If you think that gender
is never a question for you
took your doctor's word
that you are M or F only,
pronounced at birth
delivered, signed, sealed forever
excepting that for every mood and moment
you can only ever be binary,
nothing in between
no room to shift.
Never seeing the walls
built so long ago
they've always looked like the horizon.
I had my coming out
and full-on realisation
on August 22nd
last year.
At twenty-two
I'm pubescent again.
I can do foundation,
I can do lipstick
I, I still like girls.
I'm a lesbian.
I can do mascara.
Anything like involving
eyeshadow or especially eyeliner
I might as well
just rub cigarette ash into my face.
Well I'm getting PMS now.
I wouldn't have happened without the net.
I'd be dead from bullying
or boredom
or worse.
Facebook has been going off
for the last 24 hours.
Duck tape my boobs together.
I do, I do like kind of throwing it
in some people's face
especially when they can't handle it.
I do have the mind of a girl
at this point,
it's like your brain is,
is the first thing to change
on estrogen.
I knew when I decided to be trans,
I was going to do it on the Island.
And It was going to be great
cause everyone here has known me
my entire life and
no one was going to bash me.
A lot of people have been really accepting,
really cool,
really curious,
cause this isn't just my transition.
It's actually everyone who knows me
has their own part to play.
I didn't expect anyone to just
instantly change and switch
and be perfect
the second I told them.
Cause everyone's seen me grow up
they've known me my entire life
Their idea and their perception
and their mental image of me
is set in stone
and it is so hard to
change that image
and say "no, I'm not that boy you've
bloody bounced on your knee
when I was a couple of months/years old or
MAKEUP ARTIST      Close.
changed my nappy or whatever.
I'm, I'm a a girl.
When puberty started
and high school started
sexual tensions, sexuality
all that stuff kicked in
and I'd say there was something
very not right
with the way my life was
starting to go.
Wanna me to do the suck in my lips thing?
I changed my name from Alex to Xander
I knew about 50 different Alexs'
and I turned my head all the time
cause I was hearing my name,
and it was never referring to me.
In most transgender cases
the person knew that they
were the wrong gender
from a very young age
about 4 or 5 they knew.
I'm not one of those
knew they were a woman
trapped inside a man
since they were a kid types.
I do miss Alex the boy that I knew and loved as a kid.
It all started to change when he got to highschool
started getting bullied and picked on.
I hated that school
Idiots giving me crap
for having a conscience
for being different.
Trying to be a man.
What bullshit.
So I failed male
smoked more weed
stayed inside
stopped caring
or bothering about anything.
When I started going to university
started to meet some really cool people.
I think that's kind of when it sort of clicked.
Ah, alright I actually
don't like being a guy.
I don't like portraying myself as masculine
I don't like the expectations put on me
for being a boy or a man.
I was never really a girly boy.
I was emotional
and I wasn't sporty or masculine.
In all the years of us growing up together
he never had any of those feminine tendencies.
The proof of the pudding
will be in how he, she (laughs), sorry Xandra,
gets beyond just this surface form
and finds what she has to give.
My childhood and teenage years
might have actually been a lot more
outwardly feminine
if I wasn't so much into my nerd world
and my War Hammer
and my video games
which I just, I totally sank
and immersed myself into
to the exclusion of reality really
because reality was too hard
it was too abrasive
it was too hurtful.
Because she's got a clinical background
and she's a psychologist
she sort of looks at him
and sees all these clinical problems
like anxiety, she has all these labels
and freaks out
and goes oh my God
he's so dysfunctional
and so she kind of over compensates
and mothers him.
The depression's gone
the social anxiety's gone
the social dysphoria all the rest of it.
I'm pretty out there
and much more extroverted
than I was before.
before I was a very introverted little boy.
The shrinks all stuck with Mum.
Expected me to cross-dress for a year
before prescribing estrogen.
Like I couldn't get it on-line.
It's changed the family dynamic.
I was under the impression that Alex
was possibly going through
some sort of escapism
and just not really dealing with life
and felt that he needed to work
on life skills and independence
and that would improve his mood.
Ah but I don't understand now
that I've swapped over to Xandra
you've gone back to calling me Alex
which I hated.
That word brings me back to
my dark period of my life.
Maybe that's an expression of my...
I don't care!  I hate it!                (Edwina) ...my flexibility
It's a slap in my face!
13 months since I came out - to the day
Today is 13 months. (Edwina) I think Alex is actually being a little bit punishing
You want me to be happier.
Stop calling me Alex 'cause I hate it.
A lot of this transition
may be coming from a
deep unrest about himself
and really not liking who he was
and thinking well how can I turn into a new person.
You kinda take some pills
and you can turn into a new person
without really putting in a huge
amount of blood and sweat.
Some of the side-effects
(overlapping)...allergy, rash, swelling of the face, lips, mouth, throat, shortness of breath...
...wheezing, changes in body weight, depression, anxiety, changes in libido...,
..premenstrual like syndrome, mood swings, bloating, breast swelling, tenderness...
...breast pain, indigestion, nausea, vomiting, stomach pain, increased appetite, eating disorders...
...partial or complete loss of vision, intolerance to contact lenses...
...irregular, heart beat, swelling of the hands, ankles and feet...
...visual disturbances, such as muscle cramps, cysts...
..headaches migraines, dizziness...
…bulging eyes, double vision...
...tumours, blood clotting and stroke.
I'd rather be a transgirl
and risk all the tumours and discrimination
than plummet back
into that old deep anxious darkness.
I still like girls
so ahh what's the point
of getting rid of my penis?
It might come in handy some day (laugh)
How do you feel when you
look at yourself in the mirror
when you're naked?
I love the little guy
sure he's a dickhead sometimes
but me and the little prick
have been through a lot together.
It would be a shame to just discard him.
(laughter)
So you have sort of personified your penis?
No. Maybe he's, maybe you know when I was
“a woman trapped in a man's body"
ah you know it was in my head
but now I'm –
now there's a little man trapped in a woman's body...(laughter)
..and he's down there and he's going
“hey don't forget about me”
No ah I don't think I've personified him,
I haven't named him or anything like that, but um...
Maybe that could be Alex? (laughs)
No I am not referring to my penis as Alex.
(laughter) No.
Well, I'm strong
happy now...
and you can't stop me
from my weird contentment.
My joy will triumph.
My trans-girl mind is open
to love more everyday...
what's in my blouse.
Alright! Ahh let's go get the party (clap) started!
