WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW,"
EVERYBODY!
THANK YOU SO MUCH!
OH!
GOOD TO BE HERE, FOLKS.
I'M STEPHEN COLBERT.
GOOD TO BE BACK.
THIS ELECTION CONTINUES TO BE
INSANE.
EVER SINCE THE TAPE OF DONALD ON
THE BILLY BUSH LOCKER-BUS CAME
OUT, TRUMP HAS BEEN FENDING OFF
ATTACKS LIKE A WOMAN MEETING
DONALD TRUMP.
( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
THERE'S THE WOMAN WHO SAT NEXT
TO HIM ON A PLANE, A "PEOPLE"
MAGAZINE REPORTER, A CONTESTANT
ON "THE APPRENTICE," AND A
FORMER MISS ARIZONA, WHO
DESCRIBED TRUMP'S BEHAVIOR
BACKSTAGE AT THE MISS USA
PAGEANT.
>> HE JUST CAME STROLLING RIGHT
IN.
THERE WAS NO SECOND TO PUT A
ROBE ON OR ANY SORT OF CLOTHING
OR ANYTHING.
SOME GIRLS WERE TOPLESS.
OTHER GIRLS WERE NAKED.
>> STEPHEN: OKAY, THAT SOUNDS
BAD, MR. TRUMP.
DO YOU HAVE A RESPONSE?
>> LIES, LIES.
NO WITNESSES.
NO NOTHING.
ALL BIG LIES.
>> STEPHEN: OKAY, LIES.
WAS THERE ANYONE BACKSTAGE AT
THIS PAGEANT WHO COULD
CORROBORATE HER STORY?
>> I'LL GO BACKSTAGE BEFORE A
SHOW AND EVERYONE IS GETTING
DRESSED AND EVERYTHING ELSE, AND
I'M ALLOWED TO GO IN BECAUSE I'M
THE OWNER OF THE PAGEANT AND,
THEREFORE, I'M "INSPECTING IT."
THEY'RE STANDING THERE WITH NO
CLOTHES-- IS EVERYBODY OKAY?
AND YOU SEE THESE INCREDIBLE
LOOKING WOMEN.
AND, SO, I SORT OF GET AWAY WITH
THINGS LIKE THAT.
( AUDIENCE REACTS )
>> Stephen: FOLKS, FOLKS,
FOLKS -- WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO
DO?
IT'S A CLASSIC CASE OF SHE SAID,
HE SAID -- HELL, YEAH.
( LAUGHTER )
AND THIS HAS LED TO A FREEFALL
IN THE POLLS.
WELL, TRUMP HAS AN EXPLANATION,
TWEETING: "THE ELECTION IS
ABSOLUTELY BEING RIGGED BY THE
DISHONEST AND DISTORTED MEDIA
PUSHING CROOKED HILLARY -- BUT
ALSO AT MANY POLLING PLACES.
SAD!"
YES, EVEN AT POLLING PLACES.
THE ELECTION IS BEING RIGGED
AGAINST DONALD TRUMP!
I HEARD THAT ON NOVEMBER 8,
MILLIONS OF RIGGERS WILL HIDE
BEHIND CURTAINS IN PRIVATE
BOOTHS AND, WITH A SECRET
BALLOT, COLLUDE TO DEFEAT
TRUMP.
AND WHY?
SO THEY'LL GET STICKERS.
( LAUGHTER )
"I RIGGED."
>> I THINK THAT'S WHAT IT SAYS.
I'M NOT ENTIRELY SURE.
NOW, TRUMP HAS TWEETED MULTIPLE
TIMES ABOUT THE MEDIA RIGGING
THE ELECTION, AND HE'S RIGHT.
FROM DAY ONE, THE MEDIA RIGGED
THIS ELECTION IN FAVOR OF DONALD
TRUMP.
YOU CAN'T TURN ON THE TV WITHOUT
SEEING TRUMP.
HE'S LIKE THE GEICO GECKO, BUT
MORE CARTOONISH.
( LAUGHTER )
IN FACT, EXPERTS HAVE ESTIMATED
HE'S GOTTEN NEARLY $3 BILLION IN
FREE ADVERTISING.
AND THAT DOESN'T EVEN COUNT THE
MONEY HE'S GOING TO MAKE AFTER
THE ELECTION SELLING HIS
ALL-IN-ONE-SOLUTION FOR
RETRIEVING STRAY CATS.
JUST GRAB THEM WITH A "TRUMP
BRAND PUSSY-GRABBER."
( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
GOTTA CATCH 'EM ALL.
ORDER YOURS TODAY.
AND THE MEDIA'S NOT THE ONLY
UNFAIR ADVANTAGE TRUMP CLAIMS
HILLARY IS GETTING.
ON SATURDAY, HE SAID THAT
HILLARY MIGHT BE USING DRUGS TO
HELP HER PERFORMANCE IN THE
DEBATES.
>> I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON
WITH HER, BUT AT THE BEGINNING
OF HER LAST DEBATE, SHE WAS ALL
PUMPED UP AT THE BEGINNING, AND
AT THE END, IT WAS LIKE, HUH,
TAKE ME DOWN.
>> Stephen: YEAH.
I MEAN, LISTEN, NO, MAKES SENSE.
REMEMBER WHAT SHE SAID ABOUT
HER DEBATE STRATEGY.
>> WHEN THEY GO LOW, WE GET
HIGH.
( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: I HEARD!
THOSE ARE YOUR WORDS, MADAM!
PLUS, WE ALL REMEMBER WHEN A
DESPERATE JIMMY CARTER DEBATED
REAGAN ON STEROIDS.
( LAUGHTER )
THAT TOOK ME BY SURPRISE, THAT
JOKE.
SO, FRAUDULENT VOTERS, THE
MEDIA, DRUGS, AND WOMEN ARE ALL
AGAINST TRUMP.
BUT THAT'S JUST THE TIP OF THE
ICEBERG.
TRUMP KNOWS THESE ACCUSATIONS OF
SEXUAL MISCONDUCT ARE REALLY
BEING CONCOCTED BY SINISTER
FORCES.
>> THE MASSIVE INTERNATIONAL
CORRUPTION OF THE CLINTON
MACHINE.
WE'VE SEEN THIS FIRSTHAND IN THE
WIKILEAKS DOCUMENTS IN WHICH
HILLARY CLINTON MEETS IN SECRET
WITH INTERNATIONAL BANKS TO PLOT
THE DESTRUCTION OF U.S.
SOVEREIGNTY IN ORDER TO ENRICH
THESE GLOBAL FINANCIAL POWERS,
HER SPECIAL INTEREST FRIENDS,
AND HER DONORS.
>> STEPHEN: OKAY, I'M ON BOARD
SO FAR.
BUT HOW DID THIS CONSPIRACY
WORK?
GENTLEMEN, BRING OUT THE BOARD.
THE INTERNATIONAL CONSPIRACY
BOARD.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
NOW, REMEMBER, LET ME BREAK THIS
DOWN FOR YOU.
THIS SUPPOSED SEX SCANDAL CAN
ALL BE EXPLAINED WITH A VENN
DIAGRAM. ACCORDING TO DONALD
TRUMP, THE MEDIA IS COLLUDING
WITH THE CLINTON MACHINE.
ALL RIGHT?
( LAUGHTER )
AND -- STAY WITH ME.
AND THE CLINTON MACHINE IS
COLLUDING IN SECRET WITH
INTERNATIONAL BANKERS AND
SPECIAL INTERESTS.
ALL TO PAVE OVER THE
ANTI-CLINTON REVELATIONS FROM
WIKILEAKS, AND POINT THE BLAME
AT DONALD TRUMP.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
RIGHT THERE!
RIGHT THERE!
ALL RIGHT HERE!
( APPLAUSE )
RIGHT THERE!
THIS IS HAPPENING!
THIS IS HAPPENING!
( APPLAUSE )
THIS IS HAPPENING!
OH, MY GOD!
( LAUGHTER )
OH, MY GOD!
THE PLOT TO MAKE HIM LOOK LIKE A
SEXUAL HARASSER IS COMING FROM
INSIDE DONALD TRUMP'S PENIS
( LAUGHTER )
NOW, I'M GOING TO GO OUT ON A
LIMB HERE AND GUESS THAT CBS
BLURRED SOME OR ALL OF THIS
IMAGE-- BUT I CAN ASSURE YOU,
LIKE A REARVIEW MIRROR, OBJECTS
ON THE CHALKBOARD ARE SMALLER
THAN THEY APPEAR.
( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
NOTORIOUS!
IT ALL MAKES SENSE!
WHO MADE DONALD TRUMP WALK INTO
THAT MISS UNIVERSE DRESSING
ROOM?
( LAUGHTER )
WHO MADE HIM BRAG ON THAT BUS?
( LAUGHTER )
WHO'S IDEA WAS IT TO RUN FOR
PRESIDENT IN THE FIRST PLACE?
( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
I MEAN --
( APPLAUSE )
THERE IS NO OTHER WAY TO SAY
IT -- IT'S BEEN UNDER OUR NOSE
THE WHOLE TIME.
SAY HELLO TO JON BATISTE AND
STAY HUMAN, EVERYBODY.
