YOU MAY HAVE SEEN HER ON "HOWARD STERN."
SHE'S A FAVORITE OF HIS AND MINE'S.
WILL SOMEBODY PLEASE MAKE SOME NOISE FOR MY GIRL APRIL MACIE?
IT IS HOT AS SHT IN HERE.
I AM I'M SWEATING LIKE A MAN.
MY NUTS ARE STUCK TO THE SIDE OF MY LEG.
IT'S DISGUSTING.
FELLAS, IF YOU TAKE NOTHING ELSE FROM THIS COMEDY SHOW, YOU TAKE THIS SHT RIGHT HERE,
YOU UNDERSTAND?
YOU LISTEN TO THIS.
YOU POWDER YOUR NUTS IN THE SUMMERTIME, ALL RIGHT?
SNUGGLE BEAR, DID YOU POWDER YOUR NUTS BEFORE YOU LEFT THE HOUSE?
YOU YOU DID?
YOU DID?
FELLAS, THERE ARE DIFFERENT METHODS, RIGHT?
WHAT WAS YOUR METHOD?
DID YOU SPLASH IT ON THERE?
YOU CAN SPLASH, OR YOU CAN DIP 'EM, LIKE YOU'RE TRYING TO GET SPRINKLES ON A DOUGHNUT.
JUST DIP AND COAT, DIP AND COAT.
MAKE IT FUN FOR YOURSELF.
JUST DO A LITTLE BALLET.
JUST SECOND POSITION, AND YOU PLIE YOUR NUTS RIGHT IN.
OR THEY STICK TO THE SIDE OF YOUR LEG.
YOU GOTTA POWDER.
'CAUSE MEN WANT YOU TO DO SHIT WITH 'EM, RIGHT?
AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT, AND I DON'T KNOW HOW.
THEY ARE DISGUSTING, THESE LITTLE CREATURES YOU MEN HAVE IN YOUR PANTS.
THEY ARE SO GROSS.
NOT BLACK GUYS.
YOUR BALLS ARE CUTE AS SHIT.
YEAH, BLACK GUYS' BALLS LOOK LIKE TWO TINY LITTLE CADBURY CREME EGGS.
THEY ARE ADORABLE.
LIKE DELICIOUS EASTER TREATS.
THANK YOU, SIR.
THANK YOU.
YES.
OLDER GUYS, YOU CAN'T EVEN WEAR SHORTS ANYMORE, CAN YOU, SIR?
'CAUSE YOUR NUTS HANG OUT THE BOTTOM.
YOU GOTTA TUCK THAT SHIT INTO YOUR SOCK.
YOU GUYS YOU GUYS HAVE WIENERS.
THESE LITTLE THINGS ARE FN' SILLY, THESE LITTLE CHITS YOU HAVE IN YOUR PANTS.
DOES HE EVERIS THIS YOURS?
DOES HE EVER CHASE YOU AROUND THE HOUSE AND FLAP IT BACK AND FORTH?
MEN CAN DO FUN SHIT WITH THEIR PENIS.
IT LADIES, GUYS TALK ABOUT TITS AND ASS ALL THE TIME.
IT IS OUR TURN.
LET'S TALK ABOUT THEIR WIENERS.
YEAH, YEAH.
YEAH.
SOME OF YOU ARE AFRAID TO CLAP, 'CAUSE HE BEATS YOU FROM TIME TO TIME.
"I CAN'T CLAP.
HE BEATS ME."
MY EX MY EX HAD A BUTTON PENIS.
HAVE YOU EVER SEEN ONE OF THESE?
A PENISA PENIS SO SMALL, IT HAS NO HANG LEFT, JUST NO HANG RIGHT.
JUST KIND OF LOOKS AT YOU STRAIGHT AHEAD, JUST...
JUST SORT OF FOLLOWS YOU WHEREVER YOU GO.
JUST...
AND AT FIRST, WHEN A WOMAN LOVES A MAN, WE DON'T EVEN CARE, RIGHT?
I WAS LIKE, "BABY, IT IS SO CUTE."
DON'T CALL IT THAT.
THAT MAKES THEM ANGRY.
DON'T CALL IT THAT.
ALL RIGHT, I WAS LIKE, "BABY, IT IS SO CUTE.
"IT'S LIKE A BUTTON.
"I JUST WANT TO PUSH IT AND HOPE A GUM BALL POPS OUT OF YOUR ASS." AND GUYS HAVE NO IDEA,
BUT WHATEVER YOU HAVE GIRLFRIEND, FIANCEE, WIFE WHATEVER YOU HAVE, HER BEST FRIEND KNOWS
EXACTLY HOW BIG YOUR PENIS IS.
YES.
LOOK, YOU'RE GETTING MAD.
HE'S GETTING MAD RIGHT NOW.
HE'S LIKE, "THAT'S FN' BULLSHIT."
LIKE, THEY GET MAD.
BUT MEN, YOU GUYS TELL STORIES ALL THE TIME, RIGHT?
WHERE DO YOU THINK "SMELL MY FINGER" CAME FROM?
THAT'S YOUR SHIT RIGHT THERE.
RIGHT?
MEN TELL STORIES, AND THEIRS COME WITH SCENTS.
NO WOMAN HAS EVER TOLD A SCRATCH 'N SNIFF STORY HER WHOLE LIFE, RIGHT?
NO WOMAN NO WOMAN HAS EVER BEEN LIKE, "SARAH, SARAH, SMELL MY PALM."
"SMELL IT.
SMELL IT.
"THAT IS HIS NUTS RIGHT THERE.
SMELL IT.
SMELL IT."
THIS IS HOW YOU KNOW, RIGHT?
THIS IS HOW YOU KNOW, LADIES, THAT IT'S A SMALL WIENER SCHNITZEL.
OH, MEN ARE PISSED RIGHT NOW.
THIS IS HOW YOU KNOW.
WHEN YOU'RE GOING DOWN ON A GUY AND THERE'S NOT ENOUGH ROOM FOR THE HAND/MOUTH COMBO YES,
YES!
YES.
YEAH.
TAKE A LOOK AROUND.
YOU CAN ALWAYS TELL THE LITTLE COCK-A-DOODLE-DOOs IN THE AUDIENCE, RIGHT?
YOU CAN.
THE GUYS WITH THEIR ARMS FOLDED, KIND OF PISSED, LIKE, "FK THIS BITCH."
"SHE'S A DUMB WHORE."
I DON'T BELIEVE IN THAT WORD "WHORE."
IT'S A BULLSHIT WORD 'CAUSE THERE'S NO EQUIVALENT FOR A MAN, RIGHT?
LIKE, WHAT'S IT CALLED WHEN A CHICK HOOKS UP WITH A DUDE?
I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU HOOK UP, SIR, BUT THAT'S KIND OF HOW I DO IT, RIGHT THERE.
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
IS THAT WHAT YOU DO?
YEAH.
YEAH, THAT'S WHATHE WAS LIKE, "YES, THAT'S WHAT I DO."
NO, WHAT'S IT CALLED WHEN A CHICK HOOKS UP WITH A DUDE AND THEN WALKS HOME THE NEXT DAY
WITH HER HAIR ALL RATTED UP LIKE SHE HAS MANGE?
WHAT'S THAT CALLED?
WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME, RIGHT?
IT'S BULLSHIT, LADIES.
WHY DO WOMEN HAVE TO BE ASHAMED TO HAVE SEX?
SIR, CAPTAIN CRUNCH, HAVE YOU EVER BEEN ASHAMED?
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN ASHAMED YOUR WHOLE LIFE TO HAVE SEX?
NEVER.
NEVER.
HE SAID, "NEVER."
BUT IN YOUR PAST, YOU HAVE FKD AT LEAST ONE TRAIN WRECK YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF,
RIGHT?
YES.
LOOK AT THE CAPTAIN, JUST LAUGHING.
LIKE, "YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN THAT BITCH."
SHE WAS SO SCARY."
NO, MEN DON'T GIVE A SHIT.
MEN AREN'T ASHAMED.
MY BEST FRIEND, HE CALLED ME ONE MORNING AT 5:00 A.M., WOKE ME UP.
HE WAS LIKE, "APRIL, APRIL, I HAD SEX WITH THIS OLD WOMAN LAST NIGHT."
AND THEN HE SAID, "AFTER I HAD SEX WITH HER, SHE GAVE ME STEW TO TAKE HOME IN A COOL WHIP
CONTAINER."
"WHY ARE YOU WAKING ME UP WITH THIS SHIT?"
AND HE SAID, "'CAUSE I WANTED YOU TO COME OVER FOR STEW."
HE DIDN'T GIVE A CHIT.
HE WANTED TO SHARE HIS OLD LADY SEXPOT CROCK-POT TREATS.
HE DIDN'T CARE, RIGHT?
AND I THINK THIS IS WHY, RIGHT, FROM THE TIME MEN ARE YOUNG, MEN ARE TAUGHT TO BE PROUD
OF WHO THEY ARE SEXUALLY, RIGHT?
WHAT DO YOU DO LIKE, 12 YEARS OLD, YOU SNAG YOUR FATHER'S "PLAYBOY."
YOU BEAT OFF INTO A SOCK OR A CANTALOUPE OR WHATEVER YOU SICK FKS DO.
SOME OF THEM LOOK AROUND, LADIES SOME OF YOUR MEN HAVE FD' FRUIT.
IT IS TRUE.
IF YOU COME HOME AND HE HAS GOT A MELON BALLER AND A CANTALOUPE, HE IS NOT MAKING YOU A FRUIT
SALAD.
HE IS BURROWING A HOLE FOR LATER.
WATCH, GUYS AREN'T ASHAMED.
GUYS, CLAP IF YOU MASTURBATE.
YEAH.
YEAH.
NOTHING RIGHT HERE.
NOTHING, YOUNG MAN.
YOU ARE SO YOUNG; ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS BEAT OFF, PLAY "WORLD OF WARCRAFT," AND EAT CAPTAIN
CRUNCH.
THAT IS ALL YOU HAVE IN YOUR LIFE.
AND YOUR GIRLFRIEND IS LIKE, "YEAH, THAT'S ALL THE FUCK "YEAH, THAT'S ALL HE DOES ALL
DAY.
THAT'S IT."
A MANA MAN THAT TELLS YOU HE DOESN'T MASTURBATE IS A MAN THAT WILL FOLLOW YOU TO THE PARKING
LOT AND MURDER YOU.
THAT SHIT AIN'T NORMAL.
RIGHT?
JUST REAL ANGRY, LIKE, "I WISH I COULD TOUCH MY PENIS!"
"MM, GET IN THE VAN."
LADIES, CLAP IF YOU...MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
SOME LADIES AREN'T CLAPPING.
BULLCHIT.
REMOVABLE SHOWER HEAD.
MEEEEHHH!
MEEEHHHH.
OH, GOD.
MOMMY'S SO CLEAN.
LOOK AROUND.
SOME GUYS ARE PISSED RIGHT NOW.
THEY'RE LIKE, "I INSTALLED THAT CHIT."
"THAT'S WHY SHE'S ALWAYS TAKING LONG BATHS.
THOUGHT OUR WATER BILL WAS KIND OF HIGH."
WOMEN HONESTLY, WOMEN SHOULD NEVER BE EMBARRASSED TO MASTURBATE, AND HERE'S WHY.
WE ARE CUTE AS SHIT WHEN WE DO IT.
YES, YES.
LOOK AT YOUR GUY.
HE COULD WATCH YOU DO THAT FOR HOURS, RIGHT, SIR?
LIKE IT WAS THE YULE LOG BURNING AT CHRISTMAS.
JUST, OH...
'CAUSE WE'RE CUTE WHEN WE MASTURBATE.
IT'S YOU GUYS THAT SHOULD BE EMBARRASSED.
YEAH, YEAH.
SIR, HAVE YOU EVER CAUGHT A GLIMPSE OF YOURSELF BEATING OFF IN THE COMPUTER SCREEN?
HAVE YOU EVER SEEN YOU HAVE TWO BROKEN HANDS.
YOU GUYS DON'T KNOW THIS, BUT HE BROKE THEM BOTH BEATING OFF.
THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS.
NOT JUST YOU, SIR.
ALL DUDES, WHEN YOU MASTURBATE, I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FK HAPPENS TO YOU GUYS, BUT SOMETHING
BETWEEN YOUR FACE AND YOUR HAND/WIENER COMBO JUST...
JUST MAKES YOU GUYS MORPH INTO THE MOST HEINOUS, DISGUSTING CREATURES.
WHY IS YOUR BACK ALL HUNCHED OVER?
YOU LOOK LIKE A DOG THAT'S ABOUT TO TAKE A CHIT ON THE CARPET.
YOU DO.
HAVE YOU EVER SEEN A MAN MASTURBATE AND YOU JUST WANT TO PICK HIM UP AND, LIKE, RUN HIM
TO THE FRONT LAWN?
BE LIKE, "YOU DO THAT OUTSIDE."
"JERKING OFF IS NOT AN INDOOR ACTIVITY."
LET ME SAY THIS.
LADIES, IF YOU HAVE EVER SEEN YOUR MAN DO HIS JERK-JERKS IN FRONT OF YOU RIGHT?
HIS SWEET JERK-JERKS?
THAT IS HIS SEXY JERK.
THAT IS NOT WHAT HE DOES WHEN HE IS BY HIMSELF,
RIGHT?
THE SEXY JERK IS SOME SHIT THEY PRACTICED IN FRONT OF A MIRROR, JUST LIKE...
TO LOOK COOL FOR YOU.
THAT IS NOT WHAT HE DOES WHEN HE IS HOME.
I THOUGHT ALL GUYS DID THE SEXY JERK, RIGHT?
UNTIL ONE DAY, THIS GUY WAS DOING IT IN FRONT OF ME, AND THEN I THINK HE GOT HIMSELF, LIKE,
A LITTLE TOO EXCITED.
AND HE FORGOT THAT I WAS IN THE ROOM.
AND HE SLIPPED HE SLIPPED INTO HIS HOME-STYLE CRAZY JERK.
I WAS LIKE, "HOLY SHIT."
I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW A HUMAN HAND COULD MOVE THAT FAST.
BUT I WANTED TO WATCH, 'CAUSE MY VIRGIN EYEBALLS HAD NEVER SEEN IT, SO I STAYED REAL STILL...
'CAUSE I DIDN'T WANT TO DISTURB THE WILDLIFE IN HIS NATURAL HABITAT.
HAVE YOU EVER SEEN A JERK HAND, RIGHT?
HAVE YOU EVER SEEN A JERK HAND MOVE SO FAST WHERE YOU CAN'T EVEN RECOGNIZE IT IN HUMAN
FORM ANYMORE?
IT'S A BLUR, AND IT LOOKS LIKE A HUMMINGBIRD
LANDED ON HIS PENIS...
WHERE YOU'RE LIKE, IF THIS SON OF A BITCH KEEPS THIS UP, HE IS GONNA GO BACK IN TIME.
I'M APRIL MACIE.
WE HAVING A GOOD TIME HERE? I SAID IS Y'ALL HAVING A GOOD TIME?
