Ever since Vladimir Putin
annexed Trump's balls
in Helsinki,
President Trump has been having
a rough time back home. Right?
Half of America thinks that
he acted treasonous with Putin,
some Republicans are saying
that he's being manipulated,
and last week, Paul Ryan
furrowed his brow extra hard.
-(laughter)
-So you know he means business.
So things weren't
going well for Trump,
and then this story broke.
Now the potential new bombshell
involving President Trump
and his longtime
personal attorney.
TV REPORTER: The president's
 longtime lawyer,
 former fixer Michael Cohen,
 secretly recorded
 a conversation with
 then-candidate Trump
 about former Playboy model
 Karen McDougal,
 who claims she had a yearlong
 affair with Mr. Trump
 more than a decade ago.
TV REPORTER: Did Michael Cohen
betray you, Mr. President?
TV REPORTER:
 Tonight, President Trump 
 ignoring reporters' questions.
 Cohen, who a year ago said
 he'd take a bullet
 for Mr. Trump,
 now says he puts family
 and country first.
(laughing)
Yo, it's... it's funny how
everyone says
they're willing to take
a bullet for you
until there's an actual bullet
to take, and then they're like,
"No, what I meant is I will take
the bullet for you.
"Like, I will, I will take it
"like a courier from one place
to another.
"Oh, you thought
I was gonna get shot?
I'm your lawyer; we don't
even hang out, dude."
So what we know right now
is that Michael Cohen taped
himself and Donald Trump
talking about paying off
a Playboy model for an affair,
which is the perfect audiobook
for America's road trip to hell.
And, honestly, I'm a little
surprised that Cohen
was secretly recording Trump,
because, let's be honest,
he doesn't look smart enough
to work a tape recorder, right?
He doesn't have
that kind of face.
It's like if you came home
and you caught
your golden retriever rifling
through your W-2s, you know?
You'd be like, "Bad dog,
Patches, those are private."
Now, obviously,
if Cohen was secretly taping
his conversations
with President Trump,
that could be a huge deal.
Although, the president
wants you to know
that he has nothing to hide.
President Trump took to Twitter
this morning, weighing-in
on reports that his former
personal attorney Michael Cohen
secretly recorded conversations
with him.
The president said
it's inconceivable
that the government would break
into a lawyer's office,
then went on and called such
taping totally unheard of
and perhaps illegal.
He ended by saying,
"The good news is that
your favorite president
did nothing wrong!"
My favorite president?
Why would he bring up
Martin Van Buren?
I, like...
He has done nothing wrong.
Nothing at all.
(cheering and applause)
And you know what's funny
about this story
is that all of last week,
Trump was like,
(mimics Trump): "Russia never
could have taped me
without me knowing,
I'm too smart."
(normal voice):
And now he's like,
(mimics Trump):
"Oops, my own lawyer taped me
without me knowing."
(normal voice): Like, honestly,
at this point,
it would be weirder
if Russia didn't have
blackmail material on Trump,
because everyone seems
to have blackmail material
on President Trump.
Michael Cohen has tapes,
 Access Hollywood has tapes,
Howard Stern has tapes,
even Eric has tapes.
Yeah, it's true.
His most prized possession
is a voice mail
his dad left him during
a butt dial.
-So... so Michael Cohen...
-(audience exclaims
Your heart-- She's like...
(crying)
(laughter and applause)
So Michael Cohen's secret tape
was already some bad news
for Trump,
but then he got even worse news.
You see, the FBI released
documents showing
that they had good reasons
to get a wiretap
on Trump's former campaign aide,
Carter Page.
In other words,
not a witch hunt,
or as Trump put it,
(mimics Trump):
"Total witch hunt."
TV REPORTER: The president,
 without evidence,
 insists the documents vindicate
 his claim
 that the Russia probe
 is a partisan witch hunt,
 tweeting, "Looking more and
 more like the Trump campaign
 for president was illegally
 being spied upon
 for the political gain
 of crooked Hillary Clinton."
TV REPORTER: But even some in
 the president's own party say
 the documents don't show
 misconduct
 in the investigation.
I have a different view on it.
I don't think
it's broad of any--
part of any broader plot.
The only plot here is the plot
to interfere in our election
by the Russians.
You know, it's amazing how Trump
will hold up something
that doesn't vindicate him
at all,
and with complete confidence
just claim that it does.
Like, like if Trump tried on
a bloody glove
and it fit perfectly,
he'd just roll with it.
He'd be like, (mimics Trump):
"That's right.
"These are my gloves,
and as we all know,
"nobody with gloves this nice
could commit murder, folks.
"The defense rests.
I'm going home."
So right now
Trump is in a bad way.
They found his lawyer's
secret tapes,
and it turns out that the FBI
did have a valid reason
to investigate his people.
Plus the president just saw
this really disturbing video
of a waitress body slamming
a perfectly nice customer.
He's having a bad time.
It's a full-on barrage
of problems.
So late last night Trump reacted
by grabbing his tweet box
and created a problem
for all of us.
Breaking news.
Overnight, the president
threatening war with Iran.
Language that raises
new concerns.
President Trump fired off
this threat:
"To Iranian President Rouhani,
"never, ever threaten
the United States again
"or you will
suffer consequences,
"the likes of which
few throughout history
have ever suffered before."
He was in all caps, which means
he was yelling back at Iran.
(laughter)
What?
What are you...?
Why is he explaining caps lock
to Fox viewers?
They're old, they're not Amish.
Like, come on.
He's like, "Now, there's also a
yellow face with a smile on it.
It's not a real person.
That's a..."
But yes, President Trump
has made an all-caps threat
to destroy another country.
And remember,
this is the same way
he threatened fire and fury
on North Korea. Yeah.
And then six months later
totally caved to Kim Jong-un.
Yeah, so there's a good chance
that in a few months
we'll see Trump saluting Iran
and America will be
under sharia law. Yeah.
He'll be like, "I gave Iran
everything they wanted, folks,
and now there will be peace
inshallah."
Yeah. It's-it's either that...
(cheering and applause)
It's either that
or America is headed for a war.
But the good news is
you stopped thinking
about Michael Cohen and Russia,
so mission accomplished.
