so before I start my story you need to
understand that the period we understand
as ancient Greece was incredibly long
it's 2,000 years of history and at the
one end you've got the birth of the gods
and the other end you've got this guy
there was once a writer by the name of
Lucien who so fed up with the ridiculous
and speculative travel writing that he
came across day to day where people would
go on their holidays and have a chat
with Zeus or play cricket with centuars
that he decided he was going to set up a
voyage of his own he hired the best
captain the finest ship and the fifty
stoutest sailors that his money could
afford him and set off for a more
plausible voyage now we fast forward a
little bit because having narrowly
escaped being turned into trees by the
half maidens half vines who were both
lusty and a little bit vicious the crew
find themselves two men down and becalmed on the sea they are set adrift with no
clue as to where they are because where
they've been was part wine part blood
and they are looking for some kind of
bearing when out on the horizon one of
the lookouts spots and really peculiar
set of clouds the clouds twist and turn
and begin to suck water from the sea and
the sailors realized that this is
getting closer and closer to them in
almost no time at all the storm is upon
their poor little vessel and it is
sucked up the full length of this water
spout and the ship is flung high into
the air
where terrified and hanging on for dear
life there they stay
for a week they have no idea how far
they have traveled they have no idea
quite where they have ended up until on
the morning of the eighth day one of the
other lookout spots lands we are saved
land and every grappling hook and anchor
that the ship has is flung out to drag
them to this land
a curious rounded almost shining gray
kind of a land and the sailors step off
one by one Lucian taking notes in his
journal and they walk a little further
onto this land and they realize that
it's beautiful its crystalline and
shining and glistens and it's inhabited
there are villages there are towns there
are people they turn back to look at the
ship
to cast an idea as to where they are
going and they realize that behind the
ship is a beautiful rounded blue green
marble covered in swirling clouds and
they realize that behind the ship must
be the earth but if that's the earth
then they must be just as they're about
to make this realization they hear the
agonizing cawing of an enormous guard
vulture 20 foot tall and ridden by an
entirely too tough too armor-plated guard
the vulture begins to breathe down their
neck and the guard climbs down the wings
and says we've not seen you here before
are you spies? I'm taking you straight to the king Lucian and his crew barely have
time to recover their senses before they
are pecked and clawed and shuffled off to
the palace the palace is in a state of
disarray golden and shining it might be
but it is on a war footing tables are
covered in maps and charts there are
those teeny tiny little models of armies
that are being pushed across desks and
the king is up to his elbows in
paperwork and decision-making when the
guard flings Lucian and his crew in and says we caught you some spies your majesty and
King Endymion looks up from the table
and goes spies! they're not spies they're
Greek well I'm Turkish says Lucian no
you're Greek look at the clothing
oh you are a useless Guardsman just get
back there and tidy up your vulture for
the morning brothers says King Endymion it has been too long since I have
seen people from earth tell me how have
you come here and Lucian and his crew
recount the story of how they got sucked
up and have ended up yes
King Endymion confirms it on the moon
well since you're here I'd love to show
you some hospitality says King Endymion but unfortunately we are on the eve
of war and I need every hand I can get I
don't suppose you could possibly lend me
some assistance Lucian is delighted war
correspondent what more legitimate form
of realistic writing could there
possibly be he rolls up his sleeves and is
absolutely ready for the task but what
war is this your majesty
he asks well there was some trouble in
the colonies says King Endymion I was
trying to set up new colonies on the
Morningstar and the king of the Sun got
there first and had none of it there was
a great clash all the colonists had to
come back to the moon and we've been at
war ever since and tomorrow morning
looks to be the final battle
tomorrow morning well gentlemen I'd love
it if you could join my ranks and when
we win which we shall says King Endymion
then you can all have the best of
my hospitality Oh and
how are you at riding vultures Lucien
and his crew get a fairly good night's
sleep and they are awoken in the morning
to all of the preparations of battle
troops being organized war donkeys being
blowed like trumpets to send out
messages to one troop or another and
there poor Lucian finds himself scroll and
pen in hand trying to juggle this while
standing on the back of a giant vulture
his balance is not good for this he is
struggling now he looks to the left of
him and sees the massed ranks of war
vultures to the right of him is a whole
platoon of giant pigeons whose feathers
are made entirely of Daisy leaves and
whose wings are giant bits of lettuce
and in front of him are the shock troops
the infantry division with enormous
poisonous turnips in their bags ready to
be thrown at the enemy and there he
stands knowing that the last order
before battle commences was for the
giant spiders of the moon to draw down a
curtain across the troop so that they
could not be seen from the oncoming
troops hundreds of spiders fall gently
from the sky weaving their gentle
curtain and scattering off into the
distance and then
a war donkey is blown The moment of battle is
a fearsome one and Lucien has never seen
anything like this
beaks and claws and feathers abound and
off into the distance he can just make
out the shapes of King Phaeton of the
suns troops the ground beneath him
begins to shake the very surface of the
Moon starts to thud as 20 foot high
fleas spring up ahead of them and then
land back down with a crash the giant
selection of King Endymion's base
jumpers wearing parachute dresses stand
no chance against this horde of fleas
and turnips are bouncing off the left
right and center it looks like the
battle is turning against King Endymion he is sat at the back of his
troops desperately waiting for
reinforcements knowing that none of them
are coming Lucian is struggling to
control his vulture as the next wave of
infantry flies past him
the Katamesites with their mushroom
hats and their mushroom shields raising
a lot of brave Spears of asparagus at
the enemy and Lucian loses his balance
he slips from his war vulture and lands
hard on the ground as he waits he
realizes that it's either a cracking
headache or he's just seen brave
Sagittarius and a fleet of unicorn
centaurs flying through the air to the
King's aid but no the sound of the air
changes instead of the screeching and
cawing of battle there is a buzz a
horrific uniform buzz as the massed
ranks of King Phaeton's Air Force of
enormous gnats comes breathing down on
all of Endymion's troops hundreds of
arrows rain from the sky and pinned them
to the spot even the dog-faced men of
Sirius riding their enormous acorns
stand no
hope against such a tumultuous rain of
arrows and Lucien is captured as a
prisoner of war
the battle is lost and as king
Endymion's troops march from the fields
flee are captured King Phaeton decides
he is going to get his victory in early
and begins to build an enormous wall
at the edge of the moon it is a
thousand foot high and 40 feet thick and
no sunlight passes that wall the moon
begins to cool in the meantime poor
Lucien who really didn't sign up for
this he's rotting in a jail cell in the
corner of the Sun he is surrounded by
other captured soldiers other soldiers
of the moon
one of whom dies and turns into a puff
of smoke that drifts through the bars
one of whom who has been struggling in
agonies for some time in the corner of
the cell gives birth to a baby boy
through his knees because that's how the
men of the moon give birth the baby pops
out through a knee and is vigorously
rubbed into life by one of the other men
and sure enough the mewling cries of
newborn life fill up that prison cell
Lucian has never seen anything like it
and it is said and rumored amongst the
prisoners that king Phaeton has noticed
that these Greeks I'm Turkish these
Greeks and the Turkish man are in fact of
Merit and worth to King Endymion and he
said that they might be valuable and so
when cold and shivering King Endymion
finally sends to the Sun for some kind
of treaty well the sun's got a
bargaining position now so it is that
Lucian is sent back to the moon with all
of the rest of King Endymion's troops
and the rest of Lucien's men and the
treaty is as follows that the moon will
no longer
make war on any of the stars or planets
that the morning star will be colonized
but half by the people of the moon and
half by the people of the Sun and that
all of these stars and celestial bodies
should come together in some kind of
peaceful understanding a federation if
you will and so it is that Endymion
finally welcomes back Lucian and says
Lucian it has been so good to have you
and I am so sorry that we could not
provide the hospitality I promised
please stay you can enjoy yourself here
you could become part of our community
and you know my boy is looking for a
husband and Lucian says well thanks but
no thanks I think I really ought to be
getting on my way home but of course how
he got home is a completely different
true history
