The Hushed Struggle

of christian women and sinful sexual struggles

By Lyn Mosiani

Copyright 2018 Lynn Jaguar

Thank you for downloading this ebook. No part of this book may be reproduced, copied or distributed for commercial purposes. Thank you for your support.

# Introduction

We've all heard about addiction, especially drug addiction and alcoholism. We understand addiction to mean 'being so hooked on something that you can't do without it, and that you simply can't walk away from it without adverse withdrawal consequences.

Maybe the word addiction is an unnecessarily strong word to use. Because in the medical world, addiction is considered a disease, and in the society, an addict is viewed as a hopeless person bound to self-destruction. In Christianity, addiction is seen as bondage – and rightly so. Many seasoned Christians wonder how anyone in Christ can be in bondage. It is argued that you either have the Holy Spirit or an evil spirit residing in you, but both cannot abide in the same space. So, addiction, or bondage, is dismissed simply as sin.

Whether you consider it sin or not, one thing is true – that Christians too, like everyone else, are caught up in shameful habits from which they struggle to break free. Christians too have addictions – or more spiritually speaking, habitual sins. Either way, there are many Christians out there living in bondage, suffering in silence because, 'how can a Christian be bound?'

Addiction is not like other random sins that we all commit from time to time (Let us not deceive ourselves that we have not sinned – 1 John 1:8). With addiction, we sin, feel guilty, repent, and then sin again. This vicious cycle goes on and on until we start to wonder if there's any use of repenting or trying to stop.

Now, there's one particular addiction that has risen sharply over the current times – sex addiction in its many forms. This is not only out there in the world, but right inside the church as well. It is affecting the old and the young alike, men and women, the agnostics and the religious. Research shows that at least 1 in every 10 Christians struggles with one form or sex addiction or another.

Sex addiction differs from other addictions in that 1: unlike most other addictions, there are no tell-tale signs of identifying a sex addict, 2: it carries with it an added dose of shame – because sexuality is a private, personal thing for the most part, and 3: it is considered to be more of a moral issue than a mental illness.

Sex addiction resembles other addictions because it affects the people around you, notably spouses and partners, and can go to an extent of affecting one's social and work life. Sex addiction also poses a danger to the addict's safety and health.

The steady rise in sex addiction is largely because access to sex has become a lot easier. And with sex as one of the many ways of escaping from stress, addiction is well within reach. Gone are those days when one was expected to wait until marriage to enjoy sexual pleasure. Pre-and extramarital sex still happened, but they were socially condemned and heavily frowned upon. Those who indulged in such immoral conduct did so with great caution, risking extreme social shame and adverse consequences especially with outcomes such as pregnancy.

What would previously have been referred to as promiscuity is now lightly known as casual sex, and doesn't carry with it as much disgrace as it once did. The social and cultural elements that set the boundaries of what was ethical are no longer relevant. The individual is master of her own life, her decisions and her sexuality. Those who choose to wait until marriage for sexual intimacy are often presumed as idiots or fanatics, and married people are no longer obligated to hide their wedding rings to have outside encounters. Sex outside of marriage has become so prevalent it's almost fully accepted as a normal way of life in most civilized societies.

We no longer have to go to a specific shop to get pornographic materials. It's on the internet and we don't have to pay for it unless we want to. The Internet is on our phones; porn is just a click away. The boundaries have not only been moved, they've been destroyed and the demons roam free. People everywhere are falling prey to sexual bondage at an alarming rate.

Yet, not many are willing to talk about it because first, it's a well-hidden habit; and second, people are afraid of being judged and condemned by others. And even where sex addiction is addressed, it largely targets men because male sexuality is more widely understood and accepted.

For most cultures and religions, female sexuality existed solely for the purposes of procreation and pleasing husbands, not for personal pleasure. It was not perceivable for a woman to desire or enjoy sexual pleasure. This has, of course, changed significantly over the years, yet a woman's desire for sexual satisfaction is still an awkward subject, and more so in church.

So, women and sex addiction is not a popular subject, and Christian women and sex addiction is even rarer. I've written this book because as a woman who has struggled with one form of sex addiction, this subject is particularly close to my heart.

This book is about the Christian woman who silently struggles with sinful sexual habits and feels that it's the one thing, the one sin that condemns her. I want you to know that you are not alone and that you are not abnormal. I also want you to know that there's a way out.

In this book, I delve deeper than the surface of the sinful habit. I ignore the presumptions and ignorance about female sexuality. I seek to draw the line between lust and addiction, between sexual appetite and impulsive sexual habits. I seek to know why it's a sex-related addiction and not any other addiction. I also seek out that elusive path to recovery.

#  PART ONE: MY STORY

When I was six years old, I got sexually molested. I was walking home from school when this must-have-been 20-something-year-old man lured me into a maize plantation. He said he was going to give me candy and told me to take my clothes off. No one had told me that it was wrong, and I was too young and innocent to know that it was.

He tried penetration but I told him it was too painful, so he flipped me over and did his action between my butt cheeks. Then he let me go. I don't remember whether he gave me the candy or not after that. I went home and never said a word to anyone, because I wasn't so sure what had just happened, and I didn't know how or who to tell. But something at the back of my young mind told me that what had just happened wasn't right.

About a week or so later, I was coming home from school when I found him waiting for me near the same spot. I knew what he wanted and this time I wasn't going to entertain it. I ran, but of course, he caught up with me and pulled me into a bush. He had a whip and told me he'd beat me up if I didn't concede. So I let him molest me again. This time I went home crying. On my way, I met a stranger and asked him to tell my molester (who I could still see walking away at a distance) that I would tell on him. I never told the man what the issue was, and I also never told anyone else. That was way back in 1984 when there wasn't so much awareness on child molestation.

I never saw my molester again, but that experience opened a door of sexual curiosity in my life that I never knew existed. Now, I shared a bed with our house help, and in the weeks and months that followed, I would wake up on some nights and run my hands through her buttocks. I don't know whether or not she used to be asleep, but if she never was, she never said anything about it.

A few years later, I introduced this 'curiosity' to my brother who was four years my junior. We never 'did it' as such but we would occasionally feel each other up. Then later my parents hired a male house help who found two willing and eager children to 'play with'. We never had actual sex, just a lot of touching and rubbing. My brother eventually reported him to my mum and he was fired. Nothing further was done to him.

In the years that followed, still as young as I was, I started touching myself 'down there' and stumbled upon the pleasure of sexual stimulation. But it was not until I was 12 when I accidentally slipped down my chair in school and my underwear tightly pulled my clitoris that I think I got my first mini-orgasm. From then on, I started looking for ways to achieve that orgasm easily. Rubbing myself was great, but it's never brought me to that point.

I eventually discovered that crossing and rubbing my thighs against each other took me 'there'. Something that I continued to do for years. In those early days and throughout high school, it was never a problem, and definitely never an addiction. I would probably do it once every few or several months.

I dedicated my life to Christ in my third year of high school. Being from a Catholic background and not having any mentor or confidant, not much changed in my life. It was only after high school when I started trying to 'be righteous', or trying to 'live right' that masturbation became a problem. It seemed that when I tried to stop because I felt it wasn't right for a Christian to masturbate, that it was when it became a dilemma.

Why was it so hard to quit? At that time, I thought that masturbation was simply a pleasurable activity which I happily indulged in every once in a while. It never occurred to me that it was one of the few sources of excitement in my life. It alleviated boredom and made life more interesting. So, an attempt to stop masturbation was an attempt to take away a major (didn't look like so at the time) source of comfort and satisfaction from my life. And the more I tried to stop, the more desperate I became, which made me turn all the more to masturbation to relieve the pressure which resulted from trying to stop. Makes sense?

I did have a boyfriend, but I never slept with him. First, because my mum had discouraged me from sex at a young age, and told me of the repercussions of sex outside marriage. Second, I went to a church-based high school and again sex outside marriage was seen as an evil. Third, I was very preserved and very timid. I lived most of my life in my head, and was alright with it, although I had a lot of unresolved issues.

If only someone had told me that sexual purity involved so much more than the actual act itself. But then again, given that a selfish man had shoved me through the door to sexuality at such a tender age, did I have a choice? When I was old enough to know that I had a choice, and was actually trying to establish that choice, I discovered that it was not as easy as just saying no and looking the other way.

I also had issues with my dad. He was not a good man. He never sexually abused me, thank God, but he was not the ideal dad – not even close. I've struggled a lot with my being a woman and with my relationships with men. As I'm writing this now, I've never had a serious relationship with a man for more than two months, and I'm still a virgin (physically at least). Sad.

Anyway, I realized that masturbation was not just a hobby but a real problem. Something I might have never know if I had never tried to stop. Before this, it had taken such a hold on me that I would spend hours in bed rubbing and feeling myself, and whenever I would come close to climax, I would stop and let the stimulation die down, and then I would start again. I delayed climax so I could enjoy the journey, I did this until I was tired and ready to stop, then I would allow myself to climax and call it a day.

Sometimes the urge to masturbate was so strong that I would be forced to strip naked and do it after I'd dressed up to go to college or somewhere else. It had such a power over me that whenever it stirred, I had to attend to it. Other times I would be watching TV with my family and when the urge came, I'd excuse myself and lock myself up in the bedroom for about 10 or so minutes, and engage my compulsion. I never minded the inconvenience at all because sex, in whichever form, is always pleasurable. Or so I've heard.

I never needed outside help (as much as I did much later) to become aroused. I don't know whether it's because I was young, or because it was so much on my mind, but things like seeing myself naked in the mirror would instantly turn me on. Sitting with my legs crossed could send a strong sensation across my body, giving me the urge. My panty rubbing against me in the slightest way down there almost always sparked me.

Whenever I needed a little bit of encouragement to get aroused, all I had to do was read steamy scenes in romance novels. Most of them were subtle, but they were enough to get me going. A few years later a cousin invited me to his house to watch porn, and it was by far the most explosive sexual sensation I'd ever experienced. I masturbated to those images and sounds for the next few months so much so that my legs felt numb at one point. And don't forget all this time I'm still in the process of trying to stop. Yeah.

Thank God I didn't have much access to porn. Access to the internet was greatly limited (at least where I lived) and I'm pretty sure there wasn't a lot of free porn back then. You had to go to a movie rental shop and ask if they have any such thing. Something that I, being a woman and being painfully shy, would never dare to do. I just had to rent a normal movie and hope that it had a few hot scenes, which of course, was enough for me back then. But unfortunately, most movies coming into to my country were almost always censored.

After a few years of struggling with compulsive masturbation and guilt and shame, I reached a point where I was somehow able to 'control' the urge to masturbate. Not strongly, but at least I would wait until an appropriate time and place to do it. There were a few exceptions, of course, I recall one time where I locked myself in my workplace bathroom, lied down on the floor (eek) and masturbated. Remember that rubbing myself was not enough to get me there, I had to rub my thighs systematically for a while to achieve climax, and I had to be in a comfortable position to do that.

##

### Effects of Masturbation in My Christian Journey

I can honestly say that I haven't had the steepest, straightest line in my Christian growth graph. My biggest or lamest excuse is that I never had a mentor and that my lukewarm-ish catholic background never added any fuel to the fire. But I can firmly say that I did, and I still do consider myself a Christian. They've always been evidence of God working in my life. But this ONE THING, this masturbation thing man, it was just such a snare.

When I started pursuing a deeper relationship with God, masturbation seized to be solely a source of comfort and pleasure, but became a snare and caused a rift in my Christian walk. That, however, never stopped me from indulging. Immediately after the good feeling, the shame would sweep in and sit deep. I would feel dirty and unworthy and embarrassed before God. I would wait for hours for the guilt feelings to subside, and then I would repent earnestly, with a high level of remorse. And I would get my reprieve. And the next day I would be back at it again. Other days the guilt would be too overwhelming, other days I would make excuses as to why I masturbated. I would say that was my outlet to sexual desire, I would say that I wasn't harming anyone by doing it, and my favorite would be that masturbation is not explicitly mentioned anywhere in the bible.

I wanted help, but I didn't know who around me I could trust. The thought of sharing my predicament with anyone, face to face, was itself unfathomable. I wrote to a few Christian pastors overseas concerning my issue but I never got any replies. Sometimes I felt like cutting off my clitoris because as Jesus taught in Matthew 5:30, that it's better to miss one part of your body that causes you to sin than to be whole and not enter heaven! I was desperate.

One day I finally met someone whom I thought I could tell my issues. My mom had invited me to some lunch hour prayer meetings which were held daily at her workplace. After attending a few times, I grew to like/trust the pastor who was running the ministry. One day after the meetings, I approached him and told him I had an issue which I was struggling with. I couldn't bring myself to say the word – sexuality in Africa is not an easy thing to talk about, let alone sinful sexual habits. He went ahead and named a few sinful habits that people find hard to talk about and luckily, masturbation was one of them. So I confessed. He must have been so amused that a young woman was going through such a touchy subject that he must have become over-excited. He prayed for me, yes, but I could tell he wanted to hear more, not so that he could pray but because he was curious. That was the last he saw of me.

The second person I later confessed to was my very own pastor at the time. He was older and supposedly wiser. But unfortunately, he was just as amused as the previous pastor. He went ahead and spread the tale to a few of his 'advisors', which I came to find out about afterward. But luckily by that time I'd already moved out of town and had left his church. I decided that was the last 'man of God' I'd ever tell my struggles. I would not rely on any other person to help me out of the situation. Whether by prayer or by counsel. I would seek my own way out.

The struggle continued. I remember a season when I was overwhelmed with guilt each time we had to take communion in church. I wanted to share in the Lord's Table, but I didn't want to drink condemnation to myself (1 Cor. 11:23-32). So, I'd repent again – I would actually try to avoid masturbating a few days before the scheduled communion day so that I wouldn't have too much guilt on the day. I wanted to be right with God, I really did, but this one thing would always be in my way.

I can honestly say that my addiction to masturbation caused me to understand what others who struggle with one form of addiction or another go through. I understand that it's not about willpower or resolve, I'd had those and they'd failed me. I also have deep sympathy for the Christians who struggle with sinful habits because I know that many people genuinely want to break free, but they lack the power do so.

Then there's the judgment. A lot of Christians suffer alone because they don't know who to trust. We Christians are very good at pointing fingers. We often think we're better than others because we don't do the bad they do, or because we do the good they don't do. We are quick to excuse our sin because even if we may not have obvious struggles, we're still imperfect, yet we're quick to condemn others.

Then there's the shame. Sexual sins are easy to hide because there are no obvious outer signs. One has to confess to you that they're having issues in that area. Masturbation is even more secret because it involves only the individual. Bad sexual habits can cause great shame and significantly lower someone's self-esteem, and that information getting into the wrong hands can be a source of great distress.

With women, it gets so much worse. While men's need and desire for sex is widely accepted and freely discussed (in some cultures more than others), women's need and desire of the same is generally overlooked. Women find it embarrassing to speak of their sexual drive, even with other women because it is perceived as wrong or abnormal. A woman who feels free with her sexuality or her desire for it is considered 'loose' or immoral. Most cultures and religions don't acknowledge or celebrate or encourage women's sexuality, others deny that there's such a thing. Others go to the extent of ensuring that their women have no sexual desire by mutilating their clitoris.

Again, women's sexual organs exist only to satisfy men and to produce children. In the Swahili culture, up till today, a young girl about to get married is normally coached on how to sexually please her man. No such coaching is done to the men, most men in most cultures don't know what a clitoris is or where it is or what it does. They assume that because for them the simple act of penetrating and thrusting brings them to climax, the same must also be what pleases a woman.

If the legitimate sexuality of a woman is denied, how much more is her illegitimate sexual addiction? Thank God for the internet, because we can blog about it and we can write ebooks about it and we can know that we are not alone. Does that make it okay because we're a number of us? No. But it makes it easier to face our struggles and to look for hope.

This book is not about condemnation, but it's also not about making excuses. It's about finding a clearing in the forest of helplessness and trying to retrace our way back to freedom. Despite the studies that have been done to encourage masturbation and say that it's alright, our conscience always tells us otherwise. I didn't want to be told that masturbation was okay, that it wasn't sin, but I also didn't want to be condemned either. I didn't want to be told that it was okay to do it because my spirit told me otherwise, but I didn't want to be told that it wasn't okay because it's what I did.

### Victory

From the time that I was around 12 to the time I was 33, masturbation was part of my life. Up until I was 20, it wasn't really an issue, just a pleasurable, occasional go-to habit. But for the 13 years that followed, I can honestly say it was an addiction. It was an intimate dance of indulgence and guilt. Sometimes I'd masturbate a few times each day, sometimes I'd go for weeks without the urge. Sometimes it was out of compulsion, sometimes it was out of choice. Sometimes the guilt was overwhelming, sometimes it was manageable.

As I've said before, my Christian walk hasn't been on a consistent diagonal rise, but more of a zigzagged path with high and low seasons. My faith in Christ is intact, but they've been times when other things such as entertainment, work, and company have overshadowed it. I don't know of any Christian who can honestly say that their journey has always been a consistent progress without any interruptions.

In 2010, when I worked in a high-demanding, exhausting bank job, I started to question my salvation. For a few years, my Christian walk had slowed down significantly, almost coming to a standstill. Except for going to church on Sundays, there was not much else to fuel my faith. I started to become afraid that I had become lukewarm and Jesus was about to spit me out (Quote). I remember aching for more intimacy and purposeful relationship with God but I didn't know how or where I would get it. Reading the Bible by itself was a bit of a headache, so I bought a few Christian books in hope that they would reignite my passion for God.

After saving up a good amount of money, I decided to quit my job in 2011. I can say for sure that handing out my resignation felt like walking out of prison. Anyway, from around October 2011, I embarked on a journey to read the Bible starting from Genesis. Each weekday I would spend about 3 or 4 hours just reading scripture, and in 6 or so months, I had read through the entire Bible. An achievement that I was so proud of.

But in the process of dedicating my time to read the word of God.  A few things about me changed. The amount of time spent on entertainment greatly reduced. I matured a lot – spiritually and emotionally – I stopped fussing about every little thing and became a lot more tolerant of people. But above all, I stopped masturbating. The bond that kept me hooked was destroyed.

Looking back, I can say that it wasn't resolve or willpower or decision. It was only grace. There must be some miraculous power in the word of God when you read it for yourself. It cleanses our souls in ways that nothing else can. It offers a glimpse into the mind of God, it alters your mindset. Prayer is good, but without knowing God through His word, we only pray presumptuously. Relying solely on what the preachers tell us about God is also not enough, we need to know Him for ourselves – through His word. 

# PART TWO: HABIT OR ADDICTION?

It is a lot easier for people to acknowledge that they occasionally indulge in one or other kind of sinful sexual habit than for them to admit that they are sex addicts. One reason for this is because addiction is defined as the inability to control one's behavior, and sex addiction is generally thought to be a compulsive, obsessive, constant engaging in sex. So, for someone who, say, masturbates once every few days, watches porn once a week, or picks up a random sex partner once a month, will not automatically think of themselves as sex addicts.

Where do we draw the line between an immoral habit and an addiction? A habit, by itself, is a repetitive action that can be discarded with some willpower and behavioral modification. An addiction, on the other hand, is a habitual action that one engages in, for temporary relief (often to counter a negative state of mind such as boredom, depression, and discouragement). When you recurrently engage in an activity while disregarding obvious emotional, physical and spiritual risks that the action poses, then you are an addict. Another major pointer to addiction is the repetitive yet unsuccessful attempts to stop the behavior. Both addiction and habit emanate from frequently repeated behaviors.

You may not know that your habit has become an addiction until you realize that stopping is not as automatic as starting. In the initial stages, stopping a habit is as easy as saying no and not doing it again. It's a simple choice. As you continue to engage in the habit, especially as a way to cope with stress, stopping becomes more and more of an effort. By the times it becomes a full-blown addiction, you may need extra help to quit, and may also have to endure unpleasant withdrawal symptoms such as irritability and depression.

Sex addiction begins as a habit that eventually results in the inability to control one's sexual behavior. It is characterized by compulsive sexual thoughts and actions. Many people with sex addiction believe that they can simply stop when they want to, without realizing that like all other addictions, stopping is not simply about making the choice. Whether you confess to yourself that you're indeed a sex addict, or still insist that it's just a habit that you are yet to master, we're all in the same boat. I'll interchangeably use the term addiction and habit from this point to cater for both audiences. And please also note that I'm referring to the habit in the negative because I'm speaking from a Christian perspective.

When left unchecked, unethical sexual acts often progress to a point where the addict must intensify their behavior to obtain the same outcome. For instance, they may start incorporating porn into their masturbation, or the other way around. In the long run, the acceleration of these behaviors can lead to illicit, and even criminal behaviors such as child molestation and rape. However, not all improper sexual habits lead to addiction, not all sex addicts become sex offenders, and not all sex offenders are sex addicts.

Most of us Christians are often reluctant to admit to sex addiction because, by virtue of constantly fighting the desire to indulge, and curtailed by guilt and conviction, our actions do not usually progress beyond a certain point. This leads us to believe that our behavior is under control – that we only do what we do because we want to, not because we're compelled to – although our attempts to quit remain unsuccessful.

Some of the most common forms of negative sexual habits include;

Masturbation: This involves the rubbing of one's genital to achieve sexual pleasure. It is estimated that about 85 to 95 percent of all people, both male, and female, masturbate. Masturbation relieves sexual tension in people who are either single or those whose partners are not available, and it is also considered a safe sexual practice for those wanting to avoid pregnancy and STIs. In the secular world, masturbation is only considered a problem when it stands in the way of normal sex with a partner, or when it interferes with everyday life and activities.

**Pornography** :This is the printed or visual depiction of sexual organs or activity with the intention to sexually arouse. The effects of porn are a divisive subject with some arguing that it corrupts the mind and wrecks intimate relationships while others saying it spices up a couple's sex life, boosts sexual skills and sexual understanding. Porn is a widespread and steadily growing issue thanks to today's easy access to explicit contents.

**Prostitution:** This is when a person engages in sex, not so much for compensation, but for the power they feel when they charge someone for sex. However, not all people involved in prostitution are addicts. Some people are involved in prostitution out of no choice due to i.e. trafficking, poverty and such. But there are those very few people who get involved in prostitution and escort services for the supposed power it gives them. They are willing to put their safety and health at risk in exchange of the false sense of 'being needed' or having something that someone wants. For others, it's not the psychological delusion but the monetary reward. Study shows that quite a number of sex workers are well-educated and some have even had other occupations such as social work and office jobs. This, all the same, is the exception rather the rule. For most sex workers, including those who choose it, the loses are stellar compared to the gains.

And then they're those who are addicted to the prostitutes. Prostitution has never been a laudable affair. Whether to the one who practices it or to the one who uses the services. Most people who have or who visit prostitutes like to keep it a secret. The rush one gets from knowing something that others don't know can work as a deflection from other problematic life's issues, hence, becoming potentially addictive.

For others, it's the shame of using prostitution services that keeps them going back. Shame is an intense feeling that addicts can use to counter other negative feelings in their lives. For others still, it's the perceived wrongness of prostitution that hooks them. The feeling of rebelling from the moral code gives them their desired fix.

**Fantasy:** This habit includes a preoccupation with sexual thoughts and imaginations. Often, sexual-related fantasies are accompanied by other habits such as masturbation.

**Promiscuity:** This includes having frequent casual sex relations with multiple partners. Society rarely regards men as promiscuous because a man's sexual appetite is accepted and expected. This, however, doesn't validate the behavior – especially when it comes to Christianity. Promiscuous people are at a greater risk of unwanted pregnancies, contracting Sexually Transmitted Infections (STI's), and depression.

**Voyeurism:** This involves a habit of spying on people when they're naked, dressing or undressing, bathing, or having sex. Voyeurism goes beyond natural curiosity about nakedness and sex. A person with this habit (also referred to as a peeping tom), goes to extra lengths to achieve his/her goal at the risk of getting caught, and will usually masturbate as they watch their victim.

Other obsessive sexual behaviors include sadistic behavior where an individual derives sexual arousal from the humiliation, pain, or suffering of others; public exposure/exhibitionism, where a person gets excitement from flushing their genitals to people in public; and frotteuristic which involves touching or rubbing one's genitals against someone else without their consent. People with this behavior love crowded places such as subways and public concerts.

Sex addiction follows similar patterns of compulsive behavior as other types of addictions. The need to indulge is so strong that one feels out of control or powerless unless they are gratified. Other times addicts do what they do because it has become their 'go to' thing at the end of an exhaustive, boring or engaging day. In this case, the addiction may not be so severe, but it's still an addiction because they cannot simply stop or change their habit by choice. It is something that they cannot subconsciously live without.

The easy access to sex sources in society such as free internet porn, escort services and willing and easily available sex partners has greatly increased the number of people involved in inappropriate sexual habits. And because sex in itself is necessary for the survival of the human race, and sexual desire is a natural human trait, sex addiction can originate from simple curiosity or a legitimate need for gratification. The satisfaction that comes from the sexual pleasure can then become an obsession, which can consequently result in the habitual pursuit of that gratification. When one is no longer able to control their desire and pursuit of sex, they have become a sex addict.

There's a difference between people who have a high sex drive and crave lots of sex and those who are addicted to sex. Something else beyond natural sexual desire leads individuals to become addicts. Some experts say that sex addiction may not even be about sex at all, the same way that an eating disorder is not about food and gambling is not about money.

Again, sex addiction is regarded more as a moral failure than a mental disorder, but it doesn't make it any less of a real issue, more so for those struggling to quit. It unfortunately only becomes identified as a problem when the compulsive habit interferes with one's well-being, one's relationships, or puts others at risk.

But what about those of us who live ordinary lives yet desire to overcome our habits without success? Sure, we may not fail to go to work to stay home and watch porn all day, we may not deny our partners sex because 'we are saving ourselves' for our dildo, and we may not be putting others at risk by our habit, but our inability to say no to this one thing makes us feel powerless. What about us?

What about the Christian who feels that her habit gets in the way of her relationship with God? The Christian who worries that her back and forth journey between indulgence and guilt is becoming shorter and that she'll soon run out of grace. What about the Christian woman whose dirty little secret has largely been overlooked?

Getting proper help when your actions are not considered a problem compared to those whose improper habits put them and others at risk or lowers the quality of their lives and relationships is elusive. People will assume that 'all you have to do is stop', or find an alternative 'healthier' thing to do. Others will tell you to change your routine or preoccupy your mind with other thoughts and that in time you'll learn to master your habit. But most likely, you've gone down that road before, you can spell all the street names and addresses backward! You've even managed to stop – again and again.

Sex addicts often do not realize that they have a problem, and those who do try to justify their habits and thoughts by reasoning out that sexual desire is normal.

### Addiction or Possession

While simple Christianity ignores the chemical aspect of addiction and compulsive habits, the secular world ignores the spiritual aspect of it. On the one hand, the spiritual often always manifests in the physical. So, if we fight the problem only in the physical realm, we will hardly ever win. On the other hand, the problem might be only physical, so a physical solution is enough. But then again, the devil never takes a day off, he roams around looking for whom he can devour (1 Peter 5:8). He can take advantage of an already existing physical problem and make it spiritual, hence, what started as a human weakness becomes a spiritual battle.

Christians cannot be possessed by demons, I don't believe. Maybe in a nominal environment, demons may find room to operate – to influence and to oppress. They may not reside in you but they can be on your case, attracting all sorts of challenges. This is what happened to Job in the Old Testament. Poor fellow was just being a good law-keeper but the devil wasn't happy that God was proud of him. He (the devil) asked God for permission to thrash Job. And the Lord happily agreed. Job ended up losing all his children, and all his property.

Job is a perfect example of bad things happening to good people. The devil wanted to test his faithfulness to God. He wanted to prove that Job was only good because God had given him everything. Why God allowed it? – I don't know. This means that bad things don't happen to us necessarily because we're bad people. But nothing can happen to us without God permitting it. It's a hard truth to accept because we want God to be faithful and to protect us and all that. God is sovereign. He does not always do what we want Him to do, and we cannot reduce Him to our limited perception of what we consider as good.

Another example of Satan's influence in our behavior is Peter in Luke 22:32. Jesus told him that the devil desired to have him and sift him like flour. Later, we see Peter denying Jesus three times. Peter was definitely not possessed by demons, but the demons took advantage of his human weakness and he ended up doing what he wouldn't otherwise have wanted to do.

Of course, we can't blame the devil for every failure and every wrong choice we make. We are fallen beings who are bound to make mistakes even without the devil's help. Paul wrote in (Romans 7:15-20) that the good he wants to do he doesn't do, but the bad he doesn't want to do is what he does. That said, however, the devil and his demons are always seeking to ensure, or to encourage us, to sin. They'll do all they can to come in between our relationship with God.

Because of the shame and guilt that follow inappropriate sexual habits in women, this specific area can become the devils' playground. As much as we do not want to click on that porn site, as much as we do not want to meet with that man, our low moments, coupled by the guarantee of ecstasy, cheered on by the demons on the sidelines, we end up doing what we don't want to do. And it can all happen in a matter of minutes.

We may not make sinful choices because we're possessed, but the devil can find a chink in our armor and use it to influence us to sin. He plays around with our feelings and our weaknesses, he knows our soft spots and just the right words to whisper in our ears. It's easier to agree with Satan when what he says makes sense – 'It's natural to desire sex, but because I don't have a spouse, or because my spouse doesn't satisfy me, then it's okay to masturbate to relieve the sexual tension.' He'll not use 'you' as much as he'll use 'I' to make it look like it's your own thoughts.

Whether or not demonic influence is directly or indirectly involved in our habits, and whether or not our indulgences are more complicated than mere choices, one thing is sure – that sinful behavior in a Christian – in a born-again Christian, is not because of demon possession. Man is fallen and can make wrong choices all by himself.

# PART THREE: HOW DID I GET HERE?

The reasons why people get caught up in immoral sexual practices are varied and complex. Experts disagree on the underlying causes of sex-related addictions and impulsive sexual habits. A lot of factors come to play, both biological and environmental, when we try to understand why for instance, certain people cannot control their porn-watching habit, but others who have the same access to porn, are not affected.

Sex addiction compares to other addictions in that it affects the part of the brain concerned with decision-making and compulsive behavior. An individual prone to impulsivity feels an inner urge to engage in the action even when the desire is not present. A sex addict finds herself consumed with sexual thoughts and/or is unable to stop herself from engaging in inappropriate sexual activities despite being aware of the consequences.

The more the individual continues to indulge in their habit, the more they feel that they must do it. They feel that they cannot live without it – that life would not be the same. Each sexual experience provides a sense of pleasure which the person continues to pursue. She may use that satisfaction to escape loneliness or unpleasant emotions or soothe negative memories of heartbreak, disappointments and painful experiences. Her actions are simply a way of self-medicating.

Being Christian does not shield us from the effects of living in a fallen world. Whether we are born and raised in strong Christian families, or we become Christians as adults, we all likely go through significant challenges and experiences that shape who we become. Often, when it comes to sinful habits, the church only concentrates on the spiritual and moral aspect and gives little face time to the several other factors that make people do what they do.

Addiction of any kind is an indication of an underlying problem – be it spiritual, psychological, physical or otherwise. It's easy to point at the addiction and call it sin – which it is, but it will many times not go away simply by prayer and repentance.

Many Christians addicts end up feeling unforgivable when they are unable to overcome their habits. They either remain in church and coast through their Christian journey or leave the church because they feel like 'sinners' who don't belong there.

I'm not dismissing the role of prayer and repentance in addiction and sinful habits – it, in fact, should be part of the journey to recovery, what I'm trying to do is to get to the bottom of this sinful habit thing, dissect it and understand what it is, where it comes from, and why it stubbornly stays, so that even as we pray against the forces of addiction, we will do so from a point of knowledge. We will be able to 'call out the name of the demon' as my pastor likes to say. A deeper insight into sex addiction also helps us understand ourselves a little better, and deal with the habit from a less presumptuous perspective.

Let's glimpse into some of the possible causes of impulsive sexual habits and addiction.

**Biochemical abnormality:** The structure and chemistry of the brain and genetic abnormalities can have a role to play in addictive behavior in people, as per research. We all have distinctive physiology and genetics, and our degree of enjoying certain activities vary widely.

A person who finds gratification in a specific substance or activity at a high degree and has a genetic or physiological defect is at a greater risk of developing an addiction of that substance or activity compared to someone who doesn't have a defect and whose enjoyment of the same thing is at a much lower level. For instance, a woman who finds a great deal of satisfaction from watching porn and is psychologically and/or genetically predisposed to compulsive behavior will most likely become addicted than say a woman who does not like porn as much and has no genetic or phycological issues.

**Medical conditions:** Conditions such as multiple sclerosis and dementia cause damage to certain parts of the brain, sometimes resulting in hypersexual activities in specific individuals. A Christian who suffers from such a condition with resulting effects and is not aware of it may dismiss herself as a sinner. Prayer may or may not accomplish much, but in this case, a medical solution should not be ignored. Now, I know that prayer in faith can accomplish much, but from experience, prayer is work – especially when you pray without knowledge. It's easier to call out a demon when you know its name.

**Hormones:** Androgens are the sex hormones present in both men and women, which control libido. An imbalance in these hormones can cause a person to lose control of their sexual urges and most likely become addicted to sex-related activities. Medication that reduces sexual urge, also known as anti-androgens, may sometimes be used to treat people with an obsessive sexual drive. We rarely ever think of having our hormone levels tested when we have a compulsive habit, and when we are Christian, and when the problem is sexual, then the possibility of hormonal testing is even rarer.

**Genetics:** Some studies claim a person can be born with a specific set of genes which make them naturally predisposed to sex addiction. For instance, if an individual has a hyper-functioning D4 gene, which is in control of the brain's reaction to the 'feel good' hormone dopamine, they may be prone to having a greater appetite for sex-related activities. This appetite can lead to addiction.

**Change in neural pathway:** Compulsive sexual activity can affect the complex brain wiring (neural pathway) prompting it to increase sexual pleasure, and thus making it difficult for the individual to stop because of the undesirable feeling that comes with attempting to abstain.

**Child sexual abuse:** Research signifies that childhood sexual abuse is much more likely to result in compulsive sexual behavior and/or sex addiction in adulthood than any other factor. Experiencing sexual trauma as a child damages one's sense of self and distorts the interpretation of the dynamics of healthy relationships.

Child sexual abuse exposes the victim to a complicated world of sexual curiosity in which they're too young to understand or interpret, leaving them feeling helpless. In an attempt to regain power, the victim sooner or later starts obsessively engaging in sexual habits to cope with the trauma and avoid further loss of power.

Sexual abuse, whether in children or adults, is one of the most traumatic experiences that anyone can ever go through. It can cripple one mentally, emotionally, spiritually and in some instances, physically, with its effects spreading over a lifetime. Most societies and courts are reluctant to acknowledge its seriousness, more so because it largely happens to women. The guardians of culture and religion, who are mostly men, are happy to maintain the status quo where women and girls remain at the mercy of men and are treated as such.

**Family dysfunction:** Family trauma in the early years of life is a primary source of many life's conflicts through to adulthood. So, sex addiction and impulsive sexual habits can trace their origin to painful and unresolved past experiences. However, not everyone who goes through a painful childhood develops an addiction in whichever form, although without healing, it curtails the mental and emotional freedom to enjoy a fulfilling life in most instances.

In other cases, the presence of family dysfunction combined with other traumatic experiences such as bullying and sexual molestation puts someone at a much greater risk of developing impulsive sexual habits. Early exposure to sexually explicit content such as porn can also contribute to negative sexual habits in future.

The dynamics of family dysfunction include: the loss of family, i.e. through death of one or both parents, separation of family members or abandonment; unpredictable family situations such parents or siblings with mental or emotional instability, a constant change of foster families and multiple parent remarriages; family situations where children are forced by circumstances to take on adult roles; physically, emotionally or sexually abusive family situations; and parents who deprive their children of emotional, physical and other essential needs.

Just as I can trace the origin of my sexual habits back to my childhood ordeal, many others, almost all other sex addicts can trace their habits back to a certain event or experience. There are those who manage to overcome their habits at certain points in their lives–they either grow out of it or overcome it in one way or other. For some, their deliverance comes with salvation. For others, it can be a lifetime struggle.

**Choice:** Because of the exhilaration that sexual gratification creates, some people intentionally give themselves over to the pursuit of sexual pleasure, sometimes engaging in risky experimentations. Part of this behavior is due to the greatly reduced societal accountability coupled with the over-glorification of sex in the media and the easy availability of sex.

In the modern society, most people over a certain age have only themselves to answer to. They are not worried as much about their parents, teachers, peers, or the larger society. So, it all comes down to how one has been brought up, their personal beliefs and their sense of responsibility.

These are just some of the most common factors that can make a person more predisposed to developing a sinful sexual habit. There are of course other lesser factors that contribute to sexual issues. If we've prayed and prayed and the problem persists, then we should consider approaching the challenge from a different perspective, even as we continue to pray.

So, before we dismiss ourselves or others as hopeless sinners, it's good to know that people don't just get into habits because they are bad people. Before we judge ourselves or others, it's good to know that a human being is a complex, yet delicate creature that is affected by the many aspects of this fallen world. Your experience may be worse than my experience, but my childhood may be more complex than your childhood. Your genetics may predispose you in a certain way that mine does not, but I may be more sexual than you are. In other words, you are not a better Christian than I am simply because I watch porn and you don't. And I am not a better Christian compared to you because I'm a virgin and you have 'been around.'

We are covered by the same grace, we have claim to the same righteousness – Christ. That may be a difficult concept to accept especially for the religious – for those bound by the do's and don'ts. But it's the sinners and the tax collectors and the ordinary folk that Jesus walked and performed miracles amongst, not the self-righteous Scribes and Pharisees who were focused on doing things right. It was to the Samaritan woman, the one with five husbands who He revealed Himself to, not the pastor's wife, you know, the one who does everything by the book.

What I'm I saying? Sin is bad and attracts all kinds of problems in our lives, yet, condemning ourselves and others does not make the problem go away. Our focus instead should be on healing. Even if we were to overcome the impulsive sexual habits, we still would not be perfect people. Others manage to overcome their sex addiction only to develop another addiction. We are fallen and we are broken, we are only saved by Grace, thank God.

# PART FOUR: WHAT'S THE WORST THAT CAN HAPPEN?

### **Social Implications**

We've seen that since time immemorial, in almost every society, women are at best discouraged from freely expressing/exploring their sexuality and sexual desires. Even in modern times, even though the leash has been loosened quite a bit, women are still expected to control and limit their sexual adventures.

We see parents, especially fathers, excited when they see their teenage sons start to explore their sexuality –  whether they're caught masturbating, reading dirty magazines, or ogling at women. Such curiosity is applauded, and at the least dismissed as natural and normal. But with girls, it's a whole different story. When a teenage girl is caught in the act of masturbation, watching porn or doing anything else that is sexual in nature, the situation is often more alarming than it is awkward. And, it elicits worry, panic and strong disapproval from a parent. This could fairly be because girls have more to lose than boys when it comes to early sex. They risk a loss in reputation which affects other aspects of their lives such as self-esteem and education; they risk being victimized; and they risk unwanted pregnancies.

When a young girl is caught in the act or suspected of having had sex with a boy, the boy is regarded a stud and becomes popular among his peers. But the poor girl, on the other hand, is considered a slut, labeled and ridiculed.

Adult women don't escape this attitude either. Any kind of sexual activity outside of a serious relationship for women comes with the risk of negative labeling and ridicule. Women in culturally-strict societies or strict religions, who are inclined to impulsive sexual behavior, are more likely to take on more private habits such as masturbation and porn to avoid the risk of being found out and ostracized.

When it comes to women in the church, the consequences can be more severe. Forget about forgiveness and admonishing a sister and all that, once word gets around that a woman is involved in sexual sin, she becomes the object of scorn. The church community judges her and she is regarded as depraved. People, who don't want to be associated with her, avoid as though she will corrupt them. The story behind her struggle is irrelevant and very few are willing to listen to her or offer her a hand of support. Whether or not she ever overcomes her addiction, the stigma remains and people continue to look at her with judgmental eyes.

### **Health Implications**

Women with compulsive sexual habits involving partners face a significant risk of unwanted pregnancies and/or abortion, and physical injuries such as anal and vaginal trauma. They are also exposed to violence, and like men, are at greater risk of contracting STI's – including HIV/AIDS. Studies show that about 45% of women with sex addictions contract a venereal disease and almost 70% have reported at least one unwanted pregnancy. Some studies show that having more sexual partners puts women at greater risk of cervical and oral cancer.

Impulsive sexual habits can also lead to serious psychological effects such as anxiety, depression, emotional distress and obsessive-compulsive behavior among others. When emotional health deteriorates and consequences are no longer threatening, then the more adventurous one becomes with sexuality, and the greater the risk they're willing to take. Eventually, dangerous behavior crosses over easily to other areas of life leading to more and more risk. In the end, the quantity and quality of life decrease.

### **Substance abuse**

There are studies that show a connection between impulsive sexual habits and substance use. This connection is mostly because substances can heighten the pleasure of sexual behavior, which in turn makes the sex addict also gullible to substance abuse. A drug like cocaine stirs up confidence, attentiveness, and feelings of well-being while reducing sexual inhibition.

A person using substances feels more desirable and has the courage and confidence to seek for sex partners. Substance use also affords the person the ability to cope with ridicule, negative attitudes, and low self-esteem. The result is a vicious cycle of substance abuse and sex.

### **Other consequences**

Depending on severity, sex addiction and compulsive sexual behavior can impair spousal, family and social relationships, as well as affect jobs and finances. One may find it hard to concentrate which can then adversely affect productivity, and consequently the quality of life.

### **Effects of pornography**

Pornography has become a worldwide plague, and though there are those who are quick to defend it, especially adult males, there's hardly anything laudable about it. Pornography has been proved to impair marriages, families, and it has even stolen the innocence of children.

Some people claim that on-screen sex is more exhilarating than real sex. Maybe that's why in the US alone, the adult entertainment industry generates approximately $10 billion a year. As at 2017, it is estimated that a new porn movie is made every 39 minutes, about USD 3000 is spent on porn every second, and that 12% of all content on the internet is pornographic. The morality of producing sexual desire has, however, drawn different opinions and arguments in varying levels of passion and intensity.

But, as Christians, is pornography okay? Harmless? Or even beneficial? When sections of the secular world defend porn as a freedom of expression, do we buy into the idea? Proverbs 14:12 says that 'There's a way that seems right to a man, but in the end, it leads to destruction.' It's one thing to be caught up in a habit and acknowledge its wrongfulness, but it's another thing to defend it and continue indulging without remorse. True transformation can only come from true repentance, and true repentance cannot happen without the acknowledgement of sin.

Some of the most common effects of habitually watching porn can include;

**Emotional bond:** if you watch porn frequently, you stand a high risk of creating an emotional bond with an unreal world. It becomes more and more difficult to form emotional attachments with real people and existing bonds start to loosen. Porn use has come up frequently in divorce hearings as a major contributor to marriage breakdown.

**Sexual intimacy:** Pornography is used as a substitute for the real thing. Whether masturbation is involved, the real desire for sexual gratification goes unfulfilled. Loss of interest in normal sex with a partner has also been widely reported. The habitual porn watcher eventually starts to feel that something's wrong with them and becomes emotionally empty and disconnected from people.

**Short-term high:** porn creates a temporary high, and like other short-term happiness-boosters, fades quickly and leaves you lonelier, empty and feeling less worthy. These negative 'withdrawal symptoms' makes you want more and more porn – creating a gateway to addiction. Eventually, because addiction affects the normal functioning of the brain, you may have to go through a challenging recovery process similar to that of substance addicts.

**Escalation:** watching porn may start as an innocent curiosity or as the desire for a 'quick fix'. But with repeated viewing, like other addictions, your brain starts to require 'more' to reach the same level of satisfaction. This then escalates to watching scenes you previously found repulsive. For instance, you may start with watching 'normal sex between couples' – nothing out of the ordinary, then you move to orgies and gay sex and to rape and to sex with animals and to violent sex. You will not know when your mind sinks to depravity and you may even go from simply watching porn to participating in indecent acts and sexual offenses.

### **Effects of masturbation**

Masturbation is one of the most unspoken words around, and in church, probably non-existent. Yet, it is one of the most common habits – maybe even more common than we imagine. Masturbation is said to have been around since the beginning of time.

Everyone has touched themselves down there at some point in their lives, and that's normal. The frequency varies widely from those who've done it a few times in their lives to those who do it tens of times a day. For some of us Christians, we lie to ourselves that masturbation is not mentioned in the Bible, yet we still struggle with guilt and shame because below the surface, we feel that 'something about this isn't right.'

It is argued that masturbation has both positive and negative effects, but from a Christian perspective, its positivity is highly contestable. Not many Christians are willing to openly confess to masturbation – first because sexual matters are deeply personal issues that most people would rather avoid talking about and hearing about. And it being outside the realms of acceptable sexuality (which is between married heterosexual couples), no one wants to quickly admit to it. Second, masturbation has been perceived as being more perverse than say, adultery or fornication. The notion is that someone who has sex with themselves must be a kind of a retard, abnormal or simply a loser. Studies also reveal that individuals who masturbate frequently start to fear that something is wrong with them after a while.

For those who compulsively masturbate, it's almost always accompanied by sexual thoughts. The more frequently you do it, the more 'encouragement' you need to start off, and the more the sexual thoughts get naughtier. Down that road, the fantasies become less effective – and enter pornography. At first, a racy magazine photo here and there is enough to get you going, but the brain starts to demand 'more' and you find yourself tumbling further down the dark pit.

It doesn't matter what experts say about the benefits of masturbation, the fact is that when we (as Christians), sit and truly ponder, something tells us that it's just not right. But some of us are already in this muddy pool. It not enough to just call it sin, but realizing and understanding the kind of effect that masturbation has on us can help us take our struggle a bit more seriously. Besides the guilt, these are some negative effects of masturbation;

**Addiction:** like all sexual activity, masturbation causes the brain to increase levels of the feel-good hormone, dopamine. When frequently done to alleviate stress, counter negative emotions and relieve sexual tension, masturbation can become addictive. Remember that as Christians, we ought to be masters of our own bodies and desires, not the other way around.

**Climax:** when masturbation becomes our sole or consistent source of sexual climax, it becomes increasingly difficult to reach that climax with a partner, and more so as women. Because we know how to play with ourselves, are free to control what we do, when we do it and how we do it, a partner can easily fall below our expectations. A Christian woman may think that once she gets married she'll never masturbate again because then she'll have a legitimate sexual partner, only to be disappointed and continue with masturbation as her way of achieving sexual pleasure.

When the use of toys like vibrators are incorporated into the masturbation, then the consequences might be worse. Dependency on vibrators can heavily impair your ability to reach climax with a human partner because the human touch is much subtler in comparison to a battery-powered machine. Moreover, the abuse of vibrators can cause the delicate nerve endings in the genital to become desensitized over time hence significantly affect sexual arousal and response.

**Imagery:** most often, masturbation is accompanied by sexual fantasy, whether visual or imagined. This imagery superficially consists of our ideal selves and our ideal partners – or the idealized body. When constantly exposed to this idealization, we become more self-conscious of our flaws and our partners' flaws, which can become a hindrance to arousal and to enjoying sex.

### **Spiritual Implications**

Addiction messes up one's relationships to a certain extent. And one significant relationship that sex addiction tears through is the relationship to God. Sex addicts often complain that they find it hard to connect with God. The guilt that comes from indulging in immoral sexual behavior often makes people feel spiritually disconnected.

One tends to shy away from Christian disciplines such as regular prayers, attending church services, communing with other believers and even partaking of the Holy Communion. There's the constant feeling of falling short and not being good enough that keeps addicts isolated from the Christian community. There's also the fear of losing one's salvation and of subsequent punishment. Sometimes addicts think every bad thing that happens to them is a retribution for their shortcomings.

In the end, the loses that come with sex addiction and impulsive sexual habits far outweigh the gains. The risks, the guilt, the shame, the disconnection from people and from God, is simply not worth the few minutes of pleasure. Even if we spend a lifetime fighting these habits, giving up should never become an option. Better to finish the war maimed and wounded than to surrender and become prisoners of war. 

# PART FIVE: HOW BAD IS IT?

We live in an age where images and suggestions of sex are everywhere. Almost everyone is seeking to be 'sexy' by dressing, smelling, and walking in a seductive way. Even non-sexual objects such as cutlery and furniture are sometimes described as sexy just to fit with the sophistication of the modern times.

Increasingly, all kinds of sexual acts are good to go if they're between consenting adults. The idea that sex is solely for marriage between a heterosexual couple has long lost its relevance. Words such as promiscuity are no longer mentioned as sex is a right to be expressed, however, whenever and in whichever way by the sole decision of an adult individual.

And the church hasn't escaped this sex craze either. Everyone thinks that it's okay to have sex. Unmarried people in the church are freely engaging in sex without guilt or remorse. Fornication is one of those words that were used in the older version of the English language and are no longer applicable in modern times. There's an internal struggle between the rigid biblical stand on sexual purity and the modern world's lenient attitude toward sex. This has even led many to question the Bible's relevance in today's world.

Most societies have abandoned the mindset of sex being an act solely between a man and his wife. Extramarital sex was still there in the pre-modern era, but it was conducted in high secrecy with severe consequences facing those, especially women, who were found guilty of it. Masturbation and other forms of unacceptable sexual acts were there as well, but they were not even worthy of mention as they are today. By and by, thanks to the media's advancement of a more relaxed perception of sex, and the depletion of Christian values, societies have become more accepting of all sorts of sexual activities.

Through the years, sex has become more and more casual. You don't even need to know the other person's name to sleep with them. If they're willing and you are... why not? You don't have to be in a relationship. No strings attached. Friends with benefits. And so on.

Though church may have rigidly held on to its values in the beginning, it has found itself confronting the sex demons – a battle that it seems to be losing by the hour. Slowly and surely, sex is becoming freer and more accessible – with neither accountability or responsibility. Is it a lack of proper teaching or the result of living in a sex-saturated age? Probably both. Now we have some churches openly welcoming homosexuals without a firm call to penance, and others even ordaining gay ministers for service. It seems the church is slowly caving in from external pressure and compromising on its values.

Small wonder, then, that a lot of Christians are struggling with sexual habits and addictions. On the one side, there's the compromised Christianity that's permissive and therefore individuals are getting lost in their habits, maybe only seeking outside help when these habits severely interfere with their lives. On the other side, there's the old-fashioned Christianity that overtly condemns, denies and remains mum on the subject of sexuality – so members are silently struggling with their 'demons'. This more so affects women because its unthinkable for a woman, a Christian woman, to be engaged in any kind of sexual activity that doesn't involve satisfying a husband.

In every society, sexual norms are learned from an early age from parents, guardians, religion, education systems and peers. Perceptions of sexuality are passed down from generation to generation – mostly through behavioral observation than verbal teachings. This perception has continued to evolve through the centuries from the strict solemn view of sex to the 21st century's laid-back and more casual idea of sex.

Parents no longer tell girls to wait until marriage because it seems backward. Teachers no longer tell their students that sex is majorly for procreation as they once did because it seems primitive. Peers no longer discuss sex in low tones as though it was some great secret discovery. Preachers' insistence on biblical purposes of sex is increasingly becoming lost in the loud perversions of modern sexuality. So, now we have children as young as 10 engaging in sex because the boundaries barely exist. It's no longer a big deal to be attracted to someone of the same sex because there are more than enough role models to mentor us.

Unlike those in previous generations who grew up in stricter, more religious societies who still hear that small voice at the back of their heads asking, 'does this seem really right?', those born in this generation don't have much of that conscience. Maybe those brought up in religious families have a soberer perception, but unless strictly guarded, that soberness easily fades away under the corrupting influences of the times.

No wonder sexual addictions and compulsive sexual habits are on a sharp increase across different cultures. Given that sexual desire is natural, when we are bombarded by sexual suggestions in the media - which is now a major part of our lives, casual discussions and jokes about sex, peer pressure and all, it's only a matter of time before we loosen our tight grip on the traditional concept of sexuality and succumb to the contemporary distortions. We Christians, being human as well, are also victims of the same delusions. But unlike others in the world, we must deal with the guilt which follows.

Sex is idolized. It's like if you're not doing it, or you're against it or have reservations about it, then something must be seriously wrong with you. But how do we find truth and stand by it in the middle of all the madness? For us to do that, we must trace our way back to the source, to the origin of sex.

God created sex and sex organs like He did everything else. The whole idea of sexuality originated from God, and not without purpose. In the beginning, God created man, male and female He created them (Genesis 5:2) Not male and male, not female and female, not male alone, and not female alone, but male and female. He blessed them and asked them to multiply and fill the earth – through sex of course.

So, the first intention of sex is procreation. The man and woman are made to complement each other – the design of the sexual organs and the reproductive functions are obvious, even to a dummy. If Adam had remained alone, if he was a man like any other man today, then multiplication of his kind would not have been possible, unless God would have continued to make more of them from the dust.

The other intention of sex is intimacy and pleasure (Proverbs 5:18-19, Song of Songs 7:6-12). In Mark 10:8-9, we see that the two (man and woman) become one flesh. How? Through sex. Paul told the saints that not getting married was good, but instead of dying with pleasure, let each man have his wife (not girlfriend, not one-night-stand, not friend with benefit). Likewise, each woman her husband. He also exhorts in 1 Cor 7:5 that the two (husband and wife) can agree to abstain for a while for the purposes of prayer and fasting, but must immediately get back together to avoid temptation.

This tells us two things. One, that desire is natural – both for the man and for the woman. And two, that the desire should be explored within marriage. Has this truth changed because times have changed? For us to answer that question, we must ask ourselves another question. 1 Corinthians 6:19 says that our bodies are the temple of the Holy Spirit and Christ abides in us. Is that truth still relevant? Yes. If then our bodies are the temple of the Spirit of God, should we then not strive for purity?

Every other sin that we commit is outside of ourselves, but sexual sin defiles our body, which is the dwelling place of God's Holy Spirit (1 Cor 6:18). Sexual immorality consists of any sexual acts outside the confines of marriage. We may no longer be stoned or condemned by society for adultery and fornication, but it remains sin in the eyes of God. All other sexual habits such as porn and masturbation are still impure because they're not within marriage.

I may not yet be married, but I know that it's not always possible to find sexual fulfillment in marriage because so many other factors come to play. But failing to find sexual pleasure in marriage is not an excuse to look for it elsewhere. No one said being a Christian was supposed to be easy, but one of the things involved in the journey is fighting temptation by daily crucifying the flesh and its desires (Galatians 5:4). In such circumstances, our only solution is to pray as we practice self-control. No one has ever died or will ever die from sexual abstinence.

The same is true for the unmarried. What happens when we have this desire but we can't legitimately fulfill it as we have no spouse? Is it then acceptable to channel that desire to say, masturbation? You know, so that we don't end up committing a more serious sin like fornication? The answer is simple – the concept of sexual purity remains the same, regardless of the circumstances. It may seem unfair for God to put this desire in us and yet make marriage elusive for some of us. We Christian women are mostly at a disadvantage because it appears that there are very few eligible Christian men out there, and despite how much we pray, no one is coming around to our rescue.

This then raises other questions – where is the place of self-control and perseverance? As we grow in Christ, we are supposed to become masters of our bodies, our passions, and our desires. We cannot afford to be like those in the world whose lives are ruled by their wants and needs. Paul tells us to crucify our flesh daily. This tells us that our walk as Christians is not a walk in the park on a nice summer day.

Doctors and experts may say that it's okay, atheists and the irreligious may seem to be having all the fun, the media may constantly throw it in our faces, even compromised church leaders may seem to agree with the world, but our instructions should come from our Maker alone. We can't afford to look like the world, think like the world, talk like the world and do like the world, we are expected to be different from the world. We can call ourselves Christians as much as we want to, but when the world looks at us, do they see different or do they see their exact reflection in our demeanor?

### **What about masturbation?**

It's easy to hide behind masturbation because it's not explicitly mentioned in the bible. At face value, it seems like a harmless habit that doesn't hurt anyone. For us to qualify masturbation as a sin, we must look at three things;

1. Jesus said in Matt 5:27-30 that lust is as good as the sin of fornication/adultery. We know that masturbation is almost always a result of lustful thoughts and imaginations which are sometimes fueled by pornography. If this is the case, then masturbation is definitely sin.

2. Paul admonished the saints to 'honor God with your bodies' (1 Cor 6:19-20). Whenever you're in the bathroom busy rubbing yourself, or lying in your bed with your hand down there giving yourself pleasure, do you think God considers that as honor? Is that what He desires for His temple, His dwelling place? If not, then masturbation is definitely sin.

3. In 1 Cor 10:21, Paul tells us that we should do everything for the glory of God. Given the amount of guilt that accompanies masturbation, it would be a lie to think that this act gives God any glory. Even if it's not because of lustful thoughts, porn or any of such, and even if we believe that we are honoring God by relieving sexual tension without fornicating or committing adultery, it's still highly unlikely we can convince ourselves that our action is bringing God glory.

Sex addictions and habits are of course not always about sex for the most part. They are usually a way of escaping from unpleasantness for many people, the same way that substances, food, and other such habits are. The high that one gets from sexual activity is soothing and makes undesirable experiences more bearable by giving us something to look forward to at the end of the day.

Just because the habit is not necessarily driven by lust doesn't make it okay. Turning to carnality to make life easier for us is a sign of spiritual immaturity. It means that we prefer to turn to our flesh with our problems rather than to God. Part of it is because saying a quick prayer at difficult moments is hardly ever enough to subvert our distress. The mind is already aware of its go-to solution, so adjusting its source of relief won't be easy, but will require lots of practice.

I've heard of testimonies where people dropped their habits the moment they became Christians, their desire for illicit gratification disappeared miraculously. At the precise point of salvation, the desire and lure of what they'd been doing for years simply vanished. For many others it took a while to be free. And still for a number of others, their habits follow them their whole lives. They try to shake them off, they try to pray them away, they fuss over them, repent from them, but they refuse to go away. I sometimes wondered if I really wanted to lose my habit, or I'd grown so fond of it I didn't really want it to go away. It had been my companion for so long after all. The only thing I felt would work is if I woke up one morning and realized that I no longer had the desire to masturbate. One problem was, that I could sometimes masturbate even when I had no desire to do it. It wasn't so much of 'wanting' to do it, but 'having' to do it.

Despite my hide and seek game with masturbation, I was convinced beyond doubt that it was sinful. I knew that all my justifications for it didn't hold much water. But I was also sure that if Christ had happened to come during those days, He wouldn't have left me behind. But this one thing had me so entangled and it seemed the more I tried to get free the more entangled I became. My one comfort was that as Paul writes in Ephesians 1:4, 'we were chosen before the foundation of the world.' In other words, God chose me whilst knowing my beginning from my end. When He called me unto Himself, He knew up to the last sin that I'll ever commit. Yet still, He saved me. My only hope was, and still is, His Grace.

### **Shame and guilt**

Shame is a sense of humiliation or distress that one feels following an indecent act. It is a normal human emotion we all experience from time to time – which can be okay if it causes transformation and improvement and repentance. While shame is associated with the belief that something is wrong with us because of what we've done, guilt, on the other hand, is remorse for our actions.

Any kind of addiction comes with a dose of shame, and sexual habits and addictions carry with them one of the largest loads of shame, because sexual conduct is closely associated with character and morality. The way we conduct ourselves sexually speak volumes about our inner character, our dignity, and our prestige. That's why sex scandals, more than any other kind of scandal, can bring down careers and families. Therefore, dealing with secret sexual habits becomes a cause of great distress, and a lot of shame.

Unfortunately, regardless of how powerful the shame of addiction is, it hardly ever leads or encourages the addict to reform. And neither does the shame lessen with continual indulgence. We do not become immune to the shame just because we're consistently exposed to it. Instead, that shame can continue to contribute to our habits because of the unpleasant feeling it creates in us. It makes us turn back to our habits in an attempt to mask the pain.

Our habits can make us feel helpless and powerless, we blame ourselves for not being strong enough to break the addictions. And as Christians, we feel we've let the good Lord down by breaking His commands. Because deep down we know (no matter how much we deny), that our actions are impure. We want to walk in the light, and we may even appear as very good Christians on the outside, but this habit, this one thing eats at us, yet it's the one thing we can't seem to do anything about. We are so ashamed of ourselves that we turn back to our habits, or even develop other negative habits to run away from our disgrace.

Society and the church largely believe that sex addiction and inappropriate sexual habits are choices that individuals choose to continually make. And although it's true that everything we do is a choice, when it comes to addiction, the wrong choice is consistently compulsive. One knows that they can always say no, but the choice to indulge is undeniably overwhelming. Anyone who has tried to stop a habit over and over again can testify to this. Unfortunately, people struggling with sinful sexual habits also blame themselves for their dilemma. Some of the habits such as masturbation and porn are not obvious, but those addicted to them have heard people around them accuse and pass judgments on those involved in such acts, which leads the addict to harbor a secret shame known only to them.

Although shame is associated with any kind of addiction, and immoral sexual habits bear the greater shame, it is women who are affected the most. This is because women are burdened with society's perception of purity.

Since the beginning of time, women have been treated as men's property. To put it more spiritually, women were always under someone's else's care. First her father or male guardian, then her husband. In the Old Testament era, a woman's decision – even that which pertained to her own life, was never final without the stamping of male authority (Numbers 30: 3- 11). A father or husband would overrule a woman's vows.

So, a woman's sexuality, if any such thing, did not belong to herself. For her to be accepted in society, albeit inferior, she was to be modest as pertaining to her character, her appearance, and her sexuality. Failure to which she'd be an outcast, shunned by her family and by society. And most likely – murdered.  Women therefore learned to live in fear of such shame and abandonment. They had no choice but to be submissive and pure.

Unlike today when a woman can live a full life away from her family, back then it wasn't possible. A woman either was in her father's house or her husband's, her character under the control and supervision of a male head. Upon marriage, a girl was to be a virgin, otherwise, the marriage would not have been legitimate.

In particular cultures, a newly-wed couple was ushered into a room where they were supposed to have sex on a white bedsheet – with the guests waiting outside for the outcome. The blood on the bedsheet was proof that the bride was previously untainted, and everyone ululated in celebration because the union was now official. The opposite would cause an instant marriage annulment with the girl spending the rest of her life in desolation and shame – that's if her life was spared. Everything else was secondary to a woman's sexual purity because it was not just her integrity, but that of her family and the community as well.

The responsibility was so much so that in some cultures, even today, being raped meant that your purity and that of your family has been defiled and can only be redeemed by death. At times it's not just the physical act itself: when discovered for loving the wrong man contrary to the family's (male members) expectation, it constitutes impurity, the price of which is death. With this fear of losing integrity, and its consequences having been passed down through so many generations, women's purity is not out of choice but out of obligation. It's not because we are naturally good and less sexual than men, but because the consequences are debilitating for us.

Besides, the sexual conduct of a woman defined a man's level of control in his family. A daughter who got pregnant out of wedlock brought great shame to her parents and tainted her fathers' integrity. In some of the Islamic states in the middle east, they carry out honor killings to restore the family's integrity.

Some of the major reasons for the severity of sexual shame can be one or more of the following;

### **Religious and cultural suppression history**

Many a religion and culture have denied, discouraged and even feared female sexuality. Some denominations and some early church fathers even portrayed women as temptresses who, despite not possessing their own sexual desire, had the sexual prowess to lure men into evil – as though the man's choice didn't go into account. This belief had women double-checked on how they dressed and how they presented themselves in public. Some to the extent of being veiled because their beauty, their femininity, had the power to entrap saintly men.

This same cultures and societies openly accept a man's desire and hence his pursuit of sexual fulfillment, such that even his illegitimate conducts such as adultery and fornication, and sometimes even rape, are easily excused and dismissed. But because women have learned to suppress, even deny, their need or desire for sex, any expression of it, even that which is private, creates a lot of guilt. Whether these feelings are inherent or acquired is yet to be established.

Men can openly boast of their sexual escapades and feel (and get regarded) as champs or studs. The same is not true for women, instead of champions, they'll be sluts, regardless of how free they feel to exercise their rights. There's a deeply-rooted double-standard that women's sexuality should be kept in check.

That sex is a man's domain and women are only facilitators is a deeply and subconsciously entrenched belief that has been passed down through times and peoples and generations. Even today, a lot of people still believe that women very rarely desire sex, and when they show interest it's only as a means to get something else. So much so that even when a woman gets married, especially one who's been brought up within the confines of religion, still acts and believes sexual pleasure belongs to her husband and she's only there to provide a legitimate outlet for it. She's afraid of having and expressing her own desires and cannot be adventurous in case her husband questions her morality. She is afraid to initiate sex and her response in bed should not be from her own pleasure, and ultimately, she doesn't and shouldn't expect gratification from her marriage bed. Should there be instances where she expects to experience pleasure from her spouse and fails to, she is not expected to bring it up, otherwise she'll be accused of self-centeredness.

Enter sexual sin. If a woman's legitimate sexual desire elicits a mixture of reactions, from reservations to sarcasm and everything between, how much more when she's engaged in illegitimate sexual behavior? A woman struggling with immoral sexual habits will be overwhelmed with guilt because she has allowed herself to wrongly experience pleasure. Sexual desire is legitimate, but expressing that desire in a wrong context is not. While men may feel slightly guilty for expressing it in a wrong context, women may feel guilty simply for having the desire itself, and this cannot be truer for those in church any more than those in the world.

Even in the secular world today, some women who feel free to 'exercise their rights' or pursue their desires freely still experience an ounce of guilt. They still kind of have to 'look over their shoulders' with the hope that they won't be found out. The encouragement from health experts and other advisors on why sexual fulfillment is good for people doesn't completely take away the guilt and the shame from women with compulsive habits and especially those involving multiple sexual partners, masturbation, porn, and other less prevalent but frowned-upon habits.

### **Over-glorification of sexual purity**

Each Christian denomination has specific teachings and doctrines that they hold most dear, whether it's baptism, Grace, Holy Spirit, evangelism, and so on. In the same way, there are beliefs about certain matters that are more emphasized than others, and there are also standards that they hold dearer than the rest. Subjects around dress code, alcohol, divorce and such can be so exacting that they become the standards by which salvation is gauged on in the respective assemblies.

In the same way, there are other standards that are shared across many Christian denominations, one being sexual purity. This is not to say that sexual purity is not important, its value is mentioned in several Bible passages from both the Old and the New Testament. And yet, sexual purity is not the only kind of purity that we should strive for as believers or that should be stressed by the church. Unfortunately, it has been made into this big sin that is almost a determinant of faith.

This over-emphasis of sexual purity does more harm than good because one: people who've had a history of sexual addiction or immoral habits shy away from seeking help out of the fear of negative perception, and two; it can lead people into a legalistic kind of thinking where they strive to achieve sexual purity at the expense of overall purity and at the expense of a personal, meaningful relationship with God. It becomes a superficial change from the outside in instead of from the inside out. Hence, one wrongly judges themselves and others according to their sexual conduct.

The Bible is clear, we should abstain from sexual sin. But we should also abstain from all other forms of sins such as gossip, slander, rebellion, greed, lies, and so on. Spiritual maturity doesn't produce only one kind of purity, but an overall purity. Getting fixated on sexual purity alone is self-righteousness.

# PART SIX: IS IT POSSIBLE TO BE TRULY FREE

Christians who find themselves in the murky waters of addiction and habitual indulgences feel stuck. I can only remember so many times when I wondered if Jesus was finally going to give up on me. As women with sinful sexual habits, we find it difficult to openly talk about our struggles, which can leave us feeling absolutely alone. Being in church doesn't help much because we see all the smiling, confident, seemingly composed believers and feel that we are lone sojourners. We question the validity of our salvation, and each time the preacher talks about sinners, we feel that he's talking about us.

On the one hand, there's the habit which, though we know it's wrong, is our source of comfort and we may be reluctant to lose it, or we may want to lose it but it's beyond us. Then, on the other hand, is the desire to be right with God. But at the end of the day, we know that our habit is the one thing that makes us feel so conflicted within us, and that beyond the comfort it affords us, we truly do desire to be free of it.

### The finished work of Christ

Most Christians who struggle with sexual sin often wonder about the assurance of their salvation. When we've been good, we are confident of our standing with God, but when we've misbehaved, we worry that God is mad at us and we are no longer 'saved'. Repentance is acknowledging our wrong and turning away from it. When we dedicate our lives to Christ, we are expected to 'no longer live as we did' – fulfilling the lusts and desires of the flesh (Galatians 5:16-21), but we are to put on a 'new self' which lives according to the spirit, fulfilling the desires of God (Ephesians 4:22-24).

We all sin for sure, and with random sins, it's easy to repent and move on. But with addiction, with habitual sins, we know that it's not as easy as that because we've been there so many times before. Even as we are asking for God's mercy, we know deep down that the problem still lingers, we know that the sin is still there, lurking in the shadows, waiting for another opportune moment for it to resurface.

Are we only saved until our next sin? Is the work of Christ only relevant as long as we are 'good'? What does salvation really mean? Let's visit a few scriptures to answer these questions:

For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him will not perish but have eternal life (John 3:16). Here, our salvation is not attached to deeds, but to faith – faith in Christ. Remember it's said of Abraham that he believed in God and it was accounted to him for righteousness (Romans 4:3). His being righteous was not so much in what he did, as we often believe, but in his faith in God.

Jesus said in Mark 16:16, 'Whoever believes and is baptized will be saved, but whoever does not believe will be condemned.' Believe in what? During the Old Testament days, the Israelites were each required to take a sin offering to the temple as soon as they became aware of their guilt. The offering, which was either a young bull, a goat or a lamb without blemish, was to be burnt on the altar by the priest. This atoned for their sins for a period of time – until the next sin (Leviticus 4). In Hebrews 10, Paul told the Christians that this law was only 'a shadow of things to come, not the reality itself.' But, 'Christ died for sins once for all, the just for the unjust, so that He might bring us to God, having been put to death in the flesh, but made alive in the spirit (1 Peter 3:18).

Believing in the finished work of Christ on the cross, which entails the forgiveness of our sins, is what brings us salvation. Paul further tells us in Ephesians that: 'He (God) chose us in Him (Christ) before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in His sight (Ephesians 1:4). If we were chosen before the creation of the world, then nothing can take away our being chosen. For, after all, God knows all things, and He knew very well up to the last sin that we would commit in this life before we were even born. Despite this knowledge, He still chose us. This is not to excuse our sin, but to know that even as we struggle with our habits, we are still God's children. The moment we come to Christ, as led by God, the Holy Spirit puts a seal on us as a deposit guaranteeing our inheritance... (Ephesians 13:14).

If the only way to be 'saved' is to believe in Christ, then the only way to undo that salvation is to stop believing in Christ as savior. Sexual sin may be vile, considered as a sin against our own bodies, but it doesn't negate our salvation. The moment we give ourselves totally to our indulgences and no longer care about Jesus or His work, then we can confidently say we've lost our salvation. But as long as we're still struggling, then it means we still have the seal of the Holy Spirit as He's the one who convicts us of our sins.

Such truth seems too good to be true except that it is. Our sins have already been forgiven, not just the ones in the past, but the future ones as well. If that was not so, then we would not have been chosen before the foundation of the world as Apostle Paul tells us in his epistle to the Ephesians. God would have waited for us to clean ourselves up before handing us salvation with conditions. But the fact that 'while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us' (Romans 5:8b), means that He knew all our sins well before we ever committed them. We should never struggle to overcome our inadequacies so that God can accept us, we should only do it because he has already accepted us, and our desire is to grow to be more like Him.

### Keep praying, keep confessing

We should never stop trying to quit simply because our sins have already been paid for. We know how much our habits hinder us from having peace, from confidently approaching God. We may revel in the temporary pleasure and relief the habits bring us, but soon after the thrill fades, we know the guilt and the shame with which we battle. And we know only too well how that gets in the way of our relationship with God. Many of us find it hard to face God in prayer after we have indulged, and we can even fail to attend church or fellowship for a period of time because of this.

Confession of sins done over and over again is a disgraceful experience. But that should never stop us from doing it. It's vital to speak out whenever making a confession, hearing ourselves say what we've done makes us all the more aware of how wrong it is. It's a painful, emotional, tooth-biting path to freedom, yet it lifts a heavy burden from our hearts. We also ought to be truthful in our confessions, after all, God already knows what we've done, He knew it even before we made the choice to do it. The shame of hearing ourselves say it is a tactic the devil loves to use to keep us from making a confession. When we fail to confess, to come face to face with our sin, then we start to look for excuses to cover that sin, and in time we risk becoming comfortable with our transgressions.

It's easy to confess to random sin once we become aware of our wrongdoing. But with habitual sin, it gets harder and harder the more we indulge. Just as we ought to keep confessing, we also ought to continually ask the Lord for strength. There is the temptation to 'hide from God' and try to clean ourselves up first that we may be more presentable to Him. When we do this, we risk straying further away from help because sin thrives in the dark. We're are much better off battling our shame in the light than in the shadows.

Instead of looking to ourselves for a solution when we've proven with experience that we can't help ourselves, let's turn to our Lord. Admitting that our willpower is weak and our resolve is shaky is a step toward freedom. There's absolutely nothing wrong with asking the Lord for His help. After all, 'it is God who works in you to will and to act in order to fulfill his good purpose (Philippians 2:13). God understands our nature, even what we think are good choices are only weak resolves in His eyes. Our trust should not be in ourselves to make things right, but in God. "Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He will make your paths straight (Proverbs 3:5-6).

### The cleansing Word

The word of God holds in it a power we cannot completely discern with our limited human understanding. But to activate that power in our lives, we need to read the bible. Not to hear part of it on Sunday mornings in church, not to hear bits of it in passing on television, but to read it for ourselves. It doesn't need to make sense at first, and I know that the sheer size of the bible is intimidating, it's stories and historical settings and cultural lifestyle foreign and far-removed from our modern lives. Yet the more we read it, the more we get a glimpse into the mind and heart of God, and the more we realize its relevance to our own personal lives.

Paul tells us in Romans 12:2 not to conform to the patterns of this world but to be transformed by the renewing of our minds. Regular, consistent reading of scriptures causes something in us to change. It indirectly challenges our mindset and deep-seated attitudes and slowly transforms us from the inside out.

When dirt and filth accumulate on something for a long time, it would take lots of washing – with water and detergents and the like – over an extended period to make that thing clean again. The more we continue in sinful sexual habits, the more we become soiled. The things we've seen, the things we've done, the things we've heard, and the things we've thought make us filthy on the inside. Filth becomes filthier with time and attracts more filth, and that's why it becomes difficult to just stop. But the word of God is the surest way to remove that filth, no matter how old and sticky it is. As we continuously read it, as we consistently study it, it slowly washes out the fleshly/worldly/sinful lusts and desires (Ephesians 5:26).

When we get accustomed to reading the word of God, we slowly start to lose our habits. And I'm not talking about merely flipping through the Bible and reading a verse here and a verse there, but purposely studying it to search the mind and will of God. It doesn't have to take several hours in a day, but even setting aside 10 to 30 minutes every day will still work. One of the best ways to read the bible is to use a guide. A guide helps us understand the bible better – even makes it more interesting by enabling us to pause and evaluate what we are reading, and see how it can apply to own lives.

There are several bible study guides available – from free downloads to those you buy in bookstores or sites such as Amazon. One of my favorite resources for guides is Precept Ministries – (shop.precept.org), they have a wide range of resources – from those that tackle different subjects such as discipleship, leadership, sex, to those that look into individual books of the bible.

One of the best things about the Bible is that you don't necessarily have to read a verse or a chapter related to what you're going through, but every script, regardless of how irrelevant it may seem to you, is sufficient enough for cleansing. Why? Because it's the God of the word that works in you. You don't have to look for topics that cover lust or purity, but even studying the work of Jesus, or the call to discipleship, exposes your spirit to the truth. You discover that the more you delve into scripture, the less likely you are to indulge in your lustful appetites.

So again, the bible should not be like a temporary 'over the counter' solution for a random headache, but a life-long prescription – because sin is a chronic condition.

### Take the battle to the mind

It all starts in the mind. Before we say yes in the flesh, we have already said yes in the mind. Before we physically indulge in temptation, we have already agreed to it in our heads.

Almost every thought we process is influenced by what we feed our minds. Just as eating junk food over a period of time affects our physical health, feeding our mind garbage eventually affects our spiritual wellness. What is the content of the music we listen to? Of the movies we watch? Of the books we read? Of the games we play? What company do we keep and what do we talk about? What do we do?

Negative input produces negative output. When we repeatedly expose ourselves to sexually explicit material, our way of thinking becomes affected, and consequently, the corruption manifests in our behavior.

The scriptures tell us in Romans 12:2 'not to conform to the patterns of this world but to be transformed by the renewing of our minds.' Mere will is not enough to renew our minds and transform our behavior if we continue to expose our senses to junk. We cannot take a shower with muddy water and expect to become clean. If we truly desire to change, to lose our bad habits, then we must change what gets into our minds through the senses – we must change the input.

Evaluating how much time we spend on entertainment and the content of that entertainment is the first step. We may discover we spend several hours a day watching TV or on the internet – a few hours in the morning during breakfast, a few hours over lunchtime, a few hours after work – all totaling to several hours. And what we watch most –shows and music that glorify/condone immorality. We may initially disagree with some of the elements of what we watch, but continuous exposure to the same thing makes us immune to our initial discomfort, eventually, we find ourselves liking, and even agreeing, to what is unacceptable in God's eyes.

I remember one reality show I loved so much – one of its main hosts was gay. Having been brought up in a culture and religion that abhors homosexuality, my first reaction was that of repulsion. But that particular personality was quite charming, and in time, he became my favorite, to an extent that he was the main reason I continued to watch the show. The next thing I knew is that I was celebrating his mannerisms and thinking that he and his partner made a 'cute couple'.

What I had at first found repulsive and unagreeable, I was enticed to accept because of familiarity. What had once been a hard stance in me had become softened with repeated exposure. Until I went back to the Bible and found that it hadn't changed – that it still called homosexuality sin – and that's when I came back to my senses. The word of God remains an anchor that grounds us in the raging madness of our modern world and its compromises. Not every aspect of modernity is wrong – cultural traditions and perceptions may evolve with time and place, but sin remains sin.

The writer of the Psalms asks the Lord to 'Turn my eyes away from worthless things; preserve my life according to your word." Most of the entertainment we become engrossed in is vain and worthless. It stirs our imaginations and entices our senses, and the more we continue to watch and listen, the more we are compelled to 'act out.' Ever watched a show on food and not felt hungry? Ever browsed through appealing food and never had your appetite aroused?

Lifestyle diseases are largely caused by, well, lifestyle. Experts say that we reduce our chances of getting lifestyle diseases from the very moment we change our habits from the negative to the positive. As long as we continue with destructive tendencies such as smoking and inactivity, our risk levels either remain the same or get higher. In the same sense, as long as we continue to feed our minds with morally-deprived content, our sinful habits stay put or get worse. But the moment we start to change our input, the output begins to adjust as well.

So, if you've been spending too much time on entertainment, whether sensually enticing or not, make a choice to cut back. Instead of binge-watching those soap operas that erotically stimulate your imagination, watch a documentary about a subject that interests you. Instead of spending hours on YouTube watching interviews of morally questionable celebrities, watch a 'Ted Talk', a 'How To' video, or even some funny cats' compilation' video. They may not be as appealing as the former, but they are informative, educative, and make a much more worthwhile way to pass time. And because they are positively thought-provoking, they help cleanse out some of the filth in the mind which encourage sinful sexual habits.

### Get busy – alternatives

There's so much around us that we can do. From hobbies that stimulate our minds and improve our health to projects that help better other people's lives. We'd be lying to ourselves if we said there's nothing other than sleeping around or watching porn that interests us. Sometimes all we need to do is make the resolve.

Indulge in a hobby or a past time activity. You can join a yoga class, enroll in dance classes, join the gym, learn the guitar, learn to play piano, join a book club... anything. These kinds of activities set your mind rolling in a positive direction and promote the production of dopamine (the happiness hormone). The more you involve yourself in past time activity, the better you will feel about yourself. The more your overall mind and body's health improve, the less stress you will experience, and eventually, the less need you will have to turn to your sexual activities for a fix.

You can also involve yourself in community/church programs as a volunteer. Joining a visitation ministry that reaches out to the hurting, working with groups that reach out to widows, orphans or the vulnerable in society, going for an overseas mission for a while and such things can be life-changing experiences. You realize that the world is bigger than your troubles and that there's so much more to life than sex. Taking part in these (and many other programs/ministries) help preoccupy your mind with worthwhile courses, leaving little room for distractive sexual thoughts.

The bottom line here is engaging in something positive that occupies your mind and your time, luring you further and further away from immoral sexual activities. Breaking our habits may not be automatic, but the more we give priority to constructive activities, the weaker the grip on inappropriate habits gets. But for it to work, we must strive for consistency.

### Seek outside help if need be

Depending on the severity of the habit, or the weakness of your resolve evidenced by failure to stop despite numerous attempts while employing different methods such as the ones above, outside help can be a viable option. If your habits put your life, health, relationships or work at risk, then reaching out to a professional should be a priority even as you continue pursuing parallel paths to freedom.

Talking to a professional counselor, preferably one who is Christian, is a great place to start. This doesn't have to be in your church if you're worried about privacy. You can find one in a different church or town. Someone who understands that your struggle is not just a sexual one, but a spiritual one as well. He/she will not just apply the knowledge learned in school, but will also use scripture to encourage you and exhort you.

Sex addiction therapy is a little different from other kinds of therapies in that it doesn't seek total sobriety – you know, because sexuality in itself is not wrong. What it does is helps single out hidden problematic behaviors, triggers and dangers zones that promote the continuity of unethical sexual behaviors. If your addiction has a biochemical aspect to it, then drugs can be prescribed. Sometimes if your habit is extreme to the point of endangering yourself or others, the therapist may recommend intensive inpatient therapy at a rehab center.

Based on where you live, Sex Addicts Anonymous or something of the sort can also be another great option. Meeting and talking about your struggles with people who experience the same struggles and the same elusive desire for freedom is the beginning of the path to recovery. There's nothing quite as comforting and relieving as sharing your secret issues with people who feel and understand your pain.

### Get an accountability partner

An accountability partner is simply a peer who listens to you, walks with you and encourages you to keep a commitment. He or she may not necessarily share your struggles, but they should be trustworthy enough to keep your secrets. This means that you'll have to be honest with them and be willing to share the intimate details of your habits.

You'll need to be clear with your accountability partner as to what you hope to come out from the partnership – maybe you simply want someone to make your confessions to, maybe you want them to go further and ask you questions regarding your habits. Maybe you even want them to keep a log and probably analyze your behavior. You can schedule to meet or talk every so often and take them through what you've been up to, this again means you'll have to be willing and ready to be honest about sensitive details.

An accountability partner is an effective tool for making progress toward healing. We become more obligated to abstain from our habits when we know there's someone 'watching out' for us. Knowing that we'll have to tell our dirty little secrets to someone encourages us all the more to say no to temptations. Our guilt also increases whenever we fall, which consequently, inspires us to strengthen our resolve.

The other advantage of having an accountability partner is that because unlike a mentor or a pastor, it's not a hierarchical relationship; and unlike a counselor, it's not an impersonal relationship, therefore we are less likely to feel judged and more likely to open up. Having to hear ourselves say what we've done, and having to delve deeper into the why and the how and the when forces us to bring our actions into question. The more we expose our habits to scrutiny, the more uncomfortable we feel about them, and the less likely we are to indulge.

So how do we go about picking an accountability partner?

An accountability partner has to be someone you trust. Preferably someone you've known for a while and whose character is commendable. This can be a friend, a colleague, a relative, a teacher and so on. If you feel that this is a person who you can tell a secret and they keep it confidential, and he or she – preferably she, is willing to walk with you that journey, then go for it.

# Conclusion

Everything we do is out of choice, and we only think we have no choice when the consequences of the other available alternatives are too grim. Regardless of whether our impulsive habits are purely sexual or a substitution for emotional pain, we subconsciously choose to face the guilt that follows pleasurable indulgences over the bland feeling that goes with sexual suppression. We choose the immediate, 'tangible' reward that comes with saying yes over the not-so-obvious benefits of saying no.

On this account, we have no excuse, but, everything is not as simple as black and white, not when it comes to spiritual matters. Sex addiction and impulsive sexual habits IS sin, a 'work of the flesh' as the New Testament put its. Yet, God doesn't walk around with a list of Do's and Don'ts to tick or cross against your name. If He did, then none of us would be spared, because, 'We have all sinned and fallen short of the glory of God.' At the end of the day, the one who lies, the one who murders, the one who practices idolatry, the one who commits immorality, has sinned against God.

But, 'There's therefore now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus (Romans 8:1).' This is not an excuse for sin, but it is quite a bitter pill to swallow for those who are self-righteous and those who like pointing fingers at others. All in all, sin does attract punishment. Even though forgiven, we might still have to face the consequences of our actions. Unwanted pregnancies, sexually transmitted infections, strained relationships are just some of the things that can be born of sinful sexual habits. And being forgiven does not automatically shield us from those unfortunate results.

True cleansing, true healing, true freedom can only be found in Christ. We cheat ourselves when we seek our own way out of our mess, because, salvation is not based on what we do or do not do, but what we believe. Yes, our action should reflect our faith, and our faith should influence our action, but, '... if righteousness can be achieved through the law, then Christ died for nothing (Galatians 2:21). During Jesus' ministry on earth, the outsiders (gentiles), and socially inferior (women, tax collectors, sinners, those with disabilities, the infirm and such) benefited more from His ministry because of their faith, than the Jewish Scribes and Pharisees (the elites) who chose to rigidly cling to the law.

Even if we were to lose our sinful habits, without Christ, we would still be sinners. So, let our focus not be on our actions but on Christ. Let us rely on Him for everything and not look to our own strengths or wallow in our own failures. Let every step we take toward healing, toward freedom, be centered on Him and not on the action itself. Whether we choose to see councilors, go to rehab, take medicine or give up altogether, let us never focus on our ways, but keep our eyes on Christ. Let us give ourselves fully to Him, however tattered and filthy we may be.

