Did you know global warming
might also kill humans?
Which saddens me, because some
of the people I know are human.
[ Laughter ]
Last week, New York magazine
published
a truly terrifying story
about all the ways the Earth is
going to shake us off for good.
Hundreds of drowned cities,
possibly hundreds of millions
of climate refugees,
and now we're talking about that
as a kind of best-case scenario.
Actually, the best-case scenario
is all those things happen
and he cuts off his man-bun.
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
The current administration
is doing its best
to hasten humanity's end,
but once upon a time,
Republicans actually believed
in climate change.
John McCain campaigned on it.
And even Nancy Pelosi
and Newt Gingrich
reached across the aisle.
We don't always see
eye to eye, do we, Newt?
No.
But we do agree
our country
must take action to
address climate change.
Awkward.
[ Laughter ]
Even the bed bugs in the couch
were like,
"This is uncomfortable."
[ Laughter ]
In 2009,
business leaders published
a full-page ad
in The New York Times
urging Barack Obama to
take action on climate change,
a letter signed by none other
than Donald J. Trump.
You know, this guy.
So, Obama's talking about all
of this with the global warming.
And a lot of it's a hoax.
It's a hoax.
I mean, it's a moneymaking
industry, okay? It's a hoax.
This doesn't surprise me.
Trump signs tons of letters
he doesn't really mean,
like every year
on Tiffany's birthday.
[ Audience groans ]
It used to be
that both sides agreed,
yes, we're [bleep].
So when did believing in science
become a liberal thing?
It started in 1997
when the U.S. joined
36 other countries
in a pledge to reduce
greenhouse-gas emissions.
Not everyone
loved the idea, though.
Coll: There were
a lot of corporations,
including oil companies,
that objected
to the Kyoto accords in 1997,
but most of them
lobbied against the treaty
on economic
and fairness grounds.
But Exxon did something
that I think was fairly radical,
which was that they chose
to go after the science.
Attack the science?
That's the same thing
the tobacco companies used to do
to convince people that
smoking was actually healthy
or made you look sexy.
Why can't the pro-science people
use the same tactics?
Like, what we need is, like, a
Marlboro Man for climate change.
Ah! Hybrids. Ladies love it
when I plug it in.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Now, much of
climate-denial propaganda
is funded by the Koch brothers,
the politically active
billionaire oil tycoons
from Kansas.
And that's enough for me
to know that they're monsters.
Who the [bleep] has a billion
dollars and stays in Kansas?!
[ Cheers and applause ]
The Kochs have given millions
of dollars to Republicans
on the condition
that they sign a pledge
promising to oppose
climate-change legislation.
And some politicians like money,
so it's a tough call.
Like, you know,
protect our future
or have some sick flames
on the side of the campaign bus.
[ Laughter ]
And, of course, the easiest
targets for the Kochs
were the evangelicals.
"W-Wait, wait, wait.
You'll pay me
 not to believe in science?
[ Chuckles ] You're in luck.
I already don't.
So this is a win-win."
For Michigan congressman
Tim Walberg,
not believing in common sense
is just common sense.
-Amen.
-Amen.
Oh, yes.
The, uh, classic "God will
take care of it" defense.
Hey, God...
can you turn down
the heaven thermometer
so we could all live forever?
That would be
really cool of you.
Oh, oh, oh.
And while you're at it,
could you stop kids
from getting cancer?
Could you maybe
stop those tsunamis
from killing
thousands of people?
And, of course, could you
stop Mexicans from raping?
But before you get all to that,
it's a bit hot down here.
Oh, oh! Wait, wait!
One more thing!
Bring back dinosaurs!
I want to ride one
like Jesus did!
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
Now, if any of those things
do happen,
I'll admit maybe God can
take care of climate change.
But just assuming he doesn't,
we're going to
have to help ourselves.
So let's explore
all of our options
with a little game I call
"Here Are Your Options."
[ Cheers and applause ]
Yeah. You like that?
I was there.
Now I'm over here.
All right.
So, here are your options.
There's this guy.
Now, this guy doesn't believe
in climate change. Right?
He drives a big-ass car, right?
He has seven kids.
Ahh. He loves coal.
And he pisses on solar panels
for fun.
Now, if this guy's right,
he's got no problem.
He can live forever
doing all of this dickish stuff.
No worries, right?
But if he's wrong
and there is climate change,
the water levels are
going to rise above his head
and he'll be dead.
And probably his kids will cry.
[ Laughter ]
Right?
But here's the other option.
You could be this guy.
This person believes
in climate change.
So he drives
a reasonably sized car, right?
Has one kid.
And he uses solar panels
in a respectable fashion.
Now, if he's right
and there is climate change
and everyone gets onboard
with him, we all get to live.
But if he's wrong
and he does all these things
and everyone gets onboard,
guess what.
We still all get to live.
Right?
So...these are your options.
Do something and live
or do nothing
and maybe not live.
So try to be mindful
of the "wether."
[ Cheers and applause ]
