YOU KNOW, THERE ARE SO MANY BIG
NEWS STORIES EVERY DAY, IT CAN
BE HARD TO KEEP UP WITH THE
ONES I DON'T CARE ABOUT.
BUT TONIGHT, I CARE ABOUT ALL OF
THEM, IN OUR ONGOING SEGMENT
"MEANWHILE."
 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
MEANWHILE, WE'RE ALL LOOKING
FORWARD TO SELF-DRIVING CARS.
NO STEERING WHEEL MEANS THE
COMMUTE WILL BE MUCH MORE
EFFICIENT WHEN WE CAN GIVE EACH
OTHER BOTH MIDDLE FINGERS.
 (  LAUGHTER  )
WELL, RESEARCHERS HAVE BEEN
STUDYING THE POTENTIAL EFFECTS
OF AUTONOMOUS VEHICLES AND HAVE
COME TO THE CONCLUSION THAT
"SELF-DRIVING CARS WILL BE USED
FOR SEX."
 (  LAUGHTER  )
THAT'S GREAT NEWS, LADIES.
MEN REFUSE TO ASK FOR
DIRECTIONS, BUT MAYBE THE CAR
CAN TELL THEM WHERE IT IS.
 (  LAUGHTER  )
DID-- I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT
JOKE-- I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT
JOKE MEANS.
I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THAT JOKE
MEANS.
BUT DID WE REALLY NEED A STUDY
FOR THIS?
LET ME SAVE YOU SOME SCIENCE: IF
YOU MAKE A VEHICLE, PEOPLE ARE
GOING TO HAVE SEX IN IT.
"WE'RE RESEARCHING THE EFFECTS
OF BUILDING A HYDROGEN-POWERED
HOVERCRA-- THEY'RE GONNA BONE IN
IT!"
 (  LAUGHTER  )
EVEN THE RESEARCHERS THEMSELVES
ADMIT THAT SEX IN THESE CARS IS
AN OBVIOUS CONCLUSION, SAYING
"IT'S NOT A BIG LEAP."
IT IS IF YOU'RE DOING IT RIGHT.
 (  LAUGHTER  )
 ( APPLAUSE )
MINE THE GAP.
MEANWHILE, VICTORIA'S SECRET
IS IN SOME HOT WATER.
IN AN INTERVIEW WITH "VOGUE"
MAGAZINE, CHIEF MARKETING
OFFICER ED RAZEK, WAS ASKED
WHY THE LINGERIE LINE DIDN'T
INCLUDE ANY TRANSGENDER OR
PLUS-SIZED MODELS.
HE RESPONDED "THAT TRANS AND
PLUS-SIZE WOMEN DO NOT
EXEMPLIFY THE 'FANTASY' THAT
VICTORIA'S SECRET IS TRYING TO
SELL."
HMMM, I THOUGHT THE ONLY FANTASY
VICTORIA'S SECRET SOLD WAS THE
IDEA THAT LACE THONGS FROM A
DISCOUNT BIN ARE A GOOD IDEA.
 (  LAUGHTER  )
RAZEK EXPLAINED THAT PLUS-SIZED
LINGERIE IS AVAILABLE AT OTHER
STORES, AND AT VICTORIA'S
SECRET, "WE MARKET TO WHO WE
SELL TO."
SURE, THAT'S WHY EVERY VICTORIA
SECRET IN AMERICA IS OVERRUN
WITH 5'10" WOMEN STRUGGLING TO
FIT THEIR WINGS THROUGH THE
DRESSING ROOM DOORS.
 (  LAUGHTER  )
MEANWHILE, ACCORDING TO SCIENCE,
"IT'S FALL, WHICH MEANS IT'S
TIME FOR GONORRHEA."
 (  LAUGHTER  )
OKAY--
 (  LAUGHTER  )
GOD, PLEASE TELL ME THAT RED
COLOR IS TREES.
I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING,
YOU'RE THINKING, "ALREADY?
I JUST PUT AWAY LAST FALL'S
GONORRHEA."
APPARENTLY, NEW RESEARCH
SUGGESTS "ALL INFECTIOUS
DISEASES MIGHT BE SEASONAL."
WELL, THAT'S WHY THEY SAY, IF
THE GROUNDHOG SEES HIS SHADOW,
SIX MORE WEEKS OF HERPES.
 (  LAUGHTER  )
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH RACHEL
