-What else did do you in Berlin?
-Well, the main thing I learned
in our Berlin escapades
is that you don't want to
go to a sex club
on a Monday night, Seth.
-Okay, gotcha.
-Yes, and I guess --
maybe you do.
Because the big night for
a sex club is a Sunday night.
-Interesting.
-Which you know.
Yeah, you know this.
-I would not have
thought a Sunday.
[ Laughter ]
Sunday sounds worse than Monday.
-Yeah. Yeah.
I guess that it does.
[ Laughter ]
-I mean, like -- I would want to
go Monday
to, like, get over having
like a case of the Mondays.
-Oh, right. I see. I learned
a lot about you in this moment.
[ Laughter ]
-Yeah.
-Yeah, and I know you
pretty okay.
-Yeah.
-So that was telling.
-So you went to a sex club
in Berlin on a Monday?
-Yeah, yeah. And so --
-What's the scene like
on a Monday?
-I'm gonna tell you
all about it.
[ Laughter ]
And so -- first,
in the first place --
-First place?
-Everybody is like --
Well, in the first place,
everybody was like,
you know, don't go.
Please don't go on a Sunday.
You're not gonna see our city
at its best.
The real rampaging --
-Oh, so they were not against
you going to a sex club.
It was really just about
the day you were going.
-Yeah, because, you know,
I'm a tourist.
-Yeah, yeah.
-And so, then --
then, they were like,
"But if you're gonna go,
if you insist --"
I said I have very limited time.
I got to see the sights,
get in and get out.
I have very limited time.
"If you're gonna go,
you have to go at 1:00 a.m."
I said, "Listen, baby, Shirley
Temple makes the laws, not me.
When she started showbiz
way back when,
everything in showbiz starts,
you know, at like 4:00 a.m.
for no reason."
I don't know why it doesn't
start at noon,
but the junket starts so early,
we had to go hit the club
by like 10:00 latest.
So, first to kill time, we went
and we ate a nine-course meal,
which you don't want to do
before a sex club.
[ Laughter ]
If you're jet-lagged,
you don't want to --
two things you don't do
at a sex club.
You don't go jet-lagged.
Three things.
You don't make eye contact.
[ Laughter ]
And you don't sit on anything.
But, so, we went.
We ate all kinds of --
-I'm assuming
a heavy German meal.
-Heavy, veal,
venison, vegetables.
-Sex foods.
-Yes, sex foods.
[ Laughter ]
You got to get in the sex zone.
And then, we were very tired.
I can't believe that they even
let us in
because our expression was
basically like, you know,
"Not tonight, honey."
-Right.
-That was pretty much
what we were saying.
-Yeah, and that's not the vibe
you want in your sex club.
-And but they were like,
"It's a Monday.
Who else are we letting in?"
[ Laughter ]
"It's a Monday at 10:00."
So we get in.
And then, the first thing is
they take your cellphone,
which is very violating,
right away.
-Sure. But I understand
the logic behind it.
-Kind of. But also, what else
are you doing as a sex tourist?
You know what I mean?
[ Laughter ]
So then, they did that.
Then, even the bigger crime,
they wanted my blazer.
Which you know,
I love having a blazer on.
-Yes.
-Because it's a good --
it's a barrier.
It's a good wall to have.
And then --
-Why did they want your blazer?
-I guess, I don't know.
To do, like, sex stuff
in the back?
[ Laughter ]
-Do you think somebody violated
your blazer?
-I don't know.
I don't know what they did with
my phone.
I don't know what they did with
my blazer.
I don't know
any of these people.
I don't know what they do.
-So you walk in and it's --
-So I walk in,
and maybe six people, max.
-Okay, doesn't seem like a lot.
-Mostly what there is, which I
don't have any of -- do you? --
is, like, black light.
-Sure.
-You know, sex art, neon.
-Uh-huh.
-And then, Danielle had one of
the great ideas,
which is an app for your phone,
which would show you
everything in the room.
[ Audience ohs ]
It's a big idea
that I just exposed.
But they had stolen our phones.
And then,
it's just techno people.
People love techno.
-Yeah.
-Six people dancing.
One person in a Hawaiian shirt.
No eye contact.
[ Laughter ]
You want to desperately avoid --
Marble statues.
Phallic marble statues,
which you don't see
as much of anymore.
Remember how much people used to
love marble statues.
-Yeah, it was a big thing.
So, if of the six people
you saw --
I don't want to individually
criticize any of them --
but if you rated them all
on a 1 to 10,
and then, added up those six
scores, what's the total number?
-Oh, I don't do
this kind of thing.
There is one woman who was a
real medium though I would say.
-Okay, got it.
[ Laughter ]
-Like, you know, and she was
just out there
in her, like, saggy jeans and --
[ Laughter ]
Don't talk about women that way.
All right?
[ Laughter ]
I'm gonna tell you right now.
Do not talk about women.
[ Cheers and applause ]
This woman, a 10 out of 0.
-Yeah, 10 out of 10.
-A nice, you know, a nice soft,
you know --
-Yeah. That's when --
you know, for me,
it's like get some veal,
Monday night, soft denim.
-Dancing!
Oh, such a great, great club
it was.
-Now, when you leave
the sex club without engaging --
this is an assumption of mine --
in the sex clubbery, did they
kind of look at you side-eyed?
Like, "Hey, that's --"
-Yeah, and in German, no less.
-Oh, yeah.
-But, yeah, you know,
we got looks.
You have to do --
the pool was thankfully closed.
-Yeah. Hopefully forever. Yeah.
-It's a very weird scene, Seth.
I got to be honest.
I mean, it's something
I'm glad I saw.
But I don't know why they put it
on their top 10 ideas.
Because it's a very --
it's a very --
And the next morning
was junket time.
-Yeah, yeah.
-And it was very much
like the season.
I know that
you have been texting me
that you've seen all the
episodes already, which I'm --
-I'm so caught up.
-I'm so blown away by.
Thank you so much.
-Of course, I watched them with
Michael Jackson's ghost.
-Michael Jackson, yes.
[ Laughter ]
The two of you are --
-We laughed.
-But, like, the morning after,
I mean, we stayed maybe
20 minutes max, you know?
'Cause like what's
the appropriate amount of time
to do sex clubbing when you're
just not down to ride?
[ Laughter ]
And the next morning
was just, like,
I thought we were all gonna be
together in the junket space.
But no.
-They separated you?
-They had separated us,
which was very much
like the new season.
And it was a very paranoid
junket experience
because I was like, "Danielle,
have you spoken about it?"
You know, has Jackie?
-Oh, right, you didn't know if
you were --
-So you're dropping
little sex hints,
waiting for the journalists
to pick up on them.
But you know, you've got to play
it cool in these situations.
You got to play it cool
so you don't get in trouble
with the law.
Yeah.
-Well, this is --
next time I go to Berlin,
I'm definitely going to do the
opposite of everything you did.
-Yeah.
[ Laughter ]
-It's always so great
to see you.
We've run out of time
to talk about your show
because of how much we promoted
German sex clubs.
[ Laughter ]
But it's a wonderful show
and I'm so glad it's back.
It's always so great
to have you here.
-Thank you so much.
Thank you.
-Natasha Lyonne, everybody!
Sixth season of
"Orange Is the New Black"
is streaming on Netflix.
