so in this video we're going to talk
about the differences
and similarities between a narcissist
and an alcoholic or an addict now
although there's a lot of
overlap and we're going to talk about
that in just a second what that overlap
is what those similarities are there are
some distinct differences and
if you have concerns that your addicted
loved one might also be a narcissist
you're definitely going to want to
determine is it really narcissism
or is it just a defense mechanism of
addiction and the reason why you really
want to differentiate that is because
addicts and alcoholics can get better in
fact they can get
way better and narcissists don't really
get better
that doesn't go away and so if you're
trying to determine
should i stay or should i go how much
energy i should put in this and you have
this question
i would try to get to the root of this
problem before you make any other
decision
for those of you who are new here
welcome to put the shovel down
i'm amber hollingsworth and this channel
is all about helping you to
understand the science and psychology of
addiction
so you can recover your life and your
loved ones
and get back to living the life that you
want to live
okay back to our topic let's first start
by talking about
why the two things can be confused
for each other and where there is actual
overlap now it's important to note that
you can definitely
be a narcissist and have addiction so
you could be dealing with somebody for
sure that has both
but oftentimes people with alcoholism or
addiction
often appear narcissistic when they're
really
not and that's the parts that we're
going to try to pull apart today
because if you're in a relationship with
someone like this you definitely want to
know
exactly what you're dealing with so
there's this saying
in AA i've heard a lot of AA friends
say that alcoholics are
narcissist with inferiority complexes
and where that really comes from is that
the alcoholic if they're just an
alcoholic can appear narcissistic
but deep down inside they really do feel
pretty inferior
now if you've learned a lot about
narcissism you can know that there is
this deep-rooted
shame and sense of self that a
narcissist feels
but that's really different than the
addict or alcoholic who's not a
narcissist because they're pretty aware
of it
the addict and the alcoholics pretty
aware that deep down inside they do
feel pretty crappy about themselves and
narcissists
although they may really feel like that
is primarily an
unconscious drive okay so here are some
of the characteristics that you might be
seeing
that you're trying really hard to
differentiate is it just addiction or
is it narcissism now addicts alcoholics
and narcissists
all have a tendency to refuse to accept
responsibility for their behaviors
to blame shift meaning make everything
someone else's fault all of these types
will use
anger deflection and other kinds of
really nasty behaviors to get you
to do what they want addicts alcoholics
and narcissists
will make you look bad to other people
if it suits their needs
in both situations addiction or
narcissism
you're gonna get the distinct feeling
that this person is
just using you and that is probably the
case
in both of those situations now let's
move on and take a look at
some of the characteristics and types of
behaviors that you're gonna
notice a difference in an addict an
alcoholic and a narcissist these are the
things where you're going to be able to
tell
if you're just dealing with alcoholism
or addiction i'm going to give you six
differentiators to look for
and the last one is probably the most
significant and important so make sure
you stick around for all of these
differentiators
okay when you're dealing with an addict
or an alcoholic
and let me just say this i tend to hear
the family member being confused about
this more
with just alcoholism than i do with
other types of addictions what i'm
saying here is i mean like
people in relationships with alcoholics
will more often say that they feel like
their
significant other or that other person
is a narcissist
i don't really know exactly what it is i
have some like theories on it but
it's just an observation of mine okay
back to the differentiators
so when you're dealing with someone who
has an addiction to drugs or alcohol but
they're not a narcissist
you will see narcissistic behavior at
times
but it's inconsistent if they're not
truly
a narcissist so there are times when you
see
that grandiose behavior that
everything's all about me behavior
that i can do no wrong type of behavior
but if you're not dealing with a
narcissist you'll usually see
other moments of vulnerability as in
real vulnerability
so it's it's a real inconsistent thing
now the second differentiator that
you're likely to notice if you start
paying attention
is is that if you're dealing with an
addict or an alcoholic who's not a
narcissist
you'll notice that they a lot of times
they're just
using that narcissistic behavior as some
sort of
shield or deflector to try to get you to
go away or get off of their case
so you can tell that this is a defense
mechanism
more than a core underlying always there
very consistent belief system part of
their character
think of it like a force field around a
superhero
now if you're dealing with just an
addict or an alcoholic
and they're not a narcissist you will
see that they will be able to express
genuine care concern empathy and love
for other people
now let me say this that doesn't mean
their behavior lines up for that
so for example an addict or an alcoholic
may take advantage of their grandmother
they may take money from them they may
go into their medicine cabinet and steal
their
pills they may take things from their
house and pawn it
but you definitely get the impression
that they truly do
love this person it's just that the
addiction is overriding that
true care and concern the next
differentiator has to do with
shame and guilt now at the core of
addiction and narcissism
is definitely shame now narcissists
aren't usually very aware of that shame
unless they're what's called like a
vulnerable narcissist which is a whole
another
very complicated topic so we won't bring
that into this discussion but
for most narcissists that shame is on a
subconscious level
with addicts and alcoholics that's a
pretty conscious
thing they're pretty aware of it now
they may not admit it to you
out loud but it's readily there but the
thing that
addicts and alcoholics who aren't
narcissists will have is
guilt they will feel guilty and
remorseful
over their behavior it's not always easy
to get them to admit it but they
definitely
feel it and most the time they will
admit it to some degree
like let's say if they got a dui and
that next day they wake up a lot of
times
addicts and alcoholics after something
really bad has happened
they will express genuine guilt
genuine remorse they'll be authentically
sorry for what they did
and you'll be able to see that in those
little moments of clarity that we've
talked about on this channel so much
it's not always there and they may take
it back the next day they may act like
it was no big deal or they may blame the
police officer or something like that
but you will definitely see these
moments of clarity
where the person will actually even
express to you
those feelings of guilt remorse shame
that sort of thing now one of the very
easiest ways to tell the difference if
your addict or alcoholic is also a
narcissist
is to think about that person before the
addiction
did they demonstrate narcissistic
characteristics
consistently before they had the
addiction or
if they've had periods of time where
they weren't addicted to things did you
still see those narcissistic
characteristics
that's going to really help you to
understand whether those
narcissistic characteristics that you're
seeing are more attached to the
addiction
or that they're chronically there and
the addiction is more attached to the
narcissism it's kind of like what's the
primary thing going on here
because when addicts and alcoholics are
in recovery and they're clean and sober
you don't really see these narcissistic
characteristics so much
i mean okay we can all behave a little
narcissistic sometimes but you know what
i mean you don't see them there all the
time
in this like really problematic way okay
now this next one
probably really is the most important
differentiator
narcissists need a constant supply
of attention pretty much all the time
they want your attention because their
primary addiction
is the attention and admiration of other
people
that is their real addiction they may
have
alcohol problems and drug problems but
it's really secondary to their attention
needs
but if you're not really dealing with a
true narcissistic person
they don't really always want your
attention in fact addicts and alcoholics
want you to kind of leave them alone
let them be because they got other stuff
to attend
to so you can see the difference there
addicts and alcoholics may act
narcissistic
in a way to deflect energy not take
responsibility
continue their denial about the problem
but it's not really
always just about getting attention from
you it's not just about
getting these positive affirmations from
you it's really more of a deflection
technique
more of a defense mechanism than it is a
true personality disorder
that kind of thing so if you're dealing
with a narcissist you're going to know
they have that
constant need for attention now addicts
and alcoholics of course they want
attention sometimes and that helps them
feel better but
like i said a lot of times they like to
fly way under the radar
as well so the biggest thing i want you
to look for here is the consistency of
these narcissistic traits that you're
going to see
now after hearing all that i want you to
watch this video next it's all about how
to have
effective boundaries with someone who
has an addiction
