-How's everyone doin' tonight?
True story -- my hair
is gettin' so long,
I'm trying to decide
if I should cut it
or just go full James Spader
in "Pretty in Pink."
Oh, man, look at that guy.
What a feathery delight.
Not a care in the world.
He'd never be caught dead
spendin' his summer
tellin' jokes behind a desk
while he listened
to squirrels bang
through the thin attic walls.
You know what?!
I might go for it!
I might go for it, guys.
Let's get to the news.
President Trump tweeted
this morning...
Oh, my God.
What's wrong with you?
You tweeted that?
That's not for Twitter.
That kind of insanity
clearly belongs on Facebook.
You know what this means.
For the next few days,
all 52 Republican senators
are gonna be hidin'
in Trump's bunker.
"Oh, we can't see
tweets down here.
Too dark.
Oh, oh, oh, we don't have a --
I didn't see it!"
House Democrats
and Speaker Nancy Pelosi kneeled
for 8 minutes and 46 seconds
in a show of solidarity
with protesters
and I'm not sure
that's the answer.
If this was
their Halloween costume,
they'd be banned
from the school yearbook.
According to the latest numbers,
almost a half million people
returned to work yesterday
as New York began phase 1
of its reopening
and you can tell
it's gonna be an adjustment
because a lot of 'em
forgot to wear pants.
"Uh...
Oh, crap, you guys.
Sorry.
Out of practice."
The NFL released
its updated plan yesterday
for safely returning players
to training facilities
amid the coronavirus pandemic,
such as, implementing
social distancing
and conducting virtual meetings
whenever possible,
though it will make
the huddles weird.
Researchers in London
have published a new study
that links repetitive
negative thinking
with Alzheimer's disease,
which explains why Eeyore just
introduced himself to Tigger.
"Eeyore, we've known
each other for years."
The restaurant chain
Cracker Barrel has announced
it will begin offering
beer and wine
at 20 locations
across the country.
So, if you want
some Cracker Barrel,
it's just right there
at the next exit.
Get over.
Just try to get over!
Just try --
You missed it.
You missed it.
Well, hopefully,
there's somethin' up ahead.
Producers of an updated version
of the "Looney Tunes" cartoons
announced yesterday that
characters like Elmer Fudd
and Yosemite Sam
will no longer carry guns.
That's right.
From now on,
it's all poisoning.
[ As Fudd ]
Enjoy your soup, Wabbit?
That's wight.
Kee-ee-p eating.
Keep eating the soup.
A New York woman
was arrested recently
after she allegedly
handed out baby raccoons
outside a convenience store.
In her defense,
Trump had just suggested them
as a coronavirus cure.
[ As Trump ]
What do you got to lose, people?
What do you got to lose?
Because isn't there a chance?
And I guess this is
a question --
question for you, Fauci.
Isn't there a chance
a raccoon would steal
the coronavirus from you?
Because I know
they steal garbage
and it is a --
it's a garbage disease.
It's a garbage --
The criminals of the garages,
the raccoons, as they're known.
But I'm not a doctor.
Might be look--
worth looking into.
Too smart to be a doctor,
I was told.
Fauci -- Fauci, my best friend.
A panda at a zoo in Denmark
escaped from its
enclosure yesterday
after it climbed up a pole
with electrical wires.
Then it climbed down the pole,
exited the zoo,
went to an office supply store
and, long story short --
And, finally, a man in India
reportedly underwent
surgery recently
after inserting a phone charger
into his penis
for sexual gratification.
And his girlfriend's
gonna be so embarrassed
when she exists.
You guys,
that was the monologue.
