 
### Table of Contents

Title Page

Introduction

Chapter 1 - Sports & Recreation Jokes

A Great Seat

Linebacker Potential

The Football Hero

Heavenly Reward

The Hat Trick &

Bubba's Secret *

Walk Don't Run

The Jogger *

The Bodybuilder

Lend a Helping Hand

Out of Your League

Play Ball

Baseball in Heaven

Blind Skydiver

Tough Exam

Alabama Football Fans

Seems Like Home

Disabled Swimming Race

Amazing Breath Control

Music and Baseball

Nuns at a Football Game

Jet Fan's Dog

The Corporate Ladder

Extreme Sports

A Nutty Baseball Game

Redneck Olympians

Sport Analogies

Athlete's College Entrance Exam

Men's Figure Skating

Wrong Religion

The Pretzel Hold

The Winning Run

A Noble Sacrifice

Coach Wants a Raise

The Most Painful Part

Fasten Your Seatbelt

Husbands and Sports

Good Sportsmanship

The Ski Trip

Blonde at a Football Game

Play Ball

That's My Secret

Enterprising Old Woman

Bear Abuse

End an Argument

Walking Billboard *

Chapter 2 - Substitute Jokes

Sheep Country *

French Foreign Legion *

North to Alaska *

Jungle Romance *

Old Gus

The Fishing Boat *

What are You Doing?

I'll Take that One *

Bovine Fantasy

Anniversary Presents *

Dogs will be Dogs **

The Shy Guy *

Two Dutch Girls *

Sheepishly Selfish *

A Good Old Boy *

Not the Cow *

Wild Weekend *

Get Out of My Church

Wild Thing

A Down Under Virgin

Really Supernatural

Customer Service **

Fairy Tale Romance *

Who is That Man? **

Going Ape **

The Pet Frog **

The Gay Grizzly Bear ***

A Real Horse Lover

Talk to the Animals

Hillbilly Interview *

I Killed Your Rooster

The Selfish Scottish Farmer

A Sad Scottish Story *

The Tractor Salesman

Robotic Motel **

Inseminate the Cow

Pig Breeding *

Sheep Shagging Research **

Tarzan Gets Lucky

Theme Party ***

Angry African Chief *

Lady's Pet Frog **

My Prayers are Answered

Moosehead Beer **

Horny Old Drunks

International Sex Research *

Delicate Washables

Chapter 3 - Supermarket Jokes

Proof of Purchase

Quick Thinking

Special Order

Cough it Up

Patient Mother

Reflect on This

Lottery Tickets **

Motherly Love

Price Check

Hey Crisco

Don't Have a Cat *

Murder at Safeway

I've Lost My Wife

As Big as They Get

Two Old Guys

Condoms Sold and Fitted

Supermarket Technology

Supermarket Shoplifter

Very Harsh Detergent

That Terrible Taste

Biting Your Fingernails

Dumb Like a Fox

Jelly Beans

Chapter 4 - Teen & High School Jokes

Perfect Fit

Not Without a Condom

The Stowaway *

A Bit Hasty

Just One for the Road **

Home from Camp *

Don't Say a Word *

The Old Foot in the Mouth

Two Dutch Girls *

Not the Cow *

Potential and Reality

Lucky Frog

Have a Ball

Powerful Message

First Liberty ***

The Lesser of Two Evils

Career Potential *

Holy Water *

Faith Healer

Quick Thinking

Redneck Romance *

I Won't Tell

Reasonable Precautions *

Emergency Surgery

Wild Thing

English Class Final Exam

Big for My Age

Risque Nicknames **

Blame it on the Dog

An Excellent Lesson

The Blind Date

Move to the Back Seat?

My Boyfriend is Trapped

The Farmer's Daughters

Teenage Clerk

Powerful Prescription **

Just Showing Off

The Lad's First Kilt

Cop at Lovers Lane

Get a Job

Radical Haircut

I'll Sit in Back

Only One Explanation

Thinking Ahead

The School Play

I've Been Waiting for You

Cold Buggy Ride *

Grandma's Advise *

What Does That Mean **

Saving it Up

Almost Every Night

Birth Control Pills

New Blonde Driver

Turn to Stone

The Blonde Restaurant

Can I Use the Car

Who is the Father?

Peanut Problem

Killing an Eel **

Saving Myself **

Bad Wish

A Very Cool Date *

Class Reunion

Intercom Announcement

Knowledge Pills

Just a Little Poetry *

The Condom Purchase *

Contraceptive Dilemma *

Had a Flat Tire

An Engagement Ring

John Dunn

Special Anniversary

An Abstract Noun

A Tough Teacher

Linebacker Potential

Chapter 5 - Train, Bus & Taxi Jokes

The Slow Train

Let's Pretend

One Step Ahead

Two Blondes in the Forest

The Bull and the Train

Busload of Politicans

Overheard on the Bus

The Train to London

Taxi Driver's Fantasy **

What a Deal *

Turn About is Fair Play

Indian Mating Call

The Redneck and the Nun **

Career Opportunities

Policeman Joke

Blonde at the Bus Stop

Indecent Exposure

The Performance Scale

Annoyed Bus Driver

Old Man on the Bus *

Senior Citizen Bus Tour *

All Aboard

The Blonde Commuter

Two Blondes at a Bus Stop

Eating a Banana

Sure is a Wonder ***

Buying Train Tickets

Your Weight and Fortune

Chicken Launcher

I'll Miss My Train

New on the Job

Charitable Act

Railroad Job Interview

The Vegas Cabbie **

The Vanishing Poker Game

Golf Balls

International Bus Rules

The Texan and the Cabbie

Excess Baggage

Thank Stalin

Road Kill Special *

Thrown Out of Bed

Taxi Driver Logic

New Your Taxi Driver

Won Big in Vegas

Any Way You Want

Talent Down Under **

Pregnant Woman on the Bus

Crowded Bus

Hobo Lion Tamer

Tell Mother Goodbye *

what is the Problem?

Really Ugly Baby

Dave's Birthday

Peanuts for the Driver

Blonde Math

I'm a Little Nervous *

Not Up to the Task

Dead Pussy *

Terry's Joke Collection

#

# Terry's Joke Collection

# Volume IX

Sports to Train Jokes

# Terry Eade

Copyright 2017 Terry Eade

Smashwords Edition

ISBN 9781370221677
Introduction

Illustration by Terry Eade

This is the ninth and final volume of Terry's Joke Collection. The collection has been broken up into separate volumes to keep each book under a thousand pages. This has been done for storage and data transmission purposes. There are fifty-two chapters, with each chapter covering a specific category of jokes. This makes it easier to find a joke, which fits the occasion or topic.

Each joke has a title and is listed in the table of contents in the appropriate chapter so that it can be accessed directly by just clicking on its title. Jokes are also annotated to let the reader know if it is appropriate for the occasion or audience where you are telling the joke. This scale is explained at the beginning of each chapter. Although the number of chapters in each volume range from three to ten, most of the volumes contain about the same number of jokes. A complete listing of all volumes in this series is provided at the end of this book.

The advantage of having these books in electronic format is that you can view them on your smart phone, tablet, ebook reader, or computer. You can specify the size of the print they will appear in, so they are easy for you to read. You can also use your device's ebook reader software to electronically bookmark a joke you want to quickly access. Because they are stored as books in your mobile device library you can have them with you wherever you go, without needing a wi-fi connection, a cell phone connection, or using any of your data allowance.

The size and weight of this information in traditional print books would take a whole suitcase to store and that suitcase would weigh a ton. Now you can have thousands of jokes with you on your phone. So you should never have to apologize because you can't remember a great joke you would like to tell or forget the punch line of one you are trying to tell from memory.

Even if you're not the type of person who enjoys telling jokes, you will get hours of enjoyment reading those provided in this book and the other eight volumes of the Terry's Joke Collection series. Also. if you are like me, you will find your favorites and enjoy reading them over and over. When I am telling jokes to my friends they will have their favorites and request them for any new person in the group or just to hear them again. Virtually any time I am telling jokes to my friends they will say "Tell the one about the Foreign Legion captain and the camel, the taxidermist in the redneck bar, or the general and the motor pool." The titles of the jokes are descriptive, but designed to not give away the punch line of the joke.

Those reading solely for entertainment should make sure they take note of the joke rating notations explained at the beginning of each chapter. This way they are warned in advance that a joke may be racier or raunchier than they would like. Just as I do not want to offend my audience when telling a joke, I do not want to offend my readers by having them read a joke which might offend, shock, or embarrass them.

My collection of jokes started at a very young age. When I was just seven years old, my sixteen-year-old cousin would tell me jokes while we were riding the tractor together on his parents' farm in Michigan. He told me about the facts of life so I could understand the humor in the jokes. These "facts" were quickly validated, by watching the animals on the farm.

Since I had been exposed to a great number of more sophisticated jokes than my grade school companions, I became the one to tell jokes in the school yard. Because I was an army brat, and attended more schools than grades as I moved to new cities, states, and countries, I became the Johnny Appleseed of joke telling.

When I went to college my joke telling paid off in other ways. As long as I would tell jokes to my friends and classmates at the local college tavern, they would buy me beer. Since I was working my way through college, free beer was a great luxury as well as a vital part of the college experience.

Later, when I began teaching college courses, giving seminars, accepting speaking engagements, and serving as the MC at various functions, my jokes would often spice up otherwise dull subjects and events. Having a love of telling jokes and a very good memory, I retain the jokes and can still tell thousands from memory. My ability to do this is based on a trick I learned about public speaking. That trick is not to memorize the joke word for word, but to just remember the concept and the punch line and wing the rest. I also embellished my joke telling skills by adopting various accents and sound effects, which fit with the joke I was telling.

Whenever I told jokes in an informal setting, my companions would also share their favorite jokes and I would add those to my collection. Friends and relatives, who knew I was always looking for a new joke, emailed a great number of my jokes to me. As a result, my collection has grown so large that it takes nine volumes to tell them all. If you find a joke that is not included in my collection, please send it to me at teade@mac.com.

Although I have made up a few of the jokes in my collection, most of them are in the public domain. So, although the books are copyrighted, the jokes are not. Being an amateur cartoonist, I have also drawn all of the illustrations in the books and these are copyrighted as well.

All nine volumes of Terry's Joke Collection, as well as several other books I have authored, are available online from Barnes & Noble, the Apple iBookstore, Amazon.com, or directly from the publisher at smashwords.com (where I get a bigger royalty). Just go to any of those sites and search for "Terry Eade." 

# Chapter 1

# Sports & Recreation Jokes

#

Illustration by Terry Eade

Some of the jokes in this chapter may appear in other chapters. For example a joke about a father-in-law at a baseball game may appear here and in the Parent & In-Law Jokes section. However, the jokes will have the same title in both chapters. The illustration above was drawn by the author and is protected by copyright.

The jokes have been annotated by an asterisk (*) for those which have language or content you may find offensive, a double asterisk (**) for those which are risque, and a triple asterisk (***) for those which may not be suitable for mixed company. Those jokes without annotation are more suitable for general audiences and usually more appropriate for speaking engagements. Viewer discretion is recommended.

# A Great Seat

Bob received a free ticket to the Superbowl from his company. Unfortunately, when Bob arrived at the stadium he realized the seat was in the the last row in the corner of the stadium. He was closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the field!

About halfway through the first quarter, Bob noticed an empty seat ten rows off the field right on the 50-yard line. He decided to take a chance and made his way through the the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat.

As he sat down, he asked the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?" The man said "No." Very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob said to the man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Superbowl and not use it?!"

The man replied, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Superbowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."

"That's really sad," said Bob, "but still, couldn't you find someone to take the seat? A relative or a close friend?"

"No," the man replied, "they're all at the funeral."

# Linebacker Potential

Vince Lombardi was driving through rural Wisconsin in a blinding snowstorm. Because of the bad visibility and the slippery road, his car slid off the road and into a deep ditch. Since this was before the days of cell phones, he decided that he would just sit in the car and wait for someone to drive down the road and be able to pull him out of the ditch or send back a tow truck.

Because of the rural nature of the road and the extremely bad weather, there was no traffic on the road. After a couple of hours there was a tap on the window. Vince rolled down the window to find a large Swedish girl bundled up for the storm who had been walking down the road.

Vince asked the girl if she could get a tractor or plow horse from her farm and help him out of the ditch. The girl sized up the situation and told Vince that she could hoist the car out of the ditch by herself. As Vince looked on in amazement, the girl easily lifted the car and placed it back on the road.

"How would you like to quit high school, move to the city and make a lot of money? asked Vince.

"Vat voud I have to dooo to make a lot of money?" says the girl cautiously.

"I would like to have you play with the Green Bay Packers," says Vince.

"Dat sounds like a great opportunity" says the girl, "but I don't play vith anybody's pecker but Oly's."

# The Football Hero

Norv Turner had put together the perfect Redskins team for 97'. The only thing he was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges, and even the high schools and he couldn't find a ringer quarterback that would ensure a Superbowl win. Then one night, while watching CNN, he saw a war zone in Bosnia. In the background, out of the corner of his eye, he spotted a young Bosnian soldier with a truly incredible arm.

He threw a hand grenade straight into a 15th story window 200 yards away Ka-boom!!! He threw another hand grenade into a group of about 10 soldiers a good 110 yards away Ka-Blooey!!! A car passes going around 90 mph Bulls-Eye! Right into it.

I've got to get this guy, Norv says to himself, he has a perfect arm! So, he brings him back to the states and teaches him the great game of football. The Redskins went on to win the Superbowl that year and the young Bosnian is lionized as the Great Hero of Superbowl XXXII. When Norv Turner asked him what he wanted, all the young man wanted to do was call his mother.

"Mom", the young man says into the receiver, "I just won the Superbowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you", the old woman says. "You deserted us. You are not my son".

"I don't think you understand, mother", the young man pleads, "I just won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm in the middle of thousands of adoring fans".

"No, let me tell you", the mother implores. "At this very moment there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week and this week your sister was raped in broad daylight...." The old lady pauses, in tears, "... I'll never forgive you for moving us to Washington"

# Heavenly Reward

The University of Nebraska coach dies and enters the Pearly Gates, God takes him on a tour. He shows the coach a little two-bedroom house with a faded Nebraska banner hanging from the front porch. "This is your house, coach. Most people don't get their own houses up here," God says.

The coach looks at the house, then turns around and looks at the one sitting on top of the hill. It's a huge two-story mansion with white marble columns and little patios under all the windows. Notre Dame flags line both sides of the sidewalk and a huge Fightin' Irish banner hangs between the marble columns.

"Thanks for the house, God. But let me ask you a question. I get this little two-bedroom house with a faded banner and the Notre Dame coach gets a mansion with new Irish banners and flags flying all over the place. Why is that?"

God looks at him seriously for a moment. "That's not the Notre Dame coach's house," God says. "That's mine.

# The Hat Trick *

Three football fans were driving along when they noticed a body in the underbrush. Stopping their car, the three guys ran over to see what they could do. Unfortunately they were too late. They discovered the nude body of a deceased young woman. Being gentlemen, the first guy dropped his Redskins hat over one of her breasts. The second guy, a Jaguars fan, placed his hat over her other breast. The Cowboys fan then placed his hat over the woman's very private part.

Soon the police arrived. The coroner started checking over the body. He picked up the Redskins hat and quickly placed it back. He then picked up the Jaguars hat and returned it. Then he picked up the Cowboy fan's hat, put it down, then picked it up again inspecting the hat more closely, and then put it down.Then he picked it up a third time.

By this time, the Cowboys fan was a bit irritated and he asked, "Why do you keep picking up that hat? Are you some kind of pervert?"

The coroner responded with a wry smile, "Boy, I can't figure this one out at all. Usually when I come across one of these Cowboys hats, there's an asshole under it."

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Bubba's Secret *

The football coach noticed that his star tackle, Bubba had so many women hanging around that he couldn't possibly handle all of them. So one day he asked Bubba, "Just what the hell is your secret?"

So Bubba replies, "Well Coach, whenever I'm about to have sex, I always whip it out and bang it on the dresser like a hammer. That numbs it and I can screw 'em forever!"

The coach went home early one day, and went to the bedroom. He heard his wife in the shower. Seeing a window of opportunity, he tore off his clothes and started banging it on the dresser.

Suddenly from the bathroom he hears his wife turn off the shower and say "Is that you Bubba?"

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Walk Don't Run

A Scottish man was at a baseball game. It was the first time he had ever seen the sport so he sat quietly. The first batter approached the plate, took a few swings and then hit a double. Everyone was on their feet screaming "Run, Run!"

This happened two more times, with a single and a triple. The Scottish man was now excited and ready to get into the game. The next batter came up and four balls went by. The umpire called "walk" and the batter started on a slow trot to first. The Scotsman, extremely excited now, stood up and screamed, "R-R-Run ye bastard, rrrun!"

Everyone around him started laughing so the Scotsman, extremely embarrassed, sat back down. The fan sitting next to the Scotsman noticed his embarrassment, so he leaned over and explained, "He can't run because he got four balls."

The Scotsman immediately stood up and screamed, "Walk with pride, Lad! Walk with pride!"

# The Jogger *

Walt picks up a girl in the bar late at night and they end up going back to her place for the night. About five in the morning she wakes him up from a sound sleep and tells him that her boyfriend has just come into the apartment and he will kill Walt if he finds him there. So Walt jumps out the window and lands in the grass below.

The only problem is that it is five in the morning and he doesn't have any clothes on. At about that time a pack of joggers comes around the corner headed in the right direction. Walt takes advantage of the situation and runs into the middle of the pack and goes jogging down the street with the other runners.

After a few minutes, one of the joggers looks over at Walt and says, "do you always jog in the nude?"

Walt calmly replies "sure I find it very healthy and very invigorating."

"Do you always wear a rubber?" asks the jogger, who has noticed the condom Walt is still wearing.

"Only when it looks like rain" responds Walt without breaking stride.

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# The Bodybuilder

A bodybuilder picks up a woman at a bar and takes her home with him. He takes off his shirt and the woman says "What a great a chest you have",

The bodybuilder tells her "That's 1000 lbs.. of dynamite".

He takes off his pants and the woman says "What massive calves you have."

Again the bodybuilder tells her "That's 1000 lbs.. of dynamite".

He then takes off his underwear and the woman goes running and screaming out of the apartment. The bodybuilder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He finally catches up to her and asks her why she ran out of the apartment.

The woman replies, "I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw what a short fuse you have".

# Lend a Helping Hand

A group of 3rd, 4th and 5th graders, accompanied by 2 female teachers, went on a field trip to the local race track to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry, but mostly to see the horseys. When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, began hoisting the little boys up one by one, and held onto their "wee wees" to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, "You must be in the 5th."

"No, ma'am," he replied, "I'm in the 7th, riding Silver Arrow, but thanks for the lift."

# Out of Your League

Two boys are playing football in the Golden Gate Park when one is attacked by a Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips off a board of the nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's collar and twists, breaking the dog's neck.

A reporter who is strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy. "'Forty Niners' fan saves friend from vicious animal", he starts writing in his notebook.

"But I'm not a Niners fan," the boy replies.

''Oakland Raiders' fan rescues friend from horrific attack," says the reporter as he writes in his notebook.

"I'm not a Raiders fan either," the boy says.

"Then what are you?" the reporter askes.

"I'm a Cowboys fan!!!" the boy says proudly.

The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, "Redneck bastard kills family pet!"

# Play Ball

Bill Clinton and Hillary Clinton were at a Yankees game. Before the game began a secret service man came up to him and whispered in his ear.

Bill Clinton suddenly picked up Hillary and threw her out on the field.

The secret service man came running up to him and said, "Mr. President Sir, I think you misunderstood me; I said throw out the first pitch."

# Baseball in Heaven

Two old guys, Abe and Sol, are sitting on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball, like they do every day. Abe turns to Sol and says, "Do you think there's baseball in heaven?"

Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno. But let's make a deal: if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's baseball in heaven, and if you die first, you do the same."

They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes on. One day soon afterward, Sol is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, "Sol... Sol..."

Sol responds, "Abe! Is that you?"

"Yes it is, Sol," whispers Abe's ghost.

Sol, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in heaven?"

"Well," says Abe, "I've got good news and bad news."

"Gimme the good news first," says Sol.

Abe says, "Well... there is baseball in heaven."

Sol says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?"

Abe sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday."

# Blind Skydiver

A blind man was describing his favorite sport - parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: "I am placed in the door and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go."

"But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked.

"I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground," he answered.

But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" he was again asked.

He quickly answered "Oh, the dog's leash goes slack."

# Tough Exam

Two football players, Bubba and Tiny, were taking an important exam. If they failed, they would be on academic probation and not allowed to play in the big game the following week.

The exam was "fill in the blank" and the last question read, "Old MacDonald had a_____." Bubba was stumped -- he had no idea what to answer, but he knew he needed to get this one right to be sure he passed.

Making sure the professor wasn't watching, he tapped Tiny in the shoulder. "Tiny, what's the answer to the last question?" Tiny laughed, then looked around to make sure the professor hadn't noticed. He turned to Bubba and said, "Bubba, you're so stupid. Everyone knows that Old MacDonald had a FARM."

"Oh yeah," said Bubba, "I remember now." he picked up his No. 2 pencil and started to write the answer in the blank. Then he stopped. Tapping Tiny on the shoulder, he whispered, "Tiny, how do you spell farm?"

"You are really dumb, Bubba. that's so easy," hissed Tiny, "farm is spelled 'E-I-E-I-O'."

# Alabama Football Fans

Bubba was Alabama's star high school lineman. He was great at football, but not at academics. The principal was letting it slide until one day he decided that Bubba's grades had to be better. They decided to make him take a test. It was only one math problem.

Everyone wanted to support Bubba out in the stands, so they held the test in the middle of the football stadium, so everyone could see. His math teacher went out to the center of the field with Bubba. It was test time.

The teacher said, ''Ok, Bubba. What is six plus three?''

Bubba sat and thought. Then he said, ''nine,'' confidently.

But out in the stands, everyone was yelling, ''Aw, c'mon. Give him another chance!''

# Seems Like Home

A new arrival in Hell was brought before the devil.

The devil told his demon to put the man to work on a rock pile with a 20-pound sledge hammer in 95 degree heat with 95% humidity.

At the end of the day, the devil went to see how the man was doing, only to find him smiling and singing as he pounded rocks. The man explained that the heat and hard labor were very similar to those on his beloved farm back in Pennsylvania.

The devil told his demon to turn up the heat to 120 degrees, with 100% humidity.

At the end of the next day, the devil again checked on the new man, and found him still happy to be sweating and straining. The man explained that it felt like the old days, when he had to clean out his silo in the middle of August on his beloved farm back in Pennsylvania.

At that, the devil told his demon to lower the temperature to -20 degrees with a 40 mph wind.

At the end of the next day, the devil was confident that he would find the man miserable. But, instead the man was singing louder than ever, twirling the sledge hammer like a baton.

When the devil asked him why he was so happy, the man answered, "Cold day in hell - the Eagles must have won the Super Bowl!"

# Disabled Swimming Race

Three guys enter a disabled swimming contest. The first has no arms the second no legs and the third has no body, just a head.

They all line up, the whistle blows and "splash" they're all in the pool. The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly, but the guy with no legs is closing fast. The head sank straight to the bottom.

Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first. He can still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool, so he decides he had better dive down to rescue the head guy. He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface and places the head at the side of the pool, where-upon the head starts coughing and spluttering.

Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts: "Three goddamn years I've spent learning to swim with my goddamn ears, then five seconds before the whistle, some bastard puts a swimming cap on me

# Amazing Breath Control

One day, a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 feet below sea level. He noticed a guy at the same depth he was, with no scuba gear on whatsoever.

The diver went below another 10 feet, but the guy joined him a minute later. The diver went below 15 more feet, and a minute later, the same guy joined him.

This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof pad and pencil, and wrote, "Amazing! How are you able to stay this deep down without equipment?"

The guy took the pencil and pad, erased what the diver had written, and wrote, "I'm drowning, you moron!

# Music and Baseball

The St. Louis Symphony was playing Beethoven's Ninth one night. One bass player said to the other: ''We don't have much to do. Let's go next door for a few drinks.'' They stayed for a while and got a little tipsy. One said to the other: ''To give us more time, I tied the pages of the music together so the conductor will have to untie it when he gets near the end.''

They staggered back into the auditorium just in time for the finish. The next day when someone asked their friend how the concert was they replied: ''The most exciting part was at the end of the Ninth when the score was tied and the bassists were loaded.'

# Nuns at a Football Game

There were these three guys at a football game and it just so happened that they were sitting behind three nuns. They couldn't see really well over their habits, so one of the guys says, "Man, I wish I lived in Ohio, there are only 25 Catholics there."

One of the other guys says, "Well, I wish I lived in Idaho because there are only 20 Catholics there."

Then the last guy says, "Well, I wish I lived in Oregon there are only 15 Catholics there."

Then one of the nuns turns around and says, "Why don't you go to hell - there are no Catholics there!"

# Jet Fan's Dog

A guy walks into a bar with his pet dog. The bartender says, "No pets allowed."

The man replied, "This is a special dog. Turn on the Jets game and you'll see."

The bartender, anxious to see what will happen, turns on the game.

The guy says, "Watch. Whenever the Jets score, my dog does flips."

The Jets keep scoring field goals and the dog keeps flipping and jumping.

"Wow! That's one helluva dog you got there! What happens when the Jets score a touchdown?"

The man replied, "I don't know. I've only had him for 7 years!"

# The Corporate Ladder

The game of choice for unemployed people or maintenance level workers is basketball.

The game of choice for frontline workers is football.

The game of choice for middle management is tennis.

The game of choice for CEOs and executives is golf.

Conclusion: The higher up on the corporate ladder you are, the smaller your balls are.

# Extreme Sports

Two morons stand on a cliff with their arms outstretched. One has some budgies lined up on each arm, the other has parrots lined up on his arms.

After a couple of minutes, they both leap off the cliff and fall to the ground.

Laying next to each other in intensive care at the hospital, one moron says to the other, "I don't think much of this budgie jumping."

The other moron replies, "Yeah, I'm not too keen on this parasailing either."

# A Nutty Baseball Game

A doctor at an insane asylum, decided to take his inmates to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands.

When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well. As the national anthem started, the doctor yelled, "Up nuts!" and the inmates complied by standing up. After the anthem he yelled, "Down Nuts!" and they all sat. After a home run he yelled, "Cheer nuts!" and they all broke into applause and cheers.

Thinking things were going very well, he decided to go get a beer and a hot-dog, leaving his assistant in charge. When he returned there was a riot in progress. Finding his assistant, he asked what happened.

The assistant replied, "well... everything was fine until some guy walked by and yelled, 'PEANUTS!'"

# Redneck Olympians

Three rednecks were trying to sneak into the Olympic Village while in Atlanta to scoop souvenirs and autographs. The first says, "Let's watch the registration table to see if there's a crack in the security system that we can utilize to scam our way in."

Immediately, a burly athlete walks up to the table and states, "Angus MacPherson. Scotland. Shotput." He opens his gym bag to display a shotput to the registration attendant.

The attendant says, "Very good, Mr. MacPherson. Here is your packet of registration materials, complete with hotel keys, passes to all Olympic events, meal tickets, and other information."

The first guy gets inspired and grabs a small tree sapling, strips off the limbs and roots, walks up the registration table and states: "Chuck Wagon. Canada. Javelin."

The attendant says, "Very good, Mr. Wagon. Here is your packet of registration materials, hotel keys, passes, meal tickets, and so forth. Good luck!"

The second guy grabs a street utility manhole cover, walks up to the registration table and states: "Dusty Rhodes. Australia. Discus."

The attendant says, "Terrific, Mr. Rhodes. Here is your packet of registration materials, hotel keys, a full set of passes, and meal tickets. Enjoy yourself."

They scamper in, but suddenly realize the third guy is missing. They groan, because he's a simpleton from the hills of Vermont. They forgot to make sure he doesn't do something stupid and blow their cover stories.

Just then he walks proudly up to the table with a roll of barbed wire under his arm and states: "Foster Bean. Hardwick, Vermont. Fencing."

# Sport Analogies

Two black guys, Leroy and Amos are sitting outside Leroy's gas station in rural Alabama having an RC Cola. Leroy says "It sure is hard being black. We get the bad end of the deal with every sport. Hockey is a bunch of white guys slappin a black puck around. Pool you have a white ball trying to knock the black ball and all the other colored balls in a hole."

"That's not entirely true," says Amos, "in bowling the shoe is on the other foot."

"How is that?" Says Leroy.

"Well," says Amos, "in bowling you have a big black ball knocking down a bunch of white rednecks."

# Athlete's College Entrance Exam

You Must Answer Two (2) or More Questions Correctly to Qualify. Football Players need only get one answer correctly, and may repeat the test three times.

1. What language is spoken in France?

2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions. OR Give the first name of PIERRE Trudeau.

3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to: (a) build a bridge (b) sail the ocean (c) lead an army (d) WRITE A PLAY

4. What religion is the Pope? (Check only one) (a) Jewish (b) CATHOLIC (c) Hindu (d) Moslem (e) Agnostic

5. Metric conversion. How many feet in 0.0 meters?

6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 1?

7. How many commandments was Moses given? (Approximate)

8. What are people in America's far north called? (a) Westerners (b) Southerners (C) NORTHERNERS

9. Spell -- CAT, DOG, PIG

10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five.

EXTRA CREDIT: Using your fingers, count from 1-5.

# Men's Figure Skating

It is the Olympic men's figure skating. Out comes the Russian competitor, he skates around to some classical music in a slightly dull costume, performs some excellent leaps but without any great artistic feel for the music.

The Judges' scores read: Britain 5.8: Russia 5.9: United States 5.5: Ireland 6.0

Next comes the American competitor in a sparkling stars and stripes costume, skating to some rock and roll music. He gets the crowd clapping, but is not technically as good as the Russian. He slightly misses landing a triple Salchow and loses the center during a spin. But, artistically, it is a more satisfying performance.

The Judges' scores read: Britain 5.8: Russia 5.5: United States 5.9: Ireland 6.0

Finally out comes the Irish competitor wearing a tatty old donkey jacket, with his skates tied over his wellies. He reaches the ice, trips straight away and bangs his nose which starts bleeding. He tries to get up, staggers a few paces then slips again. He spends his entire 'routine' getting up then falling over again. Finally he crawls off the ice a tattered and bleeding mess.

The Judges' scores read: Britain 0.0: Russia 0.0: United States 0.0: Ireland 6.0

The other 3 judges turn to the Irish judge and demand in unison, "How the hell can you give that mess 6.0?!"

To which the Irish judge replies "You've gotta remember, it's damn slippery out there."

# Wrong Religion

There was an American basketball player named Bobby that had a tournament in Belfast. After one of his games he stepped outside for a breath of fresh air when he felt a gun in his back.

"What's your religion?" he heard the man growl.

Bobby had no real religion but he knew if he said he was Catholic and this guy was a Protestant he would kill him and if he said he was Protestant and the guy was Catholic he would kill him.

Thinking quickly he said "I'm Jewish."

The gunman replied, "Oh Allah I must be the luckiest Arab in all of Ireland."

# The Pretzel Hold

Before the final match, the American wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "Now don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this "pretzel" hold he has. Whatever you do, don't let him get you in this hold! If he does, you're finished!"

The wrestler nodded in agreement.

Now, to the match: The American and the Russian circled each other several times looking for an opening. All of a sudden the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold!

A sigh of disappointment went up from the crowd, and the trainer buried his face in his hands for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the ending.

Suddenly there was a scream, a cheer from the crowd, and the trainer raised his eye just in time to see the Russian flying up in the air. The Russian's back hit the mat with a thud, and the American weakly collapsed on top of him, getting the pin and winning the match.

The trainer was astounded! When he finally got the American wrestler alone, he asked, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"

The wrestler answered, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold, but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of balls right in front of my face. I thought I had nothing to lose, so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls!"

# The Winning Run

Coming home from his Little League game, Billy swung open the front door very excited. Unable to attend the game, his father immediately wanted to know what happened.

"So, how did you do, son?" he asked.

"You'll never believe it!" Billy said. "I was responsible for the winning run!"

"Really? How'd you do that?"

"I dropped the ball."

# A Noble Sacrifice

Eleven women were clinging precariously to a wildly swinging rope suspended from a crumbling outcropping on Mount Everest. Ten were blonde, one was a brunette.

As a group they decided that one of the party should let go. If that didn't happen the rope would break and everyone would perish.

For an agonizing few moments no one volunteered.

Finally the brunette gave a truly touching speech saying she would sacrifice herself to save the lives of the others. All the blondes applauded. 

# Coach Wants a Raise

The basketball coach stormed into the university president's office and demanded a raise right then and there.

"Please," protested the college President, "you already make more than the entire History department."

"Yeah, maybe so, but you don't know what I have to put up with," the coach blustered. "Look."

He went out into the hall and grabbed a jock who was jogging down the hallway. "Run over to my office and see if I'm there," he ordered.

Twenty minutes later the jock returned, sweaty and out of breath.

"You're not there, sir," he reported.

"Oh, I see what you mean," conceded the President, scratching his head. "I would have phoned."

# The Most Painful Part

A group of guys and one girl are sitting together at a ball game. During the game the guys notice that the girl knows just as much about the game as themselves, and are really impressed.

After the game they ask her "how is it that you know so much about baseball?"

She says, "Well, I used to be a guy and got a sex change."

The guys are amazed, but very curious about the process. "what was the most painful part of the process? Was it when they cut off your penis?"

"That was very painful, but was not the most painful part."

"Was it when they cut off your balls?"

"That was very painful, but was not the most painful part."

"What was the most painful part?"

"The part that hurt the most was when they cut my salary in half!"

# Fasten Your Seatbelt

Muhammed Ali had just won the world heaveyweight championship title. He was really pumped with his own self importance, and kept saying "I am the greatest." On his way back home he boarded a commercial airliner and had taken his seat in the first class cabin when the stewardess came over and asked him to fasten his seatbelt.

Ali told the stewardess, "Superman don't need no seatbelt."

The stewardess replied, "Champ, Superman don't need no airplane."

# Husbands and Sports

Three women were sitting around talking about their sex lives.

The first said, "I think my husband's like a championship golfer. He's spent the last ten years perfecting his stroke."

The second woman said, "My husband's like the winner of the Indy 500. Every time we get into bed he gives me several hundred exciting laps."

The third woman was silent until she was asked, "Tell us about your husband."

She thought for a moment and said, "My husband's like an Olympic gold-medal-winning quarter-miler."

"How so?"

"He's got his time down to under 40 seconds."

# Good Sportsmanship

At one point during a game, the coach said to one of his young players, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win together as a team?"

The little boy nodded yes.

"So," the coach continued, "when a strike is called or you're out at first, you don't argue or curse or attack the umpire. Do you understand all that?"

Again the little boy nodded.

"Good," said the coach.

"Now go over there and explain it to your mother." 

# The Ski Trip

Peter decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Peter's station wagon and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm house and asked the attractive lady of the house if they could spend the night.

"I'm recently widowed," she explained, "and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Not to worry," Peter said, "we'll be happy to sleep in the barn."

Nine months later, Peter got a letter from the widow's attorney. He then went up to visit his friend Bob and said, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow at the farm we stayed at?"

"Yes, I do."

"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and have sex with her?"

"Yes, I have to admit that I did."

"Did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, I'm afraid I did."

"Well, thanks! She just died and left me everything!"

# Blonde at a Football Game

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. Afterward he asked her how she liked the game.

"I liked it, but I couldn't understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents," she said.

"What do you mean?" he asked.

"Well, everyone kept yelling, "Get the quarter back!"

# Play Ball

Bill Clinton and Hillary Clinton were at a Yankees game. Before the game began a secret service man came up to him and whispered in his ear.

Bill Clinton suddenly picked up Hillary and threw her out on the field.

The secret service man came running up to him and said, "Mr. President Sir, I think you misunderstood me; I said throw out the first pitch."

# That's My Secret

A man is showering in a locker room with his buddy when he notices his friend is very well endowed.

"Damn Bob, you're hung!"

Jim exclaims. "I wasn't always this impressive, I had to work for it."

"What do you mean?" Jim asked.

"Well, everyday for the past two years I've spent an hour each night rubbing it with butter. I know it sounds crazy but it actually made it grow 4 inches! You should try it." Jim agrees and the two say good bye.

A few months later the two are in the same locker room and Bob asks Jim how his situation was. Jim replied, "I did what you said, Bob, but I've actually gotten smaller -- I lost two inches already!"

"Did you do everything I told you? An hour each day with butter?"

"Well, I was out of butter, so I've been using Crisco."

"Crisco?!?" Bob exclaimed, "Dammit Jim, Crisco is shortening."

# Enterprising Old Woman

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her...."Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag..."

"Damn!" says the little old lady....."I'd better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!"

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money?" "Did you steal it?"

"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!"

"So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say: $20 or off it comes!"

"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well", says the little old lady, "not all of them pay up"....

# Bear Abuse

Mama and Papa Bear are accused of child abuse. Baby Bear is put on the stand to testify and is asked by the judge, "Do you want to live with Papa Bear?"

"No," Baby Bear replies, "he beats me."

Then the judge asks, "Do you want to live with Mama Bear?"

"No," Baby Bear replies, "she beats me too."

So the Judge says, "Who do you want to live with then?"

Baby Bear replies, "I want to live with the Chicago Bears, they don't beat anybody."

# End an Argument

Two women were at a bar. One looked at the other and said, "You know, 80 percent of all men think the best way to end an argument is to make love."

"Well," said the other woman," that will certainly revolutionize the game of hockey!"

# Walking Billboard *

Dennis Rodman picks up a woman in a bar. They like each other and she goes back with him to his hotel room.

He removes his shirt revealing all his tattoos and she sees that on his arm is one, which reads, "Reebok".

She thinks that's a bit odd and asks him about it.

Dennis says, "When I play basketball, the cameras pick up the tattoo and Reebok pays me for advertisement".

A bit later, his pants are off and she sees "Puma" tattooed on his leg.

He gives the same explanation for the unusual tattoo.

Finally, the underwear comes off and she sees the word "AIDS" tattooed on his penis.

She jumps back with shock.

"I'm not going to do it with a guy who has AIDS!"

He says, "It's cool baby, in a minute it's going to say "ADIDAS".

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Chapter 2

# Substitute Jokes

#

Illustration by Terry Eade

Some of the jokes in this chapter may appear in other chapters. For example a joke about a sheep herder from New Zealand may appear here and in the Nationality & Ethnic Jokes section. However, the jokes will have the same title in both chapters. The illustration above was drawn by the author and is protected by copyright.

The jokes have been annotated by an asterisk (*) for those which have language or content you may find offensive, a double asterisk (**) for those which are risque, and a triple asterisk (***) for those which may not be suitable for mixed company. Those jokes without annotation are more suitable for general audiences and usually more appropriate for speaking engagements. Viewer discretion is recommended.

# Sheep Country *

In the old wild west, an eastern newspaper reporter had just arrived in a new western town when he noticed a curious lack of women.

Walking into the local saloon, he asked a cowboy, "What do you fellas do around here for entertainment?"

"Ya mean women?" asked the cowboy. "We ain't got none. Round here folks just fuck sheep."

"That's disgusting," cried the reporter, "I've never heard of such moral degradation."

However, after a few months, the reporters balls were beginning to ache and the sheep were looking more and more attractive. So he finally went out and found himself a comely sheep, brought her back to his room, shampooed her and then tied ribbons in her hair. After a bottle of champagne, he lured the sheep into his bedchamber and released his pent-up frustrations.

Afterward, he escorted his four-legged lover to the saloon for a drink. As the reporter and his wooly mate entered, a hush fell over the patrons and the anxious couple became the object of many stares.

"You goddamn bunch of hypocrites!" the reporter yelled. "You've been fucking sheep for years, but when I do it up right you look at me like I'm some kind of crazy pervert!"

One cowboy spoke up, "Yeah, but that's the sheriff's gal."

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# French Foreign Legion *

The young French Foreign Legion Lieutenant had just been promoted to Captain and assigned as the commander of a post in the desert of Algiers. After a few weeks on the job the young Captain called in his First Sergeant and asks him what there is to do around the post after hours.

"Well sir," responds the Sergeant "their are no women on the post but the men have chipped in and purchased a camel, which is tied out behind the barracks. If you would like me to put you on the list for the camel I would be pleased to be of service to you."

"I'm shocked," says the Captain indignantly, "I'm an officer in the French Foreign Legion and I would not stoop to such conduct. I'm insulted that you even thought I would do such a thing."

Several months go buy and the young Captain is getting extremely horney. One day he calls in the First Sergeant and says "I would like to apologize for my outburst about the camel when I first came to the post, I know that you were just looking out for my best interest. I have also considered that I may look arrogant to the men for not considering the use of their camel. So If it is not too much trouble I would like you to sign me up for a turn with the camel."

The Sergeant signs the Captain up for the camel and tells him the date. For the week before the Captains date with the camel, the Captain is getting very excited and checking off each day on his calendar. As soon as the Captain has finished his duties on the big day he takes a bath, puts on a clean uniform and goes out behind the barracks for his big rendezvous with the camel. He finds a stool beside the camel and puts it behind the camel stands on the stool and starts screwing the camel. After a few minutes he notices that all the men are leaning out the back windows of the barracks watching him and laughing. The Captain has waited a long time for this and does not give up until he is finished, even though the men are laughing harder and harder.

The next day the embarrassed Captain calls the First Sergeant into his office and demands an explanation.

"I thought you told me that you and all the men were signed up for the camel,"says the Captain.

"That's right sir," says the First Sergeant.

"Then why were they all laughing at me?" asks the Captain.

"Well sir," says the Sergeant " the men usually just ride the camel into town, that's were the women are."

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# North to Alaska *

During the Alaskan Gold Rush two friends, from Seattle sold everything they had and went north to seek their fortune. As soon as they got to the mining town they had a few drinks in the saloon and then went over to the general store to equip themselves for a full year of mining in the hills. After they had selected all of the picks, pans, food, and other supplies the store keeper made them a special offer.

"Just thought I would let you fellas know that we just got in an order of pine boards and they're going to go fast. Real nice knot holes too," continued the storekeeper.

"What do we need with pine boards?" asks one of the new miners.

"Oh," says the storekeeper, " I thought you knew, well lets just say it gets pretty lonely up in those hills and after a few months a pine board with a knot hole looks pretty good, If you know what I mean."

"No were not interested in that," we'll get through the winter just fine without anything like that" say the new miners.

The next Summer the two partners are back in town for supplies. After they had purchased all the provisions, they inquired if the storekeeper had any of those pine boards available. So they added the pine boards to their list of supplies and headed back to the hills for another year of mining.

The next Summer one of the partners came in by himself and started picking up supplies. The storekeeper says "Hey where's your partner?"

"I don't have a partner anymore," says the miner "If you're talking about that low down pole cat I was in here with last year, I shot him.

"You shot him," exclaims the shopkeeper in horror, "what happened?"

"I caught that no good bastard sleeping with my board," says the miner.

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Jungle Romance *

A big game hunter named Clyde and his assistant Arnie have received a contract from a zoo to go into the jungle of Africa and trap a number of animals for the zoo. After a couple of months away from civilization things start to get a little tense.

One night Clyde says to Arnie, "I'm so horney I'm going to screw that big female gorilla we have in the cage."

"That could be dangerous," says Arnie "and she might even get escape."

But Clyde has an Idea. So they take the gorilla out of the cage and stake her out on the ground with a rope tied to each of her hands and legs and staked securely to the ground. Then Clyde climbs on and attempts to relieve his pent up stress. After a few minutes Clyde says "This is just not working, she is just too ugly."

"I have an idea," says Arnie and he runs to the tent and gets a bag to put over the gorilla's head.

With the bag over the gorilla's head things are much better and once again Clyde is having sex with the gorilla and they are both getting quite excited. The gorilla is so excited she pulls out the stake on one of her arms and is now crushing Clyde into her chest.

"Pull it off, Pull it off," screams Clyde with great urgency.

Arnie, who is pulling on the rope with all his strength responds "I can't she is just too strong."

"Not her arm," says Clyde "pull off the bag, I want to kiss her!!"

* Contains language or content you may find offensive

# Old Gus

After a few months in prison, Wally was talking to a fella he met named Bill. They were talking about how things were on the outside and how they missed going to the bars and picking up women.

"Well if things get too bad," says Bill "I can fix you up with old Gus."

"No way," says Wally "I don't go for that shit."

A few months later Wally sees Bill in the exercise yard and says "If I were to have old Gus, just who would have to know about it?"

"Well," says Bill "You, me, old Gus of course, and then there's Pete and Eddie."

"Who are Pete and Eddie?" says Wally "and why would they have to know."

"Oh," says Bill "they're the two guys holding old Gus, he doesn't go for that shit either."

# The Fishing Boat *

Phil had signed on as a deckhand on a fishing boat out of Seattle for the Summer as a way of paying his college expenses. After a few weeks at sea he heard the guys talking about going down to the barrel.

"What is the barrel?" he asked a couple of the regular seamen.

"It's how we all keep from going crazy while were out on these long trips," says one of the regular crew, but you have to clear it with the First Mate.

So the First Mate explains to Phil that every Tuesday and Friday nights there is a barrel in the hold behind the galley and if you're signed up you can be one of the ten crewmen who get to use the barrel that night. "It's not like being in port, but were going to be out here a long time" says the First Mate.

So Phil gets signed up for Friday and when it's his turn he sticks his cock through the hole in the barrel and gets relief from all his pent up frustrations. So he goes to the First Mate and wants to sign up for Tuesday.

"Tuesday is all taken up," says the First Mate "but I can get you in next Friday."

Phil then comes to the First Mate and wants to get signed up for the next Tuesday. The First Mate tells him that Tuesday is all filled up.

"What about next Friday?" says Phil.

"No that won't work either," says the First Mate.

"Why not?" says Phil.

"Oh, didn't I tell you" says the First Mate, "that's your night in the barrel.

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# What are You Doing? *

An elderly woman comes home and finds her daughter in bed with a vibrator. She screams at her "What are you doing???"

The daughter says, "Mom, I'm 40 years old. I'm not married and I don't have a date. It's the nineties, give me a break!!" The mother shakes her head and leaves.

The next day the father walks in on the daughter and finds the same thing.....he screams "What's going on here???" The daughter explains the same situation to him....he shakes his head and leaves .

That night the mother comes into the kitchen and finds the father sitting at the table, a beer in one hand and the vibrator in the other. She says " What on earth are you doing with that??"

The father sits back and replies..." Hey, leave me alone, can't a guy have a beer with his son-in law?"

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# I'll Take that One *

The clerk at an adult sex store is having a slow day when one of his friends walks in. "Would you mind watching the store for me for a few minutes while I run down the block and take care of something?"

The friend agrees so the clerk quickly shows him how to answer the phone and run the cash register and then takes off. A few minutes after the clerk has departed a Scandinavian woman comes in and wants to buy a dildo. The friend shows her the stock in the display case and she chooses a large black one.

"I'll take that one," says the Scandinavian woman "I've never had a black one before."

A few minutes later a black woman comes into the store and she is also looking for a dildo. The friend shows her the dildos in the display case and the black woman chooses a medium sized white one.

"I've never had a white one before," says the black woman as she pays for the dildo.

A few minutes later a blonde walks in and says that she is interested in purchasing a dildo. The blonde looks at all the models in the display case and can't find anything which interests her. Then she spots something on the shelf behind the display case.

"I'll take that really big plaid one on the shelf," says the blonde "I've never had a plaid one before."

Shortly after the blonde has left the store, the clerk returns and thanks his friend for helping out. Did you have any business, while I was gone?" says the clerk.

"Yea," says the friend "I sold two dildos and your thermos."

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Bovine Fantasy

A young cowboy named Dave was courting Mabel, who lived on an adjoining ranch out west in cattle country. One evening, as they were sitting on Dave's porch watching the sun go down over the hills, Dave spied his prize bull doing the business on one of his cows. He sighed in contentment at this idyllic rural scene and figured the omens were right for him to put the hard word on Mabel.

He leaned in close and whispered in her ear, "Mabel, I'd sure like to be doing what that bull is doing."

"Well then, why don't you? "Mabel whispered back. "It is your cow."

# Anniversary Presents *

Three men, a doctor, a lawyer, and a biker were sitting in a bar talking over a few drinks.

After a sip of his Martini, the doctor said, "You know, tomorrow is my anniversary. I bought my wife a diamond ring and a new Mercedes. I figure if she doesn't like the diamond ring, then at least she will like the Mercedes, and she will know that I love her."

After finishing his scotch, the lawyer said, "Well, on my last anniversary, I bought my wife a string of pearls and a trip to the Bahamas. I figured if she didn't like the pearls, then at least she would have enjoyed the trip, and she would have known that I loved her."

The biker then took a big swig from his beer, and said, "Yeah, well for my anniversary, I got my old lady a t-shirt and a vibrator. I figured if she didn't like the t-shirt, then she could go fuck herself."

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Dogs will be Dogs **

Two dogs, a poodle and a great dane, were in the waiting room at the vet's office. The poodle was very nervous and started a conversation with the great dane by saying, "Boy, did I screw up yesterday."

His neighbor, being sympathetic, asked what happened.The poodle explained, "My owner is a very religious lady who recently became engaged to the choir director of her church. His family came over to meet me.

I don't know what it was about his mother, but when she walked in I lost control and started humping her leg. I couldn't stop. They eventually got a hold of my collar, damn near choked me to death and then threw me in the back room, so now I'm here to be castrated."

The great dane said, "I can understand your situation. My owner is an old spinster who never lets me go out. Yesterday she had just completed her shower and was bent over the tub cleaning it out when I walked by. When I saw her bare ass in the air, I lost control. I mounted her and rode her for all she was worth. I stayed on her until we both collapsed from exhaustion."

The poodle then said, "So I guess you are here to be castrated also?"

"No," said the great dane, "I'm here to get my nails clipped."

_** Risque_

# The Shy Guy *

A large black limousine pulls up outside a brothel. A tall uniformed chauffeur gets out and goes into the brothel and locates the proprietor. "I work for a very wealthy recluse who is interested in a discrete sexual encounter with one of your prostitutes, but he is very shy and self-conscious about his body. You should also know that he is very rich and very lonely and if you succeed in satisfying his urges you will have a repeat customer to whom price is no object."

Thrilled by the prospect of a rich, repeat customer, the proprietor lines up her best girl and her best room. she also informs the girl about the guy's shyness and tells her to keep the lights out. The guy comes in a trench coat with the collar pulled up, sun glasses, and a hat pulled down over his eyes. After about fifteen minutes, the chauffeur comes to the proprietor and says this is not working out, apparently there is enough light coming through the shade to make the recluse self-conscious.

Not wanting to loose the business, the proprietor suggests a solution. She makes a few calls and then tells the chauffeur that she has located a very attractive prostitute from another establishment who is blind. The chauffeur informs his boss that they have located a girl who could not see him even in a lit room so he agrees to give it another try. A few Minutes after the blind girl and the recluse go into the room, the chauffeur again returns to the proprietor and again informs her that things are not working out. "What is wrong this time," the proprietor asks. "Well even though the girl is blind she is still able to feel his skinny ribs and even though she is telling him what a stud he is, my boss says he knows what she is really thinking," responds the chauffeur.

Still not willing to give up on this potentially lucrative venture, the proprietor tells the chauffeur that she has one more idea. This time she locates a blow-up-doll with life-like skin and all the right orifices for a sexual encounter. The chauffeur tells the recluse that the next girl will not feel his body nor say anything and convinces him to give it one more try. The proprietor puts the doll in a dark room, so that the recluse will not know that the girl is not real. After several minutes both the proprietor and the chauffeur are optimistic that they have come across the perfect solution.

Then the recluse appears in the doorway fully dressed with his hat, coat, and sunglasses. The chauffeur goes over and talks to the recluse then comes back to the proprietor, hands her a hundred dollar bill, and says "This is for your efforts, but apparently we will not be coming back." "What went wrong this time?" inquires the proprietor. The chauffeur put his hand to his mouth and whispered, "Apparently everything was going fine until the girl farted and flew out the window."

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Two Dutch Girls *

Two Dutch girls are riding their old rickety bikes down the back streets of Amsterdam one late afternoon. As it turns closer towards dusk, the increasing darkness of the streets starts making the two girls a little nervous when one girl leans over to the other and says,

"You know, I've never come this way before."

The other girl says, "It's the cobblestones."

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Sheepishly Selfish *

An Australian was walking down a country road in New Zealand, when he happened to glance over the fence and see a farmer going at it with a sheep.

The Aussie is quite taken aback by this, so he climbs the fence and walks over to the farmer. He taps him on the shoulder and says, "You know mate, back home, we shear those!"

The New Zealander looks frantically around and says, "I'm not bloody shearing this with no one!"

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# A Good Old Boy *

A guy walks into a bar in Arkansas and orders a white wine. Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, surprised, and the bartender looks around and says, "You ain't from around here, are ya? Where ya from, boy?"

The guy says, "I'm from Iowa."

The bartender asks, "What the heck you do in Iowa?"

The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender asks, "A taxidermist? Now just what the heck is a taxidermist?"

The guy says nervously, "I mount animals."

The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, "It's okay boys, he's one of us!"

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Not the Cow *

On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons. Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family's only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her -- how could she possibly continue to feed her family now?

In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself. When the man awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head.

Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself. When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, "I've seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you." The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river.

Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river. The mermaid said to him, "If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I will make everything right." And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river.

The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in. And there he also met the mermaid. "I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row." The young son replied, "Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?" The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said, "Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?" And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, "Why not THIRTY times in a row?"

Finally, she said, "Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health." Then the young son asked, "Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row won't kill you like it did the cow?"

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Wild Weekend *

Bill goes to the pharmacist and says, "Listen, these two girls are coming over this weekend, and they are hot, very hot. Would you have something to keep me going all night?

The pharmacist goes in the back room, comes back with an old dusty bottle and says, "This stuff is very potent so drink only one ounce. I guarantee that you will be doing the wild thing all night. Let me know how it goes."

The weekend goes by and on Monday morning, the pharmacist goes to work and finds Bill waiting for him on the door-step. "What are you doing here so early?" the pharmacist says, "I thought you would be home resting after your wild weekend?"

" I need some Blue Ice or Ben Gay and I need it bad."

The pharmacist, knowing what the guy had been doing all weekend, says, "Are you crazy, you can't put that on your penis. The skin is way too sensitive."

Bill says, "No, no, It's not for that, it's for my arm."

Pharmacist: "What?? What happened?"

Bill replies, "Well...I drank the whole bottle of your potion."

Pharmacist: "Oh my god, and then what?"

"The girls never showed up!" says Bill

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Get Out of My Church

The preacher stood before the congregation. ''Brothers and Sisters, I understand that there have been some he'n and she'n going on. I will not tolerate fornication in my church. All of those who are guilty, leave my presence.'' So some men and women exited the church.

''Brothers and Sisters, I also understand that there have been some he'n and he'n goin' on. Those who are guilty, leave my presence.'' So some embarrased men exited the church.

''Brothers and Sisters, I also understand that there have been some she'n and she'n going on. Those who are guilty, leave my presence.'' So some women got up and exited the church. The preacher looked around and the only one left in the church was a little boy sittin' in the front pew. The preacher walked up to the boy.

''I would like to commend you for being such an upright, loyal Christian.''

''Hold up now preacher. If you had gotten down to some me'n and some me'n, I'd have to get up and leave too!''

# Wild Thing

The old man's regular barber had retired and so he had gone to one of the new chain, unisex hair styling salons to get his regular conservative haircut. Not only did they not have any of his favorite sports or car magazines, but most of the clientile were women and younger folks.

As the old man was sitting uncomfortably in the waiting area, reading a People Magazine, a young man pulled up outside in a custom chopper with loud pipes. After the young guy had parked his bike and taken off his leathers he walked in and sat down. The young guy had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, blue, and yellow.

The old man just stared.

The young man said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"

Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son."

# A Down Under Virgin

An American woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man who has never been with a woman sexually.

After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad. She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian Outback. And after a long-distance courtship, they decide to get married.

On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the festivities. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner.

"What happened?" she asks.

"I've never been with a woman," he says. "But if it's anything like screwing a kangaroo I'm gonna need all the room I can get!

# Really Supernatural

A visiting professor at the University of Montana is giving a seminar on the supernatural.

To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?"

About 90 students raise their hands.

"Well that's a good start," says the professor, "Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?"

About 40 students raise their hands.

"That's really good," continues the professor, "I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"

15 students raise their hands.

"That's a great response," remarks the impressed professor, "has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"

Three students raise their hands.

"That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question further... Have any of you ever had sex with a ghost?" asks the professor.

One student in the back raises his hand.

The professor is astonished. He takes off glasses, takes a step back, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have had sex with a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."

The redneck student replies with a nod and begins to make his way up to the podium.

The professor asks, "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost."

The student replies, "Ghost?!?" Dang, I thought you said 'goats.'

# Customer Service **

An old woman goes in to a sex shop, shaking.

"Sir," she says in a shaky voice, "do you sell vibrators?"

"Yes, ma'am."

"And are they this big around, this long, and take four D cell batteries?" she asks in a shaky voice.

"Yes, ma'am."

"And they're $22.95?" she asks in a shaky voice.

"Yes, ma'am."

"How do you turn them off?

_** Risque_

# Fairy Tale Romance *

Police arrested Joe Bloggs, a 27-year old white male and resident of Wimbledon UK, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38pm Friday. Bloggs will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication at the County courthouse on Monday. The suspect allegedly stated that after a night of drinking, as he was passing a pumpkin patch, he decided to stop.

"You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a phone interview from the County courthouse jail. Bloggs went on to state that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, poked a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need."

"I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment. In the process, Bloggs apparently failed to notice the Wimbledon Municipal police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until Officer B.T. approached him.

"It was an unusual situation, that's for sure." said Officer BT. "I walked up to (Bloggs) and he's...just working away at this pumpkin".

BT went on to describe what happened when she approached Bloggs: "I just went up and said, 'Excuse me, sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?' He got real surprised as you'd expect and then looked me straight in the face and said, 'A pumpkin? Damn...is it midnight already?'"

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Who is That Man? **

A Farmer wakes up when he hears some strange sounds in the barnyard. He gets dressed and goes outside to find a man screwing one of his sheep and a little boy watching.

He walks up to the boy and says ''Who's that screwing my sheep?''

The boy replies, ''That's my Daaaaaaaad."

_** Risque_

# Going Ape **

A certain zoo had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very horny, and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined the problem was that she was in heat. What to do? There was no male of this species available.

While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators noticed Mike, an employee responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Now Mike, it was rumored, possessed ample ability to satisfy any female, and he wasn't very bright. So the zoo administrators thought they might have a solution. Perhaps they could entice Mike to satisfy the female gorilla.

So he was approached with a proposition: would he be willing to screw the gorilla for five hundred bucks?

Mike replied that he might be interested, but would have to think the matter over.

The following day, Mike announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions:

"First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her."

"Second, I want nothing to do with any offspring that may result from this union."

The zoo administration quickly acceded to these conditions, but what could be the third?

"Well," said Mike, "You've gotta give me another week to come up with the five hundred bucks."

_** Risque_

# The Pet Frog **

A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday. After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive. She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune.

"Well," said the clerk, "I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been trained to give blowjobs !"

"Blowjobs!", the woman replied.

"It hasn't been proven, but we've sold 30 of them this month," he said.

The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true...no more blowjobs for her ! She bought the frog. When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely skeptical and laughed it off.

The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again.

In the middle the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds. She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks.

"What are you two doing at this hour?" she asked.

The husband replied," If I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is gone."

_** Risque_

# The Gay Grizzly Bear ***

There once was a bear hunter who was having no luck in finding his quarry. All at once, he felt a tap on his shoulder from behind. It was a huge grizzly bear.

The hunter's shock was increased when the bear spoke to him. "You are hunting me, I'll bet", said the bear. "You may choose your punishment. Either I will maul you to death or fuck you up the ass!"

The hunter didn't want to die, so he consented to give the bear the pleasure of his booty. The bear left satisfied and the hunter returned to his cabin.

The next day, the hunter decided to kill the bear for revenge. But, as luck would have it, the grizzly found him first. Once again, the hunter felt the tap on his shoulder and the bear made his request. The hunter dropped his pants, bent over, and took what the beast had to offer.

The third day, the hunter was really irate and decided he would torture and kill that bear! Once more, though, the bear was the better hunter. When the man felt the familiar tap on his shoulder, he expected to hear the grizzly's offer of a choice again, but this time the bear just said, "You're not really into this for the hunting anymore, are you?!

_*** May not be suitable for mixed company_

# A Real Horse Lover

"I'm in love with my horse," the nervous young man told his psychiatrist.

"Nothing to worry about," the psychiatrist consoled. "Many people are fond of animals. As a matter of fact, my wife and I have a dog we are very attached to."

"But, doctor," continued the troubled patient, "I feel physically attracted to my horse."

"Hmmm," observed the doctor. "Is it male or female?"

"Female, of course!" the man replied curtly. "What do you think I am, queer?"

# Talk to the Animals

While riding his horse one day, a cowboy met an Indian also riding along. The Indian had a dog and a sheep following him. The Cowboy and Indian began a conversation:

Cowboy: "Hey, cool dog you have there - mind if I speak to him?"

Indian: "Dog no talk."

Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"

Dog: "Doin' alright."

Indian: (look of shock)

Cowboy: "Is this Indian your owner?" (pointing at the Indian)

Dog: "Yep"

Cowboy: "How does he treat you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play."

Indian: (look of total disbelief)

Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Indian: "Horse no talk."

Cowboy: "Hey, horse, how's it going?"

Horse: "Cool."

Indian: (extreme look of shock)

Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" (again pointing at the Indian)

Horse: "Yep."

Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in a shed to protect me."

Indian: (total look of utter amazement)

Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

Indian: "Sheep is a liar."

# Hillbilly Interview *

There was a reporter from the city stuck in a small mountainous town in West Virginia. He decided to use the time by getting a good story to submit to his boss. He saw an old man sitting outside a local store and went over to begin the interview.

"Sir, I am writing a story about people in this area and would like to include an interesting story from you. Is there any particular story that you would like to share?"

The old hillbilly smiled to himself as he thought back on a time. "Well, thar was the time I lost my sheep. We gathered up a bunch of the boys, got some moonshine in us and went off after it. When we found the sheep, we all took turns screwing it....my, that was fun!"

The reporter couldn't write a story about that so he asked for another.

"Well, when my neighbor's wife got lost, we all gathered up and got drunk and went out to look for her. We had a good time taking turns with her when we found her, too. Damn that was a lot of fun!"

The reporter was frustrated. "Sir, I can't submit a story like that. Maybe you oughta tell me about a not so fun time you had."

"Well," the hillbilly said as he fidgited in his chair, he looked up at the reporter with a pained expression, "thar was that time "I" got lost..."

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# I Killed Your Rooster

A man was driving down a quiet country lane when out into the road strayed a rooster. Whack! The rooster disappeared under the car followed by a large cloud of feathers.

Shaken, the man pulled over at the farmhouse, and rang the door bell. A farmer appeared.

The man, somewhat nervously said, "I think I killed your rooster, please allow me to replace him".

"Suit yourself," the farmer replied, "the hens are round the back."

# The Selfish Scottish Farmer

An Irishman and a Scotsman were having a drink in a London pub. The first Irishman says "What is the difference between a selfish angel and a selfish Scottish Farmer?"

"I don't know," says the Scotsman.

"The angel says 'Hey you, get off my cloud'" says the Irishman.

"And what does the Scotitsh farmer say?" Says the Scotsman.

"The Scotish farmer says 'Hey McCloud, get off my ewe'" quips the Irishman.

# A Sad Scottish Story *

A Scottish old timer in Scotland, in a bar, talking to a young man.

Old Man speaks; "Lad, look out there to the field. Do ya see that fence? Look how well it's built. I built that fence stone by stone with me own two hands. I piled it for months. But do they call me McGreggor the Fence Builder? Nooooo!"

Then the old man gestured at the bar.

"Look here at the bar. Do ya see how smooth and just it is? I planed that surface down by me own achin' back. I carved that wood with me own hard labor, for eight days. But do they call me McGreggor the Bar Builder? Nooooooo!"

Then the old man points out the window.

"Eh, Laddy, look out to sea... Do ya see that pier that stretches out as far as the eye can see? I built that pier with the sweat off me back. I nailed it board by board. But do they call me McGreggor the Pier Builder? Nooooo!"

Then the old man looks around nervously, trying to make sure no one is paying attention and says: "But ya fuck one goat......"

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# The Tractor Salesman

"I haven't sold one tractor all month," a tractor salesman tells his friend.

"That's nothing compared to my problem," his buddy replies. "I was milking my cow when its tail whips around and hits me in the forehead, so I grabbed some string and tied its tail up to the rafters. Then I go back to milk it and it kicks me in the head with its right hind leg, so I grab some rope and tie its one leg up to the rafters.

I go back to try and milk it again when it kicks me in the head with its left hind leg, so I tie its other leg up to the rafters. Then my wife comes walking in and I'll tell ya, if you can convince her that I was trying to milk that cow, I'll buy a tractor off ya."

# Robotic Motel **

A traveling salesman has been driving all day through the barren desert of west Texas and it is getting late. So he pulls off the road at a very futuristic looking motel with a sign reading "Robotic Motel: Fully automated lodging, leisure, and libations. No one is in the lobby but the signage enables him to self check-in by entering the necessary information on a keyboard, swiping his debit card, and punching in his pin number. After the transaction has been approved the machine then dispenses a room card key for his assigned room along with instructions on the location of his room and where to park his car.

He then goes into the futuristic auto-mat style restaurant and selects his food and beverage items from the appropriate windows, and pays for them the same way he paid for the room. After his dinner he goes to his room takes a hot shower, puts on the motels terrycloth rob, and switches on an adult video on the room TV.

After watching a particularly racy adult video he realizes he is not only relaxed, but also aroused. However, since he is now several hours drive from the nearest town and has not seen anyone else at the motel he thinks he might have to go back in the bathroom for a cold shower.

About that time he notices a readout on the wall which reads "Your wife away from home, satisfaction guaranteed within three minutes ... $5." Below the readout is a foot square opening with a stainless steel sliding door, a debit card slot and a key pad for entering his pin number.

Being both curious and aroused, he figures for five bucks how can he go wrong? So he swipes his debit card and enters his pin number. At that point the sliding door opens and the readout above the door reads " Insert item now." The salesman opens his robe and sticks his penis into the open door. All of the sudden he is rewarded by the feel of warm slippery lotion and having his penis vigorously rubbed on all sides. After a minute of this his penis feels the warm air of the blow-job phase of the process, then he feels the cool mist of an aerosol product being applied.

His anticipation of the next phase is met with the abrupt pain of having is penis pressed tightly between two scalding hot plates. Not being able to extract his penis during this phase, he is forced to endure this intense pain for fifteen seconds. When he is able to extract his manhood from the window it is scalded red and flat as a pancake.

The readout above the door then says "Your garment has been washed, dried, starched, and pressed. Thank you for your business."

_** Risque_

# Inseminate the Cow

A farmer is giving his new, blonde wife last-minute instructions before heading to town to do chores.

"That fellow from Sematol will be along this afternoon to inseminate one of the cows. I've hung a nail by the right stall so you'll know which one I want him to impregnate."

Satisfied that even his mentally challenged blonde wife could understand the instructions, the farmer left for town.

That afternoon, the 'Inseminator' arrives, and the wife dutifully takes him out to the barn and directly to the stall with the nail.

"This is the cow right here," she tells him.

"What's the nail for?" the guy asks.

"I guess it's to hang your pants on," says the blonde.

# Pig Breeding *

A farmer buys several pigs, hoping to breed them for ham, bacon, etc. After several weeks, he notices that none of the pigs are getting pregnant and calls the vet for help. The vet tells the farmer that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the pigs are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will, instead, lay down and wallow in the mud when they are pregnant.the farmer hangs up and gives it some thought.

He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the pigs. So, he loads the pigs into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the pigs. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take effect, and loads them into the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each pig twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes to find the pigs still just standing around."One more try", he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the pigs and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed. The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the pigs. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the pigs are laying in the mud. "No", she says, "they are all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn."

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Sheep Shagging Research **

A researcher is conducting a survey into sheep shagging. First of all he visits a Cornish farmer.

"So, Cornish farmer, how do you shag your sheep?"

"Well, I take the hind legs of the sheep and put them down my wellie boot and take the front legs of the sheep and put them over a wall."

"That's very interesting," replies the researcher and he leaves the Cornish farmer. Then he meets a Midlands Farmer.

"So, Midlands farmer, how do you shag your sheep?"

"Well, I take the hind legs of the sheep and put them down my wellie boots and take the front legs of the sheep and put them over a wall."

"That's very interesting," replies the researcher. "That's how they do it in Cornwall too." And he leaves the Midlands farmer. Then he meets a farmer from Abergaveny.

"So, Abergaveny farmer, how do you shag your sheep?"

"Well, I take the hind legs of the sheep and put them down my wellie boots and take the front legs of the sheep and put them over my shoulders."

"Over your shoulders?" replies the researcher. "Don't you put them over a wall like everyone else?"

"What?" says the farmer. "And miss out on all the kissing?!"

_** Risque_

# Tarzan Gets Lucky

Tarzan had been living alone in his jungle kingdom for 30 years with only apes for company, and suitably shaped holes in trees for sex.

Jane, a reporter, came to Africa in search of this legendary figure. Deep in the wilds she came to a clearing and discovered Tarzan vigorously thrusting into a jungle oak. She watched in awe for awhile.

Finally, overcome by this display of animal passion Jane came out into the open and offered herself to him.

As she reclined on the wild grass Tarzan ran up to her and gave her a big kick in the crotch.

In pain she screamed "What the hell did you do that for!?"

Tarzan replied, "Always check for squirrels."

# Theme Party ***

A psychiatrist decides to have a party and invites his patients, telling them to bring their friends. On the invitation he puts "Themed Party Come as a Human Emotion".

On the night of the party, the first guest arrives and he opens the door to see a guy covered in green paint with the letters N and V painted on his chest. He says to this guy, "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?" and the guy says, "I'm green with envy". The host replies, "Brilliant, come on in and have a drink".

A few minutes later the next guest arrives and the host opens the door to see a woman covered in a pink body stocking with a feather boa wrapped round her most intimate parts. He says to this woman "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?" And she replies, "I'm tickled pink". The host says, "I love it, come on in and join the party".

A couple of minutes later the doorbell goes for the third time, and the host opens the door to see two guys from New York, stark naked, with his penis stuck in a bowl of custard and the other with his penis stuck in a pear. The host is really shocked and says, "Gee, guys, what the hell are you doing? You could get arrested for standing like that out here in the street. What emotion is this supposed to be?"

The first guy replies, "Well, I'm fucking discustad, and my friend here has come in dispair."

_*** May not be suitable for mixed company_

# Angry African Chief *

One day the African chief's wife gave birth to a white child and the chief was absolutely stunned. He suspected some hanky panky and went to the white Jesuit missionary father and looked at him suspiciously.

"You have been fucking my wives," he accused the white father, who looked very uncomfortable. The Jesuit, tried to wriggle out of the difficult situation by trying to explain Mendel's laws of genetics to the wrathful black.

"You see that herd of sheep," he said pointing to the chief's herd, "Most of them are white; but you will also notice 2 black lambs among them."

"OK! OK!" said the chief. "You keep your mouth shut and so will I."

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Lady's Pet Frog **

An attractive woman entered a pet shop. When the clerk offered assistance, she explained that she was recently divorced, and was looking for a small-ish dog for company.

The clerk explained that the name of the store was 'Exotic Pets' and that, unfortunately, they did not stock cats, dogs, fish or any commonplace pets.

He did say, however, that he had something which might be ideal. He took the woman into a back room. He walked over to a terrarium, and pointed proudly to a large bullfrog which sat inside it.

"Would that suit your needs?" he asked.

The woman answered, scornfully, that she hardly thought an amphibian would be a suitable companion.

"Ah," replied the salesman, leering, "but this 'amphibian' has been carefully trained ... to perform oral sex upon women."

At this the woman's eyes lit up. She eagerly negotiated a price of $500 for the frog, and left with it in her expectant possession. Arriving home, she drew a bubble bath, poured a glass of champagne and relaxed in anticipation. When she was thoroughly mellow, she dried herself, and arranged herself, nude, upon her bed. Parting her thighs, she placed the frog between them, closed her eyes, and waited.

Nothing happened. She prodded the frog. Still nothing. She moved it Up further toward her body. Nothing. She ordered it to perform. No response.

After an hour of this frustration, she lifted the phone, and called the pet shop. When the clerk answered, she complained loudly that she had been cheated. The clerk apologized profusely, wrote down her address, and said he'd be right over.

Ten minutes later, he knocked on the door, and the woman answered, wearing a nightgown. He asked her to demonstrate the problem. She obliged, by disrobing and assuming her former position, with the frog in place. The frog made no movement.

"You see?" she asked, petulantly.

"Yes, I do," said the man.

Then, addressing the frog as he removed his necktie and shirt, he said, "Now, I'm only going to show you this one more time..."

_** Risque_

# My Prayers are Answered

A man and his dog are shipwrecked on a desert island. After exploring the island, he discovers that the only other inhabitants on the island are a flock of sheep. After many months he realizes how difficult life is without having a woman by his side. He momentarily considers pleasuring himself with a sheep, but the horror of the thought soon draws him back to his senses.

A few months later, he can take it no more, and starts to stalk a particularly comely sheep. As he is about to do the dastardly deed, however, his dog grabs him by the leg and prevents him from going ahead. After some initial anger, he thanks the dog for keeping him on the straight and narrow.

This pattern continues for some years, when the man is not so much thankful for the hound's intervention, as downright irritated. Try as he might to sneak off to the sheep whenever the canine isn't looking, his faithful friend always hunts him down whenever he approaches the woolly flock.

Then one day, fate intervenes, and the man sees a yacht drop anchor in the bay. Soon he sees a very attractive young woman alighting from the yacht and stepping ashore. Soon he is with her, introducing himself.

"You're the first man I've seen after months at sea," she coos. "I'll do anything you want."

Deep inside, the man is beside himself with joy. His prayers have been answered.

"Great," he says. "Will you walk my dog for me?"

# Moosehead Beer **

A redneck walks into a bar in Minnesota and orders a beer.

"I Can tell from your accent, you're not from around here," says the bartender as he gives the redneck his beer.

"Nope," says the redneck, "I'm from the hills of Arkansas. By the way I'm a little curious about that sign over the bar that says 'Moosehead'".

"Oh," says the bartender, "That's a brand of beer. You probably don't have that down south."

"Nope," says the redneck, "back home moosehead isn't a beer it's a misdemeanor ."

_** Risque_

# Horny Old Drunks

Two old drunks were sitting at a rural area bar, lamenting their lack of a sex life. The first drunk looks out the window, and across the road is a sheep stuck half way thru a fence, with its butt facing the tavern. He smiles and says "I sure wish that sheep were Marilyn Monroe. "

"Hell,"the second drunk says, "I just wish it were dark."

# International Sex Research *

Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft. The study took two years and cost over $1.2 million. The study concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft was to provide the man with more pleasure during sex.

After the results were published, France decided to conduct their own study on the same subject. They were convinced that the results of the British study was incorrect. After three years of research at a cost of in excess of $2 million, the French researchers concluded that the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft to provide the woman with more pleasure during sex.

When the results of the French study were released, Canada decided to conduct their own study. The Canucks didn't really trust British or French studies. So, after nearly three weeks of intensive research and a cost of right around $75, the Canadian study was complete.

They concluded that the reason the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to prevent your hand from flying off and hitting you in the forehead!

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Delicate Washables

A newlywed couple returned to their apartment after being on their honeymoon.

"Care to go upstairs and do it?" the husband asked.

"Shh!" said the bride "All the neighbors will know what we're about to do. These walls are paper thin. In the future, we'll have to ask each other in code. For example, how about asking, 'Have you left the washing machine door open' instead?"

So, the following night, the husband asks, "I don't suppose you left the washing machine door open, did you?"

"No, I definitely shut it," replied the wife who rolled over and fell asleep.

When she woke up however, she was feeling a little frisky herself and she nudged her husband and said, "I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all. Would you like to do some washing?"

"No, thanks," said the husband. "It was only a small load so I did it by hand."

# Chapter 3

# Supermarket Jokes

#

Illustration by Terry Eade

Some of the jokes in this chapter may appear in other chapters. For example a joke about a nurse in a supermarket may appear here and in the Nurse & Receptionist Jokes section. However, the jokes will have the same title in both chapters. The illustration above was drawn by the author and is protected by copyright.

The jokes have been annotated by an asterisk (*) for those which have language or content you may find offensive, a double asterisk (**) for those which are risque, and a triple asterisk (***) for those which may not be suitable for mixed company. Those jokes without annotation are more suitable for general audiences and usually more appropriate for speaking engagements. Viewer discretion is recommended.

# Proof of Purchase

A little old lady went to the grocery store and put the most expensive cat food in her basket. She went to the check out counter where she told the girl "Nothing but the best for my little kitten."

The girl at the register said,I''m sorry but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat."

The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and went back to the store. They sold her the cat food.

The next day the little old lady went to the store and bought twelve of the most expensive dog cookies. The cashier this time demanded proof that she had a dog, claiming old people sometimes eat dog food.

Frustrated she went home,came back with her dog. She was then given the dog cookies.

The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid. The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole.

The cashier said, "no, you might have a snake in there."

The little old lady assured her there was nothing in the box that would bite her. So the cashier put her finger into the box and pulled it out and told the little old lady, "that smells like crap."

The little old lady grinned from ear-to-ear and said, "now, my dear, may I please buy three rolls of toilet paper?"

# Quick Thinking

One day, a man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some jerk out there wants to buy only half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman wants to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager found the boy and said "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"

"Wisconsin, sir," the boy replied.

"Well, why did you leave Wisconsin," the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there."

"Really!" said the manager. "My wife is from Wisconsin!"

The boy replied, "No kidding? What team did she play for?"

# Special Order

The supermarket had a sale on boneless chicken breasts. Fred intended to stock up. At the store, however, he was disappointed to find only a few skimpy pre-packaged portions of the poultry, so he complained to the lady butcher.

"Don't worry," she said, "I'll pack some more trays and have them ready for you by the time you finish shopping."

Several aisles later, he heard the lady butcher's voice boom over the public-address system: "Will the gentleman who wanted to see some bigger breasts please meet me at the back of the store."

Although Fred left his shopping cart in the canned foods asile and went directly to the back of the store, there were already twelve men ahead of him in line.

# Cough it Up

A dad walks into a market followed by his ten-year-old son. The kid is spinning a 25 cent piece in the air and catching it between his teeth. As they walk through the market someone bumps into the boy at just the wrong moment and the coin goes straight into his mouth and lodges in his throat. He immediately starts choking, going blue in the face, and Dad starts panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed middle-aged, moderately attractive but serious woman in a navy blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds her newspaper and places it on the counter. Then she gets up from her seat and makes her unhurried way across the market. Reaching the boy, the woman carefully takes hold of the boy's testicles and squeezes gently at first and then ever more firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the 25 cent piece, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill-effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts effusively thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before -- it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"

"Good heavens, no," the woman replies. "I am a Divorce Attorney."

# Patient Mother

A man noticed a woman in the grocery store with a three-year-old girl in her cart. As they passed the cookie section, the little girl asked for cookies and her mother told her no. The little girl immediately began to have a conniption, and the mother said quietly, "Now Missy, we just have half of the aisles left to go through - don't be upset. It won't be long."

In the candy aisle, the little girl began to shout for treats. When mom said she couldn't have any, she began to kick her mother and scream. The mother said softly, "There, there, Missy, don't cry - only two more aisles to go and then we'll be checking out."

When they got to the checkout stand, the little brat immediately began to reach for the gum and freaked out when her mom said she couldn't have any. The mother patiently said, "Missy, we'll be through this checkout stand in five minutes and then you can go home and have a bottle and a nice snooze."

The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her. "I couldn't help noticing how patient you were with little Missy," he said.

The mother sighed and replied, "Oh, no, my little girl's name is Francine - I'm Missy."

# Reflect on This

One day, a wife goes up to her husband and asks for twenty dollars to buy meat.

"Are you crazy?" says the husband, who pulls her over to a mirror. "Let me show you something? This twenty-dollar bill is mine. The one in the mirror is yours. Get it?"

The wife nods.

The next day, the husband returns home to find a freezer full of meat. Angry, he asks his wife about it.

She pulls him over to the mirror and lifts up her skirt. "See the one in the mirror? That's yours. This one is the butcher's."

# Lottery Tickets **

An elderly couple walked into the supermarket. They looked confused, so a clerk walked up to them and asked them what they wanted.

The couple asked for two lottery tickets. He gave the tickets to them, and they paid for them.

The husband looked confused again. He asked the clerk, "What the hell do I do with these damn things?"

The clerk replied, "Well, you're supposed to scratch the box and see if you've won anything."

The wife looked disgusted. "Oh please," she muttered.

"What?" asked the clerk.

"Oh nothing," she answered, "it's just that, well, he's been a scratching around down there for years, and nothing has ever come of it yet.

_** Risque_

# Motherly Love

A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick a few things when henoticed an old lady following him around.

Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him.

"Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who just died recently."

"I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "is there anything I can do for you?"

"Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye, Mother!' ? It would make me feel so much better."

"Sure," answered the young man. As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye, Mother!" As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50.

"How can that be?" he asked, "I only purchased a few things!"

"Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.

# Price Check

A woman went to a large supermarket to purchase several items. When she finally got to the checker, she learned one of her items had no price.

She thought she'd die of embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear, "Price check on lane thirteen. Tampax. Supersize."

As if that wasn't bad enough, the person looking for the price misunderstood the word "Tampax" for "Thumbtacks."

In a businesslike tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom, "Do you want the kind you push in with your thumb or the kind you pound in with a hammer?"

# Hey Crisco

An old woman was wandering around the supermarket calling out, "Crisco, Cri-i-i-ssssssco!"

Soon a store clerk approached and said "Ma'am, the Crisco is in aisle D."

The old lady replied, "Oh, I'm not looking for the cooking stuff, I'm calling my husband."

"Your husband's name is Crisco?" asked the store clerk.

The old woman answered, "oh, no, no, no. I only call him that when we're out in public."

"Well, what do you call him when you're at home?"

"Lard Ass," responded the old woman.

# Don't Have a Cat *

A woman strode angrily into the supermarket, slapped a package on the counter, and loudly expressed her dissatisfaction.

The clerk asked "What was the problem? Wouldn't your cat eat them?"

The woman's eyes got very large, and she whispered, "Do you mean to tell me that Pussy Treats are meant for cats?"

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Murder at Safeway

Tired of being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decides to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife, with himself as beneficiary, and arranging to have her killed.

A "friend of a friend" put him in touch with a nefarious underworld figure that went by the name of "Artie." Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000.

The husband said he was willing to pay that amount but he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid something up front. The man opened up his wallet, displaying a single dollar bill that rested inside.

Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the m an's wife into the local Safeway grocery store. There he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled onto the scene.!

Unwilling to leave any witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well. Unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings was captured byhidden cameras and observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police.

Artie was caught and arrested before he could leave the store.

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed thesordid plan, including his financial arrangements with the hapless husband. And that is why the next day in the newspaper, the headlines declared: "Artie chokes two for a dollar at safeway."

# I've Lost My Wife

The man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

"Why?" she asks.

"Because every time I talk to a a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere."

# As Big as They Get

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family.

She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

# Two Old Guys

Two old guys are pushing their carts around a supermarket when they collide. The first old guy says to the second guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The second old guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

The first old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?

The second old guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair, blue eyes, long legs, big busted, and is wearing short shorts. What does your wife look like?"

The first old guy says, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."

# Condoms Sold and Fitted

One day an engineer is going into a new grocery shop on the outskirts of town. When just inside, he sees a sign which says:

"CONDOMS: SOLD & FITTED."

He looks around and calls for service. Then, an exceptionally attractive young lady emerges.

"Do you work here?" he asks.

"Yes," she replied.

"And is the statement on the sign over there true?" The lady leans over the counter and says seductively, "Yes."

"Tell me," he asks, "who fits them?"

"I do," said the lady.

"Well," said the engineer, "would you please wash your hands and give me a pound of tomatoes?"

# Supermarket Technology

The new supermarket near our house has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and witness the scent of fresh hay.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn.

I don't buy toilet paper there any more.

# Supermarket Shoplifter

An elderly housewife was caught shoplifting in a large supermarket. The store manager had been experiencing a noticible increase in shoplifting in his store and decided to press charges against the woman to make it clear to other potential shoplifters that he would no longer tolerate even minor shoplifting in his store.

When she appeared in court, the judge asked the woman why she had shoplifted.

"My husband and I are retired on a fixed income," replied the woman, "and the cheap old bastard will not give me enough money to buy all the groceries we need."

"What did you steal from the store?" asked the judge.

"A can of peaches," replied the woman.

"How many peaches were in the can? asked the judge.

"Six peaches," replied the woman.

"Then I am going to sentence you to six months in jail," said the judge, "now does anyone in the court want to comment on this sentence before I close this case?"

At that point, an elderly man in the back of the courtroom stood up and raised his hand. "Identify yourself and tell the court what objection you have to this sentence," said the judge.

"I am this woman's husband," said the man, "and I do not have any objection to your sentence, I just wanted to point out that she also stole a can of peas."

# Very Harsh Detergent

A young boy, about eight years old, was at the corner "Mom & Pop" grocery picking out a pretty good size box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over, and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he hade lot of laundry to do.

"Oh, no laundry," the boy said, "I'm going to wash my dog."

"But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him."

But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog.

About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.

"Oh, he died," the boy said.

The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the dog died but added, "I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog."

"Well, the boy replied, "I don't think it was the detergent that killed him."

"Oh? What was it then?"

"I think it was the rinse cycle!"

# That Terrible Taste

There were three little babies sitting next to each other in shopping carts in the grocery store check-out line.

The first little baby says, "Ugh, look at this - my mom just bought strained plums!"

The second baby says, "You think that's bad - my mom just bought strained peas!"

And the third baby says... "You think you guys got it bad. How would you like to share a breast with a guy that smokes cigars? "

# Biting Your Fingernails

Little Jimmy bit his fingernails all the time. His parents tried everything to get him to stop, but to no avail. Finally, his mother, exasperated, decided to tell him a little white lie to get him to stop.

"Jimmy," she said, "You'd better stop biting your fingernails. If you don't, then those fingernails will pile up inside your stomach and soon your stomach will be huge and full of fingernails." Jimmy, worried about the idea of fingernails in his stomach, agreed to stop.

The next day, Jimmy and his mom were shopping in a supermarket. They went to check out, and a pregnant woman was waiting in line in front of them. Jimmy beamed at the pregnant woman and said, "I know what YOU'VE been doing...."

# Dumb Like a Fox

There was a little boy named Johnny who used to hang out at the local corner market. The owner didn't know what Johnny's problem was, but the boys would constantly tease him. They would always comment that he was two bricks shy of a load, or two pickles short of a barrel. To prove it, sometimes they would offer Johnny his choice between a nickel (5 cents) and a dime (10 cents) and John would always take the nickel -- they said, because it was bigger.

One day after John grabbed the nickel, the store owner took him aside and said "Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. They think you don't know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it's bigger, or what?"

Slowly, Johnny turned toward the store owner and a big grin appeared on his face and Johnny said, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd stop doing it, and so far I have saved $20!"

# Jelly Beans

Three little boys went into an old time grocery store. " I want two cents worth of jelly beans," the first boy said to the clerk. The clerk frowned. The jelly beans were on the top self, and he didn't like climbing up there just to sell two cents worth. But he did it. When he came down, he put away his ladder and turned to the second boy.

"What will you have?" he asked.

"I'll have two cents worth of jelly beans, too," said the boy. Angrily, the clerk got the ladder and climbed up to get the jelly beans. While he was still up there, he turned to the third boy.

"You don't want two cents worth of jelly beans, do you?" asked the man.

"No, sir," answered the third boy. So the man climbed down and put away the ladder.

"Now, what do you want?" the clerk asked the boy.

"A nickel worth of the jelly beans," replied the lad.

# Chapter 4

# Teen & High School Jokes

#

Illustration by Terry Eade

Some of the jokes in this chapter may appear in other chapters. For example a joke about a teenager in a drugstore may appear here and in the Drugstore & Pharmacy Jokes section. However, the jokes will have the same title in both chapters. The illustration above was drawn by the author and is protected by copyright.

The jokes have been annotated by an asterisk (*) for those which have language or content you may find offensive, a double asterisk (**) for those which are risque, and a triple asterisk (***) for those which may not be suitable for mixed company. Those jokes without annotation are more suitable for general audiences and usually more appropriate for speaking engagements. Viewer discretion is recommended.

# Perfect Fit

A man goes up to the cashier at a large drug store and asks for a box of condoms. The pretty young clerk asks him what size condoms he takes.

"I don't know," he replies "I didn't even know they came in different sizes."

"They do now" says the clerk, "perhaps I can help you out." So the clerk reaches over the counter sticks her hand down the front of his pants and fondles his genitals for a few seconds. Then she says "You take a large," and selects a box of large condoms from the rack behind the counter.

The next man in line also wants a pack of condoms, and he doesn't know what size either, so the pretty young clerk reaches down the front of his pants, fondles his genitals for a few seconds and tells him that he needs a medium, and then completes the sale.

The next person in line is a teenage boy who came in to buy some cigarettes, but has been watching what has been going on in front of him and has now decided to buy some condoms.

The pretty young clerk turns to the teenage boy and says "What can I get for you sir?"

"I'd like a box of condoms," says the boy, "and I don't know my size."

Again the pretty young clerk reaches over the counter puts her hand down the front of his pants and starts to fondle his genitals. After a few seconds she laughs and grabs the microphone off the counter with her other hand and announces "clean up on aisle three!!"

# Not Without a Condom

A couple of deaf teenagers are parked up at lookout point. They engage in some necking and then heavy petting. Then the boy wants to go all the way. The girl stops him before he can get that far and in sign language tells him that she is not going all the way unless he uses a condom. Since he doesn't have any condoms, they drive back into town and he pulls up to an all night drug store.

After about ten minutes the boy returns to the car and tells the girl that he can't seem to get the night clerk to understand what he wants and since the condoms are under the counter he can't show him either. So again he pleads with the girl to reconsider. She still refuses to have sex without a condom, so the boy goes back into the drug store.

Fifteen minutes later the boy returns to the car in utter frustration, starts the car and in sign language tells the girl he is taking her home.

"What's wrong," asks the girl in sign language.

"I've given up," says the boy in sign language " I tried everything I could think of to convey what I wanted, and then finally in frustration I slammed a five dollar bill on the counter, unzipped my fly , laid my penis on the counter and then pointed at the five dollar bill and then at my penis."

"Then what happened," asked the girl in sign language."

"Then the clerk plunked five dollars down on the counter, unzipped his fly, laid his penis on the counter and since his penis was bigger than mine he took the ten dollars and put it in his pocket," responded the boy in sign language.

# The Stowaway *

The Captain noticed that when one of the crew members would take his break he would get a snack and then go out to one of the lifeboats and climb under the cover rather than take his break with the rest of the crew in the galley. After about a week the Captain went out to the lifeboat and looked inside. There was a pretty young oriental girl.

"What are you doing in there?" said the Captain.

"I'm sorry," says the girl," but my mother is very sick in Japan and I couldn't afford the passage to go and see her. So when I met this nice sailor in Seattle who offered to sneak me aboard his ship and hide me in this lifeboat, I knew my prayers had been answered. He has been bringing me food and water for almost a week. He is so nice, please don't punish him."

"And what is he getting for all this trouble?" says the Captain.

"Well," says the girl, "he has been screwing me."

"He sure as hell has," says the Captain "this is the Bremerton Ferry."

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# A Bit Hasty

A young man had returned to his folk's farm in the hills of Arkansas and was telling his family about the great girl he had met in the big city. He was anxious to ask her to marry him, but wanted to get his family's blessing before he popped the question. So he was extolling her virtues and making her sound as acceptable as possible.

"She is really good looking, is a great cook, loves kids, has a great personality, she is willing to work hard, she is healthy as a horse, and to top it off -- she is still a virgin"., exclaims the son.

"Well it sounds like you are really sold on her," exclaims the father, "but I think you might be acting a bit hasty."

"What could possibly be wrong with her?'" asks the son.

"Well if she isn't good enough for her own family, why do you think she is good enough for ours?", says the father.

# Just One for the Road **

A teenage boy takes his girlfriend back to her home after being out together, and when they reach the front door he leans with one hand on the wall and says to her, "Sweetie, why don't you give me a blowjob?"

"What? You're crazy???!!!"

"Don't worry, it will be quick, no problem."

"No!! Someone may see; a relative, a neighbor . ..."

"At this time of the night no one will show up."

"I've already said NO, and NO!"

"Honey, it's just a small blowjob . . . I know you like it too.

""NO!!! I've said NO!!!"

"Baby . . . don't be like that."

At this moment the younger sister shows up at the door in nightgown with hair a mess, rubbing her eyes and says ..."Dad says either you blow him, I blow him, or he'll come down and blow the guy himself, but for God's sake tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom."

_** Risque_

# Home from Camp *

The young marine had just finished boot camp and was home on leave at his parents farm in the bible belt of Iowa. He really stood out with his buzz haircut and his sharply pressed uniform, but even more noticeable was the colorful language he had picked up in the Marine Corps.

That night at dinner he turned to his mother and said "Could you pass the fucking butter?"

At this his mother clasped her hand over her mouth in disbelief, started crying and had to leave the table.

After dinner his father took him outside and had a talk with him. "I know you are all grown up now and that you are exposed to some pretty rough language from your buddies in the service, but this is Iowa and we don't talk like that here, so while you are home you had better clean up your act and not give your mother any more grief."

The next night at dinner, the young marine appologised to his mother for his bad language and said that he would really try and act better around them.

Later in the meal he turned to his mother and said "Pardon me mother, would you please pass the butter?"

Both parents beamed at the improvement.

Then the son grined and said "Thought I was going to fuck up didn't ya?"

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Don't Say a Word *

Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price, but its missing a seal, so whenever it rains he has to smear vaseline over the spot where the seal should be. Anyway, his girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents. He drives his new bike to her house, where she is outside waiting for him.

"No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word," She tells him, "Our family had a fight a while ago about doing dishes. We haven't done any since, but the first person to speak at dinner has to do them."

Steve sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is saying a word. So Steve decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend throws her on the table and drills her in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

A few minutes later he grabs her mom throws her on the table and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and her mother a little happier. But still there is complete silence at the table.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Steve remembers his motorcycle. He jumps up and grabs his jar of vaseline. Upon witnessing this, his girlfriend's father backs away from the table and screams, "Okay, enough already. I'll do the fucking dishes!!"

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# The Old Foot in the Mouth

A teenage boy goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9, or 12 and asks which the young man wants. "Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the night." We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out after that. And I have a feeling that I'm going to get lucky, so you better give me the 12 pack. The teenager makes his purchase and leaves.

Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes with constant references to understanding and forgiveness.

The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."

He leans over to her and whispers, "You never told me that your father was a pharmacist."

# Two Dutch Girls *

Two Dutch girls are riding their old rickety bikes down the back streets of Amsterdam one late afternoon. As it turns closer towards dusk, the increasing darkness of the streets starts making the two girls a little nervous when one girl leans over to the other and says,

"You know, I've never come this way before."

The other girl says, "It's the cobblestones."

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Not the Cow *

On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons. Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family's only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her -- how could she possibly continue to feed her family now?

In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself. When the man awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head.

Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself. When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, "I've seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you." The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river.

Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river. The mermaid said to him, "If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I will make everything right." And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river.

The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in. And there he also met the mermaid. "I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row." The young son replied, "Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?" The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said, "Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?" And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, "Why not THIRTY times in a row?"

Finally, she said, "Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health." Then the young son asked, "Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row won't kill you like it did the cow?"

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Potential and Reality

A teenager comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?"

His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll display it to you. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you've learned."

The kid is puzzled, but he decides to see if he can figure out what his father means. He asks his mother, "Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?" His mother looks around slyly, and then with a little smile on her face says, "Don't tell your father, but, yes, I would."

Then he goes to his sisters room and asks her, "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?" His sister looks up and says, "Omigod! Definitely!"

The kid goes back to his father and says, "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we're sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we're living with a couple of whores."

# Lucky Frog

It was a long par four and Bob's drive had been to the right and not very long. He was now laying near a pond and had decided to play a nine iron to the center of the fairway. About the time he had decided on the safe play a frog sitting beside the pond said "bribip, four iron." Thinking this might be an omen, Bob takes out his four iron and plays the ball over the water, onto the green and the ball rolls up to the flag and drops onto the hole for an eagle. Bob is elated and picks up the frog and takes it with him.

For the rest of the game Bob asks the frog's recommendation on every shot and the frog advises Bob on the proper club selection and play. Bob finishes with the best game he has ever shot on that course. After the game is over Bob is convinced that the frog is truly lucky.

"What should I do next?" Bob asks.

"Bribip, Las Vegas" responds the frog.

Anxious to see if the frogs advice extends beyond golf, hops in his car and he and the frog take off for Las Vegas. As soon as they get checked into the casino, bob asks the frog what they should play and the frogs response is roulette. So they go to the roulette table. He then asks the frog what to bet on.

"Bribip, fourteen" says the frog.

So Bob puts $10 on 14 and the number hits and pays off 30 to 1. Bob now has $300. He continues to take the frogs advice until they have won a large amount of money and the frog advises Bob to quit and cash out. Bob takes the frog back to the room and has room service bring up a bottle of champaign to celebrate his great win.

"You are the one who has made all this possible" says Bob as he toasts the frog with a glass of champaign, "is there anything I can do to reward you?"

"Bribip, kiss me" says the frog.

As requested, he kisses the frog, who immediately turns into a beautiful sixteen year old girl.

"And honestly judge, that's just the way it happened" says Bob.

# Have a Ball

Two strangers were playing golf together. One is a retired businessman and the other a high school kid just taking up the game. On the fifth hole the younger golfer hits his drive into a pond which is about seventy yards out from the tee. "That was my last ball" says the young golfer "do you have a ball I could use?"

The old golfer pulls out a new ball and hands it to the young golfer, who proceeds to hit the second ball in the same place. Again he asks the old golfer for a ball. Again, the young golfer hits the third ball in the same spot.

As the old golfer is pulling out another new ball he says "You know you can play from the point of entry and just take a one stroke penalty, that would make it easier to get all the way over the pond."

"I know," responds the young golfer in frustration "but I'm going to make it over the pond from here if it takes me all day."

"Well these balls are expensive," says the old golfer as he hands over another new ball.

"If you can't afford the game, you shouldn't play," retorts the young golfer.

# Powerful Message

Two teenage boys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."

Monday, the two teenagers were in court, and the judge said to the first one, "How did you do over the weekend?"

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."

"17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?"

"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles, a large one and a small one, and told them the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs."

"That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?"

"Well, your honor," said the second teenager, "I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."

"156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!"

"Well, I used the same two circles. I pointed to the small circle and told them, "this is your asshole before prison..."

# First Liberty ***

A young guy named Phil, who is just out of high school, enlists in the Navy. Like all the other recruits he has been confined to the base all during his basic training. Then they are told that they have one liberty before they ship out for a three month cruise. All of the other sailors have lined up dates for one last fling before they ship out.

Phil doesn't know any girls in the area and has always been too shy to pick up girls. However, he certainly doesn't want to have to tell all his shipmates that he spent his liberty on base at the library or watching television in the barracks. So he takes his car into town and looks for a hooker. By the time Phil gets into town the only hooker he can find is a seasoned vetran, who is easily three times his age. However, Phil is a man on a mission and he will not go back without a story.

Since Phil's only experiences in high school had been some light petting in his car, he picks up the old hooker and takes her up to Lookout Point. After fondling her sagging breasts for a few minutes he goes south and slips in his finger. After a few seconds of this the hooker says "Sony that's nowhere near enough." At this Phil slips in a second finger, but the hooker is still complaining that its isn't enough. Next he puts in his entire hand, and begins working it up to the wrist.

Starting to move around a little, the old hooker says "That's better, but I could still go for more."

At this point Phil sticks in both hands and shoves them in almost to the elbow.

"Now clap," says the hooker with a smile.

"I can't" says Phil.

"Tight isn't it?" the old hooker says proudly..

_*** May not be suitable for mixed company_

# The Lesser of Two Evils

For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's teenage daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!

"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!"

"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."

# Career Potential *

Clyde is talking to his old friend Bob over a beer at the local tavern. Clyde's son has just graduated from high school and is just sitting around the house and not looking for a job.

"I would really like him to get on at the county hospital, because that would give him some exposure to the medical profession and might be an incentive for him to go back to school and become a doctor or at least a lab technician," says Clyde. "You work at the county hospital Bob, any chance you might be able to get him on as an orderly or even a custodian?"

"As you know," says Bob "most of the jobs we have available require a great deal of training and certification, but I'll check around and see what might be available."

A week later Bob sees Clyde at the tavern, and goes up to him and tells him the good news "I think I have found a job for your son."

"Great," says Clyde, "what would he be doing?"

"Running our new circumcision machine," says Bob.

"What kind of a job is that?" says Clyde in a disappointed tone.

"It's a great job for a young kid." says Bob enthusiastically, "fifty skins a day and a chance to get ahead!!"

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Holy Water **

Four girls go to confession and the priest says: "I'm sorry but I am very busy today so we will do a collective session. And let's cut out the light stuff and get down to business. Anybody touch a penis this week?"

The first girl looks down bashfully and says: "I did - with my finger only". The priest says: "Put it in holy water".

The second girl admits she has got her hand around one. "Put the hand in holy water".

The third girl, without further ado also moves toward the holy water. The priest says: "Hold it. What's with you?" The girl says: "Just getting a quick mouth wash before Maria washes her ass."

_** Risque_

# Faith Healer

Two teenage boys were talking as they were doing their chores on the farm. The first boy asks the second if he has seen the big tent they have put up in the pasture of the adjacent farm.

"Yea," says the second boy "it's for a revival meeting. In fact I went there with my folks and my uncle Jack."

"How was it?" asks the first boy.

"Well it took us a while to get into the tent from where we parked the car, cause my uncle is crippled you know. Then part way through the service the preacher asked if there was anyone who wanted to be cured and my uncle Jack raised his hand, cause he's crippled you know. So after we helped my uncle get up on stage, the preacher laid his hand on my uncle and told him to heal."

"Then what happened?" said the first boy.

"Then," responded the second boy "the most amazing thing happened, my uncle Jack threw one of his crutches away, he's crippled you know."

"Then what happened?" said the first boy.

"Well," said the second boy the preacher got down on his knees and all the people prayed even harder and shouted halallua as loud as they could."

"Then what happened?" said the first boy.

"Then," said the second boy, "my uncle threw his other crutch away."

"Wow then what happened?" said the first boy.

"Then he fell on his ass," said the second boy," he's crippled you know."

# Quick Thinking

One day, a man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some jerk out there wants to buy only half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman wants to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager found the boy and said "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"

"Wisconsin, sir," the boy replied.

"Well, why did you leave Wisconsin," the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there."

"Really!" said the manager. "My wife is from Wisconsin!"

The boy replied, "No kidding? What team did she play for?"

# Redneck Romance *

Lem had been dating Suzie May for several weeks but had not been able to get to first base with her. One evening after he had taken her home he stopped by the diner for a cup of coffee and a piece of pie. As he was finishing his pie, he saw J.R. Stevens come into the dinner and sit in a booth nearby. Knowing that J.R. had a reputation as a ladies man, Lem took his coffee and went to sit down with J.R.

"Could you give me some advice on how to handle girls, I don't seem to have the knack," said Lem.

"Tell me how a typical date goes with you Lem," said J.R.

"Well I usually take them to a movie at the Palace and maybe a burger at the drive-in. Then I drive up to Lookout Point and makes my move," said Lem, "but I always strike out."

"You just cant make your move that fast," said J.R..,"You need to woo her a little first. Give her a complement about her hair, her clothes or even how nice she smells. Yea, chicks always like you to show interest in them and complement them so ask her what kind of perfume she wears and tell her how much you like it on her."

So on his next date with Suzie May, Lem goes up to Lookout Point as usual but instead of making his move he says "Suzie May what is that you have on?"

Suzie May is very impressed and says "Why its Channel Number Five."

"Well it sure smells nice on you," says Lem.

Feeling that she should return the complement Suzie May says "Lem what is that you have on?"

Lem thinks for a moment then responds "Well I have a hard on, but I didn't know you could smell it clear over there."

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# I Won't Tell

A young Irish lad and two of his buddies are walking through the town, when the lad stops in front of the church and tells his friends to wait for him while he goes in for a quick confession. He takes his seat in the confessional and tells the priest that he has had premarital sex.

"Who was the girl?" asks the priest.

"I wouldn't feel right telling even you father," responds the lad.

"Was it Maggie O'toul?" asks the priest.

"No father."

"Was it Mary O'Donald?"

"No father."

"Then was it Becky O'Brien?"

"No father."

"You're not going to tell me are you lad?"

"No father."

"Well then say fifty hail Marys and never do it again" says the priest.

When the lad emerges from the church his buddies immediately ask him if he had to tell the priest who the girl was.

"No," responds the lad, "but I sure got some good leads."

# Reasonable Precautions *

In the middle of the night the Swedish farmer was awakened by a loud banging on the farmhouse door. It was a young saleswoman who's car had broken down on the snow covered country road in rural Minnesota. The farmer allowed as how he could not get her into town during the storm but could offer her shelter until the storm blew over. The problem was that she either had to stay in the freezing cold barn or in the second bedroom with the farmer's two teenage sons.

Sven and Oly were delighted with the new guest and thought that their hospitality should be rewarded with sex from the pretty young saleswoman. Realizing that she would not get any sleep unless she complied or even worse to irritate the boys and get sent to the barn, she agreed to have sex with the two teenagers. However, she had a stipulation. "You don't want me to have a baby do you?" she asked. The boys agreed and she provided each one with a condom and told them that they should not take them off or she would have a baby.

Several months later the boys are harvesting hay in the hot sun. Sven turned to Oly and said "Remember that woman who stayed with us last Winter?"

"Ya I do," said Oly

"Vel, do you care if she has a baby?", asks Sven

"No, I really don't." says Oly

"Vel then why don't ve take these damn things off!!" says Sven.

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Emergency Surgery

A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery.

When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that in keeping with an emerging trend, her pubic hair had been dyed green. Above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass."

Once the surgery was completed, the surgical nurse wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, Sorry, had to mow the lawn."

# Wild Thing

The old man's regular barber had retired and so he had gone to one of the new chain, unisex hair styling salons to get his regular conservative haircut. Not only did they not have any of his favorite sports or car magazines, but most of the clientile were women and younger folks.

As the old man was sitting uncomfortably in the waiting area, reading a People Magazine, a young man pulled up outside in a custom chopper with loud pipes. After the young guy had parked his bike and taken off his leathers he walked in and sat down. The young guy had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, blue, and yellow.

The old man just stared.

The young man said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"

Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son."

# English Class Final Exam

A very attractive high school English Teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now, class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family---but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"

A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raises his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess in that case you'll just have to fill out the exam with your other hand".

# Big for My Age

"Please remove your blouse and bra," says the doctor to the young blonde, placing his stethoscope around his neck.

When she is ready, the doc says, "Big breaths."

"Yeth," she replies, "and I'm only thixthteen!"

# Risque Nicknames **

Three high school girls are sitting around at the malt shop talking about the soldiers from the local Army post that they met the week before. Being very naughty they decide to make up nicknames for their new GI boyfriends and name them after soda pops.

"I'm going to call mine 7-Up, 'cause he's got seven inches and it's always up," says the first girl.

"I'm going to call mine Mountain Dew 'cause when he's in between my mountains, we're doing it," says the second girl.

"I'm going to call mine Jack Daniel's," says the third girl.

The first girl says,"You can't do that. We're talking about soda pop and you're talking about a hard liquor."

"Exactly," says the third girl with a big smile.

_** Risque_

# Blame it on the Dog

Joe met his girlfriend's parents for the first time at their house over dinner. After the meal, his girlfriend and her mother left the room to do the dishes, leaving him with the father and the dog Duke, who was sitting underneath the Joe's chair. Unfortunately, after the hearty meal, Joe really had to fart. He stealthily let out a slow, barely audible fart.

"Duke!" the dad yelled.

"This is great!" thought Joe. "He thinks the dog is farting!" So he let out another one.

"Duke!" the father barked.

Joe thought he was home free, so he let everything out at once in a really loud and smelly fart.

"Duke!" the father screamed. "Get out of there before he craps on you!

# An Excellent Lesson

At one high school it became a fad for the girls to put on their lipstick and then blot their lips on the mirror in the girls restroom. At the end of the day the large mirrors behind the sinks would be covered with kiss marks and very difficult to clean off. The school janitor complained to the school prinicpal, who put out notices requesting that the students refrain from this practice, but the practice continued anyway.

In frustration the janitor came up with a plan of his own. During classes he went into the girls restroom and cleaned the mirrors to make sure they were clean before the class break. He stood in the hall and watched as classes were dismissed and the students passed to their next class. Two girls went into the restroom. After about a minute, the janitor knocked on the restroom door to announce his arrival and then went in. Sure enough the two girls were standing at the sinks combing their hair and there were two fresh lipstick marks on the mirrors.

Without saying a word, the janitor pulled a cleaning rag out of his back pocket opened one of the stall doors, sloshed the rag around in the toilet to get it wet and then proceed over to the mirrors which he then cleaned with the wet rag. The look on the two girl's faces quickly changed from guilt to horror as the watched the janitor clean the mirrors.

Apparently the word spread quickly as there was never another lipstick mark on the mirrors again.

# The Blind Date

The young airman was new on base, so one of the guys in the barracks lined him up with a blind date. The Airman decided to take the blind date to an amusement park. When he picked her up at her house he was pleased that she was very attractive and had a nice smile.

After they arrived at the amusement park they went for a ride on the Ferris wheel.

The ride completed and she seemed rather bored.

"What do you wanna do now?" he asked.

"I wanna get weighed," she said.

So the young man took her over to the weight guesser.

Next they rode the roller coaster. After that, he bought her some popcorn and cotton candy.

"What else she would like to do?" he asked her.

"I wanna get weighed," she said.

"I really latched onto a square one tonight," thought the young airman, and decided to take the girl home.

The girl's mother was surprised to see her home so early. "What's wrong, dear, didn't you have a nice time tonight?"

"Absowutewy wousy," said the girl.

# Move to the Back Seat?

A young blonde and her teenage boyfriend were out on a date and they ended up at ''Lovers' Cove'' where they were making out. The guy thought that things were going pretty good and maybe he would get lucky tonight, so he thought that he would ask her if she wanted to go in the back seat.

''NO!'' yelled the blonde.

The guy just figured that she wasn't ready yet.

Things got pretty hot and the guy thought he would try again.

''NO!'' the blonde yelled again.

Things got even hotter and the blond was down to her bra and the guy even had her pants unzipped.

''Do you wanna go in the back seat yet?'' asked the guy.

''For the last time, NO!'' said the blonde.

Frustrated, the guy asked, ''Well, why the hell not?''

The blonde looked at him and said, ''Because I wanna stay up here with you."

# My Boyfriend is Trapped

A boy and his girlfriend are driving down the highway. The boy asks "If I drive 100 mph, will you take off your clothes?" and she agrees.

So the boy drives 100 mph and his girlfriend strips. The boy is so busy looking at his girlfriend that he crashes into a tree. The car flips over, trapping the boy and all of his girlfriend's clothes. All that is free of the car is the boy's girlfriend and one of his shoes.

The boy yells, "You have to go get help. Go to that gas station over there."

His girlfriend says, "Are you kidding me? I'm naked."

"Well," replies the boy "Take my shoe over there, cover up yourself, and go get help."

So the girl covers herself with the shoe and goes to the gas station. She says to an attendant "You have to help me. My boyfriend's trapped"

"I'm sorry" the attendant replies, "he's too far in."

# The Farmer's Daughters

There once was a farmer who was raising three daughters on his own. He was very concerned about their well being and always did his best to watch out for them. As they entered their late teens the girls dated, and on this particular evening all three of his girls were going out on a date. This was the first time this had occurred. As was his custom, he would greet the young suitor at the door holding his shotgun, not to menace or threaten but merely to ensure that the young man knew who was boss.

The doorbell rang and the first of the boys arrived. Father answered the door and the lad said, "Hi, my name's Joe, I'm here for Flo. We're going to the show, is she ready to go?" The father looked him over and sent the kids on their way.

The next lad arrived and said, "My name's Eddie, I'm here for Betty, we're gonna get some spaghetti, is she ready?" Father felt this one was okay too, so off the two kids went.

The final young man arrived and the farmer opened the door. The boy started off, "Hi, my name's Chuck --" and the farmer shot him

# Teenage Clerk

A teenage kid is working at a drug store after school each day. The kid works hard, but always gets the orders wrong. His boss tells him if he screws up one more time, he is fired.

An old man walks in and orders cough syrup. The teenager can't find any so he gives the old man a laxative instead. The old man takes the laxative and leaves the store.

The boss comes up and asks why he gave the man a laxative in place of cough syrup. The teenager points towards the old man who is suddenly leaning on a lightpost and says, "Look at him -- he's afraid to cough.

# Powerful Prescription **

A worried teenage kid goes to his doctor and says, ''Doctor, Doctor, please help me! I've got a problem.''

The doctor examines the teenager and finds the has a red ring around his penis. The doctor writes him out a perscription and tells him it should clear up the problem.

The teenager goes into the drug store and has the prescription filled. The pharmacist gives him a small tube of ointment and tells him to apply it to the effected area twice a day until the redness is gone.

The next day the teenager comes into the drug store and tells the pharmacist ''It's all cleared up, what was that medication you gave me?''

''Lipstick remover," says the pharmacist.

_** Risque_

# Just Showing Off

There was a young woman who lived with her grandmother. One night, the granddaughter came bouncing down the stairs dressed to go out to a party wearing a see-through blouse without a bra.

Her grandmother told her to go back upstairs and "dress decent".

''No, I want to show off my rosebuds!'' she said and bounded out the door.

The next day, the granddaughter came outside to find her grandmother on the porch wearing a see-through blouse without a bra.

''Grandmother! What are you doing? A couple of other friends are coming over any time now! Please go change your blouse, I'm so embarrassed!''

''No. If you can show off them rosebuds then I can show off my hanging baskets.''

# The Lad's First Kilt

In Scotland, the most important time for a young lad is when he "comes of age" and is allowed to purchase and wear his first kilt.

A couple of weeks before, his important birthday, a young lad went to a tailor shop and found the material he wanted for his first kilt. He took the material to the tailor and said, "I'd like ye to make me a kilt with this material here and, if ye don't mind, I'd like ye to make me a pair of matching underwear for it. I hear it gets a might drafty up dem tings!"

So the tailor took the material and promised to call the young lad when the order was completed.

A few days later, the tailor called the lad back to the shop. "Here's ye kilt, and here's ye matching underwear, and here's five yards of the material left over. Ye might want to take it home and keep it in case you want anything else made of it."

So the lad rushed home with his order, threw the material in his room, and donned his kilt. In his excitement, he decided to run to his girlfriend's house to show off his new purchase.

Unfortunately, in his haste, he forgot to don his underwear.

When his girlfriend answered the door, he pointed to his kilt and said, "well, what'd ye think?"

"Ah, but dat's a fine looking kilt," she exclaimed.

"Aye, and if ye like it, ye'll really like what's underneath," he stated as he lifted his kilt to show her.

Oh, but dat's a dandy," his girlfriend shouted admiringly.

Still not realizing that he didn't have his underwear on he exclaimed quite proudly, "aye, and if ye like it, I've got five more yards of it at home!

# Cop at Lovers Lane

A cop drives up to lovers lane and sees a car there. So he walks up to the car, and there's a girl in the back seat knitting and a boy in the front seat reading a book.

The cop asks the boy how old he is and what he's doing. The boy answers, "I'm reading a book and I'm 19."

Then the cop asks what the girl's doing and how old she is. The boy replies, "She's knitting and she'll be 18 in about five minutes."

# Get a Job

Father: Why don't you get yourself a job?

Son: Why?

Father: So you could earn some money.

Son: Why?

Father: So you could put some money in a bank account and earn interest.

Son: Why?

Father: So that when you're old you can use the money in your bank account... and you would never have to work again.

Son: I'm not working now.

# Radical Haircut

Porky, a punk teenage boy continually challenges his conservative father by wanting to have his ears pierced or his hair cut or dyed in an unusual way. His Dad always adamantly refuses to buckle under to pressure and constant begging of his son.

One day, when they are at the barber shop to get their regular hair cuts, Porky asks, "Dad, would it be okay if I had S-T-U-D shaved into the back of my head?"

The father, shocked, thought it over and calmly replied, "Sure! But only if you have the barber add a -Y to the end of it."

# I'll Sit in Back

Junior had just received his brand new drivers license. To celebrate, the whole family trooped out to the driveway and climbed into the car for his inaugural drive. Dad immediately headed to the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver.

"I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," said the beaming boy to his old man.

"Nope," came dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit back here and kick the back of your seat while you drive, just like you have been doing to me for sixteen years."

# Only One Explanation

A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor. The doctor says, "Okay, Mrs. Smith, what's the problem?"

The mother says, "It's my daughter Lynda. She keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings."

The doctor gives Lynda a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your Lynda is pregnant - about 4 months, would be my guess."

The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you, Lynda?"

Lynda says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!"

The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out it. About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong out there doctor?"

The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I'll be darned if I'm going to miss it this time!"

# Thinking Ahead

At a jewelry store, a young man bought an expensive locket as a present for his girlfriend. "Don't you want her name engraved upon it?" asked the jeweler. The young man thought for a moment, and then, ever the pragmatic, steadfastly replied,

"No, just engrave it: To My One And Only Love. That way, if we break up and she throws it back to me in anger, I can use it again."

# The School Play

John's dad picked him up from school to take him to a dental appointment. Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be posted today, he asked his son if he got a part.

John enthusiastically announced that he'd gotten a part. "I play a man who's been married for twenty years."

"That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll be giving you a speaking part."

# I've Been Waiting for You

A teenage kid was driving along a quiet streatch of rural highway. All of the sudden a police car pulled out from behind a billboard and turned on the blinking lights and pulled the kid over to the side of the road.

The cop got out of his car and the young man rolled down his window.

"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.

"Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could," said the teenager.

# Cold Buggy Ride *

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an open buggy one cold, blustery January day. The daughter said to the mother, "My hands are freezing cold." The mother replied, "Put your hands between your legs. The body heat will warm them up." So the daughter did, and her hands warmed up. The next day, the daughter was riding in the buggy with her boyfriend. The boyfriend said, "My hands are freezing cold." The daughter said, "Put them between my legs, they'll warm up."

The next day, the boyfriend is driving in the buggy with the daughter. He said, "My nose is freezing cold." The daughter said, "Put it between my legs. It will warm up." He did, and his nose warmed up. The next day, the boyfriend is driving again with the daughter and he said, "My penis is frozen solid." The next day, the daughter is driving in the buggy with her mother, and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?" The slightly concerned mother says, "Sure, why do you ask?" The daughter says, "Well, they make one hell of a mess when they thaw out.

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Grandma's Advise *

There was this virgin that was going out on a date for the first time and she told her grandmother about it.

So, the grandmother says sit here and let me tell you about those young boys. He is going to try to kiss you, you are going to like that but, don't let him do that.

He is going to try to feel your breast, you are going to like that but, don't let him do that.

He is going to try to put his hand between your legs , you are going to like that but, don't let him do that.

But most important, he is going to try to get on top of you and have his way with you. You are going to like that but, don't let him do that, it will disgrace the family.

With that bit of advise, the granddaughter went on her date and could not wait to tell her grandmother about it. So, the next day she told her grandmother that her date went just like she said.

But she said "grandmother I didn't let him disgrace the family.

When he tried I turned over, got on top of him and disgraced his family!"

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# What Does That Mean **

An old man of 70 married a young girl of 18. When they got into bed the night after the wedding, he held up three fingers.

"Oh honey," said the young nymph, "Does that mean we're going to do it three times?"

"No," said the old man, "it means you can take your pick."

_** Risque_

# Saving it Up

This old geezer of 78 marries a girl of 18. The morning after the wedding night, the girl comes down with a pained expression on her face.

"What's the matter, dear?" asks the woman at the front desk.

"Well," sniffed the girl, "He told me he'd been saving up for 60 years, and I thought he meant his money!"

# Almost Every Night

A 70-year-old man has never been married. One day, he meets a beautiful 17-year-old girl, and it is love at first sight. They get married and go to Florida for their honeymoon.

When they get back, his friend says to him, "So, tell me, how was it?"

"Oh, it was beautiful," says the man. "The sun, the surf, we made love almost every night, we -"

His friend interrupts him. "A man your age! How did you make love almost every night?"

"Oh," says the man, "we almost made love Monday, we almost made love Tuesday..."

# Birth Control Pills

An elderly woman went into the doctor's office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth control pills."

Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you're 75 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?"

The woman responded, "They help me sleep better."

The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?"

The woman said, "I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice and I sleep better at night!"

# New Blonde Driver

A 17-year-old blonde had just gotten her driver's license and offered to take her mom's car to the gas station. She pulled up to the full-service pumps, and the attendant asked, "What grade, miss?"

"Eleventh!" she replied.

# Turn to Stone

A Young hillbilly kid from the hills of West Virginia had joined the navy and was on liberty with his shipmates in New York City. When his friends had found out that he had never been to a strip show and had never seen a naked woman, they took he to a strip club and had a great time watching his reaction.

After a few table dances, the young hillbilly got up from his table and ran outside the club. One of his buddies followed him out to see what was the matter.

"Are you OK," says the shipmate.

"I don't know," says the hillbilly, "my mama told me if I looked at anything bad I'd turn to stone.... and I can feel it starting!"

# The Blonde Restaurant

Two teenage boys "Fred and Matt, are out cruising one night. Looking out the right side of the car, Matt says: "Look at that new fast food restraurant, it must be run by blondes."

"Why do you say that," says Fred, "do you know the people who run it?"

"No," says Matt, "I just have a feeling they're blonde."

"Based on what," says Fred.

"Based on the sign in the parking lot," says Matt, "the one that reads 'Parking for drive-through customers only!'" 

# Can I Use the Car

A teenage boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father who was a minister, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to his study and said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your bible a little and get your hair cut and we'll talk about it."

After about a month the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss use of the car.

They again went to the father's study where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut!"

The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair...."

To which his father replied... "Yes, you're right... and they also WALKED every where they went!"

# Who is the Father?

The girl admitted under parental questioning that she was pregnant, but couldn't say who was responsible.

"All right !" bellowed her Mother, "you march yourself to your room, and don't come out until you can give us a definite answer."

Later that nite her voice rang down the stairs. "Hey Mom, I think I have an idea now."

"I should hope so !" the Mother responded. "The very idea that any daughter of mine could get pregnant, let alone not know the father."

"Chill Mom." the girl said. "I got it narrowed down to the band or the football team!"

# Peanut Problem

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth.

In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital. As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out.

The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out.

The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The mother said to the young man, "That was wonderful. You should be a doctor!"

The ungrateful father jumped up, twisted the boy's arm behind his back and yelled, "Doctor, my ass! He's going to be our son-in-law. Smell his fingers!"

# Killing an Eel **

Little Johnny was 7 years old, and like other boys his age, rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about courting from other boys and he wondered what it was and how it was done.

One day he took his questions to his mother, and she became flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. This he did, and the following morning Johnny described everything to his mother:

"Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for awhile, then he turned off most of the lights. Then he started to kiss and hug her, I figured sis must be getting sick because her face started looking funny. He must have thought so too because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart,just like the doctor would. Except he's not as good as the doctor, because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart.

He was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting all out of breath. His other hand must have been getting cold because he put it under her skirt. About this time, sis got toward the end of the couch.

This was when the fever started. I know it was a fever because sis told him she was really hot.

Finally, I found out what was making them so sick.... a big eel had gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there about 9 inches long. Honest!

Anyway, he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away.

When sis saw it she got really scared. Her eyes got big and her mouth fell open, and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. I should tell her about the ones I saw at the lake!

Sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by bitting its head off. All of a sudden, she made a noise and let the eel go... I guess it bit her back.

Then she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eels head to keep it from biting again.

Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor lock on it. And he helped by laying on the top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squishing it between them.

After a while they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend sat up and sure enough they had killed the eel...

I knew it was dead because it just hung there limp and some of its insides were hanging out. Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went on courting anyway.

He started hugging and kissing her again. And by golly, the eel wasn't dead after all. It jumped straight up and started to fight again.

I guess eels are like cats.... they have nine lives or something.

This time sis jumped up and tried to kill the eel by sitting on it. After about 35 minutes of struggle, they finally killed the eel. I know it was dead this time because I saw sis's boyfriend peel off the skin and flush it down the toilet."

Mother fainted.

_** Risque_

# Saving Myself **

There's this teenage couple and they've been dating for quite some time. He wants her really bad, but she won't sleep with him because she's saving herself for marriage. As they were kissing, and doing their thing, he's very hot and bothered, and he said, "Oh come on, just a feel."

She said, "No, I'm saving myself for marriage."

They went back and forth. He said, "Just one feel, I promise, that's all, just one feel."

She finally agreed, "Okay, just one feel, but that's all, just one, I'm saving myself for marriage."

So he puts his hand down her panties and takes a little feel. Things are getting a lot warmer and he asks, "Can't we please?"

She of course states, "NO, I'm saving myself for marriage."

He says, "Please, please?" and she says, "No, absolutely not, I'm saving myself for marriage."

He says, "How about if I agree to only just put the tip in?"

She says, "No way, I'm saving myself for marriage."

He begs and pleads with her, "I promise, just the tip, no more,and we'll stop after that."

She finally gives in, "Okay, but just the tip, no more, and that's all."

He says okay and pulls down her panties and puts the tip in... he's so hot and ready that he can't control himself shoves it the whole way in and starts going to town... she meanwhile is moaning and groaning and shouts, "OKAY, GO AHEAD, PUT IT THE WHOLE WAY IN!"

A little stunned, he says, "NO, absolutely not, a deals a deal!"

_** Risque_

# Bad Wish

There were two teenagers and they just got thru playing basketball. So they went to the showerhouse.

They were in the showerhouse and the first teenager noticed a cork up the other teenagers butt. So when they got out of the showerhouse, the first teenager ask why he had a cork up his butt?

The other teenager said, "Well, I was at the beach and a fairy said she could grant me one wish", and in amazement I said - "No Shit!"

# A Very Cool Date *

It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in. "Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?," he says.

"That's cool" says Bobby.

Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do.

Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.

Carrie's father responds "why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it."

Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Bobby - so he asks Carrie's Dad to repeat it.

"Yeah," says Carrie's father, "Carrie really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!"

Well, this just made Bobby's eyes light up, and his plan for the evening was beginning to look pretty good.

A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.

About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father: "DAMMIT DADDY! ...IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!"

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Class Reunion

A guy goes to his high school class reunion. Having not seen anyone in twenty-five years he's very curious as to who might show up.

When he gets there he runs into his old high school sweetheart. They sit down and talk about the past.

"How have you been?" he asks.

"I've been fine, just fine," she replies, "Although I do have some good news and a little bad news, though."

"Bad news first, please."

"Well, a few weeks ago I had to have a hysterectomy."

"Oh my, that's too bad. I'm sorry to hear that."

"But the good news is the doctor found your old high school class ring you thought you lost!"

_** Risque_

# Intercom Announcement

It had been snowing for hours when an announcement came over the high school intercom: "Will the students who are parked on University Drive please move their cars so that we may begin plowing."

Twenty minutes later there was another announcement: "Will the twelve hundred students who went to move "26 cars," return to class."

# Knowledge Pills

A somewhat advanced society has figured how to package basic knowledge in pill form.

A student, needing some learning, goes to the pharmacy and asks what kind of knowledge pills are available. The pharmacist says, "Here's a pill for English literature." The student takes the pill and swallows it and has new knowledge about English literature!

"What else do you have?" asks the student.

"Well, I have pills for art history, biology, and world history," replies the pharmacist.

The student asks for these, and swallows them and has new knowledge about those subjects.

Then the student asks, "Do you have a pill for math?"

The pharmacist says, "Wait just a moment," goes back into the storeroom, brings back a whopper of a pill, and plunks it on the counter.

"I have to take that huge pill for math?" inquires the student.

The pharmacist replied, "Well, you know math always was a little hard to swallow."

# Just a Little Poetry *

A pharmacist is training a new part-time teenage employee. Having observed the new clerk display a lack of enthusiasm when dealing with the customers, the pharmacist gives the young clerk some sage advise.

"When a customer comes into the shop, be very polite to them and try to put a little poetry into it when you're talking to them."

The youth says that he does not see what the pharmacist means by this, so the pharmacist says that he should observe when the next customer comes in and watch how he or she is dealt with.

Presently a middle aged woman comes in to the shop and asks for something for a tummy bug.

The pharmacist says, "There's a lot of that virus going about, but this pink mixture should sort you out!"

"Oh thank you very much!" says the middle aged woman and she leaves the shop.

So the pharmacist says the youth can serve the next customer while he goes to tea break, "And remember to put some poetry into it" he says.

Anyway, the youth waits around and nobody comes in, so he decides to go to the restroom. Just as he's about to nip off, a young teenage girl comes in.

"Can I help you?" he asks. She replies very embarrassedly that she would like to buy some sanitary towels, to which the youth replies :

"Hang on Miss, I'm dying for a piss, but I'll be back in a flash, with a sash for your gash!"

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# The Condom Purchase *

A teenage boy and his girlfriend are out on a date one Saturday night when the boy tells the girl that since they have been going steady for two months he wants to go all the way. The girl finally agrees, but tells the boy that he must use a condom. The boy agrees, but since he does not have a condom they drive to a nearby drug store.

The boy spots the condoms on the display rack behind the counter and rings for service. The male pharmacist is busy filling a prescription, so he sends his female assistant to handle the customer. Not prepared to face such a delicate purchase with a female clerk, the boy quickly looks around the display behind the counter and spots a pair of tweezers for $1.98 and tells the lady that's what he wants. He makes the purchase and returns to the car. After he tells the girl about his embarrassing encounter he asks her to reconsider her demand that they use a condom. When she refuses, he returns to the drug store for another try.

This time he waits until it looks like the male pharmacist is not busy and then he walks up to the counter and rings for service. At just that moment, someone calls in a prescription, and the male pharmacist again motions for his female assistant to help the teenager. Again the teenager is embarrassed to ask the female clerk for a condom so he spots some lollypops in a jar on the counter and tells the clerk he wants a large chocolate one. He buys the lollypop and goes back out to the car. Again the girlfriend refuses to have sex without a condom and sends the boy back into the drug store.

This time the boy waits until the male pharmist is standing behind the counter and then he approaches and asks him for a pack of condoms. The male pharmist, who has observed the previous two purchases, smiles and says "that's what you wanted all along isn't it?"

"No, says the boy, trying to act macho, I just couldn't figure out whether I wanted to pluck it, suck it, or fuck it."

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Contraceptive Dilemma *

A young teenage girl goes into the drug store, waits until a female pharmacist is available and then explains: "I'm having sex with my boyfriend and I need some form of birth control. What would you recommend?"

"What about birth control pills? says the pharmacist.

"No," says the girl, "I don't want my doctor or my folks to know I'm having sex."

"Well," says the pharmacist, "then a diaphram and the patch are not a solution either. Why don't you just buy a pack of condoms?"

"That won't work either," says the girl, "my folks might find the condoms in my purse, and my boyfriend won't use a condom, because he is Catholic."

"Well," says the pharmacist, "we do have a new birth control medicine which does not require a prescription and can be taken just before sex. They look and taste just like mints so neither your folks or your boyfriend will become suspicious that you are practicing birht control."

"That sounds like a great solution," says the girl, "what are they called?"

The pharmacist smiles and says: "The're called Predickamints."

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Had a Flat Tire

Four high school boys afflicted with spring fever skipped morning classes. After lunch they reported to the teacher that they had a flat tire.

Much to their relief she smiled and said: "Well, you missed a test today so take seats apart from one another and take out a piece of paper."

Still smiling, she waited for them to sit down. Then she said:

"First Question: Which tire was flat?"

# An Engagement Ring

The girl asked her lover, "Darling, if we get engaged will you give me a ring?"

"Sure, " replied her lover "What's your phone number?"

# John Dunn

A farm boy goes into a small Midwest town to buy some new clothes. The clerk asks him why he is buying all the fancy new clothes.

"I'm going to New York," says the teenager," Ive just graduated from high school and I'm going to the big city to look for a job."

"That's great," says the clerk, "I have a son in New York, could you give him a message for me?"

"Sure," says the teenager, "what's his name?"

"John Dunn," says the Clerk.

So the teenager goes to New York and true to his word he asks a businessman on the subway where he can find John Dunn.

"The only Dunn I know is the Dunn & Bradstreet brokerage firm, "says the businessman, "it's on Wall Street two stops from here on the subway.

So the teenager get's off the subway finds the Dunn & Bradstreet building, walks up to the receptionist and says: "Do you have a John here?"

The receptionist thinks he wants a men's room and tells him to go down the hall and take the third door to his right. The teenager walks into the restroom just as a guy is leaving one of the toilet stalls.

"Are you Dunn?" asks the teenager.

"Yea, I'm done," says the guy.

"Give your mother a call," says the teenager.

# Special Anniversary

On their Twenty-fifth anniversary, a husband took his wife to dinner. Their teenage daughters said they'd have dessert waiting for them when they returned. After returning home, the couple saw that the dining room table was beautifully set with china, crystal and candles.

There was a note that read: "Your dessert is in the refrigerator. We are staying with friends, so go ahead and do something we wouldn't do!"

"I suppose," the husband responded, "we could vacuum . . ."

# An Abstract Noun

"An abstract noun," the teacher said, "is something you can think of, but you can't touch it. Can you give me an example of one?"

"Sure," a teenage boy replied. "I can give you three. My father's booze, my mother's car, and my sisters boobs."

# A Tough Teacher

A high school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all. On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school.

Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

He had no trouble with discipline that term.

# Linebacker Potential

Vince Lombardi was driving through rural Wisconsin in a blinding snowstorm. Because of the bad visibility and the slippery road, his car slid off the road and into a deep ditch. Since this was before the days of cell phones, he decided that he would just sit in the car and wait for someone to drive down the road and be able to pull him out of the ditch or send back a tow truck.

Because of the rural nature of the road and the extremely bad weather, there was no traffic on the road. After a couple of hours there was a tap on the window. Vince rolled down the window to find a large Swedish girl bundled up for the storm who had been walking down the road.

Vince asked the girl if she could get a tractor or plow horse from her farm and help him out of the ditch. The girl sized up the situation and told Vince that she could hoist the car out of the ditch by herself. As Vince looked on in amazement, the girl easily lifted the car and placed it back on the road.

"How would you like to quit high school, move to the city and make a lot of money? asked Vince.

"Vat voud I have to dooo to make a lot of money?" says the girl cautiously.

"I would like to have you play with the Green Bay Packers," says Vince.

"Dat sounds like a great opportunity" says the girl, "but I don't play vith anybody's pecker but Oly's."

# Chapter 5

# Train, Bus & Taxi Jokes

#

Illustration by Terry Eade

Some of the jokes in this chapter may appear in other chapters. For example a joke about a duck on a train may appear here and in the Animal Jokes section. However, the jokes will have the same title in both chapters. The illustration above was drawn by the author and is protected by copyright.

The jokes have been annotated by an asterisk (*) for those which have language or content you may find offensive, a double asterisk (**) for those which are risque, and a triple asterisk (***) for those which may not be suitable for mixed company. Those jokes without annotation are more suitable for general audiences and usually more appropriate for speaking engagements. Viewer discretion is recommended.

# The Slow Train

A passenger train is creeping along, slowly. Finally it creaks to a halt. A passenger sees a conductor walking by outside.

"What's going on?" she yells out the window.

"Cow on the tracks!" replies the conductor.

Ten minutes later, the train resumes its slow pace.

Within five minutes, however, it stops again.

The woman sees the same conductor walk by again.

She leans out the window and yells, "What happened? Did we catch up with the cow again?"

# Let's Pretend

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the man on the top bunk, the woman on the lower.

In the middle of the night the man leans over and says, "I'm sorry, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket?"

The woman leans out and, with a glint in her eye, says, "I've got a better idea...let's pretend we're married."

"Why not," laughs the man.

"Good," she replies. "Get your own blanket."

# One Step Ahead

A group of programmers and a group of lawyers are traveling to a convention on the same train. Each of the lawyers have purchased a ticket but the programmers have pooled their money and only purchased one ticket. The lawyers can't figure out how all the programmers are going to get to ride with only one ticket.

Just before the conductor comes into the car all of the programmers pile into one of the restrooms. The conductor collects a ticket from each of the lawyers and then noticing that the "occupied" sign is showing on the restroom, knocks on the restroom door and says "Ticket please." When he does the programmers shove the single ticket under the door and the conductor takes the ticket and proceeds to the next car.

The lawyers think this is very smart, so on the trip back they only purchase one ticket. This time the programmers don't purchase any tickets at all. Now the lawyers are really baffled on how the programmers can get by without even a single ticket. This time when the conductor is coming the programmers all pile into the first restroom and the lawyers all pile into the second restroom. Then just before the conductor arrives one of the programmers comes out of the first restroom, goes over to the second restroom, where the lawyers are, knocks on the door and says "Ticket please."

# Two Blondes in the Forest

Two blondes were out walking in the forest one day to get some exercise, fresh air, and to enjoy the beautiful summer day. They had both been reading books about nature as well as the local area and were very excited about what they could discover first hand about the flowers, the birds, and the animals they came across on their walk.

Suddenly they came upon a set of tracks in the middle of a clearing. "Look", said the first blonde "it's deer tracks." "No", replied the second blonde, "they're too big to be deer tracks, they must be elk tracks."

The first blonde said "They do look awfully big, I'll bet they're moose tracks, they do have moose around here." "No", replied the second blonde, "I'm sure they're elk tracks, I do know quite a bit about nature and the outdoors." Then the first blonde retorted "Well, I know just as much as you do, and I think they're moose tracks."

Then while they were standing there arguing about what kind of tracks they were, the train came along and ran them both over.

# The Bull and the Train

A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher claimed that the bull must have been hit by the train, and wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.

The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store.

As soon as the rancher showed up, the attorney for the railroad pulled him aside and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.

After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!"

The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that darned bull came home this morning."

# Busload of Politicans

A busload of politicians were driving down a country road, when suddenly the bus ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer's barn.

The old farmer got off his tractor and went to investigate. Soon he dug a hole and buried the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.

The old farmer told him he had buried them.

The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Lordy, were they ALL dead?"

The old farmer said, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them crooked politicians lie."

# Overheard on the Bus

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed swine, " retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' about a sexa? I'm a just tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."

# The Train to London

During WW II an American soldier had been on the front lines in Europe for three months, when he was finally given a week of R & R. He caught a supply boat to a supply base in the south of England, and then caught a train to London.

The train was extremely crowded and he could not find a seat. He was dead on his feet and walked the length of the train looking for any place to sit down. Finally he found a compartment with seats facing each other; there was room for two people on each seat. On one side sat only a proper looking, older British lady with a small dog sitting in the empty seat beside her.

Could I please sit in that seat?" he asked. The lady was insulted. "You bloody Americans are so rude," she said. "Can't you see my dog is sitting there?" He walked through the train once more and still could not find a seat. He found himself back at the same place.

"Lady, I love dogs - have a couple at home - so I would be glad to hold your dog if I could sit down," he said. The lady replied, "You Americans are not only rude you are arrogant too."

He leaned against the wall for a time, but was so tired he finally said, "Lady, I've been on the front lines in Europe for three months with not a decent rest for all that time. Could I please sit there and hold your dog?" The lady replied, "You Americans are not only rude and arrogant, you are also obnoxious!"

With that comment, the soldier calmly stepped in, picked up the dog, threw it out the window, and sat down. The lady was speechless. An older, neatly dressed Englishman sitting across on the other seat spoke up.

"Young man, I do not know if all you Americans fit the lady's description of you or not. But I do know that you Americans do a lot of things wrong. You drive on the wrong side of the road, you hold your fork with the wrong hand, and now you have just thrown the wrong bitch out of the window."

# Taxi Driver's Fantasy **

An attractive nun got into a taxi one evening and noticed the taxi driver staring at her continuously. The taxi driver finally spoke up and said: "I'm really sorry, sister. I'm dying to ask you a favor but I'm afraid it might offend you."

The nun replied: "My son, you can ask me anything. In all my years, I've heard the worst of everything and nothing you tell me is going to offend me".

"Okay," the taxi driver said. "I've always had a fantasy about a nun performing oral sex on me."

"Well, let's see what we can do about that," she replied. "Firstly, you have to be single and a Catholic."

At this, the taxi driver got extremely excited. "Oh yes, sister! I am single and a Catholic!"

So they pulled over to an alley and the nun fulfilled his fantasy. Once they got back into the taxi, the taxi driver began to cry.

"My son, why are you crying?" the nun asked.

"Oh sister, I lied. I'm so sorry. I'm Jewish and I am married!" he sobbed.

The nun replied: "That's alright. My name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party."

_** Risque_

# What a Deal *

George is out of town on business and has nothing to do after he eats dinner alone in the hotel restaurant. He goes back to his room, but nothing is on television and he is bored. So he goes down to the lobby and has the has the doorman flag him down a cab.

"Where to buddy?" says the cabby.

"I don't know" says George, "I'm bored and looking for a little action, any suggestions?"

"Well I know of a place where you can get some great sex and loose weight too," responds the cabby.

"You've got to be kidding", says George.

"I'm not," says the cabby "they have great looking girls and the weight loss is guaranteed."

A few minutes later George arrives at the place the cabby had described. George goes in and confirms that they are in fact running a fitness brothel. At the recommendation of the proprietor he starts out slow and selects the five pound starter program. For this program he is led to a large room with a number of ramps and stairs. Soon after George enters the room an attractive blonde wearing nothing but a pair of running shoes enters the room. She is carrying a sign saying:"If you catch me, I'm yours."After about an hour George finally catches the blonde and they have wild sex for another half hour. After he showers, George weighs himself and can't believe his eyes, he has lost six pounds.

The next night George returns to the same place and signs up for the ten pound program. This time he is taken to an even larger room equipped like an obstacle course with walls to climb over, ropes up to and down from high platforms, moats to swim through, and a large running track filled with dry sand. This time a beautiful, athletic looking, redhead wearing only running shoes comes in with a sign saying: "If you catch me I'm yours." After two hours of chasing the redhead George finally catches her and then spends almost an hour reaping his reward. This time he weighs himself and is elated that he has lost a whopping twelve pounds.

The next night George is back and wants to sign up for the twenty pound program. The proprietor warns him that this is a very intensive workout this early in his conditioning regiment. George is insistent, however, citing his success with the five and ten pound programs, and explaining that this is his last night in town before returning home. Reluctantly the proprietor agrees and leads him to a room which is larger and more challenging than the first two rooms combined.

As George is contemplating his impending twenty pound weight loss as well as the great sex, a large male gorilla enters the room with a sign reading: "If I catch you, you're mine!"

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Turn About is Fair Play

A guy is on a date with this girl, so he takes her to Lover's Lane.

When they get up there, she says, ''I have to be honest with you, I'm a hooker.''

The guy thinks about this for a short time and says it's okay. He agrees to pay her $25 and they start having sex.

After they finish, the guy says, ''I have to be honest with you now. I'm a cab driver and it'll cost you $25 for me to drive you back into town.''

# Indian Mating Call

Two Indians and a Hillbilly were walking in the woods. All of a sudden, one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave. "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" he called into the cave and then he listened very closely until he heard an answering, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave. The Hillbilly was puzzled and asked the other Indian what that was all about. Was the other Indian crazy or what?

"No," said the Indian. "It is our custom during mating season. When Indian men see cave, they holler, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo! into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there is a girl in there waiting to mate."

Just then they saw another cave. The Indian ran up to the opening of the cave, stopped, and hollered, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" Immediately, there was an answering "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" from deep inside the cave. He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Hillbilly wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then he came upon a great big cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, "Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!" He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" He grinned and closed his eyes in anticipation, and then he heard the answering call, "WOOOOOOOOO!WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO!"

With a gleam in his eyes and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran. The following day, the headline of the Local Newspaper read, "NAKED HILLBILLY RUN OVER BY FREIGHT TRAIN"

# The Redneck and the Nun **

A redneck gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The redneck looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him. The nun surprised by the question politely declines and gets off the bus at the next stop.

When the bus starts on it's way the driver says to the redneck, "I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you". The redneck says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery and pray's to God. If you went dressed in a robe and glow in the dark paint mask she would think you are god and you could command her to have sex with you.

The redneck decides this is a great idea, so on Tuesday he goes to the dark cemetery and waits for the nun to show up. At midnight sure enough the nun showed up, while she was in the middle of praying the redneck jumped out from hiding and says. "I AM GOD. I have heard your prayers and I will answer them BUT ... first you must have sex with me."

The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity because she is married to the church. The redneck agrees to this and has his way with the nun. After the redneck finishes he stands up and rips off the mask and shouts "Ha, Ha Ha I'm the redneck!!"

Then the nun jumps up, throws off her habit, and shouts "Ha Ha Ha I'm the bus driver!!"

_** Risque_

# Career Opportunities

A priest and a rabbi are seated next to each other on a train from New York to Boston. Wanting to start a conversation, the priest decides to impress the rabbi with the professional opportunities available to a cleric in the Catholic church.

"After spending a reasonable time in a parish, a successful priest can expect to be considered for a position as a bishop," allows the priest.

"That's very nice," responds the rabbi sounding very unimpressed.

"Then the best bishops will become candidates to be archbishops," continues the priest.

"I suppose a young fellow could do worse," responds the rabbi.

Still trying to impress the rabbi, the priest says, " and the very cream of the crop will be able to accent to the lofty position of cardinal."

"That's nice," says the rabbi without much emotion.

"One of these cardinals will be chosen for the highest position in the Church and be selected by the college of cardinals to be the Pope," the priest conveys with excitement.

"It sounds like a very good job," says the rabbi, still sounding quite unimpressed.

By now the priest is totally exasperated and hollers, "What do you want him to become, Jesus Christ himself?"

"Well one of our boys made it," responds the rabbi.

# Policeman Joke

A man was riding on a commuter train from Provence to New York. He decided to strike up a conversation with the guy in the next seat. "I've got a great policeman joke. Would you like to hear it?"

"I should let you know first that I am a New York City policeman."

"That's OK. I'll tell it really slow!"

# Blonde at the Bus Stop

A blonde was visiting Washington, DC for the first time. She wanted to see the Capitol building. Unfortunately, she couldn't find it, so she asked a police officer for directions - "Excuse me, officer, how do I get to the Capitol building?"

The officer replied, "Wait here at this bus stop for the number 54 bus. It'll take you right there." She thanked the officer and he drives off.

Three hours later the police officer returned to the same area and, sure enough, the blonde is still waiting at the same bus stop.

The officer got out of his car and said, "Excuse me, but to get to the Capitol building, I said to wait here for the number 54 bus and that was three hours ago! Why are you still waiting?"

The blonde replied, "Don't worry, officer, it won't be long now. The 45th bus just went by!"

# Indecent Exposure

A blonde woman is walking down the street, with her blouse open. A cop is approaching from about a block away, thinking, "Boy, my eyes must be going, it looks like that woman's right breast is hanging out."

As he gets closer it becomes apparent that her breast is hanging out. When he gets face to face with her he says, "Ma'am, are you aware I could cite you for indecent exposure?"

She says, "Why, officer?"

"Well, your breast is hanging out."

She looks down and says "OMIGOD, I left the baby on the bus!"

# The Performance Scale

Father O'Flannagan dies due to old age. Upon entering St.Peter's gate, there is another man in front, waiting to go into heaven. St. Peter asks the man, "What is your name what did you accomplish during your life?".

The man responds "My name is Joe Cohen, and I was a New York city Taxi driver for 14 years"

"Very well," says St. Peter, "Here is your silk robe and golden scepter, now you may walk in the streets of our Lord."

St. Peter looks at the Father, and asks "What is your name and what did you accomplish?"

He responds, "I'm Father O'Flannagan, and have devoted the last 62 years to the Lord".

"Very well," says St. Peter, "Here is your cotton robe and wooden staff, you may enter."

"Wait a minute," says O'Flannagan, "You gave the taxi driver a silk robe and golden scepter, why did I only get a cotton robe and wooden staff?".

"Well," St. Peter replied, "We work on a performance scale, you see while you preached, everyone slept, when he drove taxis, everyone prayed!"

# Annoyed Bus Driver

A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, ''If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull.''

The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, ''If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant.''

The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, ''What if your dad was gay and your mom was a prostitute?!''

The kid smiles and says, ''I would be a bus driver!'

# Old Man on the Bus *

An old man gets on a crowded bus and no one gives him a seat.

As the bus shakes and rattles, the old man's cane slips on the floor and he falls down.

As he gets up, a seven-year-old kid, sitting nearby, turns to him and says, "If you put a little rubber thingy on the end of your stick, it wouldn't slip."

The old man snaps back, "Well, if your daddy did the same thing seven years ago, I would have a seat today!"

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Senior Citizen Bus Tour *

On a senior citizen bus tour, the driver was surprised. While the passengers were unloading to do some sightseeing, one elderly lady stopped and whispered in his ear, "Driver, I believe that I was sexually harassed!"

The driver didn't think much of this complaint, but promised he would check into it soon.

Later, that very same day, as the passengers were unloading again, a second little old lady bent down and whispered in his ear, "Sir, I believe I was sexually harassed!"

This time, he knew it had to be taken care of soon.

A few passengers had remained on the bus, and he decided to go back and question them, to see if they had any knowledge of what was going on. He found one little old man crawling along the bus floor underneath the seats and stooped down to question him.

"Excuse me, sir, can I help you?"

The elderly man looked up and said, "Well, sonny, you sure can. My eyesight is almost gone. I've lost my toupee and I'm trying to find it. I thought I'd found it twice, but they were both parted in the middle...and mine's parted on the side!"

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# All Aboard

One day a mother was working in the kitchen and listening to her son playing with his new electric trains in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, because this is the last stop. All you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses on the train now, because we're leaving."

The mother went into the living room and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now go to your room for two hours. When you come back down, you may play with your trains as long as you use proper language."

Two hours later, the mother was still working in the kitchen when her son came out of his room and resumed playing with his trains. The train stopped and the mother heard, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all your belongings. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one.For those just boarding, we ask that you stow your hand luggage under the seat and we hope you enjoy your trip."

The mother smiled to herself, pleased with the way she had handled the situation and the resulting improvement, when her thoughts were interrupted by her son's next announcement.

"For those of you who are pissed off about the two hour delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen," continued the son.

# The Blonde Commuter

A blonde came home from her first day commuting into the city. Her mother noticed she was looking a little peaked and asked, "Honey, are you feeling all right?"

"Not really," the blonde replied. "I'm nauseous from sitting backward on the train."

"Poor dear," Mom said. "Why didn't you ask the person sitting across from you to switch seats for a while?"

"I couldn't," she replied, "there was no one there."

# Two Blondes at a Bus Stop

Two blondes are waiting at a bus stop. When a bus pulls up and opens the door, one of the blondes leans inside and asks the bus driver: "Will this bus take me to 5th Avenue?"

The bus driver shakes his head and says, "No, I'm sorry."

Hearing this, the other blonde leans inside, smiles, and twitters: "Will it take ME?" 

# Eating a Banana

Two Polish guys were taking their first trip to Warsaw on the train. A vendor came down the corridor selling bananas, which they'd never seen before. Each bought one.

The first one eagerly peeled the banana and bit into it just as the train went into a tunnel. When the train emerged from the tunnel, he looked across to his friend and said, "I wouldn't eat that if I were you."

"Why not?"

"I took one bite and went blind for half a minute!" 

# Sure is a Wonder ***

One day Rastus and Liza Jane were sitting at the bus stop when Rastus ups and asks, "Liza Jane can I's look up your dress before the bus gets here?"

Liza Jane was startled and said, "No Rastus you cain't!"

Well Rastus persisted and persisted till finally Liza Jane said, "Alright if'n it will shut you up you can."

So Rastus looks up her dress and sees that see has no panties on to which he exclaims, "Sho is a wonder!"

Well the bus shows up and they gets on.

Next day, Rastus and Liza Jane are sitting there again when Rastus ups and asks her, "Liza Jane, can I look up your dress again?" Well Liza Jane at first refused, but as the day before she then gave in. So Rastus looks up there and seeing no panties he exclaims, again, "Sho is a wonder!"

Well this goes on for a few days when on the last day that Liza Jane would permit Rastus to look up her dress she tells him, "Rastus you can look up my dress but you have to tell me one thing?"

Rastus replies, "What's that?"

"Every time you look up my dress you says, "Sho is a wonder. Sho is a wonder what?"

To which Rastus replies, "Sho is a wonder your guts don't fall out!!"

_*** May not be suitable for mixed company_

# Buying Train Tickets

There were three priests in a railroad station, all wanting to go home to Pittsburgh. Behind the ticket counter was a very, very shapely lass, well endowed, gorgeous, amazing woman. The priests were all in embarrassing new territory, so they drew straws to determine who would get the tickets.

The first priest approached the window... "Young lady," he began, "I would like three pickets to titsburg." Whereupon he completely lost his composure and fled.

The second priest approached... "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh," he began, "and I would like the change in nipples and dimes." He turns red and runs away.

Then came the third... "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh, and I would like the change in nickels and dimes. And I must say," he continued, "if you insist on dressing like that when you get to the pearly gates - St. Finger's going to shake his peter at you!"

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Your Weight and Fortune

A nun was going to Chicago. She went to the railroad station and sat down waiting for her traint. She looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tells your weight and fortune. So, she thought to herself, "I'll give it a try just to see what it tells me."

She went over to the machine and put her quarter in and out came a card that said, "You're a nun and weigh 128 lb., and you are going to Chicago, Illinois." She sat back down and thought about it. She told herself "a macchine couldn't possibly know who I am and where I am going -- it must be just a random assortment of comments added to the weight," so she decided to try it again.

She went back to the machine and put her quarter in. Out came a card that read, "You're a nun, weigh 128 lb., you're going to Chicago, Illinois and you are going to play a fiddle." The nun said to herself, "I know that's wrong, I have never played a musical instrument in my life." She sat back down. From nowhere a cowboy came over and set his fiddle case down next to her. She picked it up and just started playing beautiful music. Startled she looked back at the machine and said, "This is incredible. I've got to try it again."

Back to the machine, she put her quarter in and another card came out. It said, "You're a nun, you weigh 128 lb., you're going to Chicago, Illinois and you're going to break wind." Now, the nun knows the machine is wrong. "I've never broke wind in public a day in my life." Well, she tripped getting off the scale and broke wind. Stunned she sat back down and looked at the machine. She said to herself, "This is truly unbelievable! I've got to try it again."

She went back to the machine, put her quarter in and collected the card. It said, "You're a nun, you weigh 128 lb., you have fiddled and farted around and missed your train to Chicago.

# Chicken Launcher

It seems the US Federal Aviation Administration (FAA) has a unique device for testing the strength of windshields on airplanes. The device is a gun that launches a dead chicken at a plane's windshield at approximately the speed the plane flies.

The theory is that if the windshield doesn't crack from the carcass impact, it'll survive a real collision with a bird during flight. A group of British engineers were very interested in this and wanted to test a windshield on a brand new, speedy locomotive they're developing for a new British bullet train.

The British engineers borrowed the FAA's chicken launcher, loaded the chicken and fired. The ballistic chicken shattered the train's windshield, went through the engineer's chair, broke an instrument panel and embedded itself in the back wall of the engine cab. The British engineers were stunned and asked the FAA engineers to recheck the test to see if everything was done correctly.

The FAA engineers reviewed the test thoroughly and had one recommendation: "Next time use a thawed chicken rather than a frozen one."

# I'll Miss My Train

A mother-in-law visits her son-in-law before leaving for a trip. They are sipping coffee and chatting.

Suddenly, mother-in-law looks at the clock and jumps off her chair exclaiming, "My god! It's already three P.M. I'm about to miss my train!" She begins to put her clothes on in a hurry.

At this moment, the son-in-law's daughter runs up to her and before he can do anything and announces, "Don't hurry, granny! Daddy moved the clock two hours ahead!"

# New on the Job

A tourist is picked up by a cabbie in New York on a dark night. The passenger taps the driver on the shoulder to ask him something.

The driver screams, loses control of the car, nearly hits a bus, drives up on the sidewalk, and stops inches from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look friend, don't EVER do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"

The passenger apologizes and says he didn't realize that a "little tap" could scare him so much.

The driver, after gathering himself together replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault.Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving hearses for the last twenty-five years!"

# Charitable Act

Two college students, Frank and Matt, are riding on a New York City subway when a beggar approaches them asking for spare change.

Frank adamantly rejects the man in disgust.

Matt, on the other hand, whips out his wallet, pulls out a couples of dollar bills and gladly hands them over to the beggar with a smile.

The beggar thanks him kindly and then continues on to the other passengers.

Frank is outraged by his friend's act of generosity.

"What on earth did you do that for?" shouts Frank. "You know he's only going to use it on drugs or booze!!!"

Matt replies, "What...and we weren't?"

# Railroad Job Interview

Tom is applying for a job as a signalman for the local railroad, and is told to meet the inspector at the signal box.

The inspector decides to give Tom a pop quiz, asking, "What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading towards each other on the same track?"

Tom says, "I would switch one train to another track."

"What if the lever broke?" asks the inspector.

"I'd run down to the tracks and use the manual lever," answers Tom.

"What if that had been struck by lightning?" challenges the inspector.

"Then," Tom continues, "I'd run back up here and use the phone to call the next signal box."

"What if the phone was busy?"

"In that case," Tom argues, "I'd run to the street level and use the public phone near the station".

"What if that had been vandalized?"

"Oh, well," says Tom, "in that case I'd run into town and get my Uncle Leo."

This puzzles the inspector, so he asks, "Why would you do that?"

"Because he's never seen a train crash!"

# The Vegas Cabbie **

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost all his cash, had run his credit cards up to the max, and had nothing left but the second half of his round trip ticket -- If he could just get to the airport then could get himself home.

So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail.

The cabbie said, "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!"

So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.

One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain His financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big time.

Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck.

The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan. The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked?

"Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much for you to give me a blow job on the way?"

"What?! Get the hell out of my cab."

The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?"

The cabbie replied, "Fifteen bucks."

The businessman said "ok" and off they went.

Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver in line.

_** Risque_

# The Vanishing Poker Game

A policeman walks into a bus station and sees four guys playing poker at a table in the bus station cafeteria. He walks up to the first guy and says "I'm running you in for illegal gambling in a public place."

"I'm not gambling officer," says the guy, " I just sat down here to wait for my bus."

"Then what is all that money doing in front of you on the table?" barks the cop.

"I was just counting my money to make sure I had enough for my trip," says the first guy.

So the cop turns to the the second guy and says: "I'm running you in for playing poker."

"I wasn't playing poker either officer," says the second guy, " I just sat down here to count my money and see if I could afford a bus ticket."

At this point the third guy says: "I wasn't playing poker either officer, I just sat down and started counting my money to see if I could afford to get some dinner."

"OK, OK", says the policeman, " you guys have got your excuses and I'm going to have to let you go.

He then turned to the fourth guy and says; "Not only do you have a pile of money in front of you but you were shuffling a deck of cards when I came into the building. I know you were playing poker and I have all the evidence."

"Me playing poker officer? says the fourth guy, "with who?"

# Golf Balls

A man enters a bus, with both of his front pants pockets full of golf balls, and sits down next to a blonde. The blond kept looking quizzically at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."

The blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?

# International Bus Rules

In the good ol' U.S. of A., buses will have a sign saying "Don't speak to the driver."

In Germany, the sign reads: "It is strictly forbidden for passengers to speak to the driver."

In England: "You are graciously requested to refrain from speaking to the driver."

In Scotland: "What have you got to gain by speaking to the driver?"

And in Italy: "Don't answer the driver."

# The Texan and the Cabbie

A Texan was taking a taxi tour of London, and was in a hurry.

As they went by the Tower of London the cabbie explained what it was and that construction started in 1346 and it was completed in 1412, the Texan replied, "Shoot, a little ol' tower like that? In Houston we'd have that thing up in two weeks!"

House of Parliament next - Started construction in 1544, completed 1618 "Hell boy, we put up a bigger one than that in Dallas and it only took a year!"

As they passed Westminister Abbey the cabbie was silent.

"Whoah! What's that over there?" says the Texan.

"Damned if I know," says the cabbie, "it wasn't there yesterday..."

# Excess Baggage

A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a lawyer are in a train.

The Russian takes a bootle of the Best Vodka out of his pack; pours some into a glass, drinks it, and says: "In USSR, we have the best vodka of the world, nowhere in the world you can find Vodka as good as the one we produce in Ukrainia. And we have so much of it, that we can just throw it away..." Saying that, he open the window and throw the rest of the bottle thru it. All the others are quite impressed.

The Cuban takes a pack of Havanas, takes one of them, lights it and begins to smoke it saying: "In Cuba, we have the best cigars of the world: Havanas, nowhere in the world are there such good cigars and we have so many of them, that we can just throw them away..." Saying that, he throws the pack of Havanas through the window. One more time, everybody is quite impressed.

At this time, the American just stands up, opens the window, and throws the lawyer through it...

# Thank Stalin

An old woman is riding a crowded bus and has to stand with her heavy packages. Finally, someone in front of her gives up a seat and so she grabs it. "Thank God," she says.

A man in the seat behind her says, "Excuse me comrade, but this is an athiest society. You should say 'Thank Stalin,' not 'Thank God.'"

"Of course you are right," the old woman says. "Thank Stalin." She is silent for a moment, then says: "Comerade, I have just had a terrible thought: What shall we say when Stalin dies?"

The man behind her replies, "In that case I think we can say 'Thank God.'"

# Road Kill Special *

Two hobos, Ben and Willie, have been riding all day long in an empty boxcar on a westbound freight train. They are about fifty miles out of Wichita, Kansas when the train pulls into a siding to wait for an oncoming train to pass.

"We haven't had anything to eat all day long," says Ben, "Let's hop off here and see if we can find something to eat around here. Then we can hop the next westbound freight tomorrow.

"Good idea," says Willie, "I'm starved too."

The two hobos walk over to the highway and start walking toward Wichita. It is the dead of winter, however, and the fields are barren and covered with snow. After about a half an hour of walking they come to a possum which has been run over on the road.

"It's cold and it's stiff," says Ben, "but is food and there is enough here for the both of us."

"No," says Willie, "you go ahead, I'm going to wait for something better."

So Ben eats the whole possum by himself and they keep walking down the highway. About a half an hour later Ben gets sick and throws up on the road. At that point Willie gets down on his knees takes out a spoon and says: "This is what I've been waiting for -- a warm meal."

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Thrown Out of Bed

A man had to attend a large convention in Chicago. On this particular trip he decided to bring his wife. When they arrived at their hotel and were shown to their room, the man said:

"You rest here while I register for the convention - I'll be back within an hour."

The wife lies down on the bed... just then, an elevated train passes by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard she's thrown out of the bed.

Thinking this must be a freak occurrance, she lies down once more. Again a train shakes the room so violently, she's pitched to the floor. Exasperated, she calls the front desk, asks for the manager. The manager says he'll be right up.

The manager (naturally) is skeptical but the wife insists the story is true. "Look,... lie here on the bed - you'll be thrown right to the floor!" So he lies down next to the wife... Just then the husband walks in.

"What," he says, "are you doing here?"

The manager replies:

"Would you believe I'm waiting for a train?"

# Taxi Driver Logic

An American tourist was riding in a taxi in Israel. As the taxi approached a red light, the tourist was shocked to see the driver drive straight through without even slowing down.

Surprised as he was, he didn't say anything, feeling himself a "guest" and not wanting to make waves. The trip continued without event until the next intersection. This time the light was green and, to the American's dismay, the cab driver brought the vehicle to a grinding halt. Unable to contain his astonishment, he turns to the driver:

"Listen," he says, "when you went through the red light, I didn't say anything. But, why, in heaven's name, are you stopping at a green light?!"

The Israeli driver looks at him as if the American was deranged:

"Are you crazy?!" he shouts. "The other guy has a red light--do you want to get us killed?!"

# New York Taxi Driver

A cabbie is driving by the Empire State Building one day when he's flagged down by a fellow with a neat moustache, wearing a bowler hat and carrying an umbrella. The fellow gets into the cab.

"Where to?" asks the cabbie.

"Trafalgar Square, if you please," replies the fare in a clipped English public-school accent.

The cabbie doesn't bat an eyelash. "That's fifty-percent extra for out-of-town trips," he says, "and ya gotta pay all tolls an' ferry fares."

"Very well," replies the English gentleman, and so off they go. The cabbie drives to Kennedy International, arranges the trip to London, and drives his cab into the hold of a huge auto-transport plane. All the way across the Atlantic they fly, the meter running all the while. (Fifteen cents per sixty seconds not in motion, you know.) When they arrive at Heathrow they disembark, and the cabbie drives to Trafalgar Square.

The English gentleman pays the fare and a good tip besides and disappears into the crowd. The cabbie decides that he may not ever have another chance to see London, so he'll drive around a bit before going back. While he's sightseeing, another fellow by the curb flags him down and gets in the cab.

"Flatbush Avenue, please."

The cabbie scowls back at him and shouts, "I don't go ta Brooklyn!"

# Won Big in Vegas

A blonde drunk and a brunette drunk are sitting in a back alley sharing a cheap bottle of wine. The brunette bum tells the blonde that he was once a wealthy stock broker until the market went bad and then he lost all his money and his job as well. He then asks the blonde guy what his story was.

"Well," says the blonde bum, "I too was a successful businessman until I went to Las Vegas on a business convention and hit it big in a high stakes poker game. As soon as I got home, I moved out of my house and told my wife she could have the house, the car, and everything else. I had hated her for years and just wanted a quick divorce. Then I went to work the next morning, quit my job on the spot and told the boss what I really thought of him."

"So what about all the money you won in Vegas?" asks the bewildered brunette bum. "Are you sure that you won?"

"I can't figure that out either," says the blonde bum, "but I must have won, because I went to Vegas in a $25,000 car and came back in a $200,000 bus.

# Any Way You Want

Bill and a bunch of his buddies were out of town at a large business convention in Las Vegas. After the day's meetings they started drinking and gambling at all the casinos on the strip. At about two in the morning they all piled in a cab and started back to their hotel. Then one of the guys asked the cab driver if he knew of a brothel he could take them to.

"Sure," says the cabbie, "there is a good one just a few miles over the county line and it's legal over there."

So the cab load of businessmen all want to go and Bill does not want to be a wet blanket, so he goes along with the group. When they arrive at the brothel all the guys go into the lounge, pick out a girl and head up to a room, except Bill who just stays in the lounge and sips his drink. After noticing that several girls have approached Bill but he has rejected them all, the madame goes over to Bill."

"Hi there handsome," says the madame, "can't find the right girl?"

"I guess not," says Bill, "nobody wants to do it the way I want to do it."

"Were pretty adaptable here in Nevada," says the Madame, " Let me introduce you to Molly, she really likes the wild stuff and I'm sure she will do whatever you want."

So the madame introduces Bill to Molly, who takes his hand and leads him up the stairs to the rooms. A few minutes later the madame hears a crashing sound and sees Bill tumbling down the stairs and an irate Molly standing at the top of the landing. As the dazed Bill sits up and rubs his head, the madame comes up to him.

"How in the world did you want to do it? says the bewildered madame.

"I wanted to do it for free," says Bill with a grin.

# Talent Down Under **

Joe is sitting on a train across from a busty blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt.

Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs. To his delight, he realises she has gone without underwear.

The blonde realises he is staring and inquires, "Are you looking at my pussy?"

"Yes, I'm sorry," says Joe and promises to avert his eyes.

"It's quite alright," replies the woman, "It's very talented, watch this, I'll make it blow a kiss to you."

Sure enough the pussy blows him a kiss.

Joe, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else the wonder pussy can do.

"I can also make it wink," says the woman. Joe stares in amazement as the pussy winks at him.

"Come and sit next to me," suggests the woman, patting the seat. Joe moves over and is asked, "Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?"

Stunned, Joe replies, "Good grief! Can it whistle, too?"

_** Risque_

# Pregnant Woman on the Bus

A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus. She noticed a young man smiling at her and began to feel humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat, and he seemed more amused.

She moved again, and then on her fourth move, he burst out laughing. She had him arrested.

When the case came before the court, the young man was asked why he acted in such a manner. His reply was:

When the lady boarded the bus, I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant. She sat under an advertisement that read, "Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins." Then she moved under a sign that read, "Sloan's Liniments remove swelling."

I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement that read, "William's Stick Did the Trick."

Then I could not control myself any longer when, on the fourth move, she sat under an advertisement that read, "Dunlop Rubber Would Have Prevented This Accident."

The case was dismissed.

# Crowded Bus

The city bus was packed. It was rush hour, and many people were forced to stand. One particularly cramped woman turned to the man behind her and said, "Sir, if you don't stop poking me with your thing, I'm going to the cops!"

"I don't know what you're talking about miss - that's just my pay check in my pocket."

"Oh really," she spat. "Then you must have some job, because that's the fifth raise you've had in the last half hour!"

# Hobo Lion Tamer

Two hobos are riding on a circus train. They have been riding the rods on the circus train for a week and when the circus opens in each town they panhandle the crowd for enough money to buy a hot dog and then they slip under the tent and watch the show.

After the first week the first hobo says, "I'm going to become a lion tamer."

The other replies, "That's crazy, you don't know nothing about no lion taming."

"Yes I do!"

"Well, OK, answer me this. When one of those lions comes at you all roaring and biting, what you gonna do?"

"Well, then I take that big chair they all carry, and I stick it in his face until he backs down."

"Well, what if the lion takes that big paw, and hooks the chair with them big claws, and throws that chair out of the cage? What do you do then?"

"Well, then I takes that whip they all carry, and I whip him and whip him until he backs down."

"Well, what if that lion bites that whip with his big teeth, and bites it in two? What you gonna do then?"

"Well, then I take that gun they all carry, and I shoot him."

"Well, what if that gun doesn't work? What will you do then?"

"Well, then I pick up some of the shit that's on the bottom of the cage, and I throw it in his eyes, and I run out of the cage."

"Well, what if there ain't no shit in the bottom of the cage? What you gonna do then?"

"Well, that's dumb. Cause if that lion comes at me, and he throws the chair out of the cage, and he bites the whip in two, and my gun don't work, there's going to be some shit on the bottom of that cage, you can bet on that." 

# Tell Mother Goodbye *

A couple were going out for the evening. They'd got ready, all dolled up, dog put out, etc.

The taxi arrives, and as the couple got out, the dog shoots back in. They don't want the dog shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the dog out.

The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains to the taxi driver "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab -"Sorry I took so long" he says, "the stupid old bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a broom stick to get her to come out. Then she was so afraid of being put out in the cold for the night she ran downstairs and hid in the basement. Since we are running late I just locked her down there for the night!"

"Do you think she will be all right down there all night?" says the taxi driver in a concerned tone.

"Yea," says the husband, "there are some old rags in the corner she can sleep on and some water on the floor by the hot water heater if she gets thirsty. I just hope she doesn't shit behind the furnace again.!"

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# What is the Problem?

A man goes to his doctor and complains that his wife hasn't wanted to have sex with him for the past six months.

The doctor tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her and hopefully determine what the problem is.

The following day, the wife goes to the doctor's office. The doctor asks her what's wrong, why doesn't she want to have sex with her husband?

"Oh, that's easily explained. For the past six months," the wife says, "I've been taking a cab to work every morning. I don't have any money. The cab driver asks me, 'Are you going to pay today, or what?' So, I take an 'or what'."

"Then, when I get to work," she continues, "I'm late, so the boss asks me, 'Are we going to write this down in the book, or what?' So, I take an 'or what'.

I take a cab to go home after work and, as usual, I have no money. The cab driver asks me again, 'So, are you going to pay this time, or what?' Again, I take an 'or what'.

So you see, doc, by the time I get home I'm all tired out and don't want it anymore."

"Yes, I see," replies the doctor. "So, are we going to tell your husband, or what?"
Really Ugly Baby

A woman holding a baby gets on a bus. The bus driver looks at them and says, "Damn, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!" In a huff the woman slams her money into the farebox and goes to the rear of the bus.

The biker seated next to her sees she's agitated and asks what's wrong. "The bus driver insulted me!" she fumes.

"HEY! That's freakin' outrageous!" says the biker. "He's a public servant and shouldn't be insulting passengers, want me to go dot his eye for ya'?"

"No thank you, and you're right!" the woman says. "I think I'll go up there and give him a piece of my mind!"

"That's a good idea lady," says the biker. "I'll hold your monkey."

# Dave's Birthday

A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

"Oh, no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.

The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."

# Peanuts for the Driver

A tour bus driver with a bus full of seniors drives down a highway, when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.

After approx.15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about eight times.

At the ninth time he asks the little old lady why they do not eat the peanuts themselves, whereupon she replies that it is not possible because of their old teeth, they are not able to chew them.

"Why do you buy them then?" he asks puzzled.

Whereupon the old lady answers, 'We just love the chocolate around them

# Blonde Math

One day, a brunette was skipping on some train tracks singing "21, 21, 21, 21,...''''

Along came a blonde who thought it looked like fun. So she joined in and started singing "21, 21, 21, 21," and then a train came.

The brunette jumped off the tracks but the train ran over the blonde.

The brunette got back on the train tracks and started singing "22, 22, 22, 22,..."

# I'm a Little Nervous *

A young sailor on liberty in a strange city. He hails down a cab and asks the cabbie to take him to a Brothel. On the way there the sailor confides in the cabbie that he has never done this before and is a little nervous about going to a brothel.

"Nothing to it." says the cabbie, it's a lot like bungie jumping.

"How is that?" Asks the young sailor.

"Well," says the cabbie, "it's expensive, it's very quick, it's very exciting, and if the rubber breaks, you're dead."

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Not Up to the Task

A midget is out of town on business and wants some female companionship, so he hails down a cab outside his hotel and asks the driver to take him to a brothel. As they get to the part of town where the brothel is located, the midget is noticing some pretty rough looking characters hanging around the brothel. Since the cabbie is a pretty good sized fellow, the midget asks him if he will look after him and be available to give him a ride back to the hotel for an additional twenty bucks. Since it is a slow night for the cabbie, he agrees.

After the midget picks out a girl and goes into the room, the cabbie sits in a chair outside the room to make sure nobody rolls his fare. Once the door closes, the cabbie hears starnge noises through the door, "I can't do it, I can't do it, I CAN'T DO IT!"

On the ride back to the hotel, the cabbie says: "How did it go?"

"It was embarrassing, says the midget, "I simply couldn''t do it."

The cabbie shook his head. "Manhood problems, eh?"

"No not that, says the midget, "I just couldnt get up on the bed!"

# Dead Pussy *

An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, I have a dead pussy.

The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, "Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common.

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_
Terry's Joke Collection

**Volume I - Animal to Bar Jokes**

Chapter 1 - Animal Jokes

Chapter 2 - Aviation Jokes

Chapter 3 - Bar & Pub Jokes

**Volume II - Barber to Domestic Staff Jokes**

Chapter 1 - Barber & Beautician Jokes

Chapter 2 - Bedside Jokes

Chapter 3 - Blind & Deaf Jokes

Chapter 4 - Blonde Jokes

Chapter 5 - Cafe & Restaurant Jokes

Chapter 6 - Cannibal & Jungle Jokes

Chapter 7 - College & University Jokes

Chapter 8 - Cowboy & Indian Jokes

Chapter 9 - Dentist & Optometrist Jokes

Chapter 10 - Domestic Staff Jokes.

**Volume III - Drugstore to Genie Jokes**

Chapter 1 - Drugstore & Pharmacy Jokes

Chapter 2 - Engineer & Programmer Jokes

Chapter 3 - Farm & Rural Jokes

Chapter 4 - Fireman & Paramedic Jokes

Chapter 5 - Fishing & Camping Jokes

Chapter 6 - Funeral & Cemetery Jokes

Chapter 7 - Garden of Eden Jokes

Chapter 8 - Gay & Lesbian Jokes

Chapter 9 - Genie & Magic Jokes

**Volume IV - Golfing to Kid Jokes**

Chapter 1 - Golfing Jokes

Chapter 2 - Heaven & Hell Jokes

Chapter 3 - Hobo & Drunk Jokes

Chapter 4 - Hooker & Stripper Jokes

Chapter 5 - Hotel & Motel Jokes

Chapter 6 - Hunting & Trapping Jokes

Chapter 7 - Kid & School Jokes

**Volume V - Lawyer to Medical Jokes**

Chapter 1 - Lawyer & Courtroom Jokes

Chapter 2 - Marriage & Relationship Jokes

Chapter 3 - Medical & Hospital Jokes

**Volume VI - Military to Newlywed Jokes**

Chapter 1 - Military & Nautical Jokes

Chapter 2 - Miscellaneous Jokes

Chapter 3 - Motorcycle & Biker Jokes

Chapter 4 - Nationality & Ethnic Jokes

Chapter 5 - Newlywed Jokes

**Volume VII - Nurse to Redneck Jokes**

Chapter 1 - Nurse & Receptionist Jokes

Chapter 2 - Parent & In-Law Jokes

Chapter 3 - Poker & Gambling Jokes

Chapter 4 - Police & Prison Jokes

Chapter 5 - Political Jokes

Chapter 6 - Psychiatrist & Asylum Jokes

Chapter 7 - Redneck & Hillbilly Jokes

**Volume VIII - Religion to Senior Citizen Jokes**

Chapter 1 - Religion & Clergy Jokes

Chapter 2 - Robot, Alien & Space Jokes

Chapter 3 - Sales & Office Jokes

Chapter 4 - Senior Citizen Jokes

**Volume IX - Sports to Train Jokes**

Chapter 1 - Sports & Recreation Jokes

Chapter 2 - Substitute Jokes

Chapter 3 - Supermarket Jokes

Chapter 4 - Teen & High School Jokes

Chapter 5 - Train, Bus & Taxi Jokes 
