♪ I'm vlogging ♪
♪ It's boring ♪
♪ I'm colleen ♪
(cat meowing)
- Put the cat down.
Hello, everybody happy Monday.
Well, for me it's Monday.
You won't see this on Monday.
We are still in Santa Barbara,
and my camera's not focusing.
Hello, hello?
(Flynn babbling)
Can you focus?
(chimes ringing)
Hi.
So (laughing) we're
still in Santa Barbara.
Hi, Flynn.
You givin' daddy cuddles?
- We're looking at bok boks.
- Oh.
(Flynn murmuring)
You lookin' at the bok boks?
We're gonna go to the beach pretty soon.
- [Flynn] Mama.
- You wanna go to the beach?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
So we're gonna go to
the beach pretty soon,
which will be fun.
And just so you can play in the sand.
Huh, buddy?
♪ Go to the beach ♪
♪ Go to the beach ♪
♪ Go to the beach hey hey hey hey ♪
♪ Go to the beach ♪
♪ Go to the beach ♪
♪ Go to the beach hey hey hey hey ♪
(Flynn murmuring)
- You wanna go outside?
- Yeah.
- Okay, say please.
- Ba.
- Good boy.
Careful, careful, careful.
- Careful.
Hold my hand.
- Down.
- Down.
- Yeah, what's this?
Is this your sandbox?
(Flynn murmuring)
Yeah, you're gonna have so
much fun at the beach, buddy.
Good job.
There's a swing in my front
yard that my dad put up
when we were little.
It's had many different versions.
It was a tire swing type thing for awhile,
but Flynn and I are
gonna play on the swing.
(Flynn giggling)
Are you excited?
Weeeeee.
Oooo, weeeee.
(fun upbeat music)
(laughing)
Is that fun?
Weeee.
(fun upbeat music)
Weeeee.
- Bi dudu.
- A big dump truck.
(Flynn murmuring)
That is a big dump truck.
Daddy found a little tent.
Go go go.
(fun upbeat music)
(Flynn murmuring excitedly)
So we're in my childhood bedroom,
which is now the guest bedroom.
I shared this room with my sister.
We had bunk beds over here.
I was on the top bunk and my walls
were plastered with cat pictures.
But I just wanna show you how
talented I was as an artist.
I was in a couple of
clay, what do you call it?
Classes?
What's it called when you mold clay?
- Pottery class?
- Ceramics class,
ceramics class.
So I took a couple ceramics classes,
and guys, I don't know why I didn't
(chimes ringing)
pursue a future
(Erik laughing)
in pottery and ceramics
when this is the type of
figurine that I did as a kid.
I like that the baby...
Oh my God, looks like I'm
holding a severed toe.
(shocking music)
I love it.
I like that the shirt
goes up onto my face.
Like the paint from the shirt.
- [Erik] I thought it was a beard.
- Maybe it is.
- [Erik] Is there a year on the bottom?
- No, it just says CB.
I'm sure I was like 12.
- Most people just made ashtrays, though.
So that's pretty advanced.
- What 12-year-old is making an ashtray?
- Me.
- Did you make ashtrays?
- [Erik] For sure, yeah.
- Well I made red-headed women
holding baby-
- Toes.
- Babies that resemble the
large toe of an adult human.
We finally made it to the beach,
but it's very windy.
So our tent is a little beach tent,
which fun story, fun fact
about this little beach tent.
This is, in fact, been all over the world,
because this is one of the props
I used in my Summer Camp Tour.
And when we were getting
rid of those props
when that Summer Camp Tour was over,
there was a bunch of
tents on stage like this,
that I would keep the props in.
My dad saw these tents.
And he's like, "Oh, are
you getting rid of those?"
I was like, "Yeah."
He's like, "I'll do it for ya."
And a lotta times my dad will say
he'll help me donate stuff
at my house, whatever,
and then it just ends up in his garage.
So that was years ago, this tour,
and today we said we're
going to the beach.
He's like, "Oh, I have tents."
And they happened to be the
props from my Summer Camp Tour.
This toured the world of me,
and now I'm at the
beach with my son in it.
Flynn, how's the sand?
(Flynn murmuring)
Yeah, you playin' with the sand?
Pretty fun, huh?
(gentle string music)
- Whoa.
- Want me to put this in?
(Flynn babbling excitedly)
- Yeah, did you put it on your toes?
It's so nice.
There's like literally no one here.
Like the beach is completely empty.
It's so nice to be
outside in the fresh air.
You can't go anywhere in LA
and not have a million
people everywhere around you.
So to be able to be outside
and not be worried about coronavirus
is really, really nice.
I'm really happy right now.
(Flynn murmuring)
Yeah, you got sand on your feet?
(gentle peaceful music)
Good job.
(Flynn squealing)
Yeah.
(gentle relaxing guitar music)
- Now what you gonna do?
(gentle relaxing guitar music)
Wanna try?
Whoa.
Whoa, what do you think of that?
Is that fun?
Whoa, muddy toes!
(Colleen laughing)
(whimsical music)
Yeah, it's dirty, huh?
You got dirty on your...
Yeah, okay.
I think he's trying to get the sand off.
He doesn't understand that
it doesn't matter how many
times he hits it away,
it's still gonna be there.
(whimsical music)
- [Erik] Oh no.
- [Colleen] Uh-oh.
(Flynn babbling)
It's messy huh?
- Oh no.
What is this sand unibrow?
Do you see it?
Flynn, look at mama.
- Hi baby.
(laughing)
- Do you see it?
- Yeah.
(whimsical music)
- He's just throwing sand
and the wind is going directly at me.
(laughing)
I'm covered in sand now.
Flynn, it doesn't matter
how much you do that,
it's not gonna go away.
(laughing)
He's trying to get the sand away.
(whimsical music)
Here it comes.
(gasping)
A sand castle.
Whoa, fun.
(laughing)
Whoa.
- Whoa.
- That's fun, huh?
(whimsical music)
Wow.
- Wow.
(Flynn babbling)
(laughing)
- [Erik] Flynn, do you want a doo doo?
- Yeah.
- Yeah, okay.
- (babbling) Doo doo.
- [Erik] Oh, the doo doo.
- Doo doo.
- Here you go.
Doo doo.
- Say please.
- Ba.
- [Erik] Good job.
Now this one, Flynn,
I need you to go give this one to mommy.
Can you go give this to mama?
Go give it to mama.
Go give it to mama, go.
Go give it to mama.
(gentle music)
(Colleen gasping)
- What you got?
Can I have it?
Can I have it?
(laughing)
- [Erik] Well, you failed the test buddy.
- I'm home, come here please little Daisy.
My little Daisy's right here,
and she is very needy because I was gone
for two whole days and one whole night.
And she is my little muffin
and she's obsessed with me.
She literally follows me
around everywhere I go.
When I'm home has to be on my lap,
has to be near me at all
times, in the same room as me,
which is exactly what I wanted
when I got cats as an adult.
That's my dream cat.
So I love that she's like that,
but now she's so, so sad if
I ever am not with her 24/7,
and it just makes her super needy.
So anyway, we're just
hangin' out in my office.
Come here.
I'll pet you, come here.
(tongue clicking)
Flynn hears me do that.
He'll go (kissing)
and I wiggle my fingers and she comes,
as you can see.
Well, that's her anus.
Whenever (laughing)
I wiggle my fingers like
that and go (kissing)
come on Daisy, come on, she comes.
So Flynn has learned from watching me,
he goes, "Dee dee dee dee,"
'cause he has a little lisp.
So he says, "Dee dee dee dee."
Daisy (laughing).
And he goes like this with his fingers.
He goes, "Dee dee dee dee dee dee."
And it's so cute.
I have to try to catch it on
camera for you guys sometime,
'cause it's so cute.
'Cause he learned from me
going (tongue clicking)
come here baby.
Anyway, that's not
interesting information,
but I just told it to you.
Santa Barbara was so glorious
and wonderful and magical.
I had such a good time.
I didn't film too much
today while I was there
because I was just enjoying
my time with my family.
Sorry, Daisy is just really wanting to
rub herself on you guys.
I hope you don't mind.
Daisy, come here.
So I'm really sad that
I'm back here at my house,
but I'm really happy and grateful
for the time that I got to spend there.
I turned around because I thought it was
gonna be better lighting and
it's not better lighting,
but whatever.
So some of you guys have been asking me
to give you an update on my OCD,
skin picking, dermatillomania.
So I'm gonna talk about that for a second,
'cause I haven't given you
guys an update on it in awhile.
So if that interests you, hello.
If it doesn't, you don't
have to watch anymore,
'cause that's all I'm gonna talk about
in this video from here on out.
I'm just gonna give you
a quick little update.
I have been in therapy for it.
My therapist is wonderful.
She specializes in OCD,
anxiety, and dermatillomania,
which is the skin picking
disorder that I have,
and trichotillomania, which
is a hair pulling disorder.
She specializes in all these things.
She's lovely.
And we've been working really hard on it,
but unfortunately the
skin picking disorder
is not something that gets fixed easily.
It takes a really long time sometimes.
And for me, right now,
it's taking longer than I wish it would,
but it's just kind of how this goes.
It's something I've been doing
for as long as I can remember.
The first time I can remember
doing it I think I was 15,
but I'm sure I was doing it before then.
It's most of my life I've been doing it.
So it's only gotten really bad
since I gave birth and went
through postpartum and stuff.
It was always manageable prior to that.
And it was just like I'd rip
at skin and it would bleed,
but I wouldn't think much of it.
And then now it's like
literally ripping off chunks of my skin,
and it's really painful, gross,
embarrassing, shameful.
It's awful.
I don't wanna do it anymore,
which is why I'm in therapy.
I just wanted to give you guys an update.
I'm learning tools and
tricks and things to do
when I'm dealing with anxiety.
My brain, kind of how it works,
is it's all over the place
like this all the time.
And I'm thinking of a
million things all at once.
And that's a big reason why
I haven't been able to focus
ever on watching a movie,
or listening to podcasts
is really hard for me.
School was really hard for me.
Church, growing up I went
to church, and that was,
it was impossible for me to
pay attention to the pastor.
My brain just doesn't focus that way.
Even in conversations with people
in the middle of a sentence,
my brain won't be
listening to them anymore.
I'll be thinking of a million things,
and I'll even catch myself and go like,
oh, I'm not listening
to them talk anymore.
And I'll continue to start,
my brain will just be wandering.
And it's not just wandering
like why is the sky blue?
It's like, I'm thinking of
a million things I can do
to be productive throughout the day
and how I can intertwine all those things
and make all those things happen.
Like this is what my brain
looks like all the time.
It's just like blablablabla.
We're working on
mindfulness and meditation,
which has been really hard for me.
It makes me really anxious
and makes me feel stressed,
really uncomfortable.
I really hate it.
So we're working on that because
I need to be able to focus,
and I need to become mindful
in order to help myself fix this,
because right now I'm not
aware of when I start doing it,
like when I start ripping at my skin.
Sorry, this is really gross
and probably boring to most people
who don't struggle with this,
which is the majority of humans.
I hope no one's watching right now
that this would bore to
death and be confusing to.
But I'm not aware when I start doing it.
So when I start ripping at my skin,
I don't notice that I'm
doing it until it's too late.
'Cause once I start doing
it, nothing can stop me it,
how it is right now.
That's how it feels right now.
I know that I will get to a
point where I can stop myself,
but right now it feels impossible.
It feels like nothing
anyone could say or do
or anything I could say or do
could make me stop ripping at my skin.
I have to finish it.
I have to keep doing it.
So the goal is to get me to a point
where I'm mindful enough
and I can focus enough
and I can relax enough (laughing)
to be aware of myself and
when I start doing it.
So that way we can be like,
what was I thinking
when I started doing it?
Where was I?
What was I doing?
Why do I think I started doing it?
And that way we can get to a point
where we can replace the
action with something else,
and replace the thoughts
with other thoughts.
That was a lot of
information, probably TMI,
but that's where we're at.
And it takes a long time.
It takes a really, really long time
to help someone with this disorder.
That's what I've learned.
And it's really frustrating.
And I get really disappointed in myself
because there are days where
I think I'm doing better,
and I think I'm not gonna do it at all.
And I'm like, oh yay, I'm doing better,
therapy's working, and I'm doing great.
And then I'll just destroy
that and mess it up again.
So it's very disappointing.
(sighing)
Oh I don't want to cry about this.
Ew, I'm so annoying, I'm sorry.
It's really frustrating.
And I get really disappointed in myself
'cause I just wanna not do it anymore.
That's where I'm at.
And that's kinda why I
haven't talked about it,
because it's frustrating (laughing).
This is a long process.
And we talked about that
in my last therapy session,
like how this is gonna take
a while, and that's okay.
And to be proud of myself.
Anytime I don't do it to
really be proud of myself
and not focus on when
I start to do it again
and just focus on anything
that has improved.
That's the tea.
I love you guys.
And I'll try to keep you updated
if anything significant happens.
But I've seen people be like,
why haven't you been
talkin' about this in your?
Where are you on your journey with this?
And I haven't talked about it
because I'm frustrated that
it hasn't gotten better yet.
And I'm disappointed,
and I don't want you
guys to be disappointed.
And my therapist is incredible.
She's really, really good.
It's just something
that's gonna take a while,
because it's something I've been doing
for the majority of my life.
Yeah, I'm sorry if you
think that that is TMI
or I shouldn't be talking about this,
but also I'm not sorry at all,
because I do feel like things
like this should be normalized
and talked about because
that's one of the few things
that has made me feel less alone,
less weird, less stupid, or whatever,
when I'm having a really bad OCD night,
is knowing that other people
are going through the same thing.
That is the only thing that has helped me.
So far it's just knowing there's
other people out there that are like me.
So that's why I wanna talk about it.
And sorry if you think I
shouldn't talk about it
or it's TMI or whatever,
like I don't care because
people need to be talking about all of it.
That's how I feel, boo.
So I'm gonna cuddle my kitty
and I'm gonna go to bed,
but I love you guys,
and I'll see see you tomorrow.
Goodbye.
(upbeat music)
