Top Ten Reasons Ancient Rome was a Perverts
Paradise
10.
Slave Sex
It's no secret that Roman society ran on slavery.
Men and women captured during military conquests
were shipped all over the Empire and auctioned
off to the highest bidder -- at which point
they became the property of some aristocrat
or other.
And those aristocrats usually had one thing
on their minds when buying a young slave:
sex.
See, slaves were absolutely devoid of rights
in Roman law.
They were part of the furniture, no better
than the objects surrounding them.
And just as it's technically impossible to
have an affair with your bookcase, Roman law
didn't consider slave-sex to be infidelity.
So when Augustus outlawed adultery in 31BC,
the horny Romans did what any sex-addict would
do and started molesting their slaves at an
unprecedented rate.
Looks, gender and even age were no barrier:
the Warren Cup, for example, is a Roman goblet
dated to 5 AD that sports an image of a guy
casually molesting a child.
In essence, being a slave in ancient Rome
basically meant being a walking sex aid -- speaking
of which...
9.
Public Pornography
If you think top shelf 'lad's mags' and saucy
billboards are rude, just be thankful you're
not living in Roman times.
Step out of a time machine in, say, 50BC and
you'd find yourself completely surrounded
by penises.
Literally every available surface in the Empire
was imprinted with images of penises.
Don't believe me?
There is a Roman coin featuring some sodomy
and a statue that used to be displayed in
the open, of the God Pan having sex with a
goat.
Thanks to their complicated ideas of Gods
and fertility, the Romans had literally no
problem with the sight of one another's wieners
-- and that's just as well, really.
Housewives would use tiny metal penises as
wind chimes (see image), well-endowed slaves
would be forced to keep theirs on show at
all times; and images of the fertility God
Priapus weighing his own gigantic member would
appear over the entrance of houses as a form
of good luck.
And that's before we even get onto the murals
that filled the Public Baths, depicting all
sexual couplings imaginable.
But it wasn't just frescos and statues.
The Romans were also masters of...
8.
Lewd Graffiti
Next time you get bored and scrawl a massive
dong on the wall of a public toilet, you should
know that you're simply carrying on an ancient
tradition that stretches back to Roman times.
That's right: the Romans were no more high-minded
about this sort of thing than you or me.
When they dug up Pompeii, one of the first
things everyone clocked was the sheer amount
of graffiti defacing every wall.
And you better believe it was rude.
One example reads:
"Weep, you girls.
My penis has given you up.
Now it penetrates men's behinds.
Goodbye, wondrous femininity!"
Believe it or not, that's one of the tamer
ones.
There's a fairly comprehensive list, but the
best ones feature advice on oral sex, bizarre
opinions on people's privates and boasts along
the lines of:
"Floronius, privileged soldier of the 7th
legion, was here.
The women did not know of his presence.
Only six women came to know, too few for such
a stallion."
Hey, at least it makes a change from 'Andre
the Giant has a Posse'.
7.
X-Rated Gravestones
As you may have gathered, no aspect of Roman
life was far removed from thoughts of coitus
-- and that included death.
Unlike our sparse epitaphs, Roman men and
women would include whole biographies on their
tombstones, detailing every little moment
of their lives.
And since their lives were often pretty bawdy,
that made for some X-Rated tombstones.
For example, one is known to have read:
"Put on your party hats and don't say no to
sex with pretty girls, as you won't get a
chance when you're dead."
Wow, interesting advice, huh?
Others, marking the spot where husbands have
buried their wives, describe the first night
of copulation -- with one memorable one boasting
about how the 'wife' was first seduced aged
seven.
One in particular is famous for describing
in great detail a three-way relationship between
two men and a woman; including complimentary
passages on the woman's nipples and how punctual
she was at dealing with body hair.
What a trait to be remembered for.
6.
Obscene Literature
If you thought 50 Shades was dirty, wait till
you hear about Roman literature.
As with everything else in their lives, it
revolved strictly round sex -- and not just
regular sex: weird, kinky, messy fetish sex.
Take Sa tyricon, one of only two surviving
Roman novels.
The plot focuses on the adventures of a Roman
man and his child lover as they navigate a
world of orgies, flagellation and dildo-wearing
priestesses.
Sound a little, uh, extreme?
Buddy, you ain't seen nothing yet.
The poet Juvenal routinely wrote about animal
sex, violent rape and sodomy; while Martial
churned out 'epigrams' along the line of:
"With your giant nose and cock
I bet you can with ease
When you get excited
Check the end for cheese."
In short, their books were like their lives:
rude, sex-obsessed and very-much X-Rated.
5.
Pederasty
When talking about an ancient culture, it's
important to remember their standards are
always going to vary wildly from ours.
So when I say the Romans practiced pederasty,
bear in mind that it was totally acceptable
back then.
It's only when you look back on it from our
own cultural standpoint that it all seems
a little, well, eww.
See, in Rome, there wasn't exactly an age
of consent.
If you were going to engage in a homosexual
relationship with a free-born male, you had
to wait until they were at least 12.
But, as far as slaves were concerned, anything
went -- and it usually did.
Aside from the Warren Cup, we have the writings
of Juvenal and Quintilian; both casually informing
us that schoolmasters liked to groom young
boys.
Then there are the numerous laws issued on
the subject -- preserved to this day -- to
stop the practice spilling over into 'regular'
life.
So pervasive, in fact, was this pederasty
that Romans who didn't fancy young boys were
generally considered a little odd -- a belief
that only vanished when Christianity finally
took hold.
4.
Religious Sex Parties
Imported from Greece, the Bacchanalia were
'fertility festivals' that really took hold
in modern South Italy.
And with good reason: they were devoted almost
exclusively to shagging as many people as
humanly possible.
Writing about these 'festivals' in the Augustan
era, the historian Livy breathlessly described
scenes of unimaginable debauchery.
These 'festivals' were alleged to be a place
where people met, danced themselves into ecstasy,
then fell into frantic copulation with no
regard for who or what they might be screwing.
This isn't just Livy going on a fantasy-trip,
either.
By all accounts, the authorities were so troubled
by the practice that they outlawed them, with
punishments of severe torture imposed on anyone
who continued to practice.
Remember this is Rome, at the height of its
decadence -- so anything they want to ban
as 'immoral' has gotta be pretty extreme.
Yet, for all the threat of torture lingered
over its followers, the cult of Bacchus survived
for centuries -- along with its pervy, orgiastic
rites.
3.
Mass Infanticide
Here we get to one of the bleaker sides of
Roman culture.
Reading this list of debauchery, some of you
may have been wondering how the Romans managed
so much sex in the days before the pill.
Well, according to historian Mary Beard they
simply redefined the term 'abortion' to a
terrifying degree.
And I mean terrifying.
Since we now know virtually all Roman contraception
methods were useless, all the unwanted pregnancies
must have gone somewhere: and that somewhere
was apparently the rubbish dump.
No joke: there's plenty of evidence to suggest
that Roman mothers just casually tossed newborn
babies away.
From ancient letters advocating the practice,
to clues that discarded babies may have been
a major source of slaves (the popular slave
name Corpeus translates as 'found on the dung-heap');
the signs all indicate a culture totally at-home
with mass infanticide.
Chew on that next time someone describes our
civilization as 'violent'.
2.
Perverted Justice
When we talk today about a 'perversion of
justice', we mean it metaphorically.
It's a way of describing how outraged we are,
how unfair the trial was.
In Roman times, the phrase would have been
scarily literal.
According to historian Vicki Leon, both the
Romans and Greeks were fans of 'unusual' punishment.
Not all the time, but in the case of adultery
-- very much so.
Basically, if you were Roman and someone slept
with your wife, you would be legally entitled
to sodomize them in return; with an audience
if you so desired.
It's not as far-fetched as it sounds.
Despite their, well, 'love' of boy-love, the
Romans were a deeply masculine bunch.
There was literally nothing more shameful
for a man to do than take the 'feminine' role
in homosexual sex -- so to sodomize someone
would be the ultimate act of revenge: branding
them 'unmanly' for life.
But even within the context of Roman society,
this punishment sometimes took a weird turn.
Apparently, it was not-unusual for the offended
party to sodomize his rival with a radish,
as opposed to his own equipment.
Why that might be, I've no idea.
But next time you cheat on someone, just be
glad you're not doing so in Ancient Rome.
1.
The Emperors
No article on Rome would be complete without
mentioning its crazy rulers.
Almost every single Emperor to rule Rome was
categorically insane -- to the point that
it often seems like they're trying to outdo
each other in the 'lunatic' stakes.
Nero, for example, had his favorite boy castrated
and attempted to turn him into a woman.
Caligula made his horse a senator, converted
the palace into a brothel and pimped out his
sisters; while Elagabalus spent more time
cruising Rome's red light district dressed
in drag than anything else -- pausing only
to invent the whoopee cushion.
Now, most of what has been written about Rome's
Emperors is probably exaggerated -- Tacitus
and Suetonius both liked to belittle their
enemies ruthlessly -- but, if even ten percent
of it is true, they were some messed-up people.
Perhaps it's not surprising, then, that your
average Roman was a little crazy too.
