- December 2, 1985
The debut of the world's greatest, most powerful rock band.
Born of desperation like so much great art,
Cold Slither was a broke Cobra Commander's last chance
to take over America
With beautiful riffs.
And subliminal messages.
- "Action!"
- "Cold Slither. You'll be joining us soon."
"A band of vipers playing our tune."
G.I. Joe was the first ever product marketed as an action figure
Launched by Hasbro in 1964,
the prevailing wisdom of the time was that boys wouldn't play with dolls.
So the Joes, while very doll-like,
were marketed as "America's movable fighting man."
- "Uh, this is the original 1964 patent-pending..."
- "...G.I. Joe."
The very similar Johnny Hero came out about a year later
but was marketing as a "boy's doll."
And that's why Channing Tatum does not star in a Johnny Hero doll movie.
G.I Joe evolved quickly.
Hasbro licensed the figures to the U.K, where they became known as Action Man,
and then to Germany, where they became the Action Team.
In the 1970s, there was an attempt to distance them from the actual American army,
which was fighting a rather unpopular war overseas.
And then they added a black guy --
and kung-fu grip.
- (singing) "Pretend there's trouble for G.I. Joe
- "You gotta get out your G.I. Joe"
- "'Copters waiting, time to go."
- "Gotta rescue G.I. Joe"
They also added life-like hair, which was evidently a
major selling point during the little-discussed great hair crisis of 1970.
- "G.I. Joe. Now with life-like hair."
- "From Hasbro."
In 1982, G.I. Joe evolved again
this time mimicking the size and hopefully success of 3 3/4 size Star Wars figures.
With the new look came a new tagline --
A Real American Hero.
- "Nothing can stop Cobra"
- "What about G.I. Joe?"
- (singing) "He'll fight for freedom wherever there's trouble"
- (singing) "G.I. Joe is there!"
- (singing) "G.I. Joe!"
Even though it was technically illegal to use a cartoon to
advertise for a toy until the mid 1980s
Hasbro launched the G.I. Joe mini-series in 1983,
and by 1985 it was a full-blown show.
[G.I. Joe theme song plays]
Created by Sunbow Productions,
the animation arm of the very same advertising firm
that co-engineered the G.I. Joe 1980s rebrand alongside Marvel,
the G.I. Joe cartoon launched these toys into the
toy stratosphere.
It ran for 95 episodes.
And one of those episodes, one perfect episode
was called "Cold Slither."
["Cold Slither" plays]
So the Joes raid Cobra's secret cave and bankrupt Cobra,
and proving that this cartoon was definitely made in the 80s
Cobra Commander's genius plan for getting all his money back
is called 'Operation Cold Slither.'
Start a band.
- "And how do I benefit from this?"
- "Here's how."
Enlisting Zartan and the Dreadnoks to record a song
that he will later insert subliminal messages into.
Cobra Commander has the band film a music video and soon the song
tops the charts!
Cold Slither are the world's most popular rock band.
And everyone is brainwashed.
- "Shout 'Long live Cobra!'"
- "Long live Cobra!"
- "Scrape the floor!"
- "Yes, master."
But don't worry!
By disguising themselves as groupies,
which is kind of messed up,
the female Joes take out the Dreadnoks and stop the subliminal messaging.
Everyone is saved.
But what about the crowd that spent all this money to come to a rock show
and now wants to hear something and party?
Don't worry,
the Joes have that one covered.
They have been a rock band,
secretly,
this entire time.
Classic.
But here's the thing -
Cold Slither actually still lives on inside the Transformers universe.
Also produced by Sunbow,
numerous early episodes featured an instrumental version of the Cold Slither's self-titled song.
It bangs on Jazz's radio,
Blaster enjoys it when he heads to a stadium show,
and it kills at the Dancitron.
Cold Slither
is everywhere.
Do you remember this episode?
Let us know in the comments
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every week.
We've got links to all the videos we've used in the description-
[Cold Slither plays]
- (voiceover) Listen to Cold Slither, listen to Cold Slither, listen to Cold Slither...
