 
Derailed

Alyssa Rose Ivy

Copyright © 2012 Alyssa Rose Ivy

Smashwords Edition, License Notes

This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you're reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return it to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thanks you for respecting the hard work of this author.

Cover Design: Once Upon a Time Covers

Other Books by Alyssa Rose Ivy

Veer (Clayton Falls)

Wrecked (Clayton Falls)

The Hazards of Skinny Dipping (Hazards)

Shaken Not Stirred (Mixology)

Flight (The Crescent Chronicles #1)

Focus (The Crescent Chronicles #2)

Found (The Crescent Chronicles #3)

Soar (The Empire Chronicles #1)

Beckoning Light (The Afterglow Trilogy #1)

Perilous Light (The Afterglow Trilogy #2)

Enduring Light (The Afterglow Trilogy #3)

www.AlyssaRoseIvy.com

www.facebook.com/AlyssaRoseIvy

twitter.com/AlyssaRoseIvy

AlyssaRoseIvy@gmail.com

To the girl whose smile could light up a room, I'll never forget you.

Acknowledgements

As always, this book would not have been possible without the support of my family. Thank you especially to Grant for your continued and constant encouragement and faith in my writing. Thanks to Jennifer Snyder for being both a great friend and writing partner. Thanks to Karen Allen of Red Adept for a fantastic editing experience. Thanks to all of the bloggers who have helped spread the word about my books, and of course, thank you to all of my readers for giving me the opportunity to share my stories with you.
Prologue

The message was only three words, but his failure to respond had changed everything. I need you... Too emotional to speak, I'd stopped at three words. The words were true. I did need him. I needed his arms around me and his reassurances that I'd be okay, that it wasn't my fault. He hadn't heard his phone, or so he told me that August when he pleaded over and over with me to forgive him. I couldn't forgive him. My anger was the only thing keeping me from hating myself.

Chapter One

I used to love May: the heat and the promise of a long and limitless summer. I'd count down the last weeks of April with excitement, ready for my favorite time of year. The May of my first, and only, year of law school was different. It brought the craving for change—and the need to escape.

I remember the exact moment I decided to quit law school. It was during contracts only a week before spring exams. The end of my 1L year was in sight, and I should have been excited. My first semester grades placed me firmly in the top 25% of the class, and finishing first year meant I was getting ready to pass a milestone I'd thought about for years. Of course, I should have also been getting ready for an even bigger milestone: my wedding.

"Ms. Sander, would you care to enlighten us on why the court found the agreement unenforceable?" Professor Willis's booming bass voice reverberated off the oak-paneled walls of the lecture hall.

My head snapped up when I heard my name. I'd been reading a website on my laptop and could feel the blood rushing to my face, aware that everyone in the room was probably staring at me. I tried to pull up the case brief I'd cut and pasted from Westlaw that morning. It had been months since I'd bothered to brief a case myself. Instead, I'd been relying on the generic commercial ones our professors had warned us to avoid. My screen froze, and I was out of time. I struggled to remember what unit we were even on. "Lack of consideration?" I half asked.

"If you didn't bother to read the case, why did you bother to come to class?" The professor sneered, and I heard light laughter behind me. Traitors. Like I was the only one who didn't do the reading. I'd spent almost every day of the past nine months with these people, yet they made a joke out of me at the first chance.

"That's a good question and one I don't have the answer to." I slammed my laptop shut and stuffed it into my backpack, slinging one strap over my shoulder. I picked up my case book and slipped past a roomful of stunned faces as I headed to the door.

"Where do you think you're going, Ms. Sander?"

I paused to think over the question. "I don't actually know."

This time the laugher wasn't light. It was loud enough that I could still hear it after the door swung closed behind me.

"Molly! Wait up!" Becca's heels echoed off the tiled floor of the hallway. I stopped, but didn't turn around. She didn't waste any time, placing a gentle hand on my shoulder as soon as she reached me. "What was that all about? Are you doing okay?"

The genuine concern on Becca's face mingled with exhaustion from trying to balance a full school schedule with taking care of her ailing mother. I felt a surge of guilt—the only thing I seemed to feel anymore. "You don't need to worry about me, but I'm done."

"Done? What do you mean?" She pushed a stray piece of dark hair behind her ear.

"I can't do this anymore. I can't pretend to care about meaningless cases or that I have any interest in being an attorney." I sighed; it felt good to say it out loud for once.

"You don't have to actually practice law. There are so many other things you can do with a law degree." She sounded so hopeful and confident; I hated knowing I was going to hurt her.

"You sound like a career services pamphlet." Even I could hear the bitterness in my voice.

"You aren't really going to quit, are you? We're almost done with first year. It's all easier from here on out." Her voice was soft, but there was some real desperation in it. We were each other's closest friends, and I knew it scared her to watch me go.

In theory she was right, but after watching my fiancé Adam stress over making law review, getting the best evaluations from his summer associate positions, and finally land the big firm job, I knew there was still a bumpy ride ahead. I decided to keep the thoughts to myself. No reason to burden her. "I have to do what's right for me." Saying the words made me feel bad. I knew I played right into her weak spot. Becca had to be the most supportive person I knew.

"Okay then, at least finish the semester and take your exams. Then you can take a leave of absence and decide if you want to come back in a year." It was just like Becca to come up with the reasonable response.

I understood why she suggested it. I was usually a very rational person, or at least I had been for the past five years. But little by little, the reasonable, rational adult mask I wore fell off, and the unbalanced, risk taking kid showed her face.

"I can't. I'm done." I crossed my arms, both out of habit and to warm myself against the air blasting down from the air conditioning vent.

"You mean right now? Like you are walking out that door and not coming back?"

"Yes." As sudden as the decision was, it wasn't one I questioned. I'd made up my mind when I walked out of the classroom.

Becca hugged me, leaning down to pull me close. Even without heels, she towered over my five foot three. "I wish I could help you. I wish I knew how to make it better." I appreciated that she knew me well enough to know this wasn't an idle threat. I was leaving.

"You've already done so much." It was true. Becca had been there for me when, only days before Thanksgiving, I'd gotten the call that brought me to my knees. She had already proven herself an amazing friend through all of undergrad, but she'd taken it to new heights that year.

"What are you going to do? Where are you going to go?"

She knew without me telling her that I was leaving Boston. Without school, there was officially nothing left for me in the city.

"I don't know." I hadn't thought that far ahead, but I went with the first idea that popped into my head. "I'll probably go home for a while."

"Home? You mean to North Carolina?"

"Yeah... My mom's not there, so the house is just sitting empty. It could work."

"Are you sure an empty house is a good idea for you..." she trailed off, likely noticing the telltale signs that I was about to snap at her.

"It's not any worse than an empty apartment. At least I don't have memories of Adam there." Of course, lots of other memories waited for me, but they weren't quite as new or raw.

"Okay. I know there is no way I'm going to change your mind, so I'm going to go ahead and give you my blessing."

I cracked a smile. "Your blessing?"

"You know what I mean. Maybe this will be what you need. Maybe you'll finally heal. Promise to stay in touch? You'll call me?"

"Of course I will. I'm not leaving the country; it's just a different state." It was my turn to hug her. I had trouble letting go.

She wiped away tears, smearing some of her mascara. "I love ya, Molly."

"I love you too."

I made myself continue down the hallway before I could take a look back at my friend and lose it completely. I had a fleeting thought of trying to return my casebooks to the bookstore for some cash—lord knew I needed the money—but I didn't have the strength. I threw my contracts book in the trash, enjoying the thud it made when it hit the bottom of the empty barrel. Putting the second strap of my backpack on my back, I headed out the door for the very last time.

Chapter Two

Clayton Falls looked exactly the same as it always did when I turned off the interstate. The old highway leading into town was desolate as usual, and I knew that, without my headlights, I'd be in pitch blackness.

I rolled down my windows and drove through town slowly; I wasn't in the mood to piss off the local police. I probably went to school with half the department. I could already smell the ocean. The thick scent of salt reminded me that I was really back home. I felt a sudden surge of adrenalin. My eyes no longer drooped.

I turned into the new traffic circle, 'new' being a relative term since it had been installed ten years before. Where I came from, anything that hadn't been there when you were born was new. I turned left and drove around the town square. I studied the closed storefronts, wondering if the same people still owned them. It had been years since I'd been back. Yellow-tinted lights illuminated the grassy median, revealing that the graduating class had already gone to work on the statue of our town's founder. With an animal print bikini top, large sunglasses, and a swim cap, the makeover wasn't particularly original, but it was still funny. I passed the square, into a more residential area of town.

With some trepidation, I pulled into the driveway of my childhood home. The dark windows reminded me how empty it was. When I'd called my mom to tell her I was going to stay for a while, she warned me the house might not be in good shape. She hadn't been home in over a year, not since my sister Shayna had her second baby. Parking in the blacktop driveway, I grabbed my purse and one small bag from the passenger seat before heading to the faded yellow front door.

Inserting my key, I pushed open the door, flipping on lights before closing and locking the door behind me. I'd get the rest of my bags in the morning. Even hundreds of miles from Boston, I still had the city security mentality. I'd bet a lot that half my neighbors never bothered to lock their homes. Clayton Falls wasn't exactly a hotbed for crime.

I took the steps two at a time, eager to collapse onto the twin bed of my childhood. Maybe it would be easier to sleep in a bed meant for just one. The nameplate on the door displayed "Molly" in bright pink, still my favorite color. I smiled slightly before pushing open the door.

The pink and blue quilt called to me, and I answered, curling up into a ball with one of my favorite teddy bears. With only the light brown bear to witness, I let out the tears I had held in for the entire drive. The grief wasn't new. Months had passed since Adam died, but it never seemed to get easier. I knew from experience how impossible it was to get over the sudden death of someone you loved. I also knew that I would never escape the guilt that ate away at me every second of every day.

I pulled myself off the bed long enough to unpack my toiletries and went to the small bathroom I used to share with my sister. Just as I got ready to turn on the water for a hot shower, I heard a knock on the front door.

Groaning, I climbed back downstairs. Looking out the front window, I noticed the red Lancer belonging to my childhood best friend in the driveway. Opening the door, I tried to plaster on a smile.

"Molly! Oh my god, it's really you!" Kelly pulled me into a hug, nearly squashing me.

"Kelly, wow. How'd you know I was home? I just got here twenty minutes ago."

"Tom heard a call about a disturbance at your address, and your mom already called to say you were coming, so I put two and two together." Kelly's brown eyes lit up when she mentioned her boyfriend's name. It still seemed funny to me that my former partner in crime was in love with a cop.

"My mom called you?" I wasn't actually surprised; it was just like my mom to go over my head in a misguided attempt to help.

"Yeah, she's obviously worried. Anyway, aren't you going to invite me in?"

"Sorry, come in." I opened the door wider and moved to let her pass.

Kelly led the way into the kitchen, flipping on a light before flopping down in a chair the way only someone who has spent considerable time in a house would do.

"I told Tom we'd meet him in an hour over at Gill's."

"Gill's? You actually hang out there now?" I couldn't picture my friends at the local bar. Growing up, we'd viewed the place as a hangout for old people.

She laughed. "I forget you haven't been back to town in so long. We all hang out there."

"Oh. Well, I don't know. I've been driving all day, but I guess I could run over for a little bit. I just need to get some stuff from the car and get ready." Beer sounded like enough motivation to get me moving.

Kelly followed me back through the house, out to my car, and helped me lug in some bags.

"So it's really happening, huh? You're moving back?" She struggled to drag a large duffel up the front steps. I put down my bag inside the door and went out to help her.

"Not permanently, just until I figure out what the hell I'm doing with my life." We moved back into the kitchen. I opened the fridge and freezer even though I knew they'd be empty. Some habits are hard to break.

"Well, take your time then. No need to rush." She smiled.

"I'm not in a rush, there's nowhere to rush to." I leaned against the kitchen counter, not ready to sit again.

Kelly picked at her nails, a nervous habit she'd had for as long as I could remember. "I need to talk to you about something."

I braced myself for bad news, not sure I could handle more. "All right."

"Tom proposed a few weeks ago." She peeked up at me from under a fringe of light brown bangs.

"Wow, congratulations, that's wonderful!" I went through the motions, hugging her and admiring her ring.

"It's good timing that you're here. It will make it easier for you to do your maid of honor duties."

"Maid of honor? Wow."

"Of course. I mean I was going to be yours..." She trailed off. Kelly and Tom were the only people in town who knew about Adam. I'd made her swear not to tell anyone with the exception of Tom. She told her boyfriend—or now fiancé—everything.

"It's okay. I've accepted it. But if you've been engaged a few weeks, why didn't you call?"

"It's just that we have to do it this summer because it's the only time I can get enough time off." Kelly taught third grade at Bayview Elementary, the same school we went to as kids. "And, um, there was only one date available at the church—July fifteenth."

"Oh. Well, it's not like I have plans that day now." I tried to force a smile, but I'm sure it was less than convincing.

"I'm really sorry. And if it's too much for you, we can—"

"No, it's a great date. It doesn't upset me." I tried to wrap my head around the idea that Kelly was getting married on the same day I was supposed to. It was as though we'd switched places.

"All right, good. I can't wait to tell Tom. He kept pushing me to call you."

"If you're serious about wanting to go out, I should get in a quick shower and change." I needed to get away from Kelly before I lost it.

"All right, I'll wait down here."

People sometimes say things like "I had no more tears left to cry," but that's a bunch of crap. I'd been crying almost every night for months, and the supply was still working fine. Miraculously, the batteries in the old shower radio functioned, and it helped ensure that Kelly wouldn't suspect a thing. I was supposed to be the strong one, the unbreakable one, and there was no reason to let her see just how far I'd fallen. By the time I shut off the water, I'd composed myself.

I came back downstairs, my wet blond hair pulled into a messy bun. I didn't have time to dry it.

"How are you doing, Molly, for real?" Kelly looked up from her cell phone as I walked back into the kitchen. It didn't look like she had moved.

"I'm fine."

"Stop lying to your best friend. No offense, but you don't look like yourself. When's the last time you ate, or slept for that matter?" The worry was back.

"I ate some food on the road, and I sleep when I can."

"You know there are pills you can take to help with that."

"I don't need sleeping pills. I'm doing fine; it was just a long drive." Evidently, I was going to have to do a better job covering up the evidence of my quasi-insomnia. I realized that the concealer at the bottom of my toiletry bag might have a new life.

"If you say so. I'm here if you need me."

"Thanks. I appreciate the offer, but I don't want you worrying about me. You have a wedding to plan."

I put on some strappy sandals, wondering if my well-worn jeans and fitted black t-shirt would stand out. I figured people wouldn't dress up to hang out at a place like Gill's.

I slid into the passenger seat of Kelly's car. "Are you sure I shouldn't take my own car? I don't know how long I want to stay."

"I'll drive you home whenever you're ready. You've been driving all day. You need a break."

"I can't argue with that."

Gazing out the window, I watched the town, my town. Every block held memories, the only memories I had without Adam. Unfortunately, even those memories hurt.
Chapter Three

A large, worn metal sign announced that we'd reached Gill's. Kelly squeezed her car into a small spot right out front. She gave me a reassuring smile. I fought down some nerves. I'd been back in town just twice since graduating, and I'd managed to avoid seeing anyone but a handful of friends. This time wasn't going to be so easy.

We walked into the smoky bar, and I took in my surroundings. I'd only been inside a few times when I was allowed to come watch bands play when I was in high school. An L shaped bar dominated one side, while tables and a small stage filled the rest of the space.

I followed Kelly to the bar and took a seat.

"Well, isn't that a sight for sore eyes!" Ronny, one of my sister's high school friends, slammed his beer on the counter and barreled over to me. He picked me up off my stool and spun me around. "What are you doing in this neck of the woods, kid? Aren't you supposed to be in law school or something?"

"Yeah, that didn't work out. I came home to figure things out, you know?"

"You don't have to explain anything, Molly." Tom hugged me after kissing Kelly hello. Five years older than me, Tom had also gone to school with Shayna. I was more than a little surprised when he started dating Kelly when we were in college, but then again, Adam had been three years older than me.

"So you're out of uniform tonight, huh?" I took the beer Tom offered. I nodded to a guy I had graduated with, but never really talked to. It didn't look like that was about to change.

"Hey, I might not be on duty, but don't get any ideas. I can still arrest you."

I held up my hands in defense. "I'll be good."

"Don't promise what you can't deliver, hon. A few years away can't have changed you that much. I know all about your past crimes."

I cringed. "I'm reformed."

"Oh no, you don't. What you need is some fun." Kelly smiled, tossing her wavy hair off her shoulder.

Tom's smile faded, replaced by a more serious expression. "So how are you holding up, Molly? You look good."

"Don't lie. I look awful. Your fiancé already made sure I knew that. But I'm doing fine."

"Fiancé? So you told her, Kelly?"

"Yup, my maid of honor is on board." Kelly beamed, and Tom kissed her. Way too much PDA for me.

"By the way, you couldn't look awful if you tried." Ronny scooted his stool closer to me.

"Thanks. You really know how to boost a girl's confidence."

"I can do a lot more than that." He wriggled an eyebrow.

"I'll keep that in mind." I smiled at Ronny's playfulness. "But isn't there a special someone who would come after me?"

"Nope, I'm as single as they come. Surprising, I know."

"Shocking." I took a few swallows of beer, enjoying the bitterness on my tongue. It actually surprised me that Ronny was single. From what I knew, he was a successful insurance agent, and he certainly wasn't bad looking.

"What about you? I heard a rumor someone was getting married."

I hesitated for a moment. This was it, the first time someone had asked the million dollar question. "No, no wedding."

"Oh. Did I hear wrong, or did you decide you didn't want his sorry ass?"

"He left me, actually." It wasn't a complete lie. He was the one who'd left.

"Wow, what an idiot."

Tom threw me a look over Ronny's head. I hoped Kelly had given him the order to keep his mouth shut.

"Well, his loss, I guess." Ronny gave me a sympathetic glance, and I was definitely glad to be hiding the truth. Sympathy for being spurned was better than sympathy for him dying. Much better. People broke up all the time; most didn't have their fiancé die in his twenties.

"Well, look what the cat dragged in."

My chest tightened as Jake Mathews stumbled over to us. He was obviously drunk, but that did nothing to play down his boyish good looks. Although not nearly as attractive as his older brother Ben, he looked eerily like him, and his brother was the last person I wanted to see.

"Watch it, Mathews," Tom warned as Jake took a seat a few stools down from me.

"Let's get a table." Kelly took my hand as if to emphasize the point.

"Good idea." I let her tow me along.

I pulled out a chair and sat between Ronny and Kelly at a small table in the corner, hoping Jake wouldn't decide to follow. I wasn't that lucky.

Straddling a backward chair, he sat down directly across from me. "What's made you decide to grace us with your presence?"

"Mathews," Tom growled this time.

"Can't I ask the girl a question? If she'll just answer me, I'll leave her alone." He talked as if we were virtual strangers, and even though his behavior wasn't unexpected, it still stung.

"I'm back in town for a while. What else do you need to know?" I drank the last drops of my beer and placed it down on the table in front of me.

"When are you leaving? It can't be soon enough."

I braced myself on my chair as I felt tears threaten. I hated how emotional I'd become.

"All right, that's enough." Tom stood up, grabbed Jake's arm, and towed him away from the table. Even over the chatter of customers and the music, I heard the rest of their conversation. "Leave Molly alone. She has enough to deal with without your crap. You got it?" Tom looked ready to punch him.

"What's she got to deal with? Finally realizing how much of a bitch she is? She has some nerve coming back here after what she did to Ben." Jake crossed his arms over his chest as if he couldn't care less what Tom threatened him with.

"What she did to Ben? She broke up with him, and she had every right to do it. She can't help that he flipped out over it."

"She nearly destroyed him. She nearly fucking destroyed him."

My chest tightened again. This was exactly what I didn't need to hear.

Tom, likely realizing I could hear every word Jake said, pulled him further away, and I lost the rest of the conversation.

Ronny slid an arm around my shoulder. "Don't let him get to you. Ben's a big boy. He doesn't need his little brother mouthing off for him."

I shifted in my seat. "I can't imagine Ben even cares about that anymore. It was five years ago."

"Five years is a long time." Kelly's casual voice made me doubt the sincerity of her words.

"Are the Grizzlies playing tonight?" Ronny asked.

"Wait, they're still together?" Kelly hadn't mentioned Ben or his band in a long time, and I'd never been the one to ask after him.

Kelly bit her lip. "Yeah, same as always. And no, they aren't here tonight; I think they're playing tomorrow." She watched me, waiting to see my response.

I let out a breath I hadn't realized I was holding. There was no way I could handle watching Ben play tonight—or possibly ever. I wasn't sure how I was going to avoid him in a town the size of Clayton Falls, but I hoped my stay would be short enough that it wouldn't be too big of a problem.

"I need another beer. Should I grab this round?" I started to push out my chair.

"Don't worry about it; I've got the next one." Ronny put a hand on my shoulder letting me know to stay put.

I nodded, not in the mood to argue. Tom came back over to the table, thankfully without Jake.

"I'm sorry about that, Mol. I guess some things never change."

"It's not your fault, but I appreciate you stepping in."

"Of course. We're here for you."

"Trust me. I'd make Tom sorry if he didn't take care of it." Kelly grinned.

Ronny returned to the table with a round of beers, and I quickly downed mine, waiting for the two beer buzz to hit me. I had my drinking down. One did nothing, two gave me a buzz, and the third started pushing me into numbness territory, the place I liked to be.

"Hey, guys, mind if I join you?" The man looked to be in his late twenties. He was incredibly tall and broad with dark hair. I definitely hadn't seen him before.

"Hey, man, take a seat." Tom gestured to the table.

Flipping around the chair that Jake had vacated, he sat down. "Hi there, I don't think we've met." He held out his hand. "I'm Gavin."

I accepted the firm handshake that lasted a moment longer than it needed to. "Molly."

"This is the friend of Kelly's I was telling you about," Tom broke in.

"I see. You're the maid of honor who's been living in Boston." Gavin checked me out as best he could with me sitting right there at the table. He evidently liked what he saw, as his perusal ended with a satisfied grin.

"Gavin's been my partner for two years now," Tom explained.

"So you're a cop too." I smiled, eyeing the bar, contemplating how long I needed to wait before it was socially acceptable to get another beer.

"Is that a good thing or a bad thing?" he asked flirtatiously, and I decided it was time to get up.

"My turn to buy; anyone want?" I stood up before Ronny could stop me again.

"I'll go with you." Ronny's clinginess surprised me, but I didn't mind it. It was just Ronny acting big brotherly.

"I'll take another," Tom called. "But no more for Kelly if she's driving home."

"Oh, so now you decide for me?" Kelly pouted.

"Honey, I've been deciding for you since before you were legal."

"Fine. See, Molly, aren't you glad you didn't drive?"

"Sure."

"You want anything, Gavin?" I asked.

"No, I'm fine." He held up his beer as evidence.

Heading to the bar, Ronny pulled me close to him. "It's good to have you home."

"Thanks. It's good to be home... I think."

He laughed. "You haven't been back long. Give it some time."

A light voice pulled my attention. "Molly? I thought that was you." So, Katie was bartending at Gill's. Not too surprising.

"Yeah, I'm back."

"So, can I see it?"

"See what?" I asked with confusion.

"The ring, dummy. I bet it's a gorgeous rock."

"Oh. Well, I don't have it anymore." I looked at the faint tan line on my left ring finger. I'd taken off the ring the night of Adam's funeral. I couldn't bear to look at it anymore, to think about the future we'd never have.

"Oh. I'm sorry. That must suck." Good old Katie, she never did have a filter to stop her from putting her foot in her mouth.

"It's fine. Could we get three Millers?"

"Sure, but we'll have to get together sometime soon, okay? And don't worry, you'll find yourself a new man. Heck, Ben's still single. Maybe the two of you can work things out." Katie always meant well, but she also loved matchmaking. Throwing Ben's name in the mix only stacked the cards against her if she actually wanted to catch up.

I slipped a ten on the bar and took a beer, leaving Ronny to take the other two.

Gavin started chatting me up again the second I returned to my seat. "So, is it nice to be out of the big city? I'm sure it was a little overwhelming for a small town girl like you."

"Maybe when I first went, but I lived in Boston for almost five years."

"True, but don't they always say you can take the girl out of the country, but you can't take the country out of the girl?"

"Are you a country boy then?" I hoped the conversation would shift off of me.

"I'm from Georgia actually. Augusta."

"Oh, what brought you to Clayton Falls?"

"Looking for a change and a beach."

"Yeah, the water's nice." I smiled.

"We'll have to head down to the beach together sometime." It was a statement and not a question.

"Maybe." I turned my attention to my beer, reaching the half-way point, drifting into my comfort zone.

"So, are you staying with your parents?" Gavin asked.

"At my mom's house, but she's living in Seattle with my sister and her family right now. My sister works long hours in her residency—as does her husband—so Mom's helping with the kids." I left out the part about my mom needing distance from the town as much as I did.

"Oh, all right. How does it feel to be back?"

"It's weird to be here by myself, but I'm sure I'll get used to it. Where are you living?"

"I've got a place over on Maple. It's not much, just a two bedroom, but it's fine because it's only me." There he went, trying to emphasize his availability. "It does have a fantastic view, though."

"Great." I hoped the one word responses let him know I wasn't interested. He was an attractive guy, but I wasn't in the state of mind to even play the dating game.

I drained the last of my beer and settled back in my seat. Part of me wanted another, but I knew it'd be getting into drunk territory, and I couldn't do that at Gill's. At least not yet.

"Kelly, is there any way you could give me a ride home?" I asked.

"Oh, sure. I'll take you home and then swing back."

"How about I take you home? I was thinking about leaving as well," Gavin offered.

I shot a pleading look at Kelly, hoping she caught it.

She did. "It's not a problem. On second thought, I might head home myself."

"If you're sure." Gavin didn't hide his disappointment, and I wondered if he actually thought something was going to happen between us.

"Good night, everyone." I stood up and pushed in my chair.

"Night. Don't be a stranger." Ronny smiled.

"It was great meeting you. I'm sure I'll see you again real soon." Gavin also stood.

"Bye, see you at home, Kelly." Tom kissed her.

I caught a few words of conversation from the table as we headed to the door.

"Damn, you're right; she's gorgeous."

I turned around to catch Gavin staring at my ass. Wonderful.

We got into the car and took off toward my house.

"Thanks for taking me home."

"No problem, hon. I could tell you didn't want a ride from Gavin."

"Not a chance."

"Yeah, he was coming on pretty strong. Tom's convinced you two are going to hit it off and end up together. You know, his partner with my best friend. Maid of honor and best man, as cliché as it gets."

"Fantastic."

"Tom knows you probably aren't ready to date yet, so I promise he didn't set up tonight... but he probably would have done it soon anyway."

"It's okay, but it isn't going to happen."

"I didn't think so."

I laughed. "I'm that obvious?"

"No, but if you are getting together with anyone in this town, it's Ben."

"Oh come on, you know that's not happening. Besides, he hates me."

Kelly pulled the car to a stop behind my Civic.

"He doesn't hate you. You hurt him, but he still has feelings for you."

I paused with my hand on the door handle. "How would you even know that?"

"He still writes songs about you."

"How do you know they're about me?"

"They are. Trust me. How many blond haired, blue eyed girls have stolen his heart?"

"Well, it doesn't matter; I'm hoping to avoid him."

"You do realize how impossible that is, right?"

"Maybe, maybe not."

"Okay, be delusional." She unbuckled her seatbelt and reached over to pull me into a hug. "I'm glad you're home. Call me if you need me, okay?"

"I will."

I got out of the car and to the front door, glad I had the three beers to protect me from the loneliness of stepping into an empty home.
Chapter Four

His arms reached out for me as he struggled to keep his head above water. "I need you, Molly, I need you!" His anguished cries pierced me. I fought to reach him. It was like some invisible hook had me and wouldn't let me jump in after him. If I could only free myself from the hook's hold, I'd be able to save him. His head disappeared into the water just as the hook released me and sent me plummeting into the cold abyss.

I woke up screaming and covered in sweat. Confused by the complete darkness, I felt around, trying to figure out where I was. As my eyes adjusted, I remembered I was in my childhood bedroom. I was home. The red numbers on the digital clock read 4:15, and I knew I wouldn't be getting anymore sleep.

Digging through a suitcase, I found a sports bra, tank, and shorts. I tied up my running shoes before heading out the front door into the still dark morning.

I ran toward the beach, taking the route I'd always taken back when I lived at home. Running in the dark felt strange at first, so different from the constant light of the city. I liked knowing I was nearly invisible.

I couldn't shake the dream. Even the pounding of the waves failed to drown it out. I kept seeing Adam's face, his pleading eyes, and the helplessness in his voice. My feet hit the sand, and I tried to concentrate on the way the wind felt on my face. Only two miles in, I sank down, unable to run through the pain. The tightness in my chest threatened to suffocate me as I leaned back onto the damp sand. Closing my eyes, I silently begged for relief.

"Are you okay? Miss, are you hurt?" The voice startled me, and I sat up too quickly, feeling dizzy. My hands moved through the grainy sand. The rising sun told me I had fallen asleep on the beach.

I searched around for the source of the voice, but still disoriented, I accepted the outstretched hand before finding the face.

"Molly?"

"Oh, Mr. Mathews." I couldn't believe it. In town less than twelve hours and I'd been found passed out on the beach by my ex-boyfriend's father.

"Are you okay, sweetie?" He dropped my hand, but stayed close.

"Yeah, I must have fallen asleep. I'm sorry to have worried you."

"I'm just glad you're okay." His brow wrinkled with concern. "I didn't know you were home. Is your mom here too?"

"No, it's just me."

"Oh. Just taking a break before the big day then?"

Big day? It took me a minute to realize he was talking about the wedding. "Oh, no. That's not happening."

"I'm sorry to hear that, but I'm glad to see you. Does Ben know you're in town?"

"No... I don't think so; well, unless Jake told him." I held in a groan, remembering his less than amicable reception.

"You should give him a call, I'm sure he'd love to see you."

I shook my head. "I doubt that. I'm pretty sure he hates me."

"Ben could never hate you. I know my son enough to assure you of that." He smiled.

"I have seen Jake though... at Gill's last night."

"Ah, now I see. Don't listen to anything Jake says, especially if he's been drinking. He's always been particularly defensive of Ben, even though he's the younger one."

"I remember."

"Are you sure you're all right? I'm just heading over to the marina, but I can call someone."

"I'm fine. I promise."

"Okay, but don't be a stranger. I know Mary would love to have you over for dinner or brunch. And call Ben."

"Aren't you going to tell him I'm here?"

He smiled. "No, I think I'll let you do that yourself. It's good to see you, Molly."

"You too." I waved goodbye before jogging toward home.

***

I needed a job. The student loan money I had left for the semester wouldn't carry me forever, but even more than that, I needed something to keep me busy. As much as I hated law school, it had given me something else to concentrate on. Left to its own devices, my mind was a dangerous place.

I scoured the kitchen for something to eat. Thankfully I found some coffee and put on a pot before heading upstairs for a shower. I let the hot water run over me for slightly longer than necessary, not ready to face an empty day. Coming back to Clayton Falls had seemed like a good idea when I was still in Boston, but once I got there, I started to doubt it. I could have gone out to Seattle, but I didn't want to face my mom or my perfect sister and her perfect family. They'd just worry about me, try to get me to see someone, and mostly try to convince me not to feel so guilty. It's easy for someone to say that when they weren't the cause of the deaths of two of the most important people in their lives.

As the dark thoughts settled in, I turned off the water, dried myself, and got dressed in my usual uniform of a jean skirt and tank top. Some girls have 20 pairs of jeans. I had 20 jean skirts in assorted colors and styles. It had started out as a statement in high school, one I never outgrew. Adam used to make fun of me, but all I had to do was threaten to stop wearing skirts entirely, and he'd shut up. For such a straight-laced conservative boy, he had a weakness for exposed skin—at least on me. Becca said it was his form of rebellion, but that was probably just her psychology major side talking. I think he was just a guy who liked to have a girl who looked sexy.

The hot coffee helped wake me, but my stomach still demanded food. Jumping in my car, I drove the few blocks to the square, hoping to kill two birds with one stone: food and a job. The only place to do that was Marney's.

Marney's café wasn't actually owned by a Marney. Kind of like how there were no falls in Clayton Falls. I guess a Marney might have worked there at one time, but for as long as I remembered, Gail, a perpetually upbeat 70-something-year-old had run it.

"Can I help you?" Gail never lifted her eyes off her paper.

"I don't know, can you?"

She looked up, brushing some silver hair from her face. "Molly! What are you doing here?" She threw down the paper and ran out from behind the counter. "And why do you look so skinny? Isn't that boyfriend of yours feeding you?" She gave me a bone crunching hug that seemed surprising coming from someone with her slight frame.

I swallowed, not looking forward to yet another one of these conversations. For once, I hoped the rumor mill would do its job so I could stop explaining.

"No boyfriend anymore, Gail. It's just me. If you're worried about my weight, how about giving me one of those strawberry Danishes of yours?"

"I'll do you one better, how about two?"

"Wow, I must really look skinny."

She laughed. "Come on, let's get you some food and catch up. The morning rush is over, so we should have some time."

Over pastries and the orange juice Gail insisted I get for the vitamins, I filled her in. Or at least I gave her the edited version.

"What's going on? What are you doing home?"

"Adam's gone, I don't want to be a lawyer, and I didn't know where else to go." I laid it out there.

"Gone?"

"Please don't make me tell the story. I don't want to cry anymore."

"The devastation in your eyes is from more than a break up, but I'll respect your wishes. One piece of advice: holding the truth in is only going to hurt you more."

"You're probably right, but it's what I'm doing right now." I finished my juice, using it as an excuse not to make eye contact.

"All right, it's your choice to make."

"I need a job."

"And she gets to the point."

I nearly snorted my juice. "Any chance you can give me some shifts?"

"Aren't you a little overqualified to serve coffee and sandwiches?"

"My political science major isn't going to help much anywhere else in town."

"You know you always have a job here, honey." She'd said the same thing when I left for college.

"Thanks, I really appreciate it." I smiled, relieved that something was going my way.

"When can you start?"

"The sooner the better."

"All right, I'll get you an apron."

"I'm starting now?"

"Unless you have somewhere else to be." She looked at me questioningly.

"Nowhere else to be." I concentrated on finishing the last crumbs of my second Danish.

"Now it's been a few years, but do you think you remember how to work everything?"

"Unless you have a bunch of new high-tech machines, I should be fine." Gail was notorious in town for eschewing technology. Someone once suggested she set up Wi-Fi for her customers, and she about threw him out. I happened to think that it was a good thing. It meant she still made everything by hand.

Gail smiled. "Hey, don't knock an old system that still works. Go wash up, and help me make some sandwiches before the lunch crowd."

I mock saluted. "All right, boss. I'm on it."

I'd forgotten how therapeutic making chicken salad sandwiches could be, but for the first time in a long time, the tension in my shoulders lessened, and I relaxed without having a drink first. I could have scooped mayonnaise forever, but I eventually finished.

Around eleven thirty, the telltale jingle of the door announced the beginning of the lunch time rush. Even with a diner and several fast food restaurants in town, the café still had a crowd of mid-day regulars.

When Gail called me to the front, I mentally prepared myself for the barrage of questions to come. On the bright side, after one shift, the word would pretty much spread across town.

"Hi there, Molly, what are you doing back?" Mr. Martin, a former math teacher of mine asked as I rang up his sandwich and coffee.

"I'm just hanging out for a while, not sure what the next stop is."

"So what happened with medical school?" Mr. Atkins, the owner of the local nursery asked. He had always been happy to let me come in to take pictures of the flowers and plants.

"Arnie, it's Shayna who went to med school. This is Molly. She's in law school," his wife cut in.

"Oh sorry, hon."

"Not a problem. I actually decided law wasn't for me."

"Well, if you change your mind, I'm sure you could work with the Morgans." He referred to one of the small firms in town.

"I don't think I'm going to change my mind."

"Enough about law school. How'd you convince your fiancé to move down here? Isn't he a Boston boy?" Mrs. Atkins asked, taking a sip from the coffee I handed her.

"He's not here."

"Oh." She paused, finally putting it together. "Oh! I'm sorry to hear that, but you are still so young, sweetheart. I'm sure you'll meet someone new in no time."

"Absolutely." I forced a smile before excusing myself.

Gail found me making confetti out of paper napkins twenty minutes later.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have bailed on you like that," I apologized.

"It's fine, but do me a favor and help the customer who just walked in; I need a break."

"Sure, of course," I replied, eager to redeem myself.

There was a strange twinkle in Gail's eye that had me worried for a second, but I ignored it.

I walked out, and my breath hitched. Gail was going to get it.

With his brown hair buzzed short as usual, and the constant tan with a hint of sunburn he always sported from working on his dad's boats, my high school sweetheart stood at the counter.

"Molly?" His brown eyes widened. A barely visible smile played on the corner of his lips.

"Hi, Ben." I smiled, giving a small wave. Inside, my stomach did somersaults. I wasn't ready for this.

"Wow, what are you doing here? You work at Marney's again?" He placed a hand on the counter. "Aren't you supposed to be in Boston?"

"Plans changed."

"How so?" Ben was never one for mincing words.

"I quit law school."

"Oh. How'd your fiancé take it?" He said the word 'fiancé' like it left a bad taste in his mouth.

"We're not getting married."

"Oh... I didn't know."

"Yeah, I didn't exactly spread the word. Did your dad really not tell you I was back?"

"My Dad?"

"I ran into him this morning. I figured he would have mentioned it, or am I wrong and you don't work with him anymore?" Ben's plans, aside from his music, had always been to work in his father's marina sales and rental company and to take over one day. It was hard to pull him away from the water.

"He didn't mention it." His face scrunched up the way it always did when he was thinking. "But wow, I definitely didn't expect to see you."

"I've been getting that a lot."

"So since you're working here, does that mean you plan to stay around?" I couldn't tell what answer he wanted.

I leaned up against the back counter. "Maybe... I really don't know. This was kind of a last minute decision."

"How last minute?"

"Meaning I walked out of class, packed up what I wanted from my apartment, and left the city."

"That's... cool." Ben put his hands in his pockets.

"Yeah."

We stood in awkward silence for a while, just looking at each other. "So, can I get you something?"

"Oh sure, the special."

"Okay, coming right up." I grabbed one of the chicken salad sandwiches I had spent so much time making and wrapped it up. "So what have you been up to?" I called over my shoulder.

"You know, work mostly—I've started a side business taking out fishing tours. It keeps me pretty busy. I'm still playing with the guys, though."

"Yeah, I heard that." I fidgeted nervously while holding his sandwich in one hand. Making small talk with Ben wasn't easy. There was way too much we needed to say to each other, but couldn't.

"We're playing tonight at Gill's. You should come."

"Oh, I don't know, but thanks."

"Come on, you should. I promise we're better than in high school." He smiled, and I knew I was lost. It was impossible to say no to that smile.

"All right."

"Yeah? Okay, cool. Maybe we can catch up after? It's been a long time."

"Okay." I filled a cup with Coke. I assumed he hadn't changed his drink of choice.

He looked torn for a moment. "Oh, and Mol?"

"Yeah?" I placed his drink on the counter.

"For what it's worth, I'm sorry things didn't work out for you up in Boston."

"Thanks. I appreciate it."

"See you later."

"Bye."

As soon as the door chime sounded announcing Ben's exit, Gail came out to join me. "Now that's the old Molly. All it took was five minutes with Ben Mathews. I think we found your solution."

"Ben and I had our chance years ago. It's never going to happen."

"Who says? The way the two of you look at each other, there is nothing past tense about you."

"Come on, don't you need me to do some clean up or something?"

"All right, if you're asking to clean instead of talk boys, this must be serious."

I laughed. It was good to be back at Marney's.
Chapter Five

"Look at you, made up all cute." Kelly laughed as she pulled out of my driveway.

"Shut up, I'm not."

"Is that actually makeup on your face? Wow, little Molly has grown up," Kelly mocked, taking a slow ride over to the bar.

"I had the time." That was partially the truth. I also wanted to add some color to my washed out face. Lack of sleep was really taking a toll on me.

"So this has nothing to do with Ben then?" She was enjoying this way too much.

"Not at all. Don't even start."

"What? He did invite you to the show."

"To be nice." I crossed my arms.

"Nice is saying hello. This wasn't to be nice. The poor boy still hasn't gotten over you."

"Yes he has. You didn't spare me a second of his escapades with the girls around here."

"Okay, he's dated a few girls, but they never went anywhere, and I haven't seen him with anyone in months."

"He's twenty-three, that's normal."

"Sure, but I don't believe for a second the extra effort tonight isn't for him. But if it wasn't, and if instead it was for Gavin, your effort was wasted. They're working tonight."

"It's not for Gavin," I said quickly.

Kelly laughed. "He was talking poor Tom's ear off about you today."

"Come on, we talked last night about stupid, random things."

"He told Tom he thinks you guys really connected, and he can't wait to see where it goes."

I slapped my leg. "He did not."

"Uh huh. And don't kill him, but Tom gave him your number." Kelly looked ready for an onslaught.

"Is he crazy?"

"You know Tom. He's just trying to help. He thinks you need a big, strong man to take care of you."

"As compared to a small, weak one?"

"You have to admit, Gavin is big. He even makes Tom seem tiny. And he's damn hot. I wonder if all of him is as big." Kelly grinned wickedly.

"Stop, stop!"

"Come on. He'd be like your personal Brawny man."

"Excuse me?"

"You know the guy from the paper towel ads from eons ago."

"If you say so. Anyway, didn't we just discuss this last night? And I distinctly remember telling you I wasn't interested."

"Uh huh, and I warned you that Tom was on a mission. But like I said, you're safe tonight."

Just like the previous night, Kelly pulled into a spot out front of Gill's. Wearing a short jean skirt and a gray tank that had an almost sparkly quality to it and didn't completely hide the fact that I had a chest, I kind of understood what Kelly was getting at. Still, it's not like I was wearing a dress.

"We're right on time. They should be on real soon." Kelly opened the door and we walked inside. We grabbed a few beers before pushing past the bar.

The Grizzlies must really bring in a crowd, I thought, because the place was twice as packed as the night before. Kelly led us over to a table off to the side. It was close enough we'd get a good view, but not enough to immediately bring us to the band's attention.

Just as I started to relax, we were interrupted. "So, I'm supposed to apologize to you." Jake's body language suggested he wanted to do anything but apologize.

"Don't bother. You said what you wanted to say."

He slumped down in a chair. "Are you really not going to argue with me?"

"You sound disappointed," Kelly said.

"Geez, if you can't fight with me, what good are you?"

"I guess I'm useless then, sorry." I shrugged, drinking from my beer. I didn't have the energy to deal with Jake. I was nervous enough about watching Ben.

"What the hell is wrong with you?"

"Jake, if you don't get away from this table in the next five seconds, you're going to be sorry." Kelly sounded surprisingly menacing.

"Molly Sander letting other people fight her battles... And I thought I'd seen everything." Jake pushed back his chair and sauntered away.

"So, imagine what would happen if Jake decided to funnel some of that anger toward other, more interesting pursuits."

"Interesting pursuits?" I laughed.

"Seriously. I think he gets off when you fight with him, and you aren't playing along anymore."

"Ughh, you seriously have the dirtiest mind. How does Tom live with you?"

"He lives with me just fine. He likes what I come up with using my dirty mind."

I put my head in my hands. "Please, no more details."

"No more details about what?"

I glanced up. Ronny and a few of his friends joined us. "I didn't expect to see you here again so soon."

"You know me, always at the bar."

"My, you've grown up Molly. It's weird to see you at a bar, drinking," one of the guys who I recognized as Shayna's friend Matt said.

"Yeah, I'm growing up."

"Where's Nancy tonight?" Kelly asked Matt.

"Home with the kids."

"Nice wife."

"Haha. She gets her girls' nights out. I play fair."

The conversation died out as the Grizzlies took the stage.

The intro to the first song was instrumental. Ben sat at the piano. He played guitar half the time, but I loved his piano playing best. I was the one who convinced him to integrate piano into the band in the first place. I was happy to see they'd stuck with it. I didn't recognize the song, but it didn't surprise me. I doubted they were playing the same stuff after all this time.

Just as I was settling into the light melody, Ben started to sing. His voice made me shiver, just like it always did. Something about his voice got to me. Maybe it was the almost gravelly quality to it, but Ben's voice touched me in a way no one else's voice ever did.

I tried to concentrate on the lyrics, something about a forgotten bicycle on a rainy day. Ben sometimes liked to tap into childhood memories in his song writing. This time I could almost believe I listened to a young boy lament leaving his bike in the rain.

Ronny got us another round of beers, and I tried to avoid looking at Ben. Familiar longing moved through me. We may have been apart for five years, but three years of history is hard to erase.

I snuck a glance at him and noticed him staring at me.

Kelly leaned over to whisper in my ear. "It looks like your outfit worked."

I smacked her arm. "Shut up."

I started to laugh, and Ben's lips twisted into a smile. If he was embarrassed to be caught staring, he didn't show it. Of course, he was also playing a gig.

The set went quickly, and I tried to prepare myself if Ben actually did want to hang out afterward.

"All right, one more song. Any requests?" Ben asked the crowd.

"Play 'Six Feet Under,'" someone yelled, getting the crowd cheering.

"Uh oh," Kelly said quietly.

"Why uh oh?"

"It's about you."

"He wrote a song called 'Six Feet Under' about me? Is it as bad as the name implies?"

"Yeah. Really bad." Kelly looked down at the table.

"Great, this is exactly what I need. Why the hell did he bother with the invitation if he was going to torture me?"

"I'd say he didn't expect to play it, but it's one of their hits. I was going to warn you, but I hoped—"

The music started, interrupting Kelly.

Fifteen and you said you'd love me forever,

Sixteen and you gave yourself to me,

Seventeen and you put me in a grave six feet under.

Whatever happened to forever meaning living and breathing—

No, you had to bring me to my knees.

My chest got tight again. Images from my dreams combined with guilt over ending things with Ben so badly. I finished my beer, eagerly grabbing Kelly's half-finished one and drinking it as well, hoping to make the pain stop.

I hope you like the world out there,

I hope you like the way he feels,

Maybe one day you'll remember that you promised forever just to me.

Days became months became years and still no forever, not even a someday—

I just sit here where you put me six feet under, wondering why you punished me.

Then I did the stupidest thing ever; I looked up and met his eyes, saw the pain there, the intense way he looked at me.

Someday I'll stop waiting,

I'll stop expecting to be saved,

I'll accept that you meant to put me here and prefer the way he tastes.

Maybe then I'll have reached the end.

But until then I'll sit here where you put me in a grave six feet under, hoping one day you'll return to rescue me.

I closed my eyes, and all I could see was Adam's pale and lifeless face. I snapped. Getting up, I grabbed my purse and headed to the door.

"Molly, wait up." Kelly tried to keep up with me.

Outside, I stopped to look at her. "I can't do this. I'm sorry."

"Okay, let me go back in and get my keys. I'll take you home."

"No, thanks, I'll walk."

"It's over a mile, and it's dark."

"I don't care. Sorry." I took off, not bothering to look behind me.

I couldn't run fast, not in sandals with heels, but I walked as quickly as I could, knowing exactly where I was going. Once I reached the front steps, I slipped my shoes off as I moved through the front hall. I grabbed a towel from the mud room on my way out the back door.

I pulled off my tank as soon as I hit the dock. I hadn't unpacked my swimsuits yet, and I wasn't about to let that stop me. I stripped off my skirt, standing alone on the faded wood dock. Dad was the only one who ever took care things like that, and he'd been gone five years. Wearing only a grey bra and panties, I looked down at the black water and hesitated for a second before diving in.

Cool water greeted me. It was too early in the season for the water temperature to have risen yet. I sunk further down—away from two boys, one who left me and one who I left. I came up for air, the saltiness of my tears blending in with the water.

I floated, letting the slight current move me. Part of me hoped it would take me so far out I'd never find my way back again. The lights from the dock lit the night, but with my eyes closed, I could pretend the world had gone dark.

I'm not sure how long I floated when a voice broke me out of my reverie.

"A little late for a swim, isn't it?"

I opened my eyes and looked up at the dock to see Ben sitting with his legs hanging over the edge. "A little late for a visit, isn't it?" I shot back, not ready to face him.

"Well, if you recall, we were supposed to be catching up tonight. You left before that could happen."

"I wonder why I did that?" I swam reluctantly over to the dock.

"You ready to come out yet?"

"Not with you watching."

"Like I haven't seen you wet and naked before." He smirked.

"I'm not naked."

"See, so really there's no reason to worry about it."

"Turn around," I ordered.

"Fine, if you insist." He laughed as he turned to look up at the house.

Not sure how much time he'd give me, I climbed up the ladder, grabbing my towel and quickly wrapping it around me without drying off first. I sat down where Ben had just been sitting, squeezing some water from my hair.

"It's safe to turn around."

"I'm not sure safe is the best word." He sat down right next to me so that our arms and legs nearly touched.

I didn't think that deserved a response. "How'd you know where to find me?"

"You used to always come out here for a swim when you were upset." He paused, grinning. "Usually it was because you were mad at me for something stupid."

"I always had a good reason to be mad."

"Yeah right. You gave me the silent treatment for a week when I skipped out on the art department fundraiser."

"Exactly, you deserved it. I spent months organizing that, and then you bailed."

"And what was I supposed to do to help? Face painting kids wasn't really my thing."

"It wouldn't have mattered whether you sat in the corner the whole time. It was about you not being there." I regretted the words as soon as they left my mouth. They were only going to remind us both of the night that changed everything for us.

"Yeah, well eighteen-year-old guys don't always get that." He looked at me intently, as if seeking the understanding and forgiveness I never gave him at seventeen.

I forced a laugh, pretending I didn't realize what he was actually saying. "But really, am I that predictable?"

"You were, and I took a lucky guess that some things never change."

"Some things do though."

"Maybe only the things that need to change."

"That's deep, Ben."

He cracked a smile. "I'm sorry about tonight."

"No, you're not. You knew that would happen when you offered to take requests. Kelly says it's one of your biggest hits."

"That doesn't mean I'm not sorry. I admit I wanted you to hear it, but then, seeing the look on your face and the way you ran out like the place was on fire, I realized it probably wasn't the best idea."

"Well, if your goal was to hurt me, you succeeded."

I started to stand up when Ben wrapped his hand around my wrist. "Wait, come on, let me finish."

"Oh so there's more to the story than you trying to hurt me?"

"I didn't want to hurt you. I just wanted you to know how I felt. But I've had a change of heart."

"What brought on this change of heart?"

"Other than the thought of you dripping wet in your underwear?" He smiled sheepishly.

"I assume, since you came out here to begin with, you had the change of heart beforehand."

"All right, you got me there. It was just the look on your face. I know a lot of time has passed, but damn it, I still care about you, whether I like it or not."

"I did you a favor, you know," I whispered. He still hadn't released my wrist, and I wasn't fighting.

"A favor? This I've got to hear."

"I saved you from being with me. You're lucky."

He chortled. "In what universe does losing you make me lucky?"

"I'm poison, Ben. Poison."

"Are you high? Because if you're not, then you're seriously scaring me."

"I should scare you."

His grip on my wrist tightened. "The only thing that scares me is watching you leave in a few weeks just to find some other douche to marry."

"Adam wasn't a douche, and why does that matter?"

"Wasn't? How bad was this breakup that you're talking in the past tense?"

"The horrible, final kind," I said icily.

"I see. Well, I hope you didn't talk about me in the past tense."

"No, not with you."

He smiled slightly. "Well, that's something."

"Why does it even matter?"

"Oh no. You still need to tell me what all this poison bullshit is." He examined my wrist, belatedly checking it to make sure he hadn't hurt me.

"I'm just making you realize that there are worse things than having me leave."

"I haven't experienced any yet."

"Just stop. You wanted to make me feel guilty, and you were successful." I pulled my hand away from him and stood up. Before I could take two steps, he was on his feet.

"I don't want you to feel guilty!" he yelled.

"Then what do you want?"

He tugged at his hair. "Why the hell not?" I heard him mutter before he pulled me toward him, wrapping his arms around me tightly until I was flush against him. With a hand under my chin, he made me look up at him. "I want you, Molly, can't you see that?"

He didn't wait for an answer. The crush of his lips against mine made it impossible for any verbal response. My body kicked into autopilot, responding to him. He slightly loosened his hold on me, and I wrapped my arms around his neck. In the process, my towel dropped, but I was too into the kiss to do anything about it. He demanded access, and I opened up to him, allowing him to deepen the kiss. As his hand started to slip under the wet fabric of my bra, my brain returned from its haze.

"Stop." I pulled my lips from his, pushing my hands against his chest.

He didn't acknowledge it at first, but eventually he must have realized I was no longer into the kiss. He stepped back, just staring at me. His eyes revealed a hunger that scared me with its intensity. I wasn't ready for anything like it. I retrieved my towel, tying it securely around me.

"You've got to get out of here."

"Why?" His hands already reached defiantly toward me.

I took a step back. "Because we just came way too close to doing something we'd both regret."

"Regret? Why the hell would we regret it? We want each other; we're both single, what's the problem?"

"It's—"

"Wait. Don't even try with the poison excuse again."

"Let's not go down this path. I don't want to hurt you."

"Then don't hurt me."

"Ben."

"Then what do you suggest?" He rocked back on his heels.

"We stay away from each other?"

"Uh huh, because that will be easy."

"We can try." I shrugged.

"You do that." He winked. "See you around."

"I don't plan on it." I tried to hide the smile that crept onto my face before turning away from him.

"Sweet dreams."

"I'd say the same to you, but I don't want you to take it too literally."

He laughed, and I realized just how much I'd missed the deep sound. "Don't worry; I'll have those dreams anyhow."

Picking up my pile of clothes, I headed up to the back porch. Turning around, I saw Ben standing in the same spot, watching me.
Chapter Six

My hours at Marney's were sporadic, likely because Gail was only making up shifts for me. Sometimes I'd work two half shifts, which left me with an inordinate amount of free time in the middle of the day. After the morning rush on my second day, I decided to head home and grab my camera.

Talking to Ben about the old art department fundraiser had reminded me of just how long it had been since I'd really focused on my photography. With the extra time on my hands, I figured it couldn't hurt. One of the few luxuries I'd allowed myself during school was a nice camera. I loved my Nikon, but I had been using it more as a way to record my life rather than to take photos for artistic purposes.

Wandering down to the beach, I spent a few hours snapping shots. Before long, I found my favorite spot to take pictures: a protected area surrounded by large sand dunes. All sorts of things washed up there, from crabs and beautiful shells, to old beer bottles and trash. I once did a whole series of pictures on the trash that washed ashore. As gross as trash can be, there is something poetic about the juxtaposition of something so dirty against the beauty of the beach. But my all-time favorite thing to photograph was driftwood. I loved how every piece was a little different, like they each had their own story to tell.

After a few hours of taking pictures, I arrived back at work in time to help prepare for lunch. By a quarter after noon, Gail and I realized it was going to be a much heavier crowd than usual.

She blamed it on me. "If you'll notice, it's mostly male customers. A little suspicious, if you ask me."

"Yeah right, they're all here for you."

She laughed. "Let's call it even."

"Hey, Molly." Tom strolled in.

"Hi there." I hoped Kelly hadn't mentioned my meltdown the night before. When I texted before bed to let her know I was okay, she said it was fine.

"Can you talk for a second?" he asked.

"Two minutes, and then I need her back," Gail answered for me.

"Okay, two minutes," he repeated.

I walked around the counter and followed him to an empty table. "What's up?"

"I'll get right to the point. Kelly is worried about you, which means I'm worried about you."

"Oh, about last night? I didn't mean to upset her." I sank down further into my chair.

"I'm sure you didn't. But you scared her. She's afraid you're depressed."

"I'm not depressed."

"You know what might help make up for it, though?"

"What?" I so didn't need a guilt trip, even though I knew he was right.

"Come over for dinner tonight. You still haven't seen the house, and she'd love to show it off."

"All right," I answered quickly. If it might help smooth things over with Kelly, I was all about it. She was the only friend in town I'd bothered to keep in contact with, and I needed her friendship more than I'd ever have admitted.

"Great. Come over around seven?"

"Sure, but I better get back to work."

"All right, see you later," he called over his shoulder as he walked out. He hadn't even ordered food.

The next hour went quickly, and things had just started to quiet when Ben walked through the door.

"Wow, fancy meeting you here." He smiled, strolling right up to the counter.

"This is what you call staying away?"

"If you recall, I never agreed to that plan."

"Are you here to eat?"

"No... I grabbed lunch earlier but I thought I'd just say hello."

"Well, hello."

"Any plans for a night swim again?" He leaned against the counter, getting too close for my comfort.

I took a step back. "I think I got that out of my system last night." We were really getting good at having conversations with hidden meanings.

"Well, if you change your mind, let me know."

"What part of staying away don't you get?"

"All of it."

"I'll keep that in mind. See you later," I waved before turning my attention to cleaning the counters.

"Oh, I'm not leaving." He walked over to a table across from the counter and put a book down in front of him.

"I thought you weren't eating?"

"I'm not, but I have some time to kill. I remember this being a pretty good place to hang out." Ben used to spend half my shifts just sitting there while I worked. He said he liked to be near me, but I'm pretty sure he was making sure other guys didn't hit on me.

"You can't just sit here if you aren't ordering anything."

"Who says he can't? It's not like I care." Gail suddenly joined our conversation, placing a Coke down in front of Ben.

"Don't mind me. I'll just read and maybe enjoy the view."

I did my best to ignore him, but I couldn't help glancing over every once and a while. Each time, he smiled, letting me know that he'd caught me.

Before I knew it, he was back at the counter. "Well, time to go back to work. Nice staying away from you today. See you around." He grinned before disappearing through the door.

***

I decided to do some unpacking before going over to Kelly's for dinner. I had brought most of my clothes with me and a lot of shoes, so it was no easy task. It felt funny to stock the shelves of my old closet again.

While hanging up some skirts, I noticed an old shoe box on the top shelf. I pulled over my desk chair and climbed up so I could reach it.

I knew exactly what was in the box. With a mix of excitement and dread, I settled onto the plush, tan carpet. Opening the lid caused an avalanche of photographs, letters, movie stubs, and little trinkets to fall into my lap. Looking at the lid of the box again, I ran my hands over the fancy script spelling out Ben's name. I smiled thinking about how girly I used to be.

I picked up one of the folded letters, my name written in Ben's barely legible handwriting. The letter was short, just like all the ones he used to slip in my backpack and locker back then, but they always did the trick.

I can't wait to see you tonight, and you're killing me with the surprise thing. I love you, my little spitfire.

Spitfire—I tried to remember when he'd started calling me that. Well, he never just called me spitfire, it was always preceded with "my." Ben was a little possessive like that. Like how he hung around Marney's so much. In the beginning, I'd pretended that it bothered me, but it never did. I liked how important it made me feel. I never felt safer then when I was tucked in his arms.

I pulled out a ticket stub from our high school production of the Wizard of Oz. Kelly was Dorothy, her first starring role. I'd designed and painted most of the sets, spending almost every afternoon working on them for over a month. I frowned at the worn paper. Ben stood me up that night. He'd been out getting high with his friends and forgot. I ended up watching the play with Jake of all people. I think the only thing Jake and I ever agreed on was that Ben needed to lay off the drugs.

For some reason, Jake and I never got along. He was only one year below us in school, and he was actually the same age as me. I was young for my grade. The animosity between us only got worse when Ben asked me out sophomore year. I think Jake was worried I'd take up all of Ben's time—and he was partially right. We spent a lot of time together, but he also spent time with his band and his other friends.

Lost in the nostalgia, I hadn't realized how late it was getting. I had about fifteen minutes to get over to Kelly's. Changing into a strapless sundress that had caught my eye during the unpacking process, I grabbed my keys and phone before heading out the door. I skipped past my car, opting to walk the few blocks, even if it meant being a little late. I hardly ever drove in the city and had grown used to walking most places.

"Hey, you made it." Kelly smiled as she opened the door.

"Listen, I'm sorry about last night."

"It's okay. Besides, we'll be even after tonight."

"Excuse me?"

"Gavin's out back with Tom." She looked away, trying to stifle a laugh.

"What? So this is some kind of set up?"

"It's all Tom's idea. I already told you he's convinced the two of you are perfect for each other, and the impression you made on Gavin doesn't help."

"Impression?"

"I told you he can't stop talking about you."

I sighed. "Poor guy. That's what happens when new girls only show up in town every five years."

She laughed. "He was going to call and ask you out, but Tom convinced him to wait and come here instead."

"Because Tom knew what my answer would be?"

"Exactly."

I rolled my eyes. "Remind me again why you want to marry him?"

"Very funny. He means well." She pursed her lips.

I laughed. "Fine, but I'll be careful not to worry you again so he can't guilt me into things."

"See, you learned an important lesson."

I laughed again lightly and finally took the time to look around.

"I love your place. You've really made it your own." She'd sprinkled the otherwise traditional kitchen with green accents anywhere she could, from the seat cushions to her Kitchen Aid mixer.

Kelly beamed. "Thanks! I'll have to give you the grand tour later, but I think the kitchen is my favorite room anyway."

I followed her out to the deck where Tom and Gavin stood at the grill, each holding a beer.

Gavin's face lit up when he saw me. "Hey, Molly, it's great to see you again."

"Hi, Gavin."

"So, how have you been?"

"You do realize we just saw each other two days ago, right?"

"Hey, a lot can happen in a few days. Like, didn't you get a job?"

"It sounds like you are already well informed about my time." I bit down the stalker comment that wanted to come out.

"Not one for small talk, I see. You really make a man work for it, huh?"

I shrugged. "Just saying." I took a seat at the table, snagging a chip and dipping it in salsa.

"You didn't ask, but my past few days have been good." He sat down next to me.

"Oh?" He had more nerve than I expected.

"Yeah, I couldn't stop thinking about this girl I met and wondering if she'd let me take her out."

I groaned to myself. Did he really have to do this so early in the evening when I couldn't just slip away? I certainly wasn't going to make it easy on him.

"Good luck with the girl. You'll have to let me know how it goes next time I see you."

"And when will the next time I see you be?" He drowned a chip in the salsa.

"I'm not sure. I guess whenever Tom and Kelly decide to get us all together."

"And what if I don't want to wait that long?" He abandoned his chip to look at me.

"Hey, be careful. That girl you like might think there is something going on with us the way you're talking. There's no reason to give the wrong impression."

"There's every reason to give that impression."

"Okay, I didn't want to have to say it outright, but clearly you're not getting the hint—" I started to explain.

"The hint?" He smiled sheepishly.

"I'm not ready to date." I tried to be diplomatic.

"When do you expect to be ready?"

"Not anytime soon."

"Okay, then how about a non-date?"

"Excuse me?"

"A casual dinner between friends. I'll even let you pay your half if you want." He tried to salvage the original chip with a new one. He was clearly the type who didn't give up easily.

"So going Dutch somehow makes it a non-date? And why would paying for my own dinner make it more appealing?" I would definitely be paying my own way if we went out, but it was fun making it hard on him.

"Okay, so I'll treat. Plus, I promise to keep my hands to myself and to try my best to avoid staring at you longingly, although I can't guarantee the last part—especially if you look like you do tonight."

I looked down at my sundress, not sure what made it particularly special.

As if he read my mind, he continued, "Although I'm sure you'd look good in a paper bag."

"Well that last part was a deal breaker—if you can't promise not to look at me like that." I tried to crack a smile. "But I appreciate the offer."

I looked around for Kelly to save me, but she had disappeared inside with Tom.

"Can't you give a man a chance? I'm really putting myself out there." He looked at me like a puppy begging for a bone.

I shook my head. "Oh no, no putting this on me."

"At least think about it? I know you'd have fun."

There was something wrong about a man that big still having the ability to put on a killer puppy dog face. I didn't think I could take much more of it. "If I say maybe, will you lay off the rest of the night?"

"Yes," he responded immediately. "Scout's honor."

"You were a Boy Scout?"

"Does that surprise you?" He leaned back in his chair, putting his hands behind his head.

"No, not at all."

"So what do you say?"

"Okay, I'll think about it."

He grinned. "Great. Okay, so just in case you say yes, do you like Italian?"

"I do, but really, don't get your hopes up."

"Don't worry about my hopes. Just focus on making the right decision." The pleading was gone, replaced by over-confidence.

I shook my head and forced a laugh. "I'm going to go find out where our hosts are."

Discovering Kelly sitting in the kitchen doing nothing even remotely cooking related, I gritted my teeth, ready to let her have it. That is until Tom came around the corner and placed a hand on my shoulder. "Hey, how are things going out there? I figured you two would hit it off."

"What gave you the impression I wanted to date anyone? And even if I did, I don't need you playing matchmaker."

"I know you're still hurting, but maybe you just need to get back out there. Gavin's a great guy. I think he'll be good for you." Tom was sounding too big-brotherly for someone who wasn't actually related to me.

"Kelly, a little help here?"

"I know what you want me to say, but maybe Tom's right. Maybe you should tell Gavin ..."

"Tell me what?" I'd have said that Gavin picked an inopportune moment to come inside, but I had a feeling he'd been listening to us the whole time.

I tried to come up with a plausible line, but Kelly was faster. "How inexperienced she is with dating. She's only really ever been out with two guys: Ben in high school, and then she met Adam her freshman year of college."

"I'm guessing Adam is the ex-fiancé, and do you mean Ben Mathews?"

"Yeah, they dated for years growing up," Kelly explained.

"Oh, I didn't know you two had been an item. Somehow, I can't picture you dating a musician."

"It was high school." Of course, I had just kissed him the night before, but no one else needed to know that particular detail.

"So you had a bit of a wild side to you in high school then?" Gavin laughed.

"Molly and Kelly both had a wild streak growing up. Seriously, these two always knew how to get into trouble," Tom happily supplied.

Kelly playfully hit Tom on the back. "We weren't that bad. Don't exaggerate."

"How many times were the two of you busted for skinny dipping? Or wait, what about the time you took Mr. Cleaver's boat for a joyride, or when you were caught drinking on the junior high roof?"

Gavin burst out laughing. "It doesn't sound like you were wild as much as you were good at getting caught. Although, I have to know, do you still have a thing for skinny dipping?"

"Kelly doesn't, but I can't vouch for Molly." Tom went to the fridge to pull out more beers, passing them out.

"You two also had such a death wish with those tracks. How many times were you caught partying out there?"

"Are we done discussing our juvenile delinquencies?" I could laugh at most of it, but I wasn't ready to get into a conversation about the train tracks, not if I didn't want to end up crying.

"Don't you guys need to go check on the steaks?" Kelly saved me, giving me a sympathetic look before shooing the men outside. "Do you want a minute?"

"No, I'm good."

"All right. Shall we?" She opened the patio door for me.

Dinner was pleasant. I couldn't remember the last time I'd had a meal that didn't consist of random foods thrown together, let alone steak. I ate everything on my plate and then had seconds.

"Geez, no one's been feeding you, huh?" Tom joked, as I finished my second plate.

"No, we aren't all lucky enough to have men like you in our lives," I said in a sugary sweet voice.

Kelly glared at me, and Gavin chuckled.

"Very funny. Kelly can tell you that I help."

"I bet, and the steak was great."

"Thank you. I'm sure you realize you're always welcome here for dinner."

"Okay, you need to wait until after the wedding before you talk like you're middle-aged parents." I couldn't keep a straight face.

"I'm not going to acknowledge that comment."

I laughed, getting up to help clear the plates.

"You don't have to do that," Kelly said quickly.

"I don't mind. I'll probably get going soon, though." I wanted to escape another invitation from Gavin. He seemed like a nice enough guy, and he was definitely attractive, but dating anyone sounded like a terrible idea. It's not that I didn't crave physical contact, I definitely did. I just couldn't stomach the emotional side of things. Maybe Gavin would be more than happy to merely have a fling, but I doubted it. In the little time I had talked to him, he seemed like a man on a mission to find Ms. Right, and if anything, I was Ms. Wrong.

"All right, but before I forget, want to go shopping for bridesmaid dresses soon?" Kelly asked.

"Sure, sounds great." I hoped I sounded more enthusiastic than I felt.

"Are you sure you need to head home already?" Gavin asked.

"Unfortunately yes, but it was great seeing all of you."

I brought my dishes into the kitchen and took off before Gavin could offer me a ride.
Chapter Seven

There was a blue Ford truck parked on the street out front when I got home. I walked down the driveway to check it out, wary about who it could be. A quick examination made its owner abundantly clear. The variety of bumper stickers advertising Mathews Fishing Tours and the Grizzlies was a dead giveaway.

What was Ben doing at my house?

I assumed he was around back, but decided to go inside first to drop off my bag. I took one step inside and heard the music—Snow Patrol—a song I only had on a mix CD Ben made me senior year.

I took the stairs slowly, pausing at the door to my room. Ben looked up from his spot on my floor. "Hey, feeling nostalgic, huh?" He held up a few pictures from the box of mementoes I hadn't returned to my closet yet.

"What are you doing here? And how did you get in?"

He grinned, stretching out his legs. "I used my key."

I walked into the room. "You have a key to my parents' house?"

"Yeah, you gave it to me when I came by to feed Pretzel when you went on vacation."

"You still have the key we gave you junior year when you came to feed the cat?"

"You never took it back. You knew that. I used it a few times senior year when your parents went away."

I definitely remembered those few times. Those were the only nights we ever spent together, and we did everything but sleep.

"So you just happened to have it with you tonight?"

"I guess I never took it off my keychain." He shrugged. "But I wouldn't talk. It looks like you kept everything." He gestured to the pile in front of him.

"I was always sentimental."

"We had fun together, didn't we?" He held up a picture of us making goofy faces. It was from a photo booth at the local movie theater, and it was one of the many photos of us that used to stick out from behind my mirror.

"Yeah, we did. But you didn't answer me. What are you doing here?"

"What does it look like? I'm looking through pictures." He looked at me innocently.

"Come on, why are you in this house?"

"I thought I'd come by and surprise you and to make sure you weren't swimming without me. Where were you anyhow?"

"Over at Kelly's." I specifically left out who was there. I had no idea whether Ben and Gavin knew each other.

"Have you two been catching up?"

"A little, it's good to see her."

"How about me?"

"What about you?" I asked hesitantly.

"Is it good to see me?" He pulled a pillow off my bed and lay down on the floor. Tired of standing, I sat down next to him.

"I guess."

"You guess? You seemed really glad to see me last night."

"You caught me by surprise."

"Oh, was that all it was? So you don't want it to happen again?" He sat up to lean on one elbow. "Are you sure about that?"

I nodded.

"I'm calling your bluff." Without warning, he pushed me down, pinning my arms above my head as he hovered above me, his lips mere inches from mine. "Tell me you don't want me to kiss you. I dare you."

"I don't want you to kiss me," I said with far less enthusiasm than I intended. Kissing him was exactly what I wanted.

"Not even a little?"

"Nope." I played along with the game we played in high school. We'd get into a fight, and Ben would always try to wriggle his way out of trouble by teasing me.

"Well, that's too bad, because you don't have a choice." This was a new addition to the game. He always gave me a choice, and I always chose to take him back.

His lips met mine as he cradled my head with one hand. His other hand found my leg underneath my dress. As his tongue demanded entry, I opened up to him, reveling in the familiar taste and feel of kissing him. He tasted faintly like mint. I ran my hands down his back, slipping them under his t-shirt to feel the warmth of his skin.

I tugged at the shirt, wanting the barrier out of the way. He drew away from me long enough to pull it over his head and toss it. His hand moved to the top of my dress, trying to yank the fabric down. He grunted in frustration when it wouldn't move.

"You have to unzip it."

"Oh," he breathed, his hand finding the tiny zipper and pulling it down with urgency. "No bra?" He smiled, running his hands over the sensitive skin of my breasts before continuing his assault on my dress, grumbling when it took a moment to pull it down over my hips. I loved the way his hands felt—and the excitement he stirred in me with just the smallest touch.

"The dress has one built in." I looked up at him as he hovered above, running my hand down his chest, trying to get used to this older and more muscular version of the boy I grew up with.

His eyes raked over me, doing a similar evaluation. "I didn't think it was possible, but you're even more gorgeous now."

"You don't look so bad yourself."

He grinned. "I'm glad you approve."

As his hands continued their exploration, I tried to unbutton his shorts.

He put a hand over mine as it uselessly messed with the plastic. "I'll get it."

My body missed his touch as he moved to slip out of his cargo shorts and boxers.

"You're still wearing too much clothing." He hooked a finger in the side of my panties before slowly sliding them down and off of me. "That's better." He moved back to lay down next to me, his lips finding my ear and trailing down a path to my neck, his hand sliding between my legs.

"Ben?" I said breathlessly.

"Yeah?"

"Are we really doing this?"

He chuckled. "I hope so, or you picked a really bad time to change your mind."

"I'm not changing my mind."

"Good."

His weight shifted as he reached for his discarded shorts, retrieving his wallet and pulling out a condom.

"You still carry one around with you?"

"You know, just like the house key, you never know when you're going to need one."

Various parts of my brain warned me that I was about to make a mistake, that having sex with Ben was the least intelligent thing I could do, but Ben silenced my concerns when he returned his lips to my neck, moving lower, only removing them to speak. "Tell me you missed me."

I didn't hesitate to answer. "I missed you."

"Good. That's all I needed to hear."

***

"Damn, I forgot what that was like." Ben flipped onto his back, clasping his hands behind his head, pulling his knees up.

I mirrored his movements, loving how uninhibited I was with him. Even after four years with Adam, I'd still had to fight the urge to cover up my body around him. "You forgot what sex was like?"

"I forgot what sex with you was like. Either my memories didn't do it justice, or it's gotten even better."

"I think it was even better." I hadn't ever remembered feeling so physically fulfilled. I tried to hold onto the feeling of completeness so I could hold off the other thoughts that threatened to drown me.

"I'm glad you're back." He clasped my hand, placing our joined hands on his leg.

I thought about how the chemistry between us was too hard to ignore. Unless we found a way to avoid each other, this wouldn't be a one-time occurrence. "This is going to keep happening, isn't it?"

Ben turned to me with a sheepish grin. "If I have any say in it, it will."

"Then we need to set down some ground rules, or well, at least one."

"Okay, what rule?"

"We keep things purely physical." Sex with Ben was fine, but I couldn't let it go any further. I had nothing else to offer him

"So pretty much you want to use me for my body?" He arched an eyebrow.

"Is that going to be a problem?"

"Do I want no strings-attached sex? Hmm, let me think about it." He pretended to mull it over before grabbing me to pull me on top of him. I looked down into his eyes, loving the contentment I saw there. "Okay, I know I just said it, but I'll say it again, I'm glad your back."
Chapter Eight

After kicking Ben out around one a.m., I got three hours of fitful sleep in before waking up screaming in a cold sweat. The nightmares were worse and seemed endless.

The dreams usually followed such a set pattern, but that night they almost felt like a movie stuck on replay. Just as I was ready to hit the water, I'd be back where I started. Then to make matters worse, images of my dad entered the fray. I'd never had dreams featuring both of them before.

Leaving Boston might have been a way to avoid memories of Adam, but I couldn't stay in my childhood home without thinking about my dad. I idly wondered if I was being punished for actually enjoying myself. With relief, I pulled myself out of bed and got dressed.

Heading out for another run, I decided to take a different route. I wasn't about to take the chance of running into Mr. Mathews again considering his son had just left my bedroom a few hours before. I headed up a few blocks, running along the beach, but in the opposite direction. The downside was that I was running into the wind when it was earlier and cooler out. At least I hoped that, when I was exhausted on the way back, it would be easier.

I saw a figure a little way ahead of me and contemplated hanging back so I wouldn't come up on him. I changed my mind when he stopped. I would just have to pick up the pace and pass him. It was definitely a him—broad shoulders and extremely tall. I realized exactly who it was as I got close. He was still retying a shoe lace when I ran past. I hoped I would go unnoticed.

"Molly?" My first thought was whether I could pretend not to hear him, but the wind wasn't that loud. Reluctantly I slowed down and stopped, turning to face him as he jogged to catch up with me.

"Hi, Gavin."

"Hey. I never see anyone on my runs; nice to know I'm not the only one crazy enough to get up at the crack of dawn for exercise." Gavin seemed to be in his natural element, and I doubted he really considered himself crazy.

I kept the fact that I hadn't actually chosen to get up to myself. "I usually take another route."

"Oh, okay. Do mind if I join you?"

"Sure, why not?"

"Great." He started moving again, and I matched his pace. I assumed he was going slower for me, so I gradually sped up. He followed.

My body was exhausted from lack of sleep, but it felt nice to stretch my muscles. Trying to show up Gavin forced me to push myself a little harder than usual, which was probably a good thing. I didn't mind his company too much, although I was definitely aware of him looking over at me several times.

"This is me," he said about two miles further up the coast.

"Oh, well, nice seeing you." I stopped. It was as good a time as any to turn around and start back. I was supposed to be at work at six forty-five, so I had plenty of time, but I didn't know how far I could push myself.

He wiped sweat off his forehead and shook out some of the moisture from his shirt. "So have you thought about dinner?"

And I thought I'd escaped it. "Sure, but only as friends, it's not a date." I'm not sure why I said yes; maybe because I couldn't think of a rational reason not to. Besides, if I didn't get out with other people, I'd probably spend all my nights hooking up with Ben, and that wouldn't be smart.

He grinned. "Great. Thursday night at six-thirty?"

I got a little suspicious at how detailed he was. "You didn't already make reservations somewhere, did you?"

His smile grew even bigger. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"You're impossible."

"Have a great day. I'll see you soon!" He waved, sprinting toward the road.

"Bye," I called after him before heading home thinking that I should have run my usual route.

***

"You want me to what?" I asked Kelly as we sat at the same table at Marney's Ben had occupied a few days earlier. I absently ran my fingers over the scratches in the black veneer of the tabletop. Someone had gone through a lot of effort to carve in their initials, J.H., especially in such a visible spot.

"Take some engagement shots. Nothing too fancy, but maybe you can make them artistic. We don't want cookie cutter."

"You do realize I'm not a professional photographer, right?"

"Uh huh," Kelly said innocently. She had entirely too much time on her hands now that school was out for the summer. "But we're on a tight budget with the wedding and everything, so I thought... I mean, we can pay you if you want."

"You don't have to pay me. I just can't promise you're going to love what I come up with."

"Of course I will. So maybe Saturday? Want to do the beach?"

The more I thought about it, the more fun it started to sound. "I was actually thinking the marina. But we can do the beach if you prefer."

"No, the marina sounds great. Or wait, I have an even better idea."

"Let's hear it," I said, not sure what to expect.

"Let's go out on a boat. You know, get open water shots."

"Like on Tom's speedboat?"

"No, I was thinking more like one of the Mathews's. They have that gorgeous one they use for events. If we had more money, we'd totally have rented it out for the wedding. But maybe they wouldn't charge us to just use it for an hour."

"Well, you'll have to ask Mr. Mathews then."

"Can't you ask Ben?"

"Kelly." I couldn't believe she was putting me on the spot like this.

"I mean, you've talked to him since Gill's, right? I figure you wouldn't be in such a good mood otherwise."

I looked away, not willing to meet her eyes. "Maybe."

"Molly Marie Sander, what aren't you telling me?"

"Could you keep it down?" The last thing I needed was for Gail to come out and hear this. She'd never let me live it down.

"Spill it," Kelly demanded.

"Hey, weren't you the one trying to hook me up with Gavin?"

"Oh come on, you know I was only sucking up to Tom."

"What about the whole 'give it a chance' speech?" I asked, still looking for a way out of having to admit everything to her. I still wasn't sure how I felt about what happened—let alone having to share it.

"Gavin shmavin, he's not the one you're holding out on me about."

"Okay fine, I've seen him twice."

"Twice?" Kelly yelped, almost falling out of her seat.

"Once that night after I left the bar, and then again last night."

"So what did these visits consist of?"

"None of your business." I messed with the tabletop again, giving myself an excuse to look down.

"I'm your best friend. It's all my business. I never held back on you about Tom and me."

"I wish you would."

"Very funny."

"Fine. The first night we kissed." I decided to leave out the part about me being in my underwear.

"And last night?" I could tell the suspense was killing her.

"Last night he was waiting for me when I got home, and well, it didn't stop with a kiss."

Kelly squealed, jumping out of her chair to get to me across the table. "How much more than a kiss?"

"A lot more." I so didn't want to be discussing this, especially not at Marney's.

"You slept with him?" Kelly yelled. "Wow. So are you guys back together again?"

I looked around the empty café, hoping Gail hadn't heard Kelly's outburst. "No. Absolutely not."

"So it was just one time?"

"Not necessarily."

"Then what?" I sensed some disapproval in her voice, but chose to ignore it.

"We're, uh, going to try to do a causal sex only thing." Man, it sounded worse when I said it out loud.

She shook her head. "No way. No freaking way. There is no way that you and Ben can do that. Not possible."

"Well, it's all I'm okay with."

"You can't do the hook up only thing with an ex. It's not going to work."

"Based on what experience..."

"Books, movies, common sense." She looked at me like it was the most obvious conclusion in the world.

"She's right, you know." Gail pulled up a chair and sat with us. "History can complicate things."

"Please. No." I covered my ears. I didn't need to get a lecture on the pitfalls of casual sex from someone my grandmother's age.

Gail continued. "Let's go easy on her; I have a feeling she'll figure this one out on her own."

"Fine, fine. But even if you're just messing around, you could at least ask him about the boat, right?" She fidgeted in her chair.

"I don't want to have to ask him favors. I hate owing people."

"Hun, you are doing him all kinds of favors, so you're not going to owe him anything. I think it's the least he can do."

"You do realize I'm using him as much as he's using me, right? This was my idea, not his."

"The sex?" Gail asked.

"No. The keeping it casual. It was the only way I'd agree to let it happen again."

"So you'll ask him?" Kelly repeated, playing with the cardboard sleeve on her to-go coffee cup. "It would mean a lot to us."

"Fine, I'll ask, but I'm not making any promises." I was pretty ticked at Kelly for even asking. She wasn't usually the pushy type. It must have been wedding nerves kicking in.

"All right, ladies, it's time for Molly and me to get back to work."

"Okay, okay. I'll leave. By the way, have fun tomorrow night."

"What?"

"Have fun with Gavin." Kelly winked at me.

"It's your fault, you know."

"No, it's Tom's."

"But you're a couple, so by virtue of that status, it's also yours."

Kelly laughed. "I wonder what Ben will think when he finds out. Oh wait, why would he care? You're just hooking up."

"You are such a comedian."

"I know." She grabbed her purse and laughed on her way out the door.

I closed my eyes for a moment, taking a deep breath.

"For a girl who said she wasn't interested in getting back out there, you're sure having some fun." Gail tossed a dish towel at me.

"And I thought coming home would be the solution to my problems," I mumbled before going back to work.
Chapter Nine

I brought my phone in with me when I took a bath that night. When I found the container of wild flower bubble bath, I knew I couldn't resist. None of my apartments in Boston had anything but showers, and I was surprised it took me as long as it did to succumb. I settled into the tub, reveling in the feel of the warm water before calling Becca.

She answered on the first ring. "One second." I could just see her whispering as she grabbed her phone and left the library. It was something I'd seen her do on an almost daily basis since starting law school.

"Hey, stranger." Her friendly voice greeted me.

"Hey yourself. How are you doing?" This was the longest we'd gone without talking since we'd met freshman year of college.

"All right. Just studying for the Civ Pro final."

"Fun, fun," I said sarcastically. I inhaled, enjoying the fragrance of the bubble bath. It was stronger than I'd expected, but I liked it.

"It wouldn't be so bad if you were still here."

"It would be bad for me."

"True enough. Did you even read one case this semester? By the way, when do you plan on telling the school you aren't coming back? All of our professors have been asking about you." I could tell she hadn't really wanted to bring it up.

It felt like it had been ages since I left school, but really, it had only been a few days. "I guess I should probably call. I also need to cancel my loans for the fall." I shuddered, thinking about the huge pile of loans accruing interest. I had no idea how I was ever going to pay them off.

"Yeah, probably a good idea."

"How's your mom?" I quickly changed the subject.

"The same. Not worse, but not better." The pain in her voice was real and raw. Her mom had been battling breast cancer for a few years, and she had recently stopped treatments. They were pretty much just waiting for the end.

"I'm sorry."

"It's not like it's your fault. But do you have anything to cheer me up?" she asked hopefully. She didn't quite sound like herself, and I wondered if things with her mom were worse than she was saying.

"When am I the one with cheerful news?" I'd been a downer for months, and I knew it. Sometimes I wondered how Becca even put up with me.

"Well, you sound better..."

"Do I?"

"Is there any particular reason why?"

I laughed nervously. It sounded phony even to me. "Not that I know of, unless it's the ocean air."

I heard the telltale beep of call waiting. "Can you hold on a second?"

"Sure."

It was Ben. "Hey, what's going on?"

"Hey, Mol. I wanted to see what you were up to."

"Just talking to my friend from Boston."

"Why does it sound like there's an echo?"

"Oh... I guess because I'm in the bath." I readied myself for a suggestive response.

He didn't disappoint. "Can I come join you?"

"Nope. I'm on the phone with my friend, remember?"

"Okay, so maybe later?"

I swirled around the water with a hand, disappointed that it was starting to turn cold. "How about I come to your place?" It had been hard to kick him out, and there was no way I was sleeping next to him. He'd freak out when I had one of my dreams.

"Sounds good to me. I'm on Basil Street now. Number Five."

I hadn't thought about where Ben lived. I still pictured him sleeping in his bedroom at his parents' house—the room with the band posters lining the walls and every video game console known to man hooked up to his TV. I was curious what his current place looked like.

"All right, I'll be over in a bit."

"Great, I can't wait."

I switched back to Becca. "Sorry about that."

"Who was it?"

"Ben."

"Wait, as in high school boyfriend Ben?" Becca knew all about the drama surrounding us. She jokingly referred to him as "the one who got away" even though I'd remind her that I was the one who dumped him.

"The one and only."

"Care to expand on why he's calling you? Is he the 'ocean air' you mentioned earlier?"

I laughed. I loved Becca's humor. "Maybe a little."

"All right, go get some 'ocean air' then." She laughed. "One of us needs a little fun."

"You could try dating again, you know."

"Great idea. Because I have such a good track record with that. Hey, doesn't Ben have a brother?"

"Yes, and he's the last guy in the world I'd set you up with." I wouldn't sic Jake on my worst enemy.

She laughed again. "Fine, but you can't keep all those cute southern boys to yourself. You better send one my way eventually."

"All right, I'll keep that in mind. Good luck with Civ Pro."

"I think I'll be okay on this one. It's Contracts I'm dreading."

"You'll be fine. Just don't push yourself too hard and make sure to get some sleep."

"I'll try," she promised.

I hung up and added some more hot water to the bath. I enjoyed a few more minutes of soaking before draining the tub and taking a quick shower to wash off the remaining bubbles.

It took me a minute to figure out what to wear over to Ben's. I didn't have much experience going over to a guy's place for the express purpose of hooking up. I eventually settled on black yoga pants and a tank. It seemed like the right mix of cute and casual.

I felt a small flutter of nerves as I parked out front of his place. I couldn't pull in because his truck took up the whole driveway. His house was one of those small, cottage style homes. I walked up the front steps, ringing the doorbell while simultaneously reminding myself that there was nothing to be nervous about.

Ben answered the door in nothing but boxers. And I worried about what I was wearing.

"Nice of you to dress up for me," I teased as I followed him in.

"I just got out of the shower. I figured you were clean, I should be too."

He led me into his small den that had an equally small kitchen located just off it.

"Nice place," I commented, taking it in. What it lacked in space, it made up in character. Chair rails and the original wood floors gave the place a warm feel, and the sparse furniture made the most of the limited space.

"Come on. Let me give you a tour."

He showed me a decent sized bathroom, a small room that housed all of his musical instruments, and finally his bedroom. For some reason we both paused in the doorway. As natural as what happened at my house had been, actually planning to let it repeat itself felt different, more dangerous maybe. He walked into his room and grabbed a pair of jeans off his bed. He stepped into his pants, buttoning them before walking back out.

"Want something to drink?" He broke us out of our awkwardness.

"Sure."

I followed him back to the kitchen where he opened two Pacificos, cutting up a lime to put in both. "You like these?"

"Definitely. You can't get much better in the summer."

He handed me my bottle before we moved into the den. Not ready to sit, I walked around the room. There were a couple of pictures on the mantle. One was of him with his family. The other was of us at the beach. He had his arm around me, and the smile on my face looked almost unfamiliar. Had I really ever been that young or carefree?

"Um, yeah. I know that probably seems weird... but I like having it there."

I guessed this was the history part Gail had hinted at.

"Does it weird out the girls you usually bring home?"

"I haven't brought any home in a while, and when I did, we didn't exactly spend much time in here. By the next morning, I don't think any of them would have cared."

"Oh." I knew very well just how many girls Ben was with after I left. Kelly told me all about them, but it was different hearing him admit it. Clearly he had experience with the casual thing.

"Yeah..."

Awkwardness again.

"So you want to watch something?"

"Sure." I was pretty sure that when you're engaging in random hook up sex, you weren't supposed to watch movies first, but I was willing to do anything to stop the weirdness. I was very tempted to bolt for the door.

"Okay. What are you in the mood for?"

"Umm. Something funny." Comedies were usually a safe bet.

He opened a cabinet and started flipping through DVDs. "How about Wedding Crashers? I remember you liked that one."

"Sure, I kind of have weddings on the brain anyway."

"Oh shit. Sorry, Molly. I wasn't thinking." He closed the cabinet and looked at me guiltily.

"No, it's not that. I meant I was thinking about Kelly's wedding," I reassured him.

"Oh. I heard about that. It's in July, right?"

"July fifteenth." I didn't mention that the date was one I wasn't likely to forget. "She actually wants me to take their engagement photos." Maybe I could work the whole boat conversation in naturally.

"Oh cool. You're taking pictures again?"

"I've started since I got home. I don't know if I'll get anything good, but I said I'd try."

"I'm sure they'll be great." He took a seat on the tan couch, and I joined him.

"She actually..." I trailed off, not wanting to even ask. It seemed too presumptuous, and he might feel obligated to say yes.

"What?"

"Kelly wanted to see if there was any way I could take the pictures for her on the Serenity?" I asked, referring to the boat by name.

"Sure. When would you need it?"

"Saturday or Sunday."

"I don't think we have anything scheduled for Saturday morning, if that works."

"Are you sure?"

"Absolutely. Well, on one condition." He broke into a wicked grin.

"What?" I asked hesitantly.

"Come with me right now to check it out."

"Um, now? It's after ten, and why?"

"Just come." He grabbed my hand, pulling me off the couch with him.

"All right." It's not like we were having a blast at his place anyway.

He pulled on a t-shirt that was slung on the back of the couch and snagged his wallet and keys off the half wall separating the den from the kitchen. "After you." He gestured for me to walk out.

I opened the front door, headed down the steps, and waited by the passenger door of his truck. He followed me out and went around to the driver's side.

It had been a long time since I'd been in a truck as big as his, and it took me a second to climb up. I buckled my seatbelt and noticed him staring at me. "What?"

"It just feels like old times having you in my truck."

"It's a different truck." Or really it was an updated one. It was the same model Ford, but this one was new and blue, not gray. I remembered how excited he'd been in high school when his dad had given him his old one. We'd spent more time fooling around in that thing than I would ever admit.

"But it's still you and me." He smiled a little, looking like he was debating whether to say more.

I didn't give him the chance. "Aren't we going to go?"

"Yeah, okay." He backed out of the driveway and drove down to the marina.

He hopped out as soon as he parked and was waiting with a hand ready when I opened my door.

I accepted his hand and jumped down. "Thanks."

He didn't let go of my hand, and I didn't try to pull it away. There was some serious nostalgia going on. Sneaking onto his dad's boat brought back memories—or I guessed this time we weren't sneaking.

Ben led us down the dock and onto the boat, right to the front deck. "It might be a new truck, but it's the same old boat."

I nodded. "That it is."

I headed over to the starboard side, leaning over the railing to watch the gorgeous full moon in the sky. He followed me over, standing behind me with his arms around me. I leaned back into him, closing my eyes.

"I still remember every detail from that night, you know." His arms tightened around me.

"Me too." I knew exactly what night he was talking about.

"I remember how nervous you were afterward."

I nodded even though he probably couldn't see. Maybe he'd felt it. "I was terrified I was pregnant even though I had no real reason to be."

"I seriously thought you'd never have sex with me again, that it would be a onetime deal."

"I thought so to."

"I wanted to hug Shayna when she came home from college and took you to get the pill."

I laughed. "Yeah, she really was a cool big sister to have. My mom would have killed me if I'd asked, and oh god, if my dad found out, you would have been dead too."

"Don't I know it!" I imagined he cringed internally at the thought of my dad finding out. "I had a whole plan you know."

"A plan?"

"For if you'd actually gotten pregnant." His body tensed behind me.

"A plan to handle a pregnancy at sixteen?"

"Oh, it was a great one. You'd move in with me and my parents, and I'd take more hours working for my dad."

"I never got beyond the 'my parents are going to disown me' part." I opened my eyes and looked at the sky again. "The moon was full that night too."

"All we need is a bottle of strawberry Boone's, and we could reenact it."

I chuckled. "Strawberry Boone's. Wow, we really had distinguished taste."

"Hey, all you'd drink was Boone's and wine coolers. You hated beer, and I needed to find a way to get you drunk."

"I wasn't drunk that night."

"I know," he said quietly.

I turned around to look at him. His brown eyes still had the friendliness they always did, but he looked so much older. Maybe it was another five years spent in the sun, or just time passing, but he certainly didn't look like the same boy I left.

He braced his arms on the railing, looking down at me. "You look so sad."

"That's not really what a girl wants to hear." I tried to make a joke of it.

"You still look beautiful, but you look sad. What can I do to change that?"

"You don't have to change it. I'm used to feeling this way."

"That's not an answer. I at least need to try." He ran his hands down my arms, making me shiver. Just a small touch still had such an effect on me.

I leaned up and kissed him lightly on the lips before settling back down on the balls of my feet.

"Is that all you have?" He had that twinkle in his eye that I'd always loved.

"No, I have plenty more." I leaned up again, wrapping my arms around his neck to bring him down to my height. His arms wrapped around me as soon as my lips met his. The kiss was gentle this time. It lacked the heat of the night before. It was a kiss of sadness and regret and not of passion.

I broke the kiss first, and he exhaled deeply.

He brushed a tear off my cheek. I hadn't realized I was crying.

"Please let me make you better."

"Can't you just make me forget?"

"I need to know what you're forgetting. It isn't me, is it?" His eyes were wide, fearful of my response.

"I couldn't forget you if I tried."

He smiled faintly. "Okay, I'll make you forget."

He pulled out a blanket from underneath a bench seat and laid it out in exactly the same spot where I'd lost my virginity to him. I followed him down to the blanket, not worrying about the tears that still fell silently down my cheeks.

He placed light kisses all over my face and neck, his hands moving over me just as softly. He removed our clothes slowly this time, without the previous night's urgency. We didn't say anything, just watched each other. Ben kept his word. He did help me forget. But with his gentle lovemaking that night, he also made me remember something too—how much I loved him— and that terrified me more than any nightmares or memories could. Whatever it was that Ben and I were doing, it wasn't casual.

We barely said another word to each other, deciding to go home after an hour or so of cuddling together under a blanket staring at the stars. He held my hand as he led me back to the truck, opening the door for me this time before going around.

When we got back to his house, I walked over to my car.

"Did I make you forget?" he asked before I could open the car door.

"You did." I'm sure my eyes betrayed the other emotions flooding me.

"You could stay here tonight, you know. You don't have to go home."

"Yes, I do."

"I wish you didn't." His eyes were wide and displayed everything he wasn't saying. Staying the night would be agreeing to move things further than I could handle. Besides, there was no way I could let Ben witness my nightmares. I had to face them on my own.

"Good night then." He kissed me lightly on the lips before stepping back to let me get in the car.

"Night." I got ready to close my door.

"Mol?"

"Hmm?"

"Whenever you're ready to stay the night, the offer is open."

"I'll keep that in mind." I closed the door, pulling away from the curb before he made it to his front door.

When I got home, I poured myself a cranberry vodka, light on the cranberry, and settled down on the couch. I needed to get to my numb place, and I needed to get there fast.

Chapter Ten

I moved through the motions Thursday, but I wasn't really there. The night before, Adam wasn't in my dreams, but Dad was. He was the one screaming for me, but I couldn't actually hear it through the car door. Instead of a hook keeping me from the water—I couldn't budge the door. No matter how hard I pulled, it wouldn't give. A whistle blew, and I woke up crying hysterically. Even though it was the last place in the world I should have gone, I dragged myself down the hall into my parents' bed just like I did as a little girl, before everything in life got so complicated.

I thought about calling Gavin to cancel on our "friend dinner" a few times, but knew that if I did, I'd probably wind up at Ben's, and that was a temptation I needed to resist. I knew I wasn't good for him, but I couldn't stay away. Every time I thought I'd pushed him from my head, his smile would show up in my mind again. Sometimes I'd think about what we'd done recently, but more often than not I'd remember something from when we dated. Usually that led to me comparing my time with him to my time with Adam, which was a horrible idea.

"You okay, sweetie?" Gail asked after I overfilled someone's coffee, splashing it everywhere. I knew she wasn't asking if I got burned.

"Oh, I'm fine, sorry for being distracted." I picked up a cloth and mopped up my mess, smiling in apology as I handed over the coffee to the customer.

"All right. You'll talk to me when you're ready." Gail gently patted my back. She still smelled like coffee and lavender. I liked the comfort of the familiar.

I spent my break taking pictures of flowers at the nursery across the street. Mr. Adkins waved me in when I approached with my camera. I didn't even have to explain what I was doing. The colors of the flowers were amazing, especially the roses, but I shot in black and white. There was something kind of poetic of robbing the flowers of their intense colors and revealing the parts of them that usually got overshadowed. Anyway, I was really more in the black and white mood.

"Could I see your pictures?" Mr. Adkins asked as I got ready to leave.

"Sure." He leaned over me as I flipped through them.

"Do you think you could print out some of those for me?" he asked.

"Oh, sure I can." I looked down at the picture on the screen, surprised he was so interested in my photos. "What type of sizes were you thinking?"

"Maybe just some five by sevens. I'd love to put a few up in the back office."

"All right, not a problem. I'll bring them over soon."

"Great. You've always been so talented with a camera; maybe if you're really sure you don't want to be a lawyer, you can try that."

"What, to be a professional photographer or something?"

"Maybe. But what do I know? It was nice seeing you today. Come by anytime."

"Thanks." I waved as I left. I wondered if I could figure out a way to make any money from my photos. I needed any income I could get.

I was done with work at five, so I walked home slowly, not sure what to make of the night's plans. I wasn't sure where Gavin had made reservations, so I opted to wear a simple spaghetti strap black sundress, figuring it would work anywhere he took us. I hadn't bothered with makeup, and I left my hair down.

Gavin showed up a few minutes early, but I was ready for him. Sitting out on the front porch, I watched him pull his Yukon, complete with roof mounted fog lights and a front winch, into the driveway. Boys only drove big cars in Clayton Falls. It was nothing like the tiny Miata Adam had treated himself to when he got his signing bonus. I was always worried we'd get squashed driving around in it.

Gavin was out of the car and on his way to meet me before I even got off the porch.

He looked me over and smiled. "Hey, Molly, you look amazing."

"Thanks. You don't look so bad yourself." Gavin was in slacks and a light green dress shirt. He didn't seem like the type of guy to dress up much, so I hoped he wasn't taking us anywhere too fancy.

"So where are we going to dinner?"

"I've been meaning to try Nicola's in Wilmington." He held open the passenger door for me, and I climbed up.

I waited for him to get in before continuing the conversation. "Wow, all the way down there."

He laughed. "All the way down there? It's only twenty-five minutes. Besides, it'll give us some time to talk." He patted my leg, a gesture that was a little too friendly for me.

"You do remember that this isn't actually a date, right?"

"Sure. I'm the one who suggested the friend dinner."

"Okay. I was just checking." I felt so guilty about going to dinner with one man when the night before I'd been intimate with another. I could play the casual game all I wanted, but I wasn't going to be seeing two guys. Great, just another thing to feel guilty about.

"What's going on in that head of yours?" he asked as he drove through town.

"Honestly?" Gavin talked like he'd known me for years rather than a few days. I wasn't really sure how I felt about it.

"Of course, who wants the non-honest version?"

"I'm kind of involved with someone. It's nothing exclusive or serious obviously, but I wanted to be upfront considering I told you I wasn't ready to date. I wasn't lying, I'm not ready for that, but—"

"Involved with someone? Is that what you're calling it?" Gavin cut off my rambling.

I looked over at him, not sure what to expect. "Umm, what do you mean?"

"Have you forgotten how small this town is? You think I don't know you've been sleeping with your ex?" His eyes looked amused more than anything. I didn't get it.

"You know? It hasn't been happening a long time."

"Jake Mathews was blabbing about it last night at Gill's..."

"Oh. I didn't realize Jake knew." I could not believe this conversation was happening.

Gavin chuckled. "What does that kid have against you, anyway? The way he described it, you were some witch bewitching his brother into bed."

I groaned. "You do realize I'm the same age as him, right?"

"Sure, but you're more mature. By the way, I told him to go to hell. Besides, witch or not, I don't know why a man would have to be bewitched to sleep with you."

"So, you really don't care? I just thought this whole friend-dinner thing was a pretense."

"Oh, I didn't say I didn't care. I also didn't say I liked it. But I get it. You're using Ben as a rebound. He's safe and familiar, it doesn't take effort to be with him, and you aren't making yourself vulnerable." He placed his hand on my leg again, this time leaving it there. "This dinner might be as friends, but I have no intention of letting it remain that way. I just don't plan on being your rebound."

"Then what do you intend?" I hoped the question didn't come across as flirty.

"You'll get tired of Mathews, and I'll be the one you come to. You don't want familiar and safe—you want exciting and safe. I can give you that combination."

"Exciting and safe? What makes you think I want that?"

He turned to look at me. "You're a wild child playing dress up. There's a reason you dropped out of law school, and it wasn't the break up."

"Is that so?"

"Uh huh, and you know what? I want that too. I want someone I can have fun with, but who is there for me at the end of the day. You can be that woman, I know that."

His hand on my leg started to take on a whole new meaning, so I shifted in my seat trying to let him know I didn't want it there. He got the hint, moving it to the back of my seat.

"Right now I'm just trying to figure out how to speed things up so you realize Mathews is only a distraction."

"I wouldn't spend too much time thinking about it."

"Are you saying it's more?" For the first time he looked a little worried. By then, we were on the interstate heading to Wilmington.

"No. It's not more." I couldn't have more. I didn't deserve more. "But I'm not looking for anything else right now."

"Sure you aren't." He turned to give me a cocky smile before returning his attention to the bumpy road. The road was stripped down to gravel. They must have been getting ready to redo the blacktop.

"This is going to be an awkward dinner."

"Why?" he asked, when we moved back onto smooth road.

"How can you have a non-awkward date after talking about this stuff?"

"So you're calling it a date now. Interesting."

"Oh, come on, you know what I mean." I wrung my hands together, questioning whether to roll down my window. The atmosphere in the car felt a little suffocating.

"All right, so let's talk about something else," he suggested.

"What topic were you thinking?"

"So you're a law school dropout. What made you think you wanted to do law school in the first place?"

Gavin wasn't the first person to ask me that, but he was the first one I didn't give a canned answer. "It seemed like a secure career path, money, respect, and it's what Adam did."

"Money? You don't strike me as the type of girl to be that interested in money."

I shrugged. "You don't really know me, do you?"

"Maybe I haven't known you long, but I don't believe you're that materialistic."

"See, I'm not as much of a catch as you thought."

"Oh, you're a catch all right." He moved his hand back to the steering wheel. "So your ex-fiancé was a lawyer then, or was he in school with you?"

"He was practicing. He was a senior when I met him freshman year."

"Good to know you have a thing for older guys."

I laughed lightly. "Not always."

"Yeah, Ben's almost the same age as you, but you dated him years ago."

I decided not to point out that, considering Ben and I were sleeping together, I was still attracted to guys closer to my age. "How old are you, anyway?"

"How old do you think I am?" he challenged.

"Twenty-eight?"

"Wow, I'm not aging well, am I?" He laughed.

"Then how old are you?" I shifted in my seat to look at him.

"Twenty-six." He smiled.

"I was really far off, huh?"

"You're twenty-two, right?"

"Uh huh, I was young for my class."

"Got to love robbing the cradle."

"You aren't robbing the cradle. You're friends with the cradle, remember?"

"Hey, you slipped up and called it a date. I can try too." He pulled off at our exit and drove through Wilmington. I looked out the window, barely recognizing the sights around us. For as close to the city as I grew up, we didn't go often when I was a kid.

Gavin parallel parked and helped me down from the truck. He put a hand on the small of my back as we walked toward the restaurant. I couldn't believe we hadn't even had dinner yet. It was going to be a long night.

I decided to use dinner to ask Gavin questions, hoping that if the conversation wasn't on me, it might be less awkward.

"So tell me more about you."

"What do you want to know? I'm an open book." He placed his hands palm up on the table to illustrate his point.

"Siblings?" I asked, looking for a safe topic.

He leaned back in his chair, seeming very relaxed. "Two brothers and a sister."

"Where do you fit in?"

"I'm the second from youngest. What about you? I know you have a sister; is that it?" he asked.

"Yeah, just Shayna."

"And she's a doctor?"

Somehow the topic had moved back to me already. "Yup. She's in her anesthesiology residency right now."

"Is she married? Kids?"

"Yeah. Married to another doctor. Two kids."

"Do you like being an aunt?" He sat up straighter, watching me carefully.

"Whoa, I never promised to be an open book."

"Come on, do you like kids?" he asked.

"Sure. Who doesn't?"

"Some people don't."

"Are you an uncle?" I turned the conversation back on him. I was beginning to feel like we were locked in a fencing match, pushing the conversation back and forth between us.

"Yup, I have two nephews and three nieces."

"Wow. Quite the uncle Gavin."

He laughed. "Yeah, but they always ask me when I'm having my own kids."

I didn't like the way he looked at me when he said the last part. It was like he was sizing me up for the position of having his kids.

"Well, hopefully that girl you were telling me about likes kids," I said playfully.

"She does. I mean, come on, who doesn't like kids?"

I couldn't help it; I laughed. "I still don't know why you're wasting your time hanging out with me when you could be spending time with her."

"I still don't know why you're wasting your time screwing around with Mathews when you could be dating me. But you know what? Tonight you're with me and not him, so I can't complain."

The waiter came over to see if we wanted to order any drinks. Gavin tried to guess what my drink of choice was and got it on the first try. "Vodka cranberry?"

The waiter took our dinner orders and left. I'd gone for the manicotti. I was totally craving something with ricotta cheese. Thankfully, Gavin hadn't tried to order for me too. It would have weirded me out if he'd gotten that right.

"Lucky guess."

Gavin snorted. "No, I just know you."

"Keep telling yourself that."

"Oh, I will." He smiled in a way that let me know he was really just joking around. I'd bet I wasn't the only girl with that drink of choice.

The rest of dinner passed pleasantly once we got on to the topic of sports.

"So, did you become a Red Sox fan after so many years in Boston?"

I took a moment to finish a bite of my manicotti. "Not really. My friend Becca is a diehard fan and took me to a few games, but I'm really not a baseball fan. Are you?"

"You can say that." He smiled.

"Okay, what aren't you saying?"

"I played in the minors for a while after high school."

"Really? Any team I'd know?" I may not have been a baseball fan, but I still thought playing professionally was pretty cool. I could definitely see Gavin as an athlete. He was in incredible shape and just had that look.

"The Durham Bulls."

"Oh, I love that Bull Durham movie."

"Sorry to disappoint you, but I didn't play with Kevin Costner."

"Oh, that's disappointing." I fake pouted. "I'm not sure if this is a sore topic, but why did you stop playing?"

"Rotator cuff tear—destroyed my pitching arm."

"Oh, I'm really sorry. That must have been awful." I imagined giving up baseball couldn't have been easy on him.

"It was. I had just signed a new contract to move up to the majors—I thought I'd made it. But what can you do? You move on." He shrugged.

His positive attitude impressed me. "So how'd you go from baseball to being a cop in Clayton Falls?"

"I needed to find something else to do, and I had a friend who suggested I try the academy. I met Tom there and he took me home with him to visit once. Clayton Falls seemed like as good a place as any to move, and I love the beach."

"And you like it here?"

He smiled. "Most of the time. I like my job, and I've got some great friends. Now all I'm missing is the right girlfriend." He winked.

I shook my head. "Good luck with that."

When the check came, I tried to grab it first so I could figure out what I owed.

"Nope, I'm treating, remember?"

"Let's split it."

"How about this; I'll pay tonight and you can get dinner next time."

"How do you know there is going to be a next time?"

"Exactly. There'll have to be if you want to call it even." He put a credit card down, letting me know as far as he was concerned, the conversation was over.

"Well then, thanks for dinner." I hoped he wasn't holding his breath on there being another dinner. He was a nice guy, but we were never going to be more than friends, and I didn't want to lead him on.

"My pleasure."

***

"Good morning, sleepyhead, we're almost back," Gavin said as I tried to wake up. I must have nodded off on the way back from dinner.

It took me a moment to realize where we were. The thick woods on either side of us could have been anywhere, but not the old run down gas station. "You can't take this road!" I shouted. "You have to turn around and go the other way."

"Why? It's faster this way and closer to your house."

"Please, just turn around. Please." I started to panic, ready to beg him if necessary to avoid the railroad crossing.

Gavin looked spooked. "Seriously? Okay, I'll turn around and go back around the long way."

"Thank you." I let out a deep sigh once he had us headed around and back on the highway.

"Are you going to tell me what that was all about?"

I didn't want to tell him, but I also felt that I had to explain my behavior. "It's not a pretty story."

"I'm a cop, Molly. I can handle it."

"I can't drive over that railroad crossing. I haven't in five years."

"Why?" he asked gently.

I breathed in and out a few times, preparing myself. "It's where my dad died."

Gavin slowed down the car, pulling off into the dirt on the side of the road. "Your dad died at that crossing? That cross is for him?"

"Cross?" I'd never actually gotten the nerve to visit the spot. Even though I hadn't gone to see the accident scene, I could picture the mangled metal of his car. My chest tightened at the thought of looking at the crossing.

"Have you never seen it?"

"No."

Gavin unbuckled his seatbelt, turning to look at me. "I'm really sorry to hear that. You said it was five years ago, so you were in high school?"

"It was the summer before college."

"That must have been tough."

"It was, mostly because it was my fault." I looked down at my hands in my lap.

"Your fault? But you weren't with him, right?"

"He did it because of me," I said it quickly, waiting for Gavin's reaction, knowing the sympathy would disappear.

"What? It was a suicide?"

"Not one that could be proved. He didn't leave a note, but why else would he drive onto the tracks? He was a very safe driver. It made no sense."

"Accidents rarely make sense."

"He'd lost his job a few weeks before, and earlier that week he told me." Once I started telling the story, I couldn't stop.

Gavin's hands squeezed mine reassuringly, and I tried to concentrate on the contact rather than the story. "He told me he couldn't pay for college, and instead of understanding, I threw a fit. I yelled at him and told him it wasn't fair. I got the grades and a partial scholarship to Boston University. He'd promised to pay the rest."

I didn't dare look up at Gavin. I couldn't handle seeing the look of disgust. "He told me I needed to grow up and accept that things change. I could take a semester off, maybe take some classes at a community college and hope for a scholarship from one of the state schools. I told him I hated him. I didn't talk to him. Two days later, he was gone."

"You can't actually think you had anything to do with it, even if he did kill himself. You know that right?"

"I know he died with us fighting, and I know I made him feel like he let me down. Why wouldn't I believe I pushed him over the edge?"

Gavin shook his head and didn't say anything for a minute. I waited nervously for him to change his tune and tell me he was disappointed to hear I would treat someone that way. Instead, he steered the conversation in a different direction.

"But you still went to BU, right?"

"I did. Mom tried to make me use some of the life insurance money. They never even investigated whether it was an accident or not. I refused to take any of it. I took out loans for what the scholarship didn't cover. I still can't look at my mom and sister without feeling sick. I robbed them of him, and they both know it." What I didn't tell Gavin was how I still cringed every time I heard a train whistle late at night, or how I'd drive miles out of the way just to avoid ever crossing railroad tracks.

"Molly, please. Have you really been carrying this around with you for five years?"

I suddenly realized how ridiculous it was to be pouring all of this out on a guy I hardly knew. A barking dog broke through the silence of the night. "I'm sorry, we can go."

"No. No, we can't go. You need to stop beating yourself up."

"It's why Ben and I broke up, you know," I said quietly.

"What do you mean?"

"He wasn't there for me that night. He was too busy getting high with his friends. He said he didn't hear his phone, but I have no idea whether he did or not. I decided he wasn't responsible enough for me. I couldn't rely on him."

"Ben was a druggie, huh?"

"Not exactly." It felt wrong to discuss Ben like that. My instinct was to defend him. "He liked to get high, and I hated that he did. He tried to hide it from me, but I always knew."

"Well, I can't comment on the Ben part, but you can't keep blaming yourself for your dad. People make their own decisions. No one else can make their choices for them."

"Yeah, but we can influence their decisions."

"I'm not going to push you, but maybe you need to go look at the crossing—force yourself to move on."

"Maybe one day." I doubted it would be anytime soon. "Can you please take me home?"

"You sure? Do you really want to be alone?"

Part of me wanted to tell Gavin about Adam, lay it all out there, but I couldn't do it. "I need to be."

"All right." He pulled back out onto the road, and we rode in silence until we got to my house. He touched my arm before I could get out. "You know you can get through this, right?"

"Yeah, I know." I told him what he wanted to hear, but I wasn't sure that I knew anything anymore.

"When can I see you again?"

I half choked, half laughed. "You want to see me again?"

"Of course. I thought I made myself clear earlier. But anyway, we have a joint bachelor-bachelorette party to plan."

I hadn't even considered the bachelorette party. I had no idea where I would come up with money for it. I was already dangerously close to dipping below the minimum in my checking account. "They want a joint party?"

"They thought it would be more fun that way. Those two can't stand to be away from each other for long."

"I can see that. Okay, I'll call you."

"I'm going to hold you to it."

"All right." I got out of the car to head to the door.

Gavin followed, stopping with me on the front step. "Take care of yourself."

"I will. Thanks for dinner."

He smiled. "Anytime."

I went inside, locking the door behind me before going right up to my room. Gavin's headlights reflected off the windows as he pulled out.

I changed into pajamas before stretching out on my bed, pulling a dog eared paperback from the shelf. I started to read A River Runs Through It for the umpteenth time, reveling in the comfort of a well-worn book. I'm not sure exactly what made me love that book so much. It was sad—but also so real.

My cell rang. It was Ben, and I let it go to voice mail. Part of me, or really most of me, craved his presence, but I needed to stay away. I waited until my phone beeped, announcing the voicemail before dialing in to hear it.

"Hey, it's me. I was wondering what you were up to tonight. I came by earlier, but you were out I guess. Feel free to come over or just give me a call. Okay, bye."

Great, Ben had stopped by to see me. I decided to just text him back; there would be too much temptation if I heard his voice. I told him I was exhausted and going to bed. Thirty seconds later, my phone rang again and I just bit the bullet and picked up.

"Hello."

"Hey. If you're going to bed, can I come join you?"

"I mean really going to bed. I haven't exactly had much sleep lately." Of course, even if I hadn't been spending time with him, I wouldn't have slept much.

"All right. If you're sure." He didn't bother to hide his disappointment.

"I'm sure."

"Okay, so I guess I'll see you Saturday morning then, for that photo shoot."

"Oh yeah, great! Did you double check with your dad?"

"Yes. He had no problem with it, but my mom gave one condition." It sounded like he was smiling.

"What condition?"

"You have to come over to their house for dinner Saturday night."

"Seriously?"

"Completely. I think she's disappointed you haven't come by to see her yet."

"Oh." I honestly didn't think she'd want to see me. She'd come over herself when I broke up with Ben to ask me to reconsider and give him another chance. Seeing Mr. Mathews was one thing, seeing his wife was another.

"Maybe we'll find another place to do the pictures."

Ben snorted. "Molly! You can't be that scared of Mom. You two always got along, and she loves you. You know that."

"She might have loved me before, but not anymore."

"Kind of how you thought I hated you, right?"

"Well... I just—" I started to explain.

"I'll see you Saturday. That is, unless you want to see me before then."

"I'll see you Saturday."

"Wrong answer; you're supposed to say you can't wait that long."

I laughed. "Goodnight, Ben." Part of me had been tempted to tell Ben about my dinner with Gavin, but I didn't want to stir up trouble if I didn't have to.

"Goodnight."
Chapter Eleven

Saturday morning started out hazy, but I was confident the sun would break through in time for the pictures. I headed down to the marina around nine, a good half-hour before I needed to be there. I decided to walk, carrying only my camera bag and a bottle of water, shoving my wallet, cell phone, and keys in my back pocket. Even with the early hour, it was hot, and my light blue jean skirt with the intentional rip felt sticky against my legs by the time I arrived. Ben was already there, chatting with his dad. I prepared myself for potential awkwardness.

"Hi, Ben, Mr. Mathews."

"Hey." Ben hopped down off the boat to greet me. "Still wearing your usual wardrobe, I see."

"Just realizing that?"

"Well, the first few times could have just been flukes."

"Very likely." I smiled. "So you think the sun is going to cooperate today?"

"Yeah, I do."

"Well, I guess we have some time before Kelly and Tom get here."

"A little bit. Why don't you get yourself set up?"

Mr. Mathews greeted me with a grin as I boarded the boat. Ben looked so much like his father that it was sometimes eerie when I saw him, like I was taking a peek into Ben's future or something. In the darkness the other night, I hadn't really looked at it, but the Mathews's 60 foot Chris-Craft still looked as beautiful as ever. Ben had always worked long hours with his father keeping up the wooden boat. I don't think either father or son minded much. It was like their baby. It was also one of their biggest money makers because they could rent it out for weddings and other events. "Hi there, Molly. By the way, you're not a kid anymore. You can call me Mark now."

"Hmm, I guess I could try."

He laughed. "Your parents always made such a big deal about formalities. It's no wonder you have trouble breaking out of it."

I knew he was really referring to my dad. Although our mothers were always friendly, my dad and Ben's never got along. They were in very different social circles, but everyone knew how strict my dad was and how tight a ship he ran at home.

Dad never liked me dating Ben. He thought Ben was a bad influence on me and accused him of using his family's money to stay out of trouble. Dad probably would have forbidden me from dating him if my mom hadn't intervened. I think the only reason he was okay with me moving across the country for school was to keep us apart. He thought we were getting too serious and that I needed more options. I wonder what he'd think if he knew his death is what finally broke us up.

"Earth to Molly. You doing okay, space cadet?" Ben touched my arm, bringing me back to the present.

"Sorry, I guess I'm out of it this morning."

"Anything you want to talk about?"

"Nope, but thanks."

"All right. Here comes the happy couple."

Kelly and Tom headed over, dressed up in clearly coordinated outfits. Kelly wore a light blue sun dress, and Tom wore a shirt in the exact same shade of blue.

"Hey, guys." Tom came to join us on the front deck.

"Hey." I gave a small wave.

Kelly made a beeline for Mr. Mathews. "Thanks so much for letting us use the boat today."

"It's fine. I'd never deny Molly a favor, and it's a nice day to head out on the water anyway."

Deny me a favor? Of course that's how it would be construed.

Mr. Mathews went inside to take the wheel, and we headed out. I leaned against the railing, watching the marina disappear behind us. I loved being out on the ocean. I promised myself that if I ever made a lot of money, the first thing I'd buy would be a boat.

"I don't think you'd survive living away from the coast." Ben joined me, his arm rubbing against mine.

"You couldn't either."

"Nope, I couldn't. Sometimes I wonder how people do it. How do they survive in those landlocked states?" He looked longingly out at the water. Two things really made Ben come alive—his music and the water.

"You can't miss what you've never had."

"Yeah, I guess not. I feel bad for those people who grew up on the water and had to move, though."

"They can always take beach vacations, right?"

"What if a vacation isn't enough?"

"I think you learn to take what you can get." I moved away from him, not liking where the conversation was headed.

We were getting close to the perfect spot to anchor, so I went to talk to Kelly about what kind of shots she was looking for.

"I don't know. We just want some cute pictures, maybe some artistic ones."

"Artistic ones? What does that mean exactly?"

"I think that's your department."

"All right. I'll do my best."

We anchored, and I started with some posed pictures of the couple while Ben and his father watched. Through my lens, I witnessed just how happy Tom made my best friend. You couldn't fake that level of happiness. I couldn't help contrasting it to what Adam and I had in the end. I loved being with Adam. I knew that, but I definitely never glowed like Kelly. It wasn't jealousy that set me on edge as I snapped some candid shots of them laughing and playing around. Instead, it was just sadness for what I'd been missing.

A large splash made me jump, holding my camera against my chest. I looked down into the water to see Ben swimming along the side of the boat. By the size of the splash, he must have jumped from the highest deck. "Ben! You're lucky you didn't get my camera wet."

"Oh, stop whining, I wasn't that close to you. Come join me. The water feels great." He grinned, floating on his back.

"No thanks, I didn't bring a swimsuit."

"That didn't stop you the other night."

Mr. Mathews cleared his throat. "On that note, I think I'm going to go inside and make sure everything is in order."

I felt my cheeks heat. "Mr. Mathews, can't you control your son?"

"It's never worked before, and I'm not about to try again now." He laughed and walked away.

Kelly and Tom joined me at the railing.

"Are either of you coming in?" Ben asked while treading water.

"No thanks, but it does look refreshing," Tom replied.

Ben dove under for a minute and came back up. "I don't know how the rest of you aren't boiling."

"We are, but we're suffering in silence," I said.

"Oh, the martyr."

Kelly laughed. "We are boiling. Let's get this done so we can get out of the sun."

I finished up with a few more pictures and Ben came back onboard. I tried to ignore how good he looked with the water dripping off him. He caught me looking and smirked. He let the sun dry his shorts as we started back in.

I went back to the railing, enjoying the feel of the wind and sun on my face. It was impossible to keep Ben out of the water. It was even harder to keep me out of the sun.

"Thanks again, Mr. Mathews. We really appreciate it, and I can't wait to see how the pictures turn out." Despite her earlier complaint about the heat, Kelly radiated excitement when we arrived back at the dock.

"It was no problem," Mr. Mathews assured them again.

"I can show you the pictures anytime; just let me go through them first so I can pick out the ones I think are best."

"Okay, great. You're so awesome!" Kelly hugged me before following Tom to his SUV. They had a meeting with the pastor doing their wedding. It was some sort of mandatory pre-wedding counseling.

"Big plans for the day?" Mr. Mathews asked after they drove away.

"Not unless grocery shopping counts."

"Oh, that's great. Maybe you can help Ben find a gift for his mother. It's Mother's Day tomorrow, you know."

Oh no. I had almost forgotten. I'd have to rush to have some flowers delivered to Mom.

"By the look on your face, I'd say you have some shopping to do too."

"What do you say?" Ben asked.

I didn't have an excuse. "Sure, when were you thinking about going?"

"How about now? We're already out."

"All right, works for me, but don't you want to change?"

"Why would I change? My clothes are dry." He pulled the fabric of his shorts away from his body to demonstrate.

"Okay, suit yourself."

We said goodbye to Ben's dad and got in his truck. "So where are we going? What kind of gift did you have in mind?"

"I don't know. I usually just get her flowers or something, but then Jake always outdoes me with some meaningful gift."

"So you want to be more creative?"

"I guess."

"Okay, so maybe we should try some antique stores?" I suggested.

"I don't know..."

I thought about the kind of woman his mother was, what she'd appreciate. "I've got it."

"What?"

"Do you have any old pictures at your place?"

"Pictures of what?"

I rolled my eyes. "Of your family, when you were kids."

"Oh yeah, I have an album of old ones Mom made when I moved out."

"Okay, perfect. Is your mom still into wind chimes?"

Ben laughed. "Of course. Their porch sounds like a freaking symphony nowadays."

"We need to stop by the craft store, but I have a great idea."

"All right. You've got that look in your eyes. This is going to be good."

"I hope so."

A half hour later, I sat cross legged on the floor of Ben's living room waiting for hot glue to dry. I'd managed to create a wind chime complete with pictures of all of her boys. Mrs. Mathews always said she had three because her husband could be such a kid sometimes. It looked pretty good, and more importantly, it was something she'd specifically appreciate.

"I think you'll have Jake beat this year."

"Absolutely, thanks so much."

"No problem, but can I use your computer? I need to send my mom flowers, and I hate having to do things like that on my phone." I was still feeling bad about almost missing the holiday.

"Sure. My laptop's in my room." Ben got up and headed down the hall to his bedroom. I followed behind.

When I'd peeked into his room the other night, I hadn't really taken a good look at it. The only furniture in the room was a queen sized bed, a small bedside table, and a dresser placed in a corner. The walls were painted off-white just like the rest of the house. I figured that's how Ben found it and never changed it. The only thing on the walls was a black and white photo of a sailboat on the ocean—and I recognized it as one of mine. Between the picture of us in his living room and the fact that he had one of my photos on his bedroom wall, I really didn't know what he had been thinking before I came back to town.

I had to smile watching Ben try to quickly make his bed while I looked around. He obviously hadn't been expecting company. Retrieving his laptop from the bed stand, he tossed it over to the side of the bed I stood near before laying down on the opposite side, leaning against the pillows.

I sat down on the bed, opening up the computer and waiting for it to wake up.

"You can make yourself more comfortable, you know."

I scooted back before turning and propping myself up with an extra pillow. "Fancy office you have here."

"I don't have a need for one."

"Yeah, me either. Not anymore." For the first time in ages, I didn't need to study. It still felt like I was on an extended vacation, and I was going to wake up with a list of assignments a mile long.

I spent a few minutes finding the right site and looking for some flowers I could actually afford. I wanted something nice though. I wanted to make up for shutting Mom out. I hated hurting her, but I didn't know what else to do. She knew how much it upset Dad when we fought, and I worried that every time she saw me, she remembered how horribly I'd behaved. She tried to reach out to me over and over, but I didn't know how to have a normal relationship with her anymore.

"This is kind of natural, isn't it?" Ben brought me back to the present. I looked over to see him smiling with his hands behind his head, reclining comfortably.

"What is natural exactly?"

"This." He moved a hand out to gesture at us lounging on his bed. "It's nice to just sit with you like this."

"Oh. Yeah, it's peaceful, I guess." I didn't need to tell him that he was right. I was dying to say something about the sailboat photo though. He beat me to it.

"Do you remember when you took that picture?"

"Not specifically, but I think I have a copy of it somewhere." I finished, finally selecting a small arrangement made up entirely of purple, Mom's favorite color, and set aside the laptop.

"You took it the day after you told me you were going to Boston."

"Oh." I looked away from him, not wanting to relive that conversation. I ran my fingers over the blue madras pattern of his quilt, messing with a string that had come loose.

"I freaked out on you. I know that. I called you selfish and accused you of using it as an excuse to get away from me. I must have sounded like a fucking psycho."

"I wasn't surprised by your reaction. We considered ourselves pretty serious back then."

"Why'd you decide you wanted to go so far away? Until then I always thought Chapel Hill was your dream school."

"I don't know. Part of it was just wanting to try something different, I guess."

"And the other part?" He sat up on an elbow, leaning toward me.

"I didn't want to be left behind."

"Left behind by who?"

"You."

He sat up. "What? How could you have thought for a second I'd ever leave you behind?"

"You were so focused on your band. I figured that if you ever really got a break, you'd leave and never look back at anything—including me. I refused to be that girl." We hadn't bothered to turn on the lights, and with less direct sunlight streaking in, the room became progressively darker.

"You actually thought that? You honestly believed I could ever want anyone but you in my life? That I wouldn't take you anywhere I went?"

"Yeah. Why wouldn't I have? I was seventeen. How many high school relationships make it past graduation?"

I looked away from him and out the window. I watched a bird strut back and forth on the branch of a tree. I wondered why it walked so slowly when it could fly instead.

His hands found mine. "I never would have left you." He tugged on my arm a little as he leaned back again, still holding one of my hands. "I guess that was the difference between us."

"What do you mean?" I turned toward him.

"I never believed there was anyone else out there. I knew completely that no one else would ever make me feel the way you did. You were the best thing that ever happened to me, and from the day I realized I loved you, I never even considered a future without you." He exhaled loudly. "But it wasn't like that for you, was it? You wanted to make sure you weren't missing out on something better."

His words stung, getting me in a place that was already so riddled with emotional scars that I wasn't sure I could take any more. He was right, of course. I had been looking for more, never satisfied with what I had. Maybe that was my problem in life. I always looked ahead to greater things.

I searched for words, but couldn't find any, so instead I leaned back and dared to look over at him again. His eyes weren't accusatory, but they did reveal a level of pain I hadn't expected to see. He opened his arms, and I let myself fall into them. I hurt so badly that I would take any comfort I could get, even if it would hurt more later.

"I'm sorry if I upset you. There's just so much I've wanted to say to you, but never had the chance. I had a plan to get you back, you know."

"Really?"

"Yeah. I was going to propose to you that first Thanksgiving when you came home. I bought the ring and everything."

"What?" I pulled away from him so I could see if he was serious.

The wistful expression on his face proved the sincerity of his statement. "I was going to propose to you out back on your dock—on the exact spot where we had our first kiss. I was so sure that it would show you how serious I was and that you would realize that you could rely on me, that I could take care of you."

"And I didn't come home that year."

"No, you didn't. But Shayna and her husband did. She told me you weren't home and didn't give me any details. Her husband followed me out and said, man to man, I needed to know the truth—you were spending Thanksgiving with your new boyfriend's family." Ben's face twisted into a pained expression as he replayed the exchange.

"Oh god, Ben. I'm sorry you found out that way. I didn't even think about what it would be like for you. I was so focused on moving on and never looking back."

"I kept the ring. I always felt that getting rid of it meant I was really giving up. Even when I found out you were engaged—which pissed me off royally, by the way. You see that spot where the paint is messed up over there?" He pointed to an indent in the wall by the door.

"Yeah?"

"That's where I punched my fist through the wall when I heard you were getting married. But you know what? Even then I couldn't fully give up. I mean, people call off engagements all the time, right?" He paused, looking at me for agreement. My eyes returned to the mismatched paint on the wall. Somehow that physical manifestation of the pain I'd caused Ben was like an accident scene. I couldn't look away.

"Even as I lived my life pretending you didn't exist, I kept waiting for you to come back to me. I thought I was dreaming when I first saw you at Marney's, and you told me you were single."

My chest hurt, and my throat felt like it was closing up. "Ben I don't know what to say..."

"But I wasn't dreaming. You are really back, and you're lying here on my bed with me."

"Ben—" I tore my eyes away from the wall.

"No. Don't. Don't remind me that this is just a casual thing. I get that. And I'm okay with it—at least for now. I just need to have you with me in any way I can get you. Don't let this scare you away. I don't expect any more from you." He pulled me against him again, but this time the gesture wasn't to give reassurance. He kissed me roughly, his hands equally rough as they kept me at his side. I'm not sure where things would have gone from there if his phone hadn't rung.

He composed himself for a moment before answering. "Hi, Mom."

I suppressed a giggle. Awkward. "Yup, Molly's with me."

"Umm, sure. We can pick those up. You want us to come right over?"

"All right, we'll be there soon."

"We're okay, right?" he asked after hanging up. "I haven't completely scared you off, have I?"

I wanted to tell him it wasn't okay, that I couldn't be with him if he still had feelings that strong, but I was getting so damn tired of lying all the time. I didn't want to stay away from Ben. I didn't want him to stop loving me because I loved him. I just wished I had more to give or that I was strong enough to walk away before I did more damage. But maybe the damage was already done. Maybe he really meant it when he said he'd take me in any way he could. Maybe he could accept me as broken and messed up as I was. I kept all those thoughts to myself. "I'm still here, aren't I?"

"Yeah, you are." He smiled before getting up and pulling me to my feet, catapulting me into his arms.
Chapter Twelve

Ben's parents were waiting for us on the side porch. His mother stood up and hugged me the second she saw us. "It's so nice to have you here, Molly. I was so happy to hear you were back."

"Thanks, Mary. It's nice to be home." Even though Ben's dad was always Mr. Mathews, for some reason I'd always called his mother by her first name. I was prepared for a cold reception, not the warm welcome I received, so I didn't know how to act at first. "Thanks for inviting me for dinner." Mary hadn't changed at all. Her long brown hair was pulled back into a low ponytail, and she wore her usual style of casual dress.

"Of course, sweetie. I just wish we didn't have to twist your arm to get you here."

Ben jumped in quickly. "Mom, I never even asked her. It's not like she kept refusing."

"Yes, but you said you knew she would refuse."

"Which is true, so please drop it. She's here now, it's over."

I took the argument as a cue to take a seat in one of the Adirondack chairs I'd always loved.

"Can I get you something? I made some sweet tea."

"Yes, please. That would be great." She poured me a glass and had Ben hand it to me.

"I can't seem to get any real answers from my son." She turned to glare at him. "What brings you back to town?"

"I quit law school and needed a place to catch my breath for a while." I wished I had a better answer, but that one would have to do. I took a few sips of my tea.

"Do you plan to stay in town long?"

No matter how many times someone asked me the question, I still didn't have a good answer. "I don't know. I took a job at Marney's until I can figure something out. This was a last minute decision."

"What did you study in school again?" Mr. Mathews asked.

"Political science. Yeah, I know. It's not really going to help me get a job."

Ben laughed, taking a seat in the chair next to me.

"If you want more hours than Gail can give you, I am sure I can find you something at the marina. If nothing else, I could hire you to take some new pictures for our advertisements." Mr. Mathews appeared eager to help.

"Oh, thanks. That's awfully nice of you, but I'm okay really. Plus, I would take those pictures for free."

"Not a chance. I'll pay you. Why don't you stop by my office sometime, and we can discuss the details?"

"Sure. I can do that." Maybe I could make some money from photography after all.

"Great. I have to say it's nice to see you two kids together again. You've always made such a good looking couple." He smiled.

Together again? What had Ben told his parents?

"Dad, we aren't really a couple. I told you that," Ben stammered.

Mary leaned forward in her chair. "And if you recall, I told you that no girl like Molly actually wants a strictly sexual relationship."

Oh my god. Oh my god. This conversation wasn't happening. Women like Mary didn't say things like 'sexual relationship.' "Could you excuse me for a second?" I sped inside and to the half bath off the kitchen, closing and locking the door behind me.

I splashed some water on my face, trying to figure out how I was going to get myself out of this incredibly awkward situation. I didn't have my car, and I was on the opposite side of town from my house. I could conceivably walk, but it would take a while. Getting stranded without a car was becoming a pattern.

Before I could work myself up too much, there was a knock on the door. "One minute."

"Molly, it's me, honey," Mary called.

I reluctantly opened the door, trying to compose myself.

"Why don't we have a little chat? Want to help me husk the corn? Mark just took Ben out front to look at some problems he's having with the landscaping."

"Okay." I didn't see any other choice. I hoped she didn't realize just how embarrassed I was.

I took a large bag of corn from the counter and followed Mary back out onto the porch. Removing the first ear, I set to work.

"I didn't mean to upset you. Sometimes my big mouth gets me in trouble."

"You don't have to apologize," I reassured her.

"Yes, I do. But that doesn't change anything."

I smiled a little before returning my attention to the corn.

"You know he still loves you, don't you?"

"Yeah, I know."

"And you still have feelings for him that go beyond physical attraction, don't you?"

I sighed. "Being able to deny it would make things easier."

She laughed lightly. "I thought so. What I don't understand is what's holding you back. Are you still stinging from your breakup? How long ago did it happen?"

"It's been months." At least that part was true.

"I'm sorry. I know that must have hurt."

"It did; it does."

"But you shouldn't let that stop you from trusting someone else. Ben's a good man. He has his faults just like he always has—just like we all do—but you'll never meet someone more in love with you then he is. And in case you didn't know, there is nothing more powerful than that for a woman."

"I'm not ready." There was something more powerful—guilt.

"Well, he isn't going anywhere. And I mean that. I don't think he's letting you leave again. If you decide to leave Clayton Falls, it's going to be with Ben at your side."

I shifted uncomfortably. I couldn't take the serious conversation, not after the one Ben and I'd just had. I was grateful when I heard voices approaching. My relief disappeared when I saw that Jake was with them. I guess I should have expected he'd be there, but I didn't want to deal with him.

"Nice to see you." Jake pulled out an ear of corn and took a seat next to me to help husk.

I looked at him quizzically. Had his family told him he had to be on good behavior or something? "Uh, hey."

"How are things?"

I couldn't keep the sarcasm away. "So you're nice to witches now?"

Jake smiled. "Oh, I guess you heard about my tirade at Gill's the other night. I'm sorry about that. I honestly didn't remember it until Tom gave me hell the next morning."

"What tirade?" Ben sounded defensive. "What were you saying about her?"

"He called me a witch and accused me of bewitching you."

"Real cool, man, real cool."

"I was drunk. So sue me." He tried to say it nonchalantly, but the way he avoided my eye made it seem like he felt bad about it.

"You're lucky Mom's here," Ben warned.

"I'm terrified. So who told you anyway? Tom?"

"No, Gavin."

"Oh, the newest addition to your fan club," Jake said condescendingly.

"Shut up."

"Gavin? As in the jolly green giant cop? How do you even know him?" Ben asked.

"He's Tom's partner, so Tom and Kelly introduced us."

"Oh, so you just ran into him or something?" Warning bells were going off. I'd heard this tone from Ben before, and it was never pretty.

I needed to be honest. "No. I had dinner with him the other night."

"You what?" Ben squared his shoulders.

"It wasn't a big deal. He just wanted to hang out as friends."

"Where'd you eat?"

"Oh, an Italian place in Wilmington."

"You went with him to Wilmington?" Ben asked incredulously. "When?"

"Ben, you need to calm down," Mary tried to soothe him.

"Thursday night."

"Thursday night? The night you didn't want me coming over? You were with him, weren't you? You were probably in his fucking bed." Ben's hands were in his hair, his face a complete mask of rage.

"I was home in my own bed, just like I told you. Thanks for jumping to conclusions. What, do you think I'm sleeping around with everyone now?" Then the stubborn side of me kicked in. "Not like it would be your business if I was. We're supposed to be keeping things casual, remember?"

"Fuck that." Ben stormed out of the screened in porch, slamming the door behind him. A minute later, I heard his truck start up out front.

Suddenly, walking home sounded appealing. It hurt more than I expected to have Ben angry at me and for him to accuse me of sleeping around.

"Well, that went well." Jake smirked.

Mary swatted at his arm. "Don't start, Jake. Go find your brother and bring him home."

"What? Why?"

"Do it." Mary glared at her youngest son.

"I'm going to go." I stood up.

"He just needs time to cool down. Why don't you wait here?" Mary said calmly.

"He needs to stay away from me. I'm not good for him anymore. I'm going to go ahead and go before it gets too dark."

"I didn't see a car out front; were you going to walk?" Jake asked.

"Yeah, it's not too far."

"I'll give you a ride home before I search for Ben."

"No, it's okay."

"Stop it, both of you. Molly isn't going anywhere. She agreed to come over for dinner, and we haven't had dinner yet." Mr. Mathews looked pleased with himself for finding a solution. "I'm sure Ben will calm down and come back. He was just surprised."

"That's right." Mary smiled at him.

"Do you still want me to look for him?" Jake stood with his keys in his hand.

"You know what? On second thought, just wait here. There's no reason to have you both running around town."

I busied myself helping with Mary in the kitchen while we waited. I kept glancing over to see if Ben was back. We were bringing everything to the table when I looked up and saw Ben standing in the doorway.

"Can I talk to you?" He seemed much calmer than he'd been before he left.

"Sure." I followed him out onto the porch, not sure whether I felt more guilty or angry.

"I shouldn't have gone off on you like that. You're right. We did agree to keep things casual. I don't care what we call what's going on between us, but I want it to be exclusive. I've never been good at sharing anything, and I'm sure as hell not okay sharing you."

Ben's anger had turned to hurt and fear. I would have done anything to fix it. For once, I wanted to make someone happy. "Is it possible to have a sex only relationship that's exclusive?"

"Why not? I think we're more than capable of satisfying each other without involving anyone else."

"Sure. I can do exclusive." Based on Ben's freak out and my reaction to it, the casual part was a joke anyway. "But no flipping out on me again. I know I upset you, but I'm not going to put up with you insinuating things about me." I hoped he heard the steel in my tone.

"Okay, I promise. I'm really sorry. You just bring out this protective side of me."

"You call that protective?"

"Okay... crazy side. But are we cool?"

"I don't know. Are we?" I teased, needing to ease the tension.

Ben instantly picked up on where I was headed. "Tell me you don't want me to kiss you."

He didn't wait for an answer, pulling me down into his lap as he fell back into a chair.

Jake came out to find us pretty hot and heavy a few minutes later. "Wonderful, you made up. Mom says dinner's ready."

"Coming." Ben waited for Jake to return inside. "I forgot how much fun making up with you is. Do you think we can maybe continue this later?"

"Maybe, maybe not." I started to get up, but he pulled me back down.

"No way, I need more than that." He tickled me.

"All right, we can continue later." I barely got the words out past my giggles.

"Just what I wanted to hear." We walked inside hand in hand and sat down to eat dinner with his family. To say his parents looked happy was an understatement. Sitting there, I realized that pretending we weren't a couple wasn't going to work for much longer. My willpower was almost gone.
Chapter Thirteen

Kelly literally skipped out of her house the morning I went to pick her up to go bridesmaid dress shopping. She jumped in the car with a huge grin, glowing with excitement.

"Are you ready? I can't wait."

"If you are this excited for bridesmaid dresses, I can't imagine what you were like looking for your own dress."

"I didn't shop for one. I'm having my mom's updated."

"Really? That's so cool. Your mom must be thrilled."

Kelly laughed. "Thrilled is an understatement. She cried like crazy when I told her what I wanted to do."

"It's so nice that you are close to your mother."

"You used to be close to yours..."

"That's true, but not the way you and your mom are."

"I think it comes from being the only daughter. You also have your sister."

"Maybe that's it." I wasn't convinced, but I dropped it.

I pulled out onto the interstate heading to a bridal store in the next town over. I rolled up the windows, sad to lose the fresh air, but unable to hear Kelly over the wind.

"I think I know what kind of dresses I want you girls to wear, but of course you get some veto power."

"I'm sure whatever you pick will be fine. It's just Daniela and me, right?" I asked, referring to Tom's little sister.

"Uh huh, we wanted to keep it small. Tom's just having Gavin and my brother."

"Small is nice."

"I think so too." She smiled.

"Are you sure Daniela doesn't mind us shopping without her?"

"No, she insisted. She hates shopping. I know it's weird. I'm finally getting a sister and she won't even shop with me." Kelly messed with the zipper on her purse.

"She's sweet though."

"Definitely. We get along really well."

The bridal shop was small with two thirds of the store full of white and ivory wedding gowns, and the back third displaying colorful bridesmaid dresses. We were the only customers in the store and were greeted warmly by a sales person.

We sat down to consult with her, and the woman bombarded Kelly with questions. "So what look were you thinking of? What does your dress look like? What type of wedding? How many girls? What's the time line?"

"My dress is tea length and ivory, so I want something fairly simple and shorter for the girls. There's only two."

"Any color ideas, fabric?" She made a note on her pad.

"Green and something appropriate for the summer. Oh, and something we can order quickly. We're kind of planning everything last minute."

I smiled. I knew Kelly would pick green dresses. Sometimes the familiar could be so nice.

I tried on at least ten dresses, but Kelly kept going back to the same one. It was a beautiful light green with spaghetti straps and looked incredible on, but the price tag, especially with the rush order fee, terrified me.

"I'm going to get your dress," Kelly said when I finished getting measured.

"You don't have to do that."

"Yes, I do. You took my engagement photos. This is my payment."

"Kel—"

"Don't bother. Tom and I already talked about it."

"Are you sure? I know you don't have a lot of extra money either."

"I can get this. Just let it go."

"Well, thank you." I hugged her.

"You're very welcome."

We filled out some paperwork and got back in the car. "Want to grab some lunch?" Kelly asked.

"Sure, I'm starving."

"Okay, cool. My treat."

"No way, you just paid for my dress."

"I know how tight you are on money right now." She looked away, embarrassed.

"It's just that my loan payments are getting ready to kick in, and I'm not exactly making much working for Gail."

"You don't have to explain."

"I just feel worthless, you know? I'm twenty-two, in debt, and broke." I checked my rearview mirror before changing lanes.

"How can being broke make you feel worthless?"

"I just feel dumb. I took out so many loans without even thinking about what would happen if I didn't get a good job."

"Don't feel dumb. You'll figure something out. You always do."

"I know. I'm lucky Adam's parents paid for the rest of our lease, otherwise I'd be even deeper in debt right now."

"Is the lease up already?"

"In August. I left all the furniture and everything. I guess I'll have to arrange for someone to take it."

"Maybe your landlord will take it to sell? It's probably worth asking about at least."

"True, I could try that."

I wanted to get off the depressing conversation. "But really, it's not a big deal."

"No, and there are other more important things to talk about."

"Like?" I asked warily.

"Ben. You and Ben."

"I thought we already discussed this."

"We haven't even scratched the surface."

I should have known Kelly wasn't letting me off so easy.

***

We were finishing up our lunch at Applebee's when Kelly brought up Ben again. I'd tactfully skated around the topic throughout lunch by keeping the conversation on Kelly, Tom, and the wedding. I legitimately had questions for her and wanted to know the details. By the end of the meal, I'd discovered they were having a morning ceremony with a lunch time reception at the church with about a hundred guests. She wanted me to do a reading, and they were going on a honeymoon to Aruba. All very important information.

"Okay, enough about me. Your turn." She put down her fork and crossed her arms. She meant business.

"Fine. What do you want to know?"

"What's going on with you two?"

"I don't actually know," I admitted.

"How is that even possible?"

I paused to take a few more bites of my chicken salad. "All right, we're being casually exclusive."

"Excuse me?" Kelly's eyes bugged out. "'Casually exclusive?' What does that even mean?"

"We're not seeing anyone else, but we're still keeping it purely physical."

She shook her head before taking a long sip from her iced tea. "You're joking, right? Please tell me you're joking."

"Sorry to disappoint you, but I'm being totally serious. You should have seen Ben. He flipped out when he found out I went to dinner with Gavin. I had to agree to exclusive."

"I can't say I'm surprised that he got upset, but that still leaves the question of why you want it to be about sex. You're crazy about each other. Why not fully commit?"

"I have nothing to offer him. He deserves more than I can give." I used a finger to trace designs in the condensation on my glass.

Kelly reached across the table and took my hand. "You don't really believe that, do you?"

"Do I have to answer that?"

"Oh, Mol. You need to stop doing this to yourself. I know you're still upset about Adam, and that's understandable, but you can't let that stop you from falling in love again. I know you, and you don't want to spend your life alone just because you're too afraid."

I looked away, trying to hide some traitorous tears.

"It's Ben we're talking about. You know him. Sure, you're not perfect, but neither is he. You need to tell him the truth about Adam and let him make his own decision. And we both know what choice he'll make. He's never had eyes for anyone else."

"Please stop." All this Ben talk was only making me more confused.

"Okay, so let's pretend for a minute I believe in this whole 'casual exclusive' thing. What does it entail?"

I appreciated the life preserver she threw me. She was lightening the mood.

"We've spent the last few nights hanging out. We have a rule that it's just hook ups and not dates, but I'm pretty sure watching movies on the couch kind of blurs that line."

Kelly chuckled. "Umm yeah, how is that not a date?"

"I know. Ben's upset I won't spend the night."

"Why won't you? That's kind of a weird thing to refuse."

"It's just too serious." I edited out the part about the nightmares and how terrified I was of Ben finding out that I was the cause of two deaths. I knew Ben was crazy about me, but how could he not look at me differently when he found out? I wasn't sure I could handle seeing his feelings change.

"It's weird to hear you talk about a relationship being too serious. I didn't think you even knew the definition of casual." She reached over to grab an extra napkin from the dispenser to clean up a few drops of salad dressing from the table.

"Maybe that's why I need this."

"No, you're just scared," she said matter-of-factly. "Do you want dessert?"

I loved being best friends with the queen of non sequiturs. "Only if you let me pay for it."

"Deal." She smiled, and I picked up the dessert menu.
Chapter Fourteen

Kelly's words stuck with me when I went to see Ben that night. I knew she meant well, but she didn't understand that it was more than fear and grief that kept me from letting my guard down with him. It was hard enough to look at myself in the mirror—I couldn't bear to see that same reflection in Ben's eyes. No matter how tough of an act I put on, I was hanging on by a thread and knew that it wouldn't take much to push me over the edge. I'd already hurt Ben once, and I didn't want to do it again. Of course, I realized that it was probably too late to change that. The first kiss we shared after I got back in town had likely sealed his fate.

Beyond my self-loathing and concern for Ben was the reality that I felt more whole than I had since Adam's death. Or really, if I was being honest with myself, since my Dad's death. As many good times as Adam and I had, in some ways I had been sleepwalking. The guilt had always been enough to keep me from really enjoying myself. I knew how ridiculous the whole exclusive casual thing sounded, but I was still scared to commit to anything more. I liked things the way they were, and I was terrified of ruining it.

We spent most of the evening talking in his room. Ben filled me in on the details of his fishing tour venture and how he planned to expand it to include scuba diving as well. It was fun to see him get so animated about work, and I listened contently, sprawled across his bed with my head in his lap.

I was getting ready to head home when Ben stopped me. "Would coming to see another one of my shows break our agreement?"

I looked at him, still naked under the covers of his bed, and a part of me just wanted to get back in next to him. "I guess not. When and where?"

"Thursday night at the Soapbox. It's a cool place in Wilmington."

"Do you promise not to play that song?"

"I promise." His expression let me know he was genuine. "I'll never play it again if you don't want me to."

"I don't want you to." I knew it was a big hit, but just knowing he was singing it upset me.

"Okay, consider it off our set lists permanently."

"Thank you. I'll see if Kelly wants to come with me." I pulled on my tank top.

"If she can't, let me know. I'll make Jake go with you instead. I don't want you sitting alone. God knows how many guys would be hitting on you. I wouldn't be able to concentrate."

I picked up a pillow and tossed it at him. "Yes, because I am so incapable of taking care of myself."

"I never said you couldn't take care of yourself."

"Fine. If you don't hear from me, assume I'm going with Kelly."

"Sounds good. So any big plans tomorrow night?"

"Oh yeah, hot ones."

Ben sat up straighter.

I laughed. "Chill out. I promised Kelly we'd go see some new romantic comedy. Tom won't go."

"Sounds fun," he said sarcastically.

"On that note, I've got to go."

"Are you sure? I could make it worth your while if you stayed." He opened his arms in invitation.

"As tempting as that is, I'm supposed to help Gail bake tomorrow, which means I have to get there at five."

"So? I'm at work that early most of the time."

"Yeah... but you were always more of a morning person than me." Of course Ben didn't realize I'd been making four a.m. runs a habit.

"Well, if you decide you want to come over after the movie, by all means do it."

"I'll think about it."

"You do that... no pressure." From the teasing look in his eye, I knew that I needed to make a run for it if I was going to make it home anytime soon.

***

I finally learned how to make Gail's mouthwatering strawberry-cream cheese Danishes. I'd been eating them up since I was a kid, and she'd decided it was time I baked them myself. I may have been covered in flour by the end, but I made a pretty good batch. I made sure to put one aside, so Ben could taste my handiwork. He was the only one I knew who loved those pastries as much as I did.

Gavin and Tom came in around ten a.m. I was finishing up a Coke, tired of drinking coffee, but in desperate need of caffeine. The dreams had been brutal the night before, and I'd only slept about an hour.

"Hey there, stranger who doesn't call when she promises to," Gavin teased when they reached the counter. I'd never seen him in uniform before, and he looked different—more intimidating maybe.

"Hi, yeah, sorry about that." I shrugged, not offering more of an explanation. The truth was, after watching how upset Ben got about me having dinner with Gavin, I didn't need to set him off again. Whatever we were classifying ourselves as, Ben deserved some effort to spare his feelings.

"So, we still need to talk about that thing." He nodded toward Tom.

"Oh. Umm, would it be enough if I told you I'd call later?"

"No way." He laughed. "I'm not falling for that again. Could you get us some coffees and then maybe you can take a break for a few minutes?"

"Okay, one second."

I served them both their coffee and then told Gail I was taking my break. Tom must have thought we had personal things to discuss because he happily went outside to give us a semblance of privacy.

Gavin pulled out a chair for me at a table and sat down across from me. "Are you doing okay?"

"Yeah, of course."

"Don't 'of course' me. You scared me the other night."

I really wished I could take back everything I'd told Gavin. He was the wrong person to open up to, I could see that now. It's not that he wasn't a nice guy, but I needed to make a break from him, and it would just make it harder. "I didn't mean to scare you; just forget about it."

"Not likely." He looked at me seriously for a moment before his lips turned into a smile. "So, how do you feel about having the party at my place?"

"That's fine. I really don't know where else in town we could have it." Somehow, it would feel wrong to throw that kind of party at my parents' house. "How exactly do you plan one of these joint parties though? The only bachelorette parties I ever went to had pasta shaped in the form of a key part the male anatomy. I can't imagine that flying here."

Gavin chuckled. "A key part the male anatomy? I didn't take you to be such a blushing virgin that you couldn't say the word penis."

"If you knew the kind of household I grew up in, you'd understand. That sort of conditioning is hard to shrug off."

"Strict parents, huh?"

"A strict dad. My mom was always pretty normal, but Dad wanted to keep his girls in line." I used my straw to stir the ice in my cup.

"Well, if your sister looks anything like you, I get it. He probably had to beat the boys away from the pair of you."

"Very funny," I said dryly.

"Very true."

"So, you didn't answer my question."

"Oh, sorry. I think it's pretty much an excuse to have a big party with drinking, stupid games, and celebrating the couple, you know?"

"Games?"

"Yeah, like drinking games."

I felt my cheeks heat, realizing that I had a game to contribute. After organizing a bachelorette party for a college friend, I knew the ropes.

"What?" Gavin leaned over on an elbow toward me.

"I have this card game I can bring."

"Card game?" He arched an eyebrow.

"I got them for a friend's bachelorette party. It's really just truth or dare in a pack of cards."

"Interesting." He got a mischievous look in his eyes.

"Whatever."

"So bring this card game and invite whoever you think Kelly wants. Do you think this weekend is too soon? How about Friday?"

"No, I think that works. It shouldn't take much planning. Let me know what I can bring or help with."

"Could you come by early, help set up and everything?"

"Sure," I said cautiously. I'd have to be extra careful when I broached that topic with Ben.

"Great." He stood up before bending over to kiss me on the cheek. "Any interest in grabbing dinner tonight?"

I forced a smile. "I've got plans with Kelly."

"Oh, cool." He looked disappointed. "I thought I'd have better luck with a last minute invitation. You know, if I gave you less of a chance to come up with excuses."

"Gavin, I really don't want to lead you on. You get that nothing is going to happen between us, right?" I needed to clear my conscience, whether it made interacting with Gavin incredibly awkward or not.

"I understand nothing's going to happen right now. That doesn't mean we can't be friends until you're ready for us to be more."

"And what if I'm never ready for us to be more?"

He shot me a confident smile. "You will be. Bye, Molly." He walked out, forgetting his empty coffee cup on the table.

***

Kelly called to cancel our plans when something came up with her mom, so I went ahead and made some calls and sent out a batch of emails about the party. I knew that Ben was the next one to invite. I doubted he wanted to go to a party at Gavin's, but with his whole exclusive declaration, he might make himself go.

I decided to ask Ben in person. I thought about calling, but figured that he surprised me enough; it couldn't hurt to give him a taste of his own medicine.

Ben opened the door shirtless again. This time he was wearing only gym shorts and was sweaty rather than clean.

"Hey, this is a nice surprise." He ushered me in, careful not to touch me and get me sweaty.

"You can finish what you were doing. I just had something to ask you."

"You're not in a rush, are you? If you can wait, I'll just finish and shower real quick if that's okay."

"Not a problem."

"Okay, cool." He took off down the hall.

I settled down on the couch for all of ten minutes before my curiosity got the best of me, and I went to see exactly what he was finishing. I followed the music downstairs to an unfinished basement where he had a bit of a home gym set up. He had never been that into working out when I knew him. It kind of surprised me—but it shouldn't have considering the incredible shape he was in.

I surveyed the equipment until my eyes settled on Ben, who was bench pressing.

He finished the set of reps and sat up, his face slowly turning into a pleased smile as he caught me ogling him. "Couldn't resist taking a look, huh?"

"Do you really mind?" I figured there was no reason to explain myself.

"Not in the slightest." He grinned.

"You have a nice set up here. I'm kind of jealous."

"You are more than welcome to come over and use any equipment you want. No membership fees. Just do me a favor and stay over once in a while." Ben was getting really good at finding ways to ask me to stay the night.

"Isn't there a reduced fee if I only want to use free weights? I'm kind of missing the gym at school. I don't want to lose what I've got." I flexed a bicep. I was proud of my arms. I'd been a total weakling in high school. I was thin, but with no muscle or anything. I'd made it a goal to get stronger when I went away to school. I wanted to be able to take care of myself the best I could. I didn't want to ask boys to do any menial things for me. I met Becca in a kickboxing class freshman year. We ended up going to the gym together three or four times a week all though college.

"Damn, someone's been working out."

"Yeah, I know."

He stood up, toweling off before heading my way. "Nuh uh, get in the shower, mister."

"You're no fun."

"I'm clean."

"You could just shower with me..." He gave me his mischievous grin.

"Get in the shower, Ben."

"Okay, I'm going." He followed me up the stairs. "If you want to take a look again, feel free. You know where the bathroom is."

I laughed. "I'll be in the living room."

Ten minutes later, Ben slid onto the couch next to me. "So what's this thing you had to ask me? Or was it just an excuse to visit?"

"I didn't think I needed an excuse."

"You don't, but maybe you were trying to save face or something."

"Nope, but good try. I'm actually here to invite you to a party."

He slung an arm around my shoulder. "Ohh, is this an actual date?"

"No. It's just a party I'm attending—or really co-hosting—that I thought you might want an invite to." I leaned into him instinctively. He smelled like soap and fresh laundry.

"Co-hosting? Who's the other host, or should I not ask?"

"Gavin, but before you get upset, it's a joint bachelor-bachelorette party."

"And where is this party?" He turned to look at me.

"At Gavin's."

"When? Not only will I be there, but I'd be happy to drive you."

"I have to get there early to set up."

"Because he needs help setting up booze?" he asked skeptically.

"Yeah, I guess." I tried to suppress a smile.

"Well, I'll just come early with you. If he needs your help, he won't mind an extra set of hands."

I was sure Gavin would mind a lot, and as much as I would have loved to see the look on his face, I didn't want to stir up trouble at Kelly's party.

"I'm sure we'll be fine."

Ben got ready to argue, but I held up a finger to silence him. "But if you keep your mouth shut and don't argue, you can take me home."

"Deal." He held out his hand as if he wanted to shake on it.

I gave him my hand, which he only used as an excuse to pull me onto his lap to straddle him. He grinned. "I prefer this to a handshake."
Chapter Fifteen

Gavin picked me up right from work. In the end, that had seemed like the best option. I had to work until eight anyway, and I didn't want to have to worry about getting my car home. I changed into a deep purple halter dress, leaving my other clothes at Marney's. I didn't want to think about how my clothes being at Gavin's house could be construed.

I had just locked up when Gavin pulled up out front.

He parked, walking to meet me even though most people would have just waited in the driver's seat. "You look gorgeous." He didn't conceal his assessment, and I tried to hide my discomfort. It was as if Gavin had turned things up. Gestures that I could have written off as friendly at one point seemed like too much—like his hand on the small of my back as I took the few steps to his passenger seat.

"Thanks." I buckled my seatbelt, careful to keep my focus on the scenery out the window rather than on him.

I watched the passing houses as we arrived in his neighborhood. He lived in one of the newer, townhouse-style units they'd put in along the waterfront.

He parked out front. "This is me."

"Cool." I hopped down.

He came around my side just as I reached the ground. "I could have helped you with that."

"I managed just fine."

"You shouldn't ever just manage. Do you have problems letting someone take care of you?"

"No, I just don't need help getting out of a car."

He laughed deep in his chest. "Even a big one?"

"I'm not that short."

"No, but your dress is..."

I shook my head. My dress was no shorter than what anyone else would be wearing.

He went around back, opening the hatch to pull out a case of beer. I noticed several other cases underneath, as well as bottles of various liquors.

"Wow, think you got enough?" I grabbed a case myself, waiting for him to lead the way in. I was pleased when I saw the look of consternation cross his face when he noticed what I was carrying. Luckily, he was smart enough to keep his mouth shut. He did shake his head before climbing up a set of stairs and unlocking the front door, shifting the weight of the beer against his chest so he could turn the key.

I followed him inside, glad to relieve my arms of the beer when we reached his kitchen counter. He lived in a loft, something I never expected to see in Clayton Falls. "Nice place."

"You like?" He watched my reaction carefully.

I took in the high ceilings, exposed brick and piping, and the huge windows overlooking the water. My first thought was how could he afford all of it on his salary? Real estate was cheap in town, but not at all cheap on the water. I decided to keep that particular thought to myself. Maybe he'd made the money playing baseball.

"It's nice. Very modern." I also edited out the part about never wanting to live in a loft. I'd given Adam the unedited version. He'd wanted a loft apartment while I craved the character and coziness of an older home—we used to joke we'd end up in a 1980s cookie-cutter suburban place just to find a happy medium.

"All right. I'm going to get some more from the car. Here are some bins, and there are bags of ice in the freezer. Want to start on that?"

"Sure, not a problem." I was glad to have an assignment to pull my thoughts away from Adam.

By the time we finished setting up the drinks and snacks, it was almost time for everyone to arrive. I tried to discretely slide the cards onto the counter.

"Is that the truth or dare game?" Gavin asked.

"Yes. The only time I've seen them used was with all girls, so it will be interesting to see how it works tonight if we decide we need them."

"I'm sure they'll be entertaining." He had changed out of his uniform into a polo shirt and khakis and came to stand right in front of me.

"So, people are coming at nine, right?"

"Uh huh."

It was hard to think with his face looming so close to mine. He leaned over, placing a hand on either side of where I stood pressed against the counter.

"Thanks for helping me set up."

"Not a problem. It's my job too."

"Yeah, very true. I think we make a good team. Maybe this won't be the only party we co-host."

I forced a smile, ready for him to move back.

"Look, I really like you, Molly. You're—"

"Gavin—"

He placed a finger on my lips. "Shh. Just let me finish."

I nodded.

"You're exactly the kind of woman I've been hoping to meet. You're smart, beautiful, and a lot of fun. I really think we should make a go of this."

"What happened to waiting for me to finish my rebound?" I swallowed hard. Gavin had such a bad habit of dropping things on me at the beginning of an evening.

"I'm not as patient as I thought. Why should I wait for you to mess around when I can offer you so much more? You deserve more. You aren't the kind of woman who should ever settle for being someone's late night hook-up." He watched me warily, like he wanted to say the words, but he was afraid of taking it too far.

"Not to burst your bubble, but I'm not settling as someone's 'late night hookup.' I'm the one setting the terms, not Ben."

"Either way, it's beneath you."

"Ouch." I didn't try to hide how much his words bothered me.

"You know I'm right." His eyes challenged me to disagree.

"What if I don't want more? I've had more, and it didn't turn out so great."

"Yeah, you got burned. I'm sorry, but it's better you broke up before the wedding, right? At least it wasn't a divorce. You can't let it keep you from trying to find a real and meaningful relationship again—especially one that could be so good."

I was so focused on his words about the break up with Adam—on it being better than a divorce—if he only knew the truth—that I didn't prepare myself for what was so obviously coming.

Gavin's lips hit mine for a moment before I could respond by turning my head. "Stop, I'm sorry, but this isn't going to happen." I pushed my hands firmly into his chest.

He stepped back slightly, giving a frustrated sigh. "It can't happen if you don't give it a chance. Don't I get at least one kiss—one real kiss to convince you?"

"No. Come on." Even the split seconds his lips were on mine made me feel like something was wrong. There was only one set of lips I wanted.

He backed away, hands out in front of him in defense. "A guy has to try, right?"

"I guess." I saw a space and moved, willing the doorbell to ring, announcing guests.

I turned when I felt his hand on my shoulder. "Hey, I didn't mean to upset you. I'll be good, okay?"

I forced a smile. "Okay." I was so happy Ben was coming.

After a few awkward seconds, the doorbell finally rang, and the first guests flowed in. I smiled politely at a couple of guys who'd graduated with Tom and my sister, but was pulled away by Katie and a guy I recognized from the class above mine.

"Hey, can you believe Kelly is getting married so soon?" Katie gushed, holding on to the arm of her date. Her red manicured fingernails stood out against his black t-shirt. She had quite a grip on him.

"I'm not too surprised, actually."

"Well, I guess you almost got married too."

"Yup." I closed my eyes, wanting the conversation to end. There were only so many times I could handle discussing it. "Can you excuse me?"

I walked away, glad the loft was beginning to fill. I busied myself rearranging chip bowls until Gavin joined me into the kitchen. I hightailed out of there, grabbing a bottle of beer on my way out.

Moving through the open living area, I made small talk with a few other old friends before spotting who I was looking for.

Ben was deep in conversation with Aaron, the bassist from the Grizzlies. As I headed over, Ben looked up. A slow smile spread across his face when he noticed me. Aaron turned around, evidently noticing the change in his expression.

Aaron pulled me into a hug before I could reach Ben. "If it isn't Miss Disappearing Act herself."

"Hey. I just needed some air."

"I bet. But it's good to see you."

"Same to you." I always got along with Aaron in high school. He'd been one year behind us, but part of the same crowd.

I moved out of Aaron's embrace and found my comfort spot at Ben's side. His arm went around me automatically, pulling me to his side and giving me a quick kiss before he realized what he was doing. He had just kissed me in the middle of a party when we weren't even officially back together.

"Did I just break the rules?" he asked playfully. We'd never set out rules about kissing in public, but we'd steered clear of it so far.

"Probably, but I'm just as much to blame." I straightened my dress even though it didn't need it.

"We do seem to run on auto-pilot, don't we?"

"It seems like it, but I think we figured that out already."

He laughed. "Yeah, we have."

"And here I was wondering how long it would take for you two to reconnect." Ronny walked over with a cute brunette at his side. It took me a minute to realize who she was.

"Daniela?" I had a hard time believing this was Tom's younger sister. She always had the longest white blond hair, and it was now short, spiky, and brown.

"Yeah, it's me." She twirled around, showing off her funky, yet really cute dress.

"Wow, you look... great."

"Thanks, you too. Does my brother know about that by the way?" She nodded in Ben's direction.

"I'm sure Kelly's told him we've been hanging out again."

"Hanging out again?" she laughed. "I just saw you guys kiss, but whatever. When I talked to Tom the other day, he, uh, thought you were interested in someone else."

I had no doubt who she meant.

Ben jumped in. "I'm more than enough to keep Molly busy, same as ever."

"Yeah, I can see that. I just—Oh wait, I think they're here."

The couple of honor had arrived.

***

Two hours later, Kelly hugged me tipsily. Ben had gone to find me another bottle of water. I hadn't even finished the first beer, but I wasn't feeling great. "Thanks so much for this party. It's been awesome!"

"You're welcome, but it's really Gavin you should be thanking. He did almost all the work. I was just along for the ride."

"Speaking of Gavin, he's sloshed. I've never seen him drunk before. Do you have anything to do with that?"

"I don't know, maybe?" I had a sinking feeling he'd taken my rejection worse than I'd thought.

"Well, aren't you a heartbreaker." She rolled her eyes.

"It just happens naturally." I tried to play it off as if I didn't care.

She laughed, but I couldn't shake the guilt gnawing at me. I hated hurting people even if I had no choice.

"What happens naturally?" Ben returned with the water.

"Molly's ability to make grown men fall to their knees," she said theatrically.

Ben moved closer to my side. "Well then, there are going to be a lot of disappointed men out there, because even if she doesn't realize it yet, there's no way I'm letting her go again."

"Aww." Tears welled up in Kelly's eyes.

"Whoa, that's making you cry?" I looked at her skeptically.

She wiped her eyes. "It's just so sweet."

"Okay, stop it. You're the one getting married. Speaking of which, he's right there." I pointed to where Tom stood. He waved in acknowledgement. "I'm sure he'll say something sweet to you."

"I can never hear enough sweet things, I'm happy, and it's good to see you happy because you're my best friend," she said drunkenly.

I tried not to laugh. "Thank you. You're my best friend too."

"I know!"

Tom came over to claim his emotional and inebriated fiancé. "I think some people are about to play Never Have I Ever if you guys are interested."

"I think we'll pass," I answered for both Ben and me. My throat was really starting to hurt, and I was hoping to make an exit sooner than later.

"No way! You have to play at least a few rounds!" Kelly literally jumped up and down.

If it hadn't been her bachelorette party, I might have said no, but I couldn't ruin her fun.

"Maybe for a little while."

We stopped by the kitchen so I could grab a beer and followed Kelly and Tom over to where a small circle had formed. It looked like the game had already started.

"Never have I ever kissed on the first date," Katie said.

All right, so things were still tame enough. I took a tiny sip of my beer. Ben took a sip from his own.

"Never have I ever dated the same person twice." Daniela looked right at us. Ben and I glanced at each other, not sure whether we were supposed to drink or not. After a moment's hesitation he took a big swig of his beer. I gave him a small smile and did the same. I was kidding myself if I didn't at least consider us dating.

It was Ben's turn. "Never have I ever slept with a teacher."

Tom laughed before taking a drink. "You didn't say whether it had to be my own teacher."

Kelly kissed him. I was glad to see her having so much fun.

"Never have I ever given someone a fake phone number," I said, trying to come up with a safe one.

"You've never done that?" Kelly asked after taking a drink.

"Nope. I just tell the guy I'm not interested."

"You're too nice."

"My turn," Gavin said loudly, even though he was across the circle and it definitely wasn't his turn. "Never have I ever taken advantage of a girl because I was too much of a loser to know she deserved better."

The circle got quiet, and Gavin glared in our direction. I knew the glare wasn't meant for me.

I felt Ben tense beside me, but he stayed calm. "Anyone have a better question?"

I smiled at him, appreciating that he didn't ruin the party by making a scene.

"There is nothing wrong with that question. Go ahead and take a drink." Gavin seethed, as if itching for a fight.

Aaron jumped in before Ben could respond. "Never have I ever taken someone's virginity."

At least half the circle took a drink, including me. I laughed. It had been Ben's first time too.

"Never have I ever had sex at over thirty thousand feet." Ronny grinned. "I'm hoping to rectify that though."

Tom took a drink.

"What? We never... who was it with?" Kelly turned to Tom, suddenly on a warpath.

"Okay, I think we've had enough of this game." I ran into the kitchen and came back with the pack of cards. "Is anyone up to playing truth or dare?"

Everyone agreed.

"Who wants to go first?" I pulled a card from the deck.

"I will," Ronny offered.

"Truth or dare?"

"Dare." He grinned.

"Dance the Macarena in your underwear."

"I'll do it if someone can show me the dance."

Daniela demonstrated and Ronny stripped down. Kelly and Tom were all over each other, so I figured it was as good a time as any to slip out.

I tugged on Ben's arm.

He turned to me. "You doing okay?"

"Am I that obvious?"

"Only to someone who really knows you." He said it nonchalantly, but his words spoke volumes.

"I'm not feeling great. Would it be okay if we left?"

"Absolutely, want to just go?"

"I think that's best. I don't want Kelly to get upset, but I really need to get out of here."

He held out a hand. "Your chariot awaits."

"Always my prince charming."

"Always."

I handed the cards to Katie and followed Ben out.

By the time Ben pulled into my driveway, the sore throat was worse and I had a killer headache.

"Are you going to be all right?"

"Yeah, I just need to get some sleep," I reassured him.

"All right, but call me if you need anything or want me to pick something up for you. It's no fun being sick with no one to help."

"I will. Thanks for the ride."

"My pleasure. Take care of yourself."

"Good night."

I got ready for bed, crawling under the covers as quickly as possible. I closed my eyes, hoping the dreams would give me a break for once.
Chapter Sixteen

The light of the train grew closer as I stood, unable to move. I vaguely realized that people were shouting at me to get off the tracks, but all of my focus was on the light coming toward me and the heat rapidly spreading through my body.

I woke up with a start. I was sweaty, but not the cold sweat of a bad dream. I still felt on fire. I kicked off the covers, but it didn't help. I struggled out of my pajama pants, hoping for some relief from the heat. I winced when I tried to swallow, my head pounded, and my entire body hurt. I was really and truly sick. I wanted to take a cold shower, but the walk down the hall seemed insurmountable.

I rolled over, hoping a change of position would ease the body aches. It didn't help. Pulling myself out of bed, I fumbled around for my purse, knowing I had a small container of ibuprofen. Shaking out two tablets, I threw the now empty bottle back in the purse and took a gulp of water from a bottle I'd brought home with me from the party.

I barely slept the rest of that night. I spent it tossing and turning, feeling miserable and hot. The hours dragged by. The numbers on the clock moved at a snail's pace. When my phone rang at eight a.m. and Ben's number flashed across the screen, I felt the first semblance of relief.

"Hello," I croaked.

"Yikes. Not feeling any better, huh?"

"So much worse."

"I was calling to see if you wanted to take a sailboat out, but obviously that's not happening. Is it just a bad cold?"

"Fever, body ache, sore throat." I tried to suppress a moan, but failed. I felt beyond miserable.

"Have you taken anything?"

"Two ibuprofen last night, but I'm out."

"Hang in there. I'll be over soon."

"You don't have to come." I really hoped he wouldn't listen.

"Like I said, I'll be over soon."

I tried to fall back asleep, but it wasn't happening. Sometime later, I heard the front door open. I was glad I hadn't demanded Ben return the key. I was pretty sure I wouldn't have made it downstairs. He quickly ascended the stairs. The squeaky second from the top step let me know he was close.

"Hey, love." He sat down on the edge of the bed next to me. He touched a hand to my bare leg, but quickly removed it. "Wow, you are hot." He reached up to touch my forehead. "Okay, let's start with Tylenol."

I heard the rustle of a plastic bag before he propped me up and handed me pills and water.

I painfully swallowed the medicine. The pills felt enormous. "Thanks so much. You didn't have to come. I don't want to get you sick."

"Don't worry about me. You haven't eaten, have you? Are you hungry at all?"

"Not really."

"At least have a few crackers." He opened a pack of Ritz.

"The only kind of cracker I'll eat."

He smiled. "I know. Mom's going to bring some of her soup over in a few hours, but hopefully this will hold you. I can make you tea or whatever."

"Wow, you really know how to take care of a girl." I cringed as I croaked out the words. I sounded worse than I expected.

"I'm Prince Charming, remember?"

"How could I forget?"

He got up suddenly. "I've got an idea." He picked up my "Ben" box and rolled my desk chair over to the bed. "I'm sure this box can keep us busy until your meds kick in or you fall asleep."

"You don't have to wait until I fall asleep. You can go."

"Uh uh. I'm not leaving when you fall asleep."

"You're not?" I asked.

"Nope. I might go downstairs and watch TV, but I'm here at your service."

"I feel bad."

He leaned down close to me, kissing my forehead. "I know you do. You're sick."

"That's not what I mean."

He laughed. "Just relax. I'm here because I want to be. Besides, you'd better get used to me taking care of you. And just so you know, you're a VIP, because I wouldn't do this for just anyone."

"No? I made the short list?"

"The very short list."

"How short?"

"One name."

I closed my eyes, leaning back into my pillow. "Wasn't there some nostalgia to experience?"

"Yes. Shall I start by rereading some of my award winning letters? It looks like you kept them all."

"I knew they might be worth something one day."

I relaxed as he read his letters in one ridiculous voice after another. I must have nodded off because, when I woke up, I was sweaty again. Ben was there with more Tylenol and his mom's famous chicken soup. He propped me up with pillows and gently helped me balance the bowl.

After a few bites, the way he watched me made me self-conscious. "Wow, I bet I look really hot right now."

"Yeah, but hopefully the Tylenol will help."

"Ben!"

"Okay, okay. You look sick, but beautiful as always. I'll take it as a good sign that you are feeling well enough to even question it."

We spent the afternoon looking at old pictures and playing card games between naps. I felt much better until four o'clock rolled around.

I moaned and groaned as I curled up, trying to find a comfortable spot.

"I wish I could do more to help." He looked at me sweetly.

"You've done plenty. Don't you want to go home?"

"I told you, I'm not leaving."

"What, are you going to stay here all night?"

"Yeah. I figure Shayna can't complain if I sleep in her room, right?"

"Seriously?"

"Please don't sound so surprised. You're hurting my ego," he teased.

"I love you." The words slipped out without warning, and my stomach did flip flops. For a split second, I debated blaming it on the auto pilot, but the truth was, I'd never stopped loving him.

He smiled, picking up my hand and squeezing it. "I love you too."

Ben kept his word. He spent the night in Shayna's room, coming in to give me medicine just when it was time for more. The next morning, he made sure I had breakfast and a shower before he left.

Chapter Seventeen

I must have had a 48 hour virus, because two days later, I felt like myself again. I was glad to be better in time for Ben's show. After the way he'd taken care of me, I wouldn't have missed it unless I absolutely had to.

Kelly didn't think she could make the show because she had a tasting scheduled with the caterer. I wasn't sure if Ben was serious about me going with Jake rather than alone, but I decided to call and find out. He was. He arranged for Jake to pick me up. Part of me was glad. We needed to clear the air. We'd known each other our entire lives. There was no reason we couldn't call a truce.

It felt funny to be picked up by Jake. He still drove the same black Jeep Wrangler he'd had in high school. He had the top off, and I couldn't completely hide my excitement. I'd always had a soft spot for jeeps.

"Hey, thanks for the ride," I said politely as he pulled away from the curb with just a nod in my direction.

"Not a problem. Ben was pretty insistent." Jake was more dressed up than usual, wearing a collared shirt. I wondered what occasion warranted the upgrade.

"I'm sorry you got pushed into it then. Is being in my presence that loathsome to you?" I turned toward him, daring him to answer.

"No, it's not completely loathsome." He smirked.

"So... any reason why you've been such a jerk? I'm used to us fighting, but this feels way too personal."

He looked over at me before turning onto the main road. "You really want to know?"

"Yeah, I want to know."

"You nearly destroyed my brother. You took his heart and smashed it, and because that wasn't enough, you had to make him think it was his fault."

It felt like whiplash. If I'd known how much the truth would hurt, I wouldn't have asked for it. I couldn't respond.

I stared out at the darkening sky. I should never have broached the subject, I told myself. All I wanted to do was get out of the car and go home. I fumbled with my seatbelt, ready to do just that when I realized that doing so would hurt Ben more. I couldn't run from him again. At that moment, I made a decision. I came to the realization that the whole casual label had to go. There was no way I could crush Ben again. Pretending that I could protect him from me would have to stop. The truth was that Ben never had a chance.

"Molly?" I realized that I must have been silent for some time.

"Yes? What do you expect me to say?"

"Anything... Call me an asshole, something."

"Why do you want me to fight with you so much?"

"Because it's easier that way. I like being mad at you. I don't like feeling sorry for you." He shifted gears.

"Then don't feel bad for me."

"I won't. Because you know what? You are a lucky son of a bitch."

"You do realize I'm a girl, right?"

"You know what I mean. You're lucky to have Ben, and you aren't going to screw him over again. I know you're in love with him, so try not to deny it this time." Jake half smiled as we pulled onto the interstate.

"I'm not denying it. I'm thinking of telling him I want more tonight."

"Good." Jake turned up the radio, blaring some classic rock song I didn't know the name of.

The wind in my hair felt freeing, and I tried to unwind. Jake and I rode in silence. Things felt better now that he'd said his piece.

He broke the silence by turning down the volume. "You know if you end up marrying Ben, your name is going to be Molly Mathews."

Talk about random. "Um, okay. Your point is? Besides, I wouldn't worry about us getting married quite yet." Even with the radio turned down, I had to yell over the wind.

"It kind of sounds like a stripper name. Like the librarian type that goes from serious to sexy when she takes off her glasses and shakes out her hair."

"Wow, you're really weird, Jake."

He laughed. "Come on. It does sound that way, doesn't it?"

Never, in all of the hundreds of times I'd doodled that name all over my notebooks, had I ever thought that. "Like I said, you're really weird."

"Now you're going to think it too. Admit it."

I decided to play along with the ridiculous conversation because it beat fighting. "So, is the name a good or bad thing?" We hit traffic, and as the Jeep slowed down, we no longer needed to shout.

"Good. It can't hurt for an attractive girl to have a name that brings up those kinds of images. Well, Ben might not think so. He'd keep you covered up and tucked away if it was up to him. You saw how he freaked out the other night. He goes psycho over anyone coming near you."

I decided to indulge my curiosity even though I wasn't sure I was going to like the answer. "Did he go crazy when he found out I had a new college boyfriend?"

"Yeah. I was kind of waiting for him to go up to Boston and drag you back."

"But he didn't."

"Because he still blamed himself. I also think he always assumed you'd come back to him." Jake never took his eyes off the road.

"Yeah..." My phone rang, interrupting the suddenly serious conversation. "Hey, Kelly."

"Are you on your way to Ben's show?"

"Yeah, why?"

"We got done with the caterer early. We'll meet you there."

"Awesome."

"So did you really go with Jake? Are you guys killing each other yet?"

"We're both alive so far."

Jake laughed, probably guessing what the conversation entailed.

"All right, see you soon."

"Bye."

"So, Kelly and Tom are coming?" Jake asked.

"Looks like it."

Jake took the exit ramp faster than he needed to. "Tom wouldn't have invited Gavin, right?" Jake sounded worried.

"I hadn't really thought of that. Wouldn't Kelly have mentioned it?"

"I don't know. Would she have?"

Jake parked, and we walked into the Soapbox. I ran my hands through my hair, trying to repair the damage caused by the wind. The Soapbox was nothing like I'd expected. It was actually a converted Laundromat—complete with the machines. The place kind of had a dated look, but the couches and lighting gave it a comfortable feel. I had never seen anything like it. I flashed my ID at the bouncer when he asked for it.

Jake snickered. "You'll be showing ID for the rest of your life, you look so young."

"I'm legal now, so I don't care. Besides, a woman always wants to look young."

"It's still funny." He smirked again. "What do you want?" He gestured to the bar.

"Oh, just get me what you're having."

"I love how you just assume I'm going to buy your drink."

My jaw dropped. "You just asked what I wanted."

"It could have been rhetorical."

I was tempted to smack the smirk off his face. "Fine, I'll get my own."

"No way. My mother taught me better than that."

I laughed. "Do you enjoy fighting with me so much that you're trying to start an argument?"

"It's good entertainment."

"And they're at it again." Kelly appeared beside me, putting an arm around my shoulder to give me half a hug.

"Hey, how'd the tasting go?"

"Great, Tom got his steak, and I got my buttercream frosting."

I smiled. "Can't get better than that."

Tom caught me looking over his shoulder toward the door. "Don't worry, he's not coming. I'm not that much of an idiot. Inviting Gavin to Ben's show wouldn't go over well."

"Probably not."

We grabbed some beers and took a seat at a front and center table to watch the show.

The Grizzlies were good. Really good. Last time, I had been so focused on my nerves about seeing Ben that I couldn't fully concentrate. This time I really got to listen—and watch.

Watching Ben was always fun. He got so into his music. The intensity was awesome. I used to sit and listen to him play for hours. I rarely went to his rehearsals, but I liked watching him write songs. It felt like I had a secret view into genius or something.

I loved how, even though Ben was playing to a large crowd, sometimes it still felt like he sang just to me. He looked over at me more times than I could count. By the end of the set, I was in a really good mood. I forgot that listening to him could have that effect. I hadn't even gone beyond two beers. For me that was good.

Ben walked toward us with the rest of his band, and out of instinct, I stood up and rushed over to him. "You were amazing!"

"Was I?" Ben hugged me before kissing me on the lips. "I can't tell you how much I've missed having you in the audience."

"Ahem." Greg, the drummer cleared his throat. "Nice to see you, Molly. I guess some things never change."

I hadn't really thought about whether it would be awkward to see the rest of Ben's band. I'd taken it for granted that Aaron was glad to see me, but hadn't really considered the others. They just seemed relieved that Ben was in high spirits.

"Hey, guys." I waved, letting Ben pull me onto his lap as he took a seat at the table.

"There are plenty of seats," Kelly teased.

"Molly's just fine where she is." He wrapped his arms tighter around me. Ben could clearly tell I was letting a wall down, and he was taking full advantage.

"How was the drive over?" Ben asked Jake and me.

"Fine," I said quickly. As upsetting as parts of it had been, it was nice to have things out in the open.

"She's in one piece, isn't she?" Jake added.

Ben whispered in my ear, "I'm not sure about that. I might need to do a more thorough examination."

I swatted him away. "You have a dirty mind."

"You're sitting on my lap, what do you expect?"

"All right, I'll just get up then."

"Nuh uh. I like you right where you are."

Ben didn't let go until he had to get ready to play again.

As soon as Ben left, Kelly descended. "Let's go to the bathroom."

"All right." I followed her, ready for the onslaught.

She waited until the door closed behind us. "Still going to tell me you're just casually exclusive or whatever you were calling it?"

"I don't know what's going on, but I can't stay away from him." I took an elastic band from around my wrist and pulled my hair back into a ponytail. The bar was hot, and I was nervous about talking to Ben.

"No kidding. He looks like a kid in a candy store, by the way. I think we know how he feels about it."

"I don't know what's going to happen long term, but for now I might just see where it goes."

She reapplied her lipstick. "You have to tell him the truth about Adam."

"I know. But not now. I don't want to ruin it yet."

"Why would it ruin anything? It won't change how he feels."

"Please. Just let it go for tonight."

"Okay. But it's going to happen eventually."

"I know."

I pushed the thoughts away. We headed back out just as the Grizzlies started the set. Kelly and Tom left before it was over. Tom was still tired from working overtime the night before.

Ben announced he was about to play his last song, and the audience started chanting for "Six Feet Under." My stomach clenched. He'd promised.

"Sorry, folks, we won't be playing that song anymore."

Boos followed.

"Don't you want to know why?" Ben asked with a grin.

A variety of answers came from the crowd, the most vocal being that they didn't care.

"She's come back to me." Ben smiled right at me before starting in on another one of their songs. The crowd cheered. Evidently they did care.

I was so busy planning what I was going to tell him that I didn't realize the band had finished. Ben's arms slid around my waist pulling me back against him. "Any chance I get to take you home tonight?"

"Do I even have to answer that?"

"Let's get out of here." He grabbed his guitar, took my hand, and pulled me out the door.

"Wow, where's the fire?"

"You look too hot tonight." Ben buckled my seatbelt for me, inpatient and ready to leave. We were on the road within seconds.

He put his hand on my leg, just where the fabric from my skirt ended.

"Can I talk to you about something?"

He looked over at me worriedly. "As long as you're not about to tell me to drop you off at home, because if that's what you're about to ask, the answer is no."

"No, it's just that... I'm not so sure I can keep doing this whole casual thing."

"I'm listening."

"Can't you make this easier on me?" I gave him my best pleading look.

"As far as I'm concerned, you became my girlfriend when you agreed to make us exclusive."

"Wow, am I really Ben Mathews's girlfriend again?"

He moved his hand under my skirt and squeezed my leg. "Hell yes. It's about time."

***

Even though Ben and I had been together many times since I'd been back in town, that night was different. He carried me inside and right to his bedroom, placing me gently down on his bed. He undressed me slowly, and I did the same for him. Neither of us wanted to rush it, afraid of destroying the magic.

"I wish I could take a picture of you right now." He slid in beside me. He'd pulled down the quilt, and the sheets felt cool below us.

"A picture?" I closed my eyes, enjoying how good it felt to have his hands tracing over my curves.

"Yeah, you look so happy. I've missed that."

"I've missed it too."

***

I fought off sleep, but it wasn't easy. Wrapped in a cocoon of Ben's arms, legs, and the sheet, my eyes kept blinking shut. I'd made a mistake. It was the middle of the night, and I didn't have my car. If I wanted to leave, I'd have to walk home.

I tried to make a to-do list, counted numbers backward, anything to fight it, but I felt my consciousness fading.

Adam's screams were different. He smiled, almost laughing as I struggled to reach him. "I won't be alone anymore." His eyes met mine, and I couldn't look away.

"What?" Was the hook about to let me go? Would I get to him in time?

"Thanks for giving him to me. It seems you're building yourself a nice collection."

"What?"

I looked past him and saw my dad's head bobbing in the water, but it was the face next to him that turned my blood cold—Ben.

"No!" I screamed, as the hook dropped me into the icy water, but I didn't fight it this time. I had no reason left to try.

I screamed and thrashed, trying to push away the fragments from the dream. I didn't understand why I couldn't move. I should have been able to move.

"Molly? What's wrong?" Ben's hoarse voice, heavy with sleep, came from right next to me, and I remembered where I was.

"I'm sorry." I struggled out of his arms and searched around for my clothes in the dark.

"Where are you going? What's going on? Did you have a nightmare?" Ben sat upright, still trying to wake up.

"This has to stop! I can't do this to you too." I gave up on finding my bra and pulled my tank on.

I threw on my skirt, found my shoes, and headed through the doorway of his bedroom. Reaching up, I traced over the dent in the wall. I'd already caused enough damage.

"Molly! What are you talking about? You can't just leave."

"I've done it before, haven't I?" I didn't wait for a response. I found my purse by the front door and walked outside.

"Wait! What the fuck!?" Ben ran after me.

Catching up to me on his front lawn, he pulled back on my shoulder, spinning me around. "What's going on?"

I looked at him, standing out in the front yard in just his boxers, wearing an expression like I'd just pulled the rug out from under him—which maybe I had. "I'm leaving."

"Why? Because you had a bad dream?"

"No, because I can't be with you."

"Why the hell not? A few hours ago you were all about it."

"Just because. And you need to get inside. Your neighbors are going to come out."

"You think I give a shit if the neighbors hear us?" He put his head in his hands. "I know what this is about."

"Do you?" I challenged, wanting to reach out to him, to comfort him, but knowing I couldn't.

"It's Adam, right? You still want to get back with him."

I shook my head, feeling the tears spill.

"Because if that's the case, you better make up your mind now."

"You don't have to worry about Adam," I said quietly.

"How can I be sure when you won't tell me anything?"

"He's dead." Saying the words out loud was too much for me. I fell to my knees in the wet grass.

Ben's hands lifted my face to him. "He's dead? I thought you guys broke up."

"I didn't want anyone to know. I didn't want the sympathy when I didn't deserve it." I started to sob, unable to hold in the anguish.

I felt Ben lift me up, cradling me against his chest as he carried me inside and back to his room. He kept me in his arms as he laid us down. "Shh, it's okay. I'm here. It's okay." He brushed my hair gently off my face.

"I—"

"You don't have to talk until you're ready." He traced a comforting pattern of circles on my back.

I choked back a sob. "He knew. He had to have known."

"Known what?"

"That I didn't want to marry him." I finally admitted out loud something I'd been trying to deny for months.

"You didn't?" Ben wiped away some of my tears.

"I asked him if he was okay postponing the wedding. We didn't have enough money, so I wanted to finish school first. After a huge fight, he finally agreed. But he knew it was more than that—something was missing."

Ben nodded, so I continued. "I had no idea he was losing his job. I didn't find that out until after—"

"What happened... was it an accident?"

"No. He jumped. He jumped off the Tobin Bridge."

"Jesus." Ben sat up, pulling me into his lap.

"When he didn't come home that night, I assumed he was working late and didn't bother to call, so I just went to sleep. The call came a few hours later; I had to ID the body. Then I had to tell his parents."

I whimpered, picturing Adam's lifeless face, eyes closed, but looking anything but peaceful. I saw that face every night. I remembered his Mom's voice on the phone. How I told her he was gone, and she thought I meant he'd left me. When she finally understood, her wails had made me drop my phone and pass out. "If it weren't for my friend Becca, I don't think I would have made it. She was the only one I could turn to."

Ben exhaled loudly. "Was there a note?"

"No."

"So you don't know for sure why he did it."

"It was my fault."

"You can't blame yourself," he said softly.

"Yes, I can. He knew I had doubts. He knew, and that combined with the endless hours of work and the stress of losing his job pushed him over the edge." I didn't tell Ben how Adam's parents had blamed me. How they'd left me out of the obituary because they didn't want me to taint his memory. That was something I'd never say out loud. I dared to look up at Ben. "I told you to stay away from me. I'm poison."

"How can you say that? Adam made a choice. A stupid choice, but that doesn't mean you did anything wrong."

"What about Dad?"

"What about him?"

"He just made a choice too?"

"Your dad's car stalled, or he gunned it. You know that."

"Do I? Remember the fight I had with him over college?"

"A man doesn't take his life because his teenage daughter throws a tantrum."

"But you don't know that," I snapped.

"No, I don't know anything for sure. But none of this means you should hate yourself, and it definitely doesn't mean I should stay away from you. I need you, and face it, Molly, you need me."

"What if I don't want us to need each other?"

"Tough luck. It's just the way it is."

He pulled me against his chest again, whispering soothing words, but not trying to stop me from crying. It's like he knew I needed to let it out. "Did you have a nightmare about him?" he asked once I had quieted down.

"Yes—but it was worse than usual."

"Usual? Do you have them a lot? Wait, is that why you never want to stay over?"

I nodded.

"Why was this one worse?"

I dared to look up at him, into his handsome face etched with concern. "You were in it. He told me you were going to join him."

"I would never do that. I would never hurt people that way, and I will never leave you. I swear." He brushed a few strands of hair off my face.

"I'm sorry I hurt you. I know I hurt you. Jake told me—"

"Stop. Don't do that. It's over, it's the past. We were kids. All I care is that you're with me now."

"You really still want me? Even knowing what happened?"

"Of course I do. I've always wanted you, and nothing you can say or do will ever change that. You're the only one for me, Molly, the only one." He looked at me seriously, his eyes full of compassion and undeniable love. "You shouldn't have to deal with those nightmares alone. You're staying here from now on."

"I can't do that."

"Why not? Let me help you, please."

"This isn't your problem." I closed my eyes, clenching some sheet in my hand just to have something to hold onto.

"It is my problem because you're my problem."

"I'm your problem?" I smiled despite the tears.

"You've always been my problem, my little spitfire."

Those few words melted what little was left of my resistance. "You called me your spitfire."

"Because that's who you are. It's who you've always been. Just think of how much you've been through. I hate to think of you suffering through so much alone. Never again. I promise I'm not going to let you down this time."

"Please, I don't even want to get into that now."

"All right. I'm pretty sure you don't want to go back to bed, so let's go over to your house."

"My house?" I asked.

"I know exactly what you need."

"What?"

Grinning, he got out of bed and pulled on his t-shirt and jeans from the floor. "You can't guess?"

"A night swim?"

"How does that sound?"

"Perfect." I fished my bra off the floor—leaving fully dressed this time.

***

The water was still cool, but it didn't bother me that night. If anything, it helped wash away the grief. Ben barely gave me time to strip down to my underwear before throwing me in. I loved how he never worried about breaking me. He knew, despite my breakdown, that I was still strong.

He teased me for a moment, standing in just his boxers on the dock like he wasn't going to join me. "How's the water?"

"Nice, but not as nice as the view."

He laughed. "That's supposed to be my line."

"Well, you should have thought of that before you threw me in. You can't stare at me while I'm in here."

He jumped in, swimming right over to me.

"That was fast."

"Yeah, I figured the only thing better than looking at you is touching you."

I tried to swim away, but he caught up with me pretty quickly. He was always the stronger swimmer. "No more leaving me, remember?"

"I remember. I remember everything."

"Everything?"

"Uh huh."

"Like?" he asked.

"Like our first kiss right over there on the dock." Treading water, I nodded toward it.

"I remember that too. I remember what you said afterward."

"Yeah?" I leaned back and floated.

"You told me I kissed like a musician. I never got that, but I assumed it was a compliment."

I laughed. "I just meant you made it an art form. If you didn't understand, why didn't you ask?"

"There was no way I was messing up that moment. The girl I'd been crushing on for years had finally let me kiss her."

I went back to treading water. "When did you first realize you liked me?"

"Sixth grade. At Katie Oschner's pool party."

"Really? I thought you were into Dara then." I reached out to him, starting to get cold.

"I thought she was okay, but then something clicked that day. You had your hair in those cute pigtails you used to wear, and you nailed Jake in the head with a volleyball."

"That wasn't intentional, you know."

"Are you sure about that?"

"Absolutely. Don't get me wrong, he probably deserved it, but I wasn't aiming for him."

Ben chuckled. "He razzed me so bad when he found out I had a thing for you."

"I bet."

"Are you cold? Let's get out."

"We probably should."

We swam back to the dock, and we both hung onto the ladder.

"When did you realize you liked me?" Ben asked.

"Eighth grade when we were assigned as partners for those manners lessons."

"So I won you over with my gentlemanly charm?"

"Not exactly. Probably the opposite. You kept making these crude jokes, and it kind of thrilled me that a guy would talk to me that way."

"What? You fell for me because I make sexual jokes?" he said incredulously.

"Yeah. I mean, come on, my dad wouldn't even let me watch MTV. It was all pretty exciting."

"Had I known you were into me that early, I wouldn't have waited."

"You asked me out on my fifteenth birthday. You called me at exactly midnight." I remembered how my chest tightened when I'd seen his number flash across my screen. Kelly had overheard him talking to his friends about his plan, so I'd waited up for the call.

"I had to follow your dad's rules. My mom insisted on it."

"Was I worth the wait?"

"Is that a trick question?"

"No."

"You were well worth it, both times."

"Both times... so hmm, I guess we had both of our first kisses in the same spot."

"I guess we did." Ben got out first, waiting with a towel in his hands as I followed.

"It's going to be so weird when Mom finally sells this place."

"I know. So many memories." He wrapped me in a towel, starting to dry me before stopping suddenly. "We should probably wash off the salt water." He bent down to pick up our clothes.

The glint in his eyes gave him away. "I'm guessing you are hinting at the outside shower?"

"Uh huh." He took my hand, leading me back to the side of the house. He stopped in front of the covered shower, reaching in to turn on the water. "Looks like it still works."

He stepped into the shower, bringing me with him, positioning us under the warm spray. I pulled back from him for a moment, enjoying the way the water felt on my body, but he quickly reclaimed my attention as his lips first attacked my neck and then moved down.

I moaned as he discarded my bra. His lips continued their journey. He finally returned to my lips, and my arms went around his neck, pulling him to me. As the water flowed over us, I knew this was the start of something new. Neither of us were holding back, and we weren't kids anymore. We were ready for something real.

The water turned cold before Ben turned it off. He wrapped me back up in the towel, taking another one for himself. I watched him dry off before picking up our discarded clothing.

"I know your bed is tiny, but I think we should stay here tonight."

"Well if you insist on cuddling like you did earlier, it won't be a problem."

He smiled. "Hey, I like having you close."

"I like being close."
Chapter Eighteen

The sound of the front door opening woke me up around ten the next morning. Ben had left at six to get ready to take out a fishing boat, but he'd insisted I stay in bed and catch up on sleep. I was so comfortable that I didn't need much persuasion.

"Molly? You up there?"

I sat up in bed, surprised to hear my sister's voice. "Shayna?" I rubbed my eyes, trying to finish waking up.

Shayna stood in the doorway with a huge grin. "Surprise!" She sat down next to me on the bed, swooping me into a hug.

"Hey... you didn't tell me you were coming." I was suddenly very glad Ben had left early. I couldn't imagine what Shayna would have thought if she walked into my room and found us together. I was also relieved I'd thrown on some pajamas when he left, avoiding another potentially awkward moment.

She pulled her blond hair back into a ponytail. We were definitely those sisters who looked alike. If I ever wanted a preview of how I'd look in five years, I'd only have to watch her. She looked great, so it was a good thing. "If I'd told you I was coming, you would have tried to convince me not to."

"That's probably true. Where are Terry and the kids?"

"Back in Seattle with Mom. I thought we could use some sisterly bonding time."

"Sisterly bonding time?" I arched an eyebrow.

"Uh huh, we haven't had any in a while. I figured we were due for it."

I smiled. "All right, sounds good."

"So, you want to do a late breakfast down at Surf Song? I'm starving."

"Sure, did you just fly in?" I was still trying to process her presence in my room. I hadn't seen Shayna since Adam's funeral. She'd left her two young children with her husband and traveled to Boston with my mom. I appreciated the effort, but I hadn't been able to accept the help they wanted to offer. I'd spent the holidays with Becca and her mom, waiting until the last minute to tell my family I wasn't coming, so it would be too late for them to come to me. I did everything I could to distance myself. It wasn't much of a stretch. I'd been limiting our contact since I left for college.

"Yeah, I took the red-eye last night."

"You didn't have to come, Shay. I'm sure it was hard to leave the kids and get time off."

"I'm just in town for the weekend, and I needed to come. We've been so worried about you. You can't call Mom to tell her you dropped out of school and not expect us to be concerned."

"Well, it's good to see you. Just let me get dressed."

"Why don't you put on a swimsuit and meet me downstairs when you're ready? We can head down to the beach after breakfast. I haven't been in ages."

I threw on a pink bikini and a cover up, brushed my teeth, and quickly brushed out my hair. I didn't want to make Shayna wait for me to shower. She was someone you didn't want to mess with when she was hungry.

We decided to walk down to Surf Song, the best restaurant in town if you wanted a view along with your food. Shayna ordered blueberry pancakes, and I got strawberry French toast. The restaurant was fairly empty, not surprising for a Friday morning. It was more of a dinner or weekend brunch place.

"I still haven't found better blueberry pancakes than these," Shayna said between mouthfuls.

"I don't know how you can pass up the French toast. You're the one with the big sweet tooth, and you can't get sweeter."

Talking about food was easier than discussing what Shayna had really come to talk about. If she made the effort to come, she had something more than a quick visit up her sleeve.

She waited until our plates were cleared, and we were sipping coffee to start her offensive. "I got you a ticket to come back with me."

I choked on a sip of coffee. "You did what?"

"You wanted to have some time alone. Fine. You've been back here for a few weeks, but it's time to come home with us."

"I am home."

"Home is where your family is. No one's here anymore. Why would you want to spend your time in this place?"

"I have my reasons." I suppressed a smile, thinking about the reason that had slipped out of my bed a few hours before.

"You can stay with us for a while, but we'll have you set up in your own place right away. I'm really excited to introduce you to someone I know from the hospital. You're going to love him."

"Are you crazy?"

"No. And I'm telling you Steve is perfect for you. He's very outdoorsy, makes a great living as a surgeon, and is really looking to meet someone."

"How do those things make him perfect for me?"

"You like the outdoors, you're broke, and you really need to meet someone." She smiled.

"What if I've already met someone?"

"You've met someone here?"

This time I didn't hide my smile when I thought of Ben.

"Oh no. Please don't tell me your back with him."

"With who?" I feigned innocence.

"Ben. You're seeing him again, aren't you?" She pursed her lips.

"Maybe I am."

"Not seriously though, right?"

"Serious enough that he left a few hours before you arrived."

She slammed her coffee cup down into the saucer, spilling some over the side. "You spent the night with him?"

"Why do you sound so surprised? You know very well I'm not the wait until marriage type."

"Still, you've only been back a few weeks. That's moving fast by anyone's standards. Are you sure you know what you're getting yourself into?"

"It's not like I just met him. He's not a stranger."

"Mom's not going to like this." Her shoulders tensed. I could practically see the wheels turning in her head as she tried to come up with a way to get me to change my mind.

"Mom's the one who pushed Dad to let me date him."

"In high school, not now. She doesn't want you getting sucked back into this town." Shayna hated Clayton Falls. She'd left after high school and never looked back. I did the same thing, but I was running from memories of Dad more than anything else. I'd never really understand what Shayna's issue was. "There is so much more out there. You lived in Boston for five years. This place can't satisfy you anymore."

"I like that it's not Boston. It's what I need right now."

"And what do you plan to do here? What kind of job are you going to get?" She picked up her coffee again, taking a few sips.

I shrugged. "I don't know."

"Then how are you going to support yourself? What happens when Mom sells the house? Oh, that's right, you're with Ben. You're going to move in with him, huh?" She set down her coffee cup with exaggerated care. She was getting ready to let me have it.

"Don't be a bitch, Shayna."

"I'm trying to help you. I never understood why you wanted to be an attorney anyway. I think a better match might be pharmacy school. You were always good at science. I have an in at the school at U Dub. You may still be able to swing it for the fall."

"In what parallel universe would my dropping out of law school mean I wanted to be a pharmacist?" The stretch in logic was pushing it, even for Shayna.

"I think it would be a great fit for you. It's a career with lots of potential, and you can get a job with flexible hours for when you have kids."

"For when I have kids? Because that's going to happen anytime soon?"

"Steve's really good with kids. Mine love him. By the way, they'd love to see their aunt once in a while."

"That's good for Steve, and I'll try to get out there soon, but as you've already pointed out, I'm broke."

"And I already told you I have your ticket."

Shayna could be bullheaded when she wanted to be. She always had the world figured out and could fix anything. I wasn't in the mood to fight. "Let's get out of here and go to the beach."

Shayna paid our bill and we walked down to the beach. After laying out our towels, I stripped down to my bikini, ready to enjoy the sun. Shayna had on a more conservative tankini.

"I envy you for looking so good in that." Shayna flopped down next to me.

"You could pull it off."

"Even if I could, it wouldn't hold up well with the kids."

"Probably true."

She pulled sunglasses from her bag, propping herself onto her elbows. "Tell me more about what's going on with you and Ben."

"So now you want to know about it?" I asked skeptically, wondering where she was going with the question.

"I never said I didn't. I was just surprised you'd go down that road again."

"He makes me happy, I feel like myself with him, and the sex is great. What else is there to know?"

"Molly!" Shayna's mouth fell open.

"What? We already established I was sleeping with him."

"That doesn't mean I need to hear any more about it."

"Okay, I'll keep that part to myself." I loved pushing my sister. I had no idea how a doctor could be such a prude. Everything had to be so proper with her. I guess Dad rubbed off on her more. She was always the goody-two-shoes while I rebelled almost every chance I got.

"Now, that's the Mathews I'd pick if I was a cougar."

"What?" I followed her gaze and saw Jake coming out of the water with his board.

"Cougar? You're twenty-seven!"

"A married twenty-seven year old with kids. He's a baby."

"He's the same age as me."

"Exactly. A baby."

Jake waved, likely noticing us staring at him.

"If you think Jake looks good, wait until you see Ben. He's grown up a lot too."

"More than that?" I figured she was referring to Jake's washboard abs and muscular arms.

"Yeah, more than that."

"All right, maybe I can see why you're having fun with him." She laughed.

It was fun to talk boys with Shayna. Being five years apart, it wasn't something we did much.

Jake came over. "Hey there. Is the whole Sander clan back for a visit?"

"No, I'm just here to bring my sister home."

"You're leaving?" Jake grimaced, likely worrying about Ben.

"I'm not going anywhere." I smiled, wondering if he'd run into Ben yet.

"Good. I wanted to make sure you hadn't forgotten about our conversation already."

"Definitely not."

Shayna looked back and forth between us. "What am I missing here?"

"Nothing. Molly and I had a chance to catch up last night, that's all."

"Okay..." she trailed off.

"Well, I'm going to go. If I don't see you again before you leave, it was nice seeing you, Shayna."

"Yeah, nice seeing you."

Shayna lay back down. "I've missed the beach so much."

"Remind me again why you think I should move to Seattle? I've missed the heat so much the last few years. I never want to leave."

"All right, I'll admit the weather isn't the best, but I still think you'd like it."

"Maybe, but I'm not coming."

"Let's just talk about it again tomorrow, okay?" She knew when to call a momentary truce.

"Okay."

We both flipped over onto our stomachs, soaking up the sun and carefully avoiding any thorny conversation topics.

Chapter Nineteen

I was lucky Shayna made me put on sunscreen. Even lathered with 45, I still managed to get two spots of sunburn from a few hours of lying out. We headed home in good moods. It's hard to have any other mood after spending time in the sun. I know some people hate it when it's hot, but it must be in my blood to love scorching temperatures. Mom always said it was the southern girl in me that makes me live for it so much. I couldn't believe Shayna had willingly moved to such a rainy, overcast city.

I missed a call from Ben while I showered, so I called him back while I waited for Shayna to take her turn.

"Hey, babe."

"Hey. Sorry, I just saw I missed your call."

"I was wondering if you wanted to have dinner tonight. I thought maybe I could cook for you."

"You cook?" I asked, unsuccessful at keeping the surprise out of my voice.

He laughed. "Yeah, I cook."

"Well as tempting as that sounds, I may have to pass. Shayna dropped in for a visit."

"What? When did she get here?"

"Around ten. Be glad you were long gone."

"Yeah, that was probably for the best. But, why don't you both come over for dinner?"

I thought about it for a minute and decided it would be good for Shayna to see Ben and me together. "Yeah? I think we can do that."

"Cool. How about you come by around seven?"

"All right, we'll see you then."

"I can't wait." I could almost hear him smiling through the phone.

"Me either, bye."

"Bye, Mol."

I decided to throw in a load of laundry while I waited for Shayna. I never remembered to do basic things like that anymore. Shayna showed up just as I crashed on the couch.

"So, we have dinner plans."

"We do?" Shayna sat down across from me on the loveseat.

"Yeah, Ben's cooking for us."

"Ben can cook?"

"I asked him the same thing, and he assured me he's capable."

She straightened a throw blanket I had left lying around. "I guess it was sweet of him to invite us, and if you insist on dating him again, I might as well see him. Now I'm curious to see if you're right about him growing up."

"You don't trust me?"

"When it comes to Ben, no. You were always so blind with him. He could do no wrong in your eyes."

"That's not true." I sat up, ready for a fight.

"Yes, it is."

I knew what she was talking about. When she was home on break from college one year, she ran into an incredibly high Ben, and she assured me it wasn't from weed. She confronted me about it, and I refused to believe her. Of course, I found out from a friend that it was true. I didn't talk to him for a week after that, but he promised to stop, so I eventually forgave him. Ben said I was hypocritical because I drank, but I never bought that line.

"He's not the same boy anymore."

"I hope you're right."

I immediately went on the defensive. "I am. It's not like I was an angel back then either."

"It's not like you're an angel now."

"What's that supposed to mean?" I snapped, worried about where this conversation was going.

"I found the empty bottles while you showered. I knew you drank, but it seems excessive." Only Shayna would have found the evidence that quickly. In another life, she could have been a detective.

"I know. I'm going to cut down. It's just sometimes the only way I can escape the pain. I haven't needed it as much lately."

"Because of Ben?"

"Yeah."

"All right, I'll try to give him a fresh slate then." That was a lot coming from Shayna.

***

Jake answered the door in an apron.

Shayna busted out laughing. "Did Ben conscript you to help?"

"He promised me free food."

"Are you really that easy to ply?" I asked.

"Don't start."

"Who me?" I feigned innocence.

"If you guys are done fighting, you can come in here," Ben called from the kitchen.

Ben wasn't wearing an apron. He looked adorable in a navy Lacoste shirt and khaki shorts. He took a few pans from the oven. He washed and dried his hands before pulling me into a hug and a chaste kiss. He turned his attention to my sister.

"Hi, Shayna, thanks for coming."

"Thanks for inviting me. It's nice to see you." Shayna shot me a look that let me know she agreed with my earlier assessment. I laughed.

"What?" Ben asked.

"Nothing," Shayna and I said in unison.

"I'm not going to ask. Can I get either of you something to drink? I've got wine and some beer in the fridge."

"You have wine?" Shayna asked skeptically.

"Yes, don't act so surprised."

"All right, I'll try to stop."

Ben poured wine for Shayna, Jake, and himself. I passed, asking for a Coke instead. I looked at Shayna triumphantly. I wanted her to see I wasn't an alcoholic or anything.

"Are you sure you're feeling well?" Jake taunted when I refused.

"Shut up. Like you should talk."

"Some things never change," Shayna said dramatically.

"I think I'll worry if they ever start getting along... I'll know they're up to something." Ben came over to put an arm around my shoulder. I leaned comfortably into him.

Ben ushered us all over to the table, bringing out a stuffed chicken, mashed potatoes, and grilled vegetables. It all looked and tasted incredible.

"So, how is Seattle? You've got two kids now, right?" Ben asked.

Shayna seemed surprised by his interest. "Yes. Rob's four and Ella is one. We're doing well, but we all wish we saw more of Molly."

"I can understand that."

"I planned on trying to bring her home with me, but she seems to have found a reason to stay."

Ben found my hand under the table and squeezed it. "I'm glad. There's no way I'm losing her again."

"I still think she'd be happy if she came, but she seems pretty determined. You'd better treat her right, or you'll have me to deal with."

Ben laughed. "I wouldn't dream of doing anything less. I've been waiting five years for a second chance, and I won't blow it again."

Shayna smiled. "Good. You're not going to get a third."

I squirmed in my seat, but didn't say anything. I hated that all of the blame for our breakup fell on Ben. As angry as I was at him at the time, I had overreacted. Hurting, I'd wanted to make a clean break. I would have found another excuse.

"Everything's amazing, Ben. But you know what this means right?"

"What?"

"I'm going to expect you to cook for me all the time."

"Not a problem. If it gets you over here, I'm all about it." He placed his hand on my leg, while trying to inconspicuously arch an eyebrow.

Unfortunately, Shayna noticed. "Ahem, I'm only in town for a few days. I think you two can keep the conversation PG until I leave."

Jake laughed. "These two? I don't think it even took forty-eight hours of Molly being back before they were at it again."

Ben punched his arm.

"What's that for?"

"Do I really have to explain?"

"How did you even know that, Jake?" I looked over at the guilty expression on Ben's face. "Seriously?"

He shrugged. "He asked why I was in such a good mood."

"All right, so what are you guys up to tonight?" I tried to steer the conversation. I couldn't really be mad considering I'd told Kelly right away. Besides, I already knew Jake had broadcasted it to everyone at Gill's.

"I'm not sure. What are you doing?" Ben asked.

"I promised some people I'd stop by Gill's and catch up," Shayna said. "Anyone want to join me?"

"I'm game for that," Jake said.

Ben and I both agreed.

Shayna and I insisted that Ben let us do the dishes since he did all of the cooking, and then we all headed over to Gill's.

***

The bar was packed by the time we got there. Shayna took a spot all the way to the side of the lot where the pavement changed to gravel.

"Happening tonight, huh?" Shayna asked before we got out.

"I guess so."

"I still can't believe I'm going to Gill's with my little sister."

"I'm not so little anymore."

Shayna glanced over at me. "I know."

Ben pulled in next to us, hopping down from his truck just as I walked around the car. He took my hand, leading me in. I realized that the handholding wasn't just because he wanted the contact. He wanted to get the word out that we were officially together. I smiled. Sometimes, his Neanderthal ways were cute.

"Do you want something to drink? I couldn't tell if you just didn't want wine or..."

Shayna interrupted him. "She wants something to drink. She was just trying to prove to me she isn't an alcoholic."

You had to love Shayna and her bluntness.

"Okay, what can I get you girls?"

"Just get us some Coronas," Shayna answered for both of us.

Ben went to try to get the bartender's attention, and I followed Shayna further inside.

"Well, I'll be damned, both Sander sisters are back!" Ronny came over, putting an arm around each of us.

"Hey, Ronny!" I awkwardly slinked out from under his arm as Shayna hugged him.

"Shayna?" Tom came over with Kelly right behind him. "When did you get back?"

"Hey! I got in this morning. I'm just here for the weekend. I wanted to check on my sister. And I hear congratulations are in order." Shayna turned to Kelly, gesturing for her hand so she could look at the ring. "I never took you for a cradle robber, Tom, but good for you."

"Hey, I waited until she was perfectly legal."

"Yeah, sure."

"I didn't expect to see you here." Gavin's husky voice startled me as he put an arm around me. I'd never realized just how touchy feely people were in Clayton Falls. Plus, after what happened at the party, I'd expected him to have backed down.

I looked up, locking eyes with Shayna.

Shayna looked Gavin over. "And who might you be?"

"Hi, wow. You have to be Molly's sister. You look so much alike."

I distanced myself from Gavin. The last thing I needed was for Ben to see that. He'd flip.

"Yeah, we get that a lot. But you didn't answer my question. Who are you?"

"Don't let her get to you, she's always this bossy." Tom laughed.

"Gavin Powell." He held out a hand to Shayna in a formal way.

She accepted his handshake, but never took her eyes off his face. "And you know my sister, how?"

"Tom introduced us. I have to say I'm really glad he did."

Shayna looked at me, confused. I had conveniently forgotten to mention him.

"Is he safe, Tom?"

"Would I have introduced them if he wasn't? Don't worry, he's a good one."

"All right, I'll take it, but I don't think he's going to." Shayna gestured to Ben heading toward us.

Ben eyed Gavin warily as he approached, handing both Shayna and I beers before putting an arm around my waist to pull me toward him.

"How is everyone doing tonight? Gavin." Ben was careful to make his acknowledgement of Gavin less than friendly.

Both Shayna and Kelly smiled. Tom just looked uncomfortable.

"Hi, Ben." Gavin shot him daggers.

"Because this isn't awkward." Kelly laughed.

"My little sister the heart breaker," Shayna said under her breath.

Jake chose that moment to join us. "This is an interesting group."

"Maybe a little too much testosterone," Shayna added.

"Do you want to shoot some pool?" Ben asked. "It looks like a table is about to open."

"Sure, I haven't played in ages." I played during college a bit, but I had barely gone out over the past year.

"I'm up for it." Gavin pretended he was included in the invitation.

"Let's play teams," Shayna suggested.

Tom pointed to Shayna. "She's a good partner, Gavin. Trust me."

We walked over and claimed the table. Gavin broke, and I grabbed a cue.

"You said you hadn't played in a while. Do you need a refresher?" Ben asked from right behind me. I remembered when he'd first taught me to play at the table in his basement. We didn't stay focused on pool for long back then. I had to think about my answer. I didn't want to make Gavin more uncomfortable, but I realized Ben was trying to stake his claim. Ben's feelings seemed more important at the moment. Besides, there was no reason to leave Gavin with the wrong idea.

"I suppose a little help can't hurt."

Ben's arms came around me as he lined my body up to his. "Remember it's all about the positioning."

I called a bank shot to the corner pocket and watched as I sunk the ball.

"Good job, baby," Ben cooed in my ear. I had a feeling he was looking right at Gavin.

I sank one more ball, but then missed the third.

Shayna dominated, getting shot after shot, doing a little triumphant jig each time. My sister was such a ham sometimes.

The game moved quickly. Gavin got perpetually more frustrated as Ben constantly found an excuse to touch me.

By the time we finished the game, I knew I had to talk to Gavin. He deserved it.

"Gavin, do you have a second?"

Ben tensed beside me.

"Sure," Gavin answered, handing his cue to the pair ready to claim our table.

"I'll be right back," I told Ben and Shayna. Ben didn't look happy, but Shayna placed a reassuring hand on his arm. She understood what I was doing.

I followed Gavin out to the parking lot.

"I'm sorry. He can be like that."

"It's all right. I'd be doing the same thing if I were him. Besides, I owe you apology for the other night. I know I said some things I shouldn't have."

"It's okay," I reassured him. "No harm done."

"But I have to know. What's going on with you two? Are you still just 'keeping it casual'?"

"We're going to see where it goes."

"I see."

I swallowed, trying to find the right words. "I just don't want things to be awkward. We're still going to be seeing quite a bit of each other with the wedding and all."

"We'll likely be seeing each other long after that, unless you aren't sticking around."

"I'm not going anywhere," I said confidently.

"Good. By the way, a smile looks nice on you."

"Thanks."

"So, we should probably get back inside before Ben comes after us."

"That's probably a good idea," I agreed.

"But if for some reason things don't work out with Ben, I'm not going anywhere."

"I'll remember that." I gave a small smile before we walked back inside.

Relief passed over Ben's face when I walked back over and leaned up against him. His arm came around me immediately, as did a light kiss on my forehead. "Everything okay?"

I noticed that Shayna had wandered off to catch up with some more friends. Kelly and Tom were in their own little world. "Yeah, I just wanted to make sure Gavin knew that you and I are together now."

"I figured, and that was the nice thing to do. If it were up to me, I probably would have done something less polite."

"Yeah, I bet. He's not a bad guy, just not the guy for me."

Ben leaned in to whisper in my ear. "There's no way you can come home with me tonight is there?"

"No. Shayna's only here for the weekend. I need to spend it with her."

"I get it. But that doesn't mean I won't miss you. You'll call me if the nightmares are too bad, right?"

I refused to lie to him. "Probably not, but it's nice to know I can if I need to."

"I'll take it, but only because after this weekend you're spending all your nights with me."

"That sounds good."

"Because it is good."

Shayna and I left a little while later. Ben kissed me goodbye in a more public display then I was used to, but Gavin had already left, so I wasn't worried about upsetting anyone.

We headed home fully intending to go straight to bed, but somehow we stayed up for hours talking over ice cream. I really couldn't remember a time when we'd talked so openly. Shayna sounded incredibly happy. She loved her job, and being a mom seemed to really fulfill her. Although her husband could be pretentious sometimes, he made her happy and that was all that mattered. The more she opened up about herself, the easier it was for me to be real with her.

"I saw your camera out on the counter. Does that mean you're getting into photography again?"

"Yeah, I think being here brought that side of me back. It feels good."

"Art can sometimes be a form of therapy, you know." She handed me the carton of ice cream, licking off her spoon before she could make a mess.

"Dad used to say that." I thought about the hours Dad spent down in his darkroom in the basement. As a little girl, I'd watched him develop his photos. He bought me my first camera at seven, and it was the one thing we really had in common. I remember how crazy he thought I was when I decided to start taking digital pictures—but eventually he understood that it was an art form in itself.

"Is it weird for you to be here, knowing he's gone? It's always weird for me."

"Weird isn't the right word." I took a spoonful of ice cream, choosing my words carefully. "It started off painful, but now I almost feel closer to him, if that makes sense."

"It makes sense. He'd be impressed by how strong you are."

I laughed dryly, putting the carton with my spoon on the side table. "You mean he'd be disappointed in how much of a failure I am."

"That's not true."

"Don't mess with me, Shayna. I'm twenty-two, have no idea what I'm doing with my life, and I'm living in our parents' house."

She curled up her legs under her. "But you're living and breathing. You made it through something terrible, and you're finding your way."

"Whatever you say." I wrapped myself up in a blanket. "He still wouldn't be proud. But you know what? No matter what I did, it never would have been good enough for him."

"Don't say that. He was always proud of you. He was only tough because he wanted what was best for you."

"I wish he didn't die hating me."

"What?" She sat up and moved close to me. "Dad didn't hate you. Mom told me all about your fight, but that didn't mean anything. He loved you, Mol."

The tears started, and I couldn't stop them. I fell into the hug Shayna offered.

"I'm a mom now. I can tell you on good authority that a parent's love for their children really is unconditional. You meant the world to him, and nothing could have changed that."

Shayna's words should have comforted me, but my guilt over his death wasn't something that could be healed easily.

"I'm glad Ben is making you happy." She eased the conversation into less emotional territory.

"Yeah, me too."

We talked about Ben for a while before we went upstairs to bed. I'd never felt so close to Shayna before. Maybe we were going to have that adult sibling relationship my mom had sworn we'd have one day.

We spent the rest of the weekend in much the same way: catching up on each other's lives and just enjoying being together. It was the most time either of us had spent at the beach in years, and we spent all day Saturday lying out and swimming. I was glad Ben respected my need to spend time with her. We talked for a few minutes Saturday night, but that was it.

Neither Shayna nor I were looking forward to saying goodbye on Sunday. Shayna needed to return her rental car before the flight, so she had to leave before lunch.

She took my hand before walking out the front door. "I expected to find you on the floor when I got here. I'm glad I was wrong."

"So, you are actually admitting to being wrong?" I smiled.

"There's a first time for everything. But seriously, you'll make it through this. You're going to be okay."

"I don't know about that, but I'm holding in there."

"I'm glad you decided to give Ben another chance. You were right. He has changed."

"But he's also stayed the same in all the important ways."

"I'm proud of you." Shayna wiped away some tears. "I don't think I would have been strong enough to deal with what you went through without self-destructing."

"You would have dealt. You deal with what you have to." I tried to sound more confident than I really felt.

"You'll come visit us, right?"

"Yes. I promise. But you need to go before you miss your flight."

She pulled me into a hug. "Take care of yourself."

"You too."

I stood on the front step watching Shayna pull away. I never would have believed it at the beginning of the weekend, but her visit was exactly what I'd needed. I thought about what she said—maybe I really would be okay.

Chapter Twenty

"I can't believe I'm really getting married." Kelly and I reclined on two lawn chairs in her backyard after the rehearsal dinner. Things had gone perfectly at the church, and we'd all enjoyed a fun barbeque afterward. Ben and I were the only ones left. Things weren't too awkward with Gavin, but he was still really stiff with Ben. I understood and was glad that no one said anything about it.

"This time tomorrow you'll be Mrs. Tom Farell."

"I'm not old enough to be missus anything."

"Then call yourself Ms. because either way, it's happening."

"I know, and I can't wait."

Watching the look of pure joy and excitement on her face made me smile and tear up simultaneously. I really was so happy for her.

Ben walked over to us, leaning down to match my eye level. "I need to head out to rehearsal. I hate to make you leave if you're not ready, though." He looked at his watch. "Maybe I could wait ten minutes?"

"No, it's okay. Go ahead, I'll just walk home or make Kelly drive me."

Kelly rolled her eyes. "You wouldn't have to make me."

"All right. It's going to be really late, so don't wait up." Ben smiled. He loved saying things like that. Although I had initially planned to resist his offer to start spending nights at his place, I'd caved easily. We weren't living together exactly because I kept most of my stuff at my parents' house, but I hadn't spent a night alone since Shayna went back to Seattle. We'd fallen into a comfortable routine, and I hoped it wouldn't change anytime soon.

Ben left, and I spent another hour chatting with Kelly before she drove me the short distance home. Tom was leaving to spend the night at Gavin's because Kelly insisted that they sleep separately the night before the wedding. As modern as Kelly could be, she still had some old fashioned girl in her.

"Sleep well, bride-to-be." I reached over to hug her before getting out of the car.

"I doubt I'll sleep at all, but I'll try."

"So you want me over at eleven, right?'

"Yes, but feel free to come earlier."

"All right, good night."

***

Ben was still at rehearsal with his band when the email showed up. The time stamp was listed as 12:00 a.m. on the dot, but I didn't check it until 12:04. I'm not usually such a detail oriented person, but I'd never forget that it took me four minutes to see it.

The name jumped out at me, stabbing at my heart and making me feel light headed. My first thought was that it was a cruel joke. It wasn't until I got up the nerve to open the email that I realized it for what it was—his note.

Dear Molly,

This is probably going to be a hard day for you, or at least I think it will be. I don't know if you ever wanted to marry me, but I know you don't want to now. You may have convinced yourself you wanted to postpone it because we don't have the money, but you can't fool me. I've known you long enough to know when you're in denial.

I never thought things would turn out like this. I was supposed to be living it up, making an impression at the firm. Instead, my job's maybe a month away from gone. We were supposed to be in love, but that part's only half true. I love you, but I don't believe you actually love me. I've tried to figure out if there's someone else—but I don't think there is. I think there's just the idea of someone else.

I know you probably won't understand my decision, but I can't do this anymore. I can't be a failure.

I hope you find your happily ever after one day—you deserve it.

I'll always love you.

Adam

I didn't make it to the bathroom. I got sick right there on the kitchen floor. I had a fleeting thought that at least it wasn't the carpet. The good thing about the mess was that it kept me momentarily distracted. I got out the mop and made a bucket of cleaner. The floor was spotless when the contents of the email finally set in.

I poured myself a cranberry vodka. The second glass didn't even have cranberry juice. The alcohol numbed the pain a little, but not enough. I took an extra swig straight from the bottle. I wanted Ben, but I wasn't sure how I could face him. It was one thing when I could pretend it wasn't my fault—but I had my proof. What kind of person sends his fiancé his suicide note on their wedding day? I couldn't believe he'd had the wherewithal to do it. I couldn't believe he'd made me wait so long.

I had my note. It should have felt like closure. That's all I'd wanted with my dad—closure. But somehow this note didn't make things any better. I only felt worse. Drunk, angry, and unwilling to sit in the house any longer, I went out. I was in no shape to drive, so I walked. I wasn't sure where I was headed, but I kept going. I was halfway out of town when I realized where I was.

Remnants of a party were spewed all over the grass beside the tracks. A whole case of empty beer bottles rattled as I pushed over the box to sit on it. I guess these kids were neat enough to put them back in the cardboard. We never were. I heard the faint sound of a train whistle in the distance.

I used to love hanging out at the tracks up by the crossing; it was as good a place as any to party. Plus, it had the added bonus of the ultimate dare. We'd all stand on the tracks when we heard the first warning of the freight train approaching. The last one standing on the tracks won. I always won—every single time. While everyone else jumped off as soon as the whistle got louder, I waited until I could feel the train. I knew that you got a nice head start with the vibrations before you could see the light.

I wondered if I still had the nerve. I stood up and walked over to the tracks, balancing on a rail. The whistle sounded again, but I still didn't feel anything. I thought about how much had changed since the last time I'd stood there. I looked over a few feet to where the white cross with my Dad's name stood out in the moonlight.

The vibrations started—mild at first, then increasing—but I stood my ground. I looked ahead of me, wondering how long it would take before the light of the train would come into sight. A whistle sounded loudly, and I knew it would soon come around the bend. I'd never held out this long. My friends would have been freaking out by now—begging me to stop messing around. They weren't there this time.

The light was brighter than I'd expected, and I froze for a second, shivering as I realized how little stood between me and that train—or really how nothing did. Kind of how nothing stood between life and death. The whistle blew again, and the light was almost on me.

For a brief moment, I wondered what would happen if I didn't move. Could all the misery finally end? Then I remembered Ben—I saw his brown eyes and his smile.

I jumped off, falling to my knees as the large freight train lumbered past. The noise was deafening as I watched car after car. I had a fleeting thought of what would happen if I jumped on. Was there really anywhere else I wanted to be? The answer was simple—no. Running away wasn't going to dull the pain. I'd learned that already.

Once the last car disappeared into the distance, I returned to the case of empty beer bottles. I pulled one out and threw it onto the track, loving the release from smashing the glass into tiny pieces. I picked up another one and did the same thing. And then another. The next one bounced off. I bent down to retrieve it and sliced my hand. It didn't seem like a deep cut at first, but it started oozing blood and hurt like hell. I slunk down in the grass—just wanting all the pain to end.

I pulled my phone out of my back pocket and speed dialed Ben's number, hoping he heard it even if he was still practicing.

"Hello?"

"I need you." I broke into sobs.

"Where are you?"

"The crossing."

"I'm on my way. Don't hang up." I could hear the panic in his voice.

I heard him muffle a few words to his band mates and then a door slamming closed. "I'm on my way."

I didn't say anything, unable to talk through my hysterics.

"I'm coming, I'm coming." He said it over and over. I lay down on the grass, looking up at the stars.

I heard his truck drive onto the shoulder and then he was there, pulling me into his lap. "Molly, what's wrong? What are you doing here?"

"You came."

"Of course I did. I'm never making that mistake again. What happened?" He took off his t-shirt and wrapped my hand in it.

I handed him my phone, hitting the email icon. I'd never closed out of the message.

Ben read it. "What a fucking bastard."

"I know. I mean, I know he was sick or something, but to send me this? He knew what it would do to me."

"Don't let it do it. Don't let it hurt you."

"That's easy for you to say. What do you know about living with guilt like this?"

"I may not know about guilt, but I sure as hell know about regret."

"What do you mean?"

"I fucked up and lost the best thing that ever happened to me, and it took five years to get you back."

"You didn't mess up. I shouldn't have taken it out on you. I only called once."

"Yeah, and I didn't pick up."

"Because you couldn't hear it."

"That's not true." He pulled me closer against him, like he was afraid I'd disappear if he didn't hold tight. "I heard it ring. I didn't want to pick up."

"Why not?" I pulled away slightly so I could look up at him, noticing what might have been tears in his eyes.

"I didn't want to listen to the nagging. You were so down on me for getting high, and I didn't want you to ruin it for me."

"Oh." I didn't know what to say. Compared to everything else that night, it didn't shock me.

"So, if you want to blame yourself for Adam or your Dad, I can't stop you, but what you need to realize is that we all screw up sometimes."

"Screwing up doesn't quite cover making people kill themselves."

"That's because you didn't make anyone do anything. You need to accept that. Adam made his own decision—he even said as much. And who knows with your dad—it could have just been an accident, but that isn't the point. You want to feel badly for fighting with your dad, or hurting Adam because you weren't in love with him, that's fine, but that's where it ends." Ben squeezed my hand.

"You should have had a chance to apologize to your dad, and Adam should have dealt. Sure, it might have been heartbreaking to realize you didn't return his feelings anymore, but I can say from experience that isn't a reason to end your life."

"No, it's not." I thought about the moment on the track, how close the train came and how easily I could have caused the same pain I'd spent years buckling under.

"You're going to be okay. We're going to be okay."

"I know. You came."

"And I'll always come." He stood up, helping me up with my good hand. "We need to get you home and take care of that cut."

"Home. I like that."
Chapter Twenty-One

With hair and makeup done, Daniela and I zipped each other up in our light green, strapless bridesmaid dresses before going to help Kelly's mom get her into her wedding gown. Satin and tea length, the dress fit Kelly perfectly. She glowed and looked like the princess every girl should on her wedding day. The photographer came in to take some pictures while we all laughed, reminiscing about how Kelly had been planning her wedding since she was twelve years old. Kelly had a beautiful day for a wedding. It was sunny without a cloud in the sky.

We left the room Kelly used to get dressed and headed toward the sanctuary. We waited right outside the door.

"I'm so glad you're here with me." Kelly stopped and turned to look at me. I could tell she really meant it. Our friendship had managed to survive all the years we'd spent apart.

Her father stood a little ways away, waiting anxiously. He shifted his weight from foot to foot. I smiled watching him. This wasn't an easy day for him. I'm sure it's never easy for a father to give his daughter away. My dad never got the chance to give me away. At least he'd been there for Shayna's wedding. I forced an icy thought from my mind, determined not to let my own bitter memories interfere with Kelly's wedding.

Instead I focused on what was right in front of me. "Me too. I've missed you."

"Whoa, I'm going to start crying already." She ran a finger under her eye, trying to make sure the few stray tears didn't reach her makeup.

"Save that for when you're up there with Tom."

"You're going to have this too one day, you know."

"Let's just focus on you right now."

"All right."

We hugged before joining Daniela.

The doors opened, signaling the beginning of the wedding. I peeked in and watched as Tom stood at the altar with his groomsmen beside him.

As the music started, Daniela walked down the aisle. I waited in the entryway until she reached the halfway point, gazing up at the tall ceilings and enjoying the sun pouring in through the windows.

Right on cue, I started my slow walk. An idle thought about how I was supposed to be walking down the aisle in a different capacity hit me, but I quickly pushed it away. Just like Adam had said, I didn't actually want to marry him. Trying to give more significance to the date was self-serving and false.

I picked up my chin, smiled, and looked around at the beautiful stained glass windows lining the side wall. When I reached the end, I took my spot and immediately found Ben sitting in a pew on Kelly's side of the church. I gave him a small wave, filling with emotion just seeing him there looking handsome in a navy sport coat. Any doubts I had about us were gone. Ben didn't have to worry about me running away—there was nowhere else I wanted to be.

I held Kelly's flowers, did a short reading, and enjoyed every moment of their beautiful and simple ceremony. I even had to fight back some tears of my own. I felt grateful to have been part of her special day, to have had the opportunity to witness Kelly live her happily ever after.

We spent what felt like an eternity taking pictures outside, and I was probably the only one who didn't mind the heat. Gavin and I were the only members of the bridal party who weren't actually family, so we spent some time sitting under the awning of the church waiting to be called for a few more shots.

"You look beautiful today." Gavin smiled.

"Oh. Thanks. You look nice too." Gavin, like Tom and Kelly's brother Cole, wore a navy suit.

"That was a nice wedding, wasn't it? Sometimes weddings can be long and boring, but I liked theirs."

"I agree. It was really nice. I'm so happy for them." I leaned against the wall of the church as standing around in heels for a few hours started to wear on me.

"Me too. Tom's a lucky guy." Gavin moved to stand next to me. "See, we can do this."

"Do what?"

"Act like friends, without it being weird."

I looked over at him. "Yeah, it's nice."

"Okay, no more using the word 'nice' today."

I laughed. "Okay, good plan."

We were interrupted when the photographer called us over for a big group shot. Afterward, I was excused; Gavin still had to do a few more pictures with Tom. I headed back inside.

The reception was in another room of the church, decorated with pink and green flower arrangements as well as some pictures of the ocean I had taken over the past few weeks. It was simple, but beautiful. By the time I arrived, the cocktail hour was in full swing, and I made my way over to where Ben stood with a plate of food. Without asking, I helped myself to a cracker.

"Hey, gorgeous, are we on stealing each other's food terms already?"

I laughed. "I think we've been there for a while."

"I don't know. I take my food seriously."

"Yeah, but you know what I get like when I'm hungry."

"Very true." He held his plate over to me. "Dig in."

I picked up a strawberry. "Good selections, by the way."

"You know I picked them with you in mind."

I kissed him on the cheek. "So how'd I do?"

"Oh, you were fantastic. No tripping and you didn't stumble over any words when you read."

"Good. You know there is just so much pressure on the maid of honor."

"Speaking of pressure, are you ready for your big speech?" Ben asked.

"Yeah, it was pretty easy to write."

"By the way, you look beautiful." He changed the subject, pushing back a strand of hair that had fallen out of my updo.

"Thank you."

"Oh, here's this." Ben handed me the paper I had entrusted him with earlier.

Kelly and Tom made their entrance, dancing a beautiful first dance to Lonestar's "Amazed." I smiled. Kelly had always planned on making that her first dance song. I doubted Tom had any say in it. When they walked over to their sweethearts' table, I knew it was time to make my speech.

I stood up, accepting the microphone from the DJ, took a deep breath, and faced the crowd.

"I've been lucky enough to know Kelly my whole life, or at least since age three when we started nursery school. As legend, or at least Mom legend goes, we became best friends when we arrived at school wearing the same dress. Even back then we both had good taste." I paused for some light laugher.

"Speaking of good taste, Kelly has had the same taste in men for a while. I actually have proof." Kelly looked at me with a surprised expression. I unfolded the faded notebook paper Ben had carried for me all day.

I held up the paper, knowing that no one else could actually see it, and started to read.

Predictions: January 1, 2000

Kelly will marry Tom Farell and have four kids, two boys and two girls. She will teach elementary school and will be neighbors with Molly. Molly will become a famous photographer, and hopefully find someone who shares her love for art, pasta, and the open water."

"No way! You don't have that!" Kelly interrupted to examine the evidence. "Oh my god. I remember writing that. Where did you find it?"

"On the floor of my closet."

"Wow, oh my god." Kelly started crying what I assumed were happy tears as Tom came to walk her back to her seat.

"So the lesson here is: Tom has a lot of work ahead of him." I paused as the audience had another laugh. "Oh, and that some dreams do come true." I looked out at Kelly, who was wiping her eyes.

"Anyway, Kelly has always been a true friend to me—supportive of my decisions no matter how out there or strange they may have seemed at the time. Although we haven't been able to see each other often over the past few years, it hasn't changed the strength of our friendship. In all of my years of knowing Kelly, I've never seen her so happy. Tom, you really know how to make her glow and shine. I love you both and wish you a lifetime of joy and happiness."

Kelly ran up to hug me, and we both lost it. Gavin gently took the microphone from me. "You're a hard act to follow, but nice job," he whispered.

I smiled, fighting down the urge to call him on using the word 'nice.' "Thanks, I'm sure yours will be just as good."

Gavin's speech was short and to the point. He cracked a few jokes, but ended on a similar note as mine. Kelly and Tom made an incredibly beautiful and happy couple.

"So if you count music as art, I'm actually your dream guy." Ben took my hand and led me into a slow dance.

"I suppose you do love pasta as much as me, and you like the water more." I smiled.

"So, maybe that means your dream came true too."

"I'm not a famous photographer."

"Not yet, but the second half was the important part."

"You're right, it was."

"Do you think that will be us one day?" I followed Ben's gaze and watched Kelly and Tom laughing as he tried to feed her more cake.

"I don't know, maybe. But not like that."

"What do you mean?"

"I don't want a traditional wedding like this—not anymore. If you ever decide to propose, you better make sure you really want to marry me. I'm not doing another long engagement—and we're not spending much money."

"Considering I've wanted to marry you since high school, it's a 'when,' not an 'if,' so I'll keep that in mind."

"You do that." I couldn't ignore the flutter in my chest when Ben talked about us getting married. I wanted it as much as he did.

"Do you want to get out of here?" he asked.

"Go home?"

"Just to pick up some stuff." He had a mischievous glint to his eyes.

"Pick up stuff?"

"Let's go on a road trip. We never got to take that one after graduation."

I thought back on the trip we were going to take right before I left for college. It had taken months of begging to get my dad to agree, and it was all for nothing. Somehow taking that trip now seemed fitting. "That sounds perfect."

***

"All right, I think that's it." Ben slammed the trunk of my car after loading the last of the camping gear. A couple of duffel bags lined the floor of the backseat, along with the case of one of Ben's acoustic guitars.

"Do you want to drive first?" I asked.

"Sure."

I tossed my keys over to him, and we got in.

"First, we need the perfect music." He pulled a CD out of an old jewel case, sliding it into my ancient CD player. The Fray came on. "I made us twenty hours of music that we never used. We're listening to it now."

I laughed. "This is going to be interesting."

"Isn't it always?" He pulled away from the curb, and we headed out of town.

We reached the highway leading out to the interstate. Other than heading west, we had no particular plans. We hoped to eventually make it to see my family in Seattle. I figured we'd do some traveling first though.

"Which way do you want to go?" He held my hand and rested it on his leg.

I shrugged. "It doesn't matter, does it?"

He squeezed my hand, meeting my gaze. "No, it really doesn't. That's kind of nice, isn't it?"

"Definitely. It's the company I care about."

He smiled. "I happen to agree."

Ben turned, and for the life of me, I don't remember if it was a left or a right.
Epilogue

I looked out at the water, enjoying the way the wood of the dock felt under my bare feet. The water would be warm. It was almost fall. Ben and I had already been back for a few weeks. Our whirlwind trip out west had been just what we needed. The only dark cloud was the knowledge that the dock would soon belong to someone else. Out of nowhere, a buyer gave Mom an offer she couldn't refuse.

"You don't want to say goodbye to this place, do you?" Ben put an arm around my shoulder.

I tried to choke back a sob. "No. I don't want to let it go. But who knows, maybe it's better this way. Maybe it's time to move on."

"Have you ever thought about who the buyer is? Why he wanted the house?"

"No. Does it matter?"

"I don't know. Would it change anything if the buyer was a guy buying the house for the girlfriend he was about to propose to?"

"Ben?" I looked up at him through tear-dampened eyelashes.

"Maybe the guy wants to show this girl that they can make new memories that fit right in with the old ones."

He went down on one knee.

My heart fluttered. This was really happening.

"I know that life hasn't turned out exactly the way you wanted, and I can't change the past for you. But I can change your future, and you can change mine the way you changed my life right here so many years ago when we kissed for the first time. Marry me, Molly. Let's build our own life here." He took my hand, sliding a small solitaire ring onto my finger. I had no doubt it was the same ring he'd held onto for five years.

I nodded and fell to my knees next to him, crying, but for a different reason this time. "Yes."

His smile melted my heart, and I knew my expression mirrored his.

He helped me stand up before kissing me with an intensity that left me breathless. His hands caressed me like I was the most important thing in the world. After breaking the kiss, we just stood there watching one another for a moment.

He took my hands. "I took what you said about not wanting a long engagement seriously."

"What do you mean?"

He grinned. "Your family gets in tomorrow, and we're getting married right here Saturday followed by a small reception on the Serenity."

I let his words sink in. "That sounds... perfect. There's nothing else in the world I want more."

He wrapped his arms around me. "Welcome home, Molly."

Keep reading for a preview of Veer, the second book in the Clayton Falls Series. For more information about Alyssa Rose Ivy's books, please visit her online at:

www.AlyssaRoseIvy.com

www.facebook.com/AlyssaRoseIvy

twitter.com/AlyssaRoseIvy

AlyssaRoseIvy@gmail.com

To stay up to date on Alyssa's new releases, join her mailing list: http://eepurl.com/ktlSj

Veer

Alyssa Rose Ivy

Chapter One

Becca

There were no warning signs. The car just went from running, to a slow sputter, and then completely dead. Luckily I was able to coast the car over to the shoulder. Thank goodness for the little things in life.

Fishing my phone out of my purse, I prayed for service. Two bars. It would be enough. I dialed Molly. She'd come get me. I waited for the call to go through, but nothing happened. I hung up and tried again. Nothing. I couldn't hold off the first hint of panic.

The sun descended quickly, and I was stranded on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere. Hitting Molly's number again, I waited, but got only more dead air. I considered getting out of the car to see if I got better service, but that seemed too much like what would happen in a horror movie. Girls in those kinds of movies always did stupid things like getting out of their cars.

I sat for another few minutes, contemplating my options. An SUV pulled up behind me. I stiffened. Was this going to be help or just someone using my car breaking down as an excuse to kill me?

As I sat there freaking out about the possibilities, I heard a knock on my window. My heart just about jumped out of my chest. Hesitantly, I looked up and saw a tall hulk of a man right outside the car. He gestured with his hands for me to open the door. I shook my head no. This guy was huge. There was no way I was opening the door.

He nodded, held up a finger as if telling me to wait, and disappeared. I waited, wondering what he was up to and whether I could find any sort of weapon. I settled for closing my fist around the small container of mace I kept in my bag.

I heard another rap on the window and glanced over. The man held a badge up for me to read. He was a cop. Of course anyone could fake a police badge, but that seemed extreme even for my imagination. I decided to take a chance and open the door.

Before I could even open it all the way, the guy ducked his head down to talk to me. "Having car trouble?"

I tried to appear more confident than I really felt. "Yeah, it looks that way."

"I can take a look at it for you, but honestly, I'm not great with cars. I'm guessing by the Massachusetts plates that you're not from around here."

"No, I'm not." Cop or not, I wasn't going to give him more information than I had to.

"Where are you headed?" He squatted down, making eye contact. He was good at this—yeah, he was really a cop.

"Umm, Clayton Falls?" I looked down at the Google directions I'd printed out in case my GPS failed. Molly hadn't talked much about her town, so the name still sounded foreign on my tongue.

"Clayton Falls, huh?"

"Yeah."

"You wouldn't happen to be Molly's friend, would you?" A faint smile played on his lips. It gave him an almost boyish look that was at odds with his size.

How'd he know? "Yes..."

"I'm a friend of hers." He held out his hand. "Gavin Powell."

"You're Gavin? The Gavin?" Molly had told me about her near fling with the hot cop in her hometown, but I thought she'd exaggerated his good looks and size.

He smiled. "So you've heard about me? As far as I know, I'm the only Gavin."

I remembered my situation. Not the time to flirt. "Is there any way you can help me get through to her? My phone isn't working."

"Yeah, service is iffy out this way. Why don't I give you a lift? I'll take care of getting your car towed." He leaned in closer, his body heat making an already warm evening hotter. His brown hair was messy, and I had a feeling he never really bothered to fix it. His friendly hazel eyes begged me to trust him, but I couldn't.

"That's really generous, but really, I can wait for Molly."

"Listen, Ms..." He looked at me, waiting for me to fill in the blanks.

"Harris. Becca Harris."

"I appreciate your hesitation. It's smart for a woman to be careful, but we've already established I'm a police officer, and we share a mutual friend. You can trust me." His voice was low and rich with a sexy drawl that got under my skin.

He was probably right, but I still wasn't willing to make a stupid decision. "For all I know, the badge is fake."

"And I just happened to know the person you were coming to see?"

"No, but—"

"Come on. It's getting late, and I can't leave you out here." He shook his head at me in frustration.

"Fine." If I was debating chances of survival, taking a ride was probably the better option.

He reached out a hand to help me out of my dead car.

"I'm fine." I let go of the mace, put my purse over my shoulder, and got out. I went around to the trunk, popping it open to retrieve my suitcases.

"I've got them." Gavin placed a hand on mine as if to get me to release the handle of the first bag. I tried to ignore how nice the momentary contact felt. I hadn't felt the warmth of a large, capable hand in a very long time.

"You sure?" I turned to look at him, but in the growing darkness, I saw more shadow than anything.

"Yeah, is this it?"

"I just have a garment bag in the backseat." I went around and pulled it out. The bag contained the most important part of my wardrobe—my suit. I wasn't sure how much I'd need it in Clayton Falls, but I didn't want to be caught without it.

"Ready?" he asked.

"Uh huh."

I followed him to his car, one of those huge SUVs I'd never pick in a million years, and waited as he stowed my bags in the back. I stepped up into the passenger seat, wondering for the umpteenth time what I was even doing in North Carolina.

The impersonal email letting me know I wasn't being asked back to work in the DA's office for the summer had been the final straw. I'd wanted to work for the District Attorney since I was 17—I didn't have a backup plan. My second year of law school had been a disaster. Starting the year without my best friend Molly had been hard enough—but then a few months later, my Mom died.

"You okay over there?" Gavin started the engine and eased us back onto the road.

"Yeah, sorry."

He glanced over at me and frowned before turning his attention to the road. "You aren't what I expected."

"I beg your pardon?"

"I guess I expected someone more like Molly."

"Oh, did you?" I guess Gavin wasn't as over my friend as she'd thought. Of course, she probably hadn't thought much about it since getting married to her high school sweetheart, Ben, the previous summer. I hadn't been able to make the wedding on the short notice she gave, but I'd never heard her happier than when she called me the next day. It's not that I blamed Gavin for having trouble moving on. Molly was a gorgeous blond with a big heart.

"Yeah. Maybe it's the accent or something."

"My accent?" I asked, surprised that he wasn't talking about my appearance. With my long dark hair and at least five inches on her, Molly and I definitely couldn't pass for twins.

He turned to look at me. "You don't think you have an accent?"

"It's not as bad as yours." Molly had made fun of my Boston accent more than a few times over the years, and I'd always thrown the taunting right back at her.

"I don't have an accent," he said indignantly, as if I'd slapped him.

"Okay, whatever you say, Mr. Southern Drawl."

"Now I remember why I hate northerners," he grumbled. His once friendly expression darkened.

"Seriously?"

"Yeah. You're all the same."

I coughed. "Please tell me you're joking." Great, I hoped I wouldn't be dealing with the northerner junk all summer.

"No. I'm just wondering what made you come down here. You're going to be a fish out of water."

"Are you done?" I wasn't going to listen to more of his condescending attitude.

"Maybe. Are you?"

"What? All I did was mention you had an accent too."

"Mr. Southern Drawl? That's just mentioning it?"

"Okay, let's just agree to drop it. No more talking about accents."

"Fine by me." He nodded. "We'll be there soon, anyway."

"Good. I just want to get to Molly's."

We rode in silence. I still wasn't sure how I'd managed to set him off, but evidently he was sensitive about the accent thing.

I glanced over at Gavin a few times, but he just stared stiffly straight ahead. For such a good looking guy, he had a horrible personality.

He pulled off the interstate and onto a small highway. With no lights or any other cars, there was something kind of eerie about it.

I felt the urge to break the silence. "You're not from here, right?" I remembered Molly mentioning something about it.

"Nope."

Add wonderful conversationalist to his long list of good traits. "Is there any reason why you're being rude to me?"

He laughed dryly. "Rude to you? I'm giving you a ride, aren't I?"

"Sure, but you've barely said two words."

"I've said more than two."

"Oh, does everything have to be literal with you?"

"Does everything have to be a question with you?" His hand tightened on the wheel. "Listen, you're Molly's friend, so I'm taking you to her place. I never agreed to provide any entertainment."

"Okay..."

I took out my cell again. This time I had service.

Molly picked up right away. "Becca? Hey, where are you?"

"I'm almost there, but I had to get a ride from someone. I'll fill you in when I get to your house."

"Wait, who gave you a ride?"

"Gavin."

"You're with Gavin? What happened?"

"I'll tell you later." I didn't want to go into details with Gavin listening. He'd probably find another reason to argue with me.

"Okay, see you in a few minutes."

I hung up, replacing the phone in my bag. Gavin never glanced over.

Gavin drove around a square that looked as if it came straight out of a 1950s sitcom or something. The stores still appeared to be mostly mom and pop places. I hadn't thought those stores were still around. We moved into a residential neighborhood, and I looked out the window rather than at Gavin. Rows of modest, but well-kept homes lined the streets.

He pulled into a driveway, and before I could even register we'd arrived, Molly had my door open.

"Becca!" I jumped down and let her pull me into a hug. I heard some light laughter and looked past Molly to find her husband.

"You must be Ben."

"Yes, and you must be Becca. It's nice to finally meet you." He smiled warmly, and I understood immediately what it was about him that appealed to Molly. He had such a genuine feel about him, like what you saw was what you got. I prided myself on being able to read people. Unfortunately, I couldn't read Gavin at all.

As soon as Molly released me, Ben went to help Gavin pull out my bags.

"Okay, now do you want to explain to me why you're with Gavin?" Molly asked.

"My car broke down."

"Old Faithful broke down? Never." She failed to suppress a smile as she spoke of my beat-up, old VW bug. I refused to give it up no matter how often parts broke. Of course, it had almost stranded me in the middle of nowhere. It might have been time to reconsider.

"And Gavin just happened to come up on you..."

"Come on, Mol, would I ever turn my back on a damsel in distress?" There was an edge to his words, and I didn't know how much of it was sarcasm and how much was hurt.

Molly brushed off his comment. "Well, thanks. Did you call for a tow truck or should I?"

"I'll take care of it."

"Thanks, man," Ben said politely. I knew there was no love lost between the two of them. Gavin hadn't been happy when Molly decided to make things permanent with Ben.

"All right. Good night then."

"Thanks." I realized I hadn't said it yet.

"You're welcome." He actually smiled at me before getting back in his dark green SUV. I'd originally thought it was black, but in the light I could see its true color. There was something genuine about the smile that made me wonder if the rudeness was just a knee jerk response.
