Helloo.
And welcome to "That's Nuts!"
Brought to you by NPR.
My name is Lark Chud,
and today, we will be discussing the ever-elusive
walnut!
Now before we GO nuts,
there's something I must address.
This past weekend,
I attended a pool party at the Playboy Mansion.
I was having a Heck of a time playing in the pool,
when I felt a sudden urge to relieve myself.
Not wanting to exit the water,
I made the regrettable decision
to pee in the pool.
I had hoped this would go unnoticed,
but uh unfortunately, I'm currently fostering what my doctors call a
devastating UTI.
So, when I peed,
blood came out.
Lots of blood,
more blood than pee.
People were upset,
and then, frankly, they became quite cruel.
Daniel Radcliffe took several boomerangs,
and before I had a chance to exit the pool, the hashtag
"ChudPeedBlood"
was trending on Twitter.
My manager assures me that I must get ahead of this story,
so I apologize for my actions.
Alright. Now that that's out of the way,
Let's Get Nutty!
The walnut is the seed of the drupe.
It is a nutrient-dense,
protein-packed,
wildcard of the nut community -
- and I'd like to say that I emptied the tank before I entered the pool.
Then Kirk Douglas approached me and said,
"Lark,"
"if you don't try this virgin mojito,"
"I'm going to drown you."
I would've said no,
but that's how Rock Hudson died.
It was after drinking this mojito
that I blood-peed the pool.
I then tried to exit, and wound up peeing over the waterfall.
Then the entire cast of "Better Call Saul"
stripped me naked and hosed me down in the backyard.
I distinctly remember Bob Odenkirk screaming,
"Don't let him get away!"
I then waited by myself for my Uber in the mud room,
wearing nothing but a Febreeze-scented Hefty bag,
which VERY much angered my UTI.
THE WALNUT reached worldwide production heights
in 2016, very much surpassing the pecaehn.
And now a word from our sponsors.
*jaunty ad music*
Goddammit Brad Pitt,
you're my best friend too,
you son of a bitch!
*jaunty ad music, continued*
*SCREAM-SOB*
Welcome back to "That's Nuts!"
I have a theory that others peed the pool at the party.
I mean, come on you're -
you're gonna tell me that Forest Whitaker can have six Shirley Temples
and isn't going to pee in the pool?
I don't think so Joe,
I mean hey,
you mean to say
that Anna Kournikova can drink an entire egg cream,
and she's not going to pee-pee in the cool-pool??
No way Jose!
I mean, you mean to say
that Sharon Stone
can down an entire glass of gravy on a dare,
and she's not going to make the deep end just a little deeper?
*desperate chuckle*
I mean, you're WRONG, King Kong!
They definitely all peed the pool, but -
none of us noticed, because they don't have
a urinary tract that is under hospital-level duress.
I have been uninvited
from several pool parties over the last few days;
I will miss
slapping noodles on the water,
and doing can openers so sick, you'd need a tissue.
My only hope is that someday, eventually,
people will stop calling me the guy who basically gave birth in a pool.
Well,
I think we've cracked that walnut.
And that's all for "That's Nuts!"
Alright, good job, Shel!
This went really well!
