I never thought I would
say this but Kim Jong-un
up against Donald Trump is a strange situation
because you don’t know who the crazy person is
Kim Jong-un actually released a statement
the leader of North Korea,
he released a statement
saying Donald Trump is a psychopath
I can not work with him,
do you know how insane that is?
for him to send a message about Donald Trump
Where he is just
like, guys I am wild
But I mean I can’t , I don’t know
This guy
and Donald is crazy
People ask me all the time,
they go like Trevor come on
You are not being serious. I
meet South Africans they go like
Trevor come on man, Donald
can't be that crazy man hey?
Come on you gotta give him
a bit of credit, something
Guys, that guy is crazy
Then they be like, is he like
really that stupid in real life?
Then you like, yeah. Is he
stupid like Malema and them?
Then I am like no, guys, guys
Julius is smart, don’t play those games
I know people get tricked
by Julius Malema and Jacob
Those guys are smart
Especially Jacob Zuma, people get fooled by him
Because he’s got that cute vibe
Always giggling
 he, he, he, he
That guy is a master tactician
Look now, vote of no confidence
Survived again
People are shocked, how did he do it?
How did he do it? If you watch Days of Our
Lives he is the Stefano Dimera of this game
Everyday he wakes up looking
in the mirror going
Like sands through the hourglass
So are the Days
of Our Lives
 he, he, he, he, he
A lot of people make that mistake, I
have realized people make that mistake
You think our politicians are stupid
Maybe it’s because of how they speak,
maybe it’s because of how they sound
And Jacob Zuma’s smart
Jacob Zuma was the head of Intelligence
for the ANC during the struggle
Jacob Zuma started the chess team on Robben Island
A lot of people don’t know
that, he started the chess team
That’s why he is so good at
moving the cabinet around
Because he is a horse
Check
Donald Trump is not like that
One thing I will say
about Jacob Zuma
Catch him in a corner, ask
him anything about policy
That guy will rattle it off,
he may not know how to read
But he knows what he is talking about
Donald Trump has no clue
About any policy what-so-ever
He knows nothing about Geopolitics,
he knows nothing about his healthcare
Every time Donald Trump answers a question
you know he doesn’t know the answer
Because he answers it like he is a
contestant in one of his own beauty pageants
Because that’s how he answers it
Every time you see Donald Trump on T.V you
can see he is making it up as he is going along
They will be like, Mr. President can you
tell us about your healthcare roll out
and how preexisting
conditions are going be covered?
I know
We are going to have so much
coverage folks, the best coverage
All the coverage
I’m gonna get it, all of it
It’s gonna be so good, great
Some people even say, the best
But how is it going to work?
It’s gonna work, it’s just gonna work folks
It’s gonna work, it’s gonna be done
I am gonna do it
It’s gonna be done
And the people in South Africa
And Iraq and the countries
And health, and insurance
And we are going to do all
the things healthy, with the money
And also
 Thank you
Donald Trump is losing his mind
saying the craziest things
We're gonna build a wall
and Mexico is going to pay for it
I love how Mexico says,
we ain’t paying for shit man!
We might build your wall but
we ain’t paying for it man.
Stupid!
Donald Trump's just
doing his own thing
everything seems to be going wrong for him
now he's getting ready to start a war
launch a nuclear weapon
North Korea, they will know
fire and fury
fury and fire
Fast and Furious
Tokyo Drift
like no one's ever seen
this guy's gonna blow up the world people.
his not having a good time
I correct people all the
time, I go look man
say what you want about Jacob Zuma
he knows his policy
it doesn’t mean his getting things right
doesn’t mean he's doing the correct things
but he knows his policy
you can't say thy are the same
and say what you want about Jacob Zuma
but he knows how to handle his ladies.
Yeah.
He doesn’t have any problems there
Donald Trump walking around in public
his wife smacking his hand away
(smack)
In public, do you know
how embarrassing that was?
Donald Trump was there
trying to hold Melania's hand
She just slapped it away,
he tried to grab it and she
(smack)
and then the second time he tried to grab it
and she just did like a little thing
and everyone was like,
 are they okay?
are they fighting?
I was like yea, of course they’re
fighting they’re having a horrible time
a completely horrible time
you don’t even need to see the video of the
hands to know they’re having a bad time
I have had a theory for a long time
about Donald Trump and his wife
are not in a happy relationship
and I don’t want to start any
rumors but I have noticed this
I have noticed it in they’re speeches
every time Donald Trump or Melania speaks
it seems like they are
throwing shade at each other
they are giving a speech but they are
actually talking trash about the spouse
every time, all you have to do is listen
to the subtext of what they are saying
for instance, Melania Trump came out
She made a speech about her
platform as first lady in America
every first lady gets to choose what
they’re dream job is going to be
what they are going to be
doing to help the country
Michelle Obama says she is going to help
kids get healthy meals and workout
Melania Trump came out and
what does she choose?
she came out and nobody forced her
 and she was like
as first lady
I believe we need to fight
against the cyber bullying
all the people on twitter who
are saying the bad things
we need to stop them
we need to make sure they cannot
carry on what they are doing
I was like, do you know your husband lady?
and now I realize she was doing it on purpose
they were having a fight
she probably got home that night
dropped her keys on the table
Donald Trump was sitting in the living room
turned on the lights
Hi Melania
I saw what you said about me
on the news it was very
 not nice
Oh, Hello Donald
I didn’t see you sitting over there
I thought you were watching the cartoons
You know I was watching the news Melania
I watch all the news
fake news
so what are you going
to do about it Donald?
you want a war 
you’ve got a war
I’m gonna get you Melania 
you are going to pay
do your worst Donald
Oh it’s on
I am the best at worst
the next day he came out
gave a speech, what did he say?
We’ve got to get rid of
all these immigrants folks!
all these immigrants needs
to leave this country!
your move Melania
She went to a woman’s conference.
We need to stop sexual assault
the men who are grabbing the ladies
without the permission, we need to
I was like yo, you need to
sort your shit out at home man!
I remember the worst encounter I had with the
T.S.A was out here in Burbank, California.
Tiny little airport, I was flying
out and I was coming to New York.
And so I am in Burbank airport
and I go through security.
And for some reason I was beeping, I don’t
know why. I walked to the metal detector.
And I beep, go out, beep, go out, beep.
Every time I have to take something of when
I beep and the agent, he’s just losing it.
The whole time he’s like, “take it off, take it off”
And then the machine goes beep and he’s
like, “take that off, take that off!”
“take that off!”, and he’s like
getting more and more angry.
I am basically naked right now
and he’s losing it, losing it.
I felt like an under performing
stripper, it was horrible.
He’s like, “take that, no, ahhh!”
And finally he’s just like,
“get out here, get out here!”
So I walk to the side and he’s like,
“go ahead and put your hands up”
So I put my arms up.
Then he whipped out his little
metal, personal metal detector.
It looks like a midget sword,
but they call it the wand.
That’s what they call it, the wand.
So he whips that out.
Because that hundred thousand
dollar machine, that’s play, play.
Shit just got real.
So he looks at me and says: ”go ahead and stick
your hands up sir and keep them right there”.
So I put my arms up and he scans me
(Scanner)
“You got any, you got any metal objects on you?”
I was like
“then what was that for?”
“If you are going to ask me
anyway, then what was this?”
“The foreplay to my
honesty, what is this?”
And then as if he can’t do this
right, he calls for backup.
He goes, “I’m gonna need
you to wait right here”
“Can we get Velasquez, Velasquez to gate 10”
And he calls for a man, by the name Velasquez .
Who I am assuming was the
best wander that they had.
Because he wasn’t even on the floor
They called for him and Velasquez emerged
From the back offices of the T.S.A
And he walked out, and the energy changed.
People bowed their heads as he walk past.
Everyone gave him a little nod.
You could see he was special,
and he didn’t look it, he didn't look like much.
Velasquez was a little Mexican man.
Very long mustache, big chest.
And he was very short, really, really short guy.
But he didn’t feel short
He looked short but he didn’t feel
short, do you know what I mean?
Like he had this thing. You know those
short people that are so confident?
It looks like they just chose to grow low.
He had that energy.
So Velasquez walks down towards
where I am standing with my agent.
My guy tries to apologize, like,
“I don’t know what’s going on”
He silenced him with one move
of his hand like, “No, I go”
He stepped up and looked me in the eye. He’s like, “Sir”
“Spanish jibberish”
And I didn’t know what he was saying.
But I knew what he meant.
And so I stood there. I raised my arms.
And as I did, he whipped out his wand.
And he started using it all over me,
And as soon as he did,
I knew why he was who he was.
It was the most magical thing I
have ever come across in my life.
The way he wielded that wand was unlike
anything I have ever experienced.
I felt like I was being blessed, I
just stood there with my head down.
Because he went all over me,
just blessing me with his power.
It was something special. It was
almost like a force, an energy.
On the outside you still heard that beeping
 *beeping*
But in my head I heard a
lightsaber, that's what I heard.
*Lightsaber sounds*
Because he was, he was to me.
A little Mexican Jedi.
That’s exactly what he was,
he was my Mexican Jedi.
Which by the way I feel would be a welcome
addition to the Star Wars franchise.
I am a big fan, a huge fan of
Star Wars. I love Star Wars.
I was super excited when I found out they were
making another one. I was losing my mind.
I went back, watched all the movies.
And I came to realize that there’s no
Mexican Jedi’s. Not one Mexican Jedi.
Which is weird because when you look at it,
technically speaking. Technically speaking.
Star Wars is a vision of America.
In a distant future.
So
Surely it would be safe to say.
Judging by the current trajectory.
Of Mexican people in America.
I’m sure we would be
safe to say by that time.
In a galaxy far, far away.
There would be at least one, just one Mexican Jedi.
It’s not like it would spoil the story,
it could open up a whole new avenue.
Can you imagine how different that epic scene
between Luke and Darth could have been?
Them battling it out on the Death Star.
The moment of realization.
*Lightsaber sounds*
*heavy breathing* “Luke”
*Lightsaber sound* “what
do you want you evil man!”
*heavy breathing* “Luke”
*Lightsaber sound* “what
do you want from me!”
*heavy breathing* “No, look man, look”
“It’s your father, man”
But the pilots, the pilots are calm, they're
cool you know, you get into the air.
they start making useless announcements
that you don’t even care about,
just to give you that feeling
that he knows what he's doing
you get up there as the seat belt lights go
*sound of seat belt light*
"Ladies and gentlemen as you may have noticed
we have reached our cruising altitude"
"currently sitting at 23 000 feet above sea level."
"Cruising at about 720km an
hour in this Boeing 737"
"one of the favorite planes in the star _______________
_______________________"
"beautiful sunny day up here, we might
encounter a few bumps but nothing to hectic"
"the cabin crew will be taking care of you."
"In the front we've got Esmeralda and Jonathan
and in the rear Simon and Tsitseng and Verera."
"They will be taking care of you and if you
need anything, don’t hesitate to call."
"I'll let you know once we've begun
our descent,"
"until then please enjoy your
flight, thank you."
*sound of intercom switching off*
and you are like,
"Oh yeah, pilot
yeah!"
"my guy, my guy!
Pilot!"
It's cool, it's cool.
I just don’t like the fact that they never
let you know when something's gone wrong.
It freaks me out because they are trained
to keep you calm no matter what's going on.
and I noticed this because we hit turbulence,
coming into Johannesburg,
there where hectic storms.
and the plane started shaking, and you
know it wasn’t like calm turbulence
You know, its that turbulence where people's
knuckles get white when they are holding they're
you know, because you know people
try and act natural in the plane
They will be like *Humming*
and then they get to a
point where they like
and that point comes where like
everyone in the plane is panicking
everyone except the
air hostesses, they are amazing
I love how they do it, you know.
like you will hit the turbulence, you will be like
*sound of turbulence*
Things are falling, the bags are
hitting the sides of the compartments.
*sound of turbulence*
People are panicking except for the
hostesses, they just move through naturally.
It's freaky, its almost like the lower
half is not connected to the upper body
because they will just carry on,
 they will be like
"yes, yes
you guys"
"would you guys like some coffee?
Yeah, okay"
"there you go,
be careful its hot"
"thank you,
alright then."
"anything for you sir, huh?"
"Yeah, okay"
"okay then, just pass me an apple juice"
"alright, thank you very much"
"there you go, would you like some ice?
No ice, thank you."
I don’t know how they do it.
and then the pilot has the nerve to come on
in the middle of the biggest storm ever.
the plane is shaking, the wings
are tilting slightly upwards.
You think you are going to die, it's like
*sound of turbulence*
People are screaming, it's like
*sound of turbulence*
*intercom switching on*
*Sound of turbulence*
"Ladies and gentlemen, we have
encountered some slight turbulence.
"we ask that everyone return
to their seats at this point"
"and refrain from using the lavatory's"
"Please note we will be flying at a higher
altitude to alleviate the problem."
"also keep your seat belts fastened"
"and no hot drinks will be served
at this time for your safety."
Thank you very much and I
will speak to you in a moment
"once we have gotten out
of this bumpy patch."
Speak to you in a moment.
That moment might never come.
He doesn’t tell you this.
When the nation wide flight lost
an engine the pilot said nothing.
It just fell.
*sound of falling*
Quiet.
I don’t want a pilot like that, I
want someone who lets me know.
I want to know before I'm
going to die, I want to know
I want to say a prayer or two, I
want to prepare my self you know.
I want to forgive everyone
I hate in the world.
Give me a chance,
give me a chance.
But they don’t, pilots. No
they don’t.
Other people who die in plane
crashes don’t even know they’ve died.
Must be the worst feeling in the world.
There's like a whole bunch of confused
people popping into heaven like
*popping sound*
"I swear these airports
change all the time"
"I never know where to
go, I never"
I'm like, are we
are we in heaven?"
"Oh wow, I can't believe
we made it huh?
"Guys, I cant believe;
wow, this is amazing."
And there is Saint Peter
at the gates and he's like
"Come forward please,
 come forward."
"Come forward."
She's like,
"Who are you?"
"I am Saint Peter, Saint Peter."
"Uh, but you"
"Yeah, I know. Many people
are shocked, just come."
"I get that all the time, just come."
"Just come, just come."
"I just thought that."
"No, don’t worry. Just come please,
just wait till you see Jesus.
Come, come.
I don’t want that, I want someone to
let me know when I am going to die.
Like taxi drivers,
there is no person who died in a
taxi not knowing that they've died.
Just before the crash the
taxi driver will be like,
Yo!
*sound of taxi crashing*
People walking into heaven like,
"Yo, dead, dead, dead!"
Dead, yeah for sure, we're dead!"
"Gone, gone, gone, yeah!"
They know.
Sometimes they survive the crash
but they still think they are dead
Walking on the pavement.
"Dead, dead, dead, dead!"
"Yo, dead!"
Oh.
But luckily we did land
safely in Johannesburg.
We landed safely and everyone
clapped when the plane landed
Yay!
Clapped and walked into
the airport terminal building.
and that's the point when you realize
you are back in South Africa.
When you fly international.
and then when you land
at any of our airports
and if you listen carefully you
realize that you are back
Like South Africa once again, the
world went there and we where like
"No, no, we are going. We
going just that side."
Because all over the world they conform
to a norm and that is in airports
women make announcements.
It's always a woman, always.
and she's always calm
Always monotone.
Always comes over that system,
she sits in a room quietly.
they bring her the pages one by one.
You can be in Heathrow for instance you'll
hear that woman come on the system.
*PA system sound effect*
"Attention all passengers.
Please note this is an airport announcement.
No passengers are permitted
to leave any items unattended
as this may be seen
as a security risk.
Any unattended luggage will be removed by
security and destroyed.
Thank you."
*PA system turns off*
Everywhere in the world, even if you go
to like non-English speaking countries
they still conform to that norm.
You know you go to places like China where
you wouldn't expect it, you know?
You think and I see some of you probably thinking
there be like, *Stereotypical Chinese jibberish*
No, don't even laugh, that's racist
Don't even laugh.
Don't, hey!
Don't, no.
That's racist. You don't even laugh.
But they're not.
They're calm.
It's a woman, still the same.
She's just another language she'll come on
the PA like,
*PA system turns on*
"*Calm Chinese jibberish*"
*PA system turns off*
And you know,
you know they've conformed.
And then you land in South Africa.
And you know you've landed,
you know that your back home
when you walk into the
airport terminal building.
You walk in and I don't even know if
they audition the people who do it.
No, no, no.
It's almost like who ever is closest to
the mic gets to do it first, you know?
No, you go do it
It's the craziest thing!
Luckily 99 percent of
the time it's a woman
but she'll come on its the craziest thing
ever as your walking she'll come and be like
*PA system turns on*
"ATTENTION ALL PASSENGERS!
"ATTENTION ALL PASSENGERS!
HELLO!
HELLO!
I'm talking to you! Hello!
All the people that is flying
Kalula.com, the plane is delayed
They plane you should go on
to was two, now it’s three.
Yes, all the people must just take a ticket for
that plane and we won’t have a problem, okay.
Just to confirm if your ticket says
two it’s going to be three, okay
Just mustn’t complain when the plane
has left, I am telling you now
And you must just phone
the people to pick you up
You must tell them: my plane has changed
And then they start speaking to people the
background and they don't even turn off their mic!
"__________."
"__________."
"__________."
yes, chicken, chicken
___________________
___________________
___________________
"Okay."
"Okay all the people
that is flying one time
the gate has changed."
"It's not the D2 it's C15."
"It's not the D2 it's C15."
If you can go to D2, you can find nothing.
"Okay, bye bye."
"______________."
That's why I love coming home
I get to see the stories from a
different angle, I get to enjoy it all
I am so happy to be back but
everything has flipped on it’s head
Two years, you know guys going
away for two years is not a long time
and you come back to South Africa and
everything has flipped on it’s head
I went away for two years, I come back
and white people are on strike
I thought it was a Leon Schuster sketch
In the street, white
people, marching
and immediately you are like
these people have no experience
No experience what so ever
and white people I am not trying
to minimize your pain in any way
but I am just going to say
when watching it on the news
it doesn’t have the same gravity of the march
of black people and colored people
and Indian people in South Africa
because when people of color in South Africa
march you can see they want service delivery
when white people march it looks like
you are fighting for vitality points
it’s just not the same.
and then I saw white people got offended
because they said we are
going to launch a march
Zuma must go!
Zuma must fall!
We want him gone!
and then black people didn’t join
and white people are like
 why don’t they join us?
Yeah, why won’t they join hey?
because it’s racism
we are marching for this country and
they don’t want to march with us
because it’s racism that why
they don’t want to join us
No, guys, guys, guys,
guys, guys, guys
black people are not joining your
march it’s not because of racism
it’s because of rhythm
I saw white people
protesting and I was like
even if I was on your side
I can not participate in that
the best white marchers
South Africa had
was three old white ladies
who had the worst struggle song
I have ever heard in my life
sounded like a lullaby converted
into a struggle anthem
Zuma must go!
Zuma must go!
Zuma must go!
Zuma must go!
Zuma must go!
Zuma must go!
Yo, I can’t march to that guys
I don’t even know where to begin
you realize a march is
all about rhythm, right?
ten percent of every march is the
issue ninety percent is the beat
when black people march you need
to encourage others to join
along the way you need
to pick up stragglers
just some people who get into
the rhythm as you move past
some people are just there as you walk past
*People Striking*
People are joining.
People are joining.
It’s got power!
you realize, black people are
marching from Soweto to Pretoria.
you need a march that will move you
every stride has purpose in it
*People striking*
moving!
Zuma must go!
Zuma must go!
Zuma must go!
Zuma must go!
Zuma must go!
Zuma must go!
guys we are not even getting
to Craighall like that
No chance.
Marching with that song to Pretoria
by the time we get there
Zuma left by himself.
Chilling there in his house in Dubai
Laughing
*Zuma Laughing*
"Did they only arrive
just now"
I was watching white
people going but why?
Why you marching?
What you guys doing?
Hey, now you want to
do the hard work.
Just pay someone like usual.
This is when you should be paying.
Just get a professional, a specialist.
Just be there, "Johannes?"
"I have a lot of grudges with this country
and I have noticed that
you have impeccable rhythm
and so I would like to hire your services."
"I got you
what's your feeling?"
"I just want them to
know that Zuma must go"
"Okay, got it."
*Marching*
"That's what I wanted to do."
Hire a specialist
people, get it done.
That song will get you nowhere.
It's a frustrating time though man
The Gupta's came and
shook South Africa up.
turned things upside down
made us question who
we are as a people
I been away for two years, I came
back and I will tell you now
the racial tension is
palpable, you can feel it.
all of the sudden everyone is looking
at each other in a different light.
You are like damn, McKinsey did a good job.
Because don’t get me wrong South Africa
wasn’t perfect, but it wasn’t like this.
You know 2010 had us in a different feeling
We had rhythm, we had a plan
and then all of the sudden it fell
apart, now we are looking at each other
with shifty eyes.
Separated.
Gupta's did a good job.
People are angry and I
understand why, you know?
but sometimes I think people's
anger get's out of hand
like I saw people
fighting because the Gupta's
had a wedding at Sun City.
and at that wedding they only
hired white people to serve them.
and people where like, they are racist!
they are racist!
Okay, maybe they are racist
or
maybe
the Gupta's are doing
what every black person dreams of
doing when they get enough money.
and that is hiring white people to work for you.
Which black man in this audience can't say he doesn’t
remember the first time he went to a restaurant?
and he was sitting there
some white guy came up to the table,
"Good afternoon gentlemen, can
I help you with anything?"
"Oh yeah we are just
waiting for the waiter,
you can send him over."
No, gents. My name is Johnny, I am
going to be serving you guys today.
Oh, you are the waiter?
you are the guy serving us?
That’s correct guys.
Oh wow, look at that.
Well in that case Johnny
lets start with the
specials menu please.
just riddle it off, riddle it off.
Okay guys we have a gazpacho
on the menu, really fantastic
We have also got a seafood salad
that’s really impeccable.
On the dessert side the chef is doing
something different with the creme brule.
and then our special line fish of the day
is going to be a hake lightly grilled.
Okay, thank you very much, just
give us a moment to chat about it.
See you in a bit Johnny.
Thank you very much guys.
Hey, can you believe it huh?
Can you believe it, on my
beck and call. Watch this.
Hey, Johnny, Johnny!
Johnny!
Johnny!
Yeah, whats going on guys?
Uh, nothing. carry on, carry on.
This is power.
and it was a Sunday morning
I was in bed
still asleep, it was
early early in the morning
maybe like 9 or 10 o'clock.
and the phone rings
and it's my baby brother
using my mom's phone
his name is Isaac, he's 9 years old
so I answer the phone like, hello?
"Hello, Trevor?"
I said, hey Isaac what do you want?
"How are you?"
I am fine thanks.
"I am also fine, thank you."
"I am fine thanks and how are you?
"I am fine thanks and how are you?
I am fine thank you.
"It's a pleasure."
"Oh, and Trevor are you busy?"
yes sort of, why?
"No, because mom's been shot."
I am sorry, what?
"Yeah, mom has been shot and we are
at the hospital. Can you come?"
Mom's been shot, okay,
what do you mean?
Okay of course I can
come, which hospital?
and he tells me the hospital.
can you come?
Like he is to polite for his own good
can you come?
Like I am going to have to
slot mom into my schedule
"Oh, coffee at two and then, eish!
PlayStation at one,
okay mom we will try...
Come on, can I come?
of course I can come, I am panicking.
I jump out of bed, I am running around
I am trying to put my clothes
on, some things are backwards
I don’t even notice, I don’t even care
I grab the car keys but I
am looking for the car keys
I am busy running around
there, losing my mind
I jump into the car, into the streets
as soon as I am out the gate,
the tears start coming out
You cant even control it, you are
just driving and all of the sudden
(Crying)
I am driving, I am trying to hold it back
but then I get to the
traffic light and the robot is red
and I let it out, it just comes out
(crying)
NO don’t wash my window!
No, no, don’t, don’t!
Hey, no, no, hey, no, no!
Hey, no.
(crying)
No, huh uh.
(crying)
there I am, driving to the
hospital like a mad man
I get there, jump out the car
my brother is standing there
at the emergency section
I see him outside, he is just standing
like nothing happened, looking around
I am like, Isaac what happened?
He's like, "Mom got shot, she's inside"
I am like, are you okay?
He's like, "mom was shot, not me."
No, that's not what I am saying you idiot
whatever, I am coming back
So I run inside
My mom is in the prep area, all the
doctors are standing around her
there is blood everywhere ,
I am looking at the doctors
and just by the way
doctors are not as good looking
as they are on those T.V shows
No, like they set the bar really high
I was shocked because
I ran in and was like what the hell
(Confused)
Sorry, that was inappropriate,
what's happening here guys?
"Sir, you need to leave"
I said I was sorry, what's happening?
No sir, you can't be
here please leave.
I am like whatever, okay.
So I go outside, the nurse
come to me and she is like
"Mr. Noah?"
I said yes.
"Okay Mr. Noah, we have your
wife stabilized right now and"
I said, my wife?
She said yes, that's Mrs. Noah right?
Yes, that's my mom.
Oh, I am sorry thought she was
Come on, why would you think she is my wife?
You think I would, she
is cool but I mean
like have you seen the girls
oh, I will show you the pictures
afterward. What's going on?
She's like, "Okay Mr. Noah
your mom has just been stabilized and we are
gonna have to start thinking about surgery
She has been shot in the head and she
has been shot in the lower buttock region
so this is a very serious thing.
I am like, yes it is
so what's happening?
"Well, we just found out that
she doesn’t have medical aid.
I said, what?
She goes, yeah she
doesn’t have medical aid.
Now my mom always had
medical aid, always
but now it turns out she canceled it a few years ago
I didn’t know this, she canceled it
because she never gets sick.
you know those people?
I never get sick, I
never get sick Trevor
I never get sick, I don’t know why
I have this. I never get sick
Yes, but you didn’t think of bullets.
Now she is in the hospital, no medical aid
So I said to the nurse, what does this mean?
She says well it means we are going to
have to put her back in the ambulance
and send her to a public hospital.
I said, but she is bleeding
now, you can't send her
She said, " I am sorry sir but that is all
we can do, she has to go to public hospital"
Now I am panicking, a public hospital?
Normally a good place to go, normally
but now what's happening is
just mis-administration of funds
money is going missing, you
don’t know what's happening
they don’t have the right equipment
now I am picturing guys
trying to fix my mom
There's the doctor, "give me a scalpel"
"We got a spanner"
"Yeah, bring it. At least it's a shifting
okay, lets try something."
I am stressed.
so I said, well what do we
do without medical aid?
She says, "well, nothing sir."
I said well what if I
give you the money?
She says, "well, you don’t know
how much it will cost sir
you can't unless you give us your card
and then we just work from there
I said well take my card,
here's my credit card.
She goes, "Sir, it can
get very expensive"
I said, this is my mom
this is my mom, you use the money.
Go!
She goes, don’t tell me it's expensive
this is my mother we are
talking about, you know?
I realized through this I
have neglected my brother
he's been standing there the
whole time with these big eyes
So I am like hey Isaac, 
hey Isaac
what's on your mind man
you okay big boy?
His like, "Trevor?"
Yes?
"can I come to your house and
play PlayStation later today?"
How can you ask me about PlayStation,
your mom has just been shot
you cant be asking me about that, whats
wrong with you you stupid child!
You know what, you are never going
to play PlayStation again, ever
no PlayStation for you ever in your life, ever
Go away, go sit down and think
about what you just said!
PlayStation, how the hell is he
going to ask me about PlayStation
the nurse comes back and
she goes, "Okay Mr. Noah
we just used R900 for
some blood tests."
I am like okay, why are
you telling me this?
It's R900, this is my mom.
Use the money, go!
She goes away. R900, how
you gonna talk about that?
she comes back and says, " Mr. Noah
we need R2000 for some x-rays"
This is my mom, not a pair of jeans
use the money, go!
She goes away, I am like
my mom is going to die
busy asking me questions over here
My mom is gonna die,
my mom's gonna die
that's all I am saying, and I
say it and my brother hears me
He starts crying.
(crying)
I am like, Isaac I am sorry.
I am sorry, are you okay?
He says, "I am not okay"
"you said I am never going to play
PlayStation ever in my life!
and I wanna play Need for Speed
and now I can't play PlayStation"
I am like, you still crying about PlayStation?
you have no right to cry, you hear me!
Shut up, stop crying!
You cant cry about this,
you shut up!
Now a woman comes out, she
knows my mom has been shot
now she thinks I am telling my
brother not to cry about my mom
She just gets involved, she is like
"Hey, you let him cry okay!
you let him cry, some people
express their pain in different ways
you let him cry!"
I am like I will not let him cry
lady, I will not let him cry
many kids grow up without one, okay
this is not, it's fine
like, he should go play
in the park or something
it's not the time to cry
right now, what the hell
you spoil your kids,
that's your problem
you take it away from them so
they can learn about life!
You and you, you both shut up!
All of you, shut up!
I am telling them this,
the nurse comes back
She goes, "Mr Noah, we
are ready for surgery."
I am like, so do the surgery.
She says, "yes but sir,
this can get very expensive
ICU and surgery is very expensive"
I am like, Lady what is expensive? 
This is my mother.
She says, "anywhere from like R20,000"
I am like, R20,000?
This is my mom.
"all the way to like R500,000."
Yo, but she has lived hey?
I mean
I mean she is like what 56, 57?
it's almost finished, you know?
even she says she is old, I mean.
You know?
You said the bullet is in the head,
I mean the head, it's finished.
yo, because with that money we
need to pay for the funeral
we need to buy scones for everybody
this guy needs a
PlayStation, you know
so I don’t know if
she says, "Sir we need the go ahead
otherwise we cant do anything"
I said okay, well use the card.
Just use the card
we will handle the debt
She goes away, I am stressed
because I have seen this happen to people
go into hospital, don’t
have enough money
use your credit card and the next
thing you are in debt for years
and the person could die
the person dies and when they die
the doctor doesn’t give
you your money back
No, no he doesn’t
because he tried and
that is all he has to do
you will get there and be
like, Doctor did you win?
He would be like
(Ironic sound)
and your money is gone
that is all I was stressed about
but the most amazing thing happened
turns out my mother was not that badly hurt.
it was a miracle really
the ass bullets
didn’t do much damage
because my family is gifted.
the head bullet
didn’t hit anything vital
other than the head, obviously
but it missed her spinal cord
missed the nerves,
didn’t touch the brain
went right through, missed the eye
hit the eye socket and deflected
and all it did was cut a
piece of her nostril off
just one side
and the bullet went out clean.
which meant she didn’t have to
go in for intensive surgery
and her recovery was only a week.
Yeah, a week. 
Which was fantastic
because that means the bill was only R24,000.
and she is alive, yes
but the bill
was only R24,000
this was great, really great
because R25,000 was my cut-off
so
You laugh but that is how much I
calculated I am willing to pay my mom back
for all the Ultra Mel custard
I've consumed in my life.
everything else, none of my business
food, clothes, schooling, all
of that stuff I am not paying
I hate it when the parents
say that to they're kids
"You know how hard I have to work
for your bloody school and clothes"
"No, no, no!
I didn’t ask to be born,
that's your job.
Please, you handle that
I asked for the Ultra Mel,
we can keep a tab
don’t involve me in your things."
and that is what I calculated, R25,000.
I would have been there, R24,750
I would have been
there by the doctor
Hey Doc, it's fine my man.
No stop.
no, you tried
you tried, it's cool
no you tried, just switch
off there, switch off
How much, 250 left?
we will pop a draw, just
switch off there, it's fine
you tried.
it was fantastic
I told my mom about
the 25, she laughed
she didn’t know I was serious.
and to show you what a
crazy family we have
my mom is in the recovery ward
she has got these tubes
in her and everything
and an I.V
and my brother is in the
corner, bored out of his mind
and my grandmother is in the
other corner reading the bible
and I am holding my mom's
hand and I am crying
still crying, this is a week later.
I am still crying
(crying)
I have been crying the whole week
but I have also been using this time
to cry for other things in my life.
No, because as a man you
need to know when to cry
you loop it all together and you
just cry one time, it's like
like we cry in bulk,
you got to understand
cry in bulk.
so I am crying for everything
(crying)
and my mom looks at me and she goes
"Shh Trevor, don’t 
cry baby"
I said no mom I got to cry,
you where shot in the head.
She says no, look on the bright side
I said, what bright side?
She said, at least now
because of my nose
you are officially the best
looking person in the family.
I was like, by default.
(crying)
That was probably the worst time ever
flying into America, as an African
during the Ebola crisis.
It was the craziest thing I have ever seen in an Airport.
You walk in, there’d be tension.
They’d usher everybody into a special quarantine area.
Ask you questions, questions that they don’t normally ask.
The number one question they always ask,
“Sir, have you been in contact with Ebola?”
They would always ask, “Sir, have
you been in contact with Ebola?”
I love the sincerity of the question, like
there was a chance my answer could be, “yes”
“And next stop, Disney World.”
Like what kind of person do you think I am,
that I would still be embarking on a journey
Having knowingly been in contact with
the most deadly disease on the planet.
Who do you think I am?
That I’d be there like, “cough, cough, I don’t care!”
“Booking.com has a zero refund policy.”
“I am going to Disney World even if it kills me,
Mickey Mouse and everybody else, I am going!”
“Have you been in contact with Ebola?”
And then he said it like it was a
distant relative, I love the praising.
“Have you been in contact with Ebola?”
“Yes, I spoke to him last week, he is doing well.”
“Thank you very much for asking.”
Ebola made flying a nightmare.
One of the worst flights, I was coming from
Johannesburg South Africa going to San Francisco.
We flew and because of the distance of the
flight, you have to stop over in Washington.
And then they change over your
flight, so you go onto another plane
and then that plane takes you to San Francisco.
And when we were changing
plane, we were switching over,
The air hostess on the second plane tells the
passengers that Africans are coming on board.
And because of this, they are going to be
spraying the cabin with a light pesticide.
You know I understand, when people are
afraid they do stupid things, I get it.
What I didn’t understand was,
Why she told them this,
as we were boarding the plane.
Have the decency to speak behind our backs.
Because we were walking onto the aircraft and
she takes her little microphone and she goes,
“Ladies and gentlemen please note we have some
passengers joining us in the South African flight”
“They are coming from Africa, if everybody
could please stay in their seats”
“as these passengers find their places”
“We’re going to be spraying the cabin with
a light pesticide due to the Ebola crisis”
“and feel free to cover your
nose, eyes, ears and mouth”
“The pesticide shouldn’t be harmful, but it may be”
“So if everybody would just cover up”
“and we will be coming down shortly as everybody
takes their place, thank you very much.”
She says this as we board the plane.
This is our introduction, “Ebola crisis”.
And we are like, “Hallo, hallo.”
“Hallo, Hallo, Hallo”
Do you know how hard it is to find a seat in a plane
with people who think you are bringing them death?
Do you know how hard it is?
You sitting there, and it almost starts
like that scene from “Forest Gump”.
As I am walking down the
plane, people are like, “Uh uh”
“you can’t sit here”
“no space”
Just walking down,
trying to find your Jenny, ha ha!
Finally everyone is seated, we take off.
Plane heads out to San Francisco.
And it was by far the most intense flight
I have ever been on.
I coughed once.
The plane shook.
It wasn’t even a bad cough, just a little tickle.
I was like, “cough, cough”
The guy opposite me was just like, “EBOLA!!!!”
“EBOLA!!!”
I was like, “yo dude,
calm down man, calm down.”
“it’s just AIDS, you’re safe buddy.”
“Calm down, it’s okay.”
Everyone was so stressed. The plane was tense.
No one wanted food nor snacks.
We finally land at the airport.
The plane is taxing to the gate,
And everyone, everyone was waiting
for that seat belt sign to go off.
Everyone was just, like it was more than normal cause already
I never understand why people are in a hurry
on a plane, to get out of their seat.
Because you can’t go anywhere.
Remember when a plane lands, everyone is
just like, “come on, come on, come on”
You can’t go, you’re gonna go there,
You literally go there.
Their like, “come on, come on”
 *sound of seat belt releasing*
“Yeah”
I don’t understand why people are in a hurry.
You know who is even worse,
the people at the window.
You have no right to be in a hurry.
You are sitting there like,
“come on, come on, come on”.
*sound of seat belt releasing* 
“Yeah”
“oh that’s good, yeah”
“pass me my luggage,
pass is to me now, yeah.”
“I am glad I didn’t sit down for two more
minutes, this is much more comfortable.”
Just stay in your seat, just wait.
Ebola made it worse,
a hundred times worse.
Because now everyone wants
to get out of the plane.
Coughing, sneezing, you can feel the
tension and as we are about to leave,
The air hostess comes back
on the P.A and she goes,
“Ladies and gentlemen, everybody back in your
seats please, everybody back in your seats.”
“Unfortunately, right now we have a health and safety
official that needs to come on board”
“just to make sure that everything is okay due to Ebola”
“we are just going to make sure everything is fine,
so please stay in your seats ladies and gentlemen”
“again, apologies for the delay.”
She says this and then this man comes
on, a health and safety official, right.”
And he has with him a list of all the
African passengers and a thermometer.
A digital laser thermometer and he comes on.
and his job is to scan all the African
passengers, and get their temperature.
And I think the way it works is if you
are very hot, you’ve got Ebola right.
So his got the list and he walks
around scanning the passengers.
And gets the thing, walks down and
ticks their names of the list.
Gets the temperature, names, temperature, names.
Finally he gets to where I am seated.
And he does the weirdest thing,
he scans the person opposite me.
Moves to my isle.
Looks at me, looks at my name.
Looks back at me.
And then he just shrugs and walks away.
“nah”
Almost as if, I wasn’t African enough.
I have never felt so conflicted in my life.
Because, don’t get me wrong.
I never want anyone to think I have Ebola.
But I also don’t want anyone
to assume I can’t have Ebola.
You don’t know me.
You don’t know what I am capable of, I
could have all the Ebola in the world.
this guy just ignored me
he walks away,
I am trying to cheer myself up
like chin up Trevor, you could have Ebola
chin up, come on, come on, come on
you can have Ebola
and he walks to the back of the plane
he scans the rest of the passengers
gets to the tail and he
realizes he's now missing a name.
so he looks back through the plane,
can't figure out what's going on
I know it's me, I know it's me
but I'm not going to help him
he had his chance, he had a
good Ebola man and he let him go
so I watch him panic
and as he panic’s the air hostess
comes back down the plane
and she goes hey whats going on, I
need to get the people out of here
He goes, yeah I know.
I got a problem on the Ebola list
I can't figure out where the passenger is.
She's like yeah, I got to get the people out
He's like, look I know. This is killing
me as well but I just got to figure out.
She's like, yeah, yeah, if I don’t get them
out I am dead. I got to get the people going
He's like,
calm down and just give me a second
Now you can feel the tension
building on the plane
people start whispering,
there's murmurs going around
because some people are just
hearing pieces of the conversation
like a broken telephone
all they are hearing is yeah,
Ebola, killing me, people
and she's like everybody out of here, dead, dead.
you can feel the tension
people start looking at each other
the guy opposite me didn’t even
hide it, he was like "it's you!"
it's you, you have Ebola, it's you!
I was like, dude I don’t have
Ebola, stop saying that!
He's like,"it's you damn it, it's you!
you where busy coughing!"
I was like, if you don’t shut up I will cough
on you, I will cough on you right now!
I will cough
(coughing)
He is like what I'll kill you!
I said, I'll kill you first!
(coughing)
everyone in the plane starts losing it
the people are going
crazy, everyone is stressed
people want to leave
in the middle of the chaos,
in the midst of all of this
I will never forget,
a middle eastern man
maybe four rows behind me,
dressed in traditional gaab
he stands up
and he sticks his head into
the conversation being had
between the air hostesses and the safety official
and he goes, "Excuse me, pardon me
sorry to interrupt
I couldn’t help noticing
what you are talking
I just want to say maybe you want to check
there's this black gentlemen
who is coughing a little bit
that man,
he never right anything for him
he was wearing a hood,
I don’t know, something about him
it made me a little uncomfortable,
maybe you want to check
you know what they say, see something
say something, you know.
I did go to Zambia though.
Fantastic place Zambia.
Went there, visited the
place and had a good time.
While I was there I had a chaperone
who really made my trip.
His name was Alinani, sweet guy.
And his job was to get me
accustomed to the Zambian culture.
And every day he would give me a new piece of
information, some more interesting than others.
Like one day he looks at me and goes,
“Trevor, you know Zambia is a
very, very conservative nation.
I said, “Oh, okay Ali.
He says, “Yea,
so please stay away from profanity.”
And I said I can do that, I assumed he meant swearing.
But I didn’t say anything because I wasn’t
sure if he meant a person or swearing.
No, no, because in Zambia people
have names like Profanity.
So, that’s how I laughed when I met Screwdriver.
It’s the same way I laughed.
Yea, because you see
In South Africa we have African
names you can translate.
Like Happiness, Blessing and Hope.
Those kinds of names.
But then in Zambia
People give their names,
like they give their children names
of everyday English words, anything.
So like, table, chair, car, house.
You see, like you just
have to get used to it.
It’s very hard, but you have
to keep a straight face.
Which was difficult because I met a mechanic,
who had sons named Brake and Clutch.
And that was not, especially when Brake
was running around causing chaos.
And his dad was there like, “stop it Brake,
stop it Brake, stop it, stop it Brake.
And I was like, “Hey, stop it Brake. Ha Ha.”
But you have to get used to it, it’s a cultural thing.
And so, you have to respect it.
And the second warning Ali gave
me, was even stranger.
We are driving thru Lusaka, the capital.
And Ali looks over at me in the car and goes,
Trevor, you know here in Zambia
we are a very God loving nation.”
I said, “Oh, okay Ali. That’s
a good thing to know.”
He says, “Yes,
so while you are here don’t be gay.”
I said, “What?”
He says, “I know it can be tempting
sometimes but don’t do it.”
“Don’t be gay.”
“Don’t be gay?”
I have never been warned of
this in my life, don’t be gay?
“Hey bru, don’t be gay. Don’t be gay.”
“Don’t be gay?”
Crazy, crazy warning to get.
But then I found out
why Ali was warning me.
Turns out in Zambia being gay is illegal.
If you are found to be gay
you will be arrested and sent to prison
for more than thirty years, yeah.
Which is a bit of a weird punishment.
When you think about it.
I mean I am not saying that
gay guys would enjoy prison,
I am just saying if I was gay
That’s not the worst thing
you could do to me.
They would be like, “you
are going to jail!”
I would be like, “Oh no.”
Don’t be gay?
I couldn’t believe this,
gay is a crime in Zambia.
Which got me thinking. If gay is a crime,
that means the police have to monitor it.
They actually have to police gay. Yeah.
Which means in their police
force, they have a gay division.
It’s a crime, it’s a crime.
So that means they have a murder unit, a
robbery unit, a white collar crimes unit.
And then they got a gay unit.
Yeah, they have got a little
G-unit in their police force.
That’s responsible for all things gay.
That must be the most fun police
force to be in, in the world.
You get to go under cover, dress up really nice.
Get in touch with your flamboyant
side, have a good time.
I bet the sergeant’s there every
morning, briefing his detectives.
“Good morning Detectives.”
“Welcome everybody, today we will
be launching a sting operation.”
“We have just been informed of a fashion
show that will be taking place.”
And as you know, the gays cannot
resist the latest fashion trends.”
Therefore we will be in full attendance
to apprehend each and every one of them.
Let us make sure we are here.”
“Detective Chepoa?”
“Present!”
“Detective Table?”
“Present!”
“Detective Mongai?”
“Present!”
“I think his in to deep.”
How do you police gay?
do they stop you if you look
suspiciously gay in the streets?
I mean, gay doesn’t have a look. But maybe you
have a bounce about you, like a bit of pizazz.
So the police pull up there and is like,
*police siren*
“You, over there!”
“What is the purpose of that flamboyant scarf?”
“Put your hands up!”
“Turn around! Don’t tempt
me, don’t tempt me!”
“You are going to jail.”
How do you police gay?
Do they have roadblocks?
Like for drunk driving?
Do they have gay roadblocks?
hey are just like stopping
people in they’re cars.
“Good evening Officer”
“Good evening Sir”
“License Please?”
“Thank you very much, Mr. Stylish. Hey?”
“Tell me Sir,
have you been gay this evening?”
“No, I have not been gay.
In fact I don’t gay at all.”
“I see, not even one or two?”
“No, No. No gays for me. No gays for me.”
“Okay”
“Then tell me Sir.”
*sniffing*
“What is that I can smell on your breath?”
“Is that balls?”
“No, no, no, I”
“I don’t even eat chutney, No”
“A ha”
“So you are not gay?”
“No, not gay at all”
“Then Sir, can you please blow into this?”
Ahh
Don’t be gay.
I was not gay while I was in
Zambia, so I had a good time.
Went around and saw the people.
The highlight of my trip
came when on my day off
I asked Ali for suggestions.
Ali said to me, “Maybe you should travel
around Lusaka, meet some of the people”
“just have a good time.”
I said to Ali I want to do something special.
He said, “Oh well, in that case”
“Maybe you can go to the
mall and if you are lucky”
“you can ride the escalators.”
I said, “What?”
“Hey, I am not promising anything”
“but if you are early, maybe you can go once or twice.”
I said, “Escalators?”
“I know, mind-blowing ha?”
I thought he was messing with me.
Until I found out people
in Zambia go to the mall
just to ride the escalators.
It seems ridiculous until
you understand the back story.
When we were in Zambia there were
only five public escalators.
Five, in the whole country.
The first escalator was built in August.
Not August 19??
No, no. You remember August. Past August?
They built they’re first escalators, ever.
Yeah, and so now it is all the rage. People
go to the mall just to ride escalators.
But now, I don’t want you to
picture some dusty village.
That’s not what Zambia is,
it’s a beautiful place
They are developing just as we
are, they have roads.
They got airports, the have beautiful hotels.
Stunning shopping Malls.
They’ve got everything we
got, even faster internet.
The have just never had escalators.
And now they started building them.
And because of that people go there, and
they just spend a day riding escalators.
Yeah, Dads will go home and fetch their kids.
“Children, we are going to the mall.”
“To do what Daddy?”
“To do shopping, and to ride the escalators!”
“Yay!”
We couldn’t believe this so
we went to the mall, right.
We get to the mall. The mall is empty.
Escalators are packed!
People are standing in lines going
around, doubling back on themselves.
There’s old people,
young people, even couples.
There were couples. Guys that
actually picked up woman by saying:
“I am going to take you
to the escalator girl.”
“Oh, you are so fancy hey?”
Escalators. Some people didn’t even
know how to ride the escalators.
Kids were easy, they just jumped on.
Old people would panic.
There was one guy who got on the
escalator, and it was going up.
And I guess to compensate for
something in his mind, as it went up.
He started leaning.
He fell down!
Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha.
He was hurt so badly.
Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha.
Oh, it was fantastic to watch.
We spent like three hours doing this,
watching people riding escalators.
And you know what? Our patients paid off, because
in hour three the most fantastic thing happened.
A school brought a class of children to the mall.
And their excursion was
just to ride the escalators.
It was magic.
Thirty kids, about five years old. Cutest things,
wearing their little black and white uniforms.
And they are standing there
together holding hands.
And they were so excited, they were shining.
Not from excitement, that Vaseline.
And there is two teachers with the children,
and they grab their hands on either end
And in a long train they start to
march through the mall.
And as they do the start singing at the
top of their lungs like little angels.
“Escalator”
“Escalator”
“Escalator”
“ohhhhhhhh, escalator”
“Escalator”
It was the sweetest thing ever.
People are waving at them, smiling.
And these kids see the escalators.
And they lost, their minds.
These kids went crazy.
They’re not holding hands, they
start screaming and running around.
It looked like a zombie movie, or something.
They are jumping, but then you
see the smiles on their faces.
It’s like the end of Saraphina. You are
like, “What the hell is going on here?”
These kids are screaming. They are
jumping around doing cartwheels.
The teacher can’t control them.
She’s panicking like,
“Hey! Get back! Get Back!”
“Two-by-two! Two-by-two!”
Two-by two was one of the
kids, I didn’t know.
She’s like, “Two-by-Two! Next to
me, next to me! Stay in line!”
Other kids are still jumping,
she can’t control them.
There was one fat kid. He couldn’t
jump so he just shook himself.
“Escalator!”
“Escalator!”
It was the most amazing thing
I ever seen in my life.
it's like I had gone in a time machine
to a time when escalators were new
brand new and popular
so popular that people where
taking pictures of the escalators
using their iPhone's
Tephiwa!
technology, ah ah ah
who even thinks of these
things, can you imagine?
we are in the future now my
man, moving stairs
what are we going to see next?
I don’t even know, I don’t even know.
I wonder how it works,
let me just check there
Siri, how does an escalator work?
I don’t know
You may or may not
know I have a new job,
this is great.
Thank you very much, thank you.
So, so that's fun
Phoned my grandmother to
tell her the good news,
which was really cool
I don’t think she understood
what was going on,
but still she was happy.
Phoned my Gran, she was
on the the phone
I was like,Granny I am going
to be on The Daily Show.
She was like, "Woo, Trevor"
"I am so happy for you."
"You got a job."
I said, "No, no, Go-go.
"No, I already had a job Go-go."
"I already had a job."
She is like, "No, you didn’t."
"Did you have an office?"
I said, "No"
She's like, "then it wasn’t a job."
"Well done Trevor."
My mom was a bit better.
Phoned her, she was on the ball.
You know,
she was really excited for me
and to give you a bit of a back-story
I have two younger brothers, right.
I have a, one brother is
9 years younger than me.
and then the youngest is
20 years younger than me.
And so, the youngest one who's 11
just became head boy of his school.
He is the head prefect
at his school, right.
Yeah so, no, no,
 please don’t
this is my show, you don’t clap for him.
Please, they didn’t clap
for me at his, please.
I work hard for my applause,
 please guys.
So anyway, so I phoned,
so I phoned my mom.
So I phoned my mom to tell her
my good news, my good news.
and I am on the phone and I'm
like, "Mom, this just happened"
and she's like, "Oh baby
I am so happy for you"
"Oh, this is so wonderful,
oh my son I am so happy"
"this is so great, Oh, and did you
hear what happened with your brother?"
"He became head boy at his school"
"Oh, I am so happy. Both my
boys are doing big things."
And I was like, "Yeah."
"Some things are bigger than others."
She's like, "No baby, it's all the same to me"
"It's all the same."
I was like, "You say that
but I mean you know, ha-ha."
"I mean you know, if
you had to choose."
She's like, "okay fine, fine."
"I'll be honest."
"You where never a prefect, so"
"Dammit!"
That's when I wish I had a
physical phone, you know.
That's when I wish I had a land-line.
I have those land-line moments in my life
where I wish I had an old school phone
So I could slam it down.
Young people will never know the joy
Of slamming the phone at the end of a call.
Cellphones have robbed us of that.
That feeling where you get to
tell the person, “Screw You!”
*Slamming the phone down*
Ah, it feels so good. They
feel it on the other end like,
“Agh!”
It’s like you punched
them in the ear.
Now with phones you are
robbed of all of that.
There’s no sense of power, “Screw you!”
*Pushing button*
That’s all you have. And you
can’t even press the screen hard
because you are scared
you’ll crack your own phone.
*Pushing button*
I hate cellphones so much.
I think they are robbing
us of our intelligence.
I honestly believe cellphones
are going to be the reason
That human beings devolve.
We are going back to the stone
ages because of those things.
Everything about them are
turning us into apes again.
Neanderthals.
I was looking at my
thumbs the other day.
I spend so much time texting
and sending messages
That I feel like they have started
curling over, like monkey hands.
I have gotten really good at
typing and grabbing branches.
Everything about those phones.
Are robbing us of our humanity.
We were proud because we evolved.
We stand, we walk tall.
And then we got our phones and now
every day we spend like this.
And over time we are gonna go back.
Down.
Have you tried to have a conversation
with someone on their phone?
Literally sounds like a caveman.
*Sound of a monkey*
We have lost it. We don’t know
how to communicate anymore.
Now we use those emoji’s.
For everything.
Emoji, emoji, emoji, emoji.
No one even uses words.
Sent a paragraph to your friend, “Had a
great day, did this. It was so funny!”
They reply.
 *Smiley face emoji*
And did you hear she died?
*Sad face emoji*
That’s it? No words?
Emoji’s are basically the
cave drawings of 2015.
We judged cave men. We think they were primitive
because we couldn’t find any words in their pictures.
Someone’s going to think
the same thing of us.
The way we look at cave men and go,
“Oh, look at them, they couldn’t write”
“Oh, the cave man, he was so simple.”
“And he was hunting, and
he had a family. Aww.”
“Simple.”
Someone is going to see our
messages in a thousand years.
And they will go, “Oh, look at that.
Oh, the people of 2015, simple. Aww”
“Oh, look at that. They
laughed and they cried. Hmm.”
“Sometimes they laughed until they cried.”
“Some of them where
blind in one eye, yeah.”
“But that didn’t stop
them from having fun.”
*crazy face emoji*
“Aww”
“And there was monkeys
that didn’t talk.”
“Monkeys that didn’t listen.”
“And they were always dancing
in red dresses, aww.”
“2015, a simple time.”
We don’t communicate anymore.
We got our emoji’s. Phones
are making us dumb.
I fear most for woman, the most
intelligent of our species.
I fear for you, I fear ladies.
I fear for what the
“selfie” has done to you.
Woman are obsessed with selfies.
The average woman spends 50% of her day thinking
about when she can take the next selfie.
That’s all she’s thinking about.
“Oh, let’s take a selfie.
“Oh, let’s take a selfie. Can we take
a selfie now? Let’s take a selfie.”
“Take a selfie of me taking
a selfie of you, Ahhh.”
“Oh, this is great. Selfie-ception.
I love it.”
Everyone’s just in there.
Selfie, selfie, selfie.
And you know what’s fine?
The pictures look great.
On Instagram, “like my
picture, like my picture.”
Yea, it looks normal. But have you seen what
it looks like when someone makes a selfie?
It is the creepiest thing you
have ever seen in your life.
A normal woman sitting by herself, having
lunch. Doing whatever she’s doing.
And all of the sudden she
will look at her phone.
And something in her head goes weird.
And she transforms
into a selfie monster.
She will just be there, looking at her phone. Going
through stuff. And all of the sudden she’s like,
“I just randomly took a picture.”
“Caught off guard.”
“hashtag, I woke up like this.”
“hashtag, no you didn’t,
hashtag you’re crazy.”
"hashtag, stop that shit.”
recently because of my job on The Daily Show
I got invited to very prestigious events
I’ve started getting invited to very, very fancy functions.
Functions I would have never
been invited to before.
You know, recently I got
invited to my Uncle’s wedding.
He never knew me before this.
And before that I got invited to an event in New York
Called: The Met Gala, a very prestigious event.
Where 500 people are gathered together.
Different personalities, from all walks of life
come together. Actors, Singers,
Painter’s, Musicians. Everyone.
And you spend the night, dressed very nicely.
Looking at History and Art.
You just walk around, smiling, looking sophisticated.
And it’s so exclusive, that they tell you
exactly what you will be wearing at the event.
Not dress code, exactly what you are going to wear.
So I got phoned and they said, “Trevor,
we’d like to invite you to the Met Gala”.
I was like, “Wow, okay.”
And they said, “You will be
wearing a Ralph Lauren suit.”
And I was like, “Okay, how much.”
“is a Ralph Lauren suit?”
But they were like, “No, we provide it for you.”
“Ralph Lauren is going to be giving you the suit.”
And I was like, “Wow, I get to go to the Ralph
Lauren store and pick up a suit for myself?”
“They were like, “No, the man Ralph
Lauren is going to give you a suit.”
Do you know how mind-blowing that is?
To meet the man whose name is on your clothing?
Like that’s never happened to me,
I have never had the opportunity
To meet the man whose name is on my clothing.
I have never had the chance to say,
“Pleasure to meet you, Mr. Price.”
This is a new world for me.
Here I am wearing his suit,
invited to the Met Gala.
And they tell you it is going to be a fun
affair, you’re going to have a great time.
You get there, you eat with some
people. You talk, you laugh.
You walk the red carpet, which sounds like fun.
You know red carpet sounds like fun. You walk
down a carpet, people take pictures of you. Yea!
It is a lot more stress than it seems.
Because you have to look perfect. I didn’t know
this, you have to look perfect all the time.
And they are so strict about it, that they have
a tent at the beginning of the red carpet.
That you don’t see on T.V
And in that tent, they prepare everybody.
All the celebrities stand in the tent together, and
then they make sure everybody’s dress is perfect.
Everybody’s hair, nothing is crumpled up. Nothing.
And everyone’s there together, which was pretty cool.
Because you see all the celebrities getting dressed basically.
And you know everyone. They don’t
know you, but you know all of them.
So you are there looking at
people, and people are very nice.
They’re like, “Hey, how are you?”
And you like, “Oh hi, I am Trevor. Nice to meet you.”
She’s like, “Oh, Beyoncé.”
And you’re like, “Yeah”
“come on, come on.”
“I know you, I know you from
my bedroom wall. I know you.”
But you can’t say that, you can’t. Because
you gotta look cool, you gotta look cool.
You got to look like you belong.
So now you are meeting people that you
know, but you gotta act like you don’t know them.
Which makes you look like a jackass. Because
now I am there like, “Trevor, oh Beyoncé?”
“Beyoncé? Did I say it right? Beyoncé?”
“Nice to meet you Beyoncé.”
“Oh and this? Oh, Jay-Z nice to meet you sir.”
“Yes, Yes.”
You just look like an idiot.
So I am standing there,
getting ready with everyone.”
And then there’s a guy who basically tells each
person to walk out, each celebrity.
You walk out onto the red carpet, and
there’s three stations on the red carpet.
When you walk out the first
section, is American photographers.
They take pictures for all their
magazines and newspapers.
When they are done with you, you
move down to the second section.
That’s the European photographers.
They do the same for their magazines
And then you move to the last section. Asian
photographers, Japan, China. That region.
They take pictures, and then you walk into the event.
So you walk through each one, they tell you to smile.
Don’t smile too much, it closes your eyes.
Don’t not smile, it makes you look angry.
And pose with your body and your head.
Pose with body and head, because some
people make the mistake and then turn…
Don’t do that, turn everything at the same time.
I’m like ready, I can do this.
So I am in the tent with
all the celebrities.
And they guy is calling people
out, he lets them out one by one.
Because they don’t want two people in the same shot.
They don’t want Beyoncé there and
then me in the background, like.
So the guy is like, “We’re ready guys, we’re ready.
“Rihanna, Let’s get Rihanna  out. Rihanna come on.”
“How are you? Good to see you. Come on through.”
So Rihanna walks out.
“Ann Hathaway, Ann. How are you? Come on Ann.”
“Good to see you. Go on, go on.”
And then it’s my turn. And the guy is like, “You!”
“Yea, you. Come on, let’s go.”
I’m like, “Me? Yeah okay.”
He’s like, “are you ready?”
I said, “Yeah.” He’s like, “Go on.”
And I stepped out. Immediately when I got out I
realized I wasn’t ready. I was not ready at all.
I was not ready. I have never seen
that many flashes in my entire life.”
You step out and it seems like every camera
in the world is flashing at the same time.
All of them screaming, it’s like,
*Camera’s taking pictures*
It looks like someone threw a teaspoon
in a microwave, its going crazy.
*Camera’s taking pictures*
And everyone is screaming your name. It’s like, Trevor!
Trevor, Trevor! Trevor! Trevor! Trevor! Trevor! Trevor!
Now you are trying to find them, you look
like a mad man with voices in your head.
“Trevor! Trevor! Trevor! Trevor!”
You’re like, “Yes, speak to me Jesus.”
You’re trying, you don’t know
where the thing is coming from.
They are like, “Trevor! Trevor! Trevor! Trevor! Trevor!”
And then one guy throws me of,
like in the middle of it.
He’s like, “Trevor! Give us a pose!”
And I’m like, “a pose?” He’s like, “Yea, a pose.”
I’m like, “No, I don’t know how to
pose, I have never thought of posing.”
No one told me, so now I am like. I don’t know
what posing is, I’ve never practiced posing.
And then the guy says, “pose!” And I
am like, “I don’t know what’s a pose?”
He’s like, “Something sexy.”
I’m like, “Sexy?” I don’t even know what sexy is.
Because I have never practiced.
And when I read magazines.
I go straight to the woman section, I don’t look
at the men. I don’t see how they are posing.
I look at J-Lo and Kim Kardashian. So he’s like, “Sexy”
I’m like, “sexy?” So I just go
to what I know. You know like.
The guy is like, “What the hell? Okay, stop, stop. That’s good.”
“That’s good. Okay, go on, go on.
Good job, good job.”
That was stressful, so I move
down to the European section.
Now I am getting there, I am still stressed.
The bright lights have got my eyes
going and the next guy is there.
The guy is like, “Okay Trevor, are you
ready?” I’m like, “I’m ready, I’m ready.”
“all right, over here! Over there!
Trevor! Trevor! Trevor! Trevor!”
Some guys didn’t know my name
though, I could hear that.
Because one guy said Trevor and another guy said Trevor.
And the other guys where just like, 
*Mumbling*
But it’s sort of like a dog,
a dog doesn’t really know it’s name.
Like if your dog’s name is Spottie and
you go, “Foggie”. It’s like, “Huh?”
I did the same thing.
They were like, 
*Mumbling*
I am sure there was one guy who like
hated me and he was like, “Never!”
And I was like.
I didn’t care. I was in the mix, I was posing.
I was sexy, I was doing my thing. I was loving it.
And the guy’s like, “Good job, go on, go on.”
And I walked down and I
went to the Asian section.
And I stood there, and all
the photographers were ready.
And then they just looked at me.
It was.
I don’t think you guys, like
It was the weirdest. Because it was like, flashing,
flashing, snapping, flashing, screaming, flashing, snapping
Flashing, screaming, flashing, snapping.
Silence.
I got there
And they just looked at me.
And then they looked at each other.
And they looked back at me.
They look at me like you look at food
that has just arrived at your table.
But no one has ordered it.
That’s the way that they looked at me.
Like they were waiting for the menu.
Like for the waiter to come and be
like, “Sorry, we didn’t order.”
“Did you order, did you order, who ordered.
No, we didn’t order this.”
“We ordered celebrities, we
don’t know what that is.”
“No, no. We don’t know, we didn’t order.”
That’s how they looking at me. Now I am
standing there, I am already posing.
Because I have been taught to do
it, now I am there.
I’m doing, nothings working. Not
even these ones, nothings working.
They are just looking at me and
I don’t know. I just panicked.
Because I was embarrassed, I am not going to lie.
I was embarrassed.
No one is taking a picture, no one told me
what to do if they don’t take a picture
So instead of just walking away.
I started making the sounds with my mouth.
Just a defense mechanism I guess.
So I panicked, and in the silence I was just like,
“Trevor! Trevor! Trevor! Trevor! Trevor!”
*sound of cameras flashing*
“Trevor! Trevor” 
*sound of cameras flashing*
And now they are just looking at me like,
I was like, “Good job, good job. Bye.”
The newspaper say that, he’s famous.
And people start treating you like you’re
famous, they say the weirdest things to you.
Strangest thing people would
say to me, “Trevor! Trevor!”
Well done on everything hey.
Congrats! Congrats!”
“But, even though you are going to America”
“Don’t forget us alright? Don’t you forget us.”
Like, “I don’t even know who you are.”
People would say the weirdest things to me. You
know the number one thing people have said to me?
It’s not good luck. It’s “Hey Trevor”
“Good luck over there, but whatever you do.”
“Don’t forget your accent, alright?”
“Yes please. Don’t pull a Charlize on us, okay?”
“You keep your accent, make us proud.”
Everyone said that. “Treva bro!” Treva Noah!”
Hey, mom’s child. You are making us proud.”
“You do us proud, but can I ask you a favor?”
“Don’t lose your accent, okay? Don’t lose your accent.”
“Yes. When you come back from the States,
you mustn’t come back talking funny.”
“Please Brother. If you lose
your accent, don’t come back.”
“Did you just threaten me?”
What does that mean?
If you lose your accent?
How do you lose your accent? People make it sound
like you’re going to be walking down the street
And then just out of the blue, you are like,
*Searching his pockets*
“My accent!”
“I lost my accent!”
“Where the hell is my… Oh!
“Oh, Hello. No! That’s
not my accent!”
How are you going to lose your accent?
I was stressed now.
Because I don’t want South Africans
to think I am not South African.
I don’t want them to think I have
forgotten something, this is my home.
Now I am stressed coming home.
I am in the plane, flying back to Johannesburg.
And the whole time I am thinking, “don’t lose
you accent Trevor, don’t lose your accent”
“Ac-accent, Accent, Ac-accent”
“Is that how I say accent? Accent, accent, excent, excent”
“axe end, ecsent, accent.”
By the time I landed at O.R
Tambo I was losing my mind.
I like walked into arrivals, the
woman was there at customs.
“Welcome back to South Africa Sir.”
I was like, “Yes, I’m back!”
“Same old Treva!”
“Nothing changed.”
People are crazy.
I love accents. I really love accents.
I love learning languages and so
obviously accents or byproduct of that
I’ve learned over time
That even you can't learn a
language, an accent is a great
way to communicate with
somebody in your own language
whilst trying to bridge the gap
you learned somebody's accent,
you communicate more effectively
the thing is though, you have to
learn the accents on the right way
if you are going to speak to someone in
the accent and you do in the wrong way
you might come across as racist
you have to be very careful about this.
White people in South Africa
often fall into this trap.
It happens at petrol stations quite a bit.
you see people driving in with their
friends, talking normally in the car.
“So, I mean. If we get all the numbers together and
give them marketing, they should be behind this
” it should be a breather, HR has
stepped up and it's going to be."
"It's going to be a great year and we
try and make sure. Oh, sorry. Hold on."
*electric window winding down*
"Hello Baba!"
"Hey, shop, shop man!"
"Please fill up the tank, hey?"
"95, Unleaded. Yeah!"
"Also check ama tires, Hey?"
"Pressure. Pumpy, pumpy!
Not to much hey?"
"two point two, okay?"
"Yea, good jobie. Shop , shop."
"Dankie boss."
Don't do that.
He is a grown man, he has been
pumping petrol his entire life.
He knows what you need.
Just talk to him like a normal human being.
That's the thing people don't understand
Speak to him like a normal human being.
I used to get so angry whenever I see
white people changing their accent
when they talk to black people.
I get so angry
I was like,"are all white people racist? is
that what it is? Are all of them racist?"
and then I leaned. Life taught
me not to be so quick to judge.
I learned a valuable lesson. I was
driving to Gold Reef City one day.
Into the backstage area.
and the security guard came out
to the boom, and he was like,
"Hi, how are you. Is
your name on the list?"
I said, "Yes, how are you Baba?
My name is Trevor."
He's like, "Okay. Trebal, Trebal, Trebal."
I said, "No, no. Trevor."
He's like, " Oh, sorry. Cheval, Cheval, Cheval, Cheval."
I said, "No, Trevor."
"Cheva."
"Trevor."
"Chelva"
"Trevor"
"Chelva"
"Trevor"
"Chelval"
"Trevor"
"Chelva"
"Trevor" "Cavel, Cav, Chavil,
Chavel,Chalvin, Chavel"
"Trevor"
"Chalvil, Chalvil"
"Trevor"
"Calvil, Chalvil"
and now my friend who is just
irritated leans over and his like,
"Hey, Papa. His Treva!"
He was like, "Oh, Treva!"
"Why you don't talk properly?"
And then I understood,I finally understood.
What white people have been trying to do.
I see you are trying to communicate more
effectively, you are trying to engage somebody.
But understand this, understand this.
When speaking to someone in an accent,
the number one rule to understand is
an accent is not a
measurement of intelligence.
An accent is just somebody speaking your
language, with the rules of theirs.
That is all an accent is.
So don't speak
down to them, don’t patronize them.
Speak to them the way you would speak to yourself.
Just try and learn their accent,
that's all it is. Just an accent.
and I learn them. I spend all
my time learning accents.I try.
I try, I love it.
I learn in restaurants,
that's a safe place to start.
You learn, you read of the menu. You
try to pronounce the words correctly.
I was inspired by French restaurants.
Funny enough.
Whenever I go to a French
restaurant I am always fascinated.
By the way that people ordered food in an
French accent. I never understood why.
Because they don’t do it in any other restaurants,
only in French restaurants do people walk in.
and then change their
accent when they order.
They come in talking normally. "you know it's
a wonderful, you really going to enjoy this."
"It's so beautiful, stunning. You have to have
the desert. Oh, good evening, how are you Sir?"
"Yes, we will have a bottle of
water for the table please and a"
"Let's start of with a, can we
get the Sauvignon blanc please?"
"and we definitely for mains
gonna have the filet mignon."
"and for dessert we gonna
go with the creme brule."
"Thank you very much. Oh, you gonna love it."
Like, why are you doing that? I
never understood. I was like why?
Because it's not like the French
are going to return the favor.
There's no French people sitting in our restaurants
in South Africa looking at the menu like,
"Uh, so for the table we can order"
"some starter portion, we
share something. Okay?"
"Uh, could we please have, uh"
"one serving of the boerewors."
that's not gonna happen.
