I like it if the pilot
has a Southern accent
when I get on to a plane.
That calms me down.
You know why?
They say "hi" right away.
They say "hello."
Have you ever been
on a flight where
the pilot doesn't say anything,
and you're like 30 seconds
from takeoff?
You freak, you're like,
"Who's up there?"
"Who is doing this, okay?!
"We're kind of freaked out.
Have been,
have been for
a couple years, yeah."
"Say hello."
When I get onto a flight,
if the flight crew
hasn't said hello,
I freak out at my seat.
I'm like,
"These are Russian terrorists."
"This is happening, this is
happening right now."
"Are you ready for this?"
"Are you ready to be
in a Steven Seagal movie?
Are you ready for that?
Does everyone here know
slow uninteresting karate?
'Cause if you do, you can
be the lead if you want...
to be the lead in this."
You know when
the flight crew's Southern.
You're walking to your seat.
"Really, we're already
talking about the Forth of July?
It's February."
That's small-talk
you can't teach.
You either got it or you don't.
Love it when
the pilot's Southern.
"Hey, how you folks
doing back there?"
Whole lot better now that I know
you're in charge.
"We're going to take this thing
upstairs to God's country."
Oh...
Ah... What?
What did he just sa... ah...
Ah, like a good hurt.
Ow, but oh, I like it.
"Sorry that we're getting out of
the gate kind of late today."
"We're gonna fly it
like we stole it. (chuckles)"
"Who's, uh,
who's up there, huh?"
"Mr. Perfect-pants?
Who's flying this thing?"
"Fly like we stole, okay, yeah,
no one stole anything."
I think no one got the joke.
"No one stole anything."
"He's just going to fly faster,
if you're wo... interest..."
"Yeah, yeah, it's a joke."
"Well, you should have
your headphones off.
The door's closed. So, you
should have those off."
I'm that guy on the flight,
I'm like, "(fake laugh) Him!"
"Him, he's the one who doesn't
care about other people."
Just take a big ol' sip
here of my diarrhea cup
if ya'll don't mind.
Mmm, it's good,
it's showbiz, showbiz.
A lot of people drink diarrhea.
You ever been on a flight and
the person sitting next to you
gets up to go to the bathroom?
And they're gone
for just a really long time?
You freak out, don't you?
You know you freak out. You're
like, "Okay, what is this?"
How do you even report that?
(overhead beep)
"Hi, yeah, no,
the guy sitting next to me,
"uh, he's been gone
for quite a bit.
"He's either
poopity-pooping, or...
he is a terrorist. There's no...
It's one or the other."
"There's no middle ground,
not these days."
"One or the other."
You guys ever
steal an old person?
Oh, I guess everyone here
has their grandparents.
Some of us don't;
we got to replace ours, okay?
Here's a tip:
Old people in wheelchairs...
rarely turn around
to see who's pushing 'em.
You're at the store,
you see a wheelchair...
No one's stopping you.
"Hey, where you going
with that old person?"
That's never been said. That's
the first time that's been said.
"Hey, where you going
with those old people?!"
No one's asking that.
No one cares.
When old people are around,
everybody's thought is,
"Hey, (murmurs): get these
old people out of there.
Get them out of here."
Okay, I'll help.
Don't say anything.
You get out to the parking lot--
"That's not our car."
Get in!
You're my grandmother now.
Folks, find the positive.
I have seven grandmothers
right now.
You know how great that is?
Seven grandmothers?
I love the one grandmother;
her love is so strong.
Try seven!
I'm leaving in the morning,
make an announcement.
"Hey, I'll be home at 3:00!
"Everybody bakes cookies!
Everybody. We'll see
who did the best."
I come home at 3:00-- "Home!
"Let's do it!
Grandmother number one."
"Was that raisins?
What was that?"
"Hey, hey...
"act like you want it.
"Grandmother number two!
"Ooh, is that
mint chocolate chip?
Good for you."
"Mmm! (chuckles) Mmm!
(giggling)
"Mmm! Mmm! Mmm! Mmm!
(giggling)
(giggling continues)
"Mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm!
"Mmm-mmm! Mmm-mmm.
"We have a winner!
"Other five, no need to test.
"Get out of here. Do a lap.
Guess who gets to watch
an hour of Nancy Grace tonight?"
