 
A thousand days to change the world

By Greville Mills

Edited by Howard H Thomas

Acknowledgments:-

Thank you to:-

My Beta readers – your input has been invaluable

Howard who ensured you can read the 'words wot I rote'

Tricia for her never-ending love and support

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LWPT was formed in 2005 as a charity to provide support for all preachers and leaders of worship, aiming to provide not only financial support but also preaching resources, events and information. It is an ecumenical charity seeking to reach a wide denominational spectrum and relies totally on grants and personal donations for its work.

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Greville Mills © 2015

V2

#  Preface

A thousand days is roughly the time it takes for young people to get a university degree. Think about what happens in this time. For many it's the first prolonged time away from the family home. It's a time to make new friends and learn to become more independent; a time to learn without the encouragement of parent or teacher; a time to discover what sort of a person they have become. During this time there is an exponential learning process going on which can be seen in how much they have changed by the time they graduate, emerging into the wide world with a degree from which to launch their independent life. It's not a long time, but it sure is busy.

A thousand days is also the approximate amount of time that Jesus of Nazareth had as a time of ministry; a time to get his message of love and his teaching on how to live in the new kingdom across to the people living in that part of the world at that time.

So very little is known about the life of Jesus from just after his birth until he's about 30 when he appears with John to be baptised in the Jordan and then goes on to start his ministry. What was he like as a child? Was he just like all the other children or was he 'special' and in what ways 'different' to other children? What was he doing when he went out into that desolate place for forty days? What happened to him during this time? These and so many more questions have puzzled me and I'm sure have taxed the minds of many others, scholars or just casual enquirers who have been searching for the truth on their journey of faith.

Many have attempted to 'fill in' the gaps. There are some obscure and ancient letters written by followers and other writers at the time whose works have been dismissed as 'unauthenticated' by the church, but much more of what may have been written to shed light on the 'missing years' has been lost. So to write anything on this subject is the stuff of speculation and wonder; some may even say 'sacrilegious'. So I accept that what I write on this subject is fictional, but it's based around some authenticated writings supported by factual knowledge, and the intention is to help people have a greater understanding and perception of this wonderful man; what he did and, more importantly, why he did it.

But what if, (and it's a big IF) Jesus kept a journal of his thoughts; his worries, his concerns, his questions and his search for answers to those questions that he dared not ask another living soul? Even if he didn't write things down he would have had thoughts and ideas and dreams – just like we do. He would have had issues that kept appearing in his mind; churning them over, just like we do. Do you ever stop to wonder what these might have been, or do you imagine that he had a red phone-line to God? This has always intrigued me because, as we have always been led to believe, Jesus was both human and divine. There is much evidence within the Gospels that Jesus did struggle with issues; although they weren't spelled out as such, but we are aware that he had conflicts of the mind at particular points in time and at particularly critical times in his story.

What if we could get behind these issues to more fully understand what was going on and how he finally decided to follow the path we know he finally took. There is no doubt that he resolutely followed the path 'prescribed' by the words of the prophets from long before his time. Why was this so important?

This account is aimed at believers and 'enquirers'; an opportunity to fill in some gaps and to give some background information about the link between the Old and New Testaments, and to give a little insight into the sort of issues Jesus had to contend with on his journey to the end of his short but eventful life on earth.

"How can you contemplate putting your thoughts into the mind of God," I can hear some saying; "That he would ever think the way you think?"

We know that we can never be 'like' God, even though we know we are made in his image.

He came to earth as a human being so why do we assume he was any different from us in the way he thought things through; the way we tussle with thoughts and ideas; the way we try to find a rationale in things; the way we balance right from wrong; the way we try to discern what is motivated by our own thoughts and desires and what is God-derived. We have been granted 'free will' by God; the opportunity to choose between good and evil. Who is to know that Jesus was any different from us in this regard?

If we are born with 'free will', and Jesus was no different to us, was there any chance he would change his mind and 'bottle out' at any stage of the journey? We know of at least three occasions when he was tempted by the devil, and the strongest hint of a possible 'fall' was as he prayed in the garden of Gethsemane. "Yet not what I want, but what you want". (Matthew 26:39, Mark 14:36, Luke22:42 RSV).

This happens to each one of us every day of our lives as far as I can tell. But because we are human we're not as successful at resisting; which is what sets him apart from us, and it is the main reason why he died was so that we could have a fresh start; every day if necessary.

And here's an interesting point to note. Most of the stories of Jesus were written by an eye witness or by someone who knew an eye witness. Jesus was alone during his period of tempting, so why is it recorded in the Gospels of Matthew, Mark and Luke? It must have been something Jesus confided in his disciples so that it became part of the story. And this information is distinctly different from the fraction of knowledge we have of Jesus as a child, since this information could well have come from either his mother, Mary, or one of his siblings, James for example.

What did Jesus really know about his purpose? When did he finally know what he had to do or did he have a clear idea from the start?

For anyone who has struggled with the thoughts of any type of 'calling'; whether it be to ministry; mission overseas or to the homeless, or whatever, you will recognise the 'nagging' thoughts which return day after day until the issue has been addressed and finally resolved. Why would it have been any different for Jesus to finally resolve what his 'calling' was to be? What type of mission; what type of calling; how, when and where was he to be called and more importantly, why? Did he know he was to die; if so, did he know when it would be?

How did he decide the way to go about the task? Did he have any kind of special training, and if so what was it and who provided it? Why did he keep some things secret and why did the disciples struggle with understanding Jesus' purpose?

This book has been written as much for me to address and understand these issues as it has for you, but there still remain many unanswered questions, as I'm sure there are for you. It has been an intriguing journey; working out how things may have been, because at every step there has been some query as to reasoning.

This is my attempt to get a better understanding; an insight into how Jesus may have grappled with his task; of walking the line between humanity and divinity. Was it even a possibility? Was he one or the other, or even as we have been led to believe, both?

Whatever happened during that 40 day period spent in that waste and desolate part of Israel/Palestine determined what was to take place within the next 1000 days or so, because that is all the time Jesus had in which he would shape the world into what it has become today for the 2.1 billion Christian believers in a world of over 7 billion people.

Read and consider; decide for yourself. Remember this is fiction; Jesus' life was not.

# Contents

Preface

Chapter 1 Cool nights

Chapter 2 The neighbours

Chapter 3 John

Chapter 4 Daily routine

Chapter 5 Something remembered

Chapter 6 A visitor

Chapter 7 Bad night

Chapter 8 A dream

Chapter 9 Dawning

Chapter 10 My Family remembered

Chapter 11 Another life?

Chapter 12 More visitors

Chapter 13 The power

Chapter 14 The task

Chapter 15 Strange stirrings

Chapter 16 The tempter revisits

Chapter 17 The 'awakening'

Chapter 18 And so to work...

Postscript

Bibliography

#  Chapter 1Cool nights

It's difficult trying to remember all the things that have happened in your life; separating the things you actually remember from those you've been told about; things that happened when you were far too young to understand what was going on. There are those things that are so wonderful, too painful or too embarrassing that you'll never forget them. Then there are the things that you just simply forget, either because they had no significance for you, or you just wanted to forget them.

These past few nights have been cold since I left Nazareth. But the cold nights have really helped me focus on the memories; dragging them back and trying to work out what's been going on all these years; things that didn't seem to mean anything at the time and so have been forgotten, lying like a disused tool on a carpenter's bench. These memories have been awakened by the events of the past few days and in the confusion I have needed some peace and quiet to work out what it all means and where I'm heading for the next part of my life. If I'm honest with myself, I don't have a clue at the moment; it's all too confusing; so many unusual things have happened in these last few days. I just had to get away from it all. It's as if something has been pulling at me; leading me away; away from my family; away from the distraction of work and loyalty to find time to think about it all; leading to me to a quiet place where I won't be disturbed; giving me time and quiet...

I suppose it all started off by what my mother told me. I have been trying not to think about it; to push the idea away from my mind; so that I don't have to do anything about it, but it keeps returning and I know that eventually I will have to do something; I just don't know what. I was forcibly reminded of this today when I met John, quite by accident. But where to begin?

Must be nearly there now; this is beginning to look familiar. Now where is it? Oh, there it is. It seems to be higher up than I remember from the last time I was here and the way to it seems a bit precarious. But I have to get there before the light goes; and it's nearly gone anyway. Bit of effort required and I'll be there...

Maybe I'm getting old but this seems more tricky; it's quite steep. The stone is soft and crumbly and every step is more worn and slippery in these sandals. I must try not to fall. Last few steps and I'll be there...

Good, that was quite an effort. I hope I don't have to do that too many times whilst I'm here. At least it'll be safe from prowling animals; hunters of the night. A quick look into the darkness; let my eyes adjust. A cave; a safe haven.

I had a good look round and saw some discarded scraps of cloth, a few old oil lamps but no oil, a worn-out sandal with a broken thong. I wonder what happened to the other one. Nothing of any use or sign of present occupation, which is good; at least I will not be disturbed. As my eyes become accustomed to the darkness of the inside, I notice signs of markings; scratching in the soft rock, where a previous occupier has marked off the days of their stay. As I turned around to take in the view from the entrance I was given a rare treat.

"Wow!" I couldn't help exclaiming my amazement. What a tremendous view from here with the sun setting over the rocky landscape; long shadows stretching over the ground, making it dark and hiding all the detail. It's truly beautiful; that red hot sky with wisps of clouds that are tinged with purples and scarlets; not a breath of air; all is still and quiet; yes it's so quiet. One of the many reasons people have been coming out to these caves for so long; to meditate and, like me just to find time with God, praying and fasting. They say that out here the air is at its thinnest; that there is practically no gap between earth and heaven. We shall see.

So, let's start with a prayer, as usual, for I've always found that settling; comforting.

Heavenly Father, thank you for bringing me here safely. Bless those I met on the way to ask for directions because they have been true and I am safe once more. But how would I not be safe with you watching over me? Was it you I heard earlier? I've never heard your voice before but something about it seemed familiar. If it wasn't you, who else is there who would be pleased with me? At first I thought the voice was speaking to John, but he told me not to be so stupid. He knows he's not the Messiah; that it's me, especially after what happened. He said that he's really proud that he was able to baptise me. He didn't want to do it; felt it wasn't right; that I was without sin and therefore why would I need to confess and be cleansed. I don't think I'm without sin; even thinking that I am is probably a sin; comparing me to you, Lord; but maybe from now on I'd better be more careful.

Lord, I realise that after all that's happened today I need more time to think about what to do; especially for the family. My mother seemed so alone when I set off, but she was determined it's what I should do; said it was what my father would have wanted me to do as well. It's true that there are too many carpenters in one household; there's only enough work for two, so maybe I don't have to be concerned for them, especially as I now realise that you have work for me to do.

But this changes things. I had everything planned out for the future. I was ready to run the business with my father not able to do so much now, and I had planned to go to see Rebekah's father about our marriage; but now this; I don't know what I should do. Can I ask, what exactly it is that you want me to do? I need to find out and soon. You will show me won't you? You know I've always only wanted to do your will, but now it's beginning to feel a bit frightening.

"The Messiah?" Both John and my mother spoke of the Messiah; the one to set God's people free; spoken of by the prophets so long ago. It's strange how the subject has been mentioned in separate conversations in such a short space of time. There has to be something significant in that! Such authority goes with this role, but also a big responsibility.

But wait; this is such a double-edged sword to be handed to me. My mind is racing through the words of scripture that spoke of a coming Messiah. What was it Isaiah wrote? A 'son of David'? Yes, that I am for certain; Joseph was born in Bethlehem, and it's where I too was born. A 'man of sorrows'; 'rejected by man'. But there's more I remember; he is to be 'handed over to be crucified!'

"Crucified?" That cruel and barbarous execution used by the Romans to put down revolt and drive fear into the heart of every law-abiding citizen. But I'm not a rebel, I'm a carpenter and a sometimes preacher in the synagogue.

Wait! There have been others who have claimed to be the Messiah, and when discovered, they have each been crucified. A threat to the might of Rome I suppose, and we have come to appreciate that any threat to Rome is dealt with swiftly and brutally. I've seen so much of that in Nazareth; they are merciless when it comes to punishment, especially the poor and those of no standing. I don't think I want to be the 'Messiah'; it can't be me; I would have known about it, wouldn't I?

Tell me I'm not the 'Messiah', Lord...Is this what you want me to do Lord, drive out the Romans?

It's what many expect the Messiah to do; I've heard the gossip in the market and down by the river where the women do their washing. They all detest the Romans, especially when they drive more people into poverty because of all the taxes they collect and send to Rome.

I'm sure I'm not capable of driving out the Romans; I'm not a zealot; not a military man, far from it. I've been brought up as a carpenter, a peaceable man; I help people; provide a service. I know I'm strong, I can hew timber, carve and craft wood to make things people need; build homes and furniture; but I've never even held a sword or a spear; what do I know about fighting?

Lord, is this really the path you choose for me? Could the prophets have got it wrong? Were they speaking of someone else?

But how could they be wrong? They were your messengers, the true ones at least, and we know we can trust Isaiah, can't we? There's a whole passage that they say refers to the coming of the Messiah, I remember it now. Saul; lovely, patient Saul, Rabbi from my youth; how often did we speak together? You were so often telling me about the Messiah; all the predictions about him. Did you know something you weren't telling me then? Giving me so much of your time; patiently teaching, explaining the major theme behind the prophet's writings. How Isaiah wrote about a 'suffering servant'; the one 'despised' of men. Were you preparing me then when you got me to read the passage over and over? Let me see if I can remember it...

"My servant grew up in the Lord's presence like a tender green shoot, sprouting from a root in dry and sterile ground. There was nothing beautiful or majestic about his appearance, nothing to attract us to him. He was despised and rejected - a man of sorrows, acquainted with bitterest grief. We turned our backs on him and looked the other way when he went by. He was despised and did not care."

The language is a bit old fashioned now but still recognisable. This is hard to bear; that I am to become this person. It's very much like the role that the prophets had; they were unpopular and the people despised what they had to say, but I guess that is what has happened here now. But there was more...

"Yet it was our weakness he carried; it was our sorrows that weighed him down. And we thought his troubles were a punishment from God for his own! But he was wounded and crushed for our sins. He was beaten that we might have peace. He was whipped that we might be healed! All of us have strayed away like sheep. We have left God's path to follow our own. Yet the Lord laid on him the guilt and the sins of us all."

Could this be wrong? Was this something said to urge the people back to God? God doesn't work like that; there was a reason for this; it was a part of God's plan, and the passage continues...

"He was oppressed and treated harshly, yet he never said a word. He was led as a lamb to the slaughter. And as a sheep is silent before the shearers, he did not open his mouth. From prison and trial they led him away to his death. But who among the people realised that he was dying for their sins – that he was suffering for their punishment?"

This is astounding – that such a vision should have come from God all that time ago. Why has it taken so long to come; and why now? Isaiah continues...

"But it was the Lord's good plan to crush him and fill him with grief. Yet when his life is made an offering for sin, he will have a multitude of children, many heirs. He will enjoy a long life, and the Lord's plan will prosper in his hands. When he sees all that is accomplished by his anguish, he will be satisfied. And because of what he has experienced, my righteous servant will make it possible for many to be counted righteous, for he will bear all their sins. I will give him the honours of one who is mighty and great because he exposed himself to death. He was counted among those who were sinners. He bore the sins of many and interceded for sinners."

This is a righteous cause, but a painful path to be trodden. I don't know if I can do it, knowing what lies ahead. There are wonderful outcomes for the people; they will be saved that is true. I remember something from Zechariah about the Messiah; what was it now? Ah, yes...

"Rejoice greatly, O people of Zion! Shout in triumph, O people of Jerusalem! Look, your King is coming to you. He is righteous and victorious, yet he is humble, riding on a donkey – even on a donkey's colt. I will remove the battle chariots from Israel and the war horses from Jerusalem, and I will destroy all the weapons used in battle. Your King will bring peace to the nations."

Will the people remember all this, as I have, or do they only hope for a Messiah to get rid of the Romans? Maybe this is why they will despise the Messiah, because he only brings a 'sort' of peace.

~~~

There, the light has gone now. How still and peaceful it all seems. Nothing is stirring; a chance to rest; to sleep. Sleep? How will I sleep with all these thoughts going round in my head? With all the memories that have just been awakened. Things I must have put away have now returned to plague me.

My head is spinning with so many mixed feelings; anger at only just finding out this that had been hidden from me; elation that I should be 'chosen'; confusion at not knowing what is expected of me; fear for the unknown and what lies ahead; uncertainty in my ability to fulfil this role.

But here I will have time to think about it all; sort it out and decide what I must do.

Before I turn to sleep, here is my prayer for the end of the day.

Heavenly Father, I give you thanks for the day now passed, and that you have been my companion through the day. Be with my family this night and give me a clearer vision of your will for the future. Refresh me in rest and give me your peace to meet the new day. Amen

~~~

I must have dropped off to sleep but I was now awake and an eerie glow spread into the cave. I rose and went to the entrance. There was a full moon and the land was awash in diffused light. It was so peaceful. I sat and just looked out on that scene; absorbing it for its tranquillity.

My mind began to wander and memories started flooding back to me. It must have been one of the earliest things I truly remember; not a full memory, but a series of memories, like flashes of things I'd seen. I must have been on a journey which seemed to last for a very long time. I was on a donkey and the rhythmic movement as it picked its way among the loose stones on the path was quite soothing. I was being snuggled by my mother; I could feel her warmth; smell her cloak. And it was dark, save for this diffused light. It must have been on a night like this. l remember that I could see the ground passing by; stones and rocks, oh yes, and occasional sheep droppings, I remember those so clearly; so I knew that others had been past recently. I remember the silence, and just the noise of the donkey's hooves on the stony ground. There was no talking. It was warm as well, unlike tonight. Apart from that, there's not much more. I don't know where we were going or how long it lasted, just that it seemed to last a long time.

There were other times as well, just like it at night; I hear my father's voice, speaking in whispers, saying that we must move away and how important it was that no words be spoken in case we were discovered.

Strange how this came to me like this. Must be something my mother said recently about some of the journeys we had been on. I couldn't have been very old, maybe two or three. I don't remember any more details.

Many other things I can remember quite well, and I've been thinking about all this for the last few days as I've been walking here. Reflecting; mulling over in my mind what they all mean, like pieces of a puzzle; trying to make them all fit. But there's still a few pieces missing. Well not missing exactly, there are the right number of pieces but I can't seem to find the right places for them, so I'm going to have to keep trying so that I can see what it all means.

The bits that don't seem to fit are some of those I don't have a direct memory of; the ones that other people have told me about; were they true of just stories to amuse a small child; I wonder?

#  Chapter 2The neighbours

I woke the next morning feeling cold and very hungry. The floor of the cave was hard and I felt stiff as I slowly got up. It was a bright sunny day. The ridge into which the cave had been formed cast a long dark shadow on the ground to the front, but in the distance the whole landscape was brilliantly lit in the clear air. It was a beautiful sight; remote and arid with a blameless sky and a palpable silence. Nothing stirred. No sound, save my shuffling feet on the loose sand on the stone floor.

Loving Lord, thank you for this; it's awesome and just what I need. Space to think and be with you. Nourish me to take away these hunger pains and clear my thoughts for you alone. Help me to understand the things that have happened to me over these past few days; prepare me for the task you have.

I was thinking back to the events leading up to my leaving Nazareth; the place I had lived all my life. It was painful leaving; felt like a turning point in my life. My family, friends and neighbours; my childhood memories, all left behind. Not forgotten, but it feels like there is a different relationship with them now. I can't explain it, it just feels different.

I suppose it all started a few days earlier; the day the row blew up next door. Esau was arguing with his wife, Elizabeth. We could all hear it; it was quite heated; it went on for quite a while. There was shouting and crying and things being thrown around. Next thing we know is Elizabeth sobbing and knocking on our door, fit to break it down. My mother rushed to comfort her and brought her into the house. She sent us out on an errand, so we didn't hear what it was all about until much later.

Next day, when we were alone, my mother sat me down to explain what had happened.

It turned out that Elizabeth, returning late one night after visiting her sick sister, had been raped by a Roman soldier. She spared me most of the gory details but it was a cruel and despicable act. As a garrison town, the place was full of soldiers and incidents like this were not uncommon. It was impossible to complain, since there were never any witnesses and no one would take evidence from a woman in any event. Esau was now convinced that Elizabeth was an innocent party in this; it was pure brutality. So the family had to deal with the shame of it. If the Pharisees got to hear about it, they would see it as adultery and punishment would be severe. Not punishment for the soldier but for Elizabeth.

This is typical of the injustices we have to suffer at the hands of the Romans, and they are hated so much for it; we are completely at their mercy; and it is so wrong

Lord, what can we do to put an end to this?

This was so wrong, but what could they do? Elizabeth had taken her three children with her and left to live with a relative in Cana. Esau would remain to finish off his work so as not to arouse suspicion and then go to join her later. Joseph, my father, had gone to escort Elizabeth and the children and James was to run the carpenter's shop until Joseph returned in a few days' time.

"I know he's not well at the moment but he says he will be alright to go just those few miles, rest for a day and then return," she assured me.

I said, "Why am I not to run the shop? Surely, as the eldest it should fall to me?"

"Jesus, your father and I have discussed it and feel that this is the best way to deal with the situation. And in any event I have something important I need to discuss with you."

This sounded serious so I listened intently.

She paused for a long while; I could see she was trying to find the right words, and as her brow furrowed slightly she asked, "Jesus, how far back can you remember as a child?"

I thought this was an odd question, following on from the previous discussion. So I said, "I'm not really sure. I remember a few things; what sort of things did you have in mind?"

"Do you remember me telling you that you were... 'special'; that you were a 'gift' from God?"

I was smiling. "All mothers tell their children that, don't they?"

"Well maybe; but in your case it is the truth. I think it's time we had a long talk about your future."

"What do you mean my future? Doesn't father want me to be a carpenter anymore? Is that why James is taking charge? Is my work not good enough?"

"No it's nothing like that. Jesus, be quiet and listen to me. You have always meant the world to your father and me. We have loved you from the very first time you appeared... but you are not entirely ours."

I was aghast. "What?"

"Shush! I understand that this may come as a bit of a shock to you, and maybe we should have said something to you before now, but somehow there never seemed to be a 'right' time."

"You mean I'm adopted?"

"No, I mean you are... God's Son. I gave birth to you but Joseph is not your natural father. I know this all sounds very weird, but we were both told about this by an angel of God; that we had been chosen by God to do this thing for him. He even told us to give you your name, Jesus. You know, of course that it means 'God with us', don't you?"

I felt numb all over. I never suspected this for a moment. I had always felt... I don't know... normal! Like we were a regular family.

"I can tell you're finding this hard to believe; so did we at first. I didn't mean you to be hurt by this news, my darling. Joseph has been magnificent about it, as it all happened before we were married. Yes! There was a potential scandal for the family, so you may appreciate how we understood about Esau and Elizabeth's situation, just the other day. It's is very difficult dealing with family shame in these situations, as we well know. Joseph risked all for you and me. He truly loves God and has been obedient, but he has also been a loyal and loving father to you and your brothers and sisters. They are all ours naturally, by the way; we have been most blessed, although we did lose one."

"I've never felt different or 'special'. But what was the purpose of it all?"

"Jesus, you are the Messiah; the One sent by God to set the people free. You know of the Messiah don't you?"

"Of course I know of the Messiah, mother. I've studied the scriptures for many years now, but why me? Why now?"

"Well I suppose the time is right, now. You have come of age; people will respect you and listen to you; afford you the authority you deserve."

"But, mother, I have been teaching and preaching in the synagogue for a few years now and no one has ever questioned my knowledge or authority to speak."

"That's because people here know you from childhood; have been fascinated by your knowledge and the way you 'hold' their attention. If you go anywhere else you will be a stranger to them and will need to be 'of age' if they are to even let you speak; you know this."

"What do you mean when you say 'if I go anywhere else'? Why do I need to go anywhere else? I'm very happy here; this is my home; my work is here."

"Think about it. You are the Messiah. I've no idea what the task of the Messiah entails, but it won't be done by staying at home here. You need to be prepared to move away, to travel, possibly. Your father and I have been your guardians on this first part of your journey. God has guided and protected us so far in so many ways, and you've probably not even been aware of it; which is why I asked what memories you have.

My darling, so much has happened to us as a family; the burden of this great task has been immense at times. Not that we have borne it unwillingly. We have been truly blessed to have been chosen. We have seen real signs that all this is true. You were probably too young to remember any of the things I am about to tell you, but your father and I have seen and heard many affirmations that you are a very special person and there is great work ahead of you. Now is the time for this work to start and you must leave and prepare for it. God will guide you, I know."

"Tell me more; tell me of all these things I don't remember."

"Well, you remember that I told you where you were born?"

"Yes, in Bethlehem."

"And that because it was really busy with everybody there for the census, we didn't have anywhere to stay, other than a cave at the back of the inn?"

"Yes, yes you told me all this. I remember this."

"Well that was not all of it. Miraculous things happened that night that we were totally unprepared for. We had visitors."

"Visitors? In a cave? Who knew where you were and who were these visitors?"

"Well first there were some shepherds. I can't remember their names now but there were three of four of them, and a very shy one who wouldn't come in, but stayed outside. Apparently, whilst they were on the hillside taking care of their sheep there was a mass of angels suddenly appeared that lit up the night sky. At first they were petrified and didn't know what to do, then one of the angels spoke and told them to come and see the Messiah, who had just been born; and they came to see you. They spent some time with us and brought us some food. People call them the scum of the earth, Jesus, but they didn't seem like that to us. They were so friendly and kind, if a bit smelly, but that didn't seem to matter, bearing in mind we were in a cave with other animals. They just sat and watched you while you slept and eventually they got up without a sound and left to go back to their sheep."

"That's incredible, mother. Why have you never told me that story before?"

"I did once, when you were very small. There were others too."

"What, more shepherds?"

"No, not shepherds; astrologers from the east and beyond. I don't remember which countries they came from but they were had come on a long journey, much further than our journey, and that was far enough I can tell you. They were dark skinned and they were from wealthy families with fine clothes. They arrived on camels, so that tells you that they were wealthy. They told us a most interesting story about how they had been studying the stars, each of them from different places. But they had been drawn together by a strange and very bright star that had appeared in the sky. They had never seen it before and it stayed there for several days and then got brighter. This usually indicates that a new king is to be born, so they were intrigued and felt compelled to follow in the direction of this star, and after many weeks travelling had arrived in Bethlehem.

They said that on the way they went to Caesarea, thinking that a new king would be born to an existing King, but when they got there, Herod seemed most surprised by their assertions. They became suspicious when he summoned his advisors and they all started questioning them about what they knew about this new king, and where he was to be born. They said they didn't really know; they were just following the star which led them so far and then they assumed it was in Caesarea, but obviously not and they would need to resume their search somewhere else. They were allowed to leave but only after giving assurances that after they had found this new king they would return to Herod and tell him all the news so that he could pay homage.

They eventually found where we were and they came in and fell down on their knees before you. You cannot imagine our amazement at the sight of this. You were fast asleep in a feeding trough; it was all we could find to put you in, but you seemed happy enough in there. These astrologers told us their story, and they brought us gifts; amazing gifts, precious oils and perfumes and gold coins; we were totally amazed; it was so unexpected. They said it was their custom to bring gifts for a special King; it had to be a special King to warrant such a magnificent sign.

They said that they thought that they had been followed by one of Herod's spies. Your father said that he thought this was a bit suspicious and that Herod was not to be trusted, and suggested that they return home via a different route. He felt that we were not safe to remain in Bethlehem too much longer, so after they had left we made plans to leave after I had rested for another day.

During the night, your father had a dream in which he saw an angel who told us we need to go to Egypt because it was too dangerous to stay in Bethlehem or anywhere close by.

So we set off the next morning for Jerusalem, so that we could present you at the temple as our 'first-born' because we were not sure when we would be returning. This was a bit of a risk, but we needed to do all within the law to be right with God."

"I never knew this. You were so brave. I don't know what to say."

"You don't need to say anything, my love. We did it for God, because he asked us to, and we knew he would protect us; that was his promise from the angel.

But that was not the end of the amazing things that happened. When we got to Jerusalem we went to the temple to present you, together with the two doves we had to buy, for the ceremony. We came to find the priest who would perform the ceremony but a man called Simeon approached us. He was a very old man who told us that he had been guided by the Spirit to come to the temple that day. He knew it was very important that he make the journey which was difficult for him due to his old age. He saw you and he gently took you from my arms, and as he held you in his arms he started to cry. We wondered what was the matter with him, but it soon became apparent as he told us that his tears were tears of great joy. He had not known us before but as soon as he held you in his arms he knew that you were the 'chosen one'. The one that all of Israel had been waiting for. His life's journey had now been completed and he was overjoyed to receive you and he held you very close, saying that this was the day he had been waiting for all those years. "The Messiah has arrived; I can die in peace; I've waited so long for this." Can you believe it?

He called to Anna, an elderly Prophet who lived in the temple. She devoted her life to prayer and fasting and never left the place. She came over and Simeon said, "Anna, come see who is here." And he passed you over to her for her to hold. As she held you she started praising God. She too was crying, great tears of joy. "This is a wondrous day that the Lord has given us. Our Saviour has arrived indeed."

You can imagine how we were feeling with all this emotion and excitement. It was quite frightening really and we began to wonder what we should do next. With the confirmation of who you were from complete strangers was quite frightening. What were we to do if everyone we met recognised you like this; there would be nowhere to hide from Herod, as the angel had told us we needed to do. We urged them not to say a word as we were afraid of what Herod might do, and they understood perfectly. We were taken to the priest by Simeon and Anna and the ceremony was performed in private.

After the ceremony, we were anxious to leave as we were beginning to hear stories of a great purge by Herod who, fearful of the new king, rumoured to have been born in Judea, had sent soldiers to seek him out and kill him before there was an uprising. So with this in our minds we continued our journey towards Egypt."

"Where did we live and how long did we stay there?"

"We stayed in a little village not far from the border, where your father had some cousins. It was some distance off the trade route, but it didn't take long for your father to find work. He has such a skill for the trade. It was easy for him to find work helping a local carpenter and borrowing his tools."

"That would not have been easy for him, knowing how fussy he gets with his tools."

"You're right, but we had to do what was needed and it worked out fine, apart from being away from our home and not knowing what was happening there. We did get news eventually and it was terrible. Herod had sent soldiers to slaughter all baby boys aged two and under. This had a devastating effect on that little town and the hatred for the Romans was ever deepened.

We managed to get word back to Nazareth to tell them that we were safe and would return when things got back to normal, which was when you were about three. Joseph again had a dream where an angel told him it was safe to return. This was another wrench as we had become accepted and settled by then, but we also wanted to go back to our home; to our friends and neighbours who had not seen you in all that time. And another reason was that I was expecting James, so we wanted very much for him to be born in our home."

"What happened when you got back to Nazareth? Did people remember you?"

"Yes of course they did. They had known that we had had to go the Bethlehem, but the story had got back that we had to go to Egypt to settle a family affair, so it seemed quite right that when we returned with our baby that all that had been settled and that your father would return to his trade. Everything was as we had left it; neighbours had taken care of everything. It took a bit of time to settle back into the routine but we were made welcome, and the trade quickly came back."

"I can't really believe that I did not remember any of this."

"How could you; you were too young. Anyway you quickly grew and found friends and became quite happy. Yes you were a happy child, always laughing and having fun and when your brothers arrived you were very useful around the house; looking after each of them as you were able. But we are getting away from the real reason I'm telling you this.

Jesus it's time for you to start in this new vocation. You have to prepare for the task that God has chosen for you."

"How am I to do this? I don't know where to start."

"Well you could start by speaking with God. Go to the Rabbi and ask him about the Messiah; see what he knows. You may have to leave and seek God through fasting and prayer. Go and find some quiet place where you can be alone with God; he will let you know what is to be done."

"Go away? But where will I go? And for how long? What about my work; I haven't finished that set of chairs for Moshe, and what about father?"

"Jesus, you don't need to worry about these things; your father will understand. We spoke about it before he left and he agrees that you must leave; the time is right."

"If you think it best for me to go away, what do I say to Hanna?"

"Oh yes, I had forgotten Hanna in all this. Had you really planned to marry?"

"We had not spoken of it but, yes I really thought we might marry. I have always loved her but something had always held me back from asking her."

"This is our fault; your father and I really have been slow. We should have spoken with you much sooner so that you didn't get too involved. I will speak with her; explain as best I can. She too loves God and will understand."

"I should tell her myself, but I wouldn't know where to start; this is hard. She will be very upset. It upsets me not really knowing what all this means, especially where it leaves us. Could we still get married? If I go away what will she think? I don't like having to leave like this."

"Don't worry, my love. I will speak to her, woman to woman; she will understand, believe me. It's the sort of thing women get used to; and you do have a really important thing to do. She'll understand, you'll see."

"Mother when you say it like that I do understand. Send her my love and tell her I will speak with her when I return."

"I'm not sure that will be a good thing, but you probably know best."

That memory still brings pain. I pray Hanna is well.

Lord, comfort her and reassure her of my love and that it had nothing to do with her that I had to leave.

I need to rest now...

#  Chapter 3John

I can't stop thinking about the other day; it was so very strange; unexpected; a complete surprise. As I was on my way here, I met some folk who were telling me about this wild man they had seen; a marvellous preacher they had seen working around the Jordan, and drawing huge crowds of people from the surrounding villages. These people I met were totally in awe of what he had to say. What could he be saying that had these folk so enthralled? I was curious and so I decided that I would seek him out to hear him for myself.

I pressed on and found the preacher surrounded by a large crowd. I discovered to my great joy, that the preacher they had been talking about was no less than my cousin, John; and I recognised the place. John and I had spent some time here when we were just youngsters and we strayed from our group for a few hours whilst on a journey somewhere, I don't recall where we were heading. We had a great time together exploring some of the caves not far away; just messing about in the river, as youths do. We got into so much trouble with our mothers though for disappearing as we did.

As I listened, he spoke with such force and commitment that people were hanging on his every word. He was calling them to stop doing bad things and change direction; calling them back to God and the way of the law. Then he was leading them down into the river where he said he would wash away all the bad things they'd done by literally washing them in the river. I'd never seen this done before. He was physically dunking them; pushing them down and under that muddy water; holding them down until all their badness had been washed away. Then he lifted them up, wringing wet. He called it 'baptising'. It was quite a spectacle.

Someone in the crowd called out to him "Are you the Messiah, come to save us?" John turned and said "No, I am not he; I have come to prepare the way for him. You cannot compare me to him; he is so much greater. But he is coming soon. I am baptising you with water; when the chosen one comes, he will baptise you with the Holy Spirit and with fire." The people were aghast. I've never seen a crowd get so animated in such a setting; yes I'd seen them in the towns when there had been some sort of a scandal break out; some sort of injustice or a thief trying to escape capture, but nothing quite like this.

As I watched I noticed that there were all sorts of people there including some tax collectors and a couple of soldiers, no doubt come to observe what was happening so as to report back to their garrison. But they were all getting involved as well, asking questions.

John turned around to face someone who was asking a question. He was getting quite animated, waving his arms around and challenging the behaviour of these people. I couldn't quite hear what was being said from where I was standing, so I moved closer through the crowd to where I could hear.

He was accusing some church officials and any others like them of being 'hypocrites because they were only wanting to be baptised as a means of escaping final judgement, and he challenged them by saying that if they want to be forgiven they have to mean it; not just say it. He was saying that just because they were born a Jew did not mean they would be acceptable to God and this really started to get them angry. And he was right. These so called religious leaders thought they were exempt from judgement. The only way most of them were in that position was due to their birth. The way they hold the poor people to ransom with the cost of sacrificial animals; they can only buy them in the temple courtyard and only with temple currency, which they have to exchange at an extortionate rate. I've seen it every time I visit the temple. No one can argue with them; they appear above the law. Those around were agreeing with John, and they were pressing forward even more eagerly to be baptised.

More people were arriving and the crowd was growing. John continued to speak and then take another group into the river to be baptised. After one group of around twenty or so had come out of the water, and as John sat down on the river bank for a rest, I went over to see him. He welcomed me warmly and we chatted for some time; we walked little way from the crowd and talked about our families and exchanged news. I didn't tell him about what happened a few days earlier, and he never asked what I was doing there.

I said, "John, I'm so impressed with the way you were speaking with the crowds just then and I agreed with what you were saying, but did you notice how upset and angry some of the religious officials were getting? Are you not concerned for your own safety? You know how powerful they are"

"I realise that I'm treading on toes and upsetting a few people, but I'm not worried. God has called me to do this; it's time for change. He will do with me as is his will. I have a task to do; I've known it all my life and I've been preparing for it; the way I live is the way I am; I'm here for God and I'm bringing this message to the people; those who want to hear and do what is necessary in order to walk in God's way."

"Your message is very powerful, John. But what is this 'baptising' all about? I thought that only the Levite priests carried out ritual washing; the mikvah."

"They do, but don't you remember, my father Zechariah was a Levite, as was my mother? I've known the ritual since I was so high. For the priest, it was an act of purification prior to carrying out some ritual, or ceremony. It's come to symbolize purification over time and men take a mikvah in preparation for the Sabbath and before every holy day; it's also done before one's wedding or the circumcision of a son, or at the beginning of a great undertaking on the Lord's behalf. Women take a mikvah each month after their menstrual period. It's become familiar like so many rituals and ceremonies in the temple, it's lost its meaning; or intent; that's all they are – symbols, rituals; there's no heart in them. They are shallow. Unlike the mikvah, this baptism means something; it's a once-and-for-all purification and lasts a lifetime. You see some of these Pharisees and scribes here, they're only here to be seen doing this; they don't mean any of it, you can tell. If you want forgiveness, real forgiveness you have to mean it and you have to pay a price. And God knows when you mean it."

"Will you baptise me? Wash me clean."

His voice was very gentle. "Jesus, what are you doing here? You don't have to do this. I can't baptise you".

"Why not? I need to be cleansed to be right with God; to mean it; your preaching was most convincing and I need to be made pure."

"Jesus, you are the most 'wholesome' person I know. I had hoped that you were the 'One' that I am here for. You know there were rumours in the family? My mother often spoke of you as being 'from God'. Remember she and your mother were cousins and quite close."

"John, I've discovered things over the past few days that I was not aware of before; you may well be right, which is why I came out here to get some space to pray and discover what I am to do."

"I see. Why don't you make for the cave we used to go to; do you remember? That'll be perfect. It's not far from here; you could make it before it goes dark if you set off now. Can you remember how to get there?"

"Yes, I think so."

As we made our way back to where he had been standing, he insisted that it was not right for him to baptise me. The folk around were beginning to get a bit confused with this hold-up so I gave him a determined look.

His life style had given him a wild look, with eyes sunk deep into his skull and his bony face and thin frame displayed one who had eked out a meagre living off the land. His dress was minimal with just a loin cloth to protect his nakedness whilst performing this baptism. His top coat, left on the river bank together with his belt, staff and travel bag; his only possessions. He looked like no one of importance and yet all this crowd of people had come out here to see him; to hear him and to be washed clean by him. It was clear that he also had a group of followers or minders. They were hanging around, fairly discretely, and keeping the crowds in order, but not in a heavy-handed way, just to keep the excitement down.

As our eyes met his expression seemed to melt with a warmth and a glow, and his wide smile changed the tension that had built. "Of course," he said, "Why should you be excluded?"

So I followed him as we made our way down into the river having removed my cloak and sandals. The river bed was stony with smooth patches between and the water flowed slowly. It got deeper until I was up to mid-thigh and in one more step it was above my waist and much colder. John held me by the arm to steady me. As we got to the middle he raised his voice saying "Do you renounce all sin and affirm your love of God?"

"Yes I do."

"I baptise you with water to signify a cleansing of your old self and giving you a new birth; a new life with God." He tipped me backwards and held me down under the water for what seemed like an age. The water was cool and I could feel it slowly flowing past me, like it was washing me as I lay in it totally encapsulated in this watery grave. I held my breath for what seemed a very long time and then I heard it; a voice. It was quite clear and I could hear every word. The voice said "My Son, this is your time."

I felt I could hold my breath no more, and thought I might die, and I struggled to resurface and John pulled me up quite swiftly. As I came out of the water, gasping for my breath, with water streaming down my face, stinging my eyes and going in my mouth until I was choking, I heard the same voice again but this time it said "You are my beloved Son; I am so pleased with you."

I was still coughing and spluttering, trying to regain my composure as I stood up with the water still streaming down my head and shoulders. "Are you alright?" John said, as he helped me regain my balance. "I don't know what happened; I don't usually hold people under that long, but some strange force was stopping me from bringing you up."

I said, "I'm fine, just a bit surprised. Did you hear the voice?"

"No, what voice?"

"I definitely heard a voice; whilst I was under the water, and again as I was coming up."

"What did it say, this voice?"

As I looked up I saw the sky appearing to open up and it became immensely bright; a white dove appeared and fluttered down and rested on my head. In those few moments the world seemed to stand still. I felt a warm glow at first. Then it ran down my body and I felt warm all over. I started to tingle; to shake all over and my eyes began to stream with tears; tears like I've never cried before. My nose was running as the warmth encapsulated me. I felt completely at peace and light like I could float away...

All was quiet; the sky was so bright...and then it was over; I could hear the water trickling past, the dove flapped its wings and took off and flew away. The people on the river banks looked incredulously at the two of us in the water, wondering what was going on.

"What did this voice say to you?" It was John speaking to me. He must have been totally unaware of what I had just experienced.

"Er..it was a man's voice and it said 'My Son, this is your time'." Oh, yes and the second time he said that I was a beloved son and he was really pleased with me.

Well we looked at each other John and I, both dripping with water, and a smile appeared on the side of his face and he kind of nodded at me - it was as if he had been expecting it. I was dumfounded. I didn't know what to think; it was kind of 'other-worldly'. It frightened me because I didn't know what it meant. I said, "What just happened there?"

"I'm not sure, but now I know what my life has been for; to get the people ready for you. You are the 'chosen one'; I know it for certain now." We embraced and I thanked him.

"Does this place have a name?"

"Yes, it's called Bethabara. Some folk know it as Bethany beyond the Jordan."

Others were standing around, some in the water behind me waiting their turn, others on the bank drying off. No one spoke. It was strange yet immensely uplifting; and eerily quiet. Not a sound, save the dripping water and the continual trickling of the river.

As I moved towards the bank to get out others were pressing forward to be baptised and the air was filled once more with chatter, excitement and anticipation.

I picked up my cloak and other belongings, put on my sandals and, still dripping, set off. As I walked away I could hear his voice being raised in praise of God and shouting his warnings to those gathered around him. Life continued for them, but for me it had stood still for a few moments. What was going on there?

It wasn't long before I was surrounded in my own silence once more and I started to go over the events of the day; still uncertain about what it all meant.

Could I really be the 'chosen one'? Why me; why now? How could I not have known this before? What does it mean? What must I do?

#  Chapter 4Daily routine

I've been here now about five days and mostly the weather has been dry and warm, except at night when it can become quite cold. I seem to have maintained my daily prayer routine without really thinking about it. Away from the chores and distractions of home, it has been a lot easier. As always I pray three times a day, a practice established by the Patriarchs; Abraham for the morning; Isaac the afternoon and Jacob the evening; plus a bit extra because it's special out here and there's time to do it..

I pray when I wake and spend some time in silence as I open my mind to God's presence and listen for his voice. This is something my Rabbi taught me. It is a combination of what his Rabbi taught him and something he picked up from a mystic from the east. He was deeply spiritual and often stayed in silent meditation for many hours, according to the sundial.

I then go to the spring for a drink: I am permitted water but no food during this fast. I wash and wander around for a while, taking in the views and looking for different types of flower that grow in the most unexpected places. I watch the birds and listen for all the sounds. There aren't many of these, except during the night. There are predators around, I've seen their footprints by the stream, but they are mostly around at night when I am out of harm's way in the safety of the cave.

Around midday I return to the cave and pray, again followed by a few hours of silence and waiting. I then start my 'thinking'; trying to work out what my task will be and, how to go about it. I usually go down once more to the stream for a refreshing drink before it gets dark and upon returning to the cave, I pray once more.

I spend a while 'thinking' again before I say my final prayers and then I lie down to sleep.

I've made a kind of mat to sleep on. I found some dried grass and moss from near the spring which keeps me warm in the night and is softer than the stone floor. I have slept fairly well, but in bursts and never right through the night, mainly on account of the hunger pains.

Hunger pains can come upon me throughout the day at any time, but mostly in the night. I have to really concentrate on what I'm doing at the time to avoid being distracted. It took me a couple of days to get into this routine and to become accustomed to the surroundings and the strangeness of it all, but I am beginning to really appreciate the 'special' nature of the place. I really do feel close to God, and I am beginning to hear small whispers of a voice. I don't think I'm hallucinating from lack of food; I think I really am hearing God speak to me. I must continue.

One of the amusing things about being here is about my bodily functions. When I first arrived I quickly established a latrine area; it must have been a sort of instinct because I did not want to become unwell during my time here. So I found an area where the ground was soft enough for me to scoop up some soil, go and bury the waste. But with not eating, the need for this has largely passed. Also I hardly need to urinate, as I drink very little; my greatest need is on waking in the morning, apart from which I never visit the site. How mundane parts of my life are. But without the need to buy and prepare food and no other daily chores to speak of, the rest of my time can be totally devoted to God; to praying and listening; to working out what I am to do.

I do spend a lot of my time in recalling scripture; it's one gift I have and something Saul, my Rabbi insisted on in his teaching. He said "It's so important that you know the scriptures, my boy, so read and remember them. You never know when you might need to quote from them and you won't always have them with you." How right he was. I seem to have this gift of remembering scripture; it feels as though I have known it already; a strange feeling that I cannot explain.

It's raining now and I'm glad of the protection of the cave because it's that soft, penetrating rain that seems to get into your bones. We don't get rain like this very often; it's not so much rain, but a mist coming off the sea in some strange way.

As I look absentmindedly around the cave I notice something on the floor; it's a dull metallic object, part covered in the sand and in my curiosity I stoop to pick it up. It is a rough-hewn nail, about a hand's-length, the type I have used so often with my father when we have been fixing large timbers. It must have been used by one of the hermits to scribe the days here and then discarded when they left. It may well have been left by the very first pilgrim to arrive here and been used by subsequent visitors for the same purpose.

What a story this nail could tell. Tales of suffering; of wonder and joy; tales of long nights spent in prayer; torments of the mind of someone searching for the answer to some soul-deep question. It feels comfortable in my hand and a reminder of the world I have escaped from for a while. Let it be my companion as I go through my searchings.

I move it around in my hand; feel its weight; its roughness. Metal shaped in a forge by human hands. Since I finished working in the carpenters shop, my hands are becoming soft and I now find I am beginning to notice the roughness of things; stones, my staff, and now this nail. When I was working this would have just been a nail, but now it seems to have a special meaning for me; a new significance in my life. I wonder what that will be.

In my prayers I always remember my family; that they will be well; that they will not miss me and worry about things. It seems strange without them; very quiet. I feel lonely without them, but then with them I would not be able to pray so often or for so long. I will be able to return to them before too long and then it will be as if nothing ever changed.

Time to pray again and then apply myself to the task.

#  Chapter 5Something remembered

I was wondering around one day, just going over things in my mind for about the fifth time. It was really strange because it raked up a memory about a time when my parents took me with them to the temple in Jerusalem. We used to do that journey every year from as early as I can remember; I was probably about twelve years old on this occasion. The whole family was going up for the Passover with a big group from the town. It was the first time we'd all gone together and Judas was quite small, but he's a tough little nut. I particularly remember it because since we were all going and Judas was quite small, my father borrowed a wagon so that my mother didn't have to ride the donkey but could sit with him. The journey took several days and we had to stop at various places on the way.

As it was a special festival, the people who lived along the route made a big effort to celebrate the pilgrimage; they would tidy up the road; clearing away any large stones to make it easier for the pilgrims to pass by on their way. They would also clean their house fronts and mark the way with whitewashed signs to make it easier to find the way. Apparently all the roads leading to Jerusalem were like this, although we only travelled along the same road each time.

We were there for a few days and while the others were visiting some cousins, I went to the temple one last time and got listening to one of the Rabbis talking about the law and we got into a bit of a discussion. I suppose, because I had been studying for my bar mitzvah I was pretty knowledgeable about things. I had so many questions and the Rabbi seemed to have time and patience to answer. There were a few questions that he could not answer and he had to consult with another Rabbi before he could tell me what I needed to know.

We had a great Rabbi in Nazareth by the name of Saul and he had taught me well, and the subject seemed to be very clear with me; I had a good memory for scripture but for some reason I also had a great degree of understanding which couldn't be explained.

However, I hadn't noticed the time going and I forgot to go to the place where we had agreed to meet before we set off for home. I dashed off but there was no one there that I knew; they had all left without me. Someone said they'd left an hour ago so it was no use setting off on my own but to go back to the temple and someone would take care of me there. So I stayed at the temple and carried on the discussion. When no one returned for me, the Rabbi took me back to his home and I was made welcome by the family.

I was with them for two nights, and the next day, it was about noon when my parents appeared looking all hot and bothered and in a foul mood. My father was screaming at me "Jesus, where have you been? We've have been looking everywhere for you – we've been worried sick about you!"

Now that my memory of this has returned, I can remember those words as if it were yesterday. But what I remember even more clearly is my mother's response; it was her fury; her anger that left its mark on me at the time; anger as I've never seen in her before. She was absolutely livid. It lasted for just a few moments, although at the time it seemed like ages; and then came the relief as she rushed towards me and hugged me so tight to her and I felt those body-wrenching sobs; I felt her tears on my neck and they seemed to flow for ages. When she finally released me from her 'grip', and I was able to catch my breath again I noticed how white her knuckles were as she wiped away her tears. To me it didn't seem that important; I was safe and had been so utterly absorbed in what I had been doing; in learning about God and his purpose for us all.

She asked me what on earth I'd been playing at by running off and hiding. But I hadn't; I'd just been talking with the Rabbi so I said something glib like "Where would you expect me to be; I've been here in my Father's house all the time".

I don't know why I said that really. I remembered how my parents had told me something about me being 'special' and about a 'purpose' to my life but I hadn't really thought about it much; I didn't feel very special, especially at that moment as my father gave me a really hard stare; one of his "you're going to have to explain that one to me son" looks as I said this.

He came over and I thought I was for it then, but he just smiled and knelt down and hugged me too and whispered in my ear "I told her we'd find you here".

It was an embarrassing moment; here we all were in the temple with several of the teachers all around and they just stood there watching the spectacle; wandering what might happen next. It was very tense.

My parents thanked the Rabbi for taking care of me and asked what was needed to settle the account, but the Rabbi just waved his hand and said "You would have done the same for me; he's a very special child you know. He has such an extensive knowledge and has asked some very searching questions. Have you ever thought about sending him to Rabbi School; he has a gift and will learn much more there?"

After hearing this, my parents seemed to calm down a bit. They were more like their normal selves as we set off back to be with the others. Apart from being angry because of the delay and the repeated journey, they seemed relieved that we were all back together again. As I played with my brothers on our return journey, they taunted me that I would now have extra chores to do when we got home; but I didn't.

Apparently, they had travelled a full day, thinking I was in a group with a cousin, and it was night time before they realised I was not there. They had to turn around the next day. I wasn't out of their sight much for the next few weeks.

The other thing I was not aware of at the time was that my mother was expecting my sister, Elizabeth; this was the real reason that father had borrowed the waggon, because next year she did not go with us to Jerusalem.

~~~

As I pressed on I saw some shepherds herding their sheep, driving them to look for better pasture. I didn't want to engage in conversation, so absorbed was I in my thoughts, so I kept down whilst they passed by. The light would be gone very soon and I needed to get back to the cave; not very far now.

It's remarkable out here. Although it's quite remote, there are signs that people pass through almost daily, but without being seen. Their passage is silent; possibly out of respect for the 'special' nature of the place. You see their footprints in the sand by day but in the morning the wind has removed any trace of their being here. It seems to sweep through almost as silently as the footsteps have appeared...it is a beautiful place, full of mystery. It's a place where time seems to stand still.

#  Chapter 6A visitor

It was a beautiful day again, but it had rained in the night and the sun was drying everything off leaving a rising faint mist everywhere. I decided to go down to the spring that I discovered yesterday. There are two that I have found now, one quite close to the cave; the other some way off in the other direction. I found the new one quite easily and the overnight rain had given it a greater energy; it was bubbling away quite nicely. I was stooping down getting a drink and splashing my face with the cool water, when I was suddenly aware of a presence; someone was standing behind me. I turned to see an old man with a crook, and I supposed him to be a shepherd. I hadn't heard him approach so I was quite surprised. He was smiling at me and appeared friendly.

"Hello there," I said, "what brings you here? Was it you I saw herding your sheep past here yesterday."

"Oh, I'm not looking after sheep, but I am on an errand."

"Come and have a drink; this water is lovely and fresh."

"Thank you, I will. It's quite warm today already."

After he'd had a drink he stood up; he was about the same height as me and despite his age he stood very straight and appeared quite sprightly for one so old. We walked along for a little while and he was walking with ease. He said, "What brings you here to these parts?"

It was strange that I should meet a complete stranger in such a remote place who would engage on a discussion so personal so quickly; but somehow I felt at ease and able to answer without questioning who he was and why he wanted to know all about me.

"Oh, I've come out here to be alone; to pray and decide what I will do with my life. There have been some changes at home; things have happened and I needed to be somewhere where I could think things through."

"This is a good place to be for doing that, and you've travelled quite a distance for a Galilean. Many have come here before for this very purpose. But surely there is more that you are not telling me; you have a troubled look about you, young fellow. Anything I can help you with? Want to share anything with an old man; perhaps I can help?"

"How do you know where I come from?"

"It's the accent; quite easily recognised in these parts."

I thought about this for a few moments. He seemed harmless enough and genuinely interested; not out to make trouble. I thought it might not hurt to share a few things; he was a stranger, so what would he know about my personal situation; my family? It might help to sort things out if I spoke them out loud. So without really thinking about it, and as it was at the front of my mind anyway, I sort of blurted it out.

"What do you know of the Messiah? What sort of person would you expect him to be?"

"That is a serious question; no wonder you're looking troubled. Why are you concerned about the Messiah?"

"Do you think now might be a good time for the Messiah to come to the people?"

"Well, he's been promised a long time; some are thinking that it will never happen; that it was something the prophets got wrong. But there are those, true believers, who still believe; who still wait, hopefully."

I hesitated for a while then said, "What would you say if I said that I thought I might be the Messiah?"

He looked at me for a while, with a thoughtful gaze. I thought he was going to laugh at my ridiculous joke.

"I would say be careful who you tell for there have been many who have made that claim and they have all ended up the same way - ridiculed or dead - or both."

"Who killed them?"

"Why, the Sanhedrin of course - they can't have people running round threatening their authority, challenging all they have set up. They probably wouldn't know what to do; so you would be a threat. What makes you think that you may be the 'Promised One'?"

"Well there have been some things that have happened in my life, and a lot of recent things; I'm just not really sure; that's why I've come out here to think and pray about it".

"Tell me about some of these things - if you can. Maybe I can help to put things in perspective for you; you're very young but you seem to know quite a bit already."

I thought that this conversation was going far deeper that I intended. Can I trust this old man I wonder? Who is he and where did he come from? He may be one of those working for the Sanhedrin. I wasn't sure whether to tell him or not; he was a stranger and he was asking some very direct questions. Was I prepared to take this risk? I wasn't sure, yet. So I said,

"You are very inquisitive for someone I've never met before; who are you; what is your name?"

"You are right to be cautious, young man, but you need not fear me; I'm a friend. You said you came here to be alone, so perhaps I should be on my way; let you get on with things."

I thought I might trust him a bit more so I asked him,

"Have you heard of the Baptiser; John?"

"Yes I've heard him; he has a very powerful message and many people follow him."

"Well, he's my cousin and he is blessed with a mission from God, part of which involves me; I think."

"Really; in what way?"

"Well, if you've heard him you will have heard him say that he is not the 'Promised One' but he comes to prepare the way for the 'One'."

I hesitated but his eyes were kind and I felt I could trust him; but how much?

"Well I believe that he was meaning me! And furthermore the other day I went forward to be baptised. But John said a strange thing; that he couldn't baptise me; he wasn't fit to. I didn't understand it at first but later he agreed and as he brought me up out of the water the sky seemed to open and there was this bright light; brighter than the sun alone. And there was a voice I heard; John says he didn't hear it, but it came to me whilst I was under the water."

"A voice, you say; what was the voice saying?"

I thought 'No' I can't tell him. I don't know who he is and if I can trust him. I'd better change the subject.

"I'm not sure, thinking about it. I was confused with all the water." The statement hung in the air for a while. He could see I was being evasive, but he let it pass.

"Yes I did come here to be alone; to find some space and to think about what it all means. It's very quiet here; there's peace. I've been before and I know it's a place where John comes too; in fact it was John who first showed me how to get here."

The old man sat there quietly and just smiled at me. "Do you realise the significance of this place?"

"What do you mean, significance?"

"Well, do you realise what has happened here in the past?"

"You mean apart from John baptising in the river?"

"Yes. You really have no idea have you? This is the place where Moses brought the Israelites to cross into the Promised Land returning from the exile. Do you remember what happened?"

"Of course I remember what happened; I know my scripture. Moses brought the people to the Jordan, but he died and never crossed over; it was God's promise to him after he and Aaron defied him."

"Yes, that's right and it's also the place where Elijah disappeared. Do you remember anything significant about these two that they have in common?"

I thought for a while and then I remembered, "Yes, no one knows where their bodies were buried."

"So don't you think this is a significant place now?" There was a long pause as I got to thinking about this. He was right of course, and I was playing a bit dumb, I guess. Of course I knew this was the place where Moses had brought our ancestors to cross the Jordan. John had told me this the first time we came here together. But I had forgotten about Elijah being here as well. These were the two great patriarchs of our faith; Moses representing the law, and Elijah the prophets. I wonder what they would have to say to each other if they ever met up.

Suddenly he broke the silence. "What were you thinking about just then?"

"Oh, I was just thinking about Moses and Elijah; how, of the great patriarchs, they represent the law and the prophets, the two greatest foundations of our faith."

He sat for a while before he responded. "Has anyone ever told you what kind eyes you have? All the time I was watching you just then your eyes were 'shining'. You know all this; you're just pretending that you didn't."

"You're very perceptive. It's true: well some of it. Were you testing me? There is more that I've not told you. It's to do with the Messiah thing. The truth is I'm so uncertain about it. There are things that I'm only just becoming aware of and part-memories that don't add up. I'm torn between believing and not. I can only remember bits and pieces of stories; some things I remember and others that my parents have told me; things that happened when I was young. I can remember some of these things more clearly than others and some of the things feel like I just dreamt them; like they were not real. My mind is so confused I'm not sure what is real and what is imagined. I need time to sort it all out before I can do whatever it is that God wants me to do; I am certain about that; I'm just not sure what he wants me to do.

"Do you doubt God has called you? With all this evidence you have; how can you not believe that you have been chosen? Are these things not possible for God?"

"It doesn't feel right; I'm not worthy."

"But isn't that for God to decide who is worthy or not? Tell me; why did you come out to meet with John? What was your purpose?"

"I'm not sure really. I didn't come out intending to see John; he just happened to be near here. I had heard that he had been pulling in the crowds from the villages and towns with a strong message of repentance and I was interested to hear what he was saying, and how he was saying it, so I went to see him; I felt drawn here but I didn't know why."

"Tell me more about how you felt drawn."

"I don't know really; I just had this sort of feeling that I needed to be here."

"Have you had this sort of 'feeling' before? Have things happened before that have surprised you; even amazed you?"

I thought about this for a while.

"Well, yes, as a matter of fact. There have been a few times that I have never really understood what's going on. I remember one day when I was in the market and I just had this feeling that I needed to be somewhere else and as I went there I noticed a crowd gathering around. An old man had been robbed and was lying on the ground. He looked so pitiful and nobody was doing anything for him. I didn't realise that he was blind and had been begging; the thief had taken all he had. I went over to him and helped him up and asked him where he lived. He told me he had no home but thanked me for stopping to help him. I prayed silently for his protection and for healing; I couldn't think of anything else to do, and left him. It was later that day when I heard that a blind man had been healed and his sight had been restored after he had been mugged. They were saying that it was probably the bump he had on his head that reversed an accident he had when he was a child; so I thought no more of it."

"That was the 'healing' power of the Spirit; it is strong with you."

"Wait a minute; you think I have 'healing power'."

"I know you have 'healing power' and you will learn how to use it for helping people and to show how much God loves all his people. But there is a warning attached; this gift is not to be abused... You know you have your mother's eyes".

"You know my mother?"

"Who do you think told her that you were to be born?"

"Now wait a minute; I remember my mother telling me something about how she knew she was to have me; something about an angel. I thought this was a baby story; you know how mothers go on sometimes trying to make you feel special. Are you having fun with me? This is a story, right?"

"No; this is no story; it is the truth. I should have introduced myself earlier but I was waiting to see if you remembered me, but it's quite obvious that you don't. My name is Gabriel. I brought Mary, your mother a message from God, saying that she was special; that she had been chosen to be the bearer of his Son into the world. You are that Son; no you are the man; the 'chosen one'. You are, as you suspected, the Messiah, spoken of so long ago by the prophets. It's true; the time has come, at last."

"No wait! Are you telling me that I really am the 'chosen one'?"

"But surely you have known this from an early age, have you not? Do you not remember the day in the temple when you were about 12 and you got left behind?"

"Funnily enough, I was remembering this only the other day; I had forgotten all about it; and I didn't realise the significance of it at the time. I was remembering how I got so involved in listening to the Rabbi explaining the scripture that I forgot to meet up with my family and when I did go to meet with them they had already set off without me. I remember the Rabbi saying that my knowledge of the scripture was astounding for someone of my age. I thought nothing of it; I can remember things from the scripture quite easily and my father was always taking me to the synagogue. I began reading from the scrolls from an early age. I never thought this was anything 'special'; it just felt 'right'; it was as if I had read them before. So why didn't my mother tell me all these things before?"

"She probably did; but you've forgotten; children often do; they have other things on their minds; other more interesting things, like playing games with their friends or chasing butterflies, or herding ants."

"I don't remember; and it worries me."

"Jesus, the time has now come for you to get to work; the work that God has planned for you? You do understand how unique you are, don't you? That you are both human and divine; as well as being human you are also the divine Son of God, who was with him in the beginning, together with the Spirit."

"Spirit? What is this Spirit?"

"You don't know about Spirit? Surely you have heard scriptures speak of her; she was with God and you in the beginning; she is everywhere; in everything; right now as we speak."

"That's the Spirit? How often have I read that in the scriptures? But I never imagined Spirit as a person - a part of God, more like an angel. How can I know something, someone I cannot see or touch?"

"You know about God? And yet you have not seen God. Well at least you do not remember seeing God. Likewise, I'm sure you have forgotten about Spirit. You have to learn to listen for the Spirit; feel the way she is moving you; calling you; giving you power. The Spirit will be your strength; your comfort; your companion. You must learn to trust the Spirit. You will learn. You need time and training. You are a quick learner. I know how you have studied your scripture; how this has been easy for you; a second nature; you admitted as much just now. Were you not aware that you knew all this anyway from before when you were with the Father and the Spirit? You will have to re-learn.

Do you remember how Samuel first heard God calling him in the night? He got up and went to see Eli because he thought it was he who had called. But eventually Eli realised what was happening and told Samuel that it was God calling. Eli, whose health had been failing, also realised that his time as prophet was now ending and the role was being passed to Samuel. Samuel learned to listen for God's voice calling and telling him what to tell the people. You know you are being called but you have not learned how to listen; but you will. You also need to know how to speak to the Father and the Spirit. You have a busy time ahead.

The people have been waiting for you for a very long time. God's promise has been to send his Son (a Messiah) to rule over them in his place; to replace the Kings, who were human and strayed; look at them; a great long line of Kings who started off well but then forgot God who put them there. But you are God's Son; you are both human and divine; you will not stray as they have done."

This is all so very strange; I'm finding out things very quickly; it all feels too much too soon; I am not prepared for this. There are too many things crowding my mind; trying to absorb what it all means. We sit for a long while in silence... A question comes to mind.

"But there are many who claim to be the Messiah; there have been lots of false Messiahs. How will I convince them I'm different; that I'm the real one?"

"The new kingdom has come already; the signs are already there. God will give you the words you need to point these signs out to those you meet. Those who are looking for something 'new' will see them and know that you are the 'one'. Has this not already been proved? Did you not remember Simeon and Anna in the temple?"

"I didn't remember that, but my mother spoke of this recently."

"Spirit will guide you as you go about meeting the people and speaking to them about the new kingdom, but you will need to be careful. Try not to give direct answers to questions; there will be many. Be a bit mysterious. Try answering a question with another question; tease out what it is the person is really trying to find out. You have a wonderful way of telling stories; I've seen you with your brothers and baby sisters. You could speak to the people this way. It would be different. People would remember these things."

"You've been listening to me telling stories to my brothers and baby sisters? I never saw you there."

"No you wouldn't. You didn't need to see me. I was just around keeping an eye on things; making sure you were ok!"

"How long have you been doing this? Spying on me?"

"Not spying, Jesus! Just ensuring God's plan is on track. You couldn't be denied your childhood, could you? Childhood is the greatest part of a person's development; some of one's greatest skills, charms and characteristics are formed during these early years. What happens in those years equips you for life. Those years; they're very important; children accept many things that adults don't or won't. They really listen; they absorb; they accept. In many ways it is as a child that people will have to accept God's kingdom if they are to be acceptable to God; accept it with the purity of a child's heart. You'll need to be radical in your message. You won't be what they're expecting."

"What do you mean I won't be what they're expecting? They've - we've been expecting a Messiah for centuries."

"Yes but because it's been a long time and now the Romans control the nation, there are many who believe the Messiah will come along to set up an army to drive the Romans out of Israel and Judah. That is not what God intended."

"No? So what is it that God intends?"

"I'm sure he will tell you in his own way. But now I have to go. Is there anything else you need to know?"

"Yes, why did my parents not tell me about all this sooner? Why keep it from me until now?"

"I'm not sure. You'll have to ask them that question. But one thing is sure, by not telling you it kept you safe. The best way to hide something of any value is to keep it in plain view. People don't realise the true value of something they see every day. You were probably seen by most people in the village as a sort of 'beautiful' child, with a wonderful nature about him, and that's how you will stay in their minds, much as naughty children do, but in a different way.

By the way, you never did tell me what you heard the voice saying while you were under the water. Want to tell me now?"

"You probably know this already, but it said, "You are my beloved Son; I am so pleased with you." And later the same voice said, "My Son, this is your time."

You have more or less just confirmed all this, but I'm finding it difficult to cope with. I need a bit of time to think things through."

As I looked up to see his reaction, he was not there. I looked around but could not see him; he'd gone just as quickly as he had appeared.

I slowly set off back to the cave; I felt completely drained and needed to rest. As I walked I replayed all the thoughts and memories of the conversation. I still can't believe this is happening; surely it's a dream and I shall wake up in my bed at home and go into the carpenters shop to finish off that set of chairs for Moshe.

~~~

I woke up; it was still dark, and all I could hear was an animal calling to its mate; then nothing. All was still again. My mind started to whirr once more and I went over my discussion with Gabriel. I still found it difficult to comprehend all this – revelation.

How could I have been living with of all this hidden from my memory? If I really did know who I was at 12 what happened to me all those years in between?

I suppose it could have been a way of preparing me for this time; not getting too eager to start before I really was ready; all that preparation that has been necessary. To think that all the things that have happened to me; all the things I've seen and done have all been part of that 'preparation'. But what does it all mean? What's it all about?

#  Chapter 7Bad night

Something woke me. I'm not sure if it was the noise of the wind or the sand being blasting into my face. The wind was howling something fierce; blowing in from the sea as it did quite often and suddenly. I retreated further into the cave to escape the worst of the effects and curled up into a ball with my back to the entrance and covered my head with my cloak. I could still hear the howling and feel the wind gusting on my back.

I tried to sleep but it was too difficult and my mind went into active mode; going over the events of the previous few days; doubts and fears returning once more.

Why me? What must I do? I still couldn't believe all that had happened; first my mother, then John and now this stranger; this angel; all telling me the same thing; that I am the Messiah.

Where do I start? Then the hunger pains returned to torment me: must put them aside.

I came out here for some peace and quiet; to settle my mind and determine what I should do. Fat chance of that; there has been so much going on; conversations with dubious characters turning up out of the blue. Where can I escape to for some peace and quiet?

What if I was not up to this task? It feels like a lot of pressure to do the right thing. What if the people are not convinced by what I say to them? What if it should be John who is the Messiah; not me? Yes, there could have been a mix-up? John has been training to be a religious leader; he is a Nazirite from birth, pledged to not drink wine, to let his hair go uncut and to devote his life to serve God. He has been true to his pledge and he certainly has the gift of leadership; the people were captivated by his preaching. Yes, surely that is what has happened.

Perhaps I am trying to escape from God. I wouldn't be the first. Jonah, yes Jonah the prophet, son of Amitti was running away from God because he had been told to take a severe message to the people of Nineveh. He feared for his life, so he went in the opposite direction as far as he could. But God sought him out, even rescuing him from drowning by sending the fish. Yes, Jonah was rescued by God and his message, when it finally got delivered, was so convincing that the people of Nineveh repented and were saved.

And Elijah, the greatest of the prophets, also ran away when his life was threatened by Jezebel. When he thought that he was the only God-fearing man left alive he went as far away as he could go and hid in a cave near mount Horeb; yes he was running and heard the voice of God, not in the storm, or the earthquake, or the fire, but in the quiet that followed... That's right; he heard the voice of God in the quiet. God gave him the message to go and anoint Hazael as king of Syria, Jehu as king of Israel, and Elisha to be his replacement. And he did; he listened to God and he trusted him. And he did not perish...Perhaps that is all I lack; that trust that God will take care of me.

There is something about this place; the silence; the solitude; the stillness. It is a place for listening for God...

And I am remembering now in the time of Moses; when the people were wandering in the wild places in Sinai.

Yes, in Hebrew the word for Moses' fourth scroll means "in the wilderness" and that very word 'wilderness' means 'speaking'. I see it now; the Israelites' time in the wilderness was this opportunity to speak to and to listen to God after they had escaped from slavery. They were there to listen to God, guided by Moses. The reason they spent so much time wandering round was due to their not heeding what God had to say.

Ah, yes the Psalmist knew, _"Where can I go from your Spirit? Or where can I flee from your presence?"_ there is no hiding from you, is there Lord?

After a while, my thoughts drift back to the baptism. That voice did speak to me alone. John didn't hear it. "You are my Son." Clearly that's what it said. And Gabriel, if that's who he really was, he more or less confirmed all this.

Why do I doubt so? It's all come too suddenly to me. It's difficult to take in.

Loving Lord, be with me; calm my mind; ease my pain. Help me to focus on you and your task for me. Block out this noise; this distraction so that I can hear your voice and know your will for me. Help me to trust you like Jonah and Elijah. Elijah's name seems to be cropping up quite a bit just now. First when I saw John and the people thought he was Elijah come back, as was promised. And now my remembering what he did all that time ago. They were difficult times, but you were always there guiding and empowering. Help me to feel your touch in this task. Help me to know your will for me. I'm confused and I feel alone. Be my counsel, my guide. Lord, be my peace, be my rest. Amen.

I must have eventually dropped off to sleep because when I woke I was stiff and crunched up. It was bright and quiet; the storm had gone and all was still once more. As I stirred and stood up there was sand everywhere in drifts and piles against the sides of the cave; even a shaped mound to show where I had been lying. The thoughts of the night before had settled and I felt more at peace with myself. Maybe today I could begin to address the practical issues of my task. The reality of who I was now beginning to settle and become more clear. I was beginning to accept who I was; but I still had no idea how I was to do it.

But first of all, my morning prayer.

Holy Lord, peace be to you and great thanks for the rest of the night. Give to me clarity of thought as I enter this day. Bless my family and keep them in peace. Amen.

I need a drink of water. My throat feels parched, probably due to the dust stirred up in of the storm; maybe I had been snoring. James was always complaining about my snoring when I'd had a disturbed night. So I made the delicate climb down from the cave and went to find the spring. There was debris everywhere, small branches and twigs littered the path and the sand had been reshaped by the might of the storm. I found the spring and drank deeply; it was good cool water. Not too much though, as I could feel the water sloshing about in my empty belly; a reminder that I was on a food fast.

Actually it doesn't feel too bad at the moment, so let's put it out of my mind and think about what I have to do. Funny how things seem so much clearer in the daytime. Fears and doubts cloud your judgement at night. Who knows what terrors are lurking in the shadows?

I decided, as it was such a clear morning, to go on a Sarha for a little while; to wander about and have a look around. I hadn't been back along the way I had arrived and there was an interesting mound with a strange shaped rock at its summit that I could see from the cave and I was intrigued as to how it had been formed. I could see it quite clearly a short way ahead so I made my way towards it. I hadn't gone very far when I saw a group of men walking towards me. This was unusual as there wasn't much out here and only those seeking solitude normally passed this way.

As they got closer I could see that one of them was my cousin John, but the usual broad smile and sparkle in his eyes was missing; he looked sad and upset about something.

"John, what brings you here, and looking so gloomy?"

"Jesus, I'm afraid I have bad news. Let us sit a while.

Someone came from your town to find you; they knew only that you had headed this way. It's your father, Joseph. I'm sorry. It seems that the journey he took to escort your neighbour proved too much for him, and he died. He was at peace, but because of our custom, he was buried the next day. Your mother could not get to bury him; there was not time."

This news hit me like a hammer in the gut. I could not breathe. I opened my mouth and no sound or air came out. John came over and held me.

"Breathe." He said calmly. I did and tears flowed, and I sobbed and he held me even tighter. He was being my older brother and this closeness exuded comfort and warmth.

"He was a lovely man; kind and gentle; and he loved you and your brothers and sisters. We will miss him."

As we broke from the embrace, I asked, "Where is this friend now. There are more questions I have of him?"

"He has returned. I told him I knew where you would be and I would pass on the news. I came here straight away."

"What of my mother; my brothers and sisters?"

"He said that the family were all together and that your mother's sister came by. Your mother sent word that you were not to concern yourself; that you had important work to do for God; that was all that mattered now."

"I should be there. I'm the oldest son. John, what will people think? I have failed in my duty."

Lord forgive me that I should have left them at this difficult time. Be with them all. I thank you for Joseph's life and all that he was to me and to his family. He was your devoted servant; faithful to your call. You know all he has done, so deal well with his spirit.

"Jesus, there is nothing you can do. All that was needed has been done. By the time you arrive the mourning will be over, and as your mother has said, you have this work to do for God. These are my followers, my trusty group of disciples."

I welcomed them; there were five. John spoke to them and said, "You see this man here before you; he is the one I spoke of; I am not worthy to untie the thong of his sandals; here is the Lamb of God, the 'chosen one'."

They seemed amazed at what John was telling them and they got down on their knees.

"No. No, get up." I said. "John, be careful. This is dangerous talk. Can they be trusted?"

"Of course they can, I have known them for many years. They have been travelling around with me and they love the Lord. I'm teaching them to help with my work, so they will be able to do the same as me and take the message of repentance to all in the land."

"I am pleased to see their loyalty. You are a good man, John. God bless you and your work."

One of the men came forward and spoke to John. "He has asked if he can pray for you; in your loss and for your work to come."

"Of course," I replied. "Where did you learn to pray for someone else?"

"Why, through John of course. He has taught us how to do this. Let me share with you." He looked up to the sky and then bowed his head and held his arms out wide, then began to speak with a soft and gentle voice.

" _O loving and gentle God, we ask our prayer for your servant Jesus and his family. Bless them at this time of their loss of Joseph, and help them to mourn his departing with gladness for a faithful servant and thanksgiving for a loving husband and father. We ask you to bear his soul to rest with you and those who have gone before. We ask your blessing on your servant, Jesus, and the work you have set aside for him. Give him power and strength to do this work. Amen."_

"Amen" was the united response from all gathered around.

"Thank you. What is your name?"

"Thomas." He replied.

"Thank you, Thomas. May God go with you all. And thank you John, for bringing me this news, sad though it is. May God bless you for coming out of your way to do this act of great kindness. I will always remember this."

We said our farewells and they turned and set off to return to their work of baptising and preaching God's word. I watched them as they walked away, until they were out of sight; and then more tears came, as I thought of my family bearing this news without me to comfort them. I will need to be stronger now.

#  Chapter 8A dream?

I couldn't sleep and was now wide awake, and walking around the confines of the cave. Stomach cramps again and my head was aching. Oh for this to pass.

The storm was getting closer. The lightning was flashing more frequently; the thunder getting louder. My mind was in turmoil. After one more tremendous thunder clap that seemed to reverberate around the empty cave several times I shouted out "My God, why this? Why me? Why now?"

This has changed things. It can't be happening,

"Tell me it's a dream", I shouted.

"It's not a dream."

I jumped. The voice came from behind me and as I turned to see who it was a massively bright flash of lightning exposed the silhouetted figure at the entrance to the cave and I fell backwards in surprise.

"Gabriel you surprised me."

"It's not Gabriel, Jesus, it's me. "

"Sorry - do I know you? I don't recognise your voice. Come in away from the storm, I think it's going to rain soon. How did you climb up here in the dark? Come a little closer so I can see your face."

But he didn't need to, as his face shone and I could see his features quite clearly. It was my face, or as I remembered my face from a reflection in the lake. It was uncanny and I quite literally tingled all over; a shiver running through my entire body; I went cold.

"You called me and you seemed – upset. Jesus, do you still not know me?"

"No... I don't think so, but you look very familiar. Should I know you? What is your name friend?"

"Jesus; I am your Father..."

"Joseph? No I don't have a father; he's just died." Saying the words brought back the memories and the pain of earlier; the torment of my helplessness returned and I cried once more. Huge sobbing bursts with loud cries. My whole gut ached. I felt a soft hand on my shoulder and heard his voice.

"Jesus, I am your Father... your heavenly Father. I know all about Joseph. He is in a good place now; resting. He is so proud of you."

"Really?" Who is this person? "I don't think so. You're too young to be my father. And if it was you I heard earlier, your voice is different. You sound different. And anyway, if you're my Heavenly Father that means you...you must be.... God!"

I fell to my knees and buried my face in my hands.

"I am dreaming; this cannot be happening. No-one sees God and lives, isn't it true?"

"You're not dreaming and you're not going to die; well not just yet anyway. People don't always die when they see me; there have been some exceptions you know. And since you seem to be struggling with all this I thought I needed to come to... to reassure you. I want you to know that I don't do this for everyone and that you are a true exception."

He was smiling; a sense of humour; that's nice! His voice was soft and gentle and he helped me to my feet.

"Wow – you look so like me!"

"That's hardly surprising is it?"

"How do you mean?"

"Well you are me – we are the same, but in different forms at the moment."

"I don't quite follow."

"Gabriel was right – you have a lot to learn. Do you not remember all this; what we planned? All the discussions we had about claiming back what we set up after it went wrong... for the second time?"

"I need to sit down. This is hard to take in. I don't seem to remember any of these things I'm hearing; first from Gabriel and now you. Are you really my heavenly Father? Not God? Not Almighty God?"

He was nodding, and smiling.

"You seem quite different to what I expected. You're so.... young-looking and quite...human, not God-like as I imagined."

"What did you imagine; that I'd be wrinkled and with a long grey beard? Yes I've heard others say that, but you will remember that although I created humans to look like me, they are not like me in every way. We are different in as many ways as there are people. Whatever anyone imagines me to look like – that is what I look like; until we meet up. I've seen it all before so I should know. You'd be surprised how many see their own face, and it is wonderful to behold, I can tell you... So tell me what you do remember."

"Well, not much, apparently. Some things are beginning to come into my mind; some memories of my childhood; distinctive things that happened, but only because Gabriel jogged my mind. There are things my mother told me that I was too young to remember.

If we share the same divinity but then I became human, something must have happened to affect my memory so that I started as a human child would do; knowing nothing and then only knowing what they are exposed to over time. Was I supposed to have started sooner than now?"

"No, now is the right time."

"I've already lived half of my life; I feel as though I've wasted my time up until now if there was something you really wanted me to do."

"You've not been wasting your life. Remember there is a time and a purpose for everything under heaven."

"You're quoting Solomon to me?"

"Where do you think Solomon heard it first? All of the incidents that have happened in your life have been for a reason. They are experiences that you will need to draw on to explain the reason you have come to them."

"And what is the reason?"

"It's time for a change, Jesus. Things are getting out of hand here and the people need to change their way of living. John has already started the work, preparing the way for you, as Isaiah and other prophets had forewarned.

I want you to tell the people about a new agreement I want to make with them. I'm bringing a new kingdom in where the people will take on individual responsibility for their lives and where they can have free access to me instead of needing a priest at the temple. The time is coming when I will be worshipped all over the world so it makes no sense to only being able to worship at one location. This new kingdom will be wonderful. It will be Eden all over again; as it used to be before Adam and Eve spoiled it by their disobedience. But I have forgiven them now and it's time for a fresh start. I realise that I have made the people pay for that mistake for far too long; it's time for forgiveness and I want all people to enjoy what has been created. We can be a happy family once more. This is your task.

You have to tell them about how wonderful it will be. Tell them what the new kingdom is all about; that anyone is welcome."

"Anyone? Gentiles as well as Jews?"

"Yes, anyone. On one condition though; that they confess their wrongdoing and accept me as their God. I realise that this is a difficult task, Jesus, and that it can only be done by you.

Some of the things that have happened to you whilst you have been here will be significant experiences. You may not think so just yet, but as you get drawn into situations and questions about the kingdom, you can use them to explain in a way that the people will understand; because they will have had similar experiences; they will understand. There is another reason why you could not start this work until now."

"Oh yes. Why is that?"

"Because no one would listen to a person who has not yet come of age; no one would take you seriously. They might think you were a bit of a freak if you became the child with the adult mind. But you're here now, and ready to start. We were beginning to wonder when you might make a start."

"We; who else is there?"

"You really have forgotten, haven't you? Do you not remember the Spirit? She has been with you since you were born, watching over you; helping you to decide what to do. Did you not feel her presence as you came here?"

"Well, yes Gabriel spoke of her. I did have a strange feeling about things that I couldn't understand. There have been times when something has been on my mind and I haven't known what to do for the best. Decisions have been going round in my head; keeping me awake in the night; I've been worrying over those decisions; wondering if I'd made the right choice, even changing my mind until my mind was eased; that sort of thing? Gabriel was saying something about Spirit; about how her always being there and that I need to practice looking for her, but it's difficult when you can't see someone. Is she here now, here in this cave?"

"Yes, of course. I think I'd better sit down, as we're likely to be here a while. I think we seriously misjudged how coming in human form would affect your supernatural powers. Let me start with who you are – or have you got that now?

"Well I sort of get the message that I'm the Messiah, and possibly God's Son – I mean your Son, but born of human parents"

"There's no 'sort of' about it. You are what you surmise."

"But you really want me to be the Messiah? Isn't the Messiah supposed to die; to be executed just to prove a point? Just to justify what the prophets spoke of all that time ago."

"Yes it's what we decided. I chose you because there was no one else who could be trusted. You had to be human to show that after Adam, there was a way out from sin.

You are the only one who can do this; it is so important we cannot afford it to go wrong because it bridges the gap that has developed between us and the people. You will be the link to bring them back. You can see how we've lost them. You can see what happens when those in power behave like they do; everything for their own benefit; never thinking about the plight of others. We need to redress the balance. The last time we did it we went too far."

"What; you mean the flood?"

"Yes, I mean the flood. I was so angry with the people; they just would not listen. I tried to do things too quickly and it was a disaster because the lesson was too hard.

Jesus there's no one else can be trusted to do this; not properly. Not the right way. It's very important we get it right this time. It's taken a lot of planning and we know how wilful people can be, don't we? If there was another way to do this then let me know.

The people have misunderstood me for too long now; they're beginning to forget. They think I'm too hard; a tyrant, and maybe I was a bit in some situations but you know how hard I tried. But they were hard-hearted and would not see sense. They had to be taught a lesson, because how else were they going to be better; to be what they could be? They are all, each one of them capable of being supreme but there are too many failures. And that's what I want you to do; to show them that they are not failures; that I still love them; they're each very precious, and I want them back. I want you to rescue them; especially the fallen and the broken. These priests really have gone too far. I never intended them to turn a way of life into so much ritual. The rules were there to help them keep healthy and look after each other, but instead they have used the rules to control and manipulate. They're out of control; self-important and too powerful. I don't like it and too many people have been hurt.

So this is what we have to do to bring things back to where they should be. You have to announce a Jubilee; it's why the timing is right now. Start again with a more simple set of rules. Rules appropriate for the lives they are living now; not rules for when they were roaming the desert. They have progressed and the rules need to change. Love is to be the foundation of everything, starting with their love for me and each other. This will be a shock to most people, but the greatest demonstration of my love for them will be your greatest contribution."

"So is this what you want me to do?"

"Yes it is. But I'm not sure you really appreciate what lies at the end of what I'm asking you to do. Jesus, what do you say would be the greatest act of love someone could perform?"

"Oh, I don't know. Giving up their most treasured possession?"

"And what would you say was your most treasured possession?"

I thought for a while, and then it struck me. This was immense! "I love my family. Is that what you are asking me to give up, my family? I've already lost my father"

"I am; but there's more."

"More? Losing my father was painful enough. I still can't believe it. I have failed in my duties as the first-born to be with them at this time."

"Yes, I know how you must be feeling. Joseph was a really good man; faithful and true. He was a good father to you, and will be missed by all the family. But he is in a good place now and at peace; you will see him again, some time. Come now, you are avoiding my question. After your family, what is it that you hold most dear?"

"After my family, well there's only my own life. Oh, God! It's the crucifixion you're on about isn't it? Is this what you're telling me to do, to give up my life for you? To be a sacrifice for you; but for what? Wait, is this a test just as Abraham was asked to sacrifice Isaac to prove his obedience to you?"

"Jesus, I'm not testing you here. We spoke about this at great length and agreed that it was the only way to go. Let me remind you.

We agreed that we were heartily sick of the people bring their constant sacrifices. The smell of burning and waste is now offensive; it's become just ritual. There is no remorse; no regret and no intention to change their behaviour. So long as these people can buy their forgiveness like this they will not change; and it's change I want to see. It's for their own good.

What I need is one final sacrifice. After this one there will be no more. I need a sacrifice to end all sacrifices. Instead of the people killing all these animals and birds and wasting all their first fruits of the harvests of oil and grain, they will be able to pray for forgiveness. To pray by themselves without having to have a priest do it on their behalf. Enough of ritual; more compassion and devotion is what I am seeking.

You have a bigger duty than to just your family, my Son. I'm afraid what I'm asking of you is more than even this. I'm asking, not telling. And if you decide to do this you will have to leave your family because the task at hand requires all your attention; you cannot afford distractions and other responsibilities. A man ploughing a field cannot look back for fear that the oxen will not keep the furrow straight. Is this true? Your brothers will manage fine. They will all manage fine. Spirit will watch over them.

Your sacrifice will be a magnanimous gesture; a sign of seismic change. In the past it has been the people who die to protect their King. The many become the sacrifice for the few. My way will be the opposite; the King will sacrifice his life to save his people. This would be something the people will remember. There can be no greater demonstration of love than that someone lay down their life for a friend. Am I right?"

"Yes, I'm beginning to understand. But it is a huge step to make. So, you want me to be that sacrifice? To die so that the people will come back to you? But after a while people will forget and it will not be remembered, so what will have been the point?"

"That is not the end to it. It gets better."

"What, it gets better?"

"Yes it does. You will come back. You will be dead for three days and then you will return. We worked this out a long time ago, remember? That will be something very special; the people will never forget. The prophets foretold that this would happen."

"Coming back from being dead. You mean resurrection? Ah yes, it says this is in the Psalm "for you will not leave my soul among the dead or your holy one to rot in the grave.""

"You do remember your scripture well."

"So when will this be? Will I know when it is to happen?"

"You will not know when or how; just that it is to happen; it's the only way to make such a difference. It's unique. If you remember, the only reason people die is because of their fall. Eternal life was removed when Adam disobeyed. This is a way for each of them to get their lives back, but they must trust and believe, otherwise they just die and return to the dust. It will be remembered and it will convince the people more than any other single act."

"So does this mean I get to come back to stay? Then I can get married and have a family. You know this is what I was hoping for?"

"No, Jesus. You only come back for a short while and then you return to us. Your work here will be done, but we are not too far from this place and I shan't come back again but continue to pray; speak to me that way. I must say that you have an interesting way of addressing me. Not many call me their 'heavenly Father' I find it very pleasing.

Be at peace and know this; that I am with you always. No, more than this; know that not only will Spirit and I be with you, we will be IN you. You have to work out the best way to do this but you have had good training and experiences in your human life so far. You are a good story-teller; I've heard you with your brothers and sisters. You will be a great teacher and preacher because you know and understand how people are; what they have endured; what concerns them; how they live their lives and relate to each other. This intimacy is something you lose when you're all divinity but you have the best of both worlds; you are both divine and human; you understand both sides, or you will by the time your work here is finished. Your divine nature is something you are going to have to work on to catch up but Spirit and I will help you. I've seen that you are a fast learner and quick-witted.

Remember, as a divine being, you have extreme power at your disposal, but this comes with responsibility; and a warning, Jesus. Use it wisely. Using it for your own benefit will have consequences; you must only use it for others; for healing; for insight; for teaching. There will be times when you will be tempted to use it prove who you are, or to avoid what awaits you in the final days, but that is not why you have been sent. We've done that before and it achieved nothing; people were not moved to remember. This way they will remember for a long time. This way is something really different; it's a sort of negative power. Instead of a powerful leader imposing their will on the people and the people dying for them; our way is the opposite; the powerful leader will die for the people. How convincing will that be?

Jesus, every living soul is precious to me and I want you to go and find them and bring them back to me. Show them that I'm not interested in why they've taken a wrong turn; just that they turn round and come back to me. This is the message that John has started; preparing the way for you. It's an amnesty for all people. If they truly repent of their wrong decisions and come back, all will be forgiven. You have the power to forgive. I've prepared a place in this new kingdom for all who call on me, through your work. Let this be a constant message to the people; emphasise the positive side and demonstrate it to those you meet on your way. Go to meet the people and show them always that I love them, no matter what their sins have been. You will be their way to forgiveness. You will be the people's ultimate sacrifice. Through your sacrifice the people can come to me direct; they won't have to go through the priest any more. They can speak to me and I will speak to them; through Spirit. You will save them...for me, and I will be eternally grateful. But if they fail to take this chance, then they're on their own. Neither you nor I can do any more for them."

"When you speak of 'the people' you seem to refer to everyone. Am I right in thinking that this includes others, non-Jews; the gentiles?"

"They're people too, aren't they Jesus? Of course I include the gentiles. This is part of the problem; the Jews seem to think that since I made them the 'chosen' race that everyone else was excluded. This has just gone too far now. Of course the Jews are 'special' but it does not mean that my love is exclusively for them. This is your main task, Jesus; showing all people that my love is for them. No-one is to be left out. Do you understand?"

"I'm beginning to. This is going to be very difficult. There will be much resistance. You know how petulant the Jews can get over issues like this. I'm not sure I will be the sort of leader you're hoping for. I'm a carpenter, not a leader. What do I know of leadership?"

"Indeed, but what sort of a leader do you suppose they are hoping for, given what's going on in the world? Think about it, Jesus. The Roman leaders believe only in their own strength and power. They think they're invincible; they don't really understand from where they get their power. Look at Herodias who already believes he's a god. You won't raise an army that will defeat Rome. That's not the way; and what about those in power in Jerusalem? They won't welcome a usurper that easily. I'm just saying that you need to think things through before you go bursting in. More can be achieved by gentleness and persuasion than brute force. By showing love to those you meet you will win their hearts, and their minds will follow. You have these qualities.

Look at your ancestor, David. He was a shepherd, never trained as a warrior, but he became a great warrior and leader. He was a faithful servant who was gentle and kind. Look at all his writings; the Psalms expressing his love, his fears; giving great hope to generations. He wasn't perfect, but he repented. I'm not looking for perfect people; there's no such thing. I want people with good and obedient hearts.

Look to the prophets; Daniel, for example, and Isaiah, of course. Remember what they foretold. These will be the signs the people will be looking for, plus of course what you will say to them when you are full of the Holy Spirit. Forgiveness won't just happen in the temple from now on. Don't you see now how you are the only one who can do this?

I must be going and leave you to prepare, but don't think I'm deserting you; I'll be with you every step of the way, as will Spirit. Next time we meet will be back in the new kingdom; it's not far from here. Keep close to me and speak with me constantly. You are my Son and I love you."

"Now that my Abba has gone, will you be my Abba, my heavenly Abba?"

"I will; I always have been."

I sat for a while pondering on what he'd just told me... He broke the silence.

"What are you thinking about? What is troubling you?

"Oh I don't know. Well it's about Spirit; I was just trying to think about how I might know when she's close"

"My Son, that will not be difficult. You've already met her when you were baptised. Remember the dove?"

"The dove that came out of the bright sky, that settled on me? Yes I became all warm and my body shook, and tears flowed. I did not know what was happening to me."

"That was a manifestation of the Spirit, which enters all who truly repent. You now possess the Spirit; she is in you; she will be with you always. You're still looking puzzled."

"I was remembering... and I never knew... it was a wonderful feeling I didn't want it to stop... I think I always imagined Spirit as being male, not female; I don't know why."

"Why should that trouble you? The world is full of both male and female, as reflected in all creation, so why not with God also? In the present age it is a male-dominated world but it will not always be like this. Life needs balance and too much of one view is not good. There needs an equal balance between firmness and tenderness; qualities that we have but not present in many humans. This is one more aspect of our love that needs to be shared with the people. It is good that you question this, as it reinforces the reason why you are right for this task. My son, remember that I will always be with you, as will Spirit, however you think of her."

With those words he slowly disappeared from my sight. The cave was now eerily quiet and empty. The cold descended and I shuddered.

Suddenly there was an almighty bolt of lightning that hit the ground outside and an ear-splitting crash of thunder followed almost immediately. Rain started to hammer down, splashing into the cave. I retreated to the back of the cave to a dry area.

I don't know what put it into my head: must have been that he mentioned Daniel, but it came to me. Daniel, a great prophet, has a strange dream which an angel interprets for him. So strange was the dream that he wrote it all down; a dream about four beasts like no one had ever seen before, each with mighty powers. They came out of the great sea which had been stirred up by four mighty winds. They were each destroyed by the 'ancient one' who was greater than the beasts. Presumably the 'ancient one' was God. But one 'like a human being' came to the 'ancient one' and to him was given dominion and glory and kingship; that all people, nations and languages should serve him. Is this me? Am I the 'one like a human'?

The more I think about it the more I am remembering the prophesies about the Messiah. I need to be very careful, as there have been many usurpers; many false Messiahs. And the scriptures have been misread. If only I could remember more.

Was I really with the Father and Spirit speaking about all this; deciding what we must do? I'm finding this all very confusing; my mind can't settle. I'm tired and hungry and my mind is everywhere at once.

Abba, it feels strange now praying to someone I've only just met. You've told me so much tonight that I need to take in. I have mixed feelings of sadness and happiness; hope and yet fear. I need rest to be able to tackle this and I won't rest if I start churning things over in my mind tonight. So give me rest and peace. Amen.

Then I heard the voice in my head.

"Jesus, you don't have a lot of time, you need to make the most of it."

"How long do I have?"

"I can't tell you, but not long."

#  Chapter 9Dawning

When I awoke, I was not on my mat but the bare floor at the back of the cave. I was cold and felt stiff all over. My head was thumping and I needed some water. The storm had passed and presented me with a beautiful bright and sunny morning. I could hear birdsong. I couldn't imagine what birds would live out here but I definitely heard it.

What a strange dream I had last night. At least I think it was a dream. It must have been a dream. As I walked to the front of the cave to take in the glorious vista, I saw something on the floor that had not been there before. As I knelt down to take a closer look to see what it was...yes it is; there can be no mistake. There on the very place where he had been standing when his face shone were two distinct bare footprints indelibly etched into the stone. A shiver ran through my body with the realisation that it was him; he was here; it was real; it wasn't a dream. It had happened just as I remembered.

A warm glow passed through my body and the stiffness seemed to melt away. Then reality brings me back; I desperately need to pee and have a drink of water; my throat is dry and sore again. I climbed down from the cave entrance and wandered off to the spring. It was bubbling away so I stooped to cup some water in my hand. I had a quick wash which was quite invigorating; I've just noticed how pronounced my ribs are becoming; that's the fasting; must get dressed, no need to bring back the memory of the hunger pains. As I wandered about I noticed all the small plants with beautiful flowers; they weren't here yesterday; such colour and beauty in this inhospitable place. The rain had refreshed everything. He really does work wonders!

Abba, thank you. Father, are you listening to me? Did you really come to meet me last night? Of course you did; it was too real not to be a dream. I need to get used to this, but it still feels strange.

After last night, how can I be in any doubt about who I am and what I have to do? It still scares me though. All that you said was such a comfort, but I'm not ready yet to do this. I need more time to get ready, and I need to feel more confident, so be with me this day as I work out what I must do. Amen.

I shall go for a short Sarha to soak in this wondrous morning before it gets too hot. I can start on planning what I have to do as I walk around. I have a lot to think about after what I heard last night.

There's such a lot to do and so little time. Maybe I should start straight away... but I don't know what I will be saying and where I will go... This is the lack of confidence starting to show right away. Let's think this thing through.

I have a message to give. I now think I know what this is... but it's a long complicated message, it will take time to tell this. It's not a short message you can pass on in a moment; it will take time.

So I have to wait until I am in a situation where there will be time to explain. Maybe this will be when there are a lot of people gathered together... I need something to grab their attention. Father said I had powers to heal. Maybe that's it; I have to heal someone to get their attention. Then they will listen to what I have to tell them.

What was it Gabriel said? "Be mysterious." Yes stories, tales... I know there are those parables that the Rabbi told; stories with a hidden meaning. This is what I will do. If I tell a few of these, people will want to hear more and come to listen, especially if they are really mysterious. That will be my opportunity.

So I need to start thinking about some of the stories to tell...

#  Chapter 10My family remembered

The last few days have been quiet and peaceful. I've spent quite a lot of the time just thinking about the things that were said the other night, but my mind has been wandering and not focussing on anything in particular.

I'm still concerned that I have very few childhood memories, or memories of those 'important' things that have happened to me which will be useful as 'illustrations', as my Father put it.

Lord, am I such a dullard that I can't remember a single thing that may be useful to me? Perhaps these things will only come when an incident arises. Is that it? Maybe the Spirit will help me here. Are you near me? Let me feel your presence...

Nothing. How am I to believe in these things? If I can't believe in them, how am I to get anyone else to believe in them?

Lord, I'm sorry; this hunger is making me really irritable. This is too difficult for me. Can't you find someone else to do this? How long must I be here?

I went to sit at the entrance to the cave with my legs dangling over the edge into space as I kicked them back and forth. It felt refreshing with the cool air rising up the rock face and rippling over my bare legs. It reminded me of a time when my father took me and two of my brothers, Joseph and James to the next village. We went to pick up some timber for a job and borrowed a couple of donkeys from a neighbour to bring it back. Timber was in short supply at the time as there was a lot of work going on in the garrison, so we set off to collect some roof beams from a derelict building we knew about. It was thirsty work retrieving the timber without too much damage and we stopped for a while to rest. I remember that we all sat in a line on one of the beams that still remained in place and we dangled our legs in the breeze to cool off; kicking them about just like this. We laughed; it was great fun. Simple things amused us.

We were just boys then but we worked as hard as most men. And we had to especially after our father had his first accident that stopped him working for a while. His work was fine; as fine as any carpenter, especially in the shop. It was his balance on the site that seemed to be his problem. I think he realised he had a problem here which was why he avoided taking on too much work that took him away from the shop; but this was the work that made the most money, which is why, when we got older we took it on. He was fine working on the small items; the more delicate skilled work, but not where climbing was involved as he had several falls.

Funny how I've drifted to thinking about my family once more. It's been really painful thinking about them since I had the news of my father's passing. He was a lovely father to us all, but being the eldest I did have that 'special' time when I had him all to myself. It's a shame I don't remember so much of those days.

It's about the first time since I've been here that my thoughts have turned to them and I feel quite tearful. I do miss them. I've left them now and I don't know if I'll see them again. If I shut my eyes, I can see their faces smiling at me; but they weren't like that when I left. There were tears; especially from my sisters Martha and Elizabeth.

Martha's the baby. Well I say baby; she is what, 15 now, and so sweet, with a lovely nature. I don't think she understands much of this. Mother will be trying to find a husband for her soon. She'll make a fine wife and mother, just like Elizabeth, married to Samuel, a farmer. They already have two children, both daughters which means they will struggle with the farm. But they are all strong and very committed to each other. My nieces are lovely; they giggle so when I play with them.

And there was Judas; he's such a scamp; always was and still is. He was always getting into scrapes and never learning how not to get caught. He seems to court trouble, but he has a heart of gold really. I was surprised how upset he was when I said goodbye.

The one I thought would be upset was Simon. But he wasn't; or at least he didn't show it. I guess as one of the middle children he gets sort of missed out of things; he's used to getting on without a fuss. He's a survivor and very strong. He's as strong as James even though he's four years younger. He's quite a scholar too; his reading has really progressed.

Now I've left, Joseph and James will be able to carry on the business with my father gone. He was well respected as a carpenter; got a lot of repeat business, especially from the traders. They will make a living for the family and take care of our mother. Joseph has the business head, but James is the thinker, who resolves all the problems.

Oh mother! How it pains me to think of her bereft of her Joseph. She is such a loving and gentle lady. Everybody loves her. See how quickly our neighbour, Elizabeth came round to see her when she was in trouble. Reliable, see, and always knows what to do. She never really says much but that belies what she knows. She knew I had to go but didn't like it; she understood and encouraged me to leave; wouldn't stand in my way. I have only really got to know her role in all this quite late. The pressure she must have been under to bear what she has all my life; the knowledge; the responsibility she has carried. All the times she's said, "Jesus, be careful". She didn't do it with the others and I used to think it was because she couldn't trust me to do things; that she was just being a bit over-protective. But I see now that it wasn't like that at all.

Bless her for that, Father. In fact, bless them all.

What secrets she has carried; but not alone as my father had been a party to all that has happened. It is through his family connections that he was chosen to be my guardian. But he's been more than just a guardian to me. He has been my father as surely as if he – as if he was my natural parent. He never treated me any differently, and never gave any sign of favour with my siblings. To him we were all the same; his beloved children.

Lord, I'm struggling here. I still find this difficult to comprehend that you should send me here in such a way. What happened is surely a miracle; a divine gift of God. In fact this whole story is an amazing story. You really did risk all for this to happen. It's just beginning to dawn on me how spectacular this whole thing has been. My life has been 'charmed' to say the least. The risk of losing a baby or a mother in childbirth is high. The escape to Egypt to avoid the jealous murder attempt by Herod and then the risks of my surviving childhood with its inherent dangers is truly amazing. But of course you were always there; you or Spirit. And of course there is Gabriel; ever present to bring the message of warning. How could I doubt what you say? It's taking its time but forgive me that I doubted you.

Spirit, come now to guide me; instruct me in your ways.

As I looked to my side I saw a faint, very faint glow in the shape of a person sitting alongside me with her legs dangling down kicking at the breeze. And then, just as suddenly as it appeared, it disappeared. As I looked at the distant horizon I felt a warm glow inside. The sun was setting, and it promised to be a glorious sunset and another fine day tomorrow.

I sat for a long time until I was sitting there in the dark. It was still warm with a gentle warm breeze still rippling around my legs. A perfect end to a perfect day. Tomorrow I would make a start on my plan in earnest.

#  Chapter 11Another life?

I'm awake again and it's very dark. What was it that disturbed my sleep? The hunger pains are there, my constant companion; reminding me of my unfinished business. Now that my eyes have got used to the darkness the stars seem very bright, lighting up the entrance to the cave.

Since I've been here I've spent a lot of time just staring into the night sky. It's so beautiful. So many colours and twinkling lights; it's hard to imagine the mind that created them. It's one of the mysteries for which I have no memory, but I should have. This is one of the puzzles that concerns me so and takes up much of my time; time I should be using for other purposes, but until I understand more I cannot think about how to go about the task.

I do spend much of my time in prayer and many hours in total silence; listening and focussing on my heavenly Father and this task. I've remembered my family; how they will manage without me; how I will manage without them. It's been quite difficult coping with such a change in my surroundings; one time in a cramped house full of parents and brothers and sisters; and then in total solitude; in isolation, completely alone. Well alone in terms of human presence.

All this time I have been only thinking about me and how I will do things. Yes I've thought about my family from time to time, but the one person I haven't thought about is Hanna....

Hanna was, is, my childhood sweetheart. We've been together for as long as I can remember. She is my best friend; we have been everywhere together; done everything together; borne each other's aches and pains together. She's almost family, as she spends so much time with our family, and they all love her too.

I thought we would be married and have our children together, but somehow we never got that far. If we were going to marry we'd have done it so much sooner, but she never said anything about it and I never asked.

We are very close and we have had our moments of passion. Sweet memories of togetherness and intimacy..... but we always held back from final union, knowing that this was special and should be saved. But saved for what now? What was it that held me back and robbed us of what could have been?

Was this you working, Lord? Was it Spirit telling me that it was not to be? If I am truly human, why am I to be denied this truly human experience; this oneness of male and female union and the creation of new life? It feels like a punishment; a penance for being the Messiah. Is this what it is? Has this been another test to see if I could resist?

Long silence now as I wait and listen for an answer...I didn't even go to see her before I came away so she will not know why I had to come here. My lovely Hanna...I'm so sorry...Another long silence as I wait...

Not my will, but yours, Abba. I see it now. But help me ease the pain for Hanna. Send Gabriel to explain so that she understands. It's not too late for her to find a husband.

I realise that that was another life I might have had, but I need to focus on this life; a life with an important mission. If I am to be denied a wife and children, I will make my mission especially about the welfare of mothers and children; of widows and orphans. This part of society is sadly neglected despite what it says in the scripture (1) "Do not exploit widows and orphans. If you do then I will hear their cry and I will help them." Also in the prophets (2) "Learn to do good. Seek justice. Help the oppressed. Defend the orphan. Fight for the rights of widows."

Abba, how long have I got to do this; before it ends? I know, you can't tell me. All this uncertainty frightens me and I miss my family. Will I ever see them again? Help me get through this, Father.

Suddenly I hear the noise. Was this what woke me I wonder? Something was thrashing about in the scrub below the cave. Although the brightness of the stars shows up shadows and shapes, I can't make out whatever it is; some animal on the prowl, and it's quite large; maybe a bear. Bears can climb so I start to worry that I'm safe.

Why should I feel fear? How brave is that? I'm descended from David, the giant killer, who fought with lions and bears to protect his sheep. But that is not a life that I know. I don't understand animals and how they are; what lengths they will go to feed their young ones. Maybe I should know more about the animal kingdom, especially as I was around when it was created. I must do something about this memory loss.

He's still moving around out there, I can hear the rustling of the bushes. I strain at the cave entrance to see what it might be. It could be a mountain lion. They also can climb. My fear returns. I have nothing with which to protect myself. I have strong arms from lifting heavy timbers but that is no match for sharp teeth and claws.

Abba, how can I stand here and be so afraid when you are with me. What little trust do I put in you and your ability to see that no harm comes to me? Forgive me for having so little trust in you. How will I be able to get people to trust me if I cannot trust you?

All appears quiet now. Whatever it was has decided to move away, and I feel relief.

Abba, thank you.

#  Chapter 12More visitors

I was feeling very weak but I decided to go for a drink at the spring. It had been dry for several days now and the spring was weak. "You're feeling it too." I spoke out loud. "What's this? Am I talking to myself now?" This lack of food is having its affect.

Apart from the headaches and the constant feeling of hunger, I feel faint at times. The feeling passes in time but it is almost constant. At least it brings my focus back to the task at hand, but I do feel a bit hemmed in by always being within the confines of the cave.

This place has been a refuge from the weather; the heat of the sun, which can be extreme at times; the rain and wind with its constant blast of sand; a physical protection against hunting animals. But it can also feel like a prison cell when the weather is bad. I need to escape for a while.

"I shall walk and think, and pray."

You'll like that, Father, won't you?

I won't go far on my Sarha. The drink refreshed me and I set off in a direction I had not been before. There were lots more of those beautiful flowers here in sheltered spots. I cannot cease to be surprised by such glory in so desolate a place. It is true that flowers do nothing to earn their keep but their glory is as great as any fine robe worn by a wealthy merchant or king.

It's also like the smile of children from even the poorest families, they can light up the coldest heart with their pure innocent joy. These are riches indeed; who needs money? There are so many simple joys in life.

"How did I get up here?" I'm talking to myself again. I look around me and notice that in my distraction I've climbed up a great mound and have a wonderful vista over the countryside in all directions. The sun is high so I can see clearly for many miles. I can see the water of the great lake shimmering in the very far distance. As I turn around I can see dark hills rising.

"Beautiful up here isn't it?"

I nearly jumped out of my skin! Who said that? I did hear a voice. As I turned I saw a stranger walking up the hill from the other side.

"I did not see you coming; you gave me quite a scare."

I had been looking this way just now and I had seen no one. Where had he come from?

As he came up alongside me I could see that he was a young man of about my age. We stood for a little while gazing at the view, turning occasionally to take it all in.

"How far do you think you can see?" he said. His voice was gentle and smooth as silk. "There are countries beyond Judah; Egypt in this direction." He was pointing to the southwest, then turning he pointed to the west. "Rome is over the great lake over there, and to the north is Syria, Phrygia. And over this way is Mesopotamia".

"You are well travelled, sir. Have you been to all these places?"

"Oh yes, and many more beside. Have you been there too?"

"Oh no. I have not travelled very far. I am a carpenter from Nazareth."

"Yes, I know who you are. People speak well of you. All of what you see from here is mine. I have dominion over it all."

"That's a mighty claim which I think the Emperor, Caesar might challenge."

"What is Caesar; a mere passing thought? If you are the Son of God, as you claim, I could give you all of this; I could make you King of this world. You would be very wealthy and powerful. It's what you've come to do isn't it? I know that you care for the poor of this world. You could end their poverty at a stroke. It would be my gift to you. You would have dominion over all the lands of the world; all the peoples of the world; all the wealth of the world. There is no end to what you might have; and I can give it to you right now if you want it."

"Who are you? Who are you that you can do this? Are you greater than God?"

"Who is this God? I have something greater than your God can ever give you. All you have to do is worship me; it's as simple as that. This would be so much easier than the path you must take with this so-called God of yours. What has he asked you to do? To die a cruel death for him? For what? What will you get out of it? Nothing; just an early grave. Think of all the things you've not done yet. You've not had a woman; you've not got married and had children of your own. You've not partied; you've not got any nice clothes or jewels. You've not even got your own house. You could have a very fine house with servants. You could provide many things for your mother and the family. You could want for nothing. Just do this one thing and anything you have ever wanted could be yours. It's so easy. You just have to say one word – "yes", and it's all yours."

He was very persuasive. It was true that there were many things that I had not done with my life and it was true that the way ahead seems bleak; hard and difficult decisions to be made. It was true that I had come to bring help to the poor and healing for the sick. Money would be one solution. I could achieve many of these objectives so easily with great wealth.

"I'm waiting for an answer. Is it so difficult?"

Why was I even thinking of this as an alternative? My response should have been automatic but no, here I am actually listening to this drivel. I exploded in an angry response.

"NOOOO!" I shouted at the top of my voice. I was shocked with the ferocity of this response and I shivered all over. I continued shouting. "NOOOOO!

"Never! Never! Don't you know what the great scripture says that there is only one God? Get away from me you, you Satan; you devil. I will never be shaken from the path chosen by my Father, no matter how difficult it may seem. I have no need of these things. The only thing I need is love, and I get this for free from my heavenly Father. Get away from my sight."

As I turned away from him, I heard his first few footsteps in the opposite direction, and as I turned back to watch him go, all I saw was a sidewinder snake disappearing down the hill. I shivered at the sight. My strength seemed to leave me and I slumped to the floor. I was breathing heavily; I guess it was a reaction to the events just passed.

Abba, what happened just then? I was frightened by this. Not by what eventually happened, but by my hesitancy. Why did I even have to think before rejecting this Satan, for that is who he was, wasn't he? Help me now to have purer thoughts; to drive away his image and return me to thoughts of your purpose for me. Strengthen me for the walk back to safety.

After a while I got to me feet and retraced my footprints back to the cave. My prison cell never seemed so inviting.

I felt exhausted from the effort of getting back and now I had to face the climb up to the cave. I started off very gently. As I got higher up the wall I was aware of some other presence in the cave and instantly thought that Satan had returned for another attempt to persuade me; to renege on my decision. As my head came level with the floor, I could see, not one but two men sitting on the floor. I lifted myself over the edge and bid them good morning. I thought that this was to be the end of my solitude and that I might have to find another shelter. I had no right to possession of the cave just because I had been its sole occupant for the past 30 days or so, and as I had been absent when they arrived, they were quite entitled to enter. They both got to their feet as I entered the cave.

They were both quite elderly in shabby cloaks; one looked well fed with a healthy complexion; the other thinner, with a gaunt look and sunken eyes, an older version of John. I took them to be from some religious order come to meditate. One of them, the one with the healthy complexion, spoke first.

"Good morning young fellow. I hope you don't mind us dropping in on you like this. We just had to see you. You picked a good spot here."

"Well thank you. It came highly recommended by a friend, and yes it is a good spot."

"Don't worry, we won't be staying long; it's just a passing visit. You did well just now."

"I'm sorry. Just now; you mean climbing up to the cave?"

"No, I mean the way you defied Satan."

"How can you have known that? Are you him come back for another go, because if you are you can get out of here right now. I want nothing to do with you."

"Whooa, calm down, Jesus. We're not from Satan."

"How do you know my name? I've never met you before."

"You're quite right. I suppose we should introduce ourselves to put you at ease. I can understand your anger, but calm down we're here to help you. We do seem to have crashed the party. My name is Moses, and this is my friend, Elijah and we've come to speak with you about this task you have."

"Well, how do you know that I have a task? How did you know where to find me and who told you to come; was it Gabriel?"

"Well no, not Gabriel, actually; it was your Father. He thought that we might be able to help you by answering some questions you had been asking him. You do have a lot of questions."

"Yes, I'm sorry. It's just the surprise of it all. I came here for some quiet time to pray and sort out my life, but I seem to have had one visitor after another and no quiet time at all. I'm not much further on. And this fast is making me irritable."

"We've both been there. We understand, but we ask you to persevere because you will learn so much and get so much closer to God. He will provide for you, you need not worry."

The other one spoke for the first time. He had a high pitched voice; a bit stringy but strong.

"He's right. And don't think you can escape. God sees everything; hears everything. Moses and I have both been here in this place before as well. It was a long time ago, mind. But it's brought back some memories for me. It's where I was taken from, just over there." And he pointed a long wiry finger just down from the cave to the right.

"The angel's chariot caught me up, and I was gone from this world; into the next world. It's right by here but you can't see it. We can, which is why it was so easy to get here whilst you were away on that hill back there."

"So it's true. I was told that the veil between heaven and earth was thin in these parts."

"Thinner, yes." Moses was speaking now. "But everywhere you go the veil is there. We're always watching, but not normally able to do anything. This is a special occasion on account of you having difficulties with understanding what you have to do. Your Father did send us to help you understand what happened all that time ago."

"So let me get this right. You are the Moses; the one who brought us the law from God and led the nation out of slavery. And you must be the prophet Elijah, the greatest of the prophets."

I held my breath. Surely this was not possible that I should be in the presence of such great leaders; the people who led our nation through such times of trial and difficulty, so long ago. I wasn't sure what to think about this. Was I dreaming or was it as a result of the hunger or the fatigue caused by the fasting?

Elijah broke the silence. "You don't remember us from before when you were with the Father? We remember you. You were then as you are now. Gabriel told us that you have no recall of then; something in the re-birth as a human had stolen your memory. Is it true?"

"It would appear so. I also don't remember much of my childhood; something seems to be blocking it. So why have you really made this visit here; are you checking up on me?"

Moses spoke first, "No we're not checking up on you. Your Father asked us to come to see you to let you know how important your task is. For our part we shaped the Israelites into what they are today. As you know, my role was to bring them out of Egypt where they were slaves. I too was reluctant at first, but I got to trust your Father over time. The Egyptians were ruthless masters and they treated the people very badly. They were punished for this, but even in the face of this rescue, the people grumbled and defied the Lord in so many ways. It was very difficult at times. It was difficult keeping them in line; there were so many of them and we were trying to cross a wasteland to get to this place with all they possessed. I wrote about it all, did you know?"

"Yes, I know your writing. I know you also gave us the Law. Tell me about that."

"Well, the Lord gave me instruction to go to meet him on Mount Sinai where I was given the tablets with the Commandments written on them. I was there a long time and fasted throughout. Of course you will recall that the people had defied the Lord whilst I was away so I broke the tablets and destroyed the metal god they had crafted. I set off once more and the Lord, in his forgiveness, provided more tablets containing the commandments. For this act of wilfulness we spent many more years wandering round the Sinai desert; far more than were necessary, but this was their punishment. Of course the commandments were but a start and the law developed from that, and went into many more scrolls. My punishment, alas, for not controlling the people was that I did not cross over into this land; but I saw the people delivered here, and for me that was worth it all.

Now, once more the people are rebelling against the Lord and they need to be checked and brought back to him. This is your role, I believe."

Elijah, who had remained silent throughout, now stood and started to speak. He was very sprightly and energetic for an old man, and his high pitch voice was quite piercing. "I brought the message of repentance to the people from the Lord. They too were worshipping false gods; idols. The Lord was powerful with me and I was able to perform great acts of wonder which greatly impressed the people. They call them miracles, and very few people have this gift from the Lord. You have it, but not seen it yet. It comes from the Spirit and can be most wonderful. There is nothing that cannot be done with this power. See I can raise that staff off the floor."

As I watched, the staff that had been lying on the floor was now slowly being raised up and stayed about shoulder height off the floor. I had never seen anything like this before; it was amazing.

"Take hold of it and bring it to me."

I got up to get hold of it, but it was rigid in the air; it would not budge. It was like iron fixed to a rock, but it wasn't. I walked around it and moved my hands above and below it and there was nothing there.

"There's no need to be so dumbfounded. This is just a trick. You can see with your eyes but you can't believe with your mind. Am I right? This is the power of the Lord. But you must use this power well."

"You are right. I can't believe what I am seeing. You have a great gift."

"You have it too. Try it." He went to the front of the cave and looked out. "See that rock over there; that little one. See if you can lift it up."

"I don't know how."

"Just think it will happen. Picture it in your mind. Shut your eyes if you think it will help."

I closed my eyes and did as he had suggested. I imagined that the rock was off the ground and it was like he had held the staff.

"You can open your eyes now."

As I opened my eyes I saw to my sheer amazement that the rock was not just raised off the ground but right in front of me; I could almost touch it. I reached out to it and it came nearer until it reached my outstretched hand. The sensation of the rock on my fingers broke the spell and the rock went crashing down to the ground and broke into several pieces.

"Yes you need a bit of control, but it's there alright."

"I never knew I could do that. It wasn't you doing it was it? Playing a trick on me?"

"Jesus, no. This power is in you and it comes from the Spirit."

"But surely, this power is not to perform tricks; to impress?"

"Quite right. In my life the power was only used to help others; to cure and heal. When I was hungry and hiding from Jezebel, the Lord provided food for me; I did not use it to feed myself. The same is true for you. Seeing these miracles helped convince the people that I really was a prophet sent by God, and many changed their ways. Now once more there is a need for people to turn back to God. They need a powerful prophet who can change them. John has begun this work but there is so much more to do. John's work is all but complete, and you can pick up where he has left off."

We all sat down as we continued our conversation. My mind drifted momentarily; I was amazed at how easily these two ancient sages moved. They rose and sat with an ease belying their age. I had observed this in Gabriel and of course my heavenly Father as well; it was as if there was no ageing effect in heaven. Time must stand still; quite different to what happens on earth. I must ask my Father about this. I returned...

"You seem to be telling me much the same as my Father was the other day. It has been amazing meeting you, but I feel there is another purpose for this visit that you have not spoken of."

They glanced at each other for a moment and Moses said, "Quite right; there's nothing wrong with your perception; there was something else to say. As you know, we represent the Law and the Prophets for the whole tribe throughout our great history. Sometime later, as you go about your task, we are to revisit you in the presence of reliable witnesses to show that you are greater than both of us, and this will be endorsed by your heavenly Father. We cannot say when this will be, but we will meet again. This was by way of an introduction, if one was necessary, so that you will know who we are when we meet up again. But for now, farewell."

"Before you go, can I ask you a couple of questions?"

Moses replied, "Of course, go ahead."

"The first one is for you, Elijah. Did you really get taken up to heaven on a chariot? Your body was never found or buried here?

"Indeed; it was just as the scripture says. My son, Elisha watched it all happen and that enabled him to pick up where I left off; he had my powers to heal and perform miracles; they were even greater than what God gave me and he really cared for the people. You are like him. He watched me and learned very well. Just as you watched Joseph and learned. You will do well, Jesus."

"Thank you, Elijah. Now Moses, it's your turn. I have always wondered how you felt about not going into the land that was promised to Israel. Were you very disappointed?"

"No, I was not disappointed. It was what God told me would happen. It's one thing I learned that you can depend on God; if he tells you something, you know he will do it; it may not be when you would like it done, but he will always do what he says. I made a mistake; a bad judgement and this was my punishment. But your Father is a forgiving God and he softened and let me continue at least as far as the Jordan. It was wonderful to know that what was promised had been delivered, even if I didn't get to cross over. I passed the reigns over to Joshua, who had been with me as we came out of Egypt. He was very loyal to me and I had no hesitation in choosing him as my successor.

Jesus, as you have heard from Elijah, and now from me it is very important that you have someone you can trust to hand over to. I'm sure this has been on your mind, because you cannot do any of this work on your own. It is sometimes a lonely place to be as a leader; all sorts of people are looking to you for guidance; they watch like hawks to see how you will respond to situations, looking for any sign of weakness and an opportunity to challenge you. So choose well. Look to what is in their heart and you will not go far wrong. Some may disappoint."

"But I have my Father and Spirit with me, as did you both."

"That's quite right; we did. But we needed witnesses left behind to continue the work, and they learn to do what they observe; how you respond; how you are with people. They will do likewise when they see success, and they do not repeat what fails – if they are wise, that is."

"I don't know what to say, but thank you for making this visit. It has been wonderful to meet and talk with you. What happens now?"

But it was too late for a response as they both got to their feet, waved their farewells and slowly faded from my sight. I was left alone once more. The silence returned and engulfed the cave. I was left with my thoughts and a feeling that this was yet one more dream. I'm beginning to wonder what reality is in my life now; so many bizarre things have been happening since I've been here. This really is a wondrous place to be.

Abba, thank you. I'm sure this was arranged by you, wasn't it? What an amazing experience this has been; two of the greatest men to have lived coming to speak with me. I'm not sure I'm worthy of it just yet...

... _despite all this help I don't seem to making much progress. Yes, I'm learning; learning so much, but it feels like more things are piling up; ideas to ponder; and the task remains to be resolved. How can I do this if I am being constantly interrupted by visitors, even though they are well-meaning or ancient sages who've been dead for hundreds of years? Sorry, that sounds ridiculous; ungrateful. My mind is all over the place; I can't take in all that has passed today. Firstly that devil and then a visit form the two greatest people from our history. I need a rest to calm my mind and refresh my body._

How about that rock? You never told me I could do that. That would have come in handy so many times when I was working with father. Ah yes I wouldn't be able to use it for that would I? Pity though.

Oh! I'm tired. Let me sleep and bring me to the task in the morning. Amen.

~~~

I woke during the night and feeling refreshed. Stars were out in abundance......what a starry night; I've never seen so many stars.

I got to thinking about Spirit; trying to imagine what she must look like; trying to perceive her presence; wondering how it is that she helps me and trying to be a bit more open to listening for her; she is such a mystery to me. She is indeed a force 'unseen'.

Father said she has been with us since the beginning. I remember reading those powerful words in the scriptures "In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And the earth was without form, and void; and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And the Spirit of God moved upon the face of the waters."

It seems too wonderful to believe that God could have perceived all this and created every single thing that we see and touch...

#  Chapter 13The Power

As I woke in the early hours, it was not quite light; I started to think back to the events of the previous day; all these strange things happening to me. How do I process all these thoughts and ideas?

It must be true that I really am the Son of God, although I still can't really believe it. I seem to go from certainty one moment to disbelief at the next. If I have these powers, how will I use them; if I really have them that is? It was probably Elijah doing that thing with the rock yesterday, even though I was trying and what I imagined did happen.

As I look to the side of the cave and see a few small stones lying there, so I imagine that I can lift them up. As I'm thinking this it really happens, so I try a few more things sending them spinning round each other and flying as if they were birds. I can't believe my eyes. I hold them in the air until they're perfectly still, then I mould them like clay until they become a single stone. This is fascinating. What if I grind them to dust? I can do this as well? It's amazing. So what happens if I scoop up the dust and re-make the stones?

It all happens as I'm imagining it. So how great is this? Where does this power end? I'm having trouble taking this in. How come I can do this and I never knew it before?

And then it comes to me. I remember something that happened a long time ago. I must have been about 4 or 5 and I was with a much older child. He was a real bully, always bossing the smaller kids around. I can't remember why we were together but he'd cornered me between two cottages with a wall at the end and he started on me, calling me names, saying things about my mother and then he hit me on the face with a hard slap; it stung. I remember crying and then he came at me again calling me names; said I was a weakling; that I wasn't my father's son; really unkind things. I was sobbing and holding my head in my hands. It made me feel angry. How could he say these hurtful things that were so untrue? I must have got into a rage and I imagined that I could hit him in the face, even though I didn't have the courage to do it. All of a sudden he fell to the floor and his nose was pouring with blood. I looked around thinking that someone else had hit him; someone had come to my rescue, but there was no one around. I thought he was dead as he was lying perfectly still. All of a sudden he woke and sat up and realised his nose was bleeding. He started to cry and ran off home squealing like a wounded animal. I looked at my hands but there was no sign of any injury which I've seen on people who have had a fist fight. I went home and said nothing to my parents as I didn't want to get into trouble. No one asked any questions of me so I must have just forgotten about it; until now.

So was that the gift I used without knowing I had it? I can imagine how such a gift could be used, and abused in the wrong hands. Is this what Gabriel was speaking about?

What else can I do with this gift? Gabriel and my Father got into this cave without having to climb up. I wonder if I can do the same. Let's try. I close my eyes and imagine I'm at the spring and standing beside it. As I open my eyes, I'm there, and it's bubbling at my feet! How can this be possible; but here I am. I stoop down for a drink and my mind is filled with all sorts of images of what this newly gained power could do.

I could be in many different places in no time at all without having to walk of use a donkey. I could walk into any house or tavern without going through a door; even a locked one. I could climb the highest mountain in a stroke without any effort. I could be rich and give my mother all the clothes and jewels she wanted and buy sandals for all my brothers and sisters. I could by new tools for my brothers; replace that old plane father left us; oh how he struggled with it.

Wait! Even better than this; it could be my escape from crucifixion. I could go through with it all for effect but feel no pain. I could fake my death and be glorious in my resurrection. Father said this was destined for me, but I didn't count on this power. I don't need to worry anymore; all will be fine, now I have this power. I could achieve so much more. Iron bars will not hold me, nor manacles or even the largest of chains. I would be untouchable... My mind wanders holding this thought. I was so fearful of this task, but now it seems manageable once more; now I could even relish it.

Suddenly I see the snake again in my mind and I stop imagining. "Oh no! What was it Gabriel said; that I cannot use this for myself; it is a gift to help others." I feel the shame come over me for thinking this, and the fear of what lies ahead re-emerges with the spectre that had been there before.

Heavenly Father, forgive me for getting out of control here. I thank you for this gift, but help me to find a proper use for it; there are many who need help. Show me where and when to use it for the purpose you intended.

Maybe I need to see what else I could do.

One thing the people always need is rain for their crops. That would be useful if I could control the weather; if I could conjure up a storm; make it rain. Or calm a storm if it was threatening a standing crop.

So I imagine a dry place needing water and call in clouds. Before I know it the sky has darkened, there is a wind stirring up the sand, and I can smell rain on the wind. First a few drops fall, spotting the ground. Then it gets heavier and before I know it the heavens are emptying and the ground is soggy. I'm getting wet and need to be back in my shelter. Next thing I'm in the cave, my clothes, my hair are dripping water everywhere, on the floor, down my back; so much water.

Lightning streaks across the sky and thunder roars about me and echoes into the cave. The noise is deafening; piercing. This is indeed a fearful storm; one not to be caught out in. I remember all those shepherds and traders who might be suffering in this because of me; just playing with this power. And so I call the storm to abate; is this possible to call for it to be calm?

To my amazement it stops just as quickly as it began. The sky brightens and before long the sun breaks through. The warmth of it starts to dry everything and steam rises as the water evaporates. This is an awesome sight with a cloud of mist covering the ground; it gives the appearance of being above the cloud with no land visible.

I see Gabriel walking along, as if walking on these clouds and the next thing, he is with me in the cave.

"Having fun, Jesus?"

"Well I've just discovered this gift and I was seeing what it could do."

"Are you satisfied now?"

"Should I stop? Is this what you've come to tell me?"

"Do you need me to tell you this? Do you not remember what I told you before; that God can do anything? You have the same power so you don't need to test him. There are better things to do with your time."

"Like?"

"Well if you prayed more you might find more help from your Father. You might gain more insight into your role. You might use your power for this. Just remember what I said about responsibility."

"Yes I understand this, especially now that I have had a taste of what can be done. Thank you."

As I looked out of the cave, I noticed that all the mist had gone and the sky was cloudless, once more.

"How amazing is this power, Gabriel." But there was no answer; he had gone.

Abba, how could I doubt you? I did not understand about the power, but I do now. Help me to use it to have the knowledge I seem to have forgotten. If you created this world and all that's in it let me see how and why. Let me know what you know, so that I can fulfil my task.

After all the excitement I decided to sit down at the entrance to the cave with my legs dangling over the edge as I had before and looked out over this desolate and beautiful scene. It was still early in the day and the cave was in shadow. My mind was clearing and I was able to focus on my task.

Something stirred me and I looked to my right; I saw Spirit sitting by my side, not just as a shadow, but as clear as if it were Gabriel, or my Father. I looked at her more intensely and I noticed her face was just like my Father's, but with long hair. It was uncanny, but I suppose if we are the same, why did I expect her to be any different? She smiled but did not speak; held out her hand to me and I took it and we sat there for some time just looking at each other. I felt that same warm glow come over me; my eyes streamed with tears once more; my hunger pains abated; I was at peace. It was most comforting and I began to feel dreamy and sleepy.

As I concentrated on this feeling, my mind was cast back in time. I closed my eyes to help me use the newly discovered power to take me back. I started to have a vision of a man and a woman, walking naked round in a garden, surrounded by beautiful flowers and trees in abundant growth. The colours were absolutely stunning, and the scent from them wafted into my nostrils; so sweet and satisfying. There were birds and bees and all sorts of flying insects, including butterflies that littered the scene. It was serene. The man spoke to me and said, "So we can have anything in this garden; we can eat any fruit off any of the trees?"

Then I heard words coming from me saying "You can, with one exception. You know the tree in the centre of the garden? That is the tree of knowledge of good and evil, and you must not eat from this tree."

A time had passed and I was in the garden looking everywhere but I could not find the man or the woman. Suddenly a voice appeared from within the foliage. It was the man who told me that the woman had been tricked into eating the fruit of the tree that was banned and that now they realised that they were naked and were hiding from me.

My gut tightened and I felt enraged; the colours in the garden faded and turned to grey and the sky went dark; my pleasant dream was changing into a nightmare. I saw the snake and I cast it out of the garden. Then I saw the man and the woman also leaving this once beautiful place. They had covered their bodies in leaves from the plants, and as they went through the gate, it closed behind them. I felt a deep hurt from within; betrayed; very sad. I seemed to miss the man and the woman and I somehow wanted them back.

A veil seemed to pass over my dream and I was in a mist of darkness with spots of faint light. I felt I was floating in air; a really strange sensation. Huge globes passed before me, swirling and twisting. There was one which spun round and around it spun smaller globes of different colours and there appeared a bright light, shining through the darkness and everything was lit up. Where I had seen only a few of these globes before, I now saw thousands of other globes in all sorts of sizes and colours, all moving very slowly but rhythmically. I didn't understand what it all meant, but it was a magnificent sight and unlike anything I had known. I looked at this scene in a mesmerised state. Everywhere I looked I saw something different. The colours twinkled and glowed. If I looked really closely at one of the spheres I noticed that it was not a sphere but a cluster of individual lights and as I went in even closer the spaces between the individual lights got larger and each one of the lights I looked at became a cluster of lights, each one individual and different to the other ones. I had never seen anything as amazing as this. I'm sure I felt my heart miss a beat and I stopped breathing.

A voice came nearby saying "Do you not remember this, my Son?" As I turned, I saw my Father, with Spirit by his side.

"Abba! This is truly amazing. Was I there too?"

"You were. We were all there, and you haven't seen the half of it yet. Stay and see more, then maybe it will come back to you."

As I watched this myriad of spheres within myriads of other spheres he said, "Look at that one. See how it will change."

He pointed at one which didn't seem particularly interesting but as I watched it seemed to draw me in. It was blue but the closer I looked, the more broken up it appeared.

"Go closer still," he urged. So I did. Maybe I went a bit too close for the next thing I am standing on solid ground. I'm back at the place where John was baptising, at Bethany beyond the Jordan. As I look towards the rising sun I see a great hoard of people, a swathe of humanity walking in a mass, stirring up clouds of dust as they march towards me. I can see people on camels and horses; carts drawn by oxen loaded up with all their worldly goods, followed by men, carrying what they can; women, some with babes in arms; and children and at the rear are all their cattle, sheep, goats, driven along by stick-wielding boys and old men.

As they get closer I see an old man at the front carrying a great staff. He has difficulty walking, but is determined to continue. Before he gets to the river, where he has a vantage point, just before it drops to a crossing point, he calls a halt to the procession and gathers what must be the leaders together and speaks to them. After a little while he lies down and the women gather around and cover him up. Days come and go but as I watch it passes in an instant. A new leader now beckons them on and twelve of their priests go down to the river carrying the great ark. As they begin to cross over they stop in the middle of the river and the waters are held back, and the ground which was the river bed dries up and the hordes of people begin to cross over, with the animals following on from the rear some time later. They did not see me; I must be hidden from their sight.

"Did you recognise their leader?" he asked.

"Yes, it was Moses, I think. And Joshua taking over the role? It was just as the story told in the scrolls." I replied. "What happened to the Ark? It seems to have disappeared?"

"It was stolen, but it is irrelevant now. We've moved on, as far as the law is concerned. What I wanted you to see was this scene. To you, as a human, this is a history; something that happened many, many years ago. But for us, you as my Son, this is happening yesterday, today and tomorrow. We see it as it was and is and is to be. You were there as you are here now. We cannot change things; we cannot interfere. I gave them free-will; to do as they will; to determine how they live. All I have ever done is to send people to show them that they are going wrong. I do not correct them; they must do this for themselves. They must recognise the consequences of their mistakes; of their bad choices.

That will be your role, my Son. You can show them how they could be IF they follow your lead. But they must choose to do it. There will be no force used, only persuasion.

What do you see over here?"

He pointed to a bejewelled city, which I seemed to recognise. Could it be..? Yes it is Jerusalem, but it is much smaller and there in the centre is the mighty and splendid temple. It is in pristine condition; it shone in brightness; it must have just been completed and there were parts that I did not recognise.

Coming out from it was a man dressed in majestic clothes and surrounded by all sorts of attendants and a great throng of priests and other followers also magnificently dressed. There was so much opulence; the bright array of colours; so much silver and gold in adornment; and yes precious stone-encrusted jewellery. This must be a King; Solomon, for it was he who built this mighty temple. How drab it looks today by comparison and so much of it had been destroyed by those armies that came with destruction on their minds when they took the people away into slavery.

"Magnificent isn't it?" he said, and I thought I saw a tear forming in his eye.

"Solomon did this for me, and he was a good man. When I asked him what he wanted as a special gift, he surprised me. Most only wanted to live long and have great wealth. They were the ones who showed great promise but earthly treasures turned their hearts away from me. It was not so with Solomon; he asked only for wisdom; for the ability to discern so that he could be a good leader of his people, as was his father. He, like his predecessors, was a faithful servant at first, and I imagined he would be better than them, but alas his weakness was women. He had many foreign wives, against his father's wishes; they turned his attention away from me. He did live long and had great wealth, and many foreign heads of state came to admire what he had. This turned to jealousy and envy and made him a target for their acquisition.

I decided that it was probably wrong to have a city become such a priceless jewel. It is impractical to have a single place where all the people have to come to worship us. Their numbers grow at an amazing rate and they are spreading much further away from Jerusalem. Our focus should not be a physical place but one set in every person's heart.

Jeremiah sowed these seeds for us when the city was besieged before the people were taken into exile to Babylon and the city destroyed. It was rebuilt when they returned, but not as lovely as this.

Jesus, this temple was wonderful when it was built, as you can see, and it has served its purpose. We have moved on in our way of thinking. The people who now run the place have become obsessed with it to the extent that it has become more important than what it symbolises. It has lost its purpose; to be a focus of worship; a place where we can meet the people; where we can commune with them. But these leaders are making that impossible now; so many obstacles are being put in the way and it needs to stop and change. Not everyone will agree, which is why this is such a difficult task for you."

"So how will we change the way they worship you if there is no temple?"

"We make you the new jewel. You will be the focus of their attention, after you leave them. So mysterious will be the way in which you leave that, if they truly believe, you will be wherever they are. Wherever two or three gather together in your name, you will be there with them. And you will because we have the ability to do this. They will be able to speak with us, through Spirit. We are only just through the veil, which you have now seen in your human form. Others will see it too; those with special gifts. Most will not, but this will be a test of their faith; those who cannot see yet still believe in me. This way the temple becomes obsolete and a new way of 'being' will start. This 'new way' this 'new kingdom' will be created. It can be wherever the people are together. They will be able to bring their worship wherever they are; not have to travel many miles over many days with all their families with great disruption and at great risk."

"How do you think the temple authorities, the priests, Scribes and Pharisees will react to this?"

"They won't like it and they will, of course, react. I fear this has become their way of life now; not something they were called to through a privilege, an accident of their birth. Some will still have their fair sense of who they are and what their duties are. They will hear your message and will understand, but many will not. They are too entrenched and too well off to want to change now."

"How far will they go do you think?"

"Oh, they will stop at nothing, I'm afraid. There have been others before who have challenged them; those who have falsely claimed to be Messiah. They were quickly dealt with, even though they had no authority and were only after their own fame and fortune. The slightest hint of a challenge and they will send their spies out to watch what you are doing. They were there when you were with John. Watching to see what he did and said; watching to see who does what in response. They were watching you, especially as you were with John a long time. That's why I spoke only to you while you were under the water. The time is not right to be public with this just yet. I will tell you when. You need time to establish before they start to watch and report back. But you do not have much time.

"How much time do I have?"

I cannot say. You have to trust me.

And now you have met Spirit? It's so difficult to understand something that is unseen, and to most she remains unseen, but she works powerfully in and through people. Anyone who believes in me has Spirit inside their hearts and she can see into their very souls. This is how we will work in bringing the people back. It's all motivated by love; that greatest of emotions.

The people do find it difficult believing in a God who they cannot see, which is why they are so keen to have an idol, some physical object that they can worship. It's quite amazing how an inanimate object can have such a profound motivating force on people, but it does. But now they will have a God to see when you announce that you are my Son. If they see you, and believe in you, they will have seen me because we are the same. They will only have a short time in which they will see you; you won't be with them long; but it will be sufficient for them to understand how much I love them. And when you leave, Spirit will remain, to guide, comfort and instruct them; she will empower them to do mighty acts to show that I am with them; I will be with them forever.

You are to be the one and only manifestation that I exist. Spirit and I will remain unseen, but you are to be the arbiter for those who will be saved. If any believe in you, they can come to me and all that I can give them will be theirs.

It was wonderful being together in this place. It was tranquil and warm. I didn't want to leave, but I knew it would not last much longer. My task was calling; there was so much I needed to prepare...

#  Chapter 14The task

The discovery of my new powers the other day has distracted from the task before me. All the concentration and trying to see how I can use it has been quite an effort and has drained most of my energy; my hunger pains and stomach cramps have returned with a vengeance. The weather turned cooler as well so I have been spending much of my time in the cave trying to keep warm, even during the daytime.

I suppose I should be thinking about my task and how I intend to set about it. It all seems a bit of a struggle at the moment; I really have no enthusiasm for it. I even find it hard to pray and that is depressing, since this is the very time I really need help.

How should I go about this mission? John had some helpers; disciples he called them. Perhaps I should do this. I could teach them as I travel around; teach them about the kingdom and they can carry on the work after I've gone.

But who should I chose?

I could use my 'powers' to find men with good hearts; they would not have to be perfect. This will be part of the example that my Father doesn't want or need 'perfection' in people, just a willingness to learn and to love one another. Yes, there have been many examples of this, even amongst the Patriarchs; Moses, killed an Egyptian soldier who killed one of our people; Jacob stole from his uncle, but he was tricked.

Should I only choose men? Why not women? Women have such compassion and understanding. But they will not be recognised by men; they are so badly treated by men. This is something that has to change in the new kingdom. I must do something to highlight this; this is an area to start on to show that women are as important as men; maybe I will choose a woman. It's incredible to believe that a person's entitlement to be a Jew comes from their mothers yet they are given no real status in life.

As I reflect on this I think about the women in my life; those that have had influence on me. I remember our neighbour, Elizabeth and her experience with the soldier; the incident that started this trip for me. When it comes to matters of rape or adultery, it is always very difficult for women to be heard and have their say; they always get the blame and the punishment; it's so unjust.

This has to change. I want to encourage women to be my followers; there must be a way to do this.

All these things I want to change will single me out as a bit of a revolutionary. I'll have to be careful about that as I don't want to arouse suspicions too early on.

Where do I start? Well I always find a prayer helps. I do remember the time once when I was with my father and we had something tricky to make. Benjamin at the inn wanted to add some bedrooms and we had to put an extra floor on top and just could not find how we were going to put the extra stair in; there was no room for it. We looked at it by climbing on the roof and we drew it on the sand and puzzled over it for hours but could not find a solution; and then we decided to pray about it. The answer came and it was simple; to put the stair on the inside; most unconventional, but why could we not do it in our own strength?

Lord, you know the answer to this; I don't know why I'm asking it really; because we can't do anything in our own strength, simple as that. So I really need you to guide me now. To show me how I must prepare for this task.

When we spoke the other day you didn't say how long I'd have before the 'sacrifice'; this is sort of on my mind and I can't focus on what I have to do before. Help me to put this aside for now and give me courage to face that time when it comes.

David, my ancestor, had great courage; as a child he faced Goliath with just a sling and a few stones, but you were with him and he prevailed. The scriptures are full of your faithfulness, so I have no doubt that you will be with me.

What will I say? I suppose the message should be as simple as possible so that it's understood. And the stories need to have some mystery so that the people will listen right up to the end and hear the truth revealed; so that they will remember the story and tell their children and grandchildren. I want these stories to last into the generations and be just as worthy in times to come; stories that can be told and re-told, yet still have their meaning; still contain their lesson; stories that will be understood in different lands in different languages.

I remember a travelling Rabbi came to our town one day. He was most mysterious and had travelled to far-off lands where there was great mysticism. He had a way of telling stories, especially to the children.

Abba, I trust you in all things, so I pray that you will give me the stories I need. Come to me Spirit and inspire my thinking...

As prayer is so important, let me find a prayer with a structure that I can teach those that I meet; something that they can use whenever they find it hard to pray...something like...

" _Our Father, who is in heaven; you are the Holy One and we revere your Name;_

We pray that your new kingdom will come; that what you want will be done on earth just as it is in heaven.

Give us today what we need to eat as you did when we were escaping from captivity.

Forgive our wrong-doing, and help us to forgive those who do wrong to us.

Lead us away from temptation of any kind; save us from the power of the evil one.

For yours is the new kingdom; yours the power and the glory,

Now and forevermore. Amen"

That feels like a good start and covers most things, but I'll keep working on it.

My Father wants this New Kingdom for all people, not just the Jews. This seems right since originally all people were equal and it was only after God confused their language at Babel that the people were scattered. This will be the start of a reunion of all peoples in the world.

Lord, is this your plan? That you want the people to be 'one people' again, but this time faithful to you? Are you giving humanity another chance?

This will be a difficult task. The Jews will resist this. They have been so used to being the 'chosen' race; they feel that they have exclusive rights to God that no other nation has. This will not go well with the leaders, particularly in Jerusalem, who will resist this most strongly. I have heard that there are already many of our race scattered around the world in places of power and influence.

What if they don't want to hear what I have to tell them? Some people are like that aren't they? No matter what is said they just don't listen. This is a natural defence against having to do something you don't want to or will be difficult to change. They have ears but they do not hear. They have eyes but they do not perceive what is happening. But surely some will hear and understand; maybe not everyone. I will need to develop a strategy for dealing with the stubborn ones; but this is not a message to force people to do things; it will be their choice, their free choice. My task is to set before them that choice; to do one thing and please God or do another and turn away from God. But I must give the warning of what will happen if they make the wrong choice.

Abba, I am beginning to understand now why you said that this is a difficult task. There will need to be great care taken; in choosing words in certain company. But how will I continue to tell the truth and bite my tongue at the same time? Help me to work this out...

Are you still sure I can do this? I must have faith in you, Lord... You must have believed in me to give me this task...so fill me with what I need. Restore my belief. Build my confidence for the task and take away my unbelief...

You say this message is for all people; Jews and Gentiles. This is folly, surely? How can this be achieved, since the Gentiles are hated by most Jews? They are not allowed into the temple or the synagogues so they can only be spoken to in public places, where the Jews will see what is happening.

In the region where I live I have met many Gentiles whilst working with my father. Most seemed fair and gentle, and there are many who are open-minded, even searching for God, but being excluded because of who they are. Yes, I have seen many examples of who are open to the ways of the kingdom. Indeed I think many would make good citizens. Jews and Gentiles live together in peace in many places; they just don't have much to do with each other. Were they not Gentiles from the east that came to welcome me at my birth? Were they not welcomed by my parents?

This will be resisted by the devout and the stubborn. The scripture speaks of not mixing races in marriage, and this is bound to happen; indeed already has happened in some places. I have seen this. These families, although perfectly happy and contented, are scorned and excluded by the church and then by society, for fear of being also excluded themselves if they don't respond in this way. Love for neighbour is being compromised by society's so-called 'moral code'. This is totally wrong, I see now. Love for one's neighbour should never be compromised. That is how society grows in strength; by mutual love; by working together through difficult times and enjoying the good times together.

This is right, Lord isn't it? Is this really what you want to see; people living in harmony together, bound together in love, not hatred; not kept apart by fear from the church authorities; the Scribes and Pharisees? I can see that this will be a hard lesson for people to hear. Many will reject it and walk away. They are hard-nosed. It will be almost impossible for those church leaders who have exerted such power over the people for so long; the power that has never been challenged. It will also be difficult for the people to realise that they will be free to live their lives according to your love and not being constrained by unjust rules. This is not an easy task, is it, Lord? Are you sure I am the right one to do it? What do I really know of people; how they suffer? I have seen so few of them. At least what I remember...

But wait! You know so much more than I do. You will have seen these things. You will have heard the people crying out for justice for so long; to right wrongs done; for punishment for the wicked. You will know what it is I have to do now. Lord, give me a sign that this is right...

My memory is returning to yet another day with my father; I was about 11 or 12. It was a hot and dry day and we were on the road to Jericho...

It's coming back to me. Was it not a Samaritan who came to the aid of that man who was beaten and robbed at the side of the road? Yes, I do remember it now; it was a day when we were travelling on the road to Jericho, we came across someone slouched across another who had recently been attacked by thieves and left for dead. It was a Samaritan who had found the man lying and bleeding from his injuries. He had taken pity on him and stopped to help. He told us that he saw two others (Jews) ahead of him who both failed to stop to help, even passing over on the other side of the road to avoid having to stop. He gave the man a drink of water from his flask and then carried him and put him on his donkey and took him to an inn where he paid for the man to be taken care of until he returned. My father was really impressed with this Samaritan; he couldn't stop talking about it as we continued our journey. Maybe this story is one I can tell to show people that even Samaritans are compassionate and have love for their neighbours, even if they are Jews; maybe it has a wider application, to show who our neighbour really is, and not just the person who lives next door to us.

There are many other things that are wrong with this society; that this new kingdom will seek to change. Some of the things I've seen and heard people doing, especially to women and children are despicable acts; also to the aliens among us and any who are crippled and maimed. The authorities, those who should be there to help, seem to do nothing to penalise or discourage the behaviour of the abuser. It is time for a change; things will be different in the new kingdom, I will see to that. Some of the people in authority are so haughty and think themselves better than others. There is such hypocrisy of people in power, the religious leaders in particular; who say one thing but do another; who criticise the behaviour of one but do worse things themselves. There is so much injustice and harshness for the people to endure. Maybe I can change this... I will change this!

With your help, Lord. Show me these things and give me power to demonstrate where the people are going wrong. Help me be like John and call them to repentance; to wash them clean of their wrongdoing and to inspire them with your love.

They are expecting a Messiah; what is it that Isaiah says? "The people who walked in darkness have seen a great light; a light that will shine on all who live in the land where death casts its shadow... Israel will again be great, and its people will rejoice as people rejoice at harvest time. They will shout with joy...for God will break the chains that bind them...for a child is born to us, a son given to us. And the government will rest upon his shoulders. He will be called Wonderful Councillor, Almighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace. His ever expanding, peaceful government will never end...he will rule forever with fairness and justice from the throne of his ancestor David." And all this in Galilee of the Gentiles.

Is this me? Is this me of whom Isaiah spoke? If it is the so be it. I will be what they are expecting. If that's where they are expecting me to be than that is where I will go. When they ask who I am I will not say outright that I am the Messiah, or the 'Son of God', but I will call myself another name. Something mysterious; but what?

I know, how about 'The Son of Man' – yes that has a ring to it. The name is used in the scriptures and has been used to give an air of mystery. I need people to wonder about me; to be intrigued a little, so that they come to hear what I have to say. 'The Son of Man', yes I like that.

As well as the church authority, there are the Romans; those hated soldiers, who occupy our lands, taking what is not theirs. There is much collusion between these two powers. The soldiers strike with impunity on people when there is any sign of trouble. Their power comes from Rome, from where they rule the world and their head is Caesar who already thinks he is 'king of the Jews'. I've heard the soldiers talking about him. His authority is self-imposed; it is not from God, but he tolerates worship in the temple even though he is a pagan. All this could change at any time; there is no certainty it will continue, and we can always hope. But for now their power is mighty and unchallenged. Soldiers are only people in uniforms; they have families they love and who love them; they have to work to feed their families and ultimately they have to answer to God.

I sit for a long time without thoughts; waiting for some inspiration from my Father or Spirit...

Another thought drifts into my mind of a time when a travelling Rabbi passed through our town; I was probably about nine or ten. One day he was sitting in the market place and a group of us had gathered round him and he told us a story about a wealthy farmer who had two sons. I remember being enthralled with this story; indeed we were all spellbound as he told it.

It started off when the younger of the two told his father that he wanted his share of his inheritance now and that he intended to travel and seek his fortune; he said that there was no future for him on the farm as he was the youngest son. His father reluctantly agreed and split the estate in two and gave the son his half. A few days later the son bade his father farewell and set off and had a rare old time in entertainment; drinking strong wines and enjoying the pleasure of many women. There were many who enjoyed sharing this generosity and so, before too long, the money was spent. Also during this time a famine spread through the land and there was poverty all around.

He didn't know what to do. His newly acquired friends quickly lost interest and were of no help, and he could not pay for the inn where he had been staying, so he managed to find a job on a nearby farm looking after pigs. As a Jew this was adding insult to injury, since Jews could not eat pig meat (it being a forbidden food) so they had nothing to do with pigs. I remember the horror that went round our small group as he told this part of the story; this could not be any worse.

His master was unkind to him and gave him no wages so all he had to eat was the food he gave to the pigs. One day it all got too much for him; he realised that he could not go on like this, so he resolved to return home to his father, accept the total shame of what he had done and become a labourer on the farm; at least he would be able to eat well there. So he set off. I remember the Rabbi really going into some detail about all the things that were going round the mind of the son returning home; rehearsing what might happen to him; how would he deal with his father's wrath; how would he face up to his brother and the friends he left behind? Would his father have him back after what he had done? By the time he was nearly there his mind was in total turmoil, to the extent that he almost turned around so as not to face whatever lay ahead. But he continued, so desperate had he become.

When he was within sight of the farm he noticed that someone was approaching him, and they were running. He could hardly believe what he saw. It was his father who was running towards him with outstretched arms and with tears streaming down his face. Moments later they were entwined in each other's arms and both sobbing great sobs and awash in tears of joy. This was not what he imagined would happen, but he was overjoyed at this reunion. When they had both calmed down and started to walk back towards the house, the son told his father what had happened and said he was really sorry for what he had done and that he would come as a labourer on the farm if his father would have him back.

There was no lecture from his father, as he expected, but instead his father said he was welcome; he was overjoyed to have his son back and safe. He gave him a new set of clothes and put a ring on his finger, effectively reinstating him to his position as second son, and as a sign of his gratitude that he had returned he ordered the servants to prepare a great celebration feast. This was not what the son had expected.

However, his brother, who was out working in one of the fields did not know anything of this until he returned late in the day and arrived home to all the merry-making of the feast and asked one of the servants what was going on. The servant told him that the other son had returned home and the master had welcomed him back and wanted to have a feast to celebrate. The oldest son was furious and went to see his father and have it out with him.

He challenged him saying "This son of yours has taken half of the estate and squandered it on a selfish whim, and yet when he returns you welcome him back and throw this extravagance over him. It's not fair. I have been here all the time working hard to build up the estate and have no reward for it."

His father did not like what he heard and saw the anger and disappointment in the older son's face but responded "You have been with me all this time and it has been wonderful, even though I didn't acknowledge it. Everything I have is yours. I love you because you are my son; but my other son, who I love equally well was lost to me, and now he's back and I just have to thank the Lord and celebrate his safe return."

I remember when I heard that story I just loved it and I re-told it to my mother and father one evening. I remember how they both cried when I'd finished it. It's a lovely story which, I now realise, could be applied to God, my heavenly Father; this is just how he would respond to anyone who went away from him and comes back; how he will celebrate the return of even one lost soul.

There are many families who will relate to this story. I will use this as one of my illustrations as it contains many strands that the people will attach themselves to.

Abba, thank you for bringing this memory back to me. It is a wonderful story that will appeal to many people, but there must be more that I can use. Story-telling is a really good way of getting a message over to people; they will listen to a story if it is well told and then take the message from it and understand. Maybe this will be a way to say things that may be overheard by someone looking to stir up trouble. To them it's a harmless story-teller speaking nonsense; but to those who want to hear, it's a message of hope...

Lord, help me in this. I don't want to be seen as hiding from confrontation or concealing the truth from them because of fear; I know you will be with me and I will have nothing to fear, but in a way this seems like it's a 'running away' from the real issue; I should not be afraid of speaking truth at all times, should I?

I sit for a long time holding this thought...then I hear something that has never happened before...

"My Son, this is not a way of concealing the truth; it is a way of leaving the truth to be discovered, and it will be far better for someone to discover the truth for themselves than have it displayed in front of them. This is the difference between those who are 'seeking' and those who are blind to these issues. This story-telling idea is a really good way of telling the truth about things. There will be a time for laying out the truth without tales but that is not yet."

Abba, thank you for this reassurance.

After a long time of sitting and being quiet, my thoughts move to ideas about stories I could tell with messages that the people will understand. Most of the people I will meet will be farmers or fishermen, so the stories need to be about the things they will understand; things to do with their trade. Sowing seed and reaping a harvest; caring for sheep and goats; fishing in small boats in difficult waters.

I have spent many an hour watching people at work, going about their business; washing clothes in the river, trading their goods; disputing and arguing about property and other such things. I've seen them in the synagogue and in the temple buying their sacrifices; in the market bartering for food and goods. I've watched them on their farms struggling against the elements, vying with the birds and other vermin for the spoils of the harvest. I've seen them in sad and happy times. I've witnessed starving women and children; widows and orphans seeking to live a life without a man to do the heavy work and provide the food they need. Some have survived; many don't. I've been a part of their mourning and celebrating; burying their dead children; too many. God's people used to help these needy souls; people like my parents, but where are they now? Where have they gone? There is no charity; no love; no care!

There are many opportunities to find stories here, and I can re-use them as I go from place to place. Who knows some of the people may have stories they can tell me. This idea fills me with new hope and excitement for the first time. At last I have something in this task to look forward to; meeting the people; hearing their stories and seeing where I can help them by exposing the poor treatment; the abuse of power; starting to right wrongs done. There are so many ideas now floating about; my mind's in a whirl.

Abba, I thank you, now fill my head with those stories; I need them in abundance. Amen.

I should be able to rest in more peace tonight.

#  Chapter 15Strange stirrings

Something woke me suddenly. It was early, a sort of half-light. As I turned over to look to the front of the cave I saw it; a beautiful raven with shiny black feathers. He was hopping and strutting around at the cave entrance, probably looking for some scraps of carrion.

"You won't find anything in here my friend." As I looked away and tried to resume my sleep I heard a kind of rustling behind me. I thought that it was odd; what could have made that noise? I turned once more, and there she stood. I was quite shocked and I sat up with a start.

"Where did you come from?" She remained silent. She was the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. She was dressed completely in black with uncovered long shiny black hair. Her eyes were a beautiful jet black with large curling lashes and she had an inviting smile displaying beautiful white teeth. As she walked towards me she let her cloak drop to the ground displaying her completely naked body.

She was absolutely stunning. Her skin was glistening and her breasts were rounded and full. I had never seen a woman like this before, not even my lovely Hanna. I felt my manhood rise instantly. This had not happened since my youth when I woke from a dream and I had spilled seed all over myself.

She came closer and I was now in a fright as to what to do. Part of me just wanted to see where this desire would take me; it felt natural and right; but another part of me knew it was wrong and for many reasons. I did not know this woman or where she was from; if she was promised to another man. We were not married and so any union would be wrong; so many rules would be broken, indeed had already been broken; I was already guilty for even my thoughts. She was still smiling at me and she radiated 'wanting'. What would one more sin matter? I felt my seed rising and my heart was beating ever faster; I so wanted this to happen.

Then I thought of Hanna; lovely Hanna who would never have teased me like this. This was not right.

"No!" I shouted. "Get away. Who are you? What do you want with me?"

She spoke in a beautifully soft voice "I thought that was obvious. I need you. You look as though you need me too. You could have me here with you for eternity; nobody need ever know. If you were the Son of God you could have any woman you desired, any time you like."

I thought about this and she was right; I could. But that was not what I was here for. These carnal thoughts were another test and I suddenly saw this for what it was; a trick. I became angry and started to shout.

"Stop" I shouted. I remembered the passage in Deuteronomy; "You're trying to test God again. Don't do it. God knows what is happening. This all started when we were slaves in Egypt and He brought us out and put the captives to rout. I trust God to take care of my needs. You are the evil one come to test me again; I'll have none of it; get away from me."

As I began to get off the floor she turned around and started to walk away. The walk changed into a hop on both feet and as she got to the entrance she turned into the beautiful raven once more and flew away and out of sight...

I was so angry; angry with myself; that I let this happen and develop so far before I put a stop to it. How could I be so easily taken in; so easily shaken from my task? I had failed; I was guilty of the sin of lust; I felt betrayed by my own selfishness.

Oh, Heavenly Father, forgive me. Forgive my weakness; that I so easily fall prey to my inner desires instead of holding true to your calling for me. Will I ever be good enough for this task you have chosen for me? Will I ever be worthy enough? My human nature is still stronger than my divine nature. It is right that you still test me; but am I the one for this; it seems too hard for me.

I stand in silence for a long time ... listening...

The words of David's Psalm comes to me:

"Have mercy on me, O God, according to your steadfast love: according to your abundant mercy blot out my transgressions. Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity and cleanse me from my sin...For I know my transgressions, and my sin is ever before me. Against you, you alone, have I sinned and done what is evil in your sight, so that you are justified in your sentence and blameless when you pass judgement. Indeed I was born guilty, a sinner when my mother conceived me...Create in me a clean heart, O God, and put a right spirit within me. Do not cast me from your presence, and do not take your Holy Spirit from me...

A voice comes in a quiet whisper... as before...

"Bless you my Son. If you had not responded as you did, you would not have been human. You knew that there were choices, and you did not take the easy one; you chose the right one. This pleases me and this is one of the lessons that the people need to understand if they are to enter the new kingdom. Freedom of choice is my gift to people; I cannot dictate what they will do. They each decide what is best; whether to please themselves or to please me. Each choice has a consequence which will affect someone they love, either in a good way or a bad way and they need to work that out before they choose whether they can live with this or not. Of course, my way is best because the consequences have all been worked out for the least impact.

You do well to remember your ancestor, David. He wrote that Psalm after his transgression with Bathsheba. But there is a difference between you and David. You were not born in sin, but purity; you were born out of my love for humanity; you are blameless, as is your mother.

What happened to you just now was just a test. For you, all that got hurt was your pride. You thought that such carnal thoughts were beyond you, but your human nature thought differently. Don't worry about it. You're forgiven. You came to me straight away and I could tell you were hurt and you realised that it was a mistake. It's a lesson learned and, I'm sure it will not be repeated. This is how we grow in love. This is what you need to tell the people. There will be greater pleasures awaiting any who choose my ways and all will be welcome. They just have to be faithful. Now you need to get on with your preparation. Enjoy your day."

Abba, thank you for your understanding. You're right, I do have much to do today, but first I need to bathe and clean myself up. Be with me this day in all I do. Amen

As I climbed down from the cave I found a single shiny black feather on the ground at the bottom. I picked it up and looked at it, jet black and glossy; it was beautiful and perfect. I could see the individual parts that interlock, so fine and delicate. To think of this intricacy and delicacy; so light and fine to keep a bird dry yet so strong, enough to keep an animal in flight. Amazing and wonderful.

Abba, what a wonderful creation you have made, thank you.

This will be a reminder of my 'fallen angel'. I put it into my pocket along with my nail. Now I have two reminders of my stay here.

#  Chapter 16The tempter revisits

It seems that sleep and prayer are my only refuge from this interminable struggle against hunger. Today has been one of those days when everything has been so tiring. I felt worn out even as I awoke this morning; so much so that I didn't go far from the cave. I feel so weak; everything is an effort. The hunger pains have returned with renewed strength and stay with me longer each day now. I so desperately want them to go away. I do sometimes just ask why I am putting myself through this fast. I can't even remember who it was who said "Yes, fasting is what you need to do to get your head sorted out; it will bring you nearer to God." It was probably Thomas, bless him; always trying to be helpful and his advice is usually good. See how confused I am, not even remembering that. This hunger does that; it steals all other thought so that it dominates your mind; it's all you can think of. I have to try really hard not to think about it. Praying is one refuge. I do spend a lot of time in prayer, so at least this agony is achieving one of my main aims, to get closer to God. To get close to my Father.

Abba, I thank you for this time with you; it has become so precious, especially since we met and spoke about so many things. Help me through this time of trial. Make me strong; give me rest and peace this night, ready to do your will tomorrow. Amen

Why didn't I just say "OK, I'll try it for a few days until things become clearer", but for some reason I got to thinking about Moses and Elijah; how they fasted for forty days and nights. I must say I'm even more impressed with those two giants of our faith now. I appreciate more clearly what that meant. At least out here there's not much to tempt you to eat before the time is up.

~~~

I slept but it must have been fitful because I woke with the hunger pains and an aching head again. It was a beautiful moonlit night. Everything still and quiet, but then the quiet was suddenly broken with the barking of a vixen, calling her mate. Nothing else stirred. I continued listening to the silence for a long time and thinking about some of the conversations I had been having with God. I still can't believe that he was in here with me chatting about things; such important things..

My chain of thoughts are interrupted by another searing spasm in my stomach; it had me doubling up with the pain. I got to thinking that with all those powers at my disposal I could easily put a stop to this; I could, if I am the Son of God, change those rocks into bread, or meat or anything tasty to eat. I could stop all this at a stroke. It would get rid of all this pain I am suffering and it would be so easy to do.

But wait – that would be to give in to the tempter. No; get these thoughts away. What was it that Moses wrote when the Lord had provided manna to them in the desert? It was their lesson about depending on God "you shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that comes from the mouth of God." No I shall not give into these thoughts. I shall carry on until it is done.

Lord, strengthen me. Give me words of encouragement. Give me joy in the knowledge that I do your will. Will this be the end of my temptations or will they continue...even for the Son of God?

I wait a long time in silence...

"In this world there is a battle going on between evil and goodness. You have two natures within you, Jesus; human and divine. The same battle that is going on in the world is going on inside you. Imagine that the fight within you is between two wolves. One is bad; he is anger, hatred, envy, greed, arrogance, self-pity, sorrow, regret, lies, false pride, superiority, and every evil deed.

The other is good; he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, empathy, benevolence, generosity, truth, compassion, faith and every kind deed. In this respect you are no different to humans; this same fight is going on inside every one of them, too."

Father, is this true? So if it's a fight, which wolf will win?

"It's quite simple really...it's the one you feed. You see, every person has the ability to choose between good and evil. I gave them that choice. They can choose which they please but there is only one choice if they want to please me and receive all the good things I have in store for them. Those who choose evil get a quick fix of pleasure that won't last for long and then it is gone forever. Those who choose good things get things that last a lifetime...and beyond. The tempter will be back; he or she comes in many guises and when you least expect them, you can be sure of that, but at least you will be ready, won't you?"

I surely will. I understand so much more now. Thank you.

#  Chapter 17The 'awakening'

I am awake and it's a bright new day. There is a freshness; a crispness in the air, as if everywhere has been freshly cleaned. Somehow I feel different; the load feels light, as if it has all gone away. As I roll over to get off my mat there is bread, with some olives and figs laid out on the floor at the entrance to the cave. I shake my head to see if it's a dream; a vision, but no. What does this mean? Is it all over? Is it time to leave? It feels strange to have to leave this place; I have got quite used to it.

I don't need to ask where this has come from. God provided for Elijah as he hid from Jezebel. I feel so hungry and in need of this.

Abba. I know this is from you and it is not a test. I know what I must do now so fill me with your love and strengthen me for the journey. Be my companion on the way.

This is the sign that I must return. Not too much at first and save the rest for the journey.

I don't really know what happened last night, but this morning everything has changed. I feel so different; refreshed, as if something had been resolved at last; the last piece fitted into the puzzle and a great weight lifted off my shoulders.

Yesterday I was in so much turmoil; hungry and at my wits end; dizzy and confused; ready to just die; I was wretched. I felt tormented; but today I'm truly at Peace. It must have been something to do with the dream. I feel changed.

In the dream I was different; I was walking along with God and we were chatting as we walked. He was stopping occasionally and pointing to things and I seemed to have this great understanding, this knowledge of what was happening. It felt very strange, but quite natural at the same time. All at once we stopped and people appeared from nowhere. They knelt down in front of us and they were all saying "Holy, Holy, Holy is the Lord our God and blessed is his only Son"

Thank you! I trusted you and you did not fail me. I know you will never fail me no matter what happens next.

After that 'tempter' had been yesterday, the passage from Isaiah came to mind; the bit where it says,

"The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me, because the Lord has anointed me to proclaim the good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the broken-hearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the Lord's favour and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn."

I woke up this morning thinking about it again and I suddenly realised that it was about me. Isaiah had this vision from my Father about what was to come – as a warning to the people at the time – but nevertheless a warning and – yes – a vision of hope for the future. I should use that.

It's true the people have been waiting a long time for this change to come about and everybody's been waiting for the Messiah – the 'promised one' to come and set the people free. The thing is that for most people all they want to be free from is this occupation from Rome, but I now know that it is not this that is the greatest tyrant to the people – it's themselves and their selfishness. God wants their focus back on him – then they will truly be free.

Yesterday, I think for the first time, I discovered who I really am and today I not only know what I must do, but that I must do it straight away. I have been waiting all my life for this moment, and so have so many people. This is my task – I know it for sure now. This is what all this time here has been about. What is it 30? 40 days – must be getting on for that.

I know what lies at the end of the road I must travel, but there will also be blessings on the way. I can help so many; I can bring people back; those that have been abandoned; those who have been expelled, ridiculed and excluded; those who have been trampled on and whose hearts have been broken; whose children have been ignored.

Abba I know that you will be with me. Strengthen me now.

This has taken such a long time for me to sort things out. I remember when I first came here – to this place in the wild and deserted place. I was so confused with all that was going on. My life seemed in turmoil and I didn't know what was expected of me. Then I received news of father's death. That was hard to take especially as I couldn't return home. I know that God has chosen me to fulfil the role of Messiah, and that I don't need to be a carpenter anymore; James and Joseph are more than capable to do this, and there's a limit to how many carpenters a village needs. But it's clear now.

No, I shall return to Galilee; that's where I will begin, but first I want to see my family in Nazareth and then I set out to meet the people.

Abba, guide my steps in this beautiful yet inhospitable place. I have many days to travel; and so much to do. But I do it willingly – your will be done. Amen.

I have enjoyed the solitude here, well if you exclude all those visitors. Yes the solitude has been helpful; as has the silence. It is so peaceful and quiet here. And I have been still; no rushing about with work or errands; nothing has to be done by a time. If anything, time has stood still while I have given all my attention to God. It's given me time without distraction. I needed this and I feel calm. My anger with the world has abated and I am feeling more confident; yes definitely more confident in what lies ahead.

When things get too much, as I'm sure they will, I will come here again to be refreshed; to be with you Lord. I know I can get here from wherever I am, now that I have the power.

As I gather my belongings together, I pack away the remaining food into my travel bag. I notice the two items I have acquired during my stay: my nail and the raven's feather - my 'fallen angel'. I swing the bag around my neck and pick up my staff, and with a final look around the cave, my home for so many nights, I start the descent. Who knows what that cave has witnessed since its formation; how many souls have sought shelter or refuge here; and how many more in the years to come, I wonder...

#  Chapter 18And so to work...

I'm on my way; back to Nazareth; to be with my family once more. It's a strange feeling but it doesn't feel as if I'm going 'home'. I don't think I will ever know what 'home' will feel like now. It will be different without my father being there. They will have had to make adjustments without him. It will not be easy; but what has been easy about our lives? I suppose it has been that God has been with us no matter what has occurred.

It will be good to see them again after all this time. I'm not sure how I'll tell them about what I've been doing and what I've learned. I won't stay long as I need to be about my task and there is a long journey ahead of me to get to Galilee.

I've just passed through the small town of Peniel on the Jobbok River and I remember that this was where Jacob crossed over to meet with his brother Esau at Shechem after being estranged for many years. He had not seen his brother since he cheated him out of his birthright by deceiving Isaac, their father. This meeting was by way of reconciliation and he was fearful about how it would turn out.

The night before he crossed the river, he sent his family and their entourage ahead of him and he wrestled all night with a stranger, who turned out to be God. He was not aware that it was God he fought, but in the morning he saw his face and was spared. I know how he must have felt. That moment returned to me.

God could have so easily beaten Jacob, but he was testing him; seeing how resilient he was; testing his determination. He was always destined to be the leader of the two brothers, even though he was the younger. But this test reaffirmed him as the rightful patriarch. We know he was not perfect; he had many faults and did many bad things, but he loved God, and God loved him.

It feels like I've gone through a similar experience; I've wrestled with my inmost thoughts and my demons. I've come to terms with my task and I'm going forward to a reconciliation; a reconciliation with God's people; showing them a better way to live in community with God; putting things right; redressing the balance that has been made uneven by humankind's interference. Those who have attained authority have usurped their power for their own benefit and have forgotten God, as so many before.

Like Jacob, I am fearful of how things will be; I'm apprehensive of how I will be received; if people will listen to what I have to say. Will I be as powerful in my speaking as John?

I do not know; it is not my place to know. But I trust in my heavenly Father and Spirit to guide me; to protect me and I now have this great power as a witness to who I am; a power to heal and cure; a power to perceive. And I know that the veil between this life and the next is close by; it is thin and can be crossed; I have witnessed it.

I have such mixed feelings about this journey. In one moment I am fearful of the outcome for I know what awaits me at the end, even though I do not know when this will be. In another, I am excited at the prospect of meeting new people; seeing lives transformed; bringing people back to God; restoring their faith; bringing relief and enriching their lives once more. I want to be able to hear people rejoicing and praising God's name with renewed glory; for them to be empowered.

But I also know that there will be those who will want to stop me from doing this because it will take away what power they have over them. I will need my wits about me.

Abba, this is what I fear most. It's trusting that all the people I meet will want to hear the good news I have for them, but knowing also that some will be spies, and thus not really listening to what I have to say. This feels hurtful that they have turned away from you so much that they would not want to hear that you love them, and more that they would want harm caused. Maybe I could use my power to determine what is in their hearts and so be ready for that special message meant only for them? But I trust you, Lord, that you will know what I must do.

I must rest soon; the light is fading and it will soon be dark. I have some food, given to me in the village; how did they know about that I would be passing through? I think I can see a place where I might stay to sleep. A large boulder has come to rest on another and has left a large void beneath which will give me some shelter.

~~~

It's not yet light and I'm on my way once more. I feel refreshed after my stop and my feet are light, knowing I will be with my family in another day or so. It's better travelling early to avoid the heat of the day. The air is cool and clear with a warm day in prospect.

I can't help but notice all the wonderful flowers that grow in profusion here alongside the river bank. And yet a few yards away is this barren wasteland; inhospitable and full of stones and boulders. You can't put one foot in front of another without having to avoid a stone. A path here is difficult to find with many obstacles in its way, whereas my path here is easy and pleasant, following along the river; it's a different world just feet away.

This seems to be just like the two worlds we live in; the world of humankind, which is difficult and harsh at times, and the way is difficult to follow without someone to guide you. Compared to God's world, which is easy when you follow him.

The sun is just rising now and huge shadows are being cast across the land. This is a beautiful time of day; people are rising and starting their prayers to set them up for the day ahead.

Just ahead of me I notice a group of men, three I think; one standing and the other two sitting. As I approach, I recognise Thomas and the others as being friends of John. They look downcast. They welcome me and I sit with them as they are just finishing their breakfast.

"What news?" I ask.

Thomas speaks, "They have taken John."

"Who? Taken him where?"

"The soldiers came; tied him up like a criminal and took him away."

"For what reason, did they say?"

"They just said that Herod wanted to see him so they grabbed him and off they went; we could do nothing."

"That doesn't sound too good does it?" I said. "Shall we pray for him?"

We all took turns calling for God to be with John and for him to be treated kindly and fairly. Then Thomas said, "We do not know what to do now. Should we carry on with John's work or should we wait to see what happens; if John is released?"

"You can come with me, if you want to continue John's work. I have work to do and I need help. I'll teach you what I know."

Thomas didn't even stop to think about it but replied, "Jesus, I will come with you."

The other two went into a huddle and after a few moments turned and said that they would return to their families and wait for John to return. So we said goodbye to them and I continued on my journey with a new companion. We had much to talk about as we headed north. I felt really sad about the news of John, but I was not as hopeful of his safe return as his friends were.

"Where are we headed?" Thomas asked.

"To Nazareth, my home town; it's from there where I will start this work."

"You're going home, then?"

"No, Thomas. I don't have a home, now. I'm going to work."

Thomas made no reply and we continued for some time in silence. I wonder what else lies ahead of me today, or for that matter, the rest of my life...

#  Postscript

My rationale for the conversation between Jesus and his Father is based on my own experience, and I'm sure the vast majority of you – the readers, in that it appears to be a 'one-way' conversation with God. But is it? I would contend that just because we don't hear a voice, it doesn't mean God is not responding. My experience is that he responds in different ways and not always immediately, as we might expect.

Often the answers come from what someone else says to us, or from something we dream about or wake up thinking about. More often it's in just 'knowing' that we have to do the one thing we don't want to do – we were expecting a different answer – an easier option, but deep down we know it's not 'that one'.

If you are interested in finding out more about this way of thinking about prayer, you can refer to an excellent book by Pete Greig entitled 'God on Mute' (David © Cook).

I felt that this way of dealing with the 'conversations' was more in keeping with what the vast majority of us experience. That is not to deny that there are many others who experience a far deeper and reverent exchange with God, but these, I fear, are the exception rather than the rule, but I would welcome other's views on this.

# Bibliography

Jesus: The Evidence, Ian Wilson (Pan Books) Family tree of Jesus pp128

Quotes from the Bible are variously from NRSV, Harper Collins Publishers or Life Application Bible, Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Wheaton, Illinois

V28
