>>> IT'S WEEKEND UPDATE, WITH
COLIN JOST, AND MICHAEL CHE.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> THANK YOU, GOOD EVENING,
EVERYONE.
>> WELCOME TO WEEKEND UPDATE.
I'M MICHAEL CHE.
>> AND I'M COLIN JOST.
IT'S VETERAN'S DAY.
DONALD TRUMP CELEBRATED BY
FINALLY GOING THE VIETNAM.
FIRST LADY MELANIA TRUMP STAYED
BEHIND IN CHINA TO VISIT THE
BEIJING ZOO WHILE TRUMP
CONTINUED ON TO VIETNAM WHERE HE
MET WITH RUSSIAN PRESIDENT
VLADIMIR PUTIN IN THEIR BEST
HILLARY CLINTON BLOUSE.
DURING THE MEETING PUTIN DENIED
MEDDLING IN THE ELECTION AND
TRUMP SAID HE BELIEVES HIM.
BUT KEEP IN MIND, TRUMP ALSO
BELIEVED HIS WIFE WHEN SHE SAID
SHE WAS STAYING BEHIND TO VISIT
THE ZOO.
THAT'S MY FAVORITE NEW EXCUSE
WHEN YOU DON'T WANT TO HANG OUT
WITH SOMEONE.
I'D LOVE TO BUT I HAVE GOT ZOO
STUFF.
DURING A SPEECH IN SOUTH KOREA
PRESIDENT TRUMP WARNED NORTH
KOREA TO NOT UNDER ESTIMATE US
AND DO NOT TRY US.
WHICH SOUNDS TOUGH.
BUT THEN HE IMMEDIATELY LEFT THE
COUNTRY.
IT'S LIKE IF IN BRIV HEART
WILLIAM WALLACE ENDED HIS SPEECH
WITH, AND THEY WILL NEVER TAKE
OUR FREEDOM.
ANYWAY, I GOTTA RUN.
ZOO STUFF.
PEACE.
>>> NORTH KOREA RESPOND CALLING
DONALD TRUMP A LUNATIC YOUNG
MAN.
AND TRUMP RESPONDED SAYING WHY
WOULD THEY CALL ME OLD?
I WOULD NEVER CALL HIM SHORT AND
FAT.
A LOT OF TIMES HE GOES OVER THE
TOP WITH HIS TWEETS.
BUT THIS TIME THAT WAS FUNNY.
LOOK HOW VEIN HE IS.
THEY ARE LIKE A LUNATIC OLD MAN.
AND HE'S LIKE OLD.
PRESIDENT MISS THING ALSO SAID
THIS WEEK'S SHEET SHOOTING IN
TEXAS ISN'T A GUN SITUATION BUT
A MENTAL HEALTH ISSUE AT THE
HIGHEST LEVEL.
BUT WHY CAN'T IT BE BOTH?
WHY CAN'T IT BE THAT BECAUSE WE
HAVE A MENTAL HEALTH PROBLEM WE
NOW HAVE A GUN SITUATION?
JUST LIKE HOW BECAUSE MY LITTLE
COUSIN HAS A CRACK PROBLEM AND
MY AUNT HAS A MISSING SILVERWARE
SITUATION.
>>> A GOOD WEEKEND TO STAY
INSIDE SINCE IT'S 20 DEGREES OUT
AND EVERYONE YOU EVER HEARD IS A
SEX MONSTER.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
ALABAMA REPUBLICAN SENATE
CANDIDATE ROY MOORE HAS BEEN
ACCUSED OF HAVING INAPPROPRIATE
SEXUAL RELATIONS WHEN HE WAS IN
HIS 30s WITH SEVERAL TEENAGE
GIRLS.
NOW, I'M NOT SAYING HE'S GUILTY
BUT HIS NAUGHTY LITTLE COWBOY
OUTFIT IS SCREAMING IT.
HE LOOKS LIKE A GUY WHO SHOWS UP
TO "WESTWORLD" AND HE IS LIKE,
"HEY CAN SOMEONE SHOW ME WHERE
THE MIDDLE SCHOOL IS?"
[ LAUGHTER ]
HOW ARE WE STILL SURPRISED THAT
SOMEONE WHO PUTS
UP THE TEN COMMANDMENTS
EVERYWHERE DOESN'T ACTUALLY
FOLLOW THEM?
WHAT'S NEXT, IT TURNS OUT THE
GUY WHO ALWAYS JOKES ABOUT
MASTURBATING WASN'T ACTUALLY
JOKING ABOUT MASTURBATING?
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> ALL RIGHT.
>> ALABAMA STATE AUDITOR JIM
ZIEGLER SUPPORTED ROY MOORE
USING MARY AND JOSEPH AS
EXAMPLES, SAYING "MARY WAS A
TEENAGER, JOSEPH WAS AN ADULT
CARPENTER.
THEY BECAME PARENTS OF JESUS."
OH, WORD, THAT'S WHAT YOU ARE
GOING WITH?
ROY MOORE WAS TRYING TO MAKE A
JESUS?
SO I GUESS R KELLY WAS JUST
TRYING TO MAKE IT RAIN FOR
40 DAYS AND 40 NIGHTS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>>> WITH THIS UNENDING PARADE OF
SEXUAL ABUSE ALLEGATION IS OF
ACTORS, PRODUCERS AND
POLITICIANS HAVE BEEN BROUGHT TO
LIGHT RECENTLY.
HERE WITH HER ANNUAL SEXUAL
HARASSMENT GUIDELINES SEMINAR IS
CLAIRE FROM HR.
>> HI.
>> HOW ARE YOU DOING, CLAIRE?
I'M SORRY, IS THAT A RECEIPT ON
YOUR NECK?
>> SORRY I WAS JUST GRABBING
LUNCH.
>> YOU WERE GRABBING LUNCH AT
CVS?
>> YEAH IT'S BEEN A CRAZY WEEK.
MY TENTH ONE OF THESE TODAY, AND
I HAVEN'T BEEN HOME IN THREE
DAYS.
I'LL BE SUPER QUICK, I KNOW, I'M
SORRY.
I KNOW YOU GUYS WANT TO GET BACK
TO THE SHOW AND I KNOW YOU KNOW
ALL OF THIS STUFF ANYWAY.
BUT I'M JUST HERE TO DO A LITTLE
QUIZ.
>> OKAY, GREAT.
>> FIRST QUESTION IS ABOUT
OFFICE ROMANCE, NOT A BIG DEAL,
WE KNOW IT ALL HAPPENS.
SO WHAT IS THE APPROPRIATE WAY
TO HANDLE A WORKPLACE
RELATIONSHIP?
A, INFORM SOMEONE AT HR.
B, LOCK HER IN A ROOM AND MAKE
HER LOOK AT IT.
OR C, BULLY HER OUT OF THE
ENTIRE INDUSTRY.
>> I'M GOING TO SAY A.
>> YES, GREAT, OH, GOOD.
YOU GOT IT.
YOU WOULD BE SURPRISED HOW MANY
PEOPLE GET THAT WRONG.
IT COULD ALMOST MAKE YOU LOSE
YOUR MIND.
AHH!
OKAY.
OKAY.
SO THIS NEXT QUESTION IS ABOUT
CONSENT.
OH FUN, AND WE HAVE A VISUAL AID
HERE.
>> OKAY.
>> YOU RUN INTO YOUR COWORKER AT
THE OFFICE.
>> SURE.
>> IS SHE A, GIVING YOU A
SEDUCTIVE LOOK THAT SAYS HEY
COME GET THIS.
B, SHE SAID NO IN THE PAST BUT
THAT LITTLE SKIRT IS SAYING YES,
YES, ME HORNY.
OR C, SHE IS LIVING HER LIFE AND
IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU.
AND THE ANSWER IS?
>> I'M GOING TO SAY C AGAIN.
>> YES, LEAVE HER ALONE.
>> I'M SORRY ARE YOU MAD AT ME.
>> YES, I THINK I ACTUALLY AM A
LITTLE.
IT'S HARD TO EXPLAIN.
OH GOOD, OH THIS IS A NEW ONE WE
APPARENTLY NEED TO DO NOW.
OKAY, READY?
WHEN IS IT OKAY FOR AN ADULT TO
HAVE A SEXUAL RELATIONSHIP WITH
A 14-YEAR-OLD?
A, WHEN SHE IS 14 BUT SHE'S
SMOKING A CIGARETTE.
B, 14, BUT IT'S ALABAMA.
C, 14, BUT YOU ARE GAY NOW, SO
HOORAY, HOW BRAVE.
>> YOU DON'T HAVE TO KEEP GOING.
I'M PRETTY SURE THE ANSWER IS
NEVER.
>> YEAH, WELL, IF IT'S SUCH AN
EASY QUESTION, WHY DOES IT HAVE
TO BE ON THE QUIZ?
>> ARE YOU DRINKING PUREL?
>> YEAH, BECAUSE IT CLEANSES ME
AND GIVES ME A NICE BUZZ.
OH, THIS IS FUN.
THIS NEXT ONE HAS A PROP.
YOU WILL LIKE THIS.
SO THIS IS YOU.
>> THAT'S ME?
>> WELL, IT'S OBVIOUS.
WHEN TALKING TO A COWORKER IN
THE OFFICE WHERE SHOULD YOU KEEP
YOUR PENIS?
>> EXCUSE ME?
>> JUST POINT ON DOLL, WHERE
SHOULD YOUR PENIS BE?
REMEMBER, THERE ARE NO WRONG
ANSWERS.
JUST SUPER WRONG ANSWERS.
>> I WOULD JUST SAY YOU KEEP IT
IN YOUR PANTS.
>> YES.
EXACTLY.
A PENIS NEVER NEEDS TO BE OUT OF
YOUR PANTS AT WORK.
>> IS THAT QUESTION REALLY ON
THE QUIZ?
DOES THAT HELP?
>> YES, COLIN, BECAUSE SOME
PEOPLE NEED IT.
BUT NOT YOU.
YOU PASS.
>> OH, THAT'S SO GREAT.
>> YEAH, YEAH, BUT I WILL
PROBABLY BE BACK NEXT WEEK AND
THE WEEK AFTER THAT FOREVER AND
EVER, BECAUSE THIS ISN'T JUST A
SCANDAL.
IT DIDN'T JUST START THIS WEEK.
IT'S JUST ACTUAL REALITY FOR
HALF OF THE POPULATION.
SO --
>> OKAY.
CLAIRE FROM HR, EVERYBODY.
>> GEORGE, THE TAKAI, NO.
