By the way, I went
to Uncut Gems last night.
-TIANA: Oh.
-The premiere of that movie.
-You heard about that movie
with Sandler? -Heard about it.
It's gonna be good. Uh, I don't
want to give anything away,
but the gems do get cut
toward the middle.
-(laughter)
-Great.
No, but...
You don't have to go now.
But I was, uh, there,
and then Kevin Garnett is in it.
-NBA player.
-Yeah. -Heard of him.
And so my girlfriend goes,
"Is that Kevin Garnett?"
And I go...
-(laughter)
-Yes.
-Funny little tidbit from...
-TIANA: Yes.
Wearing what he normally wears
to a basketball game--
-a suit, right?
-He did wear a suit.
-Yeah. 'Cause he doesn't play.
-Yeah.
-They're still googling him.
-Sits on the bench a lot.
Yeah, you'll get it
during the commercial.
-These people don't know
what's happening. -Oh, okay.
Uh, we'll talk about Kelly Ripa.
You know that.
Kelly Ripa admitted
that she had plastic surgery--
can you guess?--
on her earlobes.
She said she was wearing
a lot of heavy earrings--
I've never even heard of this--
and they caused them to sag.
Is this a real problem?
-Her teeth are doing fine.
-I know.
-I just feel like...
-She lost her tongue.
-(laughter)
-Yeah.
Taken out for... That's not
a lot of weight, but it helps.
That's what they had to put back
in the earlobes.
SPADE: Oh, they jammed that
in the hole?
-They jammed... Yeah.
-Well, doesn't...
She talks to Ryan Seacrest
every day for a living.
If I did that,
I would cut my ears off.
-(laughter)
-This is... You know.
You know, the ears are
the tits of the face.
-(laughter) -That's why.
And you really got to keep...
(laughing): "The ears are
the tits of the face."
She said they were so big, they
were hurting her back, though.
-Oh, yeah.
-That's... Everyone says that.
Yeah, the holes.
I feel bad for the holes,
'cause they had to go into porn
after that.
-They couldn't get any work.
But, uh... -(laughter)
I just also feel like there's
so many things on Kelly Ripa
that I wish were sewn up, and...
-(laughter)
-Her ears were not one of them.
-You mean the mouth.
-Yeah.
Okay, good.
Let's not get filthy.
-No. The mouth. -Who starts
their day with that show?
Like, who's the demo for that?
Just housewives
in Galveston, Texas, or...?
Whose husband is, like,
sitting in a car drinking,
cleaning his gun?
Who are the people
that want to get up
-with her and Ryan Seacrest?
-(laughter)
Who wants to get
into the day that way?
But she's also married
to Mark Consuelos,
and, like,
if I was married to him,
I would get any kind of surgery
all the time.
Just be like, "Ow. You kiss it."
-Like, "Help. Ow, it hur...
-SPADE: Yeah, he's hot.
Is that my mandible?"
Is it down there?
-I don't know.
-My mandible. (laughter)
I don't think so.
I... When I go...
Like, if I go to Arby's,
they always have, like,
those big circles in their ears,
like checkers?
The bottom part.
Arby's has no rules.
Because... sort of
the crummier the restaurant,
the more things are happening.
Tattoos and face rings.
-Yeah, it's exciting. Exciting.
-Exciting.
-It's a bigger subject.
-Yeah.
Yeah. Uh, well,
let's take a look.
'Cause I didn't
even notice this before.
What did she look before?
-Oh.
-(laughter)
Baby Yoda.
-I can't tell the difference.
-(applause)
Yeah.
-See? We ended it kind of cute.
-Yeah.
Um, Cardi B--
here she is on her way to, uh...
Oh, I don't know, Big Bird's
funeral? I don't know.
She's getting buzz
because her bodyguard's...
really hot.
-But which one?
-Yeah.
-That guy's not bad.
-No.
-Is it this one? Okay.
-Yeah, it's that one.
-Oh, look at... Oh, hi.
-Yeah.
Okay, I get it now.
Sarah, you don't use protection.
What do you think?
(laughter)
(cheering and applause)
I just... I just feel like
this is not the kind of guy
that I feel like
would save my life.
Like, this guy's not... Like,
light-skinned Tyson Beckford
is not gonna jump
in front of a bullet for me.
Like, I need somebody
like Danny Trejo
-to protect me from crime,
you know? -SPADE: Oh, yeah.
I don't need a bodyguard.
-I need a body scarred already,
you know? -SPADE: Yeah.
You need a guy
looks like Richard Jewell
-but knows karate or something.
-Yeah.
This guy looks like a guy
who's pretending
to be a bodyguard to hit on her.
It feels like a romantic comedy
from the '90s.
-He...
-(laughter)
-Like... Like, he's...
-(applause)
I don't like...
'Cause he looks too cool.
-I want to pop,
know what I mean? -DILLON: Yeah.
-Yeah. -I don't want...
I want to shine.
You get... I'm not even looking
at the feathers.
-I'm looking at him.
-Yeah.
Yeah.
A bodyguard should be,
like, a guy like me
who looks like he would want
to protect you but couldn't.
-SPADE: Yeah.
-TIANA: No.
-That type of...
-Nate, you have a bodyguard.
-You've been blowing up.
-Yeah, I have a bodyguard.
No, I don't. I...
But I have a buddy
that would be my bodyguard.
-A guy I grew up with.
-SPADE: Oh, yeah?
And he would...
If I killed someone,
he would be fine with it.
And that would be...
He would handle it.
-TIANA: Is it... -I feel like
if Cardi B killed someone...
Isn't that the point
of a bodyguard? To help you.
-Yeah.
-To bury a body?
-I don't know if I think that.
-You think a bodyguard
-just helps you bury a body?
-Yeah.
-Yeah. -I think that would be
part of their thing.
-Did you not see the movie?
-Like, "I will protect you,
-and if you..."
-That's, like, a fixer.
You're thinking of a fixer.
-A fixer... Yeah.
-I bet you could pay
-to get them to do both.
-A bodyguard is to prevent...
A bodyguard is to prevent,
like, a guy like me
being in her dressing room...
-when she gets offstage,
you know? -Yeah.
-Yeah.
-Eating her shoe or something.
But some guys in the posse...
I think the fourth guy down
is, like, the fall guy
-for that kind of thing.
-DILLON: Yeah. -BARGATZE: Yeah.
He throw...
He gets rid of the bodies.
-He says it's him when
the drugs... -(Bargatze exhales)
BARGATZE:
It's just a lot of, like...
He's just very frustrated.
Like, every time...
Every time he answers the phone,
just like...
(exhales)
"All right. Uh..."
-SPADE: Yeah.
-It's just nothing...
-SPADE: Never a great...
-It's the worst stuff ever.
