

### A Father's Cry – My Fight for Justice

### Don McPhail

Acknowledgements

There are so many people that I have to thank for being there for me over the years.

_Nick_ _junior you know who you are. The countless days you sat and listeBen as I poured my heart out to you. I wish I would have taken your advice more often than I did. Thank you and I love you dearly as my friend and confidant._

Nick Senior. How can I forget the many times you would sit and listen to me tell you about my continued weaknesses of giving to Jesse? I can never forget you telling me with your Ukrainian accent "Donny for someone so smart, you do some stupid shit!" That will stick with me forever. God Bless you Pops.

Then, I have Ken Fox, a true hero of mine. The fights you have leveled for your workers, friends, and family are too many to mention . Thanks for helping out the fathers who are suffering as I have. But, more importantly Ken, it was your succinct words you spoke to me that made the difference. You told me, "You have to draw a line in the sand with Jesse." It took awhile and finally I did. Thank you so much.

Doug Cosgro you inspired me to believe some day my kids will "get it" and some day they will be with me. I believe you. Your ability to, as they say, read the tea leaves gave me hope and one of my biggest reasons for continuing the battle. Thank you.

Timmy, better known as "Timmy Size," thanks. Thank you for listening to my bitching day in and day out for so long. I am glad you are my friend and sorry about "World Com!"

To Julie from Scoops my late night listening post for so long. You would always listen and show your understanding for my situation. Maybe I should have listeBen more to you too! I surely appreciated your support. I hope you feel I returBen the favor when you needed the same. "Your Son fired me" do you remember that day? Hah hah.

To my family I can never thank you enough for being there for me when I just wasn't really there. Dad, I love you more than you know for trying to keep the best eye you could on the bar when I made it difficult for you to do so. I was blinded by my situation with the children and took it out on the family. I am sorry. Glad the ticker got its needed repair. Maybe if things work out you will be around to see your Granddaughter none of us have been allowed to know.

Mom you have also become a bed rock person in my life. I am sorry that you have been deprived like the rest of the family because of an intolerable person like you know who. I love you.

Brenda, Carla, John, and Bonnie I can only say thanks for being there in what ever way you possibly could for me. The shoulders and ears that I leaBen on and twisted surely must need repair for the amounts of stress that I put upon them. I can only say thank you for all of you.

For anyone that I may have missed, thanks for being there.

Table of Contents

Intro: A Fathers Cry pg. 5

Chapter 1: Chance Meeting pg. 9

Chapter 2: Research and Test I Should Have Done pg. 19

Chapter 3: Kids and Fatherhood pg. 29

Chapter 4: Head, Heart and Soul pg. 43

Chapter 5: Jesse "The" Team Player pg. 52

Chapter 6: Lessons Taught, Lessons LearBen

pg. 61

Chapter 7: The Battle Ground pg. 73
Chapter 8: Mommy, Who's My Daddy? pg. 86
Chapter 9: Proof is in The Pudding Documents pg. 98

Chapter 10: Lawyers and Scruples = Dewey, Cheatem, and Howe pg. 128

Chapter 11: Judge Hayes in a Haze pg. 139

Chapter 12: New Year, New Results! pg. 155

Chapter 13: Fathers-4-Justice pg. 163

Epilogue: My Fight for Justice pg. 170

Introduction

25 Million Reasons to Read this Book

This book is about many things, yet it is about one thing. A Father's Cry focuses on love. It's about love and how important it is in raising your children. Of course love is essential in any child's life. It is especially vital for kids to know that both parents love them. It's about awareness.

When my twins, Kolten and Wyatt, were first born and later my daughter Addy came into this world, I never realized how complicated and difficult it would be to get to know my children, to be a part of their lives and to share my love with them. You must be wondering—"Why was it so difficult for him to be with his kids?"

Was I in prison? No. Did I live in another country or thousands of miles away? No. Am I a sex offender? No. Perhaps I'm a Dead Beat Dad? Not even close. I'm not a criminal; I live within an hour of my kids; and I've always provided for them.

My "crime" was, and still is, that I am a father. It's that simple.

My children's mother and I were never married. And although we attempted to have a relationship it did not work out. That meant there were many issues concerning exactly how our children would be raised.

Here's a simple fact. When it comes to custody or visitation or childcare in our court system, especially in Minnesota where I live, the mother has a huge advantage over the father. You'll see this fact clearly documented in this book. One thing that's important to remember is that my case is not the only one where this has happeBen. Although my specific circumstances are unique the basic manner in which men are treated in family court is fairly common.

For some reason my money was good for my children and necessary. I agree with this idea whole-heartedly to the point that I have always gone above and beyond my financial obligations. Yet despite my vociferous efforts to be connected to their lives, I was manipulated by their mother and marginalized by the state family court system.

The Minnesota Family Court system is just like any other bureaucracy, finding ways to take its payoffs through the legal channels it deems necessary for the protection of its people: our children. Through Federal Funding incentives, the courts encourage their employees to perpetuate the Dead Beat Dad myth—which categorizes all fathers as being potential and probable shady characters uninterested in and unconcerBen with meeting their financial responsibilities.

Isn't it interesting that the label Dead Beat Dad only applies to money? Some how along the road to ensuring our children's health and welfare, we've forgotten the fundamental idea that they need love too.

My story is unique due to the fact that the mother of my children, Jesse, is different, for lack of better phrase. Exactly how she is different is impossible to describe in one or two sentences. As you read on, you will see.

Looking at Jessica's family upbringing confirms to me that both genetics and environment contribute to the development of individual personality and morality. The fact is I was in an uphill battle from the beginning because I saw my kids as people who needed love and guidance while Jesse used them as game pieces to extort large amounts of money and huge material items from me.

When you put the two of us into a court system primarily concerBen with maintaining its bureaucratic funding through innocent children, you can just imagine the potential for this system to abuse and neglect the welfare of a child in the name of protecting the welfare of that same child.

Here are a few statistics to consider when it comes to children and parents compiled directly from Fathers-4-Justice from numerous government sources and professional publications.

  * 25 million non custodial parents in the US.

  * 63% of all youth suicides grew up in families without dads.

  * 90% of runaway kids live in fatherless homes.

  * 85% of children that suffer from behavioral problems are in homes that don't have a father.

  * 80% of rapists possess displaced anger connected to fatherless homes.

  * 71% of high school dropouts grew up in fatherless homes.

  * 85% of all youths in prisons came from homes without fathers.

  * 18,000 men who killed themselves in 2005 over domestic disputes.

  * According to a 2003 Department of Human Services report prepared by the University, sample data showed that mothers were awarded sole physical custody 94 percent of the time, with fathers receiving sole physical custody 6 percent of the time.

The fact is children who have contact with both parents have a better chance at success and being well adjusted than those who are raised by only one parent. Researchers have found that it is better to have children living with both parents even if it means they have to be transported from one abode to the other. Maintaining a schedule, consistent discipline, and clear communication are important in insuring a child's welfare.

Joint custody translates into both parents being involved in their kid's lives with healthier relationships all around. Kids do better in school, cultivate more friendships, possess more confidence and are more prepared for success when mother and father are intimately involved in their lives.

So what is the problem? Is it fathers? Sometimes. Is it mothers? Sometimes. Is it something else? Often! The reality is when a parent, specifically a father, is required to participate in a flawed, systemically corrupt, misguided governmental system there are significant problems about which one person can do little.

The following pages are dedicated to examining this problem through the experience of one father, me, Donald McPhail. After reading them I hope you're so unhappy with the family court situation and with our culture's myopic vision that you'll do something to implement change. What needs to be dramatically altered? First and foremost the prejudicial perception of fathers in our courts and society needs to be transformed.

This will not materialize immediately but if there is steady pressure for change it will occur. The result will be happier, healthier children who will have a much better chance of being productive adults and loving parents themselves. What do we have to lose by making positive changes? Hopefully we can lose the lopsided statistics that represent more misery than any one child should have to endure.

Chapter 1

A Chance Meeting?

In February 1994, I bought an establishment known as _Mr. Days Restaurant and Lounge_. Located in my hometown, Coon Rapids, MN. It was a throwback to the 70s. When Betty and Tom Daher created the business it was a happening place. But by 1994, the nicotine staiBen walls, the traffic worn carpet, and the smoke encrusted lounge lights signaled the passing of an era.

The fact was Bill was afflicted with emphysema and the couple wanted to be free of what had once been their favorite place on the earth. Although _Mr. Days,_ like Tom himself suffered from ill management, I felt a new name, look, and theme would revive the fading establishment. A quarter of a century earlier the bar and lounge attracted men and women between the ages of 21 and 45. In fact my mom's bowling banquets were held there when I was a kid. The time was ripe to make a place for the next generation.

As I was in the process of purchasing _Mr. Days,_ I would frequent it to scout it. I wanted to know who worked hard, who had their hand in the till, who had some smarts and who just didn't give a damn. I came in there numerous times as a paying customer. It was no secret that I was "interested" in buying the place but no one knew it was pretty much a done deal.

Like any establishment that serves adult beverages _Mr. Days_ had its array of regulars. Just prior to closing the deal on the bar and lounge I met Jessica (a.k.a Jesse) who was with a guy named Tim whom Jesse said was "just a friend." Angie, another friend of Jessies, was also usually on the scene. Jesse was sweet, good-looking, and energetic. She had a way of making a connection, getting you interested in her. She had a vulnerability that made me care about her.

But there was something else. Maybe it was her exuberance or honesty or intensity. Whatever it was, Jesse certainly caught my attention and held it. Not as a potential lover or someone to put the moves on. She captured my interest as a person who needed protection.

Protection from what was yet to be determiBen.

Early on, after introducing me to Tim, Jesse confided that this "friend" beat her. Please realize that in the beginning I believed just about everything she told me. Like I said, she had this way about her that confirmed every word out of her mouth was gospel. She still maintaiBen that although she and Tim lived together, they were not lovers but merely very good friends.

I believed that she was a mixed up, good kid. I was about seven years her senior and feeling that she needed someone to lean on as she sorted out her life; I let her lean on me. She seemed so naïve. (Later I would discover that "seemed" was the operative word in that sentence.)

At the same time when we're having these intense conversations about her life with the dangerous Tim, Jesse was trying to connect me with Angie. She thought we'd make a good couple and that Angie could use a stable guy like me. Angie was always in tow when Jesse made her entrance.

Although I didn't think of her negatively, I didn't connect with Jesse as a girlfriend. There was even a time, six or seven months later, when Jesse and I spent a lot of time together. Her parents, who she still lived with, moved to Louisiana and Angie wanted to stay in the area. I had a big apartment at a local golf course and I offered to let her stay there for a while. We hung out, talked and got to know each other. She was a good kid.

Starting in March 1994, just after I bought the place, _Mr Day's_ was slowly being converted into the _1_ st _Draft Choice Sports Bar_. The work was done at odd hours, when we were closed. That allowed it to stay open during business hours providing a steady cash flow.

I changed everything not just the paint, rugs, and lighting. The layout, the look, the feel were all new and different. The banquet room was gone. Pool tables, dartboards, foosball tables, pinball machines and video games were all added in multiples along with the sports bar prerequisite; lots and lots of televisions. I put in a dance floor and booked in rock, pop and country bands. It was a total transformation. One reviewer put it this way, "This joint definitely has everything you look for in a bar."

The bar and lounge menu was gone too. At the 1st Draft Choice Sports Bar I created a variety of burgers, sandwiches, soups, salads and pasta dishes. The appetizers were hearty: wings, poppers and more. And of course there were all types of drinks.

Inside and out it looked great. Sure it was a lot of work. But I've never shied away from a challenging situation or long hours. Later I would discover that my tenacity, my willingness to put myself on the line, would serve me well in my relationship with Jesse.

For me the bar was something that started to define who I was and what I could do. Here I was back in my hometown, after moving away. After six years in the Air Force, where I went immediately after studying business and health sciences at college, I was making something happen. It was a special time, A busy-as-all-hell-special-time, but special nonetheless.

Although I was constantly involved in remodeling and redefining _Mr. Days_ that didn't stop me from always finding time to sit down and talk with Jesse. Jesse, who claimed Tim continued to beat her, certainly needed my ear and shoulder.

Jesse and Tim had what can be best described as a volatile situation. For over two years Jesse would show up at the bar, revealing bruises and cuts that her "friend" had inflicted on her. As days turBen into weeks and weeks into months she became more distraught, and I started to worry about her wellbeing. Like many women in her situation she kept going back because she had nowhere else to go.

It was clear that things were not getting better at Jesse and Tim's and one night when she came in battered, bruised and bawling, I calmed her down and told her she could stay at my place. I had a good-sized house across from Coon Lake in East Bethel, MN. East Bethel boasts over 100 lakes, with Coon Lake being the biggest. It's 1,709 square acres with a depth of 27 feet and it has a lot of fishing, boating, and swimming. The whole area is a big recreation and tourist Mecca where families can have a lot of fun.

At the time I figured Jesse needed distance, protection, and perspective. About a year later I'd realize that it was I who actually needed distance, protection and perspective. Not in relationship to Tim, but in connection to Jesse. But you can only live in the moment, and I was acting in good faith based on what I perceived to be honest communication. Jesse took me up on my offer and moved into my place, putting about sixty miles between her and Tim.

Although Jesse and I would sleep in the same bed we did not have sex. It may seem strange, but it is true. Sex was not on the agenda. Protection from Tim was. I had found the Jesse/Tim soap opera to be interesting, at times even intriguing, from afar. I was a smart guy, so of course getting involved in Jesse's life meant I could have a positive effect on her. After all, I'd done well for myself. I'd studied business and health sciences at South West Texas University, received an honorable discharge from the Air Force and went on to create a thriving business. She was talking to me for a reason—she knew I could and would help her. She was correct—I could and would help her. At that time I did not realize how Jesse actually wanted me to help her.

I tend to believe that people are overall good. I can't say I see the world through rose colored glasses and, no, I've never been in the market to buy the Brooklyn Bridge, but I do give people the benefit of the doubt. As I got more and more involved as a caring advisor, apparent savior, and eventual enabler in Jesse's tangled life, I found I couldn't disconnect from her. I tried but like the Mob with Michael Corleone in _The Godfather_ , she kept pulling me back in.

I was unaware of the fact that while I was attempting to help her, she had cast me in the lead role of a drama directed by her. My life was about to become more theater than anything else, and it would be emotionally entangling and physically exhausting. What started as friendly heart-felt advice became a twisted tale of torment and deceit.

Am I being melodramatic? You can be the judge of that. Am I being unfair in my analysis of Jesse and our relationship? You can be the judge of that also. Let's simply say that my connection to Jesse would, as time passed, serve to illustrate the cynical observation that "no good deed goes unpunished."

Staying at my house seemed to have a good effect on Jesse. Being apart from Tim, she started to relax and to heal physically and emotionally. That's what I observed after hours of intimate, truthful dialogue we genuinely bonded as friends so I thought.

One night, with Jesse secure in the safety of my house, Tim showed up. (All right, maybe "secure" and "safety" is not the correct words to use here.) It was 3:30 AM. He didn't knock, ring the bell or call. He just appeared in my bedroom of my house, standing at my bedroom door. Jesse and I were both asleep in my bed, fully clothed. (Please remember we had not had sex; we were apparently just like she and Tim good friends.)

Suddenly, as we were sleeping, my bedroom lights pop on abruptly. My eyes dart open and I look over to the threshold of the bedroom. I see Tim. "Pop!" The lights are off again. My eyes are struggling to focus, and I'm attempting to figure out if my bedroom lights actually went on, if I saw Tim, and if the lights clicked off or if I'd just dreamt the whole thing. I'm looking around the room trying to see in the darkness. Then I think I see someone standing in my bedroom doorway--silhouetted by the dim hallway light. The lights pop back on. It's Tim.

Tim starts ranting and screaming at Jesse.

"Get up! You're coming back with me! Get going!" he rages.

"What the hell are you doing here?" I'm asked.

Tim says that he has come to get Jesse and he wants her up and out now.

She wakes up with a "what the hell's going on" look on her face. I'm none too happy that my house has been broken into by this guy who apparently knows how to break into homes, who's been known to carry a gun, sell cocaine and who obviously likes beating on people.

It was lucky for Tim that I was sleeping on the right side of my bed that night. I usually lay on the left where I keep a fully loaded 12-gauge shotgun. I truly believe Tim would have had all 12-gauge in his gut if I had the shotgun at a ready distance.

As he continues to yell, I start telling for him to get out. Jesse's looking about as confused as a person who-just-got-scared-from-a-sound-sleep can. He continues to insist to Jesse that she's going home with him. I wonder if this guy knows he is breaking the law. Does he realize he's in someone else's home at 3:30 in the morning uninvited? Does any of this even matter to him? I surmise—probably not. The guy's acting like a lunatic, and I decide it's best to let him wear himself out.

Looking over at Jesse, the only thing I can assume is that she can't be very happy to see this clown. I'm getting more steamed because the SOB not only broke into my place, but he also shows no signs of going away. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe he's not going to wear himself out. Perhaps I'm going to have to throw the jerk out on his butt.

He's yelling. She's yelling. I'm yelling. This is really a "Good Morning America" moment. I'd say just about anything that can rage in the human body was raging in all three of us at that time: adrenalin, testosterone, estrogen. It felt like I was in some sort of Cohen Brother's movie, which is not a good feeling to have.

He keeps ordering her to come back home. It's clear that he is not leaving on his own. I'm not a violent guy; I'm not a crazy guy; and I'm not an antisocial guy. These are probably three good reasons why I kept my perspective and cool during this bizarre episode. (I didn't know it, but it was only the first of many to come.) I'm getting ready to kick this loser out the door, when to my surprise Jesse gets up, gets dressed and goes with him. Three- thirty in the morning, he gives her an order and there she is traipsing behind him. After they have gone, I fall back into the "maybe I'm in a dream" state of mind, a totally screwed up dream.

I know that Jesse saw the potential for some first-class violence and police activity that night or at least for a rambling and escalating argument that'd leave three people sleepless and ornery. I didn't think she should go, and she knew that.

But what was I supposed to do? I was in the center of a situation that could have gone south at any time. Would Tim have turBen violent? Should I have thrown him out? Call the cops? How was that going to help Jesse?

When you own a bar, there are certain guys you can instantly analyze as dangerous personalities. They've got an attitude, a way carrying themselves, a look in their eyes and a certain way of talking. To survive in the business you have to be able to quickly assess a situation and how to handle it. My immediate understanding of Tim and the incursion into my house was, despite my gut reaction of wanting to fight, it was better to wait and see.

You can't just go back to sleep after something like that. Actually you can't sleep for days after something like that. I was shaking with rage and fear. The entryway to my home had been compromised in the middle of the night. My home had become a temporary battleground. My bedroom, the place where I was supposed to be able to sleep safe and secure, was violated. Someone could have been killed.

A few days later Jesse tried to move back in with me. There was a lot going through my head at that moment. I cared about her. I hadn't been able to sleep since the break-in. I didn't want to become a crime statistic because of someone's violently jealous whim. I liked my life a little less dramatic.

I looked at Jesse and I told her, "No, I'm sorry. You can't be here. I'm not going to be in danger." And with that I figured my life with Jesse was over.

For the next few months I was consumed with my bar business. _1st Draft Sports Bar_ was booming. We had thriving pool and dart leagues, popular local bands playing and filling the dance floor and creative Karaoke crooners stretching their vocal chords. There was a lot going on in what used to be a lazy, dark lounge.

If you know anything about the restaurant and bar scene, you know it's a 24/7 job. When you're the boss you've got to be on site constantly because if you're not the service, the product and the honesty of your workers can all become compromised. When you own any business it's your name and reputation on the line. Nobody else, no other worker, has the same investment that you have in your own place. I was the engine that drove that sports bar, and the fact that I wasn't distracted by outside events made it run smoothly. _1_ st _Draft..._ had quickly become a favorite area nightspot.

However, distractions were just around the corner. Actually they were right outside the door of my bar. They walked through that door and into the bar when Jesse started coming in again during the start of 1996. I had misjudged her persistence.

In many ways it was the same Jesse. She was still pretty and still intense. She was often bruised and shaken. Once again she wasn't doing well. As time went on she seemed to understand that _she_ had to do something to change her situation.

It was apparent to everyone that I really did like Jesse. When I say "everyone," I mean even her, especially her. And she continued to come into the bar and seemed charmed with me. There was a lot of flirtation on both sides of the bar. But I was not about to go any further than that. I kept seeing Tim in my bedroom. What a nightmare!

In April Jesse called me at the bar. She had some exciting news. With a bit of hesitation, I decided to listen to what she had to say.

"I moved out," she told me.

"You did?" I asked, not certain if I believed.

"I've got my own apartment," she said.

"Great for you!" I replied.

"I'm on my own," she said.

She told me how Tim was out of her life. I could tell she wanted to see me. She knew I wanted to see her. There was a lot between us at that point. She told me she wanted to go out. And so we went out the next Friday and Saturday, and I stayed at her place. For the first time that Saturday night we slept together. It was the week of my thirtieth birthday. It was a great birthday.

The next morning wasn't so great. When I went out to my car, Tim had come by some time during the night and left a note on my car. All of sudden Jesse is back on the phone with Tim. Wednesday I went on a golfing trip to Phoenix for the week. When I came back I wasn't interested in seeing Jesse. The whole situation reeked of emotional tumult, physical danger and potential heartbreak. I'm a pretty smart guy. I maintaiBen formidable GPA in my college course work. I understood percentages and statistics and from all the crap that had already been dealt to me in this relationship I knew it was definitely time to fold the cards.

I had also discovered some information about Jesse that, because I did really care for her, was disturbing. At first these were rumors but I later found out that they were true. I can't say if I ever really believed that Jesse and Tim were not sleeping together. It was too weird and too strange, but then again so was the rest of Jesse's turbulent life. Since I'd known her she continued to insist that she wasn't sleeping with anyone.

The week after I slept with her and traveled to Phoenix a regular customer came into my bar and asked one of the managers if I was still seeing "that crazy woman, Jesse." My manager said no, that it was all over.

The guy said, "Well that's good because she was just sleeping with my friend last week."

I wonder if it was his birthday too.

Jesse was a dental assistant. I had heard talk that she was sleeping with the dentist who employed her. I found out many years later that she was definitely having a fling with the good doctor. She claimed, however, that the "good" did not refer to his proficiency in the sack. According to Jesse she started the affair during her job interview with the good Doc and continued it for almost three years. Although she found his sexual performance to be totally inadequate the perks included four extra weeks of vacation, a higher than usual pay rate, and letting Jesse keep her job even though she never passed the State Boards as required by law.

Then there was Tim. Oh yeah, she was sleeping with him too. She had to be.

Maybe I doubted all this information, logical though it was, because we weren't having sex. I don't know. It's tough to say how your mind works when the heart is involved.

After I got back from Phoenix, I didn't hear from Jesse for over a month. Then in June I got a call. It was Jesse.

"I've got to talk with you," she informed me.

"Really?" I answered.

"Can you come over to my apartment?" she begged.

I decided to go. She sounded like she really did need to talk to me. I just didn't want a scene with anyone like Tim.

I was in no way prepared for the news she was about to give me. When I arrived at her apartment, Jesse looked very serious and worried. Then she talked.

She told me she was pregnant and expected me to support her and the baby. With those two revelations my entire life changed forever.

Chapter 2

Research and Test I Should Have Done

When Jesse first told me she was pregnant, she then went into a soliloquy saying she could no longer keep her job as a dental assistant because of the danger it posed to the unborn child. The X-rays, exposure to germs and other factors would compromise her pregnancy. She said she needed $500 a week from me to make up for the lost wages and to keep her on her feet.

I said, "Now wait a minute, how do I know the baby is mine?"

She insisted it was mine; that it had to be mine.

I told her if tests proved I was the father, that as the father I would provide for my child.

Of course I'm thinking, "I sleep with her once and now I'm a dad? That doesn't even happen in the movies! Unbelievable."

Did I want the child to be mine? No and yes. Having a child and being a father were the furthest things from my mind since we'd slept together on my birthday. First of all Jesse had told me she was on the pill. I believed her, like I did so with many other things. That was my fault; I should have taken precautions.

I had some information on other guys with whom she had recently slept. So I was curious as to how she decided that I was the father of the baby she was carrying. I mean there were at least three other candidates to the best of my knowledge.

It turns out that even though Jesse had been more charitable with sex than the Red Cross with Tsunami Relief Aid, there actually weren't three other likely choices in the Daddy Sweepstakes. I was the Grand Prize Winner, specially selected by Jesse. You see it turBen out that two of the guys had had vasectomies and the other was incapable of fathering a child. That's right everyone else was shooting blanks while I had a fully loaded pistol. I think Jesse was aware of all this. I would later conclude, it's the reason she decided to have sex with me. You see, for Jesse having a child made her powerful. In a bizarre manner, it was a way of controlling and using people, society and life.

I realized, first of all, that I should have done a background check on Jesse and her entire family. Information gathered on Jesse and her kin would have created a portrait of a life in which she was taught to live by manipulation, deceit and power plays. It started with her parents (it always does) and the patterns that became her life were reinforced by the existence her mother led. Even simply checking out Jesse's recent past would have given me plenty of reasons to run from her.

The latest items on her revolving bed resume included her fiery relationship with Tim and her fling with another fellow just before she and I slept together. I really should have figured the Tim situation out myself. I mean that was right in front of me. Then again, the iceberg the Titanic hit was right in front of it. It was too late for the ship's crew to steer around that disaster in the making, just like it became too late for me to duck out of the way of Jesse.

I suppose I did know what was going on to some degree. But I had a tendency to believe Jesse when she told me things had changed—when she said she was going to get away from Tim or when she explaiBen that it was all over with him. Sometimes there's just no explaining how a normally logical mind gets detoured by illogic and emotion. My other basic fault, if you want to call it that, is that I believe people are most often motivated to do and will usually do the right thing. This belief would later lead me into a series of disastrous encounters with the family court system in Minnesota. It is a court system driven much like Jesse herself: driven by money. It's not about the kids or being a good parent or about family in anyway.

In Minnesota the family court system is about a bureaucracy feeding itself by pigeonholing fathers and mothers with little concern or thought for the children. This is not always the case; there are pockets of people working against all odds to do what is best for the children of couples who are not together. However those people get burBen-out spinning their wheels in a systemically flawed and faulty state government mandated court operation. There will be much more on this subject in later chapters with horror stories of a court run amuck.

Jesse and I both had one very telling thing in common. We both came from "broken" homes. This is where the similarities between our families begin and end. The breakup of my parents was like something you might see on _The Brady Bunch_ whereas the dissolution of Jesse's mother's marriages (all four of them) was akin to a _Jerry Springer Best of/Worst of Special._

Although my dad and mom's marriage ended in separation and eventually divorce, they were always amicable. There weren't any big arguments or devious, underhanded plots. When my mom left in 1980 she took virtually nothing with her. I think she took, with dad's permission, a couch. My mom, Margaret, and my dad, Richard never used their kids against one another. The fact is my father waited sixteen years before he finalized the divorce.

When the judge suggested he take a thirty-day "cooling down period" to make sure he had made the correct choice, he answered, "Your Honor, today I lose a wife, but I gain a friend." The judge concluded no "cooling down period" was necessary.

My mom had already been through one marriage before she and my dad met and wed. My mother met and married her first husband when she was a young woman in North Dakota. At that time she was an up and coming country singer with a beautiful, soulful voice. Her first husband physically abused her. After having two girls and a boy she got out of that house of horrors. She later met my dad in North Dakota.

Mom's accompanist was the same piano player who performed with Lawrence Welk. My mother sang on a local radio show and when a country band heading back to Nashville heard her, they invited her to go with them to the city known for wailing guitars and the Grand Ol' Oprey. But mom chose dad over Nashville and kids over career. Lucky for us; Nashville's loss.

As kids we grew up in North Dakota and Minnesota. Eventually dad settled the family in the northern Minneapolis suburbs. My hometown became Coon Rapids, a middle-class town about twenty minutes from the metropolitan area. Although my mother didn't pursue singing professionally, she continued to croon. At times the entire family would sing with her at special events, such as the show held at the Minneapolis Auditorium for charity.

Mom worked at K-Mart and eventually retired from there. George McPhail had numerous careers. Initially he worked for UPS. After retiring early from there, he became a real estate agent. My dad loved moving from house to house, seeing new potential in each new home he bought. We lived in quite a few homes in the northern suburbs of Minneapolis. Dad's interest in real estate and business rubbed off on me and had its practical application during my military years and studying business then buying the bar.

After spending many successful and hectic years in real estate, dad decided to work for the US Postal Service where he eventually retired from.

My dad and mom always had strong work ethics, which they passed onto their kids. The other thing they both gave us was the idea that your children are important; that they are a parent's priLynne responsibility. These proved to be important life lessons that we would apply as adults and parents.

Growing up, our family consisted of three girls and two boys. We went to school in Coon Rapids. Because we had a lot of family in North Dakota we often spent summers there.

When my parents separated in 1980, I was sixteen years old and the youngest of the siblings. I'm not sure when mom and dad started having problems with their marriage, which means they did a good job keeping any disharmony they might have had away from us. The fact that we had a stable family until all of us were pretty much grown up illustrates my parents' priorities. I firmly believe the atmosphere of care and love they created subliminally influenced all of us in developing our priorities.

All three of my sisters, Bonnie, Carla, and Brenda have been married at least once. Bonnie, my oldest sister, left home when she was around sixteen. She married a man from an affluent family in California. Despite the fact that his family had money, her husband did not. He was a leech and had been disowBen by his family. Bonnie was being a rebel or maybe just wanted her independence by running off with him, not considering college, and just sort of putting herself out there to live. Eventually her leech of a husband was gone and that left Bonnie to care for her young daughter, Maggie.

Bonnie got remarried to a fellow named Greg. They moved to Missouri where she worked as a financial manager. She had a second girl, Leah. Greg got very ill and passed-on at a much-too-young age from complications associated with diabetes.

Bonnie persevered. Although she never finished college, she became very successful. She got a job as an office manager of the Minneapolis financial company. Working hard and learning as much as she could, she parlayed her experience, knowledge, and intellect into an upper level job at Merrill Lynch. At Merrill Lynch she displayed an unsurpassed work ethic that earBen her an executive position. Bonnie moved onto ING. She lives in Dayton Ohio and covers a five-state area for the company.

My sister Brenda has two children. Her husband found the love of his life, which he discovered was not my sister, and moved to Michigan to be with his newfound love. He worked for his love's dad but told my sister he could not make both the alimony and child support payments. He wanted to come and see the kids, he noted, but economically that was difficult too. He just wasn't making enough money. If he couldn't make his payments, it meant he wouldn't be allowed to see his kids.

At that time Brenda was working for me at the sports bar. She told me about the situation. I was concerBen. I thought it would be bad if the kids never saw their dad. So I made a deal with her—I would pay the alimony, leaving him only the child support payments. I did that and although he came to see his children occasionally, it wasn't very often or on a consistent schedule.

Then his perfect relationship with his new love ended and so too did his job. This made it even more difficult for him to see with his kids. My plan, well intentioBen—never really worked. Unfortunately, the kids don't have their dad in their lives. That's the role model they have—an absent father who doesn't make the effort to see them. What kind of lesson is that teaching them?

My brother John is not married. Years ago he was seeing a woman who got pregnant. However, they were no longer together and when he asked her about the baby, she told him it was not his. He believed her and he also believed her when she made is very clear that she did not want him in her life anymore. John, who now lives in Colorado, didn't think much more about it.

Then about 16 years later in the late 90s a young man named Shane starts coming into the bar asking about John McPhail. He says his mother was always badmouthing John, saying he was Shane's dad. Shane wanted to know the family and his dad. His mom's constant negativity about John had rubbed him the wrong way. He got to know his dad and the rest of the relatives, changed his name to McPhail, and has become a part of his long-lost family.

Finally, there is my sister Carla who has one child, owns two bars, and is also married for a second time to Larry. She works hard (what else is new?) and is very successful. She's got a fine business and parenting sense.

You pretty much know what I've done. As kids we were loved and raised to be honest, good citizens. We're in no way perfect, but I think, through example, we learBen how important it is to raise your kids in a nurturing, honest and secure environment.

On the other hand Jesse came from a very different family. Her mother has been married now for the fifth time, and as Jesse's sister says "my mom manipulated her way out of her four marriages." Now one daughter has bilked the government, another has continuously cheated on her husband and Jesse has done all of that and more. The fact is you are formed by what you have learBen, seen and experienced as a child. Jesse never had a stable family. Additionally, she observed her mother first-hand as she manipulated and used her children, the court system and her husbands to get everything she wanted.

Here are a few incidents that shaped Jesse's views and life. According to her when she was 12 one of her stepfathers sexually molested her. She was of course threateBen by him and told to not say a word. Eventually she did tell her mom about the abuse. Her mother turBen around and, instead of blaming her husband, blamed Jesse.

Okay, there's a few important lessons taught right there.

Lesson 1: Telling the truth can get you in trouble. When Jesse told her mother what happeBen, Jesse (and the truth) was the problem and not the abuser.

Lesson 2: People who do bad things, who break the law and who use people are not punished. They get away with things. Jesse's stepfather wasn't punished.

Lesson 3: Do anything to keep your meal ticket. If Lynne, Jesse's mom, had brought her husband to justice then that would have threateBen her financial survival. That was more important than the truth, her daughter's safety or the law.

When Jesse was a teenager she says her sister Kris found her mother in the shower with one of her seventeen year old boyfriends. Her mother was doing more with the young man than coming clean. Her mom blamed Kris I guess. Of course, Kris wasn't taking care of her boyfriend's needs so Lynne had to.

What message is being sent to a child by their parent when something like that happens? The child is learning that there are no boundaries to behavior; that you cannot trust the one person you should always be able to trust, and that sex is a tool you can use to control people and gain power. There are a lot of other wonderful life examples to be gleaBen from Lynne's inexcusable behavior, including how you can justify anything with the proper wrong-headed logic.

Throughout her life Jesse saw her mother marry men, discard them, and then collect large sums of money from them. She used this by abusing the truth and constantly using Jesse and her two sisters as pawns. This behavior repeated over and over again and again during their formative years certainly affected both sisters in their views on men, children, money and much more.

Throughout her life Jesse learBen that saying something is true basically made it true. If you deny something, then it didn't happen. If you claim something did occur, then it did. The fact was in Jesse's life the truth didn't matter; only your version of the events mattered, real or not.

In my eyes, this upbringing in no way excuses Jesse's behavior as an adult. The fact is many adults suffer through terrible childhoods and manage to rise above the events that helped define their lives. Jesse certainly had the deck stacked against her. While what happeBen to her as a child and teen helps explain her behavior, it in no way excuses it.

What type of life has Jesse led? It's the type of life where it's difficult to discern what the truth is versus what has actually happeBen. Here's a simple example. Remember, Jesse used to come into my bar all the time claiming that Tim beat her? She had clear evidence—the bruises on her arms.

I have never raised my hand to Jesse (or to any other woman). However, she has hit and shoved me and even attempted to strike me with a 15 pound twelve volt battery. I in no way even thought of striking back. Yet, she's charged that I have hit her. I never have. It is not in my makeup.

Sometimes I wonder—did the same thing happen between Jesse and Tim? Tim was not the most upstanding citizen in the world but it doesn't mean he ever hit her. My point is when someone starts inventing a majority of the incidents in their life, denying things that did happen, and become so good at lying that they actually convince themselves they're telling the truth, is there any way you can believe anything that they say?

A prime example of how Jesse works people and the system follows. Angie and Jesse worked at a local hardware store. Over the course of numerous months the two stole $10,000 from the store. Angie was the register supervisor and Jesse was a cashier. Jesse would ring purchases through and then Angie would void certain purchases and take the cash. It's a simple poncy scheme with the hardware store being the poncy. It can work if you don't get too greedy. They got way too greedy.

After getting caught, Angie pled guilty. Jesse pled not guilty and through her lawyer got the case delayed numerous times over a period of a couple years. Finally the court just threw out the charges because Jesse managed to drag the process out forever.

The list of schemes, lies and manipulations is endless. When you read about them please remember they are documented incidents, though we have changed the names.

The most important question for me when I became a father was what are my kids learning from their mom? Did you notice I said, "Kids?" That's right; Jesse and I had twin boys—Wyatt and Kolton.

From the moment they were born they were the dearest and most important people in my life. They became my priority, though primarily from a distance imposed by Jesse. While also Jesse's priority, they were such for a very different reason. She would use them to get money, cars, house payments, rent, and more from me. Jesse had learBen her lessons well from her mom. Due to the way the family court system in Minnesota is set up, she had custody of my two boys because she is the mother. In Minnesota the mother has the kids and therefore the power.

Jesse knew how to use and wield her power. That had been her life-long lesson from her mom. Jesse also knew that I was passionate about my belief that my two boys needed their dad. No matter what, I wanted to be there for them. Evidenced by the fact despite Jesse's claim she had to sue me in Anoka County Court to get child support it was actually I who made the first contact with the county to establish paternity, child support and visitation. I even scheduled and paid for the paternity testing prior to the county starting all required the paperwork.

However, being there for my children meant that I would have to give up more than I ever dreamed. Why? Jesse would make me pay in every way she could.

Were there tests I should have done? Maybe I should have had my head examiBen? But when you see your child, or in my case children, you know they need your guidance, love, and support. Nothing else really matters!

I wanted to be the best dad I could be and as my father once said to me, "You don't have to be married to be a good father."

I believe I may embody that statement.

Chapter 3

Kids and Fatherhood

Let me back up for a few minutes to offer more of a perspective on the situation. After Jesse told me she was pregnant and needed money, I didn't hear from her for about two months. In August she called and asked me to meet her outside the dental clinic. I figured it was about money, and I figured right. Though not surprised by that, Jesse didn't disappoint me about this only being about money.

When I arrived she immediately started talking cash. Of course it was in relationship to the safety of the baby. Then she pulled out some pictures and when she showed them to me she revealed that she was carrying twins. Yes, two for the price of one. There they were captured for the first time by ultrasound. It was a heady experience to think they might be mine. They were hands, fingers, feet, toes. Two heads—could they be mine? They could be. For a moment, I thought I was in a dream. It was a sublime moment looking at these two perfect children and considering the possibilities.

But Jesse pulled me back to reality by saying, "The doctor told me, I can't work. I've got to get off me feet."

My dream bubble popped and I said the same thing I'd said in June, "Jess, I'm sorry; but if there's a paternity test and they're mine, then we can discuss it."

Jesse disappeared again and I heard only silence once again for months. Of course there are times I wondered if they were my kids? At other times I would realize that Jesse may have told a whole lot of guys that they were the father. How many $500 checks is she collecting? Then in October 1996, when Jesse was in her sixth month, she called me again. It was the same litany.

"The doctor told me I can't work," she claimed, "I've got to get off my feet. I can't make it. I need money."

I said, again, "If they are mine, we can discuss it."

Once again I heard nothing from Jesse. Then in January I was told that the twin boys had been born on January 8, 1997. Tim's brother and his brother's girlfriend, who often drank at my bar, came with news about the boys, saying that they looked just like me. My sister, Brenda, then went to visit the twins---Wyatt and Kolton. She too confirmed that there was a resemblance.

I wasn't sure what to think. On one hand various people, including my sister who I totally trusted, were informing me that the babies looked like me. On the other hand people can get oogly-googly with babies and think they see something that's not there. I wanted to be sure. I didn't want to get attached and then find out that I wasn't their father. That wouldn't be fair to anyone.

I've known men who were told that they were the father and truly thought they were. They wanted to be the dad. Later, some of those guys discovered that it wasn't case. I could see that it hurt and caused confusion. I had already been through a lot with Jesse. I didn't want to be dragged through a false paternity drama.

Then there was the question: what if I started to support Jesse and the boys and later it was determiBen that I was not the father? What would happen then? There were plenty of cases in Minnesota where this had occurred. The result was the man who was not the dad was ordered by the court to continue to pay child support.

So with all of this logic backing me up, what did I do? I started giving Jesse money to help with the kids before any paternity test had been done. Maybe I had a sense that they were mine. You know, that it was fate and just a matter of time before we all knew the truth. In my heart I already knew what the truth was.

I think the fact that my parents didn't separate until I was fifteen or sixteen had a big impact on me. I remember thinking at times "what if I didn't have a dad?" That probably would have been very tough to deal with. I also had seen what my sister, Brenda, went through when she and her husband separated. Both of her children, her son especially, had a lot of trouble with the fact that their dad not only wasn't around, but he also didn't really make an effort to be there.

When kids come into this world, they deserve to have as positive a situation as they can. Kids are innocent. I didn't think a lot about this until I saw the possibility and then the probability that I was going to be a father. Then I started to understand something I knew inside all the time. That when I did have kids, no matter what the circumstances, I was going to be an important part of their lives just like my dad was in mine.

I wanted to be there for them and give them things. But under the circumstances I found myself in, I was going to have to deal with a system stacking the deck against me. So many guys have ditched and run from their responsibility as parents, the name Dead Beat Dad has become a stereotype.

That Dead Beat Dad: what'd he do? Well here's a few common observations made about the Dead Beat Dad. He ran off with his girlfriend, or has a drug or alcohol problem, or he's got a lot of money and living it up while mom and the kids suffer. Or maybe he's a guy who's a "Player" and has spread his seed and given rise to countless kids by multiple mothers. He is a guy who hates kids and beats women. He doesn't give a damn about anyone but himself. These are the most common notions about Dead Beat Dads.

I'm not saying these men don't exist. They're all too plentiful. There are many, many guys who don't get it. Who doesn't try to be there for their little ones? Who, somehow, don't realize how important they are. Unfortunately, there are many.

They need to live up to their responsibility and, when laws have been broken, they need to be punished. But all those types of Dead Beat Dads that I just mentioBen, are exactly what everyone thinks of when the father's not around. The father is not in his kids' lives therefore he's got to be a Dead Beat Dad.

What many don't realize is there is another type of father who is not in his children's lives. He is the guy who wants to be around and who desperately tries to be, but finally gives up because the court system is prejudice against him. It's a court that's constantly ruling against him regardless of the evidence and always gives the mother the benefit of the doubt even if she is a deficient mother or derelict in her duties.

There are many fathers, like myself, whose love is held hostage by mothers seeking money and nothing else. These are mothers who will manipulate visitation and custody to get more income. These moms use their children as pawns in one of the most heartless games of chess you'll ever see, because this chess match pits father against kids. Sometimes bitter dads walk away. I didn't walk away when my boys arrived, and I still haven't given up in my quest to be a positive force in the lives of my kids.

Just after Jesse gave birth to Wyatt and Kolton, Brenda, my sister established a relationship with my sons. She continued seeing the boys while I stayed in the background. It was through Brenda that I started to give Jesse $350 checks weekly for the kids. Although I wanted to be with my kids, I couldn't be around Jesse. That meant I couldn't be around my kids.

The problem was one of safety. After she gave birth, Jesse went back with Tim. You remember Tim, the man that supposedly beat her and ruiBen her life that she was so happy to get away from.

Tim was the guy who broke into my house at 3 AM. He was the one who wrote all over my car and threateBen me when he found out Jesse and I had been together. Tim had guns. Tim had a temper. Tim, to me, seemed kind of unpredictable. His track record and his dislike of me made it difficult for me to feel comfortable being around Jesse.

Of course the question in my mind was why would Jesse go back to Tim? In the past she said he beat her, threw five guns down on the bed and told her to pick the one she wanted to die with. Tim promised to kill her, and constantly belittled her. Sure, I'd go back to Tim if I was her. Wouldn't you? Especially when you have a couple of babies! Tim doesn't really sound just like the sort of guy you want around two infants.

This attraction she had for him will always baffle me, but if you look at specifics, it all makes sense. Tim had ways of making money and Jesse was definitely drawn to that aspect of just about any man. Abusive relationships seemed to be a part of her upbringing, which meant they were virtually normal to her. Also, having numerous guys and using them was something she certainly saw her mother do. She was one of her mother's pawns just as my sons would be pawns for Jesse. I guess the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

Brenda had been seeing my sons quite a bit. My sister has a heart of gold; she is the kindest person I know and she loves children. By this time I had paid for and gone through the paternity test. Although it hadn't come back yet, I wanted to make sure that everything was set if Kolton and Wyatt were mine.

With this in mind, I decided to go to the County Child Support Office to formally establish support for my kids. Coon Rapids is located in Anoka County. I met with Cathy, a County employee, and told her I'd decided to initiate the action to begin formally paying child support if it was determiBen the boys were mine. Cathy suggested that I save twenty dollars and have Jesse start the action. Twenty dollars wasn't a whole lot to me, besides I made the effort to start the official process and felt I should follow through. Despite Cathy's continued insistence that I should let Jesse fill out the forms, I stuck to my guns.

I told Cathy, "Whatever I'm supposed to be doing, I want to be doing it. I want everything ready to go."

She seemed to understand my feelings and so I filled out the papers, paid the twenty dollars, and left. Cathy called Jesse after I left and had her come in and fill out the paperwork the very same day. The reason for this is a perfect example of the money hungry system. When the County starts the bureaucratic slaughter of the thousands of trees that are needed to sustain the endless paper trail related to children and parents, they are compensated for acting first. That's right, Cathy didn't want to save me two sawbucks; she wanted to make sure her department got credit and money for making things happen. (And I ask you, in what way does this benefit mine or anybody else's children?)

You see if the county files the paperwork in court it becomes The State of Minnesota, County of Anoka and Jesse Jacobson Vs Donald McPhail, rather than The State of Minnesota, County of Anoka Vs Jesse Jacobson and Donald McPhail. In the latter case, I look like a good citizen, while in the former situation I appear to be a Dead Beat Dad who the county had to track down. You've got to understand that the county is vying for Federal Incentive Dollars, which are based on the way support obligations are initiated and collected. If it looks like a county worker hunted me down and started litigation, it means their department receives a larger incentive payment.

What's that old joke? When someone says, "I'm from the government and I'm here to help you," then you need to run for the hills. On paper awarding Federal Incentive Dollars to local governments for tracking down negligent fathers looks like a good idea. The spirit of the law is about protecting children and insuring that fathers meet their monetary obligations. But then people in the system learn to manipulate the law and suddenly you have the tail wagging the dog! The system is no longer about the welfare of kids. It's about bringing more money into the system by setting up the ultimate bad guy—the Dead Beat Dad.

It was August 1997 that I went to court with my lawyer at that time, R. Barnes. Jesse was there with her court appointed and paid for lawyer. We were there to formalize child support and, at my request, to establish a visitation schedule. In the hearing it was acknowledged that Brenda had been seeing the boys virtually since they were born and now had a good relationship with them. The court decided that after a few more meetings between Brenda and the boys that she could bring them to my house, giving the boys and me the opportunity to start to get to know one another.

The court also granted Jesse a temporary support order of $867 a month. That's correct-- $867 a month. This was $533 less a month than I had been paying Jesse on my own. You see prior to going to court I had offered to pay Jesse $350 a week or what amounted to $1,400 per month for 18 more months. I figured that would give her some time to be with the boys, find some part-time employment and create a stable environment for all of them. After 18 months, she would receive $1,000 each month and I would put the other $400 in an account for the boys. I thought we could handle everything without going through all the hoops and tricks demanded by the beast of a legal system that defines the Minnesota courts.

"No, no, no," she said, "my lawyer said I don't have to take any less than you're giving me now."

It was unfortunate for her that she found my offer to be less than generous and that she believed the court would be much more charitable. Jesse didn't mind confrontation. Creating ugly scenes and winning at any price was a family tradition amongst the Jacobson women of her family. So she was armed for battle when she went to court. Jesse even denied that I had paid her anything up to that point. She thought by telling that lie she could garner more child support. However, I was able to produce the checks I had written and she had cashed. This was a very bad miscalculation for Jesse.

Needless to say the mother of my two boys was none to happy after she left the county courthouse that day. In less time than it takes to write a check for $533, she has lost $533. Her solution was to use the boys to hurt me.

Brenda called Jesse, as the court had ordered. Jesse never picked up the phone. Brenda left messages. No calls were returBen. I tried to contact her to no avail. There was no answer. If she wasn't going to get the money she thought she deserved, than surely she wasn't going to let me see my kids. That was her power. Even though Brenda continued to call again and again and again, Jesse would not respond.

We were about to head back to court when Jesse's lawyer called Lee and said that, "Ms. Chapman (Brenda) has never called to set up visitation and your client expects to have visitation rights?" The day of the hearing Brenda Chapman, my sister shows up in court to verify that she called Jesse so many times that she lost count. She also verified that Jesse never called back.

When Jesse saw Brenda her entire story changed. It's funny but when Jesse gets caught in a lie—I mean in an absolutely boldfaced falsehood—she starts throwing out as many stories and excuses and defenses as she can muster. It was like her brain started to boil and all sorts of fabrications start steaming from her mouth.

The court decided we should go to Parenting Services and attend parenting classes desigBen to help us mediate our issues. We both agreed to do that. Just before we were scheduled to attend the classes Jesse called me. She said she thought we didn't need the parenting sessions and that we could work things out ourselves.

She made a convincing argument by noting that we could use the time much better and save the money for more important things. Jesse assured me that all I had to do was call her and I could see the boys whenever I wanted. According to her, we had it all worked out so it didn't make sense to go through all of the sessions.

I agreed and told her I'd call Parenting Services and let them know. The classes were something we agreed to do, and we still had appointment with the county so they needed to be informed. I contacted Adult Parenting Services and left a message explaining that Jesse and I had decided that we could work things out ourselves and we no longer needed the mediation appointments. I was told that that was fine.

Then shortly thereafter I received a letter from Anoka County Services notifying me that Ms. Jacobson had shown up for the parenting session but that I had not. It did confirm that she said we agreed that we did not need the services. This, of course, was true. But by going to the session at the appointed time and canceling it, Jesse cleverly set up a paper trail that confirmed she was present for and I was absent from the first scheduled session.

In the future when she wanted something from me, she would bring up the fact that it was documented that "I never showed up for the parenting session" and that meant no judge would ever grant me visitation rights. This was the way she operated. My problem was I had a commitment to my sons. The commitment was more than just providing for them monetarily. It had to do with loving, guiding and protecting them. But how could I do that if she refused to let me see them?

Then one day Jesse relented. She told me she would bring the boys over to see me. They were nine months old.

I thought, "Great, I can actually have some time with them!"

Everything was set up and the visit was scheduled. This was my dream: my boys, Kolton and Wyatt with me. It was going to be just them and me. Jesse dropped them off and left. Little did I know what to expect next.

They were extremely attached to her. Hell, she breast fed them for 3 years. When she left, all they did was scream. When you think about it, this made sense. She was breastfeeding and she was also the only parent they either of them knew. Even though I was their dad, they'd spent basically no time with me and I'd never been alone with them. I will tell you this, there is nothing like thinking you're Mr. Rodgers only to find out you're viewed as Count Oloff! I called Jesse and asked her to pick them up early.

After that fiasco, I had an idea. I thought it might be a way to fix a few problems. Jesse was no longer with Tim. (Yes, once again they had parted ways.) She had called me complaining about having to stay with her mom. They weren't getting along— no news flash there—and with the kids tensions were even higher than usual.

Calling her, I said, "Why don't you and the boys come and live with me? I have a big house, so there's plenty of privacy for you. I can get to know the boys and you'll get a break from your mother."

The next day I got a message from her. She no longer needed my help. She had found a place. Coincidentally, she decided to live in a cabin a few doors down from Tim. That was in October 1997.

One of the many problems with this new situation was that Tim lived in Clear Lake, Minnesota. That was a good sixty miles north of Coon Rapids. Another problem was Tim's lifestyle. Up there in Clear Lake he had a house, a cabin and a garage for his truck. Besides his truck, according to "Jesse" Tim also kept the drugs he sold in the garage. Yep, this gun toting, violent, jealous, alleged maniac sold drugs. The other problem was a basic lack of communication for me to be able to speak with Jesse or my boys. In Clear Lake, Jesse did not have a phone.

The next time I saw Kolton and Wyatt was Christmas. Brenda and I went over to Jesse's mother's house. It was wonderful and sad to see them. For most people Christmas brings back a lot of memories and rekindles deep feelings. Some are good while some are bad. I knew after that Christmas there was one feeling I didn't want to have again. That was hopelessness.

Why hopelessness? Christmas is about hope but I had very little hope of getting to know my children, of making a better life for them, of insuring they'd be loved by their dad. My sons were almost a year old and I had missed most of those 365 days. I felt beaten.

Over the next year I tried to work things out with Jesse. But with my business, the physical distance between us and the fact that she still had no phone, it was a hopeless situation. As Christmas approached again, I didn't want to have that same desperate and desolate feeling.

I decided I'd put my best foot forward. Maybe if I set things up to make communicating and life easier for her, she'd make an effort to follow through on letting me spend time with my kids.

In December I bought a phone for Jesse and set up service for her in Clear Lake. Brenda drove north and delivered the phone. I agreed to pay for the whole thing, including the phone bills. December, January, February—I was calling her but she never answered and she never returBen my calls. But there were the phone bills. Six hundred dollars a month of massive phone bills, but virtually less than a dollar's worth of rings to me.

Then in March Jesse finally called me. This would have made my day, until it became clear why. She needed a car. Her vehicle was DOA and she didn't have the money to buy another one. Of course there was no way she get the boys to the doctor or go grocery shopping or do all those other important things mothers have to do if she didn't have a car.

I bought her a blue Dodge sedan that had rolled about 50,000 miles down the road. I forget the model, but it was only four years old, in great shape and loaded. Of course when I delivered the car, I got to see Wyatt and Kolton while they saw that their dad was helping them out with a new car.

The next month Jesse called me with another problem. There was something wrong with the car. She wanted to know if I could take care of it. Why not? I picked up the car and drove it to the dealer. Just as I was about to turn into the lot a kid in a Ford Mustang raced down the breakdown lane and totaled Jesse's car. I had a concussion, cracked hip and was pretty shaken up. It was like the whole vehicle just wrapped around me.

My insurance paid for a loaner that was great because it meant Jesse and the boys were still mobile. It turBen out that I was in touch with her and with them more often. Slowly, my plan seemed to be working. During the time that she had the rental car, Jesse was driving back and forth to Michigan on the weekends to be with her sister, Kris. So I thought.

She'd had the loaner a month when I'd secured a new car for her. She called me a few days before I was supposed to get the rental back. Jesse asked if she could keep the vehicle one more week. She wanted to take the kids to her sister's where they were having a special spring festival with sleigh rides and games, the whole nine yards. The thirty-day free rental period was up, so I was going to have to pay for the extra week. I figured the boys would have a lot of fun so I told her to go for it. She did to say the least.

After she came back from the trip to her "sister's," Jesse called me and said, "We have to talk."

"Okay," I said, "What do we have to talk about? What is it?"

She then proceeded to inform me that she was getting married to this guy named Charlie and moving to Antigo, Wisconsin.

"Excuse me? What did I just hear?" I stated in confusion.

"Jesse," I said, "you can't just move out of state with the boys."

"Oh, no," she started talking loudly, "my lawyer says I can take the kids out of the state and you can't do anything about it!"

"I don't think so..." was all I could muster.

And then she cuts me off with, "And what do you care? You didn't even care enough to show up for the parenting meeting!"

I'm thinking to myself that I've got a new spin to an old joke. What's the difference between Jesse and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist.

I called my lawyer and he informed me that I could fight it, but if she claimed she's in love they would probably let her go. He said what the court would do is deduct any travel expenses I'd have to pay in going to visit my kids. They'd take that right off the top of the child support payment.

I didn't fight it. I didn't want my kids to lose that money. But I told her that she was going to have to bring the kids to Coon Rapids to see me. I let her take my Dodge Ram truck and told her I would pay for the gas as well as the vehicle as long as she would drive the kids back and forth so I could see the boys.

She went off with Charlie. The first time I met Charlie she was driving his car and he was sitting in the passenger seat. I was dropping off the Dodge Ram. Charlie had a shaved head. Jesse has a "thing" for guys with shaved heads. He also looked older.

When Jesse came over to get the keys I asked, "Is that your grandpa?"

She looked at me and said, "That's Charlie!"

"Geeze," I said, "he looks kind of old. I thought it was your Grandpa!"

She didn't appreciate the joke. I did quite a bit actually.

In May Jesse moved into his house in Antigo Wisconsin. By June Jesse was calling me a lot with some very strange stories. She claimed that Charlie was beating her, that he was forcing her to have sex in front of the boys, he was stealing her child support money and that he was a drug addict.

During the second to the last call Jesse was very worried and upset. She said she'd been cited for child neglect when the Antigo police found the two boys running around naked outside the house. (Looking back much later I realized that's when I should have gotten my sons. The neglect citation would have given me custody.)

Then just before July 4, 1999 at 1 am my phone rang. It was Jesse. She'd locked herself in the bathroom, Charlie had beaten her up and she wanted out. I got the name of a hotel in Antigo, called it and booked her a room. She got to the hotel with the boys and I drove through the night to meet her. There was a lot in my head during that three-and-a-half hour drive. Most of it was about the safety of my kids. But Jesse's safety was of concern also. Along with firmly believing Kolton and Wyatt needed their dad, I also believed they needed their mother.

The next morning I took Jesse to the police station and she filed a report. Was her report about Charlie's abuse the truth? There is no way to really know. At the time I thought it was.

After the police station, I took her and the boys back to the house so they could get their stuff. Jesse was about to pocket a huge wedding ring when I stopped her.

"What're you doing?" I asked.

"He was giving me this for the wedding!" she exclaimed.

"You can't take that now, you're not getting married," I retorted assertively.

"But he owes me money," she said.

"How much? A couple of hundred dollars?" I asked.

"A thousand," she claimed.

"Look," I said, "that ring's huge and it was his mother's. It's worth a lot more than he owes you."

I'm glad to say I convinced her to leave it.

Everyone knows Jesse likes money. When she met Charlie, Jesse understood that he had inherited $400,000 and owBen a potato farm. Charlie had a house directly in town. For a farmer in a town the size of Antigo (population is about 8,500) it's not unusual for someone to own a farm but to live in the town. In the morning a farmer would go out and work, and in the evening he'd come back home. That was exactly what Charlie did.

The fact was Jesse found out after she got to Antigo that Charlie did not inherit $400,000, he had inherited $40,000 and he did not own a potato farm, he only worked on one and was making a whopping –Jesse- deflating $8.50 and hour. Perhaps that was the "beating" he gave her. I strongly question if that is why she had to get out of there.

I had no idea. All I knew was that I had my two boys and their mom back in Coon Rapids. I was hoping to provide some stability for them.

Chapter 4

Head, Heart and Soul

I believe that sometimes it's better for a mom and dad to be together for the kids but to in essence lead their separate lives. Together you can create a home for your children and deal with your problems and issues in an attempt to insure your children have a stable home.

After I brought Jesse back to Coon Rapids, she moved in with her mother and I started to see the boys more. The more I saw Kolton and Wyatt the more I also saw Jesse. We started to build a relationship. This happeBen naturally, but my effort to connect with her was certainly partly dictated by my fear that Jesse might leave with the twins again. I wanted to be their dad on so many levels.

I loved being with them. All kids are just great but when they are yours they are extra great. The boys were two-and-a-half and at that age so much is happening. A two-and-a-half year-old possesses this amazing ability to analyze their world and create connections in an attempt to order their own personal universe. What can be better than that?

Ultimately, I was anxious about their safety. Jesse's choice of soul mates was far from stellar. I didn't think she could stop gun toting, break-in-and-entry Tim. But with Charlie she may have. Neither appeared to be very appealing role models and as a father who wanted and had struggled to be there for his children, both Tim and Charlie seemed to be the type who would think that the phrase "throw the baby out with the bathwater" was a useful hint in the latest parenting book.

I did not want her running up to the cold north or to rural Wisconsin. However, after a few weeks of Jesse living with her mom and constantly complaining to me about the situation, I felt she might flee again. There was the usual litany of wretched despair pouring from the mother of my children's lips.

"My mother's charging me rent," she cried.

"My mother's making me buy groceries," she moaBen.

"My mother and I aren't getting along," she complaiBen.

It was clear that Jesse did not want to be at her mom's house. On August 29, 1999, I anteed up the $750 deposit and another $750 for the first month's rent on a twin home (a duplex) for Jesse and the kids. I was there all the time. Privacy helped promote intimacy for my kids and me. I also started to think that maybe Jesse and I could develop a positive relationship. I had to rethink that idea many times though.

A classic example of what our relationship was like involved my decision to set Jesse up with a phone. It also served as an object lesson in futility. I provided Jesse and the kids with whatever they needed. One necessity was a phone.

After the phone was turBen on my first encounter with it stunBen me. I'd gone over to the house and was playing with the boys when I decided to check in with the bar. When I picked up the phone I couldn't believe my eyes.

The first number on the caller ID was Charlie's. You know, "Grandpa" from Antigo, Wisconsin, who Jesse accused of "beating, threatening and essentially raping" her. Charlie—I rescued Jesse from his house and potato farm by driving through the night to Michigan. Yeah, that's right Grandpa Charlie.

The second number on her caller ID was Tim's. That's correct! Tim was the guy who she had accused of also "beating and threatening to kill her" her. Tim the drug dealer. Amazing!

I didn't even know her number yet! The irony of it all made me sick.

I asked Jesse directly, "Why do these guys have this phone number when I'm paying for it?" She looked at me. I added, "You're not going to have the phone number of the guy who supposedly did all these things to you on your caller ID are you. What's he calling you for?"

"Well, you know..." she started to say.

"And how'd he get the number?" I demanded.

"He got it some how..." she said.

"It's unlisted!" I reminded her. "I don't even have it yet, so how did he get it?"

Jesse concocted as many lame stories as she could in a five-minute period. Comedian Jon Lovitz used to play this character Tommy "The Liar" Flannigan on Saturday Night Live. Remember every time he came up with a whopper he'd punctuate the lie with, "Yeah, that's the ticket." Next to Jesse he was an amateur.

Charlie also sent her a lot of letters among other things too. He sent her flowers. He sent her copies of his paychecks to show her that he was making more money. He included notes on checks. Pithy and wise sayings like "We can make it."

The most peculiar envelope she received from Grandpa Charlie of Antigo, Wisconsin, contaiBen two photos of Jesse's almost-husband-to-be. There was one picture of Charlie masturbating. There was another of Charlie with a big, purple dildo up his butt. Now I'm no Ansel Adams but I'd say these were not aesthetically pleasing.

Since she had come back, Jesse was driving my Lexus and I started using my truck again. The vehicle swap worked fine. Off and on, Jesse kept going up to Michigan in the Lexus to visit her sister Kris. I was concerBen about the trips and what she might be doing, but I also had my boys to temper my apprehension.

By November I'd seen my sons for 5 months straight and although I was contemplating breaking up with Jesse, the prospect that such an action might result in her bolting with the boys again gave me pause. Still, Charlie's barrage of "love" mail coupled with Jesse's reluctance to do anything about it all thrown together with her continued trips to the north started to really grate at me.

We were also arguing a lot, which I believe is one of the worst things that kids can experience. Talk about tension and apprehension!

So on the last Sunday in November, after Jesse and I had yet another argument, I went out to meet a friend at TGI Fridays. It's good to bounce things off people you can trust to tell you exactly what they think. My feelings were confirmed; I was in a bad relationship (an understatement) and I really needed to end it.

I called her from the TGI Fridays and I laid it all out as clearly as I could.

"Jesse," I explaiBen, "this just isn't working out. You've got a lot of issues. There were just too many for me to deal with. They're things you have to deal with. I can't handle ex-boyfriends, and all these letters, and the phone calls. Enough's enough. We need to stop seeing each other."

Well, I thought I had said good-bye. However, three days later when I came over to see Kolton and Wyatt, Jesse wanted to talk.

In her sweetest voice she said, "Let's try to work this out." It was followed be "let's" this and "let's" that, as she tried to hug and snuggle with me.

But I wasn't giving in. I was to the point and very clear.

"Jesse, I have rules when I see people. One of them is there's no outsiders. I don't play that game. It's not going to work this way," I firmly concluded.

"Oh, I know. I promise you it's all changed," she assured me.

Twenty minutes later, maybe less, she looks at me and says with a straight face, "I hope you don't mind but I'm going to go to Michigan this weekend."

I said, "Jesse, what do you mean you're going to Michigan. How are you going to get to Michigan?"

"In the Lexus," she replied.

I looked at her, saying, "No, you are not taking my Lexus to Michigan this weekend. They probably have a foot of snow. That's no place to be driving a $60,000 rear wheel drive car. You'll probably end up in a snow bank."

Then she started channeling Sara Bernhardt and Bette Davis simultaneously.

"Oh!" she cried out, "I never get to do anything by myself! They've got sleigh rides for the boys! I want to see my sister!"

I just can't imagine anyone being able to turn up the faux emotion anymore.

Well she could. She started hitting me and pushing me down the stairs. She was going for the title of "Diva" with this one. I left. I really needed to get out of there.

On Thursday, the next day, after emotions had returBen to normal, or as normal as they ever are with her, I went to the house and presented Jesse with a proposal. Since she really wanted to visit Kris and give Kolton and Wyatt a treat, I told her that I would pay for a rental and she could drive that to Michigan. She liked that idea a lot.

That afternoon we went to Toys R Us and I bought the boys a motorized Jeep. It's the kind that runs on a big battery. Big toy stores carry about 12 different models of these types of kid vehicles. Kolton and Wyatt were psyched about the new wheels. Of course it needed to be assembled.

The next day I dropped Jesse and the boys off at the rental office and told her I'd take some time, head over to her place and put together the Jeep. I figured it'd be a neat treat for the twins to come back home to a motorized four-wheeler ready for action.

Since it seemed like Jesse and I were about to split, I had not spent much time that week at the duplex. I still had the peace and quiet of my condo, and I chose to enjoy it. While I was putting the Jeep together, Jesse's phone rang. I answered it.

"Hello?" I answered.

A deep voice on the other end, definitely belonging to a man and not a woman with adenoid problems, asked, "Is Jesse there?"

"No," I answered, "She's on her way to Michigan right now."

"Okay, thanks," he hung up.

The caller ID read, "Dave Kimble." The area code was located in Wisconsin, just over the Michigan border.

I really didn't think anything about it. I had a lot to do, including putting together a Jeep that had instructions written by someone whose third language was English. Then I had to get to the bar where weekends are crazier than the last night of Mardi Gras.

On Sunday, I gave Jesse a call to find out when they were heading back. She wanted one more day with her sister. I said that was fine and that I'd see her and the kids on Monday.

On Monday, the next day, while I was at Jesse's place the phone rang again. Looking at the caller ID, I saw it said, "Dave Kimble" again.

"Hello?" I answered once again.

"Is Jesse there?" The deep voice at the other end asked.

"No," I answered. "She's on her way back from Michigan. She'll be here later."

"Oh, okay," he said. "Can you have her call Dave Kimble?"

"Sure, no problem. I'll have her call you," I replied.

He hung up.

Later that day when she arrived home, I informed her that a guy named Dave Kimble called. She seemed pretty disinterested in the news. I helped unpack the car and helped Wyatt and Kolton figure out how to drive their new vehicle.

While I was there Dave Kimble called again. "Persistent deep-voiced guy," I thought. I figured it'd be good to get some answers about the latest mystery man.

"So what's the deal, Jess?" I inquired.

She looked at me like I was asking her to explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity.

"Did you get me," I continued, "to rent you a car so you could go to Michigan or so you could see Dave Kimble?"

"Oh, no, no," she stammered in only the way she could, "he's just this guy Kris knows. I just met him. I met him through Kris while I was in Michigan. It was just this weekend."

"Oh really?" I asked.

There was one of those big dramatic pauses where time seems to stop and the person who's about to be caught in a lie wishes that life was a video tape that they could rewind, edit then start again. I cut through the silence and finished my revelation.

"If you just met him this weekend, then how did he call you before you left Coon Rapids?"

A longer pause occurred. About the length of time it took the Titanic to go down.

"Oh, no, no, no," she blurts out, "what happeBen was on Tuesday night... last Tuesday...I was talking to Kris on the phone. She called me from work. He was at her work and she threw him on the phone with me and I talked to him."

A person who was born yesterday wouldn't buy the crap she was shoveling.

I knew she had screwed the guy. But she simply denied it over and over again and again. I found out she had been with the guy.

Jesse's story was, "Oh, no, I only went over to his place to use the phone." Oh yeah, that's right! She needed to leave the place where her sister called her from on Tuesday so she could use the phone. The phone at Kris' work must have been broke. Sure!!

So there it was. I'd rented her a car so she could go and have sex with Dave Kimble. It wasn't about seeing her sister. It wasn't about taking the boys to a winter festival. It was about her getting down and dirty in another guy's bed or with Jesse it could have been a pool table, the back seat of my truck, on the roof of the Coon Rapids Hardees with her manager, the back stock room with the manager at Menards or in the dental chair with the dentist during lunch breaks. Just think, this gave a new meaning to the phrase "I got flossed at the dentist." It turns out the time, place or with whom was never important for Jesse when it came to sex. It was power for her. Jesse used that little thing between her legs like a Picasso did his brush. She used it with precision to work her way through life's financial obstacles. She was well on her way to sleeping her way to the top.

I informed Jesse that I was no longer interested in seeing her. I couldn't be with someone as sneaky and dishonest as she was. She was also going to have to find herself some new transportation; the days of free wheels were over.

"You were going to take my Lexus over there to screw some other guy? What kind of person are you? And to top it off, you let me rent you a car so you can sleep with this guy!"

I looked at her. All I could think of was all the garbage and crap and muck she shoveled on me repeatedly.

"You're sick," I said. "Do you know how sick you are?"

I had it. That was it. I was out of there.

Good riddance, right?

Yes and no. The next six months were tough. Once again it became impossible for me to see my kids. In my head, through pure thought and basic intellectual ability, I knew that a relationship with Jesse was nothing short of crazy.

But my heart was tied to my two boys. She had them. She controlled them. She knew how tightly linked to them I had become. It's pretty tough to win a hand in poker if the other person knows exactly what you're holding. I was holding the love for Kolton and Wyatt.

Tell someone what the dearest thing in your life is and you have given that person invaluable knowledge. Let them control the dearest thing and you have given them absolute power. And if that "thing" is not a "thing" but a person, or two people, well, you're pretty much beaten.

The thing was my two boys were a part of my soul. I didn't need a DNA test. Not really. I was tied to them the instant I saw them. Before I ever knew for sure, I knew they were mine.

Ooogly-googly? Let's call it father's intuition. Maybe that DNA that makes up every part of us has some sort of sensor beam connected to a parent's sixth sense.

That's quite a battle you know. When your head, heart and soul collide and then come into conflict. When following your head means your heart is broken and your soul feels empty. Then on the other hand, if you follow your heart your head's screaming at you. It's calling you a stupid idiot, a spineless coward afraid of the hard road.

A rock and a hard place look easy when kids are involved and they're yours. Oh, yeah, and you love them.

One month goes by. Then another four weeks. Then another thirty days. That followed by another 720 hours. That extrapolates into 43,200 minutes.

But, hey, who's counting? I was.

Then my heart rendezvoused with my soul. My head had been through six long months of mostly sabotaged attempts to be with Kolton and Wyatt; I wanted to be a part of their lives. My life was empty without them.

Okay Jesse, I thought, let's try this one more time.

Chapter 5

Jesse the "Team" Player

It was April 2000, that I started to get back together with Jesse, which meant I also saw more of the twins. They were three years and three months old. That meant I'd probably missed a good two years of their lives.

It was so good to be with them again. As I saw more of the boys, Jesse and I started to also hang out. Kolton and Wyatt were very close to her. It was partly because they had been with her almost exclusively for most of their lives and also because she breastfed them until they were three.

I know there are various groups that firmly believe this is an excellent idea. Maybe if Jesse had not been so controlling of my boys and perhaps if she hadn't manipulated the bond between them and me, I'd feel more positive about her choice to breastfeed for three years. Quite honestly, I felt like it was one more way that she could control them and use them.

It was May when I decided to sell my Lexus and purchase a Toyota Celica GTS. It was a brand new, loaded car. Jesse and I went to the dealership and I showed her the car. I thought it would be a good vehicle for her to tool around in with the boys so I offered to buy it for her.

In the middle of the dealer's showroom, Jesse started berating me.

"You should have kept the Lexus," she yelled! "This car is way too small for me to drive!"

"It the same size car," I explaiBen.

She was fuming. I was none too happy and about to explode at her. I walked away, not wanting to cause any more of a scene. All the time I'm thinking, "God, how ungrateful!"

Right then the manager of the dealership approached me and asked, "What kind of woman says something like that when you're buying the car and going to let her drive it?" I didn't have an answer and he knew it, so he cut right to the logical conclusion saying, "You've got to get rid of her."

I have a list of times in my life when I have not taken advice that, later, I wished I had. Those seven words the manager said to me are at the top of that list. I did buy the car for Jesse.

After a month of driving around in it, she started to destroy the car. She was treating like a piece of junk; doing things like throwing a bale of hay in the back seat. You ever throw a bale of hay in the back seat of a new car? I didn't think so.

My decision—I got rid of my Dodge Ram and bought a Ford Expedition and an F-150 Super Crew. I gave Jesse the F-150. A few weeks later she started to abuse that vehicle too, including destroying the tailgate and trying to hide the damage.

Jump-starting our relationship meant that the four of us were spending a lot of time together. One day we had spent all Wednesday out shopping, buying stuff for the kids, the house, etc.... When we got back to the twin home at about six I decided I'd run to my condo and check the mail. Both Kolton and Wyatt wanted to go with me.

I said, "Great, you can go for a ride with me."

I figured they can climb in the car, and we'd go over and be back in forty-five minutes. They had their pajamas on and it was near their bedtime so if they fell asleep on the ride I'd just carry them into Jesse's place.

Jesse angrily said, "They've got to go to bed!"

"What's the big deal?" I asked. "They don't go to bed until 8."

I had loaded them into the truck when Jesse came out of the house carrying the battery from the electric toy Jeep and screaming, "They've got to stick to a schedule!"

Then she lifted the battery, which is about half the size of a car battery, and held it like she was going to throw it at me.

I said, "Don't be so stupid about this."

Jesse held the battery, poised to hurl it at me.

I said to her very calmly and firmly, "If you hit me with that it will be the last thing you do on this earth."

She held it. Was she going to pop me with it? Finally she put it down.

Letting out a sign I said, "You know what get the kids out of the car. That's fine."

So I figured I'd learBen my lesson. The schedule was important to Jesse because it gave the boys structure and set rules. When you think about it, it certainly makes sense. But the way Jesse approached the whole thing made about as much sense as multilevel marketing.

The following Wednesday we had gone shopping again. It was 6:45 pm and the two boys were in the tub. As she was giving them their baths, Jesse realized that she had forgotten two things at the store.

She asked me, "Do you think you could go and pick some things up at the store that I forgot to buy?"

"Sure," I said.

Immediately the boys wanted to go with me. I'm flashing back to last Wednesday and remembering the important lesson I'd learBen when I say, "You know what guys we'll be up in the morning. We'll go get that stuff in the morning." (Whew, no battery headed towards my skull this time!)

I went into the living room, laid down and turBen on the TV. A few minutes later I looked down the hallway and saw Jesse in the bedroom getting Kolton and Wyatt dressed to go out.

Getting up, I walked over the Jesse and simply asked, "What are you doing?"

"Well, you're such an asshole," she screamed, "you wouldn't take your kids to the store, they wanted to go! So now I have to take them!"

"Wait a minute," I stopped her, "last week you were going to hit me in the head with a battery because supposedly they had a schedule to follow at 6:30—"

"It doesn't matter," she cut me off with that wonderful Jane Blair Exorcist voice; "they want to go!"

I could not believe it. I grabbed my keys and decided the best idea was for me to go to the bar and work. I couldn't stay there. I needed to breathe. I needed to confirm there were parts of the world where people acted logically. I really had to make sure that I wasn't crazy. I was dumbstruck.

The end of May and the beginning of June was a tumultuous time. Well, maybe it was funny. You could call it tragic. I'll tell you what—you decide.

A few days before June 3, 2000, Jesse called me to inform me that she had to go to Michigan to bring her niece back to see her nephew, Kris' son.

Then out of the blue she asked me, "Do you think I should go back on the pill? We haven't been doing much. What do you think?"

"I don't know. You're right we haven't done much lately," I acknowledged. "Whatever you think?"

The question did sort of make sense to me. We were becoming seriously involved with each other. By that I mean we were actively investigating our future together. For all of her outbursts and inappropriate anger, Jesse was also more caring. We had bought wedding rings together, and I had put a down payment on a home for us.

The night before she left for Michigan, a Friday, we did sleep together. The next day Jesse dropped the boys off at her mom's and went to her sister's house in Michigan. I had what I thought was a good idea for some family fun. I told Jesse that I would pick the twins up on Sunday at her mother's and I'd drive them to Duluth where we could spent the night and have some family time. She liked that plan.

Jesse packed their stuff in her suitcase and took their clothes with her. Later that day I talked to her. She was pretty excited because she had bought a new outfit with a peach colored blouse and black pants. Jesse said that she and Kris were going out on the town that night.

On Sunday I herded the boys together and we headed for Duluth. That night we arrived at the hotel where we met Jesse. Kolton and Wyatt were kind of antsy. They'd been in the truck for quite a while. They asked if they could go swimming, and I thought that would be a great way to blow off some energy. Jesse was in the bathroom, so I figured I'd get the kids dressed for the pool.

"Where's the kids' swim trunks?" I yelled into her as I unzipped the suitcase.

It was like Seabiscuit out of the gate as Jesse came bounding out of the bathroom, knocked me out of the way and lunged for the suitcase.

"I'll find their suits!" she exclaimed loudly.

"Jess, I'm capable of finding the boy's trunks," I said. "You didn't have to come running to get their swim trunks."

As she searched for the bathing suits I saw the peach colored blouse she had told me about. It was inside out in the suitcase. Taking the blouse I turBen the outside in and was about to compliment her taste when I saw something streaked across her shirt.

It was the remnants of a man. 'The liquid was remnants of a man'. The seminal liquid was definitely from a man.

She grabbed the blouse from me.

"That's my deodorant," she claimed.

"Jesse, there's no way I'm buying that one. There's gobs and stains on that shirt that are from some guy."

I didn't say a whole lot more. I later discovered that Kris and Jesse had gone out Saturday night to a strip show at the bar. Jesse had enjoyed some extracurricular activity with one of the brawny boys and his male member.

It's funny, I didn't yell or scream. I told her I was done with the whole thing. We cut the trip short and headed back to Coon Rapids.

Back in town, Jesse kept pressuring me to get married. I knew what she was doing. If we got married and I bought the house and then we divorced, she would be awarded the house. She would be entitled to live there until the kids turBen 18.

I was very quiet and disinterested in anything she had to say and that made Jesse anxious. She knew she'd probably blown it and as much as she tried to sweet talk me, it wasn't working. I'd grown tired of her talk, her antics, and her lies.

Jesse and Kris had the same hobby: cheating on the men who love them. Kris was married to a very nice guy named Stan. They had a two boys and a daughter and despite the fact that Stan knew Kris cheated on him, he tried everything he could to keep their marriage together.

About two weeks after we got back from Duluth I was in downtown Anoka when I spotted my truck parked near the courthouse. Jesse was still driving it, so I decided to walk over and see what she was up to. As I got near the truck, I saw Kris Jesse come out from near the court building. She was followed by a man, a stranger.

I asked Kris what she was doing with my truck. Did she know where Jesse was and why the truck was sitting near the town park?

"Jesse let me borrow the truck," she said with the stranger now standing by her.

"She's not supposed to let anyone borrow the truck," I told Kris.

It turBen out Kris asked Jesse if she could borrow the truck in order to go and see her doctor. It was a plastic surgeon who had done her breast enlargements. It turBen out Kris was having her breasts looked after but not by the doctor. She was having sex with the mystery man in my truck at the park.

Very smooth! Nice. What a classy family!

Right after I discovered what Kris had done, I received a call to alert me to the fact that on that Saturday night Kris and Jesse had gone out to a raucous night club. Jesse hooked up with a beefy guy and went at it in the back of my truck that she was driving. It was pretty much what I had figured.

Then Stan, Kris's husband told me that while Jesse was at their house she was bragging about how she was going to marry me and get me to buy her a house. She never got into the house.

That was it. We were over. Then the same old dance started. I'd try to see the kids and she'd take off with them. At the end of August, after I'd moved into my house, she called me and told me she was going to move to Michigan.

Great, I thought.

To complicate things Jesse was pregnant once again. Was it mine? Or was it stripper boys in Michigan? I figured this child was not mine. What were the chances it could be?

When Jesse pulled the "I'm moving to Michigan" bit, I informed her that she was going to have to get there on her own. She could not take my car. I also told her she can't leave the state without my approval.

Oh yah, remember that letter from the county claiming Jesse showed up for the mediation session in 1998 even though she informed them we had reached an agreement and didn't need their services. Well, good old Jesse told me "my lawyer already got it approved for me to leave the state from the judge, and since you didn't show up for the mediation before, no judge will let you have visitation." I kind of wondered what happeBen to the court hearing that I should have been at for such a court order. I knew better but let Jesse ramble on.

"I can't believe you're taking the car away from your kids!" she screamed.

I said, "Wait a minute, Jess, I can't take my car away from you but it's okay for you to take my kids away from me? Does that make sense?"

I called Cathy who worked for Anoka County to tell her about the new baby that was on the way. When I spoke with Cathy, she told me that Jesse had already called her that day and informed her that she was having another child. Jesse said to Cathy that she expected 25% more money with the new baby. Not just 25% more of what she was already receiving, but another 25% of my income. Jesse was expecting what she was figuring as another $1,500 on top of the $1,500 per month she was already getting. Cathy explaiBen that she would get maybe a 3 to 5 percent increase, and maybe nothing since I had already voluntarily raised the support in 1999 to $1,500 per month. (Hell hookers in Vegas aren't doing that good.) So Jesse told her she'd move to another county and get 25%. Cathy attempted to reason with her but the diplomatic Jesse told her to "screw off" and hung up. Cathy encouraged me to try to get custody of my kids because it was apparent that Jesse had "some problems."

I started calling, as I had before, to see my kids, but Jesse refused to answer, return calls or contact me. Finally in August 2000, my lawyer sent her a letter informing her that she was violating the law by not allowing me to see my children.

Jesse was back living with her mom and because of her situation she claimed it was unfair to have my boys visit me. You see I had moved into my new house that sat on five acres. It had a barn and facilities for horses. It was a very fine home. Jesse said that for the boys to come and visit me and then have to go back to their grandmother's house gave me an unjust advantage.

Things really heated up when Lynne, Jesse's mother, wrote me a letter saying that I had bought the house originally for her daughter and the twins and that I'd acted unfairly. In essence she said if I loved them I'd give them my house and my car. She also noted in that same letter that I couldn't "buy my sons' love." I had to wonder about the contradiction stated that I could not buy their love, yet if I did love Kolton and Wyatt I would give them my house and car.

What team did Jesse play on? She played for whatever team would benefit her most. In her pursuit of money and material possessions she was the ultimate free agent. Jesse is such a contradiction. She can be charming and sweet and captivating and then instantly turn into someone who seems capable of breathing atomic fire into your lungs.

Jesse could turn violent at the drop of a hat. She could twist a story around in so many different ways that you'd have no idea what the truth really was. Her brain worked overtime creating stories that she'd claim were the truth but had no basis in reality.

In late August my lawyer and I worked in earnest to insure I would not lose my kids again. However Jesse started to play new games. Those games had a terrible emotional effect on both Kolton and Wyatt. Although her plotting and manipulation also damaged me psychologically, pushing me to the brink of suicide, at least I was an adult who possessed coping mechanisms and a supportive family. The boys had no one but their mother.

The pushing and pulling and twisting of emotions she inflicted on the boys along with the threats and demands she threw at me made me stronger and ultimately empowered me to seek justice. I was about to discover, however, that justice in the family court system of Minnesota is an oxymoron.

Chapter 6

Lessons Taught, Lessons LearBen

I guess one positive thing about Jesse was there never seemed to be a dull moment with her. You really never knew what was going to happen. What's the Chinese proverb/curse: "May you live in interesting times." Sometimes boring sounds good.

Here's an incident that may just be the ultimate Jesse experience. One day my mom came by the twin home to visit with us. I was playing with Kolton and Wyatt while Jesse and my mother sat at the kitchen talking. Now when you "talk" to Jesse it can be extremely interesting. She, of course, tends to do the majority of the talking with a potpourri of subjects that seem to only be related only by the fact that they are all coming from her brain dispersed via her mouth.

The conversation seemed to be animated with my mom being her typical good-natured self. Meanwhile, I was on the floor with the boys having a good time. This wasn't exactly a Cosby Show moment but we're also not talking about an Adams Family moment either.

Suddenly Kolton got up, whacked me over the head with a ruler, and ran off. I cracked him on the butt, picked him up, brought him to his room and sat him on his bed. I wanted Kolton to realize that he had hurt me with the ruler and that that type of behavior has consequences. People, including kids, tend to understand consequences. I informed Kolton he was to sit on his bed, think about what he had done and that he could come out when I told him it was time.

Kolton sat in his room on his bed crying. He didn't like being punished, but then again who does?

As I came out of the bedroom Jesse caught me and said, "You don't do that!"

"Yes, I do," I told her.

"You don't discipline my son," she ordered.

Realize I had barely touched him; it was a "do I have your attention now" perfunctory paddling. And it worked; I did have his attention.

"Jesse," I tried to explain, "What I did is called 'teaching him a lesson.'"

"You can't hit him!" she stated.

"Jesse," I said with as much patience as I could muster, "Jesse, Wyatt will bite Kolton and you won't do a thing about it."

"You don't discipline my son," she said again.

"No," I said, "you're wrong. Kolton can't hit and Wyatt can't bite."

I figured I'd made my point and we all settled back in our respective spaces. Jesse went back into the kitchen with my mom and they continued their conversation. Wyatt and I played for a while and after some time I invited Kolton to join us. I didn't really want to but I had to go to my business and get some stuff done.

Since I was going my mother decided to leave. I walked her out and then came back in to say good-bye. As I came back in the door, Jesse was immediately all over me about how I'd discipliBen Kolton.

"You can't do that to my son," she repeated.

"A kid needs discipline, Jesse. They need limits." (All the time I'm thinking, "Yeah and if they don't they end up like you.")

"I don't like what you did to him!" she protested more.

And then instead of just screaming at me, she started to get violent. She was shoving me down the stairs. Then she knocked me out the door by slamming it. I ended up on my back side landing on my thumb and cracking it.

I said, "Hey! You don't hit me."

I left the step area and went to my truck. As I was driving out of the parking lot my cell rang.

"Hello?" I answered.

It's Jesse who said, "Wyatt wants to talk to you."

She puts the phone to his mouth and I can hear him crying. The phone hangs up.

There's another ring of my cell and another "hello" from me.

Jesse was on the other end growling, "Kolton wants to talk with you!"

I said, "Hello?"

Once again all I heard was an upset child and then another hang up. The poor kid couldn't talk to me. Neither of them could, they were so upset over the fight.

Then there was a third ring. I answered it.

On the other end Jesse angrily cried, "Why are you leaving?"

I explaiBen to her that I had to get out of there. I said, "I don't want to really get pissed off at you. I'm already really mad." Then I made my point, saying, "You want me to be the father to provide everything, but you don't want me to have the rights of a father. That's not how life is."

"It's just like your mom said," Jesse yelled, "she said today that you were going to leave me just like my other dad! You were going to walk away, that's how you are!"

("Wow," I'm thinking, "my mom said that?") I hung up the phone and gave my mom a call.

"Mom," I said, "what did you talk to Jesse about today?"

My mom reiterated some of Jesse's more disturbing background and said, "She told me about how she'd been molested by her step-father and that her mother blamed her for it. She claimed that she came home one day to find her mother in the shower with her sister Kris's 17 year-old boyfriend. She talked about stuff like that. A lot of it didn't make sense. It didn't connect."

"Okay," I responded.

"I just listeBen," she said. "I didn't know what to say."

"Well," I told my mom, "Jesse told me that you said that I was going to leave her. That that's how I was and that I was going to be just like her dad."

My mom replied, "I'll be over there in five minutes to straighten her out."

I told my mom that wasn't necessary.

She went on, "Why would I ever say anything like that when I know all you want is to be with your kids?"

That's the type of stuff Jesse would concoct. She created her own world and believed the reality that she manufactured. Like I said, it was never dull.

The back and forth with Jesse and her family, the manipulative methods she employed to hamstring my visitations with the wild fluctuations in her emotions and actions all started to take their toll. As time went on I spent less and less time at my business. Anyone who knows the bar business understands that it consumes your time, energy and focus. Running a successful business that is devoted offering quality food, drink and entertainment really drains you. If you can't be there, if you're not involved or if you are distracted, the business suffers. Many people dream abut owning their own business until they realize that if they take a day off nobody is minding the store.

1st Draft Sports Bar started to suffer as I became more and more exhausted both mentally and physically from the daily grind of trying to be with my boys. At this point in time the real fireworks hadn't even started. But my emotional decline had started, however I did not recognize this fact

In 2000 I felt a lot of pressure to marry Jesse. I even discussed it with my attorney and he did acknowledge that it was a viable way to insure that I would see my kids. I really didn't think Jesse and I had a shot in hell to make it, but her threats of leaving the state with the kids again made me pause and take steps towards what would have been a disaster in marrying her.

My family and friends were all concerBen that I would walk down the aisle to the altar just to solidify my bond with Wyatt and Kolton. Although the court proceedings had not yet become the circus they ultimately would, I was well aware that Jesse had the power to defy court orders with punishment, whereas any attempt on my part to retaliate by withholding support payments could land me in jail.

Everyone was right to be concerBen. I was almost in front of the minister in June 2000. We had the rings. Jesse applied for a marriage license in Anoka County for us. I had already bought the house when I called an end to the foolishness that would have led to our legal matrimony only creating escalating legal hassles for me. The biggest problem was I could not trust her.

A turning point for me occurred when I was speaking to my dad. I wasn't sure what I should do. How was I going to hold onto my sons? Could I insure she'd let me see them? To what part of the US would Jesse run off? What type of man would she be living with and how would they treat Kolton and Wyatt? With her as the priLynne parental influence what types of men would the twins grow up to be? I desperately wanted to be their father and I wanted to be totally involved.

That's when my dad said to me, "Son you don't have to be married to be a good father."

My decision to not marry her, as I mentioBen in the last chapter, opeBen up the floodgates of reprisals and abuse from her as well as her mother.

Jesse spent a lot of time making Wyatt and Kolton anxious and tense about leaving her and visiting me. After I moved into my home without Jesse, I worked with my lawyer to secure overnight visitation with Kolton and Wyatt. Jesse had a lot of excuses, including the boys were scared of me, the twins didn't want to stay overnight at my place without her. Kolton and Wyatt are too worried to stay overnight at my house. They were all variations on the same theme with the surface message being "your sons think you're an ogre" and the subtext being "I've spent day and night filling their heads with bizarre stories about you and what you'll do to them."

On October 23, 2000, it seemed like all of the calling from my lawyer and me, all of the attempts at visiting the boys and all of the precious time I'd spent with them before Jesse and I split for good was about to pay off. Jesse agreed to let my sons come over to my place and visit and possibly stay the night.

Over at my place we spent time playing and talking. Jesse had told me that they were lying in her bed at night crying because they didn't want to sleep over at my house. But that didn't seem to be the case at all. When they got to my house, after some initial feeling out the vibes, Kolton and Wyatt started to relax and we talked. I decided it would be a good idea to video tape our day since I really wanted a record of exactly what was on their minds and get a true sense of the supposed inhibitions about being around me as Jesse had been proclaiming.

That day as we played I was feeling out the situation with respect to them being afraid to stay at my house. What I found out is again Jesse was again concocting another story about being afraid to stay with me. For several hours they continued to say they wanted to stay over whenever I would mention them having to go back home.

Around 3:30, after several hours of the boys insisting they wanted to stay I called Jesse. I told Jesse the boys want to stay overnight with me. Jesse responded by telling me that I just couldn't call and ask for them to stay without giving some notice. The boys weren't ready and didn't have their things to stay.

Jesse turBen this into another ranting session with "Kolton and Wyatt aren't ready to stay over and it is not fair for them to stay at your house and then have to come home to their Grandmas." I understood what Jesse was trying to do. I knew she was just attempting to extort my house out of me. I know Jesse was hoping I would fall for her ploy thinking "maybe if I give her my house and get a different place to live, the boys can stay over with me." Sadly, it had crossed my mind at one point during our conversation that day.

The conversation ended with Jesse saying no and again threatening to take the boys out of state with little chance of seeing them again until they were 12 or 13. Her words were so chilling. Again she was using my little boys as a pawn in her own little chess game. I wondered what demon was within her and where did it come from.

After hanging up the phone with her I had to tell the boys they couldn't stay over. Rather than use the Jesse tactics and tell them they had a horribly twisted mother I told them that their mother was feeling sad they were away and they needed to go home. They insisted they wanted to stay over. Wyatt even said "we pick mom up and she come stay with us". An innocent little mind came up with this. It almost made me cry. I thought, is this little boy smart enough to know or want both mom and dad under the same roof? As smart as he is, Wyatt had no idea that to me, in a perfect world this was a good idea, but in the real world there was not way for his mother and Ito co-exist.

I tried another line of reasoning with him. I told Wyatt "your beds are at your house". Again Wyatt responds with "we go pick them up Daddy". One thing after another I tried to coax them into the idea they had to go home, and over and over they had an answer to how they could solve this unsolvable problem. I was amazed at their relentless effort to fix the problem. No matter what I said Wyatt had an answer or solution. It took all I had to not tell them the truth. I did not want to burst their innocent little bubble about their mother.

However, finally I told the boys their mom insisted they had been lying in bed crying saying they were afraid to stay overnight with me. I knew they expressed no apprehension about any of it. In fact I knew that this was nothing more than Jesse's twisted little mind.

I wanted to be clear about what they thought so again I said, "Your mom thinks you're scared to stay with me. That you don't want to sleep over at my house."

Kolton looked at me and revealed, "Oh, no, Daddy, we're not afraid of staying at your house."

"Well what are you afraid of?" I asked.

"We don't like to sleep in mommy's bed. That what we're afraid of."

Boy was I glad I had the tape rolling! That statement seemed very odd to me. Why were they sleeping in her bed? And why were they upset about it? The fact was Jesse had been molested and it's known that people, not all but some, who have gone through those horrifying experiences as children, themselves become pedophiles. Am I saying Jesse is a pedophile? No. But I am stating that my sons exhibited some strange behavior when they were home with her.

One of the things I noticed was their continued tendency to take off all of their clothes whenever they got home. That's right. When Kolton and Wyatt got back to their Grandma Lynne's place, whenever that might be, they were instantly naked. They would be running all over the house and more shamefully around the front yard without a stitch covering their bodies. And remember the time Jesse was cited in Wisconsin for neglect because both boys were found outside running around without any clothing on? That was not normal behavior. Where did it come from?

Jesse had some funny ideas about the boys. On October 23, 2000, they did not stay overnight with me. I was disappointed, but I was also in this for the long run and I saw that day in October as a step towards longer visitation and eventually shared custody.

When I got the boys back to Jesse's she gave me a letter about how she thought the process of overnight visitation should progress.

She wrote:

"Don—

I will not deny you visitation with the boys but we need to both understand the time they will be picked up and the time they will be dropped off."

It's ironic she should start the letter like this since she had been the priLynne party not paying attention to or adhering to mutually agreed to times. The letter continues:

"When you and I agree on a prearranged time and the boys agree and are ready with all their things they need for the night, we will try it as long as you agree if they decide they want to come home or are upset you will bring them back or let me come and get them."

This paragraph is both masterful and idiotic. It's masterful because she sets me up as the one who won't cooperate. It's idiotic because she's giving two three year-old boys the power to make decisions only adults should make. My theory is she was doing this because of all the time she spent programming the twins with various fears about what I was like and what I was going to do. Get them upset enough before they come and see me and sure they're going to want to go home.

When I called her about the letter, I said, "No, no, no; three year-olds do not get to make these decisions."

She continues in her finest solicitous tone:

"Let's always remember that the boys are our first priority..." she presented.

Okay, Jesse, let's agree to that which means they should be able to see their father!

In that same paragraph, after saying the boys are our "first priority," she notes:

"... **and not a tool to hurt each other**."

Am I missing something? I mean this is like a terrorist saying we've got to love one another after they've just blown up your entire family. Next she plays the ultimate mom with a capital M.

"You saw they have a routine that they feel secure with at night."

Does everyone remember that routine? That's the routine that she almost flatteBen my head with the toy Jeep battery over when I was about to sort of break it one Wednesday evening. It's the same routine she then broke the next Wednesday when I got in line and refused to change it.

Then she writes a "heartfelt" plea:

"Please let's make the boys secure and comfortable with being with their mom and dad."

I am all for that. Jesse. Notice, Jesse, you wrote "mom and dad? Finally she says in a beautiful reconciliatory tone:

"Our goal should be that they are totally comfortable with both of us. I want to work together on this for the boys."

Simple but brilliant! Jesse, the levelheaded peacemaker, has spoken! The trouble with writing a letter like this is if you don't follow through it becomes a lie. And that's exactly what Jesse did. She sent me a lie.

The first night the kids finally stayed with me was December 28, 2000. They were supposed to stay with me on Christmas, but Jesse called and said she'd taken the boys to the clinic and they were sick. I told her I wanted to see the clinic records. Jesse claimed I wasn't allowed to see them.

I said, "Well you're wrong there, Jess, I have a court order that says I do get to see those records." She and her mother Lynne who managed the clinic the boys were seen at tried to hide them from me. Lynne had instructed her employees not to let me see the records. After calling the Vice President of Allina Health Care (Lynne's Boss) and the local Police Department to enforce the court order, I got the records. The records confirmed my suspicions—they had not been to the doctor. Kolton and Wyatt were fine on Christmas.

Although they were supposed to be spending multiple nights with me, the twins only stayed with me that one night in December. If only for a night it was really wonderful. Her efforts in keeping them away from me only made me want to insure I secured my visitation and custody rights even more.

After that initial overnight, Jesse became extremely vindictive and belligerent. She wanted to know why I deserved to have a car. And why I should own a house? The day after their first sleepover, she called and threateBen to leave for Michigan. That's right she was going to leave me childless again.

Then she asked, "What do you need that house for? I should have that house, not you! You don't need it. You can give it to me and easily live with someone else. You can live in an apartment."

I asked Jesse, "Why should I pay for multiple homes? How do I ever get a new house if I don't buy this one?"

"You should think about your kids and not yourself," she barked at me.

Of course Jesse doesn't want the house for the boys; she's just using them and trying to make me feel guilty so she can have my home. Lynne, Jesse's mother, also contacted me numerous times to call me names, belittle me and bully me into giving up my house.

I wasn't budging. Jesse moved to Sherburne County, where she thought she'd get 25% more when she had Addyson. That's where Tim (yes the one and only Tim), who was a builder, constructed a duplex. Somehow Jesse's mom arranged the thing. Tim built it at cost and Jesse lived in one half and sold the other.

Of course, I continued to pay child support. In fact again in 1999 I petitioBen the county to raise my payments to $1,500 a month. The only way Jesse would let me visit with the boys was if I gave her something—money, a gift card for groceries or something else. Over and over again she used the boys as collateral. Or maybe they were more like a commodity? Basically, she was their unscrupulous pimp.

The pattern continued for both of us. She'd hit me up for money, or food, or a car, and I would give her what she wanted. It wasn't that I was stupid or naïve. But if your kids say to you, "Mommy doesn't have any money. She needs money," what was I supposed to do? And when you haven't seen your kids for weeks and you know if you hand over $500 to their mom, you're going to do it if you can.

It was really inappropriate for her to talk to Kolton and Wyatt about money. Putting kids in that kind of position where they're worried about their mother being able to buy food is shameful. I have no doubt she knew exactly what she was doing. She knew if I heard them express fear and concern over money that I would bring some right over to her. It broke my heart to hear my four year-olds so worried. Most parents would rather do without than have their kids go without. That was certainly my reaction.

As we headed into 2001 Jesse was carrying Addyson. She was due in March. I was about to have a daughter. I didn't think it could happen but life was about to get even more complicated, more emotional and more confusing.

Chapter 7

The Battle Ground

Addyson was due to be born in March 2001. Jesse had been living in the duplex that Tim had built her in the town of Becker located in Sherburne County. It was about forty miles north of Coon Rapids. During the last month or so of her pregnancy, she moved back with Lynne to be closer to her doctor and the hospital and to have some family support.

I was involved with making sure everything was set for her and the baby. I was also getting a chance to see Kolton and Wyatt again. That morning when Addyson decided it was time to enter this world, I drove Jesse to the hospital. Even though there were doubts that Addyson was mine, I wanted to do as much as I could to help and be a part of the whole process.

The doubts as to who was Addyson's father arose from the strip show/ peach blouse incident. Jesse and I had slept together the night before she ended up at the male strip show. That Saturday night out with her sister she had become intimately involved with one of the club's professional sex machines. Addyson could be the Sex Machine's or she could be mine.

When she was born...at that beautiful moment when she became a part of our world...I was almost certain that I was Addy's father. You see I am white while Jesse's publicly naked Sex Machine was apparently black. Addyson did not appear to have a black parent in her gene pool. I know that visual determination of a person's actual color is not always accurate, but along with this surface evidence I just had a warm, comfortable feeling that she was mine.

When Addyson was born Jesse started to cry. I couldn't tell if these were tears of joy for her new, beautiful baby girl or tears of relief that the Sex Machine was apparently not the dad. It was a wild scene and I had so many different emotions coursing through me that it's impossible to describe exactly how I felt at that time.

I was giddy with delight at seeing my tiny, baby daughter and dourly cynical at hearing Jesse's cries. I was optimistic for the future because Jesse had said that Addy would have McPhail as her last name and that the boys would follow suit. Yet, I was pessimistic regarding Jesse's change of heart concerning my direct connection with my children because her heart seemed to shift at any given moment and in relationship to what she perceived as the best cash-in-hand opportunity.

It was March 7, 2001. I spent the entire day and night with mom and baby. What could be better? When I left at 11 o'clock that night there was a bounce in my step that signaled a renewed optimism towards being a part of my kids' lives.

The next day I ran around scouting out a new vehicle for Jesse and the kids. She had expressed a lot of concern about the fact that with three children she needed a safe and roomy mode of transportation for runs to the grocery store, doctor, bank etc.... She and the boys had been traveling around in a small car which Jesse felt didn't offer them enough protection. Along with shopping at different dealerships, I also took a quick jog to my bar, insuring everything was running smoothly.

I arrived at the hospital about 4 o'clock. Jesse and Addy were both doing fine. That day, Jesse's room was filled with visitors: her mother, other family and friends. Eventually everyone filtered out and it was just the three of us. At approximately 7:30 PM a nurse came into the room to fill out the birth certificate papers. When she asked Jesse what Addyson's family name would be she answered, "Jacobson."

I was floored. We had agreed that the baby would carry my family name and that the boys would also eventually take my name. Yet again, Jesse's mind and heart take a 180! No warning, no discussion, and certainly no reason—it simply changed.

Jesse still expected me to sign the certificate saying that I was the father. I refused. I wasn't about to go through the typical give and take that I'd been through before. You know the type I'm talking about: where I give and Jesse takes?

When I refused to sign on as Addyson's father Jesse hit the ceiling. ( _How atypical of her!)_ She couldn't believe I wasn't going to sign the birth certificate! To her it was typical of me to not think of my children, to not consider their wellbeing and to only think of myself. Of course I was wondering whether she had been paying any attention during the last four years.

I was out of there leaving Jesse to figure out how she was going to get home the next day. When I look back on it now, I figure it this way. Jesse was more than happy to give Addy the last name McPhail before she was born because she knew there was a chance her father was some guy who performed in the buff and offered personalized, al la carte service. When it was fairly apparent that that was not the case, that Addyson's father was most likely white, she no longer had to give up anything, including the family name, because she knew I would more than meet my responsibilities to any child that was mine. Regardless of whether he name was Addyson McPhail or Addyson Jacobson, if she was mine, I would be her father in every sense of the word.

Of course Jesse didn't let the animosity last long. She still wanted a new car and she knew I would provide it. After they came back from the hospital I went over to Lynne's house regularly, spending time with Jesse and my kids. Jesse and I were no longer an "item" in any way. I was there for the children.

During this time Jesse badgered me with wanting a bigger car and more money. She said it was especially tough because all she had was the child support, which amounted to $1,500 a month. She would tell me how she was poor, the kids were poor, and she also told me she was selling old toys at Once Upon a Child for groceries. What a tug on my heartstring and Jesse knew it. In August I bought her a minivan and put it in her name. With the van in-hand Jesse was gone, taking the kids with her. It was sort of strange to think that Jesse who still supposedly had "no money" was now able to go all over the place! What had changed? Sure she had a minivan but that was simply a bigger vehicle. She didn't have any more money. When you consider how much more she had to spend on gas, she actually had less cash on hand. Or did she?

A fact completely unknown to me until July 2003, starting in August 2001, Jesse began receiving $2,500 a month for respite care. I use the word "receiving" and not "earning" because she was not actually providing respite care. Jesse's sister, Stephanie, set up a scam where Jesse got paid for doing nothing. Stephanie worked in the care industry and managed a business that received government money for providing care to individuals with severe mental or physical disabilities in Anoka County. Stephanie, who got tired of hearing her sister complain about her monetary situation, decided she would rather bilk the government (you and me while she was at it) than listen to the whining. I will add that I have since contacted both Dependable Home Health Care which is who was billing the Anoka County and the county itself regarding the misuse, all of which was ignored. Dependable Home Health Care says Stephanie still claims Jesse did the work even though Jesse's sworn Affidavit in 2002 and my journal prove differently.

The irony about this situation was that of all Jacobson Jesse's family, you would probably say Stephanie is the most honest and trustworthy. Isn't that a strange statement to make about a person who defrauded the government?

With her sister's administrative help, Jesse was given $2,500 a month for doing nothing. That's $1500 in tax free child support and the other $2500 with very little taxes taken out for doing almost nothing. I wondered how she could be running all over the place with the kids in tow and only $1,500 in her pocket. I say "only" 1,500 because Jesse constantly cried about how she could not buy the basics, how she could not make it, and how she and the kids couldn't do anything on that amount of support. The answer was found in one simple word: fraud. She wasn't getting $1,500 a month; she was pocketing almost $4,000 a month! That's $1,000 a week or $200 per work day ("work day" is an oxymoron here) and most of it was tax-free! Nice job if you can get it. As a matter of fact every person that I have read about trying to get a job like this gets prosecuted for fraud. Not Jesse!

The truth of the matter during the early part of 2000 Jesse did ask me to cash checks for her that were issued from the State and County for supposed work for Stephanie with her respite clients. I asked Jesse what they were for and why she was getting them when I knew she had been doing no work for Stephanie given the fact she was with me continuously and did not have time to do the work. Jesse told me "Stephanie was billing hours for her because she was not getting child support from her ex-husband and she needed the money." After I questioBen her she never asked me to cash the checks which I had through my business account. I can only assume she realized I did not approve of it. Coincidently I had called several offices at the county and state and none seemed interested in listening so I let it go.

It is no wonder we have budget issues in our government. But, to all you non-custodial parents, don't worry they will just raise our child support so the FEDS can give them more matching incentive dollars. That's budget management 101.

So with her butt behind the wheel of a new minivan Jesse once again disappeared with the kids. She was living back at the twin home in Sherburne County where she didn't answer the phone, she constantly took off for locations unknown and when she came back she still didn't return my calls.

On the rare occasion I did talk to her, she threateBen to move the kids out-of-state. I wanted her to contact me hoping to stay out of court. I gave Jesse a new phone with an answering machine. This ultimately proved to be futile. When I asked the boys if their mom hooked up the answering machine Kolton informed me, "mommy no want anyone to know you called daddy so she no hook up." And she was going to use this ruse to her advantage. She kept telling me you aren't calling and the phone records will show it. She was right. Without someone to pick up the phone and with the answering machine not being hooked up there could be record of phone calls on my cell phone bill. From whom other than her mother could she have learBen such a tactic? At that time I started recording our phone conversations. This was something I should have done a long time ago.

In late July 2001, Lee and I served papers on Jesse for visitation and custody. All hell broke out. The threatening phone messages from both her and her mother began. Jesse first called and told me that if I didn't stop the court action she would claim that the process server, who was my brother-in-law, assaulted her with the court summons. This call came only five minutes after her initial phone call claiming she hadn't been served because Joel, my brother-in-law, threw the papers on the ground. She insisted the Becker police were on their way over to my house to talk to me about it. I found myself sitting on my kitchen floor laughing hysterically at the insanity of her phone messages.

Jesse's calls on that dreary Friday evening were hysterical and in direct contrast to her mother's call. The following Wednesday 21 July 2001 at 9:31 p.m., Lynne, Jesse left a message showing me the lengths to which her family might go to "WIN."

Lynne, in her best wine straiBen voice, growled, "Don, you miserable son of a......" (You can fill in the blank) "...how dare you think that you should have visitation or custody of these kids? You need to put a bullet in your mouth and I will provide the gun and the bullet."

WOW! That was all I could say. Those words clearly illustrated what kind of people I was dealing with and "level headed" was not one of the phrases I'd use to describe them.

But these terrorist tactics were not going to prevent me from protecting my children and doing what was right. So when Jesse realized that threats wouldn't get me to back off, she reverted to the "let's play nice" ploy. By now we are all familiar with it. It's the one where a good mom let's a loving and caring father see his kids. So Jesse let me have a full weekend with the twins. It was the weekend of August 24, 2001 that Kolton and Wyatt were able to stay with me for two nights straight. That was the first time that had ever happeBen.

It only took four-and-a-half years to accomplish this stunning feat! It took about six years to build America's first transcontinental railroad and a little over a month for Thomas Jefferson and company to write the Declaration of Independence. Shouldn't the successful result of a father's good faith attempts to visit with his children for more than one night should take closer to the time our forefathers spent writing the document that declared the United States a free country, than the span of time thousands of laborers toiled to construct a railroad joining our east and west coasts?

I firmly believe the timing of that initial multiple overnight was connected to the court papers. Jesse wasn't acting in good faith. She was throwing me a bone in order to convince me to call off the dogs. I didn't. My next visit with the boys was the following Wednesday. When I brought them back to Jesse on Thursday morning Wyatt, who clung more to his mom than Kolton did, wasn't ready to go home.

"I go with you, dad," Wyatt declared, "I'm going with you to work. I'm going with you."

When we arrived at Jesse's I brought the twins to the door. Although I thought it was really neat that Wyatt wanted to go to work with me, I didn't want any hassles. My plan was to get the boys in Jesse's house, bring in the car seats and go to work.

However as soon as Jesse opeBen the door Wyatt opeBen his mouth and declared, "I'm going to work. I'm going with dad to work! I'm going to work!"

Jesse looked at me wanting to know what I had done.

"I didn't do anything," I explaiBen. "He just wants to go with me."

But she was primed for an argument and began yelling at me that she had planBen to do things with the boys. Wanting to defuse the situation, I went back to my truck, got the car seats and brought them into the house.

As I came through the door Wyatt yelled at me, "You're stupid! You don't want me to go with you!" Then he ran into the closet, shutting the door.

"What the hell happeBen here, Jess?" I demanded.

"You talk to him," she snarled.

"You created this," I explaiBen. "All he wanted to do was go with me. What's the big deal?"

I left. In less time than it took to get two car seats from my truck, she had turBen a little boy's simple request into a declaration of war.

The next day I called and Jesse picked up. I asked if I could speak with Wyatt, but he didn't want to talk with me. The day after was Friday and I was supposed to pick up my sons again. Jesse didn't want me to take them so my attorney called her attorney. Jesse was informed that she had to let me visit with Wyatt and Kolton.

I picked up the boys and once I had them in the truck I looked at Wyatt and said to him, "Wyatt, daddy wanted you to go with him. But mommy said she had stuff to do."

"Mommy say you no want me with you!" he cried.

How far from the truth can you get? Why tell your child lie after lie? Is it to make them a liar?

Let me go on record right now by saying this. No child should suffer from the acrimony of his or her parents. They should not be forced to handle emotions with which an adult has difficulty dealing. Let the kids be kids. And let the kids have their parents. Notice that's plural, parents. If both parents are competent and loving, they should both be essential parts of their children's lives. Adult disagreements and arguments should be kept between the adults.

Although I adhered to what I've stated above, Jesse had no interest in doing so. After Wyatt spoke to me, I got out of my truck and went to see his mom for a moment.

"Jesse," I said, "don't you ever say anything to my kids about me. Ever! This is going to court and it's only going to get ugly for you if you continue this. Why are you doing this stuff?"

"That's it," she screamed, "they are not going with you!"

With that she grabbed Wyatt and Kolton and took them inside. I tried to call my lawyer to do something about it, but I wasn't able to reach him until after the weekend. Standing there in the driveway I felt hopeless. There was nothing I could do right at that moment? I was about to find out what it felt like to be shoved through a "Juiceman running on Steroids."

With my attorney billing me monthly to the tune of $1,000 to $2,000 for setting up visitations that Jesse would ultimately deny me of, and for repeated responses attempting to fend off her continued false allegations, my bank account was beginning to suffer from a serious case of "the dry heaves." What was worse, my energy and will power were slowly being draiBen out of me. So what really could I do right at that moment? Nothing! But I also felt confident because we were going to court where the truth would come out.

Unfortunately I was naïve enough to believe that Minnesota Statute 518 that pertains to Divorce and Dissolution of Marriages and Child Support was written to protect parents and children equally. I had ideas of grandeur and justice. That everything would be okay, Jesse would be put in check, and my children would finally be given the protection they deserved. I was so wrong.

Two days later on Sunday Jesse phoBen me. Over the phone I heard the gentle, kind compassionate Jesse. (You know, the Jesse who wants something?)

"Hi, Don," she started, "why don't you come over tonight and we can all have dinner together. And you can spend the night and we can have a nice family evening. Wouldn't that be nice?" she asked.

"Well Jesse I've got plans tonight. I've got a date," I retorted.

She wasn't happy to hear that I had a date. The woman who had screwed more guys than the government ever did was ticked off at me because I had a date!

The next morning I reached Lee to tell him about Friday's festivities. He said he'd received a call from Jesse's lawyer, Wayne Schultz, and that he had apprised Lee of some startling news.

Lee said dryly, "Schultz said Jesse told him you threateBen to kill her last night."

I started laughing, "Are you kidding me?"

I explaiBen to Lee exactly what happeBen and told him I'd be glad to play the tape any time.

"I knew it didn't happen," Lee said. "I simply told Mr. Schultz that as long as your client lets my client see his kids, I'll tell him not to kill your client." That was Lee's droll way of making the point to Mr. Schultz that Jesse's claim was ludicrous.

When Jesse realized that we would see each other in court she used every opportunity she had to abuse the system. Every phone call, every meeting, every visitation became a chance for her to create her own mythology about what had transpired. I learBen to record or have witnesses for every situation I possibly could. Primarily she focused her misinformation efforts in two areas: scheduled meetings and drop offs, and communicating to my boys how I felt about them and what I would do to them. It was constant and controlling with no end in sight.

Halloween was a classic example. Jesse had called me and asked if she could have the children for that night. In October 2001 Halloween fell on a Wednesday, traditionally my time to be with the kids. But I knew the boys liked going to their Aunt Stephanie's, who lived in a very safe neighborhood for trick or treating. They had always done that and they'd always had a great time, so I said to Jesse that it was no problem. She could have the kids for Halloween.

The next thing I know Lee has gotten a letter from Jesse's lawyer saying that I wasn't cooperating with Jesse over Halloween. His correspondence claimed that I was demanding the kids that night.

I told Lee there was no issue with it. It was not a big deal to me. Lee sent back a letter saying that Halloween was not a problem. The next letter from Schultz spelled out the visitation schedule and claimed that I was not following the agreed to plan. There were various accusations, including my changing visitation days without informing her, my not showing up on time to get the kids and my not communicating with her. None of these allegations were true.

The Friday after Halloween was November 2nd and I was on my way to Becker to pick up the twins. I told Lee I wanted him on the phone with me for the entire 40-mile trip and through the pick up. I needed a witness because Jesse had become extremely unpredictable and seemed focused on making me look bad in any way she could. I knew she'd attempt to make me appear uncooperative and derelict in my duty when we got to court. It became part of my day to predict Jesse's every move. An athlete will think to themselves, "be the ball" when they want to make a shot or hit the ball. Well I had to be Jesse and think what she would do in advance of her doing it.

So all the way from Coon Rapids to Becker to pick up my boys I talked to Lee. I said to him, she's either going to cause a scene with the kids or she's going to take off before I get there. When I turBen the corner, five minutes early, I saw Jesse leaving the Ice Cream Shop. I was right.

I said, "Lee she's leaving...."

I don't know if she saw me, but after a moment Jesse decided to come back. After pulling back into the parking lot, she had run into the Ice Cream Shop again. When I pulled up to the minivan she ran out.

Getting out of my truck, I went over to the minivan and started to get the boys. After I put Kolton and Wyatt in the Expedition, Wyatt threw himself in the back of the truck and started screaming!

"Mommy said you're stupid! Mommy said you're going to kidnap us! I don't want to go. I won't see mommy again if I go!" Wyatt was totally over the edge.

With Wyatt going berserk, I looked over at Kolton. As he sat in his seat, tears started to form in his eyes and his little top lip started to quiver and curl up.

"Kolton," I asked, "what happeBen?"

"I was..." he stammered a bit and continued, "I was upstairs and mommy had Wyatt downstairs and she told him that."

I nodded and turBen to Jesse, saying, "You know, Jesse, I don't know what the hell your problem is but why did you do this to these little kids?"

"I didn't do anything," she screamed. "I didn't do anything!"

I said, "Okay, Jess, you didn't do anything but my kid is going nuts!"

Of course Lee was on the other end of my cell bearing witness to the entire event. I told Wyatt he could get out of the truck and go with his mom. I then picked up Kolton, lifted him out of the high-floored Expedition, and sat him on the ground.

Suddenly Jesse howled, "That's it! That's it! You threw him out of the truck! You threw him out of the truck. I'm calling the police! I'm calling the police! They're videotaping the whole thing inside! They saw it! They saw it! I'm calling the police!"

Then she ran into the Ice Cream Shop to call the police.

Wow, it was Shock and Awe. It was carpet-bombing in Vietnam. It was the Dresden firestorms.

I picked up the phone and asked Lee, "Did you hear that?"

"Holy shit," he exclaimed, "I knew she was a head case but that's unbelievable!"

I asked him what I should do. He told me to sit tight, talk to the police and then leave. Lee assured me he'd speak with Jesse's lawyer on Monday.

The police showed up and I explaiBen to them what happeBen. They assessed the situation and knew I was telling the truth. They asked, since I had a court order, if I wanted to take the boys with me I could.

I looked over at Wyatt and Kolton and said to the officers, "Look at my little boys. You shouldn't be here. It's wrong you're even here. Completely wrong! I don't want to go down this road with my boys feeling like the police are making them go with me. We'll deal with it in court."

The Police left. Then Jesse left with my boys. I went into the store and the clerk, a young woman, asked, "What was going on out there?"

I asked the clerk, "Did that woman come in here before?"

The clerk said, "Yeah, she ran in and said "You need to watch what going to happen outside."

I sat and talked to the clerk for a while and told her the story. The young woman listeBen and then said, "You know my mom did the same thing to me and my sister with my dad. We haven't talked to my mother in years. She's sick. To do that to little kids is just horrible."

I think maybe Wayne Schultz came to the same conclusion after Lee told him about Friday's incident. Several days later Jesse was looking for a new lawyer. How could Schultz represent someone for whom he would have to knowingly lie?

A few days later, Elizabeth Schading contacted Lee Wolf. Schading was Jesse's new attorney. With Schading, Jesse had found not just a legal representative but also someone who could directly relate to her plight. As a lawyer, Schultz had acted for his client's benefit but knew when to pull the plug.

Schading was a whole other trip. She was the dream lawyer for Jesse. "Two peas in a pod" is an understatement! Now, Jesse was armed with Minnesota Statute 518 and a lawyer with a license and no intentions nor desires to follow the Bar Association code of ethics. "Win at all costs" was Schading's motto.

And me you might ask? I was like one of Saddam's soldiers. Saddam gave his men AK-47s, but he failed to give them bullets. I had Minnesota Statute 518, an unloaded weapon in a father's fight for justice.

And thus the "battle ground" was set. There would be no prisoners.

Chapter 8

Mommy, Who's My Daddy?

The title of this chapter is not a question asked by Kolton or Wyatt. This is a query I believe my daughter, Addyson, must have rattling around in her head. I'm sure she's requested the information from Jesse.

"Mommy, who's my Daddy?" she asked.

Although we are sure who Addy's father is, some may be unsure as to his essence. Addy may certainly be one of those who are "unsure" of this information. The priLynne reason for her lack of knowledge has to do with the fact that she and I have rarely been together. Although Jesse has claimed that this is due to a lack of effort on my part, the facts do not support her contention.

Why is it that, even though Addy is my daughter, she barely seem to know me? Perhaps it's because Jesse controlled and thwarted every opportunity I had to see my daughter. Her efforts in this matter outmatched her manipulative magic she displayed with the twins. One pawn, after all, is easier to control than two. A baby can be confiBen with much less effort than a duo of toddlers or preschoolers. By withholding my daughter from me while letting me see my sons was a brilliantly simple stratagem that turBen all my visits bittersweet.

Jesse was and still is extremely calculating with all our children. However, the power play she employed with my daughter was deftly executed. Jesse supposedly documented my disinterest in Addy. I wrote "supposedly" because her petitions are rife with inaccuracies and lies.

Here's her version from a complaint filed June 10, 2002, in the State of Minnesota, County of Anoka, explaining why I have not seen Addyson. I do emphasize "her" version.

Jesse wrote: "[Don] has never taken Addyson, and he has never asked to take her. He doesn't even want to hold her. He doesn't know what to do with a baby." She added in another affidavit filed about a year later that "He has yet to even try to establish a relationship with Addy and she is now 2 years-old." After a few more paragraphs, she noted, "So far, Don has spent no time with Addy. (He did hold her in the hospital the first day she was born. We were in the hospital for three days, and he never came back. My mother had to bring us home from the hospital.) He does not offer to come over early when he picks up the boys so he can spend some time with her. He does not approach her to even say "hi" when he picks up the boys. She just had her 2nd birthday, and he did not acknowledge it in any way."

After reading these excerpts, I guess the first question to ask is—do any of these statements make sense? Before answering that question, let's consider some facts.

First, Jesse and I were never married. It's not uncommon when a pregnancy results from two unmarried people sleeping together that the guy runs off. Did I run? No. At times too, the guy may refuse to get tested to determine paternity. Did I do that? No. I initiated the testing. There are guys who disappear and never pay child support. Not only did I not do that, I consistently paid more than was expected and, at one point in 1999 as previously mentioBen, I petitioBen the court to raise the amount of my payment by double.

Many unmarried men after a few months of being denied access to their children will give up and walk away beaten, dishearteBen and disillusioBen. This is true especially when the two parents have not been married to one another and they have a rocky relationship.

The question, with it clearly established that I worked hard and long to finally get to know Kolton and Wyatt, why with regards to Addyson would I not be interested in seeing her? With the boys I fought every one of Jesse's underhanded tactics and to some degree eventually succeeded.

Doesn't it make more sense that I desperately and continually tried to see Addy just as I had with my sons, but that Jesse unrelentingly followed her long-established pattern of holding my children back from me?

Repeatedly Jesse traded me for time with my children in exchange for money. She did this directly by asking for various things, including money, cars, places to live and more. She would intentionally arrange to meet her to exchange the boys at stores with expectations that I would pay for her purchases. If I gave her what she wanted, she'd let me see the twins. When I did not buy the items she conveniently claimed the children needed she would not answer the phone the next time I called to see them. Her friend Missy called me and told me Jesse called her and said "Don owes me. He should provide for me and the children." So what did I do but pay. It was just like Pavlov's dog. Like the dog, if I touched the button, performed the required action--gave her the money, then, like the dog, I was rewarded with a treat, something I wanted--visitation. This simple stimulus/response scenario provided Jesse with benefits beyond monetary gain, primarily power.

Perhaps the ultimate example of Jesse's potential to wield her influence and control in a subhuman manner occurred when she was pregnant with little Addy. I'll never forget it. One day when I'd had it with Jesse's abuse of my rights to see my boys, I informed her that if she wouldn't let me be a part of their lives I was no longer going to allow her to drive my vehicles. I had been generously providing her with free transportation for the better part of four years at that time.

Jesse looked at me and without any compunction, totally devoid of compassion and with the determination of a German SS Officer saying "If you do that, I'll abort this kid. I'll get rid of it!" That was the beginning of August 2000 just days after we found out she was pregnant with Addy.

She was going to kill the child growing inside of her, destroy her own flesh and blood, to avenge my decision to no longer provide her with free transportation. This isn't normal. Can you believe someone would even allude to such a thing? Mothers do not make these statements. By "mother" I mean a true nurturer and caregiver. I was horrified and frighteBen when she made that statement.

It was especially disquieting because the words were delivered with the verve and dedication of an Islamic terrorist. My fate was to deal with and appease this cold-blooded, demented person. I felt I had to kowtow to protect all of my children, including the one that was unborn not withstanding my doubts to whether I would be found the father or not.

It's like in that story of Solomon when two women are brought before him and both claim to be the mother of a baby. He questions them but is unable to decide which woman is telling the truth. He orders that the baby be laid in front of him, he takes a sword, and tells the women that he will divide the child in half and each will get their child.

One of the women thinks this is a great idea. But the other woman screams, "No! Don't do it! Give the child to her. Whatever you do spare the baby's life!"

Solomon then presents the child to his real parent—the one who would rather lose that child to another person than see it butchered. The true parent would willingly endure the hardship of never seeing or holding that precious life again as long as that meant the baby would live. The woman who was not the mother, who was being vengeful, was excited about the child's demise.

When you consider this well-worn tale, who would be the true parent if Jesse and I were interpolated into the scenario? Which one would give up the thing they love the most to save it? Which of us would willingly have it ripped apart rather than allow the other person to take the child?

I'll give you a moment to answer those last two questions. I've put the answers at the bottom of this page. If you answer incorrectly put this book down and please seek the help of a traiBen therapist or a member of the clergy.

The holes in Jesse's story regarding my attempts at connecting with Addy are huge. She has made it "appear" as if I didn't want to see my daughter by changing visitation times, by taking her into the house or having the neighbor girl take her down stairs when I arrived to get the boys, and by simply not allowing me to interact with Addy in any way.

I have this wonderful picture of the twins and Addy with the Easter Bunny and it's the picture in the back pages of this book. It was taken when my daughter was less than a year old and the boys were around four-and-a-half. There the three of them are, sitting with this big, dumb person in a white and pink rabbit suit. Huge ears, two buckteeth, and fur as soft as a new baby's skin offered Kolton, Wyatt, and Addy the perfect backdrop for their group hug photo. Kolton's on one bunny knee, Wyatt's on the other, and in between them is their darling, little sister as content and happy as she could be. It's perfect. And so much of life is not that way. It's messy, uneven and debilitating. But when I look at that Easter photograph it makes all the crap Jesse put me through worthwhile. Why?

There's something about children just enjoying a simple moment in life that takes you back to your own childhood. The times when you felt protected and safe because you knew your mom and dad loved and cared about you. Looking at the twins as they hold their sister, I think "Yes, they're a part of my family; they are my family!" And then I have to wonder, why are they being kept away from me? Why is their mother using them? Since when did kids become Weapons of Mass Destruction, with one parent using them against the other? The kids certainly didn't choose to be used that way.

As a parent you don't like to think your kids have the deck stacked against them. But especially in the situation I found myself in, that thought penetrated my mind frequently. Consider what their mother is teaching them on a daily basis; lying is an everyday occurrence that you use to your benefit. If, as Jesse has done, you lie at anytime to get anything you want, when will my kids start thinking that's okay for them to do the same?

My kids have exposed their mother's dishonest statements again and again. I'm glad they know it's wrong to not tell the truth. When Jesse talks to me over the phone, more times than not, Kolton and Wyatt are listening.

One day they revealed to me when we were driving from Becker to Coon Rapids, "Daddy mommy always lies to you on the phone all the time."

Many times the lies were just plain statements that have no validity at all. You know, I may ask a question and Jesse will simply not give a truthful answer. Like I might inquire about her day by asking, "Will the kids be there when I come over?" She'd answer "yes." When I arrive to get them, she's off to Michigan or some other place with them. Why would she lie about that? Habit? Yes.

Will I have enough time with them to counteract that negative influence? What about Addy? Like my boys, I've missed her first words and steps. Then there is their mother's basic inability to tell the truth and simultaneously accuse others of lying. This behavior has no limits where she will call her own children liars when they actually tell the truth.

She's been caught doing this numerous times. On July 11, 2001, I stopped by Jesse's house in Becker to see the kids. She'd been driving a pickup truck that I let her use. I gave it to her to drive after she and her mother used their "charm," better known as "strong-arm tactics" in other circles, to persuade me. Jesse had a reputation for abusing my vehicles and I'd asked her many times to make sure the tailgate was up and locked in position unless she was loading something into the back. The problem with keeping a tailgate down was you'd tend to forget it was in that position, when extended it added a few feet to the back of the pickup. Those few feet often result in another driver running into the back of it or the absent-minded driver backing into something. In the end, it is an almost impossible dent to repair.

When I arrived at the house that day, I noticed the tailgate was down. As I walked over to lock it in the up position, I was saying to Jesse, "You cannot have the tailgate down." I lifted the piece of metal up and was struck dumb. There was already a dent in it! I wanted to know how it had gotten there.

"Jesse," I said a bit annoyed, "I told you not to drive with this down! Now look what happeBen?"

"I don't know how that happeBen!" she said, surprise making her voice crack a bit. "I didn't do it."

"You don't know?" I asked.

"That's right," she explaiBen.

Then my two four year old boys in chorus said, "Mommy backed into Randy's worker truck!"

Immediately Jesse blurted out, "I did not! They don't know!"

I looked at her and said, "Are you telling me those two boys just lied in unison?"

What could she say? What were the chances of that happening? I couldn't believe she wouldn't simply admit what happeBen! There is really nothing wrong with the truth in this situation. The damage wouldn't have mattered really if she'd just admitted that she's made a mistake; she'd left the tailgate down.

I said to her, "You're driving my truck around without any care as to what I wanted and to top it off you're calling my kids... your kids liars. You're not getting this truck anymore."

I was out of there. I did leave the truck however. What did Jesse do? She claimed she went and got it fixed. About an hour after I left there was a message on my machine in which apparently Jesse defied the laws of physics and time by traveling from her house in Becker to the town of St. Francis and back again. While she was in St. Francis she saw a friend of Stephanie's who Jesse claimed made a positive impression on the tailgate's negative impression. He also analyzed the damage and said, "The dent couldn't have happeBen from you backing into someone, someone had to back into you."

Well for all of you interested in time-travel, in order to go from Becker to St. Francis, have someone work on the tailgate, and then go back to Becker and make a phone call—let's put it this way, H.G. Wells or Richard Lucas better be helping you out. But that was her story. Jesse took what amounted to a 35 minute travel in each direction with a repair job in between and condensed it into an hour. Amazing!

What really happeBen? Jesse found a hammer, pounded on the tailgate for about forty-five minutes, and then called and left her fabricated story on my answering machine. And guess who saw and heard her do all of this? And guess who runs the extreme risk of modeling that same behavior when they grow up? The answer to both questions is Kolton, Wyatt, and Addy.

It's obvious that Jesse had a problem telling the truth. Hell Pinocchio has nothing on this girl! She is driven to control and influence every **familial** situation for power and money. Here are some questions to consider regarding this barracuda of the free lunch.

Does she have any love in her heart? Does she possess a spiritual soul? Does she own a social conscience? Feel free to answer each of these questions in any order you care to. I've made up my mind. Perhaps getting some insight into a situation she commonly created will help you come to a conclusion concerning Jesse's heart, soul and conscience? (Do you really need any help?)

Whenever she deigBen to give me a chance to see my twins, Jesse always did two things. The first is well known. You've already read about how she'd try to poison the boys with false fears about visiting their dad. She'd say that I was going to kidnap them, abandon them or that I didn't want to see them. She exposed them to horrendous pressure, implanting the worst kind of ideas in their fragile psyches. That happeBen before I got them. It was the opener for the main act.

Once I had Wyatt and Kolton with me, Jesse raised the stakes by interrupting my personal and private time with them. We'd get to my place, start to play, and pretty soon the three of us were having fun. Better yet, I was getting a chance to talk to them, laugh with them, teach them and learn from them. It was always a piece of heaven in a slice of time until my phone rang.

"Hello?" I said.

"Can I talk to Kolton?" asked Jesse.

"Okay," I answered. Then I called for Kolton, "Hey, Kolton it's mom. She wants to talk to you."

Kolton took the phone and spoke to his mom for a while but not too long because he wanted to get back to our activity, whatever we were doing at that point. Then Wyatt talked to her. Her speaking with both boys had little to do with mom wanting to make sure both were okay. It had everything to do with interrupting our time together and cutting it short. This incident was similar to many.

Wyatt hung up. He'd usually be kind of quiet after a call. We'd play. I'd joke with Wyatt, trying to loosen him up. It worked to a degree. Kolton didn't seem as distracted. They're fraternal twins but they've got very different personalities. Kolton's more even-tempered, and he's also less anxious. Wyatt's behavior can be over-the-top, and he's definitely more vulnerable. Of course Jesse knew this, and she'd use it to destroy the time I'd have and deserved to have with the twins.

A few moments went by and then my phone rang again.

Picking it up, I said "Hello?" I handed it to Kolton and said, "It's mom!"

We were sitting on the couch watching a cartoon. Kolton spoke with his mom a moment and then handed the phone to Wyatt. Wyatt was sitting next to me on the couch. After a moment or two I heard Wyatt say, "Okay, mom." With that he got off the couch and walked upstairs, all the time he was still talking to Jesse.

After about a minute, Wyatt was back downstairs and instead of rejoining us at the TV he said, "I want to go home."

I grabbed the phone and asked Jesse what had happeBen.

"Wyatt just wants to come home," she answered.

What could I do? If I tried to make him stay, I ran the risk of frightening and alienating him. I really didn't want him to go but I got their stuff together and we piled into the truck.

The truck was pretty quiet. Nobody was saying very much. It was a big contrast to the energy of a few minutes earlier, just prior to the last phone call. I really couldn't understand why Wyatt, who was having such a great time, suddenly wanted to go home.

I asked him, "Wyatt, can you tell me why you want to go home."

He sat there. Kolton looked over at him.

I continued, "Don't lie to dad. If you really want to go home, that's fine."

Still nothing was being said.

Then I asked, "Did you want to go home or did mom ask you to come home?"

Finally he said, "Mommy wanted me to come home."

"Okay," I said. "You know, Wyatt, mommy told me you wanted to come home."

"No Daddy," he answered, "she wanted me to come home."

We pulled into Jesse's driveway, I got the boy's and their overnight stuff out and shepherded them into the house. Seeing Jesse, I decided candor would be a good way of getting to the truth and finally understanding what was going on. I told her what Wyatt said.

"I never asked Wyatt to come home! He told me he wanted to come home," she defended.

Wyatt looked straight at her and told the truth by saying, "Mommy, you lie!"

Jesse began yelling, saying her child was a liar and that I didn't know what I was talking about! I'm thinking, "What a way to wreck a party?" I didn't want to argue and I didn't want to upset the kids so I left.

Once again she'd denied my right to see my boys. The behavior intruded upon my rights and the needs of my children. And then there's the psychological effect on the boys regarding their perceptions about life, their parents, truth, and more. How would you like to have your mother call you a liar every time you told a truth that got her in trouble? What would you learn to do? Maybe the lesson would be something like: Don't bother to tell the truth it will only get you in trouble. The best thing to do is simply deny, deny, deny until the lie becomes reality.

For years I had tried to use mediation in dealing with Jesse. Our lawyers would work out a visitation schedule and rules and we would both agree. However, when Jesse refused to adhere to that piece of paper and I told her that she was breaking our agreement, she had one simple response.

"It's not a court order so I have no legal obligation to follow it," was her retort.

She was correct—she did not have a "legal" obligation to follow what we had mutually said would work. But she did have another type of obligation regarding our mediation agreement.

It's called a "moral" obligation. Then again I've never heard Jesse use that word "moral". I don't believe the concept exists in her world. And without moral constraints every moment, action and word that's not directly controlled by the law is without any foundation. The contexts it is used in is up for grabs. There are no rules guiding any person who doesn't have a moral conscience.

In Jesse's world it's a kamikaze, blitzkrieg, shock and awe mentality when it comes to getting your way, controlling a situation and achieving ultimate power. It's war without rules. It's the legal system of the Old West. It's Machiavelli's, The Prince, in practice.

Well if "Might made right" in Jesse's world as it did in Machiavelli's book then I was going to have to arm myself for bear. I had a moral obligation to my children to insure they would become honest, hard-working citizens. And when I say "children," I mean Addy too, my little girl who I could not get near despite my efforts. Would she become another Jesse, who had become another Lynne? There was a madness that had to be stopped.

Since nothing was going to happen without it, I decided to bring on the law. I needed justice both legal and moral.

Boy, was I naïve.

No Addy, this is not your Daddy!

Chapter 9

Proof is in the Pudding/Documents

This chapter is oh so important, not just to me but more importantly, to a system and it's never ending failures and inadequacies. Even more importantly, it is important to illustrate the complete failure that it has forever bestowed upon my children. Time and memories that have been stolen from my children and me can never be replaced.

When most say, "It is family law, people never tell the truth." I say "It's not just family law, it's about my children and they mean much more to me than oh well that's just the way it is." And for those of you that say this, there is little doubt that you have an agenda other than the best interest of children.

I in no way can show each and every document in my case. The file is over 24 inches thick. However, you should easily be able assume that the balance of documents, tape recordings and voicemails would undoubtedly comport with my assertions.
Chapter 10

Lawyers and Scruples = Dewey, Cheatem, and Howe

I was in the middle of a situation that nobody wants to be in but that everybody loves to watch from a distance. For thousands of years, people have enjoyed hearing about, seeing and sometimes being a part of what some people call the "eternal triangle." I got this idea about the "eternal triangle" from a guy I know. Even though it's simple when you think about it, it's also very powerful.

It can be traced back to ancient Athens' storytelling and stage presentations. You can see it today in everything from the latest Pulitzer Prize winning play to this week's hottest Reality TV show. Here's how it works. Take three people: Father, Mother and Child. Let's say the Father and Mother aren't together and Mother has custody of the Child. Father desperately wants to see that child but Mother won't let him unless he gives her something. Here's the power of the triangle: whatever any one person in that particular relationship does, it affects the other two in but in opposite ways.

Father, Mother and Child are each points on the triangle. It looks like this:

Mom

Child Dad

If Father wants to see his Child, Mother says to him, "Sure, but I need $1,000. Give me that and you can see Timmy." If Father doesn't hand over the cash, he doesn't get to see the Child he loves. He gets depressed, desperate and angry. That's one person affected. Also, Timmy is affected because he doesn't see his Father, who he misses a lot. Timmy gets depressed, lonely and upset. Mother is affected too because she doesn't get the money and may not be able to do something she either _wants_ to or needs to do. Mom is angry, anxious and frustrated.

Now let's say that Father gives Mother the thousand bucks. Once again, everyone is affected. Father gets to see his Child, the most important person in his world. Timmy spends time with Father and feels fantastic about having a dad. Mother has the cash, which is all she wanted in the first place, and can go and do whatever she has to do while being free of her Child for a bit.

  * Do these scenarios sound familiar? Not only are they a classic story telling technique, two people being affected differently by the actions of another, but also they are a part of our daily lives. If an unmarried person has an affair and, due to their indiscretion, loses their job, that's a bad situation. However, consider this: what if that same person is married and has their first kid on the way? Now that affair and the firing affect the worker differently, plus they affect another person and a person-to-be-born later. One other power that the Eternal Triangle has is to affect each person differently. In the Mother, Father, Child situation if Father gives the money the following may be true: Father's happy to be with Timmy but angry with Mother because she's held the child for ransom.

  * Mother's happy to have the money but paranoid and jealous because Timmy is with Father.

  * Timmy is excited to be with Father, but he's worried about how his Mother feels.

Triangles are simple but powerful. It's not like a circle. Circle's roll freely like tires on your car, there's no resistance. You ever try driving with triangular tires on your vehicle? I didn't think so. There's a reason for that. What you can take away from this is that we hate a bumpy ride in our own lives, but find conflict fascinating when it happens to someone else.

In my life I had more than one triangle and that meant a lot of complications. (This happens in fiction too—more triangles often equates to a more complex and interesting story.) There was the obvious one: Jesse, the kids, and me. But there were many others including: Jesse's mom, Jesse's boyfriends (just insert the member-du Jour of that club, I know she did) and Jesse's other family members. Jesse. These triangles are a storyteller's dream but for the person who is living them, they are a nightmare.

The triangles in my life were about to become more complicated. First there was Jesse's replacement lawyer, the first stringer in the quest to cause misery in other people's lives, Elizabeth Schading. When Ms. Schading first contacted my lawyer after she replace Jesse's first attorney who felt he could no longer represent her, Schading she made it abundantly clear that I was going to have to refocus my life.

Schading said to Lee, my attorney, "Now, Mr. McPhail is just going to have to realize that there is not going to be any relationship with my client."

Lee's answer was, "I don't think we have to worry about my client wanting any type of relationship with yours."

I was going to have to forget about "marrying her?" Marrying her?! My God, I didn't want to be in the same room with that woman!

Attorney Schading was an ambulance chaser of a different color. She was not looking for people who claimed to be whiplash victims; she was interested in clients, preferably women, who claimed to be heartbreak victims. She fought for supposed justice for women who have given everything to their man only to be dissed, dismissed and deposed. Of course, whether or not that had actually happeBen didn't appear to be of concern to Elizabeth Schading. I think the fact that she had been through a divorce may have tinted her glasses a bit making her see red (revenge) and green (money) at the same time. To her, justice seemed to involve any story a female client told her that would result in her winning in court while she emasculated her adversary and raped the law.

That may seem a little harsh to you, but actually I think I'm being pretty nice to Jesse's lawyer. She has been through a divorce that I am sure was very tough. There is a human reason for her becoming humane: revenge. At least I don't see her as being totally evil and black-hearted.

As we stumbled our way towards our court date a few things occurred. First there was the Disney World trip. Jesse called and left me a message in January 2002 wanting to take the kids to Disney World as a family because her sister Stephanie was going with her kids. Now the fact was, quite simply, I did not want to spend any more time than I had to with Jesse. However, life is not that cut and dry especially with the Eternal Triangle in place.

Right now, in the movie of my life, that scary music should start playing, as it's gets real dark and everyone starts shouting, "Don't do it! Run! What're you crazy?" I didn't run because I knew that if Jesse were there, she would bring Addy with her. That meant I could start to get to know my daughter, spending more time with her in one week than I had spent with her for the entire, short time she had been on this earth,

I said that would be fine. The trip was scheduled for March 2002. Then I got a call from Jesse's sister, Stephanie, the one who actually held a job and seemed to possess some morals. As my kids grew, so too did my connection with Stephanie. This was due to the fact she was slowly beginning to understand exactly how manipulative her sister was being. With that knowledge, Stephanie seemed to have a moral conscience that pushed her to get in touch with me in order to insure the truth was known.

When Stephanie called me in March, a few weeks before the planBen Disney World trip, she said she had some important news. That was when she informed me that Jesse was taking money for respite care without providing any services. In fact, Stephanie asked me if I had been paying Jesse her child support because Jesse claimed I hadn't been. I informed her that I was giving Jesse checks for $750 or more twice a month like clock work. Stephanie informed me that she had begun billing the county $1,000 a month for Jesse for respite care. I asked Stephanie why she was billing the hours when Jesse wasn't working for it. She said Jesse needed the money.

It was ironic that Stephanie called me, since by telling me what had happeBen, she was implicating herself. As she confessed that she had set up Jesse as a fraudulent caregiver, it became clear to me exactly how proficient Jesse was at manipulating her own family to connive, lie and cheat for her. Stephanie had set up the front because Jesse had been complaining excessively about not having any money and about being desperate for funds. She didn't want her sister and the kids to be in such dire straits.

So with this new information from Stephanie I called Jesse and confronted her with the truth and told her that she was not going on the trip. Even though I knew what that meant for my kids, that other point on the triangle, that they would also not be going to the land of Mickey, Donald and Goofy with me. I could not let my love for my children be ransomed by this person who possessed no scruples and no compunction about abusing the trust of her own sister! Of course she had also been exploiting my good nature once again.

However, I know now why Jesse's April 2002 affidavit stated the $1000 income for respite care is because she knows that is the figure Stephanie told me. And according to the document in this book that I found in county records she was actually getting $2500 or so a month and not earning it. This is both shameful and fraudulent as well as a continual pattern in Jesse's life.

It was about a month and a half later that I noticed Jesse had a sizeable growth on one of her fingers. I happeBen to see it one day when I was picking up Wyatt and Kolton. As I was putting them into my truck a piercing, shaft of light struck me in the eyes. A laser beam? An abnormal reflection of gasses rises from the sun? A big diamond engagement ring on Jesse's left ring finger? Bingo! Biiiiinnngggggoooooo! It was pure pleasure to me. Maybe she would be jumping off the McPhail Cash Machine. Not so fast! I was only dreaming.

Jesse was engaged. She'd been seeing this fellow named Steve and it was apparent to me that Steve had sunk a whole lot of money into some prenuptial jewelry or so I once again thought. See Jesse never gave me back the $4600 engagement ring I gave her. Jesse with all her moral fiber claimed she didn't have to give it back. I guess her thinking was similar to that of her repeated demands for me to pay for a breast enlargement for her. She claimed that she had breast fed the boys and her boobs sagged so I owed it to her.

Nevertheless, this was not a ring pop, something out of a cereal box or even Cubic Zirconium. This was a real, GOOD sized, engagement rock. They may have traded up for the new one.

So seeing it, I said in my happiest voice, "Hey, look at that! Congratulations! You're getting married."

The stammering started instantly and was Jesse trying to play both points of that triangle,—this time Steve and me.

"Well," she said (it was as if she were treading water with razors cuts in shark infested waters) "it's... Oh, no. It's not happening for a long time. We're not getting married for a long time!"

"That's right," I said to myself, "You don't want to lose any of my money by actually getting married."

I was hopeful that Jesse would make it legal with Steve. I figured then maybe they'd want more time together and I'd get to be with my kids more often. Newlyweds, you'd think, would desire a decent amount of alone time.

After Jesse's repeated denial of any soon-to-be blood tests and vows, I secured the boys in my truck, got behind the steering wheel, and started to pull out. Then, seemingly out of nowhere, Kolton says, "Steve, he's a dummy, isn't he Daddy?"

Wow! Kids are always watching and listening. Not only that, they are smart and funny! I just cracked up. In fact Kolton, Wyatt and I had a good, hard laugh. We all knew it was the truth. We were still laughing pretty darn hard when Jesse pulled up next to us on the way out of the parking lot where she had just dropped off the twins. Suddenly my cell rang.

"Hello?" I said.

Jesse's voices came through demanding, "What are you laughing about? What's so funny?"

"Oh," I said with tears rolling down my cheeks, "the boys just said something funny. You know how kids are."

"Right?" she muddled.

As I hung up, I tried to control my laughter so I could drive. But Kolton kept saying, "Steve is a dummy, Daddy," and that truth created more laughter.

One day the boys had a question for me about their mom. She had been doing her usual song and dance about money and when Kolton and Wyatt were along with me one of them said, "Daddy, you have a job. Aunt Stephanie has a job. Everybody else has a job. Why doesn't Mommy have a job?"

Yes, that was literally the $100,000 question. And if my little boys picked up on that, why didn't their mom? Hey, Jesse, why don't you have a job? I didn't tell them this but it was evident that "Mommy" didn't have a job because she preferred inheriting her money on a weekly or monthly basis from people who were alive and working. There is no need to work when everyone else will do it for you.

I want to make it clear that I never said those things to my boys. I made it a point to never say anything negative about their mom to them. I didn't think that was fair to them, to her or to their relationship.

Just before we were due to go to court, I found out something more disturbing than anything I'd heard before about my kids' mom. Stephanie wanted to give me a heads up. Why did she keep contacting me? I think she was tired of being duped by Jesse and outraged at the temerity of her sister and her sister's husband-to-be, Steve.

Stephanie was concerBen by recent conversations that Jesse and Steve had had while downing some brews at a local bar in the town of St. Francis. I had just sold my sports bar and made some money on it, but not as much as Jesse thought. For quite some time I'd practically been an absentee owner due to the fact that I'd lost a lot of energy and drive during my elongated battle with Jesse. Things had become so bad that I'd sunk deep into depression and often considered killing myself. The most important people in my life, my children, were being kept away from me on a daily basis and there seemed to be no end in sight.

This war had gone on for more than four years and in that time I had spent less time at my business and instead a whole lot of time dealing with, and being compromised by, depression. Selling the bar seemed to be the right thing to do. I would then have some time to get myself together, refocused and re-energized. In time I could parlay the proceeds from the sale of my bar into a new venture. Hopefully it would be a business that was a little less stressful and time consuming.

Stephanie called me after talking to her boyfriend who had been sitting in a bar with Jesse and Steve. Stephanie claimed Jesse and Steve bragged about how they were going to get half of the proceeds from the sale of my bar. Jesse was talking about the fact that she was going to use some of the money to pay for a breast enlargement. Stephanie's boyfriend got very upset because both Steve and Jesse were giddily gloating over what they saw as their big score. He could not believe that Steve, who had been through exactly what I was going through, was acting like Jesse. He had no compassion for another dad. "It was like," Stephanie's boyfriend noted, "they were both sick." Jesse was preparing for her day in court and she was going to snare as much money as she could.

Jesse's plan was distressful on its own merit. But what bothered me even more was Steve's attitude. He'd walked in my shoes. I thought he would have some empathy. But it turBen out he was a gold digger just like his fiancée.

Steve had forgotten where he had come from, while also being unable to see where he was going. When you forget history, the way Steve apparently had, or when you simply don't pay attention to it you're doomed to lose your way. I had to wonder if Steve, who was about to marry Jesse and give her a house, had any idea what could happen if things went sour with his new love. Would he be on the outside looking in because Jesse claimed he hit her? Was he just like Kolton said "Steve's a Dummy. Dad, isn't he?" I don't think Steve really new what he was getting into when he bought that ring and was preparing to say "I do."

But, I knew what was happening. Jesse had found a new meal ticket. With the selling of my bar, she thought that she was about to lose the stability she had gaiBen from my cash flow. You know what I mean by "cash flow:" the cash that flowed out from the hard work I had done and flowed into the hands of the woman who had a monopoly on my children's time. And you thought monopolies were outlawed? Not when it comes to raising a child in a home that does not have an intact family. Certainly not true in Minnesota.

Minnesota encourages motherly monopolies. Which, I believe creates a sympathetic entitled class: mothers without husbands. Notice I said, "mothers without _husbands_ " and not "children without fathers." When you think about it the fact that one parent is favored so much more than the other really makes no sense. This is especially true in our society where each parent is usually expected to contribute _equally_ to his/her child's welfare.

"Equally:" that's a good word. It means "in an identical or uniform way," "to the same degree or extent" or "in parts or amounts of the same size." Equality is good. That is, it's good if and when it exists.

So Jesse had latched onto her next victim, Steve. But she was determiBen to insure she could bleed as much from me as was inhumanely possible. Of course she continued to withhold visitation, dangle the possibility of it and occasionally grant me visitation with the boys. Addy was another story. Addy was more than a daughter to Jesse; she was collateral, and she was four additional years on the Child Support payment plan. Jesse's sister Stephanie had it right when she said, "Don, there would have been no Addy if Jesse didn't think she was going to get more child support."

Although it turBen out that Jesse was less than two months from moving in with Steve (she knew this; I did not), she continued her phone campaign against me. She'd call and say the kid's were going to be homeless, they had no food and "I hope you can look in the mirror at yourself." This was all because I was taking her to court for visitation rights and to lower my child support payments to a more equitable level due to less income after selling the bar. She continued to unabashedly use these children in her lies and tirades. She fed her lawyer untruths and her lawyer used every ruse she could to make my legal representative look incompetent and me uncooperative.

There were delays, attempts to cancel the court date in lieu of mediation and requests for more and more information concerning my monetary state. Jesse and Elizabeth Schading were partners in this guerilla war against my basic rights.

As stated earlier, there was the night after Jesse and I had it out over the phone, when Jesse's warm-hearted, benevolent mother Lynne called me and said; "A person like you should put a gun in their mouth and pull the trigger! And I'll supply the bullet and the gun for you."

Mom Jacobson was always a generous soul. But even I thought providing both the bullet and the gun were just a bit too kind and generous.

Even Steve tried to help out by offering me some sage advice. When I would come over to get the twins, he would walk out of the house looking very thoughtful and concerBen. Obviously his years of experience led him to counsel me to do the right thing. What was the right thing?

"Look, Don," he said, "I don't know why you don't sell your home and just pay her more money. Then you wouldn't have any problems seeing your kids."

Of course the problems with my kids had nothing to do with the upcoming court date. It had everything to do with how Jesse, Steve and Lynne talked about money, the suit and me in front of my kids. You'd think there'd be a law against instilling fear in your kids through gross lies. Isn't that a form of domestic terrorism?

Well Lee and I decided to go for mediation. We both thought let's give this one more try. It may have seemed foolish. But, it was not as foolish as it appeared to be. We didn't cancel our court date. We were hanging onto that just in case.

I'd learBen one thing in all my dealings with Jesse. After all of the manipulations of visitation times, the unrelenting phone calls, the mutual agreements that were turBen around to make me look like a bad father, the bogus pleas for money and every other way Jesse altered reality, truth, and facts, I now knew that I needed to heed the acronym CYA. Lee and I kept the approaching court date on the docket, just in case. And I finally got an understanding of how triangles really worked.

Chapter 11

Judge Hayes in a Haze

It was early fall 2002 and we were waiting for our court date, October 8th. Although Jesse was comfortably living with Steve by this time, I was still having trouble trying to see my kids. As the hearing date approached, Jesse's attorney contacted Lee, my attorney saying that they would agree to the reduced child support and visitation requests as long as we went to mediation.

The problem was it was a few weeks of good with Jesse and then a whole lot of bad. The inconsistency finally drove me in August to cut my child support payments myself. I was tired of Jesse's blatant disregard for my rights with the children. I came to the conclusion that if Jesse was going to play this ransom game with me, I was finally going to give her some of her own medicine. Giving her $1,500 a month was not in the cards while she was playing her games. I don't think Jesse ever thought I would turn the deck around on her.

I finally agreed to try mediation prior to the court date. We were scheduled to meet, Jesse, a mediator and I, on September 26th. That was a Thursday. On the Tuesday the 24th Lee got a call from Elizabeth Schading saying that Jesse could not make it to the mediation. She had a conflict. We had to change the date. I didn't believe that it had to be moved for a minute. I knew something was going on. I didn't want to drop the court date. So Lee said he would work at getting a new date prior to the October court time.

Within an hour of that phone call Jesse rang me.

"Don, I have a plan," she said in her best cajoling voice. "I have this idea. Here's the deal. How about, Don, you can see the kids whenever you want. You can pick them up every Friday and if they want to stay until Sunday. That's fine. That's not a problem at all. I'll agree to that."

"Jesse," I replied, "that's just fine. But it still doesn't take care of the child support issue. I'm not making as much now that I don't have the bar and it has to be lowered. Fifteen hundred a month is a lot of money."

"Oh, I know what you mean," she said with empathy, "I just got laid off from my respite care job." (I later discovered she called and quit.) She went on to say, "You know Don, all I'm concerBen about is having enough money to pay for the kids' stuff. You know pay for their school lunches. Things like that."

I said, "Well no matter what, Jesse, we have to go into court to get this squared away."

"I understand," she said. "You can have Lee draft the agreement and I'll sign it."

So I called Lee back and his feeling was that the idea Jesse came up with was fine, but that she also needed to terminate her lawyer and send a letter to Lee stating that she had done that. Lee didn't want any midnight maneuvering here, which we know both Jesse and Schading were capable of doing.

I called Jesse back and informed her of the need to jettison her attorney.

She replied, "Okay. Did you cancel the court hearing?"

"No," I said. "I'm not going to cancel the hearing until everything is done. You have to make sure your lawyer knows you don't need her services anymore."

"I understand," she said, "I told you, I understand."

"Lee said that has to happen. I mean just think of the legal fees," I said to her. "Do you know what this is costing me?"

"Oh, I know!" she said quickly. "My fees alone, right now, are over $7,000."

"Look, Jess," I said, "if you're willing to terminate Schading and get this mediation done then I'll pay your legal fees up to that point. Then we can be done with this. We establish when I see the kids and it's all set."

"Okay, just call him up and have him do it. And I'll agree to it." Jesse said.

I phoBen Lee and informed him that he could set the ball in motion; it looked like we were copasetic. Wisely, Lee did not yet cancel the hearing.

Why was I buying Jesse's newfound connection to logical thought and honesty? In the back of my mind, I figured Steve had taken over. I thought that he was being a voice of reason because, despite the fact that in that bar that night he had expressed grand plans of capturing all this money from me, he finally realized it was getting too expensive and wasn't worth the risk.

Jesse called me two days later. The mediation had been moved to October 9th, the day after the court hearing.

"Don, I thought we weren't going to court before we go to mediation? You need to cancel the court date," she said.

"What if something doesn't go right? What if the mediation gets cancelled?"

She assured me that wouldn't occur. She kept the pressure on to get rid of the hearing. Finally, with the new mediation date set, I called Lee and simply told him to move or cancel the date of the hearing. I just wanted to act in good faith and to get this thing finally settled. Lee only moved the date but didn't cancel it.

That Friday I picked up the twins and we had a great weekend. I brought them back on Sunday and everything was fine until Tuesday rolled along. Apparently Jesse's lawyer had received notification from Lee that the hearing had been moved to December. After Elizabeth called Jesse and informed her of the change in court dates, Jesse phoBen me. Wow, was she ever singing a different tune from the one she'd been warbling less than twenty-four hours before.

"I've got to know now," she whiBen, "if you're giving me my money! It's over $3,000! I am sinking like a goddamn ship. Kolton needs dental surgery and Steve says he's not going to pay for it! He said he's not going to marry me! He's sick of this! I'm losing my truck and I owe Stephanie $600 and she wants it today!"

"Jesse, first and foremost, I made the change in child support," I calmly stated.

"You can't do that!" she said to me.

"You can't hold my kids back from me the way you have in the past," I said.

"You can go to jail for not paying me!" she said.

"You can lose your children for not letting me see them," I told her. "Now play by the rules!"

"I don't care," she screamed at me.

"Jesse," I said, "You don't need $1,500 a month to raise those children."

"Fifteen-hundred ain't shit," she shouted back.

"Isn't what?" I had to laugh. "Fifteen-hundred pays every bill in your house and puts money into the cabin you guys are building. I found out about that cabin, Jesse."

It was a classic Jesse ploy. She got me to change the hearing, she even got me to commit to pay her lawyer fees and she got me to trust her.

Now, "Turn on a dime" Jesse is down my throat for the part of the agreement that she doesn't like. I hung up on her. Now I'm glad I recorded that phone call just like many others with her and her sister.

So October 9th rolls around and we met for our mediation date.

"Don," she grabbed me just before we met with the mediator, "we can work all of this out right here. We do not need a court date."

"Look, Jesse, how many times do we have to walk down this road? The fact is there's already a court order that states I'm to have 'frequent and liberal visitation.' The only thing the order doesn't do is spell out the number of days. How's that been working?" I demanded.

Inside with the mediator we started to determine visitation specifics, things like events where Jesse and her family did a big celebration such as Easter. It made sense for the kids to be with her for that time. I requested more but ended up with seven days in the summer with my children. Things were moving along pretty nicely.

We then came to setting the child support payments. The mediator noted that she had to have financial records from me.

"No problem," I told her. "I'll get them right to you. But the fact is I don't make the type of money that I used to. One of the reasons for that is that lady sitting across from me. She's put me through a lot fiscally and mentally. And I'm done. I'm worn out."

The mediator asked that I make up the difference between what I had been paying ($1,500) and what I reduced it to ($776) over the past few months. After making up the difference I'd then pay $776 a month. That would mean I'd give Jesse a little over $2,328 but then pay half from then on.

The mediator then suggested we come back at the end of the month and work out everything else. At that point is was clear that Jesse simply wanted to get out of there. She had been awarded $2,328, a good score for the day, and had places to be.

"I've got to run," she said, "I've got to run!"

The mediator asked me when I could give her the money.

"I'll get it to her tomorrow," I replied.

Jesse later asked if I could meet her at the clinic the next day to pay her. So the next day, at Jesse's request, I drove to meet her just outside clinic in order to give her the money. Stephanie showed up first and asked if I knew why her sister was going to the clinic. I didn't. She told me to call her later and she'd tell me.

Jesse showed up, I gave her the check for $2,328 and she went in the clinic leaving the kids with Stephanie.

Later that evening I rang Stephanie and she informed me that Jesse was at the clinic to get a mole removed.

"Why a mole removed?" I asked.

"So next week," Stephanie revealed, "she can get her breasts enlarged."

"What?" Man, I just about jumped out of my skin I was so shocked. "Jesse told me," I went on, "that Kolton desperately needed dental surgery and she owed you money. For God's sake I've got a letter from the dentist saying Kolton needs crucial dental surgery."

"Don, you know what the plan was. Steve and Jesse were going to have you pay to have her breasts done. And this is how they made it happen."

You might wonder how $2,328 pays for a breast enlargement, it doesn't, does it? But remember the $2,500 a month she was bilking the county fraudulently for supposed respite work. Well that check just came in the end of September and at the end of every month for the last 14 months or more. I was really beginning to realize how much Jesse cared for her children. So much so, that her chest was about to grow at a 1970's inflationary level, while their little savings accounts would never see a dime. No pun intended to all you economists.

That weekend I had the boys the entire time, just like Jesse promised. A few days later on Wednesday, my next day with the twins, I called and called and called. But I could not get Jesse or anyone to answer. I wasn't scheduled to see Kolton and Wyatt until the following Wednesday.

That day when I picked them up the boys I asked them where they were the week prior when they told me that their mom had undergone surgery because, "Mommy no want her boobs spongy no more. She has stitches from here to here." Kolton said, as he ran his little innocent finger from the left side of his chest to the right side. This wasn't just a breast implant this was a size "34 G" breast implant.

What happeBen was Jesse didn't want me to see her swollen up. I let it go. I didn't make a big deal about it. The next weekend when I arrived to get the kids Jesse wanted to know what I was doing there. Remember she said at mediation that I could pick them up every weekend and if they wanted to stay both nights that would be fine, that she understood the deal. Jesse's magic at work again.

"It's my weekend," I told her.

"No," she replied. "You had them two days the other weekend."

"Jesse," I tried to calmly make my point, "do you remember what we agreed to?"

She wouldn't hear it. Why not? There were two reasons. First, Lee had only moved the court date; it had not been cancelled. Second, she now had her boob job thanks to my children's money, and Anoka Counties' good will gesture of free respite care money. A boob gets a boob job—how appropriate!

It's around the end of October and we were headed back in a few days for another round of mediation when I got a call from my attorney.

"Don, Jesse won't be coming to mediation," he said.

"What?" I exclaimed.

"She says she's uncomfortable because you threateBen her at the last one," he said.

"What?" I asked very loudly.

"Jesse and her lawyer want to go to court," he explaiBen.

"Lee, I didn't threaten her," I said defending myself.

"I called the mediator and she... well, laughed at the accusation," Lee said. "She said you never threateBen her and were completely cooperative and that you basically gave into everything she wanted."

Let's look at this fiscally. I paid Jesse $2,328 after the mediation. I paid the initial fees for mediation, which was $540. And follow up fees to the mediator totaled $234 not to mention more fees for all the calls made by Lee to get the truth. Grand total for this scheme was at least $2,891 and she still refused to follow the visitation schedule to which we had agreed.

We had a hearing set for December 17, 2002. We presumably had a mediated agreement concerning the kids and me, but Jesse often didn't follow it. Thanksgiving 2002 I had the boys. When I think about how little I saw them, something like Thanksgiving just didn't seem real. It was too fast, too fleeting and too rare to really be enjoyed. In other words, I always knew it wouldn't last. But it was great fun to be with them and the rest of my family.

On the drive back to Jesse's the fun stopped when my phone rang. It was Jesse with an unusual request. She asked me to switch weekends with her on December 7th. She wanted the boys on my weekend. I told her it seemed to me like she was trying to set it up so she would have Christmas with the kids. That was supposed to be my holiday. So I said no to changing weekends.

"Well tough shit," she said, "I'm taking that weekend. Steve and I are getting married."

"Jesse, couldn't you plan your marriage around the time you know I'm not supposed to have the boys?" I asked.

"There's no court order," she said. Now, Jesse is the girl that stated in all her sworn affidavits to the court that she never manipulates or interferes with my visitation.

"Jesse," I explaiBen, "I paid for mediation!"

"That's too bad. There's no court order," she said. "I'm taking them that weekend."

Jesse and Steve were married on December 7th: Pearl Harbor Day. How appropriate considering all the sneak attacks Jesse had planBen and executed on me.

On Monday, December 17, 2002, we were in court. Elizabeth Schading noted that Jesse was now a stay-at-home mom and that she should not have to pay for her legal fees that would total $2,100. (Remember, Jesse had said earlier to me that they were $7,000?) The judge granted her $500 for fees. Prior to the hearing, Schading had requested discovery regarding my assets, earnings and basic fiscal worth. This was stuff that was supposed to be handled in the Mediation that I had paid for and Jesse manipulated her way out of. The discovery document had a daunting amount of detail that would take a lot of time to find and list.

One of the questions Jesse's lawyer wanted me to answer was "Describe each and every gift $25 or more that you have given since 1999." The information she was asking for would only be necessary in a Divorce having a division of property aspect to it but not a child support case. These questions arose from an out of control lawyer and a pathological lying mother who was only in this for herself and not her children. So, this meant we had to set another hearing date, and I had to wait until the next year for my true day in court.

The Wednesday just after the hearing I had gone for a physical. When I got out of the doctor's office and as I was on my way over to get Wyatt and Kolton, I noticed I had two voicemails. They were from two people who worked for me at my new business.

Before I sold the bar, I'd started business called Mini Buck's Espresso and Feed. I was selling food and beverages for a bingo hall. Although Mini Buck's, which was in its infancy, was less stressful than the sports bar it still had to be open and operating at specific times, whenever the bingo parlor was running. If it wasn't functioning at the appointed times, I could lose my lease and my business. Two people usually manBen the concession booth. That afternoon one called in sick and the other called in with a sick child. No one was coming to work. I found that out around 1 pm. I was going to have to fill in at Mini Buck's personally.

I called Lee. I was worried about telling Jesse that I had to cancel my visitation that day. How would she react? We had just been to court and it was frightening to say the least!

Lee said, "Parents are supposed to work together. Otherwise you're going to spend the next fourteen years throwing $200 here and $300 there. The court order says it will be this 'or unless as agreed upon by the parties.' That means you two should be able to work things like this out without paying a lawyer a dime."

Okay, he'd given me some confidence that I could manage the situation, so I decided to give Jesse a call. I explaiBen to her that I didn't have any employees, couldn't get anyone in on short notice and that I had to cover Mini Buck's for the entire shift.

Jesse says, "Oh, don't worry, Kolton wasn't really feeling that well. And Wyatt may be coming down with something. Don't worry."

I said, "Jess, I don't want this to be a problem tomorrow, or the next day, or sometime after that. The court order says I have an hour on either end of the visitation for emergencies and all."

"That's fine," she assured me. "If you want to pick them up Thursday, go ahead."

I called Lee back and told him what had happeBen—all was fine. Or so I thought.

On Friday Lee called me and said that he'd received a letter from Attorney Schading stating that I had cancelled my visitation at "3:30 pm saying that he couldn't come because he had just had a physical. Apparently he then went to work. Under the agreement and pending court order that was made only the day before, he agreed to give one day's notice" unless there were exigent circumstances. Schading claimed I didn't have an emergency. No employees, breaking my lease and possibly losing the business were not exigent circumstances?

Apparently Jesse had got right on the line to her lawyer after I hung up and managed to mangle the facts so that a shadow of truth remaiBen. Okay, it wasn't even a shadow of the truth. Lee called Schading and left a message informing her of the facts, proving that Jesse was recreating reality, which is a nice way of saying, "LYING."

Less than a month after the December hearing, Lee had been called to the war in Iraq. I had to find a new attorney. I located an attorney, Linda Debeer, who was supposed to be a rising star in family law. Linda's associate Ashley had a phrase she liked to use when I asked her a question, "Don't worry. Just let Jane work her magic." Well on May 3, 2003, when we went before Judge Hayes apparently Jane left her wand at home.

Judges are, to some degree, supposed to be impartial. In other words in court there is not supposed to be a "home team." In family court, and in any courtroom, a judge is responsible for reading, understanding and knowing the essence and detail of the statements, submissions, motions and affidavits he receives _from both sides_. Anything short of this is pure incompetence. In family court Judge Thomas D. Hayes of Anoka County is the poster boy for "pure incompetence."

When you enter into the chambers of Judge Hayes as a non-custodial parent there is a sign, an invisible one, that's placed around your neck that says, "Kick me, Judge Hayes. And, please, kick me again." Along with not caring about the truth, which in my case sat right in front of him in court documents, he's predisposed to favor mothers. They tell no lies, they have done no wrong and they are the only ones worthy of custodial care. I firmly believe, after intimately experiencing his ineptitude, that if he saw a mother in his court with a bottle of booze in one hand, a hypodermic in the other and a bloody machete slung around her neck, he would rule in her favor, even if the father sitting across from him was Gandhi, Lincoln, or Martin Luther King. He interprets "blind justice" as being "blind" to facts, to truth and to the welfare of the children with which he's entrusted.

Any person could see that affidavits attested to by Jesse were loaded with lies. That is any person who had an ounce of sense and took a smidgen of care in reading through those affidavits. Then again if you habitually rule with one side in these cases why would you bother to read anything that's submitted to you or listen to reasoning? What was amazing was that when my attorney, Linda Debeer showed Judge Hayes that Jesse's documents were perjured multiple times, he out right chuckled and ignored these elemental facts.

Here's one example of a blatant lie that she used to try to discredit my request for a modification of child support. In her April 2003 sworn affidavit Jesse wrote, "Don and I were getting along well in 1999 (again even though in her 2002 affidavit she said he didn't even try to see his kids for the first 3 ½ years). We never lived together. He always maintaiBen his own home. However, our relationship did not last. I do not believe Don's request for a modification of his child support has anything to do with his finances. It is because about a year and a half ago I started a relationship with and have since married Steve."

So now Jesse conveniently moves the start of her relationship back to around October 2001. So according to her the times don't match up as she claims. (Now remember in March 2002 she was planning a trip to Disney world with me and the kids as a family.) It goes on to say, "Don paid support until I sold my house and moved in with Steve. After that time his payments became erratic and sometimes not at all. Also, since there is no chance that he and I will have a relationship, his desire to see our children is not consistent. He has yet to even try to establish a relationship with Addy, and she is now 2 years old."

The whole premise of this section is that in April 2002, the real month that Jesse and Steve started going out, I got jealous and started my attempts to lower child support payments. In fact, in 200,1 I initiated two actions shown in the court file. One was to establish child support as per county guidelines. Up to that point I had been paying more than was required by the county in child support and this was the beginning of my move to make it more equitable, to lower my support. So Jesse's claim that I was motivated by her relationship with Steve is totally false. She started going out with Steve at least a full year later. The times do not, as she claimed, "match up."

The second action I undertook at that time was to determine paternity in the case of Addyson and to take responsibility for her in relationship to child support. That fact, which is a matter of public record, negates her contention that I have shown no interest in establishing a relationship with my daughter. Even more astonishing was the fact that during the time of her "supposed" relationship with Steve starting "supposedly" I had helped her purchase a truck with $5,000 down in January 2002, and kept her on my company medical insurance policy all the way to July 2002. This was a couple months after she informed me she was getting married. I still don't know why exactly, but I did because I have a big heart. So both of her contentions were proven false by the evidence Judge Hayes had in front of him.

Also false were her statements that my payments were "erratic" and that my desire to see the children was inconsistent. I believe she meant "attempts" to see my children, but she wrote "desire" perhaps because you can measure attempts more easily than desire. In any case, my attempts were well documented through Lee and my desire was established by the meeting with the mediator. Additionally, there was the fact that I had spent thousands and thousands of dollars to see my kids.

The great irony of her jealousy argument was the fact that she knew quite clearly that I really had no interest in spending time with her and had, in fact, been seeing other women like the one she left a message on my answering machine about one evening in August 2001. The inconsistency she alludes to in seeing the boys has to do with her telling me to come over early, or asking me to bring the kids home early or her requesting I change visitation days. But after she made these requests of me, and I agreed to them, she would call her lawyer and say I had made all of the alterations in the schedule without her approval.

She later stated that she didn't want to change the children's last name. We had an agreement that if I became a part of their lives, the name change would occur. She wrote, "They have my last name, and I have not and will not change my name." Point of fact on December 7, 2002, when she and Steve married she had changed her name from Jesse Jacobson to Jesse Jacobson-Hunger. It was recorded officially on the marriage certificate. The same marriage certificate when brought to the attention of her attorney, Schading sent a letter to me saying "Ms Jacobson was unaware of the name as her husband filled out the form and she does not use the name. She will act immediately to amend the certificate." A year and a half later, no correction has been made. This does give me pause to laugh as one of a woman's most prized possessions, a "Certificate of Marriage" yet, she didn't know what it said on it and never read it. I wonder how long that marriage will last.

When Linda Debeer pointed out that Jesse's statement that I had not tried to see the children for three-and-one-half years had to be false because we had conceived Addy during that time, Judge Hayes laughed and said, "Yeah, I wondered about that." That was all he said about that! I did not realize that perjury had become a laughing matter in court. But according to Judge Hayes' reaction, it had.

But the greatest miscarriages of justice had to do with Judge Hayes simply not following the law and ruling in a non-judicial manner. He did not follow child support guidelines in section 518.551, subdivision 5. He ruled that because I did not have my 1999 tax return included in my evidence packet that he could not lower my payments. He said that according to the law he needed to see what I was making when I increased the support in 1999 and compare it to what I was making now.

This is not true. All I have to show, according to Section 518.551, Subdivision 5, is what I was making at the time. The judge believed Jesse and her lawyer when they made the contention that I had hundreds of thousands in stocks that had simply disappeared. There were no hundreds of thousands. Remember World Com? That is where my money was and you know where it went. Straight down the shitter! He believed her when she said I had not made an effort to facilitate discovery, despite my agreement to go to the Mediation they demanded which I did. And despite the fact that Schading had not filed the Rule 37 motion to compel discovery to request specifically what she needed to see. The Judge noted that there had not been a Rule 37 hearing but that didn't matter to him since my 1999 taxes were not on file with the court. What? So the Honorable Judge back-doored the system.

He did not seem to care that Jesse had fraudulently made thousands of dollars in respite care or that she had misused money intended for Kolton's badly needed dental surgery for her own vanity procedure, something that I had written him about in December 2002. Rather he responded with a letter saying the information was not compelling enough. He also didn't bother to notice that Elizabeth Schading had some serious math problems from the last hearing to the present one. She was way off when she stated that her fees from the last court date were $1,700 and now totaled $7,200. According to court records the fees from the last court date totaled $2,100 and I had paid by court order $500. That left a balance of $1,600. When added to the totals for her latest work, Schading total bill was approximately $3,300 and not $7,200!

He did not care about the truth. He did not care about fairness. He, sadly, did not care about my children.

And Jane "just let her do her magic" Adams had the 1999 taxes right in her file at our table. The judge had them too, as did Elizabeth Schading. What a fiasco!

I was livid with Ms. Debeer!

When we got out of the courtroom I said, "Jane, I dropped the 1999 taxes off at your office for the second time the other day! I wanted to see you but Ashley said, 'Oh, no, let Jane do her magic!' I see your magic!"

I then had Linda open her file. There it was, my unneeded but reason-I-was-ruled-against 1999 tax return. All she had to do was open the file and hand it to the judge.

I had given her a $4,000 retainer. She then sent me a final bill for over $10,000. I informed her there was no way I would pay any part of that bill. In fact, I thought I should sue her for all the child support and attorney's fees she had cost me. Linda Debeer the rising star in Minnesota's Family Court system was really a shooting star offering a lot of hot air and no results.

Next with all the law in my favor I even appealed my case to the Minnesota Court of Appeals and lost. It is a tragedy but only 2 percent of cases appealed are over turBen. My case, I believe would have been and should have been won on appeal if the true facts were looked at. But, with unethical lawyering by Elizabeth Schading, and a client committing perjure and fraud on the court what other decision could be reached. I have no doubt the Appellate Court looked at me as just another "Dead Beat Dad" trying to bail on his responsibilities. How wrong and how misinformed their decision really was.

Not with standing their decision, I could not give up on my kids. Now that she had what she wanted, more money, Jesse started withholding the kids and continued frightening them with stories about me kidnapping them and taking them to California.

Chapter 12

New Year, New Results!

Jesse had made other strange accusations in her court documents. They were so out of the ordinary and outrageous I was amazed that her lawyer let her include them. But looking back I realize they had taken a calculated risk. If Jesse could throw enough crap at me and make some of it stick, then the extreme accusations wouldn't really matter. In a way, it gave the judge some room to dismiss the more ridiculous stuff and to give credence to the less creative lies.

One of her accusations was especially distressing. She claimed in her affidavit that I had told her that my mother had inherited $5 million when my Uncle Ben passed on. In that same document, she remembered that I bragged that I would be rolling in dough and not even be able to count it all. She was correct about one thing, my Uncle Ben had died. I couldn't believe her attorney would include something so outrageous in her affidavit. But, I forgot this was Elizabeth Schading and not Pope John Paul III crafting and approving the document.

The truth of the matter is one day, when I was on my way to pick up the boys, my mother called me on my cell phone. She sounded kind of shaky; she was concerned because my Uncle Ben had not shown up for a plan Ben trip to Italy. Some of his friends who had arrived in Italy by then called asking where he was. No one knew where he was, including my mom. I suggested she call the airline and see if he had caught his flight. A little later my mother called me back. By then I had Kolton and Wyatt in my car. She told me the bad news.

My uncle was found dead in his home. He had hanged himself. Suicide.

Suicide? My uncle was a brilliant man. He had earned a degree in mathematics and another in engineering in three years. He even took three Calculus classes in the same summer at the University of Minnesota. He became an inventor, creating new types of high quality audiotape. He had owned or participated in numerous patents and was somewhat of a rich man. With some millions in the bank and investments, he was able to live the life of his choosing.

But despite his success, amazing intellect, and wonderful sense of humor, he was a troubled man. He suffered from depression and his doctor put him on Paxil. Like many antidepressants, Paxil has the potential to push a patient to the edge. My uncle was one of the unfortunates who went over that edge.

He was a great guy who seemed to have everything for which to live. I loved talking to him because despite his success, he was still a regular guy. He told me plainly one day that in college there were certain courses in every major, especially in math, that you had to take and pass despite the fact that you would never use their content. Certain courses were simply useless in the long run but you still had to pass them, proving that you could complete the course successfully.

"You'll never use them once you're out of that class they're not worth a thing. But you're expected to finish them," he noted.

After I found out that my uncle was dead, I called Jesse. I explained to her that Uncle Ben had committed suicide and that I was going to have to help my mom. Thus, I needed to bring the boys back.

From the other end of the phone I heard Jesse say, "Well, someone just hit the lottery!"

That was one way to view Ben's terrible death, but it certainly wasn't my way. Jesse's observation was not only cold-hearted but revealing. Ben's death was a fiscal opportunity in Jesse's eyes and not a tragedy. Reading Jesse's remembrance of that day distilled her distorted view of reality for me.

Additional claims that should have told Judge Hayes and Attorney Schading that Jesse was prone to bending the truth concerning some of my living habits. She noted that I often showed up at her place carrying "bags of money and he wasn't even going to the bank." She claimed that the origins of the money were suspect. She wondered where I might get that much money that was unaccounted for—untaxed and easily hidden from Jesse and the court. Many times my attorney had to respond to ridiculous phone calls from Jesse's attorney Elizabeth claiming my kids would come home from weekend visits with bags of money. When in fact they had actually broke into the little piggy bank and got some loose change.

It is important to remember that all of this information came directly from a woman who claimed I that I didn't even attempt to see my kids for three and a half years and had changed her name but didn't know that it happened. To Judge Hayes: _"I think you had your beer goggles on when you didn't read through this pile of crap."_

Then there was what I considered to be the most ludicrous claim I'd ever heard her or anyone else make. Jesse wrote in her affidavit that when my clothes got dirty instead of washing them I would just buy new and I guess throw the old away. Life styles of the poor and foolish, hah?

The one thing Jesse's stories proved, besides the fact that she was better at fiction than history, was that she would say anything to get her way. This was true both in and out of court. How much longer could I endure her mind-boggling dishonesty, her schizophrenic personality and her no-holds barred methods of doing business? The answer was not much longer.

Jesse was no more interested in observing my parenting rights than she was in marrying a poor man. I believe that she actually thought I didn't have any rights and that the only reason I should get to visit with my kids would be to drop off the checks and listen to her cries of "I'm selling old toys and children's clothing to the Once Upon a Child store to buy groceries for the kids."

Perhaps nothing illustrates this more clearly than the emergency information sheet Jesse filled out at Kolton and Wyatt's school there are one for each of the boys. In that document she clearly reveals how she viewed me.

The first parent or guardian listed is "Jacobson, Jesse." She lists herself as their mother and also as the boys' legal guardian. The second name on the form is "Steve Hunger." Yes, Steve is listed second and not me! (You read that correctly.) It's noted that he is Jesse's fiancé but not a legal guardian for the boys. This was done in August 2002. So he was a boyfriend and fiancé since April 2002. Five months and Jesse is now given priority status to "New Fiancé" as parent over me "Biological Father." Hey, but who am I? Some might actually call me a dad, including my kids.

Finally, in third place, she wrote "Donald McPhail." I'm described accurately as the father. It then says "No" as legal guardian, it also states that I have "no legal rights" in Jesse's writing. She commanded in writing, "Do not allow him to pick up" the boys "he has no legal rights." Listing me as the father was a way for Jesse to indicate my fiscal obligation to the boys and to also make it clear through a few notes that I had no legal right to them.

On the second page of the document that lists who to call in case of emergency Jesse again list Steve, Lynne and Stephanie. They're in that order. It is strange that if one of my kids were in an accident the school would never contact me.

I found this out when I stopped by the boys' school one day. Jesse had called me and told me she couldn't afford school lunches for the kids. You know right about the time she got that Breast Enlargement. So before I went down the hallway to say "hello" to my sons, I stopped by the main office to pay for some lunches in advance.

When I read the document I told them that I did have rights. I also was surprised to know that the lunches were paid out a couple of months at a cost of about $80.

The woman sitting behind the high desk, who was very nice, noted that Jesse had told her she had a court order that said I was not to see the boys. She also called me Mr. Jacobson which I corrected her on. Then, I assured her that her assumption that I had no legal rights was very untrue and offered for her to call my attorney. I also asked her what sort of documents they had for such an assumption.

The woman said they had called Jesse numerous times to get a copy of the order but that she assured them she had such a document but had never turned it in. I informed her that I was certainly allowed to pick my children up at school and rest assured had all the legal rights to do so. The woman asked if I wanted to get them now.

"No," I said, "but I would like to stop and see them before I go."

She told me that would be no problem.

Again there it was in black and white. Jesse had listed me as the father, meaning I had a financial responsibility to the boys as it stated at the top of the sheets for listed parents. However, I was not identified as an emergency contact and in very careful handwriting; Jesse claimed I had no legal rights.

So after missed visitation days, a false pledge to work with a mediator and parenting consultant, complete disregard to a court order allowing me proper visitation rights, what could I do? After waiting years to go to court I had been misjudged by Judge Hayes.

There were just too many heated and snide phone calls, too many times the boys were scared of me because of what their mom had said and too many broken promises that left me frustrated and depressed. I was determined to make my point and win the chance to finally attain justice.

I went against all the advice Jane Adams had given me the first time. I figured I had developed and executed detailed business plans for two different food establishments and that many of the skills I used in doing just that could be incorporated into building my case. I was detail oriented, good at creating working paradigms and an expert at developing evidence. Using those elements and calling upon my various skills, I put together a powerful case.

I compiled a thick document, containing just about every piece of evidence related to Jesse's duplicity. The binder was heavy with fact upon fact upon fact. It revealed Jesse's lies, her manipulation of the boys and her misuse of money. It also proved that she had defrauded the government by taking money for a job she never performed.

That binder was expertly organized, well documented and impressive. I decided to send the large volume of evidence to Attorney Elizabeth Schading. At that time I also requested a new court date.

If Elizabeth Schading had false teeth, they would have dropped out of her mouth and onto her desk as she open the binder that I sent her. The documentation contained evidence regarding Jesse's perjury, non- cooperation with parenting consultants and contradictory statements. There's also reference to some very questionable, perhaps illegal, behavior and actions by Elizabeth.

One example was Elizabeth withholding a parenting consultant order eight days after Jesse's and my signature before she sent it to the Judge for his signature. This was a parenting consultant order that Elizabeth Schading demanded claiming the parenting issues were critical. She demanded I agree to the parenting consultant or she would bring me back before Judge Hayes her "Teammate."

Instead of sending this crucial document immediately for the Judges signature Elizabeth Schading held onto it allowing Jesse just enough time to ditch out of town before she had talk to the parenting consultant. A parenting consultant who was intending to order the summer vacation and make major changes in my favor regarding parenting.

Adding insult to injury Jesse even claimed her lawyer told her it was okay to leave town when in fact it wasn't. Not to mention she ultimately told the parenting consultant "You can't tell me what to do with my children." When question about the delay in sending the parenting consulting order to the judge, Elizabeth Schading sent a letter claiming "we sent it in a time frame that follows our standard office practices" as if she was writing to a moron. The more likely scenario is that it was delayed intentionally so Jesse could in fact interfere with my court ordered visitation and leave town! Aiding and abetting is a better conclusion. More importantly violations of two or three sections of the Bar Associations rules on lawyer conduct.

So after receiving my highly revealing file Elizabeth was pretty quick in contacting me. Basically she said that I had won. Jesse would agree to an amended order if I would drop my suit and "vacate all submissions to the court." That's right remove all the proof of her and her client's deception on the court. Oh she made it sound as if they would put up a good fight but she was really saying uncle. It was everything I wanted. Well almost everything.

It was the end of March. A New Year in the making!

I'd won. Sure it wasn't in court. Yes, it was sort of uneventful. It made me wonder if this was what I'd fought for all those years. Wouldn't it have been more satisfying to take Jesse apart in court; to dismantle every one of her arguments and claims, and to reveal the depths of her deceit?

To tell you the truth that's not what it was all about. Everything I had done was focused on one thing and one thing only. If you read only one sentence in this book, let it be this one.

I did what I did because I love my kids and I know that they can greatly benefit from that love just as they can from their mom's love. It wasn't for vengeance or to prove that I was right, or to be the center of attention.

Are things perfect now? No, not at all! But they are better than they were before. I am still asking and waiting to get the makeup time that the Parenting Consultant ordered from August 2003. In fact, each and every time my attorney or I send a letter for the extra days Jesse refuses, claiming we must do what she had not done in years, and that is follow what the order says. I say oh well she is only hurting the kids and the payback will come down the road for her in "Spades."

But, for now at least there are specific guidelines for visitation and I do get to see my boys a lot more but am still waiting and praying for the same with Addy. I like having my life more stable and it's good to own a business that is not as intense or taxing as the sports bar was.

What's best is I have hope, a very strong hope, that I'll be a positive force in each of my kid's lives. Kolton, Wyatt, and Addy—I'm your father. That is the best job anyone can have.

Chapter 13

Fathers-4-Justice

I am a member of Fathers-4-Justice. Most people when they hear the name of the organization may think that the members are just a bunch of angry men who don't want to pay child support. Fathers-4-Justice is a group of men who have stepped-up, who have wanted to be included and who have fought for the right to be involved in the lives of their children. Are they angry, frustrated and vocal? Yes. But more so they are a group dedicated to campaigning for a **child's** right to see "both parents and grandparents" on an equal basis.

Why do they exist? Because they've found that often the judiciary, the lawmakers and social institutions don't consider the needs of a child in relationship to fathers. Thus a system is set up that has been accepted by most of society. It's a system that often denigrates fathers, that negates their importance except as providers of money, and that views them as second-class citizens. It's this collective viewpoint of men that has been perpetuated by judges like Hayes that results in rulings like those of Judge Hayes ungoverned by law; devoid of careful thought and rife with prejudice.

Judge Hayes, if I had the power, would no longer hear my case or the cases of others who have been misjudged by him and subsequently joined "F4J." When Judge Hayes is in court, so are members of "F4J" and even myself. I sometimes sit through hearings for child custody and support keeping a keen eye on his every move. I've heard through the grapevine that Hayes now "gets it" even though I find that hard to believe. Supposedly he is much more careful about reviewing and listening to all of the evidence and not just one side, about ruling according to law and not by whim and about acknowledging the rights of children to be loved by both parents. Why is he that way? Because he knows that people who care about children are watching him.

I've spoken to the lawmakers in my state, created a website about my fight and now written this book. And the question is: What for? Is it for me? Yes, to a degree. Is it for my children? Definitely! I want them to know that I loved them enough to fight for them. I want them to take that lesson with them and teach it to their children. But for whom is it ultimately being done?

All of this is for the next father and the father after him and the father after him and so forth, so that maybe they won't have as difficult a time and perhaps a court will take their rights and needs seriously along with those of their children. It is time to stop thinking about absentee fathers in a stereotypical manner. Are some Dead Beat Dads? As I said before the answer is, yes, some are.

Now consider the damage that label has done to one-half of the parenting population. What a great and catchy phrase—"Dead Beat Dad." It looks great on posters, it sounds good in radio copy and talk about an eye-catching headline! Hey, who doesn't want to read about some Dead Beat Dad who's abandoned the mother of his kids and the little ones, and who refuses to pay child support and who is ultimately brought to justice! What a great human-interest story: **"DEAD BEAT DAD CAN'T BEAT THE SYSTEM**." That's right and the involved, caring and loving non-custodial dad can't beat the system either. Non-Custodial Dads; Dads who see their Kids; Fathers Wronged by Society—none of these are very interesting to the broad public.

Father-4-Justice, even that name isn't half as sexy as Dead Beat Dads. Father's interested in justice has no titillating appeal whatsoever. It's a male dominated society we live in, so the assumption is that do men control the world already. Why should any father need justice when they already run the courts?

Here's a question—is it always the Dad's fault that he's not involved? Do mothers ever lie in court or to the police? Are these unpopular thoughts? Are they questions that are posed by liberals or conservatives?

Here's the answer to that question—neither conservatives nor liberals pose them. That's what makes them unpopular. They really don't fall under a category or have a label pinned on them. Who wants to blame a mom for anything? Conservatives see her as the traditional caregiver, the civilizer and the homemaker who brings up the kids. Liberals see her as being someone who needs government protection, who has been mistreated and who must bring up the kids while she works full time or tries to find a job. For either group to think differently would negate their views of the foundation of family and the civilizing force of society. I'm speaking generally. But is it any more general than the phrase Dead Beat Dad?

How do things change? Is it one person at a time? Are we fighting one judge, legislator, dad, mom, minister, teacher, etc... at a time? So how about a big change? Big changes often happen when a prominent person gets involved and takes up the stand. Who might do this?

Consider if any one of these currently popular media people took on the idea that the courts and society have to rethink, reevaluate and create and embrace a new manner and system for judging both parents when it comes to their rights as parents and the rights and needs of their children.

Bill O'Reilly, Oprah Winfrey, Don Imus, Barbara Walters, Rush Limbaugh, Diane Sawyer or Al Franken can make a statement to affect change. What if just two from the list, two with the most disparate viewpoints, teamed up to champion the cause? Here's a list politicians: Hillary Clinton, Richard W. Bush, Barbara Boxer, John McCain, Joe Lieberman and Pat Buchanan. Once again, take two totally different people with contrasting viewpoints, could they get behind such a cause? Of course they could under the right circumstances.

Imagine you're in a courtroom where you're automatically seen as being more likely than not the cause of the problem and you're also seen as not being as important a nurturer, caregiver or stabilizer as the other person in the courtroom. In other words a decision is going to be made as to which of the two people in that courtroom will be allowed to and trusted to care for the children. Just because one person is of a different gender, they have less of a chance of being involved in the kids' lives. Now imagine that the reason for this belief is connected to your color, your religion or your political party. Does that make any sense? Does the gender bias represent logical thought? Or is it simply generalized and prejudicial?

What do I want? I want women and **men** to be treated equally in family court **.** Why? It makes sense that a child who grows up being loved by both parents will have a more diverse outlook on life. Many years ago there used to be a bumper sticker that today seems about as sexist as any other. It read, "A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle." I understand the wry message that's being sent, but do you recognize the bigoted opinion that's being expressed?

Please realize I do not see this as a man vs. woman or woman vs. man argument or battle. I really see it as a parent vs. society/the law/government/media fight. And if we consider the parents situated on one point of the triangle and all those cultural entities at another point of the triangle, then who is located at the third point? That's right—the children.

What if parents actually teamed up to really work for the betterment of the kids? That's a "perfect world" concept. Yet, if you separately asked any two parents what was most important to them, most would answer something to the effect of: "the welfare of the children." The organizations in the society would say the same thing. Yet the concept of the "welfare of the children" seems to be tied directly to "money for the mom." By making the connection between helping children by giving money for their support to one of the parents you've set in motion a system that is almost guaranteed to be adversarial.

How can that change? Throw out the presumption that one parent is going to be dominant over the other. Make both parents equal in the eyes of the court and society. The fact is, in my situation, I had every excuse to give up, to run and ultimately stop helping my kids. Every excuse but one: I could not shirk my responsibility as a parent no matter what was done to me.

I don't consider what I've done to be extraordinary or heroic. What I've done, despite the myopia of the courts and lawmakers in Minnesota, is simply what any parent should do, accept your responsibilities to love and provide for your kids. You created them; they are yours and nobody else's.

Although it would be easy for me to blame Jesse, the fact is she is a product of a faulty and defective system that has encouraged parents to work against each other for generations. It is a system that rewards its employees for categorically defined accomplishments and not for individually recognized successes. Imagine that if instead of giving extra Federal dollars to departments that instigated child support and custody proceedings, the government rewarded them for efficiently and effectively helping parents solve their problems together. If there were government dollars for working out custody and support before it ever got to court or in one court hearing, that could only help the children. Wow, imagine the changes in behavior at all those family court offices. Imagine all those smiling little faces of our children.

I know someone who has been the priLynne caregiver for the family for ten years; this person has also held a fulltime job during that time. They're going through something I've never had to, their divorce. After over twenty years of marriage and two kids, as they headed for divorce, they were assured by their spouse that the children were of the utmost importance. But slowly this person saw their soon to be ex working against them by making false statements to the children, turning everything they'd done around and threatening them if they didn't contribute more than their share in child support and give them full custody of the children. It was the mother, who had done very little in terms of childcare, who was making these decisions. What did the father do? He kept giving in; he didn't want to upset the kids, their lives or their peace.

Finally he decided he could not let things go on the way they were. In the short run he knew it'd be tough on the kids, but looking at the future he felt everyone would be better off if both he and his wife were really working for the betterment of their children. For him it was never about money. It was about the fact that he had been extremely important in his kid's lives for over a decade and now and for no real reason, certainly with no for the benefit of the kids, he was being pushed out of the way. The jury is still out on that one.

It took me almost eight years, near $70,000, and a lot of emotional turmoil and pain to get justice. I had to be tougher, smarter and brasher than my kid's mom and her lawyer. However, in order to win I did not necessarily have to love my children or be a good parent. Which means all that I did was beat the system. That's really all I had to do. Doesn't that alone prove that in Minnesota's Family Court system it's really about pushing the right buttons and not about proving your worth as a parent? It's also about winning at any cost and not about what that winning costs the children.

So when all is said and done we Minnesotans are stuck with obstructionist legislators like Senator Berglin, Senator Betzold, and Senator Neuville who continue to vote against any true reform in Minnesota. In essence they have voted against "The Best Interest of Our Children." One prime example of this is Senator Berglin's statement in a Committee hearing on Child Support and Custody. A position was taken by a member of the Republican State House of Representatives to allow 45 percent for non-custodial parenting time. Linda Berglin responded by saying "I have already moved a long way from 20 to 25 percent I am not moving any further." Thank you, Senator Linda Berglin; you gave me 3 extra hours with my children. You must be proud of yourself. I say shame on you!

Even more disturbing is Senator Leo Foley's comment that men are getting a fair shake in Minnesota. Well, I can only respond to Senator Foley by saying, "Leo the family law attorney in you is speaking, not a loving father or grandparent who is being deprived of their rights by the system." Mr. Foley, start worrying about children rather than DHS budgets and billable hours. Shame on you also!

Last but not least, I would like to talk about a case involving another Judge from Anoka County. Just recently I was informed about a guy who had lost his job. He went to the District Court Judge Morrow for downward relief from the current child support order he was under. Now instead of giving him temporarily relief Judge Morrow in his infinite wisdom tells him he should have no problem finding a job and jails him 180 days for contempt of court. Keep in mind that contempt of court in Minnesota is 90 days not 180. However, Minnesota Judges abide by no rules in Family Court. I do not consider myself to be Einstein, but I do believe that this Judge has fallen off the idiot tree. This guy will now spend 180 days in jail and then get out owing another 6 months of back child support. Does this make sense? Is that in the best interest of any child? Absolutely not! Did I mention this guy has a new wife and kids at home that he now can't care for either? And are you finding any similarities between Judge Morrow and Moron? I do. So the story goes "The tail continues to wag the dog in Minnesota.

Epilogue:

My Fight for Justice

What is the current status of my relationship with my children? Well for the first time, after numerous tries, I was able to take Kolton and Wyatt on a week-long vacation to Disney World. It was a busy trip filled with great times, laughter and just plain fun.

In 2003 I finally procured an actual court order regarding visitation with my children. Still, their mother has continued to strategize against me. Jesse will still not allow Addy to see me. Whenever I show up at Jesse's house to get the boys, if Addy is there, she's whisked away by Jesse, a young neighbor girl or someone else. At least at this point, she knows I'm her dad, even though she doesn't really know me as her dad.

Over the years my kids have been prepped to expect me to do all sorts of things I have never done and will never do. Jesse had told them that I'm going to kidnap them, I'll never let them see her again and that I don't want to be with them. The kidnapping scenario is especially ironic since Jesse is the one that has continually run off with the kids, leaving me in the dark. Getting to know my daughter is extremely difficult because Addy and I have never been allowed to be together and the transitional meetings where we can start to get acquainted have to include Jesse. Being with Jesse is not easy for me. Her continual deceit has made it close to impossible for me to spend any time with her. Whenever we are together, the potential for major and unsightly discord between the two of us is high and counteractive to developing any relationship with my little girl.

The lack of harmony that I hoped for since Jesse's marriage to Steve has not occurred. When they tied the knot I thought I was permanently off her radar screen. I was wrong! However, it did help eliminate some of the confusion and terrorism that defined our relationship. But, with Steve's support, she has continued to terrorize me and my children with her relentless efforts to minimize my families and my existence in my children's lives.

One good example is my mother's request that the children spend time with her on weekends when I was out of town for schooling. This was immediately thwarted by Jesse and her attorney Elizabeth Schading. They claimed my mother could have some time with the kids but not overnight. Jesse's attorney offered a few hours at a time. Yet, her mother has had unfettered access to the children even taking them July 4, 2004 for a week to her cabin during my 4th of July holiday weekend. Thereby, denying me again of my time with the kids. This has happened over and over during the past 8 years with the kids.

So I continue to be active in Fathers-4-Justice with the hope that the importance of both parents will eventually be accepted as common sense and will be embraced by courts across the country.

Although my relationship with Jesse was less than perfect, doomed from the beginning and extremely painful, it resulted in three great kids. Developing a close relationship with them has been challenging due to various roadblocks that have been put in my way. Creating a bond with my kids has taken energy, perseverance and heart-felt commitment on my part. It has not been easy for them either.

As I attempted to work through all of the issues that seemed to constantly jeopardize our connection. I often question whether I was doing the right thing. If I had walked away from the situation and simply paid my child support, my headaches, heartaches and money aches would have been minimized. But so too would the true worth of my guidance, love, and involvement. The main reason I considered curtailing my fight for visitation and custody had to do with my concern for my kids. What would be the effect on my children of all the stress and anxiety that was generated from dealing with their mom? Some might think it would be better to stay out of their lives and not cause any more animosity.

Maybe Wyatt wouldn't be as frightened and perhaps Kolton wouldn't appear to be as concerned as he always has been. As for Addy, she could simply call Steve, "Dad." It would be so much simpler.

Doing that, staying away, may have made for more daily harmony, but I wondered what would be the result later. Would my kids feel abandoned by their dad? Maybe they'd think they're dad simply did not care? How badly would that make them feel?

I had to continue my battle to be a part of their lives. They needed to know that both parents loved them. Staying in the fray was about as difficult as anything gets. But years later I was sure I would regret giving up.

I grew up with both of my parents. They got divorced when I was in my teens. Mom and dad never tried to use me against one another in any way. That was my upbringing. Jesse's family situation involved a mom married numerous times who jettisoned each father and then used the children as collateral.

These two lives, Jesse's and mine, are what will influence Kolton, Wyatt, and Addyson, ultimately that which will help in determining their potential for success and happiness. Although my family is in no way perfect, we are fairly constant. Additionally we are certainly not as colorful a group as Lynne Jacobson and her girls. If I was absent from the lives of my children, don't you think the chances of them growing up and modeling the behavior of Jesse and Lynne would be to no one's surprise, probable?

I am not sure where the next 15 years will go regarding my children. It has been such an emotional roller coaster that one never knows from day to day what will happen next. The continued dreams I wake up to in the middle of the night are wearing on me immeasurably. Dreams of Addyson screaming at me "why weren't you there for me" are intense and seem so real. Her cries for answers in my dreams are troubling and intolerable. I do hope that someday these nights of horror will go away for me. And as troubling as it may be for Jesse, someday my children will be of an age to be able to discern which of their parents fought for their best interest and which one parlayed there little bodies and spirits for personal gain. This, I am confident of.

If you can be a positive part of your children's lives then make the effort. If you have to fight for that right—remember being involved in their lives is your right as a parent—than do it. The results will be numerous for you, your kids and for society.

This has been my "father's cry." A cry filled with tears of sadness and tears of joy. Thank you for reading it. Love your children.

Easter 2001

_These are my three little ones. Kolton (left), Wyatt (rigt), and my little Addy (center). Dad loves you all more than you will ever know. Sorry Addy you were not with us at Disney World._

" _With this book in no way do I believe or want to portray that all women are of the same essence as the one described in this book. That is far from the truth. When one starts a relationship with someone or just has that one night affair, both men and women alike remember "Caveat Emptor", which in Latin means "let the buyer beware." This could be you writing the sequel."_

# WMD is Stored in Family Courts. Look for stock piles in Judges Chambers!

"Family Court Judges hold the most lethal form of WMD. Through their gavel they are silently but legally squeezing the life out of the American Family.

"To remove a child from a loving parent is nothing less than Child Abuse. Would removing a child from a loving and fit Mother make sense? No! So why is it okay to remove a child from a loving and fit Father?"

