Tell her I said hello, I like her.
Yeah, she's great.
[Sona] Oh, I love you.
Oh my god, here she comes.
[Sona] I'm a huge fan.
She's a huge fan of yours.
I'm a huge fan of yours,
I think you're so funny.
Oh my god, first I love Nailed It,
but also every time you come on the show
and you make Conan just
so uncomfortable, so,
he's such a like repressed Irish Catholic.
It's my favorite thing.
I love you.
You're probably one of my favorite guests
that's ever been on the show, yeah.
Oh my, thank you.
[Sona] Yeah, it's so true.
Thank you.
So you love that Nicole
makes me uncomfortable
because I'm so repressed.
Yes.
All right good.
Nicole you are a single lady now.
Yeah, I'm trying to get (beep).
(laughs)
(applause)
Okay.
All I want is a big (beep).
(applause)
That's all I want.
(cheers)
I mean, if it's attached to a nice person,
okay, what a bonus.
You're looking for a nice
guy, I think you said.
Sure.
Not in that order.
No.
Nice can come last.
[Conan] Yeah.
Just ooh a nice deep.
[Conan] Oh, yes, yeah, yeah.
That's what I want.
(applause)
My wife's always assured
me that doesn't matter.
(laughs)
Maybe her order's different.
Yeah, yeah.
You know, nice first.
Yeah, yeah.
Big things last.
Oh, no, it's.
Or medium things.
Let's not assume.
I don't know, I don't know.
Let's not assume anything.
You told me once that you keep notes
on all the people you've dated.
Yes I do.
You rate them and you keep notes on them.
Yes.
What's in these notes?
I just go through the
date, did I have fun?
Was he creative, was he boring,
did he have a big (beep), was it curved?
Was it straight?
Wait a minute, wait a
minute, wait a minute.
It sounds like you have, you mention,
and then when you get to penis,
there's all these subcategories.
(laughs)
Yes.
Well, no penis is alike,
so you've gotta rate them,
you know.
So I have a memory of it,
so I can return back to
the Google Doc and be like,
ah, it's Tim.
Tim was curved to the left,
but Tim hit it good.
And do they know that you're
writing all this down,
at the moment when.
No I'm not insane.
No.
Can you imagine, I'm
just like riding him like
wait a second.
Yeah, okay, come on.
(laughs)
Okay.
(laughs)
Ooh.
The girls gave me a giant dildo as a gift.
[Conan] As a joke, yeah.
As a gift, I like them.
I have a few.
I said as a joke.
And you, but you appreciate the gift.
No, I love penises.
I have a penis earring in my ear
'cause I just love them so much.
But anyway, see.
Oh, I wasn't imagining things.
I love 'em.
I love 'em.
I thought I was seeing
that when it wasn't there.
No, it's there.
And I was questioning things.
No, it is.
I see penises everywhere.
(laughs)
So.
So she gave me this
giant dildo as a present
and I couldn't fit it into my luggage.
That's, it's that big?
It's like two feet tall.
It was huge.
And I was like, I'm just gonna
leave it in the rental car.
So.
(laughs)
I get to Budget Rental Car,
and I put it in the backseat,
and as I was getting
out, the guy looked in,
looked at me, looked in,
and then we had this
understanding that I was
leaving a present,
and then I walked away and
I heard him laugh so hard.
[Conan] Yeah.
And it brought me joy,
and I was like, maybe
this is my new thing,
I'll become like a dildo fairy.
I'm on five dating apps,
I'm on Tinder, Bumble, Raya,
Hinge, OK Cupid, that's six.
I'm sad.
(laughs)
It's so hard.
It's just, someone said aww.
Thank you.
(laughs)
Thank you.
That's someone who feels this.
Are you very open about what
it is you're looking for
when you're on social media?
Yes, my profile picture is me
holding like a foot long dildo.
(laughs)
I'm just like.
You know, be upfront with what you want.
Yes, yes.
Women, we just don't
tell people what we want.
Which is why we need to
be like, give it to me.
Right.
I'm right with ya.
(laughs)
I don't know.
I don't know what happens.
(laughs)
I think it's a remarkable
quality you have.
I grew up not liking
anything about myself,
and.
Why Conan?
You're tall, that's luxurious.
You have red hair.
How exotic.
You have all your teeth, what a treat.
I noticed you, I noticed
a tattoo when you came in,
you have a bicycle there.
You have a lot of tattoos?
I have, I think it's 15 now.
You have 15?
Mhm hmm.
Tattoos?
Mhm hmm.
And they're?
I hide them pretty well.
Oh yeah.
So, yeah, I've got a
bicycle, I have a pig,
I have an elephant, I have a flamingo,
on my butt I have a
lollipop, an ice cream cone,
and a cupcake that says
it's sweet, just taste it.
(laughs)
'Cause I thought it was so funny.
There should be a little asterisk
and then sort of on your
thigh it should say,
unless you're diabetic.
(laughs)
I'm just saying,
there should be a medical disclaimer.
All right, so that's.
That's one butt cheek.
The next one.
Oh.
(laughs)
That's one butt cheek.
That's one butt cheek.
So what's on the other butt cheek?
A chili pepper that says muy caliente.
(laughs)
My mother used to say
it takes more to frown
than it does to smile,
so I can be like (beep) you
with a smile on my face.
(laughs)
You know?
I probably shouldn't have said that.
Why does every question I ask you
go down a certain?
(laughs)
What is it?
I'm not saying you're wrong,
but I could've asked
you what's your favorite
thing about a rainbow, you know,
and you'd be like oh the (beep) colors.
(laughs)
If it goes differently.
And at the end of it there's a big (beep).
(laughs)
I mean, that would be
the best kind of rainbow.
Just like in the pot of gold,
you know with a duck tail
swimming in the coins,
getting (beep) in the coins.
Men have been so forward and
honest for such a long time.
Bosses would tell their secretaries,
like wear a shorter skirt.
How come I can't walk around and be like,
wear sweatpants all the time
so I can see your dick print.
Dick print is what it's called?
(laughs)
Yes, when men wear sweatpants,
they show you what
they're carrying around,
and it's a real treat.
At the airport, people
recognize me as a TSA agent.
Wait, do they really
think you're a TSA agent?
If you're a black woman in the airport,
you're a TSA agent.
(laughs)
Truly.
I had one woman, she went
through the metal detector,
she came back, she was
like, I forgot to take off
my flip flops.
And then she handed them to me.
(laughs)
And then I took them and
I put them in the bin,
I was like, she thinks I'm a TSA agent.
Then I walked through, and she was like,
they make you do that too?
And I said, yes they do.
It would've been funny if
you just hung out there.
You probably could've patted people down.
(laughs)
Ooh.
Then I'd go to jail and
there'd be like a terrible
article written on Vulture about me.
I was on a flight
from Louisiana to Atlanta
then heading back to LA.
And I was on the descent,
and I was very chilly, so
I said better cover up.
And I pulled out the blanket
out of this sealed plastic bag,
opened it, and a little
brown crumble falls on me.
I was like oh me oh my what has that be,
but I forge ahead because I'm chilly.
So I like open it more and I
see like this brown thing in it
so I drop it 'cause I was like
is it an animal, what is it?
So then I open it with my foot,
this man's staring at me,
first class thank you.
And.
(laughs)
The smell hits me,
and I was like, oh my god, oh my god,
I think that's a piece of poop.
And then we landed and I went
up to the flight attendant
and I was like do you have hand sanitizer,
I think there's a piece
of poop in my blanket.
He was like girl, no.
And I was like yes girl, yes go look.
And he goes, he looks,
and he goes oh my god,
I gotta get my phone.
(laughs)
So he gets his phone,
he's snapping pictures.
Passengers are like oh my word, wow.
And I was like, I know.
And then I had to like
make my connecting flight,
so I tweeted at Delta,
they were like we'll give
you 250 Delta dollars,
and I was like you give
people more to get off of
oversold flights,
there was poop in my
blanket, give me an airplane.
So both my parents, they're dead,
and neither one of them left a will,
so I was like I'm gonna be responsible,
I'm gonna leave a will.
But also my will has a ton
of stuff for people to do,
because after I die, I
really want you to have to
keep doing stuff for me.
You're giving people assignments?
Yes.
And the lady who notarized my will told me
I could not do that but I
was like, they don't know.
(laughs)
What kind of stuff is in there?
I can't say specific stuff
because it's a secret,
I keep hinting to my friends
what they have to do,
but I won't fully tell them.
But like I do want to be
in a flame casket with
purple and glitter, I want
to be in something slutty
so I die as I lived.
(laughs)
Also I want like a bunch
of guys I've slept with to
like rate me.
She was great, she rode me well.
[Conan] All right, no, no, no.
She kept that (beep) tight.
No, no, no, no.
Andy, no, that's not right.
Hey, it's her funeral.
Yeah, right.
I didn't realize that's
where the saying came from.
(laughs)
Right?
And then when I die
I'll have even more fun.
Yeah.
Where you going?
After I die?
[Conan] Yeah.
Hopefully to a place with lots of (beep).
[Conan] All right, what are you doing?
(laughs)
Conan, I adore you.
I think we're gonna have a great.
What's that mean Conan?
You and I have a chemistry.
What does that mean?
It just means it's undeniable,
you get around me and I get around you,
and you know what I'm saying.
Yeah, I can't wait to see you again Conan.
