Rimsky-Korsakov!
That was a reference to an advert for this. Allow me to explain!
So this is a bottle of Cresta, a popular soft drink from the 1970s in the U.K.
It was sold during the 70's and sort of... disappeared?... in the 80's, kind of?
But it did kind of exist, as far as I can understand, until after the year 2000. (Which was CRAZY!)
But, by the late 80s, it had pretty much faded away into obscurity.
And while Schweppes were (presumably) still making it, it wasn't such a thing anymore.
But it's Cresta Smooth. And do you know *why* it's smooth, friends?
Well, my understanding is: it wasn't fizzy, it was frothy.
'Cause it was noticeably thicker than other soft drinks!
That's a... [sigh]
That's a thing, isn't it? So it's had this kind of weird... 'semi-solid' thing when you were drinking it, presumably. All very odd!
Now, I've been attempting to date this bottle, but it kind of pre-dates the whole concept of 'Best Before:' dates, as far as I can understand.
And... yeah. I mean, the design of it is fairly early, we were thinking?
So, I've gone for forty-five years.
Now, I originally thought it was about thirty-five, forty, but after looking at much advertising (for that is what this was famous for)...
I have come to the conclusion, my friends, that, yeah, this predates to about 1974-ish, because...
...In 1976, they introduced a new flavor, Blackcurrant (whereas the original flavors included - obviously - pineapple and a couple of others)...
Um, and they'd changed the design of the bottles by then to feature a cartoon 'cool' polar bear! (With a pair of shades on, 'cause he's so cool!)
And he was, like, the advertising mascot. Some famous, very nicely animated adverts where he would appear and drink this...
And then go absolutely ballistic. (In one of them, he famously shouts "Rimsky-Korsakov!" And then loads of his friends do, as well, as soon as they drink it.)
Which makes no sense! (That person was a composer!)
But, yeah. Um. Very popular cartoon bear, so...
Appeared on all the packaging from about then onwards.
Also, it's only got about eight and a half fluid ounces!
And generally, by sort of 1975, they were adding metric or doing it only in metric for how much liquid was in your bottle.
[Hiss, groan]
But, yes. There we are. Yes. Cresta: mostly famous for a cartoon bear.
"It's frothy, man!" is what he would say, 'cause it's frothy.
And he was referring to you as "man", 'cause he was cool, and he was a polar bear wearing shades.
And yes, I am putting off drinking this.
So! [clears throat] I... I really wish I could remember who actually sent this in, 'cause maybe we could get more exact dates.
But we're going to go with about forty-five years. [Sarcastically:] Because I do love a bottle of soft drink older than I am!
Um, yeah. There's not a whole lot on there. (There wasn't, back in the Early Days.)
I remember more the Corona drink.
The Corona Man would come 'round your house and deliver it.
Seriously, like it was incredibly fizzy, sugary milk or something.
Very, very odd.
Not something that would really work these days.
Hell, people don't even get MILK delivered any more as a general rule, do they?
But, yeah. Cresta was just sold out and about.
(There's probably people watching this now that are thinking "Ah, this is giving me such a nostalgia hit.")
Soon it's going to be giving me a botulism hit, I presume!
So! Yeah, it's...
It... it's kind of... it's opaque! It's virtually opaque! It's really, really thick!
(They're not kidding when they say "it's frothy, man!")
Also, there's a lot of interesting stuff floating around in it.
I don't know if you can see that, but that's probably rot.
Is there any caught in the corners...? Oh. Oh, yeah! Look at that! Mmm-mmm!
That's what the sugar turns into over time!
Probably there's,I don't know, dead weevils in it or something, 'cause that's nice, isn't it?
It's almost a shame to open this, but open it we must.
So before we do, let's have a final look at it.
We've got Cresta Smooth written. We've got a lovely wave, "Pineapple Flavour"! (I hate pineapple-flavoured drinks.)
Minimum content, eight and a half fluid ounces. Made by Schweppes Limited, London. No deposit bottle!
Yep, you don't get any money back on that one.
And "no deposit, no return" on the cap.
'Cause getting money back on glass bottles Was A Thing up until about the point this was released, really.
Hence why they're keen on you knowing That's Not A Thing.
And it's giving you the Patent Number on there of the top, so that's good.
And also - I love it! - the registered trademark of Flavor-Lok®!
Do you think it's managed to lock the flavor in for forty-five years?
Well, I'm probably not going to ingest enough to find out, 'cause frankly, this could literally kill me, so I'm going to have a very small taste of it.
Well, let's be classy.
Let's get our wine out.
God, that really was on tight.
There we go, the Flavor-Lok® has been released.
I was gonna give it a shake before drinking it, but it's not supposed to have bits in!
Let's have a nice sniff.
Oooh. It smells of, uh...
[Assorted noises of disgust]
[Strained:] Oh. It doesn't smell good, guys! Whoa!
The initial smell was of medicine, then that was taken over by the smell of sewage!
So, erm.
[Sarcastically:] Yeah, really looking forward to this one!
Right, in we go.
I'm not drinking all of this, obviously. We're just doing this to get an impression of how it looks outside of the bottle.
Putting that down Very Carefully Indeed, so it doesn't go on the carpet.
Right. Ehm.
So, if your urine DOES look like this, you're probably massively irradiated and you've got serious infection problems.
So that's something to think about, isn't it? I'm going to have another nice sniff of it, hang on...
(I'm prepared, this time.)
(Oh my God.)
Yeah, this has got--
[Disgusted noise.]
It's like disinfectant and sewage got together and had a baby, and produced That Smell.
That really is astonishing.
Um...
Yeah. I mean, this... this is incredibly rotten, I would assume from that.
Oooh. Look inside the cap.
[More disgusted noises.]
There's THINGS growing in it.
Well, time to have a tiny, wee sip of it!
And then tell the people at home (that's you!) what it tastes like!
Augh! Fuck! Nope, nope, nope, NOPENOPENOPE!
[Incoherent noises of disgust, followed by coughing.]
[Sniffling, interspersed with the occasional "ugh!"]
[Light-hearted music]
Guys. It really wasn't good, guys, it really wasn't good!
I have never rinsed my mouth out with vodka so quickly in my life!
Oh, *wow*.
That was... d'you know what?
It tasted EXACTLY like it smelled!
A mixture of poisonous rot and some kind of bleach or something.
It was absolutely astonishing.
If you should happen to find a bottle of this, please. Guys, please don't down it all in one or something because you would probably literally die.
And, uh...
You don't want that happening.
I mean, yeah.
So, did it still taste of pineapple?
So, I mean, there was a major taste of rot, and there was a major taste of some sort of clinical enema agent or something...
But was there even a hint of pineapple left?
The answer, my friends, is no. Nope. I'm afraid Flavor-Lok® couldn't keep it in for the forty-five years needed
It's no longer frothy, man. It really isn't.
I nearly did shout "Rimsky-Korsakov!", but not in a positive sense.
Well! There we are.
Just, uh, get you a new desktop wallpaper for you there. Hang on.
Let's, uh, let's get that as close as possible...
Mmmm!
What is that floating in there?
Mankind should never know!
Anyway! BRING BACK QUATTRO!
[Heavily synth-based outro music, accompanied by a robotic voice saying "SUBSCRIBE FOR MORE"']
