 
### For God and Country

### By Anna Scott Graham

Smashwords Edition

Copyright 2012 by Anna Scott Graham

Cover design by Julie K. Rose

Smashwords Edition, License Notes

Thank you for downloading this free ebook. Although this is a free book, it remains the copyrighted property of the author, and may not be reproduced, copied and distributed for commercial or non-commercial purposes. If you enjoyed this book, please encourage your friends to download their own copy at Smashwords.com, where they can also discover other works by this author. Thank you for your support.

This is a work of fiction. Names and characters, incidents and places are either products of the author's imagination or are used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

For my husband, who found me through a vast universe.

**Table Of Contents**

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

Chapter 11

Chapter 12

Chapter 13

Chapter 14

Chapter 15

Chapter 16

Chapter 17

Chapter 18

Chapter 1

Sheets fell over the side of the bed. Cade didn't care. Housekeeping would see to that detail.

He would collect his own clothes, not because the maids wouldn't. He just didn't want to appear that indolent. His father never stopped complaining about it and Cade tired of his histrionics.

"Get up baby," Cade whispered. Her name was Ginger. Ginger whatever, Ginger great in the sack, Ginger here today, gone tomorrow. He wouldn't pick up after her, not much to gather; G-string, very short skirt, very small bra. It was a costume, not that she needed it. Nor had she worn it for very long once they entered his room. Cade had barely locked the door and she was nude, waiting for him on the king-sized bed.

Now she needed to move; he never wanted them around in the morning, as if his father might harp on that too. "Baby, time to go." His tone was louder, but still kind. He didn't need to be an ass.

"What, oh yeah, sure." She didn't question him, they never did. They did what he said in hopes he would call them again, but what they didn't know, or chose to ignore, was they were all alike, anonymous women with whom Cade Walton slept in various cities, film sets, wrap parties, anywhere he was. Women were easy to score, easy to send off in the morning. He wondered why that was.

Was it him, or them? Maybe they didn't want to be around him longer than necessary, but Ginger shed small tears despite her confident voice. It nearly made him rescind the order.

Instead he nodded as she walked naked to the bathroom. She closed the door, for which he was grateful. He didn't want to hear her pee, or cry.

Two hours later Cade Walton took a shower, his apparel draped over the sofa, no trace of Ginger. She had dressed in what little she owned, catching his brown eyes as she stepped through the door, wordlessly beseeching him to ask her last name, her age, her hobbies. He had smiled, running a hand through thick dark hair not to tousle it, but to tame it. It only made him look more unruly, made him feel less of himself. As she looked at the floor, leaving the room, he felt small, probably how she felt, but she strode ahead, closing the ornate hotel door with grace. Her name was Ginger, he mused, rinsing off in the marble shower. Ginger was her name.

If he wanted her again, which he wouldn't, but if he did, all he'd have to do was ask for Ginger. The concierge would require little else; maybe Cade would mention she was tall, blue-eyed, long blonde hair. Very long, past her waist, rough, not her natural color. But her roots were as pale as the rest of her tresses; Cade liked neat women, and the concierge knew that too. Cade made a point of staying at the same places, easier to weave in and out of familiar hotels, easier to pretend he wasn't there at all. Just a nod of his head was necessary. Then a woman appeared, tall, long-haired, sometimes blonde, sometimes brunette, but he liked to wrap himself in their hair, run his fingers through it. Few women had large breasts, which didn't matter, as long as they were feminine in the right place.

He turned off the water, dripping on the marble floor. That evening he was presenting at an awards ceremony, which was why he was even in that hotel, one he had slept at last year while making a film. That movie had just been released, was doing quite well. The previous film had been smaller, the sort of quieter roles Cade now pursued, with more of a conscience. He was tired of being a B-actor, another cheap, superfluous celebrity. He was giving out an award that evening, not accepting one. Then he smiled; he might receive a statue.

Cade Walton had never been nominated for more than sexiest actor, several times over. That was something he had yelled at his father, better than mopping floors with people. Harlan hadn't dignified that with a response, but Cade's mother Jennifer implored her only child to back off. That had been two years ago, and he hadn't spoken to his dad since.

After that night, if Cade did more than pass off a shiny figurine, he might hear from his father. Harlan might even call _him_.

Marshall Willoughby hadn't been seen for six months. Few in the industry noted his disappearance, but pink triangles had sprung up as the awards ceremony neared. None said RIP, only containing Marshall's initials, and sometimes Cade wondered if his friend was dead. Probably not, or those triangles would note it. Newspapers made no mention of his absence, but his nomination for Best Actor had been shocking. Cade welcomed it. Times were changing in subtle ways. He wished Marshall could be present that evening, of course he was going to win. When he did, Cade would step to the podium before anyone could stop him.

Cade had thought long and hard over what to insinuate, what to leave out entirely. He would have a minute, maybe more, depending on how stunned the producers were at his boldness. Ultimately they wouldn't stop him; they had permitted Marshall's nomination in the first place.

How many pink triangles would appear after tonight? Cade felt a good number, especially in the cities. Small towns and rural areas didn't give a shit about skims, but urban centers allowed enough dissent that the taboo could be expressed. If someone painted a pink triangle on the side of a barn or grain silo, Cade doubted most would know what in the hell it meant. A few obscure individuals were out there. They were everywhere, except in plain sight. And some, like Marshall Willoughby, had vanished.

Marshall had gone underground and Cade would never see him again, unless they happened to meet in some faraway place, but Cade didn't travel where Marshall now lived. He wouldn't even know how to locate it, but Marshall had said enough to Cade while making that small, quiet movie; Marshall and his partner would flee a landscape where they weren't even supposed to exist. Cade believed Marshall had reached that paradise, didn't want to think any other way. Marshall was one of the most talented actors of Cade's generation, but that wasn't a surprise. Anyone like Marshall lived a lie.

A travesty Cade considered, inhumane and obscene, but no one said anything about it, no one did anything about it. Homosexuals survived by stripping their identities, just as Cade did. He turned into someone else with every new location; did women do that too? The ones he slept with, ones like Ginger; Cade would never see her again, not because he didn't like her or didn't want her. After tonight, he would be a marked man. Whatever he said about Marshall would have little bearing. That he would speak on that man's behalf meant everything.

Ginger would probably move from this city, never wishing to be linked to Cade Walton. Cade would face some rough days, but his father would save him, even if Harlan never called, didn't write. As a legislator, Harlan's influence was wide. Cade could do and say as he pleased. No one would touch him.

How blessed a life was that, he wondered, getting dressed. Marshall hadn't assumed such a position. He just walked away, leaving his entire career, family, friends, associates, Cade. Even Cade Walton had to be discarded, no trace or whiff of where Marshall and his partner had gone. Cade hadn't thought much about Marshall until packing for this awards ceremony. Only then did Cade consider a friend he would never see again.

They had formed a bond on that subtle set; Cade had pulled some of his best work during that shoot while Marshall was paid to do all he had ever done; lie, deceive, trick. Marshall made that film as if sleepwalking, then confessed his secret in the blandest terms over a few beers. He told Cade he was a skim, and that after the movie wrapped, he was leaving.

Cade had asked no questions. He wouldn't compromise Marshall's flight for freedom but he wondered if Marshall's family was aware, his partner's relatives; did any of them know the men were in love, breaking laws that had stood for decades, maybe a century, laws that Harlan Walton upheld, not always with a smile. Cade hated how Harlan got on his case, but respected his father for the stands he tried to take. A few overtures had been offered, not even large enough to be called gains. If someone as talented and revered as Marshall Willoughby had to disappear, much work remained.

But Cade wasn't a crusader or some bleeding heart. He was a B-list celebrity. He slept with beautiful women, made movies, showered in expensive hotels. He closed his eyes, considering Ginger's long blonde hair trailing behind her. He made people turn away; his parents, women, but that evening would be different. Cade looked into the room, the last time he would stay at this hotel in this city. He wouldn't have to disappear like Marshall, but after tonight, Cade would lay low. No use making things worse than the fallout waiting.

"And the winner is Marshall Willoughby!"

A large gasp washed over all in the auditorium. Cade sat near the stage as Marshall's name was read. Without hesitation he walked to the podium, where Chantal Anderson still shook, the crisp paper in her hands.

He kissed her, then was handed a statue from a beautiful but trembling, nameless woman; another Ginger he imagined. After tonight, he probably wouldn't see her again either.

He might see Chantal; it wasn't her fault, it wasn't anyone's fault that the producers were using Marshall to make a point. They hadn't held a gun to anyone's head, and nothing would happen to Chantal Anderson, the same way Cade Walton would be spared. Maybe she would take a long vacation after this evening, her tearful but relieved face in agreement. Both knew about their friend, who couldn't be there that evening, Cade said, wrapping Chantal's now-quivering frame against his.

"Marshall couldn't make it, but I know he'd be so pleased, God, he'd be thrilled. Wherever you are tonight Marsh, you earned this, you deserve it. Maybe one day, you can collect it in person."

Chantal wept, as did several in the audience. Cade wouldn't glance at any particular face, sweeping his eyes over the entirety. All were stunned, grateful, also stilled, as he continued. "When we made this film, I'd never worked with Marshall before." He laughed, provoking nervous giggles. "My movies, his movies, never the twain shall meet. But when I got this script and heard he was involved, I told my agent that yeah, I could slum for one picture. Just one, mind you." Cade laughed. "But this film, my God. Marsh, this's yours. You earned this through blood, sweat, and tears. And love Marsh. You earned this through love."

He hadn't planned to be so blatant, but then Cade hadn't expected Chantal still at his side. He wasn't gripping her anymore, she clutched him. The audience had stopped chuckling; they were standing, an ovation for Marshall Willoughby, also for Cade. He felt embarrassed, not for having the guts to speak, but that it cost him so little. It had cost Marshall his life, his hidden but free life. Cade might have to curtail some personal appearances, but with such rapturous applause, Chantal's sobs drenching his suit, Cade nodded. A tide was turning. It had to.

Due to the overwhelming reaction, Cade didn't stay quiet. A snowball effect took him to small appearances in out of the way places. Not film sets or fancy hotels, but cramped rooms in dingy buildings, where he met actual homosexuals, not actors by trade, but just as talented as he. More talented, Cade allowed, thespians beyond one scene or a few months' work. These people, men and women, young and old, acted every day whether they were married or single, mothers or fathers, employed or students. He wondered if they worried for their safety; he was being followed, but those whom he met were undaunted. Pink triangles had erupted after Cade's speech; a win for us all, Cade was told over and over as he shook hands, shared embraces, wiped a few tears. From all walks of life he heard similar tales of lives denied. In these encounters, Cade watched an encompassing movement form, and all he had done was listen to Marshall's words, then paid tribute to them the best he could. It was an awards show, nothing deep or lasting on the surface. Underneath a volcano bubbled.

Two months after the ceremony, Cade spoke to his mother. Jennifer Walton was worried for him, also proud. Harlan was too, she noted, and Cade smiled, speaking from the basement of another building in a city noted for rain. He adored rain, wanted to be outside, but told his mother he loved her, asked her to tell his dad the same. "I will honey," Jennifer croaked, making Cade blink tears. "Just be careful, all right?"

"Will do." He hung up the phone, wishing to be somewhere else. For the first time since accepting Marshall's award, Cade desired seclusion. It was his mother's fearful tone; the last thing he had wanted was to scare her. She was proud, which pleased him, and Harlan was too. That shocked Cade, who stared at a sopping man, coming in from the downpour splashing against blacked-out windows. Just rain, no tears. Very few tears fell at these meetings. Anger whirled instead. "Hey, you gonna be okay?"

The man smiled. "Sure. You ready?"

Another speech at another invisible rally, but not that hidden if his mother knew. Cade nodded. "They ready for me?"

"You bet. Listen, you mind if we get started?"

"You got time to change?"

The man was Cade's age, looking a little like Marshall, same build and hair color, also a tangible force of satisfaction. Marshall had looked liberated just speaking to Cade. This man, dripping on the floor, did too.

"I'm not gonna melt. Rains all the time here, we're used to it. Half the crowd's soaked to their skins. Not gonna make a helluva lotta difference to them. They just wanna hear you."

Why, Cade wanted to ask. Yes he was a celebrity. For the first time he felt proud of that, could do something with it. His fame frightened his mother, but no one would dare touch Harlan Walton's son.

"Let's get this show on the road. You need to get into dry clothes, gonna catch your death." Cade laughed, expecting the man to do the same.

"I just wanna hear them cheer for you. You've given us hope, you know?"

Cade wanted to nod, but kept still. He wasn't a politician. That was his father.

"Come on," the man said, motioning for Cade to follow him. "They're waiting for you."

Feet stomped, hands clapped, a raucous welcome. Cade stared at the phone on the wall, his mother's plaintive voice in his ears. Then he headed upstairs.

"Are you sure about this?" he asked Stella, one of the few to offer a name.

"If not now, we'll lose the momentum. Besides, what do we have to lose?"

"Your lives," Cade said.

She smiled. "I'm tired of living a lie."

He heard that often, what steadied his feet in a position he hadn't dreamed. He was supposed to be on the set, and his agent was furious. Initially Cade's small protest had brought in meaningful scripts. They could capitalize on the sudden swing of his career. No more lousy films; Cade Walton was moving to the A-list.

Now his agent wouldn't speak to him, partly from anger, also fear. Cade talked to his mother daily, but his dad had refrained. Now Harlan had to watch his own back, but after the public rally, Cade wasn't sure what might happen.

Safe houses had been offered where Cade could stay out of sight. But he was hesitant to accept that generosity; after this assembly, either the tide would turn, or things would go awry. Maybe it was better for him to stay visible. He might be safer that way.

His well-being hadn't been a consideration when standing next to Chantal Anderson. That seemed like ages ago, Cade's life and career were moving at light speed. He was a part of this movement, a mouthpiece, but at least he finally had something worthwhile to say. He laughed about that with Stella, her long blonde hair reminding him of Ginger. He hadn't had sex in ages, no longer around anyone with whom he was compatible.

Stella was his type, but she wasn't, and he smiled. "If you're really sure you wanna do this, you know I'm in."

"Lock stock and barrel?" she asked.

He nodded. "Gonna need to commit me afterwards. But yeah, all for one and one for all."

She cupped his jaw. "I used to think you were a terrible actor."

He laughed, warmed by her touch. "What changed your mind?"

"Well, I still think you're a crappy performer, but you're a better person than I allowed."

He set his hand on hers, as if she was Ginger and he was ready to send her away. "Stella, I'm a shitty actor."

"Especially compared to all of us." She fought a smile, then lost. Then she kissed him on the mouth. If he didn't know her better, he would wrap her close. She pulled away, then stroked his face. "I do that all the time to my husband. But you're a better kisser than he is."

Cade wanted to nod or say something. He knew the woman Stella cared for, but not her name. She was brunette, a few years older than Stella, had a warm smile. Cade had no idea about their lives outside these walls, rooms dark and cloistered. "Does he know?"

"Has no idea. Thinks I'm at work. I don't know what I'm gonna tell him."

Cade cleared his throat. He wanted her, wanted someone. She slept with her husband, of course she was married. Most his age and older were. They had children, lived like everyone else, but it was the biggest film set in history. "Stella, I uh..."

She laughed. "Don't get me started. Listen, I know someone who..."

"No, that's okay." He laughed. "God, if you can do it, so can I."

"Yeah, but I _do it_."

What did that mean? Then Cade wanted to slap himself. He never slept with someone because he loved them. Sex was sex, skim or not. Lovemaking was completely different.

The last person he had slept with was Ginger. That was sex, nothing more. Making love... Cade squinted, couldn't even conjure a face.

"What?" he asked, finding her staring at him.

"Where are you Walton?"

"Nowhere."

"Just like the rest of us. Let's change that."

"Yeah, let's change the world."

Stella smiled, giving him a soft kiss. "Let's do that Walton."

Approaching the rally, he was Walton, Stella's pet name picked up by all involved. They had chosen one of the largest cities in the country for an impromptu parade, so many participants that law enforcement wouldn't be able to arrest them all. And if they were peaceable, maybe no one would be hauled away.

No signs were waved, no discernible reason for their presence, other than Cade Walton, and no one's face was shown. Each marcher wore camouflage, all identities disguised. It was the only way many would participate, it also illustrated how concealed they had to be. Hands were also obscured, no way to note men from women. Bodies marched, uniform in their willingness to stand.

Rain fell, but no one cared. As a child, Cade had splashed through puddles, reciting soliloquies, seeking notice from his youth. He had never craved this level of attention, but he considered the last scene he and Marshall had filmed together. By then Cade knew that while Marshall had lived much of his life in the public eye, the most important detail had been sequestered. They had stood on a beach, rain falling then too, speaking lines, not even the end of the film. Shot out of sequence, this was set in the middle, where Cade felt he was at that moment. This rally was the turning point from where change would emerge. Cade had been awed as Marshall made subtle sentences come alive, as if able to breathe in that fictional setting. Today's marchers wouldn't reveal themselves, but they would be liberated as never before. In silence, they would make their lives count.

He thought to the conversation he'd had with his mother just that morning. She knew something was up, but Cade only said that he loved her, then had asked if his father was there.

"No honey, he's working. Cade, please, whatever you're planning, don't go, don't be there. Please honey, for me?"

"Mom, I love you. Don't worry."

She began to cry, but composed herself. "Cade, come home, we'll get away for a while. Please honey?"

He saw Stella approach, her partner at her side, brightly colored scarves over their faces, open strips where their eyes shone. Cade smiled their way, considering his last words to Jennifer Walton. "Mom, I love you. It'll be all right, trust me."

He wore a blue slicker, but no hat. Water trickled into his eyes as he led a soggy but cheerful group that wound their way down large city streets, halting traffic, gathering attention. Cade had no idea to their numbers, and no one attempted to stop them, reinforcing his spirits. But his mother's anxious tone stewed in his gut, wouldn't move.

He took long strides as if to shake off her worries. Stella and her partner stood beside him, but they were flanked by hundreds, at least what he sensed. Several thousands followed, not a single one showing their faces, indistinguishable from each other. As they reached the city park, only then did Cade understand his mother's tension. He looked into a sea of... Not faces. Masked countenances noted persons denied, hiding under hoods, hats, scarves, and mufflers, but they stood in the pounding rain, taking care their disguises didn't slip. Because of the inclement weather, Cade wouldn't make a speech, but he didn't have to. The issue hadn't been snuffed out since the awards show. Skims were on all minds, unspoken but pervasive. The marchers said nothing, yet they screamed as thunder roared, lightning crashed. They were here, they were present. And they weren't going away.

Cade wasn't sure what it all meant. He had just been sleeping with Ginger, which led to another night that opened a door. All these people had walked through it after years and years of silence and subtle degradation. Stella would leave that park, return to her husband; might he guess? A debriefing was planned in a week's time and Cade couldn't wait to learn what had happened.

Something had changed; he had seen how she gripped her partner's hand. Many were standing that way, or arm in arm, bolstering each other, or perhaps taking one small moment to stand with the one they loved and feel no condemnation, no fear. Cade recalled how easily Stella had kissed him, but she didn't love him, wasn't attracted to him at all. She was a true thespian, her life in the balance.

All these lives depended on falsehoods. Acting was Cade's career, but he could do anything else in the world. After this, he smiled, he would be looking for a quieter line of work. He nodded to Stella, saw her smile as if no mask blocked her face. She raised her arms, her partner doing the same. The crowd responded as if calling rain from the skies. One last downpour rattled the ground, followed by small slivers of blue sky. A joyous hurray filled the clearing air, appreciative embraces shared.

They had made their point, strength in numbers. Cade couldn't wait to hear from various news sources. Their presence would be lessened, but some estimate would leak. He would double it, and maybe be in the ball park. As he stepped from the small gazebo, he fell into Stella's grasp, then her partner wrenched him away, hugging him so tightly he thought he would squeak. She set her face close. "Thanks Walton. We owe you one."

He nodded, wished he could see her eyes. He was certain she wept, her voice not more than a croak. He stood back, an easy target, the only one to show his face.

As several men dressed in soaked suits approached, Cade smiled. He didn't fight, but Stella raised her voice. Cade shot her a look, then laughed. "What're they gonna do? See all the cameras, this's being broadcast live!" He said nothing more, going limp, then was dragged to a large van on the other side of the park. In a week he would ask Stella if her husband had figured it out. Maybe by her outburst, but perhaps the crowd's roar drowned out her words.

He wondered that as he was set into the van, but as the doors closed, so did his eyes, a shot administered. Cade lost consciousness even before the vehicle pulled away.

Those standing in the bright sunshine dispersed in all directions. Many had expected this might occur, but Stella wasn't as certain as Cade to his impending release. Nor were some in attendance. As marchers made their way from the park, several pulled cans of spray paint from under their clothes. Pink triangles appeared all over the city; some sported CW within their borders. Many contained RIP.

As Cade was bundled into a waiting jet, a triangle appeared on a nearby plane, a bold move by young activists. Fleeing the scene, one lost her scarf, long blonde hair flowing in the wind.

A friend handed her an extra hat. "Come on, we gotta get outta here!"

She nodded, slipping it over her head, concealing her tresses. Ginger looked back at the jet, her blue eyes teary, wondering if Cade was already dead, wishing she had told him the truth at the hotel. She gripped her friend's hand, tears falling as she ran.

Chapter 2

Isolation wrapped around Drew Clemmons like a warm, comforting blanket. He inhaled; no one was near.

Whether he was alone in the lab or checking on patients, Drew usually felt concealed, which was how he had lived since he was twelve years old. In work confines he never considered the outside; once his badge was inserted, his fingerprints scanned, he was no different than any other employee. As long as he had this job he was utterly protected.

Not due to security measures, not his clearance or quiet knowledge. As long as he was allowed to work for the government in this highly secretive capacity, his real feelings were obscured.

The last eighteen months had been a strain, one he carefully hid from his wife, his family, his bosses. Not that he caroused or cheated; it was more insidious, the ever-present sense of muted panic. Ever since Cade Walton had stirred up trouble, then disappeared, every homosexual fretted. Drew knew a few, and while they never talked about it, now if someone was outed, that was it. Drew had always lived with that threat, which was why he had married Tabitha and not messed around. He didn't love his wife, but he cared about her, and treasured his own existence. He would spend the rest of his days lying to her, himself, anyone who asked. But all that protesting had made it more difficult, taxing Drew's patience. Nothing had changed, not with the multitude of pink triangles sporting RIP Cade or his initials or anyone else's. Whether Cade Walton was a skim was moot. Like everyone else, Drew assumed he was dead, and that had been the end of it.

Still, it had been fun to watch. Drew hid his inner glee as that actor had first accepted the award for Marshall Willoughby, then led a bunch of... Drew rarely considered any of the degrading euphemisms when thinking about homosexuals, about himself. So many nasty words had been printed in the papers, aired on television. But Marshall Willoughby had been forgotten when Cade disappeared. It wasn't just that Harlan Walton couldn't liberate his son, but that it had been captured on videotape, spread around the world. Yet nothing had changed. And a year and a half later, Cade Walton was still missing.

Drew checked on a patient, then returned to the lab, where he had been reading charts when a co-worker dragged him to the commons. The scene was constantly replayed, Cade surrendering to several men in dark suits. By the time they reached the unmarked van, Cade had gone limp, but wasn't thrown in carelessly. Pretty brave of the cameraman to shoot the entire scene, but maybe it was so unexpected, no one had thought to turn away.

Over and over the images played and Drew had been mesmerized like all around him. Cade Walton was a star, but had cast his lot with the most reviled segment of society. Homosexuality wasn't just a crime, it was expressly forbidden under punishment of death. Skims that didn't recant were killed. Drew knew this because some of his patients were those people.

And as long as he could treat them, he was safe from the same agonizing torture.

He worked as his life hung over his head, ignoring that weight the best he could. Drew treated wounds of the body, attempting to heal the spirit by his non-judgmental attitude. Many of his colleagues wouldn't touch a skim, but Drew's religious beliefs permitted his involvement, and he employed that distinction to its full potential. Early on he had cloaked his actions with faith; scant others did too, but none of them were like Drew, a fraud. He admitted it only to himself; he was one of the biggest hypocrites standing. Yet he was alive, not like those he treated. Or like Cade Walton.

He married a fellow believer. Tabitha was just as strong in her views and they had spoken of Cade Walton after the rally. Drew let her bring it up; neither could fathom why he took on such a hopeless cause. It was the law, the way things were. Homosexuals were an aberration, but didn't deserve to die.

Then they had made love, no differently than any other time except that Drew nearly couldn't finish. It took every ounce of internal mettle to complete that action, and he thought it ironic that an actor had led the charge, the blind leading the blind Tabitha had said. If all those marchers really were skims, wouldn't their husbands and wives, parents and children realize it?

She never knew Drew's affections were fabricated from the deepest recesses in his soul. He coated her with tenderness and intimacy of the most hollow and invented natures and she had never questioned him. Eight years since they married she was still oblivious, but was starting to talk about children. Drew didn't mind, it would cement them more. She could have two or three babies, proving his love and devotion with each one. He never brought it up, but would acquiesce to whatever it took to remain on this side of the law.

He considered that, reading the chart of the newest addition to the ward. The thirty-three-year-old patient had suffered a heart attack, but glossing over his other injures, Drew wasn't surprised. The man had been sleep deprived over the course of several months, just one way authorities attempted to change minds. Drew wasn't sickened by their methods; he turned off that part of his heart as he slipped his badge in the door, confirming his identity. He was Dr. Drew Clemmons, married to Tabitha. He wasn't a skim, he was a real man.

Drew wondered why this man was here; the heart attack had nearly killed him, and if all they wanted was another piece of meat, Drew was sure one of his other patients would suffice. He walked quickly to where this new addition was held, in ICU at the end of the ward. Drew inhaled cool air, was nervous. He never felt that way here. He was allowed to work in one of the most secretive locations, not far from the portal. No way in hell they would let a suspected homosexual that close to the gateway.

He rarely considered it, had never seen it. Some of his patients were skims, but a good number were aliens, slipping into their universe by means that Drew never pondered. He was a doctor, not an astrophysicist or in the military, even if he worked on a base. For five years he did his job, never asking questions, but word got around. Why they didn't just send homosexuals to other planets he never asked, but it rankled. If they were so condemned, why not ship them away?

As he came to the last door on the ward, he was stopped by a soldier, toting a weapon. Drew stiffened, then smiled. "I'm here to see the patient."

"Can I see your ID?"

Drew didn't drop his grin, showing his badge. He was Dr. Drew Anthony Clemmons, short blonde hair, blue eyes, six foot even, two hundred ten pounds. Tabitha was always on him to exercise more or eat less, but she still cooked all his favorites and never seemed displeased by his ample frame. Most of the marchers were slim, hard to tell genders, but Drew assumed the taller ones were male. He wasn't a small person, wasn't a weakling. Male homosexuals were considered fragile, females masculine. Drew didn't understand those connotations; they were all fearful, no gender less than the other. If women were supposedly more manly, wouldn't they defy convention and be themselves?

The soldier handed back the badge. "Here you go, just protocol you know."

Drew nodded, then stared at him. Was it his voice, the way he seemed to shrink from any more than the expected etiquette? Drew had been around enough skims to read the signs, their eyes carrying tremendous fear and immense loneliness. He didn't glimpse at the soldier's face again, didn't want to give away what he assumed. The soldier was homosexual; Drew would bet his life on it.

Instead he opened the door as he would in any other circumstance, not wishing to breach the man's privacy, or perhaps compromise his own. As Drew stepped toward the bed, he shivered.

The figure was emaciated and naked, an IV in his chest keeping him alive. His entire body was hairless, even his groin, recently too, not a single pubic hair or speck on his head. He looked like an alien, but he was like Drew, a man. Or if he was an alien, he was a new species.

But that hadn't been noted on his chart, just an unfortunate soul, more than having suffered a heart attack, more than sleep deprived; he was on _the list_. Unspoken was where this man had been held and all that had been done to him. In Drew's five years, no one other than abject criminals had come to this ward looking worse. Drew flinched; they were keeping him alive to torture him again.

Who was he, Drew wondered, looking at the monitors, heart rate and blood pressure maintained only by the inserted tube and oxygen delivered through nose prods. Someone high on the list, someone Drew didn't want to know. This wasn't just a skim; he would already be long dead.

He was close, inhaling some miserable involuntary action, why did this man keep breathing? That wasn't forced; he was managing on his own somehow. Drew took his pulse, then nearly dropped his hand. The man was frigid, lying fully exposed. He wouldn't recover that way, but Drew wouldn't alter arrangements until he had spoken with his superiors.

His job was to note the patient's vitals, which registered so low Drew didn't understand how he remained alive. Drew made notes, then set down the chart. He touched the man's face, again flinching, the skin so cool, as if he was dead. But he took a breath, startling Drew. Then the man's eyes opened.

"Shit!" Drew leaped back, nearly knocking over a table. He stared at those eyes, still wide.

Drew eased toward the patient. He wasn't supposed to talk to him, but couldn't stop staring at his eyes, not like other patients; this man wasn't homosexual. He was alive, seemed to have something to say.

"What?" Drew whispered. "I'm a doctor, what is it?"

"Not for God or country," the man muttered. "Not for God or country."

"Sure, of course. Not for God or country." Drew stroked his face, wishing he would close his eyes.

"Kill me, please. Can you just kill me?"

Drew inhaled again, shaking his head. "I'm a doctor, I'll take care of you."

The man moved his face back and forth, but it took all he had within him. "I can't hold on. Just let me go..."

"What've they done to you?" Drew's thoughts emerged as audible tones. He grasped the man's hand, still so cold, but it was instinctive. He was supposed to save lives.

"Tell my father I'm here, tell him I love him, and that I'm sorry."

"Sure, of course. What's his name?"

As the man spoke, Drew felt ill. "Harlan Walton. Tell him I'm so so sorry."

Drew picked at his dinner until Tabitha complained. Then he ate in a rush, attempting not to taste it, trying to wash away that day's findings; that man was Cade Walton. The voice had been raspy, the body unrecognizable. But his eyes were so bright, also aware of too much affliction. He wanted Drew to end his life because he knew why he was there; to be made well enough so they could continue persecuting him.

When Drew left that room, conferring with another colleague that the man might do better to be kept warm, he didn't look at the soldier, couldn't make eye contact with anyone. Coming home, he had brushed Tabitha's cheek, and she hadn't asked questions. Rare were the times work affected him to this degree, and she knew better than to press. He couldn't tell her, couldn't say anything about what he did, saw, encountered. That day was the worst. He had stumbled upon a living corpse.

A man wishing to be dead, a man cognizant of his fate. Cade's words pummeled Drew's head: _Not for God or country_. He had been tortured for his views, they wanted him to recant. A few times Drew had heard the same from skims, especially those he had recognized. Occasionally a familiar face passed through his ward, but he never saw them again, not in the hospital or in their previous positions. The authorities wanted Cade to repudiate his actions. All Cade wanted was to die.

Drew didn't blame him, couldn't get that image from his mind. Cade had been shaved from head to foot. He was still exposed when Drew left the room; Cade wasn't to be covered, and how that would impede his convalescence, Drew wasn't sure. Torture was still being applied, but Drew had no basis on which to complain, only to note that an ill man needed to be kept warm. Drew could state that, but nothing more.

If he argued, he might be removed from the case. That was the last thing he wanted, which surprised him, but he couldn't appear to invest too much time or emotional attachment. Then Drew smiled. What was he thinking? He couldn't risk anything for Cade Walton!

"Honey, you feeling better?"

Tabitha's voice was warm, concerned. Drew looked at her, then stood and she wrapped him close. Her frame was similar to most women, small breasts, slim and angular. It made it easier to make love to her, for other than her long hair, she nearly looked like a man. Then he wanted to vomit. Cade had looked asexual, as thin and stripped as any Drew had ever seen. He swallowed, then gripped his wife. "I want you."

"Oh Drew, yeah. Baby, I love you."

He nodded, unable to reciprocate that sentiment. But in their bed he made her howl. She had no clue he didn't love her, no idea at all.

All week Drew looked after Cade; by Thursday he had convinced his superiors that Cade's condition wouldn't improve unless he was kept warm. They were medical professionals, but also bound to limits imposed by whoever had brought Cade to the facility. When Drew left Cade's bedside on Friday afternoon, he seemed warmer, if only to the touch.

On Monday, Drew found his patient in a more secretive area, but he was still assigned to Cade's care. Drew was given a new badge, had to pass through extra security, then found two soldiers guarding the room. He didn't ask what had precipitated these changes, but still noted in the familiar soldier's eyes that same raw fear.

Cade lay under a thin sheet, his head covered in sparse brown stubble. If they tried to shave him again, Drew would say something, too much for Cade to take. Even running an electric razor over him was detrimental, and Drew took his pulse, noting tiny hairs on Cade's arm. They turned to goose bumps as Drew touched him.

"I'll be here all week," Drew whispered. "I won't let them hurt you."

No notice was taken of those words, but Drew didn't think Cade was unconscious. His hand wasn't limp, his breathing seemed stronger. Drew wanted to know why Cade had been moved, but unless someone told him, he would remain in the dark.

Later that afternoon he learned that someone had infiltrated the facility. The homosexual soldier was in a chatty mood after his backup left for lunch. That was Cade Walton in there, he pointed.

Drew didn't smile, only nodded his head. In the solder's appreciative tones, Drew felt a kinship, but couldn't imagine anyone spiriting Cade from this area. This was the bowels of the entire establishment. In fact, the portal might be around here. All the extra security demanded a reason, and not just for one high-profile prisoner.

No mention was made of that, and when the other soldier returned, voices resumed their previous implacable stance. Did the soldier realize his enthusiasm, did he assume Drew was a skim too? As Drew went for lunch, he didn't ponder it. All he wondered was where the portal might be.

By Wednesday he knew, entirely by accident. An alien had been accepted, in need of immediate treatment. He hadn't survived, but Drew had been ferried to where the being had arrived, three hallways from Cade's room. Drew hadn't even needed his badge, correctly assuming once that far into the facility, no further security measures were necessary. The portal was a large vertical chamber transporting people from this universe to others, but Drew wasn't supposed to know this much. He wondered what would happen to him after Cade was gone.

Could they just debrief him and return him to his previous ward? He asked no questions, hoping his silent but personable manner would suffice. The soldiers had no such qualms, they were dispatched to various locations, but as a private citizen, Drew wasn't under any such jurisdictions. Just as Cade had disappeared, so too could Drew Clemmons, no one the wiser.

That evening he left as usual, no additional questioning or anyone obviously following him home. Tabitha was out with friends, leaving a note that she wouldn't be home until late. Drew looked at his calendar; she had marked this date weeks ago, but work had distracted him. When she called, making sure he had found dinner in the fridge, she sounded happy, unaware. Drew told her to have fun, then decided he was being paranoid.

His wife wasn't part of some conspiracy; he wasn't being set up for a fate like that of Cade Walton. Drew hadn't seen him much that day, too busy attempting to save an alien's life. He hadn't been successful, but had done all within his knowledge. The authorities had ordered Drew to keep trying, their urgent voices necessitating procedures that weren't allocated to a man three corridors over. Cade was being kept alive by the thinnest of margins, but no remedies had been spared for a being from another universe.

Drew looked around his home; Tabitha had done all the decorating, was still talking about a baby. The last few nights she had mentioned it, as if easing Drew's mind. He had barely thought about it, too consumed with Cade Walton. Now there was the portal, but that made Drew nervous. He had been exposed to far more than most of his colleagues, as if having crossed a thin, invisible line. Cade was in that position, had asked Drew to kill him. Drew walked around the house, it looked like any other house. Then he stepped outside. The rainy season was upon them, months and months of refreshingly damp days. Drew loved rain, but spent so much time at the facility, often he only encountered it getting to his car. He rarely used an umbrella, and Tabitha grimaced when he came in sopping wet. Like a kid, she would say.

He didn't feel young, carrying the weight of the world. He had felt this way longer than Cade Walton in his sights, since realizing his attraction to men wouldn't change. For over twenty years Drew had lived with a stone around his neck, now he felt it would break his back. He lied to his parents, his wife, his supervisors. Could he lie about Cade Walton?

Cade wanted his father to know he was sorry. Drew had said he would pass along that message, another untruth. Drew's life was this comfortable, tasteful home, his odd but substantial job, his wife, yet all were faulty, unreal. Nothing in his life was factual, nothing mattered. Drew trembled, then walked to the room Tabitha wanted for the nursery. If they made a baby, would that be true, or would he possess the same sense of futility, even if attached to his son or daughter, a child made in deceit. Harlan Walton's son was suffering a slow, tormented death. Might that one day fall on Drew's offspring?

The next day he arrived in a soft mist. Drew looked at the facility, then to the sky. Clouds were full and heavy. He walked quickly to the front doors, then watched as rain crashed to the ground. He wondered if it would still be falling when he left for home.

He pondered that until he reached security. Instead of scanning his badge, he was ushered into a small room, that badge taken. He was given a new one, but his picture was gone, replaced by bar codes. He didn't question, following two different soldiers down a long, bleak corridor. Drew said nothing. Perhaps Cade had been moved again.

They reached a thick door, where his fingerprints were scanned, also his retinas. Then Drew was escorted down several hallways, finally reaching the wing where Cade still waited, the portal too. They had taken great pains to lead him here a new way, what did that mean?

Drew thought about that as he was introduced to the doctor now in charge of Cade's care. Drew had never seen this man, but the homosexual solider remained on duty. Drew didn't acknowledge him, instead listening to his new boss. "We need to prepare him for transfer. They're tired of waiting for him to recover."

Drew nodded. The doctor's voice was resigned; at least Drew wasn't alone in putting Cade's health first, but both had been overruled. "How long do we have?"

"They're coming for him tomorrow. What they expect with all the restrictions they've put on us, I have no idea."

"What do you want done today?"

"Keep him warm, hydrated. They won't let us do much more than that." The doctor stared at Drew. "They're just going to..." He shook his head. "Those are my orders. Keep him warm and hydrated. If you can think of anything else..."

Drew had no ideas. Drugs to heal Cade's weakened heart hadn't been allowed, as they might have strengthened other atrophied muscles. Instead simple sedatives had probably done more harm than good. Cade had been able to rest and when he returned to wherever he had come from, he would be more resilient, for a time. Eventually he would succumb to sleep deprivation or that unforgiveable chill. Drew wanted to be sick, the agonies people inflicted upon each other. He didn't consider his own situation, mild in comparison.

"I'm going to be away all morning," the doctor said in a low tone.

"All right, I'll be here."

"You shouldn't."

Drew looked at the man, at least a decade older. "Yeah?"

"I'm going to be away all morning," he repeated. "All morning."

Drew shook, then cleared his throat. "I see."

"Do you?"

"Yes."

The doctor nodded, then turned to leave. He took two steps, then stretched arms over his head.

Drew didn't understand until the man departed. Then he closed his eyes, thinking back to the rally, right before Cade Walton was taken away. All those marchers had raised their hands to the dull raining heavens. Drew hadn't seen it live, but like Cade's limp body being set into the van, those scenes were replayed for days. Drew wondered if that doctor had been among the marchers, or was just another silent individual. Then Drew's heart raced. That doctor wouldn't have made such a bold statement to just anyone.

That doctor knew Drew was homosexual.

He sat, holding Cade's hand. If that doctor knew, others did too. They had used Drew for their purposes, but now Cade was being removed, and Drew no longer had his proper badge. He wouldn't walk to his car that afternoon, whether it was raining or not. Some incident would preclude his departure. Drew wondered for how long this had been planned, then he lost those thoughts as Cade stirred.

"What, where, Dad, Mom?"

"Cade, it's okay. I'll protect you."

Wide clear eyes met Drew's. "I, I remember you. You've been here the whole time."

Drew smiled. After their initial conversation, few words had been exchanged. Cade was often unconscious, or hadn't owned the strength. "We're getting out of here today, you and me."

"They'll kill us first."

"If they catch us."

Cade nodded, but Drew didn't think he believed him. Drew wasn't sure if he believed himself. A knock interrupted and Drew went to the door.

The homosexual soldier held his gun. "I'm to escort you to get a new badge."

"Yeah?"

"Well, uh, yeah. Yes sir."

Drew knew he was lying. He was going to be eliminated. Drew hoped that was all. He didn't want to be tortured.

"What about him?" Drew asked, pointing to Cade.

"I'm only here for you."

The words were chilled, honest. Drew nodded. "They'll come for you soon enough."

"What?"

"I know about you."

The soldier shook, then stared at the ground. "What, I, what are you talking about?"

"He's nearly dead, trying to save..." Drew wasn't sure if the soldier was only following orders, or more. "Trying to save skims. You're a skim."

"No, that's not true, that's a lie, that's, that's..."

"They'll kill me and you're next. If they find out."

"Please, oh my God, please, I'll, I mean, oh shit!"

Drew pulled the trembling young man into the room, then closed the door. "How long do we have?"

"Oh God, I dunno. They just sent for you, I mean, they told me to come get you."

"Where are you supposed to take me?"

"Uh, back to the main ward. They told me to take you to the doorway to the main ward."

This young man was given the most believable information. He had first seen Drew on that ward, where Drew should return.

But if they were intercepted first, the young soldier would surrender Drew to whoever outranked him. "Listen, I know who you are, but I don't care about that. All I wanna do is get him out of here."

The soldier shook, then stared at Drew. "Him, are you kidding? They'll kill you both!"

"Not if I have your gun."

"What, my God! This's crazy, you can't just..."

"He's been tortured for your sake." Drew glanced at Cade, who tried to turn toward them, but only managed to move his head their direction.

"Listen, all I know is I'm to take you back to the ward, that's all they said."

"I'm not going back there. Now you can either help me or..."

"Or what?"

Drew inhaled. "Or I'll knock you out. They'll think I overpowered you."

The soldier set his head in his hands. "No, my God, they'll think I surrendered."

"Not if I really knock you unconscious."

Their eyes met. "Are you serious?"

"I need to get him out of here. Give me your gun."

The soldier handed over the weapon. "Just don't kill me, okay? But make it look real, you know, like..."

Before the young man could finish, Drew beat him over the head. The soldier fell in a heap on the floor. A thin trickle of blood emerged, but Drew didn't go to his aid.

Instead he held the gun, then stepped to where Cade lay awake. "What the hell are you doing?"

"I'm getting us out of here."

"Did you kill him?"

Drew looked at the slumped form. "I think he'll live."

"Now Cade listen, you need to stay with me, okay? You need to hang in there, all right?"

A muffled groan was all Drew heard. After he removed the IV, Cade began to fade and Drew hoped he would survive the transport.

They reached the portal doorway, which was guarded by three soldiers. From around the corner, Drew shot one, ordering the others to drop their weapons.

One man did so, but a woman lifted hers and Drew shot her dead. "Kick your gun down the hall," he barked.

The lone soldier nodded, then did as he was directed. Still toting his weapon, Drew dragged Cade, scanning for any additional guards. Reaching the soldier, he stuck the end of the gun at the man's back, forcing him inside where the portal waited. "Close the door and lock it. I need to get him outta here."

The soldier followed orders, then turned to Drew. "Where do you wanna go?"

"Hell, I don't care. Somewhere safe, some place where he won't be hurt, you understand? He's Cade Walton, okay? You know what that means, right?"

The soldier nodded, looking like the one Drew had assaulted, that same caged fear. He stepped to the display, hit some buttons, opening the portal. Drew lugged Cade into it, still pointing the gun. "Now send us somewhere safe, I don't care where, just a universe where he won't be harmed any longer, all right?"

"Yeah, whatever you say. Just don't kill me!"

Drew looked at the floor of the doorway, blood seeping in from those he had shot. Gripping Cade, he nodded. "I won't hurt you, just do as I say."

"Yeah, oh God, okay."

Their eyes met, and Drew shivered; another homosexual trying desperately to conceal his turmoil. The young man nodded at Drew, half scared, also emboldened. "I know a place where he'll be safe."

"Good, just do it!" Cade was a dead weight against Drew's side. "Cade, damnit, stay with me! You gotta stay with me!"

As Drew spoke, the portal's door closed. Through a small glass partition, he watched as the young soldier smiled, then bent nervously over the display. Drew stared at the door, which opened to several soldiers filling the room, guns pointed. Gripping his patient, Drew said a prayer, then closed his eyes. One way or another, they were leaving this world, the only one either had ever known.

Chapter 3

As the doors opened, Drew took a breath. Three people ran toward them and Drew's first words emerged with another quick gulp of air. "Please help us, he's dying!"

Sound bounced off the back of the portal, pushing Drew forward. He dropped the gun, releasing Cade's fleeting frame into the hands of two women, one of whom collected the shrunken man, rushing out of the room. Her colleague ran after her, shouting _a code red_. Drew hoped he hadn't been too late.

"Are you all right?" a man asked, running his hand along Drew's face.

Drew flinched, then nodded. "I'm fine, but he's near death. Please save him."

The man stepped back, Drew noting his long brown ponytail whipping behind him. "Call for Burroughs, Code Green."

Others responded, but no one approached with a weapon, nor did they look apprehensive. The man returned to Drew, but didn't touch him. "I'm Dillion, Bill Dillion. You're safe here, no one's going to harm either of you."

"Yeah, okay, sure." Drew nodded, felt a chill. "Where the hell are we?"

"Kezar. We saw your point of origin, we're a similar species. We'll do everything possible for your friend, what's his name?"

A woman entered the room, her command evident as others moved aside. "Well Dillion?"

"He's Cade Walton and I'm Drew, Dr. Drew Clemmons. I've been treating him..."

She also touched Drew's face, her smile kind. "If you're a physician, let's get you down there. We're gonna need all the help we can get."

Drew didn't cringe from her touch, then hoped the man wouldn't be offended. But Drew had no time to speak as the woman, tall and imposing, took Drew's hand, leading him through the clustered throng. "Dillion," she called back. "When you're done, come find us, ICU ten I think is where they took him."

"Got it!"

That was the last Drew heard as they raced down the hall.

He didn't have time to consider much beyond his surroundings. These people looked like him, although the women all had ample bosoms and were the same heights as the men. Drew was glad for his stature, on somewhat of an equal footing. Otherwise they were no different, not outwardly. Internally, he hoped for the same.

Cade was intubated, monitors attached, a drip line inserted into his chest as before, but the fluids weren't clear, a soft pink liquid sent into his bloodstream. Within moments Drew had learned Cade had already been scanned, his weak heart noted alongside other ailments Drew hadn't been allowed to unearth, much less treat. Cade was malnourished, but Drew had guessed that. He carried several viruses, might possibly be under some hallucinogenic influence. Drew didn't know what had previously gone into Cade's IV, but this facility seemed more advanced, or was at least willing to fully treat him.

The woman, Glenna Burroughs, stood next to Drew, off to the side, while doctors and nurses attended a man looking more like a large infant. Cade had suffered during transit and Drew wondered if he shouldn't just be allowed to succumb. Then he noted one woman, blonde and busty, taking Cade's left hand, stroking his fingers. She sat by his head, leaned close to his face, but Drew couldn't hear her over the din of medical directions. At least if Cade died, someone soothing was with him.

Drew wanted to be on Cade's other side, but too many precluded his presence. Then Glenna squeezed his hand. "Can I speak to you for a moment?"

As Drew nodded, they moved just outside the room. "I know you must have a dozen questions, and we have some for you. But first, if he doesn't make it, are there any rituals from your planet, anything you want done?"

"What, uh, no, I mean..." Drew sighed. "Nothing I mean, oh my God. I just don't want him to suffer. If what they're doing can save him, great, but he's been in tremendous pain for a long time."

She nodded, then looked to the doorway where voices had quieted. "Maybe they have him stabilized."

A doctor poked his head toward them. "Can you come here please?"

"His name's Drew Clemmons," Glenna said, leading him that way.

"Clemmons, I need your opinion."

As they neared the bed, the woman continued her gentle words; that he was all right, he was safe. They would take care of him, he didn't need to worry, no one would hurt him. She didn't use Cade's name, but their languages were the same, and as Drew stared at the monitors, most of the numbers were also correct. Cade's blood pressure and oxygen levels weren't much higher than before, but they weren't fatal. He explained that to the doctor, who had hastily introduced himself as Robert Turner. "So this looks all right to you," he said to Drew.

"Yeah, my God, yeah." Drew looked at the man dressed in white scrubs, looking every inch a physician. "Dr. Turner, maybe he'll pull out of this."

Many eyes fell on Drew and he cleared his throat.

"What did you call him?" the blonde woman said.

"Uh, you mean doctor?"

Robert Turner smiled. "I'm a para, but thanks for the compliment. Listen, when you get a moment, I'll want all the information you can give us. We know very little of your species, but he was in such bad shape, we took some chances. His heart's the worst, but I think he's stable for now. Morse, you agree?"

The blonde nodded, still stroking Cade's hand.

"Are you sure Turner?" Glenna asked.

"Not by any stretch. But tonight he'll sleep." He looked at Drew. "We've given him several medications; one's a sedative, so he'll be out for a few hours at least."

"He needs the rest. And to be warm. They kept him cold; there wasn't anything we could do about that." Guilt coated Drew's words.

"Yeah, his body temp's pretty low. We're warming him gradually, don't want him going into shock."

Drew nodded, felt like he could fall into similar straits. But at least Cade wouldn't be tortured anymore.

"Turner, if I can have Dr. Clemmons for a moment..."

"Sure, but don't go far. Dr. Clemmons, we'd like to keep you close until we know he's out of danger."

"Uh sure, of course, I'm at your disposal." Drew felt dizzy, but the blonde's cadence calmed, repeating those soft phrases as Glenna Burroughs led Drew from the room.

"You're going to be all right." Annie Morse stroked the man's cool, limp hand. "No one's going to harm you. You're safe here."

She heard Burroughs and Dr. Clemmons leave, then Turner cleared his throat. "I'll be back in a few."

"Go ahead," her voice that same gentle tone. "What was his name again?"

"Walton, Cade Walton."

Annie nodded as Turner stepped away. Cade Walton, she pondered, looking at the most pitiful example in her tenure. He wore a knit hat, only his face exposed, but Annie had seen him being intubated, then the IV imbedded in his chest. Now he was covered to his neck with a warm blanket, easing his body temperature slowly. His care would proceed one measured step at a time.

She stared at the monitors, then had to look away; was he really alive? Caressing his hand, she mumbled a litany rarely offered. Not many aliens needed such reassurance, but few had arrived looking as bad as this man, Cade. Annie shivered, then clasped his hand with small force, trying to maintain her professional armor. But it was difficult, as she peeked at hollow cheeks and sunken, closed eyes. Had her mother known this sort of uncertainty when Annie's father was so ill? Annie had never imagined understanding her mom's anxiety, not that Cade was anything other than another patient, but something about him stirred her. He should be dead; a long trip through the portal, and how had that even occurred? So many questions swirled about Cade and Dr. Clemmons; Annie looked forward to reading Burroughs' report, once it was circulated in the mainframe. No one from the men's planet had made it through in years, well before Annie's time. Then she looked at Cade. Her parents weren't even married when that happened.

"You're going to be all right," she said, words her mother Mara had probably shared with Gale Morse. Occasionally Annie had wondered how her mom forgave, but maybe it was Gale's vulnerability, his helplessness. A wave of recognition passed through Annie, and she shook her head. She had never considered Mara's mercy with more than a daughter's thankfulness and small wonder. This man had done something considered criminal to be so harmed. Was it on the scale of Gale's transgressions? Yet those had been committed under duress; were this man's actions equally excusable?

What could constitute such extreme cruelty? Since taking this position Annie had never witnessed such abuse, and her throat grew tight. Murmurs filled her ears, similar sentiments shared, and she exhaled, not alone in her shock. She found Robert's wife blinking small tears; Annie wanted to ask if she had ever seen anyone this close to death, but that would sound unprofessional, or perhaps just too heartbreaking. Instead she repeated comforting words, trapped in the present and the past, as if she was her mother, and this was Gale. Some reason existed for Cade's deplorable condition, but was there a plausible excuse, an adequate explanation? Gale's health had been compromised, leading to his indiscretions. Observing her parents' turmoil, Annie had been torn. With Cade, her curiosity was tempered by a newfound understanding. Maybe Cade Walton had committed severe offenses, maybe he was a murderer, but she doubted it; Dr. Clemmons didn't seem the type to risk his life for a dangerous prisoner.

"What happened to you?" Annie whispered, not wishing to be so inquisitive, also hoping Sharon Turner didn't hear her. "Whatever it was, you're safe here. No matter what it was, we won't judge you. We love you."

That slipped, what her mother had said to her father. Mara had spoken for herself and her children, and Annie's chest thumped. She forgave because she loved her dad, knew he hadn't meant to lash out. But Annie had always wondered how a wife absolved such indiscretions. Looking at Cade, Annie then closed her eyes. She had never felt so invaded by a patient, her professional demeanor and detachment always intact. She wished Robert would return, or that Sharon would step away. More than anything, Annie wished she knew what this man had done to be lying so maimed, barely alive. Cade Walton wasn't any more than a shell. Her father had been the same, but it hadn't been his fault.

"I think he's already responding to the Atraxin," Sharon said. "I'm going to find Robert."

"I'll be here," Annie mumbled. She looked behind her, watching Sharon slip from the cubicle. Alone, Annie reached for Cade's cheek, still cool to the touch. She checked the monitor; his heart rate had stopped fluctuating, his body temperature was starting to rise. Then she gazed to his pale, wasted face. "What did they do to you?" she asked again, in near silence. Tenderly she set both of her hands around his. "Whatever it was, you didn't deserve it."

In a small office not far away, Drew sat with a cup of what seemed like coffee, only cooler, with less bite. He drank it, not caring for the taste or temperature, but he needed something down his throat. Recent events still made him slightly sick. The homosexual soldier's slumped form was forgotten over the two dead soldiers bleeding on the white tile floor. But now he was on another planet, he was an alien. He sipped the liquid, then set the cup on the table. "What do you wanna know?"

Glenna smiled, reaching for his hands. "Is this all right?"

What, Drew wanted to ask. That he had killed two people, but Cade was alive. That he had left his wife, parents, planet, everything known. That he sat in a similar setting to where he had worked for the last several years but would never return. Or did she simply mean the basic laying of hands. That man, Dillion, had touched Drew's face, then this woman did the same. Now she clasped his hand as if she knew him well. "Is what all right?" Drew said.

"My touching you like this. Is that all right?"

He nodded. "Is that your way, I mean, that guy, he did the same as you, touched my face."

"We're an effusive species, but we know so little of yours. I hope we've not offended you."

"You're saving his life, not persecuting me." Drew sighed. "This all happened in a matter of moments." He tried to explain the last few weeks, but how to express in words a planet's entire history? "Cade's a political prisoner, was brought to my facility, the base I worked at. He'd been tortured, was dying, and I couldn't let that happen."

He wanted to tell her the basis for their flight. Drew inhaled, then looked at the cup. "Can I, uh, have some water? Do you drink water?"

She smiled. "Sure. By evening, the coffee's pretty awful."

"That's coffee?"

She stood, looking down the hallway. "Can you get Dr. Clemmons some water?" She looked at Drew. "Are you hungry?"

"Water's fine," he said, his stomach growling.

She smiled. "Are you sure?"

"You heard that?"

"I did."

"A sandwich, anything. Just uh, no more coffee."

"Try it in the morning, it's better then."

As Drew ate soup and two sandwiches, he answered every question Glenna broached, from his occupation to personal life, then to Cade. Drew didn't conceal his homosexuality, asking for asylum, which Glenna said wouldn't be a problem. As she made notes on a flat, electronic device, Drew explained that was why Cade had been tortured, that on their planet homosexuals were... He stumbled. "We aren't allowed. They'd rather kill us than acknowledge our existence."

She nodded. "That, Dr. Clemmons, is one piece of information we are aware of. As soon as our technicians noted your origin, we were waiting for you."

"Have others come through the portal?" he asked, nearly choking on his food.

"Yes, then traffic stalled. We had an agreement with your planet, but that was many years back."

"Can you, I mean, they'll know where we are, won't they?"

"I imagine so. But Dr. Clemmons, you and Mr. Walton are safe here. We don't extradite anyone for their beliefs." She smiled. "On Kezar, we make no judgments on, as you put it, homosexuals."

"Are we not called that here?"

"It's an old term. We don't differentiate based on sexual preferences. I'm gay, it makes no difference."

"Gay?"

"It's an expression, like saying you're a man, I'm a woman, or that you're a doctor and Turner's a para."

Her grin was contagious and for the first time Drew felt at ease. Sitting across from him was a woman in a powerful position, telling him she was homosexual. "What's a para?" Drew asked.

"A physician. Well, a cross between a physician and a nurse. Mr. Turner is one of our top physicians."

"Do you use the term doctor?"

"Only for those who treat psychiatric conditions, but we're happy to call you Dr. Clemmons."

He shook his head. "No, please, Mr. Clemmons, hell, Drew's fine."

She nodded, leaned back, then looked at her device. "Now Mr. Clemmons, from what I know of your planet, gays aren't permitted any rights."

He laughed. "We're not allowed to exist. Cade was leading a march for..." Drew stopped. Not liberties or acknowledgment; what had the movement, albeit short-lived, been about, creating an ideal society where Drew could have loved who he wanted, not married to save his life, not had to kill two people... "Ms. Burroughs?"

"Please call me Glenna."

"If you'll call me Drew." He reached for her hands, which she took in her own.

She smiled. "Drew, we are a tolerant society and you will suffer no harassment or persecution for your choice of partner or lifestyle. I realize that may sound unbelievable, but in time you'll see both you and Mr. Walton can live free, open lives. For the time being, we'd like to keep you here, near Mr. Walton, and we may ask to test medications on you. As I said, it's been fifteen years since any of your people have come through the portal, and none of them required serious medical attention."

"Whatever Cade needs, I'm your guinea pig."

She smiled, squeezing his hands. "Hopefully it won't come to anything so drastic." She sighed, leaving a gentle kiss on Drew's hands. "Hopefully he'll pull out of this unscathed."

As Glenna responded to a call, Drew was given her tablet, as she called it, with all the details Kezans had about his planet. Information was sparse; whoever had made it through fifteen years before noted little other than the planet's intolerance of homosexuals, of gays. Here Drew was gay, no more than a characteristic describing someone's gender or ethnicity. Various racial groups were represented, similar to Drew's own planet, and if being gay meant no more than noting an aspect of his individuality, Drew had no quarrels. He was a man, blonde, fairly tall, although maybe not so much here; Kezans seemed robust, especially the women, far more endowed than females at home. Tabitha had very small breasts, his wife. Drew had left her, his parents, two brothers, his home. A home that had no use for him unless he ignored his sexuality, denied his feelings. Here on Kezar, that wasn't an issue.

He read that this planet once had a peace treaty with his, but that it had been nullified shortly after the last transfer of his people through the portal. Drew had been in medical school, hadn't yet met Tabitha. At twenty years old he was dating a fellow med student, but Colleen wanted a commitment. Drew hadn't yet realized how trapped he was, had small hopes that perhaps he could live with someone he really loved. Reading over the details, he shuddered, just a young man's fantasy.

Glenna returned, the man with the ponytail beside her. Drew stood, setting the tablet near his empty dishes. "Dillion wanted to speak to you," Glenna said.

"Listen, I'm sorry for how I reacted." Drew hadn't meant to jerk at the man's touch, sticking out his hand. Then he wondered if handshakes were too subtle for these people.

Drew received a strong grip. "You have nothing to apologize for. You just looked so scared and I, well..."

"No, it's just me, I uh..."

"I explained to Dillion the circumstances." Glenna smiled. "He's gay too."

Drew's jaw dropped. "Well, I uh..."

Then Glenna sighed. "Oh I'm sorry Drew, I didn't mean to..."

"No, that's uh, God, common knowledge. But if it really doesn't matter..."

"It really doesn't," Bill Dillion said.

Drew looked at him. "You have no idea what that means to me."

"I'm sorry that it means so much."

Drew didn't respond, except to again reach for the man's hand. Their handshake was softer that time, more the way Glenna held Drew's hands. A novel sensation for Drew, to openly touch another man without fear of reprisal, which he explained in a croak.

The trio returned to where Cade remained, but the plethora of staff had departed. The blonde hadn't left Cade, and now Drew pulled up a chair, taking his other hand. "Cade, if you can hear me, it's all right. Everything she's told you is true. We're safe now, completely safe." Drew gave a quiet chuckle. "Even me Cade, even me."

"Dr. Clemmons, Turner would like to see you as soon as you're available." Her tone was as soft as before.

"You can call me Drew."

She nodded, then looked at her patient. "Certainly."

Drew noted her devotion to the man lying so still. "Are you a nurse?"

She smiled at Drew. "I'm a para, like Turner. But I specialize in psychological care."

"Annie Morse is one of our best paras in that field. She'll be with Mr. Walton until he leaves the facility," Glenna said.

"Well, one of his carers." Annie looked at Drew. "I'm on shift every four days, so you'll get sick of my face soon enough."

Drew nodded, flooded by a wave of gratitude. These people were candid, sincere. Or at least they were putting on a good show. If nothing else, Cade was warm, being cared for, wouldn't be harmed. Drew's gut told him this was authentic. He was only a doctor, a para more likely, and Cade's celebrity meant not a single thing. They were aliens, like the one Drew had treated yesterday. Yesterday he had spent over an hour trying to save an alien's life. Now the same treatment was being given to Cade.

Drew looked back at Glenna and Bill; they used last names, maybe that was customary. Or maybe protocol for this facility. Protocol; those homosexual, or gay, soldiers, what had happened to them? Drew hoped he had only caused two deaths. He had killed two people, but Glenna knew that. Would they extradite him on murder charges?

He stood, giving Annie a warm smile. She was Annie, and Bill and Glenna stood behind her. Names weren't strange, they drank coffee, not very good coffee, but if it had been out all day, maybe Drew would try some in the morning. They used similar medical procedures, and Drew needed to endure some, making sure whatever they were giving Cade wouldn't kill him. Then he laughed, stepping away from Cade and Annie. Drew could leave this man in her care.

Glenna and Bill followed him out. "Are you okay?" Bill asked.

"I uh, yeah. Just feeling punchy."

They stared at him.

"Punchy, you know, tired, been up way too long."

"You're toast," Bill smiled.

"Exactly," Drew said as Glenna chuckled. "What time is it anyways?"

"Twenty-two fifteen," Glenna said, looking at her watch.

"You use military time?"

"That's just what time it is," Bill said.

Drew smiled, so many similarities, but how many differences waited? "That's what we use, or what I used at work. Otherwise it's ten fifteen. At night," he added.

Bill nodded. "I suppose it is. I never thought about it that way."

"I never thought..." Drew wanted to say that he could speak with two openly homo... Gay, they were gay, he was too. They were all standing together and no one was rounding them up, ready to march them to prison. "Are you really both homosexual?"

Glenna smiled but Bill laughed, a friendly tone that warmed Drew. "Yeah, but no one uses that term here."

"Takes too long to say. All right Drew, I think Turner wants to run a few tests." Glenna reached for Drew's arm. "Is this all right?"

He patted her hand. "You can't know how good it feels."

For the first time he wanted to weep until he couldn't move. If he woke in the morning and this was all some dream, at least for these few hours, Drew had lived as a free man. He could leave Cade in Annie's hands, be escorted wherever they wanted to take him. Maybe they would lead him back to the portal, send him home. He looked at Glenna. "I told you what I did back there."

He saw Bill look at the floor, then begin to walk away. "No, wait." Drew called him back. "I told her, I'll tell you. I shot two people dead. Now if that's enough to send me back, please, just let Cade be. I'll take whatever punishment..."

Bill reached for his face and this time Drew didn't cringe. "You won't be held accountable for those actions. At least not by me."

"Drew, our government recognizes what you did to free yourself and Mr. Walton was committed under extreme duress. We have no extradition treaty with your planet and even if that was the case..."

He didn't hear the rest of Glenna's statement, only the initial words as Bill nodded, his hand still on Drew's face. Drew noted the depth of Bill's brown eyes, earnest and undeviating. When Bill removed his hand, Drew then heard Glenna's tone, also sincere. Then her words ended. As he walked away from Bill, Drew felt at peace. When they reached a room where Robert Turner waited, Drew looked back. Bill Dillion remained, gazing Drew's way.

Chapter 4

When Drew woke, he felt sick and drowsy, as if stirring from a nap in the middle of an illness. His eyelids fluttered, but he made out Annie Morse, then Glenna Burroughs. Robert Turner stood on his other side and Drew smiled. "The gang's all here."

"How do you feel?"

"Like shit." He tried to sit up, then fell back, nauseous. "God, how long did I sleep?"

Annie stared at Glenna, who looked at Robert. "Drew, you've been out for over thirty-six hours."

"God, I feel like crap. Can I have some water?"

He looked at his arm, saw the IV. He vaguely remembered that, right after lying on the gurney. He was going to test some of the basic drugs that Cade had been given, not the heart medication, but the sedative, also a few others that wouldn't cause any lasting harm. From the worried faces, Drew wondered if Cade was all right. "Is he okay?"

"Cade's still sleeping. Drew, you've been unconscious for nearly two days."

"Yeah?" he smiled. "Musta really needed a nap."

"Drew, the Tricin we administered was very small dose, at least for us. You should have been out for four hours max. Now you suffered some extreme experiences right before your arrival, but honestly..." Robert took a deep breath. "We kept you on a drip because you nearly slipped into a coma."

Drew stared at them. "Is Cade, is he..."

"He's toyed with us," Robert smiled. "Fortunately the other medications counter some of the Tricin's effects. The heart drug, Atraxin, stimulates the muscle, probably what's kept him from falling into a coma."

"But not me."

"We have adjusted Cade's meds; he's receiving just a trace of Tricin. We need him to remain unconscious for a while. His heart's responding to Atraxin better than we expected. We scanned him five hours ago. Very little damage remains."

Drew nodded at Annie's words, could barely speak. Cade's heart had troubled Drew; the ragged, strained beats had seemed those of an old man. "Can I see him, I..."

He tried to stand, but had no energy. Drew closed his eyes, then took a breath. "Maybe not quite yet."

"When you're mobile, maybe eaten something, we'll take you there. He's just a few doors down."

Annie touched Drew's hand and he gripped her fingers. Cade needed this woman next to him. "Yeah, sure, but Annie, you go sit with him. I'll be fine as long as don't have to drink any coffee."

Glenna laughed, then explained to Robert and Annie. But Drew tuned out, wishing Annie would return to Cade's bedside. Drew didn't want Cade left alone.

It took another day for Drew to feel like standing. He accepted a wheelchair, even for those few feet, wanting to see Cade, confirm Annie was with him. Glenna pushed, but once near Cade, Drew went to his feet, then sat on Cade's right. "Hey, long time no see."

Cade wasn't intubated anymore, but a tube remained imbedded in his chest. He wore a soft knit cap and his coloring was better, probably due to his heart's repair. Drew stared at... Was Cade his friend? They were now, for better or worse, but perhaps the worst stood on the other side of the portal. Annie smiled at Drew, then told Cade what had occurred. That Drew was the token guinea pig and that when Cade woke, he owed Drew at least one dinner, maybe a couple.

"When will he wake?" Drew asked.

"We're not sure. Tricin has been halted for now. If his vitals warrant another dose, I imagine we'll give it a try."

"How much was he given?"

She sighed. "Just a basic dose. Tricin is a simple sedative, like for trouble sleeping. It's taken in capsule form most often; you and Cade were given intravenous doses, but that shouldn't have made a difference."

"Can I try a pill, I mean, see if that matters?"

"Maybe Turner will prescribe that, once we get further down the road." She nodded at the chest tube. "We were just stunned at how little you both can take."

"Lightweights," Drew said.

She nodded. "But the Atraxin was another surprise. Usually that's administered over a matter of weeks, sometimes months, to receive the results Cade shows." She cleared her throat. "We never see that kind of recovery this swiftly."

"But he's bucking the trend."

"You both are, on many levels."

Drew held Cade's hand. His fingers weren't cold, not even cool. "He's warm, my God, he's warm!"

Annie smiled. "His body temperature has been stable for several hours now. He still shivers sometimes." Then she looked at the floor.

"Any idea why?"

Her blue eyes were shy. "When I set down his hand, then I notice it, others have too. He shivers, but his temperature stays the same."

Drew chuckled. "Well maybe he just likes your presence."

She didn't answer right away, then she grinned. "Maybe."

That evening, Drew walked to the cafeteria on his own power. He had been given accommodations on the floor above, where others slept during shifts. The closest town was ninety minutes away by train; due to environmental concerns, cars weren't permitted on this planet, which was littered with hundreds of domes each encompassing several square miles. Drew hadn't been outside to confirm this, but accepted it. He had traveled far into another galaxy. What did a domed environment matter now?

Annie slept in a room down from Drew's, but he hadn't seen her anywhere except at Cade's bedside. He didn't notice her at the cafeteria, sitting with Glenna and Robert; Burroughs and Turner. They called each other by their surnames, but he was still Drew.

The food was similar, but he avoided the coffee. Glenna teased, told him in the morning it would be fine. Drew would try it out of curiosity. He was curious about many things.

But not all. He didn't care if he lived under a dome; he was free. Glenna's partner joined them, another tall, buxom woman, and they were as affectionate as any married duo. Drew tried not to stare, but Glenna met his eyes, then reached for his hand. Then she excused herself, asking him to join her.

They spoke in her office, behind a closed door. She had encountered his species when she first joined this facility. Right before the treaty with Drew's planet ceased, Glenna had been assigned to the portal, meeting with newcomers. "We don't call you aliens," she smiled at Drew. But this had been her initial meeting with someone from another world.

Glenna didn't go into specifics, not how many universes used portals, nor the politics involved. Only that the para had been terrified to return to Drew's homeland, scared for herself and for the woman who accompanied her. They weren't partners at that time, Glenna noted. Only another situation like Drew and Cade, a doctor and their patient fleeing a hostile environment.

The para hadn't been as open as Drew, but eventually her reason for seeking asylum was clear. Her patient, later her partner, wasn't as injured at Cade, why Drew and Cade had been overdosed, for which Glenna apologized. Drew didn't care about that. He wanted to know about those gay women.

Had they adapted, did they still live there? Glenna didn't reveal their current location. They had stayed at the facility for a few weeks, bonding as the only ones of their species, also alone in feeling so strange. Their disbelief was palpable until they moved to the nearby town of Larkin. Over time they realized their natures weren't deviant or incorrect. The last Glenna had seen of them was right after they had married, over ten years ago.

Drew nodded, taking a breath. Then he smiled. "That's like some unfathomable dream to me."

She took his hand. "I understand your incredulity. I know because I watched them day after day looking over their shoulders, never relaxing. They always assumed the bottom would fall out. Part of me wanted to shake them; I was young, had no idea about that kind of torture but..."

"It wasn't torture," Drew smiled. "Unpleasant, but not damaging."

"It was to them, for a long time."

He wanted to chuckle, but didn't, not wishing to offend this competent woman. Maybe for females it was harder, and while it was strange, Drew couldn't wait to... Then he sighed, letting that chuckle free. "Glenna, it's going to be an adjustment. But Cade was sleep deprived and God knows what else and..."

"Drew, you use a word that they did, God. I tried to ask what it meant, but other things took precedence. What is God?"

He stared at her. "Do you, I mean, you don't believe in God?"

"What is God?"

"Now that's a good question." Drew's faith had kept him out of certain discussions, but now he no longer needed to hide behind it. Suddenly he felt naked. What was his faith if not a cloak? "It's uh, well, for those of us who believe, God's an all-powerful deity who created our planet." He smiled at her gaping face. "God is also an exclamation; it's sprinkled throughout our vernacular. It's not supposed to be," he smiled. "But it's a common exchange," and he sighed. "At least to many."

"Faith," she said, leaning back. "Now that's an issue we could expound on all day. I've heard of it from other species. We don't have that here."

"None?"

"No. We rely on ourselves and look toward the future. It's why we're even back on this planet."

He nodded, scraps tucked away for later study. "Well one of these days, if you want, I'll give you some details."

She stood, extending her hand. In his short tenure, Drew knew she didn't want to shake, but to take his arm. This species was effusive, but without faith.

"Drew, that would be a pleasure. I'm always eager to learn about our neighbors, even those I can't imagine ever understanding."

He nodded, her words not lost to him.

They walked arm in arm, finding Cade and Annie in their usual positions. She held his hand, he lay unconscious. Drew took a seat and Glenna asked a few questions. Then she said her goodbyes, squeezing Drew's shoulders.

He watched her leave, then noted Annie's smile. "Yeah?"

"Burroughs really likes you. She's not that warm with all newcomers."

He blushed, then sighed. "There's so much to learn. I've never felt this ignorant, not even in med school."

"Oh we feel the same."

"But that's part of your job." Drew had never attempted the sort of therapy Annie did; she had barely left Cade's side.

She continued caressing Cade's hand, and Drew couldn't look away from her tenderness. What if he had been able to proffer that understanding to a... He never wanted to think of himself as homosexual again, some demeaning, derogatory term like a death sentence, what had occurred to his patients slapped with that same miserable label, dehumanizing them. "I never did enough," he muttered, staring at Cade's covered form.

He wore clothes under those blankets, even if just hospital issue. He was deeply asleep, but no longer drugged to keep him that way. Only Atraxin and some antibiotics to combat illnesses that might or might not have reached him accidentally. Drew wouldn't be surprised if they had injected him with bacteria; at this point, Drew wouldn't be shocked by much.

Not from his own people, but from this species, he had much to learn. "So Annie, tell me about your planet."

She smiled. "What do you want to know?"

They talked about the domes; the atmosphere was polluted with toxins, even after a thousand years. A horrific war had poisoned the air, forcing all Kezans from their homeland for half a millennium. Two centuries later the first domes were constructed, but it took another one hundred years for a colony to be established. Two hundred years ago more domes were erected, and now over three million people, mostly Kezan, called this planet home. Millions more Kezans lived on other worlds, but clusters of domes were being constructed all over the planet. As they were completed, Kezans were repatriated to an outwardly dead home world. Only within the domes were people safe.

"Why even come back at all?" Drew asked, having taken Cade's other hand. Annie's gestures were hypnotic, and he smiled, realizing his actions were something he never would have done before.

"Arrogance," she said, then grinned. "We're a proud species; it's one of our shortcomings. Also our strength. We killed this planet and we'll resurrect it too. It might take another millennium, but one day my descendants will stand outside and feel the sun on their faces."

Depth lined her words, as if she alone accepted the weight of her people's ancient misdeeds right alongside futuristic dreams. They thought in centuries as if it was nothing. Drew wondered if gays back home ever conjured such fantasies. He never had, not even after Cade Walton disappeared.

"So if I stepped outside this building, what would I see?"

"Oh Drew, I didn't realize you'd not yet been out. Okay, so right now," she glanced at the clock. "It's nearly dark, so you probably wouldn't tell any difference, not out here. In Larkin, that's the nearest town. In Larkin the streetlights glow against the dome. So it would still be night, but not completely dark. It's never completely dark in towns or cities."

"And during the day?"

"Well, the sky, I mean, we call it the sky, no one says _the top of the dome_ ," she said with a brief giggle. "The sky is a yellow-ish blue, but that's only been for the last hundred and fifty years. For one hundred fifty years a blue sky has existed. I know it's meaningless to you, but all Kezans know our history; the war, the flight, the return. The return might seem like the most important part, but the first five hundred years after the war are just as vital as the subsequent centuries."

"I need a history book," he smiled.

"Did Burroughs give you a tablet?"

He nodded. "Waiting in my room. Suppose I should crack it."

She stared at him. "Like break it?"

"Oh no, cracking the books. Books, you know, books?"

She shook her head.

"Oh my God, no books?"

"Oh like..." She released Cade's hand, making folding motions that Drew understood. But he watched her halfheartedly, trying to observe Cade. To Drew's small delight, that man began to shiver.

"He needs you," Drew said softly.

Annie's blue eyes went from Drew's face to Cade's quivering hand. As soon as she touched him, he calmed.

"Do that again," Drew asked.

"Why?"

"I wanna check his vitals."

As Annie set Cade's hand on the bed, Drew watched Cade's pulse race, his blood pressure bounce. Drew's eyes darted from those fluctuating numbers to Cade's trembling body, then to Annie's anxious eyes. Was she nervous from a medical standpoint or...

"Take his hand." Drew watched the monitors. Annie's actions returned the numbers to normal.

"Tell him you're stepping away, but that you'll return." Drew whispered that request.

"Cade, I have to go to the bathroom. I'll be back in a few minutes."

"Now, let go of him."

She did so, but Drew didn't watch her step away. He focused on the screens, then Cade's body, which did react, but with less force. Then he grew still, his pulse slightly elevated.

Drew held Cade's hand, but that made little difference. Drew turned to Annie, standing in the doorway. She held herself, her mouth twitching. Drew nodded to her, but instead of returning, Annie Morse walked down the hall, not in the direction of the restrooms, but the elevator.

Drew stayed with Cade until Sharon Turner arrived. She was Robert's wife, also a nurse, working the same shifts as her husband. Drew said nothing about Annie's exit, but Sharon relayed that Annie had requested her break. Drew also kept mum about their experiment, his research. He left, but didn't head upstairs. He wanted to speak to Sharon's husband.

Turner, as Drew was starting to think of him, was in his office, near Glenna's. That woman was still Glenna; was it easier to think of men by their surnames? Drew considered Bill Dillion, that man's first name attached. But Robert Turner was just Turner, and they spoke honestly about Cade's health. He would probably survive, but anything could happen, and Turner would hedge his bets until Cade woke.

Drew smiled, appreciating comparable figures of speech. Their languages were strikingly similar, but a few terms eluded. Drew asked when something was unclear, Turner doing the same. No questions were raised about Kezar's domes or history, only Cade's prognosis, which was a day-to-day curiosity. Turner didn't express the same level of disgust with Cade and Drew's planet. He was more interested in the men's physiology. "I wish I knew why Atraxin works so well for him."

"How different are we?"

"Not that much; one heart, similar cardio, digestive, and reproductive functions. You have this small organ, like a pinky, near your right hip; it extends from the large intestine..."

"An appendix," Drew laughed.

Turner smiled. "What does it do?"

"Absolutely nothing. If it becomes inflamed, it's removed. Has no discernible purpose."

"We have something similar, off the left stomach wall, called a gorge, but it doesn't do a damned thing."

Drew hadn't heard that expletive, or any others, from anyone's speech. "Damn is a word we use too."

Turner looked around, but no one stood close. "It's a bad habit. My great-great-great-grandfather used it constantly when I was a kid. He's very old, some Kezans live well over two hundred years. He's still around, cussing up a storm. Says he won't die until it's back in use, maybe more reason for me not to say it."

They spoke of Kezan longevity; Turner's ancestors were known for extended lifetimes and he was expecting the same. "Runs in families. Not sure if it was from the war, or some mix with other species, but there's a few of them scattered throughout the domes. Not everyone in my family lives forever, but Great Grandpa says he's not going to die until he can step outside for himself." Turner laughed. "Says that'll be what kills him, good old fashioned fresh air."

Drew smiled, then felt a chill. From his quiet estimates, perhaps up to ten percent of his planet's population was gay. Men and women alike were persecuted, but for a short time some had fled here, allowed to restart their lives. He wanted to ask Turner about that, but the para seemed happier talking shop, be it the wonder of Cade's heart or his elderly grandparent.

They chatted another twenty minutes, then Drew said his goodnights. He stopped to see Cade, Sharon not holding his hand. She read to him from a tablet; they knew what books were, but they seemed like relics from their past. Or maybe they had learned of them from other planets, wherever they had lived prior to being repatriated here. But that would have been long before Sharon, Annie, Glenna, or Turner were alive, more like Turner's great-great-great grandfather, Dirk. Robert called him Dirk, easier than saying his own name over and over. But even Dirk Turner had been born here, called Kezar home. Drew grew drowsy, so many things to learn, but some important matters had been discovered. Physically the species were nearly the same. And as Drew stared at Cade's monitors, numbers nearly normal, this man would probably pull through. His lasting prognosis was completely questionable, but Drew suspected if Annie Morse held any sway, Cade would live as long as Dirk Turner.

For days Drew was a sponge, talking with all the staff he encountered. He hadn't seen Bill Dillion since standing with Glenna, wondering if his actions would precipitate his return home. But that was now a settled issue; Drew Clemmons had been granted full asylum, as had Cade Walton. If the men wished, they could apply for Kezan citizenship. Drew might; their planet had lodged formal complaints, noting Drew's involvement in the deaths of two soldiers and the kidnapping of a dissident. Glenna Burroughs introduced Drew to Mitchell Hardin, her supervisor and the head of operations at the facility. On behalf of his superiors Mitchell welcomed Drew to their homeland. No actions would be taken against Drew, and a rebuttal had been sent to his planet, outlining the torture Dr. Clemmons had suffered, as well as Mr. Walton. Drew stiffened with his inclusion, but didn't argue the point. The point had been made; both men were safe.

They were safe, they were free. Even if a delegation came through the portal, neither Drew nor Cade would be returned. Drew didn't weep in front of Glenna and her boss, but in telling Cade and Annie, Drew wiped a few tears. Then Annie gasped. "He's squeezing my hand! Cade's squeezing my hand!"

"Cade, shit, Cade!" Drew watched as Annie's fingers were grasped, small but evident motions. "Cade, it's okay. We're staying here, we're not going back there."

Now Drew could feel slight squeezes. "That's right, we're here, I'm here, my name's Drew." He laughed. "God, I know so much more about you than you do me, but that's okay, gonna have plenty of time to talk. Cade, I'm okay here, all you were fighting for, it's irrelevant here. I'm gay, we're called gays here, and no one's gonna kill me. Me or you, we're safe Cade, we're finally free."

Drew's broken voice echoed through the room, filling with paras, nurses, even Glenna had been summoned. He missed Glenna's tears, wrapped against her partner, the women still awed by inhumane customs. All Drew saw were Cade's fluttering eyelids, then a man blinking, as if too many truths pulled him from sleep.

Cade looked at Drew, who nodded. Then he stared at Annie, first her face, then blinking more, to her body. Her chest, Drew realized, as Cade's words emerged. "Jesus fucking Christ, you've got enormous tits!"

"I can't believe the first thing you said was something about her breasts."

"Hey man, my God, I just, well, shit. They all have big boobs."

Drew smiled. "Yeah, I noticed it too."

Cade laughed softly. "See, it wasn't just me."

They held hands; Cade liked holding people's hands and Drew hadn't minded at all. Was it that Drew could do so and no one cared? That still shocked both men, but Cade was coming around faster than Drew. Cade's initial statement had made Annie blush, then a roar of laughter emerged, Glenna leading the way. She recalled the women from Drew's home world as rather flat-chested, and relieved Annie when she stood. Cade admired Glenna's bosom next, noting all the women's physiques. Two days later he alternated between bouts of hilarity and small stints of stoicism. During both he always asked when Annie was coming back.

Drew had said Cade scared her off, but Cade dismissed that idea. She had to come back just so he could apologize. He also hadn't offered her a decent thank you, felt awful about that. He felt much worse about that than what he said about her breasts, still on his mind. "So what are they here, amazons or something?"

"They're just, uh," Drew leaned close. "Not small people."

"No shit." Cade smiled. "Man, I feel puny. God, I hope she comes back."

"She will," Drew chuckled. "I bet you..."

"What?"

"She'll be back."

Cade nodded, then closed his eyes. "Hey Drew, I probably haven't thanked you enough either."

"Cade..."

"No, I mean it. Shit. Oh man..." Cade inhaled. "Someday we'll have a couple of beers, a good old bull session." Then he opened his eyes. "They have beer here?"

Drew wondered if the celebrity in Cade stirred his words, or perhaps just the man. Sometimes Cade seemed too glib, but maybe it was part of the healing process. What Cade had suffered would take years to untangle. Drew hoped Annie would return in that role, or other paras specializing in psychological medicine.

"They must have beer. They have coffee," Drew laughed. "A poor facsimile of coffee."

"Someday I'll have a cup." Cade looked around the room, his movements slow. From turning his head to drumming his fingers on the bed, everything required great effort. He was far from sitting up, and walking was weeks down the line. The IV still pumped fluids and Atraxin into his bloodstream, but no Tricin had been added. "So Drew, this place, Kezar, where in the hell is it compared to home?"

Drew didn't blanch at that word in relation to their planet. "From what I've learned, about a thousand light years away."

"But this portal-thing, it's like instantaneous, right?"

"Yeah. But don't ask me to explain the physics of it."

"Shit, I can barely wrap my head around..." He paused, then grinned. "Hey Annie!"

She stood in the doorway, gently tapping her foot. Her arms were crossed, but her smile shone. "So Mr. Walton, I see you're still with us."

"Haven't gotten rid of me quite yet."

She kept smiling, but Drew saw more under her skin. This man, for instance, Cade was a tattoo all over her. Drew wondered about the ethics; could she continue to treat a patient to whom she was obviously attracted? Drew didn't miss it, but maybe his eyes were the most open.

Annie Morse walked toward them, still with arms over her chest. Cade asked Drew to help him sit forward, but it took all Drew's effort, Cade with little strength. As Annie reached them, she kissed the top of his head, then set him back on the bed. "You're nowhere near able to sit up Mr. Walton. Let's take things one at a time."

She never called him Mr. Walton before, always his first name. Drew listened to her words, watching Cade's eyes not leave her face. He didn't stare at her chest, only her eyes and smile, which remained wide and teasing.

"Annie, first I gotta apologize..."

"Mr. Walton, from what I gather, women on your planet aren't built like females here."

"They're sure as shit not."

She struggled not to giggle, but Drew laughed. "I'm outta here."

He stood as Annie sat, taking Cade's hand. "Don't go on my account," Annie said.

"No, I need to get some lunch. Cade, behave."

"I'll endeavor not to make a complete ass of myself. Come back soon."

"Of course," he said, glancing back before he stepped away. Annie caressed Cade's hand, and Drew smiled.

"I really am sorry," Cade said. "It's just I've never seen..."

"I understand." She grinned. "Something that Drew never commented on, not until you mentioned it."

"Well, it's not as important to him."

"No, I suppose not."

Cade stared at her eyes, so blue. He had slept with a woman with similar eyes, but that was ages ago. "Annie, I really am sorry."

"Cade, all's forgiven."

He smiled. "You called me that, called me Cade. I remember your voice, yours and Drew's. His seemed older, I mean, I'd heard it for longer, maybe not that much longer. Weeks I guess, one or two." He grinned. "Between the both of you, I came back to the land of the living."

"And we're so glad you did."

Her tone was playful, but he detected small traces of worry. "What's the worst that can happen now?"

"What do you mean?"

He laughed. "Nothing. I'm alive, nothing's better than that."

She stroked his face, making his eyelids flutter. "Cade, you're right. You're here, alive, talking to me. I wasn't so sure that would happen."

He kept his eyes closed. He was tired, also warm. It had been months, coming on two years, since those sensations were simultaneous. But he knew sleep was far away, they had never let sleep near him. "Annie, I'm not gonna fall asleep, but will you stay with me, just keep talking to me?"

"Of course. I'm here to help you, we're all here to ease you through this."

He nodded. "You understand, don't you?"

"Cade, we'll take this however you can muster. If you need to talk, or if you need quiet. You're in charge."

"Just don't let go of my hand, okay?"

"I won't."

Sleep stood in the doorway like some last exit that if Cade reached it, nothing would ache, feel bone-chilling freezing. Nothing would pluck hairs from his body, nothing would leave him in his own waste on an icy, steel floor. Nothing would whisper in his ear the same words over and over: _For God and country Cade, for God and country._ He could still hear it, as if they had implanted it in his head.

But another cadence emerged, soft and loving, just one voice. He smiled, his eyes so heavy, too heavy. Sleep never found a way beneath the lids. "Annie, just talk to me. Tell me what you did before."

She continued stroking his hand, her words smooth and tender. "Cade you're safe now, I won't let anyone harm you."

"You promise?" he whispered.

"Of course. Cade, can you go to sleep?"

"No, but that's okay. Just stay here until Drew gets back."

With his eyes closed, Cade missed Robert adding Tricin into the IV. Drew stood beside him, watching as faint pink drops disappeared into clear liquid. Cade had been awake since his faux pas, far too long for any person regardless of their species. Annie's gentle voice eased the beginnings of Tricin into Cade's system. Within minutes the particles dissipated. Then Cade was deeply unconscious.

Chapter 5

Cade slept for three days partly due to exhaustion, also from the Tricin. Even a minute dose seemed to overwhelm him, and Robert and Annie weren't sure what might occur once he was taken off the Atraxin. They discussed easing Tricin into his system over the course of a few hours, diluting the already tiny amount. Drew volunteered for testing, and was given a similar dose to Cade. The affect wasn't as severe, but Drew slept for over a day. When he woke, feeling sluggish, Annie and Bill Dillion sat beside him. "Okay, how long this time?" Drew mumbled.

"Over twenty-four hours." Annie squeezed his hand. "You guys are complete lightweights."

Drew smiled, then squinted. "Is he still out?"

"Resting comfortably," Annie said. "How do you feel?"

"God, hung-over." He had a small headache, slight nausea, and didn't wish to move.

"Hung-over?" Bill repeated.

Drew looked that man's way, then chuckled. "Like I've tied on one, you know, drank too much."

Both Annie and Bill looked perplexed. "Don't you get drunk here?"

"What's that?" Annie asked.

Drew laughed. "Oh Cade's gonna love this. Mediocre coffee and no beer. Drunk, it's like, well, do you have anything alcoholic, I mean, something mood-altering?"

Annie giggled, then Bill laughed. "Mood-altering, yeah but..."

"But what? You don't drink it?"

"People here usually don't imbibe in those sorts of..." Annie laughed. "Mood-altering substances. I mean it happens, but..."

"So no beer, huh?"

"Beer?" Bill asked.

Drew sighed. "Cade's gonna owe me something else then." His throat was dry and he nodded at the water on the side table. Annie held a straw and Drew sipped most of it. Then he smiled. "The coffee's lousy and there's no beer. Well, that's the breaks. So, I've been out a day, huh?"

Annie cleared her throat. "Drew, you were very deeply asleep. Once Cade's off the Atraxin, I don't know about any more Tricin for him."

"Well, maybe by then he'll be able to sleep on his own."

"Hopefully," she said.

He noticed her uncertain tone, also the way Bill looked to the floor. "What?"

"We don't have much background on your species, not physical reactions. But we've treated others suffering from sleep deprivation. It takes time for patients to find normal sleep rhythms again. We'll just have to see how Cade responds."

"Well, maybe the stimulant in the Atraxin's keeping him alert."

"It might be," Bill said. "Once that's removed, maybe he'll adjust better."

Drew stared at him. "Are you more than a technician?"

"Bill's had experience with other newcomers in similar straits as Cade. He's going to be part of Cade's entourage."

"One of his groupies," Drew smiled.

Annie and Bill did too. "We're all going to be his groupies for a while."

"How long?" Drew asked, trying to sit up. Bill offered a hand and Drew felt calm in Bill's able grip.

"No idea. A lot will be up to him."

"Well, if he has his way, he'll be out of here tomorrow. Or whenever he wakes." Drew inhaled, then looked around the room. Not his room, but a medical space. "When can I go upstairs?"

"When you don't feel, what was that word?" Annie smiled.

"Hung-over."

Bill's laugh struck Drew, nothing hidden or veiled. Drew grinned, then looked at Annie. He felt safe with them, completely secure. When was the last time he had felt that around anyone? Not since he was a child, before he realized he was gay.

"Drew?"

"Oh uh, sorry." He looked at Annie, then Bill. His hair sat in the usual ponytail; back home men didn't wear their hair long, only women did. What sort of home had that been, a place where Drew never took an eased breath. He inhaled and while it smelled of a hospital, it carried no fear. He let it out, only air. Who he was wasn't still bottled up; he didn't have to constantly wonder if he was being observed. He reached for their hands, feeling Annie's kindness, Bill's concern. Then he looked at that man, more than concern. Drew nearly took his hand away, an instinctive reaction. With defiance, he gripped Bill's fingers, finding an equal pressure.

Then Annie stood, leaving the room, but nothing was said. Bill continued holding Drew's hand, back and forth squeezes lasting for over a minute. Then Bill cleared his throat. "If you want to talk, I'm available. Others are too," he added.

"Just help Cade. That's all I ask."

Bill gazed to the wall, then into Drew's eyes. "You were harmed as well."

The words prickled Drew's neck. "Not like he was."

"All sorts of methods of persecution."

Drew took his hand back. "What I lived through was mild compared to Cade."

"But you endured something."

Drew reached for the water and Bill handed him the cup. Drew's grasp was shaky, but he sipped the remnants, then put it back on the table. "All that matters is that he recovers. I can't change the past or what I didn't do for others. All I can focus on is his well-being."

"Then do you mind if I look after yours?"

Bill's voice teased, and Drew fought a smile, then lost. "No, I don't mind. Not much to note."

"More than you think."

"Yeah?"

Bill stood, then poured more water. "I always wanted long hair as a kid, drove my mother crazy. Finally, when I was twelve, she let me grow it out. When I was seventeen I got really sick, and they had to cut it off, needed to alleviate pressure on the back of my brain. When I woke, my mother was beside me, holding my hand. I'd been delirious, maybe hung-over, does that translate?"

Drew nodded, feeling sick that this man had been in danger.

"I vaguely remember someone telling me they were going to cut off my hair. It was the first thing my mother said, so gently, because she knew what it meant to me. Not that I know why I like it long." He smiled, gripping the ponytail. "But I was so angry once I realized it was gone, didn't see how worried my family was about me. I have two brothers, both younger, and I'd scared them thoroughly. Scared my parents beyond belief, but all I was cared about was my hair. Now, that in no way compares to what you and Cade have endured, and afterwards, when I realized just how ill I'd been, I apologized, realizing how foolish was that pride. By then, well, my hair was to my shoulders." He chuckled, then sighed. "Drew, they took something intrinsic from you, told you it was wrong, was worthless. Don't diminish that, don't pretend that doesn't matter."

Drew couldn't stop staring at Bill's hair. Tabitha's lengthy mane was the one part of her Drew had admired. Other parts of Bill caught Drew's attention, but that hair; Drew wondered what it would look like loose, falling over Bill's shoulders the way Tabitha's had rested.

"What?" he said, realizing Bill had stopped speaking.

"Are you hungry?"

"Oh uh, yeah. Yes I am."

"I'll get you a sandwich, or soup? Which would you prefer?"

Drew knew he had missed something, but nodded. "Whatever's fine."

Bill smiled, but his steps were slow. He left the room, disappointment dogging his heels.

By the time Drew felt normal, Cade woke, not as roughly as Drew had. The Atraxin, Robert and Annie agreed, but Cade only noted how with the help of a few drugs, he would be fine.

He said this in Drew's presence, when Glenna visited. When it was just Cade and Annie, he admitted how odd it was to just sleep. "Drugged or not, it was like some dream. But I don't know if I did dream anything."

"You were in REM sleep. Often we don't recall dreams, only those right as we wake. Maybe the next time you fall asleep."

"The next time you put something in my IV," he smiled.

"We'd prefer to put nothing in it."

"Well, you're gonna need to give me something. I don't sleep Annie. They trained it right outta me."

His voice was glib and she sat beside him, taking his hand. "One day it will be all right."

"Yeah?"

She nodded. "Eventually."

"Sure, of course." He laughed. "One day I'll be up and around, outside this place. But not outside-outside," he smiled.

"No, that's true."

"Anyone ever go out there, you know, repair work or..."

"Some do, under tight precautions."

She looked away and Cade took a breath. "I don't know what happens next. I feel like I'm outside, no one's gonna let me in."

"It will take time. Probably more than you want."

"No shit."

"But we won't put any time restraints on your recuperation."

"My rehabilitation," he laughed dryly. "That's what they told me at first. I was gonna be rehabilitated."

Her hand encompassed his, and that made Cade close his eyes. Something about her warmth, her skin, some chemical reaction he felt with her presence. He felt safe with Drew and Sharon, with others that came and went. But with Annie Morse, Cade had deeper feelings. "Hey, is this all right, I mean..."

"What?"

"That I have a crush on my therapist." He smiled. "Or should I have not said anything?"

He didn't look at her, wondering if she smiled back, or was she frowning. "Cade, this is all right."

"Yeah?"

"Can you look at me?"

"Uh no, not really."

"Why?"

"Because if I do, I might see too much."

She squeezed his hand and he trembled. "Cade, it's all right. It's perfectly normal."

"Falling in love with my savior's okay, huh?"

He had to see her reaction; she looked uncomfortable, as he expected. "Annie, when they first started messing with my head, one woman was brought in, the good cop. You know good cop bad cop?"

She shook her head.

He laughed. "Shit, no beer, no rain, no cops! What a weird world, like Oz."

"Oz?"

"Oh man, so many things to explain."

"We have lots of time."

He nodded. He was too weak to move, but his limbs were exercised daily. He would get out of this bed one day, wanted to stand beside this woman, wanted to look her in the face on his feet. She reminded him of... Ginger, the last blue-eyed woman he'd taken to bed. Glenna was like Stella, strong, determined. Annie was too, but an underlying softness spoke to him, he liked tender women. Ginger had been too fragile, as if Cade might break her. Maybe he had in sending her away like she was meaningless. Cade sighed. "Annie, the last woman I slept with reminds me a lot of you."

"Really?"

"She was vulnerable, not that it's a bad trait. Just that I was a bad man. I was a really bad man Annie."

"Were you?"

He nodded, then smiled. "I was an actor; don't tell me you don't have celebrities here."

"Not on Kezar, but I know what you mean."

He laughed. "Christ, what am I gonna do for a living? I was an actor, a movie star. An asshole." He smiled. "You know what that is?"

Her giggle was hearty. "Yes, I know what that is."

"Probably from Turner. I've heard him spill a few blue words. But you don't; you, Glenna, Bill, Sharon, none of you swear. You don't swear, you don't get drunk, you don't..." He looked at her. "You don't look like her. She had long hair, but it was blonde. She was blonde, had blue eyes. No boobs," he chuckled. "You know, I really am sorry about that."

"All's forgiven Cade."

He gripped her hand. "You said that when you came back, before you put me to sleep." He smiled. "That was pretty sneaky of you and Turner."

"You needed the rest."

"Yeah, I know. I can't sleep without something, well, not now. They kept me up to the point where if I did fall asleep, something bad was gonna happen. They'd shave me again or not clean up after me. Then I started to feel that sleep wasn't worth it. So I stayed awake, couldn't sleep. Shit, they really fucked me over."

"I am so sorry."

Her voice didn't pity, but contained some deep sorrow that Cade recalled in Ginger's eyes. "She was sorry too, when she left. When I sent her away. I slept with all sorts of women, well, none of them had tits, but they were different. Well, long hair. I like long hair."

"Why?"

"I'm not sure." Then he laughed. "No, that's not true. I like to wrap it around me, as if I could hide. Maybe some aftereffect of my celebrity, my fame. I got too famous, it nearly killed me."

He sipped the water she handed him, then he gripped the cup and her fingers. "They kept telling me if I recanted, they would let me go. They wanted that so badly, shit, they'd have killed for it. Then I realized just what I'd done, how far over the line I'd stepped. Too fucking far, but they didn't just kill me, they wanted my confession. They wanted me to say I was sorry, that I was wrong and I was sorry. Why did they want that so badly Annie? Why?"

"I don't know."

"Neither do I," he laughed, releasing her hands. "My dad's a big politician, but that didn't save me, or maybe it did. Maybe if not for Harlan Walton, I'd have been dead a long time ago."

"I'm glad you're not dead."

"Yeah, me too. Drew risked a lot getting me outta there, he gave up everything. But then, maybe it really wasn't all that much to leave behind."

"I don't think it was, not his wife. Maybe his family."

"Maybe. I left mine behind too. My mother wanted me to stop protesting, wanted me to go underground. My friend Marshall quit the business, he and his partner. They're... You know, I'm not exactly sure where they went, somewhere skims wouldn't get killed for loving each other."

Cade laughed. "God, that sounds so archaic! People killed for loving each other, shit. But they didn't kill me, I didn't let them."

He laughed again, then looked up to find Annie trembling. "Oh hey, I'm sorry, shit. I didn't mean..."

She stood, setting his cup on the bedside table. "I need to use the bathroom. I'll be back in a few minutes."

"Annie, please, I'm sorry, Jesus Christ..."

She walked away, heading to the women's restrooms. Annie Morse went into a stall, locked the door, then vomited in the toilet.

Robert became Cade's primary para. Annie still visited Cade, but not as often as before. Cade became short-tempered, bordering on belligerent. A week later Drew called him on it, and they argued. Cade tried to get out of bed and Drew laughed. "What, you gonna chase me down the facility?"

Cade got as far as sitting up, then flung himself onto the mattress. "Can't you just put me outta my misery?"

"You mean our misery?"

Drew smiled and Cade sniffed. "Am I that big a bastard?"

"She's only doing what's ethically correct. I wondered what was gonna happen."

"Yeah?"

"She's had feelings for you long before you noticed her breasts."

"Really?"

They smiled at each other and Drew took back his seat. "I asked around, well, just Glenna, Robert, and Sharon. She's never shown any personal feelings like this before. Always professional, detached. Caring, but not involved. You're just different."

"I miss her."

"She misses you too."

Cade lit up. "She does?"

"She took a few days leave. You were her first question when she returned. But Cade, she can't be your para anymore. Not for you or her."

"Can't she just come visit me?"

"She does, when you're sleeping."

"You mean when Turner drugs me."

"Believe me, it's getting harder and harder."

"What if I pull this thing out?" Cade gently tugged on the IV snaking out from his gown.

"Then he really will drug you and you won't see her. Or me."

Cade sunk into the bed. "Well, what the hell's the point then?"

"You get out of this bed on your own, go see her. She still works here. Just not with you."

"They didn't move her to some other wing?"

"No, they didn't move her to another wing."

"How can I get up with this thing shoved in my chest?"

"It's possible. But you need to do as Robert says, stop acting like a..."

"An asshole."

"I was going to say jerk."

"But you meant asshole."

Drew smiled. "Well, yes."

"I don't mean it, I mean..." Cade looked around the room. "Have you been outside yet?"

"Yeah, it's okay."

Cade nodded, then stared at Drew. "I don't know who I am anymore."

"Neither do I. Neither of us is the same."

Cade smiled. "It's funny, living as if you're never sure what's gonna happen next. I went from B-celebrity to protester to..." Cade stopped speaking. "You do know, what the hell am I bitching about?"

"It's totally different," Drew said.

"Yeah?"

"Of course."

"I need to talk to her, I wanna talk to her. Will you help me?"

Cade's voice broke and Drew sat on the edge of the bed. With small hesitation, Drew opened his arms, then Cade fell into Drew's embrace. No wariness existed, which surprised Drew. Sometimes it felt natural with this man. Sometimes the past nipped Drew's heels, at both their steps.

As Drew pushed Cade in the wheelchair, stares turned to smiles, leading to applause. Wearing his knit hat and covered by a blanket, Cade waved and grinned while Drew managed the bag of fluid hanging above the chair. As they reached the cafeteria, Drew looked around, spotting Annie, Bill, Glenna, and Robert in a corner. Glenna and Turner faced Drew, and they smiled, then held the others' attention. But Cade was boisterous; as Annie finally turned to see the commotion, she didn't conceal her joy, getting up, running their way.

Bill also looked pleased and Drew found his smile engaging. Annie knelt in front of Cade; he was small and weak, but sitting upright, bolstered by several blankets. "What are you doing here?"

"Field trip," Cade smiled. "You ever take a field trip?"

She nodded, then glanced at Drew. "What, you two trying to bolt?"

"I'm springing him for the afternoon. Or until he falls out of the chair."

Annie stood, examining the tube. "Are you all right?" she asked Cade.

He nodded, turning her way. "So much better for seeing you."

The lunch crowd returned to their meals as Drew left Annie and Cade to talk. He sat next to Bill, across from Glenna. She smiled, then took his hand. "How'd you manage that?"

"His idea. I just gathered the chair."

"I can't believe he's sitting up." Robert finished his coffee. "All right, I'm gonna chat with him for a minute, then get to work."

Glenna took one last bite, then wiped her mouth. "No rest for the wicked," she smiled. "Drew, when he's back in bed, stop by my office."

"Sure. Anything serious?" He still occasionally dreamed of being returned through the portal, killed on sight as he emerged into a room where he had shot two people dead.

"I just need your signature. The asylum grants came in this morning. I need Cade's too. Wasn't sure I'd get his anytime soon, but maybe I'll just bring them to his room, you both can sign them there."

Drew exhaled. "That would be wonderful."

Glenna stood, then took his hand. "I feel the same."

She kissed his cheek and Drew closed his eyes. If not for Cade, he would follow Glenna, sign his grant that moment. He didn't want to leave Cade in Annie's care, not wishing to aggravate a situation she had resolved. He looked back, watching Glenna speaking to Cade, Annie still kneeling beside him. Cade nodded, looking as thrilled and thankful as Drew felt.

Then his right hand was taken. "I imagine that's a huge relief."

Drew nodded, looking Bill's direction. "You can't even know."

"You've been pretty brave about it, I mean, that's not the best way to express it but..."

"No, really, it's been hanging over my head. Cade's too." Drew looked back, then almost stood. Cade wept in Annie's arms.

"Let her, she's been dying to see him, give him that. She misses him so much."

Drew faced Bill. "He's missed her too. That's why we're here. Maybe this will get him on his feet more quickly."

"It might. She would've sat with him night and day."

Drew looked back, the twosome laughing as Annie pushed Cade to the table. "We're going for a walk," she said.

"Can you behave Cade?" Drew teased.

"No promises." Cade's smile shone, Drew noting his raised eyebrows. They had grown out, as had hairs on Cade's limbs. His head still looked scalped, but no one could see it under his hat.

Drew watched as they wheeled around, then exited the cafeteria. Bill had released his hand, and Drew turned his way. "Well, I guess he's in good hands."

"The best for him."

"Has she, I mean..."

"I've known Morse for five years. She has never before allowed work under her skin." Bill sighed. "Something about him, I suppose, and he looks the same around her."

Drew nodded. Cade hadn't said anything specifically, but perhaps it was irrelevant.

"Well, I should be going." Drew's words seemed false; Glenna would bring the grant to him, to them both. After they signed, both men would be on their way to Kezan citizenship. Drew wanted nothing more to do with a planet that had made his life hell, nearly killed Cade. The sooner he could leave that behind...

"Drew, if you want, go to Glenna's office now. The sooner you sign..."

"I was just thinking about it. I'll wait for Cade. Some small ceremony, we can sign together."

Bill chuckled. "You need any witnesses?"

"Sure. We'll make it a party."

Bill took his hand again. "Congratulations. Or maybe that's unnecessary."

Drew looked at their hands, such an odd sight. Then he gazed at Bill's face, his ponytail. "How long has it been since you were ill?"

"Seventeen years. I don't really think about it, only to make a point."

Drew wanted to touch that length, see if it was real. Was he really a free man?

"I pined over it a long time, then once I had it again, well, by then I was in my twenties, wasn't quite a kid anymore. Realized my life was worth far more than my hair." Bill laughed, then pulled the length over his left shoulder. Drew would only need to lift his right hand.

"It's, it's..."

"A pain sometimes," Bill smiled. "But I just can't cut it. Maybe when I hit forty, maybe then I'll give it up. My dad tells me it keeps me young. He likes to tease, but sometimes when he says it I see how I scared him, my whole family. I nearly died, but life goes on."

"Yeah, it does."

"For you too, Drew. You and Cade. Annie won't be his para anymore, but maybe they need each other in different ways."

"Do newcomers mix with your people, I mean..."

"Sometimes. Turner talks about his great-great-great-grandfather, and I've done some research; where Dirk Turner's parents were born, those people live very long lives. Of course there's no proof, but I imagine the species mixed. If Turner lives to be two hundred, well, it's just what happens."

"Our people had little knowledge about other universes. I had no idea about the portal until I went to work for the government."

"Don't take offense, and I suppose you won't, but your planet is one of the most closed, secretive..."

"Guarded, oppressive..."
"It has a reputation."

"Just around here or do Kezans know that too?"

Bill shook his head. "A thousand light years is pretty far away. Only through the portal can those sorts of distances be easily achieved."

"Do your people know about the portal?"

Bill looked at his unfinished meal. "No. That's classified."

"So my world is out of reach, I mean..."

"It could occur, a long-haul mission, but the general population doesn't care about that. They're concerned about restoring this planet's atmosphere. That's not going to happen for ages either, not in Dirk Turner's lifetime, or in his descendants. Between you and me, the environment is completely ruined. If it hasn't cleared by now..."

Drew nodded, then realized Bill had taken his hand again. For how long, Drew wondered, not that he had noticed. In the short time they had been here, Drew had acclimated to this man, these people, as if his past was as inaccessible as his planet. And in another hour or two, as soon as he signed that asylum grant...

"Will Glenna actually give me papers to sign, or will it be a tablet?"

Bill smiled. "Moving to another subject?"

"Oh sorry, yeah, I guess it's on my mind."

Bill squeezed Drew's fingers, then set them down. "A tablet."

Drew nodded. "I didn't mean to..."

"No, I'm sorry for going off on a tangent."

"It's your history, I just..."

"Have other things in mind."

"Yeah, I must."

Bill took a bite, then wiped his face, setting down his fork. "Drew, not many people feel like I do. Most want to hope that someday we won't live in these domes. I grew up here, so while it's all I know, every day I see people from other places, where they aren't harnessed, no, that's not fair." He sighed, then took Drew's hand again.

"You're a very open species," Drew said, looking at their grasp.

Bill smiled. "Does that bother you?"

"No, it doesn't."

Bill squeezed. "One of the reasons I'd like to see other places is to feel the sun directly on my face. Feel rain," he smiled. "Maybe you can tell me what that's like, to actually feel rain falling."

Drew flinched, then grasped Bill's fingers. "I'd like that very much."

In the quiet of the empty cafeteria, Drew could imagine rain landing on the roof, or pounding on his car, soothing anxieties he hadn't noticed were so invasive. Now they were gone, replaced by a strange ease, this man with long hair. Drew nodded, then closed his eyes.

Chapter 6

"So God's in three parts." Glenna leaned back in her seat, hands clasped behind her head. "And people really believe in this."

Drew smiled, then laughed. "When you say it like that, it does sound outlandish."

"No, I mean..." She grinned. "I've heard a lot of different belief systems. This one's pretty, well..."

He nodded. "What I've found is that either you're born into it or..."

"It finds you. Do most of those there believe in this?"

He noticed she didn't say _his people_ or _his planet_. Three months since signing Glenna's tablet, Drew Anthony Clemmons was a Kezan citizen. He still lived at the facility, but so did Cade. Drew wouldn't leave without him, not that he had somewhere else to be. This was his home now, his and Cade's. This base temporarily, then probably somewhere in Larkin, where nearly everyone dwelled.

He looked at her, Glenna's interest genuine. "A surprising number do accept it," he smiled. "There are different levels of faith; some are pious, some just accept God, but aren't committed. To be committed..."

The knock was soft, but Drew turned, seeing Bill at the door. "Glenna, if you have a moment?"

She stood, nodding at Drew, who smiled at both. "I want to hear about this commitment," she said, stepping Bill's way.

"You know where to find me," Drew said.

She nodded, then followed Bill. Drew got up, watching them walking toward the portal, deep in conversation. Bill's hair blew from their pace, and as they turned a corner, Bill looked Drew's way.

When Drew reached Cade's room moments later, he found Sharon in exasperation, Cade standing and shaking. "You can't do this!" she shouted.

"I wanna see outside, Jesus Christ! It's been weeks and..."

"Cade, they're gonna get sick of you and toss you right outta here," Drew said.

"Good. That's all I'm asking."

Drew smiled at Sharon. "Has he been like this all morning?"

She shook her head. "The last two. He needs some sleep, needs to stop being so..."

"Disagreeable," Drew said. "He's so disagreeable."

Drew helped Cade back to the bed, sitting next to him. Sharon threw up her arms, then walked from the room.

"I just wanna go outside. How much trouble is that?"

"It's not warm out there and you're still..."

"A problem child." Cade sighed. "What my mother always told me." He stared into the room. "I had no siblings, drove my parents nuts. God, now what they must think."

"I wonder the same."

Cade looked at Drew. "We're safe, we're just fine. They have no fucking idea, just like some people here."

Cade hadn't slept since the last dose of Tricin, at least not adequate sleep. He napped for an hour, sometimes two, if Annie happened to stop and sit with him. Drew had started to wonder if Cade would leave this facility. Unless he could sleep with some regularity, Turner wouldn't allow his release.

The Atraxin had been ceased, Cade's heart like that of a twenty-year-old. His body was healthier than ever before, except for the lack of slumber. Usually genial and gracious, Cade had a petulant streak, exacerbated by exhaustion. But he couldn't fall unconscious without drugs. "Cade, you need a nap."

Bloodshot eyes went wide. "Well Dad, tuck me in, read me a story, and..."

Drew took Cade's hand. How many patients had Drew treated over the years, yet he had only touched the women. Not many of them, but to any man within his ward, Drew had offered only words. The threat of exposure was too high, but here, Drew could do as he liked. "I wish I could just chat you off to dreamland. But I'm not Annie and..."

"Where the hell is she?"

"Home. She has a life you know."

Cade sniffed, then stood, steadying himself with the mattress. "I need her Drew. I can't sleep, I can't... Shit!"

Drew nodded. "She'll be back tomorrow. Said something about seeing her parents, but she rarely goes to Larkin anymore. Her room is just down from mine, and believe me, that's where she stays."

They eyes met, Cade's filled with tears. "I don't mean to run her life, I just..."

"Sit down before you fall over."

"No!" Cade stood straight, but wobbled. Then he took two steps, grasping for the end of the bed. "We're here, we're not going home." Then Cade laughed. "Home, Christ! Where is that? This place, this room, this bed? Where's home Drew, where's our families, where's, where's..."

Cade's tired tone matched his eyes and Drew joined him, pulling him close. Cade fought the embrace, then broke down weeping. Drew looked at Sharon, standing with her husband in the doorway. All three nodded, then Sharon stepped away.

An hour later Cade was starting to feel the Tricin's effects. They administered a trace dose over the course of an hour, dripping into his arm, the chest tube no longer necessary. Cade could still feel the scar, imagined it would last the rest of his life. His existence seemed to trickle from the bag on the pole, then Cade looked at Drew's pained face. "Why does this hurt you so much?"

"Because it's horrible this's the only way you can sleep."

Cade laughed, felt drunk. This planet had no beer, no alcohol of any kind. A few sanctioned hallucinogens, but nothing to take just to relax. Not that he had been into drugs back home. But the occasional smoke or a few drinks had enlivened a party, made for easier conversation, how Cade learned the truth about Marsh. Cade watched those drips, could almost imagine the pink hue, but when he squinted, it was clear fluid with the hint of something that would knock him out for days. "Tell Annie I'm sorry," Cade said.

"Why Annie? Sharon's the one who wants to kill you."

Cade smiled. "Tell Annie I'm sorry I missed her. When she comes back, I'll be out of it again."

"She'll be waiting, believe me."

"She's growing out her hair, you notice that?"

Drew smiled. "Said she was gonna have a ponytail longer than Bill's."

"Do you like him?"

Drew looked at the floor.

Cade smiled. "You should try this stuff, it's like getting drunk, but all you have to do is lay here."

"The closest thing to getting tanked, huh?"

"Drew, I think I'm in love with her. How screwed is that?"

"Cade..."

"I told her, oh Jesus, ages ago, before she stopped being my nurse. My para, paramour, para-something. I was tired, being an asshole. More than a jerk Drew, I'm much more than a jerk."

"You can't help it."

"I can't help how I feel about her either. Shit. I'm starting to get tired now. Can't think straight."

"Go to sleep Cade."

"Drew, I told her, but I was being an ass when I first said it." Cade tried to keep his eyes open, saw two of Drew. "I get double vision when I'm this tired, did that before too. Thought there was two of them screaming at me. Screaming, Drew. They kept screaming, keeping me awake. For God and country Cade, for God and country. Drew, I still believe in God, isn't that funny? Fuck the country though."

"I know exactly how you feel."

"You should. They tortured the shit outta you too."

Cade blinked, his eyelids like anvils. Drew looked nervous, both of him. Two Drews gazed at the ceiling, then the floor. Then at Cade. "That's all over. No one can hurt us again."

"I know, but that doesn't do jack shit for me now. Or Annie, what the hell does this do to her?"

A warm hand squeezed Cade's, and he smiled. "Drew, did you love your wife?"

"No, I never did."

"But you made love to her, how'd you do that?"

"I don't know."

"I don't know how I didn't just give up. Why didn't I tell them what they wanted to hear?"

"Something in us was stronger than that, not sure what."

"If we could figure it out, we could bottle it, sell it. Trade it for some beer."

Drew laughed softly. "Trade it for a few of them."

"I really want a beer Drew, just taste it again. The last time I had one..." Cade closed his eyes as those drops reached the deepest crevice of his being. He went to sleep, dreaming of sitting at a bar with Stella and her partner, Drew and Bill alongside.

"How is he?" Bill asked Drew over dinner.

"I dunno." Drew sighed. "He went to sleep pretty poorly, I mean, he didn't want to, kept talking until finally he just stopped mid-sentence."

"Annie called, she's coming back tonight."

"I guess I'm not surprised. Not sure if that'll please him or piss him off more."

The cafeteria was quiet, both men catching the end of supper. Drew faced the wall, Bill staring into the room. They didn't meet gazes until Drew cleared his throat. "Thanks for, well, for..."

"Drew, can I be frank with you?"

"Sure."

Drew's eyes noted more than Bill's hair; his face carried the weight of many species and lifestyles. Bill set down his fork, but didn't reach for Drew's hand. Then he looked into the room again, those brown eyes faraway.

"I know you're staying here until Cade's released. I asked Turner about that today; he's hesitant to let him out of here. He's not sleeping unless he's drugged, and if the dose was anything normal for us, maybe. But it's so volatile and..."

"I'm fine to live here, unless it's an issue with Glenna."

"No, it's nothing like that."

"I can't leave him here alone, I can't do that."

Drew's tone felt heavy, as if answering a question that hadn't been stated. Then Bill reached for Drew's hand. "Is this all right?"

"I've told you it is."

"I know, here, alone. Or even around others, within this building. Drew, if Cade's released, where will you go?"

"I don't know, haven't really thought about it."

Bill smiled. "You haven't thought about it at all?"

Drew chuckled. "Well, maybe a little."

"And?"

"And I suppose I'll end up living near Cade, wherever that is."

"I think I know where he's going to be. Annie has a two-bedroom apartment."

Both men laughed. "Well, that's probably true, if it's all right."

"She's not his para anymore. Once he's a free man..." Bill gripped Drew's hand. "I don't live far from Annie, ten minutes on foot. Drew, I care about you. I hope that doesn't offend you."

Drew stared at their hands, clasped tightly. After Cade was lifted from his arms, the first person Drew saw was this man, who immediately touched Drew's face. He had flinched, but now Drew was comfortable with these exchanges. More than comfortable, eager for them, and not just with Bill. Drew gained great peace when consoling Cade, and had found other species benefitted from his expertise. How much camaraderie had been trapped inside, waiting for release? Just the simple sharing of affection, not sexual in nature, but so prohibited where he used to live. Not home, not his planet, only a place where he used to dwell.

What he felt for Bill was different, warmer, more intimate. At times very sexual, and Drew closed his eyes. Years since he had allowed those feelings, not just the desire, but the deeper implications, sharing more than the physical experience. He had vowed to be faithful to Tabitha, and over the course of their marriage, Drew had maintained that promise. He had done so to save his life, not so much for her sake. For nearly ten years Drew had eschewed relations with his own gender, yet here, he had all the freedom in the world.

"Bill, this doesn't offend me at all. It's overwhelming, it's..." He inhaled. "It's something I didn't expect to know again. I was faithful to my wife, I made that choice. Not from love or devotion, but..."

"Survival."

Drew flinched inwardly, wondered if Bill felt it. Survival made it sound like what Cade had suffered, and Drew didn't accept any parallels with that man. Cade lay in medically induced slumber while Drew ate his dinner like everyone else. "I didn't cheat on Tabitha because I made the conscious decision to be her husband, and it was in our vows."

"What was she like?"

Drew smiled. "She was ignorant of who I really was. Maybe I was an actor too, or maybe because she was in love with me she didn't want to know. She was kind, funny, loyal. I can't imagine what she did when they told her..."

What might they have told her, or his parents and siblings? "She probably knows so little, I mean, so little truth. Or maybe they told her I killed two people. Don't know which would be worse for her to hear, that I murdered others or that I was..."

He was gay and felt every inch of it looking into Bill's caring face. "For years I've lived as a liar. I've ignored those just like me, wouldn't give them any more than the basics of care. I only left with Cade to save my own skin and..."

"That's untrue, all of it."

"No, it's not."

"Drew, you lived all your conscious sexual life denying who you are. You had no choice, unless you felt suicidal. You lived under duress so extreme that you can't even accept what was done getting you to that point. You were tortured, just like Cade."

Gripping Bill's hand, Drew closed his eyes. "Don't say that."

"I won't say it again, but it's the truth. That's what's true."

Bill gently released Drew's hand. Then Drew opened his eyes. "My wife had no idea, neither did my family. We all lived that way, every single one of us. It wasn't just me Bill, I'm not some martyr."

"No, but you're here, you're alive. You brought Cade through, you have something within you that said _no more_."

"It was for him, for all he did for..." _My people_ was too inclusive. They weren't Drew's people any longer.

Bill nodded. "Where are you going to live when Cade gets out of here?"

"I have no idea."

"Will you come live with me?"

Drew nodded even before words entered his head. "Oh Jesus Christ."

Bill smiled. "Something we can talk about, among other things."

Drew set his hands in the middle of the table and Bill grasped them. "Until then, maybe the next time I'm off, I'll take you into Larkin, show you around. Would that be all right?"

"Yeah, I think so."

"If it seems like too much... I know it's one thing here, around people you're comfortable with, but..."

Drew didn't look over his shoulder. If others were there, he couldn't let that matter. Leaning forward, he brushed his cheek along Bill's. "I want to see where you live, I really do."

Bill nodded, then placed one hand along Drew's face. This time, Drew didn't cringe.

When Annie returned, she spent her first day between Cade's bedside and Drew's room. She wasn't on shift for another twenty-four hours, could use her time as she pleased. What pleased Annie was Drew and Bill's news. Cade's slumber troubled her.

Not that he slept, but how it was achieved. She also spoke to Turner, who was blunt; Cade's sleep issues weren't going to be solved in an immediate manner. "He needs therapy, more than Sharon or even you can provide."

Annie sighed. "Anyone here capable of that?"

"Nope. Closest psych's in Marsolis, Dr. Felicity Morgan."

Annie felt a chill. "Turner, that's..."

"A helluva long way from here. If it was one of our own, I'd call her in but..."

"Cade's a citizen. He is one of us."

"Annie..."

She stood, then stared at him. "I can't believe I'm hearing this from you."

"Morse, it's wonderful that Drew's a physician, he's been a tremendous asset. And we've learned a great deal from Cade. I'm writing a paper about Atraxin and Tricin, plenty to sow from their reactions. But Clemmons killed two members of their military. They don't give a shit about Cade, but they want Drew's head on a platter and..."

"Knock knock," Glenna said.

"Oh, come right in." Annie glared at Turner, then looked at her boss. "Burroughs, I need some straight answers."

Glenna closed the door, then sat in the extra chair. "Morse, sit down, please."

"I've just been trying to explain..."

"No Turner, I should have spoken to Morse myself. But you've been hard to reach and..."

"Why can't we get Cade the proper psychological treatment? This is a perfect opportunity to work on issues we've seen with other species, and he's so close to our own."

"We just don't have the resources here. If you want to take him to Marsolis, I can put you in for a transfer."

"What about Drew then, is he in danger of being sent back?"

Glenna looked at Turner, who sighed. "Drew's not going anywhere."

"Well, he's going to live with Dillion when Cade finally gets his act together."

Annie hid her smile as Glenna's mouth dropped. "He is?"

Turner shook his head. "Hell Burroughs, open your eyes. Dillion's been trailing after Clemmons since he first stepped out of the portal."

"I can't separate them," Annie said. "Cade needs Drew, and he won't be leaving here."

Glenna Burroughs stood, then looked to the door. Then she faced her friends, also her subordinates. "I don't have the funds to request a psych for just one patient, I wish I did. Neither of them will be sent back, I want that to be clearly understood." She glared at Turner. "Drew's a fantastic para and his personal life is his business. As for Cade..." Glenna cracked her knuckles. "He needs more therapy than what we can offer him. I was hoping by now he could sleep unaided for more than an hour here or there. I've been told that Drew has a job for as long as he wants one, that's not a problem. Cade however..."

"Is running out of time." Annie's voice was flat.

"Morse, while I appreciate you pulling from his case, I also can't allow those emotions to cloud your judgment on how we tackle his treatment. Now, if you think you can do a better job outside of work..."

Robert threw up his hands as Annie smiled. "I do."

Glenna smiled too. "What I was hoping to hear, off the record. You understand Turner?"

"Shit. What is it with you two and that guy? Okay, he was tortured. So was Clemmons and you don't see him falling apart."

"Apples and oranges," Glenna replied. "Drew learned to cope with his distress, and Cade will need to do the same. Turner, will you excuse us for a moment?"

"This's my office!"

"Robert..."

"Shit, fine, whatever!" He stomped from the room, but closed the door gently.

Glenna sat in Robert's chair, then inhaled. "Morse, this is also off the record, but straight from my boss. Officials want to see how Cade responds to normal surroundings. His and Drew's physical reactions to Tricin and Atraxin are some of the most off the scale we've ever seen."

"I wondered."

"Turner's writing a dissertation on it, which is fine, I'm not going to step on his toes. But between us, this's bigger than just Turner getting another article published. If we can deduce why Atraxin worked so well for Cade, we can try to improve it for our own people, Tricin too, reducing both dosages." Glenna sighed. "Mitchell Hardin doesn't want Drew or Cade going anywhere. Now, he's not keen on spending more money to treat Cade correctly, and I'm sorry about that, but for now, that's the bottom line. Depending on what researchers can come up with, maybe that will change. Now Morse..."

Annie stood, her face red, fists balled into her sides. "So as long as we can use them for our purposes..."

"Sit down Morse."

Annie did so, arms crossed over her chest.

"I've spoken to Drew. He's willing to undergo various tests, and we'll do the same for Cade. From all I've seen, he can't sleep unaided, which is unfortunate. I know he's not fond of Tricin, and we're working on an alternative. But in the meantime, I want to release him. His heart is that of a teenager, the rest of his vitals are good."

"But he can't sleep without being drugged."

"I know. I also know he's going to need a place to stay. Now Dillion's volunteered, and it makes sense, especially if Drew is going to be there too."

Glenna smiled, then tapped Turner's tablet. The screen flashed and she tapped it again, turning it off. "Annie, I'm happy to release Cade in their care. Perfectly happy to do so."

"But if I asked for him?"

"I'd be even more pleased."

Annie looked at the tablet, dark and closed. Then she faced Glenna. "You know how I feel about him."

"Yes I do. They are wonderful men, and I want to see them thrive here. Drew has hurdles, some that he doesn't want to concede. Those can be overcome in time, I've seen it happen. Cade... I've never seen someone so close to death manage to beat it. But he did, and I do feel responsible for him. For them both, Morse, for them both."

"How am I supposed to work here and keep an eye on Cade?"

"We'll give you an extended leave. This is important to our government and to negotiations with their home world."

"But you said they wouldn't be sent back!"

"They won't. We're hoping to arrange another exchange, not for Drew and Cade, but being an open portal for other gays seeking asylum. This issue on their planet had caused turmoil, Cade's father is an important politician, and Cade's incarceration was leaked to their media. I don't have all the details, but I will never forget Drew's apprehension, or how pitiful Cade looked. Then I think back to those women who arrived when I was assigned here and Morse, I just can't help myself."

Glenna tapped the tablet again, then stood. "Annie, what's happening there is a form of genocide. Slow but steady, and you're right, Drew is in no better shape than Cade. Drew shot and killed two people at point blank range. He's a physician, but he killed rather than be taken alive."

"They would have killed him and Cade."

"I agree and I want to keep both of them close. It's not just Cade I'm worried about."

She sat again, then picked up the tablet, tapping several times. Then she handed it to Annie. "Since they arrived, I started researching those women. I told Drew I last saw them after they had circled their names. Then they left this area. You can read this here, then I'll erase it. Not even Turner could pull this up again."

That the women had wed in a Kezan ritual made Annie smile. She gripped the tablet, took in a few lines, then sniffled. She wiped her eyes, but continued reading. When she was finished she handed it back to her boss, reaching for a tissue.

As Annie blew her nose, Glenna scanned the details. Then she deleted the file, putting the tablet right where it had lain.

Drew found Annie talking to Cade. He snored, and Drew checked his vitals, the numbers normal. Then he looked at Annie. "Are you all right?"

She nodded, then blew her nose.

He smiled, coming to her side. She fell into his embrace. "He's going to be all right Annie, it'll just take time."

"Burroughs said she talked to you."

He nodded. "It's only fair. I mean, I can work for your government. Cade's a long ways from doing anything productive."

"But it's not his fault."

"I know it's not. Bill and I, we'll uh, well..." Drew smiled. "We'll keep an eye on him."

"You don't have to do that."

"Who else will?"

She pulled away with a small grin. "What did Burroughs tell you?"

"That we're safe, but that they can't do much more for Cade, at least not therapeutically."

"And?"

"Annie, I'm still surprised when I come in here and he's breathing."

"It's not his fault, it's..."

"Nothing we can fix today. All we can do is watch him sleep."

She turned Cade's direction. "He can live with me."

"Yeah?"

She looked at Drew. "You know how I feel about him."

"Yes, I do. And he feels the same."

She shook her head. "He feels as he does because I sat with him, talked to him. Why I feel this way..." She paused, then bit her lip. "This's never happened to me, but for him, it's a documented psychological condition. Maybe we'll be together until he can get his sleeping sorted."

"Or maybe you'll be with him because you're in love with each other."

She looked to Cade, but Drew took her hands. "Annie, I know he loves you."

"You don't know that."

"I know what I feel for you isn't what he does."

She smiled at Drew. "And what's that?"

"Deep friendship, gratitude for your kindness. But Annie, I don't feel that way toward Bill."

"No, I suppose not."

"And I don't consider my emotions for him some documented psychological condition. He touched my face when that portal door opened and I was scared to death. The last thing I wanted was anything personal, anything that deep. Annie, I consider you a very good friend. Necessity is the mother of invention, and here Cade and I are, completely beholden to all of you, but that's not the basis for my feelings toward Bill. Nor is it Cade's with you."

"I just... I don't want to make it worse."

"He's worse without you, has been that way from the beginning. You step away now, go ahead. He's out, but some part of him is listening for you, far down in his heart, not conscious at all. One root for a psychological problem is an awareness of wanting to attach to that which has saved." Drew inhaled. "But love is completely different."

Annie took his hand. "You did the best you could."

"What?"

"I said... Oh Dillion, hey."

Drew turned around, then smiled. "Looking for us?"

"Yeah, found you all. I suppose he's the easiest to track down."

"For now," Drew said, his pulse racing.

"Well, I didn't mean to interrupt. Just that I'm getting ready to leave. Wanted to see if you uh..."

Drew stood. "Just need to grab my bag. I'll do that now."

"I'll be here." Bill released his hand, but Drew didn't speak to Annie before leaving the room. Bill took Drew's chair as Annie held Cade's hands. "Is he okay?" Bill asked.

"Which one?"

"Uh, Cade. Is Drew all right?"

"I don't know."

"What?"

Annie stared at Cade; his hair was finally growing in. He didn't wear a hat anymore, but if he lived with her, he might need one, the days still cool. "Dillion, I'm really happy for you and Drew."

"Yeah, well, it's not going to be easy, but yeah, I'm, uh, pleased."

Annie smiled his way. "Pleased?"

"Shut up Morse."

She giggled, then looked at Cade. "I'm going to ask him to live with me. He'll be released soon, but you and Drew need space."

"I was wondering."

"They're giving me leave, Burroughs told me today."

"Really?"

She nodded. "Bill, I love him." She smiled, watching Cade's blood pressure rise. "I don't know if it's right or wrong but..."

Bill caressed her shoulder. "It is what it is. I feel the same for Drew. Don't tell him."

"I won't," she chuckled. "But it's not going to be easy for any of us."

"No, it won't."

"Dillion, Drew's in denial." Her voice was a whisper.

"I know."

Annie faced him. "Cade is too, but Drew's not in much better shape."

"Don't try to tell him that."

Annie set down one of Cade's hands, then gripped Bill's. "Are we both crazy?"

"We're both helpless."

"So was Cade. Drew too. I guess we're all in trouble."

"We'll get through these early days. Then we'll look back and ask ourselves how we did it."

Bill's gentle laugh nearly eased her. Annie closed her eyes, wishing Burroughs hadn't showed her that report, wishing she didn't know of those women.

"It'll be okay Morse. We'll play tag team and everyone will be all right."

"You ready?" Drew called from the door.

Bill stood. "Yeah. You have everything?"

"Don't have too much to worry about."

"You can do some shopping in Larkin." Annie cleared her throat, then turned their way.

Drew rested his hands on Bill's shoulders. A smile warmed Drew's face and Annie grinned. "Have a good break. When will we see you next?"

"On Tuesday," Bill said. "I'll be in touch."

"Me too." Drew's tone was more urgent. "If he needs anything..."

"Don't worry. Sharon and I will handle him. Good luck."

"What?" Bill asked.

Annie looked at Drew with her words. "I said good luck. You know, with everything."

Drew nodded, looking caught-out, and Annie felt a chill. "Have fun," she added.

The men left hand in hand, gentle banter wafting along the hallway.

When Drew and Bill stepped from the building, a cool wind stirred. "You need a heavier jacket?" Bill asked.

"I'll be fine. When does the train arrive?"

Bill looked at his watch. "In another ten minutes. But the shelter is enclosed."

They walked to the platform, where others waited. The men made small talk, then boarded, sitting together. Drew set his bag on the floor, keeping his hands in his lap.

The ride took over an hour, stopping at small hamlets and other facilities. As they reached Larkin, Drew stared at the flat horizon; the sky cast an odd glow. But it wasn't the sky; it was the top of the dome. Drew kept his eyes trained on that, not looking at Bill or any other passengers.

They departed at the first Larkin stop, then caught a bus a few moments later. "You really have this down," Drew smiled.

"Takes ninety minutes from stepping out of work to reaching my front door."

Drew smiled, but avoided eye contact, either staring at his shoes or out the windows.

When Bill hit the _stop_ button, Drew flinched. The bus was crowded, he hoped others would get off here. He was going to Bill's house of his own volition, but everyone would see it. Drew knew they wouldn't care, but he couldn't dismiss the sense of worry.

Two women stood as the bus stopped, and Drew smiled, carrying his bag. The women went separate directions, but Drew followed Bill as he walked quickly along the concrete. It was dark now, but Drew would have three days to explore. Three days to sleep with Bill, which excited him, but also made Drew slightly wary. Three days away from Cade, Annie, Glenna, and Robert. From all Drew knew, from all who knew him.

Bill lived in a townhouse on what seemed an average street except for the missing vehicles. That would take time to accept, public transport and one's own feet the only methods of traveling. As Bill opened his front door, Drew stepped in behind him, then set down his case. He took a breath, the house stale. Then he felt Bill's hand on his face.

"Are you hungry?"

"No."

Bill chuckled. "I need to pee. Have a look round, be as nosy as you like."

Drew nodded, staring at an average living room, ordinary furnishings, nothing strange.

He heard the toilet flush, then felt sweaty. He had left the facility, no one bothered if he sat with Bill or anyone else. He wasn't going to be taken away, no one cared at all with whom Drew cohabitated. He was going to sleep with Bill Dillion that evening, and the next few. Drew looked at that man, stepping from the bathroom, wiping hands on his jeans.

"You have a nice place." Drew glanced to the hallway. "What's upstairs?"

"Bedrooms, my office. It works."

Drew nodded. "So what now?"

Bill stepped to the sofa. "Let's just sit, I mean, we've been sitting for an hour and a half but that was with people around. Was that okay?"

"I think so." Drew smiled. "I felt... Oh God, I really don't know."

"We can take our time, I mean..."

Drew reached for Bill's face, stroking his cheek. "What does time mean anymore?"

"Yeah?"

"I've lived here for coming on four months, and this will be the first night I've not slept in the facility. The first time in almost a decade I've slept with a... man." Drew inhaled. "Maybe I've forgotten how."

They laughed as Bill leaned forward. "I'll remind you."

"I'm gonna need it."

The first kiss was gentle and Drew felt young and free. Then he kissed Bill with vigor, finding his enthusiasm matched. Drew pulled away. "I wish I could tell you what that means."

"You can show me."

Drew nodded. "I, it's been so long..."

Bill stood, then set out his hand. "Let me take care of you tonight. I told you I wanted to look out for your well-being."

Drew joined him. "I remember."

"Good. Then let's go lay down. We'll do this however you want."

Drew closed his eyes, felt only pleasure. No fear, no anxiety, then a warm hand along his face. "Bill, just stay close."

"I won't leave your side."

Gripping Bill's hand Drew nodded, then was led through a dim hallway, up the stairs. As Drew took the last step, he looked down. His bag waited near the front door, which was locked. No one would intrude. Nobody would interfere. Both were safe.

Chapter 7

Drew woke in a cold sweat, dreaming of his former life. For seconds he cringed, aware of all he and Bill had shared, then heard that man's breathing. Drew inhaled, used the toilet, then sat in a chair, staring at long hair spilled over the pillows. Bill said he usually braided it before bed, but that night ordinary customs had been abandoned.

Normally before Drew fell asleep, he jotted a few notes on his tablet. He wanted a journal, but paper was a rare commodity, tablets used as reading devices, for communication, and charting patients' progress. A lack of trees was one reason, Annie had explained during their many talks. Tablets had been in use for nearly a century and few bothered with paper and ink, relics of the past.

Drew's past had flitted in and out all night as he reacquainting himself with the most correct and pleasing manner of lovemaking. It wasn't sex, not with the man who now seemed dead to the world. Drew smiled as Bill snored lightly, immobile. For all they had shared, Drew wasn't surprised.

Forceful and tender, more passionate than Drew had considered, and his imagination had been heady for the last few days, pondering this change in residence, in status, in... everything. With one suitcase of possessions, Drew had chosen to live with a man. All he had ever wanted, hoped for, and assumed impossible, yet on this planet, no single hurdle existed. Drew shivered, then quietly moved the chair closer to the bed. This man, and all they had tendered, was completely real.

Like stepping onto more than another planet, this was a different universe in every reflection. They shared the same frames, needed the same oxygen, required the same nourishment. Drew reached for the bedding, warm and soft. Yet here, this wasn't criminal, all they had said and done perfectly legal, acceptable, not one issue raised. No one had stared at them on the train, no one had batted an eye. Drew wanted to dissect that, as if seeking a crack. There must be some hint or degree of inaccuracy. How could this be so commonplace, trivial; why did this not matter here?

Or why had it been so prohibited before? Drew hadn't asked to own these particular feelings. He had made love with Tabitha countless times, but never with any trace of what Bill had stirred. Making love to a woman carried only the sense of security, which Drew allowed was slightly alluring. Stability had its own rewards, but none of them were erotic or enticing. He was never stirred by her, never lustful or eager. Release and existence had spurred their sex life. Everything else he brought to it was false.

Everything he felt last night was actual, lasting, so deep that Drew had trouble falling asleep, watching and listening to Bill slip into slumber so easily, like Cade on Tricin. Except that Bill didn't fight the rest. Cade did, until he was so drugged he stopped speaking as if batteries were removed, his brain shut down. Bill had told Drew that he loved him, then set his left arm over Drew's side. Then Bill smiled, closed his eyes, his breaths falling into a peaceful, sated cadence. Drew observed the procedure as if textbook, how someone should find sleep.

Drew didn't remember falling asleep, only that suddenly he was dreaming, and it wasn't at all soothing. Then he woke with a jerk, fearing the worst. But it wasn't the worst, dread immediately replaced with ease. Drew was in another world, in this man's room, and no one would do anything to change it. No one cared with whom Drew slept, nobody at all.

No one but them, and their friends, hoping for Drew and Bill's well-being, pleased for their affections, their relationship. Drew had entered a relationship by simply stepping into Bill's house, lying in his bed. Rules Drew had accepted under duress weren't applicable here, weren't even a consideration. How and why were trite queries; more swirled under the surface, so dim that Drew only poked a finger at it, some murky lake carrying his past, Cade's too. All their collected knowledge bubbled under a placid surface. Drew wanted it to stay right there.

He wanted to lay a thick, impenetrable shield over their histories, never wanted to think about it again. As soon as Cade left the facility and moved in with Annie, they could set it aside, pretend it had never existed. Drew looked into the dark room, which comforted. He was cloaked, invisible, no one could touch him.

"Drew?" Bill murmured. "You there?"

Only this man, Drew smiled, moving to the side of the bed. Bill scooted backwards, pulling back the blankets and Drew lay along him, no clothes impeding. A healing, warm sensation filled Drew's entire being as Bill nuzzled his chest, that long, thick mane laid along Drew's skin. Tabitha's tresses had never felt so alive, and as Bill nipped at Drew's torso, both men released tones of gratitude, amazement, bliss. Drew closed his eyes, grasping Bill's back, nodding his head. Love was shared, erasing all Drew ever lived. In that moment, this was his only reality.

"I wonder how they are," Cade said, sitting across from Annie in the cafeteria.

"Exhausted," she smiled, sipping her coffee.

"As long as neither's dead," Cade chuckled, drinking water. "I guess we'll know tomorrow."

"They'll be on a cloud," she said, looking at her breakfast. Then she met Cade's eyes. "But I'm sure they'll be discreet."

"Yeah?"

"Bill's pretty circumspect. His hair's about the only thing that stands out."

"Yours is getting longer."

She smiled, reaching behind her back. "Hitting my shoulder blades now. My parents will be surprised."

They had spoken of her family since Cade woke, conversations shared not in his room. Cade made the effort to find her, and when she was free, they walked to the cafeteria, sharing meals. Annie had asked Cade to live with her, after Glenna explained Cade's situation. That as he was physically healthy, arrangements needed to alter. Cade hadn't complained, not when Glenna told him where he would live.

Not with Bill and Drew, as Cade had assumed. He looked at Annie, wondering about more than her hair or relatives. Had she asked for this, who made the decision? Glenna hadn't enlightened him, and Cade smiled. "So, when they get back, what happens next?"

She played with what remained on her plate, a few bites grown cold. Cade had eaten all of his food, something like oatmeal but sweeter, also toast and fruit. Apples and oranges were common, but the rest only hinted to his memory. Better than the vegetables, which still didn't appeal. He enjoyed the meats, very similar to home. Cade still thought of his planet as home.

Yet, home now carried another connotation, and Cade reached for Annie's hands. "They'll get back here, won't say shit," he smiled. "Or maybe I'll get Drew to talk. Either way, they'll come back and..."

"You and I will go home."

He grinned. "I like the sound of that."

She giggled, then squeezed his hands. He knew no more of her than this, but all that sat underneath felt enormous, also like a feather, so soft and easy. Cade lifted their hands, kissing hers.

She stared at him, blue eyes huge in her face. Her smile was playful, coerced by his boldness. Then naughty, and he laughed out loud. "What Annie? You wanna do it right here?"

"You have no idea," she whispered, taking her hands from his, which now trembled.

"Oh my God." Cade shifted in his chair. "You have no idea."

They laughed together, then talked of Drew and Bill, who probably couldn't walk straight. "They'll be leaning against the walls," Cade chuckled.

"As long as they come back."

Cade looked at her. "Yeah?"

"It's going to be hard for Drew, getting on that train."

"Well, I can't say I blame him. Been a long time since he's..." Cade thought to all the homosexuals he'd met, a brief accumulation of days that utterly changed his life. Brought him here, across from a woman that lay so deeply within him. Cade wanted to show Annie exactly what he felt, why everything had occurred. All he had suffered was worth it, just sitting across from her. Once he lay beside her, felt her skin, knew her intimately, and Cade smiled. Then he would sleep forever.

He chuckled, thinking about sleeping next to her, or just sleeping. When he placed that action in conjunction with Annie, slumber didn't threaten, didn't petrify. He couldn't explain adequately just how terrorizing sleep was. In sleep, Cade had changed, brief and fleeting, but so altering. Every time he woke they had done something different to him.

Sometimes they had shaved him, or moved him to a different room, smaller and colder than the last. How they had managed that, he wasn't sure. At the end he couldn't even lay down, barely space for two to stand. He had become claustrophobic, probably causing his heart attack. He had shared that area with a woman, alluring and hypnotic, asking him to give up, give in. Surrender, she whispered, for God and country: _Just surrender Cade and it will all be over._

He blinked, then saw Annie's small frown; it was how that woman had appeared when he then spat in her face. "What?" he asked, his voice trembling.

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah, of course. Annie, what's wrong?"

"You were somewhere else. Can you tell me?"

He couldn't remember what they had been discussing, but it wasn't him. Something far more pleasant, anything was better than sleep deprivation. He had wondered what they would do to him, when he arrived and realized his life as an actor was through. Cade had envisioned physical maladies, agonizing aches. And they had done that, but not as he imagined. A good beating would last only until he blacked out. But that never happened. They never let him lose consciousness, not until he was so leery of it that they didn't have to prod or drug him. Eventually Cade kept himself awake. Far better to stay up than let sleep win.

When he slept, he dreamed of his former life, but beautiful images were shattered as he emerged freezing cold, drenched in his own waste from how many hours they had left him naked in an unheated cell. Then he fought sleep, denying his body an essential shut-down, too terrified what would happen once his eyes closed.

Once his eyes closed... Cade looked at Annie, who was blinking tears. "Hey, what? It's okay, really."

She shook her head, then gently held his hands. "What did they do to you?"

He had told her and Sharon the basics, but not how helpless he felt, childish, feeble, and tired. He had been so tired, was exhausted sitting across from her. But that was only from lack of sleep. He had been unconscious for three days. He was tired, which was normal. Normalcy was this half-alive sense, but Annie Morse accentuated some part Cade had thought was dead. His sexuality, but more, some speck of his humanity. Somehow that had survived.

"I'll tell you when we're alone."

She met his eyes, then nodded. "I want to know, whatever you can share."

"It's ugly."

"I know."

He imagined she did; how many others had she tended, then returned to a semblance of who they had been. "Well then I'm in good hands." He smiled. "What more could I want?"

She nodded again, but wouldn't look at him. She gripped his fingers, then stroked his knuckles. He was aroused by her touch, had felt that as soon as he was alert enough to realize she wasn't like the other women, cold, cruel, coercive. She would keep him safe, not let anyone hurt him. Her voice had saved his life, her voice and Drew's actions. Cade was indebted to them forever.

His life hadn't mattered for ages, not to him. It meant something to his government, his former government. His capitulation meant a huge victory, but Cade hadn't wanted to be anyone's puppet. He'd refused until... He had refused. They hadn't broken him, hadn't killed him. He sat across from Annie Morse, which was all that mattered. Everything had been worth it, looking into her clouded blue eyes.

"Annie, it's okay. Nothing can touch me now. You're..." Worth everything, he didn't tell her, but knew as deeply as he breathed. Everything in his past had led him here, all of it for this moment, this woman. Cade smiled, closing his eyes. If he was horizontal, he could fall asleep in a second.

No IV necessary, no drugs, just Annie. He had gone through hell, and now standing on the other side, Cade wanted to scream in victory. "Annie," he whispered. "I wanna make love to you."

She looked up. "What?"

"You heard me." He chuckled, then sipped his water. "When they get back here, take me home. Then I wanna..."

She blushed, then giggled. "Cade Walton, you have no idea."

An impish thrill laced her words and he gripped her fingers. "You wanna bet?"

"I wish I could tell you..."

His fingers landed on her lips. "You don't have to say anything. Nothing, okay?"

Was she real? Her mouth was warm, moist, and he couldn't stop himself, brushing his face along her cheek. He had no idea Drew had done the same to Bill only days before, at this very table. All Cade wanted was to note her softness, and he sighed, feeling so sleepy. "Annie, I need to lie down right now."

He set those words in her ear, then moved back to his chair. Her smile was stunned, but he laughed. "Not for that. I'm so tired I could just collapse."

"Are you serious?"

"Yeah. I need to lay down Annie, no Tricin, I mean it."

Cade struggled to keep his eyelids open, but as soon as he felt arms around him, he lost that battle. He was asleep in Robert's grip before Annie could get him back to his room.

When Cade woke, Drew and Glenna sat on either side. "Hey, uh, what's going on?"

Drew smiled, but Glenna shook. "You slept unaided. Cade, this's fantastic!" Glenna's voice was subdued, but her trembling made Cade wince.

"How long?" he croaked.

"Nearly a day and a half." Drew handed him a cup and Cade sipped from the straw.

"No shit?"

"No shit," Drew smiled.

Cade looked at his arms, no IV attached. "I need to pee," he grunted.

"I bet." Glenna stood. "I'll find your groupies. Turner isn't going to believe this."

"He should," Drew called after her. "He's the one who carted him back here."

She smiled, stepping from the room.

Cade headed to the toilet. "Whatdya mean Robert carted me back here?"

Drew waited until Cade returned. As he lay down, Drew took his hand. "You passed out, sort of. Annie said you warned her, but Robert saw you swaying. He caught you, carried you to bed. Cade, you slept on your own for thirty hours."

"God, are you kidding me?"

"Nope. They nearly catheterized you, but I asked them to let you be."

Cade stared at Drew. "You willing to risk it?"

Drew gripped Cade's hand. "You needed to wake on your own. Figured an aching bladder would do the trick."

Cade felt tears, then brushed them aside. "I use to wake covered in shit."

Drew nodded. "You're making progress."

"Guess so. Shit." Then Cade laughed. "No shit this time."

"Not this time."

They stared at each other. "How'd you know?"

"It was in your notes back there."

The men had skirted those few weeks, and Cade nodded. "How much do you know?"

Drew glanced to the floor. "Everything."

"Huh. Well, hmmm." Cade gazed to the door, wishing for Annie, Glenna, even Robert. "They wrote it all down, huh? Meticulous bastards."

Drew looked up. "Cade, I wanted you to wake clean. I felt that was important."

"What if I'd messed myself?"

"I've been here since Bill and I came back. I wouldn't have let that happen."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. It's gonna be okay."

Both nodded. "Maybe it will be all right." Then Cade smiled. "Me and Annie, you and Bill. So Drew, how was Bill?"

Drew chuckled. "Just fine."

"I bet. How was... Annie?"

She stood in the doorway, then slowly approached. "Hey Cade, Drew."

She licked her lips, crossed her arms, then unfolded them. They hung limp at her sides, then she took Glenna's chair. "You're awake."

"Yeah, I am. Hear I gotta thank Turner for not dropping me on the floor."

"I couldn't catch you fast enough. He was there and I..."

She shivered and Cade took her hands. "It's okay, I'm gonna be okay."

Drew set his hands over theirs, then stood, walking to where Annie Morse shook. Cade sat up and Drew placed her in his arms. "It's all right Annie, I'm gonna be just fine."

Cade didn't sleep for another twenty-four hours, then lay unconscious for half a day. No distinct pattern emerged, but after three weeks he was sleeping unaided for up to sixteen hours at a time. Sometimes two days slipped between his slumber, but he had achieved this goal without meds, and Robert and Glenna signed his discharge with warm smiles. Cade walked from the facility on Annie's arm, Drew and Bill flanking them on the way to the train station.

In those three weeks, Drew didn't leave the building, charting Cade's sleep rhythms. Sometimes he was catheterized, but he held his urine and feces, even during the longest stretches. His weight had dropped, but not significantly, and as they reached the platform, Drew gave him a hug. Much more to him now than five months ago; Cade looked like a functioning individual, his hair grown out, his form not skeletal. "Fatten him up," Drew said to Annie. "I'd like to see more meat on these bones."

"That an order?" Cade said, pulling from his friend.

"Turner's made me your para," Drew smiled.

"Washed his hands of me finally."

"Something like that." Drew looked at his watch, then to Annie. "So we'll see you when we're home."

She nodded, then gripped Cade's hand. "Burroughs said she's keeping the door open for me. All depends on you," she said to Cade.

He saluted no one in particular. "Whatever the boss lady says."

Drew laughed, but Annie and Bill seemed puzzled. "Boss lady?" Bill said.

"Never heard that one huh?"

"No, that's new."

"All sorts of new things." Cade looked at the approaching train. "Never taken public transportation before."

"Really?" Drew asked.

"Nope, not even as a kid."

Annie smiled. "Well, get used to it. This's the only way to get around."

"Unless Turner picks me up again."

They laughed as the train came to a stop. Cade shook Bill's hand, then turned to Drew. "So, dinner together, when you guys are home, all right?"

"I'll bring the beer," Drew chuckled.

Bill sighed as Annie giggled. "Yeah?" Cade grinned.

"You'll see," Drew said. "Now get on the train. You've got a bus waiting."

"The number four, right?" Cade said, as Annie carried his small case.

"The number four. Leads to the ten, then you take the eight," Drew smiled.

"Four, ten, eight. Got it." Cade waved as the doors closed. Drew and Bill watched as the train pulled from the platform. They didn't head back to the facility until the horizon was silent.

Cade noted a flat but flourishing landscape, colors muted by dirty windows. Annie held his hand and he wondered how this ride had been for Drew, nearly a month ago. Drew didn't say much about Cade's imprisonment, but he discussed his love life, which Cade had found strange at first. Then he had let Drew ramble. No one else comprehended Drew's need to talk.

Drew spoke of the immense freedom, the joy. Cade didn't know exactly how the men got it on, but Drew had needed to espouse his vast contentment, which was an understatement. Cade allowed Drew's words, paltry when compared to what Drew couldn't express. He couldn't explain just how tremendous it was, could hardly scratch the surface. Cade barely wrapped his head around it, then felt a deep pain, recalling Stella, her partner, and so many other skims yearning for the liberty Drew now possessed. He had this chance, needed to share some of it. Cade hoped Bill heard the rest, or at least grasped what Cade couldn't. Bill had Drew's body, and hopefully most of Drew's mind.

Cade leaned into Annie's shoulder. He was nearly her weight now, could still use another ten or fifteen pounds. His face showed his age, he had turned thirty-four since being hoisted from Drew's arms. He felt eighty-four at times, except when this close to Annie. Now he was around twenty, licentious thoughts rousing his pulse and other parts of his anatomy. Drew had noted a few intimate details; Kezans weren't circumcised, or at least Bill wasn't. Cade hadn't told Annie, would surprise her. Otherwise, sex was sex, or gay sex wasn't any different. Drew hadn't stated those particulars; they wouldn't have applied to what Cade would share with the woman who had given him a purpose. Cade had a purpose, and it wasn't leading homosexuals to acceptance. It was far simpler, the same reason everyone else woke in the morning. To live with one person, make them happy. Annie had provided a rationale for Cade's incarceration. It was brutal and utterly inexplicable except for her presence.

He hadn't told her that, but it surrounded his waking moments; his whole life had been for this woman, this place, this very minute. Every moment since stirring to her soothing voice was all he wanted. Even when ready to drop or dreaming of abject suffering, all Cade's reasoning returned to Annie Morse, the center of it all.

When they transferred to the number eight bus, Cade carried his case. He smiled at everyone, finding faces familiar, as if he had lived here his whole life. He had felt the same looking into the crowds of... gays. Here they were gay, homosexual a long, awkward word that conjured panic, loathing, torture. On Kezar, gays were indistinguishable from anyone else; Bill's long hair was seen on other young men, some of whom necked with short-haired young women or snuggled against guys with buzz cuts. Older couples with gray or colored locks nodded to Cade as he grinned at everybody. He laughed, feeling drunk, the air some intoxicant. Maybe he wouldn't need a beer after all. He just needed this planet, these people, who looked like people he used to know, but happier. Fearless, open, warm. Cade squeezed Annie's hand, then kissed her cheek. She giggled, then blushed. He had slept for fifteen hours just yesterday, wasn't tired at all. He was horny, happy, free. Cade Walton was free.

When he saw Drew again, he would ask if he had felt the same, coming to Larkin. Maybe Drew had been a little self-conscious, but overwhelming liberty spilled from Cade, his body radiating a luscious, fragrant emancipation he had never previously known. Not even while acting had he felt so complete, and never with any woman. Annie had been worth all the misery and oppression. Cade laughed, then squeezed her knee. He leaned her way, inhaling her scent, her face, and her breasts. Cade couldn't wait to see her naked.

"What?" she giggled again.

"Baby, I love you."

She stared at him. Then he laughed. "I mean it. I really love you Annie."

She nodded, then trembled. Cade put his arms around her, burying his face in her hair.

She lived ten minutes from Bill, in an apartment building bathed in fading afternoon light. Pastel hues reminded Cade of a film set, but this was unscripted; no one knew he was alive, no one who cared. He thought of his parents as Annie unlocked her door. They probably had no idea Cade was still breathing.

Annie bolted the door, taking the suitcase from his hand. "So are you hungry?"

He pulled her close, smelling her skin, her hair, then setting his hand on the side of her breast. "Oh Annie..."

She laughed. "Cade, Bill told me something..."

"Yeah?" He caressed her hip with one hand, stroking her nipple with the other.

She placed her fingers along his groin. "You've been..."

He nodded.

"Did it hurt?"

"Hell if I know. I was a baby when it happened."

"Can you feel it now, I mean..."

"You tell me how it feels."

She smiled, then tugged at his waist. Before Cade could speak, she had his trousers down, his briefs as well.

"Annie!"

"Now Cade, right now."

"What, here in the kitchen?"

She smiled. "Not where you imagined?"

He stared at her, then throbbed in her warm grip. "I, uh, thought we'd do it in bed you know, oh Jesus Christ!"

"Bill told me something else."

"What?"

"That you, well, that Drew was..."

"What?" Cade moaned.

"That your people were sort of, well, shy. I mean, not exactly shy, and at first he just thought it was because Drew hadn't been with a man for a long time."

She stroked Cade so deliberately, he thought he would lose it in her kitchen. "Annie, Jesus, I'm gonna..."

She knelt in front of him, and Cade gripped the counter, howling as she explored that difference. When he was finished, she stood, then kissed him. "Now we can go to bed."

"Oh yeah?" he panted.

"Mmmhmm. What I have planned next is gonna put you right to sleep."

She set his hand atop her breast, and he closed his eyes, feeling that sensation so close, not of sex, only peaceful, ancient slumber, something he had thought impossible to reclaim. Cade stepped from his trousers, then followed to where she slept when not at work. Annie wasn't going back to work until Cade could sleep normally. He lay down, was so near that state, then as she undressed, he was alert. She sat next to him and he reached for her breasts, sighing in contentment. "My God Annie, you are so..."

"Thick for you Cade. I am so thick for you."

Her throaty whisper made him writhe, then as she lay beside him, he rolled on top of her. Annie held him right along her large bosom, which Cade attacked like hungry infant.

Hours later, wrapped against her, he drifted off to her tender voice. She had talked the entire time; how much she loved him, needed him, wanted to give him everything. "Cade," her gentle whisper in his ear, "I'll be here when you wake."

He nodded, equally exhausted and comforted by a warm, concealing bliss she had lavished all over him. "You're safe Cade. No one will hurt you."

"I love you Annie. Everything was worth it baby, all of it was worth you." He mumbled in a half-dreaming state, then succumbed fully as Annie repeated her words, trying to ignore his.

Chapter 8

As Drew returned from Cade and Annie's apartment, he looked up, the late afternoon light warming his face. No rain fell, it never rained, what had started to creep into his head as he wandered the neighborhood. Dry sidewalks and dusty trees, no seasons; Kezar had no authentic summer or winter, but nights were cool. Daytime felt chilly if he wore no jacket, but Bill and Annie said it would be warmer in a few months. Storms raged outside the dome; blue sky peeked through furious orange and peach clouds, but Drew never heard rain fall, as if the radiation had stolen all moisture. Bill often spoke about how futile was the hope one day Kezans would live outside their enclosures. Not that he wanted to leave permanently. Only that after one thousand years, this planet was doomed to the occasional swirling tempests Drew noted that very day. Whatever had been detonated still at times reacted with raging force, forever ruining the planet's environment.

Sometimes Drew mentioned it to Cade. They spoke often, either in person or via tablets. Drew was growing accustomed to his life on a device, life as an immigrant. Life without rain and as a gay man was harder to accept. He missed rain far more than he had imagined; at first it was an aberration, something he chuckled over as day after day the sun shined, or bounced light from the dome to where he stood, looking up. Maybe it didn't rain, but the hurricane right over him teased, some noxious, deathly tumult that threatened but never released cool, refreshing precipitation. The planet's water supply was filtered and Drew thought it tasted fine, all he drank at lunchtime with Bill, Glenna, and Turner. At work that foursome met for meals, Drew completely comfortable sitting close to Bill in their presence. They held hands, embraced without hesitation; something about the facility eased Drew, but as soon as he left the base, he bristled. If he and Bill went home together, Drew could sit next to him, but kept his hands, and his thoughts, to himself.

He hadn't mentioned that to Glenna or Turner, or to Annie and Cade. Work was separate from home, a clear line drawn, especially since Annie hadn't returned to the facility. Cade's sleep patterns were still unsettled and Glenna didn't want him rushed. Drew knew their presence was being monitored by Glenna's superiors, the portal occasionally tested by runners from Drew's planet. No one had made it through, but that was due to the other side. Glenna's mood was desperate when she asked Drew how Cade was adjusting. Her boss wanted to see a quick turnaround, adding pressure to a mounting campaign against Drew and Cade's former planet. Glenna respected Drew's feelings about that place, always noting it was his previous residence. A place where cool rain fell and even colder ideas ruled.

The lack of rain brokered Drew's reflections; he wasn't from Kezar, but this was home. Hard to acclimate to new surroundings, he told Bill when they left for the store or just to explore the area. Drew didn't hold Bill's hand, constantly peering for suspicious gazes. Bill never pressed, and when they returned home, Drew lavished all that withheld affection on a man he adored. Drew and Cade had found Kezans were effusive in public, blatantly extroverted in private. Drew hadn't imagined the depth of Bill's passion, which went a long way in easing Drew's withheld needs. But only inside their house, or at Annie's apartment. Or at work; in those three spaces, Drew was in love with a man and happy to show it. Anywhere else, he lived as before.

He walked from the train platform, to and from Cade and Annie's, he walked everywhere. He had lost fifteen pounds, which Cade seemed to have found. Annie loved being at home, Cade wrote and said. Cade didn't grumble about much at all, other than for the first time in his adult life a woman was asking too much from him.

It wasn't just Bill, Drew had learned. All Kezans owned this depth of sexual appetite, Glenna often leaving Drew in stitches when this subject was raised. Her friendship was a pleasure, a woman completely honest and sympathetic to his and Cade's situation. With Glenna Burroughs, Drew left no stone unturned.

She understood, she let him speak. After the first month of living with Bill, Drew found his apprehensions unpalatable, but Glenna had gently reminded that a lifetime of inclinations couldn't just be swept away. It would take time, her voice tender, considerate. Sometimes Glenna seemed too perceptive, but Drew didn't shy from her warmth. In the facility, surrounded by others fleeing oppression, Drew let his newfound compassion flow.

At work, he tended refugees as if all were gay escapees. He admitted to Glenna his past behavior, but she reassured that his actions were borne of self-preservation. If he had done anything else, he wouldn't be there now, debating with her.

Or helping her; pressure on his former home world was building. Cade's disappearance had roused voices, but it would take time, she sighed, over meals in the cafeteria. They spoke in hushed tones about nothing classified, only rumors that Drew noted to Cade. Maybe what Cade Walton had started might come to fruition.

Drew didn't imagine ever returning there; Cade might be a hero, but Drew's hands sported blood. He had murdered two people, perhaps permanently wounded that gay soldier. Cade still said _homosexual_ , but Drew had eliminated that and _skim_ from his vocabulary. Maybe if some group existed, others with whom he could speak besides Glenna, Drew might not feel so odd. On Kezar, gays owned no special status, they didn't need it. Drew tried to inhale that concept, and within three places it slipped in and out as easily as breathing. Everywhere else he choked on invisible liberty. Sweet, but impossible to swallow.

"Hey, you want to go with me?"

Drew smiled, looking up from his tablet. "No, I'll stay here."

Bill asked every time he went to the store, as if Drew's answer might change. He ran his hand along Drew's face, then Bill closed his eyes, hearing Glenna's voice: _Give him time. It's going to take time._

Drew wasn't the only one who sought Glenna's counsel. Bill spoke to her often, all about Drew, a situation Bill felt helpless over. Nothing he could do to hurry Drew along, but he could ask. Maybe one day Drew would surprise him.

Initially he had accompanied Bill on outings, but that lasted just the first few weeks. Maybe again one day Drew would nod, step from the sofa, leave the tablet behind. He would smile, grab their shopping bags, be the first to the door. Instead Drew sighed, staring at his tablet.

Bill nodded, but Drew couldn't see him. "Anything you forgot to add to the list?"

"I don't think so." Drew looked up, then kissed the back of Bill's hand. "Have a good time."

In the last two months, Bill had explored all manners of affection with this man, had introduced Drew to some of his family. His parents Cap and Roxy had embraced Drew, adding him alongside Bill's younger brothers Bryan and Eddie. Then Drew told Bill about his own parents, how they would have cast him out for being gay. He loved them, missed them, fully accepting the dual nature of his existence. If he had told them the truth, they would have disowned him.

Bill watched as Drew made notes; he had quickly grasped using a tablet, but other issues rankled. "All right, well, I'll be back in an hour or so."

"Have a good time," Drew said, distracted.

Bill headed for the door, then turned back. Drew's eyes waited. "You want to go with me?" Bill said.

Drew shook his head, then looked to floor. "No, but..."

"I love you. I'll see you in a while."

Drew turned away, nodding. Bill opened the door, then locked it behind him.

When he returned with three full bags of groceries, Drew was gone. Bill put everything away, then read the note again, one that Drew had sent while Bill sat on the bus: _Going for a walk. I love you._ The last three words weren't unusual, had eased Bill's heart. The first four made him nervous.

In the last two weeks Drew had avoided all attempts Bill made at being together outside their house. Unless they were going to Annie's or to work, Drew wouldn't accompany Bill anywhere. Bill looked at Drew's tablet, waiting on the sofa. He could try to find him, but that would only cause a scene. Not wherever they met, but back here, within one of Drew's safety zones.

Bill sighed, then checked his mobile, which was how Drew had reached him on the bus. Drew's planet was much less technologically inclined, but the emotional constraints carried heavier implications. Bill had never consciously considered his sexuality; it had never mattered. A quarter of Kezar's population was gay, and Bill had never felt slighted or repressed. He really had no understanding of Drew's anxieties, not as Glenna did. If she wasn't at work, Bill would send her a message. Instead he felt seventeen again, having lost his hair.

That had bothered him for ages, as if his identity had been stripped. He had coveted that mane, and it took years for him to apologize to his parents for his abysmal behavior. They had fretted for his very life, then been slapped by his insolence. Conduct long forgiven, they never spoke of it, and Bill had set it aside, just as Drew tried to live as unobtrusively as possible.

In that house, Drew dropped all pretenses, and while Bill still thought his lover somewhat shy, it wasn't due to Drew's feelings. Only his nature, Cade's too. Their species wasn't as open as Bill and Annie's, yet Cade seemed unaffected, but he wasn't gay, and the last time Bill and Annie had compared notes, Cade was starting to match her passions. He was still slightly reticent, maybe due to his health. Annie noted that after they made love, Cade slept like a log. Sometimes she left him to those extended naps, and if Drew was working, Bill and Annie chatted at length. If Cade happened to wake, he would send Annie a message on her mobile, just so she knew he was conscious. Annie kept a record of his sleep habits, still evolving. Sometimes Bill saw Cade walking the neighborhood, and if it wasn't in the middle of the night, Bill would accompany him, talking about Kezar, also about Cade's past, his ancient past, Cade would laugh. Cade never mentioned his imprisonment, but they spoke about Drew's issues; he didn't want to admit what Cade had seen on all those other homosexuals. Sometimes Cade used that word, and it made Bill shiver, the waste in Cade's voice. Lives hidden, strangled; Cade had mentioned Stella, one of the few who gave her name. He wondered if she had been discovered after the march. Then he would drop the subject, something about that woman silencing his voice.

Sometimes Bill saw Cade walking in the middle of the night, hands in his pockets, staring between the sky and the concrete. The first time Bill had seen Cade out so late, he had nearly asked him inside. Drew had been asleep, Bill restless, their bedtime conversation easing Drew's slumber, stirring Bill's feet. But he hadn't bothered Cade, left that man to his musings. Every time Bill woke at night, he looked for that ghostly apparition, as if Cade was marching alongside cloaked men and women, longing for freedom.

Cade had surrendered his life for countless gays still hushed, their existences as concealed and pained as Cade's incarceration. Bill saw no difference between what Cade suffered and Drew's predicament, only that one persecution had lasted longer than the other. Annie was hopeful that Cade's sleep patterns would return to normal. She wasn't eager to return to work, but looked forward to days commuting, once Cade was well. Bill's experience with newcomers was often limited to the initial introduction. As Drew had stepped from the portal, Cade's ill frame in his arms, Bill's heart had been lost. He had reached for Drew's ashen face only wishing to convey his concern. When Drew flinched, Bill had bit the inside of his cheek. Kezans were so demonstrative, and most planets around them accepted it, but Drew's people were wholly dismissive of that concept. The species were similar physically, one of the closest in this quadrant. Underneath the skin, everything changed.

Annie had hinted she and Cade might want a child together and Turner was looking into it. Bill assumed it was probable, their anatomies were strikingly comparable. What lay in their heads and hearts were dissimilar, and he longed to wipe clean all of Drew's worries. Bill wished he could do the same for Cade. At night he should be at home with Annie, not roaming the sidewalks. Drew should be there now, with Bill. They should have gone shopping together, simple tasks most took for granted. Bill had taken his hair for granted, his sexuality too, the acceptance of it. He quickly wrote a note to his parents, passing along his love, but said nothing about Drew or Cade.

When Drew returned, Bill was napping on the sofa. Drew smiled, tired from his trek. He had stopped at Cade and Annie's, but hadn't stayed long. Cade was asleep, and Drew and Annie spoke softly, listening to gentle snores. A beautiful sound, Drew said, gripping Annie's hands. She shed a few tears and Drew wiped her face, wondering how he stood there. He should be trapped in a false life. Instead he had rubbed Annie Morse's tears between his fingers, listening to those ordinary drones. Drew had peeked into the couple's bedroom, finding Cade sprawled across the bed. Did he lie that way because he had room? In his last months of confinement, Cade had been limited to tiny spaces, but seemed to suffer no lasting effects of claustrophobia. Other than taking up most of Annie's mattress, Cade was adjusting.

Drew watched Bill sleep, but it was edgy rest. Drew wanted to sit next to him, but Bill's lips twitched, as if any disturbance would wake him. Then he turned into the back of the couch. His hair, collected in a ponytail, fell along his shoulder blades. Drew reached for it, then stepped away.

His tablet rested on the coffee table, but he didn't want to read anything. Going upstairs, he used the toilet, then lay on the bed, setting his arms and legs wide, reaching for the sides. They used every part of it while making love, positions Drew hadn't employed with his wife. He never thought of Tabitha when loving Bill, never wished to unite those existences. One was artificial, the other an absolute. Drew could qualify his identity in those two instances. Merging them seemed impossible.

Drew heard Bill wake, then come up the stairs. As he entered the room, Drew didn't move, limbs akimbo. "Did you have a good nap?" Drew asked.

"Why are you lying that way?"

"I went to see Cade and Annie. This was how he laid on their bed."

"Was he asleep?" Bill smiled. "Or did you interrupt something?"

Drew rolled onto his side, facing Bill. "He was unconscious. I wasn't there long."

Bill joined him and Drew moved into Bill's embrace. Drew closed his eyes, forgetting his wife, that existence. The men didn't speak, clinging to each other. This was reality, all that mattered.

Then Bill sighed. "I got some steaks for dinner. Are you hungry?"

"I'm sorry, you know."

"Drew, no, I mean..."

They lay on their backs, and Drew set his arms behind his head. "It's like I know I'll never go back. But I can't just take it from my brain, it's somewhere very permanent. I was thinking how I could have married any woman, it wouldn't have mattered. But I led Tabitha to think that I cared for her, that I loved her. I made her think I loved her."

Bill turned toward Drew. "Maybe some part of you did."

"Maybe, but not like I love you. And Bill, that wasn't right. I shouldn't have done that to her. She didn't deserve it."

"Neither did you."

Drew sighed. "There seemed to be no other way, I mean, I could've stayed single, could have just slept with her, with any of them. But eventually it looks suspicious. Everyone there gets married, everyone settles down." Drew chuckled. "Maybe they're all gay, and no one can admit it."

"Maybe," Bill smiled.

"It's funny to think about it, this massive fabrication weaving through society. But why was it forbidden, why was it made toxic? We don't hurt anyone, we don't wreck the balance of civilization." He stared at Bill. "Why does my loving you threaten them?"

"I don't know."

"I don't either. It doesn't make any fucking sense." Drew sighed. "I'm sorry, it's not your fault. I just, my God, I'm not hurting you, I love you. I never wanted to hurt anyone, I didn't plan this, I didn't choose this, Christ! Why would anyone actively wish to ruin their life?"

Bill caressed Drew's face. "I love you, I am so sorry."

"All I want is to step outside with you, hold this hand in mine." Drew pressed his palm against Bill's. "This means more to me than you can know, that I'll ever manage to tell you. I can lie here, right beside you, and I don't worry, I have no fear. I really mean that. I know whether the front door is locked or not makes absolutely no difference. You locked it when you left, I heard it. And I wanted to get up and tell you that wasn't necessary, that I knew nobody was going to check up on us, come looking for me. But I also know why you did it, one small way to tell me you love me, you're looking out for me. And Bill, Jesus Christ, that means..."

Drew wiped Bill's face, then fingered those tears as he had Annie's. "If I could have gotten up, gone with you, I would have, I really would've. Instead I sat there, listening to that door lock, then you walked away, alone. You left this house alone because I'm too fucking paranoid to go with you, to stand beside you, to be seen with you. That's the truth. That scares the livin' shit outta me.

"Maybe that will never leave, I don't know. Cade was claustrophobic, maybe why he had the heart attack. He was stretched all over their bed, and I wanted to ask Annie if he did that often, but she was already crying, maybe that was answer enough. He has so much to work through, but he's sleeping without Tricin and maybe..."

"Drew, he's not the only one."

A long pause fell between them. Then Drew sighed. "I love you and I want to make that statement, that declaration, but not just in this bed or at work. I wanna walk beside you like I did with my wife. I held her hand, kissed her, everything couples do, trying to reiterate that I was normal, I was fine. That I loved her, wanted her, which wasn't the truth at all. But I did it, I falsified my whole life. Maybe I don't know how to turn that off, maybe I'll never..."

"We have to give it time."

Drew sat up, swinging his legs over the side of the mattress. "Time! How much time does it take to erase..." He stared at Bill. "I wasted the last twenty years, been lying for over two decades. Maybe it makes no difference, maybe..."

"I will always love you, no matter what you can or can't do. Stop beating yourself up for what they did to you."

Drew nodded by reflex, the way he responded to Glenna when she said similar words. He heard those phrases, but regardless of who said them, those sentences slipped in, then out, of his head.

Two nights later they ate dinner at Annie's house. Cade did the cooking, ignoring vegetables, focusing on meats, carbs, and fruits. Drew brought a surprise, four bottles of amber liquid that Annie and Bill stared at with suspicion. "Are you sure this is legal?" Annie asked.

"Glenna procured them. If you have an issue, talk to her." Drew wanted to drink right from the bottle, but Annie wouldn't touch it. Bill said he'd try a sip, and Cade offered to finish what remained.

Not only had Glenna secured four bottles of actual beer, but a bottle opener too. Drew hadn't thought of it, but she seemed pleased to present this small gift. "She said it was a housewarming present."

"Planet-warming you mean," Cade laughed. "Like The Welcome Wagon."

Drew and Cade chuckled as Annie asked for clarification. Bill sniffed the open bottle, then sipped from it as Cade explained. Then he gazed at Bill. "So, whatdya think?"

"It's bitter. You really like this stuff?"

"You really drink coffee?" Drew smiled, then took a long swig. "Oh God, this's good."

"He's not gonna kiss you tonight," Cade said, trying his. "Oh Christ! Where'd she get this?"

"She wouldn't say." Drew took another sip. "But it's the real thing."

Bill shook his head. "You drink all that and I won't kiss you later. Maybe not for a week."

"I bet you will," Drew teased.

As Drew and Cade finished the extra bottles, their exchanges turned silly. Annie and Bill had never seen anyone intoxicated and they laughed as Cade recited passages from his films while Drew answered with what he recalled from those scenes. As Bill and Drew went to leave, Annie had to see them to the door, Cade sleepy on the sofa. "Well, if he starts having trouble again, we'll just ask Glenna for more of this," Bill smiled. "Better than Tricin."

Annie kissed Bill's cheek, then shook Drew's hand. "I agree. Drew, I'm not going to kiss you."

"Oh that's all right. You kiss Cade, and if he tastes bad, kiss him somewhere else."

"I heard that," Cade mumbled.

"Go put him to bed," Annie smiled at Bill. "We'll see you in a day or two."

Bill led Drew's staggering form down the hallway. Closing the door, Annie giggled as Cade started to snore.

He hadn't slept in over a day, but maybe Bill was right. Tricin was too strong for these men, but perhaps half a bottle of beer might help Cade rest. Two bottles was like a drop of Tricin; Annie left her snoozing partner on the couch, sniffing one of the empty bottles. The scent irritated, but Cade seemed unharmed. She rinsed out all four, then went to throw them away.

She stopped, leaving them on the counter. The labels were missing; Glenna had covered her tracks. They would have to request this, if Cade did benefit. Annie was certain Glenna hadn't considered this effect, only providing a taste of home for those needing consolation.

Annie returned to the sofa, lifting Cade's feet, then placing them on her lap. He looked fluid, some deep slumber achieved, like after they made love. He would lay his head next to her breasts, falling asleep along her body, where he felt safe. He said that sometimes, that beside her he could let everything go. Now with two bottles of beer ingested, he had reached that same level of comfort, and she wondered how he would be later. Tricin knocked him out for days, but Annie had no idea what beer would accomplish.

In the middle of the night, Cade woke alone on the couch, feeling nauseous. He sat up slowly, staring into the dark room, hearing Annie's soft slumber. He got up, then turned on the kitchen light, wanting some water. He noted the empty bottles on the counter, felt ill looking at them. Two beers used to be just a way to get limber. Maybe there was Tricin in it, he smiled.

He looked forward to learning Drew's reaction. The water eased Cade's stomach, and he turned off the light, then joined Annie in bed. He closed his eyes, her warm body taking off the edge. Sleep felt far away, also right beside him as if he could rest vicariously through her. He inhaled her softness and warmth. Then he snuggled into her chest, hoping he wouldn't disturb her.

She seemed unbothered, her rhythmic breathing easing his aching head. Why did she affect him so, why did Tricin act like a sledgehammer? Why had Atraxin erased all his heart ailments; Cade wasn't at all tired, then wondered the time. Annie would have noted when he passed out, and while it wasn't unaided rest, she would probably want to mark when he stirred. But he didn't care to move, not even for that information. He would tell her it was the middle of the night, the best response he could offer.

Answers were oblique, like looking at the dome, obscuring the sky. Cade didn't mind the lack of rain; he found the sky's reflection fascinating. Sometimes his life felt like just another movie set, then he smiled. He and Drew had recited old scenes as if repeating their past lives. Drew was a good actor, like all the other gays Cade had known. Every single one of them performed for life or death.

As Annie moved to her back, Cade nestled into her side. Her right breast fell his way, and he gently nudged against it. She responded with a sleepy moan. If Cade continued that motion, she would wake, they would make love. He was hard, not at all tired. His hangover faded with her appreciative sighs, unconscious but ready. Annie was the most passionate woman Cade had ever slept with, rousing a newfound ardor within him. Drew had noted Bill's feverish manner, but it wasn't just Kezan men. The women were just as demanding, and Cade smiled as she began to wake. He loved teasing her, it wasn't difficult. At the facility he hadn't guessed this side of her nature, but it had been waiting, right under the surface, reminding him of Stella.

Cade recalled her dancing eyes and strong smile, that one amazing kiss. Annie had hid her feelings due to propriety and his position as a patient, and even after he was Robert's charge, Annie had remained subdued. Now Cade enjoyed the depth of her love, was still amazed at how horny she was. _Thick with it_ was the term, thick with... Cade smiled as she started to stir.

He whispered her name and she called his, a different sort of therapy. Then she woke fully, releasing him. "When did you come to bed?"

He laughed. "About thirty minutes ago. I've been awake a little more than half an hour."

She giggled. "That's not what I meant."

"Yes it is. Better write it down before you forget."

With sly movements, she lay on top of him. "Drew's your para."

"Drew's probably snoring right now, might wake feeling as crappy as I did."

Annie stopped nibbling on his chest. "How did you feel?"

"Drunk, but it didn't last long."

She sighed, then rolled off of him. "Can you describe it better than that?"

"No I can't. Annie, get back up here."

"Cade..."

He lay on her, they were now the same weight. He set his face along her breast, then smiled. "What difference does it make? I went to sleep, well, I passed out. Now I'm up, no harm done. Not yet anyway."

He pressed into her and they began making love. Cade came easily, listening to her pleasure. Annie's orgasms weren't like women back home; he could tell when they had had faked it. Annie's breaths were rapid, her bliss vocal. She sounded that way now, flushed and sated.

But Cade wasn't sleepy. Occasionally after sex this happened. Usually he went right out, but he had napped, maybe that made a difference. She was close, eyes shut, her body limp. He moved from her, then watched her slip back into slumber. She hadn't written down how long he had slept and Cade smiled, pleased with distracting her. Then he rolled to his side, looking at the clock; two thirty. He stared at those numbers as Annie snored. He wouldn't join her, so he stood, dressed, then wrote a note on her tablet. Cade found his key, left the apartment, heading outside. He gazed at the streetlights, then walked toward Bill and Drew's house. Perhaps Bill would be awake, if the beer affected Drew as it had Cade. This time maybe Bill would come out, talk for a minute. Bill never said anything to Cade about these early morning jaunts, but maybe tonight would be different.

Chapter 9

Cade kept staring at the dome; he wasn't sleepy at all, and Bill was glad he had grabbed a jacket. "Does Annie know about this? Why don't I walk you home?"

"Because I'm not sleepy and I don't wanna wake her. Go back inside Bill. You sound tired."

Bill sighed. "I'm not, sort of weird. Is this how you feel?"

Cade nodded. "It's like living in a different world." He stared at Bill, both with quiet chuckles. "No but really, that's what it's like. Like I really am from somewhere else, how I felt in prison." Cade smiled. "Bill, you ever talk to any of those aliens?"

"It depends on their conditions. Usually not much more than where they're from."

"But you touched Drew, you actually touched him." Cade smiled, then gripped Bill's hand. "Annie told me that just how she fell for me as soon as she thought I was gonna die on her, it was the same for you with Drew. Now, I have no idea how Drew felt, other than scared shitless, but I bet you don't do that with everyone."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah, I mean, not with that sort of meaning. You Kezans, pretty damned touchy-feely, but hell, here he's just stepping out, got what's left of my scrawny ass about to kick it, and the first thing you do is reach for his face."

Cade gazed at Bill, then released his hand. "Sometimes that's how I feel here, like all I want is to reach out and touch someone. Usually Annie's close, thank God. Because then I know I'm really here, really living. This isn't another movie or somebody's dream. Or nightmare."

"Is that why you go walking?"

"Oh, I just go walking because I don't wanna wake up Annie."

Bill nodded, then looked at the sky. "We're never getting out of here, not in a million years."

"You might. I never thought I'd get sprung."

Neither man spoke, then Cade rubbed his upper arms.

"Are you cold?" Bill asked.

"No, just a reflex, I mean, I should be cold. You look cold. Go inside Bill, wake him up and get some."

Bill chuckled. "He's dead to the world. What's in that stuff?"

"Water."

"And Tricin and..."

"Malt and hops, God, hops stink. I was on a film set once, near a field of them, thought I was gonna puke."

Cade's face changed, as if reliving that moment. Bill hadn't known anyone famous, no celebrities on Kezar. Cade appeared bigger than life, then he smiled. "What?"

"How do you do that?"

"Do what?"

"Change so rapidly?"

Cade chuckled. "Mom said I always wanted to be someone else, wanted to be all the siblings I never had. She put up with it, but my dad, Christ, he thought I was gonna be the biggest loser." Cade peered overhead. "I can't even imagine what he thinks of me now."

"I'm sure he's incredibly proud of you."

"Yeah?"

"From all Drew's told me, what you did changed everything."

"All I did. I didn't do jack shit."

"I think Drew would argue that point."

Cade stood, then stretched. "Let's go get his ass outta bed, see just what he thinks."

Bill took Cade's hand. "Let's go for a walk instead."

Cade nodded. "Sure. Let him sleep it off. God, that was some beer Glenna found. Two bottles and I was out."

"Drew wasn't much longer for bed," Bill smiled, leading Cade toward Annie's apartment.

They walked in silence until the building was in sight. "It's pretty, you know, the way the light reflects. Just like a film set."

"What are you going to do now?"

Cade shrugged. "Hell if I know. Maybe make a living outta digging for night crawlers. You guys have worms here?"

Bill shook his head. "Worms?"

"No worms, hmmm. No worms, no beer, no decent coffee. Christ, how am I gonna spend the rest of my days on this planet?"

Cade smiled, then looked at the sidewalk. "Just like a soundstage, no cars, funny light." He stared at Bill. "Guys with ponytails. Now that was definitely for the silver screen."

"No long hair at home?"

"Not on a man." Cade ran his hand along the length. "I loved women with long hair, just loved it. Annie's is getting there, but she has other attributes. But I just loved hiding in it; maybe I am part homosexual," Cade laughed. "Wanting to stay concealed. Maybe all actors are trying to deny something, pretend. They all pretended, every single skim I met. Great people, warm, funny, and thankful, I mean, not for what they had to go through, but for what I said, what I did." Cade stood straight, affecting a pose. Then he smiled. "I was such an asshole, fucking around while making shitty films, well, mediocre films. When Marsh told me he was homosexual, I just about..."

Bill gripped Cade's arm. "Why was it so wrong?" he whispered.

"Hell if I know. I never understood that, probably because a lot of them were in my line of work. Which I didn't really realize until Marsh told me, then I saw it all the time, how many weren't just acting on sets. Then all those I met, Christ, I'd have been put outta work if they could've lived openly."

Cade smiled, then it slipped as he gazed at Bill. "Hey, I'm sorry. I really don't know. I wasn't good at world history, no idea why it was banned."

Bill stared at Annie's building, then the sky. "We'll never get out of here, and they're never going to live freely." He looked at Cade. "I know you think Drew brought you here, but you're the reason he's lying in my bed. Why you Cade, why did all this occur?"

Scuffing his shoe along the sidewalk, Bill gently pulled Cade close. "You asked me why I touched Drew. I did that because I saw the fear in his eyes. What did you say, scared shitless? Drew was terrified, and it's our way." Bill smiled, taking Cade's hand. "Very, what was it, touchy-feely? It's what we're known for, Kezans take all comers. We ruined our planet, got back here, now welcome any and all who are willing to brave living under cover. As soon as I saw what planet had accessed the portal, I knew why. That's part of my job, knowing universes and their histories. Not that I know why your planet is so hostile to gays, but I knew they were. We haven't had any successful transfers in fifteen years, I knew that too. But one was coming, somebody had made it out. They die in transit if it's halted before the portal completes the relocation. If it's terminated on either side before the door opens, those inside are killed."

Cade shook and Bill gripped him. "I watched the seconds tick down, I'd been watching it for over two minutes, a long transfer; you guys lived so far away. Around here they take a matter of seconds, but this just went on and on, and I didn't even ask for Burroughs because I knew she'd be crushed if it failed. They always fail, we get one or two every few months. Since you guys arrived, those women have been on her mind. If they hadn't gone back, maybe she wouldn't be so..."

"They went back?"

Bill nodded. "Five years after they were married, they went back."

"Does Drew know this?"

"No. It's highly classified information. Don't tell Burroughs I told you."

"They went back," Cade mumbled. "Do you know why?"

"They couldn't take it here, couldn't assimilate. They went back supposedly under a treaty. Wherever your friend Marsh and his partner are, that's where they were supposed to go."

"But the transfer didn't work."

Bill shook his head. "They didn't let the transfer finish."

Inside Annie's living room, Bill took off his jacket. Soft drones swirled, but the bedroom door was closed. Cade stood in the kitchen, those four empty bottles between the men. "Does Glenna know you know?"

"She might assume. It's confidential but..."

"But you have access."

"I have ways to reach that sort of information."

Cade nodded. "What else do you know?"

"They'd do anything to get Drew back."

"And me?"

"You're next."

"But Drew's first."

Bill sighed. "They would complete Drew's transfer, but..."

"I'd die in transit." Cade smiled. "Always gonna be second-rate."

"Yeah?"

Cade chuckled. "Back home I wasn't a top tier actor, a B-celebrity, sitting on the second rung." He played with the bottles, then left them alone. "Glenna won't let anything happen to Drew, right?"

"Burroughs would take out whoever tried to send him back, you too."

"God I love that woman. Man, you just have no idea, all of them have the biggest tits!"

Both laughed. "I'll just have to take your word for it."

Cade crossed his arms, then chuckled. "Go home and get some. Nearly six in the morning. Drew's gotta have slept it off by now."

"He was pretty loopy by the time we got home. What's really in that stuff?"

"I told you. Water..."

"And malt and hops. I'll have to investigate those."

"Well, you do that."

"You know I will."

They smiled, then Bill headed for the door. He opened it, then turned to Cade. "Both of you are safe here. Those women went back on their own. No one will force you into the portal."

"I know. Thanks for being honest."

"Honest or loose lipped, not sure which's worse."

"Worse is what sits on the other side of the portal. Now go home and get laid."

Bill stared. "Get laid?"

"Hasn't Drew ever said that to you?"

"No. I assume it means..."

"Yup."

They chuckled as Bill stepped through the doorway. "Getting laid, you never cease to amaze me Cade."

"Hey, don't give me that. You're the ones who're thick with it."

Bill smiled, heading down the hallway.

Annie stepped into Burroughs' office as Cade embraced Glenna, whispering _thanks_ in her ear. Then he ran a hand along her face. "For everything," he added.

She smiled, then blushed. "Cade, for you and Drew, all you have to do is ask."

She closed the door, but Annie shook her head. "I'm only here to see that he didn't get lost." She ruffled Cade's hair, then nodded to Burroughs. "I'll be back in a bit. Have a nice chat."

Annie waved as Glenna protested. Then she smiled at Cade. "Does she miss work?"

"She misses seeing you. Well, Turner too," he smiled.

"Don't tell her, but Turner's bereft without her. We all miss Morse. But she's in a good place."

"Yeah, I think so." They spoke about Cade's adjustment, then those illicit lagers. Glenna wouldn't reveal her source, but teased Cade. "Like I said, all you have to do is ask."

"Both Drew and I appreciated it, really. Some taste of home."

"He said you slept afterwards."

"You mean I passed out." Cade smiled. "I'm a real lightweight now."

"You're looking healthy."

He flexed his right arm. "Gonna be Mr. Olympus next year. I do weigh as much as Annie now."

"You look good Cade." Her lower lip trembled. "It's really a gift to see you so well."

He leaned toward her desk. "Glenna, I can't thank all of you enough. What you did was..."

"It's why we're here. This job is very rewarding at times."

He sat back, putting his hands behind his head. "I remember that feeling."

"You looking for work yet?"

He smiled. "Didn't Annie tell you? I have a job."

"You do?"

"Uh-huh. I walk dogs."

"You what?"

"I walk dogs. Now, don't laugh..."

She giggled. "Are you serious?"

"Yup. Every night, well, every few nights." He cleared his throat. "I'm sure Annie's told you that I don't sleep all night and..."

"You walk them at night?"

"Well, I'm up then and..."

She laughed, then wiped her eyes. "Cade Walton, I don't know what to say. You walk people's dogs. Well, I suppose it's better than loafing."

"Or it's the same thing but I pick up a little currency. Very little, and I do not clean up after them."

"Who does?"

"No one. They never shit around me."

She stared but he didn't blink. "Now I don't know what to believe."

"Just know that I'm a contributing member of Kezan society. And that no dog craps on my watch."

She shook her head. "So is that why you're here today, to tell me you've figured out a way to keep dogs from defecating?"

He put his hands in his lap, then cracked his knuckles. "Well, it was a good anecdote. I never did stand-up, went right for drama with a capital D. Melodrama," he smiled.

"And?"

"And Glenna, there's nothing more theatrical than two women fleeing a planet then turning around and going back there."

Cade hoped Bill wouldn't land in this very room later that day. A month had passed since their chat. A few days later Cade had found a stray dog, located its owner, started his small business. A very small trade; he walked three dogs a few nights a week, and so far none of them had pooped on his watch. He always carried bags, just in case, expected now that Glenna knew, one of those pooches would crap every single outing. Cade would tell her when it occurred; he wouldn't lie to this Kezan, who didn't ask where he had learned his information.

Glenna stared right at him. "They didn't make it back, but I suppose you know that too."

He nodded. "Do you know, I mean, were they close?"

She gazed to the tablet on her desk. "Nearly there. It failed right as they were to materialize."

He grimaced. "I see. When did you find out?"

"I started searching for them after you and Drew arrived. Their murders were classified at the time, still are, but I hadn't thought of them since I learned they had been married and moved away."

"Is that when things really broke down between our governments?"

"They had been in freefall since they arrived. However this was unexpected." She looked at Cade. "Does Annie know?"

"No. Neither does Drew."

She nodded. "And Cade, how did you come by this news?"

"Glenna, you tell me how you got the beer and maybe I'll talk."

Both smiled, and she tapped on her tablet. "Sounds like a deal I'll consider."

"You do that." Cade stood. "What happened afterwards?"

"All communications ceased, but not only with Kezar. A delegation of planets lodged protests. Your home world is far away, but it wasn't taken lightly. A strict transfer completion policy was enacted. All planets signing the treaty altered their portals so transfers can't be aborted. When you and Drew went into transit, there was no way for us to stop it, not that we would have. On our end, terminations aren't possible. Once the procedure began, you were on your way."

"So you couldn't stop it, but what about from the other end?"

"From what Drew said, the officer who initiated the transfer was a grunt, possibly gay. Others had breached the room; maybe they didn't have enough knowledge of how to halt the transfer once it was activated. That young man did as Drew said and here you are."

"But could they have stopped it?"

"We don't know."

Cade nodded. "Glenna, has anyone else tried to come through since we got here?"

"Yes. All have failed."

"So they can stop it."

"Probably. But there's a small chance that because they haven't signed up to the treaty, their stream isn't aligned properly."

"We made it."

"Yes, you did," she smiled. "Maybe Drew's god works miracles."

Cade stared at her. "Are you serious?"

"Don't you believe?"

"Well, yeah, I mean..." He laughed, then shivered. "Jesus Christ," he smiled. "God, Christ, the Spirit, 1, 2, 3. So Glenna, how did we get here?"

"I've had our top engineers, like Dillion, looking at this, because in all probability, you shouldn't be here. Dillion and his crew have no concrete answers, other than the young soldier did exactly as Drew said, with no outside interference."

"But from that far away it takes a couple of minutes for a transfer to complete."

"And how do you know that?"

Cade smiled. "Glenna, about those beers."

"All I can tell you is what I know. You and Drew made it through, end of story."

Cade sat down, pulling his chair close to her desk. "In the last two years, my life has gone from the sublime to the ridiculous. I used to be a famous movie star. Now I walk dogs in the middle of the night because I can't sleep. I'll never see my parents again, but I have Annie next to me whether I'm awake or dreaming. I'm sitting right across from you Glenna, but we're not the same species. Hell, where I'm from, you'd be the one in deep shit."

She nodded.

"Deep shit wherever I go, but it hasn't caught me yet, I keep skirting right around it. Those women couldn't stay here, and I see Drew trying to cope; he sleeps, but can't go out with Bill except to see me and Annie, or come here. Here he's fine, he's safe. But what if one day he gets to feeling like those women, or, God forbid, what if I do? What if I start walking dogs every minute of the day because I can't rest? That's some pretty deep shit. And what if Drew or I start thinking this dome's too much, life's too much. What's to stop one of us from just popping into that portal, seeing what's on the other side? Because Glenna, while I love it here and I adore Annie, every once in a while I'd just love to, you know, step outside. Break a few rules." He smiled. "I broke a big one back home. I know Drew hates it now, but Glenna, some part of me will always call it home."

"I'd break your legs first. Then I'd break Drew's."

Cade laughed, then stood, stepping around her desk. He knelt beside her, taking her trembling frame against him. "Good Glenna, that's all I needed to hear."

Annie returned finding her boss in tears, Cade too. Their laughter didn't fool Annie, but she didn't ask until at home, in bed with Cade. "We were just talking about Drew, that's all."

"Crying over Drew, laughing about what?"

"My job. She really thinks I've lost my mind."

"I agree." Annie stroked his face, then laid her palm over his heart. "Cade, I love you."

"I love you too. How do people here get married?"

"Why?"

"Just wondering. Back home..."

He stopped as she buried her face in his side. "What baby?"

"Why was Burroughs crying?"

He pulled her away. "Hey, no, it's nothing like that. I just wanted to know a few things. Annie, hey honey, it's okay."

"Why do you want to know about that?"

"Because I got here due to that portal and..."

"Not the portal."

"Marriage?"

She nodded.

"Why do you think?"

"Cade..."

"Hey, don't get bent outta shape. Not like I'm gonna ask you or anything."

As she started to speak, he kissed her. It led to an intimacy Annie felt more than with any other man. Cade was singular in so many ways, but in bed, he had no equal. Annie wailed, trying to catch her breath, trying to not think of that word. Cade slipped it in her ear, then flopped over her. "It's all I want with you," he added.

"I hate you," she mumbled, wiping her face.

"You really know how to show it."

"Yeah, well..." She inhaled, gripping him. "Cade, it's a very sacred, eternal union."

"It was back home too."

"Here it takes time, it's not just between young couples."

"Like how much time?"

"Years. My parents didn't marry until I was twenty."

"Twenty, are you shitting me? Twenty fucking years old?"

She giggled, then nodded. "It's a very profound, precious ritual not taken lightly."

"That was just ten years ago," Cade sighed. Then he sat up. "I don't care. I love you, I wanna marry you. Can't we get a dispensation or something? I am an alien..."

He pulled her up, taking her against his chest. "Annie, I'm serious. Whatever it takes, maybe Glenna can speak on my behalf, go to whoever's in charge." He paused. "She's pretty high up there, what's her boss' name, Mitchell something. Maybe he can..."

"Cade, are you serious?"

"Of course I'm serious! Annie, I love you and..."

She kissed him, which led again to him inside her. Still exhausted, he became another man in these moments; he was absolutely free. As they made love, Annie felt not only intense personal pleasure but immense hope for the man above her, or under her, or wherever Cade happened to be. As soon as he came, she was certain he would fall asleep.

Then this notion could be set aside, not because she feared marriage, but what it meant. Nuptials brokered another life. Perhaps she was the one unprepared for such a bond.

Cade's eyes fluttered, his breath slowed. Sex tamed this man, and Annie watched it happen. He came, crying her name, the last words he said. Then he closed his eyes, snuggling into her chest. She pulled the blanket over them, his warm frame melting into hers.

After twenty minutes, she moved from under him. He never stirred when this unconscious, but he had been awake for over a day and a half. He rarely went past two days, his body finding small rhythms, not where Annie would like him to be, but he didn't need Tricin, or that smelly beer. He needed her, and she loved him. She loved him more than she ever dreamed possible, but marriage was something else entirely.

Annie took a shower, then called her mother, saying nothing to Mara about Cade's proposal. Annie asked about her dad. Gale had gone fishing with Annie's oldest brother Skip. Bill's siblings lived in distant domes, but Annie's relatives dwelled within minutes of each other, in a city three hours from Larkin. A connector ferried Annie when she visited her family, who lived just past her dome, where Annie had grown up, her parents unmarried. Mara and Gale had waited to state their vows until their only daughter and youngest child was in college, mostly due to custom, also that after years of troubled cohabitation, no more issues lingered. But Annie hadn't shared that with Cade.

None of her colleagues knew, it was a private issue. And because few couples married young, their troubles weren't broadcast. Annie and her older brothers knew, some of their close relatives. The government did as well, but not the branch Annie worked for. Aliens had nothing in regard to Gale and Mara's dilemmas.

Annie hadn't told Cade about it, it had nothing to do with him now that he was sleeping properly. Or that he slept. Nothing correct about a man who stayed awake for over thirty hours at a time, then dozed for five or six. Maybe it wasn't right that Annie had been drawn to Cade because he shared similarities with her father. She had pondered it when Cade first arrived, but had set it aside after he moved in with her. She had certainly never expected him to speak of marriage.

They had talked about a child, and Turner was still investigating. Motherhood usually preceded nuptials, but Annie hadn't breathed that to her mom. As far as her parents knew, Cade was compatible with their species and well-suited to her. Over his snores, Annie said goodbye to her mother, and that she and Cade would be visiting as planned next month. In another month, Annie and Cade were taking the long ride to the connection station, then the short hop through the tube. Her parents would be waiting at the platform, maybe her siblings. Annie curled into the sofa. She wasn't tired, but might close her eyes. Cade would probably wake her when he left to walk the dogs.

Chapter 10

Drew sat across from Cade, the men sharing a cold one. Glenna gave Drew two beers at a time, and the men drank them together at Drew and Bill's. Cade thought the lager tasted like a brand from home, but Drew felt it had to be from somewhere nearby. No labels adorned the bottles, but the friends had stopped joking that Glenna was conducting secret experiments. They drank their beers, talking about their lives, these lives. Rarely did they speak of the past.

Cade said he was going to formally propose to Annie when they visited her parents next week. Drew added he couldn't wait to see the ring, to which Cade sighed. "I don't think they do that here. Nobody wears jewelry."

Drew nodded. "You could still get her one. If Burroughs can arrange beer, I bet she'd figure out how to obtain an engagement ring."

"You called her..."

"I know, I know." Drew smiled, sipping his beer. "It's what they all use, Turner and Burroughs and Dillion."

"What do you call Sharon?"

"Turner. Gets confusing."

Cade chuckled. "Do you like it, I mean, the work?"

"Yeah, it's like I can accomplish what I went to school for, feel productive. It means..." Drew sighed. "Cade, I actually help people now."

"You saved my life."

"Yours was the only one."

Cade swigged from his bottle, then picked at glue where the label had been. "I need to find out where she gets this, God, it tastes just like..."

"It does, but it's gotta be from somewhere close, just tastes the same."

They stared at each other. "I dreamed of it last night. Did I tell you I slept all night last night?"

"No you didn't." Drew smiled. "How many hours?"

"Eight, right after Annie nailed me. Was supposed to walk the dogs, instead she put me in a coma."

"Did you walk the dogs today?"

"This morning. Boy, they were pissed. Crapped all over the sidewalk."

They laughed, ignoring Cade's dream. Then Drew stood, setting his empty bottle on the counter. He stared into the room, then at Cade. "So, you gonna tell me what you dreamed?"
"Was waiting for you to ask."

"Do you want me to know?"

"You're the only one who'd get it. But if you don't wanna hear..."

"What'd you dream?"

Cade put his hands behind his head. "I was on stage, getting ready to accept Marsh's award. Did you watch that?"

Drew nodded. "I was at work, some colleagues called me over."

"Did you know he was gay?"

"I suspected it, but then I suspected a lot of actors were."

"Did your colleagues get it?"

"Yeah, most of them. They were all pretty stunned by your speech."

"Because of what I said or that it was me saying it?"

"Both," Drew smiled.

Cade chuckled, then cracked his knuckles. "I was up there, getting ready to give it again, and to the left, just behind the curtains, Glenna and Robert were standing, looking really nervous. Then I saw her boss, Mitchell What's-his-name. What is his last name?"

"Hardin. Mitchell Hardin."

"Yeah, so he's on the right side, putting his finger to his throat, you know, trying to cut me off. But I kept right on talking, but it's not Chantal standing with me, it's Annie wearing Chantal's dress, falling out of it you know, boobs spilling everywhere." Cade smiled. "If I ever get back there, that's gonna be the biggest change, all those flat-chested women."

"Cade, you can't ever go back."

"Yeah, but if I ever did, you know? Anyway, Annie's standing there and she's got Marsh's statue, but won't give it to me. She's just bawling her head off and everyone in the audience is crying too. And then Drew, I look out and you're sitting in the front row, holding Bill's hand. Marsh and his partner are flanking you guys and they're crying, but you and Bill aren't. You're just sitting there, staring at me." Cade looked at Drew. "Just about how you look right now, like what the fuck?"

Drew gripped the counter as Cade finished his beer. "It ended right there, I don't know why they were crying or why Annie was there, but you and Bill were sitting beside each other, out in the open. It's gonna happen someday Drew, I know it will."

As Drew gripped himself, Cade stood slowly, carrying his bottle to the counter. He set it beside Drew's, keeping distance between them. Drew still had wide eyes, a closed mouth, white knuckles, and Cade gently clasped Drew's hand.

"I never dream about that night. Plenty about my family, work, you know, movies I made. But I don't dream about that night or all that happened afterwards, I mean, in between. I dream about prison, that I'm so cold, usually when Annie's not next to me. I wake alone from those dreams. Either I'm freezing or covered in shit, or plucked." He chuckled. "I hated that, goddamn bastards even shaved my eyebrows. Guess I should be glad they didn't take out my eyelashes..."

"Cade, Jesus Christ!"

"Hey, I'm sorry, I didn't mean..."

Voices were raised, but the men hadn't moved, Cade still holding Drew's hand. "Hey look, forget it, forget the whole damned..."

"Why would you even say you wanted to go back there? How can you even think it?"

"Because they didn't kill me, didn't fuck with me as long as they did you."

Drew set his other hand on top of Cade's. "I just wanted to hold your hand, let you know someone was there for you. I wanted to with all the others, but I never could." He looked at Cade. "I was a complete failure as a doctor. All I did was save my own skin."

Cade placed his free hand on the pile. Then he squeezed. "You did what you needed to do to stay alive."

"Yeah?"

"Uh-huh. And then you got me outta there, you saved my life. I'm sorry for the others, but hell man, I'm right here. They would've killed me, God only knows how, but they would have. Instead I'm gonna meet Annie's parents in a week, and come hell or high water, I'm gonna marry that woman whether she wants it or not."

His tone was somber, his grip ferocious. Then Cade set his hand on Drew's face. "We weren't supposed to make it out of there, do you know that? Somebody made sure we got out of there, and it wasn't that little corporal who begged for his life. Somebody else had to sit there and watch those seconds tick down, making sure nobody fucked with the transfer. That portal back home isn't tied into the network like all the ones on this side of the galaxy. They've got their own agenda, but somebody made certain we weren't fried reaching the other side."

"There was a man, a doctor, he told me that morning you were gonna be taken, maybe it was him."

"Well, someone intervened on our behalf. And now we're standing here, two men in one house, and nobody's knocking on the door, no one's waiting outside. Drew look, I'm holding your hand. It's all right. We're safe here, we really are."

Drew's lip quivered and Cade blinked tears. "I saw it on every single skim's face, this shitty, miserable fear, but also hope, perseverance, pride. They had to hide, deny, no other choice, but inside they were still themselves, that hadn't been beaten into submission. Stella was one of the most incredible women, reminds me so much of Glenna, and if she hadn't been gay..."

"I never saw them like that." Drew stared at Cade. "It was beaten out of all the ones I saw, every last ounce of who they were, and I couldn't even take their hand."

He looked at the counter, the beer bottles, then his fingers, layered with Cade's. "I couldn't touch them, couldn't give them what I was supposed to as a doctor, as a fellow man. I stood over them, watched numbers and monitors and tubes running in and out as if they weren't individuals or people, just suspect bodies, no more than filth." He looked at Cade. "Then you came in, looking like some creature left to rot. Which was what you were, but it took so much time to make you look so awful." Drew sighed, then looked back at their hands. "I just kept thinking of all your movies and appearances, then how you were at the march, being taken away, defiant but limp. That's how you were Cade, lying there near death. Defiant but limp."

"Probably really pissed them off they didn't get to kill me themselves."

Drew saw Cade's smile. "Maybe. Cade, how do you know so much about the portal?"

"A little bird told me."

"Yeah?"

"Drew, somebody back there saved our lives. Maybe it was that doctor, who the hell knows? But somebody wanted to make a statement, and maybe they're dead now, but we're not. I know you're scared to walk out of here with Bill, and I can't imagine what that must feel like. Drew, they screwed with you as badly as they did with me, maybe worse. Either way, neither of us are right in the head, but one day it's gonna be okay. We're here when we shouldn't be, so yeah, that's gotta mean something."

"I just, it's just..."

"Hard, I know, believe me I know. I lay next to Annie sometimes and all I wanna do is sleep. I know we're completely safe here, but sometimes when I was so tired and I knew if I just closed my eyes I'd be out for ages, I still forced them open because I just didn't know how I'd be when I woke. And I still feel that way, even if I've got Annie's huge tits right in my face." Cade smiled, then embraced his friend, trying to calm Drew's tremors. "Even in that very warm, safe place, falling asleep still scares the shit outta me."

Drew walked Cade home, finding Annie packing. Drew didn't mind walking with Cade, they were friends, laughing about dogs, beer, and how strange life was. As Drew kissed Annie goodbye, he smiled at Cade, then made a slashing motion across his throat. Cade laughed, watching Drew head for the elevator.

"What was that about?" Annie came to his side.

"A dream I had." Cade closed the door, then kissed her, running his hands along her hips. "So, you pack for me too?"

"Oh yeah, did yours first, so much to arrange."

"Yeah, me and all my accessories."

He owned few clothes, this life an antithesis of his old in nearly every manner. He wasn't famous, he was monogamous, he was an alien. "It's like here, I'm the skim."

"Yeah?"

"Mmmhmm, living so quietly, trying not to be noticed."

"Cade, you can do whatever you want. You're not tied to walking dogs in the middle of the night."

"No, I like it. Well, I liked it before they started crapping everywhere." He kissed her again.  
"Annie, are you sure your parents don't care that I'm not Kezan?"

"Cade, we've discussed this..."

"Or will it be worse that I pick up dog shit?"

She rolled her eyes at him. "All they want for me and my brothers is to be happy. Really. That's all that matters to them."

He nodded. "Annie, if I ask you to marry me there..."

"Now that will make me cross."

Her smiled teased and he thought about asking Glenna about a ring. Cade wanted to set a ring on Annie's finger, maybe not in front of her family. That would piss her off. But here, in this apartment, or maybe over at Drew and Bill's. "Annie, I promise I won't embarrass you. No talk about rings or dog crap or..."

"Rings?"

"You know, or maybe you don't." He held her left hand, tracing her bare ring finger. "Annie, at home, married couples exchange rings, you know, a ring?"

"No I don't know," she smiled.

"No I guess you don't, but you don't seem too bothered that maybe I love you enough to set a band right here." He toyed with that finger. "What if I slip a thin band over this knuckle, huh? You gonna argue with that?"

"What will it mean?"

"Well, depending on you, it'll mean either we're gonna get married, or that we just did."

"Is that a firm custom Cade?"

"It's how jewelry stores stay in business."

His hand lay along her cheek, gently caressing her jaw, up to her eyes. "Annie, I really do love you that much. I know these things don't mean the same to you, but they do to me. If Glenna can get Drew and I plastered, then she can certainly help make you mine."

"You really want this, don't you?"

He kissed her. "Oh yeah, Annie, I really do."

"Is this something you wanted back there?" she whispered.

He shook his head. "Never gave it any thought. It's you Annie Morse, you're the catalyst. The reason, my purpose for..."

"Don't Cade, don't."

She moved from him, then went into their bedroom. Cade stood still, hearing zippers and hinges, then a lock. He went to the bedroom doorway. She sat on the edge of the mattress, two suitcases closed.

"Annie, you're why I'm here."

"Please don't say that."

"Why?"

"Because it makes me uncomfortable."

Cade stepped into the room. "You're just like Drew, don't give yourself enough credit."

She stared at him. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"You know exactly what it means. He saved my life, you're why I'm here, and neither one of you wanna accept those things."

"Cade, I had nothing to do with what you went through back there."

He knelt in front of her, kissing her hands. "Annie, you don't get it. Baby, oh God, how can I explain? Annie Morse, will you marry me?"

"What's that supposed to mean?"

He laughed at her anger. "It means everything honey. You are everything to me, all that I went through, everything that I ignored before. Nothing meant anything, but then maybe it wasn't supposed to because you're it. Annie, I'm here for you."

"Oh Cade, please don't say this..."

"Will you? Or maybe _can you_ is more the question. Can you marry me Annie?"

"What are you talking about?"

"Is there any decree or alien/Kezan crap that would make marriage between us illegal?"

"Well, probably not but..."

"Do you love me?"

"Oh Cade..."

"Do you?"

He traced around her eyes, soft warm skin under his fingertips. Between the beer and this woman, Cade could find some semblance of normal sleep. He might risk alcoholism, and he smiled. "When I was awake, trying not to listen to them, I kept thinking why am I here, why is this happening to me? Maybe that doesn't sound rational, but when someone's doing all they can to knock plausible thought right outta the picture, you'll do whatever it takes to maintain balance, some whacked-out equilibrium, because nothing's right anymore, nothing's what it's supposed to be. In the back of my brain, I kept asking myself why, there had to be a reason. This wasn't occurring for nothing, and by then I didn't give a shit about skims, this was about me, keeping myself sane. Whatever it took, I was not gonna give in to them." He kissed her tears. "There had to be a reason and baby, you're it."

"Yeah?" she mumbled.

"So far away from where I was, here you were, tending who knows from wherever, and then one day I fell right in your lap. Miles and miles away Annie, galaxies and universes between us, until Drew stepped outta that portal. He stepped out and you and Bill were waiting for us. Annie Morse, if that doesn't speak of a higher power, I'll drink some coffee."

The corners of her mouth turned upward as he wiped her face.

"Honey, Drew did his part, even if he thinks he didn't do enough. You're the same. Here I am, why is that? I have no fucking clue. But I'm right beside you, and in a few minutes I'm gonna be even closer." He chuckled, caressing her breast. "Annie, oh Annie, I love you. I never loved any woman in my whole life except my mother, and I don't love her like this. Only you, nothing means more to me than you do."

He sat beside her as she wept. "Baby, that tiny part of my brain needed a reason, fuel, something to keep me going. I knew there had to be something, and you're it. And Annie, I'm sorry if that makes you cry, but I'm not sorry to tell you, I'm an asshole I guess. But I'm the luckiest one, going across stars and time, whatever that portal goes through. You told me nothing was gonna hurt me, no one was gonna take me away and I believed you, you and Drew both. You both were why I went through all that, Bill too I guess. All three of you, maybe Glenna too. Shit, let's throw Turner in as well, the whole goddamn Kezan population, even old Great-Grandpa Dirk. My life is for this place, this moment, for you. Let me close the circle Annie. Nothing would mean more to me than making you my wife, no matter what it means to you or anyone here. It means something to me. It means I'm alive."

"Oh Cade!"

"Will you marry me, can you marry me?"

She nodded, blubbering his name.

"Good, oh Annie, that's fantastic, shit!" He stood, pulled her up, wiped her face, then kissed her. "You taste like snot," he smiled.

"Can I at least blow my nose?"

"Sure. Then get naked."

She reached for a tissue, blew with force, then stared at him. "Is that another ritual?"

"Nope. I'm just hard as hell."

She giggled, then blew again. Then she removed her clothes as he did the same, falling into the bed, consummating their agreement.

She said nothing to her parents, who met them at the platform, two of her brothers alongside. Skip and Garrett Morse shook Cade's hand as Annie embraced her mother. Then Cade stepped toward a large, tired man demanding a hug. "Come here, let me greet you properly."

Cade grinned, then was nearly crushed. As Gale released him, Cade almost stumbled, then was caught by Mara's warm arms. "He's a bear," she whispered. "Welcome to the family."

Her cuddle was softer, longer, and just as meaningful. Cade blinked tears, then stepped close to Annie. "Well, thank you," he smiled, gripping her hand. "It's, uh, great to meet you all."

The Morse men laughed as Mara set her hand to Cade's face. "Annie hasn't told us everything about you. Expect to spill your guts once we get you home."

Her voice was motherly and Cade nodded as if another of her sons. "You bet."

"Let's get going. A few buses to catch between here and the house."

Annie squeezed his hand again, their bags carried by Skip and Garrett. Gale's slow steps were guided by his wife, and Cade felt the same in Annie's care. "Is that us in thirty years?" he whispered to her.

Her smile was short, followed by a shrug. Cade picked up his pace, looking at a similar flat landscape as Larkin, another dome overhead.

They ate dinner, then fell into the guest bed, hearing Gale, Mara, and Skip in the living room. Garrett had gone home after the meal and Cade was looking forward to meeting the middle brother, Chris, tomorrow. None of them were married, but that didn't surprise Cade. Only custom, as each had a girlfriend. For his initial introduction, it was just Annie's blood relatives. All were effusive, but Mara had hugged him most, and Cade snuggled into Annie, thinking of his mom, even his dad. He would never see them again, but Annie's parents would suffice.

"Are you okay?" she asked.

He nodded. "I just never expected it. They're so..."

"They like you. Mom really likes you."

"I got that," he chuckled.

"I told them you weren't as gregarious, but maybe they forgot."

"Your mother certainly did."

"You made a good impression."

"Yeah?"

"Oh yes."

He nuzzled against her breasts, then Annie removed her blouse and bra. He wasn't tired, had slept just last night. He wasn't sure what he would do that evening, maybe read, write to Drew, compare notes. Drew had met Bill's parents, but not his brothers. If they were as friendly as Annie's, Drew might need time to prepare.

"Make love to me," Annie whispered.

"They're right outside the door."

"Please?"

Cade smiled, then undressed. When they were done, he remained on top of her, ignoring the drifting conversation that hadn't detracted from what Annie asked of him. She had asked him to inaugurate their relationship within this house. Maybe that was equal to him asking her to get married. "So, are you gonna tell your mom?"

"Tell her what?"

"About us."

"About this?"

"About marrying me."

"Oh that."

"Yes Annie, that."

"Cade..."

He kissed her breast, then lay beside her. "I really want them there, I mean, unless they can't be."

"Cade, it's not a ceremony, I mean..."

They hadn't spoken of this, Cade not wishing to make her cry that hard again. "Baby, I'd like them to be there."

"There is nothing for them to be there for. Cade, do you know how Kezans make that commitment?"

"Well, uh..."

Cade smiled as she sat up, folding arms over her breasts. "Kezan weddings aren't a service, not the way you describe. It's really very different."

"How different?"

She sighed, lying across his torso, looking at his face. "We write our names on a long list."

"You mean actually write them, not on a tablet?"

"Stop teasing. Yes, we write them, with a pen." She stuck out her tongue. "Then eight days later, we return, circling our names. That's how Kezans are married."

"That's it?"

"Shhh." She tapped his side. "Yes, that's it."

"Why in the hell do you wait so long?"

"Because once your name is linked with another, that's it for the rest of your lives."

"Till death do you part."

"What?"

"What we say. I Cade take you Annie to be my lawfully wedded wife. To have and to hold, in sickness and in health, until death do we part. Then I kiss you and..."

She shuddered. "You actually say all that?"

"Usually more."

She moved from him, then curled into his side. "Well, hmmm." She laughed nervously. "That's a mouthful."

"And you sign your name. On a list. Then walk away."

"Then come back eight days later and circle it. It's very sacred."

"And then you do a little dance and snap your fingers and..."

"Cade..."

"Can we do both?"

"What?"

"You heard me. I'll sign my name if you say some vows."

"Are you serious?"

"Am I serious? You people wait thirty years to sign your name to some piece of paper, then come back and circle it and you're asking if I'm serious? By then, who gives a crap if you're married or not?"

He laughed, stroking her head. Then he found her tears. "Oh shit, I'm sorry. Hey baby, don't cry."

"Cade, it means everything to us, signing that paper, then returning, oh I can't explain."

"No baby, I'm sorry. I mean, God, if you wanna wait, sure honey, whatever."

She nestled into him and Cade tried to wipe her face. "Annie, please baby, I'm sorry, okay? Really I'm so sorry."

"Cade, my parents waited a long time, over thirty years, to make that commitment."

Her brother Skip was now in his forties, with two children, whom Mara spoke of often. Chris had one child with his girlfriend, and Garrett's was pregnant. Cade had wanted to meet her, meet all of them, try to see Annie's view through actual people. Only Robert and Sharon were married, not even Glenna and Connie were wed.

"Annie, listen, forget everything I said okay? No ring, we'll wait, have kids first, whatever you want. Baby, please, look at me?"

She shook her head, but kissed his skin. Cade closed his eyes, wishing he could sleep. She would soon, a long day spent on trains, then so much conversation and physical contact between her relatives. With no dogs to walk, Cade would write Drew a long note, plenty to tell him.

"Cade, my parents didn't marry because my dad wasn't well."

"I noticed he's not quick on his feet."

"No, he's not." She looked up, then slowly found his eyes. "Cade, my dad was very sick when I was little."

He stroked blonde hairs from her face. Her family liked how long it was, thanking Cade for the change. "Annie, you're exhausted, we can talk about this tomorrow."

"You're not tired."

"I slept yesterday, remember?"

"My dad couldn't sleep either. He understands you more than you think."

"What'd you tell him?"

"Just that you don't sleep well. Cade, my parents waited a few extra years, making certain they really were solid."

"Annie, you were twenty by then, how much more together did they need to be?"

"They just had to make sure. Once they wrote their names, that was it. There's no living apart, no splitting up."

"By law or..."

"Just how we accept marriage. It was that way before the domes, before the war. It's a part of our heritage we can enact today, one of the few things we still have."

"Annie, I love you. I never wanna be separated from you."

"Cade, I know that. It's just..."

Laughter stirred outside their door. Annie giggled, then kissed Cade's cheek. "They're going to bed now."

"So do we need to be quiet?"

"No, they'll fall asleep as soon as they're under the blankets."

"Annie, you need to sleep." He pulled up the comforter. "I'm gonna write to Drew and..."

"Cade, stay here tonight, please?"

"I wasn't gonna go to the living room, I can assure you."

"No, I mean, right here, by me."

"Annie, what?"

Her sigh was long, punctuated by the closing of her parents' door. "Cade, my father worked outside the domes, he was on a maintenance crew. They wore suits, were put in quarantine, all sorts of safety regulations."

"Is that why he's not well?"

She nodded. "But they didn't know for years. He quit when I was born, Mom wanted him to change to something not so intrusive. We moved here, he went to work for a local company, another maintenance position, but inside, not out there. Cade, it took years for the effects to hit him, others too. My father nearly died, and that none of us kids were affected was a marvel, because other workers' offspring were born compromised."

"Compromised?"

"You know, injured, unhealthy."

"Deformed."

"Oh well, that's applicable. Yes," she sighed. "Deformed. I've never heard that word."

"Annie, do you not wanna get married because you're worried about us having kids?"

She shook her head. "Oh no, I mean, I've been through so many tests, my brothers too. Their kids are fine, no, it's not that."

"Annie, I love you. I am never leaving here. This is my home now."

"It's not that, I mean..."

"What?"

"I watched my parents struggle with his illness. My father used to be so active, healthy, he loved sports, was involved with my brothers' teams. Then that part of him disappeared, and there was nothing he or my mother could do. When I was a young teenager, he became violent. He beat her, and sometimes I thought that Mom would tire of it, or that Dad would just leave, not be willing to overcome it. It took years of therapy and treatment. When they told us they were going to marry, my brothers, especially Skip, didn't believe them, but they signed their names and eight days later, we watched them walk into that building. It's just scrolls all over the walls tacked over ones that have been there since Kezans returned. The only paper we use is for getting married and when they stepped out, holding hands, I started crying, running to them, as if they had done more than that. As if my dad was well, but he's not, he's still very sick. Mom said they decided to sign their names partly because they wanted to be married, but also that Dad was so ill, they weren't sure if he was going to survive." Annie wiped her face, then kissed Cade's chest. "But he's surprised us all. For ten years they've been married, which means so much to my people, it's more than just living with someone, or even having a child together. Getting married mirrors our return to this planet; all the worst times have been justified. Not that it will be easy from here on out, but that years have been accrued and no questions remain."

Cade ran his hands along her back. "Annie, that's exactly how I feel about you."

She nodded. "I know but..."

"But we're not that old or have had all that time together. Annie, what difference does that make? I came across space for you. I didn't know it then, but why else am I here?"

"No but, it's not like that, I mean..."

"How's it any different? Because we don't have the years, because I'm not Kezan? If you want, I'll sign my name, we don't have to say a single thing. No ring, whatever you want. But Annie, my God, if this isn't more reason to get married now..."

"Cade, we can't, it's not..."

"Are you afraid I'm gonna change, you think I'm gonna stop loving you? I'm not, I can tell you that right now. There's nothing in this world but death that will take me from you. Not any other single thing in existence."

But what if you can't sleep, she wanted to say. Instead Annie shook against his skin.

When she woke, Cade wasn't next to her, but his laughter carried through the walls. He was talking with her mother about his planet, that he used to be a famous actor. Mara didn't sound impressed, then Annie smiled.

She joined them for breakfast as Cade continued his tales. When he left for a shower, Mara waited until the water ran. Then she chuckled. "Quite a fellow. He looks so Kezan."

"Mom..." Annie wanted to share his plans, which weren't Kezan at all. "Yeah, he's something else."

"He really loves you," Mara smiled.

"Where's Dad?"

"He and Skip went fishing. They asked Cade if he wanted to go, but he said he'd be in trouble if you woke and he was gone."

"Hmmm." Annie drank the coffee Mara had poured. "What time did you get up?"

"Early. He was awake. Is that all right?"

"Mom, he wants to marry me."

Mara raised her eyebrows. "Is that customary for his people at such a young age?"

"I guess." Annie sighed. "Mom, I told him about Dad, about..."

"Annie, do you want to marry him?"

"Mom I can't, I mean..."

"He's not Kezan, no matter how normal he looks." Mara smiled. "Maybe it means something to him."

"Mom, he went through a lot back there, he's..."

"Your father went through a lot here. Are you afraid Cade's going to change?"

"I'm afraid he's not going to last."

Mara stared at her. "Then why did you bring him to meet us? Has he asked you to marry him?"

Annie nodded.

"And what did you say?"

"I told him about our customs, how it takes years and..."

"But he asked you, correct?"

"Yes."

"Does he know what that means?"

"No."

Mara giggled. "Shall I tell him?"

"He said vows to me."

"Vows?"

"They say vows, he said his to me."

"So you are married," Mara smiled. "But he doesn't know it."

"Mom..."

"Annie, you of all people should be ashamed. Dealing with all those newcomers, and you never told him this?"

"Mom..."

"If you don't tell him right now, I will. Unless he locked the bathroom door. Then I'll tell him as soon as he gets out."

Annie trembled, then felt her mother's warm embrace. "Honey, if he really enacted whatever traditions he's accustomed to..."

"But Mom, he's not solid, he's still so..."

"Transitory. So was your father when I married him. But it's been ten years. Gale never imagined he would live to see you sign your name."

"You're telling me I don't even need to."

Mara laughed, kissing her daughter's cheek. "Go tell him. I'm sure he won't mind."

"But Mom..."

"Annie Morse, go tell that man the truth." Mara gave her a small shove. "Go take a shower with your husband."

Annie dragged her feet, heading for the bathroom.

"Cade, can I come in?"

"Of course."

She undressed after locking the door. "I need to tell you something."

"Get in here." Cade pulled back the curtain. "Or are you gonna stand there and tease me?"

She stepped in. "Cade, I have to tell you..."

He kissed her. "How about you make love to me first?"

She shook her head. "No, I need to just say it."

"What?"

"Cade, we're already married."

He smiled, splashing water at her. "Annie, come here."

She stepped under the spray, closing her eyes. "Cade, there's a tradition..."

"You're cute. First you don't wanna marry me, then we sleep together under your parents' roof and suddenly..."

She kissed him, then began to cry. "Shut up and listen to me. We're already married. You said those vows, you expressed your native rituals, and that means..."

He turned off the water. "Annie?"

She nodded. "You said those vows and I know I didn't say anything back, but Cade, when an alien implies their marital customs, my people accept those fully."

"Yeah?"

"You don't need to sign anything Cade. I'm already your wife."

He stroked the side of her face. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"You know why."

He nodded, then gently ran fingers along her eyes. "I release you from those words. You didn't say them, there's nothing to..."

"Cade, will you do one thing for me?"

He kissed her forehead. "Anything baby."

She looked at her left hand, then set it on his chest. "I'm your wife now, but you have your own customs. And Cade, I want to share that. I, I'd like a band to wear. Then people will know what your traditions mean to me."

"Oh Annie..."

He turned on the shower, then rested his forehead against hers as their tears mixed with falling water.

Chapter 11

Drew gripped Bill's hand all through a ceremony so similar to his with Tabitha, similar to all Drew had ever attended. Cade and Annie said vows, exchanged rings, then kissed. On his feet Drew began the applause; other than the newly married couple, only Drew comprehended what had just occurred.

He saw Bill's joy, felt the same. It was the marriage, also where they stood, not in the facility. They clapped alongside others in a hotel banquet room, but with those who knew them, Drew felt safe. Cade had kidded they would marry at the base, but Annie's family couldn't have attended. Yet most of the guests were Bill and Drew's colleagues, Annie's former co-workers. Among them Drew didn't feel shy about holding Bill's hand or standing close to him. In a rare act of courage, Drew embraced his partner, again closing his eyes. If anyone disapproved, he didn't want to know.

"I love you," Bill whispered.

"Love you too." Drew nodded, then let go. Then he turned to those across; Annie's family seemed accepting of this odd ritual. Glenna squeezed Drew's shoulder, and he smiled at her, then Connie. Then he looked at the approaching couple, Cade's tired but pleased grin a beacon.

"Congratulations," Drew stammered.

Cade laughed. "C'mere!"

In Cade's arms, Drew didn't flinch, felt perfectly normal. He nearly felt that way in Bill's, what was the difference? When Cade released him, Drew hugged Annie, also without any cost. Then the couple stepped to her family. They had hugged Drew first, which made him sigh.

Throughout the evening, Drew sat to Cade's left, flanked by Bill. Tables buzzed with conversation, most centered on the ceremony, how fitting it was to brook intermarriage. No one had witnessed that sort of declaration, and Drew heard only praise. Several people admired Annie's ring, especially Connie, and Glenna smiled. She had obtained those bands, and if her partner got her way, perhaps they would exchange rings before long. Drew observed those he had known for a year, twelve months since stepping from the portal. Cade was the most visibly altered, even as exhaustion rimmed his weary eyes. But all there seemed changed; was it from where Drew and Cade had traveled, or just witnessing a different way to marry?

Drew wanted to assume that year had changed him, and it had, in parts. He sat beside his lover in a public place, even holding Bill's hand. They laughed together just as Drew had with Tabitha, as if nothing was odd about their togetherness. Drew wasn't sure if they would dance as a couple; he wanted to, they had talked about it extensively. Talked it to death, Drew felt, just as he and Annie had spoken of Cade's small slip. Since returning from vacation, Cade's slumber was erratic. He might go three days without substantial rest, which was how he looked that evening. Annie admitted that Cade hadn't slept for more than a few hours over the last forty-eight, but considering their newlywed status, perhaps he was waiting until that night. After they left the reception, Annie and Cade would sequester themselves for a week. Maybe Cade would sleep for some of it, once the couple had consummated their union.

Cade laughed, but Drew didn't miss dark circles under his eyes, or how those eyes were often closed. Not when saying his vows, but now Cade looked ready to pass out. Then he would brighten; had that been his demeanor in prison? So close to fading away, then dread jerked him back, fearing what would happen once his eyes did shut. They were safe in that room, on that planet, millions of miles from harm, but what lay in their heads might never be stilled. Drew accepted that, feeling sick to his stomach as Bill squeezed his hand.

Nausea came and went every time they stepped out together. Drew forced himself to go shopping with Bill, he had to start putting it behind him. Commuting for work never bothered him, but the men didn't speak. Once in the facility, they embraced openly, as committed as Cade and Annie, Glenna and Connie, Robert and Sharon. Drew gazed at those couples a few tables over, Glenna and Connie sharing squeezes, exactly as the Turners did. Drew looked at Bill, who spoke with Annie's mother across from them. Mara smiled, oblivious to their status. No one here cared, really. They really didn't care at all.

Drew wanted to lean into Bill, but felt sick again. "I'll be right back," he whispered.

Bill nodded, then continued chatting with Mara as Drew walked to the men's room.

In the locked stall he shook, couldn't urinate. Then he stepped to the sinks, splashing his face. The door opened, Cade with a smile. "Need to take a leak."

Drew chuckled, hearing a steady stream. Then Cade joined him. "Having a good time?"

"Yeah. You?"

"Yeah, but I'm so damned tired."

Drew nodded. "Gonna fall asleep right after you hit the sheets."

"Something like that. Better not before or she'll never forgive me." Cade splashed his face, then shook himself. "Drew, you all right?"

"Yeah sure."

Cade laughed. "You gonna dance with Bill?"

Drew inhaled. "It's weird, like I could, I almost could."

"You really can. Who's gonna stop you?"

Drew smiled. "Me, myself, and I."

"God, I know that feeling. That trio's been keeping me up for too damn long."

Drew set his hand on Cade's face. "You'll sleep soon enough."

"I know." Cade leaned against the sink. "She's worried though. Threatening me with Tricin if I don't behave."

"Might not be a bad idea. Just a drop'll do you."

Cade laughed. "No shit. God, less than a drop. Half of one, a quarter."

"Maybe Annie's right. After the honeymoon of course."

"Christ, after the honeymoon I won't be able to walk."

"That's usually the consequences."

They chuckled, heading to the door. Then Cade stopped Drew. "Can I ask you something?"

"Anything."

"How was it, watching that? The ceremony I mean."

"Reminded me of mine."

"I wondered."

"It's okay. I married her with fairly decent intentions, felt that was honest enough."

Cade looked at the floor. "I'm sorry, it's none of my business."

"I wasn't _in love_ with her, but I made those pledges with conviction. Maybe I was just lying to myself."

"Drew, if you can, dance with him tonight."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah, because you love him, because it's right. And because it's a nice big _fuck you_ to where we came from."

Cade looked drunk and Drew smiled, then steadied him as they headed back.

No alcohol was served, but as Drew watched several couples take the floor, he felt loose, relaxed. When Glenna and Connie headed out, Drew took Bill's hand.

Bill hadn't said anything overt or veiled. Now he grasped Drew's fingers, warm and kind. "I love you," Drew mumbled.

"You want to leave?"

"I wanna dance with you. I just don't know if I can."

"Don't worry about it. We'll just sit here and..."

"Drew, you want to dance?"

Annie interrupted with a heady giggle. As Drew nodded, then was lifted from his feet, he didn't look back. Only when Annie spun him around did he see Bill's grin.

"So, are you having a good time?" she asked, sounding tipsy.

"Yes I am." Drew smiled at her giddiness, fueled by the ring which she had toyed with all evening. "And you Annie, are you having fun?"

She giggled again. "I'm really glad Cade was so hard-nosed about all this."

"Annie, have you been drinking?"

She started laughing. "Cade's been asking me that all night. Of course not."

Drew twirled them to the center of the floor. He hadn't danced in ages, it felt liberating, not forced. Then he caught sight of Mara, asking for Bill's company. "Annie, did you and your mother..."

"Drew just shut up will you?"

He smiled as Bill and Mara headed their way.

"Is this all right?" Bill said quietly.

Drew nodded. "Just don't let go of me."

"I won't, I promise."

Their first dance was to fast music, and they hadn't even held hands. Now a slower song wafted through the room, many couples taking advantage of a tender moment. Drew saw the Turners, Glenna and Connie, Mara and Gale. Annie's brothers and their... Not wives, but partners, companions, girlfriends? That sounded juvenile, for all had children. Her youngest brother Garrett had recently become a father, but none of those couples were wed. Drew stared at a variety of ages and relationships, some married, most not. Then he watched Annie and Cade, barely moving. He embraced her as if he had slept just last night, Annie tucked against his shoulder. Drew squinted in the dim light; Annie was crying, Cade whispering in her ear. She kept nodding, then would break into sobs. No one came to her aid, her parents tight against each other. Drew wondered what stirred her tears, anything really, the day, Cade, what was coming. Plenty of sex, then maybe sleep? One of them at least, but Drew really hoped it would be both.

He leaned into Bill, his long hair loose against Drew's face. It hung to the middle of his back, but a few strands had slipped between them. Annie teased he was only letting his grow as some challenge. Her locks were well past her shoulders, she looked so different. Right now she was a mess, and Drew peeked out, hearing her sobs. Cade walked her back to their table, but still they were alone. Mara didn't move from her husband's arms.

"You want to go over there?" Bill asked.

"I do, but I shouldn't."

"You sure?"

Drew looked their way; Annie trembled in Cade's grasp, crying profusely.

"It's okay, we can go over there."

"No, I mean, if he needs something, he'll catch my eye."

Bill nodded, and they stayed where they were. Drew occasionally gazed at Cade, still wrapped around his wife. Annie was calming, huddled against her husband. Supposedly they had been married when Cade first said those vows to her in ordinary conversation. But this day was the formal observance.

Drew watched as Cade stood, pulling Annie to her feet. She wobbled, then leaned into him. What mattered more, some quiet service or standing in front of a crowd; Drew knew which he preferred, wishing for privacy. He looked at Bill, longing to kiss him, touch his face, insinuate deeper desires. But all Drew could manage was to stand close, arms around each other. He didn't feel nauseous, only wistful, looking at Cade, who was coming their way.

Bill released Drew as Annie sniffled. "Hey, I think we're gonna go." Cade smiled, then gripped Annie's shoulder. "Someone's getting tired."

"Time to make hay," Drew grinned.

"What's that mean?" Annie asked, wiping her eyes.

"Means it's time to get things done." Drew hugged her, then kissed her wet cheek. Bill and Cade shook hands, then embraced. Then Drew and Cade stared at each other.

"Have a good night," Drew smiled. "Get some rest while you're at it."

"You too," Cade laughed. He looked at the floor, then back to Drew. "Thanks, you know."

"My pleasure."

Annie began crying and Bill chuckled. "Get her out of here before she floods the room."

Cade nodded, heading to where her parents waited. Drew watched that goodbye, followed by others, all wishing the couple well. The music didn't pause, but Drew no longer wanted to dance. He wanted to be with Bill alone. Cade's presence had been some buffer, but now that was gone.

Bill made their excuses and they caught the bus to their street. A dusky hue hovered, but the evening was warm, what Drew took as late spring. He had spent many of those first months sequestered in the facility, was just learning the seasons. No real winter, just cool nights, which were now warming. As they reached their house Drew felt flush, as if a few beers had been sipped. Maybe it was residual happiness for the newlyweds. Drew hoped that Cade was already asleep.

Maybe they had enjoyed a quickie, Cade going right out. Or maybe Annie was in the process of putting her husband on the other side, another expression Drew had learned. Like getting nailed, and Cade had laughed when they spoke of it, phrases all meaning the same thing. Drew let Bill unlock their door, then he turned around, no one on their heels.

"Drew, you okay?"

"What? Oh yeah, just wanted to see the..." Not a sunset, only the reflection. No rain, no weather, just day after day of similar temperatures. The nights were cooler, but that evening was balmy.

Drew stepped inside, closed the door, locking it. Then he inhaled, feeling secure. He heard Bill getting some water, then found that man staring at him. "Yeah?" Drew asked.

"Are you okay?"

"I'm fine." Drew joined him, getting a drink.

They said nothing, but Drew felt many words waited. He reached for Bill's face, what he had wanted to do all evening. Then he set Bill's cup on the counter, kissing him.

It lasted several minutes, then Bill pulled away. "I was so proud of you tonight. I know what that took and..."

"I don't wanna talk about it."

Bill nodded. He reached for his cup, finished the water, then sighed. "You ready for bed?"

Drew smiled. "Yes I am."

As they made love, Drew wondered if Cade was sleeping yet. Annie might spend a chunk of their honeymoon alone; maybe she would message him, or Bill, killing time. Not what most couples did after saying _I do_ , but Annie might be the only Kezan to speak those words. Then Drew looked at his lover. Would they ever exchange vows and rings? They could, it was completely legal, possible. Drew inhaled, hearing Bill's sighs. They could sleep together, dance together, marry each other. Then Bill came and Drew gripped him. "I love you baby, my God, I love you so much."

Bill nodded, breathless. Then he lay on his back, still gasping. "I love you too."

Drew curled around him. "Bill, I mean it, I really do love you."

"Show me."

Drew smiled, taking Bill's limp hand. Then Bill pulled it away.

"What?" Drew asked.

"Marry me."

"What'd you say?"

Bill sat up slowly, then reached for Drew's astonished face. "Sign your name with mine. Or we can say vows, whatever you want. Drew, that's all I could think about, watching them, then looking at you. I want that with you Drew, I want to get married to you."

"I, we, it's..."

"Perfectly all right. Drew, no, I'm sorry, please..."

Drew stood in the middle of the room, getting dressed. "I can't, I mean..."

Bill leapt from bed, but Drew flinched at his approach. "No, I can't."

"What? Okay, I'm sorry, please Drew, Drew?"

Standing naked and alone, Bill heard the front door slam.

He searched their neighborhood, then caught the number eight bus, but it was late, and he got off near their house. Then he headed to Annie's building.

Drew sat on a curb, knees pulled close. Bill approached him slowly. "You okay?"

The night felt warm to Bill, but Drew shivered. "I can't..."

"Can I?" Bill motioned to the curb and Drew nodded.

They sat in silence for several minutes. Then Drew scooted toward Bill, resting his head on Bill's shoulder. "I do love you," Drew muttered.

With care, Bill reached for Drew's hand, then felt a crushing grip. Under cover of night, near where Annie and Cade lived, Drew offered these notions and Bill wished to grab him tightly, wanted to reach into Drew's head, remove years of abuse. Bill and Glenna had privately spoken of Drew and Cade, both men badly harmed. Drew ignored his turmoil, which Bill now felt slipping from him there on the pavement. "You want to stay here awhile?" he asked.

Drew nodded, clasping Bill's hand even tighter.

Bill's guts ached, wanting to set his arm around this man. Instead he gave small squeezes, then wondered if Drew could feel them. He still trembled, but warmth existed; they sat so near, even in the dark.

The dome shined against the streetlamps, far into the night. By now Cade had to be sleeping, Annie too. Bill wanted to hoist Drew from the ground, walk him home, then fall into some state of rest. Cade needed hours of slumber and Drew needed... Therapy, but insisted he was fine. To Bill, this wasn't fine.

"Thanks for coming after me," Drew muttered.

"Always."

Drew looked at Bill. "Yeah?"

"If you don't mind."

"I'm a pain in the ass."

"But I love you."

Drew smiled and Bill slipped his arm around him. Drew cringed for a second, then nestled into Bill's hold.

They were still seated an hour later, but a few words had been exchanged, most by Drew, rambling about weddings, Cade's and Drew's. That he married Tabitha with honest intentions, in that he wouldn't sleep around. "Bill, I really wanna marry you, I mean..."

"I'm sorry, I never should have..."

"Why not?" Drew sighed. "I wanna make those vows because I do love you. I wanna marry the one I love, the man I love." Drew's voice fell to a whisper. "I love you Bill Dillion. You can't imagine what it's like to say those words, even thinking them feels..."

Drew stood, then looked at the apartment building. "When I stepped into the portal, I thought, here goes nothing. If they kill us, so what? Better than what they'd been doing to Cade for the last year and a half, or me. And if we live, shit. I couldn't really think about that, maybe that's my problem. I'm still back there, stepping into that portal. Cade's still fucked and..."

Bill joined him. "When I watched those seconds tick, I just kept hoping whoever was on the other side would make it. Drew, I just wanted you, whoever you were, to survive."

"I did, I mean, I am."

"By the skin of your teeth."

Drew smiled. "We say that too, so funny, the things we share." Then he looked to the dome. "And the things that are different." Drew gazed at Bill, then peered above. "I miss rain so much, miss walking to my car in that dampness, the humidity." He smiled. "I'd come home and Tabitha would make a big deal out of it, she never understood why I liked it, why it felt so good."

"Why?"

"She thought I was being a kid."

"No, I mean, why couldn't she understand?"

Drew threw up his hands. "I don't know. Maybe that was the part of her that ignored what was wrong. There were things in our marriage that I just couldn't attempt or fake. Maybe that was her subconscious way of telling me she knew something wasn't right."

"Maybe."

"I mean, I couldn't kiss her during sex, it just disgusted me, but I could do it any other time. And I didn't like giving her head. I did it, but maybe she could tell it was half-hearted. But otherwise I did all she asked, didn't do what turned her off." He described acts common between the men. "I never pushed her, I mean, just experimenting, and if she wasn't game, fine, we never did it again. Maybe she never put two and two together and now she looks at it wondering why the hell she didn't figure it out before."

"Maybe she loved you and didn't want to know."

"Maybe." Drew laughed. "She was starting to talk about children, and while that just didn't appeal to me, you know, whatever she wanted." He looked back to the dome. "If I hadn't left, if they hadn't done anything to me, I might be a father right now."

"You don't think, I mean..."

Their eyes met. "She wasn't pregnant when I left. I know that."

Bill nodded.

"No, it's just what's happened against what might've been. Maybe they knew about me, maybe Cade was just a test. See if the skim would bite. I bit all right," he chuckled. "Bit them right in the ass."

Drew rubbed his arms. "That's why I wanna marry you, sign my name besides yours, because here I can. I can but I can't, what the hell does that mean? Means those assholes did their jobs so well, screwing with us even all the way here. Maybe I'll never get away from it, maybe..." He paused. "Maybe coming here was the biggest mistake. Maybe I should've just shoved Cade into that portal and taken my medicine."

"Oh Drew, no..."

"Bill, dancing with you tonight was the most beautiful thing. All I ever wanted to do in high school was dance with a guy that turned me on. Instead I danced with stupid girls that didn't do anything for me. Then tonight, standing next to you, just like I had with my wife; she was a good person, but tonight I got to be just like everyone else, I got to be myself. I don't know who that is except when I'm with you. Or Cade," Drew smiled. "Cade and Annie and you. And Glenna. Robert still makes me nervous."

"Turner has his ways."

"I feel like a walking lab experiment around him, I mean, I don't mind taking drugs, trying out treatments. That's for medical advances, for Cade. Whatever Turner wants to do to help Cade, that's fine. But when he talks to me, just at lunch or gossiping during the day, it's like he's testing me, seeing how I'll respond. That's why they put me with Cade. They must've known, wanted to see what I'd do."

"What you did was the right thing."

"Never thought I'd have to kill two people in the process."

"They would have killed you first."

"Maybe. Maybe that would've been best."

Bill pulled Drew against his chest. "Don't say that. I love you, I..."

"Sometimes it's so hard, I mean, sometimes I just wanna go back, at least there I know my place. I don't here, not in broad daylight outside the facility or your house."

Bill flinched. "Our house Drew, it's ours."

"Yeah, okay, ours. But you do the shopping. Most of the time you still go out alone because I'm too scared to accompany you. What am I scared of, not them, they can't come here. Not others, because yeah, no one really gives a shit if I stand beside you or kiss you or hell, make out with you. But I'm scared out of my fucking mind. Here, right now, it's dark. Everyone's sleeping." He smiled. "I hope to God Cade's sleeping. But it's just you and me and I love you so much, and if it could just be you and me and Cade and Annie at work, all the time, for the rest of my life, I'd say those vows, make you mine."

"To have and to hold from this day forward."

Drew trembled. "Oh my God..."

"For better or worse, in sickness and in health, till death do us part."

"What are you doing?"

Bill took Drew's hands. "It doesn't mean anything for me to say them, not in a binding way. But they count for everything. And if you say them..."

"I can't, I..."

"No one's here, no one will know, it's just for us, right here, right now."

Bill trembled, feeling Drew's cool hands. "Oh my God Bill, I, shit." Drew coughed. "Till death do us part."

Under reflected light the words reverberated. Then Bill leaned forward, laying a kiss on Drew's forehead. Drew nodded and more followed, as Bill's lips landed all over Drew's face. "Till death do us part Drew, that's all I want. No one else has to know, no one else..."

"Monday, I wanna walk there with you."

"Walk where?" Bill asked, holding Drew against him.

Drew pulled back to where Bill could see his wide eyes. "To that building, to sign our names. Then when Annie and Cade get back, they can walk with us to circle them."

"You sure?"

"Not a hundred percent. But let's make that the plan. For tonight."

"For tonight," Bill nodded.

Chapter 12

Holding Annie, Cade gazed at the small, unobtrusive building, which seemed more like a shack. Inside the walls were lined with scrolls from hundreds of years before, names in mostly straight lines. Annie squeezed him, then kissed his cheek. Cade closed his eyes, wondering if they were some of the youngest to have joined those ranks.

"I wish they'd hurry," she murmured.

"You're cute." He nuzzled against her hair, smelling warmth, sex, love. Her hair had lain over him just that morning, but he hadn't fallen asleep, things to do, people to see. Places to go; Kezans didn't use that phrase, but Annie was starting to, what she had said, rousing him from bed.

Cade kissed her hair, near her ear, and she giggled. Then she looked to the open doorway. "Why are they taking so long?"

"It's interesting, I mean, I thought it was pretty cool in there."

She stared at him. "Yeah?"

He nodded. "You realize how much history's in that little hole in the wall? Generations of your people, a marker of time, love, commitment." He smiled. "Well, a good number of committed."

She chuckled. "Committed for life."

"All I want with you baby."

She cuddled into him again and Cade considered when they had accomplished this very action, and how many names remained uncircled. Perhaps a third to half was unlinked, those eight days more than some random length of time. Eight days from writing names to connecting them forever, but some couples hadn't returned to complete the ritual. That had surprised Cade most of all.

Then he smiled as Drew and Bill stepped from the entryway. Annie ran to them, catching Drew in a hug. Cade shook Bill's hand. "Well congratulations. Hooked for life."

"Yeah, pretty amazing." Drew grinned, then reached for Cade. Their embrace wasn't short, and when Drew pulled away, small tears edged his eyes. "It feels so good."

Annie took their hands. "I just love these rings. Glenna say where she got yours?"

"Couldn't get a thing from her," Bill smiled.

"She and Connie will be down here soon enough." Drew took Bill's hand. "We'll make a party of it."

"I think Connie wants a reception," Cade laughed.

"Yeah well, you started it." Annie kissed him, then embraced the newlyweds again. "All right, what's next?"

Bill smiled. "Up to Drew."

Cade didn't look at his friend, his best friend. That Drew had gone in that shed spoke more than any vows. Drew said they were welcome to come over for lunch and Annie said that would be lovely. Bill laughed, hoping they could stop to pick up something to eat. Then Cade gazed at Drew. They exchanged smiles, needed no words.

Bill led them to the bus stop. Cade and Annie followed the new couple, each other's husband. Cade thought it slightly odd, but Drew gripping Bill's hand seemed equally strange. Yet so good, and Cade clasped Annie's. They caught the number eight bus, sitting across from each other as if nothing special had occurred. But Cade felt the planet turn as Drew set a gentle kiss on the back of his husband's hand.

Glenna had supplied the rings, also six bottles of beer. None were opened for the small party at Bill and Drew's. They drank water and coffee, ate a light lunch, then Cade and Annie left, taking those beers with them. Walking the short distance, Cade carried the sack carefully, but small clinks edged their steps. Annie opened the door and Cade set the bag on the counter. Before he would have refrigerated them, now their purpose was changed. Not for enjoyment, but sedation. Cade drank two when sleep eluded.

He drank two beers, then made love to his wife, then slumber fell over him like a tidal wave. Partly from the sex and alcohol, also that by then, Cade hadn't slept in three, slipping to four days. He was on day two, felt fine. He didn't get punchy until the third straight day.

On day three he was silly, sloppy, usually horny. By day three if Annie took care of him right, Cade would sleep for a day, thirty-six hours perhaps. Then it began again, a similar routine to the middle of his imprisonment. He could last three or four days, then would succumb. When he woke, something awful always greeted him, usually bodily functions. Or his body was shaved again, but those times he assumed they had drugged him. They must have to perform that disservice. Waking in excrement was only a result of exhaustion.

He didn't have that problem now, felt it a victory. He might sleep for ages, but he held his waste. Annie stood watch, or Drew and Bill. Those newlyweds wouldn't assist this time, but Cade didn't worry. Annie wasn't just his wife; she was a para. He was her husband and her job, both.

Annie set the beer in the cupboard, her quiet movements reminding him of the last woman he slept with, Ginger, the blonde. Leaving his hotel room, she had ached for him to speak, then opened the door with shaky hands and downcast eyes, one final glance afforded his way. He had turned before she could really look at him, saying nothing. Annie said nothing about his diminishing sleep habits. She also stayed hushed concealing the beer. "Baby, I love you."

She turned and smiled. "I love you too. I am so happy for them."

"Yeah, it's pretty great." He joined her, then brought her close. "Baby, it's just..."

"I know." She ran her hands through his hair. "Let's go to bed."

He nodded, but it wasn't only sex she desired. Maybe he would fall asleep, maybe seeing Drew and Bill together could precipitate some release. Maybe, Cade thought, maybe.

They made love, but he wasn't tired, not bone-dead wasted. He was sleepy; closing his eyes felt good. It felt dreamy; maybe it was her hair on him, Ginger's hair feeling the same. Warm, soft, sensual; Cade barely remembered her, only her long blonde hair, her frightened, fleeting eyes. She was thin, ethereal, some tiny link to his past. She was...

"Cade, you sleepy?"

He shook his head. "Annie, I love you."

She rested near his armpit, her hair across his chest. He stroked the length, just reaching his other side. One day her mane would wrap around him, like Ginger's. But she hadn't snuggled into him, had lain flat, just her hair lying over his body.

She had been... Cade struggled; she wasn't overly passionate, had allowed him to do all he wanted to her. Sexual positions made up for ardor, she was easy to direct, but emotions were completely absent. Was it her status, only a filler, or that he was unreachable. Or maybe...

Maybe Ginger had been homosexual, hiding just like Drew. Adept at screwing around, but it meant nothing to her, not because she was paid and Cade could be anyone, but that a man's body held no significance. Ginger fucked whoever asked, empty, meaningless sex with men. Did whores entertain women? Not where he was from. They slept with man after man, but only made love with their own.

Her hair, it was her hair he coveted, but she could have been anyone. He did prefer blondes, but Annie's short bob hadn't been important, or her large boobs. An oddity that he now craved, but not just during sex; afterwards he lay against them, comforting like a pillow. In prison he had no bedding, only his hands under the side of his head, curled into a fetal ball, trying to maintain some warmth. He had lain nearly naked on an icy, steel floor; who could fall asleep on that?

Not until the body simply couldn't function. Then he shut down, shat himself. Woke in crap and piss, frigid and trembling. They would haul him up, stand him in a usually freezing shower, all the time repeating that phrase: _For God and country Cade. Just say it. Then this will all end._

He had shaken so hard sometimes he fell down, the floor rough and cold. They would pick him up, jerk back his head, shooting ice-cold water directly up his nose and down his throat, shouting that mantra over and over. He would choke, sometimes falling into convulsions. Then the water ceased; he was towel-dried, set into paper-thin briefs. Marched back to his cell, which seemed a little smaller than the last one. Right before his heart attack, it was standing room only, room for three. Cade Walton and two women and one phrase that never ended: _For God and country Cade, for God and country._

"Cade, honey, Cade?"

They never said that, he smiled. Ginger hadn't either, not that he remembered. Stella had called him Walton; all the skims called him Walton, which he had loved. Only his mother called him Cade.

Maybe he resisted because of his dad, authority figures trying to make him do this or that. His father always bitched at him: _You're fucking up your life Cade, screwing around with this acting bullshit._ Then Cade got good at it, and his dad griped about his whoring around and other irresponsible behaviors. But he had never been arrested until he finally stood up for something important. What did Harlan Walton think of him now?

"Cade honey, oh Cade, please no, Cade!"

His father never spoke that way, just bitching and griping. That sounded more like his mother, but her tone wasn't that... It was worried, but maternal, a step away.

"What Mom, what?"

"Cade, oh Cade, please, can you open your eyes?"

They never asked him to do that; the whole point was to push him so far that he was the one begging to stay awake. They had fostered such horror that Cade knew better than to fall asleep. If he fell asleep...

"CADE!"

"Huh, what?"

He opened his eyes, saw Drew sitting next to him.

"What uh, what happened?"

Annie sat on his other side. She sported a bloody lip and he trembled. "Annie, baby what happened? Drew, what's going on?"

Cade sat up, felt nauseous. He looked at his hands, blood on his right knuckles. "Oh fuck!"

"It's all right Cade, it's okay now," Drew said softly. "Do you remember anything?"

"We were laying here. Annie, what'd I do baby, oh Christ, I didn't hurt you, did I?"

She shook her head, then began to cry. He reached for her, then backed away, then lunged and she wrapped around him, her hair falling over his back.

A special transport vehicle took Cade to the facility where he was admitted under Drew and Robert's care. Annie stated he had hit her, but he wasn't aware, had no idea. When she called Drew, Cade was shaking in bed, in a fugue state. At the facility, he wasn't sedated, but kept on fluids. Annie's injuries were treated, just the split lip and small contusions. They had been lying together when he suddenly lashed out, no warning given.

He had been up for two and a half days, hadn't drank any beer. They had made love, but something had provoked his outburst. Cade only recalled Ginger, he had been thinking about Ginger. Then he nearly jumped from bed, ripping the IV from his arm. "I was thinking about prison!"

Drew nodded, looking at his wedding ring. Less than a day it had sat on his finger; they exchanged those bands right after circling their names. Then stepping into the light, which had blinded Drew for seconds, until Annie blocked the sun. She sat next to him now as Sharon held Cade down while an injection was administered, a new form of Tricin that Robert had been developing. Drew had tested it two weeks ago, knocking him out for only six hours. What it would do to Cade was unknown, but unconsciousness was better now, no matter the length.

Cade thrashed, calling for Annie, who gripped Drew's hand. Then Cade was silent, the IV replaced. Annie released Drew, walking to the bed. Drew followed, standing at her side.

"He had no idea what he was doing," she whispered.

Drew believed that, then wondered exactly what Cade had recalled to set him off. "Annie, I think he needs to come back for a while."

She nodded. "He won't like it but..."

"He'll do it." Drew tipped her face to his. "For you, he'll do anything."

"I know, oh Drew, I know."

Over dinner, Annie told both Drew and Bill about her father's illness and violent behavior. Her voice was resigned, then she gave a bitter chuckle. "I never imagined I'd be in the same position as my mother. I was never going to let that happen to me."

"Can you remember anything either of you might have said or done?"

She sighed. "I was just lying next to him, my hair was over his chest. I asked if he was tired, he said he loved me. Then I thought he was going to sleep, he was so still. Then he flung me away, his face so angry, defiant. He threw the punch, then began beating his fists into the bed. That's when I called you guys."

"Did he say anything at all?"

She nodded, then wiped her face. "Kept repeating _for god and country_. That's what he said they screamed at him, and he was screaming it into the bed, oh what did they do to him?"

Drew pulled her close, tears pouring down her cheeks. He kissed her head, then nodded to Bill. "Annie, why don't you have some Tricin? You need some sleep and..."

She jerked away. "I wanna be there when he wakes."

"Turner and Burroughs would prefer that you're not."

She stared at Bill. "And why's that?"

"Cade might need some time to get his head clear."

She shook. "Oh not now, not now!"

Drew smoothed her hair. He wasn't sure what else Cade needed, intensive therapy at least, perhaps a full-time return to the facility. Annie could stay in her old room, but Cade needed a complete physical and psychological evaluation. Annie could use some listening ears as well.

She stood, clutching her torso. "I need him, oh Bill, Drew, he doesn't even know yet and..."

Drew stood, watching how she gripped her abdomen. "You're pregnant, aren't you?"

Eyes bugged from her face, then her head dropped.

"Oh Annie, really?"

She glanced at Drew, then to Bill. "I haven't told him. I'm not entirely sure, but it's been two months and..."

Drew caressed her face. "But you think..."

She nodded. "I didn't want to tell him yet. He's been sleeping so poorly and I wasn't completely certain."

"Let's test, make sure." Bill joined them, then took a weeping woman in his arms. Drew added his frame, wondering what this culture thought of abortion.

He learned from Glenna that terminations were administered only to save a woman's life. Rape or assault weren't often mitigating factors, nor were abnormalities. Turner tested Annie's blood, then found a mass in her uterus. She was roughly nine weeks into a forty-eight-week gestation. Kezan women had eleven-month confinements, but the baby was only half-Kezan. Robert wanted to call in a specialist and Glenna wrote the request. Then all sat with Annie in Glenna's office. "We want to keep you here to monitor your condition and..."

Annie nodded. "I want to be the one to tell him."

"Morse, it might be better if..."

"Burroughs, I'm his wife, no matter what."

Annie stood, then looked at each person. "I know what he did wasn't right, I'm not condoning his actions in the slightest. But those actions stem from extreme persecution. This baby comes from just the opposite and I want him to know that, from me. That I love him, forgive him, don't blame him. I don't blame him for anything."

Drew wondered if Turner and Glenna knew about Annie's father. Turner snorted, then crossed his arms. Glenna stood, then wrapped Annie close. "You know we don't hold Cade accountable for his actions, not in a criminal manner."

Turner sighed, then stood, stepping close to Glenna, but not embracing Annie. "It's your baby. Hopefully the new Tricin will knock some sense into him."

Annie pulled from Glenna. "I just hope it doesn't kill him, all right?"

"No promises," Turner huffed.

Drew came their way. "Annie, I'd like to be there, if that's all right."

She nodded, then looked at Bill. "Do you?"

"Uh, if you want."

Drew looked at his... husband. Then he watched Bill twirl his wedding ring. Bill nodded, then moved their way, setting arms around Drew, but Bill's bearing hesitated.

Annie didn't notice, again crying in Glenna's arms.

To Turner's displeasure, Cade hadn't stirred after eighteen hours. The altered Tricin seemed to carry the same effects, but the extra time allowed Annie to rest. Drew sat with her until she was asleep. Then he wandered the main floor until he found Bill, speaking with Glenna in her office. Drew didn't disturb them, but Bill emerged within minutes, a weary sigh along with slow steps. "What?" Drew asked.

"Let's get some dinner."

In the back of the cafeteria Drew watched as Bill picked, then took a few bites. Drew sipped water, wasn't hungry. He had prayed at Annie's bedside, random offerings for her and the baby, for Cade, then for the man across. "Are you all right?"

"She shouldn't have it."

"Why not?"

Bill set down his fork. "I don't know, I just don't have a good feeling about it."

"But abortion isn't usually an option. Why now?"

Bill looked into the room, then leaned close. "It's the last thing they need."

"I agree. But maybe it's also the best thing."

"Why?"

"It'll give Cade something to focus on, Annie too. He's not going anywhere for a while. Maybe it'll make this confinement easier to swallow."

Bill shrugged. "Going to be a long nine months."

Drew smiled. "That's all we're used to."

"Yeah, I guess so. But she's known for a while, didn't tell him. What does that say?"

"They were getting married, then we did." Drew fiddled with his ring. "Maybe the timing didn't seem best."

"Or she knew something was coming. Drew, don't get me wrong. I don't believe a termination is right, I'm not for it at all. But in this instance..."

"It's a life, Bill." Drew sighed. "Maybe it won't make it."

"That's possible. I know Turner's torn."

Drew felt small disgust. "He only sees the medical side."

Bill stared at Drew. "You've told me you didn't want kids with your wife. Why does this mean so much to you?"

Drew inhaled. "I believe there's something after this life, and hell's one option. Cade's already suffered that. Maybe a child with Annie will..."

"Make up for it, ease him? Drew, he could have killed her."

"But he didn't. Bill, you have no idea."

Drew reached across, taking Bill's hands. The grasp was immediately reciprocated. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean..."

"We have no idea what's gonna happen. All we can do is wait and see," Drew said.

"And you're going to pray."

Drew nodded. "I already have."

Bill and Drew napped while Annie did, then those three sat with Cade as he began to stir. Annie held his hand, told him he was safe, just as before. "It's all right. No one's going to hurt you."

Cade shook, then opened his eyes. "Hey Annie, hey." He smiled, then looked at Drew and Bill. "The whole gang huh, Christ. Guess I'm back to the drawing board."

Cade's teasing demeanor lasted until Annie gripped his hands. "Annie, baby, you all right?"

She nodded, blinking tears. Cade's smile slipped to a look of dread. "Oh Jesus Christ Annie, oh my God no..."

She fought to maintain possession, but he jerked from her, then looked at his circumstances. An IV snaked under his gown, he was catheterized. "Oh fuck!"

"Cade, I love you, you didn't mean it, oh Cade..."

He began to weep and Annie did too. Bill attended her as Drew pulled Cade close. "You weren't yourself. You had no control..."

"I hit her! I beat her up, Jesus fucking Christ!"

"Cade, it wasn't you." Drew looked at Annie, sobbing in Bill's arms.

Cade pulled away, setting hands over his face. Then he reached for the chest tube. "Just take it out, put me outta my misery!"

"No," Annie shouted, grabbing his hands. "I love you!"

He stared at her. "How in the fuck can you stand to sit next to me?"

Annie placed his hands on her torso. "I'm pregnant. I love you and I'm having our baby."

Cade shivered. "No, oh Annie no..."

"I'm not having a termination. Turner's called in a specialist. For the baby, and you too."

"Annie, oh God, I'm sorry, I am so fucking sorry!"

He collapsed in her lap, offering apologies, as Annie stroked his head.

Hours later, Cade and Drew sat across from each other in the back of the cafeteria. They were alone, the middle of the night, Annie and Bill both asleep. Cade picked at his food exactly as Bill had done, discussing the same situation. "She shouldn't keep it," Cade said again. "I wonder why they don't believe in abortion."

"She loves you, and I have no idea why." Drew had asked Glenna, but it was like asking why they didn't discriminate, only inherent customs with no particular guiding force, but an odd juxtaposition to the newcomers. "Cade, what do you remember?"

"I was in the shower, so damned fucking cold." He took a bite, chewing slowly. "Never warm water, took longer to get the shit off me." His laugh was bitter. "Just kept pouring water all over me, then down my throat, right at my face. Sometimes I couldn't breathe."

"Waterboarding," Drew sighed.

"What?"

"A method of torture. Some gays had been subjected to the same."

"Waterboarding huh, what-the-fuck-ever." Cade pushed his plate away. "I was thinking about that and took it out on Annie. Jesus Christ, she's not safe with me. Not her or a baby."

"The baby's fine Cade."

"Yeah? Doesn't have two heads or anything?"

Drew smiled. "Not that we could see."

Cade looked up. "You saw it?"

"Just a mass of cells. There's something inside her."

Cade leaned back. "She really shouldn't keep it. God only knows what it'll turn out like."

"If it's a girl, she'll be as gorgeous as her mother."

Cade smiled. "You find Annie attractive?"

"I like long hair," Drew chuckled.

"I do too. Shit, that's what else I was dreaming about, the last woman I slept with. She had really long blonde hair, was so skinny. I think she was gay."

"Really?"

"I paid for her services. Paid for most of the women I slept with. I did all sorts of things with them, but she was..." Cade sighed. "Not frigid, but not interested, until the end. She wanted to stay, wanted me to speak to her. Maybe she wanted to be with me, hide behind me, shit, I have no fucking idea." He toyed with the fork, then threw it into his plate. The rattle was loud in the vacant room.

"I fucked her, then sent her away. But I was thinking about her hair, so warm and long." He smiled. "Bill's hair is pretty damned long."

Drew nodded. "How did you go from that woman to being in the shower?"

"I was thinking how soft Annie is, her breasts, Christ, she's got the best tits. Then how skinny Ginger was, her name was Ginger. Then I was on the floor, nothing over me, just shit. I was covered in my own excrement, then being waterboarded in the goddamn shower!"

Cade banged his fists into the table, but Drew caught them. "Keep talking Cade."

Their eyes met. "They just kept screaming, telling me to recant, give in for fucking God and country, like that was all that mattered. I didn't matter, you didn't matter, Ginger didn't fucking matter, not to me or them or anyone. But here, we matter Drew. They don't hate homosexuals, they don't believe in abortion." Cade laughed, gripping Drew's hands. "What kind of fucking sense does that make? They want me to see a specialist, for what goddamn good? What in the fuck do I matter to anyone?"

"Annie loves you and I do too." Drew's knees went weak. "Maybe we'll never understand it, it makes absolutely no sense except that we're here, someone made sure we got through the stream alive. Now, for better or worse, Annie's having your baby. Maybe it won't work out, but maybe it'll be all right. Maybe Annie and you and the baby will be just fine."

"You really think that?"

"I married Bill, how much crazier does it get?"

"I dunno." Cade looked at their clasped hands, then into Drew's eyes. "Do you, I mean, really love me?"

"Just like a brother."

"I never had any brothers. Or sisters."

"Now you do."

Cade nodded, then trembled. Drew moved to the empty chair beside him, then grabbed a broken man. "It'll be all right Cade, you're not alone anymore. We're not alone here and it's gonna be all right."

Chapter 13

Sitting beside Annie, Cade cleared his throat. This was the first time they met together with the specialist, Dr. Felicity Morgan, a psychiatrist. She went by Dr. Morgan, which slipped easily from his tongue. Annie had more trouble addressing her.

Annie shook as Cade spoke about his imprisonment and his feelings toward their baby. He said exactly what he felt, which remained as he had told Drew over a month ago. Cade still thought Annie should get rid of it. He gripped her hand, wasn't sure if it eased her, but he was warmed by her presence. Annie had asked to sit in on this session, had told him not to hold back. Cade wondered if she regretted that wish, but he stared at Dr. Morgan, who typed on her tablet. Then she gazed at him.

"Yeah?" he asked.

Dr. Morgan smiled, then set down the device. "Annie, how do you feel?"

"About what?"

"About Cade not wanting the baby." Dr. Morgan leaned forward. "I assume this isn't the first time he's spoken about that."

"No, it's not. I uh..."

Cade knew a ferocious grasp of his left fingers. "Annie and I have talked this over Dr. Morgan."

"Alone, without anyone else. Annie, part of Cade's treatment is releasing as much turmoil as he can. This includes the baby." The doctor picked up the tablet, then tapped it twice. She looked over notes, then stared at the couple. "Can you share your reactions to that?"

Cade sighed. For over twenty minutes he had spoken about being waterboarded, a term Drew used once, now added to the Kezan lexicon. It hadn't occurred often, and Cade wasn't sure if it was more frightening than falling asleep, or sitting next to his wife, watching her cry. Cade wriggled from her grip, then her face fell into her hands.

"Oh baby!" He knelt beside her, stroking her hair. "Annie, shit honey I'm sorry, God, I am so sorry!"

"Cade, move away from her please. Annie, do you understand why he feels this way?"

Cade slumped in his chair as Annie's head moved up, then down. She wiped her eyes with a tissue the doctor offered. Then she looked at him. "I know, I really do. But what you don't understand is that, that..."

"What Annie?" Dr. Morgan asked quietly.

She sniffled, then blew her nose, gazing at the doctor. "That maybe this child is all we'll have, that I know what he really wants." She reached for Cade's hands. "You want to sleep and never wake up again."

Cade shivered. "No I, Annie, no honey, I..."

"You do. When you're so close, but we both know you're not going to fall asleep, it's all you want, all he wants," she said to the doctor, still holding Cade's trembling hands.

Annie cleared her throat. "It's all he wants, and I understand that. Which is why this baby means so much to me, because I just don't know what's going to happen to us." She looked at Cade. "My mother felt the same with my dad before they signed their names. Sometimes she wasn't sure if she could stay with him, not because he hurt her before, but his guilt, that shame. It took ages for that to lessen, and now I look at him and wonder if he still carries it. I see it all over you Cade, but I love you, and this baby, oh honey, our baby means everything to me. It means you survived, you made it. After all they did to you, they didn't take this away."

He hadn't breathed a word of this to her, but maybe married couples could know each other's minds as well as bodies. Cade nodded, despite himself.

"And it's all right that you feel this way, it's perfectly understandable. I don't hold it against you, but at the same time, I need this piece of you. They, they..." Annie stroked his face. "They damaged some part of you that we may never recover. But right now you're here and we have this, I have this." She placed her hand on her torso. "I know you're not pleased with it, but..."

Her absent hand left his face cold. He stared to where her palm had moved, then felt a searing ache in his heart. "Annie, I just..."

She met his gaze. "You don't want to commit to it. My father didn't want to marry my mother for years, worried that perhaps he would hurt her again. The day they circled their names, my brothers and I stood outside waiting. I was surprised they even made it back there, but Dad led her into the building. It took him a long time, but they did it. She'll probably outlive him. Maybe I'll outlive you, but they can't take this from us, they can't touch this part of you."

He closed his eyes, then swallowed. Annie's breaths were solid, she inhaled not only for herself, but also for him, some distant, detached part that Cade couldn't contact, no one could. When he opened his eyes, she smiled at him. "Honey, whatever we share, how long we have, this child will remain. You said you came here for me, you said I was worth it all. I didn't believe you until now. Having your baby means everything to me; it means you survived, you and Drew both. This child stands for more than just us, it's bigger than that. But it's also the purest part of you, the facet they never imagined."

"Are you sure?" he asked her.

"About what?"

"About being able to, to..." To do this alone, he wanted to say.

She nodded. "I love you. There are no guarantees. We might lose this baby and..."

He shook his head, then buried it in her lap. "Oh my God, don't say that!"

Fear hit him as before, when sleep was so close but not desired, but suddenly their child mattered. He looked up, trying to inhale, as if breathing for a baby which moments ago meant nothing. Cade wanted to ask Drew how he made the decision to flee, was it that instantaneous, as if a switch was flipped.

Annie caressed his face, then nodded. "All I know is that since you broke down, since we learned about the baby, I don't worry about losing you. I use to, I wondered if we would last, if we'd be like my parents, or maybe..." She coughed, then kissed his forehead. "But I hadn't admitted it to myself, I tried to ignore it."

"The elephant in the room," he mumbled.

"The what?" Dr. Morgan asked.

Cade smiled, then shyly placed his hand on Annie's body. "Something no one wants to see, but you can't miss it."

"What is an elephant?" Dr. Morgan said.

He turned to her, leaving his hand on his wife. "A huge animal, bigger than this room."

"Really?"

"Really. They live in the wild, or in zoos." He looked to Annie. "Are there zoos here?"

She shook her head, setting her other hand on his. "But I went to one when I was a kid, a field trip off planet."

Cade nodded, then looked to where his hand rested. "I can't promise you anything..."

"You don't have to."

He stared at her. "Are you sure?"

"They can't take this from us. They will never take this from us Cade."

He wept as she spoke, wondering what mattered more, their baby or that freedom. He wasn't sure later that night, falling asleep in her arms.

Cade slept for two days, during which time Annie met with Dr. Morgan. She also saw para Hannah Saperstein, one of Robert's former colleagues. Saperstein, as she was called, took internal scans of the growing fetus, testing the mother's blood. Drew stood with Annie during these procedures, all of which pointed to a normal Kezan baby. Turner wondered if it would have an appendix like its father, but Drew also saw remorse on Robert's face. Saperstein wasn't the reason, but Dr. Felicity Morgan.

Drew said nothing, not wishing to cause Annie more trauma. She was thrilled for the good news about the baby, but Cade's diminishing condition weighed in her reflective blue eyes. He should be present for these exams; instead Drew held Annie's hand, whispering in her ear. He never mentioned that perhaps Dr. Morgan should have been summoned when Cade was first being treated. Turner hadn't requested her presence, but then neither had Glenna. Maybe they felt Cade wasn't so troubled, maybe they had assumed he would shake off the eighteen months of imprisonment. Now he was sleeping unaided, a blessing. But as Annie received the all-clear, Drew worried. The baby was fine. Its father was an unknown.

Sitting across from Annie in the busy cafeteria, their words were general pleasure for a healthy fetus, a quieter joy for Cade's unconscious state. Then Annie smiled. "Thanks."

He nodded, then squeezed her hand. "Whatever happens..."

"I don't know anymore, I mean, but at least he's happy about the baby."

"I think he really is."

She giggled. "I know he is. He can't lie to me and the last thing he said..."

"Yes?" Drew smiled.

"He was just starting to drift off. I wasn't sure if he'd just nap or maybe..." She took a bite, chewed it, then looked at Drew. "Sometimes I can tell if he's going to really sleep, but not always. Anyway, he was just lying there, I was stroking his head. He smiled, then said he couldn't wait to feel it. He hasn't said anything about it, but he moved his head to my belly." She gave a shy chuckle. "He always falls asleep on my chest, but this time he went to the baby. Our baby," she choked. "Drew, no matter what, I will always have that memory."

Her voice trembled and Drew clasped both of her hands. "I really believe he'll pull through this. It's not gonna be simple, maybe he'll be here, under Dr. Morgan's care, for a long time. What he endured..."

She nodded. "I've accepted that our child will probably grow up here, and Drew, that's fine, it really is. That doesn't bother me, not now."

She smiled, then took back her right hand, wiping her face. "When he used to tell me I was worth everything, I flinched. I didn't want to be some measure of his suffering. But now I'm doing the same to this little one, which isn't fair. But he was right. Sometimes there are reasons. Maybe that's trite or irrational but..."

Drew shuddered, then reached for her hand. "I look at Bill and think, how, why, but I can't ask those questions. All I can do is accept where I am, where Cade is, you, the baby, my husband." Drew sighed, then chuckled. "You and Bill, now this baby, the three of you are worth more than Cade and I could ever tell you."

"You don't need to say it. Now I know." Then she looked up, her face a smile.

Drew looked back as Annie stood, running to her husband approaching on Bill's strong arm.

In bed, Drew and Bill spoke of their friends, then of their own marriage. Bill reveled in their status, which hadn't required any more than privately spoken vows, then names signed and circled. As Bill fell asleep, Drew stroked his husband's long dark hair. Then Drew turned to his right, feeling Bill curl around him, barely awake. Bill's breathing was deep and rhythmic. Yet Drew wasn't at all tired.

Cade had stirred with a new outlook, speaking only of his and Annie's coming child. That forty-eight-hour slumber had been Cade's longest unconscious period in months, but he and Annie would live at the facility for the duration of her pregnancy, remaining there until Cade was well enough to leave, perhaps taking years. Drew couldn't fathom what Annie hinted, what even Cade alluded to; Cade's life was too precious to end, especially by his own hand.

As Bill relaxed more fully, Drew pondered that sleeping state, one he and Bill fell into, together, every evening. They made love, then said goodnight. Usually Drew slept on his right side, Bill wrapped close. Sometimes Bill went to his left, but often they stayed in these positions, Bill's hair falling over Drew. Bill had stopped braiding it before bed, Drew preferring that mane as cover. Not necessarily to conceal, although Drew still couldn't hold Bill's hand once they had stepped on the train for home. Outside the facility, sometimes Drew acted on his deepest longings; he did go shopping with Bill now, but kept his distance within the store, or on the bus. He couldn't lean into him, rest his head on his husband's shoulder. He watched other same-sex couples do it, young and old. Drew wasn't sure why or for how long his hesitation would last. Perhaps like Cade, Drew would never reconcile himself to acceptance.

Yet, he hadn't suffered what Cade did. Drew left work at the end of his shift, Bill at his side. They went home together, slept in the same bed every night. Drew removed his fingers from Bill's hair, similar to Tabitha's but thicker, darker. More precious, like gold. Drew smiled, feeling sleep right at the edge. He never had trouble sleeping with his wife, but lately, slumber had teased. It was due to Cade, Cade and Annie and their baby. Sometimes Cade seemed ethereal, at others permanent. The baby was well, maybe that bolstered him.

Drew shivered, but Bill didn't move. He was deeply sleeping, how Cade had been for two entire days. Then he had stirred, peed in a urinal, asking about the baby, what Bill relayed as Annie gripped her husband in the cafeteria. Glenna offered confirmation; Cade had awoken clean, on his own power, asking about his child. When Drew and Bill left the facility, Annie and Cade were talking about names, the first time Cade had spoken of the baby with joy.

Drew felt no longing to procreate, but was pleased Cade had accepted Annie's baby. For those two days, Drew considered Annie the sole parent. Her bliss at every positive test result rang through Drew, as if celebrating on Cade's silent behalf. Now they could share their baby, half Kezan and half... Drew shut his eyes tight. Cade wasn't Kezan, but the baby would be. They appeared similar, all but the appendix Drew and Cade owned and the gorge, what Kezans sported just off their stomachs. Maybe Annie's baby would have one of each, or neither. Robert couldn't wait to see scans when the fetus reached five months' gestation. Those features would be present then, as well as gender. Annie wanted to know that, didn't care at all about useless organs, Kezan or otherwise. She let slip during the exam that she preferred a daughter. She wanted a baby girl.

No particular reason, but once she said it, Drew nodded. A son might be too close to his troubled father, or perhaps she considered raising her child alone and a daughter would be easier. Since Cade's breakdown Annie held no illusions. She had married an injured, precarious man. As Bill turned onto his back, Drew accepted his husband had done the very same.

They rarely went out together, living a cloistered, invisible life. Drew's breath grew short thinking about it, then Bill moved to his left, began snoring. Drew wanted to follow, but remained on his right. He stayed apart from the man he loved, even in their bed. Drew tried lying flat, but that was impossible. As Bill's drones increased, Drew felt cold. At least Cade admitted his uncertain future. Drew pretended everything was fine.

Turner expressed his latent apologies for not requesting Dr. Morgan sooner. Annie hadn't voiced her displeasure, too enraptured with her growing fetus. Drew had felt Turner's guilt as he carefully helped Annie from the exam table, sharing her giddiness in a baby that seemed determined to survive. Their species weren't identical, but close enough. Annie and Cade's baby would probably go to term.

But not the nine months Drew was accustomed to; Annie was nearly four months along, had seven remaining. In six weeks the gender could be noted, but Cade and Annie had spoken of male names as well as female. Cade didn't care if it was a boy or girl, and in sharing the names, Annie was only thrilled that she could talk about it with her husband. Cade was awake and excited to be an expectant father.

Drew lay flat, then looked at Bill's back. His exposed shoulder teased, but instead of touching him, Drew held his hands under the comforter. He had never wanted to caress his wife, but had done so to cement his position. Now it wasn't necessary, yet Drew resisted. He didn't want to disturb Bill, but they were married, wasn't that the point? Drew wasn't sure what meant more, saying that one vow as Bill spoke the rest, or circling their names alongside so many others. But not everyone made it back for that final step. Drew had, in the open, fully exposed. But under darkness he was afraid to touch Bill, scared to bother him. That was absurd, and Drew pulled his hand from under the cover.

He dangled it in the air. His left hand, with a ring attached; what did that mean? It meant they were married, it meant... nothing to Kezans. It meant everything to Bill, who wore his band with pride. Cade and Annie understood the implication, but Drew stared at that hand, which over a year ago sported a different commitment. Stepping into the portal with Cade in his arms, Drew had broken an empty declaration. Cade's life meant more than Tabitha; it meant Drew's own freedom.

Slipping from bed, Drew stepped to his dresser, opening his top right drawer. In the back, behind underwear and socks, he retrieved a small box, then stared at it. Inside was Drew's other wedding ring, his wallet and keys, what had rested in his pockets after he killed two people, then entered the portal, unsure of everything. As Bill snored, Drew gazed at the box, visible in the darkness. Then he opened the lid, but contents were concealed.

He didn't need to look at them, knew those pieces like he recalled the gay soldier's wide, terrified eyes. Drew had clubbed him, then shot two others in very cool blood, which spilled from their lifeless bodies as the other soldier loaded the coordinates. Maybe he was gay too, but mostly he was too frightened to do anything else; had he stood sentinel, making sure Drew and Cade reached their destination? Perhaps, but others had approached, firing at the portal as it entered the stream. They could have easily moved that young man aside, stopped the transfer. But someone had insisted.

Drew closed the box, shoving it to the back, then shut the drawer. Bill snored as if carefree. Drew felt anything but. He wanted to know who had engineered their safe passage, wondered if Cade would survive. The baby probably would, but what about its father?

Looking into the dark mirror, Drew saw short hair, an oval face. Bill had touched him just as Drew stepped from the portal. This man had been waiting, as Annie had, on the other side of the galaxy, through miles and miles of space that Drew and Cade had survived; they had made it. Drew laid his right hand where Bill's had fallen, then he peered in the mirror. Bill sat up, looking at him. "Honey, are you all right?"

Drew turned around. "Why'd you touch me?"

"Come back to bed Drew."

His steps were slow, then Drew sat on the edge of the mattress. "Why?"

"Because I needed to make sure you'd really made it through. What's wrong?"

"I couldn't sleep. Was thinking about Annie and Cade and the baby. Bill, you turned to your left but I couldn't go to you. I wanted to, but I just lay there. I still can't reach out for you."

"It's going to take time. You can't do anymore than what's comfortable."

The room felt empty, then Drew stared back at the dresser. "I keep things in there, my keys, wallet, my, my..."

"I know. That's okay too."

Drew turned to Bill. "Have you gone through it?"

"No, but when you moved in, a small box sat on the dresser for a long time. I assumed..."

"My wedding ring," Drew began, then looked at his left hand. "I should just throw it away."

"Whatever you want, however you want to do this."

"I don't know why I kept it, it's worthless now."

"It meant your life Drew. If you don't want it, give it to me."

"Why?"

Bill reached for Drew's jaw, lingering there, then Bill stroked Drew's chest. "Marrying her kept you alive. The circumstances were abysmal, but you survived. That's why I touched you, because you had survived. Tabitha played a part, whoever made sure the stream wasn't broken did too. We'll never know who that was, but your wife facilitated your presence, your existence. You're here because of that ring."

Small shivers traveled up and down Drew's spine. "Is Cade still here because of the baby?"

"What?"

"You heard me. Is Cade still here because of the baby?"

Bill sighed. "I don't know."

"If Annie hadn't told him she was pregnant, I don't know if he'd be alive."

"Drew, that doesn't have anything to do with..."

"Bill, truthfully, what does any of this mean, me here, Cade there, Annie pregnant..."

"I love you. What about me in this?"

Drew bit his lower lip. "I can't go out with you, I can't even touch you here in our room."

"I was sleeping. You didn't want to wake me."

"I woke her, I bothered her..."

"Because you had to. But you don't have to do that here. I don't expect that from you."

Drew stood from the bed. "Well, what in the hell do you expect?" He turned from Bill, walking back to the dresser, staring at the closed drawer.

Then a warm hand rested on Drew's left shoulder. "All I want is this, us together, however it occurs. I know you're doing all you can. Honey, maybe you should see Dr. Morgan. She's here and..."

"I don't need a fucking shrink!"

Drew pulled away, then glared at Bill. "Cade's the one who's royally screwed up. If Turner had called this woman right off the bat, then maybe Cade wouldn't be contemplating suicide."

Bill stepped close. "And what about you Drew? What are you thinking about?"

"What are you talking about? This's about Cade, this's about..."

"This is about what you suffered, what you're still suffering. You don't consider what you endured on par with Cade's imprisonment, but all your adult, sexual life you had to lie to yourself, to your family. You slept with someone you didn't love. The cumulative effects of that are just as devastating as what happened to Cade."

"That's bullshit!"

"It's the truth. Yes I wish Turner and Burroughs would have called in Dr. Morgan earlier, for you and Cade both. I have no idea if he's going to get over this, maybe he won't. But I'm not married to him, I married you and you're just in denial all over again, pretending..."

"Shut up! Just shut up!"

Drew ripped the drawer from the bureau. Pulling the box loose, he flung it against the wall. Then he stepped into his jeans hanging over a chair, put on a jacket, and fled downstairs. Bill dressed, then went after him.

Chapter 14

In their room, Cade watched Annie sleep. She had gone out with little trouble, and he wondered if the baby was why. The baby as well as lovemaking; Cade smiled, then moved from her side.

He sat near her, long blonde hair spilled over his pillows and the comforter, one she brought from home. They slept at the facility, but she had added personal touches that stirred Cade's memories. Thinking about living at her apartment, as if he was an ordinary Kezan citizen; he wasn't any such thing, and dwelling here again was comforting. Here he didn't have to pretend he was like everyone else. He was fucked-up, he smiled, as she began to snore.

Cade stood. Now that she was deeply asleep, he could put on pants, a shirt, his slippers. Sometimes he wore shoes, but he was a patient, would be for a long time. He spoke with Dr. Morgan in these clothes, causal but permanent. As an inpatient, he could schlep around in pajamas; what difference did it make what he wore? He wasn't getting out for a long time.

After dinner, if Annie was with him, Cade's security camera was turned off. Otherwise a small red light blared just under the lens. During the day he was observed from several angles if unaccompanied. If Annie was present, their privacy was respected, but if she chose to sleep in her old room, or had gone home, the red light spoke of watchful company. Cade had no issues, not after being imprisoned for a year and a half. But he was thankful for the moments he and Annie shared alone.

He smiled; they weren't completely alone. The baby touched everything they did, and Annie wasn't even showing. She exhibited fatigue during the day, an added sexual intensity at night, or wherever they found a quiet spot. Otherwise they waited until after dinner, then retired to Cade's room. Once Annie had been detected by the security camera, the red light faded. Then the couple celebrated all that mattered. The baby finally meant something to its father.

Cade wanted to tell Annie he loved her and their child. Instead he blew both a kiss and stepped from the room.

He loitered along the hallway, nodding to a few night staff. The cafeteria was closed, but Cade wasn't hungry. He wasn't tired either, those two days' slumber sitting in his veins alongside memories that he didn't wish to consider, not with the baby wedged in his heart. He hadn't wanted that child intruding, but he had dreamed of it, sometimes a boy, occasionally the girl Annie wanted. Cade didn't care about the gender, but could ponder that uninjured part of himself. Annie held some piece no one could harm.

Dim lights guided his footsteps; Cade wound back to the immediate care center, but rooms were empty. He spoke with Sharon for ten minutes, mindless gossip that brought smiles. Then she was called to the main desk, and Cade ambled away. He was a patient, but certain privileges allowed his nighttime sojourns, few areas off limits. Private offices were inaccessible, otherwise he had the entire floor at his disposal.

Usually he wandered in circles, making his way back to where Annie slept. She slept in his room now that he was conscious, but her old space upstairs remained. He never approached that area, no reason. Everything he needed was on the first floor, paras and officials. But Glenna and Bill and Robert were gone, as was Drew. Cade wandered toward the back of the space, where the portal stood. He chatted with the guards, friendly banter that lasted another ten minutes. Then they answered their mobiles. Cade went to leave, but hearing Drew's name, he turned back.

"Right, okay. Well, if he comes this way, we'll let you know." The woman tapped her device, then gazed at Cade. "You catch that?"

He nodded. "What's up?"

She sighed, then looked behind her to a dark corridor. "Dillion's reported that Clemmons has gone missing. They just wanted to alert us."

Cade looked to the empty hallway, then sighed. "Neither one of us is right in the head."

The woman's colleague tapped his foot. Then Cade felt a warm hand on his shoulder. "It's not your fault."

Cade smiled. "I know. Not anyone's here either. If I see him, I'll tell someone."

"Thanks," she said, answering another call.

He walked away slowly, putting hands in his pockets. Reaching the main reception desk, he watched Sharon on her tablet, others called to action. When Drew was found, this place would be his next stop. Cade said nothing, making his nighttime rounds just like another official.

He checked on Annie, who didn't move with his presence. He set a real kiss along her face, but she ignored him, snoring louder. He smiled, then returned to his nocturnal wandering. A heightened sense filled the hallways, but lights were still low, a nervous quiet lingering. Cade returned to the back area, those guards missing. Maybe they were checking on the portal. He stalked that length of the corridor, finding no one close. Returning to the doors, he tapped a code recalled from his previous stay. The doors opened, and Cade stepped through.

He hadn't been inside this room since arriving and didn't recall that moment. But as if reliving that entry, Cade stared at the cylindrical machine, and at the man standing beside it. Drew ran hands along the smooth siding as if praying to an altar. Cade shivered, then cleared his throat. "Hey, what's up?"

Drew stiffened, then turned. "Just let me go, all right? Just pretend you never saw me."

It took Cade a few minutes to convince Drew to step away. A few more and Cade could reach for Drew, but it didn't come to that. Instead Cade sat on the floor, leaning against a wall. Drew followed, both men pulling up their knees. Cade sighed. "I haven't been in here since that day." He looked around the room. "Not very official looking."

"What are you doing awake?"

"Whatdya think?"

"You always wander around at night?"

"Sure, once Annie's asleep."

"She's in your bed?"

"Where do you think she sleeps?"

Drew smiled. "They turn the cameras off for you two?"

Cade laughed. "Well yeah, suppose they don't wanna die of embarrassment."

"That's why she's sleeping?"

"That and the baby." Cade cleared his throat. "Drew, let me go tell them I found you."

"Why didn't you just let me go?"

"Shit Drew, why do you think?"

"I dunno." Drew rested his head onto his knees. "I don't know if I can do this anymore."

"You go back and they'll kill you sure as shit."

"If they don't just terminate the stream mid-way."

Cade chuckled. "Those meticulous bastards will wanna know which of us chickened out."

Drew looked up. "Is that what you think?"

"Takes guts to live Drew."

"Well, maybe you're more ballsy than me. That's what they'd say anyways."

"You have more cojones in your little finger than I have, kid or no kid." Cade smiled.

"I can't, I can't..."

"Neither can I Drew. We're both screwed."

"I guess we are. Bill and Annie too."

"Yeah, pretty shitty all round."

Drew stared at Cade. "Are you, I mean..."

"Hell if I know. But I'll tell you this, I wanna see that baby, wanna know what it looks like." He laughed. "Right after I realized what I'd done to Annie, I just wanted to die. When she told me she was pregnant, between you and me, it didn't help, like I had really fucked everything up. That night we talked in the cafeteria, I really wanted her to get rid of it, like she could get rid of me. The last thing I wanted was any remnant of myself, especially not in her."

"And now?"

"Now, hell, now it's all that's keeping me going. No, that's not true, you too Drew. You, the baby, Annie, in that order, but don't tell her that."

Cade chuckled, then gripped Drew's hand. "It's the truth man, no bullshit. I love her, but every day I wonder if I'm only making it worse for her. The baby, God, I can't even consider that like I should, I mean, it's like I get another chance, but whoever that is won't know what I went through. If you and Bill ever have a kid..."

Drew gave a bitter laugh. "What the hell are you talking about?"

"Not now, I mean, you're a mess. But then so am I, and Annie's knocked up. I have no fucking idea if that's right, but we're here. You brought us here Drew, can't cop out now."

"Why not?"

"Because it'd set me back."

Drew cackled. "Oh well shit. God forbid I do something to screw up your recovery."

"It's tenuous, you asshole." Then Cade grinned. "God, I wish we could just get drunk. Got those six beers back at the apartment. You go get them, and we'll get plastered."

"Ha ha."

"Drew, you can't go back, and not just because they'd kill you. I need you, Bill needs you. Annie needs you. She's gonna need you most of all."

"What does Annie need me for?"

Cade smiled. "You think Glenna's got any beer stashed here?" Cade stood. "Her office is locked, but maybe she's here, high alert with you missing. Maybe I'll go see, head them off at the pass."

Drew looked at the portal. "Maybe I'll step in there while you're gone."

"I doubt it."

They stared at each other. "Oh yeah? What makes you so sure?"

"You wouldn't do anything of the sort, not to Annie."

Drew stood. "Cade..."

"I'll be right back. I suppose if someone comes looking, you could hide in there."

Cade headed out of the room, leaving Drew just feet from the portal.

"Well, I didn't find any beer. But everyone's searching for you."

Drew had returned to sitting on the floor. Cade pulled up a chair. "Didn't tell them where you were. But they're not dumb. Probably'll bust in here any minute."

"Why didn't you tell them?"

"'Cause I can still be a prick." Cade smiled. "Drew, what good'll it do if you go back there?"

"I won't feel it anymore."

"Won't feel what?"

"You know what."

"Oh yeah, out of place." Cade laughed. "God, you had no idea what you were doing getting us outta that hellhole. Out of the fucking frying pan right into the fire."

"I just didn't want them to kill you."

"They're probably gonna do it anyway."

Drew stared at him. "Cade, I'm sorry."

"Don't be. They can't touch the baby."

Drew nodded, then stood. "I can't touch Bill."

"You ever think about what you can do?"

"What?"

"I can't sleep, okay. But I can make love to Annie. I never made love to any woman in my life. I never _loved_ any woman, well, other than my mom. I cared for Stella, maybe that was as close as I ever came to feeling something real for another person there. Now here, it's totally different. I love Annie, Glenna, my baby, you. I love you Drew. After my dad, you're the first man I have ever actually loved. Now maybe that's bullshit, or maybe they ingrained in us something more than just anti-skim leanings. Maybe by cutting off a segment of society, they cut off a helluva lot more. I was only supposed to love women, but I couldn't even do that! Fucked plenty of them, but I never actively _loved_ a single one. Or maybe it was my job, fame, something that kept me from..."

Cade paused as Drew's left hand lay along his face. "He touched me right here, just like this, so soft, just wanting to determine if I was real."

"You are Drew. We're here, alive, because you gave a shit."

Drew removed his hand, then stared at it. "Bill said I stayed alive because of Tabitha."

"You did."

"But she didn't mean anything."

"Neither did any of the women I slept with, well, except that last one." Cade smiled. "I hope she found someone to love her. But maybe no one there can love anyone. If you're conditioned to hate one segment of the population, maybe that precludes you from really loving everyone. You hate this group, which leads to detesting that group, which makes it much easier to condemn somebody else and on and on until you're looking at elitist societies that do what happened here a thousand years ago. Just fuck everyone and bomb the place."

Drew nodded. "Cade, I really miss rain."

"What part of it?"

"When I stepped outside, I got wet just like everyone else. Rain didn't care if I was living a lie, just kept pouring on my head like it did to everybody. There I was, the biggest liar, but I walked to my car and no one thought I was different. Tabitha used to get so mad at me, but it had nothing to do with anything more than the weather."

"Maybe you used that to test her."

Drew smiled. "She'd get so pissed, then I'd, I'd..." He cleared his throat. "We'd have sex, I'd make it up to her. But it wasn't hard, I mean, I felt free when it rained. Maybe that's why I'm so screwed up here."

"Maybe you and Bill should move, live off planet."

Drew stared at him. "I thought I wasn't supposed to leave Annie."

"Well, the three, the four of you can..." Footsteps approached and Cade stood. "You want them in here?"

Drew shrugged. "Does it matter?"

"I don't know. Does it?"

"Drew!" Bill's voice echoed.

"He sounds scared shitless. So Drew, does he matter?"

"Can you be here Cade? Can you do this?"

"Drew? Cade?"

"Go to him. He loves you, you stupid bastard." Cade gave Drew a small push. "Tell him I just found you though, or they'll be pissed at me."

Bill burst into the room, gripping Drew, who responded immediately. Others followed as Bill's soft murmurs entwined with Drew's apologies.

In bed, Cade held Annie, who cried for where Drew had been found, for what Cade shared of their conversation, which included his newfound observation. Maybe no one on his planet really loved anyone.

Maybe only children felt that with their parents. Then it ebbed away as prohibitions intruded. Annie had no idea what sparked the initial war ruining Kezar's atmosphere, only that she would never feel rain on her face. Maybe when Cade was better they could vacation where precipitation was common. Several nearby planets offered that experience, like visiting a zoo.

Cade didn't tell her everything, but assumed she wept for more than Drew's fragile state. She cried due to increased hormones, bawled because of Bill's fears. Then she sniffled, running her hands along Cade's chest. "Why didn't you tell someone sooner?"

"He needed to talk. So did I."

"He'll be talking to Dr. Morgan now." Annie blew her nose. "Maybe you two can have shared sessions."

Cade nodded, not wishing to include her in those discussions anymore. "Honey, I love you."

"Do you think he would have done it?"

Cade shrugged. "Maybe. He's more lost than me in some ways. All my shit's here." He tapped at his forehead. "For Drew, it's everywhere he goes, he can't get away from it. So many ways to mess with someone."

She snuggled into him. "Cade, don't."

He kissed her head. "We can't pretend anymore." He stared at the security camera, a red light bright. "I'm not well and..."

"I know that," she muttered.

"Baby, I wanna be, there is nothing more in this world..." He chuckled. "This world, any world. If I could just dump out my head..."

"I fell in love with you like this. We'll work out whatever comes."

"Annie, you don't deserve this."

Quickly she pulled away. "I don't deserve what, you?" Her eyes flashed. "From the moment I saw you I knew someone had looked at you without a shred of sympathy in their souls. Maybe you're right about how Kezar ended up destroyed, but I will be..."

"Damned," he said, stroking her face. "You'll be damned if it happens on your watch."

She returned to his arms. "Screw you Cade Walton."

He laughed. "Oh Annie, how we've corrupted you."

She set his hand on her belly. "In so many ways."

Cade blinked, then nodded. "I never thought, I mean..."

"I need you. Are you going to leave us?"

Her small, broken voice made him bite his lip. "I don't know."

"Bill's thinking the same. I've never seen him so scared."

"If I told you we wanna stay, that it's all we want, and I will speak on Drew's behalf. Baby, there is nothing more I want than to be right here beside you. The both of you." He caressed her cheek. "Annie, I made a commitment to you and I meant it. Until death..."

She shuddered, then kissed his hand.

After she fell asleep, Cade left the room, heading for the reception desk. Sharon spoke with her husband and Cade didn't intrude. Then he spotted Bill standing with Glenna outside one of the immediate care treatment rooms.

Bill looked at Cade. "Is she out?"

"Yeah. All pregnant women that tired?"

"It was a long night," Glenna sighed.

"Is he, can he have any visitors?"

"Dr. Morgan's with him right now." Bill stepped from the door. "I didn't get to thank you before..."

Glenna walked away, Cade watching her heavy footsteps. "Bill, you don't have to..."

"I love him, but he's still there. Maybe now he might see it."

"He sees it all the time Bill. He can't get away from it."

Their eyes met. "I can't imagine living what either of you suffered."

"He had it worse than me."

Bill nodded. "But he doesn't want to hear that."

"I know. And for that I'm truly sorry."

Bill gazed at the floor, then pulled loose hair behind him. "I never realized how much I loved him until I went to your and Annie's apartment. I found him there before, but tonight it was so dark and silent, how my life would be, what I felt. If he was gone..."

Then Bill stared at Cade. "She'll be the same. She will feel just like that."

"Maybe. Or maybe the baby..."

"The baby can't replace you. I know that's asking a lot, but it's also the truth."

The morning shift filled the hallway. Cade hoped Annie would sleep through it; perhaps she could nap until lunch. For Cade, time still held no sense of when or how, but Bill's hand on his shoulder was warm, not menacing as before when time held no purpose.

"Cade, I don't know what Annie's said to you, and nothing I can tell you will mean more except that my husband's in there, he's somewhere I can't reach." Bill looked to Drew's door. "She probably feels the same, but Annie's pregnant." Bill faced Cade. "She has that, it's something, but it's not a flesh and blood man. You must feel like a ghost. That's how Drew thinks of himself. Maybe it's too much, in his face, I don't know, but I will do whatever Dr. Morgan asks, and Cade, if you can too, if you can just..."

Bill trembled, then buckled. Cade caught him. "I'll try. I can't promise you or Annie anything, but I will try."

Chapter 15

Drew cracked his knuckles as Glenna stared at his constantly blinking eyes. Were they dry, she wondered, or had Drew's time as an inpatient caused this tick. She looked at the floor, concentrating on his words. Again they spoke of his god, a deity that Glenna found fascinating, also preposterous. If she didn't hold Drew in such high esteem, she would excuse herself from the conversation.

Since his breakdown, it was all he wanted to discuss with her. He spoke of other issues with Dr. Morgan, but with Glenna, Drew approached religion, his and Cade's, a faith Glenna found strangely comforting but so ethereal, she wondered how it survived. How did anyone actually believe in this invisible, supposedly benevolent god?

Why did speaking of this god, made manifest in three distinct forms, cause Drew to blink, she wanted to ask, but she refrained, as Drew took a breath, noting the time. "Don't you have some real work to do?"

His smile was warm, rousing hers. "I'm off today."

He laughed. "Then why in the hell are you here?"

"Connie's working and..."

He stood, stretching his fingers again. "Glenna, my God, you don't have to..."

"No, I want to understand..."

"There's nothing to understand. I mean," he cleared his throat. "Either you believe or you don't. Not everyone on my planet does, or rather, they live like they don't, whether they profess it or not."

He stopped blinking, wiping his eyes. "God my eyes are so dry! I wonder if there's something in my meds."

She smiled. "I was going to ask you about that."

He sat down again, taking her hands. "Just been the last couple of days. I need to ask Turner what in the hell he's giving me now."

Glenna winced. Drew's role as guinea pig had continued, but this wasn't for Cade's benefit. "I'll look into it."

"I'll do the same. At least I'm sleeping better, not sure I like blinking all the time though."

She squeezed his hands. He had lost weight in the two months since he was admitted as a patient. For two months Drew had lived at the facility, in a room just doors down from Cade and Annie. She lived with Cade, but Bill didn't stay overnight with Drew, sleeping in his own space on the second floor.

"Glenna, thanks, I mean, for spending your break here." Drew kissed her hands, then stood. "But I think it's lunch time. You should go find Connie."

"Yeah, she's probably hunting for me." Glenna was lifted by Drew's hands, also his words; he looked eased talking about his faith. She kissed his cheek, then let him walk her to the door. It wasn't locked; he was free to leave, if he wished. But like Cade, Drew hadn't checked himself out.

"Give her my love," Drew smiled. "And if you see Turner before I do, ask him about my blinking."

"I'll tell him it drove me crazy and what it does to you..."

Drew blinked, then laughed. "He needs some guilt-tripping."

Glenna smiled, then felt a chill, seeing Dr. Morgan leaving Cade's room. "I'll be sure to tell him."

Glenna Burroughs spoke to Dr. Morgan for a moment, then walked to her partner's office. Dr. Morgan stopped in Drew's room, confirming their appointment for that afternoon. Then she went to her office not far from Glenna's, making notes on her tablet. Then she went to lunch, sitting with Connie and Glenna, the women speaking of trivial issues, not the men in their care.

Two men occupied permanent spaces in the facility, but Drew was making some progress, what Dr. Morgan thought, but didn't say. Glenna reflected on Drew's dry eyes while Connie pondered if Dr. Morgan had been called in sooner, might Drew be sitting with them, not sequestered. When Dr. Morgan excused herself, Connie and Glenna continued their light banter, but those naturalized Kezan citizens remained in all their hearts. Within the facility, rumors of bias swirled; if either man had been a native, would their initial treatments have been different? Not until Cade assaulted Annie had Dr. Morgan been notified. Finishing her lunch, Glenna considered visiting Cade, but it had been enough seeing Drew.

Dr. Morgan spent an hour detailing notes from her morning session with Cade Walton. He was on his third day without sleep, had been chatty, mostly about the daughter he and Annie were expecting. Hannah Saperstein wasn't sure if Cade's biology had made the gender more pronounced, but just days ago, during a routine scan, the fetus' sex was discovered. Both parents were thrilled, but Dr. Morgan had spoken to Cade alone, as usual. Annie never attended those sessions, at her husband's request. Not that Felicity Morgan wanted Annie's input, but if Cade had sought his wife's accompaniment, Dr. Morgan would have considered it. She listened to his jovial tone, but felt uncertain when she departed: _Patient exhibits no outward signs of fatigue. That he suffices on so little rest is a clinical mystery._

His vital signs told another story: _Blood pressure spikes at unsafe levels, brain waves show degraded pathways._ His heart was the most telling; at the last exam, significant injury was apparent, related to his heart attack nearly eighteen months before. Atraxin was administered, but now the drug seemed ineffective. It still kept him alert, which wasn't necessary, maybe why he exhibited so little exhaustion. Yet, in another day, perhaps two, Cade would collapse, either in the middle of a session, or during a meal, innocuous moments when his body simply shut down. It never happened at night, which Dr. Morgan welcomed. Cade and Annie slept together and it might rattle Cade's wife to find her husband passed out when she woke.

Dr. Morgan knew their previous habits; the couple had used sex to induce slumber. Then they had tried the illicit alcohol that Burroughs had procured. Now it was a matter of a man's stamina; Cade had gone six days, then slept for two. Every time he awoke, further damage to his heart was noted. Turner was trying different medications, which Dr. Morgan listed. Then she closed his file, opening that of Drew Clemmons.

The men had been subjected to short and long-term persecutions, and Dr. Morgan wasn't sure which was worse. On the surface, Cade seemed more troubled. But Drew's hesitancy to even admit he had been tortured bothered Felicity. He was a brilliant para, but long-term anguish colored his confidence. Not on a professional level, which Dr. Morgan had discussed with Burroughs and Turner. Only to herself she wondered if either man might turn a corner.

As she headed to Drew's room, she watched his husband leave. Bill's shoulders were drooped, his face low, and she took his hands. "Are you all right?"

Bill looked back, then at the doctor. "He's pretty unhappy right now."

"Why?"

"Says he doesn't want me to come back." Bill inhaled. "He asked how Kezans divorce."

"Divorce?"

"He said it means a permanent dissolution." Bill looked to the floor. "He's never mentioned this before."

Dr. Morgan flinched. Right after his chat with Burroughs, Drew's mood was buoyant. "Well, I suppose this will give us something to talk about."

Bill nodded. "I told him marriage was forever, then he became angry. I, uh, walked out. I've never done that before."

"When I finish the session, I'll locate you. This is an ongoing process."

"I know, it's just..." Bill wiped his face. "I knew it wasn't going to be easy."

Dr. Morgan gripped Bill's hand. "I'll see you in a couple of hours."

"Thanks."

He walked away as Felicity Morgan took a deep breath. Then she stepped into Drew's room.

He was agitated, blinking, then swore profusely. Sometimes Cade did the same, words she was now accustomed to, but still they sounded odd. The anger behind them wasn't strange, what Dr. Morgan wanted to hear from both men. She had heard plenty from Cade, mingling with brimming joy about the baby. As Drew stomped and railed, Dr. Morgan made notes, quoting extreme expletives that Cade employed with ease. From Drew they sounded difficult, undesired. He did not want to say these things.

He sat, then stared at her, blinking several times in the process. "Well, aren't you going to respond?"

"Drew, why were you so personable with Glenna and me, then furious with your husband?"

"God, you haven't been listening to a thing I've said! It's over with Bill. Shit, no one listens to me."

"That's true in that no one listened to you before."

He glared at her. "I never should've stayed here, never should've tried to..." He stood, walking to the window.

Dr. Morgan tapped on her tablet, but made no notes. "Drew, you are perfectly free to leave."

He looked back at her with a smirk. "Yeah right."

She walked to the door, holding it open. "You are the only one keeping yourself here."

"That some psychological bullshit?"

"It's psychological in nature, also the truth. If you really want to leave, no one will stop you."

He laughed. "I doubt that."

"Well, I'm sure those who care about you will have something to say. But no one is forcibly holding you in this room against your will."

Drew crossed his arms. "Bullshit."

"Drew, what did you speak to Burroughs about this morning?"

He stared at her. "Didn't she tell you?"

"No."

He sighed. "We talked about... Shit. About God."

"And what did you tell her?"

"A load of crap."

"Really?"

Drew took his seat. "What difference does it make?"

"When you spoke to her, how was your temperament? Were you angry, pleased?"

"I was fine, fine! Shit." He set his head in his hands.

Dr. Morgan sat across from him. "Did it bother you thinking about your faith?"

"It doesn't matter, nothing matters."

"You matter Drew."

He looked up. "What do I matter?"

"Your very life is meaningful, and I'm sure, to your god, it matters even more."

He laughed. "If I mattered, I wouldn't be here."

"If you didn't matter, you wouldn't be here."

He snorted. "God didn't give a shit about me there, and here what am I besides a fucking basket case?"

"Did you express that sentiment to Burroughs?"

He was silent.

"Drew, did speaking about your faith exhume this anger?"

"What the fuck does it matter? I'm gone, there's nothing here anymore." He stood, then pointed to the door. "Just escort me down there, all right? Let me go back, let them do whatever in the hell they want to me. It makes no difference, nothing makes any difference, don't you understand that?"

"You can walk there Drew. No one's stopping you."

"Oh right!"

"If you really want to return to your home world, I will call Burroughs right now. No one will prohibit your actions, and you can enter the portal. If that's really what you want."

"It is."

"All right." Dr. Morgan stood, then pulled out her tablet. "Do you want to leave any parting messages?"

"No."

"Not even to Dillion?"

"Fuck him."

Dr. Morgan cleared her throat. "I'm sorry you feel this is your only option."

He tapped his foot, then stared at the floor.

She sighed, then stepped to the door. She opened it, then left the room.

Drew walked as if condemned, but it was a personal censure. Speaking with Glenna that morning felt like a lifetime ago, as if another man had told her those tales, they were only stories. As he reached the back hallway, he didn't look at anyone, but felt their gazes, some of sadness, others in pity. A few were confused, and he wondered who would tell Bill.

Who would tell Bill, Annie, Cade... Drew shut that out, then reached the last door. A guard stood sentinel, but nodded to him, then punched the code. Drew wondered if it had been changed.

As he entered the room, Cade waited in front of the portal. "Well, I should've known," Drew said. "They weren't just gonna let me leave."

"If you go, so do I."

"Fuck off Cade."

"I mean it. If you step in there, you're not going alone."

"Does Annie know about this?"

"Does Bill?"

Drew looked to the closed door. "So who's gonna start this thing?"

"I told Annie I wouldn't let you leave alone. She wasn't pleased, but she understood."

"You what?"

"Bill was standing there, looked pretty miserable. But they didn't argue. So whenever you're ready. It's programmed so as soon as we step inside, the process starts. I doubt they'll stop the stream, especially with two bodies coming. They'll be hoping one of us will be in it."

"Bill knows?"

"Dr. Morgan wasn't gonna just let you get away without telling your husband." Cade smiled. "I mean, you can do what you like, but she wasn't gonna lie to him. Or to me and Annie."

Drew stared at the portal. "Where is he?"

"Crying in Annie's arms when I left. Told me to tell you..."

"Shut the fuck up Cade."

"Whatever. So, you ready?" Cade stepped beside the portal. "After you."

Drew shook, then approached Cade. "I can't do this anymore."

"Neither can I. Heart's giving out, but you know that."

Drew touched Cade's chest. "Does it hurt?"

"When I think about Annie and the baby. Otherwise not really."

Their eyes met. "You're a bastard Cade Walton."

"You're not the first to tell me."

Drew smiled, then looked into the empty room. "Why're you here?"

"Because you brought me here, asshole. And now you're gonna take me back."

"Cade, get out of here."

"I can't. And honest to God, neither can you."

"Yeah?"

"Yup."

"And why's that?"

"The Hippocratic Oath."

Drew chuckled. "Really?"

"Why'd you bring me here in the first place?"

"You know why."

"Well then..."

Drew stepped inside the portal. "All right, you think you're so goddamn smart, let's go."

Cade smiled. "Whatever you say."

As Cade put one foot in the portal, Drew grabbed his arm. They stared at each other, then Drew trembled. "You can't goddamn you, you can't..."

As Drew fell to his knees, Cade carried him from the portal, then set the weeping man on the floor.

Against Bill, Drew lay quietly. He had refused any more meds, had stopped blinking. The window shades had been pulled, Dr. Morgan doing that as she left. Bill had been seated across the room, Drew in bed. After she closed the door, Drew asked Bill to join him. The security camera's red light went dark as Bill sat beside his husband.

"I'm sorry," Drew mumbled. He had said it at several points once seeing Bill's disheveled face, after Cade and the guard walked him to the main hallway. Drew's legs were weak, his heart racing. He hadn't expected Cade to actually step inside the portal, nor had he imagined Bill would let him go. Feeling Bill shiver, Drew wondered what leaving would have done to this man.

Bill hadn't said he would end his life, nothing so melodramatic. But the wrecked visage that met Drew had been as stunning as Cade actually entering the portal. Now Drew lay next to his husband; they were married until death parted them, which was what Bill repeated as Drew returned to his room, as Dr. Morgan made notes, as Turner tried to administer an IV. He wanted Drew to ingest some Tricin, get some deep sleep. Instead Drew clung to his husband, whom he hadn't even said goodbye to.

"You need anything?" Bill whispered.

"Why are you here?"

"Because I love you."

Drew nodded, then faced him. "I didn't expect him to be there. I didn't know what was gonna happen. I didn't think they'd just let me walk away, but I guess she wasn't kidding."

"I told them that if you really wanted to end your life, I wouldn't stand in the way."

"Why not?"

"Because I love you too much to see you in such pain."

"What about you?"

A warm hand stroked Drew's face. "When I first saw you, I knew you'd been injured. Cade looked near death, and your eyes held years of torture." Bill swallowed. "I've seen that before, turns my stomach every time. When you stepped out, all I thought was how did he even make it here alive? Cade was so brutalized I couldn't even tell if he was male or female, and between you and me, I didn't expect him to survive. But Drew, you were just as horrifically wounded. I tried to keep that foremost in my thoughts, because I knew what else I felt for you, but I couldn't love away what they inflicted, couldn't alter that no matter what I did. When Dr. Morgan said that you were heading to the portal, I just wanted you to be at peace. I was with Cade and Annie, and he took off, but I stayed with her. She and I, we've talked about this. We love you both, maybe to our detriment. But at the same time we accept the gift of your presence, the both of you. Perhaps for a very limited time, but still, it's like Kezans coming back here, at a price, in these domes. We're never going to live outside them, no one will. What does it matter if we live here or on another planet? Maybe it's just some defiant pose, and maybe you and Cade are the same, and those of us who love you blindly forge ahead." Bill laughed. "These domes are permanent and here I am, living under one anyway. I'll probably complain till my last breath, but Drew, I don't think I'll ever live anywhere else."

"I just don't know what to believe anymore. I sat in this room today telling Glenna about this loving, all-knowing deity that supposedly wants the best for me, for us, for everyone in creation. Yet, if that's true, why did they persecute me? What did I do wrong, why was I condemned? Why would God let that happen to me, to Cade, to so many others? I started thinking about that after Dr. Morgan stopped in to confirm our appointment, because if I could tell Glenna all those lovely things about my God, yet, I couldn't live there, what did that mean? Then you came in..." Drew sighed. "When Dr. Morgan came back, I just, Christ, I wanted to scream, wanted God to come into this room and explain to me _why_. If he's so wonderful and perfect, why did I have to come here in the first place?"

"Can I tell you what I think?"

"Of course."

"You came here so Annie and Cade could marry, so I could fall in love with you. It's painful for all of us, for others too, so many people here care about you. We can't erase what's been done to you and Cade, all we can do is empathize, tell you we love you. Maybe that doesn't help, maybe it makes it worse. Drew, if you can't be here, if you really can't stay, I won't ask you to. I couldn't do that to you, no matter how much I love you. I can't speak for Annie, but for myself, and for you, if you need to go..."

Drew set his face along Bill's. Their lips met, a long kiss shared. When Drew pulled away, he reached for Bill's jaw. "You are the most perfect thing in my life, do you know that?"

Bill smiled.

"Will you stay here with me tonight?"

"Are you sure?"

Drew nodded. "I don't wanna sleep without you."

"I'll stay as long as you want."

"All night Bill."

"As long as you're comfortable Drew."

"Don't leave, all right?"

"I won't."

Drew woke first, looking over his shoulder. Bill lay sleeping, his breaths almost silent. Then Drew peered at the camera. No red light, and he exhaled.

The shades were still drawn, and Drew left them that way, heading to the bathroom. When he returned, Bill's eyes fluttered. "Drew?"

"Yeah?"

"You been up long?"

Drew sat beside him. "Just a few minutes. Good morning."

"Good morning." Bill stretched, then sat up. "Not a bad bed."

"Not as good as ours."

"No, it's not." Bill set his hand on Drew's face. "Did you sleep all right?"

Drew laughed. "Yeah, didn't move."

Bill nodded. "I'm off today."

"Really?"

"Yeah. I'd like to be with you, as long as Dr. Morgan allows."

Drew looked around the room. "I don't wanna be away from you."

They held hands, then Bill sighed. "I meant what I said last night. If you ever feel..."

"Can you stay here, with me, again tonight?"

"I think so. Drew?"

"I don't wanna spend another night apart, not unless it's absolutely necessary."

Bill nodded. "I just want to be with you, as long as we can."

"Until death do us part."

"Until death do us part."

Chapter 16

Annie rested her hand on the baby, seven months and wiggly. The day was warm, and she smiled at Cade. "How do you feel?"

"Hot." He kissed her. "When's that train coming?"

She peered down the platform. "Another few minutes." She glanced at him, sweat on his forehead. "You okay?"

He nodded, placing his hand on hers. He pressed gently, the baby responding. "Feels good to be out. I'm surprised we don't have an escort."

She giggled. "Drew threatened."

"I know. He's looking so well."

Annie looked again for the train, then stood. Sixteen weeks remained for the baby, four months that Annie and Cade would live at the facility. Her mother wanted them after that, and Annie felt Cade might make it. Sleep was still difficult, but he wasn't on Atraxin anymore, Cohil instead. That medication offered no stimulants, eased his erratic heartbeat. She gazed at the lines on his face, gray hair creeping along his temples. He was thin, looked fifty years old. She blinked, then turned for the train.

He joined her, setting his arms around her wide middle. She wondered if he would live long enough to see their daughter, stay with her parents. When he ran to Drew at the portal, Annie almost went after him, but Bill had needed her. Now Cade seemed as fleeting as when he arrived, at times. There on the platform he nuzzled her neck, making her weak. They were heading for her apartment, would spend two days on their own. A trial; not if Cade could sleep, but if being outside the facility was a possibility. If they traveled as far as her parents, it would be hours before he could be retrieved.

"When we get home, oh Annie..."

She closed her eyes, wanting to melt into him. He looked miserable, but sometimes Cade was his thirty-five years, making her feel a decade younger, even if she was swollen and tired. She turned to him, caressing his cheek. "When we get home, you're not even going to know what hit you."

"Promise?"

She giggled as the train whistle blew. "Just you wait."

He pressed into her. "I can't wait that long."

"You'll have to." They kissed as the train arrived, then stepped aboard, finding a double seat. Annie leaned into him, napping until they reached Larkin.

The living room looked no different to Cade, but when he left it was under duress, transported in a special vehicle under guard. He shut that out as Annie opened drapes, cracked the windows. Bill had aired it out, but a musty scent remained. Cade ignored it, then approached his wife. "It's good to be here."

"Really?"

"It feels like home."

She sniffled and he wiped her few tears. He couldn't imagine when they might live here again; maybe years, maybe never. He didn't consider staying with her parents, only their baby. Four more months, if he could last four more months, and he inhaled. "Let's lay down."

She nodded and they walked to the bedroom. He closed their door as she left those curtains drawn. Then he watched her undress, her breasts enormous, her belly the same. He stripped his clothes as she took back the bedding. They made love hurriedly, as if consecrating this place all over again.

Annie had been pregnant the last time they were here, but he hadn't known. He had hit her, unwittingly. Now he lay beside her, caressing their child. "I love you Annie."

"I love you too."

When she came, her abdomen constricted, but now she was relaxed, and he observed rises and lumps giving way to a smooth, rounded bulge. Then impressions formed again. "She just doesn't quit moving," he laughed.

"She likes it here."

"Maybe she does."

He kissed where a point emerged; was it a knee or elbow? Cade called her name, one they had agreed upon as soon as they knew it was a girl. He wondered if his parents would ever learn of their descendent, would it be their only grandchild? Cade didn't think much about the future, except those sixteen weeks. Then maybe he would ponder something else.

"Are you sleepy?" he asked.

"A little."

He stroked her face. "You look exhausted."

"I did nap on the train."

"That was the pre-sex slumber. Now you look ready for the post-sex snooze."

"I don't just sleep all the time."

"You most certainly do."

They joked she slept for him now; Cade might stay up six days, sometimes an entire week, small scattered catnaps interspersed. Even after the Atraxin was removed, he still couldn't rest until his body was beyond need. Then he collapsed wherever he might be, unconscious for two or three days. He always woke catheterized, Annie or Bill at his side. Sometimes Drew, but not always.

Cade usually woke in the middle of a nightmare, but Annie or Bill held his hand, told him he was safe, that no one would hurt him. It took twenty or thirty seconds for their calm, familiar voices to penetrate his brain; as he woke, Cade shook with fury, but they hadn't yet restrained him. Then he opened his eyes, saw his wife, or Bill. Once he noted their faces he could shake off whatever had stirred him, whatever waited in his subconscious. He wished Dr. Morgan could split open his head, remove the affected gray matter. They laughed about that; if possible, she would do anything to take those memories.

When he was awake, on the early days, nothing bothered him. This was day two, and they would return to the facility on day four. After that, Cade didn't trust himself, and lately Annie slept in her old quarters if he was going on four days without rest. He worried now, couldn't help it. Bill was home, a ten-minute walk. That was planned, in case Cade needed back-up. Drew had been kind to allow that small break, but only two days. Bill and Drew slept together every night, had taken outings to Larkin, but Drew wasn't well enough to leave permanently. Someday, Cade knew, Bill and Drew would live ten minutes from this apartment. Annie and Cade wouldn't be here, but the building would remain.

"Honey, I think I am going to take a little nap."

He kissed her. "Little or long, whatever baby."

She smiled. "If you step out, just leave a note."

"I'm not going anywhere."

She nodded, then rolled to her left side, sticking a pillow under the baby. Within minutes, snores filled the room.

Annie's slumber eased Cade, and he sat up, watching her rest. Her right hand lay on the baby, her left tucked under her head. She slept this way often, and he tried to imprint this in his mind, but there was no room.

When Annie woke, she used the toilet, then found Cade on the sofa, reading. He smiled as she joined him. "How long?" she asked.

"Two hours. You snored the whole time."

"Liar," she sighed, leaning into him. "What are you reading?"

"Dr. Morgan sent some case studies, just the usual crap." He put the tablet on the table. "What do you wanna do?"

"We need some food."

"Bill dropped by, fridge is full."

"Really?"

"I think he wanted to check on us. He's coming by later, wants dinner as payment."

"Good. That way he won't be alone."

Cade smiled, then tickled her belly. "Yeah, I think he misses Drew."

"I wish..."

"I know, me too." Cade kissed her, then looked to the cupboard. Those six beers sat on the shelf. Months had passed since he had set them there, time lived in twilight, with four months remaining. "Baby, you hungry?"

"Well..."

Cade stood. "He's not coming for another couple of hours, didn't wanna wake you. What do you want?"

"Just a half sandwich." She stood, joining him in the kitchen. Cade fixed a whole for them both. They ate standing up, talking and laughing, as if no days had elapsed, except for those beers; if Cade had been here, they would have been consumed, then replaced. Maybe he had stayed here with Annie, maybe nothing bad had happened. Except that only Bill was coming for dinner. And that Drew had stood in the portal, Cade with one foot beside him.

"Honey what?" Annie asked.

He smiled, then set his plate on the counter. "Sometimes it's like we've been here the whole time. I know we haven't, but sometimes I can just imagine it."

Her hand was warm on his face. "Do you want to go back?"

He laughed. "No, but I can't stay here. I know that like right before I found myself in Drew's care. I couldn't be in prison much longer or I'd be dead. And I had no recourse for either situation. Annie, it's outta my hands. All I want is to..."

"I know."

He took the plate from her shaking hands. "Honey, come hell or high water, I am gonna see our baby. They won't take that from me too."

She wept in his arms, in their kitchen. Cade repeated his words, as if saying them might make them more real.

Bill's jovial presence eased Annie's heart, and as he left, she had forgotten her sorrow. She missed Drew, they all did. But he was making progress, and perhaps when the baby was born, he and Bill would be back in Larkin, living at their house. Annie focused on the positives, too many unknowns to consider.

After Bill left, Cade washed dishes while she sat on the sofa, writing to her mother about their evening. It did seem almost normal, as if she, Cade, and their daughter had been here the entire pregnancy. Annie would be writing to her parents as Cade performed domestic duties. Then he sat beside her, his hands still damp. "Didn't you use gloves?" she asked.

"Nah, the water felt good. How's your mom?"

Annie set the tablet on the coffee table. "She's fine."

"Good." Cade kissed her, then massaged her stomach. "You ready for bed?"

She nodded. "Let me just tell her goodnight."

He stood, handing her the tablet. Annie closed the message, then set the device on the other side of the couch. Cade helped her up, then he locked the door and turned off the lights. Annie felt peaceful as Cade led her to bed, closing their door, like this was all they did; mundane chores that killed time until they lay beside each other, their daughter between them. Cade made love to Annie, then talked to the baby. The next thing Annie knew was turning to her left side, shoving that pillow under their child.

"Annie, Annie?"

She grunted, then struggled to open her eyes, which felt glued shut. "What?"

"Annie..."

Through slits, she saw Burroughs in front of her, Bill behind, Drew at his side. "What, where am I? Cade, where's Cade?"

Glenna tenderly stroked Annie's face. "He's all right. He's okay."

Annie blinked, then looked at her left hand, an IV inserted. Usually that hand was tucked under her head as she slept, then she glanced around the room. This was her room, at her apartment, but Burroughs had never been here. And why was Drew not at the facility? "Where is he, what happened?"

Drew sat on Annie's other side. "He drank all those beers. Bill found him in the middle of the night, incoherent."

"Why? Oh no, no!"

"Annie, he's sedated, he's stable."

"Burroughs, why are you here, what in the world is going on?"

Annie sat up, looking at her hand. The needle was taped to her skin; how had they affixed that and not woke her up?

She looked at the trio, all in deep sadness. Then she reached for her face with her right hand; her left eye was sore, the skin around it puffy. She closed her eyes, the lids felt tight. "What did he do?"

"He assaulted you. He said he got drunk, then fell asleep. When he woke, here with you, he had attacked you again. He left the apartment in a rush, the door was wide open." Drew sighed. "We didn't want to move you, weren't sure if you would..."

"Wake up?" She opened her eyes, they hurt. Then she looked at her belly. "The baby..."

"She's just fine," Glenna said. "Turner was here, Saperstein too. They took scans, the heartbeat is strong. Morse, the baby is just fine."

"What did they give him?" she said, caressing her belly.

"A very small dose of Tricin, barely a trace."

Annie looked at Bill. "How was he?"

"Not in his right mind."

Annie nodded, then stared at her left hand again. "What am I on?"

"Just a small sedative. We wanted you to rest, do you remember anything?"

She shook her head. "I was turning over to go to sleep. I'd written my mother..." Annie sat up with Drew's assistance. "Bill came for dinner, then Cade washed the dishes, and I was writing to Mom. Then we went to bed."

"Morse, we want to transfer you back to the facility as soon as you're ready."

"Burroughs, does he know? I mean, what did he remember?"

"He just kept saying for god and country. He was running up and down the road, yelling at the top of his voice." Bill joined Drew on the bed, holding Annie's right hand. "He said he was doing it for god and country."

She sat beside her husband, who was dead to the world and to himself in a way Annie couldn't breech. He had been asleep for three days, but the Tricin had been eliminated as soon as he was unconscious. Turner expected him to wake any time, and even with her bruised face, Annie wanted to be there. She wanted him to know that she loved him, forgave him. Dr. Morgan wasn't sure if that was best, but had given her permission.

Drew sat on Cade's other side, positions unchanged from when the men had first arrived. Annie watched as he looked at monitors, but avoided her face. She wasn't bothered, not with her battered appearance, or Drew's discomfort. He wasn't alone in averting his gaze.

If Cade had been taken to a standard hospital, Annie's mother would be here too. Burroughs was seeking a dispensation for Mara Morse, but so far it hadn't been permitted. Annie wasn't sure if she wanted her mother to see Cade, wasn't sure if her mom could take Annie's contusions. Annie had never meant to fall in love with an injured man, but she sat next to her husband, holding his limp hand. Had her mother felt so helpless when doing the same with Gale?

Annie stood, stretching her back. The baby was fine, moving as usual, causing Annie deep unrest. Not over its health, but Cade's, yet he looked relaxed in bed, what she could see of him. A tube snaked under his gown, delivering vital fluids. Beneath the blankets he was catheterized, and depending on how he stirred, he might be restrained. She wanted to be here when he woke to explain that; her bruises were healing, her eyes not so sore. He hadn't meant to hit her, she was certain, what her mother always said. Annie hadn't believed it then, now she understood. She didn't condone it, but had forgiven him. Neither man had been able to control their actions; they were ill, compromised.

"Are you all right?" Drew asked.

She nodded. "I'm going for a walk."

"I'll be here."

She smiled, then stood behind him, rubbing his shoulders. "It'll be a while before he wakes."

"I know, but there wasn't anything else to give him."

She nodded. "Drew, he didn't mean it, I know he didn't."

"Annie..."

She leaned down, kissing Drew's head. "I watched my parents go through the very same thing. My father never wanted to hurt her, and I never understood it until now." She sighed, then stepped to the door. "If he does wake, I won't be far."

Drew turned her way. "I'll send someone for you."

She smiled, then left the room.

When Cade woke, he knew two things; the first was the catheter. Then he stared into Drew's face. "What did I do this time?"

Drew pulled up his chair. "What do you remember?"

"Where is she? Did I kill her?"

"No, you didn't kill her. She's in Larkin, with her mother."

Cade looked at his surroundings, an immediate care room, not the more homey suite he and Annie had shared. "What did I do to her Drew, just tell me."

"You hit her on the face. The baby's fine Cade. Annie is now too."

"What does that mean?"

"It's been two weeks. You've been unconscious for two weeks."

Cade looked up, Glenna and Robert standing in the doorway. Their faces showed relief, also concern. "So how badly did I fuck up this time?" Cade asked them.

As Drew and Turner began kneading Cade's quadriceps, Glenna gently stroked his cheek. "You're on the top of many lists now Mr. Walton."

Her voice was soft, her smile small. "Glenna, don't get me any more beer, all right?"

"I won't."

"Will someone tell Annie that I asked about her?"

"She'll probably be on the train within the hour," Drew said, now massaging Cade's arm. "How does this feel?"

"Like it's been asleep." Cade wiggled his fingers. "Two weeks huh, that's a new record."

"Cade, you were in a coma. Tricin was administered, we had no choice, but..."

"But I just don't do so well with Tricin Turner, I know that."

"Cade, this isn't just about the Tricin."

He looked at Glenna. "No, I suppose not. Will you tell Annie I'm sorry, that I am so sorry."

"You can tell her when she gets here," Drew said.

Cade shook his head.

"She loves you, just needed to be away for a while." Glenna kissed him. "You gave all of us a good scare."

"I don't wanna see her."

"She's not mad at you," Turner said, bending Cade's legs. "She's pissed at me."

"Why's she mad at you?"

Turner put Cade's leg on the bed. "Listen, I'm going to alert the masses. Morgan will be happy to hear you're conscious."

He left the room and Glenna took his spot. "Cade, can you lift your legs at all?"

"Why's Annie mad at him?"

"Because he didn't demand Morgan for us right off the bat. Can you do it Cade?"

"Oh, sorry." Slowly he lifted his left leg, then the right. "Feels like they still work. What, Annie haul off and hit him?"

Glenna smiled. Then she rubbed Cade's feet. "Annie had some residual anger to express, but not toward you."

"God that feels good. Glenna, don't move."

Dr. Morgan joined them. "Well, seems you're back to the land of the living."

Cade nodded, then looked at Drew. "Something like that. Two weeks huh, what does that mean?"

Dr. Morgan stared at Glenna and Drew. "Did you tell him?"

"Tell me what?"

She sat, then massaged his right hand. "Cade, you nearly died. For a week you weren't breathing on your own."

"Is that when Annie went home?"

Drew nodded.

"Well Christ! Wasn't someone going to tell me?" Cade jerked from all their hands, then felt depleted. "What, she think I wasn't gonna make it?"

"None of us were sure," Dr. Morgan said.

"I see."

"I've spoken with her, as soon as Drew noted you were awake."

"How'd you do that?" Cade asked Drew.

"Hit the call button. You're pretty high priority right now."

"Cade, Morse's on her way, her mother too. Burroughs was able to secure a dispensation for her while you were unconscious."

"In case I was dead."

"Yes. We wanted Annie to have her mother with her in case that occurred."

"How long, I mean, two weeks, shit! What'd I do to her?"

The room was silent.

"Will someone please just tell me what the fuck I did to her?"

"You hit her face, just her face," Drew said.

"Just her face?"

"You blackened her eyes, split her lip. Cade, she's fine now, the baby wasn't harmed. How much more do you want to torture yourself?"

The men stared at each other. "Torture myself, torture myself. I don't know Drew. How much more do I want to torture her is the bigger question."

Mara Morse sat beside her son-in-law, but Annie hadn't yet stepped into the room. Cade said he was sorry, that he wished he was dead. She had nodded at those sentiments, noting that Gale had said the same to her while lying in the hospital years before. Mara stated that over and over; sometimes it took years.

"I don't have that long," Cade said.

"Of course you do."

He laughed. "No Mara, I really don't."

He looked up. Annie stood in the doorway. She didn't look hurt, but two weeks had passed. Fourteen left, he thought, as she stepped beside her mother. Mara wiped her eyes, then gave Annie the chair. "I'll be right outside," Mara said, squeezing Cade's hand.

Annie nodded, then clasped his right hand. "I love you. I will always love you."

"How bad was it?"

"Worse than last time."

He sighed. "I don't even know what to say."

She set his hand on the baby. "I told her you were sleeping, that's why she didn't hear you. For the first few days she moved all the time, as if she was agitated. Then when I explained, she calmed. Funny what a fetus knows."

Cade licked his lips, then bit the inside of his cheek. "Yeah, funny."

Movements were forceful, as if the baby had grown leaps and bounds. Annie didn't look any bigger, nor did her face sport any remnant of his attack. He had gotten drunk, then assaulted his wife. His pregnant wife, and Cade closed his eyes.

If he ripped the IV from his chest, how long might it take them to replace it? How much blood could he lose, how quickly might he succumb? "Cade?"

"What?"

"I don't blame you."

"Why not?"

"Because you're not..." She inhaled. "Can you look at me?"

"No."

She stroked his hand on their baby, pressing his palm into her skin. "Mom and I talked a lot while you were out. I wasn't sure if you would wake, had no idea what was going to happen. They stole something from you, some part that will never be replaced. Dad's the same, less of who he was. Mom said she still misses that man, that part of who he had been. But Cade, I don't know you any other way. I love exactly who you are today. I always will."

He looked at her, long blonde hair, blue eyes, absolute truth. "Maybe you shouldn't love me anymore."

"Too late to change it."

He sat up and she moved beside him on the mattress. Annie laid her head on the right side of his chest, away from the IV, and Cade put his arms around her. "I have no idea what's gonna happen now."

"I'm going to have our baby."

"Annie..."

"If you're here, good. If not..."

"I don't know." Then he chuckled. "God you feel incredible."

She smiled. "So do you."

He nodded, then sighed. "Will you tell me?"

"I don't remember."

He tipped her face to his. "Annie..."

"When I woke they had already inserted an IV, giving me something to forget it. At the time Drew didn't know what Turner administered, but later he looked it up. Dorsophil alters memories. They give it to pregnant women when labor gets bad, so we don't recall how much it hurt."

"Safe for the baby?"

"The only time it's used."

He nodded. "I'm sorry."

"I love you. It's forgotten. Literally," she smiled.

"But it happened."

"Yes it did. Cade, you were tortured, so was Drew. Those memories have altered both of you to the point where suicide has been considered. I'd rather not recall, if you don't mind. I have a lot to live for."

She set his hand on the baby. "No matter what, someday she'll know the truth, that her daddy wasn't well, but that he loved us, loved her. He came from far away, suffered great injuries there. But he managed to find us, find me. You told me everything you endured was worth it in coming here. Cade, I feel the very same."

He trembled, then kissed her hair. She looked at him, finding his mouth. Absolution was offered, then Annie turned to her left side, setting the blanket under the baby. She tucked her left hand under her face, Cade's shaking sobs cradling her as she went to sleep.

Chapter 17

Annie held Cade's hand as they walked from his immediate care room to where she slept upstairs. Their soft banter floated down the hall, bumping into Robert Turner, then Glenna Burroughs. Dr. Morgan and Hannah Saperstein heard gentle murmurs, but didn't meet the couple's eyes. Annie and Cade waited for the elevator, then stepped inside. Soon they stood in front of Annie's door. She unlocked it, leading him in.

"It looks the same." Cade shoved hands in his pockets. "Why haven't you changed anything?"

She smiled, setting her hands on the baby. "Been too busy. Come here Cade." Annie eased his palm over a thumping fetus, then placed her free hand on his face. "Thanks for coming up here today."

Two weeks had passed since he stirred, two weeks he had lived downstairs while she slept a floor above him. They napped together, but Cade hadn't allowed her to lay with him at night. This excursion was an experiment; they were testing the waters, testing him.

"How is this?" she asked, noting his stubbled cheek, also how he hadn't moved away from the baby.

"It's... Oh Christ. I'd give anything Annie, anything at all."

Their eyes met, his with tears. He shook, but hadn't moved away. Annie pulled him to her left side, where he set his face into her shoulder. It quickly turned damp as he trembled, weeping hard. After a few minutes, Annie moved them to the bed, where they lay facing each other.

Cade traced her clothing along that growing bulge. The baby kicked in response, which made Annie laugh. Cade tried not to, but eventually he chuckled. "It's a game to her."

Annie wanted to tell him it was how much their daughter knew him, loved him. Before he fell into the coma, she would have said something. Now it felt mocking. Annie nodded, then put her hands over his.

Their daughter quieted, as if she only needed to alert her father. "She's going to sleep," Cade smiled.

"She's been busy all morning."

"Does it bother you?"

"Oh, not at all. Feels good, well, until she hits a nerve."

Then Annie coughed, which led to strangled sobs. Cade wrapped her close. "Baby, I love you, the both of you, oh Annie honey..."

She hadn't spoken to anyone about what lay so deeply in her heart. She noted how she looked forward to motherhood, one day even returning to work. But about Cade she said not one word, not even to Drew. He mentioned Cade in passing, but Annie would change the subject. Drew never pressed until the next time they spoke.

This short visit from his room would require Cade to spend the next few days tethered to an IV; his heart had stopped several times in the past two weeks, cumulative effects of the Tricin and Atraxin. He now took Rismet to maintain his heartbeat, but it affected his vision and hearing. Other pharmaceuticals added to a strange cocktail that Turner administered under Dr. Morgan's watch; Cade still took Cohil, but Rismet produced better results, yet, caused problems. Anguin repaired the vision loss, but did nothing for his hearing. Septin allowed him short naps, but wasn't given in large doses, still an experimental treatment. Drew had tried it, didn't knock him out as Tricin did.

So many medications had taken a toll; Cade's weight had plummeted, his libido absent. Annie hadn't minded that, worried more for his slight frame. But those were brushed aside when she considered the real issue. Cade's largest problem wasn't an erratic heartbeat, poor sight and hearing, or a weakened sex drive. Cade Walton hadn't slept for more than sixty minutes straight since emerging from the coma.

He relaxed with her long hair draped across him, but slumber wasn't even close. Annie wondered how he spoke, or even drew breath. How did these physical reactions occur when no rest had been partaken?

Dr. Morgan had no idea, had never seen someone so debilitated yet alive. Maybe all those meds worked together in some odd combination, allowing Cade to smile and joke, or cry. He wept with Annie, sometimes with Drew. Otherwise he was chipper if not always coherent. Cade spoke of his life as if the short time they lived at Annie's apartment was some dream, on par with his former position as an actor. Annie considered those brief months as she did the rest of her life before meeting Cade; days lived as if waiting. She had been waiting, but unaware. Now she was anticipating her baby. His too, but since he stirred from the coma, the baby was more its mother's. Annie hadn't noted that to anyone but her mom. Mara had told her it was okay to feel that way; sometimes she had felt the same.

Annie stroked Cade's head and he nodded. They didn't speak, but he nudged at her breasts. Annie lay flat, unbuttoning her blouse. Cade sat up, taking her hands. "I love you, God I love you so much."

She smiled as he set his warm palms over her bra. Then he took off his shirt, but she didn't look at his chest. The insert for the IV was covered by a small piece of gauze, and he was so thin, she imagined his ribs showed. Instead she thought of how he used to look, when they lived at her apartment, her home. Annie bit her cheek, then released a moan. "What are you doing?"

He had moved down in the bed, was struggling to remove her trousers. "I want you, believe it or not."

"Yeah?" she giggled, keeping her eyes closed.

"Yeah, so give me a hand before I lose it."

They laughed together as she undressed. As she rolled to her side, he set his hands on her hip. "Just stay like this."

"Are you sure?"

"Let me fool around for a while." He chuckled. "Not sure I can actually do much more than that."

"It's enough."

"Is it?"

He lay against her, was hard but not for intercourse, no matter what position she took. Yet his erection comforted, stirring her to an orgasm. They laughed again; it didn't take much for her these days. Yet it took ages for him; when he came, immediately he flopped beside her. "God, I barely have enough stamina anymore."

Before he would have nestled into her bosom, then maybe fallen asleep. Now he breathed deeply, lying on his back. Annie nodded, unable to speak.

"Baby, I love you. Even with all the shit they're pumping into me, they can't keep me from this."

She still said nothing.

"It hurts, you know. I mean, not the sex." He laughed, wrapping his arms around her. "But not having it, not doing that with you anymore. Hurts inside my chest, along my legs, even my toes ache. I wonder what that means."

She knew what he was really saying, but couldn't reply to any of it. She just kept nodding her head.

"Annie, I really wanted to be here, you know that right?"

His hands traced her navel, then went under the baby. Annie felt a stabbing pain, but not labor. It was higher in her torso, her heart wrenched with his gentle touch.

"Will you tell her, I mean, not about this, but..." He laughed. "Can you tell her someday?"

Annie nodded again.

"Good. I mean, I want her to know I tried, God Annie, I just... It's just so damned hard."

"I know Cade," she squeaked.

He stroked her face, spreading tears along her cheeks. "Oh Annie, baby, I'm sorry, I am so goddamned sorry!"

He moved to her face, kissing her. Annie breathed as he did so, feeling no pain, just his warm mouth, a quiet baby inside her. Then she fell asleep.

When they returned to Cade's room, Turner and Dr. Morgan waited. Cade dressed in his hospital gown, then lay in bed. Annie watched as the IV was reinserted, as he was catheterized. "We're going to try a new drug Cade, something that might help you actually sleep."

Annie stared at Turner, who didn't look at her. "Dr. Morgan's given the okay for this stuff, if you're willing."

"What's it supposed to do?" Cade asked.

"It might allow you some REM sleep. Cade, you really need some deep slumber."

He nodded, then gazed at Annie. "What do you think?"

"Worth a chance."

He smiled. "What the hell? Can't be much worse than Tricin. Sure Turner, shoot me up."

Dr. Morgan took Annie's hand as Turner injected a faint green liquid into the IV. For ten minutes the men bantered. Then Cade's tone faded. After another five minutes, he was stilled.

Robert placed electrodes on Cade's temples. "We'll know soon enough if he can hit REM sleep."

"And if he can't?" Annie asked.

Dr. Morgan stood beside Cade, taking his pulse. "Then I don't know what more we can do for him."

Annie joined the doctor, lightly holding Cade's fingers.

After thirty minutes Cade drifted back to consciousness, then Turner increased the dosage of Philantrom. Annie watched for another fifteen minutes, but her husband didn't reach REM sleep. As Turner increased the dose, Annie left, finding Bill and Drew in the cafeteria. They spoke of Drew's plan to leave the facility for a weekend in Larkin. Annie squeezed their hands, then sipped her water. "I'm so happy for you."

Drew sighed. "Maybe I should stick around here, see how he does."

"Either he'll really sleep or he won't. Don't wait on his account."

"Annie, maybe we'll be here for you," Bill said.

"Oh, well uh..." She looked at the door, wishing Turner or Dr. Morgan would step through.

"Shall I go check on him?" Bill asked.

Annie nodded. "Thank you."

He kissed her head, then stood from table. Annie smiled, watching Bill's slow steps toward the door. "That was nice of him."

Drew took her hands. "Are you sure about this weekend?"

"Oh yes. Drew, please, this is important for you."

"Yeah, but you matter too. You and Cade both."

"We made love today," she smiled.

"Yeah?"

"Uh-huh. I just don't know what's going to happen. Before, that was unnerving. Now I don't know if this is worse, watching them put all these drugs into him, wondering about the results. Will they help, does it even matter?"

"He can't live without sleep."

"He can't live..." She cleared her throat. "Drew, there's something I want to ask you."

"What?"

She looked into the room, familiar faces and some she didn't know. She had been cloistered here for months, but detached, her circle so small. "If he can't, if he needs to, to..."

"To what Annie?"

Their eyes met; Drew's were stark. Annie looked at their clasped hands, then back to Drew's pale face. "If this doesn't help him, if he can't achieve REM sleep..."

She stared at their hands again. Both wore rings, married to partners they had committed their lives to in sickness and in health until death parted them. She looked at Drew. "I can't be with him for that. Can you?"

"What are you saying?"

"You know what."

He strengthened his grip, then removed his hands. "Oh Annie no, I can't, I..."

"It's all right. I'll ask Bill." She wished for his hands again, then reached for her cup. It was empty.

Annie looked up, seeing Bill and Dr. Morgan approach. "Here they come."

Drew turned as Annie stood. "Well, how is he?"

Dr. Morgan looked to have been crying. "He's awake, asking for you. The both of you."

Annie nodded as Drew stood with Bill's assistance.

Turner typed copious notes: _The patient did not respond to Philantrom, woke agitated and sweating. Blood pressure was elevated, heartbeat erratic. The patient calmed once family appeared. The patient has not achieved REM sleep in over two weeks, but somehow manages to exist. The patient..._ Turner tapped brusquely on the tablet. If he could, he would throw it across the room.

The patient was a man, with a name. He was Cade Walton, which to most Kezans meant nothing. To nearly all in the facility, he was a celebrity, maybe how he had lived on his home world. Cade's notes circulated from Turner's tablet into the mainframe, accessible to all paras and supervisors. But the rest knew he was married to Morse, that he was an off-worlder, had been rescued by Clemmons. He was going to be a father, but Turner didn't consider that in depth. The baby, Morse's baby... Turner tapped on the tablet, then stared at his report: _The patient, the patient..._ Cade Walton was fucked.

That's what Turner's great-great-great grandfather would simply note. Turner nearly smiled, thinking of his aged relative, still with cognitive thought, on his feet even. He was ancient, but Cade Walton was on his last legs. He was thirty-five, wouldn't see thirty-six. Probably wouldn't live long enough to hold his baby, Morse's baby. Turner thought of that fetus as Morse's, but hadn't always considered it hers alone. For a while, Turner thought Cade would beat this illness, this, this... agonizing affliction. When Turner signed the death certificate, the cause would read sleep deprivation due to torture.

Philantrom had been the last hope, an experimental drug only a few months into trials. Cade's non-reaction wouldn't count; he wasn't Kezan. Turner would keep the results in his personal logs. Someday another from that edge of the galaxy might arrive. Maybe all of Cade's information would be put to use then.

Turner read over his findings, then grimaced. Useless details, because no one was coming through that portal from Cade and Clemmons' world. Even if Turner lived as long as his great-grandfather, the chances of a successful transfer were nil. Burroughs had mentioned the recent breakdown in communications after another transfer had been stopped on the other end of the stream. Clemmons and Cade's illicit departure had ruptured the planets' already fragile relations. Nothing in the interim had repaired the fractures, not that Kezar needed that planet for anything. They were distanced physically and so far removed in their policies. Turner still couldn't contemplate how Clemmons had survived. As for Cade...

He stared at the tablet. Failed meds and spousal abuse filled Cade's dossier. What lay within Dr. Morgan's notes Turner couldn't fathom. Maybe it wouldn't have made any difference if he had insisted upon her presence as soon as the men arrived, at least not for Cade. For Clemmons, perhaps. Maybe, Turner thought, picking up the tablet, tapping. He read over his last sentence: _The patient..._

"The patient cannot continue to live without decent sleep," Turner muttered. He didn't type that, but couldn't ease it from his head either.

Annie sat on the exam table, looking at Cade in the seat across. His IV pole stood beside him, went everywhere he did, mostly for fluids, bolstering his slight appetite. Philantrom didn't provide deep rest, but afforded him short naps. As Hannah Saperstein made notes in her tablet, he looked wide awake, also pleased. At nearly eight months gestation, the baby was healthy, causing her mother more discomfort with each passing day.

Saperstein helped Annie from the table, then smiled. "So I'll see you in two weeks. I'll be away until then, but that will be my last break. After that, you could go into labor any time." She glanced at Cade. "We just want to be prepared."

He nodded, then stood, clasping the IV pole. "Guess my DNA adds a wrinkle to the whole thing."

"It's been a joy to be involved in this." Saperstein gave him a kiss, then hugged Annie. "So two weeks, be good!"

Annie led them from the room, waiting for Cade to stand at her side. They held hands returning to the immediate care ward, nodding at friends as they passed. When they reached Cade's room, Glenna waited inside.

"How's the baby?" she asked, a tablet in her hand.

"Fine," Cade said, getting into bed. Annie positioned the pole as he got comfortable.

"Good. Saperstein will be away for a short break, I suppose she told you that."

"Yes." Annie ran a hand over the baby. "But then she'll be here for the duration."

Glenna nodded. "I have some news, nothing major, but I wanted to tell you both. We received a transmission from your planet Cade, a request for your immediate return."

"Oh yeah?" he smiled. "What now?"

She tapped her foot, then looked at him. "It's your mother. Allegedly she's very ill."

He sighed. "Sure she is. What bullshit."

"We have no way of ascertaining the validity of this," Glenna nodded. "But I did want to tell you."

"They pull the same shit on Drew?"

"They said nothing about Clemmons. Only you."

"Well fuck 'em." He slammed his fist into the bed. "Goddamn motherfuckers!" He took a deep breath. "Tell them I got the message. You can also tell them..."

"We have already responded, asking if they could transport your mother here. So far we have not received a reply."

"Did you tell them about..." Annie paused. "They don't know about Cade's health, do they?"

Glenna shook her head. "All they know is that he's alive."

"If they write back saying they'll send her, tell them it's too late. Tell them..."

"What?" Annie asked.

He stared at her. "I don't want her here, not that they'd actually send her. They'd probably kill her mid-stream. But even if they did, I don't want her seeing me this way." He gazed at Glenna. "Promise me all right? I don't want her or my dad to see me like this."

His voice trembled, causing Glenna to sit. "Cade, oh Cade..."

"Promise me. No way in hell do I want them seeing me so fucked-up."

Annie took his hand as Glenna wiped stray tears. "Whatever you want. I'll let you know if we hear anything in response." She stood, then cleared her throat. "I'll go check now. Doubtful they would have answered already, but..."

Cade nodded, then smiled. "They're not getting the satisfaction outta me."

After Glenna walked through the door, Annie sat on the bed. "Do you think she's really ill?"

"No. Mom's one of those health nuts. She'll outlive us all."

"Like Dirk Turner?"

"Something like that."

Annie caressed his face. "Is she going to outlive you?"

He laughed, placing his hand on hers. "Annie, two weeks and Saperstein will be back."

"Uh-huh."

"In two weeks, once she's back here Annie. Is that all right? Once I know she's here for the rest of it."

Annie nodded. "I can't be with you."

"I know. I'll ask Drew. It's just so hard, right here." He set her hand on his chest. "I know I'm here with you, but when I close my eyes, even if you're right beside me, I'm back there, and it's so cold, so isolated. No matter how I try to put myself here, with you and her, it doesn't do me any fucking good." He stroked the baby. "I'd be damned not to see her, but Annie, I just, it hurts to breathe."

Annie laid her head on Cade's chest, just to the side of the IV. "I'm sorry."

"Me too baby. Me too."

"Does it hurt now?"

"No, not really."

"You're a bad liar."

He smiled. "How do you know?"

"I can feel it." Annie's stomach rolled, a fiery pit that burned not with heat, but ice. "Are you cold now?"

He nodded. "Annie, maybe, I mean..."

"You don't have to wait two weeks."

"What?"

"This baby isn't going anywhere."

"And how do you know that?"

She buried her face into his side, noting the chill. "I'll talk to Drew. If he can't..."

"Ask Bill. Or Glenna, but not Turner. I don't want him there."

"All right."

"And Annie?" He stroked her side, then ran his hand though her hair. "Will you promise me something?"

"Anything."

"I want you to sign your name again someday. I don't want our daughter growing up without a father. Promise me Annie, promise me."

She flinched, then stared at him. "Are you serious?"

"Of course. Promise me that and I'll sleep in peace."

"I can't make that sort of promise, that's, that's..."

"It's not blasphemy or any such shit. I know how much love lives inside you, and I don't just mean our baby. I do not want all that beauty lost Annie, I don't want it wasted. And I don't want her living with some ghost of a father she can't touch, can't experience. Not that I want you signing your name anytime soon," he smirked. "But once she's old enough to remember, I don't want the two of you living alone. Promise me Annie, promise me this one thing."

"No."

He sighed. "All right then, lie to me. Tell me you'll get married again, okay?"

"You're crazy!"

"Yes, I'm crazy, I'm a screwed-up basket case! We're talking about my death. Neither of us will say it, but the bottom line is they fucked me over to the point of no return. And now we're standing on that edge, and all I wanna know before I step over is that you'll let somebody else love you. For God's sake Annie, just tell me that, okay? Just tell me, please?"

She reached for his face. "Cade, I, I..."

"Honey, I just wanna know you'll keep an open mind."

"An open mind."

"An open mind. That's all."

She nodded despite herself, then flung her arms around him, hearing him ask her again. "For God's sake Annie, please."

She sat in her room alone. Sharon and Robert had offered, so had Dr. Morgan. Annie had smiled, then shaken her head.

She spoke to her daughter about Cade; how they met, how miserable he looked. How despite her usual professional objectivity, she loved him as soon as she sat beside him, holding his cold, shrunken hand. That hand was cool for ages, but as it warmed, Annie watched for signs that he could hear her, sense her presence. Those moments were slight in the beginning, but increased as Cade breathed unaided, as his body temperature stabilized. Then his first words, about her breasts, and she giggled. He said she had enormous... tits. She had never heard that word, would never forget his stunned but blissful tone.

The knock was soft and Annie stood. "Yes?"

Drew opened the door. "Hey."

She nodded. "Is he..."

Drew approached with open arms. "He was so peaceful, just fell asleep."

"Did one dose, was it enough?"

"Bill gave him two, just in case. But I think one would've sufficed."

She nodded, brushing tears along his shirt. "How, I mean..."

"Bill held him, I was across." Drew smiled. "He had Bill drape his hair over him, said it would remind him of you."

"Really?" She pulled away. "Oh Drew, I want to see him."

"Glenna's with him now, Connie too. They didn't want him to be alone."

Annie looked around the room, then grabbed Drew's hand. "Are you all right?"

"I don't know actually. But he'll get all the rest he needs."

She nodded. "Did he, did he say anything?"

They reached her door, but Drew stopped, caressing her face. "He said he made you promise him something. Didn't say what it was, but that we were supposed to remind you of it."

"Uh-huh." Then she sighed. "Did he say anything else?"

"That if his parents ever make it through to tell his dad that he loved him. Then he mentioned his mom, and then, then he..."

Annie kissed Drew's cheek. "It's okay."

"He said he loved me, told me thanks for bringing him here. He told us to watch out for you and her." He stroked the baby. "Then he closed his eyes."

Silence swirled around them, then was punctured by the usual hum of the facility. Annie took Drew's arm, then stepped from her room. He closed the door, leading her to the elevator.

Chapter 18

In Burroughs' office, Annie tapped her foot, smoothing her blouse over an enormous belly. The baby's movements were slight; Annie was two weeks out from delivery. The timing, she considered; her baby would arrive in a matter of days and Cade's father was due any moment. Annie waited for Burroughs' knock. Once Harlan Walton reached mid-stream, then Annie would leave for the portal.

"Are you all right?"

Annie looked to the doorway. "Oh yes, uh-huh. Any news?"

Drew cleared his throat, then stepped in. "So far, so good."

"Will Bill be with us?"

Drew nodded. "I talked to him a minute ago, he's on his way." Drew laid a hand on the baby. "Are you both okay?"

Annie smiled. "Yeah, fine." She looked again to the door, then sighed. "Have you seen them yet?"

"Not yet, but it takes extra time. Don't worry, they'll be here."

"I know, I know." She wanted to sit, but standing again would be difficult. Instead she rocked on her heels. "I just want her to be here. Maybe I should have waited with them."

"You would've driven them nuts." Drew smiled, then kissed her cheek. "That's why I came here. I was getting too antsy."

"I wonder what he looks like, I wonder..." She wiped a few tears. "I know Cade looked like him, but still..."

"I didn't pay enough attention to know if they shared a close resemblance. Cade never said much to me."

"He just said that he looked like his dad, or more like him than his mother. We don't know if she's coming or..."

"Glenna didn't say."

Annie smiled, then ran a hand along Drew's face. "Sometimes you still call her Glenna."

"I probably always will."

"She likes that, you know."

Drew chuckled. "I know."

Footsteps approached and Annie walked to the door. Glenna Burroughs wore a solemn face. "He's halfway through."

Annie's knees knocked, then she straightened up, taking Drew's hand. "Have you seen them yet?"

"Just heard from security. They're on their way, will meet us there. Morse, don't worry. She'll be there."

"Escorts and everything," Drew added.

Annie squeezed his fingers. "Well, okay then." She took one slow step, then another. "Let's not be late."

Annie stood at Drew's side, Bill behind him. Next to Annie were family, having arrived a few moments after she stepped into a space where Cade's father should emerge. Painstaking negotiations had prefaced Harlan Walton's travel through the portal. Annie hadn't expected it, false starts leading to last-minute cancellations. Tapping her foot, she still wasn't certain anyone would step through. She squeezed hands; Drew's was clammy, the other was strong. Annie looked at Drew, then kissed his cheek. "Are you okay?"

"Feel like I could hyperventilate."

"Just breathe honey," Bill said.

"Aren't you supposed to tell me that?" Annie smiled.

Bill laughed. "I'll tell you both."

Annie released Drew's hand as Bill's arms came around his husband. Annie gazed at Burroughs across the way, standing nearest the portal door. Others loitered, government officials waiting to address Harlan Walton, the first diplomatic exchange between the planets in decades. Representative Walton would meet with his Kezan counterparts, but that would be after he spoke to his son's widow. Long after Annie and Cade's father shared conversation, then Harlan would talk with Kezan politicians.

As Drew took deep breaths, Annie did the same, partly due to that hypnotic rhythm, also to ease her racing heart. Warm hands lay on the baby, grasping Annie's fingers, and she closed her eyes, imagining Cade beside her; she still did that at times. If Cade was there, he would facilitate the initial exchange; would he have run to his dad, or hung back? Their relationship had been frosty before Cade was imprisoned. Yet one of the last things he said to Drew was to tell his father he loved him. Annie held that message, wanted to give it away.

"The transfer's nearly complete."

"Here we go." Glenna cleared her throat, then cracked her knuckles. Annie caught her eyes, moist and blinking. Then Annie gazed at the rest; all looked near tears. Annie swallowed, then tapped her foot. One deep breath was taken, the exhalation lengthy. As she inhaled again, the portal's hum increased, then stopped.

Silence filled the room, broken by Burroughs' footsteps. As the portal door opened, Annie bit her lip, then clasped Drew's shaking hand. Then she gripped the one beside her, all watching an old man slowly step from the cylinder. Burroughs made the formal welcome, but the man scanned the room, settling on Annie. She wasn't sure if it was her large size or the child beside her. Cade's daughter looked just like her father, and as Annie blinked tears, just like the grandfather heading their way.

What Cade would have looked like, Annie allowed, if he had lived longer than thirty-five years.

Their first glances spoke more than any words. Annie stared at Cade's eyes and smile. Harlan Walton's smile was just like his son's, like Annie's seven-year-old daughter. A grandfather's thin hair was white, but Annie's long blonde tresses fell across Jennifer Morse Walton's back. The little girl stayed close to her mother, but Annie set a reassuring hand on her shoulder. "We're so pleased to meet you," Annie said, trying to halt tears. Then she laughed and sobbed. "Oh we're so glad you're here!"

She fell into aged arms, a sideways embrace due to her baby. Harlan grasped her with one arm, the other around Jennifer. Annie wept and giggled, then pulled back, wiping her face. "I'm Annie and this is Jennifer. Honey, this is Grandpa Walton."

"Oh my God!" Harlan gasped, then slowly knelt in front of Cade's daughter. "You look just like him, well, except for your hair." He set a hand to her face, then kissed her forehead. Then he looked at Annie. "Does she, I mean..." He stared at his grandchild. "You're named for your grandmother."

"I know. Why isn't she here?"

Drew helped Harlan stand. "They only sent me. But she wanted to come, she really did." Harlan looked at Drew, then to the tall man at Annie's side. "She wanted to meet you all but..."

Annie nodded. "We're just so glad you made it through." She gripped his trembling hands, then looked at Drew. "Mr. Walton..."

"Please call me Harlan."

"Harlan, this is Drew Clemmons."

The men faced each other, Bill at Drew's side. "This is Drew's husband, Bill Dillion." Annie smiled as Drew extended his hand.

Harlan pulled him close. "Oh Christ, thank you! Thank you for..."

More sobs emerged as Drew and Harlan embraced. Jennifer asked her mother if they were all right and Annie nodded, turning to her spouse, seeking comfort.

In the plush reception room, Annie sat between her husband and Cade's father. Jennifer had Harlan's other side, Drew and Bill across. Burroughs took notes as Annie and Harlan spoke, while Acton Lowery rubbed his wife's shoulders, or answered one of Harlan's questions if Annie or Drew couldn't talk. Acton knew all about Cade Walton and Drew Clemmons, but as the rest learned what occurred after the men's departure, Acton focused on his wife and daughter. Annie seemed pleased by Harlan's news, that Cade's disappearance had sparked a great movement. Jennifer just wanted to know when she could go through the portal to meet her grandmother.

"It's going to be a while," Harlan told her, then hugged her again. "But as soon as we can make it happen, I promise we'll be waiting on the other side, just like you waited for me today."

Jennifer sighed. "How long will it take? I'm already seven!"

"Hopefully not too long. We'll just have to see."

She folded her arms, then smiled. "Well, while I wait, I'll draw lots of pictures for her, and you too." Jennifer pulled two from her back pocket. "You can take these; Momma had me draw one of myself, and one of where I live. She said you don't have domes back there, what's that like?"

Harlan smiled as Annie stood, stretching. "Jenn, I think it's time now."

"But, but..."

Harlan looked pained as Acton stood, kissing his wife, leading Jennifer from her chair. "There's lots for the adults to talk about Jenn."

"But I promise I'll see you before I go." Harlan joined them, bending over as his granddaughter hugged him.

Acton left the room, Jennifer's eager voice wafting behind her. Annie approached Cade's father, then smiled. "She's been waiting for this day, those pictures are months old."

Harlan looked at them, then sighed. "We never thought we'd get this chance, that I'd get this chance."

Burroughs cleared her throat. "Perhaps this will initiate further contact."

"I doubt it." Harlan looked at Drew. "Great pressure has stirred due my son's death, well, his initial abduction. But I don't want her going there, any of you." He looked to the door. "It won't be safe for her for a long, long time."

"Because of where she's from?" Bill asked.

"Because of who she is. They'd kill Cade's offspring before letting her through the stream."

Harlan plopped into his seat, then looked at them all. "I'm here as an appeasement. Demands were becoming too strong, all Cade's doing."

"What will you tell them?" Annie asked.

He gazed at her. "That he's dead, not that all will believe me. I won't say anything about Jennifer."

"Why not?" Bill asked.

"To save her. If either side knew he had a child, I wouldn't be sure of your well-being."

Again he glanced at the drawings. "Tell her I took them, I'd hate to disappoint her. It'll be enough to tell my wife she looks just like Cade."

Annie nodded, then stared at the door, Acton stepping through. "Is she all right?" Annie asked him.

"She's fine. Really wants to see you again before you leave."

Harlan smiled. "I'd like that too." Then he looked at Drew. "Your name has been kept out of it. I suppose the opposition doesn't want any more ammunition. But I can take a message to your family if you wish."

Drew shook his head. "Other than I'm alive, I don't know what they'd wanna hear. Maybe not even that."

"How are relations between gays and the government?" Glenna asked.

Harlan sighed. "It's a precarious path. Homosexuals aren't afraid anymore, haven't been for several years. They're still not accepted, but Cade's friend, that actor Marshall Willoughby, he leads the homosexual faction. He's too famous for them to attack, especially after what they did to my, my..."

Annie reached for the old man's hands. "He wanted you to be proud of him, he wanted to do something that mattered."

Harlan nodded. "And he died in the process. Goddamn bastards killed my son!"

The room was still, then Drew stood. "I'm sorry sir, I didn't mean to..."

"No, Mr. Clemmons, you brought him here, gave him a few more years. Jennifer wouldn't be here if not for you!"

Harlan stood, then took Drew by the shoulders. "You gave my son peace. They would've murdered him and I never would've known anything. But I'll leave here with more than just information. I can tell my wife our son was loved, fathered a beautiful little girl, and while I never expect to see her again, maybe someday, long after I'm gone, she'll step foot on a part of her heritage, maybe they'll allow that. I won't be there to see it, but perhaps Jennifer will make it through, all because of you Drew. All because of you."

Then Harlan smiled, turning to Annie. "And you of course."

Annie nodded, crying in Acton's arms.

As Annie, Acton, Drew, and Bill left the room, officials took their places. Annie asked for some lunch, and they met Jennifer and Sharon in the cafeteria. Not much was said around Cade's daughter, who spent her lunchtime drawing pictures for her grandpa. Drew couldn't watch that, wondering where those papers would land; maybe in Glenna's office, maybe the garbage.

Jennifer thought her paternal grandfather was a nice man, but older than she had imagined. He looked as old as Grandpa Morse, she said, but not as old as Grandpa Lowery. Acton joked that his father was much younger than Harlan and Gale, but Jennifer didn't appreciate those details. She asked if she would ever see where her father was from, and Acton said maybe. She called him Daddy, but referred to Cade that way too. Drew wasn't bothered by the duality. Since she was three years old, the only real father Jennifer knew was Annie's husband.

They had met when Hannah Saperstein left the facility. Acton was another reproductive specialist, assigned to check on Annie while she carried Drew and Bill's child. She had jumped at the chance to assist, was surrogate for Drew's two sons. Those boys were at home in Larkin and Drew couldn't wait to see them that evening, children he had never wanted previously. Cade's death had changed his mind.

Annie hadn't wanted to honor the promise Cade had exacted. Now she was days out from having Acton's baby, a boy. Acton wasn't sure he wanted to assist with the delivery. He wanted to be a regular father in the labor room, but Annie teased he would muscle Robert out of the way at the last minute. Drew thought about that conversation, just a week ago, something to keep their minds from this event. Now Harlan had arrived, soon he would depart. He wouldn't take his granddaughter's handiwork, and Drew stared at Jennifer, busy with her crayons. Paper had been produced just for this occasion; otherwise Jennifer drew on a tablet like all other children. Yet Jennifer Walton wasn't exactly like other youngsters. She and one of Drew's boys were half-Kezan.

Drew's eldest son Anthony would never step foot through the portal. Drew's parents would never learn of their grandchildren, he wanted no message sent. They probably wouldn't believe anything he wrote to them, and even if they accepted it, only pain would emerge, what Drew felt overshadowed everything that day. Jennifer wouldn't be aware for ages that her careful drawings hadn't reached her grandmother, a woman Jennifer would probably never meet. Maybe she was the only one impervious to the bittersweet nature of this visit, Drew wondered.

Bill's long sighs sounded like Acton's, men not directly involved, but included due to whom they loved. Drew wanted this day to end, wanted Annie to have her baby, hers and Acton's. Drew still wanted his past to vanish; he wasn't Kezan, yet would never go home. Nearly ten years after stepping from the portal gripping Cade's fading frame, Drew still recalled the odd sense of Bill's hand on his face. A fractured history never left Drew; he remained an enigma.

But a few pieces had been resolved. Gays weren't openly persecuted anymore, and Marshall Willoughby was leading them. Drew smiled, thinking how pleased Cade would be that Marshall had stepped from obscurity to continue the fight.

"Jenn, I think it's time for us to go."

"Oh Daddy, I'm not done yet!"

Acton stood, then kissed the top of Annie's head. "Finish that one, then we'll go say goodbye to Grandpa."

"Okay."

Drew joined Annie's husband. They said nothing, watching the little girl scribble with delight while her mother dabbed her own face with a handkerchief.

Jennifer never noticed that her grandfather didn't tuck those drawings in his jacket. Annie had given them to Acton, who passed them to Burroughs. Annie would retrieve them later.

After the baby, maybe long after. Her son kicked gently and Annie wept with each soft tap, not much room left for him. Then Annie wiped her face as Jennifer released her smiling grandfather, running back to the only daddy she knew. Annie hadn't meant to fall in love again. At first she allowed it was her pregnant state, full of Drew and Bill's first child. That had colored her feelings toward the man who had delivered that infant. As months passed, Annie couldn't deny deeper sensations, ones that led her to Acton's arms, then his bed. Then to a wedding which included vows stated, names signed. Jennifer had accompanied them, watching her mommy and daddy write, then circle their names. Annie pointed out where she and Cade had made the same commitment, also Drew and Bill. As Annie approached Harlan, she smiled; those relationships never would have happened if not for this man's son.

"Thank you for coming," she warbled, again tears falling. She felt grateful, also wary, but not that someone would follow Harlan Walton, seeking to cause damage. The damage remained in the pleasure and pain Annie couldn't untangle.

Harlan kissed her cheek, then brought her as close as the baby allowed. "I love you. Thank you for taking care of my son." He pulled away. "And my granddaughter too." He patted the baby. "Good luck with this little one."

Annie nodded, then stumbled backwards into her husband. Acton's grip eased her discomfort, but a storm raged within her. Forcing a grin to her lips, Annie waved, caressing a baby she wanted in her arms. Maybe with Acton's son in her grasp, the ache wouldn't be so awful.

Harlan received one last hug from Drew, then from Burroughs. Then he stepped into the portal as his granddaughter waved wildly, calling his name.

The hum reverberated in Annie's head, vibrating along her body. Then it ceased. Harlan Walton was gone.

Acton led Jennifer from the room, but Annie lingered. "How long before we know he made it back?"

"Another two minutes," Burroughs said, squeezing Annie's hand.

"Did you learn a lot?"

Glenna nodded. "More than we imagined."

"Good or bad?"

"A mix. I'll give you a thorough briefing when you're ready."

Annie smiled, wiping tears. "Might be a while."

"Plenty of time Morse. There's no rush."

Annie nodded, then was embraced by Bill, followed by Drew. That hug continued as Annie released a wave of tears, some of which calmed her throbbing heart. As Drew pulled away, she wiped his wet face. "Are you okay?"

"It hurts, God, so far down. I didn't expect that."

She nodded, looking at Bill. "We'll never see him again."

"I know. But that's good. I uh, I..." Drew stammered.

"He looks just like him," Bill said.

"He does. Oh Drew, Bill!" Annie began to wail.

"He's through," a technician called.

"Thank god," Burroughs sighed.

"Thank who?" Drew said.

Glenna stepped their way, pulling Annie close. "Your god, Cade's god. That's who brought that man here, brought you all here."

Annie nodded, then stroked her baby. "He just looked so much like him!" She moved from Glenna's grasp. "All he could have been they stole from him, from us. From me," she gasped. "They destroyed him and for what? Because he spoke his mind, told the truth?" She pointed at Drew. "They would have ruined you if you'd had to stay there any longer, but why? What reason permits the destruction of anyone, Kezan or not?"

She looked at her belly, then again to Drew. "Your sons are safe, my children are safe. But how many did they persecute, probably still are? I don't care what Harlan says has changed or what Marshall Willoughby can do, it's going to be years, decades, no different than this planet. They devastated it, and we live here, pretending everything is fine. But we'll never step outside, never feel the sun or rain. This planet will never sustain actual life and neither will..."

"Someday Annie, someday."

She stared at Bill. "Are you serious?"

He shrugged. "Cade's father stood in this room, we all saw him. And now he's back there."

"For how long?" Annie sniffed.

"Not long," Drew said, coming to her side. "He's very sick, that's why they let him through. Harlan doesn't have long to live."

"What, how do you know that?"

"He told me Morse, after you all left." Glenna joined Drew. "That's one reason they permitted this journey. A few diplomatic measures too, but mostly because he's dying. He just wanted to see where his son had gone."

Annie gazed at the portal. "But why did they have to go through at all?"

She would have fallen except for Drew's quick catch. He led her from that room, to the immediate care ward, where Acton waited.

Drew turned off the light, staring at his sleeping sons. Four-year-old Anthony and two-year-old Cory looked like their genetic mother, but Tony had Drew's fair coloring, while Cory sported Bill's darker hair. Drew kissed them, then closed their door.

Bill waited in bed, reading. Drew sat beside him, then nestled into his husband as the tablet went to the nightstand. "They fall asleep okay?" Bill asked.

Drew nodded. "How's Annie?"

"Acton said she's sleeping. They're going to keep her overnight, but he thinks she'll be fine to go home in the morning."

"It's going to take time for her to put this aside."

"It will take a long time, I mean, the baby will help. The baby might make all the difference."

"They just looked so much alike. Harlan seemed like he might have just days left." Drew kissed Bill, then sat up. "But at least he saw Jennifer. His wife won't, but he did."

Bill turned off the light, then rolled toward Drew. "And what about you?"

Drew sighed. "Annie was right about Cade."

"Yeah?"

"He was ruined for nothing."

"He brought you both here."

"Is that worth his death?"

"He would have died regardless. Drew, every day I give thanks for you and our sons."

Drew chuckled. "Who do you thank?"

"Whoever's listening."

"I see."

"Honey, what happened to you both was appalling, sadistic, absolutely without merit except for who I'm holding in my arms, for the boys sleeping in the next room. How do you qualify those intangibles? Or not intangibles, but unexpected occurrences, inexplicable events. Your god seems pretty good at covering those bases. Maybe he really does exist."

"But why..."

"No buts. Why can't I feel rain on my face? Who knows? But you're here beside me, and while Annie's got a lot to process, so did you. Who took the boys to play group yesterday? Who stood beside me at the store..."

"I get it," Drew smiled.

"Honey, maybe Jennifer will never go back there, or maybe one day Tony will go with her. Maybe one of these days old Dirk Turner will die. Probably not, he will probably outlive all of us. Maybe he'll even step outside one day. But Drew, tonight, we're here, our sons are asleep. They're sleeping."

Bill's soft chuckle made Drew ache. "I love you."

"I love you too. Come here."

They snuggled under the blanket until Drew sat up. "What do you think will happen?"

"To who?"

"To us, I mean, when one of us is gone?"

"I suppose we'll go wherever Cade went."

"Yeah?"

"Drew, this heaven of yours. It's big enough for everyone, right?"

"Sure."

"Well then I bet Cade's waiting for us. His dad's going to be with him soon enough. They can wait together. You don't think there are any domes there, do you?"

Drew smiled. "Probably not."

"Good. I want to feel rain in heaven." Bill tugged on Drew's arm. "I want to feel that and you. Someday Drew I'll have it all."

"Someday," Drew mumbled, scooting down in the bed. "Someday I'm sure."

_______________

### Liner Notes

The idea for this story hit me in August 2011 after visiting The National Mall; I was suffering from a bad head cold and not looking forward to hours spent on a plane. But what I vividly recall when plotting out this novel are Herman Cain and Michele Bachman's views on waterboarding (both supported it in autumn of 2011 while running for the Republican presidential nomination), combined with a dream about a device transporting people through space. By autumn, even with another novel looming for NaNoWriMo, I had to start this book, but time was squeezed. My husband was preparing for thyroid surgery, and while I managed to get fifty thousand words written by the end of November, this novel lingered, eventually becoming my fortieth completed manuscript.

_For God and Country_ weaves literary fiction and sci-fi among two love stories. But what I wanted to convey most was the sense of lives squandered, both in what Drew had to deny, and what Cade suffered. Which man endured more is open for debate; I imagined their situations while walking around _The Lincoln_ and _Vietnam Veterans Memorials_. America was founded on the ideal of all men created equal, yet even today that notion seems thin on the ground for some citizens. That two presidential contenders advocated the use of waterboarding also stymies; perhaps we are years away from rational thought prevailing in the continuing struggle for human rights. When Annie falls apart after Harlan Walton's departure, pregnancy hormones could be to blame, or just the pervading reality of heartless brutality lingering on Cade and Drew's home world, laws still enacted in some places on this planet.

For their editorial assistance I want to thank Julie K. Rose, Lisa Eckstein, and Kate Krake. Julie designed the fabulous cover as well. Music inspires each of my novels, and this one carries special meaning; my daughter Jay offered Death Cab For Cutie and Mumford & Sons' latest albums alongside The Submarines' "Peace and Hate" from Jenn Sandoval. My heartfelt appreciation goes to The Usual Suspects, especially to my husband for taking me along on a business trip to Washington D.C. We were days away from the unveiling of the _Martin Luther King, Jr. Memorial_ , but _The Three Soldiers_ statue and the _Vietnam Women's Memorial_ provoked deep considerations, as well as the _Vietnam Veterans Memorial Wall_. This novel is a testament to the continued struggles for human dignity regardless of sexuality, faith, or ethnicity.

### About the author

Anna Scott Graham was born in 1966 in Northern California. A mother to several, she lives in the San Francisco Bay Area with her husband and numerous hummingbirds.

Other ebooks by  Anna Scott Graham are available on Smashwords.
