

# How to Be You

by A.K. Finn

Copyright A.K. Finn 2019

www.akfinn.org

Smashwords Edition

# Click here for more titles by A.K. Finn

# Who Should You Be? (The Core of All Identity Issues)

My identity crisis began at 14.

I'll try to describe it exactly as I would have at the time.

Before 14, there had been a few years of wonderful progress and growth; I'd moved to a new place with my family, made some really good friends, and fully immersed myself in martial arts.

During those good years, every possibility for the future had seemed to naturally weave itself in amongst this big, overarching plan for where I thought my life was going.

Then I turned 14.

Everything inside suddenly felt wrong.

Each part of "being myself" was now its own impossible-to-solve puzzle.

Nothing flowed or connected anymore.

With martial arts, for example, I could still go through the physical motions; but it was like the spirit or essence of it was somehow missing.

My fight became to either reclaim the hope, innocence, and abilities I'd lost, or to discover something new.

The following pattern emerged to keep me trapped for at least the next decade (or 2)...

First, I'd see a good quality in someone—something I believed I could embody in a cool way.

I'd turn that quality into a blueprint to model my life after.

I'd get so excited as the blueprint consumed my thoughts, words, and schedule.

But then something would start to feel a little off.

Beginning as an unconscious weariness like always having to flex a muscle, the good quality at the base of my new identity began to lose its luster.

By that point, though, I'd already be speeding headlong toward the next compelling quality.

Every quality represented its own potential life for me to throw myself into.

Yet unlike before, when I'd watched qualities combine on their own to enhance my long term goals, I now did my best to ignore the reality of each prospect fading and crumbling beneath an all-consuming lack, void, or disconnect.

I remember frequenting literal mountaintops to make theatrical displays of abandoning old ways and embracing the new . . . then the even newer . . . then...

It's stunning to look back and consider how I was so totally convinced each time that whichever quality I was focused on would finally be the one to stick—the "who" I was really meant to be.

What I didn't see was that having "Who am I?" or "Who should I be?" as the focus of my quest was actually what was causing and perpetuating my identity crisis all along.

# Who Are You?

Teacher and entrepreneur Lorenz Sell writes,

Identity is the answer to the question: Who am I? Anyone who has ever seriously asked themselves that question may have found that the answer is not as obvious as one might think it should be.

If I were to ask "What are you?" you might answer "I'm a human" or "I'm a person."

Persons all have personalities.

So "What are you?" works best as a question about your personhood or personality.

Again, "Who are you?" is a question about your identity.

Your identity consists of every quality you could be identified with.

It's helpful to break identity up into two components: culture and self.

# Cultural Identity

Your cultural (or social) identity is outward; it's all the qualities you could be identified with in relation to other individuals and groups.

As philosophy teacher and writer Nathan Placencia describes,

Statuses relevant for considerations of social identity include gender and race, as well as familial roles like being a father, a mother, a sister, or a brother, and occupational roles like being a professor, a firefighter, or a landscaper.

Identity Politics is a hugely popular topic these days, and it centers entirely around these outward cultural identities—how certain groups you could be identified with in society also determine which groups you couldn't be.

Speaking of clashes between cultural identities, diversity expert Dr. Joanna Rummens writes,

Identities are socially constructed and negotiated. The resulting identifications may be accepted or they may be contested. In many cases they overlap or intersect with other significant—and sometimes competing—identities.

Just as my identity crisis resulted from a search for who I was supposed to be, similar (though far more serious) problems can arise when we attempt to mandate or measure the precise merits of different cultural identities.

I'll just say there's a reason I like to use the word "culture" to speak of outward identities.

Cultures are beautiful (once you know them).

Cultures aren't laws or levels to be boxed or nailed to, but histories, tastes, ways of seeing and doing things, stories, art...

Without going into it in this series, my belief is that seeing outward social identities as aspects of culture could ironically quell what's called the "culture war."

# Self Identity

Your personal "self" identity is inward; at its core, it's an assessment of your personality.

It's important to remember that how you assess who you are is only an interpretation of what you actually are . . . or of what you wish you were . . . or even of what you feel you must pretend to be.

Consider how limited an interpretation based at best on a partial perspective must be, even as Sell confirms:

Each identity is a limited interpretation of who we are.

And that interpretation can easily be clouded by wishful thinking or obligation.

Why obligation?

Why might you feel you should be a certain way?

Often, pressure to be something that doesn't come natural to what you are originates from aspects of your outward cultural identity.

Therapist, talk show host, and mental health expert Andrea Mathews shares the following fascinating example of how an imposed outward identity can conflict with your authentic inner self:

I have commonly heard people describe themselves as, "Well, I'm just one of those people who gives, gives, gives. You know that's just me." What they don't know is that there is another "me" down under all of that, a "me" that is seeking to be heard, seeking to be known, and seeking to be lived. Those who identify with "goodness" are often stuck in patterns of behavior that are not true to who they actually are. If you ask them what they want, they do not know. If you try to help them get in touch with authentic belief or original thought, they do not know these either. What they know is that they will feel very guilty if they don't do what they are supposed to do. And what they are supposed to do is determined by external pressures.

The way your conscious mind works to interpret your identity is by bringing to your attention only the portions of your cumulative experience that best fit your current assessment of yourself.

Science writer and editor Michael Bond says,

Identity is often understood to be a product of memory as we try to build a narrative from the many experiences of our lives.

Of this narrative, another Science writer and editor Graham Lawton writes,

A crucial building block of selfhood is the autobiographical self, which allows us to recall the past, project into the future, and view ourselves as unbroken entities across time.

So the search for "who am I?" has as its end goal something fixed, certain, and as simple as possible to construct a workable self around without ever having to reconsider.

And therein we find the problem at the base of all identity issues: failing to see identity as the evolving assessment of a limited interpretation it always actually is.

Identity can't really be a blueprint; it never works as the easy prescription your conscious mind tries to make it into.

The most helpful way to approach identity is as a flawed awareness—an incomplete picture ever prone to change.

# How Black-and-White Can You Be?

In the throes of my identity crisis, some of the qualities I tried to construct a viable self around felt far more comfortable and closer-to-home than others.

I remember listening to a particular album one day by one of my favorite artists.

At the end of a certain song, all the blaring rock noise suddenly cut to distant ocean waves and soft, acoustic guitar.

Quiet lyrics then sang of simple kindnesses being held up to eternal lights as both a joke and demonstration of odd transcendence in purely human meaning.

The quality captured in that song was one I knew I'd be able to slip into without having to try that hard.

It would form the basis of an identity I could have worn rather easily for an extended period of time: laidback, sweet, soft, quiet, nice, earthy, simple, understanding...

But not long after that, I was out with friends one night and got blindsided by utter betrayal.

One of my best friends started making out with my girlfriend right in front of me.

They weren't drunk or anything; clear decisions had been made about priorities.

Just then, an angry song came on over the loudspeaker.

I listened close as the singer began to rage about injustice and being pushed too far one too many times.

Though the quality in that song felt extremely unnatural for me to imbibe, I decided to take it on, lashing out indignantly against my now non-friend and ex.

A few days later, I got high in someone's garage at band practice, and suddenly saw myself working so incredibly hard to carry that angry identity still.

I'll never forget my huge sigh of relief as I took off my unlikely leather coat, tussled my amateurishly slicked-back hair, and relinquished the scowling frown I'd been contorting my face into since that night of the betrayal.

So, who or what did I fully fling myself into half-becoming next?

Does it matter?

I'm sure I cycled through identities based on qualities shown by those same two artists at least a dozen more times in the coming years.

But let me ask:

Are nice, easygoing people incapable of anger?

Can flaky artistic types never bring themselves to take practical steps?

Are realists altogether devoid of fantasy?

Are logical accountants immune to being swept away in the fun and romance of sheer possibility?

Are brash go-getters never sweet?

What you are can't really ever be nailed down to something so succinct and binary as to be grasped and worn forever like a comfortable pair of shoes.

And that's a good thing, for it means within you exists more potential and resources than you could ever know.

Thinking you have to be a certain way (for whatever reason) always limits you.

As we break down all measures of personality in the coming chapters, we'll uncover keys to help you transcend the pitfalls of identity prescription.

That way your best qualities—known and unknown, valued and unvalued—can use you and your life more and more to exist, combine, and thrive.

# Sources:

Bond, Michael. "Why Are You?" New Scientist. 2/23/2013, Vol. 217 Issue 2905, p41-43. 3p.

Lawton, Graham. "When the Self Breaks." New Scientist. 2/23/2013, Vol. 217 Issue 2905, p36-42. 3p.

Mathews, Andrea. "Identity or Self?" Llewellyn Worldwide – Articles: Identity or Self?.

Placencia, Nathan. "Am I Who I Say I Am? Social Identities and Identification." Social Theory and Practice 36 (4):643-660.

Rummens, Joanna A. "Conceptualising Identity and Diversity: Overlaps, Intersections, and Processes." Canadian Ethnic Studies. 2003, Vol. 35 Issue 3, p10-25. 16p.

Sell, Lorenz. "Losing My Identity." The Huffington Post, TheHuffingtonPost.com, 20 Aug. 2013.

# Could Something Like Astrology Be True?

I was 13, taking in a typical sunny Sunday afternoon from the backseat of my mom's Toyota.

I forget where we were headed.

I must have made some comment, because I remember my mom turning to me and saying with a grin, "Oh, you're such a typical [insert zodiac sign]!"

I had no idea what that meant, so I asked.

She explained it was why I was the way I was, listing several of my common cares and points of focus to build her case.

She cited glaring similarities between me and many we knew who shared my sign.

I was curious, perhaps sensing something close to destiny.

For the rest of that ride, I pulled from my mom all she knew of astrology's basic mechanics—how it had to do with the sun's position to certain star constellations at the moment of one's birth.

I wondered: Could who I was and what I was supposed to do in life really be influenced by angles of celestial bodies in time?

Would that mean 1 in 12 others were just like me?

In the months and years that followed, I got gradually fixated on birthdates like some sort of zany secret detective, keeping a running mental list of everyone born under each sign, and mapping any similarities I thought I saw between them.

One day when I was 18, I was helping my dad break down piles of gnarled boxes that jammed out our garage like Tetris pieces.

I happened upon a stack of buried cassette tapes I'd never seen before, some clearly labeled with my name.

The tapes turned out to be astrological readings recorded for me and my parents by a friend of my mom's around when I was born.

As I listened, I'd have sworn that smooth, low voice slowly modulating through the hiss really was describing each of us in incredible detail.

From those tapes, I learned that there was so much more to astrology than just the 12 sun signs we tend to giggle at in magazine horoscopes . . . that each planet represented its own sign, having its own unique effects on specific aspects of one's being.

From then on, I started running astrology reports online for everyone I knew and met.

Astrology became my base for understanding and interacting with others.

I gaged all people by their charts, digging in as deep as I could go.

The problem: Astrology makes no natural sense.

Why would planetary positions determine one's person or purpose?

Was it all just a crazy filter to see life through, with no bearing on reality?

But the world as fed back to me through chart results somehow felt so uncannily recognizable as accurate.

# Divination

Astrology is a form of divination.

So are numerology, tarot cards, psychics, tea leaves, I Ching cleromancy, and a host of other practices where meanings or omens are read from apparently unconnected facts.

The purpose of divination is always to gain insight or foresight.

One reason I bring up astrology and divination now in this series on identity and personality is that certain modern approaches to personality function exactly like divination systems—approaches many absolutely swear by, cite scores of evidence for, and flood YouTube with videos about.

So using divination as a clear, exaggerated example, I'd like to focus on how all personality systems and tests can be useful, but also limiting.

In Psychology, tendencies to see connections and meanings in unrelated events are called apophenia.

Apophenia believes the third blackjack table from the casino entrance is lucky every 4 plays.

Apophenia sees the sinister face of a demon trapped each night in a bedside lampshade.

Apophenia is Jim Carry's character in the film, The Number 23, believing everything in his life somehow connects to what's called the Law of Fives.

Apophenia always comes dressed in confirmation bias, which is seeing only whatever supports what you already believe or are seeking to prove.

But if divination is apophenia, how could it ever be useful?

# 3 Facts about Divination

1. Divination only goes one way.

There's a story in the Bible where a powerful ruler gathers all his astrologers, and says, "I had this weird dream. Now you have to tell me what the dream was first, and then give the interpretation, since anyone could fit something clever to the dream if I told it to you."

Those astrologers failed in the same way modern astrologers can't meet a person, get to know them (without learning birth details), and then guess at the person's chart alignments.

Divination only works from data fed into its system back to what that system has to say about life, possibility, personality...

Once the data has been fed, and a reading is produced, you notice all instances where the reading connects to experience.

2. Divination can serve as a helpful proxy for illumination.

Imagine you're sitting in a lecture hall, about to hear a renowned spiritual leader give a talk on life.

The speech begins a little dry.

Passages from holy books are read and fit to history.

It takes you a few minutes to adjust to the speaker's accent and strange mannerisms.

You begin to drift off a little without realizing, softly daydreaming about the happenings in your world and where you have to be by when.

But then there's a subtle change to the quality of the talk, at least as you perceive it.

Certain lines leap right out at you from the rest, gripping your attention . . . lines that seem to speak directly to your circumstances and specific things you're hoping for, perhaps confirming some good potential future you've been considering.

Now, that same dynamic can occur when attending a college lecture, listening to a business podcast, or reading a novel.

Something said awakens or gives weight to what you hope for.

It feels too perfect to be a coincidence.

In divination, those moments of illumination happen by proxy: You're focused on the tea leaves, star charts, or number quadrants in your search for truth and meaning; and that conscious focus frees you up on the inside to grasp unconscious knowledge, unlock unconscious capacity, or discover and express unconscious wants, needs, feelings, perceptions...

Even if divination is apophenia (at least in its mechanics), outwardly navigating the connections you think you see between facts and events enables you to inwardly reach, register with, and begin to rely on your true core values.

There are always 2 parts to divination: a part that provides an accounting story to directly explain real facts in the world—that story is the proxy you focus on—and a part that reaches indirectly to touch your real experience.

Divination might say:

"You're able to show unique wisdom (possible experience) because you were born in the year of the Monkey (accounting story proxy)."

"You care deeply for your loved ones (possible experience) because your sun sign is Cancer (accounting story proxy)."

"You're passionate and have much inner strength (possible experience) because your life path number is 8 (accounting story proxy)."

"You care about what's objectively real (possible experience) because your moon sign is Aquarius (accounting story proxy)."

Yes, these are simple examples.

Almost anyone could relate to most of these possible experiences (filling in their own details).

But the deeper you go into any divination system, the more accounting story you're given to sift through so that more experience/intuition/desire can then be connected with.

With astrology, for example, I mentioned how additional planets are brought into play; as you read or hear about what each of these is meant to mean, more and more of your actual tendencies and drives can be brought to light and "made sense of."

Proxy systems that deal with personality can be especially helpful in this regard because personality is never as simple as we tend to want to make it.

Although we do each favor certain ways of perceiving and approaching both our inner and outer realities, we all actually have to make use of every aspect of personality at times, whether or not it's something that comes naturally to what we are.

So an infinitely complex system of interpretation that allows for ever more aspects of your nature to be discovered and applied can be useful . . . to a point.

3. Divination is limiting.

Seeing by proxy is not without cost.

There's a downside to those ever-expanding mythological narratives used to account for possible knowledge, history, potential...

Such stories can't help but speak to how things ought to be.

Taking the same examples above:

"You're able to show unique wisdom (possible experience) because you were born in the year of the Monkey (accounting story proxy). But you shouldn't do much cardio, since your heart and nerves are weak (limiting prescription)."

"You care deeply for your loved ones (possible experience) because your sun sign is Cancer (accounting story proxy). But it would be a mistake for you to date fire signs or be a Math major (limiting prescription)."

"You're passionate and have much inner strength (possible experience) because your life path number is 8 (accounting story proxy). But little things aren't that important to you, so it would be wasteful to try to focus much on keeping your life in balance (limiting prescription)."

"You care about what's objectively real (possible experience) because your moon sign is Aquarius (accounting story proxy). But don't try to feel your actual feelings in any kind of visceral way, since they're alien to you and a complete mystery to everyone else (limiting prescription)"

Can you imagine the inner monologue of someone whose divination accountings happened to cover all those traits?

Well, I do have a unique and objective way of seeing things; and I want to work hard and turn that perspective into something useful so I can take care of my family (experience).

But I guess all those Economics classes were really a waste of time. And does my family even know I care so much? I mean, my wife's a fire sign . . . maybe that's why it's like we can never fully understand each other. Oh well, I'll likely burn out and die soon, anyway, since I can't do anything about all this stress; but at least I'll accomplish my big dreams first (limiting prescription).

# A Solution

As I said, astrology became my way of seeing and measuring everyone I met.

But I was worried, deep down, it was just a flaky approach to life.

Of course astrology itself wove in plenty of its own narrative to explain away such concerns:

"Oh, that's because you're a..."

But I hated seeing how it limited my relationships and pursuits.

I'd watch myself prejudge all potential partners on scales of compatibility.

One day, I was talking with a wise older friend about my pesky astrology perspective; and he told me, "Astrology is like your pseudo-calling."

I think what he meant was my interest in astrology could be a signpost to reveal my true passion: understanding people and values.

Later, as I studied Psychology and concepts like self, identity, and personality, I found systems that didn't share divination's built-in limitations—systems that could work both ways: from observed traits to a person's "type," as well as just from fed type data back to trait predictions.

As I said, some approaches to personality function exactly like divination systems.

The easiest way to tell the difference: Can the system work both ways?

Again, since divination only works from fed data back to its predictions, it requires an ever more complex accounting story to serve as a proxy for illumination—an accounting story that can't help but speak to how things ought to be.

And it's those prescriptions from the story that are limiting.

I once worked with this girl who asked me for an astrological reading.

The results left her speechless.

But in the months and years that followed, it became clear she was using her reading as an excuse not to grow and live more by her values.

Specifically, her bold and careless sun sign became a role she loved to play in order to hide and protect her soft and fragile moon sign.

The result: normalized imbalance, poor coping skills, dishonesty, rudeness...

But by then I was learning personality systems that could work both ways.

So one morning I walked up and just gave her 4 words to search for online, which were the names of 4 personality traits she'd shown often in the years we'd worked together.

What she discovered as she searched and read was a model that allowed her to transcend the limitations of the proxy system she'd enjoyed but been held back by.

I've had that same experience, myself, being set free as I've come to understand my nature in ways that go far beyond whatever the stars might say.

Those systems that can work both ways—and even unfasten knots held tight by decades of divination narratives—are what we'll start to look at next time.

# Beyond the Personality Test #1 (Awareness)

To recap: If identity is who you think you are, then personality is what you actually are.

Can identity and personality be tested?

Well, there are countless qualities you could identify with; so the idea of an identity test seems nonsensical.

I'd be willing to bet you've taken a few personality tests in your time.

A personality test is sort of like the best and worst of all multiple-choice tests; you move from question to question, agonizing over differences between phrases like "strongly agree" and "most strongly agree" . . . but then end up guessing anyway on all the ones you can't make sense of.

The fun and satisfying part is when you get to tally up your scores, rifle through to the results page, and feel blown away by the uncanny accuracy of your "type" description.

But are personality test results really the mirror to your soul they seem to be?

So many personality tests arrive at the same 4 basic types . . . it's just each test or system uses its own representations and metaphors to help you understand and remember your type, comparing it to an animal, a body part, a fluid, a catch-phrase, a symbol...

You might be a lion/springtime/choleric/boss.

Or maybe you're a golden retriever/autumn/phlegmatic/pushover.

If both the answers you pick and results they lead to describe 1 of the 4 types, then consider that what's really happening when you take a personality test is you're choosing the type you most identify with.

In other words, you're deciding between options for what the test says you are based on who you already think you are.

That means personality tests aren't personality tests at all; they're actually identity tools.

And even though there are countless qualities you could identify with, there are only a few distinct measures that define personality.

Again, personality tests help you narrow in on which personality qualities you're comfortable identifying with; but since personality tests are identity tools, that means you could be answering based on qualities you actually have (and show), qualities you wish you had . . . or even qualities you feel obligated to have for whatever reason.

True personality—what you truly are—is both too simple to require any test, and too complex to ever be mapped to even the most robust results.

Essentially, you are all personality types.

You possess every personality quality (or trait), even those you don't identify with right now.

All the traits exist and evolve within you; and each should come into play in different ways as you grow, think, learn, make decisions, and experience life.

# Personality (The Simplest of Sciences)

Personality has 2 parts: awareness and focus.

Awareness is unconscious; it's your perception of everything that happens in your world.

Focus is conscious; it's what you do with your perception.

Awareness and focus each have 2 aspects, and each aspect is directed 2 ways: inward (introverted) and outward (extroverted).

Inward-directed aspects keep track of how you feel and what you know; you use them to work out your own independent appraisal of concepts and values.

Outward-directed aspects notice and interact with the world around you.

So, since personality has 2 parts, each with 2 aspects directed 2 ways, that adds up to a total of only 8 personality traits, all of which are incredibly easy to recognize—whether they're traits you use prominently and proficiently (traits that would show up in your personality test results), or traits that remain hidden, underdeveloped, and unutilized (traits you don't identify with).

Certain personality tests and their associated systems prescribe how some of those 8 traits should be prioritized based on your preferences—saying that if you favor one trait, another will be secondary, then a third, etc.

Such prescriptions can be helpful, but they can also limit your perspective and potential, much like the divination systems we looked at last time.

The bottom line: There is more to you (and everyone else) than you could ever predict, understand, or plan for.

So while there's no way to stop or silence the part of you that seeks to establish a workable identity, you can set yourself ever freer from all unnecessary constraints in the lifelong process of becoming your best self.

Begin by learning to look for the 8 personality traits in the various ways you and others perceive, think, and act.

# 2 Parts to Personality

The reason most personality systems arrive at the same 4 basic types is they ignore awareness altogether, and tackle focus exclusively.

Each common type embodies 1 of the 4 focus traits.

That in itself is strong evidence for personality tests really being identity tools.

Since focus is conscious, it's definitely the part of what you are that's easiest to identify with.

We'll come back to focus next time.

Awareness is actually far more important and fundamental.

At your core, you are an awareness.

It's from what you unconsciously perceive that your mind then goes to work conceptualizing, creating the stories you tell yourself about your life and everything connected to it.

But awareness happens on its own.

And awareness never stops.

Your awareness is akin to you simply existing.

Psychoanalyst, Carl Jung, studied both awareness and focus as parts of personality; and much of the research behind the 8 personality traits we'll cover is founded on his initial work.

We'll also look at what's called the Big Five model, which is known for using common language to describe observable qualities by simple comparison and dichotomy.

I believe the Big Five model's easy-to-distinguish, one-or-the-other approach can help make relationships between Jung's 8 personality traits clear, and provide valuable insight for how all the traits can function well together.

# Awareness

So, coming to the 2 aspects of unconscious awareness: You're aware of your outward and inward realities through direct sensation (sensing) and intuition.

# Outward Sensing

Outward (extroverted) sensing says, "Let's go!"

Outward sensing picks up on your surroundings exactly as they are; it sees every detail of what's happening in the physical world you're experiencing right now, and notices opportunities to act and use whatever you have available.

Outward sensing is impulsive, instinctual, thrill-seeking, and sensual; it's driven to experience immediate physical pleasure, and to serve appetites through stimulation of sight, sound, taste, touch, and smell so you can make the most of the current moment.

Outward sensing is also aware of trends and what's popular or stylish.

This makes appearances and material things important to outward sensing.

# Inward Sensing

Inward (introverted) sensing asks, "What works?"

Where outward sensing engages with the outside world through your senses, inward sensing notices how your body feels in itself, paying close attention to your physical state.

Inward sensing keeps careful track of experiences, comparing your present circumstances with those past.

Inward sensing values consistency and security; it's protective of practiced customs.

# Sensing and Conscientiousness

In the Big Five model, what pits inward and outward sensing against one another is a quality called conscientiousness.

Conscientiousness works to control and regulate impulses so you can make wise choices that lead to long-term benefits.

In other words, conscientiousness isn't sidetracked by immediate, fleeting desires; rather it stays consistent and reliable, living by proven routines.

Conscientiousness treasures tradition, and sees established rules as moral obligations.

Where inward sensing is highly conscientious, outward sensing isn't conscientious at all.

Inward sensing pulls you to what's known or familiar; but outward sensing pushes you to seek out the new and unpredictable.

Inward sensing holds you back to conserve, keeping clear unconscious records of what's worked well before; while outward sensing drives you forward into the unknown so you can consume and enjoy right now.

If you feel more prone or inclined to inward sensing—if you're more conscientious—then notice your tendency to look down on sensual, unplanned, frivolous (unconscientious) activities in general.

Realize that beneath your disdain and judgment, the drive to push forward, consume, and enjoy exists somewhere deep and untapped within you as well.

If you were to stay only conscientious, you'd spend your life working hard to build and sustain something valuable you never actually got any value from.

That could look like living in abject poverty without ever accessing the millions you've saved in the bank.

Likewise, if you find yourself always rushing out to make the most of your immediate circumstances without considering long-term consequences, know that the way you probably like to identify with those tendencies ("well, that's just how I am") is no excuse not to listen to your own better judgment.

If you were never conscientious, you'd end up burnt out, dried up, and dead before your time.

To find balance, learn to hear and even appreciate the whispered words of whichever of these 2 tendencies haunts you like a hated but incessant ghost.

Doing so gradually over time will greatly benefit, fortify, and color the other tendency—the one that stands out and seems to rule the sensing aspect of your awareness.

# Outward Intuition

Outward (extroverted) intuition asks, "What if?"

Where outward sensing is grounded in appearances and your experience in the moment, outward intuition drifts beneath concrete reality to pick up on as many future opportunities as possible.

Outward intuition holds on to every idea, interpretation, and hidden pattern at once, examining them all together for whatever good might be brought about.

Outward intuition favors brainstorming and limitless imagination, whimsically uncovering connections in theme or meaning between whatever freely comes to mind.

Thus, outward intuition can come across as flaky, absent-minded, and blind to what's obvious in the physical world.

Unbridled outward intuition quickly grows restless and distracted; poor at focusing, and never satisfied, it leads to having more pursuits than you could ever really go after.

# Inward Intuition

Inward (introverted) intuition proclaims, "Thus sayeth..."

Where inward sensing relays your body's experience back to you just as it is, inward intuition fuses disparate pieces of experience together to form a new idea and insight.

Unlike outward intuition, which sees every possible connection between as many facts or ideas as possible, inward intuition brings all possibilities (even contradictions) together to create a single, sometimes paradoxical, yet comprehensive perspective or solution . . . an outcome you see as being worth whatever it might take to bring about—to turn your vision into something real and accessible to others.

Again, all awareness traits are unconscious; so while your conscious mind might work to set definitions and rules in textbooks based on logical divisions, inward intuition transcends such confines to reconcile the irreconcilable, arriving at universal truths at the base of complex philosophies.

Because it's unconscious, inward intuition can seem supernatural or prophetic; but it really just works with the puzzle pieces taken in by experience to generate an impression of how things are and could become.

The divination systems we looked at last time are a great example of inward intuition—systems that can serve as proxies to help you grasp unconscious knowledge.

# Closing the Open Door

Both outward (extroverted) sensing and outward intuition represent a quality called openness in the Big Five model.

Openness is imaginative, curious, and creative.

Where outward sensing is open to sensual experience, outward intuition is open to possibility and new opportunities.

Closedness, on the other hand, goes only by-the-book; it keeps you safe within pre-established boundaries.

We've seen how conscientious inward sensing opposes outward sensing's wild impulses, working to defer immediate gratification and make more mature decisions.

You might then assume inward intuition would counter outward intuition's constant push to explore alternatives.

Inward intuition, after all, arrives at a single conclusion that somehow brings all options together.

But inward intuition isn't closed like inward sensing is.

Inward intuition continues to look ahead (not behind), seeking to build upon itself.

For a few years now, I've been working on a story that's been mostly the result of inward intuition.

And I obviously believe in my story enough to have kept with it this long.

But as for exactly how, where, when, and with whom I'll share my story once it's done, outward intuition has never stopped raging out of control with different game plans, leaping like lightning from one attractive outlet to the next.

I've watched myself sprint in circles between ideas to start various YouTube channels, publish podcasts, record audiobooks, work with affiliates, or harness any number of social media mediums.

I've rushed out many times to buy expensive gear, then spent days and weeks feverishly fashioning impossibly detailed schedules (for new lives) on spreadsheets.

A few months ago, I met up with an old friend who was able to talk some fresh sense into me.

He helped me pull my exhausted perspective back from myriad marketing futures to see the few pursuits I'd already been moving forward in all along.

Looking back gave me a natural sense of timing and priorities—providing a sturdy base for outward intuition to then build upon moving forward.

So, my answer was inward sensing.

Inward sensing can close the open door of outward intuition, bringing or restoring a natural appreciation for what you know works well for you.

Use inward sensing when deciding between conflicting opportunities so you can make real progress instead of spinning your wheels forever in the pretty face of endless prospects.

# The Hub

Inward intuition fascinates me.

I'd be lying if I said the part of me that pushes to lock down a livable identity doesn't sit at the edge of its seat when I study and experience the workings of inward intuition in my life.

I feel like I recognize and identify with inward intuition's function and symptoms more than any other trait.

Here is Jung's description of someone for whom inward intuition is dominant:

The intuition is directed within, hence they are primarily found among seers and prophets, poets, artists; among primitive peoples they are the shamans who convey the messages of the gods to the tribe. On a more mundane level, persons of this type tend to be mystical day-dreamers. This type is especially liable to neglect ordinary physical needs. They often have little awareness of their own bodily existence or its effect on others. It often appears (especially to the extravert) that reality does not exist for them—that they are simply lost in fruitless fantasies. They easily get lost in strange cities; they misplace possessions, forget appointments, seldom turn up on time, arrive at airports at the very last minute. Their working environment is usually chaotic; they can't find the right papers, the tools they need, clean clothes. There is seldom anything orderly or tidy about them. They tend to muddle through life, dependent on the tolerance and good will of sensation-oriented friends.

So, imagine having a vision for the future you felt could help solve important problems.

How driven would you be to fully realize that vision and bring it to life?

Don't you think you might start to lose touch with more mundane matters?

The problem: As you neglect your health, your loved ones, and the world around you, you start to resemble something of an eccentric, unruly flake.

Yes, inward intuition requires you to step away from your everyday world to properly experience and capture your big "aha!" moments.

But then your vision only ends up being valuable to the degree that you can come back down from your lofty mountain and find effective ways to integrate, connect around, and communicate what you've received.

So far, we've seen how inward sensing conflicts with outward sensing and works to regulate outward intuition.

I also hold that inward sensing can be a good initial answer to the real-world, practical shortcomings of inward intuition.

Inward sensing works to tighten the distance and close the loop—to return you to the here and now of your own internal experience so that the insights and future you see can begin to be lived out and made real in an outward sensory world.

The apparent takeaway from all of this: For every other awareness trait, treat inward sensing as a hub for finding balance and making measurable progress.

If you're pushing hard and fast to experience the world around you, inward sensing is the overridden voice of your conscience haunting you with potential consequences of your actions.

If you're pushing to explore the beauty of ever more opportunities, inward sensing is there to compare each potential future with your own experiential knowledge of what's worked well for you before.

If you're pushing to detach from the world in enlightenment, inward sensing can remind you of the ultimate truth at the base of every vision you receive, returning you to simple awareness of yourself and your state as an existing being.

It's your state that really matters in the end, no matter who you identify as or what you hope to be and achieve.

You could damage yourself through reckless abandon, stay stuck forever drooling over what could be, or flash through the rest of your existence as a would-be prophet receiving visions alone in a cave.

It's as your awareness is brought back to your state that you can really start to live by your values.

# Awareness and Values

We'll talk a lot about values as we continue to study personality.

I think a helpful way to understand what you are is to see yourself as an evolving sequence of values all wanting to use your life to exist more in the world.

Each personality trait represents different values.

Let's quickly consider how inward sensing can be used to help develop the values represented by your other 3 awareness traits.

As outward sensing values experience, inward sensing can gradually make known the value of working and waiting to earn the absolute best experiences you most enjoy.

That could mean the difference between scarfing bags of fast food in a parking lot, and saving up for a single meal at your favorite restaurant as a reward for living well all month.

The same holds true for other sensory experiences.

Outward intuition values potential; that means it values every possible value that could exist through your life.

The problem with outward intuition is it gets lost in wonder over what each of those values might mean.

Inward sensing shows you your life as a whole; that way you can see which core values have really been there all along as your perspective and person have developed, giving you a strong foundation of focus and a natural sense of priorities based on the tried and true.

When it comes to inward intuition, Beck sings in his song, Loser, "You can't write if you can't relate," and the only way to connect with anyone and make your valued vision for a better future come true is to return down from your heightened status as an otherworldly recipient sage to become again just a regular person like everyone else—someone doing their best to live their life well in the world.

# Sensing and Intuition

Though in looking at what each of the 4 awareness traits look like and value we've touched on how inward sensing can be used to help bring you back to a fundamental awareness of yourself, inward sensing as a personality trait should not be considered superior to other traits.

There are no better or worse traits, aspects, qualities, types, parts...

Intuition-dominance leads to feeling annoyed or overwhelmed by practical matters.

Likewise, sensing-dominance misses the forest for the trees, so that taking steps back from what's happening now in order to look beneath at possible meanings feels daunting or pointless.

Understanding how each personality trait serves its function can transform discouraging feelings of lack and inadequacy . . . or misplaced arrogant superiority . . . into a healthy respect and desire for further growth and balance.

# Sources:

Jung, C. G., and Herbert Read. The collected works of C.G. Jung, vol. 6: psychological types. Routledge, 1989.

# Beyond the Personality Test #2 (Focus)

Last time we looked at the "awareness" part of what you are.

Since awareness is unconscious, it can be subtle and easy to muddle until you understand how different aspects function and flow together.

It's now time to smile and take an easy breather, for we've reached the part of personality that's recognizable right away, both in yourself and others.

You could say that identifying with your conscious "focus" traits is like the kindergarten of self-discovery.

Are you a bossy lion or a friendly Labrador?

Are you a cold and minimalistic winter, or a warm and lively summer day?

Are you a diplomatic social butterfly, or a hermitic scientist perfecting your theories alone in a lab?

Are you an edgy feel-good rebel with a heart of gold, or a hardworking middle-manager leading a team to do its best work?

Of course you're not all those things; and nature or nurture has undoubtedly endowed you with certain dominant focus traits.

But life also forces you to reckon with the fact that all personality traits must come into play to some degree in different circumstances.

Difficulties can arise when you feel pressured to adopt traits that don't come naturally to you.

For example, every boss or manager is expected to excel in the focus trait, outward (extroverted) thinking, since that's the trait that figures out how to get the best results from what you have available.

But if you're not a competent outward thinker, yet try to simply act like one, your leadership is likely to come across as contrived, weak, or all-over-the-place.

You never have to fake a personality trait.

In fact, you never have to try to be anything, even if life demands you act in ways you've never been able to (or wanted to) before.

Just recognize the different traits and how they relate to one another, and you can then use combinations of your best traits in novel ways to make up for where you're lacking.

Such understanding also empowers you to bring new strength and fresh perspective to places you might have never seen yourself fitting well before.

# Thinking and Feeling

We looked at how you're aware of your state, your environment, and possible underlying connections through unconscious sensing and intuition.

Your mind then goes to work consciously putting that perceived information together in the form of concepts—pictures of the world you consider and could describe to others.

If awareness is akin to you simply existing, then focus is what sets you apart as human; for all living things are aware on some level, yet only humans can conceptualize to the degree that language is even created for those concepts to be communicated.

What you conceptualize about are facts and values.

Conceptualizing about facts is called "thinking."

Conceptualizing about values is called "feeling."

This might be a little confusing, since both aspects of focus—both forms of conceptualizing—are technically thinking.

The terminology is just to help you identify more with one type of thinking or the other: either thinking about what's true in terms of systems, ideas, and logic; or thinking about what's best, as in most worthwhile to human beings.

As with sensing and intuition, both thinking and feeling are directed 2 ways—outward and inward.

# Outward Thinking

Outward (extroverted) thinking says, "Let's get this done!"

Outward thinking creates and hones guidelines, schedules, and processes in order to achieve the best results with maximum efficiency; it manages resources or groups of people to get the most from whatever you have to work with.

Outward thinking measures consequences, and looks for practical solutions to real-world problems.

Fluent in accepted standards and definitions, outward thinking works to analyze, organize, present, and apply pragmatic facts.

This process manifests as effective planning and execution toward the achievement of concrete, real-world goals.

# Inward Thinking

Inward (introverted) thinking asks, "What's true?"

Inward thinking measures ideas and how things work, looking at every component (and relationships between components) from all possible angles to distinguish and categorize essential qualities into levels and classes for understanding.

Inward thinking never wants to stop questioning itself; it hunts for logical inconsistencies, forever examining the basis of all your thoughts to make sure they're reasonable.

Thus, inward thinking is focused on what's uncertain—on what could be inconsistent—rather than on asserting the truth of any claim.

Inward thinking constructs its own ever-expanding map of rational skepticism.

# Thinking in 2 Directions

Where inward thinking continually circles back to challenge itself, forever breaking information apart to gain more knowledge, outward thinking rushes out to gain and maintain control over the physical world.

Outward thinking sees facts as only valuable for how they can be put to practice in methodologies measured moving forward to be ever improved.

Thus outward thinking is scientific; it values arriving at the most objectively effective systems attested to by collective consensus.

But inward thinking is philosophical; it values challenging anything close to a consensus to measure the accuracy of all ideas and concepts.

Those who identify as inward thinkers can go through a somewhat nihilistic phase; for the deeper their understanding goes, the less of an immediate difference they come to expect to really make with it.

Skilled inward thinkers understand how tedious a task it would be for every line of their reasoning to be put forth and understood.

Thus inward thinkers can become quite disillusioned after seeing their partially put forth strings of valid, airtight arguments fail to convince most others.

After a recent mass shooting, a friend of mine posted his thoughts on Facebook, which were a textbook example of expressed inward thinking.

Scanning through my friend's giant block of complex text, I picked up on hints at conclusions about gun control and governmental power; but those glimmers shone forth from such a vast sea of undeveloped caveats that by the end I felt his frustration in knowing his words just couldn't be enough.

It would have taken my friend literally forever to fully explain his thoughts.

Yet something I really admire about inward thinkers is how resolutely they usually decide to set themselves against the pessimism their own experience justifies.

Inward thinkers generally end up choosing to play a much longer, slower game, setting their sights beyond even their own lives to a distant future when all their reasoning has been woven into a tapestry of collective human understanding that spans all of history.

On the other hand, those who identify as outward thinkers can sometimes miss the bigger picture as they speed off to perfect their data-driven systems.

I once worked at a massive media company where the spending and development policy was essentially: "Well, what's everyone else doing?"

Expert consultants were paid unseemly amounts to come wow outward thinking producers with statistics-laced presentations on how certain strategies had proven so effective for other clients.

The problem: It was a media company.

Media changes fast, so paying top dollar to begin implementing someone else's winning system is a surefire way to miss the next big wave (of wherever attention is headed).

Meanwhile, inward thinking staffers sighed and shrugged as slivers of their uncommunicable wisdom got quickly cut down by rote recitations of those same costly sales pitch stats.

You could almost hear those inward thinkers sigh and quietly whisper to themselves in soft Eeyore voices, "Well, it looks like we're doomed."

But what if outward thinking were set to run instead with game plans based on a moving, evolving current summation of that which inward thinking could show to be most reasonable (if given sufficient time to explain . . . and help to summarize . . . and...)?

Yes, there would be more risk involved in actually charting a new course; but I bet the results would look a lot better than tired bosses scratching their heads, wondering why what's worked before costs so much to apply but also fails to predict much value.

Inward thinking probes deep into uncharted theoretical territory, which outward thinking could then set out to proficiently explore and conquer.

Though forever unsure of itself, inward thinking is usually closer to understanding how things truly are now than any past research money could buy.

# Outward Feeling

Outward (extroverted) feeling asks, "How's everyone?"

Outward feeling cares about what others want and find worthwhile; it desires to connect, mostly to help everyone else have whatever they value.

Through outward feeling, you can actually lose yourself in how other people are doing; this could look like laughing when someone else laughs, or empathizing with another's frustrations.

Where outward thinking prides itself on remaining ever flat and impersonal—concerned only with applying objective facts—outward feeling intentionally wears warm emotions on its sleeves, responding and adjusting to whatever feelings and motivations it picks up on.

# Inward Feeling

Inward (introverted) feeling asks, "What's good/what matters?"

Since inward feeling is . . . inward . . . it can seem far more detached and thoughtful than outward feeling.

Where outward feeling disappears into others' values for the purpose of connecting and helping, inward feeling measures and compares all values independently.

Basically, inward feeling maps everything anyone could find good and worthwhile, all at once, in order to comprehend how different values complement one another.

Inward feeling recognizes and hates whenever values are compromised, since it knows exactly how and why all such compromises are unnecessary.

That might be why inward feelers are often most inspired to help the unfortunate—those who have been devalued and are unable to help themselves, such as the needy, orphans, and animals.

# Inward Openness

We saw last time how outward sensing and outward intuition represent a quality called openness in the Big Five model—being open to new experiences (outward sensing) and new possibilities (outward intuition).

Well, as we move from unconscious awareness to conscious focus, it's interesting to note that openness shifts in direction from outward to inward.

Inward thinking is open to new ideas through systematic analysis.

Inward feeling is open to new perspectives that could contribute to equality, justice, and peace.

Both inward thinking and inward feeling are non-dogmatic, out-of-the-box, and skeptical of conventional understandings.

# Feeling Agreeable

Inward and outward feeling each show different shades of a quality the Big Five model calls agreeableness.

Agreeableness wants everyone to be happy, and to avoid conflict.

Disagreeableness, on the other hand, is unfriendly and uncooperative, placing self-interest above helping others and making peace.

Disagreeableness can look like outright intimidation or simple obliviousness.

You could say that outward feeling is blindly committed to demonstrating agreeableness at all costs; where inward feeling understands exactly how agreeableness's amicable aims should best be achieved.

Outward feelers are hyper-agreeable, which can be a problem when it leads to continually passing up opportunities for success and personal development because you always put others' needs and goals ahead of your own.

Inward feelers remain reserved and cool (unless they see values being infringed upon).

Inward feelers are consciously aware of what everyone finds important, but they don't disappear into the feelings and values of others the way outward feelers do.

So, to inward feelers, outward feeling can appear shallow, contrived, showy, and arrogant—perhaps like a politician who acts genuine and kind, but always for some hidden ulterior purpose.

That's because when inward feelers see outward feeling at work, they know the outward feelers are not being true to themselves and their own values.

On the other hand, outward feelers tend to see inward feelers as overly closed off and unhelpful in their goal forcing a happy rapport.

But the difference is really only one of style or tact.

Since both inward and outward feelers are "value-valuers," each can learn to respect the other's methodology if they come to recognize and unite around their common agreeableness.

Inward feelers can appreciate that the reason outward feelers skew hyper-agreeable (even to the point of insincerity) comes from an honest desire to help build others up.

And outward feelers can learn from inward feelers to take themselves and their own needs into consideration lest they risk volcanic waves of unacknowledged resentment building up beneath the surface to one day explode in displays of rampant, uncharacteristic disagreeableness that might wipe out all the happy harmony they've worked so hard to build.

# Sources:

Jung, C. G., and Herbert Read. The collected works of C.G. Jung, vol. 6: psychological types. Routledge, 1989.

# Beyond the Personality Test #3 (Home and Calling)

I love the idea of parties . . . for me, an idealistic picture of inhibitions and daily stresses purged as a mass of beautiful humanity writhes together in collective bliss.

But I don't do too well at actual parties, at least not indefinitely.

Years back, headed to a particular holiday function at work, I'm sure my demeanor could only have been described as giddy (if not outright chirpy), even droll.

I just remember so looking forward to amazing food and a few hours free from the usual fix of files, phones, and screens.

Crammed in that car with co-workers I'd known for decades, we joked and giggled about all sorts of silly things as our driver, whom we'll call Jolie, regaled us with story after zany story from her life.

It was perfect.

We arrived at the venue and were met by a sea of semi-familiar faces, some of which smiled wide while others were careful to avoid eye-contact.

Bosses on every level schmoozed.

We found our way to a free table at the back where I was glad to continue our happy banter from the car.

But Jolie soon leapt from her place in our group, and proceeded to flitter from cluster to cluster of the well-dressed almost-strangers all around, making at least some from each new bunch chuckle a little before moving on.

Tables were released to the buffet, which was indeed spectacular.

Eating gave way to coffee and more fun chatter with old friends.

Then the "games" began.

First was an ice-breaker where table groups were mixed and matched, and our new forced teams were given a set of altogether meaningless instructions to follow: Put a keychain in someone's glasses case or wallet, tie it with a shoelace from the oldest team member's shoes, and select a runner to transport everything to a big box up front while blindfolded.

The last team to finish was disqualified from moving on to the next of many such games.

All the while, Jolie could be heard tables away still loudly recounting her comical tales.

95 minutes elapsed before ultimate winners were declared and rewarded with $10 gift cards.

Then came a slew of slow appreciation speeches that spanned at least another 90 minutes.

Boss after boss stepped forward in turn to esteem their departments before the crowd.

Of course we could hardly hear anything through the tinny PA and speakers; but we caught the basic gist, and clapped until our hands hurt as an endless wash of celebrated individuals filed up for a handshake with the CEO.

With every passing minute, I found myself feeling a little more on edge and droopy.

To combat my general malaise, I downed 2-3 more cups of coffee, and inhaled platter after platter of desserts.

I began to feel plagued by such thoughts as:

What's going to happen now?

Why are we even doing this?

It all seems so inefficient.

What's the point?

When at last the festivities ended, the hordes stood to mostly line the walls and hallways, making it impossible to pass through without acknowledging each mutual decision made not to acknowledge one another.

As our little tribe finally collapsed back into Jolie's car and sped off, I felt irritated, sleepy, anxious . . . and most of all DRAINED!

But you should have seen and heard Jolie as she pinballed us back to the office to finish out our workday.

If on the way to the event she'd been boisterous and entertaining, she was now utterly loopy and insatiable, all but screaming with heightened delight and glee as I and others stared in silence out the windows.

The thing is: I bet Jolie would have described that same outing very differently, saying something closer to, "Well, it was a little dull at first, but then we got there and everyone was just so amazing I couldn't keep it in!"

# Extrovert or Introvert?

Many would call Jolie an extrovert, and me an introvert.

In truth, no one is one or the other, for the terms refer not to the sum of one's person or being, but to the world where their most prominent personality traits come to life.

We've looked at how extroverted (outward-directed) traits are focused on and energized by the outside world in seeing possibility, measuring tactics, optimizing sensation, or connecting with others.

Introverted traits, on the other hand, are directed and driven toward a private, inward world of subjective sensation, unconscious awareness, or independent appraisals of facts or values.

To an observer, extraverted traits appear assertive and expressive, drawing attention to themselves.

Introverted traits come across as subtle, lowkey, and disengaged.

The reason no one is either an extrovert or introvert is because no one has or shows just a single personality trait.

It's extremely limiting to reduce a person even to what they are the most.

Yet as we've seen, the part of you that searches for exactly who you should be is looking for the simplest possible blueprint to follow forever without ever turning back.

That's because you want to make the best use of your life and time.

So there is perhaps nothing so frustrating as feverishly bouncing between options for viable lives as the waning appeal of one potential future gets swallowed up into idealistic notions of the next, and so on...

# Home and Calling

How much of yourself can you really know?

Could you predict exactly how and when each of your traits, qualities, and values should come into play in balance amongst the rest?

Your search for a liveable "self" obviously requires at least some simplification and guesswork.

But to avoid the perils of reducing yourself to just whichever compelling quality you might be focused on right now, understand that there will always be 2 parts to what you are—2 broad and underlying categories for all your various attributes to map to.

Let's call the first part your dominant "home," the basis of what you really are.

The personality traits that make up your home comprise your core foundation and comfort zone.

Those traits are always there for you to return to and build from whenever you (re)appreciate their value.

But a major component of self-acceptance and growth is learning not to take your home traits for granted.

On their own, your home traits don't really force you to stretch or grow that much because they're what comes most natural to you.

The other part of what you are is your aspirational "calling."

Your calling traits represent your purpose and motivation in life; they could be likened to a distant paradise enticing you to step away from the easy and secure.

If your home is what you are, then your calling is where you feel led to take what you are so you can make the most of your skills and experience in the limited time you have.

Your calling is never meant to replace or contradict your home (even if you tend to get more excited about your calling).

Instead, your calling is there to hone your home, and provide avenues for expansion and application.

If you ever find yourself stuck unable to choose between attractive potential identities, remember: You are both your home and calling . . . always.

Any inkling of "one or the other" might as well be a lie (more on that next time).

To illustrate the relationship between home and calling, let's look at a few examples of fictional superheroes.

First, take Bruce Wayne, whose dominant core and comfort zone seems centered around the personality trait we've called conscientious inward (introverted) sensing.

Inward sensing entails a natural understanding of how to consistently and conservatively stabilize the present in order to achieve a secure, reliable future.

But what if after the murder of his parents, Bruce had stayed alone forever in Wayne Manor carefully maintaining his inheritance instead of stepping out to pursue the training and resources needed to eventually become Batman and fight crime nightly?

Bruce's aspirational calling revolves around the trait we've labelled outward (extroverted) thinking, which drives him to stretch and study so he can fortify his natural awareness in order to achieve measurable results in the outside world.

Without an outlet for his inner core, Bruce might have led a comfortable though ultimately aimless life.

Another example is Kal-El, an alien being who receives otherworldly insight via his arctic Fortress of Solitude.

Supernatural visions and revelation map archetypically in stories to the trait we've identified as inward (introverted) intuition, which serves as the base of Kal-El's dominant home and core.

Kal-El's calling, however . . . ingrained and ignited by his stepparents while being raised on their farm as Clark Kent . . . is to help others in need—a driving motivation that points to the trait we've referred to as outward (extroverted) feeling.

So, what if fear of being misunderstood due to his alien origins and unrivalled power had kept Kal-El from ever stepping out in uncertainty to intervene directly in anyone's life?

He might have still used his fortress wisdom to defeat superhuman enemies and save the world; but to forsake his calling would have meant never fulfilling a higher destiny to unite fragmented civilizations by forging and exemplifying an all new hope.

On the other end of the spectrum is Tony Stark, a charismatic, brash, and brilliant business magnate and scientist . . . attributes which ground Tony's dominant core to the trait, outward (extroverted) thinking.

Imagine if Tony had never been forced through threat of death to intuitively piece together a whole new world of possibility via unprecedented technology to save himself and turn him into a superhero.

Tony's calling, primarily inward (introverted) intuition, serves as a guiding light to direct his naturally extroverted approach.

Maybe like Bruce and Kal-El, your home and comfort zone is your independent, internal awareness and understanding of meaning, truth, or beauty.

The shortcoming of introverted personality traits is they can serve little external purpose if you never stretch to receive outside input and find effective outward avenues for implementation and expression.

Conversely, the core of what you are might be extroverted (like Tony), say in interacting with others or harnessing whatever you have at your disposal.

If so, taking the time to stop and appraise your life and the world internally might feel utterly daunting and unnatural; but I'd be willing to bet on some level you already have an unshakable sense that to forever avoid looking within is a surefire path to one day realizing you've strayed from your own deepest values and insights—that you've applied yourself and your energies toward outcomes you don't even really care much about or believe in.

Remaining true to your core home while taking steps to follow your calling motivation blends the known with the unknown in a delicate balance that results in you living more and more as your best and most authentic self.

But that journey plays out a little differently depending on the direction your home and calling traits are pointed.

# Introverted Home/Extroverted Calling: Accept Yourself

If the core of what you are is directed within, then your most difficult lesson in life (to learn over and over on new levels) is self-acceptance.

In fact, living with dominant introverted traits means you've probably felt pressured since childhood to change and "be more of an extrovert."

That's because you were brought up in a world with systems set in place to help prepare you for success in industries and other established hierarchies where extroverted traits are known to thrive.

Introverted traits, on the other hand, highlight independent perspectives tinged by individuality and context.

As science blogger and editor, Anna LeMind, writes,

Society is constantly trying to impose certain thinking patterns on us, as well as to promote certain lifestyles and behaviors. Pop culture and mass media do everything to prevent people from critical thinking and expressing their uniqueness in any way. Those who don't conform are often considered odd and even dangerous.

Both school and advertising have trained you from a young age to excel at following instructions and abiding by norms.

The promise is that you can then later be chosen for top positions in organizations where you're given authority to make sure others do what they're told.

Marketing expert and author, Larry Kim, writes,

Twentieth-century Americans were bottle-fed on the importance of needing to prove themselves. Extroverts, with their brash and gregarious manner, were the golden children. Loud, proud, and ready to get things done, it was their time to shine.

But the world is changing, not that the extrovert's "time to shine" is over . . . and certainly not that there's anything wrong with having extroverted home traits, or with seeking success in industries and hierarchies.

It's just that today there are plenty of opportunities for those whose home traits are inward-focused to own the core of what they are in such a way that their particular values also get brought to life somewhere real in the world.

Journalist, Andrea Fisher, says,

Our time spent online fuels us with tons of accessible information—and ways to spread our ideas to the masses. In turn, the 21st century has become the time for the online extraverts.

I believe Fisher is saying those whose home traits are introverted now have avenues by which to effectively step out, expand, and apply their inward-focused awareness or reasoning—in other words, to follow their extroverted calling—without having to pretend to be something they're not for the sake of finding approval from authority figures.

Because I care a lot about helping people, I've often felt as though I'm supposed to be this outgoing cheerleader type who can brighten any room with my bubbliness and grin.

But adopting the sunny wardrobe, incessant chattiness, and magnanimous smile (at all costs) in order to radiate constant joy ironically keeps me from ever doing any real good for anyone.

There have been times when I've collapsed out of exhaustion in shame and either pent-up resentment or self-loathing for failing to perfectly occupy that outward-directed mold which I have trouble not believing is the only acceptable one for me.

Like many whose core traits are introverted, I've confused my calling for my home—I've felt my calling should be what I am instead of where I want what I am to be headed.

Whenever I fall into that trap, my calling becomes a tiring false persona instead of an inspiring guiding force.

I basically become Kal-El swearing off my alien powers and perspective in mad-dash attempts at saving the world solely through Clark Kent's easygoing, agreeable schtick.

But hidden untapped beneath my imposed compulsion to play the nice-guy hero is a source of power and value I have to keep learning not to ignore or take for granted: my home comfort zone introverted world of vision for perceived possibility.

In order to fulfill my motivational calling to benefit others, I must afford myself the time and space needed to notice, capture, and prepare my inward daydream visions for delivery.

Otherwise I'm just acting like a helper.

# Extroverted Home/Introverted Calling: Hear Yourself

Again, if the core of what you are is introverted, your first and ongoing mission in life is learning to accept yourself.

But if your home and comfort zone is directed without, then your biggest lesson is the importance of slowing down and detaching from what's going on around you enough to really hear yourself.

Let's return to Jolie for a moment.

Very much unlike me, Jolie naturally comes to life in her surroundings and environment.

She can enter any situation and simultaneously work every detail of the immediate to her advantage.

That's who she is.

But get anywhere close to her actual feelings or individual interpretation of values, and it's like watching a sports team's defensive line lock sharply and reflexively into play.

To avoid the discomfort of looking within, Jolie jumps back and forth between fun excitement (her dominant home trait, outward sensing) and hard-nosed, bottom-line thinking (another, lesser home trait for her, outward thinking).

Jolie is celebrated at work for the value those two extroverted components of her personality provide.

But what does Jolie really want?

What does she think is best or most important?

What are her next steps for growth?

Where does she want to see herself in 10-20 years?

To forsake the space needed for such questions to be duly pondered is to double-down in an extraverted comfort zone in order to block out the inconvenient voice of an introverted calling.

# Seeing Both Parts of You at Once

I could tell you story after story from my own life and the lives of others, but the fundamental patterns are the same.

That makes them recognizable.

And recognizing is really what's key, because the goal here is perspective.

Identify only with your core home, and you keep yourself from acknowledging and taking your own difficult yet necessary next steps for growth.

Identify only with your calling, and you find yourself stuck perpetually wearing a draining Halloween mask.

Every compelling quality you might feel drawn to build a workable identity around can be tied back to either your home or calling.

Again, resist the urge to reduce yourself to either one or the other.

You are your home guided by your calling, and both must work together so you can live more and more as your best and truest self.

For the rest of this series, we'll take steps back from personality specifics to re-ask some very basic questions about how your various home and calling values might be successful in using your life to exist in the world.

# Sources:

Fisher, Andrea. "How Digital Technology Is Creating a World of Introverts." Adweek – Breaking News in Advertising, Media and Technology, 3 July 2013,

Kim, Larry. "7 Reasons Introverts Now Rule the World." Inc.com, 5 Aug. 2014.

LeMind, Anna. "Why Being an Introvert in Modern Society Is a Gift." Learning Mind, 5 Mar. 2017.

# I and Why #1 (What Are You?)

A big part of my life has stayed the same for about the last 27 years.

No matter how rosy and upbeat things look, a dark pattern never stops repeating beneath the surface . . . a pattern I'm forced to recognize, painfully, over and over.

I hope sharing my pattern here with you will help me finally break it.

But I have to share carefully . . . starting with general feelings, and then building to narrow in on what the pattern actually is and what it means.

You see, what I'm always searching for is the best way to make the most of my life.

I know I'm not alone in that; many are motivated by personal development.

My constant drive is to figure out exactly how to be me . . . to be myself . . . as well as possible.

But a question I never ask is: Why?

Honestly, I take my "why" for granted.

I mean, press me on my reasons for wanting to be my best self, and I might work to string together something true and coherent.

The motivation has never left, so I'm quite familiar with how it feels: I have to be the best and do the best I can in the limited time I have, regardless of why.

But that sounds like such a happy aim, right?

So positive?

And that's where we come to my dark, hidden pattern...

For despite my lofty ideals for self-improvement, my steady driving force for growth never plays out in lived behavior.

Not for long.

My efforts never last.

And I've built and bought all the very clearest, most comprehensive plans to change.

I can't stress enough just how much work and time goes into those plans!

But my perpetual and ruthless accrual of perfect means manifests in only mediocre execution at best.

My plans fail to result in consistent actions, habits, and a lifestyle maintained through specific decisions made in the face of whatever contrary temptations and confusion.

The goal-to-plan-then-failure routine goes roughly the same way every time...

First, I see something good I believe I can be.

It could be anything . . . anything admirable at all . . . like maybe the calm way a colleague speaks in a meeting, the fun outlook a friend can maintain in trying times, the silent strength of a harrowing TV character, the quick simplicity of a random social media ad promise...

It's the purpose of every profession, the essence of any virtue, the culmination of whichever movie training montage...

It's basically whatever could be good or worthwhile at all.

I start off excited for the possibility, and prepare to make it real in my life.

I study for weeks and months, carefully laying out my steps, and taping fresh printouts to the fronts of brand new binders.

Then it's Day 1, and my focus lightning-bolts over to only all the ways my plan suddenly feels so forced, imbalanced, impractical, or otherwise not quite right.

The appeal shifts, and I get fixated on the next good quality I see.

My map for a best self adjusts.

And the most baffling part: It's been decades now, but I somehow still so wholeheartedly believe each new blueprint will finally be the one to stick and make all the difference.

I cling with the same complete and reckless abandon to whichever plan I'm forming, fully believing I've at last discovered the true unchanging nature of my real best "I" self to be.

It's so fun to build that "I" up in my mind . . . exhilarating.

Then something somewhere comes up short, and I recalibrate.

Even today, after countless restarts, I find myself 100% convinced the "I" plan currently dominating my perspective will be the one at last to snap everything I care about (every "why" I take for granted) into alignment in perfect outworking and undeniable progress from here on out.

Crazy, right?

Perhaps I'm stressing this point too much; I just need to make crystal clear to myself how deluded I am in this very moment . . . as I write . . . in that I'm in no way convinced I've fully faced, seen, and comprehended my ongoing, unproductive pattern of goal shifting and stagnancy.

I watched myself jump to my current "I" model earlier this week.

Before that, I'd spent months planning for another "I" . . . publically . . . in front of strangers . . . even making close friends promise to keep me accountable come Day 1.

I'll probably feel as strongly compelled as ever to leap to a new "I" as soon as I'm finished here.

Aaaaahhhhhhhh!!!!!!!

But I'm wondering now if the reason I rely so heavily on every new stab at identity is because I might have the fundamental order of "I" and "why" all wrong.

How about you?

Do you have trouble trying to figure out who you should be?

# What are You?

Are you an "I" looking to find yourself so you can live out your "why"?

Does "I" cause "why" or vice versa?

Fun Suesswellian poetry aside, let's break it down to the simplest of all mix-and-match puzzles:

A: "I"

B: "Why"

1: Reality

2: A story that makes sense of reality

It feels properly basic that A=1 and B=2 . . . that "I" is something real and knowable, making "why" an explanation of what "I" wants.

But is there anything about who you are or how you see yourself that's not tied directly to something in the outside world?

Anything at all?

Are there personality traits or qualities you could identify with that aren't measured, defined, and understood by a relationship to something or someone else?

As writes teacher and entrepreneur Lorenz Sell,

The relationship that I have with the people I know, the things I do, and the stuff I own paints a very inviting image of who I am. But what happens when I take those things away? Who am I then?

Again, take a moment to sit with the question: Is there anything distinct and knowable about you that's not connected to something outside of you?

The people you know . . . your conversations, how you feel toward each other, your intentions in the relationship...

The things you do . . . projects you work on, hobbies you enjoy, lessons you learn...

The things you own . . . your tools, toys, ideas...

What are you if not for those external things you consider and care about?

This same thought experiment is put well by Philosophy professor, Anthony Rudd, who says:

Consider the claim that the self stands apart from, and above, the stream of experiences, something that remains entirely unaffected by language acquisition, social relationships, major life events, personal commitments, projects, and values. Frankly, I don't see such a notion as being much in line with our understanding of who we are. There are conscious mental states—thoughts, sensations, emotional episodes, et cetera—but no self over and above this bundle of causally connected particular states.

Notice the key word here: "bundle."

What if the "I" self you're searching for so you can make the most of your life and time is really a sort of composite sketch of every outside force and factor merging in each moment to connect and contribute to your current experience and state?

In other words, what if "I" is a story based on all those driving and determining "why" forces you're influenced by?

This is a concept in philosophy called the Bundle Theory of self.

The Bundle Theory asks: What if there is no "I" without a "why"?

What if "why" causes "I," so "I" exists only in relation to "why"?

Before we go on, I want to clarify: Rudd and the Bundle Theory are not saying you have no self . . . that "I" doesn't exist, or doesn't matter.

The Bundle Theory doesn't write "I" off as unknowable or unimportant.

Not at all.

For Rudd goes on to explain,

Even if it is true that the personal self is "constructed" it does not follow that it is illusory. We normally perceive things in terms of our interests, needs, desires, projects, sympathies, and animosities. However, we can, in principle at least, step back from everything that makes us the personal individuals that we are and consider ourselves simply as perspectivally located subjects of experience.

You exist.

And you are what you are regardless of whether that can be best understood and approached as an "I" driven by a why, or a "why" explained by an "I."

# Your "I" Story

At your most fundamental level, you're an awareness taking place in a world . . . as Rudd puts it: a "perspectivally located subject of experience."

Your senses gather information automatically.

Your mind unconsciously perceives that information.

Your conscious [human] mind then goes to work on what you've perceived, forming it into concepts clear enough to consider later and even communicate with others.

Your concepts are your thoughts . . . the stories you tell yourself about how you think things are and why.

So, what sorts of things do you notice?

What do you pay attention to without having to try?

What do you care about?

What can't you stop thinking about?

The unique stories you tell yourself about the particular things you perceive can reveal specific "why" forces operating at the base of your being.

And when it comes to your thoughts . . . to the stories you tell yourself . . . it's important to note your conscious mind is never in the business of interrupting and challenging itself.

Quite the opposite.

You tend to hold to how you see things.

Even memories get filtered and woven together to fit your current perspective.

In fact, you identify so thoroughly with the stories you tell yourself that arguments against your beliefs feel like attacks on your very personhood.

Questioning the stories you tell yourself ignites aversion to the same dissipation to nothingness all beings strive against in interests of self-preservation.

So, you're essentially stuck believing your "I" story.

We'll come to see why being stuck might not have to be a problem.

But first, further defining the Bundle Theory of self, Award-winning science writer, Rita Carter, says:

Certain cognitive faculties—memory, self-recognition, consciousness, sensation, intention and action—are bundled together, giving us a sense of singular and continuous identity in a single stream of experience. Our "normal" sense of being a self anchored in one particular location and time, the concrete "me, here, now," is a creation of our brains and thus more fragile than it may seem. A slight shift in the way the brain processes information may destroy the comfortingly familiar feeling of being a single, continuous being.

Of course it makes total sense to reject and flea (violently) from this notion of "I" being but a fragile story created by weaving perception, thought, and memory together to make sense of every outside real "why" force.

The part doing the rejecting—the part that strives to bolster, protect, and identify at all costs with the stories you tell yourself—is called ego.

Your ego runs as deep as your awareness and thinking go.

And your ego never goes away.

Yes, you can begin to see ego at work as you come to recognize your attachment to your own perspective.

Such recognition is often described by practitioners of mindfulness, or by those who develop their capacity for objective reasoning to measure the stories they tell themselves as critically as they would other ideas.

But never forget: Ego is just as present and poised . . . just as prevalent and powerful . . . when you identify with insight into its workings as when you identify with any other trait or quality.

Though your mind might get blown (or something less dramatic) to see yourself as a "why" holding to a fragile, changeable "I" story, identifying with that new realization is still just as much holding to an "I."

So, ego is actually used and kept strong by any work you do to fight or quell its tendencies.

If that's the case, why does any of this matter?

If you can't eliminate ego or its drive to hold to how you see things, why attempt to recognize ego and its workings at all?

In other words: If seeing ego for what it is can't kill ego . . . but only gives it more to hold to . . . can such a change in perspective even be helpful?

Did we just break philosophy (and religion)?

No.

Imagine for a moment these words I'm delivering are a perfect representation of the ideas I'm working to capture and portray (they're not . . . they can't be . . . but let's pretend).

What you would have then is an exact portrayal of specific concepts . . . pictures previously shown on the screen of my mind, constructed from my unconscious perceptions.

And imagine I'm sharing this 100% accurate duplicate of reality in a way that fits and resonates perfectly with your particular perspective (again, though my ego loves this thought experiment, it can't actually be the case).

What you'd have would be an understood true rendition of an accurate reflection . . . a known perfect copy of a perfect copy.

Even the best story is still a story.

A story is not the events, objects, or ideas it relates.

The reason we've gone to such lengths to distinguish a self that transcends relationships with outside driving forces from a self that's simply an interpretation of those relationships is ego won't let your story just be a story.

Ego has you hold your imperfect, diluted, reflection-of-a-reflection picture of reality to be reality.

But realizing your perspective is in fact a copy-of-a-copy story causes your beliefs about yourself to change without you having to fight your ego (or anything else) at all.

# No Need to Fight

Coming back to my pattern of amassing designs for becoming a better me, all my plans rest on a shaky foundation of future effort . . . of sheer willpower to be employed from Day 1 on.

I'm always looking to force myself to change (soon) by changing my behavior.

That's working from the outside in . . . from how I think my life should look, to what I do, to what I believe about myself.

But when I see my perspective as a copy of a copy, my self-concept changes on its own.

Yes, I still grip my "I" self story as if clinging to life and existence.

My ego gets just as caught up in seeing itself getting caught up.

But my new perspective on myself isn't based on changed behavior.

So even while still being pulled into plans for what I should become in the future, I can also come back to now and see my next steps forward from where I am.

It's that process of returning and progressing that the rest of this series will center around.

# Sources:

Carter, Rita. "Fractured Minds." New Scientist. 13 September, 2003, Vol. 179 Issue 2412, p36-39.

Rudd, Anthony. "No Self?: Some Reflections on Buddhist Theories of Personal Identity." Philosophy East and West. 2015, Vol. 65, p869-891.

Sell, Lorenz. "Losing My Identity." The Huffington Post, 20 Aug. 2013.

# I and Why #2 (Values and Hindrances)

Let's say you read some cool personality test results that really seem to click.

Or maybe it's literature on your birth animal.

Well, what exactly is what you're reading clicking with?

What are you?

Personality tests and systems for understanding yourself highlight traits and qualities you identify with, contrasted with those you don't . . . using adjectives like: thoughtful, conservative, open, wild, empathetic, industrious, insightful, kind...

And all those aspects tie to things you tend to prefer to focus on (or ignore) in the outside world.

What's a thoughtful person thoughtful about?

What might one be open to?

Who are you empathetic toward?

So, while you look to traits and qualities in your search for your best "I" self to be, all such measures must tie back to external driving "why" forces, which show up, merge, interact, and conflict, compelling you in any number of directions.

You experience those "why" forces as specific values or sets of values wanting to use your life to exist more in the world.

# Driven By Values

To illustrate, imagine the following simple example of a common decision you have to make...

You've been talking with a friend on Skype for hours, and you realize you're hungry.

What will you eat?

Options occur to you.

And you could follow each option back to a specific food-related value.

The value might be enjoyment—you picture your delight at tasting something sweet or salty.

It might be temperature—it's a cold night, and you imagine the way a steaming bowl of soup will warm you from the inside.

Maybe it's health—you see yourself feeling energized and confident, your body well-fueled and ready to take life on.

For any decision, no matter how complex, it always comes back to priorities of values . . . to what seems more or most important to you.

And each value you're influenced by demands your full attention and focus.

Professor Anthony Rudd says of values,

I perceive things around me not just in abstract or neutral terms, merely as objects possessing certain properties, but rather as having significance for me. Those that have more significance are the things that stand out for me, while the others recede into the background. And this distinction of focus is a crucial part of perceptual experience; things are never just noted in an equal, even way. There is always a distinction between what is at the center of one's attention and what is on the periphery. The way I perceive the world, then, depends on my virtues and vices, the projects I undertake, and the kinds of things I value or despise.

# Vices and Hindrances

Note Rudd's mention of "virtues and vices . . . things I value or despise."

What do you despise?

How do your vices relate to your values?

If what you care about most is being your best self . . . making the most of your time and potential in this world . . . consider that the only measure you have to go by for how you're doing is your actions (your behavior).

So what you do . . . how you see yourself living . . . reveals the degree to which you rate your values as successful or unsuccessful in being brought to life through you.

Health professor at the University of Illinois, Dr. Shahram Heshmat, writes,

Fulfilled people are able to live a life true to their values and pursue meaningful goals.

With that in mind, reworking this notion of vices and things you despise: What's stopping your values from growing and existing more?

What's keeping you from living a fulfilling, meaningful life?

Those hindrances are the antagonists of every "I" story you tell yourself about yourself . . . adversarial obstructions, which take the form of character flaws, inconsistencies, limitations, contrary circumstances, compulsions, immaturities, obstacles, addictions...

For simplicity, all "I" story antagonists fit 2 basic categories: difficult and easy.

You see yourself as held back by either difficult circumstantial roadblocks, or easy consumptive substitutes.

Maybe you believe you lack the resources needed to accomplish your big dreams.

Or, you might think about all the changes you'd have to make in order to rise up to a life you've never known; and you're response is to submerge yourself in all manner of distracting consumption instead: taking in content, attention, substances, pitty...

In the end, both circumstances and substitutes are excuses and escapes.

Both serve only to keep you stuck.

When you get right down to values and hindrances, life's equation gets incredibly simple.

It's one or the other.

If you focus on your values and the good you want to experience, build, or become, then you're resourceful; you step out, try options, and measure which opportunities work best.

But if you focus on your problems and shortcomings, every obstacle seems insurmountable, every character flaw innate and infinite, and every reason to write off possibilities unavoidable.

This dichotomy of positive or negative directions in life is at the core of The Secret, anything in the realm of Law of Attraction, the Word of Faith movement, and a host of other personal development philosophies built on the idea that you ultimately move toward what you tend to set your mind on, good or bad.

And both consumption and production are perpetual.

But consumption gets less and less satisfying when it takes the place of production—when you use easy substitutes to escape difficult next steps toward living as meaningful a life as possible in the time you have.

# Stuck in Your State

How does this relate back to who and what you are?

Well, while your focus determines your direction (good or bad) your focus depends on your beliefs . . . particularly your beliefs about yourself, ie. the "I" self story you're ego convinces you to cling to for all your worth.

You consume as an excuse not to stretch and grow because you don't think growth is really possible, isn't right for you, you don't deserve it...

And seeing yourself consume gives more and more weight to your conviction that your flaws are insurmountable.

This of course leads to more negativity and consumption to further drown out the increasingly unbearable call of your suppressed values.

It's important to understand that your ego and conscious mind aren't actually working to take you anywhere new.

The stories you tell yourself about yourself are told to justify and fortify your current state.

Holding to the way you see things keeps you in stasis as you give yourself every reason to stay exactly where you are.

In that way, your "I" self stories are perpetual . . . while they're determined by your state, they also work to hold you to your state.

But remember how many times removed those conceptual-reflection stories are from the real "why" force values rendered up through unconscious perception.

How affected should what's real be by a copy of a copy?

How ironic for your values to be confined by your perspective as you justify every excuse or escape, settling for your current unfulfilled, limited, unhappy, negative state.

Renowned life coach, Tony Robbins, says,

80% of success is psychology, and 20% is mechanics. Most people are looking for the right strategy. But more often, you're missing the right story. The only thing keeping you from getting what you want is the story you keep telling yourself about why you don't have it. With a lousy story, you'll never find the strategy, or you'll come up with a reason why it's too expensive, you can't get there, you can't access it . . . or you'll even get the strategy and then half-ass apply it just so you can reward your story that says, "It doesn't work, because I tried it." When people's story changes, they can find and apply the right strategy, and then the third and most important thing changes: their state.

So, if you're stuck in your state because of the stories you tell yourself about why living by your values can't be possible, how can you start telling yourself a new story and break free?

How can you pick yourself up by the seat of your proverbial pants and convince yourself you're capable of doing what you've never seen yourself do before?

Is more willpower the answer?

Should you simply fight harder to feed yourself new beliefs, line-by-line, memorizing mantras and affirmations as rockets to boost your thought-patterns by sheer grit?

Should you shout at yourself words you know you don't really hold to be true?

No.

For while the values vs. hindrances equation is indeed incredibly simple in that your direction in life depends on your focus (your story) . . . telling yourself a new story begins with asking the same fundamental question we won't stop coming back to in this series: What are you?

Personality test results . . . or astrology/numerology readings . . . might feel like they hit so close to home.

But what's home?

What are they hitting close to?

What are you?

# Going Deeper

As we continue to uncover what it could mean for you to see yourself as a "why" clinging to an "I" story (instead of an "I" driven by a "why") we'll come to find that what you see as hindrances to your values aren't really hindrances at all.

And once your hindrances stop being hindrances, the path forward then becomes not to fight or run from how you see things, but to go down even deeper into the details of your "I" story.

In the old days, villagers had several responses ready for when an approaching forest fire was detected.

Sometimes, the only course to safety was to preemptively set the whole village and surrounding lands ablaze so there would be nothing left to burn once the coming fire arrived, providing a safe place to hide.

See yourself for what you are, and the specifics of your "I" story can actually be your way of escaping the very limitations that story cites and accounts for.

# Sources:

Heshmat, S. "Science of Choice." Psychology Today. 8 December, 2014.

Rudd, Anthony. "No Self?: Some Reflections on Buddhist Theories of Personal Identity." Philosophy East and West. 2015, Vol. 65, p869-891.

Success Resources Australia. "Tony Robbins Live at the National Achievers Congress, Sydney 2015 ." 16 April, 2015, https://youtu.be/0RuzE6Zmn8o

Zacks CleverNetworker. "Tony Robbins Solve Your Inner Conflict ." 14 February, 2013, https://youtu.be/4JIzngH9UBQ

# I and Why #3 (Framing Your Story)

I don't think you need to take a personality test.

But there's something I love about all personality tests and systems.

For me, it's finding and embracing in the results a version of myself that feels very accurate and comfortable.

Every reading, test, disclosure, or assessment, brings me back to identify (again) as something of a flaky idealist type who cares about others and means well.

I find such blueprints easiest to adopt.

But well-meaning flakes are limited in obvious ways.

So, before long, the comfort and ease I feel in identifying with what comes most natural crosses against a rising compulsive pressure to fling myself toward opposite ideals.

I'm driven to make up for what I lack.

So I fight to turn myself into the sort of person who takes what he wants in the moment, or who can effectively measure plans and results.

Nine years ago, my daytime gig could basically be summed up as paying close attention . . . listening in to clients, while at the same time keeping track of a growing collection of useful communications I could deliver in conversation by tying those communications back to the clients' needs.

I loved being right there in the middle . . . bridging feelings and concerns with timely content.

Nothing could probably feel as effortless or like a better fit for me career-wise.

But then every night I found myself staring lost at blank screens, failing to will myself to write whatever I was convinced someone who fancied himself a wannabe writer should be producing.

Countless times, I tried launching into various stories and other projects.

But nothing stuck.

It all felt forced and fake . . . something extra to be added, instead of something there to be uncovered and settled into.

As the months wore on, I railed against the notion that trying to identify as one pragmatic and driven to create off the top of my head might simply not fit within the realm of my personality and potential . . . at least not directly.

That's just one instance.

The same pattern has repeated for decades . . . that dark, ugly identity crisis trap I've been attempting to narrow in on and show throughout this series.

It's like I shift back and forth between accepting what's innate, and forcing what's foreign . . . between resting in what all personality tests point to, and fighting to embody what none would.

I remember catching a glimpse of myself in a mirror one day many years ago, and realizing I looked as good as I'd ever looked.

So I was a little confused by how much I hated my reflection.

I began to wrestle with suicidal thoughts.

I then watched my mind leap for the nth time to plan out how I'd change.

But even while already mentally mapping every detail of my next persona to embody, there I stood still staring back . . . incomplete, limited, and fully dissatisfied with all I'd ever been.

The dissatisfaction remains.

So, am I doomed to spend forever failing to live up to "I" ideals that feel like a grueling sludge . . . then falling back to traits and qualities every personality theory affirms (those I take to like a fish to water)?

Or does being honest with myself about what I am mean accepting a life of peace, love, and intuitive vision, but stifled ambitions and little outward success?

Let me ask those same questions another way: Since nothing about my painful back-and-forth cycle has really changed, how did I go from failing to write night after night to living now as a working writer who can at least see long-term enough to gradually garner real results?

Was it simply willpower in forcing myself to stick to an "I" regimen that flew in the face of every test and methodology combined?

Was it some hybrid model—a course built on combining the easily accessible and prevalent with hard work and dedication to its opposite?

No.

In fact, I tried all of those approaches, and whatever else I could imagine.

But no map for "I" or "why" has kept me from looping the same old circles . . . still getting just as excited for whichever new plan I'm firmly convinced will finally be the one.

So, what happened?

What changed?

Nothing . . . and everything.

Glimpsing all the way down to the evolving clash of "why" values at the base of my experience has not erased my fixation on the details of whichever plan I'm committed to.

My ego continues to push me to cling relentlessly to how I see things.

But along with feeling as locked as ever into the current rendition of my "I" story, seeing ego and my perspective for what they are helps me also step back to look at my life more as a whole.

That's when I see my painful pattern for what it is.

It's the first time I see both sides . . . either forcing something missing, or falling back to settle for what's latent but limited.

# Seeing Both Sides At Once

Seeing your life as a whole, while still clinging to how you see things now, can be your key to incorporating all conflicting parts for growth and progress instead of further fracturing and frustration.

Any good system for understanding personality doesn't just get you to the parts of you that feel most natural, comfortable, effective...

A useful system also teaches you to integrate and have a good relationship with your weaknesses and limitations.

I believe the combined approaches to personality we've dug into are not only sufficient for framing both what you have and what you lack, but they can also serve as effective bridges to reach any other framework you might come across.

We saw how personality theories based on repeatable observations have the benefit of "working both ways" in that as well as reading your story (or someone else's) into a given system, you can also make system-based predictions just by observing behaviors and preferences.

Get someone's birthdate, read them their astrology chart, and they might find much there to connect with (hopefully awakening and bolstering unconscious hopes for possibilities).

Still, could you ever guess a person's birth chart from observing how they live?

But watch the way someone tends to take in information, to interact with others and their surroundings, to express themselves, to spend their time and make decisions, and you can fairly easily recognize which Myers-Briggs or Big Five Model traits and qualities best frame those behaviors.

Again, the benefit with systems like MBTI and Big Five over astrology is you can make accurate predictions about how a person will act, what will likely frustrate them, what they're probably hoping for, how to best communicate with them...

But regardless of whether you frame your "I" story with apophenetic divination or a system grounded in scientific observation, all personality frameworks prove equally limiting if you hold to your "I" self story as more than a story.

# Story or Prescription?

If "I" is fundamental and real, than any framework you use to understand yourself becomes a prescription to be locked into and lived out from.

Whether the prescription says you shouldn't date fixed sun signs, or that your preference for deep cumulative insight renders you unable to really get lost in endless possibilities for fun in the world around you, you're automatically confined to the prescription's particulars.

But if you see yourself as a collage of "why" forces explained by an "I" story, then whatever framework you use to understand yourself shifts automatically from being a fixed prescription to an imperfect description . . . at best a helpful way to understand a true reflection of an accurate copy of an ultimately unknowable, unpredictable set of fundamental forces.

I mean, how dogmatic should you really be about a structure supporting a reflection of a copy of [changing] reality?

So, if you're stuck in your head . . . maybe imprisoned by the prescription of a personality framework that once ignited your hopes for a better future . . . how can you find your way out?

Well, as we'll see next time: When your fixed prescription framework becomes a flexible description, even those personality traits or qualities any test or system would show as lacking can begin to be approached and employed without force.

The bottom line: No perceived limitation or hindrance to your values ever has to set a boundary on what you are or can become.

# I and Why #4 (Neuroticism)

Anyone familiar with the Big Five qualities of personality will realize we missed one of the five in our research.

That missing quality is called neuroticism.

Neuroticism is ongoing mental and emotional unrest that makes it difficult to cope with stress, so even the smallest issues of everyday life bring bouts of anxious tension, anger, and a generally negative outlook.

Neuroticism both stems from and enhances feelings of sadness, dejection, and discouragement.

Psychology researcher, Courtney Ackerman, breaks neuroticism into 2 components that should sound quite familiar, writing,

The anxiety and self-consciousness component of neuroticism was negatively correlated with achievement values, while the hostility and impulsiveness components of neuroticism relate positively to hedonism (or seeking pleasure without regards to the long-term and with a certain disregard for right and wrong) and negatively to benevolence, tradition, and conformity.

Consider this breakdown in light of your own values, and of what you see as hindrances to those values existing more in and through your life.

Does Ackerman's "anxiety and self-consciousness component of neuroticism" not perfectly describe and illustrate the belief that difficult circumstantial roadblocks are keeping you from living the life you want?

Likewise, is "seeking pleasure without regards to the long-term" not precisely what falling to easy consumptive escapes (in place of striving to grow) looks and feels like?

So, neuroticism has everything to do with settling . . . with being convinced your deepest hopes aren't actually possible.

And as we look a little closer, we'll see it's not the pressing circumstantial anxieties or hedonistic distractions that are holding you back, but your belief in them.

Your hindrances aren't really hindrances . . . you're just convinced they are.

# How Could a Hindrance Not Be a Hindrance?

Let's return to the simple example of deciding on something to eat.

So, you're hungry.

You can't eat everything, which means you have to choose.

Options occur to you.

What makes this scenario a good stand-in for all decisions is it's easy to see a dichotomy where food choices based on taste, feel, or ease are "bad" hindrances to "good" choices based on the value of health.

But are pleasure and convenience not also values?

You could see all forms of fun as "bad" hindrances to the clear "good" of hard work.

But never resting or enjoying yourself winds you up tight into a bitter, cranky, arrogant shell who carries the world on your shoulders and resents everyone else.

And here we come to the crux of the problem...

Buried beneath neurotic beliefs aren't the dark, evil obstructions to your values you see, but repressed alternative values you simply can't appreciate or even recognize for what they are because of ego and the "I" self story you're convinced of.

# Your Shadow

To you, those "missing" values represent a lack in your life as unbearable as nothingness and dissipation . . . what Carl Jung calls "the shadow."

Your shadow haunts you from where it lies hidden beneath the veneer of every trait, quality, or aspect opposite those you find easiest to identify with.

Your relationship with your shadow is anything but easy and comfortable.

Approaching or attempting to live by any of your shadow values becomes a lurching mess of self-righteous resistance punctuated by bouts of shameful relinquishment.

These leaps are always sudden and compulsive, rising from dissatisfaction and unrest.

Diets that verge on self-mutilation cross over into regretful nights of succumbing to the drive-through window or ice-cream freezer.

And thus we come to a question we've been building to this whole series: How can you be what you are and also what you're not (so as to be the best you that you can be)?

# Values and Their Shadows

Life coach Tony Robbins describes inner conflicts between values and their shadows this way:

If you're not getting what you want in life, it's because you've got inner conflicts. You take 2 steps forward, and pull 3 steps back. You say, "I'm totally committed to this," but then you don't follow through. Maybe you want to be totally successful, but you're also afraid at some level if you're totally successful you won't be loved. Or you might want to be in a position where you have total free time, but you also want to build a billion dollar enterprise. You could know you've got the tools and talents to make it happen, but then a part of you doesn't think you deserve to succeed because of something you did at some point. These are inner conflicts between fighting parts.

Again, the fighting parts are various values interacting as you search for who and what you should be in order to make the most of your time, energy, experience, life...

So let's quickly go through each of the traits we covered earlier, highlight the values behind that trait, explore how neuroticism interprets "hindrances" to those values, and then unveil how those hindrances are actually competing shadow values.

Ready?

First, conscientious inward (introverted) sensing . . . awareness of your own experience and what's worked for you before . . . values productivity, efficiency, predictability, safety, and the careful, efficient use of resources.

The same actually holds true for outward (extraverted) "results-oriented" thinking.

In the face of such values, neuroticism rears its ugly head to blow every potential threat and uncertainty out of proportion in irrational, hypochondriatic dread.

Inward sensors and outward thinkers detest the idea of wildcards, outliers, and unknown variables.

This is Batman—an introverted sensor and extroverted thinker—whose response to the anomaly of a Superman is to say, "If we believe there's even a one percent chance that he is our enemy we have to take it as an absolute certainty."

If your "I" self story is that of a practical, pragmatic rule-follower, then neuroticism parades anything unproven, risky, or wasteful as evil . . . something you must stay diligent to keep yourself above.

But how long before a life of pure order and task completion leaves a vast gaping void in your soul?

Where's all your hard work leading?

What's it all for if you never enjoy the fruits of your labor?

Shadow values of fulfillment, fun, and freedom start to lurk, tempting you until at times you fall into their grip and lunge poorly and ineffectually toward compulsive release.

Afterwards, you immediately make the very best plans to avoid such frivolity from here on out.

And those plans hold until you're again possessed.

Next, we come to outward (extroverted) sensing and outward intuition . . . awareness of how the world around you is, and how it could be.

Those who can most easily identify with either form of extroverted perception value openness, novelty, and limitless possibility.

This is Jack Skellington launching his town with sheer wonder and abandon into a wholly unrealistic pursuit (to become Christmas instead of Halloween) as a way of escaping the boredom of his old routine.

Neuroticism is always right there with depressing reminders of how full indulgence in whatever new, next pursuit seems most promising also ultimately leaves a lack of consistent progress made in any direction.

You find yourself grimly terrified by images of a chaotic life flashing by unfulfilled with nothing lasting or meaningful to show for all its varied motion.

And though your spirits feel crushed whenever exciting opportunities must give way to necessary realities of boring, forgettable, day-by-day routines, you haphazardly, grimly push yourself to embody shadow practices such as buckling down and staying consistent.

But once all luster gets duly zapped, you release yourself to leap out and redirect your efforts once again.

When we look at both introverted and extroverted intuition . . . inner and outer awareness of possibilities and underlying meanings . . . we find the value of glimpsing fresh insight to potentially benefit humanity.

And the key word there might be "potentially."

For all intuitives are bound at times by the abject horror of only seeing what could be, but never turning their vision into anything real.

Neuroticism writes off intuition as lofty, impractical pipe dreams.

You fear drifting through life as a detached alien seer, dissociated from both body and environment.

Dreading a future with your head stuck in the clouds but feet connected to nothing, you launch yourself, flailing and feeble, into shadow identities built around being present and grounded in the immediate.

But affected edges prove less than skin deep . . . and before long you retreat back to your comfortable headspace of only looking beneath, behind, and ahead.

Both forms of introverted conception . . . inward thinking (considering facts and reason for its own sake) and inward feeling (considering what people find worthwhile) . . . value new and open understandings of reality.

But neuroticism fixates on humanity's innate unwillingness to think beyond the confines and consequences of what it knows already.

Inward thinkers feel a hellish detachment in their carefully measured worlds of endless detailed reasoning no one ever seems to want to follow along with.

The shadow of an inward thinker's block-of-caveat explanations shows up reflected back in the glazed-over eyes of their hearers/readers bored from the get-go . . . populations seemingly entrenched in frivolous politics, useless small-talk, and strange interpersonal nuance.

After enough instances of failing to connect via pure reason, the inward thinker acquiesces to awkwardly berating their community with cringy fake (shadow) smiles everyone sees immediately as just . . . wrong.

For inward feelers, despite their ambition to stand for love, peace, and dignity, neuroticism loves to berate them with the facts of their worldly helplessness and impracticality.

An inward feeler might leap reflexively to some sort of shadow management role, only to soon find they hate everything about measuring whatever and whoever by use.

Besides, inward feelers are especially averse to living inauthentically.

So both the inward thinker and inward feeler succumb to living alone in mental worlds no one else can ever really know.

Both inward and outward feeling . . . conceptualizing about human values and how people are doing . . . value harmony in the collective achievement of what each individual finds worthwhile.

But for the extroverted feeler, neuroticism speaks up as bitter resentment for giving life, time, energy, and experience away, living below your personal potential for the sake of everyone else (since no one seems to notice or care in the least).

There is perhaps no more detectable a shadow than that of the agreeable outward feeler once you reach the end of your rope in working to help others live well at your expense.

You lash out in hurtful comments and actions, demanding your own self worth and fulfillment.

But your bitterness and anger soon turn inward, and you despise yourself for losing control and failing to show the world only the nice person you believe yourself to be.

So, for all personality types, shadow values show up in reactionary attempts to make up for all that neuroticism shows as [painfully] lacking.

# Points on a Circle

In reality, values and their shadows are connected like points on a circle.

Shadow values feed into and complete one another, so that the effective pursuit of any value ends up resulting in and relying on its opposite.

Only diligent work earns what you find most fun or meaningful.

New possibilities have to filter down into routines.

Visionary insight reveals something to be made tangible and experiential.

Abstract truth must be connected to what humans find important in order to be understood.

Following your heart involves measured, sequential steps set in place.

Being a hero for others requires a strong and stable foundation of self-satisfaction.

But how?

Again, how can you be what you are and also what you're not?

The answer partly depends on which chapter of your "I" self story you're stuck on.

Right now, are you releasing your life with ease to values and traits that come natural to you?

Are you pained to see everything those easy aspects lack?

Are you leaping to something foreign that's really a shadow knee-jerk response?

In any case, attempting to live off of a fixed blueprint based on whichever value(s) currently hold your attention quickly leads to a state of unacceptable imbalance.

Still, it's not like you can fully follow the leading of all your values (and their shadows) at once, right?

You can only ever give your focus to maybe a few driving "why" forces at a time . . . even though they each vie for your full attention and commitment.

You have to choose.

Next time we'll complete this series by laying out exactly what that choice entails.

# Sources:

Ackerman, C. "Big Five Personality Traits: The OCEAN Model Explained." PositivePsychology.com, 11 July. 2019.

Success Resources Australia. "Tony Robbins Live at the National Achievers Congress, Sydney 2015 ." 16 April, 2015, https://youtu.be/0RuzE6Zmn8o

Zacks CleverNetworker. "Tony Robbins Solve Your Inner Conflict ." 14 February, 2013, https://youtu.be/4JIzngH9UBQ

# I and Why #5 (Your Art Form)

If how I choose to spend my time shows what I love most, then I must be most in love with making plans.

Next to me right now sit stacks of notebooks, the pages crammed with blue, black, and red scratched tables and schedules replete with action items and due dates.

But if you were to watch me frantically fill those pages, you'd see anything but love on my face.

Biting nails and running anxious fingers hard through hair, I war against math to slash down time so I can force whatever next big extra pursuit into an added row or column.

And you should see how much more worked up and tense I get once it's Day 1, and that new activity is supposed to start.

Some of those additions have been:

* Start 4 YouTube channels (5 if I start a band)

* Start a freeform live-stream on religion.

* Start a fitness/meditation Meetup.

* Start a band and commit to writing songs every night.

I think by now, all the pieces of my painful identity crisis pattern should be obvious.

It always begins at the place I'd give anything to leave . . . those values, goals, actions, and priorities I find boring, take for granted, and would never have to add to any list (because they've always been just . . . there).

For me, it's things like doing this right now . . . rolling around and writing out pieces of ideas that have existed quietly beneath every surface of my consciousness, slowly collecting the dust of fresh intuition through the years.

You might take completely different pursuits for granted . . . maybe more like the ones I always push to add: top-of-the head discussions, detailed event planning, loud and gregarious expressions...

My pattern gets fully sprung into motion when I think thoughts like:

But who's going to take the time to read or hear my ideas, anyway? I need to put myself out there more directly by ___________ (the way so-and-so does it), or nothing I'm doing will ever mean anything. I need to make myself more like ___________.

Driven to force shut what feels like a gaping hole, I leap to a plan for becoming what I'm not.

Then time goes by, and I drown myself in pressures to stay diligent.

I bury my feelings, forsake my joys, go through motions in relationships, and do any and everything I can just to make myself into everything I've never normally been.

But before long, I unravel, let go, and fall back down to that limited self I can't stand being.

It happens over and over.

It happened last week.

What hope do I have it won't happen tomorrow?

# Home and/or Calling

We've referred to those values and traits you most naturally, easily identify with as your "home."

And we've called opposite, shadow traits your "calling."

What's never obvious is how to embody both home and calling, or choose between them, or find a good balance.

Psychology professor, Dr. John D Mayer, writes,

Our personality is the sum of our mental processes; its job is to integrate our mental energy with our capacity, and to help us express ourselves in our surroundings. Seeing ourselves clearly isn't always easy. Information about who we are is "hot" and emotionally charged—that heat can warm or scald us. We may focus on a personal flaw so much that we lose perspective on the broader contours of life. It's easy to turn away at times, and indeed, we all do.

Again, it's attempting to lock down the exact details of what you are that keeps you from integrating your mental processes in your environment, as Mayer puts it.

That's a deep, deep irony due much pondering and repeating...

Holding dogmatically to your current assessment of yourself imprisons you to plans and ideals instead of freeing you to live by your underlying, evolving sequence of values in each moment.

When Mayer speaks of information about who you are being "hot and emotionally charged" to where flaws and shortcomings get blown out of proportion, causing you to "lose perspective on the broader contours of life," you could summarize that as being convinced you need to work very hard to imbibe and embody your calling values.

That's because your calling values represent a place where you believe your latent inequities and inabilities will be made up for or redeemed.

Fueled by dissatisfaction and unrest, you launch yourself into attempts at becoming what comes least natural to you, desperate for fulfillment and resolution.

Then you crash and burn, and get forced in one way or another to relinquish your death grip on your own perspective.

You limp and stumble back . . . crushed, humbled, defeated, broken . . . to those boring home traits and values you're so familiar with because they're been there from the beginning, working through your life in subtle, steady, unexciting ways.

Before long, something else shiny and appealing presents itself...

Now, every personality system, scientific or otherwise, should work to help you frame and understand both your home and calling traits.

But those systems become traps when you use them as prescriptions for predicting exactly how pursuing your home and calling values must play out.

So, am I saying there is no answer . . . that you just can't know how to incorporate conflicting, competing aspects of yourself?

Completing his quote from last time on inner conflicts between values, life coach Tony Robbins concludes:

So what do you do? You identify the conflicts. You get clear what they are. You get clear about what's most important to you today, not what you think you should do based on an old blueprint. Once you identify the conflicts, and align your life with what you really value—with what is most important to you—then you'll take action, and you won't even have to work at it. When everything is in alignment, you'll go for it.

# Building Without A Blueprint

When Robbins says, "identify the conflicts . . . get clear what they are," your ego jumps to double-down on whatever you already think is "most important to you today."

And bolstering your current perspective that way feels like being honest with yourself.

But it's really just running the same lines over and over in your head, or in the mirror.

The "old blueprint" of "what you think you should do" is actually any fixed blueprint for an "I" self you could be trying to live from . . . any set prioritization of home and/or calling at all.

So, how can you "align your life with what you really value" without building off a blueprint?

How can you live by both your home and calling without a prescription based on predetermined priorities?

Teacher and entrepreneur, Lorenz Sell, says,

Losing identity is really about finding one's true self. By accepting that I am not limited by any notion of identity, I liberate myself to just be me. Right here, right now, I am choosing my identity by how I am choosing to spend my time. In this very moment I am creating myself and this is my identity.

I call the vehicle for living freely by your values in the moment your art form.

And your art form begins at your boring core home . . . the place completely unique to you where the things you consistently notice and think about intersect with pursuits you find you can make progress in without really having to try.

Yes, your art form begins at home . . . but it doesn't end there.

As writes health professor, Dr. Shahram Heshmat,

Identity formation is a matter of "finding oneself" by matching one's talents and potential with available social roles. The first task is discovering and developing one's personal potentials. These personal potentials refer to those things that the person can do better than other things.

I like how Dr. Heshmat refers to "discovering and developing" what you "can do better than other things" as "the first task."

You must first accept what comes naturally and easily before you can begin to understand and navigate its shadow.

What returning home does . . . whether it's by choice, or when forced to after another failed attempt at making yourself into what you're not . . . is it brings your perspective back from every lofty future plan and ideal to right now, in this present moment.

Finding or re-finding (or re-re-finding) the foundation of your art form by admitting to yourself which core values have been there all along behind the scenes doesn't erase your ceaseless urgency to tie yourself to the stories you tell yourself about everything you think you should be.

But returning home automatically helps you expand those stories.

For you see how far you've come.

You see the progress your taken-for-granted home values have made already in using your life to exist.

And you see what must come next.

Renowned psychologist, Abraham Maslow, writes,

I think of the self-actualizing man not as an ordinary man with something added, but rather as the ordinary man with nothing taken away. The average man is a human being with dampened and inhibited powers.

Again, the source of your powers is your home.

Living with "nothing taken away" is letting your core home values continue to develop until they eventually come to occupy the space of their calling shadows when complete.

Simply acknowledging and returning to that place where what you've always cared about meets what you're naturally best at shifts your perspective back and down from what's [still] missing to focus instead on what's been there working all along.

It's a shift from harsh pressure to grace and ease.

# Seeing Your Next Steps

Of course letting go of any plan or blueprint for a best "I" self is never easy.

In fact, letting go feels like death; for it's watching a potential life crumble to nothing before ever becoming real.

But the time, energy, or money you put into planning for that "I" self isn't wasted.

For the calling values behind any plan for making yourself into what you're not can show you exactly where you want to go from where you are.

No, you never see the whole journey, and that's the point.

But there again at the foundation of your art form, where you see and appreciate the progress your most important and innate traits and abilities have made in your life thus far, your calling reveals the next steps those values are guiding you to take . . . steps in the direction of your shadow and everything you've never seen yourself be before.

Your ego never stops driving you to attach to detailed instructions for everything to come, where, when, with whom...

But such is anathema to your art form.

You can never reach your calling by trying to approach (or become) your shadow values directly, even as Dr. Heshmat continues,

To choose a purpose not compatible with our capabilities is a recipe for frustration and failure.

Your home values' purpose is to complete themselves as they close the loop and resolve into their shadow opposites.

And that journey can only play out one instance and decision at a time.

Ever returning to exactly where you are and what comes next, unknown specifics do gradually get filled in.

You never have to fight against your ego or how you see things.

With each next step you watch yourself take, your perspective on yourself and everything else widens and deepens on its own . . . in needed yet unpredictable ways . . . without you ever having to try.

Human Development professor, Ellen Santora, says,

Identity formation is a continual process of negotiating and resolving conflicts between previously integrated and new experiences. By re-experiencing the past in light of the present and with a perspective on the future, one is able to see one-self anew and come to a fresher, more-integrated understanding of how events and experience continually interact to redefine who one is.

No, ego never stops compelling you to give your whole life over to your current "I" self story.

But your art form sets you ever freer to recalibrate and accept the current priorities of your underlying "why" values as they move, compete, and develop however they must throughout your lifetime.

As Neuroscience and Psychology professor, Jason Castro, writes,

Even after the genetic die are cast at conception, and after the bulk of the neural scaffolding is laid down in early life, the brain maintains a trickle of raw potential through its ability to grow a limited number of new neurons. Our lives are a work in progress. If we're indeed living out a kind of tape, then it seems to be one in which the tracks can be tweaked as they're read, even if they're rather deep. As your brain is shaped by the choices you make, there is room for chance and noise – room for you to be unique.

# Your Story Changes On Its Own

I cling tight to how I see my life going because I want to be the best version of myself.

I know there must be more to me than just the parts I've seen work well before.

But I never know how what I am should resolve into what I'm not.

No amount of hype or scrounging of will seems capable of effectively rewriting my essence and turning me into someone who can do what's always been most difficult for me.

But my art form brings me home to where I see how far I've come.

Then I'm able to step out and onward in faith.

Over time, taking only each next unveiled step, I learn to stay open to seeing how my best-laid plans might be rewritten ever better day-by-day.

I watch myself go from tight and confined to resourceful, experimenting with different options that seem in line with where my home values want me to go next . . . then tracking how each works in order to always get a better sense of how my deepest, life-long values might want to continue to be excavated and made whole.

There's no exact map, blueprint, or plan that will hold true for me forever.

Instead, there's just that host of compelling, unpredictable "why" forces, each wanting to exist.

As I seek to make sense of my values via whichever "I" self story I cling to, my art form brings me back to what's most important, prevalent, comfortable...

And then as I step onward and upward into the unknown, my story changes.

# Sources:

Castro, J. "Where Does Identity Come From?" Scientific American. 28 May. 2013.

Heshmat, S. "Science of Choice." Psychology Today. 8 December, 2014.

Hoffman, E. "Reach Your Peak." Positive Thinking. 2008, p52-57.

Mayer, J. D. "Know Thyself." Psychology Today, February. 2014.

Santora, Ellen Durrigan. "Social Studies, Solidarity, and a Sense of Self." (2003).

Sell, Lorenz. "Losing My Identity." The Huffington Post, 20 Aug. 2013.

Success Resources Australia. "Tony Robbins Live at the National Achievers Congress, Sydney 2015 ." 16 April, 2015, https://youtu.be/0RuzE6Zmn8o

Zacks CleverNetworker. "Tony Robbins Solve Your Inner Conflict ." 14 February, 2013, https://youtu.be/4JIzngH9UBQ

# A Final Note

Let's say this book you just finished reading or hearing follows every conscious thought I had during the years of my struggles with identity and feeling so stuck in life.

Well, that conscious component is still only about 10% of the experience . . . 10% of what it was like having to learn who and what I am.

The remaining 90% . . . the unconscious bedrock underneath . . . comes out on its own in my story, Stripped and Sold for Parts:

Stripped and Sold for Parts is a spiritual memoir where concepts like identity are given some fairly high stakes as characters must learn what it means to be human in a world on the verge of massive change.

Finally, if my work means something to you, please consider giving a donation by clicking on the hat:

I want to always give away everything I make, so I do rely on the support I receive from those who find what I do valuable.

Sharing is also incredibly helpful.
