- I don't want to be rich.
That's the point of
everything, right?
I want to have so much money
so that I could
buy all the tickets
to a Maroon 5 concert,
go by myself, boo
after every song.
This joke always
splits the crowd,
but those guys suck.
I would stand front and center
so when they came
out they'd be like,
I guess there was a mistake,
and I'd be like no,
this is happening.
This is a sold out show, Adam.
Hey, stage dive.
I want to listen to Maroon Four.
Maybe I'm selfish.
But the most selfish
thing a person can do
is leave an empty shopping
cart in a parking space.
So you're telling me
you can meander three and
a half miles inside Costco
pushing that thing no problem,
the moment you get
to your vehicle
you're like not another step.
Posted a version of that
joke online a year ago,
and ever since then I've been
monitoring the online comments
which is great for your soul.
But there's really only two
negative things that come up.
The first one from angry parents
who saw the joke
and had to type in
well, I can't return the cart.
I've put my kids in the car,
I don't want to abandon them.
Here's the answer to that,
how'd you get the cart
in the first place?
Just do that backwards.
I'm a parent, too.
There's no rule that said
you have to buckle
your baby in yet.
Just put the food in the car,
then take your kids
with you to return it
and teach them
how not to be you.
The second group.
The other comment comes
from old men who say
well I if I start
returning the cart
then the kid whose job
it is will lose his job.
That's why you do that?
Do you also mysteriously
murder people
to keep detectives employed?
Thanks for the help.
I hate buying milk.
You ever go to the store,
all you need is milk,
so you don't grab
a cart or a basket,
you just grab the milk,
and then it becomes a test
of physical endurance.
It's heavy, it's cold.
If there are any milk...
designers
in the crowd tonight,
I just want to let you know,
you're not impressing anyone.
We don't need milk
in the handle.
(laughter)
Who is that for?
Nothing else comes that way.
Nobody asks for food
in the grabby part.
You get to the line,
if you have to wait
for more than three
or four people
you end up putting
it on the ground.
You have to scoot it
forward with the line.
And they don't sell milk they
way they sell other stuff.
You grab a bag of
marshmallows off the shelf,
all the other marshmallows
don't come at you.
Milk, one of the heaviest
things in the store,
they sell on a ramp
that's aimed at your face.
I pull one gallon off,
seven others slam forward.
It's 2%, you wanted non-fat,
but you can't put it back.
I discovered that if you
push those other milks
hard enough they disappear.
It's weird that we
love Costco so much.
Aesthetically it's pretty
grim when you walk in.
It's just concrete floors
and chainlink fences inside,
like we're all back in juvie.
I did buy a lawn
mower from Costco.
That is the great thing
about Costco, right?
If you ever just need
like chips and a jacuzzi.
I got a lawn mower, but I
noticed the throttle on it,
the speeds aren't labeled
with words the fast or slow,
instead there's a picture
of a rabbit and a turtle,
which is crazy.
Because that means at
every lawn mower factory,
they're just shipping
them out like,
yeah, we don't care
if anyone can read.
Just as long as they
know all their fables.
That's the important thing.
What?
And by the way, Aesop is
exclusive to lawn mowers.
You don't see
fairy tale pictures
stamped on any other machine.
Can you imagine that guy
with the leaf blower is like,
I got to crank this
up to big bad wolf.
And for anyone
who's mowed a lawn,
who uses the turtle setting?
Why does that exist?
Who gets up at seven
a.m. on a Saturday going,
you know, I want this
to take extra long.
Just want those blades to
lightly slap at the grass.
I'm afraid of spiders
and it's dangerous.
I don't know what my
body's going to do.
I was driving down the
405 in Los Angeles,
one of the widest
freeways in America,
18 lanes, nine on each side,
I was in the fast
lane and a spider,
a hairy one, that matters,
came out from behind the sun
visor and right back again.
So I went across all the lanes.
Like, I didn't change
lanes, I drove sideways.
Have you ever played Frogger?
You get to that point you just
hit the button down
and hope it works out?
That's what I did.
And I was fine.
I don't know what
happened behind me,
but I made it to the
shoulder, hopped out,
slammed the visor down,
spider wasn't there
so I called AAA.
This is a real story.
It's a service they provide.
They don't know it, you
just have to do it right.
When he got there he was
like what was the problem?
And I was like there was
smoke coming from the dash,
so if you could just
check all the crevices.
