Are you guys ready?
Are you guys excited?
Right you guys let me start
Coming to the stage you guys
The 2019 Best Comedy Film Feature winner at
the Austin Film Festival you guys
She's sold out multiple shows all over New York City
She is affectionately known as the Funny Brown Mom
And this is huge
She's the first Indian immigrant mother of three
to headline Caroline's everybody
Zarna Garg!
[applause]
Namaste Caroline's!
Namaste!
Namaste
Or as you say in New York
Shalom
I'm not your typical Indian woman
let's face it
This bindi is a PR thing
I've never even been to Queens
I am an immigrant though
I am an immigrant
and like all immigrants I came to America
with nine dollars in my pocket
10,000 in the bank but nine in the pocket
I miss my family back home very much
my food my culture
not enough to want to go back
But I'm very generous with the Facebook likes
and it's not like I forgot about them
I keep in touch
My cousin just had a baby
I sent a gift
3,000 rupees for a baby blanket
I could've bought myself a bagel
with cream cheese
so Indians love to talk about
how much they miss home
but the one thing America does better
is everything
And I get
They have a lot of questions
They ask me
"What's America like?"
I live in New York
I don't know
I get asked
"Have you seen a cowboy?"
Yes!
He's naked!
and lives in Times Square
I get asked
"Have you been to Disneyland?"
I've been to Chuck E Cheese
So my name is Zarna
that's not a real name
my parents messed up
they misspelled it
it would be as if I got up here and said
my name is Melizabeth
because you see
"Jharna" with a J
means "waterfall" in Hindi
"Zarna" with a Z
is "she's the youngest let the servants name her"
[Audience: Aww]
"Aww"
Don't feel bad
I had servants
Plural
you see
naming a baby is just
not a big deal in India
and neither is the baby
No one in India says
"Come see the baby!"
What's to see
unless it's missing a foot?
And we've seen babies
millions of them
They all look Chinese
But this is why I love America
Here they embrace me with my misspelled name
Here they say
"You go girl"
"You rock that Z"
"You be Zarna!"
See in America you not defined by
anything your parents do
You're defined by how much money you have
so I've been married for 21 years
Thank you
To a really nice Indian man
We're the perfect Indian couple
We do math for fun
we take romantic walks in the park
and discuss interest rates
the last time we refinanced
I got pregnant with my third
and you know I've never said "I love you"
to my husband
oh
It's only been 21 years
what's the rush?
but if he said it to me
I'd know he's cheating on me
with a white woman
Where else would he get this nonsense?
We've also never had a candlelight dinner
[Audience: Aww]
Thank you
The things that make people sad
We came to America
for the electricity
he does get me flowers though
every year on Febuary 15
We celebrate all white people holidays
the day after
I mean, who doesn't like half price?
So I do love my husband though
to be clear
I do love him
I mean, I don't say it, I show it
I check his emails for him
I make him drink metamucil
I replace all his loser friends
with my fine friends
And he is a smart brilliant guy
successful
went to a great college
comes from a cultured, prestigious family
I know this
because his mother reminds me
everyday
they they come from a state in India
called Uttar Pradesh
which is the Mississippi of India
people often ask me
what my husband thinks about my new career
and I tell them
he loves it
he wants me to get famous and get on TV
so he can finally press the mute button on me
and I was going to make a sex tape
it is the fastest way to get famous
But then I remembered
oh I have three kids
I'm not doing that again
So we do have three kids
Two sons
Double jackpot
and a daughter
whatever about her
My kids, though, our kids
Well "mine" "ours"
Our kids are the perfect Indian kids
at least that's what the nanny tells us
you know, we don't use the word nanny at home, though
We call her Auntie
This way she can sit in for us
at parent-teacher conferences
at doctor appointments
at the kids' weddings
Even the kids are a little confused
They're like
"She's Chinese and paid by the hour?"
but I explain to them
she's Filipino
I'm really scared of my nanny though
She knows all my secrets
whose calls I ignore
the lies I tell my mother-in-law
where I hide my snacks
If she asked me for a raise
I have to give it to her
I mean she may as well have a
photo of me with Stormy Daniels
so my 16-year-old daughter
recently asked me
if Indian people even love each other
you know, culturally
she doesn't see us hold hands
or kissing
"Do you even *you know*?"
*you know*
So I told her, I said
"Well, you're here
and why do you think we
pay for so many tennis lessons?
and Indian people only wrote
the ultimate book on sex
to which she responded
"We wrote 'Fifty Shades of Grey'?"
my 14 year old son recently started
walking to school with a girl
naturally
I follow them
and my husband has been so impressed
he's like
"He's walking to school with a white blond girl
and you don't have a problem with that"
I told him there's nothing to
worry about
it's not like she's gonna get into a great high school
Ooh...
What? I can't make fun of the only thing
Indian people do well?
We take tests baby!
Why do you think
the Jewish kids sit next to our kids?
I'm kidding. Everyone sits next to the Korean kids
I also have an eight-year-old son
I forget about him sometimes
[audience: Aww]
Yeah, "aww", yeah
The neighbors remind me though
I have good neighbors
They remind me
I tell my husband
"Who let him out?"
anyway I don't know what to say about him
I don't really know him
so I'm not your typical Indian mother
my kids don't want to be doctors
and I don't care
go be a YouTuber
Be an organic farmer
Farming table
UPS is always hiring philosophers
start practicing now
what can brown do for you?
but Brown kids in America
complain a lot
they complain so much
"I grew up in a white neighborhood"
Greenwich.
"I didn't belong"
"she was mean to me"
You know where I grew up?
in India
with Indian people
I wish I had white bullies
I had scary Indian aunties
I see the PTSD there
"Come here, come here"
"Come here betaaaa"
pinching cheeks until the blood clots
"Who is fat?"
"And 16?"
"And single today?"
"Happy birthday!"
"Don't cry!"
"Some boys like a double chin!"
I'm still scared of my auntie
I like everything on her Facebook page
And when I complained to my mom about her
I got yelled at!
She said, "Don't complain about auntie!"
"At least she remembers your birthday"
"Fatty"
so any parents in the room?
Isn't parenting just magical?
all your money just disappears
and it comes back
as sneakers and math tutors
and you know
I'm a little frustrated
with the modern open-minded parents
What's up with telling your kids
"Don't worry about your grades
be happy"
"Don't worry about a job,
you be happy"
Don't worry be happy
would never be an Indian song
Our song would be
Don't happy
Be worried
And there's lots to worry about
last year 6 out of 8 spelling bee champions
were Indian
our community
was devastated
we immediately think
"Racism!"
"Look what white people did to us!"
"75%!"
"That's a C!"
For cachra!
You want to hear it in a sentence?
You are going to community college!
Your life is cachra!
so any single people in the room?
[audience: indistinct calls]
All the aunties making the noise
Listen, I feel you
I wouldn't admit it in this room either
but I am a matchmaker
I'm trying to help you out here
I am a matchmaker
So when the show ends
Remember this:
Doctors and lawyers to the front of the room
The engineers on standby by the wall
and the artists better leave
before I get off this stage
Who am I kidding?
The artists are not in this room
they can't afford the two drink minimum
so American people work so hard
to get to know other cultures
like as an immigrant
I would like to say
Please don't.
I came to America
to be American
don't offer me chai tea
I came here
so I could order from a list
of nine lukewarm coffee drinks
that all taste the same
don't tell me about yoga
I know what downward dog is, Becky!
don't invite me to meditate
the Indians who like to meditate
are still in India
meditating
and what do you think would happen
if you went to India
you think someone's gonna bend over backwards
to give you a toilet seat
no
You're in India
squat like the rest of us
so I dreamt of coming to America
just like Eddie Murphy
everything looked so much more fun in America
people frolicking in hot tubs
jacuzzis
bubble baths
*blows bubbles*
in India
you get water
in a bucket
feel free to share that
but America has buckets too
but they're filled with fried chicken
a shower in America doesn't stop
until
you stop it
People fill bathtubs
with gallons of drinkable water
and just sit in it
because they're sad
did I mention in India, one bucket?
here they just lay there floating
surrounded by their candles
and rose petals
eating their chicken
from a bucket
Isn't that the American dream?
so I live in New York City now
and
people are always rushing rushing
rushing rushing rushing
to get to yoga class
if you're rushing to get to yoga class
you're doing it wrong
trust me
we invented that shit
and you know yoga used to be
like a simple relaxed exercise
you stretch and sit still for free
now it's a competition
who looks better in $200 pants
with holes in them
but I get asked all the time
about hot yoga
"Oh my god!"
"Do Indian people do hot yoga in India?"
"I just love the sweat!"
"The sweat! The sweat!"
"I just love hot sweaty yoga!"
it is hot in India
and people do a lot of yoga
but we don't roll the furnace into a room
and blow it on our bodies
that is not hot yoga
that is white yoga
so I'm Hindu you guys
I'm a reasonable moderate Hindu
it's just not my fault
it's the best religion
But the other religions seem so angry and organized
Christianity:
confess before you die or else
Islam:
here's your list of things to do
before you can get the virgins
Judaism:
you took an elevator on a Friday night?
No Shalom for you!
The Hindus are like
"Eh."
"Do the best you can."
"There's too many of you
this is why we have reincarnation"
"Carpe diem
or not"
So I won a major screenwriting competition
There were 11,000 entries
I won first place
People said
"Ooh
so much competition"
I was like
"Eh."
I'm Indian.
There's a billion of us
11,000
is like a tiny wedding
but you guys want to know
what the screenplay is about?
even if you didn't, I would have told you
But it's about arranged marriages
poverty
sexism
death
you know, your usual romantic comedy
there's even a story about child brides
it's something for the kids
so the guy who finished second place
was really upset
(he's a guy)
I told him I said
"it's not your fault
I'm Hindu
I had 19,000 gods rooting for me
you had one
and he knows
you don't call your mother back
What can I tell you?
Karma's a bitch!
but speaking of bitches
my mother-in-law
Yeah.
she lives in India
but she comes to America
for three months at a time
Yeah thank you for feeling that
you know
I get it
It's like she has her own season
"Winter is coming"
and I get it
Like India is far
the ticket is expensive
she's gotta get her money's worth
out of torturing me like *mmgh*!
So when she's coming she'll ask me
"What can I bring for you?"
and I'll tell her
Pack a gun
Bring some cocaine
Throw some mangos in the bag
I give her all these ideas
and yet she breezes past security
I swear she could be smoking a hookah
her shoes could be on fire
they're going to let her in
and when she's leaving
I try to make it easy for her
I'll give her great ideas
and she doesn't speak much English
I try to make it easy for her
I'll say
"check yes on every immigration question"
just check yes
"Did you have a good time in America?"
"Yes"
"Are you a terrorist?"
"Yes"
"Were you planning to kill somebody"
"Yes"
Do you think that she's on a criminal watchlist?
Oh no. No.
She gets a wheelchair and a priority pass
the agent at the gate says
"Thank you for coming"
"Come again"
No come again!
I'm an American citizen now
Put her in a cage
Build a wall around her
that's my American dream
before I get off
I want to say one thing
that I haven't said to my husband
or to anybody
I love you
I love you guys for you laughter
I love you guys for coming here
and mostly
I love you guys
for meeting the two-drink minimums
Zarna Garg
everybody let her hear it one more time
Come back here
Zarna come back
Get back here
Enjoy this moment
Big round of applause
for Regina DeCicco
of 'The View'
How amazing is she?
You did it
Zarna Garg, everybody!
Everybody get home safe
Ladies and gentlemen
Thank you very much
for coming out to Caroline's on Broadway
Let's hear it for Zarna Garg one more time
