(game show music)
- [Announcer] From the confinement
of their sprawling estates,
America's leading celebrities converge
for "Let's Make a Poop" special edition,
the Quarantine Squares!
Kenan Thompson.
Julie Bowen.
Ken Jeong.
James Carville.
Susie Essman.
Tom Arnold.
Anthony Scaramucci.
Joey Fatone.
And Jason Alexander.
All on the the Quarantine Squares!
Now here's your host, the
legendary foul-mouthed,
fresh hound himself,
Triumph the insult,
puppet dog!
- Oh thank you,
thank you very much,
thank you Michael Winslow
and welcome to our special
quarantine squares edition
of "Let's Make A Poop."
How are you celebrities?
- Loving life.
- Good thanks.
- Onto Corona calories.
- I love your backgrounds.
Love them.
Very few pretentious bookshelves.
Only Scaramucci, who we
know is an avid reader.
(group laughing)
Joey Fatone, where are
you, in the kitchen?
Natural habitat?
- Times are tough I have to,
I have, yeah, it's a kitchen
and my bedroom is right
here, I'm sitting on my bed.
- He was gonna put out books
but I told him menus don't count as books.
- Very true.
- Of course our
celebrities are all abiding
by their local stay at home orders.
These are hard times for Americans.
As of this week, four in
five people are unemployed,
according to a study of NSYNC.
(group laughing)
- Thank you all for coming
together to help this important cause.
And Also Ken Jeong, who will die,
who of course will die if he's not on TV
at least once every 24 hours.
(group laughing)
So this is technically the internet Ken
but we do what we can in difficult times.
So seriously, an inspiring to see
how celebrities collaborate
and find creative ways
to keep getting the validation
they desperately need
to survive.
Talking to each other
from the special estates.
Having adorable Zoom reunions for shows
we thought we were sick of
and their special estates.
Graduates, much needed platitudes like
this is your moment from
their palacial estates.
Yes for most celebrities,
lifting your spirits goes hand in hand
with getting your balls licked.
Please brave stars, no.
Our celebrities are here
to lift your spirits
by being shit on my a dog puppet.
That's what people really want.
They're the real celebrity heroes everyone
so thank you.
I appreciate you all stepping
out of your comfort zone,
getting on a webcam and taking abuse
is usually just something Joey
does for money on weekends.
(group laughing)
All right, well we're here to help
real people in need so Michael Winslow,
lets meet our contestants.
- She's a nurse who contracted COVID-19,
please welcome Ruby Ramoutar.
(funky game show beat)
- Thank you for having me.
- Well how are you?
First of all how are you Ruby?
- I'm doing better, thank you.
- Tell us your story, you were,
so you were a volunteer, you're a nurse
but you volunteered to
come to New Jersey from
where do you live?
- Willington, North Carolina.
- So you traveled from North Carolina
all the way to New Jersey
to volunteer to help out
in the hospitals here, yes?
- Yes sir.
- And what happened?
- Due to the lack of
proper protective equipment
and reusing the mask
and down for five days
and being exposed to COVID-19 patients,
I ended up contracting COVID-19.
- Dear God and then what did,
what did they do for you?
- Well my agency did nothing for me.
They left me in a hotel room
and didn't check up on me
or make sure I had food
and necessary essentials.
But,
I was able to contact
a lawyer and also the news in New York and
was able to get some
relief and aid and help
and here I am!
- And here you are,
you're back in North Carolina now right?
- Yes sir.
- You recovered on your
own, God bless you.
- Thank you.
- Had the proper--
See that, see?
So if any of you celebrities
have a problem with a joke
about, you know, a toupee,
or looking like a lizard
or not being funny, to
Rosanne carrying you,
or having made up conspiracy theories
or Rosanne saying you have a small penis,
I'm sorry Tom we have a
lot of material on you.
Burn through some of it here,
we're never gonna finish our show.
(group laughing)
So you're practicing nurse again?
- I am, I just started back
at the long term care facility
here local.
- Beautiful and let me ask you,
you must be an expert on this by now.
As a nurse, just your opinion,
do you think, do you believe
bat to human transmission
is a reasonable explanation
for James Carville?
- I can believe in that.
- No!
- Oh my God.
- Okay no opinion.
Okay Michael Winslow, tell
us about our next contestant.
- Our next contestant had a job more,
dehumanizing and dangerous
as Tom Arnold's assistant.
Meet former Amazon worker Chris Smalls!
- Chris Smalls!
(funky game show beat)
Now this guy,
this guy's got quite the story.
He worked at Amazon and Chris,
the conditions there were
unsafe, is that correct?
- Absolutely.
Yeah, my employees
around me, my colleagues,
were falling ill in beginning of March,
talk about flu-like
symptoms, dizziness, fatigue,
some of my employees were even vomiting
at their work stations,
very alarming, very scary
situation to work in.
We had no cleaning supplies,
we had no PPE provided.
So I had to do what I had to do,
take further action,
mobilize the walkout,
resulted into my termination.
- [Triumph] Oh my God.
- We saw that on TV.
- Yeah, I was on TV.
Everywhere.
- He was fired, this
guy, for speaking out.
So Chris, you're currently
unemployed, right?
- I am.
- Okay well,
we're gonna help both you guys.
First of all Chris, for you,
to avoid triggering you any
furth, as an Amazon worker,
to avoid triggering you any further,
almost none of these
celebrities can be classified
as Prime.
- Thank you.
(group laughing)
- Today Chris, you and Ruby
are going to get to
play quarantine squares
and we're here to help you.
You're going to be playing
for the grand prize
of $500 dollars!
- Wooh!
- Excellent.
- Sadly in the seven seconds
it took for me to say that,
Jeff Bezos just made $138,000 dollars.
No taxes but still!
You'll be playing tic tac
toe, using celebrities,
they'll answer a question,
you can agree or disagree.
If you're correct, you'll get the square.
Now, a warning to our contestants.
Scaramucci could be an X one minute,
and then turn to an O
without telling anybody.
(group laughing)
Or he could sit the other way around!
- Whoa!
- It just depends on
what suits him.
- He never pays out the money though,
just so you know Chris.
I've been, I've been with this guy before.
The shit talking dog just gives you shit,
there's never any money involved
but go ahead, keep going.
Get the hell outta here.
- Mooch, Mooch, I'm
gonna be so happy to fire
you in 10 minutes.
(group laughing)
- Nine minutes and 30
seconds but that's fine.
- Oh my God, so let's play the game!
Do you know how to play tic tac toe?
We're going to have Ruby go first.
Pick a celebrity Ruby!
- Tom Arnold!
- Yeah, yeah,
you're Ruby.
- Oh perfect,
thank you, Tom Arnold, how are you Tom?
- I'm very well--
- Tom Arnold
ladies and gentlemen,
also known as Rosanne's
second-worst decision.
(group laughing)
- Oh...
- How's it been Tom?
- I'm very well.
What an honor to be playing for Ruby
and, you know, I've
seen Ruby on television,
I've seen both of these
heroes and I've seen
Ken Jeong's penis in a movie,
it's smaller than mine,
I just have to say.
Can't beat the hero, thank you Ken.
So it's an honor, thank you for doing
what both of you guys
have done, well done.
Can't have both.
- All right well,
how's the, how's the pee
pee tape search going.
- I was never looking
for the pee pee tape,
- What?
- But, no, that wasn't,
but he does, everything--
- Your whole show was about
looking for the pee pee tape!
- Listen to me man, ask
Scaramucci, ask Carville,
those guys will tell ya!
Let us just say this,
but when he denied that he was involved
with a prostitute and pee,
he said I'm a, I'm a germaphobic,
he raw-dogged a porn star.
He's not germaphobic, for God sakes!
No wonder he doesn't wear a fucking mask.
- All right well we still,
we still haven't found the pee pee tape.
Apparently it's even harder,
it's even harder to find than
a watchable Tom Arnold movie.
(group laughing)
- Could very well be true.
- Dang.
- That could very well be true.
- Tom, have you put on a
little of the weight back?
I put a lot of weight back.
- I know Ken, Ken Jeong, you're a doctor,
can you explain to all of us
how Tom Arnold has managed
to gain weight on meth?
(group laughing)
Now let's start the game.
Okay Tom,
the first question,
the first question, ready Tom.
- Yes I'm ready!
- Despite Michael, we don't need to fuck,
Jesus Christ...
- Let's play the feud, come on.
- You wanna make your sound effect,
make your mark, I would have
had you strangled by now.
Okay, first question.
Tom--
- Yes sir.
- Despite his best efforts,
President Trump is heartbroken
that he was unable to prevent this.
- Him?
- Yeah, you're, you're supposed to guess.
- Oh that he was able to prevent,
uh, uh, uh...
- Anybody else want to take a shot?
- I'll take it.
- Who?
- Stormy Daniels from getting the clap.
- Oh!
- Okay.
- Ruby, is that,
agree or disagree?
- Disagree.
- Or do you think
there's a funnier answer?
- Disagree.
- Disagree, okay.
Despite his best efforts,
President Trump is heartbroken
that he was unable to prevent this,
what is Melania's 50th birthday.
(group laughing)
Okay circle gets the square
and Chris, your turn.
(throaty echoing)
Michael, please.
- Let me go--
- Not final Jeopardy,
not every question is final Jeopardy.
- Imma go, Imma go with Jason Alexander.
- Jason.
- All right Chris.
- Alexander, the man!
Okay--
- As opposed to?
- Legend, one of the greatest
comic actors in history.
You know a lot of people don't know this,
but since Seinfeld went off the air,
you know people talk
about the Seinfeld jinx,
people want me to make jokes about that,
a lot of people don't know this,
but since Seinfeld went off the air,
the cast of Seinfeld has won
a combined seven Emmy's for best actress.
(group laughing)
- And every one deserved, by God.
- Every one deserved, it's
a tribute to all of you.
- Yes.
- Testament
to your staying power Jason.
- We couldn't have done
it without her, by God.
- I, listen,
please, I don't know man.
Where have you been, seriously?
You're so talented.
I mean, you've been as underused
as the part of Ken Jeong's
brain that says no to things.
(group laughing)
- I've been very using Triumph.
I've been very, I have three
failed series under my belt
and a string of horrible
stand-up comedic appearances.
(group laughing)
Speaking of stand-ups, what about Jerry?
What a great guy.
Tell us a little Jerry story.
Tell us about, what is the funniest excuse
Jerry has used not to hang out with you.
- He's antisemitic basically,
I think it what he is.
- Self-hating!
He self hates while you
wait and wait and wait.
- Exactly.
- Okay, Jason Alexander.
- Yes.
- Despite recent controversy,
Joe Biden is said to have
retained 32% of this.
(Jason laughing)
- Claimed to actually being the power
behind the Obama administration.
- Not bad.
- Close?
Right something?
- Chris, agree or disagree?
- Disagree.
- Disagree.
- Despite recent controversy,
Joe Biden is said to have retained
32% of this.
What is his recollection of
this morning's breakfast.
(group laughing)
Okay X gets the square, who's next,
Ruby.
- Julia Bowman.
- Julie Bowen, oh my God.
- She would not be the first
to mispronounce my name.
- I apologize.
- It's hard.
It's all right.
I'm, I'm--
- Julia Bowman.
- Julia, Ba,
Julie Growings--
- It's Adena Manziel!
Adena Manziel for God sakes.
- Julia, Julie Bowen I'm
so happy you're here.
If you can see from the tic tac toe board,
as per your restraining order,
Tom Arnold must remain
no less than two squares
away from you.
- That's correct.
Sorry Tom, it's just the law.
- Julia Bowman.
Why, how disrespectful.
Julia Bowman, why don't she call you
what everyone else calls you,
the one who's not Sofia Vergara.
(group laughing)
What is the background?
Tell us about that.
- The background is of my, is a,
that's--
- What is that?
- That's a "Happy Gilmore"
poster from Ghana.
- [Triumph] What?
- It was painted on flower sacks.
They thought it was too boring a movie
so they added some violence.
You can see, everybody gets killed.
I'll change it for you though.
I don't want you to be--
- No no, that's nice,
are you that's not a Safty brothers pic,
re-ma-do of "Happy Gilmore?"
That looks good, now you,
what do you have their now?
Oh my God.
- Um, lots of Sofia.
- Okay, all right.
Okay, you're doing it to yourself Julie!
- I mean, you gotta--
- I'm sorry,
I'm sorry Julia, Julia.
- Julia Bowman.
- I don't know why you
lack self-confidence, okay.
- Last month Julia.
- Yes.
- Here's the question.
Last month, 255 college football players
were chosen over seven rounds in this.
- Well, I mean it was the,
this isn't a funny, but
I need a funny answer.
It was the NFL draft.
(Triumph laughing)
- Okay, I don't know man,
Ruby agree or disagree.
- Agree.
- I'm so sorry it was
actually not a funny answer.
- See?
- Last month 255 college football players
were chosen over seven rounds in this,
what is David Geffen's yacht.
(group laughing)
- I'm so,
I'm so sorry Ruby.
- That's okay, I'm sorry too.
- You deserve better.
- You know what, you know what,
because we're helping people,
we're trying to help people here,
Julia Bowman, you are gonna get a chance
to win back the circle for Ruby.
- Okay.
- If you redeem yourself, okay?
Here's how you do it.
You have to,
use your chat function
and give Joey Fatone
you're cell phone number.
- What?
- You heard me!
- I want, if you're doing,
she's a nurse for God sake!
Give Joey Fatone your cell phone number.
- I need the cell phone number.
- Okay, okay, I'm doing,
I have to send it to Joey
but I accidentally sent it to everyone
and that's not a good idea.
- Well that's okay.
- Sorry Tom Arnold,
that's a bad idea.
(group laughing)
That's because--
- I wouldn't do that to you
Julia Bowman.
- Did you get it?
- Oh you know what, did I get it?
I don't think I got it yet.
Where is it?
- It, look in the chat,
look in the chat function.
- Okay, hang on.
- You have the number?
- Yes, I got it.
- Okay.
Joey Fatone now has a valuable
celebrity's phone number.
Ruby gets the circle!
- Julia Bowman.
- Julia Bowman.
- Julie Bowman.
- Okay Chris,
Chris it's your chance
to stay in the game.
- Let me go with my guy,
Kenan Thompson.
- All right.
- Ba-boom.
- Man, Kenan.
- Triumph, before I leave,
can I just give a shout
out to Tiny Diamond?
- [Triumph] Oh shit it's
four o'clock already?
- You are costing me 20,
Tiny Diamond you are costing
me $20 dollars a day here
in the Mooch household, okay?
Every day they're lighting me up
on this stupid trolls world tour.
- Mooch you been on this show
longer than you were in the White House.
- Exactly, you know it's odd to see
Scaramucci leave a job early
without the help of security.
- Good luck you guys, I gotta hop.
- Scaramucci has to leave,
he had to leave early for
another Zoom conference.
He has a work meeting with Santa Claus.
- Tiny you're costing me man.
You're costing me dough man.
- Okay Michael Winslow,
you're going to take over
for Scaramucci's square.
- Why does he--
- All right, very well then.
- Act like he has some place to go?
He's got no job, no career.
- Wow he really left, okay.
- He really had to go Kenan.
- That's gangster.
- I know--
- Hilarious.
- $1000 bucks says he's on
Masked Singer this year,
$1000 bucks.
(group laughing)
- I love it.
All right Kenan, how are you?
- I'm great sir, how are you?
- Good I, everybody I think appreciates
the effort you guys made
making those Zoom shows from home,
you know, SNL Zoom?
- Yeah yeah, I'm waiting on the return.
- I have to say it was
a little weird for me
to see you guys doing SNL on Zoom because
usually you guys phone it in.
Ba-doom!
- Nice.
Nice, that was a good one.
Thank you.
That feels good, I like that.
That feels really good.
- Kenan,
give me a reaction shot for that one
that we can cut into, you know,
the Don Roy king can cut to.
- Okay hold on let's,--
- Give me a classic
Kenan reaction shot.
- We'll do it on three.
One, two--
- Three.
(group laughing)
We're going to use that like
six more times in the show.
It was perfect.
- Just cut to that over and over.
- Thank you Kenan.
Thank you Kenan, okay.
President Trump claimed
that Obama's pandemic playbook was useless
because it contained this.
- Words.
(group laughing)
- What do you think?
What do you think, Chris?
- Man, you know what,
I agree with that.
(group laughing)
- Kenan Thompson, that
was the joke, words.
Nailed it.
- No way!
- You nailed it
Kenan Thompson!
- No way!
- Yeah, my guy!
- Yeah Kenan!
- Kenan Thompson, you're the
pride of "Saturday Night Live."
- Wow, tip my cap to myself.
(group laughing)
- Ruby.
- Ken Jeong.
- Ken Jeong to block.
- Okay.
This is very exciting.
You know folks, this
is the first game show
where the host has the
ability to mute Ken Jeong.
It's really thrilling.
In the future this is going
to be pretty standard I think.
Ruby have you met Ken?
- No hi!
- Hi Ruby!
I'm glad you're better!
- Ruby's a nurse, she saves lives.
She saves lives, you know
Ken used to be a doctor.
Then he decided saving lives
is nice but he'd rather,
he'd rather guess whether
the panda is Terry Bradshaw
or--
(group laughing)
It's all right Ken.
We love you, let's play the game.
Ken Jeong,
what recently convinced
a number of Americans
across the country to
try and drink bleach?
- Uh, what recently convinced?
- Yes.
- I mean it was Trump's press conference
where he suggested that
could be a possibility.
- Ken, you've been watching
the show, haven't you?
You're supposed to do funny jokes!
Like Kenan!
The words things, you know,
make with that, the funny Ken.
- I'm a--
- This isn't
"The Masked Singer."
You're actually supposed
to be funny on this show.
I mean intentionally funny.
- I honestly have nothing Robert.
- [Triumph] Okay anyone
else want to take a shot?
- Ken probably meant to say
the state of the union address.
- The state of the union address.
- Would you agree with that Ruby?
- Disagree.
- Disagree, okay,
this, what recently convinced
a number of Americans
across the country to
try and drink bleach?
What is the celebrity imagine video.
(group laughing)
All going to have to recreate
if we keep fucking up these answers.
Okay.
Okay.
Ruby successfully blocks with Ken Jeong.
Chris it's back into your hands.
- All right, James Carville.
- Oh!
- James Carville!
- Yo.
- The legend.
This man is a legend.
James Carville, can,
James, can I call you James
or do you prefer Mr. Peanut?
(group laughing)
- Ah!
Ale!
- Thank you for coming this,
man has done so much for the country
and he's not only a great, you know,
political figure,
he's always been a supporter
of the performing arts.
During Bill Clinton's presidency,
honestly, I can't even begin to tell you
the number of cheques
this man ended up writing
to struggling female
Arkansas lounge singer.
(group laughing)
No I, I, those were good times.
James, looking at you makes
me incredibly nostalgic.
For my missing testicles.
(group laughing)
- I got it right on top of my head.
- Please, you're teasing me now.
I'm gonna ask one that James will like.
James, when threatened,
some weaker primates will do this
to make themselves appear stronger
than they actually are.
- Uh, tell lies.
- Tell lies, what do you think Chris.
- Disagree.
- Disagree.
- When threatened, some
weaker primates will do this
to make themselves appear
stronger than they actually are.
What is shout Obamagate!
(group laughing)
Obamagate!
Obamagate!
James we're gonna make
fun of the DNC soon.
You're gonna get,
we're gonna get back at you.
- Oh really?
I didn't even know it existed.
- Bernie Sanders knows it exists, okay,
Ruby.
- Susie.
- Susie Essman for the block!
- Can I just say,
after what Tom was talking about,
about the pee pee tape,
about the germaphobia,
I heard that he doesn't
like to shake hands
not because he's a germaphobe,
but that he jerks off so much,
he considers anything else cheating.
- Tom's is so shot,
his stomach is so big I don't think he can
get his hands on it, I really don't.
(group laughing)
Think about that,
he's gotta go all the way around that gut,
with those little fingers,
I don't think he can do it.
I really I,
and I have some experience
at this kind of thing.
- Susie I like that burn.
She is a tough one, she is a tough one.
- Yeah she is.
- You know for a Jew, I mean,
she busts more balls the a mole
with parkinson's disease.
(group laughing)
- Oh man!
- Yeah.
- Okay, Susie, let's
go, let's play the game.
Susie this musician
announced he would continue
to perform concerts
without audiences present.
- Yeah.
- That's the question.
- Who is it?
- Who is it, yes.
- Frank Sinatra.
(group laughing)
- Very good.
Ruby, she says Frank
Sinatra, agree or disagree?
- Agree.
- Okay I'm gonna give that to you
because it was funny.
But, not the real answer though
but I'm gonna give it to her.
- What was the real answer?
- This musician announced
he would continue
to perform concerts
without audiences present.
Who is Joey Fatone 10 years ago.
(group laughing)
- Oh man, oh wow.
- Stay to laugh!
I know I speak for Joey
when I say it's okay.
(group laughing)
- Times are tough, I told you,
I'm working, I was working
at Chuck-E Cheeses.
- You were in the band
with all the animal-trons, yes?
I kid, they can all play instruments.
Chris, who are you taking?
- Well I'm gonna go for the block,
be on the safe side, I'm going Michael.
- What, wait a minute, you can win!
- I could also lose!
- No no but you can win before you lose!
You could take Joey
Fatone right now and win!
- Obviously!
- He's smart, he's smart.
- I don't know if I have
my faith in Joey yet.
- God dammit you're taking Joey Fatone.
- Don't do it kids.
It's all good man.
- I'm playing,
you know what, I'm taking Joey Fatone.
- I don't have faith in Amazon either,
it's all good man.
- You are taking Joey Fatone.
Joey, how are you?
- Good, I'm good.
I'm very happy to be here
with all you negative D-listers.
It's happy that you brought me on here.
(group laughing)
- I missed you,
I miss you Joey.
I wish we could be in the
same room together, you know?
- I know!
- I sprayed Axe body spray
on a Smith Field Ham
but it's just not the same!
(group laughing)
- It reminds me of,
Lance Bass so, I've missed
that, I do miss that.
- I miss you man.
Hey listen, listen Joey,
honestly we make fun of you
but, you've got some shit going.
You're hosting, let's do some plugs here.
You're hosting "Common Knowledge"
on the Game Show Network right?
- Yes I am sir.
"Common Knowledge," Game Show Network.
Excited about that?
You excited about that?
- I'm always excited
because I never know what kind
of questions gonna come up.
It's fun, it's great, it's exciting.
- Hey, Chris,
Joey says he's excited about
being on the Game Show Network.
Agree or disagree?
- Agree.
- I'm so sorry!
I am so sorry!
Joey took the job out of desperation
and he is faining excitement.
Sorry, I'm terribly sorry.
Circle, that's the square.
Joey it not excited.
Okay, Ruby, here we go.
- Michael Winslow.
- Michael Winslow, oh my God.
Okay Michael,
(dog barking)
It's all up to,
hopefully normal Michael,
his best shot at this thing--
(group laughing)
- I am normal, I am normal!
- Okay.
Since 1977, it's had a rotating cast
but it always includes a
cop, a construction worker,
a cowboy, and a sailor.
- Knight Rider.
- Not bad.
Agree or disagree?
- Disagree.
- Since 1977 it's had a rotating cast
but always includes a cop,
a construction worker,
a cowboy and a sailor,
what is Mike Pence's spank bank.
Mike Pence's
spank bank.
We're just kidding.
But that means Ruby gets three in a row.
Ruby wins.
Ruby is our winner.
How about a hand for Ruby.
- Yay, we're all winners.
- Okay.
So here's how it works.
Ruby as the winner, you
are winning $500 dollars!
And Chris I'm very sorry,
you didn't win but,
you do get to go home with,
uh, as unfortunately as the loser,
you have to go home with $500 dollars,
and Tom Arnold's biography.
- I want that!
She is beautiful.
I was just thinking that!
- What?
- I was thinking that
would be a good idea!
- Oh no wonder you stepped on the joke.
(group laughing)
I'll do it clean one more time.
I'm so sorry Chris.
Having lost, you have to go home
with $500 dollars and Tom
Arnold's autobiography.
There you go, there you go.
- Take a look at that though, here you go,
here you go--
- There it is.
All right, that's our show.
Thank you celebrities,
our wonderful contestants,
all our sponsors,
everybody wave goodnight!
Goodbye everyone!
- Bye!
- Bye bye!
Bye bye, good to see,
that's the end of bassy.
(funky game show jingle)
