 
## **Contents**

Title Page

SW Copyright Page

Author Note

Chapter One - Down the Rabbit-Hole

Chapter Two

Chapter Three

Chapter Four - The Rabbit Sends in a Little Bill

Chapter Five - Advice from a Caterpillar

Chapter Six - Pig and Pepper

Chapter Seven - A Mad Tea-Party

Chapter Eight - The Queen's Croquet-Ground

Chapter Nine - The Mock Turtle's Story

Chapter Ten - Who Stole the Tarts?

Chapter Eleven – Alice's Evidence

The Purple Otter gets the Last Word - SW

Afterword

Chapter I - Down the Rabbit-Hole

Chapter II: The Pool of Tears

Chapter III: A Caucus-Race and a Long Tale

Chapter IV: The Rabbit Sends in a Little Bill

Chapter V: Advice from a Caterpillar

Chapter VI: Pig and Pepper

Chapter VII: A Mad Tea-Party

Chapter VIII: The Queen's Croquet-Ground

Chapter IX: The Mock Turtle's Story

Chapter X: The Lobster Quadrille

Chapter XI: Who Stole the Tarts?

Chapter XII: Alice's Evidence
Chasing the White Rabbit -

Original Novella

Xavier P. Otter III

11/26/2014

Published by: Artisan Publishing Guild, LLC

APGuild@outlook.com

Edited by: Adele Symonds

Cover by: Katherine J
Chasing the White Rabbit: Along with Alice's Adventures in Wonderland

Xavier P. Otter III

Copyright 2014 by Artisan Publishing Guild, LLC

Smashwords Edition
Author's Note:

In 1865 'Alice's Adventures in Wonderland' was penned by Charles Dodgson, under the pen name of Lewis Carroll, (to be referred to as Carroll hereafter). This story, the length of a typical novella of today has impacted the world of art and literature far beyond its nearly twenty-eight thousand word length should have allowed. Additionally, 'Alice's Adventures in Wonderland' has made its mark on the world of psychology as well. Entire college courses have been established to analyze the symbolism and meanings of the prose.

The story you are about to read will take a different approach than other author's adaptations. Here, I will attempt to explain why all the discussions surrounding some grand meaning behind 'Alice's Adventures in Wonderland' were quite simply pedantic. Everything that Carroll told in his tale can be explained without all the hoopla and allusion. The character of Alice, an inquisitive child, went off in pursuit of a white rabbit. He, as a rabbit in good standing, attempted to elude her. As rabbits are like to do. This is his tale or his tail's tale perhaps.

It is important to note before we go any further, I have not invented any of the characters in this story. The characters have been fashioned solely from the works of Carroll: 'Alice's Adventures in Wonderland' and 'Through the Looking-Glass' which was written in 1871. The second story is brought up for the reason that I pull in the cross-over characters of Tweedledee and Tweedledum from it. Mainly because they rolled around on my keyboard until I finally acquiesced. The Wasp in the Wig would have also been a cross-over character from the same; had his life not ended at the hands of a vicious editor. Again, the Wasp was also of Carroll's devise. Only true aficionados of 'Through the Looking Glass' will understand what I am referencing regarding the Wasp, but look it up it is an interesting bit of trivia.

Throughout the following story I have included direct quotes from Carroll's 'Alice's Adventures in Wonderland' these quotes are denoted with asterisks (**). As these quotes were in some cases made by the White Rabbit and in other cases to him, I did not modify these snippets in any way. As my wish was to explain why events unfolded as they did, these quotes needed to be captured as they were initially presented. To take it one step further, we have included the entire public domain version of Lewis Carroll's 'Alice's Adventures in Wonderland' as an afterward in this book.

The story, as I said, is an adaptation of 'Alice's Adventures in Wonderland' but was written to stand on its own if you haven't read the original. Although some of the jokes may hit harder if you have read it or if you have watched one of the many movie versions of it.

Please remember this is all meant in fun. If you are starting off by taking offense to the word 'pedantic'... take a deep breath, or a sip of chocolate milk, or quite possibly blow some bubbles in your bubble-hookah, but whatever you do, stop taking yourself so seriously. Because for pitty to pit sake I had the funnerest of the fun timey times writing this, I hope you have fun reading it. I would challenge you to read it aloud, without ignoring the adjective collection.

Finally, the fourth wall will be not only broken in the following reading, it will be demolished completely. And to you my fine Doc... pppppfffffftttttttt!

Xavier P. Otter III

Chapter One - Down the Rabbit-Hole

"Oh what a sunny sun in the sky day," the White Rabbit said to himself as he hopped and bopped. Dipping his head, here and there, to taste the beautifully smelling daisies that were growing on this, not his, side of the hill. Hopping and smelling, hopping and smelly smelling in the afternoon sun.

"Afternoon? Did you just say 'afternoon sun'?" the White Rabbit asks as he stares out at the author. "Oh dear I've done it now with all this tasty tasting you had me doing. Now I shall be late and when I rush my excellently tailored waistcoat will get mussed. Or worse, much worse I may lose my lovely oh so lovely, antique pocket watch as I hoppity hop hop and jumpity jump jump back to my hole." He ponders for a moment and then turns and starts hoppity hop jumping. "I will take the time, precious short time to go around the hill. For I know with most unconfidently confidence that if I had run down the hill the mean writer man would have me tumbling over, under, down and down, thereafter. Ha-ha not this time!" He says poking his little tongue out at the mean writer man.

As he rounds the bottom of the hill he nearly runs into the feet of a giant who is reading a book to a smaller giant. 'One of the girly girl giants is looking at my pretty pink eyes,' he thinks as he glances in her direction. Speeding away he sees the girly-girl giant getting to her feet. 'Oh d-d-dear dear dear' he thinks, having to decide which hole to take he stands up and pulls his lovely antique watch out of his waistcoat pocket. "Excuse me mean writer man, it's an 'excellently tailored' waistcoat pocket, I'd thank you to get that right," Rabbit scolds the mean writer man for his lack of adjective usage. Having to decide which hole to take the White Rabbit stands and takes his lovely antique watch from his excellently tailored waistcoat pocket. "Better."

Turning to see the girly-girl giant heading his way the White Rabbit looks at the watch, *"Oh dear oh dear I shall be late."* He says. Promptly deciding the fasterest fast hole needed to be taken he commits and jumps in. Tumbling slowly he turns in time to see the girly-girl giant take a jar of marmalade from his shelf. 'Ah yes, I needed to buy some more jam.' The girly-girl giant for some reason puts the jar into a cupboard, 'I hope she put the lid on that jar or it will attract flies and flies always drink all my tea over-staying their welcome', he thinks to himself as he tumbles.

As he continues his decent, toward the meadow he hears the girly-girl giant begin making loudness the hall of doors. *"I wonder how many miles I've fallen by this time? I must be getting somewhere near the center of the earth. Let me see: that would be four thousand miles down, I think..."* 'The clever giant was close he thinks, 3963.1676 is the right number of miles, but I would give her that one.' However, when she starts rambling a bit later about the *'Antipathie'* who walk around with their heads down; Rabbit decides to turn around. As he does Rabbit sees her curtsying to no one in particular. At that point he decides the radius to the center of the earth was just a lucky guess.

Quietly they continued to plummet for a fair few moments until the clever-girly-girl giant started to ramble again, this time about bats and cats. 'I am so glad we are almost there this giant is a blithering idiot', he thought to himself just as he landed. He began running around pulling together a pile of leaves for the blithering idiot-clever-girly-girl giant to land in. "Maybe she will leave me alone if I helpity helps her not go squishy squish squish." With that accomplished he began to run to the hall of doors just as he heard the soft landing of the blithering idiot-clever-girly-girl giant. *"Oh my ears and whiskers, how late it's getting." He said as he rounded the corner to the room.

'Jump on the table get the goo drink the goo, the goo, the goo, eww eww why can't they put less pineapple and roast turkey and more of the cherry tart in this cherry-tart, custard, pineapple, roast turkey, toffee, and hot buttered toast bottle of 'Drink Me'?' As he shrunk he stepped over the tiny golden key and hid behind a vase containing a single orange flower and there he watched quietly as the blithering idiot-clever-girly-girl giant removes the tiny golden key off the little three legged glass table. As he watches her walk around the room checking the tiny golden key in each of the doors he thinks, 'I am going to have to help this silly giant find the little door.' He hopped over and put the bottle of cherry-tart, custard, pineapple, roast turkey, toffee and hot buttered toast 'Drink Me' back in the middle of the little three legged glass table ran to the edge of the little three legged glass table and jumped.  'Weeeee I love jumping off the little three legged glass table when I am SO small...' He runs to the little door hidden behind the curtain and uncovers it so the silly-blithering idiot-clever-girly-girl giant can see where the key belongs. "I recommend changing, silly-blithering idiot-clever to just simple. But I will not fix your ramblings again!" Rabbit said.

On her second pass around the room the simple-girly-girl giant, "Better," the White Rabbit says, giving the mean author man affirmation for the change. The simple-girly-girl giant notices the little door and moments later she's looking through the little door looking at the loveliest garden, almost stepping on him in the process. 'Holy bunny beans she doesn't see me down here,' he thinks as he scampers for cover under the three legged glass table and waits until she walks away from the little door. 'This is taking too longity long, longer than a late bunny has time to wait. I shouldn't have helped the taking too long giant, will I ever learn?' Standing again he puts his paws in his excellently tailored waist coat pockets. Leaning against one of the legs on the three legged glass table while he waits he feels his lovely antique watch in one pocket and a tiny golden key of his very own and his little glass box of currant accented, 'Eat Me' in the other.

'She is finally getting up from the door my chance chika ta chance. I don't need to use my very own tiny golden key she left the little door open.' Pulling his paws from his pockets he heard a tinkle, 'what was that?' Reaching into one of his pockets he feels his lovely antique watch, "I am late!" he exclaims as he runs to the little door. 'Oh my goodness it's late... really late but the clothes still the not in right clothes... oh dear... thru the little bittle... thru and shut must the shut little door must must... Oh this is such a small rat-hole sized passageway...'
Chapter Two

After emerging from the small rat-hole sized passage into the loveliest garden, the White Rabbit thought, 'off to my neat little house with a marvelous front door with its bright brass plate which my name is engraved upon.' And this is what he did, he ran straight to his neat little house with a marvelous front door with its bright brass plate which his name is engraved upon in order to change from his still 'the not right clothes' into the proper apparel for the rest of his day. It was while he was removing his waist... "Ahem!" the White Rabbit interjected. It was while he was removing his excellently tailored waist coat that he exclaimed, "The little glass box of currant accented 'Eat Me', I has lost, l-l-lost it! Oh biscuits and blithers I must the must go back to the back at the front, to see if I can find it here when I am there." He started to hop ferociously from his changing room. It was then he realized he was as naked as a bunny on birthing day. "Rather amicable of you to not embarrass me running outside like this." The White Rabbit said to the amicable-mean author man.

After he finished getting dressed and putting his lovely antique watch into one pocket and the tiny golden key of his very own into the other he started to run back to the hall of doors; stopping briefly to grab the white kid gloves and the fan from his mirror stand in the entryway. With his paws full, he had to run from an upright position which didn't allow him to proceed at his best pace. "I can still run faster than an old fatty fat author man!" White Rabbit said incredulously. "Besides, I have super-luper-duper dress clothes on; I wouldn't want to ruin them by hoppity hopping into a Briar Patch." A bit of time later he got back to the small rat-hole sized passage which led to the little door in the hall of doors.

He opened the little door quietly and walked into a seemingly empty room. 'Where did this not there before lake come from?' Deciding to not chance his super-luper-duper dress clothes he started to make his way around the not there before lake. Heading for the little three legged glass table to try to find the little glass box of currant accented 'Eat Me' he had lost. *"Oh! The Duchess, the Duchess! Oh! Won't she be savage if I've kept her waiting?"* Not seeing the little glass box of currant accented 'Eat Me', he decided the tinkle he heard there must have been something else so he gave up and started back to the loveliest garden.

*"If you please sir,"* the previously unseen taking too long- simple-girly-girl giant said.

'She's had gotten giantier', White Rabbit thought covering his ears and he violently scurried away from the overpowering voice; in the process he sent his white kid gloves and fan tumbling to the ground. He bolted straight from the room and ran into a mouse who tumbled head long toward the not there before lake. Rabbit then paused briefly to close the door...

"The little door." The White Rabbit reminded the old-fatty-fat-amicable-mean author man. Rabbit then paused briefly to close the little door behind him. "Adjectives are important you know." He said, as he proceeded through the small rat-sized passage into the loveliest garden. He continued to hoppity hop rushity running away from the overpowering sounds that boomed from giantier-taking too long- simple-girly-girl giant. Reaching the loveliest garden was like reaching Avalon until... plow bam, the White Rabbit hopped directly into a group that was traveling together. This group, which was made up of a Dodo, a Lory, an Eaglet and a Duck had been talking festively about a new lake in the region when the crash occurred.

"I say Rabbit, what is it that allows you to believe you can crash into a group of travelers?" The Dodo chided.

"Come again? I didn't think..." The White Rabbit started.

"Don't take that tone!" The Duck said interrupting. "How can you possibly excuse your behavior? He..." at this point the Duck pointed to the Eaglet. "Is a baby. And he..." altering the direction his wing was now pointing to the Dodo. "Is an extinct creature. And he..." Now pointing at the Lory. "Is the most ostentatious, flamboyant, kenspeckle, garish bird in all of Wonderland, possibly even Australia. How could you have not noticed him?" The Duck asked.

"He is blue, gray and green? Besides I didn't think..." Rabbit started again.

"And he..." The Dodo said interrupting rather pompously. "is a Duck! And my friend the Lory is red, yellow, blue, green, orange, white, and purple."

"I sea I saw I didn't saw that, thank you." The White Rabbit replied.

"My friends, I had heard rabbits can only see blue and green colored hues. Forgive him." The Lory said.

"I apologize honestly, fully, unfully, I had gotten spooked and was violently scurrying toward away from the spooky spooker." The White Rabbit explained.

"Excuses are like armadillos... Everyone has one." The Eaglet said.

"What?" The Rabbit, Duck, and Lory all asked.

"Dear Eaglet, while I appreciate your effort; that was not a proper analogy." The Dodo said.

"Yes it was! Technically most have two and a lot have four." The Eaglet said, after which he pointed under his wing.

"You mean arm pits!" The Dodo said.

"That's what I said." The Eaglet replied.

"Actually you... Never mind." Rabbit said. "I really need to excuse myself."

"So long as you do not plan on running over any other travelers to the new lake," the Dodo said.

"I will look out for them." The White Rabbit replied.

"Be on your way then." The Duck Said. 
Chapter Three

As Rabbit started to leave the Dodo, Eaglet, Lory and Duck he looked over at the loveliest garden, later, he thinks longingly. He then heads off toward his neat little house with a marvelous front door that has a bright brass plate which his name is engraved upon, as it was the most direct path to the open place with a little house where Duchess lived. The sunny sun in the sky day was still captivating, yet rabbit knew he had a lot to take care of today. 'The Duchess, The Hatter, and then the Queen,' he thought in a loop which was only broken by the delightful musing of eating daisies on the hill. "I already did that!" Rabbit said angrily at himself as he continued on his trek. As the woods closed in, giving a narrow corridor, the fast-paced rabbit came upon a wasp flying low under the tree tops.

As Rabbit attempted to hop under the Wasp, a particularly low series of tree tops came along and the Wasp flew lower to avoid them. The series of events that unfolded next started with a plait of long yellow synthetic hairs appearing and then entangling in Rabbit's ears. "I say there sir, your yellow synthetic hair has tangled with my ears." The White Rabbit said as his front feet left the ground. "Seriously, if you could come a bit closer to the ground, this is quite uncomfortable." The wasp continued to fly along. "Wasp! Hello there Wasp!" Rabbit yelled and yelled looking up at the flying ant-like insect that seemed to only be paying attention to the on-coming branches.

They reached a bend in the path and surprised the two oncoming figures as they entered the same narrow pathway from the open place. The White Rabbit crashed headlong into the Gryphon having been dragged uncontrollably by the Wasp and the fake hair from the bright yellow wig he wore. The same hair also pulled the Wasp from the air directly into the Mock Turtle who at that moment had been telling a jovial tale and laughing. After the Gryphon and the White Rabbit untangled themselves they stood up. "What in the name of blessed waterspouts were you paragliding from a wasp for?" The Gryphon asked.

"I hadn't intended on it. My ears got entangled with his wig." The White Rabbit said in derision.

"Why did you pull me out of the sky? These old bones are not meant to crash into a prehistoric giant platypus." The Wasp said groaning in pain.

"I am a M-M-M-Mock Turtle." The laughter from a few moments ago turned now into tears.

"My friend what is wrong?" The Gryphon asked as he ran over to the Mock Turtle.

"I may have bit and stung and then bit him again; when I crashed into him." The Wasp said flipping the tangled mess of a wig back between his wings.

"May have?" The Gryphon asked.

"Ok, I most certainly did! Well I thought I was being attacked, didn't I?" The Wasp said defensively.

"How can I teach my derision lesson today? I can't stop crying." The Mock Turtle said with huge tears running down his face.

"My brother I am certain you can do it," the Gryphon said producing a bright yellow handkerchief from a pocket. (The exact location of said pocket will forever be a mystery as neither lions nor eagles have them, still he produced a bright yellow handkerchief.)

"Actually you should give that to Wasp, it matches his hair perfectly." The Mock Turtle said and then turned to the Wasp. "And it may help you keep your wig from tangling on other rabbits' ears." The Wasp took it and tied it under his chin.

"I am sorry my fellows but I have to continue on my way." The White Rabbit said putting his lovely antique watch back into the pocket from which it had fallen from during the collision. He then felt his other pocket for the tiny golden key of his very own. Patting himself down he suddenly realized he was missing something; he started looking around the grounds where they stood.

"Something wrong there Rabbit?" The Gryphon said looking up from consoling the still crying Mock Turtle.

"I lost something," he replied.

"What is it that you lost?" The Wasp asked.

"I don't clear know the sure be." The White Rabbit said.

"I can't help you find that which you don't know what it is you lost." Wasp said, wincing as he brushed himself off and flew away pain and all.

"I need to circle back, to figure out what I may unfound or unlost it would be at then." Rabbit said as he turned around and retraced his steps only this time he did it at triple time hopper bopper hops. After minutes he got to the house that was next door to his neat little house with a marvelous front door with its bright brass plate which his name is engraved upon. The enormous puppy came up to greet him with a series of yips and playful growls.

"Where is your stick to throw and fetch? I have no time to fetch the throw it right now though." Rabbit said, as he hopped around the enormous puppy who had gotten down on his front paws while his bottom stayed quite up with tail wagging away. "I know that look..." the White Rabbit started, as the puppy leapt into the air. "Oh my super-luper-duper nice clothes!" Rabbit said as he successfully dodged enormous puppy's playful jumping. "Oh pity for sake day going couldn't worse!" He said continuing to jumpity jump and dodge oh so close but clear, until he reached the throwing biting stick holding it aloft. "Here's you stick, get the stick bite go go go..." he yelled as he threw the stick. When the enormous puppy went after the stick it seemed to White Rabbit a good opportunity to make a clean escape; setting off in the direction of the small rat-sized passage.

A few hops and bops, jumps and strumps later he realized why it took him so much additional time to get here the earlier, his hands had been full. "Oh dear me dear dear, it was the loss of my white kid lost gloves and fan! I remember dropping them by the not-there-before lake." The White Rabbit said. "Had I thought to remember before when I was closer to my charming house, could I have hopped up the stairs to the tidy little room with a table in the window from which taken could I another pair of white kid gloves and fan. Barfly boots, close already to unfound them I am, onward shall go to look shall I."
Chapter Four - The Rabbit Sends in a Little Bill

Hopping briskly back to the little door into the hall of doors with hopes of finding his white kid gloves and the fan that he had dropped when the giantier-taking too long- simple-girly-girl giant tried to explode his sensitive ear drums. "Sensitive? My ears are not sensitive! Bonnets and stars are long, they direct the preposterously loud sound right down in, in and in squiggle and in, the sound just booms the drums the drums in my ears." Having cleared that up for old-fatty-fat-amicable-mean author man Rabbit realizes he is close to the place where the small rat-hole size passage used to be. "Used to be? Oh explanation and curiosity the lake was tears, tears, a boogle of bangles of tears from a distraught giant that can be the only explanation for the hall of doors to be gone, lavender and gone." He said quietly as he approached the changed landscape.

As he trotted slowly up looking here and there for the dropped white kid gloves and fan his hand brushed on his lovely antique watch and his mind flew to the Duchess. *"The Duchess! Oh my dear paws! Oh my fur and whiskers! She'll get me executed, as sure as ferrets are ferrets! Where CAN I have dropped them, I wonder?"* He continued to walk around the field looking here and there, pansy and whoa for his lost articles, until he came across the distraught-giantier- taking too long- simple-girly-girl giant who appeared to also be... "Are you bottles and chaff stupid, that's not the girly girl giant, that's Mary Ann my housemaid." He said scolding the bottles and chaff stupid-old-fatty-fat-amicable-mean author man for his inability to see the difference between a giant and a housemaid.

The White Rabbit continued to search for the lost articles as he called out in an angry tone, *"Why, Mary Ann, what ARE you doing out here? Run home this moment, and fetch me a pair of gloves and a fan! Quick, now!"* Following his chiding the Mary Ann-distraught-giantier- taking too long- simple-girly-girl giant ran off in the direction of his charming-neat little... "Ahem!" Mary Ann ran in the direction of his charming-neat little house with a marvelous front door with its bright brass plate which his name is engraved upon. He continued to search hither and dither, highway and byway as well as Meryl and Haggard, still there were no signs of the lost white kid gloves or the fan.

"Yer Honor." The Dodo said quietly.

"Yes, what, who?" Rabbit said turning around quickly.

"Are you still calling for Mary Ann?" The Dodo said.

"Yes of course, as I said less than two-hundred words ago, she is my house maid." The White Rabbit replied peevishly.

"You do recall firing her, aye? She hasn't been in Wonderland in months." The Dodo reminded him.

"Oh, that's right... But it flows out so well, for that alone I shouldn't have fired her."

"She stole your entire tithe!" Dodo said. (Explained later, read on.)

"Sure right, that's remembered." Rabbit said. Having given up ever finding the lost articles the White Rabbit traded his conservative approach and slow travel for the faster hopping speed to his charming-neat little house with a marvelous front door with its bright brass plate which his name is engraved upon. Arriving at the marvelous front door with its bright brass plate which his name is engraved upon he stood and beckoned loudly, *"Mary Ann! Mary Ann! Fetch me my gloves this moment!"* Hearing nothing, 'I know hearing nothing from a person that isn't and hasn't been here in months is understandable, but whatever.' At that moment he notices what appeared to be the entire house shaking; he resolutely walked up the stairs and attempted to open the marvelous front door with its bright brass plate which his name is engraved upon. Yet it did not budge. 'Did I remember not locking the door when I left?' *"Then I'll go round and get in at the window."*

Traveling around to the side window the White Rabbit carefully stepped around the climate boxes for his vegetables. 'All the time, precious little time I diddled go vroom to build these beautiful cucumber frames,' he thought as he looked at the humidity on the inside of the glass knowing the cucumbers would be ready soon. When at last he got to the window he opened it and started to climb in. 'Oh such a blast of wind blows the wind and the bunny through the air and the wind and the crash.' He thought as he tumbled through the air landing on one of his beautiful cucumber frames. 'I will need help to get the help out to before the through.' An angry White Rabbit thought as he attempted and failed to free himself from the glass, falling instead into a second beautiful cucumber frame, *"Pat! Pat! Where are you?"* He yelled to his handy-Pat helper.

*"Sure then I'm here! Digging for apples, yer honor!"* Came the voice from around the back of the house.

*"Digging for apples, indeed! Here! Come and help me out of THIS!"* The White Rabbit was at this point steaming mad as Pat came to assist him to get out of the broken frame, glass and squished vegetables. 'What a queer sort of creature you are, Pat... I cannot describe as anything other than a Pat, an androgynous creature so ill-suited for words that no one ever used any on you.' Rabbit thought in sympathy as Pat assisted him. *"Now tell me, Pat, what's that in the window?"* Pointing his paw at the open window as he put his lovely antique watch back in his pocket.

*"Sure, it's an arm, yer honor!"* Pat said.

*"An arm, you goose! Who ever saw one that size? Why, it fills the whole window!"* The White Rabbit said, as he felt the tiny golden key of his very own in his other pocket. His fear was realized, the Mary Ann- distraught-giantier- taking too long- simple-girly-girl giant had taken up residence in his charming-neat little house with a marvelous front door with its bright brass plate which his name is engraved upon. 'Bits and bibbles, kahnats and gahnights I need my white so pretty white kiddy did kid gloves and fancy fiddle fan that giant is most definitely laying on,' he thought, shaking in disgust.

*"Sure, it does, yer Honor: but it's an arm for all that."* Pat said calmly shooing away a fly that circled not knowing whether to land and bite or land and lay eggs upon the entity it had found.

*"Well, it's got no business there, at any rate: go and take it away!"* Rabbit said with as much anger toward Pat's nonchalant manner at seeing an arm taking up an entire window box as he was for the arm being there at all. "Gettie get get go go on."

*"Sure, I don't like it, yer honour, at all, at all!"* Pat said standing up to his/her completely nondescript height.

*"Do as I tell you, you coward!"* White Rabbit said with both, not sensitive, ears visibly shaking "They are not," he says as he reaches up to still the shaking ears. As he did, another burst of wind from the Mary Ann-distraught-giantier- taking too long-simple-girly-girl giant's arm blew both Rabbit and Pat tumbling through the air. 'Miss my wonderfully useful cucumber boxes, ple-ple-ple-ple-please...' Crash shatter boom. 'Four d-do-d-down,' "Billiard Buzzards." White Rabbit exclaimed as he worked his way out from the remains of his wonderfully useful-beautiful cucumber box.

"Yer Honor, there's Guinea pigs about!" A lizard named Bill said from the hedge he had been working in.

"Thank you Bill, you are correct there is no cause for such language, especially in front of Guinea pigs. Pat, take these Guinea pigs and fetch ladders, at once." Rabbit said regaining his authoritative edge. Pat turned and ran signaling for the Guinea pigs to follow, White Rabbit once again put his lovely antique watch into one pocket and verified that the tiny golden key of his very own was in fact still in the other, it was. 'Bloppy baggerman if I can't, yes, I can't get my white kid gloves and fan, I can't go to work without, well I could, I would most certainly be shorter to the tune of ears, head, whiskers and all shorter most for sure certain.' He thought along with many other self-deprecating admonishments until he was quite truly cowed. 'Cowed indeed.' He thought. "Here comes the little cart with wheels and pull and push and ladder only one climb up and see ladder won't do the did and reach the roof." He watched the little cart with wheels as it got close enough to question. *"Where's the other ladder?"*

*"Why, I hadn't to bring but one; Bill's got the other"* the shorter of the Guinea pigs said.

*"Bill! fetch it here, lad!"* White Rabbit encouraged. 'I don't ge-ge-get why things aren't obvious to other yes others that should know one isn't ladders.' Rushing to get ahead of the ladders he ran to the corner by the front of the house. *"Here, put 'em up at this corner."* Nearly falling over with disgust as the two ladders were stood up next to each other, and reached almost half way up to the roof. *"No, tie 'em together first"*

*"They don't reach half high enough yet!"* Bill said looking up at the roofline.

*"Oh! they'll do well enough; don't be particular!"* Rabbit said shaking his head. "For pity pit pit sake you're a lizard." Rabbit said as Bill scampered up the ladders with two chittering Guinea pigs on his tail. No really, they were holding his tail. *"Here, Bill! Catch hold of this rope."* He yelled throwing a coil of rope up as high as he could.

*"Will the roof bear?"* Rabbit heard the Guinea pig nearer the end of the tail ask.

*"Mind that loose slate."* The other Guinea pig said. Followed quickly by a *"Oh, it's coming down! Heads below!"* White Rabbit gave a mighty hop and ended up under the ladder as the slate from the roof took out two more of his wonderfully useful-beautiful cucumber boxes. "Blurford Buttons!" he said under his breath.

"Yer Honor!" Bill said, apparently Rabbit's breath was not nearly 'under' enough for the lizard's hearing.

"Sorry!" Rabbit replied. *"Now, who did that?"* He asked shaking off the rebuke.

*"It was Bill, I fancy."* One of the Guinea pigs said. This comment was followed by some unintelligible arguing from the roof and then... *"Who's to go down the chimney?"*

*"Nay, I shan't! YOU do it!"* Bill's voice stuck out of the din.

*"That I won't, then!"* a nondescript Guinea pig voice said.

*"Bill's to go down!"* White Rabbit shouted up to the roof. 'Roof and the chimney and chimney and roof, boots and pallets I am so late. Look at all the people watching, how emba imba embarrassing!' Rabbit thought trying to hide behind the ladder.

*"Here, Bill! The master says you're to go down the chimney!"* The other Guinea pig verbalized with pleasure. As time passed the shadow of Bill climbing on top of and then down the chimney played out like a shadow box theatre across his yard. No sooner had his shadow disappeared into the chimney when it was jettisoned out again. *"There goes Bill!"* Two voices from the roof said in unison.

*"Catch him, you by the hedge!"* Rabbit yelled to the spectators that had gathered to watch. "Oh Blibity Buffalo Buttons!" White Rabbit said as the crowd made no effort to intercept the now falling Bill.

"Yer H-h-h-hon-n-n-n-n-nor-r-r-r-r-r!" Bill exclaimed from his downward trajectory.

'Oh for pity vicious luscious delicious sake!' Rabbit thought as Ramma-lamma smash, Bill landed across the two remaining wonderfully useful-beautiful cucumber boxes. Before Rabbit could move, the Guinea pigs were down the ladder and at Bill's side. *"'Hold up his head!"* White Rabbit ordered running up and removing a jug with three Xs from the little cart with wheels. *"Brandy now,"* Rabbit said, handing the jug to Pat, who had suddenly reappeared after being lost from the scene.

*"Don't choke him!"* Pat instructed as if this were an everyday event. *"How was it, old fellow? What happened to you? Tell us all about it!"* Pat said with concern.

*"Well, I hardly know."* Bill started than waved off the jug. *"No more, thank ye; I'm better now...but I'm a deal too flustered to tell you...all I know is, something comes at me like a Jack-in-the-box, and up I goes like a sky-rocket!"* Bill took a deep breath.

*"So you did, old fellow!"* Each of the spectators replied full of smiles in their voices.

'Sure now they get involved... Smiles in their voices? Oh so strange and awkward a round and over statement was that.' White Rabbit thought wonderingly about the mental acuity of the bottles and chaff stupid-old-fatty-fat-amicable-mean author man. *"We must burn the house down!"* Rabbit shouted raising a paw into the air. 'Where did that come from, who is what wrong thing did I just say? Burn down my own house?'

*"If you do. I'll set Dinah at you!"* Came the booming voice from the Mary Ann-distraught-giantier-taking too long-simple-girly-girl giant inside his charming-neat little house with a marvelous front door with its bright brass plate which his name is engraved upon.

"What's a Dinah?" the Guinea pigs asked in horror.

"A Dinah is a beaver that eats the flamingo's brine!" Pat said.

"Then burning the house will not do at all, we must poison the Dinah first! Beavers have an affinity for little pebble cakes." Rabbit said.

"Yes but they don't live after they get their fill. Good plan your honor!" Pat replied.

*"A barrowful will do, to begin with."* The White Rabbit said pointing to the little cart with wheels and then to a large pile of little pebble cakes. "Everyone get a handful." He ordered after the little cart with wheels was under the wheels and they threw all the little pebble cakes though the window.

When the deafening shout of, *"you'd better not do that again!"* came from the Mary Ann-distraught-giantier-taking too long-simple-girly-girl giant, everyone ran back up to the hedge where poor Bill sat quietly. A short period of time elapsed and the Mary Ann-distraught-giantier-taking too long-simple-girly-girl giant's arm disappeared from the window.

"Long runs on short roads, I can get my white kid gloves and fan now!" White Rabbit said as he hippity hop hopper bopped up to the house and through the window. As he entered he saw his marvelous front door with its bright brass plate which his name is engraved upon closing. He hopped up the stairs to the tidy little room with a table in the window. He promptly grabbed the white kid gloves and fan off his table in the window and rushed faster than he dared in his super-luper-duper dress clothes. When he saw the Mary Ann-distraught-giantier-taking too long-simple-girly-girl giant... "She's not giant now!" the White Rabbit said, once again correcting the bottles and chaff stupid-old-fatty-fat-amicable-mean author man. When he saw the not giant now-Mary Ann-distraught-giantier-taking too long-simple-girly-girl giant playing sticks with the enormous puppy that lived next door White Rabbit took his chance to dash ahead! 'Ideas and thoughts of ideas and before the idea the notion of a thought I have it!' He thought as he put his hop into overdrive. While the bottles and chaff-stupid-old-fatty-fat-amicable-mean author man considered it, he did not write in a bramble growing in his way.
Chapter Five - Advice from a Caterpillar

"Oh how nice to be rid of this early afternoon I shan't miss it a lick, but to miss when you lick is quite dim witted indeed." White Rabbit hopped and bopped and freedily dum dee ayed. "I shall sharpen my wit as I see fit, with the one that dances with a hookah all day." And with that in mind he targeted the mushroom patch where he knew his friend would be. When he arrived at the patch he began a series of high short jumps to see the tops of the mushrooms, eventually finding the Caterpillar's exact Mushroom. Arriving there he did a double jump with a pirouette, landing gracefully next to his friend.

"HHHHelllllo." The Caterpillar said through the cloud of smoke that lazily floated in the air betwixt them.

"You're gonna pull that word this early?" White rabbit says looking away from the Caterpillar.

"WHHHHoooo are you addressing?" Caterpillar asked.

"Not important. I need to..." Rabbit started.

"Important to say important indeed, I method and reason can't abide. You looked off that way and me heard not a hey, but made a comment my dear guide. So I can't move on you see." Caterpillar scolded.

"I don't see." White Rabbit replied.

"I like that retort." Caterpillar said.

"Have it then, my gift to the day. Now I need to..." he started again.

"But WHHHHoooo were you addressing?" The Caterpillar asked, cutting off the Rabbit again.

'Oh breatily boot I left my tithe in my daintily constructed stash box!' The White Rabbit thought as he felt something new appear in his pocket. 'Well such an omnipresent one you are.' Rabbit reached into his pocket and pulled out a brand of tobacco that he had never encountered. 'Mind-reader brand: To know what they think when it matters'. He presented the bag to the Caterpillar to load into his hookah. A moment later the smoke had changed from white to a dull kaleidoscope effect of awesomeness.

"You've been talking to the person that is writing this story; a cheeky bugger to be sure, attempting to spin something so many others haven't, from a tale that has been told too many times already. You need me to slow the giant that has been pursuing and persecuting you through Wonderland." The Caterpillar articulated with no long phrasing or emphasis on odd syllables. "Well if you wanted me to speak normally, dolt, write it that way." The Caterpillar chided, leaving the omnipresent-bottles and chaff-stupid-old-fatty-fat-amicable-mean author man feeling worse than when he read his first one star review from J. Schmidt (Maryland). "Ok I was going for the first three star review you got from Joseph Short (Lynchburg, VA USA) who dinged you for putting a not-properly edited manuscript out for the world to admonish." The Caterpillar consoled. "I mean he helped, as you listened and produced a better product for the world to ignore."

"Please stop talking to the cheeky author man." The White Rabbit said.

"I wILlll now that I kNOw WHHHoooo you were addrESSSsssing. How shall I delay a giant?" The Caterpillar asked.

"She is the currently is not the giant size so you needn't afraid frayed fraying flag blowing in the wind you be you." Rabbit said bouncing toe to toe.

"Whhhooo is afraid?" The Caterpillar pondered.

"Neither nither not us." Rabbit answered.

"But HHHHHHHhow shall I delay the chasing girl?" The Caterpillar asked.

*"You are old, Father William."* The White Rabbit said.

"I beg your PARdon? Do I look like a member of the cLERgy? Or your PaReNt? Is there a chance I am any older than youuuuuu? And have you ever heard anyone cALL me Willlllllllliam." The Caterpillar replied in complete confusion.

"Member of the clergy? Not a chickita chance. My parent? Odd q-q-question but when you had on those bunny ears last Halloween you kinda looked like my Poppy hoppy papa, but no. Older than me? You most certainly are not. Have I heard any one call you William? Well, I was speaking about the poem 'You are old, Father William'*... Silly Willy! Make her recite it and then give her a critique..." The White Rabbit said with the wink of a pink eye. "Adjectives, Adjectives, Adjectives! Pretty pink eye!" The Rabbit corrected the cheeky-omnipresent-bottles and chaff-stupid-old-fatty-fat-amicable-mean author man for the umpteenth time.

"That is a good plan old friend." The Caterpillar said.

"So you can help me then?" The White Rabbit asked.

"I cAnnnnn and will." Caterpillar said. That being said and all being done Rabbit hopped down from the Mushroom but as he started to gain speed he stepped on a worm and he stutter stepped and only just caught his balance.

"You prat!" The mother Pigeon yelled from on high as she flew promptly to the ground. "I have been waiting for that worm to show himself all day. I went up to make certain no serpents were bothering my eggs only just, and you murdelized it!"

"You can still eat it, I only broke it in half..." The White rabbit started.

"Oh and I suppose you are going to eat the cucumbers that Bill's butt squished?" She asked.

"Well that's different, it was more than his butt there are glass shards and..."

"Oh and I am supposed to know where your feet have been or who else you stepped in?" Mother pigeon continued.

'Oh badger beats I wish she would shut up so I can leave I am so far past late I'm quite nearly early again.' The White Rabbit thought.

"He wants you to shut up." The Caterpillar said from the mushroom.

"Oh he does, does he?" The mother Pigeon asked, placing her wings on her hips.

'Do pigeons have hips?' Rabbit thought

"Now he is wondering if you have hips!" Caterpillar said.

"That is none of your dern business!" The Mother Pigeon said, so embarrassed that her cheeks had turned nearly the same color as a robin's chest.

'Why would her cheeks turn orange?' Rabbit thought getting quite confused by the direction the cheeky-omnipresent-bottles and chaff-stupid-old-fatty-fat-amicable-mean author man was going.

"He is currently wondering why you don't have a chest like a robin." The Caterpillar said, quite enjoying himself.

"I wasn't thinking that at all! Caterpillar you are not helping," Rabbit replied.

"I didn't really think that is what I was trying to do when I said..."

"Please both of you shutily, shut and do not allow them to open again your hole, your orifice, your mouth on your face." The White Rabbit said rather anti-perfunctorily. "Madame there is a serpent chasing me it will be after your eggs, be warned it shall attempt to deceive you by saying it is other than a serpent but an egg eating serpent it is!!!" he said in his most foreboding voice, one could hear the dun dun dahh, after he finished! At that, mother Pigeon headed up to her nest, the rabbit wiped the worm guts from his foot and the Caterpillar reloaded his hookah.

Chapter Six - Pig and Pepper

He ran at a rigorously tornemptous pace (like a contemptuous tornado) to get here before there when the open place with a little house, finally presented itself in a song. As pretty a song you've heard yet the White Rabbit refuses to share it with us. He stood back up on his rear legs and walked at a pace that was befitting a rabbit of his station. The frog that sat on the stoop had magisterial spots. As he walked closer the White Rabbit found himself entranced with the pareidolic imagery within the afore mentioned spots; until it dawned on him to ask a question. "Where is your livery?"

"Fastidious fellow aren't you?" The Frog replied.

"Fastidious indeed. It's your post, your wig is amiss as well and in late afternoon... for what reason?" The Rabbit asked.

"Mainly because the hoity toity little metaphor for adulthood didn't show up until, oh, late afternoon. Besides that I don't need it until you leave so Fish can deliver the invitation." The Frog said.

"Well get onity on on down on with it then." The Rabbit said crossing his arm and tapping his foot on the walk. The frog contemplated waiting him out but knew this was a flyless effort so he got up and started to leave. "Frog did you know you have our blessed mother on your back?"

"Sure, cost me five hundred Quid down Walkers Court in Soho." The Frog said continuing to walk away.

"Wait, it's a tattoo?" The Rabbit asked shocked.

"Yeah what you make me for? A pool frog? I'm a rana ridibunda, we have no spots." He said once again turning to leave.

"You're a Marsh frog but Marsh frogs are quite rare, why would you doll up to look like a pool frog?" The White Rabbit asked.

"Well, to be honest, when I started getting these," The Frog indicated the tattoos. "They were the endangered ones and I thought these tattoos would help me get on with a good house. Flibbity gibbet and Bob's your uncle it flip-flopped and non-spotted frogs are in favor and me all tatted up. If I think on it too much I get collywobbles don't I?" The Frog really did leave this time.

'Oh bisects, bits and bobs the Duchess is going to oh, the soup the soup bowl too I need to go in the inns but the inn without out the doorman, can't be the do the door without the is just a house.' He thought as he waited ringing his paws unconsciously. "No actually they itch and I wasn't ringing them I was scratching."

"Who are you talkin' at? Are you barmy?" The Frog asked walking up in proper livery.

"No, I am not barmy. I was talking to him." The Rabbit pointed his head at the cheeky-omnipresent-bottles and chaff- stupid-old-fatty-fat-amicable-mean author man.

"Seriously? Him?" The Frog asked. Before he answered Frog, the White Rabbit checked the time on his watch.

"Lovely antique watch, thank you!" The Rabbit had to once again remind the cheeky-omnipresent-bottles and chaff- stupid-old-fatty-fat-amicable-mean author man the proper use of adjectives. Before he answered the Frog, the White Rabbit checked the time on his lovely antique watch. "Yes really." The Rabbit said to a Frog that was looking in the sky. "What are you looking at?"

"Him..." the Frog said in revelry.

"Oh get the door." Which he did, not taking his eyes off the sky. "If you stay here long enough maybe he will talk to you as well." The White Rabbit whispered to Frog as he opened the door.

"Announcing his Honor the White Rabbit," the Frog said nearly closing the Rabbit's tail in the door.

"Oh thank goodness it's you. It has felt like the soup has been cooking hours longer than it needed to and Cookie is getting cross from having to stir it. Of course baby stays on my right side until you get here and I switch to the left so I am not too lopsided. And the cat, stupid precocious cat went and got himself into the superglue. Now he looks a damn site foolish because he ended up gluing the outsides of his upper lips to his temples." The Duchess said without taking a breath.

"Should anyone ask about the cat tell them he is from Cheshire and that's all the rage." The Rabbit said looking at the pretentious feline.

"Like anyone would believe that," the Cheshire cat purred or growled it could have been either.

"And miss; the more rude you are about it the more likely they will be to believe it. Besides he is a magical Cheshire Cat in sooth." Rabbit said bending over to taste the soup, dodging Cookies stirring arm and noticing that the one arm was quite nearly twice the size of the other. "Needs pepper, full Monty, this soup has no flavor." He started to hop away but decided to ask, "Why do you only stir with one arm?"

"This arm is stuck like this and I don't want the other one to end up this way." She stopped stirring just long enough to show him that, indeed, her left arm was completely stuck with her elbow crooked at a ninety degree angle.

"Oh dear, that is bad, but if you stir with the other arm and practice throwing with the arm that is stuck, I am most assuredly certain you will be able to break it free again." The White Rabbit said as he hopped over and took the baby from Duchess. 'Sleepity sleeper the baby is out; I am the will and give her a different baby to take. The pigity piglets have been pushingling the runter runty piglet he could use some teat time indeed.' So the White Rabbit put the baby in the crib and reached out the window grabbing the runt of the litter. He put it on the washing table and set about cleaning, oiling, powdering and diapering the runty little thing. As he fastened the baby pin he noticed a set of eyes staring down from the shelf over the changing table. "Oh don't you start!" The Rabbit said to the set of cat's eyes that must have been able to read rabbit lips for he was gifted with a wink in reply.

When piggy runt was ready Rabbit swaddled it and took it back into the other room, there he gave it back to the Duchess to nurse. He walked back to the kitchen to find the cat attempting to pull his lips down from his temples. "You really should leave it; you actually look better that way. It is rather mischievous." The Rabbit said winking his pretty pink eye at the pretentious feline as he took the pepper down. He turned in the direction of the soup with the acquired jar of pepper just as the Cook pretended to throw a pan which of course knocked the pepper into the air. As luck would have it the jar landed with a squish on a substance that, at some point in the past had come off the cook's spoon whilst making a cake. This surprising culmination of events allowed the container of pepper to get stuck on the ceiling fan. There it spun in a rather violent manner as the blades were now out of balance. 'Around and around there the there where it goes should be should and where it the stop or more it goes? Most assuredly into the nose.' He thought in a sing songy way as he headed out the door just as the first, Aw choo came.

Walking out the front door The White Rabbit saw the Frog sitting quietly staring into the late afternoon sky. "It may take some time," The Rabbit said to him as he passed. "Surely, if you sit here on and off for days and days he will talk to you," he straightened Frog's curly wig and hopped off the step. Just then he saw Fish stick his head out from around the tree a few hundred meters up the path, his livery looking none the worse for the wear. "Afternoon Fish," the Rabbit said with a wave, feeling cheeky! There was no reply in reply.
Chapter Seven - A Mad Tea-Party

The hoppity hop hop jump continued briskly away as he distantly heard a cry of "Serpent!" from the mother Pigeon. He knew that the not giant now-Mary Ann-distraught-giantier-taking too long-simple-girly-girl giant would soon be in pursuit of him again. 'It's a day that ends in the day that starts with a yet, must the start and before ending so I am late again.' Rabbit thought. "And of course this makes the decision tree happy," he said as he hopped as high as he could and cleared a low branch that he sometimes found that pretentious feline sitting in giving confusing advise to passersby. He landed the hip hopinessly best way to land, sticking it like an Olympian after a successful vault. He raised his paws and faced the tree that bristled all its leaves in response. "You Madame very are the welcome!" Off he headed feeling exhilarated, 'today's tomorrow is yesterday's memory so they are at March Hare's house this day.' He took the fork headed toward the March Hare's house.

'Beguiled bejaxes where is the table?' White Rabbit thought as he rounded the hedge leading to Hare's house. 'The first the next the last thing I need...' "Dormouse! Why are you alternating smacking your head against the door j-j-j-j-jam and c-c-c-closing your head in the d-d-d-d-door?" he asked as he got closer.

"I haven't slept since Hatter got in an argument with Time!" Dormouse said, taking a break from the abuse he was doling out to himself.

"Oh pish, take this and you'll be out as soon as the tea is over." Rabbit said holding a lavender pill out to Dormouse.

"But Time?" Dormouse said backing away.

"No nothing to do with or about him, this is a special 'Sheep Over the Fence' formula. Although, my good mouse, it is Time tested!" The White Rabbit said placing what would be his index finger behind his left ear. As he pulled it away a yellow circle with a red snowflake and a green J in the center appeared on the place on his ear he had touched, but faded away just that fast. Before he could wiggle his nose again Dormouse had ushered forward taken the pill from his hand and swallowed it. "There now you'll be able to sleep in a full pot of tea when that takes hold." 'Primrose and Beta-Carroteen is all that was; a tidy little placebo.' Rabbit thought and he ushered himself through the front door. "Hatter! March Hare! Why is the table back in the house?" The White Rabbit asked.

"Hatter... March Hare!" Dormouse repeated.

"I didn't tell that table it could come in out of the rain! But there it was, big as the nose on Hatter's face, in the fire room first thing this morning. I can't figure out how to get it out again!" The March Hare said.

"I even told the door to redistribute his overall opening area and table still won't fit out!" The mad Hatter said.

"I tried a balloon." Hare said.

"And?" the White Rabbit asked.

"Door went back to its original shape!" Hatter replied.

"It figures." Dormouse said.

"Well Table, why are you in here? Let me let me thinking and me think." And the White Rabbit set about looking all around the room. "Tape, do you still carry a tape measure?" Rabbit asked the Hatter.

"Course, I always try can to tape carry measure." The Hatter said walking backwards out the door.

"May I borrow it then?" The Rabbit said

"You should have asked that first." The March Hare replied.

"Why should would I ask to borrow something he didn't doesn't have?" the White Rabbit asked.

"Because he has one." The Dormouse replied.

"And had I not I would have simply said, I am sorry I don't have one." The Hatter jumped in.

"And all these wasted words would not have filled the room with negative space." The March Hare said crossing his arms.

"Boys, you are going in the wrong direction twice the speed you need to go in the frontal way. Allow me to use your tape thank you." The White Rabbit said slowing the roll of insanity.

"Rabbit," said the Hare. "Do you remember Mr. Hatter's stage premiere?"

"I do, he barely got away with his head." The Rabbit said. "Why do you ask?"

"That was the day my watch stopped working properly." The Hatter said.

"I ddd din't do anything except get the King to pa pa pardon you." The White Rabbit said.

"No you misunderstood, he wants to see if you can fix it." The Dormouse said.

"Let me see and touch and hear the see it then." 'Time time time always first and last and again!' The White Rabbit thought, holding the watch to his not sensitive ear he gave it a single advance. "There is a..." advancing one single additional click. "Something gumming up the works, what did you use to lubricate this?"

"I used the Queen's very own butter." The March Hare said.

"The Queen uses a not butter butter." Rabbit said.

*"It was the best butter, you know."* Hare said defensively.

"It was a butter substitute made from beef tallow and skim milk." The White Rabbit clarified the mistake to them.

"There is cow in my watch? A magisterial bovine sitting on Time?" Hatter said incredulously looking at the March Hare.

*"It was the best butter, you know."* Hare repeated.

"It's not a problem-m-m-m you simply ne-e-e-ed-d-d-d to wipe the slate clean-n-n-n-n." Dormouse offered though Rabbit noticed he was getting pie-eyed.

"Before you start all that, give me your tape at once!" The Rabbit said holding his hand out to the Hatter who in return extended the tape measure to him without looking away from the watch, Hatter dropped it just as Rabbit was about to grab it. Bending down to pick up the tape he caught a look at the small pile next to the fire place. 'Curiosity and failure mode,' absent mindedly White Rabbit thought as he ventured into the fireplace room.

As he started closer to the pile he could hear the insanity in the other room, "Put it in the frosting squeezy thingy-ma-jig." Hatter was saying.

"What?" Dormouse asked confusedly.

"I don't know what he is talking about either." Hare said.

"Yes you do, it's the thing you use to make duchess potatoes with..." Hatter started.

"There's FROSTING in duchess potatoes?" The March Hare interrupted.

"No wonder I like them so very much." Dormouse added.

"No, No, NO. It's the tool that you use for making them." The Mad Hatter was getting angry.

"A saw? We put the frosting on a saw?" Dormouse said.

"A screw driver?" Hare guessed.

"Hammer, it must be a hammer." Hatter clapped his hands jumping into the guessing game.

"It's a piping bag." The White Rabbit said from the fireplace room to stop the foolishness.

"No, that's not it." Dormouse said.

"Yes, it actually is. A piping bag, why didn't you say so your honor. Get the piping bag." Hatter replied.

"I don't have one." Hare replied.

"Oh but now I want duchess potatoes." Dormouse complained.

"I have a bag for that." Hare said.

"Oh good, let's get some potatoes from the garden and boil them up." Hatter said, and the sound of the three of them heading outside to dig up potatoes filled the air.

"You were going to use it for..." Rabbit started but cut himself off. 'Oh never mind,' the White Rabbit thought shaking his head in disgust. Turning back to the problem at hand he looked into the pile of kindling and noticed a familiar scrolling on some of the pieces. 'A chair, this pile of the fire the junk for burning and the heating of the fire,' Rabbit thought. "Table, I am sorry about chair, but being in here you have left the rest of the chairs alone together needing not alone to be, whilst missing you in here alone. I am certainly uncertain they are scared alone outside alone."

"How many potatoes do you want Your Honor?" Hatter yelled from outside the window.

"I don't think I will be having any." The White Rabbit said opening the window to address them directly as opposed to yelling. "I really am running late there is no timey times timeline to dine." He turned and got all the way to the front door when he realized the table wasn't in the fireplace room any longer. He sped his pace out to the yard, and found the Hatter, March Hare, and Dormouse tucking the chairs under the table.

"So Rabbit, how did you manage it?" Hatter asked gesturing to the table.

*"Why is a raven like a writing desk?"* The White Rabbit asked and he left; leaving the Mad Hatter, the March Hare, and the Dormouse scratching their heads.

Chapter Eight - The Queen's Croquet-Ground

Less than three hips a hop and two giant jumpity jumps and rabbit reached the secret, yet ridiculously obvious door in the tree. White Rabbit opened it and hopped through the tree turning to make sure the secret, yet ridiculously obvious door in the tree was closed tightly. After a few hoppity jumps and footy flickity flicks he noticed some leaves, 'more specifically a pile of leaves that looked as if it had done a fantastic job helping an unappreciative giant from going squishy squish squish.' As he entered the hall of doors, he gave another foot flickity flick, excited that the unappreciative-not giant now-Mary Ann-distraught-giantier-taking too long-simple-girly-girl giant's tears had finally dried up. As he couldn't have gotten into the loveliest garden if the little door had been erased still.

Taking the tiny golden key of his very own from his pocket he opens the little door exposing the small rat-sized passage that leads to the loveliest garden, he was just in time to start the preparations for the croquet match. Hipitty hopiddy. 'He was glad as a group of gladiers to make it before the match starts or ends, before the arriving,' Rabbit thought as he came upon the Seven digging in the flower bed, while the Two and Five were tending to the shrubbery. "Lads, w-w-w-w-what are you you and you doing?"

"We are pruning the shrubbery to give optimal presentation for the visiting Kings and Queens." Five said with confidence.

"Well I am digging up these pesky onions they keep popping up everywhere." Seven said angrily. "And I am replacing them with daisy chains."

"Other than the fact that those are tulips, and you sh-sh-sh oh d-d-dear you have removed all the... And that is just a chain made by Daisy... Oh bobbbbbling bugrubs this is worse than the twinkling bat. What did you do with the corymbia terminalis sap I got you for these roses?" The White Rabbit asked.

"What?" Seven asked in reply.

"The Desert Bloodwood sap I gave you to paint these white ro..." Rabbit started.

"White? We painted them only yester..." Five started.

"Belt up! In the day from the yesterday I took to the give you, Seven, a bucket of sap that had a distinct red hue to it. Paint the roses with it and the rain, the mist, and the hot heat won't make it erase itself back to white roses."

"And kill the flower in the process." Seven said indignantly.

"But it would have still been red." Five said.

"Do you still have it?" Two asked.

"I gave it to the Knave of Hearts to use on his crimson velvet cushion." Seven said.

"Then get to the get the painting or you will most likely not be here to pull tulips next day after today's tomorrow." Rabbit said as he headed up to the center greeting area of the loveliest garden. 'The Dignitaries are already arriving I wonder if the Duchess will make it on time. Oh my whiskers I was so late getting to the open place, with a little house that fish and oh the hurry Duchess or the later will you shall oh...' The White Rabbit thought as he walked next to the soldiers who all carried shiny menacing club clubs.

"I will not do this!" One of the other Queens was saying. "Every time we visit she accuses everyone of cheating or slowing the game and then orders their heads cut off. I will not have my..."

"That is all part of the start of the end of the show and fun." The White Rabbit said interrupting. "We never actually remove anyone's head!"

"You don't?" Another Queen asked.

"But it's a royal decree." One of the Kings said confused.

"That the King of Hearts is always there to royally undecree the decree, the pardon." Rabbit answered, just as he said this The King of Hearts entered the loveliest garden. "Sire, I was putting the guests mind over the rest for their calm that you will most assuredly use your power and how well you wield the power of royal pardon to the make the group pardon you would."

"Royal dignitaries of all suits rest easy in the understanding that, no one is ever actually beheaded on the whim of my Queen. Your heads and the heads of your entire suit are indeed safe here." The King of Hearts said to his guests. "But make certain that you do not show that you know..."

"Quaking in your boots, knocking the knees, or crocodiling the tear fountains, are all good, very good to add in the fun of the day!" White Rabbit added interrupting the King. "The Queen arrives."

"Are we all here?" The Queen said with an air of royal grandeur.

"All but..." Rabbit started but stopped himself as he saw Duchess rounding the hedge.

"Where have you been?" The Queen of Hearts said raising her voice above the din, yelling so loud Rabbit nearly reached up to cover his not sensitive ears unconsciously.

"Your Majesty," The White Rabbit started.

"Herald, this is not the time." The King said.

"If it pleases, your Highness I only moments ago got the invitation and..." Duchess started.

"The invitation went out early this morning! I will not hear such..." The Queen of Hearts cut herself off when a second set of eyes appeared next to Duchess' head. The Queen began taking strange small little gasping breaths.

"She is ventilating." Rabbit yelled.

"Quite hyperly." The King of Hearts added.

"Relax your Highness, I have this," Duchess said. And with a surprisingly fluid motion she removed the two of Hearts from its box, handed her to the King and placed the box over the Queen's head. Thus forcing her to re-breathe the carbon dioxide she exhaled, causing her lungs to stop their spasm.

"She boxed the Queen's ears!" One of the visiting Kings said. This, while it was true was not in fact the scandal that the crowd turned it into.

"My guests you need to understand respiratory alkalosis, it is a..." The King started.

"Off with her head." Having regained her breathing and removed the box from her head, the Queen of Hearts yelled.

"But..." the White Rabbit started.

"No one boxes my ears and keeps their head." The Queen was shouting as a soldier took Duchess away. "Procession time!" she said sweetly after Duchess was gone. As the group started to walk, Rabbit noticed the familiar outline of the unappreciative-not giant now-Mary Ann-distraught-giantier-taking too long-simple-girly-girl giant talking to the gardeners on the other side of the loveliest garden.

'Still chasing me! Why? What? How? Oh me of my come sun and shine I need to hide amongst the royal guests.' The White Rabbit thought as he did just that and hid himself in plain sight, the Knave of Hearts filled in his spot right side of the Queen. As they got closer the sound of 'The Queen!' could be heard from the gardeners as they face-planted themselves before the procession got to them. 'Oh you impertinent girl, at least take a knee!' No sooner had he thought this when the Queen noticed the impertinent-unappreciative-not giant now-Mary Ann-distraught-giantier-taking too long-simple-girly-girl giant.

*"Who is this?"* The Queen asked the Knave of Hearts, 'I think she was looking for me to her right. He is fatuous he doesn't know anything less carrying that stupid pillow! L-l-look at him he is just bowing. My green skys and blue shrubs this could get bad.' *"Idiot!"* Shouting the Queen turned to the impertinent-unappreciative-not giant now-Mary Ann-distraught-giantier-taking too long-simple-girly-girl giant. *"What's your name, child?"*

As the impertinent-unappreciative-not giant now-Mary Ann-distraught-giantier-taking too long-simple-girly-girl giant started to answer, the White Rabbit winced involuntarily as he remembered the preposterously loud sound right down in, in and in squiggle and in the sounds just booms the drums the drums in his ears. *"My name is Alice, so please your Majesty."*

'No booming in my ears?' Rabbit thought as he ignored the conversation that continued between the Queen and the impertinent-unappreciative-not giant now-Mary Ann-distraught-giantier-taking too long-simple-girly-girl giant. 'The Queen doesn't know this is a changing size crazy monster...' Before he finished the thought, the Queen called for the changing size-crazy monster-impertinent-unappreciative-not giant now-Mary Ann-distraught-giantier-taking too long-simple-girly-girl giant's head. 'Oh the grow she the grow and the loveliest garden will be destroyed,' he thought and he closed his eyes tightly and plugged his not sensitive ears waiting for the chaos to ensue.

Moments later, after nothing had happened, he stood up straight, opened his eyes and removed his paws from his ears. The gardeners were hiding in a large flower-pot and the changing size-crazy monster-impertinent-unappreciative-not giant now-Mary Ann-distraught-giantier-taking too long-simple-girly-girl giant was walking up to join the procession. His not sensitive ears were shaking so terribly bad one would have thought he was on a carnival ride when he turned to her. *"It's...it's a very fine day!"* He said in a timid voice.

*"Very,"* said the changing size-crazy monster-impertinent-unappreciative-not giant now-Mary Ann-distraught-giantier-taking too long-simple-girly-girl giant. *"...where's the Duchess?"*

*"Hush! Hush!"* said the Rabbit in a frightful tone. Looking this way and that anxiously until he raised himself up on his tippity-top tiptoes, and whispered. 'She's under sentence of execution.'*

*"What for?"* the changing size-crazy monster-impertinent-unappreciative-not giant now-Mary Ann-distraught-giantier-taking too long-simple-girly-girl giant said as he continued to look hither and dither.

*"Did you say "What a pity!"?"* Rabbit asked, having not listened to what had been said as he skitterly gittered around.

*"No, I didn't, I don't think it's at all a pity. I said What for?"*

*"She boxed the Queen's ears..."* the White Rabbit started. The changing size-crazy monster-impertinent-unappreciative-not giant now-Mary Ann-distraught-giantier-taking too long-simple-girly-girl giant gave a little squeaky squawk of laughter. *"Oh, hush!"* He whispered. *"The Queen will hear you! You see, she came rather late, and the Queen said..."*

*"Get to your places!"* The Queen announced, interrupting him, announcing the beginning of the match.

"Go," the White Rabbit said and the changing size-crazy monster-impertinent-unappreciative-not giant now-Mary Ann-distraught-giantier-taking too long-simple-girly-girl giant joined the rest of the procession who were frantically running with no idea where to go. After a few had tripped on the excellently foraged furrows they were ready to start the match. 'Oh lividly lively the hedgehogs appear in top shape,' he thought watching everyone trying to set themselves up to play. 'And the flamingoes are most decidedly curt in their behavior. Oh very deliciously fin fun this will be! Look how limber the soldiers are as they form their hoops and arch today, that extraty extra time practicing the perfect of the limbo dance was oh so helpful,' Rabbit thought. He smiled to himself satisfactorily of a job well done. "You make me sound like a braggadocios prat!" The White Rabbit said to the cheeky-omnipresent-bottles and chaff-stupid- old-fatty-fat-amicable-mean author man.

"I'm sorry I did what?" said one of the soldiers who stood up from playing the role of a keystone arch as he thought he was being addressed. It just so happened that one of the visiting dignitaries was aiming for that arch as it stood up, causing them to miss. This of course started some comments of derision. The Queen of Hearts thought they were aimed at her which caused cries for heads to be removed.

"Actually," the White Rabbit said to the soldier who was placing said dignitary into custody. "I wasn't even talking to you. I was talking to the ridiculously flippant writer man."

Moments later the King and the pretentious feline were apparently bickering. This caused a rapid chain of events and the King running to get the executioner. As the King returned with the executioner the White Rabbit decided to join the group as well, although by the time he travelled all the way around the croquet field hippity bippity jump and bump; the executioner was being orderd by the Queen to retrieve the Duchess from the prison at once. Giving the Rabbit a chance to talk to Duchess, he followed right along.

"H'lo Yer Honor sir." The Executioner said as they headed off together. "Did I's do sumpin wrong?"

"No not the wrong at all, need to see the conditions prisoner's." The White Rabbit said keeping pace with the executioner.

"O' course sir o' course." When they entered the prison the Duchess could be heard making a curious pig call.

"I was calling a pig not a rabbit!" Duchess said. "What are you responding to my call for?"

"There is a girl names Alice," the executioner said. "Says you got a cat's 'ed as a pet."

"Your very special Cheshire Cat," Rabbit said giving a very obvious winking of his eye. When the executioner turned and looked at him confused, "Cat's head, your Cheshire cat's head."

"Oh, yes of course I do." Duchess said.

"Then you are to come with me." The executioner said, opening the cell. "I didn't think you would keen up to that cat miss." He said as they were walking out of the prison.

"Why not?" Duchess asked.

"That squirrely bird, Alice or whatever... She seems a bit unmoralled that one." The executioner explained.

"I bet Duchess can help her with that." The White Rabbit said innocently. And they returned to the croquet field in silence. When they arrived at the field the very special magical Cheshire Cat's head had already vanished. For that matter the entire very special magical Cheshire Cat had vanished and the group of soldiers joined in with the King and Queen to search for it. Whilst Duchess took the changing size-crazy monster-impertinent-unappreciative-not giant now-Mary Ann-distraught-giantier-taking too long-simple-girly-girl giant and her flamingo, arm in arm to chat and the White Rabbit headed hoppity hop away from the insanity.

Chapter Nine - The Mock Turtle's Story

The White Rabbit walked over to the guests and guided them to sit in the shade of the beautiful trees in the loveliest garden. Moments later as the Queen rushed to intercept Duchess; Rabbit turned to the guests saying, "Th-th-this is important not to die, pardoned when are you need leave once at to your homes. No time for snackitylicious treats, ok?" he asked.

"Understood." A general reply came from those under the tree.

"If others heard me not take them too, forcibly if must." The White Rabbit said.

"Underst..." They started.

"To the field! Any delay in my croquet match and I will have heads!" The Queen of Hearts yelled as she returned to the grounds with the changing size-crazy monster-impertinent-unappreciative-not giant now-Mary Ann-distraught-giantier-taking too long-simple-girly-girl giant. 'The Duchess must have headed back to the open place with the little house,' Rabbit thought as he watched everyone taking the field.

The match progressed as before; the guests whom the Queen quarreled with were taken into custody one by one; as they were a soldier that had been acting as arch would escort them from the game. Leaving the game one less player and one less arch each time, before long there were no arches left to croquet through. The Queen, the King, and the changing size-crazy monster-impertinent-unappreciative-not giant now-Mary Ann-distraught-giantier-taking too long-simple-girly-girl giant were all that were left.

Rabbit over heard the Queen say *"Have you seen the Mock Turtle yet?"* Hearing nothing else, yet seeing them leaving the field, the Rabbit started jumpity jumping up and down to get the King's attention.

When the King of Hearts finally noticed the White Rabbit pointing to the Queen he nods his head, to calm him down. When the Queen was far enough away he turned to the guests, *"You are all pardoned."*

"Remember said I earlier, go now go go go." The White Rabbit said anxiously from tippity toes and bouncity bounce bounce back and forth toe to toe. The guests made haste and by the time the Queen had returned, Rabbit and the King of Hearts sat under the trees in the shade having been joined by the royal children, except two who were fast asleep having been put back into the box.

"Have the prisoners executions been seen to?" The Queen asked.

"Their heads are most definitely gone." The King Answered.

"Delightful!" she replied.

"So your Majesty, were we still planning on the great Tartitily tart cooking fun?" the White Rabbit asked. The remaining nine children cheered.

"Alright, we are off to the palace kitchens." The Queen said happily. The entire suit along with White Rabbit headed off to the kitchen each dancing as they walked.

"I love tarts," The four of Hearts said holding on to the King.

"I do as well. I wish that..." The King started.

"Don't wish for a monstrous crow to come!" a voice said from under a tree as they were leaving the loveliest garden.

"Contrariwise," a nearly identical voice added, "if you must then do with a delay please give. If you don't then great and allow us to live."

"What are you two doing crossing stories?" The Rabbit asked to the full-sized school boys.

"You let the Wasp join your fun!" Tweedledee said incredulously.

"Contrariwise, did he really cross stories if his chapter didn't run?" Tweedledum asked.

"Point for you!" the other said hugging his brother.

"Tweedledee is right, even if the pugnacious girl saw the wasp she know would not knew it ever at alls." The White Rabbit scolded.

"But I said the chapter didn't run!" Tweedledee said growing angry.

"And you are Tweedledee." The King of Hearts replied.

"No he isn't I am!" Tweedledum said jumping up and down.

"Brother, you have my shirt on again." The one with 'dee' on his collar said.

"Ditto."** said the other grabbing the collar of his brother. And he started to pull his shirt over his head.

"Wait!" Rabbit said. "This is place to right to time place or to change clothes."

"Is it day or night?" The one in the dee shirt asked.

"Obviously day, the sun is in the sky!" The Queen of Hearts looked like she was about to call for their heads.

"Contrariwise, the oysters found out that the sun will sometimes hijack the night from the moon." The one in the dee's shirt said again.

'Now you are pulling her into the play game,' the White Rabbit thought.

"True, true," the Queen said.

"So how shall we know for certain?" the King of Hearts asked.

"What meal did you last eat?" The one in the dum shirt asked.

"Brunch." The Queen answered quickly.

'This is just the start rolly polly foolish not boys.' Rabbit thought.

"Contrariwise, that helps not at all. What meal will you eat next?" The one in the dee shirt asked.

"We were planning pancakes at seven." The King answered this time.

"Then it is night time!" They both yelled at once dancing together.

Here we go. The Rabbit thought.

"Contrariwise," The Queen said smugly, "we love breakfast for dinner. And I wish for a monstrous crow!"

"No!" the little round men went running for cover.

'Had I been ever so wrong and she had not, I would have wished that sooner than soon!' The White Rabbit thought as he watched the twins runaway. "Two points for that your Majesty." He said.

The White Rabbit then continued to lead the royal family to the Kitchen. For a fun day of great Tartitily tart cooking excitement in castle kitchen. "Does anyone know a tartitily tart recipe?" Rabbit asked.

"I believe I do, the very one my mother and her mother before her used on our great tartitily tart cooking days." The Queen of Hearts said.

"Thank goodness I was afraid we would need to call Duchess' cook." The White Rabbit said. The Queen started commanding the staff to get ingredients, pots, pans, and utensils out of the cabinets. When everything was staged on the countertop and the official 2014 limited edition Heartshaped aprons were handed out to all the royal family, everyone took their place. 'Another year, oh year in the bookity book and I still get no apron.' The White Rabbit thought oh so sad.

"Children, there will be none of the typical food fights that are often found in a scene such as this, that has been so carefully scripted to force the innocent characters into having one." The King of Hearts said.

"Agreed father." The children all said.

"Just one?" The Queen said tossing an egg up and down in each hand.

"Dear?" The King inquired.

"Joking only joking. I would not encourage the wasting of food when our peasants are starving. I would not enjoy the irony of playing the role of Marie Antoinette." The Queen of Hearts said. (Explanation: The Queen of Hearts likes to yell – Off with their heads; while Marie Antoinette purportedly said let them eat cake and thus lost her head.) "This year I think we will do a proper assembly, everyone gets a job and every job will be done by a different person."

"Is that correct?" The Nine of Hearts asked.

"Sounds too straight forward to be correct?" The Eight asked respectfully.

"Well, let's say the seven fantsifully fantastic jobity jobs. There are nine of you, should your mom giversly a jobs to everyone." The White Rabbit said.

"That would leave two of us without jobs," the Seven of Hearts said.

"And what fun would that be." The Nine said.

"However, If she gave the first and last jobs to the remaining two..." Rabbit said.

"Then those jobs have two so mother is wrong." The Eight of Hearts said in surprise.

"For every single tart that is made, seven jobs are done by seven oh heaven people. She didn't say every person does a job on each tartitily tart, so that in factor factory fact correct for every tart made everyone HAD a job, two of you don't touch that specific tart SO every job that is done to make the tart was done by a different person."

"Hurray! Queen Mother, was correct again!" The King of Hearts said.

"Did I hear a doubt my dear?" the Queen said with a smile. Moments later she began giving out everyone's jobs in the great tartitily tart assembly line. "Places everyone we have tarts to make." About an hour later the first batch came from the oven. The White Rabbit carried the pan over to the area for cooling that had been assigned by the Queen. When he got there the gardeners from earlier were tending to some plants that decorated the area.

"Quite quiet you be must need. Queen will be here and hear you not should." Rabbit said.

"Ok yer Honor." They all said.

"This hall is perfect for cooling our tarts." The Queen said standing by a table prepped with cooling pads. Rabbit held the tray for her as she took the tartitily tarts from the cooking tray placing them on the pads to cool. "One, two, three, four, five..." she counted aloud. At that moment the sound of crashing came from behind her.

"Seven!" Exclaimed two, five, and the White Rabbit as he had dropped all the garden tools.

"Eight, Nine, Ten..." The Queen continued to count the tartitily tarts as they were put out to cool. When the last group was completed the Queen of Hearts had counted fifty-two confectionary delights, one for each of the guests after the fantastic feast that the Hearts were putting on for the entire deck.

Chapter 10 - Who Stole the Tarts?

"Children, to your rooms and dress for the festivities," the King of Hearts proclaimed as the last pan and stirring spoons were put in the sink.

"Meet here in twenty minutes." The Queen announced and the group departed.

'I will start the dish the cleaning of the utensils and bowls, no changing I not need.' The White Rabbit thought as he watched the royal family leaving the kitchen. Continuing to clean until they had returned, at which time he pulled his sleeves down and reattached his collar and then joined the family.

"Into the hall; we will place a name marker with one of our royal tarts at each seat." The Queen said. They all followed her into the room where the tarts were cooling. Finding the door open and the Fatuous Knave of Hearts leaning over the table.

"They are rather pretty, you have all done such a lovely job." The Fatuous Knave of Hearts said, raising his head from gazing at the table.

"Thank you Nephew. Would you help us take them to the dining area?" The Queen of Hearts said.

"Of Course, Queen Mother," the Fatuous Knave replied.

'Such fun such fun, the guests whose heads were removed must have grown them back to enjoy the tartitily tarts and feasticova food feast.' Rabbit thought. 'Load the places the places for each, a confectionary delight. We start at back and work to the front, for our wonderful fun tonight.' White Rabbit thought as he put Tartitily Tarts where names were already marked on the setting. Before long they were to the front of the hall the names were placed at the head table. 'Tartitily tarts for each and all and all and,' "Beneficial Buffalo Babies!" Rabbit blurted as he read the Queen and King of Hearts name tags, with no tarts left on his platter.

"Herald! Language!" The King said.

"Oh me! Oh my! I am completely out of the tartitily tart confectionary delights!"

"And you nephew do you have the two more?" The King of Hearts asked.

"No sir I ran out well before the head table." He answered.

"Soldiers and Guards, axes and chains! Bind the Knave and dispose his remains!" The Queen yelled as she pointed her finger at him.

"Why dear?" The King of Hearts asked.

"When we arrived in the hall he was leaning over the table of tarts. He obviously stole the missing tarts." She answered. The soldiers arrived with their shiny club clubs and arrested the Fatuous Knave of Hearts at once.

"Herald, start the communication chain." The King ordered.

"Oh, can you start by getting us some chains, your Honor?" The Ten of Clubs asked.

"Of courseless action I can. Eight follows me to return no me." The White Rabbit ordered. He headed off to find the chains thinking of each thing that needed to happen in a short order. 'Chains then announcing the announcement, following closer than close by getting jurors and witless witnesses.' Continuing back to the garden where seven had been burying the chains hoping for daisies to grow. "Take these back. I am off." Rabbit said handing the chains to eight. 'Hoppity Jupiter jump we heads out of the loveliest garden to gain the ears of the community and hey I said we... I am spending too much of the timeless time with Royals.'

Arriving at the March Hare's home White Rabbit found the three insan-igos still stuck at tea time. "The trial will soon begin." Rabbit yelled.

"Ooooh, a trail or trial?" The Hatter asked.

"For your sillier silly answer, you are witless witness one. Be courthouse room in soon amount of time. Go." The White Rabbit said and continued on his way. Next he arrived at the open place with a little house, where the Frog footman still sat on the stoop staring into the sky.

"On and off for days and days..." he was muttering as Rabbit went into the little house.

"Awchoo..." Duchess said greeting him pleasantly. Crash a plate said as it crashed against the wall.

"Better, better, and still better!" The Cook said as she threw another plate against the wall.

"Shan't!" The White Rabbit said.

"Aye?" Cook replied.

"Should you say much more than that, your arm will revert!" Rabbit explained.

"Where?" Duchess asked.

"There is to be a trial and Cook shall be Witless witness number two. And your answer is to be?"

"Shan't!" Cook answered.

"Perfect but what if they ask you how to cook a tartitily tart?" He asked next.

"Shan't ever made them have I?" Cook asked.

"Awchoo!" Rabbit said releasing a huge bunny sneeze.

"Aye, Pepper is the answer! I get the clue ole boy!" Cook said as Rabbit turned to leave.

"When should we..." Duchess started.

"Trial is soon, should the now go you." Rabbit said.

"Trail or Trial?" Rabbit heard Duchess say as he left the room.

'The jurors to find the must! Enormous puppy would be perfect but that pesky rule 42.' Rabbit thought as he passed the mushroom growth and headed to see if the spectators were still gathering around his charming-neat little house with a marvelous front door with its bright brass plate which his name is engraved upon. 'Spectra spectators still there!' "There is to be a trial very soon, all to head to the courthouse sooner than the later! You there Bill, you will of course be in the jury." Rabbit said.

"Of course yer Honor?" Bill asked confused.

"You corrected me, more than once. Stepping outside your comfort circley square. Needs that on the twelve to rule the verdict room." The White Rabbit said and again turned on his fastidious hopper feet, heading to the next area of the community. Arriving at the site of the Caucus-race White Rabbit came upon Dodo. "Gather your race contestants there is a trial to start soon."

"Trails, yer Honor, do not appear soon, they appear over time." The Dodo said.

"This is true, however, the Queen's trial of the Knave will start soon. Please getting the go rather soon."

"Ah, should I tell Mary Ann to attend?" Dodo said.

"Yes, er, ah, tell everyone you see." Rabbit said caught off guard, yet he answered and left, heading back to the loveliest garden to pass through to the ocean front and make the Mock Turtle and the Gryphon to gather some lobsters or any others for the trail. 'Trial you deliberately preposterous Author man.' Rabbit thought as he ran along, as it had been a great long time since he did this the deliberately preposterous-ridiculously flippant-cheeky-omnipresent-bottles and chaff-stupid- old-fatty-fat-amicable-mean author man was caught off guard. Checking his lovely antique watch "Oh dear oh my whiskers I am going ganna go and be late again." Rabbit said and deciding he was close enough to the ocean side, he yelled as loud as he could. *"The trial's beginning!"*

Hoppity loppity bouncer lounce bounce and he was back at the courthouse room. The Guinea pigs were there already with Bill chatting about the loss of wonderfully useful-beautiful cucumber frames. Just then the Mad Hatter came running into the room drinking his tea and stepped upon the foot of one of the Guinea pigs. The yelling that ensued was quite impressive from a wee small rodent. "Hatter! Step to the hallway and be ready to be called first to the witless stand." The White Rabbit shouted to break up the argument. "Mary Ann, we need a Jury box built post haste!" Rabbit yelled.

"There is no Mary Ann, we discussed this yer Honor!" the Dodo said having arrived only just.

"Barley bagpipes! So right yes! Bill, get us a Jury box built!" The Rabbit replied.

"Yer Honor! Language!" Bill exclaimed.

"Pardon, pardon, build a built box!" the White Rabbit said.

"On it yer Honor, give us five minutes!" Bill said pulling tools and wood out of who knows where.

Once the box was built Rabbit walked around tapping members on the head; like a grand game of duck, duck, goose. "Not, Not, Not, Juror, Not, Juror, Juror, Not..." until the Juror box was full. "Now you in the box, take these slates and pencils. I want you to write down everything that is said in the courthouse room." Rabbit said.

"Aye, yer Honor." Bill's voice stood out from all the others.

"Bill you take this special pencil." The White Rabbit said handing a new pencil to him.

'Last of the last, we have to display the tartitily tarts and get the King Ready for the Judgerly Judger. What is it I am issing missing?' Trying to run through everything that needed to happen for the trial? 'Judges wear a robe and a wig!' Looking around the robe hung nicely over the judge's chair. "Oh the wig and the crown and the wig."

"Did he steal the crown too? Where is his crimson pillow?" A random voice randomly shouted from a random place in the courthouse room.

"Bring the impugned Knave here at once." Rabbit yelled to the soldiers. When they brought in the chained Impugned-fatuous Knave momentarily moments later. "Where is the Crimson pillow with the crown on it?" he asked.

"I had set it down in the grand hall when we started setting the out the tarts." The Impugned-fatuous Knave replied.

"I will look there for the Crimson pillow, have you happened to notice the having happen the Judgey King's wiggley wig anywhere have you?" The White Rabbit asked.

"Last I saw it; the wig was keeping the clock warm which kept the mice away." The Impugned-fatuous Knave of Hearts said helpfully. Zip slip and just a jump rabbit was in the Grand hall where the tarts were laid out on the tables, easily he found the Crimson pillow picking it up rabbit noticed it a tad sticky. 'Oh the sap on the pillow!' Carrying the pillow on a tray which he then placed several tarts upon and ran fast as what for to the grand entry where Grandfather Time stood ticking majestically.

"Grandfather Time! I should have that wig!" The White Rabbit said.

"You understand that it is up there to fulfill more than one requirement!" Grandfather Time replied.

"Yes, but his Majesty the King of Hearts will be sitting trial this hour and he must be wigged!" Rabbit said.

"And I, what about the mice they dance up and down when wigless go I!" The Grandfather clock chimed.

"I will assure you that I will make the mice down they come, when I return the wig following the trial."

"What will a trail have to do with wigless judge?" Grandfather time asked.

"I am not saying trail, Trial-Trial-Trial." White Rabbit said hopping from one rabbit foot to the next!

"You tick worse than a cheap pocket watch. Here, bring it back when you finish with it," the wig came fluttering down. "Remember, you promised to de-mouse me later." Grandfather time said as Rabbit scooped the wig and headed away. As he entered the courthouse room he saw the King of Hearts putting on the robe. Setting the tray with the tartitily tarts, the wig, and the Crimson pillow with the crown upon it down next to the table in the middle of the room between the juror box and the Impugned-fatuous Knave.

"My wig!" Exclaimed the King reaching his hands toward Rabbit.

"Yes oh yes I have it here!" The White Rabbit said. He grabbed the wig and the Crimson pillow with the crown upon it and ran up to the Judge's seat.

"Thank you Herald." The King said, placing the wig on his head. Then reaching down to take the crown off the pillow, he found he could not remove it. "What is holding my crown to the Crimson pillow?"

"Desserty desert bloodwood sap I suspect." Rabbit said. "Pull your Majesty." And Rabbit took the sides of the Crimson pillow and with their pulling in opposite directions the crown came free.

"Very sticky sap that." The King of Hearts said, placing the crown on top his wig. Finding his hands would not release it, for the viscid nature of the bloodwood sap.

"Ladies and gentlemen in attendance be warned, there will be no cheering during the trial." Rabbit took this opportunity to make this announcement for two reasons: first, to preemptively strike out against angry Guinea pigs and second, to distract everyone from staring at the King fighting with his crown.

As he finished his proclamation, he saw the King of Hearts pull his hands in a downward motion causing his crown to pull uncomfortably over the wig. At which time he also noticed the Gryphon, the Mock Turtle, and the changing size-crazy monster-impertinent-unappreciative-not giant now-Mary Ann-distraught-giantier-taking too long-simple-girly-girl giant entering the courthouse room. He turned back to the front of the room and slipped over a letter on the ground. 'Oh Burly Baby Bunny whiskers why are people throwing letters on the ground?' Rabbit thought and he picked up the letter; placing it by the rolled parchment that had the accusations on it.

Chapter Eleven – Alice's Evidence

As the White Rabbit looked around the quiet room he noticed that the changing size-crazy monster-impertinent-unappreciative-not giant now-Mary Ann-distraught-giantier-taking too long-simple-girly-girl giant was curiously looking at the Jurors who were writing their names on the slates. *"What are they doing?"* The changing size-crazy monster-impertinent-unappreciative-not giant now-Mary Ann-distraught-giantier-taking too long-simple-girly-girl giant whispered to the Gryphon. *"They can't have anything to put down yet, before the trial's begun."* Rabbit heard her ask but the Gryphon replied much more quietly, obviously knowing the protocol of courthouse room behavior. *"Stupid things!"* The changing size-crazy monster-impertinent-unappreciative-not giant now-Mary Ann-distraught-giantier-taking too long-simple-girly-girl giant said in an indignant voice.

*"Silence in the court!"* The White Rabbit said unflustered. 'Oh for pity the pitilishilous they are writing 'stupid things'... I have to agree with the observant giant.' Rabbit thought.

SQUEAKity Squawk, the sound that came from Bill's special new pencil. 'Distraction to this turtle soup trial, plans oh plans work so well. No you miscreant don't take his well-placed pencil. Biters brittle!' Rabbit thought as the miscreant-observant-changing size-crazy monster-impertinent-unappreciative-not giant now-Mary Ann-distraught-giantier-taking too long-simple-girly-girl giant got up and walked across the courthouse room and quickly pulled the squeakity squawking pencil right out of Bill's hand. Moments later Bill realized that he was no longer writing so he started to pretend to write using his finger.

*"Herald, read the accusation!"* ordered the King of Hearts.

Blowing three notes on the herald's style horn, the White Rabbit unrolled the parchment he had placed on the front box earlier. *"The Queen of Hearts, she made some tarts, All on a summer day: The Knave of Hearts, he stole those tarts, and took them quite away!"* Rabbit read.

*"Consider your verdict,"* the King said facing the jurors.

*"Not yet, not yet! There's a great deal to come before that!"* The White Rabbit said.

*"Call the first witness,"* Ordered the King of Hearts.

The White Rabbit once again blew three tones on his horn and called out, *"First witness!"* The Mad Hatter entered the courthouse room, closely followed by the March Hare and a still sleepy Dormouse. His followers, not wishing to be any closer to the Queen then necessary, took seats as the Hatter continued up to the witless Witness box with his hands full of tea and bread-and-butter.

*"I beg pardon, your Majesty,"* he started, *"for bringing these in: but I hadn't quite finished my tea when I was sent for."*

*"You ought to have finished. When did you begin?"* The King asked.

*"Fourteenth of March, I think it was,"* the Hatter said looking at his two companions in the courthouse room seats.

*"Fifteenth,"* interjected the March Hare.

*"Sixteenth,"* Dormouse added.

*"Write that down,"* Ordered the King to the Jurors. *"Take off your hat,"* the King said turning back to the Hatter.

*"It isn't mine,"* replied the Hatter.

*"Stolen!"* exclaimed the King of Hearts to no one in general, yet the jurors scribbled intently.

*"I keep them to sell,"* the Hatter explained. *"I've none of my own. I'm a hatter."*

*"Give your evidence and don't be nervous, or I'll have you executed on the spot."* The King ordered. 'The Queen is looking through her glasses at the Hatter... Does she recall the Twinkling Bat?' Rabbit thought as he saw that the Hatter was obviously thinking the same thing jumping from foot to foot. A moment later, the Hatter proved his madness as he sipped from the bread followed by taking a large bite from the tea cup.

The moments following the Hatter spitting the cup from his mouth, Rabbit heard a disturbance from the gallery. *"Don't talk nonsense; you know you're growing too."* The miscreant-observant-changing size-crazy monster-impertinent-unappreciative-not giant now-Mary Ann-distraught-giantier-taking too long-simple-girly-girl giant said.

The Dormouse squeaked something in reply that couldn't be heard clearly. But more importantly the miscreant-observant-changing size-crazy monster-impertinent-unappreciative-not giant now-Mary Ann-distraught-giantier-taking too long-simple-girly-girl giant had noticeably grown again. When the Dormouse crossed the courthouse room the call for, *"Bring me the list of the singers in the last concert!"* Rang out from the Queen of Hearts to the White Rabbit.

*"Give your evidence,"* the King ordered again, *"or I'll have you executed, whether you're nervous or not."*

*"I'm a poor man, your Majesty and I hadn't begun my tea not above a week or so and what with the bread-and-butter getting so thin and the twinkling of the tea."* The Hatter was babbling adequately.

*"The twinkling of the what?"* Asked the King of Hearts.

*"It began with the tea,"* the Hatter retorted.

*"Of course twinkling begins with a T! Do you take me for a dunce? Go on!"* The King said rolling his royal hand in a gesture meaning to continue.

*"I'm a poor man and most things twinkled after that only the March Hare said..."* The Hatter started.

*"I didn't!"* interjected the March Hare.

*"You did!"* replied the Hatter.

*"I deny it!"* crossing his arms the Hare said.

*"He denies it! Leave out that part."* Ordered the King.

*"Well, at any rate, the Dormouse said... After that I cut some more bread-and-butter..."* the Mad Hatter started.

*"But what did the Dormouse say?"* A random juror asked.

*"That I can't remember,"* answered the Hatter.

*"You MUST remember or I'll have you executed.'* Shouted the King of Hearts.

*"I'm a poor man, your Majesty,"* The Hatter began as he dropped to a knee.

*"You're a very poor speaker,"* said the King. Which caused the Guinea-pig with the sore foot to cheer. The King glared at the White Rabbit who promptly snapped his not sensitive ears and the officers of the court tossed the Guinea pig into a burlap bag and sat roughly on him, duly suppressing him. *"If that's all you know about it, you may stand down,"* said the King.

*"I can't go no lower I'm on the floor, as it is."* The Mad Hatter replied.

*"Then you may SIT down,"* the King shouted! This caused the other Guinea-pig to cheer, and after another ear snap, he too was burlappidly suppressed.

*"I'd rather finish my tea,"* the Hatter said timidly.

*"You may go,"* replied the King and the Hatter ran from the court followed by a crazy-eyed March Hare.

*"...and just take his head off outside,"* the Queen of Hearts said, too late.

*"Call the next witness!"* ordered the King.

Three tones on the horn brought in the next witless witness, the Duchess's cook. *"Give your evidence,"* demanded the King.

*"Shan't,"* said the cook.

Good girl! White Rabbit thought as he saw her flexing her arm. *"Your Majesty must cross-examine THIS witness."* Rabbit said quite quietly.

*"Well, if I must, I must. What are tarts made of?"* The King asked.

'Do I know my King or what?' Rabbit thought.

*"Pepper, mostly,"* said the cook. When she said this Rabbit heard a commotion in the gallery again.

*"Collar that Dormouse. Behead that Dormouse! Turn that Dormouse out of court! Suppress him! Pinch him! Off with his whiskers!"* The Queen of Hearts was yelling. The White Rabbit gave a prompt hand gesture to the cook to sneak out of the courthouse room. By the time that everything had calmed down in the gallery, she had quite disappeared.

*"Never mind!' Call the next witness."* The King said to his Herald. Then turning to the Queen he said. *"Really, my dear, YOU must cross-examine the next witness. It quite makes my forehead ache!"*

Three tones later the White Rabbit called out, *"Alice!"*

The Alice-miscreant-observant-changing size-crazy monster-impertinent-unappreciative-not giant now-Mary Ann-distraught-giantier-taking too long-simple-girly-girl giant jumped up knocking over the Juror's box and said, *"Here!"* After figuring out she was not in class, the miscreant-observant-changing size-crazy monster-impertinent-unappreciative-not giant now-Mary Ann-distraught-giantier-taking too long-simple-girly-girl giant then said, *"Oh, I BEG your pardon!"* As she had grown much larger than the room should allow, the Alice-miscreant-observant-changing size-crazy monster-impertinent-unappreciative-not giant now-Mary Ann-distraught-giantier-taking too long-simple-girly-girl giant started picking up the jurors and putting them back in the Jury's box, having set it right.

*"The trial cannot proceed until all the jurymen are back in their proper places... ALL,"* The King scolded. The Alice-miscreant-observant-changing size-crazy monster-impertinent-unappreciative-not giant now-Mary Ann-distraught-giantier-taking too long-simple-girly-girl giant picked up Bill, who was tails out in the jury box, and turned him over. *"What do you know about this business?"* The King asked.

*"Nothing,"* answered Alice.

*"Nothing WHATEVER?"* The King asked as a follow-up.

*"Nothing whatever,"* said the Alice-miscreant-observant-changing size-crazy monster-impertinent-unappreciative-not giant now-Mary Ann-distraught-giantier-taking too long-simple-girly-girl giant.

*"That's very important,"* the King said, to the jury.

*"UNimportant, your Majesty means, of course,"* White Rabbit said in a respectful tone.

*"UNimportant, of course, I meant... important, unimportant, unimportant, important..."* The King said practicing the words. While the jurors selected which to write down.

'What is the King looking for in his notebook? I bet rule forty-two!' Rabbit was thinking as his musing was interrupted.

*"Silence!"* Yelled the King as he held the notebook in front of him, *"Rule Forty-two. ALL PERSONS MORE THAN A MILE HIGH TO LEAVE THE COURT."* Everybody looked at the Alice-miscreant-observant-changing size-crazy monster-impertinent-unappreciative-not giant now-Mary Ann-distraught-giantier-taking too long-simple-girly-girl giant.

'Again, do I know my King or what???' The White Rabbit thought and he quickly patted himself on his back with one not sensitive ear.

*"I'M not a mile high,"* she replied.

*"You are,"* said the King.

*"Nearly two miles high,"* added the Queen.

*"Well, I shan't go, at any rate. Besides, that's not a regular rule: you invented it just now."* The Alice-miscreant-observant-changing size-crazy monster-impertinent-unappreciative-not giant now-Mary Ann-distraught-giantier-taking too long-simple-girly-girl giant said.

'It really isn't brand new!' White Rabbit thought.

*"It's the oldest rule in the book,"* said the King.

'Wrong answer...' Rabbit thought.

*"Then it ought to be Number One,"* she said.

'She definitely zinged the King with that exchange. Although, not exactly rocky rocket science that!' Rabbit thought shaking his head slightly.

*"Consider your verdict,"* the King of Hearts blurted after being embarrassed.

*"There's more evidence to come yet, please your Majesty,"* said the White Rabbit, turning to where the accusatorial scroll sat. *"This paper has just been picked up."* 'Well, not just.'

*"What's in it?"* asked the Queen.

*"I haven't opened it yet, but it seems to be a letter, written by the prisoner to... to somebody."* Rabbit answered.

*"It must have been that unless it was written to nobody, which isn't usual, you know."* The King said whimsically.

*"Who is it directed to?"* Asked a random creature in the jury box.

*"It isn't directed at all, in fact, there's nothing written on the OUTSIDE."* Rabbit said as he unfolded the paper. *"It isn't a letter, after all: it's a set of verses."*

*"Are they in the prisoner's handwriting?"* asked a different random jury member.

*"No, they're not and that's the queerest thing about it."*

*"He must have imitated somebody else's hand,"* the King said.

*"Please your Majesty, I didn't write it, and they can't prove I did: there's no name signed at the end."* The Impugned-fatuous Knave said speaking out for the first time.

*"If you didn't sign it, that only makes the matter worse. You MUST have meant some mischief, or else you'd have signed your name like an honest man."* The King chided the Impugned-fatuous Knave.

*"That PROVES his guilt,"* said the Queen.

*"It proves nothing of the sort! Why, you don't even know what they're about!"* The King Zinger-Alice-miscreant-observant-changing size-crazy monster-impertinent-unappreciative-not giant now-Mary Ann-distraught-giantier-taking too long-simple-girly-girl giant retorted the Queen's statement.

*"Read them,"* ordered the King.

*"Where shall I begin, please your Majesty?"* The White Rabbit asked after taking his spectacles from his pocket.

*"Begin at the beginning and go on till you come to the end: then stop."* The King of Hearts said knowingly.

*"They told me you had been to her,

And mentioned me to him:

She gave me a good character,

But said I could not swim.

*"He sent them word I had not gone

(We know it to be true):

If she should push the matter on,

What would become of you?

*"I gave her one, they gave him two,

You gave us three or more;

They all returned from him to you,

Though they were mine before.

*"If I or she should chance to be

Involved in this affair,

He trusts to you to set them free,

Exactly as we were.

*"My notion was that you had been

(Before she had this fit)

An obstacle that came between

Him, and ourselves, and it.

*"Don't let him know she liked them best,

For this must ever be

A secret, kept from all the rest,

Between yourself and me."* Read the White Rabbit. 'I prefer Alice Gray by William Mee much more!' Rabbit thought handing the verses to the King.

*"That's the most important piece of evidence we've heard yet so now let the jury..."* Started the King.

*"If any one of them can explain it, I'll give him sixpence. I don't believe there's an atom of meaning in it."* The King Zinger-Alice-miscreant-observant-changing size-crazy monster-impertinent-unappreciative-not giant now-Mary Ann-distraught-giantier-taking too long-simple-girly-girl giant argued.

*"If there's no meaning in it that saves a world of trouble, you know, as we needn't try to find any. And yet I don't know,"* The King paused and spread the verses across his knee. *"I seem to see some meaning in them, after all. "... SAID I COULD NOT SWIM..." you can't swim, can you?"* He asked the Impugned-fatuous Knave.

*"Do I look like it?"* The Impugned-fatuous Knave said flailing around in his flat cardboardness.

*"All right, so far,"* said the King and he started reading the verse again. *"WE KNOW IT TO BE TRUE..." that's the jury, of course... "I GAVE HER ONE, THEY GAVE HIM TWO..." why, that must be what he did with the tarts, you know..."*

*"But, it goes on "THEY ALL RETURNED FROM HIM TO YOU,*""* the King Zinger-Alice-miscreant-observant-changing size-crazy monster-impertinent-unappreciative-not giant now-Mary Ann-distraught-giantier-taking too long-simple-girly-girl giant advocated again interrupting.

*"Why, there they are! Nothing can be clearer than THAT. Then again..."BEFORE SHE HAD THIS FIT..." you never had fits, my dear, I think?"* The King of Hearts said to the Queen.

*"Never!"* said the Queen.

*"Then the words don't FIT you,"* said the King. *"It's a pun!"* The King added prompting the obsequious laughter from the gallery. *"Let the jury consider their verdict."*

*"No, no! Sentence first...verdict afterwards."* The Queen of Hearts said interrupting.

*"Stuff and nonsense! The idea of having the sentence first!"* The King Zinger-Alice-miscreant-observant-changing size-crazy monster-impertinent-unappreciative-not giant now-Mary Ann-distraught-giantier-taking too long-simple-girly-girl giant scolded.

*"Hold your tongue!"* Shouted the Queen.

*"I won't!"* She replied growing some more.

*"Off with her head!"* The Queen said to a statuesque response from the soldiers.

*"Who cares for you? You're nothing but a pack of cards!"* The King Zinger-Alice-miscreant-observant-changing size-crazy monster-impertinent-unappreciative-not giant now-Mary Ann-distraught-giantier-taking too long-simple-girly-girl giant, who had returned to her completely full size, said.

"Show her who cares for our Queen Mother!" The Impugned-fatuous Knave said throwing his chains off and the entire deck flew up and poof, the King Zinger-Alice-miscreant-observant-changing size-crazy monster-impertinent-unappreciative-not giant now-Mary Ann-distraught-giantier-taking too long-simple-girly-girl giant was quite simply gone.

"Knave, your support has touched us. And as these verses made your innocence obvious, this case is dismissed. Herald..." The King said.

Three tones on the horn and Rabbit cried, "Case dismissed. Please join the Royal Suit of Hearts for a feast in the Grand Hall." And the entire gallery stood up and headed for the Grand Hall. "Your Majesty, I need to return the Judge's wig to its storage place, on top of Grandfather Time." The White Rabbit said. A moment later the King gave it to him. Hoppity Hop and jumpity jump to the Main entry hall he hopped to place the wig back on top of Grandfather Time. Followed by the down-they-run coaxing of the mice that had up-they-run inside Grandfather Time after the White Rabbit had taken the wig down. A promise is a promise! Rabbit thought. With flickitta flick kick he excitedly headed to join the rest of the deck at the feast in the Grand hall. "Should through the looking-glass slip, that giant lack wit, a Jabberwocky for to fight, her side will I flow, intention and whoa; an adventure from Wonderland for me that day!" The White Rabbit promised himself; as he entered the feast in the Grand Hall.
The Purple Otter gets the Last Word

We want to take a moment to thank you for reading Chasing the White Rabbit along with a reprint of Lewis Carroll's Alice's Adventure in Wonderland, as the Afterword. This was a very fun adaptation to write and we hope that you a leaving it with with a smile on your face.

Each and every review is very important to independent authors. As we don't have the juggernaut support staffs that the major authors/publishers do. In this case it will be the reviews that tell us if moving forward with the series is important to you, our readers.

Along with this adaptation to Mr. Carroll's insane story, we've released three episodes of The Dirge, along with this pilot and if you wish to purchase it you can click the link to be taken there. We have also released Season One First Half and in you purchase that you can save 50% of if purchasing the titles individually. As well as the first four episodes from Storyteller's Bed and Breakfast.

If you would like the opportunity to become a beta-reader, getting free copies of upcoming books and receive a monthly newsletter subscribe to our email list by dropping our publisher an email: APGuild@outlook.com. When we have reached 100 subscribers we'll be adding an installment short story into our newsletter for our subsscribers only. The topic of this short story will be selected by our subscribers. So if you have an idea get your friends into the Purple Otter Syndicate as well.

Xavier P. Otter III

Afterword:

Reprint of

Alice's Adventures in Wonderland

by

Lewis Carroll

Original Publication 1865

Several copies of public domain printing of Lewis Carroll's Alice's Adventures in Wonderland were compared and verified for completeness.

Chapter I: Down the Rabbit-Hole

Alice was beginning to get very tired of sitting by her sister on the bank, and of having nothing to do: once or twice she had peeped into the book her sister was reading, but it had no pictures or conversations in it, 'and what is the use of a book,' thought Alice 'without pictures or conversation?'

So she was considering in her own mind (as well as she could, for the hot day made her feel very sleepy and stupid), whether the pleasure of making a daisy-chain would be worth the trouble of getting up and picking the daisies, when suddenly a White Rabbit with pink eyes ran close by her.

There was nothing so VERY remarkable in that; nor did Alice think it so VERY much out of the way to hear the Rabbit say to itself, 'Oh dear! Oh dear! I shall be late!' (when she thought it over afterwards, it occurred to her that she ought to have wondered at this, but at the time it all seemed quite natural); but when the Rabbit actually TOOK A WATCH OUT OF ITS WAISTCOAT- POCKET, and looked at it, and then hurried on, Alice started to her feet, for it flashed across her mind that she had never before seen a rabbit with either a waistcoat-pocket, or a watch to take out of it, and burning with curiosity, she ran across the field after it, and fortunately was just in time to see it pop down a large rabbit-hole under the hedge.

In another moment down went Alice after it, never once considering how in the world she was to get out again.

The rabbit-hole went straight on like a tunnel for some way, and then dipped suddenly down, so suddenly that Alice had not a moment to think about stopping herself before she found herself falling down a very deep well.

Either the well was very deep, or she fell very slowly, for she had plenty of time as she went down to look about her and to wonder what was going to happen next. First, she tried to look down and make out what she was coming to, but it was too dark to see anything; then she looked at the sides of the well, and noticed that they were filled with cupboards and book-shelves; here and there she saw maps and pictures hung upon pegs. She took down a jar from one of the shelves as she passed; it was labelled 'ORANGE MARMALADE', but to her great disappointment it was empty: she did not like to drop the jar for fear of killing somebody, so managed to put it into one of the cupboards as she fell past it.

'Well!' thought Alice to herself, 'after such a fall as this, I shall think nothing of tumbling down stairs! How brave they'll all think me at home! Why, I wouldn't say anything about it, even if I fell off the top of the house!' (Which was very likely true.)

Down, down, down. Would the fall NEVER come to an end! 'I wonder how many miles I've fallen by this time?' she said aloud. 'I must be getting somewhere near the center of the earth. Let me see: that would be four thousand miles down, I think--' (for, you see, Alice had learnt several things of this sort in her lessons in the schoolroom, and though this was not a VERY good opportunity for showing off her knowledge, as there was no one to listen to her, still it was good practice to say it over) '--yes, that's about the right distance--but then I wonder what Latitude or Longitude I've got to?' (Alice had no idea what Latitude was, or Longitude either, but thought they were nice grand words to say.)

Presently she began again. 'I wonder if I shall fall right THROUGH the earth! How funny it'll seem to come out among the people that walk with their heads downward! The Antipathies, I think--' (she was rather glad there WAS no one listening, this time, as it didn't sound at all the right word) '--but I shall have to ask them what the name of the country is, you know. Please, Ma'am, is this New Zealand or Australia?' (and she tried to curtsey as she spoke--fancy CURTSEYING as you're falling through the air! Do you think you could manage it?) 'And what an ignorant little girl she'll think me for asking! No, it'll never do to ask: perhaps I shall see it written up somewhere.'

Down, down, down. There was nothing else to do, so Alice soon began talking again. 'Dinah'll miss me very much to-night, I should think!' (Dinah was the cat.) 'I hope they'll remember her saucer of milk at tea-time. Dinah my dear! I wish you were down here with me! There are no mice in the air, I'm afraid, but you might catch a bat, and that's very like a mouse, you know. But do cats eat bats, I wonder?' And here Alice began to get rather sleepy, and went on saying to herself, in a dreamy sort of way, 'Do cats eat bats? Do cats eat bats?' and sometimes, 'Do bats eat cats?' for, you see, as she couldn't answer either question, it didn't much matter which way she put it. She felt that she was dozing off, and had just begun to dream that she was walking hand in hand with Dinah, and saying to her very earnestly, 'Now, Dinah, tell me the truth: did you ever eat a bat?' when suddenly, thump! thump! down she came upon a heap of sticks and dry leaves, and the fall was over.

Alice was not a bit hurt, and she jumped up on to her feet in a moment: she looked up, but it was all dark overhead; before her was another long passage, and the White Rabbit was still in sight, hurrying down it. There was not a moment to be lost: away went Alice like the wind, and was just in time to hear it say, as it turned a corner, 'Oh my ears and whiskers, how late it's getting!' She was close behind it when she turned the corner, but the Rabbit was no longer to be seen: she found herself in a long, low hall, which was lit up by a row of lamps hanging from the roof.

There were doors all-round the hall, but they were all locked; and when Alice had been all the way down one side and up the other, trying every door, she walked sadly down the middle, wondering how she was ever to get out again.

Suddenly she came upon a little three-legged table, all made of solid glass; there was nothing on it except a tiny golden key, and Alice's first thought was that it might belong to one of the doors of the hall; but, alas! either the locks were too large, or the key was too small, but at any rate it would not open any of them. However, on the second time round, she came upon a low curtain she had not noticed before, and behind it was a little door about fifteen inches high: she tried the little golden key in the lock, and to her great delight it fitted!

Alice opened the door and found that it led into a small passage, not much larger than a rat-hole: she knelt down and looked along the passage into the loveliest garden you ever saw. How she longed to get out of that dark hall, and wander about among those beds of bright flowers and those cool fountains, but she could not even get her head though the doorway; 'and even if my head would go through,' thought poor Alice, 'it would be of very little use without my shoulders. Oh, how I wish I could shut up like a telescope! I think I could, if I only know how to begin.' For, you see, so many out-of-the-way things had happened lately, that Alice had begun to think that very few things indeed were really impossible.

There seemed to be no use in waiting by the little door, so she went back to the table, half hoping she might find another key on it, or at any rate a book of rules for shutting people up like telescopes: this time she found a little bottle on it, ('which certainly was not here before,' said Alice,) and round the neck of the bottle was a paper label, with the words 'DRINK ME' beautifully printed on it in large letters.

It was all very well to say 'Drink me,' but the wise little Alice was not going to do THAT in a hurry. 'No, I'll look first,' she said, 'and see whether it's marked "poison" or not'; for she had read several nice little histories about children who had got burnt, and eaten up by wild beasts and other unpleasant things, all because they WOULD not remember the simple rules their friends had taught them: such as, that a red-hot poker will burn you if you hold it too long; and that if you cut your finger VERY deeply with a knife, it usually bleeds; and she had never forgotten that, if you drink much from a bottle marked 'poison,' it is almost certain to disagree with you, sooner or later.

However, this bottle was NOT marked 'poison,' so Alice ventured to taste it, and finding it very nice, (it had, in fact, a sort of mixed flavor of cherry-tart, custard, pine-apple, roast turkey, toffee, and hot buttered toast,) she very soon finished it off.

'What a curious feeling!' said Alice; 'I must be shutting up like a telescope.'

And so it was indeed: she was now only ten inches high, and her face brightened up at the thought that she was now the right size for going through the little door into that lovely garden. First, however, she waited for a few minutes to see if she was going to shrink any further: she felt a little nervous about this; 'for it might end, you know,' said Alice to herself, 'in my going out altogether, like a candle. I wonder what I should be like then?' And she tried to fancy what the flame of a candle is like after the candle is blown out, for she could not remember ever having seen such a thing.

After a while, finding that nothing more happened, she decided on going into the garden at once; but, alas for poor Alice! when she got to the door, she found he had forgotten the little golden key, and when she went back to the table for it, she found she could not possibly reach it: she could see it quite plainly through the glass, and she tried her best to climb up one of the legs of the table, but it was too slippery; and when she had tired herself out with trying, the poor little thing sat down and cried.

'Come, there's no use in crying like that!' said Alice to herself, rather sharply; 'I advise you to leave off this minute!' She generally gave herself very good advice, (though she very seldom followed it), and sometimes she scolded herself so severely as to bring tears into her eyes; and once she remembered trying to box her own ears for having cheated herself in a game of croquet she was playing against herself, for this curious child was very fond of pretending to be two people. 'But it's no use now,' thought poor Alice, 'to pretend to be two people! Why, there's hardly enough of me left to make ONE respectable person!'

Soon her eye fell on a little glass box that was lying under the table: she opened it, and found in it a very small cake, on which the words 'EAT ME' were beautifully marked in currants. 'Well, I'll eat it,' said Alice, 'and if it makes me grow larger, I can reach the key; and if it makes me grow smaller, I can creep under the door; so either way I'll get into the garden, and I don't care which happens!'

She ate a little bit, and said anxiously to herself, 'Which way? Which way?', holding her hand on the top of her head to feel which way it was growing, and she was quite surprised to find that she remained the same size: to be sure, this generally happens when one eats cake, but Alice had got so much into the way of expecting nothing but out-of-the-way things to happen, that it seemed quite dull and stupid for life to go on in the common way.

So she set to work, and very soon finished off the cake.

Chapter II: The Pool of Tears

'Curiouser and curiouser!' cried Alice (she was so much surprised, that for the moment she quite forgot how to speak good English); 'now I'm opening out like the largest telescope that ever was! Good-bye, feet!' (for when she looked down at her feet, they seemed to be almost out of sight, they were getting so far off). 'Oh, my poor little feet, I wonder who will put on your shoes and stockings for you now, dears? I'm sure _I_ shan't be able! I shall be a great deal too far off to trouble myself about you: you must manage the best way you can; --but I must be kind to them,' thought Alice, 'or perhaps they won't walk the way I want to go! Let me see: I'll give them a new pair of boots every Christmas.'

And she went on planning to herself how she would manage it. 'They must go by the carrier,' she thought; 'and how funny it'll seem, sending presents to one's own feet! And how odd the directions will look!

ALICE'S RIGHT FOOT, ESQ.  
HEARTHRUG,  
NEAR THE FENDER,  
(WITH ALICE'S LOVE).

Oh dear, what nonsense I'm talking!'

Just then her head struck against the roof of the hall: in fact she was now more than nine feet high, and she at once took up the little golden key and hurried off to the garden door.

Poor Alice! It was as much as she could do, lying down on one side, to look through into the garden with one eye; but to get through was more hopeless than ever: she sat down and began to cry again.

'You ought to be ashamed of yourself,' said Alice, 'a great girl like you,' (she might well say this), 'to go on crying in this way! Stop this moment, I tell you!' But she went on all the same, shedding gallons of tears, until there was a large pool all round her, about four inches deep and reaching half down the hall.

After a time she heard a little pattering of feet in the distance, and she hastily dried her eyes to see what was coming. It was the White Rabbit returning, splendidly dressed, with a pair of white kid gloves in one hand and a large fan in the other: he came trotting along in a great hurry, muttering to himself as he came, 'Oh! the Duchess, the Duchess! Oh! won't she be savage if I've kept her waiting!' Alice felt so desperate that she was ready to ask help of any one; so, when the Rabbit came near her, she began, in a low, timid voice, 'If you please, sir--' The Rabbit started violently, dropped the white kid gloves and the fan, and skurried away into the darkness as hard as he could go.

Alice took up the fan and gloves, and, as the hall was very hot, she kept fanning herself all the time she went on talking: 'Dear, dear! How queer everything is to-day! And yesterday things went on just as usual. I wonder if I've been changed in the night? Let me think: was I the same when I got up this morning? I almost think I can remember feeling a little different. But if I'm not the same, the next question is, Who in the world am I? Ah, THAT'S the great puzzle!' And she began thinking over all the children she knew that were of the same age as herself, to see if she could have been changed for any of them.

'I'm sure I'm not Ada,' she said, 'for her hair goes in such long ringlets, and mine doesn't go in ringlets at all; and I'm sure I can't be Mabel, for I know all sorts of things, and she, oh! she knows such a very little! Besides, SHE'S she, and I'm I, and--oh dear, how puzzling it all is! I'll try if I know all the things I used to know. Let me see: four times five is twelve, and four times six is thirteen, and four times seven is--oh dear! I shall never get to twenty at that rate! However, the Multiplication Table doesn't signify: let's try Geography. London is the capital of Paris, and Paris is the capital of Rome, and Rome--no, THAT'S all wrong, I'm certain! I must have been changed for Mabel! I'll try and say "How doth the little--"' and she crossed her hands on her lap as if she were saying lessons, and began to repeat it, but her voice sounded hoarse and strange, and the words did not come the same as they used to do:--

'How doth the little crocodile  
Improve his shining tail,  
And pour the waters of the Nile  
On every golden scale!

'How cheerfully he seems to grin,  
How neatly spread his claws,  
And welcome little fishes in  
With gently smiling jaws!'

'I'm sure those are not the right words,' said poor Alice, and her eyes filled with tears again as she went on, 'I must be Mabel after all, and I shall have to go and live in that poky little house, and have next to no toys to play with, and oh! ever so many lessons to learn! No, I've made up my mind about it; if I'm Mabel, I'll stay down here! It'll be no use their putting their heads down and saying "Come up again, dear!" I shall only look up and say "Who am I then? Tell me that first, and then, if I like being that person, I'll come up: if not, I'll stay down here till I'm somebody else"\--but, oh dear!' cried Alice, with a sudden burst of tears, 'I do wish they WOULD put their heads down! I am so VERY tired of being all alone here!'

As she said this she looked down at her hands, and was surprised to see that she had put on one of the Rabbit's little white kid gloves while she was talking. 'How CAN I have done that?' she thought. 'I must be growing small again.' She got up and went to the table to measure herself by it, and found that, as nearly as she could guess, she was now about two feet high, and was going on shrinking rapidly: she soon found out that the cause of this was the fan she was holding, and she dropped it hastily, just in time to avoid shrinking away altogether.

'That WAS a narrow escape!' said Alice, a good deal frightened at the sudden change, but very glad to find herself still in existence; 'and now for the garden!' and she ran with all speed back to the little door: but, alas! the little door was shut again, and the little golden key was lying on the glass table as before, 'and things are worse than ever,' thought the poor child, 'for I never was so small as this before, never! And I declare it's too bad, that it is!'

As she said these words her foot slipped, and in another moment, splash! she was up to her chin in salt water. He first idea was that she had somehow fallen into the sea, 'and in that case I can go back by railway,' she said to herself. (Alice had been to the seaside once in her life, and had come to the general conclusion, that wherever you go to on the English coast you find a number of bathing machines in the sea, some children digging in the sand with wooden spades, then a row of lodging houses, and behind them a railway station.) However, she soon made out that she was in the pool of tears which she had wept when she was nine feet high.

'I wish I hadn't cried so much!' said Alice, as she swam about, trying to find her way out. 'I shall be punished for it now, I suppose, by being drowned in my own tears! That WILL be a queer thing, to be sure! However, everything is queer to-day.'

Just then she heard something splashing about in the pool a little way off, and she swam nearer to make out what it was: at first she thought it must be a walrus or hippopotamus, but then she remembered how small she was now, and she soon made out that it was only a mouse that had slipped in like herself.

'Would it be of any use, now,' thought Alice, 'to speak to this mouse? Everything is so out-of-the-way down here, that I should think very likely it can talk: at any rate, there's no harm in trying.' So she began: 'O Mouse, do you know the way out of this pool? I am very tired of swimming about here, O Mouse!' (Alice thought this must be the right way of speaking to a mouse: she had never done such a thing before, but she remembered having seen in her brother's Latin Grammar, 'A mouse--of a mouse--to a mouse--a mouse--O mouse!' The Mouse looked at her rather inquisitively, and seemed to her to wink with one of its little eyes, but it said nothing. 'Perhaps it doesn't understand English,' thought Alice; 'I daresay it's a French mouse, come over with William the Conqueror.' (For, with all her knowledge of history, Alice had no very clear notion how long ago anything had happened.) So she began again: 'Ou est ma chatte?' which was the first sentence in her French lesson-book. The Mouse gave a sudden leap out of the water, and seemed to quiver all over with fright. 'Oh, I beg your pardon!' cried Alice hastily, afraid that she had hurt the poor animal's feelings. 'I quite forgot you didn't like cats.'

'Not like cats!' cried the Mouse, in a shrill, passionate voice. 'Would YOU like cats if you were me?'

'Well, perhaps not,' said Alice in a soothing tone: 'don't be angry about it. And yet I wish I could show you our cat Dinah: I think you'd take a fancy to cats if you could only see her. She is such a dear quiet thing,' Alice went on, half to herself, as she swam lazily about in the pool, 'and she sits purring so nicely by the fire, licking her paws and washing her face--and she is such a nice soft thing to nurse--and she's such a capital one for catching mice--oh, I beg your pardon!' cried Alice again, for this time the Mouse was bristling all over, and she felt certain it must be really offended. 'We won't talk about her any more if you'd rather not.'

'We indeed!' cried the Mouse, who was trembling down to the end of his tail. 'As if I would talk on such a subject! Our family always HATED cats: nasty, low, vulgar things! Don't let me hear the name again!'

'I won't indeed!' said Alice, in a great hurry to change the subject of conversation. 'Are you--are you fond--of--of dogs?' The Mouse did not answer, so Alice went on eagerly: 'There is such a nice little dog near our house I should like to show you! A little bright-eyed terrier, you know, with oh, such long curly brown hair! And it'll fetch things when you throw them, and it'll sit up and beg for its dinner, and all sorts of things--I can't remember half of them--and it belongs to a farmer, you know, and he says it's so useful, it's worth a hundred pounds! He says it kills all the rats and--oh dear!' cried Alice in a sorrowful tone, 'I'm afraid I've offended it again!' For the Mouse was swimming away from her as hard as it could go, and making quite a commotion in the pool as it went.

So she called softly after it, 'Mouse dear! Do come back again, and we won't talk about cats or dogs either, if you don't like them!' When the Mouse heard this, it turned round and swam slowly back to her: its face was quite pale (with passion, Alice thought), and it said in a low trembling voice, 'Let us get to the shore, and then I'll tell you my history, and you'll understand why it is I hate cats and dogs.'

It was high time to go, for the pool was getting quite crowded with the birds and animals that had fallen into it: there were a Duck and a Dodo, a Lory and an Eaglet, and several other curious creatures. Alice led the way, and the whole party swam to shore.

Chapter III: A Caucus-Race and a Long Tale

They were indeed a queer-looking party that assembled on the bank--the birds with draggled feathers, the animals with their fur clinging close to them, and all dripping wet, cross, and uncomfortable.

The first question of course was, how to get dry again: they had a consultation about this, and after a few minutes it seemed quite natural to Alice to find herself talking familiarly with them, as if she had known them all her life. Indeed, she had quite a long argument with the Lory, who at last turned sulky, and would only say, 'I am older than you, and must know better'; and this Alice would not allow without knowing how old it was, and, as the Lory positively refused to tell its age, there was no more to be said.

At last the Mouse, who seemed to be a person of authority among them, called out, 'Sit down, all of you, and listen to me! I'LL soon make you dry enough!' They all sat down at once, in a large ring, with the Mouse in the middle. Alice kept her eyes anxiously fixed on it, for she felt sure she would catch a bad cold if she did not get dry very soon.

'Ahem!' said the Mouse with an important air, 'are you all ready? This is the driest thing I know. Silence all round, if you please! "William the Conqueror, whose cause was favored by the pope, was soon submitted to by the English, who wanted leaders, and had been of late much accustomed to usurpation and conquest. Edwin and Morcar, the earls of Mercia and Northumbria--"'

'Ugh!' said the Lory, with a shiver.

'I beg your pardon!' said the Mouse, frowning, but very politely: 'Did you speak?'

'Not I!' said the Lory hastily.

'I thought you did,' said the Mouse. '--I proceed. "Edwin and Morcar, the earls of Mercia and Northumbria, declared for him: and even Stigand, the patriotic archbishop of Canterbury, found it advisable--"'

'Found WHAT?' said the Duck.

'Found IT,' the Mouse replied rather crossly: 'of course you know what "it" means.'

'I know what "it" means well enough, when I find a thing,' said the Duck: 'it's generally a frog or a worm. The question is, what did the archbishop find?'

The Mouse did not notice this question, but hurriedly went on, '"\--found it advisable to go with Edgar Atheling to meet William and offer him the crown. William's conduct at first was moderate. But the insolence of his Normans--" How are you getting on now, my dear?' it continued, turning to Alice as it spoke.

'As wet as ever,' said Alice in a melancholy tone: 'it doesn't seem to dry me at all.'

'In that case,' said the Dodo solemnly, rising to its feet, 'I move that the meeting adjourn, for the immediate adoption of more energetic remedies--'

'Speak English!' said the Eaglet. 'I don't know the meaning of half those long words, and, what's more, I don't believe you do either!' And the Eaglet bent down its head to hide a smile: some of the other birds tittered audibly.

'What I was going to say,' said the Dodo in an offended tone, 'was, that the best thing to get us dry would be a Caucus-race.'

'What IS a Caucus-race?' said Alice; not that she wanted much to know, but the Dodo had paused as if it thought that SOMEBODY ought to speak, and no one else seemed inclined to say anything.

'Why,' said the Dodo, 'the best way to explain it is to do it.' (And, as you might like to try the thing yourself, some winter day, I will tell you how the Dodo managed it.)

First it marked out a race-course, in a sort of circle, ('the exact shape doesn't matter,' it said,) and then all the party were placed along the course, here and there. There was no 'One, two, three, and away,' but they began running when they liked, and left off when they liked, so that it was not easy to know when the race was over. However, when they had been running half an hour or so, and were quite dry again, the Dodo suddenly called out 'The race is over!' and they all crowded round it, panting, and asking, 'But who has won?'

This question the Dodo could not answer without a great deal of thought, and it sat for a long time with one finger pressed upon its forehead (the position in which you usually see Shakespeare, in the pictures of him), while the rest waited in silence. At last the Dodo said, 'EVERYBODY has won, and all must have prizes.'

'But who is to give the prizes?' quite a chorus of voices asked.

'Why, SHE, of course,' said the Dodo, pointing to Alice with one finger; and the whole party at once crowded round her, calling out in a confused way, 'Prizes! Prizes!'

Alice had no idea what to do, and in despair she put her hand in her pocket, and pulled out a box of comfits, (luckily the salt water had not got into it), and handed them round as prizes. There was exactly one a-piece all round. 'But she must have a prize herself, you know,' said the Mouse.

'Of course,' the Dodo replied very gravely. 'What else have you got in your pocket?' he went on, turning to Alice.

'Only a thimble,' said Alice sadly.

'Hand it over here,' said the Dodo.

Then they all crowded round her once more, while the Dodo solemnly presented the thimble, saying 'We beg your acceptance of this elegant thimble'; and, when it had finished this short speech, they all cheered.

Alice thought the whole thing very absurd, but they all looked so grave that she did not dare to laugh; and, as she could not think of anything to say, she simply bowed, and took the thimble, looking as solemn as she could.

The next thing was to eat the comfits: this caused some noise and confusion, as the large birds complained that they could not taste theirs, and the small ones choked and had to be patted on the back. However, it was over at last, and they sat down again in a ring, and begged the Mouse to tell them something more.

'You promised to tell me your history, you know,' said Alice, 'and why it is you hate--C and D,' she added in a whisper, half afraid that it would be offended again.

'Mine is a long and a sad tale!' said the Mouse, turning to Alice, and sighing.

'It IS a long tail, certainly,' said Alice, looking down with wonder at the Mouse's tail; 'but why do you call it sad?' And she kept on puzzling about it while the Mouse was speaking, so that her idea of the tale was something like this:--

'Fury said to a  
mouse, That he  
met in the  
house,  
"Let us  
both go to  
law: I will  
prosecute  
YOU. --Come,  
I'll take no  
denial; We  
must have a  
trial: For  
really this  
morning I've  
nothing  
to do."  
Said the  
mouse to the  
cur, "Such  
a trial,  
dear Sir,  
With  
no jury  
or judge,  
would be  
wasting  
our  
breath."  
"I'll be  
judge, I'll  
be jury,"  
Said  
cunning  
old Fury:  
"I'll  
try the  
whole  
cause,  
and  
condemn  
you  
to  
death."'

'You are not attending!' said the Mouse to Alice severely. 'What are you thinking of?'

'I beg your pardon,' said Alice very humbly: 'you had got to the fifth bend, I think?'

'I had NOT!' cried the Mouse, sharply and very angrily.

'A knot!' said Alice, always ready to make herself useful, and looking anxiously about her. 'Oh, do let me help to undo it!'

'I shall do nothing of the sort,' said the Mouse, getting up and walking away. 'You insult me by talking such nonsense!'

'I didn't mean it!' pleaded poor Alice. 'But you're so easily offended, you know!'

The Mouse only growled in reply.

'Please come back and finish your story!' Alice called after it; and the others all joined in chorus, 'Yes, please do!' but the Mouse only shook its head impatiently, and walked a little quicker.

'What a pity it wouldn't stay!' sighed the Lory, as soon as it was quite out of sight; and an old Crab took the opportunity of saying to her daughter 'Ah, my dear! Let this be a lesson to you never to lose YOUR temper!' 'Hold your tongue, Ma!' said the young Crab, a little snappishly. 'You're enough to try the patience of an oyster!'

'I wish I had our Dinah here, I know I do!' said Alice aloud, addressing nobody in particular. 'She'd soon fetch it back!'

'And who is Dinah, if I might venture to ask the question?' said the Lory.

Alice replied eagerly, for she was always ready to talk about her pet: 'Dinah's our cat. And she's such a capital one for catching mice you can't think! And oh, I wish you could see her after the birds! Why, she'll eat a little bird as soon as look at it!'

This speech caused a remarkable sensation among the party. Some of the birds hurried off at once: one the old Magpie began wrapping itself up very carefully, remarking, 'I really must be getting home; the night-air doesn't suit my throat!' and a Canary called out in a trembling voice to its children, 'Come away, my dears! It's high time you were all in bed!' On various pretexts they all moved off, and Alice was soon left alone.

'I wish I hadn't mentioned Dinah!' she said to herself in a melancholy tone. 'Nobody seems to like her, down here, and I'm sure she's the best cat in the world! Oh, my dear Dinah! I wonder if I shall ever see you anymore!' And here poor Alice began to cry again, for she felt very lonely and low-spirited. In a little while, however, she again heard a little pattering of footsteps in the distance, and she looked up eagerly, half hoping that the Mouse had changed his mind, and was coming back to finish his story.

Chapter IV: The Rabbit Sends in a Little Bill

It was the White Rabbit, trotting slowly back again, and looking anxiously about as it went, as if it had lost something; and she heard it muttering to itself 'The Duchess! The Duchess! Oh my dear paws! Oh my fur and whiskers! She'll get me executed, as sure as ferrets are ferrets! Where CAN I have dropped them, I wonder?' Alice guessed in a moment that it was looking for the fan and the pair of white kid gloves, and she very good-naturedly began hunting about for them, but they were nowhere to be seen--everything seemed to have changed since her swim in the pool, and the great hall, with the glass table and the little door, had vanished completely.

Very soon the Rabbit noticed Alice, as she went hunting about, and called out to her in an angry tone, 'Why, Mary Ann, what ARE you doing out here? Run home this moment, and fetch me a pair of gloves and a fan! Quick, now!' And Alice was so much frightened that she ran off at once in the direction it pointed to, without trying to explain the mistake it had made.

'He took me for his housemaid,' she said to herself as she ran. 'How surprised he'll be when he finds out who I am! But I'd better take him his fan and gloves--that is, if I can find them.' As she said this, she came upon a neat little house, on the door of which was a bright brass plate with the name 'W. RABBIT' engraved upon it. She went in without knocking, and hurried upstairs, in great fear lest she should meet the real Mary Ann, and be turned out of the house before she had found the fan and gloves.

'How queer it seems,' Alice said to herself, 'to be going messages for a rabbit! I suppose Dinah'll be sending me on messages next!' And she began fancying the sort of thing that would happen: '"Miss Alice! Come here directly, and get ready for your walk!" "Coming in a minute, nurse! But I've got to see that the mouse doesn't get out." Only I don't think,' Alice went on, 'that they'd let Dinah stop in the house if it began ordering people about like that!'

By this time she had found her way into a tidy little room with a table in the window, and on it (as she had hoped) a fan and two or three pairs of tiny white kid gloves: she took up the fan and a pair of the gloves, and was just going to leave the room, when her eye fell upon a little bottle that stood near the looking- glass. There was no label this time with the words 'DRINK ME,' but nevertheless she uncorked it and put it to her lips. 'I know SOMETHING interesting is sure to happen,' she said to herself, 'whenever I eat or drink anything; so I'll just see what this bottle does. I do hope it'll make me grow large again, for really I'm quite tired of being such a tiny little thing!'

It did so indeed, and much sooner than she had expected: before she had drunk half the bottle, she found her head pressing against the ceiling, and had to stoop to save her neck from being broken. She hastily put down the bottle, saying to herself 'That's quite enough--I hope I shan't grow any more--As it is, I can't get out at the door--I do wish I hadn't drunk quite so much!'

Alas! it was too late to wish that! She went on growing, and growing, and very soon had to kneel down on the floor: in another minute there was not even room for this, and she tried the effect of lying down with one elbow against the door, and the other arm curled round her head. Still she went on growing, and, as a last resource, she put one arm out of the window, and one foot up the chimney, and said to herself 'Now I can do no more, whatever happens. What WILL become of me?'

Luckily for Alice, the little magic bottle had now had its full effect, and she grew no larger: still it was very uncomfortable, and, as there seemed to be no sort of chance of her ever getting out of the room again, no wonder she felt unhappy.

'It was much pleasanter at home,' thought poor Alice, 'when one wasn't always growing larger and smaller, and being ordered about by mice and rabbits. I almost wish I hadn't gone down that rabbit-hole--and yet--and yet--it's rather curious, you know, this sort of life! I do wonder what CAN have happened to me! When I used to read fairy-tales, I fancied that kind of thing never happened, and now here I am in the middle of one! There ought to be a book written about me, that there ought! And when I grow up, I'll write one--but I'm grown up now,' she added in a sorrowful tone; 'at least there's no room to grow up any more HERE.'

'But then,' thought Alice, 'shall I NEVER get any older than I am now? That'll be a comfort, one way--never to be an old woman- -but then--always to have lessons to learn! Oh, I shouldn't like THAT!'

'Oh, you foolish Alice!' she answered herself. 'How can you learn lessons in here? Why, there's hardly room for YOU, and no room at all for any lesson-books!'

And so she went on, taking first one side and then the other, and making quite a conversation of it altogether; but after a few minutes she heard a voice outside, and stopped to listen.

'Mary Ann! Mary Ann!' said the voice. 'Fetch me my gloves this moment!' Then came a little pattering of feet on the stairs. Alice knew it was the Rabbit coming to look for her, and she trembled till she shook the house, quite forgetting that she was now about a thousand times as large as the Rabbit, and had no reason to be afraid of it.

Presently the Rabbit came up to the door, and tried to open it; but, as the door opened inwards, and Alice's elbow was pressed hard against it, that attempt proved a failure. Alice heard it say to itself 'Then I'll go round and get in at the window.'

'THAT you won't' thought Alice, and, after waiting till she fancied she heard the Rabbit just under the window, she suddenly spread out her hand, and made a snatch in the air. She did not get hold of anything, but she heard a little shriek and a fall, and a crash of broken glass, from which she concluded that it was just possible it had fallen into a cucumber-frame, or something of the sort.

Next came an angry voice--the Rabbit's--'Pat! Pat! Where are you?' And then a voice she had never heard before, 'Sure then I'm here! Digging for apples, yer honour!'

'Digging for apples, indeed!' said the Rabbit angrily. 'Here! Come and help me out of THIS!' (Sounds of more broken glass.)

'Now tell me, Pat, what's that in the window?'

'Sure, it's an arm, yer honor!' (He pronounced it 'arrum.')

'An arm, you goose! Who ever saw one that size? Why, it fills the whole window!'

'Sure, it does, yer honour: but it's an arm for all that.'

'Well, it's got no business there, at any rate: go and take it away!'

There was a long silence after this, and Alice could only hear whispers now and then; such as, 'Sure, I don't like it, yer honor, at all, at all!' 'Do as I tell you, you coward!' and at last she spread out her hand again, and made another snatch in the air. This time there were TWO little shrieks, and more sounds of broken glass. 'What a number of cucumber-frames there must be!' thought Alice. 'I wonder what they'll do next! As for pulling me out of the window, I only wish they COULD! I'm sure I don't want to stay in here any longer!'

She waited for some time without hearing anything more: at last came a rumbling of little cartwheels, and the sound of a good many voice all talking together: she made out the words: 'Where's the other ladder?--Why, I hadn't to bring but one; Bill's got the other--Bill! fetch it here, lad!--Here, put 'em up at this corner--No, tie 'em together first--they don't reach half high enough yet--Oh! they'll do well enough; don't be particular- -Here, Bill! catch hold of this rope--Will the roof bear?--Mind that loose slate--Oh, it's coming down! Heads below!' (a loud crash)--'Now, who did that?--It was Bill, I fancy--Who's to go down the chimney?--Nay, I shan't! YOU do it!--That I won't, then!--Bill's to go down--Here, Bill! the master says you're to go down the chimney!'

'Oh! So Bill's got to come down the chimney, has he?' said Alice to herself. 'Shy, they seem to put everything upon Bill! I wouldn't be in Bill's place for a good deal: this fireplace is narrow, to be sure; but I THINK I can kick a little!'

She drew her foot as far down the chimney as she could, and waited till she heard a little animal (she couldn't guess of what sort it was) scratching and scrambling about in the chimney close above her: then, saying to herself 'This is Bill,' she gave one sharp kick, and waited to see what would happen next.

The first thing she heard was a general chorus of 'There goes Bill!' then the Rabbit's voice along--'Catch him, you by the hedge!' then silence, and then another confusion of voices--'Hold up his head--Brandy now--Don't choke him--How was it, old fellow? What happened to you? Tell us all about it!'

Last came a little feeble, squeaking voice, ('That's Bill,' thought Alice,) 'Well, I hardly know--No more, thank ye; I'm better now--but I'm a deal too flustered to tell you--all I know is, something comes at me like a Jack-in-the-box, and up I goes like a sky-rocket!'

'So you did, old fellow!' said the others.

'We must burn the house down!' said the Rabbit's voice; and Alice called out as loud as she could, 'If you do. I'll set Dinah at you!'

There was a dead silence instantly, and Alice thought to herself, 'I wonder what they WILL do next! If they had any sense, they'd take the roof off.' After a minute or two, they began moving about again, and Alice heard the Rabbit say, 'A barrowful will do, to begin with.'

'A barrowful of WHAT?' thought Alice; but she had not long to doubt, for the next moment a shower of little pebbles came rattling in at the window, and some of them hit her in the face. 'I'll put a stop to this,' she said to herself, and shouted out, 'You'd better not do that again!' which produced another dead silence.

Alice noticed with some surprise that the pebbles were all turning into little cakes as they lay on the floor, and a bright idea came into her head. 'If I eat one of these cakes,' she thought, 'it's sure to make SOME change in my size; and as it can't possibly make me larger, it must make me smaller, I suppose.'

So she swallowed one of the cakes, and was delighted to find that she began shrinking directly. As soon as she was small enough to get through the door, she ran out of the house, and found quite a crowd of little animals and birds waiting outside. The poor little Lizard, Bill, was in the middle, being held up by two guinea-pigs, who were giving it something out of a bottle. They all made a rush at Alice the moment she appeared; but she ran off as hard as she could, and soon found herself safe in a thick wood.

'The first thing I've got to do,' said Alice to herself, as she wandered about in the wood, 'is to grow to my right size again; and the second thing is to find my way into that lovely garden. I think that will be the best plan.'

It sounded an excellent plan, no doubt, and very neatly and simply arranged; the only difficulty was, that she had not the smallest idea how to set about it; and while she was peering about anxiously among the trees, a little sharp bark just over her head made her look up in a great hurry.

An enormous puppy was looking down at her with large round eyes, and feebly stretching out one paw, trying to touch her. 'Poor little thing!' said Alice, in a coaxing tone, and she tried hard to whistle to it; but she was terribly frightened all the time at the thought that it might be hungry, in which case it would be very likely to eat her up in spite of all her coaxing.

Hardly knowing what she did, she picked up a little bit of stick, and held it out to the puppy; whereupon the puppy jumped into the air off all its feet at once, with a yelp of delight, and rushed at the stick, and made believe to worry it; then Alice dodged behind a great thistle, to keep herself from being run over; and the moment she appeared on the other side, the puppy made another rush at the stick, and tumbled head over heels in its hurry to get hold of it; then Alice, thinking it was very like having a game of play with a cart-horse, and expecting every moment to be trampled under its feet, ran round the thistle again; then the puppy began a series of short charges at the stick, running a very little way forwards each time and a long way back, and barking hoarsely all the while, till at last it sat down a good way off, panting, with its tongue hanging out of its mouth, and its great eyes half shut.

This seemed to Alice a good opportunity for making her escape; so she set off at once, and ran till she was quite tired and out of breath, and till the puppy's bark sounded quite faint in the distance.

'And yet what a dear little puppy it was!' said Alice, as she leant against a buttercup to rest herself, and fanned herself with one of the leaves: 'I should have liked teaching it tricks very much, if--if I'd only been the right size to do it! Oh dear! I'd nearly forgotten that I've got to grow up again! Let me see--how IS it to be managed? I suppose I ought to eat or drink something or other; but the great question is, what?'

The great question certainly was, what? Alice looked all round her at the flowers and the blades of grass, but she did not see anything that looked like the right thing to eat or drink under the circumstances. There was a large mushroom growing near her, about the same height as herself; and when she had looked under it, and on both sides of it, and behind it, it occurred to her that she might as well look and see what was on the top of it.

She stretched herself up on tiptoe, and peeped over the edge of the mushroom, and her eyes immediately met those of a large caterpillar, that was sitting on the top with its arms folded, quietly smoking a long hookah, and taking not the smallest notice of her or of anything else.
Chapter V: Advice from a Caterpillar

The Caterpillar and Alice looked at each other for some time in silence: at last the Caterpillar took the hookah out of its mouth, and addressed her in a languid, sleepy voice.

'Who are YOU?' said the Caterpillar.

This was not an encouraging opening for a conversation. Alice replied, rather shyly, 'I--I hardly know, sir, just at present-- at least I know who I WAS when I got up this morning, but I think I must have been changed several times since then.'

'What do you mean by that?' said the Caterpillar sternly. 'Explain yourself!'

'I can't explain MYSELF, I'm afraid, sir' said Alice, 'because I'm not myself, you see.'

'I don't see,' said the Caterpillar.

'I'm afraid I can't put it more clearly,' Alice replied very politely, 'for I can't understand it myself to begin with; and being so many different sizes in a day is very confusing.'

'It isn't,' said the Caterpillar.

'Well, perhaps you haven't found it so yet,' said Alice; 'but when you have to turn into a chrysalis--you will someday, you know--and then after that into a butterfly, I should think you'll feel it a little queer, won't you?'

'Not a bit,' said the Caterpillar.

'Well, perhaps your feelings may be different,' said Alice; 'all I know is, it would feel very queer to ME.'

'You!' said the Caterpillar contemptuously. 'Who are YOU?'

Which brought them back again to the beginning of the conversation. Alice felt a little irritated at the Caterpillar's making such VERY short remarks, and she drew herself up and said, very gravely, 'I think, you ought to tell me who YOU are, first.'

'Why?' said the Caterpillar.

Here was another puzzling question; and as Alice could not think of any good reason, and as the Caterpillar seemed to be in a VERY unpleasant state of mind, she turned away.

'Come back!' the Caterpillar called after her. 'I've something important to say!'

This sounded promising, certainly: Alice turned and came back again.

'Keep your temper,' said the Caterpillar.

'Is that all?' said Alice, swallowing down her anger as well as she could.

'No,' said the Caterpillar.

Alice thought she might as well wait, as she had nothing else to do, and perhaps after all it might tell her something worth hearing. For some minutes it puffed away without speaking, but at last it unfolded its arms, took the hookah out of its mouth again, and said, 'So you think you're changed, do you?'

'I'm afraid I am, sir,' said Alice; 'I can't remember things as I used--and I don't keep the same size for ten minutes together!'

'Can't remember WHAT things?' said the Caterpillar.

'Well, I've tried to say "HOW DOTH THE LITTLE BUSY BEE," but it all came different!' Alice replied in a very melancholy voice.

'Repeat, "YOU ARE OLD, FATHER WILLIAM,"' said the Caterpillar.

Alice folded her hands, and began:--

'You are old, Father William,' the young man said,

'And your hair has become very white;

And yet you incessantly stand on your head—

Do you think, at your age, it is right?'

'In my youth,' Father William replied to his son,

'I feared it might injure the brain;

But, now that I'm perfectly sure I have none,

Why, I do it again and again.'

'You are old,' said the youth, 'as I mentioned before,

And have grown most uncommonly fat;

Yet you turned a back-somersault in at the door—

Pray, what is the reason of that?'

'In my youth,' said the sage, as he shook his grey locks,

'I kept all my limbs very supple

By the use of this ointment--one shilling the box—

Allow me to sell you a couple?'

'You are old,' said the youth, 'and your jaws are too weak

For anything tougher than suet;

Yet you finished the goose, with the bones and the beak—

Pray how did you manage to do it?'

'In my youth,' said his father, 'I took to the law,

And argued each case with my wife;

And the muscular strength, which it gave to my jaw,

Has lasted the rest of my life.'

'You are old,' said the youth, 'one would hardly suppose

That your eye was as steady as ever;

Yet you balanced an eel on the end of your nose—

What made you so awfully clever?'

'I have answered three questions, and that is enough,'

Said his father; 'don't give yourself airs!

Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff?

Be off, or I'll kick you down stairs!'

'That is not said right,' said the Caterpillar.

'Not QUITE right, I'm afraid,' said Alice, timidly; 'some of the words have got altered.'

'It is wrong from beginning to end,' said the Caterpillar decidedly, and there was silence for some minutes.

The Caterpillar was the first to speak.

'What size do you want to be?' it asked.

'Oh, I'm not particular as to size,' Alice hastily replied; 'only one doesn't like changing so often, you know.'

'I DON'T know,' said the Caterpillar.

Alice said nothing: she had never been so much contradicted in her life before, and she felt that she was losing her temper.

'Are you content now?' said the Caterpillar.

'Well, I should like to be a LITTLE larger, sir, if you wouldn't mind,' said Alice: 'three inches is such a wretched height to be.'

'It is a very good height indeed!' said the Caterpillar angrily, rearing itself upright as it spoke (it was exactly three inches high).

'But I'm not used to it!' pleaded poor Alice in a piteous tone. And she thought of herself, 'I wish the creatures wouldn't be so easily offended!'

'You'll get used to it in time,' said the Caterpillar; and it put the hookah into its mouth and began smoking again.

This time Alice waited patiently until it chose to speak again. In a minute or two the Caterpillar took the hookah out of its mouth and yawned once or twice, and shook itself. Then it got down off the mushroom, and crawled away in the grass, merely remarking as it went, 'One side will make you grow taller, and the other side will make you grow shorter.'

'One side of WHAT? The other side of WHAT?' thought Alice to herself.

'Of the mushroom,' said the Caterpillar, just as if she had asked it aloud; and in another moment it was out of sight.

Alice remained looking thoughtfully at the mushroom for a minute, trying to make out which were the two sides of it; and as it was perfectly round, she found this a very difficult question. However, at last she stretched her arms round it as far as they would go, and broke off a bit of the edge with each hand.

'And now which is which?' she said to herself, and nibbled a little of the right-hand bit to try the effect: the next moment she felt a violent blow underneath her chin: it had struck her foot!

She was a good deal frightened by this very sudden change, but she felt that there was no time to be lost, as she was shrinking rapidly; so she set to work at once to eat some of the other bit. Her chin was pressed so closely against her foot, that there was hardly room to open her mouth; but she did it at last, and managed to swallow a morsel of the left-hand bit.

'Come, my head's free at last!' said Alice in a tone of delight, which changed into alarm in another moment, when she found that her shoulders were nowhere to be found: all she could see, when she looked down, was an immense length of neck, which seemed to rise like a stalk out of a sea of green leaves that lay far below her.

'What CAN all that green stuff be?' said Alice. 'And where HAVE my shoulders got to? And oh, my poor hands, how is it I can't see you?' She was moving them about as she spoke, but no result seemed to follow, except a little shaking among the distant green leaves.

As there seemed to be no chance of getting her hands up to her head, she tried to get her head down to them, and was delighted to find that her neck would bend about easily in any direction, like a serpent. She had just succeeded in curving it down into a graceful zigzag, and was going to dive in among the leaves, which she found to be nothing but the tops of the trees under which she had been wandering, when a sharp hiss made her draw back in a hurry: a large pigeon had flown into her face, and was beating her violently with its wings.

'Serpent!' screamed the Pigeon.

'I'm NOT a serpent!' said Alice indignantly. 'Let me alone!'

'Serpent, I say again!' repeated the Pigeon, but in a more subdued tone, and added with a kind of sob, 'I've tried every way, and nothing seems to suit them!'

'I haven't the least idea what you're talking about,' said Alice.

'I've tried the roots of trees, and I've tried banks, and I've tried hedges,' the Pigeon went on, without attending to her; 'but those serpents! There's no pleasing them!'

Alice was more and more puzzled, but she thought there was no use in saying anything more till the Pigeon had finished.

'As if it wasn't trouble enough hatching the eggs,' said the Pigeon; 'but I must be on the look-out for serpents night and day! Why, I haven't had a wink of sleep these three weeks!'

'I'm very sorry you've been annoyed,' said Alice, who was beginning to see its meaning.

'And just as I'd taken the highest tree in the wood,' continued the Pigeon, raising its voice to a shriek, 'and just as I was thinking I should be free of them at last, they must needs come wriggling down from the sky! Ugh, Serpent!'

'But I'm NOT a serpent, I tell you!' said Alice. 'I'm a--I'm a--'

'Well! WHAT are you?' said the Pigeon. 'I can see you're trying to invent something!'

'I--I'm a little girl,' said Alice, rather doubtfully, as she remembered the number of changes she had gone through that day.

'A likely story indeed!' said the Pigeon in a tone of the deepest contempt. 'I've seen a good many little girls in my time, but never ONE with such a neck as that! No, no! You're a serpent; and there's no use denying it. I suppose you'll be telling me next that you never tasted an egg!'

'I HAVE tasted eggs, certainly,' said Alice, who was a very truthful child; 'but little girls eat eggs quite as much as serpents do, you know.'

'I don't believe it,' said the Pigeon; 'but if they do, why then they're a kind of serpent, that's all I can say.'

This was such a new idea to Alice, that she was quite silent for a minute or two, which gave the Pigeon the opportunity of adding, 'You're looking for eggs, I know THAT well enough; and what does it matter to me whether you're a little girl or a serpent?'

'It matters a good deal to ME,' said Alice hastily; 'but I'm not looking for eggs, as it happens; and if I was, I shouldn't want YOURS: I don't like them raw.'

'Well, be off, then!' said the Pigeon in a sulky tone, as it settled down again into its nest. Alice crouched down among the trees as well as she could, for her neck kept getting entangled among the branches, and every now and then she had to stop and untwist it. After a while she remembered that she still held the pieces of mushroom in her hands, and she set to work very carefully, nibbling first at one and then at the other, and growing sometimes taller and sometimes shorter, until she had succeeded in bringing herself down to her usual height.

It was so long since she had been anything near the right size, that it felt quite strange at first; but she got used to it in a few minutes, and began talking to herself, as usual. 'Come, there's half my plan done now! How puzzling all these changes are! I'm never sure what I'm going to be, from one minute to another! However, I've got back to my right size: the next thing is, to get into that beautiful garden--how IS that to be done, I wonder?' As she said this, she came suddenly upon an open place, with a little house in it about four feet high. 'Whoever lives there,' thought Alice, 'it'll never do to come upon them THIS size: why, I should frighten them out of their wits!' So she began nibbling at the right-hand bit again, and did not venture to go near the house till she had brought herself down to nine inches high

Chapter VI: Pig and Pepper

For a minute or two she stood looking at the house, and wondering what to do next, when suddenly a footman in livery came running out of the wood--(she considered him to be a footman because he was in livery: otherwise, judging by his face only, she would have called him a fish)--and rapped loudly at the door with his knuckles. It was opened by another footman in livery, with a round face, and large eyes like a frog; and both footmen, Alice noticed, had powdered hair that curled all over their heads. She felt very curious to know what it was all about, and crept a little way out of the wood to listen.

The Fish-Footman began by producing from under his arm a great letter, nearly as large as himself, and this he handed over to the other, saying, in a solemn tone, 'For the Duchess. An invitation from the Queen to play croquet.' The Frog-Footman repeated, in the same solemn tone, only changing the order of the words a little, 'From the Queen. An invitation for the Duchess to play croquet.'

Then they both bowed low, and their curls got entangled together.

Alice laughed so much at this, that she had to run back into the wood for fear of their hearing her; and when she next peeped out the Fish-Footman was gone, and the other was sitting on the ground near the door, staring stupidly up into the sky.

Alice went timidly up to the door, and knocked.

'There's no sort of use in knocking,' said the Footman, 'and that for two reasons. First, because I'm on the same side of the door as you are; secondly, because they're making such a noise inside, no one could possibly hear you.' And certainly there was a most extraordinary noise going on within--a constant howling and sneezing, and every now and then a great crash, as if a dish or kettle had been broken to pieces.

'Please, then,' said Alice, 'how am I to get in?'

'There might be some sense in your knocking,' the Footman went on without attending to her, 'if we had the door between us. For instance, if you were INSIDE, you might knock, and I could let you out, you know.' He was looking up into the sky all the time he was speaking, and this Alice thought decidedly uncivil. 'But perhaps he can't help it,' she said to herself; 'his eyes are so VERY nearly at the top of his head. But at any rate he might answer questions.--How am I to get in?' she repeated, aloud.

'I shall sit here,' the Footman remarked, 'till tomorrow--'

At this moment the door of the house opened, and a large plate came skimming out, straight at the Footman's head: it just grazed his nose, and broke to pieces against one of the trees behind him.

'--or next day, maybe,' the Footman continued in the same tone, exactly as if nothing had happened.

'How am I to get in?' asked Alice again, in a louder tone.

'ARE you to get in at all?' said the Footman. 'That's the first question, you know.'

It was, no doubt: only Alice did not like to be told so. 'It's really dreadful,' she muttered to herself, 'the way all the creatures argue. It's enough to drive one crazy!'

The Footman seemed to think this a good opportunity for repeating his remark, with variations. 'I shall sit here,' he said, 'on and off, for days and days.'

'But what am I to do?' said Alice.

'Anything you like,' said the Footman, and began whistling.

'Oh, there's no use in talking to him,' said Alice desperately: 'he's perfectly idiotic!' And she opened the door and went in.

The door led right into a large kitchen, which was full of smoke from one end to the other: the Duchess was sitting on a three-legged stool in the middle, nursing a baby; the cook was leaning over the fire, stirring a large cauldron which seemed to be full of soup.

'There's certainly too much pepper in that soup!' Alice said to herself, as well as she could for sneezing.

There was certainly too much of it in the air. Even the Duchess sneezed occasionally; and as for the baby, it was sneezing and howling alternately without a moment's pause. The only things in the kitchen that did not sneeze, were the cook, and a large cat which was sitting on the hearth and grinning from ear to ear.

'Please would you tell me,' said Alice, a little timidly, for she was not quite sure whether it was good manners for her to speak first, 'why your cat grins like that?'

'It's a Cheshire cat,' said the Duchess, 'and that's why. Pig!'

She said the last word with such sudden violence that Alice quite jumped; but she saw in another moment that it was addressed to the baby, and not to her, so she took courage, and went on again:--

'I didn't know that Cheshire cats always grinned; in fact, I didn't know that cats COULD grin.'

'They all can,' said the Duchess; 'and most of 'em do.'

'I don't know of any that do,' Alice said very politely, feeling quite pleased to have got into a conversation.

'You don't know much,' said the Duchess; 'and that's a fact.'

Alice did not at all like the tone of this remark, and thought it would be as well to introduce some other subject of conversation. While she was trying to fix on one, the cook took the cauldron of soup off the fire, and at once set to work throwing everything within her reach at the Duchess and the baby --the fire-irons came first; then followed a shower of saucepans, plates, and dishes. The Duchess took no notice of them even when they hit her; and the baby was howling so much already, that it was quite impossible to say whether the blows hurt it or not.

'Oh, PLEASE mind what you're doing!' cried Alice, jumping up and down in an agony of terror. 'Oh, there goes his PRECIOUS nose'; as an unusually large saucepan flew close by it, and very nearly carried it off.

'If everybody minded their own business,' the Duchess said in a hoarse growl, 'the world would go round a deal faster than it does.'

'Which would NOT be an advantage,' said Alice, who felt very glad to get an opportunity of showing off a little of her knowledge. 'Just think of what work it would make with the day and night! You see the earth takes twenty-four hours to turn round on its axis--'

'Talking of axes,' said the Duchess, 'chop off her head!'

Alice glanced rather anxiously at the cook, to see if she meant to take the hint; but the cook was busily stirring the soup, and seemed not to be listening, so she went on again: 'Twenty-four hours, I THINK; or is it twelve? I--'

'Oh, don't bother ME,' said the Duchess; 'I never could abide figures!' And with that she began nursing her child again, singing a sort of lullaby to it as she did so, and giving it a violent shake at the end of every line:

'Speak roughly to your little boy,

And beat him when he sneezes:

He only does it to annoy,

Because he knows it teases.'

CHORUS.

(In which the cook and the baby joined):--

'Wow! wow! wow!'

While the Duchess sang the second verse of the song, she kept tossing the baby violently up and down, and the poor little thing howled so, that Alice could hardly hear the words:--

'I speak severely to my boy,

I beat him when he sneezes;

For he can thoroughly enjoy

The pepper when he pleases!'

CHORUS.

'Wow! wow! wow!'

'Here! you may nurse it a bit, if you like!' the Duchess said to Alice, flinging the baby at her as she spoke. 'I must go and get ready to play croquet with the Queen,' and she hurried out of the room. The cook threw a frying-pan after her as she went out, but it just missed her.

Alice caught the baby with some difficulty, as it was a queer- shaped little creature, and held out its arms and legs in all directions, 'just like a star-fish,' thought Alice. The poor little thing was snorting like a steam-engine when she caught it, and kept doubling itself up and straightening itself out again, so that altogether, for the first minute or two, it was as much as she could do to hold it.

As soon as she had made out the proper way of nursing it, (which was to twist it up into a sort of knot, and then keep tight hold of its right ear and left foot, so as to prevent its undoing itself,) she carried it out into the open air. 'IF I don't take this child away with me,' thought Alice, 'they're sure to kill it in a day or two: wouldn't it be murder to leave it behind?' She said the last words out loud, and the little thing grunted in reply (it had left off sneezing by this time). 'Don't grunt,' said Alice; 'that's not at all a proper way of expressing yourself.'

The baby grunted again, and Alice looked very anxiously into its face to see what was the matter with it. There could be no doubt that it had a VERY turn-up nose, much more like a snout than a real nose; also its eyes were getting extremely small for a baby: altogether Alice did not like the look of the thing at all. 'But perhaps it was only sobbing,' she thought, and looked into its eyes again, to see if there were any tears.

No, there were no tears. 'If you're going to turn into a pig, my dear,' said Alice, seriously, 'I'll have nothing more to do with you. Mind now!' The poor little thing sobbed again (or grunted, it was impossible to say which), and they went on for some while in silence.

Alice was just beginning to think to herself, 'Now, what am I to do with this creature when I get it home?' when it grunted again, so violently, that she looked down into its face in some alarm. This time there could be NO mistake about it: it was neither more nor less than a pig, and she felt that it would be quite absurd for her to carry it further.

So she set the little creature down, and felt quite relieved to see it trot away quietly into the wood. 'If it had grown up,' she said to herself, 'it would have made a dreadfully ugly child: but it makes rather a handsome pig, I think.' And she began thinking over other children she knew, who might do very well as pigs, and was just saying to herself, 'if one only knew the right way to change them--' when she was a little startled by seeing the Cheshire Cat sitting on a bough of a tree a few yards off.

The Cat only grinned when it saw Alice. It looked good- natured, she thought: still it had VERY long claws and a great many teeth, so she felt that it ought to be treated with respect.

'Cheshire Puss,' she began, rather timidly, as she did not at all know whether it would like the name: however, it only grinned a little wider. 'Come, it's pleased so far,' thought Alice, and she went on. 'Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?'

'That depends a good deal on where you want to get to,' said the Cat.

'I don't much care where--' said Alice.

'Then it doesn't matter which way you go,' said the Cat.

'--so long as I get SOMEWHERE,' Alice added as an explanation.

'Oh, you're sure to do that,' said the Cat, 'if you only walk long enough.'

Alice felt that this could not be denied, so she tried another question. 'What sort of people live about here?'

'In THAT direction,' the Cat said, waving its right paw round, 'lives a Hatter: and in THAT direction,' waving the other paw, 'lives a March Hare. Visit either you like: they're both mad.'

'But I don't want to go among mad people,' Alice remarked.

'Oh, you can't help that,' said the Cat: 'we're all mad here. I'm mad. You're mad.'

'How do you know I'm mad?' said Alice.

'You must be,' said the Cat, 'or you wouldn't have come here.'

Alice didn't think that proved it at all; however, she went on 'And how do you know that you're mad?'

'To begin with,' said the Cat, 'a dog's not mad. You grant that?'

'I suppose so,' said Alice.

'Well, then,' the Cat went on, 'you see, a dog growls when it's angry, and wags its tail when it's pleased. Now I growl when I'm pleased, and wag my tail when I'm angry. Therefore I'm mad.'

'I call it purring, not growling,' said Alice.

'Call it what you like,' said the Cat. 'Do you play croquet with the Queen to-day?'

'I should like it very much,' said Alice, 'but I haven't been invited yet.'

'You'll see me there,' said the Cat, and vanished.

Alice was not much surprised at this, she was getting so used to queer things happening. While she was looking at the place where it had been, it suddenly appeared again.

'By-the-bye, what became of the baby?' said the Cat. 'I'd nearly forgotten to ask.'

'It turned into a pig,' Alice quietly said, just as if it had come back in a natural way.

'I thought it would,' said the Cat, and vanished again.

Alice waited a little, half expecting to see it again, but it did not appear, and after a minute or two she walked on in the direction in which the March Hare was said to live. 'I've seen hatters before,' she said to herself; 'the March Hare will be much the most interesting, and perhaps as this is May it won't be raving mad--at least not so mad as it was in March.' As she said this, she looked up, and there was the Cat again, sitting on a branch of a tree.

'Did you say pig, or fig?' said the Cat.

'I said pig,' replied Alice; 'and I wish you wouldn't keep appearing and vanishing so suddenly: you make one quite giddy.'

'All right,' said the Cat; and this time it vanished quite slowly, beginning with the end of the tail, and ending with the grin, which remained sometime after the rest of it had gone.

'Well! I've often seen a cat without a grin,' thought Alice; 'but a grin without a cat! It's the most curious thing I ever say in my life!'

She had not gone much farther before she came in sight of the house of the March Hare: she thought it must be the right house, because the chimneys were shaped like ears and the roof was thatched with fur. It was so large a house, that she did not like to go nearer till she had nibbled some more of the left-hand bit of mushroom, and raised herself to about two feet high: even then she walked up towards it rather timidly, saying to herself 'Suppose it should be raving mad after all! I almost wish I'd gone to see the Hatter instead!'

Chapter VII: A Mad Tea-Party

There was a table set out under a tree in front of the house, and the March Hare and the Hatter were having tea at it: a Dormouse was sitting between them, fast asleep, and the other two were using it as a cushion, resting their elbows on it, and the talking over its head. 'Very uncomfortable for the Dormouse,' thought Alice; 'only, as it's asleep, I suppose it doesn't mind.'

The table was a large one, but the three were all crowded together at one corner of it: 'No room! No room!' they cried out when they saw Alice coming. 'There's PLENTY of room!' said Alice indignantly, and she sat down in a large arm-chair at one end of the table.

'Have some wine,' the March Hare said in an encouraging tone.

Alice looked all-round the table, but there was nothing on it but tea. 'I don't see any wine,' she remarked.

'There isn't any,' said the March Hare.

'Then it wasn't very civil of you to offer it,' said Alice angrily.

'It wasn't very civil of you to sit down without being invited,' said the March Hare.

'I didn't know it was YOUR table,' said Alice; 'it's laid for a great many more than three.'

'Your hair wants cutting,' said the Hatter. He had been looking at Alice for some time with great curiosity, and this was his first speech.

'You should learn not to make personal remarks,' Alice said with some severity; 'it's very rude.'

The Hatter opened his eyes very wide on hearing this; but all he SAID was, 'Why is a raven like a writing-desk?'

'Come, we shall have some fun now!' thought Alice. 'I'm glad they've begun asking riddles.--I believe I can guess that,' she added aloud.

'Do you mean that you think you can find out the answer to it?' said the March Hare.

'Exactly so,' said Alice.

'Then you should say what you mean,' the March Hare went on.

'I do,' Alice hastily replied; 'at least--at least I mean what I say--that's the same thing, you know.'

'Not the same thing a bit!' said the Hatter. 'You might just as well say that "I see what I eat" is the same thing as "I eat what I see"!'

'You might just as well say,' added the March Hare, 'that "I like what I get" is the same thing as "I get what I like"!'

'You might just as well say,' added the Dormouse, who seemed to be talking in his sleep, 'that "I breathe when I sleep" is the same thing as "I sleep when I breathe"!'

'It IS the same thing with you,' said the Hatter, and here the conversation dropped, and the party sat silent for a minute, while Alice thought over all she could remember about ravens and writing-desks, which wasn't much.

The Hatter was the first to break the silence. 'What day of the month is it?' he said, turning to Alice: he had taken his watch out of his pocket, and was looking at it uneasily, shaking it every now and then, and holding it to his ear.

Alice considered a little, and then said 'The fourth.'

'Two days wrong!' sighed the Hatter. 'I told you butter wouldn't suit the works!' he added looking angrily at the March Hare.

'It was the BEST butter,' the March Hare meekly replied.

'Yes, but some crumbs must have got in as well,' the Hatter grumbled: 'you shouldn't have put it in with the bread-knife.'

The March Hare took the watch and looked at it gloomily: then he dipped it into his cup of tea, and looked at it again: but he could think of nothing better to say than his first remark, 'It was the BEST butter, you know.'

Alice had been looking over his shoulder with some curiosity. 'What a funny watch!' she remarked. 'It tells the day of the month, and doesn't tell what o'clock it is!'

'Why should it?' muttered the Hatter. 'Does YOUR watch tell you what year it is?'

'Of course not,' Alice replied very readily: 'but that's because it stays the same year for such a long time together.'

'Which is just the case with MINE,' said the Hatter.

Alice felt dreadfully puzzled. The Hatter's remark seemed to have no sort of meaning in it, and yet it was certainly English. 'I don't quite understand you,' she said, as politely as she could.

'The Dormouse is asleep again,' said the Hatter, and he poured a little hot tea upon its nose.

The Dormouse shook its head impatiently, and said, without opening its eyes, 'Of course, of course; just what I was going to remark myself.'

'Have you guessed the riddle yet?' the Hatter said, turning to Alice again.

'No, I give it up,' Alice replied: 'what's the answer?'

'I haven't the slightest idea,' said the Hatter.

'Nor I,' said the March Hare.

Alice sighed wearily. 'I think you might do something better with the time,' she said, 'than waste it in asking riddles that have no answers.'

'If you knew Time as well as I do,' said the Hatter, 'you wouldn't talk about wasting IT. It's HIM.'

'I don't know what you mean,' said Alice.

'Of course you don't!' the Hatter said, tossing his head contemptuously. 'I dare say you never even spoke to Time!'

'Perhaps not,' Alice cautiously replied: 'but I know I have to beat time when I learn music.'

'Ah! that accounts for it,' said the Hatter. 'He won't stand beating. Now, if you only kept on good terms with him, he'd do almost anything you liked with the clock. For instance, suppose it were nine o'clock in the morning, just time to begin lessons: you'd only have to whisper a hint to Time, and round goes the clock in a twinkling! Half-past one, time for dinner!'

('I only wish it was,' the March Hare said to itself in a whisper.)

'That would be grand, certainly,' said Alice thoughtfully: 'but then--I shouldn't be hungry for it, you know.'

'Not at first, perhaps,' said the Hatter: 'but you could keep it to half-past one as long as you liked.'

'Is that the way YOU manage?' Alice asked.

The Hatter shook his head mournfully. 'Not I!' he replied. 'We quarrelled last March--just before HE went mad, you know--' (pointing with his tea spoon at the March Hare,) '--it was at the great concert given by the Queen of Hearts, and I had to sing

"Twinkle, twinkle, little bat!

How I wonder what you're at!"

You know the song, perhaps?'

'I've heard something like it,' said Alice.

'It goes on, you know,' the Hatter continued, 'in this way:--

"Up above the world you fly,

Like a tea-tray in the sky.

Twinkle, twinkle--"'

Here the Dormouse shook itself, and began singing in its sleep 'Twinkle, twinkle, twinkle, twinkle--' and went on so long that they had to pinch it to make it stop.

'Well, I'd hardly finished the first verse,' said the Hatter, 'when the Queen jumped up and bawled out, "He's murdering the time! Off with his head!"'

'How dreadfully savage!' exclaimed Alice.

'And ever since that,' the Hatter went on in a mournful tone, 'he won't do a thing I ask! It's always six o'clock now.'

A bright idea came into Alice's head. 'Is that the reason so many tea-things are put out here?' she asked.

'Yes, that's it,' said the Hatter with a sigh: 'it's always tea-time, and we've no time to wash the things between whiles.'

'Then you keep moving round, I suppose?' said Alice.

'Exactly so,' said the Hatter: 'as the things get used up.'

'But what happens when you come to the beginning again?' Alice ventured to ask.

'Suppose we change the subject,' the March Hare interrupted, yawning. 'I'm getting tired of this. I vote the young lady tells us a story.'

'I'm afraid I don't know one,' said Alice, rather alarmed at the proposal.

'Then the Dormouse shall!' they both cried. 'Wake up, Dormouse!' And they pinched it on both sides at once.

The Dormouse slowly opened his eyes. 'I wasn't asleep,' he said in a hoarse, feeble voice: 'I heard every word you fellows were saying.'

'Tell us a story!' said the March Hare.

'Yes, please do!' pleaded Alice.

'And be quick about it,' added the Hatter, 'or you'll be asleep again before it's done.'

'Once upon a time there were three little sisters,' the Dormouse began in a great hurry; 'and their names were Elsie, Lacie, and Tillie; and they lived at the bottom of a well--'

'What did they live on?' said Alice, who always took a great interest in questions of eating and drinking.

'They lived on treacle,' said the Dormouse, after thinking a minute or two.

'They couldn't have done that, you know,' Alice gently remarked; 'they'd have been ill.'

'So they were,' said the Dormouse; 'VERY ill.'

Alice tried to fancy to herself what such an extraordinary ways of living would be like, but it puzzled her too much, so she went on: 'But why did they live at the bottom of a well?'

'Take some more tea,' the March Hare said to Alice, very earnestly.

'I've had nothing yet,' Alice replied in an offended tone, 'so I can't take more.'

'You mean you can't take LESS,' said the Hatter: 'it's very easy to take MORE than nothing.'

'Nobody asked YOUR opinion,' said Alice.

'Who's making personal remarks now?' the Hatter asked triumphantly.

Alice did not quite know what to say to this: so she helped herself to some tea and bread-and-butter, and then turned to the Dormouse, and repeated her question. 'Why did they live at the bottom of a well?'

The Dormouse again took a minute or two to think about it, and then said, 'It was a treacle-well.'

'There's no such thing!' Alice was beginning very angrily, but the Hatter and the March Hare went 'Sh! sh!' and the Dormouse sulkily remarked, 'If you can't be civil, you'd better finish the story for yourself.'

'No, please go on!' Alice said very humbly; 'I won't interrupt again. I dare say there may be ONE.'

'One, indeed!' said the Dormouse indignantly. However, he consented to go on. 'And so these three little sisters--they were learning to draw, you know--'

'What did they draw?' said Alice, quite forgetting her promise.

'Treacle,' said the Dormouse, without considering at all this time.

'I want a clean cup,' interrupted the Hatter: 'let's all move one place on.'

He moved on as he spoke, and the Dormouse followed him: the March Hare moved into the Dormouse's place, and Alice rather unwillingly took the place of the March Hare. The Hatter was the only one who got any advantage from the change: and Alice was a good deal worse off than before, as the March Hare had just upset the milk-jug into his plate.

Alice did not wish to offend the Dormouse again, so she began very cautiously: 'But I don't understand. Where did they draw the treacle from?'

'You can draw water out of a water-well,' said the Hatter; 'so I should think you could draw treacle out of a treacle-well--eh, stupid?'

'But they were IN the well,' Alice said to the Dormouse, not choosing to notice this last remark.

'Of course they were', said the Dormouse; '--well in.'

This answer so confused poor Alice, that she let the Dormouse go on for some time without interrupting it.

'They were learning to draw,' the Dormouse went on, yawning and rubbing its eyes, for it was getting very sleepy; 'and they drew all manner of things--everything that begins with an M--'

'Why with an M?' said Alice.

'Why not?' said the March Hare.

Alice was silent.

The Dormouse had closed its eyes by this time, and was going off into a doze; but, on being pinched by the Hatter, it woke up again with a little shriek, and went on: '--that begins with an M, such as mouse-traps, and the moon, and memory, and muchness-- you know you say things are "much of a muchness"\--did you ever see such a thing as a drawing of a muchness?'

'Really, now you ask me,' said Alice, very much confused, 'I don't think--'

'Then you shouldn't talk,' said the Hatter.

This piece of rudeness was more than Alice could bear: she got up in great disgust, and walked off; the Dormouse fell asleep instantly, and neither of the others took the least notice of her going, though she looked back once or twice, half hoping that they would call after her: the last time she saw them, they were trying to put the Dormouse into the teapot.

'At any rate I'll never go THERE again!' said Alice as she picked her way through the wood. 'It's the stupidest tea-party I ever was at in all my life!'

Just as she said this, she noticed that one of the trees had a door leading right into it. 'That's very curious!' she thought. 'But everything's curious today. I think I may as well go in at once.' And in she went.

Once more she found herself in the long hall, and close to the little glass table. 'Now, I'll manage better this time,' she said to herself, and began by taking the little golden key, and unlocking the door that led into the garden. Then she went to work nibbling at the mushroom (she had kept a piece of it in her pocked) till she was about a foot high: then she walked down the little passage: and THEN--she found herself at last in the beautiful garden, among the right flower-beds and cool fountains.

Chapter VIII: The Queen's Croquet-Ground

A large rose-tree stood near the entrance of the garden: the roses growing on it were white, but there were three gardeners at it, busily painting them red. Alice thought this a very curious thing, and she went nearer to watch them, and just as she came up to them she heard one of them say, 'Look out now, Five! Don't go splashing paint over me like that!'

'I couldn't help it,' said Five, in a sulky tone; 'Seven jogged my elbow.'

On which Seven looked up and said, 'That's right, Five! Always lay the blame on others!'

'YOU'D better not talk!' said Five. 'I heard the Queen say only yesterday you deserved to be beheaded!'

'What for?' said the one who had spoken first.

'That's none of YOUR business, Two!' said Seven.

'Yes, it IS his business!' said Five, 'and I'll tell him--it was for bringing the cook tulip-roots instead of onions.'

Seven flung down his brush, and had just begun 'Well, of all the unjust things--' when his eye chanced to fall upon Alice, as she stood watching them, and he checked himself suddenly: the others looked round also, and all of them bowed low.

'Would you tell me,' said Alice, a little timidly, 'why you are painting those roses?'

Five and Seven said nothing, but looked at Two. Two began in a low voice, 'Why the fact is, you see, Miss, this here ought to have been a RED rose-tree, and we put a white one in by mistake; and if the Queen was to find it out, we should all have our heads cut off, you know. So you see, Miss, we're doing our best, afore she comes, to--' At this moment Five, who had been anxiously looking across the garden, called out 'The Queen! The Queen!' and the three gardeners instantly threw themselves flat upon their faces. There was a sound of many footsteps, and Alice looked round, eager to see the Queen.

First came ten soldiers carrying clubs; these were all shaped like the three gardeners, oblong and flat, with their hands and feet at the corners: next the ten courtiers; these were ornamented all over with diamonds, and walked two and two, as the soldiers did. After these came the royal children; there were ten of them, and the little dears came jumping merrily along hand in hand, in couples: they were all ornamented with hearts. Next came the guests, mostly Kings and Queens, and among them Alice recognised the White Rabbit: it was talking in a hurried nervous manner, smiling at everything that was said, and went by without noticing her. Then followed the Knave of Hearts, carrying the King's crown on a crimson velvet cushion; and, last of all this grand procession, came THE KING AND QUEEN OF HEARTS.

Alice was rather doubtful whether she ought not to lie down on her face like the three gardeners, but she could not remember every having heard of such a rule at processions; 'and besides, what would be the use of a procession,' thought she, 'if people had all to lie down upon their faces, so that they couldn't see it?' So she stood still where she was, and waited.

When the procession came opposite to Alice, they all stopped and looked at her, and the Queen said severely 'Who is this?' She said it to the Knave of Hearts, who only bowed and smiled in reply.

'Idiot!' said the Queen, tossing her head impatiently; and, turning to Alice, she went on, 'What's your name, child?'

'My name is Alice, so please your Majesty,' said Alice very politely; but she added, to herself, 'Why, they're only a pack of cards, after all. I needn't be afraid of them!'

'And who are THESE?' said the Queen, pointing to the three gardeners who were lying round the rose tree; for, you see, as they were lying on their faces, and the pattern on their backs was the same as the rest of the pack, she could not tell whether they were gardeners, or soldiers, or courtiers, or three of her own children.

'How should I know?' said Alice, surprised at her own courage. 'It's no business of MINE.'

The Queen turned crimson with fury, and, after glaring at her for a moment like a wild beast, screamed 'Off with her head! Off--'

'Nonsense!' said Alice, very loudly and decidedly, and the Queen was silent.

The King laid his hand upon her arm, and timidly said 'Consider, my dear: she is only a child!'

The Queen turned angrily away from him, and said to the Knave 'Turn them over!'

The Knave did so, very carefully, with one foot.

'Get up!' said the Queen, in a shrill, loud voice, and the three gardeners instantly jumped up, and began bowing to the King, the Queen, the royal children, and everybody else.

'Leave off that!' screamed the Queen. 'You make me giddy.' And then, turning to the rose-tree, she went on, 'What HAVE you been doing here?'

'May it please your Majesty,' said Two, in a very humble tone, going down on one knee as he spoke, 'we were trying--'

'I see!' said the Queen, who had meanwhile been examining the roses. 'Off with their heads!' and the procession moved on, three of the soldiers remaining behind to execute the unfortunate gardeners, who ran to Alice for protection.

'You shan't be beheaded!' said Alice, and she put them into a large flower-pot that stood near. The three soldiers wandered about for a minute or two, looking for them, and then quietly marched off after the others.

'Are their heads off?' shouted the Queen.

'Their heads are gone, if it please your Majesty!' the soldiers shouted in reply.

'That's right!' shouted the Queen. 'Can you play croquet?'

The soldiers were silent, and looked at Alice, as the question was evidently meant for her.

'Yes!' shouted Alice.

'Come on, then!' roared the Queen, and Alice joined the procession, wondering very much what would happen next.

'It's--it's a very fine day!' said a timid voice at her side. She was walking by the White Rabbit, who was peeping anxiously into her face.

'Very,' said Alice: '--where's the Duchess?'

'Hush! Hush!' said the Rabbit in a low, hurried tone. He looked anxiously over his shoulder as he spoke, and then raised himself upon tiptoe, put his mouth close to her ear, and whispered 'She's under sentence of execution.'

'What for?' said Alice.

'Did you say "What a pity!"?' the Rabbit asked.

'No, I didn't,' said Alice: 'I don't think it's at all a pity. I said "What for?"'

'She boxed the Queen's ears--' the Rabbit began. Alice gave a little scream of laughter. 'Oh, hush!' the Rabbit whispered in a frightened tone. 'The Queen will hear you! You see, she came rather late, and the Queen said--'

'Get to your places!' shouted the Queen in a voice of thunder, and people began running about in all directions, tumbling up against each other; however, they got settled down in a minute or two, and the game began. Alice thought she had never seen such a curious croquet-ground in her life; it was all ridges and furrows; the balls were live hedgehogs, the mallets live flamingoes, and the soldiers had to double themselves up and to stand on their hands and feet, to make the arches.

The chief difficulty Alice found at first was in managing her flamingo: she succeeded in getting its body tucked away, comfortably enough, under her arm, with its legs hanging down, but generally, just as she had got its neck nicely straightened out, and was going to give the hedgehog a blow with its head, it WOULD twist itself round and look up in her face, with such a puzzled expression that she could not help bursting out laughing: and when she had got its head down, and was going to begin again, it was very provoking to find that the hedgehog had unrolled itself, and was in the act of crawling away: besides all this, there was generally a ridge or furrow in the way wherever she wanted to send the hedgehog to, and, as the doubled-up soldiers were always getting up and walking off to other parts of the ground, Alice soon came to the conclusion that it was a very difficult game indeed.

The players all played at once without waiting for turns, quarrelling all the while, and fighting for the hedgehogs; and in a very short time the Queen was in a furious passion, and went stamping about, and shouting 'Off with his head!' or 'Off with her head!' about once in a minute.

Alice began to feel very uneasy: to be sure, she had not as yet had any dispute with the Queen, but she knew that it might happen any minute, 'and then,' thought she, 'what would become of me? They're dreadfully fond of beheading people here; the great wonder is, that there's any one left alive!'

She was looking about for some way of escape, and wondering whether she could get away without being seen, when she noticed a curious appearance in the air: it puzzled her very much at first, but, after watching it a minute or two, she made it out to be a grin, and she said to herself 'It's the Cheshire Cat: now I shall have somebody to talk to.'

'How are you getting on?' said the Cat, as soon as there was mouth enough for it to speak with.

Alice waited till the eyes appeared, and then nodded. 'It's no use speaking to it,' she thought, 'till its ears have come, or at least one of them.' In another minute the whole head appeared, and then Alice put down her flamingo, and began an account of the game, feeling very glad she had someone to listen to her. The Cat seemed to think that there was enough of it now in sight, and no more of it appeared.

'I don't think they play at all fairly,' Alice began, in rather a complaining tone, 'and they all quarrel so dreadfully one can't hear oneself speak--and they don't seem to have any rules in particular; at least, if there are, nobody attends to them--and you've no idea how confusing it is all the things being alive; for instance, there's the arch I've got to go through next walking about at the other end of the ground--and I should have croqueted the Queen's hedgehog just now, only it ran away when it saw mine coming!'

'How do you like the Queen?' said the Cat in a low voice.

'Not at all,' said Alice: 'she's so extremely--' Just then she noticed that the Queen was close behind her, listening: so she went on, '--likely to win, that it's hardly worth while finishing the game.'

The Queen smiled and passed on.

'Who ARE you talking to?' said the King, going up to Alice, and looking at the Cat's head with great curiosity.

'It's a friend of mine--a Cheshire Cat,' said Alice: 'allow me to introduce it.'

'I don't like the look of it at all,' said the King: 'however, it may kiss my hand if it likes.'

'I'd rather not,' the Cat remarked.

'Don't be impertinent,' said the King, 'and don't look at me like that!' He got behind Alice as he spoke.

'A cat may look at a king,' said Alice. 'I've read that in some book, but I don't remember where.'

'Well, it must be removed,' said the King very decidedly, and he called the Queen, who was passing at the moment, 'My dear! I wish you would have this cat removed!'

The Queen had only one way of settling all difficulties, great or small. 'Off with his head!' she said, without even looking round.

'I'll fetch the executioner myself,' said the King eagerly, and he hurried off.

Alice thought she might as well go back, and see how the game was going on, as she heard the Queen's voice in the distance, screaming with passion. She had already heard her sentence three of the players to be executed for having missed their turns, and she did not like the look of things at all, as the game was in such confusion that she never knew whether it was her turn or not. So she went in search of her hedgehog.

The hedgehog was engaged in a fight with another hedgehog, which seemed to Alice an excellent opportunity for croqueting one of them with the other: the only difficulty was, that her flamingo was gone across to the other side of the garden, where Alice could see it trying in a helpless sort of way to fly up into a tree.

By the time she had caught the flamingo and brought it back, the fight was over, and both the hedgehogs were out of sight: 'but it doesn't matter much,' thought Alice, 'as all the arches are gone from this side of the ground.' So she tucked it away under her arm, that it might not escape again, and went back for a little more conversation with her friend.

When she got back to the Cheshire Cat, she was surprised to find quite a large crowd collected round it: there was a dispute going on between the executioner, the King, and the Queen, who were all talking at once, while all the rest were quite silent, and looked very uncomfortable.

The moment Alice appeared, she was appealed to by all three to settle the question, and they repeated their arguments to her, though, as they all spoke at once, she found it very hard indeed to make out exactly what they said.

The executioner's argument was, that you couldn't cut off a head unless there was a body to cut it off from: that he had never had to do such a thing before, and he wasn't going to begin at HIS time of life.

The King's argument was, that anything that had a head could be beheaded, and that you weren't to talk nonsense.

The Queen's argument was, that if something wasn't done about it in less than no time she'd have everybody executed, all round. (It was this last remark that had made the whole party look so grave and anxious.)

Alice could think of nothing else to say but 'It belongs to the Duchess: you'd better ask HER about it.'

'She's in prison,' the Queen said to the executioner: 'fetch her here.' And the executioner went off like an arrow.

The Cat's head began fading away the moment he was gone, and, by the time he had come back with the Duchess, it had entirely disappeared; so the King and the executioner ran wildly up and down looking for it, while the rest of the party went back to the game.

Chapter IX: The Mock Turtle's Story

'You can't think how glad I am to see you again, you dear old thing!' said the Duchess, as she tucked her arm affectionately into Alice's, and they walked off together.

Alice was very glad to find her in such a pleasant temper, and thought to herself that perhaps it was only the pepper that had made her so savage when they met in the kitchen.

'When I'M a Duchess,' she said to herself, (not in a very hopeful tone though), 'I won't have any pepper in my kitchen AT ALL. Soup does very well without--Maybe it's always pepper that makes people hot-tempered,' she went on, very much pleased at having found out a new kind of rule, 'and vinegar that makes them sour--and camomile that makes them bitter--and--and barley-sugar and such things that make children sweet-tempered. I only wish people knew that: then they wouldn't be so stingy about it, you know--'

She had quite forgotten the Duchess by this time, and was a little startled when she heard her voice close to her ear. 'You're thinking about something, my dear, and that makes you forget to talk. I can't tell you just now what the moral of that is, but I shall remember it in a bit.'

'Perhaps it hasn't one,' Alice ventured to remark.

'Tut, tut, child!' said the Duchess. 'Everything's got a moral, if only you can find it.' And she squeezed herself up closer to Alice's side as she spoke.

Alice did not much like keeping so close to her: first, because the Duchess was VERY ugly; and secondly, because she was exactly the right height to rest her chin upon Alice's shoulder, and it was an uncomfortably sharp chin. However, she did not like to be rude, so she bore it as well as she could.

'The game's going on rather better now,' she said, by way of keeping up the conversation a little.

''Tis so,' said the Duchess: 'and the moral of that is--"Oh, 'tis love, 'tis love, that makes the world go round!"'

'Somebody said,' Alice whispered, 'that it's done by everybody minding their own business!'

'Ah, well! It means much the same thing,' said the Duchess, digging her sharp little chin into Alice's shoulder as she added, 'and the moral of THAT is--"Take care of the sense, and the sounds will take care of themselves."'

'How fond she is of finding morals in things!' Alice thought to herself.

'I dare say you're wondering why I don't put my arm round your waist,' the Duchess said after a pause: 'the reason is, that I'm doubtful about the temper of your flamingo. Shall I try the experiment?'

'HE might bite,' Alice cautiously replied, not feeling at all anxious to have the experiment tried.

'Very true,' said the Duchess: 'flamingoes and mustard both bite. And the moral of that is--"Birds of a feather flock together."'

'Only mustard isn't a bird,' Alice remarked.

'Right, as usual,' said the Duchess: 'what a clear way you have of putting things!'

'It's a mineral, I THINK,' said Alice.

'Of course it is,' said the Duchess, who seemed ready to agree to everything that Alice said; 'there's a large mustard-mine near here. And the moral of that is--"The more there is of mine, the less there is of yours."'

'Oh, I know!' exclaimed Alice, who had not attended to this last remark, 'it's a vegetable. It doesn't look like one, but it is.'

'I quite agree with you,' said the Duchess; 'and the moral of that is--"Be what you would seem to be"\--or if you'd like it put more simply--"Never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it might appear to others that what you were or might have been was not otherwise than what you had been would have appeared to them to be otherwise."'

'I think I should understand that better,' Alice said very politely, 'if I had it written down: but I can't quite follow it as you say it.'

'That's nothing to what I could say if I chose,' the Duchess replied, in a pleased tone.

'Pray don't trouble yourself to say it any longer than that,' said Alice.

'Oh, don't talk about trouble!' said the Duchess. 'I make you a present of everything I've said as yet.'

'A cheap sort of present!' thought Alice. 'I'm glad they don't give birthday presents like that!' But she did not venture to say it out loud.

'Thinking again?' the Duchess asked, with another dig of her sharp little chin.

'I've a right to think,' said Alice sharply, for she was beginning to feel a little worried.

'Just about as much right,' said the Duchess, 'as pigs have to fly; and the m--'

But here, to Alice's great surprise, the Duchess's voice died away, even in the middle of her favorite word 'moral,' and the arm that was linked into hers began to tremble. Alice looked up, and there stood the Queen in front of them, with her arms folded, frowning like a thunderstorm.

'A fine day, your Majesty!' the Duchess began in a low, weak voice.

'Now, I give you fair warning,' shouted the Queen, stamping on the ground as she spoke; 'either you or your head must be off, and that in about half no time! Take your choice!'

The Duchess took her choice, and was gone in a moment.

'Let's go on with the game,' the Queen said to Alice; and Alice was too much frightened to say a word, but slowly followed her back to the croquet-ground.

The other guests had taken advantage of the Queen's absence, and were resting in the shade: however, the moment they saw her, they hurried back to the game, the Queen merely remarking that a moment's delay would cost them their lives.

All the time they were playing the Queen never left off quarrelling with the other players, and shouting 'Off with his head!' or 'Off with her head!' Those whom she sentenced were taken into custody by the soldiers, who of course had to leave off being arches to do this, so that by the end of half an hour or so there were no arches left, and all the players, except the King, the Queen, and Alice, were in custody and under sentence of execution.

Then the Queen left off, quite out of breath, and said to Alice, 'Have you seen the Mock Turtle yet?'

'No,' said Alice. 'I don't even know what a Mock Turtle is.'

'It's the thing Mock Turtle Soup is made from,' said the Queen.

'I never saw one, or heard of one,' said Alice.

'Come on, then,' said the Queen, 'and he shall tell you his history,'

As they walked off together, Alice heard the King say in a low voice, to the company generally, 'You are all pardoned.' 'Come, THAT'S a good thing!' she said to herself, for she had felt quite unhappy at the number of executions the Queen had ordered.

They very soon came upon a Gryphon, lying fast asleep in the sun. (IF you don't know what a Gryphon is, look at the picture.) 'Up, lazy thing!' said the Queen, 'and take this young lady to see the Mock Turtle, and to hear his history. I must go back and see after some executions I have ordered'; and she walked off, leaving Alice alone with the Gryphon. Alice did not quite like the look of the creature, but on the whole she thought it would be quite as safe to stay with it as to go after that savage Queen: so she waited.

The Gryphon sat up and rubbed its eyes: then it watched the Queen till she was out of sight: then it chuckled. 'What fun!' said the Gryphon, half to itself, half to Alice.

'What IS the fun?' said Alice.

'Why, SHE,' said the Gryphon. 'It's all her fancy, that: they never executes nobody, you know. Come on!'

'Everybody says "come on!" here,' thought Alice, as she went slowly after it: 'I never was so ordered about in all my life, never!'

They had not gone far before they saw the Mock Turtle in the distance, sitting sad and lonely on a little ledge of rock, and, as they came nearer, Alice could hear him sighing as if his heart would break. She pitied him deeply. 'What is his sorrow?' she asked the Gryphon, and the Gryphon answered, very nearly in the same words as before, 'It's all his fancy, that: he hasn't got no sorrow, you know. Come on!'

So they went up to the Mock Turtle, who looked at them with large eyes full of tears, but said nothing.

'This here young lady,' said the Gryphon, 'she wants for to know your history, she do.'

'I'll tell it her,' said the Mock Turtle in a deep, hollow tone: 'sit down, both of you, and don't speak a word till I've finished.'

So they sat down, and nobody spoke for some minutes. Alice thought to herself, 'I don't see how he can EVER finish, if he doesn't begin.' But she waited patiently.

'Once,' said the Mock Turtle at last, with a deep sigh, 'I was a real Turtle.'

These words were followed by a very long silence, broken only by an occasional exclamation of 'Hjckrrh!' from the Gryphon, and the constant heavy sobbing of the Mock Turtle. Alice was very nearly getting up and saying, 'Thank you, sir, for your interesting story,' but she could not help thinking there MUST be more to come, so she sat still and said nothing.

'When we were little,' the Mock Turtle went on at last, more calmly, though still sobbing a little now and then, 'we went to school in the sea. The master was an old Turtle--we used to call him Tortoise--'

'Why did you call him Tortoise, if he wasn't one?' Alice asked.

'We called him Tortoise because he taught us,' said the Mock Turtle angrily: 'really you are very dull!'

'You ought to be ashamed of yourself for asking such a simple question,' added the Gryphon; and then they both sat silent and looked at poor Alice, who felt ready to sink into the earth. At last the Gryphon said to the Mock Turtle, 'Drive on, old fellow! Don't be all day about it!' and he went on in these words:

'Yes, we went to school in the sea, though you mayn't believe it--'

'I never said I didn't!' interrupted Alice.

'You did,' said the Mock Turtle.

'Hold your tongue!' added the Gryphon, before Alice could speak again. The Mock Turtle went on.

'We had the best of educations--in fact, we went to school every day--'

'I'VE been to a day-school, too,' said Alice; 'you needn't be so proud as all that.'

'With extras?' asked the Mock Turtle a little anxiously.

'Yes,' said Alice, 'we learned French and music.'

'And washing?' said the Mock Turtle.

'Certainly not!' said Alice indignantly.

'Ah! then yours wasn't a really good school,' said the Mock Turtle in a tone of great relief. 'Now at OURS they had at the end of the bill, "French, music, AND WASHING--extra."'

'You couldn't have wanted it much,' said Alice; 'living at the bottom of the sea.'

'I couldn't afford to learn it.' said the Mock Turtle with a sigh. 'I only took the regular course.'

'What was that?' inquired Alice.

'Reeling and Writhing, of course, to begin with,' the Mock Turtle replied; 'and then the different branches of Arithmetic-- Ambition, Distraction, Uglification, and Derision.'

'I never heard of "Uglification,"' Alice ventured to say. 'What is it?'

The Gryphon lifted up both its paws in surprise. 'What! Never heard of uglifying!' it exclaimed. 'You know what to beautify is, I suppose?'

'Yes,' said Alice doubtfully: 'it means--to--make--anything-- prettier.'

'Well, then,' the Gryphon went on, 'if you don't know what to uglify is, you ARE a simpleton.'

Alice did not feel encouraged to ask any more questions about it, so she turned to the Mock Turtle, and said 'What else had you to learn?'

'Well, there was Mystery,' the Mock Turtle replied, counting off the subjects on his flappers, '--Mystery, ancient and modern, with Seaography: then Drawling--the Drawling-master was an old conger-eel, that used to come once a week: HE taught us Drawling, Stretching, and Fainting in Coils.'

'What was THAT like?' said Alice.

'Well, I can't show it you myself,' the Mock Turtle said: 'I'm too stiff. And the Gryphon never learnt it.'

'Hadn't time,' said the Gryphon: 'I went to the Classics master, though. He was an old crab, HE was.'

'I never went to him,' the Mock Turtle said with a sigh: 'he taught Laughing and Grief, they used to say.'

'So he did, so he did,' said the Gryphon, sighing in his turn; and both creatures hid their faces in their paws.

'And how many hours a day did you do lessons?' said Alice, in a hurry to change the subject.

'Ten hours the first day,' said the Mock Turtle: 'nine the next, and so on.'

'What a curious plan!' exclaimed Alice.

'That's the reason they're called lessons,' the Gryphon remarked: 'because they lessen from day to day.'

This was quite a new idea to Alice, and she thought it over a little before she made her next remark. 'Then the eleventh day must have been a holiday?'

'Of course it was,' said the Mock Turtle.

'And how did you manage on the twelfth?' Alice went on eagerly.

'That's enough about lessons,' the Gryphon interrupted in a very decided tone: 'tell her something about the games now.'

Chapter X: The Lobster Quadrille

The Mock Turtle sighed deeply, and drew the back of one flapper across his eyes. He looked at Alice, and tried to speak, but for a minute or two sobs choked his voice. 'Same as if he had a bone in his throat,' said the Gryphon: and it set to work shaking him and punching him in the back. At last the Mock Turtle recovered his voice, and, with tears running down his cheeks, he went on again:--

'You may not have lived much under the sea--' ('I haven't,' said Alice)--'and perhaps you were never even introduced to a lobster--' (Alice began to say 'I once tasted--' but checked herself hastily, and said 'No, never') '--so you can have no idea what a delightful thing a Lobster Quadrille is!'

'No, indeed,' said Alice. 'What sort of a dance is it?'

'Why,' said the Gryphon, 'you first form into a line along the sea-shore--'

'Two lines!' cried the Mock Turtle. 'Seals, turtles, salmon, and so on; then, when you've cleared all the jelly-fish out of the way--'

'THAT generally takes some time,' interrupted the Gryphon.

'--you advance twice--'

'Each with a lobster as a partner!' cried the Gryphon.

'Of course,' the Mock Turtle said: 'advance twice, set to partners--'

'--change lobsters, and retire in same order,' continued the Gryphon.

'Then, you know,' the Mock Turtle went on, 'you throw the--'

'The lobsters!' shouted the Gryphon, with a bound into the air.

'--as far out to sea as you can--'

'Swim after them!' screamed the Gryphon.

'Turn a somersault in the sea!' cried the Mock Turtle, capering wildly about.

'Back to land again, and that's all the first figure,' said the Mock Turtle, suddenly dropping his voice; and the two creatures, who had been jumping about like mad things all this time, sat down again very sadly and quietly, and looked at Alice.

'It must be a very pretty dance,' said Alice timidly.

'Would you like to see a little of it?' said the Mock Turtle.

'Very much indeed,' said Alice.

'Come, let's try the first figure!' said the Mock Turtle to the Gryphon. 'We can do without lobsters, you know. Which shall sing?'

'Oh, YOU sing,' said the Gryphon. 'I've forgotten the words.'

So they began solemnly dancing round and round Alice, every now and then treading on her toes when they passed too close, and waving their forepaws to mark the time, while the Mock Turtle sang this, very slowly and sadly:--

'"Will you walk a little faster?" said a whiting to a snail.

"There's a porpoise close behind us, and he's treading on my tail.

See how eagerly the lobsters and the turtles all advance!

They are waiting on the shingle--will you come and join the dance?

Will you, won't you, will you, won't you, will you join the dance?

Will you, won't you, will you, won't you, won't you join the dance?

"You can really have no notion how delightful it will be

When they take us up and throw us, with the lobsters, out to sea!"

But the snail replied "Too far, too far!" and gave a look askance—

Said he thanked the whiting kindly, but he would not join the dance.

Would not, could not, would not, could not, would not join the dance.

Would not, could not, would not, could not, could not join the dance.

'"What matters it how far we go?" his scaly friend replied.

"There is another shore, you know, upon the other side.

The further off from England the nearer is to France—

Then turn not pale, beloved snail, but come and join the dance.

Will you, won't you, will you, won't you, will you join the dance?

Will you, won't you, will you, won't you, won't you join the dance?"'

'Thank you, it's a very interesting dance to watch,' said Alice, feeling very glad

that it was over at last: 'and I do so like that curious song about the whiting!'

'Oh, as to the whiting,' said the Mock Turtle, 'they--you've seen them, of course?'

'Yes,' said Alice, 'I've often seen them at dinn--' she checked herself hastily.

'I don't know where Dinn may be,' said the Mock Turtle, 'but if you've seen them so often, of course you know what they're like.'

'I believe so,' Alice replied thoughtfully. 'They have their tails in their mouths--and they're all over crumbs.'

'You're wrong about the crumbs,' said the Mock Turtle: 'crumbs would all wash off in the sea. But they HAVE their tails in their mouths; and the reason is--' here the Mock Turtle yawned and shut his eyes.--'Tell her about the reason and all that,' he said to the Gryphon.

'The reason is,' said the Gryphon, 'that they WOULD go with the lobsters to the dance. So they got thrown out to sea. So they had to fall a long way. So they got their tails fast in their mouths. So they couldn't get them out again. That's all.'

'Thank you,' said Alice, 'it's very interesting. I never knew so much about a whiting before.'

'I can tell you more than that, if you like,' said the Gryphon. 'Do you know why it's called a whiting?'

'I never thought about it,' said Alice. 'Why?'

'IT DOES THE BOOTS AND SHOES.' the Gryphon replied very solemnly.

Alice was thoroughly puzzled. 'Does the boots and shoes!' she repeated in a wondering tone.

'Why, what are YOUR shoes done with?' said the Gryphon. 'I mean, what makes them so shiny?'

Alice looked down at them, and considered a little before she gave her answer. 'They're done with blacking, I believe.'

'Boots and shoes under the sea,' the Gryphon went on in a deep voice, 'are done with a whiting. Now you know.'

'And what are they made of?' Alice asked in a tone of great curiosity.

'Soles and eels, of course,' the Gryphon replied rather impatiently: 'any shrimp could have told you that.'

'If I'd been the whiting,' said Alice, whose thoughts were still running on the song, 'I'd have said to the porpoise, "Keep back, please: we don't want YOU with us!"'

'They were obliged to have him with them,' the Mock Turtle said: 'no wise fish would go anywhere without a porpoise.'

'Wouldn't it really?' said Alice in a tone of great surprise.

'Of course not,' said the Mock Turtle: 'why, if a fish came to ME, and told me he was going a journey, I should say "With what porpoise?"'

'Don't you mean "purpose"?' said Alice.

'I mean what I say,' the Mock Turtle replied in an offended tone. And the Gryphon added 'Come, let's hear some of YOUR adventures.'

'I could tell you my adventures--beginning from this morning,' said Alice a little timidly: 'but it's no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.'

'Explain all that,' said the Mock Turtle.

'No, no! The adventures first,' said the Gryphon in an impatient tone: 'explanations take such a dreadful time.'

So Alice began telling them her adventures from the time when she first saw the White Rabbit. She was a little nervous about it just at first, the two creatures got so close to her, one on each side, and opened their eyes and mouths so VERY wide, but she gained courage as she went on. Her listeners were perfectly quiet till she got to the part about her repeating 'YOU ARE OLD, FATHER WILLIAM,' to the Caterpillar, and the words all coming different, and then the Mock Turtle drew a long breath, and said 'That's very curious.'

'It's all about as curious as it can be,' said the Gryphon.

'It all came different!' the Mock Turtle repeated thoughtfully. 'I should like to hear her try and repeat something now. Tell her to begin.' He looked at the Gryphon as if he thought it had some kind of authority over Alice.

'Stand up and repeat "'TIS THE VOICE OF THE SLUGGARD,"' said the Gryphon.

'How the creatures order one about, and make one repeat lessons!' thought Alice; 'I might as well be at school at once.' However, she got up, and began to repeat it, but her head was so full of the Lobster Quadrille, that she hardly knew what she was saying, and the words came very queer indeed:--

''Tis the voice of the Lobster; I heard him declare,

"You have baked me too brown, I must sugar my hair."

As a duck with its eyelids, so he with his nose

Trims his belt and his buttons, and turns out his toes.'

[later editions continued as follows:

When the sands are all dry, he is gay as a lark,

And will talk in contemptuous tones of the Shark,

But, when the tide rises and sharks are around,

His voice has a timid and tremulous sound.]

'That's different from what I used to say when I was a child,' said the Gryphon.

'Well, I never heard it before,' said the Mock Turtle; 'but it sounds uncommon nonsense.'

Alice said nothing; she had sat down with her face in her hands, wondering if anything would EVER happen in a natural way again.

'I should like to have it explained,' said the Mock Turtle.

'She can't explain it,' said the Gryphon hastily. 'Go on with the next verse.'

'But about his toes?' the Mock Turtle persisted. 'How COULD he turn them out with his nose, you know?'

'It's the first position in dancing.' Alice said; but was dreadfully puzzled by the whole thing, and longed to change the subject.

'Go on with the next verse,' the Gryphon repeated impatiently: 'it begins "I passed by his garden."'

Alice did not dare to disobey, though she felt sure it would all come wrong, and she went on in a trembling voice:--

'I passed by his garden, and marked, with one eye,

How the Owl and the Panther were sharing a pie--'

[later editions continued as follows

The Panther took pie-crust, and gravy, and meat,

While the Owl had the dish as its share of the treat.

When the pie was all finished, the Owl, as a boon,

Was kindly permitted to pocket the spoon:

While the Panther received knife and fork with a growl,

And concluded the banquet--]

'What IS the use of repeating all that stuff,' the Mock Turtle interrupted, 'if you don't explain it as you go on? It's by far the most confusing thing I ever heard!'

'Yes, I think you'd better leave off,' said the Gryphon: and Alice was only too glad to do so.

'Shall we try another figure of the Lobster Quadrille?' the Gryphon went on. 'Or would you like the Mock Turtle to sing you a song?'

'Oh, a song, please, if the Mock Turtle would be so kind,' Alice replied, so eagerly that the Gryphon said, in a rather offended tone, 'Hm! No accounting for tastes! Sing her "Turtle Soup," will you, old fellow?'

The Mock Turtle sighed deeply, and began, in a voice sometimes choked with sobs, to sing this:--

'Beautiful Soup, so rich and green,  
Waiting in a hot tureen!  
Who for such dainties would not stoop?  
Soup of the evening, beautiful Soup!  
Soup of the evening, beautiful Soup!  
Beau--ootiful Soo--oop!  
Beau--ootiful Soo--oop!  
Soo--oop of the e--e--evening,  
Beautiful, beautiful Soup!

'Beautiful Soup! Who cares for fish,  
Game, or any other dish?  
Who would not give all else for two p  
ennyworth only of beautiful Soup?  
Pennyworth only of beautiful Soup?  
Beau--ootiful Soo--oop!  
Beau--ootiful Soo--oop!  
Soo--oop of the e--e--evening,  
Beautiful, beauti--FUL SOUP!'

'Chorus again!' cried the Gryphon, and the Mock Turtle had just begun to repeat it, when a cry of 'The trial's beginning!' was heard in the distance.

'Come on!' cried the Gryphon, and, taking Alice by the hand, it hurried off, without waiting for the end of the song.

'What trial is it?' Alice panted as she ran; but the Gryphon only answered 'Come on!' and ran the faster, while more and more faintly came, carried on the breeze that followed them, the melancholy words:--

'Soo--oop of the e--e--evening,  
Beautiful, beautiful soup!'

Chapter XI: Who Stole the Tarts?

The King and Queen of Hearts were seated on their throne when they arrived, with a great crowd assembled about them--all sorts of little birds and beasts, as well as the whole pack of cards: the Knave was standing before them, in chains, with a soldier on each side to guard him; and near the King was the White Rabbit, with a trumpet in one hand, and a scroll of parchment in the other. In the very middle of the court was a table, with a large dish of tarts upon it: they looked so good, that it made Alice quite hungry to look at them--'I wish they'd get the trial done,' she thought, 'and hand round the refreshments!' But there seemed to be no chance of this, so she began looking at everything about her, to pass away the time.

Alice had never been in a court of justice before, but she had read about them in books, and she was quite pleased to find that she knew the name of nearly everything there. 'That's the judge,' she said to herself, 'because of his great wig.'

The judge, by the way, was the King; and as he wore his crown over the wig, (look at the frontispiece if you want to see how he did it,) he did not look at all comfortable, and it was certainly not becoming.

'And that's the jury-box,' thought Alice, 'and those twelve creatures,' (she was obliged to say 'creatures,' you see, because some of them were animals, and some were birds,) 'I suppose they are the jurors.' She said this last word two or three times over to herself, being rather proud of it: for she thought, and rightly too, that very few little girls of her age knew the meaning of it at all. However, 'jury-men' would have done just as well.

The twelve jurors were all writing very busily on slates. 'What are they doing?' Alice whispered to the Gryphon. 'They can't have anything to put down yet, before the trial's begun.'

'They're putting down their names,' the Gryphon whispered in reply, 'for fear they should forget them before the end of the trial.'

'Stupid things!' Alice began in a loud, indignant voice, but she stopped hastily, for the White Rabbit cried out, 'Silence in the court!' and the King put on his spectacles and looked anxiously round, to make out who was talking.

Alice could see, as well as if she were looking over their shoulders, that all the jurors were writing down 'stupid things!' on their slates, and she could even make out that one of them didn't know how to spell 'stupid,' and that he had to ask his neighbour to tell him. 'A nice muddle their slates'll be in before the trial's over!' thought Alice.

One of the jurors had a pencil that squeaked. This of course, Alice could not stand, and she went round the court and got behind him, and very soon found an opportunity of taking it away. She did it so quickly that the poor little juror (it was Bill, the Lizard) could not make out at all what had become of it; so, after hunting all about for it, he was obliged to write with one finger for the rest of the day; and this was of very little use, as it left no mark on the slate.

'Herald, read the accusation!' said the King.

On this the White Rabbit blew three blasts on the trumpet, and then unrolled the parchment scroll, and read as follows:--

'The Queen of Hearts, she made some tarts,

All on a summer day:

The Knave of Hearts, he stole those tarts,

And took them quite away!'

'Consider your verdict,' the King said to the jury.

'Not yet, not yet!' the Rabbit hastily interrupted. 'There's a great deal to come before that!'

'Call the first witness,' said the King; and the White Rabbit blew three blasts on the trumpet, and called out, 'First witness!'

The first witness was the Hatter. He came in with a teacup in one hand and a piece of bread-and-butter in the other. 'I beg pardon, your Majesty,' he began, 'for bringing these in: but I hadn't quite finished my tea when I was sent for.'

'You ought to have finished,' said the King. 'When did you begin?'

The Hatter looked at the March Hare, who had followed him into the court, arm-in-arm with the Dormouse. 'Fourteenth of March, I think it was,' he said.

'Fifteenth,' said the March Hare.

'Sixteenth,' added the Dormouse.

'Write that down,' the King said to the jury, and the jury eagerly wrote down all three dates on their slates, and then added them up, and reduced the answer to shillings and pence.

'Take off your hat,' the King said to the Hatter.

'It isn't mine,' said the Hatter.

'Stolen!' the King exclaimed, turning to the jury, who instantly made a memorandum of the fact.

'I keep them to sell,' the Hatter added as an explanation; 'I've none of my own. I'm a hatter.'

Here the Queen put on her spectacles, and began staring at the Hatter, who turned pale and fidgeted.

'Give your evidence,' said the King; 'and don't be nervous, or I'll have you executed on the spot.'

This did not seem to encourage the witness at all: he kept shifting from one foot to the other, looking uneasily at the Queen, and in his confusion he bit a large piece out of his teacup instead of the bread-and-butter.

Just at this moment Alice felt a very curious sensation, which puzzled her a good deal until she made out what it was: she was beginning to grow larger again, and she thought at first she would get up and leave the court; but on second thoughts she decided to remain where she was as long as there was room for her.

'I wish you wouldn't squeeze so.' said the Dormouse, who was sitting next to her. 'I can hardly breathe.'

'I can't help it,' said Alice very meekly: 'I'm growing.'

'You've no right to grow here,' said the Dormouse.

'Don't talk nonsense,' said Alice more boldly: 'you know you're growing too.'

'Yes, but I grow at a reasonable pace,' said the Dormouse: 'not in that ridiculous fashion.' And he got up very sulkily and crossed over to the other side of the court.

All this time the Queen had never left off staring at the Hatter, and, just as the Dormouse crossed the court, she said to one of the officers of the court, 'Bring me the list of the singers in the last concert!' on which the wretched Hatter trembled so, that he shook both his shoes off.

'Give your evidence,' the King repeated angrily, 'or I'll have you executed, whether you're nervous or not.'

'I'm a poor man, your Majesty,' the Hatter began, in a trembling voice, '--and I hadn't begun my tea--not above a week or so--and what with the bread-and-butter getting so thin--and the twinkling of the tea--'

'The twinkling of the what?' said the King.

'It began with the tea,' the Hatter replied.

'Of course twinkling begins with a T!' said the King sharply. 'Do you take me for a dunce? Go on!'

'I'm a poor man,' the Hatter went on, 'and most things twinkled after that--only the March Hare said--'

'I didn't!' the March Hare interrupted in a great hurry.

'You did!' said the Hatter.

'I deny it!' said the March Hare.

'He denies it,' said the King: 'leave out that part.'

'Well, at any rate, the Dormouse said--' the Hatter went on, looking anxiously round to see if he would deny it too: but the Dormouse denied nothing, being fast asleep.

'After that,' continued the Hatter, 'I cut some more bread- and-butter--'

'But what did the Dormouse say?' one of the jury asked.

'That I can't remember,' said the Hatter.

'You MUST remember,' remarked the King, 'or I'll have you executed.'

The miserable Hatter dropped his teacup and bread-and-butter, and went down on one knee. 'I'm a poor man, your Majesty,' he began.

'You're a very poor speaker,' said the King.

Here one of the guinea-pigs cheered, and was immediately suppressed by the officers of the court. (As that is rather a hard word, I will just explain to you how it was done. They had a large canvas bag, which tied up at the mouth with strings: into this they slipped the guinea-pig, head first, and then sat upon it.)

'I'm glad I've seen that done,' thought Alice. 'I've so often read in the newspapers, at the end of trials, "There was some attempts at applause, which was immediately suppressed by the officers of the court," and I never understood what it meant till now.'

'If that's all you know about it, you may stand down,' continued the King.

'I can't go no lower,' said the Hatter: 'I'm on the floor, as it is.'

'Then you may SIT down,' the King replied.

Here the other guinea-pig cheered, and was suppressed.

'Come, that finished the guinea-pigs!' thought Alice. 'Now we shall get on better.'

'I'd rather finish my tea,' said the Hatter, with an anxious look at the Queen, who was reading the list of singers.

'You may go,' said the King, and the Hatter hurriedly left the court, without even waiting to put his shoes on.

'--and just take his head off outside,' the Queen added to one of the officers: but the Hatter was out of sight before the officer could get to the door.

'Call the next witness!' said the King.

The next witness was the Duchess's cook. She carried the pepper-box in her hand, and Alice guessed who it was, even before she got into the court, by the way the people near the door began sneezing all at once.

'Give your evidence,' said the King.

'Shan't,' said the cook.

The King looked anxiously at the White Rabbit, who said in a low voice, 'Your Majesty must cross-examine THIS witness.'

'Well, if I must, I must,' the King said, with a melancholy air, and, after folding his arms and frowning at the cook till his eyes were nearly out of sight, he said in a deep voice, 'What are tarts made of?'

'Pepper, mostly,' said the cook.

'Treacle,' said a sleepy voice behind her.

'Collar that Dormouse,' the Queen shrieked out. 'Behead that Dormouse! Turn that Dormouse out of court! Suppress him! Pinch him! Off with his whiskers!'

For some minutes the whole court was in confusion, getting the Dormouse turned out, and, by the time they had settled down again, the cook had disappeared.

'Never mind!' said the King, with an air of great relief. 'Call the next witness.' And he added in an undertone to the Queen, 'Really, my dear, YOU must cross-examine the next witness. It quite makes my forehead ache!'

Alice watched the White Rabbit as he fumbled over the list, feeling very curious to see what the next witness would be like, '--for they haven't got much evidence YET,' she said to herself. Imagine her surprise, when the White Rabbit read out, at the top of his shrill voice, the name, 'Alice!'

Chapter XII: Alice's Evidence

'Here!' cried Alice, quite forgetting in the flurry of the moment how large she had grown in the last few minutes, and she jumped up in such a hurry that she tipped over the jury-box with the edge of her skirt, upsetting all the jurymen on to the heads of the crowd below, and there they lay sprawling about, reminding her very much of a globe of goldfish she had accidentally upset the week before.

'Oh, I BEG your pardon!' she exclaimed in a tone of great dismay, and began picking them up again as quickly as she could, for the accident of the goldfish kept running in her head, and she had a vague sort of idea that they must be collected at once and put back into the jury-box, or they would die.

'The trial cannot proceed,' said the King in a very grave voice, 'until all the jurymen are back in their proper places-- ALL,' he repeated with great emphasis, looking hard at Alice as he said do.

Alice looked at the jury-box, and saw that, in her haste, she had put the Lizard in head downwards, and the poor little thing was waving its tail about in a melancholy way, being quite unable to move. She soon got it out again, and put it right; 'not that it signifies much,' she said to herself; 'I should think it would be QUITE as much use in the trial one way up as the other.'

As soon as the jury had a little recovered from the shock of being upset, and their slates and pencils had been found and handed back to them, they set to work very diligently to write out a history of the accident, all except the Lizard, who seemed too much overcome to do anything but sit with its mouth open, gazing up into the roof of the court.

'What do you know about this business?' the King said to Alice.

'Nothing,' said Alice.

'Nothing WHATEVER?' persisted the King.

'Nothing whatever,' said Alice.

'That's very important,' the King said, turning to the jury. They were just beginning to write this down on their slates, when the White Rabbit interrupted: 'UNimportant, your Majesty means, of course,' he said in a very respectful tone, but frowning and making faces at him as he spoke.

'UNimportant, of course, I meant,' the King hastily said, and went on to himself in an undertone, 'important--unimportant-- unimportant--important--' as if he were trying which word sounded best.

Some of the jury wrote it down 'important,' and some 'unimportant.' Alice could see this, as she was near enough to look over their slates; 'but it doesn't matter a bit,' she thought to herself.

At this moment the King, who had been for some time busily writing in his note-book, cackled out 'Silence!' and read out from his book, 'Rule Forty-two. ALL PERSONS MORE THAN A MILE HIGH TO LEAVE THE COURT.'

Everybody looked at Alice.

'I'M not a mile high,' said Alice.

'You are,' said the King.

'Nearly two miles high,' added the Queen.

'Well, I shan't go, at any rate,' said Alice: 'besides, that's not a regular rule: you invented it just now.'

'It's the oldest rule in the book,' said the King.

'Then it ought to be Number One,' said Alice.

The King turned pale, and shut his note-book hastily. 'Consider your verdict,' he said to the jury, in a low, trembling voice.

'There's more evidence to come yet, please your Majesty,' said the White Rabbit, jumping up in a great hurry; 'this paper has just been picked up.'

'What's in it?' said the Queen.

'I haven't opened it yet,' said the White Rabbit, 'but it seems to be a letter, written by the prisoner to--to somebody.'

'It must have been that,' said the King, 'unless it was written to nobody, which isn't usual, you know.'

'Who is it directed to?' said one of the jurymen.

'It isn't directed at all,' said the White Rabbit; 'in fact, there's nothing written on the OUTSIDE.' He unfolded the paper as he spoke, and added 'It isn't a letter, after all: it's a set of verses.'

'Are they in the prisoner's handwriting?' asked another of they jurymen.

'No, they're not,' said the White Rabbit, 'and that's the queerest thing about it.' (The jury all looked puzzled.) 'He must have imitated somebody else's hand,' said the King. (The jury all brightened up again.)

'Please your Majesty,' said the Knave, 'I didn't write it, and they can't prove I did: there's no name signed at the end.'

'If you didn't sign it,' said the King, 'that only makes the matter worse. You MUST have meant some mischief, or else you'd have signed your name like an honest man.'

There was a general clapping of hands at this: it was the first really clever thing the King had said that day.

'That PROVES his guilt,' said the Queen.

'It proves nothing of the sort!' said Alice. 'Why, you don't even know what they're about!'

'Read them,' said the King.

The White Rabbit put on his spectacles. 'Where shall I begin, please your Majesty?' he asked.

'Begin at the beginning,' the King said gravely, 'and go on till you come to the end: then stop.'

These were the verses the White Rabbit read:--

'They told me you had been to her,  
And mentioned me to him:  
She gave me a good character,  
But said I could not swim.

He sent them word I had not gone  
(We know it to be true):  
If she should push the matter on,  
What would become of you?

I gave her one, they gave him two,  
You gave us three or more;  
They all returned from him to you,  
Though they were mine before.

If I or she should chance to be  
Involved in this affair,  
He trusts to you to set them free,  
Exactly as we were.

My notion was that you had been  
(Before she had this fit)  
An obstacle that came between  
Him, and ourselves, and it.

Don't let him know she liked them best,  
For this must ever be  
A secret, kept from all the rest,  
Between yourself and me.'

'That's the most important piece of evidence we've heard yet,' said the King, rubbing his hands; 'so now let the jury--'

'If any one of them can explain it,' said Alice, (she had grown so large in the last few minutes that she wasn't a bit afraid of interrupting him,) 'I'll give him sixpence. I don't believe there's an atom of meaning in it.'

The jury all wrote down on their slates, 'She doesn't believe there's an atom of meaning in it,' but none of them attempted to explain the paper.

'If there's no meaning in it,' said the King, 'that saves a world of trouble, you know, as we needn't try to find any. And yet I don't know,' he went on, spreading out the verses on his knee, and looking at them with one eye; 'I seem to see some meaning in them, after all. "\--SAID I COULD NOT SWIM--" you can't swim, can you?' he added, turning to the Knave.

The Knave shook his head sadly. 'Do I look like it?' he said. (Which he certainly did NOT, being made entirely of cardboard.)

'All right, so far,' said the King, and he went on muttering over the verses to himself: '"WE KNOW IT TO BE TRUE--" that's the jury, of course-- "I GAVE HER ONE, THEY GAVE HIM TWO--" why, that must be what he did with the tarts, you know--'

'But, it goes on "THEY ALL RETURNED FROM HIM TO YOU,"' said Alice.

'Why, there they are!' said the King triumphantly, pointing to the tarts on the table. 'Nothing can be clearer than THAT. Then again--"BEFORE SHE HAD THIS FIT--" you never had fits, my dear, I think?' he said to the Queen.

'Never!' said the Queen furiously, throwing an inkstand at the Lizard as she spoke. (The unfortunate little Bill had left off writing on his slate with one finger, as he found it made no mark; but he now hastily began again, using the ink, that was trickling down his face, as long as it lasted.)

'Then the words don't FIT you,' said the King, looking round the court with a smile. There was a dead silence.

'It's a pun!' the King added in an offended tone, and everybody laughed, 'Let the jury consider their verdict,' the King said, for about the twentieth time that day.

'No, no!' said the Queen. 'Sentence first--verdict afterwards.'

'Stuff and nonsense!' said Alice loudly. 'The idea of having the sentence first!'

'Hold your tongue!' said the Queen, turning purple.

'I won't!' said Alice.

'Off with her head!' the Queen shouted at the top of her voice. Nobody moved.

'Who cares for you?' said Alice, (she had grown to her full size by this time.) 'You're nothing but a pack of cards!'

At this the whole pack rose up into the air, and came flying down upon her: she gave a little scream, half of fright and half of anger, and tried to beat them off, and found herself lying on the bank, with her head in the lap of her sister, who was gently brushing away some dead leaves that had fluttered down from the trees upon her face.

'Wake up, Alice dear!' said her sister; 'Why, what a long sleep you've had!'

'Oh, I've had such a curious dream!' said Alice, and she told her sister, as well as she could remember them, all these strange Adventures of hers that you have just been reading about; and when she had finished, her sister kissed her, and said, 'It WAS a curious dream, dear, certainly: but now run in to your tea; it's getting late.' So Alice got up and ran off, thinking while she ran, as well she might, what a wonderful dream it had been.

But her sister sat still just as she left her, leaning her head on her hand, watching the setting sun, and thinking of little Alice and all her wonderful Adventures, till she too began dreaming after a fashion, and this was her dream:--

First, she dreamed of little Alice herself, and once again the tiny hands were clasped upon her knee, and the bright eager eyes were looking up into hers--she could hear the very tones of her voice, and see that queer little toss of her head to keep back the wandering hair that WOULD always get into her eyes--and still as she listened, or seemed to listen, the whole place around her became alive the strange creatures of her little sister's dream.

The long grass rustled at her feet as the White Rabbit hurried by--the frightened Mouse splashed his way through the neighboring pool--she could hear the rattle of the teacups as the March Hare and his friends shared their never-ending meal, and the shrill voice of the Queen ordering off her unfortunate guests to execution--once more the pig-baby was sneezing on the Duchess's knee, while plates and dishes crashed around it--once more the shriek of the Gryphon, the squeaking of the Lizard's slate-pencil, and the choking of the suppressed guinea-pigs, filled the air, mixed up with the distant sobs of the miserable Mock Turtle.

So she sat on, with closed eyes, and half believed herself in Wonderland, though she knew she had but to open them again, and all would change to dull reality--the grass would be only rustling in the wind, and the pool rippling to the waving of the reeds--the rattling teacups would change to tinkling sheep- bells, and the Queen's shrill cries to the voice of the shepherd boy--and the sneeze of the baby, the shriek of the Gryphon, and all thy other queer noises, would change (she knew) to the confused clamour of the busy farm-yard--while the lowing of the cattle in the distance would take the place of the Mock Turtle's heavy sobs.

Lastly, she pictured to herself how this same little sister of hers would, in the after-time, be herself a grown woman; and how she would keep, through all her riper years, the simple and loving heart of her childhood: and how she would gather about her other little children, and make THEIR eyes bright and eager with many a strange tale, perhaps even with the dream of Wonderland of long ago: and how she would feel with all their simple sorrows, and find a pleasure in all their simple joys, remembering her own child-life, and the happy summer days.

The End

