(upbeat music)
(applause)
- Thank you. Thank
you. Am I adorable?
Did you ever see anything
more precious than this?
I look like a stuffed canary
in this dress, don't I?
Oh, I just think it's precious.
And do you want to know
something? Look at this.
I lost so much weight.
Can you believe that? That's
an 18 inch waist line.
Through the center.
(crowd laughs)
Oh, but my feet are killing
me. I have to sit down.
Do you want to know something?
Do you ever notice something?
You buy cheap shoes they never
hurt. They burn you to death.
Oh my feet!
You know, I am the greatest
shopping nut in the world.
I love a bargain.
If I told you girls what I
found yesterday shopping,
you'll eat your
hearts out. You ready?
Stockings I bought. 50
pairs of stockings I got.
12 cents a pair.
The seams go up the front.
I don't know what I'm
going to do with them.
(crowd laughs).
But for 12 cents a pair
I can learn to walk
backwards, right?
A bargain like that
you can't find.
But I must tell you a marvelous
story that happened to me.
You know in show business,
every night of the
week you come to work,
you're always dressed up.
Seven nights a week
you walk on the stage,
you're always in
an evening gown.
So when I go shopping in the
afternoon, I love to be casual.
I put on my little
slacks and I go shopping.
(crowd laughs)
Well, I could never wear them
when I was heavy, you know?
So I put on my little stretch
pants, my high white boots.
And I must have looked adorable.
because everyone in the store
was looking at me, you know.
So I said to myself,
adorable person,
while you're walking around
and you look so precious,
go into the dress department,
see what's doing his shifts.
Well, there were two
sales girls standing there
that you had to see to believe.
You know the ones with
the screwed up noses.
They both look like
they're smelling something,
and I look like what
they're smelling.
You know that kind of face?
(crowd laughing)
One of them spots me
getting off the elevator
with the outfit, she gave
the other one a push,
knocked her through
four racks of dresses
to get her attention,
and I hear her say
right in front of me.
"Oh my. Oh, I
don't believe this.
Look what just got off the
elevator in stretch pants.
Oh, I'm going over to
have a million laughs."
And she comes
walking over to me.
But they all look
alike, you ever notice?
With the black dress
and the space shoes.
(crowd laughing)
And the glasses hanging
on the chain, right?
And the little bun
and the mustache.
(crowd laughs)
So she comes walking over
to me I say to myself,
She started with the right one.
I said I'm going to
give her a day today,
that she won't forget
for maybe 20 years.
What else have I got to do days?
I work seven nights a week.
And she doesn't know,
last week alone.
I put away a hairdresser
and a furrier.
They're taking the cure.
So she comes over to me
with a mouth like this.
"May I help you, madam?"
I say, "I'd like to see
something in an Italian knit."
(crowd laughs)
She says, "You're kidding.
You're bigger than Italy,
where am I going to get an
Italian knit to go around you?"
Now she's going to start
it. "What size madam?"
I say, "Size seven."
(laughing)
(crowd laughs)
I wear a nine perfect, you know.
(crowd laughs)
But I wanted to aggravate her,
so I go over to size seven bin,
I'm poking around. The
whole floor is frozen.
There is not a sale being made
through this whole transaction.
In fact one lady was
trying on a bathing suit,
she had two legs in one hole.
(crowd laughs). So I
pull out a little number
and I go into the dressing room.
Now you girls know. An
Italian knit gives a little.
But what I'm about to ask this
dress to do is ridiculous.
Well, I shove myself
into this dress.
You had to see it to believe it.
The waistline was under
my arms, like this.
My head was blowing off
and she sent every
sales girl in the store
to come take a look at me.
Then I hear her give I yell
to the other side of the room.
"Hey, come here!
I want you to see the fat
girl in the dressing room!"
I stuck my head out I
said, "Where! Where!"
I bought it.
(laughing)
(applause)
