-Well, well, well.
Look what the cat dragged in
from Stamford.
-Hey, Dwight.
-Fact...
I am older. I am wiser.
Do not mess with me.
-Okay. Sounds good.
-What are you doing?
-I don't know
what you're talking about.
-Do I have a spider
on my forehead?
-No. Look good.
-Why are you looking
at my forehead?
-I'm not.
-Meet my eye line, Jim!
-I am.
-Stop acting like an idiot
-Okay.
-What is this?
-Tape recorder.
-For what?
-For recording.
Michael is on vacation, and he's
asked me to record all meetings
and to type up the transcripts
-Okay. Uh, Karen, any news
from that law firm?
-Yeah, the deal closed
yesterday.
It's a 6-month commitment.
-Oh, my God!
Dwight, what are you doing
-What?
-You're not allowed
to take off your pants
in the middle of the office.
-I'm not.
-Dwight, you know what?
Just back off, okay?
That's making me uncomfortable
This is sexual harassment,
by the way.
Oh, my God.
He's got a knife!
-I do not have a knife.
-No, let the record show
that Dwight K. Schrute
is now completely nude
and is holding a plastic knife
to Stanley's neck.
-Let the record show
that Jim Halpert is a liar
-Smile.
-No.
[ Camera shutter clicks ]
-This came out really well
There you go.
-This is humongous.
I am not a security threat
And my middle name is Kurt
not "Fart."
-Well, well, well.
Hmm.
Boss for, what was it,
oh, 4 1/2 hours?
New record...low.
Previous record?
Henry Roston.
Boss for nine years,
four months.
And he only left because he ha
family matters to attend to,
and he -- what?
Michael?
[ Stopwatch beeps ]
[ Yawns ]
Mm.
[ Stopwatch beeps ]
-Yawn -- four seconds.
-What are you doing?
-Oh, you had said
that you don't do anything
personal during work time.
So, I'm just making sure.
-Oh, wait a minute.
So, you're gonna time me
every time I yawn?
That's absurd.
Really?
Oh, hey, look.
Monkey knows how to use
a stopwatch, everybody.
He's ta--
[ Stopwatch beeps ]
-Personal conversation --
17 seconds.
-There is no way
that that was --
[ Stopwatch beeps ]
-One second.
-Seriously?
You're gonna sit in the back
-Uh, yeah. It's the safest
part of a car.
If you're gonna have a crash
driver always protects his side
first.
[ Brakes squeal ]
-Hey, Andy.
-Yo.
-By any chance, did you see
"Battlestar Galactica"
last night?
-No, I did not.
Is that any good?
-Actually, not.
It was really so-so.
-Okay.
-I mean, I like all the crazy
monsters and stuff,
like Klingons and Wookies
and all of that,
but...
Sorry, was there something
you wanted to add, Dwight?
-Is that anything like the
original "Battlestar Galactica"?
-You know what's weird?
It's practically
a shot-for-shot remake.
-Really?
Huh. That's cool.
-The story's kind of bland
It's about this guy
named Dumbledore Calrissian...
-Okay.
-...who needs to return the ring
back to Mordor.
Really.
-That doesn't sound right.
-Last week, Dwight sent out
a memo about the dress code
So, this is me showing him
that I'm taking it very
seriously.
-Okay, how about this?
An ice sculpture shaped like you
covered in chocolate-covered
strawberries?
-Aw, Dwight,
you're trying too hard,
and that's just not classy
See, the thing about classy is
it's a state of mind.
-Well, I'm sorry.
I just don't know what class
is, then.
-Okay, let's just try
this one on for size.
And I apologize, 'cause it's
right off the top of my head
An ice sculpture of you
completely surrounded
by a variety
of chocolate-covered fruits.
-Strawberries?
-That's inspired.
-I said that!
-Forget everything you
thought you knew
about ab workouts.
-Done.
-This ab workout
is specifically designed
to strengthen your core.
-Okay, you know what?
Uh, how much is that?
-It's only 25 bucks.
-Wow. Um...okay.
[ Air hisses ]
-Hello, this is Dwight Schrute
from the Dunder Mifflin
Paper Company.
-Well, that's great
'cause I need paper.
-Excellent. Then you are in luck
because we are having
a limited-time offer
only on everything.
-Wow, this is my lucky day
-Ask him his name.
-What is your name, sir?
-I am Bill Butlicker.
-Really,
that's your real name?
-How dare you!
My family built this country
by the way.
-Be respectful, Dwight, please
-Yes, Michael.
-Could you hold on one second?
That's my other line.
-What? No, but I --
-Hello?
Yeah.
[ Chuckles ]
No, I'm just on the phone
with this stupid salesman.
He's so dumb.
Sorry.
That was a family emergency.
-Oh, no. What's wrong?
-You know what?
That's private.
-Boundaries, Dwight!
Come on!
-I'm sorry, Mr. Butlicker.
As I was saying...
-You're just gonna have to
speak up a little bit louder
I'm hard of hearing.
-He's hard of --
he's an old man.
-Okay. As I was saying,
right now --
-Gonna have to talk louder
-Okay, our prices
have never been lower.
-Son, you have to talk louder
-[ Louder ] Never been lower
-Louder, son!
[ Shouting ] Buttlicker, our
prices have never been lower
-Stop it, stop it!
-He...
-That is totally inappropriate
-After you, sir.
-No, thank you.
I never let anyone
walk behind me.
Seven out of ten attacks
are from the rear.
-Okay, well, that still leaves
a 30% chance
that I'll attack you
from the front.
-Uh, yeah, but it'll be easier
to stop.
I can always block the blow
or I can counter it with -
-I'd like to lodge a complaint
-I'm sorry to hear about that.
Who is this about?
-You!
-Okay.
Just want to let you know I take
complaints very seriously.
So, when did this happen?
-One minute ago.
-Okay.
And how do you feel?
-Angry.
-Alright. Did he hit you?
-No.
-Did you cry?
-No!
-Did you feel like crying?
-No!
-I'm just gonna write,
"Held back tears."
-Wait. Stop writing that.
That is not true.
-If you stop crying,
I'll stop writing it.
-I'm not --
[ Groans ]
-Someone attack me.
Kevin, go!
-No way.
Last time,
you pulled my pants down,
and then you tried to choke me
with my shoelace.
-False. I did choke you
with your shoelace.
Now come at me!
-Okay, with all due respect
to everyone here,
I think the most worthy opponent
of you is you.
-That is correct unless there
happens to be measles present
-So, let's just say that Dwight
has come at you
with the throat punch.
Now, how would you, Dwight
defend against it?
-Easy.
Allow me to demonstrate.
I am attacking myself
with a throat punch.
Here it comes.
Block. Grasp wrist, as such.
-And what if he comes at you
with the other hand,
because he does have two.
-Good point.
Second throat punch...
absorb the blow.
Groin punch.
Hip block!
Elbow to the gut!
Uh-oh!
Up to the nose.
No, you're not.
Aah!
Oh!
-Oh, my God.
He's making you look like
such a fool.
-He really is, but not for long.
Hup!
Ow! God! Instep!
Oh, not again!
Ha! Ha! Ha!
You let go! You let go!
Oh, you're right.
I can't hold on!
Ah! Ah!
-You two are so evenly matched
I don't know how one of you
is gonna get the upper hand
-The important thing
to remember, Jim --
we always have what is called
the element of surprise.
Aah!
-I'm just saying that you can'
be sure that it wasn't you
-That's ridiculous.
Of course it wasn't me.
-Marijuana is
a memory-loss drug.
So, maybe you just don't
remember.
-I would remember.
-Well, how could you, if it just
erased your memory?
-That's not how it works.
-Now, how do you know
how it works?
-Knock it off, okay?
I'm interviewing you.
-No, you said that I'd be
conducting the interview
when I walked in here.
Now, exactly how much pot
did you smoke?
-Listen, guys, I think we all
want to know the same thing,
right -- who's the strongest
Well, there's only one way
to solve that.
Thigh-curl contest.
Alright, here we go, everybody
May the manliest man win.
[ Applause ]
Go!
-[ Grunts ]
-1...2...
-Here, this is for your elbows
for your elbows.
-Thank you.
-You're welcome.
-...5...6...
-Quick phone call
for you guys -- keep going
...8...9...
-Hello?
-10...
-You got it?
[ Laughter ]
[ Telephone ringing ]
-Very funny, Jim.
-Yeah, Jim -- way to mock us
for perfecting our bodies.
-Got a little client meeting
at Shanny O'Gannigan's tonight
It shouldn't go all night long
So, if you'd like me to,
I could swing by your house
so the baby can experience
a strong male presence.
No? Nothing? Okay.
Have fun working.
[ Whistles ]
Hi, there, Jo.
Sorry to interrupt.
Um, this evening --
[ Telephone rings ]
I have...
-Hello?
-Hey, Jo, it's Jim Halpert
I actually scheduled a meeting
at 7:30
with a very important client
and it's so weird,
'cause we never have meeting
after 5:00 p.m.
But I was hoping that maybe,
just this once,
it would be okay.
-Well, sure.
You know, you go ahead
and push some printers.
-You know I will.
And, by the way, seriously
we never, never do this.
-Okay.
-Okay.
-Alright.
Sorry, sugar.
What did you want?
-Well, you see, I actually
do have a meeting with a client.
I'm gonna just reschedule
for next week.
-Thank you.
-Thanks, again, by the way
-They've been calling
all of their clients
and begging them
to pay more money.
It can only mean one thing
They're desperate,
which can only mean one thing.
They are total failures.
-Great work, Dwight.
-Quiet, you.
-No, I mean
great detective work,
'cause this must be the first
case you've ever cracked, right?
-You don't crack a case.
That has a pejorative
connotation.
It's like calling a policeman
a cop.
You solve a case,
and yes, I've solved plenty.
-So, how long can they stay
viable?
-What are your top five cases?
-I'm gonna answer Charles first.
-Please.
-Because you've solved
zero cases.
-Okay, one case
of the beet bandit --
missing beets
from all over the farm.
No footprints --
inside job.
Mose in socks --
boom, case closed.
-Okay, do not go anywhere
near the conference room..
-Done.
-...because you have embarrassed
me for the last time today
Got it?
-I'm not following you.
-You two are morons.
-Got it.
-We're --
-Get out.
-Count Choculitis.
-[ Whistles ]
Sounds tough.
-Why did you write that down
Jim?
Is it because you know
I love Count Chocula?
-Do you?
-I think you need to confess..
-Mm-hmm.
-...the fact...
-Yep.
-...that -- what are you doing
-What?
-Those are my keys.
-Good luck.
-Jim!
Damn it! No!
Jim, let me out!
Jim, let...
-The light green...
