

The

Cheating

Wizard 2

Masterfully Written by

Andre A. Spence

God-like Cover Illustration by

Leonardo A. Ariza

Copyright © 2014 by the author

Smashwords Edition
Contents

Chapter 1

Ritual of Destruction

Chapter 2

Ghost Valley

Chapter 3

Heroic Hobo

Chapter 4

Real People Games

Chapter 5

Tunnel of Death

Chapter 6

Grave Encounters

Chapter 7

World Tournament

Chapter 8

Absolutely Flawless Perfection

Chapter 9

Final Fanboys

Chapter ∞

World of Infinity
A 2nd introduction to Magical Bullshit

No way... you mean the FIRST STORY wasn't enough for you!? Okay... here's the intro, along with a new list of goodies to look for:

"This is a never-before-seen Mystical Tale of Magical Madness. If you've read through the first "The Cheating Wizard" story prior to reading this one, your mind is already prepared for the random acts of magical violence that is sure to follow suit. Now, if you're reading this, and you haven't read the first book yet... get the flaming hell out of here, and go get your mind properly destroyed rewired fucked acquainted {there we go!} with this world of absolute magic, first!"

1: See the awe-inspiring uses of magic right before your very eyes!

2: Enter a world where everything makes sense, and magic is real!

3: New and exciting characters awaits you, none of which is forcing me to write this!

4: Destiny commands you to read this story, and I'm definitely not using convenient words to spell out a secret message at all!

5: History will be made with this completely original & epic tale!

6: Earn the right to brag to your friends, and tell them how much smarter you are for reading the most badass magical book ever!

7: Learn the secrets behind The Cheating Wizard's past, as well as other important things you won't actually care about!

8: Pray to whatever God you pray to, or not, that your mind will survive this second mystical adventure!
Chapter 1

Ritual of Destruction

Unspecified location

Situated inside a dim-lit and shrouded basement are a total of 3 adult males. To better shield their identities, the men wore black hoods to cover their faces, and were all hunched over with their elbows placed atop an oval-shaped table. The only other available furniture inside the room was the three chairs being used by each man, and the small hanging chandelier above their heads which casted ghostly shadows across the small rectangular-shaped space. It was roughly ten years ago when these men last gathered, and uncontrollable chaos usually followed suit at the point of their dismissal.

The eldest of the three, a man named Samuel Graves was the first to speak.

"Those bastards have been getting away with murder for far too long..." he said with a disgruntled voice.

"Indeed..." another hooded man answered. This one was named Victor Desgatos. "This is why I called the meeting here tonight. I think it would've been best if we gathered our forces before we launched our atta-"

"Oh please," the remaining hooded man interrupted. His name was given to him by his peers, El Carnicero (The Butcher). "Victor, you think those little fuckers can roll up in my turf, and I'd just sit by and not take action first?"

"I don't blame you for taking action," Victor began saying. "But we are outnumbered this time... and the enemy seems hell-bent on wiping us out."

"Tell me, Carnicero..." Samuel began saying with a wave of his right hand. "How many men do you have left after the first attack?"

"If you include the ones I keep for personal security, I have about 25,000."

"That's it?" asked Victor with a smug tone.

"Hey, we're not here to compare dicks, man," said Carnicero with a humorous grin. "Besides... my men are better trained than yours."

"Gentleman!" Samuel shouted while slamming his hands onto the table. "Enough of this childish banter! This is serious... or do either of you think you can stop the enemy by yourself?" He looked back and forth between the other men after he asked his question. Not surprisingly, they both remained silent.

After a strained period of frozen silence, El Carnicero was the first to break the ice.

"Sorry... I guess I'm still pissed after losing 5,000 of my men in a single night."

"Where, and what time did you engage them?" asked Victor.

"On the far west side of the city, around 3am this morning," Carnicero began saying. "These guys, creatures, or whatever the hell they were, had skin that never gave two shits about bullets."

"So how did you hold them off for so long?" Samuel asked him.

"Hold them off? You've gotten funnier since the last time we met!" Carnicero answered with a humorous tone. "No... the rest of us hightailed it outta there; the ones that died were the ones who stayed behind to fight."

"Sounds like you needed the help of my fists," said Victor, pushing his hands through his long sleeves. His cybernetic fingers tightly gripped the side of the tabletop, to which he then effortlessly pinched off a chunk of the wooden table using a simple pull.

"Yeah, I suppose that would have helped us... anyway, are you two ready to begin?" asked Carnicero with a grim tone. After loudly clearing his throat, Samuel stood up from his chair, and said the phrase the other two men had been waiting to hear.

"Yes, let us begin the Ritual of Destruction."

4,000 years later

Contra Versus awakened inside his diamond castle made entirely out of scented candles, and shook with terror on account of the terrifying dream he had just witnessed.

"Maaaaax!" he screamed out with a demanding tone. Thunderous steps were subsequently heard rushing across the ceiling above, until the invisible demon watering its flowers above fell off due to the decreased gravity.

"Nooooo!" screamed the demon as it fell through deep space. After crashing onto Contra's bed, it looked him square in the eyes, and delivered its final message. "My liege, I'm sorry... I... I crushed your teddy bear..." After it spoke, its grotesque red colored body faded from existence.

Right after it faded away, Max came rushing through Contra's bedroom door.

"Boss!? Is everything alright!?" asked Max with a panicked tone.

"Max! I just had the strangest dream!" Contra cried out with terror. To save himself the precious 2 seconds required to walk the 3 inches needed to reach Contra's bedside, Max teleported underneath the bedcovers by his friend's left side.

"Was it about those strange hooded men again?"

"No! I had the one about Teddy Deemon!" Contra cried out with lemon-scented tears.

"Impossible! We sealed him away during our last adventure!" Max pointed out.

"Yes, but we never told that story... the last one was about that cheating son of a bitch!"

"Shhh! He'll hear you!" Max warned him. Contra took his advice, and turned to his right side to check on the sleeping wizard.

"No... he's still sleeping like a log," said Contra, tapping the crusty bark of the piece of wood.

"Oh... well in that case, should we fill everyone in about Teddy Deemon?" Max asked him.

"No! They don't give a shit about us, so why should we tell them about our last dramatic struggle!?"

"You're right..." said Max, slipping out the left side of the bed. After getting to his feet, he materialized a large television screen out of thin air, and positioned it to face the front of Contra's bed.

"Max?"

"I'm gonna watch some anime," said Max, sitting down onto a newly materialized chair. He removed his invisible clothing at last, and placed on a blue bathrobe he borrowed from the sleeping wizard lying beside Contra. Immediately after the screen turned itself on, a girlish-looking boy was seen talking to another stylish-looking girl with long green hair.

"What the shit is this!?" asked Contra, quickly slamming his fists into the unmoving log placed next to his right.

"This is the new hip anime, Emo School Boy Adventures," Max explained with a wave of his left hand.

"Why do most of these shows have a bunch of children as their main characters?"

"Because... younger people are easier to brainwash," Max began saying, "and older adults often wished they had better or more exciting school days, so they watch these youthful people in a poor attempt to try reliving their own youth."

"That sounds like a very sad existence... are people really that gay?" asked Contra.

"Yes... this is why I came here today, to show you the state of magic in this strange land of animation."

"Max... what can we do?" asked Contra with a worried tone.

"I will infiltrate the base of resistance, and find Cindy somewhere in the back of the school."

"When the hell did Cindy get in there!? And why does this seem so serious all of a sudden!?"

"Anyway, are you going in, or not?" asked Max, getting to his feet. He removed his bathrobe with a push of his hands, and revealed his shining silver colored armor beneath it. It pulsated with immense electrical energy, and seemed as if it could transform into a storming thunder dragon at any second. Max then spoke a few muffled words, and brandished his +500 Giga Electric Sword from his right side before raising it to the heavens.

"Yes, I'm ready!" said Contra, springing to his feet. He removed his shirt, and equipped his Universe Gauntlets to his hands. "Those fuckers won't know what hit 'em!" Now that both men were ready, they materialized a portal leading to the animated world in front of the television, and rushed inside it with their bodies ready for the absolute chaos that awaited them.

Inside the hip new anime, Typical Teenage Troubles...

After crossing over through the portal, Contra swayed his golden hair to the left and right, and checked to see if his anti-emo aura was still in effect.

"Yes... my tank still has bullets," said Contra, struggling to hold the -250,000 lbs tank inside his right hand. He held it by the tip of its main gun, and slung it over his right shoulder for dramatic effect. To save even more of his precious time, he teleported to the front of the school, and proceeded to stomp his feet into the pavement to quickly summon his strength. "Come at me... you typical teenage bastards!"

In response to his challenge, millions of prepubescent teenagers began rushing out from the front of the school entrance. They were all armed with guns, guns, and even more guns. Clearly, the odds were not in his favor.

"Nooooo!" said Contra, falling down onto his left knee. "My left leg fell asleep!" As the swarm of teenagers was only a second away from washing over him, he received a sudden phone call from his dearest friend.

"Contra! Hold on just a bit longer!" the man's voice called out.

"It can't be... Ultimate Master of Magic!?" Contra cried out with tears of joy.

"Yes, it is I, the Ultimate Master of Magic," the proud voice answered. "Oh crap, I'm getting another call... can you hold on just a moment?" Before he got the chance to answer, the line went dead.

"Hurry man! These emo faggots are less than a second away from reaching me!" Contra shouted with desperation. After waiting another 80 billion years, the connection picked up on the other line once again.

"Sorry about that, I had to save the multiverse from a rampaging hero wearing a skin-tight latex suit."

"The person wore a skin-tight suit? That could be any one of those comic book heroes!"

"Would it narrow it down if I said the person also had a type of symbol on their suit?

"That could still be any one of them!" Contra cried out with frustration.

"Okay, here's my final hint... this hero had his or her backstory repeatedly changed throughout the years, and there are more plot holes in their story than a mile-wide cheese grater. In addition to that, these holes are filled with bullshit answers by utilizing alternate realities."

"You're not making this easy... are you?"

"Fine, just forget it then. Wait a minute... didn't you need help with something?"

"Yes goddammit! I need the help of your magic to defeat these dragons!" said Contra, finding the strength to get back to his feet. He removed his helmet visor at last, and pulled his +5,000,000 Dragon God Slayer Sword from his right side. As he looked ahead of the desolate battlefield, he sees the storm of invincible dragons flying straight towards him at the speed of light. Because of his dramatic struggle with the ground earlier, his left knee's armor plate was in shambles.

"But, Contra! You have the legendary Dragon God Slayer Sword! Isn't that more than enough to defeat them!?" asked Ultimate Master of Magic.

"These are regular dragons... so it doesn't work!" Contra pointed out. The situation was beginning to look completely hopeless.

"Hold them off for a million seconds... that will give me enough time to summon my weakest magic!"

"Gotcha! Thank you my friend!" said Contra, rushing forward at the speed of light. Because of his haste, his phone slipped outside his armor's back pocket, and shattered the entire universe.

1 million seconds later...

After conveniently restarting the universe, Contra began engaging in deadly combat against the dragons off camera. He had been fighting for what felt like forever, and there was only one dragon left out of the 46 trillion that once dotted the skies all around him.

"You're the last one!" said Contra, pointing his spotless sword towards the bloodied beast.

"Foolish mortal! I am an invincible dragon! Your puny weapon will not harm me!" the dragon roared in the air. It was black in color overall, surrounded by red lightning, and looked ridiculously badass.

"Oh yeah? Well I'm not the one you're fighting!" said Contra, resting his sword against his right side in a reversed grip.

"That's right!" said the muffled voice of the Ultimate Master of Magic. His voice was coming from within the belly of the dragon. "Your opponent is me!" Immediately after he spoke, the dragon's powerful-looking stomach began glowing with a hot red color.

"No! How can this be!?" asked the dragon with pure fright. Its stomach was then quickly returned to its original color, and then the Ultimate Master of Magic teleported to the right side of Contra.

"Did you do it!?" he asked with excitement.

"No... my fire magic failed..." the defeated magician answered.

"For your insolence," the dragon began saying. "I will banish you both to the world of infinity!" Immediately after it spoke, it reared its enormous head backwards, and then leaned it forward as it released a powerful stream of white energy from its eyeballs. Right before the twin beam of energy struck, the Ultimate Master of Magic activated his magical barrier, and formed a powerful shield around them both.

Unfortunately, the beam of energy broke through the magician's magical shield, and his body began disintegrating into the passing wind.

"What the hell!? Why didn't your shield get broken!?" asked the disintegrating magician with fury.

"I'm wearing anti-dragon armor," said Contra with a shrug of his shoulders.

"Bullshit! Your armor is inside the magical shield... that makes no sense at all!" Ultimate Master of Magic complained. "Once I obtain my FINAL magical form, I will see to it that you experience the same fate as I am now!" After saying his last words, the angry magician faded away from existence.

"Noooo! Dumbass dragon... you killed him!" Contra shouted out with fury.

"And you're next!" the angry dragon cried out. In a fit of blind rage, Contra threw his sword through the air towards the dragon's face, which proceeded to stab into its lower back. Following a titanic blast from the sword's impact that destroyed the entire cosmos, the world was saved from the threat of the Ultimate Master of Magic. Unfortunately, it left Contra Versus, the almighty hero of justice, stranded in the empty vacuum of deep space.

100,000 years ago...

While drifting around in deep space, Contra eventually opened his eyes after what felt like forever. There was not a single star in the sky, except for the 3 sources of light that appeared to be speeding towards his position. The sources of light quickly arrived in front of his body, and upon closer inspection, they turned out to be 3 men wearing black cloaks. Their hoods were pulled over their faces, and one of the man's hands appeared to be made up of solid steel.

"Who are you guys?" asked Contra with an unimpressed tone.

"I am Victor Desgatos," the man with steel hands answered with a dark voice. "Mr. Versus... we are here to begin the next phase."
Chapter 2

Ghost Valley

After recently saving the world, Contra decided to throw a party in the basement of his ice cream castle. Only Savage and Cindy were invited to the party, since Max had been an unhelpful asshole during the fight against the Ultimate Master of Magic. The party was being held inside cell number 666, and a pile of chips and beer was littered all over the expensive floor made of solid gold.

"Excuse me, sir?" asked Savage George. He was currently seated onto a gigantic chair-sized strawberry, which faced the wooden table in the center of the cell. As usual, he wore his traditional uniform.

"What is it?" asked Contra, sipping on his ice cold beer. Since he was the one hosting the party, he was seated onto a wooden chair covered with rusty nails.

"Why are the walls melting?" asked Savage, looking around the partially melted walls.

"Yeah... I was just starting to notice that," Cindy added. She had ditched the U.S.A after the last adventure, and now wore her even stronger I.C.E (Incredibly Clear Ensemble) armor. Like Savage, she also sat upon a miniaturized exploding sun.

"Well, Cindy..." said Contra, getting up from his comfortable chair. "Maybe it's because that sun of yours is melting the freaking walls!?"

"That's impossible!" she protested with a wave of her hands. "I set the thermostat to 666,666,666,666° Fahrenheit; the entire room should be frozen solid!"

"You're right... this is all Max's fault!" said Contra, punching into the thick glass floor. After striking the floor with all his might, the melting ice cream wall shattered directly behind him, and a vortex of flames appeared in place of the broken wall. Contra was quickly pulled halfway inside it, and grabbed on to the sides of the powerful walls using his outstretched hands.

"Contra!"

"Sir!" both his friends screamed out in a panic.

"Heeeeelp! I can't go out like this!" Contra cried out with look of fury. As a sign of good faith, his friends quickly turned around, and began rushing towards the opened cell door. "What the-!? Get back here you cowards!"

"The castle is burning down!" said Cindy, rushing outside the cell. Her voice was then heard moving down the corridor while she spoke her last words. "I forgot to pay the water bill!"

"Savage! Help me!" said Contra, looking at the refined gentleman with pleading eyes.

"Curses! Why did Ms. Dawson have such a perfect excuse to leave so suddenly!?" asked Savage, rushing back to save him. As Savage dived through the air to save him, Contra pulled his way out from the vortex of fire at the last second, and quickly dashed to his right to avoid the incoming train. The train rammed through the flaming vortex, and Savage was eventually seen in the back of the last car banging against the fragile glass window.

"Savage! Nooooo!" Contra shouted out with despair.

"Sir! I have something important to tell you!" said the voice of the desperate butler. The sound of his voice grew lower with each spoken word. "Tell Max to stay the fuck out of my maid porn collection!"

"Tell Max to stay the fuck out of your what!?" asked Contra. The man's last words were barely audible. Just like that, Savage George, along with the speeding passenger train disappeared into the heart of the flaming vortex. It then exploded with the sound of an enormous balloon popping, and the shattered ice cream wall was returned back to its molten state.

"Wow, that was a valiant effort," a terrifying voice spoke behind him suddenly. Contra quickly turned around with tear-filled eyes, and sees the man he last expected to see in such a situation.

"It's you!" said Contra, backing away with fear. "It can't be... you're The Cheating Wizard from our first adventure!" The tall man wore a blood red trench coat with black clothing underneath it, and had on a pair of black boots tipped with metal spikes. His frantic-looking black eyes matched the color of his wild short trimmed hair.

"Yes," the wizard answered simply. He then walked over to the back of the room, and leaned his back against the flaming wall while crossing his arms. "Do you have any idea what's going on here?"

"Uh... what do you mean?" asked Contra, leaning his back against the frozen wall.

"Well, it's simple, really," said the wizard. "I needed to find the perfect excuse to get back into the story, so I figured I'd send you on a one way trip to hell."

"What the fuck!? You mean you were the one behind all of that!?" Contra screamed with fury.

"Yes! And now that you know, I will teleport you to the lost dimension of chaos, where we will have an imaginary battle where you can damage me, while having very casual conversations about important matters!" said The Cheating Wizard with a wild look.

"You're insane! What kind of sick son of a bitch has casual conversations in the middle of a dramatic fight!?" asked Contra, rushing towards the wizard at 500,000 times the speed of sound. Just before he made contact with the crazy wizard, a sudden explosion of light swept across the entire room, and he fainted before he realized he left the stove on in his gold-plated bathroom.

Moments later...

Contra awakened to find himself sleeping high above the skies, and was laying on what felt like an incredibly solid object. Upon closer examination, he realized the object was actually a thunder cloud, which had an unusually flat surface. All around him, the humongous thunder cloud stretched out in every direction with no other structure in sight for billions of miles.

"This... is the dimension of chaos?" asked Contra with a shocked expression. As soon as he asked his question, millions of individual lightning swept across the cloudy surface at the same time, which served to illuminate the deep vacuum of space directly above him. The lightning strikes continued with no end in sight, as if he had just awakened the wrath of nature itself.

"Contra... are you ready to begin?" asked The Cheating Wizard. His voice came from beneath Contra's feet for some reason.

"Bring it, bitch!" Contra responded with a determined voice. Since he was going to do battle against the strongest magical villain in existence, he removed his Universe Gauntlets, and equipped his new Water Fist Gauntlets instead.

{Water Fist Gauntlets are manufactured somewhere in China, by combining the rare metal called Magicalinium with water molecules. By using a series of complex science too difficult to describe with human words, the two elements can be fused together to form an invisible magical gauntlet encased in water. Because the water absorbs an infinite amount of pressure without breaking its shape, it serves to be even stronger than the Universe Gauntlets Contra once used long ago. In other words, not only can he punch his hardest without feeling the full effect, but the water will turn the energy released from his punches into destructive shock waves capable of destroying the heavens}.

As soon as he equipped his gauntlets, he flew straight up into the air, and marveled at the passing asteroid that flew directly over his head. After bringing his attention back to the thunder cloud miles beneath him, his head nearly exploded with deep fear.

"My God... what the hell am I looking at!?"

Standing on the surface...

El Carnicero was the man standing on the cloud's surface. He had removed his black cloak, which revealed his grotesque figure beneath it. True to his name, the man's body seemed to be made up entirely of butcher knives.

"I see you... Contra!" Carnicero shouted out with fury. He then aimed his hands towards the sky, and began chanting his ultimate magical attack. "By the mighty God of life, Suzy, I command you to die by the force of a thousand exploding water balloons!"

Flying above the thunder clouds...

Contra couldn't believe what he was seeing... The Cheating Wizard had somehow turned into a man wearing a blood red trench coat!

"That's impossible! What manner of sorcery is this!?" Contra shouted out with worry. In response, the wizard teleported in front of his position, and had a wild look on his face that clearly suggested he was invincible.

"Let's begin our imaginary fight!" the wizard yelled with fury.

The two slowing began exchanging powerful punches in deep space, and casually talked about random bullshit to be extra dramatic.

"Hey, how's it going?" asked Contra, slamming his right fist into the wizard's gut.

"Everything's cool, I cut my flowers today," said The Cheating Wizard, spitting into Contra's eyes before smashing his forehead into the blinded man's face.

"Yeah, I saw that one on the news the other day," said Contra, materializing a chainsaw out of thin air before sliding it across the wizard's chest.

"Anyway, since I temporarily got rid of Savage George instead of you, how would you like to team up?" Immediately after asking his question, The Cheating Wizard kicked deeply into Contra's balls using his spiked right boot.

"I don't mind... but aren't you the villain of this story? Why the hell would we team up?" asked Contra, biting the nose off The Cheating Wizard.

"Well, the name of the entire story is my name, isn't it? It makes sense to me," said the wizard, pulling a large butcher knife out from his pants pocket before stabbing it into Contra's heart.

"So wait a minute... you're saying everything done during this imaginary fight- where neither of us is actually being damaged, was just an overelaborate recruitment segment?" asked Contra, ripping off the wizard's feet before ramming them inside his eye sockets.

"Yeah, so after this battle is finished, we'll be completely healed, and be great friends who knew each other since our school days," said The Cheating Wizard, peeling off the entirety of Contra's skin using a novelty-sized potato peeler.

"All right, man, welcome to the team!" said Contra with a bright smile, to which he then grabbed a passing sun, and shrunk it using small-magic before shoving it inside the wizard's mouth.

A second later...

After seeing The Cheating Wizard standing before him once again, Contra couldn't help but lean against the ice cream wall with fear.

"Did you get the call from Max?" asked Contra, referring to the secret business deal no one else knew about.

"Yes, I'm here to help you investigate the Ghost Valley," said the wizard with his raised right fist.

"Right then! I'll teleport us there!" Contra quickly suggested.

"No need," said the wizard, pointing behind Contra's back. As he turned around to see what his friend was pointing at, he realized that they were already walking side by side along the dirt road leading to the ghost house.

"I hear she's quite the strong bitch," said The Cheating Wizard with a dark tone.

"Yes... she is said to have the power of the entire cosmos, and can bench press 50 pencils," said Contra with an equally grim tone. After moving forward along through the rocky mountainside, they finally spotted the object they had been searching for. "There it is... it's friggin' massive!" He pointed his right index finger towards an enormous disheveled house situated in the valley of the mountain.

By his rough estimate, the house seemed to be approximately 8 miles wide on its shorter side, 5 miles wide on its longer side, and a whopping 10 feet high.

"Let's go!" said the wizard, jumping off the side of the mountain. Contra quickly followed suit, and leapt off the side of the speeding sports car as well.

"Thanks for the ride!" said Contra, giving thanks to Cindy.

"Don't mention it!" she waved from the passenger seat in return. After a few moments, Contra crashed onto the ground a mile below, and stood to the right side of The Cheating Wizard. The two worried men exchanged nervous smiles for a few moments, before Contra drove his motorcycle through the front roof of the flat building. As soon as he entered inside it, he flipped backwards off the motorcycle in dramatic fashion, and crashed onto the top of his head.

"There's so many doors!" said Contra, referring to the billions of 200 feet tall doors lined up along the walls. The hallway in front of him literally stretched on forever.

"It will take you eons to find the right door leading to the ghost witch," said The Cheating Wizard behind him. "Should I make things easier for you?"

"No! We have to do this fucking legit! I will search each freaking room until I find her!" said Contra, shaking his head with defiance.

"Okay... I'll be waiting here when you give up," said the wizard with a shrug of his shoulders. Contra quickly leapt into action, and began checking the doors along the right side of the hallway as he rushed by. Even though he moved at the speed of light, he barely checked 5 doors by the time the building started to violently shake.

"Damn! It will explode any second now!" said Contra, doubling his speed even further. No matter what, he must find the ghost bitch before it's too late!

3 milliseconds later...

After giving up his lengthy search, Contra walked back to the front of the building with his head hung low.

"Fine..." said Contra, staring at the smug look the wizard was flashing him. "Here, just take it!" He removed the dead witch from his left pants pocket, and tossed it through the air towards the wizard's outstretched hands.

"Good!" said The Cheating Wizard after crushing the dead bitch to dust inside his hands. "This will activate my disappearing magic!" After a quick snap of his right fingers, the wizard made the walls of the massive building burst into water droplets. The droplets quickly splashed onto the floor, revealing the ghost witch standing a hundred miles north of their position.

Both men quickly kicked into high gear, and began driving the newly materialized sports car at its top speed to reach her in time. Sadly, Contra made the mistake of driving south, so they drove around the entire world in a single microsecond before reaching her ghostly position.

"Hello, fine gentleman!" she greeted them. Her ghostly stench was disgusting, and her body looked as fleshy as the sausage boots Contra happened to be wearing. "If you play a game with me, I will release you from the shadow world."

"I got this!" said Contra, rushing forward to sit on the chair made of solid diamond. A wooden table materialized out of nowhere, and so did another chair that the old bitch sat down onto. She then pulled out a single transparent cup, and placed a burning marble inside it.

"Find the marble!" she said with a challenging tone.

"I can't take this...!" Contra cried out in a panic.

"Allow me," said The Cheating Wizard, walking behind the ghost witch's back. He then held a reflective mirror high above his head.

"I see it!" said Contra, standing up from his diamond chair with a triumphant look. After giving his nod of approval, the crazy wizard smashed the mirror onto the top of the bitch's head, quickly reducing her to flaming ashes. At long last... she was finally freed.
Chapter 3

Heroic Hobo

Now that he had proven himself worthy of being the rightful CEO of Planet Rulers Tech, Contra gathered his loyal business ambassadors to conduct the firing ceremony. They were located on the 4th floor of the high-rise building, and the room was designed like any typical office setup you would usually see in fancy restaurants. To make themselves seem official, the men wore dress shirts and sweatpants, and the women wore string bikinis.

"Ladies, gentlemen!" said Contra, raising his arms through the air in an extravagant manner. "You're all FIRED!"

"But... Sexy General!" a practically naked woman started to protest. "You just hired us a second ago!"

"Dammit woman! We're at WAR!" Contra shouted out. His voice was so powerful, that it exploded the heads of the surrounding demons. Now that he had taken care of the last of the demons, he placed on his parachute, and dashed through the solid steel window leading downstairs. As he began crashing down through the many floors of the building, he eventually reached the lowest basement level, until he broke through to the other side of the stratosphere.

"Shit! I forgot my parachute!" Contra screamed in the air as he rapidly fell through the sky. Since he was completely surrounded by enemy fighter planes, he removed the freshly peeled turnips from his pants pockets, and began dual wielding the ultimate and legendary Anti-aircraft Destroying Guns of Destiny. As if on cue, the enemy planes began firing dozens of nukes in his aerial direction, to which he countered their attacks by activating his guns' secret technique. To activate this fabled skill, he pressed the trigger on the weapons, and began firing ordinary bullets towards the speeding nuclear warheads.

As the missiles exploded due to the impressive force of his round bullets, the flames released from the chained explosions formed into a gigantic airplane encased in fire, which promptly began falling down through the air.

"No! They'll be killed!" said Contra, referring to the innocent passengers on board the burning airplane. Since he had just enough energy left to teleport, he called the taxi that happened to be driving past him, and opened the door to find a stereotypical Indian man waiting inside.

"No shirt, no service!" the man shouted out after seeing Contra's shirtless and impressively flabby torso.

"Don't worry, I have lots of money!" he assured the worried man.

"Then hurry up and get the fuck in here!" shouted the turban-wearing man. Contra entered the flying taxi, and gave the man the proper directions to his next destination.

"Okay man, you're gonna make a left at the next exit, and then a right after driving about 20 miles."

"Yes sir! Allah be praised!" the man responded with a thumbs up. Racial stereotypes aside, the two began falling backwards through the sky towards the falling plane; all the while continuing to shoot their Anti-aircraft Destroying Guns of Destiny towards the falling comets closing in on it.

"We have to stop those comets! If they reach the plane, it will be extinguished!" Contra explained to the unknown Indian man.

"No! I shall punish the infidels by enforcing my religion on their souls!" the man shouted with a wild look in his eyes.

"Good idea!" said Contra, aiming his weapon towards the falling plane. After shooting out a storm of bullets, the projectiles opened a portal directly beneath his falling body, and he was transported to the inside of the burning plane after falling through it. Unfortunately... the strange turban-wearing man crashed onto the side of the flaming portal, and exploding into flaming bits of fleshy pieces.

Seconds later...

While waiting inside his seat at the back of the plane, he began going over what type of drinks he should be getting.

"Excuse me, ma'am?" he called out to the woman sitting on his left side. She was dead asleep, for her head was already leaking bits of cheese from her severed neck. Since she failed to respond, he helped himself to a bit of the cheddar cheese, and found a strange sensation taking over his body. "Oh my God!"

At his outburst, the other passengers on the small plane turned around to see him.

"What is it!?" asked the pilot.

"This is magical cheese! It just gave me the mystical powers to point out clearly obvious things uncontrollably!" Contra pointed out. Suddenly, the left wing of the plane exploded after colliding with a passing high-rise building, and the outside of the flames burst into bits of falling planes.

"Oh my God! That falling building just crashed into our flames!" Contra needlessly pointed out. True to his words, the flames erupted with planes even further, until it transformed into a burning plane at last. After seeing such a brazen act of vengeance, Contra suddenly remembered his mission.

He quickly jumped to his feet, and began rushing across the desolate jungle landscape while aiming his guns to the sky. As soon as he lined up his shot, he fired the nuke from the stealth bomber he held inside his right hand, to which it then sped through the air until it slammed into the falling building. The building exploded with a blast of expanding fire, and soon the entire world was covered by a 50,000 miles high sheet of ice. Contra was above the planet when he fired the missile, so he was safe from the frozen wonderland that awaited him below.

Since the planet's size increased 5 million times its original size, so did the pull of gravity. He was quickly pulled from deep space, and began falling down towards the direction of the frozen planet.

"I'm falling through space!" he needlessly pointed out. Because his body became superheated as it fell through the vacuum of space, he crashed through the frozen ground as he collided with the planet. The entire planet was instantly thawed as a result, which left him stranded above the roaring waves of the frigid planet-sized ocean. As he slowly got back up to his knees above the water's surface, he noticed that the sky was littered with billions of falling cheese.

"Cheese is falling out of the sky!" said Contra, pointing to the sky using his right index finger. To combat the falling cheese monsters, he equipped his red colored anti-cheese armor, and then placed his novelty-sized butter knife inside his right hand. The tension in the air as he watched the billions of falling cheese was so thick, that you could cut through it with a breath of air.

As the first of many cheese monsters struck the water, they were quickly consumed by the roaring waves, and disappeared from sight before they were able to begin their horrific attack. Clearly, the odds were not in his favor.

"Dammit! These odds aren't in my favor! This is hopeless!" Now more than ever, he will need to summon the help of his dear friends to save him from this dire situation.

Somewhere inside a random subway system...

Hideko Volcano is currently rushing along the dark subway tracks in order to get to Contra's aid, but first he needs to get past the horde of muscular men running straight towards him. Unfortunately, since Hideko is only a mere homeless man, he is armed with the legendary +99 Spiked Metal Bat of Infinity. He has long silver hair, wears 20 layers of colorful clothing, and smells of freshly peeled bananas.

"Contraaaaa!" shouted Hideko with his powerful homeless voice.

As the powerful-looking muscular black men rushed towards him, Hideko began swinging his spiked bat to the left and right with all his might. One by the, the 30 feet tall subway brawlers were being struck down, and exploded across the iron walls as if they were filled with C4.

"My God... are these men all suicide brawlers!?" asked Hideko with his horrified homeless voice. "I have to stop them!"

He increased his pace further, and began dashing about to the left and right as he swatted the muscular horned demons out from his frontal path. Just when it seemed he had killed the last of the planet-sized monstrosities, a speeding train came barreling down the subway tracks.

"Impossible! What is a train during here!?" The thought of a train speeding along the subway tracks was unthinkable to his homeless mind. Contra was still waiting for his assistance, though... so this is one large obstacle he will have to break through! "Hyaaaaaah!" he screamed out as he smashed his 500,000 layers of clothing into the front of the speeding freight train.

{Using his special homeless technique, Lots of Clothes, he can add additional layers of clothing to his body whenever he sees fit. In addition to that, he can use his last name to summon a volcano}.

Despite his valiant effort, the train was blasted back at the speed of light, and circled around the planet's underground subway system before striking him from behind. Due to his shit tons of clothing, he was blasted forward across the sky, to which he then began falling down towards the frozen planet beneath him.

"Everything is going according to my plans!" he said aloud with his homeless logic. Since he needed to fall even faster, he equipped a space shuttle rocket to the back of his clothes, and began speeding up towards the approaching comet threatening to destroy the planet. Right before he made contact with the 500-mile-wide ball of ice, he began to gather the strength of every living homeless person on the planet to use his ultimate fire technique: Flaming Human Hobo.

Standing on the planet below...

As Contra looked on with pure horror, a random homeless guy had lit himself on fire after exploding the rocket attached to his back, and was steadily speeding towards the approaching comet with no regard for his personal safety.

"No! He'll be killed!" said Contra, holding the top of his head with complete despair. "What can I do!?" Since Contra was quickly running out of options, he removed an ordinary cigar from his very expensive black suit's pocket, and quickly brought it to his face. No surprise, the cigar needed to be lit on fire before he could activate its special technique: Extending Comet Buster Attack.

Since the planet was frozen, and there was no available ignition source in sight, he will first need to traverse the bowels of hell in order to find a lit flame. Thinking fast, Contra used time magic to go back in time to the age of the dinosaurs, and was instantly crushed flat by a passing 500 feet tall fat man.

Somewhere nearby...

After watching his convenient body double get killed by the passing fat man, Contra quickly began rushing towards the erupting volcano off into the distance. The thick jungle trees rained down piles of burning charcoal as he rushed by them, so he was forced to evade them by extending the energy shield of his Water Fist Gauntlets. Some of the charcoal managed to burn their way through his magical bubble shield, so he began punching them using his invincible bear hands. After swatting away at the fiery objects using his bear paws for the next 400 million years, he arrived at the erupting volcano.

"Nooooo! Because I took so long, the volcano stopped erupting!" Contra pointed out. True to his words, the age of the dinosaurs was no more, and the erupting volcano had become an ordinary hill. He ripped off his bear hands in a fit of rage, which triggered an idea to strike inside his mind. "I've got it! If I can reach the sun, I'll be able to light the cigar, and then use it to stop to approaching comet!"

How he got to such a random conclusion after tearing off his bear paws... is beyond human reasoning. Nevertheless, he used his time magic once more, and went back in time before he witnessed the homeless man speeding towards the large comet.

250 million years ago...

After reaching back to his own dimension, he looked up to the sky while standing perfectly still amidst the roaring waves crashing against his body, and sees the billions of falling cheese monsters falling towards him.

"Noooo! I went back too far in time! I'll need to go back a bit more right before I saw Hideko Volcano for the first time!" How he was able to determine the name of someone he had never met before, was beyond human reasoning. Perhaps, the magical cheese had other effects not mentioned thus far?

{In addition to having the uncontrollable urge to point out obvious things, once eaten, the magical cheese also gives the user knowledge of things they shouldn't know about. Such as names, and complete histories of people the user had never even met before. It also had other convenient powers that could be randomly added if they are necessary for the plot}.

Now that he had seen the error of his ways, Contra used the last of his magical energy to summon Max to his right side, to which they then sat down onto the newly materialized sofa.

"Shouldn't we be helping our good friend, Hideko?" asked Max, stretching out his legs to show off his newly bought pair of black pants. Contra knew full well that Max had bought the pants years ago, so he had no idea why the man was showing them off.

"Wow! Nice pantaloons!" said Contra, flashing Max a thumbs up. He had never seen such extraordinary-looking pants before.

"Contra! Look there!" said Max, pointing towards the sky. As he turned to see what his friend was pointing at, Contra sees Hideko's body bursting into flames.

"Yeah, let's wait and see what happens," Contra suggested with a shrug of his broad shoulders.

"Shouldn't we be helping him? He could be killed!" Max pointed out while casually leaning back against the sofa.

"Max..." Contra began saying with a knowing tone. "There are times when we should sit back, and let someone else be the hero for a change." Both men nodded their heads in agreement in response, and watched as the situation unfolded high above the skies.

Just as they began looking towards the sky, they witnessed Hideko's flaming body picking up speed even further as he flew towards the approaching comet, before he smashed into the 500-mile-wide object and splattered his guts across its surface. Despite his heroic sacrifice, not a single bit of damage was dealt to it.

"He did it!" said Contra, jumping up and down with happiness.

"That guy's a real fucking hero!" Max added with a nod of his head. To celebrate, Contra removed his cigar from his suit pocket, and placed it inside his mouth. He then activated its super special technique, Extending Comet Buster Attack, and watched as the cigar extended straight up in the air. After several seconds, the elongated cigar passed through the upper atmosphere, and then passed through the approaching comet without even a hint of resistance.

The comet was quickly vaporized, and the cigar continued stretching outwards until it eventually slammed into the surface of the sun. By this time, it had grown as wide as the sun itself, so it was the perfect size to get lit. Contra drew in a huge puff of smoke from the lit cigar immediately afterwards, and then shrunk it back to its original size using shrink magic. He then jumped back onto the sofa to rejoin his friends, and turned to his left to brag to Hideko, who by this time had already recovered from his fatal injuries.

"Now that's how you light a fucking cigar!"
Chapter 4

Real People Games

Since he was a shameful homeless bastard, Hideko stole Contra's wallet, which somehow forced him to enter a mystical game called RPG. For this newest perilous journey, he decided to bring Max and Cindy along for the train ride into the magical city. Unlike Max, Contra decided to bring his stolen wallet, so he was able to purchase first class seats at the bottom of the speeding train. All three of them were busy holding on for dear life, and took this time to enter into casual conversation.

"Max! This is all your fault!" said Contra, shouting over the roar of the speeding train.

"But... I gave my money to Cindy!" Max protested.

"Hey, guys!?" asked Cindy suddenly. Both men simply turned their heads to face her in response. "We're on the wrong train!"

"See? I told you guys taking the taxi was a bad idea," Contra pointed out. "Hey... driver?"

"Yes, sir?" asked the driver, turning around to face them.

"Keep your damn eyes on the road!" Contra yelled out.

"Yes, sir!" said the frightened driver. "We are close to the set destination now."

"Good," said Contra with a relieved tone. "Wake us up when we get there; we're dead tired." The three heroes went to sleep in the back of the yellow taxi, and all had the same dream at the same time.

Inside their dreams...

For whatever reason, they all dreamt of their dramatic confrontation against the all-powerful Teddy Deemon while in deep space. As the name implies, this cuddly monstrosity was as large as the universe itself, and was made up of individual strands of soft fur capable of birthing entire star demons. They were moments away from having their final showdown against it, and were all dressed inside their legendary G.O.D {Glorious Old Demon} armors. Contra's armor was a shining blue metallic color that released an orange aura, and Max's armor was a shining white color that released a blue aura.

Cindy had already gotten her new I.C.E armor at the time, so she never had the same badass glowing effect as her friends.

"Guys... I don't think this is going to work out..." said Contra, breaking the silence of deep space.

"What!? This is what we all trained for!" said Max, raising his armored fists to the heavens.

"No, he's right..." Cindy began saying. "My I.C.E armor doesn't have the same glowing effect, so I look really out of place..."

"Cindy, watch out!" said Max, diving in front of Cindy's body. One of the broken strands of Teddy's fur entered through the edge of their universe, and was shooting straight towards Cindy's naked-looking body. Max was stabbed in the back by the sun-sized strand of hair, and was quickly erased from existence.

"Nooo! That was meant for me!" she cried out with tearful eyes.

"You're right!" said Contra, reversing time with a snap of his fingers. He went back right before Max was struck by the strand of sun, and pulled him out of the way so it would strike its proper mark. Just like that, Cindy was granted the ability to summon volcanoes from her I.C.E armor's breasts.

"We did it!" said Cindy, shooting out the volcanoes from her pointed breasts. As the three of them looked on, they witnessed the twin volcanoes smash into the front of the large sun, and vanished with a puff of smoke. The strand of blazing fur then retracted from the universe following a series of loud cuddly squeaks, and then out of nowhere, a miniaturized silhouetted version of Teddy appeared into their plane of existence directly in front of them. Even with its tiny form, it was still the size of their entire universe.

Because of such an impossible scientific situation, it shattered their magical reality, and sent them forward into the next story. The last thing all three heroes heard before waking up... were the horrific squeaking sounds of Teddy Deemon.

Waking up from their nightmare...

After waking up underneath the bottom of the speeding train, Contra grabbed hold of the nearby metal bar, and fell back in total comfort in the soft seat of the taxi.

"Ever since we almost encountered Teddy Deemon..." Contra began saying. "I'm unable to use my alternate bodies, and I'm unable to randomly change my backstory. I mean, I can still change my powers, but I can't change my name anymore for the sake of some kind of continuality."

"Boss?" asked Max with a raised eyebrow.

"What!?" asked Contra with an angry voice.

"Did you just make up some bullshit plot exposition so the people seeking answers won't be as confused?" asked Max with a humorous tone. His direct question caught Contra completely off guard, so in response, he rolled outside the moving taxi, and entered a warzone in the middle of the busy street in RPG City. He was armed with his standard assault rifle, and had his pockets filled with grenades and the unlimited ammo he bought from the DLC pack.

"Where's the flag!?" asked Contra, shouting to the nearby fat lady rushing across the street guns blazing.

"Follow me, rookie!" shouted the fat woman. The way she was dressed, it appeared she was a nurse of some kind; a horrible irony considering her incredibly hefty size. As he began giving chase behind her, he realized that his stamina bar was quickly depleting, while hers was remaining static.

"What the fuck? How are you so fast!?" he asked the running woman. They had crossed the street at this point, and began climbing the group of partially destroyed stairs. In her case, however, she was waddling up the stairs.

"I bought an infinite stamina expansion pack at the store!" she yelled back over the intense gunfire that suddenly erupted over their heads. Suddenly, everything had become clear to him.

"No! Is this another one of those generic FPS games!?" he asked rhetorically. He stopped his rapid advance, and tried using his magic to teleport to the store to buy another game. "Huh!? Why won't my magic work in this city!?" True to his words, it seems he was unable to activate the use of his incredible magic here in RPG City.

In response, he used his teleport technique instead, and appeared directly in front of the store. After buying tons of important supplies in the blink of an eye off camera, he exited the store armed to the teeth. Because of its gargantuan size, Max carried the large sack of supplies for them, while Cindy stayed in the back row because she did shit for damage. As soon as they stepped in the busy street after leaving the storefront, they entered inside a random encounter.

The force of the random battle screen shattered their dimension, and dragged them into another realm that looked exactly the same, only now there were several rabbits bouncing up and down 20 feet in front of them.

"Get ready, guys, I hear these things can get tough!" said Contra, shifting about to the left and right in his fighting stance. The two rabbits had red fur, and had bloodthirsty eyes. Max dropped the large sack of supplies behind them, and rushed forward to join Contra in the front row. Cindy remained directly behind Max, in the off chance that an attack was sent in her direction.

"I'll play support!" she said with perhaps too much enthusiasm.

"Max, equip your sword!" Contra pointed out to the confused swordsman. To add further insult, the man wore ragged clothing.

"I can't! I have to wait till it's my next turn!" said Max, standing with his empty sword stance. After waiting around in the busy street for several seconds, a powerful shock swept through Contra's body, signaling that it was his turn to attack. He quickly pulled out his smart phone, and began cycling through his list of available actions.

"Play things safe you guys... we don't know what these things are capable of!" Cindy warned them. Contra ignored her warnings, and selected to strike the two rabbits using his AOE attack. He quickly rushed to their front, and jumped high into the air before crashing down onto their soft bodies with his feet. They quickly splattered beneath the force of his shoes, and he leaped back through the air to get back to his original position.

With the battle finished, they began dancing in place as if they had just won the lottery. Unfortunately, during their moment of celebration, a passing car passed through Cindy's body, and struck directly into Max's back; killing him instantly. Luckily, Contra had bought 99 revive feathers, so he rushed to the opening of the large sack, and pulled it out before rushing back towards Max's flattened body. After tickling Max's grotesque figure using the orange feather, the man was instantly brought back to life.

"Thanks!" said Max with a happy smile.

"Be careful!" Cindy shouted out behind him. "We only have one of those left!" While waiting for the text message to tell them how much experience they gained from the dead rabbits, another car crashed into Contra's body, quickly triggering another random encounter. Unlike before, this time they were broken down into microscopic data, and then blown against the side of the universe in order to enter the next battle.

Judging by the music right at the start, everyone instinctively knew that this was no ordinary fight...

"A boss battle!?" Contra yelled out with worry. The Cheating Wizard appeared before them, and was surrounded by an invincible magical shield. "Cindy! Max! We need to increase our power if we want to break through that unbreakable magical shield!"

"Wait!" said Max with a horrified look. "How is he using magic inside this city!?"

"Fool!" The Cheating Wizard shouted out. "I'll give you 5 billion guesses as to why I can use magic, and you can't!" After the obvious answer sunk in, Max strengthened his resolve, and removed a fistful of pills from his pants pocket.

"Contra! Use these steroids!" said Max, tossing the handful of pills through the air. Contra caught them with his outstretched right hand, and hurriedly chomped down onto the powdery substances. Immediately after he did, his muscles quickly ballooned in size, and he felt the new strength coursing through his veins.

"Thank God these things work instantly, I didn't even have to do any training!" said Contra, flashing his friend a thumbs up.

"It's my turn!" said Cindy, rushing to the large opened sack behind her. She quickly grabbed a portable stripper pole, and placed it directly in front of both men. After placing her large torpedo tits between the long pole, she began sliding them up and down as if she was trying to squeeze the life out of it. To increase the effect of her technique even further, Cindy made excessive moaning sounds while she squeezed and slid her breasts between the stiff pole, until both men felt a strong sensation appearing inside their pants.

"Great thinking!" Contra blurted out suddenly. "The additional blood flow will make our strength increase even more than it was before!" After finishing her technique, she quickly returned the long pole to the equipment sack, and moved back to her original position.

"It's my turn!" said Max, rushing to the location of the opened sack. On his way there, a puddle of slick oil appeared beneath his feet, and he fell backwards onto his head. After angrily getting back to his feet, he realized that he had split the back of his head wide open. "What the hell happened!?"

"It was The Cheating Wizard!" Contra pointed out. "He used his magic to summon the oil!"

"But it was my turn!" said Max, getting back to his position. Clearly, this wizard had no intention of fighting fair. Luckily, it was Contra's turn, so he rushed back to the equipment sack to remove a large glass bottle of healing potion.

"Here, use this!" said Contra, throwing the potion into the back of Max's head. The injured swordsman was killed by the glass bottle, as it had taken the last of his hit points. "Nooo! The Cheating Wizard will pay for this!" he yelled out after seeing the death of his friend. Since he had conveniently used his Double Item technique a second ago, he rushed back to get the last remaining revive feather.

However, as much as he tried tickling Max's corpse, he refused to get back to his feet.

"You fool!" shouted the powerful wizard. "We entered a random cutscene seconds before that bottle struck him... so he's really dead this time!"

"What!? But Max survived stronger attacks than that... you're saying that just because we entered a cutscene in the middle of the fight, your bullet killed him!?" asked Contra with a defeated tone.

"No, you killed him with your potion! Your random logic doesn't work on me!"

"You fucking cheater!" Contra shouted out. "My random logic is the point of this story!"

"No! I am the ruler of this world!" the wizard countered. "And to prove it, I will give myself 5 million consecutive turns!"

"Cindy! Stop him!" said Contra, turning around to face her. As a sign of good friendship, she was busy running away down the end of the street before getting into a waiting tank. Moments after seeing her enter the armored vehicle, he received a text message from her.

"Sorry dude, I forgot to pay the electric bill. If I don't hurry back home, the washing machine will shut off, and ruin all your clothes."

Clearly, her excuse to leave the fight when things seemed absolutely hopeless made perfect sense.

"Dammit!" Contra cried out with frustration. "Fine, give me your best shot!" he said with a challenging tone.

"Gladly!" said the wizard, getting into his summoning position. "I call you back to the battlefield... Max!" He summoned Contra's dead friend over to the enemy side of the street, and for some strange reason, Max was wearing the G.O.D armor he wore during the fight against Teddy Deemon.

"What!? You said he was really dead!" said Contra, looking at his friend's powerful presence. Max drew his +500 Giga Electric Sword from his waist, and raised it to the sky to summon its all-powerful energy inside his body. He then slashed it across the sky, and tore a hole in the atmosphere to summon a storm of planet-sized asteroids. The enormous falling stones quickly slammed into Contra's bare chest, and dealt 9 quadrillion damage with each strike.

After receiving 5,000 of these devastating attacks, Contra knelt onto his right knee in defeat, and raised his head to see The Cheating Wizard laughing his head off with glee.

"Hyahahahahahaa! That was only my first turn!" he said with a frantic look in his eyes. "Here's my next one!" If using one of Max's weakest sword techniques was the wizard's first move, then the thought of seeing what the next turn had in store for him was far too much to bear. Luckily, Contra's body was trained in such a way to absorb damage, and deal it back to the target of his choosing by an equal amount.

The Cheating Wizard only had 45,000,000,000,000,000,000 HP, so if Contra activated his Special Super Attack right now, he would interrupt the wizard's turn, and win this climactic battle!

"Not so fast!" said Contra with a confident tone. "I'm activating my Super Special Attack!" Since magic was strictly banned from RPG City, Contra decided to use his legendary technique, called the Seismic Super Spearing Dynamo Reflex Punch. With the power of the entire cosmos flowing throughout his muscular body, he quickly dashed towards The Cheating Wizard 5 trillion times faster than the speed of light, and rammed his right fist into the wizard's stom-

Just before the damage points appeared on screen, the wizard turned off the game console inside Contra's room by yanking out the power cord, quickly bringing the battle to an end before he actually lost.

"Seriously...?" asked Contra with a dull look, turning to face the wizard sitting to his left side. "You just cheated in, and outside of the fucking game!?" The Cheating Wizard brought a smug smile to his victorious face in response, and got up to walk away from the sofa.
Chapter 5

Tunnel of Death

To mourn the death of Max, Contra decided to visit the theme park in the nearby unnamed city of France. He was already waiting in line to ride the newest rollercoaster, aptly named Twisting Sky Piercer. It was a sunny day tonight, so the usual noisy people were all wearing their nightdresses and talking loudly amongst themselves. Since he was growing fed up of their constant banter, he summoned a magical fog out of thin air, and blinded the nearby people so they wouldn't see his next move.

"Good!" he exclaimed with a happy look. "Now that I have them blinded, I'll just walk my way to the front undisturbed!" Somehow, it seemed the nearby people caught wind of his secret plans.

"Did you guys here that!?" asked an overweight fat man. "This guy wants to skip the line!" After the man spoke, the other people began angrily murmuring amongst themselves.

"I found him!" said Contra, pulling an innocent man out of the line, and holding him inside his right hand. "This bastard wanted to skip the line!" He quickly tossed the man to the swarm of angry people, and casually walked his way to the front of the broken line undisturbed. "Hahahaa! Just like I planned!"

After making his way to the front, he hopped over the chain fence, and made his way up to the elevated platform. Once there, he jumped into an available train, and strapped himself firmly inside it.

"So... what's your next move?" asked Contra, staring down the man in front of him. Carlos was playing a damn good game of poker so far, but with the lights of the dim-lit room darkening even further, it was clearly almost time for the main event to begin.

"You're good, man... real good," said Carlos, flashing him a coy grin. "But not good enough to beat my hand!" After speaking, the man slammed his Mexican right elbow down onto the iron table, and shattered his bones in response. As he began audibly groaning with pain, Contra slammed his own arm down as well, and clasped the man's right hand between his.

With both men now only seconds away from starting their fated arm wrestling match, one that would determine who would be first in line for Twisting Sky Piercer, every other person inside the karaoke bar rushed over to their table. Not surprisingly, as soon as the match started, Contra tore off the man's hand with his fearsome grip, and quickly brought the match to an end.

"Fuck yeah! Over the top!" said Contra, jumping up and down with glee. After winning the match, he used his alcoholic magic to summon a cold glass of beer into his right hand, before chugging it down with a single gulp. He then made his way back to the freight train right beside him, just as it was ready to shoot up into the sky.

"Ready?" asked the sports announcer manning the controls.

"Let's do this!" said Max, who was seated in the chair located to the right of Contra. Following a loud beep, the freight train rocketed to a quick start, and sped to the end of the track leading to the first tunnel. It was still late at night, so the front entrance of the subway tunnel looked extremely foreboding as they entered inside it. Since both men were running short on cash, they accepted the task of being security guards for the freight train they stood onto the rear of.

They wore the standard blue colored uniform, and was armed to the teeth with various pepper sprays, coins to call the police, and illegally obtained heavy machine guns mounted onto the back of the train. Max wanted to bring along a tactical nuke for good measure, but Contra realized they would damage their uniforms if they used it, so he told him not to bring it. As they passed through the immediate front of the dark tunnel, they began hearing feint whispers echoing throughout the cavernous space in the nearby vicinity.

"Please tell me you heard that..." said Max, cautiously looking over his shoulders. The train moved at a whopping 5 mph, so either man could crawl faster than it could move.

"Well, considering we can walk faster than this stupid train, I'd say it's not our speed that's causing those demonic whispers," said Contra with a knowing tone. Right after he finished speaking, he saw hundreds of dark shadows rushing against the corners of the dark tunnel. "Max! We have company!" Max rushed to the edge of the train car, and turned on the dim flood lights to illuminate only a portion of the tunnel behind them.

Once the pathetic beam of light spread several feet behind them, they began seeing a horrific sight speeding behind the train.

"Holy fucking shit!" said Max, falling onto his rear end atop the precious cargo. "Shambling zombies!" True to his words, hundreds of shambling zombies were speeding behind the slow-moving train, and made disgusting sounds while they continuously ate each other's limbs while they walked. "What should we do!?"

"We can't win! Dammit, we never trained for this! I'm supposed to retire next week! God help us!" said Contra, yelling out a barrage of clichéd excuses.

"I'll take care of this!" said Max, rushing to the mounted heavy machine guns. After loading the guns with bullets, he removed them from their mounted stands, and placed them inside his arms. "Take this, you shambling zombie bastards!" Following a large backwards heave, Max threw the heavy machine guns into the approaching horde of zombies, and knocked them all down like bowling pins.

The zombies quickly melted into the ground as a result, and then somehow began releasing clouds of poisonous green gas from every inch of the dark tunnel.

"Oh no! If we breathe in even a tiny bit of that... we'll turn into those filthy creatures!" Contra pointed out. After hearing his sudden outburst, Max began releasing a series of silent laughter. "What's so funny!?" he asked with an angry glare.

"I brought the nuke!" said Max, pulling out a small pen from his shirt pocket. This was good news, considering that the blast of air caused by the nuclear explosion would disperse the deadly poison.

"Good work!" said Contra, flashing his coworker a thumbs up. Max wasted no time, and clicked the back of the pen before tossing it inside the poisonous gas. As the pen exploded, the force of the resulting blast was so strong, that it sent them back in time a single second before they entered the tunnel. Contra used this time to order a private female dancer for the karaoke bar they were located inside, and sat patiently while listening to the the cloaked dancer finish up their terrible lyrics.

"Ohhhh yeah! I'm a fat man! A fat man-baby a FAT man!" said the dancing woman, twirling around her slim figure in a rapid blur of colors. She spun so fast, that her weight increased due to the equator that formed around her gut, which magically caused her to transform into a large fat man. Not surprisingly, the other members of the establishment screamed with terror, and exited the bar; leaving behind only Contra and his ice cold beer.

"Just like I planned!" said Contra, leaning back against his chair. As he sat in total comfort, the fat man walked off stage, and began swaying his large stomach to the left and right while he walked directly towards him. A lively Japanese pop song began playing in the background as the large man approached him, which served to make the situation far more terrifying than it was before.

"Hey, man!" said the fat man, jiggling his fat stomach all over the place while he talked. "You want me to sing you a song?"

"Are you asking me for a job?" asked Contra, slamming his beer onto his wooden table. The fat man sat at the other end of the table, and had somehow placed on an expensive 2-piece black colored suit in the time it took him to sit down.

"If you want to save Max, you'll have to listen to my wise words very carefully," said the wise old man. Contra had no idea where this man came from, but he was old, so he obviously knew what he was talking about.

"You mean... you know how to enter heaven!?" asked Contra with an excited look. Since Max had never hurt a single soul in his life, Contra instinctively knew his sidekick was nowhere near hell.

"Yes, I do," the wise old man began saying. After adjusting the loose tie on his shirt, he resumed speaking. "To enter heaven, you must break several laws of physics using a single action."

"Using just one...?" asked Contra with a defeated tone. "Will flying through the air without any source of propulsion count?"

"No... that is only one instance of magic," the wise old man answered with a shake of his head.

"But what if I called it something else? Like, what if I used my flying ability?"

"No, that still won't work... the act of flying without propulsion is simply not enough." The wise old man stood up from his chair at this point, and turned around to face the other direction.

"But, what if I gave a random scientific explanation? Like, what if I said I used a machine to vibrate my cells to the point where they became lighter than air, and I injected nanomachines into my brain that regulates the air density around by outer skin, thus giving me the ability to fly through the air simply by using thought alone?"

"Would any intelligent person be stupid enough to believe such magical science?" asked the wise old man.

"Well, considering some people believe in teleportation devises for humans, warp engines, and even time machines... why not give them some more magical scientific concepts to believe in?"

"I see your point," the wise old man admitted. "But, just because you introduce realistic elements and concepts inside a magical story, that still doesn't make it any less magical. If you throw a large carpet over a pile of steaming shit... the shit is still there, only covered."

"You mean... even if I were to include real-world science into my adventures right now... it would still be magical bullshit?"

"Yes... I'm afraid so," said the wise old man.

"But how come those other comic book stories get away with it!?" asked Contra, slamming his hands onto the table.

"They have a fearsome enemy backing them..." the wise old man began saying. "Tell me, Contra... have you ever heard of the beings known as Blindly Loyal Fanboys?"

"What the hell are those?" asked Contra with an innocent tone.

"They are stubborn creatures that select a certain company, item, person, or product to idolize... and then they will be fans of it until the day they die. Even if the subject of their idolization is completely flawed, these fanboys will still try to convince you otherwise."

"What madness! We must stop them before it's too late!" said Contra, quickly getting to his feet.

"Okay, brave and magical fighter, I will teach you how to defeat the fanboys. To defeat them, you must-"

Right before the wise old man gave his final and ultimate source of information to Contra, he was conveniently interrupted by the entire karaoke bar shaking violently.

"Drat! Never mind the ultimate secrets of defeating them!" said the wise old man, facing the front of the dim-lit bar.

"But you could have told me just now!" Contra pointed out.

"No! This convenient distraction demands my full attention!" Immediately after the man spoke, the top of the building was lifted into the air, and a 200 feet tall demon wearing excessively branded clothing was seen holding the severed building inside its arms. Over a thousand other demons circled around the entire vicinity, and they all wore their own unique excessively branded clothing. "Fanboys!" the wise old man cried out with fear. "Blindly loyal fanboys!"

"There's too many of them!" said Contra, leaning his muscular back against the wise old man's.

"I'll hold them off! Use this magical snowboard to escape!" said the muscular old man, materializing a snowboard out of thin air. He then handed it to Contra, who quickly strapped it to his feet. The muscular old man then activated his legendary and secret technique, Ultimate Multiverse Energy Absorption, and surrounded his body with a blast of red colored mystical energy. "With my invincible body and supreme powers, I'm far too weak to help you with your perilous journey... but- Contra?" asked the old man, looking around the entire bar.

Oddly enough, Contra was nowhere in sight.

5 seconds ago...

After receiving the snowboard from the wise old man, Contra made the quick decision to teleport out of harm's way, and stood at the base of the tallest snow covered mountain in the world... commonly referred to as Avalanche Mountain by the nonexistent locals.

"Max... I'll save you!" said Contra, looking at the deeply sloped snow covered mountainside. Since the fresh snow powdered the large mountain, he knew that any sudden movements could trigger an avalanche. After gathering his cowardly resolve, he shifted his weight forward to slide across the ground, and then began doing what the wise old man instructed him to do. That is, to break several laws of physics using a single action!

Seconds after he began snowboarding up the steep mountainside, random trees began popping up in front of him to stop his advance.

"You won't stop me, Tree Demons!" said Contra, increasing his speed even further. More and more trees popped into existence in front of him, and he was forced to swerve to the left and right while executing various spins and flips to evade them. At this point, he was snowboarding up the steep mountain faster than the speed of sound, and expertly evaded each and every tree demon while doing so. Even though he defied the laws of physics by snowboarding up the steep snow covered mountainside, it still wasn't enough to open the gates to heaven.

"Dammit... I need something else!" said Contra, gathering his cosmic energy inside his godly fists. After evading a tree demon by flipping back through the air, he landed onto his right hand while punching into the ground, which quickly caused the entire mountain to shake violently. Not surprisingly, an avalanche was triggered as a result, and came rushing down towards his speeding position faster than the speed of sound. As the 80 feet tall and 5,000 feet wide wall of snow struck into his small body, as an additional impossible feat of magic, he was lifted atop the roaring avalanche, to which he then began snowboarding straight up towards the mountain peak.

Since the opposing force of the avalanche was pushing against him in the other direction, this of course increased his forward speed even further, until the front portion of his snowboard was tilted back through the air. Contra followed the momentum of the roaring snow beneath him, and began rapidly spinning his body clockwise to pick up speed even further.

"Yeeeeeah!" said Contra, executing a backward tilted 3,600,000° spin in 3 seconds {10,000 rotations}. As he continued spinning even faster, breaking even more laws of physics, he was lifted higher and higher into the air until his clearly impossible actions shattered the fabric of reality.

A second later...

As he opened his eyes, he was laying on a grassy field that appeared to be filled with ten trillion white colored suburban houses. Contra quickly hopped to his feet, and rushed towards a nearby house that had a strange creature waving towards him while seated onto a lawn chair. Upon closer inspection, the creature turned out to be a white tiger holding a piece of cheddar cheese inside its left paw.

"Everything okay, Contra?" asked the tiger as he approached it. After hearing the tiger call him by his name, he instantly recognized who it was, and stopped abruptly behind the white picket fence.

"It can't be! You're one of the Ten Trillion Tigers!? Why the hell are you guys in heaven!?" asked Contra with a dumbfounded look.

"Why wouldn't we be here? You killed us in the first story!" said Tiger, placing the piece of cheese inside its powerful-looking jaws.

"Where's Max!?" asked Contra, looking around the area to scan his surroundings. All he saw were other tigers walking the streets.

"Well... this is animal heaven," Tiger casually explained to him.

"Dammit! You mean I sacrificed all of existence for nothing!?"
Chapter 6

Grave Encounters

After saving Max from the correct heaven off camera, Contra made the decision to join the ranks of the young cadets located next door to his castle. Since he was still short on cash after his failed security job earlier, he decided to use his infinite knowledge to become an instructor for all the new recruits. They were all standing inside a large hangar used to house hundreds of armed 777 feet tall humanoid robots, and the fresh batch of 24 students were eagerly awaiting his next word.

"I'm glad you could all make it here this evening," said Contra, looking back and forth between the cadets dressed in blue uniforms. After locking eyes with an annoying teenager standing in front of him, he decided to increase the severity of his words. "Because later tonight, you are ALL going to die!" At his outburst, several of the young cadets began nervously shaking about, until the annoying teenager standing in front of him spoke out to calm their nerves.

"He's lying... only the rest of you will die, I am the chosen one."

"And who might you be?" asked Contra with a raised eyebrow.

"Calm Serenity," the young man answered with a simple shrug.

"Who the hell named you?" asked Contra with a frustrated look.

"I never liked my given name, so I changed it when I turned 14 last week," Calm explained to him.

After having his brief discussion with the cadets, Contra turned around to face the large machines lined up behind him, and admired how they all had vastly unnecessary parts. Some had ribbons tied around their chests, others had random spikes poking out all over the place, while others had a total of two engines attached to their lower feet to somehow grant them excellent flying maneuvers. To control these behemoths, a mansion is placed inside the oversized cockpit, and a large red sofa is set up inside the living room. After sitting on the sofa, the pilots can see what is happening on the outside of the machine by watching the large flat screen television, or by pressing the single button attached to the right arm of the sofa.

This single button controls the complicated flying maneuvers of the large machine, as well as everything else in between.

2 years later...

After watching the last of the cadets fail miserably in their training, Contra decided that it was time to introduce them to real combat. As such, they had all flown their massive robots to a nearby battlefield, and had already lost 5 out of the 12 remaining cadets.

"Captain! We can't take much more of this!" said the desperate cadet with no name.

"Yes you can! Keep pushing!" said Contra, watching the battle take place from the safety of his castle. As he looked on with a feeling of bliss, the cadets were being mercilessly destroyed by the city-sized demons rampaging across the moon. Some of them managed to fire the large beam rifles attached to their machine's head, but it wasn't enough to stop the invincible threat.

"Captain!" said Calm Serenity over the television.

"What now!?" asked Contra, placing on the warlord costume he just bought a second ago off camera.

"I can't take much more of this... my youthful inexperience is starting to show!" said the desperate teenager.

"Well..." said Contra, taking a sip of tea while lying peacefully across the large sofa. "You should have left the fighting to the real adults. You know, people who actually trained properly before entering battle."

"Please! Help us fight using your adult muscles!"

"No! I am the leader here... it is your duty to sacrifice yourself for the greater good, not me! Think, man! Didn't Max teach you that in the academy?"

"No way!" the unnamed cadet began saying. "Are you saying we can't win because we're too young to fight properly!?"

"In what world does an infant defeat a fully grown man in a real fight?" asked Contra, leaning over the side of the dividing ropes. The unnamed cadet was losing the 4th boxing round badly, and it was clear he needed to be pulled out as soon as possible. "Keep fighting kid, you can still win!"

"Thanks, coach! I'll try!" said the young cadet, rushing back in the middle of the ring to fight the adult soldier. As the cadet rushed towards the soldier with his arms opened up in a hugging position, the powerful adult man rushed forward, and sent a right uppercut slamming into the cadet's stomach. The small teenager doubled over with pain, and his body grew increasingly red until he faded away from existence.

"Noooo! The random cadet that no one cared about just died in battle!" said Contra, quickly removing his warlord costume to enter the ring. After disrobing, he carefully stepped into the warm water that filled the bathtub, and pulled out his lit cigar before fully submerging himself beneath the water. Since the cigar was lit using the heat of the sun, not even being submerged in water was enough to put it out. Just when he began receiving a good soak, he heard the sounds of women screaming across the other side of the beach.

He quickly swam up to the surface, and looked to his right to see what the source of commotion was all about.

It was an extremely handsome man, who appeared to be surrounded by equally attractive-looking females, and one fat one to make the other women look better. Since he wanted to hear what they were talking about, he teleported behind the crowd of females, and began taking videos of their lower bodies for his personal collection.

"Excellent! I just found the best booty in the world!" said Contra, hauling the treasure chest from beneath the sand. After opening it, he was greeted by thousands of gold coins in the color of silver coins.

"Is this the great lost treasure?" asked Hideko, looking at the gold with his hungry homeless eyes.

"Yes... but don't eat any of it, you remember what happened last time," Contra warned him. As expected, the bandits rushed onto the pirate ship just as they hauled it on board, and a thin-looking man rushed for Contra with his knife drawn.

"I am the fastest bandit ever! I can dodge bullets by vibrating my body faster than the speed of light!" said the naked man, stopping directly in front of Contra. In response, he quickly drew his cutlass from his right side, and stabbed it into the man's chest. Just like the man claimed, he was able to somehow avoid the physical piece of metal simply by jiggling his fat naked body in place.

"What kind of sorcery is this!?" asked Contra, backing away with fear. As the fat man continued to jiggle his body, he eventually fell straight through the floor. Since he was able to avoid the cutlass earlier, it only made sense for him to fall through the roof of the wooden building as well. After dealing with the last of the pirates, Contra rushed to the edge of the 700-story tall building, and looked at the burning city below.

"Are we too late to save them?" asked Hideko, looking across the city with tearful homeless eyes.

"No... there's still a chance!" said Contra, removing the volcano from his back pocket. He then tossed the 1-mile-wide by 2 miles high volcano off the side of the building, and watched as it landed atop the flooded city. "Hideko... use this chance to become a hero!"

"You mean... I can use my special technique to save everyone in the city?" asked the homeless man, staring wide-eyed at the large volcano. It was truly the stuff dreams were made of.

"Yes..." said Contra, turning to walk away. "Use your volcano powers to make that one over there erupt. The lava will merge with the water below, and rebuild the city."

"But there are so many enemies still killing each other down there," Hideko pointed out. "How will I get the precious second needed to use my technique?"

"I will sacrifice their lives... it's the least I can do," said Contra, teleporting to the base of the volcano. After arriving at the source of destruction, he was greeted by a mysterious man who popped into existence directly in front of him. The man wore a black robe, and looked as if he had travelled a great distance to find this place.

"Do you know who I am?" asked the mysterious man.

"Yes..." said Contra, standing steadily atop the molten ground of the city. The molten surface burned everything in sight, and dark smoke hung a hundred feet in the air across the entire city, as if it was being held in place by an unknown area of science. "You are the man who saved me that fateful day... you are Samuel Graves."

"Correct," said the man, removing the hood from his head. The man seemed to be middle-aged, and his burning eyes matched the color of his flaming hands. There was a microscopic mole under his right eye, which was expertly used to hide his secret identity. "My flaming eyes shows me the truth of your existence... you are a noble demon of destruction that needs to be erased from this world!"

"You villain! First you save me from that speeding train, now you wish to engage me in fisticuffs!?" Contra screamed out with fury.

"Before we begin our poorly choreographed fighting sequence that would obviously never work in the real world, I shall tell you all of my villainous plans!" said Samuel, growing dozens of elongated teeth outside his scalp. Somehow, the man used hair growing magic to grow teeth-hair!

"Noooo! We don't have any time to waste talking... we need to at least keep our bodies in motion to act like we're serious!" said Contra, ripping off his invisible shirt. After revealing his upper torso forged by the fires of his broken fridge, he equipped his Water Fist Gauntlets, and began bouncing back and forth across the frozen ground while maintaining his fighting stance. "Show me what you got!" In a surprise twist, Samuel began mimicking Contra's exact actions, and began breakdancing across the lava's surface.

"Can't you see what's happening!?" Samuel began asking him. "Contra, there are forces of nature out there stronger than even your weakest magic... I am the one person out of all humanity capable of stopping the destruction of the multiverse!"

"I defeated that sun dragon a long time ago... the multiverse was saved already!" Contra pointed out. Immediately after he spoke, he slid forward across the lava using his bare chest, until he eventually pushed off the lava using his face. As he began soaring upside down through the air, he rotated his body clockwise in spectacular fashion.

"Remarkable! What a meaningful acrobatic display!" said Samuel with awe. "But in order to save you inferior humans, I must destroy you all! I am the only one that cares about humanity's survival... no one else cares!" After saying his very emotional statement, Samuel repeatedly began doing full splits onto the molten ground; all while alternating to the left and right to give his technique a dramatic look. Contra landed onto the molten ground after he finished spinning through the air, and began gathering the energy of the cosmos inside his fists following a flash of white light.

"With such a disgusting show of ignorance..." Contra began saying. After ascending to his next level of power, his hair changed from orange to white, and his eyes started to glow with a shining white color as well. "It is clear to me that you are an emo villain!"

"Wrong!" said Samuel, getting back to his feet. He then ripped off his robes, and revealed his gold colored armor underneath it. "I am the supreme leader of the Blindly Loyal Emo Fanboys!"

"You're in league with the blindly loyal emo fanboys!? This can't be!" said Contra with a surprised look.

"Yes... and now that you have figured out my secret identity that my microscopic mole was supposed to hide, I cannot allow you to walk away from this fight!"

"You foolish villain! You expected to hide your secret identity behind such an obvious mask!?" While Contra was distracted talking to the supreme leader of the blindly loyal emo fanboys, a random fat dude walked up behind him from out of nowhere, and clubbed him over the back of his head using a +99 Spiked Metal Bat of Infinity. It was the only weapon within 2 yards capable of bringing him down with a single attack, and the fact that this man had possession of it... meant that he must have somehow acquired it from Hideko Volcano.

Several moments ago...

While waiting for Contra inside the middle of a moving tsunami speeding towards a random beach somewhere, Hideko was clubbed from behind by a random fat dude. After turning around his bleeding homeless face, he saw the fat dude releasing a wide smile, as if he had already won the fight before it started. The strange man wore blue jeans, a white t-shirt, and he had on a pair of white sneakers.

"Who are you...? And how did you get my bat!?" asked Hideko, inhaling the fresh water that surrounded his body. The man quickly disappeared from sight, and again tried clubbing him from behind in the same fashion. Thinking fast, Hideko used his Lots of Clothes technique to add an additional 40,000,000,000 layers of fabric to his body, which failed to stop the fat dude from piercing through it with the stolen spiked bat. The force of the powerful blow was so strong, that he was blasted out from the wall of speeding water, and flowed back through the air until his speeding body caused a tear in space.

After slamming into the roof of the wooden building, he quickly bounced back to his feet, and rushed to the edge of the structure only to see the tsunami from before crashing over the entire city. The wall of water instantly set fire to the areas it struck, and soon even the water itself was engulfed by the spread of flames.

"Impossible..." said Hideko with a look of disbelief. "That little girl is fighting against those sharks!" Just as he pointed out, a small girl was busy fending off a pack of hungry great white sharks while swimming through the flames below. "I must rescue her!"

"Forgetting someone?" asked a fat-sounding voice behind him. After quickly turning around, he instantly recognized the relatively normal-looking man. "You're the random fat dude who clubbed me from behind earlier!"

"That's right," said the fat dude, pointing forward with the club held inside his right hand.

"You won't get me this time!" said Hideko, rushing towards the powerful man. The man remained perfectly still, and almost seemed as if he didn't give a damn. After reaching his body, Hideko grabbed on to his fat stomach using both hands, to which he then began rapidly rotating his body clockwise. Both men spun faster and faster following each successful rotation, until the random fat dude circled around Hideko's homeless body faster than the speed of light.

A tornado comprised of black holes was formed during the attack, for this was Hideko's legendary attack, Homeless Black Hole Toss. As he pivoted around in place faster than light, the large black holes increased the pull of their gravity, until the fat dude had a piece of his white shirt ripped off by the incredible attack.

"My shirt!" said the angry man, brandishing the spiked bat from out of nowhere. In his frantic attempt to escape his deathtrap, the fat dude slammed his +99 Spiked Metal Bat of Infinity against the side of the black hole tornado. Hideko lost his grip of the man's stomach, and despite not being the person rapidly spinning around through the air, he was the one that got ejected by the force of the rapid rotation instead! He flew back through the air 800 times faster than the speed of light, until he slammed into the opposite side of the universe.

In only a matter of seconds... the random fat dude has defeated Hideko Volcano... the strongest homeless man in existence.

Moments later...

Contra slowly opened his eyes, and noticed his muscular hands were tied behind him against a wall. He was inside a dark prison cell.

"What... happened...?" he slowly asked aloud. As if to answer his question, Samuel popped into existence directly in front of him, along with a random fat dude that held a dangerous grin on his face. Somehow... Samuel's flaming eyeballs illuminated the prison cell.

"Since I clearly want you dead... Mr. Versus... I will foolishly give you the chance to survive!" said Samuel with an evil grin.
Chapter 7

World Tournament

*It's been 2,000 years since Contra was captured by the villainous Samuel Graves, and surprisingly... no one came to rescue him. With so much free time in his hands, he had decided long ago to live the prisoner's way of life, and trained his body night and day to prepare for the World Tournament scheduled to begin in 2,000 years. Today is the day of the tournament, and he felt as if he was as ready as he would ever be... both physically, and mentally. His body underwent colossal changes after so many years of strenuous training, so he now looked exactly the same as before he was captured.*

Currently, he was located inside waiting room A for the tournament participants, and was feeling a bit nervous after seeing his fellow competitors for the first time. The waiting room was the size of a football field, and there were thousands of warriors patiently seated inside their assigned chairs. Some of them were powerful demons from other universes, lords of chaos from other realms, and quite a few of them were humble superheroes with god-like strength and magical abilities. In other words, he was seriously outnumbered, and his chances of winning were slim to none.

If he failed to at least gain entry into the semi-finals of the World Tournament, he would be put to death by use of a lethal magical injection; one rumored to somehow have the effect of erasing the character from the current story. No matter what, he will need to somehow defy the incredible odds against him, and score a win for team Contra Versus: Army of One.

"This is it..." said Contra, looking at the thousands of gods sitting in their sofas. Some of them were busy showing off their powers by shrinking billions of universes, and then swallowing them whole in order to increase their already infinite power further. "These guys are freaks... what the hell am I doing here?" As if to further prove his previous statement, another one of the powerful gods summoned an exploding sun directly above the stadium-sized waiting room, and absorbed its energy directly inside a single skin cell on his body.

"Don't worry, Contra," said The Cheating Wizard, leaning back against his own large sofa to the left side of him. "I have a feeling we'll both make it to the last round."

"But what about Max... and Cindy?" asked Contra, standing up from his chair. "If they lose before they get to the semi-finals, then they'll be erased from the story for good!"

"Like I said, don't worry about it," The Cheating Wizard assured him. "These warriors of infinite strength might be strong, but they've never been in a fight against a cheating wizard like me before." After the wizard finished speaking, an announcement was broadcasted above the entire stadium-sized waiting room.

"Attention all participants of waiting room A, the tournament is about to start momentarily. When your names are called, you will be teleported to the designated battlefield, where you will do battle until the end of time if you have to- until the winner is determined."

After hearing the announcement, everyone inside the large open space began talking all at once.

"Well, good luck, you crazy wizard," said Contra, nodding his head towards The Cheating Wizard.

"Since we are all magical characters, I've already won," the wizard replied with a smug grin. Suddenly, another announcement was broadcasted throughout the waiting room.

"Attention. Contra Versus... Marvelous Brawler... please stand by to be teleported to the battlefield. And remember fighters, changing your assigned clothes in battle results in instant disqualification!"

Just like that, he was quickly selected to do battle against one of the overpowered gods of creation and destruction. Before he even got the chance to turn around and say farewell to The Cheating Wizard, he was quickly teleported to the unknown battlefield. Immediately after opening his eyes, he saw the vast desert land spread out before him, along with a being so massive, it blocked the sun's rays with its large back.

"The fuck is that?" asked Contra, staring wide-eyed at the strange being in front of him. It had the 400 feet tall figure of a muscular man, but its head was in the shape of a large fish. Without warning, it quickly lowered itself to its hands and knees, and a man jumped out from its opened jaw. As soon as the man exited its mouth, his muscular body began shining with a brilliant yellow light, and the size of his muscles seemed to be expanding with each step he took towards Contra.

"So you're my first victim?" asked the man with a deep voice. As per the other rules of the World Tournament, after being teleported to the battlefield, an opponent would be randomly selected to match the clothing of the other competitor. Luckily, it seems Contra's bare chest, black pants and shoes combo was selected this time around.

"Big talk... for such a small man," Contra countered. By the time Marvelous Brawler reached him, he had reached roughly 10 feet tall, and his godly muscles looked as if entire universes could be broken across them with no trouble. His hair was a deep black color, and his eyes were comprised of incredibly small black holes.

"Was that a joke?" asked the large man with a raised eyebrow.

"Hmm... you have no sense of humor? This will be easier than I thought!" said Contra, shifting into his fighting stance. He quickly gathered the energy of the cosmos inside his body using his energy gathering magic, and then channeled it all into his fists. The way he sees it... if he hoped to do damage to such a fearsome man, he will need to be 100% offensive.

"Good! Let's get started!" said Marvelous Brawler, throwing his arms out to his sides. He then stomped his powerful feet into the desert ground, which seemed to trigger a tidal wave of dirt to be sent into the sky from every end of the horizon. "I have just absorbed the power of 80 trillion universes inside my body... I am unstoppable!"

Immediately after the man spoke, Contra quickly dashed forward 700 trillion times faster than the speed of light, and rammed his shining fist into the man's powerful stomach. Marvelous Brawler used the energy of the attack to change the color of his hair from black to a shining white, and then countered Contra's failed strike with his own sweeping right hook. Since he saw the blow coming a mile away, Contra was unable to evade the slow-moving attack in time, and received the full force of the man's fist into his left side. He was quickly blasted off his feet with the force of 800 quadrillion exploding suns, and sped through the air 7,000 times faster than the speed of light.

After being punched into a dimension of darkness, Contra quickly bounced back to his feet, and used this time to check out his bodily damages. Incredibly, it seems the man's strike had torn a gaping hole in the side of his body. Using restore magic, he quickly recovered his wounds with a mere thought, just in time as Marvelous Brawler's fingers were seen ripping a hole in the dark dimension. The finger-sized holes grew increasingly wider as they were pulled apart, until the man poked his head through the opened rift in the dimension.

"I guess I used too much power on that one," said the large man, stepping through the opened hole in space. "Tell you what, why don't we power ourselves down a bit, and do battle like real men?"

"Damn... I hate to admit it, but you're too strong for me to defeat with my current strength..." said Contra, backing away with fear. He accepted the man's offer with a nod of his head, and then used his own godly powers to teleport them both to somewhere in America. They now wore black business suits, and were inside a small room filled with noisy people, along with an old man sporting a flowing white beard seated onto a gold throne.

"Where is this!?" asked Marvelous Brawler.

"You said you wanted to fight like real men, right?" asked Contra with an innocent tone. "This is known as a courtroom... a mystical place where money and buckets of lies are used to settle disputes!"

"No! I never wanted this!" Marvelous Brawler complained. "I wanted to settle our fight using my fists in deadly combat!"

"Too late!" said Contra, moving behind the witness stand. The noisy people then quieted down, and the judge smashed his golden gavel onto the diamond sounding block.

"The court is now in session!" said a powerful lord of chaos from the right side of the courtroom. "The Honorable Judge God will be watching over today's proceedings!"

"Wait!" Marvelous Brawler cried out. "Why did Contra take the witness stand!? And why am I the defendant!?"

"Order in the fucking court!" Judge God shouted through the air. He repeatedly smashed his gavel onto the diamond sounding block, until he shattered the fabric of reality with his infinite strength. He then used his legendary secret technique, Honorable Judge God of Destruction and Creation, to restore everything back to the way it was before he lost his temper. "Today's next case, Contra Versus Marvelous Brawler is ready to begin."

Since the court was now in session, Attorney Volcano popped into existence beside Marvelous Brawler, and was seen wearing his usual multi-layered clothing that smelled of bananas. Surprisingly, Prosecutor Cheating Wizard popped into existence in front of the judge's stand, and wore the same clothing he always wore.

"Witness, give your testimony," said God's booming voice.

"Okay, sir... this is what happened," Contra began saying with a pitiful voice. "That man over there, Marvelous Brawler, is the head of both the medical, and oil industries across the entire planet."

"Is this true?" asked God, turning to face the large man.

"Yes... but so what!?" the brawler answered with an angry voice. The jury gasped loudly at the same time, and began talking amongst themselves with hushed voices. "Shut up! The world needs medical supplies, and the world is still dependent on oil in the year 2013... I don't see the problem here!"

"I heard him talking one day, Your Honor... he said that he will instruct for every hospital to only treat diseases, not cure them even though we already have the technology to do it. And he even went as far to say that, well..." said Contra, turning his piercing gaze to the jury before he continued speaking. "Only patients with large sums of money will be able to buy the cure for otherwise incurable diseases! Millions of people have died because bastards like him refuse to cure easily curable diseases!" The jury gasped with horror after hearing his testimony, and again began talking amongst themselves with hushed voices.

"Defendant, you may now give your side of the story," said God.

"Thank you, Your Honor. I know you're all expecting me to say something like, only the rich and upper class should be allowed to afford expensive medical procedures, but I won't stoop to such a truthful level. I might be filthy stinkin' rich, but the rest of you can afford the barebones insurance needed to cover around 50% of the-"

"Objection!" shouted The Cheating Wizard. "The defendant is trying to defend his bullshit ideas!"

"What!? But it's our turn to defend our case!" said the homeless Attorney Volcano.

"Objection sustained," said the judge, slamming his gavel onto the sounding block.

"What the fuck!?" Marvelous Brawler screamed out.

"Such vulgar words are not allowed in this fucking court!" said the Honorable Judge God. "One more outburst like that, and you will lose this case!"

"Sorry, Your Honor..." the large man responded with his head hung low. After Judge God gave his warning, The Cheating Wizard walked up to the judge's stand, and slipped an envelope stuffed with hundred dollar bills into the old man's hands.

"Witness, due to recent financial events, you will be allowed to continue your testimony," said the smiling judge, counting the envelope packed with money next to his golden gavel.

"Okay, thank you," said Contra, clearing his throat before he began speaking. "I also heard them say something else... apparently, we've had the technological means decades ago to transfer from the dependency of oil, to other easily renewable means of fuel... but because the transition would cost them too much money, they would rather hold back all of humanity for several more decades, and suck the planet dry of its oil before moving on to something else they already have planned!"

"Marvelous Brawler, I would advise you to just say you're guilty of all charges!" Attorney Volcano quickly suggested.

"What kind of shitty attorney are you!? Why the hell would I say I'm guilty!?" the large man yelled out with fury.

"Your Honor!" said The Cheating Wizard, rushing to the front of the courtroom. "The defendant just blatantly admitted his guilt in the courtroom, and I have the evidence to prove it!" After speaking, he pulled the tape recorder from his back pocket, and played a very loud sound clip of Marvelous Brawler saying, "I'M GUILTY!" In response, the judge slammed his gavel onto the sounding block, and declared the winner of Contra Versus Marvelous Brawler.

"Contra Versus... you are the winner of the semi-final match!" Immediately after the winner was announced, an intensely bright white colored light exploded inside the courtroom, and he was transported back to the center of the dark arena. Once there, the trillions of cheering fighters stood up from their seats, and began chanting Contra's name through the heavens. Marvelous Brawler was seen standing on his right knee in defeat, and had his large hands buried into the shadowy ground.

Both men were again shirtless, as it seemed they had returned back to the original rules of the World Tournament.

"This isn't over!" said the large man, struggling back to his feet. Contra had completely run out of magical energy at this point, since he had used it all to summon the unstoppable man to the courtroom dimension. In other words... he was fucked.

"Nooo! I'm all out of options!" said Contra, stepping back in fear. As he watched with horror, Marvelous Brawler began gathering the limitless energy of the shadow dimension inside his body, until he had increased tenfold in size. The large man then brought his fists to his sides, and an expanding wave of darkness swept across the arena.

"In my Marvelous Shadow Brawling Dimension, I am given the ability to increase my current strength tenfold... by each atom in all of existence throughout the multiverse!" the crazed man shouted with a look of insane fury.

"I'm outmatched!" said Contra, reaching inside his right pants pocket to pull out his cellphone. He proceeded to call his lost butler, Savage George, and gave him his desperate message. "Savage, send me your energy! It's the only way for me to win this hopeless fight!"

"Right away, sir!" said the happy butler. "I underwent extensive training off screen, and the strength of my tea has increased beyond infinity! I'll give you a single drop of my magical tea... that should be enough to empower you to win this fight!"

"Thanks!" said Contra, hanging up the phone. Savage quickly popped into existence beside him, just in time as the overpowered god began rushing towards them 800 septillion times faster than the speed of light. Suddenly, the M.S.B.D shattered like broken glass all around them, and returned them back to the center of the arena.

"What happened!?" asked Contra with a confused look.

"I lost..." said Cindy, showing up from out of nowhere.

"Then who won!?" asked Marvelous Brawler. As if to answer his question, another broadcast was made throughout the dark arena.

"And the winner is... The Cheating Wizard! With a flawless victory over Cindy Dawson, and everyone else he didn't fight against!"

"Apparently, we ALL got disqualified after we changed our clothes," Cindy explained with a heavy sigh. "It's against the rules."

"That's bullshit! No one told us that!" Contra complained.

"The announcement was made," said Max, appearing out of thin air. "But The Cheating Wizard used his cheating magic, and made us all go deaf while the message was being broadcasted." Just like that, each godly competitor lost the tournament to The Cheating Wizard.
Chapter 8

Absolutely Flawless Perfection

Life returned back to normal after everyone lost the tournament, and Savage George immediately got back to his regular duties. He was currently located inside the convenient shopping mall placed near the outside of their diamond-ice cream castle, and was making his way up an extremely long escalator. While slowing moving up the long automatic stairs, a woman with a relatively short blue dress passed by him. After slipping on a random banana peel, she fell flat on her face, and being the gentleman he was, he dove headfirst off the escalator to avoid seeing her green and black striped silk panties.

There was also a thin black lace trim that surrounded the outside of it, but he paid no attention to it because he was such a refined gentleman... and he definitely never noticed the small wet spo-

"Oh noooooo!" said the clearly not perverted gentleman as he fell through the murky swamp water. After crashing into the bottom of the empty cave, he activated the special light fixed into his magical teacup, and began traversing the dark cavern in hopes of finding the lost treasure he had been searching for.

"Savage...?" asked Max suddenly, pulling on the back of his uniform. "I don't think this was a good idea..." As expected, Max wore his blue jeans, white shirt and white sneakers.

"This is the only way, Max..." Savage began saying with a grim tone. "If we don't find the knife murderer soon, how will we prove Contra's innocence?"

"You're right. Hey, who's that weird man?" asked Max, pointing towards the cave's exit. At the entrance of the snowy cave, was what appeared to be a man wearing a long black cloak. Even without seeing the man's face, Savage knew exactly who he was.

"It's the knife murderer... El Carnicero! Max, get ready to fight him without reason!" Savage instructed with a wave of his left hand. Max quickly equipped his G.O.D armor, and brought his sword in front of him in response. Surprisingly, El Carnicero dashed out the front of the large building, and began rushing through the crowded streets of Hood City.

"We got ourselves a chase!" said Max, rushing forward through the door of the building. Being the gentleman he was, Savage used repair magic by directing his smile towards the door, and then calmly opened it before exploding forward through the air 20 times faster than the speed of light. He quickly caught up to max using his impressive speed, and then slowed to a speed of 3 mph as he began walking to the left side of his armored friend.

"Why are we walking?" Savage asked with a raised eyebrow.

"The bastard used walk magic... if we don't move at his current speed, the entire universe will explode," said Max, referring to the butcher walking 2 feet in front of him.

"That's right, amigos!" said El Carnicero with an evil grin. "The first one to reach the library... will find the location of Flawless!"

"You're on!" said Savage, putting on his spiked running shoes. Max followed suit, and placed on his blue colored tracksuit as well. As soon as both men were ready to race, El Carnicero removed his black cloak, and revealed the billions of butcher knives that made up the outer section of his body.

"Let's race!" said the crazy butcher. Immediately after he spoke, he used fuck-out-the-way magic to part the sea of people, and then began walking at a very brisk pace.

Savage and Max followed his pace directly behind him, and could only watch and wait as the 600-story library came in plain sight roughly 1,000,000 miles away.

"Dammit, he's almost there!" said Savage, noticing that they had suddenly walked 999,999 miles in under a second. To solidify his victory, El Carnicero pulled a refrigerator out from his back knife pocket, and threw it towards both men. Savage leaped into the air to avoid it, while Max, being the badass he is, allowed it to smash into his armored body. Little did Max know however, but the fridge had the weight of a billion neutron stars.

He was quickly blasted back through the air, and the force carried him through the entire universe until he crashed through the edge of deep space, placing him inside the Anti-magic Zone of Reality. Just like that, Max was defeated by the fearsome El Carnicero.

"Maaaaax!" Savage cried out with a worried look.

"You're next, Savage George! Hyahahahaha!" said El Carnicero with a twisted laugh. Somehow, it seems the crazy butcher knew his name! Could it be... that he read the name tag on his chest? To get the answer to his burning question, he decided to break the rules, and entered into a slow jog to catch up to the briskly walking man.

In response, El Carnicero removed a sun-sized planet from his front knife pocket, and slammed it onto the top of Savage's head. Luckily, his teacup withstood the full force of the entire rocky mass, and it shattered into a blast of cool air all around him. He saw this as his perfect chance to launch his counterattack, so he used his refined gentleman magic, and threw a banana peel directly under the man's right foot. El Carnicero fell flat on his face in response, and his own knives stabbed into every section of his front; resulting in massive stab wounds to appear across the man's invincible body somehow.

"Dammit!" the angry butcher cried out with fury. "I am badly damaged... the only way to win is by using my ultimate desperation attack, Unlimited Knives of Universal Destruction!"

"NOOOO! DON'T DO IT!" Savage roared into the air. But it was far too late... the crazy butcher activated his final attack, and quickly jumped to the edge of space in under -500 seconds. Once there, he expanded his arms to his sides, and then exploded his body across the midnight sky.

As if night had swept across the morning sky, the atmosphere was blackened by the storm of approaching butcher knives, each with the force to carve a hole straight through the entire universe. They were each spaced half an inch apart, and moved 40 times the speed of a typical lightning strike in an empty vacuum. In other words, they would be impossible to evade under any circumstances. Still, since Savage needed to defy these odds, he conveniently mastered a new skill, just in time as the speeding knives reached a hundred feet in the sky above him.

"Yeah!" said the butler, slamming his fists together in front of him. "I'll use my legendary evasive skill, Savage Butler Shuffle!" As soon as he finished speaking, the muscles of his hands bulged even further, and he entered into a typical boxing stance. Once the billions of closely spaced knives reached his body, he slowly began swaying his body to the left and right to avoid the deadly projectiles.

After continuously dodging like this for 6 and a half seconds, the knives mysteriously disappeared following a flash of blinding white light. Savage had used every ounce of his energy to nimbly dodge the projectiles, so he collapsed onto his hands and knees due to his intense fatigue.

"SAVAGE!" El Carnicero's voice was heard thundering through the sky. "Fuck the world! Everyone needs to die with me!"

"Bring it on!" said Savage, panting heavily after he spoke. "You villainous emo bastard!" His courageous words were simply bullshit bravado however, since he was clearly winded.

Unlike the last time when the knives were aimed over a continent-sized area, this time the amount of knives increased tenfold, and now blanketed the entire planet in darkness. They then sped towards the doomed world slightly slower than 40 times the speed of light, and quickly passed through the lower atmosphere in under a second. Just when things looked hopeless, a shining savior showed up at the last second, and stood tall in front of Savage's collapsed body.

"You're... that random fat dude!" said Savage with a surprised look. The fat dude wore the same white shirt, blue jeans and white sneakers combo as before, and his +99 Spiked Metal Bat of Infinity seemed to be mysteriously glowing with a black aura.

"I'm just here to protect my investment," the fat dude said with a shrug of his shoulders. "Oh, and I got this spiked bat to +100 now, so its powers have increased beyond infinity." Immediately after he spoke, the random fat dude sprang into action, and sped through the sky towards the approaching storm of knives. In order to prevent the world from total destruction, he began using his spiked bat to smash into the knives that contained the power to destroy the universe so fast, that his body was seen at the same time across the entire world.

In other words, he was literally everywhere at once.

"What legendary technique is that!?" asked Savage, getting up to his feet to watch the fat dude in total awe. After smashing away at the exploding storm of falling knives for 6 and a half seconds, the fat dude quickly teleported back to the front of Savage, and reached out with his free left hand.

"You have it?" he asked with a wild look in his eyes.

"Yes," said Savage, reaching into his pants pocket. "Take it." He handed a small photograph to the random fat dude, who in turn removed a rather large book from his pants pocket, and used fusion magic to place the image onto the book's empty cover.

"At long last, the legendary book, "The World's Sexiest Girl" is now completed!" said the fat dude with a happy smile. "I'll send the funds to your account, thanks for the cover art, man." On the cover of the book, was the picture Savage had taken earlier of the woman on the escalator, who had willingly decided to bend herself over to reveal her green and black striped silk panties.

"Whew!" said Savage, wiping the sweat off his face. He tipped his teacup forward, and allowed the falling liquid to magically flow into his opened mouth. "Aaaahhh, delicious!" Now that he had saved the entire world from El Carnicero, Savage decided it was time to go back to the castle and rest for his next adventure.

Elsewhere...

Contra had been worried sick about Savage's sudden disappearance, and randomly travelled to Hood City in the hopes of finding him. However, after teleporting to the heart of the city, he was instantly greeted by the dastardly emo villain, Samuel Graves. Contra had been battling him off camera for the last few minutes, and the two were now in the final moments of their dramatic struggle.

"This can't be!" said Samuel, falling to his flaming hands in defeat. "You somehow defeated my legendary illusion technique, Flaming Maze that Causes Extreme Blindness!"

"You were doomed to fail the moment you used your technique," said Contra, removing the $5 sunglasses he just bought at the generic pharmacy across the street.

"If I am to lose here, I will use my emo magic to turn everyone into my deadly ninja assassins!" Samuel shouted with an evil grin. The man quickly jumped back to his feet, and raised his flaming fists into the air to unleash his next destructive technique. Following a series of random curse words, the man smothered the entire city with darkness, and changed the nearby crowds of onlookers into his deadly assassins. As soon as the millions of people had their outward appearances changed, the veil of darkness left the city as if it were sucked into the sky.

"Noooo! You made them all wear black burqas!" said Contra, slamming his Water Fist Gauntlets together in front of him. A series of godly shock waves were released from his fists in response, which caused the burqa-wearing people to explode into piles of ashes.

"Impossible! You defeated my army of invincible ninjas!"

"And you're next!" said Contra with an angry look.

"Not so fast!" said Samuel, suddenly digging down to the center of the world. His voice was then heard echoing through the ground, as if by magical means. "I will activate the Ritual of Destruction, and summon the all-powerful Flawless Predator to defeat you!"

"Nooooo- wait... who?" asked Contra with a dull look. Suddenly, the ground began trembling beneath him, until dark thunder clouds appeared out of thin air directly above the city. A large white colored portal then opened up to his left side, to which an enormous dark red carpet was rolled out. Hundreds of news reporters, cheering fans, and paparazzi then appeared out of thin air to surround the 100 feet long by 20 feet wide red carpet, along with a white colored stretch limo that drove through the shining portal.

As he began using his clearly not magical x-ray vision to see through the hundreds of cheering people, he watched as the limo came to a stop halfway down the red carpet, and then witnessed an extraordinarily sexy right foot step out from the partially opened rear door. The first thing that Contra noticed was that the person's leg seemed flawless... absolutely flawless!

"What... it can't be... no way!" Contra stammered, backing away with absolute fear. Of all things, an impossibly flawless man stepped out from the limo, and immediately proceeded to sway his flawless golden hair through the air for dramatic effect.

"Greetings humans!" said the man, smiling with his perfect teeth. He used his right hand to wave through the air towards the cheering fans, who all fainted as soon as they saw his flawless body up close. The absolutely flawless man wore nothing but a long loincloth to cover his waist, which only served to bare even more of his flawless body for all to see. "I know you're all very desperate to hear me say my perfect name, so I will! My flawless name is Flawless Predator!"

"No way!" said Contra, feeling the speed of his beating heart steadily increasing. "He's too beautiful!" The strength of the man's beauty was so great, that it made the cheering people next to him seem incredibly ugly. To fix this disturbing situation, Contra used his summoning magic to pull a large open sewage pipe from thin air, and positioned it above the flawless man.

He then activated the pipes magical powers, and released a river of toxic sludge from its tip. As the toxic sludge slammed into the ground, the surrounding people were quickly melted away by the staining force of its brown liquid alone, until only Flawless was seen standing next to the outline of his melted car. Not only was his white loincloth not stained by the disgusting magical sludge, but his silver colored eyes seemed even more beautiful than they ever did.

"Who did this!?" asked Flawless, looking around in confusion. Before the flawless man turned his flawless gaze on Contra, Samuel conveniently teleported back to the surface directly in front of him.

"It is I, Samuel Graves!" the emo villain declared himself.

"You stupid man! How dare you attempt to defile my body!" said Flawless, using his best effort to make his flawless face look angry.

"Yeah! This guy's a real asshole!" Contra added from afar. Just as it looked like Samuel was about to make his response, Flawless snapped his beautiful fingers, and erased the powerful emo villain from existence.

"You there," said Flawless, turning his attention to Contra. "Are you the one who used the Ritual of Destruction?"

"Yes. My team will be going up against some extremely powerful enemies soon... so I summoned you to help us fight against them."

"Then through the use of my miracle magic, I will assist you."

"Thanks," said Contra with a happy smile. "Let's head home!"

"Alright, but let me lure this little girl into the back of my van with some candy first," said Flawless, reaching his right hand out the opened back door of the van. A little girl materialized out of thin air, and walked towards the black colored van without a hint of worry. "Hey little girl, want some candy from a totally flawless stranger?"

"Hell yes!" answered the small girl with an enthusiastic look. She stepped inside the van filled with dark tinted windows, and the door was promptly closed behind her.

Moments later...

After aimlessly driving around Hood City for several hours, Flawless Predator finally decided to move in for the kill.

"It's gotten so late outside," he said with a worried look. "Little girl, why don't I bring you back home to your parents?"

"Heck yeah!" the girl answered with a happy smile. After taking her home to her parents, he bid farewell to the small girl, and used his miracle magic to teleport to Contra's diamond-ice cream castle.
Chapter 9

Final Fanboys

*As soon as the raging emo fanboys got word of the death of their supreme leader, they launched an immediate attack on Contra's old underground lava fortress. Unfortunately, since it was 60,000 miles beneath the planet, they had no idea how to break through the laws of physics in order to reach it.*

Currently, Contra was busy going over some annoying paperwork inside his bedroom. He wore his casual black business suit, paired with his new favorite pair of black colored yellow shoes.

"I should go on vacation..." said Contra, growing annoyed with the single sheet of paper. "I'm too rich to be doing any work!" Due to his drunken ramblings, he dashed outside his room door, and began skating across the vast ocean using his train shoes. These train shoes are a thousand miles long, gets 2 feet to the gallon, and were black in color to match the scorched sands below.

Since it was past midnight, he knew full well that the fanboys would be attempting to launch another missile strike. They must be stopped at all costs, for if the nuke strikes the surface of the great Oil Desert, the planet's atmosphere will be burned away in an instant.

"Those emo fanboys..." said Contra, skating furiously across the oily desert. "Just to hide the fact that they were wrong about their comic book hero, they are planning to destroy the entire galaxy!?"

"Contra!" Max yelled out suddenly behind him. "They're here!" True to his sidekick's words, several dozen fanboy demons were seen rushing along the left and right sides of Contra's train shoes, and were each over 200 feet tall. Not surprising, since they were about to launch their final attack, they wore their legendary and heavily branded Advertising Armor, which is said to each contain the power to summon an exploding multiverse, and anything else they can think of at the time.

"Dammit! We're surrounded!" Contra pointed out. "Cindy! Take the wheel!" He quickly got up from his seat so she could take over the shoe controls, and teleported to the center of the speeding trains to see the rushing group of emo fanboys for himself. As much as he looked, however, the only people he saw were a bunch of gigantic faggots wearing skin-tight latex armor.

In response to such a disgusting display, he challenged their views of the world using a sophisticated question.

"Fanboys!" Contra shouted out through the air. "Answer me this: Why are you all so fucking brainless!?" They turned their disgusting faces to see him in response, and began squealing like dying pigs while saying their responses.

"We have brains! We are all different! It is you who are stupid to not worship the ones we worship!"

"My God!" said Contra, holding on to the top of his head. "It's even worse than I thought!" Since they clearly believed they were right and he was wrong, he decided to use his legendary technique, Diplomatic Dialogue Sequence to be a bit more understanding. "Okay, tell me something... what does it mean when the same heroes you worship so vigilantly have the same magical abilities as we do... but they aren't labeled as magic?"

"Wrong!" the group of fanboys squealed into the air. "The ones we worship doesn't use magic, they have special powers that can be scientifically explained!"

"Oh yeah!?" said Contra, stomping his feet into the air particles between the trains. "Then explain how I'm standing like this!"

"That's easy!" said the nearest fanboy, rushing closer towards Contra as he continued to speak. This one wore a skin-tight blue suit, and had a flowing red cape attached to his shoulders. "The scientific explanation is that you are above our ability to understand! And just because we don't know something, that doesn't make it impossible!"

"Fucking fanboy!" Contra shouted out with fury. "Why can't you learn to think for yourself? Understand that no matter how far into the future we are, some things are just fucking impossible!"

"Never!" said the fanboy, rushing away to rejoin his gigantic faggot friends. "If everyone thought the way you did, then there would be no technological progression! We need to have impossible goals set so we can at least meet the expectations halfway!"

"What the hell!?" asked the confused Contra. "You're wrong! It's not about setting impossible goals! It's about understanding the things we can, and can't do... only then will we have an idea what we can accomplish! You just tried pulling shit out of your ass in an attempt to make my previous question invalid!"

"Whatever! I'm still right and you're wrong... wahahaha!" said the fanboy, laughing like the disgusting pig it was.

"Argh! There's no reasoning with them!" said Contra, backing away with worry. He never planned on killing them all so soon, as he had hoped to enlighten them of their failures as living beings first.

"Contra!" said Cindy, shouting from the front of the train. "My legs are getting tired!"

"Max! Do it!" Contra instructed with a wave of his right hand.

Just as the approaching squadron of fanboy spaceships was nearly upon them, Max activated his sword's Big Black Buster Breaker attack, and tore a hole through space to summon an exploding sun. The coldness of the intense flames ignited the oil in deep space, and destroyed the entire universe as a result. Just like that, they not only defeated the fanboy demons, but saved the entire world without fail.

"Good work, Max!" said Contra, flashing his friend a right thumbs up. "You finally defeated someone important!"

"Yeah, I was waiting all year to do that!" said Max, bowing his head to the jungle ground. He now wore his shining G.O.D armor.

"Wait... where's Cindy?" asked Contra, looking all around the noisy jungle. Suddenly, a thunderous sound was heard speeding past his position on the other side of the thick trees, which could only mean one thing...

"The plane!" both men shouted out at the same time.

Speeding by on the back of the jumbo jet...

To stop the fleeing Victor Desgatos, Cindy took it upon herself to leap to the back of the speeding jumbo jet, and dug her tremendously powerful fingernails inside it to hang on for dear life.

"Heeeeelp!" she screamed out as the large plane suddenly picked up speed. As its flaming wings crashed through the 50 feet thick tree trunks, it quickly vaporized them from existence and left behind a flaming trail of destruction. The plane quickly climbed through the sky soon afterwards, until it had reached the speed needed to activate its scramjet engine. Following a titanic explosion that sent a spiral of twisting flames shooting out behind it, the engine was quickly turned on, and the jumbo jet began shooting through space at over 5 trillion miles per millisecond.

Due to its insane twisting motion, the entire universe seemed to be twisting around in circles as she continued holding on with her powerful fingernails.

"Enjoying the ride!?" asked Victor, shouting from the inside of the speeding sun. It was a good thing she wore her I.C.E armor, otherwise the inside of the freezing sun would have chilled her bones to ashes. Before she gave her dramatic answer, she used this chance to stand up to her feet, and then began observing his strange body.

Victor had already lost his left arm during the struggle against Cindy a moment ago, when she used her legendary technique, Absolutely Opposite Freezing. As the name implies, instead of absolute cold, she released a blast of infinite energy from the tip of her icy nipples, which quickly tore straight through the man's left arm that shielded him. With his black robe burned away by the heat of the sun, his other features were finally revealed before her. Features, such as his remaining brightly glowing right hand made up of metal, his bald head with a rainbow wig attached, along with his red and yellow colored legendary clown armor, rightfully named Joke's On You.

"I'm still not giving you my phone number!" said Cindy, rushing towards him with her frozen breasts bouncing all over the place.

"Well, the joke's on you!" said Victor, throwing his left arm out in front of him. "I never had a phone to begin with!" Using the last of his strength, he placed his arms above him, and chanted his final summoning spell. "With my last breath, I will activate my strongest magical spell yet... Ridiculously Famous Celebrity Singer!"

An oddly dressed female celebrity singer popped out of thin air, along with billions of screaming fans that surrounded her body while chanting her name. As she continued dashing towards Victor, Cindy had the sudden urge to use her legendary skill, Absolute Infinite Cosmic Ice Sneeze. The icy blast of air swept across Victor's body, and froze him solid in an instant before the sun's heat vaporized him to nothingness. All that remained after his body faded away, was his strange Joke's On You (aka J.O.Y) clown armor.

Even though the man's body had already faded from existence, his maniacal clown laughter was still heard cackling through the air for several seconds. In the end, although she defeated the powerful man... he still had the last laugh it would seem.

"Hey, baby!" said the celebrity singer suddenly. Cindy turned her attention to her rich presence at last, and nearly threw up in her mouth due to how ugly this woman looked. "Were you seriously ignoring me!? I'll have you know I've got over 400 trillion views on my personal website! And I have 4 billion Twitter followers!"

"With that ugly face?" asked Cindy with an appalled expression.

"This ugly face has 6 billion blindly loyal fans ready to fight you to the death!" the woman responded with a nasty look.

"No... this can't be!" said Cindy, backing away with fear. "We already destroyed the fanboys!"

"Fool!" said the rich celebrity, taking powerful steps towards her. With each step taken, the sun felt as if it was going to explode under her tremendous weight alone. "I control a power even stronger than blindly loyal fanboys... I control the brainless masses!" Could what this ugly woman was saying be true?

Did she truly control one of the most gullible sources of power in all of existence?

"Wait a minute!" said Cindy, snapping back to her senses. "You don't actually control the brainless masses... you're just another puppet!" She then looked towards the clear blue sky underneath the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean, causing the ugly celebrity singer to follow her gaze. "There, they are the rulers of the brainless masses!"

Cindy pointed towards a gathering of 6 ultra-rich men wearing black business suits, who all appeared to be terribly old and power hungry. The men simply observed the quarrelling women from the sky, as if they were simply waiting to make their next move.

"Bullshit!" the ugly celebrity shouted out with fury. "Unlike the other foolish singers, I willingly signed their contract! How else do you think I got famous so fast, when no one had even heard about me until recently!?"

"Puppet bitch..." Cindy whispered under her breath. "This is a battle of power, not numbers! I'll destroy you and your brainless army with my ultimate attack, Universal Energy Hair Absorption!" Right after she spoke, her platinum blonde hair quickly grew to the size of the universe, and smothered every living being that she accused of being a member of the B.M.A {Brainless Masses Army}. In other words, the rich celebrity, along with 90% of all living beings in the universe had their energy sucked right out of them, and deposited into Cindy's already invincible body.

After her attack was finished, she pulled her hair back inside her head, and returned her attention back to the gathering of ultra-rich men floating in the sky beneath the ocean. Surprisingly, they had all become younger in appearance, as they had suddenly revealed their true forms. With a snap of their fingers, the vast ocean was instantly evaporated by the sun beneath it, to which they then flew straight towards her at 666 million times faster than the speed of light. As they came to an abrupt halt in front of her, due to their insane speed, they shattered the area of space around them and formed a supermassive black hole.

The black hole was the size of billions of solar masses, and began tearing apart the surrounding space as if it was desperately trying to consume everything around it. Suddenly, the gathering of youthful rich men began laughing at once, and spoke at the same time.

"Much like this supermassive black hole, we are at the center of everything! We will consume everything! We will rule everything! We are the ones that-!" before they finished speaking, a sudden piece of crushed black pepper swept across Cindy's nose, causing her to release another Absolute Infinite Cosmic Ice Sneeze, which instantly froze the rich young men in place before they shattered against the force of the passing solar winds. The supermassive black hole was also frozen in an instant, and shattered to create an endless source of water for the hot sun. Considering that Cindy had recently defeated Victor Desgatos, the randomly famous rich celebrity singer, and the Big Business Demons, she decided it was time to ask Contra for a much needed pay raise. Before going back to the castle, though, she will go to sleep for a few days to make it seem she was hard at work.

On the other side of the universe...

As Flawless walked across a trail of stones on an asteroid belt, he had the sudden urge to look behind him. Just before he turned to face the other direction, a random fat dude came out of nowhere, and slammed his spiked bat into the back of his head. Due to his absolutely flawless body, the entire universe absorbed the force of the attack instead, and rotated a full 360° before crashing back in its original position. He then turned around completely unharmed, and observed the ugly opponent that now stood before him.

"I recognize your tactics," said Flawless, staring at the random fat dude with unimpressed eyes. "Your nickname is Dirty-cheater, the man with no real name who likes to club people from behind using his stolen weapon."

"I'm impressed someone finally figured it out," said Dirty-cheater with an impressed tone. "I was created by The Cheating Wizard on a simple whim, then he ordered me to screw with Contra's goons if they started to get the upper hand in a fight."

"I see..." said Flawless, folding his beautiful arms in front of his incredibly sexy body. "You must be one of the powerful enemies Contra said he summoned me here to defeat."

"Hah! Just try it!" said Dirty-cheater, raising his +100 Spiked Bat of Infinity above his head. "My powers are beyond infinity, nothing you do will stop me!"

"You're right..." said Flawless, raising his hands in front of him in a welcoming manner. "I can't stop you... but my weakest skill, Flawless Head Shake, can!" Right after he spoke, he began swaying his head slightly to the left and right repeatedly, which caused the entire universe to shift out of balance, and the distant stars to begin swaying with the motion of his flawless head. Due to their constant shifting motion, they collided with one another with grand flashes of light, causing the blackness of deep space to slowly become erased by a terrifyingly bright light.

"Noooooo!" shouted Dirty-cheater, extending his spiked bat to the size of infinity above his head in an ugly attempt to save himself. As his bat crashed into the circular wall of light speeding towards them, he was pushed back by its impressive weight, until he quickly slammed into the opposite side of the universe before disappearing.

Before the universe was destroyed around him, Flawless summoned a wormhole out of thin air, which scientifically opened a shortcut in space leading into Contra's bedroom fridge. He then quickly stepped through the opened fridge, which of course conveniently led him to an alternate reality inside Contra's room where everything happened to be perfectly fine. Although, in using the magical wormhole, he inadvertently opened the portal to the world of infinity... where the nightmarish Teddy Deemon, and a magical foe infinitely stronger than even the forces of absolute infinity awaited our magical heroes.
Chapter ∞

World of Infinity

531,800,861,807,734 years later

As a whole, humanity has evolved to the point of scientific insanity. Each living person is capable of creating entire universes on a simple whim, and visiting their vast dimensions with a simple thought. Such a fantastic miracle is due to humanity's greatest accomplishment that occurred only 5 seconds ago, when they mastered the control of their universe. Since then, countless souls have already created their own individual slices of infinite dimensions, and have travelled to them to begin ruling as the supreme gods.

Even to this day, they still can't begin to fathom the grand size of the infiniverse, but at the very least, they have now become a part of it as a collective whole. To support their overly needy and incredibly tremendous population, using their supreme knowledge, some of the remaining humans on planet Earth #776 used Creation-Science to collapse the entire surrounding solar system around them, and then proceeded to reshape and combine the destroyed space to form Earth #777 along with its own artificial sun. Since they had already created their own self-contained universe, it would last an eternity without the threat of collapsing in on itself, or expanding to the point where everything would simply cease to exist. As it happens, this period of scientific insanity is where the story begins... where a young man by the name Nexus Infinity, a 7,777,777 years old scientist will embark on his newest journey across the solar system-sized world.

Currently running across a vast open field...

To start off his nights, Nexus usually rushes across the 400,000,000 miles long stretch of grassland before he works up an appetite. Not that he needed to eat, but it was an old tradition the humans living on Earth #777 still cherished to this very day. Due to the massive size of their world, the artificial sun they created long ago was duplicated several dozen times, until the entire world could have its day or night times regulated by the people's choosing. Since Nexus happened to be a huge fan of the darkness, he opted to have his private region of the planet void of any natural sunlight.

Instead, in its place were the billions of dim-lit light fixtures set inside the metallic and rubbery ground he rushed across, which not only cast a soft glow across the expansive field of artificial flowers, but also served as a guiding light that showed him where the next destination stood before him. Currently, he was dressed inside the standard uniform worn on his planet, which included a pair of orange sunglasses, plasma-scale orange shoes, a metallic dark blue colored long coat, and a custom-designed bodysuit in the same color of his coat. His hair was long, wavy and orange, and his eyes were forever hidden away behind his sunglasses. Don't let his deceivingly normal clothing fool you, however, as each piece comes equipped with their own ridiculous levels of scientific insanity.

Since he was incredibly strong by his world's standards, he used the incredible fighting art known as magical science, paired with his infinite knowledge to do battle.

{In other words, he can use any magical device that comes to mind if the situation calls for it; all he would need to do is remove it from the infinity-pockets of his long coat, or simply bring it into existence long before the threat approached his body using reversed-physics. Additionally, since his outer skin was protected by the same plasma-scale that surrounded his shoes and clothing, he could dive face-first into an exploding universe and not give two shits if he felt like it}.

"What a beautiful night!" said Nexus, effortlessly rushing across the lush landscape at over 400 million miles per hour. A much faster method of transportation could be summoned from his pockets, but for the time being, he liked to enjoy the feel of the wind pushing back against his body. Even more than that, though, was the feeling of being alive he received when he ran about freely like this. Just as he was thinking of how lucky his fortune was, a sudden blast of light tore across the sky several miles ahead of him.

Being the curious scientist he was, he decided to halt his nightly run, and go investigate the point of impact where the bright object crashed down.

"Wonder what that could be?" he asked as he carefully made his way towards it. After reaching within a hundred feet of the burning impact site, he noticed a shocking discovery. "It's some random fat dude!" he cried out with shock. True to his words, a random fat dude wearing a white t-shirt, blue jeans and white sneakers was witnessed walking away from the point of impact.

Nexus halted his approach at this point, as the large man seemed to have locked his fat eyes in his direction.

"Hey, you over there..." said the fat dude, raising his spiked bat in his direction. "Where the hell am I?"

"You're in my backyard," Nexus answered with a shrug of his shoulders. He couldn't help but notice how strange the fat dude's clothing looked. "What world are you from? Or... what dimension?"

"Hmm, I see what's going on here," said the fat dude, taking off his bloodied shirt. His sagging stomach was revealed beneath it, along with the many battle scars he must have endured throughout his many battles. "I survived the destruction of that other universe I was fighting in, and got transported through time to defeat you!"

"Wait... what!?" asked Nexus with a confused look. He could sense it... this random fat dude meant serious business. "Fine! If it's a fight you want..." said Nexus, removing his Water-Flame Sword of Infinity from his right coat pocket. "Then it's a fight you'll lose!"

Immediately after he spoke, a powerful gust of wind began rushing out from behind the random fat dude. The wind swept away the flowers in the nearby vicinity, and then began circling around the man's hefty body as if by advanced scientific means.

"I have surpassed infinity! I have surpassed the end of time!" said the fat dude, rushing straight towards him with his spiked weapon held to his left side. "I can't lose!"

"Really? Then try a taste of my magical science!" shouted Nexus, stepping back while slicing his sword through the air from left to right. He cut open a line of white light straight through the fabric of space, and then watched as the fat dude rushed towards it without a care in the world.

"This is nothing!" shouted the large man, bashing his spiked club into the tear in space. The force of his powerful attack destroyed the fabric of space, and shattered reality all around them. Nexus was still very much alive, however, and dashed through the emptiness of the dark void to engage the fat dude in close ranged combat.

"You fucking maniac!" shouted Nexus, slashing his water-flame sword across the fat dude's spotless shirt. "You killed them! You destroyed it all using your magical weapon!"

"My shirt!" said the fat dude in return, slashing away at Nexus' chest using the edge of his spiked bat. After taking the blow without flinching, Nexus slipped behind the random fat dude, and attempted to backstab him. Suddenly, the fat dude vanished from immediate sight, and reappeared directly behind Nexus. A powerful blow was dealt to the back of his head, causing him to momentarily black out as he began tearing forward through the dark void.

"What the-!?" asked the damaged scientist with a pained voice.

"Hahaha! Dumbass... no one backstabs me! That's my job!" said the fat dude, using impossible magic to teleport directly in front of Nexus' path. Another powerful blow was sent crashing into his face, but luckily his plasma-scale was able to deflect most of the crushing force before the shock wave passed through its armor. Since his last attack failed to stop the random fat dude, Nexus decided to try a new scientific approach to do battle. Using his magical science, he pulled a wormhole out from his infinite pockets, and slapped it across the empty void to create a shortcut through space.

He then flew his way through it using the micro engines attached to his outer clothing, and appeared directly above a raging ocean.

{The powerful engines are attached to the outer fabric of his clothes, which enables him flight that will seem to an ordinary person as if he is flying without external support. There are trillions of these micro engines placed across his outer plasma-scale armor, which are all the size of an atom, and can each generate enough thrust force to move something even the size of the sun 50,000,000 miles per minute}.

He landed atop the water with a small splash, and began observing the area around him to get an idea of where he was.

{He is able to stand on the water using magical science. His shoes, and everything else coated by the plasma-scale armor can emit small vibrations around them, which changes the molecular properties of the objects they come in contact with. In other words, while standing above the water's surface, to him he is standing atop solid ground. Of course, if he needs to get beneath the water, his armor will turn off its extra feature, and conveniently enable him to go for a swim}.

As much as he looked, all he saw was the endless ocean stretching out in every direction.

"I know this place..." said Nexus with a knowing look. Using his infinite knowledge, he was able to determine that he had travelled back in time, moments before the legendary heroes of legend faced off against the evil Teddy Deemon.

"You forgetting something?" asked a voice behind him suddenly. As Nexus turned around faster than the speed of light, he quickly spotted the random fat dude standing with a smug grin on his face.

"You... how did you travel through time!?" asked the surprised scientist. Doing such a thing without magical science should have been impossible!

"I used magic, that's how!" said the fat dude, raising his spiked bat in front of him. "En garde!" Since the strange man clearly meant business, Nexus used a random scientific device to stop time around his body alone, which did nothing but make himself seem as if he stopped moving. While confusing his enemy's senses like this, he looked over his water-flame sword to make sure everything was in proper working order.

"Hmm, the water blade is still intact, and the orange flames burn brightly inside it..." said Nexus, admiring his clearly not magical weapon. "Oh yeah! This will definitely tear him to shreds!" After he finished speaking, he deactivated the time-stop device using a simple thought, and then rushed towards the more than prepared fat dude. Since the large man saw his charge coming a mile away, he leapt back in fear, and began summersaulting backwards in the air in order to prepare for his ultimate attack, Fat Dude's K-Light Crusher.

"Survive this one, and you'll earn the right to face me in battle!" shouted the fat man as he suddenly stopped spinning back through the air. His fat body was suddenly surrounded by a pulsating white light, and it continued glowing brighter still, until it was far brighter than the glowing sun that suddenly appeared behind him above the water's surface.

"That's impossible!" shouted Nexus with a wild look. "If the concentration of light gets any brighter, spacetime will soon collapse around you... and in its place will be formed a-!"

"KUGELBLITZ!" roared the fat dude through the air, cutting Nexus off mid-sentence. Just as his infinite knowledge warned him beforehand, the fat dude's body erupted with light, until spacetime quickly collapsed around his shining body. A black hole emerged from the mass of concentrated light, and began sucking in the entire ocean along with the enormous sun located directly behind the fat dude's back. Nexus was eventually sucked off to its right side as well, as he had begun circling around its black mass in preparation to be savagely stretched out of existence.

"Someone, anyone... heeelp!" Nexus cried out as his body began to red shift out of existence. To conveniently answer his desperate cries for help, a random tear in space occurred directly in the center of the black hole, and out stepped the most beautiful creature Nexus had ever laid eyes on.

Exiting from the tear in space...

Flawless had been chasing after Dirty-cheater ever since he got word of his return, and arrived on the scene just in time to save the strange man wearing futuristic clothing.

"I arrived at the perfect moment to save you!" said the impossibly sexy man. "I am Flawless, and I'm here to save the day!"

"Please... hurry!" the futuristic man cried out with worry. Using his miracle magic, Flawless locked his eyes on the center of the black hole, and his flawless gaze instantly erased it from existence.

"It was a difficult technique, but I saved you," said Flawless, bowing towards the saved man.

"Hey, thanks!" the man responded with a happy grin. "But what about the fat dude standing behind you!?" Before the beautiful man was even given the chance to turn around, a sudden crushing blow was dealt to the back of his head. His golden hair was too flawless to get damaged, however, so instead the man's stolen +100 Spiked Bat of Infinity shattered in place instead.

"You'll pay for that!' said Dirty-cheater, summoning a brand new spiked bat out of thin air. To avenge the loss of his previous weapon, the fat dude flew high into the upper atmosphere in under -4,000,000 seconds, before using the magical energy inside his body to summon a roaring ocean above the sky. He then summoned a water spout that quickly began falling towards the planet's surface, before he crashed his attack aircraft into the edge of the swirling water in preparation for his next ultimate attack. While riding the front of the destroyed aircraft around the edge of the rotating water spout, he brandished a second spiked bat of infinity inside his left hand from out of thin air, to which he then began unleashing his deadly barrage of rotational strikes across the top of Flawless' head.

Due to the smell of the salty ocean above, Flawless was unable to effectively dodge the 5 billion attacks slamming across his perfect head, which meant that his hair was working overtime to soak in the bulk of the damage being dealt to him.

"No! He's trying to damage my flawless hair!" Flawless cried out with worry. "Such a thing is impossible for a person with such feeble strength, but it still demands my attention anyway!" Since he had his feet pinned against the ocean beneath him, Flawless decided it was finally time to unleash his legendary dodging technique... Flawless Dance!

"Dirty-cheater... it's time for me to put an end to your evil ways once and for all!" said Flawless as he began slightly leaning his body backwards. After leaning back about 90°, he raised his arms in front of his body, and then began waving his hands to the left and right to dodge the 5 billion bats swinging towards him. Even though he was literally being attacked from every direction, including from the very ocean beneath his feet, he effortlessly dodged the barrage of spiked bats with the aid of his flawless dancing maneuvers.

"I can help you with this scientific sword!" said Nexus, rushing to Flawless' aid with his sword reached out in front of him. The man eventually stopped dead in his tracks as he drew closer, and began sucking in the entire ocean on both sides into his water-flame sword. As the seconds ticked by, the vast bodies of water were completely drained, and the destroyed aircraft that Dirty-cheater once used to fight while standing upside down fell from the air at last. It exploded with a tremendous blast of fire as it struck the soft and soaking wet ocean ground, which also destroyed the remaining light particles in the air to bring about an unexpected night sky.

"Embrace perfection!" said Flawless with a sexy grin. Now that the night sky was summoned, it was time to activate the second stage of his ultimate dance. As the fat dude began crawling his way from the destroyed wreckage, Flawless used his miracle magic to absorb the energy of the shining stars in deep space inside his golden hair. This of course made his hair look as if someone placed an erupting sparkler inside it; however, each flaming ember was actually a tiny neutron star with the weight of the entire universe.

"What the heck is this!?" asked the fat dude with a horrified look.

"The 8th stage of my flawless technique: Infinite Flawless Fists!" Flawless answered with a thunderous voice. The ridiculously sexy man then channeled the mass of condensed stars around his flawless body, which made him look as if he held the entire universe across his delicious figure. Just as Dirty-cheater rose to his feet, Flawless rushed forward 60 trillion times faster than light to launch his deadly attack. "My miracle magic is also beyond infinity!"

Right after he spoke, Flawless began shooting out a deadly storm of punches across every molecule of the fat dude's body. With each passing millisecond, the amount of punches being thrown were equal to the amount of stars gathered from deep space, which meant that well over an infinite number of punches were relentlessly slamming across the fat dude's body. Not even the dirty cheater was strong enough to escape such an infinitely beautiful beating, so he resorted to the last thing villains much like him did in such moments.

"My body... is... changing!?" the fat dude pointed out. True to his words, the more punches that slammed into his body, was the more his physical body was being replaced by the sparkling neutron stars. This was all a part of Flawless' plan, as he realized the random fat dude could not be defeated by ordinary magical methods. Thus, to beat him, he will simply make the man something he is not...

"I will give you a beautiful DEATH!" Flawless screamed in the air with a vicious grin. Even with his twisted smile, he was still the most flawless man in all of existence.

"Pleeease! Help me, forgiving God!" Dirty-cheater began saying. Strangely enough, even though his body was entirely replaced by the sparkling stars at this point, his cry of forgiveness was loudly heard echoing across the night sky. "I will take this time to apologize for every bad thing I ever did, so please, spare my shirt!" Flawless took this time to halt his relentless strikes at last, and looked to the night sky to see the outline of the random fat dude sparkling brilliantly.

"You fought well, Dirty-cheater. That was a truly beautiful finish indeed," the flawless man whispered under his breath. At long last, the random fat dude was finally defeated by the sexy forces of good.

"In all my years..." Nexus began saying behind him. "That was an incredible performance!"

"I couldn't have done it without your help, uh..." said Flawless, turning around to face the futuristic man.

"Nexus! My name is Nexus Infinity!"

"Ah! Beautiful name!" Flawless answered with a wide grin. "Of course, it's nowhere as flawless as mine, but it's a start. You know what? Contra is holding the final battle meeting back at the castle... care to join us in the fight against Teddy Deemon, and anything else that stands in our way?"

"At first, I thought to go back to my own world... but your body is so flawless! I can't refuse your offer!" said Nexus, flashing him a left thumbs up in response.

"Good! On the way through my miracle portal that takes less than an instant to get us back to the castle, I'll give you the full details of everything that's happened in the story so far!"

"I have infinite knowledge, and even I would take more than an instant to explain everything that's happened!" Nexus pointed out.

"You may have infinite knowledge... but I am flawless!"

An instant later...

After passing through the portal, true to the flawless man's words, Nexus understood everything that happened in the story so far in that very instant. They exited through the shining portal several hundred feet above a stone castle, which seemed to be overlooking a large city on the near horizon. Using his expensive sunglasses, he was able to identify the gathering of badass beings at the very top of the stone structure. Something was clearly wrong with this picture, however, as the fabled diamond-ice cream castle was nowhere in sight.

Standing atop the bright and sunny stone castle below...

Contra was in the midst of going over his final battle plans against Teddy. But before that, he took a whopping 2 seconds out from his busy schedule, and used them to call his heroic friends to attend the important meeting. Since this was a formal gathering, they all wore the same type of clothing as Nexus did. The only exception was Hideko, who despite having the futuristic clothes still decided to stack multiple layers of it until it looked ridiculous.

"Max, Savage, Cindy, Hideko, Flawless, Nexus... we have all gathered here today to discuss some serious business," said Contra was a serious tone. As he looked at their eager faces, he couldn't help but feel annoyed that they all chose to wear their orange sunglasses. "Will you guys take those damn things off!? I can barely tell who I'm looking at!" Everyone but Nexus quickly removed their sunglasses in response, which prompted Contra to flash him a look of complete disappointment.

"Sorry, I can't take this thing off... I'd lose my secret identity," said Nexus with a shrug of his futuristic shoulders.

"I understand... no one must see your soulless eyes," said Contra with a knowing nod. "Anyway, let's get back to business." Just as he was about to begin his dramatic speech, a mysterious old man along with an organ pipe made of solid gold suddenly appeared out of thin air, and positioned themselves next to the edge of the castle wall by floating through the air. The old man quickly threw his hands above his head, and then slammed them down onto the pipe organ in order to begin playing a mystical-sounding holy hymn.

A pair of large black speakers then popped into existence on the left and right sides of the pipe organ, and began blasting out an extremely loud death metal instrumental tune to go along with the singing angelic voices.

"What the fuck is going on!?" asked Contra with a puzzled look.

"Over there!" said Max, pointing in the direction of the rising sun. "There's something wrong with the sky!"

"Finally...!" a loud and dark-sounding voice spoke through the air suddenly. Everyone turned their attention to a strange distortion that appeared in midair, which quickly became darker by the second. After a while, what looked like a pair of 20 feet in diameter black hands pierced their way through the air distortion, and then began pulling away to the left and right side to effectively tear it open. The sounds of the pipe organ and death metal increased at this point, as if signaling that the end was nigh.

Following a bellowing roar that seemed to tear apart the heavens, the unknown being's faceless head was pushed through the tear in space, and quickly began smiling with its terrifying black jaws.

"After fighting for so long..." the black being began saying with a dark voice. As it began pushing its body through the tear in space, its hands remained tucked behind its back, and it continued flowing forward through the air with its steady pose. Its large body was over 400 feet tall, roughly 80 feet wide at its midsection, and its continuously shifting mass of dark energy hair passed beyond its sharpened-looking shoulders. Since it had no genitals to speak of, it was of course completely naked.

"I've finally broken through! Now, I'm challenging ALL of you to a turn-based RPG battle!" Immediately after it finished speaking, its body erupted with a blast of dark energy, and then an aura of darkness was seen leaking out from every inch of its outer body. The aura of darkness quickly spread throughout the nearby vicinity, and soon even its own faceless head became completely covered by a mask of darkness. It then pulled its arms from behind it at last, and brought them in front of its body sideways as if holding on to a large object using both hands.

"Who are you!?" asked Contra, backing away with fear. "And what the hell are you doing!?"

"The name's Meta-Loh! In my dimension, I'm known as the god of death and metal!" it answered with a dark voice. "Hahahaa! What am I doing? I'm summoning my legendary Dark Energy Guitar!" Just as it said the words dark energy guitar, a guitar entirely made up of dark energy suddenly materialized inside its hands.

"Good luck, guys!" said Cindy's voice behind him. As he turned around to face her, she had already slipped inside the door leading to the stairs. "I left the food on the stove! If I don't get back in time, the dinner will be burned!"

"Dammit!" said Contra, checking his expensive watch. "She had another perfectly logical excuse to leave just before the battle starts!"

"Sir!" said Savage, rushing through the door leading to the stairs as well. "I forgot to unplug the bathtub downstairs!"

"Goddammit, Savage!" Contra yelled out with a raised right fist. However, the fast-moving butler had already vanished from sight. Since he was losing his teammates by the second, he decided to turn to his most loyal ones standing beside him. "Max, at least I know I can count on y- where the hell's Max!?"

"He was the first one to leave..." Nexus answered with a distant tone. "Contra... we're seriously fucked, aren't we?"

"What!? Of course not! We still have Flawless on our side!" said Contra, turning to his right to check if the flawless man still stood there. Thankfully, he and his sparkling hair were still standing firmly in place, however it seemed he had already ditched Nexus' futuristic clothing, and again donned his flawless loincloth.

"Psst, hey, I'm still here..." a homeless voice whispered behind Contra's back. "Want me to stay and help?"

"Oh! I totally forgot you were still standing there!" said Contra, turning around to face him. "You crazy son of a bitch, thanks! You can stay in the back row, and jump in if any of us needs help."

"Got it!" said Hideko, leaping back through the air before landing onto the stone floor. "I'm ready!"

"About fucking time!" Meta-Loh roared through the air. "So you four accepted my challenge? Good! We'll use the rules of the DMGs to fight!"

"What's that?" asked Contra, tearing off Nexus' vastly stronger armor to reveal his bare chest and black pants.

"You will each get a single turn to do damage to me. If you fail, you're fucked, because then it will be MY turn to attack!"

"We got this shit!" said Contra with his raised right fist. With Nexus standing to his left, Flawless standing to his right, and Hideko waiting behind him to play support, they were as ready as they will ever be to begin their deadliest struggle yet.

Right at the start, their dimension shattered as if it were made up of glass, and then they were transported to the RPG shadow realm to do battle against Meta-Loh. Contra began bouncing back and forth in his attack stance, Nexus shifted to the left and right repeatedly with his water-flame sword drawn, and Flawless simply remained in the exact same flawless stance as before. Hideko, being the cowardly homeless man he was, was trembling in place due to his intense fear.

"My plasma-scale shoes adds +80,000% to my speed, so I'm up first!" said Nexus with a confident smile. "We only get one attack, right? So I'll use my strongest legendary weapon... Infinite Mass Destroying Black Hole Sword of Quadra Infinity!" Nexus quickly returned his water-flame sword inside his right coat pocket, and then removed a teleporting device from within to activate his legendary attack. The clearly not magical scientific device transported them to the opposite side of the universe, which was when Nexus pulled out his sun-sized black hole sword from his coat's right infinity pocket.

"This is for all the dirt, stone, water, and innocent air molecules that were destroyed during your evil attack!" Nexus shouted through space as he flew towards the terrifying Death Metal God. He quickly slashed left to right across space using his gigantic 100 million miles long by 2 feet thick sword, and slammed it into the beings right side. It was quickly blasted to the left as a result, and he followed up his attack by teleporting back in time using an instant wormhole, to which he then used a right to left slash to cut into its left side. After delivering both successful attacks, surprising, the words no damage appeared in front of its body.

This only fueled his determination to deal damage to it however, for if he failed now... the entire universe would be destroyed!

"My attack is called quadra infinity for a reason, you bitch!" said Nexus, gathering the scientific energy inside his hands after seeing his failed attacks. He then infused the power of infinity throughout his entire body, and tore through space towards Meta-Loh 666,666 times faster than the speed of light. Using his infinite knowledge of basic battle tactics, he slashed into its left side once more to stagger its body, before he tossed his sword through its shadowy face to distract its nonexistent eyes. Even though the words no damage once again appeared in front of its body, he still had the rest of his attack to carry out before giving up.

As he arrived in front of its large chest, he kicked forward using a dropkick, and maintained his position in the empty vacuum of deep space as Meta-Loh was knocked back as fast as Nexus' previous speed. He then activated the micro engines attached to his clothing, and quadrupled his speed to quickly catch up to it once more before driving his legs into its waiting chest.

"Each kick contains the force of an entire exploding universe, and each time I kick you my speed is quadrupled, and so are the strength of my kicks!" Nexus randomly explained to the undamaged being. He repeated the same pattern of attack as before, and increased his speed before slamming into its chest using another dropkick.

"Hahahahaa! Bring it, bitch! This is metaaaal!" the crazed dark energy being shouted through space. To answer its challenge, he quickly increased his speed once more, and again slammed into its undamaged chest with the now increased strength of 5,318,008 exploding universes.

"I'll break the universe in half if I have to!" Nexus shouted back with a defiant tone. After renewing his determination, he decided to increase the ferocity of his scientific attacks even further.

Over the next 4 seconds, Nexus kicked into Meta-Loh's chest over 40 billion times while quadrupling his speed, until they eventually crashed through the edge of the universe, and entered into an expansive realm of absolute blackness. Immediately after they did, Meta-Loh broke free of Nexus' unrelenting strikes by using a sudden pulse of dark energy released from its body. Unfortunately, with his legendary attack interrupted, the futuristic man's turn was ended, and they were both teleported back to the battlefield in their original positions.

"Whaaaat!?" asked the surprised Nexus. "You mean after all that effort... I still did no damage!?" Even with his infinite knowledge, it simply didn't add up inside his scientific mind.

"Our organization doesn't work like those other bitch ass Gods! Just to APPLY for a position in our group, you have to survive the destruction of an entire universe first!"

"Well, all those kicks aside... my sword attacks should have done at least some damage... what the fu- oh noooo!" said Nexus, cutting himself off mid-sentence with a look of disappointment. "My infinite mass destroying black hole sword would have done serious damage, but you're a being of dark energy! Whoops... sorry guys... I guess I wasted my turn."

"What the hell do you mean whoops!?" asked Contra with an angry look. "Dammit! Who has the next turn!?"

"I do..." said Hideko's voice behind him.

'What!? Even you're faster than me in a turn-based RPG battle!?" Contra asked with a murderous stare.

"Well, yeah... that fat dude stole my spiked bat, so I don't have the additional weight of the universe slowing me down anymore," Hideko explained to him. "Anyway... it's too strong! We should just quit!" he shouted out with a pathetic voice. "I mean... it said it's in an organization, right? I'm freaking out just thinking how strong all the other members are!"

"Hahahahaa! The homeless man is right! We have over 90 trillion members and growing... and I'm number 666,666!"

"Hah! That means you're one of the weakest members!" Contra pointed out. Perhaps... there was a way to defeat this unstoppable being of dark energy after all.

"You're dead wrong! I'm number 666,666 on the list, but that's only because that was my number when I was added to the waiting list 500 septillion years ago! My power can easily be compared to those in the top 10!"

"Hideko!" said an old voice from high above the castle. As the men raised their heads to see where the voice came from, they all bore witness to a floating, and incredibly old Chinese man with a flowing white beard and mustache. He wore a white tuxedo, and had it paired with shining white shoes.

"Master!?" Hideko yelled out with surprise. "What are you doing here?" The idea of his master coming to such a dangerous location made no sense to him at all.

"I sensed you were lacking confidence, so I came back from the dead to give you an uplifting speech!" said the old man with a wave of his right hand.

"Thank you!" Hideko said with a large grin. "But make it fast, or else Meta-Loh will devour your soul!"

"Okay, listen carefully," his master began saying. "I clearly heard you mention before that you lost your spiked bat, and the weight of the universe is now lifted from your shoulders. Use this thought, and channel your freedom into what it truly is... infinite homeless energy with the power to burn the heavens!"

"Wow! I never saw it that way before!" Hideko admitted. "Ever since I lost my spiked bat... it's made my homeless energy increase tenfold!" After coming to such a shocking realization, his master faded from existence, and then the sounds of the death metal song playing in the background seemed to increase in volume.

"Who the heck was that!?" Contra shouted out suddenly.

"The man who will make me win this fight!" Hideko answered with a confident tone. He then jumped to the front of the row ahead of Contra, and stood tall as his long silver hair began flowing with the sudden passing wind. "No more screwing around..." said the homeless man, ripping off Nexus' much better armor to reveal his pathetic layers of cheap clothing. "I'll use my newest ultimate attack, Infinite Clothes Barrage of Homeless Annihilation to end this!"

Now that he had awakened his true homeless powers, his silver hair shot straight up in the air, and he raised his hands in front of him to begin the first stage of his attack.

Following a thunderous battle cry, he began shooting out a steady stream of dirty clothes one after another from the palm of his hands, each with the destructive force of an exploding galaxy. The clothes were packed so closely together, that they destroyed the surrounding physics in the air, and caused them to merge as if they were a laser beam. For a while, it looked as if the dirty clothes were continuously slamming into Meta-Loh's large body, however after taking a closer look, they were clearly being vaporized by the dark energy being continuously released from its body instead. To make matters worse, the words no effect appeared in front of its gigantic torso.

Still... he had come this far, fought so hard... if he gave up now, then the small boy he borrowed his clothes from would have given it to him for nothing!

"I know I can break through!" said Hideko with a look of pure determination. "Even if I have to destroy my body in the process... I'll never surrender to the likes of you!"

"Glad to hear it! 'Cause your shitty clothes won't get past my aura of dark energy!" Meta-Loh shouted out in response.

Hideko quickly ignited his hands in response, and began burning the beam of clothes as he shot them towards its body. While using the second stage of his ultimate attack, the heat from his hands doubles the current temperature of the clothes by the millisecond, and since they started out at a moderately hot 400 billion °F, he could only sustain such a barrage of heat for so long before losing his hands. He wished to release the beam of burning clothes until his last dying breath, but unfortunately, his body had other plans. After a period of 5 scorching seconds, he collapsed onto his knees, and then fell flat on his face onto the stone floor.

Even though the words no effect once again appeared in front of Meta-Loh's body after his courageous attack, his hair color changed to a bright white color due to his increased wisdom and fatigue.

"Hideko... your Japanese pride was brilliant..." said Contra with a somber tone. He used this chance to carry the courageous man to the back row, and then went back to take his place between his two remaining friends. "Flawless... it's now down to the two of us."

"Yeah..." Flawless answered with a serious tone. Flawless hasn't spoken a single word since the battle started, so Contra assumed the flawless man had been thinking about his first and only attack. "I've been watching the battle carefully, and it seems ordinary magical methods of fighting won't cut it."

"What attack did you have planned?" asked Contra with a raised eyebrow. The next attack next could very well determine their fates.

"Give it your best shot, little man! Nothing will harm these DMG muscles!" Meta-Loh pointed out with a smug tone.

"To defeat a being of dark energy..." Flawless began saying with a dangerous voice. He then shifted back, and entered into a strange fighting stance while extending his arms out to his sides. "One with powers that greatly surpasses the impassible...!" he continued to say with his beautiful voice. "I will summon the UNTHINKABLE!"

Immediately after he finished speaking, the gathering of densely packed neutron stars separated from his hair, and converged in front of his flawless body to form a familiar shape.

"Flawless, have you completely lost your fucking mind!?" asked Contra with a horrified look.

"He'll kill us all if you bring him back!" Nexus quickly added.

"I summon Dirty-cheater back to this dimension!" said Flawless with a commanding voice.

The gathering of small neutron stars in the shape of the random fat dude vanished from existence after Flawless spoke, and then the terrifyingly evil man instantly appeared directly above Meta-Loh's head with his spiked bat held firmly in place. In that same instant, the random fat dude tried clubbing the dark energy being in the back of its head, however in an act of impossibility, Meta-Loh leaned its head forward at the absolute last moment to allow the random fat dude to slip past it. As the words miss appeared in front of its large body, Dirty-cheater was subsequently banished from the battlefield.

"You crazy son of a bitch! That attack was totally freaking metaaaal!" Meta-Loh roared through the air.

"Hey! You're not supposed to dodge attacks!" Nexus pointed out.

"Bullshit! That would have done serious fucking damage!"

"Sorry guys... it looks like my turn's finished," said Flawless, getting back to his original standing position. "Contra... it's up to you, now. Remember what I hinted at before, and win this fight!"

"I understand!" said Contra, slamming his feet into the floor. To deal damage to, no... to defeat Meta-Loh, using ordinary magical attacks just won't cut it. He would need to think of an ultimate attack that surpassed even the boundaries of magic! "Let's do this!" Contra yelled out as he kicked straight up into the sky.

As if to show just how badass his next attack was going to be, the song playing in the background picked up its speed, and the sound of an angelic male chorus began chanting away to the base of the song.

After quickly passing through space, he increased his already godly speed to 888 quadrillion times the speed of light, until he eventually crashed through the borders of the current universe, and then quickly sped through the next one in under an instant. He continued to crash through multiple walls of physics like this as time passed, until he eventually found the object he was searching for.

"Now to activate my ultimate technique... Infinitely Expanding Contra Versus Bomb of Absolute Destruction!" Just as the name clearly implied, he had found a neutron star the size of 888 trillion galaxies, which was significantly smaller than the current universe it was found inside. Wasting no time at all, he equipped his Universe Gauntlets, and then flew towards the large star to grab hold of it. As soon as his hands came in contact with it, however, it exploded in front of his face, and began tearing away the fabric of space around the area following a blast of intense heat, light, and cosmic radiation.

"Meta-Loh! Let's see you fuck with MY style of magic!" Contra yelled out with absolute defiance. While being bombarded by the force of the exploding neutron star, he quickly flipped himself over, and grabbed hold of the expanding explosion using his bare hands. His Universe Gauntlets were already blasted away when the cosmic radiation made contact with them, so there was nothing else he could do. After grabbing hold of the explosion, he quickly turned off the gravity in the current universe, and began free falling through deep space 77 septillion times faster than the speed of light.

While holding on to the continuously expanding explosion above him, he looked as if he was getting ready to slam dunk a basketball. He continued falling like this for 10 seconds, until he finally arrived directly above the RPG battlefield back on Earth. By now, the star's explosion had ballooned several times beyond the size of the current universe, and if viewed from a person below, it would appear as if all of space had turned white, and was steadily falling towards them. Contra slammed the enormous explosion into Meta-Loh's waiting body, and watched as the dark being became completely consumed by it before the intense blast faded away.

Incredibly, or perhaps horrifically, as soon as Meta-Loh's body appeared back in plain sight after the explosion cleared away, the number 0 appeared in front of its body. As if sensing the dangerous chain of events that were about to take place, the music playing in the background slowed down, and a heavy base began picking up with a steady rhythm.

"Metaaaaal! Now THAT was a BRUTAL attack!" After the dark being congratulated Contra's failed efforts to damage it, the unthinkable happened. Following a blast of dark energy escaping its arms, the guitar held in its hands shattered like broken glass before fading away with a puff of smoke. "Sorry, little man! You would have done monster damage with your attack, but my Absolute Zero DMG Shield blocks the first attack that can do damage!"

"Figures... that thing's not just a guitar, huh?" asked Contra with a defeated look. He had truly given it his all, but in the end... there was just nothing he could do. After moving back to his position, he received congratulatory pats on his shoulders from both Nexus and Flawless. "Well, at least I learned a new method of using magic."

"It was a great effort," said Flawless with a nod of his head.

"Yeah, man, I think we all learned something during this fight," Nexus began saying. "To defeat beings like this, just pulling large numbers out of our asses isn't enough, or even the act of breaking physics with magical bullshit. We need to think big. Like, far beyond the universe big... and you were the only one who figured out how to master this new style of attack."

"It's been fun fighting alongside you guys..." said Contra with a grim tone. "Now, let's face the music... literally."

"Hahahaa! Damn right, bitches! It's MY turn to attack!" said Meta-Loh, increasing the speed of the death metal song even further. The male chorus had gone away while Contra and the others had their final discussion, but it returned as soon as the large being returned its hands back to their original position. Surprisingly, the dark energy being released from its body gathered in front of its arms, and then quickly materialized into another dark energy guitar. Following that, a sudden barrage of black colored lightning began striking around Meta-Loh's body, until they began striking directly into its body to fuel it with even more destructive power.

It began swaying its body to the left and right through the air as the lightning struck into it, and held the dark energy guitar down to its waist as if in preparation to begin tearing up some serious music. After doing this for several seconds, it strummed the guitar using its right hand, which triggered the bolts of lightning striking its body to dissipate at once, leaving behind a series of black sparks circulating around its entire body.

"Hahahaa! Fail to survive against THIS attack, and you'll prove you're not worth all the shit you've been talking! Don't count on surviving, though, since each shock wave will have the force of an exploding singularity!" said Meta-Loh with a dark voice. "Infinite G-Blaster Resonance!" While continuously swaying its head and body to the left and right, it began strumming the guitar's strings up and down using its bony right hand's fingers, until it started headbanging to the rhythm of the fast-paced music.

This triggered a shock wave consisting of dark energy to spread out in a circular direction from its guitar, to which it then shattered the surrounding RPG battle dimension, and brought all 5 of them to an entirely empty section of deep space. {Yes, ALL 5 of them; Hideko was still very much alive, he just happened to be lying face-first on the nonexistent ground while appearing completely unresponsive}. As Meta-Loh began strumming away at the guitar strings faster and faster, the dark energy shock waves that each contained the force of an exploding singularity violently slammed into each other, which effectively triggered a resonance effect to add even further crushing force to the expanding waves.

"THIS IS METAAAAL!" the frenzied Death Metal God roared through deep space.

Millions of shock waves were being released per second, and as they crashed into each other, entire universes were being formed within close proximity all around them. The millions of universes exploded in their faces one after another, and quickly expanded beyond them as if reality itself was slipping by. Since they were all within close proximity of one another, the expanding universes crashed into each other like individual ripples in a small pond, and bounced back in every direction to slam into their bodies. As they continuously broke apart in this way, they broke into even more cosmic ripples, which made the already beyond infinite number of universes increase even further.

Each time a new singularity was formed, and then broken apart by the surrounding ones, they became twice as strong as the last one in an attempt to break through the endless waves of energy. To an onlooker, it would seem as if entire universes were expanding all around the men's bodies, and then slamming into them continuously as if a cosmic tug of war was taking place. After being blasted back and forth from every direction in space like this for over 20 seconds, the numbers of exploding universes have surpassed several hundred billion. Following a heavy strum of its dark energy guitar, everything was blasted apart a final time in every direction, signaling the end of Meta-Loh's attack.

Just like that, they were brought back to the RPG battlefield in the blink of an eye, and between the previously standing men, all but Flawless had fallen onto their right hand and knees. The death metal music from before slowed down as well, and the male chorus singing in the background during its attack had also ceased.

"Hardcooore! You guys are seriously fucking Metaaaaal!" Meta-Loh congratulated them. Everyone was either too scientifically damaged, poor, outmuscled, or feeling absolutely flawless to answer it however. "Unlike those other BITCH ass heroes from other stories, you guys totally have what it takes to survive through the ages!" After it finished speaking, it jammed out a quick tune on its dark energy guitar while executing a windmill headbang, and then proceeded to fade back into the darkness from which it came.

With Meta-Loh gone, its remnant energy was lifted from the area as well, and the RPG battle was finished at last.

"See you guys later," said the old man, getting up to walk away from his golden pipe organ. After taking two steps, he vanished with a puff of black smoke, and his pipe organ disappeared in the same manner seconds after he left. Now... there was just one final enemy standing before them.

"Whoa!" said Contra, standing up to his damaged feet. "Now that was an awesome battle!"

"Forgetting someone?" asked a fat-sounding voice behind him.

"Dammit!" said Contra, turning around to face the man. "Why's the random fat dude still here!?"

"I didn't feel like leaving," the fat dude answered him with a shrug of his shoulders. As Contra locked eyes on him however, he noticed that the man seemed slightly different than when he was summoned a few moments ago.

Although he still had a fat gut, his forearms were significantly more muscular than they were before, and his shoulders were a bit broader as well. In addition to that, his clothes seemed incredibly clean, and a pair of white angel wings appeared out of thin air while Contra was busy describing him.

"The hell just happened!?" asked Contra with a bewildered look.

"Surprised? You should be!" the fat dude responded with an evil grin. "I prayed to God before I was destroyed, so I've returned with even more destructive powers! And a fresh new shirt!"

"What do you want from us!?" asked Nexus with an angry voice.

"I'm here to start a new magical game show I'd like to call F.D.C {Fat Dude Challenges}. I'm challenging you to a magical race!" said the fat dude, pointing with his left hand towards Contra.

"You're challenging me? Team Contra Versus: Army of One!?"

"Yes!" answered the fat dude with a booming voice. "The name's Dirty-cheater by the way, just to get that out of the way."

"Good luck!" shouted Hideko with his face still stuck to the floor.

"Have fun," said Flawless with a flawless wave of his right hand. After saying their goodbyes, Hideko used his homeless magic, while Flawless used his miracle magic to teleport back to the recreational area of the stone castle.

"For my racing partner..." Dirty-cheater began saying. "I'll use my Cheesy-Cheetah!" A cheetah made of cheddar cheese appeared out of thin air after he spoke, and the fat dude proceeded to leap onto its skinny back.

"Curses! I don't have anything that scrumptious to ride!" Contra yelled into the air. However, luck was in his favor this time around.

"I got this!" said Nexus, pulling out his futuristic cell phone from his infinity pockets. "In the future, we have apps for everything... so think hard before you choose your racing partner!" He then tossed his futuristic cell phone to Contra, and used a scientific teleporting device to warp back to the castle's recreational area.

"Alright..." said Contra, folding his arms in front of him in deep thought. "The joke was supposed to be I'd use his phone to summon another animal... but fuck that! I'm calling a futuristic battleship!" After quickly dialing a series of numbers, a large battleship fell from the sky, and crashed to the right side of Contra.

"A wooden ship?" asked Dirty-cheater with a dull expression.

"Hah! You'll see!" said Contra, leaping to the deck of the ship. He then moved to the very front, and stomped his powerful right foot up against the railing while placing his hands to his hips. "There's no way I'll lose while using this legendary Captain's Pose!"

"Really? Then explain why I'm already winning!" Dirty-cheater exclaimed aloud. While Contra was busy talking, he had already kicked into Cheesy-Cheetah's side, and begun rushing across the desert at over 300 mph.

"Dammit!" said Contra, pointing his right hand out in front of him. The wooden battleship quickly kicked into high gear, and began cruising across the sand dunes at a steady speed of 299 mph. "What the!? Why is it stuck at 299!?"

"Fool!" Dirty-cheater was heard shouting a hundred feet ahead of him. "Cheesy-Cheetah always moves a bit faster than the other racer, so it doesn't matter how hard you try... you'll never win!"

"In that case..." said Contra, locking his eyes on the running animal. "I'll use my ships secret technique!"

"What technique? It's just a wooden ship!"

"Wrong! Even though the ship is made of wood, the weapons are futuristic!" Contra explained with a huge grin. "Observe!"

While Dirty-cheater steadily pulled forward with Cheesy-Cheetah, Contra materialized a series of metal cannons across the ship out of thin air, and began firing away at the retreating duo. The cannonballs exploded with the force of a nuclear blast each time they struck their mark, and quickly reduced the scorching desert to a boundless ocean. Despite such an impressive bombardment, Cheesy-Cheetah appeared to be completely unharmed, and began moving even faster than it was before. Contra increased his ship's speed to 399 mph, and was still slowly losing ground on the cheating animal.

"Don't piss me off!" shouted Dirty-cheater, slowing down to allow Contra to catch up to him. As soon as he reached near, the fat dude swerved to his right side, and slammed his spiked bat into the ship's left side.

"Stop it! This is supposed to be a race!" said Contra, steering his ship to the right by aiming his extended right hand in that direction. The fat dude ignored his words however, and continued bashing his bat into the side of the battleship until he broke through its thick hull.

"We're taking this to the next level!" Dirty-cheater shouted out with fury. With its lower hull shattered by his attack, the battleship slowly began sinking beneath the water's surface. Little did anyone know, but the ship had so many futuristic weapons hidden inside its cargo bay, that it weighed more than the raging ocean they raced across. In other words, as the ship continuously sunk beneath the surface, so did the water begin rising up across the entire planet.

As time passed, the entire ocean was raised above the very top of the battleship, which meant that the race had been taken underwater.

A mid-sized living city suddenly popped into existence at the bottom of the ocean, and began chucking steel skyscrapers in their direction to impede their path. To avoid the soaring buildings, Dirty-cheater activated Cheesy-Cheetah's special technique, and tunneled through the building while leaving behind a cheesy residue on the section it passed through. Since Contra was in command of a large battleship, he simply crashed through the steel building using his ship's flimsy wooden frame. As the building broke into a thousand splintered pieces, the attacking city below began throwing massive city blocks while dashing forward with its gigantic feet.

Not even Cheesy-Cheetah was able to evade the 50-mile-wide city block that soared towards it, so it decided to release a powerful cheese beam from its mouth instead to destroy the ocean floor. With the floor destroyed, the mid-sized living city fell over its own two feet, and began fading away from existence.

"Fucking shitty dicks! I almost had you guys!" the city cried out with fury. After saying its last words, it was eaten by an enormous living volcano that appeared beneath it.

"What the fuck is happening!?" Dirty-cheater asked aloud.

"Huh!? I thought you were doing it!" Contra shouted out through the water. After turning its attention to them, the living volcano released a powerful wall of fire in their direction. The wall of fire was as wide as the entire ocean itself, but oddly enough it was not being ousted by the flames... as if by some mystical phenomenon.

"Farewell... Cheesy-Cheetah!" said the fat dude, jumping off its back. As Contra watched with horror, the once proud and majestic animal crashed into the wall of flames, and turned it into a solid wall of unbreakable metal.

"Abandon ship!" said Contra, instructing his men to escape the doomed vessel. One by one, the wooden aircrafts began taking off from the deck of the battleship, until only the blind helmsman was left standing by the ship's controls. "Jerry! Come here, quick!"

"Aye Captain!" The blind man wearing a white sailor's suit rushed to the front of the battleship, and stood to Contra's right side.

"Jerry, I know how much you wanted this promotion... so here, take my Captain's hat!" Being the generous man he was, Contra planned to make the blind man go down with the ship.

"Wow! What's the occasion, if I may ask?" asked the happy Captain. Since he had been friends with this man for thousands of years, Contra decided to make things right at the last moment.

"The truth is... can you sign this life insurance policy for me? I'm listed as your benefactor."

"Of course!" said Jerry, signing his initials on the bottom of the paper. "Anything else you want to tell me?"

"Yeah!" said Contra, shouting a mile away from the doomed vessel. "Thanks, Jerry!"

After saying his goodbyes, he watched with pure horror as the large battleship crashed into the wall of metal, and exploded into a million fiery pieces.

"Nooooo! Jeeeryyyy!" said the tearful Contra.

"That's fucked up, man," said the random fat dude, appearing out of thin air to Contra's left side in the water. "You couldn't even add me to the list of benefactors?"

"Enough talk!" said Contra, stomping his feet into the nonexistent watery ground. "We have a race to finish!"

"Hahaha! I like your style, funny man!"

After having their magical moment, the men looked into each other's eyes for a short while, and then began running to the right side while staying parallel to one another. They ran in an upward diagonal path through the ocean water, and maintained a serious expression as they continued rushing forward with their unique running styles. Contra, being the manly man he was, was doing a double bicep flex while swinging it up and down as he powered forward through the water. Dirty-cheater, being the fat dude he was, did a hefty-looking run by alternatingly pushing out his left and right hands while he ran, as well as leaning back slightly while raising his knees high in the air with each hefty step taken.

They continued running in silence like this for over 10 seconds, until they finally breached the surface of the water. This was when the final destination was revealed before them, in the form of a large castle rising up from the ocean's depths far into the deep horizon.

"There it is... the Solar Summoning Castle of Infinity!" the fat dude pointed out with his spiked bat aimed forward.

"The what!?" asked Contra with a confuzzled look.

"That's where the winner of this race will be determined!"

Both men maintained their running poses, and continued speeding up through the air diagonally while rushing straight towards the distant castle, which by now, had already passed through the stratosphere. As time passed, both men tilted their head in the other's direction, and continued staring at each other as they drew closer and closer to their final destination. After running like this for another 10 seconds, they rammed through the thick outer wall of the castle, and crashed onto the solid floor entirely comprised of deathly bright yellow light.

"So... who won?" asked Contra, getting up to his feet.

"We must select one of three doors... and whoever gets to the top of the rising Solar Summoning Castle of Infinity first, wins," the fat dude answered him. Immediately after he spoke, his angel wings faded from existence, and then a pair of three white colored doors appeared out of thin air in front of them. Starting from the left, the doors were clearly labeled: FOREVER STAIRS, EVERYWHERE STAIRS, and BOTTOMLESS PIT. The entire race literally comes down to their next critical decision.

"I'll take the bottomless pit!" said Contra, throwing his right fist in the direction of the door.

"Then I'll take the everywhere stairs!" said Dirty-cheater, aiming his spiked bat towards it. "They've gotta lead somewhere, right?"

"Yeah... everywhere! Hahaha! See you later, random fat dude!" said Contra, charging through his door after saying his goodbyes. As soon as he began falling down the bottomless pit, he heard the sound of the random fat dude crashing through his door as well. The dark void of the bottomless pit washed over Contra the further he fell, until everything around him had turned entirely black. Not a single particle of light could be found inside this dark realm, however... there was good reason he picked the bottomless pit so hastily.

Remember, this was the Solar Summoning Castle of Infinity. By using his absurd logic, Contra realized that to reach the top of such a continuously rising place, he must go in the exact opposite direction. Yes... what better way to reach the top of an infinite castle, than by using a bottomless pit to pass through the opposite end of infinity!?

"Hahahahaha! I'm a fucking genius!" Contra screamed through the dark void as he continued falling through nothingness.

A short while later...

After literally falling for what felt like forever, he finally exited out from the dark void, and entered into the blackness of deep space. As he continued falling through space, he eventually smashed into the top of a solid structure, which was of course the continuously rising Solar Summoning Castle of Infinity.

"Now what...?" asked Contra, slowly getting up to his feet. As he began looking all around his body, he realized that the castle had not only increased in height, it had also increased in length and width as well. It seemed to be as wide as the farthest reaches of deep space, and there was a strange orange glow being emitted from the thick stone floor, almost as if there was a boundless ocean of lava waiting beneath the surface.

"Don't worry, I'm here," said Flawless' voice behind him. Contra quickly turned around to face the flawless man, and also noticed that Max, of all people, was standing next to his beautiful left side.

"Flawless? Max...? How the hell did you two get here?"

"I used miracle magic to pass through the walls," said Flawless with a shrug of his bare shoulders. "And... I brought Max with me because he said he wanted to prove himself to his fans."

"Max has fans!?" asked Contra with a confused look.

"Of course I do!" said Max, showing off his glistening G.O.D armor. "I feel like I got screwed out of showing off my new powers this time around, so I came back at the last second to do something to make myself look more badass."

"Well... at least you're brutally honest," Contra admitted with a warm smile. "Wait a minute, what happened to Dirty-cheater?"

"Oh, about him..." Flawless began saying. "He called me on the phone a moment ago, and said he got lost on the everywhere stairs."

"Hah!" said Contra, throwing his right fist in the air. "I guess that means I won the race!" All three of them suddenly burst into merry laughter, and doubled over with pain as time passed by. Their time of merriment was short lived however, as an intensely bright orange light suddenly erupted in space above the continuously rising castle.

As their attention was drawn to the source of light, they noticed that it appeared to extend beyond the size of the universe itself, and it had the strange figure of a universe-sized sun in the shape of a human. It had unusually furry features on its outer body however, which could only mean one thing...

"IT'S TEDDY DEEMON!" all three men shouted out in unison. Since the Solar Summoning Castle of Infinity continuously climbed through space, and there were no other stars in sight, the monstrous deity looked as if it was falling towards the endless stone structure while steadily shrinking its universe-sized body. After it shrunk to the size of neutron star roughly the size of a small city, hundreds of what appeared to be gigantic flaming talons emerged from its back, to which they then began shooting out blue colored suns from their tips. Luckily, Max's G.O.D armor had a brilliant blue colored aura surrounding it, which meant absolutely nothing at all in particular.

"Don't worry!" said Max, pointing his +500 Giga Electric Sword towards the swarm of approaching suns. "I'll use my new defensive technique, Blinding Blue Magnetar Field of Infinite Reflection to shield us!" Following a simple thrust of his sword, Max summoned a razor thin shield of blue colored light directly above their heads, that reached from end to end of the enormous castle. The shield released an infinitely powerful gravitational field in the opposite direction, and despite its fragile appearance, it somehow proceeded to reflect the hundreds of blue suns falling towards them.

After being reflected by the shield, the suns sped back through space faster than they initially moved, and smashed into Teddy Deemon's body with thunderous bangs. The force of the exploding suns suspended it above the rising castle momentarily, until the final sun's blast faded away after colliding with Teddy's incredibly dense body. With no other solar masses slamming into it, the monstrous deity quickly fell through space, and proceeded to condense its body even further until it crashed onto the castle floor while being roughly human-sized. Although it landed 900 miles away from their position, they were able to see its body in full detail by using their binoculars.

Simply put, its body looked as if a 7 feet tall man was wearing an expensive-looking teddy bear costume, which had everything from enlarged feet, fat paws, a tremendous head with an opened mouth, and last but not least... its hotly glowing orange body looked as if it was carved out from an actual sun. In fact, dozens of relatively tiny solar flares, hurricanes, and even flaming twisters could be observed moving across its large body. Following a sudden eruption of orange light from its body, it quickly warped in front of them, and began speaking with a clearly not fitting demonic voice.

"What's up, bitches!?" said the demonic deity.

"Guys, let me do the talking," Contra suggested while stepping forward. "Look, buddy, I don't know who you are, but you-" before he finished speaking, a sudden blast of fire erupted from within its body, which sent them all sliding back across the floor.

"Don't bullshit me!" barked the demonic being. "I've met you bastards before... and you sure as hell remember who I am!"

"To be fair..." Contra began saying. "I've never seen your entire body before, so technically I have no idea who you are."

"You done dicking around yet?" Teddy Deemon asked him. After hearing its brash response, it was clear to Contra that this creature never had any plans to engage in random banter. He simply nodded his head in response, and then the burning being continued to speak. "You know, you guys owe me some serious money after the stunt you pulled at the World Tournament... do you have any idea how much money I had bet on M.B to win?"

"Who's M.B?" asked Contra with a puzzled look.

"Marvelous Brawler!" shouted the angry deity. "Don't know how the fuck you beat that guy in actual combat... 'cause his Marvelous Shadow Brawling Dimension makes his powers on par with mine!"

"You mean... this is all about money!?" Max shouted out from behind Contra.

"Well I hate to break this to you," said Contra, pointing his right index finger towards Teddy Deemon's face. "But after fighting that dark energy being, Meta-Loh, I know I can defeat even the likes of Marvelous Brawler in a fair fight."

"Meta-Loh!?" asked the burning creature, backing away with a surprised look on its face. "If you people fought a legit member of the DMGs... then I guess I'll have to take this fight seriously!" Immediately after it finished speaking, it used its incredibly strong magic to transport each man to the Dark Teddy Maze Dimension.

They were separated after entering the dark dimension, and Contra was the first to open his eyes to take in the surrounding. All around him, there were black walls that reached up as far as the eyes could see, and even the floor itself was a deep black color.

"This is it..." said Contra, striking a dramatic pose by placing his fists to his sides. "Our all-out offensive against the unstoppable evil, Teddy Deemon... begins now!" As soon as he said his last words, he took his first step across the black floor, and heard an odd squeaking sound coming from his right foot. "What twisted magic is this!?"

"This is my special magic..." a voice speaking from the ceiling answered him. "Sounds are replaced with squeaky toy noises!" It was the voice of Teddy Deemon that spoke.

"You cruel bastard!" said Contra, shaking his right fist through the air. There was no helping it... he'll just have to begin walking through the maze while listening to the terrifyingly squeaky sounds.

He quickly started walking through the black maze, and was forced to hear the monstrous sounds with each new step taken. After a short while, he reached what appeared to be a dead end in the path, which meant that he would be forced to turn around to find the proper route. In his frustration, he sent his right fist smashing into the wall with all his might, and was greeted by a ridiculously loud squeaking sound in response. Using violence would clearly not solve this maze.

"Dammit... I guess I'll go down alternate path number 568," said Contra, turning around to walk away. Just as he began walking however, he heard the sounds of another pair of squeaky footsteps following closely behind him. As he quickly turned around to face the source of the sounds, oddly enough, the once sealed path before was opened up. Seeing this as a sign of good fortune, he ignored the opened path completely, as well as the squeaky footsteps moving towards him through the dark maze.

Elsewhere...

Thanks to the helpful light of his glowing G.O.D armor, Max had no friggin' idea where he was supposed to go in the maze. He had been wandering around in pure silence for a while, since he decided not to walk, but hover across the black floor in order to stop the disgusting noises that plagued his mind. Using his great intellect, he had already determined that using physical violence would not open the correct path through the maze, in other words...

"I'll use my new sword to cut a straight path through this maze!" Max declared with a smug grin on his face. He returned his electric sword back to his armor's invisible pocket, and pulled out his newly crafted +888 Scientific Super Sword. The sword was made for Max specifically, through the combined efforts of Nexus and Hideko. It has the clearly not magical scientific ability to change its durability, shape, size, and magical properties depending on the situation.

Since he needed to cut his way through the maze, he used this chance to finally land onto the floor, and was quickly greeted with an annoying squeaky sound as his metal boots struck the surface.

"Here goes!" said Max, pulling his sword over to his left side in a readied position. "MISSILE SLASH!" As he spoke his dramatic words, he slashed from left to right horizontally, and subsequently tore open a hole in space to summon a dozen nuclear missiles. They quickly slammed into the nearby wall, and exploded with a grand flash of light and fire that illuminated the dark dimension.

Even with such a display of force, however, he was still unable to break through the seemingly unbreakable walls. In other words... for Max, it was back to the drawing board of being hopelessly lost.

Elsewhere...

Flawless was busy walking his way through the Dark Teddy Maze Dimension, and paid no attention to the deafening squeaking sounds spreading through the air. Using his flawless knowledge, he had already figured out a way to escape this ugly place by using little to no effort. Simply put, there was a magical source of light hidden in the center of this dark maze, which once touched, would release its stored energy to destroy the realm around them, and bring them back to the Solar Summoning Castle of Infinity. Ordinarily, the walls of the dark maze were immune to both physical and magical attacks, but at this point, Flawless didn't give a damn about the details.

"I don't have time to waste solving this maze..." said Flawless, walking directly towards the end of the path. An unbreakable wall remained in front of him, but he had no intention of stopping his forward advance for such a silly thing. "Disappear!" Like swatting away at a bothersome fly, he flicked his right hand through the air in front of him, and his incredibly beautiful hand proceeded to vaporize the unbreakable wall in that same instant.

He continued walking forward while doing this this for another 20 seconds, until he arrived in front of the final wall separating him from the center of the maze. Instead of swatting his hand in front of him like he had been doing all along, this time, he simply moved his body in front of the dark wall, and watched as it quickly faded away from existence since it stood within mere feet of absolute perfection.

"This is it..." said Flawless, stepping through the vaporized wall. "I've found you!" The magical source of light appeared in front of his body as he entered the dark chamber, to which it then exploded with a cosmic flash to destroy Teddy Deemon's Dark Teddy Maze Dimension. Since Flawless stood at the epicenter of the titanic blast, he was completely unaffected by it, and was instead teleported back to Contra's left side on the outside of the rising castle.

Standing between Max and Flawless...

Thanks to Contra's efforts, the team was able to escape the strange realm of darkness after he punched a hole straight through the floor. As it turned out, the walls were unbreakable, but the floor was not.

"Now that I freed you guys from the dark dimension, let's destroy the cuddly bastard that put us there!" said Contra, placing on a black advertising shirt clearly made to shamelessly sell his clothes. The words Contra Versus: Army of One was written across the shirt's chest area, and Magical Bullshit! was written across its upper back.

"What's this!?" asked the surprised Teddy Deemon, appearing out of thin air in front of them. "No one's ever escaped my special maze by finding the magical source of light in its center... and by punching through the floor at the same time!"

"Are you trying to bore us to death!?" asked Contra, ripping off his shirt to reveal his manly chest muscles. "I came here for a fight!"

"All right..." Teddy Deemon began saying with a deadly tone. "I will activate my ultimate skill, Squeaky Chest Collision Combat!"

"What the!?" asked Contra, looking around his shoulders. "What happened to Flawless!?"

"You fool! My magic doesn't work on flawless beings, so he was banished from the battlefield instead to go live a life of luxury!" the burning being explained to him.

"Huh? I don't feel any different..." said Max with a shrug of his armored shoulders.

"The target of my attack is Contra!" Teddy Deemon pointed out. "Observe as I destroy him in battle!" Immediately after it spoke, it flew itself above the rising castle, and used its magic to somehow lift Contra off the floor as well. After reaching a hundred miles above the castle in the blink of an eye, they both flew backwards until they were a hundred feet apart.

"I can't move my arms and legs!" Contra was heard screaming in the air. Max was completely powerless to help him, so he simply watched as the two fighters began their deadly confrontation.

After a mere 5 seconds of awkward silence, the two combatants flew towards each other at the speed of sound, and collided chest-first in midair. As their bodies made contact, a powerful flaming shock wave was sent tearing through space in a circular direction, and a loud squeaking sound was heard moving through the surrounding space as well. Upon smashing into each other, they were both pulled backwards through the air like ragdolls at the speed of sound, and then reenacted the same speeding chest bump in midair once again. The process of smashing into, being pulled back, and then ramming into one other again and again continued on for roughly 20 seconds, until it was clear to Max that Teddy Deemon was beginning to lose the encounter.

"You can do it, Contra!" Max cheered him on with a raise of his armored left fist. "You have bigger muscles! So you have the clear advantage!" True to his words, after a few more high-speed squeaky chest bumps, Teddy Deemon was blasted back through space faster than the speed of light, and tore open a hole in spacetime to create an enormous black hole.

"Nooooo! A black hole opened up with the force of my own body is my only weakness!" the burning creature complained. "You dirty cheaters... who told you!?"

"Bwahahahahaa!" Contra released a hearty laugh through the air, and placed his hands to his hips before he continued speaking. "Just like I planned!"

As Teddy Deemon struggled to free itself from the black hole, the black mass continued to grow in size, which prompted the struggling being to increase its size as well. Eventually, its burning legs were sucked into the unrelenting black hole, and even its waist was soon pulled inside it.

"Nooooooo!" Teddy Deemon screamed through the air. "No! No! No! No! No! I CAN'T LOSE LIKE THIS!"

"Strange," said Contra, teleporting beside Max's left side. "Does it usually take this long for an enemy to die?"

"Well, maybe this is its dramatic finish?" Max answered with a shrug of his armored shoulders.

After struggling for a few more seconds, even after it had ballooned to the size of a small sun, the evil Teddy Deemon was sucked inside the black hole at last.

"Well, I guess that wraps up the story," said Contra, releasing a heavy sigh. "Man, what's with this chapter? It's so freaking long!"

"NOT YET!" a demonic voice thundered through space.

"What the flaming hell!?" asked Contra, staring in amazement at the impossible situation unfolding before him.

Incredibly, the skeletal remains of a flaming hand reached out from the center of the black hole, and grabbed on to its right side. Another flaming skeletal hand then reached out, and grabbed on to the left side of the black hole this time. After taking a firm grip, the skeletal face of Teddy Deemon began pushing its way from the very center of the black hole; however, with the black hole heavily pulling back on its outer skin, a twisted grin was seen on its burning face since it was being stretched back by the gravitational force.

"You won't beat me...! Contra! I will tear out your fucking soul!" After it finished speaking, it pulled the remainder of its body through the black hole, which turned out to be only its bony neck, shoulders, and a tiny bit of its disfigured upper torso.

"What the hell are you!?" asked Contra with a frightened voice.

"This is my true form... DEEMON TEDDY! Contra! The REAL battle starts now!" Using its demonic magic, it surrounded both men with an intense aura of darkness, and used it to transport them up to the front of its face. With the sun-sized black hole still pulling everything around it towards its center, they were all dragged into a deadly turn-based RPG battle as reality shattered around them.

"Dammit!" said Contra, kneeling onto his right hand and knee.

"Contra? What's wrong!?" asked Max with a worried look.

"I'm still damaged from the fight I had against Meta-Loh... I'm running on empty!"

"Oh yeah, I forgot we all watched you guys fighting on the TV back in the castle," said Max with a shake of his head. "Can't you just use healing magic to heal your wounds?"

"I could try... but there's one huge problem..." Contra answered with a worried look.

"What's that?" asked Max with a puzzled expression.

"ME!" Deemon Teddy barked through space. "I have the first turn because I'm the largest one on the battlefield!"

"Really...?" asked Max with a confused look. "Shouldn't Contra have the first turn because he's faster? Why are the rules of the battle different this time? Isn't this the same type of RPG battle!?"

"You fool! We ARE using the same turn-based system, but now it has a new complicated battle system just to fuck with your heads, and convince you it's different from the last one!"

"You evil monster!" Max responded with a look of anger. "You will pay for your treacherous ways!" Max could sense it... his secret identity of being a noble knight was about to awaken at any second.

"Enough talk!" said Deemon Teddy, raising its flaming skeletal hands in front of it in preparation for its first attack. "I will use my strongest attack, Slaughtering Deemonic Surprise, which gives me the ability to punch at a speed faster than infinity!"

After leaning back against the black hole, it began using its Jupiter-sized hands to repeatedly send left and right straights smashing into their bodies. The surprise in the name of its attack lies in the fact that as each punch struck its mark, a second hand appeared directly behind them at the exact same time to sandwich them between its flaming fists. Both men was being bombarded by its tremendously powerful left and right straights, and as time went on, it doubled the speed and strength of its attacks with each new swing. Well over 100 million punches were thrown in a span of only 10 seconds, which eventually shattered spacetime around them as the universe wasn't large enough to withstand the powerful shock waves being released.

With the sheer force of its attack inadvertently destroying reality all around them, Deemon Teddy prematurely ended its turn before landing its final strike, aptly named Slaughtering Deemonic Punch.

As both men returned back to the battlefield after Deemon Teddy's turn was finished, Contra was completely laid out on his back atop the nonexistent floor. His body was badly bloodied and broken all over, but luckily his face was magically unscathed since he needed to deliver his final message before passing out.

"Max... it's... all... up... to... you..." Contra began saying with a pained voice. "Awaken the sleeping powers I gave you back when you were called Phazon Thunder and use your newfound strength to defeat Deemon Teddy once and for all!" Despite his pained state, he somehow managed to say his last words on a single breath.

"I understand..." said Max, looking down at his fallen friend with tearful eyes. Seeing Contra lying flat on his back in total defeat made Max come to a shocking realization. He, not Contra, Flawless, nor even The Cheating Wizard was now the strongest available hero. If he failed to defeat the enemy before him... then the story will come to an abrupt end, and remain lost to the masses for all eternity.

"Poor little Max! You're just a scrubby 2nd rate character!" Deemon Teddy teased him. "You don't have the power to defeat a super important character like ME in battle!"

"Yeah... the old Max wouldn't..." he answered with a dangerous tone. Immediately after he spoke, the surrounding space around them became electrified with wild sparks. He then reached his prized +888 Scientific Super Sword high above his head, and allowed a random bolt of lightning to strike its glistening blade. By using his sword's scientific ability, he was able to solidify the lightning that struck the powerful blade, and now held a 100-mile-long solid-energy weapon inside his right hand. "But you're fighting against the NEW Max!"

"What the fuck is this!? You're not supposed to be THAT strong!" Deemon Teddy shouted with a worried tone.

"Yeah, you're right!" said Max, materializing his G.O.D armor's helmet over his head. The helmet had a pointed front, and twin devil horns ran from its top, and moved a bit beyond his shoulders. "After using my ultimate summoning technique... Infiniverse Lightning Tethering, I'll become much stronger! My strength will rise above the bounds of infinity!" Immediately after he finished speaking, the surrounding sparks of electricity converged into his sword, to which it began releasing an intensely bright blue glow.

"This is bullshit! You're pulling a new power from out of nowhere!" the raging deity rightfully complained.

All across the far reaches of the infiniverse, Max's new summoning technique began gathering the energy of every lightning strike that's ever sped across the skies. In addition to that, it began accumulating the residual energy from every lightning strike that had come into existence since the dawn of time, all while doing so throughout the entire infiniverse. The gathered energy was transferred directly into his lightning blade, which extended the already monstrous size and weight of his sword beyond the bounds of their current universe. He slung the sword across his right shoulder after the total energy was brought together, and stared down the trembling Deemon Teddy with a look of supreme victory.

"Maximum Lightning SLASH!" Max shouted through space as he soared towards the large deity 888 octillion times faster than light. Following a tremendous overhead right slash, Deemon Teddy, the black hole behind it, and the entire universe was viciously torn apart by the fractal-like shape of his infinitely-sized branching blade. The once terrifying being was torn apart so viciously, that it never even uttered a single word as its body slowly vanished from existence. Instead, it kept the remainder of its demonic eyes locked directly on Max's position... as if cursing him to a life of eternal damnation.

Before the powerful knight began to enjoy his tremendous victory however, the remainder of the universe shattered around him, and he was blasted back towards Contra's castle to enjoy his promotion of being the newest top-tier character.

Currently falling through space...

While being in a semi-conscious state, Contra had observed the final battle between Max and the fearsome Deemon Teddy. Like a crazed parent watching their child's competitive match, he proudly watched as his former sidekick blossomed into a tremendously powerful main character, and defeated an enemy that had been hyped since the very beginning of the story.

"Max... you're officially a cheating knight, now!" Contra thought to himself as he fell through the endless white void of the shattered universe. Just when he began thinking his troubles were finished, his falling speed steadily began increasing as the seconds ticked by. The first thing that came to his mind... was that he was falling towards a source that maintained a powerful gravitational force. As it turned out, his assumption was spot on, since he quickly crashed into a solid white colored object that appeared out of thin air.

The heavy collision forced his battered eyes wide open, and he was shocked to see the strange land of white and light spreading out before him. It looked like he had crashed onto a planet of some kind, but with its endless plains of glowing white ground, what could such a place actually be?

"You've finally made it," said a familiar man's voice behind him. Contra was too weak to even turn himself around, however, so he listened to the man's footsteps as he made his way around his broken body. However, as soon as the blood red fabric of the man's trench coat came into view, Contra immediately recognized who it was.

"The Cheating Wizard!"

"Welcome to the world of infinity," the wizard answered with a small bow. "A sentient world so ravenous... it consumed entire solar systems and galaxies, until it eventually became its own universe."

"Wait a minute!" said Contra, suddenly remembering the very beginning of the story. "Didn't the Ultimate Master of Magic get banished to this place by that invincible dragon?" The wizard simply nodded his head in response. "I have another question: why the hell is this particular chapter so long? I mean, aren't these always strictly 10 pages long?"

"Yeah! We've been relaxing all day and night in the castle!" said Cindy's voice behind him. She quickly made her way to his front, and leaned over to allow her large pointed breasts to dangle in the air. "Hmm, you look like you got ran over by a flaming pile of shit."

"Sounds about right," Contra admitted. She straightened herself out after hearing his answer, and snapped her fingers to summon Savage from out of thin air.

"Yes, Miss Dawson?" asked the noble butler.

"Get him back to his feet, and call a cab to get us the hell outta here!" Cindy instructed with a firm tone. Savage quickly obeyed her commands, and tilted his head forward to spill a single drop of tea from his magical teacup. The drop of magical fluid soared through the air, and then slammed into Contra's face with a thunderous bang. Since the single drop contained the weight of an entire galaxy, it blasted him 240 inches beneath the planet's solid-energy surface.

Miraculously, the force of the tea smashing into his face healed his shattered body completely, and even increased his previous level of strength tenfold!

"Good as new!" said Contra, jumping back to his feet. He quickly jumped to the top of the small crater his body created, and stood tall with a smug grin on his face as if he had just won himself the lottery. However, there was something missing from the area when he began looking around his shoulders. "Huh? Where's Cindy and Savage!?"

"Didn't you hear them?" asked The Cheating Wizard, appearing out of thin air behind him. The wizard made his way to his right side, and pointed towards the far horizon as he continued speaking. "They caught a cab around 5 hours ago."

"5 hours!? I was only under the ground for like 5 seconds!"

"Time flows differently beneath the world of infinity's surface," the wizard explained with a shrug of his wise shoulders. "While you were taking your sweet time getting back, I singlehandedly defeated the members of the Mile High Club."

"Uh... shouldn't you explain what happened so people won't get the wrong idea?" asked Contra with a quizzical look.

"Wouldn't it be funnier to screw with their heads?" The Cheating Wizard asked nonchalantly.

"Not in this case. We don't advertise sex in this story, that's for those other horny writers to do," said Contra, shattering the 5th wall.

"Good point..." The Cheating Wizard admitted. "Fair enough, let's walk towards the next city, and I'll fill them in on the details."

5 hours ago...

After waving goodbye to Cindy and Savage, The Cheating Wizard reluctantly turned around to move back to the crater formed by Contra's fallen body. Right before he reached its edge, a series of heavy tremors were felt moving throughout the entire area. Seeing as though the source of the vibrations originated from behind him, he snapped his body around to the right side, and opened his eyes wide with amazement at the gargantuan beings walking their way towards him.

"We are the elite members of the Mile High Club!" the gathering of 20 million beings shouted out at the same time. Their bodies were of the same composition as the world of infinity, and they all had the exact same appearance of gigantic humanoid males. In fact, by The Cheating Wizard's approximate guess, they were probably exactly 1 mile in height, hence the name. Even though he already figured out the silly joke, he decided to humor them nonetheless by asking them the question they expected him to ask.

"Who are you guys? And what is the Mile High Club!?" he asked with mock surprise.

"Foolish human!" they responded at the same time. "Look how weak you are, speaking with your tiny mouth and small body! We are the same entity! To join our elite club, you must be exactly 1 mile in height, not a millimeter higher or lower!"

"Wait... are you things all connected, or something?" he asked with a raised eyebrow. He half-considered destroying them before they got the chance to give their response, but he realized that would make the encounter very anticlimactic.

"Yes! We are a singular life form, born on this incredible world of supreme chaos and destruction!" they answered with a short bow.

"Tell you what..." the mad wizard began saying with a dangerous tone. He slowly began walking towards them with his hands reached out from his sides as he continued to speak. "Since I'm such a great guy, I'll give you the chance to attack me first. With absolutely no strings attached!"

"Good! 'Cause we don't fuck around on this planet!" they responded with fiendish grins. Just like he suspected, their attitudes changed completely after hearing they could attack him freely.

They quickly halted their advance at the same time, and then raised their hands above their heads before releasing a bellowing roar. As the sounds of the terrifying roar filled the skies, a pulsating aura of red energy flowed from their collective hands, and gathered into a single point in the sky above them. The ball of light grew immensely larger with each passing second, until it had ballooned to the size of an enormous red hypergiant sun.

"Take this!" the collective beings began saying at the same time. "Roaring Red Hypergiant Destruction!" Before they managed to release the full force of their attack, The Cheating Wizard used his cheating magic, and teleported directly above the enormous sun in preparation for his decisive move.

"DISAPPEAR!" he yelled out with a crazed look on his face. He quickly flipped over backwards through the air in dramatic fashion, then stomped his right foot down onto the hypergiant sun to send it crashing into the beings beneath it. After colliding with their hands, the sun exploded with a cosmic blast, and destroyed every single one of the elite members of the Mile High Club along with it. "We have ourselves a winner!" said The Cheating Wizard with a pleased look.

Because he had defeated them so quickly, however, he still had over 4 hours remaining until Contra climbed out from the crater. In other words, there was only one clear option to take in this situation.

"Time to hit the books!" he said with an upward point of his right index finger. He quickly teleported to the edge of the small crater, and sat down onto the newly materialized red colored sofa. After making himself comfortable by leaning back against it, he pulled out his special book cover edition of "The World's Strongest Gambler: The 2nd Gamble" from his coat pocket, and carefully began reading it from the first chapter. As for what makes this book's particular cover a special book cover... it's a dark secret reserved for the near future.

Several hours later...

While he was busy being engrossed by the incredibly realistic action sequences of T.W.S.G 2, The Cheating Wizard heard the sounds of Contra making his way out from the small crater. In response, he quickly placed the book back inside his coat pocket, and vaporized the red sofa with a mere thought before teleporting behind Contra's back to pretend he was worried.

"Thank God you're alive!" he said with a heavy hint of sarcasm.

"Huh? Where's Cindy and Savage!?"

"Didn't you hear-" while The Cheating Wizard was busy going over the past events, Contra interrupted him by using main character magic, and temporarily regained control of the story.

"Wow, I can't believe all that happened!" said Contra, leaning his feet onto the large table set in front of him. Currently, both he and The Cheating Wizard were located inside the Beyond Infinity Bar on the north side of the planet. They had arrived there after walking nearly 900 trillion miles while quickly going over the past events.

"Clever transitioning..." said the wizard with a nod of his head. "Only, I know you've realized this by now, but I'll be having the final fight in this story."

"Yeah, I know, I know," said Contra with a careless wave of his right hand. "I'm only here to hold the camera for you guys. Speaking of which... where is everyone?" He was referring to the fact that despite the bar being extremely noisy, they were the only physical beings seated inside it.

"Well unlike you, I actually read the entire official rulebook for this strange world," The Cheating Wizard answered with a sly grin. "The beings inside this bar are too weak to be physically seen, since their powers are only limited to infinity, or strictly within the realms of a single universe. Simply calling yourself a God, or having godly abilities aren't remotely enough to survive the immense gravity on the world of infinity. Not even the Almighty-God could survive."

"Shots fired!" said Contra, ducking beneath the table. True to his words, a man had just kicked his way through the swinging entrance doors, and began shooting his red colored boxing gloves through the air as he began walking directly towards them. Strangely enough, the man's body was covered by a black silhouette to hide his identity.

"Contra! I've come to say hello!" said the godly bounty hunter, leaping through the air towards their table. To counter such a brazen act of violence, Contra exited from beneath his large table, and dived through the air towards the unknown man as well. After clashing their powerful right fists in midair without destroying reality around them, they fell onto the floor, and looked each other square in the eyes. Contra immediately recognized the man after seeing his unique appearance.

"Desperado Vengeance!? What the hell are you doing in here!?" Contra asked with a shocked expression.

"Like I said, I came to say hello!" Desperado answered him with his raised right fist. Just like Contra remembered him, he was still dressed inside a large brown poncho, wore black pants and shirt, and had a pair of red boxing gloves tied to his waist. He also had flowing brown hair, and a huge handlebar mustache... anything was possible for this man with such an incredible appearance!

"Why don't you tell them the real reason you came back?" asked The Cheating Wizard, standing up to his feet to face them.

"I'm here to make a cameo appearance, of course!" Desperado admitted. "After Max defeated Deemon Teddy, he freed us all, and gave us the ability to come and go in the future stories as we please."

"Since when did Max have the power to do that!?" asked Contra with a perturbed look.

"Ever since he became a top-tier character," Desperado explained with a shrug of his shoulders. "Anyway, I'm also here to bridge the gap for the return of a certain magician..."

"The Ultimate Master of Magic!" Contra exclaimed aloud. "Tell us where we can find him!"

"He'll show up after I make my exit," Desperado answered with a bitter tone. "Anyway, I'll see you all in the next story!" he said with a wave of his right hand. With his brief cameo appearance finished, he vanished into thin air, and then a knock was heard on the outside of the sealed bar entrance door.

"Can it really be him?" asked Contra, staring at the door with a look of fear. After waiting outside the door for several seconds in silence, Contra felt the effects of slow magic spreading throughout the area, to which the figure of a man pushed open the double doors in dramatic fashion. The man... no, the Ultimate Master of Magic waltzed inside the Beyond Infinity Bar without a care in the world, and continued moving forward in slow motion for another 5 seconds to reveal his extravagant clothing. Not surprisingly, it was the exact same purple armor as last time.

"Greetings," said Ultimate Master of Magic, releasing the effects of his slow magic. Since it was his moment to shine, the mad wizard used his cheating magic to abruptly change the P.O.V.

"So..." said The Cheating Wizard, stepping forward to stand in front of his greatest rival, "how do you want to do this?"

"Let's have a dramatic recap sequence, first," Ultimate Master of Magic suggested. "After that, we'll have a heated discussion leading up to the final showdown."

"Can I join in on the recap?" asked Contra's voice behind him.

"No!"

"No!" both men answered flatly at the same time. Now that the terms of their next encounter was set, the Ultimate Master of Magic raised his right hand high above his head, and shattered the current dimension to place the them both back in the past. It was moments before Contra arrived to the top of the Evil Pagoda summoned by the Ultimate Master of Magic. At the time, The Cheating Wizard was fuming mad about the blatant assault on his name, and planned to make the man responsible pay for his crimes against him.

But... how exactly was his name assaulted? You'll find out in the next "The Cheating Wizard" story! Till then, several other prequel stories will be made so you can buy even MORE of my products!

"Toodles!"

~FIN~

-Somehow written by, Andre A. Spence-

-Devilishly directed by, Andre A. Spence-

-Badass character creations by, Andre A. Spence-

-"Hey... YOU! PLEASE go buy my official products!"-

-"Still reading? Well stop... the story's finished!"-

.

"Bullshit!" Ultimate Master of Magic cried out through the air.

"What the?" asked The Cheating Wizard with a shocked look. He had tried abruptly ending the story like he had done before, and even tried adding end credits... but for some odd reason... it didn't work!

"Not this time! Didn't you notice how long the chapter's already been!?" asked the Ultimate Master of Magic with a maniacal look.

"This is the world of infinity, so I thought it was just a running joke!" The Cheating Wizard admitted.

"Wrong! I used my strongest magic to extend each new chapter in the series indefinitely!" said Ultimate Master of Magic, throwing his arms out to his sides. "This is Chapter ∞... not 10! The only way to finish it... is by having a REAL final battle against me!"

"Impressive..." said the surprised wizard. "So I guess that means I'll have to explain to them how you DEFACED my name!"

"Why the fuck wouldn't I?" asked the magician with a dangerous voice. He lowered his hands to his sides, and then pointed towards him with his extended right index finger. "You stole the title away from me... I had every right to freeze your name!"

"Hahahahaha! So that's what you thought!?" asked The Cheating Wizard with a wild look on his face. "My unique name saved this story... I'm the only reason it exists!" Little did any of you know, but these two magical beings had been fighting long before this story even existed, as evidenced by the first book's cover.

"We'll settle this feud of ours once and for all... in a turn-based RPG battle!" said Ultimate Master of Magic, leaping back across the roof of the Evil Pagoda. The edge of space was directly above them, and passing asteroids continuously zoomed by as if they were caught inside an invisible current. They now stood 15 feet away from each other; a prime distance for two magical fighters to do an RPG battle.

"Hah! Did you forget what happened last time!?" he asked the magician with a smug look.

{During their fated battle atop the Evil Pagoda in the last adventure, The Cheating Wizard used his cheating magic to steal all of Ultimate Master of Magic's energy before the fight started. Because of such a sneaky act, it was a one-sided fight the entire time, and only lasted a total of 3 terrifying turns}.

"THIS time will be different!" said the Ultimate Master of Magic, throwing his opened hands to his sides while pointing his right knee forward through the air. He then raised himself a foot in the air using an area of unknown science, which triggered an extremely powerful song to begin playing loudly through the air around them; signaling that The Final Battle had just begun!

"You cheating bastard!" said The Cheating Wizard with an angry look. "This, Evil Pagoda... was summoned to the RPG battle with the pretext of revealing our previous fight!"

"That's right. I learned an important lesson on that day..." said Ultimate Master of Magic with a dangerous tone. Suddenly, a ray of light shined down on his body from out of nowhere, and quickly began transforming his body. "If I'm to defeat you in a legitimate fight..." he continued to say while transforming. His flowing white hair suddenly grew electrified, and wild electrical sparks began circulating his head. "I MUST CHEAT TO WIN!"

"What the heck do you call this version of yourself!?" asked The Cheating Wizard with a stunned look.

"I am the one that exists above all..." said the magician as cracks began snaking their way through his armor. "I am the one who have surpassed the very limits of infinity!" Immediately after saying this, his purple armor shattered with a blast of white light, and in its place was an unusual suit of black and purple clothing. "I am BEYOND magic... I am the FINAL Master of Magic!"

After saying his last dramatic words, the shining light from before left his body, and his clothing was now seen in its entirety.

Final Master of Magic's mask no longer had wild electrical sparks running across it, as it was instead entirely comprised of solidified lightning. His cape was made up of solidified lightning-flames, and with his old armor removed, he now wore an unusual-looking black robe with extremely loose-fitting black pants attached to its lower half, instead of the typical skirt design. The long sleeves of the robe ended with slits starting from the middle of his forearms, and his purple colored skin-tight armor was revealed beneath it. It was the same for his pants, as it too ended with slits near its bottom, and the same skin-tight purple armor was attached to his feet as well.

Oddly enough, his hands and feet had a dark aura surrounding them, so their exact physical features remained unknown. Besides all that, his electrified white hair continuously flew about the air as if possessed by the energy flowing through it. As if the surrounding space could somehow sense how ridiculously badass Final Master of Magic looked, the entire vicinity violently began shaking about.

"Contra! Hold the camera steady!" The Cheating Wizard snapped at the clearly excited man.

"I'm trying, dammit!" Contra shouted back from a safe distance. "But he looks so fucking cool I can't stop shaking with excitement!" To remedy the situation, Contra was seen using magic to materialize a tripod out of thin air, to which he then fixed the camera onto it in a steady position. "Okay! I have it under control!"

"Screw your distractions!" Final Master of Magic yelled out with a powerful voice. "You're banned from committing any random acts of magical bullshit for the remainder of the story!" With his absolute magic now in effect, Contra was forced to silently do his job.

"Sorry to keep you waiting!" said The Cheating Wizard, shifting into his cheating fighting stance {he remained standing in the exact same stance as he did before}. "It's time for the main event!" After a tremendous buildup, it was FINALLY time to get this battle started!

Since he was the last to speak, The Cheating Wizard decided to take the first turn.

"For my first attack, I think I'll test the waters!" he said with a raise of his right hand. "Dangerously Distracting Diamond Pimp!" The Cheating Wizard vanished after he spoke, and in his place was a dancing pimp who wore golden clothing, shoes and gloves. There was a golden pimp cane inside his hands as well, which he currently had placed in front of him as he continuously rocked his torso to the left and right.

Not surprisingly, Final Master of Magic grew distracted by the fact that this dancing pimp wore gold, not diamond clothing like the name of The Cheating Wizard's attack suggested. As he continued staring in awe at the inspiring dance, an identical pimp dressed in diamond clothing quietly snuck up behind him, and attempted to stab his +9 Pimp Cane of Beyond Infinity through the back of his skull. Once the cane touched the back of his hair however, the energy from the electrified hair coursed through the pimp cane, and shattered the man holding it into a million pieces. With the diamond pimp swiftly defeated, the golden one vanished as well, and The Cheating Wizard was brought back onto the battlefield with a sly grin on his face.

"Unlike you..." said Final Master of Magic, raising his left hand directly above his head, "I'll start things off with a bang!" Suddenly, the gathering of dark energy inside his hand exploded outwards, and then he proceeded to chant his spell. "Stellar Quake Calamity 8!" Immediately after he finished speaking, a 30-mile-wide magnetar appeared above the space above them, and completely blocked out the view of the passing asteroids.

Because of this, the passing stones slammed into its outer mantle, and triggered a stellar quake directly above their heads. Completely going against scientific logic, the explosion of energy quickly rushed across the entire universe, and solidified space itself into two halved bodies of stone. Fault lines could be seen etched into the face of the universe-sized halved stones, and one was placed above their heads, while the other one replaced the Evil Pagoda floor beneath them.

"Here's a one-liner for you! Things are about to get shaky!" said Final Master of Magic, throwing out a random one-liner. He finally vanished from the battlefield after saying his last words, and then the halved stones began ascending and descending towards one another in a flash. Before the wizard even got the chance to react, the halved stone above him paused a mere foot above his head, to which it and its counterpart began splitting themselves open with countless cracks. The cracks quickly sped towards The Cheating Wizard, and slammed into his body from both directions at the same time to trigger a powerful earthquake.

One after another, the continent-sized stones slammed into his body, and then retracted to their original positions before repeating the exact same process over and over again. After enduring the crushing force of the halved universe-sized stones slamming into his body for 8 seconds, they both halted at the same time, and exploded with a cosmic bang that shattered reality all around them. With the attack finished, Final Master of Magic materialized onto the roof of the Evil Pagoda, and observed as billions of the words miss flashed in front of the wizard's body.

"What the!?" asked the stunned magician. "How did they miss!?"

"I used a 100% evasion potion back on the world of infinity, just in case I ran into any trouble," The Cheating Wizard explained with a smug grin. "Lucky for you, since this is an RPG battle, it will only last for a single turn. Speaking of which, it's time I introduced one of my strongest techniques... +1 Magic!" Immediately after speaking, a grand change swept across his body following a blast of red energy escaping from his trench coat. What these supposedly grand changes were, however, remains to be seen.

With his magical technique now in full effect, his turn came to an abrupt end.

"That's it!?" asked Final Master of Magic. "Knowing you... this is going to be some cheating bullshit!"

"Here... I'll have the narrator explain the delicious details!" the wizard answered with a wild look on his face.

{+1 Magic, as the name obviously suggests, copies the effects of the previous magic used against the user, and simply adds +1 to its name to boost the effects of the skill used. Nothing is above +1 magic, as +2, all the way up to +infinity will have the exact same effect}.

"You cheating bastard!!" said Final Master of Magic after hearing the delicious details. "You plan to use my own magic against me!?"

"No! I plan to use a stronger version of your magic against you!" The Cheating Wizard answered with an amused look.

"You dirty little shit stain... let's see you copy this next magical attack!" Final Master of Magic roared through the air. He pointed the palm of his right hand forward, and instantaneously chanted his next spell. "Surging Inferno Calamity 8!" The magician vanished after initiating his magic, and the lower half of the universe beneath The Cheating Wizard suddenly burst into flames.

Overtime, the flames solidified into a single unit, and now looked as if a sea of lava stretched across the entire universe in nearly every direction. The Evil Pagoda was melted by the heat of the flames, and he was now faced with a rising column of lava in the shape of the lower half of a volcano. As the column of fire slammed into him, it quickly began rising up through space faster than the speed of light. Because of its speed, and the fact that the rising column of lava that pushed against his back grew smaller and pointier, its temperature repeatedly tripled with each passing microsecond {1/1,000,000th of a second, -have fun trying to calculate that with a supercomputer-}.

After being bombarded like this for 10 seconds, the tip of the surging inferno stabbing into his back eventually reached a point where it grew infinitely small. Unfortunately, not even The Cheating Wizard could escape such a predicament unscathed, and he sustained minor damage from the column piercing into his back. It was truly the hottest point of singularity he had ever experienced for as long as he existed.

With the attack finished, both men were returned to the battlefield, where the number 8,888 appeared in front of The Cheating Wizard.

"Hah! I damaged you!" Final Master of Magic pointed out with a look of insanity; which was impossible, considering he had no face.

"Congratulations..." The Cheating Wizard answered with a slight hint of annoyance. "You're the first being in existence to actually draw blood from me." After saying this, he reached his left hand around his trench coat, and pulled it back to the front to reveal his bloodied hand. "But now... it's my turn!"

"Hahaha! Let's see what you got, you cheating wizard!" the mad magician answered him. The Cheating Wizard tightly grasped the blood inside his left fist, and then flowed back and forth through the air a single time before speaking.

"Surging Inferno Calamity 8... +1!" He disappeared from the battlefield after chanting his spell, leaving behind Final Master of Magic to suffer the same attack as he did... only with an additional surprise at the end. The magician was quickly swept up by the rising column of flames, and was blasted through space faster than the speed of light. Everything about the attack seemed to be the same, which included the same rising temperatures from the increasingly pointed column of fire, as well as the fact that the man was stabbed in his back through his solidified lightning-flame cape.

It was after the rising column of beyond infinite heat had pierced through his back, when the +1 effect of The Cheating Wizard's spell kicked in. The tip of the infinitely small column of flames eventually exploded with a cosmic bang while being inside him, so he literally had the force of a singularity blowing up inside his body. Everything in the surrounding space was blasted apart as a result, which signaled the end of The Cheating Wizard's attack at last. As both men were returned to the battlefield, the number 9,999 appeared in front of the Final Master of Magic.

Ordinarily, they would throw insults at each other after sustaining minor damage, but this time... both men simply stared at the other in silence for a brief while.

"Not bad..." said Final Master of Magic, breaking the awkward silence. "But no more fucking around!" he yelled out while reaching both hands above his head while straightening his right knee. "Try to copy this next attack... Shattering Tempest Calamity of Infinity!"

The Cheating Wizard was banished to a dimension of pure darkness after the magician's attack was called out, and he was then subjected to a ridiculously cold temperature. As the seconds ticked by, his body grew increasingly numb with cold, until he realized that the heat from his body was being forcefully pulled out from inside him. After a period of 5 seconds, his internal body temperature lowered to -459.67°F {Absolute Zero}, which was when he froze completely solid. His body tried fighting back even against the absolute cold, but it was subsequently shattered by an enormous blast of wind.

The Cheating Wizard's body was shredded down molecule by molecule, until the countless tiny pieces were blasted across empty space in every direction. As soon as each individual molecule was separated by a total of a million light-years, large blue colored suns appeared out of thin air in front of them, and burned the tiny pieces of The Cheating Wizard's body to a smoldering crisp. Upon entering the atmosphere of the large suns, the intense heat vaporized the tiny smoldering molecules, and completely erased them from existence. Not even that was enough to completely defeat The Cheating Wizard however, so he popped back into existence shortly afterwards, and found himself standing on the RPG battlefield with Final Master of Magic staring him down.

The number 88,888,888 appeared in front of his damaged body, and although it was nowhere close to his maximum HP, he was still slightly injured by the attack nonetheless.

"You survived? I'm impressed!" the magician congratulated him.

"Impressed?" asked The Cheating Wizard with a dangerous tone. "What? You thought impossibly strong magic like that was supposed to kill me? Keep dreaming!"

"Oh, I will! And guess what? The NEXT attack will end you once and for all!" said Final Master of Magic, shifting into his original fighting stance with his arms held to his sides, and his right knee pointed forward while floating slightly above the surface.

"Let's see you survive my next attack, first!" said The Cheating Wizard, shifting back and forth in the air before saying the name of his next spell. "Shattering Tempest Calamity of Infinity... +1!"

This time, it was Final Master of Magic who was instantly sent to the dark dimension, and had the heat sucked out from his body after 10 seconds. Oddly enough, the only sections of his body that remained unfrozen by the absolute zero temperature, were his hands and feet surrounded by the dark energy. The rest of his body was shattered by the enormous blast of wind, and quickly rushed through space faster than the speed of light. After his molecules arrived roughly a million light-years apart, instead of waiting blue suns, the wizard's +1 magic summoned supermassive black holes for each individual molecule.

As small as they already were, the molecules were stretched out of existence as they drew closer and closer to the center of the black holes. Incredibly, the supermassive black holes somehow exploded from the inside out by the magical force of Final Master of Magic's body, to which they then set off a chain reaction of cosmic radiation that swept across the entire universe, and completely destroyed every form of matter in sight. With the RPG realm shattered by the force of The Cheating Wizard's attack, they could no longer return to the top of the Evil Pagoda, and were instead teleported to a random area in deep space. Once the Final Master of Magic appeared back on the empty battlefield, the number 666,666 flashed in front of his body.

"Strange..." said The Cheating Wizard, adjusting his stance to float in the empty space. Final Master of Magic warned the next attack would bring about the end, so to play things safe, for the first time in his life... he actually raised his arms in front of him in a defensive manner. "That attack should have done more damage."

"You fool... you have no idea what this body of mine is capable of!" Final Master of Magic answered with a twisted voice. "You think it was mere coincidence my hands and feet weren't affected by the attack? Think about it!"

"No way... you're getting help from those dark energy beings!?" asked The Cheating Wizard with a shocked look.

"Correct! I made a pact with the dark energy beings, or more specifically... I made a pact with a certain member of the DMGs!"

"Fucking shit!" The Cheating Wizard cried out in a panic.

"Fucking shit is right... 'cause you're fucked!" said the new demonic voice of Final Master of Magic.

"What happened to your voice!?"

"I'm about to use one of my strongest attacks, so my body undergoes certain changes to cope with the incredible rush of power!" Immediately after he spoke, the dark energy being released from his hands and feet intensified, and consumed the remainder of his body. "Deceiving Damsels' Twisting Distress!" he called out with a powerful dark voice. The magician faded into the surrounding darkness after activating his spell, and then an impossible-sized wall of fire was seen speeding towards the wizard's position.

For a supposed wall though, it almost seemed to be jiggling about as it moved forward... what the hell could it be?

{Before moving on to these next attacks, you will need to understand a critical concept. Basically, imagine the universe as being a gigantic bubble, and surrounding the outside of this expansive bubble is a sea of darkness. In the far distance, are other bubbles that seem to shine like a cloud of distant twinkling stars, and an infinite amount of them are spread out throughout an infinitely-sized ocean of darkness. This is what's known as the infiniverse. Of course, there are other names for it, but anything but infiniverse just sounds smaller. Hahahahaaa!}

Approaching from the outside of the universe...

Like the old Deemon Teddy, two identical female beings as large as an old universe were rushing towards the wizard's one from opposite directions. The jiggling he saw before was one of the being's breasts that was about the size of his universe, which jiggled about as the large being carelessly flailed its arms in front of it to the left and right. To anyone viewing them from a distance, it would seem as if naked burning women were doing a very girly run towards the same tiny universe. However, after doing a very girlish run for roughly 7 seconds, they both kicked into high gear at the same time by leaning forward, and then began sprinting towards the target universe with powerful strides for another 5 seconds.

The muscles on their sun-like bodies continuously increased in size as they moved forward through the dark void of space, up until they both reached directly in front of the small universe at the same time; only they were on its left and right sides. To quickly bring each other to a sudden halt, they clasped their universe-sized left hands in the center of The Cheating Wizard's universe, and then activated the flaming sun-rocket engines on their backs to quickly begin twisting around in a counterclockwise rotation. As the tremendous force and heat of their hands squeezed the doomed universe, everything began gathering to the center of their clasped hands, until it looked as if a gamma-ray burst was taking place; only, this particular one was on a universal scale. Of course, The Cheating Wizard was in the center of this cataclysmic attack, so he was bombarded with an incalculable amount of heat and crushing force.

Such a continuously twisting and circling act of violence occurred for another 23 seconds, until the universe-sized hands of the female beings slipped apart at last, to which they continued rocketing back in the original direction from which they came. As they faded away in the sea of darkness off into the distance, it signaled the end of the Final Master of Magic's attack.

Back inside the damaged universe...

888,888,888,888,888,888,888,888,888,888,888,888,888,888 damage appeared in front of The Cheating Wizard's body when everything was brought back to normal, with the minor exception that he was currently supporting his bloodied body on his 2 hands and knees. As Final Master of Magic appeared 15 feet away from him in his usual badass stance, he felt a violent rage building up inside him.

"Oh... I didn't realize we were having that kind of a fight," said The Cheating Wizard, slowly getting up to his trembling feet.

"Cheating Wizard... you continue to impress me with your resilience! Even still, I don't care for useless banter! Hurry up and get your pitiful turn over with!"

"Lucky for you, I can't copy that last attack!" said The Cheating Wizard, suddenly standing tall with renewed energy. "So for shits and giggles, I'll use my own special summon!" After tightly closing his fists, he brought his hands to his sides in a readied position, and then said, "Tormenting Solar Infiniverse Dragon!" Even before he declared the name of his attack, the powerful dragon already entered into existence, and was already beginning to initiate its attack.

Seen from every corner of the infiniverse...

The summoned silver colored metal dragon was far away from their current universe, and was beginning to spread open its endless solar wings. Because there was no end to its spread, the dragon simply began gathering the energy for its attack early on, which meant that it started to absorb every particle of light being pushed from every other universe across the infiniverse. As more and more light was gathered into its solar wings, the energy was transferred through its endless body, until a bright orb of light began forming in front of its endless mouth. Once every remnant particle of light was gathered throughout the entire infiniverse, its body released a brilliant shining white aura, which made it appear as if it was the only star in the sky throughout the endless cosmos.

Upon absorbing the final particles of light captured by its endless solar wings, the orb of light in front of its endless mouth had already grown to the size of a hundred billion elder universes, and was just about ready to be fired in the direction of Final Master of Magic!

Standing inside the doomed universe...

"Hahahahahaa! Bring it bitch!" Final Master of Magic yelled through space. Even from well over a dozen universes away, he was easily able to observe the glow of the gathering of light ready to be fired. In addition to that, he was able to make out the impossibly large dragon filling everything in the sky in every other direction. As if answering his challenge, the light from the dragon's mouth was viewed becoming smaller and smaller, meaning that it had already been fired, and a beam of beyond infinite energy containing the light of the entire infiniverse was speeding towards him.

The Final Master of Magic continued holding his arms out to his sides in a welcoming manner, as if to say "come at me, bro!" to the approaching beam of light. Suddenly, a small tear in space appeared directly in front of him, and out stepped the human-sized version of the god of death and metal... Meta-Loh!

"Hurry! Get in!" the dark energy being quickly commanded.

"What... you're saying I can't survive this!?" Final Master of Magic asked with an angry voice.

"YOU can survive it, but this thing needs to be STOPPED before it destroys the infiniverse!" Meta-Loh explained with a wave of its right hand. "Now go! I'll handle this shit myself!"

"Tsk! Fine... but show them how badass a true member of the DMGs can be! Give them something to remember through the ages!" said Final Master of Magic, flying straight through the dark void created by Meta-Loh.

"Give them something to remember...?" asked Meta-Loh, staring at the approaching beam of light stretching beyond the farthest reaches of space itself. "Hahahahaha! I PLANNED to!"

It summoned its dark energy guitar in front of it, and grabbed hold of it just in time as the universe-sized beam of light slammed into its body. Luckily, it was able to keep it pushed ahead of its body, so the guitar was successfully blocking the main force of the attack. Meta-Loh underestimated the strength and speed of the light however, and began rapidly crashing through several other universes as the light pushed its body back beyond the speed of infinity. After slamming through over a hundred universes in only 12 seconds, its dark energy guitar shattered under the stress of the attack, and for a quick second the beam of light slammed directly into the front of its body.

In a ridiculously badass display of strength, as Meta-Loh's body was being subjected to the universe-sized wall of light, it somehow used its left hand alone to push its body at arm's length away from the light, to which it then began bombarding it with a storm of left and right punches and kicks. As it viciously continued kicking and punching away at the impossibly large wall of light, Meta-Loh began absorbing the surrounding dark energy inside its body, until it had gathered enough energy to form another dark energy guitar. Cracks of light had formed throughout its body due to its desperate attempt at holding back the wall of light, but it was finally ready to make its counterattack now that its prized guitar was in hand.

"HARDCOOOOOOORE! This attack is seriously fucking METAAAAAAL!" said Meta-Loh as it began strumming its guitar with sweeping left and right swings using its right hand. Dark energy shock waves were being released from the guitar following each swing, and as the seconds ticked by, the force of the shock waves were actually beginning to slow down the approaching wall of light. While it was a valiant effort, Meta-Loh's fingers and lower feet were subsequently vaporized by the energy being released from the beam of light, and it was forced to fall onto its knees. In a last ditch effort, it quickly gathered additional dark energy to reform its fingers, and intentionally allowed the wall of light to slam into its dark energy guitar undisturbed this time.

Meta-Loh's thought process was simple... since it could not stop the beam of energy head-on, it will try dispersing its overwhelming power elsewhere!

In another freakishly badass display of strength, Meta-Loh rapidly began spinning its body while holding on to its guitar in a clockwise rotation, and successful gained brief control of the devastating light. If viewed from a top to bottom perspective, it would appear as if the front section of the wall of light was tangled into a tiny hook, which was being used to rapidly spin the remainder of the endless path of light around in wide circular motions; all while continuously moving forward. This action of course twisted the once straightened beam of light into a spiral of light, which effectively began dispersing the bulk of its energy just like the dark energy being had planned. As the spiral of light swept across its path of destruction, due to its twisting path, trillions of other universes were being destroyed by the second.

After spinning around on its knees while strumming away at its guitar for another 8 seconds, the endless beam of light was finally dispersed throughout the infiniverse, and subsequently faded from existence. With the light gone, Meta-Loh stood onto what remained of its lower feet, and slowly began swaying its body to the left and right while holding the dark energy guitar horizontally to its waist. As the cracks of light throughout its body slowly began healing over by the surrounding dark energy, its body began fading away into the darkness of space that surrounded it.

"Fuck yeah! That bitch got DESTROYED!" said Meta-Loh before it completely faded away into the darkness.

Elsewhere...

Final Master of Magic got word of Meta-Loh's successful defense, and exited from the dark void at last. He was returned to his usual badass self, and maintained his battle stance while he awaited The Cheating Wizard's return. Right on cue, the wizard popped into existence 15 feet in front of him, and had a murderous look on his frantic face.

"You're just full of surprises, aren't you?" The Cheating Wizard asked with a wave of his undamaged right hand.

"Likewise! Summoning the Tormenting Solar Infiniverse Dragon was a real dick move on your part," Final Master of Magic answered with a shrug of his magical shoulders. "But with this next attack, you won't be able to stop it even with your cheating magic!"

"Sorry guys!" said a woman's voice from out of nowhere. Both men began looking around in confusion, until a portal opened up between their bodies, and out stepped a woman wearing a red trench coat. In fact... she wore the same clothing as The Cheating Wizard did, and her hair was just as short, yet somehow twice as wild. Her eyes were just as frantic as his were, which only meant one thing...

"Sis...!?" asked The Cheating Wizard with a stunned look.

"You have a sister!?" asked the surprised magician.

"Don't you mean, she has a brother!?" asked the woman with a twisted grin. "Because yes... yes I do! I'm The Cheating Witch!"

"Cheating Witch... Cheating Wizard... is there an entire family of you cheating characters!?" asked Final Master of Magic.

"Nope!" she quickly answered him. "If you see anyone else in a different story with the word cheating before his or her or its name, like, a stupid ass name like The Cheating Warlock... and it's used in the SAME theme, then the writer is just a blatantly copying faggot with no shame that needs to be BRUTALLY DESTROYED!"

"Shots fired!" said Contra, appearing out of thin air to dive in front of her body. The tiny bullets slammed into his muscular chest, and were subsequently erased from existence.

"Nice save, Contra!" she greeted him with a right thumbs up.

"Damn right! I saved the day in the end!" said Contra, returning the thumbs up.

"Sis... what are you doing here?" asked The Cheating Wizard.

"Oh... like I said before, sorry guys!" she said with an innocent look. "But... for the sake of ending Chapter ∞, I'll use my cheating magic to declare your fight a draw!"

"A draw!? After all that!?" asked Final Master of Magic, exiting from his fighting stance at last.

"Are you serious?" The Cheating Wizard asked with a dangerous look. "You can't just show up at the last second and take control of the story... unless-!"

"That's right... brother!" The Cheating Witch interrupted with a wild look on her face. "While the two of you were busy fighting, I already took control of the NEXT story!"

"What!?" asked Contra with a horrified look.

"You cheating bitch!" Final Master of Magic added with a shake of his right fist. Before any of them could launch an attack on her, she quickly teleported ahead into the next story.

"DAMMIT!" The Cheating Wizard yelled out with fury.

In a surprise turn of events, Final Master of Magic, along with The Cheating Wizard will team up with Contra and the others to face off against The Cheating Witch. The one burning question that should be on everyone's mind at this point... is how the hell could she take control of a story not yet written? If you haven't figured it out yet... the answer is, it's because she-

Before the answer was revealed, a magical being sent a threatening letter to the readers and viewers, stating:

Dear beautiful people, or things seeing this message,

Flawless Predator is the most flawless man in all of existence, and he deserves a special mention at the very end of this story. Thank you.

Signed,

F.P

