(laughter)
I tell you something
about me up front.
I'm not a tough person.
(laughter)
Don't let this cashmere sweater
fool you.
I'm a tender heart.
I don't get it
when people act tough.
I don't understand it.
To me, when you act tough,
you're just saying,
"Hey, I've been through a lot
of horrible stuff in my life,
"and I survived it,
and now, I'm ready
to attack anybody."
"Like a pit bull."
I want a demeanor that says,
"I've never been through
anything at all...
and I'm just a pug riding
a decorative pillow."
(laughter)
(applause)
"Where will I go today?
Who knows?
But I shall be carried."
(laughter)
(Ron giggles)
(audience laughs)
Oh, you like that giggle?
(laughter)
Not used to a large black man
that giggles
like a Asian princess?
(laughter, scattered applause)
That's just how I was made.
I don't like the cold at all,
I'll tell you that.
Like, I'm so tough,
I don't like winter at all.
It's too rough.
I'm a summertime boy.
I love the summer.
It's my favorite time
to just relax,
smoke a little pot.
That's my summer thing.
It's also my winter thing.
(laughter)
(whooping)
And it's creeping in on fall.
But there's always someone
that tries to make you feel bad
about what you enjoy.
I call these people my parents.
We have a weird relationship.
I kind of treat them
like a Wal-Mart,
which I'll explain.
It means I really don't like
going to them for any reason.
I'd prefer it
if they stayed out of my town.
(laughter)
But I get a strange satisfaction
from stealing from them.
(applause)
Okay.
I was worried
you guys were gonna narc on me.
♪ Towel's my best friend. ♪
(Ron giggles)
I live in Los Angeles now,
which I love very much.
I'm getting very
California'd out.
I've started meditating more.
Been working on my vision board,
writing my goals out,
trying to make the...
(laughter)
Why is that funny to you?
I'm just trying to share
my spiritual journey with you,
tell you about how
I'm taking my hopes and dreams
out of the atmosphere,
try to write them down
and make a reality.
I think that's brave.
I did find out
that most of my dreams are just
to own a Tempur-Pedic mattress.
But that's a solid purchase
for anyone.
And vision boards work.
I used one to find my new place.
My old place was okay,
but it had a couple of quirks.
The main ones being,
if I looked outside
my bedroom window
into the apartment complex
next door,
at 3:00 in the afternoon,
I'd see...
a naked Hispanic child
dancing his heart out...
to today's pop hits.
Every day.
And I was disgusted.
That I could only watch him
for five minutes
before I felt like a pervert.
'Cause I could've watched
that cinnamon angel all day.
(laughter, applause)
It's a delight.
I'm just a soft person.
I don't handle stress well
at all.
Can be just little things,
like going to the DMV,
or dealing with cops.
Or seeing identical twins
when you did not expect
to see...
That's terrifying.
Why do we live with that?
We're supposed
to be individual snowflakes.
But every now and then,
there's a direct copy
of one of us,
and we don't stab it
in the skull?
That's what you do with demons
and doppelgangers.
Okay, I'm willing to admit
that's a strong stance on twins.
