 
 MUSIC
 WHAT DO YOU REALLY WANT IN YOUR LIFE?
 DO YOU THINK THAT EVERYBODY HAS A CALLING?
 WE ARE ALL LOOKING FOR THE SAME THING
 WHAT INSPIRES YOU?
 CAN WE HEAL FROM EVERYTHING?
 HOW DO WE LIVE AN AWAKENED LIFE?
 WHY DO YOU THINK WE'RE HERE AS HUMAN BEINGS?
 TO SAY YES TO LIFE, YOU GOTTA START SAYING YES
 TO LIFE EXPERIENCES
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 I'VE ASKED HUNDREDS OF MOTHERS AND FATHERS..."WHAT DO YOU REALLY 
 WANT?" THE ANSWER I MOST OFTEN HEAR IS "I JUST WANT MY CHILDREN TO BE 
 HAPPY..."   BUT VERY OFTEN THERE ARE BOXES PARENTS WANT THEIR CHILDREN TO 
 CHECK FIRST: A COLLEGE DEGREE, A SUCCESSFUL CAREER, MARRIAGE, A NICE HOUSE 
 AND THEN THEIR OWN KIDS....   DO YOU BELIEVE MEETING PARENTS' 
 EXPECTATIONS ACTUALLY BRINGS HAPPINESS TO A CHILD?   DID IT WORK FOR YOU?    
 TODAY ON SUPER SOUL SUNDAY...    TRAILBLAZING AUTHOR DR. SHEFALI TSABARY 
WITH A REVELATION THAT COULD CHANGE THE NEXT GENERATION...   DR. SHEFALI: 
 Our children, young ones, they're not attached to, how do I look?  Am I complete?  
 Do I need to become someone?  OPRAH:  They are born knowing they're enough.    
 DR. SHEFALI URGES PARENTS TO WAKE UP, AND ASK THEMSELVES THIS PIVOTAL 
 QUESTION: WHY ARE THEY TRYING SO DESPERATELY TO CONTROL THEIR CHILD'S 
 DESTINY...   DR. SHEFALI: Because we don't have power over any being, least of all our 
 children.  OPRAH:  Revolutionary.     IN HER LATEST BOOK, "THE AWAKENED FAMILY," 
 DR. SHEFALI SAYS WHEN OUR CHILDREN CHALLENGE US...INSTEAD OF GETTING 
  "TRIGGERED" TO CONTROL THEM - WE CAN THINK OF IT AS AN OPPORTUNITY FOR 
 OUR OWN EVOLUTION...     Dr. Shefali: Because you had a moment of awareness, you 
 went, maybe it was me?   OPRAH:  Absolutely.   DR. SHEFALI:  Who just set her on 
 the wrong path?  OPRAH:  Yeah. Makes me want to cry because I did that.  But you 
 helped me to see that that's what I was doing.     AND LATER... MY SURPRISE VISIT TO 
 A MOTHER FOR WHOM I'LL BE FOREVER GRATEFUL. THROUGH HER OWN GRACE 
 AND WISDOM, JENI STEPANEK SHARED THE BEAUTY OF HER SON'S PEACEFUL HEART 
 AND PROFOUND SOUL WITH THE WORLD.   TODAY, WE CELEBRATE 
 MATTIE STEPANEK'S MOM....     OPRAH:  This is revolutionary.  I think this is a 
 revolutionary approach that really can change parenting.  So much so, that I can see 
 in my mind's eye that we're at the very front, forefront, of what will be a revolution, 
 Dr. Shefali Tsabary.    DR. SHEFALI:  I do feel we are on a precipice.  And I do feel like, 
 you know, it's a mission I have to help parents --    OPRAH:  Yeah.    DR. SHEFALI:  -- 
 reclaim their lost self so that then they can meet the spirit of the child who is whole, 
 complete, and worthy and abundant, and then generations can be free.    
 OPRAH:  Right.    DR. SHEFALI:  And to bring back the joy in this journey.  We've lost 
 the joy in the parent-child relationship.  It's become stressful, anxiety ridden, and 
 hard.  And it doesn't have to be.    OPRAH:  And what you say in The Awakened Family 
 is that it is the root of every other problem we have in the world.  And there are lots 
 of people that would argue that, oh, there's politics and there's education and 
 there's poverty and there's on and on and on and on and on. But at the root of every 
 problem is?     DR. SHEFALI:  So this connection between parent and child has the 
 power to end violence.  Has the power to end conflict.  The power to end bullying. 
 This is the power of this relationship. But because we parents ourselves sit within 
 ourselves broken, incomplete, lesser than, we haven't touched upon our own inner 
 sense of empowerment and worth, then how can we shepherd that child to their 
 greatest expression?    OPRAH:  Mm-hmm.    DR. SHEFALI:  So this is what this book, 
 The Awakened Family, seeks to do.  It seeks to help the parent to reclaim their lost 
 self. And the only way to do it is through a revolution. To not do it the way it's been 
 done before.     AS AN IVY-LEAGUE TRAINED CLINICAL PSYCHOLOGIST, DR. SHEFALI 
 LIFTED THE VEIL ON THE DEEPER MEANING OF PARENTING IN HER GROUND 
 BREAKING BESTSELLER "THE CONCIOUS PARENT."    DR. SHEFALI: It means that we no 
 longer look at our children as an extension of who we are.  Because when we do 
 that, we just unleash all our emotional baggage onto them.      TODAY, DR. SHEFALI 
 INTEGRATES EASTERN MINDFULNESS WITH WESTERN PSYCHOLOGY IN HER WORK 
 WITH FAMILIES AROUND THE WORLD - AS WELL AS RAISING HER 13-YEAR-OLD 
 DAUGHTER MAIA.    OPRAH:  So The Awakened Family is really about each person 
 who is parenting moving to their own highest consciousness and also allowing their 
 children to do the same. So as I was reading this, I was thinking, what we need to do 
 is actually explain to people what do we mean by, being conscious --    DR. 
 SHEFALI:  Yes.    OPRAH:  -- or awakened. Because I think the word "consciousness" 
 gets misunderstood.    DR. SHEFALI:  Yes.    OPRAH:  And people think there's 
 some whoo-whoo something to it or some new age definition about it. But I want to 
 know what you mean when you say, living consciously.   DR. SHEFALI:  I believe all of 
 life is a process of evolution. What does that mean? Evolution means that we're 
 always reaching toward, holding onto the vine.    OPRAH:  Yeah.    DR. 
 SHEFALI:  Which will take us out of this jungle of confusion. What is the confusion?  
 We have forgotten, there was some big forgetting that occurred at some point in our 
 history, that made us believe that we were separate from this oneness that 
 surrounds us. There was this big ephiphanic forgetting. Right?    OPRAH:  Yeah.  That 
 we are one with God.  Yeah.    DR. SHEFALI:  So we have forgotten that.  And our 
 entire life now becomes a quest to reclaim that.  We are constantly evolving.  We 
 are. Whether we like to recognize it or not.  Even the most unconscious person, 
 against their -- their greatest will, they are on a process to evolve. Life gives us 
 opportunity after opportunity to ask yourself, is this my truest self?  Or am I living the 
 inauthentic self? Becoming conscious means to recognize when that moment 
 arrives.  And it's coming and it's coming and it's coming. Now, children, why do I talk 
 about children as being the ushers of this greater evolution?    OPRAH:  Because 
 they're the most conscious.    DR. SHEFALI:  They are the most untainted.    
 OPRAH:  Yeah.    DR. SHEFALI:  They're still the closest to that remembering.    
 OPRAH:  Yeah.    DR. SHEFALI:  And we're all seduced to keep forgetting. But yet there 
 is a will in us all, the spiritual seekers, the truth seekers, the light bearers, to go back 
 to that place. So becoming conscious is to recognize the moments that life offers 
 you, which is really on a daily basis.  And with children, on a moment to 
 moment basis.  To start reclaiming who you once were.  The most authentic side of us 
 which remembers that we are worthy.  That we are one with this divinity. If we 
 don't always remember that we are one.  OPRAH:  We --    DR. SHEFALI:  We are one.  
  OPRAH:  -- are one.  Yes.    DR. SHEFALI:  Then we enter the ego.  We split off from 
 that source and enter ego.  And the way the parenting paradigm has been set up is 
 just designed for even a greater boost of ego than I've ever seen in any other 
 relationship.  And how does the ego sound? It's my.  I?  Correct.  We start talking like 
 this.    OPRAH:  Mm-hmm.    DR. SHEFALI:  I, as a parent, my child.  Right?  The 
 possession.  The ownership. It's inherent. That's why I love this relationship, because 
 it's such a trick from the universe.  You know?  The universe gives you children.  It 
 says they're yours.  So it seduces you into thinking it's mine.  You have to call them 
 mine.  Right? I'm not wrong in saying mine.  But yet the child comes out and says, I'm 
 not you.  I'm not you.  I'm not you.  Now deal with me.  Attune to me. Do you 
 recognize my spirit?  I will not belong or be yours. I can come through you, but I will 
 not be yours.  Right?  Kahlil Gibran.    OPRAH:  Kahlil Gibran.   DR. SHEFALI:  So this is 
 where the greatest spiritual learning happens.  That, yeah, I'm connected to you, we 
 are a we, but you are separate from me.  And dancing this, moment after moment, 
 the leaning in and the surrender, how much do I control?  Yet I have no control.  
 Dancing this dance is the spiritual awakening that children allow us.   COMING UP...  
 HOW DR. SHEFALI HELPED ME LEARN TO LET GO OF EXPECTATIONS...  OPRAH:  I had 
 the awareness that, oh, my God.  I am trying to get you to live my dream.  This was 
 not your dream.  AND LATER....  A SURPRISE TRIBUTE TO THE MOTHER TO ONE OF MY 
 GREATEST SPIRITUAL TEACHERS.  CELEBRATING THE LIFE, LESSONS AND 
 MIRACULOUS JOURNEY JENI STEPANEK.  
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 DR. SHEFALI:  Each one of you here today answered the call to go deep within 
 yourself to enter your highest expression, did you not? You came here today to 
 reclaim your lost self.   But here, here is the grand irony.  What you are here to 
 reclaim, you know, you had it once.   OPRAH:  Okay.  So I loved your opening remarks 
 at Super Soul Sessions, you said, "What you are here to reclaim, you had it once.  Do 
 you know that?  You are seeking and searching for what that special something is.  
 You had it.  You had it as a child who knew its might, who had wonder and grace and 
 presence and beauty and worth and significance. That child who was able to stop by 
 every leaf, every petal, and stare at it with rapt attention full of monk-like present 
 moment awareness.  You were that child." So each one of us, in some way, is seeking 
 whatever that was we once had.    DR. SHEFALI:  And we had it.    OPRAH:  And we 
 had it.  And it's still there.    DR. SHEFALI:  It's there.    OPRAH:  Yes.    DR. SHEFALI:  But 
 now it's buried.  And we can reclaim it. But that is what this book offers parents.  A 
 journey to reclamation of the lost self.    OPRAH:  Yes.  I think it's a beautiful book to 
 share with anybody who has a child.  But I know there are the seven myths that I 
 wanted to just touch on today.   DR. SHEFALI:  Before I just talk about getting into the 
 specifics of the myths, I want to explain that we are entranced by a collective 
 consciousness.    OPRAH:  Mm-hmm.   DR. SHEFALI:  Which I call the parental Kool-
 Aid.    OPRAH:  Yeah.    DR. SHEFALI:  Which is comprised of these seven myths. These 
 myths are creating such fear in parents.  And fear is ruling this relationship.    
 OPRAH:  Yeah.    DR. SHEFALI:  Fear rules most relationships.  
  OPRAH:  Yes.    DR. SHEFALI:  Because they so 
 reflect our longing, our yearnings, our incompleteness, 
 that we want to control how this relationship turns out.   
  OPRAH:  Mm-hmm.    DR. SHEFALI:  It's not fear of the child. 
 It's fear for our own destiny because our destiny now is in the hands of 
 this child because we haven't fulfilled ourselves.  You see?  We had children to fulfill 
 ourselves.    OPRAH:  Mm-hmm.    DR. SHEFALI:  We just don't own it.  We don't 
 recognize it.  We check off, oh, children. Marriage.  Career.  Children is a big one.  Is a 
 big box.  You know.  You know.  You didn't have children, Oprah?    OPRAH:  Yes.    
 DR. SHEFALI:  As if you are lesser than.    OPRAH:  Oh, yes, and, you know, actually the 
 last time we did a Super Soul Sunday together and I got a lot of negative, you know, 
 tweet people saying things like, well, Oprah, what do you know?  You haven't ever 
 had children.    DR. SHEFALI:  Right. 
   OPRAH:  Listen, I will be the first to say that it is 
 very different stepping into a young girl's or a young boy's life, you know, when they 
 are pubescent.    DR. SHEFALI:  Right.    OPRAH:  Versus, you know, raising them from 
 the time that they were babies.    DR. SHEFALI:  Right.  Right.    OPRAH:  But I will 
 also say that what I have learned from you in just running my school and being a 
 mother to many of the girls at that school has changed the way I parent.    DR. 
 SHEFALI:  Yes.      OPRAH:  Because the number one thing I let go of is my 
 expectations.    DR. SHEFALI:  Yes.    OPRAH:  Which, you know, at first it sounds like, 
 oh, gee, you don't have expectations?  I let go of what my expectation for what their 
 lives should be --   DR. SHEFALI:  Exactly.    OPRAH:  Yes.    DR. SHEFALI:  Now, you hit 
 upon why parents live riddled in fear.    OPRAH:  Yeah.    DR. SHEFALI:  Because we're 
 not conscious that we have expectations that come really from our own sense of 
 lack.    OPRAH:  Yes.   DR. SHEFALI:  Things that we didn't finish off.  Things that we 
 didn't resolve from childhood. This is what we are not even conscious to.    
 OPRAH:  Yes.    DR. SHEFALI:  So I put this on my child.  And culture tells me, go 
 ahead.  One person you can put your expectations on is your child.    OPRAH:  Yes.    
 DR. SHEFALI:  In fact, you're expected to have expectations.  Right?     OPRAH:  Yes.    
 DR. SHEFALI:  So now if my child is not going to fulfill my expectations, I am going to 
 panic. And my panic will quickly become control.   OPRAH:  Can I share with you just 
 how this showed up for me? After I did our last interview a couple of years ago, I had 
 one of my girls in a school and she was having difficulties and she really didn't like 
 the school.  And I realized that I had talked her into going to that school.    DR. 
 SHEFALI:  Mm-hmm.  Mm-hmm.    OPRAH:  And I had to actually say to her, I made a 
 mistake.    DR. SHEFALI:  Right.    OPRAH:  I made the ultimate mistake.  I wanted to be 
 able -- I, when I was your age, wanted to go to that school.  And I couldn't go to that 
 school.  And so I put my hopes and my dreams on you.    DR. SHEFALI:  Yes.    
 OPRAH:  And that was wrong.    DR. SHEFALI:  Now, let's deconstruct this.    
 OPRAH:  Yeah.    DR. SHEFALI:  And show parents what you just did.    OPRAH:  Yeah.    
 DR. SHEFALI:  You first had the awareness.    OPRAH:  Yes.  I had the awareness.  I 
 said, oh, my God.  I am trying to get you to live my dream.  This was not your dream.  
  DR. SHEFALI:  You went all the way back.    OPRAH:  Yeah.    DR. SHEFALI:  To that -- 
 that mother.   OPRAH:  Yeah.    DR. SHEFALI:  Who only longed for the best for her 
 child.    OPRAH:  Mm-hmm.    DR. SHEFALI:  But beneath the longing were the chains 
 of an expectation.    OPRAH:  Yes.     DR. SHEFALI: You thought, who wouldn't want to 
 go to this school?    OPRAH:  Absolutely.    DR. SHEFALI:  This is the enmeshment that 
 occurs.    OPRAH:  I actually said those words.    DR. SHEFALI:  Yeah.    OPRAH:  Who 
 wouldn't want to go there?    DR. SHEFALI:  So you just slapped onto her a desire that 
 was completely coming from your state of lack from your childhood.    
 OPRAH:  Absolutely.    DR. SHEFALI:  This is where all projection, all dysfunction, all 
 conflict in relationships come from, from the parent putting on the child something 
 from way back.    OPRAH:  Way back.    DR. SHEFALI:  That is a slivered sense of their 
 self, an incomplete part of them, that we just automatically assume the child will 
 want.  But you, because you had a moment of awareness, and your ego was reigned 
 in, you went, maybe it was me?    OPRAH:  Absolutely.    DR. SHEFALI:  Who just set 
 her on the wrong path?    OPRAH:  Absolutely.    DR. SHEFALI:  Set her onto 
 the slaughter house of my spirit?    OPRAH:  Makes me want to cry because I did 
 that.  But you helped me to see that that's what I was doing. So in the moment of 
 her, you know, despair, I thought, I did this.  I projected what I wanted onto this. And 
 the realization of it, the consciousness of it, actually, changed me with every other 
 girl. And so now my entire approach, my entire philosophy, is that I can open the 
 door.  And you can walk through.    DR. SHEFALI:  The way you wish.    OPRAH:  The 
 way you wish.    DR. SHEFALI:  I paved the path maybe.  But you may walk how you 
 wish.     OPRAH:  Or choose not to walk.    DR. SHEFALI:  Manifest the way you wish.   
 OPRAH:  Or choose to not even walk through the door.    DR. SHEFALI:  So you did 
 what conscious and awakened parenting is about.  But look what evolution it took for 
 you to do that.    OPRAH:  Mm-hmm    OPRAH:  One of the other things, too, that 
 you mention so beautifully in The Awakened Family is that, you know, kids get on 
 your nerves.  They bother -- they annoy you.  But kids are not trying to do that.  They 
 are not trying to do things to cause you to say, you're getting on my nerves. They're 
 just being themselves.      DR. SHEFALI:  Well, the state of childhood is contrary to 
 what we adults want.  This is the clash.  I call it the clash of time zones.  The clash of 
 states of being.      OPRAH:  Mm-hmm.   DR. SHEFALI:  We cannot live in the present. 
 We cannot live messy lives.  We are trying so hard to stay away from the pain, the 
 mess, the chaos of life. Children go straight for the rubble and the mess and the 
 chaos.      OPRAH:  Right.      DR. SHEFALI:  Because they're not afraid of getting dirty. 
 So this is contrary to our sense of -- our desire for control.      OPRAH:  Right.    
 DR. SHEFALI:  So we, then, label them. Again, the good children and the bad children. 
  We label them.  We punish them for evoking in us a sense of lack of control, lack of 
 power, lack of orderliness. We cannot stand children who constantly jive up against 
 our sense of control.  We cannot -- we call them bad children.  And culture endorses 
 this view. So unless we do away with labels of good and bad and enter the present 
 moment as you did with your daughter, you did not label her bad. You entered her 
 present moment.    OPRAH:  Right.    DR. SHEFALI:  You attuned with her and said to 
 yourself that this child is trying to express something.  What is her spirit telling me? 
 Now, if we work with that premise to connect, connect, connect, then you set 
 your child free.     (Coming Up)  Dr. Shefali: Our children, young ones, under the age of 5, 
 they're not attached to, how do I look?  Am I complete?  Do I need to become someone? 
 We put this lack onto them.    (Plus) Dr. Shefali:  Parenting is not selfless. 
 The driving force to have a child comes from your own desire to complete 
 something within you. 
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 IN HER NEW BOOK "THE AWAKENED FAMILY," DR. SHEFALI PROPOSES
 SEVEN MYTHS OF PARENTING. THESE MYTHS, SHE WRITES HAVE CONVINCED
 PARENTS HOW CHILDREN SHOULD BE," RATHER THAN ALLOWING THE SPACE FOR 
 WHO A CHILD ACTUALLY IS.       DR. SHEFALI: So let's take a big myth.  They're all big.  
 But the first one I talk about is that parenting, we've been told, is about raising the 
 child. And parents say to me, well, what could be wrong with that?  Who should I be 
 raising?      OPRAH:  Yes.      DR. SHEFALI:  And when I turn the spotlight to them and I 
 say that you cannot even dare to have the audacity to think about raising another 
 being until you yourself are parented.  You have raised your own self to the highest 
 level of evolution.  Then you can aspire to meet this being who is living in the 
 present.  Who has no attachment to identity. Our children, young ones, under the age 
 of 5, they're not attached to, how do I look?  Am I complete?  Do I need to become 
 someone? They say to the world, they declare, if they had a chance --       OPRAH:  
 They are born knowing they're enough.    DR. SHEFALI:  They don't think I need to 
 become a lawyer, a scientist, go to any Ivy League School to give themselves a stamp 
 of approval. We put this lack onto them. So if we continue with this idea that we are 
 noble beings, selfless.  Right?  And I tell parents, you have to own that there's a big 
 degree, a high amount of narcissism, egoic desire to fulfill your own self to have 
 children. Parenting is not selfless. There are elements of selflessness in it.  But the 
 driving force to have a child comes from your own desire to complete something 
 within you.      OPRAH:  Wow.   DR. SHEFALI:  And that's why children revolt. Either 
 they withdraw because they've just been shackled with compliance after compliance, 
 or they revolt.  And then, boy, then we're told by culture, oh, now you better punish 
 them. Culture is not outside of us, you know.     OPRAH:  Yeah, so the myth is that 
 parenting is about the child, even though you are parenting your child, parenting is 
 really about you.    DR. SHEFALI:  If you don't raise yourself first.      OPRAH:  Yeah.      
 DR. SHEFALI:  And parent yourself.  You will then aspire to make your child a mini 
 version of yourself.  So you're actually not even raising the child then.  You're just 
 raising yourself.  So let's just call it what it is.  Rein that ego in. Parent yourself.  And 
 then you will attune to your child.  Then you will make space for the spirit of your 
 child to unfold.     OPRAH: Okay, Number 2.  A successful child is ahead of the curve.   
 DR. SHEFALI:  Oh, goodness.      OPRAH:  Oh, goodness. It's ridiculous.   
   DR. SHEFALI:  You tell me.      
 OPRAH:  What is going on in this country. It's ridiculous.    
 DR. SHEFALI:  And you know high school is no longer high school.  We are supposed 
 to complete two years of college now in high school?     OPRAH: Wow.    DR. SHEFALI:  
 So we're just cranking the pressure.  And so, again, the illusion, the mad delusion, is 
 that I'm doing this for my child because we believe that success creates the Holy 
 Grail of life, which is purpose, happiness, joy, and meaning. This is not so.  You know?  
 I don't know how to tell parents in a gentle way, you are now sending your child off 
 further and further away from their authentic self into a life of doing, doing, doing.      
 OPRAH:  But the -- the question is, how do you then have a child that can compete 
 in this world --      DR. SHEFALI:  Correct.  OPRAH:  -- if your child is the one child who 
 is playing under the cardboard boxes and, you know, making little stick people.   
   DR. SHEFALI:  Correct.   
   OPRAH:  And doing child-like things while another child is 
 learning calculus by the 4th grade.      DR. SHEFALI:  And, look, just as you say that, as 
 a human being, as a mortal sitting here listening to you, I go, oh, my God.  I'm 
 feeling anxious.  The minute you pitch it that way.  And parents pitch it to me all the 
 time.  What if my kid is the only kid who is left behind?  My kid is the only one who's 
 not getting into college?  How would my kid feel that day?       OPRAH:  Right.   
   DR. SHEFALI:  And what a disservice I would have done.    
  OPRAH:  Right.  
    DR. SHEFALI:  So that's the parent who's drunk the Kool-Aid.  Right? 
 And, look, anxiety rules the roost.   
  OPRAH:  Didn't you have an experience relating to this myth when you went to enroll your daughter --    
  DR. SHEFALI:  Yes.  Yes.      OPRAH:  -- in -- tell me about that.   
   DR. SHEFALI:  So my daughter was 8 years old, which I already 
 thought was far too young to start structured activities.  But I figured, okay, you know, 
 maybe she should explore her creative side. So I go to the neighboring school and I 
 enroll her in beginners' ballet class thinking I'm, like, a doing parent finally.  
 I'm gonna join the race. And the woman looks at me and says, well, you do know she 
 will be with 4-year-olds. And I go, no, no, no.  She's 8.  What do you mean she'll be 
 with 4 and 5-year-olds?  And she whispered to me, because she felt embarrassed for 
 me, and she said --      OPRAH:  You poor thing.      DR. SHEFALI:  -- you're a bit late.  
 You're a few years late already.  They've been taking classes since they began walking. 
 And this was fascinating to me.      OPRAH:  Yeah.      DR. SHEFALI:  And created 
 anxiety immediately. See, all these --      OPRAH:  Right.      DR. SHEFALI:  -- these 
 myths --      OPRAH:  Because immediately did you think I'm not a good parent.  
    DR. SHEFALI:  I'm lesser than.  Look at me, I'm a loser. I've created failure now. 
 Now I've created lack in my child. She's going to be a misfit. 
 She won't get into any school.  What will I put on the resume? 
 So these things are designed to create anxiety. 
 And we are all drinking this every day and endorsing this. 
 And we need to stop.       
 DR. SHEFALI:  Because the 3-year-old isn't saying, mom, you know, I saw 
 that neighborhood ballet school.  They're just saying, let me dance in the living room.  
    OPRAH:  Yes.      DR. SHEFALI:  I'm happy doing that.    
  OPRAH:  With my cardboard box. 
 Okay.  So we already talked about there are good children and bad children. 
 But good parents are naturals.  Let's talk about that.     
   DR. SHEFALI:  Now, because it's --   
   OPRAH:  I love this in the book.  I love this. 
 Because so many people are, like, parenting is such a natural thing.  
 It's, God gave these children to me and, therefore, that makes me a natural --    
  DR. SHEFALI:  An expert.      OPRAH:  Yes.  Absolutely.   
   DR. SHEFALI:  So I don't need to be told. Don't check on me. 
 I don't need to check on my ego.  I never need to question myself.   
   OPRAH:  Mm-hmm.  
    DR. SHEFALI: But the myth that says parenting is natural superimposes 
 this idea into the parental DNA that you know your child because it's yours and you 
 can do with whatever you want.   OPRAH:  Yes.     DR. SHEFALI:  And this is the 
 madness, the delusion, that we fully believe because we want unbridled power after 
 all.  So we're never going to become humble about this journey unless we are 
 invited to.  And that's what we're trying to do today.  We're trying to tell parents, the 
 universe is sending this being to you so that you can enter the present moment, 
 reacquaint what it means to be a child yourself, and enter your full-on presence. This 
 is the only reason these children are coming to you.  They're not coming to you to 
 further seduce you to believe that you have more and more power, false 
 power.  Because we don't have power over any being, least of all our children.  This 
 should be the primary lesson that we are sent home with from the hospital.      
 OPRAH:  Revolutionary.  That's just revolutionary. (Coming up)  DR. SHEFALI:  I tell 
 parents, love your kid a bit less because the love is messing this up.  OPRAH:  That's 
 so big, the producer's writing it down.  That's so big.  That is huge.  
 MUSIC
 AS A CONSCIOUS PARENT RAISING HER 
 OWN THIRTEEN YEAR OLD DAUGHTER, MAIA, DR. SHEFALI 
 SAYS WHATEVER CAREER OR LIFESTYLE MAIA CHOOSES DOES NOT MATTER.  
 DR. SHEFALI SAYS HER GOAL IS TO RAISE A CHILD WHO IS FIRMLY ROOTED 
 IN WHO SHE IS, WHO IS CERTAIN OF HER WORTH, WHO IS ABLE TO EXPRESS 
 HERSELF WITH AUTHENTICITY AND BE GROUNDED IN THE TRUTH OF THEIR 
 RELATIONSHIP.        OPRAH:  A good parent is a loving one. That's another myth.  
  DR. SHEFALI:  That's another myth.  All you need to have is love.   
 OPRAH:  Oh.       DR. SHEFALI:  I tell my --   
   OPRAH:  Haven't we seen a lot of messed up kids who came from that?    
  DR. SHEFALI:  From a lot of love.  
    OPRAH:  Yes.      DR. SHEFALI:  First I tell parents, 
 love your kid a bit less because the love is 
 messing this up because love is blind.  And what that means is not that it's 
 unconditional.  It's truly blind. You're not even seeing the child in front of you. You're 
 just so consumed by your need to be loved back.  By your need to feel love yourself.  
 It's all about you, you, you. So let's put love aside.  And now let's talk about 
 consciousness.  Because love without consciousness becomes need.  Dependency.  It 
 becomes control in the name of love.  And that's what we're doing with our 
 children.  But I love you.    OPRAH:  That's so big, the producer's writing it down.  
 That's so big.  That is huge.  Love without consciousness becomes need and 
 dependency.    DR. SHEFALI:  And control.      OPRAH:  And control.      DR. SHEFALI:  
 How many parents have you heard --      OPRAH:  Oh, my gosh, is this a tweetable 
 moment.  Because I know so many of you, like -- like I am.  You're listening and you're 
 thinking of friends who were raised this way, yourself being raised this way, and how 
 this has shown up in your life.  Yeah.     DR. SHEFALI:  You spend a thousand dollars 
 on your kid's birthday party. Your kid dares to have a tantrum in the birthday party?  
 What, are we going to react with love?  Where does love go in that moment? 
 Right?  It's not about love.  It's not love for the other.  Because true love for the other 
 comes with freedom.  Liberation.  It comes without any condition.  Without any 
 hand asking for something back.      OPRAH:  So this is interesting.  As I'm listening to 
 I'm thinking, and when I was reading The Awakened Family, I was thinking, wow, if 
 you could just be conscious, you sort of enter the same flow as your children, easier 
 said than done, of course.  I know that.  So don't tweet me about it. And it just 
 becomes easier.  Parenting becomes easier.  It becomes a part of who you are. And 
 you sort of gracefully move into that. Or, if you're pushing against it and resisting it 
 trying to prove that this cannot be true.    DR. SHEFALI:  Yes.    OPRAH:  Then it 
 becomes harder.    DR. SHEFALI:  So who's making it harder? We're doing it ourselves.  
  OPRAH:  We're doing it ourselves.    DR. SHEFALI:  The keys are now in our hands, 
 and we're not opening the door to our freedom. Our children are saying to us, let go 
 of your script of who I need to be. Enter my as is.    OPRAH:  But you know why that's 
 so hard?  And I can see why you all resisted as parents, because it's not convenient.   
 DR. SHEFALI:  And who has time?    OPRAH:  Who has time?  It takes so much time 
 and interest and presence.    DR. SHEFALI:  Right.    OPRAH:  Yes.    DR. SHEFALI:  But 
 this entire life is designed for us to enter presence.  Whether we like it or not. What 
 are the biggest lessons people learn after a huge trauma?  I have to let go of my ego.  
 I have to let go of the should have and the fantasy life and enter the as is.  I have to 
 surrender --    OPRAH:  Yeah.    DR. SHEFALI:  -- to the grace of this moment. So our 
 children are teaching us this every moment. OPRAH:  Mm.    DR. SHEFALI:  They are 
 taking us to our greatest courage.  But we are not taking the invitation.  It's the most 
 profound and easy invitation. But it requires a moment by moment presence.    
 OPRAH:  I know.    DR. SHEFALI: If we can understand this journey in these terms, at 
 least then we're better prepared.  Right?    OPRAH:  Right.    OPRAH:  So I love this 
 other -- this Myth Number 6   you have here is, parenting is about raising a happy 
 child. I mean, I think that's what everybody thinks and so why is this a myth?   
  DR. SHEFALI:  Because our children don't need to become happy. 
 Life is not about happy, happy anyway. 
 Life is to be experienced in every nuance as it presents itself in the as is.  
  OPRAH:  Yes.    DR. SHEFALI:  Engagement with life, to me, is happiness.  Is pure joy.   
 OPRAH:  Yeah.    DR. SHEFALI:  Engage with it fully.    OPRAH:  Yeah. 
 I think that's so powerful for everyone, children or not, listening.  I think 
 the pursuit of happiness, particularly in our culture, makes people think it is my right. 
 And that is the number one goal is to be happy.    DR. SHEFALI:  So any 
 painful moment, then, is to be ridden of immediately.    OPRAH:  Yes.     DR. SHEFALI:  
 So as a parent of a child, it is our sacred obligation to not teach our children to run 
 away from life as is.  If they're crying about rejection from a friend, instead of 
 teaching them to change themselves to fit in, enter the present moment and teach 
 your child, rejection is inevitable.  But it has nothing to do with your sense of worth.    
 OPRAH:  Wow.    DR. SHEFALI:  Not everyone needs to love you. Because you need 
 to love who you are.  You just need to find your tribe. Teaching children this is 
 pivotal.  But when our child cries, we get anxious, and we want to fix it.  Because we 
 have been taught, fix pain. Don't enter pain.  Don't integrate pain.  We were severed 
 from our --    OPRAH:  Absolutely.    DR. SHEFALI:  When we cried as children, we were 
 never held, attuned, taught to feel it, befriend it. We were taught to split from it.  
 This is what we do with our children.    OPRAH:  And parents believe they need to be 
 in control.  That's --    DR. SHEFALI:  That's the uber myth.    OPRAH:  The uber myth.    
 DR. SHEFALI:  We are told, your child -- your name -- the other day a parent said to 
 me, but my child bears my name.    OPRAH: (Laughter.)    DR. SHEFALI:  So I tried to --  
  OPRAH:  I understand that.  I understand that.    DR. SHEFALI:  I tried to deconstruct 
 each word. I go, the "my" is problematic in itself. This my.  There's no ownership to 
 the spirit.  And here we are in this perverted delusion thinking that we own them and 
 can do to them whatever we wish. And we want our children to bear our legacy.    
 OPRAH:  Yes.    DR. SHEFALI:  This is our grand idea.  We cannot leave this earth 
 without leaving something behind. Our children are not to be burdened with that.  If 
 we want to leave our legacy, it's all up to us.  Nothing to do with our children.   
 (Coming Up)  DR. SHEFALI: Every parent wants me to tell them how to. How to get my 
 child to listen. How to get my child to fulfill my fantasy. So, this has to end.    
 (Plus) Oprah: What is the role of the parent?  What is the true job of the parent? 
 MUSIC
 Enlightenment   comes from letting go of   our dependency on others  to fill the void 
 we feel within.    OPRAH:  So I think if there's only one thing you gather from The 
 Awakened Family it's this, you say, on page 52, "Many of the expectations we have of 
 our children are unspoken. Despite what we don't put into words, 
 children intuitively sense when we wish them to be other than they are.  Sense that 
 we want them to fulfill our fantasies of who they will grow up to be and what they 
 will accomplish.  Yes, some children rise to this challenge and are successful.  But for 
 every child who does, there are a host of others who buckle under the pressure."    
 DR. SHEFALI:  And those children just fall by the wayside.    OPRAH:  That's right.   
 DR. SHEFALI:  And it's time now for us parents to own this unchecked ego.  We have 
 to look in the mirror that our children offer us, this relationship, and see how we are 
 perpetuating disconnection versus connection every moment with our children, 
 every parent wants me to tell them how to.  How to.  How do I do this? You know 
 what they want.  Right? Complete the sentence.   OPRAH:  Yeah.    DR. SHEFALI:  How 
 do get my child to listen. How to get my child to stop annoying me.  How to get my 
 child to fulfill my fantasy. The how-to, inherently, is filled with dogma.    OPRAH:  How 
 to get my child to come under my control and adhere to my wishes.   
 DR. SHEFALI:  Follow my script.   OPRAH:  Follow my script.  Yes.   
 DR. SHEFALI:  Follow my script already.  So, this has to end.  
 There is no how-to anymore.  There's only 
 looking within asking, yes, how can I create conditions in my home?      
 OPRAH:  So what is -- you talked about this in The Conscious Parent. What is the role 
 of the parent?    DR. SHEFALI:  Yes.    OPRAH:  What is the true job of the parent?    
 DR. SHEFALI:  Two tasks the parent has to commit to on a moment to moment basis.  
 What is this moment reflecting about my unfinished self?  My unresolved issues.  
 DR. SHEFALI:  So the child who's dawdling at homework. What will become of this 
 child?  Maybe this child will be homeless?  What does this say about me as a parent? 
 We feel the same anxieties every moment. The task of an awakened parent is, what 
 do we do with this moment?  Do we go inward?    OPRAH:  Mm-hmm.  DR. 
 SHEFALI:  Or do we project it outward through reactivity and control. So that's the 
 first task of an awakened parent is to ask that question.  What does this moment 
 reflect about me?    OPRAH:  Moment to moment.  Yes.    DR. SHEFALI:  And the 
 second task, the control I give parents, and they go, really?  Tell me, tell me, what's 
 the control I have?  I say to them, you have control over the conditions that you 
 create in your home. So if you see that your child cannot detach from the screen, 
 guess what? You get to go and talk to your child and possibly take the phone away 
 and say, it's not for your highest good. And I know you're angry with me right now.  
 But I know --    OPRAH:  Mm-hmm.  DR. SHEFALI:  -- that this is not for your highest 
 good. So if we can tap into what is for the highest good of our children, only when 
 we've kept our ego in check, we do get to create conditions, you know, because 
 parents will come to you and me and say, oh, she's talking about having crazy, wild 
 children who just paint on the walls and spit on their neighbors' food and yell at the 
 grandma. No.  That's not what I'm advocating. I'm advocating a heightened level of 
 consciousness on the part of the parent.  OPRAH:  And your children are here to 
 make you a better, more conscious human being. 
 DR.SHEFALI:  Only.  OPRAH:  Only.  DR. SHEFALI:  Only. If you just hold that as your 
 central, sacred role with your children, you will do right by them.  You will only help 
 them to become their higher self?  OPRAH:  Beautiful.  Thank you again.  
 Revolutionary.     (Coming Up)  HE WAS ONE OF THE MOST AWAKENED PEOPLE I'VE 
 EVER KNOWN...MATTIE STEPANEK LEFT AN INDELIBLE HEART PRINT ON THE 
 WORLD... IN THIS WEEK'S SUPER SOUL ORIGINAL SHORT, 
 I VISIT MATTIE'S MOTHER, JENI. 
 [Applause] Come on, let's here it for Jeni!
 HER LIFE AND LEGACY HAS STRETCHED LONGER THAN ANYBODY EVER THOUGHT 
 POSSIBLE.      IN TODAY'S SUPER SOUL ORIGINAL SHORT, MY VISIT WITH ONE OF THE 
 MOST INSPIRING MOTHERS I'VE EVER MET....   JENI STEPANEK AS SHE CELEBRATES 
 THE MIRACLE OF ANOTHER BIRTHDAY.      JENI IS THE MOTHER OF ONE OF MY 
 GREATEST SPIRITUAL TEACHERS, MATTIE STEPANEK... MATTIE WAS ONE OF THE 
 MOST AUTHENTIC, LOVING SOULS I HAVE EVER KNOWN.   WINFREY:  So you've been 
 writing poetry since you were how old?   MATTIE STEPANEK:  About three.   MATTIE 
 STEPANEK:  I have a song deep in my heart.  I write to express my thoughts, my 
 feelings.  I want people to think. So that we can understand how we need to 
 listen to our heartsongs and spread peace with each other.
  JENI INSTINCTIVELY KNEW HOW TO FOSTER AND 
 ENCOURAGE THIS PRECIOUS GIFT TO THE WORLD.     MATTIE STEPANEK:  I really think 
 I'm here for a purpose, even if it takes me one year or 1,000 years, I have to do what 
 I was meant to do.   MATTIE PASSED AWAY ON JUNE 22ND, 2004. HIS SPIRIT WILL 
 ALWAYS ABIDE IN ME.  FOR MANY YEARS, JENI HAS BATTLED THE SAME RARE FORM 
 OF NEUROMUSCULAR DISEASE THAT CLAIMED ALL FOUR OF HER CHILDREN: KATIE, 
 STEVIE, JAMIE, AND MATTIE.    TODAY, MATTIE'S MEMORY LIVES ON THROUGH HIS 
 WRITING AND JENI'S COMMITMENT TO FULFILL HIS PEACEFUL PURPOSE THROUGH 
 THE MATTIE J.T. STEPANEK AND "WE ARE FAMILY" FOUNDATIONS...   THIS PAST YEAR, 
 JENI RECEIVED A HARROWING CANCER DIAGNOSIS...SHE HAS ENDURED ENDLESS 
 AND SUCH EXCRUCIATING HEALTH COMPLICATIONS WITH COURAGE AND GRACE. 
 I'VE NEVER SEEN ANYTHING LIKE IT.
 TO HONOR HER REMARKABLE LIFE, JENI'S FRIENDS AND FAMILY GATHERED FOR HER 
 BIRTHDAY AND SURROUNDED HER WITH LOVE. OW:  OK so here's the deal. 
 Jeni Stepanek is turning 57 and she's having her 83rd birthday as a bucket list just in 
 case she doesn't make it. She's the most amazing, strong, powerful, willful woman 
 I've ever known, read or heard about. And I'm going to surprise her here.  OW: Tell 
 me this-where does the will to not just live, but to be fully present now, and the will 
 to live with such hopefulness, where does that come from?    JS: Part of it comes 
 from God.  God gave me a purpose on Earth and I live celebrating that purpose. I am 
 a strong person spiritually.  I have gotten through somehow, barely sometimes, losing 
 all four of my children and yet, that purpose that's given to me by God, I still 
 recognize it and I pray every morning, the first thing, when I wake up, no matter how 
 sick I am, no matter how ill, much pain I'm in,  
  I wake up every morning just with wow, thank you, I'm alive and I set out 
 to live with purpose that day. And on the days where you still say how am I going to 
 do this today? Have you seen this party?  These are people from my childhood, from 
 every job I've had, children that I taught when I was a school teacher 30 years ago, 
 here with their children. Sometimes when I can't come up with a good enough 
reason to take that next breath, I let somebody else give me a reason. (Man at party: 
 Jeni is a person that touched my soul.   Woman at party: No matter where you are in 
 the world, she's there for you.   Man at party: We love you, Jeni)    OW: I've never 
 seen a woman with such strength and my definition of strength, which is also the 
 physical definition, is strength times strength times strength equals power. Strength 
 over time equals power so I've actually never seen a woman more powerful than 
 you.      OW: Do you find strength from Mattie's life and also his death?    JS: I have 
 never ever witnessed worse suffering than what Mattie went through.  And Mattie 
 went through it not always physically able to smile, but spiritually able to smile.   To 
 pray, to think of other people.  Before he died, he challenged me, choose to inhale.  
 Do not lay down in the ashes of my life, do not simply breath to exist, choose to 
 inhale.  And I draw strength from that.  I choose to inhale.  I don't just survive, I 
 thrive. This young man is named Mattie, after my son.
   HAPPY BIRTHDAY, JENI...THANK YOU FOR BRINGING YOUR LOVE AND LIGHT 
 INTO THE WORLD.   
   Jeni: Because this began as a bucket list, which is something 
 you do when you're faced with some overwhelming odds of surviving. I wanna leave 
 you with this thought.  One day we will all die.  But on all the other days, we will not 
 and so today let's toast and celebrate to all those other days with gratitude.  We are 
 family. We are an amazing mosaic.  Party on.  Thank you. (applause)  
 SEE YOU NEXT SUNDAY...
 
