 
THE GIRL AND THE BOY WHO MET JUST ONCE

A.E.WILMAN

Copyright 2017 by A.E. Wilman

All rights reserved.

No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the earlier written permission of the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain other non-commercial uses permitted by copyright law.

The following is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents either are products of the author's imagination or are fictitious. Any resemblance to real events or locales or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.
Chapter 1

I was born at the dawn, in the summer day, in the middle of the year.

The same day Victoria came to the garden where I played my best childhood games; the fairy tales I listened to, the ping-pong matches of which I won two, the laughter of children that run on the grass, and the miles I rode on my tiny bike.

And I was as happy as any child could be owing to Granddad the magic of our garden's tree. The man who decided the day I was born to bring it with him to our new home. Granddad was wise and peculiar sometimes what made him a mystery to many of us. The people who lived their everyday lives without thinking about the secrets locked inside our minds. The secrets my granddad would show on the cards of tarot he read for those who would care.

Granddad had talent like only he could have, to whisper the sounds of the seasons that changed. He listened to rustles and cracks every dawn to make out the moods of the next couple of weeks. The moods of the weather he liked to see to forecast the times of his mountain trips.

\- Why did you give the tree in the garden my name? - I asked one morning, watching him listening to the sounds of approaching summer.

\- The rain will be here any minute – he hurried me inside the house, – Victoria; I didn't give the tree your name.

\- I don't understand - I frowned, - Mom said you planted that tree on my birthday, and that you decided to call it Victoria.

\- That's right – nodded Granddad, - I planted the tree on the day you were born and I decided to call it Victoria. That was the name I gave to the tree, but your parents didn't know how to call you. They had a long list of names, but couldn't decide on any of them. And then your mother went out into the garden and saw the tree. She asked me where I got it from. I explained that a friend of mine wanted to throw away a plant infected with a disease. I stopped him, and on the day of your birth I brought the tree home. I didn't want it to die. I decided to choose a special place for it, so it could feel exceptional and wanted. I also named it Victoria, so it remembered that fighting the disease will result in long life and branches full of cherries every summer. Your mother, hearing the name of the tree, cried, "Daddy! This is the name for our little girl! This is the name we've been looking for so many days!". This way you were given the name after the tree and not the other way around. Amazingly, when you were still very little, the tree always caught your attention. You could spend hours gazing at it - Grandpa laughed.

\- Do you think we are connected? \- I asked.

\- Yes, of course. You and the tree were born to a new life at the same time. Thanks to the tree, you got a name. Thanks to you, the tree appeared in the garden. I brought it, so you could play in its shade. Remember, no one is born alone and no one dies alone. This is your life tree - said Granddad.

And that's how we talked that summer day about the tree he planted for me.

The cherry tree that lived with me the life I adored for fifteen years.

The next morning he was gone from the life we shared for all these years.

I still remember his funeral day; the flowers scent and the chapel's bell, the depth of his grave he laid to rest, and the taste of the tears on my cheeks.

It took me years to come to terms with the way he left of sudden cardiac arrest. I searched for him in different men, but found out that no one compared to his wise mind and the kindness of his heart. Until one day I found those qualities again.
Chapter 2

Peter brought Granddad on an autumn day, the week I left home to live on my own. I still remember being blown away, the warmth and the smell of his hand, and the words he said:

\- Hi, I'm Peter. It's nice to meet you – he extended his hand.

\- Victoria – I shook the hand.

\- I missed the earlier classes. Could I use your notes today? I mean, if you don't mind. I don't speak French at all, and your notes would help me catch up with the class.

\- Sure, I don't mind you using my notes. You can borrow and copy them after the class if you want to. Last week we learned a few simple phrases and conjugation of the two verbs. But most of the time we were practicing pronunciation.

\- Thanks for that. Will you have time after the class? I don't want you to miss other classes.

\- You're alright. This is my last class until afternoon's anatomy.

\- Anatomy? - he asked surprised. You're not from philosophy?

\- No. I'm from medicine. I never thought about studying philosophy. I don't know much about it.

\- You don't have to study philosophy to know it. You just live it. You will be a doctor then?

\- That's right – I confirmed.

\- That's good, but you have a musician's soul – he looked at me and smiled.

I ignored what he said then but three years later I understood what he meant.

It's an easy thing to miss your gift when you are young and full of hopes for the life you want, but never meant to have. So after three years I quit medicine, causing some stir among all family. Despite all this I still had him like a beacon calling me home from the dark water sea. But one day he left and took granddad away.

Chapter 3

The day I returned home, Tobias came across. He followed my steps in December snow, and when I greeted the tree he watched over me.

\- Whose that with you, Victoria? – Grandma asked, indicating the shadow, near the suitcase.

Curious, I turned around - Grandma, I didn't bring him. I even didn't know he was there. Maybe he got lost or escaped from home – I said.

\- Maybe - Grandma smiled, looking at Tobias carefully. - What do you think will happen now? - she looked at me intently.

\- It's cold. Maybe we could... it's still a kitten.

\- You know Cristina doesn't like pets - Grandma reminded.

\- I know, but Mum has a good heart and I'm sure that as soon as she sees him, she won't let him freeze in the snow, and certainly not in our garden. Besides, he doesn't have to stay forever. We can find his home tomorrow. We can post ads with a photo. Maybe someone is looking for him. Maybe he was looking for his house, or he thought I was going to his house...

\- I don't think so - she said, waving her hand, – When you stop guessing Tobias's intentions, you'll notice that he is climbing up Victoria's branch and if you don't help him, he'll break his neck.

\- Thank you, Grandma - I smiled, pulling the cat off the tree, – He must have thought you'll throw him out.

\- You thought that not him – she smiled and turned around, - He can stay, but don't change his name – she added, inviting us to the house.

This way Tobias joined the family; replacing or imitating Granddad. I was never sure of that. I knew, however, that Tobias, like Granddad, could whisper sounds. He heard his food ready all the way a long alley, but couldn't smell a thing. Grandma claimed that Tobias couldn't be a cat. Dad used to say that when a wild cat becomes a domestic cat, there is nothing strange with that. Mother never commented on Tobias. She accepted him secretly, pretending to be completely uninterested in his life.

Tobias had times of transient rebellion, that is, sometimes he refused to eat. He would go out to the garden and climbed up Victoria. This way he would spend a couple of days, changing the branches from time to time. Grandma used to say that in such strange ways he expressed his adventure quests. Dad used to say he was simply overfed.

Tobias also had many love affairs. During these times he didn't disappear from the house like other cats. On the contrary, he hosted his chosen ones in the garden. Tobias ended all affairs completely exhausted. Grandma used to say that the desire of the opposite sex is the world's driving force. Dad claimed that someday he won't stand it anymore.

The greatest love of Tobias was Victoria. Every morning he went out to the garden and sharpened the claws on its bark. Then he climbed the largest branch, stood there proudly for a long moment, just to make a sudden jump to the ground. Dad used to say that this love couldn't be reciprocated. Grandma claimed that love doesn't care for shapes, forms or details.
Chapter 4

I was twenty - five when Grandma died. I still remember the colour of cherry blossoms, the smell of lilac, coming from the neighbour's garden, and the sight of the rosary with crystal beads, reflecting light rays in her hand.

\- Victoria, Tobias is stretching on the branches of the tree, isn't he? – she asked me quietly.

\- No. He's not there. Actually, I didn't see him all day – I answered, looking out the window.

\- That's good - Grandma said, – Don't worry about him if he won't come back.

\- He always comes back.

\- But I'm not always dying - she smiled at me. - You never asked me why I gave him that name.

I clenched my teeth - I never asked because I knew where you took it from. That was Granddad's second name.

\- Yes, it was \- she nodded. - He never liked it, though. Where is Cristina?

\- In the kitchen. She's talking to the doctor.

\- Go there and tell her that he won't be needed anymore.

\- But Grandma...

\- Do as I say. I wanted you to know I prepared clothes, some time ago. They are in the wardrobe. I want you to bury me in them. You will also find a prayer there - book that you will put in the coffin and a small gift for Father Gregory.

She died quietly, before sunset. I still remember the expression of her serene face, frozen on white pillow and a view of her hand, numb on the rosary beads.

I still remember her funeral day; the view of the grave we laid her to rest, the chapel's bell, the flowers scent, and the shock we all had that she took Tobias with her.

Chapter 5

I was twenty \- six when I felt the need to leave the life I lived for the last two years. The need that ripened inside me slowly to change the surroundings to more demanding and less boring.

Mom said that once in the lifetime everyone feels need like that, Dad said that it was perfectly alright.

\- Why would you like to leave your home? – Kate asked , sipping smoothie through the straw.

\- I think I'm bored. Everything seems so safe and secure. I've known every single person in the district since ever. I want to see the world, meet new people, see if I can do something more than teaching music. I can't imagine getting married and having children now and start travelling at old age – I said.

\- I see – she smiled. - Do you know anyone abroad?

\- Mum's cousin has moved to London recently. I don't want to bother her, though. She hasn't been that long there and probably hasn't settled in yet.

\- Well, I know a girl who left for Ireland two years ago. We are in email contact. As far as I know she has settled in quite well. She got married last year and had a baby. I can ask her if she knows some girls you could stay with.

\- I don't know her.

\- You're my friend. She owes me a big time, and I'm sure she remembers about that. I don't think it's a good idea to go on your own and live with people you don't know at all.

This way I left the life I had, familiar town and safety of home.

I still remember the chill of the morning and rainy storm thundering from the cloudy sky, my surprise when the gust of the wind snatched the photo from my hand.

\- I was afraid you won't recognise me. Kate's shown you my old photo – said Caroline, putting mobile away and starting the engine.

\- A funny thing, I just lost it on the tarmac – I laughed. – Thank you for collecting me from the airport and organising a bedroom for me.

\- That was the least I could do to Kate's friend. She's helped me a lot while we were studying. I'm glad I can repay me debt.

\- That's a lot – I smiled.

\- Listen... Victoria. There's something I need to tell you about the bedroom I found for you at my friends. I thought you would be sharing it with another girl but it turned out that she comes in two weeks, so the man who's been living there is still there.. My friends say the man is quite and decent and never had problems with him.

\- You want me to share a bedroom with a man I don't know.

\- Well, yes. Everybody lives like that here. When I came here, I shared a bedroom with a man for two months before I found a single room. I would take you to our house, but my brother came last week and we are pretty crowded ourselves. If you feel uncomfortable at any stage, you can always crash at our living room couch – she said.

\- I don't want to sound ungrateful, but are you sure the man is alright?

\- Of course. I met him yesterday. Nice, polite, and well – educated.

And so I agreed to the arrangement I didn't predict.

Chapter 6

This was the way I found myself at Caroline's friends who shared the house with two other men. The very same day I got familiarized with simple rules I agreed to oblige. Common sense and mutual respect were here the base of the household space.

\- I can see you don't like this situation - he said to me, sitting on his bed.

I sighed heavily - And you, would you like to live with a strange man if you were a woman?

\- No - he laughed, - I wouldn't like to. I'm surprised though the way you found out about it. I don't know Caroline but I know that you let someone know about the situation before they arrive. You could've postponed arrival or find a bedroom first and then buy a ticket. I wouldn't put anyone in such a situation. I'll try not to make it hard or uncomfortable to you.

\- Thank you - I smiled. - Sorry, but I missed your name. I'm tired.

- I can see that. My name is Damian.

\- Did you know that I was coming?

\- Yes. I agreed because I know how hard is to find a bedroom these days. Besides, it's only two weeks. I'm moving out when Stan arrives.

\- Stan is your friend?

\- No. Stan is my mother's boyfriend.

\- I understand.

\- No – he laughed, – Don't take this the wrong way but I can see you don't understand. You'll never see Caroline again. Her friends won't help you as well. They are only your landlords. I have to admit they know how to keep an order in the house, and I like the privacy and the housekeeping rules they set up but they're not anyone's friends. You're on your own. It's not my business, but I recommend you to start looking for a job immediately. I know it's difficult to find a job at this time. I think you'll end up at SOL in a week's time. Everyone starts there. You want to survive, you go there.

\- I understand. What is SOL?

\- No – he laughed again, - You don't understand. SOL is a printing - house. You stand on the floor and make newspapers. Then you roll the newspapers and manually transfer the rolls to the pallets. It's a grind.

\- I understand. A printing - house called SOL - I muttered.

\- You don't understand. The printing - house is "The Irish Times" like the newspaper. SOL is a name invented by the people who had their first job there.

\- Why? - I came to life suddenly.

\- Because sooner or later everyone gets there.

\- You're right - I laughed, – I understand nothing today.

\- Because you are tired. You're lucky you were flying. I came here by bus. It was a grind.

\- When did you come here? - I asked.

He grinned broadly - Half a year ago. I wouldn't repeat it.

\- Why?

\- One day I came back from work and I decided to go to Ireland. The next day I packed my things and the third one I got on the bus. During the trip I met a man who has already been to Ireland before. He helped me, taking me to the hostel where I lived for two months. What a nightmare. Hostels are no place for women, although I know many who live in there. You wouldn't stand it.

\- Why do you think so? - I asked, surprised.

\- I can see it! - he laughed out loud. - Don't worry - he added after a moment, – I'm not working tomorrow. I have to distribute my résumé, so you can go with me. I'll show you some places where you can leave yours.

\- Thanks.

\- No problem.

\- Where do you work?

\- On various construction sites in the area.

\- You build houses? - I asked.

\- No. I don't build houses - he laughed again.

\- I don't understand.

\- Yes, we've agreed to that already. I clean houses after renovation or before renovation. It's hard, but well paid work. At first I couldn't get used to it, but now I'm getting better. It's good money, but I don't have as many hours as I wished I had.

\- What were you doing back home?

\- I worked in a town hall, a bit as a graphic designer, and a bit as a co-organizer of various projects.

\- So you're a graphic designer - I said.

\- Yes.

\- Don't you miss it? I mean it's different work than a janitor.

\- Sure, I miss it a lot. I also miss my hometown. But I knew I was coming here only for a while, just to earn some extra money. You'll learn that too.

\- What?

\- That you have to forget who you were at home and what were you doing. You have to accept that you are nobody here. You start from the beginning. For this reason never put third level education in your résumé if you apply for a job in a coffee shop.

\- Why?

\- You're overqualified.

\- From what you said I see, I have a lot to learn to - I said.

\- That is a correct conclusion of our conversation - he said, and lay down on the bed. - What were you doing back home?

\- I was teaching music.

\- Oh. You are a musician. What instruments you play?

\- A piano is my favourite.

\- I could've figured out you're a pianist.

\- How? – I asked, surprised.

\- By looking at your long fingers – he nodded towards my hands.

\- Yes – I smiled. – People notice that a lot.

\- Have you dreamed of becoming a pianist?

\- Not necessary. What about you, have you dreamed of becoming a graphic designer?

\- Yes. Have you left somebody home?

\- What do you mean?

\- I mean, do you have a husband or a boyfriend there?

\- I wouldn't be here if I had – I laughed.

\- Right – he smiled.

\- I have parents there.

\- What are they doing there?

\- My dad is a history teacher, and my mum is a writer – I explained.

\- A writer? – he sat on the bed.

\- Yes – I nodded.

\- Is she a well - known writer? – he asked.

\- She's well – know for me – I laughed. – I'm tired, do you mind if we continue this conversation tomorrow.

\- Sure – he shrugged. – Do you want to leave the lights on? – he asked.

\- No. Why?

\- You're not afraid of darkness?

\- No – I answered, fixing the pillow, - Are you afraid of darkness?

\- Of course not. I just thought you would feel more comfortable with the light on.

\- I'll be fine if you stay where you are – I laughed, but my body anxiously shrugged.

Chapter 7

On the seventh day of my journey, I felt completely desperate. Constant rain and fruitless hours of job searching discouraged me to stay.

\- Has anybody called about the job? - he asked, laying down on the bed.

\- Nobody's called – I coughed loudly.

\- What about the coffee shop I showed you the other day?

\- They didn't have a vacancy.

\- Seven days are not long enough to find a job. On the other hand, if they need somebody they call the next day after receiving the application. Just to comfort you, I have to admit you've done here more to find a job within seven days than I did during the last six months.

\- Thanks. That's not comforting – I said tired.

\- Have you had any phone calls from Caroline? – he asked.

\- No, but it doesn't matter now because I'm leaving.

\- You're going back home? – he asked, surprised.

\- No. I'm leaving for London by the end of the week. I called my cousin who lives there. She said I can stay with her and look for the job there – I explained.

\- I didn't know you had family in London.

\- I have. She's my Mum's cousin.

\- I think going to London is a good idea. I mean once you moved from home it would be a shame to come back so soon. I'm sure you'll find your luck in England. After all, I wouldn't like to hear from you in a week's time from Singapore – he laughed.

\- Ha, ha – I said and coughed.

\- Have you bought a plane ticket?

\- Anna has arranged that. I'm too sick to do anything, and I have to go to A&E to get an antibiotic for that chest infection I have – I said.

\- How do you know you have a chest infection? – he asked.

\- I've studied medicine.

\- Really? What happened?

\- I quit.

\- I see – he nodded. – The hospital isn't very good idea. You will have to spend in the waiting room at least a couple of hours and you don't look like you could manage that. David, the guy I work with, had to go to A&E with a cut leg last week. It took him half of the day to get a few stitches. He got so pissed about that he called his girlfriend back home who sends him meds now.

\- How does she get them?

\- She's a pharmacist.

\- Oh, right – I coughed again, but this time I couldn't stop.

\- It's not good – he concluded after I had stopped. – You know what? I'm going to David now to return the DVD so I could ask if he has any antibiotics left. You've almost become a doctor, so you would know what you need, right?

\- I don't want to bother you – I said tired.

\- You don't bother me. I'll pay him for the meds, and you'll give the money back to me. I think it would be better solution than waiting hours in the hospital.

\- Why are you helping me, Damian? – I sat up on the bed.

\- I told you before. Few people helped me too when I came here. I'm repaying my debt by helping you. Besides, I wasn't much of a help.

\- This way I will have a debt towards you.

\- You're going to England. London is a big city with better opportunities. You have my mobile and e-mail address. If you hear about some good job for a graphic designer, you'll let me know. This way you can repay your debt.

\- Alright.

\- What meds do you need?

\- It would be great if he had ampicillin in his comprehensive medication cabinet – I smiled.

\- Alright. I'll get if for you. Try to have some sleep. You look horrible. I'll be back as soon as possible. I'll get some orange juice for you too. You need some vitamins. You got sick because of the stress and that nasty weather. But you can relax now.

I didn't pay attention to what he said maybe because I was falling asleep, or maybe because I was still too stupid, or maybe because I was simply too ill.

But I remembered the hand that woke me; the taste of the orange juice mixed with the bitterness of the medicine and the sound of his words: "Good girl. You will be well soon."

I also remembered the dream I dreamed of the pain I didn't feel, of the scream I didn't scream and of the bondage I suffered. The dream that lasted forever, repeated endlessly, like a mirror showing the same reflection over and over again. There was a girl in the dream, lying on the bed, the girl who was thoughtlessly raped.

Chapter 8

I died on the ninth day of my journey. I still remember the moonlight reflected in the window; the sound of the waves hitting the cliffs; the moisture and the smell of the dirty bedding and the shadow that moved towards me slowly.

\- Well, well. Little Victoria has finally woken up. That's good because I already thought you would sleep another day – he said and looked at the clock on the nightstand.

I remember feeling dull and confused - Where am I?

\- Here - he laughed.

\- What happened to me?

\- You slept for two days. I even got scared a bit you'll never wake up. You had a high fever, and you were hallucinating. I was giving you plenty of water so you wouldn't get dehydrated. You were pretty messed up \- he sighed deeply.

\- Why didn't you call someone? Why didn't you take me to the hospital? - I asked weakly.

\- There was no need for that. Good sleep and an antibiotic did a good job - he said.

\- Did I take an antibiotic? - I asked, trying to get up.

\- Yes. I brought you an antibiotic. I got it for you. Don't worry about the money. You've already paid me.

\- I don't understand.

\- Yes – he nodded, - We've agreed to that a long time ago – he laughed.

\- I don't understand why I can't remember anything, and why am I feeling so strange. Would you help me? - I looked at him, trying to get up unsuccessfully.

\- I've already done that. And now you take care of yourself, because I don't have time to nurse you for another day. You go to the bathroom, bath, pack things and go to the airport.

And then I realized the dream I was dreaming of the death I survived - Why am I lying on your bed and where are my clothes?

\- You threw up on your clothes, so I took them off, and my bed was bigger and better - he laughed, heading for the door.

\- Wait - I managed to raise my head. - What did you give me?!

\- The antibiotic - he turned to me.

\- What kind of antibiotic?!

\- I don't remember. I don't have the packaging anymore, but I think it was the one you asked for - he smiled.

\- What have you done to me?!

\- You shouldn't complain since it helped. You see, it's like crossing the street on the red light. If you get hit, it's your fault because you were crossing the street in the wrong place.

\- What have you done to me?!

\- I helped you get rid of a bad cough – he smiled broadly.

\- Why?!

\- Because you were looking for a cure - he laughed.

\- Who are you?!

\- I introduced myself a long time ago. I'm Damian and you are a great chick. The pleasure of meeting you was mine – he gave me thumbs up and left.

I still remember kneeling on dirty knees and rinsing his words with endless fierce. Dried sweat, blood, and sperm down the drain with water went. I still remember the smell of him that infected my skin and made me sick.

I took a lot from my future self by packing the suitcase and hurried escape. But the urge to forget this awful disgrace made me to get away from there.

I gave him a lot the way I left by letting him erase the memory of those two days.

I didn't know it then, that to wash the evidence away is to take the self-blame.

I didn't know it then, that I couldn't get away from the pain that was burning inside me through the boarding gates, and arrived with me in the English land.

Chapter 9

I was sitting quietly at the crowded airport when she came to me like a lifeboat.

\- Victoria! I'm sorry it took me so long! I thought you would be arriving at the international terminal, and you landed at the domestic. It was confusing, that's why it took me so long to get to you – she stopped, meeting my eyes. – Oh, my God! Victoria! You look horrible! You're so pale, and you have dark circles under your eyes. What is wrong with you?

I remember how long I was crying hang on her neck like a baby lost in the familiar smell of the mother's hair.

\- Victoria. It's alright. You're safe now. Can you hear me? – she said after I had stopped.

- Yes.

\- That's good. Can you let go of me now? I don't want to complain, but you're suffocating me – she said and sat me down on a chair – Tell me, what happened to you there?

\- Nothing – I lied.

\- What happened there? - she repeated.

\- Nothing. I'm just so terribly tired and so sick that I thought I won't survive the flight - I said quickly.

\- I see. Has something else happened except for those two things? – she asked and pierced me with the eyes.

\- Nothing happened - I said more confidently.

\- Then why are you so shaken up, and why are you crying?

\- I'm just happy to see you. I was there completely alone and I got so ill. I thought I wouldn't make it through the airport and the flight - I coughed.

\- I understand. But are you sure it's only fear and sickness? - she squinted her eyes.

\- Yes.

\- How long do you know me? - she asked, sitting down on the bench opposite my chair.

\- All my life.

\- That's right. You know me all your life. I know we haven't seen each other too often, but that doesn't mean I'm not a trustworthy. Whatever happened to you there, you can tell me. It will stay between us forever. I promise.

I swallowed hard – Nothing happened to me.

\- I'm asking you this because I have lived in different countries for many years now. During my trips I met different people, and I know that a man sometimes is less than a man. I was lucky to learn that indirectly. Have you learned that directly?

\- I don't know what you are talking about, Anna. I just got so scared when I got sick with no job in a foreign country. That's all. The fear I felt there was something I've never experienced before.

\- I see. And besides the fear, was there someone else?

\- There was nobody there.

\- Good, because if there was somebody there, I'm sure you would tell me. Am I right?

I nodded – Do you have any medication at home? My chest infection hasn't cleared yet. I might need another course of the antibiotic – I changed the subject.

\- We'll find you a doctor – she smiled.

\- There's no need for that. I'm sure I'm on the brink of recovery. I can feel it. But if you had some painkillers, it would be a great relief. I can treat myself.

\- I almost forgot about that – she said. – Alright. I have some medication at home. Are you sure you don't need a doctor? – she asked and sank her eyes at me.

\- I'm sure. All I need is a bath and plenty of sleep.

\- Not a problem. You can take as much time as you need to get better. By the way, a friend of mine is looking for a nanny for her children. Their current nanny is leaving back for Spain in two - week time. Would you like to work with them?

\- Are you joking? – I asked, surprised.

\- No. You don't like this idea?

\- I love the idea. It would be a great job for me. When can I meet them?

\- When you get rid of that cough and those circles under your eyes – she laughed.

\- I'll be alright in a week's time – I smiled. – Anna, It would be great to work with children. I could teach them piano.

She stood up from the bench – I'm glad you like the idea – she said and took my suitcase. - Maybe you're right. Maybe my lawyer's mind sees a bent world. It could be only your fear and sickness – she added, giving me uncertain smile.

Chapter 10

In the second month of my journey, I found London suddenly overwhelming.

\- You should move in with Martha and Richard – suggested Anna.

\- You think they would be ok with that? – I asked tired.

\- Of course. They've been living here all their lives, so they'll understand. You take tube, train and bus every day to get there. Everyone would be tired. Kensington is a beautiful and peaceful district. You'll feel there at home after a while.

\- You're right - I said. - That's a good idea. I know the family well enough to move in with them by now. I don't know why I didn't do it right away. The commuting at the beginning seemed such a fun.

\- You were fascinated by the energy of the city – she smiled.

\- Yes – I nodded.

\- Have you called your parents? – she changed the subject suddenly.

\- Yes. Why?

\- Nothing. I was just wondering if you had time to give them a call since you were so busy.

\- I've called them a few times.

\- How are they?

\- They're alright. Dad worried about the cherry tree in the garden. It got sick suddenly, and he didn't know what happened to it. As you may remember it was the only tree in the garden.

\- I remember. Your granddad used to call it your life's tree.

\- That's right. I always... - I felt sick out of the blue.

\- You're alright? – she asked.

\- No – I said and rushed to the bathroom to throw up.

\- Victoria? You're alright? – she asked through the door.

\- Yes – I shouted, – I think I have food poisoning. Can you go down to the chemist and get me some electrolytes?

\- Sure. Do you need anything else?

\- Juts electrolytes.

\- Ok. I'll be right back.

I still remember when she came back and sat down next to me in the bathroom – I can't even imagine how hard it is to even think about it, Victoria, but you managed to suppress it only for a while. It will surface – she put her hands on my shoulders. – You won't get away from it by pretending that nothing happened.

\- What are you talking about? – I asked exhausted from nausea.

\- We'll talk when you finish with the pregnancy test I bought you – she said firmly and left.

I hesitated for a long time to bring back from the deeper mind the images of the recent past. I still remember how I denied the picture of a life of which I found out.

\- This is impossible. This test is wrong. I can't be pregnant – I sat down on the couch.

\- You are pregnant – she sighed.

\- You don't understand.

\- I understand – she nodded, - I waited patiently for two months hoping you would talk to me. I asked you if you needed a doctor. You claimed there was no need for that. I respected your will, assuming that you almost became a doctor once, so you knew we could prevent the consequences as soon as you came here.

\- I didn't think... - I broke off.

\- Yes - she nodded, – You were running away and didn't think. You also forgot you had changed the climate and got sick. Not to mention how drugged you were when you came here.

\- You saw that?

\- I'm a lawyer, Victoria. I worked in the prosecutor's office. I saw dozens of drugged and raped women.

\- Don't say that word – I asked softly.

\- Sexual assault probably sounds better, but it still means rape. The fact that you are afraid of this word proves that for two months you are trying to obliterate the event that happened. This event will stay with you as long as you keep it hidden. You have to cry it out or scream it out or whatever else that will help you to release it. And you have to do it fast because you don't have much time to make probably the most important decision of your life.

\- Decision? - I repeated involuntarily.

\- Yes, Victoria. You need to decide what to do next about the pregnancy.

\- It's a mistake. I can't be pregnant.

\- It's not a mistake. You are pregnant – she repeated.

\- I can't have a baby. Not like that.

\- Is that your decision? - she asked and looked at me intently.

\- I don't know! I can't think about it now! – I got up from the couch.

\- Alright. You'll think about it when you calm down. In the meantime, let's go back to what happened there. Who was he?

\- I don't know - I said, sitting down again.

\- Where did it happen?

\- At home. In a bedroom we shared. When I got so ill, he said he would get me an antibiotic. I remembered him waking me up and giving a medicine. The rest seemed like a nightmare. I woke up two days later confused, weak and still unwell. It was so scary. I have no idea what he gave me.

\- What did you do after waking up?

\- He was there, angry with me that I slept so long. He told me to take a bath, pack my things and leave for the plane. He also said it was my fault because I asked for the antibiotic. He wasn't the same man I knew for the first seven days.

\- That's because you didn't know him at all - she sighed heavily.

\- Who was he? - I asked her.

\- He was a man who saw you were alone, sick, scared, and out of work - she answered quickly. – Did he know you were leaving?

\- Yes.

\- Then he knew that you would take it with you. In the meantime, he's changed the apartment and the phone number. You erased all evidence, and you don't remember anything. He's clean - she spread her hands helplessly.

\- It was my fault - I said.

\- It was your fault that you trusted him. It was his fault he used your trust against you. If you told me this all right after you came here, we could report this to the police, and they would contact Irish authorities. Medical examinations and toxicology would confirm rape. I don't know what he gave you, but it couldn't have been only an antibiotic, because when I saw you at the airport, you were still pretty high. Now, when we can't prove the rape, you have to decide what to do next.

\- I can't decide until I know what drugs he gave me and if I'm healthy. I need to make some tests.

\- What a pity you know nothing about him. If you knew anything that would help finding him and making him to pay for the tests, it would be easier – she hissed angrily.

\- I know his name and the city he comes from. He gave me an email address and a phone number – I said.

\- Great! – she clasped her hand – Give me his name, and I will check with the friend from the police at home. He should find out his identification number easily. We may need it. In the meantime, you have to call that asshole and tell him to send you money for the tests, otherwise you'll report rape. Don't write him an email. Make a call and calmly dictate the terms.

\- I won't ask for money a man like that.

\- Don't be stupid – she said angrily. – He didn't have any remorse. He didn't take pity on you. He even took you away a chance to defend yourself. Everyone has a right to defend themselves against harm. If he talks to you, you'll tell him what you need from him now. If he hangs up on you, we'll think about different ways. But you have to call him. Let him feel the fear you've carried for two months. Just get him scared like he got scared you.

\- Are you angry at me? - I asked.

\- No. I'm angry at myself that I didn't get this out of you sooner. But most of all I'm really pissed at that asshole, who thinks he can do whatever he wants and that he is above the law. He isn't above the law. No one is – she caught a quick breath.

Chapter 11

Two weeks later I was standing with Martha in the backyard garden.

\- I like the way you work with our children – she smiled at me.

\- I'm glad.

\- There's one thing though I want to you to do differently - she said.

\- What is it? – I asked, curious.

\- When children come to your bedroom in the morning, ask them to leave.

\- Why?

\- They know that you start your work after breakfast and that you need some privacy. Don't let them interfere with your free time.

\- Alright, but I like when Sarah jumps on my bed like on a trampoline or when Paul helps me with make – up.

\- I know - she nodded. - You like it now, but in a while it will annoy you. And then the children will get confused because you didn't set the boundaries from the beginning.

\- A good point - I sighed loudly. - I could've thought of that.

\- You'll know this automatically when you have children.

\- Weren't you afraid of having children? - I asked suddenly.

\- A bit. I was afraid I wouldn't be a good mother. Everyone...

\- Victoria? – Richard interrupted her suddenly - Can you take the children to the swimming pool today? I have to go back to work now.

\- Richard – Martha stared at him, – Victoria can't swim – she reminded.

\- That's alright. It's children pool. Besides, Paul swims like fish so he can always save her – he laughed.

\- No problem – I laughed. – I'll be rescued from drowning by a three - year old.

\- You're both crazy – summed up Martha and came into the house.

I still remember how fun it was to watch Paul swimming around me in the pool.

\- Why are you splashing so hard water around me? - I asked.

\- I'm doing it for you - he said, catching his breath.

\- Thank you - I laughed. - But I don't get why you are around me all the time?

\- Because you're not swimming - he caught another breath.

\- That's because I can't swim - I explained.

\- I know! - he exclaimed, moving away from me for a moment. – You're cold when you're standing. I'm warming the water up for you - he explained, coming closer again.

\- I see - I smiled at him. - Wouldn't you rather swim? You love to swim.

\- But I love you more - he replied.

I still remember how I caught him and gave him a kiss - Where have I found you? - I asked.

\- I know! - he shouted cheerfully. - At Woodland Gardens where we watch swimming swans – he laughed, reminding me of the place of our daily walks.

And then I decided on the phone call I hesitated to make.

Chapter 12

On Saturday I got up at dawn to take a long stroll in the gardens. I can't now remember n why I chose such fairy-tale landscape, but I still remember the image of his name on the phone screen and the sound of his sleepy voice in the receiver.

\- Hello? Hello?

\- Damian? - I asked finally.

\- This is he.

\- It's Victoria.

\- Victoria... Are you calling from England? - he asked uncertainly.

\- Yes.

\- How are things for you there?

\- Okay - I said, taking a quick breath.

\- You see. Are you working?

\- Yes - I said.

\- What are you doing?

\- I'm calling you.

\- It's hard not to notice that! – he laughed more confidently. - I meant, where are you working?

\- I'm working as a nanny. Great job – I explained.

\- If you say so. I'm guessing its poor money .

\- I didn't come here to make millions - I said.

\- Ha, ha – he laughed - I bet you would give a jackpot away.

\- I don't think so.

\- Right. Listen... - he hesitated for a moment, – I don't have much time to talk. You woke me up, and I had a really tough week so...

\- I won't take much of your time. I just don't know how to talk to you.

\- In that case, why are you talking to me? - he laughed out loud.

\- Because I have to - I said.

\- I don't understand. Why do you have to?

\- I have a serious problem that you caused. I wouldn't have called you if not for the fact that I had to.

\- Victoria, I'm not Santa Claus. I helped you in Ireland, but I'm not going to deal with you in England! - he laughed.

\- I'm afraid you have no choice \- I said firmly.

\- Just tell me what's this all about because I don't have time for this game – he sounded irritated.

\- It's not a game.

\- I have no time for you. You're pissing me off!

- I need to know what drugs you gave me and I need to know this now. The medical examination I took after I came here confirmed rape, but I want you to tell me what you gave me and what you've done to me. I need to know what to do next.

\- You can't lie well, Victoria. You haven't seen a doctor. Besides, there was nobody there except you and me. You'll tell them you didn't want to, and I tell them you asked for it. That's it.

\- It's a long way from going to the doctor to reporting a rape. I don't want to go through it. However, if you force me to do this, I will do it. But we can finish it today, now. What do you say?

\- What do you want? - he asked uncertainly.

\- What did you give me?

\- Ampicillin.

\- What else?

\- I don't remember. It was a long time ago. What do you need it for anyway?

\- I need to decide about something. This decision is more important than what you did to me. Unfortunately, the decision depends on what you gave me that night. Try to remember - I said.

\- I knew a guy who had different stuff, so I went to him. He had the antibiotic you asked for and something else. I thought this would put you back on your feet. I knew you wouldn't agree if I told you. I didn't do anything wrong. I don't know what it was.

\- Then you have to find out.

\- Why?

\- Because I'm pregnant.

I still remember the sound of his anxious breath - Are you out of your mind? You want to frame me? Are you sure you're calling the right guy, sweetheart? That wasn't sex for a kid.

\- Seven, seven, zero, seven, one, six, one, five, five, two, eight - I recited.

\- What are these numbers? - he asked, surprised.

\- That was the first part of you identification number. I also have your home address. It took me two days to get them. You didn't know I have family and friends, who are going to help me with this, did you? You also didn't know that in the European Union a crime committed in one country, could be prosecuted in another, did you? You also didn't know that as soon as I report rape, you won't be able to cross any border, did you?

\- I have a fiancé who can't find out about it - he said quietly.

\- I have parents who can't find out about it. You killed me there. I don't know who I am anymore. I don't know what to do. After you drugged me and used like some rug I have to decide if I should abort or have a child! Like being raped wasn't enough, I have to clean this shit up now!

\- Calm down. Victoria, please, calm down. We'll sort this out somehow, just between you and me.

\- How can I calm down? I was calm all my life until I met you! And look what you've made me! Can you sort this out somehow, just between you and me?! – I shouted.

And then I felt the tears, flowing down my cheeks. I don't know how long I cried, but I remember when I stopped.

\- I can't go back in time – he said.

\- What? – I asked.

\- I can't take this back. I don't know what happened to me then. I was alone; at work and at home. You came and I liked you. I stopped thinking that evening. I took the antibiotic from this guy. He offered some amphetamine and other stuff. I took it. I just wanted to relax and have some fun. I stopped controlling myself after it. I gave it to you only twice, but then you started throwing up and I got scared it was too much for you. I didn't give you more. I swear.

\- Ampicillin, amphetamine and other stuff? What was the other stuff? – I asked.

\- I don't know exactly. I think it was some mixture of drugs for sleep and painkillers.

\- You gave me ampicillin, amphetamine, depressants and painkillers at the same time? – I asked.

\- Yes.

\- How much did you give me?

\- I think it was too much for you because you were vomiting a lot – he said quietly.

\- Fuck – I heard myself saying.

\- I'll come to you – he said suddenly.

\- What for? To kill me this time?! I could be dead because of those drugs you gave me! – I shouted to him.

\- Alright. I won't come. I will call you in a couple of days. I want you to calm down before we talk what to do next. I will help you. I swear I will. You won't do anything stupid, right? If what you're saying about the pregnancy is true, I swear I will help you. Just give me a couple of days to think about it. Can you do that for me? Victoria, are you there?

\- I'm here. And you have no right to ask me for anything. I have the right to ask you for everything now, but I'll never do that again. I will never ask anyone for anything.

\- I will call you. I'll call you in a few days, when you calm down. Can you hear me? Are you there?

I still remember how I hang up and slowly walked down the narrow alley of cedars bringing to me the sounds of playing children. I remember reaching the house and passing Martha in the hallway.

\- Victoria? – she asked anxiously, - Are you alright?

\- Why?

\- You're as pale as a sheet – she explained.

\- I have a terrible headache. I think I had too much sun today. I'll take a hot bath - I said to her.

\- You should think of some hat. The summer is exceptionally hot. Do you want a painkiller?

\- No, thanks. I'll be fine.

\- Ok. Just give me a shout if you need anything. You're so pale – she repeated.

I still remember the warmth of the water, the sounds of Sarah and Paul coming from the garden, the pain that pierced my body all the sudden and nothingness that covered me like a thick blanket.

Chapter 13

I woke up at the dusk of hot June. I still remember the view of the fan, and the smell of fresh sheets.

\- Where am I? - I asked.

Anna, sleeping on the chair next to my bed shook her head – Victoria! You've finally woken up – she said in a tired voice.

\- Where am I? - I repeated, confused.

\- In the hospital - she explained, coming closer to me. - I should call the nurse.

\- No - I stopped her, – First, tell me what happened.

\- It was an ectopic pregnancy. You had a terrible haemorrhage as a result of the burst Fallopian tube. If Martha didn't want to check on your headache, you would be dead now.

\- I lost my job as well, right? – I asked.

\- No. Martha said that if you want to go back to them when you recover, they'll have you back. The children adore you.

\- Whose with the children?

\- Martha's parents.

\- You haven't told my parents, have you?

\- No yet.

\- How long am I here?

\- A few days. There were some complications. The doctors will explain it to you.

\- You do it. Now – I said.

\- The doctors had problems with stopping the haemorrhage. There was also an infection. I don't understand all those medical stuff. You can ask them yourself. All I know is you will never be able to have children. They were saving your life, Victoria, and you need to remember about that – she said.

I still remember the anger I felt at those words, and the scream I have not heard before, the desire that surfaced from the depths of this hurt; the desire to take a revenge.

Chapter 14

I left the hospital in the third month of my journey. I remember the view of the children running down the stairs and the smell of paint, filling the hall.

\- Is your Dad painting? – I asked Sarah.

\- No - she said, hanging on my neck. – We're painting a picture for you.

\- Ah - I laughed. - Could I see?

\- No, because it is not finished yet. This is our gift for your birthday - she explained.

\- How did you know I would have a birthday? - I asked, sitting next to her on the stairs.

\- Mom told us - she explained? – Victoria?

\- Yes?

\- Are you well now? - she asked and looked at me closely.

\- Of course I'm well now - I smiled at her.

\- I'm glad. It was scary when Daddy was pulling you out of the bathtub. Mom told us to stay in the garden, but I stood in the doorway and saw everything. There was so much blood.

\- You saw it? - I asked, surprised.

\- Yes. Don't tell Mum. She would be angry I didn't listen to her – she said quietly.

\- I won't say anything. This will be our little secret - I promised. – Sarah?

\- Yes?

\- I want you to know that what happened that day was just a small accident. I cut myself badly. That's why there was so much blood. When you cut your finger, there was blood too. Do you remember that?

\- Yes. It hurt a lot.

\- Exactly. It hurt me a lot because it was a bad cut and I'm bigger than you so it looked so bad. I had to go to the hospital for a while, but like you can see I'm perfectly fine now.

\- Ok. Were you in the same hospital where we took Paul with a broken finger?

\- No, Sarah. It wasn't the same hospital, and it doesn't matter now because I'm back.

She thought about it for a moment, then gave me a big smile – I'm so happy you came back – she kissed my cheek and run to the kitchen.

That's how we talked, Sarah and I the day I returned to the house. The day I wiped off the image of fear that took the shape in her mind the moment I almost died. And for the next two weeks I was alright.

I still remember the children's laughter who played around the garden, the birthday cake on the wooden table, and the smell of blown away candles. I couldn't have known it then I won't live another year.

Chapter 15

The day I planned my revenge I walked, fighting this urge. I can't remember how long it took but I remember when the desire took over the common sense.

\- Hello?

\- Who is this? – I asked, not recognising the voice.

\- Stan. Who's this?

\- Hello. My name is Victoria. I'm looking to talk to Damian – I said.

\- This is his phone, but his not available to talk. He's in a shower – the man explained.

\- I see. Why are you answering his phone, then? – I asked.

\- I could see you were persistent. I thought it could be something urgent – he said calmly.

\- Right. I know you. I mean, I've heard about you from Damian. You are his mother's boyfriend. Am I right?

-That's correct. And who are you exactly?

\- My name is Victoria. I was sharing a bedroom with Damian. I had left for England before you came. I'm guessing you have moved the place by now.

\- Right. He's mentioned something about you. We still rent this bedroom. The landlords decided to extend the lease with us.

\- I see – I swallowed hard.

\- How do you like England? – he asked.

\- I like it alright.

\- What do you do for work?

\- I work as a live - in nanny. Because of that I'm calling Damian – I lied.

\- Oh? Well, he's still in the shower.

\- Maybe you could help me?

\- With what?

\- I'll explain. I was in a hurry when I was leaving for England and I think I lost my driving license in the bedroom. I thought maybe Damian had found it.

\- I don't think so. He would tell me.

\- Well, since you haven't moved from there maybe you could check the bedroom for me. Maybe it fell under the bed. I would be very grateful. I need to drive children to school. It's such a hassle on the foot with the buggy and the rest. Could you check that for me? I will pay you for the trouble.

\- Alright, just wait a second.

\- I don't have enough credit on my phone now. Could I call your number later on?

\- Well, alright.

\- What's your number?

\- Zero, eight, six, seven, two, five, eight, zero, three, zero.

\- Great. Thank you so much. Will you tell Damian I called and asked for the driving licence?

\- I will. Don't worry. If it's here, we'll find it.

\- Thank you again.

That was the way I started my intrigue; cruel, and calculated.

I was sitting on the bench the next day when the sound of the phone disturbed the silence. It scared the deer fleeing to the forest and alarmed the oak leaves that made a strange rustle.

\- I'm listening - I answered.

\- Victoria? - he asked nervously \- It's Damian here.

\- So I can hear - I said coldly.

\- You called yesterday. Stan told me you were asking for a driving licence. We've searched everywhere, but we didn't find it. You must have lost it somewhere else. I would let you know right away if I found it.

\- Are you sure you would let me know right away if you found it? - I asked calmly.

\- Sure.

\- I doubt that. I've noticed you have interesting timing.

\- I don't understand. What do you mean?

\- Some time ago you promised you would call me in a couple of days. A couple of days have passed. I calmed down. Another couple of days have passed and...

\- You told me you didn't want anything from me - he interrupted.

\- Yes, but my situation has changed.

\- How?

\- The children I look after are going to a new school. It's too far to walk with them there. I'll have to drive them. I can't do that because I lost my driving license in the bedroom you are still occupying. If you don't give me back my driving license, I will lose my job. That means I won't have money to support myself and the gift you left me. Then I will have to make a claim for maintenance.

\- Victoria, what you told me was shocking. I needed some time to think about how to handle it.

\- So what have you come up with? \- I asked.

\- If you send me a proof that you are pregnant, I will send you money for the abortion.

\- Oh. That's your plan?

\- Well, yes. I just said it. I'll send you money in exchange for a proof. That will sort out everything.

\- Yes. That would sort out everything for you.

\- What you mean, would? You don't want to keep it, do you?

\- I need some time to think about it.

\- You had enough time! – he shouted.

\- You know what, Damian? You're right. I had enough time, and I decided to keep it. As for a proof you are talking about I will leave it at your mum or your fiancé's in six month time. It's yours; you can take care of it for the rest of your life.

\- Leave my fiancé out of it! – he shouted again.

\- Why would I?

\- I'm not talking to Victoria – he said suddenly, shocked.

\- You are talking to Victoria. The one you've created. I'm pregnant with the uncertain job and with no place to go. You think I'm going to behave like sweet sixteen?

\- What do you want? – he asked, calmer.

\- Information.

\- What kind of information?

I sighed deeply – Let's start from what you have done to me.

\- I don't understand.

\- Yes. We've already agreed to that – I laughed loud. – I want to know what you have done to me after you drugged me. I want you to tell me about it.

\- I don't remember.

\- No! - I shouted suddenly. - I don't remember. For the same reason I can't deal with it. That's why you have to tell me about it, or I swear on this unborn child I will tell your fiancé.

\- I don't want to talk about it with you – he said.

\- What about the police? Do you want to talk about it with them? – I asked.

\- Ok – he said after a moment. – I'll tell you what happened – he added with resignation.

I moved on the bench - I'm listening – I said coldly.

\- I was alone for the first six months here. I was going to parties, but that made me tired after a while. I was looking for a change. Then you came. You were... - he broke off.

\- I was, what? - I asked.

\- You were so naïve and confused about life here. I figured out that Caroline won't help you much and I really wanted to pay off the debt I had to those who helped me. That's why I decided to help you a bit. Another thing is, I really liked you, but I would never mention sex. I figured you wouldn't agree to it. You're not...

\- What?

\- This kind of the girl – he explained.

\- Go on – I sighed.

\- When you told me you were leaving, I don't know what happened to me. I wanted to see how it was with someone else. After all, people cheat on each other to try something new. My fiancé wouldn't find out anyway.

\- Because if she found out, it would be over between you two, right? - I asked.

\- Yes - he confirmed.

\- What have you done to me?

\- You were asleep when I came back. I tried to wake you up, but you were so sick of the fever. I helped you sit down to give you an antibiotic. Your hair smelled so nice. I took some of the stuff I brought from the guy hoping it would calm me down but it didn't. I went for a fag, relaxed and came back. You were sleeping like a baby. After a while I gave you some of my stuff to make you relax. I didn't want to... - he broke off again.

\- What was next? – I asked firmly.

\- We had sex, Victoria! – he shouted – I didn't hurt you.

\- Don't shout at me, Damian. What was next?

\- I just told you! We had sex.

\- You have sex with someone who is conscious, Damian – I said after a moment. – You rape someone who is unconscious and has not given the consent - I explained, ignoring the tears coming.

\- It wasn't rape!

\- No matter what you think, Damian, it was rape. You should check the law – I explained once again, holding back tears.

\- I don't want to – he said.

\- Let's leave it for now - I sighed heavily. - How long did it take? - I asked.

\- That night - he said quietly.

\- What about the next day?

\- As well \- he said even more quietly.

\- For two days? - I asked with a hope that I had heard badly.

\- Yes.

\- Were you giving me drugs during the second day? – I asked.

\- Yes, but I stopped as soon as you started throwing up. I got scared a bit it was too much.

\- That throwing up probably saved my life – I said, grinding teeth.

\- Will you accuse me of rape? – he asked suddenly.

\- I don't know yet from what kind of accusation I'll start with; giving me illegal drugs without my consent, rape, damaged health, infection – I said very coldly.

\- What infection?

\- The one the blood tests detected. Tell me, Damian, what kind of bet you took with your friends that you'll bang me? Was it a beer or a whole pack? – I stood up.

\- Victoria! I didn't take any bets! You misjudged me! I'm not like that!

\- Right. That's why my blood tests have shown a virus.

\- What virus? – he asked, surprised.

\- Hepatitis C. I hope my next test will be negative. I have to repeat it in four - week time. I strongly advise you to do a blood test. Of course, your fiancé has to do one too. You have my e-mail address, let me know what were your results – I hang up.

I still remember Anna's eyes when I turned around - What are you doing? - she asked.

\- And you? Why are you listening to my conversation?

\- I didn't mean to. Martha said you were walking in the gardens - she explained.

\- How long have you been standing there?

\- Long enough to tell you that what you've just done is not ... - she broke off and took a deep breath.

\- Is not proper? - I finished off, sitting on the bench.

\- That is not the right word - she said, sitting down next to me.

\- And what word is right? - I asked.

\- Blackmail – she said and looked at me closely – I know you're suffering, but you can't lie to him about that. It won't bring you relief. If you're looking for justice, look for it the law.

\- There's no law in this world that would do justice here.

\- In that case, leave it in the God's hands – she said.

\- There's no God either.

I remember how she grabbed my hand and hold it tight – It's your sorrow and pain talking. They won't disappear by disrupting his peace. He has done you wrong, but you have to forgive him to forget it. It will be easier for you when you forgive him – she said.

\- Forgive him? – I stood up from the bench. – I can't forgive myself that I trusted him and you're talking about forgiveness towards him? I don't want to forgive!

\- And what is that you want, Victoria? – she asked and tilted her head.

\- I want him to feel the same fear I felt then! I want him to lose everything he cares about like I did! – I shouted.

\- You don't mean that – she shook her head.

\- I mean that. Do you know what I feel when I look at Sarah and Paul? Do you know what I feel when I kiss them and hug them or when I play with them? Do you know what I see? I see myself, old, lonely with no family I should have! And he has a fiancé. They will have children, and he will be hurting her and the children by his lies and betrayal.

\- You don't know this - she got up from the bench. - You know nothing about their relationship.

\- I know everything from talking to him. He cheats on her and lies to her every day - I said quite calmly.

\- It's not your business, and it's not your place to decide if she should find out. Victoria, something bad is happening to you. I want you to go to the psychotherapy. I'm very worried about you. You don't want to do anything except walking. You don't read, and you don't play piano anymore. You don't talk to anybody except the children. It can't continue. Let me help you – she said.

\- I don't need any help. I'm fine.

\- If you think that in destroying his life, you will give you peace, you are wrong. You're torturing yourself this way. You won't change him. He is selfish, and stupid and you were unlucky to meet him. Have you thought that maybe he hurt you because he has been hurt? – she asked.

\- I haven't thought about that. Are you saying that because he might have been hurt, he had the right to hurt me?

\- That is a very good question, Victoria. Are you saying that because you have been hurt, you have a right to hurt others? – she said and got up from the bench.

\- No. I...

\- There's your answer – she said and headed towards the exit gates.

I remember I took a long walk after she left. I also remember having second thoughts about my revenge.

Chapter 16

Four weeks later I was sitting at Richard's desk, reading the message aloud:

"I can't call you. Your number has changed. I hope your blood test results are good. My fiancé broke into my mailbox and found emails to a friend I wrote about you. I had to tell her everything. I lost her. Maybe it was good she found out this way. I would have to tell her someday anyway. She's going to do blood tests for that virus and if she's negative, then your version that I infected you is wrong (that might have pissed you off) but it's not important anyway. I have nowhere to go back to. She asked me to swear I would help you so if you still need my help give me your phone number. I can send you money for whatever you need there. The second option is you can come back here. If you want to come back here decide fast because I have enough of it. I don't care anymore about anything or anybody else. Let me know what you decide. By the way, it was very successful five months, wasn't it? Damian."

And then I heard Richard's voice – Who's Damian?

I logged out of my account quickly – He's a friend - I said, smiling uncertainly. - I'm sorry I used your computer when you were gone, but the kids were asleep, and when you work I don't want to disturb you.

\- You don't disturb me, and you can check your email when you want – he said, sitting down.

\- Thank you - I smiled, getting up.

\- Victoria, do you have time to talk? - he asked.

\- Sure. What is it? - I asked.

\- How are you? – he asked.

\- I'm fine.

\- For whom? – he smiled.

\- I don't understand - I frowned.

\- For whom? - he repeated - For me, when I ask you; for Martha when she asks the same question; for Anna, when you meet her; for your parents when you call them. For all us, you are fine. How are you for yourself?

\- I don't know - I lowered my head.

\- Exactly. You don't know that - he sighed heavily. - I was there, Victoria. Marta was there. We were with you then, and it had a big impact on us too.

\- I'm sorry, Richard. I didn't think about it. If you want me to leave...

\- No. I don't want you to leave. It's obvious you will leave someday but I would like you to remember that you can always visit us. I don't want the children to forget you.

\- Why?

\- Because you are a great girl and you have a lot to offer to others. You know love. You were brought up in it. I can see it. Someone taught you it, and someone showed it to you like you show it to my children every day. What you're getting to know now is hate. You're not ready for it. And if you're not ready for it, it will destroy you. It will kill the beauty you carry inside you. The beauty some man didn't notice or disregarded. Despite that, you should forgive him. As a man I tell you that he will never feel your pain. He doesn't know it and doesn't understand it. He certainly knows suffering. Everyone experiences pain in life, but differently. He's suffering differently. Don't compare the feelings of two different people. He's running away from it because he realized that he had done you wrong. He played you, but he knows now he shouldn't have done that. He was playing you for a week and how long are you going to play him now? – he looked at me intently.

\- I'm finished - I said softly.

\- I hope so - he sighed deeply. – Have I told you about my family? – he changed the subject suddenly.

\- No – I sat down on the couch.

\- I was born in Africa. My mother was a cardiologist, and my father was an outstanding gynaecologist. When I was born, they lived in Africa.

\- You were born in Africa! - I came to life suddenly.

\- Yes. I lived there for the first seven years of my life - he laughed. – It took me a long time to get used to England after my parents had come back here. Anyway, five years later, my father suddenly decided to become a pastor. He divorced my mother, quit his job and began to study theology. He has a parish now on the other side of the island. I see him from time to time when he comes to London for some important symposia. For a long time I thought of him as a man who left his family. Today I know he just looked for his special place where he felt good and safe. Every man looks for a place like that. My father took a step that allowed him to find it. You can't blame a man looking for happiness.

\- You can't - I repeated after him intuitively.

\- If you want, I'll ask him about you. He is a man of great knowledge and great skill. Maybe he could recommend you some good doctor.

\- That's not a good idea - I bit my lips.

\- That's not a good idea because you gave up on yourself. You let one event decide on your future life. What do you feel when you look at my children? - he asked.

\- Joy - I said.

\- You see. Joy is still in you. There's a bright life ahead of you no matter what you think now. That darkness will pass. Think about what I told you about my Dad. I can always call him for you.

\- Thank you, Richard. I really appreciate that, but I don't want to think about it just yet.

\- Alright, when you feel ready – he smiled.

After had I left, I thought about what he said. I struggled in my mind long and hard, but I didn't win this fight.

I still remember what I wrote in reply to the email I've got, typing fast as I spoke the words that cut the screen like a sword:

"Damian. I have no idea what is your problem with my phone number because everyone else can call me easily. What you wrote is another proof you are a terrible liar. I don't believe your fiancé read your emails. I don't believe you told her about what you have done to me, either.

As for my blood test results, they are not good. Take my advice and do blood tests yourself.

As for your rather strange offer of help, no thanks, I don't want to come back to the place where it all has started. Besides, how can you help me since you claim you don't care anymore? How could I accept the help of a man who doesn't care about anybody? It turns out I care a lot about a few things. One of them is my health. You, of course, won't understand that because you don't care. I don't wish you to ever experience the hell you put me into. I don't wish it to anybody. Your email helped me decide. I will go to court with you. I will do that in four months. I'm too busy with other things now. I'm going for a holiday in less than two months and I will have to talk to my parents who unlike your fiancé don't break into my account. I have no idea how they might react, but if they don't agree to my stay with them, I will take a lawsuit with you about the rape and maintenance. A lawsuit about physical and mental damages will follow unless your words of "I don't care anymore" will change into "I care a lot." It's up to you. I give you the choice you never gave me. Think it over.

Apart from that, there is another serious issue that you need to contact me. I need to give in the hospital your blood group type, in case of the serological conflict. It's very important. You don't have to call me. Just send it by email. Taking under consideration your timing I'll give you a month to get that. Bear in mind that most people would come back to me with it after a week.

If you don't send it to me within that time ,I will go to meet your Mum. Who knows, maybe I'll visit your fiancé too?

P.S. As for the last five months, I'm sure they were very successful for you. They were a nightmare to me, but I won't bore you with the details. You don't care anyway."

I still remember how I got up off the chair, feeling certain it was the end. Feeling calm and free of guilt, not aware how later I would feel. But when the answer didn't come, internal fire has lightened up.

Chapter 17

In the warm autumn evening, I walked as always. Led by the path of confusion, I wandered into the telephone booth.

I still remember how I dialled the number and how strange I felt when he said - Hello?

\- Good evening.

\- Good evening. Who am I talking with?

\- With Victoria - I introduced myself.

\- Ah, yes, - he searched for a moment in the memory – Your number is strange.

\- I'm calling from a phone card \- I explained. - I'd like to talk to you.

\- I thought Damian told you we haven't found your driving licence - he said surprised.

\- He told me – I confirmed.

\- Then why are you calling?

\- I'd like to talk to you about Damian - I explained quickly.

\- I even don't know you. I don't know who you are. Why should I talk to you about him?

\- Because you are the only person from his Family, I have contact with. Damian hasn't replied to my email. I asked him for a very important thing he ignored. I thought that since you are his mom's boyfriend, you might be able to help me. Stan, please - I said in a weeping tone.

\- I don't understand anything - he sighed heavily, - I hear you're upset, but I don't know what's going on.

\- I don't know how to say it – I explained.

\- Just say it like it is and whatever it is.

\- You see, I'm pregnant - I said.

\- Congratulations would be in order here, but somehow I can't hear the happiness in your voice.

\- Damian...

\- Where are you now? - he asked, interrupting me.

\- I'm in London. I am aware of his fiancé, and I understand the situation, but he was to give me his blood group type. I have been waiting for his email for a month. He doesn't answer his phone. I have no way to contact him. After all, it's about the health of the baby. I have so much on my head now. I can't even go back to my parents. They don't know about it, but when they find out they won't let me stay at home. They'll be ashamed. You don't know my parents.

\- I don't know them, but as a parent myself I can tell you I wouldn't throw a child out in such a situation. I have to tell you that I don't live with Damian anymore. We went separate ways some time ago. Damian has changed. He has become very withdrawn. Now, I know why. You are two adult people and adult people sort out matters like that between them two. I don't know what you expect of me, but it's really not my business what happened between you two.

\- You don't understand – I heard myself cry. – It wasn't what you think. I was very ill then, and Damian offered to get me an antibiotic. He gave me drugs and raped me. Could you tell him that if he doesn't give me his blood group type I will accuse him of rape and health damages?

I still remember the silence I heard, and the voice in the other end breaking it - I don't know what to say to you, Victoria. I will tell him what you said, but I have no influence on him. If what you said is true I'm sorry for you, but please don't call me anymore. I'll tell him what you just said – he said and I heard the sound of his deep sigh.

That was my conversation with a man I never wanted to hear again.

A day later I was sitting in Richard's office and whispered the words he put in the email:

"Dear Victoria. Stan told me about your call yesterday. I think you have a mental illness. You fucked up my relationship! You poisoned me mentally! You fucked me up completely! For what reason, I ask?! Because I helped you and looked after you?! You're fucking schizophrenic! Fuck! Stay the fuck away from me because I have enough! I even didn't fuck you properly, and you're talking about pregnancy? Are you out of your fucking mind?! Ask yourself what you hide from everyone, and who else did you fuck, although mental illness is more certain in your case! Fuck! Lock up bitches like you! I don't know what you've gone through in life that you're so fucked up, but I have enough of it! Fuck! Enough of it! Stay away from me because if I meet you again, I swear I won't hesitate...

P.S. STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM MY FRIENDS!"

And then I felt my plan has failed. He didn't get what he was to get. And then I thought an awful thought. The thought I shared with an old friend.

Chapter 18

I still remember her, sitting on a garden chair and her clenched teeth chewing lower lip.

\- Calm down - I said. - I don't want my parents to know.

\- Why didn't you tell me this before? - she asked.

\- I didn't want you to feel bad.

\- Oh my God! Victoria! I sent you there!

\- Kate, calm down. You've done nothing wrong. We can't take it back, but I need your help now - I said and looked at her expectantly.

\- I understand why you want to find his fiancé, but you know it's almost impossible to do in such a big city. You even don't know her name.

\- That's why I have to meet with his mother first. Maybe she will tell me where his fiancé lives.

\- Victoria - she interrupted me, \- How do you want to convince her to give you her name or address? You are a stranger. Even if you told her what he's done to you, she wouldn't help you. She will defend him. Mother always protects her child.

\- Always? – I asked.

\- That's what I think. You don't know this woman. You don't know how she can react. Besides, there's one more thing you didn't think about – she said and looked at me.

\- What? - I asked.

\- According to the calendar, you are seven months pregnant - she looked at my stomach.

\- I'll have to tell the truth - I shrugged.

\- Really? What will you do if Damian opens the door? – she asked. – You don't know where he is now. If he's back home and sees you are not pregnant, he will kill you. He raped you and still thinks he helped you. You think he will hesitate to kill you?

\- No - I bit my lips.

\- You see. Regardless of whether he believes you or not you would have to be pregnant.

\- You're right - I nodded.

\- Victoria, I'll help you whatever you decide. But I think you should report it and leave it in the hands of the court.

\- No court can return me the health and the future I could have and no judge can help me to forget - I sighed.

\- That's why you want to punish him in a different way. I'm not sure, though, if telling his fiancé is any kind of punishment to him. Assuming you find her and tell her everything, do you think she'll believe you? Would you believe a stranger claiming your fiancé raped somebody? - she asked.

\- I don't know - I said.

\- Exactly. I'm not sure if I believed either without evidence. On the other hand I would like to know if my fiancé raped someone. But going to his house is very risky. If he is so bad, who are the people in his family? Who brought him up this way?

\- That's what I want to check – I explained.

\- Do you really want to go there? - she asked and sighed heavily.

\- Yes. Can I tell my parents that I'm going away with you for a few days?

\- You can because you go away with me for a few days. I won't let you go there on your own.

\- That's out of the question – I protested.

\- Victoria! – she said firmly, – I'm going with you because you need someone who can read a bloody map – she laughed for the first time.

\- I knew you were going to pick up on that - I laughed.

\- Alright – she said seriously. – Now, we have to create seven month baby bump. What a pity you don't have much belly fat.

I still remember our long journey, the smell of the train station mixed with the warm breeze of autumn wind and Kate's delight of the new city – It's beautiful here! – she said, passing the town hall. – What a pity I came here only to watch a pregnant woman – she laughed.

\- Kate, I promise we'll do sightseeing after I finish what I came here for – I said irritated.

\- Victoria, I'm sorry I laughed \- she said quickly. - I don't get so nervous when I laugh - she explained.

\- I know - I said, checking the map.

\- You don't have to go there – she stopped me suddenly. - We can simply go back home.

\- No. We cannot. I spent five hours on the train. I could go to London and back at that time. I'm not coming back until I finish it. Only the thought that I'll talk to his fiancé kept me alive for the last few months.

\- Have you thought what you'll do after you meet her? - she asked.

\- I'll go back to London - I said.

\- I know, but I was asking about something else - she approached me. - You have a whole life ahead of you. You can't care for someone's children forever.

\- I can, because I'll never have my own - I said.

\- Victoria - she sighed heavily. \- You even don't want to go to the doctor. There are therapies. Besides, you can always adopt a child. You'll meet someone and start to see the world differently. Time heals wounds.

\- Not like that - I said, moving forward. - Let's go, because I'm really uncomfortable being pregnant now – I hurried her up.

I still remember the name of the street, the view of his apartment house and the sound of bells coming from the nearby church.

\- Don't go there! – Kate said again, staring at me with fear.

\- I have to - I said, standing in front of the entrance.

\- Victoria! - she grabbed my arm. – Remember, you can't say you're pregnant. Whoever is there, they have to figure it out by looking at you. This is not a phone call or an email. Whatever you say could be used at court.

\- Since when do you know those things? – I asked.

\- Since you decided to go there. If you don't come back within ten minutes, I'll call you. If you don't answer, I call the police.

\- Ok – I said and went upstairs.

I still remember the number of stairs going up and the sound of the doorbell my hand pressed.

\- Yes? - he asked surprised.

\- Good morning. Is Damian at home?

\- Damian is abroad – he frowned.

\- You mean, he's in Ireland – I sighed.

\- Yes - he nodded.

\- Could I talk to his Mum? – I asked.

\- She's not home. Who are you? - he looked at me closely.

\- I'm one of Damian's friends, from Dublin. My name is Victoria - I introduced myself.

\- Thomas - he shook my hand. - I'm Damian's brother. I'm sorry, but you didn't find people you're looking for.

\- You know, I drove half of the country to get here - I sighed. - I don't want to disturb you, but could we talk for a moment?

\- About what?

\- It's really complicated - I smiled.

\- Come on in - he opened the door wider, staring at my stomach.

I remember the sight of the dark hallway and the light of the living room.

\- Nice photos - I pointed at the walls.

\- Damian has taken them - he explained. - Would you like to sit down? - he asked, showing the couch.

\- No. I'll stand. I was sitting on the train.

\- I understand. Where did you meet Damian? – he asked, staring at my belly again.

\- In Dublin.

\- How did you meet?

\- We lived in the same bedroom before Stan arrived. Later I left for London, where I live now.

\- So what are you doing in the country?

\- I came back in holiday – I explained.

\- I see. Listen - he sighed deeply, suspending his eyes on my stomach again. – I don't know what is this all about but Damian is not here. You should look for him in Dublin.

\- I'm not really looking for him. I really need to talk to his fiancé. I kind of hope you could give me her phone number or address. It's really urgent – I looked at him pleasantly.

\- I don't know what happened between you and Damian but he is my brother and I can't give you anything without his prior consent. I don't know what it is about, but I think you should talk to him first.

\- It's not what you think - I sighed heavily, sitting on the couch next to him. - This is a long story and I really don't want to go into details.

\- You better spare me the details – he smirked.

\- I'm tired – I said, turning to him. – I was on the train all night so I'll explain it to you fast. I came to Dublin to look for a job. After a week I decided to go to London. I was stupid enough to tell Damian about it. I also got sick and Damian abused me. He drugged me and abused me. I don't accuse him of anything. I don't want to destroy his life, but he left me a few surprises. He's changed the phone number and doesn't reply to my emails. I asked Stan to talk to him, but it didn't help either. He infected me with the virus what means he could infect his fiancé. That's what I wanted to talk about with her - I said and looked at him carefully.

\- Damian is my brother. If what you've said now is true ... - he broke off. - He's my brother - he added, taking a restless breath.

\- I understand - I sighed, getting up. - Can you pass him a message from me?

\- What message?

\- Tell him I want to forget about it too. I just don't know what to do next. I don't know what to do with myself. I don't want money from him. I only need his blood group type. If he gives me this, I'll never contact him again. If not, we'll meet in court. I don' want to go through this, but I will if he makes me.

\- I'll tell him - he said softly.

\- Thank you, and I'm sorry that you found out this way...

\- Something else? - he looked at me carefully.

\- Nothing.

I remember Kate, sitting on the bench and the hair colour of the dog that came to my leg.

\- I shouldn't say this because it's none of my business – said the dog's owner to Kate – but the smoke can kill her baby – he pointed at the cigarette in her hand.

\- A good point - she said seriously, extinguishing the cigarette.

And then I realized what I have just done. How innocent man I lied and how much harm I've caused by that. - I have to go back there and tell the truth - I almost whispered.

\- Victoria! No! – she grabbed my hand. – Leave it! He's not Damian, but you don't know how he can react. Maybe he's talking to him right now; maybe he's asking him if this all is true. You can't go back there. It's happened. Leave it and forget it. It was a mistake, but you can't make it right now.

I remember that I threw up the lie I lied, the smoke of her cigarette and the view of the nearby church.

Chapter 19

On a cold October morning, I heard the children laugh.

\- Victoria! Victoria! - Sarah screamed happily, running down the stairs. - I missed you - she hugged me.

\- How much? - I asked.

\- That much – she said and spread her arms. – From one hand to the other.

\- That's good – I laughed. – What about you, Paul? You missed me too?

He gave a mischievous smile – I missed you more. Look, that much more – he said and made a circle in the air with his hand.

\- You're both cheeky monkeys – I said.

\- Do you know what we saw in Paris? - Sarah asked.

\- I have no idea, but I'm sure you're going to tell - I smiled at her.

\- Maybe a little later, because now they're going to bed – Martha laughed.

\- But Mum, I want to talk to Victoria – Sarah said, disappointed.

\- Sarah, your mum is right – I said. – We're all tired now. Come on, I'll put you to sleep and you can tell me all about your holiday tomorrow.

\- Well, alright – she smiled.

I still remember how tired of a long journey I went to bed. I remember the bad dream I had and waking up in the middle of the night, the hurting glare of the computer's screen when I was trying to make out the emails he sent one by one:

"Victoria, I can see you met with my brother and that you really want to find me. No one knows where I am now. I had to disappear for a while, but I'll be back in Ireland in November. I don't expect you to understand that I needed some time alone to think things over. I really don't know what is true, what is lie and what is game anymore. Send me on this email address baby scan or any other document from your doctor, confirming that you are pregnant. You'll come to Ireland in November, and we go to the doctor together. If what you are saying now is true, everything will be alright, but if you lie to me then..."

"Victoria, send me something that will prove that you are really pregnant. This is very important to me. On the other hand, I hope you don't have the slightest doubt that I am the father. I don't want to hurt you, but I can't be sure I am. Send me your bank account number so I can transfer money on it for your plane ticket to Ireland. Don't look for me with the help of other people. I'll stay in touch this time. As soon as I get some proof that you're pregnant, I'll call you. You can send your photo with the baby bump."

"Victoria, disregard earlier emails I sent you. Of course, I would like to get some proof that you are pregnant, but only because I don't want to wonder if this is a game we are playing now. If you are pregnant, you won't have a problem with sending me a proof. I know you think of me as a bastard, but things have just gone this way. I can't take them back. I apologize for everything. I can't live like that any longer, I can't think about this all twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. I thought that changing surroundings would help me run away from you. I can see now it's impossible. If you think that coming to Ireland is a good idea, send me your bank account number to which I'll transfer money for your flight. Reply to me with something. Send me some proof confirming you are not lying to me. If you're not pregnant, just say that. If you need money for treatment, I will help you. I swear this time I will help you. Reply to me, please. Don't leave me in such uncertainty. I swear I will help you. Damian."

And then I typed this email as a reply:

"Damian. I read your messages. As to your promises, I don't believe them. Even you don't believe them. As to the proof you're demanding from me, you can forget it. I don't have to proof anything.

I had been asking you for three months for important information that would cost you nothing. I even had to meet your family about that. And guess what? I still don't have it. Do you really think I would believe in your words?

As for your apologies, it's a few months too late for that.

Don't call me or write to me anymore.

We will meet again but in the courtroom. This is something you can now think of twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. Multiply them by fifteen years, because this is how long I have to make a claim against you. I don't want to have anything to do with you until I make the claim. Now I'm busy with my health and the health of the baby that I decided to keep. I will make sure you take care of its financial future. Victoria."

I still remember how quickly I hit send and how fast I returned to my bed. Falling asleep, I gave no thought to any remorse. The image of intrigue from memory I erased the minute I felt the warmth of the bed. I couldn't know it then that it wasn't the end just yet.

Chapter 20

On the sunny morning of early March, I walked with the children in the park.

I still remember the ring of the phone that pierced my handbag, lying on the bench.

\- Hello? – I answered, fixing a cap on Sarah's head.

\- Victoria?

\- This is she - I said, not recognising the voice.

\- It's Stan here.

\- Good morning - I said, surprised.

\- Good morning. Can you talk? - he asked.

\- I can talk, but I don't think it is a good idea. You said yourself that you didn't want to talk to me again.

\- I remember - he sighed. - How is the baby? - he asked suddenly.

\- It's good - I sat down on the bench quickly.

\- Boy or girl? - he asked.

\- A boy - I said, watching Paul riding on a scooter.

\- How did you call him?

\- Why are you calling me? - I asked, irritated. – Damian is not interested in his son. He didn't care about his fate before he was born and I don't think it has changed now. I'll meet with Damian again, but I'll make sure my child never meets him. You could be sure of that.

\- You want to accuse him? - He asked.

\- Of course.

\- Before you do, you should know something. I thought maybe if I tell you this, you both will start behave like adults. Damian doesn't know I'm calling you, and I hope you won't tell him about that.

\- What should I know? - I asked.

\- Damian has changed a lot...

\- Please, spare me! – I interrupted. – Damian has no respect for anybody and anything. He lives only to satisfy his needs at others cost, without guilt or remorse.

\- That's true. That's how he was – he said genuinely. – Things have changed, Victoria. Damian had a serious accident four months ago. He fell off the scaffolding. After the treatment in Ireland, he was transported to a hospital in the home town. He broke down after your meeting with Thomas. He really wanted to help you, but you didn't want his help anymore. He got scared his mother would find out about everything. It took a moment of his inattention and... - he broke off.

\- Is this a game? - I asked, standing up from the bench.

\- No, Victoria, this is not a game. I live too long to play with human life. I'm calling to ask you to postpone your claim. Damian is still in hospital, paralysed, with no hope for getting better any time soon. His fiancé has left him. I don't know the reason for that, but I know that his mother is the only person he can count on now. I'm calling you because I deeply care about her. If what you told me was true, then I'm very sorry for you. I understand he has done you wrong and that nothing justifies his action towards you, but you survived. You are strong. You survived that and you have a child. Maybe it all was so you could become a mother. I know the circumstances were far from perfect, but...

\- Stop it! – I shouted. – Stop it! You know I can check this out, right? I can go to his home town and check all hospitals.

\- I'll give you the name and the address of the hospital he is in now. Check it and then think about it. I'm not doing it for Damian. He is who he is, but his mother is very dear to me. I don't want more worries for her now. She had very hard life – he underlined the last words.

\- And I, did I have an easy life? – I asked.

\- No, far from that. That is the reason I'm asking you to postpone the claim, at least until he is less dependent on his mother. You had a hard life, so you understand what kind of nightmare it is to her. She is heartbroken. Nothing comforts her. If you make a claim against Damian now it will kill her. I can't lose her because of his stupidity.

I still remember the rain that hit me in the face, the cold breeze that caused the chills, the taste of tears flowing down my cheeks and the view of the tree, standing next to me. The giant tree with no leaves, the naked tree with smudges and disease. And then I realised what I have done. That was the moment I finally felt the history will judge mine, not his rape.

And when I felt this awful truth, I saw failed mission I undertook. Stripped of confusing thoughts, emptied of hate, I understood the misguided steps. The steps I took to find the truth hidden from me that I couldn't make him feel like me.

And so I stood next to the tree watching the children smiling at me, not knowing it then that I will never see them again.

Chapter 21

I arrived home on April's day. I still remember the hospital smell and the white pillow, lying on the floor.

\- Here you go – I said to her, picking it up.

\- Thank you – she said and looked at me sincerely.

\- You're welcome. How is he? – I asked.

She looked at me surprised – Who are you?

\- I'm one of Damian's friends. I've learnt he was in the hospital and thought I would pay him a visit – I said, smiling to her.

\- I don't remember you – she said, frowning.

\- That's because we haven't met before. My name is Victoria. Are you Damian's mum?

\- Yes. I'm with him most of the time. He sleeps a lot like you can see.

\- Is he on medication? – I asked.

\- Most of the time. They give him painkillers and something to sleep too. He can't sleep because of the pain. He will need another surgery, but I don't know when exactly. There were some complications with the first one and they want him to get better first. It's a nightmare. I can't stand it. I'm so helpless.

\- He'll get better – I said to her.

\- I wish I could believe in that – she said with resignation.

\- He'll get better - I repeated, coming closer to her. - You just have to tell him I was here. Tell him that we'll never meet again, and that I have no evidence. Please tell him I didn't need the information I asked him for.

\- What does it mean? – she asked, confused.

\- Damian will know what it means – I said. – Please tell him that I'm very sorry.

\- Sorry for what? I don't understand – she said and frowned.

\- I know, but that's not the best time to explain. If you tell him what I just said he's going to feel better. You'll see. Will you pass my words to him?

\- Alright – she agreed and looked at me closely. - You can tell him yourself when he wakes up.

\- I can't wait. I'm sorry.

\- That's alright. Will you come to visit him again?

\- I can't. I'm sorry.

\- That's alright. Thank you for coming this time. He doesn't have too many visitors.

I still remember the dark circles under her eyes and her warm smile, the pain on her face the moment I left and the tears I cried for the wrong I have done.

I remember Kate too, sitting in the garden chair saying slowly the words that couldn't comfort me – It was not your fault, Victoria. That accident could have happened regardless of your email. You didn't throw him off the scaffolding.

\- I saw him. He'll never walk again. He'll be confined to the wheelchair. His mother will be confined to it with him. If you could see the pain on her face, you would understand.

\- He hurt you the same way - she said.

\- Not the same – I said and I looked at my mother, standing in the window.

\- I can't see the difference here - she sighed heavily.

\- It took me a long time to notice the difference. Do you know the difference between the power of love and hate? - I asked.

\- No. I don't know hate - she explained.

\- I've experienced both, and their power is the same. The difference is that love builds and hate destroys. My hatred destroyed Damian's life. His destroyed life destroyed his mother's life. He's in a bad shape right now, but he won't stay like that forever. When he gets better, he'll start hating me. Until now, he has been only afraid. Then, in Ireland, he was afraid. He was also afraid when I was in London. Now when I destroyed everything he had, he will find an escape from suffering and doubt in hating me. He will destroy my family - I said and looked at her closely.

\- Maybe he'll decide to choose love instead – she said hopefully.

\- No – I said. – Hatred is easier. He'll choose that.

\- Then you have to prepare for it. You can't live in fear of his feelings.

\- I'm not afraid of his feelings only mine. I'm afraid of hatred, which enslaved and fed me all those months.

\- Then you have to do something about it – she said.

\- I'm going to - I said to her.

She looked at the cherry tree – Have you noticed that Victoria's almost died? It's so strange. It started to lose leaves as soon as you left for Ireland. I think your Grandpa was right; you are inseparable. It couldn't live without you. But now when you are back, the tree will come back to life – she said and gave me a big smile.

Chapter 22

On the sunny morning of early August, my mother went to the garden.

\- I'm sorry Victoria, but I have to do it – she said to the dead tree and took a spade. She dug and cried for a while, and then she took a break and wiped out the sweat – I need a bigger spade – she told the tree and turned around.

\- Cristina? What are you doing – asked her my father. – What are you doing with the tree?

\- I'm getting rid of it – she explained and passed him.

He grabbed her hand – I'm not going to let you do that – he said firmly.

\- David. Victoria is dead – she said softly to him.

\- That's why I want you to leave me the tree – he said in a trembling voice.

\- The tree has died too.

\- Not true. It will get better.

\- It won't get better, David – she said.

\- How can you know that? How can you give up on it like that? – he asked angrily.

\- I can see it and you can see it too. You're just afraid to admit it. Victoria took the tree with her.

\- That's not true. Leave the tree out of it. Victoria took her own life. She committed a mindless and selfish act that left us like that! Has she thought about us? No, she hasn't!

\- Have you thought about her reasons, David? Have you though she was just looking for a way out of something she hasn't told us about? She suffered a lot in the last year and got to experience terrible things.

\- What are you talking about? She's come back perfectly fine – he said and frowned.

\- No, she hasn't. I've been looking at the sick tree, and I haven't realized it was Victoria's illness too. There, read it – she said and took out of her pocket a notebook.

He looked carefully at the letters written by my hand – Is this her diary? – he asked.

\- Yes. I found it two weeks ago. Read it and you'll understand why she committed a suicide.

\- Why didn't you tell me before? – he asked.

\- I needed to understand it myself first – she explained. - Now, I want you to read it and when you finish help me out with the tree.

He took the diary, sat on the bench and read it all day. He flipped the pages with dark and tense face. His fingers touched the words I felt in life the most. And when he finished, he took the spade and helped my mother with the tree.

\- This is our fault too – my mother said after a while.

\- How? – he asked.

\- We loved and cared for her like parents do, but we haven't taught her about bad things that might happen to anyone. We haven't prepared her for the world's ugliness. When she faced the worst, she had no idea how to deal with the pain caused by it. She got lost in hatred to the point she rejected everyone that tried to help her. I wish she had told us, but she has chosen differently. We have to respect that and come to terms with that. We have to forgive her for leaving us like that.

\- I need to think about it for a while – he said and sat on the bench.

\- I know. Take your time – she said and sat next to him. – I'm writing again – she added after a moment.

\- That's good. What kind of the book?

She gave him a long look – I'm writing about Victoria –she said.

He sighed – Victoria's story? – he asked, surprised.

\- That's right. I'm writing a book about Victoria and Damian.

\- Why?

\- Because someone should – she said and got up from the bench.

And so she gave the world a book to show the nature of us two; the girl and the boy who met just once to make a chain of overturned lives; the grief and the sorrow of youthful dreams destroyed by the pain of evil deeds. The deeds described by the keyboard keys to warn the others of needles bills. The bills that come with every deal of violence of someone's will. That was her way to find her peace after she had lost the image of me taken away one summer day the way I thought would be the best.

Chapter 23

My father packed the next day, at the dawn to take the train to get to his home.

\- Good afternoon – he said to a woman at the door – Is Damian at home?

\- He is, but this is not a good moment for a visit – she said.

\- I won't take much of his time. I'm Victoria's father – he explained.

\- Victoria? – she frowned, – I don't know any Victoria. Although... – she broke off, searching in the memory – A few months ago, he had a visit from a girl who asked me to pass a message for him. I think Victoria was her name.

\- Did you pass him the message?

\- No. Unfortunately I forgot what she said.

\- May I come in? I'll explain what the girl meant.

She hesitated for a second – I don't know. Damian doesn't like when he's disturbed. He gets really annoyed by that.

\- Ma'am, I've come from far. What I have to say to him is very important – explained my Dad.

\- Alright – she opened the door wide.

\- Who are you? – asked Damian, looking at him with surprise.

\- I'm Victoria's father – introduced himself Dad.

\- If you come to kill me, it's too late. I'm dead already – he said and showed the wheelchair, next to the couch.

\- That's not what I came here for? - said Dad, calmly.

\- So what did you come here for? - he asked and stared at Dad.

\- I wanted to leave you Victoria's diary. You should read it – explained Dad.

\- I don't want to see her ever again, and you want me to read her diary? What for?

\- You won't see her again because she's dead and the diary will be helpful to you. You should read it. Read it until you'll understand how many innocent lives you've changed. When you finish with it, I want you to forgive yourself and then her. I want you to do this exactly in that order I've just said – explained Dad and put down the dairy on the coffee table.

\- When did she die? – Damian asked with wide-opened eyes.

\- Last month – said Dad.

\- How did she die?

\- She committed a suicide – explained Dad.

\- I didn't think she was so weak – he said softly.

\- Victoria wasn't weak, you were.

\- What's in this diary? - he asked, looking down at the coffee table.

\- You'll know when you read it – said Dad and left.

And then he took a train back home to plant a young tree in Victoria's old spot; the small tree that one day will overgrow the pain of his loss and the darkness of my earthly days.

THE END

