- Now listen, look guys, I know, I know,
I am aware...
that I must seem like a tough,
cold, son of a bitch up here.
In fact, the only time
I've ever cried in public,
in my entire life, was at my moms funeral.
I might be a tough,cold,son
of a bitch, but that doesn't
mean I'm not also,
one hell of an actor.
(laughs)
My mom was a depressed woman.
My mom was a very depressed woman.
My mom was so depressed,
she had the words,
"In case of an accident,
please do not resuscitate"
tattooed across all of her children.
Let's say my mom's funeral was like ten,
eleven years ago now.
Last year, I had her body dug up...
to settle a legal
dispute with my siblings.
Turns out I was wrong.
That is illegal.
(laughs)
Now at this point I should
admit my parents were actually
pretty reasonable people
when they were raising me.
Unless, they found drugs in my bedroom.
Then, they were high for days.
I think the strangest thing
in my family, my family
was just weird about sex. You
know? I was the oldest of five
kids in a tiny little house.
When my parents wanted alone
time they would gather us
together, say kids go play hide
and seek, and they'd lock
their bedroom door for an hour.
Of course I always knew what
was going on in there, I mean,
I would hide in their room.
My parents are weird about sex.
I think the most embarrassed
I've ever been in my entire
life, is the time my mom
and dad caught me watching a
hardcore bondage pornography,
over their shoulder.
(laughs)
And I'll never forget, I'll
never forget the first time I
had sex. You know those stories you hear,
about kids who lose their
virginity to the hot babysitter?
I was the babysitter.
(claps)
Yeah, I could've opened
with that if I wanted to.
