sigh
Hello everybody! I don't know about you, but
New Years is always a rough time for me.
Because it always  gives me a chance to
reflect on things
I haven't done. Now I know that a lot of people think of 
the new year as being a positive time, to wipe the slate clean,
it doesn't always work out that way for me.
I....tend...
to go through a little bit of seasonal
depression,
and New Year's always seems to bring to
light
to me everything that I didn't get done;
that I always had big plans for the year
and somehow I
didn't follow through for one reason
or another.
I mean, like last year, I wanted to end up
doing more videos on YouTube, my music and what not..
And while I did do a lot more videos 
that I normally did, they weren't nearly as
regular
or consistent as I wanted them to be.
Again, this year I'm hoping to change
that, and do some more ...
It's one of the reasons why I'm staring down
the lense
 of my camera and the Internet...
And hopefully into your computers screens...And hopefully, I'm not looking 
too weird by making long, constant eye contact...
Regardless!....
I tend to have mixed feelings
about New Year's and this year is
no different. In fact, the whole
depression thing has hit me harder than
it has a long time, and while I'm not
particularly sure why
that is, I definitely came...
across some things about myself that I
thought would be interesting
to share. One of the hardest things
about doing YouTube videos, is that it's a very raw
experience.
You know, you need to be
creative and
being a creative person, you're very
vulnerable.
You have to be open to express how
you're really feeling,
what you're thinking, but same time
you open yourself up to a lot of
criticism,
helpful or otherwise. On the same...
On the other hand, 
if you don't get any feedback, you...
At least I, tend to wonder did anybody
see?
Does anybody really care
about what I'm doing? It's really weird, I
mean, it's like a damned if you do damned
if you don't
sort of situation. Like, if you *DO* do
something and
you're proud of it, and people pour on the
hate or criticize it...up 
one side and down the other...
you feel... you can feel bad because
they're attacking your baby, 
your-- your criticism....your--your--um... I can't talk...
Attacking your baby, attacking
your creative being, as it were.
 on the other hand if you
don't get
any response or what not, it makes you
wonder...hmmmm.... 
Am I good enough? I mean,  
I know I'm not other level that people
are actually taking
notice my work, So... Am I kidding myself?
Am I good enough
to even do this? I mean, yeah, I understand
that people have told me that I have talent,
and I understand that people have told
me that they like my playing, 
buuuut if it doesn't go beyond
that, from a nice platitude of somebody
passing me by while I'm playing....
does that mean that time good, but not
good *ENOUGH*?
Whereas...
the people that are really succeeding,
the really talented ones; they have people coming out
of the woodwork, right and left,
mostly jealous, but people saying, "AWWW! They're
crap! Oh, I can do better than that!"
but......I Don't know...
it's just the... The dichotomy of the
creative mind.
We hate it when the haters hate on us,
but at least when the haters are hating on us,
 we know we're doing something right!
When we're not getting any attention,
it's hard to keep going...
and then the thoughts of
worry and self-criticism creep in...
and that's sort of what i've been going
through, the last.....
I don't know... Year or so?
Maybe even longer? Sometimes, I'm better
at it than others
and--other times, and
I don't know....
that's where I am right now.
But, in going through all...
Of THAT!
I made a very interesting discovery
about myself.
I tend to be more creative when I'm angry...
I don't know if that's a good thing or a
bad thing,
it all depends on how you use it. I know
I read the article not long ago
that Neil Gaiman wrote about how Terry
Pratchett was
mostly angry when he wrote all of his
wonderful works,
and...
He was able to channel it, and use it well.
Me? I get angry, and I get this idea that I
need to talk about or
do! And...
But, I don't like being angry 'cause I can
be a very
aggressive, and reactionary person
when I'm angry, so I've trained myself to calm down, and to
think about
rationally.,
Oftentimes, though, when I do calm down,
or I get out all of my information onto
paper or onto the computer, and then I take
a step back and then come back to it,
The anger has abated... but so has the drive
to create.
Which is really frustrating!
Especially if you don't create enough,
you're not going to be able to be seen,
and
then you won't be able to make money,
to be able to...
LIVE! So, I've been in this weird
downward spiral of,
Finding something that makes me angry,
Wanting to create something,
Sketching out an idea, writing it down, and coming
back to it...  
But that in my immediate emergency of
needing to
*DO* something has faded, so therefore
I am not
*AS* driven to do it (and then I feel bad
because I haven't done anything).
And then the negative head talk starts,
and it all goes down from there.
I have no idea if this is made any sense,
and I don't know how many will actually
be able to see this,
but,
as a way to get over my creative block,
I'm recording this video, and I hope it helps
someone out there, because
I'm sure I'm not the only one who feels
that way, and
by putting out there, I want to let you know
you're not alone. 'Cause I'm sure that....or at least I hope
I'm not alone.
Because, I can't be the only one who
feels this way, right?
Anyway,
hopefully, by the time I make another
video, it'll be a little bit less of a 
downer. So, I hope that your New Year's
was better than mine, and let's hope *THIS*
New Year be one to remember...BYE...
