So you've got kids? 
 You've got kids too?
I've got three. Three boys. 
 Yeah, I've got three boys, as well.
Whenever they tell me something 
 they're going to do
that I think is going to draw 
 attention to them
in a bad way I start really shitting
 myself about their day at school,
do you know what I mean? Mmm.
They'll have, like, 
 a non-uniform day
and my son will dress up 
 as a unicorn
and then I spend the whole day 
 worried that some of the tough kids
in school are going 
 to beat up the unicorn.
Do you know what I mean? 
 Yeah. And do they?
No, they didn't. 
 It was actually all right.
The horn actually provides 
 quite useful weaponry.
My eldest son's got special needs.
In fact, I think 
 they've all got special needs.
I've got a zoo of...you know.
I think with special-needs kids, 
 you are in a slightly different zone
so my problem is always 
 that I mustn't laugh.
So Olly's getting 
 suspended all the time.
Every week. Examples of suspensions.
So I get this form... I mustn't 
 laugh about it, cos it is serious
and I understand the school need 
 to have some element of control,
but I get this form 
 and it says,
"Reason for exclusion - 
 calling the teacher a lard-head."
OK. And we had to go 
 and have a meeting.
There's this thing at the moment 
 where they're trying to
include the parents 
 with suggestions.
So they said, "We're looking for a 
 reward for Olly if he does well."
I said, "He wants to be a fireman 
 and he loves water and hoses,
"so why don't you let him water the 
 vegetables in the vegetable patch?"
And they said, "Great idea." Yeah.
It wasn't. It was a terrible, 
 terrible idea
cos he got hold of the hose 
 and then he just wouldn't let it go.
People go, "That's five minutes, 
 that's enough" and he goes, "No."
He soaks the teacher trying 
 to get the hose off him.
So then they bring out 
 another teacher.
They bring out another teacher, 
 a dry teacher?
"We need a dry teacher for this 
 situation immediately."
They keep providing 
 dry teachers... Right.
..and he keeps drenching them.
If anyone gets near the tap, 
 they get totally done.
And how many teachers in 
 did it occur to them that he
might do this to every teacher 
 they bring out?
By this stage, the kids are looking 
 out of the classroom windows
and Olly's a hero.
Socially, that's incredible. 
 Socially, it's a win.
He's finding it difficult to make 
 friends. He doesn't talk that well.
This is a great way of saying, 
 "Hey, I'm fun to be around."
I'm now 47 and I've been having 
 shit gigs since I was 18.
What was your first 
 telly appearance?
My first telly appearance was 
 I was on Alas Smith & Jones
and I had two sketches.
One of which,
You started the sketch on a couple 
 rolling around on the bed semi-nude.
Yeah. I was, no words. That was me.
And then the other sketch, it 
 started... It was also a bed scene.
It started on Mel in bed 
 wearing pyjamas saying,
"I'm terrible sorry, love, this has 
 never happened to me before.
"It must have been the drink."
And then they panned over to me 
 covered in vomit.
That's good. Yeah.
They used cold Campbell's vegetable 
 soup and I was allergic to it.
So I was lying in the bed,
this negligee stuck to my nipples 
 with pieces of cold carrot cubes.
Sweet. Again, I didn't say anything,
 but in a way I sort of...
Obviously I'm glad about feminism 
 and all the rest of it,
but one of the things 
 that has changed is
when I started in the industry 
 you literally could
put on a lipstick 
 and you didn't have to say anything.
And no-one noticed 
 that was all you were for.
It's like a downside of feminism. 
 A downside of feminism.
You were supposed to actually 
 say something funny.
It's like, "Damn, feminism, damn!"
It was an excuse before to buy 
 nice clothes whereas now it's like,
"You know, they don't care 
 about your clothes, sweetheart.
"They just want you to use up here."
You spent a lot of time in America. 
 Some time in America. How was that?
The last Veep I did, 
 my husband had just left me
for a member 
 of the Russian Yoga Federation.
No word of a lie.
There's a lot to unpack there.
First of all, I didn't know that 
 Russia had a yoga federation. Yeah.
I didn't know the yoga required 
 a federation. Had a federation.
Her Facebook photo... I probably 
 shouldn't say any of this.
Anyway, I've gone here now.
Her Facebook photo didn't 
 include her face.
It was her in an upside down pose.
I shouldn't include any of this. 
 Let's not talk about it.
So when I over-disclosed...
..details of my own romantic life,
whereas in the UK everybody 
 had a furrowed brow... Yeah.
..in the States, everyone just 
 pissed themselves laughing. Right.
Like rolled on the floor 
 crying, laughing,
banging tables at my misfortune.
And you liked that? 
 Yeah, I did, actually.
There is something about them 
 just laughing without checking,
that is kind of freeing. 
 Right, yeah.
So they're not being 
 cautious around you.
This is just how they feel about it.
Let's do it again. 
 You tell me the thing.
So, yeah, 
 I was working in the States,
shortly after my husband... 
 had, er, left me.
THEY LAUGH
