CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Good evening and welcome
to Have I Got News For You.
I'm Alexander Armstrong.
In the news this week, on his way
to the Beijing National Museum,
it's a bad day for the driver
transporting soldiers
from the priceless
2,000-year-old Terracotta Army.
In Somerset, there's a possible
explanation as to why construction
of Hinkley C Nuclear Power Station
is two years behind schedule.
And despite more criticism
for its continued production
of unethical tuna,
the chief executive of John West
tries to relax on holiday.
On Ian's team tonight
is a former banker
who became a professional comedian,
so successful she's now laughing
all the way from the bank.
Please welcome Sindhu Vee.
APPLAUSE
And with Paul tonight is a Labour MP
who is also a member of
the Labour Friends of Israel.
Not sure who the other one is.
Please welcome Jess Phillips MP.
CHEERING
And we start with the biggest
stories of the week.
Ian and Sindhu, here is yours.
Well, that's the President
coming home from a war zone.
That's Boris putting
the laptop away quickly,
and that's the uranium.
The deal's been ripped up. Yes.
Trump's diplomacy
has reached new heights.
He's convinced one nuclear power
he's bonkers and now he's moving on.
But he said it was a bad deal
and the Iranians
were cheating on it anyway.
It is a bad deal,
but, again, everyone knew that.
This very complex deal between
Iran and the rest of the world is,
we give them a shed load of money
and they don't blow us up
with weapons.
It's a very, very simple deal. Yeah.
If you take the money away,
then they probably will. Yeah.
And Trump has decided
it's worth the risk.
It's a new world.
Do you think he was maybe won over
by the Israeli Prime Minister's
thoughtful presentation?
There we are.
JESS: So funny!
He looks like he's in
a sixth form or something.
Or a very bad
optician's office. Yeah!
He has this idea, I think, that
there can only be that much amount
of nuclear stuff going on,
so North Korea have shut down,
so this side have to start up.
One in, one out.
I think that's his policy.
What did the Iranian President say?
Well, he said, which shows that
we're dealing with a moderate regime
that's very thoughtful,
he said, "Death to America!"
He also said...
That's the Persian acronym for the
Joint Comprehensive Plan of Action,
but Barjam sounds
so much better, doesn't it?
So, with the growing threat
of nuclear conflict
in the Middle East...
And Boris, that's the important bit.
Yes. That Britain really matters
on the world stage. Yeah.
We're in good hands there.
We're in good hands.
We sent Boris over to persuade
the President not to do it.
Yes, but he only appeared
on a television programme
that he knew the President watches.
Called Sesame Street.
And he was suggesting
that he perhaps should win
the Nobel Peace Prize.
Do you want to have a look at that?
If he can fix the Iran nuclear deal,
then I don't see why
he's any less of a candidate
for the Nobel Peace Prize
than Barack Obama,
who got it before
he even did anything.
I mean, he has got a point.
He has got a point. It's rather
desperate, though, isn't it?
Have they posed that picture
to show what he would look like
if he was a building?
Anything else Boris has been up to?
Oh, well, we don't know, do we?
While he was over there?
There's legal agreements
stopping us...
He's also been walking
along a corridor
with Secretary of State Mike Pompeo.
Is that newsworthy?
I think so. Let's have a look.
Wonderful to see you.
Great to see you, Mike.
Great to have you here.
Thank you for making time.
These are important times. They are.
Thank you very much for being here.
Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you, all. Thank you.
LAUGHTER
But he met Ivanka Trump
as well, didn't he? He did.
So he didn't meet the President
but he met the President's daughter,
which, for Boris, is probably a win.
According to The Times...
Where has it shipped it to?
Is it Salisbury? I don't know!
I just wonder who's got it.
Donald Trump feels his integrity
is very much on the line
with this decision.
How did he round off his speech on
the cra... The crapping of the deal!
I'll do that part again.
How did he round off his speech
on the scrapping of the deal?
You were right
the first time, I think.
He said...
I mean, to be fair, when it comes to
election promises, he mostly does.
Even his harshest critics at the
New York Times admit he has enacted
or tried to enact 75% of his
election promises in the first year.
Although Hillary is still at large.
He's been threatening sanctions.
Who were the first to suffer,
slightly closer to home?
Us. Yes. Not...
Well, yes, less close to home.
A little bit further from home.
Scotland? Yes. Who in Scotland?
Aberdeen.
Mr and Mrs Jake McTavish.
Exactly right! Golfers.
Of 27 Arbroath Terrace. Golfers.
Something to do with Irn-Bru.
The golfers of Scotland.
Irn-Bru golf course. This is
at Trump's Turnberry golf course.
They've banned Irn-Bru
as they're worried about
the staining on the carpet.
Is this a direct result
of the Iran deal?
Indubitably, yeah.
Meanwhile, the media are
hanging on Trump's every word.
Let's see how desperate they are
to catch even the tiniest
little emission from the man.
..To trade between the US
and China and we'll do it.
REPORTERS CLAMOUR
Thank you.
So to Stormy Daniels.
What's the latest claim
on the Stormy Daniels case?
Michael Cohen has been...
Looks like he's been receiving
money from Russian oligarchs.
He got vast amounts of money
from these corporations,
and he may or may not,
just for the lawyers,
have used that money to pay off
the adult film actress.
I mean, it's so complicated.
The money was coming to a shell
company in which he's a consultant.
Right. So there's all these...
I mean, by the time you get to it,
you don't care. You're like,
"Fine, just take the bribes,
"just change the news, please."
I mean, it's a shell company
and then it's him...
Anyone would think
you were a former banker.
You know, you can take
the girl out of banking...
It's the first time this audience
has ever cheered a banker when
you came on. Thank you, thank you.
But they almost have to -
I'm a brown woman. What can you do?
LAUGHTER
Anyway... So, you know,
it's a complicated thing,
but the money did go to Stormy
and it came from Cohen.
It came from Cohen.
Did anyone see...? This is for fun.
Did anyone see this charming
revelation from Stormy Daniels?
She said that...
Even that will have no affect,
no effect at all.
Is she familiar with
a cockatoo - with a...?
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
But in this strife-torn world,
there is one small ray of hope.
Which long-running conflict
has finally been resolved this week?
Oh, Katy Perry and...
..and the Swift girl. Taylor Swift.
Yes, do you know
who made the vital first move?
I didn't know they'd fallen out,
if I'm totally honest. Did you not?
I shall get on WhatsApp with them.
You're out of touch,
the political class,
you've got no idea!
Real people's lives! Get with it!
Ian's attempts to be a teenager
are very entertaining.
Katy Perry apparently
sent Taylor Swift...
Olive branch. ..an actual olive
branch. Yeah, that's right,
an actual one. What a knob.
Do you know how it all started?
Ian, you're up on this.
Yeah...
I don't want to go into it. OK.
Was it an argument about
backing dancers? Exactly that.
According to the Telegraph,
Katy Perry apparently tried to
book some of Taylor Swift's
backing dancers for her own show,
who Taylor had stolen from Katy
in the first place,
and one of the dancers said,
"Obviously..."
Then Taylor unfollowed
them all on Twitter.
Yes, this is Donald Trump pulling
out of the Iranian nuclear deal.
If you're wondering
what that squiggle is,
it's his cardiogram from
that night with Stormy Daniels.
Paul and Jess, take a look at this.
It's President Putin.
He's just heard that Donald Trump's
at the door, so he's gone to
see him. There's a man saluting him.
He runs around quickly, that man.
There he is again.
Gone round the back.
And here he comes.
"Tonight, Matthew, I'm going to be
the leader of Russia."
And there he is, meeting the man
with the flattest head in Moscow.
We should say this is him being
inaugurated, wasn't it?
SINDHU: His coronation, really.
Really.
Yes, this was
the very, very long walk.
How many minutes was it?
We edited it down.
I believe
it's eight to nine minutes.
Nine minutes. I would have been
tempted to show it in fast forward
with the Benny Hill music.
HE HUMS BENNY HILL MUSIC
Needless to say, obviously Twitter
have done a bit of clever editing
for us. Have they? Thanks to
a Russian news blog, TJournal,
we've got this to enjoy.
MUSIC: Stayin' Alive
by the Bee Gees
JESS: What does he stop
and look at there?
SINDHU: So much better.
The KGB Gees!
CHEERING
The style of his walk, there's
something significant about that.
Let's have a quick look at this.
That apparently is a KGB walk,
where they swing,
vigorous swinging of the left arm,
right arm stays rigid.
..allowing them to...
quickly draw a gun
at a moment's notice.
Are you auditioning? Yes.
Who was there?
Who was at the inauguration?
There was... I forget his name, he's
an actor, he's an American actor.
Steven Seagal?
Let's have a look at this guy.
That guy. George Michael.
What I like about Steven Seagal is
whatever happens, he will
not dye his hair, which is... Yeah.
During the ceremony,
the head of Constitutional Court
got his words in a muddle.
How did he end up describing
Mr Putin's new term?
Forever.
He mixed up - there are two words
in Russian that sound very, very
similar and he mixed them up.
Instead of declaring
his new term an appointment,
he called it a crime.
Very, very similar words in Russian.
We won't be seeing him again.
Novichok on the door knob.
I tell you what, let's mark
this historic fourth term
with a little quick buzzer round.
This is a quick buzzer round
on Russia.
BUZZER
There we go, it's working. Yeah.
Here we go.
Our Rush Around Russia Round!
Brilliant! Hey-hey! There it is.
OK, why should you never lower
the earflaps on your ushanka?
BELL
Yes, Sindhu?
Because you can't hear the KGB come
when they want to shoot you.
You can't hear them.
Very good point. Yeah.
It's not the answer, though.
Because you look like
a wimp, apparently.
Yeah.
You can't lower your earflaps
until it is below -20,
so basically any time
between September and July.
Traffic in Moscow is horrendous.
What do wealthy Russians
do to beat traffic jams?
BELL
Helicopters. That would be sensible.
But no.
Move to Florida.
They hire fake ambulances.
Which incidentally is how the cast
of Holby City get home as well.
What is the Russian tradition when
it comes to bunches of flowers?
They must always be an odd number.
That's exactly right. Oh, no!
They must always be an odd number.
It's considered bad luck
to give an even number.
That's brilliant. It's bad luck
to give an even number of flowers,
unless at a funeral,
in which case it's de rigueur.
De rigueur mortis.
GROANS FROM THE AUDIENCE
Quite right.
We're not doing this round
purely for that one joke, are we?
What happened to
Russian beer in 2013?
BELL
It had a new flavour.
Polonium.
It was accepted for the first time
as an alcoholic beverage.
Bad news for nursery schools.
Almost impossible to get
the kids to sleep in the afternoon.
Over 70% of Russia is what?
Vodka.
Yes, Siberia is the answer.
There we are.
That is the end of...
That is the end of our quiz.
Let's do that again. That was fun.
Russia, as you know, is going to be
hosting the World Cup this summer.
What has Fifa asked every
competing country to come up with?
Sanctions.
Security. They want each
country to pick a slogan
to adorn the side
of their team's bus.
These include Tunisia's...
That's a very long bus.
One of Iceland's three
shortlisted slogans is...
Only if Waitrose is closed.
Like you'd ever go to Iceland!
Have you ever bought a prawn ring?
I love a prawn ring.
I love nothing more. What is
one of the choices for...?
Let's have an Iceland quiz!
Let's hear one of the choices
for Panama's slogan. Not a canal.
It has shortlisted...
Brilliant. Which is right.
Finally, what are the choices
for the England team slogan?
We won't be long.
The short list includes...
Oh, God.
Oh, God.
The best suggestion came from
Joe Law on Twitter, who had...
Is anyone going? I thought
it was too dangerous to go.
I think the British Government
is advising people not to go
for all sorts of reasons,
and certainly no politicians,
Royals or anything
have been allowed to go.
But to be honest,
if the Russians want to kill us,
we don't have to go there. I mean...
This is the swearing-in
of Vladimir Putin following
his election victory. In one of
his decrees, Mr Putin pledged to...
..presumably by telling the KGB
to take it easy for a bit.
Between 2008 and 2012,
Dmitry Medvedev became President,
but according to the Times...
In very much the same way
in the US -
in 2016, Donald Trump
became President,
but Putin retained control
behind-the-scenes.
Now, Ian and Sindhu,
here is another for you.
That's a Black Death doctor.
Rats spreading Black Death.
Oh, and there is Black Death.
This is the one
where the head of Ukip,
when they talked to him and said,
"Well, you've done very badly,"
and he said, "We're actually
like the Black Death.
"We're going to be dormant,
then we're going to surge back,"
or something like this. He basically
compared himself to Black Death,
and they checked, they said,
"Are you comparing yourself
"to Black Death?"
And he said, "Yes."
In a good way. And they said,
"But you do realise it killed
a lot of people?" and he said,
"This is not a history lesson."
It's that guy. Yes, here he is
on Radio 4. Listen to this.
No, it's not over at all. Think of
the Black Death in the Middle Ages,
it comes along and it causes
disruption and then it goes dormant,
and that's exactly
what we're going to do.
It was pointed out to him,
"Did you really mean to say this?"
He said, "Yeah, absolutely,
what's wrong with that?"
He said,
"It also led to economic growth."
It's a more radical policy
than austerity
but UKIP are prepared
to give it a go.
Jess, were you pleased with
Labour's performance on the whole?
I mean...
Not really. What was that noise?
No, I had hoped for more.
You don't think
you overhyped it beforehand?
Well, I didn't, I don't think.
There was a lot of overhyping
about Wandsworth,
getting Thatcher's
favourite council.
Why did she have
a favourite council?
What anyone's favourite council?
Have you got a favourite council?
Oh, yeah! Are you kidding?
Which one is it? Cherwell!
But have we hit peak Corbyn?
People keep asking me this.
Obviously, not in some places,
but, yes, in others.
Cos I keep...
LAUGHTER
Rubbish answer.
He's peaky somewhere,
less peaky elsewhere.
Is it a BBC Two series,
Peaky Corbyn?
Here is Jeremy Corbyn himself
giving an opinion on this.
So we haven't seen
peak Corbyn, then?
No, no, there's much more to come
and it's going to get even better.
What's so funny is everyone was so
busy celebrating down in Plymouth,
they didn't see this -
the Russians invading just behind.
Jess... Mm-hm.
Jeremy Corbyn and lunch,
what's this thing?
Lunch? I read something about him
trying to share his lunch with you.
Oh, yes, he oft tries
to give you lunch.
A salad sandwich,
he offered me once.
But the salad sandwich
lost me a vote.
On the doorstep, this man said
to me, "I can't vote for you,
"I can't stand that Jeremy Corbyn."
And Danny, my son, was with me and
he said, "Oh, but he's really nice,
he offered us a salad sandwich."
And the bloke went,
"That's the final nail."
Is it true you only
became an MP for a bet?
It was part of a bet, yeah.
Not the only reason I became an MP.
Did you lose the bet?
Me and my mate, Wendy, said,
"Who can become an MP quickest?"
And she didn't put in
any bloody effort.
She's currently Secretary of State
for Northern Ireland!
Who's been making life difficult
for Theresa May this week?
Boris. Exactly, yes, after that
diplomatic triumph over in the US,
he has come back and he's rubbished
Theresa May's Brexit customs plan.
He called her crazy. Crazy, yeah.
The woman who appointed him!
Can anyone be bothered to tell us
what happened in the Lords
this week?
Another Brexit defeat
for the government. Yes.
They threw out another amendment.
How many defeats have they had now?
14. 14. It's not going well.
No. This led the Mail to fume...
Well, it's infuriating because
the whole point of Brexit was
to give power back to Parliament
and Parliament's doing its job.
What do they think they're doing?
I've gone completely the other way,
that I hated the Lords before
and now I'm like that...
"I like you, Lords."
There's 1,000 British people
working in Brussels for the EU.
What has Jean-Claude Juncker
suggested they do after Brexit?
That they get citizenship.
Of? Of Belgium.
That's right.
You see, I love Belgium.
I think we should perhaps have a
little quickfire Belgian quiz round.
Shall we do this?
I feel I'm better on Belgium.
OK. Where are 80% of
the world's billiard balls made?
BUZZER
Jess? Belgium? Yes!
Which country has the second
tallest people in the world?
BUZZER
Jess. Is it Belgium? Yes!
This is your specialist subject.
I'm on a good footing in Belgium.
This is just Remainer propaganda!
Where is the so-called diamond...
BELL
..capital of the world?
Belgium. Antwerp.
Antwerp.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Very strong indeed.
Antwerp it is.
That got the blood going, didn't it?
Yeah, it did.
This is the local elections.
Ukip's Paul Oakley pointed to
the positive outcomes
of the Black Death, saying...
A bit like saying how nice Hiroshima
is now it's been pedestrianised.
The Liberal Democrats
regained control of Richmond.
"The comeback starts here,"
said Vince Cable.
That's nice. I thought he was dead.
Meanwhile, a think tank
has suggested we can fix
the generation gap by giving
£10,000 to all 25-year-olds.
Really? They'll just spend it on
smashed avocado
and gender realignment.
Now, Paul and Jess,
here is another one for you.
Oh, yes, that's a bear being taken
out of the zoo for an ice cream.
The fact of the matter is
if he can drive himself there,
he deserves the ice cream.
He didn't go there directly -
he went to the woods
for a comfort break.
So, yeah, this is about
the bear out of the zoo,
given an ice cream,
day out and then people
started to get angry about it.
That's pretty much exactly it.
This is a zoo in Alberta, Canada,
which is facing charges after
one of its bears was taken
in a pick-up truck
to an ice cream drive-through.
I mean, I have to say,
that bear was being better
with that ice cream in that car
than any of my kids have ever been!
Definitely. And it ate the cone.
Yes. So nicely.
Didn't just bite the bottom off
then pour it all down itself!
Didn't ask for a napkin.
Every single time.
Then ask for a napkin and
smack its sibling. It didn't.
It was just eating ice cream.
Alberta Province officials
say they were bringing charges
because the zoo keepers didn't
ask permission beforehand.
But you know, they didn't ask
permission because they wouldn't
have got it. Well, there you are.
And to be honest, that's the best
way to do what you need,
is just don't ask, just go do it.
Seize the moment. Seize the moment.
Bring the bear. Take the bear. Yeah.
The zoo's bears, which have
been raised in captivity,
are apparently
very well trained and talented.
One lucky bear got to participate
in a study for a Scottish vet,
during which he learned
how to pee in a cup.
Now, is that the vet,
or is that the bear?
Drive-through ice cream, though.
That's nice.
I mean, we should get that here.
That would be amazing. Three days
a year, it'd be fantastic.
It was difficult for the bear to
decide which ice cream to have.
For some reason, the first one
it tried was too runny,
the second was too cold,
the third - just right!
The drive-through attendant
can be seen feeding the bear
a large ice cream cone. I don't
know if there were crushed nuts,
but the guy could easily have
had his face torn off.
And so to Round Two,
the picture spin quiz.
Fingers on buzzers, teams.
Here is our first picture.
BUZZER
Belgium!
BUZZER
Yes, Paul and Jess.
These are people, nudists,
naturists are allowed to
go into an art gallery.
They're at a special sort of
take-your-clothes-off day,
come in, you don't have to pay
because there'd be nowhere
to keep your change,
so yeah, come in the nude
and be rude, don't be rude,
come in the nude, have a look
at nudes. Nudes looking at nudes.
Where's the gallery?
France. It is. Shall we have a look
at some more of the exhibits?
There we go. Oh, God.
And there we go.
Shoes are interesting.
How did he get his
trousers off, I wonder?
According to one of the 161 naked
visitors to the Palais de Tokyo...
I think, and everywhere else.
One visitor,
a 23-year-old student called Marta,
said being naked meant that...
Oh, God!
At which point
Marta was swiftly escorted to
the door, I should think.
According to Cedric Amato,
the vice-chairman of the
Paris Naturist Association...
That's painful!
Yes, they've opened a fine dining
restaurant for nudists.
Any idea what that's called?
There we are, we can see them.
Is that an Irish pub? It is!
Coq O'Vin.
Is that French for
having sex in a lorry?
This is the art gallery in Paris
which opened its doors to naturists.
It's not the first time
a gallery has welcomed nudists.
According to The Independent...
Who'd have thought
there's a museum in Australia?
OK, now, fingers on buzzers, teams.
Here is your next picture.
BELL
Ah, yes.
There's a man who was in a car.
Yes. Yes.
And the entire car is full of bees.
It was Wallace Leatherwood,
a beekeeper, who drove for 40 miles
with thousands of bees loose in his
truck, without getting stung once.
He'd just put three boxes of
the bees in the back of his cab
and when he came back...
So he did what anyone would do
and just started driving.
So let's see how
this played out for him.
We got bees everywhere.
I guess we'll make it home.
I got 'em over here.
Got 'em up here.
And I'm still here!
They must have been so scared,
just saying, "Look at the road,
for God's sake!"
Oh, but who would have loved
to have been in his cab?
A bee fancier. Justin O Schmidt,
an entomologist, is on...
Did the vicar drop him
at the baptism?
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
Justin O Schmidt?
Yes.
He's quite a hands-on researcher.
He travels all over the world,
getting stung by insects
to create a...
Here is Justin doing his work.
There he is. Oh, my God.
Here's fun. How does Justin rank
the sting of the anthophorid bee?
3! 1.
Yeah, 1. Yes, according to Justin,
it's a pain level 1...
Oh.
What about the tarantula hawk?
That looks nasty - 4.
4 is exactly right, yes.
You'd be dead. Yes. Death.
What's the creepy-crawly
that tops his list, though,
the absolute top when it comes to
inflicting misery on its victim?
Gove.
It is, in fact, the bullet ant.
Oh, yeah. Whose sting
Justin describes as like...
Justin admits...
This is North Carolina beekeeper
Wallace Leatherwood
who bought three boxes of bees
for 165 a box
then drove home with
3,000 bees loose in his cab.
He later told reporters...
165 for a box of bees -
I think you were.
There's also a book out
from scientist Justin Schmidt,
describing the amount of pain
caused by different insect bites.
According to Justin Schmidt, one of
the most painful and dangerous ants
is the bullet ant.
An even more dangerous Ant
is this one - especially in a car!
LAUGHTER AND GROANING
It is time now for
the odd one out round.
Ian and Sindhu, your four are...
..Christopher Plummer, Ed Balls,
Bill and Melinda Gates,
and Patrick Park,
Donald Trump's first pick
to be US Ambassador to Austria.
Well, the Austria is the clue,
I think. Mm-hm.
You agree? Mm-hm. Christopher
Plummer was in The Sound Of Music.
The Edelweiss guy. Yeah.
As he became known.
Ed Balls is very keen
on The Sound Of Music.
Surely, he's the only one having a
Hitler moustache sucked off his face
by a very small vacuum cleaner.
Oh, yes, how stupid of me.
And this guy is
the ambassador-elect to Austria?
No, Trump offered him
the ambassadorship of Austria
on the grounds that
he likes The Sound Of Music.
He was a friend of his
from his club.
And I don't know about them.
Do they like The Sound Of Music?
Bill and Melinda? Yes, have they
bought it, have they bought Austria?
Hmm. Christopher Plummer
didn't like The Sound Of Music.
He was in it and thought
it wasn't any good.
That is in fact the right answer.
He is the odd one out.
They all were obsessed with The
Sound Of Music, still are obsessed,
apart from Christopher Plummer,
who loathes it.
How can anyone hate
The Sound Of Music?
Cos it's rubbish and long.
Long?
But it's got great songs.
Good songs. Name one.
# Doe, a deer, a female deer. #
Any song but that.
# A drop of golden sun... #
We could be
on Alexander's new album!
You are!
But anyway, back to
Christopher Plummer.
What alternative title
did he give the film?
He called it...
Even working with Julie Andrews,
did he enjoy that?
No. He hated her.
He said working with her was like...
I really like Christopher Plummer.
I mean, what a great bloke.
Patrick Park, Donald Trump's
choice for US Ambassador to Austria,
you're absolutely right,
he's a Sound Of Music obsessive.
What did Mr Park most want to do
when Trump first asked him
to do the job?
Climb every mountain?
Days after his nomination,
he told reporters...
But Bill and Melinda Gates,
they're also huge fans
of The Sound Of Music.
How did we discover this?
The internet?
He was on Desert Island Discs
with Kirsty Young in 2016
and one of the tracks he chose
was How Can Love Survive? from
the Sound of Music stage musical.
It's not in the film.
No, it's not in the film.
That's a good Pointless answer.
Remember that.
"Which one of these songs is
not in the Sound of Music film?"
There's loads. Yeah, exactly.
Goodness Gracious, Great Balls of
Fire. Oh, I see what you mean. Yeah.
Yeah. Not such a good answer.
What was the theme for
Melinda Gates' 50th birthday party?
"I'm 49, going on 50?"
In an interview with Vanity Fair,
Melinda revealed that Bill threw her
a huge party themed around her
favourite film. Melinda said...
Oh, good God!
You're absolutely right.
The answer is they're all obsessed
with The Sound Of Music,
apart from Christopher Plummer,
who hated it.
According to the Mail Online,
he hated making the film so much,
he ate away his sorrows.
Luckily, Julie Andrews
made some new ones
out of the curtains
in the dressing room.
Ed Balls and his family went on
a Sound Of Music-themed holiday,
where they wore lederhosen
and cycled for several days.
I bet the Balls
were sweaty after that!
Paul and Jess, here are yours.
Swedish meatballs,
the English language,
a turkey, and Boris Johnson.
The English language - maybe
the clue is the fact that
you identified
the nationality of the meatballs
and you've got the flag sticks,
calling them Swedish meatballs.
Now, we do know that Boris
has a Turkish family tree,
his great-great-grandparents
or something,
then there's the turkey there.
It would be too obvious for the
turkey to be from Turkey, so I'm...
He's not from Turkey.
He's not from Turkey.
So I think, then, that Boris and the
Swedish meatballs both have Turkey
origins and presumably the English
language has Turkish origins?
And so the turkey's the odd one out
because it's from America.
Absolutely right, yep.
APPLAUSE
Why are turkeys called turkeys
if they're not from Turkey?
Is it an Indian word?
No. No. Thank you!
When turkeys arrived from America,
they looked a little bit
like guinea fowl,
which were called turkey cocks,
because they...
That could be a medical complaint.
Guinea fowls were sold to them
by people from Turkey,
but the turkeys looked
like the guinea fowls,
which were turkey cocks
in 16th-century English...
Do you know what you're talking
about? No. Not at all. Anyway...
You haven't got that other bloke
to help you now, have you?
I know.
I'm lost. Lost.
The one that knows all the answers.
What do other countries
call turkeys?
In French it's like...
FRENCH ACCENT: Tur-key! Une dinde.
Dinde, which basically means
beautiful or something like that.
I think, "from India"?
D'Inde. D'Inde, thank you very much.
D'Inde. Dinde, d'Inde, from India.
You're not Richard Osman, are you?
In Germany it's known as fan-arse.
Are they? That's good. Yeah,
cos it's got an arse like a fan.
In Luxembourg
they are called snot hens.
It's because of the dangly bit.
The turkey snood.
One of the least popular
items in KFC.
Boris Johnson's great-grandfather
was a famous Turkish newspaper
editor and government minister
called Ali Kemal.
How was Boris recently linked to
an 18th-century syphilitic mummy?
He used to go out with her.
It's a relation of his, isn't it?
Discovered in Constantinople,
I thought.
Yeah. It was a Swiss church.
Oh, a Swiss church? Yeah.
And they identified it as Boris's...
But how did they know
to check Boris's DNA?
I know! Did they check everyone's?
I don't know.
If there's ever a test, Boris is
one of the people they go round.
Shall we see them? There we are.
It does look like him.
Come on, you have to give us
a clue, which is which?
Why does Boris get the headlines
and not Jo?
He's got a brother
who's in the Commons. Yeah.
He's related to the syphilitic nun.
He deserves credit. Yeah, exactly.
Poor old... Rachel Johnson?
Yeah. Rachel Johnson.
Rachel Johnson, Stanley Johnson.
Any of the Johnsons.
Johnson & Johnson,
the floor wax people.
They're both in the cabinet.
Hey, there we are.
Swedish meatballs
are originally Turkish.
Last week Sweden's official
Twitter account tweeted...
..which led
one distraught Swede to tweet...
In other Swedish news,
what have IKEA been doing with
dozens of children this week?
Flat-packing them.
No, I don't know. Sorry.
What did you say, flat-packing them?
No, they've been
making them bully plants.
Over 30 days they asked a group
of children to insult one plant
and be nice to another.
This is to prove...
Here is the happy plant
that they were nice to... Yes?
And here is the plant they insulted.
How did the children
insult the plants?
By not watering it?
Clearly!
The insults from
the children included...
..while the compliments included...
You should have had... What are
those plants that will eat you?
JESS: Venus fly traps.
Venus fly traps, yeah.
You should have had one of those...
Take on one of those.
Yeah, you go up to them and say,
"You're ugly" and then...
And then that'll teach you.
That'll teach you not to bully.
So you'd like us to
have flesh-eating plants
attacking our children?
No, no, I'm not saying that.
They all have Turkish origins
except the turkey,
which originally comes from America.
According to
the Smithsonian Institute...
Unfortunately,
Bernard Matthews can do 26.
Time now for missing words round,
which this week features as its
guest publication Branch Line News.
It comes out on Choo-Tuesdays.
And we start with...
Sectioned.
JESS: Something like "have
cheesy wedding" or something...
Get married in macaroni suits.
I think you can have that.
A Glasgow couple have had
a macaroni-themed wedding.
Here they are.
Oh, my God. Now, do tell me
which one she's got married to.
Apparently the couple met each other
on an Italian food-based
dating site - Big Pepper Grindr.
Next...
Answer to the name of Dave.
Be men.
JESS: Walk the country off a cliff?
SOME APPLAUSE
Succeed.
I think we'll go with that, yes.
According to the Sunday Herald...
..and are also the most
popular names for tank engines.
Next...
If accused of mainlining heroin.
Branch line, mainline,
mainline, branch line.
You may continue.
If you want something to read and
your news letter e-mail IS late,
you can always use
the replacement book service.
Next...
I think this is raps.
He's a fan of Stormzy,
as indeed, am I. Exactly right.
And he...
He chants this to make himself feel
better. He chants Stormzy lyrics.
Completely right. Not to be confused
with Stormzy Daniels. No.
Justin Welby says he finds
a song by grime artist Stormzy
calms his nerves.
According to the Sun...
Though first it'll need to be okayed
by Prince Philip's cardiologist.
OK...
Oh, yes, I saw this.
World's luckiest person
leaves his job and
wins the lottery on the same day.
Yes, and has his birthday.
And, and, and... That's right.
He retires, has birthday,
wins lottery.
According to CNN,
the lottery organisers
would not divulge
what he did for a living.
My guess is lottery draw organiser.
Next...
He was still on time.
Pretty much, yes.
Finally...
Love football,
but stumped by cricket.
Got to be. No, it's not, but...
What do you mean it's not? It's not.
Of course it is.
It's a well-known fact.
David Attenborough's filmed them.
AS ATTENBOROUGH: Here, the shark
disdains the football.
This is according...
That's nonsense.
This is according to marine
research conducted by...
..scuba-doo-bap-a-bap-a-doo...
..divers. So the final scores are...
What?! ..9 to Sindhu and Ian...
Wait, wait!
We need to know the basis
of this research.
Where does this story come from?
I have no idea. What have they done?
Have they taken a shark to
Ronnie Scott's Jazz Club in London?
"This is much better
than at Albert Hall. Wow."
So the final scores are...
9 points to Sindhu and Ian,
and 11 points to Paul and Jess. No!
APPLAUSE
Before we go, there's just time
for the caption competition.
Well-known trainer enters
horse at Grand National.
And I leave you with news
that in Scarborough,
someone's in big trouble after
kicking over the wrong sandcastle.
In Washington, Donald Trump insists
he hasn't told nearly as many lies
as the media suggest
and is keeping his own records.
And there are reports of
a white Fiat being driven
erratically in the Windsor area.
Goodnight.
