that I was very lucky to be the one who got to solve it.

"Me too. What exactly were you thinking of doing?"

"Well we could call her to come over for dinner."

"Perfect, I think made too much anyway." I smiled and kissed him on the cheek before moving into the house to set another plate at the table.

I knew he needed some time outside to call his mom and let his nerves slow down. I didn't get nervous the way he did when something truly important was happening, but I understood how he dealt with things which was always going to be different than mine. I wanted to get everything perfect, myself included, seeing as I wasn't expecting this.

This was one of those times I was sad we didn't live together; I didn't stay over often but thankfully I always kept a "just in case" bag. You never know when a girl can't resist the urge and it never hurts to be prepared. I had everything I needed to be presentable to meet his mother. I was starting to get nervous as I walked down the stairs, but Jackson always knew how to fix that. The look on his face as I was walking down the stairs said it all.

"Wow, you look incredible," he said pulling me into a heart melting kiss. Nothing, I mean, nothing in the world was better than kissing this man.

"Thanks, you don't look to bad yourself," I needed to put a stop what was happening before it started, but he just kept kissing me. "Not that I ever complain, but I just got ready and your mom should be here soon right?"

"Mhmm" Jackson was able to say in between the small kisses he placed on my neck.

"So, although I love doing this, I think we should finishing getting everything ready." Jackson's growl in his throat said he didn't want too but I knew that it was the best idea and he laughed as he walked away from me.

"For future note, you can't come down, looking like that, me knowing you might be staying here tonight, and not expect me to go insane." Just as he backed away, the door bell rang. "Good timing, I can barely contain myself near those legs." He said smacking my ass and walking to the door.

That evening was perfect. She walked in and I did a double take, they were so similar, she too was incredibly beautiful. She was tall with the most heart warming smile. Love shone through her eyes and when you were in her presence you knew that she was genuinely interested in what you were saying and that she wanted to get to know you.

I loved his mother instantly and I'm sure the feeling was mutual. It seemed like she knew that all I wanted was for her son to be happy. You could feel that radiating from me and I wanted to assure that was the only thing that I had in mind. We talked about the local news, what was going on in the magazines. We talked about books and ones that we think the other would be interested in. She talked me into buying more, and lending ones that I had around the house to her.

I was actually kind of sad when the evening ended. She told me that she would be seeing me soon, which did make me happy. I knew that we would defiantly get along which would intern make Jackson a very happy man.

"I really enjoyed myself, your mother is incredible," I said leaning into his arms, closing my eyes and immediately feeling a calm brush over me.

"She loved you. How could she not. Just think any time your lonely, the two of you always have loving me in common."

"If you weren't so damn cute, I'd tell you that sometimes you can be a real ass. You know I'm a little sad that she left," I said laughing not really thinking before I said that.

"I prefer she left but having me in common is great. I keep things interesting, but whatever you like is fine too. And let me tell you, I love my mother but trying to keep my hands off you and be respectful has almost killed me. Please don't ever wear that again when my mother is around." He said as he picked me up and brought us upstairs.

I thought about what I was wearing, some cute shorts and a pretty top, nothing that special, but apparently enough to drive him crazy. Jackson was incredible; he knew how far to take me and he never took it to where I became uncomfortable. He was always patient and caring and never once threw a fit that we weren't having sex. Although if I knew then what it would've been like, I may have broke my own promise; Keeping my hands off him was just as big of a job as keeping his hands off me.

I remember when you lost your head,

Sometimes I wonder how you stay so sad

when you're so beautiful

-Michael Grubbs, "Dance So Good"

Life is a funny thing. You blink and you miss it, you think too hard and you fall down, you try and try and finally succeed but sometimes life is cruel. It can be a bitch. Love is one of the most fragile gifts that you treasure just like life. Take it one day at a time, enjoy every single moment because when you least expect it something happens and your life is gone.

I just wanted to lie in bed all day, because there's little else and nothing left to do. For years I always slept alone, but today it just hit me, I won't sleep next to Jackson again. I won't feel the way his arms curled around me, the soft snore had when he couldn't sleep, the kisses on my hair when we woke up, nothing. I had nothing left but memories. I can't live with that but for some reason I'm going to have to. It's been 176 days, 9 hours, and 16 minutes, since that day. That's 176 sleepless nights, 176 endless days and 253,440 moments without him. I just wanted to rest and forget everything but that didn't seem like an option. Just as depression was about to set in, a small knock on the door jolted me straight up as Ian walked into the room.

"Hey I'm sorry, I was just thinking today is a great day for a walk. Care to join me?" Did I, no, should I...

"Actually before the depression and this bed consume me, just let me change and I'll meet you downstairs." I said slowly getting out of bed. "Ian, you know if you have better things to do, a girlfriend and friends to attend to, it's okay. I'll be okay."

"First off I'm glad we are getting out for a walk, and secondly I have no girlfriend and my best friend unfortunately was taken from us so I'm going to make sure that we get through this together. You are my friend and I want to take care of you. So when I think you're going to be okay, I'll back off but right now, I'm not okay and that means you can't be either." And with that he was gone, "I'm waiting downstairs," he yelled. Well, Jackson sure knew how to pick them.

I got ready as fast as I could, I didn't feel the need for anything besides shorts, a t-shirt, and a hat. I didn't put any effort into my hair or make up because the only person in the world that I wanted to impress was gone so to hell with the rest of them. I threw my shoes on and out the door we went.

Neither one of us had any idea of where to walk to, nothing seemed right anymore and I didn't know how to fix that. We just walked, at first in silence. Ian was a great guy; he knew that I didn't want to be pressed for nonsense chit chat so he didn't. If I said something, he replied if he needed too otherwise it was a very comfortable silence.

He was an extremely good-looking man, and at this point, with the way he took care of me, I'm not sure why he was single. He was tall, taller than me, he had these amazing blue eyes that pierced through you and were accentuated by his dark brown hair. He was tan and extremely fit from running all the time. Come to think of it he hadn't run in awhile, or I just haven't paid attention and he's gone when I'm out of it or asleep, which is a lot, so it's very possible. He had the biggest heart and he was certainly one of the most caring and compassionate people I knew. He asked me before staying on the couch every night, he allowed me to just vent if I needed him and he was always there to make sure I was okay, or eating or whatever it was at the time. He had a great job with an up and coming online company, which I was extremely grateful for at this moment in time. He was always there. I wasn't sure how I'd do in the house alone but so far I didn't have to worry about that. Ian said that he would stay until I didn't need him and I made a decision to be grateful instead of fighting him.

"You know we've been walking for a long time, think we should turn around and head back to the house?" Ian said as he broke me out of my own train of thought.

"Oh, we really have, that sounds good."

Ian looked at me funny, "Did I interrupt your thoughts?"

I smiled and laughed a little, thinking about it I think this is the first time I've laughed in days. "Actually yah, I was just thinking about why you were single, and how great of a guy you are and certainly how thankful I am that your here for me."

Ian smiled for a minute, and I thought where the hell did that comes from did, luckily he ignored my comment. "First off thank you, I would do anything for you and Jackson and that certainly does not change now. As for girls, I just haven't met the right one and I'm certainly not in the state of mind to worry about that now. Oh and it's really great to see your smile and hear your laugh, it's been awhile." And with that he kept walking. Wow okay he's just as direct as I am and certainly as Jackson was, no wonder why we get along. I remember the first time I met him, I knew he was a good guy.

I can't help but thinking, about that Sunday morning; we had made breakfast and sat around doing nothing. Jackson always loved this mornings, this had become an immediate tradition since we had gotten married. We both worked so hard all week that it was nice to wake up and stay in bed as long as we wanted to go and do things whenever we felt like it, and not be on a schedule. That morning was different; we had made plans for lunch with Jackson's friend and best man Ian. Sure, I had met him before, but I'd never really gotten to know him. He seemed like a good guy, he helped Jackson with anything he needed for the wedding, and he was always very polite and seemed responsible.

I was finishing getting ready as I heard Jackson walk through the door, "Hey where are we going again? I don't want to be over dressed."

Jackson came behind me grabbing my head and tilting it backward so he could kiss my forehead, I loved when he did that. "You look perfect, as usual. Ian doesn't do too dressy so it's fine, honestly."

I just smiled, looking one last time in the mirror, "Okay let's go, I'm ready." Grabbing my purse, we headed out of the house. Right now it was difficult to remember anything but the memory that I do have of this day is quite vivid. It was a gorgeous sunny day. Pulling into a driveway, I noticed that there was no actual restaurant, but a walk up window, and what looked like an incredible park and pond behind it.

"Are we going for a lunch walk?"

Jackson came and grabbed my hand, "Yah, Ian thought it was a good idea, and I didn't want you to know, it's kind of a cool place and it's incredible outside so it works out perfectly."

"That's awesome. Hey Ian," He was walking over and it was always difficult for me to understand how both Jackson and all of his friends were incredibly good looking.

"What do you think Anna?"

"Honestly this is a great idea. Does this place have good food?" The boys looked at each other and smiled, "Darlin, if the food wasn't good we wouldn't be here."

I should've known. We each grabbed something and started out on the trail. It was a fun day with really great conversation. Ian was really interesting and patient and super understanding with all of my questions. There was something unexplainable but I instantly knew that we would get along and it seemed that was exactly what happened. We clicked, and of course it makes sense as we had Jackson in common. There were other things, our love of nature, running, cooking, books and all kinds of other things that gave me the sense that if I needed him, I could just call. It was nice.

It had always been that way with Jackson, he was always so easy to be around, from the minute we had our first date and I fricken missed it. But that's the funny thing; you can't have one simple feeling can you? That one small memory I had immediately turned into grief, which turned into shame and guilt over having these feelings for another man. It wasn't possible and it never would be but that feeling of familiarity was smashed through me and I realized there was just another reason that life wasn't fair and sometimes it really sucked.

"Still with me?" Ian asked, and I looked up with what I assumed were tears, yet again in my eyes. I stared at him remembering that I once had someone to care about me and watch over me and now that person was taken from me.

"Yah," I choked out trying not to drown in my tears and think of something else. "I was just thinking, bad habit I guess. This is all so overwhelming and hard to handle and sometimes I just..."

Ian just grabbed me and pulled me towards him wrapping his arms tight around me and said nothing. Neither did I, because this moment held some sort of solace for me, and for Ian and it seemed that we stayed that way for an eternity. It was nice not having to worry and think but just feel normal, just for a split second.

"You know," Ian said pulling me just far enough so he could look into my eyes as he finished his sentence, "I'm always here and so is Lindsay so if you need to vent, or talk, or cry or scream, it's okay, and we'll both be here for you."

I just nodded because I didn't know what else to do. We stood there for a few more moments because something like this would eat my guilt if it happened in the house.

"I think we should head back and figure out what the hell I'm going to do with that house."

Ian looked at me like I had three heads. "Um what do you mean?"

I had decided at that moment if I was going to move on with my life at some point, I needed to go through everything that we had made together, only keeping the things I couldn't live without but I was going to have to move.

"The place I felt most loved in, is ruined. I can't move forward if I'm stay there. I had a spot you know, the dock behind the house. It was mine and it brought me solace and peace, when I had a bad day, when Jackson and I fought, when I need to think or be alone with my thoughts it was my spot. But I can't seem to bring myself near it anymore. It's where I was when I felt that something was very wrong on that day and I honestly want nothing to do with it. So you are going to help me, go through our stuff and figure out what to keep, what to give away and then I am going to put it for sale." I finished, half surprised I told him about the spot and the other half surprised I hadn't begun sobbing.

"Well, I like to hear that you have a plan and there is still some fight you. It's nice to see you coming back; I do think you should go once more to that spot at some point before you move. Whenever that is, it might help you to come to terms with something but I won't force it. So let's go back home and start, one room at a time right?" Ian said putting his hand out for me to grab.

I took hold and looked up at him, "One room at a time."
Part Two:

Anger
We'll fall,

We'll try,

to do our best but

I'll love you all the while.

-Michael Grubbs, "Light Outside"

I was pissed, like I had gotten a million times over the past few days. This is bullshit and frankly I don't give a damn what anyone thinks. It's impossible to feel any differently. How would you like feeling the societal pressure to "move on" and "grasp" what has happened? No, you wouldn't and I can tell you it can be said without any words spoken. I can feel everyone around me thinking what is it going to be time, will it ever be time, will she every feel different. You know what; it's none of your damn business. I don't know what the "proper" thing to do here is but I don't care.

Packing sucks and anyone who tells you any differently has been lying to you for your whole life. It's not fun and especially when someone dies, as in the love of your life, it sucks even worse. "Anything else you want from this room?" Ian asked taking the last box of things I actually needed and I found myself sitting in the middle of the floor with piles of random things everywhere. "that should be it. But you have to promise to keep me focused until I get through the rest of this crap." I said picking a coaster up and throwing it in one of the hundreds of trash bags that sat in the room. We weren't messy people but apparently we had a lot of stuff. That's one thing you don't realize is how much stuff two people can have. We take everything little for granted and trying to choose which things to throw out and what to keep, how much to keep. "Ian, I'm overwhelmed, let's try doing this a different way. You pick something up and I have to immediately decide to keep it or throw it away." I said pulling myself up from the floor and sitting next to him on the bed. This really seemed like the best option because throwing stuff out on a regular occasion wasn't something fun so having to make that decision when you're holding onto things for sheer memory wasn't any easier.

He was really a good friend to be doing this with me. We'd gone through most of the house, starting at the ground floor and moving upstairs. There was this room and my bedroom next, and that was it. I think I was un-consciously leaving Jackson and my bedroom for last and finding small spaces to do before that dreaded feet. There were too many memories, yet still not enough made. There should have been millions more. So many lost opportunities, missed moments, time lost and going through every other room was still a reminder of what my life has become. Sleepless nights, conversations had, love made, desires created, fantasies fed, days spent between the sheets, secrets whispered, too many things to deal with. It was the room where it could take forever and the realness would set back in. I was doing okay for the past week. Great actually and not feeling guilty about it, Lindsay had come and gone as much as she could over the past week and it was a lot easier to have Ian here. He worked from his computer anyway so I always had someone with me. I wasn't sure what I was going to do when we ran out of rooms and he had to go back to his life, but that was something I didn't want to think about so I didn't.

Someone once said "We never know how strongly we cling to objects until they are taken away, and he who thinks that he is attached to nothing, is frequently grandly mistaken, being bound to a thousand things, unknown to himself." Well they were dead on and it's amazing how much you don't think about something until you can't have it again. Ian got up and switched spots with me, shaking me out of my thoughts. It was a bad habit of mine but it had worsened as I didn't have much else to think about. "I think that's a great idea. Alright where to start, okay how about this," I immediately answered whether to keep or toss, it went like this for almost the rest of the room. When someone else is holding what you consider to be your prize possessions and you actually step back and think about need over want, it's a lot easier. Hours later and another room down, I was feeling okay still, better even because I didn't associate everything he had picked up with something that NEEDED to stay. It was easier on me both physically and emotionally and I was starting to feel like there was some sort of progress happening. Maybe those dreaded steps weren't melded together anymore and I was getting to that whole acceptance thing, or way ahead of myself, it was one of the two. "Well I'd say this was a great idea. We're almost done, only one room left and I promise we can do that whenever you're ready. Let's finish this up and I'll head down to order food." Ian said grabbing the last few things, and something made me stand up. "What's wrong?" he said looking at me with a scared look. "I think you deserve a real home cooked meal, it's the absolute least I can do for you, throw the rest of this stuff out and I'll start on dinner. I warn you it's been a little while so I might be rusty with the cooking." Ian just laughed, stood up and hugged me. I took a deep breath inhaling the smell of clean incredible man. Jackson didn't smell like this and it was when I closed my eyes and sunk into the hug that I heard something. "Anna it's okay to feel," I whipped my head around and stepped back. "Anna, are you okay?" Ian asked grabbing my arms "Yah I'm fine, meet you downstairs." I said running outside for a bit of fresh air. I closed my eyes tight again hoping to hear his voice,

"Jackson, are you still there?"

"Always, and it's okay, I'm so proud of you. You're doing amazing." I immediately started to cry. I couldn't stop the tears and it felt like I was back at square one.

"Don't cry babe, I'm here as long as you need me." I didn't know what to do beside nod, which wasn't the smartest seeing as I didn't know how this worked or if he could see what I had just done.

"I want you to promise to keep moving forward with Lindsay and Ian. They're both great for you, and you're doing incredible you really are."

I was still stunned. I had seen him the first time and this time I could hear him and feel a warm presence that I couldn't explain it and I didn't have to. No one could feel like this and I certainly couldn't explain it without sounding insane.

"I miss you." I choked out.

"I know, I miss you like crazy, this isn't fair but I can say being able to talk to you does help." All I could do is just smile, it did help but sometimes it just sucked.

"I try not to do this because it's amazing and sucky all at the same time."

"I know and its okay. I don't know how much longer I can do this either, I should leave you alone to live your life, but I just want to keep watch on you for a bit longer if that's okay."

Tears welled up and came pouring out.

"Anna, please don't feel like you're cheating on me, or that you're moving too fast, or that you feel guilty for being happy. Please believe nothing would make me happier than for you to be happy again, whenever that happens."

"Of course it is. Jackson I..."

"I know baby. I promise you will be okay, I'm proud that you're cleaning out the house, and getting out and certainly that you're cooking again because you are seriously good at it. I don't want you to live in fear though. I want you to live through the emotions and don't be afraid of them. Just feel them. I have to go and you need to cook before Ian freaks that you ran away or something. I love you and remember, just close your eyes and ask for me. I'll be here."

I opened my eyes, dried my face off and headed back into the house. I think that's just about what I needed right now and I think it's a good idea to call Lindsay over for dinner, because although Jackson said I should move on, I'm just not sure what I should and shouldn't be doing here, no one really gives you a timeline for this type of thing.

I know you wanna stay in bed,

But it's light outside, It's light outside.

So know I'm gonna stay here,

because you saved my life once.

-Michael Grubbs, "Light Outside"

"Jackson what are we doing, I can't see anything. I don't want to fall," I was able to get out between laughing hysterically and worrying about tripping over something. He had his hands over my eyes so I couldn't see and something about that made me uneasy.

"Would you relax and trust me. It's not like I'm kidnapping you, you're my wife." I just smiled and nodded, it has to be my favourite new phrase, his wife, yup definitely had the best ring to it ever!

"Okay how much longer?" I said pretending to get ready to run away from him, he could feel it though. Jackson was always so much faster than me.

"First off, we are here and second do you really think you can run away from me? Please. Okay, open them." I stopped laughing immediately and opened my eyes waiting for them to adjust to the light outside. He had covered them for so long that it took a minute of blinking before I could see what was happening in front of me.

"I know that you didn't want to do much today and I normally wouldn't have complained by it's beautiful out here and I know you wanted to make a garden so..." Before he could finish his though, my lips were on his, crashing together. He was literally the best husband ever and keeping my hands off him for this long was killing me. Let's just say life couldn't have been any better.

"Oh wow, yep this was a great idea, so hubby where do we start?" He just laughed at me as I elbowed him in the side and started running towards the dirt he had dug up in a perfect rectangle and all the tools and things we needed lay out near it.

He took off running after me before letting me tackle him back down to ground.

That afternoon was perfect, and I'm not sure what made me think about it today, maybe it was the weather, or seeing it from the window as I had got up. Our beautiful garden was over grown and basically destroyed and for a moment my heart hurt at the sight of it. Not because it reminded me of Jackson, which it did, but because I should've taken better care of it, and that was what today's mission was going to be. It was beautiful outside again, similar to that day already 10 months ago. It had been over 300 days, 6 hours and 32 minutes since my world fell apart but this memory was saving my day and might have saved my life the day we created it, I just didn't know it yet.

I walked back downstairs and went to see if Ian was awake. Lindsay had come over but hadn't stayed last night. I didn't need her to stay but after a long day, I wanted to thank both her and Ian for actually saving my life. They had done so much for me and it was something I would never have been able to repay them for. Like usual Ian was up working on something and as he heard my feet creek on the floorboard he turned around.

"Hey, how'd you sleep?" He said looking like he got some sleep last night.

"Great actually and today I've come up with another mission for us, if you're up for it and certainly whenever you're done working." I started to leave but he had stopped me before I could. I hadn't been a fan of this whole hugging thing, while besides with Jackson, but every time Ian hugged me, as friendly as it was, it had melted away just a small piece of my walls and I was starting to feel happy about it.

"Okay, wow I'm super proud of you. I knew that it would take a little bit of time but the progress you've made is incredible. I'm done working anyway just doing some random stuff waiting to see what we were up to today, so what are we doing."

He was so sweet and gentle, but certainly the only reason I was function. "Your adorable and thank you. I'm feeling pretty good today. It's beautiful outside and almost a year ago Jackson and I made that garden," I pointed outside, "Well what's now become a large pile of weeds and it made me sad that it's turned out like this. He was so excited that day and I was to so if you don't mind some manual labor, I would really like if we could start working on it today."

Ian smiled at me and nodded. "Of course, let's go out there and see what it looks like before we make a plan and go get what we need. You know we are going to have to go shopping right?" the way he looked at me was so concerned, yep he knew how bad my aversion to shopping had become.

"Yup and I'm almost half ready for it."

"Wow, alright, let's go see what it looks like."

The real test was ahead of me and walking outside the house into that area, the last few times I was out there I was with Jackson. My reality was what it was and at some point or another I was going to have to face things that I was reluctantly hiding from. This was going to be a long and hard day but I'm ready for it.

As we walked towards the garden I started to cry and Ian stopped, looked at me, and somehow soothed my nerves without saying a word. The look on his face was so soft that I was able to keep going.

"You know Anna, if you changed your mind it's okay, we can tackle this another day, it's enough that you're already out here." I had stopped again without even noticing and I just stood there. I knew that if I wanted to stop, that it was too much, it would be okay but today I was determined, but where's the rule that said determination must be fast and furious?

"You know Ian I really appreciate that, but its okay. I'm ready."

After a couple of hours we had ripped out all the weeds, turned over the dirt and did everything we needed too before we made the list and headed to the store. It was actually a great day and the nervous of going to the store had settled and by the time we arrived I was okay. Mind you, in and out was the way I would've preferred, but with Ian it was okay, we were talking and without saying it, he had made sure that we bought everything. He kept reminding me that all decisions were going to have to me mine. He knew it was important that this be about me and not doing it for someone else. I wanted to fix it, so I did. I never said I didn't need help but it was my ideas and my doing that made it happen I just had a little assistance.

"I really can't thank you enough," I looked over at Ian; we accomplished so much today and I was starting to get both exhausted and hungry. "Why don't we go in, clean up and I'll attempt to make dinner again."

Ian nodded, finished what he was doing and followed me into the house a little later. It was a comfortable day and I felt so accomplished and not once did I stop to think about going towards the dock, and now that I think about it a slight guilt washed over me.

I had finished cleaning myself up and started downstairs to begin dinner when I saw Ian come in. There was no denying that he was attractive but with working out in the sun all day, the way his body was dirty without being filthy, the way he walked towards me, and that loving look in his eyes. He was almost too much to handle. First off he was Jackson's best friends, second his was my saving grace at the moment, and third I had already gotten the chance to be with the love of my life, so I might get to date people down the road but I had my shot and fate killed it. So as I see it, my chance is gone. Yes, if you're doing the math, that's a lot of years for me, another topic I steered clear of thinking about.

Ian came down just as I was in the middle of making dinner and instead of sitting down and keeping me company; he grabbed a spoon and started stirring whatever was on the stove. Getting distracted by him was just that easy. I shook my head, some other women is actually going to win the lottery with this guy.

"Anna, this smells amazing, do you need any help?" The sight of him was breathtaking and the easy way he glided across the room, turning on music and helping me without having to say anything reminded me too much of Jackson and I ran out. I started to head to the door leading outside; I decided to stop on the porch. I just sat there trying to calm my tears and my mind. This was too much yet I needed him in the house. What was I supposed to do?

"Anna!" I could hear him calling my name, if his voice sounded anything like Jackson's I would've had to ask him to leave, thankfully he didn't. "Anna!" again nothing came out of my voice, I tried to tell him I was out here, and I just couldn't. "Anna!" I could hear it getting closer making my tears stream harder and faster. "Anna! I was so worried, are you okay?" You could tell he was hesitant, he had hugged me earlier, but he was smart enough to know that it was something he had done that set me off and he kept his distance. I wanted to be hugged, to be consoled, I couldn't stop what was happening and the tears kept coming.

This was one of the few times anyone saw me break down like this. Of course I had cried, after I came out of my numb state. I was alone. When I was on the dock with Jackson it didn't feel like I was alone but when I couldn't handle waking up in the morning but I made it a point to get up and leave so no one saw me like this.

I was shaking at this point, I couldn't stop it, I was upset in general but I think I was more upset because someone saw me.

"Ian....I just....I'm....fine....I'm...just....leave..." That's all I could manage out before he gave me a look that said seriously, like I'm going to leave you and he just sat next to me, looking out at the stars. His presence was comforting but I couldn't stop. I just needed to cry and that's what I did.

"Shhh... Anna, just cry, it's okay." Ian grabbed my hand rubbing his fingers up and down my arm. Jackson never did that so it was okay. After awhile I started to calm down and this was it. I had to tell someone what was going on in my head because this whole thing couldn't happen again.

"Okay, Ian. I'm gonna grab a couple glasses, a bottle of wine and maybe a blanket for me and when I come back, it's time. I can't be doing that all the time, just running away from the issues. I have to tackle them, if that's okay?"

Ian smiled "Of course, if you're ready. I'm here." I was up before he finished and grabbed my things taking one step before pausing to close my eyes real tight hoping Ian knew, without having to talk to me, that I was okay and that this was a good day. I could feel a warm breeze fall over my arms and I smiled hoping that he could hear my thoughts. I started towards the door putting the day behind me and mentally preparing for the conversation that was about to happen.

See you miss the feeling when you step outside,

and your mind comes all untied.

-Michael Grubbs, "Almost Everything"

I sat down next to Ian, finished pouring in our glasses and started talking.

"Okay, this is the first time I've ever had cried, like that, in front of people." I let out a sigh because this was going to be a long conversation.

"Yeah I noticed..." That's all he said knowing I didn't need anything else.

"Well I'm not a crazy emotional person, not that I have always been this way, but it's impossible for me to feel something, anything. Since Jackson's been gone I don't feel anything, well not until a couple of days ago. I've been feeling little by little but nothing serious until right now. I've decided that all those damn stages I'm supposed to go through have melded into one and I'm a huge mess. I just shut down, as you well know. It wasn't until this morning that I actually wanted to get up and do something and it felt good." I took a big sip of wine and let it sink in.

"From day one I shut down, numb is my only feeling right now and I'm trying to change that. You and Lindsay are my saving grace, pretty much the reason I leave my room in the morning and certainly the reason for any progress that I've made over this past year. They've been days from hell and when you guys knock me back to reality from my train of thought it's the only thing that gets me throughout the day. This is hard, life sucks and it's not fucking fair. I'm only 27 and it's not fair that the love of my life is gone, taken from me, without my say or a warning or even a real goodbye. I don't remember much about that day but every moment since we've meet has been perfection. Everything about our relationship is perfect..."

I stopped remembering that is turned into was. "I mean was perfect and I just don't understand what I'm supposed to do." Feeling tears well up again i paused before continuing.

"It doesn't make sense and truthfully I'm a little pissed off. I'm sure that sounds odd but I'm down right mad. This was supposed to be my happy ending, my chance at everything I wanted, a chance to have my fairy-tale come true and now what. It's hard being the footnote in everyone else's love story. It's like hearing that someone you dated a long time ago is engaged to someone else. It's odd and part of you think it's not right, not fair, not what was supposed to happen and you stop and want to tell them to fuck the hell off. Your next move to show off the love of your life but I don't get to do that anymore. All the reunions, friends' parties, and family gatherings, yep alone. That sounds just perfect, just fucking perfect. The worst moment of it all is when you finally get to see that one person from your past and fake that you're so happy for them and congratulations and blah blah blah, again alone."

I sat there for a moment letting it consume me, letting the rage and the hate and regret and the loneliness hit. It felt like a tidal wave crashing against me as I desperately tried to swim against the current, impossible. Drowning and surviving at the same time wasn't going to be easy but it was going to be necessary. I took a deep breath and let it hit me for the last time. This was going to be it. I was going to get hit one last time, knocked out for the final round and I was going to come back and win. I was going to get everything I could back and it would always hurt in that part of my heart was ripped out but that wasn't going to change. I thought in that moment that pitying myself wasn't going to stop others from pitying me. I wasn't going to be able to stand up for myself if I didn't stop them. I couldn't let them make me feel small and insignificant. I was going to stand up for myself. I needed to be prepared for those memories that were going to come, for the milestones that weren't possible, for all the time I wasn't going to have and I have to turn it around. It had been more than 11 months and it was going to take a lifetime for me to get better, so I'm starting now.

"Ian, if I don't stop pitying myself, people are just going to keep pitying me forever. I need to get back into my life. The full swing of things or I'll never do anything I wanted to do, we wanted to do. I know that Jackson will always be with me but I need to be the woman I was with him. So tomorrow we are going to do something I said I'd always do." He sat there looking at me, not asking questions and I knew that he'd do anything I asked.

"And after that, I think I need to not be so dependent on you and Lindsay,"

"You're not dependent" he interrupted and I let him continue "and I refuse to leave you and Lindsay will say the same thing, I will step back but I'll always be there."

I didn't feel like arguing so I smiled and knew he was right. Although this emotional release had sparked a fire that was missing, maybe it was a good idea to keep some things the same for now and just back off slowly.

"Okay, well I'm heading to bed and making a list of things I need to do and maybe there are some items you can help me with." He smiled back and I got up to find my note book.

After an hour I felt better and knew that for the first time in a long time I was going to do something for me.

Goodnight Jackson, I love you
Part Three:

Bargaining

Now you tell me that you're on the mend,

Sometimes I wonder how you don't go mad,

when you're so beautiful.

-Michael Grubbs, "Dance So Good"

I've really taken to this journal writing business, plus it keeps everyone off my back about seeing a therapist. I just tell them that I'm writing everything down and it's cathartic so I don't need to do anything else. Let's see how much time this actually buys me. I walked down from my bedroom into the study where my journal ominously sits. I've only used it a few times but for the next little while I'm going to try and use it. The room was silent, as it always was and I sat there and open my journal I picked up my pen and it just started pouring out.

Get a tattoo

The incessant buzzing was the worst part, so much worse than the actual pain; I looked over and mouthed to Ian "is it almost done". I saw a nod and closed my eyes, breathing in and out through what was left of the pain. He could have been lying for all I knew because looking down at the needles piercing into my wrist was not an option, but focusing on not throwing up was. When people tell you it's easy and not that bad, they are lying. I don't care if they have three or their body is full.

"Alright looks like we're done." The tattoo artist put his gun down and wiped my wrist for what seemed like the millionth time. Okay so it's not a walk in the park but it's not that bad either. Someone said when it's done I'll be addicted to them. Not sure if that's what happens but I'm also unsure of why or how people get addicted to putting their bodies in pain for really no reason but personal pleasure. If that's the case, their idea of pleasure needs to be altered. When it's done I'll be happy and I'll be able to cross one thing off my list.

I didn't want to look down but at the same time I did. I wanted something close to me that was a constant reminder of him and everything good. There it was shiny, black and everything I'd wanted.

Jackson

"What do you think?" I had to stop for a minute. What did I think?

My mind spun in a million directions. Would I regret this? Was this the best decision? What would Jackson's mother think? At that moment Ian began to smile and I stop and thought who the hell cares.

"I love it, thank you." I looked between Ian and the tattoo and listen to all the aftercare information. When I was certain I knew what to do it was my turn to hold Ian's hand. He had loved the idea and wanted Jackson's name on his shoulder. Something to do with always having each other's backs, who was I to judge. As I sat there he didn't flinch, apparently men are immune to all pain; I kept looking down and smiling knowing that it was a permanent part of me.

I sat there starring. When you're a child shinny things catch your eye and you can't help but be distracted by them. That is exactly what this feels like. Every time you become enthralled in an activity, you'll do something and then BAM some more foreign ink on your body. People also don't remember to mention how bloody itchy this thing is. First step one is don't itch. Ever had a mosquito bite that got scratched by accident? Multiply that by ten thousand and try not to itch that. All in all it's an interesting thing and you certainly don't get used to in five minutes. You begin to think that this is permanently inked on your skin. No amount of tanning or make up makes it go away. No matter what you do, it's still there. It's like love. Real true love is always there no matter what happened and as a tear dropped from my eye I knew that this was the right thing.

Another half an hour and we were done. "When you said bucket list, I didn't know how crazy we would get. What's next?"

"Settle down, it's a one item a day kind of gig and I'll let you know what you can and can't help me with. These are all things we wanted to do together and somewhat private. Now back home because this thing is starting to get gross and I can't wait to wash this."

I sat down after washing what can only be described as something grotesque and began to write down the things that I wanted to do.

1. Travel to France (we said we were going to do this so I am)

2. Go scuba diving/snorkeling and experience sea life up close

3. Go skiing

4. Learn to play chess (well get better at it because you always won)

5. Let someone know how much they mean to me (everyday because clearly life's too short)

6. Give a heartfelt surprise to someone

7. Make a difference in someone's life

8. Sing to an audience

9. Befriend a stranger

10. Dance barefoot in the rain

11. Get a complete makeover (it just sounds like fun)

12. Learn wine etiquette

13. Pack my bags and set off for a random place with no itinerary

14. Get a tattoo (CHECK)

15. Read a book on a subject I don't know about and never thought about learning

16. Gain enlightenment

17. Perform a "My Fair Lady" song

18. Visit an art museum and listen to the audio tour

19. Pay it forward

20. Love again

Getting this tattoo has made me think of all kinds of things. How much of my day is spent making decisions, it was kind of nice to just go out and do something spontaneous. Going to work every day I'm bombarded with a million questions and decisions that need to be made right away. Kind of reminds me of the whole "bargaining" stage in this grieving shit. Which I don't really know if I'm in but hey let's go with it. When I stopped and made my list of things to do, I found myself arguing over what is important and what wasn't. I stopped because the point of the list isn't to be arguing with yourself the point of the list, the point is to do things you might not do without incentive.

I've looked up this bargaining stage and there's a lot of information. So many articles suggesting that asking for one thing and in return not doing something else. To me, it's not making much sense. It's a bit too late for me to ask that my husband doesn't die and I'll eat right. Who actually believes in this stuff? I mean I understand the give and take thing but I'm not sure that this stage really applies to me. Although all the "ifs" part of bargaining I get. If I could add all of my "what if's" I think I could fill a couple of swimming pools. I did read something helpful, that people don't necessarily feel each stage in a linear pattern. That you can flow through each stage and have them at the same time as well.

Maybe if Jackson wouldn't have been late with a client that day, that car wouldn't have hit him. Maybe if they would've been a lot later in their meetings he could still be there. Maybe if we called in sick like he joked that morning he would be here. I figure I could go on and on but what is that going to do besides make me feel awful and want to crawl into a hole. Somehow it sounds to me like I'm in some part responsible or that client is somehow responsible.

I know that people are asking me to do things as a way of getting me out of the house and trying to make me move on, and this list is probably a way of doing that as well but I'm not sure it's going to work. I keep going back and forth on the list trying to decide what is easier, or what should be next or if there really should be a specific order to any of this. I'm hoping that someone will end up helping me with the list, what am I saying I'm not doing any of it without Lindsay and Ian or some form of the two of them.

You'd be foolish if you stayed here now,

Maybe if you leave we can work it out,

Cause I know the city only breaks you down,

And it gets you lonely

-Michael Grubbs, "Almost Everything"

Anyone ever tell you that starting over sucks, trying new things sucks and pretty much everything sucks? Did I accomplish things on the list, yes. Sometimes it was easy and sometimes it wasn't. I "paid" it forward buying the person behind me coffee. It seemed the easy was to get something accomplished without a lot of emotion to it. I wandered around the Art institute in Chicago. I'd been there before but the audio tour something else easy but it turned out that I enjoyed myself more than I thought. I wrote a few letters letting some old friends I was thinking of them and that was easy- don't judge me but I basically copied and pasted. Hey, it's off the list, and maybe my conscious will kick me in the ass later. Could karma really be more cruel? Can't say that I went to France yet, started considering scuba diving, or learned to play chess-who the hell thought that was a good idea.

I can't figure out who is more important to surprise because Lindsay and Ian are equally important to me. I did complete the wine etiquette with Lindsay and Ian bought me a book on some kind of home improvement thing, plumbing I think, having a hard time with that one but I've done quite a few things, so naturally you'd think I'd be happy or feel accomplished. You guessed it, nope.

Sometimes I have moments that feel like that but there's nothing worse than getting excited and having something remind you of your reality then things just start crashing down. You guys know, that feeling of thinking something's going well then, bam out of nowhere sideswiped by a truck and jokes on you for thinking you might be happy. Its great right, everyone is thinking the same thing- WORST THING EVER, which will ultimately rule that damn number 20 right off the list.

Sometimes I look at that tattoo and think I'll move on and then there are times where I sit and look and cry- good to keep the balance. Being toyed around is something that us ladies have been prone to our whole lives. I wish there was a way I could help younger girls from going through this whole thing. I'd try and start with second guessing everything and making sure to throw yourself into frenzy when the boy you like doesn't text you back right away. I'm pretty sure that it's been ingrained in us since we were young and no one has done or said anything to make that part of us any better. Sure people can talk about self esteem and self worth but no one tells us what is "appropriate" in heart break or situations that you aren't sure how to handle. You can talk to your friends or your family but no one can make a decision for you which brings on the anger. I wish that sometimes people would just say, "hey it's okay to be bummed, upset, and frustrated" and it doesn't make you crazy or less of a person. It just makes you human and relatable to everyone else. Why does everyone say the same thing "his loss" and "don't worry there's something wrong with him. "You can do better" and "you'll find someone else." Yah that's what you want to hear seven minutes after someone breaks up with you; because that's what you're thinking about.

Sometimes thinking about all this stuff makes my head hurt, anyone else feel the same? Occasionally I think that it would be easier to pack up everything and start fresh somewhere else. New back story- less depressing of course- new friends and activities, wouldn't that just be amazing? Then I remember I love living where I do, I couldn't dream of completing any other job and I certainly wouldn't want to leave the only support system I know behind. Being jealous of those who can, and living vicariously through them is a great way to either get more depressed or feel better about your own struggles. I'll get better eventually but it still sucks. Sometimes you need to be okay with yourself and your lifestyle to let any happiness or anything good happen to you.

Dear Journal

Well it's been awhile but I have accomplished a few more things. Lindsay and I decided to get crazy make over's, ended up really drunk and ran around dancing in the rain. Yep ended just like you thought- sick for days! It was worth it none the less. I even got a red wig and the most ridiculous make up any one had ever seen. Ladies if you look at September issue (you know what I'm talking about) you know that the make up in there is specifically for them and not really anyone else. I looked like a cross between a circus act and a really bad cartoon, thank goodness for the rain and the fact that there aren't any photographs. I finally finished the plumbing book and I've decided next time I make one of these I might just make them more specific. Plumbing is not an interest and trying to do something on your own stinks! The three of us are going skiing next weekend, God help me there. But it sounded like fun at the time and who knows what will happen. I have however decided to stop the list for the time being and get back to real life. I'm going to put this journal away because it's become another way I think I can talk to you and that's not good for me, plus I think I'm boarder line crazy.

"Anna, you ready?" I could hear Lindsay calling from the hall and was startled by the sound of someone else in the house. It's not like I thought I was getting robbed but I'm pretty used to the silence. Thankfully Lindsay was here to bring me out of the house. Yes we go out but sometimes I get into a rut. Work, sleep, sometimes eat, and repeat, which isn't good apparently.

"Yep, on my way," I turned around to shut the journal and Ian was standing behind be grabbing the bags that were left on the bed.

"We are going skiing, what the hell are you bringing?" He looked at me like I had over packed three bags is totally normal right?

"Nothing that isn't completely necessary. Plus everyone knows that I'm going to be terrible at this so I brought some stuff from work with me while I'm cozy in the lodge and you two are out freezing your asses off." I patted him on the back and ran downstairs.

"Alright I'm ready, let's go. Meet you in the car Ian," Lindsay called as she grabbed her one small bag, maybe I did over pack. Oh well, you have to be prepared.

Our car ride seemed to fly by. Turns out talking to real people makes things go faster than you anticipated. You know when you live alone, you get weird. We had a great weekend, attempted to ski, which I was not that bad at. I did get a ton of work done, which was an added bonus, and we completed the last bucket item list for awhile.

Conversations flew about heading to France or packing and going somewhere crazy but I wasn't ready for any of that yet and when I was, I knew who to call. For the first time in a very long time I was feeling good and wanting to get back to some of my normal activities back. I joined a new gym when we got back, I couldn't handle the thought of being where we met. I actually went shopping without someone dragging me around, big right! I went out on a few coffee and dinner dates with colleges and some of the friends that I had written too.

As I sat thinking over the weekend that just passed, the door bell rang and I yelled for Lindsay or Ian to come in but they didn't. I hadn't been expecting anyone,

"Hello," I asked before turning the door knob. Standing on the other side was someone that I never thought I'd see again.
"Hi darling, I thought I'd stop by and say hello. I was in the neighborhood and missing you and well here I am." I stopped for a moment and figured that the last time we talked would've been it. I was dumbfounded. I really didn't think we had anything left in common.

"Grace, it's so good to see you." My arms flew around her without thinking and we both started crying.

"Come in, I'm sorry I'm just getting home from a weekend trip and thought that Ian or Lindsay had forgotten something here. Sit. Would you like some tea?" I frantically began throwing things under other things, I'll get to that later and making sure that the house looked semi presentable. Thank god for my inability to leave anything a mess.

"Sure but sit and talk with me. Don't worry about the house," she said taking my hand in hers and walking over to the kitchen.

I threw the kettle on and waited to hear the roar of steam hurling from its top. We talked for hours about everything. Missing Jackson, things I had been doing to get better. Things she was doing to get better. We talked about the ski trip, my jobs, getting back to habits and although I tried my best to hide the black ink that lay across my wrist, she saw the tattoo and loved the idea. We chatted about the family, and how they wanted to see me. We even made a date to see everyone but only on my terms. Before we knew it almost 6 hours had gone by and we both needed to eat.

"Let me order something in, unless you need to go." I grabbed the phoned and walked back to the table.

"You know I probably should go. You are probably tired and need to rest before going back to work tomorrow but it was so good to see you," she said pulling me in for a much needed hug.

"Please don't be a stranger," I managed to whisper out of the tears starting to stream down my face.

"I won't and I'm so glad to see how well you are doing. Jackson would've wanted you to try and get back to normal." We just looked at each other for a minute, both happy to have seen each other but broken from the heart break that seeps in through our visits. Although I wanted to see her, if it is this hard every time I can't bare the pain.

"Let me know about seeing the family," she said as she shut the door behind her. I thought that I had done well as I walked up the stairs and turned the shower on to wash off the day and get ready for the morning.
Part Four:

Depression

See how it feels bad now but it's gonna get better,

See how it feels bad now but it's gonna get better,

See how it feels bad now but it's gonna get better,

Someday...

-Michael Grubbs, "Almost Everything"

I just sat there, in the shower with the lights off and the water pounding my body. I had gotten in and turn the water as hot as I could, hoping I'd feel something, pain, sorrow, anything but nothing happened as the water scalded my body and eventually turned to small icicles but fortunately I didn't feel anything. I couldn't feel anything. I just sat there soaked in water not thinking or feeling. I don't know if it was because I didn't want to or I couldn't. I thought about the mistakes that I had made and the things in my life that I couldn't take back. I wondered if the saying about everything I did lead me to where I was held any truth. If it did then how many things I could have done wrong. I never felt like I had made that many huge mistakes or at least it didn't seem like it at the time. Memories faded into nothing, feelings of any kind really didn't mean much and I wasn't sure what my first move was supposed to be.

Sometimes it hurt to think about things I had done as a child. The first time I thought cheating on a test was okay, although it happens to everyone. I believe that some people just don't change. I hardly cheated on anything for the rest of my life. I mean, I felt so bad that day I turned myself in and my teacher knew but felt so bad for me that she didn't tell my parents and well that worked out.

The first time I had kissed someone I shouldn't and the countless times we kissed after that. Being so young I thought it really wasn't a big deal. Sometimes keeping things a secret is terrible for both parties. No one should be forced to do something they don't want to, even if it's just a secret.

The first time you disappoint your parents, the time you got into a car accident, the boyfriend you knew you shouldn't have had but sometimes it's better to be with someone instead of alone when you're young, those mistakes are followed. The boy you fell for, but he didn't love you back. The man who told you what you wanted to hear just trying to gain something. The time you thought everything was okay but it wasn't.

I thought about the time where a good friend had asked me out, before Jackson and I met, and it wasn't something I was into so I respectfully declined. I always wondered if that was my biggest mistake, he had become extremely successfully and most important was still alive. Maybe if I had said yes to the date my life would've turned out differently and I wouldn't have been in this position. Maybe I would have three kids, living on the farm and not having to work but when I really thought about it, that's not something I ever pictured for myself.

If you sit and thinking, and I mean really think about all of the important and insignificant things in your life that shaped the person you are told, can you seriously ask yourself if you are enough, sometimes the answer is no.

Sometimes when you look, you realize that there is always someone you are jealous of, someone you wish you could be, some aspect of your life you hate and want to change but can't. When the answer is no that's okay but hard to take and that's when you go numb.

I think it's also important to think about the people closest to you and how you treated them. Did you do your best and they just didn't care? Did you try to take care of them out of love but they pretended to love you and didn't? Did you ever feel like a mat being walked on that no one wants?

I don't know how long I sat there that day, but I do know that it wasn't the first day I had done it. It was more than two weeks and certainly more than twice a day that I would just sit and let the water wash away whatever you want to call this but it never worked. I suppose some people call it anxiety or depression but there were moments of clarity, no matter how fleeting. Sometimes I thought about him, sometimes I thought about me, sometimes I didn't think at all. It was easier on me the times I was able to have a blank mind. I supposed I should've just lay in bed all day and it probably would've achieved the same affect but there was something about the water that was soothing and calming and I didn't care about the money I just needed something.

I had lost count of the weeks and the months it had been since the funeral, it didn't matter and keeping track only hurt more. I had thought about all the brave moments I had, the things I had accomplished since, the house I had moved into and the weeks that were great before this crippling anxiety. Don't get me wrong I went to work in and out every day and these moments came only before and after.

I go into the office and play the perfect role. Sad but not too sad making sure to be happy but not overly happy. I do my work, with that I don't have to pretend because truthfully I've always been good at that. I say hello, listen to stories in the lunch room, even if I don't care. Sometimes I pretend to have someone meeting me for lunch if I really don't feel like being around anyone but that's subsided. I bring fresh flowers because sometimes they're just nice to look at. I politely decline any kind of plans after work with excuses varying from having "fake" plans to not being ready. A couple colleagues thought I should go out on a date, they aren't being spoken too any time soon. Sorry, sometimes life calls for being a bitch and that was one of those times.

Lindsay thought that making a dating profile on a website would be good. Take a wild guess, I didn't. However, it did become a sense of entertainment looking at profiles but I choose not to look at anyone I found attractive because that's just not a good idea. Don't judge me people you know have done the same thing they just don't talk about that being the real reason they're on the dating site. Some people will really do anything for a one night stand. Between that and regular social media it's very easy to pass the time. Reading right now is out of the question. Everything, even most classic literature, has some form of a love story and well they all just blow. They do have this new app that shows you what you've posted on collective social media in years prior. For awhile it was so much fun looking at old pictures and silly messages but when it came to the time where Jackson and I started dating it wasn't so fun, but I kept it because one day I'd be able to look at it and smile.

Sure I could hear the doorbell chime or the phone ring but there wasn't really anything that important. My parents stopped calling once I had convinced them I was fine. I didn't have any siblings so that was easy. Lindsay had given up about a month ago I think, but she had reminded me that if I needed her I could call. Ian would come and go, clean things I just didn't care about and leave food for me to eat, but truth be told if he didn't I don't know if I would've eaten. He didn't bother me and I liked it that way. I knew if I needed him I could call but that would lead to feelings I shouldn't have.

Hang on there, don't go judging me. He's beautiful remember, and sweet and takes amazing care of me but he'll never replace Jackson and I should've never seen him like that, even if only for a moment. Maybe that's why I'm sitting here useless, or maybe not. For whatever the reason is, I haven't brought myself to do anything new in awhile.

The new house is a much better idea. It's smaller and easier for me to handle. I managed to unpack the boxes. Now when I say I unpacked I mean I did a couple boxes and Ian and Lindsay did the rest. I told them I hadn't decided on paint colours, and truthfully I didn't care. Everything I needed to survive was around the rest would come later.

After what seemed like two hours I got out of the shower, blow dried my hair and decided that I would sit around and look at paint colours for the rooms. There were a lot of rooms, things I didn't care about but its Saturday and I needed something meaningless and time consuming plus thanks to technology I didn't even have to leave the house to chose the colours. I promised myself that if I could pick the paint, I'd force myself to leave the house on Sunday to get what I needed. Luckily this week of vacation was booked at the beginning of the year and I can't change it. Whatever, I supposed not having to pretend at work for a week wasn't so bad.

In a week I had manage to do all those things and everything was painted and fresh, thanks to creating a list of projects I kept busy but this is the first time I was happy to be going back to work.

Anxiety came and went over the next few weeks but in began to become unbearable. I started reading about it, thinking maybe there was something I could do to kick myself out of it but I couldn't. One day I decided not to go to work. I couldn't call in because I didn't want to have to explain myself but I sent a text. Unfortunately my boss knew Ian and I'm sure that had something to do with him setting up an emergency plan but I haven't been able to think about him conspiring against me. I sat, once again, on the bottom of the shower floor and turned the water on. It began as it always had, scalding on my body and I eventually settled into the heat. I let my mind wander until it had cleared and I just sat. I'm sure I heard to the doorbell but who cares, they'll go away. I just wanted to feel the water rolling onto my skin and the soothing sound it made hitting the shower floor. I closed my eyes and let myself succumb to the warmth. Before I knew what was happening a towel had been wrapped around me and I was in my room, struggling to breathe. I must have fallen asleep, as I had before but this time Ian had decided to break in. I mean he didn't break in he had a key but I don't even remember him carrying me to my room. I opened my eyes again only to find him throwing a shirt and pants at me,

"Put these on and get your ass downstairs," he said gruffly, stomping his way downstairs without ever looking at me.

I hurried to get dressed and ran down before he could leave.

"Anna, I'm done. I've been waiting to talk to you for months now. Hell I offered to help paint, you had a week off and I didn't get as much as a text. I'm sick of this. I'm always worried about it and here I figure out what is really going on, you're falling asleep in the shower, skipping work and not talking to anyone, explain yourself or I'm out of here for good." The way he looked at me, I couldn't even begin to explain. I just stared at him because trying to get out everything I felt seemed impossible but it was the only way I could keep him. He seemed more than serious; he seemed hurt, depressed, angry, and sad and a million other things that couldn't be put into words.

"Ian listen...I" stopping for a moment to breathe and think. This was my moment but I was worried that I couldn't do it. He looked like he'd leave if I didn't continue but what was I supposed to say. Nothing seemed right...

"I guess I didn't realise that it had been awhile since Grace showed up. I'm just trying to make this day by day bullshit work."

He took a breather and stepped back, "Anna it's been months. You didn't show up to see the family like you said and you can't really think I'm going to let this go. I bought this complete crap about you writing in a journal and for awhile I thought it was working but I don't buy it anymore, out." He pointed forcefully to the door and I said nothing but followed the direction as there isn't really all that much fight left in me anymore.

Really months? I don't believe it I swear she was just here. I looked down at the date and tried to remember what day she came, but I couldn't. Yep that's a problem.

"Where are we going?" I whispered half knowing I wouldn't actually be getting any answer. He just looked at me, opened my door and shut it as I sat down and buckled my seat belt. Yep just like I thought

We drove for a bit until we came across the place where we all used to run.

"I'm not getting..." I attempted to say but the look that shot at me from across the car was the truest form of the death stare I've ever seen.

"Get your ass out of the car now." He was pissed and I could tell. Part of me cared and part of me didn't really give a shit.

I did as I was told.

"What now, I'm supposed to feel something being here." I muttered.

"We are going to stand here until you cry or scream or something so that I'm not worried you are going to die in that house alone with no one to find you," Odd thing to say but probably not that far from the truth.

I pouted like a five-year-old and stomped far ahead of him as my mind raced and I tried to set one single thought straight. What does that mean, no one would find out. I suppose convincing everyone that I was fine was a double edged sword. They thought I was some super star who had figured out this whole grieving thing but I hadn't and screw them.

My pace began to change and my walk turned into a fierce run. Thoughts racing faster than my feet, no one would care or take the time to see if they hadn't heard from me in awhile. It had been months since I promised to see the family and I hadn't. Work would probably only care because I make them so much money. I don't have a will so that could be a free for all. What the fuck is wrong with me. Why can't I stop, my pace quicken even more to the point where I couldn't breathe. I just kept going because stopping to feel this wasn't going to be happening. If I just kept going I could run away the thoughts and then go back to the in and out. Selfish, yes. Childish, yep. I don't care. No one understands what I go through on a daily basis. I can't handle this anymore, and at that moment my legs collapsed and I hit the grass with more force that I thought I had in me. Tears began rushing down my face and frantically breathing. I began to sob uncontrollably and immediately noticed that Ian was right behind me.

"Can I," he put his arms out and I just rolled into them. I let the tears flow and screamed at the top of my lungs. I don't know if it's a scientific thing but it felt good and I just kept repeating my pattern, until I thought about other people being around.

"There's no one here, the sky is about to open up in a storm you're fine just scream. Get something out, anything out," Ian said holding me close and I couldn't contain myself. Everything was erupting like a thousand-year-old volcano.

I'm alone. That thought is the worst. I began to calm down slowly, taking deeper and deeper breaths. Focusing on what was happening around me. The silence, for the first time in a long time felt good. It felt comforting but maybe that was Ian. I wasn't sure. It didn't really matter all that much.

"I can't believe it's been months since Grace was there," I managed to stutter out.

"Anna, it's been three months. You don't call or check in. The only reason I know your alive is when I come to drop off food the old containers are generally empty."

Yep, he was right. Damn.

"Three months? Why didn't she call or what the hell?" I was so confused and unsure of what was happening in my life. I tried to think of what happened in the last three months but nothing was coming to me. I began to panic and start to have what seemed to be a panic attack.

"Anna, calm down. You're fine." He continued stroke my back and the air slowly returned to me.

"She did call, didn't she?" Tears began slowly trickling.

"Yes she did, a lot. So have I, so has Lindsay, so have you're parents,"

"No I've been home. I would've noticed." I think

"You've been at work where they screen your calls and your assistant hangs on your every word. Then you go to the gym, I'm pretty sure as the only reason you justify sitting in that shower for hours. At some point you eat and that's it."

I sat up and thought hard about it.

"If you go home I bet you have a thousand missed calls, probably a hell of a lot of mail, when's the last time you got that?"

Damn that thing has to be full, I thought. Put that on the "to do" list.

"I thought making that bucket list was making you get out of the house so it had to be a good thing but after we all went skiing and you stopped trying to knock things off that list, it got worse."

Yes it had, apparently worse than I even thought.

"I'm just, I...I FUCKING HATE THIS" I screamed one last time and pathetic fallacy came in as the skies opened with a vengeance and rain came down at a rate like I'd never seen before.

I stood up and let the rain pour down on me closing my eyes and taking it all in. Letting every emotion I had refused to feel in months pour out of me and Ian said nothing.

We didn't move and quickly became drenched. It was something. I felt something.

My eyes opened just for a moment, "I need to stop this but I don't know how. I've let go of everything and everyone important, I've become a hermit and it's not good."

Ian looked over, "No it's not good."

"How am I even going to begin to fix this?" I asked, thinking it was going to be damn near impossible.

Ian took my hand, pulled me close and kissed the top of my head as my eyes closed and I sunk into the moment. I definitely felt that. He grabbed my chin and tilted my head up, "One day at a time, with me and whoever else you want by your side."
Part Five:

Acceptance

And then you open up your eyes

and you don't feel lonely

-Michael Grubbs, "Almost Everything"

At what point do you stop and remember things that you used to do are okay. That the person you worked so hard to become can still thrive with glimpses of who you used to be. That balance works, things don't change and sometimes it's okay to go and have fun. That being said scared never got anyone anywhere, however it's okay to have those feelings as long as you keep them in check. Being scared reminds you that boundaries exist and you should always listen to your gut on that but on other things you should relax have fun and remember that good still does live in this world. It's hard to realize that when our culture is always tuned into news networks. No one ever reports on the good acts and deeds that happen every day but solely focus on a select few who chose to create chaos in the name of their beliefs. Everyone has the right to their beliefs, but no one has the right to enforce them upon others especially in a harmful way. In a culture like this, those susceptible to anxiety and its family can forget the good people, the good things, the fun moments and focus on the scary, the evil, and the minority. When those lines cross you are at a standstill trying to remember who you were and who you've become. Do you choose to do something about their fears or succumb to them and be locked in a state of terror. I say this like it's easy, I know you think it might be, but don't judge the people it's hard for. Things might not be easy, it can be rough and ugly but on occasion the good triumphs over evil, the light shine brighter than the darkness, the hero finally wins and it's a beautiful moment.

I think about that day in the rain often, it was the first time I'd felt anything in well over a year. It's been five months since that day and every one of those days has been a little bit better. I went home and checked my 120 phone calls, my mail box that was so full the post office just started holding my things. I called Grace and apologized, making a date for the next weekend, which I kept. I went out more, I ran more, I ate more, I slept more and with each moment I think I got a little bit better. Ian, Lindsay and I did more things and I'm about ready to start that crazy list I wrote over again. Hopefully finishing everything and starting a new one. I occasionally write in the journal and it feels good. I did start therapy and that helps more than I thought. Note to self I was in desperate need. She helped me see that I wasn't so good after all.

It's always interesting when you have to change your reality. When you have been living the same way with the same set of rules internally for years and didn't think that things needed to change. When you're a child you know right from wrong. When you're a young adult those lines become blurred. When you're a teenager you toy with the line and see what your best fit is but what if you never change those rules or beliefs or guidelines when you become an adult. What if everything you believed in at 16 is the same as 25 or 30. What happens? Change is hard and shitty. No one said oh my god I love change. Things should always be different. But comfort zones are made, boundaries placed, judgments formed and stubbornness born. What happens when things change, you don't and the impasse is impossible? Changing and adapting is easier as a child but once you become set in your routine and having things the way you want it. It becomes almost impossible to change because you're resistant. So what then. You just reject things, make compromises but are they really compromises if it's just something new you have to adjust to. These changes can be anything from big to small, life changing to insignificant, reasonable to unimaginable. Things change, people change, situations change but are you going to be the one standing on the sidelines watching life and the things you love most in this world move flying past or are you going to step into something different. It's going to be difficult don't get me wrong but it could also be the best thing you've ever done. Things could be amazing, better, welcome but you never know if you don't stop making excuses. Don't get me wrong I'm not saying if you want to change a whole aspect of your life go all in. It's okay to make small changes. What about attempting to reject the social norm of "right now" or immediate gratification or inevitable disappointment. Here's something to think about, it's not constantly about you. People are busy with work, their lives, and other things and sometimes it's okay to wait for the phone call or the text message. Sometimes, in fact, it's worth it. It can result in that perfect day, that relievable moment, that unforgettable idea that changes something. Sometimes it's okay to be impatient as long as that doesn't turn into impossible. Sometimes it's okay to go with the flow, to let things be, to just live in that moment where nothing else in the world matters. Sometimes it's okay to be alone, to feel sad, to want to change your whole life, to be ecstatic as long as you feel the emotions. If someone cares about you, or you care about yourself, you will remember that it's not about you. It's not something you did that you aren't getting the text back 30 seconds from when you sent it. It's not something you did that your phone call was not returned. It's not always about you. Taking small steps to change is a great thing, it's a human thing that most of us don't do. There is a difference between changing for you and changing for someone else. There's a distinction to be made between being upset you didn't get the message and watching that person answer work messages. Sometimes work comes first and that's okay. Are you going to be that person that allows that understanding in your life, inevitably accepting that other person for that or are you going to be upset that they don't message you like that. Sometimes you get to be upset for a moment and then realistic. Ask yourself; is what I sent that important? Do I really need an immediate answer? Am I being unreasonable or rationale? Can I live without that message or can I live without that person? What are your answers?

Are they reasonable in themselves? Can you really expect to place expectations on others that you don't have on yourself? Asking something more than you can give sets you up for failure. That becomes an unending circle of disappointment that you create for yourself. Is that fair? No, is it what happens more often than not, yes. Can you change this? Yes. See how it all goes back to that whole damn change word. Look at your options and be reasonable and unreasonable. Be willing to compromise and be selfish. Ask for what you want but expect that answer may not be possible. I could have stayed in that state I was in when Jackson died. In fact I wanted to. I wanted to die, what was the point. Someone gave me that "it's not always about you" advice at a time when I could handle it and it has stuck with me through my life. Has it been easy to remember, hell no. It has been easier than the alternative sometimes. Actually, since we are being truthful, sometimes I am terrible at it. My "girliness" gets in the way of being rationale. Sometimes I get upset for no real reason, sometimes I create scenarios in my head that don't actually exist that are bigger than reality. Sometimes I allow myself to be worked up over one thing when that's really not the problem. Then there are moments when I remember that advice and I stop and make myself answer those questions and things change, perspectives flip, ideas are adjusted, wants modified and all of a sudden that gut feeling is gone. That thought that things had changed on you, before you wanted them too is gone. We all have that rationale thing it just hides or can be a bitch sometimes. What if I would've let myself die, like I wanted too? How would that have affected everything and everyone around me? I didn't care because I wasn't thinking about anything but me. I was selfish, inconsiderate, childish, moronic and most importantly wrong. Guess what, humans make mistakes, adults screw up royally, things come and go in your life and it's your attitude towards just letting it happen instead of controlling the situations that determines how much change you can make in your life.

Therapy has taught me that and much more. I've been working at a new firm, nothing against the old I just needed to change my mindset that work isn't everything and I needed a bit of a slower pace. I like it there and it's nice that not everyone knows what happened in my life. I've made some new friends, which was tough. I went out on an actual date, yep epic fail but hey I went. I talk to my parents and Grace more often than I used to and I visit Jackson's grave. Yes you read that right. I don't hear him like I used to but I can feel him there. I know now that he would want this for me. Things are coming around.

Lindsay found someone and they moved in together which for some reason affected me. I do not wish anyone the heartbreak and suffering I've endured and still do, just in a different way. I can't help but worry for her and it's something that I'm never going to get used to. I like him a lot and they're good together and I'm sure I'll be attending a wedding sooner than later. It's nice to see her so happy and to have someone to take care of her.

That's what I miss the most. Ian is always there for me but he has his work and other friends and a life that takes up his time. My parents are there for me and Grace is too but it's not the same as having someone to love you unconditionally, to be there for you, to make you laugh and be with you when you need to cry. I hope maybe one day I'll be able to welcome that into my life but as of right now I'm okay.

When I stop and thinking about how much has happened in my life, I become overwhelmed. I've lived through hell and back and still haven't hit 30. Sometimes I think about going back to school and doing something where I can help others who have gone through a tragedy but I do love my job and maybe I could just help someone by being my Lindsay and Ian. Forcing them out of their shell, helping them get help and just being there, you never know what life will toss your way. I think that someday this will be a smaller, less painful memory but it will always be a scar left on my arm for everyone to see. Sure it fades, becomes smaller with time, it's less noticeable but always there. Something to talk about when people notice it but reprieve will one day come.

I started reading more; things I actually enjoy not stuff on my list. It's helped and so has listening to new music, broadening my horizons. I've gone back to the place where it happened, where my life changed forever. I've gone back to the gym and the dock and all the places I swore I'd never return to because I was told I had to. Let me tell you that first time was rough but I've learned to let the emotions lead and it became okay and a little easier each time I went back. I don't visit the accident site often but the others I do and it's good. I think it's important for me to remember that it happened in my life and try not to forget and distance myself from everything. I lived it, it was horrible but it's something that happened and I have to learn from it not fear it.

I've changed and grown a lot and there's so much to tell but I think you get the picture. Something horrible can happen and almost everything in your life can be shattered but something good can come out of it after time. Whoever came up with time heals all wounds didn't lie, no matter how much we all hate that saying. It's true. Sorry, I went a little cliché there for a moment but it's about to continue.

I just want to share some things I think are important and that is to remember to be calm and mindful, be self reflective and adaptive. Be able to control yourself in a way that you want and try to relinquish that control when it comes to someone else. For all of you wondering if Ian and I will get together. I don't know. Sorry, probably not what you wanted to hear. I know it's annoying but I don't think that's the point. I think the point is to be okay with you and let life happen. Be willing to change, be someone worth fighting for and fight for yourself ever day. Fight for the things you want, things you believe in and things that will compliment your life, not be disruptive. Let opportunity, grace, satisfaction, triumph, sorrow, heart break, change and most importantly allow love in. Whether that is love for yourself, your family, your friend, or a significant other. Be open to it, welcome it in. Sometimes it can change your life.

