WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
WELL, AFTER YEARS OF SAYING HE
WAS GOING TO DO IT, HE DID IT.
AND TODAY HE TOLD US HE WAS
DOING IT.
>> I AM ANNOUNCING TODAY THAT
THE UNITED STATES WILL WITHDRAW
FROM THE IRAN NUCLEAR DEAL.
THE UNITED STATES NO LONGER
MAKES EMPTY THREATS.
WHEN I MAKE PROMISES, I KEEP
THEM.
>> Stephen: "WELL, MY LAWYER
KEEPS THEM ON MY BEHALF, BUT I
PAY HIM BACK EVENTUALLY."
( LAUGHTER )
AND WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT!
YOU LITERALLY JUST BACKED OUT OF
AN AMERICAN PROMISE!
THAT'S LIKE SAYING, "I'M NO
LONGER DENYING MY ALCOHOLISM.
LET'S DRINK TO THAT!"
( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
NOW-- MAGIC!
MAGIC.
NOBODY WANTS IRAN TO HAVE
NUCLEAR WEAPONS.
THAT'S WHAT THE TREATY WAS
SUPPOSED TO STOP.
BUT TRUMP DOESN'T THINK THE DEAL
WENT FAR ENOUGH.
>> IN FACT, THE DEAL ALLOWED
IRAN TO CONTINUE ENRICHING
URANIUM AND OVER TIME, REACH THE
BRINK OF A NUCLEAR BREAKOUT.
>> Stephen: SO WITH THESE
RESTRICTIONS, IRAN COULD
POSSIBLY EVENTUALLY DEVELOP A
NUKE.
AND THE SOLUTION IS TO LIFT
THE RESTRICTIONS SO THEY CAN
START IMMEDIATELY?
THAT'S WHAT A BAD STEPPARENT
DOES.
"LOOK, BUDDY, I KNOW YOUR OLD
DAD LOOKED THE OTHER WAY WHEN
YOU WENT OUT AND PARTIED WITH
YOUR FRIENDS.
WELL, I'M ZERO TOLERANCE.
YOU ARE GROUNDED, MISTER.
FROM NOW ON, YOU AND YOUR
FRIENDS ARE LOCKED IN THE
BASEMENT WITH THE LIQUOR AND
THE WEED.
OH, LAUGH IT UP."
( APPLAUSE )
NOW TRUMP-- I'M COMING DOWN
THERE!
TRUMP ALSO OBJECTED TO THE IDEA
THAT THE RESTRAINTS ON IRAN'S
CENTRIFUGES DISAPPEAR AFTER TEN
YEARS, KNOWN AS THE "SUNSET
CLAUSE."
"SUNSET CLAUSE," BY THE WAY, IS
MY FAVORITE JIMMY BUFFET
CHRISTMAS ALBUM.
SO, LET ME SEE IF I GET THIS
STRAIGHT.
BECAUSE THE DEAL HAS AN
EXPIRATION DATE, HE WANTS TO
KILL IT NOW.
IT'S LIKE SAYING, "WELL, BILLY,
THIS HAMSTER IS EVENTUALLY GOING
TO DIE IN A COUPLE YEARS, SO WE
MIGHT AS WELL FLUSH MR. FLUFFERS
DOWN THE TOILET NOW.
NO, IT'S REALLY BEST-- IT'S
REALLY."
>> Jon: OOOH.
>> Stephen: YOU KNOW THERE'S
NO REAL HAMPSTER, RIGHT?
THIS IS ALL-- THIS IS ALL--
THERE IS NO TOILET HERE.
MEANWHILE-- MEANWHILE
THERE'S MORE TROUBLE FOR DONALD
TRUMP'S LAWYER AND MAN
INDICATING THE NUMBER OF WEEKS
HE'LL BE DONALD TRUMP'S
LAWYER RUDOLPH GUILIANI.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
AT FIRST, DONALD TRUMP WAS
PUMPED ABOUT HAVING GIULIANI ON
HIS LEGAL TEAM.
IN FACT, HE CELEBRATED
GIULIANI'S HIRING LAST WEEK BY
TELLING A FRIEND THAT HE HAD
ENLISTED "AMERICA'S (BLEEP)
MAYOR," WHICH IS FITTING.
BECAUSE TRUMP'S BEING SUED BY
STORMY DANIELS BECAUSE HE'S
AMERICA'S (BLEEP) PRESIDENT.
WE CAN SAY THAT, RIGHT?
WE CAN SAY THAT, RIGHT?
>> Jon: OOO--
>> H!
>> Stephen: HOW DO YOU LIKE
THAT?
THANK YOU, JON, IT'S BEEN A LONG
TIME.
>> Jon: I LIKE THAT!
>> Stephen: IT'S BEEN A LONG
TIME, THANK YOU.
BUT AFTER SOME DISASTROUS RECENT
TV APPEARANCES, TRUMP HAS BEGUN
QUESTIONING WHETHER GIULIANI
SHOULD BE SIDELINED FROM
TELEVISION INTERVIEWS.
GREAT IDEA.
SOMEBODY SHOULD GET THAT GUY OFF
OF IT...
A WEEK AGO.
GIULIANI'S APPEARANCES ARE
CAUSING MAJOR HEADACHES AT THE
WHITE HOUSE, WITH SENIOR
ADMINISTRATION OFFICIALS
COMPLAINING THEY ARE STILL IN
THE DARK ABOUT WHEN AND WHERE
GIULIANI WILL POP UP ON THEIR
TELEVISION SCREENS.
( LAUGHTER )
IT'S TRUE.
HE'S EVERYWHERE!
THIS MORNING, HE WAS ALL OVER
DOC McSTUFFINS.
DOC MCSTUFFINS, BY THE WAY, ALSO
ONE OF STORMY DANIELS' FILMS.
AND IT'S NOT JUST--
>> Jon: WOW.
>> Stephen: THAT'S FINE.
THAT'S FINE.
THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
IT'S WHY WE'RE ON LATE AT NIGHT.
( LAUGHTER )
AND IT'S NOT JUST GIULIANI.
HE'S ALSO UPSET WITH THE GUY WHO
INTERVIEWED HIM.
TRUMP REPORTEDLY CHIDED SEAN
HANNITY FOR USING THE WORD
"FUNNELED," WHICH HE BELIEVES
HAD ILLEGAL CONNOTATIONS.
"SEAN, SEAN, FUNNELING MAKES IT
SOUNDS LIKE DIRTY MONEY.
I WANT IT TO SOUND LIKE CLEAN
MONEY.
I KNOW, SAY WE LAUNDERED IT.
SCRUB, SCRUB."
AND THE THING IS, TRUMP SAW THIS
COMING.
APPARENTLY, HE PASSED GIULIANI
OVER FOR ATTORNEY GENERAL
BECAUSE HE THOUGHT HE WASN'T AS
SHARP AS HE USED TO BE.
SO GIULIANI CAN'T BE THE TOP LAW
ENFORCEMENT OFFICER, BUT HE CAN
BE LAWYER FOR THE PRESIDENT?
THAT'S LIKE TAKING AWAY
GRANDPA'S CAR KEYS AND BUYING
HIM A HARLEY.
( LAUGHTER )
"OKAY, GRANDPA, LIVE TO RIDE.
RIDE TO LIVE.
GO ON.
NO, NO HELMET, GO ON."
MEANWHILE, TRUMP'S ACTUAL
LAWYERS HAVE BEEN GETTING HIM
READY FOR A POSSIBLE MUELLER
INTERVIEW, AND IT HAS NOT BEEN
EASY.
IN A FOUR-HOUR PRACTICE SESSION,
THANKS TO "FREQUENT
INTERRUPTIONS, ALONG WITH MR.
TRUMP'S LOQUACIOUSNESS," THE
LAWYERS "WERE ONLY ABLE TO WALK
HIM THROUGH TWO QUESTIONS."
TWO QUESTIONS, FOUR HOURS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).
>> Jon: TWO QUESTIONS IN FOUR
HOURS?
>> Stephen: YEAH.
>> Stephen: TWO, FOUR.
AT THAT PACE, TRUMP WOULDN'T
HAVE TO OUTSMART MUELLER.
HE'D JUST HAVE TO OUTLIVE HIM.
