Crab ninja.
Oh, my god, look at that
actual technique, dude.
Look at that.
Are you fucking serious?
Hi, I'm Andy Milonakis.
I like to combine cheap
grocery items with rare
and fancy things
cuz it turns me on.
I'm the fat prince.
Hello this is Andy
Milonakis and welcome to
another episode of Fat
Prince with my real life
friend and chef Michael
Voltaggio from the lovely
Ink set, and Ink,
and he's my friend.
Hi, friend.
Hi, pal.
And later on the lovely
Matthew Gray Gubler
is going to join us
from Criminal Minds.
We're gonna be
cooking up some ill,
Fat Princified dishes, so
what have you got for me?
We're making
lunchable veal Oscar.
Basically, the classic
dish was made for a king,
you're a prince, we're
promoting you today.
Ow.
I am King Crab.
We've got king crab legs,
we've got lunchables.
What is the meat
inside this?
Lean turkey,
white breast meat only.
This is our veal,
like I don't know if
I wanna eat it or
just play with it.
That's what I said
about your dick.
It's served with
Hollandaise sauce and
then you've got
white asparagus.
AKA albino Pygmy dicks.
All right,
let's get cooking.
Tell me what's first, and
I'll be your
little bitch.
The veal part,
you can just-
I'll separate-
Unwrap it and separate
the meat onto the plates.
I'll start making
Hollandaise sauce.
The only thing that's in
here is the reduction of
vinegar, shallots,
tarragon, egg yolks
Oh, tarragon, can I try?
Look, the crab is making
his own Bearnaise
sauce that's going
to go on top of him.
It's very sadistic.
This is like David Lynch.
What you don't wanna
do is scramble
the Hollandaise sauce
when you're making it,
but if that
happens it's okay.
Just add a little bit
of cold water to it.
Takes some fucking
real muscle.
You wanna cook it until
it's like ribbon, so
basically where it
kinda goes back and
forth, you go like that.
Then you start
adding butter to it.
So this is
clarified butter.
And you take that by
taking off the solids.
Just put it on
low heat and
wait until it separates.
All right.
I need you to give me
a slow drizzle.
For drizzle my nizzle.
Golden showers are my
favorite kind of time.
Slow down.
All right.
So
see all the fat
that's separated?
Yeah.
We gotta whisk that
into it.
Now it's getting too
thick so then you take
either the reduction or
the water and just
neutralize the thickness
with it and
thin it out a little.
Let's neutralize
Mark.
Yeah, yeah.
Damn dude,
Bearnaise has a lot of
fucking butter in it.
It's usually two
ounces per egg yolk.
I should have
a sip of this.
Is that good?
Yeah, it's pretty good.
We're not going to
add anymore of that
to the sauce.
Oh because I put
my lips on it?
Season it.
Next I just got to break
a crab real quick.
I wanna get really
inventive right now.
I'm going to crack open
the crab with a dinosaur,
just cuz I think that's
how he woulda wanted
it to be done.
Dude look at that.
This is what's called
the five second rule.
You ever go to the beach
with your grandma?
She's been in the water
for way too long,
like an hour,
you think she might have
drowned to death, but
she runs back at you and
she's like.
Hey, Andy, I'm all right,
I just went for
a long swim.
And then you give
her a nice wet
kiss on the mouth.
That's what this
tastes like, exactly.
Back to the bread.
Back to the grill again,
the grill again.
We'll call
them baguettes,
baguette croutons.
Oh, we're getting so
fancy, dude.
Now you know how
a fat prince works.
We just call things
by their fancy name.
Ooh, they're getting
all toasty and
buttery already.
It's more like brioche,
I think,
not baguettes, brioche.
That's a little too much.
You ever noticed that all
the restaurants today
are putting soils and
crumbles and
all that stuff?
Yeah.
On the dishes,
is like there's
dirt all over
the place
Yeah, yeah.
I think we can
take Pringles and
the brown parts
of the Oreo and
make like a crumble for
the dish.
We got to make
it fancy so.
So this is like a Pringle
and Oreo dirt we'll call
it, cuz that makes
the menu read better.
It's all about.
I like that.
What are we going to do
with the juice boxes and
the Capri Suns and stuff
that came in the package?
Can we reduce it with
the pygmy dicks?
That's not a bad idea.
Kool-Aid seasoning
on the pygmy dicks.
They're turning nice and
pink.
Yeah, that
vinegar element.
We don't over-sweeten it.
You think it's ready?
To be honest,
it's the first time I've
made Kool-Aid
glazed asparagus,
we might have to
just taste it.
Should we taste one?
Yeah.
It's pretty good.
It's like Kool-Aid
asparagus tarsus.
I like how thinly
you sliced it.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
This is one of the best
movies of all time.
Breakfast Club, bitch.
Try the cheese,
maybe that'll work.
Oh, we both got it.
Let's get a little
carmelization
on the meat.
All right-
Oh, okay.
So we've got our turkey.
Crab meat's
the last thing that
we've gotta do.
We're gonna baste
the crab with the butter.
Should we put the meat
down first or
the crab down first?
I would start with this.
I feel like negative
space is big today, so
we'll stick with that.
I should tell girls
that when they make fun
of my dick.
We have a bunch of
crab left over.
We could make some crab
lollipops with that.
Should we go all the way?
Let's go all the way,
baby.
It's the only way to go.
All right.
Elegant.
Yeah, put three or
four pieces of
turkey across each.
Super elegant.
Get the wine pairing out.
Dessert.
This is looking really
sexy now and those big
ass pieces of crab.
Mmm mamma.
Ooh, now it's
looking scandalous.
Mmm mamma.
That looks like a fancy
motherfucking dish.
Let's plate it up in the
seats and let's get ready
for our lovely guest
who's probably hungry.
Andy.
Is it cool if I hang
out here for like,
a couple,
couple of moments?
Okay, this is the portion
of Fat Prince where we
eat the food that
we cooked, and
we're here with our guest
Matthew Grey Gubler.
Thank you for having me,
I'm really excited
to be here.
You wanna describe
this meal?
What you have here
is veal Oscar,
which is traditionally
Hollandaise sauce,
asparagus and
veal meat, with crab.
We recreated that with
the Lunchable meat.
The crab,
the white asparagus which
is actually glazed in
Kool-Aid powder, that
came with the Lunchable.
So this is Kool-Aid
glazed asparagus
with an Oreo and
Pringle crumble,
bearnaise sauce, king
crab and the turkey that
came in the Lunchable,
as your dish.
I'm very excited.
It smells wonderful.
That's fucking
disgusting, by the way.
I apologize for that.
You can rinse it
down with that.
You can chase
with the soy.
Cheers, guys.
Cheers.
Is that butter?
No, it's Parkay!
Parkay!
Mm.
It's actually
pretty good.
What's your favorite part
of this dish, Matthew?
I think the weird
combination of sweet
and fish.
I'm scared of
fish actually.
I usually don't
eat a lot of fish.
Really?
This is marvelous.
You know I've never
opened a Capri Sun
in my life?
Stab it really hard.
You just squirted on me.
I want a girl who can
squirt Capri Sun at me.
Cuz the other
stuff is good, but
I like it to be fruit
flavor, ladies.
So, it's about that time.
I wrote some
questions for
you guys to ask
each other.
Who do you like better?
Kim Jong Un or
Gail Simmons?
I'm like afraid
to answer that.
If you could choose
any food in the world,
what would you eat off
of Tom Colicchio's head?
Probably a piece of
bread or a cracker?
A piece of bread?
Just-
What if it had to be
a food you ate with
a utensil, like a soft
utensil, so you're not
going to cut into his
head or anything, but
you have to actually eat
something that's
cooked out of that.
Can I wear your glasses?
Yeah.
They're really foggy from
butter and grease but
you could just wipe
them off a little bit.
No, I kinda like-
What about fondue?
That's valid.
You just smear it all
around. I can go with
that.
Why is your restaurant
in Ink?
Do you love squid ink?
I have killed an octopus
in the wild, and
you actually have to
grab and bite it's brain.
I'm dead serious,
while it's wrapping
it's arms and
stuff around you,
you have to look at it
between it's eyes and
bite it's brain
until it stops.
That's how I have
sex with girls.
You're basically telling
me you're the Predator.
That was it.
Bite his brain!
Bite his brain!
Do it!
Ooh.
This might cut a little
close to the bone.
Do you make fun of
your brother for
beating him on top chef?
I try not to make fun of
my brother for anything.
Who's more handsome,
him or you?
I am.
Andy is such a little
baby, he's only eaten
ink sack so far and not
at the main restaurant.
Can I take Andy on
a man date there?
I'll pay extra if he
is rude to a customer.
I like how it says
I'll pay extra.
I'll pay extra if he is
rude to the customers or
shows up in flip flops.
And I promise this.
Yes, that's okay.
Sick.
Mathew, you were
born in Vegas.
I was born in Las Vegas.
The cliche phrase is what
happens in Vegas stays
in Vegas.
Since your birth happened
there why didn't you just
stay there.
I'm miked in, sorry.
I love Las Vegas.
I do live there actually.
I work here
primarily though.
When I'm not working,
I'm in Las Vegas.
My friend Andy here
has started writing
a biography for you
called 50 Shades of Grey.
Oh.
Will you co-sign it?
Of course I would
co-sign it.
Are you kidding me?
Has anyone made that joke
to you already?
No, honestly nobody has.
I mean that.
It sounded sarcastic when
I said it, but I mean it.
You were in Life Aquatic,
can you tell us
a Bill Murray story or
at least tell us what
he likes to eat.
We would go to
restaurants and
he would stay after.
He would help bus
the tables and
by the end of the night
the waiters and
the restaurant owners
were so grateful.
One time I remember the
owner of this restaurant,
this little
place in Rome,
took a mandolin
off the wall and
presented it to him as
a gift to thank him for
being such a great guest.
He's like the nicest guy.
They didn't give
you anything?
No.
That's it.
That's it.
That's it.
That was great.
This was honestly
fantastic.
Yeah, I liked it.
Good job, man.
It's team work.
Team work doesn't
seem work.
Alright so I mean we
could either end the show
or we could break
more shit or-
Let's break something.
We can't break
these dishes,
that's the only
thing I promised.
Why don't you
break a crab leg?
Yeah, buddy.
Now eat some.
Mm, that's how we do it.
A little bit toast on
it but it tastes good.
That was so good, man.
It was great.
Thanks for coming over.
Thanks for
having me, guys.
Yeah
Three way high five.
Imagine being in
middle school and
just like being in class
and not paying attention
to the teacher and just
like thinking about man,
school's fucking hard.
It's really rough, and
then just imagine closing
your eyes and waking up
like years and years
later to doing this and
you're actually
getting paid for it.
Imagine it.
It's my reality baby.
