Amy
Thank you. Thank you so much for being here to be a part of tonight is amazing
Welcome is so cool to get to do a show not only with four women, but with three of my best friends
So thank you for being a part of tonight give yourselves a hand
I'm dressed up. I know this dress makes me look
Frightened and it looks like this, but you know dressed for the job that you want
People always assume that I'm shallow because I'm really pretty
But I'm really not I'm not shallow at all like the guy. I'm seeing right now isn't even good-looking
I'm serious. No one's ever like smooth pads or like what happens is he?
Ill should we call someone I just I've never cared about that stuff
You know and he's so rich that
Doesn't come up a boy can't hear him with the bag. Why I?
briefly I've been thinking about getting some work done to him and
I think I'm Gonna do it
Now he's really cute. He looks like one of the guys from the hills have eyes
Now the truth is I right now. I'm going through a breakup. Well. He doesn't know yet. Technically. I'm just cheating on him but
weird
I just threw my just fearless surprise party
It wasn't his birthday, but I wanted like a really fun way to telling me at HPV
So surprise you a super surprise
Your are like, Oxycontin I
Just went to La has anyone ever had their self-esteem lower
Wow, that place will ruin your life. They're like anil is 30 pounds to play the fat friend. I was like great
Okay, you guys don't like cellulite on the face here
Everybody was hot there the only guy who came close to hitting on me was this dude from Georgia
like the Inbred not the country and
He walked up. He's wearing overalls and a sailor had but I'm like who am I to judge right?
Like maybe he's got a boat somewhere, and it needs a paintin
This water here right, but guy the piece is weird. I got stung by a jellyfish
My first orly stuff, so the guy was peeing on me told me
Remember nothing in the water, but I'm not a doctor
not a doctor I
Pme, Ocean views were just good girls licking me. I do whatever one there. It's real
Good for you. I do all this minute, but I go in his ankle teeth
Sound like I'm a fountain
So amazing for Li. I'm 19
I'm in my late 20s like as late as you can be near 20 and I
Talked to my friend. I was like I'm noticing lines. You know on my face, and she's like we'll just stop using is so much
What you mean ah because we'll look this isn't wine last now. Oh
My God, yes, Bobby what?
It'll look like I'm dying right crazy
My great-Grandma's inside. He actually died in my arms as I was choking her and
Now she was a million years old like it was crazy. She was still alive like she looks like the Crypt keeper
You know in the turtle from neverending story?
She'd get our hair done once a week, but you call it getting a blowjob early
retirements awesome
But we got to do something really special
Before her organs started failing one by one do you know the show?
antiques Roadshow
You know if you're a stoner, you know that Joe okay? How much is a lab, or ah?
He loves it
He loves it, so I got to bring her to a taping
you know to see what I could go for and
50 bucks we thought you for the gargoyle
really scary bit I
get confused by the title of reality show you don't want to know what I thought survivor was about a beer - I
Bag I'm a jew are there any yeah?
Crazy for New York. I just watched our homeland. Have you have been to Miami I?
replayed
Yeah, lastly. Everybody was kind up there - and everything's hot here well, you know not like here here
But now that's lee's any of these things in Miami, and you've seen them a little um cuban people
if you blink you'll miss them I'm probably their tiny pussy folks applaud us I
Met my first Cuban nine ladies listen this guy's name
City song
How hot is on right? Okay? Ain't a name is ed. You 311 I don't give a shit
Like what do we have to go to abusive hair now?
Join that's like something. I don't know we'll figure it out. Oh
here
Human and away, men ten. We're at the hotel restaurant, and I was just like trying to order breakfast you know day
I was having carbs very rare and
I'm like - I'm a corn muffin. You know the waitress. She's like
Oh that guy
Just got the last one we only have chocolate chip lesson plan so stays our here's the honey comes over. He's like
Excuse me
You could take a corn Muffin I
would have the shelf machine
When we help you in this guy, you know, we're not allowed to trade with you fuckers
Not up to me people
always think because I'm a white female that I don't deal with Racism and I film but I
Saw the movie jungle Fever I get it. You know I?
love Black-And-white movies, but now I suppose I
Totally dealt with racism growing up I grew up
I was like the only deal in my town the kids were so mean they didn't call me amy schumer. They called me amy schumer
Thank you, ma'am, wow
And one summer I'll never forget they also turned throwing handfuls of pennies at me
I'm like excuse me. It is awesome. Oh my God
Like a wealthy the goonies of Lehman
Beginning at not tails. I was like
But I'm cool with all races all religions like what what are you? I?
Would not my FAv
Korean the Puerto Rican and you're talking gorgeous
Why are all these like gorgeous mixed girls you have to be two things to be amazing now?
You look like the most beautiful ally, and I've ever seen in my life
Everything Mazda's finger you
Can you believe you can say finger on TV?
Thank you. It means the world it means the girl
No, you don't like it
no, but I really add an all races religions of why I love New York like I'm on the Subway the other day and
There's this little old woman sitting next to me you know they get like really little and old
You know like she look like a raisin. I look
Watching my cereal
Got in there
Thank you, I
Mean we all shrink like my mom's shrinking. I'm like why are you complaining?
Osteoporosis is so cute on you look at that. I
Keep finding a milk from our own money
uglier figurine bitch, but
This woman. I mean she was like in downward dog. I was like why is your spine asking a question
oh
Sometimes God gets it wrong. So out of nowhere
Chance me. She was like have you heard the good news
So I have no idea what she's talking about. I'm just like no like is the morning-after pill over-the-counter again like what a
lot of us such as when I write, so
Kyle is
No really another planet um
I'm like what is this good news, you know fill me in Blanche, and she was like no
She explained like she was inviting me to her church
She's trying to save me and I was like oh, man. I'm so sorry
But my people are Jewish
She was like well, that's okay here people
Haven't found jesus yet
And I'm like oh my we found him
Maybe you vener the bad news
So you think as a lawyer clapping I?
I just went to amsterdam has anyone ever made a mistake
Did you go the road my existence? You did did you get a process map?
yes, you did good for you isaac you but I just made early tickle my arm and tell me I'm better than
money well spent
Who's this break us? I'm beginning to set up a lot my friend my new friend
Set me up with this guy and she warned me she was like
He's really cool, but he has Tourette's oh
I was like that's fine in my head. I was like
We went out and it really was fine
it wasn't it wasn't bad at all you know and I was feeling comfortable and halfway through the day and then during a blackout and
So I'm like Evan what makes you tick
progress
Nobody was cool. And we did we wound up having sex and there was like yelling of racial slurs
Swinging and spitting, and he honestly didn't seem to mind so
it this time of year I get seasonally slutty and
they're
Like do you think I'm completely insane? I am a good person normal
natural like I don't even bleach anything except my asshole and
I
Pi Diet. I that I
Am any proud of me. I'm a good person. I was raised
Well my mom teaches the deaf and I volunteer every summer at the special Olympics has anyone ever
competed
Yeah
So I love it. I love it. It's like the kid
They just think that it's like the olympics you know tries to explain to that like hey guys. It's not
This Sr. Was impossible because they're all like the Michael phelps look like us, and I'm like oh
He is a hell of a drug
All right back to me King like I was
Now this relationship. I'm in is Dustin. I'm telling you. It's so over like
He's like really religious. He's catholic. You know so he feels like really guilty right after sex
So I pretend like I feel guilty too much really that maybe you should go home
What do they think we want to be housed all night? No? I like sleeping by myself like a swastika. I'm just like
It's all upon this oh
God. He's great. He's a very neat for a boy
You know like he always cleans up his mess right away. No matter where he gets it on me
Can't just panic. So he's like no wetback. I'm like hey
Till you would be
Back in the kitchen. This is not going to do themself, but
This product you're attractive. I requested an ugly ugly audience
Especially the front round they look at your ear gorgeous you guys together how long?
know how long ago
What in here is my life?
You're so cute. What's your name?
Grayson okay
No, like you're adorable like I wouldn't even report you if you day raped me like looking for a sin right what I am
You guys can't see it, but even the guys would be excited. Well, I would report you, but just like you with the lineup
Is that how you guys matter?
Now this is shit Grace and God
That's why they need google in the delivery room
right
So when your mom was like, I'm going to name him Greyson
Google shows up, and says did you mean?
Thank you good to be here. I've had sort of a weird week
I went to some strange dates recently I went out with this guy, and he took off his coat
and he had like pronounced him now I
don't care for guys like 20 or 30 pounds overweight, but I don't people love to it I
Think that's really all I ask or just don't come to our date with a Willowy childbearing frame
I'll kick your fat butt. I don't look knocked up that's going to confuse me I
Do have a hard time meeting guys. I'm on the road a lot. Which is hard
I'm just working in vegas recently and I was laying by the pool and I saw this guy walk up from pretty far away
I could already tell me what to do. She was one of those guys like a there's a douche
My favorite type. She's kind of like a young day racing junk. You know those guys like
You don't like you just graduated from rates tax or some shit
His name was Chad you know
And he walks up community goes you sort of so drunk that he was kind of gently
Swaying which I always find very arousing to serve on
That's when you stopped as a woman you go. He shows me. He chose me
Chosen I'm Worthless
He wants company goes I bet you don't know. What Vegas is really about
Like no, but I think this press over here is going to tell me
It was actually about sex and money
like I was going to be like but I think it was about unconditional love than eating organic and
Caring for someone into the winter of their life
On television was about loving someone so much that you just held them in a hospital bed here
They made it or not just wanted to sit there
That kind of loyalty and trust, but now you mean to tell me that all this time
Now vegas and money has been cool with each other
Well if what you say is true, I've got to tell the detectives and saying
Even my breasts you're concerned. I'm scared something awful and
then he was
Then he walks up the next grouping of women. He was just discussed
It was me didn't care for myself because he just wanted to be inside of anything right and I oh
Yeah
And he walked up to the next group of women he just looks at them. He goes
You age to come back to our room. We've got vodka Oc ad
See that that's what Vegas is about about vodka up the ass
It's also book about mindfulness my Deepak Chopra
of the axe and other morning meditations I
Think that fear is like with men and meeting the right guy
I'm afraid I'm just going to get really tired after a series of failed relationships
And I'll be like in the movies whenever the woman leaves a guy that beats her shows himself of some soft
Bearded theatre teacher, you know he's not a grown man
Some guide Whispers like a therapist all the time
He looks like he teaches like soft do studies and horticulture at Hofstra or something I?
Have yeah, that's my fear like you won't even have a man's body like any just take off your shirt
And they'll be like a clothing smear that I'm forced to have sex with
The kind of guy, that's name is Richard
But he won't be called rich like he actually just
Prefers the full name like I just put a little ritual other than wonder if that's okay
Always just like the full name Richard. Yeah
And I will soon meet you much during sex like I wanted to be nervous
But always like I just want you to feel safe. Okay, you feel safe
We just stop and have some soup
So maybe have some soft carrots or lots of carrots I?
don't even believe in erections a bit of a male feminist and uh I
Think they're pretty darn aggressive
So they are not going to happen here not on my watch
Going to fold it half and put it in that way
Why would you fold it in half I?
Feel like Richards idea of talking dirty would be like going to give you some unconditional love pong. Do you like that looks like rock?
So we're not doing enough to protect our national parks. What do you think you will Hoorah?
When I give it to you, just a little bit harder. Huh Sophie little slut yeah, I
Know and then we got one of those weird kids with peanut allergies, you know
it wouldn't even be like a
Reasonable peanut dollars either do one of those kids that goes into toxic shock if he has a nut you know it really really
And he loves me just a little more than I loved him like you'd love them. You love them
You would you know but he'd love you. Just a little more you know
Like you'd be one of those kids like you take him to a birthday
Party when he's like ten and he's still holding onto your leg, and you're like all right? Just go play Josh
Just played like I just prefer Joshua, but that's okay
It's always like the full name Joshua
Why would I call play what I could go home with you, and we could work on my ant farm instead?
So much possibility let's go home and have chart discussions about that
The eye contact between the two of us Hill fantastic right now
My mom just came up to visit me recently my mom's really sassy
I know if anyone like has a parent like this
But my mom's got one of those crazy sort of overly spiked mom do's her hair just keeps getting more and more aggressive
every time I see her
She looks insane looks a lot like vanilla ice at this time
Her hair looks like it was cut by computer
And she really wants to be black or ethnic somehow like it's really embarrassing
she works with all these black women so she makes them taste like all these outdoor pictures with her and it's just like if she
Puts them up all over the kitchen so she can pretend like she has all these black friends
You know it's just 20 to press completely in different looking black women or my mom in the middle lunging like this
Her favorite thing to tell people now is issue should have been black. It's just really weird like at parties and stuff
She's always like people always tell me they go Karen. You should have been black, and it's true. I dance like I'm with
I'm a very very soulful dancer
Meanwhile her dancing is actually so awful. It's confusing like I don't know what's going on when she's dancing. I know I don't feel safe
There are dancers like she's stirring herself. Which is this very problematic console stirring
a lot of sideways accusatory glances
Real real fucked-up shit
and her staff takes her to emcee battles like it's a serious crisis in the family my mom has been my
Aggressively white mom has been to like ten battles this year
Now she's getting cocky like she's got all these opinions about the rapper's like the last battle she went to she goes you know what?
I am like can I slap her I didn't think that he was really fun two three. I just I didn't buy it
I'm like really you could sniff out the street on someone you teach Low-impact aerobics I
Think my mom's a hater now. I think she's just involved with like a do-rag like nah. No, that's not good nah
Nice Gonna have some nice
I think she wants to be like one of those white women the movies would save the black school. I think that's her bling yeah
Like I feel like if it was up to her
She'd get up every morning and put on like a sassy leather jacket go teach. Hip-hop Violin and the ghetto you know
Maybe reach out to some kid named Trey
At some point during the day Gavin Village. Oh, it'll be nice man long because in my life man
You don't know nothing about what I've been through man
No, nothing other things I see man. I can't do this no more. I can't talk no more
It worked too bad Karen. I can't push them or
Keep you like this go ahead and rub pray. Just go ahead run quick one
Going yet pick up your violin and run
Give it trey. You're braver than that, and you know what I ran one
And then he would come back and just cry slow suggs tears
We play some Jay-Z finger blaster the point is I know she wants
I
Don't know what she wants us like Tom. I
I just moved recently I live there now Brooklyn out, or nope anyone from Brooklyn hair
They're these guys they work at the store my corner - it's kind of like hang outside my apartment on these milk crates may drink
40 all drinkers the real winners and
Every time I leave my apartment
They sort of treat me like it's my naughty little idea to be a woman you know which is a very funny feeling
like at around
10 a.m., or so when I have a hangover. There's this same guy every time I lose leave my own place
You just standing there going. I'm saying boo. I'm saying boo
Man blue how you Gonna do that to me? I'm sane
And well, I just want to call you. I want to be your friend blue
And it works that you're guilty and soil somehow defective
But I've heard guys say a lot of stuff in the street
But I think I recently heard my favorite like most trifling thing I've ever heard a man say
I was walking my friend like she's kind of like heavy bread good guy good very excited by early
She caught the real story. You know
If she has a kind of breasts like men have questions any time with you know
Did he talk processing them like we were packing this guy? He just goes like this. He goes daddy dual shape like that
I am done and
He kept shaking almost as good cause
almost a zipper titties typically thrown him off course
And ice prancing to myself like how does we want that to end like what would be his ideal edging to that comment
What she's going to spin around and be like yes, there are yes get eastern
All these kiddies have been bored all day. I think we should stop and have pity fun right now. I?
Know what do these titties, but now you're here. Thank God you are I?
Think you should be the supervisor these kitties. That's right. So for iblees interesting afternoon
It's anytime PC fun fun fun fun
I've never performed anywhere like this. I'm used to working the road you know not the streets
The road I drive a lot when I'm working I got pulled over better day which sucks
I got out of the ticket though. I did like the girliest thing to get out of it, right. I started crying
That's nothing new for me. I always cry after sex, so you got to do
you got to do and I think she liked it you know and
Like it or ticket folks. That's my policy. Thank you
sticking to it a
Terrible driver couple weeks ago. I had adhere to your old man, and I hope he's okay
You lost the note
Thank God. It wasn't a real garyun. Ow. I love animals
A
lot of shopping today looking for a fur coat and
This woman came up to me out of the blue
She talked me on the shoulder, and she was excuse me ma'am
Does anyone ever told you you should be a model? And you guys I was like oh my God no
It was like good, Mr.. Walk away. I was like what the fuck what?
Trying to be more responsible about snacks. You know I don't want to catch any more stuff, but
my dance card asshole
But it's hard you know my friend is like
You know what if you don't asleep with a guy just don't shave your legs
Feel like a week and then go out with them, so I'll do that
But then I'll just get drunk and like still hook up, and then I'm just like the gross girl with hairy legs
Run around Town
and Tastic I
Tried to make a ring for myself. I was like you know I'm going to make this new role
No sex on a first date. That's my new role. So I like to you know quit mating and stop
Clearly impossible a guy buys. You didn't dinner at Chili's you owe him like that's how I was great
Can't changes women
Actually recently just got out of a long-distance relationship
She's tough I had to break up with him Via Skype. That was weird
He was like maybe you're breaking up, and I'm like your damn street
Really happening
it was a
Mutual breakup with his gun. You know we just both decided that he's a piece of shit. It was a good thing I
Had got it. You know
He wasn't getting me sometimes. I was like verbally abusive like Mel Gibson II and
He wasn't physically abusive. You know he was the boring kind of abusive
I'm glad he never heavy. That's a good thing
Um mostly cuz I feel like I don't know type of trick that would get hit and I'd be like didn't hurt you know decide
Am I asking for it I?
Uh I had a friend actually once that was in a relationship like that, and it was weird
every couple weeks
He would have like a new black eye that she couldn't explain you know
And I was the only one out of my friend to confront her about it
She got very defensive you know she's like Vicki. What do you want me to do like?
I welcome what am I supposed to do and like I don't know like this or something like
an expert but
The Super-Rich hold out as long as you can you know?
long-distance relationships are hard you got to have a
phone sex a lot
Which I'm not even like good at regular sex yet
So home is a struggle because what I was like
Just fax me a transcript of what you want me to say to you
I'll go pick it up at kinkos like I can't come up to stuff on the fly
Keep your bag. You know you just like talk dirty, and I say things like I have a vagina
stating fact
So I'm tired of even get a little more specific, but it would like get worse on my own I
Remember one time. He was like will be are you wet and like life is good p ten minutes ago
You forgot to get toilet paper
That was a real hot
It got to the point where I'm in the end of our relationship
He was like hounding me to send him like naked pictures. You know
But I didn't want to do
what I did
here's the thing I did not put my face in the pictures you know because that's how he asked for them, but also uh
protect my identity
That's the way you should do it. I don't know if anyone women here have ever
Had a photo session with just like this area before
Usually you're in like a ramada Inn in the middle of Wisconsin. That's how I do it
It's like quite the process to take hours like the lighting is an issue
And this is like the best subject. It's not very photogenic
Because you get a picture, and then you're like oh god no, and you got to take it again and again
I'm giving it direction on my scroll with your eye like nothing
How did I blink in this salon?
I need Brown eye reduction. I am
God, why did I?
So I'm going to start dating again. I guess that's inevitable. I hate dating
The only thing I like about it is um the first couple days you can like
Still hide your crazy like because of the note yet, that's important to me I
Always feel like I'm a different version of myself for every guy
I'm dating like I'm a different Nikki like I even changed the way. I spell my name for every guy
I'm dating I know this is weird. Let me explain. I usually felt ni K ki
But I was dating this guy named nick for a while no six
I big hewed if I split
And I see ky be cute and similar and then I was dating this black guy for a while
And so cheated too ni Q ue dollar sign
we loved it and
I loved being we should hang around even know how you pronounce it
Things ended badly with us. So he cheated on me real bad, and I didn't want to do
But I did changes, and I kkk I and get my revenge
Thank you for laughing at that
Some of you
Don't worry. That's not a racist joke
It's not I actually I got permission to tell that joke
From three of my very best friends who just so happened to be racist, and they said it was fine
You do stupid stuff when you want revenge when you've been hurt
One time I got a voodoo doll - the dumb idea and I quote I couldn't believe it worked
like I stabbed the voodoo doll in the chest with a needle the next day my ex-boyfriend was snapped I
Mean I did it, but you know what you just make your own dreams
Come true in this world
I'm still weird, you know
So I don't have kids. I have that going for me. Thank you
My friend has a baby now
She have a baby from one time what she just got super blackout wasted. Which is scary
You know that can happen one night? She went Sandbars met some random dude
They did one too many shots together and they ended up you know kidnapping a baby, and you do sit like that
Place is hanging up playground
We don't know where she got it. We keep watching the amber alerts. We don't even know if this baby's name is Amber
Actually, this is weird. I like an amber alerts text message to Mavis. I'm going to do this it's
Seriously, it's a free service. You can sign up for online, and I wrongly suggest you do it because every time a child goes missing
You will feel fuckin popular. You're like. I'm blowing up, and you've gone I
Am look for I do this or whatever, but I'm always in my living room. She's never there
Not even one
Kinder first thing though if you get these texts like you don't need to write them back. They like get it ah
Cuz one time I wrote back, and I was like at Founders aka, LOL
like look
they found me and
obsessed with texting
Ridiculous how I communicate with like everyone in my life
you know except my grandma because she doesn't act you know so we don't talk but
No, I hear I'm are getting lazy about texting when it comes like grammar and spelling and I'm a stickler when it comes up stuff
Because I'm English major in college you might be able to tell I'm almost fluent. I'm pretty good I
Got text from my friend mother dado, and I can't meant to say how are you my friend?
He forgot the comma in the middle so to me. It was just like how are you my friend?
Or anything is thick about it like that?
Is ignorance the typo is different?
The swimmable singer you can send the opposite message you want to send to someone it can ruin a relationship
This happened to me. I was out to drinks with my friends
Ex-boyfriend friendly drinks. I hadn't seen him in a while
You know and I didn't tell her I didn't wanted to make it an issue
But she found out you know she shoots me attacks. She's like don't fuck him smiley face
and
And I wrote back. I won't haha
But I forgot the tea on the won't so to her was his I won ha
And I did
oh
All right
My name's Marina. It's not a great African name
Didn't get one
Sorry, my sister. Did her name is Niala which means one who succeeds
Marina just means a place where you dock bow
You can take there any way you want to?
Thank you, I
Used to say that joke because I was looking for a man, but I actually have one now
So I should really be doing that joke anymore really I kind of still wanted
And you never know I?
Got a man cuz I stopped looking when you're looking for a man. You're never going to get one because you have that bad look
Like Where is he?
It's almost like a desperate prostitute just on the street disasters going
backtracking
You sure
It's too desperate a guy can see that a mile away. He's gonna be like that bitch is crazy
And he gets that desperate and I was you start looking at losers and thinking you know what I can make that work
Cockeyed I don't care cuz that one I can see
Is when you stop looking that's when you get a guy when you stop smoking
You know that moment actually when you're single, and you're enjoying it, and you're happy
That's what a man. Go look at you like oh
Yeah, oh
my
That is q hat
Imma take her down
That's how I got my ex. I wasn't focused
He got he laziest men I ever dated
unbelievable, just lied there
Actually broke my sometimes and is not a hot sexy story. He was just laying there and it broke
When he jumped up that was the fast as I ever seen a move
But I made it work sometimes you do that
You just stay in a relationship just to be in a relationship
and I made it work like I remember one time we were watching this winter sport on TV called the Luge I
Have never seen this before
It's basically a winter sport where you just lie there
on ice
somebody kicks you off
And you go I was like look, baby
Something you could do
And I told him see your illusion. Oh
Thank you
Yeah, but I have a guy now. He's here. Yes. He's I'm happy. So that's not funny
it's
miserable
hilarious
He's real he's younger than me. He's really hot. He's younger. I'm officially a cougar
Thank you. He's young Annie's wife, so I'm not just a cougar. I'm with black pants
I'm a real predator. Yes, I
You know I got them. I was my I was hanging out in the game stop and uh
That's what they like. I thought that I got an xbox
Is right and it's 360 oh?
They wrote a highly functional. He's been hooked ever since
he wants me to meet his uh his mama or should I say mother it's
Gonna be weird cuz he's got telling her two things you know I'm black, and I'm older I can't wait to meet her
cuz IMma tell him I
Got y'all baby
I'm gonna make you Obama's what music. They don't make you know?
I'm leaving waiting. Whatever. I did a white guy. I always lose weight. This is the first like I don't know what they do
They do little subtle things
like the last like I did it with do little subtle things to make sure I
Stay pinned like he would throw his napkin in my dish before I was done
think about that I
was eating
Maybe like you finished bitch. Do it right my plan I?
was real since a good diet my last guy was Puerto Rican I actually gave way the
Puerto Rican man, they feed you
So nobody also watch you I?
Was getting big it was like mommy Daddy. Gas is nice
It could be big
Iy but I got tired of beating
He was like that nice
He didn't know what diabetes was I
Think he thought it was a Spanish word who knows I?
Like to in comas or the best part of comedies you get to travel I love it
You know like I went to Ireland
Didn't see a lot of black people didn't expect to I saw one black guy. He looked at me like why are you here?
Don't ruin my shit I
Got a good I
Went to england they got black he blair you know I had an okay time in England
They never really laugh at my jokes. They would just go
Brilliant I
Really annoy me I was like don't drill ian my junk laughs
They were like no, but it's brilliant
It was cool to see black people there, but it's different. You know. I don't know different boat earlier
So we took a left all the way
And I got curious. I'm like I wonder what they call the black people. You know since they can't call them African Americans
My ass is one British dude. I was like excuse me excuse me, Emma, whoa
What do you call your black people? Huh?
He's like. Oh, we call de niggas
What did you say?
But you can't do that in America. It's banned we banded
You like oh, oh
oh
shimmy you
You pass your knickers?
Brilliant
I know that's just a hard dutiful admin you guys actually had no problem, Whatsoever. I
Was in South Africa, South Africa was an amazing experience. You know little black people
I had a great time
I was on stage you want to get on stage as a black performer you want to be like I'm home wow oh Africa
oh
Here the guy's a piece, please
Do do then I?
Why not on for Master do ya do ya?
You are not from here. Originally. I'm from Africa. What is your address?
like damn, good point
nobody wants
We're like African Mexican
Well, originally I'm from Chicago. That's where I grew up in the suburbs of Chicago white neighborhood
I moved to a black neighborhood, and it was too late I
Was why I didn't have any skills, but I know how to fight. I didn't know double dutch
That's important some people don't know what double dutch is that tell them is when you get to dutch skiving in the middle leg
That's what they told me
I've always been trying to prove my blackness. We can grow up like that. You always try to prove it
I try to prove it with white girls, but you know then you're not scared of it, and that really annoys me
Like I hadn't happened one time in his bathroom is three drunk white girls in his bathroom
And they weren't actually using the stall they were just blow drying their hair in the hand dryer
And there's a long line of women waiting for this bathroom as always. I'm at the front of the line
What boughs on my way in I'm like? What do you do it?
I go to the actual stall you know and I hear the girl as I'm inside and saw here the girl go
We should probably live
said dick except her bitches
I'll open the doors are strong. I was like excuse me. I'm pull my pants up first
Because that would have been there
Or high depending on what you like I?
Was like excuse me
What did you say and she looked at me and she said I said?
We should probably leave so you could stop your bitching
Okay
And I closed the door back to the song cause she did answer my question I
Mean at that point you better fight. Yeah, that's a pity I
Want those drugs man. I talk a lot, but I can't back it up like
I guess why you know when you want to fight like you need a big man behind you like a bouncer time
Do you ever notice a woman talks a lot always has a big man right behind
You need to see like Wanna fight me. I'm come fight me
baby
your job I
Live in Harlem, New York now. That's where I live. Which is actually changed like you guys can go
They're all white people there. You can tell because we got like three Starbucks
salad
Why people green salad that's nice?
The first time I saw right tomatoes. I was like
They come
That's a nice tomato it shiny
We had an Italian Bistro that opens up on my block that was weird all glass window. Why people just inside they knock come
Every time I walk by I might come out you know be a part of the community my enemy I
Had a sweater is like a caucasian aquarium. Just sitting there
If a culture class going on in Harlem Kazoos the change is too fast
you know so
Like I had just happens for the first time ever
I had a white girl come to my door and complain about my music being too loud I
Got pissed off. I'm like the black neighborhood definitely do
You play our black music. Loud. You don't like it get out
It was messed up because I was playing Simon & Garfunkel
I
Learned to my mind business. You know New York is the Minor business capital in the world it really is like
I had this happen one time on the street. I saw this woman
Yelling at this child on the street really bad and I said something
And I should have just minded my business
here like I would love to have kids I would but I've seen some of these mothers and they look like they have lost their
mind
What makes your clock ticking stop?
This coming a child cause I'll have one
This this would have been a dutch town
Anyways yelling shouts. You like this show is over here ah yo black?
Now what the hell you crying foul
pop you in your mouth probably mom I
Looked at her. I was like oh my God you don't talk to a child like that. She looked at me
Like what the hell you lookin at huh, you all right is my child
You doing a great job I?
Was scared I ran I'm a good Runner. I
Ran three long blocks all like don't look back just keep going
But you can't help it you want to see what's going on. So I'll look back for just a second
She was still standing there looking at me
Thank you
you
