Hey hey, people. Sseth here.
Some moons ago, the radical white cleric, known as Sam Hyde, contacted me,
asking me to shill his pills,
and in shilling them,
he would clear the fatwa put on my head by his fundamentalist Caucasian sect.
My hands are tied in this matter and I am obliged to meet his extremist demands.
Abacus Pills is a product pushed out by Samad al-Hayadi and an undisclosed "friend",
who I assume could only be Jon Jafari,
another infamous white preacher pushing for atheist Sharia law.
These pills contain an incredibly high amount of caffeine.
As remarked by a reviewer,
"An uncomfortable amount of caffeine,
it made me jittery and restless,
it made me want to
depopulate a schoolyard with lead."
This was the last review ever written by that user.
Likely right before they went off to commit an atrocity,
in the name of Wahhabist Caucasia.
These few words may condemn me to death,
but I believe Sam Hyde is selling these
"performance enhancers"
for the sole purpose of one activity.
School shootings.
He intends to indoctrinate easily impressionable men
into throwing their lives away,
so that he and Jafari Jon could be that much closer to their endgame.
The death and destruction of competitive eSports as we know it.
In all seriousness,
this is a quality product that's not replicated or found anywhere else on the market.
Not even here in the Sseth household,
where I'm forced to use my own patented caffeine pill formula.
Introducing Shit Bricks,
the revolutionary condensed cornstarch coffee substrate,
designed to give you energy and bowel movements on the go.
Just open up your hermetically-sealed brand pack of Shit Bricks to access the central block.
With a sharp chisel or knife, carefully dislodge no more than an ounce of dark gold, and consume as you please.
Chew it,
solubilize it in strong acid and drink it,
or simply heat it on a table spoon and smoke it.
If you would like to order a pack of Shit Bricks,
you can't.
But we do offer free international shipping.
I'm going to be going into hiding for a week.
Partly because I've just slandered two prolific imams,
and partly because I gotta move apartments.
My current roommate started asking questions,
like,
"Who are you?",
"How did you get in here?",
and,
"Please don't hurt me, my parents have money."
And it's just driving me wild.
After the manhunt is over, we'll resume to business as usual.
More content to come, so stay tuned.
A big thank you to the many members of the Merchant's Guild, funding these-
*sounds of forced entry by an armed mob*
