- I didn't know
I had sleep apnea.
My mom told me
I had sleep apnea.
I was asleep at her house
about six years ago,
sleeping in the guest room,
the same way I always do,
just like this--
[choked snoring]
And I woke up--
[gasping]
My mom's at the foot
of the bed like this.
"Oh, my God, Josep!"
"You're dying!"
I go, "Mom, I'm not dying.
I'm snoring."
"Josep, that is not snoring.
You look like this"...
"Josep, you have to go to a
doctor and get that checked out.
"I'm telling you,
you're going to die,
"and I don't want you
to die, Josep,
because I'll die of heart attack
if you die, oh, my God, Josep--"
"Mom, I'm not gonna go
to a doctor for snoring.
How long were you watching me?
That's creepy."
And I kicked her out.
"Get out of here!
Get out of here, Mom!"
"I'm sorry, Josep.
"I did not mean
to startle you.
"It's just that I was walking
to the kitchen,
"and I heard a noise
coming from the guest room.
"It sounded like...
someone was killing a bear."
"And I was like,
'I don't have a bear.'"
"So I opened the door,
"and I noticed that
it was just you, Josep.
"Snoring.
"So, I'm sorry. You don't
have to go to a doctor.
"Just go to sleep.
Go to sleep."
"And die."
So, I went back to sleep.
Same shit.
[choked snoring]
And I woke up.
[gasping]
My mom's at the foot of the bed
with a fucking camcorder.
"I got it all
on videotape!"
"You fucking recorded me?"
"Uh-huh, Josep,
I put it on videotape.
"That way, you can see
what I'm talking about, Josep.
"It's not right.
Watch the videotape.
You'll go to a doctor, Josep.
Please watch it--"
I'm like, "All right, Mom,
I'll watch the videotape!
I can't believe
you recorded me, Mom."
"Just watch the tape."
"All right, put it in."
And she put the tape in.
Before she pressed play,
this is what my mom did.
"Everybody,
come downstairs!
"We're going to watch
Josep sleep.
It's scary!"
She pressed play.
I watched it.
It's the creepiest video
you'll ever see.
It's shot in that--
that black light.
You know what I mean? Like,
that surveillance-video shit.
It's pitch-dark in the hallway.
My mom can't even see herself.
She's just standing
in front of the camera,
and she's documenting
the whole thing like she's--
she's on Discovery.
"We're outside my son's room.
"He says that--
"that he is snoring, and I told
him that he is not snoring.
"So, I'm going to get this
on videotape.
"That way, he'll see it,
and then go to a doctor.
Um, let's take
a closer look."
I watched the videotape.
It's horrible. It's horrible.
And I saw myself sleeping.
I couldn't believe it.
I ended up going
to a sleep center.
I had to go there. They had
to monitor my sleeping behavior.
You know what I mean?
The doctor put
all these wires on my toes,
these wires
on my fingertips,
this chest pad
to monitor my heart.
They put this crown on my head
to monitor my brain waves.
When the doctor
put all that shit on me,
he was like, "All right,
you can sleep now."
I was like...
I was like,
"Are you fucking kidding me?
I look like
a Christmas tree."
But I fell asleep.
I can sleep in any situation
back then, man,
and I fell asleep.
The doctor let me sleep about
15 minutes, maybe 15 minutes.
And he kicked
the door open.
Scared the shit out of me.
Like, he literally
kicked the door open.
[imitates kick]
"Get up!"
I was like--
[gasping]
Piss.
He goes, "How long
you been sleeping like this?"
I go, "My whole life."
He goes, "Holy shit!"
He goes, "I'm surprised
you're not dead yet!"
I go, "Why?"
He goes, "You sleep
like a 400-pound obese man."
I go, "Are you serious?"
He goes,
"Yeah, I'm serious.
"We monitor how many times
you wake up a minute.
Want to know how many times
you wake up a minute?"
I go, "How many times?"
He goes,
"60 times a minute."
There's only 60 seconds
in a minute.
That means I've been sleeping
like this my whole life...
Ka! Ka! Ka! Ka! Ka!
Ka! Ka! Ka! Ka! Ka! Ka!
He wanted to perform surgery
that week.
He goes, "I want to cut
your soft palate out
"and your tonsils out.
"That way you breathe better.
You have a passage--
an open passage
for you to breathe better."
And I was like, "Well, how long
is the healing process?"
He goes,
"About three months."
I go, "I can't do that.
I'm on the road every week.
I can't do that."
He goes, "Well, there is
an alternative."
I go, "What?"
He goes, "A CPAP machine."
Yeah. A CPAP machine.
If you don't know
what a CPAP machine is--
I have to wear
this mask on my face, all right?
These two straps
go behind my head.
It looks like I have
a jockstrap on my face.
This hose goes out
into a machine,
I press power,
and it blows air down my throat.
But when I wear it,
I sleep like an angel.
Just--
[purrs]
Every now and then,
I'll knock the straps off.
[imitates snapping]
It's like
a scene from Aliens.
I don't tell any girl
about this machine
until the first night
we do it...
'cause if I tell her before,
it's a deal breaker.
No girl is gonna
sleep with a guy
with a fuckin' machine
next to his bed.
She walks into the room, and she
sees that machine, she's like,
"What the fuck is that?"
And I just
look at her and go...
[deep, distorted voice]
"How are you feeling?"
