CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Good evening and welcome to
Have I Got News For You.
I'm Frank Skinner.
In the news this week,
archive video footage shows that
the man who developed the TV format
of The Voice didn't get it right
first time.
Following last week's disastrous
Champions League blunders,
Liverpool fans
will be happy to see
their new multi-million-pound
goalkeeper celebrating his arrival.
Two weeks after the royal wedding,
footage of the cucumber sandwiches
being prepared
explains why Camilla
spent the next day in the bathroom.
And at a secret location in England,
the bodyguard looking after
Sergei and Yulia Skripal
finishes off another day's laundry.
On Ian's team tonight
is a playwright
who once said of television,
"It is the most difficult medium
to work in -
"it doesn't know if it wants
to be art or mass entertainment."
Well, tonight, it's neither.
Please welcome Lucy Prebble.
Hello.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And with Paul tonight is
a comedian who, as a German,
is just about the only person here
who has blanked out his diary
for the whole World Cup.
Please welcome Henning Wehn.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Thank you.
OK, we start with the bigger stories
of the week.
Ian and Lucy, take a look at this.
OK. Next Prime Minister.
Oh, no!
Ah, that's the country
as he wishes it was.
Black and white.
Oh, looking decisive.
Yeah. Oh, yes. Move to the right.
Oh, who's that?
That's George Soros,
trying to make us vote again.
Well, that's the big story, then.
Brexit. Again. Just for a change.
Yeah. It's ongoing, isn't it?
It does appear to be, doesn't it?
It's very strange.
It's like American news is perfectly
suited to the medium of today,
like 24-hour news and Twitter
and all of that.
Lurid, it happens incredibly
quickly, and it's all crazy.
And then British news
is just one thing forever,
like a turgid epic poem
that just goes on and on,
where you don't really understand
what's happening or any of
the people featured in it.
HENNING: Everyone in here,
if you had your time again,
who would vote differently?
Well, what's that going to tell us?
No, no-one!
LAUGHTER
I tell you what that is going to...
50% put their hands up.
Well, that's conclusive.
No, what that tells us
is it's absolutely pointless
to have a second referendum because
for anyone to vote any different,
they would have to admit
they got it wrong the first time.
No-one's going to do that.
No, people don't want to do that.
All that talk about how,
if there's a second referendum,
it will be 80-20
in favour of Remain.
Not on your nelly. No chance.
It will be exactly the same outcome
because, say you weren't happy
with the level of immigration
two years ago, you're not going
to be happy about it now. No.
So, if you thought, two years ago,
the country was run by unelected
European Union bureaucrats, well,
nothing over the past two years
would have changed
your opinion on that.
And if you were daft enough
to fall for
that 350 million quid a week
for the NHS lie,
you're daft enough to fall for
something else next time round.
APPLAUSE
It's a complete waste of time.
Let's just get on with it.
What a terrific policy that is.
You should be in the Cabinet.
Doesn't matter what it is,
let's do it.
Fantastic, Henning.
You are wasted in comedy.
Britain went to the polls
on June 23rd, 2016.
And was there a question,
do you fancy
some never-ending palaver?
LAUGHTER
A small majority of people said,
"That's exactly what we're after.
"Upheaval, and loads of it."
And now we're having upheaval,
lovely. Let's get on with it.
LUCY: We do love palaver. Mm.
Oh, you know,
I'm going to miss you guys.
LAUGHTER
This is the news
that billionaire George Soros
is funding a campaign to have
another referendum on Brexit.
How much money is
George Soros worth?
Even... I mean, I think even just
his philanthropic work,
he's given away
more than 10 billion.
Well, he's...
He's a hedge fund manager. Yeah.
He's currently worth
about 6 billion...
Oh! HENNING: Oh, can we donate?
..and he has spent half a million
on the Best for Britain campaign,
which, if you think about it,
is only 0.0083%
of his total wealth,
so he hasn't gone crazy.
It's like me putting in, say,
a quarter of a million.
LAUGHTER
How did he acquire his wealth,
according to the respected historian
and social commentator
Roseanne Barr?
We might get in trouble just
by repeating things that she said.
She called him a Nazi. Yes. Yes.
She had a Twitter spat
with Chelsea Clinton
in which she declared...
If he's ever a guest on here,
that'd be a nice introduction.
It's not true, though, is it?
No. No, it's not true.
He's a hedge fund manager.
I mean, which you can either
approve or disapprove of,
but, I mean,
his wealth is on display.
And he says, "I am paying out
"cos I want to change
the Brexit verdict,"
which has annoyed people.
And what must be annoying for him,
though,
is that I believe
he was born in Hungary
and he was sort of 13 or 14
at the time of the Second World War.
Sorry, Henning, I don't mean
to bring that up, but...
Well...
LAUGHTER
It took us a good two,
three minutes, so I'm happy.
I just would imagine it's quite
annoying to then be called a Nazi,
particularly at a time
where there are some people
literally calling themselves Nazis.
What are you doing about that,
Roseanne Barr?
Well, pretty much you're
supporting them. It's pretty bad.
What did Roseanne blame
this terrible remark on?
Didn't she blame it on Ambien
or something, some medication?
Yes, she blamed it
on sleeping pills.
And the chief executive officer
of Sanofi said...
APPLAUSE
But what's happened? She's been
sacked from her show? Yeah.
Yes, they've pulled her TV show
and her agent has sacked her.
And she's had three offers
from Top Gear.
Meanwhile,
Ireland has been the focus
of a lot of news stories this week,
and some reporters have been
clearly working around the clock.
Let's have a look.
Let's speak to our
Ireland correspondent Chris Page,
who's in Dublin for us this morning.
And, yes, Chris, there are
the questions for Northern Ireland,
but focusing on the Republic -
a huge social change, this.
CROAKS: Yes, that's right,
Chris. Excuse me.
There'll be lots and lots
of reflection, I think, today
on the momentous nature of yesterday
and the vote that was taken -
Ireland voting
by a margin of two to one
to liberalise their abortion laws.
It's a bit late for puberty
to hit him, isn't it?
That's what all Irish people
sound to me like.
You're good on that tightrope,
aren't you?
When I said you were leaving,
I didn't think it was tonight.
So, what's Jacob Rees-Mogg
been struggling with this week?
Should he be Prime Minister or not?
Is that what you're after?
No, it's his investment company.
Oh, the Russian investments.
Yeah, let's answer that.
It's much more fun.
His hedge fund,
or private equity capital company,
has been revealed
to be huge investors in Russia.
And Rees-Mogg has repeatedly said,
"We've got to punish Putin.
"We've got to have
really effective sanctions."
And then someone - it was
the Mail on Sunday, in fact - said,
"Well, what about your company?"
"Do you think
you shouldn't invest there?"
And he said, "Oh, no, no, I don't
make the investment decisions.
"Someone else does that.
It's emerging markets.
"I couldn't possibly say that."
Take back control,
but not of your own investment.
Great story. I loved every minute.
LAUGHTER
Hasn't he made some manoeuvres?
Yes, he said that he doesn't want
to be Prime Minister,
which is hugely popular. Right.
LAUGHTER
But hasn't he literally moved house
to be much nearer to Downing Street,
to sort of a £5 million,
£10 million property
from which he can sort of talk about
the elites ruining the country?
Absolutely. Sounds good, yeah.
Absolutely.
I mean, he needs a big old house.
He has got about 20 children,
doesn't he?
You're exaggerating. He's got six.
Why doesn't he live in Somerset?
Because he's the MP for Somerset,
isn't he?
He lives there,
as well, Henning. Ah.
In this country, you're allowed to
live in two or three places at once.
Is that how he's managed
to have so many children?
No, but that's the thing
I don't quite get,
because he's a Londoner, isn't he?
He was born in London. Was he?
How can he be the MP for Somerset?
He's not from there.
It's a constituency system.
Because surely there must be
someone within Somerset
who has got Conservative leanings.
I wouldn't mind giving it a go,
but, no, they have
to get someone from London.
He was born in Somerset,
and his family come from Somerset.
But he wasn't very loyal
to Somerset, though, was he?
Yeah, but we don't really mind
about any of that.
We just want our political figures
now to be like cartoons, basically.
He looks like he comes out of
The Beano, basically,
and that's what we like.
Him versus Theresa May,
it's sort of a competition
of who looks like they've been drawn
by Quentin Blake the most,
and that's what we like.
We have a picture of him
with his oldest,
and can I say that
we have had to cover the face
of his child for privacy reasons.
The photo of Jacob Rees-Mogg
with his son
actually caused some outrage
on The Telegraph's letters page.
Tony Parrack from London wrote...
APPLAUSE
According to the Mail...
I didn't realise,
to become Prime Minister,
you first had to be
in the catchment area.
According to the Mail...
Or as Jacob Rees-Mogg calls it,
a new build.
What was the French president's
radical approach
to citizenship this week?
Oh. If you can climb a building
and save a child,
you can become a French citizen.
Exactly. Simple.
Very great story.
Very good story. Yes.
He granted French citizenship
to Mamoudou Gassama,
a migrant from Mali,
for bravely rescuing a child
who was dangling from
a tall building.
Let's see that.
And this week,
there were millions of immigrants
just climbing up buildings
all over Paris.
Spider-Man on every front,
looking for four-year-olds
to rescue.
It might have been quite amusing
if he'd just kept going,
if he'd sort of...
Turned out it was a short cut on his
way to work.
How was the government's
Defence Minister Gavin Williamson
put on the spot this week?
By Richard Madeley,
of all people. Yes.
Richard Madeley was standing in
for Piers Morgan
on ITV's Breakfast With Twats...
AUDIENCE GASPS
..and he decided that
an item on elephant poaching wasn't
what viewers were interested in,
so he got a bit...
It must be a hell of a saucepan.
So, let's see
hard-hitting Richard Madeley.
Do you regret using very casual
Trump-esque language
like, "Shut up," and, "Go away"?
Please don't tell me what happened
cos we know what happened.
Do you regret using that language?
That is the question. Well,
what was right is actually
we came together with our allies
and made it clear to Russia...
You're not going to answer, are you?
OK. ..that they couldn't act in
that behaviour. OK, all right.
That was the right thing to do.
Interview terminated because
you won't answer the question.
Good luck with
the African elephant project.
That is an excellent thing to do,
but it would be helpful
if you answered a straight question
with a straight answer.
AUDIENCE: Ooh!
APPLAUSE
I never thought I would say,
"Bring back Piers Morgan."
But are you going to say,
"Bring back Piers Morgan"?
No, I've changed my mind.
Yeah, yeah.
But he's pretending to be Piers.
How tragic is that?
I mean, Piers being Piers is tragic.
Well, he's become rather popular,
I think, as a result of this.
He's kind of, you know,
basically talking over somebody,
arguing with them
and then getting rid of them.
And that's just Judy.
Well, he said
it's the most popular thing
he's ever done on television.
Well, that's even worse.
I have to say,
it's a list I'd like to peruse.
Richard Madeley once came up to me
at a party and said,
"Are you wearing pants?"
And I thought
he needed a pair quickly.
And I said, "Yeah."
And he said, "I never do. Never."
Knowing that
has undermined this performance.
Anyway, this is the news that
George Soros has launched a campaign
for a second Brexit referendum.
George Soros has been attempting
to undermine
the result of the EU referendum.
According to The Guardian,
Soros is...
A spokesman for Labour said, "See?"
LAUGHTER
Meanwhile, President Macron
granted French citizenship
to a man that rescued
a child from a balcony.
Watching the dramatic scene
on YouTube,
Donald Trump couldn't help
but be moved, exclaiming,
"We're going to have to build
that wall a hell of a lot higher."
Paul and Henning,
take a look at this.
Ah, lovely carrots being picked.
Avocados. Avocados and carrots.
It's somebody from 1940.
Oh, yeah, hello.
And - oh, God - these dreadful
self-service machines
in supermarkets where, essentially,
you work for them.
Avocados and carrots -
nobody can tell the difference.
It's shoplifting, isn't it?
Computer-assisted shoplifting.
Computer-assisted shoplifting.
Robots. Of sorts, yeah.
So, essentially,
you pretend that you bought carrots,
but you're going home
with the avocados
because they're cheaper
by the kilo, the carrots are. Right.
Is that why that woman had
such ludicrously large sleeves?
Yeah, exactly.
Just smuggling avocados. Yeah.
What happens is,
at the self-checkout,
customers key in carrot
when it's actually
an avocado on the scale.
It's a simple trick
that supermarkets
are hoping won't be publicised.
LAUGHTER
Criminology expert Emmeline Taylor
was working with retailers
to reduce shoplifting when
something extraordinary emerged...
In a further shocking revelation,
supermarkets found that...
I'm not going to say how I know
this, but just for your information,
40 carrots -
about one bottle of Prosecco,
if anyone fancies one.
That's what I heard.
What acronym has Miss Taylor
painstakingly created
for this type of shopper?
Probably something
to do with "shop".
I can tell you that
she calls them SWIPERS.
It's one of the most middle-class
things I've ever heard. It's...
That's great.
APPLAUSE
Which high street shop
do you hate the most?
WH Smith. WH Smith.
It's got the most number
of complaints
from a survey of 10,000 people.
Yes, sadly. Yeah, they don't sell
nearly enough copies of Private Eye.
They're all me, the complaints.
The staff aren't particularly
well trained these days
and they're not giving good service,
apparently.
I don't think of them
so much as a shop
as, like, a museum for 12 years ago
that you can kind of wander round
when you're waiting for a train.
And you're sort of like,
"Ooh, wow, do you remember
"when we used to fill
our Filofaxes with that?
"Or buy magazines
which are kind of just glossy pages
"that make you hate yourself
that you then throw away?"
Not all magazines are glossy
and people throw them away.
Yeah, sorry.
Some have a sort of matte finish and
they don't make you hate yourself.
They make you hate
nearly everyone else.
LAUGHTER
Yes, an annual survey
by "Which?" magazine
revealed that WH Smith
is our least favourite shop.
One customer told "Which?"...
Of course, you might find more staff
standing around those tills now,
loudly demanding to know why
you've got a carrot on the scales
when you're actually buying
a stapler.
What always amuses me
about WH Smith in stations
is that you can buy a bottle
of water and The Daily Telegraph,
and that is then cheaper than
just a bottle of water on its own.
There are reasons for that.
They assume that
if you buy The Daily Telegraph,
you must have a drink problem.
Hospital patients and visitors
had a bit of a shock
when they tried to buy toothpaste
in WH Smith. Why was that?
Very expensive. Yeah,
more expensive than anywhere else.
They hiked up the price
of Colgate to £7.99.
According to The Guardian,
the same tube could be bought
in Superdrug or Sainsbury's for £1.
WH Smith insisted this had
happened accidentally and...
Apparently, in Yorkshire,
the packaging claims that
it fights ee bah gum disease.
That's why we had this question.
And it was worth every moment.
They do seem to have
some pricing issues.
Do you need some folders?
Here you go.
You can buy three for £3.99
or, if you want,
you can buy three for £4.99.
Pritt Stick? £1.69 each
or the bargain price of two for £4.
What about some Minstrels?
Two for £3 or £3.25 each.
To be fair to WH Smith, they do
offer some genuine reductions.
There's a delightful game
of Cat Bingo for sale.
It was £19.96. Now £19.95.
I've never seen that breed of cat
before in the middle - Serengeti.
Very lovely looking cat,
but I've never seen one like that.
Do you cross one off
when you see it? Is that the idea?
Yes, that's probably it, isn't it?
You get a bingo card
with pictures of cats on them.
I bet you're right.
I bet that's what it is.
No, I think you have
to run one over.
LAUGHTER AND BOOS
When you fill up your card,
you shout, "Mouse!"
Thank you very much.
I'm here all week.
Let's move to the luxury end
of the retail market.
For £935,
you can get this
from fashion designer
Balenciaga. It's a T-shirt
with a dress shirt
stitched to the front of it.
LUCY: What?!
HENNING: And that costs £995?
935. Stop exaggerating!
Well, if you're daft enough
to wear a shirt like that,
you're daft enough to pay
that amount of money, aren't you?
IAN: Is it two in one?
Can you wear it the other way round?
So you can wear the dress shirt
and the T-shirt's on the back?
Are you considering that?
I am. You'd go for that?
For my casual and smart wear.
You'd always feel like
you were queuing.
Be great for sodomy, I must say,
but still...
Sorry. Sorry, everyone.
That was one of those things...
Is that an old catchphrase, Frank?
Served you well in the old days?
I'll say it did.
It bought me a big house.
Has it got a back garden?
LAUGHTER AND GROANS
You're making up your own jokes
and then groaning!
Ah, but thank you
for coming with me.
I'm sure you've said that
more than once.
APPLAUSE
Do I detect a note of "end of term"
in the atmosphere?
This is a claim that shoppers
are running expensive avocados
through self-checkouts
but saying they are cheap carrots.
Carrots aren't always cheap.
The one Theresa May offered the DUP
cost over a billion quid.
They don't have this sort
of problem in Scotland.
If anyone tries to buy a vegetable
there, an alarm goes off.
And so to Round Two,
The Picture Spin Quiz.
Fingers on buzzers, teams.
BUZZER
This is Raheem Sterling,
the England footballer,
who, it's just been revealed
this week,
has a new tattoo
on his right leg of a gun.
And this has caused a great deal
of consternation amongst...
I think The Sun was the first
to pick up on it.
They're saying
it's glorifying gun culture,
whereas his version of the story is
it's because his father
was killed, shot,
when he was very young.
It's a kind of reference to that.
It's tattoos, isn't it?
When I was growing up,
the only person I knew
who had a tattoo was Popeye.
But now... You knew Popeye? Yes!
I knew Olive Oyl before she was
Virgin Olive Oyl, I can tell you.
APPLAUSE
Not sure how that's technically
possible, but never mind. No.
So, yeah, that's what it's about.
HENNING: And he says it isn't
finished yet. There's more to come.
How's he going to soften it up,
exactly?
I'm not a tattoo designer.
I get mistaken quite frequently,
but, no, I don't know.
Maybe, like, have a Smurf there
or something.
That would do it! Some people
are demanding he plays in leggings
in the World Cup to cover it up,
but Sterling has asserted
his right to bare legs.
LAUGHTER
Frank, you're a football fan.
Is there a racial element
to the criticism?
He gets a lot of incredible stick
for no very good reason...
LUCY: What sort of thing?
He's been singled out
by the tabloids. Here's one - he...
LUCY: Oh, well... And that he...
Well, that's just stupid,
because they'll be empty in a week.
On the one hand, they say
he's too flash, and on the other,
he got criticised for shopping
at Primark or something, wasn't it?
I once flew easyJet,
and the headline in the paper...
What, just the once? Yeah.
How did you get back?
The headline was "Frank Skinflint".
Because you went on easyJet?
Yes! Is that fair?
Sorry.
Social media is a theatre
for a lot of tattoo discussion.
There was one I particularly liked -
someone called Penman Declan
thought that the picture
might actually show
Sterling's fellow footballer
Peter Crouch.
And I couldn't see it
at first, but look!
So, Sterling's Man City team-mate,
Leroy Sane,
has a tattoo on his back
of someone who's been
a real inspiration to him
and who he'd like
everyone else to appreciate.
Do you know who it is? His dad?
I remember watching his dad,
Souleyman Sane,
play for Wattenscheid
when he came over from Senegal,
and I remember seeing him
many times live.
So, it's his dad, then? No.
No? It's...
On Leroy Sane's back,
there is a tattoo of Leroy Sane.
LAUGHTER
There it is. LUCY: Wow.
That's confident, isn't it?
I think it's so if you see him
on the beach walking past,
you go, "Ooh, was that Leroy...?
Oh, yeah, it was."
OK, yes, this is Raheem Sterling
and his controversial gun tattoo.
A lot of England fans say
it's crossed the line,
but then again, Henning,
they said that in 1966.
Come on, it's better than the war!
It's very much same level,
isn't it? Yeah, well...
I had a tattoo on my 60th birthday.
LUCY: Did you?
Yeah, it's just my name and address.
APPLAUSE
Time now for the Odd One Out round.
Your four are
Queen Victoria's Coronation ring,
the 14.35 from Newcastle to Reading,
New Zealand, and the new lift shafts
at Maghull Station near Liverpool.
I'm guessing this is something to do
with things that didn't happen,
because there's been
complete timetable meltdown. Mm.
I mean, the trains haven't arrived
or they've been cancelled, or...
I mean, Northern is the worst,
but all the railway companies
have been unbelievably terrible.
I just mention it.
Obviously it doesn't
bother me, personally.
I just hate them all.
Sorry, what's the question about?
Ian's pleased to be
on this show every week,
cos at least he can get a seat.
Isn't that right?
APPLAUSE
He's very pleased.
Where did the Reading train end up
this week? That's the sort of...
Oh, was it in Manchester?
New Zealand?
Well, it went somewhere opposite
to where it was supposed to go.
LUCY: What's the opposite
of Reading?
PAUL AND IAN: Illiteracy.
APPLAUSE
Oh, classy! Simultaneous.
The answer is
they're all in the wrong place,
except for New Zealand, which
launched a new campaign recently
to remind people
that it's there at all.
It's true!
Why is New Zealand having
to remind people of its existence?
Does it not appear on a lot of maps?
Indeed! It keeps getting
missed off maps. Aww!
And the Kiwis are not very happy.
Here it isn't on a standard map
of the world.
HENNING: Oh! Here it isn't
on the wall of a Starbucks
in Bournemouth.
They've done their research,
haven't they? Yeah!
But best of all, here it isn't
on the New Zealand government's
own website!
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
So, what happened to the 14.35 from
Newcastle to Reading last Friday?
It ended up in Liverpool.
Well, it got lost
after taking a wrong turn.
That's the most
pathetic excuse ever.
If the driver doesn't know the way,
there's so many tracks out there...
Or maybe he forgot his map? Yeah.
And then,
even when you realise your mistake,
them trains are
notoriously difficult
to turn round again, aren't they?
And it arrived in Pontefract
instead of Reading.
It was eventually terminated
in Sheffield...
So, the new lift shafts
at Maghull Station on Merseyside
were built in the wrong place,
according to local resident
Andy Wells.
Why is Mr Wells furious about that?
Is it a view from his house?
Yeah, here he is
relaxing in his garden.
According to Andy, the towers...
Well, if you've got the number
of that builder, Andy...
Network Rail failed to comply
with the original plans,
and admitted that the position
of the lift shafts is out by...
Andy, who's furious,
expressed his feelings
to the Liverpool Echo...
So, what happened to
Queen Victoria's Coronation ring?
I'll give you a clue -
it's something to do with
an archbishop.
Oh, he nicked it? No!
He put it under his cassock,
said, "It's a carrot"...
..and ran for it. Well, it must have
been put on the wrong finger.
There's nothing else that
it could be. That is correct.
According to royal historian
Carolyn Harris...
There was also a terrible mix-up
when they put Prince Albert's ring
on the wrong penis.
That was the Duke of Argyll,
wasn't it?
On the subject of the wrong place,
if you think you've accidentally
walked into the back of
a TV crew's film shot by mistake -
you know when people
walk into the back of a shot? -
how would you deal with it?
I think walk normal pace,
then run round the back,
and just keep appearing.
Well, this man thinks
he has got the answer.
And as a result, they say that
that is discriminatory.
It goes against equality law
and it infringes, they say,
on Article 8 of the
European Convention on Human Rights,
which is that
it violates their right
to a private and family life.
They also say...
You see, I don't think
he'd even seen her.
I think he was just running
a little bit early
for an appointment.
Yes, they're all in the wrong place,
except for New Zealand,
which has launched
a new campaign recently
to remind people
that it's there at all.
At Queen Victoria's Coronation,
the Archbishop of Canterbury forced
the ring onto the wrong finger.
A similar mistake happened when,
much to Prince Charles's dismay,
the ring that was supposed
to be put on Camilla's third finger
actually went on Diana's.
LAUGHTER AND GROANS
According to the Daily Mirror,
a train from Newcastle to Reading
stopped at Pontefract,
Yorkshire, and...
All's well that ends well!
Time now for
the Missing Words round,
which, this week,
features as its guest publication
Bee Craft, the informed voice
of British beekeeping.
Yeah, a real buzz about it.
RELUCTANT LAUGHTER
Apparently, the Queen reads it.
And we start with...
LUCY: Prince Philip's
changed the locks.
HENNING: They're related.
They're man and wife! Man and wife!
Shocked couple return home from
honeymoon, find they're related -
they're man and wife.
It was the story of a happy ending.
A whiff of incest, as that
unfortunate perfume was called.
Never sold much at Christmas,
did it?
But that's what it is - finding a
married couple are husband and wife.
No, it's...
After 11 days
in the Dominican Republic,
20-somethings
Thomas and Rebekah Entwistle
returned to
their Lancashire property,
"with stunning countryside views",
to find the local farmer
had erected this...
Oh! It wouldn't happen
in the South of England.
I mean a couple in their 20s
owning their own home.
OK, next one...
HENNING: Manoeuvring themselves
out of an open window.
No, it is...
According to the researchers
at Queen Mary University...
That's something the England
football team could be trained for,
isn't it?
To roll a ball into a defined area.
OK...
LUCY: Now decorates
the White House pillows.
A lovely image! It's quite sweet.
The answer is...
The discovery of dandruff
on the dinosaur fossil
had one leading palaeontologist
scratching his head,
which he now realises
that's how it got there.
Next one...
HENNING: After making
a pro-European comment?
No, it's a pensioner.
Mr Elliott was banned
from Wetherspoons pub in Camborne
for complaining there were
only five pieces of chicken
in a meal that was meant
to have ten.
Wetherspoons' chicken nuggets can be
dipped in a thick sticky sauce
if you drop them on the carpets.
OK, next one...
Brexit.
LUCY: Nectar points?
Oh, yes. Very good! Excellent.
APPLAUSE
No, zero. Zero?!
They understand the concept of zero.
Particularly, apparently,
bees living in
the West Bromwich area.
There are some football fans
who believe
that the name of your club
is West Bromwich Albion Nil.
Oh! Right?
Oh, this has got to be space travel,
doesn't it? Intergalactic war.
Something like that, yeah.
Yeah. It is...
Yes. If it all goes to plan,
Virgin Galactic will take off
and maintain speeds
of 2,500mph for 70 seconds,
at which point,
a replacement bus service
will take passengers
the rest of the way.
Next...
LUCY: Are starting to hum.
AUDIENCE: Ooh! Love it!
It doesn't REALLY work.
Don't think about it too much.
It's actually interesting,
this. They...
Scent from a bee's feet
tells other bees
that a flower has
already been visited.
So, bees' feet are
incredibly complicated
and an essential tool
in pollen-gathering.
In many ways,
they're the bee's knees.
RELUCTANT LAUGHTER
What...
Come on, make your mind up.
Don't like it or like it.
What...
LUCY: It must be bee-related.
Bees can't get enough
of flowers in Slough?
They're just nice flowers?
Is it bees?
It isn't bees. It isn't bees.
I'd be surprised
if you guessed this one.
Is it Mick Jagger? It's even more...
"He can't get enough
of satisfaction in Slough?"
It's even less likely
than Mick Jagger.
Ooh, Bill Wyman.
No, it is actually...
LUCY: Did not see that coming.
This is according to a piece
in the Mail.
The article also includes
a competition in which...
Yes, the room service
can be a bit slapdash.
Finally...
Goes to Hiroshima.
HENNING: Has been rejected
as Italian Finance Minister.
I know this -
he was hit in the head.
They found one of the bodies
left in Pompeii,
and he survived the initial shock
and the lava,
and then he was hit
by a bit of falling masonry.
That is absolutely...
I shouldn't laugh.
Henning just needs
to go to the loo quickly.
I've had enough of all this.
I'm going back to Berlin.
We're nearly there. I know.
I did say to him, "We only have
a couple of minutes," but...
But never mind. It's...
Our first casualty of Brexit.
We'll have a lot of empty chairs.
I didn't think
they'd take them mid-show.
Are you going to stand in, Steve?
Going to continue without him?
STEVE: Yeah. Yeah, go on. Yes.
I suppose we're going to have
to get used to it eventually.
LAUGHTER
That's going to be good
for his morale, isn't it?
He'll leave the studio
and he'll be climbing
the tower block across the road.
OK, let's carry on, then.
Ian is right. The answer is...
After surviving the initial eruption
of Vesuvius,
one man was struck
by some falling debris.
Let's please have a look at how they
found him after a recent excavation.
LUCY: Gutting!
No, I love the fact -
topical news quiz -
the only question I got right
is about Pompeii!
So, he's back. OK, so...
Do you want to do the mic?
Just might as well.
In case he says anything.
So, where were we?
So, the final scores are,
Ian and Lucy...
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
So, the final scores are,
Ian and Lucy have 4 points,
but Paul and Henning have 6 points!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
But before we go, there's just time
for the caption competition.
HENNING: I've seen him on YouTube!
He was teaching that pug dog,
and he's still at it there,
teaching the Hitler salute
to all them dogs.
You always have to bring it up,
don't you?!
The next one... "Of course,
I was turned down for the conga."
Man makes mistake and baits
fishing rod with labrador bait.
Where's the catfish?
GROANS
Thank you!
"This is not my idea
of a holiday, Malcolm."
And I'll leave it up to you
as to which one's saying it
to the other one.
"Oh, no. You wanted
to bring the wheels.
"I said, 'You won't need them,'
but oh, no!
"Oh, might as well
be talking to myself."
On which... "I don't know
where your trousers have gone.
When did you last see them?"
I'll stop there.
And I leave you with news
that the Government admits
that funding cuts are affecting
their witness protection programme.
Scientists have identified
yet another dangerous thing
that may contain nuts.
And recent paparazzi photos from
Ant McPartlin's countryside retreat
suggest his rehab
is still work in progress.
Goodnight.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
We're just doing
a little rewrite on this one.
You're doing a rewrite?
LUCY: Late in the day.
Went worse than I thought!
