This programme contains
some strong language.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Good evening and welcome to
Have I Got News For You.
I'm Jo Brand.
In the news this week...
In Japan, games designers
claim to have created
a virtual reality headset
which recreates
Theresa May's Brexit
negotiation experience.
SHE SCREAMS
SHE SCREAMS
In east London, there are fears that
after being released from prison,
one of the Hatton Garden robbers
has gone back to his old ways.
LAUGHTER
And there's an awkward moment
in a brasserie in Paris
when the food comes out
before it's properly cooked.
LAUGHTER
On Ian's team tonight
is a woman who describes herself
as "mainly vegan". Me, too -
if it wasn't for the
fish, meat, chicken and dairy,
I'd be totally vegan!
Please will you welcome Grace Dent.
APPLAUSE
And with Paul tonight is a comedian
who says, "I grew up on a farm
"where you were confronted
by horrific things."
Like no broadband!
Will you please welcome
Kiri Pritchard-McLean.
APPLAUSE
And we start with
the biggest stories of the week.
Ian and Grace, take a look at this.
Now, that's Strictly!
Dominic Raab.
And that's the timetable.
The passing of time.
The big news tonight is,
there is no news. Yes.
LAUGHTER
Which you get used to, with Brexit.
At the beginning of the week,
we were all incredibly excited.
"The deal is going to happen,
the deal's going to happen,
"the deal's going to happen."
No, it isn't.
So we're waiting now,
because there's going to be
an extension to
the extension period.
I see you as an expert in this.
Is there any...?
I'm a Gove-style expert.
LAUGHTER
Is there a chance that...
Is there a chance
that we could just keep on leaving
for the next 20 years,
a little bit like Turkey,
who are trying to get in
and have been for 20 years?
I think that's a really good plan.
And it's certainly better
than anything else on the table!
LAUGHTER
It strikes me that we had a vote
in the mid-'70s
to join the European Union.
And then we had a vote
two years ago to come out.
So that's 1-1.
LAUGHTER
So now we're into extra time! Yeah.
The decider's coming up.
Must be.
We don't know when,
but I think it is coming!
Speaking as someone
who gets extra time on exams,
all that happens is you have
a bit longer to sit there and go,
"Why didn't I prepare for this?
I knew it was coming!"
LAUGHTER
Are you suggesting
the Government didn't prepare?!
I'm suggesting they probably have
the same kind of
learning difficulties that I do!
LAUGHTER
This is the news that everyone's
enjoying Brexit so much,
we might extend it until 2022.
What set Theresa May's
alarm bells ringing on Monday?
There was a mini rebellion.
The "Pizza Plot". Yeah.
Oh! It's like gunpowder, except
with sort of pepperoni and...
They got together and they ordered
pizza and talked about her.
Oooh! Ooh!
Well, actually, the Sun were almost
as good as you at explaining it.
Let's...
LAUGHTER
Let's just...
They revealed it was
called the Pizza Plot...
LAUGHTER
That's quite helpful, isn't it?
Who's in the Pizza Plot,
then, do we know?
It's all the extreme Brexiteers.
Indeed. So that includes
Sajid Javid, Esther McVey
and Penny Mordaunt.
She likes a stuffed crust. And...
Thin and crispy,
or Jacob Rees-Mogg, as he's known?
LAUGHTER
And also, an excited source
told the Mail on Sunday...
What was the sauce?!
Hey!
LAUGHTER
Have you ever thought
about doing stand-up?
No. Just as well.
Anyway... No, listen... They...
An excited source
told the Mail on Sunday...
And if we just.... Yes!
There it all is, not secret at all.
I think it sounds cute.
Doesn't it sound like a sleepover?
Like, they're all just sat there
and one of them spins the bottle.
I'd watch that!
What, with Chris Grayling in there?
Yeah!
I'm amazed he was there.
Don't know what transport he took.
LAUGHTER
What did Michael Gove's wife,
Sarah Vine,
suggest male Cabinet ministers
should stop doing
in order to negotiate a Brexit deal?
Let's have a look.
She is tenacious, she is calm,
she just does plough on.
I mean, I think it would be
quite nice if all the men
stopped shouting and screaming
and waving their willies around,
and maybe just gave her
a bit of a hand.
LAUGHTER
It's obviously
a lot more interesting
in Cabinet than I thought!
I know what she means. You must
have heard "willy waving" before.
I have heard of it as a phrase. Yes.
It was an Olympic sport until 1930.
LAUGHTER
Surely there must be
a bit of willy waving
inside the Private Eye offices?
LAUGHTER
Do you have any women in there?
Sorry? Any women?
LAUGHTER
He's got an office in the middle
of Soho, of course he has.
LAUGHTER
One of the perks!
The Department of International
Trade has been trying to help
to reduce the stress of the Brexit
negotiations on their staff. How?
Foot massage.
Yoga?
Mindfulness.
That is included, but where
would this mindfulness take place?
In a spa? In a something room.
Locked, padded cell?
It's called a...
Oh, yes. What can you do
in a tranquillity room?
Listen to soft pan-pipe music?
You can make a mindfulness jar.
You have to...
Does Gwyneth Paltrow sell one?
If you can get it up your vagina,
she will.
LAUGHTER
Shall we do
a psychological experiment on you?
I think we should.
OK. Yes, OK. Absolutely.
Right, now, I'm going to
show you some pictures. Yeah.
You've got to tell me,
do you prefer the top line
or the bottom line?
Ian?
I think I prefer the top line.
Okey dokey.
GRACE: The top line is
definitely more soothing.
KIRI: Bottom line. Right. Paul?
I'd say the top line, as well,
because at least they're finished.
OK.
LAUGHTER
Well, if you like the top line,
you're a Leaver.
And if you like the bottom line,
you're a whingeing Remoaner,
apparently. Excellent!
Well, that's what research says.
That should shut the critics up!
That's what researchers say
at Oxford University.
Money well spent, chaps.
What is Brexit being used for,
as an excuse for not doing?
Anything that involves
forward planning?
Kicking somebody out.
Oh, kicking Bercow out. Oh. Yeah.
They had a debate about bullying...
That's right.
..and the shocking behaviour
that's been going on in Parliament.
And it all got a bit awkward,
because he was obviously
the Speaker,
and he is one of the people
who are accused.
KIRI: There's, like, this horrible
toxic masculinity culture
in Parliament.
Who would have thought
just a group of public school boys
would behave badly
when they're put together?
It's unreal, isn't it?
Doesn't sound likely to me!
LAUGHTER
But they still say that John Bercow
can't go because he is
absolutely the best man
in the country for the job.
And the Labour Party is very keen
on keeping Bercow in. Mm-hm.
Which is quite embarrassing,
because the Tories, on the whole,
would throw him out.
But he's said he's going
to have an extension period,
a sort of transition.
LAUGHTER
You know, implementation
over the next couple of years.
And he'll be gone by the time
most people are dead.
I think you need, like, a single mum
with, like, a half-hour window
who's had, like, no sleep and
she's, "Right, sit down, shut up,
"listen to what they've got to say,"
and she'd just
rattle through it all,
and she'd do it all
with baby sick on her.
It would be absolutely amazing.
Do you want to know what
Dame Margaret Beckett said?
I won't sleep tonight unless I do!
LAUGHTER
She said...
..basically, summing up a whole
two years of news in one sentence,
there we are.
And in Dame Laura Cox's report,
a number of people complain
of being shouted at inside
the House of Commons and told,
"You're fucking useless."
I think that's being shouted
from outside the House of Commons.
APPLAUSE
This is the ongoing
Brexit negotiations.
At a meeting in Brussels this week,
27 EU leaders enjoyed a dinner
lasting two hours.
It was awkward when the bill came
as they tried to work out
who owed what until they realised
Britain could just pay for it all.
There was at least some good news
for Theresa May.
On the 28th of this month
the clocks go back,
so she's got a whole extra hour to
try and sort out the Irish border.
Now, unless Theresa May
compromises on her Brexit plan,
the DUP have threatened
to "bring down the government".
I would've thought the DUP
would be in a better mood this week
now that, legally, they don't have
to bake any cakes for homosexuals.
Paul and Kiri, take a look at this.
Harry and, um, what's her name?
Meghan.
Meghan. They're in Australia,
doing good work,
and she's handing him some herbs.
Sniff it, don't smoke it.
That's terrifying!
The most terrifying thing
is that the man's
being operated by the doll.
That's the terrifying thing
about it.
So, yes, there's two
royal stories there, is it?
There's the trip to Australia
and there's a royal baby.
Somebody's having a baby.
Oh, they're having a baby.
Yeah, that's it. Yeah. I always
assume if it's people I don't know
it must be the Kardashians.
This is the wonderful news
for royal watchers
that Prince Andrew is one
more step away from the throne.
Well, how are the royal couple
holding up?
She's doing amazingly,
she shut a car door on her own
and everything, in her condition.
It's wonderful.
Apparently one royal source
told the Express...
You wait till he has to tell
the baby about his two grandads.
Um...
LAUGHTER AND GROANS
I like it when they do that. Yeah.
How did ITV get the inside scoop
about the possible sex
of the baby?
They used an inside scoop?
LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH
That's a bit off, isn't it?
They've guessed the possible sex
of the baby
using Felix the psychic cat.
Of course, of course.
How stupid of us not to get that.
He has quite a good success rate,
he's 50-50 on this kind of thing.
Yeah.
Let's have a look at him
and how he managed it.
Felix the psychic cat. That's not
Felix, that's Lorraine Kelly.
Or is it? He doesn't do impressions
as well, does he?
Phoenix is now going to predict
the sex of the royal baby.
OK, here we go.
OK, Phoenix, can we come
and can we have a little look,
Phoenix? OK, here we go.
Is it going to be...? Is
Harry and Meghan going to have
a baby girl or a boy?
Oh, my goodness, it's a girl.
He was straight in there.
It's a girl. Straight in there.
But there's nothing
in the other bowl!
What is the bad news
for the newborn?
Ninth in line to the throne. Oh.
Isn't he ahead of Eugenie
and Prince Tequila,
or whatever his name is?
He's not HRH.
That's right. He's HRT? He's...
LAUGHTER
Yeah, I don't understand it,
but he's not going
to be a royal baby,
even though he's seventh in line
to the throne. It says...
Like Duke Ellington
or the Dukes Of Hazzard, I suppose.
But, I mean, this announcement's
great news
for royal merchandise sellers.
What item unexpectedly sold out
this week?
Was it the purple folder that she
was holding in front of the bump?
It was. Yeah.
Office supplies sources
have claimed that Meghan...
After the...
Here she is.
She could've covered it with
my book, which comes out today!
Ta-dah!
APPLAUSE
So, yes, what's Harry given up
to be more supportive to Meghan?
The Army. No.
Is it ket?
Is it what?! Oh, ket!
Do you know what that means?
You don't know what you're
talking about, do you, Ian?
No, it was MDMA.
Has he given up drinking?
He has indeed.
Let's go to Australia, anyway.
How did Australia's Channel 9 Today
welcome the happy couple down under?
Did they have loyal viewers
dressed up as kangaroos
throwing boomerangs at them?
Covered in Vegemite? No,
cos that would've been good.
Let's have a look.
COMMENTATOR: That is
the royal flight, we understand,
British Airways flight coming in,
and we can safely assume at this
point of the morning, at 6.05,
the royals have...
..just touched down in Sydney.
Big round of applause, everyone.
APPLAUSE
Thank you.
Well, that's nice, but the only
problem is, they actually flew in
on a Qantas flight. But...
Meghan chatted with
super fan Daphne Dunne who,
according to Meghan, is...
Bit of a kick in the teeth
for Germaine.
Channel 9's Today programme
had a question for her
after she also met Harry.
Let's have a look.
Can you ask Daphne
what he smelled like?
Was it a summer breeze?
I'm not sure this is appropriate,
but Kyle would like to know
what Prince Harry smells like.
Oh, quite nice.
So Prince Harry smells quite nice.
Hold the front page.
Anyone here smelt Prince Harry? Yes.
No. What did he smell like?
Vomit, beer and cannabis. Thank you.
APPLAUSE
That clears that up.
But it could've been me
because it was in a tight phone box.
While on one of their
75 engagements in 17 days,
Harry and Meghan were
introduced to two things
that were named after them.
Do you know what they were?
Yes, they had some koalas
named after them.
Yeah, let's have a look.
Ah, there she is.
Which I think are quite similar
to the royal family -
they're good for tourism, they're
always encouraged to have babies,
a lot of chlamydia
that no-one talks about.
Very similar.
Is that a big problem for koalas?
Yeah! Really?
Yeah, he knows. Mm.
To my personal cost.
Well, they told me it
was a petting zoo,
and I didn't know any different!
LAUGHTER
Apparently they might have upset
Sarah Ferguson,
who began tweeting pictures from
her daughter Eugenie's wedding.
What were guests fighting
on the day?
The weather? The weather was bad.
Indeed it was.
The wind... The wind. Oh, the wind.
Let's have a look at that wind.
Well, we can't see it
but let's have a look anyway.
GRACE: Is that Robbie Williams?
That is Robbie Williams. Is that...
I think that's Robbie Williams' mum,
I think.
Oh, the hat's blown off.
Well, there you go... Oh, look.
Oh! The hat's blown off.
I suppose it's one step away from
the French Revolution.
LAUGHTER
Did anyone here camp out overnight
to beat the crowds?
Yes, I did. Did you? I was in
Aberdeen. There was nobody there.
LAUGHTER
Apparently only three people did.
Oh, no!
Yeah. Jamie Howe, a souvenir seller,
told the newspaper,
I don't know which one...
And how did Fergie nearly
upstage the bride?
Parachuted in?
Erm... Jet propelled?
She was late, was she?
She was six minutes late,
and her hat also invited comment.
GRACE: Because she looks like
Stripe from the Gremlins.
She pointed out the emergency exits.
LAUGHTER
Well, apparently it was compared to
the Golden Snitch in Harry Potter.
What did you say she looks like? She
looks like Stipe from the Gremlins.
Is that a good character? No!
How much did all of this cost?
The public bill was £2 million,
which is more or less what it cost
to guard Anjem Choudary.
OK. So take your pick.
One terrorist, 800 guests.
I don't know what the police
are doing, really.
Just thought I'd bring the house
down a little.
Aren't you going to do any more
of your Anjem Choudary material?
LAUGHTER
I've got hours of it.
OK... He toured a one-man show
with it.
One-man show - that's the number
of people who turn up.
Well, this is the very exciting news
of Meghan's first child.
At the same time as the pregnancy
was announced, it was also revealed
that Meghan had baked some banana
bread, leaving Mail Online to ask...
I don't know, love her father?
AUDIENCE: Ooooh!
Everyone, that one.
Talking about the baby,
the Mail's royal expert said...
So it's hard to tell at this stage
how Universal Credit
will affect him.
Guests at Eugenie's wedding
included...
I bet Spielberg was happy
to get into that family,
just to break it up a bit.
Well, they had two tables and
that was just for the name cards.
So, as you say, no relation
to Steven, by the way.
How do you know? I've checked it.
I bet you didn't.
I fucking did, Ian.
APPLAUSE
And that's how Private Eye
is edited every fortnight.
A little insight there.
A little insight.
APPLAUSE
Fly on the wall.
And so to round two,
the strength-o-meter of news.
Fingers on buzzers, teams,
and here's the first one.
BUZZER
Can we get an electrician
to look at Ian's light? Yeah.
Doesn't seem to be working
for the last 17 years.
This is Daniel Craig,
who's got a new baby there
and he's carrying the baby around
in, I don't know what it's called,
is it called a papoose, or...?
It is.
It is? OK. And this drew
the attention of Piers Morgan,
who's got a berth on
This Morning now.
So he, in an effort
to make himself part of the news,
has heavily criticised Daniel Craig
for doing something
which looks eminently sensible.
He said it emasculated him, though.
Was that not the exact words?
Yeah. I don't think the baby
could reach that far, to be honest.
That's why he's got him up there.
He's no mug, Daniel Craig,
he's no mug.
Shall we just look at exactly
what he tweeted? Yeah.
But by bringing the word
"emasculated" in,
it meant that lots of men
who have used a papoose
wanted to say that
this made them more masculine,
which therefore led to days
and days of willy waving.
A lot of people posted pictures
of themselves with a papoose. Yes.
Have you seen my Instagram?
Anyone here carried anyone
in a papoose?
No. Well, not human, no.
Was it a koala? That's the one!
Ian? Yeah, I did when
the children were little.
Your children? Yeah. Right.
He had to narrow it down.
Narrow it down.
What is Piers Morgan's acceptable
alternative to a papoose?
A briefcase.
LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH
That's manly!
His wife carrying the baby?
Well, apparently it's arms.
Miming holding a baby, he said...
But what if you're holding a child
in your arms and you want a fag?
What you do is,
you put the fag in the baby's mouth
and suck through its ear. Oh!
Going to give that a go.
Give it a go, it's worth it.
Now, that's the book
I'd like to read -
Merton's Guide to Childcare.
Exactly.
Who leapt to Daniel Craig's defence?
The Hollywood actor Chris Evans.
But also closer to home,
a British comedian.
Well, it was Harry Hill, everyone.
Oh, yes. Yes.
He had the perfect response
to Piers being a clown
by throwing a foam pie
in Piers's face.
Let's have a look.
This pie is for all those men
that wear papooses.
Oh!
Well, Morgan laughed it off,
but according to the Express,
once the show ended he was...
Snowflake!
LAUGHTER
Now, why have fashion
designers Fendi
faced some criticism this week?
They've done a...
Is it a scarf or a coat
that looks like...
It's a scarf. ..you're being born,
is the polite way of putting it.
Let's have a look at it.
Oh, my God.
It reminds me of somebody,
but I can't think who it is.
I love the shading on the hair.
It's like Noel Edmonds' beard.
Well, if you're wondering
how to wash it,
Gwyneth Paltrow
recommends steaming it.
On its website,
Fendi describes itself as
a brand famous for scarves and...
I've never heard it
called that before.
So... I'm going to say...
If anyone ever says to me,
"What does Prince Harry smell like?"
I'm going to say,
"A delicate foulard."
This is the Twitterstorm in a teacup
over Daniel Craig wearing a papoose.
Here is 007 with his papoose.
James Bond really is
a cold bastard -
anything to stop a bullet.
Now, according to BBC News...
As we know, Donald Trump
doesn't condone fathers
being that close to their children.
If they're Mexican, he doesn't
even let them in the same cage.
SOME GROANING
That's four in a row
you've done now. I know, quite bad.
Do you want to go for the holiday?
Yeah, all right.
Fingers on buzzers, teams,
here's the next one.
BUZZER
The Army's worried that
its recruits are too fat. Indeed.
They're lucky to have
any recruits at all
cos they outsourced it to Capita.
Who are meant to recruit people
and they haven't.
So all the Army have got
are some fat people.
And that's not very good
for the sort of
running about sort of bits
of the war.
It helps to have people
who can do it a bit faster.
They might help in
certain circumstances.
Say there was a flood,
they could all lie down.
What, as sandbags?
Yes, that's what I mean.
Now, responding to
a Freedom of Information request,
the government revealed that one
in ten British soldiers are obese,
which is a total of 18,000 troops.
"The figures are very concerning,"
said the spokesperson
for the National Obesity Forum,
Mr Fry.
What measures are the Armed Forces
taking to reduce the problem?
They're giving them, like,
diet plans and things like that
and some of them have been
given gastric bands.
So now it means
that the weight standards
are stricter to get in Little Mix
than they are to get in the Army.
It's very thorough.
We've also apparently heard that
they've been given Fitbit bracelets.
I've actually got a Fitbit.
I think they're brilliant
because I don't like to do more
than 100 steps a day so it really...
..keeps my exercise down.
Right, and why will none of this
matter in the future anyway?
The next war will be nuclear.
Well, apparently a government report
has warned that within 30 years,
our military will be populated by...
Military recruits of the future
will be able to...
When you've been married a long
time, as I have,
people always say to you, you know,
you know what your
partner's thinking. Pfft!
I haven't got a clue
what my husband's thinking.
Not since waterboarding
was made illegal anyway.
Now, carbs aside,
what else has the British military
been told to cut down on this week?
Booze. It's their use
of acronyms. Oh.
It's been revealed
that the Armed Forces
have a handbook with over
370 pages worth of acronyms.
KFC.
That's the top one.
A source told The Times that Defence
Minister Stuart Andrew...
..which he then has
to look up in the book.
In the spirit of the MoD's fetish
for baffling abbreviations,
let's play a little game of
WTF Does That Mean?
Yes. OK?
First one,
what do we think DVD stands for?
BUZZER
Digital versatile disc.
No. No? Well, in an army context.
Oh, are they all military? Oh, in an
Army context. They're all military.
Yeah. Sorry. Oh, well!
Do you not want to play any more?
No, I don't.
Shall I just tell you?
Yeah, go on, then. All right.
Next one, SHED.
"Sarge, here's Emily Dickinson."
Special Handling
and Evaluation Detachment.
Well, that's wrong. Oh.
That sounds exciting, though,
doesn't it? Yep.
I'll tell you, one good game
I like to play is
I like to text teenagers
weird abbreviations,
because you know teenagers use,
like, "lol"
and all that sort of thing?
That's quite tedious.
I think older people
need to have their own,
so I often text teenagers
with ones I've made up,
like, um, CRB is a good one.
"Cystitis really bad."
TLL - "Tena Lady leaked." Try it.
This is the news that one in ten
service men and women are obese.
For those related to Army personnel,
it's the worst fear.
A knock at the door to be told
by a ranking officer that they're
terribly sorry but your son has been
lost in the war against obesity.
But they will be recommending,
though, he be posthumously awarded
the Victoria sponge.
OK, fingers on buzzers, teams.
BUZZER
This is a painting.
It's inside the White House and
a Trump fan has sent it to him
and he's had it framed and put up
and it's obviously a picture
of him surrounded by great men.
KIRI: It looks like a jigsaw
you'd find in a Christian hostel.
It really does. It really does.
Or, like, a commemorative mural
on a golf club
for all the members
who died of heart attacks
while boffing their mistresses.
Ever the charmer, Trump also
ended a disagreement
with interviewer Lesley Stahl
like this. Do you want to see it?
Yeah, let's have a look. Great.
But even the way you ask me a
question, like, about separation...
Yeah. When I say Obama did it,
you don't want to talk about it.
No... And when I say I did it,
let's make a big deal of it.
I'm going to run your answer,
but you did it four times.
I'm just telling you that you
treated me
much differently on the subject.
I disagree, but I don't want to have
that fight with you. Hey, it's OK.
I want to have another fight
with you. Lesley, it's OK.
In the meantime,
I'm president and you're not.
SHOCKED LAUGHTER
That is the definitive argument.
PAUL: He's got a small flag on his
lapel to remind him which country
he's currently ruining.
There's a face you could never get
tired of punching, isn't it?
Who is Trump being nicer
to this week?
The Saudis. Absolutely.
Because he's very keen that they
should carry on buying more weapons,
although he's misrepresented
how much they've actually bought.
He's claiming ten times more than
it actually is. Absolutely.
Saudi Arabia,
who still stand accused
of the state-sponsored murder of
US journalist Jamal Khashoggi.
Last week, Trump said that if found
guilty, Saudi Arabia could face...
However, on Monday,
following a phone call
with King Salman of
Saudi Arabia, Trump said...
He does this. It's like when he
phoned... When he met Putin.
He said he thought
the Russians did it
and then he met him for five minutes
and said, "No, I spoke to him.
"He told me he didn't."
Oh, well, that's it, then.
I mean, if the Saudis said they
didn't do it, they obviously didn't.
He puts a lot of faith in somebody
who strongly denies something.
If they strongly deny it,
that's good enough for him. Yes.
He says that this is
just another case
of guilty until proven innocent.
That was his exact words.
Well, he also added to that line...
I don't know,
the King of Saudi Arabia?
Now, Donald wasn't the only Trump
to be interviewed this week.
What did Melania Trump claim
in an interview?
She's being held prisoner.
Is this when she said she was the
most bullied person in the world?
Yes, that's right. Absolutely.
A real insight into her marriage,
isn't it?
Well, here's Donald trying to be
nice to her
by praising her TV performance.
And she did a great job on
television the other night.
And I didn't do so bad either, but
she did a great job on television.
Thank you, everybody.
Good umbrella work going on there
as well.
OK, time now for
the Odd One Out Round.
It's just one between you this week.
Your four are Benjamin Netanyahu,
Titus Andronicus,
Jamie Oliver
and the Queen.
BUZZER
I'm with a restaurant critic,
so I'm going to defer.
So, the Queen has certainly been
looking for,
like, an in-house chef. Really?
Titus Andronicus, now, didn't he
bake his enemies into a pie?
His enemies' children.
Aren't the Netanyahus in trouble
because his wife allegedly
fiddled her expenses and something
about in-house catering.
Yeah, I love the "allegedly".
HE CHUCKLES
We're miles from Israel,
what are their lawyers like?
Which is the odd one out, then?
Jamie.
So far off the mark. Oh!
Titus Andronicus was the inspiration
behind the family bucket.
They've all offended someone.
Oh. And I'll give you even more
of a clue -
it is something to do with food.
Jamie Oliver offended people because
he, like, appropriated jerk rice
but it wasn't actually jerk rice,
he was just... Correct. Yeah.
What are the ingredients for that?
SLOWLY RISING LAUGHTER
Simple question. You're making it up
yourselves over there.
Well, the Queen doesn't
do any baking,
doesn't do any cooking, does she?
So she must be the odd one out.
There's a food that
the Queen's offended by.
She is the odd one out.
Yes, is it... She hates garlic.
She's banned it from
the palace. Correct.
She has, that's absolutely right.
But Prince Philip
absolutely loves it. He does.
They've all offended someone
with their food except the Queen
who is so offended by garlic that
she's banned it from the palace.
What food has Netanyahu
offended people with?
He offended the Japanese
Prime Minister when he had him
round for dinner because
he served him a dessert in a shoe.
As in... Not a choux pastry,
in an actual shoe that you... Yeah.
And Prince Philip, as we know,
feels rather put out about
the Queen banning garlic.
The former royal chef
Darren O'Grady said,
if we were at Balmoral
and the Queen was out...
Well, I suppose that's one of
the perks of the job, isn't it?
LAUGHTER
See, you're doing it again,
aren't you? You're doing it again.
Perfectly innocent remark but
you're turning it into naughtiness.
Ought to be ashamed of yourselves.
Jamie Oliver, we have covered him.
He's offended people
with his jerk rice. Mm-hm.
His defence was...
Great news for shareholders
in Jamie's Italian.
Who took particular offence
at the dish?
It was Labour MP Dawn Butler
who tweeted to say
Jamie Oliver's rice...
Having wisely deleted her first
draft saying, "It's not Kosher."
They've all offended someone with
their food except the Queen
who is so offended by garlic
that she's banned it in the palace.
This is according to former
royal chef Darren O'Grady
who's been spilling the beans,
which is actually how he lost his
job in the first place.
The former royal chef also
revealed that the Queen and
Prince Philip choose their meals...
That's optimistic.
OK, time now for the Missing Words
Round which this week features
as its guest publication
The Morris Dancer.
Oh, hooray.
Yeah, the good news is they can't
sneak up on you to sell a copy.
And we start with...
"It's actually a better read than
some other books by celebrities
"coming out this Christmas."
"Is not worth reading."
Er, that's not far off, actually.
This is from a review in
The Morris Dancer that starts...
That's the most optimistic
sentence I've ever read.
Next...
"Hunt launched for criminal
who stole a pack of beagles,
"12 redcoats and a trumpet."
It's one of those ones where he just
did something stupid to a statue.
He put googly eyes on a statue, OK?
That's a nicer story. Here it is.
That's the kind of bust
you have in an Airbnb
that you know you're being
filmed in.
Next...
I know this one. It's "Doritos".
Well, it says "crisps" here, but...
No, no, no, no. It was Doritos.
It actually is Doritos.
I do beg your pardon.
Pork scratchings would be a bit...
That wouldn't be right.
This is police in California
who had to use Doritos
to encourage an escaped
pig back to his pen.
Here they are in action.
Yeah, he's got just enough white
bits not be shot on sight.
GROANING
Next...
"Urinating on Trump."
Oh, that would be a lovely job.
"Morris dancing analysis."
Is it "Miss Novichok"?
Er...
Svetlana Logunova is the town of
Zelenogradsk's official cat chief,
tasked with dealing with
all the strays.
All she's been given is...
Plus I'd imagine a sack
and some bricks.
GROANING
Hey, I must have got about
nine of those tonight. Yeah.
I'm so proud!
Next...
"Not inventing Jaeger bombs."
If only.
They wrapped their heads
in something.
GRACE: They used to wrap their
heads in cabbage.
They wrapped their heads in cabbage.
Correct. Well done.
Good fact!
What a ridiculous idea, though.
Others suggested remedies are...
Pass me the cabbage leave.
And last...
Lastly... That often leads to...
One thing leads to another
with a cabbage leaf.
Look at the stalk on that.
And finally....
"Jacob Rees-Mogg, babe magnet."
I thought it was "Google tax".
Morris dancing.
Yes! Oh. Oh.
This is an article from
The Morris Dancer which claims that
if you really want to learn more
about Morris dancing
then, rather than use Google,
you should read their publication.
Well, it has got more articles
than you can shake a stick at.
Final scores are....
..Ian and Grace have six.
Paul and Kiri, ooh,
just edged ahead with seven. No!
APPLAUSE
I'm so sorry. Great, well done.
And I leave you with the news that,
after yet another Brexit proposal
is blocked by the EU,
Theresa May says she's open
to ideas from any source.
In Wandsworth, a dejected resident
leaves a planning meeting having
been denied permission for a tyre
on a rope at the back of his house.
And in Gloucestershire,
as the weather turns colder,
the Duchess of Cornwall is
thinking about getting a new hat.
Goodnight.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
