Your son or daughter has brought their new
partner to dinner, what can you say to make
this dinner as awkward as possible?.
Every time they do anything just pull out
a checklist and say “hmm” or suck air
in through your teeth.. villager hmmmmmmmm
instenfies
Which one are you again?
The one from school, the one from job, or
the one from the party?.
If we're being efficient, a simple I prefer
the redhead brunette blonde would work
You could do what my dad did to my sister
at Thanksgiving several years ago and imply
that her partner had a small duck because
they were having a girl.
We were all too stunned to say anything and
my mom filled in the silence by asking Would
anyone like some pumpkin pie?.
Wouldn’t that imply that your Dad has a
small duck too, since your parents had your
sister?
Wow.
You moved on pretty fast.
that's cruel.
That is very cruel
You've got to be subtle about it.
Too obvious, and they'll realise you're just
effing with them and laugh it off.
You've got to go for the deep existential
dread.
Ask them questions, and whatever they answer,
look slightly concerned and say 'Hmmm...'
Occasionally pull out a small notebook and
write down what they just said.
Ask them to repeat it to make sure you get
it perfectly.
Laugh out loud at things that obviously aren't
intended as jokes.
When no one else laughs, make them explain
the not-a-joke to the rest of the table.
Constantly ask them the same question several
times during the night, to implant the idea
that you might have some sort of dementia
-- which, of course, they're not going to
be in any position to directly ask you about.
Get their name right, but your child's name
wrong.
Take one look at the new partner, mutter 'Damn
it' to yourself, and then hand over a ten
dollar bill to your partner as though you
just lost a bet..
> Get their name right, but your child's name
wrong.
A few years ago I was at a large family&friends
gathering, hanging around with my sister and
her new boyfriend.
I kept introducing them like This is Jeff,
he's a friend of the family.
And this is his girlfriend.
Surely less handsome than the last one..
But I guess rebounds don't necessarily need
to be handsome
My Downs Syndrome sister used to ask every
female friend so when are you two getting
married?
Or are you guys going to have kids?
I never warned them this would happen because
the reactions were always hilarious.
God I love my sister.
My nephew did this to me after my girlfriend
at the time moved in.
Are you still a virgin.
My girlfriend’s grandmother did ask me this
the first night I met her.
“Are you a Virgin?
“Uhh” “Because if you are I would hop
ALL over that” - points at granddaughter.
Dress up in ridiculous costumes and act offended
oblivious if it’s mentioned..
Fursuit
My dad used to say, oh and what's your name?
He has so many I am never up to date...
They laughed it off to be fair.
Damn.
I felt that.
Just stare at them.
Don't say anything.
Make sure to maintain eye contact..
Also eat meanwhile.
Freaks me out every time..
Umm I'm not sure how to say this but that's
your brother.....
Really?
I thought it was my cousin!
When's the baby shower.
Happy cake day!
what are your dental hygiene habits (this
happened to me at a friends house, her dad
was a dentist, WORSE CONVERSATION OF MY LIFE).
Come here, lemme see your teeth
Actually saying nothing would be very awkward.
Not even trying to engage in conversation.
Haha.
Yes but only if you smile and act really non-verbally
polite the whole time
Out of all of us here, you are the only one
whose genitals havn't been inside my wife..
Okay this one's effing weird lol, I imagine
it being stated like Hey!
Did you know?
Cool right!
Talk like you just strutted out of the 80's-90's.
Bonus for dressing like it too..
I say I say I say I like you boah
tell her that my wife is hard of hearing while
she's out of the room and that she should
speak slowly and loudly as possible to her
at all times.
she also has a glass eye, DONT effIN STARE
AT IT
Oh hey, remember when we hooked up?.
Daughters Boyfriend: sir that was 3 years
ago in a parking lot when your wife was on
a work trip.
What’s a potato?.
Are you effing with us?
Going to bring this one to bed tonight?
Your father has purchased some new chains
Look confused and say to my kid “you told
me you were opposite sexuality. is this one
of them transganders?
Take off your clothes, lemme see
So how long have you been dating 10 year olds?.
I mean, I did once.
But I was 11 then sooooo.....
Throw my undercooked steak at the window thinking
it was open but it was just really clean so
the juices are just running down it.
[source] . This.
I don't have any children.
Who the eff are you guys?.
Perfect
When did you start liking .
I feel like this works even better if they're
already gay.
How was the first time you guys had sex?.
If a parent asked me that, I would tell them,
then ask them and their wife husband the same
question.
One boob accidentally peeping out.
Act like everything is ok..
I had a major faux pas like that, I sat through
the entire dinner and desert with my bf, his
dad, his teenage brother and his mother - with
both my tits out.
... I didn't realise until it was wayyyy too
late...
( I was wearing black gothy lace up stuff,
and the laces had come undone, but I didn't
know ><) smdh & still cringes
Look that young man (my daughter's new partner)
directly in the eye, say you knew his mother
and that she was 'the best piece of ass I've
ever had, and I've had them all', then quietly
return to your spaghetti Bolognese.
Edit: clarification.
oddly specific
Do you learn their names or just give them
numbers at this point?
So another victim going up on your head wall?.
Or ... Ask him to pay the bills.
My family has a game where they just try to
say peen as often as possible in conversation
or just yell it randomly.
Is your family name MiddleSchool
I thought about buying desert, but who needs
it when we can have you.. pulls out a knife
What's amazing to me is how many responses
are incest based.
No wonder pornhub figured it out!
First time meeting my now-husband's dad, he
asked me when we were alone in their family
barn (husband went to go grab something outside
the barn), so what do you think about life?
with the world's best poker face.
I honestly can't remember what asinine answer
I stuttered out (I am not good at answering
super open ended questions on the spot like
that), but to my response, he gave a slight
hmm and just walked away.
I was mortified.
He actually asked me that question again recently
when we came to visit and our relationship
is a lot more comfortable now and I just said
shut, I don't know which he laughed at and
said good answer.
I was so worried about making a good impression
the first time, but now I'm carrying his third
granddaughter and IDGAF.
Everything you do to her i do to you.
Gives her his entire bank account BIG BRAIN
TIME
Jump on the table, point a fork towards them
while holding it like a pitchfork, squat on
the table then headpat them.
Then say Who are you and how the hell did
you get in my house?.
You have to say it in a really soft voice,
like you would to a baby.
I bet your asshole is adorable.
Psychological warfare at its best
Oh hey, you look just 
like this woman I had a 
one night stand with right before I ended
up getting my kid's mom pregnant.
If you dislike their new partner: Bring up
the question of how they got together and
then, no mater what 
their reply: oh weren't you still with (ex)
(amount of time they've been together) ago?
Or alternatively insinuate that that the very
day they started dating was the same day as
when they broke up with their ex.
If you like their new partner: Embarrassing
childhood memories, loud exclamations with
similar tones to welcome to the family (extra
awkward if they haven't been together long),
and excessive inside jokes that need too much
explaining about things that set up the new
partner for three hour story times.
Glad to meet you, you know, we don't see many
black people around here..
So, are you on parole or something?
