

CHAMPAGNE HURRICANE

Tam Sturgeon

Never Forever Trilogy Book 1

Published by Tam Sturgeon at Smashwords

Copyright © 2019 Tam Sturgeon

All rights reserved.

This novel is entirely a work of fiction. The names, characters and incidents portrayed within it are

the work of the author's imagination. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or deceased, or any events mentioned is entirely coincidental.

This book is sold subject to the condition that it shall not, by way of trade or otherwise,

be lent, resold, hired out, or otherwise circulated without the publisher's prior consent

in any form of binding or cover other than that in which it is published and without a similar condition, including this condition, being imposed on the subsequent purchaser

Tam Sturgeon asserts the moral right to

be identified as the author of this work.

Cover imagery courtesy of the author.

Cover design by Iam.aProduct.sellMe.

Copyright Iam.aProduct.sellMe 2019

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~

To CK, miss you in a heartbeat, see you in my dreams x

~

CHAMPAGNE HURRICANE

**Part 1**

A World of Dreams

Cruising around the car park of the luxury apartments where she lived, I knew Shay's car would stick out like a saw thumb. His new, shiny, red Merc acted the perfect beacon. I'd also known what I was going to do when I pulled up behind it, slammed down the side-stand and got off my old Triumph Bonnie. Switching her off, I removed my lid and sat it on the saddle, wedging it in place.

Leaving my kid leather gloves on, I knew I'd be in need of a good grip when it came to my swing. I pulled the zip down on my patrol jacket then removed my hidden hiker from within. His well-balanced aluminium baseball bat had no real weight to it as I walked round to face the front of his car.

Climbing up onto the bonnet, I stepped up and onto the roof before shouting his name at the classy balconies above me. I then waited till the count of ten. When I had no sign of life or a reply of any sort, I swung, straight down, against the ridiculously expensive windscreen. The alarm screaming into life, and all hell breaking loose, probably had a lot to do with me repeatedly jumping up and down, leaving him with a lowered roof he never ordered.

'SHAY, you two-timing testicle on legs ... I KNOW YOU'RE UP THERE SOMEWHERE,' I screamed. Again I waited, and again I counted.

Still no answer? Wiping tears from my face with the back of my hand, I paused once more, before jumping down to stand to the front of it again. The passenger side headlight became a shower of tiny crystals as the bat came into contact with the fragile casing. And so, on it carried, the rear lights next, and then the lovely shiny bonnet.

Three side windows down, one to go. It's the way they sort of popped as the bat bounced against them. I liked that bit. All credit due, it took a couple of attempts before they finally exploded.

I'd been on the verge of taking a swing at the driver's window, when he'd appeared, out of breath and nearly dressed. His face was a collision of emotions, as I recall. I was, by then, panting and grinning at him from under lowered brows, my lips pulled back over my teeth in a demented sort of grin.

He was very quiet as he rubbed his hands over his face, his eyes never leaving his remodelled Merc.

'Adios, you selfish son-of-a-bitch ... Because, if this is it, if this is the best of us ... I'll let HER have the rest of you ...'

I shouted that three letter word at him, my feelings for him dissolving as the door of my heart slammed shut on his arse. Throwing the bat at him I smirked at his sudden vulnerability, and then calmly walked back to the Bonnie. Within the week, all his belongings had been delivered to her address, and I'd started to file for a divorce.

Our first real encounter with each other was when he'd come across me skinny dipping in a huge indoor pool, lights on below me, all alone, and as pissed as a fart. He laughed about me being naked and my clothes being left on the side. Wasn't I worried some rotten bast'd would steal them? Like I was going to get all upset and scared about that. I said I didn't care.

In fact, I'd walked from the pool and strolled straight passed him to get dressed. My only form of cover had been the big, pissed, smile on my dripping face. He'd found that highly amusing, a crazy, naked, pissed chick with some balls. It aroused his curiosity immediately.

The next morning I was surprised, to say the least, to see him, there, beside me, asleep, under the full size snooker table, with an ivory Damask tablecloth acting as our only form of modest cover. I had to split early, so I kissed the tribal tattoo on his shoulder, had a flash peek under said tablecloth at the nicely naked form, then memorised said features, before I made my exit.

All day long I'd had fabulous flashbacks of some of the most incredible sex I'd ever experienced, and my body had tingled as the visions lit up my face.

He tracked me down in less than a day. Becks, my lecture buddy, eventually caved, giving him my home address, and so he knocked on my door that evening. We sat and talked about his childhood, his wonderful-crazy Irish family, and his love of photography. He had eight brothers and sisters, most of whom had moved back to Southern Ireland since leaving Uni and College. His Mam and Dah had been born in Blighty, but had gone back after they took early retirement.

We shared a nice evening, a few drinks, and our friendship started to blossom. We found we enjoyed each other's company immensely. I hadn't really had that many relationships, the few I'd endured hadn't lasted long, and a year was unthinkable.

It was the incredible sex life we achieved that made me fall in love for the first time in my life. Really, he, eventually, taught me everything I know about shagging, what I want from it, and how to give as much as I got. He'd been a willing teacher too, and hadn't minded the extra curriculum activity. In fact, he'd welcomed it, and with open arms and a dirty grin.

The year after we left Uni, we moved in together and started to live as a couple. The sex got better, and the love and friendship grew as we started building a life. He was working for a holiday brochure company back then, flying off on a regular basis to take photos of hotels and attractions.

Whilst he did that, I was designing greeting cards for a local company and writing in my spare time. Our lives were panning out nicely, the first five years together were amazing, and we'd always manage something crazy for our Anniversary.

We jetted off to Paris the first year. Shay was doing a shoot for a woman's magazine, fashion for over 50's. The second year was spent in Amsterdam, shitfaced in one of the Bulldogs. The third year, well, that was a year to remember, indeed.

He'd been sent on an assignment to Los Vegas and I just had to go, didn't I. The job was done in the day and we partied all night. The suite had a fabulous view down The Strip, and the lights at night had me as dazzled as a child at Christmas. The three weeks out there were a trip of a lifetime, and in so many ways.

The one thing that everybody thought wouldn't happen, did. We got really pissed one night and decided to get married in The Chapel of Love. Actually, Elvis married us, and Marilyn Monroe and Buddy Holly were our witnesses, who then went on to throw rice over us as we left. Our Honeymoon was a week in the Grand Canyon, camping and screwing under the stars, and then a week of bliss and partying in New York.

Leaving London behind, we bought the house in Stockenchurch, Buckinghamshire, and started to set down some roots. I met Gee, from across the road, when I saw his Triumph Thunderbird parked outside his house. We gelled straight away. He'd handed me a joint, smiled under his sunglasses, red-eye glinting over the top, and the bond was forged.

For five years, five fabulous years, we had uninterrupted joy and happiness. In fact, right up till the day my Pops died. Everything changed after that. I became lost in my work. I grieved, cried and drank while Shay was away in Japan, or Dubai, or Mexico. When I was burying my Pops, he was in Milan. When I was in need of his support, he was in Singapore. When I woke, crying for him in the night, he'd been a thousand miles away.

When he did come home, I was usually pissed-up and we'd argue the love right out of ourselves. He'd steam off out, and I'd drink more. We were slowly destroying what had taken us so long to build and, so, the divide just kept right on growing. He'd wanted to help, but couldn't, and when I'd needed him there, he wasn't.

Within months I knew something was wrong. His behaviour changed and I started to notice little things, odd things. At first I put it down to me working too hard, drinking too much and not sleeping enough. Work had been getting me down for a while, and I'd been missing my Pops to the point of breaking. And still that nagging in my brain.

I started to get inquisitive, so much so, I put a Private Investigator on his arse for two weeks. The guys report made very interesting reading. Seems it had been going on for a fare few months, him and his _fuck-buddy_. Wouldn't you know, it turned out to be a bloody make-up artist. They'd known each other for a while. I'd even met her, on several occasions, at his studio.

It dawned on me then, how all of a sudden it was, '... I'm gonna have to work through the night ... If I don't hit this deadline I'll lose the front cover ... Sorry, darlin ... I'll make it up to ya, I promise.'

The lying wanker, and how slow was I?

At the bottom of the paperwork, in an untidy scrawl, Carlos Pugman P.I. had noted her new address so, I thought, maybe I should pay them a little visit?

I rode over there at killer speeds with a vivid array of thoughts spider-webbing themselves through my mind. All those things that had made us so strong, all that hard work, suddenly they'd become someone else's joy. I'd had my lover and soul-mate stolen from me, and I hadn't done a damn thing to stop it. My sorrow welled up in me as I remembered all the tear stained nights spent needing him with me. By the time I got there, my sadness had morphed into bitter tears of anger.

So, back to the start we go. Life is, always, a full circle which is, in itself, full of smaller ones. It can take a mere moment, or an entire lifetime, for them to run and you'll even lose count of the amount of times you do it, as around and around you go yet again. Sometimes, life isn't about the rules but the way you play the game, plus with whom you choose to play it. Remember his name too, my friend, because we'll meet him again.

And that, Ladies and Gentlemen, was my time with Shay Blane, internationally renowned Photographer, loaded Playboy, and my cheating ex-husband.

Three years later

The vision was still vivid behind my closed eyes, as I drearily spoke into the darkness and the digiphone.

'Yeah ... Tee ... What ...?' spat my disappointed voice.

'... Urh, it's me ... I can't find him,' came the male voice. It was Joey.

The silence hung in folds as I slowly opened them.

'What do you mean you can't find him? How can ya lose him? He's six foot tall, has shoulder length curly hair and looks like a famous bloke. So, I ask again ... What d'ya mean you can't bloody find him.' I paused. 'He isn't hard to miss, Joey ... Try harder ...'

It was difficult remaining calm as a trail of very bad images skipped through my suddenly alert mind.

'Chill out, Tee, before ya have a vapour lock or somethin ...'

'Don't tell me to chill out, you dick ... Now, find him ... Please ...'

So, there I was, stranded in Buckinghamshire with Max AWOL in London, somewhere, probably doing something he shouldn't be doing. Splendid, my heart sank.

Suddenly, I knew the exact turn my appalling night was about to take. Poor Brian Martyn, from the boys management company, rang soon after looking for Max too, as I knew he would. All I could tell him was what Stevie had said when I'd rung him earlier regarding the missing Romeo.

At 4:05 a.m. the digiphone bleeped me awake, again. I sat up in bed and voice commanded it to answer. It was Craig Taylor. He was going ballistic because of what had happened in L.A and I could see his reason for concern. I tried to calm him down.

'Craig, please ... Shouting at me, at some God awful time in the morning, is not going to help you, me, or this shite situation, is it? I've more reason to be pissed, let's face it ... But I'm not there, am I, I'm here ... So, what do you want me to do about it? ... Nip into London, quickly, and trawl it looking for him?'

'... Why? Why does he never learn? Is he always going to be such a penis? I'm starting to wonder, Tee ...'

I could hear him clicking his biro repeatedly, a sure sign he wasn't very happy.

'He's pissed ... What can I say? You've known him longer than me, Craig, and you know what he's like when he goes on a bender ...'

'But, Tee ... If he's snorting again ...' He trailed off and fell silent.

'Well, then ... We'll have to cope with it, won't we, as and when, like I usually do ...' I inwardly laughed to myself and shook my head in disappointment. 'We'll find him, don't worry,' I sighed loudly.

'How do you put up with it?' His voice suddenly held a tinge of sympathy. 'I can't help but feel this'll all end in tears ... And I really hope they're not yours ... This time ...'

I already knew Joey had Max's phone, so no point trying to ring him. Joey had told me he'd given it to him as they'd walked back to the bar. Max was going to try to get rid of _the problem_. Apparently, he hadn't wanted it to get broken, should they fancy starting a sparring match, so he'd passed it over as the pair of them parted.

I think it was about 4:47 a.m. when Stevie rang to see if I'd heard. I sighed with relief as he spoke. Max had turned up at their hotel, pissed and stoned out of his tiny mind, alone. Joey had caught him before he'd passed out, face down, in the foyer. Max was pretty messed up by all accounts. I remember thinking to myself, ' _Oh, shit, here we go again_!'

Stevie and Joey had dragged him to his room, as usual. He'd taken a swing at Joey, probably thinking he was still in the fight, had fallen onto the bed, then slurred my name several times, before passing out, still dressed. The boys left him there not wanting anymore crap than they'd already dealt with. Who could blame them; the act of forgiveness is a wonderful thing, isn't it?

After talking with, and thanking, Stevie for his good news, I rang poor Craig and relayed the glad tidings. He was a bit miffed, still, but pleased he'd turned up eventually.

'... Him shitfaced is better than nothing, I suppose,' he'd commented.

See, I know what it's like being associated with Max, have done for an age already. It is hard work keeping up with his drinking and behaviour patterns, and that's at the best of times. A Scorpio to the end, he causes all the troubles in my exhausting life. I do love him but, sometimes, I could bloody swing for him.

So, now I wait, and while I wait I write. It helps pass the time, putting it all down as I remember it, to read later. Sometimes I wonder where it will lead us both, Max and I, if anywhere. I'd like to think anything is possible, even more so when he's the one I'm so inspired by.

How It All Started

It was the typical grey, wet and windy, autumnal, Wednesday morning when my boss, Pete, pulls me into his office to say, 'An opportunity of a lifetime just landed on my desk ... You interested ...?'

The project turned out to be designing an album cover with some rock band. It sounded different and I was always up for a challenge. The details were due to follow so I was put on stand-by.

Well, within the week he called me into his office, again, and told me the P.R. man from the record company would be there, the following Thursday, with two members from the band. He also wanted me to make sure everything was in place to show the guys a good night out. Always good for business, he said. Great, seems I was to become a glorified babysitter. I told you it varied, but I'm sure I didn't see that one in my bloody contract.

Thursday came and I was in the office by 8:30 as usual. All my projects were on target and I was ahead on three of them, so, life was pretty good. I lived in the Chilterns and commuted to work, but even that, and the crap weather, didn't seem to get me down. I loved my life and everything was groovy. Up until then, that was. At 10:15 that morning, my life changed and was never to be the simple existence I'd had the pleasure of living, over the previous few years, ever again.

I was sat in my office when I heard Pete talking to Jane, my assistant. He seemed a bit angry over something and I think Jane was trying to calm him down. I walked out to them and looked at him. His red face seemed fit to burst and his eyes were screwed up in anger. From what I could gather, the two band members had turned up and one of them was already pissed off when they were introduced.

Apparently the language started to fly because this _Max_ wanted to deal with the previous company. Their P.R. man, Craig, tried to explain to him that the two companies had, indeed, amalgamated, so, they had the best of both worlds, PQB Designs. But an angry Peter left before all was explained, because Max had called our company a _back-street shit-pit_.

Peter was furious and it was obvious from his face it hadn't gone down too well. Anyway, I gritted my teeth and said I'd go and see if I could save the project. Hell, I had nothing to lose, so off I toddled.

I could hear them shouting between themselves from down the corridor. I stood for a while, listening to what was being said. They had the attention of the whole of the floor by then. The language was quite strong, on occasions, and I think I cringed quite a few times.

Jane walked back along to where I was standing, her arms crossed and a sympathetic smile on her face. Realising I'd have to enter soon, I slowly placed my hand on the door knob.

She smiled and whispered, 'Good luck!' with her hands held up and her fingers crossed.

I watched her walk back to my office looking, once, over her shoulder smiling in support.

'Thanks!' I feebly mouthed and held my breath preparing to enter the unknown.

After counting down from five, I knocked, opened the door, and walked into the boardroom.

Two of them were sat at one end of the long, dark wood table, and one was stood looking out the window at the Thames running passed. He turned, briefly, and then went back to the view.

I paused, unsure of the reception I was about to get, before I walked towards them, heart in throat, waiting for the onslaught. Slowly and calmly I introduced myself then explained my role. That bit seemed to go okay. So far, so good.

After I'd finished, the tension in the room seemed to be a little more at ease. I smiled at the tall guy, still standing. He walked over and sat down in the Director's chair. His eyes burnt right into me. At first, it made me feel a little uneasy. They were so blue I just couldn't look away. I was still talking but even I wasn't listening. I must have stopped and just carried on staring at him because, eventually, I heard a voice trying to bring me back.

I realised the guy in the suit was talking. It was Craig, the P.R. man, a really nice chap. I still get on well with him now. We became quite close on that project, funny where you make friends in business sometimes. Anyway, we sat and talked to each other, going over the details. All the time, the two guys sat in silence, not really taking in anything that was being said, or so I thought. It was when we reached the details of the cover did they start to prick up their ears.

Max, the one that had been admiring the view, suddenly jumped in with a torrent of ideas. Unable to take them all on board at once I suggested, stupidly, that maybe we could all work together. Max looked at his brother, Stevie, they both nodded, smiled, and all was set to Rock n Roll.

There was to be a photo shoot of the band itself, held in the studio where they were working, and done by yours truly. I was then to produce a cover design based around the band name, Ea$y. So, being an expert in Diverse Design and Problem Solving, (Eh?), I was considered pretty bloody good at my job so I became Peter's first choice to complete the contract.

Within the month, via me, we'd done the shoot and I had the winning photos ready for viewing. With the CD almost in production, all that was left were the final stages. The fonts and graphics were still to be finalised, but I already had the design laid out and the band appeared very impressed with the progress, especially Max.

The following day they were due to drop in and view all the shots together. In my infinite wisdom I'd arranged for black and whites to be available as well as the usual colour shots. From doing the author's photos, I understood not all celebs liked colour. It can tend to add a few years to the subject and, in some cases, not in a flattering way.

I had wanted the band to view them in the boardroom, but, because there was a bloody meeting, we had to make do with my office walls and floor. Now, my office was pretty big, half the size of the boardroom in fact, which made it the next biggest after Peter's. Was this good enough for Max?

Oh, no. He wanted some kind of exhibition of subject as if he was a bloody work of art himself. It was just a little too much attitude for me. At which point, I laughed and suggested he should, maybe, rent the gallery down the road, should he feel my office was a little too _bijous_ for him.

He looked at me sideways, his face a scowl, threw a complete wobbly and stormed off. Craig ran after him while I took in what had just happened. With a bemused look on my face, I mentioned he was a bit touchy. That was when I first heard the name, Anna-Lee. Stevie filled me in on some of their history, the pissed lover's fights, the pills and caine. I already understood Max, in a way, the perpetual poor little Rock Star piss-head with too much money to burn.

I must admit, I liked Stevie, the brother and bassist, from the moment we first met. He always had a smile and always made me laugh. We'd done some of the design work together, nearly as much as I'd done with Max, in fact.

Don't get me wrong, I got on with Max, when he was in the mood to work, and we had a laugh, when he was, but most of the time when he was at the office, he was either chatting to the boss or faffing around with the young secretaries. But then, at least I could get on and not worry about humouring a bored head-banger, as sweet as he could be, sometimes.

The band, as a whole, was great. Max, on the other hand, was the one who added all the fire and moody moments. He caused all the scenes and was usually responsible for any arguments to be had. He could be a nightmare pain in the arse to deal with, whereas Stevie and the others were always pretty easy going, pardon the pun.

I knew those dark waters of his ran pretty deep. He could be distant and unreachable one minute, and then taking on the world the next. I watched him on a regular basis, and he could impress me just as quickly as he could piss me off. At the time, I found him very hard work indeed.

Stevie laughing with Dan, over a very moody shot of him, abruptly brought me back to my task at hand. After a while of looking over the photos, I asked the band what they thought. Each of them chose the ones they liked the most. Funny, but they were all black & white. I left them to it while I went to see if I could catch up with Craig and, or, Max.

The reception was empty. I couldn't see either of them as Peter walked from his office. He'd already heard about the tantrum from Jane, and every other person on my floor. As I shook my head and explained about Max walking off, Craig reappeared from outside in the car park. He had a rather concerned look on his face as he slowly walked over to us with his hands pushed into his trouser pockets.

Looking at me first, he smiled, 'I really like you now ... I have never seen that guy hit the roof so quick with a woman before. You really know how to work sarcasm, don't you?' Shaking his head he huffed out a laugh. 'He's so pissed, he's gone to get pissed ... I've taken him back to the hotel ... He was almost foaming at the mouth by the time we reached down here ...'

As he sighed, his tired voice held a sad tone. 'I was a bit worried at one point, thought he was going to come back up and punch your lights out ... And believe me,' his face turned a little more serious, 'you wouldn't be the first woman he's decked, I can tell you.'

Falling silent, he turned and walked away, heading for his car so as to go sort Max out. At this, Peter suggested I go back upstairs and make sure the others were okay.

By the time I reached my office I could hear the laughter of girls flirting. I stood, silently watching at my office door. They soon realised I was back when the office girls disappeared, rapidly. Relaying the tale about Max and what Craig had said, Stevie laughed while the other two stood grinning. He told me not to worry. He reckoned Max probably had the hots for me.

Chuckling, whilst looking me over and grabbing his crouch, he grinned, 'Woman, ya too hot for me ... Ya already poaching my pods ...' The other two guys sniggered as he continued with, 'He ain't been near a woman in months, all that touring and recording ... Sugar, why d'ya think I call him Numb Nuts?'

Still laughing, he walked over and put an arm around my waist. Looking down at me he said, 'Arh, fuck him, he'll get over it ... Ya wanna see him do his thang when he gets really pissed and obnoxious ... Man,' he shook his head as he laughed, 'I had to stop him from laying out Bethany Perez ... Shit, he nearly kicked off a big ole punch-fest when he called her trailer-park pussy ... So, anyway, that dumb hick bitch just had to squeal, swivel, dick spit (which he said in a high-pitched girly accent) in that evil voice of her's, while flickin him one ... And the night, pretty much, escalated into a free-for-all from there ...'

My heart, at that moment, went out to Stevie. That lovely guy didn't deserve an arsehole brother quite as messed up as Max.

Peter appeared at the door. 'There's a call on line three ... Jane says it's Craig, and he's calling from their hotel,' he nodded at the guys. '... He wants to speak to you ...'

A bit mystified, I walked over and picked up the call on my phone. Craig was in the bar, with Max, who'd, by then, had about seven double shots of JD and was about to fight the barman for the bottle. He'd been ranting on about how much of a bitch I'd been to him and how, if I was there, he'd give me a piece of his mind, or words to that effect. As I pointed out to Craig, the state he was in, had he a mind left?

'... Less sarcasm please, it's what started this, remember?' replied Craig. He sounded tired. 'Can you come down to the hotel and help me sort this shit out, please? ...Once and for all ...'

He was as toneless as he had been in our reception.

'He also said he won't deal with anyone else. He says ... You caused this shit, so you've gotta get your arse down here and apologise to him ... I think it'll be the only thing that'll shut him up, Tee ... Please, I'm begging ... Help me ...'

I was on the verge of laughing but could tell Craig was getting a bit sticky about the situation. I said I'd be there after I'd arranged for the others to go to a club or strip joint, either/or, they weren't fussy, and they'd asked so nicely.

I contacted the Security guy I always used, Joey. He'd done quite a few Personal Security jobs for me, so was always the first person on the list. I told him to pick them up from our office and take them to the good spots, and no queuing. He knew the score and I could trust him entirely.

With everything sorted and my day done, I left instructions with Jane to finish the little tasks I had to leave. Peter was aware of me going to the hotel and wasn't particularly happy about it. Stevie knew what I was about to face, he'd smiled and told me not to let Max get the upper hand. Not that Stevie thought Max would, but Max plus JD, well, there was an atom just waiting to be split.

Within minutes, there I was, in a taxi, going off to face some pissed man-child from hell. It had just started to rain and autumn was well and truly in the wind. There was that smell of wet rotting leaves and snow on its way down from the North. Above me sat one of those watery grey skies that looks dirty and in need of a damn good wash.

I hurried into the main reception and checked to see if Craig had waited for me, but I couldn't see him. I walked the foyer, the plush red carpet crunching under my stilettos as I made my way to the bar. It was dark and quiet as I entered, there didn't seem to be that many people in there. There was no sign of Craig and I couldn't blame him for leaving. I walked over and asked the chap serving if there'd been a pissed Canadian in there lately.

Still cleaning a glass he replied, haughtily, nodding to a table in the corner, 'What, that one?'

There, sat on his own, and with an almost empty bottle of Jack in front of him, was Max. He was slumped over a table, asleep.

'How much has he had?' I asked the Barman.

'Just that one bottle,' he sneered, putting the now clean glass on the bar. 'Are you here to resolve the problem? ... I'm afraid they don't tolerate that kind of language and behaviour here, Madame ...'

I apologised to him and explained the problem was actually staying in their Royale Suite. His face blanched as he finally realised Max was a Black Card guest and, most probably, helping to pay his stupid mortgage. His silence came at just the right time.

I smiled to myself as I turned away to walk towards Max. Slowly testing the water, I said his name softly and waited for a reply. I was right in thinking he'd fallen asleep. I touched his shoulder. That shot him awake.

The look on his face should have killed me there and then, but I found myself stifling a chuckle. I waited for all hell to break loose but, to my amazement, he just sat there staring at me. I could tell he was on another planet. His eyes were nearly closed and the side of his face lobster coloured from where he'd been sleeping, cheek down, on the table. He'd dribbled a bit, too, the poor bloke.

With the look of a startled child, he tried focusing on me. Then, I really started to worry. I was faced with a virtual stranger, who was pissed and didn't really like me that much. It was going to be very interesting indeed.

Finally, when it registered in his head who I was, the look on his face changed. I remember trying not to poop myself, not knowing I was about to see something we would later laugh about.

Half awake and very pissed, poor Max moved to the edge of his seat where he'd been slumped. With a vile grin peeling over his teeth, he snarled, 'When was the last time you was fucked so hard ya couldn't feel anythin afterwards ...?'

' _Oh, God_... _Here we go_ ,' I thought, as I scanned the room behind me in hope of seeing a familiar face. '... This is getting out of hand... Where the fuck is Craig?' I sung in a whisper under my breath.

Slowly, I turned back and stared straight into his cold, blue, but slightly bloodshot, eyes. He was still waiting for a reply. Perching myself on the edge of the seat opposite, I smiled sweetly over at him.

'Well, I don't think there's a man alive that can offer me so much of his valuable time and energy. Don't think for one moment I'd pass up on an opportunity like that ... So, when, and if, the right bloke for the job comes along ... I'll let you know what happens ...'

He slowly grinned as his eyes turned toward me again.

'I wanted to slap you so hard, ya punchy bitch ... But Craig said ya wouldn't go down without pitching a few feisty swings first ... Is that right ...?'

As he snarled it, his eyes looked at me in a way I could feel myself sliding into them. In that moment, something made me want to grab hold of him and kiss all over his angry looking face. I could also, for some reason, see the guy sat in front of me being the one to do to me what he'd just described.

'... Yup, I'm afraid it is!' I retorted, trying to keep my shaky reply light.

He had such a look on his face I thought, maybe, I'd get that slap sooner rather than later. I was bracing myself for the tirade, but none appeared. Max sat, silently staring at me. That was the first chance there had been to spend time together, alone, without work or the band stuff in the way.

He slowly looked around the empty bar and then fixed his eyes back on mine. He smiled in a sinister way , speaking through clenched teeth.

'My betting, two and you're out ... You wanna try it, right here, you and me?'

At first I wasn't sure what he was suggesting. Then, when his look changed again, I knew he meant a swinging party, and it had nothing to do with keys in a bowl. Just what I needed, another feisty piss-head with a liking to large it up with the ladies.

I raised my eyebrows and stood up as Max tried. Only he hadn't taken both legs out from under the table. That went sideways, glass, bottle and all. They crashed to the floor, stirring the bar bloke into action and verbal outbursts. In that same second, Max watched as the glass shattered in slow motion.

Me, I stood back as the bouncing shards shot in all directions. It was quite evident that, by then, he was super-pissed, and who was stood there looking ready to run?

The Barman got to within six feet of me when he stopped and fell silent. He was watching some minging head-banger just about to throw a punch at a lady in a pinstripe suit, holding a briefcase.

I was watching Max, knowing that the poor shitfaced wanna-be was about to pass-out, but he didn't know it. I could also see what was coming, so I just stood to one side and smiled.

He managed to make it almost upright, but not quite. The extent of his standing up was both his feet on the floor, with his torso vaguely above them, swaying side to side rather slowly. When he finally caught up with where I was standing, I'd already clocked he was on his way out. I knew he would look at me, go to swing, and be out cold by the time the action registered to his brain, and I was right.

He did try, but failed, as I looked over my shoulder at the Barman. I let myself enjoy a small chuckle as he hit the deck. I must have looked so superior, in that last moment, through his eyes. I was smiling, ear to ear, because I knew the signs so well.

See, in that job, I'd seen most of them like it. I rarely get that hammered, but then, how can I enjoy an event if I'm one of the pissed? Though, sometimes, I have been known to let my hair down, and it can get a bit messy, after all, I'm a JD lover too.

So, there I was, stood in the bar of one of the classiest hotels in London, dressed like an accountant, smiling down at a pissed Rock-Star, passed-out in puddle of J.D. And that was a quiet day.

I turned to the Barman as he asked, 'What about him?'

I explained I was about to solve that problem. He grinned and followed me over to the bar as I rang Joey on my mobile to find out where they were. I caught them all in the strip joint, Gee-Gee's, and they seemed pretty happy with a company credit card at their disposal. I was glad of that. At least I didn't have to deal with them, as well as little Mr Pass-out Pants, as nice as they all were.

My next conundrum, of course, was how to get Max up to his crash site to sleep it off. This, I must admit, was easier said than done. He's quite a tall dude, Max, and not a flyweight by any means, and believe me, it's all muscle.

I asked bar-boy if they supplied complementary wheelchairs and, if so, could someone bring one to the rescue. With that done, I went back and sat on the corner of the seat Max had occupied only a little while ago. Looking down at him, I had to chuckle, he was far away in J.D. land. There was to be no more excitement for him, he was O.U.T, out.

A young lad came scurrying in and met me with the chair. He was kind enough to stick around and help me lift the dead weight into his carriage. Once my cargo was loaded, I had to get the room key-card and then find his suite.

The staff must have got wind of what had happened. They all ran round for me and even held an empty lift for us. I could tell matey-boy was worried he was going to get puked over so I sent him back to Reception. I knew I could deal with Max. He was totally dependent on me, how unfortunate, and pretty lifeless in the lift. Not until we hit his floor did he really make any sounds, mumbles and gripes mostly. He still seemed quite pissed off even though he was out of it, amazingly.

They'd been given the huge four bedroom penthouse suite. (Nice work if you can get it, aye!) I left him at the door while I walked round till I found what I thought was his room. I had a feeling he would be all guitars and stuff. When I found the acoustic and electrics stood along a wall like strung soldiers I knew it had to be his.

Pictures in small folding frames were arranged on a chest beside the bed. One was of Max and Stevie, a couple of Max with a middle-aged lady, and another with a pretty blonde girl. I think the room had been his home for some time. That's how it felt, but it still wasn't very homely. When I entered, it smelt of him, his clothes and his expensive aftershave.

Returning for the sleeping songster, I pushed him to his room, wedged the front wheels against a few cushions and, with some effort, managed to tip him onto the awaiting king-size bedspread. Luckily enough, I didn't miss like I had with some in the past.

I stood and stared down at his screwed up face, fast asleep. He was fully dressed, boots 'n' all. I took them off and stood them by the door. The jacket was easy, he'd managed one sleeve in the bar, trying to disrobe for the fight he was about to pass-out on. I tugged and he turned over.

Hanging it on the back of a chair, I turned towards him again. Only then did I see he was watching. His eyes sparkled from the booze, but there was no expression on his face whatsoever. I caught his gaze and wondered if he was sleeping with his eyes open. Slowly, he started to smile.

Thinking someone had entered the suite behind me, I looked over my shoulder. It seemed he was actually smiling at me.

With a cheeky look on his face, he quietly asked, 'Are my jeans next?' I couldn't help but grin as he continued with, 'Hey, I like that better, you smiling ... I don't like it when ya look all serious ... It usually means trouble ...'

I laughed as I sat in the chair I'd just hung his jacket over and looked back at him.

'How ya feeling ...?' I asked, '... Better ...?' the questions, my feeble attempt at lightening the moment.

He sat upright on the side of the bed but still looked a little green. I asked if they had any coffee in the place. I was told the way to the kitchenette and soon returned with the biggest mug full I could find, black, plus three sugars. He grinned, boyishly, as I handed it to him, and then motioned for me to sit next to him, which I did.

By what I'd learnt, they seemed a good bunch, but Max had a few problems he couldn't get passed. I hoped I could've been a little more help by giving him someone to talk to. In there, somewhere, was a really great guy with a mad sense of humour, and a devilish way with him. On the occasions I'd caught him in thoughtful mode he was a different person entirely, clever, quick, imaginative, a useful member of the team even. But, on his flip side, you could end up courting the Devil himself, as I found that night.

I watched him as he sipped the hot, black liquid. Slowly, it put a little colour back in his face. I wanted to hug and reassure him. He looked like a little lost boy. I wondered how much he missed his Mum. I think they'd only been home twice in nearly a year, so it could have been months since they were last with their families. I wondered if that had something to do with why he was so tied up on the inside. If the pain was that obvious to me, then the others must have seen it too.

When he'd finished his coffee, the mug being played with in his musician's hands, he turned to face me.

Looking at me, with those pretty eyes, he said, 'I'm sorry I've been such a shithead ... I don't know why I fuck-up the way I do ... Can ya forgive me? ... Please ...'

I told him I could tell him a few things about myself that I wasn't too proud of. It seemed to lessen the chill in the air.

'You,' he chuckled, 'I can't imagine you being like that ... You're like all business ...'

At that, I really did laugh, and so did he at my reaction.

'I think you probably wouldn't say that if you really knew me,' I smiled back at him.

'So ... How does someone get to really know ya?' he asked, grinning, his eyes holding a crystal glaze.

'Well ... They have to like me first,' I chuckled.

Higher Challenges

I remember that as if it all happened just yesterday. There isn't a day go by that I'm not reminded of the events from the past. As I always say, if you can dream it, you can be it, and that's exactly how Max lived his life. But, that madness was ages ago now. We've been and seen some amazing sights since we got our shit together.

Max going wild in London wasn't the first time and, I dare say, it probably won't be the last. Must admit, we've shared some sad and mad moments, him and me. Like our first time in the sack. That happened in Los Angeles and, wow, what a bloody nightmare fiasco that was. Anna-Lee again. As will become apparent, everything changed between Max and me too, but I'll explain that as I go.

About six months after my charming evening with Max, I ditched working in London to start my own design company from home. Managing to get all the best gear via Craig Taylor, who'd come up trumps with heaps of equipment, I must have saved thousands. After a helping hand like that, I gave him exclusive mates-rates, for which he was most thankful.

I'd, also, just had the digiphone installed. That was an amazing piece of kit. It ran via my computer, straight down the broadband line and into cyberspace. I could voice dial individual numbers and voice type as well as voice fax. I could also use it for conference calls. I loved it. I'd never have to rest the phone against my shoulder, when scrabbling for pen and paper, ever again.

One of the first calls that came through was Craig, funnily enough. It was about 3:20 a.m. when I jumped awake to the loud burst of some obnoxious rock track. I shouted answer and it picked up on voice-only, the camera only responding if the lights were on. He was in Los Angeles with the guys. Anna-Lee, the narcotics infused girlfriend, was there, Max had rung her to come and join him.

There was trouble before she even landed. Stevie had heard she was flying down and wouldn't stay in the same hotel as _that fuckin rancid piece a snatch_ , his words not mine, and had then insisted that Craig move him somewhere else. Dan, the drummer, had blown a fuse because there was no way he was going to be left there with _them two fuckin like the world might end_. Jake, their guitarist, on the other hand, didn't care. Whatever! He was getting it on R & R style in a local strip club, The Booty Box. He was The Happy Hippy.

Craig said he was on his way to their hotel when all hell had let loose. Max and Anna-Lee had been out and got pissed-up, big time. They'd returned to the hotel, gone to the bar, and started drinking again. It had been alright up until she banged on about the next leg of the tour, and how she'd planned all her hotels along the route.

Well, Max had obviously thought that a bad idea and had gone mental. He was hoping she'd go back to Canada so he could carry on the next leg of the tour alone, he'd then meet her back in Alberta when the tour was over. This was not what she'd wanted. She'd wanted to follow him, but he hadn't wanted her to, and that's when it had all kicked-off.

Craig explained what happened next wasn't very clear but, from what the Barman said, Max had screamed at her, 'Jesus ... Fuck you, bitch ... I can't stand this ... Ya always have to get in my damn face ... What the fuck's wrong with ya? Can't ya fuckin let me be alone? ... Will I have to take ya with me for a shit next ...?'

Her drink had gone over him, the table had gone across the bar, and the brown stuff had hit the proverbial fan. It seems Anna-Lee had stormed from the hotel, got in a Taxi and left for the airport.

Max had then punched a couple of the saloon windows through, before kicking a door to death and then, raging in anger, slammed back to his suite, shouting and swearing about Anna-Lee. The airport had been checked and she'd already caught a flight back home.

Max was, by then, sat in his suite not answering the door to anyone. Stevie had then suggested phoning me to see if I had any ideas or could help in any way. He'd also commented that Max and I had stuck up an odd love/hate relationship back in London.

Craig had dealt with the hotel costs, but that wasn't the problem, it was dealing with Max he couldn't handle. Stupidly, I told him I'd fly out on the next plane and try to get to speak to him, if that was of any use.

Nearly a day and four stomachs later, I landed in a very humid L.A. Craig had been waiting about three hours for me in the lounge of the Airport. No one had told Max I was on my way and Craig mentioned that he still wasn't talking to anyone. They had the Manager try the Master Key but he'd propped a chair or something against the door. They knew he was still alive, they could hear coughing and the occasional item being thrown across the room against a wall. He was still drinking too.

The others, well, they were doing the booked Radio Show appearance saying Max had another engagement that couldn't be avoided. Nicely put boys.

I put my ear to his door and listened as Craig stood behind me. I called Max's name and said it was me. A whole load of stuff bounced against the other side of it along with loud comments such as, 'FUCKIN WOMEN', mumble, mumble, and, 'I DON'T GIVE A FUCK', mumble, mumble.

I looked at Craig and raised my eyebrows. '... Come on ... I have an idea ...'

I walked back to the Reception and asked the guy at the desk if he had a ladder at hand. He looked a little concerned as he showed us out to the backyard where it was stored beside an old garage. I looked back at Max's floor and thought it would just reach his window. Time for _Action Tee_.

With Craig in tow, we picked it up and walked to the rear of the hotel. We attracted the attention of a small group of onlookers at a bus stop as we put the ladder up against the building. I hadn't travelled all that bloody way only to be hollered at through a sodding door, I knew that much.

Telling Craig to take the slack, I turned to start my climb.

He grabbed my wrist, in fear of what I was about to do, and said in horror, 'You're not going up there? ... Not for him? ... Are you crazy?'

His eyes moved from me to the window above as he spoke, he seemed amazed that I even cared.

But, as I pointed out. '... Something has to be done, Craigy baby, and who else gives a shit? I can't see anyone else here giving a shit, can you?'

My foot rested on the second rung hoping for an answer, or some other crazy person stepping in on my behalf. I waited, neither appeared.

'... No! ... I thought not ...'

Starting my climb, Craig and the onlookers watched as the ladder bounced and I gripped with all my feeble girly strength. At the top, I could see straight into Max's room. He was face down on the huge bed and looked like shit. I remember shaking my head at the state of the place. It showed all the usual signs of being hit by a Max size cyclone.

I knocked on the window with one hand, as the other shielded the sun's reflection from my eyes. At first, he ignored the sound it made. So then I knocked harder and louder. This made him want to know where the irritating noise was coming from.

To this I laughed, 'Oi, you, over here, ya dumbass ... If ya don't open this God damn window, NOW, I'm gonna break it with my sodding shoe and stab you to death with the God damn shards ...'

I pulled a cheesy grin as I finished my sentence.

At this, he raised his head, and from below a curtain of messy curls came his unforgettable goateed smile. He'd recognised that voice and those insults. They were coming from the only person, he'd suddenly decided, he could deal with at that moment. He also, in that instant, realised I was up a bloody ladder. Bouncing over he pressed his lips to the glass in a grotesque kiss. He must have seen I wasn't impressed as he moved to the catch and slid the window open.

I looked at his face. I knew there was trouble in there, again. His eyes were rimmed red with anger and emotion. I asked him to lift me in, which he did, with no effort at all.

Now, there certainly is something really nice about being in the arms of a flirty man, especially when you haven't been laid in quite a while. The feelings I felt weren't meant to be that strong, he was six years younger than me. I could have stayed there all day, so, as he dropped me slowly, I made sure I slid down all the right parts of his body, quietly purring to myself.

Looking at me in an odd way, he stepped back as I shouted down to Craig that I was okay. The ladder was then removed and Craig went back to Reception.

We sat on the end of the bed as he explained everything Craig had told me on the way there. He was so angry. I turned to him and told him he mustn't let her get to him. In my own way I did care what happened. We had become quite close after the hotel encounter, as I've said, and I'd caught reflections of me in him on more than one occasion. There was one particular spread of common ground we found we shared. It was the way the loss of our Fathers had affected our lives. For some reason, that had created a bond that neither of us understood. Just then, something in me changed.

'Why do you even bother with her? ... You could have anyone, Max, look at you, you're young, gorgeous, and disgustingly loaded ... And you know what she's like, better than anyone ... She does it just to see how far she can push you ... It's all a bloody game to her, I thought you knew that? Tell her you're done ... Get out, Max, while you still can ... Tell her you found someone else ... Tell her it's me, if it helps ...'

I just babbled it out at him, not really thinking about the words I was using.

Silently I sat, waiting for some sort of reaction. I went to get up, feeling I'd overstepped the mark in some way, but he grabbed my arm and stared at me with a look of astonishment on his face. I wanted to take back what I'd just said, but it was way too late for that, he'd heard it already. His eyes blazed and I thought he was going to go mad over another woman causing crap in his life, like he needed any more hassle in that department.

I looked away from him, suddenly seeing I'd obviously said something wrong. My embarrassment forced me to lose myself in the pattern of the carpet. Slowly, he turned my face towards him with his left hand and, with those amazing blue eyes, stared straight into me. I could have melted, right there and then. The most incredible urge to kiss him spread through me, but he beat me to it.

His right arm snaked round my shoulders as he pulled me into a kiss to die for. My mouth wanted to stay there, forever. Being kissed by him was the highlight of that year, that's for sure. There was something real special about that guys lips. They wanted you to kiss them back, but harder. What a mouth to be seduced by. I could have ripped all his clothes off and done him, there and then.

I knew it could happen, and I knew that's exactly what he wanted. Shame really but, at the time, I didn't want to be dragged into all that mess. Anna-Lee still had a hold on him, I knew that much. All too heavy for me. I liked my life nice and simple, no mind-games. Sadly, I'd only been divorced from Shay for two years, and it had taken almost all that time to recover from that.

As I pulled away from him, he looked surprised that I had. I moved to the window and explained that it wasn't anything he'd said or done. I was more worried about mixing business with pleasure. I didn't want to say anything about getting caught up in the mess that was his life, why open that bag of bollocks. Thankfully, he understood what I was getting at and remained quiet as I stood in silence watching the sun starting its decline in the sky.

He came and stood behind me, resting his chin on my shoulder and putting his arms round my waist. I could hear him breathing against my ear and I felt quite relaxed about it. I wanted to have the good things too, but it had to be on my terms and not just his. That he listened to, nodding his head, curls bouncing. I fell quiet. Next was his turn to talk.

He turned me round to face him and I looked up into those gorgeous blue eyes of his.

'Honey, this is all I know ... I had a dream, ages ago, an one I'll never forget ... I see myself drivin in this nice little hot-rod out through the desert, and it's a stunning day. I got some nice sounds thumping in the car, my shades are down, and I'm feeling fine ... Suddenly, in the distance, I see this carriage diner dumped at the side of the road ... This seems to pull me towards it, and I know I'm meant to go there for somethin ... But it ain't a somethin, it's a someone ... And that was you, baby ... That was you ...'

He pulled me into his arms and closed them around me.

Wow, my head swam. I couldn't believe what he'd just said. I asked him if he was serious and he said he was _God damned serious_. My arms slid around his waist and I pulled him tight against me. I didn't want to let go in case all his words were retracted and forgotten. Talk about telling me what I wanted to hear. Nice pick-up line, don't you think?

We were stood holding each other, by the window, when there was a knock at the door. We looked at each other, then in its direction. It was Craig. He'd been sat downstairs all that time. I'd completely forgotten the poor sod. He was waiting to take me to my hotel, but hadn't wanted to interrupt in case we were having a deep meaningful conversation. I assured him that everything was okay and we'd be coming out. Max caught my arm as I walked back for my bag. He looked lost and confused.

I took his hand, saying, 'Look, I know this sounds weird coming from me, but don't stay here, alone, tonight ... Come to my hotel, crash at mine ...We can talk all night if you want ... Have a bit of a laugh, chill out some maybe ... A bit of company won't do either of us any harm ... What d'ya think ...?'

His reply was turning and catching his jacket from where he'd ditched it on the floor the previous day. He took one last look around his nicely trashed room, snatched his half full Jack bottle from the side, smiled to himself, and then followed me to the door.

Playing With Fire

Outside the sun was warm after the chill of that sad room. All three of us walked to the car and got in. I told Craig to explain to the guys about where Max was, and that they shouldn't worry, he was in safe hands with me. I knew Stevie wouldn't be too concerned, this Craig knew too.

We were dropped outside my hotel and wondered into the foyer in silence. I checked in and got my key-card before we ambled our way up to the room. It was a good choice Craig had made, I must say. I walked in and saw the sea view straight away.

I also clocked the note attached to the cellophane wrapped basket, the one on the coffee table by the window. You couldn't really miss half the world's supply of fruit, piled in a bizarre pyramid, with its hideously huge green bow stuck on the top.

The note from Craig read, "Thought, after bringing you here like this, I should make amends by supplying the best room. Hope you like the view, chose it myself. Any problems, contact Clara in Reception, she's on stand-by for all your personal needs. Enjoy... This one's on me x"

Max had opened the balcony doors and was leant against the balustrade looking out to sea. I walked out, stood behind him, and rested my cheek against his back whilst checking out the view. It was lovely and quiet due to the hotel having its own private part of the beach. There was no one walking or swimming, it was all ours.

He turned to face me and held me to him. We were silent as we took in the smell and sounds of the surf. All I could hear, with my ear to his chest, was his heart beating a gentle rhythm. I wanted to stay there forever and never move, but I was so bloody hungry too. All those hours of chucking on the plane had left me feeling as though my throat had been cut.

I suggested I get my shit sorted and that we could both do with something to eat. He turned his nose up at that. Food obviously wasn't on his agenda just then. All he wanted was strong, sweet, black coffee with Jack in the top. Me, I could have eaten a really big horse. I walked back inside and ordered a load of nosh via room-service. It arrived in no time at all, and I ate as Max showered.

He smelt like a chicken coup after all that booze and being with her. I ordered some more clothes to be sent over from his hotel. Joey was kind enough to sort out some stuff for him to change into. I felt like burning what he'd taken off. It was covered in the smell of that horrible woman who'd started all that crap. I felt sick just being near them.

Joey hadn't appeared by the time he'd climbed from the shower so he took to wearing a complimentary towelling robe instead. The big, fluffy gown looked small on him. I laughed as he walked out in it. He smiled as he posed in a fake catwalk stance.

I'd realised, straight away, he was naked under it. He'd bragged, on numerous occasions, that he went commando, so I knew there'd be no boxers. My mind started to work around the subject of how naked he was under it. Taking into account I hadn't had any sex for over three years, I could have eaten him alive and spat out the pips. My eyes were welded to him as he walked the balcony and hotel room. I really had to watch where I was staring though. They kept slowly drifting back to his crotch area.

I knew I had to do something about it. Finishing my sandwich, I walked to the door and pushed the snip over to where it locked. I stood with my back against the glossed wood whilst watching Max pour more coffee into his cup. He hadn't seen what I was doing. I told him I was off for my shower and that he should get some food down his neck.

Within the shortest space of time, I was under hot water and getting lathered up. I called to him that I had soap in my eyes and couldn't reach the towel. He wondered in, mug in hand, and stopping short, just inside the door, made me reach out into the bathroom for it. My eyes were slowly filling with watery mascara and shampoo. Starting to get a bit panicky, he eventually placed the towel in my outstretched hand. I had hoped he'd put something else there instead, but he didn't, it was only the towel.

Wiping my eyes, I suddenly became aware of a presence behind me. I turned and he was there, naked, his muscular body slightly tanned all over. I must admit, I had daydreamt about him naked in the past, but nothing, and I mean nothing, could prepare me for what I was then faced with.

He pushed me backwards through the hot water and up against the wall behind me. I swallowed, hard, as my gaze was drawn down towards what had, by then, come between us. The dirtiest grin I'd ever seen appeared over his lips as he watched my expression change, making him laugh deep in his throat, as he stepped towards me.

The hot water ran over our entwined bodies, warming me to the core. Looking down into my eyes, he turned me around and eased his naked body against my back. Pushing me gently against the wall, his left hand crawled up the front of me. I let out a small moan as he crushed himself against me. I could feel how hard he really was as the heat grew within that shower. I was leaning on the cold tiles but I was no way cold.

'I'm not used to all this attention, be gentle with me, please ... It's been a long time,' I whispered against my shoulder.

He kissed down my nape and onto my back. I'm not sure he was even listening to me, not that I really cared. I thought the sensations in the shower were as good as it got, but the best was yet to come, literally.

Without a word, he turned me round and pulled me to him, his lips coming into contact with mine. I couldn't help the feelings that followed that action. I wasn't in control, he was. He looked into my eyes and, before I could take another breath, his lips were kissing down towards my chest.

My whole body surrendered. I couldn't stand up anymore, and thought I would collapse if he let me go. My eyes closed as he kissed his way back up, taking time to hear my moans. I was lost with my eyes closed, my fingers in his hair. I was somewhere I'd never been before, and I liked it, very much.

After indulging in that action for a while, he stood upright and climbed from the shower. I looked at him from where I stood in the hipbath. His eyebrows rose, as he took in my naked form, then he swept me into his arms and carried me into the bedroom.

Still holding me, he turned and kicked the door shut. He walked us to the bed and smiled, just before he threw me onto it. Holding my gaze, he snaked down, slowly, next to me. A hand ran down my wet torso to reach my thighs. I thought I'd died and gone to heaven. He had me in the palm of his hand and, this, I think he knew already.

I could tell in his face what he was coming next. I felt his piercing eyes watching me. He was taking in every inch of my body so he could remember it at a later date. Slowly, he brushed the tip of his tongue over my most sensitive skin. A shockwave ran up my body sending messages of surrender to every part of my brain. I wasn't ready for what happened next. I was far away with him touching me there, like that.

He'd been teasing me for a while when he finally kissed me there. My whole body contorted into the longest orgasm I think I'd ever had, even the wet hair on the back of my neck was standing to attention. I could feel by his actions that he was getting what he was there for. I grabbed a handful of his hair as another ripped through me. The more I reacted, the more he teased. He seemed in love with that part of my body already, and we hadn't even screwed yet.

Once I'd got to a stage where I ached inside, I pulled him up to my face height by his hair. The look of anger was incredible. I brought him down to meet my waiting lips. I wanted to suck him all into me and consume his whole body. He gently took hold of me and rolled us both over, our faces close together, his finger slowly sliding up my back and into my wet hair. With my legs either side of his waist, I pushed myself up and sat astride him.

He lay there, arms crossed behind his head, grinning and watching me play. Looking up at me, a smirk of pure bliss coated his face. He was on fire.

Taking him in hand, I slightly raised myself up on my knees and then slid down onto him, inch by inch. His eyes flared, as my head lolled to one side, and then slowly closed, as I came to rest on him. He filled me to bursting.

'Like that? Ya like it like that, huh ... Mmm, just there, yeah .... Just there,' he crooned.

I sat aloft, holding him inside me, feeling every inch of him. I'd lost count of the amount of times I'd cum, it just kept happening, and I couldn't control what was going on inside me, not anymore.

Without warning, he lifted me off him and pulled me to the edge of the bed. I was knelt over the mattress, face down, as he entered me from behind. Our two bodies moved in time to his tempo, my fingers grabbing at sheets, his pelvis bouncing against my bottom. The whole mood changed and I instinctively knew what was next. Momentarily he stopped.

Pulling my hair to one side, he kissed my neck and whispered, 'Can I cum now, baby?'

Another ripple of fire ran through me with each word he spoke.

Quietly and still motionless, I whispered, 'Oh, yeah, baby ... You can cum now ...'

And with those words, he cozied up real tight behind me, wrapping his arms around my torso, as he started that final countdown. I felt the judders tremble through him as he neared his climax. The movements became less and less until I felt him stiffen. The whole of his body went rigid, and I mean, whole body. His deep throated moans took me through more internal floods as he finished himself into me. I could feel him expand inside as we both came together over the bed. Eventually, he pulled away, the deed done.

He looked up at me, from the floor where he'd flaked out, and said, 'Give me five and I'll want more.'

I looked round and down at him. That guy had just blown my brains out and he wanted more! God help me. I moved to lie on the floor next to him. He smiled as I rested my chin on his chest. Slowly, he started to twirl a strand of my chestnut hair around his left index finger, while I played with the circle of mousy hair around his bellybutton.

I smiled at him as I moved to steal a kiss. He was looking at my hair as my lips skipped along his jaw line to his mouth. He turned his head quickly and caught me, full on the lips, with a hard kiss. Grabbing me, he rolled me over onto my back and looked down at me. His eyes crinkled with a smile, as his head dropped down, his lips coming into contact with mine. They rest there so gently, the sensation intoxicating, and I was doomed again.

With my eyes closed, I was sent back to all the feelings that had swayed through my body only a short time ago. I hadn't even realised he had moved over and was back between my legs. He pushed himself up on his arms to look down at me.

With his curly locks hanging before his face like a curtain, inches from mine, I reached up and slid my fingers into the hair by his ear, pulling him down for another kiss. He was too much to resist. Lifting my legs, I wrapped them around his waist.

And, so, the collision of bodies continued. My excitement at fever pitch as my whole being twitched from his actions. Throwing his head back, he vented a throaty moan, as his hair, a mass of messy curls, tumbled over his broad, tanned shoulders.

For a moment, he held himself in me, breathing very deeply. After a pause, he lowered himself onto me. Wrapping my arms around his neck I buried my face in his warm hair. It smelt newly washed and the scent filled my nostrils.

Eventually, he rolled away and collapsed, back down, onto the floor. He sighed loudly as he ran the palm of his hand down my sweaty belly.

'... Hey, Tee-bird ... Ya want another shower?' he whispered.

I looked at him from where I lay, the heat slowly abating.

'Ha, is the Pope catholic and does a bear shit in the woods?' I quietly giggled.

The night passed by in much the same way. Max would drag me towards him and the dance would start again. Lips and fingers trailed a binding through the darkness. Skin to skin, we whispered of chances that lay just a dream away. We both knew it was make-believe, we weren't kidding ourselves in any way, I promise you. But, you don't see that side of existence without leaving a little of yourself behind.

For a while, I was trapped somewhere I had no desire to be cast from. Alas, sex with no strings is, in itself, a misconception. Even if you tell yourself you don't care about the person you have sex with, that moment you become joined at the hip, you're already spinning away and don't even know it.

The following morning, in our silence, we sat watching the sun come up, a bottle of Jack D's between us for breakfast. Joey had dropped clean clothes off for him the evening before, so he was sat in jeans, with designer ripped knees, a 'Booty Box' t-shirt, and an old Nirvana sweat-shirt tied around his waist.

We chatted about stupid crap, really. When he talked about his Pa he wandered off in a memory, lost to a childhood Christmas. I was much the same, talking about Pops made me misty eyed for a moment, but the laughs we had started a giggling fit in me, the appalling jokes always a pleasure to recall.

By the time the traffic smog and heat had started to shimmer the horizon, Joey was with us, yet again. Max said a rather long goodbye, it took him nearly twenty minutes to reach the door. Joey said he'd grab a juice in the lounge, he knew how long those things could take.

Max was fine till he looked back, seeing me, stood on the balcony. His hand didn't quite touch the doorknob before he has back over for more kisses. I had to forcibly get him out in the end, and then he stood outside the door talking to me through it. He wouldn't leave without my number. I told him to ask Stevie, he had it.

When Joey's voice came along the corridor, I heard low mumbling, and then a much happier voice call, 'I'll catch ya soon, Tee-bird ... I'll find ya when I need ya ...' And, with that, they were gone.

I sat in the calm of my surroundings, listening to the noise of dog walkers and surfers at sea, sipping my long, cold drink, feet up on the balustrade. I knew I was to jet back to Blighty later that same day but couldn't work out what was worse. Was it the thought of that hideous, never-ending assault in cattle-class, or, was it trying to forget what we'd shared in that super king-size bed behind me? I decided to think about the crappy journey back instead, the reruns of Action Max a little too much to handle at that time of morning.

Anywhere, But There

Two days after my return to England, Craig rang me to give me the bad news. Anna-Lee and Max had shagged and made up. It was as if their bust-up, and our little liaison, had never happened, and kind of what I was expecting in a way. She would always go back, and he would always take her back.

Probably whining about how much she loved him, and how sorry she was, it worked every time, and him, the soppy bast'd, he fell for it, every time. It amazed me, it really did. I didn't care about being another easy lay for Max Manley. In fact, I hoped he'd got as much from it as I did. We each needed it as much as the other, but I could carry the memory with me for a while. It was enough to keep me warm on a cold night, that's for sure.

To be quite honest, I didn't actually think anything more would happen between us, I just hoped and left it at that. Max stayed away from me, and I wondered what Anna-Lee had said, or done, to make him cave. She certainly knew which way to play him, and it was painful to watch, time after time. I also knew it was getting to the rest of the guys too.

Stevie had complained about it to me the last time we spoke. He couldn't see what Max found attractive about her. He'd said that kissing crap must be better than kissing that but, seeing as Max took so much shit on a regular basis, maybe that was why he liked her so much.

Jake very rarely had an opinion about anything. He was spaced out for most of the time. I always saw him with a huge joint in his mouth and a bad case of red-eye. He's never said anything on the subject of her. He didn't want to get any bad vibes from anyone.

Dan, on the other hand, would verbally abuse her at every opportunity he had. He hated her and couldn't see why Max would even touch it. The other guys knew how Dan felt, and they probably agreed with what he had to say about her.

So, life carried on for me, and my design company worked out very well. I kept it personal and, therefore, I became closer to my clients, they also had a great habit of always coming back to me. My income had doubled within six months and things had changed for the better. I was still single and intended to keep it that way for a while. I enjoyed my friends company and I often had invites to Art Exhibitions and Social Do's. I was amazed at the amount of Celeb's who still asked me to their parties after all that time.

The last Christmas gathering I attended in London was rather sad. Craig asked me if I'd been invited and, if so, did I need an escort for the night. I replied yes to both and we made our plans. It was held at The Fitzpatrick Hotel in London. Very plush, it was, with its gold and red attire, reminding me of the Indian Restaurant in Wendover I went to once.

Everybody looked lovely in their tux and posh frocks, diamonds blinding me at every turn. Craig and I mingled, crossing paths occasionally. There were a lot of stars about, all on their best behaviour as well. I talked with people I hadn't seen for months and it was great to see some of them. I noticed the ones who didn't want to speak, they steered well clear of me that night. I had to laugh.

The party had been in full swing for a few hours and, already, there was pissed singing coming from somewhere. I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw Max walk into the room with Stevie and Chelsea.

I knew who she was straight away. Stevie had shown me a photo of her he kept in his wallet, the soppy git. She's a pretty girl with pretty blue eyes, about my height, slim, long dark hair and dark skin. I said she looked a lovely, young lady, he said she was.

That was the first time I'd seen Max since our night together. My face must have been quite a picture for Craig to ask what was wrong. When I didn't answer, he followed my gaze.

Suddenly taking my arm he briskly guided me towards the main bar. I think he felt he needed to do something to change the direction of my horrible glare. I remember it well, I suddenly felt sick and I was shaking inside. I focused on the double Scotch Craig had physically put in my hand and downed it in three. My eyes filled with tears as the heat of the fluid burnt outwards and over me.

After a second, Craig smiled. 'You've got it really bad for him, haven't you?'

I looked at him, tears going back down inside, and said, sadly, 'That obvious, is it? What can I do, Craig? I'm no one to him ... He wants her, not me ...'

I walked away from the bar, heading towards the cloakroom. I needed to leave. I'd had a long day and that had signalled the end of it for me. I was so ready for sleep. Craig followed close behind and helped me on with my coat. I stood and gazed around the room as Craig collected his and requested our car.

Stevie and Chelsea were talking to a small group of people when Stevie saw me. Instantly he left his conversation, with an apology, and hurried over. His face was alight as he grabbed me in a big hug.

'Hello, stranger ... Where the hell ya been hiding? ... I've missed speaking to ya,' he beamed.

I explained that I'd been flat out. I apologised for not ringing and catching up with him.

He looked at me and grinned, 'Numb Nuts misses ya, real bad too ... Ya could have him if ya wanted, but I can appreciate ya don't wanna take on the nightmare he clearly is ... If only he could get his shit together, huh ... Sometimes I remind him of what he's said to me about ya ... But he always denies it, saying he was pissed at the time, the lyin bast'd ...'

I laughed and said, 'Stevie, you have to let it alone now, please ... He has his reasons for what he does ... I don't understand, and probably never will ... I couldn't live the way they do.' I smiled a sad smile up at him. 'It's not a life I'd want to live ... I couldn't be a part of that ... It's time to move on, sweetie ...'

He knew I was right and hugged me again.

'Where is he, anyway?' I asked.

'In the ballroom talkin to some Producer about our next music vid ... He wants to get involved, or some such bull ... I don't get their jargon so I leave it all to Max ... He knows the score ...'

Craig walked over, shook Stevie's hand, and then informed me the car was waiting.

I hugged Stevie, again, and smiled. 'You look after yourself, and give my love to Chelsea and ya Ma ... And have a really good Christmas, Stevie ... I'll be thinking of you ... We'll speak soon, promise ...'

He replied much the same as I left him standing in the foyer. I walked towards the door, looking over my shoulder, and then waved just as Max walked from another room. With that, I was out of the building and descending the hotel steps to the waiting car. Craig was already there with the door open as I reached him. I was going to stay the night with him and his wife, Katherine, and then train it home the next morning.

I climbed into the back. He shut the door and then went round the other side to get in. It seemed as if only a few seconds passed before it was opened again by Max. He was stood, looking in.

My heart leapt and then sank. I just didn't need it then.

Craig was asking me something but I wasn't listening. I was sat looking up at Max's lovely face and couldn't hear the outside world. Then Craig touched my arm.

I looked at Craig and smiled. He took one look at me and knew it wouldn't matter what he said, I'd already made up my mind.

Max's face looked sad as he asked, 'Please ... Come back inside with me ... I really need to talk to ya ... There's some things I'd like to say ...'

Saying my goodnights, and apologising to Craig, I climbed from the car. Before shutting the door I said, 'I'm sorry about this. I know you think I'm being really stupid ... But there's something about him, Craig ... I'll ring you soon ... Night ...'

I watched it out of sight before I turned to Max and, in a slightly irritated voice, said, 'You better have something worth hearing ...'

I walked back into the hotel ahead of him. I left my coat with the attendant, again, and walked back to the bar where I'd stood five minutes earlier. Max came and stood beside me.

He ordered two Jacks on the rocks then turned to me.

'I considered tryin to contact ya when I got back to Canmore, but Stevie wouldn't give up ya number ... Said somethin about me not earning it yet ... I had things I wanted to say to ya back then, maybe I can say them to ya now.'

He looked down into his glass as he swilled the ice in a small circle.

I stayed silent, watching him. There was that little boy lost thing again.

I chirped up with, 'Yeah, right, you bloody liar.' It came as a huffed out a laugh. 'Where's Anna-Lee, then?' I asked, my eyes swinging from his out into the crowd surrounding us.

His gaze instantly shot up to my face as his expression changed.

'She's back home, I'm guessin ... I ain't seen her for months ... We've been in Europe ...'

I downed my drink in two mouthfuls and blinked with tired eyes.

'What the hell do you want from me, really, Max? Why have you dragged me back in here? You can't say you're lonely, not in a room full of people like this ... Now is your chance to shine, Max, don't let it pass you by.'

I was looking around the room as I spoke my monotone words.

Stevie saw us together and came walking over with a quizzical expression as if to ask, 'Thought ya'd gone, already?' He seemed annoyed that I was with Max as he approached.

He stopped, pointed at me, but then spoke to Max.

'How come Tee's back here? I just see her leaving with Craig ... Now, I know she's good ... But not even she can be in two places at once.'

He was being overly sarcastic and Max didn't find it very funny.

He looked at his brother with contempt and spat, 'Fuck-off, Stevie ... This is between me and her ... We got things we need to talk about ...'

That was Max trying to control himself the best he could.

I could see Stevie was a bit pissed-up by then, and knew it could kick-off at any moment. I grabbed Max's arm and walked away, taking him with me.

'I'll take him back to your hotel ... Where is it?' I asked, turning back to face him momentarily.

Stevie replied, angrily, '... Here ...'

Thinking that one problem had just been solved, I dragged Max to the reception, collected my coat, yet again, and got his key-card. I felt knackered as we walked in silence from the lift to his room. All I wanted to do was lie down and sleep for weeks. I felt a bit pissed too so that didn't help much either.

His suite had a wonderful view out over London. The city's Christmas lights twinkled in the cold night, but it was nice and warm from where I saw them. I stood by the window with my coat on wishing I was in my bed drifting into a deep sleep. I didn't want to close my eyes just in case I nodded off standing up.

Max was silent as he poured us both a drink then joined me at the window looking into the night. I took my glass and smiled at him. Not understanding exactly why I was there, I walked away and sat in a club chair.

'Max ... We can't carry on like this,' I said to his back. 'I don't want to be in this situation every time we meet somewhere. After what happened in L.A. I thought you'd had what you'd wanted from me and that was that ... I don't mean to offend, but it's as simple as this ... It's her or me ... But you made your choice ... So, why are we here, doing this, now?'

He stood silently by the window. All I could hear was ice against glass as he sipped his drink and looked out over the lights. Eventually he turned.

'If I asked you to come away with me somewhere, anywhere, and I said we never had to come back here, ever again, would you come with me?'

I couldn't really think straight anymore. I thought I'd actually fallen asleep, already, and was dreaming all of it. I asked him to repeat what he'd just said. He did. I had heard him right the first time.

Half asleep, I replied, 'That doesn't answer my question at all, Max ... I'm too tired for games and bullshit ... Please, tell me what this is all about then I can go home.'

He walked over and placed his drink on the table beside me before crouching down to take my hand in his. I looked at his serious face while he played with my fingers. Was he still messing with me?

'I was still just a stupid kid, really, when I met Anna-Lee ... She was the hot cheerleader the guys pulled off over ... I never thought I stood a chance.'

His eyes flicked over my face, their coolness leaving a touch trail. He paused, clearing his throat, then took a drink. After his slow swallow he continued.

'Her previous boyfriend was a real dude ... Had his bad-ass Harley and his cock-a-the-roost attitude ... I somehow got a look-in when our first band played at the bowling alley in town ... We were called Laid Back,' he chuckled. 'And, jeez, we were so shit ... But at least we learnt a few lessons and gained some valuable experience ... We, Stevie and me, both realised we wanted to do music for a living ... She picked me out at the gig ... Stood there watchin me all night ... Amazed me that someone like her even noticed someone like me ... I was all long hair and loud grunge ...'

I could see what she saw alright, raw talent, sex appeal and, one day, a huge bank balance.

'I must admit, I loved it,' he half smiled, 'she was all over me like a damn rash ... The sex was mind blowing too, and we sure had some crazy ole nights ... But then, it's always good in the beginning I guess ... Huh,' he laughed, 'if I knew then ... Well, it don't matter much now anyhow ... But we do ...'

He sighed loudly, before smiling at my tired look.

'I've taken a lot a time thinking about what I'm about to say to ya ... I know ya have a life here, and ya work is ya world, but ... I need ya in my life too, Tee.'

He was smiling as he spoke, his aftershave teasing my senses.

'You made me see things in a different way, and I want that in my life every day ... Anna-Lee loves herself and the money ... I'm just there to supply whatever, whenever ...'

His gaze turned to the window.

'Well, I reckon it's time I dump her skanky ass for good ... I hate my life with her ... I need to get her away from me ... I wouldn't go back to her even if her butt was decked with diamonds ... She always drags me down to her level. I see you and you love life, ya don't run away ... Ya see the value of every day and what you can achieve ... I just want you and to get on with my life, and my music ... That's all ...'

I was stunned as I listened to what he was saying. I took in every word and it sank all the way in. His face was so lovely, and I so wanted what he was saying, but I couldn't help but feel, when he'd sobered up, it would all be different again. I'd even thought he was trying for a quick shag, but he wasn't playing that game, not that night. It was quite serious for Max, even though he was quite pissed.

I couldn't work him out, and I'd had enough for one night. I just wanted to sleep and not go over crap I didn't understand anymore. It was as if he wanted a certain fantasy to come true, but couldn't handle the changes that came with it.

I rose, suddenly, in front of him, and stalked to the telephone to book a cab. Before I'd got the receiver to my ear, Max had pulled it from my hand and slammed it down again, angrily. By the look on his face, he'd just about lost patience with me.

He grabbed the wrist that held the receiver and spun me round to face him. The other arm was around my back, and before I had a chance to say a bloody word, his lips came into contact with mine and the fight in me ceased. We stood kissing, him holding me very tightly in his arms, as I melted away into nothingness.

I don't know how long we'd been there, like that, when he pulled away and looked at me. His face was alight with something I'd not seen in him before. That was my first glimpse of love in those blue eyes. I must have worn the same stupid look as he pulled me to him, again, for another long, hot kiss.

We fell onto the bed, still in each other's arms, and I was still in my coat, but I hadn't noticed. Max kissed all over my face in gentle movements. His lips brushed softly over my eyebrows, making my nose twitch. He chuckled and smiled down at me.

I felt amazing laying there beneath him. The only thing that troubled me was how I was starting to feel about him. I could be in for some real heartache if it all went wrong. Everything rode on what happened that night. I wanted to stay. I wanted to make love. I wanted him. I wanted it all, but how would it work?

I knew him and he needed dramas in his life. I would only be exciting for a while and then, would I, one day, become another Anna-Lee? I didn't want that. I would take the memories and let them be enough. I tugged away and sat up on the bed, looking back at Max. By his look, he knew what I was going to say.

His eyes turned sad as he said, 'Ya don't have to say anything ... I know what it is before ya say it. I can feel how ya feel and I hate this as much as you do ... I don't want ya to go, but I know ya will, and soon enough ...'

I wanted to whisper, 'I do love you... I do ...'

But the words stayed inside, along with the pain and the tears. I wanted to hold him close and say all the right things. I wanted it all to be okay and for us to be happy, together. I wanted to be anywhere as long as he was there. But how would it ever work?

Instantly I hated it all, him, the situation, his life, my life and everything besides. A flood of anger swept through me and my whole attitude changed in that second. I was pissed-off that he'd made me feel that way, and that he had no right to treat me as he had. He hadn't tried to find me. He could have found me if he'd really wanted me, I knew that for sure, he only had to look me up, for Christ's sake, it's not that hard to do a bloody online search. L.A. had happened months before, he'd not contacted me once since then, the bast'd. I knew he'd been touring and recording, but it wouldn't have taken five minutes of his life just to mail me or call me at my office.

He'd not needed to explain, his lack of action was a clue. When he hadn't tried, I hadn't tried. He knew, back then, how I felt about the Anna-Lee affair, and I wasn't going to get involved in that mess. So, in effect, we both let it go. We didn't have much of a choice after those two got back together anyway. She hadn't let Max leave her sight for weeks after their little fracas.

On the verge of angry tears, I rose from the bed and made for the door. Max saw my need for escape, but it wasn't over yet, he rose and followed. I did try to open it, but he slammed the few inches shut in my face. I stood with my forehead on the cold wood as a tear rolled down my cheek. It was all I could do. Stand and cry.

Max put his arms around me from behind and held me. I wept quietly as everything inside welled up to choke me. I wanted to run away, then, and hide forever. I didn't want to be there, I hated everything that was happening. I wanted the whole world to stop so I could get out. I didn't want Max to want me. I didn't want to want Max. The torment in me was a ball of red hot needles trying to expand.

Max turned me by my shoulders so I was facing him. My head fell forward onto his chest as the tears came to a soggy end. I used my coat hem to wipe my face, making Max laugh at me, for once, acting a slob. He walked me to the couch and we sat down, my hand in his. I'd fallen silent, not knowing what else to say. He was looking at me, smiling.

I was more tired than ever, my mascara had run with the tears, and I just wanted to sleep. I slid sideways, my head coming to rest in his lap. I let out a long, tired sigh as he started running his hand over my forehead and across my hair. All I remember after that is closing my eyes and drifting into sleep while he softly hummed a familiar Ea$y melody.

When I awoke, all was quiet. A lamp glowed in the corner of the room opposite me, I was still on the couch, a blanket over me, and I was still wearing my coat. It was 5:15 a.m. as I looked around for Max.

He was asleep in the super king-size bed, taking it all up, starfish style. By the light in the corner I crept over and smiled down at him. He looked so peaceful. I didn't want to wake him, not to leave him, I couldn't do that. I knew he would make me stay, and I knew I had to leave.

I went to the unit by the phone and taking some paper I wrote, 'Max, if things were different, I'd leave with you tomorrow, but I think you know that. I can't change everything for nothing, I'm sorry. Please, don't think I don't care, I do, very much x Tee x'

I crept back over to the bed and stood the note against his bedside phone. I smiled down at him as I memorized his features. Then I left, shutting the door quietly behind me.

It was the hardest thing I'd ever had to do. I'd realised then I did love him, but knew it may never be told to the person concerned.

Right Outta Rowley

Well, spring came and still no contact. Life carried on and still I would have loved to have been near Max every day. Craig was probably the only one who knew the depth of it all. I never had to tell him, he could just see it in me somehow.

Even my closest mates had noticed the change in my personality. I became quite withdrawn and they weren't used to a solemn Tee. Sis took me to one side because she thought I'd acquired a drug habit. I explained it wasn't anything that exciting and the problem would eventually fade away. They then backed off a bit, and I knew they were always there if I needed them. I only had to pick up the phone and someone would talk sense into me.

Spring led into summer and on it went. I carried on with business and I enjoyed the work, the clients making it all worth my while. I never really let Max take over my thoughts but he did have a way of popping into my head. Every so often, the radio would play a track of theirs, and he'd be right there in the room, standing in front of me, smiling. I would lose myself in the memories and be quiet for a time.

I lived each day hoping he'd call or come and get me. He never did, and I thought he'd gotten over it, so, I tried to push him to the back of my mind. Craig told me, on numerous occasions, to forget him and leave him in his own dirt. He never understood why I felt about Max the way I did but, then again, neither did I. I couldn't put my finger on it. It might have been the bast'd in him, maybe the fabulous sex probably had an awful lot to do with it. He was so not me, but I suppose opposites attract and all that jazz.

Somehow, and this is the weird part, he had managed to wriggle himself under my skin and, even with time, I couldn't get over whatever it was I had going on for him. So, on I went, keeping up the pace with work and razzing it up, when I could, whilst making the best of each day, knowing at the end of it I had achieved as much as possible. That suited me fine and I just plodded forever onward, content with what I had around me.

It was about a fortnight before my planned vacation to Canada, in the August, that I received a call from Stevie. It was so nice to hear from him after all those months. We hadn't spoken since I saw him at the Christmas Party. We chatted about the gifts we got, some better than others. We laughed about things we'd recently done and generally caught up. I told him about my planned trip to Canada and he was really excited about me visiting his homeland.

I gave him the details of the hotel and the dates, saying, 'Look me up ... It'd be great to see you, Stevie ...'

He said he could do better than that and would love to show me the sights of his home town, Rowley. It was in Alberta, so, as my hotel was in Edmonton, I wouldn't be far away. With that, I was about to end the call when he said something that stopped me.

'... Shit, Tee-bird, Max was involved in a car smash last week ... His stupid ho was high and drove them off the road ... The crazy bitch managed to hit the only God damn building sat in the whole field ... She's okay, sadly,' he sounded quite disappointed, 'but Max has a few minor injuries and is staying at Ma's for a few days ... Jake and Dan are taking time to rest and write some new material ... The touring has finished now, and I think we all need this time with our families ...'

When he fell silent and I didn't know what to say. In my head anything would do, but I should have thought about it first.

'I'm glad he's okay, Stevie ... But ... I'll come out now if you need me ...'

I heard it slip from my lips. I couldn't believe I'd actually said it aloud. Why do I always do that? I knew then I'd been heard.

'Great! ... When can ya get here by? ... I'll meet ya at the airport,' replied a very happy voice down the line.

Three days later, and after a whole load of shit being sorted at home, I walked into the beautifully warm sunshine of Edmonton. I still hated flying, and I still felt like crap from chucking-up all the way over on the plane but, somehow, the sunshine made that all go away.

The night flight had seemed to go on forever and I'd lost track of time, stomachs ago. The clock outside arrivals had said 11:30 a.m. but I wasn't convinced that was right. I must have looked like shit when Stevie saw me and ran over. I felt hollow inside, my heart beat an echo in an empty cavern. He took my bag and smiled at the sad expression I had on my face.

'Ya'll be staying at my place, not that damn hotel ... Don't worry, I've already cancelled ya reservation ... Hope ya don't mind?' he chirped, his words coated with an apology.

I couldn't be arsed with arguing, anything was great from my side of tired eyes. I felt like the walking dead as we bustled our way to the waiting car. I smiled when I saw the long, white Limo parked at the entrance.

I had to laugh as Stevie smiled, 'See ... Who says I got no style or taste?'

He stretched out his arm in a gesture of 'This way, Madame', as I walked over with my luggage and climbed into the car, the driver holding the door open for me. Once loaded we were off.

Stevie eventually took the seat next to me and was still grinning like a gimp.

'I can't believe ya came,' he beamed, the sight of his face a welcoming thing to see.

I was so tired I just sat there, smiling.

Our journey took us from Edmonton to Rowley via roads I vaguely remember. I spent the first part of the journey watching the world flick passed my window, people and tall buildings becoming a continuous blur. As the city receded my eyes settled on the horizon of a whole new world and, as my head fell sideways onto Stevie's shoulder, the last things I focused on were the pylons skipping a line across golden fields.

I woke up as the car pulled through the gates to Stevie's ranch and cruised up to the front of his beautiful house. The driver's hand helped me from the car and still bleary eyed, I looked around my new surroundings. I remember thinking it was my kind of place.

A lovely location, horses running loose over open country and the sun beating down on my face. For the first time in ages I felt quite alive. The sleep in the car had been enough to make the nausea subside and I felt quite good, considering. The smell of mountain air cleared my senses as I walked, arm in arm, with Stevie towards the big front doors.

'... Hi, Honey ... We're home,' Stevie called across the cavernous black and white tiled hall.

'Bout time,' she called back. 'Where the hell is she then? ... I been waiting ages to meet this woman ... She better be worth it.'

Chelsea was in the kitchen, smoking a joint, pink Die For hoodie over white shorts, flip-flops slapping on the marble floor as she moved.

Stevie did the introductions and we connected straight away. Her infectious laugh had me smiling as quickly as I learnt that we both had the same taste in clothes. I laughed allowed when I saw her flip-flops were also Jimmy Choo. Our joint sense of humour created a tie not even Stevie saw happening, bless him, and so our friendship was forged.

She'd made a pile of food and laid it out over the counter. I didn't need telling twice and dived straight in. Suddenly I needed to consume lots of food and it all looked so good. The clear, sweet air had certainly agreed with me, and I couldn't have got it at a better time.

The three of us sat and talked about Christmas and all the things that had happened with Max and Anna-Lee. This was the first time I'd heard her name mentioned in a while, seems she still had a hold, then.

Stevie explained that Max was trying to dump her at the time. The crash was her way of saying okay then. I said, whilst laughing, maybe he shouldn't have dumped her while she was in control of his fave E-Type, the knob.

Chelsea sat, listening, giggling to herself, as she rolled joint after joint. Even I joined in at one point, the temptation too much to resist. I hadn't had a smoke in ages, and it smelt better sat out by their pool, for some reason. The taste of the weed was really nice and I savoured the smell that lingered. Stevie was quite surprised to see me having a toke. I didn't feel a need to tell him I'd smoked it, on and off, for years. It kind of slipped my mind at the time, as it tends to. Eventually, after the gossip ran out, he smiled over at me.

'Tee,' he grinned, 'ya one of the nicest people, I think, I ever met ... You've done more for me, in the time I known ya, than some of my so called lifelong friends ... I just need to ask ya one more favour ...'

My head dropped forward, passing him the joint, as I asked with a sideways grin, 'What now, Stevie? I can only imagine it has something to do with your lovely brother ... Am I right?'

With the look of an injured soul he replied, 'Yeah, it has ... I only want ya to see him, while he's at Ma's ... Please say you'll come with me tomorrow ... I know she wants to meet ya ... I'm always telling her about ya ...'

I raised my eyebrows and said I'd think about it if he took me riding, soon. Before taking in anything else, I said I needed to sleep, shower and get settled. Chelsea had made up my room, set on the ground floor, overlooking the pool and meadow beyond. There were towels waiting in my en-suite with a girly dressing gown, hung, and ready for my use.

Closing the curtains, I pulled off the travelling clothes that seemed welded to me by then. I chucked them in a bag and forgot them as I drifted off to sleep on the comfortable king-size bed. No sooner had I closed my damned eyes it seemed Stevie was there, waking me up again.

'... Come on, sleepy-head ... There's fresh coffee on ya bedside ...'

I heard his voice and smelt the aroma of lovely, fresh coffee. My eyes opened slowly and I looked at him. He was sat at the end of the bed with an old, brown cowboy hat in his hands.

Tossing it at me, he smiled, 'That's an old hat of mine ... From when I was a youngster ... You'll be needing something on ya head today ... If ya wanna ride, that is ...'

I was wide awake with the offer of seeing his ranch from horseback, refusing was out of the question. By the time I'd finished my coffee and had my shower, Stevie had two horses saddled and ready to ride.

I asked Chelsea if she was going to join us, but, as she pointed out in her southern drawl, 'I don't much like horses and, well, honey ... They just don't like me ...'

I left her in the kitchen as I walked out the back and met Stevie stood by an old corral. He had two horses waiting and, as I reached him, he turned and smiled. In that moment, I saw Max in his face, and it made me smile right back. Within minutes, we were mounted and heading out across lush farmland towards the mountains.

The scenery was breath-taking and my heart felt like bursting with the beauty of it all. I rode, silent, looking in all directions, taking in all the trees and the flowers. The meadow was alive with insects feeding on the abundant nectar, and birds hovered over the tall grasses that swayed in the breeze. We didn't need to speak. My face must have shown what I was thinking and Stevie was the best company for riding. He'd also fallen quiet as we meandered over the pastures and beyond.

After some serious time in the saddle, we came to a small stream cutting through a field. Stevie pulled to a halt on the bank and climbed down. It was lovely and cool in the shade of the trees as he held my horse so I could dismount. We sat and took in the silence that was randomly broken by insects flitting passed.

Resting against the fallen tree, I looked at Stevie with a daydream smile.

'This has got to be the loveliest place anybody has ever taken me ... Thanks for this, Stevie ... Look at those mountains ... What a sight, simply amazing ... I feel so small ...'

Chewing on a long blade of grass, he perched beside me and slowly smiled, 'Tee-bird, if you were my girl, I'd take ya everywhere with me ... Ya must be one picky bitch to still be single,' he ended with a chuckle.

My eyes moved to settle on his as I joined him in his action.

'That's very kind of you ... I think.' I paused before I continued. 'My problem is, Stevie, I can't find all the things I want in one man ... I don't think he even exists ... I keep looking but I just can't find him ... I thought I had, once, maybe twice, but, I don't know ... Maybe one day, aye?'

I huffed out a laugh at my own thinking.

'... Sometimes I wonder if I'm meant to be alone ... I don't have a good track record with guys, as you know ... I guess it'll happen, if it's meant to, one day ... At the moment, I kinda don't care either way, if you know what I mean?' I spoke into the dry breeze, the sun hot to my upturned face.

He didn't say anything, he just rested next to me, chewing his grass and staring into the middle distance, a slow smile coming to his lips.

'Come on you ...' He slapped my leg playfully as he moved to the stream's bank, scratching his head. '... Let's make tracks back. We'll save this for another day ...'

It would have been nice to sit and talk more but we'd covered quite a bit of distance in the hour that we'd ridden. He looked at his horse, which was stood a few feet away in the shallower water still drinking, and waded over to grab its reins. Mine hadn't really moved far and was grazing nearby. I mounted up and walked her over to him.

'... Okay ... You win,' I said, looking down at him, 'I'll go with you tomorrow ...'

I turned away and, whilst putting my heels to her sides and shouting, ' _Yeah'_ , sped off in the direction we'd ridden from, our path easy to spot through the long grasses.

I heard Stevie let out a loud, 'YEE-HA, MUTHAFUCKA.'

After a little while he caught up with me, laughing and shaking his head.

'I just knew it ... I just knew ya would,' he called, as his horse bolted ahead of mine, across the meadow, in the direction of home.

By the time I rode into the yard, Stevie was unsaddling a foaming horse. I trotted across and came to a halt beside him.

Looking down I smirked, 'Christ, you nearly lost me there ... And if I'd known yours was faster, I would have taken him ... Yours is like the Lamborghini of the horse world, whereas mine is like a well-loved heap of old Ford Escort ...'

The mare I was on seemed old and lethargic compared to his young, black gelding. When the saddles sat together and the bridle hung from the fence, we chatted as we walked the horses over to a field were another eight grazed in sunshine. Stevie slapped the warm rump and his charged off to join the waiting group that stood watching us. Mine sort of ambled into the field, happy that it had, at last, lost its heavy burden and evil side kicker.

Walking around to the veranda, I flaked into their old swinging chair. It was a pleasant peaceful feeling, sat, watching the sun go down beyond the ridge. Chelsea came out to join us, she sat next to Stevie, cutting some cocaine into thin white lines.

She offered, but I declined saying, 'No thanks, not my thing ... But you feel free ...'

I was sat, long Jack and cola in one hand, smoking a joint instead and, eventually, I just had to ask.

'So, Stevie ... You haven't said whether Anna-Lee is at your Mum's.' I looked into my glass and then up to his face. 'Can I expect to meet her there as well?'

He looked over at me and said, 'Hell, no ... That piece a horseshit's in Texas with her Mama ... And I pray to God she fuckin stays there, and gets trampled to death in a God damn stampede ...'

He finished by laughing loudly in a sinister way, as if he knew something was likely to happen to her. It did make me wonder if he'd arranged for her to have an accident. I wouldn't be surprised where Stevie was concerned. He can be a cunning bugger sometimes and, I'm sure, knows a few undesirables that would have solved the problem, no questions asked.

Chelsea, along with most people, had always hated her. And, as she told me that night, all sat together, they'd almost come to blows at their moving-in party.

'Anna-Lee had been doing lines in the bathroom, snorting off the john lid, by all accounts, while one of my oldest friends, Tahlia, was having a few laughs with Max. Unfortunately, Anna-Lee walked back into the room and caught them laughing together. She thought Tahlia was making offers to Max he just wouldn't refuse, so, Anna-Lee being Anne-Lee, she barged over, grabbed Tahlia by the roots of her hair, and dragged her through the open doors behind.'

Chelsea, meanwhile, was pulling at Anna-Lee's hair but, the dicey bitch was so strung out she couldn't actually feel anything. Anna-Lee managed to drag Tahlia around to the patio and throw her into the deep end of the new pool. There was just one problem. It was empty. Tahlia had no broken bones but it ended the party mood for that night.

Max, after laughing his arse off, was told to remove the problem, or Stevie was going to dump the fuckin ho in the pool with two broken legs. They'd left as soon as Max could get her in the car and drive away without her punching his lights out. Stevie reckoned that he must have plugged her one to stop her from fighting back, an action Stevie would have committed with no worries at all, if only he'd been asked.

'So, she wasn't there, then,' I thought to myself, as I smoked my joint, my mind wandering.

It was really chilled way to unwind, sat there, listening to the warm night and the banter between them two. It was so lovely sitting away from all the noise of life and the living. The only sounds came from the horses in the distance, and the insects attracted to the veranda fairy lights glowing above our heads.

The hours slipped by as the three of us chatted about their last tour and how good it felt when they got back home. We munched through leftover's Chelsea brought out on a tray, the Jack resurfaced after dinner, and we all mellowed out nicely. Chelsea was sat quietly at Stevie's side and cuddled into him as she drifted in her cocaine haze. I looked over at them and spoke softly.

'Guys, I'm wacked, I need to sleep ... I'll see you lovely people in the morning ... Night ...'

With that, I kissed them both where they sat, and walked into the house, leaving them behind to enjoy that stunning night.

The next morning was just as perfect as the day before. The weather was fantastic and the sun blazed down as I sat, alone, on the patio. I was up quite early, had made myself breakfast, and was taking in the peaceful view when Stevie came outside.

He looked like crap. He walked over to the lip of the pool and stepped over the edge and in. I sat laughing at the way he'd just disappeared. He went straight down as he smiled over at me, like a captain stood on the deck of his sinking ship. He swam to the edge and pulled himself out, shorts dripping.

Grinning like a mischievous child, I could see exactly what was going through his little head. Before he had a chance to run over and grab me, I'd run around the other side of the table, dropped my dressing-gown onto the floor, and dived into the clear water. I was wearing my holiday boxers and vest-top to sleep in, just as well really, at home I slept naked.

He seemed disappointed in his fun being quashed, but jumped in anyway. I swam over and sat on the steps of the pool, water up to my chest. When Stevie joined me, he was still grinning.

'What are you thinking about?' I asked. 'You've got a mischievous little look on your face ... What are you up to?'

He looked my wet torso up and down then made his reply.

'If I were Max, and saw ya like ya are now ... I'd dump that fuckin ho like a firecracker ... Honey, you're just too good for that stupid brother a mine ... I swear to God, if he ever hurts ya, and I find out about it, I'll kick his dumb ass from here to Kingdom Come ...'

I was watching his face as he said his words, I knew he meant them.

'Stevie, why do you take such good care of me? ... There's nothing special about me ... I'm nobody really.'

I was looking into his lovely blue eyes. I could see myself reflected in them.

'What? ... Nothin special about you ... Are ya kidding me, Tee? Ya did somethin that no one else has ever done ... Ya kicked Max in the ass, somehow ... Now he wants to move onwards and upwards ... I haven't seen him like this in years ... I think he's done with Little Miss Ho-down ... He wants a life without that shit, I hold you responsible for that ... And I thank you ... Now, can we get on with the rest of our lives and do what we gotta do ...?'

He looked towards the fields, the vista spread out before us, as he continued.

'... Things change and time moves on. Maybe my baby brother is finally growin up,' he chuckled. 'And about time, too, wouldn't ya say?' His face turned to me as he smiled. 'I'm able to talk to ya like I've known ya all my life ... So I find it mighty funny I've only known ya for as long as I have. I enjoy ya company, ya slam Jack and ride a horse like a guy, and, jeez, ya can have me laughing, to the point of peeing my pants, with that accent of yours ... Girl, all of that makes ya kinda special to me... And ya seem to put ole Numb Nuts in his place, too... So, ya see, right now, you rock, honey ...'

Chelsea came wondering out of the kitchen and smiled when she saw us, she knew what had been happening. It didn't take much working out seeing as we were still sat in the shallow end. Apparently, he was always trying to throw someone into the bloody thing, it was his way of showing them how nice and big it was.

We whiled away a few more hours by the pool, jumping in when the time felt right. Chelsea had resumed her building of joints, which she was very quick at, and we smoked and laughed the morning away. After lunch Stevie suggested we made a move over to his Ma's. He let her know he was on his way, but still said nothing of who he'd have with him.

I was worried that Max might freak out or something, but Stevie told me he wouldn't dare in front of Ma. He saved most of that behaviour for Anna-Lee, it seemed like it was only her, plus the booze and narcotics, that brought that out in him.

We arranged to meet back at the ranch later that night. As we left in the pickup, Chelsea left to go into Edmonton to do food and beer shopping. Waving from car windows we headed in different directions at their gateway.

The open roads in Canada always amaze me. You can drive for miles and see nothing but fields, mountains and the occasional person on a journey of their own. Apexes loom in the distance and some still have snow capping them, whilst farms and homesteads are dotted about in the vast swathes of land.

His Ma lived a way away, just outside Ponoka. I can't say that I took much notice of signs at the time. I can't say that I even saw any, but Stevie knew where he was going. In his faithful cowboy hat and wraparound shades, he nodded his head to the beat of the bass, fingers tapping on the roof outside.

The countryside is so stunning across the flatlands. The pockets of towns and smallholdings scatter the view as trees stretch paths of dappled shade beyond wild meadows. The warm air gives a slow, dreamy feel as the landscape stretches into infinity. The nice music on the stereo fitted the setting perfectly. My head, nodding to the beat, drifted in a kaleidoscope of sunlight whilst listening to lyrics about summertime and moonshine.

It was the middle of the afternoon when we pulled up outside the beautiful double fronted house. The garden stretched down to the main road, the lawn, green and lush. Tidy flowerbeds sat in full bloom, the aroma caught on the warm breeze.

Stevie was out first and came around to open my door. We walked up the wooden steps and he rang the bell. I suddenly felt awful turning up like that. I turned to Stevie and gave him an uncomfortable grin.

He smiled back, put an arm around my waist and said, 'Don't sweat it, Tee ... She already likes ya ... I told her about ya and how cool ya are and ... Don't worry about Max, I'll deal with him ... You're my guest, okay ...'

Somehow it made me feel a little easier and, as the door opened, I knew it was shit or bust. His Ma grabbed him and gave him a big hug. After the hello's and introductions we all went and sat in the kitchen. Stevie asked about Max. He was still upstairs in bed. The doctor insisted that he rested for at least two weeks with those injuries.

She made us coffee and opened a big tin of homemade cookies. Stevie and I instantly pitched in. The munchies, from a morning of getting stoned, hit us with a fury, and the cookies were divine. She asked me, and I told her, what I was doing for work. Stevie had given her the lowdown, every so often, as we'd kept in touch since doing the album cover nearly two years previously.

She looked at him and smiled, 'If my Stevie thinks you're an okay gal, well, ya can't be all that bad. He rarely gets it wrong about people, thank the Lord ... Unlike the other one,' she nodded in the direction of upstairs, 'he very rarely gets it right, but, he'll get there, one day ...'

Stevie looked over at me and smiled. She really was a lovely Ma, he was certainly right there. He wanted to see if Max was awake so she gave him a tray to take up.

Turning to me, he smiled, 'Be back in a minute ... I'll see if he's awake yet, and if he is, I'll tell him I've got a huge surprise down here for him, okay ...?'

I nodded and he headed off up the stairs.

She insisted I called her Beth, short for Elizabeth. She was born and brought up in Tennessee. Her family had run moonshine in their day. Her husband had moved them to Canada before they'd started their family. When a job had come up, he took it. There wasn't much land left in the south so going north seemed to make sense at the time. As it happened, it was a very good move indeed.

'... That's all a long time ago, now, though ... Come a long way since then ...'

Her eyes were distant as she looked at a photo on the sideboard, a young her and a young man on a beach, I guessed, in the early 60's.

We talked about the boys and when they were little. They'd owned the farm just outside Rowley when her husband was still alive. The boys had spent their childhood running over the meadows that Stevie now owned. After Charles, or Les, died, she couldn't run the farm alone, and the boys were still too young for school and work. She'd sold up and moved nearer the city and, as the boys had grown up, in-between their troubles, they'd started getting into music. When Max took to playing the guitar and singing their career started to set roots. She'd kept up with everything since then, even had scrap books full of newspaper cuttings collected from all over the place.

The conversation, inevitably, came back to Max and the car accident. He'd not wanted to tell her exactly what had happened, and she felt she should wait until it was his time to talk about it. Her remarks about Anna-Lee were rather sad. Beth obviously knew quite a bit about her and, when I looked over, she had a bit of a faraway look on her face.

'They've been sweethearts since they was in their teens. I remember the first night she came here. Max was besotted with her and, my, how pretty she was. I thought he'd found a real nice girl, but after she'd attended college in Vancouver she just weren't the same anymore.'

Her eyes turned hard as she continued with, 'Sometime, after that, I found out she'd got mixed up in drugs and was drinkin most nights. She just won't change now, and I think Max has come to the end of the line where she's concerned.'

The look she gave me made me think Beth felt sorry for Anna-Lee. Maybe she was a lost soul wandering.

I heard the stairs creek as Stevie came down them, bouncing like a ball. He was smiling and I noticed he was carrying something red in his left hand. He walked over and sat at the table with us, placing it in front of Beth and me. We looked at each other, puzzled.

Still smiling, Stevie turned to me and said, 'Open that, will ya? ... Tell me what ya think ...'

I reached out, took the little box and opened it. Inside was the biggest princess cut diamond I'd ever seen. It looked as if it was set in silver, but Stevie took some pride in saying it was, in fact, platinum.

'God,' I said, 'I think I know who this is for ...'

Stevie laughed as I passed the box to his Ma to examine. She was grinning like a Cheshire cat as she realised what it could mean.

'Stevie, don't tell me ... Ya gonna make an honest woman of Chelsea after all these years?

She was looking at him over the top of the small box.

'Hell, no ... I didn't buy it ... Max did,' he replied quietly.

He was looking at me with a rather odd expression on his face. I kind of knew what was coming.

'Don't tell me he's gonna ask Anna-Lee to marry him, Stevie ... Please, say he isn't?' His Ma's voice was full of disappointment.

I heard a noise behind me and, turning, saw Max come, slowly, down the stairs. Stevie was still grinning as his Ma closed the box, putting it back in the centre of the table. The feeling that washed over me, when I saw him, made me tingle a little.

Nervously, I looked up at him as he came over to sit with us. His eyes seem to be resting on the small box that held all our attention. Sitting down, our gaze shifted to him. The first to be graced by his steely blues was me, and I suddenly felt very uncomfortable.

His Ma offered more fresh coffee so I asked if I could help, whilst trying to take as little notice of Max as possible, or show how I really felt at that moment in time.

She declined, so I sat there feeling terrible. I just wanted to get out of there and go somewhere where Max wasn't. I thought to myself that since Stevie had seen how well Max was, couldn't we just go? I sat in silence as the two boys talked about band stuff and I tried to make myself invisible. It didn't work.

Max turned to me, eventually, and smiled, 'I can't believe ya came all the way, out here, to see me ... And I thought ya hated flying.'

The deep chuckle that followed made me feel even worse. I grinned back at him, I had little else.

'Well ... This was meant to be my hard earned vacation ... But it was hijacked by some silly git having a car crash ... Sorry if my reason for being here is better than yours,' I grinned back at him, my eyes suddenly feeling cold in my head.

I couldn't sit there any longer. Without waiting for a reply from either of the boys, I got up and walked into the kitchen to ask Beth where the bathroom was. She walked me to the bottom of the stairs and explained up to the landing, middle door on the left.

I sat on the edge of the bath, breathing in big sighs, thinking, 'What the hell am I doing here? I really don't need this now.' But time wasn't standing still for me, and the minutes were ticking by. Eventually I thought I'd best go back down, maybe I could tell Stevie I felt unwell and he'd take me back to his place.

I was just opening the door as Max appeared on the landing. He didn't look happy as he walked over and blocked the doorway, which I was trying to get through at the time.

I looked up at him with sad eyes. 'Don't worry ... I'll ask Stevie to take me back to his. I can see you're not happy with me being here. I'm sorry it turned out crap, I don't want to piss you off.'

With that I tried to pass, but he caught my arm, turning me to face him.

'Do ya really think, now I got ya here, I'm gonna let ya leave so soon? I don't think so,' he smiled, the words almost a whisper, his blue eyes already melting the core I tried so hard to keep frozen.

I frowned at him, not knowing what to say. I was so confused about everything. I didn't want to make things any worse by saying something wrong. I just didn't want any more crap. This was supposed to be my well-earned holiday, full of relaxation and rest. I already felt like pants and Max wasn't making things any easier.

He looked down at me, smiled, then shook his head saying, 'Ya all I've thought about since Christmas. When I woke up, that next mornin, to find ya note, I thought I was gonna go crazy. She crashed the car the night I dumped her ... I think she fucked off to her folks in Mexico, she ain't been in touch since ... I told her, if she came back here, or turned up at my place, I'd phone the fuckin cops ... I don't want her anymore, Tee ... I want you ...'

'No you don't,' I retorted angrily, 'you want what I let you have in L.A. ... You must think I'm stupid. You sweep in and out of my life, when you feel like it, without any consideration for me or how I feel. You take what you want and go, that's how you are.' I could feel the tears rising, the heat flooding through me. 'You'll never change, you're just right for Anna-Lee, you are the perfect couple ... As fucked-up as each other ...'

I was so angry I could have punched him. With eyes full of tears, I shook him loose and stormed off, down the stairs, out of the front door and down the drive. I had no idea where I was going. I just knew I had to get out of that house and away from him.

Stevie ran out after me calling my name. I stopped dead in my tracks, big tears rolling down my cheeks. He came over, while I wiped them away, and stood in front of me, lifting my chin so he could see my washed-out face. I couldn't have been a very pretty sight.

He frowned. 'What's that dump-fuck said now? I swear to God, that brother a mine is as stupid as a sack fulla shit ... I can't stand this anymore ... I gotta have a few quiet words with him ...'

The tears ran, still, as I caught Stevie's elbow. 'Please don't ... Just take me back to yours, Stevie ... I don't want to be here anymore. It's been real nice meeting your Ma, but I can't deal with seeing Max ... Please, can we just go?'

He pulled me to him in a big hug. It's what forced the onslaught of tears out. We stood on the drive with me weeping into his chest for what seemed like ages.

I hadn't heard Max come outside until Stevie said, 'You're a fuckin asshole, Max ...'

Stevie was still hugging me as Max walked over, looking rejected.

He whispered, 'Honey, I deserved everythin ya just said to me, but please ... Listen to what I gotta say ... Before ya leave, anyway ...'

I looked at Stevie, then back at Max. I told Stevie we needed some time before we went. They glared at each other as Stevie walked back to the house, leaving us on the drive, alone.

Max walked over and took my left hand in both of his.

'Will ya come and stay at my place, please, just for a few days? There're so many things I have to say to ya. I would like it, very much, if ya'd say yes.'

As I looked up at him I thought how can I refuse. I didn't, I said, 'Okay, then ...'

He led me back to the house, still holding my hand. Stevie had given their Mum the rundown of what was going on. When we walked back into the house together she was stood by the kitchen door smiling.

Putting her arm around my waist, she grinned, 'My son has a funny way of showing affection but, if ya stick with him, ya might just be surprised.' She looked up at Max, her pretty eyes the same shade at his.

Stevie wasn't sure what was going on and was giving Max a hard stare. I walked over to Stevie and, taking his hand, said, 'Max has asked me to stay at his place for a few days, so we can talk ... Is that okay with you?'

Stevie grinned at me. 'Honey, if ya need this time with him, take it. I'll be right there if ya need me, and if ya do, just ring, I'll come straight over an get ya ... Any problems, ya know where I am.'

He hugged me again and, at that moment, I wished Max was little more like his big brother.

Stevie phoned Chelsea to say he'd be back the following day after running Max and me over to the lodge. Max had been told not to drive for a while so Stevie said he'd take us back. We would stay the night at his Mum's and then leave first thing in the morning. Max's home was in Canmore, not that far, but still quite a drive from Beth's, so we decided an early start was probably a good idea.

Beth showed me to the guestroom. The small window looked out over open farmland to the wild country beyond. The smell of the night filled my nostrils with the scent of heavenly foliage. The stars twinkled in the velvety blue sky as I knelt at the window wishing I owned all I saw. I was wearing a pair of Max's old jammies and they sort of fitted, it was just as well they had a drawstring waist really. I had the window pushed wide open, kneeling on the window seat, elbows on the sill, and my chin in the palm of my hand.

I found myself lost in that beautiful night, the moon, huge, and the stars like tiny torches. It pulled me into the loveliest sky I'd ever seen, and I was hypnotized by the view. I heard a noise behind me and, turning, saw Max in the doorway. I don't know how long he'd been there, but he had a dead cheeky smile on his face.

He laughed, 'Jesus, I bet I never looked that good in them ole things ... They suit ya way better, honey ...'

I turned back to the view and the magic of the stars, showing no reaction to his comment. He walked over and sat on the cushion next to me.

'What do you need to talk to me about, Max?' my words said into the night. I finally turned my face to him. 'I'm a bit confused about what's happening. I feel like I'm the only one who isn't getting the joke ... Do you know what I mean? I'm not sure where I stand with you and, I'm sorry, but that makes me feel a little uncomfortable ... Can you understand that?'

He smiled and said, quietly, 'Honey, this is not the place or the time for this. Tomorrow we can talk ... After Stevie leaves for home ... It's best said then ...'

'Okay,' I replied, 'tomorrow then ... I'm going to bed now ... Night,' and turned back to my stars.

I felt him kiss the top of my head but I didn't hear him leave. I was lost in the world beyond and that stunning night. The only thing I heard was the odd insect flit passed, every so often on the breeze, and a random dog bark in the distance. It was a glorious sight, and I wanted to imprint it into my memory forever.

The next morning Beth woke me early with breakfast in my room. After which, I was showered and dressed, ready for the day. I was a bit pissed that I hadn't any clean clothes so Beth leant me a few items of hers. I said I'd get them back to her as soon as I could.

'Whenever ... No rush ... I got lots a clothes to wear,' she smiled, giving my hand a friendly pat.

When I walked downstairs, Stevie and Max were ready to roll. The drive to Canmore would take about two hours, so leaving early meant the roads would be clear all the way. Just as well really, Stevie certainly had an enjoyment for driving fast. The journey didn't exist to me, again. Within twenty minutes of being on the road, my head had fallen against Max's shoulder and I was lost in a world of dreams.

'... Hey ... Sleepy-head ... We're here ...'

I felt Max's shoulder move and my eyes opened to a sight to behold. Every time I fell asleep, when I woke up again, I found myself in another wonderful place.

Tall Douglas Firs followed down the ridge from a mountain and came to rest behind a beautiful, big log cabin. This was built resting on a platform, reached by a wide wooden staircase. Windows ran all the way around, every room having sight of the scenery and the mountains that trailed into the distance. The retreat that Max had built was just where I'd seen him. That was where he needed to be, that was home.

The three of us climbed the steps and Max unlocked the double glass doors. The place took my breath away. I stood on the balcony and gazed back at the mountainside we'd just climbed in the pickup. I'd never imagined anything as awe inspiring as what lay before me. I looked across a low valley and a stream that ambled through the tall trees below us. The world had been washed clean and I was the first to see it.

The lodge, Max had to drag me into, was the size of a small warehouse. He showed me the open plan lounge/den, with its wall of floor to ceiling windows, leading to a nice open plan kitchen. The games room, with bar, was followed by the stunning office/library with its open fireplace. Next to this, and holding a collection of crystal and silver-plate awards, was a stunning dining room, the cherry wood table sitting centre and proud, its twelve ornately carved chairs surrounding it. Lastly, the three first floor guest suites, all very nice with their king-size tub and walk in shower.

Then came Max's rooms. I say _rooms_ because there were three of them. First was his stunning bedroom, with a window that looked out and down, across the valley. Between this, and the en-suite, sat the dressing room. With its nice three-seater couch under the window, it made for a great place to relax after an hour in the double tub, which sat in a bay window with a view to lose oneself in for hours. I was lost already, dreaming about the time I could waste wallowing in that, as he waffled on about his party size shower.

I thought all of it was pretty amazing. What a place, indeed, but it didn't end there though, did it? It was the huge basement studio I couldn't believe. It dawned on me then, the whole house was built over it, as well as another guest suite and the boiler/control room. How bloody big?

As we entered the vast space, heaving with instruments, Max caught me by the elbow. He turned me to face him.
'I can't believe you're here with me ... I've wanted to be alone with ya for so long I ...'

I didn't give him the chance to finish his sentence. I stretched up and kissed him.

'All this can wait ... Just until we're really alone ... Wait till Stevie's gone, can you? ... Please!' I smiled up at him, as he nodded a yes.

He took my hand as we walked around the room, him explaining the purpose of some of the equipment, with me trying to take it all in. I was amazed by the passion he showed as he talked. His blue eyes were full of excitement as he explained the process of producing a song. He knew his stuff and he loved it. Me, I was back there, still trying to work out what that did.

Stevie sat upstairs with the sports channel on the TV, we could hear him shouting as Max and I ascended the studio stairs. When we came back to the kitchen, Stevie had put the coffee pot on and was sat rolling a big joint.

He looked up briefly and grinned.

'Hey guys, if ya don't mind, I'll have a coffee, and this, then make tracks home ... I'd like to get back ... Chels'll still be in bed.' He raised his eye-brows as he spoke.

If he drove at his normal speed, he'd be back home by about midday. Chelsea was rarely up early on a Sunday morning. She would wake up at about 11 a.m. and then sit in bed with breakfast, her weed, and whatever movie was on telly. Nice way to spend a Sunday, I thought.

We watched the sport channel while we smoked and drank. Every so often Stevie and Max would shout abuse at the screen because of something they disagreed with. I sipped my coffee as I gazed around the rather tidy space. I hadn't seen a single item of Anna-Lee's since we got there. Max had removed every sign of her presence. It looked like a very clean bachelor pad, and there was no hint of a female whatsoever.

Stevie finished his coffee and stood to go, saying, 'What d'ya wanna do about ya luggage that's at my place? Ya want me to have it dropped off tomorrow, or ya wanna pick it up yaself?'

I ambled over to him. 'Can you arrange to have it dropped off for me, saves you running around and saves me getting lost trying to find your place?' I grinned.

'Yeah,' he replied, 'I can arrange that for ya, shouldn't be a problem. I can imagine ya don't wanna spend the rest a ya vacation wearing my Ma's clothes, do ya?' he chuckled as he pulled me into a hug.

'No, as nice as they are, I certainly don't,' I muttered into his shoulder with a giggle. 'You'll ring me when you get home? Just to let me know you're safe ... Promise me?'

'Okay, Mom,' he smiled, as he walked to the door and turned to Max. 'Take care, bro, and look after my girl ... I'll ring ya later, okay.'

He looked back over at me as he opened the door and winked.

Max and I followed onto the balcony to wave him out of sight. We stood close together, arms around each other, hands waving, faces smiling.

Next Go Round

Finally we found ourselves, at last, totally alone. In fact, as I was told, there wasn't another living soul around within a two and a half mile radius. I was leaning against the handrail when Max's arms slid around me from behind. He pushed his face into my hair and kissed my neck while pulling me into a tight hug.

I giggled from the tickle. 'Now, we can talk ... What is it you need to say to me?' I turned around to face him, his eyes coming down to rest on mine.

'There's been so much crazy shit in my life, I don't know where to start. It went on for years with Anna-Lee, same shit just a different day. She was a part a life that was killin me, and I just couldn't get beyond it. The first night ya came to the hotel in London, I was a real shit to ya, and ya still took care of me ... In L.A, I knew I should have stayed there and tried to make ya see how I feel ... But, I screwed up and went back to Anna-Lee, knowing I wanted to be with you ...'

He smiled down at me and then continued after a pause. 'Ya showed me ya cared ... And I didn't do a damn thing about it ... All I did do was get pissed, stoned, and try to run away ... But it didn't work ... I just couldn't stop thinkin about what I'd lost ...'

His eyes travelled away from mine and drifted towards the tree line.

'Stevie knew ... He said I was insane letting ya go after L.A without saying anything ... Even Craig had a few words after the Christmas party ... Can you believe it, he warned me off? ... He said, he didn't think ya needed the problems ... I wanted to ring ya a million times, but I just didn't know what to say to ya or where to start ...'

My eyes filled with tears as his face turned remorseful. I pulled him to me, my hands to his warm back as we stood holding each other.

After a while, Max pulled away, took my hand, and led me back into the den towards the couch. Sitting, he pulled me down next to him and gave me a serious look.

'I have something I've wanted to say to ya for a while now, but I haven't had the balls to say it. I've thought about it for such a long time, and I realised, if I don't say it, soon, I'll go crazy in the damn head ...'

I watched him as he said his words, the way his features moved, his eyes, and that dead cheeky way he grinned. He would look at me, then look away as he blushed a little, making me love him even more.

'There's a lotta things about ya I find very attractive ... You're all I need in this life, and I can't stand to be away from ya anymore ... It's like you're the piece of me that's been missing ... Every second you're beside me I feel like we're made to fit perfectly ... Ya give me an energy I've never known before ... And I'm a better man for being near ya.'

He finished talking and smiled at me. Yep, that little speech, alone, was worth several shags.

Looking into those perfect blue eyes I could have jumped him, but I had to concentrate on what he was saying. I was watching his lips move and I just had to kiss him. I pushed him backwards into the couch so he was lying down and I moved to lay on top of him, looking down into his lovely face. I kissed him again, this time, longer and a little harder. He smiled up at me, and I knew what was happening inside him, I could feel it rising.

He stretched up a hand and pushed his fingers into my hair, pulling me down, he kissed me gently. I let out a little sigh as his lips travelled along my jawline onto my neck, sliding me off him so I was laid on the edge of the couch. Very slowly, he unbuttoned the blouse Beth had lent me, and slid his hand inside onto my warm skin.

My body came alive, instantly. Standing up, I slowly peeled off the top that was half undone, thanks to Max. He sat up and pulled his t-shirt off over his head, throwing it onto the floor. It was then that I saw the bruises on his torso, the scratch marks and the huge welt running down from his underarm to hip.

I smiled down at him as he lent forward and unzipped my jeans, my fingers catching in his curls. His grin grew when he realised I wasn't wearing any panties, and my jeans where down in seconds. He was out of his and sat back on the couch by the time I'd taken my socks and bra off.

He was still smiling when I turned to him, naked, and asked, '... Where do we start then? ... Here? ... Or the studio ...?'

With his arms crossed, he looked up at me and smiled in a way that made me twitch a little on the inside.

Nodding, slowly, he purred, '... Let's start here, then see where it takes us ...'

He'd been quiet for a while, his cheek resting on my chest, when he finally said, 'I love you, Tee-bird ... And I want ya to come and live here, with me.'

I was speechless, lying on the couch with my arm bent behind my head, staring out of the window at the trees, naked. I'd heard what he'd said but didn't want to say anything yet, I couldn't actually speak anyway. I suddenly found myself in a very strange situation. I didn't know what I wanted, and my mind decided to go blank rather than come out with some random crap.

Max slid away to sit on the floor. He was leant against the couch when he finally spoke.

'Course, you'd be right to refuse ... Sorry, I didn't pick my moment very well, did I? ... I hadn't planned it like this ... I had a whole romantic thing worked out in my head ... But it got fucked up, somehow ... I'm sorry I spoilt it ...'

I looked at him with the question already in my eyes. 'Why won't you come to England? Don't you like it over there ...?'

I knew he'd have to be near his studio and his life of music, but I wanted him to say it and to be honest for once. I wanted to hear his feelings about things, see what the new Max was really like inside. Had he changed, or was he still a twat?

To my surprise, he replied, 'I belong here ... Surrounded by this ... I don't want to live anywhere else. I know I shouldn't ask that of ya, but ... Couldn't we live between the two places ...?'

That's when I first heard _we_. He was trying to compromise and talking as if I'd said yes. I watched his face as he smiled at me.

I laughed, and then whispered, 'Max, I love you, too, very much ... And I don't really care where we live ... As long as we're together ... That's all that matters, isn't it?'

He chuckled, grabbed me around the waist, and pulled me onto the floor, his hands all over me, tickling and pinching. I was laughing and trying to escape, but it was no use. He had hold and wasn't letting go. He suddenly stopped and looked down at me.

With this serious expression washing over his face, he said, 'Oh, Jesus Christ, ya know what this means ...?'

I looked up at him, suddenly worried that he'd forgotten to mention more crap involving Anna-Lee, or something just as hideous.

His eyes came alive with a devilish sparkle as he whispered, 'You'll have to marry me now, won't ya?'

Mine then suddenly narrowed as my smile spread, my hands coming up to slap at his face.

'Don't scare me like that, you sod ...'

Fending off the flying palms, he lay back down onto me.

'Ah, honey, I'm sorry ... Come here, let me kiss it better ...'

He bent forward and ran his warm lips along the edge of my jaw, my face turned to one side to withhold my own. As my eyes slowly turned back to his, he kissed my lips, very softly. All was forgiven as our naked bodies entwined on the rug, the sports channel still on in the background.

Max had asked me there and then, just like that. He reached over to his jacket and pulled the red box from the inside pocket. Looking at me, he opened it and took the ring out.

I stared at it, recalling Stevie's cheeky look the previous day when I was sat in their Ma's kitchen. He'd already known what was going to happen, and hadn't said a thing. I also, suddenly, got that elusive joke that had worried me so much. So, they'd all known. It was all planned, and Max explained it all as we lay on the floor.

'And that brings me to the most important part, while we're here, naked, and all sexed up,' he chuckled. 'Miss Tee Jackson ... Will ya do me the greatest honour, of my damn life, and say yes to taking me as your soul provider, your lover, your friend, and your beloved husband?'

Taking my left hand as he spoke, he slid the ring straight onto my finger. I don't know how he managed it, but it was perfectly sized. He looked at me and grinned in his lovely way.

'I was gonna ask ya the morning after the Christmas Party, but when I found ya gone, I thought ya didn't want me, and that I probably wouldn't see ya again ... Stevie made it his business to keep in contact with ya. Craig told him you were gonna come out on your vacation ... That's why he rung ya ... He'd already cancelled ya hotel before ya left England ... He's so fuckin devious, my brother, I love him to death,' he laughed.

So, Stevie was the instigator of all that was happening right then and, if he'd been there, I would have kissed him and crushed him in a big hug. He wasn't, so I gave Max a kiss, smiled, closed my eyes, and lay back onto the floor, still wrapped in his arms.

He kissed my face, my eyes lids and over my forehead, his arms strong around me. I felt secure and fulfilled, and I didn't want to leave those moments to the past.

He pushed himself up on one arm, and I looked up at the man who had consumed my mind for eighteen months or more. I couldn't believe I was there, with him, like that. It could have all been a dream, and I really didn't want to wake up, not just then.

The look on his face was something so beautiful, I can't explain it. His smile was alight and his eyes were the bluest I'd ever seen them. The sun was coming through the big windows and hitting his hair, giving it a golden glow through the strands. He was the most beautiful view I'd seen so far on that trip.

'What's wrong, honey?' His eyes softened as he leant down and kissed the tear from my cheek.

I hadn't even noticed it trickle from an eye. I stretched my arms up, then pulled him to me for a hug.

'... You amaze me ... You breathe life into me. Tell me it'll always be like this ... Promise me ... Please,' I whispered, burying my face in his warm hair.

He laughed his reply.

'It'll always be like this, honey ... I promise ... But are ya sure ya know what ya doin? Marrying me is gonna be quite a big thing over here. The Press will want in on it, plus Ma and Stevie will want a big ole family wedding ... And it'll have to be done proper, the full works ... Ya know that, don't ya?'

My poor face must have been a picture.

'Tell me you're kidding, right! ... You don't want that, do you?' I said, quietly, trying not to sound too horrified.

He smiled, 'Well, we could do it here if ya want. The path, outback, runs down to a stream, it's so beautiful under the trees ... We could have the ceremony there? ... We'd have to bring all ya family and friends over together with my lot. There's that hotel up the road ... We'll hire the whole thing for a weekend, enough room for everyone ... It's about a ten minute drive, so that'll do ... What ya think?'

He'd thought it all out, hadn't he? When he said he been thinking about it, long and hard, he really meant it. I looked at him, astounded that he would go to so much trouble just for me. I loved him even more, as I looked at the magnificent ring that sparkled on my finger. From where he rested, he studied my face, then smiled.

'Tee, look at me ...' I turned. 'I don't want ya to go home ... I love ya and I want ya to stay here, with me ...'

I was silent for a moment.

'Max, I'd love to stay, for good, now, and I'll stay for the rest of my holiday ... But I have to go home for a little while ... Besides, I've got to see if I can move the business from there to here.'

I was smiling as I spoke.

He realised what I was saying and leant forward.

'So, when do ya think ya'll be able to come home for good then?' he said, as he kissed the tip of my nose.

'As soon as I can, I guess!' I replied. 'It'll take a few months for the outstanding contracts to end. One of my deadlines isn't until November, unfortunately, so I'll have to stay there until at least then. I won't drop my clients, Max. I'll see each job out and then transfer the business over here, hopefully. You'll have to find me an office-studio to work from ... That'll give you something to do while I'm away ...'

He smiled at me, still holding me closely to him.

'I'll have one built, here ... A proper studio, if ya want ... And give it huge picture windows all round, so ya have the view and the light ... How 'bout that?'

I kissed his lips, over and over, repeating, 'Thank you, thank you, I larve you,' in a silly, posh, English accent.

He chuckled as we cuddled, still lying on the floor, the sport channel still on in the background, together, still naked.

The Silent Side

We'd been there a while, like that, when the phone rang. Max grabbed his jeans, pulled them on, got up, then walked over to answer it. He looked back at me but then looked away. I suddenly felt there was something being hidden from me and I didn't like it much. I could hear angry mutterings and Max's body language was wrong for a call from Stevie or his Ma. I sat on the couch and dressed, suddenly feeling very naked and vulnerable.

Max was still having the conversation but was stood out of sight. I looked at the clock on the T.V. screen. It was 1:20 p.m. We'd just lost about three hours making love in the den. For some reason, the room's temperature had suddenly dropped a few degrees, and I didn't want to be in there anymore.

Pulling my trainers on, I walked out onto the balcony. Turning, I descended the steps and slowly followed the little path down the slope and through the tall trees towards the little brook. It was so peaceful as I inhaled that fresh air into myself. All that space, suddenly, felt real good.

It was then that I was reminded of the horrible feeling that had washed over me when Max turned away from me in the lodge. Suddenly, there I was, alone and able to think about what I was doing. I looked at the ring on my hand, as I walked over and sat on an old chunk of felled fir in a little clearing. I slipped it off and pushed it into my jeans pocket, still clenched in my fist.

The stream burbled down from the mountains as the birds sang and swooped in the meadow on the other side. It opened up, at the edge of the wood, onto gloriously lush farmland that spread out, over the miles, towards Calgary and beyond. I could see why Max had come there, and why he'd suggested it for the wedding. It was so beautiful and calming, and what I expected he'd wanted all of his life. It certainly was somewhere quite amazing to run to when life got really shitty.

I took my tobacco tin out of my pocket and lit a joint Chelsea had given me before we left. "For emergencies," she'd said. I hadn't understood at the time. Now I was glad to remember hiding it away.

The weed was sweet and took the horrible taste from my mouth. I didn't like the feeling of that instant change in Max. I only wanted to see the Max that spent his time making-love to me. Not the one with the hard eyes and harsher voice.

I was half way through it when Max walked through the trees and came to sit next to me. Wearing his Sativa Beaver t-shirt and crumpled jeans, he still looked so horny. There was nothing on his feet. His hands were pushed into his pockets and he looked rather pissed-off.

I didn't say a word as he straddled the trunk beside me. I simply passed him the joint. I was staring out over the meadow when he finally spoke.

'That was Ma ... Anna-Lee just rung her ...'

I didn't turn to look at him. I found my eyes had suddenly frozen on a point in the distance. I was concentrating so much my vision took on a white tinge at the edges.

'... By what Ma could hear, she was phoning from an airport ... Anyway, she's lookin for me ...' He took a pull and held it in. 'Wants to have a talk, so she says ... Lying bitch.' He exhaled, loudly, with his last two words. '... Ma's let Stevie know ... If the stupid ho does come here, then it'll get nasty, quickly ... Ma said she was pretty pissed-up, by the sounds of it, so she's bound to hit a high ... I don't want ya here when she gets here ... So ... Ya gotta go, honey ...'

I felt him move slightly as his hand lifted to stroke my long, dark hair. There was silence for a moment, his hand still in motion.

'Stevie's coming back over, now, to get ya, he should be here soon ... I won't let her get near ya ... I think she knows I'm here with someone ... But, she don't know who it is, and that's probably killing her.'

Looking round at him, I saw how upset he was. His face dropped when he saw my empty ring finger.

'Please ... Don't take that off, baby ... I want ya more than ever, and she's nothin compared to you ... She ain't gonna win this time ... I finally found someone who loves just me, not the damn money, or the damn lifestyle ... Bout time she got to hear the truth, even if it kills her ... All the better, maybe ... Saves me having to rip her damn face off ...'

I looked down and pulled the ring from my pocket. It was laid in my outstretched palm as I looked at the diamond sparkling in the lovely dappled sunlight.

He picked it up and slid it back onto its finger, saying, 'Will ya promise to marry me, someday?'

I smiled at him. 'If you get rid of all the old baggage in your life, then, yes, Max, I promise, I'll marry you, someday ...'

He slid his arms around my waist, pulling me against the front of him. Pushing his face into my hair, he nuzzled into my neck.

It was so beautiful sat there, Max and I looking out over the meadow, not having to speak. We were just content with the sounds around us, and time ticking away. Although the sun was warm there was a hint of autumn in the air, the coolness chilling bare skin. The stream was happily cruising on its journey going south as the tall grasses swayed in the silent breeze. Birds passed overhead, between the branches of the trees, and the odd bee buzzed off into the meadow before us.

That's all I really needed, exactly what I had there in that moment of time. I felt complete, encased in Max. In fact, I could have whiled away another hour or so, but for the sound of a car door slamming shut up by the lodge.

Not surprisingly it made Max move from our tranquil spot. He suggested I stayed there until he knew who it was. I sat back down and watched him as he disappeared through the trees back to the house. All was silent except for the stream, giggling its own tune, and the gentle breeze in the branches above me.

I sat and looked up into those firs, eyes filling with tears as I thought how it could suddenly all go so wrong. I wiped them away with the back of my hand and looked over at the mountains in the distance. That's where I wanted to be right then, all the way over there.

I'd been sat quietly for some time when I heard their voices. I turned to see Max and Stevie come through the trees. Stevie hurried over and I jumped up to hug him. He was the most beautiful sight to behold.

He held me tightly as he said, 'Have I got something to tell you ... You is gonna love this ... I have just received a very interesting call from an ole friend of mine ...'

All three of us straddled the fallen tree. Max came round and sat behind me so we could both face Stevie while he recited his tale. He grinned from cheek to cheek as he started to talk.

'I was in the tub when Ma rang ... Said Anna-Lee was spitting feathers and lookin for Numb-Nuts here ... Ma told her she'd not seen him for a few days, and didn't know where he was. Ma said she also knew, eventually, Anna-Lee would either come over to my place, or try here ... She'd do those two before going to Ma's ... Home is the last place on earth she'll wanna show her face right now. If she does, Ma'll give her a right down-home pasting and no mistakin ... And this is where it gets good so, hope ya listening up, here,' he laughed aloud, whilst rubbing his hands together. Excitedly he squeezed my knee, the grin not leaving his face.

Max and I were watching his actions, waiting with bated breath for the next instalment.

'... Anyway ... No sooner had I finished talking to Ma, my phone rings again ... This time, it's the truth and nothing but the truth,' he chuckled. 'The stupid fucking bitch only gets into her car, pissed, drives outta the parking lot and alone the road ...'

He was still laughing as he continued with, 'She'd only driven a short distance when she opens another bottle ... Sadly for her, this cop pulls up beside her, on a red, and sees the stupid fucking hick chugging it down like water, so, he pulls her over ... Not content with being caught in the act, she starts screaming on about being Max's girlfriend and that she wasn't drinking ... Turns out, this cop remembered Anna-Lee's face from somewhere else ... He'd been part of the dynamic duo that had tugged her for a DUI a few years back ...'

Stevie paused for affect.

'... This is not good news for Anna-Lee. So, she gets super pissed, but with the wrong guy ... He arrests her, again, for DUI, and she gets hauled away ... She was taken, from her car, cussing and screaming, and placed in the officer's wagon, her car towed and pounded ... I don't think you'll be seein her again for a while,' he smiled at me. 'Man, how's that for an engagement present, sugar? Talk about fate ...'

'... How the hell do you know all that, Stevie?' I laughed.

'Well, honey,' he replied, his eyes alight with laughter, 'it ain't what ya know but who ya know ... The Officer concerned is a good friend a mine, going back to our High School days. He was kind enough to ring me and let me know the full story ... He knew who she was as soon as she opened her trap about Max, could only be one person ... Her previous DUI was in Max's first Bentley.'

He shook his head at her stupidity before chuckling, again.

'Man, that should cool her heels down a little, huh?'

'Sweet Jesus, Stevie,' Max laughed, 'I could kiss ya ...'

He leapt over, grabbed his brother by the head, and started licking his face. Stevie fought to get away by slapping and play punching Max in the ribs. I watched them as the boy-brothers they really were. That was them, twenty-five years ago, and they were still like it, the perpetual children.

So, Stevie knew then, about our close shave with an atomic Anna-Lee and the engagement. I smiled as I moved into his open arms to laugh about someone else's misfortune. They guessed it was going to happen sooner or later. After all, she was, in herself, an insult, and a violation, to all women, and any sober person that drives a car, of course.

We sat and laughed at the day and the way it had changed, yet again. The three of us together, funny how it always seemed to come back to just us.

That was the last we were to hear of her, as Stevie said, for a while. She would be heard from occasionally. She'd turn up pissed at the recording studio in Vancouver but, thank the Gods, they never let her passed the Security Gate. Max had made sure they had a picture of her so they got her every time. She never dared go back to his Ma's house, not after the crash. Beth wouldn't have minded but Anna-Lee wasn't able to face the woman.

I saw the rest of my holiday out with Max. He took me camping and we made love under the stars and huge moon. We spent days out driving and riding through glorious flatlands, crossing streams and walking trails through pine-groves. We lost ourselves in each other, sitting by a camp fire, dreaming and chatting about music and friends. The last of our evenings were full of the sounds of burning pine and what little life was around us. I loved those nights with Max. Sat with his arms around me, I felt safe and cared for. I snuggled into him and watched the flames, dreaming of our bright future together.

All too soon, my holiday drew to a close and I had to fly home. Those twenty-eight days seemed like a blink of an eye when we stood in that Airport saying our goodbyes. Max drove me to Edmonton, so, taking the scenic route, we went up and around the long way through the mountains. I was lost in that amazing sight, and I loved the snow that still capped a couple of them. It didn't take long to get there, and I didn't want to get out at the end of our lovely journey.

Stevie and Chelsea had driven over and were stood waiting for us by Security Clearance. Chels hugged me and wished me a safe and puke free journey. I laughed but wished myself the same.

Stevie gave me a big hug and whispered, 'Come on home soon, now, I'm gonna miss seeing ya ... I like ya being around,' he laughed as he pulled away, but still held onto my hand.

Next up was Max, and I knew I wasn't going to be good at that bit. Stevie saw the start of my tears. He took Chelsea's hand and walked over to a seated area so we could have our last few moments together, alone.

Max pulled me into him and held me gently. I buried my face into his shoulder to inhale the aroma I would be missing with a passion, and loathed the thought of moving from where I stood. I'd checked the board, saw my flight number appear, and knew I had to go. I went to pull away, but Max wouldn't release his grip.

Finally escaping, I looked up, only to see he had eyes full of tears, too. We laughed at ourselves as we wiped them away and he walked me to the entrance, his arm tight around my waist.

He passed me my hand luggage and almost whispered, 'Ya'll ring me when ya get back, won't ya? I won't settle till I know ya home and safe ... I wish I could come with ya, but I gotta get things sorted for ya here. It seems I have an office come studio to build in about, ooh, four months ...'

He paused, his eyes a watery blue, the sad expression a hard thing for me to witness.

'... I'm gonna miss ya so much I can't find the words ... I love you, Tee-bird Jackson ... And don't ya ever, ever, forget that ...'

He was smiling as he spoke, his eyes, bright sparkles, and I loved him even more.

He kissed me, over and over, and then held me to him. From the moment our fingers parted something broke in me. I repeated my oaths on the way through, my shouts lost in the noise and Tannoy announcements, his, the same. I kept looking back, right up till the last step. Another tear trickled down my already wet cheek as I turned that last corner. I smiled, but even I knew, my little heart was breaking with the thought of leaving him behind.

The Things We Do For Love

Again, I was sick, four times, and then slept the rest of the flight home. It was the early hours of the morning as I taxied down the runway, then two hours later, I was home. The weather in England was shite, as usual, cold, dark and rainy. I was half dead as I unlocked my front door and stepped over a pile of accumulated mail on the rug.

My mate, Gee, from across the road, had stocked my fridge with fresh milk and food, plus more mail sat on the kitchen counter. I put the kettle on and started to make myself a coffee while I played back the messages on the phone. There were a couple of potential new clients and a couple from a magazine I free-lanced for. They were wondering if I would assist in the design of the October cover, but the deadline had been two days previously. Oops!

It was the last one that caught me by surprise. It was Max, they'd gotten home and Stevie had given him my home number after all that time. He said Stevie had told him he'd earned it, seeing as he was making an honest woman of me. He read off his home number and I paused to get a pen.

I rewound the whole message so I could close my eyes and imagine him in the room talking to me. When it got back to his number, I noted it down and tore it from the pad. He went on to say how the next few months were going to be hell, there, without me, and he couldn't stand the thought of all those weeks apart. He said he loved me, and then the line went dead.

I stopped the machine, walked back into the kitchen and finished drinking my coffee. I picked up the portable phone and punched in the number on the paper. It started ringing in the distance and when it was answered, there was silence for a moment.

'Hello ... Max?'

But it wasn't his voice answer, it was that of a girl, and it wasn't Chelsea.

'Hello,' her sweet little Canadian accent replied, 'Can I ask whose calling, please, and I'll go get him for you ...?'

I heard muttered voices in the background and then Stevie's voice came onto the phone.

'Tee? ... Is that you ...?'

'Yes, Stevie, it's me ... Is Max there? I said I'd ring when I got home, and I've just got his message ... Can I speak to him, please, sweetie ...?'

It went quiet for a moment before Stevie explained that, actually, Max wasn't there. They'd followed him back to the lodge and had stayed for a joint and a coffee. Everything seemed fine until Stevie saw a strange look come over Max's face. He went on to explain what happened next.

Max had launched himself from his seat at the kitchen counter, saying, 'There's somethin really important I gotta do. I'll be gone for a few days ... Don't worry, I'll be in good hands ... I'll ring ya as soon as I get there ...'

After saying that, he'd picked up his coat and stormed off into the bedroom before flying back passed Stevie and Chels with a bag in hand. Stevie said he'd stood and watched in amazement as Max flew around the place, then, out the door, down to his car and gone. They hadn't had a chance to say a word. Max hadn't given them a second to speak. That was the last anyone had heard from him, and that was yesterday.

I asked him who the girl was and Stevie pointed out she looked after the place when Max was away. She was part of the local security group who patrolled the area. Stevie had asked her to call him if anyone rung. He'd been asleep in the games room.

Having driven around looking for Max in his old haunts, he'd come back to the lodge and crashed. When I rang, Lucy, the Security Guard, woke him up. He went on to say Max hadn't gone to Ma's, he'd tried her already, and Chels was at home in case he turned up there, pissed and stoned.

I wished it hadn't been, but the first thing that went through my mind was Anna-Lee. I tried not to let it show in my voice. I told him not to worry and that Max was always okay. He'd reappear when he'd done whatever. I tried to sound positive and told him Max would probably be back soon. Inside, I hoped he'd be back soon.

I told Stevie I needed to get to bed, the time in England, 10:08 a.m., and I'd been awake for what seemed like bloody days. He said he'd phone when he had news, and asked that I do the same, should Max phone me at home. I said I would, without hesitation, followed by a feeble goodbye.

I left everything and climbed the stairs to my room. I peeled off the clothes I was wearing, turned the phone volume down a little, and collapsed under the bedspread. I stretched out, closed my eyes, saw Max's lovely smile, then spent a few seconds worrying about him, before drifting off into the waiting darkness.

When I awoke and looked at the clock, it was 9.17 p.m. Shit, how tired? I got up and walked into the bathroom, a shower sounding just the ticket. Running the water nice and hot, it did help alleviate the knots in my shoulders, and I felt so much better for it afterwards. I pulled on old leggings and my Toxic Tramps hoodie before skipping it back downstairs.

I towel dried my hair, while I waited for the kettle to boil, and then made myself an Earl Grey sweetened with honey. Taking it into the front room, I placed it on the table, before going to the door to retrieve the mail that awaited my attention.

All the bills were put to one side, along with anything to do with the business. Those, I stuffed into my in-tray for the meantime. I'd deal with those later. I wasn't going to worry about them, not then, and not with Max missing. The post really was the least of my worries, as I looked down at the wad of Royal Mail in my hand. Where the hell was he, and what the hell was he playing at?

Casting my mind away from Max and his mysterious meanderings, I took all my personal mail back over to the couch and started looking through it. There were a couple of postcards, one from friends who were on holiday in Greece, and one from an Aunt in Scotland, away for a long weekend. They were both dated a week or so back and were probably home already. Apart from that, there was nothing else exciting. I sat in the quiet room enjoying the peace when the phone rang.

I voice commanded it to answer, it was Stevie.

'Hey, you ... How's my gal doing over there in sunny ole England?'

I looked out of the window at the rain lashing down and smiled, 'Stevie, I'm fine ... How's things there? ... Any news of Max yet ...?'

He said he hadn't heard anything and had rung just in case I had. I said I wish I had but, no, not a word. I asked if he'd spoken to his Ma lately. He said he had, she sent her love and said to keep my chin up. I thanked him for her kind thoughts and smiled at the memory of meeting Beth.

Stevie said he'd ring me again, later, as he was using Max's phone. He'd decided to stay there until it was all cleared up and Max was back. With that, we said our goodbyes and I was alone, again.

I'd just got up to make another coffee when the doorbell went. It was my pal Gee. He came over to check I was okay and home safe. I asked him in for a brew, which he graciously accepted, and I thanked him for stocking the fridge. While I did that, he rolled a joint and sat on the couch smoking it. The smell wafted out into the kitchen and I was transported back to the mountains at Canmore. I looked down at the ring on my left hand as it sparkled in the overhead lights. Gee walked out, looking at me in an odd way.

'You're miles away, mate ... You ain't listening to me at all, are ya?'

I looked at him, with slightly glazed eyes, as I came back down to earth and turned the big diamond into the palm of my hand. He passed me the joint and asked about the trip. I told him all the places I'd been and seen, the canyons and mountains I'd ridden on horse and quad. I didn't go into detail about the famous lover stashed away in a log cabin in Canmore though. I wasn't sure where Max was, so I wasn't going to say too much about him as a subject.

I finished making the coffees and we went back into the front room. We sat, smoked a joint, and talked about the flight. He sympathized with me. He hated the thought of flying, so had never tried it himself.

He looked over at me, through the smog he'd just exhaled, and chuckled, 'If you chuck a brick in the air, it comes crashing down, don't it? A plane weighs a fuck sight more than a pissing brick. Enough said.' His opinion was fixed and that was that.

When he'd killed his coffee, he said he was going off to do his late night superstore shop and, if there was anything I needed, he'd grab it for me. I told him I was out of ales and asked could he pick a few bottles up for me. For some reason I fancied having some in the fridge for whenever. He said no problem, then let himself out saying he'd see me in the not too distant future.

Left with the rest of the joint to finish, I sat watching the smoke rise. I heard car doors slamming and engines coming and going. I was very relaxed, curled up in my armchair smoking my joint and drinking my brew. After a while, I walked out through the kitchen and into my open plan office. I'd had the garage converted when I decided to start my own business, and I liked the space.

The light that flooded through the ceiling panels was great. One end was partly my studio, where I worked on the drawing board and painted, the other, was all my office space. I'd kept up my art after Uni, which had helped me, very much, as I stumbled my way, day to day, through my divorce.

I also had the space there to try pieces of work on large canvases. I still enjoy working with acrylic and oil, to this day. A lot of my friends laughed at my efforts to begin with but I soon improved, and now they all own a Tee Original. I even sign and date them saying, 'When I'm dead, these will be priceless. Gold dust, that.'

I always had the same answer from Gee. 'More like bloody worthless ...' The cheeky bugger, but a good mate because he can always put a smile on my face.

I stood looking at the latest piece I was working on. It was a commission for a client who I'd done a small job for. When she'd seen my work in the house, she'd asked if I would paint an abstract for her husband's birthday in November. I was getting quite a wedge and loving the hours I spent looking, thinking and painting. I started to drift off and think about Max and where he must have gone. I didn't want to think about Anna-Lee and hoped she wasn't involved in any way. Anything would be better. Or would it?

I tried not to worry about it as I walked back into the front room. I sat back in the armchair, frowning at it all. I lost myself in thought, bloody men, why are they so stupid sometimes? I was staring at the painting above the fire-place when the door-bell rang. I thought, 'Blimey, Gee was quick getting the beer, nice one.' So I bounced over to answer it.

When I opened the door, I thought my poor, stupid, tired eyes were playing tricks on me. I stood, frozen to the spot. A very weary and sad looking Max was dripping in the pouring rain. He was soaked and looked absolutely knackered. He stepped forward, encasing me in his arms.

I took him into the lounge and we sat on the couch nuzzling and kissing in a frantic pattern. Eventually, I came to rest against him and he held me tight to his side. He didn't smell too good, and his clothes looked very slept-in. I could have cried, I'd been so worried for him, but angry, too, for not knowing where he'd been all that time.

He sat and explained about the only flight left, after mine, to Europe. It was going straight over to Paris. Then there was the connecting flight from there to London. As his brows slowly rose, he didn't have to say anymore. I pushed an index finger to his lips to stop him talking. I didn't really care, he was safe and with me, that's all that mattered.

His coat smelt of damp cigarettes and cattle-class. I couldn't believe he'd travelled like that to get to me. I thought he'd be all B.A. and Business Class, so to hear about his attempt at hiding was quite amusing. No one on the plane recognised him, except a young guy who just winked and went back to his head-phones and head-nodding.

Max laughed when he said, 'He was reading the May issue of Thrash an Burn ... The one with Ea$y on the front cover ...'

He admitted he had tried to have a sleep on the longest Edmonton to Paris flight in his life, but it was impossible due to a woman's twin babies screaming in his ear for half of it. His biggest disappointment was the fact he couldn't escape to the 1st Class Bar, there simply wasn't one. He'd spent the rest of his journey to Paris with his baseball cap pulled down, listening to a montage of grunge on Rebel Rock Radio, and the jingle Ea$y did for Missy Midnight's 'Later Rocks' show.

My heart went out to his little tired face and I suggested we got him out of his wet clothes. When we reached my room, he threw a small black holdall onto the bed. In this he'd crammed: 1 well-loved Nirvana sweat-shirt with no elbows, 1 very faded black/grey (tie-dyed) t-shirt, 1 white t-shirt, 1 'Kick Back' hoodie, his old baseball cap with Fender embroidered on the front, (it also looked like he'd sat on it for most of the flight, and was part of his crap disguise, probably), a grey long sleeve t-shirt with a big weed leaf on the front, saying, 'Smokin's a choice, so fuck you', a tooth-brush (which I was impressed with until I saw the sock fluff stuck to the bristles), 3 pairs of black socks (extra holes included), and finally, right at the bottom, so they was the first thing he'd packed, a pair of really old fucked, faded, black jeans that Gee wouldn't have used to clean his bike with. Arh, men, aye! What they like, bless 'em?

I looked at him and laughed. 'Darlin,' I smiled, 'you were in a rush, weren't you?'

The look he gave me made me laugh more. His hair was stuck, still curly, to the side of his face. His tired eyes, nearly shutting, stared at me through his soggy fringe. He had that look of 'like, I care!'

I walked over and pulled off his coat. I felt like dumping it out the window just to get shot of it. He pulled his damp tops off as I stood, watching his movements. Running a hot shower for him, I ogled from the doorway as he peeled off his wet jeans. God, he was so lovely when he was naked, I loved looking at him.

When he was playing his guitar and he was miles away, I saw the real Max. That side was different again, the quiet entity in the corner, humming and strumming. I could lose myself taking in the detail of his form and the way the light hit his hair. He was very easy on the eye, as they say.

As I floated back into the present, I could hear him singing in the shower. Smiling to myself, I arranged his dry clothes on the bed, leaving his stinky jeans to one side. Some old joggers were found in a drawer, I hoped they'd be long enough for him. I stood, leant against the door-frame, listening.

Sounding in higher spirits, the steam rose from the cubical. I laughed to myself and took my chance. I was stripped naked in two movements. Max turned as I opened the door. I smiled at him as he pulled me into the hot water by my waist.

'Hello, baby!' he grinned down at me, as I pushed up against his wet body.

'Hello, you,' I crooned in return.

Anyway, I staggered from the shower far achier than when I went in, but I really didn't mind. My body was still buzzing from my watery work-out, as I left Max to finish what he'd been trying to do for about forty minutes. I quickly dressed, again, and went downstairs. Sitting in silence, I rolled a joint and waited for Max to get his shit together.

While he was still upstairs Gee dropped my rations in for me, the beer not coming at a better time. He didn't stay, his telly was calling. He left saying something about a TT Special and that he'd see me later.

Max was very quiet. I could see how tired he really was when he came downstairs. Wearing the joggers, that fitted fine, and his Nirvana teabag, he walked over and plonked down next to me, sighing loudly as he rested back into the big cushions. I leant over and kissed his goateed chin, biting it gently. I looked up at him and smiled. He pulled me to him as I waited for the kettle to click off, our arms wrapped around each other.

As I moved away to go and make the drinks, I smiled as I spoke.

'Hey, phone Stevie and tell him where you are, you've been here ages, already ... He's going out of his mind with worry ... We all were.' I nodded over at the portable phone. 'Please, do it now... Before you pass-out for the night.'

Max lit the joint and did as I asked. Stevie picked up straight away and I could hear his excitement from the kitchen. They talked for a while as Max explained, again, the hideous flight over to Paris, adding he could see why I hated flying so much. They laughed about the delay and the Japanese fans that recognised him while getting into a London taxi. Before he knew it, there were about ten of them yapping at him for his 'autogarf, autogarf' and a few were taking pictures, cameras flashing in his face.

He'd told the driver to pull up at the entrance of my cul-de-sac, so he could stretch his legs to my front door. He also pointed out, that by doing so, I wouldn't hear it arrive, get suspicious, and have a look to see who was outside. This way, and I loved this bit, he could, 'Surprise the wife-to-be with the man of her dreams.' He was smiling as he said it, and watching what I was doing by the kettle.

I looked at him, sat there, grinning. I'd not been that surprised in a while. Max certainly knew how to make me feel great. I walked over and kissed the top of his damp head, the curls just getting their bounce back. He pinched my bum as I walked back to the mugs, the action explained to his brother.

When he'd finished talking to Stevie, we sat with our Earl Greys and I rolled another joint. Max had never seen me do it before using only two papers and seemed quite intrigued. Still watching, he asked the time and I replied it was about 11:30 p.m. I was starving by then and said I would cook some grub, what did he fancy, the choice was his?

He chose pasta, as I knew he would. I do a very nice creamy ham and mushroom thing, and Max decided a big dish of that was just what he needed. As ever, I made a huge amount and we sat stuffing our faces, drinking a nicely chilled bottles of amber coloured beer. Silence again, except for the stereo quietly playing in the background. I broke it, eventually, the silence.

'How the hell did you know how to find me? Craig's the only one who knows where I live ... Did he tell you my address?'

He looked at me with a big grin. 'Nah, I looked it up on the net, honey ... There ain't many companies in England called Mad Bat Concepts ... It led me straight to ya ...'

The candles burning on the mantle-piece threw a soft light against the side of Max's face. I watched him as he slouched back into the armchair, his empty dish placed on the floor by his feet. He held a full glass of ale in his hand and occasionally took a big swig, eyes twinkling as he looked over at me and I smiled back.

His eyelids took longer and longer to open with every blink. Leaning forward, he placed his glass on the table, rose and walked over to me on the couch. He plonked himself beside me, falling sideways, with his head landing in my lap. Rolling onto his back, he looked up at me.

'I really like it here with you ... It's so calm and peaceful ... I can understand why ya stay here ...'

I was stroking his forehead with my fingers and playing with his curls by his temple as he spoke.

'I'm really tired, baby ... Can we go to bed,' he looked straight up at me and wearily continued, 'to sleep?'

'Yes, Max, of course we can, silly, you can sleep,' I laughed. 'My God, I'm not going to make you have rampant sex with me if you're knackered.' I was still laughing but the seriousness of his face made me ask, 'Why the look? ... I don't understand?'

'I've always had to perform in that way, regardless of my personal state.' His eyebrows rose a little. 'I've always felt I shouldn't pass the opportunity to get laid ... Insecurity thing, I guess ...'

'... Sex maniac thing, more like,' I laughed, smiling down at him.

Max's calm silence explained how knackered he was, I just wanted to take him up to bed. I looked down to see he'd closed his eyes and drifted into sleep. I stroked his hair and smiled to myself about how lucky I really was.

There was me, an unknown name, a nobody born in Bucks, who'd come from nowhere, sitting in my lounge with the lead vocalist/guitarist of a famous rock band and, added to that, I was wearing a bloody, great big, rock on my finger that stated, to the world, at some point in the near future, I would get hitched to him. Now, that did my freaky head right in. I laughed to myself and woke Max from his doze.

'Come on, sweetheart ... It's getting late,' I smiled down at him. 'Let's hit the hay.'

I sat him up, stood, then turned to help him stand. He headed for the stairs, slowly. I turned off lights and blew out candles, leaving the mess and washing-up until the next morning. Suddenly, I felt as tired as Max looked. My bed was calling and it wasn't long before I was drifting away in crisp, clean sheets, with Max wrapped around me from behind, as usual.

The Waiting Game

Well, that just about brings me up to date, for the moment. Time has flown since meeting Max. I can't believe it's been going on for well over a year now and, somehow, we still love each other across all the miles that keep us temporarily apart. We speak as often as possible, but it's still horrid not having him around.

It worries me sometimes, him there, me here. I know he hasn't done anything stupid for a while, he's been so content, but this is what I mean by him having dramas in his life. I can't help being the quiet artist type, and I know he needs to blow out the cobwebs, occasionally. The last night of a tour and all that, I do understand, it's a thanks to the crew as much as anything.

That's partly why I don't attend any of the gigs. I hate the entire camera in my face thing. Max thrives on it and I know I have to learn to get used to it because, eventually, we'll be travelling a lot together as a couple. I don't suppose, for one moment, that the wedding won't stay out to the Press but, sadly, I have no idea about fame. I like being the anonymous woman in Max Manley's life, and I don't relish the thought of losing that at any point soon.

So, I'm now sat waiting for my call from Joey. He always rings when he's on his way to collect me. Then it's off to London, to meet up with Max and the guys, then go home, back to Canmore. Argh, bliss. Shame I'm only going for a few weeks, there's still so much to do regarding the move. It's late September now, but I reckon it'll be sorted in a couple of months. I'm hoping by the end of November, at the latest.

I've decided not to sell the house, renting it out sounds like a good idea, and it'll always be here, should I ever need it again. Gee said he'd keep an eye on it for me, bless his big, cotton socks.

I'd really like to be home and settled for my Birthday in December, fingers crossed. I can't wait to see my finished studio. I've had Stevie let me know, secretly, how it's progressing. He ums and arhs but never says too much about it. Cheeky sod always changes the subject to wind me up, and always ends with a laugh, saying, 'I think ya'll be impressed, but I can't be too sure of that now ...'

At this moment in time, it's about 7 a.m. and I've just had the night from hell. I swear to the Gods, if that fucking digiphone rings one more time, I'll ... There, I've unplugged the bugger, Joey will have to ring my mobile when he gets his act together.

Anyway, for the moment, the house is quiet and I'm on a bit of a buzz. I laugh, aloud, at the thought of trying to do some work before I'm whisked away to scoop up what's left of Max, then fly it back to Canmore. So, I guess there's not much else to tell really. Well, there is, but that's another story...

**PART 2**

Madness and Broken Dreams

'... PLEASE STOP, MAX ... Why are you being like this, you're scaring me? What's happened? TALK TO ME ... PLEASE ...' I screamed my unheard words from across the lodge, my voice raised enough for him to hear, just, over his ranting and swearing.

He was bouncing off the walls in the kitchen with a half empty bottle of Jack in his hand. It came towards me, a missile from across the breakfast bar, crashing against the archway beside me. I ducked to one side as it incinerate into a million tiny shards. Fragments of it showered down over me as I crouched behind the sofa, my hands shielding my head.

'... GOD, DAMN IT ... THE MUTHAFUCKA ... WHAT THE FUCK ...'

He was yelling in-between the explosion of glass against plaster.

'... FUCK THIS SHIT ...'

Max was self-destructing and taking the kitchen with him.

Stevie wielded a huge tray whilst attempting to cross the den. He was inching his way over to check on me, worried in case I was hurt by the last projectile launched in our direction.

'... FA FUCK SAKE, MAX ... CHILL OUT, BRO,' he shouted, as he moved to my hiding place. Speaking down to me, but never taking his eyes from the kitchen, he asked, 'What the fuck did ya say?'

'... Don't ask me, I have no bloody idea, Stevie ... One minute he was fine, the next, well, what can I say?' I spoke from between my elbows. 'This wasn't how I was planning to spent my Sunday, that's for sure ... Who was it that rang him? ... Any idea?'

I was still huddled down, cringing, keeping a low profile in case another projectile should follow the last. I was recalling the way the morning had played out. We were meant to be having a quiet Sunday dinner, with the family, out on the balcony. The usual few were present, Max and I, Stevie and Chels, and Ma.

It was a lovely day that had started, early, with making love in the shower and breakfast in the den. The guys came over at midday and we'd all hung out in the kitchen while I started the Sunday roast. Beth and Chelsea helped, as they always did. The boys had sat in the sun, drinking beers, as usual. It was a same old Sunday.

'What call?' Stevie asked down to me, his eyes flicking to the kitchen as more debris crashed into the den across the floor.

'... The one he took earlier, remember? He wandered off into the games room with the phone ...'

Stevie had a vague look on his face as it turned to me with the question already settling there.

'When was that?'

'Oh, never mind, Stevie ... It doesn't matter now, honest ... Don't worry about it ... I don't know what's going on, then ... Sorry ...'

It being too good for too long, made more sense. Things had climbed to the point of cruise-control in the months I'd been in Canmore. It had been too easy, pardon the pun, which kind of made me suspicious. Nothing had ever gone easy for me.

At least Anna-Lee had buggered off, we hadn't heard from her in months. Maybe I'd been a little premature in thinking things were, maybe, changing for the better with us. Admittedly, the band had been on tour, but he seemed to be settling into being a happy man for once. Our lives were the dream. He was showing a gentle side to his nature, and we were doing really well.

Even Craig, Mr PR, couldn't believe how calm he'd become. The binge drinking was kept for special occasions, and he turned into the nice bloke we all knew was in there, somewhere. We were all loved up and everyone took the piss. The reason for this explosion was yet to be known but, whatever it was, it was a big enough deal for Max to hit the wall and let it all crash out of him in the way that it was.

His voice brought me back from my daydream of happier times with a barrage of swearing. Stevie, bless him, was still trying to gain access from the den. Chelsea was stood outside on the decking, tapping on the floor to ceiling window behind me. Beth was behind her with a face full of pain, her hands clasped together in what looked like a prayer.

As I turned and looked, Max calmly walked into the den, passed Stevie, and plonked down onto the couch. I stood up and looked over to where he was sat with his face in his hands. I realised, as I moved towards him, he was crying into him palms, his fingers buried into his fringe.

Resting gently into the seat beside him I slid my arms around his torso.

'Shush, honey, come on... Talk to me ... Please,' I whispered, my stomach churning.

Rocking, slowly, from side to side, I waited for the tears to abate. Beth and Chelsea had silently come back inside and were stood with Stevie, worried looks on their faces. With misty vision, I smiled at Beth.

'Could you and Chels have a look at dinner for me, please? ... And don't be surprised if it's beyond saving, I wouldn't be ...'

I watched through my tears as they walked off into the kitchen. Beth glanced my way, throwing me a sympathetic smile over her shoulder as she left. Stevie had put the tray down and was stood, astonished, surveying the damage around the room.

Max's loud sighs had subsided into deep breaths, his need for oxygen having slowed into a head-rush, his face still in his hands. I could see a single tear had escaped and run a path down his wrist. I put my lips to another as it trickled round his thumb. It was then I felt the fingers push into my hair and the arm slide around me.

Max pulled me to him and breathed the scent of my hair in through his nostrils. It seemed like ages we sat there wrapped in that embrace. After a while he stopped shaking and sat back against the couch. His hands fell into his lap. Looking down at the backs of them, he slowly stretched and curled his fingers.

'... I'm so fuckin sorry ... I love ya so much ... I need ya to know that ... Ya do know I love ya, don't ya?'

Max hadn't moved, but he'd finished the sentence with his eyes on mine.

A chill, as cold as ice, slowly crept through my entire body as my heart started to race. The realisation of the moment had just hit me.

I moved quickly to my feet and stood by Stevie to look down at Max, his tearstained face looking up. The whole thing was beyond belief, surreal even. My voice was almost a whisper when I finally spoke again.

'What the fuck is going on?'

I kept my voice low so Beth and Chelsea couldn't hear my concern. A cold rush swept over my warm day. I noticed that goose-bumps had come up on my arms, I rubbed them to make them go away.

The anger I felt rose in me as Stevie looked down at Max and, somehow, I just knew. The first thing in my hand, as it flew out to grab something, was a photograph of us at Stevie's birthday the previous year. As I launched it in his direction, my anger burst from my trembling frame.

'It's HER, isn't it? ... You fucking arsehole, Max ... It's HER ...'

It crashed into the wall, above his head, showering him as I was only a little while ago. I didn't stay to see the outcome. I spun on my heels and stormed towards the hall. I grabbed my jacket and bag and then headed for the door.

Hearing the footsteps behind me, as I made my exit, the hand on my arm stopped me dead in my tracks. Turning to swipe it away I found it was Beth.

'... Make yaself comfortable when ya get there,' she whispered, pushing her house keys into my hand. 'I'll deal with this ... This stops right about now ... Time the truth be told ... Drive safely now, and I'll see ya when I get home, okay?'

She smiled in her sweet understanding way, then patted my cold cheek gently. Her eyes squinted slightly as she nodded, she knew she was right.

Max was still fighting to get passed Stevie as I reached the door and looked back. There was no way his older sibling was going to let him get by, not to get in my face anyway. The language that was thrown about by Max got a few hard looks from Beth, rendering him quiet until his next outburst.

Stevie knew what lay on the threshold in Max's eyes. We'd all seen that look before. He was usually fuelled up on something with a bitch-kick. Funny, but Anna-Lee was usually the one behind it more often than not. I left, praying I was wrong.

I saw him shout something but I wasn't inside anymore. His voice was lost behind the glass door as it slammed shut in the wind. I hurried along the balcony, passed the table awaiting its Sunday roast, and off down the steps.

I looked back when I heard thumps on glass. Max was pounding it was his fits and shouting as tears ran down his face. Stevie was trying to pull him away. I could just make out my name said, over and over.

With the heel of my hand, I wiped away the tears that had appeared on my cheeks. Shaking my head, I walked towards my Camaro, my pride and joy, long, black and as sexy as hell. I slid into my warm, leather seat and rested my hands on the steering wheel, as the sun closed my eyes for a moment.

The car burst into life, the power of the engine a pedal away. I pumped the gas a couple of times while I waited for my anthem to kick in and then looked up at the lodge, one last time. The tears sank away as I surveyed my surroundings and turned the music up a little more. I needed to feel the bass in my chest.

I smiled, nodding my head to the beat, as I tapped her into first and sped off up the drive, finally escaping the madness and broken dreams.

The Betrayed

A pee break and gas made me stop, once, on the way to Beth's. I had some nice mellow tunes playing in the car, it helped sooth my scuttled mind, if nothing else. I grabbed a bottle of water from the foot-well and sat, leant against the bumper, thinking in the sun. All those romantic moments in the past months were suddenly turned to lies. My birthday, a night in the city, Champagne and strawberries and all night loving, and our first wonderful, snowy Christmas, just us, sex under the tree, and the rest of the day in bed. Suddenly it all meant nothing.

The sun had started to dip towards the fruit trees as I pulled into Beth's front yard. The shadows walked afar, stretching, as if skinny fingers across the land. The air was quiet with heat and smelt of sweet flowers and warm grass. It felt good as I took off my shades and turned my face to the sun, soothing me to my core.

All was quiet round back as I let myself into the kitchen. Instantly I was hit by the coolness and smell of fresh baked bread, probably made that morning. I walked over and sat at the long scrubbed pine table recalling my first ever visit with Stevie. I could almost hear their laughter in the house. Echoes of fading memories, Christmases and birthdays skipped down the stairs and played on the outskirts of my vision. That felt like home. Why couldn't Max and I find that peace? He'd had it all his childhood and now that boy was losing everything in me sitting there, alone. Why?

I knew why. It had taken the journey there to finally reach that question, but I'd already known the answer. I knew it the moment he opened his mouth. Hardest thing is the realisation. Hoping it was just stupidity that was making me feel sick, and holding on with everything that he just wouldn't say that name, but I'm sorry to say, I just knew.

I sat staring at the collection of family photos assembled on the sideboard. Stevie and Max stood as teenagers, leant against an old pickup, Stevie wearing his old brown cowboy hat. The black and whites were of an era two decades before, a young bride and groom stood proud on their wedding day. Then there's the romantic daytrip picnic on some remote beach, and my favourite, Beth holding Max as a baby, Stevie pulling a brat-face, as ever.

It was the one nearest me that my focus remained on. Max and Stevie at their first CRMA (Canadian Rock Music Awards) win. Their faces were alight with excitement, stood all suited and booted, crystal pillars in their hands. My, what a handsome pair of young men they were.

My head fell onto my crossed arms as I dissolved into a crying mess. Long sobs of hurt broke from the centre of me as my world ignited, yet again. I'd wrestled, for months, about leaving England, my friends and family. So in love was I, that I found a way to solve problems and leave my homeland in a little under four months. Sitting there, at that table, it all seemed such a waste of time.

I'd been there nearly a year and the months had flown by without so much of by my leave. We'd come so far together, everything was so good and we were so happy, or so I thought. He didn't have to say it. It was written all over his bloody face. I'd remembered seeing that look before. Why, why had she gone quiet for so long and then suddenly popped up? I thought maybe she was back in rehab again. Seems I was very wrong there.

It was dark when I finally lifted my head. My face was sore from falling asleep with tears on my cheeks. Someone was at the front door. Chelsea was the one to open it. Beth followed in behind, flicking on the light, looking tired and still angry.

Silently, she walked towards me as Chelsea shut the door and followed her over. She was stood next to me when her arm slid round my shoulders and pulled me to her in a motherly hug. Without hesitation, I returned to my sea of tears. Chelsea came over and added her arms to the embrace whilst quietly crying into Beth's hair.

'My lovely girl,' Beth crooned, 'that stupid son a mine don't know what he's doing ... Lord, give me strength, I don't know why he keeps on making the same mistake ... He's a fool, and that's the truth.'

She took my face in her hands raising it up so she could see my eyes. Wiping the hair and tears away, she gently kissed my forehead. Still holding my face she continued.

'... I can't tell ya what to do, child ... I can only help ya make the best decision for you, not anyone else, just you.' Slowly, she smiled down at me. 'If that takes ya away from here then, yeah, I'll be sad for a while but, I know, when I see ya again, you'll be happier ... I know ya love him and all, but ya still gotta do what's best for you, huh?' she nodded at me, knowing the truth, as she hugged me back into her.

Chelsea was still standing behind her with big tears on her cheeks. After a few moments, Beth moved to sit next to me as Chels pulled up a chair across the table. Beth was the first to speak. Her eyes looked tired but she tried to smile.

'Stevie's staying there with him tonight ... He managed to get him into his room after ya left ... He'll sleep well, and that's for sure.' She patted the back of my hand. 'He ain't been right for weeks ... It's okay, sweetie, I been waiting for this day awhile.' Her gaze never left my face, by then a mess of tears and sadness. 'At first, I thought maybe he was just tired from all that travelling ... He looked so good for getting back to you ... He has it all ... And he's still being a selfish little son-of-a-bitch ...'

I stared at her, she never used cussing and I knew, then, exactly how pissed-off with Max she really was.

The question was on my lips, of course.

'Oh, my, God ... You know, don't you? What is it?' I looked at them, one face to another. 'Beth ... Chels ... Please tell me ... What the hell is going on?' My sad face reflected my sad words.

Chelsea dissolved back into more tears as Beth's glance radiated warmth and love.

Once again, my eyes rested on the woman sat next to me. 'Please, Beth,' I implored.

Chelsea got up from the table and hurried into the kitchen. I heard her blowing her nose on a paper tissue, and I noticed she wasn't in a hurry to come back to sit with us for some reason.

Beth took both my hands in hers and looked me straight in the eye.

'... Anne-Lee has had a baby ... And she's claiming Max is the Daddy ...'

I couldn't breathe as I crumpled into myself. Struggling to stand, I stumbled towards the door, my weight falling against it, as my knees gave way and I sank to the floor.

All those moments of love that should mean so much, they became nothing. He'd eradicated all those special occasions and rendered them obsolete with his lies and deceit. He'd known all that time, the thoughtless bastard. At any point he could have told me. I guess it wouldn't have mattered though, a day or a damn year, it was still going to kill me, hearing those words.

My cold hands were clasped together as I silently prayed it to be a lie. I was suddenly made aware of a sad whining sound coming from somewhere, and then realised it was me. On my knees and crying into my hands, Chelsea was beside me on the floor. She pulled my sobbing body into her lap and held onto me.

I can't remember how I came to be in bed. I woke to Beth bringing me a breakfast of toast, bacon and eggs and a mug of strong, black coffee. The smell lifted my senses as I looked at the spread with a smile on my face.

She didn't say anything, she just grinned with Max's smile as she ambled over to open the window to let in the sun and the sounds. As she returned to the door, she leant over and kissed my forehead as I stuffed toast into my mouth.

'No rush,' she smiled, walking from the room.

There was fresh bread and brownies cooling in the kitchen, they filled the house with a warm and homely smell. When I finally pulled my arse downstairs, we weren't alone, Stevie had arrived. He was stood hugging Chelsea and talking to Beth as I turned the corner. He walked over and put his arms round me, pulling me into his usual bear hug.

Kissing me on the cheek, he smiled, 'All a bit shit, huh? ... Sorry, Ma ...'

I shook my head as it fell onto his chest and murmured, 'Yep, all a bit shit ... Sorry, Beth.' I looked up at him and asked, 'How long have you known then ...?'

He shook his head. 'Ya know me better than that, sugar. Do ya really think, if I'd know, I wouldn't a said a damn thing? I would of been the first to know ... And I swear to God, Mama,' his head turned to Beth, 'I didn't know a God damn thing till yesterday ... Cross my heart.' He made the sign over his chest as he looked back down at me.

'I'm sorry, Stevie,' I replied, at which Chelsea skipped over, smiling, and created a group hug. 'Where is he now, then?'

'He's at his, I hope ... It's where I left him this morning, anyway ... What ya wanna do? Ya need me to come back with ya?' He was looking down at me, still grinning.

'Nah, I got my passport in my bag, I got money in the bank ... Reckon it's time I pissed-off on holiday.' I looked at Beth and Chelsea. 'Some time-out would be good for a while ... Reassess my priorities ... We'll see, won't we? If it's meant to be and all that.'

I was holding Stevie's hand and looking at everyone as I said it. It sounded like the best idea to me, anyway.

I walked over to Beth, slid my engagement ring off and gave it to her. 'Can you look after that for me, please? Just in case,' I nodded.

Beth replied, softly, 'Ya sure ya know what ya doing, honey? Sure ya don't want to keep hold of it ... For now, anyway ...?'

'If I want it back, I know it's safe with you.'

Smiling, I clasped her hand slowly shut and walked towards my coat and bag. I knew I had to go and do something else for a while. I knew I didn't want to be there, not just then.

'Look at you all looking so worried,' I smiled. 'I'll be by soon ... Don't fret ... You can't get rid of me that easily, I'm afraid ...'

And with that I headed out the door, Stevie and Chels behind me, Beth following to wave.

'So, where ya thinking a heading then?' Stevie chirped as he and Chels rested against my car.

We'd walked arm in arm from the house, one each side of me, and were stood in the drive, the glorious sunshine making our eyes squint a little in the light.

'Don't know ... There's always Australia.' I elbowed Stevie gently in the ribs as I continued. 'It seems I've done Canada to death ...'

We grinned at each other as he repositioned the cowboy hat on his head and I moved to the car door.

Stevie's a lovely guy and I love him like a brother. My only friend through the times of being homesick, he was always there to talk if I needed him. When they were away touring in the early days, he'd often ring, just to catch up. I very rarely heard from Max, unless I phoned him of course.

I finally got into the car after hugs and kisses. The window down, I waved to Beth, still stood at the door.

'Just keep in touch, ya hear,' Stevie called as I reversed down the drive.

'I will ... Stop hassling me ... I'll be back soon ... Promise,' I chortled from my car window.

They waved me onto the track and out of sight, still shouting their goodbyes, they calls lost in the dry heat of the day.

Kiss It Goodbye

The sounds were groovy in the car as I drove towards the airport. It was midday, the roads becoming more congested the nearer to Calgary I got. What the hell, I was in no rush, I was just going to pick the next flight out and go. No shit, up, up and away.

An hour later I found myself with no baggage wading through the ticket section. I scanned the boards and prepared to make a choice as to where I was going. Hawaii, Barbados or maybe lose myself in the Bermuda Triangle? The choices were limitless.

A couple of young head-bangers recognised me because of the shoot at the house a few months back. Again, that bloody magazine about Rock celebs. Not my thing but Max was good for a few photos. He thrived on it, whereas I tried to get away from the camera as often as I could. I ignored them both and turned back to my departure menu. Decisions, decisions!

It was while I was stood looking up at the destinations I heard the commotion to my right. Looking down the long line of ticket desks into the distance, I could just hear raised voices, but then went back to my search. With my eyes closed, I asked myself, 'Pick a number, any number ...'

'13 ... Lucky for some!' was the reply. I opened them and laughed, London. That did it for me. Maybe I did need some time in the motherland. It wouldn't do me any harm being on home turf for a while.

The loud voices where getting nearer, as I made my way to get my ticket. I dug my passport and wallet from my bag and stood in a queue. It was then I saw the flashing cameras and the reason for the ruckus.

From nowhere, Joey appeared and pulled me to one side, pushing me towards a door and out into sunshine and warm air.

' ... Jesus, Joey ... What the fu...'

'Sorry, I had to do that ... I saw ya from six desks away and I knew if ya saw her, with the kid, well ...' He trailed off as he watched my face change. 'She's flying down to L.A. to meet up with her latest squeeze ... Please, Tee, I didn't want ya to see her in there like that ... Ya okay? ... Ya look like shit, mate ...'

I knew straight away who he was talking about, it was the way he'd spat _she's_ out. I hit him straight in the chest with both fists, pushing him a step backwards, and then threw my bag onto the ground whilst letting out a wail of frustration.

'... Bum, Shit, ARSE,' I screamed at the sky, 'am I always to be haunted by that evil COW?'

The last of my words took what was left of my energy. I plonked onto the pavement next to Joey's feet. He plonked down next to me and slung an arm around my neck.

'Arh, fuck, I'm sorry, Tee ... At least we got rid of her for now,' he grinned at me as he gave me another squeeze. 'So, what we gonna do with ya, now, aye?'

'Well ... I was just about to buy a ticket and fly back to England for a bit of a holiday ... Until I was rudely abducted from my queue,' I sneered back at him.

'Don't be like that ... And I said I'm sorry,' he grinned, feebly. 'Why don't ya spend some time in the States? Ya can drive it from here, make a road trip out of it ... Come on ... Use ya imagination.'

He crushed me to his side again and smiled with a little more light in his eyes.

'Why don't ya do that Ranch House holiday ya said ya liked the sound of? ... Now's ya chance ...'

'I know ... But I just wanted to go home, Joey,' I replied, in a suddenly tired voice, my head dropping onto my knees, sat in the gutter, taxis and luggage trolleys rushing passed us.

'Like I said ... At least she's fucking gone ... Come on, Tee ... Where's the fighter I know and love? Don't give up on him ...'

I looked at him sideways, turning my head slowly as my features froze.

He grinned and continued. 'Yeah, I know ... He's a pain in the arse ... And ya know that too ... But ... He does love ya, very much, and before ya get all defensive and start hitting me again, he didn't know about it, it wasn't planned ... And she's so stitched him up, he's fucked, Tee ...'

His arm was still around my shoulders as we sat there, the world in chaos around us. We were occupying a different time zone, a parallel universe. We were shut out from reality. I held my breath to hear his words better.

'I saw him this morning, Tee ... He's a broken man ...'

'Yeah, and I'm a broken woman, Joey,' I butted in. 'I didn't do this to us ... And I can't do this anymore ... Doesn't he see what he's doing to me by not telling me the truth, and I mean weeks, even months ago ... I was at home, closing down my business, when that shit was going on ... And in fucking London, of all bloody places ... And, as usual, I'm the last twat to know, again ...'

My voice started as a whisper and ended as a rant on the sidewalk. People could see me then. I'd re-joined their reality by slipping into anger.

'... Thank you very much for your advice, Joey, but I gotta get the fuck outta here before I kill someone ...'

And, with that, I grabbed my bag and walked off in the direction of the car park. I knew I wouldn't be catching a plane. The thrill of the flight had most definitely gone.

Joey tagged along a few paces behind as if he needed to spy on me.

I turned saying, 'Joey, please go away ... You're really starting to piss me off now ...'

'... I'm sorry ... I gotta go this way ... It's where I parked the car,' he replied, shading his eyes from the sun with his hands.

'Why are you here anyway? ... What you doing at the airport? Were you dropping that mangy ho off?' I asked over my shoulder, as I carried on along the path.

He caught up with me, 'Yeah ... I'm working personal security for Human Records ... She's engaged to that Music Producer, Mickey Markwell.' He was looking at me as we walked. 'She's trying to change, Tee ... She stopped drinking and smoking, and all her other shit, when she found out she was up the gut with the sprog ...'

'Oh, please, don't make me hit you again ... She took her fucking time about it, didn't she?' I replied, as my step speed increased with anger. 'For fuck sake Joey, I don't want to hear poor him or poor her... So, please,' I stopped and turned to him, 'don't feed me bullshit and call it food ...'

His sad eyes were studying my face. 'She doesn't want Max or anything from him ... She's all loved up with Mickey ... They're getting married, Tee ...'

'How fucking nice for them ... Now, piss off, Joey ... Please ...'

I turned and walked to my car. He was stood leant against the driver's door before I reached it.

'Now, you listen to me, girly,' he said, his eyebrows lowered, his finger wagging at my chest, 'That guy's life was incredible until twenty-four hours ago ... He told me last week, I'm living the dream, Joey ... He also said he'd found the love of his life, an everything was sweet.'

He placed a hand on my cheek and smiled, leaving a warm spot where his palm had been.

'Now, I ain't saying he's an angel, ya know him better than anyone, and he can be a real bast'd sometimes, but, that one night I wasn't there to keep her away from him, that's all it took ... I knew somethin was well wrong when I rescued him from that lousy London hotel, just before I took him back to the guys ... He had a way about him, a look, one I didn't like ... I kinda knew it was probably somethin to do with her ... And I'm so sorry, love, I just couldn't tell ya ...'

Without even knowing it, Joey retold me the whole story. It was the night Max went missing in London. I was packing to move to Calgary. He got mashed up and went walkabout with that little cretin from Cowland. I remember it well. The sleepless night, the calls this way and that, the relief of him appearing again. That was almost a year ago, almost a year.

'Lar, lar, lar, I'm not listening,' I sang, with my fingers in my ears. Dropping my hands, I laughed, 'Joey, enough ... He should have thought about the love of his life as he was pissing our relationship up the wall ... Let's face it, he's screwed himself now, hasn't he?' I grinned, overly happy. 'Who did what to whom doesn't interest me anymore ... It's about what he shouldn't have done, while I was pooping myself about him missing at 3 a.m. in the bloody morning ... Why, I ask myself, did I ever think it would last? ... Doomed from the start, Joey, doomed, from the start ...'

I took him by the waist and pushed him till he stepped sideways and away from the car door. He had his hands rammed into his pockets as his eyebrows rose.

It was warm within. I fired it up, the bass bursting from the speakers. I smiled at him, as my window came down, and chuckled, 'Oh, and when ya see him next, tell him I said hi.'

I reversed and waved a goodbye out the window as the car's engine echoed around the hollow space. After the first bend, he was gone from my rear-view mirror.

I don't know how long I drove. I topped up the tank with gas and headed south towards and beyond Calgary. No sign posts pushed me into stunning countryside with acres of sky. I was going to drive till dusk and then stop at the next town with a Motel.

Driving into the twilight, hypnotised by my headlights on the road, I felt sleep creeping over my brain. A town sign flashed by in my blurred vision, Silver Spring. I drove the long Main Street, clocked the McCall's bar, its neon lights and beer sign glowing bright, and the liquor store across the road.

I swerved over, jumped out and collected myself a bottle of Jack. Five hundred yards down, on the left, sat a Motel, it was set back from the road with a few cars out front. I knew it wouldn't get any better than that.

Starting the car, I purred along the street and pulled onto the forecourt. I took my room key from the kid at the desk, he was sat reading that bloody head bangers magazine, and then crossed the car park to the steps. The room looked out over the car, which was good, I'd be sleeping with an ear open, and that's for sure. It was okay, not the Hilton by any means, but it would do for a few nights, and the bed had clean sheets. That's all that mattered after the day I'd just had.

I opened my bottle and drank from a glass I found by the mirror on the night stand. The first glassful emptied into a dry and sour mouth, the liquid quenching a day of thirst. Flicking on the telly, I left it on mute and watched the news channel for a bit, bottle at my side. Bored, I jumped from station to station till I caught a brief glimpse of Mickey Markwell. I popped the sound on and listened.

Celeb News was reporting about Mickey Markwell and his soon to be wife, Anna-Lee. Their sumptuous wedding, to be held in the grounds of their new Los Angeles home, was planned for Christmas. They'd be having snow shipped in from Alaska and ice sculptures decorating the garden, blah, blah, blah.

I switched it back to mute but followed the screen in silence. There were some shots of them together, them posing at a Gala, arms round each other, smiling, followed by a clip of him talking into a huge mike carried by a reporter.

Next, the two of them on a couch holding hands being interviewed. She looked all healthy and girly, while he was being all manly and attentive. She certainly looked a different person but, in my mind, she was still a piece of crap, and I just wanted to bitch-slap her smug face, hard.

I drifted off into a time before, Max and I having picnics and wild sex in the meadow. Spending all day, snuggled up, watching sport and having pillow fights, making love in the sunshine on the rug in the den. I was sad for losing so much.

I wondered what we could have done differently. He could've fucking told me, last year, when it happened. That's what he should've done. He could have told me when she had the baby, how long ago? But no, nothing. Whatever, again.

I found a music channel and turned the sound up in hope it would calm my mind a little. The first notes that crashed into the room were instantly recognisable. Jake and Stevie posed on a makeshift stage as Max cranked his way through 'We're Done'. Rather apt song I thought, considering the lyrics. Realising it would have to be lots of Jack to drink him out of my head, I grabbed my coat and bag, switched off the telly, and headed out to find some other form of entertainment.

Deciding on McCall's up the road, I walked in that direction. Two minutes and I was there. The badly lit bar held a mix of people, some were scattered at tables, they looked over. The only voices heard were the rowdy young bucks playing pool. They nudged and nodded in my direction, as I walked to the bar, stupid boyish grins on their faces, half lit from the low shaded light.

A few oldies were watching some music channel, Country n Western, I reckoned. A girly, in a short skirt, cowboy boots and hat, sat in an old pickup banging on about how her lover was coming home soon.

I bought a bottle of Jack and sat at the tables in the darker part of the room. I collected my glass, a jug of water, and readied myself for a quite night.

The Jack felt good as it slid down my throat. The first three shots disappeared instantly, hardly leaving a mark in the glass. That was just what I'd needed and I savoured the moments. Feeling at ease, I sighed and topped my glass up, over and over. Watching the strangers in the bar, I listened to their voices, their laughter and banter. It was nice to be a no one again.

Having drunk nearly half the bottle, I took both that and my glass to the bar and perched on a tall stool. The Jack was pushed along to the old boy sitting next one down.

'Fancy a shot, my friend ... I'm tired of drinking alone? May I join you?' I slurred slightly, my words identifiable regardless of the fact.

The old boy turned to me as a smile lit his face. 'Why, yes ya may ... And I don't mind if I do, young lady.' His old knackered baseball cap sat at a jaunty angle on his head. 'Thank ya, kindly ...'

I sat my time out with the old boys, chatting and singing along with the songs. I finished the bottle with them and then strolled back to my room. I was singing, Promise Me, an Ea$y power ballad, as I fell onto the bed, arms stretched out and eyelids pulled down for the night.

Touchdown

I awoke, bright and early, to another beautiful day. The town was up and at 'em so I thought it was the right time for breakfast. I showered and dressed in yesterday's clothes, which was an issue I was hoping to rectify without too much of a delay. The room was mine until further notice, it wasn't like it was busy or anything. It was comfortable and clean, that's all I wanted.

I'd been advised by the young guy on the desk to try the café up the road. 'Good food!' he'd smiled through the window with his thumbs up.

Heading down Main Street, Ma King's is located between Boss's Hardware Store and Freddy's Ice-cream Palace. The room was dark and cool after the brightness of the morning, so I chose a table by the window.

People bustled about and called to each other by name. 'Hi ya, great morning' said every second, big smiles accompanying their words. Different world there and I liked it. No one knew me and I was free from all the crap left back at the lodge. The day was fine and I was feeling good.

I consumed a breakfast of eggs and bacon followed by pancakes. After washing it all down with strong coffee and juice, I paid my bill and walked out into warmer air. Ambling down the street, I looked in shop windows and smiled at people who smiled back. Standing before a plate-glass window, I realised how untidy I must have looked. It also showed me another reflection, the answer to my dishevelled state. Turning round, low and behold, behind me, across the street, was a ladies dress shop.

I trotted over and entered the little room crammed with clothes. You name it and it was in there, in all the colours of the rainbow. The little lady was very sweet, she helped me choose a few nice shirts, a couple of vests, some leggings and a pair of denim shorts. Finding bra and panty sets that fitted like a glove helped ,so a few were added to the pile on the counter. Wearing the denim deck shoes I found on a back shelf, I settled the bill and walked into the sunlight sporting one of my new outfits, bags swinging at my calves.

Looking back to where I'd walked from, at the far end of the street, I wished I was at home. Maybe I did need some time in England. Suddenly, I felt so homesick and so alone it welled up as a tide inside my chest. I caught the tears, as they started, and made a feeble effort at trying to stop them by walking through a side gate into a quiet area of garden.

I'd been doing so well and then out of the blue Max was in my head. Even when I wasn't thinking about him he was hiding behind a daydream. Flashes of his face flickered through my mind so I screwed my eyes shut against more tears. The harder I pushed my palms into my eyes, the brighter his image became.

'What the hell am I doing?' I said aloud to myself. 'Why I am being like this, over him? Come on, woman... See him for what he is ...'

'... Miss, are ya okay there?'

The gentle voice came from behind me. My eyes came to rest on the little lady from the dress shop. Seems I'd wondered into her pretty garden to hide.

'I thought I heard some weeping going on ... Come and sit down awhile ... I got some cold homemade lemonade inside, and it looks like you could do with some, right about now,' she soothed, taking my arm and walking with me to a seat. 'What's brought all this on? Ya were fine in the shop! Happy as a bluebird, and now look at ya ... Arh, don't cry, it ain't worth it, trust me.' She rubbed the back of my hand as though it were cold.

After she returned with her laden tray, the lemonade was poured from the large glass jug, the ice chinking against the side in the sunlight. It was so nice to sit, with company, who I didn't know all that well, and feel as if I'd actually landed. I tried to smile as I turned to her, my thanks said as I took my full glass, frozen water chunks included.

'I think he's screwed up, big time ... We were just living our lives one moment ... And the next, well ... It's all gone wrong ... How did that happen?' I poured out, the crying almost stopped. 'Why do they always have to be such stupid arses? I really tried, and I love him so much, what else could he have wanted? What?' I stumbled on.

The lovely lady blinked into the sun with her glass in hand, and chirped, 'I don't know ... Men are so fickle ... Does he want children? Is that what's missing?' Her face turned towards me and she gave me a pretty little smile.

'We've never once talked about having kids. They haven't even come up in a conversation. Funny you should bring that up, though ... After what's recently come to light,' I chuckled ironically to myself.

'Child, I know who you're ... You're the girlfriend a that Rock Star my nephew, Stuart, is always listening to ... He reads all them music magazines ... My sister Rose, she showed me that shoot the pair of ya did a few months back.' She smiled across the table. 'I knew, as soon as ya walked in, who ya were ... Heard from Stuart about the mess y'all got yourselves in, it was on his Rock Music Channel news, they did some big report, had pics of you too ... Where you been, girl? It's already hit the press ... And I'm guessing ya didn't know about that, by the look on ya face right now ... Is that about right?'

I wiped my eyes dry as my gaze swung her way. 'Wow, so what do I do now? Now it's hit the bloody press, where do I go? ... Home or,' turning, to stare off into the middle distance, I chuckled, 'do I go back to more lies? It's screwed, isn't it?'

'Only if ya say it is ... I don't know much, but I do know if ya want anything in this life, ya gotta fight for it. Nothing comes easy, and that's life.' Her eyes crinkled into another smile. 'I heard a quote once ... It went, everyone's gonna hurt ya, ya just gotta find the ones worth suffering for. Only you can make that decision but, just remember,' her right hand was placed over her heart as she grinned, 'forgiveness comes from in here.'

I knew what she was saying. She stood and walked into the shop when the doorbell rang. I remained sat in the small, wild garden, the sound echoing around the yard, drinking my lovely cold lemonade. She didn't return for a while, so I sat with my face to the sun, getting my battery charged for the next part of my crazy journey.

As I was lost in the sounds of bees and chatter far away, my phone ringing in my bag bought me back to earth. I wrestled with the pocket and looked at the screen. It was Stevie. I sat listening to the sound, deciding whether to answer it or not. Eventually, it rang off and I placed it back in its pocket, out of sight.

When the lady reappeared, again, she came carrying another tray. This time it sported a selection of pastries and cups of Earl Grey tea. I could smell the lovely aroma on the breeze.

Placing it on the table she chortled, 'I've shut the shop for lunch ... I have my hour every day ...' She plonked herself on the seat opposite and passed me a plate.

'... This is so kind of you. You didn't have to go to all this trouble,' I said, whilst taking a plate and being passed an Earl Grey.

'I do this, same time every day ... Same spread, even.'

Using tongs she lifted mini éclairs onto a bone china plate to my right.

'All I did was add another setting ... Simple,' she giggled to herself, as she lifted small squares of pastry and cream from the pretty cake stand.

'My name is Winnie Bloom, I'm fifty-five years old, I've never married, I have two cats called Sparky and Mac, and we all live in the little flat above the shop ... I go to Church on Sunday, and I'm a member of the local photography club.'

She smiled across the table as a cream moustache was licked from her top lip.

'Ya don't need to introduce yourself,' she said, 'ya Max Manley's girlfriend, Tee Jackson, and you're from Buckinghamshire, England .. See ... I remembered that much ... Not bad, huh?'

We sat chatting as we sipped Earl Grey, that Winnie and I. We talked about her years at the shop and how she'd always dreamt of being a photographer for a paper. She'd had some pictures in the local press, copies of which were stuck to her fridge. She talked about the love she'd lost in Vietnam, Bobby-Jay, and how she never found a man to replace him. Her eyes went misty as she recalled the day his Pa and her Mama told her he wasn't ever coming home. She tried to explain the sound of a heart breaking and guessed I had an inkling of it.

She asked, and I told, the sorry of how Max and I had met. The calm washed over me as I sat with that strange, little lady, feeling at home and the sun on my face.

The shop remained closed for the rest of the day, as we giggled and talked the afternoon away. Eventually, the sun dropped towards the land and the shadows grew longer. The trays was taken into the shop and it was all tidy again, as if we hadn't even been there.

'Have ya had some time to think,' she asked across the table at long last, 'about what ya gonna do next? You'll be away from here soon, I'm guessin ... Where will ya go?... Home?'

I looked at my hands in my lap and spoke softly into the breeze. 'I haven't a bloody clue what to do, or where to go next ... I was kinda meant to be working at this moment in time ... This sure has upset my plans.' I snorted out a laugh after the last of my sentence.

Reality came crashing down on me. Where was I going, and what next? I had plenty of money, I could buy or rent a place of my own for a while. Have some me time then get back to work. Maybe, block all the crap out and find myself, again, under all the debris. I turned to Winnie and smiled.

'You wouldn't know of any places for sale, or rent, around here, would you?'

Her face was beaming as it turned back towards me, the sunshine putting a twinkle in her pretty, dark eyes.

Within two days of staying at the Motel, Winnie had, indeed, found me a house in Silver Spring that I could rent, immediately, from an old friend of hers. The lady concerned was away, cruising around the world with her toy boy, of sixty-eight, and they weren't expected back for at least another six months.

We had a look around the place and struck a deal, the funny, little house was exactly where I could imagine myself. I handed over a six months' rent cheque in advance.

I had no intentions of leaving town after being offered that place. She said I didn't need to do pay so much up front but, as I explained, the house was a tad neglected and it could help pay for the work. It looked like I was going to be there for a while, so I had to bite the bullet and think about retrieving my laptop and work stuff from Max's place. I had my drawing board and office in my studio and, sadly, I would need all that.

The house came unfurnished, the contents, away in storage, awaiting its owners return. I would need to address that, so I compiled a list, a bed for me at the top. Winnie mentioned some guy who sold second hand frames in town.

'Beautiful brass ones,' she said, 'all tainted an old ... And we'll find ya a mattress ... Don't ya go worrying about that ...'

It wasn't too bad, all in all, needed a tidy up and some paint, but that was about it. It had electricity and water. What else could I possibly need? It wouldn't take any time at all to get it painted right through, and the problem was solved that afternoon.

Winnie rang a local chap who appeared shortly after and we went through colour charts. Once they were all chosen, I moved onto the carpets. Another local guy was bought in for that, as was someone to fix the shower over my bath.

The stove would need to be kept going, if I wanted hot water, night and day. The chimney would need sweeping, if I wanted an open fire come the chilly evenings. And all those things were being explained to me as I moved around the room, measuring up for curtains and blinds.

Ten days later, I moved into, what was by then, an almost new house. The walls were all freshly decorated, the attic master bedroom and en suite finished and plumbed in. The rooms were furnished with what I could beg, borrow and buy locally. Winnie asked Mabel, who then asked Betty, for yards and yards of white voile, cheap. The bedsteads appeared one day, as did the mattresses.

Winnie had spread the word there was a new face in town. People dropped by all week with items I might find a use for, garden furniture, two old couches, a long pine table just like Beth's. I made coffee, handed out beers and cookies as a thank you, and all were gratefully received.

Within the following four days the house was furnished, blinds and curtains hung, and my world looked rosy again. I still hadn't broached the issue regarding moving work there. I hadn't wanted to think about that crap. I was having some fun and didn't want to burst the bubble, not just then.

How To Lose Yourself

I'd been in about a week when my mobile rang. Planting the flowers Winnie had left me, I checked the screen and saw Stevie's number illuminated.

'Hey, you ... How ya doin?' I smiled, resting back on the grass in the front yard, Stevie's old cowboy hat shielding my eyes from the sun as I studied my funny house.

It was quiet for a second and then Stevie's voice replied, 'I'm good, but ... What about you? How ya doing? ... And more to the damn point, where ya doin it? You're being too quiet, Ma hasn't heard from ya in over three weeks ... I did ring, a while back, but I got no answer ... We worry is all, hon.' His concern oozed from the phone and pulled at my heart. 'What's going on then? Where you at, girl ...?'

'I'm in a small town going south on the 810, Silver Spring ... You'll find it on the map if you have a look ... I stopped when I couldn't drive anymore ... I'm still calming down, Stevie,' I chirped, my voice sounding tired. 'The boy done screwed up, my friend, big time, literally ... But he'll get used to it, I guess ... Either he will or he won't ... At this moment in time, my dear, I couldn't really give a crap about any of it.'

My voice had no warmth for the subject matter, and I only wanted to talk about him, Chels and Beth, not Max and his damn mess.

'Well... He is one stupid asshole and no mistaking,' he laughed. 'Ma sends her love ... Says ya need to come and visit soon, she misses ya ... Chels wants to know if you'll still be coming over for her birthday ... It's the weekend after next, don't forget ... Me, I'm looking forward to more studio time. Just waiting for Max to get his shit together and we can get going again.'

He was trying to keep it unrelated to Max, but they were in each other's lives every day. I knew he'd have to mention him eventually.

'Well, he's still not drinking, and he's done nothing but work since ya left.' I could hear him breathing down the line. 'He took a few days out at Ma's but, other than that, he's spent most a his time with his face to his strings.'

He fell silent and I didn't really want to be having that conversation. Not on a happy, sunny day, anyway.

'Well, actually, while you're on the phone, I'd like to invite you, Chels and Ma to my house warming party this weekend.' I bounced it down the line into the silence. 'There's some nice people here I'd like you all to meet ...'

'Jesus, ya bought a damn house? ... Holy shit,' was blurted back at me as he laughed, 'Yee-fuckin-ha to ya, honey ... I wish I could hug ya just about now, but I can wait till I see ya.' While he was speaking I heard him slap the desk in the background.

I didn't correct him by saying it was only rented. That way it sounded a little more permanent and, most of all, I hadn't actually said it, had I? Stevie had jumped to that conclusion all by himself. I left it at that.

'Yeah, we'll be there ... Give me the damn details,' he continued. I could hear the scrabble for a pen as paper was being rustled.

I gave him the address, my new landline number, and explained the best way to find me.

'Drive to the end of the Main Street, passed the bookstore on the left ... You'll see a track that leads off along the fields ... I'm the last house on the edge of town ...'

We chatted for a bit and I thanked him for phoning. He said he couldn't wait to see me in the country, thought I was all city and noise. We laughed through our goodbyes and I was soon alone again.

I walked through to the kitchen to pop on the kettle and thought about the weekend to come. I decided to get some home baking done and have cookies and bread ready for their arrival on the Saturday. I also wanted to invite a few new friends, and Winnie was first on my list.

Before I knew it, Saturday had arrived and I heard car doors slamming in the front yard. Wiping my hands on my apron I walked out into the shade on the veranda to see Stevie, Chels and Beth come walking towards the house. It was a glorious day with little breeze, the sun was hot and the flowers scent was awash in the air.

Chelsea was the first into my out stretched arms. Not one for words, she looked into my face and smiled. 'Lookin good ... Whatever it is, I want some ... And I'm likin the pinny too, very sexy ...'

Stevie was hot on her heals. He'd been looking over the yard with Beth as they walked towards the steps. 'Nice place,' he chuckled as he enveloped me in his arms. 'I'm impressed ... I like the spot, very much ... How the hell did ya find this ...?'

I explained about my effort to try and escape, followed by the confrontation with Joey at the airport. Whilst I hugged Beth and showed them into the house, I continued onto the story of winding up in town and how I met Winnie. I was stood, putting the coffee pot on, as the story of finding the house was coming to an end.

Stevie was nodding and smiling to himself as he ambled from room to room. I'd lit the stove in the kitchen and baked in the morning. Fresh homemade bread and cookies sat on the side. Chelsea was sat at the old pine table nibbling on the one she'd pinched from the pile.

'So, now I'm here ... And I'm feeling very happy with myself for finding it, thanks to Winnie, who'll you'll meet later ... Sadly there's one more thing I need to get sorted.'

I was topping up the sugar bowl as I spoke. I looked over at Stevie and smiled.

'Ya need ya office for work?'

He was sat next to Chelsea at the table and was dunking a cookie in his cup of black coffee.

I joined them sitting. 'Yep, that's the one! ... And, I'm afraid to say, I've got to get it sorted out soon ... I'm kinda not looking forward to having to go back though, if you get my drift ...'

'Arh, don't worry ... It'll be cool, honest,' Stevie half smiled back. 'We're all back in the studio for a while ... Now might be a good time, or in the next few weeks, anyway, if ya want it done soon. There's a lot of equipment there, honey ... You'll be needing movers to help ...'

'You gonna volunteer then?' I chuckled round to Beth, before smiling over at Stevie consuming another dunked cookie.

Beth was sat beside me listening to the banter and the sounds of the house.

'What ya reckon Ma? Should I help her move her stuff? ... Again?' Stevie had his arm round Chelsea's shoulders.

She was leant into him still nibbling her cookie. She was about two thirds of the way through the one she'd acquired when she'd got there.

Beth chuckled, 'I reckon it's always a good thing to help a damsel in distress, son ... And, apart from that, we always look out for our own, don't we?'

She patted my hand and was smiling at me in her lovely way, all twinkly eyes and up turned lips, just like Max.

'Ya don't have to go if ya don't want to,' Chelsea chirped, brushing crumbs from her chest where the remains of her cookie had collected, 'I can always go in ya place ... I don't mind over-seeing all those men working.' She poked Stevie in the ribs, with her finger, and sniggered before kissing him full on the lips.

We bantered till I saw the clock and then exploded into action. 'Jeez, is that the time? I gotta get dinner going ... I got guests arriving in about an hour ... Where the hell did that time go?'

I was talking as I whirled round the cupboards and fridge, pulling stuff out and placing it on the work surfaces.

'... Right ...' I finally stopped at the end of the table and placed my hands on my hips. A strand of stray hair slid across my face and stuck itself to my eyelashes. Without thinking, I blew out of the corner of my mouth to push it away.

I smiled at my guests. '... Okay ... Let's get you lovely people settled into your rooms ... Follow me, please, and I'll give you a whirl wind tour of my funny, little house ...'

Beth and I waited for Stevie to get the bags from the car with Chelsea. We chatted as I led them up the stairs to their rooms.

I'd put Beth in the back room overlooking the little garden and beyond, to meadowland and Maple trees. A pale peach wash graced the walls, while white woodwork picked out the finer details. All the white furniture had a rustic charm, was locally sourced and was locally second-hand. Tie-dyed, pale peach voile bellowed at the open window as the smell of fresh flowers lifted through the air.

Beth looked at me and smiled, as Stevie placed her overnight bag on the bed. I showed her the en suite and then walked towards the door.

'... Have time and settle in, we'll be across the hall,' I grinned.

She'd sat in the armchair by the window, as I made my way out, the sun full on her face as a smile covered it. As I turned back, she'd kicked off her shoes and slouched down into the soft cushions. I left her to her sunshine and met the others on the landing.

I took the guys into the front bedroom. Cool blue shades adorned the walls as the warm air was disturbed by our movements. Fine particles of dust rose and fell like tiny flakes of snow in the light of the bay. It came to rest on a book laid on the window seat.

I walked the room explaining en suite and wardrobe space as bags were placed on chairs. They walked around looking in drawers and peeking through doors. I watched them both from the sunlight seat and smiled to myself. I really love those guys.

That family with me, The Manley Clan, they had somehow become my adopted family. I'd never experienced that before and hadn't even noticed it happening. It brought a warm feeling to my chest and made my eyes go a little misty. I lifted the hem of my apron and wiped them.

Stevie saw the action and, with a quizzical look on his face, asked, 'Ya okay, hon? What's wrong?'

Chelsea turned towards me from the bathroom door.

'Nothing,' I replied, dropping the hem from my hands. 'Just dust in my eye ... I'm fine ... Really.'

I sniffed back my silliness and walked to Stevie. Placing my hands on his waist, I turned and smiled.

'Get yourselves settled and join me, in the kitchen, for drinkies o'clock, yeah?'

I kissed Stevie on the cheek and ambled downstairs to start dinner. I still hadn't a clue what to do. Looking at the bits and bobs I'd pulled out earlier, I realised I couldn't actually do much with a tin of pineapple, some shallots and a pot of crunchy peanut butter. I leant against the work surface and laughed at myself.

'Reckon it must be drinkies o'clock, then,' I grinned, taking the Jack from the cupboard and pouring myself a large one.

It was while I was indulging myself I heard footsteps on the stairs. It was Beth. I smiled at her as she walked over and took a seat at the table.

'All settled in? Hope you like the room.'

I moved to sit with her, the Jack and my glass in my hands. All was quiet.

'The room's lovely, I love the house ... And the yard's real pretty, too ... Ya got yaself a nice spot here ... I hope ya happy, ya should be.'

Her hand slid into her cardigan pocket and she placed a small blue box on the table.

'Ya won't be wanting this then ... If ya staying here ... I was thinking, maybe ya should give it back to him ... Seems only right,' she half smiled, just like Max.

'Like they say, Beth ... The game isn't over till the final whistle blows,' I smiled. 'Honestly, I'm just having some time-out ... I know it looks more permanent than that, and I'm sorry ... But I just need some time, on my own ... Do you understand what I mean?'

She nodded but stayed quiet as I continued.

'Can you keep hold of it for me, please?'

The little box rested in my hands, the jewel staring up at me.

'He came and stayed with me, awhile, after all the upset ... He just moped about a lot and was very quiet ... I knew he was thinking about something. We had a chat about that night, he don't remember much ... He certainly don't remember being with her, not in that way.'

She meant the two of them sleeping together, but she just couldn't say the words.

'Beth, I don't think I really care, anymore ... I'm more pissed about him not telling me when he found out. Okay, so he says he can't remember whether he did or not ... That's besides the bloody point ... What on earth was he doing near the cunning cow in the first place? Didn't he remember me? Didn't I even cross his mind when he was stood next to her?'

I looked over at Beth, placing the box on the table between us.

'I was less than thirty miles away, packing up my life in England ... I loved him, so much, I just wanted to be with him, but there's always been three people in our relationship, and I hate it.'

'So, ya saying ya don't love him now then, is that it?'

Her face was sad around the eyes as she almost whispered the words, 'Don't give up on him, Tee ... Please ... He needs ya more than ever ... And he loves ya, so much ... I know ya don't want to hear that from me ... And I'd rather not be the one saying it ... Cuz we both know, really, it should be him ...'

I looked down at my hands. 'I still love him, Beth ... I can't help that ...'

'Then fight for him, Tee.' Her voice increased in volume as she made her plea. 'Chase that no good piece a trash away, for good, and have him all to yourself ... Ya so good together ... Don't let her win ... Not again.'

Determination sprung into her face, making me smile at her efforts to hold her little family together.

'She's getting married at Christmas, some music producer. They've got a lovely new home in L.A. Seems she's found a new tool to screw with.' I huffed out a laugh. 'Still leaves the question about the baby, though, doesn't?' I held her gaze. 'Is it his?' My voice was flat. It was never going to be an easy or happy conversation.

'I don't know if he's the Daddy.' Her pause took her gaze down to her hands on the table. 'We filed the paperwork, and he's had the blood tests ... I guess it's down to them now.'

She tried to smile at me, I understood her anxiety. She could be a Grandma to a child she may never see. It touched her life and made her sad.

We talked on as she helped me with dinner. I'd put a dent in the Jack and had to stop drinking. I didn't want to get all emotional. It was meant to be a nice day surrounded by friends and almost family. And all evening the conversation we'd just had, sat at the back of my mind as _then fight for him_ echoed around a vacant lot, fondly known as my brain.

By the time Stevie and Chelsea came back down, fresh bread and two huge bowls of salad sat on the table, with two bottles of red wine, corked and ready to be consumed. Chelsea made her way over and poured a glass. She swirled it around in her hand as she sauntered into the front room and dropped down onto the squishy couch.

Stevie hovered over the salad, picking out green pepper. He was crunching it as he walked to the fridge to grab a beer.

'Something sure smells good ... Whatever it is, it won't last long ... I'm so hungry I could eat my own ass ...' He winked at me as he wandered over to join Chelsea.

Lasagne was in the oven, the smell divine. I was just waiting for the rest of my guests to arrive. Beth finished arranging the table and asked who else was coming. I explained that I'd asked Winnie, plus Walt and Gina, from across the way, would also be joining us. Walt used to farm locally.

They still had the old house, but most of the land now belonged to his son. Walt still tried his hand at the little jobs, spent a lot of time in his old John Deere tractor, and ran errands for Gina. We'd met on the night of my arrival. He and his buddies had helped me finish my bottle of Jack in the bar.

Gina, his wife, was a teacher before she had the three boys, all adults then, of course. Now, she spent her days in the garden and entertaining grandkids, her favourite hobbies. We'd met walking the lane one day and had struck up a conversation about the wild flowers.

As the buzzer for the oven sounded, the doorbell rang. Winnie had arrived first and was closely followed by Walt and Gina. They had all walked the drive together talking about the lovely evening and how pretty the sky was.

Pale lilac strips of colour criss-crossed the watery blue above. The sun was low and lost behind the trees. The cooling of the day walked the fields towards the house, the air fresh and sweet with the smell of Night Scented Stock drifting by on a breeze.

I liked the feeling of that night, as I sat with those people, listening to the banter and laughter, full to the brim with good food and excellent wine. Stevie and Walt hit it off straight away. Stevie's childhood on the farm had Walt laughing till tears came to his eyes and a coughing fit followed. Beth was sat in conversation with Gina and Winnie as though they were childhood friends. Gina was playing with the ring on her finger as she talked.

Gina was married young to an older man. Walt had been love at first sight. He was married to his first wife, then, and Gina was only twenty-one. She'd just finished college and was home for the summer. At the end of that year, Milly, Walt's first wife, was gone, the cancer, not seen soon enough, had spread like wildfire. She was only forty-four years old.

Walt was older by twenty years and he wasn't doing badly at eighty-six. He still got in and out of his own tractor, and classed that as tip-top condition.

Gina was his first love. Millie had been a childhood sweetheart, but marriage at nineteen had strangled them. They had gone through the motions and raised their son and daughter well. Walt had done all the Dad things and was proud of all five of his kids.

After Millie passed away they met again, fell in love, got married and had great pleasure in seeing all the kids grow and have their own families. Gina and Walt looked well on their years. Love for life flooded from those people.

Chelsea was sat on the couch again, legs up and lying across the other seats. She looked like a well fed panther drinking her red wine and smiling to herself. I surveyed the room, my chin resting in my right palm as I listened in silence to the chuckles and chatter. I turned when I felt an arm around my shoulder. Chelsea had risen and come to my side.

'I'm just going out back, for a you know what ... Ya coming?' she winked, as walked to the back door, kissing the top of Stevie's head as she passed him.

Walt winked at her, chuckled, and then went back to his story.

She was sat on the steps smoking her joint as I walked out to join her. Her knees where pulled up to her chest, her sandals on the floor before her. As I walked out, she patted the empty patch of cushion so I ambled over and sat down next to her.

'I just thought I'd pinch a few puffs, quickly ... You doing okay? Not too quiet for ya, is it?'

Her face turned to me smiling. 'Jeez, this is God damn luxury ... No TV, no music, sitting in peace and quiet and chilling out ... Man, this is heaven, honey.'

She passed the joint and I had a few pulls before passing it back.

'What ya gonna do about shithead, then?' She was talking to the joint at the time, blowing the ash off the glowing end.

'Don't know, I haven't had time to think about it really ... Been doing the house and having a life. Why would I go and spoil that by thinking about shithead?' I laughed, as she passed me the joint and giggled to herself.

'You go, sister,' she replied with a chuckle, 'don't let that bast'd get ya down ... He's an asshole and that's all there is to it. He wouldn't know trust if it came along and kicked him right in the nuts.' She was laughing at the thought. 'Maybe ya should do it ... He'd notice if you kicked him the nuts, alright.' She giggled again. 'Maybe that's what he really needs, a fucking good kick in the ...'

The back door opened and Winnie walked out, she smiled at me as I passed the spliff back to Chels and rose to her arrival.

I coughed and asked, 'Everything okay in there? Do people want their puds now?'

Winnie's smile broadened. 'Well, actually ... We haven't waited for ya ... We dished them up, if that's okay?'

'That is so okay with me Winnie, my friend.' I moved to follow. 'Are you coming in for Cherry pie, homemade, fresh this morning by me, with oodles of fresh cream? I have proper custard too, if you want that instead, or as well as ... Thick custard, like I always make,' I said, over my shoulder to Chelsea, as I moved to the door.

She was instantly in tow, walked to the table and was sat, ahead of me, with a raised dish in her hands, like a child begging.

When the guests had left and it was quiet in the house, I retired to the back veranda with the Jack and a spliff.

Beth had gone to bed when she'd started to nod off in the chair by the stove. She had covered us in kisses before retiring to her room. Chelsea was curled up on the couch with a blanket dropped over her, the work of Beth. Stevie was stretched out in the other couch, cowboy hat down over his eyes as he swirled a Jack in the glass on his chest.

The house sounded happy and content. The washing up was all done and the plates put away. The radio played quiet songs in the corner, and everyone was at peace.

I padded out the back door into the dark blue of the night. Crickets chirped their endless song to the darkness. Insects fluttered and collided around the lamp above, and flowers filled the air with a heady scent. Sitting back into the swing, I lit up my crumpled joint, my glass and bottle of Jack on the table next to me.

Relaxing into the cushions, I took a long pull and exhaled at my leisure. I was lost in thoughts of the last three weeks, recalling the story from my memory in mini videos of action with no sound. I chuckled to myself at the silly games lovers play. The little things we do for love. How blind we are, and how stupid we can be. I looked at my glass and realised I'd shot the Jack down in one hit, and hadn't even felt it. I was a bit pissed and the warm night was stunning, and the joint was amazing. It was all so good.

Inevitably, I started to see images of shithead before my eyes. I relived romantic evenings together at our fave restaurant with roses and wine. Hot tub nights, making love as the sun came up. It all crashed in on me and so I drank more Jack. The sound of the door opening gate-crashed the moment I was lost in. My face turned to see Stevie ambling over to join me, one hand in his pocket, the other holding his glass.

'Can anyone join this par-tay?' he asked, as he waggled his empty glass at me.

Perching next to me on the swing I passed him the joint. His grin grew as he took a long pull and exhaled a stream of smoke. His eyes closed slowly with the action and it was silent again.

I splashed Jack into his glass and did the same for myself. He slumped back into the cushions and took another long pull. I heard him breathe in through his nostrils and exhale through his mouth, the same way Max did when he has something he wants to say to you, but doesn't know where to start.

'Go on then, ya bugger, say it ... Whatever the fuck it is ... Please ... 'Cause it's driving me bloody crazy, Stevie,' I grumbled out, before I threw the Jack into my mouth. I left it there to burn my gums a little before swallowing.

Stevie passed the joint back and I heard another big sigh.

'So, are you guys done, now? Ya reckon you'll be staying here for good?' he eventually asked.

He was playing with the Jack in his glass, watching the way it clung to the inside and checking the colour against the light above us. He wasn't smiling anymore. His face was set, no emotion or twinkle in his eyes.

'Is this the end, then? ... Is the engagement off? ... Are ya gonna leave him?'

His face had a sad look to it as he raised his glass to the night and consigned the shot to his mouth.

'I don't know, Stevie ... I don't know anything at the moment ... I thought he loved me, but he proved me wrong there ... I thought I was the love of his life, but I've realised he says what he thinks I want to hear ... If that's really how it is ... Then he's a damn liar and a fucking arsehole ... What d'ya reckon? Do ya think, with his record, I should try again ...?'

The night fell silent as I poured more Jack into empty glasses. I smiled at him and my shot was gone in one hit. He followed suit. More liquor was added.

'Like Ma says, ya gotta do what's right for you ... What is right for ya, Tee? This?'
His arm swept the area before us as he indicated the house and garden.

'You do this to me every time, ya bast'd ... Come on then, tell me, how crap has it been for him? ... Let's face it, it's all about Max, isn't it?'

I was a bit pissed and a bit hurt, and it sounded worse than it was meant to.

'I'll tell ya something about Max ...'

Stevie turned towards me on the swing. His face was still sad and his eyes had started to take longer to open.

'... Max, Numb Nuts, Manley is a cock-sucking piece a shit, most days ... But, he's still my baby bro ... I spent years wanting to deck that little dick-chip, and I've taken a few swings at him in my time ... Even he didn't see the one coming the day ya walked out on us. He was at the door, about to follow ya, when Ma shouted at him to leave ya be. When he started cussing at Ma, she walked over and smacked him, right in the face.'

He fell silent as he gathered his train of thought again. Pushing his cowboy hat to the back of his head he continued.

'Max was gobsmacked ... Literally ... He looked down at Ma and burst into tears again ... Then he lashed out by killing the old coffee table and punching the wall a few times ... Ma tried to calm him down ... But he just flew off on one and was being a total asshole ... I was pretty pissed at him for being such a shit to you, so, I walked over, swung him round by his sleeve, and punched him, square in the face, as hard as I could.'

He chuckled to himself.

'He went down like a tree being felled ... Landed in that pot plant ya hate so much.'

He was looking at me and my shocked face.

'Arh, don't worry ... The son-of-a-bitch bounced ... Ended up on his ass, where he belonged ... Ma was speechless, stood with her hands to her mouth ... Chels ran over and tried to pick him up ... But, he weren't going nowhere for a while ... I left him there and walked outside ... I couldn't stand to be near him ... He made me wanna kick the shit outta him ...'

He sank his shot and offered his glass for a refill. I sat in silence looking at him with a shadow line down one side of his face. He looked tired and pissed and I found I was smiling. I leant over and kissed his cheek then refilled our glasses.

'Thank you,' I said, my head resting on his shoulder. 'I always wanted someone to do it to him, but no one had the balls ... Shame I never had the strength really ... Fuck, I'm getting too old for this shit, Stevie ...'

I smiled at the image in my head of Max going down like a felled tree, timber being shouted, and everyone moving out of the danger of being crushed. I'd have liked to have witnessed that moment in time. Sadly, no one thought to record it on their phone.

I patted his leg and chirped, 'Can I count on you to help with the office move, then? I reckon, with a good team, we could have it done in a day.'

It was my attempt to lighten the mood in a night that had gone suddenly cool. I felt the shiver, the moth like flutter running its finger down my spine.

Pulling me into a hug he quietly said, 'No problem, but do me one favour, huh? Before we break his balls, a little more, would ya go tell him what it is you've decided to do? Please, don't just turn up and take ya gear, he's gutted enough without that happening to him ... He's not in a good place right now.'

At that moment, I didn't give a shit about Max. I'd had a wonderful evening, entertaining my guests, I had almost family staying with me, and I was pretty pissed and stoned. Life was good and I liked it. I was fine, I didn't need him. I had all that, and in my mind, my arm swept the area in front of us, and beyond, into the silky darkness.

Rise Above This

The next morning saw the start of a beautiful day. We ladies clucked in the kitchen while Stevie nursed a hangover at the pine table. I'd awoken bright and early, my steamy shower had washed away my cloudy head, and the sunshine had washed away any signs of the blues.

Another stunning day in Tee Town and I was still enjoying the chatter and laughter. Stevie had packed the bags in the car as he munched his way through toast and homemade blueberry preserve, a housewarming present from Gina. Chelsea and Beth walked the back garden with mugs of coffee in their hands. They were admiring my newly repainted picket fence and the freshly planted flowers that still looked alive and well.

I was lost in a moment in the kitchen, as Stevie came through to the table and emptied his mug.

'You were miles away then, honey ... Anywhere good?' he smiled, as he started on more toast.

'I was thinking about Max, actually ... No, don't get all excited now ... I was just thinking about driving to the house and having a chat, like you said.'

I turned and placed my mug in the sink and moved round the table. Stevie was stood smiling at me.

'I can make sure he's there if ya want ... Won't take two ticks to give him a call ...'

He was checking for his phone when I laid my hand on his wrist and replied, 'If he's there, he's there ... It doesn't matter if he isn't ... I still have my keys ... He hasn't changed the locks, has he?'

I was laughing as I finished my sentence.

'Nah ... Wouldn't matter if he did.'

He found his keys and jangled them between us.

'I got my set ... In case of emergencies ...'

We were still laughing as he walked to the back door with me to find Chels and Beth. They were sat in the shade on the swing, Chelsea was nursing an empty mug as Beth sat humming to herself.

'Well, my lovely ladies, are we ready to hit the road?' Stevie smiled as he stood looking out over the fields.

He was wearing his sunglasses and cowboy hat ready for the journey home and, as ever, he had his hands pushed down into his pockets like a naughty schoolboy.

The ladies and I walked arm in arm around the house. The warmth of the day washed over us as we were touched by sunshine. Stevie ambled passed to have the door open for Beth to climb into the back.

'Ring me in the week and let me know how ya doing ... Maybe come for a visit soon, huh?' Beth said into my ear as we hugged farewell. 'It suits ya here,' she continued with a kiss to my cheek, 'I like it, very much ...'

Chels hugged my waist as she moved to get into the car. Her window came down as she demanded, 'Ya will be coming to ours next weekend? Don't forget ... Birth-day par-tay,' she giggled as she blew kisses from her seat.

Stevie was the last. He walked towards me with his arms stretched wide and I walked into his bear hug.

'Right, trouble,' he said, squeezing me tighter, 'ya need me, ring me. If things get outta hand with Numb Nuts ... I'll come and sort him out for ya.'

He was holding me at arm's length and smiling at me in his boyish way. I pushed a hand into my shorts pocket.

'You'll be the first I call, promise.' I made a little cross above my heart with the other as I smiled.

'Good girl ...' He kissed me on the forehead like a Father. 'Now, we go ...'

With that, he was round to the driver's door, in, and starting the engine. They waved themselves backwards, down the driveway, and out onto the lane, shouts of bye disappearing into the heat of the morning.

As I watched them leave, it seems, I missed them already.

Suddenly I had a choice of what I could do with my day. Still only early, I could do as I pleased or I could take a drive up to see if Max was home and, maybe, fill the back seat of the car with clothes. I only had what I'd acquired from Winnie's shop over the last few weeks. It consisted mainly of shirts and shorts, a few pairs of leggings thrown in for good measure, all okay, but all a bit mumsie.

I longed for my hoodies, sweaters, vests, trainers and jeans. I wanted some personal stuff around me, like the photos I'd taken. I knew it wasn't going to be fun dealing with it, but I had to face Max at some point. As I ambled back to the house with my thoughts and decisions to be made, I heard the phone ringing. I ran in and caught it in time. It was Winnie.

'Thought ya'd be up by now,' she chirped. 'Just ringing to say thanks for a lovely evening ... I enjoyed it so much ... And it was so nice to finally meet your family ...'

'How sweet of you, Winnie ... I'm so glad you enjoyed yourself ... They aren't my family, though, I'm afraid to say ... Wish they were,' I smiled into the phone. 'Feels like they are sometimes, with all the nagging I get,' I laughed to myself, thinking back to the night before.

We didn't chat for long. Winnie was off to church and couldn't stand to be late for the Lord. We rung off with the hope of seeing each other the next day for our usual lunch at Ma King's place.

The interior of the house was cool as I sat and smoked the spliff Chelsea had left with me. I was pleased with what I saw and the way the house felt. It needed a horde of kids running around followed by chaos and noise. I could almost hear the laughter within the walls themselves. I finished my smoke as I stood looking out over the fields to the rear. Trees moved in the silent breeze as birds whirled and called overhead. Turning my face to the sun and closing my eyes, I knew I'd made my decision. Max's it was.

I rolled out onto Main Street and headed north in the car. Having checked the map before leaving, I realised I hadn't actually driven that far south. It was one straight road all the way back to Calgary, then another short drive to the mountains and Max.

My music was thumping on about never surrender, as I pulled into the familiar garage to get some tobacco and top up the Camaro with gas, not that it needed it. I hadn't driven much since I'd found myself living in the country. I made a point of walking the lane into town, it was hardly a nine mile hike and the exercise did me good.

It was about midday as I smooched around Calgary, missing the Sunday traffic, and headed west to Canmore and the mountains. My eyes focused on them in the distance as my stomach started to churn, thinking about the reception I might get. I knew I still loved him, I couldn't help that, and I always would, regardless of previous events. But I'd had time to calm down, and I'd had the house to think about for a while.

Not knowing how he would act, when I turned up out of the blue like that, was the main thought that swirled through my mind. As I hit the road leading to the mountains, my judgement told me it probably would be a good idea to ring first and warn him. It would give him the chance to leave if he thought he couldn't deal with it.

Entering the last leg of my journey, and knowing the lodge wasn't very far, I looked for a place to pull over. Soon enough, an opening appeared into the woods, so I followed it into the car park. Turning off the stereo, I sat in silence with the windows up. I needed the time to gather my thoughts and get some nerve together, while I rummaged around in my bag for my phone. With it in my hand, I scrolled through names until Max's showed on the screen. I pressed _dial_ and waited the longest seconds of my life.

'Yeah, Max ... Speak,' were the first words spoken, they sounded hollow and cold.

I took a deep breath and swallowed. 'Hi, it's me ... Have you got time to talk ...?'

'Jesus ... Shit ... Urh ... Yeah ...' He sounded amazed that it was my voice on the phone.

'Where are you?' I asked, my tone light but with a sad edge to it. 'Are you at home?'

'Urh, yeah, I'm at home ... Where are you?' His changed from surprised to excited.

'Well, at this moment in time, I'm just down the road from you, where we park when we walk the woods sometimes ...' I waited while he digested the information and hoped he hadn't been on the piss all night.

He cleared his throat and spoke again, softer this time. 'Ya wanna come and talk ... Shit, yeah, great, we need to talk ... That sounds good.' He fell silent.

'Okay ... I'll be with you in about five,' I replied, 'I hope I'm not disturbing you ...?'

He coughed again. I knew by the sound down the line he was rubbing stubble on his cheeks.

'No, ya ain't disturbing me,' he hurriedly said. 'I need to get up and take a shower anyway, I feel like shit ... Had a late one in the studio ... I'll see ya in five, then? Just walk in if I'm in the shower.' He paused. 'I'll put some coffee on ... We can sit and talk ...'

'Okay then ... Bye ...'

I ended the call before he replied. Shaking my head I thought, 'What the hell have I let myself in for now? Shit or bust, chick ... Shit or bust ...'

The firs stood tall as I followed the drive down to the lodge. Parking up in my usual spot, I grabbed my bag from the foot well and sighed loudly. Walking slowly up the steps I followed the balcony to the main doors. One was already open. I ambled in to gain access to the den. I could hear the shower running so I headed for the kitchen and the coffee pot. The rooms were tidy, as I cast my eyes over them, my missile photo in a new frame and back on its shelf.

The expanse of kitchen was found to be much the same, now rebuilt after being hit by Hurricane Max. My shawl was still hung over the back of the daybed in the den, as if I'd got up and worn it that morning. I realised, as I picked it up and breathed in the scent, it smelt of Max. It was exactly as it was when I left, except that horrid plant had gone and the glass coffee table was missing. Evidence of the disagreements that had erupted after my exit.

I was pouring two cups of coffee as Max walked into the kitchen, dressed and rubbing his curly hair with a towel. As he pulled it away from his head and looked at me, it fell into ringlets across his face. He gave me a half smile and brushed them to one side. Dressed in his usual ripped jeans and old Led Zeppelin t-shirt, which he always pulled on after a shower, he moved towards me, not taking his eyes from mine, and picked up his mug.

Smiling in his usual way, his eyes lit up as he laughed, 'Guess a sympathy fuck's outta the question then ...?'

Putting my mug down, I shook my head whilst my hand ran down my face, and I laughed at the arsehole stood before me. Walking from the kitchen, in silence, I headed for the dressing room. Pulling items from the drawers and wardrobes, I threw them onto the couch as he stood and watched from the archway. We didn't speak. There wasn't anything I wanted to say to him, he really was just a shithead, he hadn't changed at all. Him, though, he just couldn't keep his bloody mouth shut, could he.

'I hear ya moved to the fucking country. Ya gonna find yourself a nice little cowboy and settle down, huh? For fuck's sake ...'

He spat the words out through a shit-eating grin, his eyes, small and mean. When I turned on him, he took a step backwards.

'We're done here, I think, Max ... So, unless you want to wear that fucking awful picture,' I nodded towards the one on the wall, the action, indifferent and calm, 'I suggest you fuck-off and die ... This isn't one of your fucking songs ... This is real life, with real people ... And you're being a real shithead ... Again ...'

My face was a mix between sickly sweet smile and evil incarnate as I spoke. His brows dropped as he vanished back towards the den. I couldn't help but follow. If he wanted to bitch and cuss, I could bitch and cuss too.

'Fucking hell, Max ... You just can't stop being a twat, can you?' I questioned the back of his head. 'Can't ya keep ya God damn dick in ya pants for more than a fucking second ...?'

He spun round, anger in his face and eyes, as I asked, 'Max, you fucking dickhead, tell me ... Why her?' I turned away with a disappointed look on my face. 'No, don't answer that ... I don't wanna know.'

My heart was breaking as I walked back to the dressing room. I looked over my shoulder, once, with tears in my eyes. He followed and watched as I started to collect clothes and fold them into the case I'd dragged from a cupboard.

'What the fuck do you care anyway?' He was leant against the door frame, hands tucked under his armpits, shoulders hunched. 'You're the one fucking leaving ... Ya don't even wanna hear what I gotta say, whether it's the damn truth or not ... Why ya treating me like I'm shit ...?'

I could feel him staring at me as I turned, looking into his sad liquid eyes and questioning face.

'Because you're acting like you are, Max ... And as for the truth,' I almost laughed, 'you wouldn't know the bloody truth if it came along and sucked your dick ...'

He glared at me, vivid blue eyes below a knitted brow line.

'... Excuse me ... But you're the one that fucked up here, not me ... Haven't you grasped anything of what's happened? For fuck sake, Max ... Grow up ...'

I went back to my packing as I continued.

'... Remember? ... You screwed your ex-girlfriend in London, Max ... And, you're so pathetic it seems to have slipped your fucked-up memory, a loss that may well be the result of the amount of shit the pair of you crammed up your sodding noses, I don't know but, frankly ... I don't really give a shit, so, do as you bloody please.'

He stayed quiet as I turned back to my fast packing and soft talking.

'It must be fucked-up ... Because you didn't remember me while you were pissing us up the damn wall, did you? Can you even remember why I was in England? I was in England because some fucker had to give ... And it wasn't going to be you, was it?'

My heart was racing as it flooded out of me.

'... So, I moved my whole stupid life, a million fucking miles, to be with some cock-sucker whom I thought was my whole world.'

I stopped, turned, and took two paces towards him with my arms crossed.

'So, you tell me, Max, why should I treat you any bloody different ...?'

I turned back to my case as he stood in the hall opposite the open door, his back to the wall and his fingers locked together, resting on his head. I continued calmly over his silence.

'See, I realise, now, you just can't help yourself.' Turning, I smirked, 'I know about the groupies ... And it must be so hard for you.'

My eyes flicked from his face down to his crotch as I carried on talking.

'... You're all alone on tour, with all that pussy being pushed in ya face...'

My gaze moved back up his torso to his eyes.

'... And all the beers and all the Jacks, plus whatever else you put up your nose ... Your life must be one living fucking hell ... My heart bleeds for you,' I laughed at him, seeing the joker for what he really was, a big joke.

'If ya hated it so God damned much why the fuck did ya stay so long?' he muttered under his breath, his eyes resting on a spot lost in the hardwood flooring by his feet, his features set hard across an unsmiling face.

'Because I love you, that's why, you stupid shit ... Don't you get it? Are you that fucking dense?' I replied, sadly.

My first case full, I started a hunt for a second. He caught me by the arm as I went to push passed him.

'I never meant to...'

'... Hurt me? Don't make me fucking laugh ...'

I finished his sentence for him as my head slowly shook from side to side. Tugging my elbow away, I walked to one of the guest rooms in search of another case. He followed and I turned to him, the wardrobe door open.

'You don't understand what you've done to me, do you?' I hooked my thumbs into my back pockets as I looked at him and half smiled, 'Do you have any idea what you've done to us?'

My sadness reflected on Max's face as I pushed passed with another, larger, case and returned to the other room.

'So, this is how it is then? ... You're gonna just walk away from me and that's it, end of, we're done ... And I gotta be okay with that and just carry on doing what I gotta do, without you?' he whined as he followed me, thumb and middle finger working at his temples.

'You're obviously leaving me ... So there's fuck all I can say or do anyway ... Except tell ya I love ya, and I miss ya, and I want ya back, I want ya back so bad ... I know how ya feel about this, and ya got every right to hate me ... But I also know how much ya love me ... Please, honey, I'm sorry, I'm lost without ya ... I need ya here with me ... Don't walk away from us ...'

As he spoke he watched me undo the straps and lift the case onto the stand to fill. He ended, leant against the doorframe, his hands in back pockets and a wistful look on his face.

As I ran my fingers through my hair, I turned away from him and walked to the picture window, it held a view over the trees to the meadow and mountains beyond. Arh, the meadow, where we'd made love not so long ago. I remembered it well, the blanket on the ground, full of promises and pleasure. I crossed my arms and sighed loudly.

'It's all about the trust, Max, without trust there's nothing, and it's so fragile, you can break it with a single act ... I'm just not ready to believe you, yet ... I'm really trying, Max ... I really am.'

I remembered every word, every gesture and every touch we'd shared. With misty eyes, I turned round and looked at him watching me.

'Didn't you think for one moment? Didn't you think about us, what we had? Didn't I even enter your head? ... I wanted you so much, I was prepared to haul my arse, and all my assets, leaving everyone behind, half way around this shitty world to be with you, Max, to be with you ... So, I ask you, didn't any of that mean anything ...?'

I shook my head, slowly, then slumped down into the couch next to me. My face in my hands, again, eyes closed, exhausted. I didn't know whether to scream or cry. Either way, it wouldn't have stopped the pain.

When I opened them again, Max was crouching on the carpet in front of me. I hadn't heard him move towards where I was sat and I was surprised, some, to even see him there. Sitting back in my seat, I stared into his eyes and saw the twinkle that had returned to them.

He placed a hand on my knee and dropped his head to one side. His hair had dried into gorgeous curls and I just wanted to feel them between my fingers again. I leant forward and placed my right hand against his cheek. He looked suspicious to begin with, as though it might have had some weight and speed to it. I should have done it, but I wasn't there for fighting. A good row was needed to clear the air, I'll admit, but there was never any talking with Max when he was like that. It was rowing or shagging. He didn't usually mind which one. He enjoyed both.

'... I'm getting too old for all this shit,' I chuckled, my voice, low and tired. 'I wanted a nice, quiet life, with no crap, not be part of some fucked-up love triangle ... I wanted us to be happy and in love, I want us to trust each other ... But you keep fucking up, and I don't want to play this game anymore ... Please, tell me, I need to know,' I begged. 'What do I have to do to make you see I'm here? I want you, Max, I've always wanted you ... Not this shit, not your money, not your lifestyle ... You ...' I finished with a sad smile as my eyes and hand returned to my lap.

'... I'm so sorry, sugar,' he whispered, looking up at me, slowly rubbing both palms over the fronts of my knees. 'I know this has all turned to shit ... Everything I touch turns to shit, but ya know that already ... I know ya love me, and I don't have the words to say how I feel about ya ... I'm a shithead, ya right, and I need my ass kicking, which I do ... Although, Stevie did deal me a good one' He rubbed his jaw with one hand as he said it. 'I just don't know how to right this wrong ... And I wish I knew, believe me ... I know how much I hurt ya and it's tearing me apart ... Please, give me another chance.' His serious face softened and I was reminded of a time long ago in a shower. 'I don't wanna lose ya now ...'

I was already lost in his eyes and mouth as he talked me back into his life. He slid his warm palm over my cold hands as he spoke.

'Come and sit in the den while I make some fresh coffee? Ya could do with more coffee, huh?'

The sweet nature, which was all too often hidden inside him, seeped through the cracks and touched the chink in my armour. He was leading me back to hell, and I followed, willingly.

Where To From Here?

The impact of the day had washed me up and rung me out. The pain in my chest felt as if I hadn't taken a breath all day. Sat quietly in the den, we drank hot coffee with a Jack in the top, for some added punch. His eyes never left my face in all the time he watched me from where he stood. I was lost in memories, staring out the den window, the weight of the day taking its toll at long last. I was so tired, but he broke the silence in the end.

'I'm so sorry, honey,' he almost whispered, 'I've fucked up again, haven't I? I don't know what to do, help me, please,' he pleaded, before falling silent again.

I looked over at him. 'I know you are, and we'll get through this, I'm sure ... We always get through, somehow ... But it won't make all this disappear, will it? It won't erase what's happened ... Not even you can make this one go away, I'm afraid ... The papers are going to love you for this,' I ironically chuckled to myself. 'How could you even go there? After everything you'd said ... I'm blown away, Max ... This is beyond me ...'

He walked from the kitchen and sat on the stool next to me in the den, his hand shaking as he placed his mug down on the counter.

I looked at him sideways and smiled. 'How do we mend this then?' I asked. 'What you gonna do about this mess, Max Manley? ... Answer me that ...'

His eyebrows pulled together into a frown. 'I don't know ... But whatever it takes ...'

There were those damn words again, whatever it takes. Jesus, it seemed as if I'd heard them, over and over, since the first day I met Max. Probably because I had.

I was too tired to fight anymore. I raised a hand and pushed it into his hair, the silky curls coiling around my fingers, the action making me smile.

'Talk to me then ... Tell me how we came to be in this shit.' I huffed out a feeble laugh. 'You really are a pecker-head, ya know ... Only 'cause it's you, Max ... I wouldn't be here if I didn't love ya ... I'm one crazy bitch, me ...'

His eyes were studying my face as he chuckled and replied, 'Ya gotta be one crazy bitch to deal with my shit ... Why d'ya love me so God damn much, anyway?'

I pulled him towards me and kissed the tip of his nose. 'I have no fucking idea ... It's not ya bloody coffee, that's for sure ... Even with the Jack, this tastes like shit,' I giggled at him, brushing my fingers over his face. He laid his over mine and gently squeezed.

'Come on then,' I said, 'start at the beginning ... Let's get it out in the open ... The truth this time ... No fucking about, Max ... I need to know ...'

His explanation started with the end of the British tour the previous year. I remember the night he disappeared. Anna-Lee had turned up at their hotel. He tried to get the next set of words in the right order. The hardest part was coming and he didn't want to fuck that up, too.

I saw the frown as he paced across the room. It was so difficult for him to say those words. He turned his back to me and walked to the den window.

Linking his fingers across the back of his head, he spoke. 'Jesus, I knew ... As soon as I laid eyes on her, I knew there was gonna be some kinda trouble ... Joey tried to get rid of her, but she was like shit on elastic, just kept coming right on back.'

Turning, he studied my face to see if I was keeping up with him. His feeble smile faded as he ambled over and dropped onto the couch nearest to me. Crossing his arms over his chest, he let out a loud sigh.

'It'd been a good gig at the O2, and the last night on the road always guaranteed a good time ... We'd done our usual thing, had the backstage rave and all that shit.' He was looking into a past memory as he carried on. 'I'd already had the run in with her at the venue. I thought we'd seen the last of her. Don't know what bar it was when she finally caught up with us. She appeared next to me, all smiles, curly blonde hair and her usual polo nose ...'

He paused as I shifted my position on the stool. I was sat looking down at him as he continued his tale.

'I was wasted, as usual, and she just kept lining up the shots ... Stevie dragged her off to have a word with her ... Him and the guys were sat at a table with some of the crew ... We thought she'd split, no one saw her again. Anyway, ya know the score and how the guys let their hair down ... Groupies were all over the place, flashings their tits and their cameras in our faces ... Same ole shit just a different accent.'

I was full of burning questions.

'Why didn't you all go back to the hotel as usual? You knew she'd try again, she can't help herself, the silly cow ... It amazes me how she always appears just at the right time. Max.' I moved to the couch across from him. 'Why didn't you ring me that night, or even better, why didn't you leave her to her slutty ways and get Joey to bring you to me? Let's face it, I was less than an hour out of London ... Where was the problem?' It all seemed so simple to me.

There was no coffee table there, then, and the gulf between us seemed huge, in more ways than one.

His head fell backwards onto soft brown suede, his eyes studying the ceiling.

'I don't know why ...' His hands rested at the top of his thighs, his knees falling apart, as he sighed heavily again. 'I've asked myself that a million times a day ...'

I was quiet as I watched a single tear run from his eye into his hair line. It caught a ray of sunshine, showing a tiny rainbow trapped within. He wiped the back of his hand across his moustache and moved from his seat. Pulling his t-shirt up to wipe his face, he walked back to the window.

With his arms wrapped around himself, I could see the pattern to his shoulders rise and fall. I looked at him from the couch, my elbows on my knees, my fingers to my lips. He was lost in thinking, slowly shaking his head and trying to catch his breath. As he run his hands over his face, again, he turned slowly and walked back towards me. Kneeling down in front of me, he rested his elbows on my knees, his blue eyes done with crying. He shuffled forward and came to rest between my feet, his knees against the couch. Resting back on his haunches he sighed.

'We're so damn good together, Tee-Bird ... Don't walk away from me ... We can be so much more than this ...'

I studied his face as I played with my fingers, my eyes resting on his.

'Let's start with hearing the truth, huh ... How did you end up with her, Max? It's a simple question ...'

'She came to the God damn hotel.'

He moved back to his spot on the couch opposite, looking sideways out of the window.

Squinting at the sun, he confessed, 'She went straight there after the bar. One of the fuckin newbie crew told her where we were staying when she said she was my girlfriend. Said she wanted to surprise me, an cuz everyone knew her, he took it for the truth ... He didn't know the score ...'

'... And?' I asked, coldly, 'What came next? I wanna know, Max ... That'll help me mend a little... You being open and honest ...'

He glanced in my direction with narrowed eyes.

'Okay,' his face turned back to the view, 'open and honest, huh?' He paused. 'I can remember being down in the bar, it was crazy, people everywhere, the guys and me were drinking and having a great time ... She was being her usual trampy little self, getting drinks outta guys as quick as that,' he snapped his fingers with a crack, 'and she was loving the action.' Another loud sigh escaped before he continued. 'I also remember me, Jake, Stevie, and one of the crew, ducking outside for a few tokes ... Didn't even think to take my Bud with me, but then, why the hell should I?'

He made an effort to smile but it became another sigh, he looked tired and ready for sleep. His hair, crazy curls, down to his shoulders, caught the light as he moved his head.

'I recall doing shots with Chris, Skinny and her, but not much else ... It was the early hours of the morning when it all came crashing down ...' His head dropped forward as he finished with, '... She was gone ... And I was alone in a strange hotel room ...'

So, there we have it, folks, she was gone and he was alone. Sounds very ordinary, doesn't it? It's probably an everyday event for some of us poor saps.

I found I was laughing. It was the only brightness in the room. A cold hollow space sat where my home had once been. He just didn't get it, did he? I looked at him, the question developing.

'So, you can't actually remember sleeping with her? You don't even know if you did?' I paused, hearing my own words. 'Max, this is so fucked up.'

I looked down as I laughed to myself again, and then my eyes came up to meet his. I saw him take his hard swallow.

'I tried to remember but it don't make any sense. I get clips of faces flashing in my head, but I don't recognise them ... I see her face, but it's not there, in that room ...'

His eyebrows knitted together as he walked through the vague memory. As the sun dropped low in the sky, he stood and moved into the light becoming a life size silhouette of himself.

I moved to stand beside him, hooking my fingers into his, and placing my head against his upper arm. His hand was cold enough to send a chill up from my wrist. I shrugged my shoulders to move it on.

'Are you hungry,' I asked, 'because I'm bloody starving ...?'

I threw together some fresh pasta and vegetables then flaked in some fresh tuna, drizzled over a little olive oil and added lots of black pepper, mmm, lovely.

We sat in silence as we ate, him one side of the counter, me the other. His eyes rarely moved from my face. I felt his cool gaze touching my skin. I had so many questions. I wondered how far he'd let me go regarding details. I sat thinking about the timelines and how he'd found out about the birth.

Two plus two suddenly made four or, in this case, one over one, suddenly, made three. Of course, the phone call, that's when he'd changed. It must have been what started all the shit. She'd rung him and told him that Sunday hadn't she? That's why he'd freaked out, and I'd thought it was because of something I'd said at the time, stupid, stupid me. I finished playing with my dish and pushed it away. Taking a few swigs of wine, I rinsed the remnants away and emptied the glass.

Max refilled it and carried his dish round into the kitchen. Taking mine, he put them both in the sink. Not a word was spoken. The peace suited us well, we wore it in our silence. It all made sense in my head then, and I felt a little calmer for knowing, the wine helped too. I still needed to know the truth about them sleeping together. Maybe Max would eventually remember. I still wasn't convinced though, either way.

'You're getting a paternity test done, aren't you?' My voice held no emotion.

I then sank my glass of wine in one long drink. I didn't want to say Beth and I had already had the conversation, so I let him talk on.

'Yeah ... I started the paperwork with Ma ... She's helping me sort through it ... I've been for the bloods, they take about ten days ... I guess we'll see then.'

He fell silent as he walked into the den and dropped into a seat, his wine glass left neglected on the counter. I checked the time as the need for sleep swept over me. It was just midnight and I wasn't going to drive back then. Leaving in the morning, to be home in time for lunch with Winnie, sounded like a plan.

I leant against the den archway with my arms crossed and studied him sat in the gloom. He'd assumed his normal sitting position, knees apart and hands in his armpits. The only light came from the kitchen as the rest of the space lay unlit. I yawned, the quiet of the house pressing down on me only to make me feel more tired.

'I'm gonna crash in one of the back rooms.' I spoke as I crossed for my bag. 'I think it's probably a good idea ...'

I was acknowledged by silence and a nodding head.

'... Fine then ... Night ...' I finished.

Walking the dark corridor to the rooms beyond, silence was left in the room behind. I undressed to my vest top and panties and climbed under the crisp sheets. The bedspread, a comfort of weight, smelt safe and familiar.

I lay on my back and stared at the lampshade on the bedside light. I remembered when we bought it, crazy money, from an antique fair in Edmonton. But we liked the style.

Trip of a Lifetime

As I slowly came to my senses, it was dawn and strips of light had started to filter through the vertical blinds. I was aware of a dead weight against my back. With some effort, I managed to turn my head to see Max, asleep, behind me, his face buried in my hair, pinning it to my pillow. I pulled my head away, trying not to disturb him, but he moved enough to one side, so I could slip it free. His arm was around my torso, my right breast cupped in his palm. I couldn't remember him sneaking under the bedspread, the crafty sod.

I smiled down at him, his hair covering his face. Lifting his arm, I slid from the sheets as he rolled away from my space. My clothes of yesterday, in a pile on the floor, I retrieved and placed, folded, on the couch. I stood looking at him from the end of the bed, wishing all our problems away, seeing a time before. I loved the way he grabbed me from behind in the darkness, pulling me closer with his lips to my neck. It was a hard call and a harder place to be, the Land of Indecision.

I thought about him as I showered, the love that had been expressed under the hot water. Moments when we first met swam through my mind. I hung my head to weep, hot water to my neck. I banished the visions of naked love and wrecked sheets, of tears when parting, of kiss filled reunions. The hurt in me took my breath away.

With my back against the marble wall, I slid to a crouch and let out a wail of hurt. Curling into a ball, I cried onto my knees, my arms holding them to me. The water was still running, hard and hot, the sounds I made, lost in the noise.

I dressed in clothes I took from the packed case in the master suite, jeans, vest and a hoodie. I sat on the bed to pull on my socks and trainers. I heard them, you know, the echoes of our time together. I'd been there before, the battle of head and heart, there's never a winner. And, like they say in the movies, sometimes when you lose, you just plain lose.

I walked back to where I'd slept to see the bed still occupied with its snoring bundle. He'd pulled my pillow over to replace me, my perfume scenting its case. I leant forward and gently lifted his curls aside, one hand trapped between my knees. I studied his features the way I had a million times. The curve from his ear to his jaw, the way his eyebrows grow, the shape of his lips, the red and gold flecks in his goatee. His skin, tanned, made his hair seem lighter, the golden strands, softly moving with each breath.

Walking to the couch, I plonked myself down into squidgy cushions. Slithers of vertical light dropped onto me as I sat in silence, eyes closed, thinking about all the crap that had just hit my fan. Why was I doing this to myself? Why? Because I was crazy about him, and love makes you do some fucked up things sometimes.

Something disturbed him and his eyes flicked open, his head shot from left to right and it was a second or two before he recognised his surroundings. When his eyes fell on me, he slumped back onto the bed.

'Well, Mister,' I said from the couch, feet up and resting on the coffee table, 'what do we do now, then?' I paused, looking at the ceiling. 'Any ideas?'

He rested his hands over his eyes, palms down, fingers locked together. The silence lasted for what seemed to be an hour.

Finally he replied. 'Well, I reckon you should come over here, lay just there,' his head nodded to his right, 'and we can talk about it ...'

More silence, his face still hidden.

Moving my pillow to be against the head board, I sat where I'd previously slept. My head rested back onto the tan padded suede, my legs in half lotus, while my fingers fiddled with the hem of my vest. He half sat, rubbing his eyes, as his fingers slid up his face and into his hair. Slowly, falling sideways, his head rested against my arm. Neither of us had spoken.

Max broke the silence as he lowered his right hand to rest on the bend in my knee. 'I know this ain't easy ... For either of us ... And I know ya don't wanna be here, right now ... But, please, don't stop loving me ...'

I was watching his fingers brush up and down my thigh, the well-manicured fingers two shades darker than my own. Turning my head, I looked at him, his curls a mess, sober look on his face.

'I don't know why but this hasn't changed how I feel about you, Max,' I said, quietly. His eyes came up to my face as I continued. '... Things have to change, though ... And with change comes hurt for one of us ... I'm scared, Max, because I'm not sure if I'm strong enough for this one ... You've devastated me with your lack of thought ... And the fact we're going through this, right now, over her, well.' My voice dropped to almost a whisper as I finished with, 'Time, they say, is a healer ... Let's see if it's true ...'

He swung to the side of the bed, feet on the floor, the movement, one smooth action, curls tumbling onto his shoulders. He'd slept in yesterday's jeans and t-shirt, he looked well worn, his warm musky smell, an aura around him. I breathed it in, deeply, through my nose, the aroma triggering a hundred clips of times in the past. With my eyes closed, I was lost in the film strip in my head. I hadn't realised Max had made his exit.

I found him behind the bar in the games room, glass of Jack in his hand, swirling it around. He sank it in one then, stood, looking at me. He was leant against the black marble top, arms pushed straight. Making a feeble attempt to smile, he walked over and pulled me into his arms.

I sank inside, the longing for him washing, cold, through my limbs. My hands automatically reached up his back, under his shirt. His skin was warm under my cool touch, he felt good. Stretching up onto my toes, so my mouth was closer to his neck, my lips softly kissed the tanned skin, his scent flooding my nostrils.

Leaning in, I whispered, 'I love you, Max,' dropping back onto flat feet, I continued, 'but, I need you to know how it feels to have your heart nearly ripped out ...'

My eyes flicked over his face as he replied, 'Okay ... I can do this ...'

I'm not sure, but I think he was expecting words about broken hearts and shattered dreams, how I'd crumbled as I took in the pain of the moment, the bitter tears and the forgotten promises. Still looking at him, I dropped my right arm, screwed my hand into a fist, and punched him, as hard as I could, full in the nuts.

He crumpled like soggy paper, the inwardly dragged breath a testament to the pain. I bent over him as he writhed on the floor in agony, his face almost scarlet, eyes screwed shut, a tear running from one of them.

In a soft voice I said, 'That's how it feels, you fucker ... It makes you wanna puke, doesn't it? You may think you know me, but think again, because you clearly didn't see that one coming, did ya?'

I spoke down to him, hands resting on my knees as I said it.

'Never underestimate me, Manley ... You've never dealt a woman like me before, don't forget that ...'

He was still gasping for air as I walked to the pool table and leant against the edge. I watched him with my arms crossed. His hands cupping his crouch as he curled up into a foetal position, feeling the pain.

Once again, I found myself heading for the car, only this time with two cases full of clothes. I'd walked calmly from the room, collected my bags and left Max still lying on the hardwood floor, motionless, but for signs of breathing. There were no words of goodbye, as I left, and no tears of sadness, they'd had their day.

Breathing in the new morning, I remembered my lunch date with Winnie. I could be home, changed, and ready by then, no sweat, and a piece a piss in my car. It was while I was stuffing my bags onto the passenger seat I heard the sound of running feet. I looked over the top of the motor to see Max, along with his angry face, taking the steps two at a time as he came down them. He was three from the bottom when he leapt the hand rail.

I heard myself say, 'Oh, shit ...'

My only thought was escape. I turned and ran, as fast as I could, along the path behind me, passing tall trees in a blur, down towards the meadow. I had no idea where I was going. I was clearly running scared.

Getting closer to the bank, I felt Max's arm catch at my waist and we flew forward, head first, into the freezing water. My mouth filled as I screamed and fought to get away, but he was dragging me backwards, icy droplets arcing in the dappled shade.

Trying to wriggle free, I slapped at his hands, his cold digits fastened to my clothes.

'NO ... GET OFF ME ... LET ME GO,' I screamed, as water splashed into my face and mouth. 'LET, ME, GO ...'

I just managed to dislodge his fingers from my shirt. On my knees, I gained purchase under one foot and tried to stand. Lying face down, his arm flew forward and grabbed the ankle before him. I hit the water like a plank, straight down, face under. Kicking out with the other, I nearly had him in the face. I could just make out his lowered brows and knew that look well. He was beyond pissed-off, he'd just reached critical danger zone.

His anger had turned him into an ugly gargoyle version of himself, his eyes almost hidden and his mouth in a twisted grin. With one smooth action, he was beside me, his arms round me, clamping mine to my body. I was still screaming as my wet hair stuck to my face and neck, mascara bleeding down my cheeks.

He stood up, taking us both out of our watery surroundings, my feet kicking into the empty air.

'WE STAY LIKE THIS ... TILL YA CALM DOWN,' was shouted at the side of my head.

His was being held well back while mine thrashed backwards and forwards. That grip of his never loosened as my whole body started hurting. Gasping for air, my movements became less erratic, my limbs heavy from the fight. I hung from his arms, feet a few inches above the water, my head, forward, chin to chest.

'... Have ya ... Quite finished ... Missy ...?' His voice was calmer but it came in big breaths of speech.

With water lapping at his legs, we dripped as we stood in silence. I felt his forehead fall onto my wet hair and, as he rubbed it against it, he spoke again.

'... I know, I know, I deserved that ... Ans I get ya point, believe me, I do ... But I ain't letting ya go,' he told me. '... You can run ... You can fight ... But I love ya ... And I miss ya ... And I won't let ya go ... Not this time ....'

The fight in me had gone. I hung there, sniffing back tears. Looking out across the meadow, I asked, with a husky voice, '... Please ... Put me down ... I can't breathe ...'

He released me. I dropped into cold water, and he stepped back with his palms facing me.

'... Okay ... This is cool ... We're cool, huh ...?'

He was Max again, his face had softened and his eyes had a gentle look about them. He was wondering what was going to happen next. I walked further into the water and turned to face him. He was on the bank, by then, watching my every move.

Resting my hands on my knees, I bent to get my breath, my heart pounding in my chest and ears. I watched him move from one bare foot to the other, hands on his hips, water dripping from his hair and goatee. A puddle had appeared around him, he stepped out of it, wiping wet curls over the top of his head.

'See ... I still love ya ... Even if ya hate me ... And, yeah, even after ya punch me in the damn nuts ... Jesus, woman, you run fast ...'

His head bobbed from side to side, a grin touching his lips, as he looked at me through his wet curls and laughed.

I pulled air in through my nostrils, the smell of the damp ground and trees engaging in my brain. I was looking through my brows at him, not getting the joke, wet and growing cold. I shook water from my hair, straightened up, and turned away from him and the mountain. I was looking across the meadow and the place we'd made love, arms hanging by my sides.

'... I love you, too, you mad bast'd,' I heard myself say. I turned my face to him over my shoulder. 'We've made love in that field ... Just over there, in fact ...' I was pointing nowhere in particular. 'Do you remember how we lost a whole day in that long grass?'

I ambled over to him, my face sombre, shoes full of water, like wading through cold custard. My trainers squelched as my feet made contact with the muddy bank, puddles appearing where I stood.

'... I do love you, Max Manley but, shit, you hurt me so bad ... If we're gonna beat this we gotta stick together ... It'll be the hardest thing we've ever faced ... But it's us against them ... Can I trust you, ever again, Max?... Can I?' I whispered.

I looked down at his bare feet, muddy, with grass stuck to his toes. He'd run after me like that, he hadn't even noticed.

Placing a cool hand to my cheek, he replied, 'Please ... I wish ya'd try ... Give me one last chance ... I miss ya so much I can't breathe ... I need to feel ya beside me every second ... And I hate it when ya ain't there ... I'll do anything, but I'm not giving up ...'

His eyes, full of tears, locked onto mine.

'... I love ya so much, Tee ... And have done for so long ... Please, don't leave me ... It hurts without ya here.'

A single tear pushed its way free and escaped towards the corner of his half smile, his eyes never leaving mine.

I slid one hand round his neck and into his damp hair.

'We need to be strong, Max, stronger than we've ever been before ... I'm here for ya, baby, just hold on a little longer ... We'll make it, I promise ... I promise ...'

His head fell onto my shoulder as my other hand slid up his arm, under his sleeve and onto his back. My words and actions opened the flood gates of a broken hearted man. Strong arms slid round me as he crushed me to him, sobbing into my semi dry hair. We held to one another as the pain and sadness became one big hurt. Neither of us wanting to let go, we sank to the ground. Finally, we'd found each other again.

The day was disappearing with gay abandonment when we eventually managed to get our shit together, sat in the mud. The sound from the stream had a calming effect and apart from that, the only other heard had been Max having a cry. When the sobs slowed, he looked up and wiped his face with his shirt, as he always does when he's removing any excess water.

Gazing up into the trees above, he whispered, 'I guess ya won't be staying ...' A tear trickled from an eye. 'I wouldn't blame ya if ya go ... I been such a fucking asshole ...'

Silence followed, his breathing steadied, his head still tilted back. He was sat with his arms stretched out behind acting as supports. I watched his fingers grab into the mud as he tried to stifle a big sigh. Leaning forward, I kissed his goateed chin.

'Honey, I'm not going anywhere ... Come on you, let's get out a here ... These wet clothes are starting to weld themselves to me.'

He seemed happy with that, I rose and extended my hands down to him. He realised my ring was gone and looked at me with the question on his face.

'It's okay, it's safe,' I answered, 'don't worry about it now, we got other shit to deal with ...'

He took my hands and, once on his feet, he slid his arm round my shoulders and leant my stream scented head towards him to kiss. We slowly made our way back along the path. Neither of us spoke, we didn't need to, not in those moments anyway.

Applying Some Logic

The first thing I did when we reached the lodge was ring Winnie. Seems I'd not be there for our lunch date, after all. Arranging it for another day, I said I'd be back, but wasn't sure when. She said she'd check the house for me and hoped everything was okay.

I was starting to shiver when we ended the call. Max had poured two Jacks as I placed the receiver down. We stood in silence as we sipped our drinks. The heat felt good as it spread through me. My jeans were almost rigid as they dried to my legs, I smelt of the stream too. He wasn't expecting what I did next, I could tell by the look on his face.

I walked over to the breakfast bar and put my empty glass down. Turning to him, I spoke.

'Don't know about you ... But I'm having a shower ...'

Peeling the wet t-shirt off, I dropped it onto the floor in front of him. He grinned, watching as he sipped his drink. As I reached the hallway towards our bedroom, I stopped with my back to him, unhooked my bra and, stretching out my arm sideways, I discarded it with a smile.

'Care to join me?' I whispered over my shoulder.

I peeled off my jeans, in the doorway, as Max finished his drink and started to strip, still grinning. I walked into our en-suite in just my panties, as Max appeared naked. He walked over to me as I started running the shower, his excitement already evident.

With one swift movement, he slid my white frillies to the floor and I stepped out of them. They were screwed up into a ball, and then launched over his shoulder, to land near the door. With the water running hot steam from the enclosure, he slid his arms round me, hard-on crushed to my belly, and walked me backwards, straight into the hot water.

I'd forgotten that only four hours earlier I'd been in there weeping. I'd tried to erase the memories of frustration and anguish from the last twenty-four hours. We were all loved up again, and I wanted him so badly I hurt. I just needed to be with him, in love and all wrongs to be right. Was that too much to ask for?

We stood under the steamy water, clinging to each other, kissing faces and necks, lips to eyelids, lips to lips, touching, teasing, taunting. Fingers in hair, fingers down spines, fingers on cheeks, we whispered our love. We took it in, tasted our words, and made it real. We oozed want and need, cupping, kissing and crying our passion into the hot water.

Before my legs gave way, he turned me round and picked me up. Kicking the shower door open, as I turned the water off, he matched us back to our bedroom, kissing me all the way. We knew where it was heading and we were enjoying every second.

He laid me on the bed and sunk down next to me, our lips still touching. His hand caressed my tummy, as he looked sideways at the chair, the one stood against the wall. My gaze followed his, and he was off the bed before I even understood what he meant. Taking it away from its usual place, he stood it nearer and sat down with his arms crossed.

Looking over at me, lying where he'd left me, the light changed in his eyes as he grinned, 'If ya want it, ya better come and get it ... What ya waiting for ...?'

I shook my head from side to side as I moved from my spot to stand before him.

He slowly ran his eyes up my body, as his hands came to rest on the back of his head. Eye to eye, he slowly watched as I moved towards him, a thigh either side of his. Then, taking him in hand, I led us down a path of no return, and he was quite willing to follow my train of thought. Very gently I lowered myself down upon him, the connection an easy manoeuvre. As he went to move forward to kiss me, I caught his wrists behind his head and held them there, rendering him pinned in his seat.

We moved in a slow rhythmic pattern. Soft murmurs and promises came with lips to skin, heat and sweat. With these came admittance of guilt and forgiveness from the heart. As the speed increased, his panting, moaning and grunts grew louder. My eyes closed as my head fell backwards, the darkness warm and sensual.

Suddenly the motion stopped and his hands were moved to the inside of my thighs, so his arms hooked under to lift my weight. Without another sound, he stood, our bodies still joined. My arms dropped to his shoulders as he moved to the wall, my back coming to rest against it. Locked together, we rode a different sort of need, almost animal in action.

There we stayed, the devotion mending a path that had been lost for a while. We knew how close we'd come to the ending of us, and our actions were making the hurt seem less. If we could just lose ourselves in each other again, we could deal with anything that came our way. Together we were so strong, and we knew that too.

Turning us away, he walked us to the bed and gently lowered me back onto the waiting sheets. The heat rose, again, as I travelled towards a tearstained finale. Cramming his final moments into me, the past few weeks made the loving all the more important. My body, accepting the intrusion, turned it into the perfect ending, my mind lost in the emotions. When my legs intertwined with his, he surrendered into me, hard, hot and noisy. After a few moments, and as his crazy breathing slowed, my body felt like sparklers on a dark night, bright and beautiful.

I chuckled, 'I still can't feel my legs ...' I was so alive, lying there, wrapped in his arms.

He hadn't withdrawn and was silent, except for his heavy breathing into my hair. His arms had let go of their grip around me as he came. As the sensation slowly clawed itself back into my limbs, I took his hand and kissed the back of it.

'Another shower, then?' I giggled. He was still quiet. 'You okay, hon?' I asked, my voice, husky and dry. A droplet of sweat skipped in bursts down to the corner of my eye. I moved my hand and brushed it away. 'Max? ... You fallen asleep ...?'

'Nah,' he replied onto my neck through a mat of hair, 'I'm still cruising my damn head rush,' he chuckled quietly. 'Thought I was gonna go blind, for fuck sake.'

He suddenly laughed, squeezing me to him, my fingers coming to rest in his curls.

We wasted our time there, limbs knotted together, planning our week. I had to go back to the house, at some point, even if it was to close it down. I loved being there, with those people. Max couldn't understand that, he craved solitude, it was good for his soul and his music, a place he felt safe. Sad, really, I loved Main Street, the Deli and Ma King's Place. I enjoyed having people drop by for a chat, coffee and cookies.

That place was all me and the lodge was all him. We started to realise we didn't live in a place of our own. We were like two bachelors bitching about the area we should move to. Someone was going to have to give. He craved seclusion and silence, I needed people around me. How the hell were we going to sort that one out? Just as well I didn't mention the bloody wedding, can't imagine what that would have erupted into.

Seems we ended the subject when he got up and walked off into the bathroom. I heard the water running in the shower again. I rolled back into the pillows, staring at the ceiling, listening to water splashing on skin. He was singing to himself, a sign he was thinking about something.

He paddled back into the room, leaving a line of footprints in the carpet, towel wrapped around his waist.

'Why can't we have both?' He was rubbing water from his hair. 'Dan's got two pads, so has Stevie and Jake, why can't we have two pads? We got the money ... Let's do it, our first place together ... Our first place ...'

He was stood, nodding his head at the idea, looking at me, all smiling eyes and perfect features.

'He's so fucking gorgeous,' I thought to myself, watching him, his movements, and the way his hair fell. Damp curls always do it for me. His tanned body, the muscle lines in his belly and the sexiest shoulders, and back, I ever did see. He filled my sight and heart, and I knew he was my future.

'Arh, come with me ... See the house ... How can you dismiss something before you've even seen it?' I asked, cooking, whilst sipping a nice Rosé. 'It's a nice place, what have you got to lose?' I was making pancakes while the bacon sat in the grill, smelling divine.

'Yeah,' he mumbled from the den, 'Ma said she liked it ... She rang me and told me all about it.' He was sat, chugging a beer, lost in a place only he occupied. 'Okay then... I'll come and see the damn house ... It'd better be worth it ...'

Clapping my hands and grinning like a child, he looked at me and smiled. I passed him his plate of cholesterol and he sat, munching away, happy with his bacon and beer.

There was no talk as his plate was cleared and another beer opened. I sat, watching his path to the cooler, the way he pulled the cap off and tossed it into the sink. Resting with his back to the work top, bottle to lips, he chugged a few gulps back, his eyes closing.

Dropping it from his face, he looked at his feet. 'What if this kid is mine, Tee? What happens then?' His glance shifted towards the windows, eyes squinting as he thought.

No smile, then, just motionless features, framed by messy hair. I sat in silence for a moment. I'd had to except this was going to be mentioned at some point. Even I had to face up to that.

Playing with my wine glass, turning it in circles on the breakfast bar, I replied. 'Then, we deal with it ... I hate to say it but, if it is, everything changes.' My eyes were misty as I finished the last two words.

I shut them and wished away the tears. I wanted to scream to the ceiling 'for fuck sake, how is this even fucking happening', but I had to hold it together. The next week would be hell waiting for these sodding results, is he or isn't he? Inside me was also the struggle over the audacity of him doing what he did in the first place.

It takes two to make a child. It's supposed to be a wonderful coming together of heart and soul. Two people, so in love, the only thing to add to that is a child created from it. Not some trashed fuck with some old ho in a scummy hotel somewhere. It still blew me away, but I had to put in a box in the back of my head, and try to forgive and forget. Easier said than done, obviously.

Max's hands sliding round me from behind jogged me back, his chin rested on my head. 'I'm so sorry ... I didn't know what I was doing ... Please, please, forgive me.'

His words, said into the air before me, fluttered down and made me want to cry.

I knew he was sorry, I knew he was so shitfaced he hadn't a clue what he was doing. I also knew what a fuck-up she was, I knew it all, about all of it. I just didn't want to hear it, not the words. It made me sick, keep being reminded of how she'd taken that one thing away from me, something as important as our first child, Max's and mine. How dare she, the fucking bitch. Patting his arm, I turned on the stool and walked to the fridge for more wine.

'I can do the forgiveness thing, regarding the fact that it even happened, I can do that ... It's the baby thing I can't cope with yet, I guess, in time, that may change.'

The bottle nearly empty, I filled my glass and changed hands, before pulling another from the rack and putting it the fridge to cool.

'One day at a time, aye ... What can I say? ... You rodgered your ex and didn't tell me, Max ... And your Ma told me about the baby, not you ... Now, excuse me, but in my books, that's a rather big fuck-up ...'

Looking over at him, pale faced, my smile dropped from my eyes. He'd sat in my spot and was watching me, glass to my lips, gulp it down. When I took it away, it was nearly empty. I was starting to feel a little bit pissed. The wine was having a lovely effect and just at the right time.

'Anyone else and I wouldn't be standing here, now, I'd be back in England ... And you, my darling, would be history ... D'ya see?' I ambled over with my glass, stood between his open knees, and patted his cheek. 'Don't look sad, we can do this, we can ... Just trust me, will you?'

His eyes showed a new sorrow. Knowing what he'd done and how close he'd come to losing me was all still fresh in his mind. He pulled me against him, his head to my chest with my fingers in his hair, twiddling curls. We were silently holding onto our love.

When I say I wanted to get pissed, I mean just that. Throughout the rest of the day I managed to finish the other bottle of wine and sink three quarters of a bottle of Jack on my own. I didn't finish the opened Jack, nah, I got myself a nice new one and indulged myself.

The last time I saw Chels, she'd chucked me a bag a weed, glad I had it, I rolled spliff after spliff and, come 10 p.m. that evening, I was annihilated. I could hardly see and my speech was pretty bad. I crash landed in the bathroom, twice, and Max had to rescue me the second time when I fell in the bath.

I was singing, sat at the bar, loud obnoxious music that pumped from the stereo. Max's last album was obliterated by my voice, but I thought I sounded great.

At one point, I was told later, I wanted to get down into the studio and record my own album. I wanted Max to write it, play all the instruments and produce a CD, all in one night. We were even up and dancing while I could still stand. I spent about twenty minutes head-banging around the den, then collapsed in a heap, laughing, on the couch. It was entertaining for a while, but then the blues kicked in.

I was trying to focus on Max. He was brewing coffee for me, he'd had enough. I staggered to the breakfast bar and propped myself on a stool.

Vaguely looking in his direction, my speech slurring, I asked, 'If thiz kid iz yourz, you gonna want anyfing to do wiv it?'

He walked over and rested his forearms on the counter facing me. Raising his eyebrows, he smiled slowly.

'I'm sorry, honey, but I ain't talking to ya about this now ... I'm putting ya to bed and we can do this tomorrow.' Walking round into the den, he took my face in his hands. 'Besides, I wanna go see this stupid house ya found and drink beer in McCall's ... How big did ya say the plot was, again?'

And, as quickly as that, he'd changed the subject and pushed me onto something else. Because I was so smashed, I hadn't even noticed, I went into great detail about the funny little house that would probably fit in his mega size studio.

I woke in our bed, sunlight hitting the wood floor and running a path to the wall. The balcony doors were open and I could hear the sounds from the beautiful beyond. Birds sang a chorus, a light breeze touched the air, and I could smell the trees and flowers. Deep breathes in through my nose, laying starfish in the bed, naked, felt good. Max's patch was still warm, he wasn't far then. I could smell coffee and bacon, the aroma taunting me from my comfy spot. I wanted to move, but just couldn't be arsed.

I heard footsteps down the hall and, looking up, saw Max come sauntering in with a tray. I propped myself up on all the pillows as it came in to land on my lap. A wine glass had a few little flowers swimming in it, which I remembered seeing down by the stream. There was coffee, fresh juice, toast, cereal and toasted bagels and bacon. I pitched into the latter while he consumed the former as he lay across my ankles, supported by an elbow.

'How's ya head?' He was chomping toast, butter ran down his chin. 'Had yourself quite a wild night there, didn't ya?'

I shook it to see if there was any pain hiding within. 'Not bad, actually ... No hangover for me it seems.' I smiled at him as he drank his juice. 'Was I dancing on the bar, again?' I sniggered, coffee in one hand and bacon bagel in the other.

'Nearly,' he smiled back, 'ya don't remember the head-banging then?' He started on the cereal, the toast gone.

I was giggling, listening to my antics. The silly singing, the awful jokes I told, and ability to make all that Jack evaporate. I think he was impressed in one way, but not in another.

He had me in tears, laughing, as he described my actions and took the piss, relentlessly, over my effort at dancing. He even gave a demonstration. I thought it looked good, but then erupted into laughter, again, as he told me about me murdering his album.

'My life's work was reduced to shrieks of pain and the sound made when fingers are slammed in a car door,' was his only comment on that subject.

He'd had fun trying to get me into bed, too. Seems I wasn't all that interested in going when the time came. I'd wanted to sit on the balcony and watch the sun come up, naked. He'd got me inside, in the end, by blackmailing me with a Jack topped hot chocolate and a joint. I couldn't get in there quick enough.

Apparently, I was walking round in just my Sunday shawl, nothing else. He found that partly funny, but he would, wouldn't he? I said he should have simply stripped naked and walked to our bedroom, I would have followed, willingly.

'So,' I asked, smiling, as I finished my coffee, 'did we have any sexy sex then?'

He'd taken the tray off my lap and placed it on the coffee table, then flopped into the couch facing the balcony doors.

'Hell, no, honey,' he laughed, lighting a spliff. 'We didn't have any sexy sex, as ya call it ... I wasn't gonna do that to ya, you were so shitfaced ... Ya wouldn't have remembered it anyway, and that just ain't fair ... That why ya asking? ... In case ya got some and couldn't remember?' He was sat with his legs up on the couch, smoking his spliff as if it were a Cuban cigar.

'It might be!' I replied, watching him blow smoke rings, the breeze carrying them and the sweet smell over towards me in the light.

In silence, I slid from the sheets, slung on my robe and ambled over to where he sat. Taking the spliff from his fingers, he ran a hand down the back of my leg as I moved to sit the other end of him, my legs draped over his, my knees bent. The weed was nice as I melted into the cushions, eyes closed and a big grin on my face.

'We could have it now, if ya want?' He was grinning at me and moving up the couch between my knees, his hand to his flies.

'Have what now?' I'd been lost in getting stoned, mind wandering, eyes closed, as usual.

My right arm was above my head, elbow bent, dangling over the end of the couch. My left held the spliff to my lips, the long hot pulls making my bottom tingle.

'... The sexy sex we didn't have last night ...'

Taking the joint from between my fingers, he dropped it into the ashtray on the table, his eyes coming back to rest on mine.

He was over me, looking down and opening my robe. The smile grew when my naked form was revealed, kneeling back, he peeled off his t-shirt. Still on haunches, he ran his hands from my breasts, all the way down to my ankles, his eyes following them.

I heard him laugh to himself, a deep, throaty laugh. His eyes twinkled in the light as he looked back into mine, the devil lurking behind them. Gently, he hooked his hands under my knees and dragged me down the couch a little, my head hung over the edge. After getting naked himself, he knelt between my legs. Taking my right ankle, and supporting it on the back of the couch, he slid in for the kill.

My whole body curled into itself as he took control the moment, his fingers and tongue working together to render me plundered. I could feel every movement, every tease an electric shock down my spine. The nibbling, touching, whimpers and sighs, lasting forever, tasted in a second, remembered for a lifetime.

I felt his hand travel to my throat, caressing and needing, as his thumb brushed my lips. I gave myself away too easily. With his mouth to my skin, he inched his way back up my body, all the time flicking the end of his tongue over my sensitive parts. He was nipping, brushing, whispering, with a warm hand. I dissolved, again, sighing, biting lips, my eyes lightly shut.

He was kneeling between my legs when I could finally see again. Beautiful eyes, beautiful smile, beautiful face. Taking hold of my hips, he pulled me up onto his thighs as one hand went to his dick. He slid into me, grinning, looking at me under his brows, eyes piercing right through me.

The grip tightened as he started to slowly move inside, pushing my head against the arm cushion. I had one hand gripping the cushions beside me, and the other holding onto Max's arm. The sensation blew my mind as I melted over Max.

His eyes widened as his lips tightened over his teeth, his hips still moving. Hands slipped around my thighs as he adjusted his position a little. His eyes closed, slowly, and his head fell back. I'd been watching his reaction. A grin touched my lips as I rode his last moments. My body opened up to receive him, and all he was, and all he could give.

Long, slow strokes, I could feel him expanding, he was getting ready to give himself. I could hear his breathing change and knew what was to come. His fingers dug into my flesh as his movements became jerks and his guttural sounds got louder. He'd reduced me to a whimpering mess, but his quest wasn't over yet.

His head came forward and I saw that need to possess, blue eyes under brows, tongue touching his top lip, his dirty grin. I was nearly ripping my hair out, he loved it. My body couldn't take much more of it. I'd passed meltdown fifteen minutes ago. He watched my face, saw my eyes close, and my hand reach up for him. He lowered himself forward and cocooned me in his arms. Kissing my face and neck, he gyrated, slowly, deep inside me.

With his eyes closed and his face in my hair, he whispered, '... I love ya so much ...'

I crumbled inside with every movement he made. I could feel every inch of him. A tear ran from the corner of my eye, as I clung to him and was swept away by him. My lips touched his shoulder, traced into his hair, found his neck. My hands to his back, nails gently down his spine, his scent intoxicating. I wanted him, held onto him, and I truly loved him.

I felt him expand one more time, heard the sound in his throat as he pushed up on his arm, and saw the look in his eyes. We belonged there, in that space. His other hand, squeezed and kneaded my flesh, bringing me to him. His eyes took in every inch, his face showed every emotion.

This was the reaffirmation of our love, remarking our territory, making us one. Maybe he was being reminded of what he nearly lost. He watched me all the time he came, biting his bottom lip, his eyes on mine, my legs locked round his.

I saw his 'Oh yeah, Baby' moment, eyes on fire, sweat down his cheek. I felt the calming rush, and let it wash over me, as the cool breeze skipped over my hot, naked skin. Then silence.

I started laughing to myself, remembering a time in a horrid hotel bar in London once. He was pissed and made a comment about me being fucked so hard that I couldn't feel anything afterwards. I'd always wanted it to be him and hey, presto.

He wanted to know what the joke was. I explained, we giggled, and he started a tickle fight. We ended up on the floor, naked and kissing, trapped in time and each other, the balcony doors wide open and the real world beyond.

A Funny Little House

It was early afternoon as we drove down the main street of Silver Spring. Max was behind the wheel of the Camaro, wraparounds, faded t-shirt, black jeans. I was sat, bare feet on the dash, shades down , wearing the cowboy hat Stevie had given me. Usual vest top and shorts, the flip flops discarded, we were singing to the radio, my hand on his thigh. We'd bantered shit all the way, he said he was gonna hate it, taking the piss but smiling and laughing. I said he was gonna love it, and went into detail about the rooms.

Still being a git, he turned the radio up, saying, 'It's probably a God damn rotten shithole.' He was laughing, loudly, as I smacked his arm and told him it'd been done up. Again with the comments,

'Arh, that don't mean shit ... Bet the walls are caving in all the same ...'

I turned the stereo louder and sunk down into the seat, my knees up, while I pulled faces at him. He placed a hand on one of them and squeezed, his eyes smiling over his shades. Max won. I leant over and kissed his cheek.

'You'll see, you sod ... And you'll like it, alright,' I grinned back at him, squeezing the inside of his thigh with my fingers.

I directed him left, after the book store, and along the track that led us out of town and into lush meadows. The grasses swayed to the tune of the breeze, the sunlight making it seem an ocean in waves of green and gold. The forest, a frame along its backdrop, had gaps showing white amongst the brown. The bend, before the house, gave a nice feeling of coming home. I was excited to be back.

As soon as I saw the roof over the cherry tree, I knew I was there. I pointed Max into the drive and smiled at the flower borders and stunning maples. He parked up where I usually did, right out front, and I was at the door before he'd climbed from the car. Keys already in hand, I was unlocked and in as he walked up the steps, sunglasses propped on his head.

Winnie had put what mail there was on the pine table. It felt good to be home, at last. I checked the fridge. Stuff had been replaced and fresh milk sat in the door. She was a good friend.

Max was stood, perusing the room, hands in pockets, silent. I went to the sink, filled the kettle, then checked the stove, everything was cool.

Looking at him, I walked to the stairs. 'Come on ...' I took the first one and extended my hand out to him, 'I'll show you around ...'

He was quiet as we walked the spaces his family had stayed in. We climbed the stairs to my room, the converted attic, hand in hand, the last three steps giving way to a wonderful vaulted ceiling. Beams and eaves ran white lines across the roof as low windows gave a beautiful light across the Maple floor. I sat on the big brass bed, quietly, as he checked out the shower room and separate dressing area.

The apple white on the walls gave it a fresh, crisp feel, as white voile bellowed at the window I'd opened. I looked round the room, knowing the colour and remembering the mess it was in. He saw it now, he didn't see it then. It was a damp ridden whole full of shit, now it was a haven, tranquil and calming.

Max returned from his exploration and dropped into the Lloyd Loom by the old dressing table, strange grin on his face. 'Ya gonna show me the grounds then, how much land does it have?'

As we walked our way downstairs and out back, I explained I didn't know the size of the actual plot, yet. I knew it stretched to the trees in the distance.

He stood, silent, a hand shielding his eyes, looking out over the meadow to the tree line beyond. I sat on the swing, my gaze following his. There was that silence again, long and hot.

'... You want some coffee, or there's beer in the fridge? ... Max?'

His head turned with my words. He was lost, looking over the land, thinking.

'Beer would be great, hon ... Thanks ...'

He went back to the view as I walked into the kitchen and left him in the sun.

The kettle had boiled, switching itself off. I retrieved a beer from the fridge for Max, opened it and put it on the table. I poured myself a double Jack and topped it up with cola. Taking a few gulps, I replenished my glass for Dutch courage and all that. I turned with the Jack bottle in my hand to see Max coming in the back door.

'Started already? Is it a one woman party or can anyone join in?' he sarcastically grinned.

He walked to the table and took his beer. Walking away, he headed for the couch, landing on it the same way Chelsea had, legs up and crossed at mid-calf.

Carrying my glass, I followed suit. Sinking into the other couch, looking over at him, I spoke.

'Come on then, spill ya guts ... I can see you're dying to slag it off ...'

After he'd taken a few swigs of beer, he looked at me and smiled. 'As it happens, I think it's kinda nice ... I like the house and what I seen of the land. Ma said ya bought it, how much ya pay for it?'

There was the question I was waiting for, the truth be out now.

'... Actually ... I have a confession to make ... I'm renting it ... Stevie took it as I'd bought it, I never got the chance to correct him ... He was so excited for me ...'

Max's face changed, his eyebrows dropped a notch as he watched me speak.

'Okay ... So, how long is the renting period?'

That one sentence was enough to gauge the mood he was suddenly in.

'Six months,' I cringed.

Gulping down half the glass, I rose then walked to the pine table, sat and started to roll a spliff. The silence was a blank wall before me.

'SIX FUCKIN MONTHS!' was bellowed at me.

I could almost feel its gust of air against my face. I closed my eyes and waited, but nothing followed. Opening them I saw Max facing me, his hands to his hips, sunglasses hanging from his shirt pocket, shaking his head.

'What the fuck, Tee?' he whispered, looking over at me.

'Yeah, well ... Just as well I didn't buy the fucker, then, aye? I didn't know what was happening, did I? I nearly went back to England, Max, first flight home, but that all turned to shit ... I wasn't looking good for us at the time, was it? I just drove ... I ended up here ... I needed somewhere to get my shit together.' I paused, finished building my spliff and lit it, the first pull always being the best. 'I wasn't gonna stay at your Ma's, I couldn't ... I took the first thing that came up, this place ... It doesn't have to be for that long, there's no lease, just an agreement between friends ...'

His face softened as he came and sat opposite me. I passed him the joint, more smoke rings. Smiling at me, he drank his beer then spoke.

'I see where ya coming from, hon ... I'm sorry I shouted at ya ...'

There was the Max I was in love with, the gentle, sweet Max, not the shouting arsehole with the grumpy face.

I did manage to blackmail him into a walk into town with the promise of sweet loving over a big, ole, brass bed. He finally caved when I described what I'd do with my mouth.

Grinning, he headed for the door. 'Come on then, woman ... What the hell we waitin for here?'

With that, he was out and into the sunshine, leaving me to lock up.

It was another stunning day in Silver Spring, the walk, quiet and calming. Max, with his thumb hooked in my shorts back pocket, me chatting on about the town and people. I couldn't see his eyes hiding behind his shades, but he grinned and nodded a lot as he took in his surroundings.

Tying a grass stalk into knots, I continued. '... You'll like Winnie, she's a lovely lady ... She knew who I was ... She'd seen the mag interview you did at the lodge, she recognised me from the photo of us on the balcony ...'

Max stopped dead, his smile dissolving.

'I'm not liking the sound of this ... They know who ya are? For fuck sake, Tee.'

He pushed his shades up onto his head and stood looking at me.

'People don't know we're here, do they? There's not gonna be press and cameras everywhere, are there?'

The frown touching his face was a reminder of being crushed, voices screaming his name, the escape to the waiting car, and there we were, walking.

I stepped towards him and placed a hot palm on his cheek. 'They don't care, Max, that's what I'm trying to tell you ... They couldn't give a shit who we are ... You might get the odd double take, but that's about it ... Give it a chance, aye? If you start to feel uncomfortable, we can come back to the house, it's not a problem ... But, please, just try ... For me ...'

I smiled my sweetest smile and patted the sun kissed skin where my palm rested.

He huffed out a laugh through his nostrils, took my outstretched offered hand, and we then resumed out countryside walk. I led the way through calm silence to hear the birds and insects on the breeze. A gently rushing sound came in bursts, as the long grasses moved as one, a sea of glowing green, alive and whispering. Just for those lost moments it was he, very quiet and happy to amble, and me, at peace, cocooned if the love from one man. Alas, soon enough, the dusty track would give way to the little houses that led to the corner bookstore, and those moments would be no more.

As we walked to the junction onto Main Street, I stopped and turned to Max. He looked down at me with quizzical eyes, regarding the sudden halt. I studied his face for a second then took him by the shirt and pulled him down for a kiss.

'So that you know ... I love you and I'm here for you, okay?' I smiled up at him, his cheeky grin beamed back. 'Okay, we can do this,' I finished, as we turned the corner and headed for Winnie's dress shop.

She was in as usual, well, sat in her yard, actually. As soon as she saw me, she was on her feet and coming over for a hug.

'Well, hello to you, young man ... You must be Tee's secret lover,' her voice dropped to a whisper, 'the one she keeps stashed away in the mountains.' She winked up at him as his smile lit up his eyes. 'I was wonderin when she'd bring ya down here and show ya off,' she beamed, as she hugged Max to her.

He looked a little surprised by the action. 'Nice to meet ya, Mam ... My name's...'

'... I know who ya are, silly, and call me Winnie ... Now sit down and have some lemonade ... If ya walked from the house, and it looks like ya did by the dust on ya boots, ya'll be needing a nice cold drink ... Or I can get ya a beer, if ya'd be preferring that?'

Hospitality poured from the little lady as she bustled around to make us feel more at home. Cookies were grabbed from her upstairs kitchen and china plates appeared on cue.

Max was happy with the lemonade and we sat, chatting, like old friends. Even Max chirped in with a few comments, he was looking forward to a beer in McCall's up the street. We found it easy to sit there and lose track of time, talking and laughing the afternoon away.

I needed to pick up a few things from the grocery store and that was to be our next stop. I thanked Winnie for the kind thoughts at the house and she said no problem, anytime. We had more hugs, said our goodbyes, and then walked out onto the sunny street once more.

It was a quiet afternoon. The usual chaos had died down, a few cars drove by and there were a few people about. Otherwise, we had the street to ourselves. We chatted as we walked, holding hands, looking in store windows. I smiled to myself as we passed the Motel where I'd started. I didn't mention it. You never know, I might be in need of it again, someday.

'See,' I said as we reached the grocery store, 'no one gives a crap who you are ... I've seen a couple of double takes but that's all ... Even with you looking like some Rock God they just couldn't give a toss ... Here, you're just another everyday Joe, told you not to worry ...'

I walked into the cool store, leaving him outside looking around and smiling at the odd person that passed. He was just starting to relax. Watching him through the front window, I had to chuckle to myself. I arranged with Simon, the store owner, to drop off the order on his way home, and walked back out to Max.

Two doors up sat McCall's, a stop Max had been anticipating. I pushed the door and walked in, Max behind me. Mike was at the bar, as usual, stacking the cooler with bottles. A couple of the old boys sat at the bar and some guys were playing pool, their laughter carried across the empty room.

As we walked over, Mike met us at the counter. 'Hi, Tee, how ya doin, What can I get ya ... Ya usual?'

'I'm good, thanks and, yes, please, Mike.' I turned to Max, 'What d'ya want, hon, beer, Jack, both?'

Mike put my shot glass and Jack bottle in front of me, the glass of beer sat beside it.

'That ya usual? ... Hard core, honey,' Max nodded, his way of acknowledging he'd have the same as me.

With a smile, another beer was pulled and put with the other one. Looking down the bar, I noticed Walt and Vern sat watching the sports channel. They were yelling at a guy doing something wrong. Swearing under their breath, they drank their beers in between the outbursts.

I took the bottle and my beer then motioned to Max to follow me. 'There's a couple of characters here I want you to meet ... Come on.'

I walked off leaving Max to grab his beer, our shot glasses and to follow along behind.

They were sat together at the end of the bar, faces turned up to the TV screen, arms crossed before them, leant against the dark wood. The gentleman furthest away, Vern, wore his usual red check jacket, fishing hat on his head, hooks included and aged about seventy-five. The one nearest was Walt, blue check shirt, old jeans and red braces, aged baseball cap at an angle on his wispy haired head. As I reached them, they both turned and their faces lit up with smiles. Vern was the first to speak.

'Well, well, if it ain't our new partner in crime, Walt ... See she's got our good friend, Mister Jack, with her too ... Looks like our lazy afternoon is about to liven up a little.'

He started to rub his hands together as he spoke, a grin across his chops.

Walt went to stand but I motioned him back to his seat. I placed bottle and beer in front of me as I sat on the stool, Max behind me.

'Hey, guys, I'd like to introduce you both to my partner, Max.' Turning to him, standing at my side, I continued. 'Max, this is Vern and Walt ... Walt lives in the place we came passed, tractor in the yard, remember?'

'Nice to meet ya, Max ... Met ya Ma, brother and his girl at the weekend, was wondering when I'd get to meet you too ...' Walt was studying him over the top of his glasses, grinning.

'Arh, yeah, Ma did mention that ... Nice to meet ya, Walt, and you too, Vern, it's a pleasure,' Max smiled, shaking their hands. 'What ya watching, anyway? ... Anything good?'

And with those few words, Max was stolen away, and I became just another sports widow.

We whiled away a couple of hours talking shit and catching up with town gossip. Vern was the one for the stories about the old days. Him and Walt had been young uns when they played Cowboys and Indians round those parts.

'Tree houses galore in them there woods, back over yonder ... The big ole tree in Nevill's Hollow was where Walt stole his first kiss from Milly ... They were only eleven years old,' Vern recounted.

Walt told the story about the bank robbery in 1957. '... All hell broke loose, people were running and screaming everywhere ... Guns were going off, the cops blocked off Main Street ... They never did get away ... And all that trouble for eighty-seven dollars and fifty-eight cents ...'

They chuckled as they remembered the day. Walt commented he was only thirty-nine years old back then, and was lost in a memory.

'... He'll be thinkin about his lovely Milly ... My, she was a pretty little thing ... Never could work out what she saw in a young farm hand as ugly as him, though,' Vern snorted, as Walt's head turned to him.

'Yeah, just cuz she didn't fancy a young polecat like you, ya ole stinkweed,' he grinned before shooting his Jack back, smacking his lips after the effort.

I noticed, as the afternoon wore on, Walt's battered old baseball cap had slowly worked its way round on his scalp. It travelled every time he scratched his head, putting a jaunty angle to it. I surmised, at that point, the pair of them had probably been in there for the best part of the day.

Gina was with their eldest, playing with Grandkids. Walt was a free man until further notice. He explained being in the bar was his way of socialising. I pointed out that there was just the four of us and Mike.

He looked around and grinned. 'That's all the people I wanna see today, then!' he replied as he sank another shot.

Our visit included watching Max do his thing on TV. The band's latest release appeared, the video, quite cool, and he looked rather raunchy, as we all sang it out of tune. Then Vern did a double take and pointed at Max.

We burst out laughing as I replied, 'Everyone makes that mistake ... He's a good likeness, isn't he? You're not as tall as him though, are you, sweetie?' I asked Max, whilst grinning like a nutter.

'Nah,' chuckled Max, smiling back at Vern and Walt, 'But then, I'm a far bigger man than him, in so many other ways ... If ya know what I mean?' he grinned.

I was crying with laughter but only we got the joke. Vern and Walt where chuckling at us nearly peeing ourselves, we calmed down after a while and said our goodbyes. We were quite pissed as we walked from the bar, his arm round my neck, leaving the laughter and banter to the old boys.

We stood and watched the pink/blue sky over the trees, heard the birds and the night insects swapping shifts, and then it was just us. The last rays of light faded as we reached the house. Simon had left my groceries by the front door. I unlocked and walked in as Max carried our delivery to the table. All was quiet.

The house was warm, after the chill of the night touching my arms and bare legs. I ran upstairs and pulled on leggings and a sweater. When I came back to the kitchen, Max was putting stuff in cupboards. I stood and watched him, smiling. He looked content in his duty, humming to himself as he put beers in the fridge. He caught sight of me smiling at him and grinned back.

'I had a really good day, honey, thanks for showing me that ... And I loved ya get-out regarding me on TV, very smart. I gotta remember that one ...'

He was resting against the worktop, ankles and arms crossed. I sauntered over and leant against him, looking up into his gorgeous face.

'You're very welcome, and I'm glad you enjoyed yourself ... They're good people, Max ... Not everyone is a dickhead, and they're too old to care ... Now, what d'ya want to eat, fancy steak, or, I got fresh tuna ... You're choice.'

I kissed him, then ambled over to the fridge to remind myself of what I'd bought earlier. He settled for steak, I had tuna, easy. We bantered as I cooked and we bantered as we ate. Wine was opened, one white, one red, and I agreed it had been a good day. I was over the moon at the fact that Max had enjoyed his time hanging out, and we'd had some fun for a change. Things were good again, and I wanted it to stay that way.

While I washed up and put dishes away, Max lit a fire in the hearth. I joined him on the couch with two glasses and the Jack. He was laid, legs up, left arm bent behind his head with his back resting in the corner. He was lost in the flames.

I smooched in next to him, along the back, and slid my hand up the inside of his shirt. There was a dreamy slow blink to his eyes, the flickering light reflecting in them.

The house was quiet, only the sound of the fire washed through the room, warm and inviting. The table lamp, by the window, hardly touched us with its glow. The fire held the brightest light, its embers breathing beneath the flames, alive and taking in oxygen. I could see a million tiny house lights, a city ablaze, and a hot Mediterranean sun.

The bent arm behind his head slowly slid down, pulling me to him. His face didn't move, he was hopelessly lost, thinking, drifting. I stretched up and kissed his nicely trimmed chin, as his arm squeezed me to his side.

His eyes moved my way as a grin appeared on his lips. I instantly knew what he was thinking, shagging in front of an open fire. Neither he, nor I, had to say the words. I could read them in his face. His eyebrows rose a little as his grin grew, his eyes a clear blue. I knew my fate.

Without a word, he stood up and stripped naked in two movements, and there he was, ready to get some. Guess it was my turn. I stood up in front of him, peeled off my sweater and vest, and he helped me with my bra. Getting down on his knees, he slid my leggings down my thighs. My panties were a slow affair. Inch by inch, they crept down, Max kissing my belly as they dropped to the floor. Still kneeling in front of me, he looked up into my eyes, his hands on my hips.

My eyes shut, as my head dropped back, and I held his face to me, the tingles making my legs rigid. When he started kissing me there, like that, I thought I was going to drop. My legs flushed cold as the flare spread from my toes upwards, not one piece of my body escaping the sensation. My mind was screaming colours, so I simply went with it.

He was still looking up at me when I finally opened my eyes, I could see him still grinning. Curls hung to his shoulders, I pulled them round into a pony tail and followed his movements. I could control the speed, and thought it only right I should have my fill of him. He liked it too, so he added pressure and I came, harder, my legs aching.

Looking down, I so needed him in me, on me, under me. I pulled his head away and slid down his body into his lap. The movement was eagerly awaited by Max, his hand holding himself ready.

My fingers sunk into soft ringlets as I clung to him, making us one moving mass. The fire darted fingers of light into the room, as the heat between us grew higher. His hands on my hips followed my movements, holding me to him, grinding me down.

Our lips finally met, a slow kiss, gentle, teasing, hardly touching. Tongues together, wanting more, we sucked energy from each other. Together, we felt the pain and desire threshold, teetering on the brink, and waiting for the head rush.

Max was lost in his pleasure, holding me tightly, grunting into me, taking his time and feeling it all. His head pulled back, he was watching us fuck, the view giving him a dirty smile. Looking up, he caught me watching him. I saw his eyes flick to the couch, then back again.

He physically lifted me off him, moving me to the couch. Kneeling behind me, I felt his hand run the length of my back, wiping away the sweat and coming to rest on my dimples. The other hand was slid around my thigh, he'd finally found his true place in life, his happy sigh confirming it.

I felt him slowly inch himself into me, sending sparks up my spine. Closing my eyes, I pushed myself up and onto my arms. His left hand came round the front of my body, cupping my right beast, latching on and holding tight. The other was at my waist, fingers on my flesh, bouncing me off him. I could feel him moving within, the orgasmic waves crashing over my body, making me smile to myself.

The tempo increased as the need got a little more urgent, the grunts, a little throatier. Those were his finest moments, the ones before the release. He held himself back as he tried not to let go too soon. Biting his lip, stopping the gush, standing on the edge, praying for another minute, wishing it would last a lifetime. He crushed me to him as he came, a vocal eruption, a hot gush over a rigid frame. It accompanied talking to God and Jesus Christ, gripping and sighing.

Then there was silence, a slumped head rested on my back, a slow hand reached up into my hair, and the beast was done, bless him.

Nice Wine and Paper Tanterns

Distant knocking brought me out of my dream of trying to swim towards the light. The fire had died in the hearth, the space black and cold. Max had assumed his usual position when we'd fallen asleep in front of the fire. We'd dragged the bedspread off the couch and cocooned ourselves in it, spoon style, him behind. His right arm, stretched out and my pillow for the night, was numb with pins and needles in its hand. As he registered the sound in his brain, he slowly flexed his fingers to resume the blood supply, and still the tapping.

I raised my sleepy head to see the time. The mantle clock said 10.05 a.m. Then it hit me, someone was at the door, we were naked, and our clothes were strewn all over the place. A face appeared at the window, the white voile obscuring it in a flower pattern. It was Stevie.

'... Yoh, Tee-bird ... Ya home, honey?' He walked back to the door and the knocking became a kick. 'Arh, come on now ... A man's dying for a piss out here ...'

Max moved first, jeans on in a flash. My clothes were tossed at me as I stood, wrapped in the cover, so I screwed them up and threw them behind the chair by the window. Max checked for me being vaguely decent before he unlocked and opened the door.

'... Yeah, keep ya God damn cowboy hat on, will ya?' he laughed loudly. 'How's a man supposed to sleep with ya carrying on like that?'

'Jesus, holy, shit ... What you doing here?' was the first thing to come through the door, closely followed by Stevie.

He clocked me by the fire and smiled from me to Max, chuckling as his head turned, his hands to his waist.

'Ya sneaky little bast'ds ... How long you two been hiding out here? Ma rang me cuz she couldn't reach either of ya yesterday ... Ya know how she is and how she worries about y'all ... Sent me over here to do some checking ... Next on the map was Max's.'

He was stood, grinning, as his arms crossed, cowboy hat pushed to the back of his head, shades sitting on its rim. Max was first to speak.

'We got here yesterday afternoon ... Been having some us time ...'

He was pulling his t-shirt on as he spoke, and I sort of shuffled over to sit in the armchair that was hiding my discarded clothes.

Stevie was watching me, nodding his head, big smile across his face. Suddenly he remembered he needed a pee.

'Excuse me, I'll be back in two ticks ... Don't ya be going nowhere, now, I wanna hear more about this us time ...'

With that, he sprang up the stairs, two at a time, to the bathroom. The door closing gave me time to dress. Grabbing clothes, I threw them on. Max remarked that my vest was inside out. It was reversed by the time Stevie reappeared.

The boys sat at the table, talking, while I made coffee and grilled bacon and poached eggs. Max explained our trip into town, as Stevie listened to the details of the experience. Max sounded as though he'd enjoyed being anonymous for the day, it had been a while. Fame is a hard road to travel and every step you take is open to the Press. Being free to walk the streets seemed a distant memory for Max. The previous day, he'd felt almost ordinary again.

'So, I can tell Ma ya ain't killed each other, then? It's nice to see you've started talkin.' He raised his eyebrows and grinned. 'Some time-out won't do ya any harm ... This is a good place to chill for a while ... It's got a good feel to it.' His gaze took in his surroundings, coffee mug between his hands, emptied plate before him.

Max was sat behind me, arm hooked over my right shoulder, his chin on my left. Stevie wanted to know if Max could get to the studio over the next two days. He'd written something for Chelsea, an acoustic love song, he wanted Max to sing it for him. It was part of her birthday gifts. The others being her red Jimmy Choos, a dirty week in New York, and a surprise he couldn't tell us about. He wasn't quite sure if he could pull it off, as yet, so didn't want to say too much. I thought it all sounded wonderful and said she was a very lucky girl indeed.

They arranged for Stevie to come back the next morning, Thursday, and collect Max. I didn't mind staying at the house. I said I had things to do, anyway. When Max asked what they were, I fell quiet.

I didn't want to tell him it would involve thinking about us. I lied and said I'd offered to help Winnie in the shop, stock taking, it was going to take two days, at least. I told Max I'd meet him at the ranch, I'd be driving over Friday afternoon. He seemed happy with that and I won more precious time in my little house.

It was just after 1 p.m. when Stevie made tracks. I got my usual bear hug and forehead kiss, Max got a slap to his shoulder and a dirty grin. We walked him to the pickup and waved him away up the track.

When Max took my hand and led me back to the house, the sun was hiding behind a cloud and, for just one moment, our lives were the same as everyone else's.

Max tidied up the front room, putting the bedspread back and straightening out the sheepskin rug. When the kitchen was cleared up, I joined him on the couch.

Flopping down next to him I had to ask. 'You're not pissed at me because I'm not coming back with you, are you?' My head bounced gently against his arm, my hand on his thigh.

He was slumped in the corner with his fingers trapped under his armpits, faraway look in his eyes.

Turning his head to me he whispered, 'Nah, honey ... I wanted ya to come with me but, ya go help ya friend, I liked her ... I'll see ya Friday night, anyway ...' He was smiling, eyes on mine. 'It's just that it'll be strange without ya there, is all ...'

I hugged him to me. He kissed the top of my head, silence again.

'... I'm going for a shower, you coming?' I asked, getting up and looking down at him.

'Nah, I'm just gonna sit here, awhile ... Enjoy the peace, while I can ... It's gonna get noisy tomorrow in the studio ... Stevie's a stickler for detail ... I can feel it's gonna be a long day.'

His hands moved to behind his head as he slid sideways, feet up.

'Ya go and have ya shower, honey, I'll still be here ... Give me a shout when ya get out and I'll fix you a drink, okay?' he grinned, as I walked to the stairs, his eyes fixed on a point in time, lost within it.

The hot water pounded my back, hitting shoulder muscles, hot and steamy. Washing away the residue of last night's love, taking with it the promises made and kisses tasted. We have so much love for each other, how had we got to there? What was he bloody thinking that night? He wasn't thinking at all, though, was he? Well, he was, just not with his brain. Was it partly my fault for not being there with him? If he'd wanted me and called, I would've been straight there. I would have met him in London, if only he'd rung me. If only...

The tears stinging my eyes made me aware that I was crying. So, it wasn't just the water then, there was hurt. What was I doing blaming myself? I didn't get us into that shit. I hadn't looked at another guy since I'd accepted his ring the year before. He was the one for me, the love of my life, but, I don't know. For me, it's all about the trust, or in this case, the lack of it. Once it's broken in such a monumental way, can you ever get it back? I knew I loved him, without a doubt. Maybe it was just a matter of time. Maybe it could be mended, even if it was Max's kid. Time would most definitely tell, I guess.

Shouting down to Max for my drink, I dried myself and threw on clean clothes. With a towel to my hair, rubbing, I walked into the front room to find it empty. Max was gone from the couch so I ambled to the window. The car was there, but no sign of him out front. I dropped the towel on the table as I walked to the back door.

I heard him before I saw him, sat on the swing. He was strumming my old guitar, humming to himself. I stood in the doorway watching, the notes carrying over the meadow and towards the trees. Head bent over the strings, fingers a blur as he picked and slapped, one second sweet, soft, the next, hard and loud.

He finally caught sight of me. Stopping, he turned his head my way.

'That's my song for ya, honey ... I call it Hard n Fast ... Good, ain't it?' he said, laughing.

'Thanks,' I replied, 'sounded bloody awful ... Was it meant to?' I grinned at him, taking the piss and a seat next to him.

'Hey, don't be so mean,' he bounced his shoulder off mine, 'I wrote that with lurve ...'

'Really,' I laughed at him, 'and there was me thinking you wrote it for a bet ... Bloody hell, please don't release it with a dedication to me ... Promise me? My street cred will hit zero overnight.'

He sat grinning at me as I patted his cheek.

'Don't give up ya day job, aye, because if that's the next single ... I won't be buying it,' I chuckled.

Still smiling, I stood and walked back into the house to get my Jack, the one that wasn't delivered as promised.

We drifted through the afternoon, Max strumming and humming, me planting herbs in the border by the swing. Lemon balm scent, lifting in the warm sun, carried into the blue above. Apple mint and sage reminded me of Sunday dinners and roast chicken. I felt safe in our little pocket of Heaven, hand shielding my eyes, looking over the garden at my man. He was sat, working his magic on the strings of my heart, as well as the strings of my old guitar.

Dinner was al fresco. We sat, eating and talking about the next album. Max was thrilled at the prospect of more touring, and he was so animated as he spoke about the States. China blue eyes darted over my face, the lanterns in the apple trees, glowing behind, creating a halo over his head.

After a while, I couldn't hear him talking anymore. I was watching his mouth move but heard no sound. My stomach churned, feeling the cold of the evening, a shiver touched my spine.

'Ya okay, hon? ... Tee?' His fingers touched mine.

I almost jumped from my chair, the shock of being brought back evident on my face.

'Hon ... Where were ya?' His serious voice had a calming effect. 'Man, you were somewhere else.'

'Urh, sorry, I gotta go in ... Someone just walked over my grave.' I rubbed my arms in a vain attempt to dispel the chill on my skin. 'I'm fine though, sweetie ... Honest ...'

I patted his face with my heatless hand, got up and went inside, our evening of wine and paper lanterns over.

I was first in bed. Max sat downstairs, drinking coffee and having a spliff. I just wanted to be warm, bed sounded like the cure to that problem. I curled into a ball on my side, head under the blankets, knees pulled up. The darkness was absolute, no light and no draft.

I was thinking about all of Max's positive qualities, his sweet nature, his dedication to his music, his love for his family, the way he loved me. A fan of memories opened up behind my closed eyes, we'd had some good times. We weren't just lovers, we'd been best friends. Could I forget, in time? Was I always going to feel like that? Did the event with her even happen? Maybe I should be giving him the benefit of the doubt, there? What if the kid was his, how would I cope with knowing that?

I heard the creaking as he climbed the stairs, then a light was flicked off. He stripped by the light of the bedside lamp and slunk in behind me. An arm snaked across my ribs, lips to my neck, warm breath against my skin.

'Hon, you awake?' his voice a whisper.

I remained silent, eyes blinking in the dark.

His lips touched my skin again. 'Night, baby ... I love ya, more than ya'll ever know.'

I bit my lip as tears stung my eyes, sending sparks of light across my blind vision. A half sigh became a sleepy movement, rendering me closer to his body. His arm tightened around me, right hand cupping a breast, and then all fell silent as the light clicked out.

Stevie was with us bright and early, eager to get to the studio and start work. Max wrestled with getting up to begin with, arms clutching me to him, his face buried under a curly mess.

I skipped down the stairs and let Stevie in. Another beautiful day demanded everyone's attention. Warm air walked in with him as his usual hug crushed me.

He shouted up to Max. 'Come on, ya lazy son-of-a-bitch, I wanna be on the road in thirty minutes.'

Coffee was on the go as we sat waiting for Max to surface. Stevie had already had breakfast and he just wanted to get going. The frustration over Max's inability to get his shit together was evident on his face.

We heard Max before we saw him, stomping down the stairs like a truculent child. He walked over, kissed the parting in my hair, then ran the backs of fingers down my cheek. His smile was watered down, no light touched his eyes. He didn't want breakfast, just black coffee and a black mood.

We all sat chatting, as time slipped by, and before long Max's coffee was done and they were ready to hit the road for Canmore. Stevie's usual smile crossed his face as he walked to the car. Max scooped up his jacket as he headed for the door, me in tow, hand in hand. We walked out into the warm sunlight. I closed my eyes after the shade of being inside.

'I'll ring ya later ... Let ya how we're gettin on, okay?'

Max's hand rested on my cheek as his eyes flicked over my face. He leant forward and kissed me with his smiling mouth, soft, sweet, coffee flavoured.

'Yep, okay ... Drive carefully and I'll see you tomorrow night,' was said into warm curls, my cheek to his shoulder, his arms holding me to him.

'Yeah, tomorrow ... I'll miss ya ... Ya know that, don't ya?' he smiled.

'I know that,' I replied, pulling away as Stevie shouted from his window.

'Yeah, yeah ... Ya love each other and all that shit ... Now, can we get going, please?'

We ignored him.

'... I'll miss you, too ... Love ya,' I smiled at Max.

I followed him down the steps, as he walked away from me, that sinking feeling hit the pit of my stomach again. I hated watching him leave, as he stalked to the car and got in.

They were reversing out of the drive as Max's window came down. 'I love ya, baby ... Be a good girl, and I'll see ya tomorrow night ...'

Then they were gone, and I was alone.

The rest of the day dragged as I caught up on housework and wrote letters home. I found his silly face slipping into my thoughts, a smile touching my lips. I knew I loved him, but waiting for the results from the paternity test was leaving a very bad taste in my mouth. Only a few more days and we'd know for sure. No wonder he was in that mood, it must have been in his head 24/7. He could be a Daddy by the end of the following week.

Birthdays and Engagements

The morning glided into the afternoon, time spent in the yard helped clear my thoughts. The sun and the warm breeze were a kind hand to my forehead as I tidied away the first fallen leaves and picked apples. I loved it there, the quiet a friend to me. I ambled round the town and found Winnie was in her usual good mood. She asked about Max and commented on how handsome he was, said we made a good looking couple. I sat and explained my reservations about the week to come.

'Go and have yaself a lovely weekend, ya need to let ya hair down, have some fun.' She patted my hand and smiled. 'Ya looked so happy together, don't let this stuff be a reason not to love ... I can see how ya feel about each other ...'

'Thanks, Win ... I'm trying real hard to keep it together. I don't want Max to see I'm not doing as well as I say I am.'

I walked to the roses, the blooms sweet and white, thinking about the week ahead.

'Do ya think he is the Daddy?' She moved to my side, sun on her cheek, looking worried for me.

'I don't know, of course, I don't want him to be ... Guess we'll know at the end of next week, it'll be out then ... I'm not sure if that's a good or a bad thing.' I returned to my seat in the shade and finished my lemonade, homemade as always.

'It can only be a good thing if he ain't, both of ya can start to build ya lives together again ... It'd get little Miss Trashy Pants out of ya way for good ... See she's getting hitched to some bigwig Producer ... Landed on her feet there, didn't she?' She laughed as she finished her sentence.

We parted giggling about little Miss Trashy Pants. I'd have to remember that one, it suited her well, and Chels would love it.

The sun was low when I got home. I sat and had a Jack and coke on the swing, looking out over the meadow. I saw us there the previous night. The paper lanterns still twisted on their wire, the breeze flicking them from side to side. I didn't want to leave that place. I could stay there if it all turned to shit. Seems I was making a life for myself. I liked who I was there. That place helped.

I was having dinner when the phone rang. Max's voice was good to hear, I'd missed him, and it felt strange him not there, being a nuisance.

'How's my girl? Ya okay? ... Still missing me?'

I could see his smile when I closed my eyes, placing him in the room with me.

'Yeah, I'm still missing you ... How's it going, and what's the song like?'

'It ain't that bad, actually ... Thought, seeing as Stevie wrote it, it might be all bass and not much else ... Seems he's written a good one, the lyrics needed some work, but we sorted them out already.' He sounded pleased with it and said Stevie was glad it worked out so well. 'Just needs a few tweaks tomorrow, and I reckon it's good to go ... Just hope she likes it ... Seems we're singing it on Saturday ...'

I laughed. 'I think she'll love it, I know I would ... Not that I want you to write one, not after yesterday, thank you.' I remembered Hard n Fast and smiled down the line.

'Arh, and there was me thinking ya loved it ... That breaks my heart ... Well, if I can, I'll try harder next time, huh?'

'Yes, please do,' I laughed. 'Oh, and have you found out any more about this other surprise he's trying to get sorted?'

'Nah, he's keeping his cards to his chest about that one ... Guess we'll all know come Saturday night, though ...'

The call ended with his reaffirmation of how much he loved and missed me, I said I'd see him the following night. As I cut the call, I got the distinct feeling he was expecting to hear another three words that didn't sound like, 'See you soon!'

Friday afternoon came with the clouds and scattered showers the Weatherman warned us about. A cold northerly wind cut through the town as shoppers darted from store to store. Big spots of rain landed on my windscreen. I watched from the Liquor Store, just making it through the door as the heavens opened.

There were so many bottles that Barney boxed them and carried them to the car for me. There was a mix of spirits, always several bottles of Jack, two bottles of Tequila, a nice collection of Champagne, and whatever else came to hand. How to blow over a thousand dollars, not including VAT, in fifteen minutes. I loved it.

He put it all in the front passenger foot well, wedged it in, anyway. Chelsea's birthday presents, from me, were the shabby brown suede jacket, she'd seen in a thrift store, plus a litre bottle of Jack and the portrait I did of Stevie. That was funny how we'd managed that. We'd snatched some time when he lied about coming over to the studio.

'In a way, it isn't a lie, Stevie ... You're still in a studio, it's just not full of musical instruments,' I'd said to him as he pulled his pose for me.

A lovely painting, if I say so myself, I think I caught the side not many saw. And, if he was as pleased with it as I was, I hoped Chels would go mad for it too.

The journey to their ranch was quite a disaster for me. The ShatNav, sending me all over the bloody place, didn't help. It was growing late when I got there, but the rain hadn't touched the ranch at all, it was lovely.

Chelsea came running out, when she heard the car coming, grinning as ever, it could only be one person. Throwing her arms round me, as I climbed from the car, we said our hellos and hugged till we ached. I'd missed her.

I handed her my bag and carried her presents into the house, we left the box of booze for one of the parking attendants. The place was swimming with people rushing round, room to room. A huge marquee took up the side of the house, attached via the conservatory. The standard rose bushes, all of them yellow, that decorated the front and the rear garden, were something else. We dumped everything in Stevie's office and walked into the kitchen, it was chaos.

'Come and see out back,' she said, as she dragged me to the sliding wall of glass, now wide open to allow for the fifty, plus, pairs of feet to charge in and out.

I couldn't believe my eyes. At the far end of the garden, about three hundred or so feet away, a stage had been built and the final checks were being made as we watched. Chairs would eventually be set up a distance from the front to allow for a dance area. Coloured spot lights flicked on and off, in an array of shades, as a hive of activity centred on making everything perfect.
The trees lining the avenue before us had coloured paper lanterns hanging from them. She said she'd loved them when she saw them in Silver Spring, and just had to steal the idea. The whole place looked fantastic, she clapped her hands, bouncing up and down, face fit to burst.

'I have no idea what's going on ... All these guys turned up and built it this morning, isn't it amazing ... Stevie hasn't said a God damn thing ... It's driving me crazy ... I'm so excited I can't wait for tomorrow night ... I'm nearly peeing my pants ...' She was still clapping and grinning as she spoke, reminiscent of a child on Christmas Day.

I turned and dragged her back to the office. 'Come and open the little pressie, the big one you have to keep for tomorrow night ... That's special,' I grinned.

I watched her face as she opened her shabby jacket, it was a classic. She'd forgotten all about it and she was in it in a flash. The hugs nearly strangled me, but she had tears in her eyes so I let her off. From the booze box, I gave her a litre of Jack, that, she did cry over. I had to laugh, I'd not seen her so emotional without her being pissed, this was a new experience for me.

She cracked open the bottle and found two dirty tumblers buried under paperwork on the desk. Using her t-shirt to dust them out, she then filled them both half way and passed me one.

'Here's to me ...'

'Here's to you, indeed ... Happy birthday, my friend,' I chortled, 'live long and prosper, I think they say ...'

Our glasses chinked and half the contents disappeared into our gobs.

She showed me to our room. At the end of the hallway, turn left, middle door. It was painted ivory on three walls, large gold and chocolate flock wallpaper featured on the one behind the headboard. A gorgeous en-suite with huge shower and corner bath, towels and robes included. The French doors led you out to the pool, my favourite spot. They'd run a fence from house to boundary, stopping people trashing it and giving us loads of privacy. I was more than impressed, I was ecstatic. Skinny dipping instantly came to mind.

Giving me some time to sort myself out, we arranged to meet back in the games room. That seemed to be the only place without a throng of people occupying it, plus, it housed the bar. It sounded a good idea to me. I wanted a shower and to change into my evening dress, I said I'd see her in an hour or so.

I stood with my Jack, staring out over the pool towards the mountains, wondering when the boys would be back. Chelsea said they'd left already. Stevie rang as they were leaving the lodge, said they'd be about three hours. The boys were picking Beth up on the way back, and something was said about picking something up from somewhere. Chelsea mentioned mega grams. Enough said.

By what I could gather, it was immediate family that night. The crowd of workers were preparing stuff for the party the next day. It would prove easier, when it got underway in the afternoon, so most of the prep was being down beforehand. We were having a quiet dinner, that evening, and the Caterers were dealing with that. Stevie had bribed the Chef from Chelsea's favourite restaurant in Calgary. He made him an offer he just couldn't refuse. The guy had shut shop for the next twenty-four hours. She said she felt like she was dreaming, as if an incredible fairy-tale was unravelling before her eyes, and she couldn't get enough.

Chels had mention some names she'd invited to her Birthday Bash, Craig Taylor, Mr PR, being one of them. He was over for a month, searching for an office, looking to expand the business a little. Loads of big names were invited, too many to mention, ranging from film stars to bods in the music business. I wondered if Mickey Markwell had been invited, which made me laugh to myself. With Anna-Lee in tow, that would make for an interesting evening.

I knew it was invite only, if your name wasn't on the list, you weren't getting in, simple as that. The Security for the main gates was being done by Joey and his henchmen. Woe betide any would-be gate-crashers, I'd seen him in action, not many win against him, big fists, has our Joey.

After my shower, I dressed for dinner. I'd bought a classic cut little black dress, off the shoulders, made to measure, House of Rachael, again. It fitted like a glove, a little stretch in the fabric gave a beautiful shape, and I think I looked rather good. My hair was swept up into curls on my crown, a diamante clip holding it all in place. The final additions were the diamond earrings, necklet and bracelet Max gave me for Christmas. Prettily plain but beautifully set in platinum, it completed the outfit perfectly.

I'd picked up my lamb's wool bolero jacket, from Winnie's shop a steal at $30, and my new black heels, then walked out into the main part of the house. As I entered the vast hall, a young chap was walking towards me, clipboard under his arm, headset radio spitting orders. As I passed him, his gaze followed my wiggle towards my destination.

I heard a thump and grunt. Turning full circle, I had to giggle. He'd walked straight into the shut door he was heading for. He stood a moment, rubbing the side of his head.

'That'll teach you to keep your eyes on your work, young man,' I laughed as I disappeared into the games room, shoes hanging over my shoulder.

Chelsea thought I looked amazing, but then I thought that about her. She was wearing a beautiful deep red jumpsuit and her new Jimmy Choos Stevie got her for her Birthday. We erupted into giggles when we realised we both had the same fab taste in footwear.

Her long hair, with its red low lights, was left to hang free. I thought it looked gorgeous as the sunlight caught it when she moved. She was half way through a bottle of Champagne, by then, and filled a glass for me as we sat chatting at the bar.

'The boys shouldn't be too long now,' she said, checking the time on her Mickey Mouse watch. 'They left hours ago ... Probably stuck in traffic somewhere ...'

Her mind was wandering as she spoke, I could see she'd had a few joints and a few drinks. It didn't stop her smiling, the corners of her mouth seemed to be fixed in a stupid grin. That much excitement had paralyzed her face muscles into that expression. I couldn't help smile at her, she was so happy, bless her.

'I have to ask ... Have you invited Mickey Markwell?' I laughed, the Champagne starting to take effect with the Jack.

'Hell, no ... Could ya just imagine the carry on if he appeared with that ole pint size piss-taker? Max would go ballistic ... I don't want her here, I'd end up killin her.' She had an evil look in her eye as the words tumbled out. Laughing she turned to me. 'What would ya do if ya saw her? Rip her God damn hair out in handfuls?'

'Jesus, I hadn't really thought about it ... I'm not sure, maybe I'd just laugh at her ... Winnie called her Little Miss Trashy Pants ... Don't ya just love that?' I sat on my stool nearly peeing myself, the name going around in my head.

Chelsea leant her arms against the bar. I could hear her sobbing with laughter.

When we finally calmed down, she walked around behind the bar, repeating the name and smiling, to pour me another Jack. From a box under it, she retrieved a small wrap of coke and chopped two lines onto the black glass. With a rolled $50 dollar bill, she snorted each line and wiped up the dust with a damp finger, rubbing it into her gums.

She chuckled. 'Arh, that's nice ...' the word 'nice' dragged out. 'Ya want some? A dab maybe?'

I declined, saying I might indulge myself at the party. The booze was having a lovely mellow effect. I did mention I fancied a joint though. From another box, also under the bar, came a few ready rolled spliffs, she laid them before me.

'All yours, honey ... Enjoy,' she smiled.

Sitting at the bar, we whiled away some time smoking weed and doing Tequila Slammers, lemon or lime, your choice. We gabbed about the guests and wondered about the stage setup. We still couldn't figure that out. I knew about the surprise song, maybe the whole band was going to be joining in then? I threw up a smoke screen, as best I could, by saying maybe the guys were going to do a set for her.

She then went into one about maybe Stevie had got her favourite band, Toxic Tramps, to play for her. Then gave up on that one, they were on tour. She said that was definitely wishful thinking on her part, and changed the subject to food and being hungry.

We were walking round the kitchen talking to the Chef, Marco, when we heard a vehicle in the drive. Chelsea was gone in a second, after checking herself in the mirror and fixing her hair.

I walked slowly out and stood in the hall, glass of Champagne in my hand, as the guy with the headset rushed passed me. He reappeared with Beth's luggage. She would be staying while the guys were away. Stevie was whisking Chels away for a week in New York, another secret yet to be told.

Beth was the first through the door, closely followed by the boys and Chelsea. When they saw me standing there, all dressed up and looking rather nice, the gabbing stopped and all eyes turned my way.

Stevie stood silent, big grin on his face, Beth's smile slowly developed into a line of teeth, and Max's eyebrows almost touched his hairline.

Putting his hands to Beth's shoulders, he stepped around her and walked over. He came to a halt in front of me, his eyes looking me up and down. There was no emotion on his face as a hand came up to my cheek.

'Ya are, without a doubt, the most beautiful woman I have ever seen ...'

And with that, he leant forward and kissed me softly on the lips. The smile that grew, from his eyes down, was so gorgeous I had to throw my arms round his neck and kiss him again. His hands came up my back onto my hair as he pulled me to him.

'I missed ya ... Now I know why I love ya so much ... Marry me?' was whispered into my ear, his arms almost lifting me from the floor.

I knew, then, how I really felt about him, he was the love of my life, and nothing was ever going to change that.

'I love you so much, Max ... I'm never letting you go ... But, you know that, don't you?' I whispered back.

He pulled away and sunk to his right knee in the hall. I looked at the guys by the door, quizzical expression on my face, empty flute in my hand.

From his pocket he pulled a small box. He took out my engagement ring and lifted my hand.

'Tee Jackson ... Will ya do me the greatest honour of becoming my wife? ... And I ain't asking again,' he grinned, as he slid the ring back onto the finger were it belonged.

Tears stung my eyes as one ran the length of my cheek. He stood and brushed it away, I couldn't help but laugh.

'Well, Max, I'd love to be your wife, and seeing as you asked so nicely, it'd be rude to refuse.'

Clapping erupted in the hall. It was then that I noticed the fifteen people stood behind me, silently watching the proposal.

Beth walked over and hugged the pair of us. 'Now there's another reason to celebrate this evening. Lord, I feel like I been holding my breath for damn weeks ...'

Marco appeared with a tray of Champagne as we walked into the games room, arms round each other, as Beth and Chelsea clucked around us.

Stevie slapped his brother's shoulder and gave him a hug saying something about, 'Do it quick, bro, before she gives ya the slip again.'

He came over and his hug left me breathless, as strong arms lifted me off the floor.

'Bout time ya sorted ya shit out, the pair of ya ... Been driving us all crazy with ya damn nonsense.'

His face was a picture as he put me down. It was the smile I'd caught in the portrait for Chelsea.

'Your turn next, bro?' Max replied. '... It's gotta be coming soon ...'

They touched their knuckles together before laughing, the boyish grins on their faces a dead giveaway that something was in the wind.

And, as I took my Champagne from Marco, I thought to myself, 'What are you two little sods up to, now?'

Dinner was served in the conservatory, seafood starter, meaty main, and a plethora of vegetables, plus, a scrummy dark chocolate mousse with an aftertaste of Brandy. It was incredible, the flavours attacking the palate, reminding me there was more to life than bacon and bagels. The wine menu had been handpicked for the meal. Marco had taken only the best from his cellar. The white was wonderfully fresh and sharp, the red, fruity and clean. A stunning liqueur arrived with dessert, smooth vanilla cream, a perfect match with the velvety dark cocoa in pots.

We retired to the games room as the table was cleared, bellies full to bursting, we groaned as we plonked into Chesterfield couches. Beth preferred the high back armchair, more support for her old bones, she said.

More drinks arrived on trays, Champagne flowed and the Jack was hit quite badly. Max and Stevie sat at the bar, whispering between themselves and laughing. Every so often Max would look over, run his eyes up and down my body, and then smile when he caught my gaze.

'Well,' it was Chelsea, standing, 'I got a full on day tomorrow, and I need to get some sleep ... Ya coming too, Stevie?' She kissed Beth and I, on the head, and held her hand out as she wandered passed the bar.

Stevie moved to take it. 'Yep, sugar ... Right behind ya ...'

'Good night, ya lovely people,' was called back through the door.

'I think I'll follow them up.' Beth finished her drink and walked over to kiss me. 'See ya in the mornin ... Sleep well.' She walked to Max and ran her fingers through his hair. 'Night, son, ya made me real proud this evening ... Thank you.'

She held his face in her hands, as she kissed his forehead, the love pouring over him, their smiles identical.

The house fell silent and all the staff had left, but they would be back in the morning, to resume their duties for the day. Max sat at the bar, sipping his Jack and watching me. He slowly ambled over and closed the door, finally it was just us.

I was sat, centrally, on the long leather couch, right arm along its back, looking at the jewel on my left hand, back where it should be. He sauntered over, the drink showing in his movements, half grin on his face, glass in hand. He lowered himself onto the seat beside me as my face turned to look at him, a smile touching my lips.

'I had a fabulous evening, you made me feel very special, sweetie ... Thank you ...'

'Don't mention it. When I came through that door and saw ya there, like that,' his eyes flicked over me, 'well, I knew I couldn't live without ya ... Ma gave me that back when we got to her's.'

Holding my fingers gently over his hand, he indicated the ring.

'I was gonna ask ya, again, when the time was right ... Seems it was the moment I laid eyes on ya out there.'

The most beautiful smile covered his face, those eyes of his sparkling in the light from the table lamp behind us.

In two gulps my glass was empty, he followed suit.

'I think it's time for bed ... What ya reckon?' he grinned.

He stood and held his hand out, I took it and rose. My arm snaked around his waist as his came to rest around my shoulders, our evening over.

The bedside lights were on as we reached our room, a soft glow against the large flowers on the wallpaper above the headboard.

He sat on the end of the bed, to pull his boots and socks off, throwing them to one side. Unbuttoning his black silk shirt, it was thrown at the chair across from him. It missed, becoming a heap on the carpet.

I walked over, picked it up and laid it over the back. As I turned, his trousers followed suit, I caught them and put them next to his shirt. His naked form slipped between the sheets and his right hand patted the space beside him.

'Ya joining me?' He'd pulled all the pillows into a wedge behind his head and slumped back as he spoke.

'In a mo ... I gotta sort something out first ... I came on today, and I'm not best pleased about the timing.' My sad face tried to smile as I walked to the bathroom.

'Never mind, honey, I still love ya,' was called through the door as I started to clean my teeth.

I pulled on my vest top and boxers, usually worn at that time of the month, and sorted myself out. Max knew the score, we'd been together long enough for him to know the pattern. I only said it once and he understood when I said, 'Be nice to me, and I'll love ya forever, but piss me off, and I'll hunt ya down and kill ya ...'

I switched off the light and walked back to the bedroom to find Mr Party Pants out like a light. I slipped in next to him, as gently as I could, so as not to wake him, and switched out both lights. My hand slid across his belly as he pulled me to him, my head coming to rest on his shoulder.

'Night, baby ... I love ya,' he said, sleepily, squeezing me to him.

I stretched up in the darkness, kissed his hairy chin and whispered, 'Night ... Love you too ... Only more ...'

I heard a chuckle, deep in his throat, and then all was quiet.

Useless Talent: 153

When I opened my eyes again and looked at my mobile phone, the time read 7:05 a.m. Max was still comatose, turned away from me, hanging off the edge of the bed. I gently climbed from the sheets and padded to the French Doors. Peeping through the floor length curtains, I could see it was another fabulous morning. The sun was hitting the blue water of the pool and calling me to its inner depths. As quietly as I could, I grabbed the towel from the bathroom, walked back, and opened the door to gain access to the quiet warmth beyond. I looked around, quickly, not a soul about. It just had to be done.

I chucked the towel onto the table, slipped off my vest top and dropped my boxer shorts. Without another thought, I tucked my tampon string up into myself, turned and dived, silently, into the blue water. Coming up in the middle of the pool, I trod it as the sunlight dazzled my eyes. Cold water touched every part of my body, my nakedness leaving me feeling free and alive.

Floating on my back, I closed my eyes and listened to the sounds of birds. A car sped by, the engine trailing off into the countryside beyond. Horses stood grazing as I swam length after length, the water skipping over my body. I watched as they nodded their way to the fence. Seeing some naked chick in the pool must have been a new experience for them, they stood, three of them, watching me in my daydream.

Looking over the meadow, I was lost in the distant mountains, their blue shaded side not felt by the sun, as yet. I always thought it was a fabulous vista and promised myself I would paint it, one day, should Stevie and Chels ever tie the knot. I was way over there, parting the grass, waist high, as I walked through the field. The breeze was whispering the sweetest sigh in the warm air, when I heard a voice to my left.

'Well, well, what do we have here? ... A Mermaid, this far inland? ... Man, that's as rare as three tits on a chick ... Wish I had my damn camera at hand for this one ...'

My head span round as I was suddenly made aware of my nakedness. My secret swim was over. It'd scared me half to death and, more disturbing than that, I didn't recognise the voice. My head craned over my shoulder, trying to locate its owner.

'Over here, sweet cheeks,' the voice laughed.

I looked at the fence, as a head bobbed over the top. He was standing on a bloody chair to get a better view.

'Jesus ... Who the fuck are you?' I barked.

My voice was a little scared, but the tone was mostly pissed-off. I couldn't move, and I wasn't about to give him a view that he would revel in. Who the hell was he anyway?

'The name's Chris ... I'm here to set up the bar ... Is the Boss Man about?'

His grin spread as he realised naked girl couldn't actually go anywhere. I was welded to the side of the pool, my bottom bobbing in the water.

'... What the fuck is going on out here? Who the fuck ...?'

Max's loud voice came from behind me. He was stood at the French Doors, hands on hips, bathrobe round him. He saw Chris and then me, naked in the pool. His face held an angry scowl.

'Hi ya!' Chris was leant with arms crossed on the top of the fence panel smiling over at us. 'I need someone to tell me where the bar's gonna go, but Mermaid Girl, there, ain't able to help much, as ya can see.'

He laughed the last four words at Max. Big mistake.

Max's eyes fell onto me, again, as he calmly spoke.

'What the fuck do ya think ya doing? Ya butt naked, sweet Jesus Christ ... AND, YOU!'

He'd turned on Chris as his voice exploded into a shout.

'FUCK-OFF... NOW ... The bar's going round the other side of the fucking house, in the big white thing we call a marquee ... And take ya fucking eyes off my wife, before I come over there an dig the fuckers out with my God damn thumbs ...'

In that second, it dawned on Chris who it was he was talking to.

'Shit ... Sorry Sir ... Mam ... Please forgive me for the intrusion ... I'll get right on it, Sir ... Sorry again ...' And with that, his head disappeared, and all was quiet again.

Checking he was gone, I swam back to the other side, looking up at Max.

'I only wanted to swim awhile ... I didn't realise people were about ... I wouldn't have done it if I'd know he was going to pop up like that ...'

He walked over to the edge of the pool and stood with his feet by me, the scowl still etched on his face. It slowly turned into a grin, the robe was released, dropped to the floor, and he dived in, naked, to join me.

Coming to rest behind me, I heard, 'That got his ass into gear, didn't it? Don't think we'll be spied on again for a while ... I think everyone's still in bed.' His voice was soft and sexy.

I could feel his warm body up against my cold back. His arms snaked over my shoulders so he could stretch them out in the warm sunlight. He started kissing a line up into my hair which was piled in a wet tangle on my head, it made me giggle, the sensation as erotic as the water touching my naked body.

Hanging there, my fingers just hooked over the pool's edge, I thought to myself, 'You called me wife ... You actually called me wife ...'

I hoped he'd missed that one, that Chris guy. Jesus, we could do without that hitting the Press. I was trying to keep a low profile so that was the last thing I needed.

'HEY ... HOPE YA AIN'T DOING WHAT I THINK YA MIGHT BE DOING?' Stevie's voice boomed. It came from the spot Chris had just occupied. 'YA DIRTY BAST'DS ... EITHER PUT SOME DAMN CLOTHES ON ... OR GET THE FUCK OUTTA MY POOL ... NOW ...'

He was laughing as it was shouted at us.

I imagined a horde of people all turning their heads toward him as his words carried on the breeze, the silence, deafening. It's what I call a tumbleweed moment. You know the one? Empty, windswept, old western town, tumbleweed down the main street?

Max laughed as he swam to the steps that were nearest to Stevie and exited the water. His gorgeous butt and body glowed with flashing droplets as he stood in the daylight, shaking the excess from his curls. He walked over, took the towel from the table, and wrapped it around his waist.

All the time he did this, we could hear Stevie howling with laughter on the other side of the fence. Very calmly, Max walked over with my towel and held it up for me to walk into, trying to be as modest as possible. I tucked the end corner over at the top as Max put his index finger to his lips.

'Shush ...'

I watched him pad over to the table and grabbed a chair from the set. Placing it below where he'd last seen Stevie's head, he hurried back across the patio, grabbed the hose, and turned the tap on so it sprayed freezing cold water into a jet. He turned to me and smiled. I so knew what was coming.

Stevie was still laughing his head off, leant against the fence, when Max appeared and doused him with ice cold water. He held his thumb over the opening, sending out a fan that engulfed Stevie. Even I could hear his swearing from where I was stood by the pool.

Max was in tears, laughing, as Stevie legged it away towards the back of the house. In that instant it dawned on Max that Stevie was a coming. Still laughing, he leapt from his elevated stop, with an 'Oh shit ...', and ran towards the doors to shut them.

I'd gotten to the table as Max flew by, side stepping me to get there before Stevie. As he turned to close them, Stevie flew through the open door and caught Max, a beauty, around his waist. Laughing like mad men, the pair of them sailed backwards, landing in the pool with a crash of white water. There was silence for a moment. I walked over and looked into the deep. The nutters were wrestling and I could see them as boys, fighting in the bath.

They crashed up through the surface just as it had settled, water spraying from their mouths. Max had lost his towel. It lay discarded at the bottom of the pool. Laughing and punching each other in the top of the arm, Max kept repeating, 'Ya won't ...' as Stevie replied, 'I damn well will ...'

The pair of them flopped into a seat at the table, dripping wet, Max naked with his shades on, Stevie still cussing under his breath.

I stood in silence looking at the two most important men in my life, my lover and my best friend, those crazy, big kid brothers, those maddening jesters, those purveyors of lunacy. What were they? Rock Stars, multi-millionaires, business men? Mummy's boys, more like. They might have looked like grown up's on the outside, but, put all those two's toys together and you'd give a high ranking toy store a run for their money. They had it all. They loved their work and, most of all, they were still together, still brothers. They had a bond no one could break, the bond of blood.

I'd seen them together a lot like that, and they'd often have silly fight moments. Chels and I usually left the room, and them to it. We'd give them about ten minutes and then go back in. The room would be back to how it'd started, and they'd be reading books and talking, or watching the ice hockey whilst bitching and cussing at some poor player.

They were still bantering as I came back to earth, my eyes having been caught by the light on the water, I was miles away.

'Yeah, Bro ... For the last fucking time, it kicks-off at 4 p.m. ... Ain't ya been listening to anything I said?' Stevie was stood at the doors. He was heading in to have a shower.

We had about six and a half hours before the gates opened to their guests. Stevie had a million things to do, a dozen calls to make, and some other random stuff he was muttering about as he squelched off, back into the house.

Max still sat in his seat, still naked. His head moved as he looked over his shades, blue eyes against a tanned face.

'Ya okay, honey?' He moved towards me and wrapped his arms round my torso. 'Ya look real tired ... Ya feeling okay ...?'

My head dropped against his chest. 'I'm on, what can I say? Same old shit, just a different month ... I think I'm gonna crash for a bit ... I got cramps starting ...'

My voice was low, the energy swept out of me, I just wanted to sleep. Max walked me in, put me under the sheets, and then knelt down next to me, holding my hand.

'I'll wake ya in a few hours ... Give ya time to get ready ... It sure is gonna be one hell of a night ... So, get some rest while ya can ... We're gonna have a wonderful time, and I'm gonna be so proud to have ya there with me.' Leaning forward, he kissed the tip of my nose. 'I'll see ya in a bit .. I love ya ...'

He moved from the floor and walked off to collect his bathrobe. By the time he came back, I was fast asleep.

Paintings and Party Poppers

'Honey,' the backs of Max's fingers brushed against my cheek, 'it's 1:30 ... There's hot coffee on the side and a kiss from me ... Wake up, sleepy girl ...'

As my eyes slowly opened, they came to rest on Max's lovely mouth. I smiled, 'Hey you, coffee and a kiss, you say? Mmm ... Kiss first, then ... Please ...'

They were turned up at the corners as his lips came into contact with mine, his eyes closing with the motion. I could smell his familiar warmth and then the caffeine.

'... Mmm, coffee ...' I purred, my voice husky as I tried to keep my eyes open.

I sat up, so Max wedged pillows behind me and then passed me my mug. He sat on the edge of the bed, playing with the fingers on my left hand, turning my engagement ring and watching the prisms in the light of the open doors.

We quietly chatted about what he'd been doing, they'd set up all the tables and chairs in the marquee. He'd helped Stevie organise parking for the mobile city that would be arriving, seems they were consigned to the back paddock. Cars would be nearer to the house, of course, seeing as most would be going. They'd done all the fire hazard checks and tried out the bar, several times. He'd made sure, when he saw Chris, he'd growled in his direction.

He'd, also, heard the story of the pool incident about ten times, every one different. They ranged from me running away screaming, to me flashing my tits. Glad Max found it funny, as he laughed his way through his tale, it was me who had to face those people in about three hours. It was also me who had all the looks and all the whispers to relish, yippee.

By 3:30 I was alive and ready to go. I'd showered, make-up and hair were done, and I wore a gorgeous ivory and midnight blue Gypsy Creation, another from House of Rachael. I loved the sweet handkerchief hemline, layered lace, tight bodice, little jacket and my favourite Jimmy Choo sandals. I checked myself in the mirror as I headed for the door.

'Jeez, girl, you're looking hot tonight ...'

I licked my finger and made a sizzle sound against my hip. I felt a million bucks as I walked from that room.

Everybody had congregated in the games room and was waiting for me to get there. Chelsea was so patient anticipating the moment she could rip open her last present from me. All their smiling faces turned as I entered the room. Max walked over to encase me in an arm as I told Chels to open her gift.

Max smiled down at me. 'Ya look amazing ... That colour really suits ya ...'

I returned the compliment. 'Why, you don't look so bad yourself, Mister Manley ... I'm liking the black Armani ... Very you, darling ...'

The paper lay on the floor along with the bow as she stood before the painting. I waited for her to say something, as a cold wash of dread started to seep up my legs. It felt like years ticking by.

'Say something then ... Do you hate it?' I asked, as Max squeezed me to him.

His face mirrored Stevie's and Beth's, and still the silence.

I pulled away from Max and moved to stand next to her. 'Chels ...?'

As her face slowly turned towards me I saw the reason for her lack of words. The tear that sat on the rim of her eye bubbled over and skipped a path down her cheek. The smile spread as her arms came up to engulf me.

'I love it ... Thank you ... I get all his late nights in that damn studio, now I know which one he meant.' She smiled over at Stevie as she pulled away from me. 'I know technically you're not, honey, but you're still a damn liar,' she said softly, a beautiful smile putting light into her teary eyes.

I spent the next three hours welded to Max's side. His hand was at my waist as he chatted to a hundred plus people introducing me as his fiancé. I had a thousand camera flashes go off in my face, he lapped it up and I smiled a lot. When my cheeks started to freeze in that position, I had to get away. My get out clause, needing the Ladies, and it worked perfectly with what Max was privy to.

I bumped into Stevie, twice, and Chelsea, half a dozen times. Dan and Jake were in the marquee, stoned out of their tiny minds, working the room. Beth was in the throng of it, she'd known a lot of those people for a long time, and had some serious catching up to do. I bumped into her a few times. She'd introduced me to another group of people. I'd smiled, did a lot of head nodding, and then eventually moved on.

At about 8 p.m. I was stood talking with Craig and a few other people, about life, death and the world in general. Craig and I had finally touched base with each other. He'd found an office in Edmonton, and would be moving over after Christmas.

The microphone was tapped into life and a quick sound check was done. The lights came up and all faces turned to the stage. I saw Max moving through the crowd with Stevie at his elbow, their heads were together, sorting out final details. Nodding, they disappeared behind the stage, so I moved closer to the front. Now was their time.

I felt a hand in mine. Turning, I saw Chelsea was at my side. 'What the hell are they up to now?' she whispered.

'I have no idea ... But I think we're about to find out,' I replied with a grin.

I looked at her lovely face, her eyes squinting slightly, as the possibilities ran through her head. We stood and watched as Stevie walked out into the spotlight at the front.

'Hello, there ...' The same was shouted back at him. '... How y'all doing ... Y'all having a good time?'

The answer from the crowd was enough to make me wince from the noise surrounding me.

'... Well, that's good, cuz ya all know why we're here today, don't ya? ... Yeah, it's my lovely Chelsea's Birthday,' he grinned down at her.

Everybody cheered again, as hundreds of people raised their glasses in our direction, a sea of smiling faces.

'Well, happy birthday, baby ... Even though it was, in fact, yesterday .... Anyway, I have a little gift up here for ya ... So, can ya come on up, please ...?'

Chelsea looked at me and pulled a face. I pulled one back as she made her way to the side steps. With the help of a guest and Stevie, she climbed onto the stage and was escorted to the front. A high stool was brought out and Stevie asked her to sit, which she did, as the crowd started to calm down again.

While this was going on, Max walked onto the back of the stage carrying two electric acoustic guitars. The throng erupted into cheers and clapping, as two more high stools were brought out and placed near Chelsea, facing the audience.

The lights came down as Max took his seat, his acoustic on his knee, looking for me in the crowd. I moved forward to be in the middle, at the front. People parted as they saw our gaze meet. For me, it was as if no other person were there. It could have been just him and me, alone, together.

Stevie approached the microphone as the stage crew plugged both their cables in. He looked over at Chelsea as he spoke.

'There ain't much in this world that I'm any good at, but, I know I do two things real good ... One's playing bass ... And the other's loving you, sugar ...'

The throng erupted again. Chelsea was beaming and clapping her hands quickly with excitement. Max's eyes were fixed on me as I watched and listened to Stevie's words.

'My bro and I have written a little song for ya birthday, and it goes a little like this ...'

He moved back to his seat and they arranged the microphones around them. Leaning into his, he continued.

'... I love ya, with all my heart, Chelsea, Amelia, Denver ... And I hope I don't mess this up ... It's called, You Make Me See ...'

The two guitars were in perfect harmony as the intro carried over the listeners, their faces turned up to the stage, smiling and nodding. Max sang lyrics of cold and lonely nights and how it was our love that kept him warm. His voice held the sweetest notes, lamenting how the sensation made him feel alive and whole. Its chorus, a duet with Stevie, explained that without it, he'd be blind to so much, it helped him see all the good things he could be.

I felt a hand at my waist and turned to find Beth beside me. She smiled and went back to watching her boys. A face full of pride lit the space before her, tears sat in the rims of her eyes, as Max's smile became a carbon-copy across her lips.

Hugging her to me, I leant my head against her's as we listened to the lovely words and sweet music. Max's eyes didn't leave my face and, as I looked up at him, his smile spread. So infectious was it, I blushed and followed suit.

There was a beautiful moment of stillness when it ended. The two brothers looked at each other, with mirrored faces and hands to each other's backs. The sea of guests exploded with noise, people bounced up and down, and Chelsea threw herself into Stevie's arms, tears on her cheeks.

It was amazing. I was clapping so hard my palms stung. Beth was stood beside me, 'whooping' and shaking her fists in the air above her head. Every single person was making a noise of some sort. They were going mad for it.

Max waved out to the crowd, placed his guitar on its stand, and headed for the side steps. My gaze followed him as he walked over and pulled me to his side.

With his hand at my waist, his mouth dropped to my ear, as over the crowd he said, 'Keep watching ... It ain't over yet ...'

He kissed me gently on the temple then his face turned to his Ma, he kissed her forehead, and then turned back to the stage.

Stevie and Chelsea were still hugging and chatting as he walked her to the front and spoke.

'Okay, thank you, thank you ... We hope y'all liked it ... Looks like my girl here did ...'

Chelsea wiped her tears away and had gone all shy, her face curled into his shoulder as her cheeks burnt red.

He cleared his throat and continued. 'We been together a long time now, Chels an me ... As ya know, Tee and Max are looking at getting hitched at some point soon ...'

Chelsea smiled down at us, Stevie, too, as the crowd threw up a cheer in our direction.

'So, I been thinking,' he turned towards her, dropped to one knee, and looked up at her. 'Honey,' he pulled a diamond ring from his trouser pocket and held it up, 'ya'd make me the happiest man, in the world, ever ... If ya'd agree to marry me ...'

It was so quiet we heard a Champagne cork pop in the marquee behind us. Heads turned to look, then turned back to the stage. Everyone held their breath. It was the point of no return wasn't it? Would she or wouldn't she?

She stood, looking down at him, and brushed a tear from her cheek. Talk about in the spotlight, well and truly. The silence seemed to last for an eternity.

'Steven, Aaron, Manley, ya damn crazy fool ... Of course I'll marry ya, ya stupid ass.'

Oh, my, God, the place went wild. Beth and I were hugging Max, and hugging each other, I was bouncing up and down, and clapping and screaming. Max made for the steps, dragging me along. I was pushed up them, him helping. I ran over and flung my arms around the pair of them, kissing their faces, one at a time.

Max was behind me, slapping his big brother's back, and kissing his soon to be sister-in-law. The brothers shook hands and hugged while laughing with tears on their faces. I stood and watched with Chelsea at my side, it was lovely to witness their wonderful show of affection. Eventually Stevie stepped towards the microphone and spoke once again.

'Well, ya'd think that was as good as it gets, wouldn't ya ... But ... The next part of the evening, I hope, will be just as exciting as the last.' He hugged Chels into him as he spoke. 'God I love ya, woman ... I love ya so much, in fact, I think I achieved the near God damn impossible ... Tonight, darlin, ladies and gentledudes ... I am proud to introduce ... On a break in their tour, and for one night only ... The wonderful, the hard-core ... The most excellent ... TOXIC TRAMPS ...'

The noise that erupted from the crowd, as he shouted those words, was bad enough, but it didn't compare to Chelsea's expression. It was amazing to see her face as she watched her favourite girl band, ever, appear on the stage, right before her very eyes. They each ran over to kiss her, and then went to their instruments. We hadn't even noticed the guitars and drum kit under the black sheet at the back.

The girls were ready in seconds, and Stevie winked at me as he joined us to watch from the wings. I smiled to myself as I finally understood all his secrecy. So, he did manage to pull it off then, the jammy sod. See, it is who you know and not what you know. No wonder Chels loves him so much. Toxic Tramps, the lucky cow.

They did a set of Chelsea's favourite five, then joined the party for a while. They rocked. Chels was beside herself as she flipped out on the stage. No wing for her. She did her thang right up front. In the end she boogied over, to grab my wrist, then dragged me out with her. We peed ourselves laughing, silly buggers, and I was nearly as euphoric as poor Chels. We didn't stop till that last bar rang out, and that was the last I saw of her till later. She was lost in hero worship. Her dream had come true after all.

She and Max stood talking to the Goth chick guitarist, Bunny, in her tight black jeans and tight black top. Jeez, she was packing some serious chest. The pretty English lead vocalist and guitarist, with the high cheekbones, Doc, seemed to be the comedian in the band. She shot Jacks and skinned up on the front of the stage. Her waist-length, dark hair hung in two long braids and, along with her cool cowboy hat and tinted shades, she looked pretty cool.

I heard them all laughing with their red-headed bassist, Rainey Olson, and Stevie. The drummer, Speedy, was a mad, dark haired, leggy chick. Cute, busty and funny, she was in the marquee getting wasted with Jake and Dan. All in all, they were a pretty nice bunch, and we sort of gelled, as soon as they heard my accent but, sadly, it was the only thing we all had in common.

Suddenly, I found myself in a huge group of people, but I was struck by how alone I felt. It almost overwhelmed me. All of them had one thing in common, which left me the odd man out. Even Chelsea could play the piano and sing. That's how she and Stevie had met. She was hired to play on a track of theirs, love at first sight, Max had said.

I had to get away for a bit, get a breath, and get a drink. Nobody saw me leave as it happens. I was invisible moving through the chatting faces. I headed for the house, the games room being a safe haven. I could have a spliff in peace, drink Champagne, chill out.

Stevie had posted security indoors, it stopped people wandering around the place and getting nosey. Certain areas were roped off and only certain people could get through to certain rooms. I knew the games room was one of these. Because of who I was, I had the rope unhooked for me, and the door opened and closed behind me. I like service like that. The quiet of the room was amazing after all that mayhem and noise. I'd found a retreat, all of my own.

Flicking The Switch

I sat with a glass of bubbly, a big spliff, and a huge smile on my face, as I listened to Ea$y's track, Chance, the thumping volume turned up just enough. I stared at the portrait of Stevie as I drifted in my head. I'd propped it against the back of the couch. The time and love spent on it.

Chelsea's reaction had surprised me, I must admit. I didn't think it would have brought a tear to her eye. Thank God they'd been of joy and not sadness. Wouldn't that have been a bummer? I marvelled at how he so looked like Max in certain ways. Lost to their lyrics, Max slipped back into my head, and a smile lifted the corners of my mouth, as he invaded my grey matter once more.

The door opened and a face appeared, it was Chris from earlier. 'Sorry to disturb ya, but is Mr Manley here?'

'Which one?' I asked, my voice flat. He'd invaded my privacy, again.

'I know that voice ... Well, if it ain't Mermaid Girl ... Sorry, didn't recognise ya with ya clothes on. How ya doing?' He walked to the bar, smiling, as the door closed behind him.

I remembered that being said, a lifetime ago, only, back then, it had an Irish accent to it and not a Canadian one.

'Ha, fucking, ha,' I bitched back, 'you'd give Tommy Cooper a run for his money, not.'

The look on his face changed as he asked, 'Tommy Cooper? Who the hell is he?'

I was amazed. 'What? You don't know who Tommy Cooper is! My, God, you haven't lived, or laughed, if you haven't seen Tommy Cooper ... Go away and get a comedy education, kid, you clearly need one ...'

'Actually, I was hoping I'd see ya.' He paused, his face turning serious. 'I wanted to apologise for this morning ... I had no right to speak to ya that way ... I'm sorry I offended ya ...'

'I'm a big girl, I'll get over it ... If I let shit like that get to me I'd be a bit of a wanker, wouldn't I?' I grinned, repositioning myself on my high stool.

I was too pissed and stoned to care. The weed had done its job beautifully, my bum was already tingling. I smiled at him.

'Want some ... It's very good shit?' I held the joint towards him. 'I won't tell anybody ... Assuming you're a pothead, of course ...'

His eyes lit up, he checked the door, and took it from my fingers. Laughing to himself, he took a long pull. 'I don't mind if I do ... Thank you ...'

We talked, me drinking bubbly, him, water. He found my accent charming, tried to copy it but sounded South African and Australian. I skinned up again and we admired Chelsea's song, what a gift. I talked about England, my work, he'd read some of my articles, and knew some of the book covers I'd designed. He was what he called an aspiring actor meaning, his details were with every agency he could find, but he ran a mobile bar for a living, which he didn't mind. He got to meet some real characters, and a few people in the business.

As he quite rightly said, 'It's getting myself out there ... The more people in the business that know my face, the better ...'

I wished him well with his venture and asked for seats at his first film premier. He liked that idea and promised they'd be near the front. Still single at twenty-seven he was enjoying being a bachelor. He liked that he could come and go as he pleased. In some ways he seemed quite childish, in others, he had his head tightly screwed on. He liked beach parties, surfing, his VW camper and his dog, Jack, named after his favourite spirit. We toasted that, him with his water, me with my flute.

Putting his hand in his back pocket, and pulling out a wrap, he turned and asked, 'Do ya mind if I chop a little line or two?' He checked the door again then looked back at me, silly grin on his face.

'Yeah, go for it ...' I was smoking a spliff. '... Knock yaself out ...'

I watched him as he worked, credit card manoeuvring the dust into two short, skinny strips, chopped and re-chopped. With a rolled up bill in his fingers, he consumed a line, gone in a second. He sniffed, hard, head backwards as he slowly exhaled, quietly laughing.

'Better?' I asked, refilling my glass.

'Fucking amazing, Man ... Ya want some?' he smiled, as his eyes took on a whole new concept of the world.

'Fuck, yeah ... Why the hell not ... It's a par-tay night, right, so, let's par-tay, okay,' I chuckled, hamming up his Canadian accent.

I moved towards him and took the bill. Leaning forward, I inhaled through my nostril, finger over the other. My actions, after the event, almost mimicked his. I stood while it washed over my body, nodding my head in slow movements. I smiled at him, eyes closing, tube still in my hand, resting on the bar. My, it certainly made all my nerve endings tingle, that's for sure. I prayed I wouldn't whitey on the spot.

The door opening and Max appearing was entirely in dream-motion. My eyes came to rest on a very pissed-off face, eyebrows low and no smile in sight.

Turning on Chris he spat, 'You ... Get the fuck outta here ... NOW ...' The last word was a bellow into his face.

Chris was gone, no smile and, definitely, not a goodbye or a see ya later. Max then turned on me, his face a collision of confusion and borderline unbelieving smile.

'What the fuck do ya think ya doing ... I can't believe this of you ... Of all the damn people? Sweet Jesus, look at the state of ya ... What the fuck were ya thinking?'

I looked at the bill, still in my hand, and slowly smiled. 'Arh, come on, sweetie ... It's a par-tay night ... We got some dancing to do yet ... Don't get all shitty with me because I'm having some fun for a change ...'

I was standing, a bit of a sway happening, maybe, but nothing drastic. I was just about ready to go and rave with Deejay Kryptic. I could hear the bass and drum thumping, my body automatically moving to the beat as I spoke. I went to step passed him to the door, but he caught me by the arm.

'Ya ain't going out there, not like that ... And not right now ...'

He touched a nerve with his actions, look and controlling tone.

'What? You're not telling me what the fuck I can and can't do, are you?'

My reply sobered me up a little. At that moment, his demands lit a fuse that had about three minutes, and counting, till detonation.

'Don't you dare, Max, don't you fucking dare ... You're heading for a whole heap of shit, face first ... I don't dictate to you how you should live your life, please, don't fucking dictate to me about mine ...'

I snatched my arm away and walked to the door, turning I continued. 'What's wrong? Are ya pissed because I got a piece of the action and you weren't invited?'

My face had taken on the exact same look I got from him. It was the one he wore when he came home in the same state as I was in then.

'Get the fuck outta my sight ... NOW,' he screamed.

'What-ev-ver,' I bitched in a crap Canadian accent, the word dragged a little, giving it a cocky edge.

The music became louder as I made my exit and slammed the door behind me. I stormed to our room, livid with him. Anger seethed as I threw Jimmy Choos at the wall. I shouted and bitched as I swapped party dress for jeans and hoodie. Socks and trainers were retrieved from the wardrobe with a torrent of curses. Hair was swept up into a twist at the back of my head, and my cowboy hat was grabbed from the chair. When I turned, Max was in the doorway, coming straight at me.

'Ya ain't going back out there ... Not now ...'

His hands caught my arms as he marched me backwards. Coming to rest against the wall behind, his hard blue eyes looked down at me.

'I'll let ya do a lot of things, punch me in the nuts, trash my house, crash my car, even break my heart ... But there's one thing I can't let ya do, and that's go out there, right now ...'

His voice was pretty calm considering.

'Tee, honey ... Mickey Markwell and Anna-Lee are here ... They were invited with Tony Shaw ... Mickey and Tony are part of our new Production Team ...'

I wasn't listening. I was going kinda psycho, trying to peel his fingers off me. I tried biting him, but he spun me round so I faced away from him. I wanted to rip her ugly face off. My anger was suddenly transfixed on her. Max was the least of my problems.

'Please, honey, calm down ... They ain't staying long ... They just needed to show their faces, that's all.'

He was holding a firecracker in his arms and it was on the verge of exploding.

'GET THE FUCK OFF ME,' I screeched, imagining my voice was heard by dogs a mile away.

He had my wrists tight to my sides, my arms crossed over the front of me. I was kicking and screaming but he never let up on his hold, he couldn't risk me getting away from him.

'Sir? ... Is everything okay?... I heard screaming ...' A tall security guard stood at the open door, concerned look on his face, his hand to his earpiece.

'Thank fuck for that ... Do me a favour, Rich?' Max said over his shoulder, '... Go get Stevie for me, please, I think I need his help ...'

And with that, the security guy was gone.

I slowly calmed down, the struggle and energy leeching from me as Max's grip held me to him. He was still crooning words of sympathy into my ear. I could feel his hot breath against my neck.

'Come on, hon, breath ... I know, she's a slimy motherfucker ... We all hate her and, yeah, we all wish she'd just fuck right off ...'

'Max? ... Tee? ... You guys okay? ... What the fuck ...?' Stevie's voice came through the door.

He stopped when he saw us in our unromantic position. I kicked off my struggle again at hearing Stevie's words. My eyes were spitting fire and I had one vicious look on my face. With my lips curled back over my teeth, I was seething out a string of insults.

Stevie looked at Max, concerned for what was happening before him.

'Don't look at me, bro ... I found her in the games room, doin caine, the crazy bitch ...' Max's struggle continued, his voice wavering as I fought for my freedom.

The hand to my cheek was Stevie's. 'Tee-bird ... Ya in there, sugar?'

My eyes flicked to his face, he had a pained look in his eyes.

'Ya gotta come down now, honey ... Ma's real worried about ya ... People are wondering were ya are, and I can't par-tay without ya ...'

I hung in Max's arms with my face turned towards Stevie. In a cold voice I asked, 'That piece of shit ... Is it still here ...?'

'Nah, she's gone ... She can't touch ya now ... Come on, this ain't like you ...' He kissed my forehead while Max held me. 'Ya ain't one to be carrying on like this ... I want ya to come back out there.' His head nodded towards the door. 'We ain't finished the Jack yet, and you're a ways behind me now, girl.' He shook his head as he looked at me. 'Coke ... Ya damn crazy woman.' His lips attempted a grin but, sadly, it wasn't reflected in his eyes.

I could feel the calm taking me back into my body. Max's arms still around me, my outbursts lessoned and his grip relaxed a little. Silence in the room, the only sound, my heavy breathing and my heartbeat pounding in my ears. I was still staring at Stevie, trying to smile, sniffing back tears of frustration. The dizziness passed as my vision bled back into my eyes, small spots of light turned in my sight, tiny fireflies twisting and jumping.

'I'm sorry, I was having such a great time ... Max, you can put me down now ... I'm okay, really.'

My voice was calm, all efforts ceased to be, the only sound heard.

As Max let go, I stepped away from him, turned, and cracked him a slap, hard, across his face.

'If you EVER manhandle me like that again, I swear to God, I'll break every one of your bloody fingers ...'

My face held no emotion as my cold eyes focused on Max and the stunned look on his face. His twisted into a vicious scowl, as he put a hand to his cheek, his hard blue eyes covered by his brows. He turned and stormed from the room, not another word from his mouth.

Stevie looked amazed. 'Jesus Christ, Tee, I know ya pissed but, shit, that was harsh ...' His face came back to me, frowning, his eyes on mine.

'Fuck him ... I'm sick of him fucking up and me always forgiving and forgetting. Let's see if he forgives me as quickly as I forgave him, aye?' My eyes were on the door as I spoke. 'Fuck this, I'm ready to par-tay ... What you say, Stevie, reckon we can finish that Jack or what ...?'

He seemed surprised at my words. Guess he thought I was going to be a bit more worried about the whole thing. I didn't want to think about Max and Bitch Face, I just wanted to get shitfaced.

Stevie shook his head, slowly, from side to side. 'Woman, ya one hard-core honey ... Max is one mad fuck ... Ya well suited ...' He looked at me and snorted out a laugh. 'Come on, kid, let's show these assholes how it's really done ...'

His arm landed around my neck as we walked back to what was left of the guests. Small pockets of people hung around the marquee talking, drinking and smoking. Toxic Tramps had left. Chelsea and Beth were sat with a group at a table, they waved as we passed. Seems they hadn't heard about what had just happened. Jack was thrown down my throat, shot after shot, Stevie and Dan joining in.

They found it rather funny a girl could neck it like that, Dan was impressed, it was the first time he'd seen me on a bender. The more I drank, the more I forgot. Chris hovered in the background, keeping away from me, Max had warned him off.

As Jake joined us, I heard Stevie quietly ask, 'Ya ain't seen Max on ya travels, have ya?'

'Urh, last time I saw him, he was out by the stage ... I kept away when I saw his face ... Whose hand print was that, Anna-Lee's?' he laughed.

'Jesus, Jake, keep it down ... The hand print's hers.' Stevie's head nodded towards me.

'Shit the bed, man,' Jakes voice laughed aloud, 'glad I weren't on the receiving end of that one ... Looks like it'll be there for a while ... Fiery little thing, ain't she ...?'

He smiled at Stevie then glanced over at me. He found it highly hilarious that Max had, finally, after all those years, found his perfect match.

Picking Up The Pieces

I roamed about with my glass and a bottle in my hands, staying away from strangers and anyone with a camera. I ambled to a chair, in the dark, and plonked myself down with my Jack. I was calm outside, but inside, I raged like a bull with spears in its spine. I wanted to punch her face in, and just kick off a huge fight-fest, throwing some fists about, but I had to be good. Shame, I hadn't felt that alive in years.

Max was still by the stage. I saw him walking round winding up cables and stacking them on a flight case. His features were set and he didn't speak as people moved around him. They knew the score when his face had that expression, and with that slap mark, no one was going to approach him, not if they liked living anyway.

I took my bottle and, with a deep sigh, hauled my arse over to where he was. Leaning, quietly, against the stage, I was there when he came back around the corner. The look on his face wasn't good, and he didn't speak, he just wound cables up, his eyes on mine.

'I'm so sorry, Max ... I was so out of line ... I didn't mean to hurt you ... Really ... I ...'

I fiddled with my engagement ring as my words fell from my mouth. I couldn't look into his face, the mark, a stark reminder of the events in the house.

'Ya need ya to get the fuck away from me, just about now ... I came over here to be away from ya, so, please, don't ya go invading my space ... I ain't in the mood for this shit, Tee ... And you, in there, doing caine ...' He shook his head slowly with such a disappointed look on his face. 'Just fuck-off an leave me alone.' He turned away and disappeared to the rear of the stage, he didn't come back.

I wanted to shout, 'At least I didn't find an Ex to shag in some scummy hotel,' but then thought, maybe, under the circumstances, I should keep that one to myself.

Taking the Jack, I ambled away in the direction of the stables, passed the rear of the stage and out through the gate. Max watched me as I left. He was still coiling cables when I looked over my shoulder for the last time.

There were a few people milling about, their tour busses and Winnebagos parked in the paddock beyond. I could hear small parties happening all over the city they'd created. Laughter and singing came from the patches of light amongst the vehicles. I envied them their fun.

My party head suddenly gone, I walked down to the barn and rolled the main door open a little. The sweet smell of hay hit my senses as the flood lights threw a strip of yellow across the floor and up the back wall. I'd found solitude just when I needed it.

I sat on a bale, Jack by my feet, and toasted Chelsea's birthday. I couldn't get Max's disappointed look off my mind. I didn't know I had that much strength, amazing where you find power when you're pissed off.

'Looky what we got ourselves here, then ...' A male voice spoke from the doorway. 'Why, is that a pretty cowgirl and a bottle a Jack I see before me? Jeez, it really must be my lucky night.'

The low, deep voice sounded unfamiliar, unsafe and was uninvited.

I saw his body move into the light, tall, broad and strong. He stepped forward, catching the door, sliding it shut behind him. I could see it was bad before his actions, I felt it in my gut. I rose to step toward the side door into the old corral. His eyes were anticipating that decision, which was, sadly, my only option for escape. In the second my body turned in that direction, I knew it was fight or flight.

His hand caught at my belt as I threw myself at the stable door. His weight, against me, took my strength as I hit the wall. He was enjoying the act of catch, laughing at the thought of winning.

As my face came level with the window, I elbowed the glass panel through and screamed as I landed in a heap. The side of my face dragged down the bare wood, the burning sensation momentarily taking over the fight for survival. My vision was then filled by a face I'd seen earlier. Where did I know him from?

He dragged me to my feet, hand each side of my hoodie collar, the door and broken window to my back.

'... I think you and me is about to have a little shindig of our own,' he crooned into my face, his breath hot against my burning cheek.

I remember trying to fight him off, then being shaken, followed by the head-butt to the face. Still he held me by the collar, supporting me by ripping fabric. My legs might have buckled a little but, somehow, I was still conscious.

'Mmm, seems I got myself a little fighter, huh?' his whispered, his lips scraping against my bloody face.

I remembered him in that second. I'd seen him in the marquee earlier, talking to Joey. He was part of the Security.

He spun us both round, my back towards the open area of the barn, main doors to my left. One push and I was across the space, landing in a pile of hay, punch drunk and bleeding. He was taking off his jacket as he stepped towards me. I was edging for the dark. I could taste blood in my mouth, my lip split from the impact of my own teeth, my gums throbbed, my vision surreal.

He promised me we wouldn't be disturbed, nobody knew we were there. I could scream my head off, and no one would care. He'd heard about how I liked to flash it about, he wanted to see it too, only one to one, a private viewing. I could either give it up easy, or, entertain him with a fight. The choice, it seemed, was mine.

The concussion was seething through my brain. My sight and audio distortion made me feel sick. I saw him, but it was through water, his features, in waves, side to side, backwards and forwards. I was moving, dragged, head on the floor, legs elevated. Feeling seasick, I felt hands at my waist, looking for a zip, a buckle, a button.

I slapped and punched. 'FIGHT,' a voice screamed in my brain. 'FIGHT.' The hot blood in my mouth. 'FIGHT.' I bit at hands near my face. 'FIGHT.' My legs thrashed as I took slaps and dodged punches. 'FIGHT.' His hand at my throat and my laboured breath. 'FIGHT.' His weight on me. My nails sunk into soft flesh, what did I have to lose? Max's voice was in my head 'Whatever it takes.'

I vaguely remember the strange expression on his face, as it disappeared, backwards. There were loud noises in the dark, a huge kafuffle beside me, then Stevie's face suddenly appeared above me. I watched as his mouth moved, but I couldn't quite hear the words. To me, he was attempting to talk over the loud droning in my head.

He lifted me in his arms and carried me away, the building a blur around me. I had flashes of Max, Chris and Joey, but it didn't make sense in my brain so I simply blocked it out. I smiled at Beth and Chelsea, why did they look so sad? With my arms clutching around Stevie's shoulders, I cried for Max, over and over.

The more I shouted, the more desperate I became. I couldn't see him. Where was he, where was Max? We were in the house when I struggled free. I made for the back doors, running to find him. Only him, I wanted only him.

Stevie was held back by Beth's hand catching his elbow. 'Let her go, son ... She needs him right now.'

The seating area was empty, chairs gone, stage deserted. Noise drifted from the mobile city beyond the garden, the open space a reminder of a time before. All the things that weren't important in life had just been guillotined from my emotions, a hollow shell stood in my shoes. I digested the images that jumped into my vision, seeing them for what they were. The nightmare in a horror novel, seen through a cocaine haze, was played out inside my head, the victim with my face. The information, compiled into files, fed the data bank but were then temporarily deleted. All the shit in my life over the last year paled into insignificance. None of it mattered, and who really gave a fuck anyway?

I looked over to the side gate as a shape moved towards me through the gloom. I held my breath as I tried to focus. It was the most amazing sight of my sad life.

Max's long strides were captivating, the natural rhythm of his step, the way he carried himself. I'd only ever seen it once before, when they'd won their first CRB Award, the swagger, the head position. He'd moved in that way to the stage to collect his chunk of crystal. I think the expression is 'he commanded the room'.

He drew to a halt when he saw it was me on the patio, watching. He'd been rubbing his knuckles, his hands dropping to his sides as he drew closer. Blood covered the front of him There was a smudge across his face from his hand wiping at his nose.

My face burnt from the slaps and wood burn, and my whole body ached. I moved forward, my sore eyes on him, drinking him in. I could feel his, searching, questioning. The sad look brought tears to my eyes, the hurt, as etched on his face as it was on my mine.

Suddenly, all the things that had been wrong with us, they didn't mean anything anymore, not really. The mess over the baby didn't even register. So what? It's just a baby. Isn't life about getting it right, forgiving and loving? I saw everything in a different way, my love for him choking me. I could see how much Max loved me, too. It was there, written on his face, plain as day.

The connection was spontaneous, we moved as one. The space between us became history as I landed in his arms. All my strength left me as the wave of pain and survival surfaced and took my breath from me.

A howl rose, came from my core and ripped up my throat. Eyes screwed shut, teeth gritted and my torso in ruins, I caved to the images in my head. The face, the words, the smell, the fear, it all punched a gaping hole right through me.

Max caught me, arms wide open, tears on his cheeks. His face sank into chestnut hair, searching for the lost soul, the broken spirit, the little girl. Arms created a safe haven as my shaking form hit his chest, my hands to his back, ready to crumble. He'd dealt with it, the problem was gone, everything was cool, Joey saw to that. Nobody was going to do that to his woman, or any woman, and get away with it, and half a dozen other guys had agreed with him.

He looked as his hands as he held me, the scuff marks a sign of scrapping, knuckles red and tender. Crushing me to him, he enveloped me in his arms, safe, secure, familiar. He turned us to the house as I clung to him, my head against his shoulder. His arm dropped down to the back of my knees and I was lifted up, my arms tight round him, my face hidden in our combined hair.

Stevie, Chels and Beth met us in the kitchen and, as Max swept us passed to our room, they followed. Beth had a bowl of water, Chelsea carried the towels and Stevie moved ahead of us, clearing the way. I hadn't realised how bad it was, I couldn't feel anything, anymore, anyway.

He sat me on the bed, after some persuasion, but I was in no hurry to let him go. Beth stepped forward and I moved into her arms, she hugged me and attempted to clean my face. Max was stalking the room as Stevie and Chelsea stood by the door, Chels just about keeping it together. The bedside lights gave off a calming glow as Max tried to get me to lie down.

'Please, Max ... Please ... Don't leave me ...'

Clinging to his hand, my voice was a whisper, my tears brimming. I was breaking inside as I studied the damage I'd done to his lovely face earlier that night. How could he still be so caring after that?

Beth moved away with the red water, the blood was gone but the damage was obvious. How he hadn't broken my nose, I don't know, just lucky, I guess.

'I ain't going anywhere, Tee-bird ...' His lips brushed my eyebrow. 'I ain't gonna leave ya, don't ya be worrying about that ... If ya lay down just here, I'll tuck up tight behind ya, okay?'

He patted the bed next to me as his lovely face hovered in my vision, eyes the clearest blue, voice the softest.

'... Yeah ... Snuggle up ... I can do that ... Sounds great,' I replied as if half asleep already, my monotone voice having no emotion. I put my head on the pillow and lifted my legs as I closed my eyes.

I heard talking, Max saying he'd not leave me alone, Beth anxiously asking if I needed a Doctor, and Stevie wanting to mess up features with his bare fists. Chelsea's cool hand came to rest on my forehead.

I looked up into her lovely face to see tears sat in her eyes. 'It's okay, sugar,' she smiled, 'ya safe ... We got ya now ... Shush ... Try to sleep ...'

Her hand gently traced a line into my hair, as my eyes slowly closed, and I gave myself to the numbness and velveteen darkness.

She sees him as a shadow ... The form of a man ... But he's as noir as a midnight sky ... A black hole of a body is the making of the beast ... There it slinks ... On the edge of her vision ... Real but not real ... She hears its voice ... She smells its nearness ... And she is repulsed by its touch ... How is it that when she needs to move, she can't? She looks at her limbs, spread-eagle, heavy, no, nailed down, all the way up her arms, all the way up her legs ... And still it moves with purpose ... Its nearly there ... Nearly to the foot of the bed ... Nearly touching warm, naked flesh ...

Waking as the light threw a long strip through the window, the face and its nightmarish grin started to fade from my mind. Cold sweat, in droplets, sat on my skin, they trickled down my back as I sat bolt upright, my hair, soaked at the roots.

The pounding in my chest lessened as my breathing slowed in pace. My head fell forward. 'Jesus, he was just there, at the end of the bed ... Dragging me by the ankles ... Laughing at me ... Urh, I think I'm gonna throw, I can still smell him on me ...'

I climbed from the bed, still dressed, and hurried into the bathroom, Max watching me out of sight. I spewed in the toilet, finally releasing the retching reflex that I'd lost the battle against. The shower was run to hot water. I opened the enclosure door and walked in, the steam engulfing me in its heat. Standing with my hands clasped together and thumbs to my mouth, the water hit my face and ran down my body, soaking my outer skin of fabric, the fiery wetness attempting to hide my tears.

The pain crawled up my insides, needles in my skin. I ripped at my clothes and threw them beyond the doors. With my back to the wall, I slowly slid to the floor, hands to my face wiping away water. The wail, rising, being forced back, almost choked me on the vile taste behind it. It became a long hum, high, drawn out, one note, harsh and wavering.

Max filled my sight, crouching down with the doors open, water to his face and hair, his arms engulfing me as the whine and angry tears leeched from my body. Stripped to my knickers, head into Max's shoulder, the water sprayed from us as we held each other, the sadness pulling us into a bond of strength, love and needing. My head hung in sorrow, all of me aching, the very core of me burning.

'... I'm so sorry, Max ... Please, help me ...'

My words were the only ones I could find in that dark and cold place in my head.

'Shush, honey ... We'll be okay ... I got ya, I love ya ... Come on now, ya know I'm right here ... Ya safe ... I ain't leaving ya ... Shush, ya got nothing to be sorry about ... We're okay, honey, we're okay,' was whispered into my soaking hair, as water splashed into his face and mouth, the slow rocking, a natural movement.

He kissed my forehead and then his cheek came to rest against it. Still my shaking form continued its exorcism of hurt, pain and disgust. I was almost gagging on the memories of the barn in the dark, the smell of him and the fear in my gut. I pushed it all back down inside, wishing it away, stamping it out.

The wave of sadness started to ebb and die down to sniffing and big sighs. Max stood up and turned the shower off, he was soaked from head to foot. Looking round for a bath sheet, he stepped back into the enclosure and wrapped it round my shoulders.

Slowly lifting me, he walked me out into the bathroom to sit me on the chair by the bath. Silently, he stripped from the wet shirt and trousers he'd looked so handsome in the night before. Grabbing a robe, he threw it on and came back over to me.

I sat watching him, no emotion on my face, blank eyes and furrowed brow. I wasn't really there, I was running, screaming, clawing, slapping. It felt strange being detached from that room. I knew I was there, but I was stood behind myself.

Max saw my gaze. 'Let's get ya dry ... I'll grab ya robe ... Ya need to take ya panties off, they're soaked ...'

As he moved towards me, my reaction was instinctive. I flinched away from him, worried look on my face. He stopped dead in his tracks as he saw it, the sad action causing him hurt. He retreated from the room.

I patted over my legs and ankles, seeing the first signs of bruises, on calves, thighs, arms. The tears dropped onto my skin as I made an effort to dry myself. With the towel to my face, the flood gate opened.

Max stood at the door and watched me weep, not knowing how to deal with it, wanting to hold me and kiss me better, but scared in case he hurt me more. When I looked up again, he'd gone. I locked the door against the world and decided to survey the damage.

My period had stopped in the night, oddly enough, so I stripped all reminders that remained from the previous day, and dumped it in the bin. Looking at myself in the full length mirrors, I brushed away the tears from my raw sided face.

My nose had a chuck of skin missing at the bridge, from the head-butt. The length of my right cheek had become a red strip. I had visions of my face print smeared down the barn wall. My left eye was pretty puffy, the blue and red skin a reminder of a fist. I knew, then, I had to get my shit together and get the fuck out of there. Suddenly I craved escape.

I ripped clean clothes from my overnight case and dressed in seconds. Max must have gone out to be with the others, so I was free to move around the room unhindered. The case was zipped up, after I collected all my possessions, and with my cowboy hat on my head and my shades, I was ready to split. I took the handle, and one last look around the room, at Max's discarded clothes, our ruffled bed, and then left before I gave myself a chance to change my mind. I was done.

I wheeled my case down to the kitchen but couldn't hear any voices. The French doors were open and people were dismantling the stage and marquee. I found my car keys on a hook in the cupboard, snatched them off, and made for the back of the house. No one saw me as I walked down the garden to the garage with my case in tow.

Finding the huge doors open, I walked in and unlocked my sexy ride. I loaded my case and handbag into the passenger seat, walked round and got in. The car purred into life, with the flick of the ignition, and loud rock music crashed from all corners. A smile appeared on my face as my hands slid round the wheel, the leather warm to my touch. The music fed a new attitude into my soul, the bass and drums beating with my heart. I needed to take a breath, time to go.

I tapped the car into reverse and pulled from the garage, only stopping to turn the music up. Stevie walked into my rear-view leading a horse, I saw him shout and raise a hand. He took a few steps, heading for the car. I tapped her into first, threw my hand out of the window as a wave, and then put my foot to the accelerator, leaving him beyond my cloud of dust.

People parted as I cruised along the track to the main road, faces flashed passed, strangers, most of them. I saw Dan and waved, he wasn't smiling when he saw my face, red and swollen. I could see Joey, chatting and directing guys with trucks back to the other entrance. They stopped talking when one nodded my approach. Joey recognised my car straight away.

My window dropped slowly. 'I'll see ya later, Joey ... Be good, now ...'

The dark glass didn't get a chance to reach half way down before it was electrically raised again. His smile dropped when he clocked the state of me. He tried to speak as the gate opened but I slipped through. He followed me out into the road and watched me speed away to better pastures.

Somewhere Only She Goes

The rock ballad was perfect timing as my eyes misted up and my breath caught in my lungs. The open road was full of time to think, there was a bit too much to deal with back there. I needed to be far away to take in my living nightmare, to butcher it, burn it to the ground, and then erase it from memory. I also remembered Max's words, 'Whatever it takes.' He wasn't wrong there, was he?

I headed south, Calgary spread out before me as I took the road for the mountains. The music strung emotions together, every track showing me another reason for the pain I felt. I'd drifted in my head for most of the journey, one road giving way to another. Miles disappeared below my tyres as faces tripped through my mind.

Max's hovered in my sight. I hated running away again, but my heart was tired of aching and feeling such loss. Thinking it had already broken, I resigned myself to feeling nothing, the hurt being tossed to the side of the road. I knew there was more to life than that. I deserved it, surely.

Max was, is, and will always be the love of my life. All I ever wanted for us was to get it right. We'd been so close and it had been so good for so long. Since that phone call it'd all turned to crap, and I hadn't made it easy for him, had I? I'd been a selfish bitch really, we all fuck up and we all survive. I'd even survive the trauma of my recent trip to hell. I'd felt so weak for so long, but my strength was ebbing back into me. The song was saying it, '...It's my moment now to try, before it passes by ...'

Eventually I found myself sat in the drive at the lodge, hands on the wheel, sobbing onto my arms. Still the music pumped into my head, '... I'll turn it around ... _You'll start to live again_ ...'

I opened the car door, got out and walked towards the river. The trees were alive with life, the bass, tinny from my car. The warming sun lay a golden tint across the meadow. I stopped by the water and remembered the history that place held. I coiled the grass stalk around my fingers, interlacing it, listening to the sound of bird and brook. Many times I'd stood there and been lost in that vista. I'd go back there every time I needed to hide. That had the soul of me, that spot, right there.

Kicking off my shoes, and breathing in the scent of pine trees and meadow flowers, I paddled across the stream and into the grasses beyond. I left the lodge, the brook, the pine. I ambled a path toward the mountains in the distance, pale blue, majestic, ethereal. They held my gaze, a safe point in the sky, giving me a reason to walk, to smile, to drift. With the sun on my face, I stood, arms out, eyes closed. The backs of my hands brushed the tops of the taller grasses, soft, feather like. My smile broadened. Life, I thought, could be far worse, and such things were sent to test us, without a bloody doubt.

'How do I do it? I'm like some fucking arsehole magnate ...' I laughed aloud to myself. 'Right, time to make some changes ... I really need to get my shit together ...'

A wispy cloud took a little heat from the sun. I raised my hands to my shades, looking up to the horizon, and then out across the stunning valley. I felt the slow haze that came with such a glorious day, it was mellow, lazy, and suited me just fine. That's when I saw him, hands on his hips, cowboy hat, wraparounds, stood, watching me in the sun. Stevie walked into the meadow, grinning.

I was still laughing as I walked back the way I'd come, my shadow dancing across the sea of grasses.

'... So, ya found me then? ... Didn't take ya long ...'

My eyes glinted with the residue of the cocaine, smoky grey, line of blue to the edge of the iris. Hard and unforgiving, as my smiling face moved around them.

'Hell, woman, ya really are one crazy bitch, ain't ya? Max was on the verge of killing someone ...' His blue eyes softened as he held my glassy, vacant stare. 'Ya okay?' He stepped towards me and offered his open arms, waiting for me to decide. 'We were so worried about ya, honey,' he smiled.

I stepped into them and they closed round me, my forehead resting on his chest.

'Soon as I saw ya leave I went and found Max ... Ya could only be going to one of two places, I came here, Max has gone to Silver Spring ... Looks like he was wrong ... Again,' he laughed, the noise loud against my ear. 'So, little lady, what were ya thinking? I see ya reason for escaping. You were pretty charged ... Max was talking to Ma in her room at the time ... She thought it a good idea if ya both left soon ... When he got back to yours, you'd already gone ... I found him on his way out the back ... I'd just seen ya at the garages, so, I told him you'd left ...'

He sighed and continued. 'Max went fucking critical ... Dude, he exploded in the yard, throwing chairs, started cussing and shouting ... Ma tamed him down, some ... He told her he felt so useless ... He wanted to comfort ya, but ya pulled away ... I think it freaked him out some ... This is flooring him, too, honey ...'

I sniffed back hot tears. 'I was so scared, Stevie ... I couldn't get away ... I can still smell him on me ... I can't wash it out of my nostrils ... It makes me heave just thinking about it ...'

My voice was quiet as I let some of it out, a little at a time, not all at once. I couldn't say all those words just yet.

'Come back to the lodge ... I'll pour ya a Jack or make a coffee, or something ... I rang Max when I found ya car ... He's on his way home, now.'

His smile was one of Max's, warm, comforting, and just what I needed to see.

'Can I ask ya something, Tee?' Stevie's face turned towards me as we sat at the bar.

'Yeah, course ... What?' I took the double Jack and cola, swirling it in its glass.

'What the hell were ya doing in the God damn barn on ya own?' The question covered his face.

'I'd had that spat with Max ... Guess you know the score there ...' He nodded. 'Well, I just wanted a little time out ...' I huffed out a little laugh. 'Thought the barn looked like a good place, you know the one, I could hear the music but still enjoy my own company for a while ... Seemed like a good idea at the time,' my face smiled back.

'Jesus, woman, when that Chris guy came running over, panicking about what he'd just seen and heard, I thought Max was gonna rip his damn face off ... I had to pull him away as Chris tried to explain, he kept pointing at the barn ... Joey was the first to move, Max and the rest of us on his tail ... I thought Max was gonna kill the guy, the way he kept hitting him ... Thank God Joey was there to get the crazy bast'd off ...'

He came and sat on the stool beside me, bottle of Jack at hand.

'Yes, Mam ... That was one doozey of a night ... One that will go down in the Manley History books ... Man, life just keeps on giving, don't it?' he smiled, his eyes coming back to mine after refilling our highballs.

Changing the subject, instantly, I spoke about what I thought I needed to do. I wanted a change in career. I didn't want to be a Designer anymore, I hadn't been happy for a while. I could probably sell the business. I wanted something else in my life. I hadn't decided what that was yet, but it'd come to me. I wanted the next week to be over, and laughed, saying he could be an Uncle when they returned from their week in New York.

He didn't laugh, instead, he changed the subject. 'Can ya sing? Have ya ever tried?' His questions hovered before me.

'I was in the choir as a kid ... But that was a gazillion years ago ... It's something I do in the bath and leave to your brother ... He does all the singing round here, sweetie,' I smiled at him, my eyes starting to look a little more human again. 'I don't think I'd tell Max if I could ... I wouldn't want people thinking I was using him to climb ladders ... Nah ... Nice thought, though,' I laughed.

I heard Stevie's Harley first and, leaving him at the bar, hurried to the front door. I'd walked down most of the steps when Max appeared around the corner of the building. He was in his usual black jeans and shirt, brown suede jacket, shades, and there was that wonderful swagger.

I was a few from the bottom when he saw me. His glasses had moved to the top of his head as he'd clocked the abandoned cars in the drive. His lovely face came round and saw me as I stopped to watched him approach.

'Hey, baby ... How ya doing?' His eyes lit up as a gorgeous smile spread across his lips.

'I've had better days ...' My heart dropped. 'Max ... I'm so sorry ...'

I walked into his arms, lips to his lips, his fingers in my hair, crushing me, loving me. My whole being ached to have him as we both held back our tears, made promises and kissed away doubts.

'Move ya God damn asses, I'm going home,' Stevie chuckled, bouncing down the steps behind me. 'I'll see you two losers when I return from our week in the Big Apple ...'

I felt a kiss on my head, as he touched knuckles with Max around it.

'Be good, people ... And stay safe,' was called over his shoulder as he walked to the pickup. Within minutes he'd reversed round and was gone with a wave and a triple toot in quick succession.

If I'd thought the last twenty-four hours were as bizarre as they got, then the next few days were surreal to say the least. Max and I occupied separate lives, both lost in work, neither of us taking a break. Dan and Jake stayed a few nights. They were sorting the last of the drum fills and guitar for the new album. Stevie had some parts of the bass lines to finish when he got home, but then it was ready to go.

I looked at closing the business but a phone call from Craig Taylor soon changed that. He'd rung to catch up, asking if I'd recovered from the weekend. I replied I was good but was thinking about a career change. I asked if he was interested in buying me out, it was a joke to start with.

As it happens, he was very interested in purchasing it for his portfolio. Always looking to expand, he said, and he could move it to Edmonton with his other company, that wasn't a problem at all. We arranged a meeting at my studio, to which I replied I'd see him the following week.

Come Thursday night, Max was on the verge of particle separation. I'd watched all week as the mood he was in grew and grew daily. The guys were glad to escape in the end. Dan commented he had a bug up his ass over something, but he kind of knew why.

Flat-out Friday was a real bitch, him in his studio, me in mine. We sat together to eat, I'd buzzed him from the kitchen, he'd appeared, ate, chatted a while, then returned to his instruments below.

We'd shared our bed, me on my side, him all the way over there, damn that super king-size. No spoons, no late night loving, no whispers in the dark. We both had our bad dreams, waking in the night, sweat on our brow. I found myself wrapped round him one morning, he needed to go pee but he couldn't move, I'd pinned him to the bed. He'd called my name out loud, that same night, his shout enough to wake me, then he'd rolled away, back into sleep.

The affection grew back, slowly. I learnt to trust him, not pulling away from a kiss. He'd waited for me to go to him, Stevie had taught him well. I shied away less, catching him as he passed me, pulling him in for a quick smooch. I relaxed more, he was patient and gentle, taking it easy and coaxing me back.

It was all about us, we became a team again, friends not fighters, side by side. We supported each other as we listened to our hopes and fears. Tears were wiped away by gentle fingers, palms were kissed and dreams rewritten. The healing had begun, but there was just one more detail to take care of, was he or wasn't he. We needed to know, for us.

I watched it driving him insane, not knowing, not wanting to know, and not wanting to be. He said it should be us asking ourselves the question, was I or weren't I, his effort to lighten the moment. I had to keep explaining that I loved him enough, and that it didn't really matter, we'd get there in the end, we always did. If it was, so what, he was a Daddy and he'd have to step up to the mark. I'd be there to hold his hand, I wouldn't give up, and it was as simple as that.

I gently laid my hand to his pale cheek. 'Believe me, I'm not leaving you again ... I'm here to stay ... You can't get rid of me that easily, Mister Manley.'

I kissed the tip of his nose and walked to the shower, he didn't follow.

Silver Spring was on my mind all week. I expressed that to Winnie when we spoke, we finally got to chat on the Wednesday. I was working when she rang. Said everybody missed me. Walt and Vern were wondering where their partner in crime was, and Gina had a heap of gossip about the kids.

I'd explained I had some work stuff to do. I was selling the business, looking at doing something different for a while. She'd asked if I'd ever wanted to own a shop, or be a silent partner in one. I'd said I'd think about it, as ideas flooded my head.

We sent our love to each end, she'd mind the house for me, and I replied I'd be back soon. She said she missed me and our chats. I smiled back the same. Thanking her for being such a good friend she replied, 'It's what friends do, isn't it? ... Help out ...'

The call had ended with our usual giggles, she was stocktaking. Stuart, her nephew, was helping. They were counting big knickers in the afternoon and she couldn't wait. I'd sat quietly, after the call, and imagined a strapping young hunk of a farm boy, in a ladies dress shop, holding up huge bloomers and asking himself, '... Please, God ... Not all women wear these ...?'

Jeez, time flies when you work twelve hours straight, head buried in paperwork, face to a graphics covered screen, pencils, pens and paintbrushes everywhere. Chaos, reigning supreme, stuff in heaps, piles of prints, paper stacks, stuff coming in and stuff going out. Proofs, handfuls high, scattered the desk, books covered the floor and I'd taken the phone off the hook. The coffee maker, behind me, brewed continuously, a joint sat in the ashtray, glasses on the end of my nose and two paintbrushes holding my hair up, Chinese style.

My mind was lost in reading documents and figures, collecting data to show Craig the following week. All the profit and loss charts, or in my case, just profit, sat bound and ready to go. In the months I'd been in Canmore, I'd quadrupled my income.

Craig would be impressed with the figures, it made a very nice little package and turnover, if you could be arsed with it, that is. It'd certainly give him something to chew on. I was trying to think of a good price, not stitch him and not stitch me. I was sure he'd have an idea, he was a very shrewd business man, but I liked a challenge, so we'd see, wouldn't we?

The light had moved across the windows. My angle poise had been on for ages as I sat, feet up on my desk, checking numbers in the bank account. That was a nice space. Detached from the house, I could lock myself in and work in peace. Built at an angle, the large square room had one corner jutting out over the stream. The trees ran a path to the door, footbridge over a spur in the brook. Windows ran three sides and the roof was clear, angled, very architectural, clean lines. Well lit, kept warmed by the solar glass everywhere, it didn't need heating, not even when snow lay on the ground.

Music always played in the background, from Country to Classical. I wasn't fussy, anything but Ea$y. If I heard Max's voice, the next hour or so would be consigned to daydreaming about him, which, for me, happened on a regular basis.

Stevie had found a poster of the band that was in an old Dirty Metal magazine. All four of them, moody posers, dirty lens shot, arms crossed and trying to look mean. I died laughing when I saw it.

He kindly stuck it up on my office wall, said something about a little keepsake for me. As I'd pointed out, I didn't need one. I was getting hitched to the front-man, and keepsakes don't get much better than that.

I was lost, staring at Max, lid of my biro being chewed to a pulp, a little stoned smile on my face. I drifted through scenes in my head, the Awards night, the road trip to Vancouver when we raved it up in five star hotels. We'd once taken a few days out to catch the Calgary Stampede. All those cowboys, I tell you, I didn't know where to look next.

Max had to buy a hat in the end. 'If ya can't beat em, join em,' was said with the cheekiest of grins. The sex was hot that night, in the shower, on the balcony, against the wall. It was passionate, horny, hard and slow. There were fingers to lips, fingers to thighs, whispering, teasing. We'd slept with the mattress pulled to the floor, French doors wide open and the mountains beyond.

Looking at the time on the wall clock, I was reminded of the results, had he heard anything yet? I switched the light off and ambled back to the lodge. Autumn was moving in the air, I could feel the chill against my sleeveless arms, the fragrance of the dying year travelling on the breeze. I breathed it in through my nostrils as I climbed the lodge steps. Turning to look back at the view, I leant on the balcony and saw the last few weeks of summer trying to hold back the season's change.

Below lay my little studio, then beyond, the trees, the meadows, on into the distance, Calgary over there, somewhere. It was lovely on the mountain all year round, each season holding its own beauty. The skies are fabulous, every colour, salmon, lilac, sapphire. The storms rage over from the mountains, dark in seconds, a deluge of heavy rain, then gone and blue sky again. I loved that view, you could walk three sides of the lodge on its balcony, and each one had its own points of inspiration.

Ambling into the den, I poured myself a large drink. The lights were on but Max wasn't there. Maybe he was still in the studio, the stairs door was ajar, the light still on.

Back to the kitchen I moped, enjoying a little music and wandering into the den. Placing my glass down, I slopped onto the couch, feet up, eyes closed. The tune drew me away into a video in my head, as the images played out the lyrics. I was miles away, enjoying the moment, chilling out.

But, back into my head they popped, those bloody results. I slid from the couch and, taking my glass, headed for the studio. I could hear music, bass, drums, same section, over and over, on a loop, as I descended the stairs.

I looked through the large window and couldn't see him. He was probably at the mixing desk or in the office. I walked in, the drum and bass louder. No point in shouting then, he wouldn't hear me. I walked the perimeter to find him sat with his back to the office door, speaking angrily into the phone.

'... I don't give a shit, that's not the God damn point ... Look, ya said I would have them today ... So, where the fuck are they? Am I gonna know today or what?'

He was mega pissed off as he paused for their reply.

'... What? ... Arh, suck my dick, ya gotta be fucking kidding me ... You're the God damn Doctor ... Get ya expensive lazy Doctor ass into gear, and get me the damn results ... Jesus, are you people fucking brain-dead?'

Slamming the phone down, he turned back to his desk. His fingers pushed into his hair as his elbows came to rest on the top.

I walked over and slid an arm around his shoulders, his face snapping round, and up, to look at me. I smiled down at him.

'... I take it from that you've not heard anything yet?'

'Nah,' he replied, running his hands up and down his face, his elbows supporting the act. 'Ma didn't get a call either ... I already spoke to her ... I been trying to get info all day ... Looks like it could be next week now ... We'll have to wait till then, I guess ...'

As his voice trailed off, I hugged him to me and kissed the top of his head. We could wait some more.

To Know The Truth

It was a quiet weekend, thank the Gods. I didn't fancy larging it up, not after the last one. I was still hurting and reckoned I'd only just come back down properly. I needed to clear my head for my meeting with Craig on Tuesday. I had to keep my wits about me regarding the bid.

Max lost himself in the studio and me, and every time the opportunity arose, his arms were round me. He was either kissing my neck, on passing, or telling me how much he loved me. I tried to get him to take a break from the studio, so he did, and got in my way. We snuggled and watched films on the Saturday evening.

Stevie phoned to let us know they were back, asking the question and, no, we hadn't heard. His reply was a mixed bag of relief and anguish. Ma sent her love, Chelsea said hi. We'd see him Monday, more studio time, nearly finished, and he couldn't wait.

Twenty minutes into the must see action movie of the year, I was asleep. I curled up next to Max, my head in his lap, my shawl draped over me, I was out like a light. He woke me up at some God awful hour of Sunday morning and led me off to bed, moaning and dozy.

Sunday was a day to watch telly from our pit, rain lashed down and the wind pushed it diagonally across the decking outside the French doors. Intermittent storms raged over from the mountain, thunder low and loud, the noise felt in your chest.

Max made breakfast and brought it to bed, we watched the weather as we munched toasted bagels and cottage cheese, the one with pineapple in it. I sat picking at grapes as the swirls of rain covered the map before us. We watched on our huge telly as Canmore disappeared below a big cloud.

The tray vanished when we'd finished, Max putting it back in the kitchen and grabbing some beers before returning. I'd started watching the motorcycle racing from Spain as he climbed back in. He passed me an open bottle, cold droplets holding to its label.

We were lost in telly most of the day, four hours of racing helped. That was the morning sorted. I made a bowl of tuna and pasta for lunch, we sat eating, watching an old Western. John Wayne was doing his famous swagger, it reminded me of Max in a way. I sniggered to myself. He didn't get the joke, never mind.

The afternoon film, a different kind of love story, was about a man who had to search for, and save, his wife from an eternity in hell. It certainly had my attention and a few of the scenes even brought a tear to my girly eye.

Max was amused by that. He took the piss and got a slap. I got a hug, his lips to mine, and one of his lovely smiles. Slipping into being horny, his hand ran up my back, pulling me into him. As I flinched, he stopped and looked into my eyes.

'Are we good here?' he murmured. He backed off a little.

I grabbed hold of him by his robe lapels. 'Mister, we're damn fine,' I purred, as I pulled him back to finish our kiss with smiling eyes.

Slowly, gently, he laid me down beside him, kissing, holding, whispering love and demands. Foreplay and Max, man, that's something else. He had me quivering in seconds, his tongue, there. I got off watching him, his movements, his body, his face. He enjoyed taking me to the edge, tongue searching for that spot, fingers helping, caressing, stimulating.

Untying my robe, he watched my face, waiting for a wince or pause. It didn't come, but I did, when his lips brushed over the tip of it. He worked his way down my body like that, his tongue skipping over my skin. As he climbed from the bed to disrobe, he looked down into my eyes and smiled. He joined me where I lay, and slowly raised my arms above my head to rest on the pillow.

A soft, slow hand ran down my body, my eyes fluttering shut on contact. His other arm was bent with his cheek resting in the palm of his hand. His eyes followed his movements as the heat rose in my body and a sigh escaped my lips.

Catching me at the waist he pulled me towards him for a gentle kiss. My eyes partly opened, slowly, to see him looking at me as my arm slid onto his shoulder. That perfect moment was making me want to cry. His lips travelled from mine, up and across my still swollen cheek, down to my bruised jaw line and onto my neck.

My head tilted backwards as he trailed a line along my naked shoulder. I could feel his breath against my skin, his heat against me, and his hand touching me there. His lips came back to mine, as he pulled me over the top of him, to land on the other side. He had both his arms around me, as he slid inside, and the kiss lasted an age.

Holding me tight to him he whispered, 'I love ya, baby ...'

Taking his face in my hands, I turned it towards me. 'I want you to screw me, real slow ... I wanna watch you cum,' I whispered, 'and I wanna see your face when you do ...'

Eye to eye, lips brushing, I watched. Eventually, his moment arrived, and I joined him in his release, the loud groan from his throat, gritty and low. He filled that space as a flush rippled through me. Tears brimmed as I watched him. His eyes shut, slowly, as his heartbeat raced. It lasted for ages, the spasms and twitches making him chuckle.

The end of me, a shock down my spine, had Max purring pretty loud. He rolled away and lay there, grinning, as my legs throbbed in time to the rush of blood passed my ears.

'Whoa, woman, ya got one dirty mouth,' he smiled. 'But, shit, I sure do love it...'

He ran his hands down my trembling thighs, eyes following, dirty I'm done smile to his lips. He then kissed me, quickly, before climbing from the bed.

The Monday morning brought more rain and a cold breeze that wasn't like a summer at all. The water ran the full length of the glass doors, dripping and disappearing between the decking. Our room was warm, dark and sleepy. My hand spread over to Max's side, he wasn't there. It was cold and empty. He'd probably be in the studio with Stevie, head bent over a guitar, cans on, lost in concentration. I drifted for a while, the silence a comforting drone.

When I finally walked from the bedroom to the den, silk robe flapping at my ankles, just panties beneath, the silence greeted me, heavy and uncomfortable. The studio door was locked, no talking from the kitchen either, even the den was empty, the vertical blinds still shut. I was a little bemused by it as I walked into the kitchen, put on some coffee, and let in some light.

Humming Chelsea's song as I went, I wasn't used to complete silence. I turned on the television for company, the noise taking the edge off. Where were the guys? Maybe they'd gone out for a bit. I left it at that, until there was a loud knock at the door and Stevie walked in.

'Mornin, my little darlin, ya seen that damn weather out there? Looks like another summer's over. What I wouldn't give for six months in Mehico ...'

He was rubbing his hands together against the chill outside, whilst walking straight for the coffee pot. Rain sat in droplets on his hair.

'And where the hell is that lazy-assed brother of mine?' He looked around the area we occupied, head turning one side to the other. 'Ain't he got his worthless kahunas outta bed yet?'

'Hey, Stevie, I thought he was with you ... Jesus, what's the time?' My head turned to look at the oven, 10:19 a.m. 'I had no idea it was so late, thought it was still early ... He's not with you then, obviously ...'

Coffee mug to his mouth, he paused. 'No, sis ... I just got here ... Thought Max had put my Harley out back cuz it ain't sat where it was yesterday ...'

I looked at Stevie, put my mug down and hurried back to the bedroom. Opening Max's bedside drawer, my suspicions were confirmed. His wallet was missing, his keys too, but his mobile phone sat on the side. I checked his wardrobe, his duffle bag wasn't in the bottom. Panic started to rise.

'STEVIE,' I called, the worry breaking my voice. '... He's gone ...'

Holding one of his sweatshirts to my chest, I sank down onto the bed, tears in my eyes.

'What ya talking about, Tee?' Stevie came through the door, looked at the wardrobe, then at me. 'Jeez and holy shit, where the fuck has he gone now? ... It's those fucking results ... They got him all crazy in the God damn head ... Stupid asshole ...'

He stormed back to the den to start the usual round of calls, it's a set list, the who to ring when Max goes missing list. Stevie knew it by heart. It started with Ma and spread out from there.

I wandered back out after dressing, woolly jumper and jeans weather, fluffy slippers over thick socks. Standing at the floor to ceiling window in the den, I looked out into the rain, wondering where he could be. He had me real worried, yet again. Those bloody results were driving him along a really shitty road, and it led to somewhere very sad indeed.

I suggested trying Tony, his Doctor. He may have ridden over there. Stevie couldn't see him riding far on the Harley, not in the rain, not Max's style, and strange he didn't take the car.

'Maybe he's getting some air through his brain before he spends another day in the studio,' I queried. 'We'll have breakfast and see what the next half hour brings, aye? I hate it when he does this, Stevie ... Bloody sod ...'

After speaking to the regular people, Ma and Randy included, I started to panic a little more. No one had seen him, he'd not dropped by, and he'd not rung. He could've had a crash, he could be hurt. Should we start ringing the hospitals? Stevie did a wonderful job of calming me down, made me more coffee, popped some Jack in the top, rolled a spliff and hugged me.

'Ah, he's gotta get it outta his system in the only way he knows how ... He hates the fucking rain, though ... Even more reason not to be out on the damn Harley ... Ya'll see, trust me, he'll reappear soon enough, ya know him ... Mark my words, little lady, ya ain't got no reason to worry ...'

That was Stevie's attempt to make it feel a bit better, nice try, but it didn't work.

I wanted Max there with me, where he should be, where he was meant to be. That week had slowly brought him down. A cliché, I know, but Max was hitting his wall. I thought he was going to blow, Dan and Jake saw it. Stevie wasn't there to control him, and I'd tried my best to keep him calm. I explained to Stevie how Max had been all week. His face turned sad, he could sympathise with Max.

'It'd be my worse fucking nightmare to find out I had a kid with that freaking ho ... Max must be shitting himself,' was Stevie's only comment on the matter.

The day dragged on, the phone rang several times. Stevie would nod no as my head appeared around a corner. I went back to the telly. Dinner time came and went, still nothing. Stevie and I sat, eating, talking about finishing the album and general stuff that comes with life and the living.

Chelsea had gone to her parents in Florida for a spell, her Pa hadn't been well, hence their nonappearance at the party, and her Mama was glad of the rest bite. Stevie was finding it a big house without her there, making a noise, making a mess.

They'd had a fabulous time in New York. He said she'd shopped the place out, spent way too much money, and done it all with a big smile on her face. He was dragged along and made to hand over his credit cards, but it made him feel good seeing her happy like that. He'd just driven Ma home on his way to the lodge, she was doing good, sent her love, and had enjoyed the change of scenery, but was glad to be home again.

As the evening became night, we decided it made more sense if he crashed in one of the guest rooms. If Max appeared they could get an early start in the studio, if he didn't, well, at least he was on hand if there was a problem. I knew what he meant and welcomed another soul in the place. I hated being there alone, it never felt right.

With a mug of cocoa between my hands, I slowly paced the games room. I could hear him, talking in my head, his voice a mumble. I turned, but the space was empty. I found myself with a handful of his shirts, breathing in his scent, missing him with a passion. It was killing me not knowing where he was.

I even wondered if he was getting me back for something I'd said or done wrong. Was I being punished? My sadness hovered in the centre of me, making my eyes tired with tears and my heart ache with hurt. There'd been too much hurt lately, couldn't it just give us a break, just for a while?

The heavy quiet pushed me from Max's favourite room, the bar stood alone in the corner, pool table abandoned, their owner, missing in action. As I ambled back to the den, rain hit the high windows. The trees looked black beyond, everything was dripping.

Stevie was watching the sports channel, smoking a spliff and drinking a large glass of Jack. His feet were up on the new coffee table, he seemed content, lost in the game.

I watched him, studied him. I reckon Chelsea knew how lucky she really was. He was so steady, no dramas. What you saw is what you got with Stevie.

'I'm beat ... See ya in the mornin,' he said, as he rose and turned the telly off, his sleepy eyes nearly closed from his last spliff of the day. 'Night, sugar,' he smiled, as he kissed my forehead and wandered off. 'Ya'll see,' he remarked over his shoulder as he left, 'he'll be home when he's hungry ..'

I stood and watched till his bedroom door closed behind him. Then, letting out a big sigh, I looked around the loveless space and returned to the kitchen. I placed my mug in the sink and took a clean tumbler from the rack. Picking up the Jack bottle from the side, I walked into the den.

I switched the up-lighter on and turned all the overhead ones off, the gloom an instant relief. As the rain dripped a constant rhythm, I was reminded of a stonking metal track, Edge of It. How did it go?

'I need ya here, damn this fear, it just won't disappear,' and, 'all my fears, I try so hard to hide, but they still collide, with all the sadness and the tears I cried.'

The lyrics ran through my head. That's exactly it. That's exactly how I felt.

For whatever reason Max had left, I just had to hold it in my heart that it was over those bloody results and nothing else. A whole string of horrid scenarios streamed through my head. I laughed to myself, maybe he'd had enough of me, gone to track Anna-Lee down and fight for his little family. He could also, and just as easily, be in the nearest bar getting trashed. Stevie usually got a call in the early hours, a stranger would ask if he could go and get him.

But wasn't this also history repeating itself, hadn't we been here before? Every time he did a bunk in the past Anna-Lee was somehow responsible. She and Mickey may have split. What if she was back in Calgary again? The panic started to build. I was getting a little too upset.

I plonked down onto the couch, knees up to my chest, glass in hand. My eyes screwed shut against the images I'd conjured up, him holding her, them being together, like us. My head dropped to my knees as the tears started to fall. There was no way I was going to control them, not after thinking all that.

Flight or Fight

It was dawn when I opened them again, laid on the couch, shawl over me. I'd cried myself to sleep and woke with a foggy and sore head, a sure sign of too much Jack and too much sadness. I daydreamed in the movement of the rain as it ran down the tall doors, lost to the sound, drifting. I couldn't see a clock from where I lay, I wasn't interested anyway, and why should I need to care about the time?

My sorrow was still there, though, under my ribs, forcing them apart, but I had to get my shit together, somehow. Craig was due at about 2 p.m. so I needed to get down to my office and make sure all the paperwork was in order. I had a whole business portfolio prepared and didn't want one single asset to be omitted. I hated having to put on a business head, it wasn't a good day to be doing that, and I was floored.

I pulled my butt off the cushions and, with my shawl still around me, made coffee and had my breakfast. It was just after 7 a.m. so I tried not to make too much noise. Stevie was still dead to the world, and I didn't want to disturb him.

I trailed to the bedroom, looking into rooms for signs of Max. I wanted him back so badly. The hot shower washed away the bad head and the tearstained eyes. It lifted my spirit, a little, drowned out the babble in my brain, made me feel nearly human.

I dressed in leggings and a sweatshirt, my hair in a Viking twist. I'd be changing later, a must for the meeting. Pulling on socks and trainers, I decided to get started in the office. There wasn't much to do really, but it gave me time out, and took my mind off the shit at hand, my way of putting the time to good use.

I'd be getting a good reward, if it played out how I hoped it would. I knew I could make a nice wedge from my deal, I just had to sell it as a product. If Craig was happy to pay, I'd be happy to take. I had an amount in mind. I'd be seeing if he was thinking along the same lines soon enough.

It was still peeing with rain as I stood at the kitchen doors, looking down at my office. The back path was a stream down to the brook. The dread of the wet walk dropped my shoulders, as I reached for a golf brolly in the utility room. When I made my escape it was treacherous under foot, mud splashing as I dashed for the wooden building. It had even puddled on the little bridge as I paddled over to the door.

Unlocking it, I walked in. It was warm and smelt of coffee and spliffs. A half smoked joint caught my attention. Lighting it, I walked to the corner window and looked out over the rain swept meadow. Branches, of the overhead trees, waved and brushed against the glass panels above, as the swollen stream rushed passed below. It was an inspiring view, on a day like that, dark, moody and unpredictable. I was instantly reminded of Max.

I stood, taking in the space by my drawing board, where I'd pinned some of my art work to the wall, and the rest of the familiar room. My Harder Than Rock calendar, an Ea$y collectable, was propped up next to my desk. I'd doodled over most of the months with a black felt-tip. By then they sported silly mono-brows, for February, big googly eyes, through May, and Max wore a very fetching bobble hat and bowtie, in July.

It was an ideal atmosphere to work in, comfortable, serene, everything had its place, and I still had room to move.

My eyes slowly travelled back to the calendar. What was the bright pink highlighter star on tomorrows date? Suddenly I was curious, what was that all about? I walked over and turned my angle poise lamp towards it. All became obvious. 1 Year Today had been scrawled across it in blue biro, it was Max's handwriting. When the hell did he do that?

So he'd been in there at some point. I thought it looked visited. Stuff had moved, my mug was clean, and some of my sketches of him had been stood up against the wall. The changes became obvious the more I looked. I smiled at the feeling of him being there, it increased when I closed my eyes, the echo of his laughter hanging in the air.

I put the radio on in the background, as I tidied up and collected together all the paperwork I needed. The portfolio was already in my desk, facts and figures about to be checked and rechecked. I sat and tried to sketch for a while, but my mind wasn't going to be placated that easily. The rain slowly lessened off as I wondered where on this earth he could be. I was worried, and it showed.

My phone ringing brought me back to the room with a bump. I sat on my desk and leant over to answer it with, 'Max? ... Please let it be you ...'

'Hey, baby ... It's me ...' Max's voice came husky down the line, a sign he hadn't slept.

I erupted. 'Sweetie, you're okay? ... Jesus, where are you? I've been worried sick ...'

'Yeah, I'm okay ... I'm sorry I ran out on ya like that ... There's something I had to do ... I'm in L.A.'

'L.A.?' The questions was already forming. 'What the hell are you doing in L.A, Max? Tell me you're bloody joking ...' I paused. 'Do you need me there, now?'

'No, honey, I'm leaving on the next plane out ...' His turn to pause. 'I done what I had to do ...'

'Arh, Max, what's going on? I been outta my tiny mind with worry ... Promise me, you're okay ... Promise me, we're okay ...'

'I'm okay, we're good, I promise ...' His voice tone didn't change. 'I need to ask ya something ... Can ya meet me, as soon as ya can, at The Bay Side Hotel in Seattle's East Side? ... Please, it's important ... I need to see ya, real bad ...'

'In Seattle? Why bloody Seattle? Now you've got me really worried. Is that where you're heading now?' I was writing as I spoke, trying to remember the details.

'Yeah, but I ain't got time to explain now, baby ... Look, my flight leaves in about an hour ... I'll be there before dark, okay? Please, we'll talk then ...' I could hear flight numbers being called. 'Just one last thing ... Don't tell anyone where ya going ... Not Stevie, Ma, no one ... Our little secret, okay?' His voice sounded urgent, tired and dry, not good for a vocalist.

'Max, you and your bloody timing ... I've got a meeting with Craig in a few hours, regarding an offer to buy the business ... I can't walk away now, he's hungry for it ... It'll kill the deal, stone dead, if I drop it like that, I may never get this chance again ... I'd be insane not to go through with it.' I stopped talking, the thought coming to me. 'And, apart from that, why don't you just come home? ... We can talk here.' My voice slowed and softened as I finished my little speech.

'No, I can't come back yet ... You'll understand when ya get there ... Please trust me, honey ... I really need to meet ya there ... Please ...'

The volume of his voice rose as he spoke louder, trying to be heard over the chaos behind.

'Okay, okay , I'll have the meeting with Craig, convince Stevie I'll be okay and send him home ... Then it's down to the next flight out, I'm afraid.'

My mind was whirring with a plan of action, the details being scribbled down as I spoke.

'I'm not sure when that'll be ... I'll get there when I can ... Will that do, hon? ... I'm sorry, it's the best I can offer at the moment ...'

I know I sounded selfish, but I was always going to him, flying around the world to be with him. At the drop of a hat, I had to get up and go. This time, he'd have to wait for me, it was my time to shine. If he loved me, the way he said he did, then he'd know how important it was for and to me.

'Okay, I'll meet ya there ... You'll be booked in under the Manley name ... Saves fucking about, don't it? I'll see ya soon ... Gotta go ... I love ya, baby ... Bye ...'

And with that, the line went dead.

Craig arrived dead on 2:30, I was impressed. He'd gotten lost, once, but still managed to make it in good time, considering. I showed him round the lodge and we caught up over coffee in the den. When we saw a break in the rain, we ambled down to the office, the air fresh with the scent of wet foliage.

We sat and trawled through page after page of figures, talking business, talking money. He liked what he saw, wanting to take it all away with him so he could digest the info, and also have his Accountant and Financial Advisor double check it. He said he'd get back to me within the week with an answer. I was happy with that, and he was done and gone by 5 p.m.

I fixed Stevie and me some dinner and we talked about our day. I didn't mention Max, but I did manage to talk him into going home. He had to get back to his horses, anyway, and he'd finished all of his recording. I told him if he needed me, to ring my mobile, it would leave the house phone free, Max may try to call me. Good thinking on my part, I thought.

I'd already checked for the next flight via the net, and let the local Security firm know the lodge would be empty for a few days. Leaving from Calgary, direct to Seattle, if I could get to the Airport within the next two hours, I could probably get a cancellation and be there for the morning. I could deal with that, breakfast in Seattle. It was a new experience for me.

An hour later I'd packed a bag and ordered a taxi, everything was locked and I was ready to go. Stevie had left, after dinner, in the hope of getting home before the mud wrestling started on TNA. His face had lit up as he realised he'd got the wall sized telly all to himself.

The reason I'm not giving any details about the journey is because, it was so bloody awful, I can't relive it by writing it down. The hours of waiting for an available seat were bad enough. Security Clearance had a queue that stretched to the Ladies, which was followed by a twenty minute shuffle. Cattle class doesn't even start to explain the noise, smell and lack of space. It was the sweaty sausage squashing me against the window that was the highlight of my flight. I know I go on about how much I hate flying, but from the moment I enter a crappy airport, I'm trying to escape.

Seattle at 7:40 a.m. was cold. The rain came off the west coast and soaked me as I dashed to grab a taxi. It stung my face with its cold needle-like droplets, making my eyes water. It was going to be a cold autumn for them, that year.

Again, another journey that was a blur, the water on the windscreen helping to distort the world beyond. There's a music video there somewhere, Seattle in the rain, rushing to meet Max. I'd missed him so much. I was acting like an excited loved-up teenager really. I wanted his arms around me again. It felt like a lifetime since I'd last held him against me. All I knew was I had to be with him. There'd be no more sleepless nights, my lonely dawns would be a thing of the past, and I'd have my soul mate back beside me again.

His choice in accommodation was a surprise, not the usual red and gold. The entrance reception was white wood panels to mid-way up the walls. Above this was a whitewash over a pale blue. Paintings of galleons and racing yachts lined the entrance and lobby area, stripped wood floors laid beneath my feet. I stood admiring the bar area and lounge, the nautical theme running right through.

The receptionist checked me in under my _saves fuckin about_ name. I glanced at my watch as I waited, just after 8 a.m.

'Ah, yes, Misses Manley, welcome, and nice to meet you,' was smiled at me from a pretty face across the reception desk. 'Your husband has currently stepped out of the hotel, he asked, would you please wait for him in the restaurant area? Your room number is four-thirteen, and have a lovely stay.' The pretty face's hand then passed me a key-card.

'Where's he gone then,' I thought to myself, 'he hasn't taken up jogging, surely!' I almost laughed aloud, just managing to stop the sudden outburst.

'How long has he been gone?' I enquired.

'About fifteen minutes, Mam ... I'm sure he won't be long,' she replied, still smiling, her eyes flicking to her computer clock and back to mine.

I imagined her face was stuck like that all day, her muscles cramping by the end of her shift. The poor sod probably had our conversation with wives, and mistresses, on a regular basis. Somehow, I didn't envy her the position she held.

'Would you like your luggage to be taken up for you?'

'Thanks, I'd appreciate that ... And I'll be waiting in there, should you see him first,' I smiled back to her whilst taking my coat off. I'd started to warm up, at least I could feel my face and feet again.

'No problem,' she replied. 'I can arrange that for you ... And I'll let Mister Manley know as soon as he gets back ...'

I nodded and smiled a thank you.

Relaxing a little, I ambled into an area with Lloyd Loom chairs in pastel shades of green and blue, a room of sea and sky. A beautiful oil painting of a magnificent schooner, cutting white water, hung above a huge open fireplace. Chunks of wood burnt and spat, the heat reaching out a fan before it as a dog slowly toasted itself, it never moved.

The bar, at the far end, was one long plank of maple, pale and chunky, but with clean lines. A few nicely dressed people sat in small groups, low talking, pages of newspapers being turned, and soft laughter.

I took the seat in the alcove, below the large mirror, the one with the pleasant view. From there I could see the whole room. I ordered a light breakfast, scrambled eggs, toast, juice and lots of black coffee. It was consumed in minutes.

I sat and waited, for what seemed like hours, drinking decaf and twisting my engagement ring. I felt sick from the anticipation. How would he look? How would he be? Did he still love me? Was that it then? Was it over? My heart sank, eyes heavy with tears, throat filled with a lump.

'I mustn't let it show,' I thought, my hand lifting to brushed away the escapees, my head turning in hope of them not being seen. When I looked at my watch again, it was nearly time for lunch.

Turning It All Around

The following few moments were a fairy-tale vision, the one we all had as little girls. It was he who commands the room. I felt him, his eyes sought me out. My gaze turned towards him and he seemed to fill the space by the doors.

Dressed immaculately, Mandarin collared suit in uniform black, suede Oxfords, deep red silk shirt with Onyx cufflinks, he didn't seem real. I blinked to make sure it wasn't some crazy hallucination. No, it was actually him, stood with his hands behind his back, enough to take my breath away. A stunning man, his beautiful mouth beamed a gorgeous smile, as blue eyes reflected the light from the windows. Shit, I was so lucky, he was everything I'd ever wanted, right there.

He walked over, still smiling. From behind his back came a stunning posy of mixed red and white roses, gypsophila and ivy, their scent drifting across the room. He knelt down before me, with his eyes on mine, as he started to speak.

'... I try and tell ya, every day, how much I love ya and need ya in my life. Ya give me a reason to live, a reason to love, and every time I look into ya eyes, well, sat there is everything I ever searched for ... You're always there for me, and the way ya love me is the best thing that ever happened to me ...'

His hand lifted mine as he looked at the diamond ring, twisting it on my finger.

'We've fought for everything we have ... And I'm honoured that ya chose me to spend the rest of ya life with ...' I went to speak, but his finger to his lips stopped me. 'Shush, I haven't finished,' he whispered, taking both my hands in his and looking up at me.

A shiver touched my spine. A cold mist suddenly hung between us, its appearance changing the temperature in the room slightly.

His look softened as he continued with, 'There's two things I need to say to ya ...'
My stomach churned as he smiled at me, his handsome face, clean shaven and spicy. Were we there then? Was it that moment I'd tortured myself over through a week of sleepless nights? It was coming, wasn't it, and I wasn't going to be able to stop it, was I? Those nightmarish words had burnt themselves into my head, is he or isn't he, those five, little, words.

'First up ... I'm sorry I left for L.A without saying goodbye ... I needed to get those results from someone, and there was no way, in hell, I was waiting any longer ... I had to do something, it was tearing us apart, and I wasn't gonna let that happen ... I managed to track her down, so I went straight there and she agreed to see me ... Mickey was there too.'

Max was thinking about his last forty-eight hours and where it had led him. Considering the crap, the journey had been well worth it. He paused, head down, smiling.

'It was a crock a shit, honey,' his eyes came up to meet mine, 'and she's one lying, little bitch ... It ain't mine, I didn't touch her that night ... At least she confessed that ... Mickey, somehow, found out the results ... Some member of the road crew, she thinks. He persuaded her to come clean an retract her statement ... Mickey don't want no shit ... As ya know, he's part of our production team now.' He was animated, alive, relieved.

My face had travelled through a tide of emotion as he spoke, holding his hands, tears brewing in my eyes.

He leant forward, kissed me, then laughed quietly.

'... She did it outta spite, the evil little bitch ... She couldn't have what we had, so, she didn't want us to have it either ... I nearly slapped the sick little ho ... I swear to God, I coulda killed her with one punch, Tee-bird ...'

He was looking at me as his words were said, swearing his oath, breaking the hold, and burying his manipulated past.

'Oh, my, God, Max,' my serious face held reservations, my tears ready to tip over any second, 'are we free of her? ... For good? ... Does this mean I never have to worry about her again?'

He laughed aloud and nodded. I slowly pulled him to me, tears finally deployed, both of us triumphant in the battle to save our love. We'd won. The war was over, we were walking wounded, but we were together, and that's all that really mattered.

He whispered into my ear, 'There's something else I need to tell ya, honey.'

Pulling away he looked into my eyes.

'It's been one hell of a ride, ain't it? I couldn't have made it through this without ya, and I love ya so much ... Anyway, a year ago today, and yeah, I remembered, I put that ring on ya finger and, man, it was the best God damn thing I ever did ... So, honesty being the best policy, I need to confess something to ya ... While ya think Stevie and I have been working on the album, we've in fact, been planning something else.'

He stood up, still holding my left hand.

'I need to show ya something ... Would ya come with me, please,' he smiled.

Well, after that little speech how could I refuse. I let him lead the way.

Out the door, we ambled, and across a stunning domed area that had real plants and leather couches dotted around the clean, bright space. He didn't speak, he just led me.

I took in the lovely plasterwork edging the walls, the ornate glass panels in the roof above, the sights, the sounds. Light flooded down into the area below, and before us stood a pair of gorgeously gothic arched doors.

We walked towards them and stopped, his hands resting on the bright brass handles.

'I made ya a promise, as I remember ... I said I wanted you to be my wife ... Well, I've been thinking ...'

His eyes lit up in a beautiful ocean blue, the smile spreading slowly across his lovely face.

'I reckon it's about time it happened ...'

Both his hands turned the ornate handles to the large double doors. He pushed them open to reveal his secret. My body lost its breath as his words sank in, my mind bouncing them around as my eyes scanned the room.

'Tee Jackson,' he smiled, 'I would be most honoured if ya'd say yes to becoming my wife, right now ... If ya'd still have me, that is?'

What family I had stood before me, flown over from England, their faces alight with smiles. Gee was there, Aunty Gee, Craig, Ma, Joey, Winnie, along with Walt and Gina, the list of faces just kept on growing.

I took in the stunning room, the vines overhead, the most ornate glass and wrought iron structure I'd ever seen. At the furthest end from us, the Registrar waited with Stevie, his grin spreading as we locked eyes. Wearing a matching suit, cowboy hat and shades, he was stood with his hands linked before him.

Ma sat at the front. Her smile was all teeth as she watched and waited. Dressed in a pretty cornflower blue suit, and her best Sunday hat, she looked very happy, her hands in pray mode again. They all smiled as they waited for me to speak. My brain was trying to compute.

'... Oh, my, God ...'

My mouth wasn't able to process a sentence as my hand came up to cover it.

I could feel my eyes filling again, my face burning with amazement. From one side, Chelsea stepped forward.

'Tee, I had House of Rachael make your wedding gown ... I designed it with your taste in mind ... I hope ya like it ...' It was draped over her arms.

And still everybody watched, as Max's hand gently took my elbow and slowly turned me to face him.

'Honey, I love ya so much ... Please ... Say, yes ...'

I couldn't believe it. Of all the moments, I turned shy then. My face aglow, bashfully I giggled my reply with tears still sat in my eyes.

'... Oh, Max, you crazy, wonderful man, what have you done? ... Yes, yes, I'll marry you ... Do I get time to change and fix my hair, first?'

The room erupted as he caught me in his arms, laughing, crying and kissing my face. Stevie rushed over and hugged us as we clung to each other. Ma walked up to us and hugged everybody, twice, and Chelsea was hugged around the ivory silk gown.

Eventually, she caught my arm and nodded for the door.

'... I have hair and make-up waiting ... We doing this or what?' she laughed.

The room clapped as Max kissed me again and I was dragged away, the doors closing behind us as we left.

They curled strands of my hair and pinned it in loops around a centre ponytail. Soft ringlets hung down at my temple and a dainty pearl tiara adorned my crown. I had the fairy-tale hairstyle, Cinderella on a good day. A fine string of the same gem hung at my throat. All very organised.

Chelsea had obtained ivory silk undies, strapless Basque and silk stockings. My feet slid into ivory silk Jimmy Choo bridal shoes, three inch heels, ribbon criss-cross detail, and very classy indeed. I felt fabulous, sexy, tall and ready.

After the last of the burlesque extras were applied, I stepped into my stunning gown. Full length, plain front, sweetheart neckline, off the shoulder design, with a nice little train. Classic lines all captured in a light silk. With it, a separate lace bolero jacket, long sleeves and pearls at the cuffs. Chelsea's dress almost matched, same colour but without the jacket and lace, her little cap sleeves almost a frill around the tops of her arms.

'How do I look? Will I do?' I beamed at her from the full length mirror in her suite.

'I reckon ya'll do just fine, sugar,' she smiled, her face alight with joy but traced with tears. I think it said how I looked.

'These are your last moments of being single,' I said to myself in the mirror.

A warm feeling slowly spread through me to make me smile, as I smoothed down the silk with my hands.

'Wish me luck then ... I think I'm gonna need it ... Pray I don't go arse over tit, aye?' My eyes wrinkled with the giggle hovering just below the surface.

'Good luck, sugar,' she laughed, passing me my posy. 'And ya look God damn amazing. He's so gonna cream his pants when he sees ya,' she smiled, the tears in her eyes making them sparkle from the crystal light above.

She held my hand as we chuckled our way back to the wedding party and the big day. There it was, just about to happen, my heart leapt.

She told me to wait out of sight while she told the room we were ready. There was a soft murmuring coming from beyond the doors as Walt slipped through them. He was looking very smart in his silver suit and crisp white shirt and silver tie. No battered baseball cap topped his head that day though. He smiled sweetly as he spoke.

'... Hope ya don't mind me asking, but I understand ya lost ya Pa some years ago and, well, I was wondering ... Would ya let me have the honour of giving ya away today?'

My eyes filled with tears as I looked at that sweet, little man. I could hear Chelsea sniffing her's back, behind me.

'I would love that, Walt, thank you ... Thank you, very much.' I kissed him softly, on his old weathered cheek, then linked my arm through his.

The stringed quartet, I'd seen sat to one side, played a lovely adagio for strings, the climb and fall a sweet sound. Chelsea set down my train, we both took a deep breath, and she hugged me one last time before the big entrance. As if by magic, the doors opened before us, and he held my heart in his hands, as I looked into that room and saw Max.

Walt, gripping my arm with excitement, looked at me and chuckled, giving me a snapshot of him as a small boy.

'Hey, kid, if anyone asks about this,' his smiling eyes flicked down to our linked arms, then back up to my face, ' just say I'm your something old ...'

His eyes sparkled at his brows shot up and down quickly, the smile taking years off his well-worn features. If I could have had any Pops of choice, other than my own, at that moment, it would have been, without a doubt, Walt, bless him. What a lovely man.

All heads turned and smiled as we walked slowly towards my wonderful groom. Walt was grinning and nodding his head. I was chuckling and still trying to get mine around what was happening.

Stood with his brother, his Ma watching, Max's face reflected my own look of devotion. That was the first time, ever, I'd seen him lost for words and, so, both he and Stevie watched, wide-eyed, brows raised, as I reached them, their actions mirrored.

Walt and I came to a halt at the front, my gaze coming up to meet Max's, a smile covering my love struck face.

'I love you with all my body and soul ... Let's get hitched,' I chuckled.

He leant forward, his fingers linked before him, to kiss me very gently on the lips.

'You're my love, my life, and my reason for living ... Yeah, let's do it,' he smiled in return.

The whole room became a tide of clapping while Chelsea, Walt and Stevie stood grinning like fools. We should have done that months earlier, reinforced our bond, created a partnership, declared our love, made our future.

The ceremony lasted no time at all, I added another ring to my left hand, and the register was signed with Stevie and Chels acting as witnesses. Our photos were taken in the ornate gardens to the rear, were a marquee had been erected for the venue, and all set in beautifully manicured grounds. The rain held off but the storms were heard in the distance, the ocean giving its vapour to aid the attack.

A fairy-tale wedding, indeed. We were, at last, one, our faces showing our love, our friends and family testament to that declaration. Our lives started there, fresh and clean, no more living in the past, no more Anna-Lee, just us, together.

As the evening drifted into night, people departed while others stayed in the hotel with us. I had time to talk to Gee and my Aunt Gee, gossip from home was always welcome, and it was nice having them stay there too. I commented to Gee about the nigh on ten hours he'd spent on a plane. He'd replied that he hadn't actually seen them, he'd taken a few 'pills' and had been doing his own kind of flying. Aunty Gee had cried every time she looked at me, she loved the gown especially, and said Max must be blind if he didn't see how bloody lucky he really was.

The Best Man speech had been hilarious. Stevie dragged up every embarrassing moment from our past. From the terrible way we'd met, to the last face-off we'd had. He'd finished with how he loved us both, with all his heart, and that he was glad Max had, finally, found his soul mate.

'And most of all ... I'm so glad that Max, in his stupid, slow way, and after all these years, has found a good woman crazy enough, and stupid enough, to take on the nightmare he clearly is ... Ladies and Gentlemen ... I give you ... The lovely, Mister and Misses, Maxwell, Charles, Manley ... Thank you ...'

Our first dance together rose a few whoops as we stepped our little circles around the dance floor. In fact, it was lovely right up until I felt a body crush against my back. Stevie's face grinned over my shoulder as we danced in a threesome with me crushed in the sandwich. With his eyes alight and a boyish sparkle, the pride was aglow to Stevie's mischievous face. They started talking about me, over my head, saying I was trapped in the family and there was no way to escape their clutches.

I slid free, quite easily, leaving them to dance together, their laughter a beautiful sound as I boogied off, free of their capture. With fists raised in front of me, shoulders hunched and a big smile on my stoned face, I turned to watch the two most important men in my life. There they were, those great big kids, good cop/bad cop, saint and sinner, but regardless of that, I loved them and, my, what a wonderful memory to linger in.

Walt finally got his dance with me. Dear Gina stood at the side lines, tears in her eyes as she watched us. When the band struck up a Metal track, I saw Gee look over. I smiled and raised my eyebrows in a _shall we_ kind of way. The Jimmy Choo sandals were thrown to one side as I joined him near the front. Me moshing in a silk gown put a smile on a few faces, Max's being one of them.

Stevie and Chelsea were nagged all evening about it being their turn next. They'd already decided they were going to run off and get married on a beach somewhere, quietly, with just family. I'd stood with Max's arm around me, talking shit whilst smoking a joint and drinking Jack. The sight, Max commented, had looked as funny as fuck. He saw his beautiful bride, with a spliff, sinking spirits like water. It sure did put a smile on his and Joey's faces.

Eventually, it was just the four of us sat in the gardens, the night stunning, if a little chilly. Our chairs dragged over near the lake, the garden lights bathing us in a soft glow. Max had given me his jacket, as we sat and chatted with Chelsea and Stevie, his arm draped over my chair, thumb and fingers stroking the back and side of my neck.

They had the Columbian Suite, and we had the Honeymoon Suite (original, huh!), which I hadn't seen, as yet. We smoked and talked, the boys making arrangements for the weeks to come, the touring and the interviews planned. Chels and I praised the day and chatted about how it had been done so well for on the sly. She was pleased about the gown. The design was so simple but so effective.

'... A bit like me, then,' I laughed, a pissed grin on my face.

We ambled back as the time touched 4 a.m. The reception was quiet, only the Doorman walked the glass domed hall and ground floor, touching his hat as we wandered through, hand in hand.

We left the guys as we reached their room. I had no idea where our room was so I was quite happy, trotting along behind Max, looking at the paintings of ships and seascapes and taking it all in. High ceilings arched above our heads, plush carpet crushed below our feet, a nice silence met us around every corner. Palest shades of green adorned the walls and heavy sage drapes hung at floor to ceiling windows with Juliette balconies. Very expensive.

A wide open staircase met us at the end of another hallway. Max walked towards it, still holding my hand, still leading me, and still muttering shit under his breath. Don't ask me what he was saying, I couldn't hear, and to be quite honest, I wasn't really listening, I was turning my head, this way and that.

I'd never, in all my born days, seen a gaff quite as palatial as that place. Max and the boys had stayed in some grand accommodation I'll admit but, wow, The Bay Side was incredible.

A myriad of perfectly carved plasterwork faces smiled out from between grapes and ivy leaves, a mouse here, a bird there. The vaulted roof was decorated with shapes of flowers, a daisy smiled down, a lily, a rose with its petals still closed. I was lost in the detail, my artistic talent paling into insignificance compared to the mastery that I saw before me. They were artists, those creators of characters, those indubitable craftsmen. It was they who captured a time a century ago and consigned it to history, trapped in its white shroud.

Tripping up the first one made me aware we were going up some stairs.

Max laughed at me as I grabbed for the banister. 'Ya little pisshead, be careful, take ya shoes off ... Maybe that'll help ...?'

'Good idea, Mister Manley, I knew I married ya for a reason,' I slurred, looking up at him, peering through the mess of ringlets over my eyes, smiling.

His words slipped from his sexy mouth. 'God, ya look so damn horny like that ... I'm so gonna fuck ya in that dress ...'

The lights on the huge chandelier caught in his eyes, the twinkle, bright as stars. He came down the two steps between us to stand beside me. He dipped once to scoop me into his arms. Almost running up the stairs, he headed for our solitary retreat.

'I'm not sure where the threshold is, Misses Manley, so I'll put ya down here ...'

He dropped my feet to the ground and kissed my smiling lips.

'Thank you, Mister Manley,' I answered, and then kissed him back.

I took his hand as we wandered from room to room. I couldn't quite take it all in. Did we really have that sort of money? Well, I guess he did, he'd done it, hadn't he?

The 'Honeymoon Suite' consisted of an entire landing to us, alone. We had a games room, bar area, balcony with hot tub, there was a lounge with open fire, and the most amazing bedroom I'd ever seen.

The super king-size, four-poster bed took up only a small part of the room. Again, the ornate plasterwork ran as coving around the roof. A huge plaster rose surrounded the chain supporting crystal droplets in a spiral, the twinkles making them seem like diamonds in the light.

Claret drapes hung in long folds around the bed, and either side of the eight foot high windows and balcony doors. The plush red carpet ran the full floor except the vast bathroom. That was white Italian marble.

With its Olympic size bath, twenty people could get in, it was a three minute walk from the toilet to hand basins. I say basins because we had one each. I had to smile at the opulence. The gold and rose granite shower would have held a party. I reckoned you could get at least fifteen people inside it, Max thought only ten.

As I wandered from lovely room to lovely room, I heard Champagne being popped open. Max had found the bar then. I ambled back to him. He was sat in a low leather couch before an open fire, lights dimmed down a little, music playing, softly. I stood with my arms crossed, leant on the door frame, watching him.

His head turned and, smiling, he raised his glass toward me, took a gulp, swallowed, then followed it with a loud 'Arh ...'

Gorgeous, in any clothes, in any light, at any time, I was in awe. His soft curls were tucked behind his ears, his face, alive and flawless. His eyes shone as I'd never seen them before, clear, deep, beautiful. The red shirt suited him, and sat well against his skin tone, the cuffs turned back revealing his tanned forearms.

I walked to where he sat, sipping from his flute. Taking the glass he offered up, I sank down into the cushions next to him and sipped my drink.

'Well, that was one hell of a day ... Thank you for making it so perfect ... It was amazing, and I love you, very much ...'

A smile raised the corner of my lips as I looked into his eyes. I could see the fire reflected there.

'That's okay, baby, I'm glad ya feel that way ... I was kinda worried for a while there ya was gonna say, Jesus, hell, no, I ain't gonna marry you, ya dumb fuck.'

He snorted out a laugh, his eyes slowly drifting to the fire.

'You're not a dumb fuck, honey,' I said, smiling down at my glass, 'a fucking arsehole, sometimes, yes ... But never a dumb fuck ...'

I giggled and then took a swig of my Champagne, the bubbles popping on the roof of my mouth.

'Arh, that's so sweet of you ... And I love ya too ...'

Glaring at me sideways, he then giggled like a child. He was taking the piss, as usual.

'Do ya want to hear a fantasy of mine,' he asked, after swigging down half his glass in one. 'It's one I've been having all afternoon and evening?'

He paused as a new kind of fire rose in his eyes.

'I've fantasised about screwing ya in that dress on that pool table ... I don't suppose ya been thinking that too, have ya?' His smile hung there in hope of it actually happening.

I looked at him with raised eyebrows. 'I had thought our first lovemaking session, after we were married, would be in a rather more romantic setting. Doing it over a hotel pool table wasn't quite what I had in mind, I must confess so, no, I don't share that one with you, honey, sorry ..'

I kissed him softly on the corner of his mouth. His hand came up and brushed my cheek, his warm touches always welcome.

'Not over it, honey,' he chuckled, 'I want ya sat on it ...'

'Oh, right, silly me for getting that wrong ... I thought you'd want to do something a little more, well, you know, adventurous,' I smiled. 'Maybe, something that'd be more exciting even ... Something like, doing it in the hot tub out on our balcony?' I almost whispered the last few words.

He watched as my gaze moved to the doors beyond, and then came back to rest on him, a devilish grin spreading over my lips.

'First ... I gotta do ya in that dress, hon ... Let's do my fantasy first and then finish it in the tub ... Does that sound like a deal?'

'... You and your bloody deals.' I paused to take a drink. 'Okay ... Deal ...'

I was amazed at how easily I caved, again.

A dirty grin touched his lips as he stood, held out his hand, and waited for mine to be placed into it. I put my glass on the table and allowed myself to be led away to the pool room. The light from the hall threw a long strip across the floor and up the far wall. I moved to turn the table lights on, but he caught my arm and said he wanted it as it was, half lit.

He walked me over and lifted me, by the waist, up onto the edge. My hands gripped the thick wooden lip, as he crouched down to my ankles and slid his hands up the entire length of my legs. When they touched flesh at the tops of my silk stockings, I think my suspenders were a welcome surprise.

Blue eyes turned up towards me as his fingers found the top of my panties, which were removed and stuffed into the corner pocket next to me. Max thought we should leave them there as a gift. It'd give House Keeping something to gossip about when we'd gone. I had to giggle at that thought.

One hand moved to his flies as the other started its game with my purr department. His knuckles gently brushed over my most sensitive of spots, the rush already starting in my ears. Pulses ran my body as I watched him with that dirty grin on his face. What followed was everything Max had hoped for. He got his twenty minutes of thigh exercises and his grunt-fest, as I did lots of cooing whilst holding on for dear life.

We did get to shag in the hot tub, but not till the next evening when it was pissing down with rain. We didn't really care. We were going to get wet in more ways than one anyway, weren't we?

That lovely suite was our home for a week, after which he whisked me off for a fortnight in a Scottish castle near Loch Lomond. Haunted, apparently, but we didn't hear or see anything, mores the pity. We walked miles, and had fantastic nights in little pubs drinking whiskey and singing folk songs.

On one visit, Max used one of the band's guitars to sing and play a song his Pa had taught him as a kid. The room was silent as his voice touched the hearts of those strangers. When he'd finished, it was so quiet, I had to start the clapping. Everyone had been lost in its melancholy tune. They'd slapped his back and given him more whiskey. We walked back to the hotel reeling that night, and the pair of us slept very well, thank you.

Our love was expressed as, and when, we wanted, afternoon loving on the huge bed, late night loving on the couch, or before our open fire. The days fleeted past, most of them caught in my camera to show family when we got home. The countryside was breath-taking, and everywhere we went more history oozed from the cracks in the road. It was a place I'd never been, and a place I'll not forget in a hurry. It captured both our hearts.

Starting All Over Again

When I peruse the photographs of the wedding, we look so amazing, him in his suit, me in my beautiful gown. The faces of the people are a constant reminder that is was a stunning day, and that we could love each other without fear of hurt and sadness. The month leading up to that day had Max and me spinning round and crashing down one minute, then soaring high on the wings of love the next. We'd fought, argued, and separated over a lie. I'd deserted him and rented a house miles away. Wanting to be without him seemed like a crazy idea after the event, and I could no more live without Max as I could without taking a breath.

That year hadn't been what was I was expecting. The move there had gone so well, I was waiting for a break in the blue sky of our lives. It had, inevitably, arrived with her name attached, but, she'd tried and failed, again. Max wasn't the same arsehole she'd led around by the dick for all those years. He didn't think about her, mention her name, or even discuss the residue of the shit she'd caused. Once we were hitched, she simply evaporated from our lives, no stink, no trauma, just gone.

Our lives intertwined into a mosaic of love, good times, and all the things we'd hoped it could be. He seldom lost his rag, and his attitude to life took an amazing turn for the better, after he'd found his soul mate. We worked together, laughed together, I went on tour with him, and we loved unconditionally. There were nights when our passion would take the breath from my lungs, to leave me hollow but still wanting more. My fears slowly ebbed away into a misty fog of dream, and there was nothing to keep me from him, he was all mine.

I've watched him from the side of the stage, my action man, giving the crowd some, keeping them hungry, keeping them moving. That's what he does to me, shows me a little and then watches me drown as he does what he does best. I get the horn seeing him there, doing his thing, playing and singing himself into everybody's heads. He'll hold a horde of thousands in his hands, taking them to another level with his gritty voice and awesome playing.

Now, that turned me on, always had and always would, and he so knew it.

'I can't believe you arranged all that behind my back. You do my head right in sometimes, Mister Manley.' I kissed him gently, his eyes never leaving my face.

We were sat on the swing, wrapped in a blanket, at the house in Silver Spring. It was our first Thanksgiving as man and wife, us, alone, no family, it was like another Honeymoon. The temperature had dropped below freezing on several occasions, and Christmas wasn't that far away, but we didn't care.

'Well, I tried my best to get it right for ya. Stevie, Ma and Chels are as much to blame as I am. The morning I went missing, Stevie took me to the airport ... Our timing was shit hot ... And when ya thought he was ringing Ma and Chels, looking for me ... Well, he was telling them I was on my way, and that he'd see them both when he got there, after ya threw him out,' he smiled, sweetly. 'So, I'm hoping ya approved of the way it was done, and the unexpected location, Misses Manley?'

He kissed me back as that smile held his face inches away from mine.

'... I've just one more secret left to tell ...'

His face was suddenly serious and I had a bad feeling sink down inside of me.

'You have secrets? What secrets? Don't spring stuff like that on me, Max, I instantly have a certain name come to mind.'

My face turned at an angle to look at him.

Sat huddled up in each other's arms he continued with, 'Well, it has nothing to do with her, you'll be pleased to hear ... But, I have to confess, it did take me a few weeks to work out what I was gonna get ya as a wedding present ...'

With his face turned away from me, his eyes scanned the trees in the distance, squinting slightly. Max was playing with my head, and I hated it.

He looked at me sideways as I asked, 'Max, what have you done?'

My gaze was fixed on him as a slow smile spread across his forever kissable lips.

'... A little bird told me about a place, in the country, that was up for sale,' he said to the yard. 'As a surprise, I kinda bought it for ya ... I know, I know, we said our next place was gonna be a joint decision ... But ... I just wanted to do this one thing for ya, baby.'

His face came round to me again, the smile still beaming.

'Oh, sweetie ... Where is it, where is it? Tell me, tell me?'

My excitement rose as he chuckled, his eyes, sparkling blue.

Squeezing his arms around my cold torso he whispered, '... Right here ... I bought this place ...'

He then waited.

I exploded from the swing. The blanket went flying as I moved down onto the lawn looking back at him, my feet sinking into the cold, white layer, ankle deep.

'Oh, my, fucking ... You bought this place?'

My head was swimming as his words slowly sank in.

'You mean to say ... It's ours? ... Forever? ... Really?'

'Well, actually, it's yours, forever ... Really,' he laughed at me.

I threw myself into his arms, my lips against his, knees in the snow between his feet, our breath a tangible stream.

'Ha, I got a present for you, too.' My eyes studied his. 'Well, it's a Thanksgiving, dash Birthday, dash Christmas, dash wedding present, all bundled up together, I guess ... I had to wait to make sure, but it was confirmed yesterday, I was just waiting for the right time to tell you,' I smiled up at his gorgeous face. 'Honey ... How would you feel about becoming a Daddy ...?'

I counted as I watched the words sink in, 3, 2 ... and 1.

His face illuminated as he stood up before me.

'... I'm gonna be a ... ? Ya gonna have a ...? We're gonna be ...?'

I nodded as he spoke, not one of his sentences finished.

'... Are ya okay? Do ya need to sit down? Is there anything ya want?' he babbled.

Laughing aloud, the sound, a wonderful thing to hear, he lifted me up and sat me on the swing. He wrapped the blanket around me, fearing I might freeze to death in a moment, then, sitting next to me, he placed his left hand on my belly.

'He's in there, is he?' he asked, in almost a whisper.

His eyes were scanning my torso as if he'd caught a glimpse of a baby's shape. The smile he gave was that of a father to son, proud, possessive and protective.

'Yep, he's in there, alright,' I giggled.

'And ya doing okay? The Doc's happy and everything's fine, yeah?'

'Everything is very fine,' I replied, laughing. 'I'm feeling very well, I haven't had any morning sickness ... And there's nothing to worry about ... Yet ...'

'Why ya say yet?' he asked, his face looking concerned.

'Sweetie, we have to remember I'm not a spring chicken anymore. I'm nearly forty, for fuck sake. I'm gonna find it harder as we get nearer to the date ... You have to help me, I'm gonna need you with me to hold my hand ... I'm kinda worried about this ...'

'Arh, there's nothing to worry about, sugar ... We'll be just fine, trust me ... I'll be right there beside ya, all the God damn way, okay?'

His hand took mine and, after kissing the back of it, he held it to his cheek.

'When do we get to see him then?'

'The first scan's next week ... Can ya wait that long to meet your son, if it is? I'm due the end of next May, by all accounts ... And don't be hurt if it's a girl ...'

I was watching his serious face as a grin took hold of his lips.

'I reckon I can wait that long ... And I don't mind, either's good, cuz they'll be so damn good looking, with their Mama's hair and eyes ... I can't wait to tell everyone ... Ma is gonna flip over this,' he chuckled to himself, before continuing. 'Uncle Stevie and Aunt Chels, huh ... I can't wait to see their fucking faces ...'

So, in the grand scheme of things, life was pretty bloody good. We'd come so far together, growing in mind, body and soul as time passed. We'd been given the gift of new life, which would create the family unit Max had secretly longed for. He would never admit it, but he'd wanted to be a Daddy for a while, Anna-Lee's baby had shown him that. I think, in an odd kind of way, he'd enjoy the growing and learning side, to teach and guide, that's Max, very much so. Now he was going to get his chance to fulfil his little dreams with our child. He was blown away.

Craig bought the company for a very nice price, and it left me well heeled. He also wanted me to work from home, as a consultant, for a tidy sum a year. Nice wedding present. I was so impressed I accepted on the spot.

The time that followed was to show Max and I how two lives can change, so much, from being touched by another. We had all the time in the world to grow, love and watch our destiny play out its moves. We'd faced so much, we knew we'd face it all in the end, but, if we stuck together, worked with love and understanding, we knew we'd cope with anything fate chucked at us. It was all about our future at that point, us and the baby I carried.

So, with that, our two lives become one, and a whole new chapter opened its pages up for us to write, together.

**PART 3**

Dreaming's For Fools

We grinned like silly sods as we looked at the sepia image of our baby boy, the one we'd just been given by Doc Rogers. We walked, hand in hand, from the private surgery in Calgary, and into a snow storm that would shut England down for a month.

Having driven over in the 4x4, we weren't going to have any problems getting home. November sometimes being a harsh month in the mountains, the drive down to the lodge was left treacherous with black ice and compacted snow. The firs were covered in a frosting that sparkled in the sunlight, the stream, ice edged, the meadow, hidden beneath its wintery gown. It all looked extremely poetic to me, but then, I didn't have to go out in it that often, did I?

Since Max had learnt of the impending birth, he'd not let me do a bloody thing. He spent a week turning the guest suite, next to ours, into the most amazing place to lose a child, temporarily of course. The nursery had musical notes, in bright colours, against a pastel blue wall. Behind the racing car cot, a wall of animals, forming a band, played funky instruments, each one as cute as the next.

It was lovely and took him, personally, long hours to achieve. Regardless of the tantrums, when he couldn't get it right, he persevered and got there in the end. I was very proud of him, a devoted Daddy, indeed.

I was allowed to carry on working from home, but my office had been stripped from my retreat by the stream and was, at that time, occupying the dining room. What made me laugh was the view from my office window hadn't actually changed. From the new location I could still see my meadow and the mountains beyond, that was enough for me. And from that elevated stop, the distance was a sight to witness and, on a clear day, breath-taking.

Alas, the Weeping Willow painting was a regular dream I was to have. In the end, Max had half a dozen huge canvases delivered, so I could try to recreate what I'd dreamt. The more I sketched, the nearer I got to my vision hanging above the fireplace in that stunning room. It occupied my mind while we were snowed in. Without it, I think, I would have either died from boredom, or killed someone out of frustration. My favourite finished painting was hung in the games room above the couch. Max thought it was a kick-ass painting and spent weeks telling anyone who'd listen how great it was.

The house at Silver Spring was closed down for winter, and Winnie was keeping an eye on it for me. Max wouldn't let me go anywhere, while the snow storms raged around us, so he was taking a drive over, every so often, just to check it out. He always made sure he stopped in McCall's for a drink and, on his return, he'd have a list of gossip and a host of people who sent their love.

I was just starting to look rather plump round the midriff when we decided to tell the family. To me it looked like a pot belly. It rounded out over my leggings, jeans as uncomfortable as hell. Max would smile as he ran a hand over it and laugh about a little person being in there. He found that incredible, new life in a woman's body.

We arranged another famous Sunday roast but, this time, it was indoors and without any tantrums. I made sure I had my camera at hand to capture the looks when we told them our secret. Their reactions were brilliant, I knew they wouldn't let us down.

'Guys ... Tee and I got something we need to say to ya,' Max announced with a serious look.

He turned to me, smiled, when I nodded, and then turned back to the faces at the table.

I picked my camera up, from by my chair leg, then sat with it in my lap, still looking at Max as he spoke.

'... We decided ... There's gonna be a few changes made round here ...'

And still the serious look.

Beth gazed over at me, then over at Stevie and Chelsea, a touch of a smile on her lips, her eyes twinkling.

He continued with, 'The first thing we gotta do is ... Put a baby-gate on the stairs down to the studio ...'

We waited as I made ready with my camera. Silence. A pin dropping would have made you hear something, anything. I saw the information compute, eyes grew wide as faces were invaded with smiles. At the moment of connection, I caught the reaction.

One at a time, they got it and, as I'd imagined, it was spontaneous. Beth's face became covered in a smile so big all you saw were teeth and eyes. Chels burst into tears, repeating she was going to be an Aunt, over and over, and Stevie, well.

'... Sweet Jesus, ya son of a ...'

Stevie leapt from his chair and launched himself at Max, bear hugging the breath from his little brother.

'Bro, I take it all back, ya ain't a Numb Nuts after all ... I'm right proud for ya ... Ya dirty little ...' he laughed, his face alight with a joy we all came to share.

He moved to me next. 'Well, little sis, seems ya achieved the God damn impossible ... Ya gone an made the stupid kid turn into a big ole family man .... Congratulations ... Both of ya ...'

I stood to be engulfed by a Stevie hug, Beth and Chelsea joining in, Chelsea wiping away her tears on Stevie's back. I watched as Beth moved to Max and stroked his face before kissing him, her emotion, and pride, evident across her tear touched features. Seems it was the news that they'd all been waiting to hear. Yet again, our lives just kept on giving.

Stevie, Chels, Beth and I had been planning Max's birthday for weeks. We booked the Regency Hotel in Calgary, lock, stock and barrel. All the invites had gone out, and everything was coming together nicely. He wanted to have it there. We'd already stayed a few nights in the Boston Suite, very nice with its sunken bath and king-size four-poster. When I'd asked him what else he'd wanted for his birthday, he'd said he had everything, what with the baby and me.

'What else could a man possibly want? I got a beautiful wife who's having my kid. I don't think it comes any better than that, honey!' he'd smiled, as he kissed me.

Stevie and I had arranged a special surprise between us. Stevie had come up with the idea. I was asked if I wanted to sing a song as Max's birthday present.

I thought it was a bad idea at first. 'Me, sing? ... You're 'avin a laugh, mate ...'

Stevie decided it should be along the lines of Chelsea's, but with the addition of a girly backing group and a string section. I sat and wrote some lyrics, telling the other half I was working on a book, using the best words I could find. Stevie then went over them with me in the studio, on the quiet, or as soon as Max left for Silver Spring, usually.

He'd go check the house and stop over so he could have a few bevies with Walt and Vern. A pastime he openly enjoyed which, also, gave us precious time to work on the song. Stevie and Chelsea would rush over and we'd rehearse like crazy.

With the words half-done Stevie then wrote a tune, with the help of Mickey Markwell, who turned out to be a really nice guy. He certainly knew his stuff, you name it and he could play it. He even found me a Voice Coach which, I can tell you, helped immensely. The confidence boost was excellent and she was well worth her weight in gold to me.

I was learning to sing as I went, and thought I sounded shit, till I heard a playback. At first I didn't recognise myself, and certainly didn't believe that the voice I could hear was actually me. Even Chels was impressed.

'Jesus, sugar, if I could sing and write lyrics like that ... I'd be as rich as him,' she'd laughed, nodding towards Stevie.

We somehow achieved a dress rehearsal at the hotel without Max finding out. Beth volunteered him to help with a few tasks she couldn't handle. Stevie had rung her, giving her a few lines to feed him, and Max, bless his heart, fell for it every time.

Everybody was told by Stevie that if the secret was leaked, everybody would be canned from the crew, and he wasn't fucking about either. This was a real project for him and no messing. He took it very seriously so, therefore, should everybody else. I wanted it to be perfect, but Stevie wasn't going to let me overdo it either.

'Ya gotta take it easy, hon ... The sole heir of the Manley Dynasty is in there ... If ya don't slow down a little, I'm gonna have to ground ya, okay?' he smiled at me.

I tutted, 'Okay, Dad ,' and stuck my tongue out at him, before sitting down with my arms crossed and the look of a scalded teenager.

'That's my girl,' he chuckled, patting me on the head, as he walked off to the mixing desks to run the playback, again.

I spent the next twenty-four hours in bed because I felt lousy, aching, tired and grumpy. Thinking my hormones were having one on me, I resigned myself to rest. Max waited on me, hand and foot, nothing was too much of a task for him. He was so lovely, attending to my every need, with kisses on tap to cheer me up.

There were only five days to go, and we both wanted me to be better for the big night. I couldn't not go after all that exhaustingly hard work.

We arrived at the hotel for midday. I wanted to get settled and ready for the evening without a rush on my hands, I still didn't feel a hundred percent. Max had told me the first moment I looked tired, I was off to bed, even if he had to carry me back to our suite, kicking and screaming. I'd said I'd be good and that he shouldn't worry about me. I had about twenty people watching over me, I couldn't lift a finger without someone stepping in to help. I must say, it was nice at first, and I know they all meant well but, as the weeks wore on, it started to tick me off some.

We did the guest greeting thing. Max, stunning in his white silk shirt and black suit, ambled around escorting his overtired wife. I'd had an outfit specially made for me, by House of Rachael, white silk, gold sequin detail to the neckline and straps, loose from under the bust. It reminded me of a short toga, floaty and with plenty of room for the pot belly.

Stevie arranged a crafty one. He had the girl backing group, the string section and a band, which was made up from session musicians, playing the music to which we could all dance. The ballroom was huge and the permanent stage was a God send. It had all fallen into place with exact precision, Stevie made sure of that.

I was stood talking with Craig Taylor, along with several other people, when Stevie appeared at my elbow.

'May I have this dance, sugar?'

He produced his arm for me to take then led me to the dance floor.

'Everything's in place ... We got about five minutes ... Ya nervous?'

His voice was a whisper into my ear as we swayed to the music.

I looked around the room for Max. 'Well, I am now ... I wasn't till you just asked me, ya doughnut ... Now I'm starting to get that stomach churning thing ... Is it normal to want to spew?'

He chuckled, 'Ah, don't worry, sis, ya'll be just fine when ya get up there, you'll see ... And besides, I'll be right there with ya, so ya got nothing to worry about, have ya? ... Trust me ...'

He kissed my cheek and took my hand, leading me through the crowd.

I couldn't see Max, anywhere, as me made our way to the side door, which took you to the back of the stage. Dan and Jake were waiting for us as we walked the short corridor.

'Now, we're on in a moment,' Stevie said, his excitement written all over his face, his arm at my waist as he explained what was about to happen.

The plan was, when the next song finished, the curtains would close and the band would exit, stage right, going for their break, leaving the string section behind. The guys could then go on and get ready, them, with their instruments, and me, front, centre stage. Stevie would make an announcement, getting Max into the ballroom, and when we got the nod he was visible, the music would start, the curtains would open, and the show would begin. Well, that was the plan anyway.

I hurried to the ladies, quickly, in fear that my bladder would burst in front of all those people. I was so nervous I was nearly peeing myself with stage fright. I told myself in the mirror that I was being silly and I was doing it for Max. I stood and chilled out in the coolness of the room, getting my nerve ready and willing.

Chels appearing was a good thing, and she wished me luck, the kiss and hug giving me a little more confidence. I said I was as nervous as hell, so she reminded me of how well all the practice sessions had gone. I could feel the blood draining from my face as the reality of the moment dawned on me. At that moment, I just had to throw up.

Chelsea, bless her, was behind me, oozing sympathy. She thought maybe I should pull out, but I replied, I so wanted to do it for Max, and just couldn't let Stevie down, I'd never forgive myself.

It was as I was walking to the stage that the twinges started, like a period pain, but higher up, under my belly button. Taking it as a movement within me, I smiled a secret smile and headed for the steps. As I placed my foot on the first one, the twinge came again, only harder, making my hand go to my belly to rub it. I blew it off once more, as I ascended the steps.

When the next one came, I went down, belly first, onto the rest of them, my legs giving way. No one saw me berating myself for my unstable step, whilst getting up and walking on, straight for the microphone, front and centre.

'Girlypeeps and gentledudes,' Stevie's voice cut in over the noise beyond the curtains, 'can I have ya attention, please? Thankin ya kindly.'

He was looking round the edge of the curtain as he spoke.

'Can Max come to the ballroom? Hey, bro, get ya ass in here, like now, will ya, please ...'

We waited until Stevie got the thumbs up from Joey that Max was in the room at last. We could hear the murmur as the guests filed in from the bars and various seating areas. Stevie said Max was stood with Ma and Chelsea. There were a lot of questions being asked and everybody wanted to know what the hell was going on. As the lights dimmed, a hush fell over the room.

Stevie looked over to me and smiled before continuing.

'Ladies and Gentleman, tonight, and for one night only ... To sing her debut song, You're All I See, please, put your hands together and welcome ... The lovely ... The crazy ... The slightly pregnant but, still, real cute ... Tee, A, Manley ... Thank you ...'

The strings came in first, a lovely collection of building notes, sweet and sentimental. As the acoustic guitars chimed in, I could feel my stomach turning itself over and knotting up. I was just about holding it together when Stevie ran over, hugged and kissed me, then returned to his spot to give the curtain guy the nod. The sensation that flooded through me, as I watched those red drapes part was, without a doubt, more amazing than graduating.

The guests faces all turned up to me and my big nervous smile. I closed my eyes and let the words come on cue, my timing perfect. I sought him out to tell him, together, we could face anything and make it through, because my faith in him was strong enough to carry me. He needed to know he held my heart in the palm of his hand, and that's exactly where it needed to be.

I opened my eyes, again, to see Max at the front with Beth and Chels. The two ladies were hugging each other and beaming at me on stage. Max's eyes didn't leave me, once, as I sang to him. My voice rose, the power making me step back a little. I was getting the feel for it, and I liked it.

I guess I was about half way through when I got a funny sinking feeling start in my belly and wash over me. I took hold of the stand and used it to steady myself, the dropping away pulling at my insides. The dull ache, a new sensation, made me look down at Max, again, but he was looking a little bit blurred, and I also noted people's faces had stopped smiling.

Max started to push his way along the front of the stage towards the door, he was saying something but I couldn't hear his words. I saw him pointing at me, his face concerned. I was made aware that something was very wrong. Beth and Chelsea's faces looked up in horror as my voice started to falter. The music became fewer instruments as the gravity of the situation started to take hold of the room.

I felt a cold rush chase through my torso, as I looked down to where everybody's eyes were focusing. My legs had blood down the inside of them, it was nearly to my calves by the time I'd even felt it. My silk dress had this awful red tie-dye effect appearing at the hem, slowly, it was working its way up. My hand went down to a thigh and came back as red as bull's blood, the image, forever burnt into my mind.

I looked round for Max on the verge of panic. The last thing I saw was him, moving in slow motion across the stage towards me with big tears in his eyes, shouting,'... BABY ... LOOK AT ME, HONEY ... FOCUS, ON, ME ...'

I reached for him as I started to go down. Showing him my tainted hand, the darkness took me for a reason. Stevie caught me in his arms as an ear splitting scream pierced the room. My body was rejecting our beautiful baby boy.

The Story of Us

'Sorry, Max, Tee ain't seeing any visitors today ...' Joey's voice had a sympathetic ring to it. He was on watch outside my door, on my request.

'Yeah, right ... I'm her damn husband ... Who says she can't see me?' Max's anger started to show. 'I need to see my wife, Joey ... Get outta my God damn way ... Please,' he pleaded.

'Sorry, mate, but, no ... It's her request not to see anyone, you included ... Please leave it, Max ...'

Joey stood, barring my door, medical staff only. His feet suddenly parted, his arms came up to cross, and his stance was defined. He didn't need to touch Max to stop him from taking one step into my private room, he was the door. If you wanted to enter, you had to go through him first.

I could see Max through the window, his devastated look, the bouquet clenched in his fist. Turning my pale emotionless face away to the hospital window, my sorrow wept from every pore, my tears forming a steady stream.

Losing myself in my utter misery, my tortuous despair, and my cavernous broken heart, my hollow being crumbled inside, as the weight of it all came down over me, raging in a tide of burning guilt. There was nothing left inside me. I was a shell, an empty vessel and, so, I shut myself away in my little broken world, so as to grieve for my little lost boy.

Oh, and I never had the Weeping Willow dream again, funny that. She'd obviously played out her part in my subconscious. Isn't it funny how the mind interprets what our bodies and emotions experience. I guess it's a bit like Chinese Whispers in a way. Starts as one thing and ends up something completely different. The painting still hangs on the wall as a small reminder of the time I carried life within me, and I shall always smile, every time I see it.

When people explain how an event pans out, it always has several versions. Everybody sees it in a different way. The pain of loss is one thing and, when I blamed myself, I guess that was inevitable. Max didn't, but then I didn't see that much of him, as it happens. I couldn't look at him and see myself in his eyes. When I did see him, I saw our child, and could only turn away in agony and tears. He was much the same, the sadness reflecting in his lovely face. I couldn't console him and, so, he suffered alone.

As the days slunk by, we became more distant, he lost himself in the studio, I stayed in bed, drinking. Me and Mister Jack renewed an old friendship. I spent most of my time with him at my side. I needed something to retreat into, and it might as well have been a bottle of Jack. Don't get me wrong, I would have drunk any spirits you put in front of me, I wasn't that fussy at the time.

My birthday was the next family event, the first day of December. I think they'd been trying to arrange something with Max, but he wasn't feeling it. Me, I didn't even want to see people. I couldn't stand to hear their sympathetic words or see their caring faces. I hated myself enough without having to hide it for the sake of others.

It was our only chance of a child, and I'd screwed it up. Doc Rogers had sat and told me, in my hospital bed, that there would be no more babies for me. To be quite honest, I didn't want to celebrate another birthday. I was dying inside and a party was the last thing I needed, and to be reminded of a birth, well...

'Tee?' Came the soft voice round our bedroom door.

It was mid-afternoon and the blinds were still shut. I was alone, as usual. Max had taken to sleeping in another room, or downstairs, or on the couch, depending on where and how pissed-up he got.

My teary eyes turned to the door to see Chelsea's face. My blank expression recognised her but didn't acknowledge the connection. I turned away, my dead eyes looking back to the far wall.

'What?' My voice was low and dull.

'Honey ... Ya gotta eat something ... Please ...' She walked to the bed with a dish of chicken soup and sat near my curled up legs.

I was in a ball of hurt and pain, arms clutching my legs to my torso, face against my knees. She could see how it was, it was plain as day on my face. The smell from the dish triggered my gagging reflex. I found it hard to hide my reaction.

'I love ya Chels but, please ... Go away ...'

My voice shook with more tears as my hand rose to my mouth to fight the rising tide.

'Honey ... I know ya breaking inside, and I wish I could help and make it all go away ... But I can't ... Tell me, please ... Is there anything, anything at all, I can do?'

Her voice was shaking the same as mine, her pain obvious in other ways.

'Yeah ... There is one thing ...' My eyes turned towards her as a tear run down my cheek. 'You couldn't get me another bottle of Jack from the bar, could ya? I seem to have run out.'

My eyes, a paler grey than usual, stared at her as she sighed loudly.

'Drinking ain't gonna help, honey ... Ya gotta find yaself again ... Everybody loves ya here ... And Max is breaking too ... Ya ain't alone in this ...' Her voice sounded gentle and well meaning.

I climbed from the bed, reeking of sorrow. Sweaty and stale, I stalked from our room, silk robe over vest and shorts, heading straight for the bar, Chelsea rapidly following.

'... Get it my fucking self then,' I bitched as I reached for a fresh glass and bottle.

Chelsea, her dish of soup, and her sad face, perched on a tall stool to watch over me. The band were in the basement, I could feel the drums and bass vibrating beneath my feet, the feeling giving some small comfort. The three shots of Jack were consigned to my gob in quick succession. I never took my eyes from Chelsea's face.

'You wanna hear something really funny ... No, this'll have you peeing your pants, Chels ...'

My gaze slowly moved round to land on the painting of Weeping Willow, my mouth slowly curling up at the edges, a laugh bubbling under my words.

'... I think I'm goin fucking nuts ... Get this ... See, the baby, crying, wakes me in the night ... Wait, it gets better, and this is the real fucked up bit ... I didn't know how to stop it,' I whispered, shaking my head, the last of my words chuckled behind the hand that held the half empty glass.

Watery grey eyes turned to the large window, my voice in a dream, just about heard.

'How fucked up am I? It's become a constant noise in my head, the sad wailing ... Starts real quiet,' the heel of my hand bounced against my temple, my Jack spilling from the glass, 'and then it gets louder and louder and louder ...' Suddenly I was back to normal volume. 'It won't let me sleep, Chels ... It just goes on and on and on ....'

My head dropped forward, chin as low as it would go, eyes closed, total escape.

'I need time out ... I need to get the fuck away from here ... I need to lose myself or something, just for a while ... I need to be somewhere else right now, I know that much ... It's not good, me being here ... Not with the nursery just there, and the things and the stuff ... It's shit and I hate it ... I'm sorry, but I can't look at it anymore, I can't wake up and it still be there ... It hurts too much,' I smiled, feebly, as my big tears dripped onto the bar top. 'I just want out, Chels ... I just want out ...'

'... Will ya be going alone, then?' Max's sad voice asked from the door. He looked tired, dishevelled, deflated.

Walking a few paces into the room he leant against the pool table, arms and ankles crossed. Asking Chels if we could have a few moments together, alone, she ambled from the room, a look of concern on her beautiful face, cooling soup still sat in her hands.

'Whatever it is, I don't want to hear it, Max ...'

My gaze, from under already lowered brows, rested on him, as I stood, arms limp, Jack bottle in one hand and glass in the other.

'I think it's about time you and me had a little chat ... There's a few things I need to say to ya.'

He moved to the door, as he spoke, to push it shut, then he went back to his spot by the pool table.

Another Jack shot disappeared into me. He moved to the bar to take the bottle. I snatched it away before he could spoil it by doing that. Empty fingertips touched as he sat on a stool, shaking his head.

'... Too slow ...' I chuckled.

'Tee, please ... Darlin, we gotta do it at some point, huh!'

'Max, I don't have to do anything ... Just leave me alone ... No doubt, I'll get over it and get on with it ... Isn't that what I always do? Oh, cue my favourite line ... Whatever it takes ... Don't worry, honey, ' I smiled, 'it'll all blow over ... I'll be right as rain, come fucking Christmas ... We can all have a big party to celebrate the gloriously shitty year we've all just endured ... How's that sound?'

I held the grin under glazed, grey eyes, my slightly pissed speech sounding uncaringly over happy.

He moved nearer to lean with his arms, stretched, supporting himself against the edge of the bar. I took a step backwards so I could sink another Jack into my waiting mouth, the burn on my gums feeling good.

'I ain't gonna watch us rip ourselves apart over this ... Yeah, okay, our baby's gone, but we're still here ... And I still love you ... I don't want this staying a line a shit between us ... Why ya being like this with me? I want ya to want me again ... Why's that so hard for ya?'

His voice was a shaky collection of noises.

I looked at him, my eyes holding back more tears, and implored, 'Why you doing this to me, Max? I don't need this right now, please, go away, just leave me alone ...'

He wasn't listening. 'We gotta talk about this ... I lost too ... It ain't just you ... Why won't ya let me in, honey? Why?'

'Because, every time I look at you and look at me, I see what I've done, Max ...'

Tears skipped down my face and dripped onto the floor.

'And I blame myself for it, don't ya see ... I DID THIS ... ME ...'

I slowly wound myself up and, finally, screamed the last four words at him.

The hand holding the bottle came up and over the bar, as I launched the brown fluid, in its container, across the void at the Willow painting on the wall. Glass exploded against the wooden panels above, as Jack and shards rained down over the brown leather armchair below. He ducked to one side as my actions became obvious, his face agog at my new found anger.

'Please ... Leave me the fuck alone,' I whispered.

I stormed for the door, my robe floating out behind me. He was there before I reached it, his hand to the wood, blocking my way.

I looked sideways, into his blue eyes rimmed with tears of rage, as he said, 'Ya ain't leaving yet ... Not till we talk about this ...' His serious voice was hard and demanding.

'If ya don't let me out, this is gonna get real messy ... And I don't want to say anything I might regret later ... Please, Max ... Let me go ...'

My face turned towards the shut door blocking my exit, my voice fading in a vain attempt at holding back a sadness that wasn't quite hidden.

He stepped in front of me and leant with his back against the wood, arms crossed in a defiant way, face set with hard features, eyes on me.

'I don't care what the fuck ya say ... Ya ain't leaving this damn room till we talk about this, even if it takes the rest of my fucking life, we are gonna do this ... Ya can scream and rant, ya can slap me in the face, even punch me in the damn nuts ... But we don't leave this damn room till we do this.'

I looked round at the balcony door. The two foot of snow not much of a barrier between me and freedom. I'd do it in bare feet and dressing gown, just to get away. I had spare clobber down in my studio and it wasn't that much of a mission to get there. He clocked my gaze and, looking from the doors back to me, did one of his fake grins, quickly.

'It ain't no good going that way ... It's locked and the keys are in the kitchen ... Sorry ...'

I walked back to the bar and pulled another Jack bottle from the shelf. Cracking it open, I drank several intermittent swigs from the top. I didn't take my eyes off him. I wiped my mouth with the back of my hand, the liquor catching my breath. Wandering over, I plonked into the suede couch, bottle in hand. He didn't move.

'So, come on then, say what ya gotta say, then I can get the fuck outta here ... Hurry up 'cause I'm getting bored now,' I slurred at him, tears fresh on my cheeks.

He spoke from where he stood.

'Now I got ya God damn attention ya need to know what I think ...' He sighed loudly, arms still crossed. 'We shouldn't be fighting each other, we're in this, together, for the long haul ... Don't shut me out, honey, please ... I need ya to help me, and ya need me too ... We're supposed to be on the same side here.'

'Don't you get it, Max? I did this ... If I hadn't have been such a twat, everything would be cool but, no, I had to push it, didn't I? I only got myself to blame ... It's always the same ... I'm one stupid bitch, me ...' I looked over at him. 'And don't stand there looking all concerned ... You should fucking hate me ... I killed our baby, Max ... I can't see how you can even stand to look at me, let alone be anywhere near me ... I'm so sorry, Max ... Shit ...'

The bottle came up to my lips as another quantity disappeared into me. Silence descended over the breach between us.

'Please, stop this ... It weren't your fault this happened, honey ... It's just nature's way a sorting the weak from the strong, that's all, Doc Rogers told us that ... Ya ain't to blame, please, listen to me ...'

His face softened as he moved from the door towards me, tears catching in his eyes. I dropped my gaze and the Jack to the floor as my hands came up to cover my face, my tears flowing easily. I felt his weight gently land next to me as an arm rested around my shoulders. I was sobbing in gusts as he pulled me to him and joined in with my tears.

'I love ya so much, honey ... Please, don't shut me out,' he whispered.

I clung to him as the pain welled up again. It took my breath away as it rendered me crushed under the weight of it.

'I want our baby, Max... I want him back, and I want him back now... I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry,' was wept onto his knees.

I was right, it did get messy. Tears, snot, and breaking hearts always make a real big mess.

As I'm sat, quietly writing this, I can still feel the pain of those weeks that passed after the miscarriage. There, I've said the word, and it's not the pain it was, not anymore. Once again we found common ground in the end and, again, it was loss, so, we took our time and came to terms with it. I'm not saying we healed overnight, that pain was a whole different level, and one we dealt with in our most secretive of ways.

I came to understand it wasn't my fault, me singing and trying to have a life wasn't the cause. It just wasn't meant to be, for us. I hated myself for a while there though. The last thing I wanted to see was my reflection in a mirror.

He dealt with it far better than I. He was my strength and support. We cried together and screamed and shouted about the whole thing. It took us to a place we'd never been before, but we made it through, our love being strong enough after all. So, together, we held on, taking each day as it came, knowing we were there for each other and trying to keep the blues away.

My birthday was a strange affair. We didn't plan anything in the end. I couldn't face being happy about gifts and cards. Max explained to everybody that it wasn't a good idea. I had to get over the trauma of knowing there'd be no more babies, there was no room for parties.

In the end, Max and I stayed home. I cooked and he helped by being the barman for the night, so the Champagne flowed freely, at least. We ate well and then spent the rest of the evening watching old movies, black and white westerns in particular. It was nice being on our own for a change. I enjoyed it just being us.

He did buy me a present, though, one that made me love him even more.

'Close ya eyes and hold out ya hands,' he ordered with a smile, as we sat at the bar.

Doing as he requested, I chuckled, 'Max? What are you doing ...?' I felt paper touch my open palms. 'Please tell me it isn't the booze bill for the month ... We've just had all the plonk for Christmas delivered and, I'm telling ya now for nothing, I ain't paying that baby,' I chuckled.

His laughter touched the darkness behind my eyes.

'Nah, it ain't the booze bill, honey, promise ... Okay ... Ya can open them now ...'

In my hands sat a piece of folded paper which, when unravelled, had Deeds written across the top in large, black script.

I looked up at him. 'What's this then?'

'Read it and ya'll find out,' he smiled at me.

I read the words, but they didn't make sense to begin with. I reread them as it dawned on me what I was holding.

'Baby ... You didn't ...?'

'I fuckin well did, honey,' he chuckled, as he watched the look on my face change from confusion to elation.

'My sweet Lord, Max ... How? ... When ...?'

I threw myself into his arms, kissing his face, lips, cheeks, eyes and lips again.

'It's really mine? ... The meadow? ... It's mine? ... Oh, baby, I don't know what to say ...'

The tears escaped down my cheeks as I held him to me, the emotion a little too much after all that Champagne.

'Thank you ... And I love you so much, thank you, thank you ...'

I crushed him to me, as his arms did the same right back.

Life Goes On

Three weeks later we all attended the Christmas Party held by Human Records. A huge affair, it was held in another fancy hotel, this time in Vancouver. Business Class is definitely the way to go, every time. The flight was but a dream to me, thank the Gods. I woke up as we prepared to land, fresh as a daisy and raring to go.

Dan and his new squeeze, Lola, joined the Mile High Club, while Jake drank his way through his fair share of Tequila. Poor Chelsea was much the same as me, when it came to flying, she spent most of her time in the loo, bless her.

At least I didn't suffer that anymore. I'd downed a few sleeping tablets before boarding, added two shots of Jack and I was out, thank you. Max and Stevie spent their time drinking, playing poker and watching the sports channels, I think.

Two limos picked us up and took us to our home for the next twenty-four hours. The suites were the normal five star, everything included, plus the obligatory super king-size, and all very festive in the red and gold velour we all know and love.

It was promised to be a good night, but that depends on how you look at it, doesn't it? We all looked pretty bloody hot as we walked into the main reception area together. Max looked good enough to eat, as usual, black Armani suit and white silk shirt, shades on his head, thin red tie. I wore another House of Rachael creation, floor length, red silk with a simple cross over bust line to match the cross over bustle. With the diamonds at my throat and around my wrist, I rocked.

All the lads looked fabulous. Beth and I looked stunning, as did Chels. She looked gorgeous in her silver gown, hair scooped up into a cascade of ringlets and jewels pinned around her crown. She sparkled like a diamond as she moved under the lights, and I had to smile to myself as I watched her. I glanced over at Stevie, he was aware of the male heads turning as she passed, it made me chuckle to see him like that.

Max was doing his usual and was consumed by the crowd. I kept up for a bit but got tired quite quickly. All that standing got to me after a while. I made my way to the quieter end of the bar and perched myself on a stool.

No sooner had I sat down, Craig Taylor appeared. He wished me a belated happy birthday and handed me our Christmas card. He hugged me to him, his way of saying sorry about the baby. I could see in his face he couldn't say the words. I kissed him, saying it was getting better with time, but said nothing about the dead and hollow feeling that still remained within.

As he stood chatting about the relocation, I was listening and nodding, but not really hearing him. The soul in me had dredged it all up again into the there and then. He stopped talking when he saw my eyes fill with tears. Pulling me into a hug, the hurt choked my breath from me. I had the sudden urge to escape. I needed space and a cigarette, a.s.a.p.

Excusing myself from his company, I took my clutch bag and made for the nearest exit. I glanced into the crowd but couldn't see a face I recognised. The reception was just as congested as the ballroom and bar, and it was a real bum fight to get to the lobby. I pushed my way around the edges to elude the chaos, and finally popped into the evening air.

Bloody hell it was cold. Stupid me didn't have a jacket either, and I know silk's warm, but it isn't that bloody warm, believe me. I walked along until I found a doorway, out of the wind, and lit a smoke. I rubbed at my arms trying to stop my circulation from freezing where I stood. I must have looked quite funny to the passers-by. In their eyes, I probably looked like the highest class hooker they'd ever seen. I had to laugh at myself.

Just having that time out was good enough. Don't get me wrong, I love a big gang to party with, but that many people was too much for me in that mood. I was coping, but I wasn't finished with grieving for my lost child. I certainly hadn't finished with the tears.

Stevie was one of the first to see me go into an emotional meltdown. His arms enveloped me as we stood and sobbed together. Chelsea was much the same, she found me in the office crying over my drawing board, our sepia scan picture screwed up in my hand.

Coming back to earth, I finished my smoke as Chelsea wandered out for the same thing. I called her into my doorway, so we could stand and freeze together.

'That's a loada ole horseshit in there, ain't it? See the way they all kiss each other's asses?' she smiled, lighting her spliff and inhaling noisily.

The smile spread across her face as the weed did its job. She then took another tug before passing it to me.

'It is what it is, I guess ... If it helps the guys out in some way, I don't mind putting up with it ... Still, I can think of nicer ways to enjoy an evening.'

I huffed out a laugh to myself, took two quick pulls and passed it back.

'Hey ... Guess who I spied, in there, looking all lovely and happy?' Her face lit up as she turned to me. 'None other than little Miss Trashy Pants,' she grinned. 'She must be here with the fiancé ... Ain't they getting married on Christmas Day?'

'Yeah, something like that,' I replied. 'You would have thought, with only forty-eight hours to go, she'd be at home sorting her shit out, wouldn't you? Maybe she just wanted to rough it for a night ... You know, for old time's sake ... See who she can get knocked up by, this time.'

I snorted a low laugh, my face not showing any emotion regarding the subject.

Chelsea coughed her laugh into the empty street. 'Wonder if Max has seen her yet? After all that shit, I reckon Mickey ain't letting the stupid bitch outta his sight ... And I wonder where that poor kid of her's is now ... Bet it's been dumped with her Mama, or some God damn Nanny, somewhere ... Seems she couldn't give a shit ... Fashion baby or what?' she smirked, as she quickly rubbed her hands up and down her arms against the cold.

I finished the spliff and flicked it into the road. 'I couldn't give a rat's arse ... Good luck to him, I say ... Reckon he'll bloody need it with her ... Silly tart ...'

We chuckled again as my eye caught a figure walking towards our shelter. I did a double take and turned to Chelsea.

'You look bloody freezing ... Shall we piss-off back inside?' I asked her, the figure drawing closer, the street lights touching his face. I'd know him anywhere.

'Yeah, the guys'll be wondering where the hell we are, like we might be having fun or something ... And I wanna be there when those two lock eyes ... There might be fireworks, and I ain't missing that tonight,' she replied, stepping out onto the pavement whilst quickly rubbing her hands together.

I wasn't sure if it was from the excitement of that thought, or because she was so bloody cold.

As the well-dressed man drew level with us, I stepped out right in front of him. It was going to happen, there was no avoiding that one.

Over my amazement of seeing him there, of all places, I commented, 'Yeah, suppose we'd better ... And I think it's gonna be a night for ex's bumping into each other, Chels.'

As our eyes met, on that freezing street in Vancouver, his face was a picture as he realised who it was stood before him. I wish I'd had a camera at hand for that moment in time.

'Hello, Shay ... How the hell are you?' A half arsed smile touched my lips.

His eyes grew wider as he looked me up and down.

'Bloody hell, is that you, Tee? I'm doing good ... And you are too, by the looks of it ...'

His chocolate brown eyes sparkled as he smiled at Chels and me. He'd lit a smoke and offered me one, which I took and lit, but Chels declined. We stood blowing long streams of smoke into the freezing air, the plumes seeming denser from the cold.

'Yeah, I'm doing okay.' I looked at Chelsea and smiled. 'Sorry, Chels, this is my ex-husband, Shay Blane ... Shay, this is my dear friend, Chelsea Denver ...'

They smiled their greetings and nodded a hello.

'Honey, I gotta go in, I'm freezing my little ole ass off here ... I'll see ya back inside in a bit ... And nice to meet ya Shay.'

Chels spoke over her shoulder as she walked back to the main entrance of the hotel.

'I'll let Maxy know ya out here having a smoke, okay, sugar?' she called as she reached the doors.

'Yeah, cheers, hon, I'll see you in a few ... I'll finish this and be right in,' I replied, and then she was gone.

I looked at Shay, he hadn't changed a bit, and in fact he looked pretty good from where I was standing. His black hair came down to his collar, and the longer look suited him well. He still had his beard trimmed short, and I remembered how I always liked it that way. His face had filled out a little, the changes making him look more handsome with age. I shivered, partly from the cold, partly from the memories of our hot nights between the sheets.

'Here, you must be bloody freezing,' he started to remove his jacket. 'There ... Chuck that round your shoulders before you turn blue ...'

The warmth was instant as the fabric covered my bare shoulders and back.

'Thanks, that's very kind of you ... So, come on then, what you been up to?' I asked, stepping from one sandaled foot to the other, the snow in small heaps at the tips of my toes.

'You know me, a bit of this and a bit of that ... Nothing ever changes, you know how it is,' he smiled.

The snow had just started to fall again and left a fine dust on our hair.

'... I'm still under contract with Human Records for the next few months. I've been doing publicity shots of the bands ... I think I'm in the studio with Max and the guys in the New Year.'

He paused, his sad face coming up to look at me.

'... I heard about your loss ... I'm so sorry, Tee ...'

The look he gave me pulled the old hurt right back up into my eyes. The tears I felt were made more painful with the cold cutting at my face. He stepped forward and rested a hand on my cheek.

'I know I'm a bit late, as usual, but is there anything I can do?' he smiled.

'No ... But thanks anyway ... We're coping, as you do ... I try to take each day as it comes and all that crap ... Life goes on, aye?' I tried to grin, big tears sitting on the rims of my eyes.

Shay brushed them away with his thumb as they broke loose, one at a time.

'... HEY ... Ya okay, sugar?'

Max's voice turned me to the hotel entrance, as Shay's hand dropped away. He had a quizzical look on his face, and he didn't like strangers touching his wife.

'Yeah, honey, I'm just coming,' I smiled over at Max, passing Shay his jacket back. 'Thanks for that ... Maybe we'll see each other later? I gotta go in, it's too freaking cold for me,' I laughed to Shay. 'See ya ...'

I walked to Max and was enveloped by his arm as we turned back to the entrance.

'Who's that, baby? Anyone I know?' The question was written all over his face.

'Don't you recognise him, honey? It's Shay, my ex ... You remember ... He's doing a shoot with you guys in the New Year, apparently ... Didn't you know?' I chuckled as we entered the plush foyer.

Max kissed the top of my head as a camera flashed in our faces.

'Ya cool with him being on the scene? We can get another photographer, if ya want, it ain't a problem?'

Another camera flashed, we struck our pose, another kiss to my forehead.

The crush through the people was quite pants. That many are hard work but, finally, we reached Stevie and Chelsea. They were talking to a group of people who had their backs to us as we approached. I was last to click who the guys were stood with. Mickey Markwell extended his hand over to Max, which he took, and returned the greeting.

We'd met in the studio, of course, so I received a warm hug, a peck to the cheek, and a cheeky grin. Mickey was a nice bloke, when you got to know him, and we had quite a laugh working together on You're All I See. Stevie had hit it off with him straight away. You could hear them clacking on at each other about music from a mile away, heads together, blah, blah, blah.

But, look at me digressing. That was the very first time I was properly introduced to Anna-Lee and, oh, my, God, what a moment that was.

As I looked at her, silence suddenly graced my world and all audio ceased to be. It was then that I was treated to the little play in my head. As if filmed from behind, I launched myself forwards in my gorgeous gown, my left hand fingers welding into her hair as I punched her in the face repeatedly. Then, when she was on the floor, I gave it a few big swing-kicks, just for good measure, and I even did a bit of stamping, in stilettos, just because I could.

Okay, maybe I should have done that instead of saying, in my usual acid English tone, 'Oh, hello ... You must be she then? Well, never mind ... Shit happens ... Apparently ...'

I then sarcastically smiled at her, before I turned and stalked off towards reception, leaving everyone behind, wide eyed, open mouthed and very, very quiet.

Max followed and caught my arm, saying, 'Wow, that was harsh, honey ... Why not punch her lights out too? ... You okay?' His eyes searched my face for an answer.

I smiled, eyes blinking slowly. 'Yeah, I'm okay ... Just tired, it's getting late ... I think I'm gonna go up now ... You coming?' I ran my fingers down his cheek as he smiled down at me.

'Yeah ... Let's split ... Wait here and I'll tell Stevie we're done ... I'll be right back ...'

He disappeared into the crowd, as I stood alone at the desk. A sea of faces washed passed as the need for sleep started to close my tired eyes. It'd been a long day, but I was glad we'd attended. Max was so close to refusing, but I'd needed that night. It had certainly blown out the cobwebs and built my confidence in people a little.

It had been a strange experience seeing Shay again and, shit, did he look good. He flooded my mind with memories of days gone by. We'd had such a strong bond when things had been good. Shame it had ended the way it did. I'd seen all my failures in those years, and I knew, at the time, it was the only way Fate could play it out. There was always going to be a loser in the end, that time it was me. But I'd learnt my lessons in love, some, which I would never forget, where hovering in my mind as I stood waiting.

I did see Shay again, but not that night. As I lay in bed, I must admit, I did think about him and our time together. He was still a good looking man and hadn't really changed that much. I fell asleep thinking about his dark eyes, dark hair and gorgeous, devilish, smile.

Prime Time Wedding

'I couldn't give a shit if she was the Queen of sodding England ... I'm not going to her bloody stupid wedding on Christmas Day, Max ... And that, my darling, is final ...' I was sat, butt-naked, at the dressing table, brushing my hair.

We'd risen at some God awful time and showered, the residue of the party being washed away in the hot, soapy water. Max was there to wash my back and give me some _wet loving_ as he called it. Having sex with him in a hot shower was the most amazing way to start the day. I classed myself as a very lucky girl.

'We've all been invited ... Stevie and Chels'll be there, and they're taking Ma ... Arh, come on, Tee-bird, I think we should go ...'

He was in the bathroom, towelling himself down. I could just see his butt cheeks around the side of the door, bless him.

'Okay then, if we go, when do we get to celebrate our Christmas Day? Answer me that? It's Christmas Eve, honey ... We should be at home getting ready for a fabulous time with our family. I don't want to be sat watching what's her face getting hitched tomorrow.'

The question popped into my head.

'Why you so keen to go anyway? You wanna make sure she goes through with it?'

I laughed as he walked into the bedroom and threw his wet towel onto the bed, his sexy as hell bum a stunning reflection in my mirror.

'Yeah,' he chuckled, 'something like that ... As for Christmas, Ma said we can all go back to hers and have it on Boxing Day instead ... It'll be great, all of us at home for the day, and fun, like when Stevie and I were kids ... I'd like to share that with ya, sugar.'

As he finished his sentence he walked over and slid his hand down the back of my hair, curling a lock around his fingers.

'Okay, Einstein ... When do we fly back, then, straight after the wedding? ... Maybe we could ask Joey to drive us, aye? What about all the pressies and booze at home? Are they going to fly themselves over to your Ma's for when we get there?'

I smiled at him in the mirror, as he bent to kiss the side of my neck after scooping the hair to one side. Still naked, I could feel the warmth radiating from his body against my back. The smell of his spicy shower gel cocooned me in its aroma and, as I closed my eyes, I breathed in through my nostrils.

'Baby, I'm so fucking loaded, I'll rent us a damn jet to get us home, that ain't no problem. As for ya gifts, well, we'll hijack a God damn department store in L.A. and we'll shop till we drop ... Would that make ya any happier?' he chuckled, with his lips against my skin. 'I can do that if ya want ... Anything for my woman.'

His lips skipped over my shoulder as he spoke, his breath caressing and lingering there, sweet and hot.

I rotated on the stool and sat looking up at him as he stroked my cheek.

'You'd do that as well, wouldn't you, you crazy son-of-a-bitch? ... You and your rock star ways ... You amaze me, you really do,' I grinned, as he bent to kiss me, hard and long.

His blue eyes glinted as he looked from my face to the bed and back again. I watched as his smile grew, egged on by his dirty thoughts. His hands dropped to my shoulders as he raised me from my seat to pull me into his arms, still naked. I fell against him as he walked us to the bed, still kissing.

We fell together, his eyes never leaving mine, me over him and my hair in a chestnut veil between us and the outside world. Warm hands ran a path from my buttocks to my shoulders and up into my hair. I sunk into bliss against his warmth.

'Okay then, Mister Manley ... We'll go to this bloody wedding ... But, if Boxing Day, come Christmas, doesn't happen... I'm withholding my girlie-bits till further notice ... Got it?' I spoke, softly, with my eyes closed, as he kissed around the edge of my lips and along my jaw.

He wasn't listening. I don't know why I even bothered.

We tumbled around on the bed eventually ending up with him between my legs, mine hooked over his. My eyes skipped over his semi-dry curls hanging down his cheeks. The most gorgeous man, I ever did see, was mine, all mine.

'I love you so much I can't find the words,' I smiled, my voice, low and dreamy. 'And you take my breath away sometimes ... How do you do that?'

His smile lit the space we occupied. 'I really don't know,' he chuckled, 'but I do know I love ya with every bone of my body ... I wanted ya from the moment ya walked into that damn boardroom ... Since then, ya been in my head every second of every day ...'

Kissing me, he drifted off for a moment into a memory, eyes squinting and glazed a little.

'I kind of knew, when I went back home after London. Lots of things changed, I changed ... Ya had me thinking about ya for months,' he laughed. 'And Stevie, the Manley matchmaker, he drove me crazy every time he spoke to ya.'

His eyes returned to mine as he gently kissed the tip of my nose.

'Come on, honey, we gotta get going, plane leaves in,' he pulled my right hand from his waist and looked at my Cartier, 'about three hours ... And we gotta get to the airport, yet ...'

He dropped my arm and went to roll off the bed. I caught his before he had the chance to turn away from me.

'Well then,' my eyes flicked over his naked torso as I smiled, 'you've only got about thirty minutes to shag me stupid, sexy ...'

I heard his chuckle as his face appeared through soft ringlets. A dirty grin bordered on a smirk as it spread across his cheeks. His gaze dropped down between our naked bodies, as he laughed in his throat, a gritty, naughty schoolboy laugh, the type that makes your twitch because you know what's coming next.

My eyes closed as his lips brushed over mine. My sighs escaping clenched teeth, as the touch of his fingers on my skin sent a million tiny shocks through my body. His lips led the way to my thighs and between. His tongue touching me, there, rippled a warm flood through my belly and up into my brain. I cruised the utter bliss of his mouth at work, tasting me and wanting me to give more.

Opening my eyes slowly, they came to rest on his face as he travelled up my body, slowly. He was smiling down at me as he slid into me. Coiling me into his arms, his lips found my neck. Mine wound around him, bringing us as close as we could be. The slow loving, so full, brought a tear to my eye. Long, deep and slow. Out to the brink, and then up to the brim.

Teasing, taunting, whispers of love and promises to never leave, made through kisses and touching tongues. Only he could ever do that. Only he could ever take me to that place we felt in those moments. I can't find the words to explain it. We were so close we were mere lips away from each other. The gentle sway and movement, as though drifting at sea. Together, floating, lost in an ocean of bliss and feelings, I was drowning right there, but, Jesus, what a way to go.

Wrapped in each other's limbs, slowly, fully, we rode the wave it was. The sensation, from deep in my core, took all the strength I had to stop it from spilling out over him. Tightly to him, he crushed me against his hard body, arching my back and holding me there. My fingers gripped the sheets as he finished that which I'd started. I gave myself and rode the rhythmic tide, the sensation just as good when in a hurry.

Alas, for all my sins, he finally had me do it on the flight to L.A. It was at however many thousand feet high, he remembers, but I never do. As I recall, he dragged me, half asleep, from my comfy bed-chair to some pokey little cupboard that smelt of puke and bog blocks. Okay, I did get into it, honest. It was kind of funny at the time, my arse perched on the edge of the sink, him with his jeans round his shins. His knees kept banging against the sink unit, a noise that probably had all the Cabin Crew in hysterics. How many times had they heard that? In the end, I took matters into my own hands by turning round to face over the sink.

Big mistake. I spent the entire time with my face plastered to the mirror while he banged away, one foot on the loo, pulling fuck faces to himself. It doesn't get much more animal than that, and I can laugh about the memories now but, at the time, it was a totally different story.

The bast'd left the room of doom with a noticeable grin and his hands in his pockets, whilst strutting his stuff. I left with water down the front of me, a wet patch on my arse, and my right cheek bright red. It looked like I'd had a fight with a heavy weight bog brush, and lost badly. I slept the rest of the way, as did Beth and Chelsea, waking just in time to belt-up for landing.

Christmas Day in L.A.

Every guest at the wedding, and their Aunt, seemed to be staying at The Bellaire Hotel. Another plush gaff, and a decent limo drive to the venue, it looked beautiful, decorated with huge glowing gold baubles and red bows hanging from the ceiling. There was a skyscraper of a Christmas tree, white and trimmed into the perfect conical. It almost reached the top of the grand staircase, and softly glowed, the trunk a coil of tiny silver lights.

I stood in awe, looking up, with my face gently lit by the firefly glow that reflected in my eyes. It was the most wonderful tree I've ever seen, it blew me away. Acres of red ribbon adorned the walls and stairway in swathes, punctuated with groups of golden fruit and flowers that twinkled. I'd never seen a swish hotel do Christmas before. I felt like a child as I cooed at the magical decorations and tempting candy-canes everywhere.

The ladies had been asked to wear red gowns and the gents to wear black tux. A seasonal colour that I thought I could run with. In fact, I made it my mission to comply, and to the extreme. I imagined all the ladies would look like little pools of blood against the virgin white imported snow. I was looking forward to seeing that, and all the other little entertaining moments to come.

Neither Max nor I had luggage outside what we'd needed for the previous party. When I'd packed for us, I wasn't expecting a bloody wedding to be tacked on two days later, was I?

A typical Christmas Eve afternoon, we dashed round, like crazy people, to find outfits and Christmas pressies in the three hours we had left to do it in. Beth stayed at the hotel. She'd already sorted her gifts, they were wrapped and under the tree at home. Her outfit hung in a dust-cover ready to be worn, shoes and hat to match. In a lovely shade of raspberry, that reminded me of old English roses, the dress was perfect against the classic cut jacket in snow white linen. Very Beth, indeed.

Chels and I paired off and shopped while the lads buggered off somewhere else. It was good having some time-out with her, and we'd not had enough lately. She helped me choose a beautiful leather bomber jacket for Stevie. The thick brown hide was as soft as velvet to the touch and in a style that he'd carry well on his broad shoulders. I found some graphic novels for his Santa Sack plus a set of chocolate tractors in some tiny shop in a side street. Silly things for a silly person, but I knew he'd love them.

The first boutique we hit, I raided it for underwear. I picked up loads of everyday undies and some matching bra's. If we were going to Beth's for a few days, I wanted a fresh set after showering. I picked up some vest tops and a pair of combat trousers with some funky Chinese Dragon embroidered down the back of one leg. I also found a gorgeous red velvet Basque set and silk stockings, which I bought, just to warp Max's mind at some point in the near future.

I sent Chelsea away when I spied a gift for her sitting in a glass case. I knew she collected pieces of jewellery by a guy called Pan Swift and, there, before me, sat an exquisite example. The choker was a band of small oval amethysts suspending chains with droplets of the same precious gem attached to the ends. Each chain was set at a different length, giving it a wavy effect. The delicate white gold caught the light as it was removed from its spot and wrapped in pink tissue with a white bow.

Max was the hardest to buy for, and I got Chels on board with that one. She even phoned Stevie to see if he could throw us some ideas. Bloody lot of use he was, said he was having the same problem with all of us.

I found a beautiful heavy silk shawl for Beth. She'd commented about the one Max had gotten me in Mexico. They were lovely to throw over your shoulders on a chilly night and I loved mine to bits. The glorious red and blue flowers had me hooked as soon as I saw them, and Beth loved bright colours. Chels went mad for it, begging for one too. She wanted the one with Birds of Paradise hand-painted onto the silk, ruby and sapphire on gold, very regal.

I also found a pretty china trinket box, the dainty roses that adorned the lid were perfectly painted and I knew Beth would love it. I was browsing the window display of an antique centre when I saw the very thing to go in it.

Sat on a purple cushion was a pretty brooch, made from porcelain, and fitted to a gold mount and pin. The roses, hand-painted in the middle, were almost a perfect match to the ones on the box. Chels dragged me into the shop saying it was a gift Beth would both love and cherish, so it just had to be acquired.

And, still, I was at a loss were Max was concerned. Chelsea had found him a limited edition Jack Daniel's Zippo which she'd had engraved with his initials. I wished I could come up with something as easy as that. She also got him a new Led Zeppelin T-shirt for his Santa Sack and a pair of Harley Davidson slippers that were brilliant. I was having no such luck, and I was already sick of walking up and down Rodeo Drive.

She was done, her out-fit hung in their hotel suite waiting for the big day. She said she wouldn't have missed out on it for the world. She couldn't wait to see the bullshit that was about to entertain us for the day. Laughing, she referred to it as a God damn circus for all the beautiful people in L.A. We giggled about the possibility of him doing a runner and wondered who the Best-Man was. Wasn't he supposed to step in and take the groom's place should he become absent at the event?

While she stood flicking through a wall covered with handbags, I quickly purchased a beautiful Angora beanie hat, gloves and scarf. The lovely white knit was as soft as down and she loved everything that felt like small fluffy animals. I quickly hid it away amongst my other bags and moved to join her in the shoe section.

We wondered around a gorgeous man's boutique for ages looking for something for Max. What pissed me off was the fact that, at that moment in time, money was no object but, could I find him something, anything? Could I fuck! Round in circles we trotted. From one shop back to another, and on it went.

I found a gown quite quickly though. Off-the-peg and at $850, I was more than happy. Red velvet, floor length, and fitted like a glove, the corset bodice and bustle had me from the start. I said I looked like a bride of Dracula and all that was missing were the fangs.

Chels giggled as I held my index fingers up and waggled them near my incisors saying, 'I vont to surk your blurd ...'

How could I not have it? And besides, I just had to buy the red velvet ankle booties because they matched perfectly.

It was whilst we walked around a smaller shop that I saw it. As soon as I clapped eyes on it, I knew I had to have it. Hung on a mannequin, against the back wall, was the coat made for that stupid wedding. A three-quarter length, claret coloured, crushed velvet number, with white fluff edging the hood and cuffs, was perfect. Over the dress and boots I would, near as damn it, look like Mother Christmas.

I didn't care that it was over a thousand bucks, so what. It was Christmas, and it was a present to me, for being such a good girl and for having such a shit time of it. And, still, there was Max. I was seriously running out of time.

We'd arranged to meet the boys at Café Blasé so I really had to get my shit together and get on with it. Chels came up with a thousand things, but he already had most of them. He had all the toys he wanted, all the watches he could ever wear, and all the clothes he'd ever need. I was starting to panic as the time slipped past. Chelsea hugged me to her as the strain started to show on my face.

Stevie rang her to say they were done and were waiting for us. In the end we ran round and spent money like water. How my credit card didn't melt, I don't know. I did have one stroke of luck by remembering Max had mentioned, ages ago, he'd wanted a Saint Christopher.

In one of the big jewellers I found a stunning platinum one that I had 'T.A.M heart M.C.M.' engraved on the back. Rushing for the door I noticed a gorgeous pair of cufflinks, princess cut diamonds set in white gold, they were acquired too. I also grabbed a load of his favourite aftershave, a pair of black All Star high-tops, to replace the threadbare ones he wore in the studio, and a rare first addition of Huckleberry Fin, his all-time favourite book.

Lastly, I found him a new pair of Raybans. He'd mentioned that he'd sat on his old ones in the car. Thank the Gods that was over, and off to meet the boys we trotted, happy with our gifts.

We spent a little time, chilling out a bit, before rushing back to the hotel for dinner. The last few days had been hectic, and the last thing any of us wanted was a night out on the lash. Besides, we were out most of the next day anyway. It was going to be rather interesting, but a very long day all the same.

The first thing I saw on Christmas morning was Max's lips kiss my nose. I was hanging over the edge of the huge bed, my head stuffed under the pillow. As my eyes focused, I could see he was smiling in his usual gorgeous way.

'Good morning, gorgeous ... And Merry Christmas, baby ... I love you, ya coffee is there, and I see Santa left ya something ...'

He raised his eyebrows as his eyes strayed to the bedside unit. My eyes followed his to the small package of red tissue and bow that sat by my coffee cup.

'Damn, that guy's real good, ain't he? ... He really can find you anywhere ...'

My voice was early morning deep, slow speech and dry throat.

'Yeah,' he chuckled, 'he's the best, honey, I'll agree with ya there,' he replied, as he rose from his crouch and moved to get back into bed.

'What's the time?' I asked. I hadn't moved. I was too comfy where I was.

He rolled over, cuddled up to my back and kissed my naked shoulders. 'It's just gone 7 a.m. Ya got plenty of time, if ya wanna hit the pool ... The wedding kicks off at 2 p.m. so we'll need to leave by 1, at the latest ...'

I could feel his words vibrate through my body as he spoke.

'Okay, suppose I'd better get my shit together then ...' I moved to sit up.

Max pulled back a little and rested against the headboard. I sat and looked at the little parcel next to my coffee.

'... Lord, I need a wee ...'

I bounced from the bed and walked to the bathroom, which was situated beyond the dressing room and wardrobe area. On my way back, I opened my side and pulled the small box from the bags. It was beautifully wrapped in gold paper and finished with a bow of the same colour. I smiled to myself as I walked back to the bedroom and plonked myself down next to Max.

'Hey, look what Father Christmas left in the bathroom ... He must have needed a pee-stop and forget it,' I smiled, as I handed him his little pressie and kissed him.

He laughed as he turned it in his hands, looking up at me.

'Well, I guess he has to go at some point, he can't really do it over the edge of the sleigh ... That could really shit on someone's show ... So, go on ... I'll open mine as you open yours, okay?' he smiled.

I walked round to my side and climbed back in. 'Okay,' I chuckled. I picked up my red parcel and looked at him. '... Go ...'

The pair of us acted like children as we sat and ripped off the ribbons and coloured paper. It was thrown onto the floor as we always did. It made it feel a bit more Christmassy, at least. I found myself looking down at a flat, red velvet, heart-shaped box. I looked at him as he did the same with his.

'You first,' I said as I smiled.

I waited as he slowly lifted the lid. His lips broke into a beautiful smile as he took the Saint Christopher out and studied the front.

He laughed, 'Ha, you remembered ... I love it ... Nearly as much as I love you ...'

'Read the back,' I giggled.

He turned it over in his hand to read the reverse side aloud, '... T.A.M. heart M.C.M.'

His right arm pulled me to him for another Christmas kiss, and I went willingly.

I was so happy he'd forgotten about it, and hadn't seen one he'd liked enough to buy. He seemed amazed I'd even remembered. Passing it to me, he asked me to put it on him. Turning away, he lifted his hair so I could see what I was doing, and then he sat in bed with it clasped in his hand.

'Your turn,' he smiled.

I looked at him, raised my eyebrows, and then looked back at the box in my hand.

'From me to you,' he grinned.

I lifted the lid and smiled at the contents. 'Oh, sweetie ... It's beautiful, thank you ...'

Sat on a padded red velvet cushion was the loveliest heart-shaped locket I'd ever seen. He explained it was Platinum, not silver, and they were real diamonds, not fakes, like it mattered to me. I had to smile at him and thank him for imparting his information. There was a choice of ways to wear it, too. It was on a strip of black velvet, but also in the box was a chain to hang it from, if desired.

I took it out to get a better look, my silence, and face, expressing my love for the small object. The front was engraved with a Celtic knot, a sign of everlasting love. In the centre sat a fair size diamond, it caught the light with its multi-faceted sides. Around the very edge ran a heart-shaped line of tiny diamonds, they twinkled as I turned it in my hand. It was then I noticed the engraving on the back. I glanced at Max and his, still, smiling lips.

I read it aloud with a laugh, 'M.C.M. heart T.A.M.'

'Ya think that's funny ... Open it,' he grinned.

Inside held tiny photos of Max, in one side, and Stevie, in the other. They were pulling stupid faces, as ever.

'Seems only right it should hold photos a ya two favourite men,' he chuckled.

'Thank you very much ... I love it, and you, ya soppy sod.'

I reached over and kissed him as he watched me admiring such a small thing.

'I'm glad ... Now ... Get ya shit together, if ya wanna hit the pool, I don't want ya having to rush ... And ain't you and Chels got some shit going on together this morning, too?'

He kissed me, one last time, and climbed from the bed. That was our Christmas morning done with then. Suddenly, it was back to the day, and the crap we all had to endure.

Chelsea had booked us both a session in the hotel beauty parlour. Two agonising hours I sat there, being pulled about, back-combed, and stuck with pins, just for the hair, but very pretty it looked when it was done. A red velvet and diamante Alice band sat high on my crown, as soft ringlets fell in shiny chestnut tresses down my back.

The make-up was a pleasurable experience. I hardly ever wore the stuff and dreaded coming out looking like some fucked-up clown. The young lady, who performed the task to perfection, was insistent that we kept it as natural as possible. As she worked, we chatted about the unravelling day. I'd laughed when I said I'd already done an hour in the pool, showered and had breakfast before anybody else had got up. I know the score when talking to people. I knew, from a long time ago, not to show too much of myself too soon.

Chelsea stood before me in her lemon coloured joggers, old knackered slip-ons and a wrinkled cardigan. The pair of us had learnt not to turn up in an item of clothing you had to pull on, over your head, after having your hair and make-up done, and I can assure you, you only do it the once.

I chuckled, then explained, that from the neck up she looked like a beautiful princess, with her sparkles in her dark hair, and a face that cameras loved. Sadly, from the neck down, she looked like some old council housewife from High Wycombe. She didn't get it, but I had to giggle at the face she pulled as I laughed in her general direction.

When I returned to our room Max was dressed and ready to go. He'd sat on the internet and ticked a box on the Wedding List, then mumbled something about silver tureens as he wandered off into the bathroom. He looked fabulous, in his clean cut Armani tuxedo, crisp white Egyptian cotton shirt, and inch wide black tie. He could carry clothes of a certain cut perfectly on his broad shoulders and slim build, but then I was always going to be a little bias, wasn't I?

I sat and watched him amble back into the bedroom, drying his hands and humming to himself. With his head tilted forward, his curls fell onto the side of his face, shaggy and soft. When he caught my eyes following him, he stopped and smiled, his face alight with mischief.

'Hair looks nice, honey ... Ya going like that, then?' he laughed, as he sat on the end of the bed looking at me.

'Yeah,' I giggled, 'if you don't think I'd overshadow the bride in my fabulous shorts and hemp top combo?'

Striking a Hollywood Pose, my teeth beaming, one leg bent before the other on tiptoes, boobs pushed forwards, and one shoulder back, he laughed and threw the damp towel at me.

'Ya crazy,' he stood and came to snatch a kiss, 'but I love ya,' was followed by another kiss. 'Right, I'm gonna go get Stevie-Boy an we'll meet ya in the bar, okay? ... Ya got about an hour, at the most ...' He checked his Rolex as he spoke.

'Okay ... I'll not be long,' I promised.

I kissed him and moved to the wardrobe where my gown hung. He hadn't seen it and said he wanted to see me dressed and ready to go. For some reason he always liked that bit. He smiled as he explained it was like seeing me for the first time, and I never let him down. Finally he left me to it, with another kiss, and a pat to my bottom.

**Let The Show Begin**.

I slipped into the red Basque and red panties, then sat to pull the black silk stockings up my legs. I was in the gown and dressed in a matter of minutes. The zip was located in the side panel so it fitted to perfection.

I placed my hand to my naked neck and smiled. Taking my locket from the box, I retrieved the red velvet ribbon from the floor. Removing the strip that it hung from, I threaded the replacement through and secured it around my neck like a choker.

It certainly looked the part. I'd even found some claret coloured elbow length gloves that had small beads in a line at the wrist for buttons. I was ready.

Standing before the huge mirror, in the hall of our suite, I had to laugh at myself. I looked like a cross between Scarlett O'Hara and a Victorian Hooker. I hoped it would be enough to blow Max away. I smoothed down the front, smiled, put on my new coat, grabbed my black bag, and left the room.

As I walked the hallway to the stairs, I could distinguish everyone that was attending the dumb wedding. It was so obvious, what with the red dresses and tux that nodded and smiled when I passed them. Some I recognised, and some I didn't.

I wonder? Do you ever get the feeling you have crap on your face? I walked all the way to the stairs wondering that. Nearly everyone I passed did a double take and smiled when I looked back. I thought maybe I had lipstick smudged across my chops, or something just as hideous. I paused, before descending the majestic staircase, to check myself in the ornate mirror on the wall. No, nothing.

As I stepped onto the top stair, Stevie walked into the plush reception area with Joey. They came to a stop when they saw me smiling down at them. Stevie glanced into the bar and waved his hand to motion someone to join him.

Holding the front of my skirt, I watched my footing on the stairs. Looking up, I saw that Max had joined them in the space below, a glass of Champagne in his hand. His smile was so perfect. I could lose myself in his looks, and it always amazed me that he could have any one of a thousand women, but he just wanted me. Beth, looking lovely as ever, joined them as I reached the bottom.

Max moved towards me through the tide of people coming and going. His smile broadened as he met me.

'... Jesus ...Ya look stunning ...'

His eyes met mine as his lips did the same. A long kiss sent a trickle of shivers from my mouth, down. I sighed as he nibbled at my top lip, his eyes never leaving mine, and reducing me to a giggling, girly mess. All I could do, after that, was look at him and smile, that smile, the one that defined me as the devoted love-struck fool I really was.

We stood at the bar, waiting for Chels to come down. I could sense Stevie was getting a bit twitchy by the way he kept checking the time, his watch constantly glanced at, as well as everyone else's.

'Where the hell is she? The car'll be here in a minute, for fuck sake.'

He seemed almost angry with her delay.

'Give me your key-card and I'll go and get her ... She might be having trouble with her dress or something ...'

I was more concerned about her absence than anyone. It wasn't like her to be late for the chance to party. Taking the key off Stevie, I climbed the stairs, yet again, in search of my missing friend. The throng, that had lined the halls, had diminished, a sign that the wedding hour was looming. I skipped up to their door and swiped it with the card.

I slowly pushed my way in and called into the room. 'Chels? ... Ya decent, honey?'

I was greeted with silence. I ambled in and saw the shoes awaiting feet, the red dress awaiting a body. Where the hell was she? I heard her before I saw her. The gut wrenching echo of someone puking their ring up is known throughout the globe. I hurried to the bathroom to find her kneeling by the loo with a glass of water at hand.

'Jesus Christ, you okay, sweetie?' I rushed to crouch next to her and gently laid my arm around her shoulders. '... Talk to me ...'

'Oh, sugar, I feel like I'm dying here,' she gasped.

Her face was almost transparent as sweat sat in droplets on her forehead. I placed my hand there, but found no raging temperature. I looked at her with furrowed brows.

'I'm getting Stevie, this isn't right ...'

I moved to rise, but she caught me by the wrist and held me, half way.

'Don't, Tee, please ... I ain't sick ... I'm pregnant ...' She brought up the water she'd just drunk. 'Morning sickness is meant to be in the God damn morning, not half way through the God damn day ... Jesus, I feel like shit ...'

Her head dropped to the arm resting on the toilet seat. Closing her eyes she took long, slow breaths through her nostrils, then released them through her mouth.

'You're ... ?'

My smile nearly became a laugh. I gathered my thoughts quickly, her declaration having been a bit of a surprise.

'How far are you? And why didn't you say anything sooner, you crazy woman ... I dragged you everywhere yesterday, I'm so sorry,' I chuckled.

She laughed into the toilet. 'It's okay, honey, honest ... Doc reckons about ten weeks, we have our first scan in the New Year ... I couldn't tell ya when I found out ... I couldn't say those words to ya then, not after what ya'd just been through yourself ... Didn't seem right, somehow ...'
She made an effort to smile, as her eyes filled with tears for what Max and I had recently lost.

I looked at her sad face. 'Tell me want you want me to do, sweetie ... Do you want me to get Stevie? Does he know yet?' I asked, realising I'd become privy to some rather amazing news. I watched as she heaved again, my heart going out to her.

'No ... I haven't told him yet ... I was gonna tell him on Christmas Day, so I totally mind-fuck him,' she laughed into the pan. '... Bet he's pissed I'm running late ... If he only knew, huh?'

'Well, if we don't get you up and dressed, he'll be through that bloody door any second now. So, if you still want it to be a surprise, we can pull this off, but we have to move fast. What d'ya reckon?'

I was helping her to stand and grabbed the glass of water so she could rinse her mouth again.

'Yeah ... Let's do it ...' She looked like shit but we could fix that. '... We'll say I needed help to dress. Would that work?'

'Perfectly, I just mentioned that to him downstairs when he started moaning about you being late,' I said with a grin.

We'd moved into the bedroom and I was holding her dress for her to step into.

'I'll grab your coat and bag, you fix your face and hair ... You okay?'

I zipped her into the short, strapless cocktail dress, turned her around, looked down at her filled out hips, and then kissed her on the cheek with a smile.

'I'll be fine ... Ya won't say anything, will ya? He's gonna start to ask questions sooner or later. This is the second party, in two days, where he ain't seen me have a drink. Don't know how to explain that one.'

'No, of course I won't say anything, our little secret,' I smiled at her. 'And the drinking, well, have yourself a few G and T's without the G's, easy ... He hates the stuff, so he'll not be swigging out of it to know whether you're telling the truth or not ... That'll work, won't it?'

'Hey, that's a good one ... You're a cunning little bitch in a good way sometimes, ain't ya?' she giggled.

She spoke as she stood by the large mirror that greeted you upon entering their suite, redoing lipstick and blusher. Stray hair that had escaped was tucked back into hair pins, the dark strands eager to comply. She was giving it one last spray with hair lacquer when a fist banged on the door. Both our heads snapped in its direction.

'Hurry up, for fuck sake ... Joey's waiting with the car .... What the fuck are you two up to, anyway?'

I glanced over at Chels and raised my eyebrows. Boy, he sounded pissed-off. She checked herself in the mirror and, after getting a thumbs-up from me, moved to open the door.

'Jesus, you took ya time ...'

Stevie bustled into the room frantically.

'Hurry the fuck up, will ya ... You're like a couple a little ole ladies chatting shit ...' He stood wringing his hands together. 'We got one hell of a side-show today, ladies, and I don't wanna miss a God damn second of it ...' He turned and smiled at me. 'To think, little Miss Ho-down will be history ... Merry fucking Christmas to us ...'

He laughed, as he turned, and stalked to the door sliding his hands around Chelsea's waist, guiding her out. I followed behind with her coat, her bag and their key. The big smile on my face said just one thing as I shut their door. _I know something you don't_.

When I first heard, sat in the Motel in Silver Spring, the happy couple were having snow delivered for the wedding, I pissed myself laughing. When I saw it, yep, you guessed it, I pissed myself laughing.

The weather was kind enough, though. The sun shone in the watery blue sky, a cold snap from the north taking what warmth there'd been, reminding me of a Christmas in Blighty. You know the ones, sunshine all day, so you keep the curtains closed, because it's sunnier out there, on that day, than it was on the longest day.

We waited ages in the queue of limos that fed their way along the mansion lined strip. Finally, we reached the gates and turned up the never-ending drive, with its manicured lawns and trimmed box hedging.

Max was nearest the door, with his head out the window, trying to see their stupid snow. He erupted when it came into sight.

'Man, they ain't shitting us ... There's snow alright ...'

He and Stevie were taking the piss the rest of the way to the house. Some of the language received a slapped knee from Beth, but there was still a cheeky smile on her face when she did it. The comments they were coming up with were rather funny.

I had to giggle when Stevie chimed in, laughing, 'Seems it's about right for that frosty ole ho ... I always thought she was the coldest bitch I ever met ...'

As I took my fill of how fake it all was, I wondered if Anna-Lee was doing this for all the right reasons. Was she on the rebound from Max, or was she really in love with Mickey? He seemed a genuine person, even sincere and caring. I thought he would have been a little more up himself, but he turned out to be one of the good guys.

I clutched my coat to me as a shiver ran the length of my spine. Max must have felt it. He turned from the window, smiled at me, and pulled me against him. His arm, tight around me, made me feel safe and warm.

The ladies were helped from the car by the gents, the parade to be ushered under the huge porch and into the marble hallway. Snow lay in a perfect blanket across the lawn to the front. Against the trees beyond, the whiteness blurred my vision. I wanted to hook up my skirts and run straight across it. My eyes flicked around looking for a 'Keep off the snow' sign as I laughed to myself.

Max asked in a whisper, 'What ya laughing about, honey?'

I smiled at him and said, 'Nothing, sweetie ... Just being silly ...'

I watched him, as we walked into the vast space awaiting us with Champagne and strawberries dipped in white chocolate. His face was ablaze, instantly, as he greeted people from the past and present. His hand was constantly taking, and shaking, his smile a light all of its own. His eyes burnt with the excitement of everything going on around him. It was a pleasure to see him so on fire, so alive, so happy. We'd had so few of them lately, I relished mine as he relished his.

That is where he loved to be, in amongst his peers and colleagues. That was how I loved to see him, at his finest. My eyes never left him as we walked, hand in hand, around the groups. So many people, and he'd remember every name and ever connection. Talk about 'work a room'. I was in awe of him. My heart was so full of pride, and I fell in love with him all over again.

The smell of the red and white roses perfumed the air, from where they stood, elegantly arranged in tall vases. It all looked very romantic, in a festive kind of way, and I liked the red and white theme. I couldn't help that it, somehow, reminded me of the fairy-tale Snow-White and Rose-Red. What can I say?

As we ambled towards the huge ballroom, at the rear of the house, I spied their Christmas tree. It sat in the library and had been decorated in the same theme as the rest of the house. I noticed the collection of toys that sat around and under it, a huge teddy, a rocking horse, a baby's play-mat with animals hanging from a bar. I smiled at the thought of Babies First Christmas as my eyes filled with tears, such a special time for all the family. 'Wonder if she knows who the Daddy is yet?' flicked through my mind, but, as I was dragged away by Max, my tears were never seen.

The room, that was to hold the ceremony, was amazing. Mickey welcomed us, shook hands, and kissed us into the beautifully seated area.

The only way I can describe it is, think of a stunning gallery running the length of a long walk, large French doors to the left, solid wall to the right. There, hung old Masters alongside paintings of ancestors that lived so long ago the paint itself had turned dark with time. Antiques, by the score, sat on ornate Victorian sideboards. Stunning plasterwork adorned the ceiling and coving. Three chandeliers hung from exquisite ceiling roses covered with cherubs and birds.

I was dragged to a seat, by Max, still looking up. I couldn't take it all in, it was amazing. Easily seen it in a period drama back home, the rambling old English Mansion, the setting, everything, was just perfect for a Jane Austin adaptation.

When the hordes were seated, and it fell quiet, the circus began. Mickey walked to the front, with his Best Man, a bloke I'd seen somewhere before. They took their places, and spoke with the Registrar, while they waited for the nod from the doors to the rear.

Instantly, Max and Stevie started their chant, 'Go, Mickey ... Go, Mickey ... ' whilst rolling their fists in the air above their heads.

He turned and grinned nervously.

The orchestral music seemed to appear from thin air, fed through speakers dotted about, and every head in the room turned, as the doors to the rear opened.

It was quite an entrance. I finally got why she wanted the ladies in red, she was wearing the white creation. My, and what a dress it was. It suited her with her fairy-tale lifestyle. She looked like a princess, as she carried her baby daughter, in her arms, to the front.

Anna-Lee's dress was full length, white net that twinkled when she moved, and was made to fit her perfect little frame. The bodice was lace, had long sleeves, with a sweetheart neckline, and probably cost a year's wage. Her blonde hair was gathered up into ringlets, they then cascaded from a diamond tiara on her crown. The baby wore a miniature version of the same meringue, only with tiny silk slippers on her feet. I judged she must have been about seven months old by then.

Anna-Lee's head swept from side to side as she greeted people. The smile our little group received was sweet if in a rather sickly way. I returned the gesture with much the same insipid smile. My mouth might have said one thing, but my eyes definitely told a different story. Her journey ended when she stood with Mickey at the front, before the stunning walnut table, adorned with more roses. It was most entertaining.

Max squeezed his arm around my waist as he whispered into my ear, 'See if anyone stands up when it gets to the part about is there any man ... I'll piss myself laughing if a woman stands up for Mickey ... Even more if one stands up for her ...'

I tried not to laugh. I could feel it catch in my throat and had to swallow, three times, to force it back down. As it happens, there were no dramas, and the whole service was quite nice. I was kind of listening, but my eyes slowly returned to the beautiful room around me.

Max and Stevie were proving to be the small boys they really were by nudging each other and giggling

They stopped when Beth leant over, with a lovely smile and lowered voice, saying, 'If you two boys spoil this for her, I'll drag ya both outside, by the ears, and I'll tan ya childish hides black and blue ... Ya hear me?' Her eyes turned steely and the boys went quiet, temporarily anyway.

My gaze returned to the paintings as I picked out more details. The landscape that hung nearest us was of mountains and a great lake. Tiny figures, in period dress, roamed the shore with what looked like a brown and white spaniel. The light reflected from the clouds and dappled a soft shade across the expanse of water below, the sun, touching the meadows beyond. An idealistic view of a country house, somehow, lost in the past. It was probably a housing estate now, or a suburb of some great city.

I saw a face appear in my peripheral vision. My eyes dropped from the painting. Shay smiled down the line of people between us, a warm smile, like the one he used all those years ago in Uni. I smiled back, but then felt Max pull me to him and kiss my head. He was well aware of what had just happened. He'd seen it all.

The reception was held in another wing, and was a sit down meal of five courses. Everything was a small portion, and either red or white, white soup and white wine, red wine with red meat, blah, blah, blah. The white chocolate mousse, with raspberries was divine, and I scoffed both mine and Max's.

He didn't care. He and Stevie were on a bender. I could see what was coming as they did the speeches. The pair of them got a slap from Beth when they started to heckle Mickey. It was quite funny at the beginning, but Max over stepped the mark by getting a little personal.

I turned on him. 'Max ... Enough ... Please ...' My voice, low and rather upset.

He wasn't just reminding the room about the past, he was rubbing it in my face too, and it hurt. Stevie punched him in the top of his arm to shut him up. Max sat there with a hurt look on his face that slowly broke into a devilish grin, the little bugger. I knew then that the evening, which was to follow, was going to be a nightmare, and how right I was.

Their first mistake was delivering the individual Wedding Cupcakes to our table. These replaced your usual five tier creation, and looked lovely in their little red cases, a swirl of white fondant covering the top. Each one had been hand finished with a crystallised cherry, which had been preserved in brandy for a hundred months, or so they said.

The scrap started because Max stole Stevie's cherry while Beth chatted to him. They slapped at each other as Stevie whined, 'Ya fucker, ya popped my cherry, man ...'

Chelsea tried to calm it down, and I noticed how tired she looked. When Stevie noticed, she flicked it off as being a bit of a tummy upset. I'd also noticed she hadn't drunk any of the wine that sat before her. She'd had nothing but iced water since we'd gotten there, and she'd picked at her food. I sympathised, and wished I knew how she felt.

It really erupted when, as Max went to take a bite from the top of his, Stevie stood up and pushed it into his face. I gasped, a hand covering my mouth, as I looked at Max's nose and goatee, covered in white frosting, and then at Stevie in hysterics. His one line was enough.

'Bro, that's one serious cane habit you have there ... Cane, as in sugar ... D'ya get it?' he guffawed.

Max looked, with hard blue eyes, over at his brother, who was crying with laughter at his expense.

They'd gotten Beth's attention. She turned to Max. 'Don't do it,' she advised in a lowered voice.

I saw Max lift from his chair, and thought maybe he was going to deck his big brother, sat in his seat, laughing his head off. Stevie was in tears pointing at Max. He went to get away, but Max grabbed him by his head and smeared the icing around his brother's lips as he snogged him.

Joey, bless him, moved in to calm it down before it all got out of hand. I couldn't sit there, with that, any longer. I rose, with the excuse of needing the ladies, and almost made a run for that door. I asked an Usher, in the hall, if there was a bar provided and was directed towards the vast Orangery, located in the other side of the house, part of the third wing. I ambled in that direction, looking at the artwork on the walls as I went.

The Orangery reminded me of the greenhouse in Oxford's Botanical Gardens. Glass and wrought iron domes formed a stunning location for huge palms, architectural plants and the odd tree. I wanted to hear piped bird calls, but, just to be different it was, in fact, soft rock that chirped from the plants. But, with the bar dead ahead, as the Usher said, I made a bee-line for it. Promising myself I wouldn't get pissed, I ordered a long Jack and cola over ice.

The low sunlight glinted off the sculptures that sat in their cold surroundings. I was surprised to see most of them still held their shape. I think the mermaid on the rock was my favourite. It was nice in the warmth looking through the windows to admire the expanse that lay before me, all cold with snow. I see why I was reminded of snowy days on the mountain. When the sun's shining, the meadow looks fantastic. I surprised myself by suddenly becoming homesick for the lodge, and sighed with tears on the rims of my eyes.

'How long do you think they'll last then?' the familiar accent asked over my shoulder from behind.

I turned, smiling. 'Well, that depends on if a bunch of piss-heads get out there, later, and kick fuck out of them. Would you agree, Mister Blane?'

'Are you volunteering then? If you're in, I'm in,' he smiled, taking a sip of his beer.

'Watch this space,' I chuckled, 'you never know what might happen next ...'

Wish I hadn't said that. At that moment, Max bowled through the door.

'Come on, honey, they're about to leave for the airport, I wanna watch 'em go ... Ya coming?'

He came to a halt when he saw who I was talking to. The look on his face changed as he marched over and stood between me and Shay. With his back to the one person he didn't want to see, and cutting him out of my vision totally, his smile dropped as he looked down and said, quietly, 'If ya don't leave this room, with me, right now, I'm gonna leave ya here and go home, alone, okay?'

His blue eyes reflected the mood he was in, as his jawline clamped down. I saw the muscles tighten in his features as he slowly turned his eyes to the drink in my hand.

'I think ya should put that down and come with me,' he said, calmly, all sweetness and light. 'Ma and Stevie were asking where ya'd gone ... As ya know, Ma worries for ya ...'

An insipidly fake grin crept over his lips as his eyes travelled to the door, once again, before coming back to rest on me.

Fury grew in my chest and I felt fire lash from my look, as I slapped him, hard, in my mind. My eyes nearly ripped him to pieces as I quietly said, 'Just Ma, huh!'

I calmly moved around him, towards the door, smiling back at Shay. 'I'm sorry, seems there's a small problem I need to attend to ... Please, excuse me ...'

I exited the room, with Max on my heels and his hand to my waist, guiding me back to the room that held the hordes. I stopped and turned on him, amazed by his words and manners.

'I don't fucking believe you just did that ... Are you high or what?' I snarled, quietly, through gritted teeth.

He looked down at me, with a face full of anger, from under lowered brows.

'I ain't messing here, Tee ... If he so much as lays one fucking finger on ya, I'm gonna rip his God damn face off,' he seethed.

His head turned back to where Shay was still visible, stood, looking into the garden. Max was so annoyed he was breathing as if he'd been running. It worried me.

'Max, please, stop this, you're being silly ... We were just talking about the bloody ice sculptures in the garden, that's all ...'

I was amazed he was so wound up about it, like I cared about Shay.

'I don't fucking care ...' He turned back to me. 'If he comes near ya again, honey, I ain't liable for what I'll do to him ...'

'Oh, stop being such a bloody drama queen ... I can't stand this my testosterone is stronger than your testosterone horseshit ... Just let it go, please ...'

I walked off in the direction of the others. He followed after a few seconds.

The happy couple, and Charlotte Rose, were well-wished away to their retreat on some private island that belonged to a mate of his. The wedding bouquet was caught by an old girl in her late seventies, and raised a few laughs as everybody clapped. We all waved them off and then returned to the celebrations, smiling and laughing about the day.

Max was a bit distant, for a while, but, once he was back in Stevie's company, he soon livened up a little. The gallery, where the ceremony had been held, become a dance floor when the side wall was folded back to reveal a grand stage area. People bustled around doing final sound checks on the microphones, as techs plugged instruments into amps and retuned them.

I saw Stevie at the front talking to a group of young guys who looked like a band. They smiled and chatted as if old friends. Stevie's laughter could be heard over the hubbub as he joked with the guy in a faded 'Ea$y' t-shirt. They'd found something funny, and Stevie's face lit up as he drank beer, leant against the stage, arms crossed.

Max disappeared towards Stevie and the group as soon as he saw them. I glanced around the room and saw Chels and Beth sat with a few familiar faces, Craig amongst them. Chelsea smiled when she saw me looking over.

I mouthed, 'You okay?'

She nodded and mouthed, 'Yeah ...'

So I nodded and mouthed back, 'Good ...'

I stood and watched the lads while I sipped my drink. Max was chatting and doing funny actions. The young guys were laughing as he bantered and pushed into Stevie every so often. Then they'd both start laughing as they shared a moment together, their faces radiating the same look, just on different features.

I marvelled at how alike they were when they're heads bobbed together, talking and giggling. I bet they were a bloody torment as small boys. I can imagine poor Beth was run ragged by the little buggers. Smiling at the way they were so close, even when they were punching shit out of each other, I chuckled to myself. They'd revert back to being children as soon as one of them started. Why I always felt like slapping their legs, and sending them to bed without any cocoa and cookies, I don't know?

I ambled about and spoke with people Max had introduced me to earlier. We all had our favourite parts of the ceremony, and I commented that I liked the sculpture idea. Others chimed in as they expressed their views about the snow. A few eyebrows were raised and were accompanied by hidden sniggers. I moved on.

A hand caught my elbow, as a low voice whispered in my ear, 'Can I interest ya in partaking in a small joint, Mam?'

I turned to find Jake smiling at me. He looked a little tatty in his tux with a t-shirt that had a fading print of a shirt and tie on it. His dark, shoulder length hair fell into his dark eyes as he smiled at me, reminding me of a cheeky schoolboy. His face, awash with the signs of a good night, illuminated his gaze. A lazy hand came up to take the errant strand from his vision.

'Why, Sir, I most definitely could do with a small pick-me-up ... Please, lead the way,' I replied in a silly, posh English accent.

'This way, then, my dear,' he replied, one hand to my waist, as the other indicated the path I should take.

We made our way back out into the grand hall and turned into the fabulous library. The fire in the huge hearth blazed, dancing flames from large quarter cut logs stacked in a random pile. Christmas tree lights glowed in an array of colours against the green fir, the size suiting the space. I noticed the toys from earlier had gone, and it looked a little lost without its reason for being there. The books ran wall to wall, and had two of those cool ladders that roll along the shelves. I'd always promised myself, so I just had to have a play.

Jake had plonked himself down in an old leather chair, right before the grand source of heat that held his attention. He pulled a leather cigar case from his inside pocket and took a big spliff out. Replacing the lid, he put the case away, then searched for a lighter.

I glided along the rows of books, glancing at the binders facing me. My fingertips skipped over the wrinkled and peeling leather, stopping, every so often, to read a title. The books gave off a lovely musty smell, a sign of aged paper. I could have hung out in there for hours and read books by the fire. What a great way to spend a cold and rainy day.

Jake sat and smoked his spliff with his index over it as if it was a Cuban cigar. He took long, slow pulls, exhaled a string of perfect circles, then released the rest in a stream of smoke.

'I think ya gonna have to keep an eye on young Max tonight, Tee ... I can see things getting a little outta hand quite quickly with him this evening ... It'll be the Jack that sets him off, of course ... He's been looking for a fight, and I reckon he's got an eye on ya ex ... I'm just saying so ya know, is all.'

His eyes never left the fire as he spoke. Slowly his hand held out the joint for me to take.

'Thanks, and I know what you're saying, Jake ... I've already had to speak to him ... But we'll see how long that lasts, aye?'

I dropped down, taking it from his fingers, then sat in the chair opposite to took a few tokes, the weed a lovely taste on the roof of my mouth.

'So, what did you make of that then? All a bit nice, in a fake kind of way, wasn't it?' I pulled a face at Jake and made him snigger.

'Mmm, all a bit nice, and in a very fake kinda way, ya right there ... I see the way she buzzed you guys when she clocked you in your seats ... I was sat in the row behind and got a real good view ... I thought that look was gonna strike ya dead, there and then,' he chuckled at the fire. 'I think ya made quite an impression on her at the H. R. party ... Man, she spat feathers after you walked away ... She weren't expecting to see ya both here, not together, so I admire the way she just kept right on going ... Maybe, and I fucking hope, we've seen the last a that little pain in the ass ... Can't say I'm gonna miss the stupid bitch, cuz I damn well won't ... She's her own worst nightmare, that one,' he smiled over at me. 'I'm glad ya stayed with Max, he's a changed man, and we've all seen how ya keep him in check ... You're doing a real good job ... Keep it up,' he laughed.

'Well, he's not the easiest of guys to handle, as you know, and I'll be the first to admit that, but I'm doing the best I can with what I've got.' I chuckled as I stood and passed him his joint back. 'Thanks for that, Jake ... Guess I'd better get back, we don't want Mister Manley getting all worried about his misses doing a bunk, aye?' I giggled as I headed for the door. Turning back, I spoke. 'We don't do this enough, do we, the chat and spliff thing? ... Maybe we should do it more often ...?'

'No fuckin way, dude,' he laughed. 'If Max got wind of us in here, now, he'd rip my fuckin legs off ... Didn't ya know, once ya married ole Numb Nuts there, ya instantly had a huge neon, Mine, keep the fuck off, sign illuminate above ya head?' he smiled, as I opened the door to leave. 'Tee!' he called.

I turned to face him again, my eyes catching the flicker of the fire. He was so stoned, but really happy, as usual..

'... If he gives ya any shit, just punch him in the nuts again ... That should shut him the fuck up for a while, and no mistaking,' he grinned.

Old Habits Die Hard

As soon as I left the library I could hear the music pumping. I ambled back to the bar to get another long Jack before heading over to the others. People spoke as I passed, and I caught sight of Shay talking to the Best Man. It dawned on me, then, where I'd seen him before. His name was Trev Day and we'd met at a few Uni parties. I remembered seeing him with the guys at Tony's, too. Small world isn't it when, after all those years, and after crossing all those miles, he should pop up again. As I remember, he was doing the same photography course as the others. Maybe that's how Shay got the Human Records contract?

Beth and Chelsea hadn't moved from their table at the far end. We waved and smiled at each other as I made my way through the crush of people with my glass held high. I could see Stevie at the end of the stage talking to a stocky chap with tribal tattoos down his arms. His long beard ended where his hair did, and his dress code, of black jeans and black t-shirt, completed the look of Rock Dude but, alas, I still couldn't see Max.

Craig appeared at my side. 'The last time I saw him he was heading in that direction with a bloke called Terry, that's all I know ... Honest,' he hollered over the loud music.

He nodded towards a door at the far end of the room. You could hardly see it now the lights were down and the glitter ball was doing its thing. He kissed my cheek and was gone through the crowd towards Beth and Chelsea, carrying a triangle of three drinks.

I slowly edged my way towards the door in the gloom. I had a vague idea of what was probably going on. The dance floor had a bunch of semi-pissed people moshing about, and dancing badly, but I wasn't looking to be pulled into that. The band had a real heavy groove-thing goin on, with the bass and drums, which I quite liked. I passed by, smiling at the moving group, maybe later I'd join them, I'd have to see how pissed I got first.

Reaching the door, I turned the handle and opened it slowly, popping my head round to look before leaping. Nice room, big, white wood panelling to mid-way, soft green above. Looked like a day room. The long, dark green curtains had been pulled closed, and table lamps glowed at each end of the long leather couches. Magazines and The Times littered the long wooden coffee table placed near, yet another, open fire. Vogue had been abandoned on an armchair by the window, and I noticed a cat curled up asleep on the corner couch. I could, also, hear mumbling and headed in that direction, one definitely being Max's voice.

'Jesus, fucking, Christ, boy,' Max said, 'hurry up ... How long does it take to chop a fucking line? For fuck sake, give it here ...'

I stopped in my tracks and listened for more. They were stood in the alcove that led to another part of the house.

'Fuck you, Max,' the English accent replied, 'ya always were a greedy fucka ...'

I heard Max mumble something, and then an obvious snorting sound. With a grin, I walked to the window chair. I took the Vogue, sat down with my drink, and started to flick through the pages.

Silence beyond, except for the snorting sound every so often.

'Jesus, how much of that shit is he putting up his damn nose?' I thought to myself, as I listened and watched, waiting for the session to stop.

They appeared, eventually, wiping the ends of their noses with the backs of their hands. They stopped dead. Max looked rinsed-out as his eyes adjusted to the gloom and saw it was me. The stranger looked at Max, then over in my direction.

'Hi, honey, having a nice time are you?' I gave him my sweetest smile. 'I hope you haven't been doing anything naughty back there ... Stevie would be devastated if he found out you have your old habit back. You know how that would just crush him.' I sat staring at the pair of them for a second, then jumped up and walked towards them. 'I'm sorry,' I said, extending my hand to the newbie. 'How rude of me ... I'm Tee, Max's wife.' We shook as I continued. 'Have we met before?' I asked, but then answered myself. '... No ... I don't think we have ... Nice to meet you ...?' I looked straight at him, my features indifferent.

'Terry, Terry ... Smith ... Yeah, nice to meet ya ... Tee ...'

He sniffed and smiled as he shook my hand, his eyes, watery and vacant, didn't look at me once.

I released my grip and turned to Max. 'Are you ready to go?'

'Go where?' he asked, his eyes almost matching those of the grunt who stood next to him. He grinned stupidly. 'To bed?'

'No, you cock, back to the party ... Or, do you want to stay here?' I was watching his reaction.

He swayed round and looked at Terry, then swung back to look at me.

'I wanna go with you,' he replied, pointing a swaying finger at me, 'cuz, right now, you're a damn sight better looking than he is ...'

His finger swerved from pointing at me to pointing to Terry.

I sighed, loudly, knowing that this mess of a man, who stood before me, was only going to get worse throughout the night. The sleeping pills, at the hotel, seemed a million miles away.

Looking at the huge mantle clock, I decided what would be best for Max first, then me, and then everybody else. It was nearing midnight and I thought that, if we were off to Beth's the next morning, maybe we should just go back to the hotel so he could sleep it off. Good idea, but easier said than done.

Max grabbed my hips and pushed me to the door with not so much as a by-my-leave. I tried to yank free but the bloke doesn't know his own strength.

In the end I had to shout at him. 'MAX, you arsehole, you're hurting me ... LET ME GO ...'

He realised, then, and released me from his hold with a slobbery kiss and a pat on the head.

The next bit wasn't very funny. As soon as Stevie saw his face, he knew what he'd been up to. He instantly left the conversation he was having and pushed through the throng to reach us. I saw the look on Stevie's face as he got nearer. I waited for a fist to be raised but not that time.

Max smiled at Stevie as he entered the space where we stood. Stevie approached at rather a rapid pace and almost lifted Max off the floor by his lapels. His back crashed against the door that we'd just come through, as Stevie yelled in his baby brother's face.

'YA STUPID FUCKER ... Ya said ya wouldn't ... EVER AGAIN ... Ya promised, Max ... ON PA'S GRAVE ...'

The ruckus got everybody's attention, including that of Beth and Chelsea. They hurried through the crowd to where I was trying to get between the boys.

Max was reeling as he replied. 'Arh, shit, Stevie, I'm just having a little fun ... Leave me the fuck alone, will ya ...'

Stevie pulled a fist back, as if to hit him, so I moved to stand in the way.

'Max, shut the fuck up, please ... Stevie, listen to me ...' My hands were raised against the expanse of chest before me, I held him back as much as he'd let me. 'Don't do this ... Not here ...' He looked down into my eyes for a few seconds as I continued. 'Let him go, Stevie, he's so shitfaced he can hardly stand, look at him.'

I tried a smile to test the waters, as Max squirmed around behind me.

Stevie pointed a finger over my shoulder into Max's face. 'That little shit needs to get the fuck outta my sight, Tee ... Take him anywhere, just get him the fuck away from me ...' His anger burst from him. 'NOW ...'

'Okay, Stevie, but I'll need some help.' I looked to my right and saw Joey move forward a step. 'Joey,' I nodded, 'can you help me here, please? If you can take the other arm for me, thanks.' I supported one side as Joey took control of the other.

Stevie let go of Max's jacket. He stood, seething, with his hands on his hips. He glanced over to Beth and her sad look. Shaking his head, his disappointment obvious, he turned and pushed his way through the onlookers to disappear towards the stage. Chelsea had her arm around Beth's shoulder as she turned her away from the excitement in the corner. I watched them as they disappeared into the crowd and back to their waiting table.

Looking over at Joey, around a seriously wasted Max, I asked, 'Can you help me get him out to the car ... I think Mummy's little soldier, here, has had enough for one night, don't ya think?'

I attempted a smile, but Joey knew the score. Hadn't we all been there, before, with him being like that?

Between us, we managed to semi-drag, and semi-carry, Max through the house to the front door. Sitting him on an outside couch, Joey went off in search of our limo. Max was so fucked I was waiting for him to slide onto the floor, unconscious. He could just about keep his slits for eyes open, and was laughing to himself behind me, the nutter.

The memory of being in his position was still vivid in my mind. Last time, the shoe was on the other foot, as I recall. Max could have kicked off, like I had at Chelsea's party, but he was so wasted he couldn't see straight, thank the Gods. I know Tequila, Jack, and the odd line will probably have different effects on different people, but I still counted my lucky stars that Shay didn't show his face. Now, that would've given Max an excellent reason to have a childish strop, get all shirty, and try to fling some fists.

In the gloom of the house lights, I could see the virgin blanket of snow on the beds and out across the front lawn. A couple of the sculptures stood, silent, in their snow white world, their silhouettes just visible in the dark. I looked at Max, then back at all that lovely fluffy stuff. It just had to be done.

I picked up my skirts, checked over my shoulder, and ran straight for it. It was ankle deep in places and not a footprint in any of it. I lay down, in my thousand dollar coat, and made snow angels, then I screwed it into balls and threw it at the sculptures as I ran passed. Laughing to myself, I enjoyed every second, and attracted the attentions of one person in particular. I stopped and smiled as Shay wandered onto the lawn, scooped up snow into his hands, made a ball, and threw it, straight at me. War had been declared.

Screaming and playing like kids, we rubbed snow into each other's hair and faces. We hid behind trees and chased each other in circles, trying to get the perfect shot. We were covered from head to foot and laughed till we cried. We attracted more people with the guffaws as one hit the other with compacted snow.

Soon there was half a dozen of us all enjoying the silliness. Black tux and ruby red frocks frolicked in a snowball war, as Shay chased me across the drive and back again. A middle aged guy got him straight in the back of the head. Laughing, the way I did, just made him chase me more. I was almost breathless when I ran around the side of the house, and straight into an angry Max.

He didn't say anything. He stood, looking from me to Shay, and then back at me, his lips pulling up over his teeth, his brows slowly coming to meet in the middle, the frown, not a good sign. Looking down, I noticed he was screwing his fists into hard balls, his gaze resting back on the man chasing his wife around in the snow. Somehow, moving quicker than I could, he was around me and heading for Shay in a second.

'KEEP the FUCK AWAY from MY WIFE,' he roared, as he readied himself to take a swing, but Shay danced away from the punch that hit thin air. Max almost exploded. 'YA MOTHAFUCKA... I'LL GET YA ... YA PIECE A SHIT ... I SWEAR TO GOD ... I WILL ... YA HEAR ME ...'

But Shay was already on the move. 'Catch ya later, Tee-bird ... Bye,' he laughed over his shoulder, as he ran for the front of the house, a hand waving and a joker's smile on his face, the little sod.

Grabbing at his arm, as he went to follow, I just about managed to pull him back. 'Leave it, Max ...'

Facing away from me, he stood peering over the garden of darkness, which Shay had just slipped effortlessly through. After a pause of silence, he turned on me.

'If ya try and stop me next time, I swear to God, it'll be you I fucking hit, woman ...'

'Oh, yeah ... You gotta catch me first,' I replied, as I stuck my tongue out at him and dashed back into the night. Scooping up a handful of snow, I stood to face him.

'Don't ya dare,' he whispered, pointing his wavering finger in my general direction.

I smiled, sweetly, before launching the ball of hard snow at him. I got him, full in the chest, and then I erupted into girly laughter. Blowing a loud raspberry at him, I bent for more. His face was a picture. Poor, stoned, Max didn't know what to do next.

It hit him in the shoulder, again, and I doubled up, arms holding myself. His stern look suddenly broke into a gorgeous smile as he launched himself towards me. I ran, like I had the Devil himself after me, screaming across the lawn, heading for the front of the house. I was nearly level with the entrance lights when I felt arms at my waist, then the weight of him taking me down.

I landed with a gob full of snow, as Max laughed like a fool. He rolled me over and kissed me softly, the snow melting in his goatee. As he pulled away, I saw his hand come up, and the ball coming towards me. It was rubbed into my face and fringe, resulting in screams of laughter, regardless of me cussing like a bitch at him. We hadn't had that much fun in ages and we relished those silly moments, together, being children for a while.

It was as we lay there, kissing, and I whispered, 'No, I love you more,' and he replied, 'Nah, I love you more,' we noticed a pair of feet come and stand by us.

Our gazes travelled up the legs, coming to rest on Stevie's stern face looking down at us. Max scrabbled to his feet, smiling at him, as Stevie turned and started to walk away with not a word said.

Max looked at me, grinning, dipped, and grabbed snow into a fairly substantial lump, moulding it into a ball. I was still sat in the snow looking at Max and watching his actions.

'Honey, no,' I whispered, 'I don't think you ...'

Too late. The misshapen ball hit Stevie right between the shoulder blades, dead centre, and a beauty of a shot.

'Take it like a bitch ... Take it like a bitch,' Max chanted as he loped in a big circle on the lawn with his fists in the air, the champion of all shots.

Still laughing, he came to a stop. Looking at his motionless brother's back, he rested with his hands on his knees, panting hot breath into the cold night air.

I sat in the snow watching Max, but when he looked up, my head swung round to where Stevie had, quietly, come to a halt. I knew something was about to happen, he still hadn't said a word. Slowly, he turned, his features set and, looking rather pissed in the non-alcoholic sense of the word, his eyes flared as they came to rest on Max, who was still laughing from where he stood on the lawn.

I swear, Stevie went from zero to light-speed in three seconds flat. He cleared the low box hedge, and headed for Max, with his teeth gritted and a growl that would make a lion piss its pants.

Max watched him turn and, in that moment, scooped up more snow to make another ball. As Stevie charged at him, his aim was perfect. It got Stevie straight in the face, covering his eyes and filling his mouth, but still he kept coming.

Max turned and raced across the lawn, heading for the far side of the house. As he tried to swerve round Stevie he was tackled to the floor by his older sibling, I was most impressed. I clapped and cheered as Stevie took him down, in a rather heavy way, the sound echoing across the stillness. I even felt them land.

They rolled in the snow for a bit, as they battered each other for fun. I stood and wondered over to witness Stevie with a handful of the white stuff, which was to be rammed down the back of Max's trousers, making him squeal his distaste. He gave Stevie a dead-leg, as a thank you, and clambered to his feet while he could. He collected huge handfuls and dumped the mass on Stevie's head like a woolly hat.

While Max was chortling over that, and bending to gather more, Stevie threw a perfect shot that got him straight in his open laughing gob and goatee. I watched as they dissolved into another scrap before a small crowd of onlookers. They were in hysterics as they forced each other to eat faces full of cold, white mush.

Eventually, they wore themselves out and lay, silent, in the snow. Max made a few snow angels by rolling in a circle and joining them all up, which I thought was rather good for him. Stevie made one where he was, and then lingered there, breathing large plumes into the freezing air above him.

Max was whizzing his nuts off, you didn't have to get too close to see that. I didn't want to have to cope with him, all night, being that manic, and we had that bloody flight to catch. When I turned to see where he'd gone he was, in fact, doing kung-fu moves on the ice sculpture of a rearing horse, whilst chopping at the raised hoofs as if they were raised fists. He was in a world all of his own, doing a different kind of flying and, somewhere, I had to get him onto a plane like that.

Homeward Bound

He was very quiet on our early flight home. We'd left the party, gone back to the hotel, packed and checked-out, while Max was unconscious in the car. He was amazed when I pulled him from the limo and then stuffed him onto a plane. The fact it had been a fare few hours, between leaving the do and boarding, meant nothing to him. He didn't actually see any of it, his eyes were shut for the entire duration and, let's face it, the mad bast'd was pretty rinsed.

He ate little and was generally short with everyone. We didn't see that much of him when he was awake. He spent most of his time welded to the bar, slamming Jack, and chatting shit. Thank God he slept the rest of it.

I know it's only about three hours, but that flight feels as if it goes on forever, especially when Max's mood resembles a stormy day. I'd already told Stevie, if Max gave me any crap, I was going to feed him a couple of my sleeping pills. Stevie's reaction was to nod and offer his assistance, should Max become a pain in the arse. I thanked him with a smile, and attempted to get back to sleep. Max was, yet again, sat at the bar.

The weather was a blinding shock. We were told, by the Captain himself, that snow had hit Edmonton and that it would be pretty cold but, somehow, his words didn't express the enormity of the change in temperature. I'd had the sense to keep my fake fur coat to hand and, boy, was I glad I did. The wind, that cut through us, almost stripped the skin from our faces, after being on a nice warm plane. Thank God Joey took an earlier flight and met us when we landed. No fucking about, we were straight through, into the Merc, and gone.

It was still the early hours when we reached Beth's House. Her neighbour had cleared the drifts of snow and the garden looked like an over iced cake, the plants, below, trapped in their coat of frosting. It was still dark as we unloaded the car and carried bags and cases into the house. Joey didn't stay. He was off to see his parents for a few weeks and to have New Year with them, at home, in England.

'I'm really looking forward to some me time away from their bloody ugly faces,' he called back, laughing, as I walked him to the door.

'Arh, up ya ass, ya damn mammoth,' Stevie called in reply, 'and don't go choking to death on ya damn bangers and mash, ya hear?' he finished with a laugh.

It wasn't long before the open fire, in the front-room, was lit, and cocoa sat on the stove, the smell wafting through the house. Max was sitting in the kitchen talking to Beth as she fussed round him. He'd looked a bit peaky for a while, and hadn't really said much since we left the airport. She passed him his mug, with little marshmallows floating in the top, and a plate of her notoriously divine almond cookies.

I stood and watched the affection between mother and son from the doorway. Her hand rested gently on his cheek before she ran her fingers through his hair. There was a lot of love in the way she gazed at him, the way she lifted his chin to look at her, eye to eye. The smiles mirrored each other as they nodded and chatted, after everything, he was still her baby boy.

I ambled back to where Stevie and Chels drank theirs and rested tired cold feet before a roaring fire. Snuggled in each other's arms, I grinned as I fell into the chair by the window.

'What ya smiling about? What ya done, Tee-bird?' Stevie asked.

He was laid with Chelsea at his side, feet crossed and stretched out before him. His eyes narrowed slightly as he asked his question.

'Nothing, except,' my excitement burst from me, 'it's Christmas, Stevie ... Christmas means pressies and food and stuff ... You not excited?'

Chelsea's face turned up to his, as if she'd been the one to ask the question. We both looked at him and awaited his reply.

'Yeah, I can't wait ... Till it's done with and we can all get back to normal life again.' He looked into the fire as he continued. 'I'll be glad when this year is over, that's for sure.'

His eyes had glazed over, and he was lost in the flames again. He fell silent.

I looked at Chelsea. 'Wrapped all ya pressies then?'

Her face turned towards me. I was glad I'd had mine wrapped for me when I bought them. It saved an awful lot of time and effort.

'Actually, I got one left to do,' she replied with a giggle, 'but it can wait till later.' She looked over at me and winked, then snuggled back into Stevie.

I sat and listened to the mumbles of a mother to son, a comforting drone that carried across the kitchen. Beth was chatting as she started our Christmas dinner. We were going to have that and then open pressies afterwards.

The multi-coloured lights, on her lovely tree, caught my attention and I started to drift off. I travelled back to the night before, and Shay slid into my head. I had to giggle to myself as our silly antics flooded my memory. He was still a cheeky bugger, and he knew it alright. His face swam before my eyes when I closed them. An array of past times jumped from one moment to another. Remembering Shay always brought a smile to my face.

I couldn't believe it was only 10:40 in the morning when I looked at the mantle clock. The flight was uncomfortable, to say the least, as Max escorted his odd mood around Club Class. I knew it was bad when the Hostess came to take empty glasses away. His red eyes had lifted to her face as he growled deep and low in his throat. She'd blinked, quickly, not knowing what to do, as she looked over at me in my seat.

'I'd smiled, apologetically. 'Sorry,' I shrugged, as she moved on.

I drifted back, to the sound of quiet voices in the room next door, and wondered how Max was doing. Getting up, I ambled into the kitchen, and was amazed to find him in tears hugging Beth. I hurried over and placed a hand to his waist.

'What's wrong, sweetie?' My concern evident as I looked up at Max.

'He's havin a come-down moment, I think ... I just turned around and there he was,' Beth replied with a muffled voice, her face buried into his chest.

He let her go and turned to me, his sadly tired face washed out and red from tears.

'I'm a little fucked-up, honey ... I think I need to sleep ... Will ya come up with me, please?' he asked, his arms extending out so I could walk into them and be pulled to him.

How could I refuse with him looking at me like that? 'Come on, sweetie ... I'll take you up ... You look like crap,' I smiled.

Beth stood behind him, wiping tears from her eyes with her pinny. She didn't say another word as I led him to the stairs.

I helped him undress and get under the bedspread, in his low ceilinged attic room. Old posters still adorned the walls, left from his teenage years, which were full of weed and heavy metal probably. Aged acoustic guitars stood to one side, gathering dust, but still awaiting the day they might be played again. The room hadn't changed in all those years. Beth had left it just as he had.

He was silent for most of the time. It didn't look like he had much to say anyway. I brushed the curls from his face and looked down at him. His big sigh was a sad sound against the silence of the room. I watched as his eyes travelled to the roof then, rolling onto his back, he spread out a little.

'What ya thinking about?' I asked after a little while. I was laid down next to him on the bed, my head on his chest, my arm across his covered torso.

'I was just thinking about the crazy life we have, and how nothing ever goes right for us.'

I could feel him twisting a lock of my hair around a finger as he spoke over my head.

'... Even when we work, like fuck, we always seem to get more shit somehow ... I was wondering why that was, is all.'

His head rolled sideways, on his pillow, as his arm came down to hug me. I felt him kiss the top of my head. His lips remained there while I answered.

'Well, like they say, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger ... I believe, as long as we have each other, we'll be okay ... I know this year has been a bit crap but, hey, so was some of last year.' I sighed away the bad memories with a chuckle. 'I can only tell you that I love you, and that I'm not going anywhere without you, ever again.' I felt his cheek rest against my crown. 'I'm afraid you're stuck with me now, you poor bastard.'

I giggled and heard Max chuckle through his chest.

'Baby, I wouldn't have it any other way ...' He kissed my head, again, as he laughed, 'Besides, who else would put up with all of ya crazy shit?'

Everybody was having a kip before dinner, leaving Beth and I to enjoy a glass of Champagne, sat before the open fire, with our feet up. Between us we'd sorted dinner and everything was almost ready. We were having a huge beef joint, which had been slow cooked, to perfection, for nearly six hours. When we tested it to see if it was ready, the meat fell apart. Still pink in the middle, it was looking good.

We laid the pine table in very traditional colours. Beth had a stunning centre piece Max had brought her back from London. Red and gold flowers, mixed with holly, surrounded a collection of different sized candles in ornate glass chimneys.

One thing I did managed to find, on our excursion round L.A., was crackers. More red and gold foil, that were tied with pretty ribbon, promised to be rather good, with their usual collection of crap contents, i.e. pants puzzles, tiny sized paper hats, and the most appalling jokes ever. It'd all looked so lovely when we'd finished, she'd passed me her camera so I could take some photos with her posing. We were very pleased with ourselves and decided to open Champagne to help celebrate.

We sat talking about the canvas portrait of Max and Stevie I'd given her the year before. It was hung on the wall next to the fireplace. The sun came directly through the window and lit it perfectly. I remember that day, the one in the painting, as if it were yesterday. Our first weekend away, really. I'd met Max and the gang in Amsterdam.

I sat and told Beth the parts of the story I thought she could handle, but omitted the seedier things we'd all gotten up to. I didn't think she was ready for the live sex shows and rampant screwing in dark hotels. It probably wasn't what she wanted to hear at the time.

I explained the hours I'd spent getting their faces right. She replied, as soon as she opened it, and saw who it was and who it was by, she'd shed a unexpected tear. It had pride of place in her front room, and she'd shown it to anyone who cared to see it. She liked to boast about her daughter-in-law being an Artist/Writer. Her talented family were well known throughout her Church group. They all knew what we did. She was so proud of us, and she liked to tell people about how clever we all were.

Stevie was the first to stir and amble downstairs. He walked into the front room, yawning and scratching his crotch, saying, 'Table looks nice ... When we eating?'

Beth's reply, after emptying her flute, was, 'Don't do that, dear, we have guests ... And dinner is when your brother, and your fiancé, pull their lazy butts outta bed ... Now, scoot and get ya Mama another glass of Champagne, please, sweetheart ... Thank you.'

She held up her empty glass for Stevie to take, then looked over at mine in my hand.

'And I reckon Tee could do with a top up too, honey, there's a good son,' she grinned, as she winked over at me, her pretty eyes a little sparkly from the alcohol.

Stevie took them both and walked off into the kitchen. He still looked knackered, even though he'd slept for about five hours. I heard the radio go on and a Christmas song was murdered, by him, as he poured us all a drink. I'd never heard the thrash version of 'Silent Night' before. I sat giggling as Beth shouted at him to shut up.

'... The way ya going, Santa will pass us by, Stevie ... He'll hear that and think you're killing us all,' she called to him in the kitchen.

He ambled back in, carrying all three glasses, singing at the top of his voice, badly. We each took a drink to chink a cheers, stood by the fire, with the Christmas tree softly glowing behind us.

Stevie heard the stairs first. Chelsea walked into the room looking fantastic. She'd showered and wore a lovely red dress, with a glittery gold band just below the bust. I laughed when I looked down to see the red, fluffy slippers to match, and complimented her on her delightful ensemble. Stevie handed her his glass and returned to the kitchen for another and, once again, we toasted the season. Max still hadn't surfaced and I could see Beth checking the time every so often.

'I'll go and see if he's awake, Beth, he might be in the shower,' I said, quietly, as I pulled a face, walked from the room, and left the others to their Champagne and laughter.

The room was dark and quiet as I entered. Max's body still formed a mound in the bed and I envied him his hours of sleep. As I walked over, I could hear his rhythmic breathing in the gloom. It was a peaceful sound, one that made me feel at home. Climbing onto the bed, behind him, I huddled up against his back, my face buried in his warm curls. The smell of him was a sour, musky aroma, and I knew it was the drugs and booze escaping through his pours. Let's face it, he smelt pretty rank.

'Honey, dinner's nearly ready ... You having a shower and coming down?' I asked, softly, my face still hidden.

'Shit,' he chuckled, 'am I still alive ...?' His deep voice spoke from beneath a pillow.

'Yes, darling, you are, and we have dinner waiting, and crackers to pull, and pressies to open, so ...' I moved to my knees and started tickling him through the covers, 'get ya ass off the grass and let's go par-tay ...'

'Jesus, woman, quit hassling me ... Can't ya see ya man's trying to get some damn rest here, for fuck sake?' His head moved a little so he could finish his sentence.

I stopped and looked down at the talking mound.

'Okay, honey, we can do this the easy way, no pun intended, or, we can do it the hard way ... Now, I tried easy and that hasn't worked, so, I'll try the hard, I don't mind,' I replied, climbing from the bed.

Moving to where his feet stuck out from under the bedspread, bending, I grabbed it, with both hands, and started my countdown. 'Three, two, and one...'

With one movement the cover was whisked off Max and onto the floor beside me.

He was quiet for a moment, but then his face turned towards me.

'Why'd ya have to go and do that? ... I gotta get all active and come and get ya now.'

His eyes watched me as I stood with my hands on my hips, defiantly standing my ground. He was still on the bed, naked, bless him.

'Give it ya best shot then, big man,' I giggled at him.

'Oh, yeah ... Bring, it, on,' he grinned, as he moved to crawl towards me, his eyes never leaving mine.

He leapt from his spot, grabbed me around the waist, then threw me onto the mattress. I screamed with laughter as he landed across me as if a wrestler pinning his opponent down. I wriggled an arm free and started to smack his pert arse, while he made a feeble attempt to gain higher ground. I was crying with laughter as he spun round to sit on me whilst pinning my wrists to the bed.

'Do ya give up yet, ya little minx?' he smiled down at me.

His untidy curls hung down his cheeks and framed his lovely face. It was a shame the red-eye made him look only slightly insane.

'Never, sir ... I'll fight to the death for my honour,' I barked at him, my laughter almost escaping.

With that, I moved my wrists a little too quickly for his grip. As soon as they were free, I grabbed him around the waist and wrestled him onto the bed, sideways, to make my escape. I was off the mattress and lifting the bedspread from the floor as he turned to me.

Without another word, I threw it over him like a big-game net. I could hear him laughing from within. Rushing the moving bed monster, I grappled it down onto the mattress but, he, working his way free and still laughing, threw his arms round me so mine were pinned to my sides.

Running his tongue over my cheeks and face, I screamed, 'RELEASE ME FROM SATAN'S BREATH, I BEG YOU ... PLEASE, SWEET JESUS ... PLEASE ...'

I was still laughing, as he rolled us over onto the bed, only a little too far and a little too fast. We kept going, becoming entangled in the quilted fabric, only to roll straight off the edge of the divan. I landed on him with a thud.

'... Jesus, woman, I think ya broke something ...' The landing had knocked the wind from him.

'Oh, fuck ... Hope it isn't ya dick, honey,' I giggled down at him.

When we both heard the door open, our heads popped up from the side of the bed to see who it was.

Stevie stepped into view. 'Jesus Christ, don't you two ever stop humping?'

Max and I looked at each other and giggled.

'Come on, you guys, quit with the mattress manoeuvres, Ma's going crazy over this dinner ...'

He paused as Max squeezed my arse in his hands and ground our crouches together.

'... She said, if ya don't get ya butts downstairs in five, we're starting without ya ...'

He stood in the doorway with one hand on the door knob, as the other rested on the doorframe. The smile never left his face. He shook his head, as he laughed and left, closing the door behind him.

I demanded that we both had a shower and presented the rest of the family with vaguely human versions of ourselves, seeing as it was Christmas and all. That was a mistake. Max was fab at washing all the bits of me that would take any man ages to wash. In the end, I snatched the scrunchy off him and washed myself. He stood, watching and smiling, like a gimp, as water dripped from his hair and goatee, his red eyes slowly turning a nicer shade of pink.

By the time we made it downstairs, the guys were seated at the table. Apologising for our tardiness, we sat and looked over at Stevie and Chelsea. After Beth had sorted the last dishes of vegetables, she joined us too.

Stevie was grinning at Max, as I grinned at Chelsea. Seemed we all had little secrets that day. Dinner was a feast of many things. The table heaved as Beth took her placed at the head of it, and asked that we say Grace with her. She'd had a few glasses of Champagne, by then, and it showed in her actions. She was such a cool lady, and it always made me giggle to see her a little worse for wear, regarding plonk anyway.

Between them, Max and Stevie demolished most of what had graced the table. After the crackers had been pulled, they dived in, as if they'd never been fed, their paper hats at silly angles on their heads. The ladies sat back, as the table was reduced to its former glory by the two young locusts. I have no idea where they put it all, but there wasn't much seconds to be had, not by the time they'd finished stuffing themselves. Honest to God, I was truly amazed at the speed.

When the table was cleared, the plates washed, dried and put away, and everyone's waistband groaning, we all ambled into the front room. Flopping into comfy chairs, we all sighed with the ache of over indulgence. Silence hung in folds, except for the boys trying to out-do each other with their burping contest. Beth soon put a stop to it when Max nearly threw-up in his hand. I could only sit and laugh at the antics of a couple of terrible little boys. How Beth coped for all those years, on her own, God only knows? If I'd been her, I swear, they'd never have made it into their teens.

Beth had told me, when we'd first met, about some of the troubles the pair of them had got themselves into, not just in the early days of moving to Canmore, but throughout their adolescence. Not that it had ended, they still acted the same, most days, the naughty sods, even in their thirties. She always said that starting the band was what, probably, saved them both from being incarcerated.

Max became a known face soon after their move to Ponoka, there'd been an incident with the town library, and he'd been spotted running from his High School after it accidently caught fire. The local Law put him on a eight o'clock curfew in the end. He was only fourteen years old, and a cocky little fucker.

Stevie was just as bad, but in other ways. He was the hard man, always having fights and coming home wasted with black eyes and bloody noses. As Max reached his late teens, he followed in his older sibling's footsteps and, so, she'd have two of them to patch up on a weekend.

By the time they were making it with the band, they were in their early twenties, and both had dope habits. Beth knew Max was dabbling with different stuff through Anna-Lee. As soon as she'd come home from Vancouver the drinking and drugs scene exploded. It seems Max and Stevie had relished the experimenting. The states they'd come home in were pretty bad, by all accounts, but Beth said she didn't know how to stop the snowball it had become. She could see that Max was besotted with the girl, he wasn't going to give her up that easily.

In the end, Stevie met Chels and they paired off on their own. She had her own place in Red Deer, back then, so they spent most of their time there. The boys worked hard, building the band, gigging, travelling in a Transit, croaking and bashing out the hit songs of the future. Though the limelight was blinding them on one side, on the other, Stevie still hated Anna-Lee with a passion. He knew she was a freeloading psycho bitch who was slowing his baby brother down, but what could he do, Max loved her.

Soon enough, the trouble between her sons started, and Beth watched, helplessly, as her little family tore itself apart. It seemed to go on like that for years. Right up until a certain name was mentioned in several conversations she had with Stevie, and Max, on separate occasions.

They both seemed taken with the English bird, hence the nickname Tee-bird, they were working with at the design studio in London. What made her laugh was Stevie's comment about me being the type of woman Max needed behind him. Beth told me a little of the first conversations they had about me.

"Ma," Stevie had said, "ya'd like her as much as I do, ya really would, she's nothing but nice ... She's dead brainy with a wicked sense of humour ... Now, that's the type of girl that Max needs to get himself involved with ... Hell, did he tell ya, she can shut him up with a single look, I swear to God?"

Gifts Galore

Beth suggested we all go and get our bags of pressies. Once we'd done that, we all seated ourselves around the tree. Stevie brought in a tray of Champagne and we toasted a great dinner, our lovely family, friends far and near, and the year to come. '... Cheers ...' we all said at once, stood in the light of the fire and the Christmas tree glow.

Stevie, being the man of the house, sat on the floor and dished pressies out. His surprise was evident when he realised the big one, near the back, had his name on the tag. Tearing at the wrapping, you saw nothing but an excited child. We sat and watched as he revealed the leather bomber jacket.

He swore, then apologised to Beth, as he jumped to his feet and tried it on. I couldn't have found a better fit and he looked so cool in it. Grabbing me from the floor, the hug I received nearly broke ribs, before kissing me so hard, on the forehead, I nearly sustained a concussion, the nutter.

He'd already had his choky tractors. He sat in bed and scoffed those to himself, the cheeky git, after which, he asked me if they'd done choky locomotives because, surely, they'd have even more chocolate, especially if it came with all the carriages.

The graphic novels were a huge hit, when he sat and opened them. They kept him quiet for ages, but the jacket was the clear winner for the night. He loved it so much he wore it for the rest of the evening. I commented he should wear it on his latest Harley Custom, the one Max had recently acquired for him, as part of his Christmas Collective. He could cruise round and pose to his heart's content, a pastime he enjoyed immensely. He liked that thought, and smiled to himself as he nodded his head, the vision already forming.

Beth loved her shawl and sat with it wrapped around her shoulders. The trinket box and brooch brought a tear to her eye. Charley, her beloved lost husband, had bought her one like it years before, but it had been broken in the move. The hug and kiss I received was a reflection of her love for the small items. The brooch was pinned to her blouse, were it stayed.

Chelsea went mad over all her gifts. The Pan Swift necklace had her overwhelmed by the fact I even remembered that she liked him. She sat with it on along with her Angora hat, scarf and gloves. Her shawl was ripped open and was wrapped around her like a sarong. The jewel colours worked perfectly with her dress and fluffy slippers. It all suited her so much, the mad bat.

Max was quiet as he sat in his armchair with me on the floor by his feet. He loved all his gifts, but was rather reserved throughout the night. The Zippo had been a clear winner, as had the other stuff. The Raybans were sat on top of his head as he flicked through the first few pages of Huckleberry Fin. The cufflinks sat on the side, the diamonds catching the light from the fire and throwing a pattern up the wall as the flames flickered. He'd also received a full-length, leather coat from Stevie, which made him look even taller than he really was, and it so suited him.

There'd also been a few other little silly gifts, dark chocolate tits, the latest Dumb Junkies album, a $icK HippiZ t-shirt and a collection of desktop drag bikes from his Ma. She did the boys gift boxes every year. It's a nice idea and full of nice things for them to eat, play with and chuckle at.

Ultimately, though, I guess, the best had to be a very nice addition to the bike collection. Max's gift from Stevie, it came in the way of a lovely new Triumph Bonneville in red and black, and she was stunning.

When Stevie marched us to Beth's garage, we found it wrapped in paper with a huge bike-shaped gift tag attached to it. What made me laugh was that Stevie had managed to keep the shape of the bike. It looked brilliant with its wide ribbon and big bow around the tank.

We had to have a go, there and then. Once Max had ripped it open, and warmed her up a little for me, I got my chance. It was still a bit slippery on the drive and pretty dark by then, but the highway was clear enough.

I only intended to go a little ways, but it was too much not to take a ride up the road a little further. I realised I'd gone quite a distance when I saw signs for Edmonton, oops, so I decided to turn back. I cranked it open and lowered onto the tank, away of the biting night air. The sound, the feeling, and the pounding in my chest, it was amazing but, sadly, those icy particles hitting me in the face nearly froze my poor eyeballs open.

Max was stood in the road, frowning, with his hands on his hips, while Stevie was laughing and whooping it up, as I came back. I cruised the drive and rode it back to the garage, still smiling my arse off.

'Sorry, Beth, but ... Fuck yeah,' I laughed, as I put it on its side-stand and turned it off. 'That was amazing ...'

Max ran in. 'Jesus, woman, when did ya learn to ride a bike like that? ... Fuck ... Sorry, Ma ...'

Stevie came to join him in the doorway, he was chuckling to himself as he got his breath back.

'Sweet Jesus, she went like the fuckin wind ... Sorry, Ma.' He looked over at Chelsea and laughed. 'Ya shoulda seen her go ... Man, ooh-wee ...'

'I've had a bike license since I was at Uni, hon,' I smiled, as we all started to walk back to the house. 'Didn't I tell you?'

He and Stevie seemed amazed by my sudden declaration. I looked from Chels to Beth, and then chuckled. The ladies walked off ahead of us, arms linked, heads together, shoulders moving from their giggles.

'Urh, no, as it happens, ya didn't ... Guess that one just slipped ya mind, huh?' he chuckled back, his arm coming to rest on my shoulders. He hugged me to him and kissed my head.

'Yeah, probably, something like that,' I smiled back. 'Sorry, hon, thought I had ... Oh, well, merry Christmas then, darling,' I replied with a smile, as we kissed under the mistletoe, by the light of the backdoor, before we disappeared back into the warmth, and away from the slow freeze of the night.

I loved all my pressies. Chelsea gave me a new Digital SLR, a beautiful new easel, to replace my old well travelled one, some really expensive perfume, and a Rock Anthems album with an Ea$y track at the beginning. I had to giggle at that one.

Beth gave me a leather wallet containing a stunning collection of new paintbrushes in different sizes, three big canvases, a year's subscription to Writer's Review, which I thought was an excellent idea, and a pair of new purple jammies, that somehow reminded me of the ones of Max's I'd borrowed once. When I'd finished opening all my lovely things, I rose and gave them both a big kiss for all their wonderful gifts.

Stevie made me a happy lady. He liked to spoil his little sis, and certainly did at every opportunity, but then, he spoilt everybody at Christmas, even though he made out he hated the whole affair. First up was a stunning turquoise and diamond necklet. I put it on and brushed it with my hand, as the platinum adjusted to my body temperature. He received a big kiss, for such a pretty addition to my personal security box.

Next was his wild card. The leather jacket I pulled from its wrapping was so soft it felt like velvet. A traditional Patrol Jacket, and a superb acquisition, taking into account the fact that Max had the ideal reason for it, sat in Beth's garage out back. It was okay for Max, he already had all the gear to go with his Harley, bloody poser.

His last pressie, to me, he passed saying, 'From me ... With all my love ...'

Looking at him and, smiling, I whipped off the bow and paper to find a plain white box.

'Mmm, what's this then?' I asked.

'Open it and ya'll find out, won't ya?' Chels giggled, looking over at Stevie.

Breaking the seals at its edges, I pulled open the lid. 'Oh, my, God,' I giggled, 'you didn't?'

'I most certainly did ... Indeed,' Stevie chuckled, looking over at my little face staring down at the parcel on my lap.

Putting both my hands into it, I lifted out the book I'd seen in the antique shop in L.A, the Art Journal that was dated 1853.

'Oh, Stevie, you shouldn't have, it cost a fortune ... How did you even know?' I laughed.

'Chels rang me and told me, when ya walked off to buy your thousand dollar coat ... Max an I shot over and picked it up, just before we met you two at the café ... Good call, huh?' he chuckled.

'Very good call ... And thank you, Stevie,' I said, hugging it to my chest. I turned to Chels. 'And no wonder you laughed, ya sly little sod,' I grinned at her.

'Well, it is Christmas, sugar, and like they say in that song, get it while ya can,' she giggled back at me.

Chelsea had gotten her T-bird in Hot Chilli Red from Stevie. It was awaiting her in the garage at home. She also got her chocolate Labrador, called Cully, who was waiting to be collected once they got back. Max had her gift, from him, delivered the previous week. Her new, white, baby grand piano sat in their ginormous marble hallway. Placed there because the acoustics, apparently, were perfect, so Max said.

He'd also given her the latest novel by the writer A. J. Rowley, Hold My Soul, a romantic yearn with lots of smut, tickets to the DeeJay Kryptic rave in L.A, plus Reflex's first album ReBel, and lastly, and the best, by far, the Gold Disk for 'You Make Me See'. I thought Max was a star for giving her that, it was to be the only one missing from his office wall.

The Santa Sack from Beth contained lots of girly stuff, make-up, perfume, nail varnish, lounge pants, the list went on. She was as happy with her gifts as I was with mine, but she still had the surprise for Stevie yet to come.

Max was the last to offer up his gifts. The main one, he grinned, had to wait till later ,when we were alone. I laughed as I complained about getting the same old gift, year after year. He flicked my ear for moaning. I said he'd given me so much already, there wasn't much left for him to give. I had the diamonds, the house at Silver Spring and the meadow. How could he possibly top that? But he did.

The smallest gift was a stunning white gold and diamond bracelet that had a heart shaped diamond-edged charm hanging at its clasp. The princess cut diamonds were so clear and bright they made my eyes hurt, as they caught in the light from the fire. It was a perfect match to the locket he had given me on our Christmas morning in bed. Max put it onto my wrist for me and kissed me when I thanked him for such a beautiful piece.

The next box was much bigger. This contained the sweetest pair of blue suede cowboy boots I'd ever seen. They fitted perfectly when I pulled them on. I was more than happy to wear them while we sat chatting about our lovely day but, it wasn't over yet, not by a long shot. Max had one last gift to give.

Stevie passed me a large box, wrapped in shiny gold paper, that had a massive red bow on the top. I almost burst when I found a new cowboy hat inside. It fitted like a glove, so I just had to wear it with the boots. I also noticed there was an envelope in the bottom of the box, which I took out and opened. Inside, was a photo of a good looking white horse posing with his head held high. Turning it over, I noticed writing on the back, Silver Prince of New Orleans.

I looked at Max with the question on my face. 'What's this all about, then?'

He looked at me and grinned. I was sat tapping the photo against my fingertips as I asked, the room falling silent as all eyes turned to Max.

'Jesus, woman, ain't ya worked it out yet? Ya got the meadow for ya birthday, yeah?'

He waited a second as he watched my eyebrows start to rise.

'... I just gave ya the boots and hat to go with ...? Woman, ya must be real tired cuz you're real slow tonight ...'

He waited to see if the light changed in my eyes, when it didn't he continued.

'... The God damn horse ... Have ya got it now?' he grinned down at me.

I looked from him to Beth, then at Chelsea's and Stevie's smiling faces. My eyebrows crept higher as it sunk into my stupid, tired brain. I think I woke them all up a bit, as I leapt from the floor and landed on Max, kissing and hugging the breath out of him.

When he started to tickle me, I jumped up and whooped my way around the room to kiss Beth, Stevie, and then Chelsea singing, 'I got a horsey, I got a horsey, ha, ha-ha, ha, ha, I got a horsey ...'

Stevie finally got a chance to explain my new horsey was, in fact, waiting at the ranch as we spoke. He'd been there awhile, already, and was more than welcome to stay there indefinitely, if that's what I wanted.

I was more than happy with that for the moment. I explained, eventually, I'd have him moved to the meadow by the lodge. First, I'd have to build him a big bachelor pad, and change that stupid name. Silver Prince of New Orleans? I don't think so.

Everybody was happy, full and quiet as the night wore on. We were all presented out. Max and I sat, watching the fire, snuggled into the chair together. His arms were wrapped around me as his cheek rested on the top of my head. We drifted in the flames, their movements enough to hypnotise us both.

Beth sat in her old comfy armchair and sipped her last glass of Champagne before going to bed. She thanked us all for making it such a lovely day, and for all the lovely gifts. Her eyes were taking longer to open and close, it was obvious she was nearing her time for sleep.

Stevie and Chels occupied the couch. Stevie had his feet up and ankles crossed while Chels curled her legs under her and rested her head on Stevie's lap. They, too, were lost in the dancing movements of the flickering hypnotist. Taking a big breath in through her nose, she swung her legs from the couch and stood up. She walked to the fire and, turning to Stevie, she cleared her throat.

'... Beth, before ya head up, I still have one more gift for Stevie ... And I hope ya like it, honey, cuz I can't send it back now ...'

She looked over at me as she giggled, then all eyes were on her. Nervously, she twiddled with her fingers as she looked at Stevie and continued.

'... I love ya with all my heart, I always have and I always will ... This year sure has had its up's and down's ...' She glanced in our direction, again, with a sad smile touching her lips. 'There's been loss and suffering in many different ways, but the highlight for me was when ya asked me to marry ya ... Stevie, I fell for ya all over again ...'

He'd moved to the edge of his seat, listening to what she was saying.

'We're so damn good together,' she smiled at him, 'and I'm glad I got ya for myself ... And that brings me to what I have as a gift for ya ...'

Silence hung in the air as I waited for her to produce the pressie of a lifetime.

'... Honey ... We're gonna have a baby ... There, I finally said it, phew!'

Her words fell over us all like a warm hug around our hearts.

Stevie stood, slowly, moving towards her, his eyes slowly filling with tears. He held her at arm's length, looking her up and down.

'My God,' he smiled, with a chuckle, 'that's the most amazing thing I ever did hear ... Darlin, ya don't know how happy ya just made me ... I luv ya Chelsea Denver, don't ya ever forget that.'

He pulled her into his arms as they both dissolved into tears and laughter.

I was stood, wiping mine from my cheek, as Max's arm came around my waist. The smile on his lips didn't mask the sadness in his eyes. I could see what was happening inside him. I watched his reaction to the fabulous news. I understood, exactly, were he was right then, and my heart broke for us.

I turned my face into Max's shoulder and dragged the loud sob back from the brink. Her words had broken my last defence, I was about to burst from all of our sorrow and loss, and there wasn't a bloody thing I could do about it.

Beth was on her feet, hugging and kissing everyone. She was going to be a Nana, and she was over the moon. Her features changed when she turned to Max and me. Her sadness for us touched her eyes too, but the smile was as warm and loving as ever.

The brothers hugged, then laughed about the new bonds about to be forged. If it was a boy, he'd play bass and sing. If it was a girl, she'd play drums and kick-ass, and they'd make sure of that between them. All the toys that were suddenly on the Baby Shower list, ranged from skateboards to bows and arrows, even if it was a girl, they didn't care.

I stood, watching them, as Beth handed me her camera. I slowly smiled at her, then aimed at the boys as they embraced. They always took a good photo when they were laughing or messing about. Chels walked back into shot and, as the three of them stood together, I clicked. The result, a fabulous moment caught forever. Beth was smiling as I turned to her, her tears catching the lights from the tree.

Feeling the sadness rising up from within, I put the camera down and quietly walked away into the kitchen. As my hand made contact with the pine table, my tears took control and I could only surrender to them. I did the in through the nose and out through the mouth thing, it didn't work, so I resigned myself to a few quiet sobs.

I saw the million missed chances rush through my mind, moments that Chels and Stevie would soon be experiencing. Suddenly, that loss was ripping out handfuls of my heart again. One hand went to my chest as the other lifted to hide the noises escaping my mouth. Pouring myself a glass of water, I swallowed slowly, trying to catch my breath.

'Ya okay, honey?' Max's soft voice came from behind me.

'Yeah, sorry ...' I swallowed more water and wiped tears from my face. 'Just got a bit hot with all the excitement ... You okay?' I asked, as I turned to see Max with tears on his cheeks.

He didn't have to say anything. His eyes said it all. I hurried over and he pulled me into his arms. With his face buried in my hair, he softly spoke.

'Honey, can we go up now? I can't do this anymore tonight ... Would ya mind?'

I pulled away and looked up at his pale face. 'Nah, not at all, hon ... Come on, let's go,' I whispered.

Stretching up onto my toes, I kissed him before taking his hand and walking from the kitchen. Three faces turned and smiled as we re-entered. They were still lost in the fabulous news of the day. I couldn't blame them, and I think my face probably radiated that, even though I was sad inside.

After we bade them all a goodnight with kisses and hugs, we made our way to Max's room. Slowly, Max undressed and climbed into bed. I disrobed with the usual two movements and joined him beneath the covers. We talked, awhile, about the day and Chelsea's amazing news. Max fell quiet at that point.

As my head rose and fell with the rhythm of his breathing, I whispered, 'I'm so glad for the guys ... It couldn't have happened to a nicer couple ... Stevie's face was a picture ... They're going to make excellent parents, aren't they? Your Ma looked so happy ... It was nice to see her like that ...'

I smiled, turning to look up at him in the glow of the bed-side light. Suddenly, I knew what he was thinking as we lay there. He'd remembered how his Ma had that same look when we told her our good news.

His arm came away from around my neck, as he slid from the bed. Slowly, he ambled to the window, threw it open, and looked into the cold darkness. I watched him in silence, as he sighed loudly and brushed his curls over the top of his head.

'... It should be us too ... Our kids should be growing up together, getting into all kinds of shit, just like Stevie and me did ...' He fell silent again.

'Oh, sweetie, I know what you're saying.' I climbed from the bed and shrugged on my robe. 'I'm there with you too,' I whispered, as my hands crept around his midriff from behind. I hugged myself to his back and felt his hand cover mine.

'Is it always gonna feel this shit, honey?' he asked, another sigh escaping.

With my cheek against his warmth, I whispered, 'I reckon with time it'll fade, but, for now ... I think we still have a little more hurting to do ...'

My eyes filled with tears from the pain of our loss.

'... As long as we've got each other, we can do this ... I love you and I'm here for you, Max, you know that, you've always known that ...'

My voice almost broke as I held back my tears.

'I know, honey,' he whispered, 'but this really hurts ... And I don't know if I can do it ... I ain't never felt pain like this before,' he almost chuckled. '... I just want it to end ... Now ...'

He slowly turned in my arms, as if clay on a potter's wheel, and stood looking down at me. A single tear ran his cheek as I looked into those misty, blue eyes. I knew the pain in there. It was mirroring my own.

Equine Experience

Stevie and Chels stayed on with Beth, for a few more days, but Max and I decided to split and go home. As much as Max loved them both, I could see he was having a hard time coping with their good news about the baby. Maybe I just dealt with it better, I don't know. There was a place inside me where I put the pain, and I did my best to stop it seeping out. Max didn't have it in him to do that, and I hurt even more seeing him torn up inside.

I lost myself in work and art, trying to just get on with it. As Max would always say, whatever it takes, right? I wondered if he felt he'd lost two kids in one year. At one point he was nearly a Daddy twice, but they were both taken away from him in rather shitty ways. I made him talk to me as much as I could. He'd rant about it for a while, then it would always end in tears, usually his.

We moved all my office gear back into the retreat so I could get back to working for Craig. I also needed to get the meadow ready for the horse, who I hadn't yet met or renamed. The fences needed replacing and he'd need some form of shelter built for him.

I promised myself I'd take a drive over and meet him. When I asked Max if he wanted to go, he declined, saying he still had stuff to do in the studio, but he did say I could take the 4x4, because the roads were still bad in places. I afforded myself a little snigger, you can have loads of fun in one of those on snowy roads.

I'd already rung Stevie to warn him of my impending arrival at some point. He was cool with that and suggested I stay the night. What with the drive, and the weather being a little more than unpredictable, he thought it might prove a little less dicey than trying to do it all in one day. I admitted he was probably right, when I realised it also gave me a chance to have a chat with him about his brother.

Telling Max I'd be gone overnight, I left him in the studio with his head nodding, can over one ear, and strumming his acoustic. He wasn't really listening to what I was saying anyway. All he could offer was a 'Yeah, hon, yeah,' as his eyes darted to my face and away again, whilst doing that _I'm not really listening_ smile of his.

I kissed him on the head, leaving him to his studio and music, blew a kiss from the door, and made my exit. Food was already made up for him in the fridge. It had its usual silly flag note stuck in the top with a cocktail stick saying, 'Bet ya five bucks ya don't even eat this ... Luv ya, me x'

The roads to Stevie and Chelsea's place were bloody treacherous. Having already spoken to Stevie, he advised me to travel at about midday, due the freeze coming early. Once the snow on the freeway had a layer of ice over it, there'd be no escaping some sort of smash, it couldn't be avoided. The ruts from the trucks would be a foot, and some, in places, making it an impossible journey in anything less than a 4x4.

I was welcomed into the house with hugs, kisses, mini marshmallows floating in hot chocolate, and a spliff. Cully, the Labrador pup, ran in circles, then weed with excitement at the prospect of having another playmate. He was so lovely and chubby, and found trying to eat my laces very entertaining.

Chelsea looked radiant, and I envied her the glow she carried. She'd dropped smoking and drinking, a couple of habits that were second nature to her. Instead she'd turned to fruit smoothies and gum, habits Stevie didn't mind so much, under the circumstances.

He was as handsome as ever, in his oily boiler suit. The vintage John Deere was one of his favourite toys. There were hours lost cleaning and talking to it, apparently. Chelsea said he'd lost the whole morning out there, and only came in because he heard a Jeep on the drive.

'I put the new boy in the stables ... He was roaming in the big barn, but I moved him over ... I know how ya feel about that place,' Stevie chirped, wiping oily hands onto one of Chelsea's tea-towels.

She snatched it away, scowling at him, as his eyes softened with the memory of the night we all cared not to remember. I knew what he meant.

'Thanks for that, sweetie, I appreciate it,' I smiled at him. 'When do I get to meet the him, then?' I looked at Chelsea and rubbed my hands together. 'Have you met him yet?' I asked her.

'Yeah, I have actually,' she said with a smile. 'He's a good looking animal, sugar, that's for sure, and he's a big boy ... If ya like them big, he's ya horse,' she giggled, as she walked to the couch and plonked herself down with a tub of Rocky-Road ice-cream and a spoon.

'We can go take a look now, if ya want ... I can introduce ya properly, and you can give him a better name, for starters ... I ain't standing and shouting that stupid title of his, not even for the Queen of Equines, honey,' Stevie chuckled.

He'd stabled all his horses once the serious snow started. I say serious because there's snow which can get up to about ten/twelve inches, and then there's serious snow, which can reach up to sixteen foot, plus, in places. At Stevie's it was deep enough for him to want to keep all the horses in for a bit. He had a huge indoor exercise area, that they all had turns in, but it's still not the same as roaming free, is it?

I always loved walking into the stable block. The stalls ran the entire length of the huge wooden structure. It always felt warm and always had the lovely, sweet smell of hay and horseshit. You can't beat it.

He wandered in ahead of me as, instantly, half a dozen heads appeared in a line. All the faces turned our way in hope of a treat. Stevie caved, grabbing a handful of pony nuts, then walked down the line dishing them out.

'Where is he then?' I asked, as I fed my old favourite a mint or two.

Her tongue flicked out and touched her nose, a funny thing to watch.

'He's second from the end, and ain't heard us yet,' he said. 'Probably asleep or having a dump.'

He patted a long forehead, and stroked a nudging nose, as a hairy lip nibbled at his shoulder.

I turned and walked towards where he'd nodded, Stevie following along behind.

'Here he is!' Stevie stopped and looked into the stall.

As I turned, a big white face loomed down at me, with huge puppy dog eyes. He walked to the door and stuck his nose straight in my ear and breathed out. I felt water hit my neck.

'Urh ... Nice to meet you, too,' I chuckled.

Stevie grinned, saying, 'Funny, he did exactly the same thing to Chelsea, only she weren't as polite about it as that ...'

'He's absolutely gorgeous, Stevie ... Is he good natured?'

I was stood holding his head over my shoulder. His soft muzzle was inching its way over my hair as I spoke.

'I been in and run my hands over him a few times, he seems pretty steady ... When he was in the barn, he followed me around like a big dog ... I think ya got a good one there, sis.'

Stevie ran a hand down the white forehead and, as if to agree with him, the horse nodded a yes as he banged his hoof on the door.

I opened it and he moved back into his stall a little. Standing next to him I finally saw just how big he really was, and he was huge. His gentle giant nose softly brushed over my head as it sniffed at my ear again.

'So, come on, Stevie, what we gonna call him then, any ideas?'

He was leaning on the door watching me. 'Jesus, woman, it's your God damn horse, you think of something ... I ain't no good at naming animals, all mine are called Horse,' he laughed.

'Lot a bloody use you are, then,' I giggled, 'I was hoping you'd have something, anything ...'

I was standing with my head against the horse's warm side, which he seemed quite happy for me to do. I could hear his stomach making funny noises, it made me smile.

'What about George? George is a good name.'

I looked at Stevie and grinned.

'Ya can't go calling a fine beast, like that, George, for fuck sake ... Ya can do better than that, can't ya?' he laughed, shaking his head.

'Okay ... No proper names then ... What about Snowy or Tiny?' I was having a hard time with the renaming thing.

'Ya know what I think, boy,' Stevie said to the gentle giant. 'I think she shouldn't go rushing into it ... She'll only go calling ya something she's gonna regret in a week's time ... She should just leave it, ya know ... It'll come by itself ... Like it always does ... Ya reckon that's a better idea, do ya?' he nodded at the horse and chuckled.

The horse nodded back.

Looking at Stevie, I laughed, 'Okay, you win ... You're right ... Again ...'

The guys and I spent the evening talking shit and eating copious amounts of stew and dumplings. Stevie and I put away the best part of a bottle of Jack, as Chelsea consumed her fruity concoctions. I rang Max to make sure he was okay. There was no answer on the house phone, but he replied when I rang the studio office.

'Hey, baby,' his voice sounded good, 'What d'ya think then? ... Ya happy with him?'

'Oh, sweetie, he's gorgeous ... I'm gonna have my first ride tomorrow ... I can't wait ... You okay ... Been busy?'

I missed him so much.

'Yeah, but I finally finished those tracks I was working on ... Oh, and Mickey Markwell rang to see if Stevie and I would be interested in doing a tune for a movie. That sounds pretty cool ... I gotta see Stevie, we might have to go to L.A. for a few days for that ... He also mentioned the photo shoot with Shay, that's gonna be in the next few weeks ... Urm, that's about it ... How was the drive over, I was thinking about ya?' He sounded happy with his day.

'Do you miss me then?' I asked, as my need to be with him grew.

'I'm missing ya something crazy ... When ya coming home, baby?' he replied, his voice deep and as sexy as hell.

'Arh, honey, I miss you too ... And the drive over was pretty shit, but I got here in the end ... A couple of the roads were quite bad, a few sections of the highway were treacherous, and the south bound intersection was closed coming into the city, I noticed, but they were out trying to clear it at least ... I'm gonna try and get back tomorrow, if I can ... That's if the weather doesn't turn in the meantime ... Have you had any more snow up there?' I asked.

'Nah, not as yet,' he replied. 'I hope ya can make it back ... The beds way too big without ya, ya know,' he chuckled. 'I hate sleeping alone ... Plus, my shower just ain't the same without ya there, washing my back for me, if ya know what I mean ...'

'Huh, thanks, sweetie, it's nice to know I'm missed,' I laughed. 'I'll be home, soon, promise ... And don't get too lonely without me, aye?'

'Okay, baby, I'll try not to ... Now, be safe riding tomorrow, and I'll see ya at some point, I hope ... Give my love to Chels ... And slap that stupid brother of mine for me, will ya? ... And, please, take care driving home, honey ...'

'Yeah, I will, sweetie, I promise, on both counts,' I smiled. 'I miss you and, hopefully, I'll see you tomorrow ...'

'Yeah, tomorrow,' he sighed. 'I love ya and miss ya, honey ... Night ... And sweet dreams ...'

'I love you too ... Night, baby ...'

I blew a few kisses down the line, which were returned, and then he was gone.

The next morning I woke while everyone else slept. I'd had a stupid dream about being chased by a bunch of stupid zombies, right down the main strip of Las Vegas. That, alone, shouldn't have been such a big deal, I know, but sadly one of them had been my deceased Mother. It left me feeling slightly uneasy, more so than usual, and I knew I'd not sleep again after that, not without Max there.

I showered and dressed before going for some breakfast. I wasn't alone. Cully joined me as soon as he heard movements in the kitchen. I let him have my cereal milk, which he seemed to enjoy. Once he'd had his treat, he ambled back to bed and left me to my dark morning.

I pulled on my walking boots and grabbed my patrol jacket from the chair back. As quietly as I could, I unlocked the backdoor and made my way down to the stable block. The blanket of snow laid a path to the building cocooned in a heavy mist. The slightest sound carried across the numbed landscape to be lost within the cold.

It was so peaceful and the air was so fresh. What a glorious day it was, what with the feeling of Christmas still hanging from the trees. With my hands rammed into my pockets, and my breath a visible vapour, I hoped the sun wouldn't come out and spoil it.

It was dark, but warm, as I entered. Heads pop out of stalls when I switched the lights on. I walked to the end and there he stood. He ambled over and sniffed my head before nodding at me.

'Yep, we're going to have a go at this riding lark today, but, seeing as I don't know where your saddle is, we're gonna try this bareback, okay?'

I spoke as I hooked a lead onto his head harness.

'Now, be a nice horsey and we'll go to the big covered horsey sandpit ... But, no freaking out when you get a whiff of fresh air, please, because I won't be trying to hold you back, and you won't get far, unless you fancy jumping a fence of course ... And, let's face it, that's way too energetic for a day like today...'

I chatted to him as I led him from his stall, out into the snowy yard, and across to the indoor exercise area. Stopping outside the barn I remembered the hideous event that had occurred within.

The horse's head came down and his soft lips touched my face, as if he was giving me a little peck on the cheek as a form of reassurance. Placing his head to my back, he nudged me onwards, towards the large doors further along. I realised, then, there wasn't anything to be afraid of, I was just being silly really.

Inside was warmer than the cold air and iced world outside. I thought maybe he'd try to get away, but he just stood there like a big dog on a leash, as patient as anything. I walked to a mounting block that sat against the wall and stepped up onto it. Pulling him up alongside, and throwing the lead over his shoulders, I could just about jump, belly down, onto his back, and slide my leg over. Jesus, it was a long way down.

'Fuck, you are a big boy, aren't ya?' I said, patting his broad neck and touching his sides with my heels.

First, we walked a few circles as I gained my balance. I touched his sides again, and he stepped into a trot. I was still on, so all was good. I hadn't done it for a while, bareback, but I was slowly getting the feel for his movements. I would have loved to opened the doors and cantered off into the meadows beyond, but knew that would have to keep for another day.

Out of the corner of my eye I saw the side door slide open and Stevie step into view. His face was alight with a smile as he stood watching us move in our figure of eight, pacing our way round. I felt great as I rode over and pulled to a halt before him.

'What a great way to start the day .. I'm liking this,' I smiled down at him.

'Looks like ya got ya seat there ... I don't think ya'll be having any problems with him ... The pair of ya are looking pretty damn good, I must say.'

He was stood patting the horse's neck as he looked up and smiled.

'I feel pretty bloody good, actually ... He's gorgeous, isn't he? Reckon I've found another man to think about ... Hope Max doesn't get too jealous,' I giggled.

'Fuck Max, I thought I was ya main man,' he laughed, as the horse nodded and snorted.

'You are,' I giggled, 'but I have another one now ... How will I fit you all in?' I asked, laughing.

'Arh, that's easy, she leaves Max ... Simple ... And that'll make more time for us, won't it?' he answered to the horse.

'Oh, I'm sure Max will love being dumped for his brother and a bloody horse ... I can see how he'd take that ... You gonna be the one to tell him, then?' I replied, smiling.

'Hell, no, I'm gonna let him, here,' he nodded at the horse, 'tell him, and let him get the ass kicking,' he laughed back at me.

'You bloody coward,' I chuckled.

'Damn right,' he replied with a laugh.

'You'll feel differently when you get to meet your rug rat, sweetie ... There'll be no room for me then ... You'll drop me like a hot rock when you have that in your life ...'

Sadness suddenly touched my grey eyes, Stevie noticed the change.

'Honey,' he smiled, 'ya'll always be important to me, and Chels, as much as Max, if not more ... He's shit at hugs, I hate his hugs, ya beat him every time, hands down, no messing.'

He stepped to the side of the horse and placed a hand on my leg.

'Max ain't dealing with the kid thing very well, is he?' His eyes dropped to the floor.

'No, I'm afraid he's not, I think you might be right, there ... Don't worry, sweetie,' I half grinned, patting his hand, 'we'll get over it, you know us ... We're fighters, in so many ways,' I chuckled, smiling down at him.

'Yeah, that I do know,' he grinned back. 'I also kinda knew he'd be the one to have the issues, and I don't like to see him hurting, Tee, but, I'm so God damn happy, I don't have any time for his bullshit ... He'll either deal with it, or he won't ... I do feel for him, honest, I do, and you, you both matter to me, you always have, you always will ... I don't know what to do, Tee, what do I say to him?'

As he spoke, he looked away from me, his gaze not able to meet mine.

'Tell him you love him ... It's hit him far harder than I ever thought it would, Stevie, so, please, don't beat him up over it ... He's in as much turmoil as I am, if not more ... The loss nearly killed us, but we're still here, and I'd give anything to go back, believe me, but I know I can't ...'

My eyes went misty with tears.

'... He's also finding it hard to be around you guys because of it ...'

One escaped, ran down my cheek, dropped from my chin and landed on my jeaned leg.

'... I'm sorry, Stevie, it's going to be hard for us for a while ... Please, give us, give him, some time, that's all I ask ...'

His eyes turned back to me, then he watched as I sighed out the last of my sadness. His hand rubbed my leg while his face reflected the feelings in my heart. I knew I would be okay, but it didn't stop me worrying for Max. I hadn't seen him this broken inside before, and I hurt so badly for him, more than he'd ever know.

I left the guys at midday, after the usual hugs and kisses. I told Chels to take it easy and let Stevie run round after her for a change. She laughed as Stevie pulled a face and slapped my butt.

'Don't ya go giving her any ideas, woman, she'll have me at her beck and call soon enough,' he smiled as we walked to the Jeep.

'You look after her, and yourself, okay! ... My little pal's in there,' I said, pointing at her belly as she stood at the door to wave. 'And any trouble outta you, Mister, and I'll be back over here to kick your arse ... Got it?' I giggled, climbing behind the steering wheel.

'Yeah, okay, Muva,' he sarcastically grinned, trying to sound as Cockney as Joey, but reminding me of a South African instead.

'Good lad ... Now scoot, you cheeky little sod, before you freeze to the yard ... I'll see ya both soon ... And be good ... Oops, too late,' I laughed, as I drove from the space before their house, my hand waving out the window as usual.

A New Year, A Brighter Tomorrow

I played the usual cranked-up music on my journey home. I'd found a compilation CD, under a pile of crap in my office, and had added it to the stack in the player. One of the songs that came on had me thinking. I remember listening to the lyrics as they told me to take the chance if you want to reach the dream. Fighting to get there would always be the hardest part, but if you stood your ground you'd make it eventually. How like Max and I that song was? Those words had me so taken I replayed it about five times to learn them. It could have been written for us, strange that.

The roads home were pretty shitty, again, but the main highways had been cleared at last. The climb onto the mountain road was pretty amazing. Trees seemed to be trapped in glass undergoing a silent transformation into stunning works of natural art. Snow had been moved to the side of the track and, in some parts, stood nearly ten, maybe twelve, feet high.

Still the music pounded out its energy as I cranked up the best tracks. I sang myself all the way home, with my hands tapping on the steering wheel and my head nodding to the beat.

Stopping by the steps, I climbed out as Max came running along the balcony and down to meet me. Almost throwing myself into his arms, he caught me and crushed me to him, lifting me from the floor, turning us slowly in the piled snow. Wow, I must say, that really was the nicest welcome home I've ever had. He said it before I did.

'Holy cow, honey, I missed ya so much,' he whispered after our first hungry kiss. 'Don't ever leave me again, please ... That was the loneliest, and longest, twenty-four hours of my manic life ...'

I gazed up at that gorgeous, missed, smile of his, as he chuckled and looked off into the middle distance behind me.

'... Ha, and while I think of it, ya owe me five bucks ...

His eyes suddenly dropped back on mine.

'... I totalled the tuna bake ya left me for breakfast, half an hour ago ...'

Tutting, I looked up at his lovely features.

'I'll never leave you again, I promise, you big silly ... And as for your five bucks, I'll work it off somehow ... How does that sound?' I smirked up at him as my left eyebrow rose slightly.

'Wow, housework , butt naked comes to mind,' he smirked in reply. 'Sounds good to me, honey, I like ya style,' he chuckled, hugging the breath right out of me.

We walked up the steps and into the lodge with me wedged under his arm, talking. I explained about the journey there and back, the trees, the snow and the fabulous sky. He listened to every word as he filled the kettle, and I dumped my overnight bag in the den. I finished with details about my ride that morning, and thanked him again for such a gorgeous hunk of horse. The smile on his face was so beautiful, and I'd missed him so much.

Watching him, as he talked his way around the kitchen, I could have sat there all day. I couldn't imagine anything better. From the way he held his head, to the way he played with my fingers, as he chatted about his music. That's what I call Big Sigh Love, because that's what I did when I looked at him, a big sigh. He had me, has me, forever and always, and I'd already given in to that and, guess what, I didn't mind it, not one, single, little bit.

The afternoon slipped by with Max and I cuddled up with the telly and some Jack. He was in the mood to snuggle, so that's what we did. He'd grabbed the bedspreads, and made up the daybed, while I'd thrown together a chicken stir-fry. We'd sat under the covers, and scoffed out of the same big dish, watching a documentary about heritage railways in the States. If it's anything to do with stream trains, I have to watch it, Max being much the same. Those big old locomotives have always fascinated me, and we both admired the age of steam.

I lay, naked, hugging him, my head resting on his full, bare belly, with him twiddling my hair as it lay across his chest. Every so often he would hum a purr to himself, as he raked his fingers through it. I knew by his sound, and the activity under the cover before me, what was going through his dirty little mind. I stole myself a devilish giggle, as I lifted the bedspread and looked at the monster in the dark. It was alive, and looking straight at me.

There was no need to see his face, I knew the expression he was wearing. I saw him in my mind, his eyes closed, his arms crossed behind his head, and a smutty expression suspended across his innocent features.

'Up here,' he patted my patch, 'closer, so I can hold ya ... Ya too far away, I need ya just here ...'

Shifting, as requested, to my required position, his lips came into contact with mine. I caved, I couldn't help it, he just did it for me. I felt like I was melting. That's not a bad way of describing it, actually, melting.

Anyway, I melted onto the bed next to him, as he moved to lay over me, our lips still touching. The aroma of our warmly sexed-up bodies heightened the sensations, as we fell in love with each other, all over again. He had a way of drawing me in and dissolving away any fears or worries. While we were in those moments, there was nothing beyond or around us. We were all there was, just us and our loving.

Inching between my thighs, he kissed along my jaw and onto my neck. Everything about him turned me on, but his lips to my skin could render me defenceless in zero seconds. As my hands stroked the soft flesh, down his back and hips, I drifted in the closeness of our bodies. His hand sliding down my side, then between us, was enough to make my eyes slowly close, the next sensation taking the breath away.

While I swayed in my warm flutter, he gently moved inside, coming to rest against me, his arms holding me to him, his lips to mine. Amazing but, somehow, all the pain and all the sorrow of the past few months, it all floated away, leaving a shadow of tears over flushed cheeks.

All those could have beens and if onlys, they all ganged together and forced their way to the top of my emotions. Then, in contrast, on the far side, was an exquisite pain caused by the deepest love for someone. The tear that trickled from my eye was a mere droplet of feeling. I was lost in the darkness that our love was pooled within. The velvet touch against my skin, and in my blood, was holding me there. I couldn't move, even if I wanted to.

Max's orgasm was a slow and quiet affair. His lips and eyes were on mine, his skin on mine, his hand in mine. The most amazing warm rush filled my body, as my vision filled with his lovely face. I smiled as I joined him in his ending, the sensation sparking tiggles from my tummy outwards. We stayed sandwiched together, as the afterglow brought us back to earth. There were no words spoken, just sighs, kisses, and the occasional touch.

New Year's Eve was very messy, and not in a good way, to say the least, and an evening that I care not to experience, ever again. We'd spent the previous few days monging out at home. Max spent his time in the studio, fiddling with all his new equipment, or in the garage, playing with his new Triumph. Me, on the other hand, I tied up all the loose ends on our household accounts, returned all the gifts I'd bought, but never gave, and made sure the groceries were ordered.

The rest of the time, I was putting a dent in the Christmas booze we stock piled, smoking the ounce of weed that Joey had given us, and being a lazy cow, sitting around, listening to music, absolutely smashed out of my face, eating chocolate.

I even made Max trudge down and check the horses, and make sure my office water supply hadn't frozen and burst a pipe. The promise of more sweet lovin before an open fire was all it took. Shame I was passed-out by the time it came to doing the do and, boy, did that piss him off. Eek!

We'd tried to decide what to do for New Year. I wanted to go to Silver Spring and join in with the McCall's party, but Max didn't want to do that. I suggested going to his Ma's, but Stevie and Chels were going over, and he didn't want to see them. I even tried mentioning going over to Blighty for it. We could have stayed with Gee, but he didn't want to do that, either. Then I suggested having a bit of a shindig at the lodge, but he'd turned his nose up at that too.

I'd run out of ideas in the end and was starting to get annoyed with his moodiness. So, our only option, in the end, was to stay at the lodge and have a rather quiet one in, together. It wasn't what I'd had in mind. I needed to party, and I needed to see that shit year out by slamming the door on its arse.

'Arh, come on, honey, we should go and do something,' I encouraged him. 'It's our first New Year married ... Let's celebrate that, too, with a wild night out.'

I talked as I folded napkins and put them in the dresser drawer in the kitchen. He was sat at the breakfast counter, fiddling with my lighter as he smoked a spliff. I wasn't sure if he was even listening at one point.

'Honey, come on ... A night out ... To celebrate ...'

I finished my sentence and leant across in front of him, waiting for a sign. In the end, I stretched a hand over and laid it on his, stopping his actions. This got his attention.

'I told ya already ... I don't fucking wanna go out ... Didn't ya hear me the first time?'

And, with that, he looked at me in a scolding way, stood up, and walked off towards the studio stairs door.

'Well, fuck you, fuck you very much,' I bitched, under my breath, as I started to smoke the spliff he'd just abandoned in the ashtray.

He stopped, turned, and calmly walked back towards me.

I looked over at his angry face and felt his coldness touch my arms. The light in his eyes dimmed as he leant over the stool, placed his hands on the edge of the counter, and looked at me from under lowered brows.

'NO,' he spat. 'FUCK YOU, TEE ...' his finger came up, sharply, to point at me, 'I'm sick of ya always giving me shit ... When ya gonna let up, huh?'

He straightened up as his hands came to rest on his hips.

'If I say to ya, I don't wanna go out, then it means, I don't fucking wanna go out, cuz if we do, ya always have to get shitfaced, and frankly, Tee, I'm sick to death of it ... Why can't we just have a quiet one, here, like I wanted? ... Besides, I ain't gonna waste my time, going out, only to fend off the pissed fuckers grabbing at ya ass ...' He glared at me. 'Ya must think I'm fucking slow ...'

He turned, again, and walked off, speaking over his shoulder.

'And why the fuck am I explaining myself to you? Stay, go, I couldn't give a shit ... I got better things to do with my evening, anyway, thanks all the same ...'

The studio door was slammed behind him as he disappeared down the stairs.

So, that changed everything. Suddenly, I found I had choices. I could stay, with him as grumpy as fuck, or, I could go, as in leave, thereby finding a party of my own. I chose the latter as it happens. Oh dear, what a gigantically bad mistake that was.

While he sat in the studio, strumming, I was in the bedroom, changing. I dressed in my usual jeans and hoodie, and my cowboy boots were a must, along with my hat. When I walked back out into the den, he was still below.

I left him a note saying, 'You wanted it, you got it, enjoy and Happy New Year, honey x'

I leant it against a Jack bottle on the counter, so he'd see it, took the 4x4 keys, and walked into the darkness of New Years Eve.

I drove the mountain road down to Calgary in a white-out that would impress the British. If you think we get it bad in Blighty, you haven't seen anything till you experience the driving conditions over there. My God, it certainly is one way to find out if you can really drive. Breaking down isn't an option, so I don't go out if I think the motor is playing up in any way. It's not worth taking the risk in the temperatures it plummets to at night, especially out in the wilds, and it's horrid, especially for a woman travelling alone.

It was getting on for 10 p.m. by the time I reached the outskirts of the city. I had a vague idea of how to get to where I wanted to be. I drove in circles till I recognised the street and found the hotel. The Regency stood as large as life as I pulled into the drive and let the valet take the car.

Walking into the reception, I took in the familiar layout of the festively decorated space. The twenty feet white Christmas tree glowed with a pale purple haze against its trunk, and was randomly hung with delicate snow-globe baubles. It looked wonderful, taking up the area in the curve of the impressive staircase and, I stood, lost in the lights for a few moments. I can't remember where I was in my head, sorry. The Receptionists voice brought me back to my spot at the desk.

'Misses Manley, how nice to see you again ... How are you?'

The pretty young lady had remembered me but, then, she wouldn't be forgetting me in a hurry, would she? The last time I was there, which was only eight weeks earlier, I was whisked away, by ambulance, off the stage found in the ballroom located just to my right.

'I'm doing good, thank you ... Did you have a good Christmas?' I asked, trying to keep it light.

'Why, yes, I did, and thank you for asking ... Did you?' she beamed.

'Urh, it was certainly different that's for sure but, yes, good, thank you,' I half heartedly smiled.

'Well, I'm glad to hear that,' she replied, a softness resting in her eyes. 'How can I help you this evening?'

'Do you have a nice room for the night, please?' I smiled, but it had no real feeling behind it.

'Let me just check and see what's available.' She typed quickly on a keyboard and looked back at me. 'Would you prefer a room or a suite?'

'Which suite is it?' I asked.

'That will be The Boston Suite.' Her face softened as she answered.

'I'll take a room, then, please ... I'm not fussed, as long as it's quiet,' I smiled back at her.

'I'm sure I can arrange that for you, Misses Manley ... And will your husband be joining you?' she asked, as she filled in the paperwork.

'No, I don't think so, not tonight, anyway, and before you ask, I don't have any luggage to take up, thanks ... I'm travelling light this evening,' I feebly grinned.

'Okay, then ... I've given you room 206, East Wing, it's the quiet side, on the second floor, end of the left corridor ... And I hope you find it comfortable enough,' she smiled, as I signed in and handed her my credit card.

I left her with my thanks and walked to the bar. The last time I was in there, I was pregnant. Crazy, but it all seemed like an age ago. It mimicked a long forgotten dream, one that takes years to fade. I felt a strange calmness though, so it was kind of okay. I could deal with it, at that moment, anyway.

Some of you are probably thinking, what on earth made the silly cow go there? Well, as it happens, I sort of just ended up there. I had no idea why I felt the need to go that way, until I saw The Regency Hotel sign, and then it kind of made sense, in a crazy way. That was the last place, wasn't it? Stood on that stage, it was the last time I felt my baby. I got it then, with the end of the year came the resting of the soul. Time to let go of the child that never was.

The bar was decked out quite nicely. Swags of holly and ivy adorned the walls and candles burnt in red glass storm lamps on the tables. The ambience was enhanced with a web of white fairy lights across the ceiling. The dark green carpet and drapes made it feel cosy and warm. I walked over to the bar and ordered a long Jack and cola, then moved to a spot in the darker side of the room.

I would like to have said the place was heaving, but it was dead. A few piss-heads sat on random tables, some of them singing along with the piped Christmas music. A young couple sat in a booth to one side, playing with each other's fingers while they talked.

A family group took up a long oak table and benches. There were about fifteen of them. Their age group ranged from a babe-in-arms to a rather elderly gent in a wheelchair. They were taking photos of him holding the bawling brat. He threw me a look that said Help me, so I raised my glass to him and wished him a very happy New Year. He smiled as he was drawn back into the fold.

I'd been sat there, a while, three empty glasses before me, when I heard the sounds of revellers heading towards my retreat. I was more than happy with the quiet turn my evening had taken, seems that was about to change, unfortunately.

The group contained a dozen people, one of which happened to be someone I would recognise in a million faces, it was Shay bloody Blane. I couldn't believe my stupid luck, and of all the sodding places. I shook my head, side to side, in my gloomy seat, glad to be just another figure in the corner.

Catching the waitress as she passed, I ordered a couple more drinks, content to sit and watch the entertainment. The group slammed brightly coloured shots, chugged Champagne, and then followed that with something else. They were having a grand ole night getting messed up. I watched Shay for a while, with a wry smile on my face. I remember us going out and partying like that. It all seemed a lifetime ago, sat there in my secluded location, on the outside looking in.

Every so often, a tall blonde would pass by him and they'd share a moment of intimacy, the action rather romantic, when seen through my Jack Daniel's haze. Their eyes would lock and you could see, from their subtle touches, they were more than just good friends, plus the random kisses were a bit of a giveaway.

I smiled at the innocence of it all, and wished Max and I still had a little of that. We'd seen so much shit in the last year I was glad to see the backside of it. I wanted to celebrate the end of the bugger and couldn't understand why Max didn't feel the same way. It made me feel alone. I wanted us to be like we used to be when things were new and exciting.

We used to be so spontaneous, but we'd become so predictable. There was no excitement left in us. Seems I was also alone in wanting to have a little fun. I was sick of being sad all the pissing time, that I did know. I needed to let my hair down and start living again. I was also starting to wish I'd gone to Silver Spring instead.

The group shouting, 'Five minutes to go,' made me look at my watch.

Jesus, where had the time gone? I immediately thought of Max at home and I wondered what he was doing with his evening. I laughed to myself as I pondered the fact that he probably hadn't realised I'd gone yet. He'd more than likely be banging away in the studio till dawn. It's where he wanted to be, so, who was I to stop him.

I decided to finished my last drink, at midnight, then retire to my nicely quiet room. It was pretty explosive when the shout came. The whole room seemed to come alive with noise. The family group, with Grandpa, erupted into shouts and whoops as they all stood to hug and kiss each other.

The couple across from me, by then sat side by side, kissing and holding hands, were smiling the smiles of newlyweds. How long had Max and I been married, twenty fucking years? It felt like it at times. Jesus, he wore me out.

'Happy New Year to ya, honey ... Wherever you are,' I quietly said to myself, toasting the empty space before me. I then finished my drink in one.

I'd had enough and was ready to go to bed. It was as I tried to leave, he saw me. They were all shouting, and hugging each other, as he did a double take in my direction. I was nearly at the door, when he left the group and hurried after me.

'Tee? ... Is that you?'

I'd nearly made it, but not quite. Upon hearing his voice something stopped me walking out that door.

'Hello, Shay,' I smiled, turning slowly, 'Happy New Year,' I continued, as our eyes met.

'What the fuck are you doing here? ... And tonight? What's going on? You okay?'
He looked concerned as he stepped forward and placed his hand on my cheek.

'Yeah, I'm good, honest, everything's fine ... How are you?' I asked, feebly, as I placed my hand over his to remove it from my face.

'I'm wonderful, it's everybody else, but I'm still not convinced about you ... I must say, you ain't looking too happy there, sweetheart ...'

He paused, his eyes flicking from side to side, quickly.

'... Urm, where's Max?' he asked, looking around the room, a frown on his face.

'Arh, well, urh, he's not here ... I'm here on my own,' I replied, my gaze sliding down to check out my shoes. I was going to have to explain it, wasn't I?

'What? Why? No, don't answer that ... I don't need to know, as long as you're okay, that's all that matters,' he smiled.

I sighed, internally, for not having to go over the whole story, inch by inch. I think he saw I wasn't in the mood for gossip, or explaining the unexplainable, and I'm glad he worked that out for himself.

'Yeah, honest, I'm fine ... I've had a few drinks, now I'm off to bed ... I've seen The Year from Hell out, and I've welcomed in the new ... That's good enough for me,' I half grinned.

'I'll believe ya,' he replied, 'but I insist we have a drink, juss one, then I'll let ya go ... Juss one teeny, tiny drinkies ... It'll be like auld times ... Juss me an you ...'

His slurring was kinda funny, and he was being rather sweet, really.

'Urh, thank but no thanks ... I've had my fill for one night ... That's it, I'm done, but thanks for the offer, it was a nice gesture ...'

Shane smiled, seeing my need to leave, I was tired, and it showed.

'Tee, tell me to piss off if I'm being nosy, but I know you, and this isn't you ... Something's happened, what is it?'

I could see by the look on his face and the sound of his voice he was being sincere for a change, no boyish silliness then. He even put his drink down and shied me away from the group, merely so he could hear my reply.

'Okay, we've had a few hitches ... But it's all over now, clean slate, in the past ... Max and I, we can build something new now, maybe move on even, I don't know ... There has to be more than this ... The misery, there's been too much ...'

Instantly, my tale had started to leak from my pores, the tide a river I couldn't stop. Okay, so I started to open up a little, in hindsight, I wish I hadn't. Shane was a good listener, that always helps, nothing more than that, he just listened, but the different was, he actually heard me.

And for a while there we never did see that familiar face, briefly looking through the glass door, stood, taking in me talking to Shane. Dan didn't stay, or join in. He went back up to his suite, poured himself a large drink, then he made a phone call, and that call was made to one very special person.

Fate if Faithless

It was as I saying goodnight to everyone, I felt a hand grab my arm from behind, only to push me to one side. Shay's face changed as a fist whizzed passed me and smashed into his mouth. He went down in an instant. Max suddenly sidestepped me, grabbed hold of Shay by the front of his lapels, and landed him one, straight in the gut. I went to move forward, but my path was blocked by Stevie, who had the look of the devil in his eyes.

'Don't you fucking move,' he spat at me.

The horror of the moment fired a rage in me as I looked at him.

'... GET THE OUTTA MY WAY, STEVIE ...' I screamed, as another punch landed in Shay's face. '... STOP HIM, HE'LL FUCKING KILL HIM ...'

I tried to get around Stevie, but he grabbed me as I went for Max from behind. His arms, at my waist, stopped me catching the fist, as it went in for another punch. When Max's arm came backwards, I lunged forwards, only to receive the full impact of his elbow.

I felt it come into contact with my cheekbone, the white-light impact blinding me for a second. Stevie tried to turn me away, his speed not enough to stop what had been started. I cried out from the pain as it threw me backwards into him, the blow enough to knock me off balance. Luckily, he caught me before I hit the deck.

I was so pissed-off, and at any time that's not a good thing. As Stevie released his grip to check my face, and as Max turned to see the damage, I swung my right hand round, with all my girly strength, slapping Max clean across the side of his face.

He moved in slow motion, away from me, giving me enough ground to escape Stevie's grip, and get between him and Shay, whose face was a bloody mess. I also noticed the group of friends, and the leggy blonde, had slowly exited the room. The barman stood with the phone in his hand, just in case he needed to ring for reinforcements.

I spoke into the space that sat before me. I couldn't look up at Max's face, my pain evident.

'... Just stop, please ... Just stop ... Please, Max,' I pleaded, my tears sparkling in my eyes.

My arms were extended out in front of me, palms facing the man I loved. Each of my feet rested either side of Shay's legs where he lay on the floor, surveying the damage to his face and eye. He was going to have a shiner and his teeth would rattle for a while, but the damage wasn't major, luckily enough.

Max was watching me, seething with rage, a hand to his face where I'd caught him. Stevie was behind, holding him by his other arm, fearing he might start swinging again. Standing, my eyes finally lifting to Max, I tried to have my say.

'Please, Max, this isn't how it looks, you have to believe me ... Don't do this, not here ...'

I tried to use a calm voice, but I wasn't sure if I sounded very calm. My cheek and hand were throbbing like bitches, and Max's look suggested he was about to rip them off for me anyway.

'I swear, to God Almighty, ya have fucked me over, with that piece of shit, FOR THE LAST TIME,' he yelled at me. 'Ya get ya fucking shit outta my house ... We're so fucking done ... I want ya outta my life ... NOW,' he bellowed into my face.

He didn't take his eyes from mine, his instant chill felt in the space between us. He took his wedding ring off and dropped it onto the floor in front of me. Showing no emotion for my sorrow, as the act pushed a tear filled grasp from me, he turned and slowly sauntered away rubbing his knuckles. He was done.

Stevie stood and wiped a hand down his mouth. Shaking his head from side to side, he looked from my near devastated face down to Shay. Without another word, he turned and followed Max through the room.

Shay was still on the floor, his agony obvious from the darkening patches across his mouth and jaw. I walked to the door, with tears still in my eyes, to see Max heading for the foyer, where he and Stevie met Dan. They stood, talking, then turned to look over. Max was still rubbing the knuckles on his right hand, his face still as angry as it had been.

All I could do was wipe the wet from my cheeks. I didn't even know what had just happened. I was feeling very strange inside, and couldn't make sense of the last few minutes of my life. I turned and walked back to where Shay had moved to a table. I didn't say anything.

I smiled as he looked up and said, 'I'm so fuckin sorry, Tee ...'

'Shit happens, aye!' I quietly replied.

I bent to retrieve the ring from the floor, then tossed in my hand a few times.

'Happy New Year, sweetie ... I'll see you around, maybe ...'

I picked up my handbag, scooped some half melted ice from a glass, then walked to the door with it wrapped in a napkin, resting against my burning cheek.

The shocked barman was still stood, with phone in hand. He watched me, as I left, and then put it down on the counter with a loud sigh.

Of course, I had to pass them, in the foyer, to collect my key. The young lady looked at me, with sad eyes, and I was so glad all she said was, 'Goodnight, Misses Manley ... And a Happy New Year to you,' as she handed it to me.

'Thank you,' I replied, quietly. 'And to you, too ... Night ...'

I walked to the lifts, my ice filled hand still clenched against my throbbing face. I didn't care about anything at that moment. I just wanted to get behind a closed door so I could let out yet another load of pain and sadness. My door clicking shut, behind me, opened the floodgate.

Throwing all I'd carried from the bar at the nearest wall, and letting out a huge scream of anger and frustration, I sank onto my haunches with my back to the door and cried into my palms. It was a quiet kind of weeping, one that drags up old hurt from the darkest places where you hide it for months, maybe even years.

It took all my breath out of me. I had to pull myself onto my own feet to amble to the bar. I was convinced by then, the only way to numb the pain was to get as hammered as possible. I was willing to give it a go, anything to kill it, once and for all.

I took a clean hand towel and emptied all the ice I could find into it. I wandered back to get my bottle of Jack and sat swigging from it, the ice-cold fabric to my face. It was really hurting by then, and the redness had spread across my cheek, even my teeth ached.

I looked at the door when I heard the tapping. I wandered over and spoke without opening it.

'Whoever it is, just FUCK-OFF ... I'm not in the mood right now ...'

'Tee ... Honey, it's me ... Are ya okay?' It was Stevie.

'Yeah, I'm okay, you know me ... But I think Max might be a bit fucked up right now.'

I was stood with my head resting against the cold wood. I had no intention of opening it again, not at the time anyway.

'Will ya let me in, so I can check your face? ... Is it bad?' He sounded his usual concerned self.

'I'm good, Stevie, but I can't let you in, please, go home, your pregnant girlfriend needs you.' I finished the sentence with more tears on my face. 'Please, just go away, Stevie .. I don't mean to be rude, but, please ... Just go away ...'

'I ain't going till I know you're okay, ya hear?' he said through the door.

'Stevie, please, I'm fine, my cheek's fine, it's all fine ... I promise ...'

'Max is worried about ya, hon ... He thinks he might a hurt ya real bad,' came his voice, again.

'Well, tell Max, he can go fuck himself ... I'm stronger than he realises. I'll get over it, like I did with the crap over what's her gob, and I'll move my shit over to Silver Spring in the week ... There isn't much at the lodge that's mine anyway ... Let's face it, I don't need access to the house, everything I need is in the retreat ... Tell him I'll get it sorted in the next few days, okay?' I had no intentions of going back to the lodge from there. 'Can you do me a favour, though, please, Stevie?'

'Yeah, hon, anything,' came the whisper through the wood.

'Can you tell him ... It's not what he thinks, I was just in the wrong place at the wrong time, again ... And tell him, I, I didn't mean to hurt him ... I ...'

My mouth wouldn't work anymore. My tears came in huge gasps as I sunk to the floor again. I didn't want any of it. How had it even happened, and how had we ended up like that? I was at a loss.

'Honey,' it was Max's soft voice, 'please, open the door and let me in ... We need to talk ... And I need to make sure you're okay ...'

'Go way, Max ... I don't want to do this now,' I replied, my quiet voice breaking with more tears.

'I just wanna talk to ya ... Stevie'll even stay if ya want ... Please, honey, open up ...'

He sounded like my gentle Max, but I still wasn't convinced.

'... I'm sorry I shouted at ya, and I didn't know you were there when I hit ya ... Please, honey ...'

My battle raged within. Should I let him in, or, should I tell him to go screw himself, again? Somehow, him and his voice won. I stood and unlocked the door to open it. No sooner had I turned the latch, it flew open and he stormed in.

'... Where the fuck is he then ...?'

Max tore through my suite, looking room to room, before coming back to me. All the time he acted like a twat, Stevie leant against the doorframe, arms and ankles crossed.

'... What the fu ...?'

I couldn't understand why he was doing what he was doing.

'Do you really think, if he was here, I'd open the bloody door?'

I laughed aloud, unable to control myself.

'... No, you really think he is, don't you? Look at you ... You do, don't you? If you do then you're more of a fucking moron that I thought you were ... Get the fuck out of my room ... NOW ...'

I nearly slapped him again, as he moved towards me in that purposeful way. Sadly, he grabbed hold of my wrist before I could, jerking me towards him. His lips pulled tight over his teeth, his snarl a horrid noise, as his eyes became slits of bright blue. Pulling myself away, I moved out of his reach. His aura was all wrong for a party night, it was scary, and he didn't make the room any warmer for his presence.

'... I think you and me need some us time ...' His hard blue eyes held mine as he spoke. 'Stevie, would ya kindly leave us alone for a moment, please ... Tee and I need to have a few private words I think,' he spat.

Stevie answered by closing the door behind him as he stepped out into the hall. Suddenly, I felt very afraid.

'I think you've said quite enough for one night, and I reckon your actions speak way louder than any words you might choose to use.'

I watched him the whole time I spoke. He grinned, then turned away to take a seat. In his usual stance, and looking rather cocky from his movements, eventually his eyes came back to rest on me again.

'So, what's going on then? Is there something ya should be telling me here, hmmm?'

He crossed his arms and awaited my reply. When it came it was calm and to the point.

'There isn't anything going on, except for me trying to get the fuck away from you ... Being home, cooped up like that, in your hideous atmosphere, it was pure hell ... You were suffocating me, Max, I had to escape, so I left ... And that's about it ... So, really, none of this has anything to do with Shay, this, is all about you ...'

I stood my ground, trying to justify my actions. He didn't seem impressed.

'Ya know, when I found ya gone, boy, did I panic ... I looked in the retreat, I checked the damn meadow ... I even rang round Silver Spring and Stevie, just in case ya'd gone there ... No one had seen ya, and I was starting to freak out a little, an event in a dark barn came to mind, remember that? ... Then I got a call from Danny Boy ... He told me about the fun you, and that piece a shit, were having while I was going outta my mind with worry ... Did I even cross your mind? Didn't ya think I might be a little worried about the fact that my fucking wife was missing?'

His blue eyes never once left my face.

'To be quite honest,' I said, my voice not wavering in the slightest, 'I didn't think you gave a shit ... That's what you said ... And that's why I didn't stay to have another night of total misery ... I couldn't do it, Max, not again, not after Christmas, and not on New Year's Eve ...'

I was hurting, emotionally as well as physically. He could see that too. I walked over to the Jack bottle and poured us both a drink. Returning, I handed him his glass.

'... You know what, Max, I find it amazing,' I continued, my voice still not angry, somehow. 'When the shit in L.A kicked-off, we all rushed round, like dicks in a spin, to make sure your ego felt better ... When you disappeared in London, you had us all going out of our tiny minds ... I've been in this situation a hundred times with you, and every time I have to deal with it then let it go, even when you thought you'd got that old slapper up the gut ...'

My thoughts and words had come pouring out of me, but still there was more.

'... So ... How come it doesn't work the other fucking way when the roles are reversed, huh? ... FUCKING ANSWER ME THAT ...'

My last four words were screamed into the space between us. I downed my drink, in one, and calmly placed my glass on the table next to Max.

'Why'd ya come here? This was the last place I thought you'd come back to.' His voice was quiet, as if lost in a memory.

'... Because I didn't know where else to go, and it was too late to drive to Silver Spring or Ma's ... I'm sorry, but I couldn't stay in that place for one more minute, not with you in that shitty mood.' I sighed loudly. '... I just needed some time-out, Max, that's all ... Shane was passing through, we caught up as I was leaving ...'

As my sad words fell from me I walked over to the window and looked out over the white city. The lights had a sharp crispness to them, created from the cold air. People were walking the street shouting greetings to each other. Happy faces laughed and sang as they wandered from group to group, hugging and kissing each other. How lucky they were to be out there, more people for me to envy.

Max came and stood behind me. I felt his fingers trail a line down the back of my arm. When he spoke it was my lovely Max's voice again, gentle in tone, calm and low.

'I wanted this year to start so much better ... I'm sorry we didn't go and do something together ... I'm sorry I been such a shit lately ... And I'm sorry I'm taking my shit out on ya ... Can ya forgive me?'

I felt his face gently rest against the back of my head.

'Talk to me, Max, please ... Why you being like this with me? What have I done to make you be so distant?' I asked, sadly, as I turned to face him.

'You've done nothing wrong, honey ... It's me, and I'm so sorry ... I just got a lot a shit going on in my head, and it's wrong of me to take it out on you ...'

His face softened as he looked down at me, his blue eyes slowly going misty.

'... Hell, honey,' he half smiled, 'what can I say? ... I've been torn apart, inside ... Since we lost ...'

He trailed off as a tear skipped down his cheek. I lifted my hand and brushed it away. As I went to drop it, he caught it, raised it to his lips, kissed the palm, then put it against his cheek, before closing his eyes.

'Oh, sweetie, why didn't you talk to me ... You knew I was there for you? Why didn't you come to me?' I whispered. 'You didn't have to suffer on your own with this ...'

They opened again, slowly, as blue as they ever were, and just as misty.

'I didn't want to keep reminding you of what we'd just been through ... Ya seemed to be coping with it all and, well, I didn't want it dragging ya down every time ... I couldn't do it to ya ...'

His eyes skipped over my face as he spoke, the look resting there showing every sign of the pain within. I welled up as I walked into his arms. We stood and held each other for a while, not saying anything. I knew, then, what this had all been about. How blind was I? I was so busy getting on with it that I hadn't even realised Max was still hurting. He had his moments but, in general, I thought he was actually coping. Seems I was very wrong there.

Max sent Stevie home, the poor bast'd, and we stayed at the hotel for the rest of the night. We spent it talking, weeping quietly and, eventually, I replaced his wedding ring back on his finger as we laid in each other's arms.

The lovemaking that followed was quiet, close and incredibly intimate. There were vows renewed, promises sworn, and whispers of loving forever. We saw the dawn arrive with limbs still entangled, and expressed more feelings in the shower before breakfast. Why we made it so hard to love each other, when nights like that were so easy to achieve, I just don't know.

The receptionist beamed when she saw us both the next morning, the pair of us sporting red marks under sunglasses, but smiling as if frozen that way. We handed over our key, settled the bill, and walked from the foyer wrapped in each other's arms.

Work, Rest and Play

The next few weeks passed by with a little more care and understanding, and we spent more time together doing the things couples do. We'd walked the mountain paths, in the snow, hand in hand, had lunch at Lake Louise, and visited family and friends together. We'd attended a Film Premiere in Vancouver and walked the red carpet. Max had been as excited as a child when Craig rang and offered us the seats. It was good to see him smiling and laughing again. He'd picked me up and swung me round when I'd given him the good news.

He spent a week in the studio, with Stevie, starting work on the new album. They'd come up only for food, and had talked non-stop as they scoffed. I'd been left to my own devises, again.

I spent most of it in my studio, painting. The view from Stevie's place had been in my head for months, so I'd dug through all my photos and found the one with the panoramic mountain thing going on. The huge canvas sat on my new easel with the first layer of oil drying. I'd picked it up on a daily basis, then studied it from different angles and under different light. It was slowly getting there and, apart from that, it was something to do.

'I'm not the girl I used to be, Max, a lot of things have changed me over the last few years ...' I was sat daydreaming out of the den window, a lazy look in my eye. I huffed out a laugh. 'My Pops would have had a right giggle at all this, ya know ... Bless him ...'

Max was sat on the couch opposite, strumming his acoustic and watching the rain on the windows.

'I would've liked to have met ya Pa ... Ya don't talk about him much ... Why is that?'

His gaze slowly came round to look at me. The question was on his face as he strummed away.

'You would've liked him ... He was a cool dude,' I chuckled. 'If I talk about him, I start to miss him and, so, I try not to do that either,' I smiled. 'He liked drinking ale, driving his car, and fishing was his first love ... I had him to myself for five years, between Mother's death and his ...' A tear ran down my cheek from the memory, 'I thought he was going to be my greatest loss,' another one followed the first, 'seems I was very wrong there ...'

He stopped playing and watched as my face turned to him.

'... When you say you're breaking inside, I know exactly what you're saying, I've lived it and I'm living it still ...' I swallowed. 'When you ask me, will the pain ever end? ... I don't know, I've been hurting all this time, the numbness never seems to fade ...' I blinked a warm trickle from my eyes. '... And, the next time you're standing somewhere, and you think to yourself you can't do it anymore ... I'll be feeling it too ... Because, I've been feeling it every day, and dreaming about it, every night ...'

Moving to the space at my feet, his arms enveloped me to be crushed against him as I melted into sadness.

'Arh, baby, I didn't know you was hurting so bad ... Jesus, you're the strongest person I know, apart from Ma ... How'd ya do it for so long? Ya amaze me, woman ... I love ya so much,' he chuckled to himself, holding me to him.

And, as the rain lashed against the window, turning the white fluffy snow to grey icky mush, we lost ourselves in each other, again.

'I ain't fucking going if he's the photographer, and that's final, so you can kiss my skinny fucking ass ...' He paused while a voice chirped into the line. '... That's your fucking problem ... YOU WORK IT OUT,' Max shouted into the phone. 'EVEN BETTER, I'll get my wife to take 'em and I'll send you the fucking bill ... How's that sound?... ASSHOLE ...'

He slammed the phone down and finished his Jack in a mouthful.

'... Sweet baby Jesus, are these people fucking stupid or what?' he called from the library.

'Yes, dear, you just noticed?' I called back.

I was in the kitchen and had no idea what he was going on about. I walked out into the den and looked along towards the library door, drying water from my hands. He came stomping out and disappeared into the games room. I knew he was headed for the bar.

'I'd love a long G and T over ice, please, sweetie,' I called, hoping I'd been heard.

He didn't come back, so I threw the towel onto the counter and walked to the open door. Leaning against the frame, I saw him refill his glass from the optic, twice more, and walk to the window. He stood looking out into the rainy afternoon, taking big gulps from his glass. One hand was stuffed in his front pocket, as he sighed loudly.

'That's okay, sweetie, I'll do my drink,' I chuckled as I wandered over for a drink. 'What was that all about on the phone? ... Who's stupid?'

He turned from the window. 'Sorry, honey, I didn't hear ya ask,' he grinned over. 'Oh, yeah, the assholes that are doing the shoot next week ... I wanna change Photographers, and they ain't too happy about having to do it at such short notice ... I told them, I'd rather you take the damn photos and I'll send them the fucking bill ... Fuck 'em,' he laughed.

My turn to sigh loudly. 'This is about Shay, isn't it? ... Max, you've had your moment with him ... Come on, time to leave it ... To me he doesn't exist, you're all I see, remember? ...'

Smiling, I took my long drink, then sat on the couch, facing him at the window. The first few gulps evaporated into a dry mouth. Lord, it was good.

'Yeah, I'll leave it, when I've kicked his worthless ass, one more time ... Okay then, maybe two more ...'

He trailed off, walked over and sat next to me, placing his glass on the table beside him.

'... I don't know what it is but, every time I see that smug fucker's face, I just wanna rip it off ... I can't explain it ...'

He was looking out the window at the wet trees and the rain beyond, slowly rubbing his knuckles. It was like watching a rowdy teen readying for a scrap, one against five.

'Does he get to you that much?' I was amazed that he felt that way.

'Yeah, honey, he does ... I hate the way he looks at you with that smirk in his fucking eyes.' His look changed as his eyebrows sunk. 'It's like he thinks he's got one over on me or something ... The fucker winds me up just by being in the same damn room ... I'm sorry ... But he just does ...'

His eyes slid down to his lap as he fell quiet.

'Sweetie, please, believe me, you've got no worries there ... I'm not interested in anyone else.'

I took his chin with my fingers and turned his face towards me.

'I love you, not him, not anyone else, just you.' I nodded as I finished with, 'I do, whether you want me to or not, and, even when you're being the ultimate pain in the arse, I even love you then.'

I smiled as I looked into his lovely eyes and patted his thigh.

'Now, come on, I'm starving, what do you fancy for dinner?... Chicken, steak? ... Me?' I giggled.

'I reckon I'll have the chicken, and then a little of you for desert ... That sounds like a sweet idea,' he chuckled, as he leant over and kissed me quickly.

The smile was back in his eyes again, and I liked that far better.

'So, let me get this straight ... You, want me, to do the photos for the new album? Is that what you're asking me?' I chuckled. 'Should I laugh now, or, can I keep it for later?' I smiled at the four faces looking at me.

We were all together, down in the studio office, their productive day almost over. The four boys were sat there, grinning slightly stupidly, even Dan, who I hadn't quite forgiven.

Max stood and walked over to me. 'Arh, come on, honey, ya done this shit before ... Let's face it, ya did a bitching job on Last Man Down ... I reckon ya'd have no problems pulling this off ...'

'Yeah, I hear what you're saying, sweetie, and I get where you're all coming from ... Guess I could try out some ideas, see what happens ... Maybe we could get some test-shots done, we can then play around with them a little ... I'll give it a go, if you want ... Hell, why not, I've got nothing to lose by trying, have I?'

I walked over and sat in Max's chair, scratching the back of my head.

'Have you thought about locations for the shoot? ... We could do a bunch here and see how they come out, the meadow would be a great place to start? Help me, guys, what you hoping for here?' My questions was asked to them all. 'Have you even thought about what it is you really want ...?'

Max explained he'd quite like some taken in the studio, while they were working. Stevie liked the thought of going to some rundown farm or bridge. Jake said they should take a journey back to their roots, and take some in Rowley.

'We could go back to our stupid school ... See if ole Murdock is still the Principal, the asshole,' Jake chuckled.

Dan was the hardest to deal with, because I sort of hated him, a little, after he busted my New Year. He couldn't look at me as he replied.

'... Hey, I ain't fussed ... Whatever you guys decide works for me ...'

So, there you go, helpful weren't they?

'Leave it with me ... Let me have a think about it ... How long before they want the proofs?' I asked, as I turned to Max and Stevie.

'We got until the first of March to get them over to Vancouver ... That gives us twelve days ... What d'ya reckon, can we do them by then?' Stevie asked.

'Yeah, why the hell not ... It's half a memory stick, isn't it? ... How hard can it possibly be?' I chuckled aloud.

Well, after a few sleepless nights, my phone almost going into meltdown, committing only a tiny amount of blackmail, and pulling in a couple of old favours, somehow, I managed to arrange all of it. I followed them around the studio, snapping as I went, I arranged a full-on shoot out in the boonies of Silver Spring, and even managed to cart us all over to Rowley to gate-crash the town for a day.

The kids at their old school loved us paying them a visit and, yes, even ole Murdock came out of retirement to say hello. The hard work paid off, and I managed to get loads of fabulous shots. They were like big children themselves, playing in the snow with the kids of the town. One hell of a snowball fight broke out on the field behind the school. It was great to watch, the antics hilarious, which offered some excellent opportunities for more great pictures.

When we returned to the lodge, after each shoot, looking at the prints proved to be very interesting. I saw a mix of reactions from the lads. The ones I'd converted to black and white were fantastic and revered the most, going down well with everyone.

Those taken out-back at Walt's farm came out far better than I first thought they might. The old derelict barn made a great backdrop. The skeleton of the frame jutted up through the roof and gave the effect of a creepily decaying church. I was so taken with it, as a location, I took a few extra pics without the boys. They'd make great page fillers in the lyrics booklet.

Anything I wanted, or needed, to know about the process, I must admit, I spoke to Shay. He'd given me his mobile number so I thought it only right that I put it to some good use. I'd entered him as Aunt Mabel, it suited him. I would ring him from the retreat, so as not to upset Max. We nearly got caught out, but only the once. As I heard Max sneak in, to sit on my desk and watch me, I changed the way I was speaking.

'... No, Aunty Mabel, I'll try not to catch a chill and, yes, I'll wrap up warm.' I paused.

He knew straight away Max was in the room so, in a high pitched, old lady voice, he replied, 'That's good then ... Oh, and do give all my love to that strapping husband of yours ... Tell him I do hope to see him soon ... And Uncle Albert sends his love, by the way, he says he misses you, very much,' he sniggered down the line.

I tried not to do the same, as I remembered naming his dick Uncle Albert.

'Okay then, Aunty Mabel, I'll speak to you soon,' I smiled as I finished the call.

'All my love to you both, and lots of kisses, bye, sweetie,' Shay replied.

'Yeah, bye,' I almost laughed down the line.

Thank God Max hadn't walked in five minutes earlier. We were in hysterics over the snowball fight at the wedding. Shay had found the look on Max's face highly hilarious when we ran round the house and straight into him. He thought Max was going to explode when he managed to dodge the punch and leg it. He'd also thanked me for saving his arse, yet again.

I'd apologised for the New Year and said he'd taken his punches like a man. He'd said, if he hadn't have been so pissed, he would have whipped Max's arse. I'd shuddered at the thought of them two giving it some in the bar. The place would have been trashed, and I would have had some serious bailing out to do the next morning.

I'd thanked him for staying down when he did. I'd also told him I felt responsible for Max's actions, and explained how Max felt about him. He'd said he'd be careful in the future. He'd hated seeing me get hurt that night, and he swore never to let it happen again.

I finished all the graphics while the guys chose fonts and colours. I was sending proofs, backwards and forwards, to the office in Vancouver for them to clear for use. Once they were happy with the final shots, I printed off an idea of what it could look like, and collated it all together as a finished product. Then, once finished, I placed the cover and booklet in a crystal case so they could see an example. I even used top quality paper, in a clean matt gloss, which gave it a nice feel. Then to top it off, I printed a blank CD, with the band logo on it, and some fancy artwork to match.

Max was over the moon, Stevie was pretty bloody impressed and hugged me to his side, Jake loved the concept of the black and white barn photo under the lyrics, and Fall Away was just the right track for that picture.

Dan, well, he stayed silent for a while and hung back till everyone else had their say. I waited for him to slag it off but, I must say, I was probably the most surprised by his comments.

'I think it's just what it needs. The album Four Us is about the four of us. We all had something to add as individuals, whether that was musically or lyrically. The fact that you've included individual shots of each of us, and not just ones of us as a band, is a great idea ...'

He flicked through the booklet as he spoke.

'Yeah ... I like it, and reckon it could possibly be one of the best cover we've ever had ... If they keep it, like that, and don't fuck about with it, I think we got a seller there ... Thanks, Tee.'

His smile was a bit watery but I thanked him all the same.

Max didn't give a shit what they thought, to him it was God damn amazing, and I got a big hug and kiss in way of a thank you from him, and something else too, but that had more to do with pillow talk.

Everybody was happy with it. The guys were happy with it, Vancouver was happy with it, and I was ecstatic with it. It was to be released as they readied themselves for their Four Us - Tornado Tour, across Canada starting in the May. The timing, as always, had been perfect, so, we held a little celebration at the lodge for all the hard work everybody had put in.

The girlfriends were all invited along to join in. Dan brought along his latest squeeze that had lasted a few months by then. Lola was a nice, quiet, girl, not a big drinker, but she did enjoy a smoke. He'd introduced us on the plane going out for the L.A. wedding, just before they went off to join the mile high club. She and I had a few good laughs, sat at the bar, while we rolled smoke after smoke, stripping the piss out of the clowns around us.

Jake had found a pretty little hippy chick called Cotton White, (Eh!), in a bar in Rowley the day we did the shoot. She'd been travelling around singing and playing her guitar, but decided to stay when she'd arrived in his home town. She said it had good vibes, or some such hippy-hoopla, but I know what she meant. Rowley has that down-home feel about it, it's nice.

For Jake, it had been lust at first sight, and she'd felt the same. By the time the album hit the shops, they'd shacked up together in his Calgary pad, and very happy he was, too. I was glad for him and told him so. He'd given me a peck on the cheek and blushed as I passed him a joint, bless him.

Stevie and Chels were the last to arrive. Dan had shouted over to me, from the den, as they made their way, slowly, through the dirty slush and up the steps. Max was playing pool with Jake, in the games room, as I opened the door to them both.

I welcomed them in with hugs and kisses, glad to have them both there for a change. Chels looked stunning and glowed like a beautiful light bulb. Her hair shone, her skin radiant, and the bump was getting to be quite noticeable. I laughed when I saw her, even though I had tears in my eyes.

When the others heard Stevie laughing with Dan, they all came out to join in. Max was the straggler, only joining us after a few more balls had been potted. His face, when he saw Chels, was a bit sad and a bit happy, but he hugged and kissed her as gently as ever. His hand slid to her belly as they spoke, his smile all full of love for the child that lay within.

Stevie was stood, his arm hung round my shoulder, as we watched their open show of affection but, even so, we both knew of the turmoil that really hid beneath Max's loving smile.

On The Road Again

Two months later I was faced with a mind-wrenching choice to make. I could go with Max and the guys on the Tornado Tour, living with Max on the bus for eight weeks, seeing Canada and loving the ride. Alternatively, I could stay behind at the lodge, working as ever, watching the days turn to a month, then two, and all that time wishing I'd gone in the first place. Or, I could go back to Silver Spring, to escape the emptiness in Canmore, hang out with Winnie and the Townies, drinking Jack, do the garden, then drive to work every day. It took me a few days to decide. I made my mind up the morning Joey came to collect Max. I'd finished his packing the day before. It was chaos.

It always amazed me the amount of stuff that was needed for touring. It was like a rolling city. You name it, it was included, and if anything broke down, well, that was just fine, there was always another truck, just behind, filled with replacements.

Max had purchased his tour bus several months earlier, and, jeez, it was a bloody palace. I'd even go so far as to say it was bigger, and plusher, than my first flat. Only the bus was better, in two ways, because you didn't have to share the kitchen and the bathroom which, regarding the bus, was way bigger in both departments.

It had belonged to some big name in the music industry, so it came with all the toys in the entertainment area. This kept Max amused for hours, his way of winding down after a gig. The huge TV, games consoles and full bar are probably every boys dream. There was even a section, under the bedroom, that acted as a garage. Max rode the Vulcan custom straight in, no shit. He loved it, and after the boys saw his, well, they all ended up with one, didn't they. A tour bus, not a Vulcan, of course.

Stevie was travelling alone, Chelsea didn't want to go, and I couldn't blame her. She was going over to stay with Beth. Stevie's Ranch Manager, Randy Baker, was running things in Stevie's absence and exercising Big Boy, as I'd started to call him. It suited the dopey horse for some reason. He was really big and definitely a boy. What more can I say? Randy didn't call him that though, he called him Silver, and that was cool too.

Leaning against the studio office doorframe, with my arms and ankles crossed, I watched Max getting all excited from the prospect of being back out on the road again. He and Stevie were as animated as each other, while they laughed and joked their way around the room.

I remember seeing him so alive, his actions and smiles enough to make me laugh at the child in him still. I just wanted to grab hold of him and never let him go. That was the man I fell in love with. That was my everything, right there.

Flexing a little muscle, and loving his life, every so often he'd look over at me and wink while he smiled his incredible smile. My heart would trip a little as that feeling of bliss flooded over my goose bump skin. I had a lazy smile on my face and a big sigh moment. He so had me, and so he knew it.

He walked over and, standing with his hands on his hips, asked, 'So, ya made ya mind up yet? Ya coming with me, on another adventure ... Or, are ya staying here? The choice, my little darlin, is yours?'

There was that delicious smile again. His eyes, his mouth, and him as a whole, was all too fucking perfect.

I half shut my eyes as I stretched up to kiss him.

'... I think ... I'll be joining you ... I'm not sure I can go for that long without having plenty of those,' I laughed as he pulled me to him. 'I know I couldn't live without doing this,' I smiled.

His lips brushed over mine as he chuckled and then kissed me again.

I was sorted by the time he'd locked the studio and climbed the stairs into the lodge. He came walking into the den, rubbing his hands together, looking eager to be gone. Stevie had already left and Joey was waiting in the car. Deciding to travel light, I hadn't bothered to pack, I was going to treat myself to a new wardrobe as we went.

I'd let everyone know I was going to be away. Craig was one of the first people to ring. Any meetings would have to wait, or be done as a conference call. Next up was Security, so they watched the house in our absence, and all was ready to roll.

The way Joey drove we caught up with Stevie soon enough, and the race was on. We collected the keys from Security and loaded what luggage we had into our homes for the duration. The bedroom had walk-in wardrobes, and a walk-in shower, plus a bed that could sleep a small tribe.

Max had several garment carriers that held jackets, shirts, t-shirts and jeans. Trainers and boots travelled in their own large leather case. The smaller one held his socks, toiletries and carried all the paperwork he needed for the trip and, lastly, was his old acoustic that always travelled with him.

Joey was our driver, along with a new chap nicknamed Hatch, who was brilliant, and what a laugh. He knew all the crap jokes and long winded stories. A bit of a smoker himself, he and I would sneak off for the odd joint while the boys were busy with whatever.

I took my new camera gear with me and managed to get some great shots from the wings, it was a cracking night in Calgary. I'll always remember when I walked out to stand behind the speaker stack to line up Max against the masses beyond. His fists were raised in the air as they finished Edge of It, and the crowd stretched for as far as you could see. The whole place was jumping as they thrashed through the new album. The noise from the crowd was tremendous. That's where Max thrived, out there, doing that.

We partied hard and lived the life. We gorged on good food and drank ourselves unconscious. We smoked God knows how much excellent pot, between all of us, and just because we all could. I danced, half naked, on the roof of the bus, in starlight, was romanced in the rain, and I felt the sadness of Max's sorrow only once in those early dates, and only because he overheard Stevie talking to Chelsea. She'd rung to say she'd felt the baby move, another reason for Stevie to get wasted in celebration. He was over the moon. Max, on the other hand, hit a low, and was quiet for a long time, but then made up for it by smoking a whole doobie to himself. He sure did cheer up after that.

Vast quantities of hours and miles were lost under the wheels at night as we slept. The trip, being split between the two drivers, passed quickly. It's funny how you go to sleep in one place and then wake up in another. We covered hundreds of miles in mere hours, well, that's what it was to me. The journey from Calgary to Winnipeg didn't exist, because I slept through most of it.

Max sat up with the TV and played games until he felt he was chilled-out enough to sleep. I felt his weight on the bed, when he curled up behind me, still wearing his stage clothes.

Our party night in Winnipeg saw us all in a Club called Stylus, and, wow, what a night that was. I'd never done a VIP lounge like that before. Bloody hell, it was heaving. Half of the crowd, at the gig, seemed to be local celebrities, and they all came along to join us.

I didn't see any of the lads for ages, but as soon as some bloke approached me, either Stevie or Jake would appear as if by magic. They made some sort of nasty comment to the poor guy, and then escorted me to the other end of the bar.

Max saw it once. I was kind of waiting for him to deck someone. He was so straight faced as he told the bloke, 'If just one of ya fingertips touches my wife, just one ... Ya wanna try? I dare ya ...'

He smiled his publicity smile as he raised his eyebrows.

I had to chuckle as the little man scuttled off into the throng. Watching him go, Max kissed the side of my head, before taking my hand and leading me off to a table.

I spent the rest of the night sandwiched between two beefy roadies, who tried to get me pissed and entertain me with their childish antics. Only, I'd passed that _can't get anymore pissed_ stage. I was so full of booze I'd be pissing for the next twenty-four hours, and we were on that bloody bus, weren't we.

We did treat ourselves to a bit of a detour, after a few nights doing smaller venues. We had a few days before the dates in Toronto, so, we took advantage of that and did some exploring of our own. I looked online for a map of the area and we randomly chose somewhere to go and see.

A place out past Sioux Lookout caught my eye. Sturgeon had been my Grandfather's surname, and a lake named the same definitely needed investigating. It was a stunning place, as it happens. The lake was huge and was surrounded by neat little fishing lodges plonked on its shoreline.

A great place to see the sun go down, we weren't hassled by a single person. We took a ride out on the motorbike and watched as the large yellow disk slowly dropped beyond the horizon, us perched, sideways, on our ride. His arm had hung around my shoulders as the last shot of light reflected off the mill pond lake. Stunning.

For Max it was all about Wawa, his favourite sound effect. He made the noise, and did the action, every time he said the place name. Being a bit stoned, I found it highly hilarious. Almost sat on the edge of Lake Superior, it has a beautiful view across the expanse that is the lake. I got a few good shots of Michipicoten Island as the first rays of light came across the bay. Max treated us to a night in a proper bed at the classy King's Club Hotel, and the views from our balcony were superb.

We followed the highway down through Lake Superior National Park, and the scenery just kept getting better. I loaded 872 photos onto my laptop from that short journey alone. From there, we chased the coast all the way to Sudbury, then stopped for a break at Sturgeon Falls. Another great place to lose a few hours, we wandered the river, below Power Dam, so I could take more photos of Max against another wonderful backdrop. From there, we cruised down to Orillia and followed the road towards Kitchener.

Before the dates booked, the guys were offered the chance to do a one night only gig in London, which is just down the road from Woodstock. I had to laugh when I saw signs for Waterloo, Cambridge and Stratford. How could I be homesick just miles from those? I cuddled into Max as I saw them skip by the bus window. He'd kissed the top of my head gently when I'd smiled and explained my thinking.

It was a great spontaneous night with a wonderful horde of crazy-happy people. The small venue was crammed to the gills with locals and our crew. The bar turned up in the back of a truck and went down a storm.

Hatch and I had a fab time getting wasted and dancing in circles, our arms linked, at the side of the small stage. Everybody had a corker of a night, and I hadn't laughed like that in a long time. That was a really good place to be, and a superb night, totally. The band rocked that overcrowded building till the walls shook. Max and Stevie beamed their way through song after song. Dan and Jake, well, they were amazed at the reception.

The sea of bodies went wild, the mosh pit moved as a single entity, while the bass thumped against the rafters. They sure knew how to get a room up and moving. Max Manley, what an amazing front-man to watch. He'd have them on the verge of exploding with energy. I loved to see him captivate a room with only a few words spoken. The songs did the rest with no problems at all.

Toronto was chaos. It was trouble from the start. They had problems with the sound, a pyrotechs guy cross wired a bunch of stuff, nearly setting light to the stage in rehearsal, and Max spent most of his time going ballistic at anyone who stood still for more than ten seconds.

I stayed well out of the way, it was chaos while the last checks were done. Hatch tried to help, but he gave up talking in the end, no one would listen to him. Stevie and I found it all rather amusing, as we sat, watching Max go slowly into meltdown.

In the end, I dragged him back to the bus and shagged his brains out. That cheered him up no end, and the crew were left to get on with the job without him sticking his beak in. Max was happy, I was happy, and everybody had a fabulous time. The two nights whizzed by, with no more problems, and the second night went out with a bang, literally.

From there we headed for Ottawa, stopping for a leg stretch and fuel in Nappanee. Nice place, near water, and the people were quite chatty. A couple of young girls recognised Stevie and had to get their vest tops signed in black marker. Apart from that, no one bothered us, and that was great.

Max even took a wander and was free to roam. It was almost normal for a while, and the change in him was nice to witness. I watched him amble down the street, his hands in his front pockets, as a hundred people hurried by. Max at his leisure, it didn't happen that often for him, and fame certainly does have a price, as well we know.

Hello, Ottawa

'Baby, do you love me?' I asked. We were lying in the huge bed.

Max was snuggled up behind me, as usual. 'Yeah, honey,' he laughed, 'how much d'ya want?'

'Ooh, you sounded like my Pops then,' I tutted, elbowing him in the ribs. 'No, I was going to ask you why ... Why do you love me, you twit?'

I rolled over to face him in the dark, I could feel his warm breath against my forehead. He cuddled me to him and kissed my temple.

'There's a hundred reasons why I love ya, and I wouldn't change a single thing about ya ... From ya pretty little nose,' he kissed the tip of it, 'right down to ya stinky little toes ... Being near ya is the best feeling ever, and I hate being without ya for too long ... You're so beautiful, and I'm so lucky ... Will that do?' I heard him chuckle, his ribs rolling with the nice sound.

'Yeah,' I smiled to myself, as I kissed his chest, 'I think that'll do nicely, Mister Manley, thank you.'

'That's okay then, I was kinda hoping ya'd say that ... Any chance of a quickie?' he laughed, as he rolled over, onto me, to do rudies in the dark.

I could fight a little, until I felt his lips brush my skin. From the way he whispered into my ear, to the way he could just take me there, it was all good. I caved with his hands on my body, then surrendered when he moved inside me. It took all the strength I had not to drown in the tide that we became.

Moving, slowly, we trailed a path to another side. Cruising, what I have no words to explain, left me burning at the core and held before a delicious drop. Falling in was as easy as taking a breath and, so, he pushed me over the edge. Dropping into darkness, as the wheels beat a rhythm below us, we travelled a path that was miles away from the one we were on. To taste, to touch, to have my dream in my hands and at my fingertips, that was all there needed to be, there was no need for anything more.

I brushed my fingers over his eyebrows, as we lay in each other's arms, drifting in the afterglow of our rampant exertion. The soft curls hung at his cheek and against his pillow beneath his head. As first light came through the skylights, I could just start to see the shape of his face in the gloom.

My eyes traced the line from his hair to his chin, as he closed his, and I ran my fingertips down his cheek to his neck. Rolling onto his back, I followed down onto his chest and rested my hand, there, against his heart.

We finally came to, again, with Stevie or Joey banging on the door saying we'd reached our next destination, and home, for the next two nights.

Ottawa was all big streets and tall buildings, as I remember. The guys were playing a two nighter in their stadium. I was in awe as we walked out onto the vast stage area.

As Max quite rightly said, '... Jesus, shit ...'

It held thousands and the guys started to get noticeably excited. Jake was running about whooping into the air, as Dan walked around, taking pictures on his phone to send to his parents. Stevie, on the other hand, walked straight to the front and plonked down on the edge. Cupping his hands round his mouth, he hollered two words into the void.

'... HELLO, OTTAWA ...'

He laughed to himself as he imagined the reply that would come later that evening and, my, was that something to see and hear. Amazing.

Max walked over and stood with his hands rammed into his pockets, as he glanced down to where Stevie sat.

'Well, bro, if we fill this fucking place, two nights running, I reckon we've fucking made it ... What ya reckon ...?'

He looked out over the vast space that held nothing but silence. The only random sound heard was Jake still bouncing around like a loon, laughing aloud, bless him, because he was so pissed and stoned.

Stevie turned his face up to us as we stood, silently, behind him.

'Jesus, if we fill this fucker for that long, dude, I'm fucking retiring ...'

He turned back to the view.

'... Shit ... That's a lotta people ... Do that many even know who the fuck we are?'

He laughed as he took of his baseball cap and scratched his head.

'... Man, if we fill half this place I'll be fucking happy ...'

He climbed to his feet, patted his little brother on the shoulder, and walked off to chat with Dan. The smile he left us with wasn't that convincing.

They were, in fact, a monumental couple of nights and, yes, the place was so packed it bulged at the sides. They possessed a crowd that knew every lyric to every song from every album. There wasn't a single one sung they didn't know verbatim. It was outstanding, and I even had a chance to get out on stage and take some action shots.

I used my new SLR and fisheye lens for a few of the heaving sea of audience. Arms waved as lasers flicked across raised hands and nodding heads. The beat of each track shifted the mass to a different tempo, they moved as one, and I was fascinated by it.

I found out later those gigs were also being filmed to be released on DVD. Max said something about them taking all the best bits and stringing it onto a set of two discs. Whatever, but I ended up on them anyway. You'll see me, moving about in the background gloom, talking to Hatch and taking photos. I had to laugh when I was told of my appearance. I instantly rang Gee, in Blighty, to tell him to look out for them when they were finally released.

Both nights rocked like that. I danced with whoever would join in, and had one hell of a ball backstage in the lounge area. It was pretty much a party every moment of the way for me. I enjoyed every second, and to think, I'd thought about staying behind. Wow, crazy woman.

Whilst still in Ottawa the band were guests on a local Rock Radio station. Mainly it was to have a guy-gossip session on the subject of Heavy Rock, but this also gave them the chance to chat about the tour and gush about the new album. They also performed an acoustic set on some popular live late-night chat show. This was all fine for them, but I was left to entertain myself, so I did.

I stayed on the bus chilling-out and getting stoned with Hatch. He'd turned into a good pal and, for some reason, Max didn't mind us hanging out together. Apart from the band members and Joey, Max had a problem with most men where I was concerned.

I liked having a buddy, I didn't get so lonely when Max was on stage, and I didn't have to drag my arse to some shite late night appearance either. Hatch was a good man and treated me like one of the lads, with just a few more manners. He very rarely swore in front of me, and he always made sure I was safe if there was a jostle after a gig. I guess it was, almost, like having my own bodyguard even, but to me, he was just my funny and amusing guyfriend.

He stood about 5' 10" and weighed in at around sixteen and a half stone. Shaved head and a goatee, he was not a chap you'd want to upset in a hurry. Another London boy, and a childhood friend of Joey's, he reminded me of a big daddy bear. The serpents up his forearms were a testimony to his former life as a nightclub bouncer back in Blighty.

Also, being the excellent mimic he was, he could strip the piss out of Max, and no messing. I swear he could do him to a tee, the famous pose Max pulled, feet apart whilst bashing out power cords, hips pushed forwards and arm flying back. Hatch in his sand coloured combat shorts and Eat Shit n Die t-shirt, bounced around, reducing me to a laughing, crying heap. I couldn't breathe at one point, my sides burning with the ache. The sod showed no mercy until I nearly peed myself. He stopped then and took the piss out of me instead, the rotten git.

That's how he entertained me for most of that evening while the boys went off to be famous. What a classic night of beers, bongs and silly banter. We had a real scream, a few drinks and hung out. It made one cool evening catching up with news from home and general gossip, sometimes I missed it more than I thought I did.

'So, Hatch, why do they call you that? ... Has it got some deep meaning or something?' I was slowly getting pissed.

'Nah, it's me surname, ya dopey cow,' he laughed. 'Me real name's Thomas Hatcher. Actually ... Thomas Arnold Hatcher, at your service, Misses Manley,' he chuckled, as his chin wobbled. 'Ere, you know that Shay Blane bloke, don't ya? Weren't you married to him or something?' he asked, whilst sat, stretched out on the long run of couch, bong and lighter doing a sporadic duet.

The lads were making they appearance on the TV but we'd muted them, we'd heard that song enough already.

'Yeah,' I replied, sipping a long Jack and coke, spliff in my fingers, glazed look in my eyes. 'Why d'you ask, you know him too?'

I took another swig and another pull before looking over at him.

'Well, I sorta knew him, when we were in Secondary School together, just off Southall High Street ... Right shit 'ole it was,' he laughed. 'He was a little wanker back then, but somehow he made it out, lucky little shit ... I used to beat the crap out of him ... He had this thing about him I can't explain ... When I saw him, I just wanted to punch his face in for some reason, don't ask me why ...'

He finished his bottle in two swallows and moved to get another from the well stocked cooler.

'Funny you should say that,' I giggled, 'Max feels pretty much the same way ... He can't stand him either, shame, really, we still get on pretty well, considering how it ended ... Max hates the connection we have, but he hates Shay more,' I laughed, before swigging back a few mouthfuls.

'But then,' I continued, with my pissed look and my affected speech, 'Max is a funny bugger when it comes to blokes and me, full stop ... I don't have any male friends over here outside of the band, which he can just about cope with ... Max finds it,' I used the most diplomatic word I could find, 'uncomfortable ... And I wouldn't wish his temper on anyone ... Jesus, he can be such a cock, sometimes ... The pain in the arse ...'

I chuckled as I recalled a collection of times where he'd warned men off. I realised, quite quickly, Jake wasn't lying when he'd said about having a neon, _Mine, keep the fuck off_ , sign above my head.

'Yeah, I had noticed he don't take kindly to losers on the prowl, does he? I was waiting for him to kick off with that geezer in Winnipeg ... I must admit, if he was gonna throw a few, I thought it mighta been that night ... Just goes to show ... He wasn't as wasted as I thought he was ...'

He laughed as he walked back to the couch with his fresh beer.

'... He's a good bloke, is Max,' he grinned, raising his glass to toast them, singing _In Your Mouth_ to a live studio audience. '... Yeah, he ain't bad ... For a yank ...'

I laughed, 'He's Canadian ... Different country, Hatch ...'

He looked over, still grinning. 'Yeah,' he replied, 'whatever ...'

The days flitted by under bus wheels and the pressure of producing a gigantically amazing gig. That's the thing with live performances. It doesn't matter if you all fight like bitches behind the scenes, when you walk onto that stage, you are the product. You bury your battles and do the job at hand. You can't take baggage on stage, it effects the atmosphere immensely.

You could always tell when things had an edge. Max tended to crash through song after song. The crowd loved it, but he was just getting out his minor frustrations. He was usually a fantastic hump after a performance under those conditions. We could go at it like rabbits for hours, and we made full use of that whole bus. There wasn't a spot left we hadn't humped on or over. I always laughed when people went to the cooler for a beer, that section of counter where they rested their hand to open the door. If they only knew.

Before long, we were on the final leg home and their two nights in Edmonton. They were nearly on home turf. When Max later asked the crowd if there was anyone from Rowley, a whole section of audience exploded with screams and shouts. He was happy with that, and they had a fabulous two nights entertaining more hordes of devoted followers. The whole band were in their element and it showed in their fabulous playing. They really shone, and I reckon it was probably the best I've ever seen them play.

The last night of the tour was astounding. The noise of the people was mind blowing. I even managed to capture some stunning shots from the mixing desk tower. It's quite a view from one of those. I wouldn't have got access if Hatch hadn't been with me. He happened to be drinking buddies with one of the tech heads. They were quite happy nattering while I took as many pics as I wanted. It had the most excellent view of the stage.

The party afterward was something else and thrown by their Publicity Company at the overly expensive Meredith Hotel. The bar was way too small and awash with the various mixes of expensive aftershave, which made it smell a little like a pimp's parlour.

Hatch and I walked the perimeter, with drinks in our hands, watching everybody trying to gain a second of recognition. It was wall to wall arse licking, at its finest, and we were both very impressed with the amount of horseshit that was flying about.

It was the my estate is bigger than your estate lot that probably gave us the most laughs. They all seemed to have money oozing from their orifices. We giggled like kids as we did crap posh accents and took the piss relentlessly.

Hatch had to haul me away when I started getting a bit personal by saying, 'Ooh, my dick's bigger than your dick ...' I was laughing loudly and pointing at the group of coin-crappers.

Sadly, they weren't getting my joke, as I was escorted to a safer distance, me, still peeing myself laughing.

Max had surfaced, every so often, with another drink for me. I loved the way Jack and colas would suddenly be put into the hand that held an empty glass. He would make a fuss of me for a while and then wander off again, lost to the crowd around us.

Stevie breezed by every so often. I knew Jake was outside getting caned, it was his way of enjoying himself, fair play to him. Dan was always looking for the right person to get to know, just the same as Max.

Most people in that room were handy souls to be acquainted with. Like most things, it's not what ya know, it's who ya know, and I fully believe that, especially when it comes to the music business.

Biting Bullets

By midweek we were back home and that was that. Next up was the '100 Days Bitin Bullets Tour' planned for the U.S in the summer. It started in Seattle and ended in New York. They had six weeks at home before they left and, believe me, they were about to fly by.

Stevie had a nursery to decorate to start with. I needed to sort the fencing in the meadow and get a barn built. Max had some business to take care of in New York and Vancouver, plus the band was due to follow and play two nights at the Coliseum there. They all had a week at home before they had to worry about that though.

I decided I'd do the New York and Vancouver trips, but I wasn't too enamoured with the thought of a hundred days in the States. I had work to think about and Craig's meetings would be happening soon. It just wasn't feasible for me to go with him on that one. Even though I detested the thought of a hundred sleeps without him, I had to say no in the end. Max was devastated and moody for a few days, until I said I'd visit as often as I could. He cheered up a little for hearing that promise being made, thank the Gods.

As the weeks melted away with the last of the snow, and although the temperatures plummeted a few nights, we didn't see any more frosts or white, fluffy stuff, so the summer was definitely coming.

The trip to Vancouver was another experience. Wow, what a place, well worth a visit, more skyscrapers and busy streets. They have two amazing steam clocks, which look incredible at night blasting their plumes into the cold air around them. Well worth a view if you're going that way. They really are a feet of engineering at its finest.

The other thing about the place is it never goes quiet. Even with the triple glazing, in the hotel, we could hear the ruckus beyond the glass. Lives never stop being lived there, the circle is never-ending. As one shift finishes, another begins, and on it goes, nonstop, a perpetual wheel of work.

Having sex in the shower, most mornings, before breakfast was heaven. While he did TV and radio interviews, I shopped for a new wardrobe. I had a lovely time out with Hatch. We found a groovy little bar and had lunch while we watched motorsports. It certainly whiled away a few hours.

We all had to attend a special dinner at the Belle View Hotel with a bunch of bigwigs, one of which was a famous Director. He seemed very interested in doing their next music video with them. Max took his card and put it in a safe place for future reference.

The fences were done and the barn built before Max left at the end of May. I wanted Big Boy, or Silver, in the meadow before they left. A local firm came in and did the lot in a fortnight. The barn appeared, almost overnight, and the post and rail fencing was the mutts nuts.

When it was all finished, I wandered around in the vast space, smelling the new wood and enjoying the peace. It was being painted the next day, if it didn't rain, fingers crossed. The openness of it took me to a dark place for a moment, but Max walking in lifted it from my eyes. His sweet smile chased away the demons in dark corners to wash the space clean.

He was very impressed with the workmanship and told me so, as we stood, hugging, in the middle of the floor. If he was happy, I was happier.

The boiler room, in the lodge, would then double as a tack room. I knew the beautiful western saddle and bridle, which I'd had made-to-measure, would perish if it became damp. Down there, it would be at a constant temperature and moisture free. Max could understand me staying behind then, I had to be there for Big Boy.

Stevie arranged everything for me, and the dopey horse arrived full of the joys of spring. It was great to watch him be released into the huge expanse that was to become his new home, so as to frolic and kick as he charged around in his new found freedom.

I wandered towards the barn, as he galloped up the field, stopping a few paces behind me. He let me enter first, the big dope. He stood with his head through the door, having a look before he set one hoof over that threshold.

'Well ... Welcome to your new home then,' I laughed. 'Come on, what's there to be afraid of?'

I shook my head at him, he did the same back. A handful of his favourite mints finally got the better of him, the big caver. A typical bloke, he'll move if food is involved. He settled in after about ten minutes. He was finally home, and he knew it. I was talking quietly to him as Max and Stevie came wondering in.

'Now, there's something ya don't see every day,' Stevie grinned, leant in the doorway with his hands in his back pockets. Max was next to him with his arms crossed and a big grin on his face.

'What's that?' I asked from where I was rubbing a hand over Big Boy's side as he stood eating hay.

'True love,' Stevie laughed. He turned to Max and chuckled, 'Bet she don't do that to you, does she, bro?'

Max laughed loudly and looked at him. 'She does, actually ... And I must say, it feels damn good when she does ... Especially when she does it in the shower ...'

He slapped Stevie's shoulder and walked over to sit on a bale of straw.

'Jesus, T.M.I., bro ... I don't wanna know the seedy details of ya sordid sex lives ... Keep that shit to yourselves, if ya don't mind,' Stevie chuckled from the door.

I looked over at him and laughed. 'You're only jealous coz you ain't getting any.'

He looked at me, still grinning. 'Jeez, tell me about it ...' His gaze moved to Max. 'It's locked tighter than a God damn vault, for fuck sake ...'

Max chuckled. 'Ya stupid ass ... Ain't she got a God damn mouth?' He looked over at me laughing, his arms still crossed.

Stevie laughed as he took his cowboy hat off and ran his fingers over his short cropped hair.

'Jeez, yeah, God damn it ... I keep forgetting them ladies have more than one hole ... That's it, I'm done and outta here ... See you freaks later ...'

He turned away and headed off down the meadow, still laughing.

'... Shit, Stevie, T.M.I. ya dirty fucker, T.M.I. ...' Max laughed as he watched his brother heading back towards the lodge.

It was getting late and Stevie wanted to be going. They still had loads of shit to sort for the tour, and there was only a few days left before they all flew off to Seattle. They hadn't had the support band confirmed, either, and Stevie didn't want a bunch of assholes following them for a hundred days. He went home to ring the dude that should have had the answer to that question.

His goodbye was a wave in the air, as we watched him through the gate and into the treeline by the stream.

As their leaving date drew nearer, we rushed around getting stuff sorted. Sometimes it felt like we didn't even have time to fart. Max and Stevie buggered off to watch the Stock-car Racing, just outside Hanna, for a day, while I caught up with my deadlines. That was the only day-off they had in weeks, and they spent it together, not with the other halves that would be missing them, oh, no, they spend it with the sibling they'd be spending the next hundred days with. Work that one out, if you can.

Glad of the peace, Max had been driving me crazy. If he wasn't trying to talk me into going with him, he was demanding kisses and generally being a gorgeous pain in the arse. I also had to do an overnighter in Edmonton as Craig had brought a meeting forward. The Board were happy, Craig was happy, and I sat quietly, listening to the banter and, generally, I smiled and nodded a lot.

Max and Stevie met me for lunch, on a whim. They were then driving down to see Beth before they went on the road. They always tried to say goodbye, Beth would nag them about it on the phone if they didn't. The pair of them had decided to stay there for the night and then amble back the next day, which worked out fine, I would also be home by then.

The day before they left was emotionally charged. The worst bit was realising we had less than twenty-four hours together. So, at every opportunity, Max would swoop in for a smoochy cuddle, regardless of what chore I was trying to undertake at the time. It's not easy trying to dust in rubber gloves with a man stood before you that won't let go. It doesn't matter how high you stretch, you'll never do that top shelf if someone's trying to snog your face off.

We spent the afternoon together, alone. We talked about the support band travelling with them. Stevie had been chuffed to find out it was ReHab. They were the young guys he'd got talking to at the wedding in L.A. They played mostly grunge, so they would go down a storm with the Ea$y crowd. New kids on the block, Max, Stevie and the rest of the crew would look out for them. That fresh faced band were about to see the music business in a completely different light. Touring kicked ass.

Our thoughts of sadness stayed inside, we couldn't let them show. If we had surrendered to that chink in our armour we would have lost the battle. Me nearly in tears was bad enough, I didn't want to see Max feeling it too. We held our chins up the best we could, making promises, making memories.

The evening crept in to find us rather quiet and very close. We didn't stray far from familiar touches. There was a lot of hugging and kissing, we were about to be apart for a while, and it was going to be the longest separation since before I left England. I wasn't looking forward to it, and I had the distinct feeling Max wasn't very happy about it either.

Honestly, I'd reconsidered going a thousand times, but I had to prioritise. Yes, Max was the most important thing in my life, and I hated the thought of not seeing him, but, Big Boy was down in the meadow, I had deadlines, and what about Silver Spring? I hadn't been over in months. I was already behind with certain stuff, if I went with Max, yes, it would have been fabulous, but it would only have been a bigger headache when I finally got back home, and I swore never to do that again. The turmoil nearly killed me, and it kept me awake for a few nights wrestling with the decision, I can tell you, but, ultimately, I had to stand by what I thought was right.

As the last of the evening slowly turned to night, the urgency of our last hours together became more torturous. We'd had dinner and were sitting talking in the den.

'I don't know how I'm gonna feel about waking up every morning without ya there ... It ain't gonna feel right, that's for sure ... I'm gonna miss having ya near me so much ...'

He was playing with the fingers on my left hand as he spoke.

'I know, I'm going to hate it, too ... It's going to be horrible, here, without you ... I might feel the need to ring you at least thirty times a day, you know that don't you?' I giggled.

I watched him smile, his eyes slowly lifting to meet mine. He still had my fingers in his hand.

'Only thirty? Woman, ya should be missing me every second of every day ... I want ya texting me every five minutes and ringing at least three times an hour ... Otherwise I'll drop the damn tour and come on home,' he laughed.

Leaning over, I kissed him gently. 'You want me to do all that, every day, and have a life? ... For how long? ... Jesus,' I chuckled, 'you don't want much, do you? When am I supposed to fit in all the late night lovers and all-night raves? ... Don't I get any time off? ... At all?'

He kissed me, again, and chuckled. 'I'm telling ya now, if I come home and find just one little ole toy-boy stashed under my bed, I swear, woman ... I'll never let ya kiss my dick again, got it?'

'Oh, yes,' I grinned, 'I got it alright,' I smiled, as my hand slid up his thigh, and onto the firm bulge that was crushed in tight, black denim.

His eyebrows rose as he slid in for another kiss, his eyes closing as he moved towards me. The moments, there, spent doing that, were priceless. We wouldn't be doing it for a while, and I think Max realised that.

'I don't wanna go,' he whined as he pulled away, 'but I know I have to ... Leaving ya here is gonna be real shit ... We're gonna be seeing some amazing places and meeting some crazy people ... I wish you could be there to share that with me ...' His gaze seemed a million miles away. '... It's gonna hurt, too, when I walk off that stage, only to know ya won't be there waiting for me ... That breaks my heart, honey.' He almost whispered the last of his words.

Suddenly, there was sadness in his blue eyes. I sat and watched as they rimmed with tears, my eyes following suit. I hated seeing sorrow in those eyes of his, it was all wrong. They were made for smiles and laughter, not weeping and sadness. It touched me the way he showed emotion at times like that. He wasn't playing a part, he wasn't trying to impress, he was hurting, and he didn't care if it showed.

Within the hour it dawned on us we only had a limited time left together. Lord, he almost panicked. It was awful for him really. There he was, all gutted about leaving his wife behind but, at the same time, he couldn't wait to be out there living his dream. He'd been waiting so long, and it was the ultimate tour for the whole band. If they could pack all the dates booked, they could happily retire. Also, pulling this off would prove, once and for all, they'd finally made it, and big.

I watched as he rechecked the clothes I'd packed for him that morning, and which he'd checked twice already. As he noticed, nothing had changed. He walked back into the den running his hands up his face and over his head. I watched as he poured two Jacks and wandered over with the glasses.

'Our last nightcap together for a while, honey ... Cheers ...'

He passed me a glass as he took a sip from his, and walked to the den window.

'Cheers, baby, here's to a fabulous tour ... Enjoy ...' I raised my glass to his back and took a sip.

He was very quiet all of a sudden, and not so excited.

'You okay, honey? Getting nervous? Can't stand the thought of living without me?' I giggled.

'Waiting on the day I can get me some damn peace and quiet, more like,' he chuckled.

I stood and walked over to him, my hand coming to rest around his waist, my head leant against his shoulder.

'You should crash, sweetie ... Plane leaves in about, ooh, nine hours ... You got about six before your driver gets here ... It's going to be a long day for you ...'

My arm squeezed him to me, as his came down to rest around my shoulders.

'I know what ya saying, honey, I just didn't want this to end yet ... Sooner I sleep, sooner I leave, and I ain't in no rush to be away from you ...'

He pulled me into his side and kissed the top of my head. '... Wow, our longest time apart ... Hell, you better miss me, woman,' he whispered.

The love that comes with parting, is long, slow love. You breathe it, you taste it, you hear it and you give yourself to it. It is whispers, moans, caresses and soft kisses. It is fingertips touching, it is lips brushing, and it is oaths sworn and fears forgotten. It carries you, bathes you, and drives away all your inner pains. It holds you, squeezes you, and it teases you, and when it's done, it's the afterglow in the darkness, it's the tingles down your spine, and it's the cloud that you've become.

The moment he was in me I knew I was doomed. He knew the spot, found it and used it. I crashed a million times in his arms as the wash fed heat through my body. Not one millimetre was unaffected by his possession. He took, and I gave, it was a night of memories that would be all we had for a while. The prospect of being without him dawned on me as we lay in each other's arms, connected at the core. The sorrow must have shown in my face. I remember Max kissing tears from my cheeks.

The climax was long and hard, and he watched me all the way. I was right in the moment with him and at the very same time. My back arched, giving all I could and making memories. I could feel him, alive, whole, in my arms. The emotion boiled up and spilled out, a tear trickled from an eye. Max smiled, slowly, as we rode the tide that lingers afterwards.

Every Time You Go

The alarm woke me at stupid o'clock and I knew it was early because it was still dark. Max was already up and doing, cases and hand luggage ready to go, silently awaiting their departure. I could hear him moving around in the kitchen as I lay starfish. A slip of light ran the hall beyond the door, making me feel very lonely all of a sudden.

Jumping from the bed, I threw on my robe, then hurried out to where he was stood, drinking his coffee. Walking over to him, I slid my arms around his waist and pulled him to me.

'... I love you so much, and I'm gonna miss you like you'd never believe ... I promise, I'll come and see you as soon, and as often, as I can ... I wish I was going too, I really do ...'

Tears ran my cheek as I felt his arms wrap around me and pull me to him.

'I'll be home soon, honey,' he whispered into my hair. 'I love you very much too, it's killing me that ya ain't gonna be there ... I need ya every day, I'll be lost without ya ... And who's gonna nag me about leaving the jon lid up?' he chuckled.

I felt him kiss the back of my neck through my hair, and my tears flowed.

Deciding to get dressed and go to the airport with him allowed us more precious time together, before parting for God knows how long. I could say goodbye to all of them then, and wish them luck, not that they needed it.

Max was very quiet in the car. I asked questions, but got one word answers, so I gave up in the end and hugged him instead. He liked that better and we chatted when our lips weren't touching. His arm pulled me tight to him all the way there. How was I going to cope without that simple action?

Walking through the airport to the VIP lounge, he was much the same. All the girlfriends sat, patiently waiting, even Chels. She looked amazing. With her rosy cheeks and bright eyes, glowing she was. The bump was showing and I laughed when she turned sideways and smiled at me. I had to hug and kiss it hello, there was a little them in there. We laughed about a womb size version of Stevie and how scary that would be. He caught the arse end of the conversation but didn't get it, which made us girls laugh even more.

Stevie was his usual happy self, but then he would be, he was going on tour and could well be a Daddy as it ended. Jake and Dan where happy, Cotton and Sandy were joining them for the trip of a lifetime, lucky cows. Joey and Hatch were sat at the bar, necking beers, but had already been over for their hugs and kisses. They couldn't wait to get back on the road again. It was just one big playground for them two, the horrors.

Sadly, Chels and I were the only two not going. Chels didn't mind so much, her parents where coming up to stay with her for the duration. Her Mother wouldn't let her be alone, not for that long in her condition. Stevie welcomed them with open arms. He hated the thought of her being alone at a time like that. What if something happened?

I promised I'd get over at some point so she could show me the nursery that Stevie had decorated. She was very impressed with the bunnies hand painted on the wall. Apparently, he'd used my overhead projector to great effect.

Their flight number being called reduced me to a crying heap. All the kisses and all the hugs you can have in a matter of minutes are never enough. I whispered, I held, and I didn't want to let go. I already missed his face and smile as he tried to kiss away my sadness, my tears still dripping from my chin. Touches, quietly declared promises, thumbs and fingertips to lips, they were all that our time would allow.

'Now,' he whispered, 'be good, and try not to miss me too much ... I love you, honey, more than you know ... Don't forget that ...'

His lips were against my cheek as I crushed him to me.

'... I love you too, don't you forget that, either ...' I attempted a smile through my tears. '... I'll miss you so much ...' I sniffed.

I stood and watched him go, biting my lip and trying to be brave. I confess, I was crap at it.

In slow motion he moved away from me, jacket over his shoulder and his hand waving once, before he disappeared around a corner. With that, my hands came up to my face, and I bawled like a baby.

Chelsea sniffed back tears as she waddled over. 'Jesus, I forget how hard that part is.'

I composed myself and turned to her. 'Chels, I hate it ... Never again ...'

'What?' she asked, as I looked at the boarding gate.

'I have to follow, I have to ... I can't do this ...' I looked at her and grinned, tears sat on my cheek. 'By hook or by crook, Chels ... I'm bloody going ...'

I walked from the airport a damn sight happier than I was when I first entered. I needed to get home and sort some shit out. I'd decided. I was going on tour.

It was awful when the driver dropped me off at home just after midday. Walking back into that place without Max was all wrong. I was haunted by echoes of him everywhere. A moving shadow in my peripheral vision, there, but not there. The first thing I saw was his discarded mug left on the counter.

The silence took me on a journey into the games room to find our glasses from the night before. Mine sat half full and his empty, as usual. I rolled the solitary ball along the edge of the table and smiled at the memory of shagging on one within hours of getting hitched to Max. The ball dropped off the edge and into the corner pocket. I recalled my panties being stuffed down one of those, too. I picked up my glass, finished my abandoned flat drink, and glanced over at the portrait of the man I adored.

Wandering into the bedroom, I pulled open the floor length curtains and the vertical blinds. Max's clothes, from the night before, were in their usual piles down his side of the bed. I laughed at the rush he'd been in to go, like a teenager going on his first date. He'd made sure he looked as cool as fuck, the right sunglasses, the right jacket, the right attitude.

I breathed in the scent of his discarded sweatshirt and felt the missing him to the core of me. I slid off my patrol jacket and put it on, pulling the front up to smell it again. Sitting on the edge of the bed, I placed my face against his pillow and closed my eyes. Man, how I wished it was still warm.

The silence was too much. I returned to the den and rummaged through all the DVDs until I found the one from our Wedding. I fed it to the machine and flicked the TV on. Eventually we appeared on a channel and I sat on the couch with the sound up.

The part when we stood there and said _I do_ I watched a thousand times. I repeatedly watched the speeches, the cake cutting, and the first dance. I laughed, cried, and then watched it all again. It was as near to him as I could get. I would've done anything to hear his voice through the door, and not feel so lonely. Watching it helped a hell of a lot in those first twenty-four hours without him. I couldn't sleep alone so I got wasted on spliffs and drinking Jack. As the dawn came through the den window I was watching Chelsea's birthday movie. To see him sitting on that stage, singing, it was heaven.

After a session of that, I watched every family occasion film and flicked through every photo album we had. I remembered he'd promised never to leave me again. It made me cry as I sat looking at the photos I'd taken at the last night in Calgary. A big, sad sigh escaped me as I dropped the photos to the floor, I was alone again.

It took bloody weeks to find help with Big Boy, rearrange work, which was a nightmare, and move deadlines. I did manage to close two deals for Craig though, which he was rather happy about, and promised I could go. He'd emailed me the details of the project he'd mentioned. Shay Blane was putting a bloody book together. It turned out to be a collection of photos he'd taken in the last ten years.

Craig confessed he was quite taken with the long legged lovely sat on a chair in her basque and stockings, sultry look on her face. Presented in black and white, he said it was rather fetching. Sadly, he realised it was me when he noticed the tattoo on the model's shoulder. A bit of a giveaway, I suppose.

I told him I wasn't interested in the job anyway, he'd presumed I wouldn't be and had already declined the work. He told me to take my laptop and phone if I was going, even though I was on a jolly I still had work to do. Well, it was better than not going at all, so, that was that sorted, at least.

Next, the deadlines on the graphic jobs I had left to finish. One, I did managed to complete in the time I was at home, the other worked out to be later in the year anyway. It was a Christmas Campaign for education youngsters regarding underage births. Don't ask.

Finally, there was Big Boy. I didn't realise they didn't do big boarding kennels for horses. Don't get me wrong, I love him to bits, but it's like having a huge Labrador and, boy, what a problem when you want to go away for a while. In the end, and after two weeks of no joy, I resigned myself to not going and rang Chels in tears when I realised I wouldn't be.

'Arh, honey, don't cry, there's always a solution, and I got yours right here ... I'll send Randy over later to get him, would that help? ... Ya stupid horse can come stay here awhile ... They're all going out now, anyway, so he won't be cooped up all the time.' She sniggered, 'Free range, here, girl, you know that ...'

And that solved that little problem. The panic was over in as many seconds as it took to grow. I whooped my way around the games room, took the portrait of Max off the wall, then gave it a big kiss. Hugging it, I walked back to the den and sat it on a stool. Leaning it against the counter, and refilling my Jack glass, I walked over and raised it to the laughing face I'd captured on canvas.

'Here's to us, darling ... Cheers, and see you soon ...'

With one movement, the glass was emptied, and I was on my way to the bedroom to pack for my next adventure.

I loved to talk to Max while he was still hazy with sleep. His voice would be early morning deep and as sexy as hell. I could visualise him, naked, under the sheets, warm and firm.

'Morning, baby, I love you and miss you, and I wish I was there, kissing you, right now ... Mmm, are you naked?' I purred down the line.

'Mmm, morning sexy, yeah, I'm naked, and I'm needing ya here something bad, it's so hard,' he chuckled, 'literally ... Urgh, and I've just realised, I'm suffering the bitch queen hangover from hell ... Christ, woman, moving hurts.' I could hear him shifting his position. 'Damn, it's daylight ... What's the time? ... Arh, jeez,' he sounded rough as hell, 'it's 8:40 ... I only been in bed a couple of hours ... Holy shit ...'

'I thought you'd be overjoyed at the sound of my dulcet tones, baby,' I laughed. 'Do you have any idea where you are now, and what the plan is for your day?' I asked.

I was lying in our lonely bed as we talked. Running my left hand over his empty space I tried to imagine him occupying it, a mess of curls head resting on the pillow.

'Mmm, sounds like we finally landed in Dallas ... I think we're on some God awful live chat show tonight, honey ... Don't know what else, yet ...'

He sounded a bit more with it as the seconds ticked by. Wow, what I would have given to be in his arms at that precise moment in time. Closing my eyes, I could see his features before me.

'... How many nights are you there? ... I can't remember, one or two, or is it more than that?'

I was trailing my knuckles over his pillow and inhaling the aftershave I could smell on the sheets, my attention all on him. For those few moments, as he chatted, he could have been in that bed with me. Only when I opened them again did the dream dissolve.

'... We're here for two nights in total, playing one night only, which is tomorrow ... We have the TV appearance later, and lastly will be the Party Night after the gig, the evening before we head to New Orleans ... There's still a long way to go I'm afraid, sugar, and the longest roads are yet to be travelled ... So,' he cleared his throat, 'when ya coming down to see me then, I'm getting real lonely for ya? ... I know it ain't the easiest thing for ya to do, and ya can't always drop work, but, I need to see ya, real bad ... Please meet me in New Orleans ... I gotta be with ya, even if it's only for a few days ... Please say you'll come down ...'

His voice suddenly felt that thousand miles away and not in the bed beside me. I rolled onto my back as a tear trickled from my left eye.

'Okay, Max,' I smiled into the dark, 'I'll meet you in New Orleans, in five days time ... And you better be there, waiting for me ...'

'Baby, ya don't know how happy ya just made me ... I love ya, and thank ya for that, it's been hell sleeping without curling up around ya ... I can't wait ...' He huffed out a quiet laugh. 'We're gonna have an awesome time, however long we get ... I'll make sure of that ...'

'Well, you can show me how happy you are when I finally get there, preferably in a hot shower,' I giggled.

'Ya got yaself a date there, Misses Manley,' he whispered down the line.

Sounding relieved, he told me to ring Joey when I landed. He'd be collecting me from the airport and responsible for getting me to where Max was. In the meantime, I'd come up with a better plan.

I rang Stevie to set it in motion. Keeping it just between us, I confirmed that I'd be flying down to Dallas within the next twenty-four hours. Giving Stevie my expected ETA, I left it to him to arrange my collection from the airport. He reckoned he could persuade Joey or Hatch to help us out with our dastardly plot to completely mind-fuck Max.

'Yeah, I'm in, sis ... He's been moping around for God damn weeks ... The sooner ya get ya ass down here, the sooner he'll cheer the fuck up ... God bless ya for saving my sanity, darlin, I truly thank you,' Stevie had chuckled into the line.

Randy had collected Big Boy, or Silver, the previous day. I'd stood and waved them down the meadow track before informing our local security group we'd be away for a while. I'd also rang Winnie for a catch up and to tell her about my forthcoming trip. She'd wished me a safe journey and told me to have a doozey of a time. I kindly asked that she keep her ever watchful eye on the house, to which she replied, she was already. Thanking her, I'd promised I would send postcards from each city. She'd liked that idea and we'd rang off with lots of love and hugs to all.

So, amazingly, I was all set for my trip and excited as hell to see Max.

Miss You

I landed in Dallas on a beautiful summer's day and was greeted by a very happy Joey. As we walked back to the car he explained Ea$y had just kicked off with their opening track and, so far, all was Rock n Roll. While we drove to the venue he moaned about grumpy Max and how he'd suddenly changed after we last spoke.

'I don't know about Max being bloody glad to see ya, I reckon Stevie'll have the biggest bloody grin ... Oh, all ya passes are in there ... Take them, now, while I still think of them ...'

His head nodded towards the glove compartment as we pulled through the security gates into the VIP Area. Doors opened as soon as we flashed that string of plastic pouches in the faces of those that already knew Joey. I also made sure I grabbed my camera, a must under the circumstances to come. I needed to get some photos of that place too, as ever, it was awesome.

We were ushered through the back and along one corridor after another. As we neared the stage the noise grew louder. I could hear Max's voice, it sent shivers up my spine and made my heartbeat quicken.

Hatch was stood at the bottom of the steps watching the comings and goings. When he saw me he beamed and bounced over for a hug. He said they'd only done a couple of songs from the new album, so far, which were keeping the crowd on their toes.

We caught up quickly and joked about the results me turning up like that might have. I laughed and said Max would, most likely, run for stage left instead. Hatch thought maybe he might have a vapour lock and keel over. I told him that sounded about right. I fly over a thousand miles only to have him croak on stage. We both laughed but prayed he wouldn't all the same. They'd just finished singing _We're Done_ when I heard Max talking to the crowd.

'Right, okay ... Now for a song I wrote for my wife, who I'm missing real bad, if ya know what I mean!'

There was a loud roar, a mixture of _arh_ and _whoa_ as the guitars started to chime in.

'... It's called ... You Should Know ... Thank you ...'

The crowd went wild.

Joey and Hatch fell quiet as I turned and climbed the steps to the rear of the stage. Everybody in the lounge area, who knew who I was, also knew Max wasn't expecting me, as yet. He'd told everybody I was meeting him in New Orleans. He'd told Hatch eight times alone.

Max crooned lyrics about how he needed and wanted me with him. How he'd always be by my side and how nothing would take away his love for me. His life had meant little before he'd met me, and he'd realised it was me that made his life complete. As he reached the second verse, I slowly walked along the edge of the stage and stood facing him, side on.

Jake saw me first and nodded my appearance to Stevie on passing. Stevie looked over with a smile plastered across him chops. He went back to his head-banging in his cowboy hat and waited for Max to see me.

When Dan twigged, he grinned over his kit and nodded at Max. I smiled back and walked to a brighter part where I watched and listened. He still hadn't seen me. In the end, as they were playing the final few bars, Stevie bounced over and gave him the nod.

Max couldn't work out what Stevie meant until he shouted, '... TEE-BIRD, OVER THERE, LOOK ...'

Again, his head nodded in my direction. I had my camera ready, and focused, as Max's face came round to look over, and the last few bars rung out. As he realised, I clicked. Perfect.

His eyes widened, his gorgeous smile grew, and he was across that stage and in my arms without a minute lost. His guitar hung between us as he crushed me to him. We didn't even feel it there.

'Jesus, fuck, man, ya done it again ... Wow, what a mind-fuck ...'

As he laughed, his features came alive with excitement.

'I've missed ya so God damn much, it's real good to see ya, honey ...'

And with that, he looked down at me, smiled, and pulled me into a kiss that I had been thirsting for, every day, since he left. God, he felt so good.

'I've missed you so much, I ...'

I paused merely to look up at his gorgeous face glancing down at me.

'... Hello, you ... How you doing?' I smiled up at him, as he kissed my eyelids and cheeks.

Tears were sat in his eyes when he pulled away, then smiled, 'I'm a damn sight happier for seeing you ... Don't ya dare move, you stay right there ...'

He walked back out on stage and finished the night with the most electrifying gig I'd ever witnessed.

In the following weeks we did, indeed, live the dream. It was the most amazing experience of my life. I saw views that blew my mind, sunrises that made me cry, laughter, tears of joy, and a whole collection of memories trapped forever on my laptop. Hundreds of photos were taken of the world around me. Everywhere we went there was another wonder to behold. From the thirty foot woven straw man, who stood in the middle of his field, miles from anywhere, to the living and breathing pink and white cows we saw just outside Memphis.

We had love on another level every second we touched. He was my best friend, my lover, and so entertaining to be around. He and Stevie, all the lads, the crew and the girlfriends were great to be with, and we all connected in some way on that trip.

I even had a chance to talk with Dan about the New Year. He'd approached me, actually, and apologised about sticking his nose in. He was worried when he saw me alone and then, well, seeing me with Shay. I said I understood his loyalties lay with Max, really, who the hell was I anyway. At the end of the day he didn't know me at all, did he? He'd commented that maybe the tour would give us the chance to remedy that and I agreed, wholeheartedly. After that, we spent many a night wasted with the others, after his girly and Max had crashed. In the end though, it was only ever Stevie, Joey and me left, so it was nice to know that, sometimes, something's never changed.

By what I could gather we'd just touched down in Kansas City, parking up in the coach area of the stadium. It was the early hours as I sat in silence, watching the mobile town appear around us in the dark. Max was sleeping, at long last.

I watched a whole other world pull up alongside, lights just visible in a couple of the trailers. Drivers walked out onto the tarmac, hands to their backs, as they attempted to regain the feeling in their arses again, Joey and Hatch amongst them.

From nowhere, Stevie burst from his trailer and ran into the car park shouting. To begin with, I thought he was just pissed and acting an arse, but something changed. Dressed in jeans, with no t-shirt and nothing on his feet, I just about caught something he said about Chelsea. I hurried to the bedroom for my robe and shook Max's foot.

'Quick, sweetie, something's wrong ... Stevie's tripping in the car park ... Get up ... Hurry ...'

Leaving him to it, I hurried out the trailer door. Stevie was, by then, turning in circles rubbing his hands over his head.

'... I gotta get back ... NOW ...' he shouted.

'Stevie, what's happened, tell me? ... Is it Chels?'

I was stood in front of him trying to get a response, but he was in such a panic I'm not sure he could even see me.

'... Shit, I gotta get home ... She needs me ...'

He was looking around for a driver and caught Joey's attention with a shout.

'Stevie, talk to me ... What's wrong?... Stevie?'

My worry grew as his panic rose. Suddenly Max appeared, in just his jeans, and ambled over. I'd got a small crowd watching me trying to get Stevie to say what was wrong.

'Jesus, there ya are,' Stevie turned to Max. '... It's started ... The babies coming, early ... I gotta go ... Like now,' was all he needed to say.

The whole place heard those words and everybody jumped into action. Max dragged Stevie off to get dressed, while Joey sorted a vehicle to take him to the Airport. I made sure he had all his travel crap and stood to watch the two brothers as they walked to the waiting car. They chatted briefly then hugged in a way that made me well-up. The love in Max's eyes, as he touched his older sibling's face, it was so bright.

Stevie climbed into the front of the car and there was a loud applause as they drove off. Max stood to watch the car leave, wiping tears away with the heels of his hands. I ambled over and intertwined my fingers in his. He didn't move or say a word, stood, watching that car out of sight. Once gone, he let them go, turned, and walked quietly back to our trailer.

Hatch saw me standing there, alone, and wandered over.

'... Hey ... Is Max alright? ... Thought he'd be a bit happier than that ...!'

We watched as Max closed the door behind him. Well, actually, he slammed it, quite loudly too.

'... Arh ... Long story, sweetie ... But, yeah, he's okay,' I half smiled, squeezing his arm gently, before turning to follow Max.

Stevie was gone less than forty-eight hours when we got his call from the Hospital. Talking so fast that I couldn't understand him, I passed the phone over to the new Uncle. From what I could hear, they had a beautiful boy who weighed in at 6lb, 4oz's. Early or not, he was still perfect, down to fingers and toes, and was, as they spoke, in the arms of Granma Beth, whilst she cooed over her first Grandchild. Momma was perfectly wonderful, if a little tired, and Daddy was there to hold Momma's hand through the whole thing.

Stevie was as happy as a crazy coot and had gone into protector mode saying he would be back as soon as he felt comfortable leaving them both. He had to make sure Chelsea was settled and happy before returning to the tour. Since both Mothers had appeared the burden had lifted a little, and he didn't feel quite so helpless, their presence alone dispelling several of his major fears.

For the nights Stevie wasn't there, the young lad from ReHab did his best to fill Stevie's bass shoes, bless him. For a guy aged only twenty-one, he knew most of the Ea$y tracks by heart, which helped, and he was over the moon to be asked. When I saw him backstage, after, he laughed and said, 'Shit, I just played, on stage, with Ea$y ... Wow, that's so fucking awesome, man ...'

Stevie met up with us in Minneapolis and brought photos of Chelsea, him, Beth and Chelsea's parents, all doting over the little prune like bundle. He told us all about the birth, how long it had taken, and how loud and insulting Chelsea had gotten towards the end.

I had to laugh when he aired his concerns for his fingers. At one point, he said, she'd squeezed so hard he thought, maybe, they were going to pop off, one at a time. Even after all that cussing, and all that pain, he was as proud as any new Daddy as he beamed his sons name at Max and me.

'We're gonna call him Jackson, Reo, Manley, Jack or J.R. for short ...'

It was lovely having him back in the fold, everyone had missed him, me more than most.

Breaking a Heart

Things were great all the way to Chicago. Max and I loved what time we had together, but I'd started to notice the change in him over the weeks that followed. It was funny how it started shortly after Stevie got back, then slowly got worse. The more Stevie talked about JR, the moodier Max got. I'd seen him walk off when Stevie started his next spurt of pride. He'd listened for the first few times, but something made him turn away after a while. He'd heard enough.

I'm not stupid. I knew straight away what it was. It left me feeling alone and blocked out from Max. I was with him, but not really there. He became distant and wasn't as affectionate as usual. I found him crashing, earlier and earlier. He didn't want to party, he was too tired for late night loving, and the rejections hurt me, very deeply. I walked away, many a time, to leave him alone, and spend another night, by myself, under the stars, remembering the child that nearly was.

The sadness and tears were washed away with the beers that carried me towards another lonely dawn. To be so in love and so alone was a place I hated being in. Stevie noticed and approached me about it. I'd buffed him off saying Max was getting tired of life on the bus. He suggested a night in a hotel, and I said I could dream on.

I could feel where Max was, I was there too. He didn't have to tell me, I saw it in him, and I tried to talk to him, which made things even more unbearable in a confined space. I'd seen and felt enough. I was getting sick of waking up in bed, alone, and he wasn't there when I needed him.

Max had crashed through song after song, his attitude ruling the night. He'd yelled lyrics and thrashed out power chords. Evil smile and eyebrows down, his ego had gripped the throng. He even washed his mouth out then spat it over the crowd, they'd loved it. It was good to see he had motivation enough for that, because everything else was turning to crap.

As I remember, the VIP party was held in a club called 'Hanger-Z'. It was three stories high and full of the usual rich kids all looking to grope a celebrity for the night. A huge gang of us had appeared and walked straight in, no waiting, no fussing, just drinking and dancing. We took up most of the lounge on the first floor, security sat in every corner, and no cameras were to be seen anywhere. We had our own bar, and staff, and were treated with so much respect I felt like royalty.

As soon as we got there the drinks flowed like water. I moved from table to table, chatting with Hatch, Sandy and some of the tech heads. Jake and his chick were smooching in a dark corner someplace, and Dan was sat with a bunch of the crew, talking about ideas for the next pyrotechnics show.

I watched as Max, sat, slamming back Tequila at the bar with Joey and Billy, the drummer from ReHab. Repeatedly they tipped their heads back, time and again.

Stevie saw me and joined me as a spectator in the wings.

'You thinking what I'm thinking?' he asked, as he leant against a column by the balcony that overlooked the dance floor.

'Depends on what you're thinking, doesn't it, Stevie?'

I didn't take my eyes off Max, as he sat banging back the lined up shots.

'I'm thinking, he's on a bender ... Most definitely,' Stevie replied, standing with his arms crossed, keeping his younger sibling held in his cold gaze.

'I think you might be right there ... Here we go then ... See you on the other side ...' I raised my glass towards Max and chugged down the rest of my drink. '... Why should he have all the fun? ... If you can't beat them and all that, aye, Stevie ...'

I huffed out a laugh and walked to the end of the bar, for yet another double Jack over ice. I achieved what I set out to do. I got absolutely shitfaced.

Hatch couldn't watch me anymore, so he marched me down the stairs and outback for some fresh air. Fatal. As soon as I felt it hit my lunges, all the liquid I had rapidly consumed, suddenly, wanted out. He'd laughed his arse off as I splashed up mega bucks worth of booze. He'd lit a spliff and passed it to me, as I retched for the last time, spitting, then wiping the residue from my lips. It's amazing how spewing sobers you up a little.

Back inside, I slowed down some and sat with the girls to chat for a bit. I couldn't see Max, anywhere, so wandered over to see if Stevie had seen him. He said something about the dance floor, so I headed for the balcony with my club soda and lime.

Joey was stood, with a few techs heads and roadies, laughing while he watched something happening down below. As I approached, one of them noticed me coming and nudged Joey in the ribs. He turned as the laughter stopped.

As I got nearer, they parted, and a few of them even sloped off. With a quizzical look on my face, I glanced over and down in the direction that had held all their attentions only moments before.

Sweet home Alabama, I thought something was in the wind that night, and I was so right. Max was sandwiched between two chicks, who were nearly naked except for what they'd loosely call halter tops and shorts. A blonde was crushed up to the front of him, him gyrating his hips against hers, as the brunette, behind, did the same, up and down his back. Great.

Stevie must have seen my face change as I turned, walked over to the nearest table, and slammed my glass down on the wooden top. A few heads turned as I pulled off my jacket and reminded myself why I was there. Hatch was the first to move towards Stevie and give him the nod. They knew what was about to happen.

I dodged through a gang of people to reach the stairs and bounced down them with Stevie and Hatch in hot pursuit. Pushing through the crowd, I eventually come up behind Max and his little groupies.

Stevie and Hatch nearly saved the brunette, but not quite. As Stevie shouted at Max to watch out, I placed my hand on her shoulder and turned her round. Max's head moved just in time for him to see me smile at her, my right fist already deployed, coming up, instantly, to collide with her perfectly foundationed cheek.

The slow motion reaction was priceless. Her eyes grew huge as she realised she was going down, and shut as she crashed against the bloke behind her. Blood splattered across the floor as her face impacted against the hard surface, the inside of her cheek ripped open between her own perfect teeth. The last things she most probably saw, as she went down, were my fired up eyes and my overly sweet smile.

Knowing it was going to kick-off big time, any second, Stevie's arms came around me and dragged me towards the door. Joey quickly escorted Max as Hatch cleared the way for our escape, the Press their biggest fear. When we burst out onto the sidewalk, I flipped out.

Max wasn't sure what had just happened and was sobering up as I swore and ranted in the road. He made some bloody stupid comment about me drinking too much and I flew at him. I nearly got a punch in, but Hatch grabbed me as I tried to dodge passed. Max was getting vexed and shouting at me about being a pain in the arse. I yanked myself away from Hatch and almost slapped Max in the face, but he grabbed my wrist and pushed me away.

Pointing his finger at me, trying to focus, he hollered, 'YA ARE ONE CRAZY BITCH, ya know that? ... Ya do my head in ... Get her the fuck away from me ... NOW ...'

His face contorted into a mean looking son-of-a-bitch as I recoiled. The tears filled my eyes as I turned and walked off down the road. Hatch followed me a little way but stopped when Max shouted for him to go back. I glanced over my shoulder, once, at Stevie and Joey, then rammed my hands into my front pockets and headed for the bar across the street.

'YEAH,' I shouted, 'WHATEVER ... ARSEHOLE ... AND I'M NOT ANNA-LEE ...'

I'd just made it to the other side when I heard the sound of boots pounding tarmac behind me. I turned to see Max heading towards me, with the lads trying to stop him, and a look on his face that suggested he was beyond talking.

Seems he wanted to kick-off and, by the looks of it, he didn't give a shit who was watching. I don't know how but, suddenly, I grew the biggest balls I'd ever experienced, and stopped dead as the anger broke from me.

'... COME ON THEN, BIG MAN ... BRING IT ON,' I barked, as I walked back towards him, my face screwed up into a mask of bitter frustration.'... If that's what you want ... YOU GOT IT ...'

He came to a halt.

With a calmer, quieter voice, and my fingers drawing him into a fight, I continued.

'... I can give as good as I bloody get ... What you got then?' I stood my ground. 'If you got something to say, FUCKING SAY IT ... Because I'm sick of this bullshit, Max ... Come on, Rock Star, be a man about it ...'

I'd taken off my hoodie and chucked it to the ground getting ready to swing a few if need be. There'd been enough excuses made for the way he'd been treating me for way too long. Again, it was all about Max. I looked up at the change in his eyes. Suddenly he was very quiet.

'... I'm sorry we lost our baby, and I know you blame me, but I can't bring him back, and I can't change time either, Max ... I'm so sorry, I wish I could, but I can't ... This is killing me too ... But you don't see that, not when you can't even see me ...'

His gaze dropped to the ground.

'... See ... You can't even stand to look at me now ...'

I turned to walk away.

'... Fuck this ... And fuck you ...'

His eyes followed me, his sadness hitting a new low, as he called, 'Why didn't ya say anything sooner, honey?'

He was stood in the road with his hands on his hips as Stevie, Joey and Hatch started to look a little more than uncomfortable. I stopped and turned towards him, my eyes coming to settle on a face that looked devastated.

'... I tried, but you didn't want to hear it, Max ... You were always too busy being somewhere else, doing something else ... Even more so since Jack arrived ...'

A tear ran my cheek and dripped from my chin. He went to move towards me.

'... No, don't, just don't,' I whispered, holding a hand up in front of me to stop him getting any nearer. '... Let me be alone, Max ... Not now ... Please ...'

I turned, leaving them all standing in the street, and walked into the bar behind me. The only person that followed in the end was Hatch. He wandered over with my hoodie as the barman placed my beer on the counter in front of me.

'Well,' he chuckled, 'that was all a bit live action ... You ain't in a good place, are ya? Now I get Max's reaction to Stevie's kid ...'

He sat on the stool next to me as he spoke.

'Hatch, please, I'm sorry you heard it like that, but life's hard enough, as it is, without this bullshit going on behind the scenes ... I hurt too but he just doesn't see that ... Whether he can't, or just doesn't want to, I don't know but, I do know one thing, I'm not doing this anymore ... I think I should go home, and sooner the better ...'

I wiped the tears from my face as I peeled the soggy label from my bottle.

'Unconditional love ... Ain't it a kick in the nuts sometimes ... Tee, don't give up ...'

I turned my face towards him as he smiled, 'I've watched you two for a while now and, I must admit, I ain't seen many people as happy as you two can be ... Max is so wrapped up in you he forgets the world sometimes, and you, well, you just seem to live and breathe that bloke ... A few words of advice from a friend ...'

He wasn't smiling anymore.

'... Don't walk away if ya don't mean it, coz if ya do, you'll never get it back the same, ever again ... Make sure ya doing the right thing first, aye? I know from experience, and I've regretted it every day of my life since ... If ya love him, Tee, tell him, hold on with all ya worth, and don't ever, ever, have my regrets ... Please ...'

As his hand came up to rest, gently, against my cheek, he smiled. My eyes slowly filled with tears as I smiled back. I realised he was probably right.

I didn't go back to the trailer that night. Hatch thought it might be a better idea to have a bit of time apart. After we sat and talked a while, Stevie reappeared to see if I was okay. Max had sobered up some and was sat in the nightclub looking pretty rejected.

My comment was, 'He started this shit so he'll have to deal with it, won't he?'

Stevie left after a beer to tell Max I wouldn't be going back with them. When he'd pulled a face at the prospect of being the one to explain my resolve. I'd said I'd gladly go and do it, if he wanted. Hatch thought, under the circumstances, that probably wasn't a good idea. He'd seen me throw one too many fists that night and didn't relish the thought of it kicking off again.

I did see Dan as we were leaving. He ran over with a rather stressed look on his face. Max had gone ballistic in the club after Stevie went back alone. I wasn't surprised when he'd said it had taken Stevie and Joey, plus two other guys, to stop Max from coming over to drag me back. Being told I wouldn't be with him for the night was not something Max was expecting to hear. Eventually, Joey and Stevie had taken him back to the tour bus with the promise that Hatch would stay with me. There was no way he'd have gone otherwise. He was shitting himself thinking I'd go back home and leave him to finish the tour, alone. Another thing that wasn't on his agenda.

We stayed in the Best Western near O'Hare Airport and, I must say, I was very tempted. I think, if Hatch hadn't have been in the next room, I would have jumped the next plane out. Everything I needed was in my handbag and, let's face it, I was already travelling light. I lay in bed that night and thought about it for a while, but I couldn't drop Hatch in the shit, not like that. He was my guyfriend and I hated the thought of Max or the Chief giving him crap because of me buggering off.

Deciding to go back to Max wasn't a hard decision to make, I knew I would. We needed to talk about the 'what the fucks', but I had to make sure he was sober when we touched on such a delicate subject. I hated myself for a lot of things and I'd not even explained half my life to Max. I knew this wasn't just about us and the lost child, it had gone far deeper than that.

The last thought I had before I drifted into a heated sleep was, 'Sweet Jesus, please, don't let me turn into another bloody Anna-Lee ...'

Bagels and Bacon

Hatch woke me up at stupid o'clock with a wonderful breakfast in bed. I was going to sit at the table in the window and watch the world go by but he insisted I had it lazy bast'd style. I sat and munched my way through toasted bagels and streaky bacon while he talked about the family he missed back home in London.

Breakfast was done and I was showered and ready by 8:30 a.m. We had to get back, pronto, we were shipping out and Hatch had shit to pack, he was also our relief bus driver, too. Joey rang him as we left the lobby to wait for the car that was collecting us. As we walked into the lovely sunlight it pulled up with Joey in the driver's seat.

'Hurry up, it's all ready to roll,' he shouted out the window.

I smiled at Hatch, raising my eyebrows as I rubbed my hands together. 'Well then, here we go, scream if ya wanna go faster, aye, mate ...'

He was laughing as he held the door open for me. He knew exactly what I meant. This was going to be very exciting, the next leg of the tour on top of dealing with Max. I had no idea what to expect in the next hour or so, it made me giggle throughout the journey back. Then I clapped eyes on the trailer park. It was empty.

Joey drove us through the area that had, up until he'd left to get us forty minutes or so ago, been a town on wheels.

'... Fuckin bast'ds ...' he bitched, as we squealed to a halt where the catering crew had been housed.
He climbed from the car to walk the space, looking around him as if his whole house had been stolen, bricks, tiles, plasterboard, the lot.

'YOU BAST'DS ...' he shouted again as he kicked at the ground and flapped his arms about.

I was sat in the car, laughing my arse off. All that turmoil over talking to Max and when it came to it, he wasn't even there. I found that highly hilarious.

Hatch didn't. He was worried about his job. I told him I'd sort it out and that he shouldn't worry. It'd be okay, Max was just being a shit because he could be.

I rang Stevie to see how far they'd got. They were both sat in Stevie's bus, at the time, and I laughed as Stevie asked Max where I was. Max mumbled something about me being in his one. I told Stevie I was stood on empty tarmac back in Chicago and then the line went dead. Oops!

Joey calmed down a bit when I said I'd spoken to Stevie. I thought we should drive the road they'd probably taken and eventually we'd catch them up, wasn't that the best idea? They'd have to stop for fuel, at some point, and the Ea$y trailers stood out like beacons in the distance on any road. We'd just pulled out of the gates as my phone rang. It was Stevie.

'... I've spoken to everybody, plus Max and me had a few words ...'

His voice was serious for a change.

'We're pulled over just outside the city on the Fort Wayne highway, ya can't miss the two trailers ... I sent everybody else on their way ... There's no need for the city to stop ... Max and I will wait till ya get here ... I'll see ya in a few, okay ... Bye ...'

Joey spotted them first. We pulled up in the truck stop and parked next to them. Stevie climbed from his trailer and, taking me firmly by the arm, marched me off across the parking lot.

'I need a word with you ...'

His blue eyes were looking ahead of him as we headed for the grass verge. When we stopped I looked up at him.

'Stevie, what's wrong? ... What's happened ...?'

I was worried for him. This wasn't him, this wasn't him at all. He wiped the back of his hand over his mouth. He suddenly looked very tired, his eyes heavily glazed.

'Urh ... Max said something nasty about ya and, well ... I'm afraid I mighta hit him a bit hard ... Sorry ...'

He shook his hand as he looked at me sideways.

'... WHAT ...?' I turned and ran to his trailer.

Throwing the door open, I burst in to find Max laid on the floor between the living and sleeping space, out cold. Ouch! Hurrying over, I crouched down next to him, a sinking feeling making my stomach churn. Tucking my hair behind my ears, I made an attempt to move his face round. There was blood down his cheek, which had dribbled onto the carpet, and a red mark had just started to bloom on his jaw.

Hatch appeared, Joey and Stevie hanging back. He huffed out a laugh with his hands rammed into his combat trouser pockets.

'Ha, your day just keeps on getting better, don't it?' he grinned down at me.

I looked up at the other concerned faces. Stevie was stood by the door, nursing his throbbing hand, as Joey shifted from foot to foot, eyes to the floor. Looking back down at Max, someone had to do something.

I walked to the kitchenette and took a bowl from the shelf. Filling it with cold water, I walked back over to where Max lay. I called his name twice as I kicked his foot. Turning to the guys, I suggested they might want to leave as it might get ugly.

Stevie was first out, he knew what was coming. Joey looked a bit worried, but I said I'd be okay. Hatch was a bit harder to convince. In the end, I had to push him to the door and out into the sunlight saying, if I needed him, he'd be the first I'd screamed for. He said he'd be right outside.

I walked over with the bowl of water and looked down at Max once more. I counted down from five and tipped the water over his head. Wow, what a reaction, he came round alright.

He leapt from the floor, shaking water from his face and neck, whilst bouncing off the walls around him. Finally getting his bearings, he came to a stop, his fist drawing back as he turned to face me.

'Just try it ... I dare you ...'

I stood, defiantly, with my arms crossed looking at his livid, bloody face.

'What the fuck did you say, to Stevie, that was so bad, he felt the need to punch your lights out in his trailer?'

He glared at me as I calmly said my words. Slowly, he dropped his arm as I heard someone open and shut the door behind me. I turned to see Stevie.

'You guys okay?' he asked, quietly.

'We're just about to find out, Stevie ...' I faced Max again. 'Are we okay, here, Max?'

He pushed wet curls over his head with his fingers and then wiped the trail of blood from his face. I threw him the tea towel that was lying on the drainer. He looked at Stevie with a squint and grinned as he placed a hand to his aching jaw.

'Whoa, thanks, bro ... Yeah, we're good,' he said, flatly, from under hard blue eyes. 'Oh, and I told Stevie, if ya had the chance, ya'd fuck off with Shay Blane as soon as I turned my fucking back ... Seems he thought different ...'

I shook my head in disbelief. I wasn't ever going to win with Max and his mental issues. He really had lost the plot. Maybe I should have punched his lights out, just as Stevie had. I don't know why I didn't. I found I was amazed by him, yet again. What the hell was I doing?

'... You know what? ... Again, fuck this and fuck you ... I didn't come all this way to be some form of entertainment for you when your life turns to shit ... Yeah, we lost a baby, Stevie and Chels have just had one, so what, deal with it ... Why won't you just say what you really want to say? Why do you always hide behind something else? Why can't you say the words, Max, why? What are you afraid of?'

Walking away, I plonked down on the couch as Max and Stevie watched me. Suddenly I was tired and just wanted it all to stop. I looked over at Max.

'Honey, if you don't want me here, then just tell me, I'll go, it's not a problem, really ...'

The sadness showed on my face, as a tear ran down my cheek in a bid to escape. I brushed it away as it reached my jaw. Max's hard blue eyes didn't change position from under his brows. There was no smile lifting his lips, then, or a sign of the Max I loved.

Looking at Stevie, trying to smile, I shook my head, saying, 'Sorry, but I have no idea why I'm doing this, Stevie ... He doesn't want this ...'

I stood and walked to the door as Stevie moved to one side.

'... I'm sorry, Max, but whatever it is you need, right now .... It isn't me ...'

I stepped from the trailer and walked over to Hatch and Joey.

'... I'm done, Hatch, we're outta here ... Could you run me to the airport, please? ... I think I'm going home ...'

He looked at me with a sideways glance.

'What? Back to Blighty? That's a bit drastic, Tee, ya sure ya doing the right thing?'

His hand came up to pat me on the head, gently, as he spoke with a quiet chuckled.

'Yep, I'm done ... But not back England, no, back to Calgary, so ... Time to go,' I tutted, removing his hand from my head where it sat.

Sniffing back the end of my silly tears, I walked back over to the car we'd just arrived in. I was saying goodbye to Joey when Stevie emerged from his trailer and walked over to the car. I grinned at him as he stepped to one side and leant against the door. The sun beat down as he removed his baseball cap, running his wrist over his forehead.

'Max is pretty messed up, ain't he?' he winced into the hot wind, as it made dust devils across the field we were stood looking over.

'I know what it's about, Stevie, but I can't help him if he won't say the sodding words ... When he finds the right ones, and admits this is all about the baby, he'll be able to deal with it better, honestly,' I smiled, walking into his arms for a goodbye hug.

'It ain't gonna be the same without ya ... Would ya do the rest of the tour bunking in with me? Anything to make ya stay,' he laughed. 'I'll even let ya have the bed and I'll take the couch.'

He pulled away and looked down at me with a sad face.

'Who's gonna dunk doughnuts and chat shit with me now? Ya sure about this?'

'Thanks for the offer, honey, next time, maybe, and, yes, I'm very sure about this,' I grinned, as Hatch opened the car door for me. 'Tell him, when he finds those elusive words ... I'll listen.'

I kissed his cheek then climbed into the passenger seat. Stevie nodded and mumbled something about how he'd rather I stayed to help keep his sanity for the rest of the tour. Bringing down the window, I smiled up at him.

'Sorry, bro, gotta go ... So, be good and enjoy the rest of your trip ... And try to keep an eye on him for me, please.' I nodded at the trailer Max still occupied. 'I hope, now he's got that off his chest, he'll be a bit easier to live with, you never know ... I'll see you soon ... Love ya ...'

I kissed my fingers and waved as we pulled away from the parking bay. Stevie shouting much the same, as my heart remained in the trailer I was leaving behind.

I found a CD in the glove compartment with loads of heavy rock tracks on it. One was by ReHab and was one of my favourites. The words were about looking for the sun and walking from the darkness into the light. I needed to find something beyond my darkness. Both Max and I were drowning in a sea of shit, but I wasn't going to go down that easily.

Hatch walked in with me, after we spent ages looking for a place to park. I said he could dump me and run because I could be waiting a few hours for a plane. He said he wouldn't leave me till he knew I was safely 'up, up and away', as he put it. He also said he'd drive straight to Washington D.C. and meet everybody there, if he had to.

As it happened, I ended up with only three and a half hours to kill before my departure home, so I sent a reluctant Hatch back to the convoy anyway. He hugged me and kissed my cheek, like a Father would, before patting the top of my head, just for good measure. I knew he wasn't happy about leaving me but, as I explained, I was in the VIP lounge, what could possibly happen, I get on the wrong plane and end up in North Korea? He didn't laugh, but I did.

I watched him out of sight before I settled on a couch with a long Jack and cola. It was pretty quiet so I stretched out and, after kicking my shoes off, settled in for a comfy wait.

Within the hour I heard his bloody voice before I saw him. Max came bustling through the doors with Hatch in tow. I couldn't believe my tired eyes as he stormed over and stopped in front of me. I ran my hands over my face and sighed loudly at the prospect of it erupting before all those strangers.

Hatch had stopped by the bar. As I looked over, he held his hands out, palms up, and said, 'Sorry, I tried to stop him, but he was gonna drive here himself, and he's a little bit pissed ...'

As he spoke, his hand came up to make a drinking movement before his face. I sighed loudly, again, and stood to face the music. Max was scowling as he spoke, hands on his hips, eyes darting all over the show.

'Okay, you were right, I hated ya for a while there, when we lost the baby, but I know it weren't your fault ... At the same time, I'm trying to be as happy as fuck for Stevie and Chels, but, I'm still reeling inside cuz I know we're meant to be in their shoes right now ... And finally, if I let ya walk away from me, well, I'd a bigger pecker-head than everybody already thinks I am ...'

He paused and tried to smile.

'I'm so sorry, and I beg ya to forgive me for being such an asshole ... I don't want ya to go home ... I love ya so much, Tee, don't leave me here alone ... Please, come back with me ...'

Well, he found them and said them, so I listened. That was good enough for me. I was looking down at my hands as he said his little speech. When he'd finished, my eyes moved up to his face.

'... If I ever have to beat girls off you again, Max Manley, you'll never get another change to kiss my girly parts ... Got it?' I whispered.

He grinned sheepishly.

'It'll never happen again, honey, and I promise, if I got anything to say in the future, ya'll be the first to hear about it ... Deal?'

He held his hand out to shake. I took it and squeezed.

'Yep, you have yourself a deal there, mister ...'

The light had come back into his eyes as I looked up at him. I did love him, don't get me wrong but, sometimes, he could be such a bloody cock.

'Arh, bloody hell, kiss and make up, will ya, we got a sodding convoy heading for W.D.C. we gotta catch ... You can do that crap in the bloody trailer on the way there,' Hatch called from across the lounge.

As heads turned in his direction, he grinned over at Max and me, then tapped his watch whilst nodding in the direction of the doors to go.

Things got back to normal quite quickly between us. We spent more time together, alone, talking about our loss and he drank less. We sat and talked most of the way to W.D.C. We found we'd slept on the couch for over nine hours. Stevie had laughed when we'd stopped for a break and walked in to find us still naked, wrapped in blankets. He was glad to see things back to normal, he hated seeing us argue.

Max asked me to do a photo shoot with the lads in a fabulous old whitewashed chapel not far from Weedville (that name still makes me laugh). The place hadn't been used in years and it looked very neglected and alone in its empty landscape. The steeple was see-through in parts were panels had been swept away in the winds that whipped across the barren expanse in which it sat.

The grass, yellow and brittle, whispered as it brushed against the weathered wooden walls. The paint peeled off the huge oak doors from years of hot summers and snow piled winters. It was sad to see that a location of faith was so easily forgotten by its congregation. Such a lovely place that no one went near.

The rest of the miles and gigs sped by. No sooner were we unpacking, it was over and time to leave. Max was fun to be around again, and all our issues seemed resolved. We'd cleared the air and there was a distinct change for the better in us of both.

Suddenly, we all found ourselves on the last night. They'd done over 8000 miles, in just over three months, and conquered over a million hearts in twenty-three cities, eighteen towns, and the numerous TV appearances they'd made along the way. Astounding! The pace never slacked, the quality never dipped, and they played themselves ragged.

I knew it was a good night if Max was exhausted and ringing wet when he came off stage. He never did get how bloody horny he looked. I had my way with him on a couple of occasions, once in the ladies at one place, then in the store cupboard at another. He couldn't get in there quick enough having never thought of it before. He declined, with a laugh, when I suggested the stage after everyone had left.

Prior to the gig, we all stood together in a big circle, arms round each other's shoulders, as Stevie said a prayer. Everybody was included, crew, techs, even the catering guys. We all hugged as Max and the boys got psyched up for, what was to be, the most incredible of tour finales.

Dan did his usual finger curling thing, as Jake bounced around like a rampant rabbit. Stevie paced, stretching his hands and fingers, trying to chill a little before going on. Max, on the other hand, sank a couple to Jack shots, walked over to me stood with Hatch, pulled me to him for his usual good luck kiss, and he was there. That was Max's way of getting hyped. I loved it, two Jacks and a snog.

The New Yorker's reception was heart-warming. I thought Buffalo had gone down a storm but, that night, it really rocked. Max did his usual speech to thank the hordes of people that had worked so hard to make the tour happen. He amazed me when he personally thanked me for all my love and understanding, then blew me a kiss from where he stood.

The encore lasted about twenty minutes and warped the crowds minds. I have never heard so much noise or witnessed such amazing pyrotechnics. I had to put my hands over my ears when they waved and walked to the front of the stage together. Arms fell around shoulders as they all stood and looked at the faces turned up towards them. The adoration rose with the heat off all those bodies and produced a fabulous atmosphere.

They'd done it, and they knew it. I could tell, then, that Max knew they'd reached a point in their careers they may never relive again. That really was a one-off experience. It was then time to look to the future for them all. I wondered if their paths would take them in different directions. So much had changed with that tour. Each of them now saw a myriad of doors suddenly open to them.

I was ecstatic, but sad at the same time. I could see changes in the wind, and some were going to be very hard for Max to except. But then, he still had me, and we were heading in a good direction in life and, let's face it, that's all that really mattered.

So, there we were, life was good and Max was my life. That's all I needed and I realised that. I also knew we'd be facing challenges for a few more years yet to come, but, isn't that what a marriage is all about? As long as I had Max by my side I knew my life was full. We would come to count ourselves lucky in being able to watch J.R. grow and smile the years past knowing that, once, we came so close to achieving a little being for ourselves.

Eventually, Max wasn't haunted so much either, the ghost becoming dispelled by the smiles of an infant. Sure enough, as soon as J.R. saw Max, his little face would illuminate and his chubby hands would reach up for him. I've watched them together, my eyes filling with tears for the child we never met, but my smile always told a different story. Look at me, misty eyed, again, the fool.

Anyway, as ever, we didn't know our fate, but we liked the thought that we had finally come home for good. We had so much to work towards and there was nothing to stop us. At last, we were free to be us again.

Home

'Ha, I knew I'd catch you at it, you sly sod,' I smiled at Max as I walked into the bathroom, a Jack in one hand and a spliff in the other.

The bugger had stolen my hot bath. Not that it mattered, we fitted into it side by side, the bloody thing was so huge.

'Arh, honey, and this is the next best thing to heaven,' he sighed with a chuckle, the bubbles coming up to his goatee.

'Jeez, sweetie, don't start farting or turn the Jacuzzi on, we'll fill the sodding lodge with froth,' I giggled, as I dropped my robe, and walked into the bay window recess to slide into the hot suds awaiting my aching body.

It was lovely to lay there with a spliff and a Jack, looking out over the trees to the mountain range above us. The rock face glowed in the last of the sunlight, giving it a pale, bluish colour. That was probably my most favourite spot to survey the world from.

'What ya thinking about, sugar?'

Max pinched my toes as he sipped his drink and lay back to enjoy the view we shared.

'I was just thinking ... We're so bloody lucky to have all this ... We should never take it for granted, you know,' I smiled as I looked over at him. 'Sometimes it's good to sit back and remember where it was you came from, stops you getting above your station, if you know what I mean ...'

I took a long pull on the spliff and blew a stream of smoke into the steam above me.

'Jesus, I think there's a song there somewhere,' he snorted. 'And yeah, I know what ya saying, sugar.'

He was dreamily looking out at the mountains. I could see them reflected in his lovely blue eyes.

'... I'm reminded every time I look at Ma and Stevie ... We are damn lucky, I agree, but we've worked real hard for it too ... Don't forget that ...'

I nodded and leant forward to kiss him, he was right.

'So, when did you say we'd go over to meet our new nephew then?' I asked, as I sipped my Jack and passed him the spliff.

'I told Stevie we'd go over this weekend, if that's cool with you ... He's getting all excited about this video shoot in two weeks ... Mickey's flying up for a chat with us about something else in the pipeline ...'

He paused a second as he took a pull on the spliff. He smiled and then passed it back.

'... I didn't think I'd ever get used to being an Uncle, always thought I was gonna be a Daddy first ... I guess Uncle is kinda the same thing but without the diapers and sleepless nights ... Whatever, I'm kinda liking the sound of Uncle Max,' he chuckled to himself, quietly. 'Yeah, Uncle Max the Music Man, sounds cool ... How ya feeling about being Aunt Tee then? That shouldn't take him long to learn .... It's just that one word anyway, ain't it?' he laughed.

'Okay, so it's not as cool as Uncle Max the Music Man, I admit,' I giggled, 'but we all have to start somewhere, don't we? Maybe he'll make his own name up for me while he's little ... I can but pray, can't I?' I smiled over at Max while he chuckled to himself. 'What?' I asked.

'When I was still in diapers I couldn't say Aunt Bernice, I could only dribble Ant Bentknees ... I thought it was her real name for years ... I just remembered that, I'll have to tell Stevie when we see him, he'll remember her ...'

He chuckled, again, as he finished his drink, and then slowly sunk down to disappear under the coating of bubbles, then back up.

I watched as he squirted water from his mouth in a jet, then rubbed his hands over his face several times. His curls hung in dripping ringlets as he scooped them back over the top of his head with his fingers. I sighed loudly and smiled as I looked at a very sexy, and very wet, Max.

Sliding down a little in the bath, I giggled. His eyes came round and connected with mine, he knew that sound. Slowly bending my leg up, I ran my foot down the inside of his thigh under the water. A smile spread across his face as my toes came into contact with his crouch, his hand coming to rest on my foot so he could grind it against his hardening boy bits.

'Come on,' I said in a low voice, 'we haven't screwed in the tub for ages ... I miss it.'

Grinning, I moved to sit with my legs still in the tub and my back to the view. I watched as Max moved towards me on his knees, his face beaming as he sent a wave up and over the edge.

'... Incoming ...' was said with a dirty grin and a rather gorgeous twinkle to his eyes.

Slowly sliding his hands around my waist, his lips came to rest against mine, his hot mouth taking me in and making me cave. He looked down, once, and then grinned as he dropped his head and blew away the bubbles covering my thighs. The chill against my skin slowly turned my nipples hard, the sensation making my legs tremble.

He laughed under his breath, 'Damn it, woman, you are the hottest ...'

I cut him off as I pulled him back to kiss me again. With one arm around his neck, I held him to me while the fingers of the other crept up into his soaking hair. Taking himself in hand, I saw what was coming. It was the look in his eyes and the way his lips curled up slightly at the edges, even though they were still touching mine.

Very slowly he took what he wanted, my eagerness already an open book. He lifted my thighs as we became joined at the hip. I could feel my body opening up to his offerings, the sensation letting off a million tiny sparklers in the very core of me. With his lips still to mine, he held me there, suspended over the edge of another moment to surrender. Hands to my hips, he made every second count as he kissed me through a string of emotions.

Tears and smiles graced my face as his lips brushed over my hot skin on shoulder and neck. There he kept me, hanging onto him, my lifeline, my anchor. What there was, he was stealing, and I let him have his fill.

The end came in a shudder of bodies and tears in eyes, slow and gently. We gave the moment to each other as we held tight and kissed. The warm rush that followed finished our session of love in the tub. Slowly we sank back down into the lukewarm water together, coiled in each other's arms, content, fulfilled and very, very happy.

The September sun was watery as we drove the roads to Rowley to see the new addition to the Manley family. I entertained Max with my singing. He laughed at the way I could murder a track in seconds flat. He scowled as he told me he knew I could sing better than that. Why did I always have to kill a song so quickly?

I turned to him. 'I only do it with your songs, honey, as well you know ...'

'Yeah,' he replied, 'don't I know, ya little...'

'Don't say it, or I'll squeeze your thigh, hard, and then we'll crash and die, and it'll all be your fault,' I sniggered.

'Everything's my fault, as I'm led to believe ... Can't you sing just one song in tune for me, once, please,' he laughed.

So I did, and he was more than relieved to have his hearing still intact as we reached the ranch.

Stevie came bouncing out when he heard the car pulling up to the front of the house.

'Well, how ya doing? ... I ain't seen ya since we got back from the States ... Where ya'll been hiding?' he asked, as I climbed from the Camaro to be consumed by his usual bear hug.

'Work, work, and some more work, you know me, Stevie, always got something I'm supposed be doing,' I grinned, as we walked to the house leaving Max to bring our bag for the night.

'YEAH,' Max called, 'I'M FINE, STEVIE ... And I missed ya too, bro, thanks for asking ...'

His head shook from side to side as he caught up with us in the hall. He was still smiling as we followed the sound of a crying baby into the kitchen.

'Well, there he is,' Stevie crooned, 'JR at his finest ...'

Chelsea looked up and smiled her hellos. JR was not very interested in the breast that was squirting lactose everywhere. He just wanted to go back to sleep. Max slowly walked over and looked down at the squalling face.

'Ugly little critter, ain't he ... Defiantly takes after you, then, bro,' he chuckled.

I followed over, kissed Chelsea, and looked down at the bawling infant.

'Hush now, little one,' I purred, 'there's no need to be making such a fuss ... Ya Ma's just trying to give ya some dinner, she's not trying to kill ya ...'

I stood smiling down over Chelsea's shoulder as the noise petered out.

'... That's better ...' I finished.

'Jesus, shit, ya wanna job as Nanny? ... You got it, kid?' Stevie laughed from the bar as he fixed us all a drink.

Max looked at me, impressed with my ability to cease the awfully loud racket being produced by a mini version of Stevie. He walked over and kissed me on the temple.

'D'ya reckon that'll work on Stevie when he's being a noisy son-of-a-bitch?' he chuckled.

'I heard that, ya cheeky motherfu ...'

'Please don't say it, honey ... Tiny ears still hear bad words, don't ya know,' Chelsea butted in, as she smiled up at me, still engrossed in the small bundle in her arms. 'Ya wanna have a hold, sugar? He'll be an angel, now ... Till his next feed, anyway ...'

'Oh, yeah, come to Aunt Tee, JR, it's time me and you had a little chat about your Uncle Max the Music Man,' I laughed, taking the quiet infant from Chelsea's arms and looking sideways at Max.

'What was that?' Stevie asked with a chuckle. 'Uncle Max what?'

He was grinning as he walked over with three Jacks on ice.

'Long story ... Max will explain, I'm sure,' I giggled, as I walked to the picture window with the very content bundle in my arms.

There's something about the smell of a clean and happy baby. It's the talc, or the milk, or a mixture of both, but whatever it is, I love it.

His eyes blinked open, looked up at me, and slowly focused as his hand reached up to my face. I kissed his little chubby palm and grinned down at him as a smile twitched the side of his mouth. I was instantly reminded of Beth.

'Now,' I started, 'I'm your Aunt Tee, and that over there, that's ya Uncle Max, but I'll let him have his chat next about the boy stuff ... I'm here mainly to force feed you cookies and milk, and spoil you until I get bored, at which point I'll give you back to Mommy and Daddy ...'

He burped.

'Is that better? Good! As I was about to say, ya Uncle Max and I can't have any of our own, anymore, so, I reckon your parents won't mind if we steal you every so often, aye?'

His little fist found its way to his mouth.

'You and me are gonna have so much fun, shorty ... We'll make worm pies, snow-angels and as much mess as the adults will allow ...'

His little face was perfect and I could see Stevie in his features.

'God, you're like your Daddy ... Shame really, because ya Ma's a really good looking woman ... Your Dad's okay, but...'

'Hey, I can hear what ya saying, ya know,' Stevie butted in.

'Yeah, I know,' I chuckled over my shoulder, as I swayed from side to side, gently. 'Urh, where were we? ... Ah, yes ... I'm going to be around quite a bit, so, if ya need any advice on partying or getting wasted, come and see me ... For everything else, go see ya Ma, ya Pa, or ya Uncle Max the Music Man, okay? ... Urh, I think that's it ... Over to Uncle Max now, so he can explain his stupid name to you and your parents ... So, see ya soon, shorty ...'

I kissed his peachy forehead as I walked over and looked at Max.

'Go on, then, take him, he's lovely,' I beamed, as I looked down, and then back up at Max again. I noticed he had tears in his eyes. 'What?' I questioned, as I looked at Max.

'You're a God damn natural, look at ya,' he replied.

I turned my head to see Stevie sat with Chelsea. Both of them had odd looks on their faces, almost a mixture between sorrow and immense happiness. I realised then that they'd been watching, and listening to me, all that time. Chelsea wiped a tear from her cheek as she smiled over at me.

'I think ya got yaself a little partner in crime there ... We're gonna have to keep an eye on you two, I can see that now ...'

She giggled, as she cuddled into Stevie, smiling over at Max, who was stood with JR in his arms, grinning.

We all had a few Jacks to wet the baby's head. Poor Chelsea was still on her smoothies which, she said, had lost their appeal about six months previously. Max and I got the 'ins and outs' of having a baby and, suddenly, Max's and my life seemed so carefree and ungoverned. Although I'd accepted our lack of children, I could see Max was still having a problem with moving on.

Everybody had him pegged as the man who had everything, the house, the lifestyle, the money and the toys that go with it. From the outside, he was rich in so many ways. He had a wife that adored him, a Mother who worshipped him, and a brother who would cross Hades to help him. But, alas, look at it through his eyes, and there was that 'one thing' money just wouldn't ever buy, the child that never was, Max's little ghost.

As I sat and watched him holding JR, I could see him adoring his new found charge. I saw the way he gently lifted and studied the tiny hand that clenched his index finger. Every so often he would lift him a little and smell JR's hair with his eyes closed. He was fixing the moment in his memory so he could carry it with him. It was lovely to watch him brush his clean shaven cheek over the silky smooth down that covered the miniature crown. The action seemed natural to Max as he gently kissed JR's forehead and cuddled him into the crook of his arm. He was quite happy, sat there with his little friend, and it gave me a good feeling to see Max so comfortable.

We all chatted and laughed about the perils of parenthood, too, like, 'don't leave Stevie with the baby for too long because they end up in the barn playing on the big green and yellow tractor'. I liked Chelsea's one better, 'don't forget the baby when you leave the house to go shopping.'

The other thing that made me laugh was the way Cully followed JR wherever he went. He'd declared himself JR's guard-dog and keeper. It was pretty obvious the boy had already made a friend for life. Chelsea added that when JR was in his crib, Cully would sleep under it. The two were inseparable already, and JR was looking for the dog from the moment he awoke.

Stevie loved the bond they'd forged saying every little boy should have a dog to grow up with. He, himself, had taken his first steps with the use of their old dog, Shiloh. Unfortunately, Max never got to meet him, his demise came the spring before Max was born.

Stevie had smiled saying, 'Yeah, we had other dogs, but there'd never be another Shiloh, he was so cool ...'

The weekend flew by, as they always do, and before we knew it, we were on the drive home already. Max was his usual quiet self as I sang us most of the way back, in tune that time. He eventually joined in when a ReHab track came on. With that fabulously gritty voice, he could sing everything so bloody well, and I was amazed at his range. He could really belt them out, and the power he had was something else. In the end I stopped singing and listened to him instead. Why should I bother when I had the real deal in the car next to me?

The Ride of Your Life

The beginning of the week saw Mickey Markwell arrive for a meeting with the lads at the lodge. I kept out the way by going for a long ride on Big Boy. I'd worked out a stunning hack down and across the adjoining land that followed the brook downstream.

The path we trod led through a small coppice and out onto more open farmland. At that point, I could follow the dirt track, for about a mile, before turning back towards the stream. After crossing the small bridge, it opened out onto another stunning vista looking back at the mountains. A tremendous panorama, it made me feel so puny.

I've always been in awe of Tornado Mountain, the way it holds the light and looks down on us mere mortals. Clearly a seat for the Gods, it dominates the sky with its demand to be seen and recognised as a magnificent giant. I would never tire of living on its hem, and could never see myself leaving it. I understood, then, why Max's heart was connected to that place. How could you not love it?

Big Boy knew the route by heart so I could look around me as we ambled on our way. Every so often, and only on a patch of ground I trusted, I would put my heels to his side and we would fly across the land. I'd be whooping like a crazed cowboy and Big Boy would charge on a free reign.

The feeling would be so exhilarating I would feel as light as a feather as we came back to trot after a couple of furlongs. Big Boy would shake his head and prance like a foal out for the first time. He loved being free to go for it hell for leather across an open space, and it suited me fine too.

Retracing our steps, we circled back, picking up the track by the bridge. The sun still had some warmth to it as it bathed the mountains in a golden hue. Birds were just heard over the water as we trotted along the bank towards home.

We stopped for a bit, as we always did, by a part that had collapsed. Big Boy could walk down onto the small beach area, to have a drink from the stream, as I splashed water to the back of my neck and drank from my hand. Coming straight down from the mountain, the water was crystal clear and ever so sweet. Sometimes, when it was a scorcher of a day, I'd strip down to my trolleys and take a swim out into the cold water, whilst Big Boy paddled in the shallows. We wasted hours hanging out there together, it was great.

Putting my cowboy hat back on, and leading Big Boy from the beach, I mounted up and we resumed our amble homewards. Days like that were priceless, but I always felt a bit sad that I saw them mostly on my own. Max wasn't really interested in horse power, unless it was under a hood or connected to a vehicle in some way. I guess it's each to their own.

We'd crossed the farmland and were following the track to the coppice when it happened. I couldn't tell you where the gunfire came from, or who fired it, but I know the outcome wasn't what I'd hoped for.

The first thing that happened was Big Boy's head rose a couple of feet higher than mine, and, before it even registered, I was falling backwards. The lights went out after I saw the world shoot upwards in a blur, and I hit the deck, back down, the wind punched well and truly from my sails.

I came to with Big Boy's lips tracing a wet nibble line down my right cheek. I was on my side, I know that much, and it hurt like hell when I took a breath. I managed to roll over enough to see, what I took as, a broken bone in my left leg. I grabbed the reins and tried to heave myself up. I even tried using the stirrup for more leverage, but it was way too painful. I just about managed to get onto one knee, the other having swollen into a bizarre shape.

I racked my brains on what to do and, yes, I can hear you say, 'What about a mobile phone?' Yep, I had one of them, and it probably would have worked, if it hadn't been for the fact that, by then, it resembled a pancake with my arse printed on it.

I did try but nothing showed on the shattered screen, which is usually a bad sign. I dialled the lodge, seeing as I could remember that one, on the off chance it might ring and that Max might recognise my number. That's if he could hear it. I willed him not to be down in the studio. If they were all down there, I was really screwed.

The sun had started its drop towards the mountain and I could feel the evening creeping in. I wasn't quite at the stage of panic, but I was well on my way. There was still quite a distance to go and, I knew, there was no way in hell I was going to manage the walk home from there. Seems I had only one option.

'Right, we got two choices ... We either stay here, all night, and I freeze ... While we wait for Max to miss us, or ... I live in hope ... You're just about ready for some supper ... And will speed your arse back ... To feed your face ... Before crashing for the night.'

The pain tore at my side, rendering it harder and harder to breathe and talk. A blinding white light flashed across closed lids, the agony enough to make the bile rise a little.

'... What d'ya reckon ... Should I fancy the odds? ... Can I trust you ... Not to go galloping off ... Because some pretty mare ... Catches your eye ... ?'

I looked up at Big Boy from where I'd slumped onto the ground.

'... Jesus, I hope this works ... What's it they say? ... High-ho, Silver, AWAY ...'

I'd painfully pulled myself up onto my good knee as I spoke to him. Doing the best I could, I reached up and lassoed the reins around the pommel, hoping they wouldn't catch around his legs. I sort of wobbled sideways a bit and, with the last of my words, the flat of my hand, and an apology, slapped his rump as hard as I could.

It got him going in the right direction, at least. He vanished into the distant tree line as I prayed he was like most men and would follow his stomach home. Once I couldn't see him anymore I collapsed back down onto the ground, the darkness encroaching.

I wouldn't like to think about how long I lay there. It was getting pretty dark and I was starting to get cold and hungry. I'd left in lovely sunshine, wearing my usual shirt and chaps over jeans, I wasn't expecting to still be outside as night descended on me. The one thought that went through my head was how lucky I was that it hadn't rained, now that would have been a real shitter. So, really, it could have been a hell of a lot worse than just cold.

I thought I was watching a ghost move across the stretch of grass between me and the trees. I could just make out a white shape that was slowly getting bigger and bigger, and then I heard the voice of an angel.

'Sweet Jesus Christ, woman, where the hell are ya?'

It was Stevie riding Big Boy, at a hellish speed, on a mission to retrieve Max's damaged wife.

'I'm over here ... Sitting in the same bloody place ... My stupid horse left me in, about ... Ooh, an hour ago,' I called, feebly, into the gloom.

From nowhere came a set of headlights bouncing across the grass in my general direction. It was Max and Mickey in the 4x4, thank the Gods.

Stevie was the first to reach me though. He threw himself down from Big Boy and slid to a halt next to me. The first thing he did was to throw his arms round me and kiss my forehead. Taking my face in his hands he scowled down at me.

'Christ, Tee-bird, ya had us all spitting feathers with worry there ... Ole Silver somehow managed to get up onto the drive ... We couldn't work out where the damn noise against the outside wall of the studio was coming from ... It was him, kicking the hell out of it... Jesus, how do ya manage this shit?'

Big Boy was munching meadow grass as Max and Mickey pulled up alongside us and leapt out.

'Woman, ya'll be the death a me, I swear to God ... I thought ya said ya could ride the damn thing.'

Max's arms came around me as Stevie and Mickey surveyed the damage to my leg.

'It's most definitely broken, guys ... Without a doubt ...' I looked up at Max. 'I'm sorry ...' My gaze turned back to the guys. 'The rest of me seems to be okay ... Except I crushed my stupid phone ... And I think ... I mighta damaged a rib or two ... It hurts, a bit, to breath ... And my side and left arm are agony,' I wheezed out.

'For Christ's sake, ya coulda killed ya damn self, honey ... What the hell happened?'

Max's concern fell over me as if a security blanket, warm and safe.

'It was a fucking shotgun ... And sounded like it came ... From in the trees ... Over there ...'

I pointed my thumb over my shoulder and indicated the forest just beyond the track.

'At the time ... I thought they were aiming at us ... Big Boy freaked out and reared ... I landed on my left side ... I don't know how long I was out for ... Not very long, I think ... He,' I nodded at Big Boy still ripping up grass, 'brought me back round ... Bless him ... Kiss of life, it was ... And from a bloody horse, too ... Just my luck,' I feebly chuckled, then winced. 'Well ... He ain't all that bad ... If he managed to get your bloody attention ... Me, I think he's a wonder horse ...'

I looked over at Big Boy as he shook his head and blew air out of his nostrils. Holding my hand out to him he ambled over for a fuss.

'Well, I think ya damn lucky there, Tee ...' Mickey said, crouched next to me taking a look at my knee. 'There's no bone broken through the skin, but it looks pretty bad all the same ... You're gonna scream some, I think, when we lift ya ... It's either that or we get the paramedics out here ... It's up to you really ... What ya wanna do? ... It's your call.'

He looked at me, then at the boys, pulling a funny face. He recommended ringing the cops and the paramedics, and still didn't like the thought of moving me. We didn't know what internal damage had been done. I could have punctured something with a broken rib. He strongly suggested I had a think about it.

'Honey, we're getting the paramedics out here ... I think Mickey's right, us moving ya could do more damage, and from where I'm sitting, you look like ya got enough problems as it is ...'

Max still had his arm round me like a protective cloak. He was watching what Mickey was doing as he spoke.

'I agree with them, sugar ...' Stevie had Big Boy's reins and was stood stroking his forehead. 'Ya could be hurt real bad inside ... I ain't doing anything that could make it worse for ya ...' His serious face was in half-light from the 4x4 headlights and it gave him a rather sinister look.

'Okay then ...' I conceded. 'Stevie ... Is there still a blanket ... On the backseat of the 4x4 ... I'm bloody freezing? ... Oh ... And can someone else ring them, please? ... I can't dial out on this,' I laughed with a wince, as I held up my deceased mobile.

Within four hours I was sat in a nice, warm, comfortable, private room in Rockyview General Hospital in Calgary. I had two broken ribs, a fractured knee, and was told I was lucky the ribs didn't puncture a lung. They patched me up, fed me painkillers and fussed over me for a few days till I persuaded them to send me home.

Alright, it wasn't persuaded, it was more like nagged and moaned my way out. I'm not a good patient, at the best of times, because I get bored quickly, and there's only so much shite TV I can watch before I start becoming a real pain in the arse.

On the first day, Beth popped in for a visit, and I was impressed she'd remembered to bring a bundle of magazines, a sketch pad and pencils. We chatted about JR and how Max had reacted when meeting him for the first time. She'd wondered if it had touched a raw nerve with the pair of us. I said I thought he was a gorgeous baby, and I was looking forward to watching him grow to be another Stevie. She commented, if he turned out anything like the two boys, when they were youngsters, she'd emigrate to Australia. She laughed as she said her heart probably wouldn't cope with another version of them running wild.

On the second day, Stevie and Chelsea dived in, but left JR with Beth, which was a shame, I was looking forward to seeing him again. They thought it was probably a better arrangement, seeing as the hospital was full of sick people, they didn't want him picking up someone's rancid cooties. Stevie's words not mine.

Max had my room filled with vases of flowers and I had a bouquet delivered everyday from him. Craig Taylor popped in, on the third day, and thought that many flowers were depriving Chelsea Flower Show of their entire stock. I said they could have them when they were dead. If nothing else, they could recycle them into very good, but very expensive, compost.

Max was there as often, and for as long, as he was allowed to be. I sketched him as he talked about the meeting with Mickey and explained what it was about. Stevie and he were in talks about the music video for Tornado, their latest release. They had an idea of what they wanted to do, and Mickey said he'd help wherever he could. The rest of Max's visit time was usually spent laying on the bed with me, playing with my hair or fingers, and chatting about Big Boy and the accident.

The next day he appeared, I was dressed and ready to leave, new crutches included.

As One Door Closes

It was a beautiful, calm night. We were mellowed out on the decking under the stars, reclining on the loungers, smoking a nice spliff each, and drinking black coffee with its usual Jack. The darkness had a gentle mood to it as the peace and quiet washed away the aches of the day.

My leg was looking rather psychedelic in its thigh length, crazy art/graffiti cast. Everybody had attacked it, in one way or another, there was even a smiley face done by Beth. The bruises had almost faded and, as long as I didn't laugh too much, and made sure I self-medicated with lots of weed, I was pretty much pain free. It was all good.

'I don't ever wanna leave this place, ya know,' Max suddenly said, his voice low and dreamy. 'When I add it all up, and see how far we've all come, really, we've been blessed, even though we've had to lose some stuff along the way too ... I wouldn't change any of it, except Dad and Junior ... When the dream became the plan, it all fell into place, then I found you and it all made sense ...'

'Okay, wow, that was deep, you must be more stoned than me ... You dropped some of my opiates, huh? ...'

I paused for a moment watching Max. He chuckled as his eyes dropped to my cold fingers, the ones he was playing with.

'Sorry, I'm just teasing ... I know what you mean, having no regrets but the obvious ones ... And where has all that time gone, answer me that?' I remarked, looking out over the trees, as I smoked my joint and blew a stream of smoke into the darkness before me.

'I been asking myself that very same question for years ...' He paused. 'I find it hard to believe that, not so long ago, we were getting ready to experience what Stevie an Chels are living right now.' His face turned towards me, highlighted by the lights from the den. 'Don't get me wrong,' he continued, 'I wouldn't change my life, here, with you, for anything ... I love the way ya love me ...'

His face turned away and was lost to the darkness again. 'I love JR, too, like he was my very own, even ...' His voice held a twinge of sadness when he said, '... But he just ain't ...'

I got up and hobbled over to where he sat and, turning with my back to him, sat down across his legs. As I looked round at him I sighed, loudly.

'Sometimes, when I look at you, I think I shouldn't be here ... Sometimes, I think you deserve so much more ... At least, you deserve that one thing ...'

He learnt forward to speak but I put my fingers to his lips and stopped him.

'No, please, listen to me ... I wish I could give you that, with all my heart and soul ... It nearly kills me sometimes, and I think maybe I should let you go, so you can go and find someone who can give you the one thing I can't ...'

My eyes went misty.

'I want you to have it so much, Max, just that one thing, and I can't give it to you ... And my heart breaks for us, every day ...'

I lifted his left hand, kissed the wedding band on his finger, and held the palm to my face.

'... I love you so much, Max Manley, and I'm so sorry, but I'm really stoned ...'

I was lucky enough to see the storyboard for Tornado, which was all filmed in and around Rowley. It opened with a local weather report, blaring from a car radio, warning a small town about high winds and heavy rain. Everybody then runs for shelter as the sirens start their whining wail, all except the band.

They're seen strolling down the main street, towards a packed car lot. Max has his acoustic on his back, Stevie, the same with his bass, Jake's tagging along behind with his Les Paul, as Dan taps a beat on brick and bin with his sticks.

As the wind starts to lift their hair, they calmly amble into position with their instruments, and the acoustic intro starts. Crashing into the first verse, the song builds, as does the wind, finally becoming a funnel to touch down on the outskirts of town. Stuff is seen to be ripped up and thrown around, as if litter on a breeze, as the chaos climbed with the track. A Winnebago is then seen sailing overhead, family, and dog, howling for help, then a beer truck, followed by a car full of grungers head-banging to the tune as it blasts from their open windows.

As they keep playing, they watch as the surrounding motors are whisked away, one by one. It ends with the band in the eye of the storm and, as they end the track, the wind dies down then dissipates, leaving them to walk away from the devastation.

When the filming was finished, and it was chopped together with a bit of shimmery CGI, I was most impressed. Looking as if it had come straight out of a Hollywood Blockbuster, it was amazing to watch. They all enjoyed the experience too, Max more than the others, but he was a show-off anyway so would always be out front, doing his thing. And how well did he do it? Very well.

Soon enough, Mickey was on the phone again. Were they still interested in doing the title song for the movie, Coming In Shallow? All of them went wild for it.

The movie Director, Pete Langdon, and Max had first met when we'd visited Vancouver in the New Year. I remember Pete was popular with a lot people that night. The guys in the band were of particular interest to him, as it happens. He had every album of theirs and especially loved the really early raw stuff. Max and he spent most of the evening talking about the film. As soon as Pete mentioned a certain action hero, Max was up for it.

They all arranged to come to the lodge and have the meeting there. Pete brought along some samples of the incidental and orchestral music, he left them with the guys to listen to. They were in the studio for hours running through instant ideas while strumming guitars.

The movie was quite explosive, shall we say. I can't imagine how many pyrotechnic guys they had at hand, but they certainly trashed some shit, that's for sure. The fights had some of the best bone crunching I've ever seen, from heads slammed in car doors to forks in eyes. The car chases were perfectly choreographed and the Leading Lady was a stunning redhead who knew how to kick-ass, and ride fast motorbikes, in her light leather cat-suit. More mind-blowingly real CGI explained the far out stuff and, along with the split-screen viewing, it was all very clever.

Our Leading Man was playing a double part in parallel universes. In this one, he was a married, middle-aged man who worked in a bank and hated his life. In the other, he was a superhero Timeline Crime Buster. I enjoyed the snippets I was allowed to see in the den, but Max and Stevie just couldn't get enough.

Within four weeks they had it nailed between them and it bloody rocked. Called _Running Outta Time_ , it was, as they say, spot on. Starting with a nice slow intro, it crashed into a verse about getting another chance. The lyrics explained, although it's hard, you'll grow stronger but, you had to realise, sometimes, being free took a little time and had a price. The chorus explained a life that should have been different and needed to change before they found themselves running out of time.

Clever bast'ds, you can go off people you know.

We all flew over for the Film Premier, in Toronto, and guess who, of all bloody people, appeared from outta the crowd, cutting through to a table to our right. I remember freezing on the spot and the room temperature dropping suddenly.

Thank God Stevie came barging through and missed the moment. I had to laugh at the way he nodded a hello to as he dragged Max and me off in another direction. Looking back to see Shay smiling after us, I grinned when he winked at me. When I turned again, he'd moved off to be with another group of beautiful people.

The film was pretty good and full of action, I guess. I had a numb bum after about twenty-five minutes and needed a wee. Max got a bit arsy when I said I was going to the Ladies and, after getting up with apologies, shimmied my way along the line to make my getaway. Yes, I did go to the ladies and, yes, I did stretch my legs, to the bar.

It was nice to sit there on my tod, except for the barman, and enjoy a peaceful few minutes with a long Jack and cola. Propped on a stool at the bar, I could see the entrance in the reflection of the mirror at the back of it. I found it rather entertaining to see guests wandering about with their bulked up bodyguards. It was a bit of a _film star fest_ and I couldn't be doing with it all really.

I'd just ordered another drink when, low and behold, who walked through the sodding door with his hands pushed into his trouser pockets? The evening jacket he wore had one button holding it shut and he smiled as he ambled over.

'For Christ's sake, what's your timing like? ... If he comes up here now we're both screwed, again ... Here, have my drink, I'm going ...'

And with that, I stood, took my clutch bag, and went to walk passed him.

'... I just thought I'd say goodbye,' Shay smiled, 'while we had a second or two ... I'm going home.'

For a moment he was silent, as the light changed in his eyes, and his sight became misty.

'... Mam's got cancer, Tee ...'

His smile faded as he looked up from his shoes, his eyes suddenly seeming so sad.

'My family need me, so, I'm going ...' He chuckled, 'I'm gonna miss bumping into you at places like this, though ...' He held his hand in front of him for me to take, which I did. '... I don't know if I'll be back any time soon, I shouldn't think so, but, just so you know ... I always regretted losing you ... I always have ... I guess I always will ...'

The smile came back to his face as he gently squeezed my hand.

'I'm so sorry, Shay... Foe everything ... Your Ma ... Us ...'

My sight went misty as I glanced away from his face. A heat rose in my cheeks as a cold wisp touched the hairs on the back of my neck.

'Well,' he said, 'life has a funny way of teaching us lessons, let this be a lesson to us all ... And, really, I'm the one that's bloody sorry ... I know, now, what I lost when I let you go ... I'm the fool and I know it ...'

Releasing my hand he turned and walked towards the doors. Standing, watching him head out of my life forever, I could feel a panic rising and my chest hurt.

'Shay ...' I said his name into the space that was growing between us.

He stopped and turned. Our faces were a mirror of each other's, as they showed the pain of something neither of us understood. It felt as natural as walking into Heaven. We crashed into each other, the embrace needing to last a lifetime. Tears ran as the memories flooded my confused mind. His cheek rested against my forehead as he spoke.

'I've had some real hard stuff to deal with lately, but this leaving you bit, it really hurts ... It always hurts leaving you, it always did ... It always will ...'

I clutched my eyes shut to try to stop a sob. I swallowed it away and collect up my scattered emotions.

Pulling away, I smiled, 'It's too late telling me that now, you bloody doughnut ... You should have thought about that years ago ... Time's up, twit-face ...'

A quick hug before [pulling away, the seconds sliding by, my eyes on him and the clock behind.

'... And I'm sorry to, Shay ... For everything ...'

I placed my warm palm to his cheek. '... You'll be okay, you'll see ... Have a little faith ... You'll be surprised what might happen ...' I kissed his cheek and patted his face. 'When you going then?'

'Well ... I've got a few jobs to finish then I'm off after that, probably the end of the month, three weeks maybe,' he grinned.

'You'll be home before you know it,' I said. 'If you don't think about it, those weeks'll fly by ... Autumn in Minane Bridge, stunning ... The sea will be getting wild on the coast, you can watch the season turn ... You'll be so busy you won't have time to think about us crazy carrot crunchers.'

I looked at the man I'd once loved, years ago. His soft chocolate eyes glinted in the crystal lights above us. I wiped a tear from his cheek and giggled.

'What?' he chuckled.

'Look at us ... Crying and crap ... For Christ's sake, get yourself together, Blane, damn it, man,' I grinned at him as he turned away, laughing.

'... Ya take care now, sweetheart ... I'll catch ya soon ... Maybe ...'

His hand rose to wave over his shoulder as he reached the doors. I saw the face as it pulled a scowl and came through them.

'Hello, Blane, had ya arse kicked lately, ya old tosser?' Hatch asked as he came to a halt.

'No, can't say I have, Hatch, ya fat wanker ... How ya doing then?'

Shay stared coldly at him with his arms crossed, adopting a defensive stance. Hatch smiled but never took his eyes off Shay.

'Max was asking about ya ... Their song runs at the end ... There's about five minutes of the film left ... You coming?'

His voice was flat, but he had a smirk across his lips as his eyes slowly moved from Shay to me. So, I walked towards Shay and ran my hand down his arm to take his hand.

'Safe journey, Shay, and please send my love to Mam and Dad ... Tell them I remember them fondly.'

Squeezing his hand, gently, I kissed his cheek and walked off, taking Hatch with me. Shay stood and watched us leave the room. I didn't look back, I couldn't, but I so wanted to.

'Tee, what did I just see in there?' Hatch asked, as we descended the plush stairs.

'Don't know, mate ... What did you see?' I smirked, looking at him sideways with a sad look in my eyes.

He chuckled under his breath, 'Don't know, Tee ... Where was I again?' Grinning, he reached the bottom step and turned to me. 'Whatever it was I didn't see, please, be careful ... Don't go getting yourself hurt, not again ... For me, alright!'

'Yeah, I know ... Thanks for that ... It's just I hate goodbyes, hon,' I replied.

'What? ... He leaving us then, is he?' he grinned.

'He will be, yeah ... His Mam has Cancer, Hatch ... Shame, what a lovely lady,' I half smiled.

Turning, I walked through the doors just as the opening bars of _Running Outta Time_ crashed from the gloom beyond. I sank into my seat as Max's arm slid around my waist. He smiled the smile he kept only for me, kissed my neck, then nuzzled his face into my hair.

Here, There and Everywhere

'... Really? ... You think this is fun for me? Does it look like I'm having fun? No, I didn't think so ... This is not what I'd call fun, you arsehole ... I'm real pissed at you right now, and I hope it bloody well shows.' I span away from him and headed for the door, my patience expired.

'If ya walk out that door, I'm telling ya now, ya ain't gonna walk back through it ...'

Max had his finger pointed at me over the kitchen table. His face was screwed up in anger as he barked the words in my direction. I stopped abruptly and slowly turned to him.

'... Don't you dare threaten me with that shit, NOT EVER ... Besides, it isn't me who's leaving, you dickhead ... Get the fuck outta MY house ...'

I grabbed his already wet coat, from where it hung, opened the front door and threw it out into the yard. The lashing rain soaked the kid leather in ten seconds flat, once again.

'... FINE ... Have it ya own fucking way, ya crazy bitch ... Ya wanna play mind-games, that's cool with me, I can play mind-games too ... Only, I do it better ...'

He stalked towards me as he spoke, with an index finger tapping at his temple, an evil sneer plastered across his pissed-off features, and steely blue eyes.

'... I can't do this shit with you anymore ... Fuck this, I'm outta here ...'

He stormed off into the darkness and headed for the Chevy, I could hear him cussing as he walked away. The leather jacket was scooped up and dumped in the back.

'YEAH ... WHATEVER ... ARSEHOLE,' I shouted after him, my voice nearly lost in the constant beat of the rain.

The Chevy lights caught me as it rapidly reversed down the drive. Soaking wet, and eyes full of angry tears, I turned back to the house and ended the moment by slamming the door shut behind me. Game over.

We'd had such a great day, which ended with an afternoon in McCall's catching up with the old boys. After that, we were dragged round to Gina and Walt's for honey-roast chicken and wild cherry pie. But, he had to start being a dick, so, I made our apologies and took him home.

He was so shit at hiding his emotions and that was okay, but I just hated the way it all seeped out into my shaky hands. One too many beers, or a Jack over the limit, and I'd be saddled with trying to right the most incredible wrong. Max was lost in his swell of misery once more, and the tide was to be enormous

Coaxing him home when he was like that, well, it was sort of funny, him being all serious for a change, but then slurring him words or simply using the wrong one. It wasn't as if we had to walk a mile, though the effort required to get him that some five hundred yards, was enough to make me want to run that distance at times.

He sat for a while, pointing at the sky. There was a band of blue, where the sun was going down, and a band of black, where the sun can up. It was line moving towards us, and the black bit meant only one thing. Could I hurry him? Ha, not on my Nelly, could I hurry him, he wanted to smell the flowers and be at one with nature. For a while there he was a _happy drunk_ , but it wasn't to last.

Sure enough, the skies above opened, and as the storm raged, so did Max. He took me through a string of memories, some happy, some sad. There was a point where his whole life sounded as if it was pointless, then the fighter reappeared, who then beat the shadows back. No tears were to fall in his outbursts, just ranted words that had never seen the light.

Stopping, he turned to me, as the rain slicked down our hair, and his anger became a gleam making his eyes shine.

'... Two things really piss me off more than anything,' he stated, shaking his head of curls in the manner of a waterlogged hound, '... The first ... Somehow, someway, I should've met you sooner, years ago, like in my early twenties ... We missed our chance there ... I was way hotter then,' he chuckled, nearly tripping over a rock in the road.

'... And the second?' I asked, moving, just in case he crash-landed in the dark.

'The second ... That we haven't adopted yet ... We could adopt, we're loaded and young enough ... We could have three, no, six, buy a massive house and fill the place with screaming brats ... Why haven't we done that yet, huh? Answer me that ...'

We were stood in the pouring rain as it streaked paths down our faces. I looked at him, a bewildered expression on my face.

'... You're so full of crap, Max? You amaze me ... Really, you do ... We haven't done it because this is the first time, ever, that you've even mentioned it ... Come on, Max, you're acting like it's the end of the world, and it isn't ... Yet,' I laughed, as water ran down my face and dripped from my chin.

The wetness against my skin was making me shudder from the cold, and all I really wanted was to get back home. I grabbed hold of his arm and dragged him up the drive towards the house, only stopping when he pulled away from me.

Turning, I realised he was fuming.

'... Oh, hell ... Here we go,' I said under my breath, as I waited in the rain and that awful cold. Okay ... Say it, whatever it is ... Just say it,' I almost shouted at him, my gaze fixed on his face.

'... Jesus, shit ... Ya don't give a flying fuck, do ya? Ya couldn't give a damn whether we survive this or not?'

His sad face was awash with tears and rain but, in the light from the porch, they were lost amongst each other.

'What the hell are you on about now? I'm confused, Max, help me here? Are we talking about life? ... Or are we now talking about the baby? Please, stop messing with my head, it's been a long enough day, as it is, without raking up those miserable memories on top ...'

I'd had my fill, turned, and headed for the shelter of the house. My heart raced with anger as I growled under my breath, my wet hair stuck to my face. Max was left behind me with his fists clenched. He didn't follow.

'... TEE ... I'm talking about us ... I'm talking about our love for each other ... Hell, it's dying ... And I don't know how to save it ...'

His words were called to the back of my head.

'... I'm trying so damn hard here ... PLEASE, HONEY ...'

I'd reached the steps when I turned back to him.

'Sweetie, we're always going to be in love ... I love you more than anything, and with all my heart and soul, but, I'm not the one moaning, am I? You need to get this stuff sorted in your head, then, and only then, will you be able to move on ... It's okay to move on, Max, honest ...'

I pleaded with him to let it go, my voice dropping in volume.

'... We don't have to keep doing this,' I smiled at him as he walked the path towards me. 'Isn't it time we had our lives back? We only get this one chance, let's do it together,' I whispered as my fingers pushed his dripping curls from his eyes. 'It's just, I don't want to keep being reminded, I know what we had, I know what we lost, and I know we're get through it, somehow ...'

He was stood before me as I finished with a giggle, 'Well, that's if I don't leave you for Bad Boy Blane as soon as your back's turned,' I grinned, turning for the door.

'Wow ... How the fuck do ya get-off saying that kinda shit? Man, ya sure are one cold bitch sometimes, ya know that?' he complained, following me into the house and heading straight for the Jack in the cupboard, which wasn't a surprise. Recently it had become the norm, any reason and he reached for the bottle, just like ole times.

'Yeah, right, and you're so God damn righteous, aren't you, Mister Pious Preacher Man? Hey, I'm only finishing what you started, remember! ... What? You think he stands a change? Is that your problem?' I almost laughed.

I popped open a Bud and leant against the side of the fridge looking at him through dripping hair.

'There ya go again with that stupid mouth of yours ... Okay, I get it, I get it ... You ain't waiting around for that jackass, he's outta here already ... But, and maybe I'm kinda losing it a bit here, so forgive me on this one ... Did we, or did we not, lose something we can never replace?'

His gaze slowly swung round to look at me. That attitude change, it became fixed and defiant. When he felt threatened he would shield up, stand back, and finally say what was on his mind.

'... And there you were, skipping up the path like you're twelve years old, in a thunderstorm, with not a care in the world ... Don't you feel anything?'

He was stood with his back to the sink, his arms and ankles crossed as usual. My voice was low and shaking as I stepped towards him.

'... How dare you ... You don't know how the fuck I feel inside ... Don't even presume you do, Max, because no one, and I mean no one ... KNOWS ... HOW ... I ... FEEL ...'

I shouted the last of my words into the empty space above the pine table as my Bud bottle was launched at the fireplace. Hitting the corner, perfectly, it shattered into a million tiny pieces. Beer rained down over the hearth and rug, the crescendo enough to cause utter silence.

'... This ... Has got to stop ...' I calmly ended.

Max didn't seem surprised by my actions. He just stood and nodded as the glass hit its mark. Loud clapping started, Max's way of saying he was impressed with the shot if nothing else.

'That's your answer to everything, isn't it? ... I'm laying myself open here, and you, you just wanna have yourself some fun ... What the hell's wrong with you?'

And there you have it, the full circle of life, again. Eventually, after locking the house up, in a raging temper, I packed the Camaro and drove back to the lodge pissed. Naughty, I know. I can't remember what possessed me to risk so much for so little that night. I should have stayed, I don't know why I made that crazy journey back, and on a night like that too. Funny, but I still ask myself that question now.

Max had gone wherever, tanked-up, driving the old Chevy, acting like a twat. I could see he wanted to rant at someone, but, I'd rather it not be me all the time, thank you. I hated it when he drove pissed and angry, but you couldn't stop him, he drove like a loon most of the time anyway. If he was gonna go, it was best to just leave him. Eventually he'd drive it out of himself, then come home at stupid o'clock, we'd then snuggle, he'd be fine, end of story.

Point Of No Return

They appeared at the doors just after 3 a.m, the Officers in their wet weather gear. They shone their torches into the den as I walked from our bedroom. As soon as I saw them, I knew. Their faces had all those shit words etched on them. I opened the door to the cold and rain and stood as it washed over my face and body. They didn't need to say anything. My guts gave me the newsflash.

They came in and one asked the obligatory, 'Are ya alone, Mam?' his face sombre, but for a dash of caring.

'Urh ... Yeah ... Would you mind ... Urm, very much, if I rang my brother-in-law? ... I do believe I need him here ... Right now ...'

I moved, with the weight of a ghost, towards the phone, punching in Stevie's number automatically. The troopers removed soaking coats and stood them by the doors, they knew it was about to become a very long night. Unfortunately, it was also about to become one that was to be a bearer of very bad news.

'Hi, speak ... And it better be good at this time of the damn morning,' a husky voice spoke down the line.

'Chels ... It's Tee ... Is Stevie there, please? ... I need to speak to him, sweetie,' my voice calm, somehow.

'Sure, sugar ... What's wrong? ... What's happened?' her tone suddenly full of questions when she recognised my voice.

I heard muttering in the background.

'Tee ...?' It was Stevie. 'Ya okay, honey? ... Do we have a problem?'

His serious voice was a welcome relief to my ears.

'Hold it together, come on,' the me in my head told me.

'Can you come over, right now, please?' I heard myself ask. 'I have two troopers in the den and I need you here ... I'm real scared, Stevie ...'

I was just about keeping it together.

'Sweet Jesus, yeah, I'll be right there, just hold on, honey, ya know ya can do this, okay?'

His sweet nature clung to his words as a blanket of hope fell, silently, onto my shoulders. Thank the Lord for Stevie, my friend and my family.

He, quiet, no music, just sobs, couldn't talk much after saying the words.

'... Honey, Max has got himself into a big mess ... We gotta go ...' A tear skipped down his cheek as he'd added, '... He needs ya move than ever now, sweetheart ... I'm so sorry ...'

I remember the numbness starting in my toes. I'd heard every word said, while I stood staring into that water-damaged night, but they didn't seem to be part of my universe, it was all beyond me.

A cold wash crept up my legs as the words snagged in my head, ' _he needs ya move than ever'_. I always needed to be with Max. Why was Stevie saying those words? At first I didn't understand what he meant, but his dear, sweet face had said something completely different.

I realised, then, it was going be a night like no other and one that was about to end all our dreams. I have never seen a man with a broken heart weep as much as Stevie did that night. That night took away all my love and all my feelings. It stripped away all my sunny meadows and late night loving. It stole my cares and my woes and it broke the very soul in me.

Those five hours weren't even a night, but it was the longest, hardest, most defeating one in all my life. How I wish, with all my heart, I could go back and have all our moments together again. Every second does count, and you never know when it will just stop.

I'd loved him for so long I'd never imagined my life without him. We'd had periods apart when we were pissed at each other, I admit, but we'd worked it out, and we never stopped the love. We had some real hum-dingers in the past but, whatever, we loved unconditionally, no questions asked. I was his and he was mine, it was as simple as that. Us, together, that's all that mattered.

He held on long enough for me to get there. The road, a flash of headlights, moved, distorted, through tears of bubbling pain as sorrow choked me all the way.

We raced to Calgary with our police escort, me wishing, 'Don't you dare leave me, Max Manley, you promised me, you said you wouldn't leave me, ever again ... Please, don't leave me here, alone, I can't do this without you ... Please, my love, hold on for me, I'm so near, I'm so very near, please, please, don't leave yet ... Not yet ...'

We ran up corridors, through doors, called lifts and moved with the wind at our heels to get to him. I saw Chelsea first and, running towards her, demanded, 'Where is he? WHERE IS HE?'

Beth stepped into view with her water streaked face, hanky in hand. No one spoke as I came to a halt. Chelsea's tears welled in her eyes as Stevie stopped beside me. Beth pointed to the door opposite and I was through it in a second.

The private space was quiet except for the machinery attached to him. My love, all blood and bandages, lay in that strange environment. He wasn't supposed to be there, he was meant to be at home, getting in my way as I made dinner. He should be kissing my neck and cussing at the sports channel. And, why wasn't he down in that bloody million dollar studio, writing music, and singing his lovely lungs out?

I fell into the chair next to the bed and ran my eyes up and down the shape under the blankets. His face had heavy bandaging as did his hands and arms. Blood matted the soft curls to the sides of his face. His eyes were closed, both swollen into blue/black mounds. I turned to see Stevie with a Doctor standing in the doorway. I rose to go and speak, but Stevie motioned me back to my charge.

Slowly, I ran my fingertips over his dry lips and waited for his eyes to flutter open. They didn't. My eyes flicked over his face as my hand slowly slid down his arm to his finger tips. There was no reaction when I picked them up and kissed them. I heard words behind me, lost a lot of blood, there were a few complications in surgery, blah, blah, blah.

I just wanted Max to wake up and say, 'Well, Missy, are ya sorry for what ya said now?' and laugh at my devastated look, but he didn't.

'Stevie, why won't he open his eyes?' I was looking at Max making it not be him in my head. 'This is all wrong ... Why won't he wake up? ... That isn't Max ... He said he wouldn't leave me again, Stevie ... He promised ...'

I stood and stalked from the room. Beth met me at the door and pulled me into her arms. I repeated it. '... It's not him, it can't be ... I can't do this, I simply can't, it's all wrong ...'

Turning away from her hand on my cheek and the tears in her eyes, I almost jogged for that exit.

The ladies behind me were a few paces from Max's door when Stevie hurried into the corridor and asked what was happening. He called after me but I kept right on walking, convinced he .

'Sugar, where ya going?' he asked, softly, as he drew level with me and placed his arm round my waist.

I turned to him, smiling, my tears making a wet mess of my face.

'... I can't do this, Stevie ... I can't be here and see this ...

'Arh, sugar,' he almost whispered, 'ya can't do that now ... We gotta stay here, Max needs us, he needs you ... You gotta stay, Tee, please?' He looked tired and cried out.

I put my cold hand to his warm and wet cheek.

'...Sorry, Stevie, but I gotta go, you know how much I hate hospitals ... Ring me when he wakes up, okay, I'll come back over then,' I said, turning for the door.

'Tee ...' he called, his face ashen from the news he'd just been given, '... Doc says he ain't gonna make it through this one ...'

I stopped. Everything stopped. It was cold, very cold, from my legs, moving upwards, it became a rinse of freezing air. The corridor was suddenly silent, as though everyone in the whole world had turned to face me, waiting for my next move.

'... Not this time,' Stevie continued. '... Please ... Don't leave him ... Not now ...'

The sobs started with the last of his words. He sunk down onto the seat beside him with his face in his hands and wept. Beth and Chelsea could only watch as the sound bounced from those sterile walls. He wilted, heart pouring into his palms, something inside him breaking.

My deep gasps of breath broke from me as I stumbled over to him. Dropping to my knees on the floor at his feet, huge tears dripped from my eyes, landing on the vinyl tiles. I felt fingers sink into my hair and arms enveloping me. We clung to one another as the tide of pain washed all the warmth from our worlds.

'... Sweet Jesus Christ ... Please ... Don't let my baby brother die ... Please don't take him back yet ... I love him so much,' was whispered into my hair, as his strong arms held me to him and his tears were monsoonal down his face.

Eventually his sounds reduced to big gulps of air and lowly sighs. Standing, he lifted me up and wiped away my tears.

'... I know he loves ya with all his big, ole, stupid heart, he told me a hundred times last evening ... He came straight to ours from Silver Spring, he left for the lodge cuz he knew ya'd go there looking for him ... He also knew he couldn't live without ya, he said ya were the one, ha, the sappy bast'd ... Sugar, I know ya can do this, but ya gotta be real strong here ...' His sad face smiled through his tears. 'I'm right there with ya, Tee, so please, be there with me too, cuz I can't do this without ya ...'

He gently held me in his arms and kissed me on the forehead. After wiping away his tears with the heels of his hands, he smiled.

'Come on, we can do this, together ... We can do this for Max, for Ma, for Chels and for us,' he nodded.

I sniffed back tears as the reality of the moment flooded back into my mind. The man in that bed was, indeed, Max. For Christ's sake, what the hell was I thinking? Why was I stood in the hall with a crying Stevie?

I kissed him on the lips, smiled, pathetically, and ran back to the room Max occupied. That whole event had taken just seconds out of my life, but they were also seconds I should have spent with Max, my friend, my love, and there he was.

Beth was sat beside him, holding his hand, as Chels stood by the window, looking out into the rainy night. As I slowly approached, Beth stood and insisted I sit.

'He's your husband, honey ... This is your time, together,' she smiled, moving to hug me while Stevie stood watching from the end of the bed.

I took Max's hand and looked up at Beth, asking, '... How's he doing? ... Any change or good news?'

I turned back to Max and traced my fingers lightly over his eyebrow. If anything would get a reaction, it should have been that. It always made his nose twitch when he was asleep. Surely there would be something, but there was nothing. He was in there, somewhere, lost and wandering in the numerous rooms of music and memories.

I sat on the bed beside him as she said, '... No, no changes I'm afraid ... He's in the hands of the good Lord now ... And I'm praying he don't want a whole bag a trouble like him ...'

The sad smile was reflected around the room as she moved to be in Stevie's arms.

I leant forward, my face against his pillow, and whispered, 'Honey, you have to wake up now ... It's time we went home and left these good people with an empty bed ...'

No sound but for the machine beating a hearty rhythm.

'Max, I love you so much, please, please, wake up ....' My tears stuck in my throat. 'I can't do this without you, please, wake up ... Please,' I whispered.

My breath caught and I stopped the heart-breaking sob before it escaped. I raised my head to look down at the broken body that was my love. Very gently I brushed my lips over his, making a tear brake free and skip down my cheek.

Kissing him gently, I held my breath and blinked away more warm water, my hand resting on his bandaged chest. I wanted to shake him and make him get up. I wanted to drag him from the bed and take him home. I wanted him to shout at me for being an arsehole or for drinking too much.

I needed him in my life to show me I was still alive and that I was loved. He was everything I'd searched for, my main-man, my lover, my best friend and my protector. There wasn't another man alive that could be, to me, what Max had become. He was my everything, and I wasn't about to let him slip away without a killer of a fight.

I rested forward onto his chest and listened to the slow beat of his heart. A whole life sat in there playing a song.

'Don't go, honey, just a little longer ... I love you so much ... Please, please, don't leave me now.'

I kissed the gaps in the bandages and rubbed my cheek against the bare flesh that was visible. His aroma held a collection of instant images which flashed behind my closed eyes. I saw his gorgeous face, smiling, his laugh and the way he held me, the honeymoon nights, my birthdays, and the hours spent in that bloody meadow.

The machines burst into a maddening array of sounds as I landed back into myself. The shock of the noise made me jump from the bed as a horde of nurses and a Doctor rushed into the room. Stevie caught me around the shoulders and removed me from the panic at Max's bedside. A new horror emerged as the crash-cart sped in and fulfilled its job description.

Suddenly, all eyes were on me, as I stood to watch, hoping, praying, and all the other things you do, when you see love dying before your very eyes. They worked on him awhile, but couldn't stabilise him. His body was slowly giving up and his heart was struggling to stay.

'Maxwell, Charles, Manley, don't you dare die on me ... FIGHT FOR US ... PLEASE,' I cried over the noise and heads of the people attending him.

Chaos of a different kind acted out some futile task in an effort to keep my love alive for just a little while longer. He was fighting, and I held onto that with all my strength and soul. Willing him not to give up, willing him to hear me and give me a sign he was still with me, anything to make him come back to me, anything.

The last thing in the world I wanted to hear, right then, were those words from that stupid Doctors mouth.

'Okay, guys ... I'm calling it ... Time?'

And that was it, the end of our chapter.

Misty Eyes Will Cry

I'm not really sure what happened next. I remember the room seemed very white, a harsh whiteness that pales everything else into insignificance. Mouths were moving, as were people, but there was no sound. They moved in a dream like way, slowly, but with purpose. A Doctor's sympathetic smile sat before me uttering words I didn't understand. The world moved on, but I was frozen in an utterly heart-breaking nightmare that was stealing my love away from me.

I watched as the room emptied of coats and scrubs, still holding my breath, still no sound. It seemed like an age before I saw Stevie and Beth move passed me towards the bed. Stevie, in slow motion, fell to his knees as his faced contorted into a mask of angry tears. Beth fell across Max, her head to his chest. I couldn't move. I was watching from the outside, and finding it hard to understand the drama that was unravelling before me.

Chelsea came into my vision, her face a river of tears, her lips moving but, still, I couldn't hear her words. She moved to be with Stevie, her arms around him, hugging him to her waist.

I didn't feel anything, I didn't say anything. I stood alone as my life ceased to be, my reason for breathing had just left the building.

That lungful of stale air, the one I'd held for a lifetime, was expelled under the guise of a long cry of pain, which started in my chest then ran a course to my lips. I pushed a fist into my mouth so the volume could be controlled. A fire, as hot as hell, burst through my body as all my love and dreams fled from the world. A cold cloud floated down from above and leeched, what warmth was left, from my being. That was it then, that was our final moments.

No more, 'I love ya, ya crazy woman ...' No more kisses in the night. No more fingers to my cheek and lips to mine. No more sexy smiles and sparkling eyes. No more Christmases, no more birthdays, no more love, no more us and no more we. My nightmare just kept on giving.

I was almost crumbling with grief as I looked at my love in the bed before me. Stevie was attached to Chelsea's hips, Beth in a chair opposite, her face against Max's hand. I could just make out weeping as my senses came back to me, the sound a low hum against the noise beyond the closed door.

I moved, a foot at a time, to reach the bed, that's all I could do, and to perch next to my silent Max. Sore eyes studied a face with no emotion or colour. I leant forward and kissed his still warm lips. The tears leaked from me as I smiled and started to take away the bandages covering his face. I needed to see him, one last time. I didn't care if he was a mess in there. I just needed to see him.

Finishing my procedure, I dropped them onto the floor and surveyed the damage. It wasn't that bad, really. His nose was broken and a deep gash ran his left cheek down to his jaw. I followed down to his arms and removed those too. Cuts and bruises mainly, and an elbow in a bad mess, but otherwise not too gruesome. A huge surgery scar cut a path across the flat skin of his perfect belly, the staples, a line of silver soldiers, stood to attention. His chest bandages, that had been cut away, showed the huge bruises from where the steering wheel had crushed his ribs. I traced them gently with my fingers.

'You silly sod ... What am I going to do, now, without you? Why d'ya have to go and get all smashed up, you silly, silly sod ...'

The others were sat crying into each other's arms. I glanced over my shoulder and turned back to Max's unchanged face.

'... It isn't meant to end like this, Mister Manley ... We've got unfinished business, you and I, and who's gonna help me now?'

I fell silent as my head landed on his chest. We've all said that's the saddest thing I ever heard, well, that was the saddest thing I never heard. The sea of tears came again as I finally realised he was really gone. I would have given everything, anything, my soul, my heart, my whole being, and everything besides, just to hear one more little beat. Just one. Just one, that's all. But it didn't come. And I died inside.

Stevie, Beth and Chelsea stayed silent as I took his hand, raised it up and placed it against my wet cheek, then closed my eyes. I heard music and a voice so sweet it slowly squeezed the life from my heart. The tears ran as I found myself humming my favourite Ea$y track, _You Should Know_. I could see him, singing it to me, all those months ago in the den.

His voice had been in perfect harmony as the lyrics tripped from his tongue. I'd stood in awe watching from the den archway. He was miles away looking out the window across the trees to the mountains beyond.

I'd abandoned dinner and was sat, cross-legged before him, listening. His lovely face, alive as he crooned through the second verse and chorus, smiled down at me as he reached parts that had a special meaning for us alone. My face had been all smiles and giggles as he'd explained how he'd walk forever to be the one at my side. He'd give it all just to be with me, and would always need me there.

'Now, that's a song I wrote for ya, honey ... Hope ya like it!' he'd smiled at me, placing his acoustic against the couch.

My answer had been my arms flung around his neck, as I yanked him onto the floor and covered his face with kisses. The loving that came after was long and gentle. The kind of loving where the memories keep you warm on a lonely night. Damn Max and his slow hand, dinner was a complete write-off.

Stevie's hand on my shoulder brought me back to that hideous room with its smells of death and the real world, one I didn't want to be in anymore. Max's fingers were colder as I laid them down on his chest and smiled at his lovely face, so still and peaceful.

'Stevie, I wanna go home,' I said, fighting to keep the tears well back. 'Max has gone now, I can't feel him in here anymore ... Have you noticed that?' My dry, calm voice was a surprise, even to myself. 'Could you phone a driver for me, please?'

A bereaved face looked down at me, tired with emotion and loss. He squeezed my shoulder as he walked to the door with Chelsea and Beth. They would wait for me to say my goodbyes, Max and I needed that time together, alone.

'... I never got to say I was sorry ... If we had our time, again, I'd tell you, every day, what you mean to me, not that you don't know.'

I placed a hand against his cool cheek.

'... I found so much love with you.' I huffed out a laugh. 'Even when you drive, drove me crazy.'

A tear ran to my chin leaving a cold line. It dawned on me how hard it is to focus when your eyes keep on filling with tears. Everything was hard to do.

'You're my whole reason for being here, did you know that? I would never have come this far without you, and in so many ways ... I'm gonna miss you so very much ... How am I gonna get by without seeing your lovely face or hearing your wonderful laugh? Your smile will haunt me until my dying day, Max Manley ... Why the hell did you have to go, now, just when we were warming up?'

A single tear trickled down my face and dropped onto my lap.

'... I have to go now, but you know that too ... I never thought I would ever walk away from you again ... I'll always love you, and I'll miss you, and I'll remember you forever and into the next life, and I promise, I'll find you, I swear ... I'll hunt you down, and I'll find you ...'

I leant forward to kiss the lips I would never kiss again, as the flood gates to my heart opened. I clung to him as all my pain and sorrow escaped in a tornado of emotion as reality hit home. So, that awful sound I heard in my chest was, in fact, my heart breaking. That was them, our final moments. How was I ever going to get passed that day without him in my life? I just wanted him back. I kissed his eyelids, his forehead and his palms. Those were our final kisses, the kisses to end all kisses.

'Goodbye, you,' I smiled down at the man who had been my world for so long. 'Sleep well, and know this ... I'll love you forever ... And whatever you say, I'll always love you more ...'

My voice was a whisper to his ear as my shattered heart turned inwards and away from the darkest of worlds.

Lost and Alone

By the time I got home it was dawn. The rain hadn't stopped all night, and the mountain road was a torrent as we climbed towards the lodge. Joey had come and collected me, his friendly, but tear streaked face appearing like magic. He hugged me to him as we ran from the rear exit to the 4x4 in the pouring rain. The Press had got wind of the story and they were swarming the main lobby of the hospital in hope of some photos.

The journey was a quiet one, me thinking and looking out the window, him silently trying to understand what had just happened. Intermittently wiping tears from cheeks, I was lost in a daydream as sweet as Max himself. I found myself chuckling as silly memories tripped through my mind. A flood of tears would follow when reality slapped me in the face again.

Joey held the door and umbrella as I climbed out, the rain, a river down the drive. He hugged me to him as we climbed the stairs. I unlocked the door with Max's keys. The cold silence that greeted me fired a chill through my bones. The sound of an empty house is the hardest thing to listen to, especially when you know that space will never be filled again by he who should fill it.

I told Joey he could go home, he'd been told by Stevie to stick around, but I assured him I'd be fine. He relented when I told him I was taking a hot bath and then going to bed, and happier when I said I'd have his number on speed dial, just in case I needed anything. I ushered him out of the door with a hug and teary smile, then waved him away up the drive. Walking back into the empty void, I stood and glanced around me. Max's smell held a heavy cloud of memories.

'I miss you, I miss you, I miss you,' were the only words I could say into the emptiness, before falling to my knees, sobbing into my hands, my heart breaking all over again.

Balled up, there on the floor, as the sadness leaked from my pours and into the nothingness my life had suddenly become, I realised, I was completely alone and belonged nowhere. The tears stopped as I climbed to my feet and looked, slowly, around me. The floor, the ceilings, the walls and through the serving area into the kitchen. I hated it all, every single inch of the shitty place.

Turning, I walked over to the huge oak mirror that hung above the sideboard. Eye to eye we stood, me and her. What I saw in that reflection wasn't me. I didn't recognise her, at all. Those sad, grey eyes, those panda-rings and that sad, gaunt face? Nah, she wasn't anyone I knew. Rotating round to look back into the room, I hardly even noticed the telephone ringing behind me.

The silence being broken exploded a spontaneous anger from my core. Grabbing the phone and the cable, I yanked it from the wall and smashed it into the kitchen floor tiles. Pieces of it came to rest by the backdoors. My left arm then instinctively ran a line along the top of the sideboard, sending all the books, photos and other crap, flying onto the floor, the fan of Ea$y's paperwork the start of things to come.

This led me to the Tiffany vase full of flowers that stood on the box table by the supasofa. That disintegrated when it collided with the archway. Blooms and a shower of crystal shards cascaded in all directions across the couch and floor. I looked around the room I suddenly despised, panting, my blood a loud rush in my ears.

I couldn't stand it anymore. I could hear him and almost touch his presence. I couldn't face being surrounded by him and not having him. A huge scream broke from my body as I pushed my fingers into my hair, the power enough to render me deaf to the chaos my life had just become.

I turned, rushing for the door and away down the steps I fled, the pain an aura engulfing me. I followed the path to the stream, the rain from the trees soaking me. Into the fast water, I crashed, slipping onto my knees, and still the sobs broke free. Onto my feet, through the gate and into the meadow, I ran.

The rain and wind cut along the tops of the grasses, bending them sideways, almost to the ground. I ran and ran with that apathetic weather to my face. I ran, as fast as I could, my baking blood crashing through my head, as I snatched breaths from the air, and my jellied legs bullied me into moving. I slowly came to a faltering stop, turning my face up to the storm raging above me.

I cried into that cloud filled, unlimited extent above, 'PLEASE ... Don't leave me here ... YOU SAID YOU WOULDN'T LEAVE ME ... YOU PROMISED, MAX ...'

My words echoed away into the noisy sky.

'... DON'T LEAVE ME ... Please ...'

Turning, crying, and showing my grief to the heavens, I silently prayed to be taken, my plea answered by a huge clap of thunder.

'... I MISS YOU ... AND I WANT YOU BACK, NOW ... I LOVE YOU, MAX ... With all my heart, with all my heart ...'

My words were stolen by the wind. They also took the last of my strength as I dropped, liked a dead man, knees down into that waterlogged soil. My hair and clothes stuck to me as I sunk my fingers into the mud. Repeatedly I cried his name into the core of me, the sound a sad whisper scattered to the storm.

As the cold rain fell, to mix with my warm tears, I lost myself to the numbness. With chin to chest, and my hands resting on my thighs, palms up, I listened to the beat of the rain. Looking down, I couldn't tell what was dripping into my upturned hands. Isn't funny how tears and rain are just the same.

And then, there he was, walking towards me, calling my name. I could see his shape and hear his voice in the rain. Did my eyes behold an angel? I held my breath as the sound grew closer, the deluge of droplets washing the salty water from my upturned face. As our eyes met, my elated heart became a sinking wreck once more. It was Stevie.

Falling to his knees before me, tears to his cheeks, I ran my dripping hand from his forehead down to his chin, the movement a gentle act. Slowly, his eyes opened to look at me, and there was Max.

The sob caught in me as he smiled and tears trickled down his cheek. My friend was breaking inside, just the same as I. We both saw it at the same time and in the same place. That sudden embrace was our only way of holding onto the love we still had for Max. Both of us, being a connection to him, had nowhere else to go and that, there, was as close to Max as we could get.

The next few days I spent in limbo walking the lodge and hearing my name called, only to see no one there. I caught his movements in my peripheral vision and would cry myself to sleep, alone. First thing in the morning, if I laid still and quiet, things were just the same for a few seconds. Willing him to walk through the door, I longed for him and his unforgettable laugh. I silently prayed to die just to be back in his arms. What was my life without him? 'Is there really any point in me still being here?' I asked myself, every day.

I openly promised Satan my soul to get my love back and to have his lips against mine, for a single second. I would have offered up my entire worldly goods just to touch his face and feel his warmth against me once more. I lost myself in a dream world as I clutched a photo of him to me. I cried in the shower, in the kitchen, and in the den. I screamed and drank and retreated to a place so dark I was happily blind. If numbness was to be my partner, and pain my pal, I thought it was only right that we all hang out, together, and get totally shitfaced. So we did.

Stevie tried to console me as we broke to pieces in each other's arms. We held to each other on the kitchen floor and in the games room, at the bar, by the doors. I clung to him when he found me in the studio. He carried me, weeping, from the meadow where he found me in the rain, the day my world stopped turning. He stayed with me, when I tried to drink myself to death, then, as I lost my stomach lining down the loo, he held water to my lips.

Whereas he never left me lonely, Chels, bless her, tried to cope with me the best she could. Even she saw the awaiting death in my eyes and tried to pull me from the edge. Beth wanted to help but was advised by Stevie it wasn't a good idea. I wasn't doing very well at mending, so I was killing time, before it killed me.

I disappeared in the Camaro and was found in C.C.'s, pissed as a fart and about to pass out. Stevie got the call from the Bar owner, Bill. They'd known each other for years. They'd become acquainted via the numerous benders Max had been on. I think I've probably mentioned this before.

Stevie would usually get the call at blah o'clock. 'Hey, dude, it's Bill, ya bro's here, shitfaced, again ... Can ya come and get him while I still got a bar left, please? ... Thanks.'

That night, when the call came, it was the same, but regarding a different problem.

'Hey, dude, it's Bill, ya Sister-in-law's here and, well, she's proving to be a bit of a handful ... Can ya come and get her, please ... She's dancing on the bar, again, and starting up a right mess of trouble? ... Thanks ...'

The press were kept away from the lodge by our local security firm and Joey's henchmen. No one came near, I was glad of that, and retreated to the games room with my painting of Max. I slept on couches or wherever I fell down, blind drunk.

Chelsea found me, one morning, asleep on the pool table, wearing Max's Led Zeppelin t-shirt and his old Nirvana teabag sweatshirt. The painting I did of him was laying next to me, my arm over it in a protective way. She'd wept as she'd gone to get Stevie to move me from my place of rest, the Jack bottle and painting left where they were.

I was haunted every moment I was conscious and thought I was slowly losing my mind. His voice was a constant whisper in my brain. I could smell him, feel him and it stripped me apart. I didn't care, and if my time was to come, I would have accepted it graciously and everyone saw that in me. The nights alone were the hardest, so I just stopped sleeping. I smoked weed all night as I drank my memories into nothing. I ate when I wanted, I cried when I wanted, I screamed when I wanted, and I died a little every day.

As I resigned myself to a life in purgatory, I ripped the lodge apart. I wanted to burn it down and leave the ashes to the wind. The rooms held moments so hard to recall that my screams would rise and break from me in a tide of grief. I tried to erase that sweet face, but it killed me more for not seeing it. Tired and cut into pieces, my hollow shell walked empty rooms to see his empty clothes abandoned over silent chairs.

I listened, repeatedly, to his voice message. I ripped through the studio searching for him on out-takes, anything that would put him in the same room as me. Eyes closed, I'd reach out for him, but find only empty air. With the pain trapped within, his words forced a smile onto my face as they embraced me and kissed my skin. I would have done anything to have him with me again, anything to stop the bottomless pit that held my endless feelings of despair.

Chels took JR and went to stay with Beth in the end. She said she couldn't stay to watch me self-destruct anymore, and who could blame her. Stevie decided I needed some form of monitoring and had stuck around since that God awful day.

He'd taken to sleeping in the guest suite next to the studio. He said he couldn't sleep if I wasn't, and I was making a shit load a noise most nights. The amazement was evident on his face if he came up in the morning to no devastated rooms. One morning he found me in a pile of debris, surrounded by broken glass and out for the count, the poor sod.

I'd slept on the couch, again, wrapped in Max's big knit cardigan and wearing little else. An empty Jack bottle lay next to me, the other one, against the skirting of the far den wall, was in many pieces. Our photos were spread out and covered the floor. A black and white one was screwed up in my hand. Max and Stevie in Amsterdam, a fabulous time of echoed laughter and nights with my favourite people, stoned as fuck.

No Way Back

So, the days before the funeral were a tide of emotions and paperwork. I did the emotions as Stevie did the paperwork. The Will was read at the lodge with everybody present and correct. Max had left me well provided for but, so what, I didn't want anything but him.

I sat and listened as the lodge and studio were left to Stevie, along with the cars and motorcycle collection, on condition that I always had access to them and my office retreat. Jewellery and money went to Chelsea, along with his old acoustic, the one moment that made me smile, as did she. Beth received a handsome sum of money, his beautiful antique gold pocket watch, and a few other mementoes that she would come to treasure. All in all, it wasn't too painful, and was over soon enough.

The funeral, unfortunately, was a different matter altogether. Thank the Gods I had Stevie there to help me with that one. I wanted Max cremated so I could keep his ashes until I died, we could then be scattered together when the time came. Everybody seemed happy with that, although Beth would have preferred a grave to visit.

I explained there would be a place of memorial established nearby, probably near the stream, if Stevie didn't mind. He thought that would be a wonderful idea and hugged me to hide his tear filled approval.

A sea of a thousand faces hovered passed my vision in the hours of added pain I endured. I shook hands and grinned from under my black veil. The Church in Calgary was packed with people from all over the world whilst hordes stood outside, fans and well-wishers, all with that same sad look.

The guys from the band were the pallbearers, plus three more guys from the Funeral Directors. Beth spent most of her time keeping me upright and dabbing at her eyes. Chelsea wept, continuously, as she stood beside me, or when she was hand in hand with Stevie. His eyes, red and sore from tears, never left that casket, as the flowers, piled high, slowly crept a beautiful scent throughout the space around it.

Stevie's words about his baby brother smiled down on us from where he spoke. The boyhood memories poured from his heart as Max and he ran wild on the farm again. They were crazy teenagers who found grunge and formed a band with school friends. They persevered with the turmoil, along with their struggle to be noticed and recognised as serious musicians. The friends they'd made, the bonds they'd forged, and the love they'd seen.

Stevie's hand came up to his face as a gasp for air pushed more tears from his eyes. Unable to face us all anymore, he turned slightly to hide. I stood, moved towards him, and gently placed my hand on his exposed wrist.

'Stevie, come on ... We can do this,' I whispered. 'You're doing really well ... I'll stay here with you, it's okay, sweetie.'

I blinked my eyes, hard, to tip the tears over the rims, and stood watching him.

Wiping his tears away with the heels of his hands, he turned to me and, whispered, with a smile, 'Man, I miss him so much, Tee ...'

The sadness on his face was enough to break through any frozen heart.

'I know, sweetie, I miss him so much too ... Let's do the best we can right now, huh?'

More tears stung my eyes. Squeezing his arm, gently, I moved to stand beside him, clutching his hand in mine as he resumed his lovely memories.

His final words were about Max, me and our fairy-tale wedding. My grip tightened, my eyes closing, as my mind swam with the gorgeous memories of that day. Stevie said he was so proud to be our Best Man, and his hand squeezed mine back as he talked about the covert operation. His saddest words came as he spoke about his future without Max. He wasn't sure if he'd ever get over losing his partner in crime, his partner in music, and his partner in play.

I walked him back to his seat so we could hear a song Beth had chosen. A guy I'd seen from somewhere before stepped up onto the podium beyond where Max rested. In from the other side, stepped a girl I remember seeing at the last awards ceremony in L.A. They stopped near the front, took their mikes, and then turned to our little, sad party. With tired eyes, they nodded, right on cue.

As soon as the live strings and cellos started, I was lost to the melody of 'The Prayer'. As everyone around me asked those lyrics of the Lord, I was asking Max to do them for us. My prayer was that he came to rest with our son in his arms and that, together, they would wait for me. I would be with them, one day, and I really do cherish that thought to my heart, and to this day.

I held it together right up until the end. When Stevie's hand slithered into mine, I turned my face to the vaulted ceiling, only to have the tears take a different path down my cheeks.

When they finished, with the most fantastic of resonant endings, there was complete silence. But we all came too, soon enough, when the God Man stepped forwards. It was time to pray for Max.

Once silence fell over the congregation, I numbly stood and walked to the front. I wasn't there to reminisce, I was there to recite my heart and tell the world how my life had changed. Pulling the paper from my clutch bag, I moved nearer the microphone.

Before I started, I took a moment to gaze around that vast space. I picked people out I knew, the sad faces of Dan, Jake, Winnie, Walt, Gina, Vern, Gee, Craig, Mickey, Joey, Hatch and Shay, the list went on. I smiled under my veil as I choked back tears. So many people knew him, and there were all there to say goodbye. I found it was a great comfort to me in those moments.

'... Hello ...'

I spoke quietly at first, testing the water, but then cleared my throat.

'... Sorry ... I'd just like to thank you all for coming today ... It might not look it, but it does mean a lot to Max's family and me, so, thanks again ...'

I nodded and looked over at the flower covered casket where the love of my life was, and willed back those tears.

'... I wrote something ... It's called Coming Home ...'

I smiled down at my adopted family. Beth, her proud face, turned towards me, beamed up as Chelsea's hand held tightly to Stevie's. His other was up to his face shielding his eyes from the world as the teardrops fell from his chin. I cleared my throat, once more, then started.

'... I remember a time when my life was a jewel, I held it in my hands and it shone for the world to see ... But, now, it's broken, and I don't want it anymore ...'

My voice rose to the rafters as my eyes filled to bursting.

'... Constantly finding I don't belong here, facing a routine I detest in a place I despise ... It's crushing me into a corner that hates everything about me ... And, here I stand, wishing I was going home ...'

I could feel the tears trying to push their way out, but I was determined to make it through.

'... There's no one there who misses me for the world ... There's no words meant to be tender or forgiving ... There's no smile of affection when my day has killed me ... There's just this big, fat nothing ...'

I knew I was running out of time, tick-tock, tick-tock.

'... I still look for you in my days ... I still hope you'll visit me in my dreams ... But, you don't, and that's expected I guess ... So, now, I call this my coming home ... Thank you ...'

The whole church sat in silence, I heard the odd cough and sniff as I folded the paper back into its square and walked the steps to where Max was rested. I pulled my black velvet glove off my hand, to kiss the tips of my fingers, before placing them on the brass name plaque.

'... Goodnight, my love ... Till we meet again,' I whispered.

Turning away, and calmly walking back to my seat, no one would have known that, yet again, my world was crumbling within. I'd, eventually, lost it all again.

It was as we were leaving the church, and Max was being placed into the Limo, that I noticed a group of young girls, probably mid-teens, stood crying, huddled together. They held a mix of flowers, crushed to their chests, as they shared their sorry with us. I don't know why I did what I did, but I turned and looked at my little party and thought, 'I want all these flowers ...'

'JOEY, HATCH, stop the Limo, please ... Chels, Stevie, help me ... Everyone, help me ...'

Walking over to the young groupies, I took their flowers and gave them a hug over the barrier. Their faces collapsed as the embrace hit them and their tears became unstoppable.

Moving on along the line of faces my arms filled with various blooms. Guests joined in, passing bouquet sized quantities over to the boys, who were then loading them into the back of the Limo with Max. There were so many bunches, and from people all over the world. How amazing was that? All those people loved him as much as we did. I found that incredible.

The proceeding crematorium service was for immediate family, and the closest of friends, only. Another ceremony saw me a million miles away and not there, in that building, at all. For me, Max had gone, days ago, now I was living in the past for a while. What we were doing there meant nothing to me. With his spirit filling my heart and soul, I would never be without him again.

After we'd said the last of our tear filled goodbyes, we travelled back to meet everyone else at the Fairmont Hotel, another journey of silence and one word answers. The sea of saddened faces eventually became more of a chore and, so, my exit became imminent. Leaving the celebration to the songs I'd heard a million sodding times already, I left with Joey, who drove me back to the lodge, alone.

I ended the day with a walk down to the meadow. Slipping off my sandals, I paddled across the stream. The walk through the trees had been cool in comparison to the sunlight on the other side of the water. I stood and squinted from the gate, my hand across my brows, while my eyes adjusted to the glare.

The last of the warm breezes moved across the grass in a perfect wave, the sigh carried away in the warm air. Opening the gate, I walked a path into it, picking a stalk and winding it around my fingers. The sun's warm touch was a welcome caress to my face after my long, last, farewell to the love of my life. I was glad to be there instead.

Big Boy was standing, away, off in the distance. As soon as he heard the gate click his head snapped up and turned my way. The whinny he threw into the warm day carried down to where I watched from. He instantly bolted from the ridge down towards me, his head held high and his tail to match.

Coming to a halt just before me, he started nudging me with his big, ole head. Soft lips touched my hair, my ear, my face, and then nibbled at my skirt pocket, knowing it hid a mint or two. I made my usual fuss of him, while he munched, and I explained my day so far.

His head nodded a big yes, as if he agreed with what I was saying, his tongue sticking out as the mints took hold of his taste buds. As I ambled further into the field, he wandered along behind me but held a few paces back.

My tears had ended by the time I'd returned to the lodge. The smile I carried, then, was a memory of my time there with Max. I caught sight of him as he moved by me, you know, laughing. I watched as his ghost shimmered and dissolved into the distance. There was still room for sadness, but I had to start again, knowing it was going to have to be without him.

I'd also made a few decisions in the previous couple of days. I'd decided to move to Silver Spring indefinitely. I couldn't live at the lodge, alone, to be constantly reminded by Max's ghost. As much as Stevie didn't want me to leave, I knew I couldn't stay. As I told him, it was Max's place first, and it didn't feel right me being there without him filling it, as much as I loved it. I'd also had to remind him I'd be staying over when I needed the office, and I was leaving Big Boy there, after all. He couldn't get rid of me that easily.

He'd smiled as he'd said, 'Phew, thank fuck for that ... Thought ya were dumping me then ... Don't do that to me, woman ...'

The smile that had radiated from his face touched a space in me, it was the one that Max used to fill. Damn those delicious smiles.

The daydream had made me blind to the distance I'd walked. I stood at the borderline leaning against the wooden fence rail and studied the view. I had, eventually, become a part of that land, those mountains, those trees, and everything that made that spot the place to be. Yet another reminder of Max, there, spread before me, lay my stunning birthday present, my beautiful meadow.

In the distance I could see the dust thrown up on the road to the mountains. The dry air was heavy to breathe and felt warm as it entered my nostrils. The occasional breeze carried the warm scent of meadow flowers, and the odd bee tumbled by in search of its source. Outside of that, the only other thing around were the birds diving and climbing in the blue above. I watched them and their acrobatics in a space a mile high. How lucky they were, they could just up and go when they wanted. I smiled, but envied them their ability, nonetheless.

I dropped my blade of grass and turned homewards, Big Boy still in tow. My path was easy to see into the distance, as it led back to the stream. The gentle roll of the land lay out before me as I ambled back the way I'd come, burning into me the memory of that place.

The posh car sat on the drive told me someone was about. I walked around to the front steps and climbed them to the main doors. Sat on the balcony, by the den windows, was my darling friend, Stevie. His sad smile greeted me, as I walked towards him with more tears on the rise. His arms instantly opened, and I walked straight into them. For that moment in time, it was the best place in the world for me to be.

Last Breath

So, anyway, I'm sat on the veranda at the house in Silver Spring writing this. I can't believe Max has been gone so many months already. He'd find it funny to think that his life was worthy of so many words. He never was a big reader, you know, unless it had something to do with speed or music that is. Most of the books in the lodge library are mine, let's face it.

I think about him every day and dream about him every night. I'm forever talking to him around the house and garden, on a regular basis, like you do. I can have a whole conversation with his ashes and don't mind living with his ghost anymore. I would feel strange without it now I guess.

Stevie and I designed a memorial spot by the stream. A local Woodsman came down to the big fallen pine and carved the most amazing likeness of Max's fave electric guitar into it. The snazzy V-shaped body is blatant to see, and the way he did the strings, well...

Beth loves it too, I often see her down there from my office window, and she'll inevitably pop in for a coffee, after she's placed her meadow flowers nearby. Max's ashes are in a beautifully carved box, done by the same guy, which sits on my desk to keep him near. Another reason for Beth's visit, she always says hi and bye to them. A force of habit I'm afraid.

So, anyway, life goes on and the seasons will change as the months roll by. The future, I had wished for us, is now a thing made of dreams, and he's still alive in mine, so it's all good really. There's a part of him that will, forever, live on that mountain, and I know he's still there too. If you stand real still, you can feel him move passed you in the current of the breeze. He will, also, be with me as I watch JR grow too, as I already see his reflection in the face of that bubbly child, the eyes all Max.

Well, that's my life without him, so far. Since moving to the country a few changes have come about. Winnie found me some new companionship, a chubby chocolate Labrador puppy, who I seem to call Numb Nuts, but whose real name is Ziggy. I've also found Big Boy a friend. Remember the lazy mare I rode that day at Stevie's place, well, she's all mine and now called Misses BB. Life is full still, somehow, and it suits me for the moment.

But, regardless of that, know this. From all the sorrow and loss, from all the heartbreak and hard work, from all the giving and the taking, came something far more precious than any dream ever dreamt. I did find the one and I would, without a doubt, do it all again in a heartbeat, just to relive those years with him.

We worked together for, and loved, the life we had, and I can honestly say, I don't regret one single second of it. I was one of the lucky few, I think, and I was truly blessed to have found so much love in this world. I knew I could never give up hope of finding that one small treasure and, eventually, I did find it. In the end, he was it, my best friend, my lover. My wonderful, crazy Max.

### ~

'... _Now... Girlypeeps n Gentledudes... I give you, the rocking, the shocking, the mad, the bad, those Masters of Mosh, those erasers of eardrums ... Let's hear a big ole Blighty welcome for... The one, the only...'_

'... Eeeasy...'

(... and the crowd goes wild ...)

### Tornado (Win This Fight)

I take care of everything that I could ever need, the deepest cuts remind me I still bleed. I watch the world from tired eyes, amazed I made it through. I hope it wasn't all in vain, again, to have this dream come true, to have this dream come true.

Don't hold me back this time, let me see the light, I've got to take this chance, I need to win this fight. It'll never be the same cuz now I'm in control, now I'm claiming back all the parts of me you stole. With my back against the wall, you left me with no pride, I walked away encasing a broken soul inside. Don't hold me back this time, I need to see the light, I gotta take the chance, maybe get a final glance. I just need to win this fight, just need to win this fight.

After everything I struggle to remember who I am, if it wasn't so important then I would not give a damn. I'm waiting for the moment I can hold my head up high, and even if I fall again I know I have to try.

Don't hold me back this time, let me see the light, I've got to take this chance, I need to win this fight. It'll never be the same cuz now I'm in control, now I'm claiming back all the parts of me you stole. With my back against the wall, you left me with no pride, I walked away encasing a broken soul inside. Don't hold me back this time, I need to see the light, I gotta take the chance, maybe get a final glance. I just need to win this fight.

And have this dream come true.

### You Know You Don't

Guess they all say, that day, you stole her soul away. You felt like taking a young kid, and then you did the things you did. Well, you fucked her life, made her your wife. You had a kid to burn, and now it's your turn.

You're gonna feel the pain, a hammer to the brain, then when you think I'm done, I'm gonna start again. Cuz you're one screwed up motherfucker, and you know you don't deserve to live.

Down, down, going down, down, down, going down.

You'll see how this time, the beating fits your crime. I'm gonna take back for her everything that you stole. Now it's my fist, your face, carving up this place. I'm gonna string ya up, screaming, take my time, no lies.

You're gonna feel the pain, a hammer to the brain, then when you think I'm done, I'm gonna start again. Cuz you're one screwed up motherfucker, and you know you don't deserve to live.

Down, down, going down, down, down, going down.

It's going on too long, thinking this is all wrong. You're gonna be there crying, thinking you're dying. Too late, can't wait, now I'm here to state. You had a kid to burn, and now it's your turn.

You're gonna feel the pain, my hammer in your brain. Then when you think I'm done, I'm gonna start again. Cuz you're one screwed up motherfucker, and we know ya don't deserve to live.

Down, down, going down.

You're gonna feel the pain, my hammer in your brain. Then when you think I'm done, I'm gonna start again . Cuz you're one screwed up motherfucker, and we know ya don't deserve to live.

### Honestly

I can't be left lonely, why can't I touch you, honestly? You make it way too easy when you decide you're gonna call. I'm pacing by my phone cuz I know you won't be on your own. It kills me just to know, this time, oh yeah.

I'm calling out your name; I need ya to be here with me, yeah. I'm calling out your name; I need ya to be here with me, oh, yeah.

It's what we've both needed, a way to find out if we care. It's what you want to make it; you know. I'll never let it go. Pacing by your phone cuz ya know I might not be alone. It kills ya not to know, this time, oh yeah.

I'm calling out your name, I need ya to be here with me, yeah. I'm calling out your name, I need ya to be here with me.

See, all the pain I feel, it's rising up inside of me, all the pain I feel, it's rising up inside me now. It's rising inside me, it's rising inside me, it's rising inside me, now

I'm calling out your name; I need ya to be here with me, yeah. I'm calling out your name; I need ya to be here with me.

See, all the pain I feel, it's rising up inside of me, all the pain I feel, it's rising up inside me.

It's rising now

### You Make Me See

It's your love that keeps me warm, on these cold and lonely nights. When there's a thousand miles between us, and I'm getting tired of the lights. I see your face behind my closed eyes, I'd give it all to have you here. Just for one moment, in the darkness, I could make my feelings clear. It's not forever I know for sure, it's the price we pay when I'm on tour. But I won't be long, I'm nearly done, so just stay strong, cuz, baby, you're the one.

I feel your love across the miles, and hear your voice when I'm alone. It's never easy when I need you, it won't be long before I'm home. So just remember, when all is said and done. You make me see, all the good things I can be

It feels so right when you're beside me, I couldn't live without your touch. And I know if you weren't part of me, I'd be blinded to so much. Your loving washes over me, I need to feel it every day. So if you ever doubt me, honey, just listen when I say. I won't be long, I'm nearly done, so just stay strong, cuz, baby, you're the one.

I feel your love across the miles, and hear your voice when I'm alone. It's never easy when I need you, it won't be long before I'm home. So just remember, when all is said and done. You make me see, all the good things I can be.

So if you ever doubt me, honey, just listen when I say. I won't be long, I'm nearly done, so just stay strong, cuz baby, you're the one. Yeah, I won't be long, I'm nearly done, so just stay strong... Cuz, baby you're the one.

### In Your Mouth

Faking as I'm taking, I don't care about the breaking, I can promise you a hot trip. Do you wanna see my best trick, come on? Can you be my Bitch Queen, the hottest thing that I've seen? I wanna get the next kiss cuz I gotta get to taste this, come on.

We can make it dirty, going all night long. We can do it in the shower, if ya legs feel strong. So less about the bruising, it's all about the cruising. I'm reeling with the feeling that this must be wrong.

_You make me hot_ , so dance around the bedroom, honey. _You make me crazy_ , with nothing but your sexy high heels on. _You little teaser_ , tonight I know it's only just beginning. _We'll take it slow_ , I like it when you let me stand and watch. It's so much sweeter when you let me put it in, cuz, baby, you know I love it. When you put it in your mouth.

Dirty little play thing, I wanna taste your hot skin, I'm smiling while I'm lying. I could die from all my trying, come on. Spank you with your hairbrush, I hope you get a head rush. Being as we're seeing if we're liking what we're feeling, come on.

We can make it dirty, going all night long. We can do it in the shower, if ya legs feel strong. So less about the bruising, it's all about the cruising. I'm reeling with the feeling that this must be wrong

_You make me hot_ , so dance around the bedroom, honey. _You make me crazy_ , with nothing but your sexy high heels on. _You little teaser_ , tonight I know it's only just beginning. _We'll take it slow_ , I like it when you let me stand and watch. It's so much sweeter when you let me put it in, cuz, baby, you know I love it. When you put it in your mouth.

I wanna touch bliss, slow kiss, wrapped around your tongue. I'm gonna show you slowly you can be the only one. If it tastes right, hold tight, it's only just begun. I promise I'll be gentle while we have ourselves some fun. _It's so much sweeter_ , when you let me put it in. _It's so much sweeter_ , when you put it in your mouth.

_You make me hot_ , so dance around the bedroom, honey. _You make me crazy_ , with nothing but your sexy high heels on. Tonight I know it's only just beginning. _We'll take it slow_ , I like it when you let me stand and watch. _You make me hot_ , so dance around the bedroom, honey. _You make me crazy_ , with nothing but your sexy high heels on. _You little teaser_ , tonight I know it's only just beginning

_We'll take it slow_ , I like it when you let me stand and watch. It's so much sweeter when you let me put it in, cuz, baby, you know I love it. When you put it in your...

### Take The Chance

I'm blind to all these crazy fears of mine. I know I gotta take the time, to find the real me, the one I wanna be. But it's not easy like it may seem. When you're looking for that lost dream, when you're feeling somewhere in between. It's my moment now to try, before it passes by. I'll face up to the truth again, I'll swallow the pain. Hope it doesn't take long, cuz I don't know if I can stay that strong. Cuz this time I'll fight and I'll never give in, I'll take on whatever in my bid to win. I'm stood in line, like I did before, I'll take all the knocks till I can stand no more. I know it's not easy on the climb to the top, I gotta keep going cuz this dream don't stop. If there's a chance that I can make it through. I gotta take the chance to make this dream come true.

You see a broken heart and think it's just me, my spirit has no energy. I've been holding on so long, now it's time to right this wrong. I'd face up to the truth again, I'd swallow the pain. Hope it doesn't take long, cuz I don't know if I can stay that strong. Cuz this time I'll fight and I'll never give in, I'll take on whatever in my bid to win. I'm stood in line like I did before, I'll take all the knocks till I can stand no more. I know it's not easy on the climb to the top, I gotta keep going cuz this dream don't stop. If there's a chance that I can make it through. I gotta take the chance to make this dream come true.

I'll stand my ground, _when your moment comes_. I'll turn it around; _you'll start to live again_

I'll make my way; _you'll never let it go_. Cuz I can feel it now, I've got to wait somehow.

So this time I'll fight and I'll never give in, I'll take on whatever in my bid to win. I'll stand in line like I did before, I'll take all the knocks that there can be. Oh, I know it's not easy on the climb to the top, I gotta keep going cuz this dream don't stop. If there's a chance that I can make it through, I gotta take the chance to make this dream come true. This time I'll fight and I'll never give in, _when your moment comes_. I'll take on whatever in my bid to win; _you'll start to live again_. Cuz if there's a chance that I can make it through, _you'll never let it go_. I gotta take the chance to make this dream come true.

### Fall Away

Life is passing me by, and it's my moment to try. I wanna make the best of it before I see it slip away. So, why, can't it just be a little easier for me. I wanna make the most of it before I let it fall away. And will I ever be free to start again. Am I always gonna be alone, all my hopes are gone? I gotta find the strength somehow, just to carry on. Am I always gonna be alone, forever trying to find the one?

Next time love passes by, I'm gonna give it a try. Why should I cry for all those bitter years I spent with you? And should I see the light, I'll know I'm right, next time. Am I always gonna be alone, now my hopes are gone? Will I ever find the strength, somehow, just to carry on? And is it gonna take me that long, wishing I could be that strong? Hoping I can carry on, forever trying to find the one.

I know I gotta find an easy way, to let the sadness go, or try and cram it down below. I never let it show, and every single time, I always let them go, again. It's harder than you know, I try not to sink so low. I cram it down below, I cram it down below.

Life is passing me by, and it's my moment to try. So I'll take the best of it before I let it slip away. Am I always gonna be alone, all my hopes are gone? I gotta find the strength somehow, just to carry on. Could it really take me that long, wishing I could be that strong? Hoping I can carry on, forever trying to find the one.

There's gotta be more for me, so I'm guessing I'll wait and see. There's gotta be more for me, so I'm guessing I'll wait and see.

### We're Done

Why can't you be something like me, I can't work you out? You take it all and still want more, you're greedy, of that there's no doubt. What you need's what I'm trying to give, but you seem to be so blinded. What you get, you get it for free. I can't see why you're still screaming. I can't, give more, why do I get the feeling we're done? I can't, give more, why do I get the feeling we're done?

I tried to make that final break, but you made me stay. You won't let me go, when I tell you no, we finish this, I say. Cuz what you need's what I'm trying to give, but you seem to be so blinded. What you get, you get it for free. I can't see why you're still screaming. I can't, give more, why do I get the feeling we're done?. I can't, give more, why do I get the feeling we're done? We're done, we're done, we're done

I can't, give more, why do I get the feeling we're done? I can't, give more, why do I get the feeling we're done? I can't, give more, why do I get the feeling we're done? I can't, give more, why do I get the feeling we're done? I'm done, I'm done, I'm done.

### You're All I See

I remember how I feel when you are leaving; when you walk away it feels like I'm not breathing

I always watch your face till we are finally parted, when I turned away that's when my teardrops started. You're the heart of me and I wouldn't be without you, whatever wall we face I know we'll always get through. And my faith in you is strong enough to carry me, so if you asked me now, I'd tell you honestly. You're all I see, you're all I see

I know you're always there when I'm looking for a shoulder, and you wrap round me when the nights are growing colder. It's the little things I miss when I feel lonely, that is how I know you are my one and only. I treasure every moment we're together, I'll be by your side through every kind of weather. So, if you doubt me just remember this was meant to be, and if you ask me now, I'll tell you honestly. You're all I see, you're all I see. _You have my heart sat in the palm of your hand and it's where it's meant to be_. You're all I see, you're all I see. _I know the years to come will be much easier to face if you're standing there by me_

You're the heart of me and I wouldn't be without you, whatever wall we face I know we'll always get through. And my faith in you is strong enough to carry me, so if you ask me now, I'll tell you honestly. See, you're all I see, you're all I see. _You have my heart sat in the palm of your hand and it's where it's meant to be_. You're all I see, you're all I see. _I know the years to come will be much easier to face if you're standing there by me_. _I know the years to come will be much easier to face if you're standing there by me._

### You Should Know

I could almost see it, my final moment; it felt like falling, into the darkness. I nearly made it, could almost taste it, but now I've lost it, I mustn't want it. I fought so hard to make a life from nothing at all. I climbed so high and I just didn't care about the fall. Every time I try it looks like I'll get it right. So when I do you'll see me then and know that inside, I tried. You should have known that. I need you here, I want you here; I need you here. If only I could have you near. Have I lost my fight? Can't face the night, so just hold me tight. You know I'll always need you here.

Was I mistaken, my heart was breaking, it left me blinded and I couldn't find it. But now I know it's you it seems my dreams have come true. I'd walk forever just to be the one that stands with you. So if you need me then I'd lay it all on the line. I'd do whatever just to make you feel like you're mine, all the time. You should have known that. I need you here, I want you here; I need you here. If only I could have you near. Have I lost my fight? Can't face the night, so just hold me tight. You know I'll always need you here, you know I'll always need you here.

It doesn't matter what you say, it couldn't push this love away, is it enough to give you? _You know I'll always need you here_. Yes, I need you here, I want you here; I need you here, if only I could have you near. Seems I lost the fight. Can't face the night, need to hold you tight. _You know I'll always need you here_. It doesn't matter what you say, it couldn't push this love away, is it enough to give you?. _You know I'll always need you here_. I'd give it all to be with you, do anything I had to do, is it enough to give you? _You know I'll always need you here_. _You know I'll always need you here._

### Chance

This is where you need to be, drowning in this ecstasy. Come and join me, baby, let me give you a try. I can't wait to do the do, I wanna climb all over you. And I need to catch your features while you're sucking me dry. We'd be at it through the night, reaching heights of sheer delight. I just need to hear you sigh, so, baby, would you let me try? This sphere of emotion, it could cause an explosion. But I'd take the chance, oh, I'd take the chance. If we made a connection, then we'd find it perfection. So I'd take the chance, oh, yeah.

I'd love to feel my tongue on you, the rushes I'd be going through. If I took it slowly I could scramble your mind. We could be the final score, the thing that we're both looking for. I've always had this feeling that we're two of a kind. We'd be at it through the night, reaching heights of sheer delight. I just need to hear you sigh, so, baby, would you let me try? This sphere of emotion, it could cause an explosion. But I'd take the chance, oh, I'd take the chance. If we made a connection, then we'd find it perfection. So I'd take the chance, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We'd be at it through the night, reaching heights of sheer delight. I just need to hear you sigh, so, baby, would you let me try?

This sphere of emotion, it could cause an explosion, but I'd take the chance, oh, I'd take the chance. If we made a connection, then we'd find it perfection, so I'd take the chance, yeah. This sphere of emotion, it could cause an explosion, but I'd take the chance, oh, I'd take the chance. If we made a connection, then we'd find it perfection, so I'd take the chance, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yes.

### Runnin Outta Time

I know my time will come back around again. I know it won't be pretty waiting for it to begin. But, you'll see, it's easy, what don't kill you makes you stronger. They told me, to be free; I had to wait a little longer. I stepped outside, I'm just waiting for a sign. Cuz the one I had, when I looked, it wasn't mine. They told me lies, treated me like I was blind, so now I fight to win, and don't give in. Cuz I'm, I'm, running outta time, I'm running outta time, and I want what's mine.

I confess, my life's a mess, it's got no meaning. And I must admit, some bits were shit, so I spent it dreaming. But, you'll see, I'm changing, I'm gonna take this God damned town. I told them, on this round, I won't be the first man down. I stepped outside, I'm just waiting for a sign. Cuz the one I had, when I looked, it wasn't mine. They told me lies, treated me like I was blind. So now I fight to win, and can't ever give in. Cuz I'm, I'm, running outta time. I'm running outta time. And I want what's mine.

I don't care if you can't take this, _I stepped outside_. I wasted time believing you, _I'm waitin for a sign_. I don't care if you don't like this, _I'm running outta time_. I won't play your minds games too, _and I want what's mine_. So, you can take this God damn town, _and burn the fucker down_. I stepped outside, I'm just waiting for that sign. Cuz the one I had, when I looked, it still wasn't mine. They tell me lies, treat me like I'm still blind. So I fight to win, won't ever give in. Cuz I'm, _I'm_ , running outta time; I'm still running outta time. So I'll take what's mine.

### UK Bonus Tracks

### Ending of their days

Sometimes you learn the hard way by selling yourself out. Looking up when you're on your knees is what it's all about. Just smile and take the beating, start admiring the view. Cuz if you sell your soul to the Devil, there ain't no coming back for you.

Hallelujah, Heaven. I was born to better ways, these things I see, their misery. It's the ending of their days.

On the other side of the planet is a child that lives in fear. And the end of life is nearer than those gunshots that they hear. And every thankful moment is a lifetime in their eyes. So they huddle in fright, in the middle of the night, and scream when another one dies.

Hallelujah, Heaven. We were born to safer ways, these things we see, their misery. It's the ending of their days.

What can I say, what will you do? Don't look at me, I'm not like you. If it's their ending, well, we can't give anymore. And if that's the case then, buddy, what the hell we fighting for?

Hallelujah, Heaven. I was born to better ways, these things I see, this misery. Hallelujah, Heaven. We were born to safer ways, these things we see, their misery. It's just the ending, it's just the ending now. Oh, it's just the ending. Of another day.

### This One's Mine

This time it's different, I hold the key, you'd rather be drifting than stay with me. The road that you tread will be never-ending. I'm tired of it all and your constant pretending. Pulses run high with emotions at stake, I'd rather admit I've had all I can take. God damn, I thought I had it all, I cruised each bitchin rise and fall. I felt alive, not like before, show me a glimpse and I'll beg more. I'm twice as far as you thought I'd be, and I'm in a place where you can't reach me.

The price that I paid was never forgotten, the love that I gave is now left to go rotten. You pushed once too often, now I'm pushing back. If you're looking for pain, you're on the right track. There'll be no remorse for the things that I say. And I'll rip you apart if you get in my way. God damn, you thought you had it all, you caused each bitchin rise and fall. Now you're alone, just like before, showed you a glimpse but you took more. You're not as far as I thought you'd be, now you're in a place where you can't reach me.

The sacrifices that you made were not the same as mine. I see that, now, because you walked away. And I know I'm getting stronger, so you won't pull me down again. My life gets better every single day.

God damn, you thought you had it all, you caused each bitchin rise and fall. Now you're alone, just like before, showed you a glimpse but you took more. You're not as far as you thought you'd be. And you're in a place where you can't reach me. Yeah, you're not as far as you thought you'd be. And you're stuck in the place that you thought I would be.

Ea$y are: **Max Manley** \- lead vocals and guitars - **Jake Morgan** \- guitars and vocals - **Stevie Manley** \- bass - **Dan Foster** \- drums and vocals

Produced by Ea$y and Mickey Markwell. Engineered by Mickey Markwell. Assisted by Tyler "This one's mine" Martyn. Digital Editing by Andy Ryan and Mickey Markwell. Recorded at Carouse Studios, Vancouver, B.C. and BassMetal Studios, Canmore, Alberta

Mixed by Mikael Taylor. Assisted by Norris O'Neil. Mixed at The Sativa Beaver Studios, Vancouver, B.C.

All music by Ea$y, except "You're All I See", music by Stevie Manley and Mickey Markwell, and "You Make Me See", music by Stevie Manley and Max Manley.

All lyrics by Max Manley, except "You Make Me See", lyrics by Stevie Manley and Max Manley. "Take The Chance" and "Honestly", lyrics by Max Manley, Stevie Manley, Dan Foster and Jake Morgan. "You're All I See", lyrics by T. Jackson.

**Max** Thanks: Tee, for all your love and putting up with my shit, and Ma, for always being there

**Stevie** Thanks: Chelsea, you made me do it, and Ma, thanks for making me listen

**Dan** Thanks: Mom and Dad, Chrissie and Karl, Petie, Jo and Si, and everyone else at home

**Jake** Thanks: Dad, Tanya and Cliff, the Bomber Twins and Curtis. For Mom, I still miss you x

Special thanks to our extended family for just being there, we so love you guys heaps.

**Ea$y** Thanks: The Pie Crust, Mire, Nomad, Woodstock, AJ Jackson, and little Miss S for keeping us all together. Extra big thanks to Joey and Hatch, all the truck and bus drivers, the tech heads, the big and little men, and all the pyro crews, we couldn't have done any of it without you guys. ReHab, nice job, thanks, catch you in The Booty Box. Tyler, Andy, Mikael and Norris - Man, what a team. Everyone at Human Records and The Sativa Beaver Studios. Everyone at The Karma Lounge, the crew at The Beat Basement and, as always, C.C.'s and McCall's, make ours a double, dudes.

... And, of course, to all the fans and new friends made along the way, cheers every one of you for your love, support and appreciation, and for making it the best job in the world, _ever_.

(Tracks that didn't make the cut) Don't Bitch, Rich - Laughin Hurts - Callin All Losers - Sweaty Beaver Blues (thanks Tee) - 10 And Ya Out - Suck My Spuds - You Slap, I'll Punch - Get ya Wiener outta my ear - Man, What Crawled Inta You And Died - Hey Jo, Hi-Lo - Pie Crust Ain't Sexy - Skin-up Or Die - Ya Hair's On Fire - Spaced-out and Mashed-up, bad - Where's My Fifty Dollar Ho - Who Said Ya Needed Two - Sluts v Mutts - Bricks Don't Fly (thanks G-Man)

Thank you, thank you... _Goodnight_...

