Can you believe it’s been nearly thirty
years since the first Mortal Kombat was unleashed
upon the world, allowing gamers to relish
in a little bit of the old ultra-violence,
and upsetting one or two God-fearing parents
in the process?
Since its somewhat pixelated debut back in
1992, the Mortal Kombat series has delighted
players with parades of interesting and, oftentimes,
downright terrifying original characters.But
we’re not here to talk about them today,
no, no.
We’re here to take a look at some of the
excellent guest characters that have featured
over the years, or more accurately, the ones
that haven’t, but definitely should.
We’ve already seen the likes of Freddy,
Jason, and Leatherface get in on the blood-spewing
action, and so for this list, we’re taking
a look at the folks that we think deserve
the opportunity to face-off against the likes
of Scorpion and Sub Zero, and who we think
would prove to be darned entertaining in the
process.
Those with a sensitive disposition might want
to look away now.
It’s worth noting that some of the entries
on this list have featured previously in video
games, but their origins are in other media.
If you like videos like this one, you should
check out our other video, 10 Non-Video Game
Characters We Want in Super Smash Bros: Ultimate,
though admittedly that one’s got a lot less
blood and gore.
I’m Ben from TripleJump, and here are 10
Non-Video Game Characters We Want in The Next
Mortal Kombat.
10.
Tallahassee (Zombieland)
Straight-talking redneck with a heart of gold
and long-time Bill Murray fanboy, Tallahassee,
can usually be found in the United States
of Zombieland taking out the undead one shotgun
blast at a time, or searching the dystopian
landscape for his beloved Twinkies.
We know that Tallahassee believes in blowing
off some steam once in a while, and where
better to do that than the stages of Mortal
Kombat?
No stranger to a firearm or two, and more
than proficient in melee combat, we reckon
that Tallahassee would have an absolute blast
beating the proverbial crap out of a bunch
of highly squishy adversaries.
You just know he’d be keeping count of every
visceral murder, all the while noting down
ideas to try for “Zombie Kill of the Week”.
Personally, I’m not sure just how many different
ways you can off someone with a baseball bat,
but I’m certain that Tallahassee does.
Somebody fetch that man a Twinkie.
9.
Indiana Jones
When he’s not busy hanging out in the Temple
of Doom or recovering the Holy Grail, Doctor
Henry Walton Jones Jr. loves nothing more
than dishing out a good bum kicking to a menagerie
of deserving goons.
Armed with a pistol and a whip, Indy can hold
his own against a variety of different enemies,
and can pull off everything from simple, fuss-free
takedowns to outlandish and ostentatious kills.
We reckon he could have a lot of fun using
his whip Scorpion-style to grab hold of enemies,
before unleashing upon them a hail of bullets
or a swift kick to the gonads.
Not to mention the possibilities of being
able to fling his hat around, Oddjob-style.
And yes, we know Kung Lao has a hat thing
as well, but let’s face it, Indy’s just
so much cooler.
We also know that Henry J. has experience
with the supernatural, and what we wouldn’t
give to see him calling upon the Ark of the
Covenant to melt a face or two, or forcing
some unsuspecting opponent into drinking from
the not-Holy Grail (raise your hand if that
scene haunted your nightmares as a kid).
Paging Doctor Jones to the ER, patient with
melted face waiting…
8.
Lord Voldemort
Unlike many other entries on this list, ol’
Voldy isn’t much famed for his hand-to-hand
combat skills, but don’t let that put you
off.
What Wizard-Hitler lacks in nose, he more
than makes up for in his skill with a wand
and a certain flair for cruelty and malice.
Who says that Mortal Kombat needs to be purely
melee based, especially when you could play
as the worst wizard of all time?
There’s no reason why Tom Riddle couldn’t
still take a kicking from Johnny Cage, but
imagine the fun you could have flippendo-ing
your opponents across the stage, casting protego
to block incoming attacks, and tearing your
adversaries apart with a well-timed sectumsempra.
As for fatalities, while the Harry Potter
films kept the effects of its Unforgivable
Curses fairly PG-13, there’s no reason for
MK to stick with this.
What if, in actuality, crucio broke your bones
from the inside, severed your limbs, or tore
out your ribs one by one?
And what if the killing curse didn’t just
quickly and painlessly turn out the lights,
but instead turned your insides very promptly
into outsides?
There are so many possibilities to play with,
and I personally think Volders would approve
of every last grizzly one.
7.
The Bride (AKA Beatrix Kiddo)
Here we have an example of a lady with a lot
of pent up aggression, though definitely not
without good reason.
Shot in the head and left to die by her ex-lover/employer
AT HER OWN WEDDING, Beatrix Kiddo has just
one goal in life.
Kill.
Bill.
And *spoiler alert* she’s already done that,
so we at TripleJump think she deserves the
opportunity to use her unique set of skills
against a bunch of very killable foes who
will definitely appreciate them.
The woman can punch through a coffin lid at
a distance of three inches, so just imagine
what she could do to Shao Khan’s face given
a few extra feet to play with.
Not to mention the fact that she’s one of
the few people who knows how to perform the
Five Point Palm Exploding Heart Technique.
That’s right.
With a series of blows to precise pressure
points on her opponent’s body, Beatrix can
literally cause the heart to explode without
spilling a drop of blood.
Though we see no reason why she couldn’t
if she wanted to.
Throw into the mix a katana so sharp you could
chop up, well, Kitana, and you’ve got a
recipe for extremely bloody, visceral success.
You go girl.
6.
Wolf From Gladiators
If you were alive in the 90s, you’ll remember
Gladiators as the pinnacle of Saturday night
telly, and if you weren’t alive in the 90s,
massive condolences because you missed out
on a right gem.
Hosted by Ulrika Johnson and John Fashanu,
the gameshow pit contestants against so called
Gladiators in a number of physical events,
such as Atlaspheres, Hang Tough, and my personal
favourite, Duel, which involved the contestant
and the Gladiator smacking each other with
giant cotton buds (um, actually it’s called
a “pugil stick”).
Probably the most memorable Gladiator of them
all though, was serial misbehaver and notorious
sore loser, Wolf.
Remembered as much for his bad attitude as
his athletic prowess, his antics delighted
viewers week after week, which is why we reckon
he’d fit right in with the Mortal Kombat
crowd.
We’ve witnessed him knocking down contestants,
pushing them around, and getting aggro to
his heart’s content, but take away all that
safety gear and we reckon our Wolf could have
a helluva time knocking nine bells out of
the likes of Quan Chi and Sonya Blade.
Heck, we reckon he could tear apart an adversary
or two using nothing but his bare hands and
his pure, unbridled rage, fuelled only by
the power of incessantly booing crowds.
And if nothing else, just think of all the
places he could stick that “pugil stick”…
5.
Ellen Ripley
Fans of Mortal Kombat X will be familiar with
the Alien, AKA Xenomorph XX121, the welcoming
extra terrestrial who befriends the crew of
the Nostromo and shares with them a great
recipe for raspberry scones.
Well it turns out that Ellen Ripley isn’t
much of a fan of the baked treat, so she’s
got it out for Alien and all of its Xenomorph
buddies.
None of that’s true of course, as the Alien
is an absolute abomination and we fully support
Ripley in her mission to KILL IT WITH FIRE.
If for no other reason than it would be thoroughly
satisfying to see the two duke it out with
hand-to-hand combat, we desperately desire
to see Ripley featured in the next Mortal
Kombat, along with her slimy alien pal.
And when she’s bored of punching and kicking
the heck out of evil ET, she can pull out
her trusty flamethrower and finish the job
in dramatic style?
While we’re at it, why not subvert a few
expectations?
Because who’s to say that Ripley’s blood
can’t be highly acidic?
And what could possibly be a finer fatality
than Ellen diving down the Xenomorph’s throat,
before bursting out of ITS chest?
Anyone fancy ribs?
4.
Ghostface
What’s YOUR favourite scary movie?
Personally, I’m a big fan of The Cabin in
the Woods, which draws upon horror tropes
as a critical satire, whilst still remaining
scary enough to be counted as a true horror,
and without wandering into parody territory.
I feel like I’ve gone a bit off-piste here,
what was I saying…?
Ah yes.
Another great scary movie of the satirical
horror genre was 1996’s Scream, which introduced
us to the masked slasher, Ghostface, who is
basically a Scooby Doo villain for grown-ups
but without the ballache of having to deal
with Scrappy Doo.
Armed with a knife, a voice modulator, and
a spoopy mask, we get a lot of fun kills out
of Ghostface, and it seems only fitting that
he should join his slasher-flick peers, such
as Freddy and Jason, as part of the Mortal
Kombat gang.
Though we’ve seen many iterations of knife
kills over the years in the MK games, what
we haven’t seen is an opponent tied to a
chair and disembowelled, crushed to death
by a garage door, or viciously assaulted with
a Nokia 3310.
And that doesn’t mean that Ghostface can’t
still get creative with his knife, no sir.
After all, we Mortal Kombat fans are a simple,
gore-loving bunch, and if you want to tear
out your rival’s still-beating heart while
his horrified mum listens on speakerphone,
you do you, my dude.
3.
Hannibal Lecter
By all accounts, Hannibal Lecter is not a
particularly great chap.
There’s his insistence on using proper grammar
and fancy handwriting all the time (what a
nerd), his snobbish taste in everything from
wine to cologne, his habit of psychoanalysing
everyone he meets…
Oh, and there’s the whole eating people
thing, almost forgot about that one.
Although not an action hero, we know that
Dr. Lecter can hold his own in a fight, but
what interests us here is the ample opportunity
to get in plenty of that Mortal Kombat gore
we know and love.
It’s all very well and good being able to
kill someone with your bare hands, but it’s
nothing without great style and execution
(forgive the pun).
Oh, the fun we could have cracking open Jax’s
chest and chowing down on his pancreas, or
lobotomising Mileena and feeding her a piece
of her own brain (yummy).
Because let’s face it, what really is the
point in tearing out someone’s liver if
you’re not going to serve it up with some
fava beans and a nice chianti?
2.
Neo
Chosen one, and definitely-not-obvious-Jesus-analogy,
Neo, is famed from here to Zion for his hand-to-hand
combat skills and bullet-dodging prowess.
After Thomas A. Anderson swallows the Red
Pill and is freed of the Matrix, he becomes
Neo, a superhero of sorts, destined to end
the war between man and machine (yes, I’m
looking at you, Sektor, sit the heck down).
Well-versed in the likes of Jiu Jitsu and
Kung Fu, Neo is a highly proficient fighter
who can bend the fabric of reality itself
through his understanding of the Matrix.
The man can literally dive into enemies and
explode them from the inside out, for Christ
sake!
What a show-off.
What makes Neo interesting, however, is that
despite the numerous Superman parallels in
the movies, he is not infallible or overpowered,
and would be well matched against some of
the veterans of the Mortal Kombat arena.
Just imagine how fun it could be to manipulate
the game world around you to pre-empt attacks,
dodge gunshots, and tear the skeletal system
out of unsuspecting foes, leaving them as
empty meat-sacks on the floor quicker than
they can say artificial intelligence.
Don’t worry, a spot of Vanish will get that
stain right out.
1.
John McClane
There are two schools of thought when it comes
to Die Hard; those who believe that it is
a Christmas movie, and those who are wrong.
In my house, it just isn’t Christmas until
I’ve seen Hans Gruber yeeted from the top
of Nakatomi Tower, but why limit that most
joyous of events to just the festive season,
when you could have gift of John McClane all
year round?
And yes, I know I probably used the word “yeeted”
wrong just there, and that probably wasn’t
very yolo of me.
Try not to be bae about it.
You bunch of stans.
Anyway.
No one dies harder than John McClane, and
that is a fact.
So why not introduce him to a setting where
he can die (and cause the deaths of others)
pretty damn hard over and over again?
With a proven track record of ass-kicking,
plenty of experience with firearms, and a
penchant for an explosion or two, John could
definitely hold his own against the veterans
of MK.
Add to this a couple of his signature one-liners,
and you’ve got a recipe for a bloody cracking
Christmas.
How holly-jolly would it be to see John carve
“Now I have a machine gun, ho-ho-ho” into
Goro’s chest, stab Cassie Cage in the eye
with an icicle, or beat Ermac to death with
a Christmas tree?
Yippee-ki-yay, mother…
And that’s our list.
Got any more suggestions for characters you’d
like to see among the Mortal Kombat ranks?
Let us know in the comments below.
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I’m Ben from TripleJump, and thanks for
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