-This is a real
"time flies" situation for me
that you're starting
your fifth season.
Because I remember when you were
there on your first day.
It's crazy
that it's been five years.
-It's --
Yeah, it's long.
-Yeah.
-Yeah.
-And you have Adam Driver.
You have Kanye West.
This is a very good
season premiere.
Do you feel good about that?
-Yeah, it's sick.
-Yeah.
-Yeah.
-And Adam's hosted before.
-I'm just, like,
happy to be there.
-You're still --
So that's good.
Five years in,
you're happy to be there.
-Yeah. 'Cause, like,
I don't deserve to be there.
so, like, I just --
[ Laughter ]
I feel like I'm getting away
with something.
-You definitely
deserve to be here.
What is your -- You know,
we're late in the week.
We're Thursday.
So Tuesday night is, of course,
writing night.
What is your writing-night
process like?
-Well, usually everybody there
stays and works really hard.
Um...
[ Laughter ]
I, uh --
I come in for two, three hours
and talk to the one writer
that'll deal with me.
[ Laughter ]
And then just -- I'm like,
"Is that --" and I leave.
[ Laughter ]
-Do you bring something
to the table, historically?
Do you feel like you have ideas?
-Oh, I bring it to the table,
but they don't like it.
[ Laughter ]
But, like, I get it.
-You had a lot of sketches
that are great.
I always am drawn
to the stories about sketches
that were maybe --
did not work perfectly.
-Oh, yeah.
-Arm-wrestling with The Rock.
Tell me about that one.
-Oh, yeah.
So I saw "Over The Top."
-Yeah,
a Sylvester Stallone movie.
-Yeah. And, you know,
it's about arm-wrestling.
-Yeah.
-And The Rock is very big,
and, you know, I'm me.
[ Laughter ]
So I figured it would be funny
if we arm-wrestled
and, like,
he ripped one arm off.
And then he goes to walk away,
and I'm like,
"No," like, "Other arm."
[ Laughter ]
And then, you know,
my son's there,
and he like, you know,
winks at me and all this.
You know,
everybody's on my side,
and then he just
rips my other arm off.
[ Laughter ]
But, yeah, just nobody --
-Nobody was behind that?
-No. And it was weird,
'cause, like, I was armless,
and The Rock was like, "Aah!
Aaaah!"
And it was silent.
[ Laughter ]
So I just watched
my sketch bomb.
-[ Laughs ] With no arms.
-With no arms.
-In an alternate universe --
Obviously, in the universe
we live in,
Alec Baldwin plays Donald Trump.
There was -- you auditioned
for Donald Trump.
Everyone in the cast auditioned
for Donald Trump.
-Yeah, let me just --
Before you show --
They made us all audition.
[ Laughter ]
I wasn't at home, like,
"Let's go."
-Yeah.
-You know what I mean?
So, yeah.
-And so -- But there you are.
This is a very rare photo.
[ Laughter ]
-Yeah, that is.
-And how was...
[ Applause ]
-Yeah.
Thank you, everybody.
-How was your Trump?
Be honest.
-You know, I didn't even --
I was so upset
that I had to do it,
it was just very --
it was very bad.
-By the way, he's upset
that he has to be president,
so that might have --
-Yeah.
-You could've pulled from that.
-What a [bleep] dork.
[ Laughter ]
I'm sorry.
-That's all right.
Please, we're on very late.
[ Light laughter ]
You -- since I last --
you were last on the show,
you got engaged.
Congratulations.
-I did. Yeah.
[ Cheers and applause ]
All right.
Thank you very much.
-We have talked -- I believe
we talked on this show
about how back in the day,
you would just
leave your door open,
and your friends would have
sort of carte blanche to come
over and crash on your couch.
-Yes.
-Is there now a --
-That day is over.
-That's over. Okay.
-I am not friends
with them no more.
-Just fully wrote them off
as friends?
It was not safe?
-That's the best thing about
your life getting better.
You just don't have to hang out
with those people anymore.
[ Laughter ]
What? No.
What, am I gonna lie?
-Do you think they knew
as soon as you got engaged
that it was over for them?
-Oh [bleep] yeah.
-Okay, yeah.
[ Laughter ]
-Yeah, I called one of my boys.
He was like, "I knew it.
Best of luck," then he hung up.
-And that was it?
That was the end of it?
-Yeah, yeah.
-You guys have taken a big step
for a couple that is engaged.
You bought a pet?
-Yeah, we got a pig.
-You got a pig.
-Yo, can I just say,
like, this girl --
She was like, "I want a pig."
And then, an hour later,
it was just there.
[ Laughter ]
You know what I mean?
Like, I'm still trying to
get a Propecia refill
for the last two weeks.
This chick got a pig
in a [bleep] hour.
-Does she just
say it to the universe
and the universe hears?
-Yeah, she was like,
"I want a pig,"
and then it was there.
[ Laughter ]
It was [bleep] dope.
-And pigs, of course,
are a hyper-intelligent animal.
-Sure.
-This is --
But this is a Manhattan pig?
-Yeah.
Oh, it's a top bitch.
-Yeah.
[ Laughter ]
-It's a bougie pig.
-There you go.
There's your bougie pig.
[ Audience "Awws" ]
-That's Piggy Smalls.
-That is not a joke.
-Yeah.
-You named the pig Piggy Smalls.
-Yeah.
-Yeah.
[ Laughter ]
-Yeah.
-How old is the pig now?
-I don't know,
but it's big now.
-Okay.
[ Laughter ]
-That was like a week ago, and
it's double, triple that now.
-Do you -- Are you sort of
every day seeing why less --
you know, more people
don't have pigs?
-Yeah. I get --
The first two days,
it was really new
and didn't move much.
But then --
Now it's starting to bite.
-Yeah.
[ Light laughter ]
-Starting to do stuff like --
It's a pig.
-Yeah.
-You know? They do that.
So, you know, I see why.
-Well, it's interesting.
I feel like when you live
in a city with 7 million people
and none of them have pigs,
most people think,
"Maybe I won't, also."
-Yeah.
[ Laughter ]
-You're all-in on the pig.
-I love it, yeah.
-Yeah.
-I want it to get big and fat.
I'll walk it down --
-Well, I got good news, Pete.
-Yeah.
[ Laughter ]
-You have about 50 tattoos.
-Yeah.
-And you already
got a tattoo of the pig.
-Of course.
-There you go.
There's your --
-Yeah, there it is.
-There's your tattoo
of Piggy Smalls.
Yeah.
[ Audience "Awws" ]
-Yeah.
-That's fantastic.
And now you're kind of --
I mean, now you're --
-Yeah, I don't think.
I just kind of do.
-Yeah.
[ Laughter ]
-Yeah.
-Well, that's, I think, the di--
That's why you're great
as a couple,
because she can just
summon a pig,
and then you can just
-Yeah, yeah.
