- Now they're all booing.
Now it's unanimous.
It's the loudest thing
I'd ever heard.
It was...
"Boo!
Boo!"
 [percussive music]
 ♪ 
- [screaming]
 [dark electronic music]
 ♪ 
[crashing]
[all screaming]
 ♪ 
[screaming]
 ♪ 
- [growling]
 ♪ 
[cheers and applause]
- One of the best comics
of all time--
I'm super stoked
he's on the show--
please give it up for
Mr. Brian Regan, everybody.
Let him hear it.
 [cheers and applause]
- Years ago I was a campaign
manager for a dog.
[laughter]
I'm not lying.
I was a campaign manager
for a dog.
I'm not making this up.
You guys know...
remember Bud Light
had Spuds MacKenzie?
crowd: Yeah.
- Yeah?
Well, I wasn't qualified
to be his campaign manager,
but I was the campaign manager
for Alex the Dog
from the Stroh's beer
commercials.
Now, Stroh's beer used to be
one of the most popular beers
in the country.
And then I got involved.
The Stroh's ads,
they would have--
Alex would go get beers
for his owner,
and everybody loved the ad,
so they thought,
"Let's capitalize on this.
Let's have him run for
president of the United States."
So...yeah.
So Alex can't talk
'cause he's a dog,
so they thought, "Let's get,
like, a funny campaign manager,"
and that's where
I failed miserably.
[laughter]
And what they would do is,
they wanted us to go around
to different cities,
and we had to do, like,
six, seven, eight events a day
with this dog,
and I had to do
this campaign speech
to get this dog elected.
I'm not exaggerating
when I say that
every single one of these events
was worse than any hell gig
I've ever done before or since.
And I had like, eight a day.
We would have do radio stations.
We wouldn't bring Alex,
'cause he's a dog...
[laughter]
And can't talk.
And we'd show up and they'd go,
"Where's Alex?"
And I'm like, "Well,
I don't know if they told you,
"but Alex is a dog.
He ain't got no vocal cords
or nothing."
I don't know if that's true,
but...
[laughter]
He can't talk.
And then--
I said, "I'm Brian.
I'm his campaign manager.
I'm gonna do all the talking."
They go, "Oh!"
I'm like, "Damn."
We go into the studio,
and they would have a microphone
on the floor,
with a bowl of water,
and they would say,
"We were hoping
we'd get him to bark
into the microphone."
And I'm like, I gotta get
a manager or something
'cause I'm getting upstaged
by a dog that ain't here.
We would have to go malls,
supermarkets, and I had to,
like, try to get the dog
elected, and...
[laughs]
I would say,
"Man, he's a great dog.
"You really--
look at him, man.
"You should vote for him.
He's got great ideas."
And the handler for the dog
would sometimes just say,
"Alex needs a break,"
and he'd just tug on his leash
and he'd just leave
for like,
20 minutes to a half an hour.
I needed a guy with a leash
tugging on me,
"Brian needs a break."
I was getting no breaks.
So I would tell
the Stroh's people,
"What do you want me to do
while Alex is gone?"
And they would say, "Well, just
do the campaign speech anyway."
And I'm like,
"There's no dog here."
[laughter]
They say, "Do it anyway."
So as people are walking by,
I'd go,
"Man, he's a fantastic dog.
You really got to hear
his ideas."
People are looking, going,
"What--what is this guy
talking about?
"There's no dog.
Somebody should get
a straightjacket for this guy."
It was horrible.
Every--
I was having nightmares
at night.
I was literally
having nightmares.
I would wake up
in the middle of the night
go, "Aah! Aah!
Oh...oh."
And then I didn't know
whether it was better to go
back to sleep or to stay awake,
because both of them were
hell on Earth.
It ended up--
we were in Minneapolis.
This is true.
I get in the car in the morning
and they said,
"All right, here's the deal,
Brian.
"You're gonna bomb
in the morning on the radio,
"and then you're gonna bomb
at the supermarket,
"then you're gonna bomb
on local TV,
"then you're gonna bomb
at a pub,
"and then tonight we're going
to an NHL hockey game.
"It's between
the Minnesota North Stars
against the Chicago Blackhawks."
And I said, "Great.
So when we're done,
we get to, like,
enjoy a hockey game?"
And he said,
"We're not gonna be done.
"You're gonna go on center ice
between second and third period,
"and you're gonna
do the campaign speech
to get this dog elected."
Now, at this point,
we were in the car
going about 60 miles an hour.
If I'd been smart,
I would have opened the door
and just taken my chances
with the roadside gravel.
We get to the hockey arena
that night.
My heart is pounding.
I'm from Miami, Florida.
I've never been
to a hockey match.
I'd never seen ice.
[laughter]
I don't want to do this.
I don't want anything to do
with this.
During second period,
there's a fight, an NHL fight.
Gloves off, blood,
teeth all over the place,
and I'm thinking,
"Wow, this is cool.
I've never seen a hockey fight."
And then I went,
"Wait.
I have to follow
a hockey fight."
[laughter]
Buzzer ended.
Stroh's people came up and said,
"We're gonna do something
"a little different, Brian.
"What we're gonna do is we're
gonna put Alex on the Zamboni,
"and we're gonna
drive him around
and just let him circle around
the arena on the Zamboni."
I said, "Fantastic.
So you don't need me."
They said,
"Oh, no.
"You're still going out
there to center ice
"to do the campaign speech,
but we thought
it would be nice if Alex"...
[laughter]
"Is circling you
on the Zamboni."
I'm like, "Can't you think of
any more obstacles?
"Why don't we get an NHL guy
to fire some slapshots at me?"
So they get on the voice of God.
"Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome
from the Stroh's beer
commercials, Alex the Dog."
And the Zamboni comes out.
Alex is, like, confused.
[laughter]
He's sitting next to the driver.
The crowd is going berserk.
They just saw a hockey fight.
Now they're seeing a dog
on a Zamboni.
[laughter]
They're plenty entertained.
They don't need to see
what is about to happen.
[laughter]
"And now please welcome
the campaign manager:
Brian Regan."
They don't explain
that I'm his campaign manager.
They don't say
he's running for president.
There's no context whatsoever.
Just, "Please welcome
the campaign manager:
Brian Regan."
So I walk out.
I'd never been on ice,
so I don't want to go fast.
I'm just walking slow
to 12,000 people going,
"Who the hell is this guy?"
I slowly walk out to center ice
and I'm thinking,
who--who am I?
Wh--why am I--
and I'm looking around,
I'm seeing just Alex going by
on the Zamboni.
And I keep turning
the opposite direction
and I just keep seeing him.
And I'm like,
"What happened to me and my life
"that I'm here now?
What choices have I made
to be here now?"
12,000 completely confused
people.
I'm not smart enough to reset
and go, "Hey, he didn't tell you
Alex is running for pre"--
I don't say nothing.
I just go, "Hey, how about
that election, huh?"
[laughter]
12,000,
"Huh?
What's this guy talking about?"
And I said, "You know,
a lot of people think
this election
is going to the dogs."
[laughter]
"We might as well vote for
somebody who's qualified."
People start booing.
I start hearing this low,
"Boo.
Boo."
And I'm like,
"What the hell is going on?"
And I just keep turning around,
and everywhere I look
I just see round lips.
"Boo.
Boo."
I see Alex going by,
"What the heck's going on?"
"Boo."
So I figure, "Well, maybe I'll
get them with the next joke.
"Bush and Dukakis.
"Dukakis, that sounds like
something Alex might do
in a bush."
[laughter]
Now they're all booing.
[laughter]
Now it's unanimous.
It's the loudest thing
I'd ever heard.
It was louder
than any jet engine.
It was...
"Boo!
Boo!"
And I--and I just--I thought,
"Well, it's not smart
"to face the boos.
I'll turn around,"
like over here it's gonna be
people throwing roses.
[laughter]
Over here, "Boo!"
Everywhere, round lips.
Kids, "Boo!"
Little old ladies, "Boo!"
The Zamboni driver was booing.
[laughter]
Alex was booing.
"Boo!"
So I'm thinking, "This ain't
doing nobody no good."
I said, "Well...
you guys have been great!"
[laughter]
"I'm gonna get out of here.
"I just wanted to come out
and have a good time
with you, so good day!"
"Boo!"
With all the circling,
I couldn't remember
what direction I had come from,
so I'm just walking going,
"I don't think
this is the right way."
[laughter]
"Boo!"
And I see this guy
with a security vest going...
So I have to turn.
"Boo!
Boo!"
And from the fight there were
blood and teeth all over.
I had to move--
I didn't want to go fast,
'cause I didn't want this
to be the end.
And I look at the exit
and it's this little square
rectangle and it looks like
it's a million miles away,
and the closer I get,
the smaller the rectangle gets.
It's, like,
mathematically impossible.
So I realized with the boos,
I didn't even need to walk.
"Boo!"
All I had to do was stop,
and the force of the boos
was push--it was like
a boo sailboat.
I just put my arms out.
"Boo!"
And it literally pushed me
through the little hole,
and the next day,
Stroh's filed for bankruptcy.
[laughter]
You guys are great, man.
Thank you.
