- AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- I used to live in LA
'cause Jesus loves me.
- AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- But the problem is when
I moved to LA
I didn't see
more than five black people
on the first three months
and I was like, "Okay.
I've seen TV.
I know they out here."
- AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- "Where'd you put 'em?"
- AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- But I didn't know I was
the one in the wrong. Right?
I lived in East LA,
I lived in Highland Park.
And I lived in
a Mexican-American neighborhood
that was quickly getting
gentrified,
so they were confused what
my black ass was doing there.
- AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- So I got tías
and dudes in buns
looking real suspicious at me.
I'm like, "Hey, man,
I'm just here for nachos,
I don't want no problems."
- AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- And then, I speak Spanish,
so the Mexicans thought
I was a spy, I'm like,
"Nah, man,
I'm just trying to get
hooked up on these nachos."
- AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- And there's this one Lyft
driver I used to get
all the time.
And one day, I guess he had
had it, 'cause I got in the car
and he was like, "Dulce?"
"Yeah?"
"Where you from?"
"Atlanta."
"Nah...where's your mom from?"
- AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- "Miami."
"Nah.
Where's your grandma from?"
Dude, take me home!
- AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- I'm not here for your
Lyft 23 and Me, Jorge,
take me the hell home, dawg!
- AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- You wanna crack this mystery?
I got a Spanish name
'cause my mama grew up in Miami,
the only Spanish she knows is
food and my name is food, okay?
- AUDIENCE: [laughing]
[cheering and applause]
- I finally did see
a black lady, I was in Target,
we saw each other and went,
"Ooh!"
Don't do that when you see us,
it's rude.
- AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- So we went, "Ooh!" And I was
like, "What up, auntie?"
'Cause she was a auntie and...
I walked right up to her,
"Hey, auntie, uh,
quick question.
Where are the rest of us?"
- AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- And she was like, "Oh, girl,
you in the wrong neighborhood,
you gotta go to, like, Compton,
or Inglewood,"
I was like "Ooh, ooh, ooh.
Um, I'm second-generation
suburbs, uh..."
- AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- "I don't wanna go to hood
movie places
"to see black people.
Where the brunching Negroes at?"
- AUDIENCE: [laughing]
[applause]
- "I'm a mimosa nigga myself,
where..."
- AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- And she was like,
"Brunch? What's brunch?"
I was like,
"Bitch, we're in Target."
- AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- "That is a Walmart question,
how dare you?"
- AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- "People have shoes on,
what are you doing?"
- AUDIENCE: [laughing]
[applause]
- [sighs] I'm single.
Which is confusing.
- WOMAN: Good!
- No, it's not.
- AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- 'Cause I have boobs big enough
for each of them to have
their own boyfriend.
- AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- If you want big titties,
go to church, that's what I did.
These Gs came from Jesus,
you're welcome. Listen.
- AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- I get real confused 'cause
I'm like, "Men love titties."
Right?
- AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- And they love a big ass,
I have both of those.
So I'm like, alright
"Two, plus two,equals married."
- AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- Yeah, it's weird to get up
in the morning and be beautiful
and single and be like,
"What the fuck is happening?"
And it did hit me real hard
'cause I'm in my 30s,
don't tell my manager,
I'm in my 30s.
- AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- And my best friend,
she tried to warn me,
she was like,
"Listen, when you turn 30,
your body's gonna freak out,"
and I was like,
"Lies, bitch, lies."
And then I turned 30,
and my biological clock
went from snooze
to European techno.
- AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- So now every time I see
a child I just hear
"Bah, bah, have a baby,
bam, it's awesome,
bam, and I love you--"
wait a minute.
I've things to do today, okay?
Are there any women here
in their 20s?
- WOMEN: [cheering]
- Alright, let me talk to
y'all for a second,
'cause I...nobody told me,
you have to listen to me,
I'm a black woman, that's why
Oprah's a billionaire, okay?
You have to listen to me.
Oprah's the only reason
white women read,
let's talk about that.
So...
- AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- I need to tell you something
'cause nobody tried to warn me
and I didn't wanna listen,
nobody told me,
so I'm trying to help you out,
I want you all to know,
you've never been horny before.
- AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- I'm telling you right now,
they didn't tell me, alright?
You know what that silence is?
Every woman in her 30s
going, "Tell
these bitches the truth."
- AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- Nobody told me.
Because I don't wanna have sex,
I wanna mate,
that's a completely different
part of your brain. Okay?
You don't think I didn't walk
in here and figured out
at least five dudes I wanna
bang before this special's over?
You're crazy hot, sir,
I'm not kidding!
- AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- What up, green shirt?
This is not a joke!
- AUDIENCE: [laughing]
[cheering and applause]
- Glasses, what's up? Listen,
I am not playing with y'all!
Okay? 'Cause I wake up
every morning and my body goes,
"Give me a baby!" I'm like,
"Man, I gotta go to work today."
- AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- "Give me a baby." I gotta
catch a flight not a fetus.
No, I can't.
- AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- "Give me a baby!" Listen,
I need a child 'cause I look
like the mother of three
since I was 15 years old, okay?
- AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- And I'm not saying that
to be messed up,
I've had huge boobs and this
body--I look like somebody
should be asking me questions
on a regular basis,
that's all I'm saying.
- AUDIENCE: [laughing]
