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ISBN 978-0-9711375-6-1

Addiction and Recovery  
2. Addiction Treatment  
3. Self-help

# Table Of Contents

Introduction

1st Key   Laying the Foundation

Hopelessness To Joy

Beginner's Mind

Personal Definition of Sobriety

Cross Addictions

Wholesale Life Changes

Anticipating-Embracing Chaos

1st Key Summary

2nd Key  Build the Structure

Recovery is a Journey

Addiction Rituals

Staying Away from the Cliff

Supporting vs. Draining Activities

Detachment-Boundaries

Emotional Intimacy

2nd Key Summary

3rd Key   Develop Character

Creating a Virtual Bottom

Trying Our Best

Decision is 80 Percent

Slip vs. Relapse

Knowledge vs. Awareness

Humility

3rd Key Summary

4th Key   Gut Instinct

Religion and Spirituality

Higher Power Personal Paradigm

Ye Are Gods

Meditation vs. Prayer

Spirit and Heart Emotions

Living in the Moment

4th Key Summary

5th Key   Neighborhood Watch

Protection of the True Ethereal Self

Attachment Disorder

Codependent vs. Counter-dependent

Embracing the Pseudo-self

Neural Plasticity

Healing of Core Wounds

5th Key Summary

6th Key   Relapse Insurance

The Cost of Addiction

Budget for Recovery

Time Allocation

Priceless Line Items

Meet Resistance

Manufacturing Happiness

6th Key Summary

Conclusion

Acknowledgements

About the Authors

One Last Thing...

# Introduction

Addiction is as complex as the humans it embodies. Because of this, there is not a "one size fits all" solution. Recovery happens in countless ways because addiction takes countless forms.

In fact, it is our nature to be healthy. We were designed with resiliency and the means for self-healing. That's why most people recover from addiction without any formal treatment.

Wait a minute... that's not what you've been told before - correct?

Consider this. A study conducted by the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism interviewed 42,000 Americans about their lifetime drug and alcohol use. Over 3,000 respondents had been dependent on alcohol but never had any formal treatment. Seventy-five percent of these respondents beat alcohol addiction without treatment!

Now, we don't want to mislead you. While thousands of people have beat addiction on their own, it hasn't happened without making significant changes in their lives. And, for many, making any kind of change can be a challenge.

In this Insider's Guide to Addiction Treatment, you will come to understand how addiction works and, more importantly, how to beat it by tapping into the "inner healer"... the same inherent ability that mends a broken bone or super-charges the immune system to recover from the flu. The "inner healer" can help with recovery from addiction, too.

Ultimately, recovery is an awakening to the true, eternal, ethereal self. We believe that all people, whether addicts or not, have an innate desire to discover (or we would say recover) their true spiritual self. Most addicts have survived experiences in childhood that caused them to lose touch with their true self. Addiction becomes a coping strategy to relieve pain and to feel good in the moment.

Ironically, this is the state of being that can be experienced most of the time when a person is in touch with the ethereal self. The ethereal self is eternal, an individual expression of universal energy that some call God or Spirit. It knows only love and has no fear.

In our most present moments, whether observing a beautiful sunset, looking into our lover's eyes or playing a great round of golf, we are in touch with our ethereal self. This Insider's Guide will help you understand the nature of that "self," understand what may be blocking the connection, and provide ways to develop strategies to stay connected to the divine self.

Recovery is a process. It unwinds the process that creates addiction.

Before we manifested in this physical form, we were fully "spiritual self"... totally in touch with Universal Energy. When infants and children express themselves physically, they live in the moment and are closest to their True Self. Then as they become socialized, they grow more and more distant from that connection.

Many people have been shamed, disapproved of, insulted, indulged, abused and/or traumatized. As a result, a person may create what we will call a "pseudo-self" that they identify so closely with...they actually become that false self. The more a person identifies with that pseudo-self, the more disconnected they become. And, the more pain they feel.

Eventually, they discover substances and/or behaviors that relieve that pain. Over time, it takes more of the substance or behavior to feel relief, and eventually they find themselves addicted to finding relief... even if the relief only lasts moments and seeking that relief causes even more intense and extended periods of pain.

Addiction is a holistic problem that requires a holistic approach to treatment. In this Insider's Guide, we will discuss what needs to be addressed to RecoverYES... recover your ethereal self

So, are there situations that beg for formal treatment, whether in-patient, out-patient or some combination? Most certainly.

In fact, once the problem is recognized for what it is, it will become quite obvious that its treatment needs to be taken very seriously. For some, that treatment may include time spent at an in-patient facility. In-patient facilities are designed to be a safe cocoon environment where the recovery process can be accelerated.

Many who enter a treatment facility have ended up there through some intervention. In other words, they didn't choose to be there. It's sad to see them squander many weeks of what could be an opportunity of a lifetime in resistance to recovery.

Addiction is quite powerful, though. Addiction believes it has a job to do and won't give up without a fight.

If you're wondering whether we recommend formal treatment? Absolutely! It's a great opportunity... if it's affordable.

This Insider's Guide will provide a peek inside. It can help to preview what sort of work is done, along with the issues that are typically addressed, in formal treatment. If that's eventually the chosen path, getting a head start will provide more bang for the buck!

This book is designed to expose you, whether you are the addict or are just seeking to better understand the problem of addiction, to what is really involved in recovery. Most think it begins and ends with sobriety. That is a dangerously naïve viewpoint.

Sobriety is just what you can see from the surface. Like an iceberg, the danger lurks below the surface and is much larger and more treacherous than what's visible.

With what is learned here, the sunlight will begin to shine on that iceberg so that it begins to melt. The goal is to channel the initial energy that typically accompanies early recovery so that quick progress can be made. Once the addict begins to see some positive results, it's much easier to stick with it!

Ultimately, we believe the goal is to RecoverYES. When addicts recover their true ethereal self, they live a much happier, joyful, fulfilling life. With the right tools and information, the recovery journey can be quick, easy and even fun.

# 1st Key

Laying the Foundation

The first key to recovery focuses on laying a solid foundation to support the recovery journey. We begin by discussing some of the basic concepts of recovery. The overcoming of addictions happens through a process of self-discovery. Every addict has the power to recover.

Hopelessness to Joy

Readers will learn how to reframe powerlessness and accept that, from a place of powerlessness, comes incredible personal power.

Beginner's Mind

There is a discomfort that is experienced as the "beginner," and it is critical to recovery that the addict approaches recovery with child-like curiosity and fearlessness.

Personal Definition of Sobriety

It is important for an addict to create his or her own definition of sobriety. Different forms of addiction may require the need to moderate rather than abstain.

Cross Addictions

It is common for the recovering addict to trade one addiction for another, never allowing the brain to heal. This is called cross addiction.

Wholesale Life Changes

Changes need to be made gradually, with the willingness to modify any situation in life that is producing unhealthy consequences.

Anticipating/Embracing Chaos

Chaos survives recovery and is actually a healthy part of the human development process.

## Hopelessness To Joy

Are people powerless over their addictions or are they immeasurably powerful to overcome them? The first step of 12-Step Programs reads, "We admitted we were powerless over our addictions and our lives had become unmanageable." This truth has given freedom to thousands – if not millions – of people from their addictions.

However, a person's true, ethereal self is all-powerful. With the infinite power of the divine, people are quite capable of overcoming any problem, including addictions.

So how can this paradox be reconciled?

The truth is – it can't be. It is one of the many ironies of addiction recovery. A person cannot reach their divine limitless power until they know within that they are powerless to stop their addictive behaviors.

Studies have shown that addiction and cravings are rooted in the brain. Even addicts who are sober are often miserable.

In fact, in their book, Staying Clean and Sober, the Millers refer to what they call chronic abstinence. The emotional pain of living with constant anxiety, confusion and depression (without the addiction of choice to numb it) results in alarmingly high suicide rates... even for people who have found recovery. The brain will continue to crave the chemicals and actions that gave the high or relaxation if the treatment for addiction is not comprehensive.

This certainly looks like powerlessness.

RecoverYES recommends a complete approach to recovery - body/mind/spirit. We focus on developing a spiritual foundation while supporting the body in its natural longing to heal. We work to combine and synthesize the latest information and research to provide the influential tools addicts need to recover.

The key is to be open to newly presented ideas and information. This book will provide plenty of opportunities to do just that. As personal power increases through the recovery process, addicts will experience a deep sense of accomplishment. Powerlessness will evolve into power. Everyone is powerful!

Insider's Keys to Recovery

  |

     A person cannot reach their divine limitless power until they know within that they are powerless to stop their addictive behaviors.

     The brain will continue to crave the chemicals and actions that gave the high or relaxation if the treatment for addiction is not comprehensive.

     Everyone is powerful!

---|---

## Beginner's Mind

One of the most challenging aspects of recovery is learning to approach it with the mind of a beginner - similar to the mind of a child. This requires humility that is only present in those who have finally accepted the need to change.

A beginner accepts stumbling and falling sometimes, looking silly at times and even being embarrassed on occasion. The joys of being a beginner, however, are that expectations are low, the learning curve is very steep and there are clear signs of improvement.

For those 'recovering' perfectionists among us, being a beginner at anything is frightening. Perfectionists do not like the feeling of stumbling. Failure at anything is simply unacceptable. Being a beginner again requires a completely new way of thinking. However, this should provide hope if the old way of thinking led to an addictive trap.

The best (and often quoted) definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result. At least the discomfort of being a beginner gives hope that something is different this time and that there might be a different result.

The fatigue of addictive behaviors can be replaced by the newness and freshness of the beginner's mindset. It is a strange feeling because the path is entirely new, uncharted territory.

Addicts come to rely on sameness and ritual. The beginner's path requires letting go of the fear of being a beginner and embracing this new approach. It also requires faith that this new path will lead to a different and better result.

Addicts should be challenged to be the beginner. Be the child again. In recovery, they may stumble many more times before permanently taking a new path, but there is insight and awareness to be gained with every new day.

Insider's Keys to Recovery

  |

     A beginner accepts stumbling and falling sometimes, looking silly at times and even being embarrassed on occasion.

     The fatigue of addictive behaviors can be replaced by the newness and freshness of the beginner's mindset.

     Beginner's mind requires faith that this new path will lead to a different and better result.

---|---

## Personal Definition of Sobriety

We should warn you... this is a sensitive topic!

The truth is that sobriety really is a personal choice. However, total sobriety and/or total abstinence may be a necessity. This holds true for some people and some addictions.

Lasting recovery may require eliminating addictive behaviors. This may be especially true with addictions that involve taking substances into the body. Most addicts have tried to moderate their behaviors and control their addictions with little success. That is why most 12-step programs and treatment centers advocate total abstinence.

It is interesting to note, however, that total abstinence is uniquely a U.S. model. In Europe, addiction treatment typically promotes moderation. This recovery approach teaches people to moderate their behaviors. (Of course, illegal substances must be eliminated due to the significant legal consequences associated with them.)

For example, some addictions require moderation... like food addiction. After all, we have to eat! Another addiction that should be moderated is sex addiction. Few people are willing to be celibate for the rest of their lives. And, sex (in a healthy committed relationship) is one of many ways that intimacy is expressed.

It is important to note that a person can abstain from any addiction... including food. With food addiction, abstinence would eliminate all unhealthy foods that trigger behavior associated with eating disorders. We recommend consulting with a dietician to develop an individualized meal plan for the abstinence phase and beyond. This plan will naturally be much more restrictive for the first few months of recovery.

So how does an individual addict know what will work?

The key is to realize that there is a choice. Research indicates that a period of three to six months of total abstinence is preferable. This is necessary to clear the brain and body of the chemicals and imbalance caused by the addictive substances or behaviors.

The body has become accustomed to either consuming or producing the chemicals that are the byproduct of the addiction. There must be a cleansing, of sorts, to reset the brain's natural response mechanism. The addicted brain can heal itself, given the chance!

Research shows that addictive substances and behaviors influence the neurotransmitters in the brain. This has a cascading impact on the neural connections that subsequently affect thinking and feeling. In order to heal the addicted brain, all substances and behaviors that replace the naturally produced neurotransmitters must be eliminated. This forces the brain to again begin making the naturally produced neurotransmitters on its own.

There is a whole host of amino acids that our bodies are designed to keep in balance naturally. Addiction, in the form of substances or behaviors, interferes with this delicate system. Some of the more common neurotransmitters that are negatively impacted by addictions include: dopamine, norepinepherine, gamma-aminobutyric acid (GABA), endorphins, serotonin and taurine.

Alcohol, for example, replaces dopamine and GABA neurotransmitters. This affects mood and urge control. When a person is addicted, the body actually stops producing dopamine and GABA, waiting for alcohol instead. When the person stops drinking alcohol, the body goes into withdrawal, until it starts producing these neurotransmitters on its own again.

Process addictions (think sex or computer addiction) cause the body to produce an excess of certain neurotransmitters and hormones that overstimulate the brain and body. Stopping these behaviors for three to six months allows the body to re-regulate itself. Once the period of abstinence is over, the recovering addict will have more perspective to consider options.

They can then decide to reintroduce the behavior in moderation. It doesn't take too long to discover if moderation works. There is no shame in admitting that complete abstinence is necessary.

Remember, the goal of recovery is not just sobriety. The goal is to recover the wounded self. And, to heal the spirit, body and relationships... to create a life worth living.

Insider's Keys to Recovery

  |

     Lasting recovery may require eliminating addictive behaviors.

     There is no shame in admitting that complete abstinence is necessary.

     The goal of recovery is not just sobriety.

---|---

## Cross Addictions

Cross addictions are disturbingly common. A cross addiction involves the presence of more than one addiction at the same time. Addiction rarely comes in one form. This is one of the major problems that addicts must address in recovery.

Because addictions are rooted - at least in part - in the brain, a person is as likely to succumb to one type of addiction as another. Couple this with the exposure we all have to numerous potentially addictive behaviors in day-to-day life and it is quite possible that addicts suffer from cross addictions... without realizing it.

These 'secondary' addictions can come in many forms. While a person may instantly recognize a primary addiction - be it alcoholism, substance abuse (drugs), eating disorders (food), sex (relationship) addiction, computer (video games) addiction, or money issues (gambling) for example - secondary addictions may go unnoticed.

Not seen as the cause of major problems, these addictions may lie dormant. Therefore, people ignore them. These secondary addictions can appear harmless on the surface: consider television addiction, work addiction or even caffeine addiction.

Sometimes an addict can work hard to get rid of a primary addiction only to replace it with an equally problematic secondary addiction. To experience fulfilling recovery, an addict must eliminate the substances and behaviors that are working against their progress. The addicted brain keeps sending signals that it 'needs' something outside of the self to feel better.

In fact, our bodies are designed to create the craving naturally. This Insider's Guide will explain more about the addicted brain as it progresses. For now, it is important to recognize that ANY addictive behavior is getting in the way of recovery and healing.

A great example of this is alcoholism and cigarette smoking. Eighty-five percent of alcoholics also smoke. Most alcoholics are reluctant to quit smoking while they are trying to quit drinking, believing that it will be too overwhelming.

The research on this issue is clear, however. Alcoholics who quit smoking while in treatment relapse significantly less frequently than those who do not.

Ironically, more alcoholics will die of smoking-related illnesses than from the effects of drinking. The belief is that smoking consequences are relatively benign compared to the consequences of drinking. Nothing could be further from the truth.

At the heart of any addictive behavior is likely a core wound that the addictive behavior is attempting to medicate. The addictive behaviors, whether secondary or primary, are like bandages covering these wounds. This is one of the major reasons some become addicts and others do not. These core wounds, often buried deep in the subconscious, can control an addict's life - and probably have been controlling it for a very long time.

Generally, though not always, at the root of these core wounds are feelings of unworthiness that developed at some point during childhood. Simply recognizing these feelings can go a long way towards healing the wound.

Addicts may feel that they do not deserve to be loved. They sometimes also feel unworthy of another's affections. These thoughts can be cleared. Addiction is simply a behavior with negative consequences, not a statement of a person's self-worth or value.

Remember, the goal of recovery is not only sobriety. The goal is to heal wounds and ultimately heal the spirit.

Insider's Keys to Recovery

  |

     It is important to recognize that ANY addictive behavior is getting in the way of recovery and healing.

     At the heart of the addictive behavior is likely a core wound that the addictive behavior is attempting to medicate.

     The goal of recovery is not only sobriety. The goal is to heal wounds and ultimately heal the spirit.

---|---

## Wholesale Life Changes

We have discussed the importance of healing core wounds and recognizing the cause of addiction(s). This is where the "rubber meets the road." Healing eventually requires a comprehensive lifestyle change. Without these changes, there will be no sustained recovery.

Most people who have considered changing something... anything... about themselves will continue down a path of rationalization and procrastination. This is recognized as the contemplation stage of change. The problem with contemplation is that there are most likely plenty of reasons that could be used to justify staying on the wrong path.

However, when the "rubber meets the road," the journey to recovery can begin in earnest. An addict has to decide if today is a good day to see the old self begin to die. This will require some major changes, including changes that will not be easy.

It may feel safe to avoid it, but significant external changes will have to be made to move off the old road. This may mean changing peer groups and making new friends. This may also mean isolating from certain family members or even changing jobs. These are serious decisions that will have a profound impact on a person's life.

It begs the question, "Are unhealthy social interactions more important than stopping the dangerous addictive behaviors?"

The physical body we inhabit is designed for change. It is continually renewing itself. It is a conundrum. Our brains will work to maintain, even unhealthy, present patterns of behavior if allowed to.

Every addict has patterns of thinking and behaving that keep putting them right back in the same unhealthy situations. The key is to break that pattern.

No more going out with the boys after work for a few drinks. No more de-stressing from work with a cigarette or letting family members cause emotional chaos. These unhealthy activities and relationships are what keep people trapped in the addictive cycle.

It is entirely up to the individual to decide that today is the day to begin to make significant changes.

Insider's Keys to Recovery

  |

     Healing eventually requires a comprehensive lifestyle change.

     Every addict has patterns of thinking and behaving that keep putting them right back in the same unhealthy situations. The key is to break that pattern.

     Unhealthy activities and relationships are what keep people trapped in the addictive cycle.

---|---

## Anticipating-Embracing Chaos

There is a general rule in human behavior as well as in physics: before the breakthrough, there is a breakdown. On the other hand, as the saying goes, "You're closest to the goal when you feel the most miserable or uncomfortable."

The truth is, addicts hate to be uncomfortable. Addicts will do anything to avoid discomfort, including medicating with their addictive behaviors, so that they do not have to experience the deafening thoughts and feelings that seem to take on a life of their own. The endorphin rush of excitement from putting oneself in a dangerous (even exciting) situation can provide enough distraction to avoid the thoughts and feelings in the moment. Moreover, for many, the resulting consequences of the dangerous behavior produce a constant state of chaos that feels almost comfortable, in a twisted way.

As a person starts to recover and begins to cherish the relative calm of the recovery journey, they are often bombarded with the results of past actions. A partner may decide that it is time to pursue divorce. Success at work may not be supportive of recovery. The physical impact of addictive behavior may be evident in some illness to be faced.

At this point, it is common to question the promises of recovery. When doing the right thing, isn't life supposed to get better and better? If sober, isn't life supposed to support the rebuilding of a person's life? Yet this period of time can feel more unmanageable than the familiar chaos that results from "acting out."

It is all part of the plan!

A Russian scientist named Ilya Prigogine predicted this chaos. He also demonstrated how it appears in all open systems. As addicts increase their threshold for managing life, life seems to give them more to manage. Moreover, while it may seem overwhelming in the moment, it is this feeling of overwhelm that leads to the breakthrough.

According to Prigogine, we must go through this state of chaos and disorder before reorganizing to a new, more highly ordered system. This is designed to prepare us to take on and manage much more stress and energy. Of course, some systems do not survive the chaos, but our human system has a failsafe mechanism. We have an "inner healer" connected to spirit or to the energy that orders the universe. We have a built-in process for reordering and evolving if we are just willing to endure the chaos.

Fortunately, recovery is a broad term. It can be applied to every area of life. It may make the comprehensive recovery plan more complex, but our true ethereal self has all the resources required to successfully navigate even the most turbulent waters.

Insider's Keys to Recovery

  |

     As a person starts to recover and begins to cherish the relative calm of the recovery journey, they are often bombarded with the results of past actions.

     According to Prigogine, we must go through a state of chaos and disorder before reorganizing to a new, more highly ordered system.

     Our true ethereal self has all the resources required to successfully navigate even the most turbulent waters.

---|---

## 1st Key Summary

In summary, the 1st Key - Laying the Foundation reminds us that recovery from addiction does not have to be difficult. It is the lack of a solid foundation and resistance that makes it more challenging than it needs to be.

Resistance is the primary cause of suffering. Wholesale life changes are required to recover. Addicts must become aware of the ways in which their current lifestyle works to keep them addicted.

We can't emphasize enough the importance of planning for the challenging road of recovery. Often times, one of the most difficult parts of recovery (and of life) is dealing with the chaos that occurs when the consequences of unhealthy behaviors come to fruition. Planning for the certainty of these situations by having a response in mind can make the difference between falling back into an old unhealthy pattern and sustaining the recovery plan.

Recovery happens one moment at a time!

We have assembled a resources area on our web site specifically for Insider's Guide readers. Instant access is available by visiting www.RecoverYES.com/InsidersAT.

# 2nd Key

Build the Structure

The second key to recovery focuses on building a sound structure to add to the solid foundation that was created using the suggestions from the first key. The positive and negative activities that are involved in recovery from addiction can be an asset or a liability depending on how they're approached.

We will discuss changing the way recovery is viewed. This attitude adjustment is often tough to embrace, but this new lifestyle requirement is similar to that required by any other permanent change a person wants to make. Change is rarely easy, but the degree of difficulty is directly related to resistance.

Recovery is a Journey

We will discuss why it is important to differentiate between working recovery and living recovery in order to develop a recovery lifestyle that is sustainable.

Addiction Rituals

We will discuss how to recognize the 'pre-acting out,' 'acting-out' and 'post-acting out' rituals, along with developing ways to gain awareness that helps create alternatives.

Staying Away from the Cliff

We will discuss the importance of recognizing triggers that bring addicts to the 'edge of the cliff' and how to anticipate them in order to avoid or minimize them.

Supportive/Energizing vs. Draining Activities

We will discuss how to recognize activities that are draining emotionally, mentally and/or physically to replace them with supportive and energizing activities that make recovery easier.

Detachment/Boundaries

We will discuss the concept of detachment and how to create healthy boundaries in relationships to minimize the chaos experienced.

Emotional Intimacy

We will discuss codependency and the important role that intimacy, especially in communicating with others, plays in creating healthy relationships.

## Recovery is a Journey

Many addicts claim they are "working" on recovery. So, how does one work on recovery?

In some camps, the guiding belief is that recovery is the job of getting and staying sober. In fact, insurance companies and most treatment centers believe they have been successful when their clients have some sustained sobriety.

We will share this with you again... limiting recovery to a focus on sobriety leaves many addicts in constant emotional pain. In fact, 25 percent of recovering alcoholics are reported to eventually commit suicide.

This is not the full and fulfilling life we know is possible in recovery. Clearly, recovery must involve more than sustaining sobriety.

Many in early recovery tell themselves, "I'll work on this recovery stuff for a few months, even years, and then I'll be fixed and can return to my old life." They have not come to realize that recovery must become a way of life. It is not a one-time process.

Addiction recovery requires a major lifestyle change. An analogy that many people can relate to is dieting. People who go on a "diet" see it as a temporary program to lose weight. Once they have reached their weight loss goal, they go back to their old eating habits. They might eat a bit less or eliminate some "taboo" foods, but the changes necessary to lose weight and keep it off were never really accepted as long-term lifestyle changes. Until they embrace their new way of eating as a lifestyle change rather than a job, they will continue to relapse. Most find that their relapse results in gaining more weight than they lost.

This same idea applies to addiction recovery. The sooner an addict embraces the fact that recovery is a way of life, the easier it will be to experience lasting recovery.

This seems overwhelming at first. In the beginning, it may be necessary to see recovery as a job with a finite endpoint. Fortunately, there are milestones that are real keys to successful recovery and demonstrate progress. Some of these milestones include stopping harmful behaviors, clearing traumas, and resolving relationship and financial consequences. Just remember, when starting these "jobs," that the process itself is not a job.

We prefer to compare it to embarking on a journey of self-discovery. Any long trip requires planning and commitment. The difference with this journey is that there is no destination point that can be identified before beginning, other than achieving some of the goals set in the recovery plan.

The "working recovery" attitude is just one outlook that will likely require changing. Living recovery requires the willingness to adapt beliefs on many topics. For example, living recovery means every interaction with others - in fact, every thought and emotion - is looked at through the lens of a new lifestyle. Recovery is not something "done" at a support group meeting, returning to old patterns and behaviors when the meeting is over.

Addicts must also be willing to accept that thoughts create reality. To live recovery requires being aware of emotions and thoughts - ideally, as they are happening. Emotions and thoughts are extremely powerful and drive behavior that creates experiences. This emotional and mental awareness is not a momentary thing. It is not a task to accomplish. It is something to stay attentive to every day... six months from now, a year from now, and for a lifetime.

Further along the recovery journey, this awareness becomes easier. As long as we are living, we are thinking and feeling. It may get easier, but there is no destination or finish line.

Insider's Keys to Recovery

  |

     The sooner an addict embraces the fact that recovery is a way of life, the easier it will be to experience lasting recovery.

     Living recovery requires the willingness to adapt beliefs on many topics.

     To live recovery requires being aware of emotions and thoughts - ideally, as they are happening.

---|---

## Addiction Rituals

Most addicts have developed a process resembling a ritual that leads to "acting out" behaviors. When they prepare to engage in any behavior, they tend to follow a pattern that they have repeated many times before. Before they engage in addictive behavior - or consider engaging in it - they have to go through three phases.

There is the pre-acting out ritual, the actual acting out ritual, and the post-acting out ritual. It is important that addicts learn to recognize the thoughts and emotions that lead to addictive behaviors. If they can become aware of the thoughts and feelings doing battle within them before, during, and after acting out, they can gain tremendous power over the process. Becoming aware of these rituals is the first step to successful intervention. Individuals can develop a plan and make changes that create a different result.

The pre-acting out stage deals with all of the thoughts and feelings an addict had that led to engaging in addictive behavior - or acting out. To identify this part of the ritual, the addict would contemplate the last time they acted out. What was the very first thought or feeling (probably resulting from some experience) that started the chain reaction? To have real value for analysis, this must have occurred while still "sober." We will refer to this as a trigger or triggering event.

This triggering event usually causes a chain reaction in a part of the mind that can literally cause a person to lose touch with reality. If this triggering event is due to the reenactment of some trauma event, then it will be important to work with a specially trained therapist to help clear the trauma. Regardless, this process of chain analysis can provide insight into a person's own triggering events. Ultimately, new strategies can be developed to make a different choice.

When analyzing addiction rituals, it can help to retrace steps. The more detail, the better. It is important to become aware of the thoughts and emotional process that ultimately resulted in acting out. Was there an experience with someone or something that triggered the thought or emotion? For example, maybe a boss called with a problem or a friend extended an invitation for drinks after work.

Every addict likely has recurring triggers that then cause the acting out phase to begin. The acting out phase is engaging in the addictive behavior. For alcoholics, it is drinking (or binge drinking). For smokers, it is smoking. Identifying these triggers can be quite valuable in developing the recovery plan. If the acting out ritual can be avoided before reaching the actual acting out phase, the addict will feel empowered.

Even though there is a trigger causing emotions and thoughts of acting out, there are still several physical actions that must occur to get to the point of acting out. This is a crucial period. The addict is doing battle with the self. The addict is aware of being on the way to a place they did not intend to go, but the ritual is already in progress, and it can be hard to stop.

If the addict's intervention is not successful before actually acting out, the post-acting out phase begins. This phase focuses on the physical and emotional feelings after acting out. This phase has as much information to offer as the others, though it is often ignored. The addict may experience momentary feelings of relief, combined with guilt, shame, and frustration. Feelings of despair and loneliness may also occur.

Gaining perspective and awareness over acting out rituals gives the addict power to take a different course of action the next time the acting out process begins.

Insider's Keys to Recovery

  |

     Becoming aware of the addiction rituals is the first step to successful intervention.

     If the acting out ritual can be avoided before reaching the actual acting out phase, the addict will feel empowered.

     The post-acting out phase has as much information to offer as the others, though it is often ignored.

---|---

## Staying Away from the Cliff

In our discussion about acting out rituals, we pointed out that there are likely recurring triggers that lead to addictive behavior. Many of these are identifiable triggers. The most effective way to avoid acting out is to avoid the triggers, since the result will typically be engaging in the addictive behavior.

The pre-acting out phase rituals are just a response to the constant triggers that exist in the world. Once those triggers have been identified, the addict has the power to choose to steer clear or stay away from the cliff. When addicts get too close to the cliff, they will jump! There is little chance of stopping them once that point is reached. The key is staying far enough away from the cliff that there is still a choice.

The addict must find a way to get away and stay away from the cliff. It is also important to incorporate this into the recovery plan before the triggering event occurs. It can be helpful to observe the triggering events identified previously. Some of the triggers, especially if experienced regularly, are most likely unavoidable. Still, others are easy to eliminate.

No one can eliminate all triggering situations. Cliffs exist, and sometimes the addict will be required to recognize them and back away.

For example, an addict may not be able to avoid getting stressful calls from their boss. If they decide ahead of time how to respond, they may be able to stay away from the cliff's edge. Knowing that the call is eventually going to come gives them power to plan, in advance, how to deal with it. By planning for the triggering event, they are better able to recognize the incoming thoughts and emotions... and have an alternate response already lined up. The response should be something that supports recovery.

It is much easier not to tempt fate. If the cliff can be avoided, it should be! For example, friends may regularly invite the addict to go to the bar after work. It is likely that there will be the need to take a break from this group of people. Avoid the cliff by avoiding the invitation. Cutting peers, family, and friends who do not support recovery out of life may not be popular or fun. The alternative is certainly worse.

This is why it is so important to have a community of people the addict can turn to who support recovery. Support group meetings are perfectly designed to do this.

It may be helpful to understand that the very tight boundaries needed in early recovery can be modified in later recovery. For example, an alcoholic may decide early on that any exposure to alcohol is too triggering. Being around people who are drinking is just too tempting. However, as the addict gains personal power, they may feel that spending time with friends who are drinking on occasion will not challenge their sustained recovery. This is an individual choice.

Remember, living recovery requires "wholesale" life changes. The addict will need to find people that support recovery by creating space in their life for them to appear.

Insider's Keys to Recovery

  |

     The key is staying far enough away from the cliff that there is still a choice.

     The addict must realize that they cannot eliminate all triggering situations. Cliffs exist, and sometimes they will be required to recognize them and back away.

     It is important to have a community of people the addict can turn to who support recovery. Support group meetings are perfectly designed to do this.

---|---

## Supporting vs. Draining Activities

Charlie shares a story here that will make it easy to understand the importance of finding healthy activities to fill the void created by recovery.

I have a friend, Mike, who called me one day really down in the dumps. He felt depressed, he was grieving the loss of his addictive habits and he was bored! I was flabbergasted when he said he was bored, but with a bit of perspective, it made sense to me.

He admitted that he was bored when he was acting out, too, but at least he could look forward to the high for a little while. "Now," he told me, "I don't even have that to look forward to!" I told him that one of the best emotional regulators was sleep and I recommended that he take a nap and, afterwards, we would talk.

He agreed and, after his nap, he called me back. He said he felt a little better. I suggested we get together to explore some options. We met at a local bookstore.

We talked for about an hour about what he could do to fill his day with healthy activities. He told me that he wanted to work more, but that it was a struggle to find work. He said that his emotions were "all over the place" and that he was tired all the time.

He was about 45 days sober. "Mike, your body is still healing from many years of acting out. You don't have the alcohol to medicate your feelings anymore. Everything you are experiencing is normal." He seemed to feel a little better after hearing this. I also said, "Your recovery is like a full-time job right now, and it's OK to be gentle with yourself while your body and your spirit heals. Let's find some things you like to do for fun."

"Charlie, I can't think of anything right now, except maybe reading. But I can't focus long enough to read right now!" We looked around the bookstore and found some humorous books. One was on the adventures of Calvin and Hobbes and the other was old Doonesbury comics.

Then I discovered that Mike likes to draw. He bought some copy paper and began tracing some of the comics. These activities, along with support group meetings, working and walking 30 minutes each day, finally provided some peace. It wasn't perfect, but it was a start.

Once an addict has identified the triggers and is eliminating many of the activities that lead to acting out, they will likely see that they have more free time. It is a great chance to start replacing those otherwise unhealthy activities with more recovery-affirming ones. A bit of caution: be careful not to replace one addictive behavior with another. It might help to revisit the lesson from the 1st Key on Cross Addictions.

So what are healthy activities and unhealthy activities?

Healthy activities are those activities that provide a positive feeling before, during and after engaging in them. They make us feel that we are taking care of ourselves mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually. Remember, to RecoverYES, a person must integrate body, mind and spirit. This may require a return to childhood to rediscover activities that were once enjoyed. The recovering addict might have to be willing to try new activities and experiment.

Many therapists suggest physical exercise. This can certainly be a healthier use of time than many other options. Something to note: Our bodies produce very powerful chemicals during exercise. These chemicals can help lessen withdrawal symptoms, if used appropriately. However, it is easy to overdo exercise, so we recommend monitoring exercise activities. Exercise can create similar problems to other addictive behaviors.

When evaluating the activities in daily life, the ones that are most likely to lead to acting out are those that are mentally, physically and/or emotionally draining. That is why it is helpful to recognize the regular activities that are draining. It is important to engage in these activities when not in crisis. In fact, they should be done only when feeling good.

A draining activity is one that causes stress. It is any activity that leaves a person physically or emotionally too tired to continue the day. It could be any activity that leaves a person feeling just plain bad. If possible, the recovering addict should avoid these activities. This is important to support recovery. As an example, even lifting weights can be a draining activity when it is overdone.

The healthy activities chosen to replace draining activities should provide a feeling of success. It should be emotionally and mentally worthwhile to participate in them. Addicts tend to become hooked on any activity. They need to make sure that any new sport or hobby does not end up adding to their daily stress. The healthy activity can quickly become another draining activity if it is allowed to take over all of that newly discovered free time.

Examples of healthy, life-affirming activities that many people enjoy include:

   Walking or hiking in nature

   Taking a bubble bath

   Listening to relaxing music

   Reading inspirational books or passages

   Playing a sport

   Drawing, writing or playing a musical instrument

   Journaling

   Meditating

   Watching an uplifting movie (Caution: avoid violence, as it can be very triggering)

   Walking the dog

   Riding a bike

   Engaging in a hobby or craft

   Playing a video game (Caution: video games can be highly addictive)

   Doing service or volunteer work

   Attending a service or event at a spiritual center/church

While it may not be possible to replace all draining activities, moving away from the most harmful ones will make life much more enjoyable.

Insider's Keys to Recovery

  |

     Once an addict has identified the triggers and is eliminating many of the activities that lead to acting out, they will likely see that they have more free time. It is a great chance to start replacing those otherwise unhealthy activities with more recovery-affirming ones.

     Healthy activities make us feel that we are taking care of ourselves mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually.

     While it may not be possible to replace all draining activities, moving away from the most harmful ones will make life much more enjoyable.

---|---

## Detachment-Boundaries

One of the main sources contributing to being emotionally, mentally, or physically drained is crisis. To overcome the pattern of dealing with one crisis after another, addicts must learn to detach.

If allowed, other people, places and events can provide endless triggers and crisis. These people, places and events may draw on a person's desire to help in a time of need. In fact, while an addict may believe that all problems and feelings of misery are the result of personal actions, for most addicts there are many sources of crisis that start with the desire to help others in trouble.

While a person may feel responsible for (and even capable of) helping everyone else, this compulsive desire can be really destructive personally... and for the recovery plan. To overcome this destructive pattern of behavior (and source of addiction), the recovering addict must learn to detach from other's problems. This will include the problems of people closest to the addict.

Detachment is not unkind or uncaring; it is necessary. If people cannot detach from situations that they have no control over, they cannot be objective. In life, someone will always be dealing with a problem. This does not place the responsibility on a loved one to help them. By detaching from the problems others face, recovering addicts can begin to take positive steps towards recovery. This can be done by removing the ever-present source of emotional, mental and/or physical drains.

As part of the recovery plan, it is important to identify triggering situations. This could be a situation where the recovering addict is called on to become involved in a crisis that is not their own. It can be helpful to identify boundaries, in advance, that will not be violated. It can be difficult to stand strong in the "heat of the moment" when the inevitable call for help comes along.

They addict must not succumb to manipulation. Doing something that they know is not supportive of their recovery is a big drain on critical personal power reserves. Even if (and especially if) the one manipulating knows exactly which buttons to push to get them to do what is being asked, the answer must be (as gently as possible), "NO!"

It is not uncaring, unloving or unkind to refuse a request. We will acknowledge that it may be difficult at first for everyone involved to accept that the rules have changed. A great way to begin creating boundaries is to commit to never automatically accept anyone else's request for help. At a minimum, the recovering addict should "sleep on it" and think about what is being asked. Generally, the appropriate action will become apparent with perspective. Perspective is something that can only be obtained with time and thoughtful consideration.

It may be necessary to seek professional help to learn how to set boundaries. After delaying a response to the cry for help, the next step might be calling a friend or friends that have agreed to provide recovery support. Someone who understands recovery can help provide the strength to resist the urge or craving to help. If this sounds just like another addiction, you are right! People-pleasing and obsessively helping others are characteristics of co-dependence.

It is not anyone's job to share someone else's burdens. This may sound uncaring or even unrealistic. It is actually life-saving. Accepting this makes a person free to care for someone else without making excuses for them. This also prevents the person in perpetual crisis from placing a burden on a loved one.

It is an addict's responsibility to live recovery and make healthy choices every day. Ultimately, it is not helpful for others or for the person in recovery to handle problems that are not their own. In addition, it may become such a burden that it leads to relapses in addictive behavior.

Boundaries are important. It is critical to detach from the crises created by others. Others can be responsible for their own life experiences. By doing so, the addict is accepting responsibility for their own. When gentle and tactful diplomacy does not work, the recovering addict must be prepared to state frankly that the problems or crises of others are no longer their responsibility. Empathy about what the person is experiencing is still possible, knowing that they need to learn their own lessons so the addict can continue to learn, as well.

Insider's Keys to Recovery

  |

     It may be necessary to seek professional help to learn how to set boundaries.

     Codependence involves people-pleasing and obsessively helping others.

     Boundaries are important. It is critical to detach from the crises created by others.

---|---

## Emotional Intimacy

Addicts know that one of the major problems in their lives is dependency. It could be dependency on an activity or substance. Dependency, however, is not limited to the substance or process being abused. At the root of most addiction is another type of dependency.

Codependency.

Very few people, addicts or not, ever develop close relationships with others. They never let others really "see" them. They do not let others know who they really are. Rather, they create versions of themselves that they have come to believe others will find more acceptable or loveable.

Codependency describes the way humans learn to emotionally isolate from others. It involves failing to ever establish meaningful relationships. Many people, to varying degrees, become relationship addicts. They become addicted to serial one-sided relationships. These relationships fail to benefit either party and are not healthy for anyone.

There are two basic types of codependency. The typical codependent behavior is people-pleasing. It is described as being overly caring, being the martyr or being the victim.

The other type of codependent behavior is referred to as counter-dependency. It is identified with phrases like, "It's all about me," and, "I need to be right." Counter-dependent behavior is usually controlling and manipulative.

People can exhibit both types of codependent behavior. Most people favor one over the other.

As addicts begin to recover from their primary addiction, they will become more aware of how they express codependency and/or counter-dependency. This is yet another form of addiction that must be addressed to RecoverYES.

People have a responsibility to focus on their own recovery without harming others, but they will unavoidably be around other people. It is unsustainable to expect that a person can stop interacting socially. In most cases, they cannot just stop communicating with friends and family.

Rather, as a component of recovery, an addict can learn to develop truly intimate relationships. This is possible by using effective forms of communication. With thoughtful consideration and intention, conversations with other people can support recovery. At the same time, relationships with loved ones can be healed.

We use an intentional dialog process that we refer to as the MCIVE (mirror, check, invite, validate, empathize) approach. Communication is a two-way street. Most prefer that conversations be solely focused on their agenda. This is often seen as counter-dependent behavior. It can be overwhelmingly challenging just to learn to listen attentively to others. However, really listening allows the other person to express thoughts and feelings without interruption.

To confirm having heard what has been said, it is helpful to periodically mirror what the person is saying back to them. For example, a common mirroring statement might be, "So, what you are saying is _____." This sounds simple but it is very challenging in practice. The objective is to demonstrate to the other person that they have been heard. This also helps to validate their thoughts and feelings.

After mirroring back what has been communicated, check to make sure that the person was heard correctly. It can be confirming to ask someone to add explanation to what he or she is saying. This further demonstrates that interest is sincere.

Once both parties agree that what has been communicated has been heard, invite the person to add additional information. Ask him or her to provide some clarification. Some people will be uncomfortable with this new communication process. It may be necessary to encourage friends and family to continue sharing their feelings. Similar experiences can be shared to validate what they have shared. This shows empathy with what they are feeling.

Effective communication is crucial to developing healthy emotional relationships. Without this, both parties are likely to feel some level of rejection or discomfort. An important part of recovery is working to mend broken relationships. As they are mended, addicts can also learn to develop new ones that will be supportive of recovery.

Insider's Keys to Recovery

  |

     At the root of most addiction is another type of dependency - codependency.

     We use an intentional dialog process that we refer to as the MCIVE (mirror, check, invite, validate, empathize) approach. Communication is a two-way street.

     Emotionally healthy relationships rely on developing effective communication skills.

---|---

## 2nd Key Summary

In summary, the 2nd Key - Build the Structure reminds us that the activities that lead to 'acting out' or engaging in addictive behaviors have been ritualized over time. They are engrained patterns in an addict's life but can be changed. Addicts can avoid falling into habitual patterns of behavior with deliberate thought and recognition that the risk is not worth the reward. It is critical for addicts to develop awareness of their surroundings and how they may be affected by them.

The importance of activities and interactions with other people cannot be minimized. Sometimes it is necessary to detach from people and events that are draining physically and emotionally. This may be the hardest step on the recovery journey because it is likely that loved ones will be disappointed due to unmet expectations.

Remember, failing to recover is a much bigger problem. And failing to remain in recovery hurts all concerned. It is very likely that minimizing the importance of prioritizing recovery would be a much greater disappointment to these very same people.

We have assembled a resources area on our web site specifically for Insider's Guide readers. Instant access is available by visiting www.RecoverYES.com/InsidersAT.

# 3rd Key

Develop Character

The third key to recovery focuses on developing the character that will be required to sustain recovery. We will explore the process of awakening from addiction. The emphasis is on the positive steps taken (or about to be taken) to move from contemplating recovery to actually planning and, ultimately, taking action to recover. Recovery is a journey without a destination, but just like any other journey, it can be much easier, quicker and more enjoyable if there is a map and navigation to refer to.

Creating a Virtual Bottom

We will discuss how to avoid hitting bottom before making the decision to recover by developing a vision of the undesirable future that is likely if addictive behavior continues.

Trying Your Best

We will discuss the importance of trying hard every day - that best should always be relative to energy level, which changes daily.

Decision is 80 Percent

We will discuss that the most elusive step on the recovery journey is moving from contemplating the addiction problem to deciding to plan for recovery.

Slip vs. Relapse

We will discuss that, in recovery, there is a major difference between a slip and a relapse. It is possible to learn from a slip without the shame and frustration that results in relapse.

Knowledge vs. Awareness

We will discuss the difference between knowing the concepts involved in recovery and being aware of how the concepts feel as they are applied.

Humility

We will discuss how expressing humility is not an admission of failure but rather a stepping stone to accessing the power needed for recovery.

## Creating a Virtual Bottom

Most addicts only get serious about recovery after hitting rock bottom. This tends to happen when their addictive behavior has caused them to lose control of their lives. Hitting rock bottom may be caused by one of several traumatic experiences: the loss of a prestigious job, the breakup of the family, a devastating health diagnosis, or costly legal trouble. The sad thing is that addicts don't normally make the decision to recover - or even consider the need to recover - until this bottoming-out occurs.

For those thinking bottom has not been hit, there is comfort. Hitting rock bottom isn't a necessary part of the recovery process. But why would an addict wait to get serious about recovery until the breaking point is reached? It is because, at the breaking point, the addict begins to realize the loss of important things in life, and recovery appears to be the only way to salvage the situation.

When an addict hits rock bottom, they typically think that recovery is possible without help. The ego is still running the show. The addict believes they can handle the addictive behavior without "calling in the cavalry."

As we will discuss in our lesson on the "pseudo-self," addicts must have a conversation with their egos. It might go something like this: "Look, ego... I appreciate that you're trying to help me, but we might not have this situation totally under control. If we can start working on this now, without completely destroying our lives, we both get to enjoy the fruits of recovery."

Who is it that is talking to the ego? It is that part of the psyche that knows and constantly communicates with higher power and inner-knowing. It is that part of the self that has an endless desire to heal and to grow.

There are other things that can be done rather than waiting until the inevitable bottom occurs. Addicts can focus on the realization that if they continue to neglect their addictions, they will eventually hit that rock bottom. Once they realize that they are fated to crash and burn, they will start to grasp that they should begin recovery now, before the worst occurs.

It is important to create a virtual bottom to be able to do this. This virtual bottom needs to feel real enough to create acceptance that the inevitable is closer than it may currently seem. What's the best way to do this? There are two methods.

The first method is to accept that this IS the bottom. Life is not working. We see addicts emerging from this place whole, clear, free and truly reaching a place of joy and freedom. Reading this book helps people to achieve this. The mind can make the necessary changes to see this happen.

The other method is to imagine the worst possible outcome if the addictive behavior continues. This is where listening to other people's stories in support group meetings can be helpful. Some people have reached an even lower bottom. Their sharing creates a vision of where the addict could go next. This helps addicts realize that, "But for the grace of the universe, there go I." Addictive behaviors are progressive. With real humility, the addict can say, "Not yet."

What relationships will be destroyed? How will the satisfaction of daily activities be lessened or lost? What will happen to the things that make life truly enjoyable? It is important for addicts to create feelings of sadness, despair and hopelessness whenever they think about the tragic losses that they are likely to experience.

This process should not be taken lightly since thoughts and feelings create reality. This virtual bottom should be a wake-up call. It is designed to encourage making recovery a priority, which is just the way it should be.

Insider's Keys to Recovery

  |

     Hitting rock bottom isn't a necessary part of the recovery process.

     When an addict hits rock bottom, they typically think that recovery is possible without help.

     It is important to create a virtual bottom to avoid the reality of hitting bottom. This virtual bottom needs to feel real enough to create acceptance that the inevitable is closer than it may currently seem.

---|---

## Trying Our Best

We've all experienced days when we wake up on the wrong side of the bed. In recovery, days like this can be extremely challenging. The low energy level tends to stick around until the recovering addict puts their head back on the pillow that night. All of us have days where we're dragging from the moment the alarm goes off, even if we're not ill.

In contrast, some days the addict might wake up bursting with energy. These are the days when it's easy to be really productive and to stick to the plan.

Most days are normal: not bad, not great. It's up to the individual to make the most of it.

It is important that addicts embrace the day-to-day changes in energy level as a normal and acceptable part of life. Recovery is a process, similar to getting physically fit. There will be days where energy level affects the willingness to stay focused on recovery.

The addict's job, if you want to call it that, is to try hard each and every day. This doesn't mean that they will be equally focused every day. "Best" is relative to daily energy level, and only the addict knows if they have truly done their best.

On the days when the addict hits the snooze button five times and struggles to stay awake in the shower, they must understand and accept that the very best for that day may simply be sticking to the recovery plan, attending a support group meeting, or otherwise making sure to stay away from the cliff. Without the energy to do more, pushing it will not help!

The tendency for addicts is to be really hard on themselves and to beat themselves up. The awareness of doing one's best, even on a low-energy day, is very liberating. It allows addicts to acknowledge that some days are better than others and to be gentle with themselves when they are only capable of just making it through the day.

On normal days, the addict should take advantage of the increased energy and enthusiasm and do a bit more. Remember, "best" is relative. The addict should continually ask, "Is this the best I can do?"

Addicts often have highly developed skills in manipulation that they have perfected with themselves. They must learn to be honest, first and foremost, with themselves. For example, if an addict has been involved with triggering events that have, in the past, led to acting out, they must be willing and able to ask the question, "Is this the best I can do?"

Want to guarantee that tomorrow's energy level will be higher?

Just before going to sleep, the addict should recall at least one positive thing that happened during the day. This will help the subconscious mind focus on a higher-vibration thought during sleep. This is the opposite of what people normally hear, which is to focus on what went wrong!

Trying hard will feel challenging. It should feel like a "stretch" for the energy the person feels like putting into recovery that day. There is personal satisfaction and power created when the addict knows they have given it their best.

Insider's Keys to Recovery

  |

     It is important that addicts embrace the day-to-day changes in energy level as a normal and acceptable part of life.

     Addicts often have highly developed skills in manipulation that they have perfected with themselves. They must learn to be honest, first and foremost, with themselves.

     Trying hard will feel challenging. It should feel like a "stretch" for the energy the person feels like putting into recovery that day.

---|---

## Decision is 80 Percent

Addicts often spend years of their lives thinking about the need to recover, in part because they may not have experienced their personal bottom yet, and in part because they may be hesitant to admit that there is a problem.

On the road to recovery (or when making any change, for that matter), there are a lot of stages to go through: pre-contemplation, contemplation, planning, action and maintenance. Each stage can last moments or years. And they may be repeated many times over.

In pre-contemplation, the addict is not even be aware that there is a problem. Denial may still manage to mask the ill effects of addictive behavior. This keeps addictive behavior from taking center stage. To keep the denial mechanism intact, the addict would not even be willing to read this lesson unless forced to... and then would develop a list of reasons why it doesn't apply to their circumstances.

Moving into the contemplation stage, the addict experiences ambivalence and weighs the pros and cons of continuing the addictive behaviors. This stage can go on indefinitely, until reaching the tipping point where the cons clearly outweigh the pros.

There is usually an "aha" moment that moves an addict from contemplation to planning. This is the moment where the addict makes the decision to change the behavior. This moment of "aha" is not a struggle or a challenge. It happens naturally once the addict has put enough pieces together. The picture becomes pretty clear. The moment is actually an emotional - even spiritual - experience.

If the addict has been stuck in contemplation for a while, how is it possible move to forward to planning and action? The lessons in this Insider's Guide are designed to address this.

The addict can create a virtual bottom and write a pros and cons list. The addict can learn about how addiction works and talk with other people who have experienced recovery. And, sometimes, when the consequences of behavior mount high enough, leaving no other option. Life moves the addict abruptly to the next stage. This might even involve intervention.

At this point, starting to plan the action steps for recovery can actually bring relief. The addict admits they must make wholesale life changes... and they're going to make them! There is a commitment to do something that didn't seem possible not long ago.

It goes something like this: "Today is the day I'm going to start planning my recovery." The recovery plan, after all, is what moves an addict out of passive contemplation and, finally, to taking action. It puts the addict squarely on the starting line for the recovery journey after spending so much time thinking about it.

This Insider's Guide is designed to help identify blocks to recovery. It will demonstrate the importance of creating a comprehensive plan that provides the confidence to begin and continue recovery.

Only a fool would consider traveling across the country without a map or navigation system. The recovery journey is riddled with opportunities to quit. It may not be possible to avoid every obstacle, but the recovery plan will help avoid most of them.

Making the decision to recover is probably the most elusive step on the recovery journey. After dropping the resistance, it is effortless.

There is a saying that, "Decision is 80 percent of the effort." It could also be said that, "Resistance is 80 percent of the problem."

Considering the costs and benefits of recovery can lead to the "aha" moment. This allows the addict to drop the resistance and choose recovery. Once the planning process has begun, the addict is more likely to see that plan turned into action.

And, as a reminder, it is possible to circle back through the stages of change many times before getting to and sustaining the maintenance phase of recovery. With every pass, the addict learns more about what tends to sabotage their progress. The next time the addict is ready to plan for recovery, there are lessons that have been learned and the plan can be even more sound.

Insider's Keys to Recovery

  |

     On the road to recovery (or when making any change, for that matter), there are a lot of stages to go through: pre-contemplation, contemplation, planning, action and maintenance.

     There is usually an "aha" moment that moves an addict from contemplation to planning.

     Making the decision to recover is probably the most elusive step on the recovery journey.

---|---

## Slip vs. Relapse

All the lessons in this Insider's Guide are important and should be synthesized for the most value. This lesson provides yet another fresh perspective on that controversial topic we've previously addressed: sobriety.

One of the finest lines addicts walk in recovery is the line between maintaining sobriety and relapsing. Many people think that each day is filled with opportunities to avoid yielding to addictive behavior. A lot of recovery programs focus so much on sobriety that addicts transfer their source of personal pride to an organization outside themselves. Announcing the number of days of sobriety becomes a competition. Many addicts that completely abstain from their addictive behavior find this rewarding. For many others, it does more harm than good.

When addicts slip and have a drink, smoke or binge in some way, the long-term numerical streak of sobriety drops all the way back to zero. The source of pride that they felt just yesterday gives way to tremendous feelings of guilt and shame. This can be very burdensome. What would have been a slip turns into a full-blown relapse. Maintaining sobriety for a long time can be a wonderful accomplishment and it may be a goal that is strived for. But keeping a tally of total days of sobriety can be a dangerous game. As goals go, it may be an unnecessary - and even unrealistic - one.

There is a better way to look at recovery sobriety. We just need to focus on how many total days of sobriety there were over a period of time and compare it to what was experienced before starting the recovery journey. For example, maybe the addict acted out every day before recovery and even in the early days of actual recovery. Then, they slipped twice in the first 30 days and went from 30 days of acting out to only two. That is a big positive change!

Eventually, enough healing occurs that acting out loses its appeal. But, early on, the addict can instead focus on the positive relative change and not on how many consecutive days of sobriety have been achieved. This way, the shame that is a driving force behind acting out is avoided. Addicts should be gentle on themselves. Recognizing imperfection can transform shame into hope.

Sometimes, as humans, we slip up. A slip is a momentary lapse that is quickly corrected. For instance, though an alcoholic may want to completely abstain, they may accept an invitation to a party thinking that they're ready to be in a social situation that involves drinking. Unfortunately, they slip and have a drink.

The key is what happens next.

If the alcoholic goes home after the drink and contemplates how the acting out ritual progressed to the point of having a drink, there is very little harm to the recovery process. These slips can actually provide major insight into the addiction ritual and create an even deeper resolve to continue with and improve the recovery plan. The addict will realize that although they slipped and ended up in a risky situation, they had the personal power to get out of it. This minimizes the damage and provides affirmation and confirmation that they are making progress in recovery. The experience has shown that dangerous binges can be prevented which is not what was experienced with addictive behavior in the past.

On the other hand, slips can easily turn into relapses. A relapse occurs when the slip spirals out of control. After having one drink, the alcoholic has six more, getting drunk. The shame from that major slip causes such a setback that the slip extends to a six-week binge. At the end of the binge, the alcoholic has returned to the pre-contemplation stage. While most addicts in recovery would prefer to avoid this experience, it is critical to begin the recovery process again.

Even full relapse does not require starting from scratch! What was learned prior to the relapse still applies and can provide an enhanced commitment when recovery is reignited. The key is to get back on the horse again! Let's face it - change can be hard! Just ask a "non-addict" to give up their favorite soda or stop chewing gum! Addicts should be gentle on themselves and stay the course.

The truth is that every recovery journey is unique. We have known fully recovered people who never relapsed. We have known others who struggled for ten years and relapsed continuously before finding some stability for their recovery.

Insider's Keys to Recovery

  |

     One of the finest lines addicts walk in recovery is the line between maintaining sobriety and relapsing.

     Keeping a tally of total days of sobriety can be a dangerous game.

     Even full relapse does not require starting from scratch! What was learned prior to the relapse still applies and can provide an enhanced commitment when recovery is reignited.

---|---

## Knowledge vs. Awareness

"The teacher who is indeed wise does not bid you to enter the house of his wisdom but rather leads you to the threshold of your mind." \- Khalil Gibran

As humans, we endlessly acquire knowledge. From an early age, we are schooled in reading, writing, arithmetic and, most importantly, life. Addicts are no less capable of acquiring knowledge. In fact, a lot of successful and intelligent people are addicts.

With the ever-expanding information network, gaining knowledge keeps getting easier and easier. It is wonderful to have access to a limitless amount of information. There are now countless resources for addiction recovery. But knowledge of the concepts of recovery will not necessarily help a person recover. Knowledge is merely gaining information, storing information in our brains.

We suggest taking any knowledge gained about recovery further. It is best to apply awareness to daily experiences. Awareness is the application of the knowledge gained. Addicts can then become aware of how the addiction behaves and apply that awareness to the development of a recovery plan and process. Then, they can apply each new concept learned about recovery to their life, in real time.

For instance, the addict can learn about cross addiction or multiple addictions. They could share examples of people they know that demonstrate the concept of cross addiction. They may identify an experience that illustrates how cross addiction works. This proves that they have knowledge of cross addiction.

How does knowledge move to awareness?

Become a witness in life. The addict begins to observe their own behavior along with the behavior of others. They see cross addiction as it is happening. They may start by pointing out past situations where multiple addictions have slowed down attempts at recovery. Ultimately, a person can work towards gaining the ability to be aware, in the present moment, of an opportunity to respond differently by not trading one addiction for another.

Transformation can begin when there is awareness of the addiction and recovery processes. Knowledge helps to plan for recovery, but awareness must be present to actually take the action needed to sustain recovery. To develop awareness, we suggest practicing mindful meditation.

This may not seem to stack up against a problem like addiction, but making this a daily practice of five to ten minutes per day will greatly increase the ability to transfer knowledge into awareness. Awareness is a skill that, like most others, is developed with practice.

Addicts can start by identifying where they can apply the concepts learned here in this Insider's Guide. This will help to build awareness skills and enhance the self-discovery process.

Insider's Keys to Recovery

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     Addicts can become aware of how their addiction behaves and apply that awareness to the development of a recovery plan and process.

     Transformation can begin when there is awareness of the addiction and recovery processes.

     Knowledge helps to plan for recovery, but awareness must be present to actually take the action needed to sustain recovery.

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## Humility

Addiction is short-term gain that leads to long-term pain. Recovery is short-term pain that leads to long-term gain.

The RecoverYES addiction recovery philosophy is based on the idea that addicts developed a fragmented personality to function among other humans. People try to control situations and the behavior of others by leading with the personality fragment they think will be most effective based on the circumstances.

This creates deep-seated issues that must be addressed to recover the true ethereal self - the goal of RecoverYES.

Looks can be deceiving and intoxicating. People may temporarily feel "super-human" as it appears that they are successfully monitoring and managing everyone else's behavior and problems. They appear strong on the outside. They look like they can handle even the most challenging crises.

As we mentioned, looks can be deceiving. Inwardly, they are experiencing tremendous anxiety. Any moment one of the balls could drop, sending everything into chaos.

This personality trait puts addicts in an awkward position when they enter recovery. And, it is pretty easy to see that the pride they previously experienced from helping others plays a great role in motivating them to continue what they've been doing. Most addicts have succeeded in other areas of life, and their perception is that they did it on their own. It prevents them from both admitting that they need help and seeking the resources needed to start recovery.

In many cases, it is this same pride that told them they were not addicted... trapping them in pre-contemplation for far too long. It kept them from admitting that they needed to address the problem. And, even once an addict admits they have a problem that needs to be addressed, pride makes them think they don't need outside help to deal with it. Addicts have always handled others' problems. It's understandable that they believe that they should now be able to help themselves with their own recovery.

A word of warning: this is the same ego talking that created the problem in the first place!

Humility is an essential part of addiction recovery. Powerlessness leads to becoming powerful. Developing humility is key to navigating the recovery journey successfully. If a person lives their life with a "know-it-all" attitude, they tend to focus on their own short-term needs. This can lead to relapse. The addict knows how to solve a problem in the short-term. They can be very convincing when the pressure is turned up.

When a person experiences humility, the ego or false self lets go just a little bit, and there is a vacuum for the real, ethereal self to fill the void. This is one of the foundational spiritual or natural laws. When we create a vacuum, new energy flows in to fill it.

Addicts may also feel like "the world owes them." This is sometimes referred to as a sense of entitlement. They've spent so much time helping solve everyone else's problems, they feel they deserve to do exactly what they want to do.

Humility will help an addict admit that the voice in their head telling them they deserve to act out might not be reliable. Without humility, they may ignore the advice of those who have gone ahead of them on the recovery journey.

They are more likely to be consumed with resentment. They will likely resent everything that is not in agreement with their own self-talk. Pride can make them believe that they should ignore the opinions of others or refuse to ask for help.

The answers and power to overcome addictions lie within everyone. The true ethereal self already knows this, but the process of self-discovery will most likely require the wisdom and help of others who have been through a similar situation to experience the truth in this statement. People have often come out wiser as a result of their experiences. Sometimes it takes the perspective of someone on the "outside" to point out to us what is right in front of us. This could be the shortcut needed to develop the awareness that will hurl the addict forward on the recovery journey.

If the goal is to recover the true ethereal self, the addict must let go of pride and use every tool available. Everyone can develop a sense of humility. Everyone can overcome a reluctance to ask for help. This will also help to develop relationship skills that will make life much more fulfilling.

Insider's Keys to Recovery

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     Most addicts have succeeded in other areas of life, and their perception is that they did it on their own. It prevents them from both admitting that they need help and seeking the resources needed to start recovery.

     Humility will help an addict admit that the voice in their head telling them they deserve to act out might not be reliable.

     Sometimes it takes the perspective of someone on the "outside" to point out to us what is right in front of us.

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## 3rd Key Summary

In summary, the 3rd Key - Develop Character reminds us that the moment of awakening to the realization that recovery is needed is one of the most powerful moments a person can have. If the recovering addict allows it to, this awakening can catapult them into the pursuit of recovery, providing tremendous energy and resourcefulness.

Everything needed to recover right now is readily available!

As the addict develops self-awareness and begins to recover the true ethereal self, life will be much more rewarding and fulfilling. The life of an addict is pretty empty between the highs. The alternative life in recovery is not filled with such stark contrast. There is a high that is experienced with simple pleasures.

The recovery journey will include plenty of obstacles and opportunities to learn and grow. The addict is uncovering, discovering and recovering the true ethereal self - it is the essence of RecoverYES.

We have assembled a resources area on our web site specifically for Insider's Guide readers. Instant access is available by visiting www.RecoverYES.com/InsidersAT.

# 4th Key

Gut Instinct

The fourth key to recovery focuses on learning to trust the gut instinct that has most likely been "drowned out" by addiction. We will focus on developing a relationship with our Higher Power to help increase awareness. Higher Power is spiritual. It is, in essence, Your Ethereal Self. This self does not experience the need to act out. It can help, in the human experience, to see that acting out is not desirable and not even preferable.

Higher Power is pure love. It's there... waiting to be accessed so that it can provide divine guidance and assistance.

Religion and Spirituality

We will discuss the difference between religion as a belief system and spirituality as an individual relationship with a Higher Power - and how a person can learn to trust inner guidance.

Higher Power Personal Paradigm

We will discuss how life experiences have molded our understanding of a Higher Power and why it is important to be willing to develop a renewed relationship with inner guidance.

Ye Are Gods

We will discuss the source of personal power and how that power can help anyone to overcome both traumatic events and addictions.

Meditation vs. Prayer

We will discuss how to distinguish between prayer and meditation, including how practicing both can help to develop self-awareness to avoid slips or relapse.

Spirit and Heart Emotions

We will discuss how to differentiate between emotions of the heart and spirit in order to develop the power of choice in the moment to moderate emotions and react mindfully.

Living in the Moment

We will discuss how to develop the skill of living in the moment, including awareness of individual thought process and the resulting emotion.

## Religion and Spirituality

One of the major problems addicts face in recovery is rekindling self-respect, self-confidence and learning to trust their own decision-making skills. They have spent so much time making unhealthy choices and bad decisions, allowing addictions to run the show, that it becomes very difficult to believe that an inner guidance or higher power still exists.

Rest assured. It is still there. Addicts have just learned to drown it out or have conditioned it to be quiet. In recovery, addicts are going to tune back in and listen closely for the wisdom it has to share. Our higher power - or the source of our inner guidance - refers to our spiritual nature.

Spirituality is based on the concept that we are spiritual beings as much as we are physical beings. We are part of the source energy that forms all creation. Everything in the universe is energy that is simply taking various forms.

Physical energy vibrates more slowly than spiritual or thought energy. Rocks vibrate more slowly than living beings but they are still part of source energy. Spirit is the essence of source energy.

The more aware we are of this energy, the higher we vibrate energetically. When we vibrate at a higher energy level, we feel more connected to spiritual energy. We feel connected to our inner guidance or our inherent spirituality.

Religion is essentially a cultural phenomenon. The belief system associated with a specific religion may or may not include the idea that we are spiritual beings. On the other (or another) hand, spirituality is not a belief system. It does not require religion. Spirituality may be expressed through religion. It is a personal experience. Here, our connection to source energy or a higher power is evident in our dealings with everyone and everything around us. For addicts, spirituality involves reacquiring trust in - and the ability to follow - their inner guidance.

One school of thought is that many addicts try addictive behaviors or substances to bypass more readily accepted processes used to reach higher spiritual energy levels. These seemingly more lengthy processes that are widely used to feel more spiritually connected include meditation, prayer, forgiveness, nature walks, journaling, service work and other spiritual practices.

The truth is that, for a while, it works! An addict can reach an incredible high... extremely quickly and reliably. Unfortunately, it is followed by an incredible crash. The highs get shorter in duration; the crash comes more quickly and more intensely. The consequences begin to mount.

Addicts believe that they need the addictive substances or behaviors to achieve the high. Many spiritual and religious practices teach that humans can reach higher energy levels by engaging in certain spiritual practices. Indeed, one of the most compelling aspects of 12-step programs is that higher energy spiritual states are created when people of like-mind come together and form a trusting community.

However, many addicts resist spirituality because it has been linked to religious abuse (in some form) as children or because it just does not seem to resonate with them. Religion and its accompanying rituals can actually make addicts feel worse as it triggers unpleasant memories.

One universal spiritual truth is that when we vibrate at a higher level, we feel better. And, everyone wants to feel better! So, it becomes important for addicts to find spiritual practices that are energizing for them.

If religion does provide community and comfort, perhaps it is time to explore some of the more spiritual aspects of the religion of choice in order to find a suitable substitute for the addictive highs. And, conversely, if religion feels unsafe, then it makes sense to find other spiritual practices that do resonate. Some have found comfort in spiritual practices that would have never been considered prior to recovery.

It's important that this key ingredient is not forgotten... even if fellow attendees at support group meetings become the spiritual community. Minimizing the need to develop spiritually will hinder the recovery process and make it much more difficult, or impossible, to RecoverYES.

We suggest identifying higher energy activities that help the individual feel better and don't result in dire consequences. These activities do not lower energy levels making the person feel worse afterwards. The goal is to feel energized with a healthy high. With a recovery plan that is chock full of substitutes to "get high on life," the recovering addict does not even consider returning to their old ways and addictive behaviors.

Insider's Keys to Recovery

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     For addicts, spirituality involves reacquiring trust in - and the ability to follow - their inner guidance.

     When we vibrate at a higher energy level, we feel more connected to spiritual energy. We feel connected to our inner guidance or our inherent spirituality.

     With a recovery plan that is chock full of substitutes to "get high on life," the recovering addict does not even consider returning to their old ways and addictive behaviors.

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## Higher Power Personal Paradigm

Many addicts have experienced trauma. They have been wounded by one, or more likely, many experiences in life. One source of this wounding may be growing up in an oppressive religious environment. Many people have negative feelings related to their experience with religion.

Even if they don't feel wounded by their religious upbringing, these experiences may be the source of a less than favorable view of God, higher power or spirituality. But, it is important to recognize that experiences with religion do not negate the existence of a higher power. It can be helpful to focus on spiritual experiences if religion is getting in the way.

Recognizing the existence of some type of higher power is an essential part of recovery. Continuing with recovery is a difficult process. After weeks of sobriety, an addict may question how they fit into this world. Recognition of a higher power is essential to finding meaning and purpose in life.

A higher power does not necessarily equate to God. Higher power can be any power greater than oneself. The goal here is not to promote a belief in a specific God. Rather, it is to understand that we are not all-powerful as our human self.

Most people entering recovery suffer from a false sense of power and control. Recognizing a higher power can be the source of great relief in recovery. Becoming willing to accept that there is power that lies beyond what is visible provides comfort, structure and guidance to move past negative feelings. It will also get a person past the need to justify hurtful actions.

As addicts begin to develop a relationship with their higher power, they may need to start with their earliest beliefs in some power higher than themselves. They need to examine how those youthful experiences have molded their current understanding of a higher power. Higher power is an ally and a patient friend. It will wait... as long as it takes.

Insider's Keys to Recovery

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     It can be helpful to focus on spiritual experiences if religion is getting in the way.

     Recognizing the existence of some type of higher power is an essential part of recovery.

     As addicts begin to develop a relationship with their higher power, they may need to start with their earliest beliefs in some power higher than themselves.

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## Ye Are Gods

According to quantum physics, everything in the universe is comprised of energy. Every one of us, everything on this planet, is made up of constantly moving energy. At this most basic level, we are all the same. We grow up with the idea that we are all different and separate from one another. Appearances and our senses seem to validate this idea of separation. But, the truth is that, as energy, we are all the same. In fact, we are all connected on an energetic level.

What differentiates one thing or one person from another is their speed of vibration. Light, cell phone waves and radio waves all vibrate at much higher speeds than solid objects. Thoughts are also energy and are just as real as this book. The underlying basis of this lesson and of RecoverYES is that thoughts create reality. Our thoughts are directly linked to who we are and what we experience.

David Hawkins, in his book "Power vs. Force," theorizes that our thoughts also have different energy levels. On the low end of the thought energy spectrum are thoughts of shame, hopelessness, fear and anger. On the higher end are thoughts of appreciation, hope, love, peace and joy.

We are all individual energetic expressions of universal source energy (USE). Some people call universal source energy God or Higher Power. We are channels for the same energy that created the universe!

So, why do some people feel so miserable and choose addictions to help them feel better?

They feel miserable because they have blocked the flow of energy that wants to move through them. In fact, it takes a great deal of energy to block USE. We are all energy, we are all connected energetically and we can tap into USE. These are the insights that are key to sustaining recovery. This Insider's Guide will provide suggestions for how to remove blocks and tap into USE.

Another way to describe these concepts is that USE is within us as well as outside of us. Most of us grew up believing that USE is an entity that exists outside of us, but USE is also within us, and we are inside USE. We have access to incredible power if we will allow it!

The implications of this lesson are not insignificant. But we want to emphasize one key awareness. Within us and through us is access to more power than we can possibly imagine. Everyone has the ability to tap into that power to literally transform their world. Most importantly, addicts have the power to transform addiction(s) into more healthy and joyful activities. The next lesson suggests specific action to take to tap into that power.

Insider's Keys to Recovery

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     Every one of us, everything on this planet, is made up of constantly moving energy. At this most basic level, we are all the same.

     We are all individual energetic expressions of universal source energy (USE). Some people call universal source energy God or Higher Power. We are channels for the same energy that created the universe!

     Within us and through us is access to more power than we can possibly imagine. Everyone has the ability to tap into that power to literally transform their world.

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## Meditation vs. Prayer

In the last lesson, we discussed tapping into universal source energy (USE) and using USE.

The two principal means of accessing USE are meditation and prayer. Most people pray to their Higher Power, which is often referred to as God. We have chosen to use the term universal source energy because God and Higher Power can be emotionally charged from earlier life experiences. Where appropriate, we will use the term God to tap into those emotions. (Please feel free to substitute whatever term works best for you.)

The best description of prayer we have heard is "talking to the universe." And meditation, conversely, is listening to the universe. Both are powerful ways to access USE and can be practiced at the same time.

We recommend affirmative prayer as opposed to pleading prayer. Pleading prayer sounds like this: "Please, God, help me to overcome my addiction. Help me to stay sober." All prayer is good, but in positive prayer we might reword the above like this: "USE (God), I recognize I am already recovering from my addiction. I recognize that I am healing, maintaining sobriety and am on my way to a full recovery. Thank you for this gift." Positive or affirmative prayer is always in the first person and assumes that the person praying has already received the gifts being requested - because the truth is that they have!

We can take positive prayer to another level by affirming that God is within us as well as outside of us. The above prayer might sound like this: "I am healed from addiction and I am grateful to USE for providing awareness of my true ethereal self." We believe that, ultimately, one of the main goals of recovery is rediscovering our own Higher Power. We also believe in reclaiming that part of the psyche that has been "disowned" as codependence develops. This is sometimes referred to as the shadow or dark side. Positive, affirming prayer and meditation is a powerful way to do this.

Meditation is one of the simplest and yet most challenging tools used in recovery. It requires that we still the body and attempt to still the mind long enough to start to hear USE. One of the best ways to do this is to close the eyes and focus on one part of the body, like a foot or hand. This is referred to as mindfulness meditation.

Research has shown that it lowers anxiety and blood pressure while helping the body relax. When the eyes are opened and the body part is observed while continuing in meditation, the contrasting images between eyes closed and open can be amazing.

Another way to meditate is to focus on the breath. Give this a try.

Close the eyes. Count to four on the inhale, hold the breath for four counts, then count to eight on the exhale while pushing the abdomen/diaphragm out. This breathing practice has been shown to regulate the brainwaves formed in each half of the brain. It also brings about a deep state of relaxation. Just starting off with four breathing cycles a few times per day and building from there can be transformational.

Deepak Chopra, in his book "Freedom From Addiction," states that the one common denominator found with people who relapsed was that they discontinued their twice-daily meditation practice. We would add that if this Insider's Guide provides the motivation to add meditation to any recovery plan, it has been tremendously valuable.

Try it and see what happens! Commit to meditate for 10 minutes twice a day for 6 weeks and keep a journal to capture discoveries.

Insider's Keys to Recovery

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     The best description of prayer we have heard is "talking to the universe." And meditation, conversely, is listening to the universe.

     Positive or affirmative prayer is always in the first person and assumes that the person praying has already received the gifts being requested - because the truth is that they have!

     The one common denominator found with people who relapsed was that they discontinued their twice-daily meditation practice.

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## Spirit and Heart Emotions

Each and every day, we experience a wide range of emotions. For the addict, though, these emotions can be triggers for slips or relapse if they are not aware of them. We realize that gaining enough awareness of emotions that it becomes possible to avoid addictive behavior may seem difficult based on previous experience but, we're going to discuss the "basics" here to help get the process started.

First of all, we need to review our definitions of emotions of the heart and emotions of the spirit.

Emotions based on spirit are love, joy, peace, hope and appreciation, to name just a few. They originate from our spiritual nature, which speaks to us from our "gut." Emotions that come from the heart area are gladness, anger, loneliness, hurt, guilt, shame, sadness and fear.

Why do we distinguish between these types of emotions? Because it is quite possible to be in a spiritual state of joy or appreciation while we are experiencing the heart emotions of sadness or guilt.

Spirit-based emotions are high-vibration. They come from a place of love. We connect to spirit most directly through our gut. The phrase, "I'm following my gut instinct," is how we typically express this experience. We rely on our gut instincts because they are being downloaded from universal spirit, and we are actually feeling them in our gut. (Of course, we want to emphasize that this way of understanding the complexities of human emotions is purely arbitrary. This is how we have synthesized our understanding. Remember to take what resonates and disregard the rest!)

Heart-based emotions have a much broader range of vibration, with gladness being the highest and shame being the lowest. Notice that we did not call high-vibration emotions "positive" and low-vibration emotions "negative." These labels of positive and negative are our human way of differentiating them.

Almost all emotions of the heart have a primary emotion and a secondary emotion. The primary emotion is the root emotion. The secondary emotion is often what we are experiencing right at that moment. If, for example, a person (especially a man) experiences anger, he will find on deeper exploration that the primary triggering emotion is something else, like shame or fear.

How can anyone learn to differentiate all these emotions? In early recovery, one of the most important exercises to practice is becoming the observer/witness part of the self. The observer is a part of the consciousness that is aware that the person actually has consciousness that is separate from the physical presence.

The observer is an aspect of the psyche. It is separate yet connected and just... observes. One of the ways to practice this is to frequently ask the observer, "What am I feeling now?" or, "Where in my body am I feeling it?" Then experience the emotion and just observe it! Nothing else is needed. Just feel it and allow the observer to be present.

Heart emotions are physiological and only last 90 seconds! That's right - 90 seconds. That's how long the chemicals last in the body before they disperse. Why do people feel them for longer than 90 seconds? It's because they go back to the memory and retrigger it with the same thought that caused the emotion in the first place.

Knowing that an emotion only lasts 90 seconds is empowering. Surely anyone can ride out the storm of feelings for 90 seconds. The next lesson will address what to do to stop a flood of thoughts from causing continued re-experiencing of the emotion.

Finally, one of the most powerful exercises to practice is developing an appreciation list. When challenged, anyone can repeat the list and truly allow themselves to feel appreciation. Appreciation is a spirit-based/gut emotion that vibrates at a high energy level. What makes a state of appreciation beautiful is that we can feel anger, sadness, shame and fear while still being in a state of appreciation. This exercise, by itself, will lift a person to a higher vibration and help them to be even more aware of heart emotions.

Insider's Keys to Recovery

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     We rely on our gut instincts because they are being downloaded from universal spirit, and we are actually feeling them in our gut.

     In early recovery, one of the most important exercises to practice is becoming the observer/witness part of the self.

     Heart emotions are physiological and only last 90 seconds!

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## Living in the Moment

One of the most important practices that provides recovering addicts with peace of mind is living in the moment. Much of the addictive life is spent in a haze. Addicts have rarely spent time thinking about their actions as they were occurring. Mostly, they have drifted from one period of acting out to the next. Like most people, they are obsessing about some event in the past or worried about some event that might take place in the future.

Living in the moment is not the "just do it" lifestyle that modern commercialism speaks of. Living in the moment is actually about being entirely present in all actions. To be in the moment is to be aware of the feelings that are being experienced in any given situation. To practice this requires that the observer be the most important aspect of the psyche... at least for now. Developing awareness of the ebb and flow of human feelings is essential in recovery.

One of the best tools to practice being in the moment is periodically focusing on breathing. This can be done in the car, at the office or just watching TV. Take a few breaths and do nothing but be mindful of the breath. Some people use a trigger to remind them. Every time they open a door or perhaps every time they hear the phone ring, they focus on one breath.

Why does this work? The constant reminder that nothing is more important than this moment right now increases personal power. Most people have low personal power. Personal power can be equated to the voltage on a battery or an electrical outlet. If the voltage is low, it's monumentally challenging to deal well with day-to-day life. More importantly, the more personal power anyone has, the more they are able to make good decisions... especially about recovery.

So, juice up the personal power and focus on breath! It sounds so simple, but please trust us - it works!

By the way, all the other exercises we have discussed and will discuss also increase personal power. Just by reading this Insider's Guide, personal power will have already increased considerably. Keep up the good work!

Insider's Keys to Recovery

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     Living in the moment is not the "just do it" lifestyle that modern commercialism speaks of. Living in the moment is actually about being entirely present in all actions.

     One of the best tools to practice being in the moment is periodically focusing on breathing. This can be done in the car, at the office or just watching TV. Take a few breaths and do nothing but be mindful of the breath.

     The more personal power anyone has, the more they are able to make good decisions... especially about recovery.

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## 4th Key Summary

In summary, the 4th Key - Gut Instinct reminds us that recovery from addiction is made much easier by developing a robust relationship with Higher Power.

The moment that a person experiences the existence of a higher power and begins developing the ability to seek wisdom from that inner guidance is the moment when recovery becomes easier. Gaining the ability to be present in the moment and listening to the voice of inner guidance helps addicts see how they fit into this world and how important each decision is in creating a fulfilling life.

When we close our eyes, we can sense that there is a presence that is observing that the eyes are closed. This presence, the observer, is a valuable ally in recovery. As the observer is accessed more frequently, its presence will become a tool that makes the recovery journey much easier.

We have assembled a resources area on our web site specifically for Insider's Guide readers. Instant access is available by visiting www.RecoverYES.com/InsidersAT.

# 5th Key

Neighborhood Watch

The fifth key to recovery focuses on establishing a Neighborhood Watch program of sorts. When communities establish this program, they have determined that they need to keep an eye out for suspicious activity. There is an increased sense of security knowing that someone is on patrol.

We will develop an understanding and awareness of the pseudo-self and how that alternate self impacts the recovery journey. Ultimately, the addict must heal core wounds, and this requires feeling free to express the true ethereal self.

We will reflect on the authenticity of social interactions to begin to understand how relationships keep people trapped in the addictive process. As addicts learn to express their genuine nature and focus on expressing the true ethereal self, interactions become opportunities for growth, development and emotional maturation.

Protection of the True Ethereal Self

We will discuss how the human psyche protects the true ethereal self from injury during interactions with others by creating a pseudo-self during times of trauma.

Attachment Disorder

We will discuss disorganized attachment disorder: how it develops and what it does to limit the ability to experience healthy relationships.

Codependent vs. Counter-dependent

We will discuss how the pseudo-self is rooted in codependence and how that codependence can eventually spiral into counter-dependent acting out.

Embracing the Pseudo-self

We will discuss how addicts do not have character defects but rather a pseudo-self, a coping mechanism that has helped them survive to this point.

Neural Plasticity

We will discuss how the brain's neural networks can heal, allowing people to overcome addiction using recovery tools with intensity, consistency, frequency and duration.

Healing of Core Wounds

We will discuss how addiction is a symptom of disease (rather than the disease itself) and why the underlying core wound must be healed to recover from addiction.

## Protection of the True Ethereal Self

While working on recovery, addicts will begin to connect the dots between who they are and the addictive behaviors they have experienced. All addicts, to varying degrees, show codependent tendencies. As humans, we are naturally social creatures. Nearly everything we do requires interaction with other people. Just like us, these people have a near infinite number of personality traits themselves.

It is likely that an addict has experienced emotional wounding at some point in his or her life. To deal with that wounding, the true ethereal self created what was thought to be a less offensive version of the self. This is done in an attempt to avoid or lessen further injury. We call this the "pseudo-self." It is crucial for an addict to realize that the pseudo-self is the part of the overall personality that shows codependent traits and also creates the template to act out with addictive behavior.

Masking the true self with the pseudo-self is not necessarily a bad thing. We all tend to wear different masks depending on the people we are around. Consider why the pseudo-self was created at the time of the wounding. It demonstrates how well the defense mechanisms work. The person was experiencing pain and creating this pseudo-self was a way of trying to ease the pain.

In fact, the pseudo-self became very good at "reading" other people and picking up on their feelings, thoughts and emotions. For example, some people heard repeatedly as children the importance of being nice and good. They were punished severely when they "failed" to be nice and good. The false self which always appeared to be nice and good, even when the child didn't feel like being good or wasn't thinking or behaving that way, helped the child avoid punishment.

Sadly, it also conditioned that person early on to become quite skilled in the art of manipulation. It is very tiring to maintain this pseudo-self. It requires a person to constantly try to read the feelings, thoughts and emotions of others. The pseudo-self wants to ensure that it continues to be perceived as nice and good. So, codependence is born, is nourished and flourishes. At the same time, it drains the true ethereal self.

For some, the pseudo-self is not strong enough to ease the pain of not being accepted just the way they are. This leads to finding other substances, behaviors or people to relieve the pain. Thus, most addicts have a pseudo-self. But not all people with a highly developed pseudo-self are addicts. That is, unless we accept that the person becomes addicted to always leading with their pseudo-self.

To deconstruct how this happens, start by identifying interactions with others that develop out of an artificial or unhealthy concern. This helps to recognize a tendency to move towards and become trapped in codependent relationships. Once a tendency to act artificially has been identified, it is possible to develop the ability to react to situations more genuinely, rather than with the pseudo-self.

The true ethereal self begins to re-emerge and step forward. Cautiously at first and then with increasing confidence as healthy relationship skills develop.

Insider's Keys to Recovery

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     It is crucial for an addict to realize that the pseudo-self is the part of the overall personality that shows codependent traits and also creates the template to act out with addictive behavior.

     The false self which always appeared to be nice and good, even when the child didn't feel like being good or wasn't thinking or behaving that way, helped the child avoid punishment.

     Once a tendency to act artificially has been identified, it is possible to develop the ability to react to situations more genuinely, rather than with the pseudo-self.

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## Attachment Disorder

A person may feel the need to detach from relationships with others after an emotional injury. This happens when the development of the pseudo-self occurs. Disorganized attachment disorder describes the process of how this happens. Typically, disorganized attachment disorder happens as a child. This is often due to parental malfunctioning.

Interestingly, this is not always the result of absent, abusive or destructive parents. In fact, it can also result from over-indulgent parents. In the case of the latter, the child can feel smothered from too much affection. Dysfunctional parenting causes children to struggle. They strive hard to learn how to form healthy relationships with others.

To further complicate things, we can see clear examples that demonstrate how everyone reacts differently to the parenting they receive. In the case of a missing parent due to abandonment or death, a child does not automatically suffer from attachment issues. In fact, some will not experience any significant attachment problems. If the missing parental role is replaced by another person with whom the child develops a healthy bond, then healthy relationships will not be so difficult to establish. This may be a grandparent, foster parent or even a mentor.

It's not productive to blame parents for their lack of healthy parenting skills. When addicts begin to work on their issues, they will likely see that their parents were dealing with their own issues. They were probably not as committed to making changes as the addict now hopes to be. The purpose of identifying attachment disorder is to create awareness which is the first step towards healing it.

The result of attachment disorder is the absence of healthy relationships. Addicts usually express this in one of two ways. First, they may become overly involved with others (codependence). In this case, they become entangled or enmeshed with another person. This can develop to the extent where the addict may not know where they end and the other person begins.

The alternative is isolation. The addict begins to strive to avoid meaningful relationships with anyone. They become selfish, manipulative and ego-centric. We call this counter-dependence. Many addicts swing back and forth between codependence and counter-dependence. Either way, the attachment challenged person is just not sure how to create the healthy interpersonal connections they desire.

Attachment disorder is not the expression of the true ethereal self. It is a coping mechanism caused by damaging relationships. To recover from addictions requires developing or re-developing healthy relationships with others. Addicts will need to recognize how they relate with others, whether they become entangled or enmeshed with them or isolate themselves. It helps to gain awareness in order to choose to express the true ethereal self much more often.

Insider's Keys to Recovery

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     A person may feel the need to detach from relationships with others after an emotional injury.

     It's not productive to blame parents for their lack of healthy parenting skills. When addicts begin to work on their issues, they will likely see that their parents were dealing with their own issues.

     To recover from addictions requires developing or re-developing healthy relationships with others. Addicts will need to recognize how they relate with others, whether they become entangled or enmeshed with them or isolate themselves.

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## Codependent vs. Counter-dependent

Forgive us if it seems like we've covered this in a previous lesson. This issue is what we consider to be the root of addiction. In order to RecoverYES, healing from codependence is not optional. It helps to look at it through several lenses to fully grasp its power.

Addicts tend to have a personality that lends itself to dependency - not only on substances or activities, but also on people. Very few people, addicts or not, ever really open up and communicate intimately with others in their world. Rather, they create a version of themselves that they think others will find more acceptable or loveable - the pseudo-self.

Asked again, "What is codependency?"

It is the way we, as humans, learn to emotionally detach from others. As a result of codependency, people fail to create meaningful relationships. It is called codependency because so many people, in a way, become relationship addicts, dependent on pseudo-relationships with others.

Most likely, an addict became codependent at a very young age. Perhaps they were rewarded for being nice, kind, caring and nurturing... even when they didn't feel like acting that way. Not acting "appropriately" was life-threatening... it resulted in punishment or shame.

For the child, this resulted in an internal conflict. Since they didn't feel like being "good," they must not be lovable just the way they are. Thus, the "good" pseudo-self was created. This is what is referred to as codependence. It is a survival mechanism and was necessary because they were totally dependent on the parents for well-being.

In time, anger and a sense of self-righteousness starts to gain power. All the emotion that has been bottled up comes pouring out. They became an obnoxious, manipulative, selfish liar... and even a bully. They have flipped the coin to counter-dependency.

Most people have a dominant dependent pseudo-self. Some people present codependence to the world. But, if a person is really honest, they will see that they have also acted from counter-dependence at times.

The pseudo-self protects the true ethereal self from further harm. As long as a person is projecting the pseudo-self, they believe that they are not vulnerable. They are safe.

Another way to describe this is by using a model from transactional analysis referred to as the "drama triangle." At one point of the triangle is the Rescuer. This is the caretaking, codependent role. When the person being cared for does not respond like the Rescuer wants them to, the Rescuer gets angry.

This brings us to the second point on the triangle, called the Persecutor. This is the perpetrator or counter-dependent role. In this role, the Rescuer's anger and self-righteous justification comes out.

Then the Rescuer moves to the Victim role. This is the last point on the triangle. The Victim says, "I was only trying to help! I don't understand why you are upset with me! I'm the good person here!"

The cycle repeats itself over and over.

How can a person know if they are acting from a place of real love and caring as opposed to unhealthy codependence?

They must become aware of their motivation. If they are helping out of a desire to get something or to control the other person, then they are acting codependently. If they are helping with no expectation, then they are expressing real love and a genuine desire to be of service. Upon reflection, it can be really disturbing to realize that just about every action was motivated to manipulate another person.

Stuck in this cycle, a person can become incapable of true intimacy and start to feel empty. This results from never letting others know the real version of oneself. The codependent will latch on to another person. Here they will find temporary fulfillment in being "addicted" to this other person. The counter-dependent usually finds a codependent and/or other substances or behaviors to fill the void. These are what we referred to previously as secondary addictions.

In recovery, it is challenging to embrace a new way of being in the world. The addict has an opportunity to recreate relationships and make new ones based on the true ethereal self. Individuals can embrace this authentic interaction. As social creatures, everyone is dependent on others to some extent. This is true whether a person is an addict or not.

Recovery requires striving for interdependency rather than codependency. To be interdependent, a person must be very clear about their own desires. They must set boundaries. In an interdependent relationship, both parties honor the individual and joint desires. They also recognize reasonable boundaries.

Recovery, then, is not only abstinence from addictive substances or behaviors. It is also the healing of the true ethereal self so that the pseudo-self can rest.

Insider's Keys to Recovery

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     Codependence is a survival mechanism and was necessary because the child was totally dependent on the parents for well-being.

     Most people have a dominant dependent pseudo-self. Some people present codependence to the world. But, if a person is really honest, they will see that they have also acted from counter-dependence at times, and vice versa.

     To be interdependent, a person must be very clear about their own desires. They must set boundaries. In an interdependent relationship, both parties honor the individual and joint desires. They also recognize reasonable boundaries.

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## Embracing the Pseudo-self

As a recovering addict becomes aware of the pseudo-self, it can be easy to fall into criticism and a desire to push these character or personality traits away. This always results in the pseudo-self pushing back. It often makes the recovery journey more difficult than it needs to be.

This pseudo-self is not a character defect. It is important to accept this. In fact, with some help a person will realize that its creation was a brilliant move by the true ethereal self to lessen damage to the psyche. The issue is that this solution was the product of an immature and wounded decision-maker. Now, the addict can evaluate the current state and make a better, more informed, mature choice.

The problem-solving pseudo-traits that develop during periods of trauma become a person's default coping mechanism. The person will usually fall back on them when dealing with difficulties in life. Since these coping mechanisms are normally imprinted when the person is younger, they are often immature character traits. Once imprinted in the psyche, they continue to express themselves into adulthood, eventually in the form of acting out.

As we discussed previously, development of the pseudo-self is a coping mechanism that was created as a result of some trauma. It can be helpful to distinguish between "Big T's" and "Little t's."

Big traumas are easy to recognize. They are major events such as abuse, assault or a major accident (like a car crash).

Little traumas may be the result of living in a traumatic environment. For example, some households never acknowledge feelings, especially uncomfortable feelings such as anger or sadness. Teasing or bullying by a sibling or schoolmates can fall in this category. Research shows that little t's may actually be as, or even more, damaging than a single Big T.

At a certain point in recovery, a person might recognize that they feel emotionally "stuck." Their reaction to perceived threats is disproportionate based on the actual situation. In this case, it is likely that the emotional maturation was stunted at the time of the wounding.

Sadly, this means that when recovery is begun, a person has to maintain sobriety and manage withdrawal symptoms with the emotional maturity of an adolescent. If it feels like there is an 8-year old running the show, this is the explanation!

And, it can make wholesale life changes even more challenging. People in recovery are likely to experience loss, including the loss of friends and familiar people and places that were part of the addict's life. And, on top of everything else they are dealing with, they need to grow up emotionally. Simply put, that's a lot to process.

Growing up emotionally is one of the tougher parts of recovery. But, identification and recognition of emotionally immature coping mechanisms can help the recovering addict to get past them. They can develop healthier relationships with others. They can also develop healthier, more adult ways of dealing with problems.

Insider's Keys to Recovery

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     The problem-solving pseudo-traits that develop during periods of trauma become a person's default coping mechanism.

     Research shows that little t's may actually be as, or even more, damaging than a single Big T.

     Growing up emotionally is one of the tougher challenges of recovery. The addict must identify coping mechanisms that are emotionally immature and work to get past them.

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## Neural Plasticity

Forgive us for the science lesson, but this is an important (and fairly new) understanding that supports recovery. Let's start with the basics.

The human brain has evolved over time. There are three main and interdependent systems in the human brain:

   The brainstem and cerebellum (reptilian brain)

   The emotional and limbic system (mammalian brain)

   The cortex and neocortex (thinking brain)

The reptilian brain controls most autonomic systems, including heart rate, respiration, digestion, elimination and organ functioning. For many years, the healthcare community believed that we could not affect these areas. Now we know that, with biofeedback and meditation, we can alter these body functions.

This area is especially important because it is one area where the body stores trauma energy. This part of the brain cannot be reasoned with or talked to conventionally. In order to reach it, we have to talk to it through a different mind state. That's why a therapist may be required to resolve trauma. Some of the techniques used include hypnotherapy, eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR), Rapid Resolution Therapy® (RRT), and brain spotting.

The second area is the mammalian brain. This is the reward center for the brain. It is widely considered the area that is the most out of balance for addicts. In fact, recent research indicates that addicts typically suffer from a dysfunctional pleasure reward system. This may be due to an inability to produce adequate amounts of dopamine, which is one of the brain's "feel-good" chemicals. The theory is that this causes people to seek substances and behaviors that produce more dopamine. This could be why an inebriated addict brain looks "normal" in brain scans, while an inebriated non-addict brain looks abnormal.

This mammalian part of the brain also helps regulate emotion and is actually the emotional center of the brain. Some trauma energy is also stored here.

Together, these parts make up the primitive brain. All animals with a brain have a brainstem. All mammals have an emotional brain. (As an aside, this is why you can have an emotional connection with a cat or dog, but not with a lizard or a turtle. Lizards do not have an emotional brain center!)

The third part is the thinking brain. Not surprisingly, this area controls thinking, decision-making and impulse control, among other functions. This is the largest part of the human brain. One key understanding related to brain function is that the connections from the thinking to the primitive brain are much less dense than from the primitive to the thinking brain. This means that emotions and traumas can affect thinking much more readily than thinking can affect emotions.

In order to live amongst other humans, everyone has to learn how to regulate their emotions (preferably without resorting to codependency). This is an area where most addicts are poorly developed. Humans develop these, and any other, new skills through a process called neural plasticity.

Neural plasticity is the brain's ability to rewire and adapt to new challenges. It happens automatically, but it can also be brought on intentionally. Every time a person practices mindfulness, they are rewiring and retraining the brain. When an addict stays sober, the brain is being retrained. When practicing intentional dialogue, the recovering addict is building new neural connections. Neural plasticity is no different conceptually than lifting weights to increase muscle mass.

The good news is that new behaviors can immediately start creating new neural connections and rewire the brain. The challenge is that the old neural pathways are still there. The more the addict practices new behaviors, the deeper the new "groove" created. This means it is more likely that they will choose the new behaviors before falling into old patterns.

Research is constantly evolving our understanding of addiction and how we treat it. For now, research shows that the old pattern is always there, but the likelihood of choosing the old pathway decreases with time and with continuing to choose the new behaviors.

Healing the neural connections and creating new neural pathways requires a commitment to change. The change must be practiced with intensity, frequency, consistency and duration. Humans tend to want instant gratification, but recovery of the brain does not occur instantly. To heal the brain, addicts should practice sobriety from all addictive substances intensely, frequently, consistently and with duration.

What does this mean?

Intensity, in this example, would mean complete sobriety. In the case of alcohol or nicotine, they are completely eliminated, instead of trying to moderate with a single drink or a few cigarettes. Process addictions, such as sex addiction, require the addict to stop unhealthy behaviors. This might include eliminating pornography or chronic masturbation, among other behaviors.

Frequency would require that the person, every time a craving is experienced, practice the alternative behavior laid out in the recovery plan. In the beginning, they might experience cravings quite often and be constantly challenged to stick with the plan.

Consistency requires doing the same thing every time. The addict is creating a new, healthy neural pathway. The importance of having a plan developed in advance cannot be emphasized enough.

What does duration mean? It means that the person did not become an addict overnight. A person can't achieve true recovery overnight, either. It's going to take a while to heal the brain. It's going to take a while to ultimately heal core wounds.

The good news is that the body is recreating itself in every moment. In a few months, the body will have made major progress towards creating the new neural pathways. This will make choices for healthy behavior seem easier than choosing the old, destructive addictive behavior.

Once the process has begun, the recovering addict gets to choose which pathways - and thus behaviors - to practice. The choice gets easier and easier with time. The likelihood of choosing the old pathways is reduced.

Does this means an addict is free from ever returning to the old behaviors? No! But there is an alternative that was never there before. That is true personal freedom and recovery.

Insider's Keys to Recovery

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     The reptilian part of the brain cannot be reasoned with or talked to conventionally. In order to reach it, we have to talk to it through a different mind state. That's why a therapist may be required to resolve trauma.

     In order to live amongst other humans, everyone has to learn how to regulate their emotions (preferably without resorting to codependency).

     Healing the neural connections and creating new neural pathways requires a commitment to change. The change must be practiced with intensity, frequency, consistency and duration.

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## Healing of Core Wounds

In order to recover, one of the areas to work on is healing the core wounding that fuels addiction. When we talk about core wounding, we are talking about that first traumatizing wound. It left residual pain that continues to beg for its medication... the addictive behavior.

The source of core wounding can be found in all the likely places... and some that are not so likely. For example, core wounding can occur intentionally, resulting from harm inflicted by others, through abuse or neglect. It can occur from the unexpected loss of a loved one for any reason. Or it can occur accidentally, through interactions with others that cause the person to experience a physical and/or emotional hurt.

In order to thoroughly heal from addictions, a person must accept that the unhealthy compulsion to act out in varying ways will change. Addictions develop as a result of the emotionally immature problem-solving capacity we discussed previously. And, to truly heal from disorganized attachment disorder, requires growing emotionally more mature... learning new ways to communicate feelings and needs.

Humans are designed to socialize with others. To develop healthy, supportive relationships, the addict must acknowledge core wounds and then work to heal them. As recovering addicts do this, they can begin to own their actions and reactions when triggered. Triggering events become opportunities to see how far they've come and where they need more work.

It is common for addiction to be described as a disease. Disease is simply a state of dis-ease. Typically, the disease is discovered when the underlying cause exists for so long that it begins to reveal itself in outward symptoms. In the case of addiction, the underlying cause is the core wounding. The symptoms are evident in the chaos that the addiction creates.

This is often the reason for relapse. If the recovering addict is not working to heal core wounding, they are simply treating a symptom. The symptoms will be endless. When looking into the reasons for addiction, the addict should start with the core wounding that has occurred in their life. This healing is deeply personal and may require the help of a therapist that specializes in addressing the issues that require attention.

Insider's Keys to Recovery

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     Addictions develop as a result of an emotionally immature problem-solving capacity.

     It is common for addiction to be described as a disease. Disease is simply a state of dis-ease.

     If the recovering addict is not working to heal core wounding, they are simply treating a symptom.

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## 5th Key Summary

In summary, the 5th Key - Neighborhood Watch reminds us that on the recovery journey, the addict must remain present and aware of interactions with others. By continuously analyzing social interactions, as quickly as possible, the recovering addict can ensure that they are not creating new pseudo-relationships based on artificial personalities that will result in what we call a 'codependent relapse.' Recovery requires striving to avoid taking on the burdens and responsibilities of others.

Maintaining the true ethereal self that expresses individuality is plenty of responsibility. By expressing the true ethereal self, the stress of social interactions will dissipate, helping to heal old wounds and avoid the typical causes of relapse.

We have assembled a resources area on our web site specifically for Insider's Guide readers. Instant access is available by visiting www.RecoverYES.com/InsidersAT.

# 6th Key

Relapse Insurance

The sixth key to recovery focuses on insuring against relapse. It is our hope that this Insider's Guide will help people make their way to recovery. While the costs of recovery are significant, the costs of continuing addictive behaviors are much greater. This key will serve as encouragement. Recovery is well worth the cost, financially and with other valuable resources.

Cost of Addiction

We will discuss how addiction costs people financially and experientially by destroying the important relationships and opportunities in life.

Budget for Recovery

We will discuss how a budget for recovery does require some expense in the form of time and money, but that whatever recovery costs, addiction will always cost more.

Time Allocation

We will discuss how important it is to keep track of time and to make sure to properly allocate that time towards recovery and productivity.

Priceless Line Items

We will discuss how certain costs of addiction or benefits of recovery are really priceless. The essential relationships in life are too important to attempt to assign a value to them.

Meet Resistance

We will discuss how important it is to understand that resistance and difficulty are part of the recovery process.

Manufacturing Happiness

We will discuss how life in recovery can feel disenchanting. It is important to learn to manufacture happiness so that life feels full and fulfilling.

## The Cost of Addiction

When contemplating recovery, people tend to think that they can't afford the needed services that will support them through the process. It can feel like recovery is just too costly.

Most addicts, after all, have already begun suffering financially as a result of their addictive behavior. That suffering, however, should make it pretty clear that they can't afford not to move into recovery.

Addiction is extremely costly - financially, personally and experientially. To accept this idea, addicts need to really understand how much addictions have cost them. They should ask themselves, "How many times have I complained about not having enough money and then realized I've spent hundreds of dollars in the last month on the substance or behavior I'm addicted to?"

This is usually an eye-opening experience.

The costs linked with addiction, however, extend well beyond finances. Addiction causes broken relationships and damaged careers. It also prevents people from enjoying countless experiences in their lives.

What opportunities have been squandered as the result of addiction? Consider the better jobs that have been missed because of not focusing on productive uses of time.

What experiences would an addict have engaged in had the focus and attention been clear of the addictive substance? What benefits would have been reaped? What if the energy was poured into hobbies, work, family time and health instead of addiction? How might life have improved?

The Universal Law of Attraction dictates that we get more of what we focus on. In fact, making a study of the application of natural or universal laws is a great use of that extra time that is created by the vacuum of recovery.

Addiction is much more costly than recovery. By thinking of and pointing out the costs of addiction, it becomes evident that it is a good business decision to recover, regardless of the cost.

Insider's Keys to Recovery

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     Addiction is extremely costly - financially, personally and experientially.

     Consider the better jobs that have been missed because of not focusing on productive uses of time.

     By thinking of and pointing out the costs of addiction, it becomes evident that it is a good business decision to recover, regardless of the cost.

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## Budget for Recovery

Now that we have established the cost of addiction, we can look at the costs associated with recovery. Comparing the cost of addiction to the cost of recovery will quickly demonstrate that recovery is quite affordable. Addicts just need to be honest with themselves, which is not always easy.

The cost of recovery is even more controllable than the cost of addiction. And, the "do it yourself" approach will dramatically reduce the cost. However, at some point, the addict will likely realize that outside help is required. It may require the help of a professional who specializes in addiction recovery to address the core issues fueling the addictive behavior. If the addict has done some work and made some progress on the recovery journey, it will be easier to get to work quickly on the core wounding and related issues. This can help to control the costs by reducing the length of time in therapy.

So, yes, there is a cost that may be substantial. This may have a negative impact on finances in the short term, but it will not produce any other long-term negative results.

Make a comprehensive assessment when evaluating recovery costs. These can include therapy, coaching, supplements, improved diet and other expenses, like the cost of gas to get to meetings.

Even for the "do-it-yourselfer," there is a financial cost to recovery. The cost of books including this Insider's Guide may feel like a huge initial expense. But in the end, this budget will be far outweighed by the benefits of recovery. Remember, these costs (for the most part) are expenses that will be required for a relatively short period of time. Maintaining an addiction, whether it's a substance or a process addiction, will impact the addict financially for the rest of the addictive life.

Insider's Keys to Recovery

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     The cost of recovery is even more controllable than the cost of addiction.

     Make a comprehensive assessment when evaluating recovery costs.

     Maintaining an addiction, whether it's a substance or a process addiction, will impact the addict financially for the rest of the addictive life.

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## Time Allocation

Time is one of only a few resources that humans have at their disposal that are truly limited. We find ways to acquire or create more of most everything else. However, as living organisms, we have to accept that we have 24 hours and 365 days to work with every year. (In leap year, we get a bonus day!) Even the richest people on the planet have the same amount of time as everyone else.

How can we better manage this extremely limited resource? By learning to allocate time in meaningful ways.

In accounting and law, clients are billed based on how much time is required to complete a job. Keeping track of every five minutes spent in the day becomes monotonous and oppressive after a while, but this provides a clear picture of what has been accomplished. It can be very valuable to track time in fairly small increments to see when we were most productive and, more importantly, when we were wasteful.

One of the roadblocks to recovery is time. We often hear, "I don't have time to attend meetings," or, "I don't have time to read the books you suggest." It has most likely been a bit overwhelming just to ponder the concepts that have been presented in this book.

We can't stress enough the importance of keeping a diary or journal as part of recovery. A great use of this tool is keeping track of how the days were spent.

Five- to fifteen-minute entries are not necessary. However, it can be very helpful to make multiple entries throughout the day, recording daily activities. It's difficult to deny consistently wasting time or when discretionary time has not been well managed. This makes it clear that changes must be made to make better use of that time. For example, rather than watching television, practicing meditation is a healthier use of time.

Some people may need to build in time to have fun! Structured fun seems like an oxymoron, but it may be the only way to make it happen. Finding healthy ways to have fun certainly supports recovery.

So, we are not saying that it is necessary to be productive in every moment. But, by becoming better stewards of one of the most limited resources we have, recovering addicts are taking control of their life and days. They learn to quit spinning their wheels with time spent engaging in addictive behavior. They will feel much better about their choices when they've maximized the benefit received from allocating this most precious resource. It is an empowering feeling that is a wonderful byproduct of recovery.

Insider's Keys to Recovery

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     It can be very valuable to track time in fairly small increments to see when we were most productive and, more importantly, when we were wasteful.

     Structured fun seems like an oxymoron, but it may be the only way to make it happen. Finding healthy ways to have fun certainly supports recovery.

     By becoming better stewards of one of the most limited resources we have, recovering addicts are taking control of their life and days.

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## Priceless Line Items

The MasterCard commercials on television were a creative reminder that some things are "priceless." Putting a price tag on some of the joys of life is simply not possible.

If an addict is still thinking about recovery, the possibility of losing these priceless things in life may not have sunk in yet. It can be helpful to go back to previous lessons and dig a little deeper.

For example, in a previous lesson the addict created a virtual bottom. Losing the things most important or dear... losing what is priceless in life... would be devastating. Recovery looks very appealing in this light.

In a scene from the movie "Erin Brockovich," Erin (played by Julia Roberts) and the attorney she works with are told they are asking for too much money. This money is for damages related to health issues caused by contaminated water. At this point, Erin asks the opposing counsel to come up with a value for several body parts. As the scene unfolds, it becomes clear that some things are simply priceless.

Relationships with family and friends are likely something we couldn't put a price on. Peace and integrity, likewise, are not things that have monetary value.

When estimating the cost of recovery and comparing it to the cost of addiction, ask "What is the cost of losing a relationship with a loved one?" or "How much is it worth to actually experience recovery including all of the positive aspects that accompany it?" It is nearly impossible to attach a dollar figure to the responses.

Understand that these priceless things may be lost without recovery. This may make it even more compelling to avoid the mounting costs of continuing down the path of addiction. It is impossible to place a value on the priceless treasures in life, whether they are lost from addiction or gained from recovery.

If we asked any recovered addict what they wish they had done differently, their answer would without question be, "Get serious about recovery sooner!" Every day spent in addiction causes more harm... and not just for the addict.

So, it's never too late to start. We have a friend whose father found recovery at the age of 92! He died at 94 and said that those two years sober and in recovery were the best years of his life.

Insider's Keys to Recovery

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     If an addict is still thinking about recovery, the possibility of losing the priceless things in life may not have sunk in yet.

     It is impossible to place a value on the priceless treasures in life, whether they are lost from addiction or gained from recovery.

     Every day spent in addiction causes more harm... and not just for the addict.

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## Meet Resistance

One important thing to understand is that, no matter what advice an addict is given, recovery is not going to be easy... unless there is very little resistance.

Even if addicts have the tools and understanding to move from contemplation to planning and, ultimately, to action, it will not necessarily produce results. Knowledge will not do much without the willingness to change. The recovery process cannot be tied up with a neat little bow. Attempting to do so would only minimize the real challenges of recovery.

Life does not have a reset button that will allow for instantly starting over. Addicts cannot keep what they are happy with and discard the rest. Addiction recovery can feel more like the hard drive on a computer crashing without a backup. No one can go back to before the chaos of addiction began and have a do-over. Recovery is going to set the addict back to the beginning in many ways.

The good news is that many parts of recovery happen in "dog years." One year of work on recovery results in multiple-year leaps in growth, development and emotional maturation. Expect great progress but also expect setbacks. In a drawing depicting the recovery journey, a person is riding a giant snail cracking a whip in an attempt to get it to move faster. The caption is simply, "Recovery!"

Choosing recovery sooner rather than later puts the addict in the driver's seat. And, for addicts striving to maintain control this can be appealing. If the addict chooses recovery, it will provide the ability to direct how life starts over. It also helps to limit the collateral damage.

However, if the addict chooses to continue the path of addiction, it leaves little room for influencing how they will experience recovery. This may cause the addict to lose everything. Eventually, they will be forced to start over... possibly paying with their life.

Recognizing addiction and the need for recovery is empowering. It shows a readiness to move from contemplation to planning and on to taking action!

Insider's Keys to Recovery

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     Life does not have a reset button that will allow for instantly starting over. Addicts cannot keep what they are happy with and discard the rest.

     The good news is that many parts of recovery happen in "dog years."

     Recognizing addiction and the need for recovery is empowering.

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## Manufacturing Happiness

You may recall Charlie's story about Mike. In recovery, life seemed pretty dull and boring. His story is not unique.

As addicts begin to RecoverYES, they may begin to feel like there is something missing. That "something" could be what makes life worth living.

When addictive behavior is abandoned, it creates what we call a vacuum. It's an empty space in life that must be filled. Initially, the focus on recovery doesn't leave room for much of anything else.

But, once the new habits begin to form (typically in three to six months), addicts find that they have time and energy for life that simply didn't exist before. For many, the vacuum or void does not fill itself... certainly not with activities that create a zest for living.

The addict response to feeling disenchanted is the addictive behavior of choice. With that option off the table, the human response is often more doing... when what is really required is more being.

Addicts must learn to simply be. Where doing is relative, unstable and impermanent, being is just the opposite. It's what's there when we're not doing.

One of the complaints we hear often is that recovery is not producing the expected results. Where's the happiness?

Happiness is a state of being. The good news is that anyone can create the state of being of his or her choice.

Much research has been done where happiness is concerned. Here are just a few of the discoveries.

   Gratitude increases happiness. List three unique things every day that are cause for gratitude. Yes, they must be written down. Turbo charge this practice by including WHY they produce appreciation.

   Meditation increases happiness. There are many forms of meditation. Many addicts are new to this practice. If so, we suggest starting with 10 minutes twice a day. Just sit quietly with eyes closed and observe the breath.

   Kindness increases happiness. Don't sit around and wait for someone to show kindness. The benefits are much greater for the person that initiates it. Try sending an unexpected thank you note.

As addicts put more focus on being rather than doing, they create space for inspiration and guidance. Now, the mission is to be receptive and open. We never know how it will show up. In the meantime, there will most certainly BE more happiness, and that's what it's all about.

Insider's Keys to Recovery

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     When addictive behavior is abandoned, it creates what we call a vacuum. It's an empty space in life that must be filled.

     Addicts must learn to simply be.

     As addicts put more focus on being rather than doing, they create space for inspiration and guidance. The mission is to be receptive and open.

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## 6th Key Summary

In summary, the 6th Key - Relapse Insurance provides ways that we can assess what addiction really costs. By realizing the true cost of addiction, the need and extreme value of recovery are evident. Understanding how harmful addiction is - financially, experientially and emotionally - can be one the biggest motivators to help addicts continue working on their recovery.

Anytime an addict feels the need to act out, they should ask, "Is it worth it? Is it worth losing everything that I value?" Relapse can only result in hitting the reset button.

We have assembled a resources area on our web site specifically for Insider's Guide readers. Instant access is available by visiting www.RecoverYES.com/InsidersAT.

# Conclusion

Thanks to the media circus that keeps celebrities on center stage, we've seen how long-term sobriety can be lost to relapse... even resulting in death.

How does this happen?

Once long-term sobriety (or the maintenance phase of recovery) has been experienced, it's common for recovered addicts to "let their guard down." And, in this somewhat vulnerable state, life throws them the inevitable curve ball.

They don't react quickly enough to re-establish their reliable recovery tools and one thing leads to another. The addict knows just where to go to get the "fix" that will provide quick relief.

This is a blueprint for disaster.

We have a better alternative. The recovery plan or blueprint should consist primarily of practices that are valuable... or invaluable... regardless of the stage of recovery. The addict doesn't need to re-establish their recovery tools because they never stopped relying on them.

So, in this conclusion to the Insider's Guide, we're providing 13 suggestions that have been proven to make the recovery journey easier and more sustainable. These suggestions have been proven in the recovery trenches. They should be incorporated into the individual recovery plan or blueprint.

Research has shown that addicts who have developed and implemented a plan that includes some or all of these suggestions have been able to sustain long-term recovery. More importantly, they are living more fulfilling lives. These are suggestions that will benefit anyone.

1.  Get a complete physical. Check for any physiological symptoms, including thyroid, liver, pancreas, kidney issues, blood glucose (most alcoholics are hypoglycemic) and adrenals. Physical issues must be addressed before beginning trauma reduction to provide emotional stability, to deal with physiological withdrawal symptoms and to address other psychological symptoms that have a physical basis.

2.  Address diet as a key component to recovery. Elimination of processed sugars, carbohydrates, caffeine and processed foods greatly enhances the healing of the brain. Replacing conventionally grown foods with organic foods that eliminate pesticides from the diet supports healing as well.

3.  Use amino acid supplementation. This relieves withdrawal symptoms and heals the body. There are a number of amino acids that the brain and body rely on for normal functioning. The specific amino acids or blend that will be most beneficial for the individual will depend on the addiction and symptoms.

4.  Take vitamin and mineral supplements. This is a key component to healing and relief of symptoms. These include B complex vitamins (especially B3, B6 and B12), vitamin C (Ester C), calcium, magnesium, a multivitamin, a mineral formula, vitamin D3 and others. Blood should be monitored every few months for proper dosage.

5.  Heal traumas, whether they are Big T's or Little t's. For a sustainable recovery, the traumas must be cleared. Hypnotherapy, EMDR, Rapid Resolution Therapy® (RRT) and Brain Spotting are among the techniques that work for many people.

6.  Practice stress reduction. This includes meditation, exercise, getting adequate sleep and managing life's issues. Relaxation techniques are critical to re-establishing normal sensations of pleasure from regular dopamine releases. This helps to prevent relapse, as stress can trigger a craving for a compulsive dopamine release that the addict believes can only be achieved through acting out.

7.  Seek support. Whether this is a support group meeting, family, friends, group therapy, church or the RecoverYES community, establishing a supportive environment throughout recovery has been found to dramatically increase the odds of sustaining recovery.

8.  Understand family systems issues. If the family system enables the addict (and most of them do), then this behavior must be recognized and changed. If not, even after expensive in-patient treatment, when the addict returns to their family, they will relapse. Some decide that they must have a respite from their families for a period of time in order to gain enough personal power to deal with them without risk of relapse.

9.  Learn about addiction. Education is another key component to recovery. Understanding the nature of addiction, cross addiction and the recovery process and learning intimacy skills are imperative to recovery. We've designed the programs and services at RecoverYES to provide much of what you'll need.

10.  Improve relationship skills. Intimacy skills must be learned or relearned, as most addicts suffer from immature relationship skills. Without doing this work, the individual may return to isolation, which will ultimately lead to relapse.

11.  Deal with financial difficulties. Financial issues are a key component of the stress that most addicts experience. Financial difficulties suffered as a consequence of addictive behaviors must be successfully addressed. Otherwise, financial pressure could undermine recovery.

12.  Develop a spiritual center. Finding a supportive spiritual community was an essential element for most addicts who have been in recovery for over five years. It's also important to commit to ongoing self-study. A strong spiritual center allows for flexibility and builds adaptive skills to deal with life's issues as well as the consequences of past behaviors.

13.  Practice aware appreciation. If life feels meaningless, it will be increasingly difficult to stay the recovery course. Finding things to appreciate and be grateful for in a disciplined way will serve as a reminder that there is pleasure in life... even when it seems elusive. This also helps to increase awareness. The disciplined practice will help to keep the eyes open and looking for things to appreciate.

So, there is more than enough information here to jumpstart the recovery journey. The next step is to move from contemplation to planning. The recovery plan or blueprint is the key to recovery success.

Those who fail to plan, plan to fail. That's why we place such an emphasis on what we call the Recovery Blueprint. In fact, we've created a resource to make creating the Recovery Blueprint a straightforward process.

We have assembled a resources area on our web site specifically for Insider's Guide readers. Instant access is available by visiting www.RecoverYES.com/InsidersAT.

# Acknowledgements

This book would not be complete without expressing our deep appreciation for all the teachers on our journey. The recovery community is ripe with people who are committed to helping others find and sustain recovery.

To the therapists we've worked with that have supported us on our own journey, helping us to see our blind spots, we are eternally grateful. The journey is made much easier with a skilled facilitator.

And, to the readers who made the choice to invest in this book with their resources of time and/or money, we applaud your dedication and commitment to understanding what is a very complex problem. Recovery is not for "sissies."

We hope you'll visit us and join our community dedicated to supporting recovery, making it quick, easy and even fun. There is a special page just for Insider's Guide readers at www.RecoverYES.com/InsidersAT.

# About the Authors

Dr. Gala Gorman holds advanced degrees in human development. She is a holistic life coach, facilitator, mentor and published author of the Spiritual ApproachTM series of books focused on practical spirituality.

Charlie Frangos holds a Master's Degree in Mental Health Counseling. He is a Certified Practitioner in Rapid Resolution Therapy®. His background includes over 20 years of experience in coaching, sales and management.

 Together, they take a significantly different, holistic approach in working with people in recovery. They believe that addiction is just a symptom of an underlying cause... a temporary and reversible malfunction of the brain. Heal the underlying causes - and the symptom goes away.

The have developed the programs and services at www.RecoverYES.com to support the specific needs of people in recovery. They are committed to making the recovery journey quick, easy...and even fun!

Dr. Gala and Charlie have put together an area of the web site specifically designed for Insider's Guide readers. Visit www.RecoverYES.com/InsidersAT for instant access.

# One Last Thing...

When you turn the page, Kindle will give you the opportunity to rate the book on Amazon and share your thoughts through an automated feed to your Facebook and Twitter accounts. If you believe that others can get something valuable out of this book, we'd be honored if you'd take a few moments to post your thoughts.
