 
A Decision Based On Love

By Kristy Sawtelle

Copyright 2012 Kristy Sawtelle

Smashwords Edition

Smashwords Edition, License Notes

Thank you for downloading this free ebook. Although this is a free book, it remains the

copyrighted property of the author, and may not be reproduced, copied and distributed for

commercial or non-commercial purposes. If you enjoyed this book, please encourage

your friends to download their own copy at Smashwords.com, where they can also

discover other works by this author. Thank you for your support.

# Chapter 1

A single shard of sunshine was just peeking in the curtain when Shari opened her eyes for the first time. She stretched with a long lazy yawn. It felt wonderful to have a good night sleep. Especially on a day like today when she wanted to be full of energy. She was convinced that only those who had spent countless pain filled, sleepless nights could truly appreciate the simple joy of sleeping soundly. Shari woke up slowly, savoring those early morning thoughts and planning her day. She snuggled up against the back of her husband of 35 years. He grunted and pulled the covers up over his head so she kissed him on the back and got out of bed. It always took a few minutes of standing there to adjust to the hip pain. It was worse in the mornings and the first few steps of every day could be excruciating. That's one of the symptoms of severe hip arthritis. Hours of inactivity made joints stiffen up painfully.

After a few minutes of walking around and stretching, her hip joint began to loosen up. The shooting pain lessened. She had felt worse. Perhaps today would be a good day.

Shari knelt by her bed to begin her day with a prayer. Maybe it was because it was something she had done since childhood and maybe because prayers filled with gratitude always reminded her of how much she had to be happy about and started her day off in a positive way. When pain is your constant companion you need to be regularly reminded of the good things. Today especially, Shari was filled with a sense of overwhelming blessings. It was her 55 birthday and she knew that she had packed more joy into her 55 years of life than most people ever got to experience. She had been blessed, and if she wanted the good things to continue she better make sure and acknowledge every one of them.

When she peeked up from her prayers her husband Todd was watching her with a slow, lazy grin. "Good morning beautiful," he whispered, as he patted the bed beside him.

Shari glanced over at the full length mirror on the wall and laughed out loud. How could he possibly call her beautiful? Her short blond hair had more gray than blond and it was sticking up in every direction. She could swear her skin looked wrinklier than it had yesterday and her hot pink baggy pajamas were as flattering as a neon potato sack. Still, Todd made her feel beautiful. He always had. He loved her more now than he had when she was young and pretty, and he told her every day. It wasn't just words either; he acted like he was the luckiest man on earth. Todd was definitely in that prayer of gratitude. Shari climbed back into their king size bed, wrapped her arms around him and snuggled up to his chest.

"When are you going to give me my birthday presents?" she asked

"What? Is it your birthday?" Todd feigned dismay. "I thought maybe now that we're getting older we would just be like those people who ignore birthdays and pretend they didn't happen."

"Nice try. I am the queen for the day and will be treated as such in every way. If you fail to meet my expectations I will be forced to withhold my affections."

Todd thought that was hilarious. "You couldn't withhold your affections if your life depended on it. You'd be all over me inside of 12 hours."

Shari was working on a scathing retort when the vibrating cell phone grabbed her attention. It was just as well. Todd was right. She couldn't keep her hands off of him and they both knew it.

The phone call was her daughter Cami singing the happy birthday song. She finished with a flair that made Shari smile. What her daughter lacked in vocal talent she made up for in enthusiasm.

"Good morning. What are you doing for the day?" Cami asked in her sing song voice.

"Good morning. I am just beginning my day with a delicious breakfast prepared lovingly by my adoring husband." Shari shot Todd a threatening look. He threw up his hands in surrender and stomped of in his pajama bottoms to see if they had anything he could make for breakfast.

"Can't wait to see you this weekend. We're bringing your present with us. Are the boys going to be there too?" Cami questioned.

"Yes, everyone's coming. We're going to barbecue, play some outdoor games and roast s'mores on the fire pit. Tyson said he'd bring his guitar, and the kids are in charge of making a birthday cake so it should be absolutely perfect."

"Mmmm, sounds like a heavenly, relaxing weekend. Can't wait. We'll be there early Saturday sometime. Gotta go, my hair is still wet and I'm running late. Have a wonderful day. Love you mom."

"Love you too sweetheart," Shari wasn't sure if Cami heard her before she hung up.

Todd had made a fruit and yogurt bowl for her and a bagel for him so they ate a leisurely breakfast on the patio while they planned their day.

There was a time when a birthday would include hiking, mountain bikes, a set of tennis and maybe some rock climbing. They had always been active and loved the outdoors, but with Shari's hip degeneration they had tried to find things they could still do together that didn't require walking. Kayaking had become the new sport of choice and they took their kayaks out as often as possible on the nearby lake. Today however Shari really wanted to try to hike a small mountain and enjoy the view from the top. It would cause pain but she could ice it later. More than any activity she loved to hike to the top of mountains and enjoy the view. Todd decided to go in late to work and enjoy the morning hike with her.

The day was breathtaking, like only a Phoenix winter day can be. Puffy white clouds rolled around the vivid blue sky and the air was cool with a promise of brilliant sunshine. With two walking sticks and a brace Shari was able to walk slowly, stopping often on the way to the top of the little mountain. One thing about her hip pain was that it slowed them both down and they had to stop more often, but that just gave them opportunities to see all of the wildflowers on the mountain and notice the birds, geckos and squirrels. Todd walked with her, though he could easily have run ahead. He was still fit and strong and he hiked often on his own. Today he enjoyed taking his time, walking with his wife, enjoying the wildflowers and the conversation.

Shari tried to keep the grimace of pain off of her face as each step brought knife like stabbing in the hip. She knew it was hard for Todd to see her in pain, but once in awhile she needed to throw caution to the wind and do what she loved. Today the view was worth it. It only took a little while to get to the top. It was a glorious day and she could see for miles, in every direction. She lifted her face to the sky and felt a slight breeze ruffle through her hair. Something about being on top of a mountain always made her heart happy. Todd wrapped his arms around her and murmured, "Happy Birthday Gorgeous".

She smiled up at him. "I am happy," She tried to remember to tell Todd that often because she was incredibly happy and life was good. Clearly, life wasn't perfect, but the good far outweighed the bad and that's what Shari chose to focus on. Her thoughts meandered over the last few years, and she knew Todd was thinking about them too. She hadn't always focused on the good. When her hip first began to degenerate and she was unable to play a set of tennis or a game of racket ball she had thrown herself into a great pity party. She railed at the unfairness of it, resented those who could run and chose not to, and was angry at the world. After about a week of non-stop crying she decided to get herself together, find the good and make herself happy regardless of her limitations. Looking ahead it seemed there was an awful lot to be happy about. Her two sons had found wonderful girls to marry and were starting their families. She had four beautiful grandchildren, and they all lived close. Her daughter had also found a great man and they lived out of state but they were coming home to celebrate her birthday this weekend. She would have her whole family together and nothing made her happier than family. Especially since the cancer scare last year that had given her several weeks to evaluate her life and her priorities. The lump had been benign but she found that out only after spending several weeks thinking about mortality. Shari had a strong belief in the afterlife so she wasn't afraid to die, she just thought a lot about how her family would cope. She shook off the memories. That was all in the past. Now every day seemed like a gift and she appreciated it to the fullest.

They stayed on top of the mountain for quite awhile, just talking and enjoying the view. By the time they were ready to hike down, Shari's hip had stiffened up and the hike down was more painful than going up had been. "I'll be paying for this one for awhile," she complained, "I'm glad I came though. It's a beautiful day."

"What's on the agenda until your lunch date?" questioned Todd.

"Not much. A little gardening, a little house cleaning, just the regular stuff."

"Oh, no you don't birthday girl. There will be no house cleaning on your birthday. Nothing is going to shrivel up and rot if it doesn't get cleaned today. Go out and get a pedicure or have your hair done for your big date."

"I just might. And maybe a new outfit too. And why should I get a new outfit?" Shari set him up.

"Because you are worth it," Todd answered automatically.

"Good answer," Shari teased, "try not to forget that."

"Oh, I doubt you'll ever let that happen," he bantered back.

When they got home, Shari plumped up the pillows on the bed and lounged against them as she watched Todd get ready for work. His hair was tipped with gray around the temples and his face was slightly lined from hours of enjoying the Arizona sunshine, but his tall, lean body was still well muscled. It seemed a little unfair that at 55 his body was weathering the aging much better than hers seemed to be. He raised his foot to the chair to tie his shoe and his strong forearms flexed. He looked over and caught her watching him and gave her that sexy wink he'd been using on her for 35 years.

Shari laughed and lunged for the far side of the bed but he was quicker. He dove across the covers and snagged her for a nice long birthday kiss. It struck Shari how hard it was to kiss when you were smiling.

After Todd left for work Shari decided she would go get her hair done, so she looked her best for her birthday. As she sat down her hairdresser Jennifer asked her what she wanted done today.

"I think I need some summer highlights to lighten up a little for today. I'm feeling a little drab."

Jennifer laughed, "You are about the most un drab person I have ever met. What's the occasion?"

Shari couldn't wait to tell her. "For my birthday every year my two sons take the afternoon off of work and take me out to lunch. Just the three of us and we spend hours catching up and visiting about their lives, their families, their jobs and their interests. It's one of my favorite days of the year."

"I think it's great you have such a close relationship with them."

"Oh, those two can always make me laugh. They are two of the most positive, outgoing people I know and they've always got a million interesting things going on in their lives. Now that they have families they are even more fun.

"How old are their kids?" Jennifer asked.

""Tyson's are three and 6 months and Mark's son just turned one. Adorable ages."

"You know Shari, in all of the time I've known you I can't think of a time when you weren't happy," mused Jennifer.

Shari smiled slowly, "I have a lot to be happy about."

By the time the highlights were done, they had chatted non-stop about their lives and Jennifer felt better about the things she was going through. There was just something about visiting with Shari that made a person feel that it would all work out in the end.

Shari hurried home to change into jeans and a blue and green blouse. After all, a person should wear their favorite outfit on their birthday. She wore some stylish Sketchers even though she knew her sandals or tennis shoes would be more comfortable with her hip giving her so much trouble. She would hurry to the restaurant and meet the boys out front so she didn't have to walk up in front of them. She knew it was still painful for the boys to see her limp so badly. They remembered a mom who could race them up a mountain, play a set of tennis and a little one on one basketball. It always saddened them to see her in pain. She didn't want anyone sad today.

# Chapter 2

Shari got to the restaurant early. She had to park a ways away and walk so she wanted to give herself plenty of time. Walking slowly she could almost control the pain and the limp. She tried not to be prideful but she was very self-conscious of how dramatic her limp was when she was hurrying and how much pain it caused. She was standing next to the entrance, scanning the sidewalk when she saw her two boys saunter towards her. They were still a fair distance away so Shari smiled and waved and watched them walk. Mark was taller and leaner and his blond hair had turned darker as he aged but the dimple in his cheek kept him young, and his wall to wall smile could still light up the day. A person couldn't help but smile when Mark was around. He was an engineer for a pharmaceutical company and his family constantly teased him about finding the cure for cancer. He was married to Marci, a talented musician and singer and they were the extremely proud parents of a one year old terror named Eli.

Tyson lifted his hand in greeting and even from this distance she could see his wink. He was a charmer and he never failed to charm his mom. His love for a good workout left him broad and muscled, and his hair was longer, blonder and a little on the wild side. Tyson was finding a lot of success in real estate. He was married to Liz, a perky little spitfire who kept him on his toes and they had two kids that never quit moving, even in their sleep.

Shari watched them tease each other and walk towards her and her heart just smiled with joy inside her chest. She was crazy about those two and so incredibly proud of the men they had become.

Mark reached her first and he wrapped her in his long arms and whispered "Happy Birthday Mom."

Tyson was always a little more demonstrative. He scooped her up in his big arms and spun her around singing "Happy Birthday To You."

"Put me down, you lunatic. You'll break your back," Shari punched his shoulder while she laughed.

"What are you talking about? You're as light as a feather. How's your day going?"

"It's absolutely perfect. Now let's go get something to eat before I starve to death."

They were at the bottom floor of her all time favorite revolving restaurant. Twenty two floors up and the elevator opened up to a breathtaking 360 degree view of downtown Phoenix and the mountains in the distance.

"Phew, I'm thankful for elevators. I would hate to have to walk up those stairs," Shari mused.

"Not a worry. I would just piggy back you and sprint for a little extra exercise," Tyson offered.

Shari laughed. It wasn't the first time Tyson had offered to piggy back her over a distance rather than watch her limp painfully along.

Since it was Thursday at lunchtime there were very few people in the restaurant so they picked a table next to the ceiling-high windows and pulled out a menu. They were in no hurry so they sat looking at the scenery commenting on new structures and old landmarks. The restaurant slowly rotated around so the view changed continually.

"Tell me what my practically perfect grandchildren are up to," Shari started.

Tyson volunteered first. "Kylee is helping with the baby so much she's about to drive her mother crazy. She's anxious for him to grow up so she is constantly trying to help him walk, feed him cheerios or hug the stuffing out of him. The other day, Kenny was sitting in the high chair just minding his own business while Liz was in the kitchen fixing something. She heard hysterical giggling, which can never mean anything good. When she got into the dining room Kylee was tossing soggy frosted flakes at Kenny and sticking them to his fat little face. He was covered in soggy cereal and they both thought it was a riot."

"There is no question but that those are your children," Shari laughed, "that sounds exactly like something you would have done."

"Eli has learned how to crawl out of his crib," Mark offered. "I often wake up to the sounds of his little padded pajama feet running down the hall. This morning I opened my eyes about dawn and found him 2 inches from my face staring at me, waiting for me to open my eyes."

Shari laughed out loud. "I can't tell you two how thrilled I am to see you so happy and with such wonderful families. I can tell you both really enjoy this whole "daddy" role.

"Yeah, well you should have warned us how they wrap around your heart so fast" smiled Tyson, "I had no idea I could ever love a little munchkin this much. Sometimes it just about knocks me over it's so powerful."

"I know what you mean," countered Mark, "the other day as I came home from work; Marci and Eli were playing out on the grass waiting for me. As soon as he saw my truck he started jumping up and down and squealing. I can't remember the last time anything made me feel so good."

Shari watched their animated smiles when they talked about their families and felt, as she had so many times before how grateful she was that her sons had found so much joy. She knew there would be trials ahead for both families, but with enough love they could weather any storms that might come.

Conversations lulled as they looked over the menu. Shari knew what she'd order but she perused the specials anyway. Eating out in such a nice restaurant should be an adventure to savor, not to rush through. On her birthday luncheon the boys always gave her all of the unlimited time she wanted with them. Tyson's phone vibrated several times, but he checked the number to make sure it wasn't an emergency and then ignored the call. His full attention was on his date for the afternoon.

"How's your hip mom?" Tyson asked.

"Oh, about the same. Maybe a little worse. I'm hopeful for the day when I can have a hip replacement. It's not a cure all, and I'm hesitant about the complications but it's my best bet. I'm trying to learn patience, but only marginally succeeding."

"I don't mind admitting, I hope this particular gene is not hereditary. I'm not sure I'd be as good of sport as you have if I lost the ability to do the things I love," Tyson finished.

"Yes, well, I'm hoping that I'll be able to run and play with them a little as my grand kids get older."

"Your grand kids adore you whether you can run or not," countered Mark. "Eli is barely learning to talk but he asks to go to grandma's every morning. You spoil him rotten and he throws a complete tantrum when we try to change the superman pajamas 'his grandma gave him'."

"If we put one more project you and Kylee made together on the fridge, it's going to fall over," Tyson added, "and she still won't let anyone eat the happy face pancake you two made 2 weeks ago."

"Speaking of my grand kids, when are you and Marci going to leave Eli with me for a weekend so you can get away together?"

"We'd love to get away. We're trying to work it out with my schedule and her music lessons. Eli is fun, but I think Marci needs a full weekend of relaxation and romance, in that order. That reminds me mom, I can't tell you how much your note and gift meant to Marci. Not too many people recognize how hard she works at being a wife and mother and it's easy for her to feel unappreciated. I think your note came at just the right time. She's planning on using the $100 'performance bonus' for a little pampering at the salon. If she didn't already love you enough, she does now."

"Well, you know how I feel about mothering. I know both of your wives are WAY too good for you two and I have to take care of them so they'll continue to think they're the lucky ones."

"Nice try mom, "laughed Tyson. "We know you think we're amazing. You may have given up on perfect, but we hear through the grapevine about your incessant bragging on our behalf. If you deny it, I'm pretty sure I still have a chest full of notes somewhere from you telling me just how much you think of me."

"Me too," added Mark, "and I'm pretty sure I'm even more amazing than Tyson."

"What?" Tyson chimed in indignantly, "Everyone knows I'm the favorite. Isn't the oldest always the favorite?"

"Only if he isn't a spoiled, arrogant brat," Shari added sweetly. "Besides, I've told you a million times. I don't have any favorites. I love you all equally. Now let's get to the food ordering.

Lunch was delicious. Shari had beef tenderloin with mushroom sauce and the boys had a steak. Just as they finished their main course the waitress appeared with an enormous chocolate fudge brownie concoction, with a candle and a "happy birthday" sign sticking out the top.

"Do we have a birthday at this table?" the waitress asked.

Shari rolled her eyes at her two boys across the table, but they just grinned those innocent ear to ear smiles and Tyson winked at her.

"Mom is turning 40 today." Tyson offered.

Shari laughed, "Yes and I had you when I was 10." The waitress smiled. Even though she didn't know them, she could feel the love and friendship between them.

When Shari blew out the candle, both boys got up from their chairs, came around the table, and simultaneously kissed her on the cheeks. "Love you mom," Mark whispered.

The waitress blinked a few times when she handed them three spoons and watched them dig into the brownie mound together. She stood off to the side for a minute and watched the three of them with a smile on her face. When one of the boys quickly stole the cherry on the top of the sundae, the other two laughed. The mother had a playful, infectious giggle and her son had a head thrown back, booming laugh. Something about just watching them brightened the waitress' day and she wondered if she'd be that happy when she was gray and chubby and wrinkled.

About half way through the brownie, Shari and Tyson protested loudly that they shouldn't eat so much sugar and made a token effort to put their spoons down occasionally. Mark didn't even slow down. He never made any pretense about eating healthy. With the metabolism of a hummingbird he could pack away unlimited sugar, carbs or fast food without a care.

"Someday that's going to catch up with you," Tyson said, enviously.

"Yeah, but until it does, I'm making the most of it," Mark smiled as he finished off the last chunk of fudge soaked brownie.

Tyson leaned backward and stuck out his normally washboard stomach. He made it protrude comically as he patted it. "Ahh, I'm stuffed."

"It's been so nice to get away from work for a couple of hours on such a gorgeous day," Mark mused as he gazed across the landscape from the window. "Things have been hectic and we're all under a lot of pressure. It makes me extra glad to go home at night to a waiting meal and a wiggling one year old. I gotta admit, it beats the heck out of going home to an empty place, fixing my own dinner and watching the latest NCIS. I'm liking the married life."

"I always knew you would," Shari teased, "even as a child you were most content to be home with family most of the time. Plus, you're kind of a spoiled baby and you love having someone pamper you."

Mark laughed his loud, contagious laugh. "True, and she does spoil me something fierce."

As they watched the restaurant revolve around for its second complete turn, the lunch crowd thinned out and there were only a few people left. When the waitress brought the check all three of them reached for it. Shari glared sternly at her two boys. "I'm the mom and I say it's my treat."

Tyson leaned forward and whispered, "Yes, but if you don't let go of the check I'm going to pick you up, throw you over my shoulder and swing you around."

With Tyson you could never tell if he was serious. There was nothing you could actually put past him. He would think nothing of doing exactly that and it wouldn't embarrass him in the slightest. Shari however would be mortified, especially when he injured his back hefting his chubby mom.

Shari relinquished the bill immediately. Mark just laughed and threw his hands up in surrender.

After Tyson took care of the bill he handed the waitress his camera phone and asked her to snap a picture of the group. He was a picture nut and he had documented something from almost every day of his life. A fact Shari was very grateful for. Almost daily she received little pictures in her email or on her phone of her grand kids. The three of them snuggled close together and smiled as the waitresses recorded the memory.

As Mark reached to pull his mother's chair out for her he stumbled slightly and caught himself. He lost his balance again before he realized that the building was moving.

"Get under the table quick!" Tyson yelled. They dived beneath the heavy oak just in time see an elaborate, ornate chandelier come crashing to the floor. A giant glass window shattered beside them and Tyson shielded his mother from the flying glass by covering her with his broad shoulders. The building groaned and shook, picture frames crashed to the ground along with china, utensils and goblets. Someone began to scream hysterically and panic erupted all around them. The shaking stopped suddenly and Tyson peeked out from beneath the table to survey the damage. "An earthquake in Phoenix? Who would ever believe it?"

Even as he said it people began running for the elevator. A red warning light on the doors started rotating and screaming loudly and the elevator doors remained closed. Suddenly a manager appeared to calm the frantic crowd. He held his hands up and yelled in a loud authoritarian voice, "Don't panic. The elevator is unsafe to use. We'll just have to use the staircase. Everyone calmly make your way to the stairs and exit the building as soon as possible."

The few patrons left in the restaurant raced frantically for the staircase pushing and shoving, just as an aftershock rumbled the building a second time. Mark and Tyson, on their feet now, reached together to help their mother to stand. Shari was slow to stand, even as she hurried as fast as she could. "Sorry boys, sitting so long made my leg stiffen up and it doesn't seem to be working very well."

The boys grabbed her elbows and hurried her towards the staircase just as the last of the waitresses, busboys, chefs and managers started down. A young manager glanced questioningly back at Tyson, Mark and Shari. "Go ahead," Mark said "We're coming, we just move a little slower than the rest of you." That was all the encouragement the manager needed. He took off at a dead run down the staircase.

As windows continued to shatter and a vase crashed down behind them, the threesome entered the staircase and began to descend 22 very long flights. Shari's hip joint, not good at its best, was screaming in agony with every step she took. About every third step it just gave out from under her and she staggered to catch her balance. The boys were always right there to keep her from falling and she leaned heavily on them. She cursed the morning hike and all the sitting that had weakened the joint even more than usual and determined to move faster. The harder she tried to move fast, the more often the hip joint gave out and slowed the trio down even more. Tears of frustration coursed down her cheeks as she clung to the strong arms of her boys. "I'm so sorry," her voice broke on the words.

"Mom, we know you're trying. You're the toughest lady we know. We're gonna be fine, just keep moving," Mark smiled, but it was a tense, strained smile and his eyebrows were knitted together.

They made it almost 3 flights before the next aftershock hit. This one was more powerful than the first. They clung to the rail as the building began to sway and rumble again. This time, huge chunks of concrete began to fall from somewhere above them. Suddenly, the situation became much more serious. "The building is coming down around us," Tyson yelled, "Just as a piece of the stair beside them crumbled and fell several stories. "We've got to hurry."

"You boys go on ahead, please," Shari begged, "I don't want to slow you down. You could be out of here in a matter of minutes. I'll meet you at the bottom."

"Nice try funny lady," Tyson said, "We're not leaving you so get the lead out." As more debris fell around them both boys simultaneously wrapped Shari's arms around their shoulders and began to run, dragging her hobbling behind them down the stairs. By now the tears were coming full force and Shari sobbed out her worst fears, "Please, please don't let my boys die in this building, "she pleaded. It sounded like a prayer but the boys knew she was talking to them as well. They ignored her even as they continued down two more flights. It doesn't matter how strong you are, it takes a toll on your body to carry an overweight, middle aged woman down several flights of stairs. Tyson's shirt was dripping with sweat while Marks shoulders heaved in exhaustion.

"Boys, please listen to me," Shari begged, above the rumble, "think of your families. They need you. They can't lose you. Just hurry down. I can't stand the idea that I'm keeping you from making it out of here. Don't do this. Please." This time her grim faced boys were silent, focusing all their efforts on getting the trio down the eternally long stairwell.

Shari's mind raced frantically even as she heaved deep gulping breaths. Her heart couldn't fathom the idea that those precious families might lose their husbands and fathers because she couldn't move any faster. She redoubled her efforts to move quickly but her mind kept searching to find ways to convince her boys to make it out safely. She loved them so much it actually hurt.

With his free hand Mark answered his cell as Marci called. She'd been trying since the quake and was frantic with relief to hear his voice. He shouted the situation above the roar of the collapsing building. "We're on about the 18th floor," he yelled, "We're doing the best we can. I love you." But his voice choked on the last few words as they all heard Marci sobbing when he hung up.

Tyson took his cue and speed dialed Liz with his outside hand. Either cell towers were down or just on overload as the city reeled from the earthquake. He couldn't get a signal. He knew she'd be frantic with worry and he desperately wished he could get through to assure her that he was alright. He said another silent prayer that they were all safe and reached deep inside for more strength than he had ever needed to get them out of the building.

On the 17th floor they lost valuable time as they navigated a huge hole in the floor. The boys could easily jump over it but they were fairly sure Shari wouldn't make it. They ended up grabbing the rail and "climbing" around the hole. Shari's heart sank as she looked down and saw several more holes, even larger, ahead of them as the stairwell began to crumble. She would slow the trio down to a crawl. She was getting desperate. She prayed for guidance as they hurried. Never in her life had she wanted to be manipulative as she did now.

"Tyson and Mark, listen to me. I KNOW how much you love me. I know you don't want to leave me. But I've lived a great life, an incredibly happy life. I could go anytime. I need you to do this for me. I don't know if we're all going to make it out of here, but you HAVE to. You can't leave those children fatherless." She paused for a moment and grabbed Tyson's face in her hands. "Please, please do this one thing for me. Run and get out of the building while you can." By now tears ran down Tyson's face too. The pain and anguish he felt were written in his eyes. He pictured his sweet little daughter, growing up without a daddy and a son who would never know him and he wavered for the first time.

"Mark, please," she begged as she leaned her forehead against his. "Don't let this be the end of such a wonderful beginning for you." Mark openly sobbed. His heart felt as if a razor blade was systematically slicing it to shreds. He loved this woman so much, but the love in Marci's frantic voice was pulling him just as strongly to make it back to her.

Shari sensed the moment they began to concede, and she pounced on it. "You know it's the right thing to do. If I make it out before the building collapses I promise I'll thank you for this every day for the rest of my life. Your father would understand. God would understand. Please go, while you still can."

How can a person make such a life altering decision in a split second? Yet, that's all they had. With debris falling around them, their chests and shoulders heaving with exertion, and tears clouding their vision, they paused on the stairs and looked into each other's eyes. Was there a right answer? In their hearts they prayed for guidance, but in the end Shari made the choice for them. She sensed their hesitation, pushed them from behind and smiled a wobbly smile when they turned their torn grief stricken faces towards her. "Go, I'll be fine. No matter what happens. I love you way more than life itself."

Dust from the collapse filled the air and blocked their vision as another block of concrete hurtled passed them. Tyson knew she was right. In his heart he felt it. He had a young family to care for. No one could ever raise them and love them like he could. He had to be there for them. Yet, turning away from the woman who had loved him so completely and unconditionally for his entire life made his stomach revolt in nausea and knots. He leaned down to embrace Shari and kiss her on the cheek, but the kiss tasted like salt from their tears. He didn't have to tell her how much he loved her, she knew.

Once the decision was made Tyson's powerful legs carried him down entire flights at a time. He was out of the building within minutes. Temporarily blinded by the smoke, dust and debris, he shouted above the tumult and turned to make sure Mark was behind him. There was no one there. The building rumbled and began to crumble as he stood, disbelieving. Where was Mark? He should be out by now. Wasn't he right behind him?

On the stairwell, Mark knew Shari was right too. He kissed his mom and held onto her for a split second. He started to follow Tyson just as a huge metal railing tore from somewhere above them and crashed from the sky. He instinctively pulled Shari to him and covered her with his strong shoulders. The railing barely missed them, but as he protected the woman who had so often and so lovingly protected him, he found he couldn't leave. With great effort, he pushed thoughts of Marci and Eli from his mind and held on to his mother. Through the gut wrenching sobs that rocked her body, Shari pushed Mark and continued to plead with him to hurry down. He wrapped his arms tighter around her and held on as the world came down around them.

# Chapter 3

Outside, Tyson stood for a moment and then his knees buckled and he fell to the ground.

"Nooooo," he rasped with his little remaining strength. Then it was more of a prayer, "please, please let them get out." But even as he plead... he knew. The knowledge washed over him and he felt the pain rip through his insides. He tried to go back inside but the exit he had come through was a pile of cement rubble and there was no other way in. He didn't think it was possible to hurt with such a deep ache. Someone pulled him away from the sidewalk as panic and pandemonium reigned around them. He sat like a child on the grass, alone, as he buried his face in his strong, tanned hands. His body rocked back and forth with his sobs. Then everything just seemed to stop. For how long, he had no idea. And then his father was there. He wrapped his arms around Tyson, and the tears began again. At first there was a pleading question in Todd's eyes, answered by the sorrow in Tyson's. Tyson couldn't say the words, he just kept shaking his head and saying, "I'm so sorry dad," They just cried together, as police and ambulance roared around them. People tried to get back into buildings that had crumbled, but they were restrained. Aftershocks still rocked the ground and emergency crews were searching for survivors.

Though the police and ambulance worked frantically around them, the two men stood motionless and watched in a helpless stupor. Camera crews came, people screamed and cried but they were oblivious to everything. Suddenly, Liz barreled into Tyson, knocking him almost off his feet. She was hysterical, sobbing uncontrollably and laughing as she launched her body into his. His arms instinctively wrapped around her and he slowly inhaled the scent of her perfume. He crushed her tiny body in his big arms and held on with desperation. She kept touching him. She touched his hair, his shoulders, and finally his face. She was still sobbing too hard to kiss him so she nuzzled his cheek as she explained in broken sentences, "I couldn't....call you....I kept trying....I was....so worried....the kids....mom. I love you so much."

As Liz looked into the eyes of the man she was afraid she would never see again, she was filled with something so delicious it threatened to burst her insides. She started to tell him, until she finally saw the pain and sadness behind his swollen eyes. For the first time she looked around, tentatively at first, then frantically with mounting terror. She must have missed them. They had to be here. A glance at Todd's heavily lined face answered her unspoken question. Liz had a million questions but she sensed that neither man had the strength to answer them right now. Immediately, her protective, nurturing nature took over and she wrapped her arms around Tyson, infusing some of her strength into him, caressing, whispering nonsensically and comforting in any way she could.

About sunset, Marci made it to the tiny group. She too ran at full stride towards them from where she had parked miles away. Unlike Liz, she didn't barrel into anyone. She stopped short when she saw them, looked questioningly around and then desperately at their faces. All three of them looked at the ground and she knew. Still, she refused to know. She kept shaking her head and looking around. He was there somewhere. He had to be. He couldn't be gone. She would have known it. He talked to her on the phone after the quake. He had to be still alive. If Tyson was out, Mark had to be too. The tears and the anguish she saw on his family's faces suggested otherwise. Todd reached out to her and said, "I'm so sorry Marci, they didn't make it out." She pushed him away. "No, no, no, don't say that. I talked to him. I know he's ok." She was shaking her head and her voice rose in hysteria. She ran toward the building but a burly fireman blocked her way. "It's too dangerous miss; we'll let you know when we find anything."

Marci walked back to the group, in a stupor. She neither saw nor heard anyone. She just closed her eyes, prayed and waited.

There was almost no question that any life could ever emerge from the rubble that was left, still there had to be hope.

The hope lasted less than 12 hours when they carried out the bodies of a 55 year old woman and the 28 year old son who died trying to protect her. Todd's knees buckled as he recognized the sleeve of Shari's favorite shirt under the cloth. Marci rushed to the gurney, saw the hand hanging over the side, still wearing the engraved wedding ring she had so lovingly placed upon it, and she crumpled into a tiny ball. There she rocked and she sobbed; a pitiful, wrenching sound that hovered on the air around them.

The firefighter that had helped carry them down sat leaning against a stone pillar; his sides still heaving from the exertion. Todd knew it may be his only chance and he had to know what the firefighter knew. He crouched down beside the big, dust covered man. "That's my family," he whispered, "Can you tell me where you found them?"

The firefighter hesitated, and then saw the pain and question in Todd's eyes. "They were on the stairwell about what used to be the 16th floor I think. The young man was wrapped around the older woman, and a block of cement was on top of them." Then he added hopefully, "I think they died quickly."

After an eternity, Liz picked up Marci and helped her stand. Together the group slowly walked towards the cars, leaning on each other for support. No one spoke as they shuffled slowly towards the rest of their lives, knowing, nothing would ever be ok again.

Tyson and Liz took his car and Todd took Marci home making a mental note to make arrangements to have a friend pick up the other cars later. When Todd dropped Marci off her family was waiting anxiously in the living room. It was easier for Todd to walk away because Marci was instantly infolded in the loving arms of her family members. As he quietly closed the door behind him he heard the sounds he was already so tired of hearing. It seemed like the whole world was crying around him, and he knew there were a lot more tears to come.

Todd turned off the radio to ride home in silence. Then he turned the radio back on so he wouldn't have to think. He turned it up loud and tried to think of the lyrics, anything to keep from processing the days' events. It didn't work. Shari's face, laughing and looking up into the sunshine on a mountaintop kept coming into view. How could he live without her? Did he even want to try? What would life be like every day without her in it? To lose Shari and Mark in one day was almost more than he could stand. Would he really not feel the strong embrace of his son again? He thought of Mark's booming, carefree laugh. It made Todd smile every time he heard it. It hurt too much to think about not hearing that laugh again. What about Marci? She was so newly married with such a long, hollow future in front of her. How would she ever survive? Then his thoughts turned to Tyson. What had happened? How had Tyson gotten out of the building while the other two hadn't? He had a lot of questions, and he knew he'd get the answers he needed if he could just be patient. He knew Tyson though and one thing he knew without doubt, there was an explanation.

Todd held it together as he walked in the house and headed towards the phone. The message light blinked repeatedly at him. He steeled himself to make the hardest phone call of his life. His fingers shook as he dialed the number of his only daughter, living out of state. He had to redial 3 times to get it right. Cami answered on the first ring, "Dad, it's so good to hear your voice. Where have you been? I've been worried sick since I heard about the quake. Is everyone ok?"

The lump in Todd's throat got bigger and started to close up. He swallowed past it and closed his eyes to stop the burning behind the lids. He tried to talk but only a rasp came out.

"Dad, what's going on? Tell me... this is killing me. Is mom ok, Tyson and Mark and their families? What's happened?" Her voice was laced with desperation.

How do you tell a daughter that she's lost her best friend and closest confidant, the mother she adores and the grandmother to her children? How do you break someone's heart? Yet, he knew the uncertainty was killing her. He searched but found no words, so he just said it, "We lost your mother and Mark in a building collapse."

There was silence. Then a sharp, indrawn breath and the denial that each of them had experienced. From there she quickly became incoherent and suddenly her husband was on the phone. Utterly exhausted now, Todd repeated the message and then nodded numbly as Cami's husband Sean promised they would be there in less than 24 hours. Todd hung up relieved that Cami had such a good, strong man to help her through this darkest day. He knew Sean was in for a long, hard journey.

One more phone call. Todd decided to call only his sister. She would let everyone else know and spare him that pain at least. Resigned now, he dialed her number. She too, answered on the first ring. Everyone they knew out of state would be sitting by the phones waiting to hear, suspecting the worst, since it had been so long without word. Plus, he knew he could count on his sister to maintain her composure at least until he got off the phone. Todd was right. He delivered the message in two short sentences and then asked her to let everyone know. Word would travel quickly from there. His sister listened quietly, whispered condolences and then hung up the phone.

Tired beyond anything he had ever experienced, Todd wanted nothing more than to close his eyes and enter into oblivion. He tried again to stop the flood of memories and just concentrate on getting into bed. Automatically he locked the door, turned out the lights and headed into the bedroom.

When he flipped on the bedroom light, he wasn't prepared for the feelings that overwhelmed him. The bedroom, decorated in Caribbean blue to remind Shari of a vacation they shared, was a compilation of Shari's love for him and their lives together. Seashells on the vanity, pictures on the walls and mementos from trips were scattered everywhere. This room, which held so many precious, loving memories, was suddenly too much for him. For the first time, since the moment he saw Tyson outside of the building, Todd didn't have to be strong for anyone else. He consciously let the sadness seep through his joints. His knees buckled and before he knew it he was kneeling. Hurting too much to pray, he just knelt there and let the tears flow, interspersed with incoherent rambling questions directed at God, and Shari and Mark.

Sometime later, emotionally spent, he crawled into bed, buried his face in the pillow that still smelled like Shari and fell into a restless oblivion.

He only slept for a few hours and when he woke up it took a few seconds for the pain to register. He tried to go back to sleep but ended up on the couch in the living room, with the TV on, fading in out of sleep throughout the night and into the morning hours.

By late morning the cell phone towers were back up and running and his cell phone continuously rung. He checked the numbers, made a mental note to call them back and ignored the ring. He watched the news casts of the devastation caused by the earthquake and felt a moment of surprise that less than 1000 people had lost their lives during the huge quake. In a city of a couple million people that was fairly amazing. That thought was immediately followed by a stab of resentment that his family had suffered such great loss. Even though several buildings at the city center had collapsed, they had taken awhile to come crashing down and most people had been able to get to safety in time. To the country it didn't count as an especially horrific disaster, but to those who lost loved ones it was a great tragedy.

By early afternoon, Todd's ecclesiastical leader, friends and neighbors started to come by. As Todd sat, barely acknowledging condolences, they began to take care of details for him. They set up plans for a combined funeral service and made arrangements with the morgue and cemetery. Several of Shari's closest friends knew what she would have wanted and began to make the arrangements. Todd made only one request, "Both Shari and Mark were incredibly happy, positive people," he said. "They would be upset if the funeral is morose and weepy. Can you please try to make it more of a celebration of their lives than a mourning of their passing?"

Shari's friend's eyes misted and she smiled through the tears. "That's a brilliant idea Todd, and exactly what Shari and Mark would want." She hugged him quickly and started to leave.

When Cami and her family got there by late that evening, most of the friends and neighbors were heading home. Todd had spent the last several hours quietly accepting hugs and responding very little, but the second Cami walked through the door, he put on his unconquerable dad demeanor. He quickly transformed into the man with all the answers, the rock of strength for everyone else.

Cami brushed her long blond hair back over her shoulder and slipped into the enveloping embrace of her beloved father. It was obvious she hadn't slept since getting the news and her big, blue eyes wore a tortured expression when she looked up at her father. He knew what she was searching for and he whispered against her hair, "It's going to be ok sweetheart, it'll be ok."

Cami drew strength from him. She had cried so many tears in the last 24 hours and had such a giant pity party for herself and all of the things she would miss about her mom and big brother, she was just now realizing how difficult this must be for her dad. She had so many questions and she was still so raw from the shock. It hurt just to breathe. Still she clung to her father for the strength he offered. If he said it would be ok, it would. It may take time, but they were a family and they still had a lot to live for. Cami's husband came in behind her, carrying their infant daughter Laura. Completely unaware of the sorrow surrounding her, she spotted her grandfather and giggled with delight. Her little nose wrinkled with her giggle and Todd reached down and plucked her from the baby carrier. For just a minute, he lost himself in the sweet baby smell of her skin and hair as he cradled her gently in his arms. Moments like this would have to give him the strength he needed in the days to come.

Tyson and Liz arrived home and Tyson sat on the couch while Liz made the necessary phone calls. In a low voice she whispered, "Yes, Tyson is ok, no Shari and Mark didn't make it." Then after a short pause, she answered, "I don't know. I don't know that either."

Tyson knew what they were talking about. The same question everyone would have. How had he made it out when the others hadn't? How could he answer? He didn't even know the answer himself. It had felt right at the time but now he wasn't so sure. How would his father and his sister respond when they heard the whole story? Would his wife be able to love and respect him? Would he ever be able to love and respect himself? He dug his fists into his bleary eyes and tried to grind out the memory of Mark and his mom's face as he had last seen them. His mind posed the most important question of all. Had he made the right choice?

Liz came over and sat on his lap, curling up like a child against him. Again she touched his hair and his face and clung to his broad shoulders like she had been given the greatest gift in the world and it might be snatched away at any moment. She inhaled the scent of him, worshiped the feel of his rough cheeks, and tried to melt her body into his. "Oh, Tyson, I love you so much," she whispered against his Adams apple. "I was so afraid when I couldn't reach your phone. What would I have done if you hadn't made it? I swear I will cherish you every day for the rest of my life and never do anything again to make you mad."

He smiled weakly at her promise, and then sat her a little ways from him. "Liz, you need to understand what happened in the stairwell. You need to know why I'm here and they're not. I will sit down with my dad and sister and Marci and explain the whole scenario to them, but I need you to understand it first." He took a deep breath, closed his eyes and recounted the whole scene as his wife sat quietly beside him. He felt her hand slowly making circles on his wrist as she processed everything.

When he finished he was afraid to look into her eyes. Afraid of what he might see there. But he had to know. He looked up expectantly as he ground out, "I don't know Liz. It felt right when I pictured you and the kids but now it seems so wrong. What have I done?"

Liz grabbed his face with her small hands and held on with the grip of a marine. "You listen to me mister," she commanded, "I know your mom very well. You gave her the gift she was pleading for. She would never have wanted you to sacrifice your life to die with her. It felt right, because it was right. You need to be here with us and your mom knew it even if you didn't. Now the only thing you can do is make sure you live a life that makes her proud. You're a great man Tyson," she punctuated each word with a kiss somewhere on his face. "Don't you ever question that or forget it." She held onto his shoulders like a bird of prey clinging to its next meal.

Tyson remembered for the 1000th time why he loved this little tornado of energy so much. He wrapped his arms around her and buried his head in the sweet perfume of her long, curly hair. Now, if only his dad and sister could see it the same way.

He was still mulling over when and how to talk to his family when Liz's sister brought the kids home. Kylee, always a sensitive, emotional little girl, could sense that something was wrong in all of the adults she'd been with today. Her aunt had sat on the floor crying while she talked on the phone and Kylee had sat down beside her and cried with her. She didn't know much but she knew that everyone was worried about her dad. When she swung open the front door and saw the most important person in her whole little world calmly sitting on the couch, she promptly burst into tears.

"Come here honey," Tyson held out his arms. Kylee flung her exhausted little body against her daddy and clung to him with all of the energy a 3 year old can muster. She was tired and hungry and her hair was sticking up in every direction and all she wanted to do was sit in his arms.

Tyson sensed her need to be near him, but he felt an even greater need to hold them all close to him. He kissed Kylee's soft, fine hair as Liz placed a snoring Kenny in his other arm. He slowly drank in the sight and the feel of those two precious bundles of squirming, wiggling sheer joy. He watched his tiny son's perfect little bowed lips smacking in his sleep and brushed his cheek over the fine mist of blond hair and baby soft skin. Then he glanced at Kylee who had promptly fallen asleep, exhausted but safe in her daddy's arms. The side of her face was pressed against his neck and she had the front of his shirt clasped in a death grip in her tiny hand. He just held them there for the longest time. His deep blue, sad eyes met Liz's tear-filled ones over their heads and he knew he'd wonder many more times whether he'd made the right decision today. Right now though, he just needed to hold onto the people he loved.

Sometime later Liz fell into an exhausted sleep, but woke suddenly about 2am with the distinct impression something was wrong. She immediately looked toward where Tyson slept. He lay beside her in the dark, with his hands propped behind his head, staring at the ceiling. The time for talking was past. She simply curled her body around his, wrapped her arm around his torso and nuzzled her face into his neck. She felt him relax as he dropped an arm to slowly caress her. Eventually, they drifted off to sleep.

Trusting her instincts, Liz woke Tyson up the next morning with two giggling gifts. Kylee had a milk mustache and her wispy hair had pulled out of last night's pony tail. She was wearing her Cinderella pajamas and bouncing up and down on her daddy's abdomen when he opened his eyes. Kenny was giggling and his little belly was so fat that it strained the snaps on his pajama shirt. He was trying to crawl over his daddy's face but his fat little body got stuck half way so he sat giggling on Tyson's neck. It was just the distraction Tyson needed. A big-time wrestling match ensued and in no time Tyson had them each pinned under one arm and was distributing raspberries on their chubby bellies. They squealed in delight and Liz watched the scene she'd witnessed 100 times and thought about how close she'd come to never seeing it again. How could she ever tell Tyson how much his decision had meant to her? She knew he'd have a long road and a lot of questions, guilt and pain but she mentally vowed to make sure he never had to question her absolute acceptance.

They couldn't stay snuggled up together in bed forever, no matter how tempting it sounded. Tyson got up, showered and dressed and then called his dad. The call went unanswered. Later Liz would make a few calls and find out the details of the upcoming funeral. More than anything she wished she could surround Tyson and protect him from the upcoming pain and sorrow. Without even ever having experienced it, she knew that the funeral would be the 2nd worst day of his life and she wished it could just be over.

Liz sensed the restlessness in Tyson by early afternoon and knew he needed to start to find closure from the day's events. It would begin with his family. He kept walking by the window, as if expecting to see someone pull up. He washed the same plate over and over and finally turned to Liz.

"How am I going to tell them what happened? They deserve to know the details, but it's such a fresh, painful wound. I'm not sure I can talk about it yet. I'm not sure I can stand the look in their eyes. What I wouldn't give to pass this job to someone else."

The anguish on his face made Liz's heart hurt, the pain in his eyes propelled her to him to touch his face, wrap around him and try to infuse him with her love. Most heart-wrenching of all was the look of uncertainty. As much as they loved him, would they ever understand? How could they, if he didn't understand himself? It was time to find out.

Liz called Marci's family and asked them to see that Marci got to Todd's house later that evening because Tyson had some things he needed to tell them. She didn't bother to call Todd, she knew he'd be there, and so would Cami. She made arrangements for the kids, knowing Kylee would throw a world class fit about being separated from her dad for a few hours.

By late that evening they were in the car on the way to Todd's house. Tyson drove silently, but his death grip on the steering wheel spoke of his anxiety. Liz scooted close to him in the truck after they dropped the kids off. She pressed her thigh against his and laid her hand on the muscle there. She felt the muscle work as he alternated pedals and the sudden unbidden thought popped into her mind, "I'm so glad he's still here. So thankful I don't have to live the rest of my life without him." Yes, this would be incredibly hard, but in the morning and in a thousand more mornings she would wake up beside him, reach out and feel the stubble on his cheek and hear his deep even breathing. He would teach Kenny to throw a ball and videotape Kylee first dance recital. He would take the kids on their first roller coaster and wait up for them on their first date. He would be there to share a thousand tiny moments of joy and heartache with her and at the end of the day he would wrap her in his arms and be her everything. She prayed quietly that his family would understand. They were a truly loving, supportive family but this was a blow that would test the best of them.

# Chapter 4

Marci spent the night in her childhood home surrounded by her family. Afraid to let Eli out of her sight she nursed him to sleep and then let him stay tucked into her side as she tried to sleep. A sort of numbness had settled in and she felt like the events of the day had happened to someone else and she was merely an observer. Right now, it hurt too much to think about the future or remember the past so she mentally pushed the stop button every time her thoughts turned to Mark. Later, she would savor all the memories crowding at her mind, but right now they threatened to overwhelm her fragile system.

More than anyone, Marci needed to understand the events of the day. A place in her mind could understand how Shari may not have been able to make it out of the collapsing building but she couldn't fathom how Tyson could make it out when Mark couldn't. She was consumed with a desperate need to know what had happened. Until she knew, Marci didn't think she'd ever be able to rest. The constant questions clawed at her mind, hungry for answers.

She dozed sporadically during the night always waking up with heaviness in her chest that threatened to suffocate her. She wondered if one could actually die from a broken heart and, just when it seemed a possibility, she glanced at the sleeping baby beside her. Eli smiled softly in his sleep. He was her precious little man, with his daddy's curls and adorable dimple. She knew she would see Mark every day for the rest of her life when she looked at Eli. With a sigh, she played with the springy curls on Eli's little head and she knew, even if she were given the choice, she couldn't die of a broken heart and leave Eli without either a mother or father. She would simply put one foot in front of the other and continue to breathe every day and maybe one day it wouldn't hurt so much. Right now though, that day seemed like a long way off.

Eli woke up starving, like he always did, and barreled under the covers looking for some breakfast. His voracious appetite made Marci smile and she realized it was the first time she had smiled since the horrific events of the previous day. Even as the thought occurred to her, Marci's mind was drawn to the many times she and Mark had lain in bed together laughing at Eli's voracious appetite. Mark had loved watching her feed Eli, as he ate with great gusto, slurping and knocking the blanket off of his face. The tears came unbidden but she had cried so much she barely noticed them. "Oh Mark," she cried to no one in particular, "what happened? How could you leave me when our life together was so perfect?"

She stayed in bed quietly playing with Eli for the morning and when she finally emerged her family tentatively greeted her and wrapped her in hugs. No one even bothered to ask her how she was doing. It was obvious. As she stared at nothing, paced back and forth between the kitchen and the bedroom she would occasionally sudden scoop Eli off the ground and hug him so passionately he protested. The tears were so constant she didn't really even notice them anymore and a slow numbness seamed to overtake her. Marci didn't have the energy or the inclination to fight it, "Probably a defense mechanism to keep me from having a total meltdown," she reasoned.

Eating was a chore but she forced down something so she could nurse Eli. As she passed the mirror in the hall, she glanced up and saw the haggard, sad looking woman and knew that she would never be able to smile again.

Everyone in the family walked on eggshells around her. If there was anything appropriate or encouraging to say to her, no one could think what it was. For most of that day, Marci just barely existed at the minimum possible level, afraid to let her mind think about Mark. It would hurt too much and she was barely hanging on by a thread as it was.

Sometime during the day, when time had no real meaning, her mom came in to tell her that Tyson would like to talk to the family that night at Todd's house. Marci nodded vacantly as she absently toyed with the thread on a baby blanket. Her mother had kept Eli entertained most of the day but right now he wanted his mother. He toddled in, raised his hands to her and said, "Up". She lifted him, snuggled his velvet cheek and closed her tired eyes. She sighed and tried to hold him close but he was perpetual motion, and as if it suddenly occurred to him he looked at her and demanded, "Daddy."

Marci's heart caught, fresh tears sprang to her eyes and a little bubble of nausea formed in her stomach, but all she could do was shake her head and whisper, "No daddy."

Eli demanded louder, "Daddy," and Marci just shook her head. Eli threw his toy at her, pushed away when she tried to hold him and threw back his head and began to wail at the top of his lungs. In a minute Marci's mother was there and she took the tantrum throwing one year old as he flailed his arms and legs and screamed for his daddy. He pushed against his grandma, reached for his mom and as the door closed Marci heard him yell, "Noooo, daddy." Suddenly, it was too much. Like the final marble that causes all the pixie sticks to collapse, the sobbing baby was her undoing. The anger came out of somewhere deep inside. She threw the toy against the wall, and then she threw the pillow. She started ranting incoherently at Mark, at God and at Tyson. She didn't even try to suppress the great gasping sobs as she swept her hand over the dresser and knocked off everything in its path. Maybe someday she would be strong, but not right now. She let her mind be as angry as it wanted. She let a full pity party of misery overtake her as she contemplated the future; her future without Mark. He would never teach Eli to ride a bike or help him discover his amazing talents. There would be no family outings to the zoo; no bike rides down the wash, and no man to show Eli how to be a man. Worst of all, there would be no strong shoulder to lie on at the end of the day, no big tender hands to cradle her face and kiss away the fears, and no one to wake up with every morning the rest of her life. The pain doubled her over. It sucked the breath out of her, and gave her an instant headache. She collapsed on the floor, curled up in the fetal position and hugged her knees to her chest. She began to rock as she sobbed, and slowly the anger was replaced by exhaustion, and she slept.

When Marci woke up an hour later, her mind was racing. She thought about what her mom had said about how Tyson wanted to talk to the family. Suddenly, it became imperative that she know what happened in the restaurant that day. More than life itself she wanted to be there tonight to hear the events. She had to know what happened, to try to understand. Marci checked her watch, realized it was early evening and went into the bathroom. She splashed ice cold water on her face and automatically ran a brush through her hair. She wanted to nurse Eli once before she left in case she was late getting home. She looked at her pinched, drawn face in the mirror and knew it was time to face Tyson and the family and find out what happened.

# Chapter 5

Tyson and Liz were in the living room when Marci pulled up. When she reached for the handle on the door her hand shook like a teenager on her first date. Why couldn't she shake the foreboding feeling that somehow things would never be the same with these people she loved? She opened the door and walked in. Conversation stopped and Cami jumped up to hug her. Todd stood too, because he was old school.

"I'm so sorry Marci. I know how much you two loved each other," Cami whispered. Tears lingered in both of their eyes.

Marci nodded, afraid to trust her own voice. She glanced at everyone else in the room and gave them a tentative nod. Liz's eyes were filled with empathy and understanding. Todd's with deep sadness and Tyson's with apprehension and a tiredness Marci had never seen before.

Tyson took a deep breath, invited her to sit and then closed his eyes and started talking. Liz laced his fingers with her own and with her free hand grabbed his forearm. She would give me every ounce of strength she could infuse into that grip.

"We had an awesome lunch. It was fun and we laughed and teased each other. The waitress took a picture," he said as if he just remembered that. "I'll send you each a copy."

He shook his head to get back on track. "We just got done fighting over the bill when the restaurant began to shake. Glass went everywhere and we dove under the table. When it stopped everyone ran for the elevator but it was damaged so we all had to take the stairs down. We were the last in the room to make it into the staircase. Mom's hip had stiffened from so much sitting so she was moving really slow. She was trying so hard to hurry, but her leg just kept giving out under her. We made it down a couple of flights before the first aftershocks started and from there great big pieces of cement and railing just kept falling. Mom was crying and begging us to run ahead and get out in time but we couldn't leave her. We each wrapped an arm around her and ran down several more flights. The whole time she kept telling us how much she loved us and our families and how she didn't want us to die with her." Tyson's voice cracked and he paused for a few seconds. Beside him, Cami sobbed softly as she pictured the scene.

"Finally, the whole staircase opened up into huge gaping holes and the ceiling was falling in. We maneuvered around a few holes but where Mark and I could jump Mom had to cling to the railing and edge around them. It was very slow going. I was racking my brain trying to think of a way to move us faster but I couldn't come up with anything. That's when mom really started in on us to get out. She told us how much she loved us and she plead with us to be there for our families. I didn't know what to do. What she was saying made sense, and I could tell that the building was minutes away from going down. I just kept thinking about Liz and the kids, and mom was so convincing. It sounds so lame now but at the time it seemed like the right thing to do."

Tyson looked for the first time into Marci's dispassionate eyes. He couldn't read what lay beneath their vacant stare. "I swear I thought Mark was right behind me Marci. I thought we had made the same decision together. But he stayed. For some reason he stayed." He buried his head in his hands and his muscled shoulders shook.

Todd stood and crossed the room towards his oldest son. He knelt in front of him and put both hands on the sides of his son's tormented face and lifted it upward. He looked compassionately into the face of the man he loved and respected with all of his heart. "You listen to me Tyson. I know that woman better than anyone on the earth. She really didn't want you to die with her. She is smiling down on you right now as you are with your little family." He paused and emphasized the words slowly as he looked imploringly into his son's eyes. "You did the right thing. I would be mourning the loss of 3 loved ones right now if you hadn't left." Todd wrapped the younger man in his embrace in an attempt to absorb some of the pain.

The tender scene was too much for Liz and an inelegant sob escaped that came out with a little bit of a snort. She hurriedly covered her mouth and let the tears flow. In that moment she loved the father almost as much as she loved the son.

In comforting Tyson, Todd had inadvertently forgotten about Marci sitting beside him. Almost in unison the family members looked towards the most silent member of the family. She still just stared vacantly at Tyson. Todd rose turned to her. "Marci, are you ok."

After an eternity she answered in a low whisper. "No, I'll never be ok again." She was still trying to process the information. Had Mark chosen to leave her? Did he make a conscious choice to stay with his mother and leave her and Eli alone to face the world? She had a lot to work through. She wasn't sure if she was angry or not. And if she was angry, who was she angry at? It just all seemed so overwhelming right now. She wasn't sure she could even sort through all the different emotions she was feeling so she just buried them to sift through later. "I think I need to get home to Eli, "she said automatically as she stood and crossed the room. For some reason it seemed imperative that she get away from these people right now. She needed to feel Eli's soft, fuzzy cheek and smell his fine baby hair. They would all be there as the questions arose and she could ask them when she was ready. Marci stood to leave and all 5 family members embraced her in a brief hug as she made her way toward the door.

Cami was the first to speak after Marci left. "I can't imagine what she is feeling right now. I don't even know how I'd feel. My heart just aches for her. "She paced back and forth in front of the window, threading her fingers through her hair. "I wonder if we'll ever really understand."

Tyson felt like he had been pulled through a sieve. Exhaustion as he had never known before permeated every pore of his body. Suddenly he understood Marci's need to be close to Eli. He knew he would draw strength and maybe, if it were possible, even a little joy from Kylee and Kenny. Tyson wanted nothing more in the world right now than to get home.

After Tyson left Todd sunk to the floor beside the couch. For the first time he allowed himself to wonder what would have happened if he had taken the afternoon off and been there with them in the restaurant. There was no question in his mind that he wouldn't have been able to get Shari out down the stairs. If the boys couldn't do it, he couldn't have either. Yet he also knew that he would have stayed with Shari and they would have been crushed together. The idea had a certain appeal right now. He was so tired, so lost and so alone. He allowed himself a few minutes to close his eyes and ponder how nice it would be to be with Shari and not have to deal with all of this heartache and hurt. Would he ever feel like living again? Would he ever look forward to the next day? Would he ever smile or laugh again? Right now it seemed doubtful.

Todd knew Tyson had done the right thing and he knew without hesitation that Shari would be pleased that he was with his family tonight. Yet, deep in his heart, Todd felt a swelling of love and gratitude to Mark. He had made the ultimate sacrifice for someone he loved, and a pride and admiration for Mark seeped through ever fiber of his body. Had one son made the right choice and the other the wrong choice? Todd didn't know. He loved them both fiercely and knew he would defend both choices as people inevitably questioned and speculated. He took a deep breath and started to rise. He felt old and achy as he wondered aloud, "Where do we go from here?"

Cami, always an empathetic, sensitive person like her mother, was as emotionally wrung out as an old rag. When the others left she went out into the back yard and sat on the old swing set that her parents kept around for grand kids. She stared up at the sky and watched a cloud drift across the crescent moon. How many times in her life when she had decisions to make had she sat on this very swing and stared up at the sky asking questions and looking for answers? The questions just kept getting harder and the answers more elusive. How did this happen? Would they ever be a family again? And she asked the toughest one of all, "How could she raise her family without her mom?" Tears ran unchecked down her cheeks and Cami allowed herself to wallow in her own self pity for several minutes. Then her thoughts turned towards the events of the day. She loved Tyson and she was so grateful to have her big brother still in her life, and she knew what it had cost him to run down the stairs that day. She wondered if he'd be able to live with the pain. Cami pictured Tyson roughhousing with his two kids and the memory tugged on her heart. He would be there to love and protect his family for a long time to come. She loved the way Liz championed Tyson and she felt a little of that same protective instinct towards him. She had seen the determination in her sister in law's face and she really felt like Liz and Tyson would be able to work through it.

Then she thought about Marci and the life she would have to live without Mark. He had loved his musical little wife passionately and completely, and Cami knew there would be a giant hole left in her life for a very long time. She didn't know how Marci would attempt to fill the void or if she would ever be able to. Maybe a love like hers and Mark's only came along once in a lifetime for a person and she would spend the rest of her lifetime reliving the memories of a nearly perfect love cut short. Cami wondered how she would feel if she were in Marci's shoes. Would she be angry at Sean for making the decision to stay with his mother? Probably. Would she feel like he had been forced to choose between the women he loved and he had chosen his mother? Maybe. Would her heart and her life be shredded beyond repair if she suddenly lost Sean? Absolutely.

Cami drew little circles in the dirt with the toe of her shoes, and wondered what would happen to her family. Part of her wanted to scoop them all up in her arms and shield them from all of the pain the next few months would bring. But a part of her also wanted to just get in the car and drive away back to her little home and the tedious little problems that had plagued her life before it came to a crashing halt. Wouldn't it be nice to just run away from all this and pretend it never happened? She knew she never would but it sounded tempting as she ran her fingers down the chain on the swing. Suddenly, her husband was there beside her. He reached out tentatively and touched her soft hair.

Sean wasn't always the most sensitive to people's feelings but as he walked out the door and saw Cami sitting on the swing, twirling her toes in the dirt, with tears trailing down her cheeks he would have moved heaven and earth to know how to comfort her. He knew he'd probably bungle anything he tried to say so he just reached out and touched her hair to let her know he was there. She turned her face into his hand and felt the calluses of his palm against her cheek. Suddenly the endless questions were too overwhelming and she leapt up, wrapped her arms around his waist, buried her head in the crook of his neck and tried to melt into him and disappear forever, or at least until the hurt went away. He smelled like Irish spring soap and deodorant and Sean and she thought nothing had ever smelled so inviting. He held her close and murmured something unintelligible. Cami smiled against his shirt because she knew that whatever he said was probably totally inappropriate for the situation, but he was trying and she loved him all the more for the effort.

Marci's loss loomed heavy on her mind as Cami held tightly to this man she loved so much. Could she suddenly lose him in a moment to some unforeseeable tragedy? The answer was painful but obvious. The thought made her hold her husband tighter as if she could keep him safe within the circle of her arms. She whispered a quiet promise to herself, "Oh Sean, I promise not to take you for granted. I'll treasure every minute of life with you."

Caught somewhere between the hurt and sadness of the day Cami experienced a little sliver of sweet, all encompassing love and held on to the feeling for dear life.

# Chapter 6

On the day of the funeral, family time to gather, pray, and say final farewells was both heart-wrenching and crucial to each family member. The mortician had done a beautiful job on the skin and faces of both bodies. They looked peaceful and content. Some family members hung back, wanted to remember the living as they had lived, full of life and laughter. Others seemed to need to gaze upon their faces one last time to say farewell. One of Shari's brothers delivered a beautiful prayer and heavenly music floated softly from the chapel

Tyson was a stiff, nearly lifeless, zombie. Still trying to control the flood of emotions, and afraid of what he would see in the eyes of friends and family, he turned off all emotion. He simply continued to put one foot in front of the other and breathe in and out. Liz stuck to him like a band aid, watching his face for any sign of the pain she knew he was experiencing. She was filled with admiration for his courage and wondered if anyone else saw the pain behind his eyes as he looked for the last time at his mother's slightly wrinkled face, tan from years in the sunshine, but always so full of love. His face never changed expression, but his sweaty hand clung to Liz and she felt his knees wobble slightly, and then he straightened up and reached into the casket. He brushed a stray lock from her forehead and whispered, "You know how much I love you don't you mom. You've always known." All day long he had been trying to remain in control and keep from breaking down. He reminded himself of Shari's belief in the afterlife and he hoped and prayed she was in a happy place somewhere with Mark. As the familiar knot of pain began in his abdomen, Tyson closed his eyes against the assault. Gradually, as it had begun, the knot began to dissipate and a sweet peaceful assurance seeped in to replace it. Tyson felt her presence almost as if she were there to whisper comfort to him and the vice squeezing his heart loosened slightly. The moment was a tender mercy from Heaven and it was just what Tyson needed to get through the next hour.

When Todd was around his family he became the rock of strength they leaned on. He always had been. This family time was no different. Later, alone, he would face the feelings crowding his consciousness. He knew his beloved Shari wasn't still in the body that lay in the casket so he spent only a few moments gazing down on the woman who had been his soul mate for over ½ of his life. He touched her hand but it was stiff and still and he pulled back quickly, and watched the other family members to see how they were holding up, wondering what he could do to make it easier on them.

Cami seemed to be handling things fairly well. Tears trailed down her cheeks as she came forward and held her mother's hand. For a moment he watched her transition back to herself centered teenage years as she asked the lifeless face questions about how she could possibly go on without a mother to help and guide her. They had always been close and without a mother, Cami's life really would be much more difficult. It would take her years to adjust to the lack of daily calls and sharing of funny stories. Todd knew that, in a way, they had been best friends and the friendship would be sorely missed.

The farewells to Mark were almost more painful. Shari had lived a full, exciting life filled with family and friends. Mark had just begun to experience the joy of family life. There are few things as painful as young lives, so filled with promise, cut short. Everyone who passed the casket felt the loss deeply.

Tyson's children had stayed with a relative outside of the room but Marci felt the need to have Eli close as she entered the room. She thought she had prepared herself emotionally for the sight of Mark in the casket, but realized now how absurd that thought was. She knew she was looking at her husbands' face for the final time in this life and yet it didn't really seem like him. His face looked peaceful and his wavy dark hair was perfect, but there was no smile on his face. Mark's signature was his enormous smile and he was almost always wearing it, especially around her. He didn't seem himself without it. Still, she gazed at his face and tried to memorize every centimeter of it. It was only when Eli turned in her arms to face the casket that she realized he hadn't seen his father yet. The room was quiet, except for a few sniffles, when Eli suddenly screamed for his daddy. He lunged toward the casket and became hysterical when they wouldn't let him reach his daddy. He threw a tantrum, crying and fighting until his mommy's heart was a wadded up ball of garbage. Someone took him out of the room and she could hear his frantic cries for his daddy down the hall. Marci knew nothing she faced in her life could ever be worse than this. She wanted to climb inside the casket with Mark, curl up against his chest and fall asleep forever. Instead, she ran her fingers through his thick hair the way he loved and whispered sweet words of never-ending love, and promises for the future. She stood beside him for a long, long time, unwilling to move, unable to leave and afraid of never seeing him again.

When the music for the funeral started, the mortician guided her by the arm towards the door as they closed the lid for the final time.

Shari's friends had worked magic to make the funeral a beautiful, moving tribute to her and Mark. They had spent hours collecting photographs from the boxes in Todd's den and they put together a beautiful presentation of their lives, their joy and their love for family. Pictures of piggy back rides, homemade Halloween costumes and backyard games were interspersed with family vacations, prom dresses and wedding photos. Mark and his young family were featured in as many photos as Shari and in each photo his smile seemed wider and more all encompassing. The soft background music was interrupted occasionally by a muffled sniffle as thoughts turned to memories of times with Mark and Shari.

The church was packed with friends and family and extra chairs lined the aisles. Whenever a tragedy takes the life of someone so young the pews fill up. There were literally hundreds of people who could consider themselves friends with one of the deceased. Gorgeous floral arrangements, filled with lilies, brightly colored Gerber daisies, mums and every imaginable shade of orchid exploded across the podium and stage. Their scents transported the first 4 rows to an outdoor spring garden, and Todd smiled as he entered at how Shari would have loved the flowers. Apparently, her friends knew she would have loved them too. This was the last gift they could give to a woman who had been there for them on so many difficult days. Truly, they had outdone themselves.

The eulogy was filled with remembrances of moments of joy, details of their lives and notes of the service and love they had both shared with family and friends. Yes, it made them look a little bit like saints, but at a moment like this that seems acceptable. When the congregation wasn't crying softly, they were smiling warmly.

A sister in law of Shari's rose to sing a favorite song of both Shari's and Mark's. They had often sung together as Mark played the piano and his deep bass drowned out her scratchy, usually out of tune alto. As the singer's beautiful voice began the strains from "How Great Thou Art," a calm, peaceful feeling settled over the room, and for the briefest of moments the pain and lost was eclipsed. On the last verse, as she started the chorus, the singer's voice choked slightly on a sob and the music continued alone. She paused, closed her eyes to refocus and finished the final phrase, "how great thou art." It was supposed to be sung strong and with conviction, but it came out more of a whispered plea.

Lastly, Todd stood to thank everyone for their love and support. His ashen face was lined with pain as he told them how much this would mean for both Shari and Mark.

"I want you to know that I consider these two of the finest people I have ever known and it has been a great privilege to have them in my life. They each made every day better just by being in it. Though their lives were cut short, they both experienced more joy in those short years than many people know their whole lives. We were truly lucky to have been around them for so long. As we remember them today, let's keep that memory in our hearts and pull it out once in awhile for a smile. They are gone but they will never be forgotten. Shari and Mark loved family, God and each other. In life they were there for each of us and for each other and in death they are still together. Thank you for the love and friendship you showered on them. That love will last forever."

As he crossed the room to sit down his wobbly knees nearly buckled and the papers in his hands rattled. Beyond the emotions, everyone knew engineer types weren't public speakers, and he fervently hoped he never had to do anything like this again.

The line of well wishers was long and slow moving. Everyone had an encouraging thing to say, a hug and a short memory of something they had done with either Mark or Shari. Tyson opted out of the receiving line, preferring not to look anyone in the face just yet. Cami took on the role her mother carried for so long as a natural hostess. Ignoring the frequent tears that slid down her cheeks, she offered at least as much comfort as she took from others. Todd and Marci both accepted hugs and condolences in a trans-like state, nodding mutely and thanking people for coming, but never really hearing anything they said. By the time the church cleared out everyone in the family was exhausted. The caskets were carried out and the family followed in a small procession. They had asked, after the enormous funeral service attendance, for just the immediate family to gather at the grave site. Though it seemed there could be no more tears to shed, the moment the caskets were lowered into the ground and the first shovel of dirt was placed on them, the finality set in. Tyson kept his head bowed and Liz enveloped his hand in both of hers. Todd and Cami held onto each other as he whispered his final farewell. Marci's hand covered her mouth, then she lurched forward, fell to her knees and called Mark's name. Instantly the entire family surrounded her. To a group picked clear to the bone with emotion, it was the final blow. They knelt with Marci and sobbed together, holding tightly onto each other.

# Chapter 7

The funeral was the most exhausting day of Tyson's life. That's saying a lot about a man who had spent the better part of his life climbing summits or in grueling sports tournaments. Emotional exhaustion was different than physical exhaustion though. Tyson felt like a wet cloth that had been wrung out over and over until nothing remained but a limp rag. He was dealing with the same emotions as the rest of the family, the hurt and sorrow of unexpected loss. But he also had the added burden of guilt. He was learning first had that guilt is a nasty bedfellow, squeezing your organs when you sleep, robbing your breath at random moments through the day, and filling you with dread every time you see someone you know. That's how the funeral had been for Tyson. Behind everyone's eyes he read questions, opinions and judgment. Every whispered conversation he couldn't quite make out was about him. Every glance his direction was condemning. His nerves were frayed before they even got to the grave site. Marci's tragic reaction had been a knife to his gut, twisting deeper with every sob. How could he go on living and enjoying his beautiful wife and children when Marci was left alone? He determined to help Marci at every chance he got. He'd be everything he could to her and Eli and he'd include Eli in everything he and Kenny did as they were growing up. Still, his shoulders sagged; it would never be like having his father with him.

Liz could tell Tyson's nerves were beyond the breaking point. She also knew he had a lot on his mind and needed to talk. Convincing him he needed to talk however, may be a little tougher. The ride home from the funeral and graveside were silent. Kylee and Kenny were asleep in the back seat. Liz reached over and for the hundredth time in a few days took a hold of her husband's arm. For the first time, he shrugged it off. "Don't," he said.

Liz could feel the tension in his corded arm and she made a crucial decision in that moment. She would not let him push her away. No matter how hard he tried. She loved his man with a passion and power that could withstand the fiery furnace of hell and she wasn't about to let go of him just because he told her too. Tyson deserved to be angry, to be confused and seeking solitude. She would let him have the time he wanted but she would always be there with an understanding heart, a caressing touch and a reassuring hug. She knew it wouldn't be easy at times but she was a strong person and she wanted Tyson back without all the guilt and sadness and she knew that if given time he would work it out and be the man she had loved all these years. It just might take the patience of Job to wait him out.

In the days following the funeral Tyson was more of a machine on autopilot than a man. He got up and helped with the kids but he spent a lot of time staring at nothing. He had a deep look of sorrow continually etched on his handsome face and the kids often had to call him several times before he responded. He did little projects that Liz asked him too and he played with the kids before bed but his exuberant personality was buried somewhere beneath the hurt and even the kids felt his withdrawal. Kenny still climbed all over him whenever he sat on the ground but Kylee, usually a bundle of bouncing energy, was more content to curl up on his lap with her blanket and tuck her head under his chin and just sit for long periods of time.

Liz watched him and wondered if it would help him deal with everything if he would go and talk with a therapist. Almost immediately she dismissed the idea. Tyson would never admit that a therapist would help. He had always been one to solve his own problems and he wouldn't relish anyone else helping him work through this one either. Yet, day after day she watched the man who had a zest for life and business dealings turn into a solemn, slow moving, old and tired version of himself. At night she tried to get him to talk to her, but he rolled on his side away from her and feigned sleep. He often shrugged away her touch and when she woke in the night he was rarely in the room with her. He was either downstairs sitting in the dark or on the back porch staring at the night sky. She figured he was sleeping only a few hours each night. No wonder he went through the days like a zombie. She thought maybe he would like to check the listings he had been working on before the accident, but he seemed to have no interest in turning on the computer, even to check sports scores. He seemed to have no interest in the news or world events either. It was completely unlike him and Liz began to worry about how long it would take him to sort through things and how she could help him.

He called Marci a few days after the funeral to see if she needed any help with things around the house. She was polite but firm in her refusal. Tyson spent the rest of the day replaying their conversation, reading in anger and condemnation in her words. Liz tried to no avail to convince him he was imagining it, but he wouldn't believe her. "Of course she hates me. How could she not? I'm alive and well and her husband is gone forever. She probably can't stand the sight of me."

Liz knelt before him and took his hands away from his face. The agony she saw there brought tears to her eyes. "Tyson, she doesn't hate you. She is hurting. Just like I would be if you had stayed in the building. She just needs time. She loves you and she knows how much you loved Mark. She is just consumed with her own pain and overwhelmed with the future right now."

Her words of comfort fell on deaf ears. The questions in his own mind were so loud they drowned out anything she was trying to say to him. He went out to mow the grass, but his heart wasn't in it. He left lines of tall grass between the rows he mowed.

Liz tried to stay upbeat and positive even though her heart was breaking for the losses she had endured the past week. The idea that Kylee and Kenny would never remember their Grandma Shari was crushing. She determined to find ways to bring her image to life to help her kids remember the precious moments. She missed Mark too. He was one of the most positive, encouraging people she had ever known and everyone had loved him, including Liz. She would miss her husband's brother as if she had lost her own. She kept the tears for times when Tyson was running errands or working in the yard and as soon as he came into the room she slapped on a smile and went into his arms. She wasn't much of a therapist but instinct told her to touch him as much as possible. She hugged him; even when he didn't seem to notice or respond and she touched him every time she walked by the couch where he sat.

She often stopped and stood behind him long enough to ruffle his hair, lightly massage his shoulders or plant a kiss on his cheek. He rarely responded but occasionally, she would feel him turn slightly into her embrace. At night, she offered to rub his feet with lotion, give him a deep massage or just cuddle in bed. Usually, he just wanted to sleep.

Tyson knew what his sweet little wife was trying to do and he appreciated it. He just seemed incapable of a response. It's like he was in a fog, and he didn't care. He was so tired all of the time and it required so much effort to cut his way through the dense fog. It was easier just not to feel anything. There was so much pain and guilt he just didn't know how to deal with it, so he tried his hardest to ignore it. Unfortunately, he ignored all his other emotions as well. He had replayed the events of that afternoon over in his mind so many times the images seemed permanently etched into the back of his eyeballs. He had tried various scenarios but in each one someone was devastated and left alone. It was one of those decisions with no winners, only losers and Tyson wasn't sure he wasn't the biggest loser of all. Yet, there were moments when he knew he had done the right thing. Moments when his adoring daughter curled on his lap or Kenny fell asleep on his shoulder, securely cradled in the safest place in his world. If he had done the right thing, why did he feel so much guilt whenever he thought of Mark or Marci? If he had done the right thing why couldn't he get past the hurt? He had lost love ones before but it had never stopped him in his tracks like this had. He knew he had to deal with the emotions but he wasn't ready to. He smiled to himself at how hard Liz was trying to be positive. He knew she was worried and he loved her for her fierce loyalty to him. One night, he awoke as usual about 3am with the same nagging guilt and sadness. He lay wondering if it was ever going to leave him alone. Suddenly he realized something was wrong. Liz's quiet, gentle breathing wasn't calming him from the other side of the bed. He listened quietly and heard a soft sound coming from the kitchen. As he swung his long legs over the edge of the bed and made his way to the kitchen he began to recognize the sound. It was the wrenching, pitiful sob of a heart in despair. He stepped into the kitchen and followed the sound toward the laundry room. In an attempt not to disturb him Liz had shut the door and leaned against the washing machine. There she gave way to the cleansing sobs that had been bottled up inside her. Her shoulders shook with great heaving sobs and she wasn't even trying to control the tears. He quietly opened the door and she looked up with a stricken face. He opened his arms and she stepped inside his embrace and buried her face in his shoulder. She was so tired of trying to put on a happy face. It was straining her to the point of collapse. She cried for Marci and baby Eli. She cried for her children who would never know their uncle or grandmother. She cried for Cami and for Todd and she cried for the loss of her exuberant, charming husband who had turned into a sad, grumpy shell.

Tyson knew why she was crying and he offered comfort the only way he knew how. He held her tight and whispered words of love. He knew she needed him but he still seemed powerless to be the man she was reaching for. As he held her he shook his head in an effort to dissipate the constant fog. If he could just feel something he may be able to start the climb out of the pit he was in.

The stupor of inactivity lasted another week. Liz began to worry. They had plenty of money in savings to last for awhile but Tyson had several deals in the works and he would lose them if he delayed much longer. Colleagues, bankers and clients had been calling for the past week. Liz gave them a short explanation and hoped they would be patient. She determined not to be put off again that night. She and Tyson would talk if she had to hold onto his face and force him to look at her. Something inside her told her that he needed help and she was adamant that she would help him get back into life.

That night she brushed out her long blond hair and took a deep breath. She hadn't been this nervous and unsure since they had been dating years ago. She climbed into bed and wrapped her arms around his waist. He grunted and she cuddled closer.

"Tyson, I need to talk to you. Your clients are calling. Your colleagues are calling and your bankers are worried about you and the deals you have left open. I'm stalling them but I think they need to talk to you." She was met with silence.

"Tyson, I know you're awake and I need an answer from you. You have responsibilities and people are counting on you. If you're not going to get these papers done you need to pass them to someone who will." She felt his shoulders tense.

"You love your job and you're good at it. Maybe if you went back to work a little you would find a little peace."

That was when the dam broke. Weeks of pent up emotion barreled out and Liz was caught in the onslaught.

"If you're so anxious for money I'll go back to the office tomorrow." he spat out. "I didn't realize the only value I have around here is a paycheck. Fine; I'll bring home your precious paycheck and prove to you that I can still take care of my family." He stood up and grabbed his pillow from the bed and stormed from the room.

Liz sat in stunned silence. What in the world just happened? Who was that man? Clearly, she was the lightening rod for some anger he was processing. She followed him from the room but he was already in the guest room and he wouldn't answer her knock.

"Tyson, open the door. You know I don't care about the money. I'm just concerned about your job and your peace of mind. Please talk to me honey. Don't be like this." She heard the music on the clock radio go up. Frustrated beyond even her tolerance level, Liz stormed into her room and sat down hard on the edge of the bed. Tears streamed down her cheeks. She wasn't sure if they were tears of anger, frustration, or hurt. For the first time, her resolve showed signs of crumbling. How could she help a man who was so opposed to being helped? She lay awake for hours replaying the conversation and reaching for an alternate ending. She finally dozed off and slept for only a few hours before she heard Kenny calling her from his crib. By the time she got him up and changed and fed she realized the guest room door was open. She peeked inside and then checked the garage. Tyson's car was gone.

Panic coursed through her as she ran through the house calling his name and looking for him. Kylee came out rubbing her tired eyes and looking confused. Immediately she cried for her daddy and refused to be comforted. Slowly Liz got a hold of herself and reason began to replace panic. She grabbed her cell phone and text Tyson, "Good morning. Where are you?"

The answer came back in one word "work" and her heart resumed its natural rhythm. She would make his favorite dinner and they would work through this. But Tyson didn't come home until 16 hours later. When he did, he acted like nothing had happened. Tired, irritable and on edge, Liz decided not to drag him into a discussion tonight. For the first time in a long time she didn't even try to cuddle him as they lay in bed that night.

Tyson worked 14-16 hour days the rest of that week. As he expected it had been awkward and uncomfortable the first day. Everyone felt the need to say something about the accident. He closed them down quickly with a dismissive nod and then changed the subject. Most people seemed relieved not to have to deal with it anymore. At work at least, it was business as usual. He was swamped because of the days he had missed and he had hours of catch up work to do. He seemed to come to life a little as he threw himself into the work he loved and Liz was so happy to see him showing any kind of emotion that she didn't dare challenge his hours. It just seemed easier to let him go at his own pace.

Tyson found that if he wrapped himself up in complex problems at work he didn't have to think about anything else. He was good at solving problems and finding what clients were looking for and when he immersed himself in the task at hand the pain and guilt left him alone. The longer and harder he worked the more exhausted he was when he lay down at night and the less he dreamed. That was alright with him.

Liz was running out of patience with her missing husband. The kids started acting up because they never saw him and there were so many things she wanted to talk to him about if he'd just be available once in awhile. Even when he came home from work late, he generally worked or was preoccupied with something from the day. She woke one night to the sound of his light snoring. She studied his face in the dim light. He looked peaceful for the first time in weeks. She reached out her hand and gently ran her fingers over the stubble on his cheek. She missed the way he teased her by holding her close and rubbing those gruff cheeks against her soft face, until she squealed and pushed out of his embrace. He grunted in his sleep and raised his arm up over his head. Softly she caressed the soft light colored hair on his strong forearm. She let her fingers play with the muscles there. She loved his forearms and his big callused hands. She missed his hands, and she wondered if they would ever go back to the spontaneous, fun couple in love they were a few weeks ago. He stirred in his sleep and she wrapped her arms fiercely around him and held on like the last leaf on a winter branch. She fell asleep wrapped around him.

# Chapter 8

Marci spent the first weeks after the funeral with her family. She lived in her old bedroom and spent the days in a trance like state, caring for Eli but never really responding or conversing with anyone else. Her mom did the shopping and the cooking and with a little coaxing they got Marci to eat, if only so she could continue to nurse Eli. Her parents worried that she was suffering from depression because she slept 14-16 hours a day and looked exhausted and haunted all of the time. Family members offered to take Eli to the park or out for awhile so she could be alone but she refused to let Eli out of her sight. Somewhere along the course of the last week Marci had developed the irrational fear that Eli was in danger and something terrible was going to happen to him too. She kept him close to her side all day and slept with him at night. She was consumed with caring for him, playing with him and being the perfect mother. If she spent all of her limited energy on Eli then she didn't have the energy to think about the rest of her long, lonely life without Mark.

When she slept she dreamed of Mark and his breathtaking smile. She dreamed of his hearty laugh and his strong fingers playing the piano as he sung an old 80's song to her. She dreamed of their tropical honeymoon, laughing on the beach and walking in the sunset. She dreamed of Eli's birth and their last day together. When she woke it was always the same. Her cheeks were wet with tears and the bed was cold beside her. She would hold Eli and caress his soft hair and try to tell herself that things would be alright, when she knew in her heart they never would.

Every day her parents expected her to start participating in life more but she kept withdrawing further and further into a shell of self absorption. She was with Eli but she was often distracted, just staring at the wall or the bookcase.

A part of Marci wanted to get back to her house but the reality of her life was still so overwhelming that she was paralyzed to make the move. The home she shared with Mark was full of memories, pictures, and things that reminded Marci of the beautiful life they had planned together. Though she loved her home she was afraid of the flood of emotions that would accompany her return.

After weeks of watching her recede further and further into herself, Marci parents were beginning to worry. They didn't know enough about the grieving process to know what to expect and how to help. They tentatively suggested that perhaps a professional could help her to cope a little better. Marci just shrugged at the idea.

A sort of breakthrough came when Marci needed more clothes from home. Her family had been running the errands back and forth if they needed anything but Marci decided if she was ever going to be able to live in her home again she needed to find out how comfortable she was there. Her parents drove and for the first time since she got the initial phone call, Marci went back to her home. Her quaint little 3-bedroom home with the big back yard and the orange tree was the home she and Mark had picked out as their starter home and where they hoped to raise their children. Her breath caught in her throat when they rounded the corner of her street and she steeled herself against the onslaught of emotions. Her parents offered to go in with her, but Marci wanted to go alone. She unlocked the front door with shaking fingers and walked towards the master bedroom where her clothing was kept. The walls were lined with pictures of a smiling, happy couple in wedding attire, with snorkels and with a new baby. She tried not to look at them, at least not yet. She made it to the master bedroom and stood in the doorway. Her hand flew to her mouth. Mark's running shoes sat beside the bed where he had left them. They were just sitting there waiting for Mark to return, but he never would. His leather jacket was thrown over the chair and she instinctively picked it up and held it to her face. She breathed in his scent in the leather.

Her parents waited in the car for about 15 minutes, and then they started to worry. They thought she may just need some time so they waited another 30 before they got out of the car and came into the house. They found her with little difficulty. She was curled up on the floor of the master bedroom closet, heaving great gulping sobs with Mark's leather coat clutched in her hands. The wracking sobs came from somewhere so deep her stomach muscles clenched. She fought to catch a breath in between. Her father knelt beside her and gently rocked his daughter. Her parents exchanged a look that said "This is enough. It's time to get some help."

They took Marci home, put her to bed, and called the doctor. She had an appointment early the next day. She was reluctant to go, but even Marci realized there was something wrong with her and she needed help. She wanted to try to stay away from medication if at all possible because she was nursing Eli, but she knew she couldn't continue on this path.

The female therapist was kind, patient and non judgmental. Her name was Maddy and she had understanding eyes. She reminded Marci of Shari and her mother in law had always been easy to talk too. Maddy specialized in grief counseling and as Marci looked carefully at the lines in her face and the sorrow behind the eyes she knew that Maddy knew a thing or two about pain and loss. She was friendly and encouraging and Marci began to open up slowly about the things she was feeling.

"I'm afraid to feel anything because it hurts so much," she explained. "If I could just put all my emotions on hold for a few months until I can deal with them I'm sure they wouldn't be so painful."

"What emotions are those Marci," the therapist asked?

"Sadness, loneliness, unbelievable pain," she paused and looked away guiltily. "Maybe some betrayal, confusion and a little anger. I'm not sure I don't even resent Tyson for living. How can I deal with those feelings when I can barely get up in the morning?"

"One step at a time Marci," the therapist whispered. "We'll get through one emotion at a time." She leaned closer to Marci and took her by the hands. There was so much kindness in her voice, Marci couldn't help but be affected.

"Marci, there is no right or wrong way to experience grief. Nothing you are feeling is wrong. There are no emotions you should feel or none you should try to suppress. Each can be dealt with and processed and you will be stronger and I promise you, someday you will be able to smile again."

Marci was doubtful, but Maddy's optimism was contagious and she felt a tiny little thread of hope course through her.

The first session they just talked about what happened and about Mark. Maddy asked about moments of joy, Eli, and life experiences and rarely made comments except to smile, nod her head in encouragement and make a few notes in her notebook. At the end of the hour Marci was physically drained when Maddy stood and casually commented, "What a blessing to have such a wonderful man in your life, if only for a short time."

At first Marci was taken aback slightly, "How could her life be in any way considered a blessing at this point?" It angered her little that Maddy would say such a thing. The words hung on the edge of her consciousness for hours; even days afterward and Marci began to acknowledge their validity. She really was fortunate to have had Mark. She had known years of the most sublime kind of joy human beings can ever experience and that was one of the reasons it had been so hard to lose. She had dozens of friends who had never found anyone who made their heart sing with joy like Mark had hers, and some that had married and never found the joy in their relationships like Marci had with Mark. Maybe she had been blessed to have him. She tried to adjust her thinking from despair to gratitude for the time she'd had with him, but telling yourself to feel one way and being able to manufacture it were too very different things. For the first time though, the thought had entered her mind and that had to be some sort of positive turn.

Marci worked with Maddy every few days and she looked forward to the sessions. They talked about loneliness and some alternatives to carrying the burden alone. Marci decided to start taking Eli to the park and a few fun classes and try to make friends with other young mothers so she and Eli could have a few play dates. It might be almost easier to form new friendships where people didn't know Mark and the way Marci was before his death. She knew she always had her family there for support and that was wonderful but they often seemed to be feeling sorry for her and censoring almost everything they said. There was her friendship with her sister in law Liz, but Marci wasn't ready to face her feelings about Tyson yet, and she wasn't sure her resentment didn't include Liz too. After all, Liz still had her wonderful husband and Marci didn't. A new friend might be worth pursuing. As was her trademark, Maddy ended every session with a little comment that often left Liz thinking and reevaluating for days. This week as Marci left Maddy said, "I know you'll find more friends as you realize what it takes to BE a friend." Marci spent the next several days wondering if she'd been too self-absorbed and what it would take to be someone's friend. She wasn't sure she had the strength to try, but something inside propelled her to believe that what she needed was to spend some effort in an attempt to befriend someone else and see what happened.

Marci and Maddy talked about the pain, the anger and the sense of betrayal. Maddy thought they were probably all tied up together. As they discussed the day of the accident, Marci's voice radiated frustration and even confusion. Clearly, she had a lot of questions.

"Marci, do you keep a journal?" Maddy asked.

"No, not really since high school. Just highlights from my life now and then. Nothing regular."

"Do you think it might add some clarification for you to write about your feelings and frustrations?"

Marci hesitated, "I don't know. It seems like it might be too painful to deal with them all at once. I suppose if you thought it would help I could try."

"I think it might help. Instead of writing in a journal you could write a letter. A letter to Mark explaining how you feel and then if you never want anyone to read it you could tear it up."

Marci was doubtful but once again the idea swirled around in her head for a few days until she was ready to give it a try. She put Eli to bed one night and sat at the old desk in her room. She started to write. She started out tentative and then the words just seemed to tumble out.

Dear Mark,

I miss you so much. I miss everything about you. I miss the way your eyes laugh, the dimple in your cheek. I miss your big strong hands playing the piano or wrapping around Eli's little hand. I miss watching you toss him in the air and rock him to sleep. I miss the feel of your skin and the touch of your hand and I miss your voice. The way you sing to Eli when he's cranky, or the way you sing softly in my ear while we are dancing. I miss how smart you are and how funny you are and I miss the date ideas you used to come up with. I miss laughing with you and singing with you and loving you. Mostly though, I miss your smile. It filled your face when you saw me and it lit up my world. No one has ever responded to me like you do and no one will ever make me feel loved like you do. How could you leave me Mark? You had a choice. You chose to let me raise our baby alone. How am I going to teach him? How am I going to smile and laugh with him when I don't ever want to smile and laugh again? How am I ever going to live my life without any love in it? Is your memory supposed to keep me warm at night and help me solve problems and raise a child? Most importantly, how am I ever going to forgive you for leaving me? I'm so angry at you right now. My life was perfect. You were perfect and we had so much to live for. Why Mark? I know you loved her but she wanted you to leave. Why couldn't you leave? Reach though the darkness and help me understand. Oh Mark, I love you so much. I can't comprehend never seeing you again. I gave you my heart and trusted you with it and now it's shattered into a million tiny pieces, and it can never be whole again. If you can, send me a message. Let me know you love me. I want to heal Mark, but I'm afraid I never will. Love Marci

Marci finished the letter, folded it and put it in an envelope, because that's what you do with letters. Then she smiled at herself. "Where exactly do I think I'm going to mail this?" The letter had taken nearly an hour to write and her energy was spent. She stood to work out the stiff muscles and went for a short walk in the cool evening air. With her head down she wasn't looking where she was going, just focusing on the sidewalk in front of her. Suddenly, there it was. It was lying right in front of her on the ground. A shiny, new penny sat waiting for her to pick it up. Her indrawn breath was sharp and she stood in awe staring at the penny.

On their first date, they had been walking to the car when Mark suddenly reached down, picked up a penny on the ground and quoted, "Find a penny, pick it up, all day long you'll have good luck." She had laughed at the time at the childhood rhyme. Mark had feigned offense. "I happen to know that is an absolutely prophetic rhyme and I'll prove it to you. This will be the luckiest first date of your life." Mark had continued throughout the evening to point out all of the fortunate things that kept happening. It made Marci smile. A year later when he proposed he gave her a ring box and told her that first date had been the luckiest day of his life because it was the day he met her. He wanted to spend every day for the rest of his life with her. When she opened the ring box the original penny lay cradled beside the diamond. Marci had been thrilled and touched and crazy in love. The penny still lay in her jewelry box. It had become a symbol of the good fortune they had in finding each other. When they traveled they always found a place that pressed penny's into souvenir tokens. Now she was staring down onto the sidewalk at a shiny new penny. Reverently, she bent and picked it up and cradled it in her hands. "Is that you Mark? Are you trying to tell me something?" She closed her eyes and lifted her face toward heaven. Maybe it was just desperation in her mind and maybe it was coincidence but a wind ruffled the trees and a calm feeling of love settled over the sad woman, standing on the sidewalk, holding a penny.

# Chapter 9

After the funeral Sean went back to work and Cami stayed with her father for a few days just to help him get adjusted to his new life. She made several meals for the freezer, did some shopping, accepted all of the casseroles and flowers from friends and spent a fair amount of time cleaning every little thing just the way her mother would have. As she worked she promised herself she would find a way to come by once in awhile and help him out around the house. It would take time to get used to doing all of the little things that Shari had done for years. For the first time Cami wondered if her father would ever remarry. It wasn't something she wanted to think about so she put it out of her mind.

Todd had taken a leave from work but after the first few days he wasn't sure that was a good idea. After Cami left he puttered around the house, starting projects but never finishing anything. He couldn't concentrate on reading, every show on TV seemed to be about death, and he ran out of things to say to callers within minutes. He hated the silence of the house, missed something about Shari in every room he entered, and took frequent walks. He knew he'd never be able to leave the house they had shared together for years but right now it just seemed like a big, sad box of pain and he was so tired of the pain.

He went back to work after the first week. He knew he wasn't running on all cylinders, but he needed work right now to occupy his mind. As the lead engineer on a multimillion dollar project, he was always needed at work and his team was grateful to have him return, even if he did have a short attention span and mentally wander off at regular intervals. Todd welcomed the mental strain of his job and found himself working harder and longer hours. He hated going home to bed alone at night so he simply worked until he was so exhausted that he collapsed on the bed and fell instantly into a deep sleep. It was only while he slept that he was free from the suffocating sadness. For weeks he was able to keep up this routine. He was staying alive, but just barely. His body went through the motions but most of his conscious hours were a fog. It didn't take long for the extra hours and stress to take their toll. His pants started to hang off of his frame and his whole body ached when he got out of bed in the morning. When Cami came into town to see him a few weeks later she gasped in horror at his gaunt appearance.

"Dad, what is wrong with you? Are you not eating? Are you sick? "She immediately called Tyson and tattled on her father. Todd felt a wave of guilt wash over him. Tyson had been calling and coming by but Todd had never been home, and only briefly returned phone calls. He knew his kids were suffering and they needed him but right now he was hanging by a thread himself and there was just no energy to share with anyone else. Every day was just a test of survival until living stopped hurting so much.

Todd sat guiltily on the edge of the couch with his head down. Cami knelt in front of him and started to talk to him. He didn't respond so she placed her palms on either side of his face and lifted it to look into her eyes. They were moist with unshed tears. "Please daddy, don't let me lose you too. My heart couldn't bear it. You've got to take care of yourself. Mother would want you too. Don't take away the only parent I have left."

The words penetrated and Todd looked at the worry and anxiety in his daughter's face. He hadn't realized he was slowly killing himself. Or maybe he had and he just didn't care. But Cami was right. He couldn't do this to his already suffering children. He promised Cami he would take better care of himself.

She seemed relieved but she cocked one eyebrow up and threatened, "I will hire an elderly, nagging busybody to come by and check on you weekly if I have to."

"Oh to be treated like a recalcitrant 3 year old. The pain of it all," Todd moaned dramatically.

"Well then perhaps you should stop acting like one, "Cami countered in her best schoolteacher voice.

"Reprimanded and repentant," Todd declared.

They spent a delightful evening playing checkers and visiting about everything and nothing and when Cami left she took a bunch of addresses to begin the long, tedious job of writing thank you notes to everyone who participated in the funeral, sent flowers or provided food.

The next morning, Todd woke determined to keep his promise. He ate a hearty breakfast and laced on his hiking boots. He was marginally surprised to feel the little jolt of adrenaline and excitement as he pulled his truck into the parking spot of a challenging mountain. It would feel so good to push his body hard right now. This wasn't Shari's mountain. He wasn't ready for that yet, but this one was his personal favorite. Even though he was weak from overwork and malnutrition he could still run up a mountain with little difficulty. He was on the top in a short while, his breath coming in great gulps. He leaned over to nurse a slight side stitch and gulped water from his camel back. As he gazed out over the Phoenix cityscape, taking in the beauty of the surrounding mountains, he felt for the first time a sense of peace. It started in his heart and the warmth spread to his limbs. Maybe, just maybe he could go on living. Could he have a full and busy life with those he had left to love? He had merely existed for weeks now and frankly, it was draining. He had never been one to wallow, or dwell on past mistakes or circumstances and as he stood on the mountain he determined not to start now. He would take every day as a challenge to be the man Shari had loved for 35 years. He would be the man who loved adventure; the man who never took a day or a relationship for granted.

After a month of gloom, inactivity and sadness Todd was tired of it all. It's exhausting to be in pain all the time. Yes, he loved Shari and Mark. He would feel the hole left by their passing every day for the rest of his life but he wouldn't become one of those bitter people with no joy left in their lives. He stood on the top of the mountain and watched a lazy cloud float overhead and said with his quiet, methodical approach to solving problems. I may never be as happy as I was with Shari in my arms, but I will love and enjoy my life and those I have left, and someday I will smile and maybe even laugh again.

It was easy for Todd to maintain his new attitude at work. Things were always busy. He was in high demand and his brain was on overload most of the day. At night when he came home to an empty house, with no dinner and no companion to discuss the events of the day with his resolve faltered. He felt the gloom seeping over him as he tossed a burrito into the microwave. He was just so lonely. The self pity and anger at the situation crept into his mind like an invasive disease. He picked up the phone to call Tyson or Cami, and then slammed it down again. He couldn't expect them to solve his problems. This was his new life and he had to find a way to improve it. He considered calling old friends, but honestly talking to them often left him more depressed than before he called. He switched on all the lights in the house, hoping to dissipate the gloom. Then he turned on the radio to a classic rock station and turned the music way up. It helped a little. He wondered briefly if he was going to lose his mind before he learned how to deal with the loneliness.

Todd plopped down on the couch. He was an engineer so he decided to handle this like an engineer. He opened up his I pad and began to assess the options. He didn't want to be lonely. He could make new friends, but that was a lot of work and he didn't know if he really wanted new friends. He could spend more time with his kids and grand kids. An excellent idea but it would still leave him with a lot of extra time. The thought occurred to him that he could help Marci with her house and yard and babysitting so she could get away occasionally. She had a lot of family but he would love to be useful in any way he could. He would call her as soon as he finished his list. He could join a club or a sports league. He had always liked tennis and racket ball so he made a note to look into those. He wasn't overly social so he decided against a club where he would have to walk around and make small talk.

He didn't even write down "date" because he definitely wasn't ready for that. Out of the blue the perfect idea landed in his mind. It would solve the loneliness problem and give him a companion to discuss his day with, a friend to hike with and a warm body to snuggle up to in the evenings. He would get a dog. It would have to be a well-behaved, trained, big dog. He loved the idea. Immediately, Todd flipped to a search engine on the I pad to try and find the perfect breed. He wasn't sure if he wanted a pure bred or a mutt, but he knew it had to be great with kids, well-trained, tough enough to run up mountains and young enough to live for a long time. He would love to find one at a rescue shelter but that might take awhile. He started searching. For the first time in a long time, Todd was just a little bit excited about something.

He spent two weeks finding just the right companion. He actually enjoyed the search and he donated to every shelter he visited. In the end, when he looked into the eyes of an unusually large chocolate Labrador he knew he had found his new friend. "Hershey" was given to the rescue shelter because he was just too big for the tiny home of his previous owner. As Todd watched him leap around the shelter he suspected he was also a little too active for most people, but Todd actually loved the idea of a little high maintenance right now. He knew labs were smart and he would be able to train him to be the perfect companion. It would take patience and time and right now Todd had an overabundance of both. He and Hershey both had a little pep in their step as they walked to the car together.

Todd rolled down the window of the SUV and opened the passenger door. Hershey jumped into the seat, immediately put his paws on the window and stuck his upper body as far out as was physically possible. As Todd drove down the road, he kept an eye on Hershey. The dog's tongue was hanging down one side of his mouth, flapping in the breeze and his eyes were squinted against the wind as he lifted his head up into the breeze. He was the epitome of sheer joy and it made Todd smile. Even if he was pretty sure he could never feel pure joy again it was nice to see someone could. The music played on the radio and suddenly Hershey's hind quarters started wiggling along with the beat. Todd laughed in disbelief as the giant chocolate dog's back end danced with excitement. The laugh felt good and he wondered if that was the first time he had laughed out loud since Shari and Mark's death.

Todd decided to find out right away how Hershey did with children, since that was the most important characteristic in his new companion. He had been meaning to go by Marci's house and mow the grass anyway so it seemed like the perfect opportunity.

As he knocked on Marci's door he heard Eli's little feet run across the tile. A few minutes later, Marci and Eli answered the door. When Marci saw the enormous dog she stood in shock, but for Eli it was love at first sight. "Horsey" he squealed as he jumped up and down.

Todd laughed again, "No Eli, it's not a horsey, it's a dog. His name is Hershey and I brought him to help me mow the grass."

To Marci he added, "I wanted to make sure he loves kids so let's visit for a minute and keep an eye on him."

Marci nodded though she looked a little unsure. The dog's mouth was bigger than Eli's whole head. Eli however had already climbed onto the couch where he clapped his chubby little hands together and called "Hisee, Hisee" over and over. When Hershey padded over, Eli suddenly leaped off of the couch and attempted to mount the big dog. Hershey moved at the last second and Eli landed with a painful thump on the carpet. Completely undeterred, Eli climbed the couch and tried again, and again and again. It became a great sport for Hershey. He would creep up slowly to the couch with his head and torso near the ground and his hind end up in the air and just as Eli pounced he would sidestep the leaping missile. Eli learned how to fall less painfully and he giggled joyfully every time he missed. As Eli ran into his room to get a ball, Hershey followed him. Eli loved it and immediately threw the ball for him. He cocked his little arm back and stepped his left foot forward just like a natural and threw the ball, directly at Hershey's face. The confused dog jumped and darted around looking for where it landed after it bounced off of his face. When he brought it back to Eli, the little boy squealed in delight. A new game was born.

The two fast new friends raced around the backyard while Todd mowed the grass. Even Marci smiled at the happiness on her little boy's face and Todd decided Hershey was a keeper.

Hershey adjusted quickly to his new home. After he explored every square inch of the backyard, he marked his territory repeatedly and Todd wondered aloud, "How can he possibly have that much pee in his body?" They had some dinner, worked on a few training exercises and settled in for the night. Hershey slept at the foot of the bed and for the first time in what seemed forever, Todd fell asleep to the sound of someone else's breathing besides his own.

They slipped easily into their new routine. They went for a morning hike; Hershey laid around in the Arizona sunshine all afternoon while Todd worked and then when Todd came home they worked on some training exercises, watched a little TV and went to bed. Hershey was an exuberant hiker. He pulled Todd all the way up the mountain the first few times and he seemed to have an insatiable need to "beat" everyone else up the mountain, no matter how far ahead they were. He gulped down so much water at the top that Todd made him carry his own water bottle in a strap on backpack. Hershey got so that whenever he saw the backpack come down from the shelf he would leap and bark in excitement. If Todd was slow filling the water bottles, he would whine and pace back and forth to the door. They often spent their weekends with the grand kids or at the park. Todd would practice his tennis swing against the boards or hit the racket ball against the 3-wall courts and Hershey would run around beside him, barking at the ball or chew on a bone at the edge of the court.

When the days started to get warm, Todd installed a doggie door to the house. Yes, it was big enough for a full grown man to crawl in but Hershey would probably discourage that. While he was considering installment of the door, briefly Todd wondered if maybe a part of him really didn't care if a serial killer got in. He dismissed the thought with a shake of his head. He was trying so hard to want to be alive.

The first time Todd came home from work to find an enormous head watching out the window for his arrival he laughed out loud. Hershey was standing on the couch with his paws on the windowsill waiting for Todd. When he spied his new owner Hershey jumped and barked like a little kid full of too much sugar. It reminded Todd of all the times Tyson, Mark and Cami had stood at that window waiting for him to come home with the very same reaction. Even though the reminder of Mark brought a stab of pain, it felt good to have someone excited to see him again.

It was while Hershey was trying to get a drink from the toilet that Todd began to notice how much he had let the house go since Shari's death. As he pulled Hershey's head from the toilet he noticed for the first time the ring around the inside of the bowl. He realized he really hadn't cleaned the toilets much during their married life.

"Yikes," he grimaced, "Was I a chauvinist all these years? Probably one more thing I have to apologize for in the hereafter. Add it to the list." He went in search of the cleaning supplies, and decided he better do all three bathrooms while he was at it. After over an hour of scrubbing toilets and tubs Todd tore off the rubber gloves, made a nasty face, and declared, "I am NOT going to do that every week. I'll hire someone to come in and clean but that is not how I'm going to spend my time." His respect and admiration for his wife took another skyward leap. As long as he was at it, he might as well hire someone to do a thorough cleaning every week. It was a matter of self preservation really. "If I have to scrub toilets every week I really will fall into a deep depression," he convinced himself.

# Chapter 10

Cami kept her promise and came by on a regular basis to see her dad. The cleaning lady had just been for the week and Cami came to visit the next day. While reaching to get an apple she found a very full refrigerator. Casseroles of every kind crowded the shelves, wrapped in plastic, foil or Tupperware. Some of them looked like they had been around for a very long time. "What the heck Dad? You have enough food in here to feed an army. Where did you get all this stuff and why aren't you eating it?"

"Oh, mom's friends keep bringing food by for me. They bring way too much and I can't even begin to eat it all. I used to try to store some in the freezer but I just gave up and throw it all out periodically. I think they feel a little sorry for me not having Mom around to cook for me so they keep feeding me."

Cami hesitated for about 5 seconds before she decided to tell him. "Dad, I don't think the only reason they are bringing food by is because they feel sorry for you. Have you stopped to think how many of the women still bringing food are single? She turned over a casserole dish that had a return name and phone number printed on the bottom. Did it dawn on you that they might be letting you know what good cooks they are just in case you are lonely?"

She could tell by the look on his face the idea had never occurred to him. He looked horrified. "Are you telling me those women are flirting with me? They expect me to ask them out?"

Cami tried to break it to him gently, "I'm not sure they expect you to ask them out right away, but let's face it dad, you are a tall, successful, good looking, single guy. In case you haven't noticed there's a shortage of those out there and the fact that you loved mom so deeply for so many years isn't dissuading them any either."

Todd collapsed in the chair. He hadn't thought of himself as single. He had no desire to. "I can't lead those women on. I can't go on a date. I've got to tell them to stop bringing food by. I'm not available."

Cami thought he sounded like he was hyperventilating. "Relax dad, if you don't want to hurt their feelings we'll just tell them that you have hired a full time cook and maid. Then they won't have any reason to keep coming by and dropping off meals. Of course that means you are going to have to hire a full time cook and maid.

"I already have a maid come in once a week," he volunteered.

"Good," Cami answered, "Now we just need to find you a delicious cook who makes small meals that you can heat up whenever you're hungry. Leave it to me and I'll see who I can find." While Cami thought the look on her father's face was kind of funny, she really wasn't crazy about her mom's single friends pursuing her father, especially this soon after the accident. After all it had only been a matter of months.

The following evening Todd was just coming home from work when a white Mustang pulled up in his driveway. A middle aged woman hopped out of the car with a casserole in her hands and smiled in his direction. "Hi Todd, do you remember me? I'm Genevieve, Shari's friend from the scrapbooking club."

Todd began to panic. Who was Genevieve? Was she single? He couldn't remember. He was so uncomfortable standing there with a woman that he couldn't remember how to speak. That was alright with Genevieve, she just continued to talk.

"I brought you a little something to eat in case you get hungry later. I hope you like lasagna."

Lasagna was one of his favorites. He looked at her suspiciously. How did she know lasagna was one of his favorites? And she was wearing a blue silky looking shirt. Did she know blue was his favorite color? He fought down the rising terror. No, she couldn't possibly know any of that. It was just a coincidence. He still hadn't said anything and she handed him the dish and smiled up at him.

"Todd, my number is on the bottom of the dish. Just call me if there is anything else I can do for you ok."

He tried to respond. He meant to thank her, but it was more of a stammered grunting thing and then he abruptly closed the door in her astonished face.

Todd collapsed on the couch. That was nerve wracking. He never wanted to go through that again. He immediately called Cami and told her to hurry up and get the word out that he had hired a cook.

Household maintenance wasn't the only thing weighing on Todd's mind these days. He cringed the day the check came in the mail. Todd was opening and sorting bills on a Saturday morning when he tore open correspondence from the insurance agency and stopped suddenly. Then he sat down hard on the kitchen chair. He had completely forgotten the huge life insurance policy he had taken out on Shari. What had it been? 20 years ago? He wanted to make sure he could afford to hire all the help the kids would need if something ever happened to her and honestly, he smiled at the reminder, he wanted to make sure she knew her value. But that was years ago. Had he really kept all that insurance all these years? Apparently he had. He had signed so many forms and papers after the funeral that he really couldn't remember even requesting the settlement, yet here it was. After all the fees and adjustments he still had several hundred thousand dollars left. With this kind of money, he would never have to work again a day in his life. That thought made him smile. What in the world would he do with his life if he quit working? That was just about the last thing on earth he needed right now. More time with nothing to do. He put the check away, made a mental note to deposit it into his savings account and went on with his day.

As hard as he tried to find little moments of joy in his life, Todd still felt weighed down with a heavy load on his heart that often threatened to suffocate him. He woke up every morning with a feeling of peace and contentment, until a split second later when the fog dissipated and he began to remember the events of the past few months. The peace was replaced by hollowness and an ache that just never seemed to go away. He wondered if it ever would.

The weeks and months slipped into a regular routine for Todd. He worked, he played with Hershey and his grand kids, took his kids and Marci out to dinner periodically and spent time improving his tennis and racket ball skills. He was never really happy, but the moments of profound sadness came less often and he definitely had moments of joy with the kids and grand kids. Moments when he laughed out loud at something they did or said, moments when he heard a funny story or watched a funny movie. He tortured himself with memories of Shari and Mark a little less often these days but he still loved to spend Sunday nights on the deck with a drink in his hand and 80's music on the stereo, replaying some of his favorite memories over the years. Just recently he noticed they made him feel like smiling more often than they made him feel like crying. That had to be some sort of a sign of improvement. He didn't really know what to expect from the grieving process but he thought he was pretty normal. It seemed natural to him that when he read about someone dying he usually wished it were him. He knew he'd never do anything like take his own life, but neither was he sure that he would fight to live if he had a terminal diagnosis. It was just such a tremendous effort to live. He wondered it if was unfair that so many people died of cancer, disease and accidents who fought with all of their will to live, when he was as healthy as a teenager and wasn't sure he even really wanted too.

It was this thought that led Todd to a personal revelation that ended up bringing some measure of comfort. He began to think about life and death and those he knew who were fighting for life. A colleague of his had recently mentioned his wife's illness and Todd had mentally dismissed the thought. He simply had too much on his emotional plate to deal with anyone else's trauma right now. But as he sat and stirred his drink he focused on the few things he remembered about the conversation. His friend's name was Lew and he thought he remembered that his wife was Laura or Barbara or something similar. It seemed like she was fighting a cancer of some type and nothing seemed to be working. Todd thought about what it would have been like to have time to say goodbye to his wife and hold her hand as she passed rather than the traumatic way it had happened. He also thought about his friend and decided that it was time for a long conversation, a listening ear and a compassionate attitude. He wasn't sure he was capable of much, but a part of him, deep inside, knew that helping another person through a difficult time might bring Todd some measure of peace himself.

The next day Todd emailed Lew and asked him if they could go get some lunch together. Lew sounded tired but agreed. About noon they met outside of the plant and decided to walk to an Italian place not far from work. Todd wondered about how to broach the subject of his wife's health and dismissed a couple of ideas before he finally just said, "Lew, I'm sorry I haven't been more involved with what you're going through. How is your wife doing?"

It was as if the floodgates opened up. Apparently men don't always have the outlets that women do to unload fear, worry and concern. Once Lew started talking he just didn't seem to stop. His eyes were tired and dull looking and his face was hollow and haggard.

"I'm just so frustrated with the doctors. I can't ever seem to get answers from them, they don't talk to each other or to me and I have no idea what medications they are prescribing half the time. The highs and lows are the worst. One day I think she seems more energetic and optimistic and the next day she is weak and lethargic. I tell you Todd, you can't imagine what it's like to watch someone you love just fade away in front of your eyes. We've tried just about everything and some days I'm just so tired of trying and getting my hopes up again. I haven't told the kids yet, but I think we're getting close to the end. She is in so much pain now the kids can't stand to even come visit her. It tears them up to see her face grimace and wrench up in pain when they are talking to her. She gasps and clutches at them and it just about kills them. She loves to have them visit but it's so emotionally draining on them."

Lew sighed and paused to order and eat a bread stick. "I'm sorry I'm talking so much, especially after you so recently lost your wife too, but it seems to consume my every thought. How are you doing?"

Todd knew it was a rhetorical question that Lew wasn't really looking for an answer to so he just gave him the standard. "I'm getting better day by day."

Lew continued, pausing occasionally to take a bite or a drink of water. "I've watched her go from a healthy, laughing, young woman to a shriveled, skeletal old woman in a matter of months. She spends most of her time sleeping and I can't complain about that because it's the only time she's free from pain. She tries really hard not to let others know how much pain she is in but it's obvious in her face, in her eyes and when she moves. It's like a piece of my insides rip every time she writhes in pain. I confess Todd; there are times when I dread going to see her myself because it just hurts so much. She likes to hear my voice but she can't really put forth the effort to talk much, and she leaves the TV on but I don't think she can concentrate on it. She no longer reads or takes walks around the building. She just lays there hurting. It seems the cancer has robbed her of even more than her health. She has lost her dignity, her personality and the simple joys that have brought her so much happiness over the years"

Todd mumbled something about being sorry but Lew never really heard it. He was lost in his own world of worry and sorrow.

"Every day the moments of hope and optimism are fewer and fewer. I think it's only a matter of time now. I just can't imagine life without her." Lew's eyes welled up briefly and his voice choked on the last phrase. "It's the worst possible way to die, and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy."

That night, as Todd sat on the balcony sipping a smoothly and scratching Hershey behind the ears he had a lot to think about. True, he had lost Shari suddenly and wished he could have said goodbye, told her he loved her, and held her hand as she passed. But Shari would have hated a slow, painful death that left everyone around her emotionally shredded. As Todd watched the sunset fade onto the horizon he thought about the woman he loved and the life she lived. Shari truly loved life and lived it to the fullest. She loved to laugh, to help others and to enjoy nature. Most of his memories of Shari, even on the day she died were positive and filled with laughter and joy. Todd would never have chosen to lose Shari at the young age of 55 but because of her sudden death there were a lot of things she would never have to go through and the family that loved her would never have to watch her suffer.

Todd decided to think about what Shari would have wanted. Shari thought Alzheimer's was the most evil, insidious disease ever to plague mankind. Now, she would never have to suffer from Alzheimer's or the loss of her precious memories. She would never suffer the slow agonizing death of cancer, or even have to be bedridden with some debilitating disease. She would never know constant pain or loss of dignity. It suddenly occurred to Todd that she would also never know the "knife to the soul" pain of losing one of your children or watching your spouse suffer and die. Shari truly would have hated all of those things, and because of that fateful day in the tower she would never have to live through any of them. Everyone dies and very few of us have any say in the way that comes about. Shari's sudden death may not have been the worst way for her to die. Todd mulled these thoughts over and over in his mind as darkness enveloped the patio. He still couldn't say that it was a blessing the way Shari died but a tiny part of his brain had begun to formulate the possibility that she would have been much happier this way than with some of the alternatives.

# Chapter 11

Liz was running low on patience with her husband's insane hours. He had sold more in the last few weeks than he had sold in months and he was working like a man driven. She could tell it was becoming more of a way of life than an exception and this was not the direction she wanted her life to go. She had a vivid recollection however, of the last time she tried to talk to Tyson about changing his life. She really didn't want to be the lightening rod again. Tyson was usually so amicable and enjoyed talking. She sighed and blew the breath out of her mouth so that it ruffled the bangs on her forehead. Was anything ever going to be easy again? She dreaded the conversation, but her resolve gave her the kick in the back side she needed.

He came home late as usual. He went in to kiss the kids goodnight and Liz came up behind him and wrapped her arms around his middle. "They miss you," she whispered. She instantly felt his muscles tighten. So this was how it was going to be. She would plead and he would get defensive or close down. They would end the same place they always did these days, with the silent treatment. Liz heated up his dinner while he caught up on some paperwork. She had just about had enough. Tyson could hear his wife banging around and slamming doors and he knew it was coming before she sat the plate down with a little extra force in front of him. Still, he feigned oblivion as he dug into his delicious meatloaf. She sighed loudly and stood with her arms folded. He ruffled some papers beside his plate and looked them over.

"Nice try Tyson. We are going to have a conversation if I have to stay up all night waiting for you to acknowledge me. Don't think I won't chase you around the house ranting at you. It is completely your fault that I've turned into this raving shrew. You won't talk to me and I never see you. When I finally do see you I'm like a wound up jack in the box ready to explode. The kids are as bad as I am. You'd think they were two starved little puppies the way they follow you around whenever they see you. Did you notice the other day when you went to the bathroom and Kenny immediately crawled after you? You didn't think it was a little telling that he kept sticking his chubby little fingers under the crack in the door? They just want to be near you Tyson. They need you and I need you."

Tyson put down the paper and set his fork aside. She was right. He smiled slightly at the memory of Kenny's little fingers peeking under the door. "OK, what do you want to talk about?"

It was too good to be true. He was giving her his undivided attention for the first time in weeks. Her resolve faltered slightly and she almost determined to be nice about it. Then she remembered where niceness had gotten her so far. It was almost nowhere. It was time to play hard ball with her absentee husband. At work he was used to demanding clients and tough negotiations. She could run her home the same way. When it was something this important Liz could be as unrelenting as anyone he'd ever dealt with.

She took a deep breath and bent forward at the waist to look him square in the eye. She'd heard that a position of power was important in tough negotiations so she bore down on him with an unflinching fixed gaze. "I want Saturdays AND Sundays, all day. I want you here to do baths and bedtime 3 nights a week and I want big time wrestling back."

Tyson cocked an eyebrow at her expression and her demands. "Saturdays AND Sundays? You don't think that's asking a little too much?"

"I do not. Saturday is for working with the kids in the yard and going fun places. Sunday is for church and extended family. We need them both. This is non-negotiable." Then she felt a little selfish so she added, "I only asked for 3 nights a week. That still leaves you 2 for evening clients."

Tyson rose from his chair, regaining the position of power over his diminutive wife. "Is there anything in this proposal that IS negotiable, "he quarried?

That half grin of his made Liz lose all concentration. "Well I suppose big time wrestling could be exchanged for the sleeping monster game, but that is as far as I'm willing to go."

Tyson was enjoying this aggressive side of his wife. "And what if I'm not willing to meet your demands?"

She fixed him with her most resolute glare and let the tension build dramatically for a few seconds then she added slowly, "You have no idea what I'm capable of."

That brought on a full smile from Tyson. He knew she was only half jesting. When she made up her mind to something she was a pit bull. He had visions of his wife and two kids showing up at work to drag him away or bringing a picnic into his office. He could tell when she had on her "don't mess with me" face. He sighed and enfolded her in his arms, resting his chin on the top of her head.

"Aw honey, I know this has been hard on you and the kids. I'm trying to work through it but I'm not very good at dealing with all these emotions. It's so much easier just to retreat into what I am good at."

"Don't you see Tyson? If you weren't so much fun to be around, we wouldn't miss you so much. According to those two kids of yours the fun can never really begin until daddy gets home. You're everything to them and if I'm being completely honest I'll admit I kind of like having you around too. I need you to talk to me Tyson. I feel like I hardly know the man you are becoming." She stifled a little sob snort. "I don't want to lose the man you were."

Tyson took a deep breath. He wasn't one to share his feelings with a therapist or go to a bereavement group, but he could try to tell his wife what he was feeling. She deserved that much at least.

Liz looked up at him imploringly, "Why are you trying to shut out the people who love you most in the whole world?"

He ran his hand through the thick blond waves of his hair. It took him a minute to put into words but he began to tell her what was in his heart. "I think it's possible that the guilt of not staying with mom has turned into a sense of guilt at being happy. I'm not sure I can enjoy my family when dad and Marci have lost their chance at happiness. Does that make sense? Every time I start to really laugh and have a good time I'm assaulted with guilt about Marci's loneliness and it drains the joy right out of me."

Liz didn't know how to respond to that. She had no idea he was feeling guilty about enjoying his family. "I guess I can understand that, but let's come up with a plan to work towards a normal life again. Maybe we can slowly desensitize you to the guilt a little fun at a time. Would it help if we spent more time with Marci and Eli?"

"I don't know. I'll try but I need you to be patient as I sort through these feelings and remember when I can't take it anymore I may need to lose myself in work occasionally."

Liz nodded and sighed. If she didn't love this man so much it would sure be easier. She knew they weren't there yet, but at least they were finally making progress. She leaned up on tiptoe and kissed him hungrily. He responded just like he was supposed to, so she took him by the hand and led him to the bedroom.

Tyson slept in late and for the first time in weeks and woke up without feeling drained. He stretched lazily in bed and woke his wife up by nuzzling on her neck. She giggled and rolled out of bed to check the kids. Kylee was just waking up when her mommy told her that there was someone waiting to see her on the big bed. With scary hair flying in every direction and her pajamas all askew, she barreled into her parents' bedroom. She was just about to leap onto the bed when she heard the loud, outrageous snore of the sleeping monster coming from underneath the pillow. She snuck up slowly, creeping quietly towards the outside of the bed and gently lifted the edge of the pillow to check and see if the monster was still sleeping.

"Rarr," Tyson shot up in bed and growled. Kylee shrieked and tried to run away, but the sleeping monster was too quick for her. He grabbed her around the waist, hauled her into his lair and began feasting on her tender middle. She was squealing and wriggling and trying to get away when Liz carried Kenny into the room. He immediately began bouncing in his mother's arms and reaching for his daddy. Tyson released Kylee and she ran for the safety of her mother. They all watched as the sleeping monster lay back down and covered his head with the pillow. Within seconds he was snoring loudly again. Kylee slowly crept up to the side of the bed but Kenny was quicker this time. His mom sat him on the bed and he quickly crawled up to the pillow. Before Kylee could peek under the edge, Kenny rose up on his feet and unceremoniously dropped his behind directly onto the pillow over the sleeping monster's face. "Umph," the sleeping monster sounded like it was in pain. Liz bit her lip. Kenny was winding up for another assault on the sleeping monster's face when Tyson's arm snaked out and pulled Kenny under the pillow with him. Kylee climbed on the bed and it instantly became a free for all of big time wrestling. Pillows and sheets flew everywhere. The kids had Tyson's arms pinned and he was struggling when suddenly he reversed them and he had them both pinned to the bed. Liz leaned against the door jamb and unobtrusively wiped away the tear that stole down her cheek. This was probably as close to heaven as mortals can get.

She hated to end the game but they had a play date to get to and she knew Tyson had a full day at the office. They had a quick breakfast and then he kissed two milk mustaches goodbye and smacked his wife's pajama behind on his way out the door.

The play date with friends went well and Liz called Marci to see if they could stop by after naps to visit with Eli for awhile.

By now Marci had moved back home with Eli to the house she had shared with Mark. She knew the others were moving on but she really wasn't. She left his leather jacket on the chair and his clothes and shoes in the closet. She spent hours every day looking through old photographs, watching videos of Mark and reading notes and cards he'd sent. Instinctively, she still watched the door a little after 5 every evening for him to come through. She was always still a little sad when he didn't. The sessions with Maddy were helping a lot and she was feeling herself starting to heal, she just needed to do it at her own pace.

Marci and Liz chatted for a minute, set up a play date and said goodbye. Liz laid the cell phone on the passenger seat in her car and buckled the kids in to head home for lunch and naps.

At 11:47 Tyson's secretary motioned him out of a client meeting. Tyson was on his feet immediately. There were very few reasons his secretary would ever motion him out of a meeting and a sense of dread shot through him. He followed her quickly to the phone. A woman's voice said, "Umm this is Brenda and I think your family was involved in an accident. I'm at the scene and your wife told me to call this number."

Tyson's head started swimming and he sat down hard to keep from passing out. It took him a few seconds to form coherent speech. "Where are you? What's happening? Are they OK?"

"I don't really know. I just got here and your wife asked me to call. She told me to tell you they were OK. The ambulance is taking them to the hospital. We are on the corner of 7th and Beardsley but the ambulance is loading everyone up now so they won't be here. I think they're headed for John C. Lincoln hospital."

Tyson flew towards the door and was halfway down the hall when he realized he left his keys on his desk. He turned, sprinted into his office and yelled at his secretary that he would call her later.

He drove to the hospital like a maniac. It was a miracle he didn't cause another accident. Terrifying thoughts kept going through his mind. This couldn't really be happening to him. Not now, just as he was beginning to cope with one trauma.

He pulled into the parking lot, parked illegally, and ran for the emergency room entrance. His heart was in his throat as his eyes frantically searched the waiting room. He hurried to the desk and gave them his name. The receptionist motioned for him to come through the door and she buzzed him in. As soon as he stepped through he heard Kylee's high pitched voice. It was manna from heaven. She was asking a nurse if she could use the stethoscope and Tyson followed the sound of her voice. He glanced behind the curtain and drank in the sight before him like a starving man at a banquet. Kylee was badgering a nurse, Kenny was curled up sleeping next to his mom and Liz was propped up in the bed looking irritated. His heart slowly began to beat normally again.

Kylee saw him first. She promptly burst into tears and ran to her daddy. He scooped her up and smoothed her always disheveled hair. "What happened pumpkin?"

She wrapped her arms around his neck and muffled into his Adam's apple. "We had a assident." She pulled back and scolded him, "Mommy conked her head and a policeman came." She looked so much like her mother when she was scolding him he had to smile, though he had no idea what he was being scolded for.

"I'm sorry I wasn't there. Let's go check on mommy shall we," he held onto Kylee and walked over to Liz. "You scared the crap out of me lady." He planted a kiss on her forehead and then moved her bangs to see the bump there. "Are you OK?"

She frowned, "I'm sorry Tyson. My cell phone got knocked off the seat when we got hit and I couldn't find it. I asked a lady to call you and tell you we were OK."

"She did but I still envisioned the worst. You have no idea how good it is to see you sitting here scowling at me. What happened?"

"I'm OK really. I didn't think I needed to come to the hospital but because I was knocked unconscious for a short time they have to test me for a concussion. I have a headache and I'm grumpy but other than that we are all OK. Kenny was a little hysterical at first but he was due for a nap so he zonked out after a few minutes and Kylee thinks the whole thing is a great adventure. She loved riding in the ambulance but honestly I'm not sure if the accident gave me the headache or if it was dragging two kids to the hospital with me."

Tyson lifted the sleeping Kenny from her arms and settled down with both kids in the chair beside her.

"I was sitting at the light on 7th Ave when a pickup came barreling up behind me to turn right at the light. I think he was just going to roll around the corner without ever stopping. He swung too wide to take the turn and rear ended us on the back passenger side. I saw him at the last second but there was nothing I could do. When he hit me my head apparently flew forward an off to the side slightly so I smacked the window. I guess it knocked me out cold. The kids were scared and crying and I think it was their crying that brought me out of it. By the time I got things figured out the police were there. Then the ambulance and here we are."

Liz laid her head back and closed her eyes. Everything would be OK now that Tyson was here. She relaxed for the first time. Tyson watched the beautiful woman with the goose egg on the side of her head resting and his insides constricted. Had the truck swerved a little more to the left things could have turned out very differently. He was well aware that he had just been granted a precious gift and as two warm bundles snuggled in his arms he held on tightly. If he had needed a wakeup call, this was it. Suddenly work and clients seemed inconsequential. The only things that mattered in his world were there beside him. He felt a sense of protectiveness and a deep, consuming love. It felt right. For the first time in months he wasn't fighting off guilt, pain or sorrow. He would always love those he lost but it was time to love those he still had, and he determined to love them with all the passion and strength of his whole being.

He closed his eyes and breathed in the smell of his babies and had a softly whispered conversation with God. "Help me be the man they deserve. Help me be the husband and father that I've been given this chance to be."

On the drive home he called his secretary and told her to cancel his appointments for the rest of the week. He was playing nurse. Liz protested, but not too loudly. Her head hurt and she was tired. He took her home and put her to bed with an aspirin and a cold compress. He fixed his specialty, macaroni and cheese and they slurped the noodles loudly, because Liz wasn't there to reprimand them.

He woke Liz up briefly to nurse Kenny before bed and as he sat and watched the two of them in bed together he realized he had a lot to be happy about. He really did. He had been through the most awful experience of his life but with his wife's help he had weathered the worst of it and he was on the road to being happy again. He smiled and it was a real smile. Not the fake one he had been using for months. This one came from deep inside and it went all the way up to his eyes. He kissed the nursing baby's head and he kissed his wife's head and then he just sat and watched for the longest time.

# Chapter 12

It took a couple of months, but after the dramatic stories of the earthquake damage had dwindled, a reporter for one of the newspapers, looking for a human interest angle, stumbled on the story of Mark and Shari. A touching scenario of a hero son sacrificing his life to be with his mom was just what the readers wanted. The reporter interviewed the firefighter that found them and began to paint a picture of a devoted son unwilling to leave his mother even at peril to his own life.

The story was still in its infant stages when the reporter first showed up at Marci's door.

She opened the door on a bright cloudless Arizona morning and the reporter introduced himself as Jacob More. Marci was stunned and then skeptical as he told her what he wanted.

"I don't think Mark would want a story in the paper about that day," she faltered. "I'm really not sure I want a story in the paper about that day. It's still a very painful memory. I hope you understand." She started to close the door.

Apparently he didn't understand. "Just a few short questions," he prodded. I already know what happened. I just want to know a little more about Mark as a person."

Marci hesitated for the briefest of seconds. That was all the reporter needed. He stepped by her and into the house. "What did Mark like to do? What were his hobbies? How long were you married?"

Marci answered the questions automatically out of politeness. Suddenly Eli, shy since his father's death, peeked his curly blond head around the corner at the stranger sitting next to his mother.

"Oh well, if that isn't the most handsome young man I've ever seen I don't know who is." the reporter wiggled his fingers at Eli. Eli darted back into the kitchen and reappeared a few minutes later with a ball for his new friend. As the reporter tossed the ball to Eli, Marci began to warm up to him. She answered his questions as they played and the love and respect she had for her husband radiated from her answers. By the time Jacob left he was giddy with anticipation of a human interest story that would have Arizona women weeping for the fallen hero who loved his mother.

After he left, Marci began to question the answers she had given. It had taken her by surprise so much she hadn't had time to prepare. Had she shared too much personal information? Had she made Mark sound perfect, when in reality he was just a man? Had she exposed her and Eli to far too much publicity? She paced with anxiety. Then she thought of Tyson. A fierce protective instinct reminded her how much she loved and respected her husband's brother and she was afraid what they would do to Tyson in painting Mark as the hero. Had she inadvertently said anything that would make Tyson look bad? She racked her brain for memories of the conversation. Immediately, she picked up the phone and called Liz and Tyson. She was hoping Liz answered. No such luck. Tyson was home for lunch. He answered on the 2nd ring.

"Hey Marci, what's up?"

"Um Tyson. I think there's something you should know. A reporter for the paper came by here and he's writing a story on Shari and Mark. Some human interest thing, but I think he's planning on painting Mark as the hero when he tells the story. I think his name was Jason or Jacob something. I just thought you should know."

Tyson's indrawn breath was the only response.

"Tyson, I'm so sorry if this causes you any problems. I told the reporter I didn't think Mark would like the story but he seemed to be set on it. I think he's going to write it whether we help him or not."

By now Tyson had control of his emotions. "Thanks, Marci. We'll deal with this, just like we've dealt with everything else. And Marci, Mark is a hero. He deserves to be recognized."

Marci hung up the phone more confused than ever. She didn't know how she felt about this new development. She reached for the phone and called Maddy to set up a session to talk about it.

Tyson was stunned. He put the phone down and sat thinking about the story. There was a pretty good chance that if Mark were the hero, he would be painted as a coward, or at best the selfish son. He wasn't sure how he'd handle public criticism. He wasn't joking when he told Marci he thought Mark deserved to be recognized as a hero, but where did that leave him in the story? At least with Marci's heads up phone call he'd have a chance to think about what to say to the reporter before he came over.

That night he told Liz about the phone call. Immediately, she panicked. They were just now getting to a good place and she was afraid this would set everything back. She was horrified by what the reporter might say about Tyson. In her mind he was just as much of a hero to his family for the decision he made as Mark was, but she doubted anyone else would see it that way.

She sat up in bed, "Tyson what are we going to do? Should we contact the reporter? Should we get Todd or Cami to call him up? I couldn't stand to see you dragged through the mud in this."

Tyson chuckled at her protectiveness. He pulled her back into his arms, and shoved her head onto his shoulder. "Relax, mother bear. My ego can handle a little hit. Think for a minute about what Marci's lost and how this could help Eli someday to know and understand his father a little better. If the article is well done it could end up being a good thing. I imagine the reporter will show up here eventually and I'll have an opportunity to visit with him too. Let's not borrow trouble. It may not be as negative as you think."

Liz wasn't sure but she trusted this confident man and if he was OK with the story then she would try not to worry about it either.

Tyson was right. The reporter showed up unannounced Saturday afternoon to talk to Tyson. He was playing in the yard with the kids and greeted the reporter with a big smile and an outstretched hand. They introduced themselves and then Jacob began to ask him about that day. Tyson told him what happened. He wasn't defensive or apologetic. He talked about his admiration and respect for his brother and his love for his mom. While he spoke, Kenny climbed up his leg and tried to reach into his pocket. Kylee launched her missile like body at his back end, giggling hysterically when she bounced off onto the grass.

Jacob said goodbye and walked to his car. He watched as the tall, muscled man swung one wiggling child up on each shoulder and carried them laughing into the house. He stood by his car for a long time, pondering what he'd seen and heard. He remembered the sadness in Marci's eyes and could hear again the love in her voice as she talked about her husband. The story he'd been working on was taking a little different direction than he had envisioned initially. He thought maybe he'd pay a visit to Shari's husband. For the first time he wondered if the hero brother had made the right decision.

The story ran on the front page of the inside section a couple of weeks later. It was an instant sensation. Jacob had titled the piece "A Son's Love" and had tried to tell the story with clarity and compassion. Surprisingly, he found that he didn't have to elaborate or exaggerate anything. The story was a genuine story of a family that loved each other deeply and was willing to make any sacrifice necessary for that love. Mark was unquestionably the hero, but Tyson was portrayed as a caring, thoughtful son who made a different decision based on love of family as well. The article included quotes from Todd, Marci, Tyson and friends and colleagues of Mark's. Jacob had even spoken to the waitress who served the threesome that day in the restaurant. There were pictures of the family and at the last minute Tyson had decided to send the paper the picture they had taken that day on his camera phone. A beaming Shari laughed into the camera as her two sons crowded in beside her. It was the last picture Shari and Mark had ever taken and it added an aura of reverence to the article. The story ended with a smiling picture of Mark with his arm draped around Marci and Eli looking up from his daddy's arms.

By the time Jacob got into work his phone was blinking with messages. The secretary handed him another stack and told him with red rimmed eyes that it was the best story she'd ever read in the paper.

Marci opened the paper, not really knowing what to expect. Her heart tugged instantly when she saw the pictures but she focused on the story instead. She sighed with relief. It seemed like a good story to her, and it hadn't been damaging to any family member, especially Tyson. She folded up the paper and set it aside. She had no idea how much her life was about to change.

Tyson too was a little anxious about opening the paper but as he read the article he was surprisingly calm. He thought reading the events would take him back to that day and all of the pain would return, but it hadn't. He didn't know why but he felt good about things. Pride in Mark was definitely there, but for once the guilt seemed to be absent. He was hoping that somehow he had moved passed it. He wondered briefly how the public would react to the story. Would they look at him with disapproval? Would he be the subject of discussion and debate? He hoped not. For Liz's sake as much as anything, he wanted things to quiet down; but he was starting to think that he could handle anything that came his way. He wasn't however prepared for what happened over the next few days.

It took the public less than 2 days to find out where Marci lived and she woke up the next morning to yellow ribbons tied around her tree, signs of love and support in her yard and mailbox full of cards and letters. Over the next few days, the phone never stopped ringing. She didn't answer it but there were messages filling up the answering machine. Stunned, she began to open the letters. They were filled with notes of encouragement, money and stories of how Mark had inspired others to be more courageous. She sat down hard on the couch. She was touched but a little overwhelmed. Since most of them didn't require a response she just packed them up and thought she might save them someday for Eli to read. Maybe it would make growing up without a father a little less painful if the little boy knew his father was considered a hero.

The story took the city by storm. Everyone loves a hero who loves his mom. Mark's name was everywhere. A women's organization decided to host "A Son's Love" charity fun run to raise money for victims of the earthquake. Mark's picture was on posters, banners and advertisements all over the city. Marci had thought it was a good idea to raise money for the victims but she had no idea what was involved. The first time she drove downtown and saw a billboard with Mark's face smiling down at her she almost drove off the road. She pulled over and sat staring at the image for an eternity of time. After that she saw the posters everywhere. Her mailbox was constantly full and people periodically dropped by to tell her how much they admired her husband. It was crazy. Her mind was reeling. Worse of all, she had no idea how she felt about the whole thing. Her instinct was to pull back and protect Eli and shelter him from all the publicity, but it was spiraling out of control and she seemed incapable of slowing it down, much less controlling it.

Tyson had to field questions everywhere he went. Work, clients, neighbors, long lost acquaintances all seemed to want to talk about Mark and Shari. Most people were kind and considerate in their comments and questions, but once in awhile someone was deliberately cruel. Tyson tried to be gracious in answering questions, always spoke with affection of his brother and his choice and never tried to defend his own choice. The more calmly he handled rude comments the less often they arose. By the day of the race Tyson had begun to realize that he really didn't care what strangers thought. He knew and his family knew the circumstances behind his choice and that was all that really mattered.

On the day of the fun run, Tyson, Todd, Cami, Marci and the kids were all there. They sat on the stage and all 4 of the adults squirmed uncomfortably. None of them really seemed to know what was expected of them. Runners lined up for blocks. Someone said they had nearly 10,000 participants expected to run.

A loud speaker welcomed the athletes and "special guests." A booming cheer filled the air, and the announcer introduced each of Mark's family members. When Marci and Eli were introduced they stood and waved and the crowd went wild. Cheers and whistles brought a blush to her cheeks. Eli loved the attention, waving frantically and blowing kisses to the crowd.

"We're here today to celebrate love and sacrifice and family." the moderator began. "Mark is the epitome of all three of those. He is an inspiration to us all. He is a model of courage and love and dedication. A hero who selflessly gave his life trying to protect someone he loved. We are here today to celebrate that kind of love and commitment to family, to honor those that lost their lives in the tragic earthquake and raise money for those that are left behind. As we run today, let's remember our families and how fortunate we are to have people who love us." A resounding cheer filled the air and the starting gun signaled a start to the race. Everyone was clapping Marci on the back, shaking her hand and congratulating her. What they were congratulating her on she wasn't sure. A heavy knot sat in the pit of her stomach. Everyone saw Mark as a hero and celebrated his love for family but all Marci felt was bereft of her family. She wanted to scream at the announcer, "I don't want a hero, I want a husband!" No one would understand. A hero might be fun to talk about and read about and put on the banners but a hero didn't help much with raising a rambunctious 1 year old and a hero didn't hold you in his arms and kiss away the tears. Women looked at her in awe and envy. She was the wife of a hero, but she wanted no part of any of it. She just wanted her husband back.

As waves of runners passed the stage, Marci saw Todd wave at them from the center of the pack. She waved back and decided to make a quick exit. On the way down she passed Tyson and Liz lacing up their running shoes. She watched silently as they put Kenny and Kylee in strollers and unobtrusively slipped in among the pack of runners.

# Chapter 13

About six months after the accident Todd decided to do something with the enormous insurance settlement. What would be the best idea? Donate it? Possibly. Give it to the kids? Marci had an insurance check and Tyson would never want a penny. Was it blood money? Todd pushed his fingers into his closed eyes and pressed hard. There was too much to think about. Maybe he should just do something in Shari's name like a scholarship or grant or something. As was his nature and habit, he decided to make a list and try to figure out what he wanted to do with the money. As he wrote down the options he found himself including a couple that surprised him. Where did "motorcycle" come from? What about "camper trailer" and "travel"? Yet, the more he looked at the list the more appeal the new additions had to him. He could spend a little and still have a tremendous amount to donate. He couldn't help but smile at the idea of spending vacations traveling the back roads in a camper trailer with Hershey, hiking, biking and fishing mountain streams. Shari had been unable to do much physically for awhile and as he pondered, he realized how much he'd missed those things. He'd love to see some of the remote wilderness areas of the country that he'd heard about over the years. The smile got even bigger when he thought about a big Harley Davidson motorcycle. Shari hated those "murdercycles" and even though he loved to ride he had deferred to her concerns for years. Now, maybe it was time to try something he had always wanted to do. It crossed his mind briefly that perhaps he was still a little angry with Shari for dying and leaving him alone and that was one reason he wanted to get a motorcycle even though he knew she'd disapprove. But he dismissed the thought, mostly because he didn't want to deal with it. What he did want to think about was what kind of motorcycle to buy. A Harley was at the top of the list, but a bullet bike (or crotch rocket as his boys called them) was a little tempting too. He couldn't decide but he could sure have fun test driving them to help the process speed along. Todd put away the finances and for the first time in a long time he fell asleep with a smile on his face.

Early Saturday morning Todd was at the dealership. Phoenix had some motorcycle dealerships that were huge. There were acres and acres of rumbling, racing street fury. His palms were as sweaty as a teenage boy getting his first car as soon as he stepped on the lot. He stood there a moment and savored the feeling of being excited about something. It has been too long and it was a feeling he had missed. He hadn't walked around for more than 5 minutes when a salesman came up to help him. That was alright with Todd. He wanted all the information he could get. He'd probably only buy one of these once in his lifetime and he wanted it to be the right one. If that meant lots of test driving-so be it.

Todd started with an enormous Honda Goldwing that had all of the bells and whistles. Yes, it cost nearly as much as his SUV but then again it had at least as many options. It was comfortable, roomy and handled beautifully but it didn't feel like him. He took a spin on a Yamaha bullet bike with tremendous power and muscle but honestly, he couldn't possibly stay in that position for hours of riding at a time. His eyes kept darting back to the Harleys and after test driving both the Super Low and the V-Rod Muscle, he decided on the Fat Boy. It just tore up the road with attitude and he loved the laid back riding position and style. Todd picked out a silver Fat Boy, paid cash for it and called Tyson to come by and pick up his SUV later that day. He bought a helmet, straddled the wide leather seat and he was in love.

The feeling of the wind in his face, the motor rumbling against his thighs and the power in his hands was cathartic and as he rode he felt the tension drain slowly from his shoulders. Todd was a good driver, safe and courteous until he got on an old abandoned highway parallel to the interstate. By now the bike felt comfortable and he opened up the throttle and felt the engine kick into life. He leaned into turns, slightly at first, and then more aggressively. He didn't realize how wide his smile was until a bug smashed against his front teeth. It made him laugh out loud, and try to keep his mouth closed. The first laugh morphed into a hum and before long he was talking to himself as he rode. He talked about how good it felt to be out on the road, how much he missed Shari, how much responsibility he felt to help the kids and his inability to make decisions about his future. Todd may never have been one to sit on a psychiatrist's couch and discuss his fears and anxieties, but out on the road, where he was alone, he opened up. He talked his way through every problem, possible solution and ramification he could think of. He was on the road for hours. He stopped at a diner for lunch and felt like a big bad motorcycle dude with his windblown hair, cycle boots and leather jacket. He rode back towards home facing the sunset and voiced a thought that surprised him, "Maybe I can be happy again. A different kind of happy."

The only drawback to the long bike rides was Hershey. He went into a full-scale pout when Todd put on his leather jacket and gloves and pulled the bike out. For the first few days he would follow Todd out to the garage and jump and bark and race around the cycle, but after awhile he realized he wasn't going along and he turned his back and pouted. Todd thought it was funny, but he started thinking about taking Hershey along. Maybe he could get a sidecar. What would he do with Hershey when he stopped at stores or restaurants? As he rode that day he remembered that he had also considered a camper trailer. Hershey would love camping, fishing and boating. The motorcycle had captured his attention so well he forgot about the other plans. The more he planned, the more excited he got. Suddenly he remembered how Shari used to love to go shopping and buy something new whenever she was feeling down. She claimed it perked her up to buy things. Todd had thought it seemed ridiculous at the time but now he found himself itching to buy something new and experience that temporary high again. Maybe he was turning into a shopping addict. He would definitely have to keep an eye on himself. Right after this next purchase.

Todd spent nearly a month finding the perfect camping trailer. If shopping brought a temporary rush then he would extend it for as long as he could. The more he learned, the more he knew exactly what he wanted. He wanted something not too big, but with enough beds to take the grand kids out a few at a time as they got older. He was sure he wanted a toilet and a shower and a little cook stove. He wanted one big comfortable bed and a few smaller beds. He wanted to be able to pull it with his truck easily over any terrain and park beside a river, on a rocky hilltop or on a sandy shore. He searched the internet shopping for what he wanted and then rented a few for the weekend to check them out. In the end, he decided on a deluxe pop up tent trailer with big Baja tires for off road camping, and a skylight in the top so he could see the stars at night. He added an air conditioner and heating unit on the top but left room for a rack to hold his kayak in case he wanted to take that along too. The bed in the trailer had an extra 2 inch foam mattress and a retracting awning for the porch so he and Hershey could sit outside by the fire in the evenings.

The kids were supportive of his purchases. Tyson was a little jealous of the motorcycle but he came over occasionally and took it out for long rides. The grand kids especially loved the camper trailer. It looked like a little play house to them and Kylee made Grandpa promise to take them out camping as soon as she had her 4th birthday. It would be just the two of them and a long weekend of camping, star gazing and throwing rocks in the creek. Todd smiled at the very idea. One by one he would take his grand kids out and get to know them on a personal basis. Together they could shop for the food they would eat, get their fishing licenses, and pack the trailer. In the mountains, they would roast marsh mellows, look at the stars together in their telescope and spend their days fishing, playing in the river and hiking along the shores. He knew that his relationship to the kids would be even more important now that he was the only grandparent. He'd make Shari proud of the grandparent he could become. Without warning or forethought Todd suddenly felt the warmth of her smile bathe him in joy. The feeling surprised him and he knew that Shari was pleased with his efforts.

His first outing in the camper brought a contentment Todd hadn't felt in months. Friday after work he hauled the camper to nearby Canyon Lake and camped on the grassy shore. Hershey dragged him around the lake on a short run and then ran around frantically barking at the tiny waves that licked the shore line. It made Todd smile just to watch him. He started some coals for a barbecue and then sat quietly watching the sun slip slowly into the horizon over the lake. Now that Shari was gone life just seemed to have slowed down. Half the time he felt like he was moving in slow motion and he was ok with it. There were so many fewer things he felt like he needed to get done. He would finally take the time to really enjoy each sunset and the breathtaking views around him.

Todd barbecued a Rib eye and tossed the edges to Hershey. He poured a drink and settled in to listen to the night sounds around him and eat his dinner. Yes, it was peaceful but it was lonely. Like an uninvited ant at the picnic, the loneliness marched in as soon as he lowered his guard and started to feel content. He wondered if he'd ever not be lonely again. Sometimes, like this evening in the dark it smothered him but thinking back he realized that it was always there, just hovering in his conscious, dampening everything he did and constantly wearing him down. Tonight he was drained from the effort to keep it at bay. He let it wash over him. He was so tired of being strong and trying to control his emotions. Out here, on the lake shore, he could cry if he wanted and no one would ever know. He was completely and utterly alone.

Todd let his mind roll over some of his favorite memories of times with Shari. There were some memories he replayed often of her laugh or her smile or something fun they had done together, but there were other memories that still brought too much pain. Those were the memories he tucked away and refused to relive. Tonight however, he was already feeling pain so he decided to indulge himself. He sat on the chair, facing the dark lake and laid his head back. The night sky was black and stars began to emerge brightly one at a time. He closed his eyes and let his mind wander. He thought of Shari sitting beside him on the couch after an especially long day. She took his tired, aching foot in her hand and untied the laces on his shoes. She peeled off his sock and unscrewed the lid on warm vanilla sugar body butter. With her small hands she worked the tired muscles of each foot until he began to relax. She ran her hands up and down his big feet, his calves and across his dry heels. It was heavenly and Todd remembered the feeling with a sliver of pleasure.

He sighed as he remembered the time Shari read about a hotel that offered morning wake up massages. The next weekend Shari woke up early and kissed his closed eyelid. She whispered to him, "I left your phone beside the bed, call me as soon as you wake up." He had called, his voice still groggy from sleep, just to see what she was up to. Shari had come up the stairs a few minutes later with a crock of warm, scented oil. She started at his shoulders and massaged her way down his back and to his sheet-entangled feet. It was the most deliciously leisure wake up of his life and now, sitting on the lake shore in the quiet darkness, he sighed longingly at the memory. Those were the memories he cherished the most, the ones that hurt the deepest. Quiet, thoughtful little moments that showed him how much his wife really had loved him. She had loved making him happy. It was as simple as that, and the thought that he would never experience that tenderness again was too daunting to consider. The thoughts still brought a pain and longing that caused a physical ache somewhere in his midsection.

Todd sat for a long time watching the stars come out. He talked to Shari, even though he knew it was weird. No one was around to hear him and he missed talking to her almost as much as her physical presence. "You would have loved this lake Shari. It's gorgeous and peaceful and a person can feel far away from the world out here. I miss you. I wish it could have been me instead of you. I don't know what to do with myself without you. Hell, I don't even know who I am without you." The melancholy mood was diffused slightly as Todd realized he sounded like a petulant little boy who was being deprived of a candy he wanted. There was a little bit of a pouty whine in his voice. Shari would have teased a smile out of him for that one. He wondered if she could see him now. He wondered if she had any influence over his life, and he wondered if she was missing him as much as he was missing her.

Todd doused the camp fire and invited Hershey in for the night. He lay in bed staring out the skylight at the night sky for a long time, trying to figure out how to live and enjoy life when everything he tried to enjoy brought painful realization of how much Shari would have enjoyed it too. Can a person just ignore the giant hole left in their heart? He was so tired of trying. He faded off into an exhausted sleep about 2am.

The new day brought new perspective and Hershey's enthusiasm was contagious. He bound in and out of the lake shore while Todd readied the kayak. There was just barely enough room in the opening for Hershey to sit on his haunches and Todd to stretch his legs out beside the squirming dog. They paddled along the 1000 foot cliffs amid the silence of the morning. It was still too cold for skiers or jet skis to be out on the lake so they had the water to themselves. Occasional fishermen hailed them from the shoreline and birds dived into the water in search of breakfast. Being out on the water, slowly cutting through the blue glass around him, Todd began to relax. The contentment eased over him like a warm sweater gradually enveloping him and he began to feel like he just might be ok.

By Monday morning Todd was refreshed and ready to face another week. He was so caught up in the project at work that he was totally blindsided by his anniversary on Thursday. In the back of his mind he knew it was coming and he knew he might have a hard time when the day arrived but with a "why borrow trouble" attitude he decided not to worry about it until it actually happened. He didn't really think there was much he could do to alleviate the pain anyway. Thursday he woke up late, missed his morning run and headed in to work with a perplexing problem on his mind. It wasn't until a little after noon when someone needed him to sign some forms and he had to stop and think about the date he was writing that Todd actually realized the significance of the date. The realization stopped him in his tracks and his pen paused in the middle of his signature. A wall of sadness and pain slammed into him and he sat down hard on the desk chair. 35 years ago today he had married his sweetheart in a simple, quiet little ceremony surrounded by friends and family. Now she was gone. For 35 years he had been part of a couple and now he was alone. They would never toast their marriage again, laugh at the secret memories only the two of them shared, or walk hand in hand. Pinpricks of pain stabbed at the back of his eyes and he knew he had to get out of the office. He flipped off his light and just walked out the door. He didn't say a word to anyone or stop to tell anyone where he was going. He just started walking, and when he got to the parking lot he was almost running. He didn't know where he'd go; he just knew he couldn't be around people right now.

He got in the truck and started driving, headed north. A love song was on the radio so he changed the channel. Tears of self pity, for all the anniversaries they would never again share, gathered in his eyes and made a slow salty trail down his cheeks. He ignored them and let his mind contemplate all of the things he would miss most about never having another anniversary with her. They had teased each other for years about how sweet their 50th anniversary would be when they were shuffling slowly along, hard of hearing and talking louder to make up for it. Now they would never see that 50th anniversary. Todd coughed to hide the escaping sob. Shari had of course loved anniversaries. She was always doing something to remind him of how lucky he was to be married to her. One year she filled his truck cab with the balloons. Another year she rented a convertible for the weekend to surprise him. They had spent more romantic getaways in Phoenix and the surrounding cities than they could even count. They usually tried to find breathtaking views, balconies, huge glass windows and a big hot tub under the stars. Every year had a special memory. Todd smiled as he remembered how he had surprised her for their 20th with a once-in-a-lifetime trip to a Sandals couples resort. Their week had been incredible, and unforgettable. So many anniversary memories crowded into his conscious he couldn't keep them all straight.

He pounded the steering wheel in anger and frustration. Was the pain ever really going to be gone? Would he ever really stop hurting? Just when he thought he had found a place of contentment something like his blindsided him and sent him reeling back into the pit of pain. He kept driving, with no destination in mind. Passed the city limits, towards the mountains he rolled down the window for some fresh air. Still his mind ran over and over the precious moments of 35 years together. When the wind on his face turned colder he knew he was up in the high country. He pulled into a campground and got out of the truck to take a walk. The brisk walk turned into a run across the lightly snow covered ground and before long Todd was bent over and breathing heavy. This was higher altitude and the emotion of the day had left him drained.

He spent the afternoon walking along snow covered trails. The air was brisk but the sun was out so as long as he kept walking he was never too cold. He was in no hurry to get back to his lonely house tonight. He walked and thought and remembered for hours. As it always had, time began to heal the hurt. Instead of focusing on all the past anniversaries that would never be repeated, he began to focus on all the past anniversaries and how fortunate they were to have shared so many with each other. In his experience he had known so few people who shared the joy that he and his wife had over the years. That joy was something worth celebrating, and he was trying really hard to find joy in one of the most difficult days he had encountered since the funeral. It came in little flashes and hints of a smile but the memories were so sweet to him that he let them permeate the sadness and cocoon him in peace. The pain wasn't gone but it was in a better place of perspective by the time he got in the truck and headed back towards Phoenix. He stopped at a diner that advertised the "world's best pies" and grabbed a bite to eat on the way into town and then started mulling over the idea of a movie tonight. He needed a movie with such an intense plot and so much action that it would require all of his mental skills and he wouldn't have time to think about anything else.

He pulled into town and drove directly to the theater. When he checked the shows and times he found a high energy thriller that looked like it would monopolize his thoughts. He had about 30 minutes until it started so he wandered around the mall and bought a few gifts for his grand kids. He hadn't been to a movie in longer than he could remember. Shari didn't really like to go and they had usually found other things they would rather do. As he settled in to watch the movie with a large popcorn and drink he turned his cell phone off. When the credits started the theatre surround sound nearly lifted him out of his chair. Something in the back of his mind kept nagging at him but he was tired of thinking so he gave himself over totally to the movie and tried to chase out all other thoughts.

Two hours later, Todd was exhilarated and reliving the plot in his mind as he drove home. It felt good to be completely distracted. He flipped on his phone and saw that he had several missed calls, mostly from his kids. He called back Cami and she was a little frantic.

"Dad, I was so worried when I couldn't get a hold of you. I called to wish you a happy anniversary but when you didn't answer I started to panic."

Todd felt a sliver of guilt. He hadn't stopped to think about how Cami would feel when she couldn't reach him. He should have known she would try to call and check on him on this day in particular. "Sorry honey, it was a little rougher than I expected and it caught me off guard a little. I went for a drive and then decided to see a movie."

"Oh, that explains the long silence," she sighed with relief, "I know I'm overreacting to not being able to reach you but I'm still a little edgy from the last several months. It's so hard not to be there with you and see how everyone is dealing with things. Sometimes I think I'm a little bit crazy."

Todd laughed at her, "You're not crazy hon, and you have the right to be a little paranoid about losing a loved one. It takes a long time to get back to normal after a shock like we've had." The words offered him as much comfort as they did Cami.

"Are you doing ok dad?" she asked sincerely.

"Like I said, I was a little blindsided by the emotion of the day but I've had time to work it out and I'm trying to focus on the positive aspects of having spent 35 years with someone like your mother."

"She was pretty incredible wasn't she?" Cami supplied.

"Yeah, she was and not a minute of any day goes by that I don't miss her, but for the most part the pain is lessening and the memories are getting sweeter. How are you doing?"

"I pick up the phone to call her a few times a week still and sometimes when I just need a friend I sit and cry that she's not here to help. Isn't that selfish of me? I think about how much harder my life is without my mom in it. But I am finding that I'm drawing closer to Sean and things I would have shared with mom I share with him now." Cami laughed, "I'm not sure he would say that is such a good thing but it's made us closer I think. I'm also making more new friends and I find I make a conscious effort to try and be a better person. Almost as if mom is watching me and I don't want to disappoint her. Isn't that weird?"

"No Cami, it's not weird," Todd's voice was reassuring. "I think it's a touching tribute to your mother that you are still trying not to disappoint her even after she's gone. You're a good person Cami. I know your mother is so proud of the wife and mother you've become."

He heard the hiccup in her voice. It was still a little shaky when she answered. "Thanks daddy. That means a lot to me. I'm sorry I wasn't there to share the anniversary with you. I love you"

"I love you too Princess and don't worry. We're going to be ok." He said it with more confidence than he felt and hung up the phone relieved to be done talking about feelings.

Tyson called to check in with him and the conversation went about the same way. Todd was impressed with how thoughtful his kids were. The love of family made everything so much easier. He was just getting ready to retire for the night when he got a quick call from Marci checking in to see how he had weathered his anniversary. Her voice was quiet and small and the conversation stilted after a few short questions and answers. Something wasn't quite right but he couldn't put his finger on it. Again the nagging impression that he was missing something pressed on his mind. It was the end of a very long day and he wanted nothing more than to wrap a pillow around his head and end the day in a deep, dreamless sleep. He was out before his head hit the pillow.

# Chapter 14

Marci sat in Maddy's office and played with the edge of the fabric cover on the chair. She wasn't sure if she was delaying an answer or if she just didn't have one. Maddy wanted to know what she was doing about weaning Eli. He was old enough now to drink from a cup, got plenty of nutrition from the food he ate and was independently pulling away from his mother as he became more and more of a toddling bundle of energy. But Marci wasn't sure she was ready to give up the bonding she got from their shared time together. Maddy thought Marci might not be faring so well in her battle against depression so she wanted to recommend an anti anxiety medicine. She dared not do it if Marci was still nursing Eli. Maddy looked intensely at Marci, waiting for an answer. She was disciplined enough not to let it show in her face or in her voice, but she was seriously concerned about Marci's mental state.

Both women replayed in their minds the events of the past few months. Marci wasn't sleeping. She collapsed in a sleep-deprived state onto the bed at night but then woke up nearly every morning before 3 am. When she did sleep it was restless, she often woke up sweating, and she tossed all over the bed. During the day she lacked direction, initiative and interest in any of the things she had previously enjoyed.

Everyone else seemed to be healing and moving on but Marci felt like she took 2 steps backward for every step forward she progressed. It wasn't just the projects that she started and never had the desire or initiative to finish; it was the dangerously stupid things she was doing that had both women genuinely concerned. Marci had shared the basics with Maddy of how mental lapses left her using poor judgment that could lead to dangerous circumstances. Once, after buckling Eli into the car seat to run some errands, Marci put the car in gear and began to back out of the garage. She never raised the garage door. Fortunately, she was just getting the car started so she merely bounced off of the heavy wooden door, denting both the car and the garage door. It shook her that she had done something so dumb. In the past few weeks, Marci had mailed an envelope to a friend and forgotten to put the card inside, she had left the water running in the backyard for nearly 24 hours before she realized she had a flood, and she had lay down to rest after nursing Eli to sleep and forgot that she left rice boiling on the stove. Her scariest moment came though at the park one day while she was sitting on the bench watching Eli play. Her mind wandered to all of the park outings her family had enjoyed when they were a whole, complete family. She pictured her and Mark laughing while baby Eli sat on Mark's lap and slid down the slide, or while she held one arm around Eli on the swing while Mark gently pushed them. She was daydreaming and didn't see Eli wander off of the playground. A concerned mother close by jarred her out of her musings and pointed towards Eli. By the time she got to Eli, Marci was in a full blown panic about her mental state. She wasn't sure she wasn't a danger to herself and others, especially Eli. Maybe she did need some anti-anxiety medicine.

Marci had explained the mental instability to Maddy and Maddy had reacted with love and concern, suggesting the medication to get things under control while they worked on sorting out the mental and emotional issues.

Marci seemed to lack the ability to make any decisions about anything so she took a sample of the Zoloft home and promised to consider weaning Eli and taking the drug.

As she prepared to leave, Marci casually mentioned that she might schedule her next appointment next week after her and Mark's anniversary passed because she knew that might be a hard day. At the words Maddy stopped in her tracks and walked over to Marci. She gently took a hold of her arm. "Marci, is your wedding anniversary this week?"

Marci merely nodded and refused to make eye contact. If she saw sympathy in Maddy's eyes she might break down and she was too tired to cry right now.

"Marci, that can be a tough event for anyone who's lost a loved one. Tell me what you have planned for the day?" Maddy questioned.

"Not much. Tyson and Liz said they'd come over and visit for awhile in the morning and then I thought I'd just play with Eli and go to bed early. I think I'll be ok" She said the words with little conviction.

Maddy wasn't convinced. "Tell me what day the anniversary is and I'm scheduling a visit for you that afternoon. After Tyson and Liz leave I want you to come by and check in with me. We don't have to visit for long but I want to see for myself that you are coping well." Maddy wrote out the appointment on a small card and handed it to Marci.

"Thanks Maddy, you're a good friend," Marci tried to smile confidently but it looked a little lopsided.

Marci picked Eli up from the sitter on the way home and made lunch. She tried putting him down for a nap without nursing him to sleep but he would have none of it. She decided that she would slowly cut out one feeding during the day and work up to weaning him. Her heart rate slowed as she made the decision. She didn't want anything to change, and yet she knew she needed something to help her climb out of the hole she seemed to be sinking deeper into.

Two days later, Marci woke early to a black cloud of dread. She had anticipated trouble dealing with the anniversary and had tried to prepare herself mentally but she was still blindsided by the intensity of the emotions she was feeling. The night before she had called Todd to see how he had handled his first anniversary alone and he sounded strong and confident. The conversation left her feeling even more pathetic and inadequate.

She still had hours before Eli woke for the day so she wandered aimlessly around the house picking things up and putting them away. She made some snacks for Tyson and Liz's visit later and did a load of laundry. Eli woke up grumpy and the morning was spent getting him to cooperate enough to eat breakfast, get dressed and put away his toys.

Tyson's visit was gratefully received. He and Liz and the kids showed up about 11 am and they sat on the floor and visited while the kids played. Eli was still grumpy and Marci had to apologize as he stole a toy from Kenny and threw a book at Kylee. He was sitting in the time out chair within 15minutes of their arrival. He was undoubtedly only reacting to his mother's distress but Marci's already frayed nerves were at the breaking point. Marci was touched that Tyson would take off from work and come over on his lunch hour to check on her and spend a little time with them, but the conversation was slow moving and not natural. Everyone was avoiding the elephant in the room. Tyson and Liz, not wanting to cause any pain, waited to see if Marci wanted to talk about Mark, their anniversary or her feelings. Marci didn't want to burden anyone, and frankly she wasn't sure if she wanted to talk about Mark today or not. It just seemed easier to push everything aside and not deal with any of it.

Tyson and Liz followed her lead and prepared to leave after about an hour. Liz visited with Marci while Tyson wrestled with the kids and gave them all a horsey back ride, bucking and neighing while Eli held onto his hair, and Kylee held onto Eli. He squealed with delight when his uncle Tyson threw him in the air and Liz look on affectionately. They were both engaged and couldn't see Marci's face or they would have seen the pain emerge. Tyson and Mark were raised in the same home by the same father. These were the games Mark used to play with Eli. Memories of Mark galloping slowly along the carpet with Eli's pajama clad legs spread out across his back and the two of them rolling around the floor in a mock wrestling match swam through her thoughts. Like the pain that spreads slowly up your limb when you stub your toe, the pain of her loss spread slowly from the knot in her stomach to the black hole where her heart used to be. Eli was having the time of his life, but Marci was fighting back sobs.

After they left Eli was too wound up to take a nap and Marci was too distraught to force it. She fed him lunch and sat him down with a book and some toys. As long as she was feeling so much pain she might as well relive all of the precious memories that she had been avoiding for fear of the pain. A part of her wanted desperately to relive their wedding day in her mind and a part of her knew it was a bad idea. She reached for the wedding album and the box of keepsakes and sat on the couch beside Eli.

As she opened the album the carefree couple laughed up at her. She studied her favorites long and hard. One was of her with her back against a gnarled old tree. Mark had his hand on the tree behind her and he was leaning in looking down at her upturned face. They looked so much in love and so oblivious of the pain that love would later cause. Another favorite photo showed her looking down with her eyes gently closed. Mark was lightly placing a kiss on her forehead with a look of adoration and reverence. How could she ever have believed such happiness could last forever? Tears clouded her vision as she turned through pages of their families with Shari grinning ear to ear in her sparkling mother of the groom dress and Mark lifting Marci up with her dress cascading down around them. The last photo in the book was with the sunset in the background as they made their way toward the evening reception. With one arm around Marci's shoulders, Mark's other arm did a fist pump of victory in the air. It seemed a life time ago now. Marci curled up on the couch and let the tears flow. Eli climbed up and squirmed his way into his mother's embrace, trying in his little toddler way to offer much needed comfort. He promptly fell asleep and she carried him into his crib.

Marci heard the phone ring but she was retreating so much inside of herself by this point that she purposely ignored it. It seemed to her that no one else in the world existed. She felt alone and consumed with her own pain.

As she rifled listlessly through the box of mementos she carefully laid aside a dried flower corsage, a faded garter and a cake service set with their names engraved on the handle. She ran her hand tenderly over the engraving, then set down. Her eyes landed on the sheet music of the song Mark had played and sang for her at their reception. It was an original funny little ditty about the two of them being literally stuck together forever. She smiled a slow shaky smile. She hadn't heard the tune in a year. Mark always played it and sang it to her on their anniversary. Without thinking it through clearly she walked over to the grand piano in the living room and lifted the lid. With one finger she plunked out the tune. Like a swarm the memories assaulted her and like the bees inside the swarm each memory brought a biting, stinging pain to her weary heart. She hadn't touched the piano in months, since the accident. The instrument they both loved was their bond, their gift to each other and countless expressions of love.

She could so clearly see Mark smiling on the piano as he pounded out a show tune and sang along as she made dinner. Eli, bouncing up and down to the music as his daddy sang him "Bad bad Leroy Brown" complete with the piano run in the chorus. Mark's big hands played beautifully and he could pound out rock songs with the same skill he could gently caress the keys into a classical piece. Most of all, Marci missed the evenings when the two of them would sing together. They picked up library books of love songs from the 70's, swing songs from the 50's or duets from the great musicals. Both of them had strong voices, and strong piano skills. They could sing and play together for hours, often alternating the male and female parts of the duets until they doubled over in laughter. She had never dreamed marriage could be so much fun. Mark was her other half and like the puzzle that has only one match in the world she knew she'd never find another persona to fit her so completely.

Marci ran her hands over the keys in a sad little melody and then as the pain began to grow inside of her so did the notes. She pounded the keys in frustration, hurt and anger. There was no melody and no tune, just pain and loneliness. There would never be another anniversary, never another love song or duet. There would never be another time to stand behind him and watch his fingers on the keys and listen to his clear baritone. It was all too much and Marci needed an escape. She wanted to run from the house and all of the memories but Eli was there sleeping. She wanted to jump off of a high mountain into a cloud bank and just cease existing. Her eyes fell on the purse she had dropped onto the couch earlier that day. She could clearly see the bottle of anti-anxiety medicine that Maddy had given her. That would offer relief. Just a little relief for a little while was all she needed. A break from the pain would be so nice. Without reading the dosage she opened the bottle and looked at the tiny pills. As the pain clouded her mind she wondered if maybe the relief didn't have to be so temporary after all.

After missing his run on Todd's anniversary, Hershey was a ballistic missile of energy the next morning. Todd could just barely keep up with him as he pulled at the leash and ran with his tongue hanging out. After a quick shower and breakfast on the run Todd got to work early and started in on the problem he had left percolating the day before. He determined to work extra hard long hours today as the guilt for leaving his coworkers in a lurch the day before nagged at him. When he got involved in solving a problem he worked with single minded intensity, stopping only to grab a sandwich from the cafeteria while he studied some code. Most of his friends and family knew that about Todd and for that reason his phone rarely rung during office hours. If someone called it was usually important. That's why it was unusual when his phone rang a little before 5 that evening. Todd didn't recognize the number but took it anyway. The caller identified herself as Maddy Hutchins, and explained that she was a therapist working with his daughter in law Marci. Marci had missed her appointment that day with Maddy and hadn't answered her phone when Maddy called to check on her. Normally, the therapist would have let it go at that but she knew that this was Marci's wedding anniversary, the whole reason they had set up a counseling session for the day, and Maddy was concerned that something might be wrong.

Warning bells sounded in Todd's mind. How could he have forgotten? Mark and Marci had chosen the day after his and Shari's wedding anniversary to exchange their vows. Shari had always thought it was touching and planned to spend anniversary getaways together in the coming years. Todd however could barely remember his own anniversary and this one had been so surprisingly traumatic that he had completely forgotten Marci and Mark's.

He thanked the therapist, dropped what he was working on and headed out the door. For the second time in two days he found himself running for the truck in the parking lot. He speed dialed Marci and got no answer so he speed dialed Tyson. He picked up on the first ring.

"Tyson, have you or Liz seen or heard from Marci today?" he asked.

"Yeah, Liz remembered that it was their anniversary so she and the kids came and got me for lunch and we took a pizza over to her house and played with her and Eli for an hour or so. Why, is anything wrong?"

Todd's heart rate began to return to normal. "Probably not, I just got a call from her therapist and Marci missed her counseling session today and she hasn't been able to get a hold of her. I think I'll swing by her house now and make sure everything is ok. I imagine the anniversary is harder on her than we bargained for. I know it threw me for a loop yesterday. I'll let you know after I visit with her." Todd hung up and steered the truck towards Marci's house.

As he drove, the nagging feeling that something was wrong returned. He chased it away, reminding himself that Tyson and Liz had seen her just a few hours earlier. Todd squeezed the steering wheel in frustration. He should have known after how hard the anniversary hit him that it would be worse for Marci. She was still so emotionally fragile. Tyson and Cami had lost a brother and their mother but it wasn't the same as losing a spouse. Todd should have been the one to see how potential devastating the anniversary could be. His pulse was racing and his emotions in overdrive again as he pulled into her driveway. He jumped out of the truck and pounded on the front door, realizing that if she was sitting in the living room he probably just scared her to death.

No answer. He waited a minute and rung the doorbell repeatedly, shifting from foot to foot impatiently as he waited. He stepped over to the garage and peered into the tiny window at the top. Her car was sitting behind the door where it belonged. Fighting down panic he rounded the gate and headed for the back yard. Maybe they were outside playing. There was no sign of Marci or Eli and the lights in the house were left on. Suddenly, Todd knew with certainty there was a problem. The nagging impression when he'd spoken to her the night before and his own battle with the day confirmed his fears and he picked up a rock and broke a small glass window in the back door. He reached in, turned the lock and called out her name. He didn't want to terrify her if she had just been resting or listening to headphones or something.

He did a quick check of the living room and kitchen and then heard a faint sound coming from the bedroom. He recognized the music as a song Mark had written on the piano for their wedding, and he started to run.

He found Marci curled in the fetal position on the floor of their walk-in closet. She was wrapped in Mark's leather jacket and her iPod repeatedly played the love song over and over beside her. She was unconscious and he could detect only a faint pulse at the base of her throat. She couldn't have been unconscious for long because her cheeks were still damp with tears. He picked her up and carried her to the bed. When had she gotten so small and frail? Immediately he dialed 911 and asked for an ambulance to hurry. Panic started to set in as he thought about her dying. He mentally stopped the thoughts and concentrated on keeping his emotions under control. His voice was surprisingly calm as he spoke to the operator and told her what he had found.

The operator dispatched an ambulance and then began to walk Todd through life saving techniques with Marci. He opened up her airways, checked her heart rate and pulse and then searched the area for what she might have taken.

He found the anti-anxiety prescription medicine bottle for Zoloft on the floor. It was empty so he had no idea how many she had taken. He told the dispatcher and waited for further instructions. It seemed to him that Marci's breathing was getting more and more shallow. She hadn't stopped breathing so there was no reason to do CPR—yet. Todd sighed loudly when he heard the siren round the corner and hung up the phone. "Come on Marci, hang on. You can do this. Don't leave that little boy without a parent. Think of Eli Marci. Live for Eli." And then the paramedics were there and they brushed him out of the way. He left them briefly to try and find Eli. By now it had to be about 6:00 in the evening. He checked Eli's room and sure enough there he was. He was sleeping soundly in his bed, oblivious to the noise and commotion around him. Todd speed dialed Tyson and Liz because they lived the closest and then Marci's family. He stayed with Eli until the others got there and then they all rode to the hospital together.

A couple of hours later the whole group sat agitated in the waiting room. They hadn't heard a word from anyone since Marci had been taken back. Mentally, each of them tried to prepare themselves for the worst. Marci's mother cried quietly and each of the others sat contemplating what they should have seen or done differently. Tyson and Liz took it especially hard since they had spent the afternoon with Marci and should have seen her state of mind.

After an eternity a doctor came out and asked for her family. Each of them filed into a corner of the room and waited to hear what he had to say.

"Well, you arrived in time," he started. "She's going to make it." Marci's mother sobbed loudly and they could feel the cloud of relief descend on the little group.

"She took an overdose of Zoloft, just as you suspected and we pumped it out of her stomach before it could do too much damage. Rarely do people die from an overdose of an anti-anxiety medication like Zoloft but it has been known to happen. She will be groggy, lethargic and unfocused for several days, but we are past the worst of the fear. Unfortunately, this was an intentional incident and the real danger lies in her desire to end her life. That's something you will have to deal with. Give her a few minutes to get oriented and then you can see her. Just a few of you at a time"

They nodded numbly and collapsed into chairs in the waiting room. Only now, when she was past the danger did they feel safe in letting out a long, deep breath. Liz was the first to ask the question they all wanted answered. "Why would she do that? Why when she knew she had Eli to care for and she would leave him without a parent? I can't imagine her thought process."

Liz's question reminded Todd of his phone call from the therapist earlier in the day. He sat up quickly, realizing he hadn't ever called back to update her on the situation. It took only seconds to redial the number she had called from and the answering machine at her office gave a cell number for emergencies. He assumed this would be considered an emergency. He dialed the number and was surprised to hear the therapist answer on the 1st ring.

He explained who he was and then thanked her, "If it hadn't been for your call, I'm not sure we would have realized there was anything wrong. It was literally a life saving call."

Maddy said a quick mental prayer of gratitude and added, "I'm so glad you got to her in time."

Todd hesitated and then asked the question they all wanted answered, "Umm, can I ask you something? Marci has always been very reasonable and rational. We can't figure out why she would do this when she knew she was the only parent Eli has left. She loves him so much. We just can't figure out how this happened, and more importantly, how to keep it from happening again."

Maddy was grateful for an opportunity to explain the dark side of depression to caring family and friends. "You're assuming Marci made a rational choice to end her life and leave Eli. With serious depression it's never that simple. She lost the ability to process consequences and could see and feel only the emotional pain she was suffering. It's almost like she had a single purpose to put an end to the consuming pain. Those left behind can't understand how the suicidal person could ever hurt them so much but what they don't realize is that it's not about anyone but them. With depression, your world gets smaller and smaller until only you exist. I saw it happening with Marci but when someone lives alone it's hard to predict when and how it will progress to suicide."

Todd was trying to process it enough to explain it to the others. "How should we handle things now? It's almost time for us to go in and see her for the first time since I found her."

Maddy was adamant and reassuring, "Don't skirt the issue or try to avoid it. Come right out and talk to her about it. She is weak now and needs you to be strong. Don't let her off the hook for this or try to make her feel better. She has to take responsibility if she is ever going to be empowered to make changes. She's going to need the strength of all of you combined."

Todd relayed the information to the rest of the group and sat down to rest. He put his head in his hands and shook it sadly. Sometimes it was just too hard to be the patriarch of a family. He was so tired and so out of ideas. His poor little family had been through so much. He wasn't sure they had anything left to fight with. He felt Tyson's strong hand on his shoulder and he looked up into understanding eyes.

"It's alright dad. We can do this. Let's just handle it the way Mark would have. He was kind and caring but also honest and straight forward. This is Mark's family. We can't give up."

Tyson was right. Eli's tired little eyes hung heavily against Tyson's chest as he struggled to stay awake. This was Mark's family and even if there was no strength left, they had to dig a little deeper and find some.

After Marci's parents came out of her room, Todd's family filed in to see her. Her eyes were closed and she looked like she was mentally preparing to face them. Todd leaned over to place a kiss on her forehead and Eli squealed, "Mommy, mommy," and reached for his mother.

Marci lifted her hands to her son, anxious for a distraction from the gaze of the others. She snuggled him down in the covers beside her and then looked up at the faces of the family who loved her. Her gaze was filled with guilt and anxiety.

"I'm sorry," her voice cracked on the words and she looked down and fumbled with the sheets.

That was all it took. She was suddenly surrounded by hugs and kisses and hair stroking as each member sought to reassure her that she was loved and valued.

"Oh Marci, please let us help you. We're so sorry we didn't see what was happening," Liz offered.

"It's not your fault. It's no one's fault. I just sort of gave up I think. I'm so tired of trying too hard and failing so much. I meant to take a few pills to take away the overwhelming sadness and then suddenly it seemed like the only way to really take away the sadness was to take a lot of pills."

"Let's work on finding ways to help you take away the sadness. We love you Marci and we can't bear to lose you. Just help us know what we can do," Liz was giving voice to the thoughts of the others.

There were tears all around now and Marci's voice was weak and watery as she asked, "Do you think Mark can see me now?"

Todd answered simply, "Yes, I think he's watching over you and Eli."

Then the toughest question from Marci, "Do you think he's disappointed in me?"

Liz and Tyson looked down uncomfortably. They thought the answer was obvious but didn't want to supply it.

Todd remembered the words of the therapist and mentally took a deep breath. His answer was compassionate but firm. "Marci, Mark loves you and he loves Eli. He would never want you to do anything to hurt yourself or Eli. This hurt you both. He would probably be pretty upset with you if he was here. I imagine he would read you the riot act and rip you a new one."

Liz and Tyson looked up to see how the news was received. Marci had a hint of a smile on her face. "You're right. He would. I can just see him pacing across the floor lecturing me and trying not to raise his voice while he scolded me."

Her comments brought chuckles from the others and a calm sense of family love settled over all of them. They had truly hit the bottom and it was time to begin healing, together, as a family.

Eli threw a fit when they took him home but he got to spend the night with Kylee and Kenny so he settled down in the portable crib and slept fairly peacefully through the night.

Marci was discharged mid day and she was tired, still a little groggy and fairly emotional. She spent the day resting and playing quietly with Eli while Liz and her sisters cleaned house, made a few freezer meals for the week and took care of Eli while she rested. At the end of the day Marci could tell they were reluctant to leave her alone.

"It's ok you guys. I promise to be good. You can leave me alone, and get back to your families," Marci smiled a tired smile as she said it.

"Why don't I just spend the night in the guest room for one night, just in case you get tired or need something in the night?" Liz offered.

"No, I think I want to be alone with Eli for awhile. But thank you anyway."

There was really nothing left for the women to do but leave her and Eli alone in the big master bed. They decided to call back in the morning and make sure everything was alright.

Marci had an appointment with Maddy for the following day. There were definitely some things she needed to work out.

After a restless night, Marci still felt wrung out and exhausted. She briefly considered canceling with Maddy again so she could spend the day just relaxing with Eli but she knew she was putting off the inevitable and she was a little afraid of this new aspect of her personality and knew she needed to explore it a little.

Maddy jumped up from behind her desk and threw her arms around Marci as soon as she walked into the room. Marci smiled sheepishly. She was reassured how much Maddy cared for her.

Maddy held her at arm's length and looked her up and down. "How are you?"

"Tired and a little disoriented but doing better. I think I'm still in a little bit of shock at my actions. I didn't really see it coming and I can't really believe I actually tried to kill myself. It's like it wasn't even really me. It's scary to me that I could do it again. I'm embarrassed, confused and even a little in denial I think. What's happening to me?" Marci sat down hard on the chair and didn't even try to be graceful.

"Those are all natural reactions Marci. First of all, you're human. You make mistakes and bad choices sometimes. This was one of those times. You were feeling overwhelmed and you let it get the best of you. You know your weaknesses and your trigger points better now and that will enable you to be better prepared the next time they hit you out of the blue like that. Let me ask you a question Marci. "Do you want to die?"

Marci only hesitated for a second. She knew the answer and she suspected that Maddy did too. "No, I don't. I don't want to leave Eli and I'm afraid of dying. But I think I'm also afraid of living."

"Living right now takes a whole lot more strength than dying Marci and you are a strong person. You've been in mourning now for over 6 months and everyone around you has tried to be encouraging and supportive. Now it's time for you to show us a little of that strength that Mark fell in love with all those years ago. It's time for you to stop doubting and start to rebuild your life. I'm sorry if you feel like I'm rushing you through the grieving process but your actions tell me that this isn't working for you. You need more of an active, aggressive approach to dealing with the loss. It's time for you to take back control of your emotions, your actions and your life."

The words were hard to hear but they rang true in Marci's heart. She knew she was merely existing and she was refusing to take any action or make any changes. She also knew that if nothing changes, nothing changes. This was no way to live and no way to raise a child. She just didn't know how to get past the roadblock of pain that paralyzed her.

"I know," Marci's head was still down. "It's just that I seem to be paralyzed about the future. How do I know what to do?"

"Well, you are an organized, efficient person so let's make a list of all the things that you can do start rebuilding a life and then we'll narrow it down to one or two things at a time that you think you might be able to handle." Maddy pulled out a notebook and pen and poised to write.

Marci stared at her with no comment. After a few moments of silence, "Am I supposed to come up with ideas?"

"Yes, you are. What do you enjoy doing that might bring you back some moments of happiness in your life? We can't expect to jump right into happiness immediately but it is not too much to ask for a few moments once in a while. What has the ability to make you smile and feel good inside?"

Marci paused. Every moment of happiness she could remember was centered on Mark and Eli. At least that's how it had seemed for the last several months. But as she reached back into her memories she could recall satisfaction and a sense of well-being and happiness from teaching piano. True, it could be frustrating and irksome with certain pupils but overall it brought a sense of accomplishment. "I like teaching piano," she said finally.

"Good. Now let's decide how to get started. Do you have a way to contact potential students?" Maddy asked.

"Yes, I've been asked for some time when I'm going to start teaching again. I think with a few phone calls I could have a few students a week. I think I'll start with only those who really want to learn and get back slowly to teaching stubborn pupils. What should I do with Eli when I teach? Mark always watched him during that time?"

"Well, you can arrange a play date with family or friends or you can look into a limited day care facility. You could teach during his nap time or hire a young girl to come in after school and play with him for a few hours." Maddy was full of ideas.

Marci realized that Maddy would keep prodding her along and coming up with solutions and suggestions. The list grew. It included travel, sewing, writing, reading, painting, yoga and occasional evenings out. Each item seemed impossible to manage until Maddy broke it down into simple steps and Marci picked a few possible ideas to try. She was feeling a little optimistic about doing something positive but also a little doubtful about her ability to actually produce any kind of forward momentum. The paralyzing fear reared its ugly head again, and she told Maddy about her inability to make any changes.

"That's normal too Marci. You're used to having someone around to help make decisions and carry out changes and now you're reluctant to do so completely on your own. The first one will be the hardest, and from there it will get easier. The first step is always the most difficult."

"I can't imagine why I'm afraid, or what I'm afraid of. I've taught before and I know I can do it. All I know is that when I start to think about making changes of any kind I start to sweat and my heart races, almost like I'm having a panic attack," the confusion showed in Marci's voice.

"Let's focus on controlling our emotions a little shall we? When you start to have one of these panic attacks what is going through your mind?" Maddy asked.

"All of the reasons I can't or all of the things that could go wrong," Marci answered simply.

"OK, here's what I want you to practice doing this week," Maddy suggested. "Every time a negative thought enters your mind I want you to pause and press stop on your mental tape recorder. Don't listen to it. Don't let it fester in your mind and don't let it take control of you. Just push stop and immediately try to replace it with positive, uplifting thoughts. Try encouraging moments of past success, expressions from friends and family and quotes of strength." Maddy gave her a few examples.

After practicing a few of her own and trying out the new idea of positive thought control Marci was gathering her belongings and preparing to leave.

"There is one more thing I wanted to ask you about Marci." Maddy stopped her. "What is your faith like?"

"What do you mean?" Marci questioned.

"I mean, do you have a faith that you turn to for strength and support? Are you religious? I find that at times of loss those who have some form of faith to hold on to weather the storm better than those who don't. You haven't mentioned anything about a church group, prayer or personal beliefs but I think you might benefit from finding a faith to anchor you as you try to make changes."

"Well, what faith should I chose?" Marci wanted to know.

Maddy laughed, "I don't know. You're an intelligent, resourceful person. Study it out and do a little research and see if there is anything that appeals to you. You might find that it offers answers as well as comfort."

For the first time in a long time, Marci had a to-do list in her hands and she was determined to cross off every item on her list before she returned to visit with Maddy again. She picked up Eli at her sisters and took him home for lunch. After she laid him down for a nap she called an acquaintance she had worked with before.

"Hi Mrs. Martin. This is Marci. I taught your daughter piano some time ago and I'm thinking about starting up again. If you know of any students who would be interested in taking lessons could you please pass my name on to them," she queried.

"Oh, I'm so pleased to hear you are teaching again. As a matter of fact, I would love to have my younger daughter start with you. I believe she has a cousin who would like to learn too. How many students are you willing to take on?" Mrs. Martin was thrilled.

Marci hung up the phone with a feeling of accomplishment. That was easier than she had dared hope. Almost immediately, the fears and reasons she shouldn't try to teach started to slip into her mind.

Before they could do any damage, Marci mentally pushed "stop" on them and replaced them with affirmations of encouragement. "You're a good teacher and you could do this with almost no mental effort. There is nothing to worry about. Eli will be better adjusted if he spends time with other kids for a few hours a week." There was no sign of the panic attacks, no sweating, no racing heart and no overwhelming feelings of dread. Maybe she could make this work.

Eli still had a lot of napping time left and Marci had a few minutes to herself so she sat down on the computer and began to research the beliefs of different religious organizations. She had loved studying religions in college and had always prided herself on her ability to thoroughly research a topic and come to logical conclusions. After comparing various beliefs she sat back and thought about what she wanted in a religion. The answer came almost without hesitation. She wanted to believe that Mark was in heaven and that they could one day be together again as a family. If a Christian religion offered no more than that she would embrace it. She pictured in her mind the beautiful place heaven must be, and a reunion with Mark in a place free from pain, suffering, death and hurt and the thought brought happiness from deep inside her soul. If there was a religion out there that taught of the heaven in her dreams she wanted to know about it, and she wanted to know as many details as possible about what it would be like. She felt just a little twinge of excitement at the prospect of searching for and finding what she was looking for.

# Chapter 15

Tyson was healing. It was slow and laced with moments of guilt, sorrow and anger, but the moments came less and less often. The situation with Marci was a wakeup call for all of them. At first he forced himself to enjoy his laughing children and he had to train himself to squash any guilt that reared its ugly head to mar his happiness. Soon it came naturally to join them in their infectious joy. They were the balm to his shredded soul. Even when they were being ornery Tyson found comfort in how normal and self centered their little worlds were. Yes, he still worked too much but Liz was good at dragging him away with tantalizing promises of adventures that waited when he got home. Whenever he got her cryptic messages he knew she was planning something to lure him home early. It was a camp out in the living room, a night trip to the zoo or a picnic on the rooftop (the kids were in bed for that one). She was trying so hard, how could he not?

It shouldn't have surprised him one Friday when all three of them showed up at his office about 2 pm. They were wearing jeans, flannel shirts and hiking boots. Kylee had on his old fishing hat and she was bouncing up and down from the moment they walked into his office.

"Well, well, well, what have we here?" Tyson leaned back in his office chair and laced his hands behind his head.

He was just about to start the guessing game with her when Kylee could contain the mystery no longer. She burst out, "We are kidnapping you! For the whole weekend. Come on daddy. Come see what we brought."

Tyson looked at his smug wife and raised both of his eyebrows. "I expect you know that kidnapping is a federal offense."

"Not when you are married to the victim," Liz made that part up because she really had no idea if that were true.

"What if the victim has a full schedule this afternoon?" Tyson wondered out loud.

"Oh, he doesn't. I called his very accommodating secretary and she moved all his appointments to next week. You are ours until Monday morning, so don't even think about escaping."

Tyson could do nothing but surrender. He put out his hand and let Kylee drag him out the door, past his smiling secretary and into the parking lot. He was briefly stunned to see his dad's new camping trailer hitched up to his truck taking up about 4 parking spaces, sideways in the parking lot.

"It's harder to park than I thought," Liz supplied apologetically.

Picturing Liz hooking up the trailer, getting the kids and the camping gear all ready, and driving the whole package down here warmed his heart a little. "Do I get to go put on a flannel shirt and hiking boots too?" he asked Kylee.

"No daddy, you can't go home. You will find something to do there so we brought your clothes for you."

Tyson laughed out loud. She already knew her daddy way too well. "Ok, then let's be on our way."

Kylee squealed and climbed into the back of the truck into her car seat and Liz bucked Kenny in.

For safety and sanity reasons, Liz handed the keys to Tyson. This kidnapping victim would have to drive to the designated hideout.

Fortunately, Lake Pleasant was about 20 minutes from their house. If it had taken any longer Kylee might have driven them both crazy. The high desert lake was formed by a dam and at this time of the year it was nearly at full capacity. Liz directed Tyson to the top of Vista Point, a rocky old road that led to the top of an overlook where a couple of stone picnic tables sat. The lake was surrounded by saguaro cactus, ocotillos in bloom and plenty of wildflowers. They parked the trailer in full view of Honeymoon cove and set up camp. On the top of the point they were far enough away from the water that they didn't worry about the kids wandering in when they weren't looking, but they had to take a short hike to get to the water's edge. After they unloaded the camping gear, Tyson put Kylee on his shoulders and Liz put Kenny in a back pack and they headed to the water. Kylee was waving a pink Barbie fishing pole in the air, talking a mile a minute as they walked.

When they got to the shoreline Liz dipped Kenny's toes in the water and Tyson helped Kylee fish. She tried to catch a fish for almost 10 minutes before she got discouraged and gave up. She decided that she would rather throw rocks in the water and her daddy was soon showing her how to skip a stone. Kenny sat on the sand, trying to eat dirt and crawly things.

They headed back to the camper and Liz started dinner while Tyson and the kids played. They roasted hot dogs on the fire and only dropped three into the flames. Liz strongly suspected that Kylee and Tyson were deliberately wiggling their sticks excessively because it was so funny to watch the hot dogs fall into the flames. They settled into their camp chairs with their blackened hot dogs smothered in catsup and mustard and ate until they couldn't stuff anymore in their bellies. They universally agreed with the age old truth. All food tastes better when cooked over a campfire, bits of charcoal included. After dinner they cleaned up and watched the sunset over the picturesque lake. As sailboats, jet skis and pontoon boats made their way through the setting sun to the harbor they left wakes like snail trails across the dark water. The Arizona sky was full of pinks and blues fading into deep reds and purples all around them. The night was full of color and as they relaxed and helped Kylee identify all of the changing hues Tyson felt the tenseness once again drain from his body. He hadn't realized how stiff his shoulders were until he felt them relax. It was beautiful here and he was surrounded by more love than any one man deserved in a lifetime.

Liz and Kylee were dragging a mattress out onto the ground to lay and watch the stars come out and Tyson was trying to keep track of Kenny. He had recently figured out walking and he was toddling along trying to negotiate rocks and uneven ground. When he wasn't falling he was trying to get to close to the fire pit or walk off the edge of a cliff. They finally set him on the mattress with a handful of goldfish so they could all lay back and watch the stars come out. One by one they twinkled out of hiding and Kylee made a wish on every one. "How can you possibly have that many things to wish for? Tyson asked her.

"They're not all for me daddy. I have to wish for everyone who's not here to see the stars too."

Tyson reached over and squeezed Liz's hand, "I'm not sure I have much left to wish for," he whispered. "I think I might be the only man alive who has all he ever wanted."

Liz smiled at him and her nose started to itch so she knew she was going to tear up. She tried not too but every once in awhile she remembered how close she came to losing this man and it brought a stab of terror to her heart, followed by a prayer of gratitude.

It was getting late when they finally got the kids settled down and into bed. Kylee in the queen sized bed of the camper and Kenny in a portable crib on the floor. The wild burros that wander around Lake Pleasant had started braying after dark and that had caused quite a commotion for awhile. Tyson had finally come up with a heartwarming story of a loveable, completely friendly burro family that had gotten separated in the dark and were wandering around calling to each other a cheery hello in burro language. Kylee was satisfied and fell into a contented sleep.

Liz and Tyson snuck out of the camper and sat in their camp chairs facing the black lake. A partial moon was rising and the stars were in full bloom in the night sky. Occasional lights from a fisherman's boat played across the water. After relaxing for a few minutes and laughing over the day's events, Liz stood and reached for something in her purse. She pulled out scented lavender oil and set it on the arm rest of her chair. Then she wandered in front of Tyson and leaned over him to plant a kiss on his lips. While he was preoccupied with the kiss she slipped her hands down, unbuttoned his shirt and eased it off of his shoulders. His undershirt joined the growing pile and he shivered a little in the night air. "What are you up to?" he asked with absolutely no hint of protest whatsoever.

"I'm going to give you the most heavenly relaxing shoulder massage of your life my hard working husband," she breathed against his parted lips. And then she proceeded to make good on her promise.

Tyson relaxed under the night sky, listening to the soft braying of the burros and his wife's quiet humming as she massaged the oil deeply into his tired shoulders. A breeze blew on the night air but Tyson was warm from the inside out. Nothing in the world could ever compare to being truly deeply loved by someone. At this moment in time he wanted nothing so much as to be able to show her the kind of love she showered on him. He snaked out his arm and wrapped it around her waist, pulling her onto his lap. She ran her oily hands up around his strong chest and up his neck to cup his ears. Then she kissed him deeply with all of the love in her whole being. He responded just as he should.

Liz broke the mood with the reminder, "We should probably go to bed pretty soon because unless I miss my guess those two will be up several times tonight and start the day earlier than the sun."

Hand in hand they stepped into the trailer.

Liz proved to be right and Kenny and Kylee were up with the first light of dawn. Kenny woke up disoriented and Kylee was grumpy. It took a bowl of Fruit loops and the promise of a morning kayak to charm her out of her lack of sleep grumpiness.

It took most of the morning to get the kayaks, all of the life vests, the paddles and the whole group down to the dock and with tremendous effort they were finally off to explore the nearby coves. Kylee sat in front of Liz and Kenny bounced up and down and stood and sat in front of Tyson. The constant motion made paddling difficult, especially since Kylee insisted on paddling all by herself, but they were in no hurry so they crept slowly along towards the cove. They spied a Blue Heron, several jumping fish and nests of cormorants. They tried to sneak up on a burro grazing on the shore but Kylee and Liz banged into the rocks loudly several times and scared him away. Kenny kept trying to jump into the water until Tyson finally side tracked him by letting him throw gold fish into the water to feed the ducks. For at least a few minutes they floated along peacefully.

The sun warmed their backs, the water rippled peacefully as they sliced quietly along the shore and birds called to each other. Tyson stopped paddling for a moment and just listened. He stretched his hands behind his head and leaned back into the sunshine, letting it soak deeply into his very being. Kylee began to sing a child's song with a catchy little melody and she sang most of the words wrong. Liz's musical laughter danced across the water. For just a moment everything in the world was as it should be.

Of course it didn't last very long. Kylee had to go to the bathroom and Kenny shoved a goldfish up his nose too far to retrieve easily, so they headed back to shore. After lunch the kids took a long nap and even Tyson collapsed on the bed for a much needed afternoon rest.

The days and nights of the kidnapping went along just about like that for the rest of the weekend. They hiked with Kenny in a backpack, kayaked around the cove, went fishing and tried to spy birds out of grandpa's binoculars. They ate too much, slept too little and laughed more than they had in a long time. It was an almost perfect weekend and by the time they got home Tyson was more relaxed than he had been in many months.

# Chapter 16

Marci was working closely with Maddy, trying to gain control of the moments of overwhelming sadness that had caused the attempt to take her life. She was learning the power she had over her own thoughts and where those thoughts led. Every day she felt a little stronger and a little more in control. The episodes of acute sadness came less and less often and now when they did she could recognize them seeping into her conscious and weed them out systematically. Maddy had taught her to push "stop" on the feelings when they started getting out of control and instead play positive messages. While Marci had been skeptical at first, she was realizing the value of the mind exercise. She would allow warm memories of Mark, but when the memories started to turn to anger or hopelessness it was time to push the "stop" button and get control again. Someday she may be able to feel those emotions as she remembered but right now she knew where they could lead and she wasn't ready to take a chance.

Marci found that when she woke in the morning and faced the mirror it helped to remind herself of the good things in her life and the great things she still had left to accomplish. The mantra she recited was often the same but it lifted her up and gave her strength to face the day and the many days ahead.

She would smile at her reflection and say, "Good morning gorgeous, "which usually made her smile at least a little because her morning hair and face made it difficult to believe. Marci was working on being gorgeous on the inside, a happy, fulfilled woman who could help others find joy in their own lives. She had to believe every day that she was a beautiful person. So the mantra started with "Good morning gorgeous," and then she went on to remind herself of why she was a gorgeous woman. It may sound boastful and proud, but Marci knew that her self worth was at rock bottom and she needed all the help she could get. Maddy had helped her realize that waiting around for someone else to validate you was a path to sure disappointment. A strong woman validates herself, and sometimes she starts every day with that validation.

So the morning went something like this "Good morning Gorgeous. You are a strong, capable woman who can change the world. You are talented, resourceful and you have a great capacity for loving. You love life and today you will laugh out loud, count your blessings and hug your little Captain America dozens of times. Life is good, and you are awesome." Sometimes she had to repeat the gorgeous and awesome parts a few times but it almost always made a difference to her day. By the time she got showered and dressed she was ready to tackle the day.

Maddy also suggested that Marci write down some of the things in her life that made her happy. She should look at the list often as a way to remember what she had to be grateful for. At first Marci wrote a few things in a little notebook but she rarely took time during the day to see them again. One day as she was preparing dinner at the stove, Eli was playing beside her. Suddenly she realized he had been quiet for a full 5 minutes and that generally meant he was trying to sneak by with something he knew he shouldn't be doing. Sure enough, when she located him crouched down on the other side of the island he had a marker and he was "writing" on the pantry door. She took the marker away and gave him a brillo pad and some water to scrub off the vandalism. Though he scrubbed hard, the permanent marker was on for good and Marci sighed as she realized it would probably take several coats of paint to remove the bright red marks. As she stirred a thought popped into her head. Why not use the pantry door to write down some of the things that made her happy. Eli had already added his. Instead of erasing his, maybe she could add her own. She would see them on her many daily trips to the kitchen and maybe they would remind her of the things she had to be grateful for. Eli stood in shock as she took the red marker off of the counter and added her own writing to the pantry door. She wrote down a few things, in small letters at about eye level and sat back to read them. Yep, they made her smile. She would try to add a few every day and if someone else came over and wanted to add to her door their own thoughts she would gladly hand over a pen. It would undoubtedly help to read what made others happy too.

Piano lessons were a great source of joy for her day. She had been surprised by how much it meant to her to help another child learn to play and love the piano. One of her students was particularly quick to catch on and her mother claimed she almost never had to pressure the child to practice. It was something she enjoyed doing. That's all it took to really master the lessons quickly and little Aimee was mastering everything Marci threw at her. She loved to play and her happy little fingers danced across the keyboard. Her cousin however, struggled. She wanted to learn to play but she also wanted to be outside riding her bicycle so her mind often wandered and she continually chose other activities over practice. Dylan was a delightful little girl though and Marci genuinely enjoyed teaching both of them. She spent hours during the day thinking up fun games and activities to make the music lessons more enjoyable and her efforts were often appreciated. Eli spent the time playing with a neighborhood family that had several small children and he seemed to enjoy the play dates as much as Marci enjoyed the time with the girls.

She also got out more. She met friends with their children at the park, or at McDonalds and they scheduled zoo trips and outings to the Arizona Science Center. Eli loved the outings and Marci found herself looking forward to casual visits with her friends. She had weeded out the friends that whined about how hard their lives were and those who constantly complained about their "lame" husbands. It was particularly difficult for Marci to listen to a woman tear down her husband for all of his inadequacies to her friends. Instead, she gravitated towards women who enjoyed life and their families and tried to juggle everything. Several of them worked at least part time and Marci enjoyed hearing about their jobs, their school experiences with older kids and their constant attempts to lose the baby weight they still carried.

Eli spent one day a week at his cousins' house and at first Marci used the time to run errands, shop and get things done without having to drag him along. As time wore on she started to substitute errands for little things she enjoyed. She spent time at the mall, getting a pedicure or a massage, or just walking through one of the cities lovely parks. She rationalized that it didn't hurt Eli at all to have to run errands during the day with her. He actually seemed to enjoy being around people as they visited the post office, bank and grocery store. He was learning to talk and he often repeated words and phrases he heard, which only really irritated Marci when she had scolded him and he repeated the scolding with a perfect imitation of her tone.

As the weather turned into another blistering Phoenix summer Marci and Eli left right after breakfast on Saturday mornings to shop at the open air farmers market. The food was fresh and the prices competitive. The large market even had shopping carts to keep Eli contained while Marci gathered fresh fruit and vegetables.

On one particular Saturday Marci had her back turned to Eli while she was squeezing tomatoes when she suddenly heard his loud, clear voice sing out, "Good morning Gorgeous."

Marci smiled, only slightly embarrassed, until she turned around and saw the smile that reached clear up into the eyes of the handsome recipient of Eli's greeting.

A flustered Marci started to apologize, "I'm sorry, he didn't mean that."

The stranger's eyebrow rose questioningly.

"No, I didn't mean that you're not gorgeous, obviously you are... I mean...um. Sorry." By now Marci was red faced and the stranger's booming laugh wasn't helping anything. She started to wheel the cart away with or without the tomatoes when he reached out and touched the handle.

"Don't be sorry. You have no idea how long it's been since someone started my day on such a positive note. I'll be smiling for the better part of the day," the man reached out and ruffled Eli's blond curls. He seemed as kind as he was handsome.

Marci wasn't comfortable talking to a man in the market so she smiled sheepishly and hurriedly pushed her cart in the other direction. Eli peered over her shoulder and shouted at his new friend, "You are awesome." This time even Marci smiled as she heard the deep chuckle that followed.

Eli was a quick study. It didn't take him long to realize the rise he got out of people with his newly acquired phrase. His mom seemed especially reactive to this particular phrase and Eli had just enough little boy in him to love anything that rattled his mom.

Everywhere they went Eli greeted people with "Good morning Gorgeous." and often told perfect strangers, "you are awesome." Marci had no idea Eli had been listening to her morning mantras and at first was horrified that everyone would realize she sat in front of the mirror every morning repeating the phrases. When she saw the reaction on the faces of strangers however, she had to acknowledge the positive effect her little boy had on everyone. The sourest faces lit up. Full grown men laughed out loud, and teenagers giggled hysterically, Eli was completely without discretion. Everyone he met was gorgeous and awesome. Even the perpetual grump at the post office, who yelled at everyone, smiled at Eli. By the time Marci and Eli left everyone in the long line was grinning. Marci had learned to quit apologizing. She just smiled and shrugged her shoulders.

Even in the car, with the windows down he would wave from his car seat in the back of the Accord at stop signs and greet other drivers with, "Good morning gorgeous." He seemed to love watching their spontaneous grins. Before long Marci was smiling at her infectious son too. One particular episode that had a powerful effect on Marci happened at the local grocery store when Marci stopped by to pick up some diapers. Eli wasn't in a cart because she just had a few items to grab so she was holding his hand as she walked up to the cashier. She let go of his hand to get her wallet out of her purse and Eli immediately darted a few feet away to where an elderly woman sat on the chair at the front of the store. Marci called to him but he ignored her so she kept a close eye on him as she paid. Obviously the elderly woman he approached was too frail and tired to accompany whoever was finishing her shopping for her. She was slumped in her seat with her head down and a scarf tied over her hair. Her face was lined, sad and lonely. Eli hurried up to her and instantly reached for her face. He placed both chubby little hands on the sides of her cheeks and she looked up at his cherubic face.

"Good Morning Gorgeous. You are awesome," he said directly into her eyes. The lines of her face softened and her smile was full, generous, and filled with joy. Tears gathered in her eyes and she took his fat little hands in hers and said something quiet in return. Marci watched the tender scene in awe. Even the cashier, who witnessed it, was stunned, "I've never seen anything like that. Did you teach him to do that?"

Marci could take no credit. That was all Eli, and maybe a little bit of Mark. The cashier shook her head in wonder and the elderly woman waved happily as Eli ran back to his mother and they walked hand in hand out of the store.

On the way home Marci was singing along with an oldies station on the radio. It was only on the second chorus as she sang "ooh honey, you are my candy girl, and you got me wanting you," that she realized this was the first time since the accident that she had felt like singing.

The only time Marci tried to squelch Eli's enthusiastic greeting was while they were attending various church services. Marci had spent a great deal of time learning about the beliefs of various denominations but decided to really get to know if they practiced what they preached by attending their Sunday services. After all, if she was going to embrace a religion, she better plan to start attending Sunday services.

She and Eli attended together and she learned right away that she favored the congregations where children sat with their parents and weren't shuffled off into another room. Yes, the services were noisier but this whole quest for faith was about family and she wasn't comfortable finding it without Eli by her side. Most of the time he sat reverently and colored pictures while she listened. He seemed to like the singing and all of the beautiful ambiance in the buildings. Marci read their literature, she visited with pastors, ministers and missionaries and started to make notes about what she liked and disliked. She left some services with a distinct positive feeling and others without it, but all of the different denominations encouraged her to pray.

After reading and rereading literature about several different religious affiliations, Marci pondered what she read while she put Eli to bed. She was actually nervous about trying to pray. Not only did it feel odd to talk to an empty room, she was a little unsure about praying to a God she had spent the last several months angry with. If there was one thing she had discovered in her study of religions it was that people of faith believed that their faith helped them get through things like this. Marci knew she needed all the help she could get.

She didn't know any memorized prayers and would have felt silly repeating them anyway so she tried merely talking to God. She didn't know if that was considered appropriate praying or not but it was as far as she was currently willing to go. At first it felt awkward and unnatural but as she poured out the things in her heart and what she was feeling it began to come more comfortably to her. She expressed concerns about her parenting inadequacies, her frustrations with her inability to heal, and her quest to find out what heaven was like. She didn't really expect answers to her questions but if she was perfectly honest she had to admit that after several minutes she did feel a little better. Lighter somehow and just slightly more positive.

"Hmm," she mused, "maybe that's what faith does for you. At any rate, at some point I'll have to stop paying Maddy to listen to me talk, maybe by then I'll be comfortable enough to substitute pouring out my heart in prayer. It would be a whole lot cheaper." She chuckled at her own wit, and then sobered, not sure God would appreciate it.

# Chapter 17

There is nothing in the world quite like an Arizona summer thunderstorm. Todd sat on his deck with a drink watching streaks of light blaze across the sky accompanied by the rolling rumble of thunder. Several colorful bolts of lightning lit up the sky at one time, each choosing their own zigzagging path to the earth. Todd loved thunderstorms and as Hershey whimpered in fright beside him, Todd reached out and scratched his ear comfortingly while he remembered past thunderstorms. He and Shari loved to sit on the back porch and watch the light show and often turned off the TV and computer and put down whatever else they were doing to enjoy a nice, long thunderstorm. The kids enjoyed them too, unless it was at night when they were little. Todd couldn't help but smile at the memory of his 3 little kids on stormy nights. The Arizona storms were rare enough that the thunder claps woke everyone up from a dead sleep, no matter the hour of the night. Todd and Shari would wake up first, usually with the lightening and then Todd would lay in bed and count, "one-thousand-one, one-thousand-two, one-thousand-three." He never made it past 3 before they could hear little footsteps running frantically down the hall and barreling into their bedroom. All three kids would ride out the storm on the king-sized bed snuggled up to their parents. As they got older, they would all march to the back patio and watch the storm roll through from there.

Todd was so caught up in the memory he didn't realize Hershey had progressively gotten closer and closer to him on the lounge chair. At first his big head was resting in Todd's lap, and then shortly his two front paws were up on Todd's knees. Now, Todd suddenly found himself practically holding the giant dog entirely in his lap as he scooted closer and closer to Todd.

Todd laughed and moved Hershey down as he started into the house. It was getting late and there was no reason to sit outside tonight. He could sleep through a thunderstorm most nights without any trouble. He let the frantic dog into the house with him and laid a blanket on the floor for him to curl up on, hoping he would calm down over the course of the night. He thought about his funny, loving big dog. Training had not gone as he had hoped. Hershey was more interested in playing than learning and Todd tried repeatedly to teach the dog to obey commands, but the playful dog would just leap around the yard barking at him. Todd finally had to come to the realization that, while Labradors are indeed intelligent dogs, that does not necessarily apply to all of them. What Hershey seemed to lack in intelligence, he more than made up for in unconditional love. That dog loved Todd with an adoration that was almost spooky.

Todd was just nodding off to sleep when Hershey pushed open the door to the master bedroom and padded quietly in to sleep by the foot of Todd's bed. He was aware of it, but considering the thunderstorm, just let it slide. He woke up an hour later unable to move his feet and in his sleep-deprived state it took him a minute to realize the reason stemmed from a huge weight covering them. He pushed Hershey off and rolled to his side and fell back asleep. The next time he woke he was dreaming that he was fighting to breath. Someone was smothering him and he was slowly losing his ability to draw a deep breath. He woke with a start and realized that he WAS struggling to breath. A huge hairy dog was literally sleeping on his face. That was the last straw. Todd pushed the beast off of the bed and out of the room and shut and locked the door. Hershey acted like he had just been betrayed by his best friend and pouted by the closed door. Todd stomped back to the bed and tried to go back to sleep. His pillow smelled like wet dog. And there were dog hairs all over the sheets. He had just thrown a pillow at the door and uttered a few choice words when the hilarity of the situation hit him and he started to laugh. Sometimes a relatively funny situation strikes you as absolutely hilarious and you can't stop laughing. As tears came to Todd's eyes, he just knew Shari must be laughing at him from somewhere right now too.

As the summer sun turned brutal, Todd looked for ways to leave the city and enjoy the mountain areas. He had several weeks of vacation every year and he had determined to use most of it enjoying his family. He had rediscovered how valuable those relationships were to him and he had the time and resources to make the very most of them.

In early July he called Tyson up and asked his son to accompany him on a 3 day white water rafting trip down the Colorado River in the Grand Canyon.

"I know you're busy Tyson, and you spend most of your vacation time with your family, but if you can fit it into your schedule I'd like to pay for the whole thing and just spend a few days with you,"

Todd was unsure how Tyson would respond.

"I'd love it!" Tyson's excitement was evident. Let me make sure Liz is ok with those dates and I'll call you back."

Liz had also realized the value of family relationships more and more over the past year and she was in favor of anything that strengthened bonds. By late that evening they had a week chosen and they started planning their trip.

They took off in mid July and drove Todd's camper to a campground near the canyon. They left a pouting Hershey behind with Tyson's family, and brought very little except their waterproof cameras and a change of clothes.

They camped together the first night and woke up early with excitement to start their day. They took a short hike to watch the sunrise over the canyon and stood together in awe, mesmerized by the majesty.

A helicopter flew them down to the river, and the ride alone seemed worth the price of the whole trip to Todd. He loved flying and once again his lifelong desire to get his pilot's license surfaced. Now would be a great time to fulfill that entry on his bucket list. But first, he had 3 days of action, beauty and excitement to experience with one of his favorite people in the world to be with and he had no intention of daydreaming away a minute of it. He and Tyson were snapping pictures out of the open windows as they descended into the canyon.

The rafts were ready to go when they landed and they loaded up their gear and strapped on their safety equipment. Then they took off. The shorter trips like this one dropped rafters right into the intense rapids rather than prepping them with a few days of calmer water. In no time, Tyson and his father were whooping with the rising swells and paddling away from spinning eddies and waterfalls. The guide shouted continued instructions at the paddlers as they tried to maintain their seats. Both of them were drenched in the first five minutes and they were laughing through the swells.

Tyson had always been a little bit of an adrenaline junkie anyway and Todd was starting to see where he got it from. They spent most of the day riding waves and slipping over waterfalls. They stopped on a sandy shore for lunch and took some great pictures of the canyon wildlife.

By the time the raft docked for the evening they were utterly exhausted. The rafting company provided an excellent meal, tents and sleeping bags but the weather was so beautiful that Tyson and Todd decided to lay their bags out under the stars and take their chances. Father and son lay together in the stillness and watched as the stars came out one by one as they talked.

"Tyson, you're a great man and I'm sure proud of you. I love to watch you with your kids, I admire your work ethic, and I'm especially proud of the way you treat that beautiful wife of yours," Todd's voice was husky.

Tyson lightened the moment. "You know I learned from the best. You were a great example. Of course they say that when a man treats his wife like a princess it's proof that he was raised in the arms of a queen."

Todd hadn't heard that particular saying before but he smiled as he thought how much Shari would have loved it. "You certainly were Tyson. I'm just glad she took me along for the ride with her."

"Me too dad."

"I probably don't tell you enough Tyson, but I really do love you." Todd thought it seemed like the right time to tell him.

"I know dad. I love you too. Now let me get to sleep so I can keep up with you tomorrow."

Both men woke the following day with a loud groan and several smaller moans. There was a reason people didn't do this sort of thing every day. Every single muscle in their bodies was screaming in protest. Yes, it was mostly the exertion of the day before but for two softies, sleeping on the ground did a share of damage too. It was almost too painful to get up and get going, but being left behind wasn't an option so they got up, ate and got ready to start another day.

The second and third day was more intense than the first. The white water was faster and the waterfalls were bigger. It was an almost constant adrenaline rush and by the third day both men were well practiced at keeping the raft afloat. They could laugh and talk, even as they careened down the wild river. They ate like starving lumberjacks at meals and slept like the dead at night, and they each had a portfolio of breathtaking pictures to remember the adventure.

There was really only one close call. A woman on the trip had her camera slip out of her jacket pocket during one of the white water segments. She was too afraid to let go of the rope on the side to go after it. It was obviously going overboard so Tyson made the quick decision to reach for it as it slid across the raft. As soon as he let go, the raft hit a dip and flipped precariously to the side. They were able to keep it upright but without an anchor, Tyson was tossed into the icy water. Todd's first reaction was to panic and reach to help, but the guide had made it clear that they were to obey the rules at all times. Todd would have to trust that his son would be alright. He watched as Tyson bobbed to the surface and made his way slowly over to the shore, bouncing off of rocks as he went. Occasionally he sipped beneath the water, but he always resurfaced. He was wearing a protective helmet and life vest and he was a strong swimmer, so as long as he didn't panic he would be fine. By the time he got to the shore, he was soaked through and exhausted but they threw him a line, he pulled the raft over and climbed back on board. The sun warmed him and dried him off in no time. Todd sucked in a deep breath and just then realized he'd been holding his breath the whole time his son was in the water.

The incident left Todd edgy and more nervous about the water. He kept thinking of the things that could go wrong and inevitably his thoughts turned to what he would tell Liz if anything happened. The thought literally made him sick to his stomach. He tried to enjoy the remainder of the rapids, but he kept glancing at Tyson to make sure he was secure. As much fun as they were having, he might have to rethink the high adventure trips he was planning for the future.

The last night of the river trip the two men ate until they were stuffed, took pictures of the sunset on the water and sat by the fire visiting until they couldn't keep their eyes open any longer. Tyson was anxious to get back to his family and Todd was anxious to get back to a real bed.

They left the river early the next morning and drove the camper home late that afternoon. Tyson called ahead so Kylee and Kenny were sitting on the front yard playing in a wading pool, waiting for him. Liz watched as Tyson practically leapt out of the truck. Several days on the river had left his muscles strong and his face and arms deeply tanned. He smiled at her and her stomach did a little flutter as she blew him a kiss full of promise. He had no time to respond because a dripping wet Kylee was barreling into him at cannonball speed. She raised her arms up and when he lifted her he nuzzled his unshaven face against her cheek. She squealed and protested loudly but then she planted her hands on either side of his face and lectured sternly, "Daddy, you were gone too long."

"I know sweetheart, but Grandpa wanted to spend time with me too," he tried reasoning with her.

"Then Grandpa can just come over here more. Me and mommy don't like it when you are gone," Kylee spoke her mind as usual.

Tyson changed the subject by nuzzling her cheek again, inducing another set of squeals. Then he noticed Kenny still splashing away in the pool. He was running a toy around the edges and completely ignoring his dad.

"Hi Kenny, did you miss me?" Tyson crouched down low beside his son.

Kenny moved his toy to the other side of the pool, turning his back on his dad with no comment.

Tyson looked at his wife questioningly but she just shrugged in response. He walked over the other side of the little pool and tried again, crouching down, "I brought you something back from my trip."

The little boy threw his toy at his dad and hung his head. Tyson was about to tease him out of his ill humor, but he noticed the tears brimming in his big eyes before Kenny looked down. His heart warmed toward the scared little boy. It was always amazing to Tyson how much children understood what was going on. Kenny might not have known what white water rafting was, but he knew that his dad was gone and he probably felt some of his mother and sister's anxiety. He couldn't talk yet, and he couldn't really understand or express his emotions, but Tyson could tell he was struggling with them. He scooped up the protesting little boy and hugged him tightly.

"I'm sorry I made you mad Kenny. You know I love you."

Kenny was having none of it. He pushed against his father's chest and reached for his mother. Then he promptly burst into tears and buried his head in the crook of Tyson's neck. He wouldn't look at his dad. Kenny was good and mad at him for leaving for several days and Tyson knew it may take a while to earn his forgiveness but he couldn't help but feel cherished and loved by the angry little boy. He thought for about the millionth time how grateful he was that he was still here to raise these two hellions. When Kylee climbed up his leg, he lifted her in his other arm and raised his eyes towards heaven and whispered, "Thanks mom."

# Chapter 18

Kylee turned four the following month and her birthday party was a pink princess affair, with a castle cake and a pink bouncy house. She wore a pink, feathered tiara and bossed everyone else around all afternoon. By the time her daddy and grandpa got home from work, Liz was ready to hand her off to the second team. She had a couple of neighborhood friends over and her cousins and they bounced, blew horns and everyone tried to open presents while Kylee panicked and tried to keep them all to herself. When it was time to blow out the candles, Kenny got too close to the cake and grabbed a handful. Eli blew out all four candles while Kylee was still taking a deep breath in. She was nearing a complete melt down when her mother re-lit all of the candles and patched the hole Kenny dug out of the side. She finally got to blow out the candles and make her wish. Once the drama settled all of the kids sat down and started playing with the new toys.

Liz collapsed in a chair with a heavy sigh. Tyson and Todd started to clean up laughing at what a complete disaster a group of toddlers can make of a house in a few hours.

As Todd picked up a broken tiara he smiled, "Shari would have love this whole thing."

Tyson nodded, "Kylee is her oldest grandchild and those two really loved each other." Sometimes it still hurt so much to think of the kids growing up without the grandmother who loved them.

"Well, now that Kylee has turned 4 I guess it's time to take her camping like I promised," Todd was excited for his first outing of one on one time with his oldest grandchild. He knew Shari would be pleased with his attempts to strengthen the relationships he had with each of the grand kids.

They made arrangements for Todd to pick up Kylee on Friday after work and they would travel to a nearby campground and spend the night in the camper. They'd be back by early afternoon if everything went well.

Kylee was so excited she danced around the room. Her one experience in the camper had been so much fun she couldn't wait to repeat it. She still had a little trouble figuring out how many days until Friday, so she asked every morning and again every night. Friday couldn't come soon enough for Kylee or her parents.

Todd picked her up about 5 and he had a full evening of entertainment planned. "Hey princess, I can't wait to spend the weekend with you. We are going to have so much fun. Just the two of us."

Kylee bounced up and down in the booster seat and chattered non-stop about her plans for the weekend. As they pulled away from the house Liz and Tyson waved from the porch, and Liz held Kenny's hand up to wave. Kylee strained her little head to look at them and wave goodbye. Suddenly she burst into tears. Todd thought something on the booster seat must have pinched her so he pulled over, "What's wrong Kylee?"

"I miss my daddy," she wailed.

Todd was stunned. They could still see her family in the driveway. She couldn't possibly miss them yet. "Honey, your daddy is right behind us waving to you. We're going to go have a fun picnic and campout in the camper. It will be fun. We'll play games and sing songs and roast marshmallows and throw rocks in the river. Maybe we'll even catch a butterfly or a caterpillar for you to bring home to your daddy. Ok?"

Kylee mulled over the idea of bringing home a caterpillar and through her sniffles she said, "Ok, that will be fun."

"Don't worry honey, we're going to have a wonderful time," Todd wasn't sure if he was convincing her or himself.

The weekend went downhill quickly. By Saturday morning Todd had to admit it was a total disaster. Kylee saw a sign by the road with a picture of a bear and she thought she saw one lurking in the trees. From then on she was terrified the bear was going to sneak into camp and get her. There was no reasoning with her and she wouldn't let Todd out of her sight. She thought the stew Todd made was "kind of icky" and she wouldn't eat the biscuits without honey. She got too close to the fire while they were roasting marshmallows and when Todd yelled to her to move away it hurt her feelings. She dropped her marshmallow in the fire and cried over the unfairness of it all for 20 minutes.

It started to rain lightly so they went into the camper to play games but Kylee wanted Hershey to come inside too so he wouldn't get wet and cold. Since he was already wet and muddy, Todd was adamant that he not come in. Kylee launched into wailing sobs again and refused to play any games with her grandpa. She pressed her face against the window and called to Hershey. He played the victim well, dropping his head in despair and looking forlornly at the warm camper occupants. Todd rolled his eyes and tried to ignore both of them. He muttered under his breath, "I'm too old for this."

When he turned out the lantern, the room was too dark and Kylee was afraid the bear would be able to unlatch the camper door. She worked herself up into a complete panic by the time Todd pulled her into the queen-sized bed with him. He turned on the reading light and started to read while she fell asleep. She got cold during the night and pressed her feet up against him. Pretty soon she was perpendicular to him in the bed with her icicle feet up on his chest. She finally ended up sprawled mostly on top of him, which wouldn't have bothered him nearly as much if she hadn't been afraid to leave the warm bed and use the bathroom. He woke in the early morning hours lying in a cold, wet puddle in the middle of his new camper bed. It was about that time his patience was totally gone. "What the heck?" he jumped back from the wet spot with a startled gasp. He had been too loud and Kylee looked up sleepy-eyed to see her angry grandpa with his hair sticking up in every direction and a scowl on his face. She promptly burst into tears.

Todd was cleaning up the sheets when Kylee opened the door to let Hershey in. It took about 1/8 of a second once the door was open for Todd to process the smell and scream a warning to Kylee, "NO Kylee, don't let him in! He's been around a skunk out there." Too late, the wet, pungent dog leaped into the camper and started jumping around. Tears instantly formed in Todd's eyes. He charged down from the bed and ordered the dog out. If he hadn't been so distracted with the sheets he would have noticed the smell outside sooner. Hershey had managed to avoid a direct spray but there was definitely evidence that he had some contact with the animal. Todd wondered how he was going to get the dog clean. For that matter, how was he going to get the dog home?

It was still drizzling outside so hiking or playing in the creek was out of the question. Todd make pancakes and hot cocoa on the indoor stove but by then neither one of them were in the mood to have a good time. They were on their way home by 7am.

When they pulled up in the driveway, Tyson took one look at his father's haggard, unshaven face and then glanced at his watch and burst into laughter. Hershey's leash was tied to the back of the truck bed so he couldn't jump out but Tyson didn't have to be near him to know what had happened there.

An exhausted Kylee had slept the entire way home so she was slightly refreshed and bounded out of the car looking calm and unruffled. She marched over to her daddy and stated disappointedly, "Grandpa is very grumpy." Then she whispered conspiratorially, "I think he needs a nap."

Tyson laughed harder and his dad scowled deeper. He unloaded Kylee's gear and pulled the camper home where he would have to spend the next several hours cleaning the camper, the sheets, the mattress and the dog. For once he didn't care in the least if Shari would have been pleased with his efforts or not.

# Chapter 19

Marci was trying very hard to increase her social life and make new friends. When she visited churches with Eli she tried to be friendly and outgoing as she met new people and tentatively set up play dates with their children. Eli was busy making friends everywhere they went and he loved his new found popularity. Marci let her life and her heart revolve around Eli as she tried to fill it so full of love for Eli there wasn't room for any of the pain left behind from Mark's loss. The little boy kept her on her toes and he seemed to have completely lost any inhibitions about being around strangers.

Marci still went to the farmers market every Saturday morning, and one Saturday she woke with a sense of excited anticipation. She diligently avoided any analysis of her feelings as she carefully brushed her hair and applied her makeup. She picked out a pair of skinny jeans that showed off her curves and a light, airy chiffon blouse in a pale yellow that complimented her coloring. Still, she avoided any consideration of her actions. She bundled Eli into the car seat and headed to the market. She told herself repeatedly she wasn't going to look around, but she couldn't help it. She glanced quickly around the store and spotted him almost immediately; the man with the booming laugh who Eli had referred to as "gorgeous". She'd seen him there every Saturday since then and he always made his way over to greet Eli and start a conversation with Marci. At first she was flustered and she answered his questions briefly without follow-up, but a fragile friendship had formed as they exchanged pleasantries in the produce week after week. Now Marci found herself looking forward to their Saturday morning conversations. She wasn't sure where it was headed or where she wanted it to go, but for the moment it was nice to have something to look forward too.

She tried to pretend she wasn't paying attention to him, but she knew exactly where in the market he was every minute. Suddenly he peeked from behind Marci's head at Eli in the shopping cart and pretended to pull a banana from out of her ear. Eli roared with laughter and clapped his hands.

"Hi Eli and Marci," he smiled broadly as he greeted them. "How was your week?"

"Good", Marci hesitated then qualified "If you count 4 episodes in the time out chair and complete failure at potty training as good."

"Only four time outs in a whole week? That sounds good to me. I think I had more than that at work this week," he looked at her guiltily.

Marci laughed, "Besides the time out's how was your week Eddie?"

"Good," he answered a little distractedly, then his handsome cheeks colored a little and he stammered, "Um, I noticed that you usually shop for only one and ½. Does that mean there isn't a man in your life?" He let out a deep breath like he had been holding it for quite awhile.

Marci was trying to figure out how she wanted to answer when Eli piped up, "Daddy died, a building fell on him."

Eddie looked from the little boy to Marci questioningly. Marci nodded and looked away. She silently cursed the tears that instantly sprang into her eyes.

"I'm sorry,"

Marci could tell his words were sincere. "It's been nearly a year. I'm not sure why I'm suddenly so weepy," she tried to hide her embarrassment.

"That's ok, when someone loves deeply there is always sorrow at separation," Eddie sounded like he knew what he was talking about. "I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable. I'm not sure if you're ready but when you are available I would like to take you and Eli to dinner sometime. I'll give you my email address and if you'd like to contact me you'll be able to."

The awkwardness of the moment was gone and Marci found herself wondering more about this man with the easy laugh and the understanding smile.

"Maybe I could email you and we could get to know a little more about each other while I figure things out?" Marci asked with a hint of hope in her voice.

"That sounds good to me," Eddie's voice was a mixture of pleasure and relief. "If I don't hear from you this week, I'll see you next Saturday." Marci was pretty sure he was trying to make sure she felt no pressure.

Eli waved and blew kisses as Eddie made his way to the front of the market.

Marci made her way home and put the produce away silently. "Was she really ready for this? Would she ever be? What would Mark think? What would his family say? Could she ever find another man really attractive after Mark? If she allowed herself to fall for someone else, would it minimize the love she had for Mark?" Her mind swam with the questions. It was all too much too soon and Marci sat down on the edge of the couch and began to cry. It was as if her life was changing and she was saying goodbye to a past she wasn't ready to give up. A part of her wanted to move on, past the pain, but she instinctively knew that once she did her love for Mark would never be the same.

The ringing cell phone jarred her out of her musings and she heard the voice of one of her piano student's mother.

"Hi Marci, It's Marion, Aimee's mom. I had something I wanted to discuss with you. I'm on the board at Aimee's school and they have lost their music teacher. They are looking for a replacement. I'm not sure if it's anything you would ever be interested in but I think you're wonderful with the girls and you would be so good with all of the kids in the school. It's a part time teaching position just until noon every day. The music program is such an important part of the curriculum, don't you agree?"

"Um, yes." Marci wasn't exactly sure what she was agreeing too. "That's very flattering Marion, but I'm not sure I want to leave Eli even for a few hours a day yet. Let me think about it and I'll give you a call back."

Her first reaction was to panic but she remembered her pep talk and she calmed herself down with words of affirmation and encouragement. Mark had left her financially well off, so she didn't need the job, but she knew that the time would come when she would want to work outside of her home. This sounded like an ideal opportunity to start slowly doing something she loved. Maybe being around other adults and kids every day would be the balm she needed.

She stood up and walked to the fridge, then opened it and closed it again and walked back to the couch. She sat down then stood up and walked the same route again. By the third lap she realized she was pacing, while her thoughts raced. She told herself to calm down and weigh the pros and cons. She was halfway through the list of cons when she found herself justifying each objection to working. She'd been learning to listen to her heart and right now it seemed to be encouraging her to give this a try. Marci mulled it over for a few more days and then gave Aimee's mom a call.

Just like that she was working part time as a music teacher for a nearby elementary school.

Marci was more nervous than all of her students combined on her first day of school. Eli had bounced out of the car on the way to his first day of daycare which helped ease her anxiety. She knew his excitement wouldn't last but it made the first few days easier. She had gone through her mantra in the mirror this morning but even with the added encouragement, her confidence was shaky.

Marci kept telling herself as she prepared her lesson that it was only a half day, they were only children and she could handle this. When she heard the first class coming into the music room she almost hyperventilated but she took a deep calming breath, pasted a smile onto her face and stepped forward to welcome them.

Fortunately, Marci's week began with the 2nd graders. They weren't as unruly as the 1st graders and they weren't as gratingly cool as the 6th graders. She would have one or two days a week with each grade and about 50 minutes with each class in that grade. 5th and 6th were combined. The 2nd graders were excited about everything having to do with musical instruments and singing and dancing. The structure didn't go quite as planned because their attention spans weren't quite what she had anticipated, but before things could go downhill Marci put on some music and just let them dance. They loved it and it helped to work out a little excess energy. Each class period went a little better as she learned from the previous children and by lunch time when she went to pick up Eli she felt pretty good about her day. Of course she hadn't dealt with the 5th and 6th graders yet. In her mind she was planning musical performances, skits and tiny marching bands. She hadn't felt so excited about anything in a long time. She loved music and if she could transfer some of that love to the children then she would feel like she had made a difference.

Eli had a marginally successful day at day care. He loved his new friends and all of the new toys and projects to do but he had bullied several others to get what he wanted. Marci was a little surprised but glad to see this aspect of his personality so early so she could figure out how to deal with it.

Late that night, after she prepared her lesson for the next day, tucked Eli into bed and fixed a drink she was feeling confident and relaxed. Now would be the best time to try sending an email to Eddie. If it felt too uncomfortable or awkward to write it, she just wouldn't send it. She pulled out her laptop and started to type.

"Hi Eddie, it's Marci from the farmers' market. I thought I might say hi and see how your day went. I started teaching music at the elementary school today and all things considered it went pretty well. Eli terrorized the day care but we're working through that. How was your day?" Marci

She had debated about how to end it, but decided against anything more familiar or formal than just her name. She re-read it 10 times, looked for subtle messages in each line and waited nearly 2 hours before she finally decided to send it. She went to bed wondering how Mark would feel about her new friendship with Eddie. She'd thought a lot about it and while she knew Mark loved her, she also knew he wouldn't expect her to be alone for the rest of a very long life. Would he understand? She didn't know but laying alone in the dark pondering it didn't seem to be helping much so she wrapped a pillow around her head and willed herself to think of something else.

The morning was hectic getting Eli dressed, fed and out the door in time for her to get to school but she knew that a routine would make it easier. The 3rd graders were as delightful to teach as the 2nd graders had been, but they were a little more critical of each other and a little more concerned about looking good in front of their friends. Rather than have them dance at the end she gave them each an instrument and played some music encouraging them to try and pick up the beat and follow along. Some were natural, other's she helped.

The report from day care was not pretty. Eli had clubbed someone with a foam bat for not being his friend. After lunch and nap time they had a very serious talk about being nice and Eli promised to try harder.

By the time Marci was preparing dinner she had walked by the closed lap top a dozen times and purposely ignored it each time. She really didn't care very much if Eddie had responded yet. After all, he might not check his email every night. Besides he was probably still at work and hadn't had time or inclination to respond yet. It definitely wasn't something she was going to worry about. By the time she put Eli to bed she gave up the ruse. She did care. She was dying to know if he responded. She didn't want to think about why she cared so much but she did.

She opened the laptop, took a deep breath and signed on to her email account. It was there. A response from Eddie. She opened it up and read it quickly once, and then slowly twice more, making sure she hadn't missed anything important.

"Hi Marci, Glad to hear from you. My admiration on teaching music to elementary school kids. I find them a little intimidating. Good day at the office. We're working on a merger for two companies and I find I'm pacifying CEO's as much as crunching the numbers. Maybe our jobs are not so different. :) If you think a little incentive would help Eli's adjustment to daycare you are welcome to offer him a ride on one of my horses at the ranch if he can behave. I've got a little Shetland pony that would be just about the right size for him I think. Good luck with the older kids this week. I look forward to hearing how things go." Eddie

Marci sighed. That wasn't too threatening. He was just a friend and it was good to have friends. Especially friends who had their own ranch. That might be just the incentive that Eli needed.

Marci waited until Thursday and then wrote back. She told him about the 1st and 4th grade music classes and how rambunctious the younger kids had been. It couldn't quite be labeled disastrous but only because no one actually got hurt when they were running around ignoring everything she tried to do. She would have to develop a firmer hand and work on her "mean" voice. She also told him she would love to bring Eli to see his ranch sometime and she agreed that would probably work as a behavior incentive.

Eddie responded Friday night with a light invitation for her to try her "mean" voice on him and he would let her know how intimidating it was. He also reminded her that Eli was a great kid and his bullying was probably just the leadership qualities in him trying to figure out how to come out. Eddie made Marci laugh and smile and she found herself looking forward to each evening to see what he had to say. On Friday night he ended by telling her he was looking forward to seeing her and Eli at the market on Saturday. Marci felt a little bubble of excitement in her stomach as she went to bed that night too.

When they met at the farmers market on Saturday morning, they tried to pretend it was casual but it was obvious to both of them that their relationship had changed. They spoke and laughed as they walked through the market, but when he smiled down at her she had to look away from the intensity of his gaze. When she giggled at something he said she was appalled. Giggled? Who giggled when they were her age?

When Eddie walked them to their car he asked her if she had decided about a visit to the ranch.

"Let's wait and see how this week goes at daycare," she answered. "I'll keep you filled in. If that's ok?"

Eddie knew she was trying to be bold and it was difficult for her, but he also felt like she really liked him. If he could just remember to slow down and let her move at her own pace. "Ok, I look forward to hearing from you."

Eddie was on her mind as she and Eli dressed for church the next day. She found she liked the idea of spending part of one day a week in worship. There was no doubt in her mind that her efforts to find faith had somehow increased the peace in her life. She assumed it would be a lifetime of effort but it felt good to sing the hymns of praise, to hear other people's stories and to be in the beautiful buildings. After church she usually went to visit Todd, Tyson's family or her own. Eli loved being around his grandpa, Hershey and his cousins. There were times when Marci felt like this might be enough, but other times when she remembered the companionship she and Mark had shared that she knew it probably wouldn't.

The next week flew by and she felt like she was drinking from a fire hose as her learning curve on children took off. The mornings were filled with school and the children and the afternoons with Eli and his new found interests. Always one to repeat the things he heard, Eli managed to repeat a colorful word from daycare on only his 2nd week there. Marci was appalled. Who used that word in daycare? Cautious not to over react, though her ears were burning, Marci sternly warned, "Eli that is not an appropriate word. You are not allowed to ever say that word."

When she told Eddie that night in an email, he thought it was hilarious. Email's now usually bounced back and forth in the evening as they both wrapped up their days. It was almost like chatting as they asked and answered questions. She told him about her frustrations with the 5th and 6th graders criticizing each other constantly in an effort to boost their own fragile egos and he told her about the delicate balance of deciding who to keep and who to let go in a merger. It seemed to help them both work things out to be able to talk about it at the end of the day. By Wednesday, Eli's behavior at daycare hadn't improved so that night Marci asked Eddie if she might be able to throw out the ranch incentive. She was a desperate woman. Eddie loved the idea and worked his schedule around a possible Saturday afternoon outing.

Marci made the offer to Eli on Thursday morning. "If you get a gold star for behavior on both Thursday and Friday then Eddie has invited you to come and see his ranch on Saturday. He says he has a horse you may get to ride on too." Eli was beyond thrilled. He couldn't sit still in the car seat, talking non-stop about his horsey. Marci took a minute to visit with the day care director and ask her to remind Eli about the ranch trip when his behavior began to deteriorate.

Marci was feeling pretty good about her parenting at this point so she decided to take a good hard look at how to control her music classroom a little better. She knew if the kids started out in control it would be down hill for the rest of the semester. Positive incentives had worked for Eli so she decided to try that on her 5th and 6th graders on Friday. She sat them down at the beginning of class and said, "I don't like the way you are talking to each other and treating each other in my class. Music needs to be an environment where everyone feels safe to try new things. Criticism and belittling have no place in this music classroom. If I have any problem with it, I'll ask you to leave the room. If however, you can treat each other nicely, I'll bring in a set of steel drums a Jamaican friend of mine gave me years ago and teach you to play them. How does that sound?"

The whooping and hollering indicated a positive response. Marci ended the week on a high and found herself looking forward to seeing Eddie on the weekend. When they met at the farmer's market, Eddie was in good spirits. Marci was anxious to see his ranch and how he lived. Eli was a tornado of energy. He was riding his pretend horse when he knocked over a row of cans and he was lassoing a cow when he banged into someone's shopping cart. He asked Eddie a million questions about the ranch and Eddie could barely get one answer out before the next one flew at him.

By the time they drove out to the ranch Eli was a ticking time bomb of anticipation. They decided to work off some of that energy before he got around any of the animals. They walked to the creek and threw rocks in, then played on the rope swing and finally climbed all over the tractor. When Eli had calmed down enough to go meet the horses, Eddie produced a few apples from his pocket. He gave one to Eli and as Eli presented it to the pony an immediate friendship was forged.

They had a picnic in the shade of a peach tree, led Eli and the pony around with a rope and had a grand tour of the ranch. By the end of the afternoon, Eli was exhausted and Marci was calmed by the peacefulness of the surroundings. "Eddie, this is a beautiful place. How did you ever decide to purchase a ranch?"

"Well, I was making good money and wanted to invest in something. I grew up on a ranch and loved the way I felt around animals and growing things. I actually just started with a bunch of land. When you spend all of your weekends working on it, things grow pretty fast. I keep coming up with new ideas to add and plans for the future."

"I've never asked you about women in your life. Have you ever married?"

Marci was a little uncomfortable asking the question.

"No, I've been close a few times but things just never worked out right."

"You're still young. You've got at least a few good years left," she smiled as she teased him. She tried to keep the conversation light, but as his arm brushed against hers when they walked, the air was heavy with awareness.

"Marci, you know I love to have you and Eli come out to visit anytime but I'd like to see you alone sometime too. I want to take you out to dinner," Eddie looked at her questioningly.

"I think I'd like that too Eddie, but I'm still working through some things. Can I have this week to prepare for it?" Her eyes were uncertain.

"Sure, the anticipation will be good for me," he said it without much conviction.

Eli of course threw a Herculean fit when it was time to go home. The excitement plus total exhaustion at naptime put him over the edge. Marci was having a hard time getting him into the car seat as he arched his body. She was embarrassed and frustrated with Eli when Eddie popped his head into the car. "Hey cowboy if you give your mom a hard time she won't let you come out to see me again, and next time I was going to show you how to milk a goat." That got his attention. He settled right down and in minutes his heavy eyes were closing.

Marci stepped back from the car and turned to thank Eddie. It seemed too formal to shake his hand so she tentatively reached in to hug him lightly in farewell. Her arms went low around his waist and his arms went high and she fit perfectly against his chest. It felt so good to hug a man again. His masculine scent and warm muscles against her cheek flooded her with longing. She stayed there just a moment too long, and felt his heartbeat quicken. "Thanks for a wonderful day Eddie. I'll see you soon." Her own heartbeat was hammering in her chest.

The next week flew by. She was in control of her classes for the most part and Eli only needed to be reminded of milking the goats to keep his behavior in check. She talked to Eddie every night and Saturday while they milked the goats she told Eddie she was ready to go out to dinner. He squirted her with milk to show how pleased he was. She gave him her address and he told her what time he'd pick her up.

Marci called Liz when she got home. "Hey Liz, I need to ask you something. Do you think Tyson and Todd will be upset if I go on a date?"

"Oh Marci, have you found someone you want to go out with?" Liz was anxious.

"Well, I think so, but it could easily move too fast and I want to make sure I'm ready to do this before I start anything."

"It's been almost a year Marci. I think everyone expects you to date again sometime. Don't worry. No one will ever question your love for Mark or your devotion to him. You shouldn't have to prove your love by being miserable and lonely for the next 60 years. Tyson and Todd love you and they want you to be happy, but if you'd like I'd be happy to tell them for you."

"Thank you so much Liz. You're a good friend. Oh, can you recommend a good babysitter?" Marci's voice carried the relief she felt.

Marci was as skittish as a feral cat by the time Eddie picked her up at 7. She had changed clothes 6 times, shoes 4 times and redone her makeup twice. She picked up the phone to cancel once and paced the house waiting for the babysitter.

First dates were awful and this one was especially stressful. She had very few friends and she really didn't want to lose Eddie's friendship but she wasn't at all sure she was comfortable with going out to dinner. What in the world would she do if he tried to kiss her? She'd probably hyperventilate and have to breathe into a paper bag. She smiled at her next thought. Maybe she'd become the aggressor, after a year of no physical affection, and scare him off. She was a mess. She didn't even know what she wanted.

When Eddie knocked on the door she visibly jumped. When he lightly touched her back on the way to the car she flinched as if she'd been scalded. While he went around to his side of the car she took deep calming breaths and told herself to get it together.

Eddie could tell she was nervous and reminded himself to take it slowly. He took her to a nice restaurant in Scottsdale and they talked about their week. He asked her about Mark and she talked easily to him about her husband and what a great man he was. She told him briefly about the day he and his mother died and the circumstances surrounding their death, and Eddie was more than a little stunned. "You mean each of her son's had to make a choice and one chose to leave and one chose to stay with her?" Marci nodded. "Oh my gosh," Eddie continued, "I can't imagine a more wrenching decision. I'm not sure a man could live with either one. What a hero Mark must be to all of you. I understand now why you've had such a hard time with me. You need to know Marci that no man could ever try to replace Mark. He deserves your love and admiration forever, but I think it's possible you have enough love to give someone else too.

Marci felt in her heart that he was right. She changed the subject to a lighter topic and they spent a nice quiet evening together. After dessert they drove up the road to watch the fireworks at one of the resorts in Carefree and when she shivered in the evening breeze he put an arm lightly around her shoulders. She didn't pull away.

When he dropped her off he didn't try to kiss her though he held onto the hug for a long time. She could see in his expression that he was hungry to kiss her goodnight but he wanted to give her time. She might have been a little relieved not to have to deal with the emotions of a kiss from another man, but if she was honest she'd admit she was a little more disappointed than relieved.

# Chapter 20

As the blistering hot Arizona summer days began to fade into slightly cooler evenings in the fall Todd and Hershey resurrected their favorite hiking habits. The one nice thing about the summer days was their length. Todd and Hershey often found themselves hiking late into the evening still enjoying daylight as the air cooled. Hershey still loved to run and it was all Todd could do to keep up with him.

The duo still had to start early on Saturday mornings before the heat set in, but it seemed like half of Phoenix had the same idea as they pulled into the parking lot of their favorite hike. Sonoran park preserve was a long, challenging hike with room on the trail to run if they chose. Fortunately, there were enough trails around the mountain to accommodate a lot of hikers. Todd and Hershey started up the summit hike, and after a short stretch they took off running. Lost in thought, Todd wasn't paying particular attention to where his feet landed when Hershey suddenly stopped running and barked threateningly. Todd nearly catapulted over the crazy dog as he looked to the right of the trail to see what had caused the hold up. Coiled to the side of the trail, basking in the early morning sunshine was a huge, angry, rattlesnake. Hershey leapt and danced, barking and trying to play with the snake while it darted and lunged in his direction, fangs bared. The last thing Todd wanted was to carry an enormous, injured dog down the side of the mountain so he pulled hard on the leash and backed slowly away from the viper. It was a little too close of a call though and Todd made the decision to keep his head a little more alert when he was hiking and not get lost in a fog of thoughts.

The rest of the day Todd was in a funk. He couldn't seem to shake the melancholy that surrounded him. Somehow he knew it had to do with Shari but he couldn't quite put his finger on what was bothering him. It came to him suddenly when a co-worker at lunch asked him about his day. He was telling him the story of the close call with the rattlesnake when he realized what was bothering him. There was no one to care. There was no one at home to tell the story too, to panic at his close call and to put their arms around him and tell him how glad they are that he is OK. Worse of all was the thought that if he were injured there would be nobody at home to pamper him and take care of him. He couldn't remember the last time he felt so alone in the world. It was a lonely thought and he realized that he didn't like it very much. Even figuring out what was weighing him down didn't bring Todd much relief. This chapter of his life wasn't going to be an easy one to work through.

He continued to hike, more vigilant now than previously and he usually hiked early in the day when the sun wasn't so hot. He generally tried to avoid Saturday mornings because it was so crowded every weekend, but one day he woke up early and decided to brave the crowds and hit the trail. It seemed like most of the city had the same idea. The lower parking lot was full and the upper lot was filling up fast by the time he pulled in about 7am. It was already warming up to be a roaster. He was glad he had decided not to bring Hershey today. He was on Piestewa Peak and dogs aren't allowed on this trail. With the trail this crowded Hershey just didn't seem to fit. He took off at a casual run and paid more attention than usual to the people and wildlife on the trail. Up in the distance he noticed two women about his age making pretty good time in front of him. The mountain was usually filled with young, hard bodies running so he noticed when people in his age range were keeping up with the pack. He gained on them fairly quickly and as he came up behind them he couldn't help but notice their tan, lightly muscled legs. He knew Shari would have appreciated with a little envy their fast, effortless gate and strong muscles. They called out a greeting and stepped to the side so he could pass as he came up behind them. Their voices were friendly and they were laughing about something as he went by. For some reason the exchange left him feeling a little bereft. He shook off the feeling and continued.

The top of Piestewa peak is jagged and small so he usually did a quick turn around and headed back down but today he felt the need to stand on the top for a minute and stare out at the landscape. He was enjoying the view and trying not to contemplate anything too serious when the women reached the summit behind him. They greeted him cheerily, "hey, there's the trailgater who almost ran us over," They smiled and waved.

Todd turned red and grinned sheepishly back at them. He hadn't had many exchanges with women in a long time and he wasn't sure if this was friendly or flirty so he just waved casually. They turned and started back down and left Todd on the summit thinking about maybe someday finding another companion to share his life with. It would have to take some kind of miraculous intervention for him to find anyone. Unless she dropped in to his lap he wasn't likely to make any overtures on his own.

With a pathetic shake of his head he started down the mountain. About ½ way down the trail a small crowd had gathered. Someone was blocking the trail and from the concerned comments he surmised that an accident had occurred. With the trail at a standstill he wasn't going anywhere anyway so he stretched up high on his tiptoes to see what the holdup was. Todd was surprised and a little alarmed to see one of the two friendly women who had recently joked with him was doubled over in pain and struggling to stay on her feet. He met the glance of her friend who looked worried as well as sympathetic and she smiled in recognition. "Jaclyn slipped on a loose rock and turned her ankle. It's swelling up and very painful. She really can't put any weight on it."

Todd worked his way forward as the crowd thinned and people moved up or down the narrow trail. He bent down close to see the damage. "Jaclyn, do you think if your friend and I supported you on either side you could limp down the mountain, or do you need for us to call the paramedics?"

"I can definitely make it with your help," Jaclyn smiled her gratitude through a clenched jaw. She may be in pain but no self respecting hiker wanted to be featured on the evening news getting a helicopter ride off of a mountain, or worse, carried down by paramedics on a stretcher. There was no question though she wouldn't to be able to get off of the mountain without help.

"Well, it's not getting any less painful or any less swollen as we sit here so let's get started." Jaclyn stood and grimaced slightly as she straightened out the swollen foot and kept it bent behind her.

Todd positioned himself awkwardly at her side while her friend clamped her arm around Jaclyn's waist and wrapped Jaclyn's free arm over her shoulder. Todd gently tucked his arm around her waist from the other side and bent over so she could wrap an arm around his shoulder. "It looks like my knight in shining armor is a little too tall," Jaclyn laughed to ease the tension as she saw the uncertainty in his face. As a group they slowly limped down the trail with Todd doing more carrying than supporting.

When they stopped for a break Jaclyn introduced them. "By the way, she said, "the clumsy hiker you rescued, that's me, my name is Jaclyn and this is my friend Alecia. What can we call you Lancelot.?"

Todd smiled at her ability to defuse an uncomfortable situation. "I'm Todd," He tried to think of something clever to say but his tongue felt fat in his mouth so he just smiled instead.

They had hobbled down nearly the entire mountain when Todd started to feel self conscious about his sweat soaked shirt and an unappealing odor that he was pretty sure was coming from him. He had been hiking hard in the heat before he volunteered to support Jaclyn down the mountain. Now, he was literally dripping sweat. Jaclyn's arm was wrapped around his shoulders so he knew she was aware of the increasing moisture. When he couldn't ignore it any longer he tried for a light apology. "Sorry about the sweat and stench ladies. I guess I'm not in as good of shape as I thought I was."

Fortunately, Jaclyn had a quick, witty response, "Don't worry Todd. I can hardly notice you over Alicia's smell. She is infinitely stinkier than you.

"Hello, right here," Alecia reminder her friend with feigned annoyance.

Jaclyn just laughed. "She's a little sensitive about it. But that's OK because she knows that I love her even if she is sweaty and stinky." Before the conversation could lull, Jaclyn added, "I can't thank you enough for helping me Todd. I promise not even to tell your wife that I had my arms around you all morning."

Todd wasn't sure because he was so out of practice but it sounded a little flirty to him so of course he turned red and his tongue tangled. "She wouldn't mind if I explained the situation to her. I mean if I had a wife, which I don't. Well, technically I still do but she passed away so I kind of don't." Gees, did he really just stammer that out? Even Jaclyn and Alecia didn't have a response for that lame comment. Todd wondered briefly if she had been "fishing" to find out if he was married. Well, he pretty much took care of any interest in that area.

"I'm sorry to hear about your wife," Jaclyn offered. "I'm guessing it hasn't been that long since you lost her."

"A few months short of a year. Sometimes it seems like much much longer and sometimes it seems like yesterday."Todd signed and the sadness was still in his voice.

By now they were just about to the parking lot and Jaclyn paused on the trail and looked up into his red face. "Well, I think she was a very lucky woman to have such a gallant husband."

Todd felt a little flip flop of something in his stomach and he swallowed hard. She was pretty, even when her face was contorted in pain. Her dark hair was pulled back in a clip and little tendrils had escaped and framed her face. She had big brown eyes, lots of laugh lines and a strong healthy body. He actually liked being around her.

"I hope you're OK," Todd ventured. "Do you want me to call your husband for you or anything?" Sheez, he nearly cringed visibly. That was such obvious fishing. Even Jaclyn and Alecia had to have seen it. They did, but they were too polite to tease him about it. "No husband," Jaclyn offered, "not even a concerned boyfriend to call. I'll just have to cry my heart out to my overprotective cat "Mr. Magic."

As she limped the last few feet to the car they had driven in, Jaclyn decided to throw him a bone. "I bet I'll be back on this mountain by 2 weeks from today, at this very time." Yes, it was a little obvious, but something told her Todd might be worth making a fool of herself.

"Well, then maybe I'll see you here." Todd said as he waved goodbye. He got into his truck, rolled down the windows and cranked the radio to an old 80's station just as "Don't stop Believing" blared out at him. He hadn't felt so optimistic about the future in nearly a year. Maybe someday he could find someone who he could at least share part of his life with. It gave him a little flash of hope in his heart. He was singing along with the radio as he drove towards home.

For two weeks he thought about what to do when he saw Jaclyn again. If she showed up at all. If he showed up at all. His heart picked up speed when he thought about seeing her again, but his mind still screeched to a halt when he thought about Shari. One thing he loved about Shari was the companionship and friendship she had always provided in their relationship. He rationalized that he wouldn't miss it so much now if he hadn't had a lifetime filled with it. He really felt like she would want him to find friendship and companionship again, wouldn't she? He ran his fingers through his hair and yanked on the roots. It was hurting his brain to work this hard on something. He flip flopped back and forth about whether he was ready to meet another woman all week long. He would just about convince himself of one thing and then the opposite argument would rear its ugly head. It was all too much.

Saturday morning, two weeks from the original meeting Todd was awake at daybreak. It was looking to be a scorching hot day and he knew if he and Hershey were going to hike they'd have to get going. He had started and stopped so many times this morning there were skid marks from his hiking shoes on the tile floor. In the end he couldn't do it. It felt too weird to be scheming on another woman. He tore off his hiking shoes, put a dejected Hershey out in the yard and paced around the house. In the next few hours he snapped at a telemarketer, broke a dish when he put it down on the counter too hard, and yelled at three different television stations before he started to wonder if he had made a mistake.

Jaclyn was on his mind way too much the following week. It was crazy to think about her so much. Something was definitely wrong with him. On Wednesday he decided to try an experiment. Maybe he was just lonely for human interaction. Wednesday, Thursday and Friday Todd called family and friends and spent every spare minute enjoying their company. It did ease the loneliness but he was exhausted from working so hard at it. Inside Todd knew he would never continue to put that much effort into keeping himself from being lonely. It had always been so easy before. He daydreamed about the relaxed, casual evenings he and Shari had shared so often, just visiting, enjoying nature, a television program, a walk or a little work in the yard. It dawned on him as he reminisced that he probably had taken for granted how much he enjoyed coming home from work all those years knowing someone was there to ask him about his day, share a meal and plan a little evening activity. The realization brought a misty expression to his eyes. "If I could go back to one of those nights with Shari I would scoop her up in my arms, spin her around and tell her she made me the happiest man in the world and I would cherish every minute of our time together."

Todd went to bed Friday feeling melancholy and still not sure what he was going to do about Saturday morning. He had missed Jaclyn the week before but she might be there again this Saturday. He slept restlessly and woke early. He could have gone hiking early and guaranteed missing her but he found numerous outside chores to do to keep him busy. He watched the clock like a teenager before his first date. When he was checking his hair in the mirror for the 2nd time he glared at his reflection, "Who does their hair before they go hiking," he scowled? He knew then that he was going to the mountain and he was hoping to see Jaclyn again. Once he admitted it to himself he could actually look forward to it. He was just headed out the door when the phone rang. He saw that it was Cami so he automatically poked the accept button and answered.

"Hey dad, what are you doing this morning?"

"Just hiking Piestewa. Why what's up" he asked?

"Nothing, I just called to say hi. You sound like you're out of breath. Is everything ok? Are you up to something, she asked suspiciously?

How did she do that? Her mother was the same way. She could tell from a phone conversation when he was hiding something. Frankly, it was annoying.

"Look Cami, I'll call you later. I'm anxious to get going." Todd knew he had to get off the phone soon or she'd be grilling him about Jaclyn and he definitely wasn't ready to say anything about her yet.

Cami looked at the dead cell phone in her hand. He was clearly up to something.

Todd got to the mountain a little later than he planned and even though he scanned the trail he didn't see the two women anywhere. He spent several long minutes stretching, hoping to catch a glimpse of them but to no avail. He was surprised how disappointed he was. With so much anxiety to burn up Todd kept pace by running at almost full speed. The trail curved around the mountain on the back side and provided a short respite of shade and as they neared the top. Todd came to a screeching halt when he came around the corner and saw Jaclyn and Alecia resting on a rock in the shade.

"Hi there Lancelot. It's good to see you." Jaclyn sounded confident but her eyes searched his to see if he was disappointed to run into her again.

Her look of uncertainty was all Todd needed to give him a boost. Suddenly, he felt good about seeing her again and excited about getting to know her better. The anxiety was gone, replaced by a confidence that Shari would indeed approve of this. "It's good to see you too. I'm sorry I missed you last week. I've been trying to decide if I'm ready to be friends with a woman yet." He decided to be honest right up front about his absence.

"And?" Jaclyn questioned. She looked down and wiggled the ankle encased in a cloth brace.

"I am," he said it confidently and with conviction. "Would you like to have dinner with me tonight?"

"I would. But that would require me actually making it down this mountain before dinner time and right now that is looking questionable. I keep making Alecia stop so I can rest my ankle."

"Would you like some help, he offered?

"No, you finish going up and you'll undoubtedly pass us on your way down. We'll see you then." She waved him off with a smile.

Todd sprinted the last few hindered yards. Behind his burning lungs his heart was doing little jumping jacks. He had a date. His first "first" date in over 30 years. He was pretty sure the nerves would set in later today, but right now he just felt excitement.

He caught the two women with a little over 1/4 of the mountain to finish and he slowed his pace to walk with them. They talked casually about Jaclyn's recovery, their weeks and where they might go for dinner. When they got to the parking lot they traded cell phone numbers and Jaclyn promised to text him her address. She smiled as she waved goodbye and Todd stood in the parking lot grinning like an idiot for several minutes after she drove away.

When Jaclyn opened the door several hours later, Todd took one look at her and began to hyperventilate. She was wearing a yellow sundress and her arms and legs were tanned and toned. Her smile hinted at inner joy and contentment. If she looked good on the mountain, she was even prettier dressed for dinner out. He was still trying to figure out how to breathe when he thrust some flowers into her hands. Jaclyn was pretty sure she knew what was going on. She invited him in, hiding her grin behind the bouquet. He really was old school. She knew she was the first woman he had dated since his wife's death and he would probably do a handful of dumb things before the night was over but he really was a good man. Regardless of where this friendship went, Jaclyn decided to do everything in her power to make this evening as easy and enjoyable for Todd as she possibly could.

They shared stories over dinner and got to know each other better. She was a marginally successful travel agent who loved to travel the world trying out everything from humanitarian trips to photography safaris. Her husband had left several years ago to prove he could still be successful with women half his age. By the time he left she was tired of trying to hang on so it was more of a relief than heartbreak. She had friends, family and a job she loved but had never been blessed with children of her own. He talked about his wife, and was surprised that it didn't seem awkward or uncomfortable to be talking to his date about his wife. She asked pointed questions about Shari's personality and their life together and smiled when he laughed fondly at the memories. He talked about his kids and still teared up when he talked about Mark and his heroic sacrifice to be with his mom at the end.

Jaclyn was warmed by his love for these people and stunned that so much happiness and love existed in one family. She had set out this evening to try and make this a positive experience for Todd but found more and more that she was feeling drawn with admiration to this man who loved so deeply and completely everyone in his life.

They laughed about bizarre places they had visited, things they wanted to do, and things they never wanted to do. He was stunned when she said she wanted to visit the worlds' best roller coasters and ride them all. The one thing Shari had never wanted any part of was his love for stomach dropping, jaw rattling roller coasters. He loved them with a feverish passion of adrenaline. He was beyond pleased to see that Jaclyn did too, but he thought he'd save that conversation for another time.

They talked easily the entire night until Todd walked her to the door. An awkward silence settled on them both. Todd started sweating and looked down at his hands. Would a hand shake be too weird? Jaclyn swooped into the rescue, as had been her nature all evening. She faced him, took both of his clammy palms in hers and looked into his startled eyes. "I had a wonderful time, and now that you have my number I hope you call me again sometime. Good night Todd." She squeezed his hands lightly, and then dropped them as she turned to let herself into her house.

Todd moved very slowly over the next several weeks. He and Hershey hiked with Jaclyn and Alecia every Saturday morning and then he called her sometime during the week, usually on Wednesday night because that was as long as he could go without talking to her, and they went out somewhere to eat or check out a show, a concert, a museum or an art exhibit. He thought about her almost as much as he thought about Shari and still struggled with whether that was ok or not. One night as he and Jaclyn laughed at something that was said he grew quiet and then paid her the most sincere compliment he could. "I think Shari would have really liked you Jaclyn." He really meant it and Jaclyn seemed pleased that he said it.

Todd knew it was time to tell his kids about his dating life. A part of him dreaded it but a part of him wanted to share his newfound excitement with those he loved. He was pretty confident that Tyson would take it well but he wasn't so sure about Cami. He really didn't know what to expect from Marci. After a few weeks of thought he decided to talk to Tyson first and see how things went.

Todd and Tyson had scheduled a day of high speed driving instruction at the Bounderant School of High Performance Racing at Firebird raceway and both men were looking forward to some tire squealing speed when they checked in at the welcome desk. The two had started to really enjoy their father son activities and found they had a lot more interests in common than either of them knew.

Todd paid for the program and both men signed liability waivers.

"You gotta love it when the first thing you do is sign the "you can't sue me if you die" form," Tyson joked as he nonchalantly signed the waiver.

"I'm looking forward to this more than I anticipated," Todd said with an irrepressible smile as he gave the form a cursory read and signed. "I hope it's a good experience."

"Of course it will be a good experience," Tyson grinned, "You're paying for it. Anything is enjoyable when I don't have to pay for it."

Todd laughed at his son's attitude. "Yeah, well, lunch says I can get more speed around the track while keeping my wheels on the turf than you can."

"Whoa old man. You just bought yourself a lunch date," Tyson loved competition almost as much as the idea of driving a high performance race car.

While the two found a head sock and a helmet that fit they had a few minutes alone. Todd decided to bring up the subject of his new friend.

"Hey Tyson, how would you feel about me dating?" Todd was nothing if not direct.

Tyson was a little stunned but shook it off quickly. "I think that's great dad, if you're sure you're ready for that. I hadn't really thought about it but I can't really imagine you spending the rest of your life alone, even with enormously engaging offspring like us."

"I met a woman hiking and I wanted to talk to you and Cami about her before you hear about me showing up somewhere with a date," Todd explained.

"I'll look forward to meeting her," Tyson knew he'd spend the next few hours mulling this new information over in his head trying to figure out how he felt about it.

After a short orientation the students were taken to the race track and assigned a Camero with a pace car to follow. They were to get the feel of the track by following a pace car for a few laps at a required minimum distance and then the speed would increase with their capacity to stay with the pace car. Tyson, Todd and one other driver were all following the same pace car at equal distances behind one another. As they entered their cars the pace car driver cautioned, "If you can't keep up, you will be asked to leave the course." That was all the incentive they needed.

At first the new cars, the unfamiliar track and the nerves kept them white knuckling the steering wheel but as they learned when to hug the inside corners and when to accelerate out of a turn they all began to pick up speed. Tires screeched around corners and an occasional cloud of dust indicated someone cut a corner a little too sharp but after a dozen laps or so the cars were flying around curves and handling beautifully. Both speed junkies were having the time of their lives.

On the final lap they came in hot and hit the brakes hard, jumping out to high five each other like high school football heroes. "That was awesome," Tyson's eyes were wide with excitement. I just want to get in there and keep going faster and faster all day."

Todd was equally pumped. "I was a little nervous at first about the whole pace car thing, but I gotta admit, I loved it."

After the other racers had a turn the course instructors brought out the big money cars. Corvettes worth more than Todd paid for his house rolled out onto the racetrack. Each bright yellow and black car had a professional race car driver behind the wheel. Tyson jumped into the first one that rolled to a stop and was still fastening his whole body harness when someone slammed the door and the driver left a patch of rubber on the track. He drove nearly twice as fast as they had and took every corner expertly, as they roared around the track. Todd was hot on his tail in another Corvette and his driver was just a little more reckless than Tyson's. He was making sure Todd had an experience to remember.

The grins on their faces when they exited the Corvette's said more than any words could have. As they removed their helmets and thanked the instructors Tyson casually said, "You know dad, I've been thinking a little about mom's last day and the things she said in the stairwell. I've never met anyone so honestly selfless in my life and I can't help but believe that the way she loved you she really wouldn't have wanted you to spend the rest of your life alone."

Todd tried to respond but the comment hit a raw spot somewhere and so he clenched his jaw and willed his eyes to remain dry and his voice not to crack. "Thanks son," was all he got out. But it was accompanied by a bear hug that lasted a little longer than was necessary.

Riding on a high from the race and Tyson's comment, Todd decided to call the girls. He knew from past experience that Cami didn't like change and didn't usually respond well at first to new ideas. Given a little time to process however, he was sure she would be supportive and encouraging.

"Hey sweetheart, how are you," he called to ask?

"Good, just getting the baby down for the night and then spending a little quality time with her daddy. What are you up to?"

"Well, I wanted to talk to you about something that's been on my mind for awhile. How would you feel about me dating?" Being direct had worked with Tyson so he decided to give it a try with Cami.

He heard her take a deep breath. "Well, I'm not sure I'm ready for it yet, but I've known it was coming since that day in your kitchen when I realized half of mom's single friends were already coming over to check on you. A guy like you doesn't have to stay single if he doesn't want to and I would never expect you to stay single just to appease me. It may take me some time to adjust to seeing you with someone or hearing about someone else but I promise you dad, I'll try really hard to be happy for you."

"That's all I could ask honey. I appreciate your honesty. I'll keep you filled in on what happens with me. Now go and wrap your arms around that neglected man of yours, "Todd said with relief.

Cami hung up the phone, and went to find her husband. He took one look at her face, opened his arms, and she melted into them. Her body shook with her sobs. "What's wrong honey," Sean asked tenderly?

"Nothing," she admitted, "I'm just not ready for things to change." Through inelegant little sobbing snorts Cami told Sean about her conversation with her father. He knew her well enough to understand her myriad of emotions. He couldn't really help her deal with what she was feeling because even she didn't really know which of the sentiments had top billing in this emotional display. She was happy for her father and excited about his future, but sad for the loss of the relationship her parents had that defined her life. She was secure in the knowledge of her father's love, but jealous of any new woman in his life. She was anxious to get to know a woman her father dated, but fearful of comparing that woman to her mother.

Cami sighed loudly and snuggled deeper into her husband's arms. Change was inevitable and she had to learn to accept and roll a little better, but when she was surrounded by so much love it was hard to let go of the fragile control she had over her little part of the world.

The phone call to Marci was easier. Liz had mentioned to him that Marci was ready to start dating and had found someone she might like to go out with. She sounded almost relieved when Todd told her that he too was thinking about dating again. They wished each other well, talked about family things for a moment and then ended the conversation.

# Chapter 21

A few months prior to Shari's upcoming birthday, Todd had called all of the kids and asked them to help him get through the day by taking a little memorial hike up to Shari's favorite mountain with him in the early morning hours of the day. Almost a full year had passed and it had been the most excruciating year of any of their lives. Todd hoped that after all of the pain and guilt and sorrow this would mark the beginning of an opportunity to move onto the next chapters of their lives. Each of the kids accepted the invitation whole heartedly and planned their schedules months in advance to be there with their father and Marci on the one year anniversary of the earthquake that altered their lives forever.

In the days leading up to Shari's birthday Todd began to forget things at work. He didn't sleep well at night and during the day he was edgy and temperamental. It was almost as if this day would be a final memorial and he would have to acknowledge that the mourning period had passed and he was expected to move on. The idea left a knot in his stomach. He paced the kitchen floor at night, trying to figure out what was wrong with him. He debated canceling the hike, but in his heart he felt like it was important. He hadn't climbed that particular mountain since that day with Shari and he knew the memories would be raw.

Shari's birthday dawned clear and bright, as it usually did in Phoenix. Shari had often commented on how fortunate she was to have a birthday in the most beautiful month of the year in Phoenix. She could be outside all day and enjoy every minute of it. On this day, the temperature was in the early 70's and not a cloud marred the cornflower blue sky.

Tyson woke up early, before the sun rose. He had slept restlessly and as he lay beside his sleeping wife he stacked his hands behind his head and stared into the darkness. He projected calm and confidence in his life once again but in the secret recess of his soul he often still questioned his actions that day a year ago. Not a day went by that he didn't think about his brother and his mom and the hole their loss left in his life. He had quit replaying the scene from the stairwell many months ago, but love for those two ran deep in his heart and it was hard to move past the experience entirely. When he looked into Kylee's tiny little face, so full of trust and worship he wondered as she grew and better understood the story, how she'd feel about her father, especially during those often tumultuous teenage years. He wondered if she'd remember her grandmother at all.

He leaned over and woke his wife with a kiss on the forehead. She opened her sleepy eyes and smiled at him. She knew he'd been looking forward to and dreading this day for quite some time and she read the insecurity in his eyes. Liz wrapped her arms around him and slowly began to stroke the muscles of his upper back. She reigned tiny kisses on his face and watch the doubt fade from his face.

"Honey, do you think you can get Kenny in the backpack and put Kylee in the car and meet me at the mountain? I think I'd like to go up a little early and spend a few minutes there by myself." Tyson tentatively asked the question.

"Sure sweetheart. I can even get the two of them to the top if you want to just wait there for us. North isn't that high of a climb and Kylee is a tough little bugger. She can make it and I'll have Kenny in the backpack."

"No, I'd like to meet you in the parking lot and hike to the top with you. I just want a little while alone there. I'll meet you at about 8 in the south parking lot." Before he finished speaking Tyson was up and headed for the shower.

He took his time in a long hot shower and tried sorting through his thoughts. He put on jeans and a pair of hiking boots, a T-shirt and grabbed a water bottle. He ate an apple on the way out the door and was on the road to North Mountain just as the sun began peeking over the horizon.

North Mountain is a mostly paved, easy hike with steep inclines and a breathtaking view of the city on all sides from the top. He had hiked it too many times to count with his mom as he grew up. It had long been one of her favorites and the memories of hikes as a child flooded his mind. He was 3 or 4 and his dad and mom were hiking beside him with Mark in the backpack. His legs were tired and he wanted to quit but his dad kept encouraging him, first verbally and then by holding his hand as they walked up the steep hills. His mom distracted him by pointing out the lizards and caterpillars and birds on the mountain and he ran in short bursts and then stopped to rest often. It was only when he fell down while running on a downhill stretch and skinned his knee that his dad had scooped him up in his arms and carried him up the last of the hill on his shoulders. That was before his mom's hips had started to debilitate her and she had been able to hike the mountain easily with the added weight of a child in the backpack.

There were more challenging mountains in the area that his mom often hiked but she always thought that North mountain was the perfect place to introduce her kids to a lifelong love of hiking and the vistas at the top. He remembered the first time he made it all the way to the top without any help just before he entered kindergarten and they went out to celebrate with a Happy Meal at McDonalds. His mind rolled back to the times in high school he ran sprints up and down the steepest part to get in shape for sports while his mother hiked up and back. One night in particular before he left for college the whole family had picnicked at the base and then hiked the mountain to watch the sunset. The kids had laughed, raced and teased each other up the mountain but whenever they turned around their parents were on the hill behind them, hand in hand slowly making their way to the top. They stopped on the western side and watched the sun set, then hiked to the top and sat on the bench to watch the city lights come on below and the stars emerge above. It was one of those fond memories of a secure childhood that lingered in your heart bringing contentment when you needed it most. That might have been the last time he hiked this mountain with his mother. He couldn't remember another time. But the joy in her face sparkled in her eyes as she stood on the mountain with the people she loved most in the whole world surrounding her. Tyson smiled at the memory. His mom had this way of ruining any moment by making some sappy comment that made them all uncomfortable. He didn't remember exactly what it was, but she had done it again that night. Something about family being your best friends that he and his siblings had immediately dismissed. They always teased her about the emotion in her voice when she spoke but it never seemed to keep her from doing it. Now that picture in his mind was one he cherished.

Tyson hiked to the top where the pavement ended and then on a tiny trail around the peak where he could sit on a rock and see the view, and be alone. He watched the city come to life as the sun welcomed the morning. He thought about his mom and he thought about his brother.

He sat for a long time just thinking and remembering and then it just seemed natural to talk to his mom. He had never felt like her gravesite really housed anything more than her body, but up here he felt the strength of her spirit. If she could ever hear him it would be right here in this place she loved. "Aw mom, I miss you. I would give almost anything to have you back in my life again." Tyson knew as he spoke, the one thing he wouldn't give was the little family headed to the mountain right now. That's really where it all had started anyway wasn't it? It was about his love for his mom and his love for his new precious family. They were the two most important things in his life.

"I've relived that scene in the stairwell a thousand times in my mind and I still don't know what I could have done differently. I'll never forget your face that day or the pleading in your voice. I felt so much fear and indecision internally, but from you only love." Tyson hesitated. He knew that's not really what he wanted to say.

"I guess I needed a few minutes alone today to thank you. Thanks for knowing what I needed to do even when I didn't. For pushing me away when I couldn't make myself leave. For your confidence in death and your faith in God that let you make such a sacrifice. Thank you for knowing how much Liz, Kylee and Kenny needed me and how much I needed them to make me a better man, worthy of their love. Mom, you showed me what family love really is all about and I promise to be a son you can be proud of, and to love like you do, perfectly unselfish. If it's possible watch over me mom and help me."

Tyson blew a kiss into the wind. "I love you mom. I always will" He stood up and made his way back down the mountain. As he started down the last incline he heard Kylee yell, "I Spy", and his heart smiled a little.

When he shaded his eyes he could see her little body jumping up and down on top of the picnic table waving frantically and yelling, "Hi daddy" at the top of her lungs. He waved back and increased his pace. Kylee ran up the trail to meet him and he scooped her up in his arms. He met Liz by the car, putting Kenny and the water bottles into the backpack just as his dad's SUV pulled into the lot with Cami and Sean and baby Laura. Tyson had known they'd be there and it was always so good to have everyone together. They all piled out of the car and 18 month old Laura ran over to join her cousins. Sean hadn't brought a backpack but the mountain was a casual hike for him and he could easily do it with Laura riding on his shoulders.

Everyone exchanged hugs all around and it was obvious that emotions were on the surface. They waited a few minutes for Marci and Eli to pull into the parking lot and as she opened the trunk to get the backpack out for Eli, he ran to join his cousins. He had missed them since he'd been at day care lately and was anxious to be around them again. Kylee was already bossing around the rest of them when they were ready to hike. Todd offered to take Eli's backpack and Marci consented. "He will probably want to hike most of the way, especially if Kylee is going to. If he gets tired it will be nice to have." Todd loaded up the back pack and led the way up the trail. Since it was a weekday there wasn't much traffic on the mountain and they could let the kids go at their own pace as long as they stayed close. They talked casually about what was going on in their lives as they climbed, and they laughed easily together. They stopped often to let the kids rest and went at a leisurely pace. It still took less than 30 minutes to climb to the top.

They reached the top and sat down to rest for a minute on the bench. The kids ran around peering over every edge. Most of the edges were a gradual descent so the adults weren't overly worried about a fall. The kids seemed to have a healthy fear of heights.

They all sat on the benches and surrounding rocks and Todd started talking. "I appreciate you all being here with me today. This is a hard day. I thought maybe after today I could move on, but I realize I'll never really move on. Shari is my life and always will be. Mark is my son and always will be. I'll never move past them, but it doesn't mean I can't keep trying to find happiness in the time I have left on this earth. I hope you can all find moments of supreme joy in your lives. I know Shari better than anyone on this earth and I can promise you that the one thing Shari would have wanted was for you to love each other and live your life filled with joy. We've had a lot of tears and sorrow, but I'm hoping we can focus now on what a blessing it was to have those two in our lives. The things we learned from them, the joys we shared with them and the gifts they gave us will always be with us. When we think of them now, let's try to think of the moments that made us laugh or smile and be glad for the time we had them."

It was silent for a moment and the wind whispered quietly through the bushes. Cami pushed a lock of hair from her eyes and said, "Well, I have an announcement. Sean and I are going to have another baby. We are very excited, and if it's ok with you we'd like to name our baby after one of our very favorite people in the whole world. If it's a boy we'd like to name him Mark." She glanced hesitantly at Marci and Marci smiled and nodded her approval. "If it's a girl we'd like to name her Sharilyn after her grandmother." Todd was beaming his approval. Cami hesitated slightly, "I guess I like to think the baby and mom and Mark are already great friends somewhere."

Congratulations made the rounds. Kylee was attempting to explain to Laura what it meant to have a baby but the younger girl was busy trying to step on a caterpillar.

Marci toyed with Eli's hair and looked at the ground as she spoke, "I'd like to thank you all for your love and support this past year. I know I haven't been easy to be around and I wanted to let you know that I'm waking up most mornings now with a desire to face the day and a hope that someday I can be filled with joy again. That's a big step from where I was even 6 months ago. Mark was such an incredible person. I know I'll always miss him but I'm trying to be the positive, happy mother to Eli that he would have wanted his son to have. I want Eli to get to know his father a little bit so I'm making a video scrapbook of his life. Sort of a life story that includes photos, video of him playing the piano and singing and spending time with Eli and I and I'm even thinking of including a few comments from close friends and family members. I guess it will culminate with memorabilia from the charity race." She turned quiet and waited for a response.

Tyson, sitting on a rock nearby, reached out and squeezed her hand. "I think that is a great idea Marci. I want you to know that I consider Mark a true hero and I always will. I'm writing down the details of everything I remember from our final conversations in the stairwell a year ago in case you or Eli ever feel the need to better understand any part of it. I hope to be an influence in Eli's life as he grows up and let him know how much I admired and loved his father. He was one of the greatest men I've ever known and he proved it with his final decision." Marci let the tears that had been simmering on the surface all day slide unchecked down her cheeks.

Todd looked around him at his children and grandchildren, and he was filled with contentment. It may not exactly be joy, but it was a start in that direction. He looked out over the city that he loved and remember a year ago when Shari stood here with her hair blowing in the breeze. When he spoke his voice was filled with love, "Your mother loved this mountain and both she and Mark loved hiking. I thought you guys might like to know that I bought a couple of memorial benches with their names engraved in the stone. I would love to put one on this mountain but you're already sitting on one here. I think Shari would have liked one at Lake Pleasant Regional Park at her favorite look out over Honeymoon Cove. I'm thinking of putting one for Mark on top of Camelback Mountain where he loved the view."

Cami reached over and hugged her father. "They would love that dad. It will be fun for our kids to grow up, hike those mountains, and remember the stories of mom and Mark."

Sean put Laura on his shoulders and took his wife's hand. Tyson took Marci's hand and wrapped his other arm around Liz's shoulder. Kenny, Kylee and Eli gathered around their parents legs' and Todd stood behind the group with his arms around as many shoulders as he could reach. Together they looked out over the city. Todd's voice rose slightly with emotion as he said, "We're going to make it Shari. We're going to be ok."

###

About the author:

Kristy Sawtelle is a professional storyteller and speaker when she's not at home with her husband and 5 kids. She loves romantic getaways, teaching, and hiking the mountains around her Phoenix home.

Connect with Me Online:

<https://www.smashwords.com/profile/view/kristysawtelle>

