 
Strange Lives of Black Folks

By CP Hunter

Preface

Most of us have questioned our own existence at some point. We spend a great deal of time searching for those answers. I am one of them. Throughout my life I have listened to the philosophies of both scholars and non-scholars. Nothing was above or beneath me. I felt that knowledge is knowledge no matter where or whom it is coming from. But somehow the words of others only gave me momentary satisfaction and understanding. Nothing stuck which left me in a state of wander. This is where many of us are, spiritually and mentally, and this is why many will relate to the stories and the ideas expressed in this book.

The short stories that shape this book are enriched with colorful characters, original poems and quotes (from great writers). The philosophies that I share throughout this book are a combination of innovative ideas and forgotten theories. The personalities are named from family members that have passed away but had an impact on how I view life, in that, their death caused me to think about existence a little deeper.

The dialog between the characters are a realistic depiction of typical conversations, in that, as we discuss any relevant topic with no concrete answers we tend to contradict ourselves- the purpose of the conversation is to grow and learn and not to prove that we are right. In this regards all of the characters will contradict themselves.

There is some tongue and cheek involved in the different theories. While it can be insightful food for thought, it is also meant to poke fun at the sometimes ridiculous philosophical approaches to life that confuses people more than give understanding to the many questions we have. A stream of consciousness is displayed in all of the characters as they try to explain their ideas. I would hope that after reading, "Strange Lives of Black Folks," my readers would realize that throughout our lives we will always question our existence. We will never find one true answer yet we will spend most of our lives searching for it. One of our many vices is that we will never be satisfied and because of that we can either destroy ourselves or improve the quality of life for future generations.

Excerpts:

God is everything that anybody has ever said it was. He is the omnipresent because he is Energy -all energy in all forms at all times. Energy is responsible for our existence. It is Energy that allows All to exist and All to be created. It is this energy that we drink from as it continuously flows out the faucet of eternity. All we have to do is turn it on. This is not meant to oversimplify the power of God because the power of Energy is everything. God has to be comprehendible. If we know how energy works then we know how God works.

We are the little gods that form The Ultimate God. Thus we are the gods we are searching for.

We attach ourselves to things and people mostly out of fear of death. People and things make us feel alive. When we don't have anything around us, we feel worthless or dead. Look at people and all forms of life as a part of nature and therefore a part of you because we are all bonded by the natural laws of the universe.

We have to get comfortable with not knowing. You can only prepare yourself for that final bow but so much. Once the curtains open and death reveals itself to you, you don't know how you are going to respond. Everyone wants a beautiful ending, but there are no guarantees.

Take a chance in life and live out your dreams. The further away you get from your dreams the closer you get to death.

The answer will never come to you through obsessive thinking. It is when you are in the center of experiencing life that you will find all you need.

To show people that you love them should not be that exhausting of a task if you are committed to love. Find the method that works best for each individual in need and implement it.

Sometimes we may not realize how much we were loved, even if it is just by one person, until we reach our end.

Persistent love that tests its own boundaries is the solution

We are only a thought away from dreaming the "Big Dream" that will save this world.

The age of the soul depends on the depth of experiences it encounters not how many lives it has lived.

We are a continuation of our former selves. Where we are spiritually in this present life tells us where we left off.

Your childhood is an untamed spirit that responds just the way it supposed to. It is not until we are programmed to imitate others do we lose our niche.

We have to know the source in order to understand the purpose

You are still part of the universe but spiritually you are not holding up your end of the bargain (to do your part).There are many of us that because of lack of desire to work with the universe becomes a burden to it.

We have to get comfortable knowing that most of us will never have what we want.

The mind has an insatiable desire to want what it is not supposed to have. Love is a deadly weapon in the wrong hands. Money comes easy for people who just simply want love.

We are manifestations of the mind. The mind is the origin of the human body. The human body did not create the mind, the mind created the human body. Before you create anything the thought must be there then it manifests physically.

Introduction

Strange spirits share their stories of regret with a new soul ready to enter or reenter the world. What they share reflect defining moments in each of their lives that prevented them from carrying out their purpose. In order to find peace they must properly prepare this soul to complete their unfinished work on earth. This mission must be completed so that the elevation of man can begin. But their conflicting philosophies on the world and human existence confuse the young spirit. Since they all make such convincing arguments she is left with the world altering decision of which one to follow.

" _We all have a story to tell. Personal experience is all that one truly knows. It is with that knowledge that we form our beliefs and values which guides us throughout our lives. Life is a preparation for that one defining moment called death. It is at this moment that we will be confronted with all that we were meant to do. Our life will testify for or against us. Then we will know whether we succeeded in our journey."_

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This is dedicated to the memory of my mother

Yvonne Walker

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# Strange Lives of Ordinary People

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# Chapter One: The Ending
# Chapter Two: Ford (Attachment)
Chapter Three: Gwendolyn's Life (Responsibility)

Chapter Four: Athena (Self-love)

Chapter Five: Silky's End (Insanity)

Chapter Six: Meheret (The Key)

Chapter Seven: Finally: Yvonne and the New Beginning

The Lost Soul

Chapter One

The Ending

Although I was spared the moment of dying alone, death came too soon for my young spirit. My family and friends surrounded me, all locked into something so intriguing yet fearful that they remained my startled spectators. They were able to live vicariously through this shunned reality, but stood a safe distance away as not to contaminate their own lives. I allowed them to see through my compelling eyes and steal a glimpse of their ultimate destiny.

A first- hand account of this event interfered with any romanticized notions of their last moment. They watched me in the midst of losing my dignity. This noxious woman drifting away in front of them could not be evaded. My beauty dissolved in an uncontrollable sweat that still worked to cool my body. The ugliness craved their attention, which saddened me. A human touch was all I desired.

Those people awaiting my passing became strangers. I thought I knew them, however, in the darkness I felt nothing. Their facial features vanished as the eyes of nothingness emerged.

I waited for the light to direct me but the darkness reeled me in. I tried to inhale the smell of life yet nothing came to mind. I tried listening to its' chaotic sounds, however no reply echoed. I tried to move my eyes to find something to gravitate towards but my vision failed me. I tried moving my body to assure myself that I still controlled some aspect of me. However, all senses my collapsed, save one. I could taste my death. The closer I got to my last breath the more distinct it became. The flavor of burning venomous blood trickled down my throat.

I still don't fully understand the details of what occurred that night but perhaps, in the end, I'm to blame. After all I was solely responsible for taking my last breath. As I relinquished my final taste of life, a rush of trepidation washed over me. An insatiable desire to reveal something significant about this moment arose. I couldn't express it verbally. Only a few living souls could engage in nonverbal communication. I could only hope that one of my beloved visitors felt the last of my essence entering into their hearts as I left.

My new surroundings mystified me. I knew that I parted from my body but why did I continue to think and feel as if I were still alive. Minus the fear that binds one to this physical realm, everything else felt near to normal. The only difference was that I became a mere observer of life. Nothing seemed real. I must be in limbo I thought. Moments of malevolence while alive must have brought me here.

This was no happy medium. To observe the living but not take part of it was an agonizing experience. I began to wonder how long this would last or if there were any way out. I decided to focus in on the present moment and work my way back- a sensible approach to unveiling my death, I thought, which will then lead to that assured peaceful rest I was once promised.

However, I quickly discovered how complex this would be. Suddenly it all changed. Everything and everyone began to look amazingly peculiar because of their uncanny similarities. I was losing sight of the familiar and gaining a vision inconceivable unless experienced. The unseen no longer existed. It became part of all creation. Locating exactly where I was in a world that I could no longer recognize seemed impossible. First I had to learn how to distinguish the small differences.

As I continued to focus, I began to notice various shades of energy. It was like a sea of colors intertwined and only gained its independence by a swift wind, which then gave birth to the waves that momentarily defined their individuality. Everything was losing its physical form. It was separated only by these different shades of energy vibrating at various frequencies. The further away I went; the individual shades of energy even lost its autonomy. It became a combination of colors that created the aura of the world. It was beautiful but I know it would not last. I had to attach myself to something quickly. My vision was fading and so were these shades of energy.

Then a familiar scene passed me by but without a chance to catch it. Like that, it came and went. However, I could still feel its effects. I felt as if I were being possessed by an unresolved emotion. The more I concentrated, the more feelings that didn't initially belong to me became part of me. I remembered the sorrow eyes of a person that I once knew. She now resides in this desolate but comfortable place. I knew that I had to approach this "thing" delicately. As confusing as this experience had been, I felt that she held the answers. I needed her to come to me again in hopes that it would pour into me and reunite our souls.

I waited. When she finally returned, others were with her. I felt five united spirits around me. Something about our surroundings felt different. It was as if we were limited to a restricted space similar to that of a closet or closed coffin. Darkness prevailed here with just a few flickers of light that offered a false sense of hope. The electrical current intensified as my fear built. I put out a vigorous pulsation of anguish until I got a reaction.

"Join me and you will change your perception" Something spoke in such a gentle vibration that I began to calm down. Our magnetic forces became one as she led me to a more relaxed state. My tension level soon subsided. I finally felt weightless.

"Where are we?"

"I don't know. What I do know is how you feel. Your mind is like a jungle right now but it does get better at times. At least for a while you'll find peace in the midst of confusion.

"Where did the others go?"

"They're still here. You need to focus on one thing at a time. Get use to me first then I will introduce the others."

"You are not the same spirit that I felt before. Why did that first spirit bring you guys to me?"

"So that our stories could be told. Let me introduce myself, I'm Athena and I've been here the longest. I can only speculate as to why we're here. I believe that the answer lies somewhere within all of our stories. With that in mind I think that we should share our lives with you. However some of us are not ready to speak. That comes in time. I have witnessed each of their stories as they unraveled. Therefore, I can speak for those who choose not to. Once they have heard their own story they should regain their fervor and speak for themselves.

We will try to answer any questions that you may have along the way. We need your fresh eyes to see what we're overlooking. Many here believe that this is the end for all of us but we are refusing it. They think that we are all in a coma state sharing the same atmosphere and that is our connection. Once we are physically detached from this world that would be it for us. I believe that you are here to set us free from life or death; whichever is holding us captive.

Perhaps you're only here to save one of us. Perhaps that one will be given an opportunity to experience life again. Maybe, just maybe, the rest of us will act as aides and experience life again only through that individual. At least this is what has come to me so far. I'll begin with the story of Al Ford. His story is one of unrequited love. These are the events that led up to his perceived death.

Chapter Two

Ford

Like most couples that don't have the initial love necessary in a healthy relationship, Della based her marriage on hope- a constant battle. She thought that if she believed strongly enough anything was possible, even love. She waited patiently but continually struggled with truth. Everything else was there. Respect was never an issue and neither was sacrifice. They both sacrificed a little of themselves in order to make the best out of their relationship. Yet, in Della's heart, the unexplainable thing that separates friends from lovers was missing. An attraction beyond just the surface was needed for their relationship to be an honest one.

Observers saw them as the perfect couple. It was hard not to notice the natural way they balanced one another. Della communicated well with others. Everyone admired her confidence. It made an otherwise ordinary woman quite attractive. Ford wasn't very talkative but Della made it simple for him. All he needed to do was respond. Her ability to make anyone feel comfortable was how the friendship began.

They often saw each other in school and around the neighborhood. Della always spoke first to Ford, and he usually responded with a boyish smile. He had a mysterious charm about him that even he was unaware of, but often got him whatever he wanted including Della.

The first time that they said more than one word to each other was during their senior year in high school. Della had asked Ford if he had planned to go to college. When they realized that they were both headed for the same school a bond of convenience developed. It didn't take long for Ford to begin expressing feelings towards Della. With little to no consideration, Della decided to give it a try, hoping that those genuine feelings would come later. Since they were still young she saw their growth as a realistic possibility.

There was no doubt that Ford was a good man and very modest about his accomplishments. During their college years Ford excelled in his medical program. In contrast, due to a family tragedy Della did not complete college. She received continuous support from Ford both emotionally and financially.

Ford finished school and received his degree, but it was easily forgotten. He didn't doggedly carry it around awaiting an opportunity for acknowledgment. Out of consideration for Della, he humbled his success around her. Della found Ford's effortless acts of selflessness refreshing. This convinced her that his love was unconditional, although it was difficult for her to understand. She felt that Ford deserved better. She no longer had the poise that once completed her. Without her confidence Della had nothing else to offer anyone. She saw her college experience as evidence of her mediocre existence. This disappointment was a constant reminder of how average she truly was.

It was never an issue with Ford and because of this she became attached. Yet out of concern for Della, Ford tried convincing her to finished school hoping that this would allow her to regain her assurance. She replied with the dismal comment, "it's too late." Besides Ford's subtle hints regarding starting a family was a welcoming conciliation for her. Since her feelings were meticulously increasing for Ford, she felt that their relationship might finally blossom.

She eventually grew to love Ford as one would love a pet. Ford's clean looks, intellect, and benign personality was all that she thought she needed. She was determined to not allow this opportunity to pass her by. Yet plagued by pride, she waited patiently for Ford to make it official.

They had already been living together for almost two years in a small one-bedroom apartment. It was close to town and very convenient for Ford since he worked at a pharmaceutical company twenty minutes away. Knowing things would get better, she didn't complain about their transitory living arrangements. She was already playing the role of a housewife before it was finalized.

When he got the courage to ask Della to marry him, she answered before he could finish- making it less awkward for both of them. Neither of them were romantics. She saw the ring and ignored the truth. She reasoned that because the foundation of their relationship was based on friendship the transition into marriage shouldn't be too complicated.

Somewhere in between the years, she lost herself and all that remained was an lifeless casing. This once very expressive human being withdrew from conversations with others including Ford. She slowly became a recluse yet still committed to not being alone.

After fifty-four years of marriage a day of reckoning was not far behind. Della finally concluded that hope was never enough to carry a marriage. The doubts that she tried desperately in the past to ignore began to surface. She could not endure the torturous thoughts of growing old with someone that she never learned to love. She only wished that they had remained friends. Fifty-four years yet she could never reciprocate her husband's love. During all those years, Ford appeared content with any brand of affection Della was willing to give to him. He didn't expect nor did he need much from her. His only request through their years together was for her to bare his children. Her obligation to him rendered no other answer but to at least please him in that respect. She happily obliged his requests in hopes that it would bring them closer and substitute for something that was not naturally there.

They raised five children and buried two of them. Their depths of ever growing silence were interrupted during the years spent raising their children. The loss of their two children was the only justifiable moment for the increased silence. After the children were no longer part of their daily lives, silence was now the only thing that they shared. This silence had no place amongst the living.

They maintained mutual respect and continued living together in this manner. Ford was all Della knew; therefore she tolerated the misery he unknowingly brought to her. Until the day an outburst of discontent finally erupted. Della had too much time alone that day and treasured the relief it brought. This was the first time she had been alone to think in a long time.

Ford had come home late that night from a weekend fishing trip. When he turned on the kitchen light he could see Della laying across the couch in the moonlit living room. Her face gave a peaceful yet somber expression. He moved about quietly so as not to wake her. As he made his way gently through the living room and towards the stairs, he heard what sounded like weeping coming from Della. Unsure of her level of consciousness, he did not want to fully awaken her. He tried hard to avoid all the cracks in the steps that he became familiar with during the twenty-one years spent in that house. He heard constant movements and knew she had awakened.

"Ford, I need to talk you," she said in the most pitiful voice that Ford had ever heard.

The voice surprised him. Halfway up the steps he turned around and looked at Della sitting listlessly. Even more pitiful than her voice was her disposition. This was the first time Ford could actually see Della's true age. It was evident in her voice and in the pathetic slow motions of her body. He felt sorry for her and didn't know why.

"You said something Dee?"

"Yeah... we need to talk," she faintly replied.

By the sound of her voice, Ford thought that maybe she had been drinking but he glanced around and saw nothing to support it. For all the years he had known her, he never saw her once take a drink. Even if he would occasionally bring home some wine, she would never taste it. In fact she despised alcohol. This, he believed, was because of the accident that killed her parents while she was still in college.

He calmly made his way back down the stairs and sat across from her on the old recliner. The kids played on it so much that it took too much effort to adjust it to the reclining position. No one had patience for it so they simply forgot about its special use. He sat so close to the edge of it that any quick movement on his part would have caused him to slide right off.

"You okay?"

"No... no I'm not okay," Della replied in an almost pleading manner.

Noticing her response, Ford did not know what to say. He struggled to find the right reaction. He knew that he should truly be concerned. This was the first time he had seen Della cry since the death of their children. He had gotten used to the way things were and thought that everything was okay. It bothered him to see Della acting this way. He spoke curiously, "What's wrong Dee... what's the matter?"

"It's not just me...it's us Ford"

"What is it Dee?"

They looked at each other in the eyes for a brief time, forgetting about their mutual habit of avoiding such intimacy. It was different now.

"We don't love each other. You knew it all along and never said anything?"

"What are you talking about...you know that's not true"

"It's true Ford, you don't love me. You never cared to know me."

"What's the matter? Where is all this comin' from Dee... of course I know you. We've known each other since high school... high school Dee. Remember? That had to be more than fifty years ago... Don't do this Dee-not now. We're just too old for this...we just too old." he said persuasively.

"You should not have allowed me to do this to you. I robbed you of true love. It just ain't right."

"Why now Dee, why are you saying all this now" he collapsed his head in his hands.

"Don't you know what I'm talking about?"

He looked up. Thinking that it was some secret Della needed to share Ford pressed her to tell him. At that instant he felt that whatever it was he would be willing to forgive. His main objective was to make her feel better. He believed once she got it out and she saw how forgiving a man he was she would be okay. They would be okay again.

"Come on honey, let it out. What is it?"

Della knew that she had to respond but was unsure how. It was too late to turn around. She didn't want to hurt him but her words were not chosen very carefully.

"After all these years Ford you must have felt it."

Ford did not respond during her terse moment of hesitation. He continued to listen apprehensively, beginning to feel a bit uneasy as to where this was leading.

"I never loved you Ford, didn't you know that."

She let out a descanting cry and continued, "Why couldn't you see that, I mean all these years and you couldn't see the sorrow in my eyes. It shouldn't have had to come to this but you never understood. I was waiting for the day that you would see it but you never did. You're so full of hope that you let it blind you. You forgot about love. You sacrificed being loved for the sake of me. Why did you let me deprive you of that? You should not have settled for me. I was miserable with you and you didn't even know it... There were times I had even wondered what it would be like if we had never gotten married. I know that this sounds awful but it's just how I feel most of the time."

She saw his eyes sort of drift away as if to say enough but she continued. She knew she had to finish now.

"We wasted all this time together and I just can't pretend to love you anymore. You shouldn't have wanted to live like this either. It was too much work for us. Now look at us. We're old! This house is old! The damn furniture is old! Everything around us is old. There's nothing-nothing in here to tell us that we're alive!"

Della then stopped, fearing that any more words might be too harmful. She waited, giving him time to absorb her words.

They sat there for several minutes with only a coffee table between them. Not even the dependable sounds of the television or radio typically used when silence got too intense could rescue them. Only loud movements of discomfort could be heard.

Della leaned back and let out a deep suppressed breath. Unaware of his own motions, Ford watched Della's every move. He observed this woman for the first time, the way a stranger would a willing victim. He did not see that frail hidden creature that once attracted him. Gone was that inner beauty that he gave her. He saw nothing. Nothing in her for him to fight for, except the fifty-four years he dedicated to them. He had rescued her from a life of loneliness but no longer felt honored by her humility.

Yet he somehow found the strength to pursue. He remembered a promise that he made to Della's parents when they first left for college. He promised that he would take care of her. He told them that nothing would happen to her as long as he was alive. He now had a reason to continue his role as a supportive husband especially during times of despair. His obligation protected him and gave him a reason to continue.

He was still submerged in emotions that he didn't know existed within him. Every word rested heavily on his tongue. He, too, aged as he fought to get up from the recliner. He continued back up the steps. But then turned around and spoke gently, almost whispering to himself.

"We're just too old to start over now...no one should die alone, not even you."

Knowing that this was indeed her reality, Della said nothing. She simply lied back across the couch as if the conversation never occurred.

After hearing his story Ford's spirit was ready to speak: I suffered a stroke soon after and died. I finally freed the both of us from one another and have been here ever since. As for Della, she kept on living several years after my death. She remarried a younger man. The $725,000 insurance policy was quite enticing. He left her two years later after spending most of the money. She didn't have the means for a decent burial. Her body was laid to rest in Potter's field along with the rest of the countless souls that have been betrayed by their love ones.

When love is defined by time it eventually grows, but by a mutual understanding of what it supposed to be. Yet, she could no longer act the role that love required. My story is nothing new. Della made it clear to me that day that my function was to fill a void. That is the most selfish thing a person could do in a relationship. Everyone deserves to experience love in its fullest and I was robbed of that opportunity. However, I cannot fully blame her. I was a willing participant. I confess, it best served me to ignore the signs then. I thought that because I was a loving supportive husband that everything would work out in the end. My purpose was to protect my purpose, which was Della. As long as she depended on me for her survival, my life was meaningful.

However, I wasted too much time on one person when I could have helped hundreds if not thousands of others. I believe with every interaction there is a chance to change someone's life with something as simple as a smile or words of encouragement. The faces that I ignored now disturb me. I should have rebelled against complacency. Perhaps then, she would have truly respected and love me as a husband.

We all have a rebellious nature but some of us try to ignore it because we believe it to be a negative trait. Rebellion can work to your advantage and serve a higher calling. If I had rebelled against my inert nature I would have triumphed in death. It is too easy to do nothing but the bare minimum. I never put my all into anything but my useless morals. The relationship I had with my wife, lacked definition. We were a simple computer program that functioned through repetition. There was a sense of familiarity that we both clung to until one of us was brave enough to say let's end the charade. The end of the charade meant the end of my life. Although I lived a long life it meant nothing.

My spirit questioned Ford, "What would you tell your children? Is there any advice that you wish to give them?"

I would encourage them to build strong and healthy relationships without a strong emphasis on romance. Establishing meaningful relationships with family and friends will alleviate the pressure we feel to get married and invest our entire life in one soul. I limited my relationships to one. I never knew what it was like to have someone so dear to you that you could consider him or her a brother or sister. That's what we both needed. We needed another outlet. It could have saved our marriage. There was nothing healthy about our relationship. It was all based on compulsive fear that ironically came to fruition. Our fear drew reality near.

Like Della, I also feared dying alone. No one wants to live alone and no one wants to die alone. Loneliness is a form of death, perhaps worse, in that you experience loneliness but death is the end of everything including loneliness. If you don't believe that you're loved, a sense of loneliness will always be with you no matter how many people you're surrounded by. Most people, knowingly or unknowingly, settle for anything to avoid loneliness. We all suffer from loneliness because we're aware of our immortality and we allow it to haunt us. We know our ultimate fate ends in aloneness. But having someone in your presence doesn't take away the void within. I attached myself to a love that didn't exist, which resulted in an unhealthy relationship.

Many confuse attachment with love. They believe that attaching themselves to something (anything that brings temporary joy or a zest for life) is better than detachment from the world. They think that by detaching you are not fully living because you are avoiding hurt and pain. However, you can be passionate about life without becoming obsessed with feelings. Enjoy and love life without the attachment to impermanence. Attachment denotes dependency. Simply love the moment for what it is and you will partake in the beauty of life. Connect with the moment by embracing all that the present time has to offer and then let it go.

That is what's meant by enjoy each moment. If you attach yourself to something other than that given moment, you won't be able to appreciate the next moment because you'll be stuck in the past. You can reflect on it but don't live in it. Sometimes a present moment may trigger a reflection on a similar event that previously transpired, which is a natural process. Aside from that, there's no room for compulsive reflection which usually brings about regret. Once we define ourselves by people and events from the past we become attached to those things. Moments have a life of their own and they soon pass as do everything else. Remember, our experiences will always be a part of us so we never truly lose it. If you know this then there is no need to get attached.

When we go on vacation, we enjoy those moments but we don't get attached to it because we know it will not last. So we cherish it even more because we recognize how precious it is. Attachment leads to obsession, which is a dangerous territory. Instead of letting go you hold on to things that may not be good for you. But out of fear or habit most of us continue this practice.

"So attachment serve's no point. There's nothing worth becoming attached to in this world?"

What good is it to get attached to anything that's not yours? For your body doesn't even belong to you. It eventually returns to its origin. Your thoughts are not yours either. It's a slave to the circumstances that invented them (your lifetime experiences and the environment). Even those feelings that you believe define your soul are actually part of the brain that trigger emotions. You cannot feel, touch, or think without the brain telling you to do so. We humans get so caught up in this is my husband, that's my child, that's my house, that's' my degree, or that was my idea, but we all leave here with nothing. It's vital to your soul and spirit not to get attached to anything in this world including an idea. Share freely your ideas so that it does not die along with you, but instead has a chance to live out its purpose through someone else. Everything belongs to what created and formed it. It belongs to the universe.

Love is freedom so love without becoming attached. I know this is tricky to do because of our selfish desires. It takes will power to overcome your desires without becoming numb, however, mastering self is letting go of self. We must remember that humans are in a constant state of elevation. Elevation becomes stagnant when we stick to what is comfortable or what is momentarily gratifying. We progress by doing what is good for the universe not what is self soothing.

Getting attached to something or someone also takes away from us getting to know ourselves. We get so engulfed with being a part of something or someone that we lose our individuality.

# "But isn't that the point. Shouldn't we strive to lose our selfish individuality to become one with the universe? Isn't that the way to unity?"

If we lose our individuality too soon then we lose our individual meaning. We have to have an individual purpose to be of any "good purpose" while on earth. In the boundless universe we are seen as a whole before we are individuals. Here on earth we must become individuals before we can comprehend the whole. Edgar Allen Poe once said in his Mesmeric Revelation, "For mind, existing unincorporated, is merely God. To create individual, thinking beings, it was necessary to incarnate portions of the divine mind. Thus man is individualized. Divested of corporate investiture, he were God. Now the particular motion of the incarnated portions of unparticled matter is the thought of man; as the motion of the whole is God." There are different sets of rules for different planes. We have stages that we must go through in order to advance. We must begin filling the umbrella of love first with ourselves, then our family and community, and the rest of the world including animals and plant life.

"Since you mentioned God, I would be remised if I didn't ask where does God fit into your theory or do you not believe in God?"

God is everything that anybody has ever said it was. He is the omnipresent because he is Energy -all energy in all forms at all times. Energy is responsible for our existence. It is Energy that allows All to exist and All to be created. It is this energy that we drink from as it continuously flows out the faucet of eternity. All we have to do is turn it on. This is not meant to oversimplify the power of God because the power of Energy is everything. God has to be comprehendible. Energy sounds simple but if we know how energy works then we know how God works. Energy becomes complex when you factor in the many variations and variables it entails. Especially when we step outside the frame and see it all set in motion. There are billions of tiny cells that form one large cell-the human body. We are the little gods that form The Ultimate God.

"Okay, so what's the difference between being connected as opposed to being attached?"

A connection is what we always have. When we feel loved by many we feel the connection growing more and more. Once you link to something you feel a sense of togetherness. Loneliness exists because people don't understand their connection to everything that exists. Attachment is a mental and emotional dependency on something or someone. Connections are there whether we recognize them or not, attachment is forced and the beauty of the connection is lost.

If you feel connected to all that exist then loneliness does not have to be experienced even when you are alone. Attaching ourselves to something is a result of our own shortcomings. We are attaching ourselves to things for the wrong reason. We attach ourselves to things and people mostly out of fear of death. People and things make us feel alive. When we don't have anything around us, we feel worthless or dead. Look at people and all forms of life as a part of nature and therefore a part of you because we are all bonded by the natural laws of the universe. We are taking from the same life source. Love people because you know how precious any form of life is and you know it is not going to last forever, that is accepting life as it is. Appreciate all nature's creations and love the uniqueness each brings. No thing lasts forever except for authentic love. Love is the only part of you that will continue without you because it is part of a bigger entity that was on loan until you die. That energy resonates forever by finding new life in others.

It is the love from the universe that allows us to exist. Do what love does and go where it takes you. Connect yourself to love and you will appreciate every moment. By this I mean learn to love all forms of life. Relish the splendor of what you see, but acknowledge that it is the unseen (the spirit of all things) that is responsible for all existence. When you begin to feel the spirit of a thing, death is not the focus. Live in your conscious. Steadfastly think about your thoughts. If they are not conducive to your better being then terminate your way of thinking.

"How are we to embrace what we fear if that fear is death?"

If you notice that you are constantly thinking about death in a macabre sense then destroy those thoughts. It will do nothing for you but confirm your fears. But death is not the worst thing that could happen- suffering is. We didn't always exist, therefore we are simply ending where we began. We have to get comfortable with not knowing. You can only prepare yourself for that final bow but so much. Once the curtains open and death reveals itself to you, you don't know how you are going to respond. Everyone wants a beautiful ending, but there are no guarantees. Always remember what is important to you and stay true to the moral boundaries that you set for yourself. This will guide you through your journey. It is essential to feel a sense of fulfillment. Fulfillment brings about peace in the mind. Take a chance in life and live out your dreams. The further away you get from your dreams the closer you get to death. Equally, the closer you get to your dream the closer you get to self-fulfillment. Once you have fulfilled your dreams there is nothing left to live for- so dream big!

"So, focusing on death is not a way to get comfortable with the idea and perhaps make us less apprehensive about it when the time comes?"

Let's face it, thoughts on death while alive is all speculation derived from influential thoughts formulated into a notion that can never be proven. Original thoughts are scarce. Like John Barlett, "I, too, have gathered a posie of other men's flowers and nothing but the thread that binds them is mine own." We will never fully understand the mystery of death. What saddens us all is that no matter how much energy we exercise in getting the answers in this life they can only be answered by actually experiencing it. Death is an obsession for the living. Yet death itself is the observer of life and it awaits us patiently.

When we reach that other realm it will reveal itself and we will have the answers we searched for, in vane, while alive. A puzzle we spent our entire live trying to solve will be revealed in a matter of seconds. Don't spend your time questioning those things that you will never fully understand or you will miss the opportunity to experience life in its fullest. Ponder occasionally, but live your life. The answer will never come to you through obsessive thinking. It's when you are in the center of experiencing life that you will find all you need to know in this life.

We are obsessed with life and death. Life because it is all we know and death because it is the unknown. The thought of living in the unknown is a scary one because it means the end of what we once knew.

"So, do you believe in reincarnation on any level, if so what is the purpose does it serve?"

The purpose for reincarnation is the one we create. I believe in the transformation of energy as a part of nature's cycle where nothing can leave. We are born, we live, we die, and then the conversion of energy occurs. I will go so far as to say what we call a soul is energy that attached itself to matter to form a living being.

"If death is the end how is it that we are here, still existing in this unexplainable form?"

There is a part of us that always existed and will always exist. We are a thought- a thought that will always exist from the collective mind. But is this life after death? Did we really reach our final moment? Yes, to our observers we are dead and buried. To us, we are still alive as thinking beings and to the all seeing this moment is already a thing of the past. Perspective is everything. Or as the others might attest, this can simply be a glitch in the system. Something that is not supposed to happen or indeed something that supposed to happen. That's what we are trying to figure out. In the meantime all that I can hope for is that others learn from my mistakes.

The best advice that I could give to the living is to slow down. What you need to know will be revealed to you in time. Be open and ready to receive the messages for it will bring you closer to your destiny. There is nothing mystical about it because the messages that you receive are based on instinct, something that all animals have. No one shows a newborn how to suckle. It is instinctively set in motion by our genetic code, which is an unexplainable gift from nature. So you don't have to do much to find the answer you are looking for. In fact, seeking too much may block the answer from reaching you.

If we remembered all of our lives that the spirit experienced, of what use would it be? Your spirit knows everything because it is tied to the universe, but it would be too much for the mind. It would be more of a distraction to your current life. We would be stuck in the past and the hurt or happiness it brought us at that time. Too many memories wouldn't leave room for growth. Growth is needed in order to accomplish certain tasks for the sake of humanity, which will also give us a personal sense of achievement.

Those individuals who believe to have had past life experiences may be experiencing the impression that all life makes in this world. They may have the openness to invite the energy of the past. We can all see our past and future with relentless focus or we might be innately receptive to it. But it may not be as personal as we seem to think. Just because you feel a connection to the dead doesn't mean that you are personally connected to it. The power of electromagnetic forces causes us to see things and people that once lived in a particular place. We may think of it as a ghost but it is just remnants of resistant energy that once occupied an area. That apparition is not alive and does not think and feel. We are connected to all things but living your present life is all that matters. Living is our function thus our purpose.

"So there is no way we can prepare for a peaceful ending?"

The only peaceful way to enter death is to live life without any regrets. With regrets comes pain. Death offers us an opportunity to die peacefully, but we must accept it when it is offered. If we don't, we may continue to live but our quality of life will deteriorate. The only reason why people continue to live when death offers a peaceful way out is because they haven't come to terms with their regrets.

Our Song

# No one knows the heart of the lonely

Except one who too is alone

# They seek shelter in the most desolate places

For this is where hope resides

Traveling in space accompanied by none

They find love within themselves

Yet consumed by dreams for another

They create a likewise soul and conjoin together

in a state of this - an imagined bliss.

Chapter Three

Gwen's Life

Her wrinkles were traces of many regrets. The thought of dying was no longer an idea to avoid. It now brings solace to the act. When you have lived as she has, one recognizes truth. What was once a horrible picture was now something to embrace. Living in loneliness was a slow death that brought no peaceful returns.

She dedicated her life to her family and hoped to one day see the results. Her husband died when she was pregnant with their third child. She never remarried. She raised her children, one boy and two girls, with little help from others. She often left them home alone while she worked.

None of her children were very outgoing, which caused a unique bond between the siblings. They needed only each other. Daryl was her oldest child and a disappointment to her expectations. He struggled to maintain passing grades in private school. After three years without excelling, his mother decided to put him back into public school. She could not risk her livelihood on something not guaranteed.

As an adult he lacked the confidence in himself to become the success that she always envisioned. Yet he became a hard worker who made a decent living as a truck driver. Knowing that this would never be enough for his mother, he avoided her looks of discontent as much as possible.

He eventually married and had two children of his own. The children spoke frequently on the phone with their grandmother, but rarely visited, even though they only lived a few blocks away.

Mirror was the middle child. Her name was validated whenever mother and daughter were together. She was the replica of her mom. They not only looked alike but talked, laughed, and walked alike as well. They also shared an identical scarlet birthmark right above the right cheek. It became less visible on Mirror as time passed. And without it, their obvious connection was overlooked.

Unlike most middle children, attention was never an issue for Mirror. Her mother found new hope in her as years passed. She quickly gave Mirror the role that once belonged to Darryl. But like Darryl, Mirror had problems of her own. The subtle pressure from her mother caused her to drink heavily. Mirror used her drinking as a tool. She felt that it would be more excusable than the sexual desires that plagued her. Her drinking continued even when she became pregnant. What was unknown to her during the time of her drinking, were the effects this would have on her unborn child.

From an infant to toddler-age, Jacoby displayed abnormal behavior. As he got older both Mirror and the child knew that something was not quite right, but words were never spoken. They struggled with each other incessantly. She often questioned herself as to why she even had the child. And he didn't understand himself or the strange relationship he had with his mother. She was confronted with the problems of her child daily but dealt with it with ignorance. No longer able to ignore the indifference, all that the child had left in him was resentment. At the tender age of thirteen he viciously attacked his mom, which resulted in juvenile imprisonment and a scar across Mirror's neck. The feelings of shame and embarrassment caused Mirror to distance herself from the family. The distance also gave Mirror the opportunity to freely explore an alternative lifestyle without judgment. Once her mother took notice of the destiny Mirror chose, she let her go.

Aura was the youngest and more promising of the three. Yet her mother expectations for all of her children ceased. Observing the mistakes of her brother and sister, Aura conceded that her best bet was to get away from her mother as soon as possible. She became obsessed with the idea of leaving home. She took advantage of the first opportunity that would endorse her hopes. The military presented such an opportunity. Right after high school Aura joined the Air Force. It did not take long for her to meet a potential husband. During her first overseas assignment she met Hassan. He was a Muslim that she met while in Saudi Arabia. She embraced the transition. Islam quickly became her way of life.

The military lifestyle lost its' appeal, so Aura decided to take an unauthorized leave from the Air Force. After serving only two of her five years she clandestinely moved to Egypt. Starting a family of her own became her next obsession. Because of her devotion to Islam her priorities soon changed. Initially she sought redemption for her siblings. They used to be her sole source of motivation. Muslims were now her family and any dedication to her blood relatives were secondary. However, because of her duty as a Muslim, she often discussed Islam with them; in hopes of inspiring them to see a better way of life. After several attempts to convince her mother to convert and join her in Egypt, Aura, Kadijah respectfully, finally gave up. Although the guilt of never seeing her family bothered her at first she soon realized that it would be best- knowing the conflict each visit would bring.

Never the type to interfere with her children's choices, her mother decided to let her go as well. She never outwardly expressed her feelings towards her children, but it was easily felt. Each one knew where they stood and when they fell.

It had been years since she heard from any of her children and she didn't know who was to blame. After years of living alone and without a purpose, she knew there was nothing left of her or for her. Laughter, love, and tears had all abandoned her, leaving her with only the relentless voices of regret. It followed her through every spotless room in the house. She maintained her house as well as she maintained her children or at least she thought. There were no clear signs of rebellion. It, too, acted according to her desires, at least for a while. It stood as a symbol of her subtle power but now it had a voice. Every tainted thought was magnified. Through each mirror in the house a reflection of betrayal appeared.

All the time she had to reflect formed an incurable disease created by years of mounting loneliness. She appeared much older than her actual age of sixty-six. Her curved spine was her testament to years of work she put in for her children. The distorted hands she once used to wash their clothes and bath them surrendered to time. Yet she always found a reason to live through all of those physical ailments. But this new disease held no explanation. After years of abandoning her own health there was no one left to accommodate. The pain of anxiety became unbearable. She wanted to save her last two pills for later that night when the pain seemed to awaken in anger, but that wait proved to be too long. It was only mid-afternoon but she had hoped the effects of the pills would allow her to sleep through the night. She rocked herself back and forth in the chair and fell asleep within the hour. The pain persisted. Then she remembered how relaxing alcohol made her feel that one time. Perhaps it will help her now too. And it did.

A week had passed before Darryl finally found her still sitting in the chair. The years she spent sitting up in the rocking chair to avoid the confrontation of death was all in vain. It would be where she would take her last breath. Perhaps she would have it no other way. Her final grimacing frown was evidence that it was not a peaceful transition. The last of her dignity and pride, too, had left.

Daryl drove by the house several times for two weeks prior to her death. Recent moments of concern began to surface within him. He felt pity for a woman who chose loneliness over love, pride over comfort, indifference over concern, control over a peace of mind, and agony over agony. Only two times did he muster up enough courage to ring the bell. When she didn't answer it never occurred to him that something could be wrong. It was typical of her to ignore the irritating sounds of humanity. Seeing a light on in the house often brought him comfort in his mom's safety. But now he remembered what he had seen days before as he drove pass the house after work. He noticed from the lighting of her bedroom a figure sitting at the window in the dark of the night with the shades still open. It didn't occur to him then but now he knew that his mother would never expose her vulnerability so blatantly to the world.

Darryl took care of the funeral arrangements including locating his siblings. Sadness was felt by each child when they came to bid farewell to their mom and to formally say goodbye to each other.

For years, the detachment from his siblings did not seem to bother Darryl, but regret would not suffice. He was the oldest and felt responsible for allowing the tradition of his mother to continue. However, that sense of responsibility did not prevail. After a few feeble attempts at a sibling reunion, he knew that they were too engulfed in their own lives to be bothered by potential discomfort. And casual politeness was too exhausting of a task. Without saying a word, they mutually agreed not to disturb the life each of them now lived. In their own way they were free.

As for their mother, she was never free and that's why she's here with the rest of you.

"Now that you see how your life affected others what would you have done differently?"

"I would have expressed my love to my children in the way that they needed me to not how I saw fit. I realized early on in my life, through the death of my husband, that we are alone in this world. I allowed that to prevent me from loving altogether to protect myself from hurt and disappointment. It simply numbed me and that was no way to live. Having emotions and showing affection towards people is a precious thing. We are physical creatures and sometimes love needs to be expressed physically. I should not have assumed that they knew I loved them simply because I was their mother. People need to feel that they are special. We all know how we would personally like to feel and there is no better joy than treating others in that same manner. Don't be careless with people's feelings.

"Basically, you are saying treat others the way you want to be treated?"

"Not only that. It's important not to base any relationship solely on the way someone treats you for they may have ulterior motives. Observe the way they treat others not just family and friends but strangers as well. We should try not to justify our cruel or rude behavior by claiming that it is just who I am." Unless you like hurting people, consider changing who you are if your words or actions hurt people. If the truth hurts more than it helps what use is it? People want to know that their life means something to someone. As long as this is expressed to them in a sincere manner most will have a positive response. When an avenue to their soul is established their goodness will be exposed. The answer is so simple- treat others not only the way you want but also how you would want your loved ones treated. Look into the eyes of all children and see your child, niece or nephew. See that stranger as your brother or sister. View the old lady crossing the street as your grandmother. Lastly, see that homeless person as yourself, without judgment.

The truth is that we are not created equal. Thus some of us need more help than others. Some of us need to work collectively and reject individualism. Yes, we are born equally as important as anyone else. We are also born with the ability to reach our full potential. However, many of us are not given the opportunity to reach the desires of the universe. The unique circumstances we are born into makes a clear distinction between whose life matters in this world and which ones don't. Those who are deemed worthy are given more opportunities in life. This doesn't mean that it is impossible for disadvantaged groups to reach their full potential. It just means that they will have more obstacles to face and instead of opportunities coming to them they have to fanatically search for and create their own opportunities.

During the tragedy in New Orleans I asked myself what good could come out of this. And all I could come up with was a new day brings hope to the survivors. Now they are forced out of their comfort zone of living in poverty. Sometimes a change in location is all one need to get motivated. Change can bring upon new possibilities for parents and their children.

"Is it possible that people are just too stressed out with their own problems to care?"

We cannot allow our environment to define or mold us. The fact that our location challenges us makes it possible for us to learn valuable lessons. We may look at the ghetto as a place of damnation but it is crucial that we grasp the importance of why we are here. We are meant to work together but only a few understand this. It is ignorance that is preventing progression within our community. The people within these neighborhoods do not realize there is a better way to live. They believe that this is just the way things are. And those with the financial and educational resources to make changes in this community don't care. They do not care because it does not appear to directly affect them, but it affects everyone.

"There is a divine reason that some people are born into certain situations?"

We have to recognize the point of being put on earth and into our specific circumstances. There are many forms of death. It is an ending to something, but it is also forgetfulness, forgetting who we are. We must remember who we are and why we are here. The abundant amount of suffering souls surrounding us should make clear our purpose – to remember who we are. We must be willing to embrace every aspect of our people without the fear of embarrassment. It is this fear and embarrassment that is our downfall. We don't want to help certain individuals because we feel it represents the worst of who we are. Many of us want to ignore what we perceive to be in line with the stereotypes. But the only way we can really live out our full potential is to do it collectively. What good is success without having others to share it with? Too many of us are forced to the wayside. Our job is to empower them and bring them back up so they can be productive citizens.

"Why are some people embarrassed about where they came from?

They are embarrassed because of the way people within their own race speak and act. Their behavior is not conducive to the European way of life that most blacks have learned to assimilate and admire. So to see others act in a certain way, especially around whites, make them feel exposed. They see the brother expressing himself via his clothing or his language, as an ignorant person and a reflection on the race. ( _The ghetto has its own voice and language. We should not be afraid or embarrass by it. It is ours. Clearly we established our own dialect, words, and use of traditional words because we never felt comfortable speaking this still foreign language that was imposed on us, but we continue to make the best of it. The truth is that many of us ,who are aware, feel like imposters when we master the language and accept the lifestyle of our oppressors. Our soul speaks another language and long for its use. This is why we constantly form our own words and own definitions because it knows that the one forced upon us is not ours. Through concentrated effort some of us have managed to master the art of this foreign language, but it didn't come naturally. It is not our native tongue. Therefore many of us may struggle with it. So we make the best out of it in the best way we know how, by creating our own sublanguage. This is how many languages are formed. Ebonics is an example of our creativity. Those that are embarrassed by our need to create need to ask themselves why. Who are we trying to impress? Or are we trying to ignore a part of who we are? This is not to say that we shouldn't master this language because we should overcome all barriers that are presented to us. But don't belittle someone because of their verbal expression.)_

"Is your message exclusively for blacks?"

"I am talking specifically about blacks but this goes for any group of people who may find themselves in this predicament. We could easily become what we hate and despise. We do not want to see the vulnerability that lies within us all. We cannot continue to run from our brothers and sisters in their time of need. Many have stated that people are poor because they make poor decisions. If this is the case then those of us so inclined to make better choices should choose to uplift humanity. By becoming fisher of men we all become self- sufficient and need not rely on anyone or any organization forever.

It is not entirely the fault of the drug addict, drug dealer, thief, or homeless person. With every circumstance there is a story behind it. We have to look at the role of an unjust society and what we do or choose not to do to remedy the problem in the system. If we choose to avoid looking at the situation of our brothers and sisters, we are not helping our community and if we are not helping we are indeed hindering it. Nobody is beyond help and as long as you are breathing it is never too late. It is not how you lived your life it is how you end the journey that is important.

There is a force in everyone that long for better days. We must believe that every day brings us closer to that better day. We have to live with a sense of urgency as if every move shapes our success or failure. We must bring that sense of urgency out of ourselves and out of others. Those that can help better our situation but choose not to must be held accountable. For example, our idleness regarding the mentally ill, specifically paranoid schizophrenics, will eventually come back to haunt us. These are human beings with amazing intellectual capacity. They see things we do not, thus having creativity we could only imagine. But they are suffering with mental anguish We don't know what to do so we choose to do nothing. We have to discontinue the thought pattern that allows an easy excuse to get out of our responsibilities. Instead of distancing ourselves from the negative aspects of our community we need to actively find and implement long-term solutions. The solution begins with deprogramming our minds. The solution to our problems, thus society's problem is not prescription pills, incarceration, pr being a slave to the system. The solution is freedom. Freedom from all of the above.

Everyone has obstacles that they must overcome. I saw life for what it was for me at the time, a series of pain, especially for those within the ghetto. The environment was an obstacle that I should have tackled. My thoughts could have changed the world instead I allowed my circumstances to have the final word. I should have been a leader in my community; instead I lived in fear for my children. I was supposed to let that fear motivate me to help others. There is nothing to fear if you live the life set out for you. It is the life that you decide to take on, one that makes you happy and fulfilled. You decide that as you learn, grow, and understand yourself. You will then know what is best for you. And then there comes a time to set it in motion. Take everything into consideration when trying to discover your purpose (where you were born, who you parents are, the other people in your life, and how you would want to empower them or the role you play in their lives) Begin to play close attention to the events, good or bad, that occur in your life. It is leading you somewhere. All elements are leading you to your passion. No matter what your fate will find you and be prepared when it does. If you are not prepared it will consume you, but if you are prepared the world opens and you understand everything in its simplest form.

I truly wanted the best for everyone, but as time passed hoped dwindled. Passivity grew and became a form of weakness. Weakness can have detrimental side effects, which may benefit the forces working against us. Many moments in my life required me to take a stand but I refused. I became stubborn and ignored whatever was going on around me. It is imperative to take a stand whenever the need exists. If you don't stand for something you will fall for anything. You will believe anything that anybody tells you because you didn't seek truth for yourself. When the truth finally hits you it will be too late to respond effectively.

Know what your weaknesses are and make the most out of them. Do the opposite of what you really want to do-leave outside your comfort zone. If you find that you lack leadership skills, start small and seek out leadership roles. If you are a jealous person and that jealousy causes you to react harshly towards an individual do the opposite of what it tells you to do. If it tells you not to speak to someone, speak! It is not being phony. It is defeating your weaknesses and taking control of your life. Your weaknesses can stifle you in so many ways. It can prevent you from establishing necessary relationships with people who can help you reach your goal.

"How do we begin to help our community?"

I would suggest beginning with people who are already in your life, like your family. I know it can be the most challenging situation to deal with because of the emotions already built up within us, but we must see pass our frustrations. Since we were born under the same circumstances as our brother or sister we do not understand why they put themselves in certain predicaments. But people aren't as strong as we would like them to be. Want more for them than they want for themselves. People handle pain differently. There may be events that happened to both of you but only you were able to overcome them. Also, people may have treated them differently all their lives because they were not charming enough or they didn't put out the right energy to attract people. So it is difficult to compare experiences even if they appear to be the same. Really, it is pointless to compare human tragedies. Hurt is hurt but some people are able to get over theirs easier.

Many of us are willing to help a detached stranger rather than a struggling sibling. It is too easy to give money to a homeless person as a testament to your good deeds, but it takes time and effort to fight for those that you think you understand. We must have compassion and understand that we are products of our environment, but not victims of it. Those with a true listening ear should know what they are supposed to be doing. Our lives, the souls of the ghetto, were specifically designed with others in mind. Most of us feel that obligation to the universe, which is why we feel discomforted whenever we pass by a homeless person or a drug addict without offering help. We must adhere to these feelings before we become aloof to their condition. We cannot continue to pacify the situation either with monetary goods.

"There are many people that need help. You can walk pass several people in one day and then you will see them again the next day. Are we not to turn anyone down? Where do we draw the line?"

I'm not suggesting that you save the world but do what you can when you can. To show people that you love them should not be that exhausting of a task if you are committed to love. Find the method that works best for you. If you have to set boundaries and say I will only give to women stay true to your conviction. If you say I will only give to the first person I see let that be your boundary. Just do something. A nice thought is nothing unless you put it into action. Letting an injured soul know that they are still cared about is the first step. This is unconditional love that has no agenda other than working for love sake. It is what everyone desires. Begin with the small acts that mean a lot. Give someone a hug when you see him. Take time to listen to a person and offer advice, if appropriate. You can support someone without supporting his or her habits. Action is all it takes to set the thought in motion with a chain of events to follow.

"But suppose you spend all this time trying to help others and don't get a positive result. It would be all for nothing."

The time and energy that is put into saving someone's soul will never be in vain regardless of the outcome. Even if a person dies without conquering the demons of the ghetto (drugs, crime, etc.) her final defining moment maybe when she recognize the unconditional love and support she was given to her by someone like you. This moment might be where that love is embraced and gives her the peace of mind she needs upon leaving earth. Sometimes we may not realize how much we were loved, even if it is just by one person, until we reach our end. Then it will make sense. We may not see the results of our love and support that we gave to someone but the soul of the person will eventually recognize it. Therefore, if that person does not convey her gratitude, it should not prevent you from doing what you were here to do. You must still do the right thing.

There are those who are in a position where they can really help the lives of their brothers and sisters and choose not to. They are the ones who feel no responsibility to their own. It angered me to see such notable figures as Oprah Winfrey, Michael Jordan, Tiger Woods, Colon Powell, and Bill Cosby not taking responsibility. They have the power and the ability to save an entire nation and either don't care or don't realize it. It doesn't matter to them that once they die their monetary gains will be useless. They are blind. All that they see is their own success and ignore the greater possibilities. Their money can employ thousands of minorities while improving communities. Magic Johnson has found the magic touch. It is a win-win situation if your heart is in the right place.

I later concluded that I couldn't judge those individuals whom I think should take on leadership roles and responsibilities. I looked at Oprah and the others successes expecting them to become leaders in the black community. We cannot rely on anyone but us; those people within the community are the ones who should take on responsibility because it is where they live not Oprah, Cosby, or Jordon. If they haven't taken on responsibility we cannot force it on them. Perhaps it is not up to them to make those changes. We cannot judge them based on their success. Money moves people for ominous reasons. Money makes life easier, but it does not guarantee permanent improvement and prosperity. We focus on what other people can do instead of what we can do to better our own situation.

I remember writing Oprah Winfrey once detailing exactly how I felt about individuals who don't tackle the problems facing our community when they have the voice, intellect, and power to make significant changes. I will share the contents of that letter, which I never took time to mail.

Dear Oprah,

I am not sure that this letter will actually receive you but if it does, I hope that it finds you of sound mind, body and soul. Perhaps I should begin by telling you what prompted me to write you. I recently revisited the letter that Martin Luther King wrote while in prison in Birmingham. This inspired me to write a letter of my own to one of the most influential personalities in the past decade, Ms. Oprah Winfrey.

I am sure that many people write you for various reasons, but mostly to do something for them or to thank you. I am no exception. I write today to impose a favor upon you as well as thank you. I have always admired your drive to do better and inspire others to do better as well. You empower others. This is why I must make an attempt to reach out to you and ask you one pertinent question. It is a question that has been troubling me for quite some time. The question is "Why you don't feel the need to reach out to the black community?" I hope I haven't deterred you from reading the rest of this letter with such a seemingly insulting question. Please read on. Let me explain to you what I mean. You may say that I reach out to all people regardless of race. I say, however, all races are not in need of your voice. I have watched your show many times (consider me a fan). I think that it is safe to say that your audience is predominately Caucasian women. I don't know if you intentionally set out for this to happen or if they sought refuge in you.

It can be a multitude of reasons. Maybe as your audience grew, your writers recommended that you do stories that housewives can relate to. Perhaps you realized that in order for your show to remain successful you have to gear it towards the highest population that is able to watch your show. Now that you have them as your fan base perhaps you feel some sort of obligation to them. Perhaps you feel as though you have to please your supporters by discussing issues of interest to them. After all, it is the middle class house- wives who have the time to watch your show. We know that black women can ill afford this luxury because they are the bread- winners of the family; therefore, they are out working while your show is on. The black men, on the other hand, cannot watch your show either because they are in prison or choose to watch ESPN instead.

I do know population of blacks who can watch your show, however, I am afraid that your show won't appeal to the majority. Maybe the children who are at home watching television instead of doing something productive while their parents are working are watching your show. Or perhaps the numerous African Americans that are bedridden due to fatal illnesses such as AIDS and cancer can find some inspiration in your program.

It suddenly occurred to me that if you came on during the evening more black families could then watch your show together instead of spending quality time with one another. It's not as though they take time to talk to one another anyway. I don't know if you realize this but the American family is not what it used to be, especially the black families. When dinner is prepared everyone fix their plate and go their separate ways. The mother may look at t.v. in the living room. The children go into their bedrooms and either look at their own television or eat their starch filled plates while downloading their favorite songs off of the computer. You see these are the issues that I hope you would raise more frequently on your program because these are the problems that are inflicting our community.

Is it that these issues have been overly exposed and you do not want to bring even more attention to it? I know that as an African American woman you want the world, especially whites, to change the way they think about us. So by bringing these problems to the forefront you would be exposing us and showing the world that we still have the same problems that we have always had. I am sure you do not want the world to see us as victims anymore.

I must also keep in mind that you are also human and a victim as well. You are a victim of white society just like the rest of us. Therefore if you raise these issues on a consistent basis your supporters will abandon you, in the same way they abandoned your remarkable movie Beloved. You see that is not what American wants to see anymore. They want to see that we have made great strides. You are an example of that. Now any predicament we as blacks find ourselves in is entirely the fault of the individual. That is what "they" want to believe so that is what you have to conform to.

Or I guess you want your show to be well diverse in subject matter. I know discussing these issues can be a drag. It is permissible to sway from light-hearted issues to those of a more serious matter, but don't choose to totally ignore these topics.

No matter what the topics are "we" can relate so why is it that your guests are predominately white. Do we not write you also? Of course we do. Then I thought perhaps you see it another way. Perhaps you want to purposely take the focus off of us. Maybe by exposing their faults they will see that they are just as "screwed up" as we are but with more money (in most cases), power, and acceptability to function in society. Perhaps by doing this we, all races, will understand that we are all basically the same and we all have the problems. You probably think that if they can see us in the same light as themselves then they will be accepting, tolerable, and respectful to us. Maybe you think that if they see you as a person to be admired this would make them less intimidated by other blacks. If you succeed in this approach then it would make sense. But sometimes your comments defeat the purpose.

How can they respect us if you are poking fun at your own people? I know as an African American woman you continue to struggle with your own identity. I see it in your Freudian slips. When you mention how difficult it is for "us" to manage our hair. Oprah it wouldn't be as problematic if we weren't trying to maintain the European look and call it "beautiful." I see how you adore your Caucasians guests (those that are famous) and I can't help but to think that you are a victim as well. I remember that you made a statement that I will never forget because it revealed and exposed something about you that you may not be aware of, choose to ignore, or continue to struggle with in your black skin. You stated on one of your shows that the melanin in our skin is all that we have going for us. You tried to clear it up but it didn't make sense. You said exactly what you felt.

You must also be aware that when you, as an articulate black woman mimic your own race by speaking "ghetto slang" you are giving your white audience the okay to make fun and laugh along with you. You can't forget that stereotypes still exist and it isn't fair when you as a successful black woman make fun at the expense of the under educated. I know that you are probably saying it is all in good fun and you can't please everyone, but I ask whom are you truly looking to please. I agree that to please everyone is not possible and not logical because you can't please god and the devil at the same time. You will end up pleasing no one and looked upon as a hypocrite. We all should be willing to take a stand for or against something at some point in order for our lives to be meaningful.

I am not discounting all the good that you have done, but I wanted to make you aware of what I observed. I know it could be all a misunderstanding. I know that the way I perceive things to be may not be how they actually are. However, I would be remised if I didn't express myself, and hope that you understand where I am coming from. Just in case I am right and you are guilty of pleasing a group of people you feel obligated to, I wanted to give you a chance to listen and take from it something positive because this is positive criticism that expects a positive response. If I am correct then we still feel obligated to a self-created master and we shouldn't. We owe nothing to anyone other than ourselves.

As you have stated on more than one occasion to much is given much is expected. I expect that you would not ignore the many problems facing our community forever. I know that you are very supportive in the AIDS epidemic overseas. Perhaps this is where your passions lie. Truth be said, I have no idea what you are doing behind the scenes. Perhaps you are reaching out to our domestic communities as well, but then why not be a voice by bringing more attention to it. When you speak people listen. You could raise so much awareness and understanding from not only the black community, but all races. Don't allow your pride and embarrassment stop you from what your soul needs you to do. How do I know what your soul wants from you? Because it wants the same from all of us- do what we can, when we can, and while we can. Don't get caught up in pleasing others who really don't care about the future of our people. Right now their community is not in dire need as ours. Judging from your guests they can afford therapy for their issues, while most of us cannot. I am not going to get into comparing human hurt because hurt is hurt but fact is fact. The fact is that we are broken down. It is easy for a person in your situation to forget. Your problems may be different from the average African American and you may have become detached from our needs. This is why I am voicing them to you.

I am sure that you have heard these things before so maybe now you should think about addressing them. You have the platform for it. I know we shouldn't air out our dirty laundry. But we cannot afford to impress non-blacks. We will get no positive results if these issues are not brought to the forefront. Ignorance only offers temporary bliss.

Please forgive my stream of consciousness. This is not a condemnation but merely an observation as to what we can do to right the wrong. I guess that I had so much expectation for you. I thought that you had the power to unite first blacks and then the world. I know that you can't unite us all but you can help give those with hope direction.

Or maybe unity is not the answer. Perhaps the idea of unity is a diversion from what is really needed. Perhaps it keeps us wanting, fascinating about a useless, intangible, and unrealistic goal instead of focusing on the real problem - the individual. We want unity without understanding self and our individual purpose. Perhaps the answer lies in accepting personal responsibility. If we all took on personal responsibility for ourselves then we won't have any of these problems. With personal responsibility I won't have to look to you or any other famous figure for leadership. Maybe I am giving you and the money that you have too much power.

I remember seeing the show where you gave away cars to your audience member and thought what a waste of money. There is so much more that could have been done with that money. So many lives could have been changed with that money, but who am I to judge. Who am I to compare needs of others? Perhaps money doesn't change things ideas and people do. I think of black figures like Michael Jackson and wondered what went wrong. Was fame, money, or power to blame for his downfall? Should he not have been blessed with the talent that brought him to where he is today? But I knew that Michael Jackson, R. Kelly, and OJ Simpson are who they are with or without money, fame or power. R. Kelly is a child molester who happens to be gifted. Michael Jackson is a child molester who happens to be talented. OJ Simpson is a murderer who happens to be famous. Whitney Houston is a talented addict. Either way they would have acted out their desires if they didn't seek help for them. The fame only allowed them to get away with devious acts longer.

I cannot deny that these acts occurred in our community. All of us are not innocent. By denying these acts simply because the perpetrators are black make us appear a bit dense. We have to be true to ourselves, our feelings and our emotions because it is part of who we are. If we pretend to be happy when we are sad or intelligent when we are ignorant we are only destroying ourselves by not allowing ourselves to grow. Like all of us, you too, are searching for your authentic self because that is the perfect you. We are not all good and we are not all bad. We are human beings capable of being anything. When all is said and done our impression that we make in the world will resonate even after our death if it is powerful enough. So maybe you will do more harm than good if you gave of yourself to the black community. We need self-reliance not another temporary solution or savior.

After going through all these scenarios to discover other people's motives, I finally realized that it didn't matter. The ghetto is a state of mind. Finding your peace lies in discovering your personal truth. Once you discover that, no matter what situation you are in, it will not affect you. You can see pass what surrounds you. It is our mentality that keeps us bound to our circumstances. It is our mentality that has to change. Every ghetto shares the same story of neglect, abuse, and discontent of and for life. But there are stories of hope as well.

The African spirit remains in us. We must reject the social structure and culture that does not coincide with who we are. We are neglecting what brought us here, who we really are and instead we are embracing the ways that goes against our spirit. There will never be any form of progress if we go against who we are. The answer awaits us if we listen.

Unspoken Memories

The spirit of my ancestors haunts my soul as they move upon a violent cloud. They walk across a boundless rainbow while their tears fall down the face of god. Growing ever so restless of this futile ground they possess the breath of life. The world hears these livid voices that cry out beneath a wounded tree. Their bodies reside within the mind with feet stomping at my every heartbeat.

I inhale their floating thoughts that speak to me through silence of moments that were supposed to be. These pounding stories are captured in raging whispers over a calm reflecting thought.

"Envied are those who are loved for they remain forever, the lonely exists only in solitude never to be remembered."

Blinding are their visions at times with ideas of a rebellious nature invading on a once innocent glance. Each blink reveals an unavoidable picture filled with unspoken memories. These untold stories disturb the lonely and shatter all useless dreams. For within their hands hold overflowing knowledge desperately waiting to be absorbed. But their arms grow weary, no longer able to endure the weight of wisdom ignored. A burden released only by a captured reflection that mirrors images of their own. As I walk in the spirit of my forgotten ancestors I search for their unfinished dreams and am in constant reminder that I too am an expression of a moment loss in time. Shall they parish here in this meaningless state without a thought to support the journey? Their thoughts are all that I am, all that I have, and therefore, all that matters.

Chapter Four

Athena' s Story

I am beautiful. That's what he told me right before he left. He said that he was no good for me so he had to leave. He said that he wanted me to find myself a good man who would treat me right. Then he said that he didn't want to waste no more of my time. He didn't even ask me if I mind at all. I would have told him that I did. I would have told him not to leave because I love him and he is all I need. I would have said that he was all I ever knew and all that I wanted to know. I would have told him that if he left I would never find another cause no one would want me around for too long. I would have said he was all I had and that he really was good enough for me. I would have let him know that maybe I wasn't good enough for him. I would have told him that no one would ever again tell me that I was beautiful. I would have told him that he didn't have to lie about loving me; it wouldn't have stopped me from loving him. I would have told him that I wouldn't survive too much longer without him. I would have told him the truth but he didn't give me a chance. Perhaps he knew that he could do better. Perhaps he was waiting for the right moment to leave. Maybe I was just part of a cruel joke that lasted for eleven years.

I wonder if he knew how lonely this place would be without him. Even though we didn't speak much to each other, our company, his presence, was all that I needed. He didn't like talking to me because he said I make him feel dumb, so I got dumb for him. I didn't want him feeling dumb. Since he wasn't a good reader, he said that people always thought he was stupid but he's not stupid. I told him that once. He said I shouldn't lie. He said one day he was going to shock everybody and learn how to read on his own, but he just worked too much. I told him that too. I said you're too tired to be trying to read by yourself. Let me help you some. He said no, that I can't teach him nothing, but then he said that I was smart. He tells me that he is glad that he don't have no dumb women like his friend Ray. He said Ray woman is the dumbest woman to walk the earth. He said that you could tell that woman anything and she would believe it. Like the time he said that he was joking around with her one night at the bar. He told her that she needed to leave that man of hers. He told her that her man was cheatin' on her with some white woman at work. Don't you know she really left him. 'Til this day Ray didn't understand why she left him and my man never even told him what he said to her. I told my old man that it wasn't right to do that. I told him that he should tell her the truth so she could be back with her man. But he said if she dumb enough to believe that then she shouldn't be with him anyway.

He's always teasing that woman at the bar. I don't go to them bars cause he don't like me in there. He said that I was a decent woman and decent women don't belong in bars. He right too. That's why I didn't understand why Ray let his woman go to bars. Even if he ain't there she be in there. I wondered what she do in that bar with all those men folk. I went to see her too when my man left me. I just needed somebody to talk to and she the only woman that I talk to around here but she was gone. She was staying with her momma after she left Ray. So I went around the corner. Her momma told me that she was gone and didn't know where she went. She said some man in a gold wagon came to pick her up. That didn't make any sense to me. None at all. My man is the only one with a golden station wagon around here. Why would he go and pick her up. He hated that dumb woman. Maybe he felt bad for telling her that story. He probably took her back down the hill to Ray. That's probably what he done. He might be staying with them for a while and feeling bad for leaving me. So I decided to go and see. I was hoping to really see my man again. It's just so many things I wanted to tell him but he left too soon.

I didn't see his car out front but I rang the bell anyway. Ray Jr. opened up the door. He must have been playing in the dirt all day cause he sure was a pitiful sight. He usually looks real clean and handsome. He sure is getting big though. I told him to go get his daddy or mommy. He's a smart kid cause he didn't let me in the house. I waited outside until Ray came out. He was looking just as dirty as his son and he smelled bad too, like he'd been drinking for breakfast and lunch and dinner. I asked him if he seen my man around and he got a funny look in his eyes. It looked like his eyes were on fire or something. He mumbled something before he spoke. When he finally answered me it sounded like he wanted to cry. He told me that my man took his wife and ran off. I didn't believe him though. I thought he was just mad and wanted me to be mad too. I told him that maybe he was just taking her somewhere as a favor. But then he told me, and it broke my heart in little tiny pieces. My man waited outside while she dropped Ray Jr. off and picked up the rest of her things. She told Ray that my man knows how to treat a woman right. She was right too. That's why I couldn't let her keep my man cause she ain't good for him. Once he sees me again and remember how beautiful I am then he will know he made a mistake. He knows she ain't a decent woman but she must've got her claws wrapped around his neck. I knew I had to find him before she made him do something crazy. Then Ray told me that my man told everybody at the job he was going to Pittsburgh. That's when I knew he was at his momma house. His momma the only one he know in Pittsburgh. So I went. I got right on the bus the next day. I brought along the gun my man brought me just in case things got out of hand.

All during the ride I was thinking about what I was gonna say. I didn't even know how to approach them. The two-hour ride was shorter than I thought. Probably cause I spent so much time thinking instead of resting.

I was surprised that I remembered exactly where she lived and I saw my man car right in the driveway. He still had my rabbit's tail that I gave him for good luck hanging from the mirror. I started walking towards the house and here come my man and Ray's woman coming out the door. I must've surprise them too cause they was trying to run back inside. I caught up with them though cause I'm a little woman and I could move fast. I don't know why they tried to take off like that. I just wanted to talk to them at first but they ran from me like I was a monster or something. I wasn't going to do anything to them. Maybe I did want to scare them a little. Only because it hurt bad seeing them together like that. So I just pulled out the gun and chased after them. He shouldn't have tried to take it from me though cause I had a tight grip around it and nobody could get it from me, not even my strong man.

I'm glad that I found him before he married that dumb old woman. But he made me do something awful. Blood was all over me and I didn't know where it was coming from. I couldn't bear to look anymore so I just closed my eyes and lied down on the lawn. I felt my man's arm come across my chest. He whispered, "I love you" in my ear as he lied beside me. Then I knew that nothing mattered anymore, cause now we were together again. It was my man and me, lying down peacefully on the grass, the way we used to do in bed. I saw all images in the sky gravitating towards me. I didn't realize the beauty that always surrounded me until then.

With simplicity comes clarity. There lies the true treasure because it shows you how to appreciate the simple things that makes life beautiful. You gain a better understanding of the universe by seeing it in its smaller scope. Simplicity is the big picture. Water is water no matter if it is in a cup or an ocean its attributes are the same. Witnessing it in its vastness is what captivates us because we see the power of nature in its full capacity. Now I saw everything the way it was supposed to be. The ugliness that too exists loses its power once I stopped giving it attention. Within the nucleus of pain I gained a second of understanding.

The days following his departure, time disappeared with him. Life was just one long day after that. He left me in a hurtful world that I spent my life avoiding. Others tried preparing me for the moment of truth but I set out to prove them wrong. Pain and hurt was their reality not mine. Although I knew that I could not function in truth, I never expected to die. I was too afraid. I wanted that woman dead. She ended my happiness and I wanted her to suffer. I aimed it right at her but he grabbed it. Instead, I accidentally shot my lover. This is where my memory gets fuzzy. I must have dropped the gun at some point because she was standing above me with it in her hand. A bullet ended my life but I died long before then, of a broken heart. She deserved to die that day and it angered me to see that she would survive. I was comforted only in knowing that we both were going to die together (my lover and me). She could not take that moment away from me.

That comfort was short lived as the pain became unbearable. I can tell you that death does not guarantee peace. In fact, it is rarely peaceful because it takes concentration to find your serene state of mine. Many are unable to find that place in time because fear overwhelms and consumes the moment. The mind and body is used to living, so when you quickly strip yourself from the breath of life, it is agonizing physically and mentally. As peaceful as dying in your sleep sounds, even those fortunate individuals suffer from some form of anxiety before leaving this planet. No matter how ready you are spiritually or mentally the body will always show resistance to death. It is built to live. Although it may not seem apparent to the watchful eye, we have no idea of the inner battle taking place.

Spiritually, I've always been ready to go to a better place where love is evident and given to all unconditionally. What I didn't know was that the physical world is a reflection of the spiritual world. Beauty and ugliness is prevalent in both. My spirit is struggling here just as I did while alive. It doesn't matter where you are; peace comes from within.

When you die you do not go to a better place. That better place has always existed. It is up to the individual to find it so that she can enjoy this life and not wait for the afterlife. Your soul does not change just because the surroundings have. The same unresolved issues that you had in this world will follow you. That is why it is important to establish some type of consistency within you so that you are okay in any given situation. Part of mastering oneself is having the ability to function (overcoming conditions) in a place where you don't want to be. It means accepting the world just the way it is presented, but not becoming complacent with it. You must decide how you can make your situation better and do it.

There is so much in this world to love and worthy of receiving it and I missed out on that. Other people told me that they cared about me, but it didn't matter because I didn't feel it from the person that meant most to me. I know that I should have been loved better. Although others loved me, it just wasn't enough. I had to know that this person loved me. The love from others meant nothing. So I am guilty of wanting more than I needed. I wanted something detrimental to me.

Have a reason to want everything that you desire; let that reason be motivated by love. I was more in love with the idea of love than anything else, including him. That idea brought me happiness. I must not have loved him or I would have let him go. Obviously, he didn't love me or he wouldn't have left me. I guess I always knew that he didn't really love me and that was my motivation for proving him wrong. I wanted him to see I was worthy of his love. However, you always want what you can't have. I refused to let him go, and therefore, lived in a world that didn't exist. Anything is not better than nothing at all. At least with nothing you have truth. I needed him to think that I was special. If he accepted me then nothing else mattered. I became infatuated by his rejection all because I didn't understand myself.

There is something quite chilling about someone that is always poised. I was never one to act irrationally because I was never tested. Once I was put in a situation that tested my character, I failed. As a woman I allowed my insecurities to swallow the best of me. Because of our insecurities we, women, are at a spiritual, mental and physical disadvantage. We let our insecurities dictate our actions. We are insecure about our looks, our intellect, and our character. So when we are not getting the attention we want or if we see others getting more, it falsely confirms our insecurities. It makes them real. As in any other minority group we also feel the need to prove ourselves worthy. Attention gives us confidence. When we get the attention that we desire, it momentarily takes us away from our insecurities. This is why we have an unyielding need for attention. It makes us feel that we are special in some way. It tells us that we are pretty enough, smart enough, and interesting enough to someone else.

Don't allow others to define your worth because eventually the truth will all be revealed. Don't allow time to reveal who you are either. Actively discover you for yourself. You cannot run away from yourself forever by surrounding yourself with others, talking on the phone, or preoccupying your time by watching television, listening to music or even reading a book; anything to take us away from ourselves. All of these distractions are done deliberately by our subconscious so that we won't feel alone. We don't want to be alone because we don't want to face what we are. "An unexamined life is a life not worth living"-Socrates.

Many seemingly nice people act irrationally when confronted with their darkness (the part of you that you don't like and don't want to face, which therefore haunts you) by someone other than themselves. They may react violently or "out of character." The truth is that they have been exposed. Therefore, when they see who they really are they don't like it. They do whatever they have to do to erase it, even kill to rid themselves of truth and the person that brought truth to them (It's usually their spouse because their mate is usually the person who knows them most, sometimes better than they know themselves). Eventually, you will find yourself in a situation where your identity is meaningless. The character you created no longer serves a purpose. This is when you can begin searching for who you truly are.

If you realize that you do not like who you are, change those things that you deem unacceptable. Only you know what your demons are and only you can prevent them from taking control of your life. If you are able to conquer or control your demons, you are closer to knowing your true self and the power that you possess.

People who are dedicated to changing their lives, inadvertently change the lives of others. They become so committed to becoming a better person that it leads them to helping others. This is done inadvertently because their initial motives are selfish. It is so that they can be pleased with themselves. Usually these people are struggling with their demons but refuse to give in to them. In time, it is not about them anymore but about the people that they are inspiring. If they focus entirely on helping others they don't allow ominous thoughts to enter into their minds. Your mission becomes clear and nothing is impossible. I never reached that point. I based my total existence on another because I lacked self- love.

When you have self-love you have the love of the universe behind you, but you have to want to love yourself. Once you have self-love, you would be less dependent on others to fill that void. This is something often said but rarely practiced because it takes too much effort to love thyself. You have to accept the things you cannot change about who you are (usually these things are physical in nature and should not matter anyway). We need people to love us because we are born dependent on others. All that matters to us initially is self- gratification. We get that first from our parents who give us everything that we need food, shelter, and love. As we get older we continue to rely on others for love.

We may grow more independent in other areas of our life but not when it comes to love. Everyone wants to be loved by another human being. We focus more on others loving us than we do loving ourselves because we are codependent beings who have always been a part of something other than ourselves.

We were all pieces of floating matter that was once ethereally connected. So being surrounded by others gives us a sense of unity, which we all desire. The truth is we don't realize that we are and always will be connected to one another. Unfortunately, we don't see it so we don't feel the connection anymore. One way to get reconnected is to understand the role you play in the universe. (Reminder: Our spiritual body form cells that we call souls. All cells have a role to play within the body of the universe to keep it functioning. Once manifested into physical cells, we have a role to play to keep this world (our bigger body) functioning. Reconnect with yourself first by spending time alone.) This means being alone with your thoughts and embracing every part of you. Accept every aspect of who you are, the good and the bad, so that you can grow into the person you want to be. Converse with yourself often; asking yourself questions is a good way to get to know yourself and what you believe in. The more time that you spend alone the more time that you have to face your demons. Deal with them so that you can conquer them. When you are able to understand those issues that afflict you, the more you will understand yourself. The more that you understand yourself the more you can understand others because people are mostly the same. There is not much contrast in the way the average person thinks and feels. They just express themselves differently. It is only the extreme person that has a hard time understanding himself and others. Therefore, their reactions may be extreme. I'm not saying avoid people because that is also extreme, besides you learn a lot about yourself by observing how you are around others.

After establishing self- love, you can love others. When you sincerely love others they feel that love and will naturally love you in return if they, too, have established self-love. This is when you have found the connection and can engage in the outpouring of everlasting love. The miracle is that once you have self-love it doesn't matter if someone loves you back. You are not expecting anything from anyone, but it comes naturally anyway. You will have a deep love for life that goes beyond the physical form of a thing.

Embrace life, embrace love, and embrace death with understanding. You cannot substitute anything for true self-love. Sometimes I think I see sparks of beauty but it is just tainted love. You may spend your entire life surrounding yourself with people who you know love you, which may be gratifying at the time. However, there will be a moment even if it is your last, where nothing else matters except the love that you have for yourself.

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# Athena's Song:

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Souls rejoice in the memory of life and laugh at the hopeless moments of despair that created the mask of a doomed reality. Now knowing that even the most unkind experiences were an astonishing mark of beauty designed by a tragically humorous mind for a seemingly meaningless purpose. But in the end we understand that most of our life is null and void. In death we revert back to the innocence of a child and remember what was truly important.

Chapter Five

Silky's End

My anticipation would not allow me to sleep the night before. I got up to finish packing and quietly left the apartment. I had already calculated every move so there was no need to panic. My life for the past seven years was over.

I drove unconsciously down the naked streets concerned only with Nora's safety. As I approached the highway I thought how awkward this might be for my mom. Several years had passed since I had seen or even spoken to her. I knew she did not want to see me until I was settled down with a family or at least a decent job, but this visit would be different. Life's disappointments had matured me and I finally had something special to share. My sister talked frequently on the phone with her and told me that she still asks about me. I did not waste time by calling her. I thought a surprise would be best.

I returned to my childhood state of South Carolina in less than five hours. The town responsible for the memories that molded me greeted me with tranquility. The unsettling memories that I thought would surface hadn't. I innately remembered those loving moments my mom and I once shared. She would walk down the street holding my hand, smiling at others as they smiled at me. She was so proud of me then. I knew that she would do anything to protect my innocence. Now that the dynamics of our relationship has changed I no longer enjoyed the privileges of a protected child.

I drove pass my former grammar school. It was barely recognizable. I quickly noticed that it had been remodeled and now appeared colder and more isolated than ever before, likely influencing the students to be the same way.

I thought of how I used to imagine the school as my castle and we were all one big family. It was my sanctuary. I was probably the only child who enjoyed coming to school and being around so many adults constantly telling me what to do.

While I had plenty of playmates my only true friend was Marcel, a very dark child with an extremely bony frame. She was a shy girl with hidden intellect that was never exposed. We chose rather to focus on her tattered clothing and Haitian accent. It was challenging not to tease her especially when the teachers condoned such behavior.

I snickered along with them at times and then apologized when we were alone. She remained my friend through grammar school until the day she was reported missing. She was last seen being picked up by an older well-dressed gentleman in front of the school never to be seen again. I wondered what ever happened to her.

I turned the corner onto the block I once lived. I had hoped to see children outside playing the familiar games I enjoyed as a child, but it must have been too early. Chirping birds, a loose dog, and a sleeping Nora were my only company. I forgot how delicately soothing the country could be. Not even the main road had yet awakened.

I parked a couple of houses down from my mother's house to expand time. Anxiety approached me as I walked towards it. I approached it slowly, noticing everything around me. All that I had forgotten or ignored about my surroundings as a child stood undeniably. The clear connection of it all had been so trivial then.

The house looked exactly how I remembered, except even more mysterious. It remained held together by the powers that continued to own and control it. Obviously it had not been painted in years, yet it was still enchanting, surrounded by the accessories of life. Even the unkempt grass served its purpose. The other houses always seemed to be far less intriguing. The neighborhood kids used to express the same sentiments, describing the house as weird. Perhaps it was that no other house had such a large overbearing tree in front of it. It was sort of strange the way it stood so dominant as though the house itself was built deliberately around it. You could see the green leaves clinging onto the extended branches halfway blocking the front view of the house. Everything else was committed to it as well. As much as I watched that tree and admired its beauty, I never thought of it as an ordinary oak tree.

As I drew closer to the entrance I noticed the top two windows of the house peering at me like an abandoned child, filled with a balance of resentment and despair.

My apprehension was overwhelming but I was determined to keep everything in perspective. I convinced myself that this feeling was only momentary. Once she opens the door, she could not help but to greet me with a smile on her face and pride in her eyes.

I rang the doorbell with enthusiasm hoping that the feeling would be contagious. She must not have been far from the door because the interior door was propped open, enabling me to see through the house. I checked to see if the screen door was unlocked, but it wasn't. After the third ring, I decided to call for her. She gracefully floated to the doorway. Something had denied her of the aging process. With the addition of a few gray strands, she looked basically the same. As she came closer to the door, I began smiling and giggling as if I were a child.

"It's me ma...Silky."

She clearly was surprised to see me standing in front of her door, but she quickly regained her composure and found her old face again.

"What's the matter," she said with the suspicion of a detective and without the appropriate warmth that I sought.

"Nothing ma, I wanted to introduce you to-oh, wait a minute!"

I couldn't believe that I left her behind. Preoccupied with the inevitable caused me to quickly forget my purpose. I ran frantically back to the car and saw her still asleep. I didn't bother waking her. I simply struggled with her in my arms back to the house. When I came to the walkway of the house I noticed my mother standing imperviously in the doorway.

"I wasn't sure if you would be home so I left her in the car while I checked."

She said nothing. She simply stepped aside and motioned me into the house as she took a peculiar look at my child.

As I entered the house I immediately noticed that everything was new: the furniture, the ceiling fan, and a fresh coat of paint on the walls made the house appear more spacious. All of the unnecessary was gone. The carpet had been taken up and the wooden floor had been nicely buffered, giving the old house a more modern look. It was difficult for me to adjust to this new environment. Despite my discomfort, I sat down on the couch and laid Nora across my lap. My mom followed and sat on the love seat parallel to me.

"This is my baby Nora, momma"

"Oh yeah... how old is she," she replied without an attempt at sincerity.

"Thirteen months" I replied with enough enthusiasm for the both of us.

"So where's the father"

"Well...he's back home"

"You still with him"

"yeah, sort of"

"Sort of? I told you before you left outta here that your pretty looks ain't gone get you but so far in this white man's world. You make bad decisions...you always did...how come he ain't marry you?"

"I don't know ma," I said with disappointment. She shook her head and made her way into the kitchen. I watched her as she passed by. I still couldn't stand to look her directly in the eyes. They were not as intimidating as they once were but she still bestowed a wicked gaze.

"You eat yet," she said yelling from the kitchen

"No momma"

"I cooked some stewed chicken last night, you think you might want-oh never mind, last time I heard you didn't eat meat. You still a vegetable."

"Its vegetarian and no, I'm not a vegetarian anymore but it's too early for me to eat that"

"What your baby gone eat"

"I have something for her when she wakes up"

"You want some coffee"

"That's okay, I'm fine," I politely replied

I knew even this sort of hospitality was strenuous on my mom, but it didn't prevent me from already losing some of my enthusiasm in this visit. My hopes for a pleasant reunion were diminishing but I needed to make this trip justifiable somehow, even if it were for retribution.

"Did you here anything from Jasmine lately?"

"Yeah, we spoke last night...she ain't tell me nothing about you coming to see me...you didn't tell her your plans"

"No, I kinda wanted to surprise you"

"What for, I'm too ole for this surprising business. If you would've let me know I could have made some sleeping arrangements for yall-how long you gone let her sleep"

"Ma don't you wanna sit down for a while...I know you tired of yelling through the house...Remember how you used to get on us about that."

"I remember getting on you about it cause you never liked to listen," she replied as she made her way back into the living room.

"Yeah, that's what you say, I replied somewhat mockingly knowing she would notice my tone.

"That's what I know, if you took time to even listen to yourself you would know it too."

I laughed to myself at her remark that warranted no reply.

"Ma I didn't come here to argue, I just wanted you to see your granddaughter."

"Yeah...well I see her, she must look like the father cause she look nothing like you."

"Well I guess she does look more like him."

"What's his name anyway"

"Chris"

"That ain't the one you ran away with from high school is it"

"No ma, you know his name wasn't Chris"

"I don't know nothing! What you think I got time to remember everything about your ex men."

"I know that Jasmine told you and you don't forget nothing, especially when it comes to something about me."

"Well I forgot this cause it ain't important enough for me to remember"

"Why you even asking then"

"Look I'm trying to be polite to you but if you wanna get that attitude again I mind as well not waste my energy."

"Politeness should come naturally ma, I'm your daughter!"

"Yeah, well I wanna see how polite you gonna be when that daughter of yours stop respecting you and doing whatever she wants without listening to a word you tell her...That's probably why that boy left you and went to California when he did. You probably ain't wanna listen to him either. "

"That ain't have nothing to do with it ma and you know it...don't you ever change?"

"Change for what...for who?"

"For yourself ma... to be happy"

"What make you think I'm not already happy...what, cause I'm not smiling in every man face to get attention. No that's you, I don't need to be like that and that's what I been trying to tell you all those years. You depend on everybody else to make you happy, when all you got is you. You can't expect me or nobody else to make you happy."

"I expected you to love me, why was that so hard for you to do." I felt the tears all gathered up just waiting for the go, which I refused to give.

"Maybe you were too young to realize it but you were getting spoiled, if not by me then your father. We had another child that needed our attention as well in case you forgot."

She was not making sense to me but I continued the conversation hoping to get a clear explanation for the sudden dislike she showed for me during my adolescent years.

"I was still a child ma, and you just stopped everything, just like that...you start giving Jasmine all the attention!"

"You were becoming too needy Silky, that wasn't gonna do you no good...your sister wasn't. She could handle love without getting attached. What would you have done if something happened to us? All you got is you. You should understand that by now. "

"But you stopped loving me altogether. You didn't have to cut me off like that! The only way I got the least bit of attention from you is when I made a mistake." My throat was now filled with tears but I did not allow them to surface. My pride protected my heart from spilling over. I listened intently to my mom's rationalizations.

"I did not stop loving you. I just didn't love you the way you wanted me to but I did the best thing for you at the time."

"How-How is that, you just don't do that to a child."

"Look, look at your sister. She turned out okay. She knows I did the right thing even if you don't."

"Right thing for who...look at you-you don't even have anybody here with you anymore. Even daddy eventually disappeared on you."

I saw her face finally show signs of defense. She was now exposed. She leaned over her seat and began pointing her finger; something that she always does when she gets angry. It is her way of regaining control. This time it revealed her. Her finger appeared limp and fragile but she spoke in her usual tone as if she didn't notice the change.

"I never needed your father and truth be told I been doing fine without you all these years. Unlike you Ms. Silky, I'm okay by myself."

Just then the phone rang. Although there was a phone on the table beside her, she got up and walked into the kitchen to answer it. As she passed by I saw her take another look at my child. "I hope you didn't bring that baby here to impress me." That would be her final word to me. I now had the proof I needed and this was the harsh reality of it all. She detested everything about me and there was nothing that could be done about it. An interesting thing happened when I realized after years of confusion that my mother was wrong. Freedom magically appeared. I was finally liberated from all the ideas I believed to be true. Then the question came to mind, why would my destruction be so important to my mom. Why was she dead set on destroying me?

Evidently whoever was on the other end knew how to win her over. The smile and enthusiasm that should have been mine, was saved for that person. It must have been convenient timing too since it took her away from having to deal with me. It also gave me time to regroup. I thought of how disgusting she was. Nothing affected her. Even if I confided in her, she wouldn't have cared one way or the other about what might happen to me.

I looked at Nora still engaging in innocence and suddenly I knew that I had done the right thing. She was mine now and would never be returned. I no longer felt guilty about it. I watched how her mother treated her since her birth. She gave love loosely to her daughter and I knew the novelty of having such a beautiful child would eventually fade as my mother's did for me. Those deep dimples flooded by her flawless brown skin and tempting brown eyes would have never been enough to keep her mother interested. The love she once had for her child would one day be replaced with contempt. Nora's total existence would have then been spent waiting for that love to resurface and make her whole again. Even as an adult she would have been stuck in that childlike state. I couldn't knowingly stand by and allow that to happen. I would not deny Nora of her own reality by beginning a false one.

Her mom observed me closely, waiting and secretly hoping that this would occur. She even left her car keys out the night before to secure fate. Goodbye and thanks for sitting for me was all she said. She didn't even give Nora a kiss goodnight. She, too, knew that she couldn't continue the obligations of love forever. So I relieved her of that pressure. It was natural for me to give this child something my mom deliberately stripped from me. God's reason for my existence became clear.

"Yeah she's still here," I heard my mom say and I knew it was time for me to go. I wasn't sure to whom she was talking, but I couldn't risk Nora's happiness. I left without saying goodbye and had no desire to see her again. Before I drove off I took one final look at the house. From this view the tree that stood in front of it for so long didn't look as strong as it once did. It was the house. It had always been the house. It continued to be alluring as the rays from the sun reflected light upon it.

I knew that my end was near but I was not ready to lose. I went to visit my sister shortly after seeing my mom. I left the child with her. With my future unclear I wandered aimlessly for days. Days turned into months. I managed to survive on the streets for several years before the inevitable accident that brought me here. While picking up a quarter in the middle of a busy street I was hit by a car and died instantly. It happened so fast that I didn't feel anything. Everything ended as if nothing ever existed in the first place.

What bothers me most is that I didn't have time to make amends with the people I hurt. I went through life believing that life was pointless for someone like me. So, I created my own purpose. But living this way was just wretched. I often questioned why I had to go through life in so much misery. I discovered that the world is just a miserable place. It consumes joy. Pleasure is rare and is typically attained through ignorance. Anyone who has experienced more joy than pain in his life overlooked reality on some level. This is understandable. No one wants to go through life in so much misery that it destroys her. Misery is a powerful machine and the only way to thwart it is to numb it. I did not numb myself. I felt all of it and it drove me insane.

I didn't have a voice of reason. I should not have listened to my disturbing inner voice that told me I was doing the right thing. I should have allowed an outer source to guide me. Everyone have thoughts that they deem bizarre. They choose not to share these thoughts because they believe it to be abnormal thinking. If I had an outlet to express these feeling perhaps I would not have fell so deep into my own thoughts. Unfortunately, I feared being labeled insane. Now I know there are others with identical thoughts, but they somehow learned to cope in this world.

Our society tells us how we are suppose to act and think. When we step outside of the program we are looked upon as insane and began to feel odd when we share our unique thoughts. If we all stopped pretending to be normal and shared our real thoughts we will see that there is no normal. Everyone has less than innocent thoughts from time to time. Most have the ability to not act on them.

Even I could have been a far worse person. I have had many evil manipulative thoughts that I could have acted upon, but I chose not to be all my thoughts. It takes obedience to your higher self to implement the act of becoming a better person. We all have thoughts that do not coincide with society's rules. So we must create an alternate reality as an outlet; much in the same manner as artists. They allow their thoughts to be expelled in fantasy through mystery novels, poems, paintings, and movies. We take part of their delusional world by choice. We choose it because there is something in it that attracts us. We are attracted to stories of horror, infidelity, fantasy, sci-fi movies because they intrigue the mind. They desensitize us from everything-it numbs us.

Many people turn into their thoughts. They allow their skewed thoughts to compromise their morals. It becomes part of their character. They may never become a murderer but they are fascinated by the idea and live through the eyes of a criminal when they watch violent movies. What we see in the fantasy world of entertainment are the thoughts of the dark side of man. We are constantly flirting with insanity by listening to the seductive tone of society. However, knowing is power and I believe the voices I chose not to listen to would have been my saving grace in a world that was becoming less enchanting as I lived.

Remember that there are spirits here to protect your soul from danger. It has been protecting you from perilous spirits since infancy. When we lose our childhood "our purity" the spirit begins to suffer.

"What do you think causes suffering?"

Separation- subtle or obvert distinctions between the rich and poor, the sane and insane, male and female, blacks and whites, Christian and Jew, pretty and ugly, God and man (God is with man at all times)- all of them cause one group to feel inferior and fear the other. The sad thing about it is that none of it matters.

We allow these differences to affect us to the point that we cannot achieve anything unless we have the approval of others. Our job is to transcend and evolve as a unit. The way we choose to do this is our individual purpose. Our individual purpose depends on what our soul finds more appealing. The spirit knows exactly what the soul needs in order to move forward but sometimes the heart, filled with emotions, and the mind, filled with thoughts, distracts it. When the soul does not allow the heart or the mind to disrupt its purpose it uses them to bring forth the ultimate goal. A broken heart contaminated my thoughts. I could not abide by the covenant that I agreed to. My acts of regression caused me to lose my soul and I did not live out my obligation that I had to the universe. I was so lost that I never even discovered my purpose.

This is what I can say without a doubt. Believe in guardian angels, they will protect you from harm, including harm you may inflict on yourself, if you are receptive to them. If you can grasp the concept that guardian angels are your objective voice (a voice of reason that see clearly the road ahead) then perhaps guardian angels will not sound so implausible. YOUR GUARDIAN ANGEL IS YOUR SOUL SPEAKING TO YOU. The function of the soul is to act as your guardian angel to your mind and body. Each of us has our own individual spirit to guide and direct us properly through life, but we must see the signs with our "third eye," because these signs are not always physical. For the soul lives in both worlds, although it in itself is not physical it will communicate with us through various methods. If we constantly ignore the signs the soul becomes useless and dormant (not to mention subject to abandon the physical). The mind then begins to react out of confusion and fear. For the soul feeds the mind, but the mind must be willing to open up and accept what the soul offers. In order to find your guardian angel again, you must remember that it exists. Your soul is your guardian angel.

Thee Travel through worlds of illusion that occasionally collides and entangles with reality. Unwelcomed is this timeless Energy, which speaks of inspiration, and will. Its intensity unwillingly succumbs once it recognizes the power of a persistent fate, where love loses the battle and finally sees the true desire of an unwanted existence. For it is here I rest in disturbed thoughts that becomes my invited destiny. Even evil is tormented by hopelessness.

My soul spoke the gospels of unspoken truths; secrets unknown to man became abundantly clear and familiar. Surrendered thoughts of impurity are embraced within the center of darkness. The Contrasting shades of energy knows the dominance of the others existence. Both equal in their supremacy, for light can blind and blackness soothes.

MY soul has been damaged by the ignorance of love

and enlightened by the dark side of man

It has conformed to the echoes of evil

and triumphs over all glimmer of hope

My soul is embellished in meaningless journeys

and abandoned by dreams of discovery

It is tormented by insightful thoughts

And rejects clear symbols of joy

My soul is consumed by oceans of despair

and covered by rivers of indifference

It is absorbed in seas of Confusion

And lakes that encourage delusion

My soul dwell in mountains of deception

And caves that Represent regression

It seek refuge in valleys of aberration

And forests that hides elevation

My soul is motivated by selfish intent

And it speaks the gospel of lies

It is content with the seen reality

And is captivated only by the evident

Chapter Six

Meheret-The Key

Amelia stood carefully alongside the beautifully carved gravestone. She placed the flowers gently in front of it. Three years had passed since the accident. This was the first time she had enough strength to see the truth for herself. During the time of the funeral she refused to say goodbye. Just before her best friend's death they were discussing plans for the summer. Amelia insisted that Meheret spend part of the summer in the Hamptons with her family. They then decided that they would spend the rest of the summer with Meheret's family in Malaysia. Their ideal summer never happened. Amelia was left behind. In the middle of their talks about summer, boys, and the future their conversation led to life, death and suicide. Since both believed in reincarnation they thought that they should prove it to themselves. They decided on a spontaneous suicide pact. Daring each other, Amelia put Meheret to the test. She would steal her mother's sleeping pills.

With nervous laughs they humored each other for a while. They sat in the car at a nearby graveyard waiting for the pills to take effect. They sat and watched as the stars got closer and even closer for Meheret. She died that night. Amelia swallowed too many and vomited the poison out of her system. She looked over at Meheret and cried out for help. She staggered down the sidewalk until someone stopped and called the ambulance. When they arrived there the attempt to resuscitate Meheret failed. .

Amelia suffered tremendously. Her mom begged her to visit a therapist but she refused. Although she attempted several times it was a dream that caused Amelia to finally visit the grave. Before she entered the graveyard she sat still in her car nearly falling asleep. A few minutes passed before she could move. She glided through the graveyard until she finally located a pink stone.

As she stooped in front of the stone a surge of energy filled her entire body. She sat closer no longer afraid. Time could not hold back the tears. She burst out in a plea for her friend's return, "Meheret! Meheret!" She began screaming as if expecting a response. "Please! I want you to come back!" she cried continuously. As she began to calm down she whispered, "I'm sorry," while caressing the stone.

She spent most of her waking hours daydreaming. She had not been part of this world ever since the accident. Her mind drifted to that place that wonders what could have been.

She fell asleep on top of her best friend. When she awakened the sun's job was over for the day. She forgot where she was and how long she had been there. Panic attacked her as she began to look around aimlessly at her surroundings. She noticed her car parked down the road and walked swiftly towards it, but stopped suddenly before reaching it. She noticed a movement in the car. Someone was sitting in the passenger's seat rocking rhythmically side to side as if listening to music. Familiarity caused her to proceed slowly. The image looked translucent. It drew her closer. Before opening the door Amelia looked through the window to try and make out the face, but it was hidden behind the long black curly hair. She thought that either she was still delusional from her sleep or an approachable apparition awaited her. Either way curiosity caused her to enter the car. She left the door halfway open with her left foot dangling outside.

"Who are you?" Amelia said as she went to touch her. She quickly pulled her hands back. There was nothing to touch. Her hand could go right through.

"This can't be real," she whispered to herself.

Amelia noticed an uncanny resemblance in the figure. The clothes, the hair, and the body structure were all too familiar. Amelia tried not to panic but she began shaking uncontrollably.

The figure finally lifted up her head and beamed her dark eyes at Amelia. Amelia could no longer hide her obvious fright. Not only was she still shaking but she also loss control of her breathing. She attempted to leave the car but a gentle force pulled her back in. They both sat there in silence. Amelia was comforted by the heavy breathing that told her she was still alive. A few seconds passed before she finally calmed down.

"It's okay Amelia... I waited so long for this. Don't be afraid," the voice said tenderly.

Amelia began crying without tears. She used them all at the grave.

"Is it really you... Am I dreaming this?" she sang.

"It's me, can't you tell" the voice responded convincingly

"But you look-you don't look real"

Meheret responded with a giggle, "I will, I will, you're just not fully awake yet"

"But you don't feel real either"

"You have to get use to me again, that's all... I'm still the same," she continued with the same consoling voice. Amelia could not deny the calming effects of Meheret's voice. It relaxed her for a while, but in time she regained her senses.

"This can't be possible- I killed you Meheret. I know I did!"

"You didn't kill me. Don't say that...it was a stupid mistake. No one is to blame."

"It was my fault, all my fault, you should not have died"

"But I can't die.. you see...I'm still here with you. I was just waiting for you to notice me."

Meheret began thinking of ways to get Amelia to relax. "Let's get out of here, the graveyard must be freaking you out."

"I don't feel comfortable driving with you in this car again."

"Don't worry, everything is gonna be fine...you'll see." Meheret spoke so convincingly that Amelia had to act accordingly.

"You must've known how much I both love and despised you. I mean everybody adored you, even me. Sometimes I felt ignored in your company...I was your best friend and it just seemed like- I don't know...just crazy I guess."

"It's okay, you're only human," Meheret responded hardly above a whisper.

"Oh, so you did know...was I that obvious?"

Meheret gave her a humble grin as they continued their drive down the dark road towards home. Amelia began showing signs of weariness. Meheret looked at her intently.

"I must confess something to you dear friend"

"What is it" Amelia responded curiously

"Well you know my initial intent was far from innocent...in fact, it was down right malevolent."

"What are you talking about?"

"Well you see, all that time I spent alone made me quite angry. All that I could think about was somehow making you pay for this...but once I saw you, it didn't take long for me to realize that you also have been suffering. It was unfeasible for me to seek any type of revenge."

"Revenge?" Amelia responded with confusion.

"Yes, revenge. I heard everyone say that I was brain dead and agreed to pull the plug. I wasn't ready to die. I could have survived this and you should've known that. I was also angry that you dismissed me for so long. I've been here all this time and you never even noticed me. It was like I never existed."

"But you must know how bad I felt...that was why"  
"I know, I know that now but then it was –Look out!" Meheret shouted, but it was too late. Amelia turned her head quickly enough to see the truck directly in front of her. She only had a split second to break.

She was barely alive when she was brought to the hospital. She drifted in and out of consciousness for a few days. As much as she wanted to respond to the voices of the living she could not bear the thought of leaving Meheret alone again.

Finally she heard a loving voice. It appeared to be coming from the living.

"Amelia it's time to wake up" the voice whispered.

"Meheret! Is that -why can't I see you?"

"You have to wake up Amelia," the voice pleaded.

"But I don't want to leave you here...not again"

"I am here with you. I'm not going anywhere, just open your eyes"

Amelia reluctantly opened her eyes. It took her a moment to adjust to the light. As she began to focus on her surroundings she searched for Meheret.

"Meheret" she said drunkenly, but there was no response. She continued to mumble her name several times without a response.

Once she became fully conscious Amelia noticed her mother sitting beside her. They sat for several hours as the tears broke through the walls. She drifted in and out of consciousness all day.

Amelia woke up the next morning not realizing which world would greet her. The dark world wasn't so dark- simply unknown and misunderstood. As the physical world became clearer she wondered if she would see her friend again. The collision of both worlds, whether real or fantasy, brought Amelia to visit Meheret's grave perhaps for the last time. She knew it was time to thank Meheret for giving her peace. She awaited Meheret's spirit once again. Meheret appeared with a look of sadness on her face. "What did you do," she asked rhetorically. Meheret then grabbed Amelia's hand and guided her through the alternate reality. Amelia joined Meheret in death a day before her twentieth birthday.

# "So what went wrong for you?"

I don't know. Why I am here and Meheret isn't? I always thought that you would be reunited with loved ones once you die. Meheret's voice save my life and gave me a second chance. I was driving under the influence when I crashed that night. Maybe I was hallucinating but still, it was her voice that I heard. Her spirit was with me. I could have died that night. Even though death was right around the corner for me, I got the opportunity to experience love with my family. And love transcends time. Trying years followed Meheret's death. As painful as it was I never felt so much love around me. It is that love that made me understand why Meheret's death was necessary. Without it I would have not been able to transition into this world. She made it clear that life and death is all the same. We experience one as physical creatures and the other as spiritual beings. The two worlds collide in the dream state. Although the dream itself is not physical we are experiencing our dreams through a physical connection to the universe.

Everything is so clear to me now and could have been clearer then if I just paid attention to my dreams and trusted what it told me. For me, this is where all my answers lied while alive. The mind is in a programmed state during the waking hours. When it is at rest it is forced to listen to the sound of the cosmos. All answers are downloaded into the mind when space is free from being weighed down by daily events.

The spirit speaks to the soul through dreams. Properly exercised, the mind has the amazing ability to connect these seemingly different worlds. When the mind decides to tap into the resources available to it, no territory is unfamiliar. We can transcend our entire being simply by utilizing the tools set in place for its growth. One place that these tools can be found is within the garden of dreams. When the brain and body rest, the soul is at its peak and begins the process of sending multiple messages to the mind. Sometimes these messages reach the mind and the mind does not comprehend it at the present time and it is dismissed as nonsensical. It is only when an event electrifies the dream that we will understand it.

The mind may also decide to rearrange it into something less comprehensible. For, we are not emotionally ready to accept its message. The mind changes the message into meaningless suggestions that take us nowhere. One of the goals to understanding the dream world is to decipher the difference between what the soul is trying to tell us and when the mind is confusing the message. This procedure takes time. As you become more familiar and comfortable with yourself and your dreams, you will eventually realize what is coming from your mind or outside influences and what is coming from your soul.

The potential to live life to its fullest has clear guidance within your dreams. Sometimes dreams are a way to simply comfort us during time of distress. You do not always have to live in the present state if it is bringing you too much pain. Dwell on your past memories to take you to another place. That is the purpose of reflecting. Reflect on moments of joy during times of pain (there is no need to suffer needlessly, emotionally or physically). If no good memories come to mind create one. Yes, use your imagination. If you want to experience everything in life, use your imagination. It is a helpful form of daydreaming that can assist you through moments of despair. Another word for this is visualization. Visualize moments that make you happy. The mind doesn't really know the difference.

Dreams can fulfill a fantasy. Don't live in the fantasy by wishing for something that is not realistic such as, being younger, marrying a movie star, or winning the lottery. Although the latter can occur, it is not something that you should dwell on. Robbing a bank, killing, etc. are also harmful fantasies. Although many believe that through dreams we can live out our evil thoughts without actually harming anyone, I disagree. Our thoughts are a part of who we are. If someone constantly thinks about killing someone, he is not a killer by action. However he is a killer of his mind because he is destroying his own mind with negative thoughts eating him from within.

In one aspect fantasizing or visualization can bring forth serenity. It can keep our stress levels down by mentally taking us away from the pressures of everyday life. But when we constantly fantasize about fame, money, or power it can have the opposite effect - what happens when we don't get the things we desire? It leads to disappointments. Therefore, let our fantasies be something tangible that you can work towards achieving. Dreams and desires should motivate us. We are all familiar with the saying "the best way to make your dreams come true is to wake up." So we must get up and do a little something every day that will bring us closer to fulfilling our dreams. Think of positive things and it will manifest itself in action.

Dreams are thoughts that are subconsciously brought into existence or a foretelling of what is to come (as a fore warning). For us it could mean the difference between enjoying life (finding joy) or suffering. Take the chances necessary if you believe that it could lead you to happiness. The best way to make the right decision at the right time is awareness, which comes from observation. I wish that I could have taken advantage of this knowledge when it counted. It took me a lifetime to figure this out. Absorb all that you can, your answers are within that which you absorb and experience.

Many opportunities existed for me to adhere to my dreams. It took the final one to realize that I was granted an allotted amount of time to get myself together. I was given several opportunities to learn from previous mistakes. But unawareness caused me to step a little closer to the end. I now remember each account as if they occurred all at once. It always happened first within my dreams. I thought it was a pre-cursor, a warning, or a revelation of what is to come in my final hours. Although the plot changed the result was always the same. Sometimes I can manipulate the ending when I remember that it is my dream. The thing that caused me anxiety most about these situations was the dreadful scenery. It was mostly dark, dreary, and ugly. I was either locked somewhere alone or in murky waters. It was my depiction of what hell would be like and this bothered me. Why did I feel comfortable in hell? I began to wonder if this dream state would be my final resting place. I became preoccupied with death, almost to the point of obsession.

I wondered if the energy I spent contemplating death was bringing me closer to it (was I guiding the thought or was the thought guiding me). It was quite discomforting to me but I found that I was getting use to these dreams. I remember the first encounter. Shortly after the non-dream state I experienced a situation that made me recognize the dream. I calculated my actions, my every move, until I could reach a valid conclusion to why these dreams were occurring. It was the images that I subjected myself to during my waking hours, which had a profound effect on my dreams.

My dreams then affected my waking hours in the most harmful way. It affected my life and my life affected my dreams. This continued over and over again. It took me several accounts before I realized what was happening. Like anything else the more experience that you have in a situation the more comfortable you get. The soul wants to experience life through the human experience. It will show you how to live life to its fullest if you follow your pure dreams. Don't allow anyone to kill your joy. Be who you were meant to be and happiness will not escape you.

Therefore, it is equally important that you are aware of the images you subject yourself to throughout the course of the day because they can distract and disturb the flow of your dreams. Our way of thinking relies heavily on what we subject our minds to. All images that you incur in this life remain your images forever. The movies you watch, the music you listen to, the books you read, and the people you meet, all becomes a part of who you are and the demons you may face. The positive influences that you invite into your life creates a better tomorrow for your soul. The more beautiful images that you subject your mind to the more peaceful you will become. The horrible images, on the other hand, will come back to haunt you. Your mind doesn't know the difference between dimensions. There is no visible line that separates them.

Here is my advice to all mortal beings Remember to breath. Focus on breathing. It will enhance your vision and make things clear to you. Conscious breathing is a form of meditation available to you at all times. As you become aware of your breath, you will move at a slower pace and see situations before they emerge. You will feel as though you are in a dream state all the time.
Chapter Seven

Finally

Everyone has a story to tell and these were ours. It was now time to take action. The first step was to figure out where they went wrong. There was not a huge dissimilarity in how everyone came to where they are. None of them took control of their life while alive. Once dead they recognized their mistakes but they haven't let go of them.

"You guys must let go. Let go of your mistakes."

They spoke collectively, "We cannot. The nature of the universe won't allow it. You must right the wrong. We had our chances and couldn't remember what to do. This energy that we are clinging onto is dying and ready to take new form. Regardless of what we believe or continue to believe, we all feel the transformation happening. Before it arise we all need to make peace. We don't want our disappointments to roll over into the next evolutionary stage. It will be too late then.

"What do you mean by stating it will be too late?"

We will tell you what we know. We know that we all have an allotted time for our existence individually and collectively. Collectively, our time is almost up. Before it is up we must reform the world. The damage that was done to the world is our fault because we didn't take the necessary action needed to keep the world well balanced."

"There are many people that did far worst things in the world than you guys. I know that some of you guys harmed others; however, it wasn't as if you guys were cruel, callous, vicious criminals throughout your lives. I heard one of you say that we all have our breaking point. Well whose fault is it when someone reaches that point? That is what happened here. You guys got caught up in your emotions and exploded. People that snap in the heat of passion are worthy of forgiveness. Of course, they still must be held accountable for their actions, but they should not be damned to hell or depicted as a hopeless monster.

I also remembered one of you guys stating that there may be a divine reason why certain events occur. It may not make sense to us at the time but it may bring about positive changes in the world as a result. Let's look at Judah. Although his intentions appeared malevolent, he may have been working for the betterment of the universe. If you believe in the bible, Judah had a mission as well as Jesus. He had to set Jesus mission into action by completing his mission. We see his actions as cowardly, but perhaps "God" (his inner voice) took charge and led him in a certain direction in order to lead us in a certain direction. We all have a purpose that we should be willing to live and die for.

Changes are not usually made through passivity. Throughout history the end justifies the means through tragedy. We don't listen until something drastic happens; then we take notice of the message.

"We cannot speak for those other souls. All that we can say is that we had a conscious that we disregarded. Perhaps, that is what separates us from the others. They weren't going against themselves but we were.

As they finished their stories of death I wondered why I had not a story to tell. Why couldn't I remember what brought me to this place. Perhaps my ignorance was why I was here. I then directed a question towards the silent one. The one that remained silent throughout all of this. There was something that she knew about our situation but was unwilling to share.

"How about you and me" why don't we remember our story?"

Athena spoke, "Your stories are entangled. If you knew her story you would remember yours and that will prevent you from accomplishing your future goals. Your past will haunt you as it did her once she discovered the truth about her existence. She couldn't carry out the mission."

There was a pause as our energy rejuvenated. Now that all of their stories were told we knew where our mission must begin. Their vane death was what brought them here and their desire for retribution was evident in their presence. Unlike the first soul and I, they discovered their purpose and their plan to accomplish it included everyone here, especially me.

Now I knew where the lonely go after life. They have no place to go. They simply linger around waiting for the moment of recognition, and repentance from their spiritual descendents. We must look out for those with a lonely heart. Wherever they are the culprits would be near. Without speaking, our energy formed the answer. We can create our own world or conform to this one. We chose to use our god giving ability to create.

We were now the key to evolution and what was once ambiguous has become vividly clear. Our mission has but one goal - to set forth justice in an unjust world, a war against human evil. As we began to see what was really going on in this beautiful world camouflaged by hurt, we quickly became a movement for all justifiable angry souls. A new beginning erupted in our conscious and needed to be displayed outwardly. The energy within us must somehow be released in the physical realm called earth.

It was then that we formed our vow. We promised our souls that we would destroy all evil until there is nothing left but love. How else can we rid the world of evil but to destroy those that give birth to it? This was the only way our offspring could enjoy a degree of supreme consciousness. We were compelled to do this by all those before us and those to come. We were now crusaders for the innocent, the loss, and all damaged souls. I found myself drifting back to earth. I glance back at past lives in the present moment. For this plane has yet to experience what has already become. I've been here before but I can barely remember. Past lives intrude upon the present and torment each living thought. Why is the life of yesterday so easy to forget and death of tomorrow impossible to understand. Death lives next door to life and remains its constant companion. They are both intrigued and obsessed with the knowledge and ignorance of the other.

Eyes of Reality

Soothing whispers of a thunderous voice awakens my

### spirit as the cool humbling winds

lifts my soul up to the awaiting clouds

that greets this kindred spirit.

It holds and comforts me as it guides me through the

(Infinite) Eternal skies until we reach those

luminous specks within.

I now watch the universe through the eyes of

the knowing and remembered all that I had forgotten.

Eternity passes when I am suddenly threshed back into

the realm of the forgetful.

Confusing are these future moments

as I am released from all that I have known.

I am withdrawn from the thunderous voice that once awakened me

the winds that once lifted me

the clouds that once greeted me

and the skies that once guided me

Alone again with a sense of emptiness inside

for this time I remember all those secrets that I was supposed to forget

How tempting it is to return back to the eyes of reality.

As I opened my eyes prematurely, I heard the voices say we will be with you at all times.

#### "How will I find them all? There will be too many for me to handle?"

"It's okay, you will never have to carry a burden that is too heavy. There will be others. You must take care of those within your atmosphere. They will find you. Remember do what you can when you can without jeopardizing your own safety. It is dangerous to take on too much at one time. Are you ready?

"Yes", I said. But no, I thought to myself. This cannot be. We can derail the flow of the universe by either forcing an event into existence that was not meant to be at that time or by doing nothing at all.

We have no idea of the impact that our actions may have on the world. We didn't think about the resistance that we may encounter or the ramifications felt by all. Based on Larry's ordeal the answer doesn't lie in retribution. It is about understanding.

We must comfort the hurt because hurt people hurt people. We have to put an end to hurt. Putting an end to evil will be an ongoing battle. However, there are those that were not meant to harm others. They only hurt people because they see it no other way. They believe it to be a means to survive. These are the people we have to protect and guide. They, like us, will not live up to their potential because they will be distracted and destroyed by hurt, betrayal, and apathy. If this happens we will fail and regress back to our primitive state controlled not by love but by ignorance.

This is what I must remember but remembering is the hardest and most frightening thing. Suppose I remembered something that I didn't want to remember. Suppose the process of remembering prevent me from accomplishing my goal. Or supposed I forget everything. Where would I be then but in the same place I was before? How I wish that I had more time to contemplate but now I had to stop thinking and just be. I felt a surge of energy injected into me. The sea of colors that I saw while leaving this plane, I began to see again. I saw the light. It blinded me for a while but my body began to adjust. The eyes can only see what the mind can comprehend. My mind was receptive to all that made everything possible. It was fully aware of its surroundings and could see beyond the naked eye. My thoughts were creating what existed. This time as I got closer to the universe the independent colors were distinguished by assorted hues of light. Slowly, I saw my own developing. My body has fully formed and I began to breathe again. I mean really breathe as if I were the air itself. I could also feel again. I became sensitive to the touch. I am alive. As long as I remember my cause there will be no sorrow for me this time. Worries and fears will mean nothing. I am the happy medium- a new soul with the wisdom of the old. It all makes sense. The blood trickling down my throat, the struggle to taste, hear and see are all the feelings felt when you are in the process of being born. I was never dying I am experiencing birth. Death and birth is the identical. These figures were figments of what is called imagination. They were illusions presented to me beforehand so I would know them when I see them. I would then be responsible for not allowing what was told to me to occur. I am their inner voice- the soul- the guardian angel. The most frustrating thing about this situation is not being able to speak. I need a voice. I need to tell them what I wanted to tell them before. I want to tell them what truly matters before I forget like those before me. All these people around me are no longer strangers. I know who they are and they must be reminded. I need them. Their energy is keeping me alive.

With every breath, I intake a little of them all. Through a mirror I look into my keeper's eyes and can see her entire life from beginning to end. She is a remarkable woman. She is unaware of her own presence. She hides her smile. I know life has been hard for her but things will change soon. I will make sure of that. I will change her future by guiding her present day actions. I will you my knowledge to lead her away from what could have been a disastrous life. Trust few but love many is what I need to tell her. These words will stop the heartache and pain in her life. It feels good to know that you are about to make a change in the world. I hear "I love you" whispered into the ear of a child. Although I cannot yet comprehend the words, the feeling it gives is undeniable. Attaching the word to the feeling will come in time. Yet the baby cries because it wants more of her love but she puts it down. She has others to attend to, including the father. He picks up the child and throws it into the air. It flies for a while. And he holds it. His hold is different. It feels awkward to the child. It wants its mother's attention so it cries for her again. She looks over at it and takes it into her arms. The father walks away but not without giving the mother a look of disapproval."They are going to love you more than me," he says to my mother. The mother gives a clever smirk in reply because she knows it is true. It will be like this until I am able to speak. I am quickly becoming aware of everything around me. Even the small gestures of people are not beyond my comprehension anymore. All it takes is observation. Mistakes will happen this I know. But I know how to jump over these hurdles and keep in stride with all that surrounds me. I am catching onto life at a rather astonishing pace. I will succeed. The key is to remember me. I must remember me.

####

Nothing physical to tie me down

Nothing mental to disrupt pure sound

No thoughts to corrupt nature's flow

I am now the wind that blows

THE MISSING LINK

"The Day Planner"

Memoirs of a Twisted Mind

I had finally reached my breaking point. I began contemplating either suicide or murder. The reason behind my mental decline was my roommate. She was annoying as hell and it was causing me to lose control. It became evident that one of us had to go and as innocent as she appeared to be, it had to be her. Her smug attitude let me know that she knew the damage she was causing me. Sometimes I questioned whether others viewed her as repulsive as I did. I concluded that it was impossible for them not to. They just found ways to avoid her. She had to know how annoying I found her to be, but simply didn't care and that frustrated me even more.

It took me a long time to finally figure out exactly what it was about her that disgusted me so much. After much reflection, I remembered where the problem began. It was the first day we met. We were both selected for a one-year in house government program called Americorps. As fate would have it, we were also randomly chosen as roommates. From day one she carried around this stupid day planner. I asked her what's with the little book.

"Oh, it's a day planner...it was a gift" she politely replied.

I didn't believe her for a second. Why would someone buy her a gift like that? It was clear to me and probably everyone else that she was not busy enough of a person to need something dayplanner. I don't even need a day planner. I think she bought it herself to look important and bother the hell out of normal people like me.

There were instances where the phone would ring and she would jump up and grab her planner as if she knew it was for her. It usually was which just sent chills down my spine. How could anyone show interest in someone like her. Still, whomever she was talking to on the other end wasn't saying anything important enough for her to write in that planner but she found a reason to write a bunch of mumbo jumbo in it anyway.

The day planner was just the beginning of my torment. She also had a watch that would go off every few hours as a reminder to take her pills. Curiosity got the better of me one day so I inquired about the pills as well.

"Hey roommate what kind of pills are those...I mean should I be afraid," I said jokingly.

"Nah, they are just diet pills my doctor gave me to try," she said.

That's the other thing about her that was a bit annoying. I couldn't understand why she always had short responses to my questions when it was obvious that she was doing these things to raise questions. Her aloof attitude for attention was pathetic.

I must admit she was good with her habits. Without a watchful eye, the average person may even think that she was normal. Her daily routines would even support it. She would wake up early every morning just for a "quick run" around the block to stay in shape she says, as if she could stand to lose any more weight. Then she would purposely show me out whenever it was time for room inspection by having her entire area smelling of pine sol. So our director could ask, "What is that fresh smell?" and then she could reply, "Oh, I cleaned with pine sol" as if it was nothing special but it was to intentionally leave me out of the conversation.

Simply put she was too damn organized. But it was the day planner that she carried around religiously that opened my eyes to her madness so it was what stuck out to me more than any of her other irritating habits. I mean, for crying out loud, she would go through it each night before going to bed so that she could be properly prepared for tomorrow. That would annoy the hell out of anybody in his or her right mind. And after she finishes jotting down her crap and reading over everything, as if it were a novel, she would place the freaking thing under her pillow. She acted as if it were more holy than the bible. It was pure madness and I could not put up with it much longer.

Did I mention how she slept? She was no sleeping beauty but you couldn't tell her that. She fell asleep on her side with her hands neatly tucked under her cheek. It couldn't be comfortable she just wanted to look perfect, like an angel or something, but angels don't snore! Everything about her was driving me crazy but I refuse to go down without a desperate fight. I was going to do my best to drive her just as crazy as she was driving me. After all she had to be a little close to the edge herself to be so damn organized and disciplined. I figured that I would start off small and then I would work my way up to the gusto. I didn't know at all what the "gusto" would be but when it was time I was sure it would be brilliant. I was determined to break even with her sickening ways to the point that it became an obsession. I began thinking of all sorts of twisted things that I could do to further her insanity. I began by hiding her belongings. I also picked up the phone when it didn't ring, and laugh for no reason at all. I knew that I had to be irritating. How clever can I get? Once she began to distance herself from me I knew that I was finally making some progress until one day she came into the room while I was resting.

"Hey, Ms. Jackie wants to see you," she said.

"Do you know what for" I responded.

"No...I umm saw her in the hall and she just told me to tell you to come to her office when you get the chance."

Ms. Jackie was the so- called counselor on the campus and self- proclaimed overseer. She was the type that always wanted to seem concerned about everyone and everything in the world. I guess she had good intentions but whatever difference she was trying to make in the world wasn't working for her because nobody took her too serious. But this situation was bothering me and I know my roommate knew more than she was letting on.

As I began walking down the hall I was trying to think what she could possibly want with me. I couldn't think of anything that I had done wrong. I wish that I had a rebel bone in my body- to sneak out after hours or smoke in the room- but the fact was that I was pretty much a bore with a wild imagination.

I knocked on the door hoping not to get an answer. I had drawn the conclusion that there was something wrong at home. Either someone had died or was seriously injured. I was not ready to hear or deal with that sort of news. Before I could turn away someone opened the door and sat me down. It was not Ms. Jackie. Much to my disappointment there were four of my superiors sitting there wearing the same concerned faces. They did not waste any time either. They began asking me a series of questions, beginning with how am I getting along here, how do I like the program so far, and have I had any problems or been under any stress lately. I guess they were hoping that I would spill my guts out about something but there was nothing to spill. I answered the questions even though they were a bit puzzling. I didn't understand the procrastination. If there was something wrong there was no need to prolong the news any further. It became quite draining and painful to continue to answer these questions. It was redundant. I hate redundancy almost as much as I hated my roommate. The entire scene was bothering me and my patience was wearing thin.

Finally I surprised myself and said, "look... no disrespect but what is this all about"

They hesitated momentarily and glanced back and forth at each other. Then my team leader finally replied. Well, the staff here is really concerned about you. We were told by a friend of yours that you had been acting very strange lately. This person was obviously concerned about you and hoped that we could help you in some way."

I wanted to know what was said but more importantly who was this concerned friend. So I asked them who it was that was so concerned about me but they refused to tell me. She said the person wanted it confidential and they had to respect that. I then asked what was I doing that was so strange. After a bit of hesitation Ms. Jackie, the spokesperson for the group, cleared her throat, clearly a calculated move that had been practiced and used far too much, said that they were told that I would laugh at inappropriate times and simply express behavior that made the person very uncomfortable. They also told me that this unknown person said that I would talk on the phone to no one for long periods of time as well.

If they were really trying to keep the identity of the person who contacted them a secret, they had just blown it. They told me too much. After that I realized what this was all about. It was my damn roommate. She got me. She turned it around and made it look as if I was the crazy one. Of course, my behavior was a bit questionable but my sudden change in attitude was to prevent her from forcing me into deep insanity, the kind where this is no coming back. They couldn't see how the ends justified the means and I wasn't about to waste my time trying to convince them. I simply told them that I could clear this up and that I was aware of what they were talking about. I assured them that they had nothing to worry about. I was just joking around. I don't know why I added this last comment but once I said I knew that it was the wrong thing to say. In my attempt to convince them that I was okay, I said "You guys don't have to worry about me doing anything crazy to her." The look on their faces told me that I must immediately change my behavior.

I guess I did a lousy job convincing them that I was okay. I knew from then on that they would be watching my every move. The last comment that they made was that they wanted me to meet with a counselor once a week to discuss anything that maybe bothering me. To ease their mind I told them that it wouldn't be a problem and thanked them for their concern. I was riveted after leaving that room. I had almost wished that it had been bad news instead of dealing with this. Now I had to change my strategy. This did not stop me from finishing my mission; it gave me more of a reason to continue.

I couldn't believe she had outsmarted me in that way. I honestly didn't see that coming and didn't know she was capable of doing such a thing to me. Who was she to take it upon herself and show concern for me. She was more evil that I thought and now she had a team of people on her side. This would be a little more challenging now but not at all impossible.

It was obvious that the old way wouldn't work anymore. So it was time for plan B. I came up with the creative idea of writing, erasing, and editing that planner of hers. It was a risk but worth taking. If it worked it would surely drive her up the wall but if it didn't I would be caught and once again be left looking like a loony. Then I had an even better plan. I should just simplify my idea by discarding the planner and be done with it. It was brilliant. I would only have to touch that god-awful thing once and if she replaced it with another it would meet the same fate until she gets the damn point. There would be no day planners as long as I was around. If she caught onto to me and told those psycho friends of hers it would be her word against mine. I would surely make her look like the crazy one next time. After all "What would I want with her day planner."

So I was all set as soon as the opportunity presented itself I would act on my thoughts. I waited patiently and began thinking how smart it was of me not to mention a word about the meeting I had with the personnel to her. Even though she knew what the meeting was all about, she didn't have to know that I knew it was because of her. It was better this way because it may have raised suspicion. She would have immediately assumed that that I was doing this to get back at her. She couldn't prove this theory though, because I never express how irate I was over this whole thing. I knew that if I could pull this off I would have to do it in a way that anybody could have taken it or she could have left it somewhere and lost it. I could not be all-inclusive.

I remembered that every Monday we had team building exercises. This would be the perfect time to take action. I eagerly awaited the morning meeting that preceded the teambuilding activities. I knew that the meeting usually lasted about two hours with a fifteen-minute break in between. Everyone pretty much trusts everyone in this morally correct place. I knew that this was one of those rare occasions where she would leave her bag, including the day planner, just to prove that she trusted everyone.

Once we had our break I looked around to observe any potential observers. It's always pretty hectic at this time. Everyone was leaving to go out on the lawn to smoke and talk except for a few pretentious jerks that stayed behind. Luckily they weren't paying much attention to me so I reached into her bag and took out her planner. I placed my bag right next to her so that it would appear as if I was going into my own just in case there were any surprise onlookers. Once I retrieved her planner I immediately put it into my bag and left the room. It was easier than I thought. With no second thoughts about it, I decided to walk outside of the opposite end of the building and throw it into the large dumpster in the parking lot. As I approached the dumpster I noticed a sewer across the street. This was even better I thought. There was no way anyone would find it down there. It will never return to haunt me again. Without hesitation I ran across the street and threw it in the sewer. I then went around the building where the majority of the people were standing and relaxed on the grass for the remaining minutes. I had a moment to contemplate on what I had just done. I tried to think of reasons why I she feel bad for my actions but I couldn't think of any. No one would be harmed or hurt by what I did so why grow a conscious now when it was too late to do anything about it. The only thing that would happen is that I would make one very deserving person very angry and that was what I had set out to accomplish.

As we resumed back into the room I was one of the last to enter. I made certain that she and I would not make eye contact. I did not want her to see the glee in my eyes because of what she had yet to discover. I never thought about how I should react as I watched her going through her panic stages. I wanted her to see a little deception in my eyes just to bother her more but not enough to draw any suspicion. She did not yet have a reason to write into her planner but I was sure that she would find one before the meeting was over.

As the end of the meeting approached, I felt myself getting overwhelmed with disappointment. It's just my luck or Murphy's law that when you want something so overwhelming and damn near definite to occur, it doesn't. I wanted it too much perhaps. Now I may not even be around to reap the benefits of what I had done. It could be any place at anytime that she would look for it.

After looking for the good in all this, I saw that the gods were still working with me. Now as more time elapsed, it would not be apparent at all that I had anything to do with the missing day planner. She wouldn't even know when it was that she "lost it." At that moment of clarity, life was great. All that I could hope for now is that I could still be a witness to her agony. That would make everything perfect. I was so anxious that it was disgusting even to me.

Now that the afternoon activities began, we were in separate places. I knew now that I would at least have to wait for lunch to see what happened. As lunch rolled around I noticed myself actually looking forward to seeing her. I even asked a few people if they had seen her around. One person finally told me that they saw her walking back towards the dorms. My initial thought was to jump up and catch up with her because I knew that she had to have realized by now that it was missing. If she didn't though, I would have been upset to run around there for nothing. It could have also been that she forgot her stupid pills, which was the next thing on my agenda to rid her of. I decided to play it cool and wait until she approach me, which was a logical thing for a roommate to do.

The entire day had gone pass and still no response. I began to wonder if she was trying to play head games with me. Maybe this is going to be a tic for tack thing and if that were the case then I was in it to the end.

Later that evening, just when I was about to give up on any celebrations, she gave in and asked me if I had seen her day planner. She asked me in a very calm voice and I responded just as calm with a polite "no." That was the end of the conversation. She robbed me of my gleeful moment. I couldn't understand how but she was still getting to me. She has the inappropriate responses to things. If she wasn't going to make a big stink about this, then it was time to take those pills, or maybe that stupid watch that goes off, or perhaps both. I hadn't decided what step that I would take next but I wasn't giving up. I needed time to think clearly. I was convinced that something would come to mind.

I still was burning inside from her reaction so I had to get over that first.

I hardly slept that night and every time I turned over and saw how well she was sleeping after losing her planner it made me sick inside. She worshipped that thing. This is not how one should react after losing their god. I wanted to get up and slap her silly until she woke up and then admit to her that I had taken her planner and threw it down the sewer. Maybe if she heard that from me it would take her over the edge. Then I thought maybe all she was waiting for was an acknowledgement from me. No way was I willing to take that chance. After all, you never know she may have a hidden camera or recorder in here somewhere just waiting for me to incriminate myself. My better judgment told me to lay low. She was bound to crack before me. Now I have to think of how noticeable I wanted to be when I take the next thing. At this point I didn't care much about being caught by her. In some ways I wanted her to know it was me, just to let her know what she was up against. If only she knew but couldn't prove anything that would surely drive her up a wall or two. I now knew what the gusto would be. I concluded that I would take both the watch and the stupid pills. Maybe now she would put on some weight and look normal for once. Not only that, if I had it my way she would also oversleep for the first time in her life as well. Without me or that stupid watch to wake her up, I knew she would continue to sleep like a baby. Just by observing her in her sleep you could tell that her dreams were pleasant and she wouldn't want out of the dream world she was in-unless, of course, she was forced to by a cheap alarm watch.

I was not going to prolong it any further. Before she woke up I took the watch and it was on its way out the window. It then suddenly occurred to me that perhaps I was taking things too fast. I should not act so quickly. I thought of an alternative plan. I decided to simply shut the alarm off and let her oversleep. Even though she was a heavy sleeper I chose to skip a shower, get dress in the dark, and leave with no regrets. I didn't want to take any chances.

It was midday and I still didn't hear anything from her. It wasn't surprising though because sometimes I would go the whole day without seeing her until later in the evening. Often times we would meet up in the lunchroom and that was where I expected to see her. Apparently I was not the only one looking for her. A couple of her team members, including her team leader had asked me if I knew where she was. I told them that I hadn't seen her at all today. They looked a bit puzzled as they walked away but I continued to eat since I knew that she was probably still in her room too embarrass to leave.

She's probably trying to think of some grand excuse for being late but she is taking this just a little too far, I thought. I guess she is willing to say and do anything to get out of night duty, which is usually what happens when someone is late. It is okay for someone like me to have it because I can sneak in a quick nap while watching the dorms but she would be sleep for the rest of the night if she tried it. I was glad that something was finally coming in between her and that precious sleep of hers. Through the window I could see my roommates' team leader and her sidekick walking towards the dorms. We will find out soon enough what will come of this. It dawned on me how fitting it would be if I were there this time to see her reaction to being busted for the first time. I began walking over to the dorm. I already had a story if anyone were to ask where I was going. For the first time I would show concern for my roommate. I would be so sincere that they would have to let me go.

As I headed towards the room I saw her team leader once again. She was banging on the door and calling out to my roommate. Her yell was annoying the hell out of me so I told her to hang on while I get my keys to open the door. As I fondled around for my keys a thought briefly pass through my mind. I didn't understand why she wouldn't just open the door and get it over with. I wondered if she was really in there or had she left and went somewhere to exaggerate whatever story she had conjured up. I hesitated prior to opening the door. I said a quick prayer hoping that she was in there and I could finally see her act in desperation. I purposely opened the door slowly to prolong her agony. As we walked in we gathered around her. Amazing. She was still sleeping or pretending to still be asleep. Her team leader looked frustrated as she began to shake my roommate and call her name quite rudely I might add. We didn't get a response. We all looked at one another in confusion and disbelief of what seemed apparent. Something was wrong. She was not moving or responding at all. Her team leader picked up the phone and called 911 and her sidekick ran down the hall screaming for help. I think she saw too many movies and thought that it was appropriate but she looked rather ridiculous. I continued to stand there over her wondering what was her deal. I guess the operator was giving her team leader directions on what to do because she grabbed my roommate's wrist to check for a pulse. She then told the operator that she didn't have a pulse. Her team leader then asked me if I knew CPR. I told her no because I didn't think it was necessary. I wasn't about to give in now by helping her, besides I really did not know it anyway. I took a class a couple of years ago but didn't quite remember the procedures. She then asks me to try to see if someone around knows CPR until the ambulance arrives. I was going to tell her that was probably what her sidekick was doing but I refrained and quickly walked out as if to show an attempt to help. If anyone had time to kill I did. I wasn't quite ready to give into her, but if she was acting boy was she good. Anyone that observed me without my knowledge would immediately pick up on the fact that I didn't want to be bothered with helping my roommate with yet another sneaky attempt to get attention. I continued to pretend to care whenever I saw someone by asking others if they knew CPR. I was glad when they continued the conversation by asking me why and what happened. It gave me time to procrastinate and shoot the gift instead of really going to try to find someone else to ask.

Once I heard the ambulance coming I gave up on asking anyone else. As they turned the corner they asked us where the victim was. The thought of flat out lying crossed my mind but unfortunately there were others around so I was forced to tell the truth. I even decided to run up to my room with them. I was pretty impress with my acting skills. I actually appeared to be concerned. I thought about taking it a step further by forcing out some tears but I'm not that good yet, not even if I tried my mind wasn't having such hypocrisy.

There were a lot of us now standing around and viewing the scene. One of the EMS workers asked us if we knew whether or not she was on any type of medication. I felt all eyes staring at me of course, since I was her roommate and all. I was in an honest mood so I pointed towards her jewelry box and told them that she was taking some pills every morning but they were just diet pills. One of the workers continued to try to revive her as the other looked in the box for the pills. They both looked at each other with hopelessness reflecting from their eyes. The worker read the pills and told the other that she was taking medication for a heart condition. He then told us to clear the pathway area so that they continue working on her and move her out. Perhaps she wasn't acting anymore. No one knew how to react. We were still too shocked to respond. I knew that I was responsible for everything and as incredible as it may sound, I still didn't feel guilty.

After she was taken out of the building the director of the program told us all to take the rest of the day off to console one another. Many people came up to me to ask if I was okay. I wasn't really sure how I wanted to play this so I decided to work on my acting skills a little more by expressing my hurt until I realized how much energy caring required. I was let off the hook when one of the investigators, I had guessed, asked me over to see if I could answer a few questions so they could make out a report. They asked me if she had gotten up at all this morning to take her pills, was she feeling okay last night, if I knew what the pills was for, and a few more nosey questions about her. I cooperated as much as I could without getting a little impatient and annoyed. I could have sworn that they asked me the same questions over and over again at least three times. I almost began to worry that they suspected me of something. I didn't get to paranoid because I knew nothing could be proven. I felt like I should have been mortified because of my ideas and true feelings, but in actuality I hadn't done anything bad. After all she could have committed suicide. I never knew anyone to die of oversleeping. I hoped that they would catch on to my clear signs of impatience and restlessness that began to grow and would respect my damn near deliberate signs to be left alone.

After a few more questions they politely thanked me and left. The administration told those of us who occupied the dorm where it happened to sleep in the empty room down the hall. This was my first time since coming to this place that I finally got a good night sleep. That was when I knew that I hadn't done anything that terrible. If no one else knew about her, I did and little did they know that I saved others from mental torment. I wouldn't have lasted the entire program living with her.

The next day we all formed a meeting and the administrators informed us of what happened. My roommate was dead. They told me that I would be moving into another room because they knew it would be hard on me staying in the room where it occurred. I must have been putting on quite a show, better than I thought even for them to believe something like that. I could sleep anywhere now. The room isn't the problem. The actual problem is now taken care of. It could have been a little insulting if I thought more about what they were implying. I decided to drop it even though a side of me wanted to explain to them that it wasn't like that. I should have said I'm at peace now and I have no problem staying in the room but I know a comment like that would raise a few eyebrows so I let it be. After the meeting was over they allowed us the day off and told me to pack my stuff and be ready to move out by the end of the day. Someone-and I'm not sure if it was actually a personnel member or a corps member like me, since everybody wants to be so freaking important here- but someone pretending to be concerned, asked me if I was comfortable being in that room alone. I purposely hesitated and then replied that I would be okay. I must admit when I first walked into the room it was a bit eerie. I got used to entering the room prepared for aggravation but I knew this time there would be no annoyance to greet me. The room was now aggravation free and no longer reeked of her. It didn't take long for me to gather all of my things and leave the room but I stayed a little longer than necessary to enjoy being by myself for a while after all I did not know what my new arrangements would be. After taking a quick nap I realized that it was time for me to go. I milked this cow for all it was worth. I glanced around the room for a final check and noticed her watch ticking away on the dresser. In memory of her I put it in my pocket. It may even come in handy. Perhaps this will motivate me to be a little more organized, neater, and disciplined. I wondered how long I would actually keep the watch in my possession before coming to my senses. I thought that I might try it for a few days and see what happens. Getting rid of things is an easy thing to do and it was always an option. I have no problem with good-byes so when the alarm starts getting on my nerves it's bye-bye.

Someone knocked on the door just as I was opening it to leave. I never saw this person but I assumed it was a relative of the deceased because of the bloodshot eyes and the look of despair all on her face. I was not in the mood for any consoling so I tried to make it look as if I was in a hurry. Unfortunately, that didn't work. She grabbed my hand and introduced herself as the deceased mother. I put on the sad face and said all the appropriate things that I was taught to say during these occasions. She sat down on her daughter's bed and that's when I knew that I was in for a long afternoon. What could she possibly tell me about her or her daughter that would be remotely interesting. I was a bit curious so I sat on the edge of my bed facing her. She fought back outright crying but she should have just let it out. It wasn't very appealing to watch her struggle to contain herself. She eventually began talking about the problems her daughter had pertaining to her health. She had asked me if I was aware of her heart condition. After a shaking of my head she continued. She told me that her daughter also had attention deficit disorder and that she bought her a day planner hoping that it would help her to stay focus on things that she had to do. I told her that these things were never shared with me and added that she never said much at all. Her mom then told me that she rarely tells anyone about either condition. She just didn't like discussing it. I told her that I was sorry about what had happened and got up from the bed. I thought about giving her a hug but something changed my mind. Instead I briefly put my hand on her shoulder and said goodbye.

As I made my way down the hall I thought about how it all made sense. Perhaps she wasn't the pretentious self-absorbed person I thought she was. The watch, the pills, and the day planner played a necessary part in her life. I guess it was all the things she needed. It probably wouldn't have stopped me from doing what I had done, but I may have had some regrets afterwards. The fact is that it was really annoying and anything would have been reason enough. The madness still had to end. Eventually it would have ended the same. It didn't weigh heavy on my mind. I began thinking of where I was going next. I sat in the lounge on the first floor. This is where all the big shots stayed so I knew that I would run into someone who could point me in the right direction. I waited about twenty minutes before someone came in. I told him that I was waiting to be placed in another room and waited for a response. The jerk didn't even look at me. He just nonchalantly said someone would be here soon. Soon is a long time here so I lied across the couch to rest my eyes a while and began thinking how bored I was going to be living in peace.

I heard voices making its way towards me. Someone quietly called my name. That was the most sincere politeness I've ever been shown. I opened my eyes and recognized my roommate's only true friend. She said that I was going to be her new roommate and asked me if I needed help with my bags. I could have got them all myself but decided to take advantage of the offer. Besides it was too soon for a possible insult. Her building was directly across from mine. I remember once my roommate and she were talking back and forth to each other from the windows. She seemed like she was a good friend for someone to have, especially for someone like my roommate who had all kinds of issues. While walking across the grass I thought that I would start some small talk but nothing having to do with my roommate. If she were to mention something about her I would simply tell her that it was too soon for me to talk about it. Anyone had to respect that even if it were a lie. I knew that she couldn't handle the truth even if we became friends. I did ask her what happened to her roommate. To my surprise she informed me that she was kicked out after failing a random urine tests. I didn't know that they even gave us any kind of tests here. I was going to ask how long ago and all that other crap to extend the conversation but changed my mind. Since we were now roommates I knew that we would have more time to talk later if I wanted to. I was just ready to unpack my things.

Once we got to the room it was clear where I was sleeping. I saw the used mattress that I was about to cover with about twenty sheets. I unpacked all my things first. I guess instead of offering her help again she decided to bail out by taking a bath. It was okay with me though; I didn't want anybody touching my things anyway. I took a brief break in the middle of unpacking and noticed a book on the side of the dresser. I went over to pick it up but as I drew closer I realized what it was. I picked it up anyway in disbelief. As soon as I picked it up my new roommate came out of the bathroom. She saw me standing there with her day planner in my hand. She continued to look and finally asked me if seeing that bothered me since my former roommate had one just like it. I couldn't help but to ignore her question and ask my own. I wanted to know why she had such a thing. She told me that my former roommate told her that she had lost hers. She bought another one for her as a gift but never gave it to her. She added that she never thought about using one until now. My thought was at least she won't miss it when it's gone. I knew peace was too good to be true.

There it is. I was responsible for someone's death and spent the rest of my life without remorse tying me down. As soon as she finished her story I knew that she was the one harboring resentment towards the others. I began my questions by asking her a question that I already knew the answer to.

"While all the others seem to regret their actions you don't, why is that?"

Why, because it really was not my fault. It was her alter ego telling her that nothing matters. She believes that she is not responsible for my actions. She says that it is nature at work. Good and evil are words used to subjectively judge the actions of others. Evil actually works for the good in man. It is how we distinguish between the weak and powerful. The more powerful one becomes the more prone he is to have the courage to act out his thoughts. She believes that I am weak and cannot survive without her. In fact, while listening intently to all of the previous stories again, she pointed out the many contradictions within each of them. Not only do you guys contradict yourselves, but she also believes that your beliefs are totally unfounded.

She says that Gwen's theory that nobody is beyond help is nothing more than wishful thinking. How do you know everyone on drugs wants help? It is best to leave people alone unless they ask for assistance. Perhaps drugs are the best that they could do. Drugs are their coping mechanism. It may be the only reason why they want to live because at least drugs gives them some pleasure in a world that wasn't always pleasant to them. Can you think of any better way to live out your life than in ecstasy? Look at what benefits we reaped from drug addicts such as Edgar Allan Poe, Whitney Houston, John Coltraine, and Billie Holiday. Allow their creative juices to flow enhance their ingenuity. They live in their own world in order to uplift the human spirit through entertainment. Leave the simple things for the simple people. Let the janitors be janitors. Let the maids be maids. Let the secretaries be secretaries. We need simple people to carry out the simple chores while the more apt take on the more complex in order for our society to flourish.

Another erroneous suggestion that she says Gwen made was when she limited her beliefs to the black race. It is more about class than anything else. It is about the poor empowering themselves and having the valor to collaborate in order to overthrow this government. By limiting our struggle to just the black race we are limiting our resources. It is not just a race issue it is a class issue. The class structure for blacks unfortunately falls into the category of poverty level. But we are not the only people. Our struggle must become a struggle of social class in order to involve the masses.

She responded to your theory on souls and asked the question what good is it to have a soul if it readily acquiesce to the "powers that be" those without a soul. It seems more like a liability to have one. Africans seemed to have souls but it did not protect them from group of people who have the fortune of not answering to a conscious. Are people with a soul supposed to be more superior to those without one?

As for Silky, she says that she must understand that some women are not meant to have children. They may have a higher purpose and children might get in the way of fulfilling their purpose. She says that Silky focused on the irrelevant and that's what drove her over the edge.

She voiced her opinion about all of you and was very critical of what you had to say. She told me to say something, but I couldn't. You guys spoke with such fervor because you all believed in your personal truths. I just couldn't take that moment away from any of you. However, she says that I am not doing us any good. She said that you guys have to know when you are not making any sense. Although there was some truth to them, it was more confusing than anything else, especially for someone listening to it for the first time.

She is a philosopher of sorts and a self-proclaimed prophetess. She claims to have knowledge of the universe that she received during time spent with the ancients. This knowledge, she says, can end many of the self-inflicted problems we create in this world.

The miracle of life can also be explained in accordance with our understanding for existing (like a teacher need its pupil so does the earth need us). In the eyes of life, our purpose is to die. We die so that others can live and so that life itself can continue. We are born to die. We will be useless if we lived forever. Imagine life without death.

She has spoon-fed me these revelations since the beginning of our relationship, which began when I start asking myself pertinent questions relating to this world. She suddenly began to answer them for me. I never questioned her origin since I already knew what it was. She should not be confused with a split personality. She was not created from a psychological conflict. Our relationship does get rocky at times, especially when I ask a question that she has no answer to. Her response is to then leave me in a state of doubt and concern. So you see how troubling and frustrating this can be.

Yet we complimented each other well and that is why I allow her to exist inside of me. For I am a passive person, which makes it perfect for this dominating personality to take control of a conversation. I listen eagerly to what she says whether I agree or not. She often makes a very persuasive argument. I entertain all possibilities, which is probably why she singled me out. I am an easy target for those to explore their own inquisitive nature. For that is how a conversation usually begins.

She whispers to me and expects me to repeat what she says to others. She interrupts my thoughts with so much diligence that it is impossible to evade. Some moments are spent realizing how sweet ignorance can be. However deceptive this may sound, once she informed me of my job I had no intentions on going along with it. She continues to reinforce this by showing me where I am supposed to begin (getting preoccupied with yourself will deter you from what you were sent here to do). In retrospect, these were her intentions all along. She constantly revealed to me what she knows through my sub consciousness. Somehow she knows when to let go and humor me, which is another reason I keep her around. It is only when she interrupts my opportunities to be normal that she annoys me. At the most inconvenient times she blurts out answers that I asked her weeks ago and it scares people off.

The day I became overwhelmed with questions was the beginning of eternity and the end of me. The questions were simple and innocent enough for me to answer on my own if I were as patient with my inner self as I am with my alter ego. I found myself consumed with random questions that needed to be answered. Why is it that I am obsessed with what I will never know? I am desperately trying to find a purpose to all of this. If we are merely here for survival then what separates us from the other "less intelligent" creatures of the world and why are we plagued with intelligence. We all live, die, and hopefully love in between. But what purpose does love even serve once we all are gone. Is it simply to make us feel that the experience of life was worth living even though afterwards nothing at all matters, not even love? Or is there a bigger picture? One that will only reveal itself in that other realm once we all eventually fade into it. Why should we find the answer in retrospect? Why can't we find the answer when we want it? Isn't the answer better served when we are breathing? This is when we can actually do something and make changes.

There are so many thoughts and ideas that enter my mind; all conflicting with the other. There are times when it is totally logical for me to believe that there are other worlds that exist beyond this one. We can all have an opportunity to travel and explore these worlds once we find our way. We will not have the same course nor will we even remember our past worlds and lives. We can barely remember our dreams so what makes us think we will remember our past lives.

This leads to the other point of why? What would be the purpose of reincarnating, especially since we never learn from our past mistakes. Once this thought enters my mind it brings me to the next idea that maybe after this there is nothing else. Everything disperses and returns back to its natural state. Even if our energy is transformed into other life forms it would be as if we never existed anyway because our mind, body, and soul are not the same. The mind no longer thinks, the body is incapable of functioning and the soul therefore, no longer has meaning. It loses its purpose because the mind and body that contained it no longer exists. The only problem with this is where do these thoughts come from anyway. Why am I here sitting in fascination over my existence? What causes me to dream about what is to come? Maybe dreams that come true are thoughts that we subconsciously bring into existence. Knowing is the mind, when it ends so do we. But that can't be true. It is too simple and narrow in thought. I feel a connection to something else more powerful than I. What connection do I have with the unknown that tells me to think a certain way? Is life really this deep or is it simple, too simple in fact, so we add more to it than what it is. Perhaps this is just a circle and everything in it remains in it because that is the way it goes. But does the circle ever modify itself or does it just remain a circle. Perhaps it's not a circle at all.

Perhaps it has no boundaries to confine it and neither do we. After all whatever it is that brought us to this point has yet to make its presence known. I wonder why? Are we too fragile of creatures not to be able to understand the true reason for creation or the creator? Will knowing totally blow our minds and drive us insane (just like not knowing). Maybe we already know but don't want to be reminded that this is all a dream without a dreamer. There is nothing special about the soul or the spirit. It is just a fancy name that we as human beings decided to give our internal characteristics to separate us from the other animals and make us feel special. But aren't we special? Dogs and cats don't have the thinking ability to question their existence as we do. Are they blessed in being denied the responsibility of growth? Is it truly the size of our brain that causes us to think about these things or does it lie in the spirit. If all living entities have at least a spirit then perhaps they share these thoughts with us except we allow these thoughts to torment us and interrupt our purpose of just being. Being whatever we want to be and thinking whatever we want to believe as long as it makes us happy. I guess what truly makes us all happy is love no matter if it vanishes after death.

Which brings me back to my initial thought what is love and is its energy powerful enough to last even after death. Or is love something we develop while on this planet. What is its origin? Is everybody even capable of love? Is it something that goes along with having a soul? Does everyone have a soul? These questions continue to bother me, but I would rather have these questions because hopefully they will lead to a rationale of my own that I feel comfortable living and dying with.

What is our role in society if it is not to progress? We are animals that use a greater number of brain cells. Our four legged creatures do not have the capacity to make an intellectual decision required in some cases. We should be accountable for making better judgments, however, it does not mean we are above the needs that all animals have, including the need for survival and selfish pleasures.

We can learn a thing or two from the animal kingdom. Nature is the balancing act. This is called the circle of life and the food chain is part of that circle. We all play a part in that balance. We think that the fact that some animals kill their young is a horrendous act. However, we have not taken into account that it may be the ultimate expression of love for nature's progression to sacrifice part of their bloodline. It is about preserving the best of one's bloodline. Preserving one's bloodline is important to the animal kingdom, including our own. It doesn't make us good or bad to want this for ourselves. (Sidebar: Caucasians are particularly concerned because they are the newest race of people and more susceptible to becoming extinct. This concern won't last. Once they realize that we are all now dependent upon each other's existence. We will become so intermingled as a human race that the creation of the races won't exist. However this will bring on new biases geared toward the social classes).

Let's also supposed that a child was disabled and cannot function without relying on others within the group. It will become a burden to that group. How will a weak species survive in the wilderness? Nothing can protect it forever and it would be too risky to do so. It would be putting the entire group in jeopardy if others took precious time to care for the disabled. So before the infant develops the fear of death, the parent destroys it. This act is compassion for the quality of life for that baby.

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How far is one willing to go to serve a purpose with such strong convictions? Does one wait until he is brink of starving to finally say it's okay to eat meat if it means life or death or does one die believing that they did the right thing by not eating the flesh of this world. For all things we intake have a source of life. What boundaries do we feel comfortable crossing and at what point are we willing to cross it. Vegetation serves a purpose for us. It is its goal to be consumed by us. This world would be over populated in some areas and over used in others if we were all vegetarians. It is about balance. An excessive amount of anything is harmful so eat for survival –purpose not pleasure. Let's not kid ourselves into believing we have improved in areas that we haven't.

We can afford to hold such strong convictions because we have the luxury of choice. What if those choices were removed or stripped, would our convictions be stripped right along with it. Many cultures before us relied heavily on animals for survival and they thanked their means for supporting them both as a form of food and a form of clothing.

When did we elevate to the point that our basic human needs were outweighed by spiritual empowerment. We are getting ahead of ourselves if we believe that we are more spiritual than we actually are. We can survive on bread alone (bread meaning forms of nutrition) but we live by way of spirit. We cannot underestimate the need for both. Any new age religion or ancient practices that preach the extreme of any are perilous to those they influence.

There is nothing that she is more passionate about than expressing her opinion about the bible. It is the way man rationalizes the unknown and justifies injustice. Faith should never lie in the writings of man. The most dangerous aspect of the bible is the prophecies, which allows the religious fanatics and those disagreeable forces to bring events into existence. She says that if we want to understand the bible and its symbolism we must look at what was occurring at that time. We create chaos when we look at the events we believe are describing the end of the world when it is just the end of an era. There are ministers supporting wars because they believe it is part of God's plan. We are going to be responsible for the end of the world not God.

Religion has lies hidden within truths. The truth is what resonates and cannot be denied in any belief system. All those that want to hear it will feel the vibration of truth. Lies are here for those who prefer to live by another code of conduct. These are the people that are living in the lie. But they, too, live their own truth.

"How do you know if you are living in truth?"

You have no regrets. You will enjoy your life, as did I. You will stand up for what you believe in no matter what it is. We have different truths that we live by. I have my own truth that many will disagree with but it served a purpose. I listened to my inner self. Lies served no purpose and listens to nothing. Its only purpose is to control the weak with confusion, manipulation and destruction. People of the lie don't know why they act in this fashion. They do it out of their own confusion. The world would be less complicated if we understood and respected the different roles we play. Everyone wants to be something they are not ( _Reminder: Because what the soul really seeks is change. Change for the good or bad-just change from what it already knows_ ). The good wants to be evil and the evil wants to be good. Men want to be women and women want to be men. Children want to grow up too soon just to turn around and wish to become a child again. Nobody makes sense. We try to make everyone get along with everyone else when that is unrealistic and unnatural. Until the government succeeds in controlling the minds of the masses we will always be individuals and have individual thoughts. These individual thoughts will always seek to separate itself from others (by including oneself with a particular group but excluding itself from another).

Everyone has an ulterior motive, which is to have people think a certain way. The creators of the bible may have had good intentions but it doesn't mean all was true and it should not be received as such. It should begin by stating in order to promote order these are the stories we should live by.

The story of Adam and Eve is simply a way to rationalize the reason behind death. Before the infamous bite of the apple, we were not destined "born" to die. We would have lived forever if they didn't disobey. This defies logic, but if it were told to us in the context that we should obey the laws of the land or there will be consequences then it would be an easier concept to grasp. We will understand that the bible is here to teach us morals. It is told to us in a story form to grab our attention by giving us something we can relate to.

Acts of racism and sexism is also prominent in the bible and can be used to promote supremacy. It is filled with rationalizations to explain virtually every aspect of man including the differences among the races. The reason for Africans hair texture is an absurd rationalization in the earlier Mormon doctrine, which professes that Africans' "horrific" grade of hair is a curse, (impossible for it to be a blessing since it would exclude them in the blessing). They did not understand that we are all amazingly blessed by nature in an effort to allow us to survive within the environment that created us. Kinky hair absorbs more moisture allowing Africans to "cool off" in hot climates.

The bible would be less scrutinized if it suggested that this is an attempt to elevate man by sharing ideas that can give them hope through miracle stories based on actual events that seek to inspire (by controlling) its audience. Unfortunately every religious book professes nothing but truth. When you take a good look at the truth they are expressing, any thinking person should wonder who profits.

According to the institutionalized religions or more traditional religions, you can steal, rape, and even murder, as did many of the prophets and still be allowed into heaven. Whereas no matter what a nonbeliever does or doesn't do, he will be sent to damnation. Therefore, it is not the actions of a person that will send him or her to heaven or hell; it is their thoughts. So is thought (belief) more important than action? That defies logic. Even our own twisted society goes against that theory. And this is a society (America) that believes in the Christian way of life.

# "You don't suggest embracing any religion?"

Sure if it benefits you but the more you read the less you will rely on religion or anybody's thoughts other than your own. What I have learned from reading other books about obtaining your spirituality has ranged from dramatic to the passive. Nothing held definite answers. One implied that the only way to become fully spiritual was to return to Godhead by refusing sex. This will end the torture of the physical and will rise to a spiritual way of being. This takes a conscious collective effort. One must be focused in order to sustain from our survival instincts, including sex. Others believe that all we need to do is focus on the misuse (not overuse) of words love, consideration, trust and understanding. It is the pressure of living in this physical plane that brings about hatred, jealousy, and anger.

There are some that say to simply accept what is. We are what we are and there is no good or bad. Each of these philosophies seems to be missing something.

All of my thoughts are a result of learned behavior and experiences embedded in me through continuous contact and influences of others as opposed to prior knowledge.

When reading other people's philosophies, it is important to keep in mind what they did not mention just as much as what they are mentioning. You have to formulate your own belief system even if that means creating your own if nothing else makes sense to you. If it leads to progression (destruction can be a means to progression) then it is beneficial.

Right now we are not certain about where technology is leading us. It appears to lead us towards progression, but there must be a level of control for all concerned. Technology makes the impossible now possible, but beware. When it reaches a point to where mortality is a thing of the past, its subjects will long for what makes life precious- death.

Achieving the goal of immortality comes with consequences. Instead of taking care of the human body by avoiding premature aging people will rather take drastic alternative methods. ( _Sidebar_ : _If we could let go of past hurt and pain, which is literally clogging our bodies and using up vital space, we would have the energy to regenerate our cells. As we age the more baggage we carry and the more cells we use to carry this baggage. So the space normally preserved for regenerating our cells are all used up_ _)._

Cloning and freezing techniques are the alternatives to accomplishing this objective. It is a form of immortality where an exact replica of your DNA can live forever or in the case of actually freezing your body, the container remains the same. This is when we will see whether if science holds all the answers to what make a person. If it could all be explained through a person's physical makeup this will prove it. If it is a person's environment as well this should prove it. But if all factors are the same and the person is still unique then there is something that science isn't taking into account.

There will also be an end to disease in the near future. Between science and nature we already have the cure. I am not sure if having the cure is necessarily a good thing, however. Perhaps God isn't sure either. All consequences should be explored. We already have the cells that produce disease but there is something that we do to ignite these once dormant cells. Science knows how to prevent these diseases but it better serves the elite not to share this with everyone. Overpopulation is a serious concern but who determines what life is not worth living.

We are all cloned spirits anyway. That is why we meet people that remind of so much of other people in our lives. They have identical spirits that dictate other aspects such as physical traits and personalities that are very similar. Science has learned to simulate and display what already exists in the spiritual realm (immortality). It can finally express what it knows discovered about the possibilities that exists through quantum physics and can reach unexplainable physical heights all in the name of science instead of God. However, according to the believers God allows this and even mentions we will all be brought back to life. It simply isn't the way they envisioned. It is going to happen through science. Everyone that can afford it will have replaceable body parts. Their organs will be cloned and life will not have a fatal end.

Contrary to popular belief science and the spirit works hand and hand. There is even a science to the soul. The science is that everything that exists seeks to exist so it must abide by rules (laws of nature). Nature says that in order to exist you need energy. The soul is the (raw data) first stage of a transforming spirit. As that energy begins to attach itself to the physical it becomes a soul-the living spirit. All this is done in compliance with science, the part of nature that we can comprehend. We are slowly yet ever changing creatures that continue to adapt to our environment.

What people don't understand is that nature is a work in progress. It is leading towards perfection but it has not yet reached its goal. We are still in the process of evolving to a state of perfection. We can help nature along by taking action. Our efforts should be geared towards evolving in all aspects. Geniuses and psychics should not be looked upon as an anomaly. It should show the rest of us how far behind we are. We are not living up to our human potential and that is why the possible seem impossible. We are the dinosaurs of the past and we will be whatever exists in the future. If we think big we will become bigger in every way.

If this is accomplished, humans of today may be considered a thing of the past. The same holds true if we began to regress and become more dependent on the physical elements of this earth. Our appearance will change. If we evolve, likewise, our appearance will also. We will gain needed anatomy to coincide with the changes in our environment or loose anatomy no longer needed. Women, for example, may no longer need much of their reproductive system because babies can be "manufactured." We look at it as a blessing or a curse; either way we will get used to it.

Who knows once we master the mind death can be conquered. If you buy into the idea that death is simply a choice or an idea that we all fall victim to then you could change your destiny. As expressed before we have the resources to get us to where we need to be. What distract us are too many choices. Innovation doesn't automatically equate to good. We have enough theories and ideas floating around. Who needs a new one, we simply need to improve what already exists.

Entangled in emotions are we

Never free

From thoughts are we formed

Never born

Into a world of unoccupied space

We can erase

Preconceived ideas that are shared

And given to us since birth

Do we search

For our individual voice

Not a choice

##### Or even a thought in one's mind

Can we find

An undeniable sign

To let us know

If this isn't real

We must go

And seek truth for one's sake

Lies we can no longer take

Our fellow souls are lost

In the cross

Hanging in the sky

with the moon and the star

And neither can tell us who we are...

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