I DON'T KNOW IF YOU CAUGHT THE
KENTUCKY DERBY ON SATURDAY.
IF NOT, YOU MISSED A LOT OF
DRAMA.
BECAUSE ALTHOUGH FIRST PLACE
INITIALLY WENT TO A HORSE BY THE
NAME OF "MAXIMUM SECURITY,"
ABOUT 20 MINUTES AFTER THE RACE
ENDED, "OFFICIALS FOUND MAXIMUM
SECURITY GUILTY OF A CONTACT
FOUL AND DISQUALIFIED HIM."
OH, ALL OF A SUDDEN HORSE RACING
HAS RULES?
( LAUGHTER )
THIS IS A SPORT WHERE WE STRAP
TINY MEN TO HORSES TO WHIP THEM
FOR A MILE AND A QUARTER AND IF
THERE'S AN INJURY, THE FIRST AID
KIT IS A SHOTGUN!
( AUDIENCE REACTS )
TRUE STORY.
NOW, THIS STORY IS OF ZERO
CONCERN TO THE PRESIDENT OF THE
UNITED STATES, SO HE TWEETED
"THE KENTUCKY DERBY DECISION WAS
NOT A GOOD ONE.
IT WAS A ROUGH AND TUMBLE RACE
ON A WET AND SLOPPY TRACK,
ACTUALLY, A BEAUTIFUL THING TO
WATCH.
ONLY IN THESE DAYS OF POLITICAL
CORRECTNESS COULD SUCH AN
OVERTURN OCCUR."
( AUDIENCE BOOING )
FIRST OF ALL, I'M SORRY YOUR
HORSE DIDN'T WIN.
BUT WITH ANY LUCK, YOU WILL BE
SEEING MAXIMUM SECURITY AGAIN
SOON.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF )
SECOND -- AND I MEAN THIS WITH
ALL DUE RESPECT -- WHAT THE HELL
ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, GRANDPA?
WHAT IS HORSE POLITICAL
CORRECTNESS?
(AS OLD MAN)
"THESE LIBERAL, SNOWFLAKE HORSE
RACES.
THEY DON'T EVEN TURN THE LOSING
JOCKEY INTO GLUE ANYMORE.
IF SECRETARIAT WERE ALIVE TODAY
THEY'D HAVE TO CALL HIM AN
"EXECUTIVE ASSISTANT."
OH, AND THAT HORSE HAD A SWEET
KEISTER.
COULDN'T SAY THAT NOW, OF
COURSE.
THEY WOULDN'T LET ME BRUSH HER
DOWN.
SEXY HORSES.
( LAUGHTER )
BUT AT LEAST THERE'S ONE
CULTURAL PHENOMENON THE
PRESIDENT HASN'T WEIGHED IN ON.
THE GAME OF THE THROOOONE!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
IS THAT THE THEME SONG?
JON, DO YOU WATCH "GAME OF
THRONES"?
>> Jon: UH -- NO, I DON'T.
I'M SORRY.
( AUDIENCE REACTS )
>> Stephen: AMAZING EPISODE
LAST NIGHT, JON.
SPOILER: IT WAS ON HBO!
( LAUGHTER )
THE SHOW IS LEGENDARY FOR
CONSTANTLY ADDING SURPRISING NEW
CHARACTERS, AND LAST NIGHT THEY
INTRODUCED A DOOZY.
LATTE, OF HOUSE STARBUCKS
( LAUGHTER )
SOMEONE LEFT THEIR COFFEE ON THE
TABLE!
WHOOPSIE VENTI!
THAT IS THE BIGGEST ANACHRONISM
IN POPULAR FANTASY SINCE
GOLLUM'S BIG GULP.
( LAUGHTER )
IT ALSO EXPLAINS WHY LAST WEEK'S
EPISODE WAS SO DARK.
THEY WERE TRYING TO HIDE ALL THE
COFFEE CUPS!
( LAUGHTER )
PLUS, A STARBUCKS IN WINTERFELL?
WESTEROS IS GENTRIFYING FAST!
FIRST THEY FORCE OUT THE
"UNDESIRABLE" RESIDENTS, AND
SUDDENLY THE NIGHT'S WATCH IS
DRINKING MOCHA-CHINOS, NEXT
THING YOU KNOW CASTLE BLACK HAS
A JAMBA JUICE.
( LAUGHTER )
NOW A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE CALLING
THIS STARBUCKS CUP A MISTAKE,
NO.
"GAME OF THRONES" DOES NOT MAKE
MISTAKES.
NOT EVEN ED SHEERAN'S CAMEO.
( LAUGHTER )
GEORGE R.R. MARTIN SET STUFF IN
MOTION YEARS AGO THAT'S PAYING
OFF NOW.
THAT CUP WAS THERE FOR A REASON.
I WORKED IT ALL OUT AFTER
FOLLOWING OUR QUEEN'S EXAMPLE
AND POUNDING ESPRESSO ALL NIGHT.
OKAY, DAENERYS IS KNOWN AS THE
"UNBURNT."
WHY?
BECAUSE HER COFFEE BEANS ARE
ALWAYS PERFECTLY ROASTED.
AND LIKE ALL STARBUCKS
CUSTOMERS, HER NAME IS
CONSTANTLY MISSPELLED, AND SHE'S
OBSESSED WITH FINDING A SEAT.
I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING:
STEPHEN, THIS ALL MAKES PERFECT
SENSE SO FAR.
BUT HOW DID SHE GET A STARBUCKS
CUP FROM THE FUTURE?
SIMPLE: DAENERYS HAS THE
INFINITY GAUNTLET.
AND NOW YOU'RE THINKING, "NO SHE
DOESN'T, STEPHEN.
THAT'S INSANE."
IS IT?
OR WILL IT MAKE PERFECT SENSE IF
THEY WOULD JUST PRODUCE MY
SCREENPLAY: "ENDGAME OF AVENGERS
INFINITY THRONES: PLEASE KEEP
THESE FRANCHISES GOING, I NEED
THIS!"
