-For your little ones,
Macy's has
the festive fashions that'll
have them saying...
-It's too hot!
-It itches!
-[ Crying ]
♪♪
[ Applause ]
♪♪
-Are you ready to find out?
-I'm nervous.
-Don't be.
Everything's gonna be fine.
-Deciding to have a baby
wasn't a simple decision.
-So we didn't want a pregnancy
test that just gave us a simple
yes or a no.
-We wanted more information.
-And when it comes to giving
information, there's only
one name we trust to give it
to us constantly.
-That's why we use the new CNN
Take-Home Pregnancy Test.
Its relentless, breaking alerts
let us know
that it's working hard to find
out if we're having a baby.
[ Test chimes ]
-Breaking --
search for
pregnancy underway.
-As CNN slowly analyzes
my urine, it updates me
on its breaking-news screen.
[ Test chimes ]
-Breaking --
search for
pregnancy continues.
-'Cause CNN believes we
deserve all the information
they can find.
[ Test chimes ]
Breaking -- CNN more
confident than ever
that it will
soon know if you're pregnant.
-Okay.
-Even if that information is
no information.
[ Test chimes ]
-Breaking -- search for
pregnancy enters third week.
-Why is this taking so long?
It's 2014.
-Honey, it's not the stick's
fault.
It's telling you
everything it knows.
-I know.
I'm not mad at the stick.
It's just, this was fun at
first, but now it's like,
"Wait
and tell me when you know."
-With breaking alerts
every 10 minutes.
[ Test chimes ]
-Breaking --
six million U.S. women
get pregnant each year.
-So?
-Daytime...
[ Test chimes ]
-Breaking...
-...and nighttime.
-Oh, my God.
-We're having a baby?
-Nope. Oscar Pistorius
took his legs off in court.
-He was found guilty?
-No.
It was just about the legs.
And when CNN finally does
make a discovery about
our pregnancy...
-Pregnancy found!
-Pregnancy found!
-Yes!
-Oh, my God!
...I know it will be accurate...
[ Test chimes ]
Oh.
- Breaking -- cannot confirm
pregnancy.
-...15% of the time.
-Great.
-Great. Cool. Awesome.
Totally great!
-Fine.
The CNN Take-Home
Pregnancy Test.
-For when you want to know
that they don't know.
Honey, I guess I was pregnant.
-Wow.
[ Giggling ]
-Thanks, CNN.
[ Test chimes ]
-Breaking...
-Oh, and Kesha just took the
dollar sign out of her name.
-Hmm.
-Hmm.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Meet little Sara.
-Isn't she beautiful?
-Oh, my gosh.
-Look at those pudgy cheeks.
-She's a good little eater.
-I love her roly-poly arms.
-Would you look at her little
tubby tummy?
-Okay, let's put the baby away.
-Do you have a fat baby?
Are you ashamed of it?
Everyone loves babies,
but sometimes there's just
too much to love.
That's why you need
Baby Spanx.
The super elastic shapewear that
smoothes out all your baby's
unsightly bumps and bulges.
-In no time, your baby will go
from flab to fab.
Now that's a tight baby.
-What do you think now?
-Oh, my God.
I hate your baby.
It's so thin.
-That child looks hot.
-What's her secret?
A juice fast?
-Good genes, I guess.
-I would never spank a baby,
but I sure as hell would
Spanx one -- with Baby Spanx.
[ Babies cooing ]
-And be sure to try
Tabby Spanx -- Spanx for cats.
-The first months of a child's
life are a special time.
As your baby acquires the skills
of social interaction,
impressions are made that will
last a lifetime.
Unfortunately, this baby
and millions of other male
babies just like him
spend months suffering
through the shame and disgrace
associated with male
infantile baldness.
It's a scientific fact that
males lag developmentally
behind females.
Add male infantile baldness,
and that means low self-esteem,
decreased confidence,
and even lowered social status.
Is that what you want
for your child?
That's why our scientists
at Nelson Pediatrics
developed these --
Baby Toupees.
Thanks to our patented
technology,
and the cooperation
of the Chinese government,
we can now take an adult-sized
toupee and adapt it
to fit your baby's head.
It's fake hair
with real results.
Look at this child --
bursting with self-esteem,
oozing with confidence.
Now look at him two weeks ago.
He's like a brand new person.
And the best part is, you can't
even tell it's fake!
Hey, look at Mr. Popular.
Now he's king of the play date.
He looks good, and he knows it.
Isn't that what every
parent wants?
I should know.
I'm not only the President
of Nelson's Baby Toupees.
I'm also the father
of a client.
-Nelson's Baby Toupees.
From the good people who
brought you Baby Beards.
-You gave him life.
Now give him confidence.
-The holidays are here.
So head to Macy's for unbeatable
deals on a winter wardrobe
for the whole family.
Men's blazers starting
at $49.99.
Cashmere tops for her
from $79.99.
And for your little ones, Macy's
has the festive fashions
that'll have them saying...
-It's too hot!
-It itches!
-[ Crying ]
-'Tis the season for wrestling
your wiggly little monster into
thick winter clothes.
So all month long,
we're taking 25% off
boys' Merino wool sweaters that
won't fit over his head.
-If you'd stopped squirming,
it would be on already!
-And 40% off cozy corduroys
that'll pinch his little nuts.
-Mommy!
-Dad, can't he just
wear his jeans?
-You don't wear jeans
to church!
-And for your little girl,
it's half off all hard,
shiny shoes that hurt.
-Ow! These shoes hurt!
-Welcome to being a woman,
Kylie.
-And 30% off
all holiday rompers
she'll never
get off in time.
-It's wet!
-Okay.
Well, you have to tell Mommy
when you have to go!
-[ Crying ]
-The weather outside may be
frightful, but at Macy's,
we've got kids' jackets
so big and thick,
they won't fit
in their car seat anymore.
[ Door closes ]
-[ Bleep ]
[ Laughter ]
-Here we go.
-You didn't hear that, buddy.
-And save an extra 10% on snow
boots that are so hard
to put on, it'll strain
your marriage.
-Sorry.
-You need to put
her foot in sideways
and then twist it.
-Well, if you can do it,
then do it!
-And deals so hot,
even Frosty the --
-You need to learn, Nathan!
-Daddy's a dumb-ass!
-And deals so hot --
-Okay, well, if this is
gonna be your attitude,
maybe we should tell my mom
we're not coming.
-And deals so --
-Oh, no!
And miss your brother
getting drunk
and asking
to borrow money?!
What ever will I do?!
-And for your new arrivals,
we've got precious winter
onesies with so many
tiny buttons and snaps,
you'll let your baby sit
in a loaded diaper
for hours just to avoid
having to put it back on.
Plus, everyday savings on
mittens they'll lose,
shirts with the wrong
"Frozen" Princess...
-Elsa! [ Screams ]
-...sweaters that
make them hot,
flannels that make them hot,
scarves that make them hot.
-Gah! Where's my kid? Marcus?
-And button-downs with sharp,
scratchy tags in the back
that'll have them bitching
all season long.
Look, we know it's awful for
them and for you,
but one day they'll be too old
to wear cute
little clothes like this,
and you'll miss it,
so suck it up
and get down to Macy's.
The clothes they'll hate create
the memories you'll love.
-Levi, these are Mommy's
co-workers.
Can you say hi?
-What's up, buddy?
You're looking fresh.
-[ Chuckles ]
-Hey. You look nice.
-Alright, gimme a high five,
buddy.
Ohh! Too strong.
-I bet you play football,
right?
-Yeah, and you go to school.
That sucks.
Um, do you wear your clothes
to school?
[ Dramatic music playing ]
-Do you have no idea how to
talk to children?
-Mnh-mhn.
-Does it make you feel like
a bad person that you can't?
-Mm-hmm.
-It's never too late to learn,
with new Duolingo
for Talking to Children,
the first foreign-language app
for grown people
who need to learn how to
talk to kids
because their friends are
starting to have them.
Practice just five minutes
a day, and you'll be
a brat whisperer in no time.
 -Very cool, bud.
Very cool, bud.
Chicken fingers.
Chicken fingers.
I like your backpack.
-The one thing you know
about talking to kids
is you're not allowed
to call girls pretty,
but then it's like,
"What do you say?"
-You look...not pretty.
I mean, you're smart.
I mean, you're an engineer
one day.
-Are you okay?
-I got this.
Just one second. Sorry.
Um...
Cool backpack.
-Get a better sense
of kids' ages.
 -Identify the 12-year-old.
 Correct!
-Practice traditional
greetings.
 -I've got your nose!
-Build your stamina for long,
meandering, pointless stories.
-I really like the pizza
they have, too.
-Uh...
[ Cellphone beeps ]
Cool!
-In as little as six weeks,
you'll be ready for all kinds
of kinder conversations,
like friend's new baby,
the bus,
dance recital, child falls
on sidewalk in front of you,
public restroom, airport gate,
hot tub at vacation resort,
and child wearing
big pink dress.
Let's face it -- kids are bad
conversationalists,
but you don't have to be.
-So, I bet you like
chicken fingers.
-Hey, high five!
Too slow.
♪♪
-Duolingo for Talking to Kids,
also available in Your Dad.
♪♪
