- So many songs talk about loneliness,
'I'm so tired of being
alone', 'all by myself',
'I don't want to be
all by myself anymore',
and saying 'it's the
loneliness that is the killer',
'hey there lonely girl'.
So where does loneliness come from
and why are we so ashamed of loneliness?
Well, it often comes
from a failure to bond.
If you don't bond with your
parents you feel different.
Many people say, "you know,
my mom was always working" or
"we were in the army and
we were always moving."
One of my clients said "I
got to hate saying goodbye,
"every time I made a friend
we'd move a year later
"until I decided I don't
want to make friends,
"it's too painful when they leave."
So many of us create loneliness
because we've been rejected,
and it has been so painful,
we decide 'I'm better alone.
'I don't want friends,
if I don't let you in,
'you can't hurt me', we
create this kind of armor of,
'okay, I'm alone, I don't like
alone but I recognize alone',
you see, our human mind
is fascinating because
we are wired to recreate
what we've always known,
to go back to what we know
while avoiding what we don't know.
I worked with somebody
once who said, "you know,
"I have no relationship, no
girlfriend, no friends, nothing."
And when he was born, his
mother loved him so much,
she kept him at home,
she homeschooled him,
he was her everything.
And she didn't realize that actually,
children often go to school
to be social, to make friends.
This kid had no friends, just
his mom and when she died,
he was even more alone.
So if we have been alone for too long
we tend to create what we know,
if we feel inadequate,
even in a relationship,
we can feel alone, we can often say,
'you know what, I'm with someone,
'but I feel so lonely,
we don't talk anymore'.
How many songs do you know that
say 'we don't talk anymore,
'we no longer connect,
you're not the same person'?
To this day there are religious
groups like the Amish,
Quakers, extreme Mormons,
who will cast you out
if you don't conform.
We used to banish people,
we used to maroon difficult sailors,
isolate difficult people,
because our fear of
loneliness is primitive,
you know, years ago,
safety was a numbers game,
if you ever watch Game of
Thrones, you understood the truth,
surviving back then was down to numbers,
the bigger the group you
belonged to, the safer you were.
That's why they'd have wagon
trains going across America
and the more wagons there
were, the safer you were,
go across on your own, and that was scary.
So being lonely makes us feel vulnerable.
It also makes us feel deep shame,
'what's wrong with me?
'I don't have friends'.
You know, when you move a child mid-term
and they go to school
and they have no friends,
they feel like a loner,
they feel like a loser
and sometimes that is so
painful, they just keep it going.
So if you're alone, alone by yourself,
alone in a relationship,
you have a job where
there's lots of people
but you are alone,
I want you to have a
look at what alone means.
It actually means all one.
The best you can ever be
is alone in a relationship,
alone with people.
You have to understand that you are you,
you have good qualities
and you can let people in.
And someone will say, 'you know,
'I had a relationship, he left,
she left, it was terrible.
'I'd rather be on my own
for the rest of my life
'than go through that pain again'.
It's like that song by Carly Simon,
'I haven't got time for the pain'
or the other song, 'If
you leave me now your take
the very heart of me'
or Nelson, 'I can't live
if living is without you'.
And we sing these crazy songs in our head,
'you're the only girl
in the world for me',
'there will never be another
you', none of which is true.
But you see how we're
brainwashed to believe,
'oh, I found someone they left,
'it killed me, it destroyed me,
'I could never go through that pain again,
'I couldn't do it, I'd rather be alone',
you know what happens, your mind listens,
because your subconscious
mind is always switched on,
it is always on record when
you say 'it would kill me
'to be dumped like
that, again, I would die
'if I got rejected, if
another person came along
'and cheated on me, dumped
me, left me like that,
'I couldn't live through it'.
Now your mind is very clear,
'you don't want another relationship,
'no, no, no, no, no,
that nearly killed you,
'it nearly made you go insane,
'you nearly lost your mind,
'so don't ever have another relationship,
'be alone because you're safe'.
And sometimes people become
hermits for that reason,
because they can't cope with rejection.
But the truth is,
nobody ripped out your
heart, jumped all over it,
nobody killed you, or nearly
made you lose your mind,
you may have met someone who betrayed you,
hurt you and lied to you,
but he did you a favor.
You don't want to spend your
life with someone like that.
But that was a starter relationship.
Just like you have a starter home
and then you upgrade, you up level.
So go back and remind
yourself. What did you say
when your best friend
at school dumped you,
when your best friend
was one of the mean girls
and they ostracized you,
when the love of your life dumped you?
What did you say when you were
bullied at school, at work?
When someone you thought was
your friend betrayed you,
what did you say?
I bet you said 'I could
never go through it again.
'I'd rather be on my own, than do that.
'I prefer being with me.
'I can't be hurt.
'I prefer cats, dogs,
they never lie to you,
'they never hurt you'.
But you see that isn't true, my
daughter who's a great artist
just did a T-shirt that said 'masturbation
'never breaks your heart'
and I thought that was
actually quite funny.
What did you say to yourself?
Now you can change it.
When I was 17 the love of
my life broke my heart.
And when I met him 10 years later,
I remember thinking, 'oh my god,
'I'm so glad you broke my
heart' because he wasn't for me.
And now I'm with a wonderful husband,
I'm so glad that my first boyfriend,
the second one I called
the 'love of my life',
I'm so glad they broke my heart.
Someone came along and fixed
it, and you know what else,
a bodybuilder will break a muscle,
break it down and it grows
back bigger than ever,
a broken heart comes
back bigger than ever.
You may have heard of this thing in Japan
where they have a broken vase
and they put this gold liquid in it,
and it looks more beautiful.
It has a name which escapes
me, it'll come back to me.
It's more beautiful.
So a broken heart is
the biggest best heart,
your scars have shown
that you are resilient.
What did you think and say
and believe when you were hurt
that caused you to live your life alone,
go 'well, I like my own company,
'I prefer being by myself,
'I don't want to have to
look after someone else'.
None of this is true.
'I'm scared to let love in case it hurts.
'Love hurts, love wounds', there's a song,
and it's not true, love
is a wonderful thing,
love makes the world go around,
so stop singing those songs,
'I can't live without
you', 'unbreak my heart',
'I can't breathe' and sing a better song.
'I'm a survivor, I'm going to make it',
'I'm going to learn to
love again' because you can
and your first relationship
that didn't work
taught you a lot.
And by the way, everything in you
that that first person
loved when they left,
they didn't pack it in a
bag and take it with them,
it's still in you.
You had a starter relationship,
have a better one.
It's fine to want to be alone,
but do remember all cultures practice
being alone as a punishment.
When in the prison system,
the percentage of prisoners
who are put in isolation,
have more damaged mental health
than the whole of the prison
population put together.
Don't isolate yourself, don't
put yourself in solitary,
don't remove yourself from love,
love is all around you.
You don't have to be alone,
you can share your life
and there's that great
song by Whitney Houston,
'Share My Life',
it's a beautiful song.
But she too didn't feel worthy of love.
We are all worthy of love,
the universe that created you
will support you
1,000,000% in finding love
when you know you are lovable,
but if you want to attract
a great relationship
and not just with a romantic person,
if you want to have good friends,
amazing friends, friends at work,
friends that complete you,
if you want to have love
and people in your life
then please click the link in the bio
and take my lovability audio,
it will change everything.
You will attract love
and love will attract you
as you move to love it
will move towards you.
Because what you want, wants you.
Want love, find love, let love find you
because it really does complete you,
it's the icing on the cake,
it makes everything better.
My granny used to say "life without love
"is like food without salt."
She was not educated yet she
had all these amazing sayings.
My favorite was, 'across the
gateway of my heart I wrote:
''No Thoroughfare' and love
came laughing by, and cried:
'I enter everywhere'.
and I love that and you can too.
