[MUSIC PLAYING]
NADIM SAAD: Thank you
very much, Louise.
Thank you for inviting me.
And I'm delighted to be back.
I'm actually always
happy to talk on Google.
You have a very
particular company culture
that I really admire.
I'll give you an example of what
happened last time I came here.
I had a talk, and it was about
my previous book, "The Working
Parent's Guide to Raising
Happy and Confident Children."
And it's all about the
parallels between leadership
and parenting, and the
fact that the sciences
are very, very similar.
So during the talk, I actually
explained the importance
of rules and sticking to rules.
And then at the end
of the talk there
was one of your colleagues
who says, well, this
is all well and
good, but how do you
make sure that our
children break the rules?
Come back, OK, this is
typical Google thinking.
I tried to answer.
I said, you know, it's
really important to being
independent thinkers,
to question the rules,
but it's also important
to follow rules.
And then a few minutes later
I have another colleague
who says, but how do you
make sure that they do
break the rules?
And I'm like, OK, I guess
I wasn't convincing enough.
And so the answer I come
up with now is, have you
ever heard of brules?
So it's Vishen Lakhiani,
the founder of "Mindvalley,"
who coined that.
And basically it's
bullshit rules.
So it's important to teach
our kids that there are brules
and there are rules.
And the rules can be
questioned and broken.
But there are rules-- for
example, if you have privacy--
content that you
want them to see,
how many hours of
social media or screens
they're allowed to
watch, you know,
you don't want them
to be negotiating
with you all the time.
And so there are
rules and brules.
So I won't talk a lot
about rules, actually,
today, because it's
all about confidence.
There are rules to confidence.
But I'm going to
talk more about this.
So I got interested
in confidence
because, as I was
a parenting coach,
I discovered that my eldest
daughter was dyslexic.
And she wasn't doing--
well, she was really
struggling with reading.
And I thought I needed
to help her because it
was affecting her self-esteem.
So I came across this
story of Dominic O'Brien.
Anyone's heard of
Dominic O'Brien?
Yeah, I expected that.
So, the way Dominic felt
when he was around 10
was that he "was
diagnosed with dyslexia.
I failed most of my exams,
and couldn't concentrate.
I had very limited self-belief."
And actually, most of his
life, that's how he felt--
until he turned 13.
Thankfully he was
watching the BBC.
And he saw a memory champion
memorizing a pack of cards.
He thought wow, that's amazing.
And so he actually
tried to do the same.
He put a lot of effort into it.
He ended up managing to do that.
He felt really proud.
Not something he had actually
a lot of experience with.
And he ended up just
going into that,
really loving it, putting
a lot of effort into it.
And he became eight times
world memory champion.
And as you know, at 30, memory
starts increasing, actually,
for anyone who's in the
room, if you feel the same.
So it's quite an amazing feat.
And his claim to
fame is actually
he memorized 54 packs of cards.
He became Guinness
Book of World Records--
2,808 cards by just
watching them once.
And so for me, it
was really amazing.
Because he was dyslexic,
and he struggled,
and it took him the
best part of 30 years
to actually find his passion.
So for me, obviously, the
first message I have for you is
never lose faith.
Because your children
might discover way after--
I know a lot of stories of
children going to university,
where they were
really bad in school
and they did amazingly
well, and obviously
a lot of children who
didn't go to university
and still did amazingly well.
So it is my first message--
self-esteem can
be transformative,
and it can be transformed.
And that's what I'm here
to talk to you about.
So interestingly,
then, I actually
started writing books about it.
And I wrote the "Raising
Confident Kids" book,
because I was convinced
that it was a message
worthwhile sharing.
And then a year and a half ago,
I had my eight-year-old who was
like--
we call this in French
"joie de vivre."
So she is very, you know,
basically, love of life--
so always smiley, amazing,
doing well academically.
She went through
a difficult time.
And I couldn't
understand what it was.
And she was being very
mean to her sisters.
She was really struggling.
And we had a lot of clashes,
because she was very stubborn.
We had a meaningful
conversation.
And during the conversation,
she told me, dad, I hate myself.
So you could imagine
that for any parent
this is heartbreaking.
For a parenting coach, who's
supposed to know something
about relationship and kids,
and who didn't see this coming,
that was a real big
shock to my system.
And that's why
actually I changed.
I was basically-- I went
from Best of Parenting--
that was my-- and it was
all about creating toolboxes
for parents and enabling
them-- and so several of you,
actually, thankfully,
you had my books,
perhaps you came to
my previous talks,
so thanks for being back--
to realizing that it's not
just about educating parents.
But it's also about
educating our children.
Because there's
metacognition, this ability
we have as human beings
of analyzing our thoughts.
It's something that
increases significantly
at age seven and eight.
And that's a really
good time to teach
our children about emotional
intelligence and how to--
and growth mindset, et cetera.
I am going to run through
some of these things.
And so now the brand
is Happy Confident Me,
and it's all about confidence.
And because my life
purpose is now to make sure
that no kid on this planet will
ever say again, I hate myself.
Because the most
important relationship
we have in this world
is with ourselves.
And we often forget this,
particularly when we're young
and we're autopilot,
and we don't really
think about these things.
So hopefully,
after this talk you
will have a few things that
you can share with the kids,
and they will help you.
So the agenda for today.
First, I'm going to talk about
growth mindset versus fixed
mindset.
And I'm sure a lot of
the science of mindsets.
So I'll run you
through this quickly
but adapted to children.
I'll talk to you about common
mistakes most of us do,
and I still make them.
Tools to develop confidence
and resilience-- and so these
are going to be how to praise
to develop a growth mindset; how
to deal with mistakes;
how to help them discover
their individuality;
how to give them
more control and responsibility,
and why we should do that;
and finally, and help them
manage their feelings.
So first of all, growth
mindset versus fixed mindset.
I'm sure a lot of you
have heard of this.
It's Carol Dweck,
Professor at Stanford
now Columbia, who coined
this phrase, these terms.
And it is particularly
interesting,
because she actually
used children.
Now the mindset is
used a lot for adults.
But she would use children.
So what she did was
simple experiments.
She took a class
of 10-year-olds,
gave them a simple test.
They all did well.
And then she divided the class.
To part of the
class, she said, you
did really well in this test.
You must be smart.
You are smart.
And the other half, she said,
you did well in this test.
You must have worked hard.
You must have put
effort into it.
Then she gave them
a difficult test,
then they all failed
miserably, and then
another easy, medium test.
And then actually,
comparing the results,
one group did better
than the others.
Can you guess--
who thinks that is
the group who was told that
they're smart who did better?
Anyone?
Clearly everyone here knows
the science of mindset.
So obviously, the
ones who did better
are the ones who were told
that they put effort into it
and they worked hard.
What's interesting is actually
identifying what came out
of this research, is that there
are three-- when you tell kids
that they're smart,
or amazing, or all
of this evaluative praise
that we often use as parents,
three things can happen.
One, you can become lazy and
think, well, I'm smart anyway,
so I'm going to wing it.
And that's the story of my life.
Anyone else?
Like, basically just, were a bit
lazy because they were smart?
No one else?
A few?
The other thing that can
happen is that you can become--
you're very happy with this
acronym, with whatever,
with being smart.
And therefore, you become
afraid of not living up
to these expectations.
So we may be afraid
of challenges.
And that's a lot of-- most
of it is subconscious.
So you don't actually
take on new challenges,
because you're just very smart.
So you'll do the
minimum possible to stay
in this smart category.
The third group--
and that is actually
the ones who already
have lower self-esteem.
The issue with them
is, actually they're
going to tend to dismiss
what we tell them.
So they're the group to who were
constantly giving this praise
and you're, actually, but
come on, you're smart.
We're trying to convince
them that they're smart
and they can do it, because we
see that they're either shy,
or they're actually
not managing,
or they're not confident.
And the problem is, the
more we tell them this,
the less they actually trust our
judgment, because they already
have this inherent, I'm
not actually that good,
I'm not that smart.
So obviously, it'd be good
to be able to change this,
because this is the group that's
more at risk, because they
will-- well, it's very difficult
to change the self-esteem,
particularly by just
giving them praise.
So fixed mindset is
intelligence is a fixed rate.
With a growth
mindset, intelligence
is developed through
learning and practice.
With a fixed mindset, you
don't want to lose the label,
so you avoid challenges.
While in growth mindset,
you enjoy effort,
stretching, and applying skills.
In a fixed mindset, you're
afraid of failure and mistakes.
In the growth
mindset, your mistakes
are opportunities for learning.
And finally, in a fixed
mindset the motivation
is linked to praise and rewards,
whereas in a growth mindset
there is an intrinsic
motivation to do well.
And what's fascinating
about the science of mindset
is see how it
evolves across time.
So children at age five,
most of them have a--
actually, 100% of them
have a growth mindset.
As they grow, five years
later, almost half of them
have a fixed mindset.
And I can assure you that the
great, great majority, more
than 90%, have a mixed mindset.
And I'm a typical
example of mixed mindset.
I always felt I'm
an entrepreneur.
I took a lot of
risks in my life.
I made a lot of
mistakes and failures.
And I always--
I was quite resilient.
But there's one
thing that I realized
when I discovered the
science of mindset,
is that I have a mixed mindset.
I was convinced that
I'm not good at drawing.
I'm not good at singing.
And I thought that was it.
Anyone else actually
convinced they're not
very good at something?
Yeah.
So it's mixed mindset.
And that's what we actually--
we tend to go into, even if we
have a--
well, so this category,
growth mindset,
is actually-- the majority
have a mixed mindset.
So it's really important
to actually explain
to our children that they're
not good at something yet.
The power of yet--
I can send you a
poem about this--
is really powerful for kids.
And what happens
is, I just didn't
practice for the best part of
35 years drawing or singing.
I was not--
I didn't feel I was good
at it, and therefore, I
didn't practice it.
The reality is, if I
took courses in either,
I could become better.
I might not be the best, but
I can be good at anything.
It's all about prioritizing.
And this is what you
need to teach children,
is actually, they can
be good at anything
they put their mind to.
Again, they might
be not world-class,
but they can be
good at anything.
And so it's really important for
kids to actually understand how
the brain works, and
that neuroplasticity--
which is a term that you
may be familiar with--
and the fact that we
have new neural paths.
As we try new things,
we develop neural paths,
and we strengthen them, and
things become easier with time.
And so I'll show you a graph
that you can show your kids.
That's really useful
for that to explain
to them why they
need to persevere,
and why they can actually--
they could achieve.
So common mistakes
most of us make.
So I'm reading all this
research, and I'm thinking,
but is this true?
I mean, I was told I was smart,
amazing, and I turned out OK.
And I'm pretty confident.
So why make such a problem
of saying these things?
And then I had a revelation.
I was playing tennis
with a new tennis coach.
And so he was a big praiser.
So I'm playing, and
I'm playing quite well.
And he's, good, good, good.
And I'm feeling on top of the
world, really playing well.
Then about 15 minutes
into the game,
he probably got a bit tired.
And so he started saying
"good" about 50% of the time.
So I'm hitting a good ball,
and he doesn't say anything.
And then I hit one that I
don't feel is that good,
and he says "good."
Just like-- and I continue.
And I can assure
you, my game went--
I really couldn't play
that well anymore.
And I became a bit anxious.
I analyzed what happened
during the session after.
And I realized
that, in 15 minutes,
this coach got me
hooked on praise.
I was so happy with him.
You know, I felt, you know,
good, good, good, great.
And then suddenly,
I didn't get that.
And then I was like, oh,
am I actually playing well?
I'm not sure.
So it actually can
make us anxious.
And the second thing which
is so important is actually,
my self-evaluation of
my game disappeared.
I wasn't actually sure what was
good and was not good anymore.
So just imagine our
children, 18 years
of living with us, or more,
and receiving our judgment
most of the day, and
particularly if it's to praise,
and you use a lot of praise,
well, that can happen to them.
They're actually--
sometimes they
might not agree with
what you're telling them,
because they have
some self-evaluation.
Or sometimes, they
might think, well,
I didn't get anything for this.
So praise is a
double-edged sword.
So I'm going to talk
about-- basically,
so what's important is to
use other types of praise.
Because using the "good" or
the "amazing"-- even "amazing"
is actually a problem.
Because sounds great,
oh, you're amazing,
you did amazingly well.
The thing is, when we
don't, suddenly they
don't feel amazing.
Then they wonder if there's
a problem with them.
So it's an interesting
thing to think--
I mean, we're just
meaning the best,
and it doesn't always
come across for children.
So the effects of evaluative
praise is children end up doing
things for the praise--
the extrinsic motivation--
instead of children doing
things for themselves--
the intrinsic motivation.
And so what science shows
is that extrinsic motivation
supersedes intrinsic motivation.
So whenever we give
either praise or rewards,
it becomes the reason
for kids to do things,
rather than them wanting
to do it for themselves.
And we are born with a lot
of intrinsic motivation.
That's why our kids-- you
know, when we're kids,
we fall, we stand
up, we learn to do
all these amazing things like
walking, running, bicycling, et
cetera.
And we are not questioning.
We're just-- we're
super perseverant.
But with time, this goes.
And that's why it's really
important to actually
make sure we get it.
So there are two experiments
that are interesting to share.
One, they took children
between two and three,
and they told them, oh,
good sharing, good sharing.
They wanted to
improve the sharing.
And it did work.
Descriptive-- this
kind of praise
does work short-term,
because you're just--
kids are feeling
really good about it.
Oh, OK, I'll share.
The problem is, over
time, these kids
became less generous
than their peers,
because they were doing it
for the praise in the end.
They weren't doing it
because they thought
sharing is important-- is good.
Similarly, they took children
between three and four.
They give them great
pens, and they all
started drawing,
really happy to do it.
And then they divided
the group in two.
One part, they
didn't say anything.
And the other part
they said, oh, you're
going to be judged
for your drawings,
and someone will
get a prize if you--
and they analyzed the drawings.
The ones who weren't
told anything
were more creative overall.
The drawings were more
creative than the other group.
More importantly,
a week later they
gave them the
similar great pens.
They all started drawing.
The ones who weren't
told anything
drew a lot longer
than the ones who
were told they were
going to be judged
and they were going
to-- so over time, you
end up doing things for,
well, the marks, it's cool.
You end up doing things for
this extrinsic motivation
rather than because
you're convinced
that this is good for you.
So obviously, this is a drawback
that you have to make sure
that we don't fall into.
So effects of
evaluative praise is
that invites children
to change for others
and become approval junkies.
But what we want
is invite children
to change for themselves,
to have an inner direction.
And finally,
long-term, it becomes,
evaluative phrase gives
dependence on others
and feel worthwhile
when others approve,
while what we want,
obviously, for our children
is self-confidence
and self-reliance
and feel worthwhile
without approval of others.
So let's get into
how to achieve this.
What Carol Dweck
says is, "if parents
want to give their
children a gift,
the best thing they
can do is to teach
them to love challenges,
be intrigued by mistakes,
enjoy effort, and
keep on learning.
That way, their children don't
have to be slaves of praise.
They will have a lifelong
way to build and repair
their own confidence."
Wouldn't that be great?
So let's see how we
can achieve this.
So first of all, how to praise
to develop a growth mindset.
So we saw that praise obviously
is a double-edged sword.
So what can we do to actually
still tell our kids that, not
only do we love them, but
actually that they are doing
things that are really great?
So first of all, let's
focus on self-evaluation.
I already said that
self-evaluation
is this really important,
this inner direction we have.
The more we have
it, the less we're
dependent on others to tell
us that we're doing great,
the more stronger, the
more resilient we are.
So how to achieve this first of
all is, instead of the typical,
oh, I'm so proud of you--
which is really great--
let's try first,
say for example,
are you proud of yourself?
You must be proud of yourself.
Or ask a question like, are
you happy with the result?
Rather than, oh,
this is amazing.
You got an A. It's like, oh,
are you happy with this result?
Just imagine, actually, they
could even with an A just
say, actually, not really so.
It actually helps you understand
where they are so that you can
help them wherever they are.
Because they might be
overconfident, overdemanding,
or not enough, obviously.
So I had the other, the second
bit, is focus on effort.
And this is very much
what Carol Dweck coined.
It's like, really, you
must have worked hard.
You must have put a lot
of effort into this.
This is so much
better, because it
explains to children that
the more effort, obviously
the better outcome.
So I tried this with my eldest
when she was five and a half.
And I'm like, oh, you put
a lot of effort into this.
You must be proud of yourself.
No, that was easy.
OK.
Try that for six months.
You saw the evolution.
At five, they all
have a growth mindset.
Just, it seems all easy.
And then finally,
when she turned six,
she comes back from
ballet, and she says,
dad, I've been made
ballerina of the week.
Like, wow, you must
be proud of yourself.
She says, yes, I am.
Because I worked,
I practice hard.
I was like, yes.
Finally.
Six months.
So don't despair.
Actually, you can start
this with your kids
when they're young.
But they will not--
actually, they're not
likely to answer that
they've put effort,
they feel the effort,
until they're five, six.
Because they just--
things come easy to them.
And that's actually
one of the key reasons
for the evolution from the
fixed mindset to growth mindset.
It's obviously comparison.
They start being
compared at school.
It's an increase
between 5 and 10--
there's a significant
increase in self-awareness
and also the awareness of
others and social awareness.
And that's the reason why
we start comparing ourselves
and think, oh, actually, I'm
not as good as this person.
So for example,
my eight-year-old,
her biggest challenge
was that she had
a friend who was big ballerina.
Actually, she just went to see
her Broadway show yesterday--
Broadway like in Haymarket.
Anyway, so it was basically a
big show, ballet, and dancing,
and singing.
And it's just incredible.
And her other really good
friend is an amazing gymnast.
So she just felt average.
Since when is average a problem?
But actually, it has become.
Because there is so much
emphasis on being great,
et cetera.
So it is a big challenge.
So the third one
is perseverance.
And I've already
mentioned this word "yet."
And so when your children
say, oh, I'm not good at this,
tell them, yes, you may
not be good at this yet.
But if you put effort
and you practice,
you can get better at it.
You have to choose whether
you want to do that or not.
But you can do it.
The other one is progress.
This is a really important
one, is realize that children
are not very good--
certainly not before
the age of 11, 12--
of realizing the
progress they make.
And it's even us.
Sometimes, we forget to
celebrate our progress.
We don't realize
the small progress
we make, while an external
party can always tell us,
oh, look at how much
progress you made,
how much better
you've become at it.
So help them, whether it's
piano practice, academically,
anything.
You can use, oh, I've
noticed that you've really
improved on that.
And try and tell
them what you notice.
Because they may not be able to.
So that really helps,
to talk about progress
and be specific about it.
The other thing is
strategy, process.
How did you do it?
Again, children, before
being teens, and even then,
they have the challenge of
not realizing that there
are different strategies.
It's often just black or white.
It's not, oh, there are--
it's, there's only one way
to do things.
And actually, the system
doesn't help them that much.
It's very much around, there's
one solution to this problem,
there is one-- and so
help them question.
Help them realize that,
oh, well, maybe you
could have done
this differently.
And so make them curious
about different strategies,
different ways to do things.
And finally, description.
So instead of the, oh, this
is so good, this is amazing,
it's like, I noticed
that you've done this.
Like with progress-- I noticed
that you made progress in this.
I noticed this in your drawing.
I noticed this.
And they absolutely
loved being noticed.
It's actually enough for them.
Just knowing that we notice
as parents what they did
is already good enough.
We don't have to be over--
unless it's something amazing.
But in general, noticing
is more than enough.
So hopefully, self-evaluation,
effort, perseverance, progress,
strategy, and description.
Then it's about celebrating
mistakes and challenges.
It's really important that
the whole growth mindset
is very much about understanding
that mistakes are normal
and to learn that
failure is feedback.
Failure, or we also--
children love the
acronym FAIL, which
is First Attempt In Learning.
And then they go, oh, so what's
the second attempt in learning?
So it's SAIL.
A Third Attempt In
Learning is TAIL.
And Fourth Attempt In
Learning is FAIL again.
So you shouldn't--
actually, my kids said, oh,
you shouldn't fail more
than three times then.
And so it's really
useful, because it
reminds them of the nice--
of the importance of mistakes.
So lead by example.
And by that, I'll give you--
I'm the typical
parent who will go,
I can't believe I
made this mistake.
I'm so dumb.
Unfortunately it
happens to a lot of us.
And it's really
important to realize
that we're the first example.
So they will start
saying that they're
dumb if they made a
mistake, or they're not--
and so it's all
about how we take it
and the examples we give.
So now I still
sometimes say this.
But I immediately catch
myself and say, oh, no,
actually I'm not dumb.
I just-- it's normal.
I made a mistake.
And I'm going to learn from it.
And so catching yourselves
doing that is really useful.
And we can also share mistakes.
This is a great way
to lead by example.
For example, at dinnertime we
sometimes do mistake sharing.
So, oh, today I
made this mistake,
and I learned this from it.
The kids are like, what?
They don't even imagine
that you make mistakes.
So it's really useful
for them to hear
that you failed, and you
learned from it, and it's OK.
Because the biggest
problem with mistakes
is actually what it makes
us feel as human beings.
We don't feel good enough.
We don't-- and obviously,
particularly when
we're younger, we feel that
actually we might not be
lovable.
We're not good enough
if we're not great,
particularly if we've
been told we're amazing.
Which is why I mention this.
It's really important to try
and not use this too much--
although of course,
we'll do it--
because children want, need
to feel that it's OK to make
lots of mistakes
How to give feedback
is an important one.
It's, first focus on the
positive before talking about
improvement.
And that's quite
normal, I guess, in,
for example, English cultures.
But in French cultures,
where I come from,
in the French system, it's
all about fault finding.
And some of us
have this tendency
to just go after, oh, well,
basically, it's not all As.
So what happened?
You know, immediately
you go for the Bs or Cs.
And obviously, I have
a dyslexic child,
so obviously there were
Bs and Cs in the reports.
So it's really important just
focus on the improvements.
Oh, there are a lot
more As than last time.
And then, obviously, you
can talk about the negative.
But in the negatives, it's
actually really important, too,
this self-evaluation
I talked to you about.
So focus on the future rather
than the past, and ask them,
are you happy with this result?
Which is the next
bit, self-evaluation.
So, are you happy
with this result?
Or, what can you do differently?
Or, what do you think you
could have done differently?
And that's where we
go into strategies.
Realizing that there
are learning strategies,
we can help them think
about learning differently,
about using different--
so for example,
when they revise--
there's research that shows
that the most important way
to memorize things is to
really do active recall.
So test them-- constantly
test themselves rather than
just reading.
So there are so many things
we can teach our children.
And obviously, it's OK--
well, that it's OK to fail.
Help them discover
their individuality.
And this is a big one
obviously, because my daughter
felt just average.
And the reality is, she's
improved incredibly since,
because we really focused
on that and the fact
that she is actually pretty
good at several things.
And for example, we play a lot
of speed games or board games,
and she beats most of us.
I mean, she actually beats
us regularly as a family.
And that's pretty good for
increasing self-esteem.
There's a lot of things.
I won't just talk
about my daughter.
But it's really important to
help them realize that they
can be good at several things.
And sometimes it's just values.
You could share, you're
a really kind person.
That is already
more than enough.
Because she, my
eight-year-old, felt like she
was a bad person, because she
was being mean to her sisters.
So actually, it was not easy
to make her realize that her--
because often, children
can mix their behavior
with their persona.
And so when we tell them
that they did a bad thing--
and I used to use things
like, oh, it's unacceptable,
it's unimaginable
that you did that--
not very helpful.
Because that really
made her feel
that she was just a bad person.
It's unimaginable that
someone ever could do that--
not great.
But, you know, it happens.
And so it's really realizing
how our words can really
have such impact.
And therefore, focusing
on the positive and their
individuality is so important.
And find things they're good at.
Because whatever
we're talking about--
growth mindset is great, that
we can be good at anything,
but the reality of life, we
can all see that we have--
who has more than one child?
Great.
Well, you see, obviously they're
so different, aren't they?
And obviously, each of
them has their strength.
And ideally, you
shouldn't compare them.
And you should really
help them discover
what their strengths are.
And try and make sure that
they really practice things
and do things that
they're good at.
Why?
Because this is going to happen.
And I'm going to
explain what happens
when you learn something new.
This is great.
It's applied to
languages, applied
to when they go bicycling, or
anything-- basically when you
learn anything.
So on the left, you've got
confidence and fluency.
And on the right
you've got time.
What happens is,
first of all you
feel rewarded when you start.
So that's exactly
what happened to me
when I started the piano at 40.
I was like, wow, I
can play "Ode to Joy."
Oh, this is great.
I love it.
Then, so I understood
the basics.
But then it felt harder.
When I wanted to play
[INAUDIBLE] and the things that
are not as easy, I really
felt the difference.
And I felt not
confident anymore.
I thought, oh, my
god, it's going
to take me years to actually
do what I want to do.
And so guess what happens there?
You want to give up.
Because really, you feel
like your confidence
is at an all-time low.
And that's exactly
what happened to me.
I stopped piano after
a year of practice.
And it's really a shame,
because had I seen this--
I'm going to start
again, obviously.
But so that's what happens
to most of our kids.
And what you want
is actually for them
to really like what they do.
So try and find things
they really like.
Because that will make it more
likely that they won't give up
at this point.
Because that's-- actually, and
show them that this is what
happens.
That's what we teach
children, actually,
in our workshops at
Happy Confident Me.
Because then they start
feeling the difference again
if they persevere.
And they start feeling
it gets easier again.
Then it plateaus slightly.
But finally, they
start doing it well.
And, as you can
imagine, at this point,
or feeling the difference
and this curve,
is where you develop your
perseverance, resilience,
and confidence.
Because persevere-- because
resilience and confidence
come from overcoming challenges.
You know, there are
a lot of things we
can praise as much as you want.
Reality is,
overcoming challenges
is what really builds this
resilience and confidence.
And so it's finding things
that they're good at, that they
have more ability to do.
This way, they won't
stop, they won't give up,
and they will
overcome the challenge
and really feel good
about themselves.
Give more control
and responsibility.
This is an important one.
Just imagine going
to a friend's house.
And they tell you, oh, yeah.
Please, here's a glass of water.
Sit on the couch.
And then, oh, dinner's ready.
Please, have your
broccoli and your fish.
And, oh, you have to
finish your dinner,
because children are
starving in Africa.
And, oh, you need
to go to sleep now.
I need to go to sleep, because
I have an important meeting
tomorrow.
So obviously, this is not what
happens to us when we go to--
but this is what happens to
our children most the time.
When we go to a
friend's house, we
get, oh, do you want a glass
of wine, or water, or whatever?
Do you want to sit
here on the couch?
Do you want your
broccoli or carrots?
We get choices.
And this makes us
feel really good.
So the issue, our
challenge, with our kids
is, actually they get
very limited control
over their lives.
So giving them an impression
of control and responsibility
is really important.
So to do that, we recommend
using limited choices--
not unlimited choice, not, what
do you want to eat tonight--
but, would you rather
do this or that?
Would you rather leave
now or in five minutes?
Would you like-- so
typically, as parents
we'll go, oh, we need to
leave in five minutes.
And we think, oh,
OK, we told them.
So obviously in five minutes
they're going to be ready.
And guess what?
Rarely does it happen.
So actually giving
them the choice
of when to leave-- or, do
want to leave in 5 minutes
or 10 minutes is even better
for children who obviously
have a sense of time,
because this way they really
sense they have a choice.
It's not now.
It's like, in 5 or 10?
And you'd be surprised.
Because sometimes, well,
five minutes, good.
And they're much more
likely to do it, just
because they made the choice.
And this is the--
I mean, for the ones
who have come to my talk
before, I always
use this example,
because it is very useful.
Yeah, you seem to agree.
I mean choices is--
AUDIENCE: [INAUDIBLE]
NADIM SAAD: Yeah.
Choices is really the
easiest tool in your book.
And it gives such a really--
and that's what I--
it's funny, because when I
talk to parents of teens,
I'm like, well, give
them more choices.
They're like, but why would I?
I mean, they're supposed
to brush their teeth.
What am I, going to
tell them, do you
want to brush your teeth
now or in five minutes?
It's like, no, maybe not.
But it's still better
than, go brush your teeth,
you still didn't
brush your teeth.
So it's still more respectful to
use choices or questions, which
is the next--
so other types of choices is,
would you like to wear this now
or once you're
outside, for example.
Because often our kids
don't want to wear coats,
and we think they're going
to get cold or whatever.
The other one is ask questions.
We rarely do enough of it.
How many times do we
actually say the same things
to our children?
Probably at least
90% of the time.
So instead, if you feel you are
going to repeat yourself once
more, try, what did I just say?
And you'd be surprised, because
they'll probably know exactly,
and they'll repeat
it, and like, OK.
So, "what did I just say"
is much more respectful.
Or, what are you
supposed to do next?
So for example, for the brushing
teeth, instead of saying,
oh, you still didn't
brush your teeth?
You have to go to sleep.
So what are you
supposed to do next?
So when the kids
are younger, you
can use routines, and
do a routine with them,
or create their routine
if they're too young.
And make sure that, instead
of telling them all the time,
you're supposed to do this,
and this, and that, ask them,
what are you
supposed to do next?
Finally, what are you
going to do about this?
This is really responsibility.
So they spilled
something on the floor.
Instead of, oh, go get
the mop, go do this,
do that, it's like, oh, what
are you going to do about this?
And at the beginning when you
ask this question, often you'll
get, I don't know.
So obviously, you teach them.
And next time, you
make sure they know.
And they'll feel a
lot more responsible,
and they'll do things.
So I would recommend that,
instead of teaching orders,
in 90% of cases try and
ask a question instead.
And you'd be surprised
by the results,
particularly because
actually research shows
that this increases IQ, which
obviously, we were talking
about all kinds of intelligence,
and it's rare to actually
be able to boost IQ.
But you can.
And putting our children
in the prefrontal cortex
and their thinking brain as much
as possible does increase IQ.
Finally, I want to talk
about help them manage
their feelings.
And this is--
I'm convinced after all the
research and all the books that
are now coming
out on the subject
that the world would be a much
better place if we realized
that, instead of just trying
to reassure our children-- so
actually, let's take
an example of us.
Have you ever come
back at home, and you
had a really horrible day,
you got really angry at work,
and you're telling your spouse
about it, and they tell you,
doesn't sound bad?
How do you feel?
Do you feel good?
No, obviously not.
Same for kids.
Or, just imagine telling
your friends about something
that you found quite
difficult, and your sharing,
and you're expecting
a bit of empathy.
But what you get is
like, oh, my god.
That's terrible.
Oh, really?
Oh, my god, it must be terrible.
And you're just like, no,
actually it wasn't that bad.
Suddenly you feel they're
really exaggerating.
So it's all about meeting adults
or children where they are.
This is what's really important.
And so, first of all,
validating children's feelings
allows them to trust
themselves and better deal
with their emotions.
And I'm going to give you an
example of how to do that,
by the way.
For a child to gain
confidence, they
need to believe that
all their feelings OK.
So one of the reasons
for a lack of confidence
is often that, as children
grow up, that they hear,
oh, come on, it's not that bad.
Or, come on, pick yourself up.
You have to be stronger.
And particularly
with boys, we're
constantly telling them, come
on, don't be so sensitive,
stop crying.
Reality is, that makes them
feel that they're not OK.
Because, as I was
explaining, they
feel that their behavior is
the same as their persona.
And therefore, if
we're telling them
that their feelings or
their behavior is not OK,
they will just feel
that they're not OK.
And so it's-- and all
the research is pointing
to the same thing now.
So I'll teach you a
technique in a second.
So when you
acknowledge a feeling,
you're not reinforcing behavior.
This is a problem of a more
authoritarian parent like me.
I used to think
that if I'm allowing
a tantrum or a strong--
I'm reinforcing a behavior,
so I need to cut it out.
Well, actually not true.
Actually, first of
all, you connect,
and then you change
the behaviors.
I'm going to
explain in a second.
Well, actually, I've
got a good example
to share with you on this.
So my seven-year-old has become
pretty good at board games,
because we play
quite a few of that.
And we were playing
a speed game.
And she was actually beating
her 12-year-old sister.
But I was still winning.
And so it happened three times.
Third time she starts crying.
And I go-- unfortunately, I
didn't react the best way,
because we have a
huge emphasis at home
on the importance of
playing and not winning.
And so I was like,
if you don't want--
if you're not feeling good
about this, just stop playing.
So guess what?
Of course, she continued
crying, and she was like--
and we all stopped playing.
The next day, thankfully
she did want to play again.
Same situation-- after
three times of losing,
she starts crying.
This time, I had visualized
myself-- which, actually,
visualization is a really useful
tool that I highly recommend.
It's, if you feel you've done
something that wasn't great,
see yourself doing
it-- actually,
feel the pain of your
daughter and the pain
that actually it
causes you of feeling,
oh, my god, this really
didn't deal very well
with the situation.
And then you reprogram it by
actually visualizing yourself
doing something differently
and the way you think it
would be much better to do it.
By doing that, the
probability of you
doing next time in the
right way is much higher.
And it works with
everything, actually.
So I really recommend
visualization.
So on this occasion,
I told her, it really
frustrates you to
lose against your dad.
And maybe, even, now you
seem to be pretty sad.
Suddenly I had a
bit more attention.
She went, yeah.
And so then I tell
her, but do you
know that some parents actually
let their children win?
Suddenly stops crying.
She says, oh, yeah.
I go, well, would you
like me to let you win?
What do you think she answered?
She said, no, that
wouldn't be fair.
And I wouldn't learn anything.
I said, OK.
Well, let's continue paying.
Obviously, is that
a better outcome?
Obviously.
And so it was just by the
ability to connect with her
and acknowledging her feeling.
It allowed us to go completely
in a different direction.
Now she beats us, by the way.
So it helps children feel
unconditional love whatever
they say or do.
And finally, the tool is
called "name it to tame it."
And it's Dan Siegel, a
great neuroscientist,
who coined this.
Because they did
research on the brain,
and they realized that
when you name a feeling,
what you're doing
is-- so for example,
even if they're in pain,
for example they fell,
and they're really--
oh, it hurts, everything is
the right brain, the feelings
and the feeling of hurt.
When you actually connect
it with left brain
thanks to using words
and saying, oh, wow,
you must feel--
it must have hurt.
Does it feel-- does it hurt
a lot, or medium, or low?
And reconnecting this left
and right brain, suddenly
the emotion considerably--
it calms down the brain.
So it's "name it to tame it."
So when you name a feeling, like
what I did with my daughter,
it just helps significantly.
So what I want to
teach you is what's
called the "behavioral
change stairway model."
I call this
"stairway to heaven,"
because I love the song,
and because wouldn't it
be great to be able
to influence and have
behavioral change on our kids?
Can you guess actually
where this model comes from?
I'm really surprised,
because most audiences guess.
Someone-- who do
you think uses this?
Come on, Google.
I'm sure at Google--
any guesses?
OK, well.
It's the FBI hostage
negotiation unit.
So I'm not in any way comparing
our children to terrorists.
But the reality
is, this is proven,
because what we're
learning-- and that's
the same with the science of
leadership and parenting--
reality is, it's very similar.
And so first, you actively
listen and you use empathy.
So you name it to tame it.
Then you're building
the rapport that
allows you to influence and
create behavioral change.
So do not expect to be able to
change their behavior by just
telling them, you
know, hey, come on.
Pick yourself up.
It's OK.
Because I have this
example of this mom,
a three-year-old, 10 times
in front of everyone,
she was like-- she kept
shouting, stop crying,
stop crying, at the boy.
Like, he stopped for two
seconds and cry again.
Then finally stopped.
And he had a swimming
lesson, goes into the water.
She leaves.
Guess what happens?
He starts crying again.
So actually, we make it
more difficult for our kids
to do what we're asking
them to do if we're doing it
without empathy.
So for example, stop crying,
calm down, all these things,
sends them in fight-or-flight.
So their prefrontal
cortex stops working.
And it's their primitive
brain there that takes over.
And they cannot actually
operate properly.
So it's really
important to use this.
So how do we do active
listening is the final two
I want to share with you.
It's first, many
problems can just
be resolved by
listening to our kids.
So acknowledge
feelings with empathy.
And that's the same as
I already explained.
It's rephrase what your
child is saying or describe
with a few words that sounds
like, you're feeling sad,
you're feeling
frustrated, et cetera.
And then refrain from judging,
giving advice and solutions.
And this is probably the hardest
thing we can do as parents.
And there's a great--
if you have anyone who's
got children, teens--
probably not many of you--
almost.
So there's a great
movie called--
not "Scavengers."
Sorry, I'll remember.
And it's all about--
it's actually
a therapist who has real
challenges with her daughter
who goes into depression.
And she literally films that.
And she analyzes not
just her [INAUDIBLE],,
but actually she analyzes
teens and what they go through,
and why it's so
difficult for them.
And one of the things
that her teens tells
her halfway through the movie
is, I don't feel understood.
And I feel you're constantly
just giving me solutions.
You're just constantly
me telling me what to do.
And that's a real
challenge, is actually
to realize that we have to
make our children responsible.
We can just listen to them, and
it solves 50% of the problems
often.
Because they can come up
with their own solutions.
But if they can't, if
they're not managing to,
what you can use is, what
can you do about this?
And often children
will go-- particularly
if they're three, four--
from the age of four,
five, they are totally
capable of doing.
But the answer is going
to be, I don't know.
And if you get the
"I don't know,"
offer a choice of solutions.
Try and actually give
a bad solution first.
Because they will tend to go for
the first solution you offer.
So I've got this example.
I was in Malta doing
a presentation.
We did family meetings with--
that's another--
unfortunately, I
don't have time to
talk about this.
But we did a family meeting.
And they all
gathered as a family.
And then there's this
eight-year-old kid
who's crying.
So the parents call me,
like, please come here.
And they tell me, look,
it's the first time we ever
let him cry, really,
instead of reassuring him
and say, it's OK, we'll organize
this thing with your friends,
et cetera.
So we didn't give
him a solution.
So they were proud
of themselves.
The problem is, they had no
idea how to deal with it.
And so I'm like, OK.
So and I just give him empathy.
And I ask him what
he can do about it.
And he doesn't know.
And so the problem
is, his friends
went to a great football match
while he's doing this family
meeting with his parents,
because they organized
this great seminar with me.
I'm like, I'm feeling
bad for this kid.
And so I actually
gave him-- so I said,
what can you do about it?
No idea.
And so I offered
him first solution.
I was like, oh, well, maybe you
can stop seeing these friends,
because there was a challenge
with the two friends
who had gone to
the football match.
Would that work for you?
Because that's what
you add after it.
He looks at me.
He's like, no.
Obviously not.
And then I gave him a
couple of other solutions.
And then he said, well, how
would that-- so you add,
how would that work for you?
And suddenly he was like--
he started feeling better.
So, yeah, actually, yeah.
I could totally do that.
And then he called me--
because he was jealous
about these friends--
he said I'm the jealousy buster.
I felt really proud.
So his parents just had an
incredible demonstration
of how, for the first
time ever, they allowed
him to go through
his strong feelings,
not reassure him, and
come out with a solution
and feeling really strong about,
wow, actually I can do that.
And I'm the one who decided.
Although we gave him the ideas,
the simple fact that he decided
and he said, oh, yeah,
actually I'm going to do that,
make him totally
responsible for it.
And that's where you add,
let me know how it goes.
And you let them-- and ideally,
they come back and tell you.
You don't even have to ask them.
Of course, sometimes
you're like, how did it go?
But they're the ones who are
supposed to apply, obviously,
what they decided.
So finally, how to foster a
growth mindset and confidence.
In summary, make it about
your child, not about you.
This is so important.
We want so much for our
children, for good reasons.
But they feel it.
And they feel sometimes that
we want too much for them.
And they stop wanting it for
themselves and doing it for us.
And that's not very
confidence building.
So hopefully, self-evaluation
and focusing on self-evaluation
is so important, and
this intrinsic motivation
to want to do things.
Second thing is focus on
effort, progress, perseverance,
and strategy, and
less on outcome.
So it's not just about the
A. It's about the process
and about feeling good
about what they did.
Then focus on their skills and
things they have control over.
The more we focus
something on making them
feel they have control over
things, the better, obviously,
the outcome.
Lead by example.
Celebrate mistakes
and challenges.
Help them discover
their individuality.
Share more control
and responsibility
by giving choices
and asking questions.
And finally, use
empathy to help them
manage better-- to help them
better manage their feelings
and listening actively.
I'd like to also leave
you with a few things
that you can do
with your children,
because since we created
Happy Confident Me
it's all about what we can
also teach our children,
how to give them a toolbox.
So you can teach them
the following skills.
Self-awareness-- realizing
that they actually
can better know themselves,
and that they are good enough.
Managing strong
emotions-- so for example,
teaching them about
using empathy.
You're helping them
manage strong emotions.
And you can explain to them
what happens in the brain,
because it's really important
for them to realize that when
they're in fight-or-flight,
and they have uncontrollable
emotions where they think
that they're not OK,
teaching them that it's OK,
and that's how the brain works,
and it's actually their
primitive brain that takes
over, and that thinks that
there's an incredible--
it's fear that takes over--
and that there's a danger--
because that's how we were
built as cavemen having
to be careful of
the bear or whatever
that's coming out
of the-- and that's
why we have this
primitive brain.
And teaching them about
this is really useful
to make them realize they're
OK and strong emotions are OK.
Positive thinking--
so the whole--
it's realizing that we
can repurpose our thoughts
and how our thoughts
influence our behavior.
Growth mindset-- and so you
know a lot about it already.
So actually, teaching kids
about the growth mindset
is really useful.
Perseverance--
learning from mistakes.
Mindfulness-- so
actually realizing.
So mindfulness is a big thing.
Often we think meditation.
Here we're just talking
specifically, particularly,
about realizing how important
it is to be in the now
and not be anxious
about the future,
or regretting the past, that
they didn't do this, they
didn't do that, or, oh,
my god, what's going
to happen tomorrow, next week?
Well, who cares.
Actually, the important thing
is really now, and just being.
And there's a huge thing
about being versus becoming.
And this is something
I'm actually
looking at it more and
more, and realizing
that one of our biggest roles as
parents, and the hardest role,
is--
and as human beings,
actually, for all of us--
is this balance between
being and wanting to become
and becoming, and
how much do you
focus on the
future, and the fact
that we want them to be amazing,
and how much we want them also
to focus on the present,
and being, and just enjoying
their childhood.
So there'll be more on this.
Kindness and their
impact on others
and how kindness actually--
the science of kindness
shows that the kinder you
are, the happier you are,
and that sharing
more is actually just
a self-reinforcing prophecy.
And you can change
the world by just
being kind to a few people.
They will be kind
to more, and there's
a great-- it's called
a "kindness boomerang."
I really recommend this.
There's a great YouTube video.
And finally, gratitude.
And gratitude is a huge one.
And I recommend doing gratitude
in each evening with your kids,
because all the
science of gratitude--
both for adults and children--
shows that just being
grateful in the evening
makes you happier, particularly
if you journal around it.
So there's positive
psychology research
that shows that you're
happier a week after.
After doing a week of
journaling, you're happier.
And even six months,
if you stop journaling,
you become still happier.
So your happiness is
increased over time
without having
done anything other
than a week of journaling.
So, no surprise actually,
a bit of self-promotion.
That's exactly what we teach
children at Happy Confident Me
either through workshops
or online courses.
And the online courses happen
between parent and children.
So thank you very much.
[APPLAUSE]
SPEAKER 2: Thank you, Nadim.
Any questions?
AUDIENCE: Parenting--
I've got three children--
14, 11, and 6.
And I think time pressures
change our behavior massively.
With two working
parents who spend
maybe an hour in the
morning or two hours
in the evening with
their children,
how do you try and
incorporate these things?
Because I think, yes, if
you spend a lot of time
with your children, these
things are very doable.
But when you're
under time pressure,
and you're reacting quickly to
situations, it's really hard.
Have you got any coping
strategies to try to put that--
NADIM SAAD: That's a great--
that's the million dollar
question, because it's very
true that time pressure--
I realize that the biggest
stressor is definitely
lack of time.
As soon as you
have limited time,
suddenly the whole
family dynamic
can change significantly.
So it's not an easy one.
But the biggest
recommendation here is--
and it's very much like
leadership and parenting
as well.
And I go back to,
it's anticipating.
And it is being more organized
that will really help you.
So for example,
you can decide, oh,
I'm going to use one
of this tool this week.
So I can't do everything,
that's for sure.
Even if you have all
the time in the world,
you still can't do everything.
But focus on one or two things
that you want to do more of.
So set your intention
for the week.
And just doing that--
so use these tools-- you're
going to hopefully use
all of the tools across time.
But you just focus
on one, and you say,
I'm going to be
more-- for example,
I'm going to praise in a
different way this week.
I'm going to change that.
Or I'm going to be really
focusing on their emotions.
Or whatever is-- or,
I have this challenge,
or your child comes with
a challenge, where I'm
going to do active listening.
Or I'm going to do
problem solving.
So try, and you'd
identify this one or two
things you want to focus
on, and do more of this.
And then feel proud of
yourself for having done it.
You're already changing the--
so rather than, oh, my
god, I didn't have time
to do this or that--
because that's the
problem we all have.
It's actually, instead
of focusing on that,
it's the opposite.
You focus on the positive.
It's positive thinking.
So, wow, I actually really
changed this this week.
And this is great.
And your children
will acknowledge it.
And that's what's great.
Particularly if you do gratitude
in the evening and things,
or what they're proud of.
And gradually, things will
change for the better.
And so the small steps are
going to be a huge difference.
So it's all about
being more strategic,
and have a vision for
what you want to do,
more intention, more conscious.
And this is actually the key
to parenting-- becoming more
intentional and more conscious.
Good luck with that.
Three kids, two working parents.
Yes, I know.
SPEAKER 2: Do you
want to [INAUDIBLE]
NADIM SAAD: Yes, sure.
SPEAKER 2: --in the three
minutes that we have?
NADIM SAAD: So we
had, should I try
to help my three-year-old
to be less shy when
meeting new people?
Or is it better to
accept the shyness?
This is a tricky one.
Because obviously, we
want our kids to be more--
but the reality is they
have their own character.
And so finding the
balance between--
I recommend using the tools.
So the answer is, use the tools
of how to develop a growth
mindset, how to praise.
And then the shyness
will gradually evolve.
But not try and tell our
kids oh, you're so shy.
Don't be shy.
Because then we don't make
them feel good about them.
So it's finding this
balance of giving them
the tools for
themselves to become--
to have this
self-esteem, and then
changing inherently and
from the inside out, rather.
So I hope that
answers that question.
And the second one is, I'd love
to get some thoughts on how
to encourage confidence
in a child that
has a stronger, more
outgoing sibling
that they compare
themselves with.
And obviously, this is
a very challenging one,
because often siblings have
very different characters,
and some will take over.
And I'll come back,
then, to help them
discover their individuality.
And this is really
important, because even
if a kid who doesn't have the
same abilities as a stronger
sibling or older
sibling, helping them
find sometimes in
values and character--
so develop these particular
traits in character
where they are different
than their sibling.
So it might not be
sports or academics.
But there are so many things
we can help them discover.
And then the
confidence comes in.
So for my eight-year-old--
now 10 already--
what happened is, she
was afraid of skiing.
She wasn't very
good at gymnastics.
She wasn't-- and things
have completely changed.
So now she's taking
a lot more risks
and becoming a lot
better at everything.
So she's still not
world-class, but she's
really good at most of
the things she tries.
So just having focused
on her individuality
and the few things that
she's already good at
helps really considerably
change over time.
I hope that answers.
Any other questions?
Yes.
Do you need the microphone?
Yes.
AUDIENCE: I really
liked all that talk.
And I think I'm trying to
apply a lot of that already.
What do you do about
well-meaning grandparents who
are almost doing the opposite?
NADIM SAAD: I get
this question a lot.
And I do think that
it's very difficult
to change grandparents.
You can give them some tips.
So if grandparents
are-- hopefully,
if they're open to
a few suggestions--
like choices, it's so easy--
things that are easy to apply.
Or explain to them, for example,
that praise-- oh, my god, you
know this research
on praise, we're
going to ruin our children.
So why do you do this?
Like, two or three
things instead.
I think they would
be open to that.
And so I'd recommend doing that.
But do not just feel bad because
they are doing the opposite.
Because actually,
children are pretty
good at seeing the difference.
And as long as
you do it at home,
and you're teaching
the important things,
don't worry too
much about-- even,
I mean teachers
and things, I mean,
you can't change all the system.
Already changing things
you can do at home
makes a significant difference.
AUDIENCE: Thank you for that.
Regarding praises
for young kids--
so I have a year-and-a-half-old.
Obviously, we're very excited
about everything he does.
Is that wrong?
And also, I cannot focus
on, I see you've put a lot
of effort-- like, how
do you find a balance?
And how do you do that
when they're so young?
NADIM SAAD: That's
a great question.
And I get in some cultures--
I don't know what
culture-- but some cultures
are applauding every
single thing they do.
And it's so cute.
And it's OK.
But it's finding this
balance, where they're--
I mean, you can focus on the
progress at this age already.
It's like, oh, wow.
You've made so much progress.
You now can walk,
well, you can now run.
More than, oh, it's so
amazing, it's so amazing.
And that is-- but don't--
until the age of four or five,
just don't be obsessed by it.
Because it's obvious that
you're going to come back
to your natural self.
But try and be conscious
that, don't overdo it.
Because what happens with time,
and it's fascinating, is--
and I'm sure you've
all realized--
that is, as your children
grow, suddenly all this amazing
and all this praise disappears.
So just imagine you're like
the story of the tennis coach.
You get a lot of it, and
suddenly you don't get it.
It's like, oh, am I actually--
I'm not that good anymore.
You just suddenly
feel that you're not,
because you're not
getting all this praise.
So it's finding this
balance from the start
is what will really help.
AUDIENCE: My second
one is tantrum--
like, it's just tantrums
literally for everything
all the time, screaming
a lot all the time.
And I'm trying to appreciate
her character, individuality,
and just screaming is
the answer to everything.
But it's killing me softly--
or not softly.
But like, in accepting
that feelings are OK,
but it's kind of not OK
to scream all the time--
or maybe it is, I don't know--
but how do you help?
NADIM SAAD: Wow.
How old?
AUDIENCE: Three.
NADIM SAAD: Oh, three.
OK.
AUDIENCE: [INAUDIBLE]
support group?
NADIM SAAD: So normal
age of tantrums.
AUDIENCE: Sorry?
AUDIENCE: I said, can
we have a support group?
NADIM SAAD: Actually,
support group
is a great idea, by the way.
Yes, honestly.
So look.
My third one was tantrum,
tantrum, tantrum.
And it was really
difficult, too, because--
it's, acknowledge that,
wow, you are really
having a bigger reaction
to this, but then redirect.
Then it's not OK.
So it's not like, no one said,
oh, tantrums are totally OK.
Do whatever you want.
What we did, because
she was so stubborn,
is we would acknowledge
the feeling.
And then we'd say, I'm here
for you if you need me.
But really, it's
hurting my ears.
So I've got to--
so I mean, you rarely leave
the room completely at three.
But you're kind of--
you show that it's
not OK, and you're not
going to react to this.
Because the problem
is, with tantrums,
it's like whining and arguing.
It's like, I love the
analogy of a slot machine.
When you put money
in the slot machine,
and it gives you money quite
a few times, guess what?
You just continue.
And the problem with
tantrums or whining
is that if you actually
give in once or twice,
She's going to be like, oh,
well, I'm going to continue,
because you're going
to end up giving in.
And you end up
giving in, probably
because you don't
have much time,
and you want to get
rid of the tantrum.
So it's all about how to
deal with it to make sure
that they don't get what they
want when they're tantruming,
and they get it
once they calm down.
It's like, oh, I
listen to children
who actually ask calmly.
Things like that really help.
And then they learn,
if you're consistent.
Suddenly they learn like, OK.
You're very right by sleep.
I mean, actually I talk usually
after the basics, which are,
sleep--
very important for tantrums.
I mean, often our
kids react very
negatively when they're tired.
And obviously, hunger as well.
Two very important
things that have
to be sorted before
you even look--
AUDIENCE: Of course.
NADIM SAAD: Final question?
AUDIENCE: Is that OK on timing?
My question is just that,
it's the season of giving,
and I think we've really
tried to instill in our kids
gratitude.
But they're one and a
half and three and a half.
And so with the same
vein of shyness is,
I don't want to force my kids
to say thank you in a moment
that they're
feeling overwhelmed.
It's a lot.
But at the same time--
like, sometimes we
say, OK, well, let's go later.
We say, oh, we didn't
get to say thank you.
Let's write a card
or draw a picture.
But any thoughts around
teaching gratitude
in a less forceful manner,
especially when there
are grandparents who are
looking at you being like, why
is your child so inconsiderate?
NADIM SAAD: Thanks for
the great question.
Yes.
And actually, I have a
big thing about gifts.
And it's a challenging
one, because, I mean,
they receive so many often
because of big families
or things like that.
So in terms of gratitude,
it's really important
to actually try and do
it outside of the moment.
And they are still young.
With the three and a half,
certainly you can say, well,
what are we going to say
when we receive a gift?
So it's all about anticipating.
So that then when it happens,
it's the same-- ask questions.
Oh, what do we say
when we receive a gift?
Or, do you remember what we
talked about the other day?
Instead of, oh, say thank you--
this thing that is
quite shaming, actually.
So we want to make sure we
don't shame our children,
that we're just reminding
them of something we taught.
So once we teach them, then it's
all about reminding rather than
forcing it on them.
So I hope that-- and it's all
about anticipation, often.
AUDIENCE: Thank you very much.
NADIM SAAD: Thank you.
Thank you.
SPEAKER 2: Thank you, Nadim.
NADIM SAAD: Thank you
very much, Louise.
SPEAKER 2: It was brilliant.
NADIM SAAD: Always a
pleasure to be here.
Great questions.
SPEAKER 2: Any
questions, please ask me.
Thank you.
