I love immaculate conceptions.
I know you do, I've known this about you.
If I had a baby-first of all, home birth,
I'd be in my bathtub
and I'd be like, "Ahh...
Ah!"
Like just, "What happened?"
"I threw it."
Hi, I'm Trixie Mattel.
And I'm Katya.
And we are two queens who like to watch.
And today we're watching Season Two
of the hit series, The Umbrella Academy.
And, spoilers ahead.
Now, what do you think
this is about, Trixie?
I know a little bit about this program.
Admittedly, I know that
it's created by the singer
from My Chemical Romance,
a band that the kids like.
We don't know why people
have powers, they just do.
I love superheroes, I love superpowers.
Well, let's see what's up with the kids
at The Umbrella Academy.
They got real problems
because they have a recurring
apocalypse on their hands,
and I can't wait to
find out more about it.
Mama, relatable.
Yeah, me every time I
have a little too much,
a little too much, a little too much...
I don't even know what I was gonna say,
I don't even know what I was gonna say.
It doesn't matter, okay, hit it.
Let's watch the program.
Command just like...
Okay, this is footage from
Saving Private Ryan, nice try.
What the hell did we do now?
Just chillin', in the war zone.
By the way, love that Ellen Page
will play a teenager for 40 more years.
Like she was in X-Men, what, 20 years ago?
Yeah, she was 16 then, and
here she's about 17 and a half.
Still got it.
♪ So I face- ♪
“♪ The final curtain ♪”
"My way."
Oh, he's bringing the dead
back to fight, that's cool.
Is that what he does?
And then this guy's just on HGH.
I feel like this is a
door guy at The Abbey.
He would be like a gogo
boy you'd meet backstage
at Sacramento pride, and
everyone will call him
"Big Dick Phil," and I would
have the no common sense to go,
"Why do they call you Big Dick Phil?"
And he would be like... you know,
and I would be like, "Oh..."
“Oh!”
I heard a rumor, that I blew your minds.
A, powerful. B, very sassy.
This is power parkour.
Mama, 2021.
"Coming soon to Columbus,
Ohio near you,” yeah.
Men have sides, women have secrets.
You with your nut hanging out.
"Women have secrets."
Just a nut on the ground.
Good men still leave. Or die.
Don't I know it.
Carl means well.
(Bleep) Carl.
What did you wanna be?
A counter girl at Neiman Marcus.
As somebody who's from the real country,
you don't understand how glamorous
department store employment appears.
Appears!
Appears.
The reality is quite grim.
I used to work at the (bleep)
Macy's at the, Wisconsin.
Oh, they're worse.
We're talking mom's being
like, "You wanna try it?
It's Vince Camuto. Try the Vince Camuto."
Trying to sell this upscale (bleep)
"It's Dolce & Gabbana."
It's Nicki Minaj, Pink Friday."
Look at that walk.
That outfit is so fierce.
Dress for the murder you want to commit,
not the one you already did.
AJ!
Not a (beep) gold fish.
If I had a nickel.
My ex is in this episode.
You know why we broke up?
Why?
Cause there's plenty of fish in the sea...
...
Ah, go play that (beep) episode.
Hazel and Cha Cha screwed
the pooch on that one,
not me. And don't even get me started on-
She brought a monologue.
“And now I'm gonna do
Death of a Salesman."
Caleb is your new supervisor.
This is a joke, right?
I wanna be her but I know I'm Herb.
That's the reality.
"What I feel like. What I look like."
I would go into read for the part of her,
and they'd be like, "You know what,
we do have something for you."
"There's a troll in the
mail room with no lines."
Your desk is over there.
She's not having it.
No, she's like entry level
at an advertising agency.
Wanna join me for some lau lau?
Ask me again I'll staple
your face to the wall.
Backstage at a drag show.
"Girl, can I have some eyeliner?"
"I'll staple your face to the wall."
"I would cut your face."
Love the music so far.
"(beep) love it mate.
The music is (beep) legendary."
"Legendary."
"(bleep) legend."
So, Trixie..
Yeah?
A, what is your superpower?
B, are you gonna use it to
stop the end of the world?
Or would you just let the world?
I would let the world end.
Invisibility is really underrated.
Yeah but think about it,
if you're in a crowd,
you gotta really be on like...
do you know what I mean?
- Cause you'd look like an empty space.
- That’s true.
Yeah. My superpower is that,
when I go to CVS, no matter what I buy,
no matter how many coupons I have coming,
that receipt is only this long.
And I've saved everyone so much time
and so much paper, world peace, mama.
World Peace, there's
more trees on the planet
cause less receipts, people have more time
because they're not in line as long.
That's what I would do to contribute.
Okay, so here we have some
time traveling assassins
called The Swedes, and they are meeting
their future landlady, cat lady.
If you're here about the guest
room I only got space for one.
Let me tell you something,
you open the door
to three blond men?
- Bad sign.
- Close it.
Literally slam it in there face.
It's either gonna be
Mormons or serial killers.
Alright, so they got the
apartment, they're living.
Wonderful.
Why go with white
underwear? Go with a nice
dead beige, that says
"everything up my ass has died."
What the...
Oh, wow. This is flirting in Sweden.
They're gonna pan down and it's gonna be
some weird sixth toe that's
growing off to the side
that's just been cut off and
he's gonna be like, "Thank you."
"Thank you, I have no insurance."
Oh that's too bad.
"I thought I talked to you about
throwing knives in the apartment."
"It's time for our nightly
pregnancy test, come now."
Now where's the landlady?
- Oh my god.
- Oh, she's in the freezer!
That is a really small freezer.
Well it's really good after heat styling
to hit the air with a blast of cold air.
Smooths the cuticle.
Really tightens the pores.
I just wish I could remember something.
Vanya, back with the
farmer's wife, yet again.
Hmmm.
I think she's interested in more than
borrowing a cup of sugar.
Show me those hands.
By the way, that was a
lesbian hardcore sex scene.
Holding hands and looking
into each other's eyes.
Hardcore lesbian pornography.
And then a sigh.
Yeah.
You need to get out.
Okay, so this is very complicated,
Klaus is sitting in this
diner with his dead brother
who nobody can see because
Klaus can convene with the dead.
Don't come back here.
Ah! I love those shoes.
Ooh! Margaret Thatcher.
Clean white with black tips, ding dong.
Oh, he likes the designer
fantasy of this old woman.
♪ Sunny, you smile at me
and really ease the pain ♪
♪ The dark days are gone ♪
When the molly hits.
Oh, I love this, ooh I love his life.
I'm ready to (beep) leave this
humdrum Hollywood lifestyle and go ride
on the back of a caravan in Mexico.
He's becoming a yoga instructor.
I'm an orderly.
Wow, he is like a cult leader
and now he's not into it.
Yeah.
You can't just run out on them.
- Of course you can.
- Absolutely you can.
You'll come out of it stronger and better.
You did him a favor, really.
“Just talked to my sister,
she was trapped in the
world for six months.”
Yeah.
I completely relate to this
cult-leader-by-accident story.
You know, one day you're just like,
sitting on a dumpster,
smoking, surrounded by
kids and you're like,
"Wait a minute, I don't want to
be here,” and then you just leave.
I don't want the pressure of being
- anything to anyone, ever.
- No.
I just wanna drink, put on a wig,
and try not to piss on myself.
I just want to look like
a woman and act a fool.
I want that for you sis.
Ooh I like that shoe.
My album playing.
Oh, not the milkman.
Floor it. I know you have amnesia,
but you don't stop for
strangers in the road.
No, and we don't (beep) with milk men.
Milk people. With that four foot body,
you better run him down.
"Is that 2% or skim?"
"Do you need a ride?"
Oh my god, driving through the...
Oh no... Well, her
superpower was never driving.
"I have a learner's
permit, leave me alone."
Corn is creepy.
Nothing ever good happens in a cornfield.
Not even farming.
No.
Oh my god, she doesn't even
know why she's being chased.
That's the thing about
amnesia no one talks about,
you don't remember anything.
No one talks about that.
I just want to go out on a limb
and say that I would have been dead
because I don't have that power.
I wouldn't even have made
it into the cornfield.
I would have laid down and
been like, "It's time."
Love.
Oh, wow. I love checking your makeup
when you have sunglasses on.
Life is tough enough being so small
in a world filled with predators.
Literally, my Grindr bio.
"Life's hard being so small
in a sea of predators."
They’re like, “Swipe left, (bleep).”
What's that on your head?
God, kids are (beep) disgusting.
From getting shot in the head.
Meet and greet.
"Your a (beep) and your
whole family's a (beep)."
Teleportation, telekinesis or telepathy.
Oh, God.
Telekinesis, for me.
Yeah, telekinesis is litty.
Call me Carrie.
There's not a lot of showmanship to that.
There's a lot of eyes though.
Oh yeah the, Carrie White,
Carrie White, definitely.
What would your like,
power be if you chose one?
Oh my god, it would be so difficult.
Like, "Ooh, I see the future,”
like, that's sort of cool.
What if you can move an
island with your mind?
Also, have you ever gone
really fast in a car
and the wind is in your
eyes, and you can't see?
Don't you think that's what
would happen if you were flying?
You've got to wear like bug,
bug shield and all that.
Or like, what about the
guy who shoots lasers
out of his eyes?
That's more of a liability
than a superpower.
Donald Trump?
Yeah, and he's all orange?
Yeah, I know exactly who you're talking about.
Okay, things are really
developing for The Handler.
She has found a child, and
she is mothering that child
in her own special way.
Oh the costumes... I
mean, if I have to be evil
to be this chic, worth it.
"Sorry to all those dead
bodies I have to kill."
"A falsetto child."
"I'm your mom now."
This is the kind of mom I want.
Work diva.
This is literally Russian
gymnastics training.
Totally.
You and your gorgeous dress can be...
I love a mom whose like, "Ah,
if you're gonna kill someone
you can't do it in that."
Okay, so Klaus is trying to warn
a younger version of his future lover
not to go to war where he's gonna die,
which is a considerate thing to do.
You know this clown?
He bought pink paint at the store.
Pink paint makes sense.
Come for my wig you (beep).
You're gonna come into my goddamn house
and make fun of my goddamn...
you know what color this is called
from the paint store? “Baby girl."
I think that's pretty accurate.
Hit the queer.
And I know there is a day that you will...
"Dead brother, get my pocketbook.
We're leaving."
That dead brother is like,
"Can we just go to Denny's?"
That dick must have been
right for him to be like,
"please don't go to Viet-, "
you know what I mean?
I know.
"Don't get your dick blown
up, I love that dick."
"The dick of death."
"Please don't die, dick of death."
"Don't die dick, I love your dick alive."
Do you know what it's like, when
you have a man who can't see you?
I would be like, "Girl you are
cute but (bleep) cheer up."
She has amnesia, but she
conveniently remembers
that she's a lesbian.
I had amnesia, I had a wife,
I worked in an AutoZone,
and then one day I snapped out of it
and I, look I was underneath a car
doing a full copper repipe
or whatever they do,
and I just went, "Oh,"
and I just, I left, yeah.
Nitrous?
Yeah!
You know the whippets? Woo, woo.
Yikes.
This looks not fun.
But you know what, I love when
big guys have a good time.
My dad died too, he left me on the moon.
This is you on a Tinder date.
"My dad left me on the moon."
"Oh, I'm not drinking."
A can of nitrous by the side...
"I'm in recovery."
"Medicinal purposes."
♪ "Come to my window" ♪
Oh no, Melissa Etheridge
has not been invented yet.
You don't ever wanna wake up
with someone staring at you.
That's never the tea,
you never want to wake up
with someone staring at you.
Imagine opening your eyes and just...
Good morning.
"Good morning." Yeah,
you do some stretches,
do something.
Or get the (bleep) out.
Is that coffee?
Want some?
Splashes it in her face.
You know yesterday, when you were
talking about us running away?
That's not sustainable. Mama,
that's called a kidnapping.
"We're gonna run away
together just me and you,
and then you're gonna live in
my backyard and have my kids."
Mama, the breath is hateful at that point.
Nobody's brushed yet, I hate that.
Aren't we all brothers and sisters?
Technically.
I love an incest justification.
"Technically," very Wisconsin.
"Technically."
That's like asking a nun
how to hump someone's leg,
I mean, who in this room knows
(bleep) about relationships?
This one, in secret love with...
Who would you ask, though?
If you really, really needed to know?
Oh, I'd ask one of those gay people
who do the dog stuff.
Oh, yeah, a pup, pups. Pup play.
A puppy person, yeah.
Good answer.
Thank you.
I just hate group breakups.
It's why I stopped dating twins.
Honestly, it's getting
more and more relatable
as the show goes on.
This is becoming very LA.
Is it gross to date twins?
I think it's probably gross to
have sex with them together.
I think it might be gross for
them but not gross for me.
"Why have one, when we can
have two for twice the price."
Have you ever had sex with a man?
Yes I have.
Okay. Do you like when the men
are talking about doing sex
and they say, "I wanna get you pregnant."
Even though you're both men.
I would say, "One moment please."
And I would remove him from my
body, and go take a long walk,
and I would never come back.
Or, they also say, they love to say,
"knock you up." "I wanna knock you up."
I said "Mama, I don't even like to joke
that I would ever have a child."
"We don't talk about
pregnancy in this house."
"My dick just crawled
back inside myself, no,
not in this home."
♪ Let me tell you about a place ♪
♪ Somewhere up a New York way ♪
♪ "Twist them around" ♪
Oh, with the hair dryers,
that was fabulous.
B-9.
Bingo is a melting pot.
Everybody loves bingo.
Why not bowling? Who's taking
their daughter to bingo.
What is she, 80?
Bingo, you old (beep) bags.
That's how I'm gonna enter the room
at every gig I have when COVID stops.
“Bingo you (beep) bags.”
You'll see me at the Apple
store at Beverly Grove,
"Bingo you (beep) bags."
They'll be like, "Can we check you in?"
I'm changing my Twitter bio,
right when this is over.
"Bingo, you (beep) bags."
"Bingo, you old (beep) bags."
I'm a fraud.
And he's got a bad taste in
underpants, let me tell you.
This show loves to do grubby white undies.
Yeah, what is with the
(beep) adult cloth diaper?
"We're gonna do these Chanel suits
and then we're gonna do
these grubby diapers."
You people should all just
go back to your families.
Do what all the religions do. "I'm dead,
and I'm gonna come back
in the future one day
and you better be good 'til then."
Like and then they have a conscience,
something over their head.
But you have no liability
like, when you have to show up.
My husband would like to try on this suit.
So, number three, Allison, Miss
rumor girl, rumor has it girl,
is about to come clean with her
husband about her superpower.
I heard a rumor that you let him try on
anything in the store.
Pretty Woman montage.
Here we go.
I think she went easy on him.
I'd be like, "I heard a
rumor your asshole fell out."
I heard a rumor you punched
yourself in the face.
- I think it's so funny.
- That's rude.
Look at what you did to me, look at it.
I don't see a problem.
Hot people are so dramatic.
With that chest though,
you know those nuts are
like, shrunk down skittles.
Time travel is, to me,
is way too stressful,
I don't wanna look back,
I definitely am not trying to look forward
I'm just trying to stay present.
Seriously! And honestly there's too many
ramifications of going
forward, going backwards,
like the butterfly effect of
like, you know what I mean?
It's not worth.
You don't want to Marty
McFly up that (beep).
Anyway if you like murder, intrigue,
lesbianism, magic powers, barns,
Time travel!
Kids peeing themselves,
you can watch The Umbrella Academy,
Season Two, on Netflix, now.
Woo!
