♫ A Majestic, Mountainous Theme ♫
EMRE: Oh! I just got this brilliant idea.
AARON: Yeah?
EMRE: You should seduce Arnbjorn.
And then, Astrid will break up with him because he slept with you...
And then, you can get Astrid!
AARON: That's a great idea, Emre. I'm on it.
You just eat that roast!
EMRE: WHOAAAAH!
AARON: Holy shit! Why do they employ a fuckin' dead man up here?
EMRE:  It looks like somebody left his face in a bathtub for a week!
[THE BOYS laugh at the elderly]
AARON: Where is he?
Where's ARNBAHJORN??
VEEZARA: Meeee? I've been part of the Dark Brotherhood from the day I first hatched.
AARON: Do you think I *FUCKING* care, Veezara?
Hey!
Nazir! Check this out.
BAHAHA--I dropped the raw beef on his head!
EMRE: LOOK AT 'EM!
AARON: OOOHH, WHAT A LOSER!
EMRE: Got his arms crossed--
AARON: I fuckin' played a good practical joke on you, didn't I?
EMRE: I thought you were gonna fuckin' talk to Ambyjorn?
Anbyjorn?
AARON: I don't know where Anbyjorn is. I can't ff--
He's slunk away because he knows that I am the rightful...b-bride of his wife.
I've proven myself time and time again in battle while he just SAT here and like, twiddled his dick.
EMRE: Oh! Here he is!
ARNBJORN: Hello, Tid-Bit.
AARON: Da--WHAT the FFFUCK did he just call me?!
EMRE: WAAAhhh, I think he called you Tin-Bits.
ARNBJORN: You're part of a family now, Ham-Shank.
AARON: I do *not* appreciate being called HAM-SHANK.
EMRE: Or, Tid-Bit!
AARON: Take it BACK!
ARNBJORN: What do ya want, Beef-Roast?
EMRE: OH HOHOHO!
AARON: OKAY! No one calls me Beef-Roast, unless they're in bed with me! Okay?!
Yeah! You are a sicko!
I can't believe Astrid loves you!
Fuckin' calling me Tid-bit...
I hate talking to Arnbjorn. He always looks like he's so fucking cool, but...he's not.
Astrid!
Hey, Astrid! I got you a flower!
It's ticklin' yer chin, Astrid! You can giggle, it's alright...
Come on!
SNIFF IT!!
SNIFF MY FLOWER!!!
Yeeeeewwwww fuckin'...
This relationship is *rough*. I'm not sure about this anymore, Astrid.
I'm really starting to have *doubts* about us.
A relationship is a two-way street. ASTRID.
I'm gonna give you ONE more chance.
I'm gonna go out and kill some people and come back.
And, you better *shape up* when I get back here!
EMRE: Oh, you had your first fight...
AARON: It's true. You're right. That was just our first fight.
♫
AARON: Alright, so, I'm gonna go to Markarth aaaand I'm gonna start killin' some bitches.
HEY, ERBODY! WASSUP?!
WATS HAPPENIN', BIIITCHESSS?
EMRE [gasping]: OH! They have their own Oracles here!
AARON: Hroki! You killed the Oracle and took her chest!
HROKI: Mah father is more generous than he lets on...
Gives me plenty of spending money!
AARON [unnecessarily loud]: I BET YOUR FATHER GIVES YOU LOTS OF SPENDING MONEY!
Hey. How's it goin', *FRAabbi*?
You know what?
It's--That's a good name for you to have, because you *look* Frabby.
AARON [suddenly a Mean Girl]: You're kinda--Your shirt's fallin' off.
You look kinda *beat up*.
And--
FRABBI: Ye come right tew meh, if yeh find an unwashed floor or a lumpy bed!
AARON: Yeah...Thanks, FRABBI.
Nice to meet you...
Wow. I feel sorry for *Frabbi*...
AARON: WHOAAAAH--What's goin' on, Muiri?
MUIRI: Why are you looking at me like that?
AARON: I'm not sure what you're talking about. You're kinda pissing me off.
Okay! Let's see what she's talking about.
Oh, shit--I forgot I had this sex armor on!
EMRE: Maybe that's what she's talking about.
AARON: Tell you what. I'm gonna look at you really LEWD so you know what like, what I'm...What you're talking about.
MMNNNnn. Muiriii.
MUIRI: Why are you looking at me like that?
AARON: I don't know what you're talking about, ma'am! EHEHEHEH.
Right?
She just finished her, uhh, lingerie football game.
Judging by that makeup.
You forgot to wash your face off after that football game.
Okay. What did she say? I don't really knowww...
I haven't been paying attention. Kinda bored by Muiri...
EMRE: Alright, well, if you're ever *not* paying attention just remain silent.
AARON: Okay.
MUIRI: Well, there is one more thing...
AARON: Okay?
MUIRI: If you're interested...
AARON THE PERVERTED: EHEHEHhh, I'm listening...
MUIRI: If you can...
AARON: MHM??
MUIRI: I want you to kill someone else, as well.
AARON: WHAT?
AARON: I thought maybe she just wanted me to, like, do the dishes or something...
Is there anything else? I don't CARE.
GOODBYE.
Okay, uhhh--
[THE SOUND OF MANIC FOOTSTEPS INBOUND]
Excuse me, wha--
FRABBI: YEW WAHNT A DRINK?!
AARON: UHH...
WOW. That was really urgent, Frabbi??
W-Woowww, whah...hahaaaah--
[AARON and EMRE dissolve into laughter]
AARON: Somebody must have ran over to her and been like, 'HE NEEDS A DRINK!! STAT!!!'
FRABBI [deeply, in slow motion]: YEEEEH WAAANHT EHHHH DRIIiiiiINKKkk?
AARON: Thanks, Frabbi!
FRABBI: I should remind Kleppr to clean this place up!
AARON: Yeah, definitely. It's filthy in here. *IT'S DISGUSTING.
Alright.
See YAAaa...
God, she's weird.
OOoh, God! What ever they're cooking is disgusting!
AAAGHH! AHH! OOGHHH!
[A Mighty Vomit of FUS RO!]
Ahh, Gahd! Sorry about that! I hope they can clean this up.
UHHm, okay. So, I'm afraid, as usual, I was not paying attention to anything that was happening.
Aaand, I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do now...
EMRE: Wellll, I think you have two people to kill now.
Uh, one of them is in a city.
Aaand, the other one is in some Dwarven ruin.
AARON: Hey, what kinda shield is that? Is that some kind of Dragon Ball shield?
EMRE: *Dragon Ball* shield?
Nah, that looks like one of the scarabs from 'The Mummy'.
AARON: I wouldn't know that because I haven't watched that trash-fuck movie.
EMRE: WHAT??
AARON: Yeah, isn't that the movie with that guy that's...
EMRE: Brendan Fraser?
AARON: Yeah! Brendan Fraser!
EMRE: Yeeah!
[The Mysterious Entity known as ADAM attempts to correct their mispronunciation]
AARON: Brendan FRAAAAAIZUR.
Thanks, *Adam*, for correcting our Brendan FRAAAAIZUR pronouncement!
Can you punch Adam in the fuck-face?
EMRE: YEAH.
[The Sound of EMRE Rhythmically Beating Adam]
AARON: Thanks.
If I find out this whole thing is a big practical joke, and there is no Demon Horse...
I'm gonna kill you.
EMRE [unimpressed]: That would be *tragic*.
AARON: That would beee...*more* than tragic. You will get...something chopped off your body.
[EMRE chuckles at AARON's poor threats]
AARON: And, I will determine what that *is* by rolling a 20 sided die.
And, labeling all your parts.
EMRE [laughing]: Oh, good!
AARON: Natural 20 is your dick.
EMRE: Oh, that's only a 5 percent chance so--
AARON: 19 is your balls.
EMRE:...10 percent chance.
AARON: Uhhhhm, if I roll an 18...it's your dick *and* balls.
AARON: 17, just the tip of your dick.
EMRE: UHHH...
AARON [loves to talk about EMRE's dick]: 16, one ball.
15...
Uhh, a toe...
Will be *stuffed* up your ball, and then cut off.
14...uhh, I cut off your nose.
And, stick it up your dick slice.
Now, that is a clever way to cook your food!
That is ingenius!
EMRE: Martha Stewart Livin'!
AARON: Uhmm, okay, well. It's gonna be hard to get through his little, uh, setup here--
Without getting...burned like a skeever...
EMRE: GO, GO, GO, GO!
AARON: Oh, shit.
Now, watch Lydia come through. Hey, Lydia!
Lydia, come on through!
AWWWWW, LYDIAAAA! You DIPSHIT!
[AARON and EMRE continue to laugh at LYDIA's pain]
AARON: Just a lil joke I played on ya there. Heh. Heh. Heh.
EMRE: She's got no choice, dude. She *has* to do it.
RANDOM DUNGEON DWELLING DUMBASS: Yeh won't live ta see to--AAAGGGGHHH!!!
AARON: Now, wait, what day is that?
You were talking about?
EMRE [mockingly]: TOOMAAAAAAAAAGHHHHhhh!
AARON: WELL. Alright. I guess I won't live til whatever day that was.
[Giggle Giggle]
AARON: It's tiiiiime to assassinate youuuuu--
EMRE: Oh, SHIT.
AARON: *Expert*??
EMRE: Ohhho, boy...
AARON: Holy bawls...
EMRE: This is gonna take a while.
[AARON FAILS UPWARDS TO SMOOTH JAZZ]
AARON:...I'm tired.
EMRE: Yeah, that's a good excuse.
AARON: Shuddup, I did it!
HEY, ERBODY! WHO WANTS TO GET ASSASSINATEDDD?
HEEEEYYyyy, HOW 'BOUT YOU??
NOOooo, how 'bout....YOOOoooooooouuu?
BANDIT DUMMY #3: NEVAH SHOULD HAVE CUMM HEREEEE~~
AARON: I'm gonna do a little bit of 'Weekend at Bernie's' action here.
EMRE: Alright.
AARON: I got Alain here. Check this out.
AARON [as the limp corpse, ALAIN]: Heeeey, maan!
Heeey, can you bring me a sandwich? I'm really hungry!
Hey, dude! Come on!
Snap out of it--It's Alaaain! Bring me a sandwich, man!
Hey, wanna go to the beach??
Hey, maaaahn--
LOOK! I'm really hungry! LOOK AT ME!
AARON [normally]: Oops.
EMRE: Pick 'em up, quick!
AARON: I don't think he fell for my trick!
[BAHAHAAHA]
AARON: Hey, did you see Alain? He was totally--EEYY! WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM?!
GAWDDAMNIT!
And with that, we wrap up another episode of 'Skyrim for Pimps'.
The Quest for the Demon Horse, which is very elusive.
EMRE: I just can't wait til we get to the end of that thing.
That quest.
AARON: The end of, ehh, which quest?
EMRE: *Astrid*.
AARON: Really? Why?
EMRE, THE MYSTERIOUS: Ohhh. You'll find out.
AARON: Oh, noo...
I'm worried...
EMRE: Let's just say, you get to see her...*naked*.
AARON: My Astrid, naked?
EMRE: Yeah.
AARON: And, enslaved at my feet??
EMRE: She's at your feet alright.
AARON: OOH--Wait a minute...
I don't like the way you said that...
[EMRE finds great delight in AARON's confusion]
♫
AARON: Can you steal a guard's outfit?
EMRE: There's only one way to find out.
[AARON laughs like a seal]
EMRE: That's the chest that took that sword so many years ago.
And, look down--That's the knee that took all those arrows.
AARON: Yes, it is.
[GTA Random Citizen: Yeeeeaaah! BOI, BOI! HaHa! DOPE!]
