So, I used to date
a personal trainer,
and he was one of those guys
that was obsessed
with his body and with diet.
Every time we'd go
to a dinner party,
he would show up
with a Tupperware container
full of tuna fish.
You know those people? And
he would just be in the corner,
like, shoveling it
down his throat,
being like,
"I need my protein, babe!"
And I was like, "Oh, God. This
is so embarrassing," you know?
Like, "What are you, Heathcliff?
What are you doing?"
He'd just pull a fish bone
out of his mouth.
So, he would eat protein
and vegetables all week,
but then Friday was cheat day.
And I was like, "Oh, we get
to hook up with other people?"
And he was like...
"No."
[ Laughter ]
"Bread."
And I was like,
"We get to hook up with bread?
Like, when are
we gonna have fun?"
I would sometimes feel like
he would only have sex with me
to get in extra cardio,
because...
he would, like, you know, enter
but pump and kind of do,
like, pushups over my body
and count the reps every time.
And then he would also
wear ankle weights
and a heart-rate monitor.
And then, when he was finished,
he would just sort of explode
protein powder all over me.
Um...
And I was like, "Strawberry.
Um, quite delicious."
And then I started to suspect
that he was on steroids.
And I did a little detective
work, and I figured it out
'cause he got, like,
really big overnight,
and he was angry all the time.
And then I found needles
in the garbage.
And I was like,
"Are you on steroids?"
And he very aggressively
was like, "No!"
"Cool, cool, cool!
That works for me.
I don't want to be alone.
[ Laughs crazily ]
Please don't leave!"
I was in a really bad place.
And I --
[ Chuckles ]
Man, self-esteem is a really
good thing to have, and, uh...
[ Laughs ]
Ooh, it just got so sad.
So, I would take him to yoga to
help him with his anger issues.
And I don't know if you've
ever seen someone
on steroids in a yoga class,
but it is extremely terrifying.
Um, the teacher would be like,
"Take a deep breath."
And he was like [Shrieks]
[ Laughter ]
Just ripping mats in half
with his teeth.
I wasn't allowed back.
And I don't want to make
the assumption
that all personal trainers
are liars,
but I will say,
I will never date someone
who does tuna
Tupperware again.
Thank you so much!
