- You might be uncomfortable hearing this,
but gay men might actually be narcissists.
And in this video I'm gonna talk to you
about why I think this might be the case.
So first we're gonna
talk a little bit about
what narcissism actually means,
and then I'm gonna talk
to you a little bit
about my experiences growing up gay,
and then lastly I'm gonna
talk to you about how
growing in a heteronormative
world as a gay man
may actually predispose a
person to narcissistic traits.
So if you're interested in learning more,
keep frickin' watching.
Before we go any further,
a couple of things.
The first thing is I am
not a trained therapist,
nor am I a trained psychologist;
however, I spent a lot of
time reading about psychology,
researching psychology.
I think it's so, so interesting,
but that is not a substitute
for formalized training in the field,
nor is it even close to a substitute
to having in-field experience with clients
and with patients and with people
that have mental health issues.
So I am not claiming to be
an authority in this area.
This is purely speculative
and it is speculative
based on some of my personal experiences
with narcissistic behavior.
The second thing that you
really need to keep in mind
before you watch the rest of this video
and before you draw
any conclusions is that
I am not arguing that a
person with narcissism
is more likely to become gay,
nor am I arguing that
the trait of being gay
in isolation is always going to
predispose somebody to
narcissistic tendencies.
And I tell you this because historically,
this is an argument that has
been made about gay people,
and there's also a very similar argument
that has been made about trans people.
More specifically, I believe
it was actually Freud
who argued that narcissistic behaviors
may manifest as autoerotic behaviors.
Which is all to say that
in some of Freud's writings
he suggests that people
may actually be gay
because they derive sexual
attraction from themselves
and as a result they are
sexually attracted to men
because they are most
similar to themselves.
And there have been similar arguments made
about trans individuals as well.
And so to be clear,
that is not the argument
that I'm going to be
sharing with you today.
And also, those arguments
are very dangerous arguments to make,
and so I want to make it
very, very clear to you
that that is not where this
frickin' discussion is going.
So with all of that frickin' said,
let's start our journey by
talking about narcissism
and in order to really
understand narcissism
you need to first understand two concepts.
And these concepts are called
the true and the false self.
Now the true and the false self
were concepts introduced
by this dude named Donald Winnicott.
And he was a prominent psychologist
during the 20th century.
And he introduced this
concept as a way of describing
how people present themselves to the world
versus how they actually feel
and experience themselves on the inside.
So let's start off by
talking about the true self.
So in lay terms I think we
often hear the true self
as being described as
like our authentic self.
And really, the true self is
like the part of ourselves
that experiences the world.
So it's the part of ourselves
that isn't filtered,
and it is purely who we are.
And a really easy way to
understand the true self
is to think of children,
because children are a
really, really good example
of the true self in its purest form.
The reason for this is because
children experience the world
in a very raw, uninhibited way.
Young children haven't
really been indoctrinated,
you could say, by our culture
and by the different norms
that we're expected to follow in society.
And as a result, children oftentimes act
in this very inhibited way
that really ultimately derives
from who they are fundamentally.
And this is why, for
example, kids can be like,
kids can be frickin' assholes sometimes.
They can be kind of mean,
tell you how it frickin' is,
because kids don't have a filter
because they haven't learned the things
that they should and shouldn't filter.
So that's kind of one
manifestation of the true self.
And the thing is is that
we all have a true self.
But many of us lose
touch with our true self
because we have to develop
what's called the false self.
So let's talk a little bit
now about the false self.
So there are a lot of ways
to think of the false self.
But an easy conceptualization
of the false self
is to think of it as kind of like a shield
or a facade or a mask
that we slowly develop
over the course of our life
as we become indoctrinated
to our culture and to our communities.
And the reason we develop
this facade is because
we have to meet the
demands of our communities
in order to gain social acceptance.
The need for acceptance by our community
and by our caregivers when we're children
is hardwired into our brain.
Like it is to the point of
being a survival mechanism.
So quick little history
lesson about human beings.
So the thing that makes
human beings so strong
is that we are very, very
socially intelligent.
And interestingly enough as
a tangent within a tangent,
you might be surprised
to know that earlier on
in the lifetime of our species
there were other hominids that existed.
Like homo neanderthal.
And when they've studied the
brains of homo neanderthal
they've actually found that they had
larger brain volume than homo sapiens.
Yet, homo sapiens were actually able
to overthrow homo neanderthal
because it is thought
we were able to coordinate socially
at a really, really large scale.
And so the point being here is that
humans are very good at cooperating,
but this is also a double edged sword
because humans by and
large are not very strong
by themselves compared to other species.
And so from a survival perspective
we need the approval of our community
and we need the approval of
other people that are around us
in order to survive
and in order to thrive.
To like live our best life, you could say.
So with all that said, it's
very normal for somebody
to develop what is called a false self
in order to meet the
demands of the community
so that people are acting cohesively.
And so as a really
common day-to-day example
of when the false self
might creep up in your life,
suppose that you're at a coffee shop,
and you've had a real shit day,
like you've had a really bad day.
Like a man rejected you, you're just
not having a good frickin' time, honestly.
The barista might ask
you how you're doing,
and if you live in the
United States at least,
almost reflexively you're
gonna say something like,
"Oh, I'm doing great,"
or "I'm doing good,"
or "it's been an all right day."
You're gonna kind of sugar coat it
and make it seem as though
the day has been going well
even though truly you don't feel that way.
That can be thought of as an example
of the false self because
you're not actually reflecting
how you feel to the world.
You're sharing this false
narrative about yourself
to kind of meet the expectations
of having a good face on
and not being too upset,
not oversharing with people.
The false self is not inherently bad.
And in fact, it's almost
a necessary component
of being a social species.
However, if you're in an environment
where you have to hyper focus
on developing and crafting
a false self to meet
very, very heavy demands
of the people around you and
of the community around you,
that practice can start to become a habit.
What can ultimately happen is that
you lose sight of your true self
and you start to really only
identify with your false self,
and this can result in feelings
of feeling dead on the inside.
This can result in feeling
empty and depressed
and just generally
feeling fairly unrequited
because you don't feel like
people see who you are,
but you also don't know how
to show them who you are, basically.
And so now this brings us
into the topic of narcissism.
So narcissism is really
a personality trait
that all of us possess.
And so the way I've really
conceptualized narcissism
as a personality trait
as a nonprofessional,
nontrained, noneducated,
lay psychologist guy,
is like this.
I think of narcissism as a measure
of how much you attend to your false self,
versus your true self.
And so everybody's going to
do this to varying degrees,
depending on where they're at in life,
and also depending on
early childhood experiences
and their predisposition.
And in a very, very extreme situation,
a person that is overly
focused on this false self
may go on to develop narcissistic
personality disorder.
And so that's a really quick and dirty
explanation of what narcissism
looks like as a personality trait.
Okay, so now let's switch frickin' gears,
and I'm going to share with you kind of
like a very, very quick overview
of my experience as a gay man.
And then we're gonna
talk a little bit about
how this experience may have played into
some of the narcissistic traits
that I sometimes struggle with even today.
Okay, so I've shared bits
and pieces of this story
on different videos so I'm probably
repeating the same thing again,
but I'll just give you
a really quick rundown
of what growing up gay was like for me.
So I wasn't like other
boys, you could say.
I wasn't like the other boys.
So I grew up in a very conservative town
in the middle of the United States.
I was a fairly neurotic kid.
I was just generally very, very sensitive,
and I tended to be a little
bit more feminine presenting,
just by nature.
That was just naturally
the way my behavior was.
And I also happened to be gay.
And so growing up in a conservative,
fairly religious community,
I can remember so many examples of
us seeing a gay person on TV,
and my family scoffing
at that person on TV,
talking about how disgusting that was.
I think I even remember asking somebody
in my family one time whether or not
two boys could get together,
two guys could get together and whatever.
And I think I was met
with oh that's gross,
that's unnatural, that's
not how it's supposed to be.
Things like that.
I was also frequently
scolded and criticized
because of my feminine qualities.
So I know, for example,
I did the stereotypical
playing with dolls.
Like I loved playing with dolls.
I played with, my sister actually,
my sister actually had
a Little Mermaid doll.
That Little Mermaid doll and I,
we honestly we got the frick
along, like we got along.
But there was always this tension
with me playing with this doll
because I kinda knew that
wasn't supposed to be
what I wanted to do,
but I just enjoyed doing it.
I liked styling her hair.
I liked doing all of
these different things.
I can remember in school
several different times
people asking me if I was gay
or why I talked like a girl,
why I acted like a girl.
I can remember several times
when I would answer questions in class,
I think I did this
thing where I would like
clasp my hands together and
start every sentence off with
well, I personally believe that
some people out there in
our nation don't have maps,
and...
And I remember whenever I would
answer questions like this
I can remember my teachers
looking at each other
kind of like oh, this is how he's acting.
I can remember all of
these different things.
And then things got even more confusing
because when I got to middle school
I realized that I was attracted to men.
I started realizing wow, I'm only aroused
whenever I see a six
pack and a pair of pecs.
That's pretty much the only
thing that gets this guy going.
Given all of the things that I had heard
about gay people, given all
the ridicule that I had faced
for acting more feminine,
and given the kind of
association that I had,
actually, in my head between
being gay and being feminine,
and then all of that stuff
being just wrong for a guy,
I spent a lot of time repressing
those attributes of myself.
And you can kind of
think of those attributes
as parts of my true self.
So I spent a lot of time
repressing those aspects
of my true self that were gay.
And in lieu of that I worked
on crafting a false self
that met the straight expectations
of the people in my
community and at my school.
And I frickin' sucked
at it, too, honestly.
I don't know why but I have
a very hard time faking it.
It's just so uncomfortable for me to do,
and it's always been that way for me.
But by god I frickin' tried.
I spent a lot of time
crafting this false self.
And ultimately I came out in high school
because I ended up going
to a really liberal school,
but unfortunately, that pattern
of behavior that I learned
with handling my sexuality as a trait
that I didn't think people would like,
I carried this behavior over
to other parts of my life.
So whenever there was a quality in myself
that I thought other
people would accept me for,
validate me for, I've inflated that.
I would become super focused on it.
One example that I've used
frequently is my intelligence.
Whenever I got to high school,
I don't know what exactly happened,
but I became aware of the fact
that I was good at taking
tests and that I was smart.
I kind of had always known
this in the back of my mind
because of things teachers would say
and various things like that,
but I didn't give it much attention.
But for whatever reason in high school,
probably because I was in a
more competitive environment,
I started really trying to
inflate this part of myself
so that people would think I was smart.
I was focused on how people perceive me,
i.e., I was focused on my false self.
And this was a pattern of
behavior that continued
and still continues to this day
that I have to work on regulating.
And again, it's totally
normal to have a false self.
But the extent to which
I focus on my false self
is probably not healthy.
And so I have to constantly
be really aware of that.
So that's kind of my
experience with being gay.
And I truly think that
these experiences I had
of being gay and the shame
I had around liking men,
around some of my natural behaviors,
and this need to create
a false self to survive,
I truly think that this is
what paved the way for me
to have more narcissistic behaviors.
And so now I wanna kind of
generalize this a little bit
and talk more about why
I think the experience
of being gay,
especially in an environment
that I grew up in,
can lead a person to have
more narcissistic qualities
than what is average and
what is probably healthy.
So there's no question about it.
We live in a culture that favors
heterosexual relationships.
We live in a culture that
favors a very certain version
of masculinity which is essentially
like an emotional straight jacket
that I don't think very many
people can actually live up to,
and I think a lot of it is an act
whenever people live up to it so well.
But that's a separate topic
for a separate frickin' video.
Any gay man who has grown
up in the United States,
at the very least, is going
to have that experience of,
wow, this way that I behave
or this desire that I have
doesn't match very, very
neatly with the expectations
and the narrative of my
culture around love and romance
and who I'm supposed to be attracted to.
At the very least I think
pretty much every gay man
has had that moment of realization.
But this can, of course,
exist on a continuum.
And of course, in very,
very extreme situations,
they may have grown up in an environment
where you could literally
be killed if you were gay.
So there's all of these different levels
at which someone could experience this.
But I think really the big point here
is that at some level our
gayness is not the norm,
and so therefore, our gayness
is not always accepted.
On the flip side our gayness is something
that we can cover up and
we can kind of lie about
if we so choose.
And I think for many of us it is easier
to choose the path in which
we'll get the most approval,
even if it's not completely honest.
I think it's easier to choose this path
than the path that is true to ourselves
but that likely will get us
some level of disapproval
from our culture and from
our friend and family.
I think that there are plenty of us who,
from a very young age,
had to give undue focus
on our false self,
and I think, at least for me,
and I'm sure for others, too,
this was to our detriment.
And then things get even more complicated
because once you finally come out
and once you finally kind of integrate
with the gay community,
as I've discussed in previous videos,
there are a lot of aspects
of the gay community
that nurture narcissistic behavior.
As an example, the gay
community is very, very focused
on appearance and how your body looks
and being sexually viable.
Like that's a huge aspect
of the gay community.
And I mean, I will say that
just Western culture right now.
I think that this is an issue everywhere,
but I know that in the gay community
it is very much an
issue and it's very much
something that you have to grapple with.
On top of this, and I've talked about this
a little bit in previous videos,
I'm gonna be doing another video
on this topic actually in the future,
and on top of this, despite
what a lot of people wanna say,
there is a premium put on
masculinity in the gay community.
People generally value masculine men,
masculine men in the gay community
more than they do less masculine men.
And so in some ways you're
kind of out of the frying pan
and into the fryer because, yeah,
you may not have to
really appease the people
in your community anymore,
but now in the gay community you have to
act and do certain things if you want
to fit in and to maximize your approval.
And in my opinion, because
acceptance from the gay community
in some ways might be higher stakes,
because rejection from this community
might mean rejection everywhere,
I wouldn't be surprised if people
are even more incentivized
to cultivate a false self
that meets the expectations
of the gay community
even more so than maybe they
did in their home communities.
So that's kind of the complexity here.
And on top of this, too, if
the assumption I'm making
about gay men being
more prone to narcissism
is actually true then that's going
to further predispose people
to be narcissistic as well
who enter the community
because narcissistic
damage can lead a person
to develop narcissistic qualities.
It's a frickin' mess, okay?
This is like a frickin' mess.
And here's the thing.
Narcissism, besides just inflicting pain
on the people that are around
the narcissistic person,
it also usually involves a
lot of inner pain as well
for the narcissist,
because a lot of these
behaviors are driven by shame
and driven by this need to
actually create a false self
that they think is going
to get them approval.
And so I think it's really
in the best interest
of all gay men for us to
check in with ourselves,
be mindful, and yeah, try
to work on making the world
a happier, more mentally healthy place.
Especially the gay community.
So yeah, that's pretty much
all I have in this video.
Leave your thoughts in
the comments down below.
Give it a thick thumbs up and
I will see you in the next one.
Goodbye.
