What it do, son? This week, we gettin royally f**ked with "A Game of Thrones," by George R. R. Martin.
Man, this is gonna be a b*tch. So, this
book split up into a buncha different narratives.
Each chapter is told from da perspective of one of the main characters like Ned, Daenerys, Jon, Arya —
I could go on, playa. But I'mma break down this bad boy by gettin all geographical on yo asses.
One plot takin place on da West Side, one on the East Side, and da other up at a big-ass ice wall up in da North.
We'll get to dat later, but for now, let's see what's goin down over here.
Ned Stark is the top dog of a hood called Winterfell, the swolest kingdom in the North.
After takin care of some brotha who couldn't keep his word, Ned start truckin it back to Winterfell,
but before he get there, he say, "Sh*t man, I'm gonna rep dem Stark colors
and adopt some of deez direwolves right here."
So, he get a direwolf for every child he got — his three legit sons, Robb, Bran, and Rickon,
his two daughters, Arya and Sansa, and his bastard love child, Jon Snow — you know, the pretty one.
So, old Ned ready to chillax back at his crib, when da King Robert Baratheon swang into town,
and Ned be like, "Oh sh*t, brotha, what you doin in my hood?"
Da king like, "Son, you heard da news? My right hand man, Jon Arryn, just got murked,
and ain't nobody know why."
Ned like, "No sh*t?"
"Word. You gonna get my back and be my new advisor?"
"Man, dat ain't really my style."
But when Ned's woman, Catelyn, get word from her sister, Lysa,
that it was Robert's Queen and her fam, the Lannisters,
dat were behind the hit, Ned like, "F**k it, let's do this, King."
Now, the Lannisters be another one of da great crews of the Seven Kingdoms.
King Robert is married to Cersei Lannister, and her twin bro, Jaime Lannister, is supposed to protect the king,
in case anyone try to step.
Lata',
Ned's boy, Bran, just mindin his own business when ugh!
Shawty walk in on Cersei gettin some of dat bro-sauce from Jaime!
Now, dat ain't right.
They gotta make sure Bran don't snitch, so they toss his little ass out a window.
Now, he ain't dead, but dog is f**ked up and don't remember nothin.
So, Ned heads to King's Landing with his two girls, Sansa and Arya.
Joffrey, the 12-year-old son of da king, and Sansa's future man, is always talkin smack and tryna start sh*t.
When he f**k wit lil Arya though, shawty
show him what's up.
Arya's direwolf gets all up on dat hater, and Arya not only swipes his blade, but throws it in the damn river.
Joffrey whines like a little b*tch, and Sansa's direwolf gets wrecked by the Queen,
since Arya's already skipped town.
Things between the Starks and the Lannisters ain't lookin so good.
Back in Winterfell, some hood-ass brotha try to ice little Bran while he snoozin,
so Catelyn head to King's Landing to tell Ned what went down.
Ned hook up wit Varys, the master of secrets, and da king's shysti-ass advisor, Petyr Baelish, who like,
"Hey, psst. Dat knife belong to Tyrion Lannister, the little dwarf brotha to Cersei and Jaime."
So, Catelyn hits up her sister, Lysa, and puts Tyrion on lockdown in her crib. Tyrion ain't there long, though.
Brotha shakes them haters off after some gangsta named Bronn wins his freedom by wreckin some fool.
Eventually, Ned figure out da secret dat put Jon Arryn in the dirt — Joffrey ain't even the king's legit son.
He da inbred love child of Cersei and Jaime Lannister. Ugh!
Dat mean he ain't got no right to da crown.
When Cersei realize what Ned know,
she like, "Damn. I gotta get dat crown on Joffrey's head before da word gets out."
So, girl plots on her hubby, and King Robert gets ganked in a "hunting accident."
Now that he dead, Ned grabs Petyr Baelish and say,
"Dog, I need some thugs to get my back while I challenge Joffrey's claim to the throne."
Baelish like, "Sho thang, blood. I got you."
But Baelish betrays him — Joffrey becomes king and slices Ned's damn head off. Ice cold!
When Ned's oldest boy, Robb, hear his daddy been done dirty, he start building a phat crew of Northerners.
After makin a Lannister army his bitch, everybody start callin him "The King in the North." Swag.
Aight, so this is what we got goin on in this big ice cube up in the North called "The Wall,"
which keep out these savage humans called Wildlings — and whateva da hell other sh*t out there —
from messin wit the seven Kingdoms.
Ned's bastard, Jon Snow, grindin as a man of the Night's Watch,
which basically is a crew of virgins who devote their lives to guardin the wall.
Jon always lookin out for this fat-ass bruh named Samwell.
He a nice dude and all, but dude can't do sh*t with a sword.
Lata',
Jon find out dat some of his Night's Watch homies got smoked in combat,
and now they been goin all "Thriller" up in here —
they straight up become crazy, undead hustlas called "Others."
Sh*t.
So when these haters try to throw down, Jon saves the Lord Commander from gettin wrecked.
When Jon get word dat his daddy been murked, he try to join his bro, Robb, in the good fight.
But after some Night Watch big dawgs tell him he best pick duty over love, he jus like, "Man, f**k it."
So, Jon packs up dem nuts and stays a man of the Night's Watch.
On da East Side, two siblings named Viserys and Daenerys Targaryen tryna crew up wit some soldiers.
See, their daddy was rockin da crown before Robert Baratheon, so them two kids thinkin that throne is theirs.
So, Viserys allies with this badass motha named Khal Drogo by slangin Daenerys's ass at him.
As a wedding present, Daenerys get three petrified dragon eggs —
primo sh*t, since nobody done peeped a dragon in ages.
Viserys always talkin mad sh*t to Daenerys and slappin her up like he own her or somethin.
But when he finally threatens Daenerys and her baby she got comin, Khal jus ices dat hater.
Lata', Drogo gets shanked in a battle, and some healer say she gonna help him,
but girl just make it worse, and Drogo get so dead in the head, that Daenerys just end it for him.
All to' up, Daenerys start to burn her
hubby's body with them three dragon eggs.
Then she decide, "F**k it. I'm gonna walk my ass over into dat fire. Cuz, why not?"
When dat fire done blazin, all dat's left is Daenerys chillin with three baby dragons suckin at those titties. The end.
Alright, let's start with the basic sh*t.
Like you probably guessed from the series title, this book strapped wit images of ice and fire.
Now, a lot of 'em are gonna jump right on out at ya. For example, that Stark crew all iced out.
Da Stark motto is "Winter is coming," and Ned's sword even called "Ice."
Plus, we got them ice-cold Other-Brothas roamin around. Burr!
On the fiery side,
we got Daenerys chillin in flames and headin up a brand new posse of three fire-breathing dragons.
But we also gettin some subtler shoutouts to ice and fire.
When somebody from the Night's Watch gets wasted by one of the Others,
"The pale sword bit through the ringmail beneath his arm. The young lord cried out in pain.
Blood welled between the rings. It steamed in the cold,
and the droplets seemed red as fire where they touched the snow."
But don't trip, homegirl, cuz that ain't all — 
we got some pretty tight symbols in da novel, too.
My personal fave is the direwolves. When Ned and his churrin find da mama direwolf on page 18,
Mama Dub got a foot of shattered antler stuck all up in her throat.
If you open up yo eyes and peep da House Baratheon sigil, you'll see that they got a stag front and center,
whereas the Stark crew got a grey direwolf.
So, dat wolf dyin from an antler foreshadowin dat old Ned Stark bout to get his sh*t wrecked,
and dat House Baratheon gonna have somethin to do with it.
Them direwolves also tellin us a lil somethin somethin bout they owners.
Bran say, on page 21, dat Jon Snow's wolf was da first to open his eyes, while the others still blind.
Likewise, Jon Snow see a buncha sh*t that other people don't.
"A bastard had to learn to notice things, to read the truth that people hid behind their eyes."
Plenty mo peepers where dat came from, son, cuz eyes and sight poppin up all over "A Game of Thrones."
Dat badass Syrio Forel say he da most throwed up warrior in town cuz of what he call "the seeing."
"Opening your eyes is all that is needing. The heart lies and the head plays tricks with us, but the eyes see true.
Look with your eyes. Hear with your ears. Taste with your mouth. Smell with your nose. Feel with your skin.
Then comes the thinking, afterward, and in that way knowing the truth."
When da sh*t go down, and you gotta go toe-to-toe wit some hater,
a real gangsta don't just keep his heart in check, but also his mind, man.
You gotta chill out, observe everything around you, and then you get a little taste of the truth.
But, if this book showin us one thing, it's dat ain't nobody got a lock on truth —
not even da realest thug of them all, Ned Stark.
Homeboy puts the truth aside twice for the people he love, and pay for it with his head.
As da Lord Commander of The Night's Watch preachin, "The things we love destroy us every time."
In a world where errybody backstabbin errybody on the reg,
how's a brotha gonna feel like he got any control over his destiny, man?
Well, maybe da only power you can really count on is power over yourself.
Tyrion droppin the same knowledge on Jon Snow.
"Let me give you some counsel, bastard…
 Never forget what you are, for surely the world will not.
Make it your strength. Then it can never be your weakness.
Armor yourself in it, and it will never be used to hurt you.
"If they want to give you a name, take it, make it your own. Then they can't hurt you with it anymore."
So, take the power into your own hands and make sure to pre-order the "Thug Notes" book.
For those of you that don't know, it's coming out in August,
and it'll be the dopest breakdown of the classics you'll ever read, for real.
