>> Stephen: YOU KNOW, FOLKS,
IT'S AN HISTORIC DAY, WITH THE
PRESIDENT FACING IMPEACHMENT.
AND HE COULDN'T HAVE DONE IT
WITHOUT THE HELP OF HIS PERSONAL
LAWYER AND SOFT-BOILED AMERICAN,
RUDY GIULIANI.
GIULIANI JUST WON'T STOP GIVING
THE KIND OF LEGAL HELP THAT GOT
TRUMP IMPEACHED.
IN FACT, HE JUST GOT BACK FROM
YET ANOTHER TRIP TO UKRAINE AND
HAS BEEN ALL OVER THE MEDIA,
PUSHING "INCREASINGLY CONVOLUTED
CONSPIRACY THEORIES ABOUT THE
BIDEN FAMILY AND UKRAINE."
BUT RUDY SWEARS HIS UKRAINE TRIP
WASN'T A POLITICAL HIT JOB
AGAINST THE BIDENS.
>> YOU LOOKED INTO UKRAINE
BECAUSE BIDEN WAS RUNNING FOR
PRESIDENT
>> COMPLETE LIE
I LOOKED INTO UKRAINE BECAUSE IT
WAS THROWN AT ME.
>> Stephen: THAT MAKES SENSE,
YEAH, IT WAS THROWN AT HIM.
I BELIEVE THAT BECAUSE EVERY
TIME I SEE HIM ON TV, I WANT TO
THROW SOMETHING AT HIM.
TRUMP WAS FULLY ON BOARD WITH
RUDY'S FICTION-FINDING MISSION.
REPORTEDLY, THE MOMENT RUDY
LANDED, TRUMP CALLED HIM TO
ASK, "WHAT DID YOU GET?"
AND RUDY REPLIED, "MORE THAN YOU
CAN IMAGINE."
 ( AS TRUMP )
"MORE THAN I CAN IMAGINE?
SO A 21-PIECE McNUGGETS?"
 (  LAUGHTER  )
WE HAVE NO IDEA WHO ELSE RUDY
MAY HAVE BEEN TALKING TO LATELY,
AND NEITHER DOES HE, BECAUSE
HE'S ALSO BEEN MAKING MULTIPLE
BUTT DIALS TO REPORTERS.
I'M NOT SURPRISED RUDY DIALS
WITH HIS BUTT.
THAT IS WHERE HIS BEST IDEAS
COME FROM.
AND, AND--
 ( APPLAUSE )
WE'LL BE HEARING MORE ABOUT
RUDY'S CONSPIRACY TOUR OF
UKRAINE, BECAUSE HE'S BEEN
PUTTING TOGETHER BOTH A 20-PAGE
REPORT AND A DOCUMENTARY SERIES.
I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE WHAT'S IN
THERE.
AND I WON'T HAVE TO WAIT,
BECAUSE JOINING US NOW LIVE VIA
SATELLITE IS THE PRESIDENT'S
PERSONAL LAWYER, RUDOLPH
GIULIANI!
MAYOR GIULIANI, IT'S GOOD OF
GOOD TO SEE YOU AGAIN,
MR. MAYOR.
>> COMPLETE LIE!
SORRY, THAT'S A REFLEX.
GOOD TO SEE YOU, TOO, STEPHEN.
>> Stephen: MR. GIULIANI,
TODAY'S IMPEACHMENT VOTE
HAPPENED IN LARGE PART BECAUSE
OF YOUR DEALINGS WITH UKRAINE.
SO WHY DID YOU TRAVEL THERE TO
DIG UP EVEN MORE CONSPIRACIES
ABOUT THE BIDENS?
>> SHHHHH!
STEPHEN, ALL I CAN SAY IS I HAVE
REASON TO BELIEVE THAT NOT ONLY
DID HUNTER BIDEN TRY TO RIG THE
2016 ELECTION.
HE ALSO RIGGED THE 2016 OLYMPICS
AND THE 2016 "NICKELODEON KIDS'
CHOICE AWARDS"!
BLAKE SHELTON WAS
UNCONSTITUTIONALLY SLIMED!
 (  LAUGHTER  )
>> Stephen: I'LL TAKE YOUR WORD
FOR IT.
NOW, I HAVE TO ASK ABOUT A
DAMNING STATEMENT YOU MADE THIS
WEEK.
DID YOU REALLY ADMIT TO
REPORTERS THAT YOU PUSHED TRUMP
TO FIRE THE AMBASSADOR TO
UKRAINE BECAUSE SHE WAS STANDING
IN YOUR WAY?
>> OF COURSE I SAID THAT,
STEPHEN!
I SAY EVERYTHING!
BUT YOU CAN'T PROVE THAT I
MEANT IT.
SCIENTISTS HAVE NEVER
ESTABLISHED A CREDIBLE LINK
BETWEEN MY BRAIN AND MY MOUTH.
 (  LAUGHTER  )
>> Stephen: OKAY, OKAY, I
UNDERSTAND THAT.
BUT-- BUT, SIR-- BY THE WAY,
WHERE ARE YOU RIGHT NOW?
IT LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE BACK IN
UKRAINE?
>> STEPHEN, I CAN'T DISCLOSE MY
LOCATION.
IT WOULD JEOPARDIZE THE SECRET
MISSION I'M CURRENTLY ON HERE IN
UKRAINE.
 (  LAUGHTER  )
NOW, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, I HAVE
A MEETING WITH A HIGH-LEVEL
CONSULTANT.
GOOD MEETING.
LET'S HAVE A FOLLOW-UP.
 (  LAUGHTER  )
>> Stephen: MR. MAYOR, ARE YOU
REALLY DRINKING?
>> A COMPLETE LIE!
I'M MERELY UNCOVERING EVIDENCE.
NOW, LET'S GET TO THE BOTTOM OF
THIS.
 (  LAUGHTER  )
>> Stephen: OKAY.
SPEAKING OF EVIDENCE, YOU SAID
YOU FOUND "MORE THAN YOU CAN
IMAGINE."
CAN YOU SHARE ANY OF IT RIGHT
NOW?
>> OH, STEPHEN, THAT WOULD BE A
DISASTER!
SO HERE WE GO!
 (  LAUGHTER  )
I DISCOVERED SOME EXPLOSIVE
EVIDENCE HIDDEN INSIDE A TRASH
CAN NEAR BURISMA HEADQUARTERS.
LOOK AT THIS!
A-HA!
>> Stephen: OKAY, THAT LOOKS
LIKE A HALF-EATEN TUNA SANDWICH?
>> EXACTLY!
I'VE ANALYZED THE BITE MARKS AND
NOW HAVE REASON TO BELIEVE THAT
HUNTER BIDEN CAN TRANSFORM INTO
A CAT!
 (  LAUGHTER  )
>> Stephen: MR. MAYOR, I'M
SORRY, THERE IS JUST NO WAY
THAT'S TRUE.
>> STEPHEN, IT WILL  ALL BECOME
CLEAR WHEN YOU SEE MY NEW
DOCUMENTARY SERIES.
ROLL THE CLIP.
>> I AM HUNTER BIDEN!
I LOVE CORRUPTION!
>> VERY, VERY, VERY DISTURBING.
>> Stephen: THAT'S JUST
OVERDUBBED FOOTAGE FROM THE
MOVIE "CATS."
>> COMPLETE LIE!
>> Stephen: I'M SORRY, IS
THERE SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOUR
EYES?
>> THEY'RE TRYING TO ESCAPE MY
HEAD SO THEY DON'T HAVE TO
TESTIFY BEFORE CONGRESS.
THEY'VE SEEN TOO MUCH!
>> Stephen: OKAY.
OKAY, MR. MAYOR, I'M OVER HERE.
YOU CAN HEAR MY VOICE?
OKAY THERE, YOU GO.
MR. MAYOR, GIVEN TODAY'S
IMPEACHMENT VOTE, DO YOU STILL
THINK THERE'S ANY WAY-- I'M
SORRY.
I'M GETTING A PHONE CALL.
IT SAYS IT'S FROM YOU?
>> OH, NO.
NO!
THAT'S A BUTT DIAL.
DON'T ANSWER IT!
MY BUTT HAS BEEN TURNED AGAINST
ME BY THE BIDENS!
 (  LAUGHTER  )
>> Stephen: WHAT-- WHAT DOES
THAT MEAN?
>> MY BUTT HAS BEEN WORKING
BEHIND MY BACK!
 (  LAUGHTER  )
 ( APPLAUSE )
NO, NO, NO.
IT'S BEEN CALLING REPORTERS
WITHOUT MY PERMISSION!
YOU NEED TO BELIEVE ME: MY BUTT
IS A CONSTANT SOURCE OF LEAKS!
 (  LAUGHTER  )
IS
>> Stephen: I BELIEVE YOU.
I WON'T PICK IT UP.
>> NO, WAIT, DO PICK UP!
BUT DON'T TELL MY BUTT YOU'RE
TALKING TO ME.
THIS
>> Stephen: OKAY.
HELLO?
>> WHAT'S HE SAYING?
ANYTHING ABOUT THE BIDENS?
>> Stephen: NOTHING.
IT'S JUST SOME MUFFLED NOISE.
>> OF COURSE.
THAT GUY'S A DRUNKEN (BLEEP). 
 (  LAUGHTER  )
>> Stephen: THANK YOU,
MR. MAYOR.
>> COMPLETE LIE!
>> Stephen: RUDY GIULIANI,
EVERYBODY!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH
CHARLIZE THERON.
