

_**" This incredibly comprehensive book raises the most important questions of our time. If you are looking for inner growth and fulfillment, you should definitely read this book.** It points out the lack of authenticity and wisdom that prevents us from living our lives to the fullest._

_**The author approaches critical subjects in a conversational tone and delivers what can be best described a personal development course in the form of a book or a portable workshop.** This book is ideal for people who like to preserve their privacy (and their dignity) and hate having to talk to someone about their issues and shortcomings, but are serious about overcoming them._

_The goal of the book is not only to achieve certain feats but also to sustain them and experience growth holistically and continually. It is about the realizations and the actions which guide us on the path of living life in more effective and fruitful ways as individuals and as a species. The author provides guidance while sharing his own experiences in context. The ultimate goal, of course, is to feel consistently satisfied with oneself and one 's life, something that so many people today are sorely lacking"._

_~_ Katarina Nolte

Author of several books including: _100 Steps to a Lean Body_.

_" Daniel Petra's book is about his personal sharing and a comprehensive discussion of the tools available for those who are interested in their growth and transformation. Daniel uses his own journey and experience to inspire and educate us. Daniel really cares!"_

_~_ Herb Goldberg PhD

Co-Author of _Creative Aggression_ and Licensed Psychologist

### _**CREDITS**_

Writer | _Daniel Petra_

---|---

Editors | _Rosie Taylor_

|

_Ron Pouliotte_

Illustrations | _Rosie Taylor_

|

_Donald Turcotte_

|

_Daniel Petra_

Front and back cover | _Jensy White_

Graphics | _Daniel Petra_

|

_Rosie Taylor_

Proofreading | _Rosie Taylor_

470 S. Main St.

Brewer, ME 04412

is a member of the IBPA (the Independent Book Publishers Association)

### **MISSING LINKS**

PUBLISHING HISTORY

First edition published March 2014

_Missing Links_ (C) 2013 by _Daniel Petra_ ™

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in whole or in part, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or my any means: electronic, mechanical, or other, including photocopying or recording, without written permission from the publisher, except by a reviewer, who may quote brief passages in a review.

Cover design by Jensy White: www.jensywhite.com

ISBN: 978-0-615-74829-0

* * *

WE CLAIM THE FOLLOWING TRADEMARKS

Daniel Petra and lingoVision Inc. claim ownership of the following trademarks (TM)

www.danielpetra.com

## _AS ONE HUMAN BEING TO ANOTHER_

This book is sold with the understanding that the author is not offering any kind of medical, psychological, financial or professional advice. Absolutely no warranties or guaranties are expressed or implied. Neither the publisher nor the author shall be liable for any physical, psychological, emotional, financial, or commercial damages, including, but not limited to, special, incidental, consequential or other damages.

I would like you to keep in mind that in this book I don't share from the point of view of an expert or a professional. I share the tools and the processes that I practice and that have proven to be consistently successful for me. I do so as one human being to another. Please remember that what may work extremely well for somebody, may not work well at all for somebody else. We need to be realistic, reasonable and responsible. When making changes in our lives, in our habits and in our diets, it is wise to proceed slowly and gradually. We need to do so over a reasonably long period of time: months or years, rather than days or weeks.

I would also like to remind you that the statements in this book have not been reviewed or approved by medical authorities. I urge you to seek the help of therapists and professionals that you trust. I urge you to consult a professional health care practitioner, whenever you need to do so. In conclusion, I would like to urge you to please:

_" Take what you like and leave the rest."_

## _**Table of Contents and Repertory of Subjects**_

**_Part One_**

**_Chapter 1_** |  **_What is a Missing Link?_**  
---|---

SOME QUESTIONS

THE PURPOSE OF MISSING LINKS

**ESSENTIAL LINKS**

MISSING LINKS

THREE KINDS OF PEOPLE

THE PROCESS OF FORGIVENESS AND SELF-FORGIVENESS

**SOME OBSTACLES TO SELF-TRANSFORMATION**

TRYING TOO HARD

OUR INNER VOID

UNDER TOO MUCH PRESSURE?

EXCESSIVE EXPECTATIONS?

INFORMATION OVERLOAD

THE ABILITY TO THINK FOR OURSELVES

PERSONAL RE-ORGANIZATION (PRO)

**GETTING OUR PRIORITIES STRAIGHT**

SELF-AWARENESS AND SELF-FORGIVENESS

THE MOVIE IN REVERSE

**BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION**

THE POWER OF EXAMPLE (MENTORING)

WE TEACH WHAT WE NEED TO LEARN THE MOST

_**Chapter 2**_ |  _**Some Essential Links**_  
---|---

ESSENTIAL LINKS

THE PROCESS OF QUESTIONING

MISSING LINKS

THE ABSENCE OF ESSENTIAL LINKS

THE PROCESS OF PRIORITIZING

**SOME EXAMPLES OF MISSING LINKS**

MEMBERS OF THE 110 % CLUB, ANYONE?

PERFECTIONISM

TRYING TO DO TOO MUCH TOO SOON

OUR CAPACITY FOR GROWTH

**SOME USEFUL AND PRACTICAL TOOLS**

MINIMIZING THE DAMAGE (MTD)

**FORGIVING OUR MISTAKES**

INTERMEDIATE STAGES (I/S)

**BABY STEPS (B/S)**

HUMILITY

THE IMPORTANCE OF THE 1ST STEP

VALORIZING

THE COMPONENTS OF BABY STEPS

**SOME PRACTICAL EXAMPLES OF BABY STEPS**

DIARIZING

JOGGING

CHOPSTICKS

1 TO 3 MINUTES

**SALAMI SLICES (S/S)**

LOWERING OUR EXPECTATIONS

THE STAGES IN SALAMI SLICES (S/S)

A PRACTICAL SLOGAN

**THE PROCESS OF INCORPORATING**

RING-A-DINGIES

ONE DAY AT A TIME

THE CUT-OFF

_**Chapter 3**_ |  _**Synergistic and Complementary Concepts and Processes**_  
---|---

SYNERGISTIC?

**THE CONCEPT OF CONTINUUM (BAF)**

THE CONTINUUM SCALE

SOME PRACTICAL APPLICATIONS OF THE CONTINUUM SCALE

**NAVIGATING THE CONTINUUM : BACK AND FORTH (BAF)**

NAVIGATING (BAF) BETWEEN THE DESIRABLE AND THE POSSIBLE

TENDENCIES

THE PROCESS OF DECISION-MAKING

CRITICAL JUDGMENT IN ACTION

**THE CONCEPT OF PARADOX (OTO/OTO)**

SOME EXAMPLES OF PARADOX AT WORK

AMBIVALENCE AND COEXISTENCE

SOME PRACTICAL EXAMPLES OF LETTING GO

LOWERING OUR EXPECTATIONS

COMBAT SOLDIERS

INTIMATE RELATIONSHIPS

MY PERSONAL STORY

**ACCEPTING OUR LIMITATIONS**

LESS IS MORE!

THE APPARENT OPPOSITE: HOMEOPATHY

OPPOSITE AND COMPLEMENTARY

CREATIVE COEXISTENCE

TRUTHS ARE COMPLEMENTARY AND NOT EXCLUSIVE

LEARNING TO NAVIGATE BETWEEN PAIN AND PLEASURE

**THE PROCESS OF AMPLIFICATION**

THE WAY OUT IS THROUGH AND NOT AROUND

OUR CONTRACT

**THE ROLE OF DESPAIR**

BOTTOMING OUT

THE JELLINEK CURVE

**THE CONCEPT OF EMPOWERMENT**

UTILIZING OUR SELF-AWARENESS

THE REWARDS OF SYNERGISTIC CONCEPTS

EMPIRICAL AND EXPERIENTIAL

**_Chapter 4_** |  **_Multi-Faceted, Multi-Dimensional, Multi-Talented_**  
---|---

MULTI-FACETED

OUR FAIR SHARE

MULTI-DIMENSIONAL

MULTI-TALENTED

**OUR DANCE OF CREATIVITY**

THE EXTREME COMPLEXITY OF LIFE

THE PARADOX OF SIMPLICITY VERSUS COMPLEXITY

THE FEAR OF THE EXTREME COMPLEXITY OF LIFE

**A PROCESS OF INITIATION**

ROLE MODELING

OUR TOTAL SELF

THE MYTHOPOETIC MOVEMENT

INITIATING OUR CHILDREN

GROWING UP

GENERATIONAL WOUNDS

**" THE CONTINUUM CONCEPT"**

MY TOUCHSTONES

MY ESSENTIAL PRIORITIES

MY MISTAKES

**THE PROCESS OF PERSONAL RE -ORGANIZATION (PRO)**

GOALS OF OUR LIVES (GOL)

ESSENTIAL LINKS

**_Chapter 5_** |  **_Natural and Organic Processes_**  
---|---

WHAT IS A PROCESS?

HOLISTIC

HOLOGRAPHIC

NETI, NETI

COURSES OF ACTION

THE METAPHOR OF THE RIVER

**THE STAGES OF A PROCESS**

SELF-AWARENESS

OUR INTENT

PREPARATION

ORGANIZATION AND DECISIONS

ACTION(S)

IMPLEMENTATION

FEEDBACK, LESSONS AND CORRECTIONS

**THE PROCESS OF FORGIVENESS AND SELF-FORGIVENESS**

AN ACT OF THE HEART

REPETITION, REINFORCEMENT AND FOLLOW-UP

BLOCKAGES AND RESISTANCE

RESPECTING THE PROCESS

**NAVIGATING THE CONTINUUM (BAF)**

GOING WITH THE FLOW

SIMMERING AND PERCOLATING

OPENNESS AND CAPACITY

**THE PROCESS OF LAYERING AND CULTIVATING**

METAPHOR: THE MANY LAYERS OF ONION SKINS

METAPHOR: THE GARDENER CULTIVATING THE GARDEN

GIVING UP BAD HABITS

LOSING WEIGHT

THE PROCESS OF DEEPENING AND REINFORCING

THE PROCESS OF EXPANDING AND EVOLVING

PRACTICAL EXAMPLES OF LAYERING AND CULTIVATING

THE LEARNING PROCESS

**THE PROCESS OF INCORPORATING**

SOME TOOLS

AN IMAGE: LITTLE CHILDREN AT PLAY

RELATIONSHIPS AND BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION

THE CREATIVE PROCESS

THE TIME "IN BETWEEN"

**A PROCESS OF PROCESSES**

THE PROCESS OF LETTING GO

THE PROCESS OF ACCEPTANCE

THE PROCESS OF DECISION-MAKING

THE PROCESS OF TAKING RISKS

SOLID FOUNDATIONS

**_Part Two_**

**_Chapter 6_** |  **_Personal Re-Organization (PRO)_**  
---|---

THE TRUE PURPOSE OF OUR LIVES

OUR INNER VOID

**GETTING OUR PRIORITIES STRAIGHT**

FILLING OUR INNER VOID

THE SLOW MOVEMENT

TURNING AROUND

**DEEPENING AND EXPANDING SELF-AWARENESS**

MINIMIZING THE DAMAGE (MTD)

PLANNING AND PRIORITIZING

TAKING CONTROL OF OUR LIVES

THE YEAR IN REVIEW

THE PIE

THE NOT TO DO LIST

**THE PARADOX IN ACTION**

GOALS OF OUR LIVES (GOL)

A VISUALIZATION

THE ROLE OF DESPAIR

**MOTIVATION: WHERE TO FIND IT**

ENERGY: CAN WE RUN ON EMPTY?

OUR HEALTH: HOW PRECIOUS IS IT?

PRACTICING PREVENTION

THE HABIT OF DISCONNECTING

THE WONDERFUL BENEFITS OF SLEEP AND OF SIESTAS

OUR RELATIONSHIPS: HOW EMPOWERING ARE THEY?

**OUR RELATIONSHIPS AS A TEST OF OUR GROWTH**

COMMUNITY: WHERE IS MY EMOTIONAL VILLAGE?

NETWORKING

OUR EMOTIONAL VILLAGE

ESSENTIAL LINKS

**_Chapter 7_** |  **_Motivation: whatever lights your fire!_**  
---|---

A PARADOX

THE CIRCULARITY OF MOTIVATION

SOME QUESTIONS

SOME POSSIBLE ANSWERS

VEGETATING

**CREATIVE BEATING AROUND THE BUSH**

AN IMAGE: LIGHTING A FIRE

CREATIVE ESCAPE

THE PROCESS OF SUBLIMATION

**OUR DANCE (WITH OUR CREATIVE SUBCONSCIOUS AND WITH THE UNIVERSE)**

REVERSE PSYCHOLOGY

SIMMERING AND PERCOLATING

HONORING OUR CYCLES

EXCUSES

LOWERING OUR EXPECTATIONS

SMELLING THE FLOWERS ALONG THE WAY

SIMPLE PLEASURES

**ELIMINATING BAD HABITS AND INFLUENCES**

SHOP TILL YOU DROP?!

PASSIVE ACTIVITY VS. ACTIVE PASSIVITY

ARE OUR RELATIONSHIPS ENERGY BOOSTERS OR ENERGY SUCKERS?

**_Chapter 8_** |  **_The Many Sources of Motivation_**  
---|---

THE LUXURY OF CHOICES

DELAYING GRATIFICATION: A TYPICAL PARADOX

RAISING THE SPIRIT

THE TONIC OF ENTHUSIASM

**WHATEVER LIGHTS YOUR FIRE**

WHEN YOU ARE IN THE MOOD... DO IT!

ANOTHER PARADOX

LOVE AND OTHER FORMS OF RELIABLE MOTIVATION

**SELF-LOVE VERSUS SELF-ESTEEM**

ARE WE BEGGARS?

GENERATING SELF-LOVE

**SELF-LOVE + SELF-ESTEEM = SELF-WORTH**

UNSTRUCTURED TIME

THE FREEDOM TO BE DIFFERENT

BIODANZA

LIVING MY BOOKS

**_Chapter 9_** |  **_Energy: can we run on empty?_**  
---|---

FILL'ER UP... P-L-E-A-S-E!

WHERE TO FIND THE ENERGY

MAINTENANCE DIETS

**DELICIOUS , NUTRITIOUS AND SATISFYING!**

THE SECRET

BUT WHAT ABOUT CARBOHYDRATES?

HOW TO SATISFY OUR HUNGER

ENERGIZING DRINKS

**THE MAGIC OF COOKING**

RESISTANCE

PREVENTION

THE FREEDOM BAG

CREATING SUFFICIENT RESERVES

ADULT PACIFIERS

SOME BASIC DIETARY DO'S AND DON'TS

NERVOUS HUNGER

WARNING

A GIFT OF STEVIA

**REDUCING DIETS : A FEW SECRETS**

MINIMUM EXERCISE AND MAXIMUM FITNESS

REST AND RECUPERATION

S-L-O-O-O-W... D-O-W-N

**LEARNING TO GET RID OF GUILT**

CHEATING WITHOUT GUILT

LEARNING TO FORGIVE OURSELVES

**_Chapter 10_** |  **_R*I*S*H* = Responsible - Integrated - Self-Healing_**  
---|---

RESPONSIBLE

INTEGRATED

SELF-HEALING

SOME BASIC PRINCIPLES

EMPIRICAL, EXPERIENTIAL AND PRACTICAL

**BALANCING , REBALANCING AND UNBLOCKING**

PREVENTION

HONORING THE CYCLES AND THE SEASONS

DIGESTION AND ASSIMILATION

ELIMINATION

CLEANSING AND PURIFYING

INTESTINAL CLEANSING

THE PSYLLIUM SHAKE

A DIVERSIFIED ROTATION OF VITAMINS AND SUPPLEMENTS

**MOBILIZING OUR IMMUNE SYSTEM**

TANTRIC SHOWERS

STIMULATING THE ENDOCRINE (HORMONAL) SYSTEM

SELF-MASSAGE AND DAILY STRETCHING

VEGETARIAN SOURCES OF NATURAL PROTEIN

**SEMI -HEALTHY AND INTERMEDIATE STEPS**

THE PROCESS OF INCORPORATING

**_Part Three_**

**_Chapter 11_** |  **_Our Relationships: are they energy "suckers" or energy "boosters?"_**  
---|---

PERSONAL RE-ORGANIZATION (PRO)

GOALS OF OUR LIVES (GOL)

A FEW CRITICAL QUESTIONS

**OUR RELATIONSHIPS AS TESTS OF OUR TRUE SELVES**

CONFLICTS ARE INEVITABLE

ASSERTIVENESS

CREATIVE AGGRESSION

THE FEAR OF CHANGE

**DYSFUNCTIONAL \+ CODEPENDENT = TOXIC RELATIONSHIPS**

THE CONCEPT OF EMPOWERMENT

EMOTIONAL STARVATION: OUR INNER VOID

**(L ESS THAN ONE) PLUS (LESS THAN ONE) = A LOT LESS THAN TWO!**

THE VELCRO STAGE: TOO MUCH TOGETHERNESS

WOUND-TO-WOUND RELATIONSHIPS

THE STRUGGLE FOR INTIMACY

**IN LOVE OR IN LUST?**

PREVENTIVE MASTURBATION

THE REVOLVING DOOR OF RELATIONSHIPS

THE PURPOSE OF OUR RELATIONSHIPS

MUTUAL TRANSFORMATION AND EMPOWERMENT

THE WILLINGNESS TO HEAL TOGETHER

**THE WILLINGNESS TO FORGIVE**

FRIENDSHIP, LOVE AND SEX

ARE WE ABLE TO HAVE FUN TOGETHER?

BETTER ALONE THAN IN BAD COMPANY!

**_Chapter 12_** |  **_Obstacles to Healthy Relationships_**  
---|---

INITIAL OBSTACLES

POST-BAD RELATIONSHIP SYNDROME

PROJECTION AND UNREASONABLE EXPECTATIONS

POSSESSIVENESS AND JEALOUSY

**MANIPULATION AND GAMES OF CONTROL**

OUR BAGGAGE

THE ROLES OF CARETAKER AND OF SAVIOR

**THE ROLE OF VICTIM**

THE PROCESS OF QUESTIONING

HOW WE EXERCISE POWER

THE POWER CONTINUUM

POWER STRUGGLES

HIERARCHIES

**FAILURE TO NEGOTIATE POWER**

TOXIC RELATIONSHIPS

LOSING OUR IDENTITIES

**PASSIVE /AGGRESSIVE BEHAVIOR**

THE SICK ROLES WE PLAY

PSYCHODRAMA

THE SICK GAMES WE PLAY

GUILT-ING AND SHAME-ING

IS THERE ANY HOPE?

**_Chapter 13_** |  **_Our Emotional Brew_**  
---|---

THE FEAR OF OUR EMOTIONS

THE FEAR OF LOSING CONTROL OF OUR EMOTIONS

NAVIGATING (BAF) BETWEEN EXCITEMENT AND DEPRESSION

**A POSSIBLE CONTINUUM OF SOME OF OUR FEARS (ANXIETIES)**

AN IMAGE: OUR INNER MONSTER

EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

ANGER: A MOST ESSENTIAL AND NATURAL EMOTION

ONCE BURNED... TWICE SHY!

SELF-LOATHING

**TRANSFORMING OUR EMOTIONS**

THE PROCESS

SELF AWARENESS AND SELF-QUESTIONING

SELF-QUESTIONING

TRANSFORMING OUR INNER DIALOGUE (I/D)

ANTIDOTES

CONNECTING AND RECONNECTING

DIARIZING

THE EXTENDED PROCESS OF SELF-AWARENESS AND FORGIVENESS

SHARING AND SUPPORT GROUPS

**CREATIVE AGGRESSION**

SOME USEFUL EXERCISES

WARNING

BASEBALL BATS, AXES AND SLEDGEHAMMERS!

THE PROCESS OF AMPLIFICATION

ROLE PLAYS AND REHEARSALS

NO-DUMPING ZONES

**LEARNING TO NAVIGATE WITH OUR EMOTIONS**

OUR VOICE

LAUGHTER THERAPY

SEX AND ITS POWER

HEALING AND CELEBRATING OUR SEXUALITY TOGETHER

**_Chapter 14_** |  **_Beginning to Heal Our Relationships_**  
---|---

RENEGOTIATING EXISTING RELATIONSHIPS

NEGOTIATING NEW RELATIONSHIPS

HEALING TOGETHER?

A RELATIONSHIP DIARY

**SOCIAL SKILLS**

SHARING AND REQUESTING FEEDBACK

PERMISSION TO BE AUTHENTIC AND SPONTANEOUS

PERMISSION TO EXPRESS OUR NEEDS, DESIRES AND DREAMS

MUTUAL RESPECT

**THE VELCRO STAGE**

TOGETHERNESS AND SEPARATENESS

ESTABLISHING HEALTHY BOUNDARIES

SEMI-COMMITTED RELATIONSHIPS

MORE PRACTICAL TOOLS AND PROCESSES

NOT ACCEPTING EXCUSES

THE TIP OF THE ICEBERG

ASSERTIVENESS: LEVEL ONE

NON-VIOLENT COMMUNICATION (NVC): ISSUES NOT PERSONALITIES

**CONFLICT RESOLUTION : THE SIMPLIFIED FAIR FIGHT**

CHANGING PATTERNS INSTEAD OF BLAMING

CREATING A SAFE SPACE \- ROLE PLAYS & REHEARSALS

PILLOW FIGHTS: THEY WORK LIKE MAGIC!

MINIMIZING THE DAMAGE (MTD)

ACTING FROM OUR HEARTS

CORRECTING OURSELVES AND FORGIVING EACH OTHER

**DEVELOPING A COMMON GROUND AND SOME RITUALS**

OUR DREAMS: SEPARATELY AND TOGETHER

ARE WE HAVING FUN TOGETHER?

**THE RULES OF THE GAME**

POWER AND DECISION-MAKING

ACCEPTABLE COMPROMISES

DO WE NEED MORE DRAMA IN OUR RELATIONSHIPS?

SELF-AWARENESS

**CRISIS AND CONFLICTS**

LETTER-WRITING

WHAT I EXPECT IN AN INTIMATE RELATIONSHIP

EXPECTATIONS

SELF-TRANSFORMATION

**THE TOOLS AND THE PROCESSES**

SEX

AFFECTION

RESPECT

THE PROCESS OF ACCEPTANCE

ACTIVITIES AND PROJECTS IN COMMON

COMPANIONSHIP

ROMANCE

SUCCESS?!

**_Part Four_**

**_Chapter 15_** |  **_Our Emotional Village_**  
---|---

MY PATH: COLLABORATIVE \- CO-RESPONSIBLE \- CO-CREATIVE = (CO-CO-CO)

WHY IS IT EMOTIONAL?

**COMMUNITY BUILDING : SOME BASIC PRINCIPLES**

"THE CONTINUUM CONCEPT"

ESSENTIAL LINKS

SOME BASIC HUMAN NEEDS: PARENTING, NURTURING, MENTORING ETC.

WE NEED TO ASK FOR HELP

WE NEED TO FEEL NEEDED

**THE FEELING OF BELONGING**

HEART-TO-HEART

TOGETHER ITS MORE FUN!

SOCIAL SKILLS

**A VILLAGE OF ROLE MODELS**

HOW WE BEHAVE IN GROUPS

THE RULES OF THE GAME

SYNERGY AND THE CONCEPT OF EMPOWERMENT

INTERMEDIATE STAGES

FROM SPECTATORS TO PARTICIPANTS

**COMMUNITY BUILDING (CO-CO-CO)**

SUPPORT GROUPS

NETWORKING

A COLLECTIVE VISION

COHOUSING

A COLLABORATIVE HOUSING COMMUNITY

MY DREAM

**_Chapter 16_** |  **_Participatory and Collaborative_**  
---|---

PARTICIPATORY

INTERMEDIATE STEPS

WAYS IN WHICH TO PARTICIPATE

**WAYS IN WHICH TO COLLABORATE**

CO-AUTHORING

CONFERENCES, WORKSHOPS AND TRAINING

FEEDBACK

**_Chapter 17_** |  **_Universal Teachers_**  
---|---

WHO ARE THEY?

HOW TO MEET THEM

WHAT I HAVE LEARNED

GRATITUDE

**BENEFITTING FROM INSPIRING MOVIES**

MUSIC

MY INTERNET LIBRARY

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

YOUR FEEDBACK

## **_Part One_**

## _Chapter 1_

## _**What is a Missing Link?**_

### SOME QUESTIONS

Our universities are full of professors. Our libraries are spilling over with facts and information of every kind. Our laboratories, our offices and now even our homes contain an ever-increasing number of computers housing an ever-expanding quantity of knowledge. Yet, even with this incredibly vast amount of information and sophisticated technology available to us, have you ever wondered:

• Why so few of us enjoy radiant good health... well into old-age?

• Why so many of us are having trouble with our intimate relationships?

• Why so many of us still choose to play the role of victim?

• Why so many of us are still stuck in codependent relationships?

• Why so many of us are still suffering from self-defeating, addictive and obsessive/compulsive behaviors?

• Why so few of us are able to be spontaneous and authentic?

• Why so many of us are unable to develop our full potentials?

• Why so few of us are truly satisfied with our lives?

It would appear that we have much more knowledge than wisdom. In fact I believe that most of us lack the training and the experience to incorporate the knowledge we already have into our very busy lives, in ways that are **truly practical and effective**

### THE PURPOSE OF MISSING LINKS

### ESSENTIAL LINKS

"Essential Links" are the « skills, habits, faculties and processes » that we need to develop from childhood in order to become authentic, whole and complete human beings: human beings who are in touch with our own selves and who are emotionally connected to others. If we lack any of these Essential Links (skills, habits, faculties and processes) we start to become progressively and inevitably less human, and increasingly and relentlessly more robotized. We begin to experience growing resistance and increasing difficulty:

• In acquiring new skills.

• In acquiring healthy new habits and in getting rid of destructive ones.

• In enjoying healthy, happy and intimate relationships.

• In being able to feel truly happy and to have fun.

Please keep in mind that we may be very intelligent, creative and extremely well-educated; we may be rich, powerful, famous and hold extremely responsible positions. However all of that may not prevent us from carrying deep emotional "wounds" as I did and as my parents did. These "wounds" may continue to sabotage us and they may eventually render us dysfunctional and codependent. This is what happened to me and to many others.

### MISSING LINKS

"Missing Links" are some of the essential « skills, habits, faculties and processes » that we lack or that we have lost. In order to become once again authentic and complete human beings we need to reacquire them. By complete human beings, I mean individuals who are truly "empowered," happy, healthy, creative, prosperous and free. All of this implies wholeness, emotional maturity and connectedness.

Therefore, _Missing Links_ deals mainly with self-transformation and behavior modification. My specialty, and the main purpose of _Missing Links_ , is to show us how to Incorporate the knowledge and the tools that are already available (and a few more) into our lives in very practical and effective ways. Basically, I will show you how to incorporate these tools into your lives in a holistic and integrated fashion. Because most of us lead very busy lives, I will show you how to incorporate these tools by tiny "Baby Steps" (B/S) and in thin "Salami Slices" (S/S) of time... while we work, as we drive, as we shop, and as we play.

There is absolutely nothing speculative about _Missing Links_. Everything that I share is experiential, and has proved successful for myself and countless others over several decades. As we begin to apply the methods and the processes that I will share with you, we come to realize that we no longer need to be afraid of the complexity of life, or of the many challenges that we face.

### THREE KINDS OF PEOPLE

There are basically three kinds of people: those who are self-aware and self-correcting; those who are not; and those who would like to become self-aware and self-correcting, but are "stuck," as I used to be. It is these last ones whom I would like to help most of all.

### THE PROCESS OF FORGIVENESS AND SELF-FORGIVENESS

In my experience it is very difficult and practically futile to try to change and to transform ourselves without becoming able to be self-aware and self-correcting.

• In order to correct ourselves we need to be able to "let go" of anything that we need to "let go."

• Most especially we need to "let go" of guilt and of any need for self-punishing behavior.

• In order to "let go," we need to be able to forgive ourselves and to forgive others.

• Therefore, in order to be able to become self-aware and self-correcting, we need to develop the willingness and the ability to forgive ourselves and others.

Forgiveness and self-forgiveness are therefore Essential Links. I will elaborate further on forgiveness and self-forgiveness in Chapter 5.

### SOME OBSTACLES TO SELF-TRANSFORMATION

### TRYING TOO HARD

One of the reasons why most of us are unable to significantly change our behaviors and improve our lives is because we try too hard. Sooner or later, we become discouraged and we may give up altogether. Many of us have invested time and money in workshops that deal with various aspects of our lives, such as workshops on time management, behavior modification, relationships, psychodrama, Yoga, Tai Chi, etc. Even those of us who have taken part in really effective workshops are often unable to transfer into our terribly busy lives, the new healthy habits and skills that we have just learned.

All too many of us end up relapsing, sooner or later, even those who have attended twelve-step programs or other similar programs: programs such as anger management, Weight Watchers, Smoke Enders etc. One of my favorite examples is about trying to lose weight. There is an overabundance of books and programs available on the subjects of dieting and weight loss. As has happened with many others, I was able to lose weight consistently for six months or so, and then I would start to gain it all back... and some to boot. A few times I was even able to reach my goal-weight. Unfortunately, it seemed that a few hours after I had managed the great feat, I started to over-eat again. I was not able to stop over-eating and stay at my goal weight permanently until I started to practice the methods that I share in _Missing Links_.

### OUR INNER VOID

I was finally able to feel satisfied and full... even when I still had some room for more. Even more amazingly, I was eventually able to fill the emotional "Inner Void" that kept me consistently dissatisfied. It is absolutely wonderful to finally be able to enjoy a life in which I can feel thoroughly satisfied most of the time. I was, of course, not able to accomplish this by any instantaneous miracle. It took me far longer than I would have liked, partly because it took me a considerable period of time to put together all the pieces of the "puzzle." Fortunately, I am now able to share with you the methods that have worked so well for me and for countless others. Those who are ready to try will probably be able to accomplish what I did in a significantly shorter period of time.

### UNDER TOO MUCH PRESSURE?

One of the most de-humanizing characteristics of our modern societies is the degree to which so many of us are trapped in a state of almost constant **over-competitiveness**. This state of over-competitiveness tends to constantly build up pressure within us, and may be one of the main causes of stress, heart disease and many other chronic illnesses. Do we really need to compete with "Superman" or "Superwoman"?

### EXCESSIVE EXPECTATIONS?

I used to place on myself "enough weight to crush an elephant!" I learned to do this from my parents, who were both perfectionists and overachievers. I kept adding to my unrealistic and excessive expectations until I became so crushed by the weight that I felt almost totally paralyzed.

_" Less pressure... more pleasure."_

One of the best ways to get started along the road of self-transformation and behavior modification is to learn to minimize excess pressure and to welcome more pleasure into our lives. Instead of pushing ourselves to do more and more, why not try to "let go" a little bit and take some time to "smell the roses along the way." What good is all the money and power if we can never feel satisfied? Why not try to accept a little bit less "success," and learn to enjoy a little more "happiness" instead? One of the books that has made a huge difference in my life is one of Harold Kushner's best-sellers:

_When All You 've Ever Wanted Isn't Enough_

One of the most common ways of hurting ourselves and of deepening our "Inner Void" consists of not being satisfied with what we already have. Instead of being satisfied with what we have, many of us keep trying to accumulate more and more, and we don't know when or how to stop. A truth that is often repeated in the human potential movement is that:

_" There is great power in wanting what we already have."_

### INFORMATION OVERLOAD

Most of the information that we need for our self-transformation is already available. Unfortunately, most of us are far too busy or too tired to utilize them effectively and consistently on a daily basis. I believe that most of us are overwhelmed by the absolutely fantastic amount of news, information, and just plain trivia with which we are bombarded from all sides, day after day. Avalanche of information follows avalanche of information, to the point that most of us may no longer have the time, the energy or even the will to consciously discriminate between:

• Facts that may be useful to us, and facts that may be harmful or irrelevant.

• Facts that may be true and real, and facts that may be only fabrications.

• Facts that we may want to retain, and facts that we may want to eliminate.

Most of us have not been sufficiently trained to use our critical judgment to effectively screen, sort and analyze the avalanche of information by which we are constantly overwhelmed. In other words: we have much more knowledge than wisdom.

### THE ABILITY TO THINK FOR OURSELVES

Missing Links will help my readers to further develop their own **critical judgment** and their faculties. My readers will become able to better distinguish between what conformist society insists that "people and things" should be, and the way in which they **actually** do exist. We may be very intelligent, extremely well-educated and spectacularly successful in our work. However our critical judgment may not serve us well in other aspects of our lives, such as our health or our intimate relationships.

Deciding to make the effort to fully develop our own critical judgment and to apply it in **all** aspects of our lives can be a hard and painful process. It is, however, impossible to become fully human and authentic human beings without making the effort to do so. We all have to make some difficult decisions... sooner or later.

### PERSONAL RE-ORGANIZATION (PRO)

### GETTING OUR PRIORITIES STRAIGHT

Most of us work very hard in order to accumulate sufficient funds for a comfortable retirement. Some of us are unable to stop accumulating material possessions, or power or fame. Yet most of us never quite manage to feel thoroughly satisfied and secure. In spite of our efforts most of us are still left with a feeling of emptiness gnawing at us. This is what I call our "Inner Void."

It is probably true that the vast majority of us arrive at the age of retirement without ever having been able to discover what we really and truly want to do with our lives. I refer you to the works of Joseph Campbell and especially to the _The Power of Myth_ (which was made into a much acclaimed TV series).

To become able to change our priorities from doing what we have been doing (because society expects us to do it) to doing what we really, (... really) want to do, requires a minimum of self-awareness and forgiveness. What we need to do, in essence, is to find out what "lights our fire" and what makes our hearts "sing."

### SELF-AWARENESS AND SELF-FORGIVENESS

Before we begin the process of Personal Re-Organization (PRO), it would be best to find out what we really and truly want to do with the rest of our lives. To be able to do this, we need to develop a minimum of self-awareness and of self-forgiveness. As we have already seen, self-forgiveness is essential to our self-transformation. In order to know what we need to forgive in ourselves, we need to become aware of it. Self-forgiveness and self-awareness are therefore parallel, complementary and synergistic processes. Of course, some of us may already possess some tools of self-awareness and introspection, such as meditating, diarizing or doing a periodic examination of conscience. What we need to be able to do (... eventually), is to be able to practice self-awareness and self-forgiveness consistently, on a daily basis.

The single most important tool of personal self-transformation that I have ever had the good fortune to learn is what I call "the movie in reverse." If there is only one tool that I would like to pass on to others... this is the one! In my experience of several decades, "the movie in reverse" is the one tool that has opened more doors for me than any other. It has kept me consistently on the road of self-transformation and of evolution.

### THE MOVIE IN REVERSE

I learned to practice "the movie in reverse" by making it as easy as possible to do. I did not spend more than five to ten minutes a day on it. We may practice "the movie in reverse" either at the beginning or at the end of our day. We begin by rewinding the last twenty-four hours in our minds by using the following guidelines:

• We start from the present moment and we go back in time.

• We place ourselves in the role of observer or "witness."

• We try to avoid criticizing ourselves or celebrating any new insights.

• We try to observe any events, behaviors or interactions that have remained emotionally "imprinted" in our memories.

• Our purpose is to try to reinforce what we have done well and to learn from our mistakes, so that we may do a little better in the future.

• We do not try to write anything down until we have learned to **Incorporate** this "tool" into our daily lives.

Initially, I did not insist on trying to do it every day; once or twice a week would do. The real miracle happened for me once I became able to do this exercise every day, for two weeks in a row. It was then that I became capable of really noticing the patterns and behaviors with which I was hurting myself and others.

Eventually, I learned not to be as hard on myself as I used to be. I became able to forgive myself a little more, and I started to let go of some of my guilt "one brick at a time." If that was too hard, I tried to take away one "straw" from the load of guilt that my personal "camel" was carrying. The longer I practiced "the movie in reverse," the deeper I was able to get into the never-ending layers of the onion that make up my personality. Eventually, I learned to forgive myself a little better and a little more quickly.

### BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION

One of the basic secrets of self-transformation is that before we can change a self-defeating behavior, we need to learn to minimize its « gravity, intensity and frequency ». Another secret is that " **frequency is more effective than quantity**." In _Missing Links_ I share a series of simple but surprisingly effective tools, principles and processes by which we are able to transform our lives and our relationships. I will show how to **Incorporate** these tools into our busy daily lives as we work, as we drive, as we shop, and as we play.

The good news is that, not only are we going to be able to change our patterns and our behaviors, but that eventually we will be able to do so thoroughly and consistently. I have also discovered that we can heal almost everything in ourselves. The mediocre news is that this process is much more complex than we would like it to be and that, almost invariably, it takes longer than we expect. If the process is complex, it is only because as human beings, we are also quite complex. However we don't need to be afraid of this complexity, because we can learn to "ride" our own process of personal self-transformation, like a wave or a spiral. Once we learn to do that, we will be able to keep progressing along the spiral of our personal evolution... for as long as we like and as far as our capacity will allow.

### THE POWER OF EXAMPLE (MENTORING)

A few months after becoming sober in A.A. (Alcoholics Anonymous), I decided to attend a discussion group for the first time. Shortly after entering the room in which the meeting was being held, a big, jovial and enthusiastic fellow gave me a very powerful handshake and pronounced the following words which proved to be magic for me:

_" If I can do it, anybody can!"_

How right he was! As sick as I was (and I was very messed up indeed), I figured: "If anybody can, maybe, just maybe... is it possible that... even I can do it?" It was at least worth a try.

"If I can do it, anybody can!" These words, as far as I am concerned, encapsulate the essence of why the "power of example" works so well. I consider that learning by the power of example is therefore an Essential Link. Of course, this implies that we need to seek out healthy, empowering and inspiring role models and that (...eventually), we need to become effective role models and mentors for others.

### WE TEACH WHAT WE NEED TO LEARN THE MOST

I have myself been a cross-addicted, dysfunctional and codependent human being. I chose to suffer an incredible amount of pain in the role of victim for a surprisingly long time (as far too many of us have also chosen to do), before deciding to change.

I have tried to share with you only those lessons that I have myself been able to incorporate into my own life. These lessons have proven to be of significant and of lasting benefit to myself and to others. We often fail to read books that could have proven of great value to us, simply because they require too much work or effort. Often we become discouraged even before we really get started. It is for this reason that I have tried my best to make this book as easy, as playful and as entertaining as possible.

I will not ask you to do anything that may prove too difficult or too arduous. Most of us are, after all, very busy people who are frequently wishing for the 36-hour day. It is, therefore, often very hard for us to find the additional time, energy and motivation that are required to change old habits and incorporate new behaviors into our lives. I will not, for example, ask you to take any notes, or do any written exercises or participate in workshops, seminars or activities in which you are not already involved. If you are inclined to do so, and if you have enough energy and motivation, you may of course choose to do so. I will, however, caution you not to try too hard. Please remember that:

_" Frequency is more effective than quantity."_

When we succumb to the pressure to do "too much too soon," we usually become too tired and discouraged and, as often as not, we may end up quitting. So why not tell ourselves: "I will just sit back, relax and enjoy the experience." Please allow the contents of this book to penetrate and to percolate within you « gently, easily and effortlessly » over a sufficiently long period of time. After all, isn't it true that we are far more successful at accomplishing what we want to do when we are really motivated? When we are truly "cooking" and when there is "a song in our hearts"?

Therefore, whenever something from this book or elsewhere "pops up" in your mind and you are in the mood to do it, why not just let yourself go and try it? I have learned to try to do the minimum... but to do it, rather than to try too hard and risk becoming discouraged. There is absolutely nothing speculative or purely theoretical in this book. All the "tools" and all the processes that I share with you are empirical and experiential; they are natural and organic. I have successfully and consistently utilized and incorporated them in my life, as have countless others.

## _Chapter 2_

## _**Some Essential Links**_

### ESSENTIAL LINKS

An Essential Link is a skill, habit, faculty or a process that is essential to the well-being, the health, the creativity, the productivity and the happiness of an authentic human being. If any of these essential skills, habits, faculties or processes are missing (partially or completely) we are missing an essential part of ourselves. We are no longer whole and fully human.

Social skills and the ability to bond with others are, of course, essential for our happiness, both individually and as a group. These social skills have come to be known as "Emotional Intelligence." Daniel Goleman and others have analyzed, described and popularized them.

_Missing Links_ is full of "Essential Links" such as:

• Developing the capacity to correct and to transform ourselves.

• The willingness to make mistakes and to learn from them.

• The ability to think for ourselves and to cultivate critical judgment.

• Role modeling and mentoring.

• The willingness to ask for help.

• The willingness to develop self-worth.

• The willingness to love and to be loved.

• The capacity to change and to grow.

• The willingness to develop and to cultivate humility.

• Emotional and social intelligence.

• Any number of natural and organic processes such as:

  The process of self-awareness.

  The process of layering and cultivating.

  The process of simmering and percolating.

  The process of deepening and reinforcing.

  The process of incorporating.

  The process of amplification.

  The process of "letting go."

  The process of acceptance.

  The process of decision-making.

  The process of navigating the continuum (BAF).

  Forgiveness and self-forgiveness.

  Our dance of creativity.

  Etc.

Authentic human beings are extremely complex, multi-faceted and multi-dimensional creatures. To be fully human and authentic, we need to develop all of our faculties and processes in all essential aspects of our lives. What is essential for one human being may, however, not be essential for another. For example, what is essential to become a scientist may not be quite as essential to become an artist and vice versa.

### THE PROCESS OF QUESTIONING

Our natural curiosity is usually expressed and fulfilled in somewhat the same way as a curious child. As adults, we have the tendency, at times, to repress our curiosity and our desire to question. We may perhaps do so because we have become conditioned, at least partially, to think that being curious may not be polite. Society and what we call "civilization" have often caused us to repress our innate, natural and organic processes, and have had the tendency to de-humanize us, at least to some extent.

If we want to find out whether a faculty or a process is indeed an Essential Link, we may need to ask ourselves just how important this particular Link may be to us (as authentic human beings). Here are a few questions that could help us to decide which elements in our lives could be considered to be Essential Links:

• What difference could this make to my life, my health and my happiness?

• What difference could this make to my growth, to my creativity and to my freedom?

• What difference could this make to my work or to my ability to relate to others?

• What difference could this make to my ability to feel emotionally connected to my "Total Self," to others, to nature and to the universe?

• Can I **really** do without it?

• If I had the choice, would I really **want** to do without it?

• Can I find a substitute for it?

An Essential Link does not necessarily have to make an enormous difference in our lives all by itself. It does however need to be effective and consistent in its benefits to us. In other words, if it has helped us in the past, it must be able to do so in the future. If an Essential Link were to go missing, we would not be able to continue to grow and to develop fully in all the essential aspects of our lives, unless we could find an adequate substitute for it. A parallel could be that of vitamins. While all by itself the temporary absence of a vitamin from our body may not make an enormous difference to our well-being, the absence of it over the long term could render us ill. For example, in my own case, I cannot go for any significant period of time without taking a supplement of vitamin B-12.

### MISSING LINKS

I believe that most of us suffer from a more or less severe case of Missing Links and of de-humanization, myself included. The really good news is that by practicing the processes and by utilizing the "tools" that I share with you, I have been able to heal myself in all aspects of my life. I have not yet have been able to heal myself from some of my deepest wounds, however I have been able to heal to a degree that allows me:

• To enjoy radiant good health.

• To enjoy loving, intimate and empowering relationships.

• To be able to develop and to express my creative talents.

• To become truly happy, content and satisfied.

• To become able to realize my fondest dreams.

### THE ABSENCE OF ESSENTIAL LINKS

We may detect the presence of one or more Missing Links in somebody's life when we are dealing with people who, while extremely successful in their work, may have serious problems dealing with intimate relationships. Such people may be emotionally disconnected from their children or from others. We may detect Links that are missing when we are dealing with people who, while very rich in material possessions, may be poor in social skills. This may also be true of people who may be spiritually bereft or who may never feel truly satisfied, no matter how successful or how materially wealthy they become.

Generally speaking, the absence of Essential Links in our lives tends to dehumanize us. The more Links a person is missing, the more de-humanized that individual tends to become. People who have several Links missing usually tend to suffer from obsessive/compulsive behaviors. They may also suffer from more or less severe addictions. They also tend to be over-competitive or dysfunctional in their behavior and codependent in their relationships. The more Links we are missing, the greater our potential to encounter severe problems with our health, with our behavior as well as in our work and our relationships.

We may witness the absence of Essential Links, and the various degrees of de-humanization that they may cause, by watching the following movies:

• _The Aviator_ (about the life of Howard Hughes) starring Leonardo Di Caprio, Kate Blanchet & Co.

• _Smart People,_ starring Dennis Quaid, Sarah Jessica Parker, Ellen Page & Co.

• _Morning Glory,_ starring Rachel McAdams, Harrison Ford, Diane Keaton & Co.

• _The King 's Speech,_ starring Colin Firth, Geoffrey Rush, Helena B. Carter & Co.

### THE PROCESS OF PRIORITIZING.

There are some Essential Links that are more important and more universal than others because, without them, the others would not be as effective. In other words we have to learn to prioritize, and to find out which Essential Links are the most important for us. Some Essential Links may not apply to us because of our sex, age, vocation or physical state.

For example, getting sober and clean may be extremely important to alcoholics and addicts, and therefore, the tools required to do so may be essential for them. To acquire the habit of sobriety, alcoholics may need to learn to practice the strategy of "Minimizing The Damage" (MTD), the Process of Acceptance, and the tools of "Baby Steps" (B/S) and "Salami Slices" (S/S). They may need to learn to practice these "one day at a time," as I learned to do in Alcoholics Anonymous.

Certain issues may be more prevalent for women, such as feeling jealous of a younger and prettier rival, the fear of rape, the fear of physical abuse or the fear of losing one's charm or the ability to reproduce. For males, such fears or anxieties may not exist. However, males may have to deal with problems such as the relentless drive to succeed, the fear of castration or the fear of sexual inadequacy. Some of us may have to deal with the issues of over-competitiveness and work-a-holism. Others may have to deal with unresolved rage or with irrational feelings of jealousy toward a newborn son or daughter.

In each case, different Missing Links may be more important. Therefore, some Links become higher priorities for some, and represent lower priorities for others. I will share more on the process of prioritizing in the chapter on Personal Re-Organization (PRO).

### SOME EXAMPLES OF MISSING LINKS

### MEMBERS OF THE 110 % CLUB, ANYONE?

Many of us have heard all our lives that we must give our 110%, and that we must excel at what we try. If we don't excel - if we are not winners - we are failures. If we make mistakes or if we break something, it is not unusual to be either blamed or shamed by others, or to chastise ourselves mercilessly. I am not saying that we all do this, or that we do this all the time. But I would say that too many of us, all too often, have allowed ourselves to become the victims of others or of our own merciless self-flagellation. Generally speaking, we tend to be w-a-a-y too hard on ourselves!

### PERFECTIONISM

Perfectionism is another of the ways in which we manage to avoid feeling satisfied and content and by which we keep deepening our "Inner Void." For example, once we have achieved our goals or fulfilled our production targets, many of us make the mistake of using the remaining time to surpass our established goals. Instead of doing that, why not congratulate ourselves for having been able to achieve our goals early? We may utilize the remaining "free time" to do what we really want to do... or to try something new and different. For example, something that we used to enjoy doing as kids, such as drawing, painting or playing an instrument. How about dancing? I find that we miss far too many opportunities to dance!

After all, what are all the power and all the success worth if we are not happy in our own skins: if we are feeling lonely and unable to relax and to enjoy life? Why not try to learn to just "be" a little more and "do" a little less. We could, for example, reward ourselves by spending more time playing with our children, making love by candlelight, dancing in our kitchen, practicing our hobbies or taking care of our health. We could give ourselves permission to go for walks in the woods or along the seashore a little more often; we could allow ourselves to receive a massage, or share a hot-tub with someone we love.

I believe that we live in a shame-based society in which "Toxic Shame" has become the norm. I believe that perfectionism may be the result of Toxic Shame, guilt and low self-esteem. I believe that it is high time that, instead of being rewarded, perfectionism be acknowledged, faced and treated as a dysfunctional and self-defeating behavior. For more on this subject I refer you to the book _Healing the Shame that Binds You_ , by John Bradshaw.

I find that what usually pushes me to do "too much, too soon, too quickly," are either my own unrealistic expectations or my anxieties. What do you think will usually happen anyway, when we are making a task too difficult? Personally I have found that when somebody else makes a task too difficult, or tries to teach me something too quickly, I tend to get scared or confused. On several occasions, as a result of too much pressure, I have quite simply chosen to give up and to quit.

### TRYING TO DO TOO MUCH TOO SOON

In our increasingly technological and terribly busy societies, we are usually in a hurry. Most of us probably lead a life that is far too stressful for our own good. Because of the enormous pressures under which we labor, most of us have also become far more competitive and more aggressive than nature intended us to be. Therefore, when we finally make a major decision in regard to our personal self-transformation, we frequently try to do too much too soon. Whether we are conscious of it or not, many of us are members of " **the 110 % club**."

Doing too much too soon usually leads us to employ heroic efforts for a short period of time (six months or so). After six months we usually end up quitting because our efforts have proven to be too exhausting. For example, trying to do "too much too soon" could apply to our efforts to lose weight or to free ourselves from an addiction, compulsion or obsession. Or, it could simply apply to our frustrated attempts to become more effective in the way in which we manage our very limited and precious time. "Slowly but surely" usually ends up working better and, in the end, faster.

### OUR CAPACITY FOR GROWTH

The good news is that if you decide to try to put into practice the lessons that I am sharing with you in _Missing Links_ , slowly and progressively, easy step by easy step, you can change, grow and transform yourself into the human being that you really and truly want to become. I and countless others have already been able to do so.

Our progress will be limited only by our capacity for growth. This capacity varies from individual to individual. Some of us have the potential of going very far in this life, while others may be restricted by handicaps that may be physical, emotional, psychological, mental or spiritual. These could include such handicaps such as being crippled or maimed, being mentally or emotionally handicapped, having a tendency to be psychopathic, being limited by lack of faith, or by "bad Karma."

### SOME USEFUL AND PRACTICAL TOOLS

Usually I get stuck in my progress when I am trying to learn something which may be particularly difficult for me. This may be the case when trying to learn a new language, a new sport or any new and complex task or behavior. I find it even harder, and I get stuck even more quickly and more often, when I am trying to give up an old habit or an unwanted behavior. A behavior such as when I am trying to talk less or when I am trying to learn not to change others against their will.

### MINIMIZING THE DAMAGE (MTD)

As we have seen in Chapter 1, one of the basic secrets of self-transformation is that before we can change a self-defeating behavior, we need to learn to minimize « the gravity, the intensity and the frequency » of that behavior. Therefore, if we want to make some real progress, I have found that it is wiser not to swear that "I'll never do that again!" It is far more effective to try to accept that "yes," I will very probably make the same mistake again.

I finally became successful and consistent in my attempts to modify my behaviors by utilizing my imagination. In particular, by trying to visualize what I could do to reduce the severity of the same mistake by a **realistic** amount the next time it happened. For example, the next time that I eat "the whole thing" and feel like a beached whale. Rather than exclaiming in exasperation, "How could I have done that again!" and punishing myself with guilt, I could try to:

• Accept what I have just done to myself.

• Learn to forgive myself.

• Accept that, very probably, this will happen again and "contract" with myself to eat one less bite the next time.

• "Contract" with myself to take a break and lie down for twenty minutes, before going back for another portion.

• "Contract" to congratulate myself for even the tiniest bit of progress... no matter how microscopic.

• "Contract" with myself to learn to feel satisfied with less.

Learning to forgive ourselves, to lower our expectations and to become satisfied with doing less is not at all easy, especially in the beginning. We are confronted by resistance, by guilt and probably by toxic shame. All of this is "gnawing" at us from deep within ourselves (whether we are conscious of this or not).

Are you familiar with the expression, "Less is more?" which is so popular with actors? I have consistently made increasing and unstoppable progress when I have respected my "contract" and when I have honored the tiniest progress that I was ready to make. Metaphorically speaking:

_" Water the tiny seed... and it will grow into a mighty tree!"_

For example, we can congratulate ourselves when we take one less bite, wait a few minutes longer before ordering another drink or another portion, reduce the balance of our credit cards by 1%, arrive at work one minute earlier, wait one minute longer before talking, or take a breath before yelling at our children.

### FORGIVING OUR MISTAKES

When my daughter was still only about ten years old, I noticed that she became very upset whenever she made a mistake. I kept telling her: "It's all right, don't worry about it." Unfortunately, she did not seem to understand me and she continued to be very hard on herself. One day I decided to go to her room and I closed the door behind us. I sat down opposite her on the bed, and I asked her: "Do you know what happens to be one of the best ways to learn?" "No," she replied. "One of the best ways to learn is to learn from our own mistakes."

In other words, the more mistakes we make, the more we learn. "But do you know what the secret is, in trying to do so?" "No" she replied again. "The secret is that we must not be hard on ourselves. Instead, we may try to learn to be gentler and to try to forgive ourselves as quickly as we can." Eventually, my daughter chose to listen to me and, in very short order, she stopped getting upset by her mistakes and she actually learned to become much more playful.

One of the reasons why she was able to learn so quickly from me was that my daughter had me as a role model to follow. I tended to practice what I preached. Because both my parents tended to be perfectionists, it took me a lot longer to become able to practice self-forgiveness than it took my young daughter.

### INTERMEDIATE STAGES (I/S)

When facing a major new task or large project, good managers know how to slice them into easily digestible "Salami Slices" consisting of many smaller tasks and many Intermediate Stages. When we want to get rid of bad habits or change our behavior, we are usually confronted by subconscious resistance. To overcome our resistance, we need to do what good managers do. We need to learn to slice the tasks into small "Salami Slices" and to proceed by Intermediate Stages that will make our task less daunting.

I tried to quit smoking on several occasions without success. Eventually, I tried some intermediate stages such as smoking cigarettes with a much lower nicotine and tar content. Later, I added a disposable cigarette holder with a filter in it. After several years of trying and failing, I finally succeeded in quitting smoking permanently. In my case, this became possible only when I discovered a very satisfying and enjoyable way to proceed. This process involved getting rid of my guilt.

Another bad habit that I have is the habit of talking too much, especially in a group of people. I have been making steady progress in talking less and listening more. I've done so by waiting a minute or two longer before talking, and by trying to stop a minute or two before I used to. I have also continued to diarize most of the incidents, to ask for help from others and to forgive myself. More details on how to apply these strategies will appear in later chapters and in the books that will follow.

### BABY STEPS (B/S)

Babies and children are able to learn much more than adults and much more quickly. Their secret is "Baby Steps." Babies do not need to be taught how to make Baby Steps, however adults do. We may enjoy a good example of this by watching the movie _What about Bob_ , starring Bill Murray and Richard Dreyfuss. In the movie, a psychiatrist writes a new book called _Baby Steps_. He tries to teach his newest patient how to practice them. The results are quite hilarious and quite effective!

Most little children are naturally humble and they know instinctively that the best way to learn something is to turn it into a game and to find the fun of it, just like _Mary Poppins_ did in Walt Disney's famous movie. If we observe children trying to learn a new task, we may see that they know instinctively how to proceed by tiny steps. Because children can digest these small steps very readily, they can quickly proceed to the next step and so on. As a result they do not get "stuck" as easily as adults, and they proceed much faster. If children make mistakes or break things, they are not terribly upset. They know intuitively that there is a price to pay for learning new things. Children do not get embarrassed too easily, unless shamed by adults, and they are able to forgive themselves rather quickly.

### HUMILITY

For adults, trying to learn to apply Baby Steps requires at least a minimum of humility, which we can only acquire with practice. If we do have sufficient initial humility, or at least sufficient willingness and capacity to acquire it, we will be able to learn to practice Baby Steps. Conversely, if we are willing to learn to practice Baby Steps consistently, we will gradually be able to acquire more humility.

Please remember that there is a great difference between humility, which is a very much needed virtue, and being humiliated, which is not at all desirable. After all, isn't humility the ability to recognize the truth about ourselves in the most realistic way possible? Another reason why we may have problems may be because this process may be too painful for our over-sized adult egos. Try to remember just how many mistakes we used to make in the beginning, and just how much time it really took for us to become adequate or to excel at any task.

### THE IMPORTANCE OF THE 1ST STEP

Just as a voyage of a thousand miles starts with the first step, so does any task we try to undertake. This can be the case whether the task is simple or complex, familiar or brand new. Adults often need to "re-acquire" the ability and the humility to make that first step and to make it as small as necessary. Of course, this talent comes much more naturally to children. It is even more difficult for adults to practice humility, when the skill that we are trying to acquire is one which we failed to acquire when we were children. Skills such as riding a bicycle or learning to skate; playing an instrument such as the piano or the violin; learning to dance, sing or read music; learning to swim or to ski.

For some of us, trying to get rid of bad habits and learning to practice healthier ones may be even more difficult than learning new skills. To acquire bad habits, all it takes is laziness! To get rid of them, on the other hand, requires effort and a great deal of determination and discipline. We also may need a proportionately greater degree of humility. The good news is that, if we persist, we will eventually become able to apply our new skills with increasing consistency.

### VALORIZING

At first, trying to reduce tasks to Baby Steps may appear too simplistic or too easy. However, I would ask you not to dismiss them as irrelevant before having tried them at least once. After a few tries, you may discover, as I did, that this process may turn out to be surprisingly effective and rewarding. What is really effective is to learn to practice Baby Steps « slowly, gradually and progressively ». Rather than dismissing them as too easy, try to appreciate the true value of Baby steps by learning to "valorize" them. By valorizing, I mean to endow something with value, with meaning and with... power!

One way to valorize Baby Steps is by learning to "contract" to do them and to respect the contract: no matter how ridiculously small or simple the steps may appear to be. One way to respect the contract is by refraining from telling ourselves, "That was nothing... it was too easy!" If we do that, we risk erasing the value and the effectiveness of the entire process. Instead of doing that, I have found it far more effective to congratulate myself for having accomplished what I had set out to do. We need to do so, no matter how ridiculously small the steps or the progress may appear to be... at first. Why not learn to take Baby Steps instead of Giant Steps? Why not avoid perfectionism and make our expectations realistic?

Once again, wouldn't it be far more effective to follow the example of healthy and happy children and try to practice Baby Steps? Human beings learn best by repetition. It is far more effective to practice a little more often than to try to learn by heroic amounts in a short period of time. In other words, when I am trying to make progress or learn something new, my mantra has become:

_" Frequency is more effective than quantity."_

### THE COMPONENTS OF BABY STEPS

The following could be some of the stages and some of the components of "Baby Steps":

• Self-awareness.

• Humility.

• The willingness to accept our limitations.

• Forgiveness and self-forgiveness.

• Valorizing.

• Respecting our "Contract."

• Congratulations!

### SOME PRACTICAL EXAMPLES OF BABY STEPS

#### _diarizing_

For a writer like myself, my diaries contain the accumulated wealth of stories, experiences and ideas which I utilize every day to create my books. Several decades ago, when I first decided to keep a diary, I was met with an almost complete lack of success. I think that my own lack of progress was due to my unrealistic expectations and to my failure to take the time to find a good model to follow.

As long as I insisted on setting artificially pre-determined rules and unrealistic standards, I made no progress at all. The pages remained hopelessly blank. After several attempts with various systems, I finally managed to make progress. But I was only able to make significant and steady progress when I became ready to lower my standards. Eventually I also let go of unrealistic expectations and pre-determined rules. It only started to "happen" for me when I allowed the process to become more natural and spontaneous.

Eventually, I bought a small and flexible pocket book that fit easily into almost any pocket. I allowed myself to write down anything that I thought might be of interest to me (no matter how short or bizarre) as long as I found that it interested me "in the moment." I tried to "catch" any interesting thoughts that came into my mind and to capture any bits of spontaneous dialogue that I found particularly attractive. I did this in the way one would do when trying to catch fleeting butterflies with a net.

_" Small and easily digestible steps... while having fun!"_

Eventually I even allowed myself to write down individual words or sentences which I thought I needed to "capture" for future use. In other words I had finally succeeded in applying Baby Steps to the process of diarizing. I must confess that, at the time, I was probably not even consciously aware that I was practicing Baby Steps.

#### _jogging_

Learning how to jog has been a struggle for most of my life. I have been trying to become a jogger since I was a teenager and now, almost fifty years later, I am still having trouble with it, because of a serious case of lumbago. Because I used to practice a fair amount of competitive martial arts, jogging was very important in helping me to keep in shape. Once again, the main reason for failing to learn appears to have been trying to do "too much, too soon," and in this particular case... "too far."

On one of the first days of jogging, swimming or cycling, have you ever let yourself be carried away by the great feeling of well-being and power that you experienced?... only to wake up the next day, sore all over, having made the acquaintance with muscles that you never even knew you had?

Finally, out of desperation, I was humbled into accepting the concept of "micro-jogging": jogging only for very limited periods of time and mixing jogging with brisk walking. Initially, I would do no more than 10 to 15 minutes. As I got better, I allowed myself to increase to 20 and later to 30 minutes « slowly, gradually and progressively » over a period of months. Today I am quite happy if I can "squeeze in" a few minutes of jogging during my walks. I am happy even if I end up not having jogged for more than three or four minutes in total.

It would therefore appear that some of the essential components required in order to successfully practice Baby Steps include humility, the willingness to accept our limitations, and the capacity to learn to forgive ourselves more often and more readily. Not an easy task for adults, especially in our highly "civilized" and increasingly technological societies!

#### _chopsticks_

One of the first successes with Baby Steps happened more than three decades ago when I was dating the young woman who was to become my wife. She and I loved to have supper in Chinese restaurants. The problem was that I was determined to learn to use chopsticks, but I was experiencing a great deal of difficulty. Every time we went to a Chinese restaurant I asked the servers to show me how, and every time I was frustrated in my attempts.

My attempts at learning to use chopsticks continued to meet with failure, until the day when I had a bright idea. I could possibly try to use the chopsticks only for a minute or two at a time. I could later increase the duration gradually, as I accumulated more practice. What a concept?! This strategy eventually worked so well that I became an expert in the manipulation of chopsticks with both my right and my left hands.

#### _1 to 3 minutes_

When jogging was still too hard for me, I decided to try rebounding on a small round trampoline. As with many other similar activities, I have since discovered that even 1 to 3 minutes of rebounding resulted in great benefits. It was certainly better than not doing any at all! Whenever I tried too hard, I ended up being discouraged and I tended to quit... and to quit repeatedly. I was eventually able to made steady progress. I did so "only" when I became humble enough and wise enough to reduce my efforts to a degree that was realistic. Humility, wisdom and the acceptance of "relentless reality" seem to go well together!

### SALAMI SLICES (S/S)

When we are experiencing difficulty in learning a new task, it may be very useful to break them down into smaller and more manageable steps. We may try to slice up the job into thinner "Salami Slices" so that they may become more appetizing and easier to digest.

I have learned to apply these lessons especially to activities which I may find to be, at least initially, rather difficult and discouraging. I have successfully applied Salami Slices to activities which did not hold great interest for me. I also did so with routine activities such as paying my bills, filing, cleaning, or trying to catch up on my correspondence. I try to "slide" a few routine activities between activities which I enjoy doing. Having learned that frequency is more effective than quantity, I no longer push myself to do too many Salami Slices and I usually try to keep the periods short. When I am patient and realistic, the results are usually consistently encouraging.

When learning a new language such as Spanish or Portuguese or trying to master a new computer manual, I have been able to make consistent progress by limiting the time that I spend on each session. I try to limit the sessions to no more than 15 to 20 minutes. I have audios in my car dealing with languages and many other subjects and I play them as often as I need to, especially when I am "in the mood."

I have also successfully practiced Intermediate Stages (I/S), Baby Steps (B/S) and Salami Slices (S/S) when learning new and challenging sports or disciplines. I have done so with Karate, Ju Jitzu, kickboxing, snow-boarding and tennis. Baby Steps (B/S) mean that we try not to do too much. Salami Slices (S/S) may mean that we try not to proceed too fast. Alan Lakein, one of the grand-daddies of "time-management systems" and author of the best-seller _How to Get Control of Your Time and Your Life_ , calls this process "making holes in the Swiss cheese."

### LOWERING OUR EXPECTATIONS

Once again, learning more humility may involve having to lower our expectations. A good example of this was when I attended Yoga teacher training courses at a famous ashram. Somebody suggested that I take cold showers to strengthen my health and my immune system. One of the first thoughts that came to my mind was that of being able to stand under a cold shower, continuously, for ten minutes or longer. Of course this proved to be totally unrealistic! In real life I was only able to make progress when I allowed myself to try for a few seconds at a time, and then, only with water that was not ice-cold.

The willingness to lower our expectations in order to increase our performance is a very important example of a paradox that can work miracles in our daily lives. This is a paradox from which I, and countless others, have benefited greatly and consistently over the years. Lowering our expectations does not necessarily mean that we have to become less ambitious (although for some of us that would not be such a bad idea). What it does mean is that, by eliminating excessive pressure, we can find the energy and the motivation to realize what we really and truly need to accomplish. Another one of my mantras has become:

_" Less pressure... more pleasure!"_

### THE STAGES IN SALAMI SLICES (S/S)

The Stages in Salami Slices could be practiced as follows:

• Reducing the pressure and increasing the pleasure.

• Reducing a task to "digestible" slices.

• Working on the first slice.

• Working on the next slices.

• Reducing the quantity and increasing the frequency.

• "Sliding" a few digestible slices within other types of activities... activities that we may enjoy more.

• Setting realistic limits to the quantity and to the time.

• Forgiving ourselves and others, whenever we need to do so.

• Learning to quit before we become too discouraged or too tired.

• Making the process and the atmosphere as entertaining as possible.

I have come to believe that those who have become truly good managers are those of us who have been able to learn to reduce as many tasks as possible to "Salami Slices."

### A PRACTICAL SLOGAN

In my traumatized youth I contracted candidiasis. Because of candidiasis, which is a chronic disease, there have been times in my life when I suffered from prolonged periods of low energy and depression. At times, even a small amount of physical exercise could prove to be too much for me. In other words, I came to discover the importance of doing the minimum, rather than to try to do too much and risk becoming discouraged. Eventually, I learned to adopt a slogan that I have been using successfully for many years:

_" Do the minimum... but do it!"_

### THE PROCESS OF INCORPORATING

Putting into practice my mantra, " **Frequency is more effective than quantity** " has helped me to incorporate many good habits, behaviors and skills into my daily life. I am now able to do so with ever increasing success and consistency. This has eventually led me to develop what I call the Process of Incorporating, which has become one of my specialties. I will expand on this in greater detail in the chapter dedicated to describing processes and how they work.

Most of the knowledge, the tools, the skills and the processes that I teach are already well known. The libraries and the book stores are full of extremely useful material on personal self-transformation and behavior modification. Unfortunately most of us have difficulty **Incorporating** in our daily lives the new habits and skills that we wish to practice. This is especially true if we lead extremely demanding and busy lives.

### RING-A-DINGIES

On the one hand, I have not worn a watch for probably two decades. I try to create as much unstructured time as possible within the limitations of my very demanding life. On the other hand, my home is "booby-trapped" with timers. I call them "Ring-a-Dingies." There are Ring-a-Dingies in almost every room. I set them to ring at intervals of twenty minutes. Why? To help me to practice the process of Incorporating... all day long. I am a Yoga teacher. One of the fundamental principles of Yoga is that: "We are as young as our spine is flexible." So, every time one of my Ring-a-Dingies goes off, it reminds me to get up and to stretch; to move my neck and spine, and to do a few eye exercises. I do so to reduce stress and to prevent the accumulation of fatigue and of hidden tensions.

I am actually practicing this as I am writing these pages. At times I am so absorbed by the creative process that I would rather not get up. In cases like this I try to do at least one eye exercise and I reset the timer for another five or ten minutes. As a result I am still in the process of rejuvenating, year by year. This process began when I quit using alcohol more than thirty years ago. I may look a bit older because I have lost most of my hair and I have a few more wrinkles. However, my energy keeps increasing; my body is getting younger, my memory is improving and I am learning new "tricks" better and faster. My process of rejuvenation is verified every time I get tested.

### ONE DAY AT A TIME

One of the first and most important Essential Links that I discovered for myself was to become able to live "one day at a time." I learned to do this in A.A. (Alcoholics Anonymous) a few decades ago and it has served me extremely well ever since. My inability to live "one day at a time" was one of the reasons why such an outrageous amount of pressure kept accumulating inside me.

• Instead of trying to live in the present, I kept looking too far ahead, to whatever else I could possibly find to do.

• I kept worrying about just about everything: if there wasn't a crisis handy... I created one!

• I kept adding new projects to a list that was already far too long.

• I kept increasing my expectations, instead of lowering them.

• I kept accumulating responsibilities instead of delegating them.

• I kept denying my limitations and I kept driving myself mercilessly.

I kept adding more and more "bricks to my load," until there were enough of them "to crush an elephant!" My usual way to try to relieve the pressure was to get drunk.

### THE CUT-OFF

In my youth, I would often try to stay up all night trying to accomplish what I thought I had to do. Often, I ended up being too tired to accomplish what I wanted to do anyway. In addition, I even failed to get sufficient sleep. Consequently the following day was ruined as well! Eventually I was able to accept that if, by the end of the day, I had not accomplished all that I had wanted, I had to invoke the "cut-off." I had to learn to choose to get a good night's sleep and to put off, until the next day, what I had not been able to complete until then. I probably learned to utilize the "cut-off" out of sheer desperation.

## _Chapter 3_

## _**Synergistic and Complementary Concepts and Processes**_

### SYNERGISTIC?

Simply put, synergistic means that the total is greater than the sum of the component parts, and that the results that we may expect are greater than the input. All of the processes, concepts and tools that I share with you have the potential of being complementary and synergistic. Even when utilized separately, each one of these concepts may produce significant and even surprising results. For example, if we learn to use the concepts of continuum, paradox and empowerment, their combined effect on our lives will be far greater than our expectations, especially if we use these concepts in combination with the other tools that are available to us.

When utilized together, these synergistic concepts create a "chemistry" that makes them cook and "bubble over" with creative power: creative power which will allow us to find solutions and benefits that eluded us before. In this chapter, and in those that follow, I will share with you some of the concepts, tools and processes that constitute the foundation on which to build all the rest.

### THE CONCEPT OF CONTINUUM (BAF)

The concept of continuum means that in real life, things and people are rarely good or bad, terrific or terrible, ecstatic or catastrophic, black or white: usually, they lie somewhere in between. Most often things and life are in a state of constant flux « Back and Forth » (BAF), between extremes. Even though things and people may appear to be clearly defined and fixed, in reality they are rarely static and they usually exist in a state of constant movement and evolution. Some people and some things have a tendency toward the extremes, while for others the tendency may be more toward the middle. If we are willing to look in more depth, we can usually find out that it's not all:

RIGHT OR WRONG, BLACK OR WHITE, RICH OR POOR, FRIENDS OR FOES, WINNERS OR LOSERS, GOOD GUYS OR BAD GUYS, ETC.

We may discover that reality is fluid and is in constant motion between one extreme and the other. The state of harmony that so many of us find so desirable is not usually static, but is rather a state of dynamic evolution. In my experience even "The Power of Now," so wonderfully described in the material by Eckhart Tolle, is not static and immutable, but flows, ever so slowly, along a continuum of time and along a spiral of evolution. I refer you to the book _The Power of Now_ , by Eckhart Tolle.

Many of us tend to fool ourselves into believing that we either enjoy complete freedom or that we are almost totally captive: that we are totally right and that others are totally wrong, that we have complete control or that we are totally powerless, and so on. All too often I hear people say "We have to!" or "I had no choice!" The fact is that we have many more choices than we may dare imagine. The problem is that some of these choices may be difficult ones. Some decisions may even be painful, and others may require great effort and courage on our part. Changing is rarely easy, especially changing our own deeply held beliefs or our deeply entrenched patterns.

### THE CONTINUUM SCALE

The practical applications and the benefits of the continuum scale are almost limitless. They are particularly useful in making decisions and evaluations. I believe that if we are to take advantage of most of our potential, it is extremely important that we learn to understand the concept of continuum, and that we try to apply it more often, and to more aspects of our lives.

### SOME PRACTICAL APPLICATIONS OF THE CONTINUUM SCALE

Let us take our health as an example. Almost no one is completely sick or completely well; most of us are situated somewhere along the continuum scale, as we can see below.

### NAVIGATING THE CONTINUUM: BACK AND FORTH (BAF)

With practice we may learn to "navigate" the continuum, Back and Forth (BAF), more and more consciously; by doing this, we will be exercising and reinforcing our critical judgment. Just as with our memory, the more we exercise our critical judgment, the more proficient we become and the easier it gets! Whether we know it or not, most of us are almost constantly navigating the continuum.

### NAVIGATING (BAF) BETWEEN THE DESIRABLE AND THE POSSIBLE

A practical example of navigating Back and Forth (BAF) between the desirable and the possible can be found in our need to make compromises: for example, having to compromise between the time that we need to dedicate to earning a living, and the time that we can actually spend "at play." Most of us would like to have a lot more free time. In materially prosperous societies, "free time" may often become more precious than money.

I believe that it is better not to be too demanding in our relationships, whether with members of our families, with others or at work; I believe that we need to be careful and not push others too hard. Good managers know that if they keep pushing people too hard, the pressure will eventually become counter-productive. In my experience it is far more effective to motivate people by providing a pleasant and empowering environment and by offering appropriate rewards, than by trying to pressure them. This is how we may represent having to navigate the continuum between "too little" and "too much":

The same applies to being assertive of our own needs and protecting the boundaries that we have set in our relationships. We may choose to be too passive and risk not having our needs met, or we may choose to become too demanding. Navigating between the two is never an easy task, at least not for me.

### TENDENCIES

What I have discovered in my personal experience is that, rather than to waste my precious time quantifying and calculating to the last possible decimal, for practical purposes, it is far more important for me to be aware of the **tendencies**. Personally, I only quantify when it is absolutely necessary, as when paying a bill or when dealing with my investments.

To be able to concentrate on those areas and on those aspects of my life that I consider to be my priorities, I try not to spend a minute more than is absolutely necessary "counting my money." Rather than calculating my budget to the last penny, I find that it is more important for me to know whether I am respecting my budget or whether I am spending too much. To me, the important question is: "Is my tendency in the right direction or is it not?" If it is not, what can I do to correct myself or to correct the problem?

It has become far more important for me to be able to enjoy my life, in all its many creative and wondrous aspects (such as dancing and taking pleasure in nature), than to keep accumulating material possessions. It has also become increasingly important for me to take sufficient time to sleep, to rest and to allow myself to just "be" rather than to be always caught in a web of activities. Below is an illustration of learning to navigate the tendency between doing and being.

### THE PROCESS OF DECISION-MAKING

All of us have to make decisions every day of our lives. Some of these decisions may be very small and some may be quite easy; other decisions may be a lot more complex and more difficult to make. From time to time we may even have to make decisions that may have a crucial effect on our lives and on the lives of others. Actually, some decisions may be excruciatingly difficult to make, especially if they affect those we love. If we learn to navigate the continuum between the many alternatives and options that are available to us, we will very probably learn to make better decisions. The more decisions we make and the more consciously we make them, the better and the faster we will be able to make them... eventually.

Once I heard a story about the president of an American university who made a study of the mistakes made by the management and staff of his institution. He discovered that the one who made the greatest number of mistakes was himself. Why? Because he was the one who had to make the greatest number of decisions. It is only by allowing ourselves to make mistakes that we continue to learn and to grow.

Paradoxically, I believe that the more "necessary" mistakes we make, the more we will learn; of course, we do not have to make any more mistakes than are absolutely necessary. This is especially true when we are trying to learn something new or when we are dealing with areas of our lives that are particularly challenging. The good news is that if we are able and willing to learn, our mistakes will become smaller and our ability to make decisions will improve.

### CRITICAL JUDGMENT IN ACTION

I hope that one of the great benefits from reading my books will be that my readers will become able to exercise their critical judgment better and more often. By exercising our critical judgment more consistently and more consciously, we become more realistic and more effective. With increased practice, we may also become more responsible and more courageous in the decisions that we are able to make. Some decisions do require courage and, in my own experience, the best way to surmount our own fears is to face them and to deal with them... as soon as we are ready to do so. We need to learn to accept that:

_" The way out is through and not around."_

### THE CONCEPT OF PARADOX (OTO/OTO)

Another synergistic concept that I have found useful is the "Concept of Paradox," which can be extremely practical and rewarding, especially if we learn to apply it in our daily lives. Until now, the Concept of Paradox has been much better understood and applied in the East than in the West. One of the images that has helped me to apply paradox successfully in my daily life comes from the movie _Fiddler on the Roof_. In the movie there is a long musical sequence in which Tevye keeps saying: "On the one hand... on the other hand."

On The One hand (OTO) it could be so › On The Other hand (OTO) it may not be so. I therefore represent the process of paradox with the abbreviation "(OTO/OTO)." Here follow some variations on the theme:

### SOME EXAMPLES OF PARADOX AT WORK

### AMBIVALENCE AND COEXISTENCE

Ambivalence, for the purpose of my books, means that we need to learn to accept, for example, the coexistence of two or more emotions (love/hate); of two realities (repression/freedom); of two qualities (patience/audacity) or of two dogmas (Catholicism/Communism).

### SOME PRACTICAL EXAMPLES OF LETTING GO

The following could be some practical examples of the paradox of "letting go": gamblers who finally decide to accept their losses in order to break the cycle; investors who decide to stop throwing "good money after bad" in order to take advantage of more promising and less risky opportunities; the spouse who finds the courage to let go of a bad marriage; the employees who risk losing their jobs in order to protect their health, their dignity and their self-worth. We may witness a good example of workers who decide to assert themselves in the movie _Made in Dagenham_ , starring Sally Hawkins, Bob Hoskins & Co.

Let me illustrate the paradox of "letting go" with one of my own "laconic poems."

### _PARADOX_

_We need to let go,_

_in order to receive._

_We need to lose,_

_in order to gain._

_We need to give up,_

_in order to obtain._

_We need to resist,_

_in order to accept._

_We need to surrender,_

_in order to win._

_We need to die,_

_in order to be reborn._

_Most of all, we need to learn that:_

_sometimes this is true and sometimes that is true,_

_sometimes both and..._

_... sometimes neither._

Copyright (C) 2013 by Daniel Petra

### LOWERING OUR EXPECTATIONS

As we have seen in Chapter Two, the willingness to lower our expectations in order to increase our performance is a very important example of a paradox that can work miracles in our daily lives. Lowering our expectations does not necessarily mean that we have to become less ambitious (although for some of us that would not be such a bad idea). What it does mean is that, by eliminating excessive pressure, we become able to find the energy and the motivation to accomplish what we really and truly need to accomplish. One of our mottos could be:

_" When everything else fails... lower your standards."_

### COMBAT SOLDIERS

Another good example of paradox is the one faced by combat soldiers. On the one hand (OTO) in order not to be paralysed by fear, good soldiers may need to accept that they are already dead. On the other hand (OTO), responsible soldiers who want to be effective and of use to their comrades will do everything in their power to try to survive. When we allow ourselves to think about it, our daily "struggle" for survival and for self-transformation is not really that much different from that of a combat soldier. This is especially true when we have to deal with very hard moral issues or when we are trying to navigate our way through rush-hour traffic.

### INTIMATE RELATIONSHIPS

Over many decades and through many mistakes, I have learned that in my more intimate relationships I need to practice "love with detachment." Since love is often synonymous with emotional attachment, to love with detachment may appear to be quite paradoxical. In my personal experience and the experience of many others, love with detachment seems to work out a lot better when we try not to cling to others, and when we stop trying to be the "caretakers" or the "saviors" of those for whom we care a lot. We need to be able to care a lot, without becoming "caretakers."

Learning to navigate the continuum between loving "too much" or "not enough," has proven to be one of the major challenges of my life, as it has for many others. Below I reproduce a way in which we might try to represent this challenge on a continuum:

### MY PERSONAL STORY

One of the most deeply disturbing and panic-filled days of my life was the day following the separation from my wife. The previous day, I had gone for a walk down to the lake with my son, who was still a toddler. My daughter had been born only a few days earlier, and my wife had just come home from the hospital the day before. My wife and I had started to quarrel while she was still in the hospital. Since she had returned home, the conflict between us had been growing wider and deeper.

Once my little son and I reached the lake, I remember that the following thought went through my mind: "If things don't get any better between us, by the fall I will ask for a trial separation in order to give us the space to try and work things out." Things did not work out that way. My wife and I separated before the end of that day.

What happened? Looking back on it, I realize that this crisis had been building for at least a year. We were both people who had been deeply wounded and we simply did not know how to negotiate and work things out. This, in spite of the fact that we had both quit drinking and using mood-altering substances, and in spite of the fact that we were both very active in several twelve-step programs. As I became stronger, healthier and better able to assert myself, it became increasingly more difficult for me and for my wife to make decisions and to find a "common ground."

Beside the problem of control, there had been some fundamental problems that emerged early in our relationship, and which we had never been quite able to face or to correct. I used to think that having the knowledge, wisdom, support and the loving warmth of several twelve-step groups at our disposal, we would be able to overcome any of our problems. This was not to be.

Why was I not able to wait until the fall and ask for a trial separation? Because my self-worth could no longer tolerate the situation; it was stronger than me! What was different this time was that, instead of being driven by self-destructive forces (that wanted to punish and to destroy me), I was now driven by equally irresistible forces: forces that worked to empower me and that demanded that I acquire my freedom.

"Letting go" of my wife, letting go of our dream, and letting go of our family while my children were still so little, was probably the most difficult single event of my entire life. This was especially so because, at that time, I did not know when, and under what circumstances, I would have access to them again. Yet, had I not found the energy, the inner drive and the courage to "let go," I would not have been able to experience all the many wonderful, joyous and creative experiences which have filled my life ever since.

### ACCEPTING OUR LIMITATIONS

I used to have an almost insurmountable difficulty in accepting my limitations. I remember that when I was still in university, I used to see a psychotherapist who never stopped telling me: "You have to learn to accept your limitations." I had no idea what he was talking about! Why should I accept my limitations? It took me many more years, and a huge amount of suffering before I became desperate enough to accept help and to quit drinking. At age twenty eight, I fell into an alcoholic coma and I almost didn't come out of it!

An example of accepting our limitations could be that of entrepreneurs or artists who become willing to accept that they have limited time, energy and resources at their disposal. Eventually, they decide to focus their energy only on their most promising projects. Having done so, instead of squandering their precious time and energy in too many directions, they become able to make steady progress.

### LESS IS MORE!

"Less is more," is an excellent example of paradox and is a very well-known maxim in the theatre. Most really good actors have learned to underplay. It is the novices or the bad actors who tend to overplay. This also applies to good cooks. As my mother used to say: "We may always add, but it is far more difficult to take away!"

### THE APPARENT OPPOSITE: HOMEOPATHY

In homeopathy an infinitesimal quantity of a substance, usually so small as to be almost too difficult to detect, may produce quite substantial effects and is able to cure disease... usually with little or no side effects. One of the paradoxes of homeopathy is that while the same substance administered in infinitesimal quantities may produce beneficial effects, if the same substance were to be administered in larger doses it could produce illness and even poisoning.

### OPPOSITE AND COMPLEMENTARY

In the West, all too often, we are raised and trained to think in terms of opposites, whereas in the East people may understand the same processes or events as being complementary, as well as being opposites. For example, we don't need to think of the masculine and the feminine as being simply opposites, because they are also quite complementary. The same may be true about youth and old age. In my opinion, the "war of the generations" would come to an end if we thought more often about the generations as flowing on a continuum. We may try to remember that once, we were all just as young as our children; our children may try to accept that they are not immortal after all, and that one day they will be as old as we are. We may try to empathise a little more and criticize a little less.

Ideologies may often be quite complementary and they may coexist with relative ease. Good examples of this are "spaghetti communism," as has been practiced in some parts of Italy, and "goulash communism," as has been practiced in Hungary. China and Vietnam, for example, have adopted many capitalist practices and have become major competitors and trading partners with many capitalist countries. On the other hand, many fundamentally capitalist countries also practice socialist principles and have adopted welfare policies to protect most of their citizens. We may enjoy an excellent representation of this in the movie _The Power of One_ , about the fight for freedom from Apartheid in South Africa. The movie shows some very paradoxical examples of racial and ideological coexistence.

### CREATIVE COEXISTENCE

Medicine has become a predominantly scientific discipline. Yet, we have examples of countries in which western medicine coexists rather happily with naturopathy, homeopathy and traditional medicine. This is especially true in central and eastern Europe where there are many centers and spas where this has been the practice for decades. There, hydrotherapy, naturopathy and various forms of massage are very popular. We can see a very graphic example of this in the movie _The Unbearable Lightness of Being,_ which takes place in the former Czechoslovakia.

In the Americas, in countries such as Brazil, Peru and Mexico, native shamanic practices coexist quite happily with Western science-based medicine. Dogmas may also coexist quite peacefully and synergistically. Most Japanese, at least until WWII, practiced simultaneously both the Shinto and the Buddhist religions. In the Americas, in Mexico and in Peru for example, many people have learned to practice Catholicism without abandoning many of their native spiritual beliefs and practices.

### TRUTHS ARE COMPLEMENTARY AND NOT EXCLUSIVE

On the one hand (OTO) sometimes only one truth may apply, while On the other hand (OTO), sometimes several truths may apply. Sometimes one may apply and not the other. For example, on the one hand (OTO), Biodanza has become quite central in my life; I belong to a group of Biodanza and I take part in several workshops every year, some of which may be quite advanced and extremely demanding. Biodanza is an integrated system of dance and of movement therapy: it utilizes the power and the synergy of the group in order to heal and to transform ourselves. Biodanza can also feel like "poetry in motion" and is an absolutely marvelous way in which to celebrate ourselves and life through dance.

Central to Biodanza is the Biocentric principle which means that we need to have the greatest possible respect for life in all its infinite aspects; it also means that we try to utilize all that is already good, healthy and luminous in us to heal and to transform ourselves. We focus on enjoying pleasure to the fullest and we try to avoid pain and suffering as much as possible.

On the other hand (OTO), over the past decade I have also taken part in many sessions of Holotropic Breathwork, which has a definite tendency to amplify everything with which we need to deal in our Total Selves. It amplifies in order to heal: sometimes it is our pain that is amplified to the extreme and sometimes it is our pleasure. The results have been consistently healing and extremely effective for me. In my experience, in order to heal what has remained somatized and repressed in our Wounded Selves, we do need to connect to our pain with as much presence and consciousness as we are capable. By re-experiencing any past traumas in full consciousness, we are able to "vaporize" them and to heal them, to an extent to which we were not able to do before.

As far as I am concerned, I utilize **all the truths, all the principles** **and all the processes** that I have found healing and effective no matter from where they originate: whether from Biodanza, from Holotropic Breathwork or elsewhere, and whether they tend to focus on healing our pain or on maximizing our pleasure. I have learned to navigate quite well between many different and apparently contradictory truths, principles and processes, as well as between pain and pleasure. The more self-aware I become, the more I realize that the struggle between pain and pleasure is almost constant: below is an illustration of this.

### LEARNING TO NAVIGATE BETWEEN PAIN AND PLEASURE

### THE PROCESS OF AMPLIFICATION

_" The road to excess leads to the palace of wisdom...for we never know what is enough until we know what is more than enough."_

This is one of the famous "Proverbs of Hell" by immortal English poet William Blake (The _Marriage of Heaven and Hell_ ). This proverb is often quoted in the Mythopoetic movement, to which I belong, and it reflects quite faithfully the Process of Amplification which has become one of the most essential processes that I practice. The "Process of Amplification" is a process that is quite well known and that is accepted in many forms of therapy.

I have a natural tendency to go to excess. The good news is that eventually, I did learn to pull back from excess and to settle within a "space" that is more creative and more productive. I am glad to report that I have learned to "navigate the continuum" from excess to wisdom quite well.

I have, of course, practiced excess in all the areas of my life in which I have suffered from obsessive/compulsive behavior. I have done so with alcohol, tobacco, food, pharmaceuticals and just about anything that I could ingest or suck. I used to also have the bad habit of going to excess in my relationships: getting too excited; talking too much; being too demanding; being too invasive and, generally speaking, being "too much." I have also lost a lot of money on the stock market by over-trading, before learning to make money by under-trading and by being more prudent. It goes without saying that I have had a major tendency of taking too many risks, and that on several occasions I almost died.

### THE WAY OUT IS THROUGH AND NOT AROUND

Far too many people, including myself, have desperately tried to find "a way around" what we had been trying to avoid at all costs. Personally, I used to think that if I could "fix" my psychological problems, my drinking problem would disappear as well. Unfortunately, it turns out that the process works exactly the other way around. We need to first deal with our addictions and our obsessive/compulsive behaviors. Only after we have been able to deal with those, can we hope to make significant and consistent progress with our "psychological problems."

The process of self-transformation and of healing involves, almost invariably, the process of amplification. This process may, on the one hand (OTO), amplify any process in which we are already involved (whether extremely painful or quite wonderful) and bring it to a maximum peak. On the other hand (OTO), it may lead us into despair and into the process of bottoming out. In my experience and in the experience of countless others, there is no way to get around the process of amplification and all that it involves.

### OUR CONTRACT

Rather than criticize myself, I have learned to make a contract with myself in which I agree to congratulate myself even for the teeniest improvement, no matter how ridiculously small. The process of contracting is an essential one, and it requires that we become able to observe our tendencies and the patterns in which we are involved. Doing this involves self-awareness. It is also essential that we learn to start forgiving ourselves. As I found out, forgiving ourselves isn't easy. In our very competitive and perfectionistic societies, we are far more used to criticizing ourselves and others, than to forgiving.

As long as I am going in the right direction, I consider that I am doing very well. If I have made mistakes, instead of punishing myself with guilt, I have learned to forgive myself and to Minimize The Damage (MTD). I have learned that before we are able to switch from the wrong tendency to the right one, we usually have to "bottom out."

Over the years I have learned that, rather than criticize myself, it is essential that I congratulate myself for the "tiniest" progress that I am able to make. I have learned to congratulate myself even when my mistakes have become smaller. I have become able to congratulate myself even when I am able to reduce the damage that I have done, especially compared to the damage that I used to cause in the past.

### THE ROLE OF DESPAIR

In my experience, despair is almost invariably an essential element in forcing us to change what we do not want to change... especially within ourselves. In my experience (which is shared by many others), it would appear that despair is, more often than not, essential. Most of us are unable to change what we resist changing without becoming sufficiently desperate. Eventually, we may become sufficiently mature so as to no longer require despair. Eventually we may become sufficiently wise, so that we may learn from the mistakes of others. I will deal with the role of despair again in the next section of this book, which is dedicated to our Personal Re-Organization (PRO).

One of my closest collaborators, who is proofreading this book, has suggested that many of my readers may not be able to identify with the despair felt by addicts. Because my friend happens to be very wise and because he is extremely talented, I tend to listen to him very carefully. Despair and the process of "bottoming out" are, of course, situated on a continuum: what may constitute despair for one person may constitute only severe anxiety for somebody else. Whatever may cause somebody to "hit the wall" sufficiently hard to want to change, may not be sufficient for somebody else.

Most people suffer from some form of anxiety and pain. Every time I go into a supermarket I am struck by the fantastic amount of remedies and painkillers. It is fairly clear that there is a significant portion of humanity that is experiencing pain of some kind. Many are suffering from low-back pain, neck pain, arthritis, rheumatism or fibromyalgia. Others suffer from heart disease, cancer, or from problems with the liver or the pancreas. The list is practically endless.

Depending on how much and how often we are medicating ourselves, we will experience increasing difficulty in being able to fully experience our emotions. This is true not only about dealing with our pain, but also in dealing with anxiety and all the rest. One of the most immediate results of medicating ourselves, and of utilizing drugs and alcohol, is that we are interfering, more or less severely, with the process of emotional integration. In other words, we become, at least to some extent, disconnected from our emotional selves, as well as from other aspects of our Total Selves. This may be one of the reasons why we may not yet feel sufficiently desperate to "let go" and to change what we need to change in ourselves.

We can find a wonderful example of despair in the movie _The King 's Speech_, starring Colin Firth, Geoffrey Rush, Helena Bonham Carter & Co. The film shows how despair may provide the motivation that can finally drive us to seek the help that we need. I find that this movie is not only hugely entertaining and, at times quite hilarious, but that it also happens to be very practical. This movie illustrates quite vividly how unorthodox and, at times, quite surprising methods may bring about results that we may not have been able to obtain in any other way.

Trying to proceed too quickly and trying to find shortcuts, usually only ends up being a huge waste of time and energy. We usually have to "bottom out" before we start to make any consistent progress. The depth of the "bottom" that we need to reach, will vary from individual to individual, depending on our capacity and on our degree of readiness.

### BOTTOMING OUT

The process of "bottoming out" and turning ourselves around may include some of the following components:

• Developing sufficient self-awareness.

• Progressively overcoming our denial.

• Accepting our tendencies and our patterns.

• Minimizing the damage.

• Learning to congratulate ourselves.

• Agreeing to respect our contract.

• Learning to forgive ourselves and others a little more.

• Learning to be a little more patient.

• Learning to practice a little more humility.

• Starting to practice Baby Steps and Salami Slices.

### THE JELLINEK CURVE

I find it very useful to represent the process of "bottoming out" by utilizing the Jellinek curve. Dr. E.M. Jellinek was a famous medical pioneer in the research and treatment of alcoholism. He described the progression of alcoholism through several phases. These phases include the process of "bottoming out" and the process of turning around. Bottoming out begins to happen only once the alcoholic has become desperate enough to admit complete defeat and has become ready to seek help. I find this curve extremely useful, and I have found many useful and practical applications for it. See the illustration that follows.

### THE CONCEPT OF EMPOWERMENT

I have discovered that, for practical purposes, there are two basic "modes" that dominate our behavior. There are two basic complexes of attitudes which tend to determine the kind of people that we become: an Oppressive Complex of Attitudes and an Empowering Complex of Attitudes.

**An Oppressive Complex of Attitudes** may be composed of some or all, of the following attitudes, behaviors and characteristics:

Closed › Destructive › Hostile › Oppressive › Abusive › Punishing › Conflictual › Unjust › Discriminating › Restrictive › Exclusive › Censuring › Manipulative › Emotionally and sexually immature...

**An Empowering Complex of Attitudes** may be composed of some or all, of the following attitudes, behaviors and characteristics:

Open › Constructive › Friendly › Just › Fair › Permissive › Inclusive › Nurturing › Free › Creative › Respectful › Safe › Rewarding › Cooperative › Emotionally and sexually mature...

Copyright (C) 2013 by Daniel Petra

Of course, each of these complexes of attitudes and their components lie on a continuum scale. According to the concept of paradox, they may or may not be present at a certain time, or they may coexist quite happily.

### UTILIZING OUR SELF-AWARENESS

If we want to become truly authentic human beings, we will need to utilize those "tools" and those concepts that make us self-aware and self-correcting. To be able to correct our mistakes and improve our behaviors, we need to become increasingly self-aware. As we become increasingly self-aware, we need to examine ourselves and our behaviors more consistently. As we do so, we will be able to discover whether we are led mostly by a complex of attitudes that is oppressive or empowering.

If we believe that we are co-creators of our destinies, we may decide how we wish to behave and by which complex of attitudes we wish to be governed. We may want to choose to do so more and more consciously, and more and more often. If we choose to practice the "tools" and the processes that I share with you in this book, we will be able to be governed mainly by an empowering complex of attitudes. Once we arrive at this point in our lives, we will be able to feel that practically everything may be possible. We will be able to become happy, healthy, free and prosperous. We will feel deeply satisfied and fulfilled.

### THE REWARDS OF SYNERGISTIC CONCEPTS

As I stated at the beginning of this chapter, the combined effects of synergistic concepts on our lives will usually be far greater than our expectations. This may be especially true if we use these concepts in combination with other "tools" and processes that are available to us. Even when utilized and applied separately, each one of these concepts may produce beneficial and surprising results in any and all aspects of our lives. As far as I am concerned, the synergistic and complementary tools and processes that I share with you in this chapter are essential to our self-transformation. They are therefore Essential Links.

### EMPIRICAL AND EXPERIENTIAL

In the next section of this book, I will introduce you to the process that I have created and which I call **R*I*S*H* = Responsible, Integrated, Self-Healing**. This process, which is essentially empirical, experiential and most of all **practical** , integrates methods from many fields and from many disciplines.

There is little or nothing in my book that is theoretical or speculative. All the processes that I share with you reflect what has happened to me or to others in "real life." Everything that I share in this book has produced desired and beneficial results for myself or for others. This has been so even if, at first, we have had to go through the process of amplification or of "bottoming out." Even if things or symptoms got worse... before they got better.

For me, what is truly important is that whatever I practice be effective and practical; in other words, "If it works... don't fix it!" I try to "live my books" to the best of my abilities, and I have experienced everything that I have shared in my books. I want all those who meet me to be able to verify for themselves that I "walk my talk."

## _Chapter 4_

## _**Multi-Faceted, Multi-Dimensional, Multi-Talented**_

As Marlo Morgan keeps reminding us, directly or indirectly, in her novel _Mutant Message from Down-Under_ , human beings are extremely complex, multi-faceted and thoroughly fascinating creatures. Whether we are conscious of it or not, whether we accept it or not, each and every one of us is a multi-faceted, multi-dimensional, and multi-talented being.

### MULTI-FACETED

In my opinion, far too many of us choose to "over-concentrate" our energies on a limited few aspects and areas of our lives. We may tend to "over-concentrate" on accumulating material possessions, trying to alleviate our insecurities, trying to be successful or trying to please others. This appears to be particularly true of those of us who are extremely busy. Being so busy may leave precious little time for truly intimate relationships, for unstructured "play" or for truly creative activities.

Is it really necessary to "go for gold" at the Olympics or win a Nobel prize in order to feel content and satisfied with ourselves? Goal-oriented over-concentration usually only leads to a materialistic and elusive "success." This kind of elusive success fails to fill our bottomless emotional "Inner Void," no matter how hard we try. The obsessive over-concentration of our energies will not be able to satisfy our deeper human desires for affection, for warmth, for acceptance, for spontaneity and for real freedom. We can enjoy a very entertaining and inspiring example of this in the movie _You Can 't Take It With You_. This is one of Frank Capra's masterpieces, and one of my all-time favorites.

### OUR FAIR SHARE

I have discovered that those of us who are truly prosperous are not those of us who have the most money. The most satisfied are the ones who are satisfied with what they need, and perhaps a bit more... but not much more. Those who have real power are the ones who have the power to transform themselves into the human beings who they truly want to become. We need to be able to do so regardless of what others or "society" may think. I have discovered that those of us who are really free, are the ones who have placed limits on our cravings, our activities, our earthly ambitions and on our responsibilities. After all, are we really required to do any more than "our fair share"?

### MULTI-DIMENSIONAL

Multi-dimensional means that we may operate in more than one dimension simultaneously, whether we are conscious of it or not. We usually operate in dimensions that are energetic, physical, sexual, emotional, mental and psychic. I have been a Yoga teacher for more than twenty-five years. "Yoga" in Sanskrit means "the yoke" that helps us to bring all the aspects of our being together

We may also live and operate in conscious, subconscious, unconscious as well as "non-ordinary" states of consciousness. We are also endowed with a mostly masculine and a mostly feminine side, as reflected by the two hemispheres of our brains. In addition, we may enjoy the freedom to choose, more or less consciously, in which mode we may want to operate at any one time: adult, parent or child; dominant, submissive or equal; active or passive etc.

### MULTI-TALENTED

Most of us have been born naturally talented, not in just one or two aspects of our lives, but in many aspects. All we have to do to obtain confirmation of this is to observe some healthy and happy children left to play by themselves. If some of us appear to enjoy our talents only in limited areas of our lives, it is usually because we have allowed ourselves to be repressed, creatively as well as emotionally. In my case, I used to be very repressed as a teenager. When it came to dancing for example, I appeared to be hopeless, and even ridiculous. To show just how much we are able to change, over the past several decades, I have been active in several semi-professional dance groups. At the age of sixty, I was able to successfully lead groups in dancing!

We can verify the extent and the variety of the talents with which human beings are endowed, by examining the lives and the works of such greats as Leonardo da Vinci, Michelangelo or Benjamin Franklin. In more modern times, we have the example of Moshe Feldenkrais who was a scientist, an engineer, a writer, a world-renowned therapist and the first Judo black-belt in Europe. Another amazing example is Bob Dylan, one of the greatest singers and musicians of all time. Todd Haynes has made a great movie about the life of Bob Dylan entitled _I 'm Not There_. In order to do him justice, and in order to depict his evolution through the many phases of his extraordinary career, Todd Haynes had to resort to utilizing six different characters, including that of a woman.

Being multi-talented does not mean that we have to be endowed with spectacularly vast amounts of talent, or that we have to become rich and famous or win an Olympic gold medal or a Nobel Prize. Most children are able to draw, paint and make sculptures out of clay or sand. They are able to sing or play a simple instrument. The paintings that I value the most are not those that hang in national galleries but are those made by my children. Many of us are able to cook, to sew, to garden, to decorate our homes, to work with wood or are proficient at some other craft... at least to some extent. Some of us keep journals, write poetry or short stories, at least occasionally, while others prefer to take photographs or make home movies.

"Multi-talented" means that throughout our lives, we may continue to cultivate and to express our natural talents, in all those aspects of our lives in which we feel the need to do so. Please keep in mind that, whenever we stop utilizing any of our natural talents for a prolonged period of time, our talents will tend to atrophy, just like our muscles would. Just as it is true for muscles, if we wait too long in trying to regain the use of our talents, it may eventually become too hard and too late to do so. Far too many people who enjoy some obvious talent decide to wait until retirement to cultivate their talent, and end up losing it. The fact is that the poetry, the music, the inspiration and the "creative fire" may simply go out. We may never be able to rekindle "the fire"... if we wait too long.

### OUR DANCE OF CREATIVITY

As a writer, my creativity is extremely dependent on "receiving" a vast amount of inspiration. To improve my receptivity, I have developed a very deep and far-reaching relationship with my subconscious, my intuition and my psychic powers, such as they are. To cultivate and sustain my connection with my creative subconscious and with the universe, I practice an intricate web of activities, tasks and rituals. I practice these daily, weekly, seasonally or periodically. I do so in all the aspects of my Total Self which I consider to be essential to my life and to my work. I do this in order to develop, cultivate and expand all the aspects of my Total Self. I call this intricate web of activities and rituals my "Dance of Creativity."

"The dance" with my creative subconscious and with the universe includes diarizing almost all the significant aspects of my life in which I am currently active, including my dreams and my sex life. I take part, on a regular basis, in spiritual and esoteric rituals which help to develop my psychic and my healing powers. If I can find the time, I play one of my drums, even if only for a few minutes. It is through this daily and seasonal "dance" that I receive an almost continuous flow of ideas, inspiration and "images." It is this "Dance of Creativity" that feeds the totality of my being, that fuels my creative process and that keeps the "fire" of my motivation burning. I have been doing so for many years without the need for stimulants, drugs or artificial products of any kind.

This extremely complex web of activities and rituals may, at first, appear to be overwhelming or quite simply impossible. However, please keep in mind that I may only do a few minutes of some of these activities on a daily basis and that I may practice others only periodically or seasonally. For example, meditating with the full moon happens to be one of my more consistent periodic activities: sometimes I may spend several hours meditating with the full moon, sometimes only a few minutes.

### THE EXTREME COMPLEXITY OF LIFE

Because we are multi-faceted, multi-dimensional and multi-talented, humans are extremely complex beings. Each one of us consists of a "system of systems" comprising energetic, physical, sexual, emotional, mental and psychic dimensions. Our animal selves alone are complex beyond the full understanding of any single one of us. If you have any doubts about this, just think of how many years it takes to train a physician or any other specialist. Or think of all the disciplines, subjects, books, and audio-visual material that are contained in just one single library.

We often hear the mantra, "keep it simple." Yes indeed, it is a very good idea not to try to complicate a life that is already too complex to be fully comprehended. I know this only too well, because I have a natural tendency to complicate matters, at least initially. On the other hand, we should not feel obliged to reduce what is extremely complex to something artificially simple. Cutting off our arms and legs won't make us less complex: it will simply mutilate us! Cutting ourselves off from that which is too hard for us to comprehend won't make life or the universe any simpler. Doing so will only make us operate in a state of denial, and it will make us more ignorant than we need be.

### THE PARADOX OF SIMPLICITY VERSUS COMPLEXITY

The paradox of « simplicity versus complexity » may be illustrated by the act of meditating. Meditation slows down our entire system, lowers our metabolic rate, relaxes our bodies and quiets the waves of our mind. Meditation enables us to connect more readily to the totality of our inner being, and it allows us to "receive" better from our own subconscious and from the universe outside. Sometimes when we are in a deeply meditative or "non-ordinary" state, we may experience the feeling of union and of connectedness to the whole universe; we may experience a warm feeling of communion with the beings that inhabit our world and the entire universe.

In a deeply relaxed state we are often able to experience a feeling of peace and tranquillity that may be quite paradisiacal. At times like this we may feel that life is simple even though the universe may be infinite in its proportions and in its diversity. The paradox is this: On The One hand (OTO), each single experience of being in a deeply relaxed "non-ordinary state" may make us feel as if life has become suddenly much slower and much simpler. On The Other hand (OTO), the messages, images and inspiration that we may have received during these experiences, may be infinitely varied and deep. Their description might fill entire books.

Each meditation and each "journey" may deal with one or more aspects of ourselves, of humanity and of the universe. If I wanted to diarize in detail all my dreams or every experience that I have had while in a non-ordinary state, I would have little time left for work or for anything else. Years ago, as an experiment, I allowed myself to spend several hours each day just writing about my dreams and all that was inspired by them. My home is full of archives of my personal notes and diaries, most of which I will probably never have the time to read again.

### THE FEAR OF THE EXTREME COMPLEXITY OF LIFE

Many of the wisest people have stated: "The more I know, the more I need to learn." What I have come to realize over the years is that our lives, as well as the universe in which we operate, are so extremely complex that we may be frightened by this complexity. Indeed, I have come to believe that "the fear of complexity" is one of our least talked about fears (anxieties), and that it may be more widespread than we may imagine. Much of it is probably subconscious. What I hope to accomplish with my books is to help my readers overcome "the fear of complexity." I hope to accomplish this in several different ways. One way in which I hope to accomplish this, is by "initiating" my readers into becoming fluent in utilizing the « natural and organic processes » that I have learned to practice on a daily basis.

Simply put, one of the reasons why we do not have to be afraid of the extreme complexity of life and the universe is that we do not have to know where a process will lead us. Once we "get into" it, if a process is healthy, creative and natural, it will lead us to a "place" which is also healthy, creative and beneficial. Sometimes, the "lesson" of the process may be simply to let us know that this is not the right direction in which we need to go, at least not for now. Alternatively, the lesson may be that we need to be involved in some other process.

I believe that our lives consist of a never-ending series of processes: one process leads to another, and another to another. Our task is to learn how to utilize a process, and to give ourselves permission to "go with the flow." Eventually, with time and experience, we will learn how to "navigate" a process. Preferably we allow ourselves to enjoy the process and to have as much fun as possible along the way. We don't need to know where we are going, and we don't have to insist on where we are going. We are not obliged to know everything about ourselves, others, this world, or the universe. All that we need to know is that which is essential for us to know in order to accomplish what we are meant to accomplish in this lifetime. We do this one process at a time, one task at a time, one day at a time.

What I have learned by experience is that in order to be happy, healthy, creative and free, we need to learn to accept our limitations and concentrate only on what is essential. By doing so, someday we may become the human beings that we were truly meant to become. If we are able to accomplish what is essential for us to accomplish in this lifetime, this will be a great blessing; if not... it will be for another time or for somebody else to accomplish. It is also important that, along the way, we learn to enjoy the process and feel as much pleasure as possible. Once we learn how to do this, we will no longer need to suffer from the fear of complexity and... we will be able to have a lot more fun!

### A PROCESS OF INITIATION

There does not appear to be such a thing as an "operating manual to human beings," and quite frankly, I am glad that it does not exist: human beings are not machines. Because we are extremely complex, human beings learn how to operate themselves by the example of others and by a process of education and of Initiation. This process takes place over a period of many years. On all continents, before we became industrialized (and probably before we learned to write), aboriginal people used to undergo **a process of initiation**. Through this process of initiation they grew to be adult, mature, authentic and "whole" human beings.

In ancient times, in those cultures that were authentic, and respected and honored natural and organic processes, men and women were initiated separately. Men were taken to a special and secluded place where they were initiated from the time of adolescence until about the age of thirty-five or so. In such cultures, men were not allowed to marry and to start a family until they had been properly initiated into manhood « in all aspects of their lives ». This included their emotional and sexual selves.

Many of our ancestors of long ago considered that it was practically a crime to allow males to inhabit small huts with females until after they had been properly initiated in all the essential aspects of their lives. They were initiated not only in the arts and crafts that were essential for their survival, but also (and especially) emotionally, spiritually and sexually. We may have a glimpse of this process of male initiation (however simplified and telescoped) in the first episode of the television series _Roots_. It was based on the book by Alex Haley.

Like many others, I have chosen to go to the trouble to learn how to initiate myself into becoming "fully" human in all the essential aspects of my extremely complex Total Self. In the process of initiation I have personally benefited from the writings, the teachings, the example and the help of countless people. These were wonderful, amazing and surprising people who have chosen to make the effort to share their lives, their wisdom, their discoveries and their struggles with me.

### ROLE MODELING

We learn best by the power of example and by conscious or subconscious role modeling. Role modeling is one of the most essential of all the processes by which we learn, and by which we are initiated into becoming complete, mature and authentic human beings. Those who have shared their lives and their experiences with me are the role models on whom I have tried to model myself... more or less consciously.

Over my lifetime my role models have been innumerable (for better and for worse), and they have come from many different walks of life. They have been relatives, friends, teachers and colleagues. They have been people who have helped me and collaborated with me in twelve-step groups and in other types of self-help groups. They have been people with whom I have shared countless workshops and sessions of self-transformation. Sessions of Yoga, psychodrama, Martial Arts, Holotropic Breathwork, Chi Kung Biodanza, etc. They have been people in authority, and they have been peers and colleagues. They have been human beings of all ages, of all races and sexual orientations.

### OUR TOTAL SELF

Our "Total Self" is what I call the totality of what comprises our extremely complex and multi-faceted selves, as described earlier. I also refer to my Total Self when I am "receiving" messages, inspiration or direction intuitively, and I am not sure from which part of myself they originate. I also refer to my Total Self when I am experiencing feelings and emotions and I am not sure what is causing them or from which part of myself they originate. I may also refer to my Total Self at times when I am exhibiting unusual or disturbing behavior and I am not sure which part of myself happens to be "in charge."

### THE MYTHOPOETIC MOVEMENT

As I did not have the good fortune to undergo the process of initiation as our ancestors did, I had to find a way to be initiated when I was already an "adult." In our modern societies we have many "rites of passage" such as graduations or induction ceremonies at school, in university, at work, or in the armed forces. In our religions we have baptisms, communions, confirmations, consecrations, ordinations, Bar Mitzvahs, etc. A woman's first menstruation, a man's first shave, getting our driver's license and losing our virginity may also be considered "rites of passage." Usually, very few if any of us undergo a full process of initiation as such. Eventually I found many of my answers in the mythopoetic movement. This movement has been led by American poet Robert Bly, and often supported by others such as James Hillman, Michael Meade and Marion Woodman.

The mythopoetic movement derives much of its knowledge and inspiration from the encyclopedic and ground-breaking studies of Joseph Campbell. His many works include _The Hero with a Thousand Faces_ and _The Power of Myth_ ,(which was made into a much acclaimed TV series). Bly, Hillman and Meade have published an anthology of poems called _The Rag and Bone Shop of the Heart,_ which I strongly recommend.

The mythopoetic movement, which is mostly unstructured and has no formal membership, as far as I know, derives its name from the wide use it makes of poetry and myths. It started as a movement of men and it has evolved into a movement that includes both sexes. The mythopoetic movement now includes, and is informally led, by some famous women such as Jungian analyst Marion Woodman ( _Sitting by the Well, Dancing in the Flames_ ) and, I believe, Clarissa Pinkola Estes ( _Women Who Run with the Wolves, Warming the Stone Child_ ). She is one of the great story-tellers of our times. It is through this movement that I came to receive the guidance, the inspiration and many of the "tools" that have made it possible to re-initiate myself and to become a complete and authentic human being.

During a gathering of a mythopoetic group or of a similar group, the participants usually play drums and other instruments. They share stories, poetry and myths; they may dance and perform rituals; they may trade skills and share jokes. Quite often the participants may display behavior which is quite uninhibited, spontaneous and apparently wacky, "wild" or "crazy." This is always practiced in a safe space which is well supervised and where violence of any kind is not tolerated. Behavior that may be invasive or disrespectful of others is not encouraged or accepted. I was initiated into such a group of men many years ago following a ritual that was developed at the Esalen Institute. This ritual is called "The Hero's Journey," after Joseph Campbell's inspiring work. That initiation was definitely a pivotal and indelible experience in my life.

If you would like to get a "feel" of the adventure of a mythopoetic journey, or something close to it, I recommend that you view one or all of the following movies: _Dead Poet 's Society_ starring Robin Wiliams; _The Fisher King_ , starring Robin Williams and Jeff Bridges; _Zorba the Greek_ , starring Anthony Quinn, Alan Bates and Irene Papas; _O Brother Where Art Thou_ , starring George Clooney, John Turturro and Tim Blake Nelson; _Beautiful Dreamers_ , starring Colm Feore and Wendel Meldrum; _Cannery Row_ , starring Nick Nolte and Debra Winger; the French movie _Cyrano de Bergerac_ , starring Gerard Depardieu and Anne Brochet; the Mexican movie _Like Water for Chocolate_ (Como Agua para Chocolate).

### INITIATING OUR CHILDREN

If we wish our children to grow up and become fully human and authentic human beings we need to first re-humanize our own selves. To fully re-humanize ourselves we need to "grow through" the process of initiation as I and many others have learned to do. We are, after all, the exemplars and the role models on which our own children will model themselves. They will do so consciously and unconsciously.

I suffered emotional and sexual abuse in my childhood and I became a cross-addicted alcoholic. Therefore, by the time I became a father, I was far from whole and I carried several major "wounds" within myself. I was lucky that by the time my children were born I had been "clean and sober" for several years. I was active in several twelve-step groups and I was already a Yoga teacher. I decided to have children in a very conscious and planned way. I did not want my children to suffer what I had suffered. I questioned myself long and hard for several years before I came to the conclusion that "yes," I could be a good father and that having children would be good for me as well as for them. I did realize that we would have to sort of "grow up" together, because I still had a lot of healing and maturing to do.

On the one hand (OTO), my own parents were brilliant, multi-talented and very creative. On the other hand (OTO), they had both grown up in very dysfunctional and codependent families. My parents had both known poverty and abuse, and they had survived some extremely dangerous times. As a result, they did not have a real idea about what a "normal" life could be like or what it meant to be truly a authentic human being. When I was young, my parents and I lacked healthy, happy, mature and responsible role-models. Therefore, we tried to find our role models in some of the characters portrayed in the movies. Once I discovered the mythopoetic movement, I began the process of re-initiating myself as an authentic human being, as consciously as possible. I tried to find the healthiest and the most beneficial role models I could find, wherever I could find them.

### GROWING UP

My personal process of initiation into becoming an authentic and whole human being has so far taken several decades and is still going on. My children and I practically "grew up" together. I learned as much from my children as they did from me. Growing up with my children was of course a better deal for me than for them. I was the dominant figure, and as such I had disproportionate power. Therefore my children had to suffer from those unhealthy characteristics and bad habits from which I had not yet been able to divest myself. Habits such as being impatient or accumulating tension, stress and anger. I chose to express my anger inappropriately on many occasions. At that time I had not yet learned how to deal with my anger appropriately and effectively. Unfortunately, there were times when I simply "dumped" my anger on my children.

### GENERATIONAL WOUNDS

In the mythopoetic movement I learned that the wounds that we suffer, and which we do not heal, can travel down the line through the generations. Generational wounds may be transmitted genetically and they may also be transmitted from mother to child while the fetus is still in the womb. In my case, I was in my mother's womb at the end of WWII as my parents were fleeing their native country; they were never sure whether they would be alive from one day to the next. At that time my mother smoked and she was already an alcoholic. As a fetus I was imprinted (just like an extremely sensitive photographic plate) with the extreme tensions, very deep anxieties and real fears that my mother was experiencing at the time. On top of this I was also imprinted, to some extent, with whatever wounds my mother still carried from abuse and from any traumas that she had suffered earlier in her life.

Generational wounds may travel down the line for several generations, and these may be transmitted, subconsciously or unconsciously, not only from the mother but also from the father. These wounds - physical, emotional, sexual or psychic - may have been received not only from our families of origin but also by our ancestors. These may have been received in any of the wars or conflicts in which they may have been involved, directly or indirectly.

In Holotropic Breathwork I learned that if we are willing to reconnect ourselves to our wounds in full consciousness, and if we are able to endure the pain for a short while, we may be able to cleanse ourselves of these wounds. So far, I have been able to cleanse myself of many of the wounds that I have carried, except for the deepest ones, and on those I am continuing to make slow but steady progress.

### "THE CONTINUUM CONCEPT"

Jean Liedloff's book _The Continuum Concept_ , inspired by her observations of a small aboriginal tribe in the Amazon, has become a classic and deservedly so. Jean Liedloff's book has done much to change the way in which we parent and in which we deal with newborn babies and infants, both at home and in hospitals. Her book has touched the lives of countless people all over the world, and has been a continuing source of inspiration and guidance to me for many years.

In _The Continuum Concept_ , we discover the natural and organic processes that human beings require in order to grow up to be happy, healthy, sociable and cooperative. We may become such only by receiving the kind of affection and care that we all deserve. We need to be raised by loving and healthy role models, free from unnecessary criticism, free from guilt and free from artificial expectations.

Jean Liedloff found it remarkable that the children were constantly following the adults and not the other way around, as is more usual in our modern industrialized societies. The native children knew instinctively that the natural way to learn is by "role modeling" themselves after the adults. They knew, subconsciously, that it was their responsibility to learn as much as possible, and as steadily as possible, about life and about the skills that they would need in order to survive and become competent.

If we do not receive, from birth, the nurturing, affection, and care that we require, we become twisted and neurotic. If we do not benefit from the natural and organic process of "role modeling" and initiation that our Total Selves expect (in the deepest recesses of our beings), we are cut off from a significant portion of our humanity. We may grow up "crooked," developing beliefs and exhibiting behaviors that will lead us to become progressively de-humanized. We may develop into beings that have the capacity to endure and inflict on others a degree of pain, suffering, and even cruelty that defies comprehension. This is reflected in the catastrophic wars of the past centuries and in the atrocities that we continue to witness almost every time we turn on the news.

### MY TOUCHSTONES

The main reason why I am writing this current series of books is that, when I was a practicing alcoholic, my life was literally saved by a few key books. Those books were able to "touch" me during the last years of my alcoholism. At that time I was reduced to a vegetative state, almost unable to function. Since I sobered up, the books and other works which have helped and continue to help me, fill a vast audio-visual library in my home. Among those many works, there are a few that have guided me and inspired me at the deepest level of my being. These books continue to guide me as I am writing these very chapters, and they are my "touchstones." They are the touchstones to which I turn when I have any doubts or when I feel confused and I need to find my way again.

_The Continuum Concept_ is definitely one of these "touchstones" and so are M.S. Peck's _The Different Drum_ , Harold Kushner's _When All You 've Ever Wanted Isn't Enough_ and the series of audios: _Men and the Life of Desire_ , by Bly, Hillman and Meade.

### MY ESSENTIAL PRIORITIES

By the time my children were born, I had made the decision that the absolute top priorities in my life would be my self-transformation and the healing of my Total Self. My next priority was to be a good and an emotionally present father to my children. Everything else, including my work would have to come after. To maintain such priorities required that I sacrifice any ambitions about a career. Quite simply, at that time, I did not have sufficient energy for a career. This meant that I had to live on a limited budget and that I had to accept support from my family. Fortunately it was not a problem for my family to support me. I am very grateful that I was able to accept the limitations of having to live on a restricted income, without feeling humiliated or shamed by others. Was it worth it? Absolutely!

### MY MISTAKES

As all parents, I have made many mistakes with my children that I wish I had been able to avoid. I am now able to become aware of my mistakes more and more quickly and I am able to correct my mistakes with increasing ease, consistency and thoroughness. I am able to do so because of the tools and processes that I practice and that I share with you. Those mistakes which I have not been able to correct as yet, I am quite prepared to correct when the time is right and when my children will be ready to participate.

As most of us do, my children carry "generational wounds" as well as the wounds that they have received from me and from others. As a child, and for a great portion of my adult life, I chose to play the role of victim and to blame others for my problems. My son has also chosen to play the role of victim, and my mistakes have only amplified his problems and his wounds. He has been distancing himself from me for several years and, as painful as this may be, I have to accept this. My son and I are very much alike in many ways. He will probably need several years of growing up without his father in order to find himself and in order to become the human being that he truly wants to become. I miss my son more that words can say. I need to be patient and to practice "love with detachment" to an even greater degree than I have been able to practice it in the past.

### THE PROCESS OF PERSONAL RE-ORGANIZATION (PRO)

When I decided to become a father, I also decided to make some very difficult choices, in full consciousness and over a period of many months. Among the many painful decisions that I chose to make, were the decisions that led me to define what were to be my essential priorities. Eventually I also had to define the actions that I had to take in order to implement those priorities.

Basically, it is at that time that I set in motion what has evolved into what I call the process of Personal Re-Organization (PRO). I will deal with this process in much greater detail in the next section of this book. For now let me just say that one of the major decisions that I had to make at that time was to start to define what the true purpose of my life was to be. This purpose was to define my priorities and shape the lifestyle that I was going to lead. A lifestyle that was progressively, year after year, becoming more and more different from the one that my parents and most of my relatives had chosen to live. A lifestyle that was to become progressively more and more different from that of most of my contemporaries.

### GOALS OF OUR LIVES (GOL)

As seen earlier, it is probably true that the vast majority of us arrive at the age of retirement without ever having been able to discover what we really and truly want to do with our lives. I am therefore very glad that my life, with all its wounds and all its pain, has forced me to make the changes that I had to make. Eventually my life evolved sufficiently so that it allowed me to make some terribly difficult decisions, such as redefining the purpose and the goals of my life. I refer you once again to the works of Joseph Campbell.

Eventually, over a period of many years, I came to realize that my life had more than just one purpose: it was in fact composed of a few major missions and several essential projects. I also came to realize that to be able to achieve those missions and those projects, I had to set goals that were reasonable. I also had to decide on the processes that I was going to utilize. Eventually, I came to realize that it was not so much a question of trying to "achieve" these goals, as a question of trying to "aim" for these goals.

If a process in which I am involved is a healthy and a creative one, this process will lead me to a place which is also healthy and creative. Conversely, if the process in which I got myself involved is not a healthy and a creative one, I will end up in a place that is also not terribly healthy and creative. Therefore, in order to implement our goals, it is essential that we choose to do so by utilizing processes that are healthy and creative. I will elaborate further on the Goals of Our Lives (GOL) in the next section of this book.

### ESSENTIAL LINKS

This chapter is of course full of concepts and of processes that I consider to be Essential Links. Essential links such as our Dance of Creativity, the paradox of simplicity versus complexity, the process of Initiation, the process of Role Modeling, the Continuum Concept by Jean Leadloff, the process of Personal Re-Organization (PRO), Goals of our Lives (GOL) etc.

## _Chapter 5_

## _**Natural and Organic Processes**_

### WHAT IS A PROCESS?

In the preceding chapters I have mentioned processes frequently. Now may be a good time for us to try and get a better understanding of just what a process may or may not be. It is also a good time to discover the best ways to utilize processes and how to derive the greatest benefits from them.

• A process consists of a sequence of intertwined actions and events that evolve over time: it usually develops and evolves over time, in stages, steps and cycles.

• A process may be rational or intuitive, voluntary or imposed, natural or artificial, conscious, subconscious or unconscious.

• A process may or may not have a pre-determined goal; it may or may not need to reach a conclusion.

• Usually a process has a motion of its own, just like emotions. Sometimes a process may flow like a river or it may have a "Back And Forth" (BAF) motion like that of waves washing up on a beach.

• A process is usually not linear.

• A process evolves and flows along a spiraling and constantly unfolding continuum. By this I mean that a process is usually "circular and spiraling" in its development and progression.

• A process may evolve in ways that may appear paradoxical. Sometimes we may feel that we are regressing instead of progressing, and that things are getting worse instead of getting better. We may feel this in the short-term, even though in the longer-term, everything may be unfolding as it should.

• A process may possess an intelligence and a will of its own. A process may derive its power and wisdom not only from the Total Self of those who are directly involved in it, but also from the Collective Unconscious.

• Processes may be complex and multi-dimensional and they may reflect the extreme complexity of the universe and of human beings.

• If a process is creative and healthy, it will have results that will usually also be creative, healthy and beneficial. If it feels consistently good to us, a process usually leads to a desirable and rewarding outcome.

• I try to deal almost exclusively with organic, natural and human processes.

• A process is usually flexible and not rigid.

• A process may possess "circularity": the more we utilize a process the better we usually become at it › the better we become › the more motivated we become › the more motivated we become... the more we are likely to utilize it...

• A process may utilize one or more methods, tools or patterns.

• A process is usually holistic and holographic.

### HOLISTIC

In the simplest terms, "holistic" refers to a process that is connected to all of its component parts and that utilizes them all in a way that may, sometimes, appear to be paradoxical. By paradoxical, I mean that a process may use:

• Some of its components, only on some occasions.

• Other components on other occasions.

• All of its components simultaneously and synergistically.

### HOLOGRAPHIC

In the simplest terms, "holographic" means something that may reflect all of the aspects of which it is composed, as well as aspects of the universe outside of itself. In other words, it will also reflect all those aspects which it requires to operate in the most efficient, beneficial and creative way. Just as the whole may reflect all of its component parts, each component part may reflect the whole.

### NETI, NETI

Neti, neti is a mantra used in Yoga, and means "not this, not this" or "neither this, nor that." In Hinduism, from which Yoga originates, they try to explain the nature of Brahman or God the Creator by first attempting to rule out what Brahman is not. Neti, neti resembles the process of elimination utilized by investigators in trying to find answers, or by students trying to answer multiple-choice questions.

We may utilize this approach to try to further describe and explain what a natural, organic and creative process is and is not. For example we may state that:

• A process may or may not be rational.

• A process may or may not be controlled.

• A natural and organic process may or may not be predictable.

I am not talking only about scientific or administrative processes, which may be quite predictable. Personally, I prefer processes that are natural, organic and human, and I do not necessarily insist on an outcome. More and more often I allow myself to get involved in a process without having specific expectations.

### COURSES OF ACTION

In our lives we often utilize the expression "a course of action" to indicate a process that we may have to follow, such as a course of action to be taken when trying to achieve a specific goal. For example, in preparing to publish this series of books, I have recently sold my organic farm to move closer to the market-place. This operation was the equivalent of moving my home, my office and my cottage, all at the same time. Simultaneously I had to dispose of a vast quantity of agricultural equipment and other "stuff" that I had accumulated over the years.

This was a truly major move on my part, a very complex process indeed. This process required an almost incalculable number of decisions, actions and transactions, great and small, over a relatively short period of time. To be able to carry this operation out successfully, by the deadline that I had chosen, I had to decide on a "course of action" or, to be more exact, on a series of parallel "courses of action," that were necessary to achieve my goals.

Many years ago, my wife and I decided to separate and later to divorce. This process also involved a large amount of decisions and actions, great and small, over a period of several years. Raising our children also involved a series of decisions and actions, great and small, over a period of many years.

### THE METAPHOR OF THE RIVER

As we can see, courses of action flow just like rivers over a more or less prolonged period of time, and they may involve a large number of components, great and small. Below the surface, a river contains an almost unlimited number of drops of water, fish and tiny organisms. This, we may call the subconscious aspect of the metaphor. On its surface, a river may also contain aquatic plants as well as animals, logs, swimmers and boats. If there is a boat flowing over a river with a given destination, we may call this the conscious and purposeful aspect of the metaphor.

Just like a river, human processes flow over great "spaces," and they take a long time to develop and to reach their destinations or their conclusions. Just like a river, we may be conscious of certain aspects of our human processes, while we may not be conscious of some other aspects. Human processes tend to "flow" along a series of stages and they may require a vast number of steps. Usually I prefer not to insist on an outcome. Below are some of the stages of which a process may be composed, or along which a process may flow.

### THE STAGES OF A PROCESS

• Self-awareness.

• Intent and preparation.

• Organization and decisions.

• Action(s).

• Implementation.

• Feedback, lessons and corrections.

• Self-forgiveness.

• Repetition, reinforcement and follow-up.

Other stages may also exist, and each stage may contain several steps, some of which may apply to just one process in particular or to more than one process.

### SELF-AWARENESS

We can be part of a process even if we are unconscious of it. Every day of our lives, we are involved with and we participate in many processes, whether we are aware of them or not. They include biological processes like breathing and perspiring; physical processes like walking or sitting; mental processes such as thinking and fantasizing. They include processes relating to our work or to our relationships, such as feeling, listening and talking. We may, for example, be talking on the telephone while at the same time doodling on a piece of paper. We may be sitting in on a meeting that has been going on for too long and we may start fantasizing about our supper or about our lover. In my experience, the more conscious and self-aware we are able to be, the more powerful the process will become.

### OUR INTENT

We may not always be sufficiently aware of what our intent really is, or could be, even regarding some extremely important processes of our lives. Take money for example; let us ask ourselves the question: "Why do we need to make money?" You may say that the answer is obvious: to pay our bills. On the other hand, our intent could go a lot deeper and lot farther than that. Let us ask ourselves a few more questions such as: "How much money do I really, really need to spend?" "Just how expensive does my lifestyle really need to be?" "How much time do I want to dedicate to making money, and how much time to cultivate and develop other **essential** aspects of my life?" "Do I want to make as much money as possible or do I just want to make the money that I absolutely need?" "Who am I trying to satisfy: myself, my spouse, my children or others?"

### PREPARATION

Preparation may involve anything that we can do to make ourselves as ready as possible such as using our imagination, visualizing or brainstorming. We may practice any aspects of our "dance" with our creative subconscious and with the universe. In my creative process as a writer, I find that it is very helpful and extremely motivating for me to do anything that I can do in order to prepare a project, no matter how ridiculously small the steps and the actions may be.

These steps may include collecting some or all of the information and the files that I will require. They may involve cleaning my office. They may involve opening a new file on my computer or jotting down a few notes on a piece of paper. I usually find it very helpful to take a few minutes to create the briefest of outlines. If necessary, I write down a plan of action, as short as it may be. In order to keep it simple, I often choose to write lists or summaries on the backs of envelopes.

### ORGANIZATION AND DECISIONS

Organizing may include making all the choices, decisions and all the plans that we need to make, individually and collectively, to achieve our goals. Organizing may involve making a budget of our money, our energy and our resources; prioritizing our courses of action; selecting collaborators and associates and making alliances. Organizing may involve deciding the strategies and tactics that we intend to adopt. It may involve dealing with any other essential aspects of our projects or enterprises. I will go into much greater detail with all the above in Part Two of this book, which is dedicated to Personal Re-Organization (PRO).

### ACTION(S)

This stage involves any essential actions that may be necessary in order to implement the planning and the prioritizing that we have done in the previous stage. It may include several intermediate stages and steps. This stage may also involve any additional actions that we may deem necessary as the process unfolds.

### IMPLEMENTATION

Implementation refers to the way in which we apply and practice the skills, the methods, the processes and the lessons that we have learned. One of the most effective ways to implement our processes in our daily lives is by practicing the "Process of Incorporating." I will deal with this process in greater detail later and I will give examples of how to incorporate behaviors and skills.

### FEEDBACK, LESSONS AND CORRECTIONS

It has been one of the major goals of my life to become "self-aware and self-correcting." I believe that in order to become authentic human beings, we need to become able to accept the lessons that life "offers." We need to develop the ability to correct ourselves and our mistakes: this demands that we practice self-forgiveness, as well and as often as needed. It is, of course, not always easy to do this and it may, at times, even demand a lot of humility and a lot of courage on our part. Self-forgiveness may be essential in order to develop the willingness to accept our mistakes and the capacity to learn from the lessons that life has to offer.

We also need to be sufficiently sensitive and open in order to receive feedback from the environment and from the people around us. We need to be especially open and receptive to those who are essential to our lives and to our processes.

### THE PROCESS OF FORGIVENESS AND SELF-FORGIVENESS

In my experience it is very difficult and practically futile to try to change and to transform ourselves without becoming able to be self-aware and self-correcting.

• In order to correct ourselves we need to be able to "let go" of anything that we need to "let go."

• Most especially we need to "let go" of guilt and of any need for self-punishing behavior.

• In order to "let go," we need to be able to forgive ourselves and to forgive others.

• Therefore, in order to be able to become self-aware and self-correcting, we need to develop the willingness and the ability to forgive ourselves and others.

Forgiveness and self-forgiveness are therefore Essential Links. Every day of our lives, we need to adapt, we need to accept our mistakes and learn from the lessons that life has to offer. If we want to make self-transformation and behavior modification an essential part of our lives, we need to practice them every day, so that they become consistent. I call this the Process of Incorporating. Because self-forgiveness is essential to my self-transformation, it is a process that has become almost continuous. It has therefore become an integral part of my daily process of Incorporating. The more readily I am able to forgive myself the easier it is for me to change and to grow. Conversely, the more I resist the more difficult it is for me to change and to grow.

### AN ACT OF THE HEART

To forgive ourselves and others is an act of the heart. We need to learn to keep our hearts open, and to open them a little wider. If we want to be able to keep our hearts open a little wider and a little more often, we need to be able to protect ourselves. If we don't, it is inevitable that we will be hurt. It is difficult to try to keep our hearts open under most circumstances; it is almost impossible, for most of us, to do so when we have just been "hit."

### REPETITION, REINFORCEMENT AND FOLLOW-UP

We usually learn best by repetition and by reinforcement. This is how we become competent, how we acquire essential skills and how we accumulate experience. One of the secrets that I have learned which is worth reinforcing is that:

_" Frequency is more effective than quantity."_

In all major and significant areas of our lives, it is extremely beneficial for all concerned to follow up our actions and the feedback that we receive. We accomplish this by taking steps and making the modifications and corrections that are required from us. I have learned that after a class, a conference or workshop, it is usually a very good idea to reinforce and to follow up what I have learned by taking the next day off. I will use this day to have the time and the "space" to integrate and to start practicing what I have learned. I will also try to take any measures that are necessary in order to maximize my learning experience. If we are not able to take a full day, we may try to integrate into our daily lives by tiny Baby Steps (B/S) and in thin Salami Slices (S/S) of time over the next few days or weeks.

### BLOCKAGES AND RESISTANCE

There are many layers of blockages: energetic, physical, sexual, emotional, mental and psychic. Any and all blockages create resistance and place obstacles in the path of any process in which we may be involved. Of course, blockages are, more often than not, subconscious and even unconscious. These blockages, our anxieties and the hidden pain caused by our subconscious or unconscious "wounds," may cause resistance. This resistance may result in our need to procrastinate, to escape, and to avoid dealing with the most painful aspects of ourselves. The causes of resistance are many and constitute some of the major obstacles to healing and to growth. I will deal with resistance in much greater detail in my next books.

For now, let me just say that practicing self-awareness and self-forgiveness is usually the first step in dealing with resistance or with any blockages. We cannot deal with them, or with anything else for that matter, if we are not aware of their existence. In my experience it is very difficult to change and to make any progress if we are not willing to forgive ourselves and others. I have already shared with you in Chapter 1 how to apply "the movie in reverse." This is one of the most precious tools that I utilize. As we move along, I will share with you more about how to expand the process of self-awareness.

### RESPECTING THE PROCESS

In my experience, if we wish to derive the greatest benefit from any given process, we need to allow ourselves to "let go" and have the wisdom and courage to abandon ourselves to the process. We need to allow ourselves to be led where we truly need to go. What I am trying to say is that it is not a good idea to try to control a process. In my experience, it is much better to "go with the flow" and to try to enjoy the process as much as possible.

It is usually wise to intervene in the natural motion and rhythm of a process as little as possible. When a process becomes too uncomfortable or too wild, when it starts to feel that instead of flowing down a river we are "riding a bronco bull," we may try to "manage" a process. We may do this by trying to reduce its wildness and its intensity; we may try to smooth out the peaks and the valleys.

### NAVIGATING THE CONTINUUM (BAF)

We may try to apply to metaphor of the river to our daily lives. We need to learn to navigate the continuum between being able to abandon ourselves to a process (more or less completely) and being able to manage the extremes (so as not to lose too much control). The fear of loss of control is, of course, one of our greatest and deepest fears. Navigating the continuum usually consists of a Back And Forth (BAF) motion between opposing and complementary forces, pressures and demands. This may feel like the motion of waves washing on the beach.

### GOING WITH THE FLOW

We often hear the expression "going with the flow." Some people like to encourage us to go with the flow; a bit like the hippies tended to do back in the 60s. Going with the flow may, in fact, not be quite that easy to do. This may be especially true when we need to deal with the demands and practical constraints of our daily lives: when we are under stress and the pressures starts to mount. The fact is that we are all driven, at least to some extent, by our deepest fears (anxieties) and by our insecurities. As we learn to navigate the continuum of a process (Back and Forth), we need to exercise common sense and we need to be as realistic, wise and prudent as we are able to be.

Common sense implies prudence. It is also wise to be as conscious as possible of the process in which we are involved and to create a "safe space" for ourselves and for others (to the extent that it is humanly possible). In a "safe space" we may feel secure enough to be able to "let go" and abandon ourselves to the process. This is especially true when we are involved in a session of group therapy or personal transformation such as a session of Holotropic Breathwork, Biodanza or psychodrama. During such sessions we may go into a non-ordinary state, during which we may relive past traumas or even experience episodes of re-birthing.

### SIMMERING AND PERCOLATING

Common sense teaches us to "give time... time." A dish may become tastier a day or two after it is cooked. We often need to allow our ideas and our decisions to "simmer and percolate" for a few days, or even longer. Usually, in order to implement major projects successfully and effectively, we need to allow for sufficient lead-time. By doing this, we allow our wisdom and our "dance of creativity" to do their work. By giving the process sufficient time to "simmer and percolate" we may also avoid causing undue stress to ourselves and to others.

### OPENNESS AND CAPACITY

As with any process in which we may be involved, the progress that we are able to achieve will depend on our openness and on our capacity. On the one hand (OTO), we need to feel safe and secure enough to allow ourselves to exit our usual "comfort zone." Whenever this is possible we need to do the preparation that is required by any process. This may include developing sufficient trust and becoming sufficiently open to the process in order to be able to abandon ourselves to it. On the other hand (OTO), there may be hidden blockages and resistances that may hold us back subconsciously or unconsciously. The combined effect between our openness and our resistance will determine our current capacity.

### THE PROCESS OF LAYERING AND CULTIVATING

The processes of self-transformation, behavior modification and re-humanization, which are the major themes of this series of books, evolve along an almost infinite series of layers. As we progress in our process of self-transformation, we tend to heal ourselves from blockages, pain, tensions and all kinds of "dirt" at increasingly deeper and deeper levels.

### METAPHOR: THE MANY LAYERS OF ONION SKINS

As we progress in our healing and self-transformation, we may be able to reach into deeper and deeper layers of our subconscious. Eventually, we may even become able to reach even into areas that used to be totally unconscious. In my experience there appears to be almost no end to the layers of "onion skins" of which my own Total Self appears to be composed.

### METAPHOR: THE GARDENER CULTIVATING THE GARDEN

Being involved in a constantly evolving process of self-transformation is very much like being gardeners cultivating a vast and beautiful garden. For the trees to bear fruit, for the flowers to bloom, and for the vegetables to grow large and healthy, we need to work at it all year long. When gardening, as with most activities, it is usually better to do a few "Baby Steps" (B/S) and a few "Salami Slices" (S/S) of work each day. This usually works better than having to make heroic efforts, once in a while. As we have already seen, _" Frequency is more effective than quantity."_

In order to be able to make steady progress, we need to learn to "cultivate" all the essential aspects of our life. We need to apply the same - constant, persistent and repetitive - care that a gardener would. The ability to "cultivate" carefully, purposefully and consistently, is essential to the successful development of any human process. We are accustomed to utilizing the verb "cultivate" in metaphoric ways such as when:

• We cultivate our friendships, with tender loving care.

• We cultivate our bodies, by exercising and by practising sports.

• We cultivate our health, by eating well and by practicing prevention.

• We cultivate our intellects, by reading good books.

• We cultivate our relationships, by corresponding and by socializing.

In other words, we can apply the process of "layering and cultivating" to any and all aspects of human activity, and especially to behavior modification. For example, let us say that we want to lose some weight. For a few fortunate people, losing a few excess pounds may be a relatively easy task. However for many of us, losing weight is quite a challenge. This is especially true if we have accumulated many pounds over many years, layer after layer. This is especially true if we tend to have obsessive/compulsive personalities, as I used to.

### GIVING UP BAD HABITS

It is common sense that when we try to give up a bad habit or a self-defeating behavior, this process will involve a course of action over time. This may apply to losing weight, quitting smoking, giving up alcohol or drugs; trying to stop procrastinating, or trying to become responsible with money. For example, the metaphor of the layers of onion skins applies very aptly to the process of putting on weight, layer by layer, over a long period of time. Anyone who has tried to lose weight, as often as I did, knows just how difficult this is to do. In my own case, it has taken decades for me to lose all my excess weight, including five years of active participation in Overeaters Anonymous. Losing the weight was not all that difficult. I lost tons of weight, and each time I gained it back... and more!

In my experience, and in the experience of countless others, getting rid of bad habits usually involves a long process. This process is usually longer than the process by which we acquired our bad habit in the first place. Over-eating consists of many components, some of which are subconscious or even unconscious. I have discovered that the pleasure of eating is closely related to sexual pleasure. I have also discovered that over-eating is often driven by a complex of anxieties. These anxieties may be related to deprivation and to our deep-seated insecurities. In the next section of this book I will share how I have managed to **permanently** get rid of all my excess weight.

### LOSING WEIGHT

Losing weight is usually much more complex than just eating less. If that was all that was required, very few people would be overweight. The causes of over-eating are multiple and run very deep, just like the layers of onion skins. They involve not just what we eat and how much. They involve when we eat, how often we eat and, most importantly "how" we eat and "why." Therefore, trying to lose weight may involve becoming aware of many aspects of ourselves: aspects of ourselves which may have been severely "wounded." Trying to become aware of any aspect of our "wounded" selves is a painful and scary process: a process which most of us would rather avoid.

### THE PROCESS OF DEEPENING AND REINFORCING

There is an old joke about a musician who arrives in New York City and asks a passer-by for directions: "How do I get to Carnegie Hall?" The passer-by answers, "Practice... lots and lots of practice!" Many famous musicians say that after skipping only a single day of practice, they themselves can already tell the difference. After skipping two days, other experts can tell. If they skip more than two days, even the audience can tell! We make progress and we get better with practice and by constant repetition. This also applies to behavior modification and to most aspects of our self-transformation.

Many wise people have stated that many of us spend the first part of our lives getting sick and the rest of our lives trying to heal ourselves. The wounds caused by childhood traumas may be embedded very deeply and they may be hidden from us, to varying degrees. As we grow older we may suffer more emotional and physical "hits." The wounds that keep accumulating on top of existing ones may push the existing wounds deeper and deeper down into our subconscious... and beyond. Consequently, in the beginning of our process of healing, we need to start to deal with the layers that are more accessible to us. Later, we may proceed to deeper and deeper layers. In other words, the process of "deepening and reinforcing" works in both directions. It works when we are trying to heal ourselves, as well as when we are trying to hurt ourselves. It works when we are trying to learn good habits, just as when we try to unlearn bad ones.

### THE PROCESS OF EXPANDING AND EVOLVING

Processes are circular and spiraling and they evolve "along" a spiral. A spiral may be more or less long and it may, at times, appear to stretch into infinity. A long spiral may not always evolve in the same direction, and it may not always tend to unfold in an upward direction. A long spiral may proceed through a series of ups and downs. If we look even more closely, we may observe that the different sections of a spiral may be composed of a continuing sequence of almost-circular segments. The segments and the sections of a spiral may not always point in the same direction. The axes of spirals may be tilted in different directions at different times. This is why, as we evolve along our processes, we may at times go through periods of "ups and downs." We may sometimes feel that things are getting worse instead of getting better.

As an example, if we look at the economy, there are curves that evolve along the short-term or the long-term. If we look more closely we may observe that the very long curve may be composed of mid-term curves and many more short-term curves. For example, when I invest in the stock-market, I consider that the short-term curves indicate the near-term direction of the market. The long-term curves indicate trends that have evolved or are in the process of evolving over a much longer period. I may be absolutely right about the long-term, but if I am wrong about the near-term, I may "lose my shirt!" My stockbroker, who is a genius at what he does, and who is my friend and mentor, never tires of reminding me that: "The markets may stay irrational a lot longer than we may stay solvent!"

### SPIRALS AND CURVES

### PRACTICAL EXAMPLES OF LAYERING AND CULTIVATING

### THE LEARNING PROCESS

As in the case of behavior modification, the process of learning is a process that works by layering, by cultivating and by deepening. For example, in the process of becoming progressively more competent in a subject or a skill, we may go through several phases such as growing

**from unconsciously incompetent › to consciously competent › to unconsciously competent.**

This means that, as we get better at what we do, we may no longer be conscious of some of the details, of some of the components and of some of the smaller aspects. Writers at their computers or pianists at their keyboards may no longer be conscious of the exact movement of their hands and fingers. Baseball players or golfers may no longer be conscious of the intricate movements of their limbs and muscles. They may no longer be conscious of the exact sequence in which every limb and muscle has to perform in order to produce the desired results. Instead, they will tend to concentrate on the timing and on the force and direction which they may want to impart the ball.

This same learning process applies when we learn to drive a car, a process at which most of us will eventually become unconsciously competent. For example, while driving we may be listening to music, planning our next meeting or day-dreaming about our children or about our lovers.

### THE PROCESS OF INCORPORATING

Most of the methods, processes and tools that I share with you are already well known; the problem is that most of the people I know are not able to apply them successfully and consistently in their daily lives. For example, one of the blockages in trying to implement what we have learned, may originate from resistance that is deeply hidden in our unconscious. Our resistance may originate from the need to avoid doing something that is painful, or because we are suffering from some anxieties. For example, we may suffer from the fear of complexity, the fear of abandonment or the fear of loss of control.

I have tried my best to integrate an extremely wide variety of information from a variety of diverse fields that may appear to be unrelated. My specialty is the Process of Incorporating, which I have developed in order to practice the methods, the skills and the behaviors which I believe to be essential to my self-transformation. The Process of Incorporating is in fact a "continuum of processes" or, if you prefer, "a process of processes." It integrates as many of the concepts, methods, skills and processes that I feel are required.

_repetition... repetition... repetition..._

The Process of Incorporating relies heavily on repetition and on reinforcement, as are most of the processes and tools that I share in this book. By now, my life has practically become a never-ending workshop of self-transformation. This morning, for example, as I am in the process of writing this very chapter, I have been practicing several elements of the Process of Incorporating. I have been doing so practically from the time that I woke up. I will describe some of these elements as we move along. For now just let me say that, over a period of more than three decades, I have learned more and more ways in which to practice the Process of Incorporating. The more I practice it the better I get, and I tend to do so in all aspects of my life. See the illustration that follows.

### SOME TOOLS

My home is "booby-trapped" with Ring-a-Dingies (timers) and with what are known as mnemonics: objects, visual aids and "reminders." They help me to remember to practice those exercises, skills and behaviors which I want to deepen. Mnemonics act in a way that is similar to tying a knot in a handkerchief to remind us to do something later. I am a writer, and I spend a disproportionate amount of my time in front of a computer screen. Doing so is not terribly good for my posture, and especially not for my eyes. "Fixating" is definitely a bad habit and it is very detrimental to our vision. Looking at a computer-screen, hour after hour, is very tiring for our eyes. The more tired our eyes become the less well we are able to see. To remind myself to get up, to stretch and to practice a few eye exercises, I set my Ring-a-Dingy to twenty minutes. I refer you to the Association of Vision Educators at www.visioneducators.org and to the Bates Association for Vision Education at www.seeing.org.

### AN IMAGE: LITTLE CHILDREN AT PLAY

If we look at little children at play, we may observe that their bodies and their eyes are moving almost constantly. This is just as true of toddlers playing with toys on the floor as it is of pupils in an elementary school who are "let loose" to play in the schoolyard. As we grow older, most of us tend to live lives that become increasingly sedentary. A sedentary life is neither natural nor organic and it is not good for our posture, for our vision or for our health. As I mentioned in Chapter 2, in Yoga we have a saying: "We are as young as our spine is flexible." In my opinion, this applies not only to the flexibility and health of our physical bodies: it applies to our emotional and to our intellectual selves as well.

### RELATIONSHIPS AND BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION

If I want to change a bad habit, especially if it concerns how I behave with others, I utilize the processes of diarizing and visualization. I utilize diaries for every major aspect of my life, including my dreams and my sex-life. I am a man of the theatre and I love attention and being "on stage." This is the long way to say that I have the bad habit of talking too much. To cure myself of this habit, I diarize what happened the last time I talked too much. I forgive myself and I visualize trying to talk a little less the next time. Preferably, I try to visualize a meeting that is already scheduled, as well as the people who will be involved.

As many creative processes are, diarizing is a "circular process." A process that takes place simultaneously on several levels and in several dimensions: conscious, subconscious, and unconscious. Diarizing is also a circular process because it is very much a "dance" with our subconscious and with the universe. It is well known that the more we utilize a dream diary, the more dreams we will remember... and that we will do so in greater detail. Our expectation of writing a diary upon awakening has an effect on our process of sleeping and of dreaming. This effect creates the circularity of the process. The constant, consistent and repeated action of diarizing our dreams is a process that evolves over time. Eventually this process establishes an unwritten contract between all aspects of our Total Selves as well as with the universe.

### THE CREATIVE PROCESS

Practically everything in this book may help, directly or indirectly, to develop and expand our creative process. Keeping a dream diary is particularly recommended in helping us to develop our creative process. To elaborate on the "circularity" of this process, let me give you a very pertinent and immediate example. When I started to write this chapter, it had been my intention to introduce you very briefly to some elements of the creative process. At that time I had no idea about how to accomplish this with "pregnant brevity." Therefore, before going to bed I threw my intent to the universe, and I trusted that I would (... eventually) receive an answer.

### THE TIME "IN BETWEEN"

The most "fertile" period of the day for me to "receive" inspiration and creative ideas is usually the time "in between" sleep and awakening. Because I have the freedom to do so, I allow myself to stretch the process of waking up for as long as I like, sometimes for an hour or even longer. The morning after I threw my request to the universe, I remained in the magical "in between" time and space for quite a long time. I received far more answers than I ever expected. I managed to fill about seven pages with my abbreviated notes. This is enough material to create several chapters of a book.

I "received" that I need to encourage my readers to try their best to create more "unstructured" time for themselves. We also need to allow ourselves to play more, in the sense of being playful like little children are. The Chinese believe that to be able to feel truly rich, we must be able to "waste" an entire day. By this, I mean that we need to allow ourselves to be "purposefully lazy," which is laziness only in appearance. The Italians call it "il dolce far niente," which means "the sweet state of doing nothing."

I also "received" that I needed to create the continuum scale for the Creative Process, which I reproduce below. The continuum scale tries to convey the circularity of the process and the Back and Forth (BAF) movement by which it operates. It also tries to illustrate the challenge of navigating between the constraints of structured time and the freedom of unstructured time. Please rest assured that I know just how difficult these challenges are. I am also aware that there is a price to pay for freedom and for uninhibited creativity. However, no matter how dear that price has been, I would not want to trade away a single moment of that freedom or of that creativity. If you wish to deepen your understanding of the creative process, I highly recommend the book _The Artist 's Way_ by Julia Cameron.

### A PROCESS OF PROCESSES

My life consists of a "continuum of processes," or if you prefer, a "Process of Processes." This happens to also be true about the contents of this book. Below, I will briefly share with you some of these processes.

### THE PROCESS OF LETTING GO

"Letting go" consists of becoming able to progressively let go of who/what we need to give up in order to become "all that we can be!" As we have seen in the previous chapter, "letting go" is a paradox. This means that if we are able to let go of what we need to let go, and if we are able to accept our limitations and live within them, our potential will expand "practically" beyond any limits. By accepting our limitations, it is far more likely that we will be able to become the human beings that we truly want to become. This will happen because we will not waste our time and energy on pursuits that are unnecessary or distracting.

### THE PROCESS OF ACCEPTANCE

It is not easy to "let go," especially of habits and behaviors which have been deeply embedded in us for a very long time: habits to which we have become "attached." It is not an easy process to accept that we need to "let go." It is not easy to accept that we need to face and "let go" of pain and misery to which we have become quite attached. It is indeed difficult to accept anything that is painful or scary. Usually, it is not easy to make the effort to change that which has become so terribly familiar.

One of the first things that we need to remember about the process of acceptance is that it is a process that takes time. It usually takes more time than we would like. First of all, we need to become aware that the process in which we are involved is the process of acceptance. Once we have become aware that we are involved in it, we need to allow the process to take its course. We need to have the patience to "give time... time."

The process of acceptance will probably need to evolve through several layers of resistance. It will also need to evolve according to our capacity and to our current state of readiness. The process of acceptance may consist of, and "flow" through, several stages... as any process does. It may also flow through some stages and some steps that maybe peculiar to this one process. The process of acceptance implies denial. Basically, it consists of "navigating" Back and Forth (BAF) between denial and acceptance. We will do so until we are progressively able to reduce our denial and increase our acceptance. This process will take as long as it needs to take, depending on our capacity and on our state of readiness.

### THE PROCESS OF DECISION-MAKING

Whether we do so consciously or not, we keep making decisions every day of our lives. Some of these decisions may be tiny and unimportant, while others may be extremely difficult and even crucial. We may make decisions very formally and deliberately, or we may make them while day-dreaming or while "brain-storming" with others. The process of decision-making consists of the same basic stages of any process. Each stage may also require steps that are peculiar to the process of decision-making.

### THE PROCESS OF TAKING RISKS

Making decisions which involve risks is a process that can be very disturbing indeed, because our decisions have consequences and sometimes these consequences may be enormous. In other words, just as thought usually precedes conscious action, decisions usually precede the inevitable consequences of our actions. One of the reasons why corporate executives (and anyone who has to make major decisions regularly) are paid so handsomely, is because they have to make such a large number of decisions. They are also held accountable for those decisions. Just as it is true for corporate executives or investors, sooner or later, all of us have "to put our money where our mouth is." We have to make decisions that may require taking some serious risks.

Taking a risk implies taking initiative. Depending on the success of the initiative, an initiative can result in either a reward or a penalty. For example, a major challenge for military officers is being able to successfully navigate the continuum of initiative. They may be successful and receive promotions or awards, or they may fail and be penalized for insubordination.

### SOLID FOUNDATIONS

The first section of this book (Part One) has been by far the hardest for me to write. It has taken much, much longer than I ever imagined it would. The reason for this is that I have tried to lay the foundations on which the rest of this series of books will stand and evolve. I have tried to share with you, as accurately and as effectively as possible, the fundamental concepts, "tools" and processes which I have been using in my own self-transformation.

I have utilized all these tools and all these processes to get rid of one bad habit after another. I have utilized them to liberate myself from obsessive/compulsive behaviors. I have utilized them to "remake" myself into the human being that I am proud to be today. I believe that I have succeeded in becoming a whole, authentic, happy, healthy and creative human being. I still need to make a lot of progress, however I am quite satisfied with who I have become. I have learned to forgive myself a lot better and a lot faster than I used to. Rather than using my willpower, I have learned to make a "game" out of any process in which I am involved. I have learned to try and find the fun in it... just like happy children would.

## _AS ONE HUMAN BEING TO ANOTHER_

This book is sold with the understanding that the author is not offering any kind of medical, psychological, financial or professional advice. Absolutely no warranties or guaranties are expressed or implied. Neither the publisher nor the author shall be liable for any physical, psychological, emotional, financial, or commercial damages, including, but not limited to, special, incidental, consequential or other damages.

I would like you to keep in mind that in this book I don't share from the point of view of an expert or a professional. I share the tools and the processes that I practice and that have proven to be consistently successful for me. I do so as one human being to another. Please remember that what may work extremely well for somebody, may not work well at all for somebody else. We need to be realistic, reasonable and responsible. When making changes in our lives, in our habits and in our diets, it is wise to proceed slowly and gradually. We need to do so over a reasonably long period of time: months or years, rather than days or weeks.

I would also like to remind you that the statements in this book have not been reviewed or approved by medical authorities. I urge you to seek the help of therapists and professionals that you trust. I urge you to consult a professional health care practitioner, whenever you need to do so. In conclusion, I would like to urge you to please:

_" Take what you like and leave the rest."_

## _**Part Two**_

## _Chapter 6_

## _**Personal Re-Organization (PRO)**_

### THE TRUE PURPOSE OF OUR LIVES

As seen earlier, one of the major decisions that I had to make was to start to define what the true purpose of my life was to be. This process I call Goals of Our Lives (GOL). Eventually I had to begin to make the decisions about how to implement my goals and how to realize my true purpose in this lifetime. Eventually this evolved into what I call the process of Personal Re-Organization (PRO).

### OUR INNER VOID

Some celebrities are so terribly sick, psychologically and emotionally, as to be practically unrecognizable from the image they project when they are "on stage." Some psychotherapists who have treated celebrities have shared this with us. When we spend most of our lives trying to please others, we usually end up "starving" our true and authentic selves and we become very empty inside. We develop what I call our emotional "Inner Void." Our "Inner Void" is usually manifested in our lives by self-defeating habits, obsessive/compulsive behaviors, varying states of depression and recurrent feelings of emptiness and despair. For a startling depiction of this, I refer you to the movie _The Ice Storm_ , starring Kevin Kline.

### GETTING OUR PRIORITIES STRAIGHT

The problem, as I see it, rests with the choice of our priorities and the emphasis we place on them. For most of us, the priorities appear to be as follows:

• Work.

• Family: educating and chauffeuring our children and trying to make our spouses happy.

• Taking care of the house: buying it, remodeling it, cleaning it, repairing it, mowing the lawn...

• Dealing with our personal finances: creating and ensuring our retirement fund, our nest-egg.

• Trying to satisfy the demands of society and of our neighbors.

• Trying to satisfy the expectations of others.

• Our health: resting, recuperating and doing at least the minimum to keep ourselves fit.

• Entertaining ourselves, shopping and "escaping": usually at the end of the day, on weekends and on holidays.

After we have dealt with all that we "have" to do, all too often by the end of the day, we only have the energy and the will to escape. We may seek escape in a shopping mall, in TV, in a DVD, in a magazine, in a book, on the Internet or in alcohol, drugs, or sex. What this means, is that we have very little time to devote to ourselves and to our authentic Total Selves.

### FILLING OUR INNER VOID

As things are now, most of us are still driven, all too often, by our complex of anxieties and insecurities and by our wounded selves. The challenge is to be able to slowly, gradually and progressively fill our "Inner Void." Eventually we become able to be driven by the motivation that originates mostly "inside" ourselves. This motivation is generated mainly by our healthy, happy, loving and creative selves.

In my personal experience and in that of some others, once we have all that we need to satisfy our basic physical and material needs... we don't need to accumulate any more. Once we have satisfied what we absolutely require for our survival and for our safety... we don't need any more. Once we have sufficient and reasonable security and protection... we don't need any more. Speaking for myself, what I have discovered is that, as far as physical, material and monetary needs are concerned, what I truly need is:

_" only what is absolutely necessary..."_

... and perhaps a little more, but not much more. Of course, this implies that we have to become able to feel satisfied. Feeling satisfied means that we need to learn to fill our "Inner Void."

### THE SLOW MOVEMENT

I have just returned from a weekend conference of the association of Voluntary Simplicity to which I belong. There is now a world-wide movement of Voluntary Simplicity as well as a Slow Movement. Yes, it is true that at this time we are only a tiny minority. We need to remember that the ecology movement also started like this several decades ago, and that it is now a major force with which most governments have to contend. If you would like to know more about these movements, you may visit one of the following sites.

www.simplicityforum.org www.slowsociety.org www.slowmovement.com

### TURNING AROUND

If we are truly ready and committed to "turning around," we need to do what is necessary in order to become driven mainly by the healthier and wiser aspects of our Total Selves. We need to become aware of what is truly driving us at present. To admit to ourselves that we may be driven by our sick side (our wounded self) is not easy to do for anybody. This is true even if our sick side is driving us only partially. Have you ever seen how quickly a wounded animal tries to hide, especially if the animal is bleeding? As human beings, our Total Selves are also composed of an animal-side, which we tend to neglect or ignore, all too often. Practicing self-awareness is not easy. This is especially true if it leads us to connect with aspects of ourselves that are painful, or when it leads us to face issues that are more than just a little disturbing.

"Turning around" from being driven mainly from aspects of our sick and "wounded" selves, to being driven mainly by those aspects of ourselves that are happy, healthy, loving and creative is not easy. When we are ready to do so, here are some very disturbing questions that we may want to ask ourselves:

• "What is the real purpose of my life?" "What is the main mission in my life?"

• "How much am I willing to let go, in order to be able to achieve my essential goals... even if my goals may be controversial?... even if others do not approve?"

_" I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived."_

-Henry David Thoreau, _Walden_ (1854)

### DEEPENING AND EXPANDING SELF-AWARENESS

In Chapter 1, I have given you a description of how I have learned to apply the "movie in reverse," for the purpose of deepening and expanding my process of self-awareness. The "movie in reverse" is the single most powerful "tool" that I have ever been fortunate to receive. I bless the mentor who taught it to me. If there is only one tool that I wish my readers could learn from me, it is the "movie in reverse." This is because everything else will follow from it. Self-awareness is a door that opens vast horizons and vast possibilities for us. I feel that the price that we need to pay for becoming self-aware is never too great. The pain caused by avoiding and escaping, is usually far greater than any pain or fear that we may face during the process of becoming self-aware.

This is truly a case of "No pain... no gain!" However, we don't need to suffer more than absolutely necessary. We don't have to frighten ourselves more than absolutely necessary, either. What is so absolutely wonderful about the "movie in reverse" is that it allows us to grow in self-awareness at our own pace. In other words, this process will not lead us (or force us) to go where we are not ready to go! This is especially true if we use some common sense: if we are sufficiently wise and patient to proceed by "Baby Steps" (B/S) and thin Salami Slices (S/S). Whenever I have tried to force the process, I have almost inevitably ended up getting stuck!

### MINIMIZING THE DAMAGE (MTD)

From experience and from having made many, many mistakes, I have learned that it is not a good idea to make too many changes or to make them too quickly. We don't want to "rock the boat" too much, and we don't want to make the process harder than absolutely necessary. Eventually I learned that it is a lot wiser not to push myself to go too far too fast. This was a tendency that I used to have and that has caused me a lot of problems. In Alcoholics Anonymous (A.A.) I learned to utilize a maxim that has served me very well:

_" We seek progress rather than perfection."_

We don't need to be in a hurry. One of the basic secrets of self-transformation is that before we can change a self-defeating behavior, we need to learn to minimize « the gravity, the intensity and the frequency » of that behavior. I have found that, before we can begin to make any real progress, it is usually very effective that we begin to minimize any existing damage. The process of Minimizing the Damage (MTD) is one of the most basic processes that I practice. For more on this I refer you back to Chapter 2.

### PLANNING AND PRIORITIZING

If we want to make sufficient time and "space" for our true selves to emerge and develop, we need to rearrange our priorities. This is rarely easy, especially if others are involved. In my case, I chose to separate from my wife and eventually to divorce. Doing this allowed me to become free and ready to change my priorities. I have now been free for more than twenty-five years. At the time, the anxiety that I experienced and the pain that I suffered appeared to be almost unbearable. However, not only did I survive... eventually I thrived. My process of self-transformation and growth has been accelerating ever since.

### TAKING CONTROL OF OUR LIVES

Alan Lakein is one of the fathers of time-management. He is famous for his book: _How to Get Control of Your Time and Your Life_. One of the actions that he recommends in this book is to let go of TV... permanently! He recommends getting rid of our TV set altogether and renting one only on very special occasions, such as for the Olympics or on election day. Being a sober alcoholic, one of my first thoughts upon reading his suggestion was: "I gotta find a way to get around that!" And I did my very best to do so. I started by Minimizing the Damage (MTD). I tried to limit myself to fewer hours of TV each week and to watch only my favorite programs.

As the months passed, I was able to reduce my TV watching to no more than three hours a day. Looking back now, this appears to have been a terrible waste of my own personal "prime time." However, at that time, this was the very best that I was able to manage. When six o'clock came around and it was time for the news, I couldn't wait to turn the set on. As more time progressed, the effect TV had on me changed. I discovered that TV was making me slightly depressed. After I turned it off, I felt "bad" in the same way as I felt when I had been over-eating. I felt bad about myself, and I felt guilty for not being able to resist it. In other words, TV acted in the same way as any other addiction had acted before.

As with all my other bad habits, I eventually decided that I had had enough! I therefore decided that I was going to unplug the set permanently, just as Alan Lakein had suggested. The problem was that the next day, as six o'clock was coming around (prime time newscasts), I started to get into a "critical" state, just as it used to be with alcohol. I needed my fix! This meant that just as I had done with alcohol and cigarettes, I had to wean myself from TV gradually and find a healthier alternative.

I solved my problem by attending repertory cinema two or three times a week. I had to make the effort to select a movie that I really wanted to watch. I had to make the effort the get out of the house. Doing so had practically the same effect on me as if I had been attending meetings of "TV Anonymous." This was probably so because I was already active in at least two twelve-step programs, and because I was already benefiting from considerable emotional support. Eventually, as my children started to grow up, I allowed myself to rent videos on the weekends my children spent with me.

An unexpected benefit from having attended repertory cinema for a couple of years, was that I became familiar with some of the best international films available at that time. When used videos started to be retailed, I began to collect them. Because I am a cinema buff, I am now a proud owner of a very fine collection of movies in several languages. I am a firm believer that:

_" Good teachers entertain, and good entertainment teaches."_

I have therefore utilized my vast audio-visual library, including my vast collection of movies, for the purpose of educating myself and my children as well as for entertainment.

### THE YEAR IN REVIEW

During the first few days of every New Year, I do a written review of the major accomplishments of my previous year. I verify the progress that I have made in the goals that I had set for myself. My yearly review is one of the most gratifying "tools" that I utilize. I am almost invariably surprised by how much I have surpassed my expectations. I have been able to do this, not only because every year I keep making my expectations a little more realistic, but also because my health keeps improving and my energy and my motivation keep rising. As I am making steady progress in all aspects of my life, I am able to accomplish more. I do what I do with increasing ease and creativity.

### THE PIE

Having completed my "year in review," I proceed to do "the pie," which is a quite simple exercise which I reproduce below. To each segment of "the pie" I assign a title, in a way as to cover the most important aspects of my life such as:

• Self-transformation

• Publishing

• Major projects

• Health

• Sports

• Creativity

• Relationships

• Finances

• Etc.

Using abbreviations, symbols and my own particular shorthand, I fill each segment with the tasks, projects and activities that are pertinent. For some of the major projects such as publishing, I may later choose to do a separate pie.

One of the main purposes in doing "the pie" is to help me to accept my limitations and to help me to operate within a reasonable budget of time and of resources. I tend to be rather ambitious and I like to "push the outside of the envelope." This exercise has therefore become quite essential in my life and it prevents me from "burning out," as I used to do years ago. If I decide to augment the time, energy and resources that I wish to dedicate to one particular segment, I need to reduce or to eliminate activities in another segment. Please feel free to make copies of "the pie" or to reproduce it in whatever way you please.

### THE NOT TO DO LIST

Usually, as I do "the pie," or in preparation for doing it, I also do a "T-shaped" list. On one side is the "to do" list of the major projects and activities in which I wish to be involved: these I usually am going to add to "the pie." On the other side, is the "not to do" list of all those activities of which I need to "let go." I do so in order to be able to accomplish the projects and the activities on the "to do" list. This process is reflected in the pie. If I want to increase the attention and the time that I wish to dedicate to any one segment of the pie, I need to diminish the attention and the time that I will dedicate to another segment. I indicate this by red arrows, signifying that I need to decrease, and by green arrows, signifying that I need to increase. I give you permission to make copies for your own personal use.

My "not to do" list has continued to increase quite consistently. For example, I don't buy newspapers or magazines. I listen to the radio only on very exceptional occasions. I very rarely buy new clothes. When I do, I tend to buy them at discount stores. I spend as little time shopping as I can. When I do, I stock up so that I am self-sufficient for at least three weeks. I drive a vehicle that is more than ten years old, and that is good for another few years. I don't travel except when absolutely necessary. Consequently, I have reduced the mileage that I drive to about a quarter of the average North American driver. Once I have finished working on my computer, I shut it off. I don't surf the Internet except to do research or if I have a very good reason to do so. Very rarely do I feel the need to find escape by surfing the Internet. Consequently, I now have more than sufficient time to cultivate my creativity, to rest, to heal and to nurture myself... and to do so in all essential aspects of my life.

### THE PARADOX IN ACTION

By doing "the pie" and the "not to do list" at least once a year (or as often as necessary), I have made huge progress in being able to accept my limitations. The paradox of being able to accept our limitations is almost magical. We learn to come "within" and to operate "within" our budgets of time, money and resources. By doing so we are able to concentrate our energies and our resources on those activities that are truly essential to us. We stop squandering our time, our precious resources and our limited energies on activities that are non-essential or escapist. We create sufficient time to rest and to regenerate.

By concentrating our energy and our resources, we become able to accomplish what we truly desire to accomplish. Year after year we get better at budgeting, at prioritizing and at operating within our limitations. "The paradox in action" allows us to become better and better at what we do. By accepting our limitations in areas that are not essential, the possibilities become almost limitless in the areas on which we wish to concentrate. I have learned a huge amount about planning and prioritizing by reading and by practicing the exercises in the book: _The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People_ by Stephen R. Covey, which I strongly recommend.

### GOALS OF OUR LIVES (GOL)

All of the processes that I have described so far in this chapter are meant to help us discover what we really and truly want to do with the rest of our lives. I consider them to be Essential Links in my process of self-transformation and re-humanization.

### A VISUALIZATION

Let's use our imagination and let's visualize ourselves after our death. Let's ask ourselves: "When I will look back on my life, will I feel happy, satisfied and proud with what I have accomplished? Will I feel satisfied with what I have left as a legacy for others?" By this I don't mean how much money we have left behind or how great a "dynasty" we have established. By legacy I mean:

• Has our passing through this lifetime made any difference to others?

• Are they better people because they have known us... because they have dealt with us?

• Have we made our world a little better (no matter how tiny or how vast our immediate world may have been?).

• Have we inspired anybody to do better... to become a better human being?

• Have we "touched" anybody's heart?

Please note that this visualization is not the same as the one about visualizing how many people will attend our funeral. In this particular visualization, we do not really care if we get a funeral or if anybody will attend. When we try to accomplish our mission(s) in this lifetime, and when we try to touch the "hearts and souls" of others, it is better if we do so without any expectations. We do what we need to do... what we feel directed to do, without insisting on the outcome. For example, as many wise beings have said, "Goodness cannot be defined." Goodness may take many forms; sometimes a sharp word or a kick in the pants maybe just what a person may need.

Having completed our visualization, let us now "go within" and find out how we feel about what we have seen and done. Has anything remained impressed in your mind, in your heart... in your psyche? Do you feel driven to change anything substantial in your life? Do you want to live your life any differently than before? Are you ready to make some changes in your priorities and in your values? If you do, you have arrived at the point where you may want to practice some of the processes that I have shared with you. You may also want to take some time for yourself and decide what Goals of Our Lives (GOL) to choose for yourself.

### THE ROLE OF DESPAIR

As you probably already know only too well, trying to change our habits and our priorities is not easy, at the best of times. This is all the more true when we deal with major changes. This is especially true when the changes that we wish to implement in our lives may be difficult or unpopular. In my experience, and in the experience of countless others, it would appear that despair may be necessary to force us to deal with what we had been avoiding. In my case, at the age of twenty-eight, I ended up in an alcoholic coma and I was not expected to wake up.

I am told by some close friends and associates that, in their experience, despair is not always necessary to change: this may very well be true. I truly wish that this be so. I am sharing about despair at this point, because there are times when it appears that most of us are able to change only when we become desperate enough. There may also be times when our desire to change or to realize our fondest desires becomes as strong as a fire burning deep within ourselves. This brings me to deal with motivation. We need to learn how and where to find the "fire" that we need in order to realize the Goals of Our Lives (GOL).

### MOTIVATION: WHERE TO FIND IT

If we decide that we truly wish to practice Personal Re-Organization (PRO), we will need to find the motivation and the energy that are required to do so. We may find the "fire" of motivation in many different places, some right inside ourselves and some outside of ourselves. At times we may even find the fire in some pretty unlikely, unexpected and surprising places. So, where do we start and how do we proceed? Finding the fire of motivation depends very much on how well we have become able to practice our "dance" with our creative subconscious and with the universe. This implies that we need to develop a pretty intimate and immediate relationship with our intuition. Of course this is a process that may take years to develop and to deepen.

One of the most immediate sources of motivation is:

_" To love what we do and to do what we love."_

I feel very fortunate indeed because I am already able to love what I do and to do what I love (most of the time). I sincerely hope that, one day, just about everybody else may be able to do so. Basically, most of what I have shared with you should be able to help you to develop your "dance" and to expand your intuition. Because this process is so essential, I dedicate the next two chapters to the sources of motivation and on the best ways by which we may benefit from them.

### ENERGY: CAN WE RUN ON EMPTY?

In order to do what we really want to do, we need to have sufficient energy (preferably without utilizing drugs or external stimulants). We need to enjoy a diet that is nutritious, and preferably delicious and satisfying, so that we feel motivated to eat well consistently. We also need to do the "absolute minimum" necessary in order to exercise our bodies, keep our cardiovascular system healthy, tone our muscles and keep our spine sufficiently flexible. My slogan is, " _Do the minimum... but do it!_" In my experience it is infinitely more effective to do the minimum consistently than to try heroic measures. Exercise doesn't need to feel like punishment. If we don't push ourselves too hard, exercise may become a great pleasure and it may generate a feeling of overall well-being.

I am not advocating trying to become semi-competitive athletes or jogging several miles every day. Young people have so much energy not only because their hormones are more active, it is also because they have a lot fewer blockages in their system. Their energy is much more free to circulate, and it does so with much greater force. Aging is a process of progressive degeneration. In Yoga, we have a saying: "We are as young as our spine is flexible." The same principle applies to blockages. In other words, the fewer blockages we have, the better our energy will be able to circulate, and the more power we will have.

Science has proven without a doubt that the cleaner our systems are, the longer we can live. For example, there is a famous experiment in which scientists kept changing the water in a bowl of goldfish very often. In the control unit, they changed the water much less frequently and they allowed dirt to accumulate. The fish that were in the water that was kept constantly pure lived a life that was **exponentially** longer than the fish that lived in water that was allowed to become dirty. This is why we need to keep our internal organs as clean as possible. We also need to keep our immune systems as strong and as active as possible. I will share more about this in the chapters that follow. Over the past three decades, since I quit drinking, smoking and utilizing mood-altering substances, my Total Self has continued to regenerate itself and to rejuvenate. It has done so to the point that I now believe that I will be able to live much longer than I would have dared imagine only a few short years ago.

It is true that I have lost most of my hair and that I cannot run as fast as a teenager can. However in all other aspects I am in better shape now that I used to be twenty-five years ago. I also believe that the process of revitalization and rejuvenation that I have been practicing, and which I am sharing with you in my books, may work for almost everybody. I believe that most people may live a lot longer and enjoy a much better quality of life.

### OUR HEALTH: HOW PRECIOUS IS IT?

Early in the process of Personal Re-Organization (PRO) one of the key questions that we need to ask ourselves is: "just how precious is my health?" In my own case, I was forced to give my health top priority and I had to accept that all else had to come after it. Today, after more than thirty years of being continuously "clean and sober," I am absolutely thrilled that life "forced" me to make that decision. I feel that my physical health is the foundation on which the rest of my "edifice" needs to stand. Just like a building of brick and mortar needs to stand on a solid foundation, so does our own edifice. I know far too many people who are trying their best to live creative and spiritual lives, but who choose to neglect their bodies.

We need to understand that our bodies are much more than just the "temple of our souls." Just as energy precedes matter, our energy bodies precede our physical bodies. Our physical bodies are a reflection of our energy bodies. Our physical bodies are not only reflections of our energy bodies: they are "extensions" of them. If our physical bodies and our internal organs are not performing well enough, our bodies will not generate sufficient energy. Low energy means low spirits. If our spirits are not high, it is difficult for us to be very creative or to perform at our best... or close to it.

### PRACTICING PREVENTION

I believe that we need to be preventive and proactive wherever possible. This applies especially to developing, maintaining and amplifying the energy that we require to accomplish our goals. We cannot feel sufficiently motivated to keep our inner "fire" burning, if we don't have the fuel to do so. In our modern, industrialized and highly technological societies, we are all too often driven by excessive competitiveness and by unreasonable expectations. At the end of the day, we are often so tired that we feel "dead." We have no idea how we can continue without getting a "boost" from some drug or stimulant, even if it is "only" coffee. Have you ever tried to go a few days without touching coffee, or without any other artificial stimulants, while continuing to carry out your duties at work and elsewhere?

Fatigue, tension and pain tend to accumulate in our bodies as the day progresses. The more fatigue, tension and pain that we allow to accumulate in our bodies, the harder it becomes for us to deal with it. Our temptation to engage in escapist activities and obsessive/compulsive behavior will tend to increase. Some of us may have developed the good habit of working out at the gym, of going jogging or practicing Yoga. Doing this may help us greatly and may leave us with a feeling of well-being. Occasional exercise may however not be enough, especially on those evenings when we don't have the time to exercise sufficiently. This is particularly true if our evenings are also filled with activities and with demands that may produce even more fatigue and more tension.

### THE HABIT OF DISCONNECTING

The greater the accumulation of fatigue, tension and pain in our bodies, the more difficult it becomes for us to connect to our bodies and to the rest of our Total Selves. The greater the difficulty, the greater will be our temptation to remain disconnected from those parts of ourselves that are suffering. The habit of disconnecting is far greater than most people would dare imagine! Most of us live in an almost constant state of chronic fatigue. As far as I am concerned, chronic fatigue and depression have become pandemics of catastrophic proportions. I believe that this is confirmed by the over-consumption of tranquilizers and sleeping pills. More recently, this is also confirmed by the world-wide explosion in the consumption of painkillers and antidepressants.

### THE WONDERFUL BENEFITS OF SLEEP AND OF SIESTAS

It could be very helpful if we allowed ourselves to sleep longer and to take siestas ("naps") whenever and wherever we can. If we are not already doing so, we may start by taking short siestas on weekends and on holidays. Siestas were a common practice until a couple of generations ago, especially in warmer climates. The benefits of taking siestas regularly are very well documented. Siestas help us to prevent heart-disease and to live longer. Some people to whom I have recommended siestas have told me that this not easy for them to do: they feel that they would be wasting a precious part of the day. I have discovered that even a short siesta of twenty minutes or so is infinitely better than none at all. We may, for example, give ourselves permission to take a short twenty minute siesta after coming home from work, or after supper. You may wish to verify the cardiovascular benefits of siestas on Wikipedia and elsewhere.

Far too many people today feel that when we sleep we are "missing out on life." As far as I am concerned, rest is one of the greatest pleasures that life has to offer. In fact sleep can be more exciting than many of our activities. This is especially true if we learn to diarize our dreams on a regular basis. I have had many dreams that feel like adventures and were far more exciting than many of my favorite movies. On several occasions I have woken up from a series of consecutive dreams with the distinct feeling of returning home from a wonderful trip abroad. It felt definitely safer (and a lot cheaper) than some of the trips that I have taken in "real" life!

### OUR RELATIONSHIPS: HOW EMPOWERING ARE THEY?

Why am I sharing about relationships in a section that is dedicated to motivation and to energy? I am doing so because one of the fundamental questions that we need to ask ourselves is whether our relationships are energy "boosters" or energy "suckers." Far too many of our relationships may be energy "suckers," or what is known as codependent relationships. Such had been the case with me as well, until I decided to divorce and to start to "let go" of one codependent relationship after another. If a significant portion of our life and of our vitality is drained by relationships that are energy "suckers," we may not have sufficient energy, motivation and time to practice Personal Re-Organization (PRO)

### OUR RELATIONSHIPS AS A TEST OF OUR GROWTH

I believe, just as M. Scott Peck did, that there is hardly a better test of our growth and of our maturity than in the way in which we actually do live our relationships. As far as I am concerned, love is based on mutual respect. Those relationships that are healthy and that are energy "boosters" are also based on respect. I cannot respect others if I do not respect myself. If I respect myself, I will not engage in relationships that are not healthy or that are energy "suckers." To let go of relationships that are energy "suckers" and codependent is not always easy. This is especially so if they involve people to which we are very close and to which we feel attached. Because relationships are very complex, and because "switching over" is definitely not an easy process, I will dedicate Part Three of this book to relationships.

### COMMUNITY: WHERE IS MY EMOTIONAL VILLAGE?

In Chapter 4, I began to describe the Process of Initiation by which authentic human beings learn how to "operate" themselves through Role Modeling. One of the problems with today's modern, industrialized and increasingly technological societies is that individuals are becoming increasingly isolated from each other and alienated from society. By isolated and by alienated, I am talking especially about our "emotional selves."

In ancient times, our ancestors lived in villages that were very small, especially when compared to the towns and the cities in which most of us live today. Our ancestors of long ago knew everybody in their village. The education, or more precisely, the Initiation, into becoming authentic and whole human beings was not the responsibility of only a few people, as in modern societies (mother, father, relatives and teachers). It was the responsibility of the entire village. A boy or a girl did not have only a few people on which to model themselves: they had many. Because of this, there was much less of a chance of children being neglected, abused or seriously traumatized. This was true especially in those villages that were trying to raise authentic and whole human beings, rather than just trying to raise warriors, amazons... and spouses of warriors and amazons.

### NETWORKING

In the past few years, I have come to know more and more children who have been raised in what are comparatively happy families. I find this most encouraging. Far too few of us have been raised in truly happy families and without a significant baggage of "wounds" and of somatized traumas.

Because I was raised in a family of people who were severely wounded and traumatized, I have chosen to create my own "family of choice." A family which consists of friends, associates, colleagues, teachers and mentors with whom I have developed mutually empowering relationships. These relationships are based on trust and on mutual respect. At this time, I live alone in the country and I spend most of my days alone. Therefore, my "family of choice" is not usually physically present. Rather, it consists of a network of people who are scattered around the country and around the world.

I can readily communicate with most of the people in my network by telephone or by email, and we may visit each other on a more or less regular basis. I am therefore able to receive the inspiration and the emotional support that I require to feel connected, supported and inspired. Authentic human beings need to be touched, to be caressed and to actually "feel" the warmth of another person. This I cannot receive from a distance, therefore when I meet my friends I exchange hugs whenever possible. I also receive massages from therapists on a regular basis. I participate in workshops such as Biodanza in which we touch each other with love and affection, and during which we exchange lots and lots of hugs.

When I am alone I hug myself frequently and I massage myself (on just about every part of my body), several times a day, in short Salami Slices (S/S) of time. Deep inside myself I feel the tremendous longing to wake up one day in a real village filled with "my people": people to whom I feel connected emotionally, as well as physically. When I watch a movie such as _Dances with Wolves_ , _Himalaya_ or _Shakespeare in Love_ , I long to disappear into the screen and never come out.

### OUR EMOTIONAL VILLAGE

I have been actively engaged for many years with a network of people who wish to create what I call "emotional villages." These communities would be based on existing models of collaborative housing or on models that we are going to co-create together. These collaborative communities would be filled with people who are emotionally and physically present; people who are ready to support one another and do so with respect and with loving detachment. "Emotional villages" would be filled with people who are good role models for one another. In order to thrive and to become "all that we can be," all of us need to feel connected, loved, respected, supported and inspired. More about this in the chapter dedicated to Our Emotional Village.

### ESSENTIAL LINKS

I have developed and I have practiced the process of Personal Re-Organization (PRO), over a period of many years and it continues to be extremely effective. All the tools and processes in this Chapter, such as Personal Re-Organization (PRO), Goals of our Lives (GOL), Planning and Prioritizing, the Pie, and the Not to do List, I consider to be Essential Links.

## _Chapter 7_

## **_Motivation: whatever lights your fire!_**

### A PARADOX

Finding the motivation that I require to accomplish my projects presents me with a typical paradox. On The One hand (OTO), I feel more motivated when I have more energy. On The Other hand (OTO), I feel a lot more energized when I am motivated. One seems to follow the other. If one is missing I am left with a serious problem. If I want to get my work done, especially work that is creative and original, I must find the creative "fire" that I need.

### THE CIRCULARITY OF MOTIVATION

As with most processes, the paradox of motivation is also circular in its progression: the more energy we have › the more motivated we become › the more motivated we become › the more creative we may be, and so on.

### SOME QUESTIONS

Do you have:

• Days when you don't feel like working?

• Days when you don't even feel like getting out of bed?

• Days when you are dragging yourself around all day, without accomplishing anything really worthwhile?

• Days when you would much rather be doing something else?

I am not talking about depression or disease here; I am simply talking about lack of motivation. I am talking about days when we are not able to do our job properly, even though we are supposed to perform duties or activities that we have performed a million times before. Whether we like it or not, we all go through cycles. There are times when we happen to find ourselves at the bottom of a cycle of energy, or at the bottom of a cycle of motivation. Sometimes the two may coincide, and when this happens, we may feel depressed.

### SOME POSSIBLE ANSWERS

I have discovered that usually there is little or no point in trying to produce something truly worthwhile or creative when I don't feel motivated. Most writers will find out, sooner or later, that it is really not a good idea to rewrite or to edit material when their "juices" are not flowing. If they persist, they usually risk doing more harm than good.

### VEGETATING

I am fortunate enough to be my own boss. On those days of poor energy or low motivation, I have learned to give myself permission to rest, to recuperate and to escape, for as long as I need to do so. Preferably, I try to find escape in activities that are more creative than harmful. Once my energy and motivation come back, I am almost always able to do everything that I had intended to do, and to do it well and creatively. On the other hand, when I try to force myself into action, I find that I usually end up making a lot more mistakes than usual. I find that I become easily distracted, that I keep ending up against "dead ends," that I keep "losing myself" in escapist activities (such as spending unnecessary time on the Internet) and, when all is said and done, that I have ended up wasting a lot of very precious time.

You may ask: "but what if we are not our own bosses and we have schedules to meet and others to please?" There are times when even I have to report to others. There are times when even I have deadlines to meet. When this is the case, I don't have the leisure to do as I please, and I have to make some compromises. These are the times when I need to practice some alternative strategies such as Minimizing the Damage (MTD). There are times when I try to proceed by Baby Steps (B/S) and with Salami Slices (S/S).

When I have low energy and I have to continue to work even if I do not feel motivated, I try to eliminate any work that is not urgent. I take as many breaks and mini-siestas as I need. I try to go outside, as often as I can, even if it is only for a few minutes at a time. I may try to call one of my close friends and have a Heart-to-Heart conversation: this usually cheers me up and energizes me for the next several hours. Alternating between intellectual activities and physical ones is also a strategy that works well for me. I find that for me, one of the most reliable sources of instant motivation is to take care of my house plants.

### CREATIVE BEATING AROUND THE BUSH

Creative "beating around the bush" is a process that I allow myself to utilize when I find that I keep procrastinating... when I feel that the **resistance** to accomplishing some tasks is increasing. Creative "beating around the bush" also works when I have low energy, or on the very rare occasions when I feel depressed. In cases such as these, I usually have a tendency to avoid doing what I need to do. I am constantly tempted by other tasks and by other activities. I have discovered that if I allow myself to work on the tasks by which I am tempted, I usually end up accomplishing them, one after the other, even if they are not urgent. This is because these tasks are usually easier, and they require less time to accomplish. Having made progress on a series of smaller tasks, I usually find that I have gotten myself mobilized. I feel that I am starting to be filled with satisfaction. I derive this satisfaction from the knowledge that I have not wasted my time, and from the knowledge that I have managed to create "room" in my future schedule.

### AN IMAGE: LIGHTING A FIRE

Trying to light our "inner fire" of motivation is similar to lighting a real fire. Those who have sufficient experience know that it is much easier to get a fire going by using a sufficient quantity of dry "small-wood." If we have used a sufficient quantity of dry "small-wood" it will be easier for the larger pieces to get going. This is also true about the process of creative "beating around the bush." For example, I have discovered that **preparatory work** is usually extremely motivating. This is especially motivating when I have low energy and I am not in the mood to get started on some particular project. Preparatory work may consist of setting out the files and any supporting documents which I am going to work on later. It may involve getting out the tools and the materials for some renovation job in which I am involved around my home.

If I am going on a trip, whether it is a short day-trip or a journey of several days, I like to start to prepare my trip a few days in advance. I may begin to select some of the clothes that I may want to wear and by getting out some of the material that I am going to be taking along. If I am going on a short shopping trip, I may start to make a reasonably accurate list of all the places at which I am going to stop, and of all the items that I may wish to buy. At times like these, I tend to proceed by Baby Steps (B/S) and with Salami Slices (S/S). I tend to alternate back and forth (BAF) between preparatory work and the tasks in which I am already involved.

### CREATIVE ESCAPE

If I truly feel the need to escape for a while, I try to do so in activities and in ways that are more creative than harmful. Take the Internet for example. Because I am quite capable of being disciplined, I usually allow myself to surf the Internet only when I absolutely have to do so and usually only for limited periods of time. Rather than go on the Internet whenever I feel like it, I like to create a list of topics in which I am interested, or about which I may want to do some research. When I actually feel the need to escape, I take out this list and I allow myself to surf the Internet for as long as I feel the need to do so. I call this the process of "getting it out of my system." This is one of the most basic and of the most essential processes from which I benefit. I will describe this process in much greater detail in my next books.

### THE PROCESS OF SUBLIMATION

The secret of creatively "beating around the bush" is that there is a process of "sublimation" that is taking place. This is a process that allows us to accomplish a bunch of other tasks in exchange for not dealing with the tasks which we are resisting. The part of our Total Self that was resisting is contented because we have allowed it to procrastinate. The part of our Total Self that needed to be productive is rewarded by getting tasks accomplished and by creating "room" in our future schedule.

### OUR DANCE (WITH OUR CREATIVE SUBCONSCIOUS AND WITH THE UNIVERSE)

The process of creative "beating around the bush" is very much a part of our "dance" with our creative subconscious and with the universe. In the fullness of time, we are able to become progressively more familiar with our own processes, and with how our "dance of creativity" operates. We become active and conscious parties to our own processes and to our "dance." There is a mutual trust and "understanding" that develops between all the "parties" involved. I call these conscious and subconscious parties my Inner Characters. If we honor our processes, our Inner Characters and our "dance," they will in turn, honor and respect our schedules, our deadlines and our commitments.

As we continue to deepen our relationship with our "dance of creativity," our trust and our mutual understanding with our processes will deepen. Consequently, we will be able to reap benefits in all aspects of our lives. In the process of creatively "beating around the bush" we will usually end up accomplishing « all that was absolutely essential for us to accomplish » and to do so in the time required. I am becoming a happier and healthier human being with every additional year of respecting and honoring my processes and my "dance." I am also becoming more productive and more creative, especially as a writer.

### REVERSE PSYCHOLOGY

Another "trick" that I have learned to use when I feel too much resistance is to give myself permission to stop and to get back into it later, or at another date. Just as often as not, very shortly after I have given myself permission to stop, I find that my resistance to the task has disappeared, more or less completely. Eventually I discover that I have the energy and the motivation to continue: energy and motivation that I did not have before. I suspect that this happens because, by giving myself permission to stop, I have taken a whole bunch of pressure off my Total Self. Consequently more energy is now available to me because the pressure has lifted. To use an image, having taken a "load of bricks" off my shoulders, I am now able to carry the rest of the load with much more ease.

The secret of this process lies in the fact that, in the past, I have repeatedly and consistently honored my permission to stop...by **actually** stopping! By having done so, and done so repeatedly, my creative subconscious is able to believe me and to trust me. As a matter of fact, our "dance" needs to be based on the integrity, on the trust and on the mutual respect of the "parties" involved.

### SIMMERING AND PERCOLATING

As we have already seen, in our industrialized and increasingly technological societies, most of us are assaulted almost every day by an absolutely fantastic amount of information. Far too many of us are also driven by unreasonable demands and by increasing competitiveness. As a result, many of us need to work harder, faster and smarter, just to keep up with the competition and to preserve our jobs. Most of us feel rushed and over-stressed, almost every day. We dream of retirement. However, by the time retirement arrives, most of us have forgotten how to allow ourselves to enjoy "being" rather than "doing." If we are not involved in a project or in a cause, we do not usually feel useful or worthy.

Eventually, because of the accumulation of all the pressure (caused by the excessive and unreasonable demands placed on us), our creative subconscious becomes ready to "crash" and it demands a break. It does this by lowering our energy and our motivation. This causes our systems to become lethargic and somewhat depressed. Why fight it? Why not be reasonable and give our creative subconscious a chance to rest and to "simmer and percolate?" Why not give our subconscious the time that it needs to digest all that it needs to digest? I have learned from experience that if I allow myself to rest and to take breaks from my work and from my projects, my energy and my motivation will eventually return. Then, I will be able to produce work that is consistently good, creative and original. If I do not allow myself to take breaks and to rest sufficiently, I will eventually and inevitably "burn out" and crash.

As we have seen in Chapter 5, the process of "simmering and percolating" is one of the essential processes required in our "dance" with our creative subconscious and with the universe, and it is therefore an Essential Link. I stress here the word _creative_. By creative, I am referring to work that is useful, practical and beneficial; work that will enrich us, inspire us and entertain us. When we do not allow sufficient time for our natural and organic processes to take their course, we may continue to produce. However, the quality and the usefulness of the product may suffer, and the human beings involved may suffer as well. On the other hand, if we give sufficient time for our creative subconscious to "simmer and percolate," we will allow for better ideas to mature and for good stories to evolve. Sometimes, these ideas and these stories may evolve in ways that may be quite surprising. They may evolve in ways that may be even more creative than expected: we may even come to feel that there is some kind of "magic" in this process.

### HONORING OUR CYCLES

In our modern and increasingly competitive societies, we are all too often expected to produce more and more and to accumulate more and more: whether it's money, power, influence or whatever else. Generally speaking, it appears to be a case of "the more the better" and of the numbers "having" to keep getting bigger and bigger. When referring to a looming economic recession, I have heard some business people state with determination that they are going to "sit this one out." Often this is just a case of not accepting the reality that economies have cycles (just as human beings do) and that the numbers cannot always keep getting bigger and bigger.

As authentic and whole human beings, we need to become mature enough to be able to accept and honor the cycles of nature, of life and of our Total Selves. By practicing the process of self-awareness with increasing consistency, we will be able to become progressively conscious of the many cycles in which our Total Selves are involved. These may be cycles of energy, motivation and creativity. They may be cycles that relate to other aspects of our Total Selves, such as our libido. Eventually, we may even become able to know (with increasing ease and certainty), the direction of the cycles in which we are already involved. We will be able to know whether we are on the way up, down or sideways; whether we are bottoming out or whether we are peaking.

The more we tend to honor and to respect the cycles in which we are involved, the less volatile and extreme these cycles will tend to become. The better we get at "going with the flow" of our cycles, the better results we may expect. Our creativity and our productivity will flow more readily and much more steadily. If we choose to honor and to respect our own cycles and the cycles of life, the rewards will be practically limitless.

### EXCUSES

Most of us are able to find excuses for almost anything we wish to avoid. One of our main excuses is that we have jobs and that we have bosses or clients to satisfy. The fact remains that, even if we work eight hours a day or more; even if we work four or five days a week or more, our evenings, weekends and holidays are ours to do as we please. Even if we have children to "chauffeur" and to supervise, we do have the choice of how to utilize the time that we spend with them. We may choose to be intimate and to have as much fun with our families as possible, or we may choose to be emotionally absent. We may choose to listen to them and to their needs, or we may choose to escape on the Internet, in TV or in something else.

We may choose to be lazy, or we may choose to keep fit and to exercise. We may choose to stay up late, or we may choose to go to sleep early. We have the freedom to choose whether to spend our weekends in shopping malls or at cocktail parties. We also have the freedom to choose whether to spend our weekends resting, recuperating and nurturing ourselves. Ultimately, we have the freedom to choose which is more important: our money, or our time and our Total Selves.

### LOWERING OUR EXPECTATIONS

If we should decide that our time is more important for us than money, and that our self-transformation is even more important than trying to impress others, we may need to lower our expectations. By this I mean that we may have to accept to make less money and accept that our careers may not go as far. Having been driven by competitiveness and by materialistic pursuits for a long time, it is not easy for us to learn to become satisfied with less. However, once we learn to do so, the rewards are practically limitless. Instead of becoming a lot richer materially, we may become infinitely more creative, a lot happier, a lot healthier, a lot freer, and... we may have a lot more fun! Not a bad deal.

In the human potential movement there is a maxim that is often quoted and which goes something like this:

_" In order to feel truly prosperous... we need to be satisfied with what we already have."_

In my own experience, lowering my expectations has in no way led to a reduction in the quality of my life, or of the pleasure that I derive from it. On the contrary, I have never felt more prosperous, more satisfied or freer. I have discovered that most of the activities in which we are involved can become just as creative as we dare make them. We may derive just as much fun and pleasure from "ordinary" activities as from many activities that may cost a lot more money. Eventually, I have learned to slow down and to "savor" more and more of the activities in which I am involved. I have learned to give value and to find satisfaction in what I already have. Only a few hours ago, I was tempted to buy a few more CDs on the Internet. However, I remembered just how many CDs I already own. I own CDs which I have not had a chance to listen even once, and I own dozens of CDs that I have not played in many months.

Take holidays for example. Is it essential for me to travel to an exotic place on the other side of the planet to feel that I am on a holiday? Do I absolutely need to create excitement in my life by seeking adventure and escape in travel or in mood-altering substances? Or am I able to find adventure and excitement in the creative activities in which I am involved at home? If we need some excitement in our lives, why not allow ourselves to turn any major mistakes, accidents or crises into an adventure? To do so, all we really have to do is to change our attitude and, perhaps, our point of view.

Another maxim that I have heard more than once (and that I have allowed myself to modify a little) is:

_" Some of the best things in life are free... or almost."_

Personally, I find that this is very true, especially since I have learned to allow myself to fully enjoy and savor the simple pleasures that life has to offer us. There are many pleasures that we may maximize or amplify, simply by changing our attitude and the way in which we approach them. Take food, for example: I consider that food is one of the greatest pleasures of our lives. Are we taking the time to eat slowly and deliberately, or are we rushing through our meals? Do we allow ourselves to chew our food slowly or do we gulp it down? Do we allow ourselves to savor every morsel of our food, or do we allow ourselves to become distracted?

### SMELLING THE FLOWERS ALONG THE WAY

To what extent are we allowing our own bodies to be a source of pleasure? Are we allowing ourselves to fully enjoy all the various ways in which our bodies can be a source of pleasure to us?... or are we ashamed of our bodies and more prone to accept pain than pleasure? Are we allowing ourselves to slow down sufficiently in order to savor our pleasures, even though these pleasures may be generated from activities that we may consider "quite ordinary?" Are we allowing ourselves to be creative with activities that are readily available to us and that are free, such as eating, drinking, sleeping or taking a hot bath or a refreshing shower?... or have we become snobbish about them and reduced them to predictable routines?

Take sex, for example: how do we practice sex with our partner? Has making love become routine? Do we practice sex with love and affection or has it become a routine way to release tension? Do we dare to explore new ways? Do we dare go beyond what we have done in the past, or are we stuck in the same patterns? This may apply to sex as it may apply to many other aspects of our lives. Take music, for example. Is the radio constantly on, and has the music become just another background noise?... or do we allow ourselves to play our favorite discs and to dance to the music... whether by ourselves, or with our partner?... whether in the kitchen, or in the living room?... even if only for a few moments?

### SIMPLE PLEASURES

Here are a few of the simple pleasures of life that I have learned to enjoy and to savor as fully as I can, even though they may appear to be quite ordinary:

• The air we breathe.

• The water we drink.

• A walk or a jog in nature.

• Practicing yoga or another form of exercise.

• Dancing in the kitchen.

• A warm hug from someone I love.

• Exchanging a massage with my lover or with a friend.

• A starlit night.

• Meditating with the full moon.

• A sunny day.

• A green light in rush hour.

• A random act of kindness, given or received.

• A warm smile.

• A fresh breeze on my face...

It may be quite obvious that the air we breathe may be free; what may be a lot less obvious is the extent to which we allow ourselves to enjoy and to savor this simple pleasure. Anyone who has suffered from any form of respiratory disease, such as bronchitis, asthma or emphysema, may learn to appreciate just how precious our breath is. Anyone who lives in a very large urban centre where there may be excessive pollution or smog, may also learn to appreciate the simple pleasure of breathing fresh air.

In my youth, there were times when I suffered from bronchitis or asthma. When I was a teenager I became a chain smoker. I consider myself truly fortunate that I did not develop emphysema and that I was able to quit smoking more than twenty-five years ago. The fact that my lungs have fully recovered is practically a miracle. I am a Yoga teacher and I practice and teach many forms of breathing exercises. It is mostly by practicing these on a daily basis that I have been able to cure my lungs completely and to develop a healthy breathing habit. In our extremely busy daily lives, most of us tend to accumulate stress to at least some degree. Most of us also end up blocking our breathing, at least to some extent; we usually tend to do this unconsciously. One of the basic forms of breathing that we may learn from Yoga is deep abdominal breathing. This is one of the ways by which we may learn to keep breathing fully, and to keep doing so all day long, without blocking our breath.

### ELIMINATING BAD HABITS AND INFLUENCES

### SHOP TILL YOU DROP?!

In our society, shopping has become one of the major forms of activity and of escape. Let's ask ourselves whether we need to produce so many automobiles and whether we need to change them so often? As far as I am concerned, we are now able to produce cars that may easily last for fifteen years or more. So why is it that so many of us insist on buying a new car every three or four years?

Do we really need to buy so many clothes? Do we buy clothes because we truly need them or because fashion dictates that we change styles every so often? Personally, I no longer care whether I am fashionable or not. I buy clothes that are comfortable, attractive and that will last me for a long time. Most of the time I buy clothes in discount stores or I buy them second hand. Often I wonder why the previous owner found it necessary to dispose of them.

### PASSIVE ACTIVITY VS. ACTIVE PASSIVITY

One of the great contemporary Yogis of the East was invited to tour North America. At a press conference he was asked what surprised him most during his tour. He answered: "I am surprised by how much time people waste." Some of the members of the press found this answer difficult to understand, because in our society we are always trying to be so busy and so productive. As many others, I have eventually discovered that there is a huge difference between being busy and being productive. I also discovered that there is a great difference between being productive in a creative way, and being productive in ways that may be wasteful or even harmful.

Many of the activities in which we are engaged may require a great deal of physical or mental energy. To a casual observer, we may appear to be very active. However, if we allow ourselves to examine many of these activities a little more closely, we may come to a far different conclusion. This is especially true if we examine the motives driving such activities.

• Are we engaged in these activities because they are absolutely necessary?

• Are these activities truly beneficial to us?

• If we already have all the money that we need, why are we trying to make more?

• Is it because we want to keep up with the neighbors?

• Is it because we are trying to meet the expectations of others?

• Is it because we are driven mainly by our complex of anxieties and insecurities?

• Is it because we have become work-a-holics and we are unable to stop?

All too often people are busy because they are not happy in their own skins. History is full of great leaders who preferred to risk their lives in wars because they were not happy at home. We may find an example of this in the movie based on Rudyard Kipling's famous novel _The Man Who Would Be King_. In the movie, there is a wonderful scene in which a gorgeous native girl is trying to seduce Michael Caine. He almost gives in to the temptation but is "saved" by the timely appearance of his friend, whose part is played by Sean Connery. As he leaves the girl behind, Michael Caine says: "Let's find safety in battle!"

On the other hand there are many activities in which we may be engaged that may appear passive to a casual observer. However, activities such as sleep, rest and meditation are in fact quite essential. I remember a radio phone-in program many years ago, in which a man called to complain about the effects of meditation. He called it "the work of the devil." The caller tried meditation on several occasions only to discover that it was making him depressed. I called the program to let the listeners know that it was indeed possible to feel depressed when we meditate, but that this was not at all "the work of the devil." The man had felt depressed, just as I used to feel, because he was finally able to "go within" and reconnect **consciously** to a part of himself that had already been depressed (unconsciously) for some time.

The truth, as I understand it, is that there is practically nothing that we fear more than to actually look at ourselves in the "mirror" of our souls and to face that which we find too painful or too ugly to face. The book _The Power of Now_ by Eckhart Tolle is an international best-seller and its author has been appearing regularly on prime-time TV. The shows in which he has appeared with Oprah have been watched and appreciated by millions around the world.

As a result of the efforts of Eckhart Tolle, of Oprah and of many others, meditation, introspection and self-awareness are being practiced by more and more people. The benefits of meditation are getting to be better known and more readily accepted around the world. In my own experience, meditation requires a huge amount of discipline, concentration and energy. Meditation is, in fact, one of the most challenging and rewarding activities in which we may be involved.

### ARE OUR RELATIONSHIPS ENERGY BOOSTERS OR ENERGY SUCKERS?

We may also want to take a look at our relationships and see which ones are energy "boosters," and which ones are energy "suckers." Being involved in relationships that are energy "suckers" is, as far as I am concerned, equivalent to frequenting people who are bad influences. Personally, I have succeeded in eliminating everybody from my circle of friends who was a bad influence. It is true that nobody is perfect and that we all have some aspects of ourselves that may be unhealthy or "wounded." I am therefore quite ready to tolerate the shortcomings of my friends and of my associates. I allow myself to tolerate these as long as the relationship does not degenerate into one that becomes codependent and starts to drain my energy. Personally, I expect my friends and my associates to support and inspire me, not to drain me.

If we want to be truly effective in our process of self-transformation and Personal Re-Organization (PRO), we may want to take a look at all aspects of our lives, one after the other. Eventually, we may want to start to eliminate any that are energy "suckers." It may be too traumatic for us to make too many changes in our lives too quickly. We may therefore choose to use some common sense and choose to proceed by intermediate stages and by Minimizing the Damage (MTD). Rather than **eliminate** \- people, aspects or activities - we may just start by **reducing the frequency and the intensity** of our activities or of our interactions. Here is a list of some of the other aspects of our lives that we may consider reducing or eliminating:

• Unwanted interruptions and unnecessary distractions.

• Any activities in which we do not absolutely have to be involved.

• Any social obligations, duties and responsibilities that are not absolutely essential.

• Any activities that may trigger unhealthy or obsessive/compulsive behaviors, such as excessive use of stimulants and mood-altering substances.

• Gratuitous surfing of the Internet, excessive use of TV, etc.

I find that the best guide for this process is Stephen R. Covey's book: _The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People_. In particular, I refer you to his Time Management Matrix. Covey shows us how to avoid and how to eliminate any activities or behaviors that are neither urgent nor truly important (essential).

## _Chapter 8_

## _**The Many Sources of Motivation**_

### THE LUXURY OF CHOICES

The longer I am on the path of self-transformation, the more I realize just how many more choices I have in life. As far as generating increased motivation, I keep discovering new sources of energy and inspiration every year. By now my list of the sources of motivation has become quite astounding. There is an old proverb that says: "When the student is ready... the teacher will appear." We may expand on this by saying: "When we are ready... we will receive." We will receive all that we need and more, as long as we do not take anything for granted.

### DELAYING GRATIFICATION: A TYPICAL PARADOX

Delaying gratification is one of M. Scott Peck's favorite sources of motivation and one for which he has become famous. I am by now quite able to practice this strategy more often, and in more areas of my life. When I was still "driven" by obsessive/compulsive behaviors, it was simply too difficult for me to delay gratification. This was especially true when I was depressed and I was suffering from low energy. In my own case, I would actually allow myself to reverse the process, and I would gratify myself before performing a task rather than after. This worked in a similar way as a bribe would: in the way that a parent may give a sweet to a child in order to get the child to do something.

Today I am usually quite able to delay gratification in order to motivate myself. There are, however, times when my energy is too low. At times like that I revert to what I used to do in the past. I either give myself a little "bribe," or I take mini-siestas during my day and allow myself to sleep longer at night. In other words, I will apply whichever strategy and whichever process I am ready to apply at any particular time. Fortunately, I do not have a tendency to be dogmatic. I am quite ready to utilize whatever works for me. When my energy is at the bottom of a cycle, I am increasingly ready to accept that it is time for me to "vegetate" for a while, and to wait for the cycle to "bottom out."

Delaying gratification, at least in my personal experience, is a typical paradox. On The One hand (OTO), it works extremely well when we have sufficient energy to practice it. On The Other hand (OTO), it may be too hard for us to practice, especially when we feel depressed or when our energy is too low. There are an almost infinite number of ways in which we may gratify ourselves, and we may do so in ways that are not harmful in any way. Take food, for example: sweets and delicacies of all kinds have been used for time immemorial as a way to reward people. In the chapter that follows, I will describe how to make our meals delicious without utilizing ingredients that are harmful to our health. It is pretty obvious that we feel more motivated if we are looking forward to a meal that resembles a feast, rather than to a meal that feels like an exercise in privation.

### RAISING THE SPIRIT

As we have seen in the previous chapter, our physical bodies are an extension of our energy bodies: that's why it is a lot easier to feel highly motivated when we are driven by a lot of energy. It is also a lot easier for us to raise the level of energy in our bodies when we are in "high spirits." "Raising the spirit" is one of my favorite themes in my vast audio-visual collection I have many movies that offer splendid examples of the raising of our spirits. One of my very favorites is _Bound for Glory_ , starring David Carradine, which depicts the story of the famous American folk singer Woody Guthrie.

In this movie, there is an absolutely magical sequence which takes place in a camp of destitute fruit pickers, at the bottom of the great depression of the 1930s. As the sequence begins, we can see just how depressed and hopeless the people in the camp feel. As the sequence progresses, we see a couple of girls playing on guitars. Suddenly a car arrives, the driver of which is exuberantly honking the horn. The driver is a musician who performs on the radio. He is also a union activist who has been trying to organize the farm workers. He gets on a makeshift stage and starts to perform. Soon others join in, and eventually Woody Guthrie takes the lead. As the sequence progresses, more and more of the fruit pickers join in and start to play, sing and dance. As we near the end of the sequence, the entire camp is swept away by the spreading enthusiasm and by the contagious "raising of the spirit."

Another of my favorite movies is _Paradise Road_ , starring Glenn Close, Frances McDormand and Julianna Margulies. The movie begins during WWII as the Japanese over-run Singapore. The story progresses as a group of mostly white women are interned in a concentration camp. The Japanese hate them and treat them like slaves. Many of the women die of malnutrition and from disease. One of them is set on fire and burned alive by the Japanese, as an example for the others! As we watch these sequences, it is hard for us to believe that human beings can be so cruel to one another, or that anyone could survive such treatment.

Eventually, the character played by Glenn Close decides to organize the women into a vocal orchestra. Just as it is a huge challenge to get the destitute fruit pickers to overcome their fears and to get them organized, so it is with the women in the concentration camp. Yet the character played by Glenn Close does succeed! She succeeds in spite of great and imminent danger; in spite of the opposition from some of the women, and in the face of almost insurmountable problems. Once again, just as in _Bound for Glory,_ we get to witness the absolutely magical effects that courage, music and the "raising of the spirit" has on human beings.

When I watch movies such as these, especially if they are taken from real stories that have happened to real people, as in these two movies, my own spirits are raised by their contagious effect. I am inevitably swept away by the unfolding magic. I practically feel "at one" with the characters in these movies. At least for a little while, I also feel that I am a participant in a magical moment in the history of humanity.

The uplifting effects that I derive from watching movies such as these may last for several hours and, at times, for several days. We may obtain the same uplifting effect not only from movies such as these, but also from a great variety of other sources that are readily available to us such as plays, books and music. We may also raise our spirits when we feel the need to do so by exchanging uplifting, inspiring and entertaining stories with friends and associates. Or, quite simply, by allowing ourselves to fantasize about love, romance and success.

### THE TONIC OF ENTHUSIASM

When our spirits rise, we are filled with enthusiasm. This in turn generates the motivation that we require to accomplish what we had found difficult to do before. Most of us are familiar with the fact that "success breeds success." We have probably experienced this phenomenon at least once in our lives. Those of us who have had experience in sales know that there is never a better time to try to close another deal or to find a new client, than when we have just succeeded in doing so. We are still filled with the confidence and enthusiasm generated by our recent success, and we are able to perform at our peak.

I may substantially improve the quality of my life by finding ways by which I may raise my spirits while performing ordinary and apparently menial tasks. There are times when I have procrastinated in doing some cleaning around the house or filing my papers. When I suddenly find that I am "in the mood," I will usually go right ahead and do it. I will also allow myself to play one of my favorite discs and dance to the music while I work. When I take a shower, I usually play some of my favorite music and I chant right along; I may also do this when I am driving. At times when I suddenly realize that I am fantasizing and that I am enjoying my fantasy, rather than censure myself, I allow myself to go right on with my fantasy and to enjoy it to the fullest.

### WHATEVER LIGHTS YOUR FIRE

I have learned that if I feel moved to do something, I usually allow myself to do it, even though the task may not be an urgent one. What usually happens is that I get mobilized, my energy starts to mount, my motivation increases and my "inner fire" lights up. I may now even be able to accomplish everything else that I had intended to do. I am able to do so much faster, much better and usually in a much more creative way. By now, I have learned that there is little or no point for me to try and accomplish anything truly worthwhile if my "fire" is not burning. I might just as well take a short siesta and wait. The added bonus is that we may also have a lot more fun working while our "fires" are burning, than when they are not.

Somebody may ask: "Could it not be dangerous to allow ourselves to do whatever lights our 'fire?'" It may appear that we are allowing ourselves to do whatever we feel like doing, whenever we feel like doing it. My answer is: so what?! What is so terribly wrong about being able to do whatever we feel like doing, whenever we feel like doing it?... as long as we are not doing any harm to ourselves or to others?

In actual practice, it is not easy to allow ourselves to do whatever we like. We can only do so safely if we have gained sufficient experience with this process, and sufficient confidence in ourselves. We need to feel that our self-destructive selves will not lead us into behavior that is self-defeating, harmful or destructive. In order for me not to get into trouble, I had to first "cleanse" my self-destructive self to a sufficient degree. This is a process that has taken many years. As a result of this cleansing process, I am now able to be led by my intuition and by my emotions... whenever I feel that it is safe to do so. Of course, by now I have had ample time to gain sufficient experience and confidence with this process. Also, I have to accept that I may make mistakes and that I may risk embarrassing myself.

Clearly, we need to exercise prudence and common sense. Most of us are sufficiently mature and prudent to practice safe sex. We do not have sex with just anyone, anywhere. We also need to become sufficiently mature in order to start practicing the process of "whatever lights your fire." We may want to start in circumstances and on tasks with which we are already familiar and experienced. Taking too many risks and acting on impulse has cost me a lot of money and has caused me a lot of trouble. Eventually, I learned not to take excessive risks and not to act on impulse. The guiding motto here is: when in doubt... don't! If we are at all able to wait, it is best to be patient and wait. Please keep in mind that there is a huge difference between impulse and intuition.

### WHEN YOU ARE IN THE MOOD... DO IT!

It is quite obvious that it is a lot easier to accomplish things when we are "in the mood," than when we are not in the mood. When we are confronted by routine tasks, we may find that we are not in the mood to do something that we intended to do. If we allow ourselves to creatively "beat around the bush," we may soon discover a whole bunch of tasks and activities for which we are "in the mood." My slogan is: "When you are in the mood... do it!"

I believe that it is really important for us to discover what really lights our own particular "fires" and to do so no matter how strange it may appear to others. The better we get to know just what the sources of our motivation and of our creativity happen to be, the more creatively productive we will become. The more motivated and creative we become, the more completely we will be able to enjoy life and its many pleasures.

### ANOTHER PARADOX

The process of going with "whatever lights your fire" presents us with a typical paradox. On the one hand (OTO), this process may be risky and it may lead us into trouble. On the other hand (OTO), once we have gained sufficient experience with this process, the rewards may be immeasurable. We may be able to tap into our "inner fire" much more readily. We may become infinitely more creative, more productive and, best of all, we will be able to have a lot more fun. Not a bad deal!

### LOVE AND OTHER FORMS OF RELIABLE MOTIVATION

It is quite common for many people to have pictures of their children or their grandchildren around their workstations, as I do. I imagine that for most of us, the love that we feel for our loved ones is one of our main sources of motivation. As far as I am concerned, there are hardly any better sources of motivation than love... except for romance. I am single, and I have remained single ever since I became divorced from my wife many years ago. Being free and single, I may allow myself to become romantically interested in a woman whenever I have the opportunity and the interest to do so. In actual fact, this does not happen as often as one might think.

I am not interested in getting romantically involved with a woman unless I feel the burning desire to do so. On the rare occasions when this does happen, I allow myself to be transported by the romance and by the excitement of the situation. I have not really fallen "in love" more than a couple of times in my life. However, on those occasions, the experience has been quite simply divine. We need to be careful not to utilize "falling in love" as a drug and as a source of excitement. As far as I am concerned romance is not a sport and love is not a recreational drug.

The last time I fell in love was only a few short years ago, and from that experience I was inspired to write several love poems. I have not fallen in love since that time. I have not stopped looking, and I have not stopped dating. I hope that, when I am ready to do so, and when the right woman appears in my life, I will fall in love again. The "fire" that was generated by that romance fuelled an amount of creative production that was almost unprecedented, including the poem that follows.

### _WHERE ARE YOU HIDING... MY LOVE?_

_Where are you hiding... my love?_

_I have been looking for you everywhere, and I have not found you yet._

_I am still looking... looking for you..._

_In what, far away corner of the planet, are you hiding?_

_I have been looking for you, for such a long, long time..._

_for far too long now._

_I pass in front of a house... I see a light at a window._

_I ask myself whether you are there._

_I wonder whether you are going to open the window,_

_and if you are... finally, going to show yourself._

_I long to find you._

_I long to take you by the hand._

_I long to play with you, my friend,_

_as when we were both children, in the garden of my aunt._

_Do you remember the wonderful times, we had together?_

_Do you remember when we were so wonderfully happy?_

_Do you remember when we used to run together, barefoot on the beach,_

_hand in hand, each other 's playmates... friends forever?_

Copyright (C) 2013 by Daniel Petra

### SELF-LOVE VERSUS SELF-ESTEEM

I own an audio-cassette by M.S. Peck that is titled: _Further Along the Road Less Traveled: Self Love versus Self-Esteem_. There was a time, many years ago, when I used to listen to this cassette quite regularly, and I have benefited from it immensely. I agree wholeheartedly with M. Scott Peck. I believe that there is a great difference between self-love and self-esteem. Self-love is the love that we feel for ourselves and that is generated deep inside ourselves. Self-esteem, on the other hand, is the love that is generated mostly from the outside. Self-esteem has more to do with ego and with the esteem in which others hold us. Self-esteem is more superficial and fleeting while self-love runs very deep and can be very enduring.

Because others may choose to stop loving us, or because they may choose to hold us in lower esteem, self-esteem is much more fragile than self-love. Self-love is, of course, a lot more difficult for us to generate. However, once we learn how to generate it, we may carry it within ourselves wherever we go and for as long as we will live. There is absolutely nothing that is more important to me than my own self-love. In my opinion, most of the people I know are far too dependent on the love of others. Far too many people have difficulty in generating self-love to a degree that would be sufficient to make them independent from the love of others.

### ARE WE BEGGARS?

You may wonder why we need to be independent from the love of others. It is absolutely wonderful to be loved by others, especially by those for whom we feel particular love and affection. However, their love may be conditional and it may be variable, or it may quite simply be temporarily not available to us. At the present time, I see very little of my children; I do not have a girlfriend, and I live alone in the country. If I relied on the love of others I would be truly "poor." However, over the past three decades I have made it my business to learn to generate as much self-love as possible. Therefore, I feel very "rich," and I am quite capable of waiting for true love to manifest itself.

At the beginning of the book _The Power of Now_ , Eckhart Tolle shares a story of a beggar who has been begging for thirty years. He is sitting on an old box. When a passer-by suggests that he open the box, he discovers, to his immense surprise, that the box is full of gold. This is the way in which most of us have been dealing with love, for far too long. Far too many of us are still "begging" the love of others, rather than trying to reach for it deep within ourselves... where it has always been.

### GENERATING SELF-LOVE

The way in which I keep generating self-love is by doing those things that are good for me and that make me feel that I truly love and care for myself. I try to give myself the love and affection that I would give to a child that I adored. I give myself hugs every day, at more or less regular intervals. I give myself self-massages, and I eat my favorite foods. I love to cook and I cook what I love (and what is good for me). I drink only what I like (and what is good for me). When I take a hot shower, I allow myself to fill with the warmth of the hot water until my skin becomes as red as a lobster. Most of all, I allow myself to savor and to relish every moment and every pleasure of which I partake.

As I am writing these lines, I have been listening to some of my favorite romantic music. On the way back from a recent trip to the bathroom, I allowed myself to dance a few steps in the next room. I would, of course, prefer to dance with the woman I loved, but dancing by myself is quite enjoyable as well. As far as I am concerned, we do not dance nearly as often as we might!

I am constantly treating myself and my Total Self with tender loving care and with deep respect. I am sending an almost continuous message of love to my creative subconscious and to my "inner child." This message of love is so consistent and so thorough, that my "inner child" and my creative subconscious have no doubt about the sincerity of my message of love. As a result, my Total Self keeps filling up with an ever increasing amount of self-love. Some people call this "being lit from within." Please do not misunderstand me: I do not wish to give you the impression that I never have attacks of loneliness or abandonment. Fortunately, these attacks occur less and less frequently and they last for shorter and shorter periods.

I reproduce below a list of my favorite sources of motivation. I have discovered that many of the sources of my motivation are also the sources of my self-love. The more self-love I am able to generate, the more motivated I become › the more motivated I become, the more creatively productive I become › the more creatively productive I become, the better I feel about myself. What is absolutely marvelous about this process is that I am able to have a lot more fun in all aspects of my life. In other words, I am increasingly able "to suck the marrow out of life," and to do so more often. When you feel that you are ready, I invite you to take a little time and make your own list.

MY OWN (PARTIAL) LIST

Dancing | Drumming | Nature | Friendship

---|---|---|---

Good stories | Good food | My plants | Love

Comedy & laughter | Cooking | Meditating | Romance

Diarizing | Siestas | Yoga | Sex

Good movies | Sleep | Exercise | Adventure

My favorite music | Massage | Sports | Martial arts

Those things that are the sources of my motivation are, in many cases, the same as the things that make me happy for their own sake. Activities such as dancing or laughing. Do I laugh because I am happy or am I happy because I laugh? Am I dancing because I feel alive, or do I feel alive because I am dancing?

### SELF-LOVE \+ SELF-ESTEEM = SELF-WORTH

I look forward to those times when I am loved by others, especially by those whom I truly adore and respect. I am also making myself as ready as possible to receive the love of those who will one day be a part of my "emotional village." As far as I am concerned, the love of others is the "icing on the cake." It is that extra thrill that amplifies all the love that I already feel for myself. It is thrilling for us to dance with somebody we love and adore, and far more exciting to be able to feel the added energy and **synergy** that is generated when we do creative activities in a group.

I am looking forward with increasing excitement to spending the coming weekend at a dance workshop with many extremely creative people and dozens of adorable women. Every time I have done this in the past, I have come home greatly inspired and enormously energized. There is always a chance that I will meet a woman who is truly special and with whom I may fall in love. Whatever happens, I will have spent an absolutely wonderful and creative weekend. I will have returned home far "richer" in love, energy and creativity than before. By my own definition: the sum total of the self-love that we are able to generate by ourselves and for ourselves, added to the love and esteem that we receive from others, makes up the degree of our total self-worth.

### UNSTRUCTURED TIME

There are few things in life that motivate us as much as romance (and other such adventures) except, of course, money. Money may not motivate me as intensely as romance, but it has been, until now, more consistent in its power to motivate me. For most of us, money is an excellent source of motivation. I value my free time as much or more than I value money. Once I have enough money to pay my bills and to do what I really want to do, I am much more interested in being able to do what really lights my "fire." The time that I value the most is unstructured time. By unstructured time, I mean the time that is not governed by timetables or by deadlines: time that may last for as long as I want it to last, and during which I may do whatever I am in the mood to do.

### THE FREEDOM TO BE DIFFERENT

Later in this book, I will postulate that in order to be able to enjoy healthy and fulfilling relationships, we need to learn to respect the differences in others. Respecting others and their right to be different also implies that we need to be able to enjoy the freedom to be different from others. I feel extremely blessed to be able to enjoy the freedom to lead the life that I have chosen to lead. A life that is quite obviously quite different from the lives that most people lead.

I do not expect others to lead the kind of life that I do, especially since I have a tendency "to push the outside of the envelope." One of the most powerful slogans that has helped me to endure and survive many situations is:

_" Take what you like... and leave the rest."_

Please feel free to utilize this slogan as far as the contents of this book are concerned and to avail yourself of the freedom to be different. Feel free to be different from me and from anybody else.

### BIODANZA

Several days have passed since I wrote the preceding paragraph. I spent an absolutely magical weekend at a workshop of Biodanza. Biodanza is an extremely integrated form of dancing that utilizes dance - movement - music - gesture - touch - imagination - and non-verbal communication. Biodanza utilizes all these elements and processes in order to make us feel fully alive « in the present moment ». It does so in order to awaken all the creative aspects in ourselves. Biodanza is, in effect, "dynamic poetry in motion." It is probably the single most effective method that I know by which to celebrate life and to "light the fire" in my soul and in my heart.

The theme of this particular workshop was the myth of Eros and Psyche, the marriage between love and the soul. The purpose was to awaken in us "sensual delight" and voluptuousness to the fullest extent possible. Gentle touch is a very important component of Biodanza. Those of us who participated were encouraged to give each other an absolutely astounding amount of caresses and hugs.

I felt that I had spent the entire weekend immersed in a "total bath" of love, tenderness and of such delight that I have never experienced before. Such a thoroughly delightful and empowering experience is very hard to describe unless we have had the opportunity to experience it ourselves. The only other times at which I had experienced anything similar, was when I was able to reach a state of transcendental bliss. I diarized more than twenty pages on what I experienced on the weekend. Several days later, I was still enjoying a very deep state of complete fulfillment. Deep healing was occurring in just about every part of my Total Self, and especially in my heart. I hope that you will have the opportunity to try Biodanza at least once. For more information on Biodanza, I refer you to the following sites:

wikipedia.org/wiki/biodanza www.biodanzasf.com www.biodanza.org

In the previous chapter I mentioned that some of the best things in life are free (or almost). I don't have to spend a lot of money on trips in order to feel that I have truly benefited from a holiday. My weekend experience with Biodanza is an extremely good example of this. The workshop started Friday night and ended Sunday evening. I was required to find accommodations for three nights. Altogether, including meals and accommodation, I ended up spending less than US$500. When I returned home, I felt far happier, far more relaxed and infinitely more inspired, than after returning home from many a holiday that had lasted much longer.

### LIVING MY BOOKS

I take a lot of pride in the fact that everything that I share about myself in _Missing Links_ is something that I have actually lived and experienced. It is therefore important that I share with you that after I came home from my weekend of Biodanza I experienced a "healing crisis." It lasted for at least two weeks, and concluded with a depression that lasted for five days. Since I still have to heal a significant portion of the wounds and traumas that I suffered in early childhood, I fully expected to experience a "healing crisis."

When I returned home, I had been quite prepared to take several days to rest and to recuperate. I had also accepted that I probably would not be able to do much work for the next week or so. The healing that I received from Biodanza was working at a far deeper level and lasted far longer than I had expected. The depression that concluded the "healing crisis" was far deeper than any I had experienced in recent years.

While it was not at all pleasant to experience, this depression was actually good news. This was so because I had been able to connect to a deeply wounded part of myself to which I had not been able to connect before. I allowed myself to accept and to experience this depression **in full consciousness.** By doing so, I was able to generate significant healing in a part of myself that I had not been able to heal before. Consequently, when the depression lifted, I felt much better than I had ever felt before. My energy and my motivation were much stronger than before. Since that time, I have been back to Biodanza and I have been totally uplifted and inspired by it, as usual.

## _Chapter 9_

## **_Energy: can we run on empty?_**

### FILL'ER UP... P-L-E-A-S-E!

In the previous chapters, I have shared about the circularity of motivation. Basically this means that we can perform far more creatively and far more effectively when our energy and our motivation are high. I saw a good example of this a few days ago by watching the movie _The Pursuit of Happiness_ , starring Will Smith and his son Jaden. The movie is a wonderful example of the "raising of the spirit," and is based on the true story of legendary stockbroker Chris Gardner and his son. They hit the bottom of financial despair when they were evicted from their apartment and were forced to seek refuge in a hostel. Chris Gardner must have been able to enjoy an amazing degree of energy in order to be able to survive and to accomplish what he did. I never experienced anything like that level of energy while I was getting out from the bottom of my own cycle of despair.

Far too many of us utilize stimulants and other artificial means in order to get through our days. Most people start their days by drinking coffee or tea. If we utilize stimulants and other artificial means, we may end up doing far more harm than good to ourselves. Many of us are addicted to "comfort foods." In the long run, we may end up emptying ourselves of energy at deeper and deeper levels. Unfortunately we may not become aware of the damage that we have been causing ourselves, until we become depressed or ill.

When I was a teenager, my first addiction was to coffee. Later I added tobacco and alcohol. Eventually, I consumed so much of these substances that I could not conceive of getting through the day without them. I have not used any of these substances for thirty years or more. More than ten years ago, when I was extremely active in martial arts, I abused ginseng in order to have more energy. I stopped abusing ginseng long ago. At present, I am not using any artificial means in order to boost my energy.

I am my own boss and, unless I have some urgent deadlines to meet, I can afford to rest for as many days as necessary. For those who have to work every day at jobs that are very demanding, the question is: "How can we get through our days without using stimulants or other artificial means?" To learn to do so is not easy, especially in the beginning. However, if we are persistent and if we are willing to utilize the processes and the tools that I share in this book, this becomes quite possible. I recommend that we proceed « slowly, gradually and progressively ». As with most cases involving behavior-modification, I recommend that we start by Minimizing the Damage (MTD) and that we proceed by Baby Steps (B/S) and in thin Salami Slices (S/S) of time.

### WHERE TO FIND THE ENERGY

In the previous chapter, I shared with you the many ways in which we may find motivation. Now, I will share with you the many ways in which we may generate the energy that we require, and how to do so by utilizing only natural and organic means. Our energy will circulate much more freely through our systems if our systems are clean and if there are few blockages in the path of our energy. The cleaner we are able to keep our systems, and the fewer blockages and restrictions we place in the path of our energy, the more energy will be available to us. There are many processes that are available to us such as intestinal cleansing, colonic irrigations and various naturopathic cures, remedies and diets.

To be able to enjoy good energy consistently, we need to be in good health and we need to be able to maintain it. Because human beings are extremely complex, our good health depends on many factors. We need to take constant care of all aspects of our extremely complex Total Selves. We may start by trying to progressively diminish the amount of toxic substances that we ingest. « Slowly, gradually and progressively » we can make our diets as healthy and as clean as possible. We have probably all heard by now that, "We are what we eat." I would like to add, "and we are what we drink."

### MAINTENANCE DIETS

An absolutely fantastic amount of material and programs of all kinds have been developed in order to help people lose weight and eat better. I have myself benefited immensely from some of the above and little or not at all from others. I have discovered that for any diet to work effectively and consistently, over a long period of time, it has to be:

**Realistic, responsible, reasonable and economical = practical**

These qualities and characteristics apply not only to our diet. They may apply to any and all processes that we choose to utilize in order to heal our Total Selves.

**Realistic:** means that a process or a diet needs to work consistently over the long-run. For example, our diet needs to be delicious and thoroughly satisfying, or we will not be able to "stick" with it. In the case of a reducing diet, we must not expect it to work for us too quickly. This implies that we need to apply some common sense. Just think of how long it has taken us to gain all our excess weight and for how long we have tried to get rid of it.

**Responsible:** means that we are ultimately responsible for our own health, happiness and well-being. It means that we, and we alone, will ultimately suffer the consequences of our own actions. This is true even when such responsibility may be shared, and even though we may be receiving the best care available. Just as we are responsible for the consequences of our decisions and of our actions, health professionals are responsible for their own decisions and for their own actions. That's why we have the right to sue them for malpractice.

As far as our health is concerned, most of us know that: "An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure." However, I have observed that most people do not utilize prevention sufficiently. This appears to be quite true as far as our health is concerned. This is why I intend to emphasize prevention as much as possible. I also intend to show how we may practice prevention on a daily basis: in all areas of our lives, including our diet. Being responsible also means that we need to do our best to avoid doing ourselves and our health any unnecessary harm.

**Reasonable** : means that whatever we attempt, needs to be tailored to our own particular needs and to our own capacities. This applies also to our diet. Reasonable means that we need to avoid punishing ourselves by trying to do too much or by trying to proceed too quickly. Reasonable also means that we try to lower our expectations. We may also try not to waste our precious time and energy by being perfectionists. Please keep in mind that what may work for somebody may not work as well for somebody else. What may have worked well for us in the past may not prove to be quite as effective in the future.

**Economical** : this is a word that is quite popular with teachers of martial arts. It means that we try not to waste any unnecessary energy or time in the execution of our tasks. It also means that whatever we attempt must respect our budgets of money, time and energy. This applies also to our diet. We also need to be wise enough to respect our **emotional capacity** , and our ability to deal with whatever we are trying to accomplish.

**Practical:** this is a word that has become one of my own favorites. It sums up and encompasses all the qualities and all the benefits derived from being Realistic, Responsible, Reasonable and Economical. As far as my own self-transformation is concerned, I no longer allow myself to be fascinated by what is not practical. I am no longer interested in what I cannot incorporate economically into my own life, because:

_" If it isn't practical... what good is it?"_

I may, of course, allow myself to "play" with concepts and with processes that are not practical, just as scientists and artists may do. When I do so, I do it mostly for the purposes of nurturing my creativity and boosting my motivation. I may also allow myself to be distracted by concepts or by processes that are not practical when I feel the need to escape. The healthier and the more mature I become, the easier it becomes for me to resist temptations and unnecessary distractions.

### DELICIOUS, NUTRITIOUS AND SATISFYING!

Can we enjoy a diet that is truly delicious, nutritious and thoroughly satisfying, without eating anything that is in the least harmful to ourselves? The short answer is: absolutely! Can we do so on limited budgets? The short answer is: absolutely! I have been doing so for years. If I can do it, especially with my past record of addiction and obsessive/compulsive behavior, anyone can. Anyone can, that is, if they truly desire to do so: if they are sufficiently motivated or... desperate enough.

### THE SECRET

The secret of maintaining a diet that is healthy, and which utilizes only natural and healthy products, is to make sure that we **do not feel deprived.** If we feel deprived, in even the smallest way, we may end up over-eating or trying to fill our emotional "Inner Void" by any means at our disposal. After many years of trial and error, I have discovered that there is an abundant variety of foods that are **delicious, nutritious and satisfying**. There is a great variety of foods which we may eat without having to place limits on the quantity that we consume.

For many years I have allowed myself to eat an "absolutely unlimited" quantity of fresh fruits and raw vegetables. These are usually referred to as "finger foods" and are served at parties and at social gatherings. Usually at such occasions, they are also served with dips or sauces that are made with ingredients that are quite fattening and not at all good for our health. The trick is to learn to eat these foods without "dipping." To become able to avoid any foods that are unhealthy requires practice and discipline. If we are invited to a "potluck," we may contribute our own dishes and our own dips and spreads. We may make them by utilizing ingredients that are neither harmful nor fattening. I have created many such recipes and I will share them with you in my next books.

Since writing the previous paragraph, I took a break and I went to the kitchen to start to prepare my supper. I washed and cleaned an absolutely huge amount of strawberries and apples, which I cut up and placed in the fridge. Over the years, I have progressively become at least fifty percent "raw fooder." Being a "raw fooder" does me a huge amount of good. Not to mention that I am in absolutely no danger of suffering from constipation. Research has abundantly confirmed the wide benefits of so-called "Garden of Eden" diets. I wish to caution you that some people have difficulty digesting raw foods. What may work extremely well for somebody may not work well at all for others! We need to be **realistic, reasonable and responsible**!

### BUT WHAT ABOUT CARBOHYDRATES?

I allow myself to eat a practically unlimited amount of carbohydrates such as millet, quinoa, potatoes or dry popcorn: without butter! The secret here is that I don't use butter, oil or sauces that may be fattening or harmful. I never, ever, fry any of my food. Potatoes, after all, contain a large amount of water. Carbohydrates and starches are mostly fiber. If eaten dry and without butter, they are not at all fattening; they are however extremely filling and are one of the best ways to satisfy the "munchies."

Because I like to receive as much energy from my food as possible, I avoid canned and frozen foods as much as possible. I don't own a microwave. The good news is that, after many years of avoiding any fried foods, fats, artificial sugars, ice cream or butter, I have succeeded in cleansing my entire system from unwanted substances. My palate has become enormously more sensitive. I am now able to taste and to savor natural flavors in a way that used to be impossible for me to do. To overcome bad habits and compulsions takes time: usually it takes much more time than we would like. The good news is that those who are now ready to do so will be able to adapt to a healthier and more energizing diet more easily, and probably in less time. This is so because we now have the knowledge at our disposal and we can benefit from the example of those who have already been successful.

Please allow me to remind you that there is practically nothing as difficult for us to accomplish as trying to change our diets. We feel a deep emotional attachment to what we like to call our "comfort foods." There are many reasons for this, some of which run very deep. Once again, in my experience the best way to get started is by Minimizing the Damage (MTD) and by proceeding by Baby Steps (B/S) and with Salami Slices (S/S). We are not likely to make much progress if we try to do too much too soon, or by trying to become perfect:

_" We seek progress... not perfection."_

### HOW TO SATISFY OUR HUNGER

One of the basic secrets that I have discovered is to eat a practically unlimited quantity of foods that are bulky and that are very rich in fibers and/or in water. Such foods contain relatively few calories. I am not talking about "empty calories" either! I am talking about the absolutely delicious and practically unlimited varieties of fruits, vegetables, grains and pastas. For example, especially in winter, I used to eat a large bowl of vegetable soup, to which I added a generous portion of Chinese rice-noodles. I like my food to be tasty and quite spicy. I therefore give myself permission to utilize a wide variety of herbs and spices. I find that there is almost nothing quite as delicious as fresh fruit, such as grapes or pineapple, or quite as sweet as dried fruits, such as dates or figs. In the past, I used to add a generous portion of natural yogurt to my fruit.

I have developed a wide variety of recipes for creating dips, sauces, spreads and dressings that are delicious and very low in calories. I have created breads made with millet or rice, and desserts that are thoroughly satisfying and tasty. I have created a variety of soups, salads and other dishes made with rice, millet, quinoa, beans or lentils. These dishes are quite delicious and easy to prepare. I have incorporated many of the basic principles from macrobiotic and raw food diets without allowing myself to become a fanatic. I will share some of my favorite recipes in my next books.

For more about macrobiotic cooking, I refer you to _Macrobiotic Cooking for Everyone_ , by Edward & Wendy Esko. For more about a raw food diet, I refer you to _Survival into the 21st Century_ , by Viktoras Kulvinskas. As usual, you may also find more links on Wikipedia.

### ENERGIZING DRINKS

What we drink may be even more important than what we eat. Because water is absolutely essential for our survival, I always try to have sufficient reserves at home in case of emergencies. Even though where I live the water is excellent, I use a ceramic water filter to eliminate the **sediments** that are contained in water. It is essential to do so, in order to prevent the hardening of the arteries. Every day I try to drink several glasses of filtered water in the morning as well as in the afternoon. I also drink a couple of glasses of my energy drink.

I make my main energy drink by mixing a couple of ounces of chickpea flour with stevia powder and shaking it in hot water. I may also add a drop of iodine or of some other supplement. I also make a variation of this same energy drink by adding to it a significant quantity of spirulina powder. Both chickpea powder and spirulina contain significant amounts of protein. When I travel, I always carry a sufficient quantity of filtered water and energizing drinks. I do so even if I only leave home for less than a day. Whenever possible, I avoid buying canned, bottled or carbonated drinks. All too often I find them unhealthy as well as relatively expensive. On the other hand, chickpea flour is extremely inexpensive.

### THE MAGIC OF COOKING

The love of cooking is one of the greatest and most enduring gifts that I have received from my own mother. When I was a child, I rarely saw my mother enjoying herself as much as when she was cooking. I loved to watch my mother as she prepared our meals, and I used to enjoy helping her in the kitchen. What I have retained from that experience, w-a-a-y deep in my heart, is the absolute love and delight with which my mother cooked. We may witness just such love, "alchemy" and "magic" in the movie _Julie & Julia_, as well as in _Como Agua para Chocolate_. This is one of my favorite movies of all time: a Mexican movie based on the book by famous novelist Laura Esquivel. I never tire of watching it!

### RESISTANCE

I try never to forget "where I came from." I remember back almost thirty years ago, when I decided to become a vegetarian: this coincided with becoming a Yoga teacher. I had little problem at the yoga center because they served only vegetarian foods. The BIG problem started when I got back home. The list of foods and of substances that I intended to avoid kept growing. Often I felt slightly depressed because I would not be able to eat desserts in restaurants. I had to resort to buying fruits at a grocery store in order to satisfy my "sweet tooth."

Today I have absolutely no problem in finding restaurants where I can eat what I like: Chinese, Italian, Indian, Mexican, Thai, Malaysian, Sushi-bars. There are, of course, any number of hotels that have buffets or salad-bars. Why did I experience such difficulty in the beginning? The reasons, of course, are many. We could say that they are all part of " **a complex of resistances** " that is rooted in that part of ourselves that is trying to resist change.

The simple fact is that it is hard for us to change any of our behaviors. There is almost nothing that is quite as traumatic as trying to change our diets. I have discovered, as many others have also done, that we are very much attached to what we already know. We like to suffer w-a-a-y too much and most of us don't like to get well too quickly! Because resistance is such a complex and difficult subject, I will dedicate a significant portion of my next book to **resistance**.

### PREVENTION

Prevention is one of the basic processes from which I benefit. I try to utilize prevention in as many aspects of my life as possible. In order to maintain a healthy diet, I have learned many ways in which to avoid temptation and to avoid "slipping" from my diet too often. Of course, in order to practice prevention successfully and consistently, we need to do some planning. We also need to be prepared for almost any eventuality. Below I share how to do this.

### THE FREEDOM BAG

Eventually, after much frustration, I decided that I would try to always be prepared for the worst. I would rarely go anywhere without carrying a bag with at least the minimum quantity of the foods and drinks that I could consume safely. I called this my "freedom bag" because it allowed me to respect my diet and it allowed me to avoid eating in places where I did not feel safe. My "freedom bag" allowed me to go to social gatherings without having to suffer from the anxiety of not having enough to eat. As I grew in experience, I was able to reduce the foods and drinks that I carried to a very manageable quantity. I usually left my "freedom bag" in my car to be used later... "just in case."

### CREATING SUFFICIENT RESERVES

One of the basic principles of Personal Re-Organization (PRO) is that in order to create more "free time" for ourselves, we need to do sufficient planning. As far as food is concerned, I try to shop as rarely as possible. I try to buy food in bulk wherever possible. I try to accumulate sufficient reserves at home in order to be able to go for a minimum of two weeks without shopping; preferably for longer. When I used to live on my organic farm, I could go for as long as five weeks without leaving my property.

As far as dry-foods are concerned, I try to have sufficient reserves to last me for at least two months, preferably for even longer. These "strategic" foods may include millet, quinoa, rice, rice-noodles, rice-cakes, rice crackers, crisp breads, pastas, flour, cornmeal, lentils, beans, nuts, and seeds. I also try to have reserves of soup-bases, pickles, condiments, spices, as well as some dried fruits and vegetables. Those of us who have been addicts know about "protecting our supplies."

I try to plan my meals so as to spend as little time as possible preparing foods. When I cook, I always try to cook for more than one day. If the recipe allows it, I try to cook enough to last me for several days. When I make my delicious "healing-cake," I bake enough to last me for at least eight days. I usually have at least a couple of "spreads" ready to serve (a spicy one and a sweet one). This way I always have something tasty and nutritious ready to eat in case I am too tired to cook, or if I run out of my cake.

### ADULT PACIFIERS

Our relationship and our attachment to food runs very, very deep indeed and they may elicit much anxiety. On The One hand (OTO), food may trigger some of our most archetypal fears of starvation and of privation. On The Other hand (OTO), food is connected to some of our strongest attachments to oral pleasure and to sexuality. Many of the emotions and of the anxieties that we experience in relation to food are, of course, subconscious or unconscious.

Eventually, I decided that if it was quite acceptable for a child to utilize a pacifier, it was quite acceptable for an adult to use a substitute that would serve the same purpose. I actually started to do so when I tried to quit smoking. I started to look for a substitute for the oral pleasure of cigarettes. I began to visit the local natural health food store and I bought large quantities of licorice in its natural form. Later, I also started chewing various kinds of vitamin tablets. Eventually I also added alfalfa and spirulina tablets.

### SOME BASIC DIETARY DO'S AND DON'TS

Most of us eat w-a-a-y too much salt. Salt is harmful for our cardiovascular system and may contribute to high blood pressure. Salty foods induce craving for more food. Salted peanuts and olives are a good example of this. In my own experience, I have learned to consume much less salt and to increase the amount of natural fruits and veggies (which usually contain salt in its natural form). When changing our diets it is wise to proceed slowly, gradually and progressively:

_" We reduce... before we avoid."_

_" We avoid... before we eliminate."_

_" We eliminate only when we are... good and ready!"_

### NERVOUS HUNGER

I almost invariably have the greatest appetite in the evening, probably because of "nervous hunger" caused by the accumulation of stress during the day. Knowing this, I like to leave sufficient room for my evening meal. I eat only a light breakfast and lunch: just enough to be filling, to be energizing and to raise the blood-sugar in my system to an acceptable level. My breakfast usually consists of a large bowl of millet and quinoa covered in blackstrap molasses, which is full of iron and is very sweet. My lunch usually consists of a bowl of cooked beans or lentils, to which I may add cooked millet and quinoa. When I am away from home I always carry a bag of almonds or pecans, as well as a bag of dried dates or figs.

In contrast to my very light lunch, my evening meals are the equivalent of a small feast. I usually begin with a large bowl of raw white mushrooms or a large bowl of millet and quinoa. When I cook, I never boil anything and I let my food cook over a low fire for an hour and a half or longer. I follow with several bowls of a mixed raw salad, over which I sprinkle several ounces of powdered pumpkin seeds. This powder is one of my main sources of protein. I usually conclude with a few portions of toasted bread. I eat very slowly and I chew my food very thoroughly. I give myself permission to savor my food and to take as much pleasure in it as possible.

### WARNING

Different people have different constitutions; different body types; different blood types etc. What may work extremely well for somebody, may not work well at all for others! Some people cannot digest well raw-foods. Some people may develop allergies or intolerances to just about anything! Please try not be rigid and not to proceed too fast or to change too much too soon.

### A GIFT OF STEVIA

I have been using stevia as a sweetener for many years. I have benefited immensely from it. Stevia is absolutely not addictive and is derived from a very beneficial plant. It is many times sweeter than most sugars, so that when we cook with stevia we need to use much smaller quantities compared to other sweeteners. Because stevia tastes different from other sugars, we may need some time to become used to it. We may find stevia in most natural health food stores as a powder or liquid. When I travel, I usually carry a small bottle of stevia with a dropper: this makes it a lot easier to add to foods and to drinks. If stevia is not available I utilize honey or blackstrap molasses.

### REDUCING DIETS: A FEW SECRETS

If we are truly ready and willing to lose weight (and if we want to achieve lasting results), we need to be patient. We may need to accept that this process will take years and not months. We need to accept that eating disorders have many causes, some of which may be genetic and some of which may be emotional. Genetic causes run deep and are difficult enough to overcome. Emotions are very complex and they may be quite volatile. Many people find that dealing with emotions is too disturbing and they prefer to avoid dealing with them.

If we want to be able to "stick" with a particular diet, we need to make sure that we do not feel deprived. Trying to switch diets is very traumatic. Many of us have developed a craving for foods that are unhealthy. It is therefore a good idea to start by Minimizing the Damage (MTD). For example, we may try to reduce the quantity of fried foods that we consume, even if only by infinitesimal steps. For example, we may give ourselves permission to eat just one less french-fry than we used to. In order for this process to work, we " **contract** " this with ourselves. We do our best to respect our contract. We don't say to ourselves: "Oh that was nothing... that was too easy." On the contrary, we congratulate ourselves as warmly as we can for the teensy-est, most ridiculous progress that we are able to make.

We may try to « slowly, gradually and progressively » reduce the amount of sugar and salt that we consume. We may try to « slowly, gradually and progressively » introduce some healthier alternatives. Alternatives such as fresh fruits, raw veggies, salt substitutes, stevia, honey or blackstrap molasses. Most fruits, vegetables and grains already contain naturally occurring salts. Adding extra salt can easily induce a craving, and we may end up eating more than what we need. We may try to progressively reduce the quantity of butter, fats and oil that we use. Instead, we may try to substitute some dips and sauces that may be healthier and less fattening. We may want to reduce the quantity and the frequency of the "junk foods" that we consume. We may try to substitute dry popcorn, rice cakes, rice crackers or crisp-breads. We may also seek emotional support by joining an existing group, and/or by developing our own support network.

### MINIMUM EXERCISE AND MAXIMUM FITNESS

Whether we need to reduce weight or not, we need to exercise in order to tone our muscles and to keep our energy circulating. **Rebounding** on a round mini trampoline is one of the most effective ways to unblock our energy and stimulate our lymphatic system. I refer you to the book _The Miracles of Rebound Exercise_ , by Albert E. Carter. What is essential is to do the minimum amount of exercise (that each of us requires in order to keep fit), and not to waste our time in trying to do too much. We are not expected to compete in the Olympics. Once again, please remember that frequency is far more effective than quantity.

In the warmer months I try to go for a half-hour walk every day. I also try to ride my bike or go for a swim, at least once in a while. In winter, I like to go cross-country skiing whenever I can find the time to do so, even if only for half an hour at a time. One of my closest collaborators makes the following suggestion: "Perhaps you could mention the 'elliptical.' This is a machine that gives you a similar workout to cross-country skiing... it's great!"

I am a teacher of Yoga and of movement therapies. I have developed my own routine which I practice twice a day, for about half an hour... more or less. I also include some mini-aerobics and I incorporate exercises from several other disciplines. As I have already mentioned, I practice the process of Incorporating all day long. I set my Ring-a-Dingies (timers) to go off every twenty minutes. Every time they go off, I get up, I bend, I crouch, I stretch, I swing my arms and I rotate my head. I exercise my spine vertically and horizontally, I breathe deeply and I do some exercises to relax my eyes.

At my computer I don't use a chair. I use a large fitness ball. As soon as I sit down, I stretch and I do a few eye exercises, before starting to work again. By the end of the day, when I add up all the minutes during which I have practiced the process of Incorporating, I end up having exercised for several hours... without too much effort.

### REST AND RECUPERATION

Rest and recuperation are definitely NOT a waste of time. We need to learn to enjoy and to savor rest and sleep as some of the main pleasures that life has to offer. I have learned to sleep a lot longer at night and to take as many siestas as I need. Some of my siestas may last less than twenty minutes, and others may last for hours. It all depends on what I need. I look forward to rest in the same way as most people look forward to holidays. My days are filled with **mini-holidays**. Research has proven that siestas are very beneficial in preventing heart disease. To enjoy the benefits of a siesta we don't even need to fall asleep. We just need to keep our eyes closed, try to relax and allow our minds and our system to slow down. We can take mini or even micro-siestas at work, at our desks (or under them), in spare rooms, in closets, in stairwells, on park benches or in our cars.

### S-L-O-O-O-W... D-O-W-N

Generally speaking, it may be a good idea to try to "s-l-o-o-o-w... d-o-w-n..." a little more in at least some aspects of our lives. Over the years I have learned not to hurry, unless I absolutely have no choice but to do so. In fact I hurry less and less often. It is much easier to enjoy and to savor whatever it is that we are doing if we are not in a hurry. I have managed to create more time for myself by gradually eliminating my dependence on TV, broadcast news, newspapers and magazines. I also try to avoid gratuitous surfing on the Internet. If we learn to slow down, to rest sufficiently and if we learn to enjoy and to savor every activity in which we are involved, our entire lives become far more enjoyable... and much more fun!

### LEARNING TO GET RID OF GUILT

Guilt may be one of the most insidious emotions and one of the worst enemies that we may have. I will deal with guilt at much greater length in the chapter on emotions and in my next books. For now, let me just say that we need to remember that guilt is often active at an unconscious level. It may have been very active for a long period of time (years or even several decades), even without us being aware of it. One of the ways in which we may become able to recognize that guilt is active is by becoming more aware of those behaviors in ourselves that are particularly self-defeating and destructive. To rid ourselves of guilt, we need to practice the process of self-awareness and we need to learn to forgive ourselves. We may try to forgive ourselves a little more often and a little more readily. I have already shared several ways in which we may practice self-awareness. I will share in even greater detail about it later.

The process of self-awareness has made me realize just how hard I was able to be on myself. As I have already shared, I was able to place enough pressure on myself "to crush an elephant." Some of this pressure came from unconscious feelings of guilt that had been sabotaging me for most of my life. That my self-destructive side was very active was manifested by my addictions as well as by the extreme and unnecessary risks that I was taking: risks that almost cost me my life on several occasions.

### CHEATING WITHOUT GUILT

I feel extremely lucky in that (... eventually) I have been able to overcome any tendency to fall back into habits that are either perfectionist or fanatical. While at home, I pride myself on being 100% vegetarian. I also eat a considerable amount of raw foods. Away from home, I give myself permission to "cheat." Unless I am traveling, I rarely eat in restaurants and, on those rare occasions, I allow myself to eat sushi, sashimi (raw fish) or shell-fish with steamed rice. As far as I am concerned, the trick is to learn to "cheat" without feeling guilty. I have discovered that in order not to feel guilty, I need to be reasonable about my cheating. When I allow myself to cheat, I do so on truly exceptional occasions. When I am traveling, I don't insist on being a vegetarian to the extent that I do when I am close to home. I do, however, try to have at least one meal a day that is fully vegetarian and I try to eat as much raw food as is practical.

### LEARNING TO FORGIVE OURSELVES

Let me just start by saying that it used to be practically impossible for me to forgive myself, until I became desperate. Eventually, I came to the realization that if I was truly serious about changing, I had no real choice but to learn how to forgive myself. The day when I decided to do so was probably one of the most pivotal days in my entire life. I had been sober and clean for more than a year when I found that I was "stuck." I was hardly making any progress at all. It was at this time that I realized that I needed to learn to forgive myself. I needed to start to reduce the pressure that I had been piling on myself. I am not sure that I was even aware of the guilt or the extent to which I felt guilty.

Eventually, I told myself that if it was too hard for me to take off a full "brick" from my load, I needed to try to take off half a brick. If that felt like too much, I could try to take off even less. Perhaps I could start by taking off only a particle of brick-dust. In other words I allowed myself to proceed by tiny Baby Steps (B/S) and in thin Salami Slices (S/S) of time. I did so even though I was probably not even conscious that this was the process that I had started to utilize. As we have already seen, developing the capacity to forgive others and to forgive ourselves is a process.

Forgiveness and self-forgiveness are most definitely Essential Links.

## _Chapter 10_

## _**R*I*S*H* = Responsible - Integrated - Self-Healing**_

### RESPONSIBLE

As we have already seen in the previous chapter, responsible means that I am responsible for my actions and their consequences. I am responsible for any advice that I may accept from others. Responsible means that I am the one who is chiefly responsible for my own health. It also means that I am responsible for all aspects of my Total Self. Since I have started to assume the responsibility for my own health, I have, of course, asked for the help and guidance of many, many people. I urge you to do the same. Many of these men and women have turned out to be quite extraordinary. Some are among the finest therapists and health professionals that we may find anywhere. I consider myself truly blessed that some of these extraordinary people have become my very good friends and collaborators.

I believe that responsible means that we need to practice prevention. We need to practice prevention every day and in as many aspects of our Total Selves as necessary. Responsible means that we will not try to do too much, too soon; that we will try to have expectations that are reasonable and practical. Responsible means that we will try our best to respect our budgets of money, time, energy and resources. It is usually wise, especially initially, to try to deal **only** with what we are comfortable and for which we feel ready. Once we have gotten up to "cruising speed," we may want to try to do a little more.

I speak with the experience of somebody who has a natural tendency to go to excess and who loves to "push the outside of the envelope." While I love my process, I have to let you know that my habit of going to excess has cost me dearly. On The One hand (OTO), it is true that I have learned a lot both from my mistakes and from my successes. On The Other hand (OTO), my path has been far more painful than that of most people. I don't wish it on anybody.

Responsible means that ultimately we are the ones who decide what to do and when. The main reason why this should be so, is that we are the only ones who know what we are truly ready to do. Responsible means that we start to treat that which is most painful, most debilitating and which is killing us the fastest. If we are not yet ready to do that, we deal with what we are ready to deal with now. There is no point in wasting precious time and energy on what we are not ready to face, or on that which is presenting too much "resistance."

### INTEGRATED

As we have seen, our Total Selves are multi-faceted and they are extremely complex. We don't need to be afraid of the complexities of our Total Selves. We are not required or expected to know more than what is absolutely essential for us to know... the rest will follow in good time. Integrated means that we need to integrate any methods and any processes that we may require in order to take care of our own health. It means that we need to integrate from as many sources as are necessary and practical.

_complex problems require complex solutions_

As we have seen in Chapter 4, life, the universe and our Total Selves are extremely complex. Leaving our emotional and psychic selves aside for now, our physical selves alone are composed of an extremely complex and interdependent " **system of systems** ":

• The nervous system

• The cardiovascular system

• The skeletal system

• The muscular system

• The immune system

• The endocrine system

• The digestive system

• The lymphatic system etc.

If we want to develop and maintain good health, we need to deal with all the aspects of our Total Selves. If we want to truly cure ourselves of any disease, we need to deal with more than just the symptoms.

### SELF-HEALING

As I mentioned in Chapter 8, in order to generate sufficient self-love, I need to treat myself well. I need to do so in as many ways and as consistently as possible. Self-healing is one of the main ways in which I try to generate self-love on a daily basis. In previous chapters I have already mentioned some of the ways in which I try to take care of my health. For example, I try to eat as well as possible. I try to do at least a minimum amount of exercise and of aerobics. I try to mobilize my spine and to stretch all parts of my body and to keep them toned. I give myself self-massages on as many parts of my body as necessary. I try to avoid the excessive accumulation of tension, and I practice exercises to relax my eyes and to improve my vision.

I try to practice self-healing and self-love, not only as far as my physical body is concerned. I do so in the emotional and psychic aspects of my Total Self as well. I try to avoid resentments and the accumulation of anger. I try to eliminate the effects of anger as quickly as possible. I meditate several times a day in order to stay as calm, peaceful and as centered as possible. I keep a dream-journal. I also keep journals for every aspect of my life in which I am active: this includes journals for sex and for relationships. If you wish to learn more about self-healing and some of the ways in which to practice natural and organic processes, I recommend _The Handbook of Self-Healing_ , by Meir Schneider and Maureen Larkin.

### SOME BASIC PRINCIPLES

Many of our most creative people and our greatest inventors have stated something to the effect that:

_" Success is 10% inspiration and 90% perspiration."_

If we want to accomplish something that is truly important and that has lasting value, we need to be persistent. I have also learned that in order to make sufficient progress, I need to accept that I will be making many mistakes. I also need to accept repeated failure. This is so, not because I am particularly stupid, but simply because I am human. Because I am human, I have also learned to ask consistently and repeatedly for the help and for the wisdom of others. I have also learned to ask others to share their experience with me: self-healing doesn't mean that I try to do everything by myself.

_" If we are praying for potatoes... we need to be ready to do some digging!"_

Whether we like it or not, whether we are conscious of it or not, whether we are ready to accept it or not, life may be a struggle. In order to change and in order to transform ourselves, we need to make some effort. The effort that we may need to exert may vary depending on many factors. Usually the more challenging the task and the greater the resistance to change, the greater will be the effort that is demanded. Most of us have also heard that,

_" No pain... no gain."_

True, but what I have also learned is that we don't have to make any task or any process harder or more difficult than it already is. In other words, we don't have to suffer more than absolutely necessary.

_" The way out is through... not around!"_

One of the painful truths that I have discovered is that we do not in fact want to get well too quickly. This is especially true if our self-destructive self is active, and if our resistance is strong. When this is the case, we are usually the victims of a process of "self-sabotage." We can find any number of ways in which to escape and to avoid what we need to do.

### EMPIRICAL, EXPERIENTIAL AND PRACTICAL

_Truths are complementary and not exclusive._

Because this is the case, R*I*S*H* takes an empirical, pragmatic and holistic approach to self-healing.

As I have already mentioned, I tend to be empirical in most aspects of my life: basically this means that I will utilize whatever appears to work best for me. R*I*S*H* has evolved over more than three decades of trial and error and of consistent practice. In fact, I have become a living experiential laboratory for all the processes that I share with you. Once a process that I have been developing becomes sufficiently effective, I keep practicing it in my life as often as it is needed.

I have learned to integrate and retain any processes and any practices that I find necessary and beneficial. I tend to eliminate or minimize any practices that I find not to be sufficiently effective or which I no longer need. The key word is **practical**.

As far as I am concerned, for something to be practical it needs to be effective, economical and relatively easy to apply. Given the choice, I will almost invariably choose a process or a product that is easier to apply: one that demands less time and effort.

### BALANCING, REBALANCING AND UNBLOCKING

One of the guiding principles of Chinese medicine and of naturopathy is to discover which of our organs are too active and which ones are not active enough: which parts of our bodies are not sufficiently stimulated and which ones are too stimulated. The process of balancing, rebalancing and unblocking our entire "system of systems" of which our Total Selves are composed, is one of the main processes utilized. The process of balancing consists of stimulating what needs stimulation and calming what needs to be calmed. We may accomplish this by utilizing a variety of homeopathic, naturopathic and Chinese products. We may also do so through acupuncture, acupressure and various types of massages and energy treatments.

### PREVENTION

For practical purposes, prevention means that we need to be **proactive**. It means that we need to start focusing and treating that which is hurting us the most and which is killing us most quickly. If we are not yet ready to focus on that, we may start by Minimizing the Damage (MTD). Perhaps we may prefer to concentrate our attention and our energy on the next priority: the next priority with which we are ready and willing to deal, at the present time. In order to establish our priorities and our state of readiness, we may utilize a "T" chart, similar to the "not to do" chart in Chapter 6.

Responsible and effective self-healing means that we need to practice **prevention** on a regular and consistent basis. We may need to integrate into our daily lives as many of the methods and processes that are necessary in order to be effective. It is fortunate that we may practice most of these methods and processes either entirely by ourselves or with the help of our friends or family. It is also fortunate that we don't need to practice all of these methods and processes on a daily basis. Some of these we may need to practice only weekly, bi-weekly or monthly. Others we may need to practice only seasonally. Some others we may need to practice only once or twice a year. Most of us have heard that:

_" An ounce of prevention... is worth a pound of cure."_

There are far too few of us who practice **prevention** to a sufficient degree. This is especially true when it comes to healing our Total Selves. For example, a very simple, practical and economical way to practice prevention is by avoiding utilizing any aluminum pots, pans and coffee-makers (anything in fact in which we boil water). Some would argue that there is not yet sufficient evidence. However, to my knowledge, the accumulation of aluminum in the brain may be one of the causes of Alzheimer's disease. Yes, steel implements will cost more initially, but they will last longer and they may save us a lot of trouble in the long run.

### HONORING THE CYCLES AND THE SEASONS

As I mentioned in Chapter 7, we need to honor our cycles and the cycles of life; this is especially true as far as our health is concerned. Our "Total Selves" are very much in tune with the seasons and with the effect that the seasons have upon them. Our energy changes as the seasons change. Chinese medicine has recognized this for many centuries. Chinese medicine also recognizes a fifth season which occurs four times a year, "in-between" the other four seasons. Chi Kung is one of the Chinese disciplines that deals with healing and self-healing, and parallels Tai Chi (which is a martial art).

Native people, and even my maternal grandmother, recognized the importance of the seasons. They changed their diets and some of their habits depending on the seasons and on the approach of the seasons. Most of us practice some form of spring cleaning in order to rid our houses of the dirt that accumulated during the winter months. Many of our ancestors used to take the necessary herbs and products in order to cleanse their systems in the spring and in the fall. We need to do so as well.

### DIGESTION AND ASSIMILATION

The process of digestion begins in our mouths. Through Macrobiotic cooking, I learned the importance of masticating our food as slowly and as thoroughly as possible. If we do this, we maximize the pleasure that we derive from eating, and we also maximize the assimilation of nutrients and the creation of energy. In fact, Macrobiotic cooking is much more than an art or a set of recipes, it is practically a lifestyle.

One of the most helpful principles that I have learned from Macrobiotic cooking is not to dilute our gastric juices. I therefore try to refrain from drinking anything at least half an hour before my meals. I also avoid drinking anything until at least two hours after my meals. I very rarely have soups at home any more, except in the winter. When I do so I take a three-quarter of an hour break before eating my next dish. In restaurants I do the same, except that I may wish to finish with a soup, instead of having herbal tea.

### ELIMINATION

My father was a well-respected medical scientist. One of his closest friends and collaborators was the head of the physiology department of a very famous university. One day my father's friend told me: "Whatever comes in at one end... has to go out the other." With this short statement he was able to encapsulate some of the medical wisdom of the ages.

There are several ways in which our bodies eliminate waste and toxins. We eliminate through our breath, through the stools, through the pores, through the tongue, through the tear ducts, through the wax in our ears, through the mucus (the snots) in our nose and by urinating. We need to attend to all these, and we need to make sure that all our passages are clear and operating properly. The most consistent way in which we eliminate is through our breath: this process never stops until we die. Unrestricted breathing is essential in order to oxygenize our cardiovascular system. It is therefore imperative that we learn to breathe properly and freely in order to eliminate stale air and toxins.

It is extremely important that we make sure that the air we breathe is as fresh as possible. When I visit somebody's office or home, I am often surprised by how stale the air is. I am even more surprised and dismayed when the people I visit are people who are trying to live healthy lifestyles and who like to keep fit. The process of eliminating through our breath continues even when we sleep. This is why I try to keep my home and my office as well aired as possible.

Another way by which we may cleanse ourselves of toxins is by getting our bodies to perspire for at least a few minutes every day. We may accomplish this with a few minutes of mini-aerobics; by taking a brisk walk; by doing a few minutes of light jogging; by bouncing on a rebounder; by taking a steam-bath or a very hot bath or shower. Even three minutes of mini-aerobics may start to be effective. Please remember that frequency is far more effective than quantity. An inner dialogue that I find quite effective is,

_" It's not the Olympics!"_

One of the advantages of rebounding is that it is one of the simplest and most accessible ways by which we may mobilize our lymphatic system. Our lymphatic system is part of our circulatory system but it does not have a pump, such as the heart, to keep the lymph circulating. By rebounding we are in fact activating our lymphatic system and practicing "lymphatic drainage" in a preventive way. By doing so we may minimize the risk of blocking our lymph nodes.

### CLEANSING AND PURIFYING

There are many ways in which we may cleanse our physical bodies. Most of us probably utilize several different ways in which to do so. My favorite way is to take "tantric showers," about which I will share a little later in the section dedicated to mobilizing our immune systems. There are also ways in which we may cleanse the effects of our emotional bodies. I will expand on the ways in which to cleanse and transform our emotions in the chapter dedicated to our Emotional Brew.

When I was a child, I noticed that when my father sat down for drinks or for a meal with some of his medical colleagues, they almost inevitably ended up talking about the liver. They seemed to be dismayed by the sad condition of most people's livers, including their own. They never ceased to wonder why our livers become so damaged. They were always looking for new ways in which they could cure them. In order to keep my liver healthy, I take a tablespoon of pure olive oil and I follow immediately with a tablespoon or two of lemon juice in a glass of warm water. I do this in the morning, on an empty stomach; usually twenty minutes after having taken my homeopathic remedies. Another of the ways by which we may cleanse our liver is by doing a liver-flush, as needed. More about this in my next books.

### INTESTINAL CLEANSING

From what I am able to observe, far too many people fail to practice adequate intestinal cleansing. Our ancestors knew only too well that, come spring, they needed to practice some form of intestinal cleansing over a period of a few weeks. They probably also did so in the fall.

### THE PSYLLIUM SHAKE

This is the first type of intestinal cleansing that I learned to practice. I learned to utilize it in order to cure myself of an extreme and incredibly persistent case of candidiasis. As far as I am concerned, the successful practice of natural healing starts with the consistent practice of intestinal cleansing. The "psyllium shake" is the one that I found to be the most practical and the most effective.

The psyllium shake consists of a cocktail of unhusked psyllium seeds, liquid bentonite (volcanic clay) and Grapefruit Seed Extract (GSE). Because the mix has such an unusual and rather unpleasant taste, I learned to take it in about eight ounces of grapefruit juice. It is called a "shake" because the psyllium absorbs the liquid and it congeals very quickly. Therefore we need to shake all the ingredients very thoroughly and we need to drink it before the mixture becomes too thick. For best results, we may take the shake twice a day for about three weeks, on an empty stomach. For more details please ask a counselor at a reputable natural health food store.

### A DIVERSIFIED ROTATION OF VITAMINS AND SUPPLEMENTS

I have been utilizing naturopathic and homeopathic methods for more than three decades. Usually I take a series of vitamins, supplements and other products, either on a daily basis or as they are required. In order to maximize the beneficial effects that I derive from these products, I have developed a **system of rotation**. From naturopathy we may learn that if we utilize the same products for too long, they tend to lose much of their power. This is why I have learned to rotate the products I utilize: I take a series of products from spring to fall, and I take another series from fall to spring. In order not to tire my liver, my naturopath has taught me not to take any more supplements than are absolutely necessary.

Whenever possible I prefer to take my vitamins and supplements in the form of tablets. I do this because I like to enjoy the pleasure of sucking on them. Many of them are sweetened in ways that are quite delicious and not at all harmful to our health. There are, of course, many other extremely effective natural products that we may utilize for prevention. I prefer to obtain them in natural health food stores, from a good Chinese herbalist or from a qualified naturopath or homeopath. I have also learned to take my remedies and my supplements during my meals or during the two hours immediately following my meals. I do so because they are much more readily absorbed during the process of digestion.

Below is a list of products that I may take in addition to any homeopathic and other remedies prescribed by my naturopath.

From summer to fall I take:

• A capsule of ginseng once or twice a day.

• A dose of royal jelly, once a day, in the purest form available.

• Occasionally I suck on bee pollen tablets.

• A capsule of colostrum, two or three times per week.

From winter to spring I take:

• Odorless garlic. I like to take it in capsules, in the strongest dosage that I can find. I like to take one or two of these a day. There was a time when I needed to take more.

• DGL: deglycyrrhizinated licorice tablets; I suck on these once or twice a day.

• Echinacea, as needed; I prefer to take it in a tincture.

All of the above supplements may be effective in supporting and reinforcing our immune system, directly or indirectly.

Throughout the year:

• I start my day by taking my homeopathic remedies on an empty stomach.

• Twenty minutes after I have taken my last homeopathic remedy I take a tablespoon of pure olive oil followed by a tablespoon or two of pure lemon juice in a glass of warm water. This feeds my liver and it is a natural source of vitamin C.

• As a natural source of iron, I add a couple of tablespoons of blackstrap molasses to a dish of cooked millet and quinoa. This is my first solid meal of the day and I find it quite delicious.

• Usually I also take one tablet a day of Floradix Iron Tablets, which contains 10 mg of iron and a mixture of vitamins.

• I take a capsule of Omega 3 fish oil, once a day.

• I take probiotics or prebiotics with or after my meals, if I feel the need, or I suck on a naturally sweetened tablet of probiotics.

• I take a tablet of vitamin B-12 sublingually, a couple of times a week or so.

• Every day I prepare an energy drink by shaking a couple of ounces of chickpea flour and some stevia in a cup of warm water. To this I may add a drop of iodine.

• I take a capsule of vitamin A, at most once a day

• I love to suck on spirulina tablets, especially after meals.

As I said before, in order not to tire my liver, I avoid taking anything that I do not absolutely need. We need to keep in mind that different people may need very different remedies and supplements, depending on a variety of circumstances. When in doubt, it is usually a good idea to consult a professional health care practitioner.

### MOBILIZING OUR IMMUNE SYSTEM

At this time, because of a variety of reasons, the immune systems of most people on this planet are much weaker than they need be. In my opinion, the weakness of the immune system, around the world, may have reached catastrophic proportions. If our immune systems are not sufficiently strong, we are unable to protect ourselves against disease. The danger is especially great now that humanity is confronted by the ever increasing potential of pandemics. These pandemics may be caused by avian flu, HIV, SARS, H1N1 and any number of mutant viruses. Keeping my immune system as strong and as active as possible is one of my main concerns and I do so in many ways.

### TANTRIC SHOWERS

"Tantric" showers are one of the best ways in which we may practice **prevention** , boost our immune systems and keep fit. Tantric showers are a form of hydrotherapy that originated with Ayurvedic medicine and Yoga in India. They have been utilized by millions of people throughout the world for many centuries. We may take tantric showers by alternating hot and cold showers. The heat causes the pores to open and the cold causes them to close. Usually I like to take a series of five showers. If I am going to bed, I like to conclude with a hot shower; if I have to work, I like to conclude with a cold one. If I take a "tantric" shower at the beginning of my work-day, I make the whole process a lot shorter; if I take it at the end of my day, I like to make it last much longer.

The secret in getting used to tantric showers is to avoid any heroics: the cold water needs to be just cool enough to close our pores. It is a lot easier to start with a hot shower, and to allow our bodies to become filled with heat before we take a cold shower. The second cold shower is usually a lot easier to bear. The whole process becomes easier the longer we practice it, and the benefits become greater. For example, it may become a lot easier for us to bear the extremes in the weather, whether it is the cold of winter or the heat of summer.

In Nordic countries they have developed saunas instead of tantric showers. Many people in these countries alternate between the sauna and rolling themselves in the snow. Indoors, we may alternate between the sauna (or a steam bath) and a cold shower. We may do so two or three times. If we take a full tantric shower in the evening, it is a good idea to go to bed early and to get a good night's rest.

### STIMULATING THE ENDOCRINE (HORMONAL) SYSTEM

One of the simplest ways by which we may stimulate our endocrine system is to add a drop of iodine to our drinks, once or twice a day or so. However, we need to be careful not to overdose on iodine. Iodine stimulates our thyroid gland, which in turn helps to stimulate the rest of our endocrine system. Iodine is also excellent in order to protect us from excessive radiation. We may also perform a "Tarzan" by thumping our chest just below our throat, which will stimulate our thyroid. If my thyroid or any other organ needs to be stimulated, my naturopath will tell me. I see her several times a year because she has extremely sophisticated tools by which she can determine what I need.

### SELF-MASSAGE AND DAILY STRETCHING

As I have already mentioned, I love to give myself massages and I do so practically every day. I do so in many ways and I do so with as much love as possible. Sometimes, before I do my series of stretches and exercises in the evening, I massage almost my entire body starting with my feet with a portable machine that is called a "Thumper." We may also practice massage for couples... simply Divine! Before I get out of bed in the morning or from a siesta, I usually like to stretch various parts of my body. If I have the time, I give myself a massage on my feet and on my eyes. When I am sitting on the toilet, I like to give myself a couple of hugs; usually I also massage my head and around my eyes. I have learned to use my bathroom as a **miniature health clinic**. In my bathroom I practice various forms of prevention, massage and hydrotherapy.

One of the most fundamental principles of yoga is that:

_" We are as young as our spine is flexible."_

Keeping our spine healthy, flexible and young is also one of the most reliable ways in which to stimulate our immune systems. Every time my "Ring-a-Dingy" next to my computer goes off, I massage around my eyes very gently and I get up and stretch. I walk around dancing or swinging my arms and rotating my head and my torso from side to side. Usually I also perform a very short series of exercises, bending, crouching and stretching my body up and down vertically. When I do so, I try to breathe as deeply and as fast as I can. When I sit down at my computer, I don't start writing until I have performed a few very brief exercises for my eyes.

### VEGETARIAN SOURCES OF NATURAL PROTEIN

Not everybody is meant to be a vegetarian. Because I have chosen to be a vegetarian, I need to find natural sources of protein other than fish, meat or dairy products. These are some of my main sources of naturally occurring proteins:

• Generous portions of cooked beans and lentils.

• Large quantities of cooked millet mixed with quinoa.

• A powder (meal) that I make from pumpkin seeds. This I add generously to my salads, to pasta, to rice, to millet and to most of my meals.

• Nuts: in order to supplement my diet, when I travel, I usually take with me a plentiful quantity of unroasted and unsalted almonds or pecans.

• The chickpea flour that I add to my energy drinks several times a day.

• Spirulina.

When I became a vegetarian I utilized a lot of dairy products. Doing so worked well for me for many years. Gradually and progressively I have stopped utilizing dairy products at home. As we have seen in the previous chapter. While at home I am 100% vegetarian and I eat vast quantities of raw fruits and veggies. However, when I am away from home I occasionally allow myself to "cheat," and I do so without guilt.

### SEMI-HEALTHY AND INTERMEDIATE STEPS

One of the sad truths that I have learned in the process of my self-transformation and healing is that:

_" We do not like to get well... too quickly."_

This is probably because we have become too accustomed to our pain. There may also be a significant degree of resistance that may be sabotaging our progress. Accepting that this is the case is not easy. However, once we have done so, we may become ready to utilize the many tools and the many processes that I share with you in this book. In my experience, the best strategy is to proceed by intermediate stages. The first one is Minimizing the damage (MTD): this means that we try to reduce the frequency and the intensity of whatever hurts us. As we have seen in the previous chapter, one of the ways in which we may practice this process is to accept that:

_" We reduce... before we avoid."_

_" We avoid... before we eliminate."_

_" We eliminate only when we are... good and ready!"_

In my experience, it is very wise to remember what has by now become a very popular slogan:

_" We seek progress rather than perfection."_

As I have already shared, I have found that it is very effective for us to contract with ourselves to:

_" Do the minimum... but do it!"_

We need to remember to congratulate ourselves for the tiniest progress we make. We don't want to "erase" the power and the effectiveness of the process by saying to ourselves: "Oh, that was nothing" or "That was too easy." Please remember that we have nothing to lose and everything to gain, by empowering and by validating ourselves as often as possible. We also need to remember that our "dance" with our creative subconscious and with the universe works, and it works very effectively. This is especially true when we respect our contract with all the "parties" involved, including our creative subconscious.

### THE PROCESS OF INCORPORATING

Practicing: " **Frequency is more important than quantity** ," has helped me to incorporate into my daily life many good habits, behaviors and skills that I wanted to acquire. I am now able to do so with ever increasing success and consistency. The Process of Incorporating is in fact "a process of processes." Or, if you prefer, it is a "complex of processes" that integrates as many of the concepts, methods, skills and processes that I feel are effective. In my own experience, we may obtain the best results by "navigating" Back and Forth (BAF), between the various tools and processes at our disposal. Most of these I consider to be Essential Links.

_... repetition... repetition... repetition..._

The Process of Incorporating relies heavily on repetition and on reinforcement. So do most of the processes and tools that I share in this book. Repetition is terribly important, especially when it comes to changing old habits. Therefore I don't mind taking the liberty of repeating those concepts that I find to be extremely important for our success. For example, as I am writing this chapter (or any other chapter), I have been using my "Ring-a-Dingies" regularly. I do so in order to practice the Process of Incorporating all day long, and especially to avoid accumulating too much tension in my eyes.

## _AS ONE HUMAN BEING TO ANOTHER_

This book is sold with the understanding that the author is not offering any kind of medical, psychological, financial or professional advice. Absolutely no warranties or guaranties are expressed or implied. Neither the publisher nor the author shall be liable for any physical, psychological, emotional, financial, or commercial damages, including, but not limited to, special, incidental, consequential or other damages.

I would like you to keep in mind that in this book I don't share from the point of view of an expert or a professional. I share the tools and the processes that I practice and that have proven to be consistently successful for me. I do so as one human being to another. Please remember that what may work extremely well for somebody, may not work well at all for somebody else. We need to be realistic, reasonable and responsible. When making changes in our lives, in our habits and in our diets, it is wise to proceed slowly and gradually. We need to do so over a reasonably long period of time: months or years, rather than days or weeks.

I would also like to remind you that the statements in this book have not been reviewed or approved by medical authorities. I urge you to seek the help of therapists and professionals that you trust. I urge you to consult a professional health care practitioner, whenever you need to do so. In conclusion, I would like to urge you to please:

_" Take what you like and leave the rest."_

## **_Part Three_**

## _Chapter 11_

## **_Our Relationships: are they energy "suckers" or energy "boosters?"_**

### PERSONAL RE-ORGANIZATION (PRO)

If we have decided that we want to transform ourselves into the human beings that we really (... really) want to become, we need to find the energy and the motivation to do so. Therefore, we may need to find out which of our relationships are energy suckers, and which are energy boosters. Our relationships are one of the essential aspects of our lives that we may need to examine and to reorganize. Healthy, nurturing, supportive, fulfilling, and energizing relationships are therefore Essential Links.

It is not easy for any of us to accept that we need to eliminate any relationships from our lives, especially if they are very significant and intimate. In my case for example, the time came when I had to start seriously thinking whether I could continue to live with my wife or seek a temporary separation.

Because I had grown up in a dysfunctional and codependent family of origin, I had developed a passive/aggressive personality and I was used to playing the "role of victim." By passive/aggressive, I mean that I had the tendency to swing between being too passive and being too aggressive. I did so because I had not yet learned to assert myself properly and because I was afraid to express and to deal with my anger. I had difficulty asserting myself immediately and appropriately. I had unwittingly surrounded myself with friends and with associates who tended to take advantage of me. When I felt ready to do so, I decided to begin progressively distancing myself from people who were energy "suckers." I will explain what dysfunctional and codependent mean to me, shortly.

### GOALS OF OUR LIVES (GOL)

Far too many of us spend far too much of our time trying to take care of others. We don't spend nearly enough time taking care of ourselves and of our own essential needs and desires. When I had not yet been able to fill my emotional "Inner Void" with my own self-love, I too had the compulsion to find escape in others. When we are not sufficiently "filled up" with our own self-love, and when we are not sufficiently happy in our own skins... we may need to be "elsewhere."

How we deal with our relationships and for what purpose we utilize them, is therefore one of the key Goals of Our Lives (GOL). In order to get rid of relationships that are energy "suckers," we need to fill ourselves with our own self-love. It isn't necessary to wait to be full of self-love before we start to "wean" ourselves away from relationships that are debilitating. We may quite easily proceed on parallel tracks. On The One hand (OTO), we may start to Minimize the Damage (MTD) by spending a little less time with people who are energy "suckers." We may also try to assert ourselves a little more and a little sooner. On The Other hand (OTO), we may try to spend a little more time with people who are energy "boosters" and who are more supportive and empowering.

### A FEW CRITICAL QUESTIONS

In order to decide how we want to deal with our relationships, we may want to ask ourselves a few critical questions such as:

• "How can I avoid getting trapped in relationships that are dysfunctional or codependent?"

• "How can I avoid falling into the role of victim or savior?"

• "Who is going to love me if I keep asserting myself?"

• "How can I accept others, such as they are now, without trying to change them?"

As so many others have done before me, I have discovered that it is very dangerous to fall in love with "potential." By the way, this applies just as well to friends, colleagues, bosses and employees, as it does to our love relationships!

### OUR RELATIONSHIPS AS TESTS OF OUR TRUE SELVES

M. Scott Peck was the much celebrated author of _The Road Less Traveled, The Different Drum_ , and many other works. He believed, as I do, that relationships are probably the best test of our true selves, of our behavior and of our maturity. Each one of us needs to decide what we seek from relationships and how we may best benefit from them. Of course we may have many different kinds of relationships: love, family, neighbors, work, social, political, spiritual, etc. Some may be extremely intimate and close, while others may be occasional or distant. Because of limitations of space I will concentrate mainly on intimate love relationships and on friendships.

When we are alone, we may fool ourselves into rationalizing just about anything we want. We may believe that we have improved our behavior and that we have made sufficient progress in dealing with others. When we are alone, we may believe that we have become sufficiently mature to deal with others appropriately and effectively. When embarking on a new love relationship with a woman, I have often said to myself and to others: "I am as ready as I have ever been!" Each time I said that, I felt absolutely sincere saying it... only to discover, rather quickly, that I still had a lot of progress to make.

One of the most dramatic examples about fooling myself occurred over twenty-five years ago with the young woman who was to become my wife. Our relationship had problems right from the start and there were times when our relationship was quite stormy. During our initial "Velcro stage" we decided to move in together... far too quickly, as it happens. After a year or two, my girlfriend decided to separate from me and to move out on her own.

One day, I spent the entire morning doing my Yoga exercises and meditating. After several hours of this, I felt quite blissful and elated. I felt completely serene and quite content about our separation. Only a few short hours later, I saw my ex-girlfriend in the company of somebody else. In a matter of moments all my inner peace and contentment evaporated. I was filled with an extremely intense "brew" of toxic emotions. I was so troubled that I became agitated for several hours.

### CONFLICTS ARE INEVITABLE

Between human beings who are whole and authentic, conflicts are inevitable. Some of our conflicts may be very minor and apparently ridiculous, while others may be enormous and even tragic. They may range from disagreeing over which movie to rent or in which restaurant to have supper; to which school to send our children; to what kind of spiritual/religious education they are to receive; to what kind of house we wish to buy or to how often we need to have sex together.

If I fail to assert myself, I can only end up hurting myself and others. I have learned that it is far more effective to deal with my conflicts as soon as I am ready to do so. I have also learned to try to resolve conflicts in a way that my relationships may benefit from them. I have learned to utilize conflicts as opportunities to grow and to strengthen our understanding and our trust in each other. Below is a possible continuum of personal conflict:

### ASSERTIVENESS

As far as I am concerned, our ability to assert ourselves appropriately, effectively and in a timely fashion, is essential for healthy and fulfilling relationship. Please keep in mind that we do not have to be aggressive in order to assert ourselves. Assertiveness is essential if we want to be able to express ourselves freely and if we do not want to lose ourselves in our relationships. We will probably have fewer but better relationships.

It is less likely that we will allow ourselves to be victimized if we are able to assert ourselves adequately. The more we are able to assert ourselves › the less we are victimized and exploited › the better we feel about ourselves › the more energy and motivation we will have › and the more self-love we will be able to generate. Therefore the more we keep asserting ourselves › the more self-love we will generate. This is a **circular** and synergistic process. It is also essential that our desire to change be sufficiently strong: that it be "a burning desire." We may also require a minimum of courage:

If we learn to assert ourselves appropriately and consistently, we will attract people who will respect us for being able to assert ourselves: people who are equally able to assert themselves. We will attract people who are much healthier, happier, creative and empowering than those who are not able to assert themselves. Because assertiveness is so terribly important, it will become one of the recurring subjects in my books. As far as I am concerned, **assertiveness** is therefore a most Essential Link.

### CREATIVE AGGRESSION

_Creative Aggression: The Art of Assertive Living_ , is a book co-authored by Dr. George R. Bach and Dr. Herb Goldberg. It is full of extremely practical examples and very useful exercises: exercises through which we may learn to deal with our aggressive nature effectively and creatively. I believe that this may be one of the most important books that we may ever read. Far too many of us have great difficulty dealing with conflict, with strong emotions and with our aggressive nature. Far too many of us try to ignore our naturally aggressive side and try to "get around" conflict. I will deal with creative aggression in greater detail in the next chapters.

### THE FEAR OF CHANGE

One of the deepest fears from which any of us may suffer is the fear of change. We may be afraid of the unknown. We may be afraid that we will end up in a situation that is even worse. We may be afraid of abandonment, or we may just be stuck in the "habit of fear." Some of us may exhibit amazing courage under certain circumstances. Under other circumstances we may be paralyzed by fears or by phobias. Here I am using the word fear in the widest possible sense of the world. Fear is, of course, a natural and a healthy emotion, just like anger is. Actually, the appropriate word to use in this context is **anxiety** , which is usually a toxic emotion.

Many of us may be uncomfortable expressing strong emotions. We may be especially afraid to express our own anger. Some of us may have been deeply traumatized by our toxic families. We may be afraid of doing anything that may destabilize our present relationships... no matter how unsatisfying they may become. To better understand whether a relationship is held together by the fear of change we may ask:

_" Is this a "win-win" or a "won't-won't" relationship?"_

On the other hand, if a couple that we have known sufficiently well and sufficiently long appears to be truly happy and loving, we may ask ourselves:

_" What is the secret of their success?"_

One of the books about love relationships, from which I have learned the most, is the book _The Intimate Enemy_ , by Dr. George R. Bach and Peter Wyden. The authors are specialists in dealing with relationships: they have helped countless couples over many decades. They have discovered that the couples who are truly happy together and who enjoy a truly intimate and affectionate relationship are extremely rare indeed. These are the couples who are able to fight about everything and at just about any time, but who do so **without attacking or hurting each other**. These extremely rare couples consist of people who find conflict as natural as any other function. They have been able to accept their **naturally aggressive** sides and they are able to express them in truly creative and constructive ways.

### DYSFUNCTIONAL + CODEPENDENT = TOXIC RELATIONSHIPS

As seen in Chapter 3, an Oppressive Complex of Attitudes and Behaviors tends to describe rather well what is usually going on in dysfunctional and codependent families. Usually, dysfunctional individuals and codependent relationships involve obsessive/compulsive behaviors and addictions (at least to some degree). Codependent individuals are usually obsessed in trying to change and to control the behavior of others. They are unable to take care of themselves adequately. Instead of filling themselves with their own self-love, they are progressively emptying themselves. They are creating a huge "Inner Void" of emotional starvation. For more information I recommend Melody Beattie's best-seller _Codependent No More_.

### THE CONCEPT OF EMPOWERMENT

I have discovered that, for practical purposes, there are two basic "modes" that dominate our behavior. There are two basic complexes of attitudes which tend to determine the kind of people that we become: an Oppressive Complex of Attitudes and an Empowering Complex of Attitudes.

**An Oppressive Complex of Attitudes** may be composed of some or all, of the following attitudes, behaviors and characteristics:

Closed › Destructive › Hostile › Oppressive › Abusive › Punishing › Conflictual › Unjust › Discriminating › Restrictive › Exclusive › Censuring › Manipulative › Emotionally and sexually immature...

**An Empowering Complex of Attitudes** may be composed of some or all, of the following attitudes, behaviors and characteristics:

Open › Constructive › Friendly › Just › Fair › Permissive › Inclusive › Nurturing › Free › Creative › Respectful › Safe › Rewarding › Cooperative › Emotionally and sexually mature...

Copyright (C) 2013 by Daniel Petra

Each of these complexes of attitudes and their components lie on a continuum. According to the concept of paradox, they may or may not be present at a certain time, or they may coexist quite happily.

### EMOTIONAL STARVATION: OUR INNER VOID

Just as it used to be the case with me, far too many people secretly say to themselves:

_" Better this than nothing."_

In most cases, the reason for this is probably emotional starvation: what I like to call our "Inner Void." Most of us are unable to live by ourselves because we are starving emotionally and because we crave affection. Most of us have a great need to feel that we are needed by somebody. Most of us have a great need to experience the warm feeling of truly "belonging" to a family or to a group. Many of us also feel a great need to live in "emotional community" with others. This need is usually met (to some extent) by the organizations and by the groups to which we choose to belong. Organizations such as churches, clubs, political parties, trade and professional associations etc.

On the one hand (OTO), it is perfectly natural and healthy to feel needed and to seek emotional connectedness with others. On the other hand (OTO), it is not at all necessary to lose ourselves in relationships or to become codependent, unless we absolutely need to find escape in others. Emotional starvation usually means that we are not happy in our own skins; that we need to project our minds and our emotions "outside" ourselves.

For example, when I was a teenager, I was often bored and I suffered from depression. I was rarely happy with the "place" in which I was and I often wanted to be "elsewhere." This need to be (more or less) obsessed with others, usually leads us to play the roles of "caretaker" and "savior." Conversely, it may lead to a need to allow others to take care of us. I will deal in greater detail about these sick roles in the next chapter, which is dedicated to the obstacles to healthy relationships.

### (LESS THAN ONE) PLUS (LESS THAN ONE) = A LOT LESS THAN TWO!

One of the major initial obstacles to a healthy, intimate and authentic relationship is that most of us are not "filled up" to a sufficient degree with our own self-love. Usually a human being who is not quite whole (less than one), enters into an intimate relationship with another human being who is also not quite whole (less than one). Together they form a couple that consists of much less than two whole human beings (less than two).

For many of us, our need to escape and to find solace, consolation and support in a relationship is very strong. Usually we are unable to wait until we are sufficiently "filled up" with our own self-love. This is unfortunately what happened to me when I met the young woman who was to become my wife. I remember that at that time I was not able to live by myself and that I desperately needed a relationship.

### THE VELCRO STAGE: TOO MUCH TOGETHERNESS

In a love relationship, the problems usually develop right from the beginning, in what has become known as the "Velcro stage." This is the stage in which the two lovers are so "turned on" to each other that they want to spend as much time together as possible. While this is quite understandable, what usually happens is that the relationship will proceed w-a-a-y too fast. Because we proceed too fast, usually, we fail to establish proper boundaries; we fail to assert ourselves adequately and we fail to assert ourselves often enough. We begin to hurt each other and quite often we tend to "swallow" emotional hits.

The usual misconception of the "Velcro stage" is that we need to place as much as possible in the basket marked "our couple." As a result we tend to sacrifice ourselves, our needs and our desires. Usually we do so in order to please others and in order to avoid confrontations. This means that we operate exactly under the wrong assumptions. Usually we end up getting hurt and hurting others. Eventually, because we failed to express ourselves and our needs adequately, our anger starts to accumulate. Eventually and inevitably the "walls" gradually start to go up and our relationships become toxic.

### WOUND-TO-WOUND RELATIONSHIPS

Of course, most of us would love to enjoy a truly happy, lasting and fulfilling relationship with a partner whom we love and by whom we feel loved. On the one hand (OTO), most of us would love to be surrounded by good friends who love, respect and support us. On the other hand (OTO), most of us are emotionally starved (at least to some degree). Far too many of us come from families of origin that were dysfunctional and codependent (at least to some degree). We may be extremely productive (functional) and successful in our work, however we may still be dysfunctional in our relationships. Because of our "toxic" origins there is a very high risk that our intimate relationships may be, more or less, doomed to failure. If we persist, we may be doomed to repeat the same sick and self-defeating patterns that we inherited from our "toxic" families of origin.

For more information about the sick and self-defeating patterns with which we may have allowed ourselves to be imprinted in our "toxic" families of origin, I refer you to the best-sellers _Struggle for Intimacy_ and _Adult Children of Alcoholics_ , both by Janet Woititz. Please keep in mind that the characteristics that she describes do not apply only to those of us who originate from families of alcoholics: they may apply to anyone who has suffered from toxic relationships, at least to some degree. When I finally started to attend meetings of Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACOA), I was given a hand-out which I have modified a little and that I reproduce below:

What I call the law of the "cookie-cutter" explains why so many of us have allowed ourselves to be unwittingly imprinted with behaviors and with patterns that are unhealthy and self-defeating. This imprinting is especially deep and especially difficult to overcome when it has occurred in childhood. This imprinting may also occur later in life. It may occur to just about any of us; it may occur either subconsciously or unconsciously. This imprinting may occur not only from love relationships. It may occur from any relationships that involve a certain degree of intimacy and of codependence, whether at home or at work.

### THE STRUGGLE FOR INTIMACY

Far too many of us confuse intimacy with sexual intercourse. Sexual intercourse may be a very intimate act, especially physically. However, it may not necessarily lead to any degree of emotional intimacy... after the act itself. For example, it is not unusual for somebody who makes love with a sex-worker to exclaim something like, "I love you... I love you!" After the sexual transaction is completed, the client and the sex-worker part ways and the emotional intimacy evaporates. This may also happen in far too many love relationships. When a relationship becomes toxic, especially when one of the partners is being "victimized," sex may actually become a quite painful experience.

True intimacy between human beings, especially intimacy that is lasting, involves mutual respect, love and tenderness. It is the result of a process that evolves over time. We need to become able to differentiate between feelings and emotions of intimacy that may develop quickly (and that may only be temporary), and between intimacy that is authentic and enduring. In my experience, true intimacy, especially with people that we love and for which we care a lot, is an "act of the heart." Arriving into a state of true intimacy involves the ability to make ourselves progressively vulnerable. We need to do so to a **degree that is mutually appropriate and comfortable**. True intimacy involves our ability to overcome the many obstacles that may sabotage healthy relationships. I will deal with some of these obstacles in the next chapter.

### IN LOVE OR IN LUST?

I believe that most of us know that there is a difference between love and lust. When we are experiencing the many wonderful and intense feelings of the "Velcro stage," it is difficult for any of us to discriminate between the feelings of lust and the deep emotions of love.

Some of my friends who know me well, and who know just how much of the year I spend all alone, have asked me whether I ever utilize the services of sex-workers. I do not. However, I do allow myself to fantasize freely and in many wonderful and creative ways about having sex with women, some of which may be "prostitutes." In my next books, I will share in greater detail about how I was able to progressively liberate myself sexually. I will also share about the process that I have developed to free myself from guilt... to the greatest degree possible.

### PREVENTIVE MASTURBATION

I have developed many wonderful and creative ways in which to enjoy sex and to make love to myself. In order to experience sex in many satisfying and uninhibited ways, I have had to cleanse myself of **guilt**. This is a continuing process that has taken me several decades and about which I will elaborate in greater detail in my next books. I have also developed many wonderful sexual fantasies: fantasies that range from extremely loving to those that involve "games of control." Usually, a couple of days before I go out to a dance or on a date, I practice "preventive masturbation."

### THE REVOLVING DOOR OF RELATIONSHIPS

Because far too many of us suffer from emotional starvation, we may find ourselves caught in the "revolving door" of dissatisfying relationships. We all know a few people who keep falling in and out of love regularly and who keep changing partners every six months or so. In my opinion this may constitute addiction to relationships. This is one of the characteristics of codependent and toxic relationships. I consider myself extremely lucky to have been able to overcome my addiction to relationships and not to be caught in the revolving door.

Another sick and self-defeating pattern of toxic relationships is the never-ending "dance" that usually develops. One of the partners is caught in the role of emotional pursuer and the other one is caught in the role of the emotional distancer. This toxic dance may sometimes be as binding as a relationship that is cemented by love/hate. This kind of toxic dance may go on almost indefinitely. For more information I refer you to the wonderful works by Harriet Goldhor Lerner, such as _The Dance of Intimacy_. I have benefited greatly from her works and I believe that they may benefit men, just as much as women.

What about those couples (and we all know a few), who have been able to maintain their relationships for several decades and who show no signs of wanting to separate? To get a better understanding about such long-lasting relationships we need to ask ourselves a few questions such as:

• Have they been together so long because they are truly happy together?... or because they are "cemented" by a love/hate relationship?

• Are they able to express themselves freely and to be truly authentic with each other?... or have they remained together mostly to maintain appearances?

• What kind of a marriage is it: a closed, traditional and "apparently" monogamous marriage?... or is it an "open" marriage, in which the partners are allowed to have sex outside their marriage?

• Is this marriage based on a love relationship?... or is it a marriage of "convenience," based more on financial and other considerations?

• Are they still together, after so many years, because being together has become a habit and a comforting routine?... or perhaps because of the need for financial security?

• Are they truly satisfied and happy together?... or are they merely content to be together, because they don't dare separate?

We need to keep in mind that there is a wide variety of love relationships and many kinds of marriages that exist. What may not work for somebody, may work quite well for others. What we may not consider acceptable or satisfying for ourselves, may be quite acceptable to others; it is not for us to judge.

### THE PURPOSE OF OUR RELATIONSHIPS

The main purpose of entering into marriage (or something similar) is usually the combination of one of the following reasons: companionship - security - love - sex - children - tradition - convenience - social pressure...

### MUTUAL TRANSFORMATION AND EMPOWERMENT

The fact is that most people don't like to live alone and that most of us seek the love and affection of others. We may also be driven by some of our deepest fears and insecurities, such as the fear of abandonment, the fear of sickness or the fear of old-age. I am truly not interested in entering into a love relationship unless it is with a partner who is a truly authentic, happy and creative human being. Personally, I would be interested in committing myself to a long-term relationship with a woman **only** if I could really have fun with her; **only** if she was able to express herself and to assert herself sufficiently. Otherwise, I would rather remain single.

I hope that one day I will find just such a treasure of a woman. If I should commit myself to a long-term relationships with her, it would be mainly for the purpose of mutual self-transformation and empowerment. Otherwise, I would prefer to live separately and to continue to date her. I would prefer to do so, even if we were able to have a lot of fun together on the occasions on which we met; even if we would be able to enjoy some extremely creative projects and activities together. I do realize that my idea of what may constitute ideal relationships may not be the same as for others.

### THE WILLINGNESS TO HEAL TOGETHER

As we have seen, our physical health lies on a continuum between extremely healthy to extremely sick: a continuum that we navigate back and forth (BAF). This is the same as far as our emotions and our relationships are concerned.

There are too few of us who are whole, mature and emotionally healthy. Even those few, live and work every day in a world of people who are not nearly as healthy as they are. John Bradshaw has stated that almost all of us are at least somewhat dysfunctional and codependent. He is the author of _Bradshaw On: The Family_ , and _Healing the Shame that Binds You_ ; as well as many other extremely popular and useful works.

Relationships constitute one of the best tests of our true selves, of our behavior and of our maturity. On the one hand (OTO), toxic relationships may become a total nightmare: a nightmare from which we may emerge extremely wounded. On the other hand (OTO), truly authentic, healthy and happy relationships can help us to heal ourselves. They may help us to evolve into the best human beings that we can become. I therefore propose that in our process of Personal Re-Organization (PRO) we utilize our relationships for the purpose of self-transformation and healing. I propose that we consciously utilize our intimate relationships to heal ourselves individually and, wherever possible, to heal ourselves collectively. We need to do so, not only in our love relationships, but with any and all relationships.

One of the great challenges of relationships is to become able to accept others such as they are, without wanting to change them. Many of us have learned that trying to change others against their own will is a frustrating and usually fruitless pursuit. If I am lucky enough to find the right partner, I will eventually propose that we enter into a mutual agreement. An agreement to transform ourselves together, to heal, and to empower ourselves mutually. I would like to wait until we have evolved sufficiently in our relationship before I make such a proposal. I will probably need to wait at least several months. In Chapter 14, I will describe the many ways in which we may begin to heal and to transform our relationships together. There is a proverb which I find very useful, (which I have modified a tad) and which I reproduce below:

_" By starting to heal ourselves, we begin to heal the entire world."_

### THE WILLINGNESS TO FORGIVE

I was not able to start making any significant progress until I learned to forgive myself a little faster and a little better. If we truly want to become human beings who are self-aware and self-correcting, we need to be able to forgive ourselves. If we truly want to love ourselves and be loved by others, we also need to be able to forgive others.

Love and healing are acts that are centered in our hearts. If we want to be able to love as fully as possible, and to allow the love of others to penetrate, we need to keep our hearts open. We need to learn to forgive ourselves and others a bit sooner and a bit better. We need to continue to do so until the act of forgiveness becomes as natural as breathing or eating. To be able to keep our hearts open (and to keep doing so consistently for the rest of our lives), we need to develop the greatest possible understanding of others. We also need to develop a truly deep sense of compassion. We need to be vigilant and to protect ourselves: if we allow others to hurt us, our hearts may begin to close. It is therefore essential that we keep asserting ourselves.

I have come to believe that long-lasting intimate and loving relationships are based on respect and forgiveness. We cannot continue to love without being able to forgive. We need to be able to forgive sooner and more completely as we grow older. Just imagine what might develop if hatred were replaced by love and if violence were replaced by constructive cooperation. I believe that peace begins when we become able to forgive ourselves and others. I believe that this is possible. I believe that world peace starts in our homes: in the homes of each one of us.

I believe that change is best implemented slowly and progressively. The most effective way to make progress is by **contracting** that we will congratulate ourselves for the smallest progress that we make. We need to do so no matter how ridiculously tiny such progress may be.

### FRIENDSHIP, LOVE AND SEX

I have developed enduring friendships with many absolutely wonderful women. Even without any sexual involvement, some of these friendships have become quite intimate. Personally, I find that it is a lot easier to develop intimate and lasting friendships with women when sex is not involved. For many years I have also been a member of several dance groups, including the Biodanza Association. This is an international association in which we utilize dance to celebrate life and to heal ourselves and our relationships.

When I participate in workshops of any kind, I succeed in filling myself up with the feminine energy of the women who surround me. This is especially true of Biodanza. The dances that we practice involve a lot of gentle touching and holding. As a result we manage to achieve an amazing degree of closeness and of "temporary intimacy." In Biodanza, the degree of closeness, of sensuality and of temporary intimacy that we are able to achieve, are almost impossible to imagine... unless we have experienced it. We can achieve all this while respecting each other and without being in the least invasive or abusive.

### ARE WE ABLE TO HAVE FUN TOGETHER?

Most of us are able to have fun with our love partners. This is especially true about our first dates and during the "Velcro stage" of our relationships. Most of us are also able to have fun with others when we are taking part in activities and in projects that we truly enjoy. The extremely rare couples I know, who are still together after several decades, are extremely creative and enjoy taking part in activities that they both enjoy. One of the tests of the success of our relationships, is the amount of fun that we are still able to have together. After all, is it not true that the people who we truly love are people whose company we enjoy?

### BETTER ALONE THAN IN BAD COMPANY!

In Italy they have a saying: "Meglio solo che male accompagnato!" Freely translated this means, "Better alone than in bad company!" This is my motto and this is my guiding principle, regarding relationships. I was an only son who was over-protected. I had to learn to entertain myself from a very early age; therefore, it is probably a lot easier for me to be alone than it is for most people. Those who wish to learn to spend a little more time alone may try to proceed by tiny Baby Steps (B/S) and in thin Salami Slices (S/S) of time. This may be easier to do when we are in the mood to do so.

As we have seen earlier, one of the great secrets of happiness is to learn to enjoy and to find pleasure in all our activities. We need to do so even with those that may appear to be quite ordinary. Solitude is one of these activities. Please remember that there is a great difference between solitude and being lonely. Learning to enjoy our own company, and to be happy in our own skins, is one of the greatest rewards on the road to self-realization and fulfillment. In order to be truly authentic and happy with others, first of all, we need to become truly authentic and happy with ourselves. We need to remember that:

_" We cannot give what we don't already possess!"_

## _Chapter 12_

## _**Obstacles to Healthy Relationships**_

### INITIAL OBSTACLES

The initial "Velcro stage" is especially intense in love relationships. However it may also apply to any group with which we may enter into a close, active and somewhat intimate relationship, such as our relationships at work. When we start work for a new company, we may feel too insecure to assert ourselves sufficiently. We may find it especially difficult to assert ourselves with people in authority or with anyone who has power over us. We may find it difficult to assert ourselves well enough, soon enough and often enough. This may also be the case in any relationship in which we may feel that we are, officially or unofficially, "on probation."

For example, I experienced the initial excitement and the wonderful feeling of "belonging" when I joined a dojo of Karate. I have also experienced these same wonderful emotions when I joined a church or when I become regularly active with a dance group. Sadly enough, even though I benefited immensely from all these experiences, these groups were operated as hierarchies. Sometimes they involved manipulation and "games of control." Unfortunately, some of these groups were run by people who tended to victimize or disempower their members, at least to some extent.

Far too many organizations demand that we sacrifice at least a portion of our true selves in order to belong to them. This, in exchange for the security and for all the other great benefits that we may derive from them. I am therefore increasingly careful before joining any new groups. When I do so, I have learned to observe very carefully what the existing relationships of power may be ("in reality" and not just on paper). I also try to figure out what the "rules of the games" happen to be. I am also more and more careful about getting involved too deeply or too soon. I am also becoming increasingly more careful about choosing my friends and the extent to which I am prepared to make myself vulnerable.

### POST-BAD RELATIONSHIP SYNDROME

I have allowed myself to suffer too often from "post-bad relationship syndrome." As a result, I try to be much more careful and more selective about the people with whom I associate. I try to negotiate my relationships more slowly and more carefully. I try not to allow myself to be carried away quite as easily by those wonderful initial feelings of intimacy which I enjoy so much. This is a sign of growing maturity and of the continuously increasing self-love with which I keep filling myself up.

Because of the limitations of space, I will concentrate mostly on love relationships. I will deal with the other types of relationships in greater detail in my next books. In love relationships, the "Velcro stage" is characterized by the need of the two lovers to want to be together as often as possible. As far as I am concerned, there is nothing quite as wonderful as being in love. By nature I am quite an intense person, and I thoroughly enjoy the amazing degree of intimacy that I am able to achieve. However we need to become increasingly able to discriminate between being "in lust" and being "in love." I much prefer "being" in love than "falling" in love. I consider "falling in love" to be very similar to an intoxicating chemical high. I would much rather "grow" in love than to "fall" into it.

The difficulty for me, as probably for most people, is to become able to navigate back and forth (BAF), between intimacy and aloneness. The challenge lies in navigating between the intense and wonderful emotions of intimacy, and the much less intense emotions that I experience when I am alone. This involves a process of detachment from others and from those intense and wonderful emotions of intimacy. It also involves a process of reconnection with myself and of going "within." This process is not easy for me, and I imagine that it's not easy for anybody else.

In order to boost my immune system, I religiously take tantric showers. This involves alternating between a series of hot and cold showers. While I enjoy both the heat and the cold, I find that it is far easier to start with a hot shower and I tend to linger with the heat a whole lot longer than with the cold. Navigating between the deeply intense and warm feelings of intimacy and the cooler feelings of aloneness involves some of these same challenges. I hope that someday I may become as adept at navigating between the heat and the cold of relationships as I am at navigating between hot and cold showers.

I have been applying the same tools and processes to my relationships that I have applied to all other aspects of my Total Self. I have learned that when I find myself in the "Velcro stage" of any relationship, I may begin by Minimizing the Damage (MTD). I also **contract** with myself to honor the tiniest progress that I am able to make. In a love relationship, I try to see my lover less often. I try to talk to her on the telephone less frequently and to make my feelings and emotions no more intense than absolutely necessary. With groups, I may try to diminish the frequency with which I take part in their activities.

Should I fall in love again, I would try my best not to cohabit with my lover for at least six months. Preferably, I would try to continue to live separately for at least two years. I would do so for the following reasons:

• To give us sufficient time to get to know each other better.

• To be able to assert ourselves better.

• To establish healthy boundaries.

• To have sufficient time to "negotiate" our relationship properly.

I hope that the progress that I have been able to achieve in my relationships with my friends and with others, will translate in a comparable amount of progress in my next love relationship.

I would love to have the feedback of my readers about the progress that they have been able to make in their relationships, especially in their love relationships. For that purpose I encourage you to feel free to utilize the feedback tools that I provide in the last section of this book and on our website.

### PROJECTION AND UNREASONABLE EXPECTATIONS

Millions of love songs and thousands upon thousands of movies have been bombarding us with messages that say something like:

_" Make me happy and we will be together forever."_

When we enter into a love relationship and, most especially, when we fall in love, we tend to project onto our lover our image of who we expect that person to be. Some of the archetypal roles that we may like to project may include:

_" the handsome knight in shining armor"_ or _" the strong hero who will protect me" "the lovely princess"_ or _" the perfect and wonderful angel"_

or a variation on one of these themes. This may be especially true when we are younger and more naive. As we grow older and as we gather more experience, we may become progressively more realistic about what to expect from a partner. Yet (in the back of our minds), we may still be driven by some of these images and expectations. In the "Velcro stage," it is far too easy for us not to see the dark side of our partners and to try to ignore their **nastiness**.

Even without such deeply embedded archetypal images, we may still have unrealistic expectations: expectations about what we may receive from others in terms of love, emotional intimacy, sex, and performance. Usually when we meet our new potential lovers, we meet them under the best of circumstances: at parties, at dances, at social gatherings or while performing activities that we both enjoy very much. **We are usually attracted by what is the best in our partners. Usually we end up being manipulated, hurt and victimized by the worst in them**.

We may have unreasonable expectations not only about our partners, but also about ourselves and about our own performance. We may do so even without trying to get into the role of "Superman" or "Superwoman." How often have I said to myself: "I am as ready as I am ever going to be!" Whenever I said that, I was sincere in expecting that I would be able to avoid making some of the same mistakes that I made in the past. I expected that I had learned enough from my past relationships. I expected that I had matured enough not to exhibit some of the dysfunctional and codependent behaviors of the past. I expected not to fall back into some of the sick roles that I used to play, such as "the savior" or "the victim."

On The One hand (OTO), the truth is that with every successive relationship I have matured and I have made progress. In some aspects of my behavior I have made exceptional progress. I would say that I have even managed to overcome many of my worst behaviors and many of the sickest patterns. On The Other hand (OTO), I have discovered that I still tend to fall back into some dysfunctional patterns. At least to some extent, I may still play some of the sick roles to which I had become accustomed.

### POSSESSIVENESS AND JEALOUSY

Compared to most people, I am not very possessive or jealous by nature. These emotions usually manifest themselves in me at a level which is quite easy to overcome. Yet, when I enter into a love relationship with a woman, I notice that I do become possessive and at times even jealous. In the past, I used to sabotage my love relationships by becoming too excited and by wanting to proceed too fast. It is my intention not to cohabit with a lover for a minimum of six months and preferably for at least two years. Yet, in one of my last relationships, the sex was so wonderful and I enjoyed the company of my partner so much that I was prepared to move in with her after a few short months. Fortunately I was "saved" by her decision not to continue to be my lover.

I have never made so much progress in my behavior and in my sexuality as I did during that short but intense relationship. That relationship gave me a lot of hope about my chances of doing even better and of making my future love relationships last a lot longer. However, I do have to confess that I am still surprised by how quickly I allowed myself to be tempted to move in with her, by some of the behaviors that I exhibited, and by the tendency to become too excited. I also tended to be too forceful and to fall into the role of "leader" or "rescuer" on too many occasions.

### MANIPULATION AND GAMES OF CONTROL

I heard an absolutely amazing woman tell me, "I don't manipulate!" She said this on our first meeting, during which I was "interviewing" her as a potential love partner. She is a brilliant woman who lectures in universities and who is an amazingly talented therapist. I was surprised to hear such a smart woman state, without any reservations, that she does not manipulate. As far as I know (consciously or not, wittingly or not) we all manipulate. We do so, not just with bad intentions, but we also do so for each other's good. Managers are paid very substantial salaries in order to manipulate their employees to produce and to perform at their peak. Parents and teachers have to manipulate their children and their students in order to maintain order and to modify their behavior.

One of our greatest fears is the fear of losing control. As far as I can tell, this is true of practically all human beings. It is especially true for those of us who were brought up in families of origin that were dysfunctional and codependent. It is true of those of us who tend to be neurotic or perfectionistic. It is also true for those of us who suffer from addictions and obsessive/compulsive behaviors. Because of our fear of losing control, far too many of us tend to play "games of control." Even with the best of intentions, we manipulate others and we try to hide the "games of control" that we play. Usually we end up victimizing others and sabotaging our relationships.

We may play "games of control" when we tend to dominate others and when we tell them what to do and what not to do. We may try to charm and manipulate others into doing things that they really don't want to do. We may tend to criticize and to make excessive demands on others. We may tend to send out mixed and confused messages such as: "I love you... go away!" "I truly appreciate what you are doing... try to do even better and try to do more..."

### OUR BAGGAGE

What I have dubbed the law of the "cookie-cutter" describes the origins of the old dysfunctional, codependent, unhealthy and self-defeating patterns that we swore never to repeat. These are the "toxic patterns" that create "toxic relationships." When we are children, we learn by role-modeling, absorbing the example of those who are in a dominant position. We do so just like a photographic plate absorbs light. We may do so unconsciously as well as consciously.

When we enter into an intimate relationship we bring with us all our "baggage" of habits, patterns and behaviors with which we have allowed ourselves to be "imprinted." I refer you to one of my favorite movies: _The Story of Us_ , starring Bruce Willis and Michelle Pfeifer. The movie is an absolutely wonderful and tender love story. It begins by showing how the parents are trying to hide from their children their decision to separate. It takes an unexpected turn when the couple discovers that they are both still deeply in love with each other.

At a certain point, there is an absolutely brilliant scene in which husband and wife both lie down on their marriage bed. Instead of making love, they start talking to each other in a way in which they had never done before. After a little while, one of their parents appears next to them and then another parent... until all four parents are lying in bed with them. This is a most vivid illustration of the law of the "cookie-cutter." It shows just how deeply imprinted we are with the role-models that have most influenced us. We have been "molded" from a combination of the roles and patterns with which we have allowed ourselves to be imprinted. This has been happening since our earliest childhood... for better and for worse.

### THE ROLES OF CARETAKER AND OF SAVIOR

Both my parents were stuck in the roles of "caretaker" and of "savior," and I allowed myself to be deeply imprinted by these roles. My mother worked extremely hard (even when she did not have to do so). All her life she felt that she had to take care of others. When she was still young she felt that she had to help "save" her family from the disastrous effects of the depression and of her father's financial excesses.

I used to be "stuck" in the roles of "savior" and of "permanent leader." I tend to have a very strong personality and I used to have a tendency to dominate others. It was easy for me to become unpopular and to be sidelined from groups, especially from informal groups of friends and of peers. When I entered into a love relationship, it was my definite pattern to want to "save" my partners. I kept trying to find solutions to their problems and I gave unsolicited advice. I am happy to report that I have been able to make tremendous progress in all those areas.

### THE ROLE OF VICTIM

I grew up as the over-protected only child of parents who were extremely creative but also very dysfunctional and codependent. I fell into the role of victim since my earliest childhood. Overcoming this role has been one of the greatest challenges of my life. Once again, I am happy to report that I have made huge progress. I very rarely allow myself to fall back into the role of victim. If I do, I tend to correct the situations rather quickly and quite thoroughly.

Far too many of us are still stuck in the role of victim (at least sometimes). Far too many of us tend to victimize others (usually the ones we love the most), even when we have absolutely no intention of doing so. Once again, the reason for this is explained by the law of the "cookie-cutter."

### THE PROCESS OF QUESTIONING

In order to discover whether we are still subconsciously driven by some of the toxic patterns from the past, we may want to ask ourselves a few questions.

• Given that I have the best of intentions, why do I still fall back into patterns that are manipulative and unhealthy?

• Given that I have said to myself: "I sure have learned my lesson this time!"... why do I still allow myself to be victimized by others?

• Given that I have said to myself: "I will never be like my parents!"... why do I still exhibit behaviors that are dysfunctional and codependent?

### HOW WE EXERCISE POWER

Parents, teachers, managers and leaders of countries are expected to manipulate. They are expected to exercise control and they are expected to exercise their authority. Control and manipulation may have beneficial effects. This is true when they are used to elicit the best possible performance and when they are used to empower others. This holds true as long as control and manipulation don't involve the abuse of power. Research has amply demonstrated that "good bosses" and organizations that provide an empowering environment usually obtain the best results. They have employees who are happier, who are healthier and who tend to be loyal. This implies that an empowering set of attitudes and behaviors will produce far better results than an oppressive set of attitudes and behaviors. Therefore what we need to ask ourselves is:

_" Given that an empowering set of attitudes and behaviors will produce the best results, why are there still people who tend to dominate and victimize others?"_

### THE POWER CONTINUUM

All of us have to submit to the use of power, control and discipline in our lifetime. This is true whether this power is being utilized fairly or unfairly, reasonably or not. All of us have to make decisions that affect our lives and the lives of others. We have to deal with power when we find ourselves in a relationship with others. This is true whether in a love relationship or a working relationship; whether as a couple or as a member of a group. Some of us deal better with power and with authority than others.

Dealing with power is one of the most challenging and complex issues in any kind of relationship. Any and all of us may abuse our power, at least sometimes. We may feel guilty and we may develop a fear of utilizing our power. The way in which we utilize our own power is one of the most difficult aspects with which we have to deal in our lives. Below are some questions that we may ask ourselves:

• Just how much power, control and discipline are necessary and sufficient for me to achieve the best results?

• To how much power, discipline and control am I willing to submit?

• How can I best assert myself without losing my job or the love of others?

### POWER STRUGGLES

Power struggles are **inevitable** in intimate relationships just as they are in any other kinds of relationships. This hold true for groups as it does for couples. It is quite usual that power imbalances may develop within couples and that one of the partners may become dominant. In such cases the weaker partners may accept to be dominated because they want to be "mothered" or because they need a strong father figure who can make difficult decisions for them. I know some people who have accepted to remain in such a situation for many decades and who are still content to be together.

### HIERARCHIES

Under certain circumstances, we may have to accept hierarchies because there are times when crucial decisions have to be made quickly. Sometimes there may be a significant degree of danger involved; at other times there may be a lot of money involved. Some decisions may have huge consequences on the rest of our lives or on the lives of others. Some crucial decisions may deal with somebody's right to be free or not; they may deal with the right of somebody to live or to die; to receive an organ transplant or not; to continue to belong to the group or to be expelled, and so on.

What I have learned is that I don't have to be a part of any group that is hierarchical, unless I absolutely have to. I don't have to submit to injustice or to the abuse of power. I can avoid doing so, if I am able to live with the consequences of asserting myself. Whenever possible, I choose to belong to groups that involve their members in the decision-making process. I choose to belong to groups that deal with power fairly. I do belong to groups that have teachers who are in a position of leaders. However, I only continue to participate in such groups when I feel that the leader does not exercise excessive control; as long as I feel treated fairly and I have the freedom to express myself appropriately and sufficiently.

Even in groups that are hierarchical, there are times when decisions may be made collectively; when power-sharing may be practiced. This is especially true when no present and imminent danger exists; whenever decisions can be made as a team (as part of a circle rather than as part of a pyramid). Later in this book, I will deal with power and decision-making in greater detail. I refer you to the audio recording _The Right Use of Power_ , by Peter Block. For more information you may visit www.peterblock.com.

### FAILURE TO NEGOTIATE POWER

Whether we like it or not, and whether we accept it or not, the use of power is an aspect of any relationship. We may tend to develop relationships that are unsatisfying and toxic because we fail to negotiate the use of power. This is especially true about the "Velcro stage" of any relationships. All too often in the past, when I entered into a love relationship, it was my intention to show my new girlfriend just what a "nice" guy I was. I tended, therefore, to allow my new girlfriend to make most of our decisions, even if I did not wholly agree with her. By failing to assert myself, I doomed our relationship into becoming inevitably "toxic" (even if no other sick patterns had been involved).

We can avoid developing "toxic" relationships by learning to assert ourselves **as well, as soon and as often as necessary**. If our fears and our anxieties prevent us from asserting ourselves, we may need to start doing what we need to do, in order to overcome those fears and anxieties. It is always dangerous to rock the boat. If in the past we have failed to assert ourselves adequately, it would be prudent to give our partners and associates a fair warning: a warning that we intend to assert ourselves in the future. It may be wise to proceed gradually by Minimizing the Damage (MTD), and by Baby Steps (B/S) and in Salami Slices (S/S) of time.

Asserting ourselves has **consequences which, at times, may be catastrophic**. The wife who decides to assert herself may end up as a single mother; the employee may end up unemployed. Therefore, we need to seriously consider whether we are able to accept and cope with the consequences. We also need to be wise enough to know whether we are quite ready to assert ourselves, and to what degree we are able to do so. Because asserting ourselves is such a crucial topic, I will elaborate even more on it later.

### TOXIC RELATIONSHIPS

Every time we fail to assert ourselves, every time we fail to negotiate power, every time we fail to express our needs and our wants, every time we fail to express our emotions (appropriately or not), every time we sacrifice a "slice" of ourselves in order to avoid conflict, we may doom our relationship into become increasingly "toxic." Eventually the "walls" start to go up, and we become stuck in a love/hate relationship... or worse! Our anger starts to build up... we express our anger inappropriately... we start to feel hurt and depressed... we become emotionally and verbally abusive... we begin to distance ourselves... we may experience episodes of emotional or physical violence...

### LOSING OUR IDENTITIES

One of the greatest fears that some of us may have is the fear of losing ourselves in our relationships. This is especially true for those of us who have had great difficulty in asserting ourselves. This may also be true for those of us who have difficulty in expressing our needs, our feelings and our emotions. This is especially true if one of the partners has a strong personality and tends to be dominant. Every time we fail to express our needs and our wants, every time we fail to assert ourselves and every time we sacrifice even the tiniest part of ourselves... we give up a tiny slice of ourselves... we give more power to others.

Eventually, slice after slice, we may end up losing too much of ourselves. We start to hurt more and more, at deeper and deeper levels. Eventually the "walls" start to go up... the relationship becomes less and less authentic and more and more toxic. Eventually the fights break out and we end up caught in the same old sick and dysfunctional patterns... in the same old sick and debilitating roles. Eventually, we may find ourselves inevitably cemented into a permanent love/hate relationship, such as the one in which my parents were cemented. We may enjoy a very entertaining example of this type of relationships in the movie _Divorce American Style_ , starring Dick Van Dyke and Debbie Reynolds (1967).

In the groups in which I have been active, I discovered that the loss of our identity is one of the most painful subjects about which we may share. When the loss of our identity was the topic, the meetings tended to become extremely intense and quite intimate. This was especially true if the meeting was well facilitated; if we could all feel safe and respected in what we shared. As a result, the members of the group tended to bond together far more deeply than ever before.

### PASSIVE/AGGRESSIVE BEHAVIOR

I was one of those who had trouble expressing my needs, my wants and my emotions appropriately. This was especially true about my anger. With every passing year, I tended to swing more and more widely between behavior that was passive and behavior that was aggressive. I tended to swing back and forth (BAF) between the role of "mother's good little boy" and the role of the "rebel." By the time I became an adult, my passive/aggressive behavior and my complex of self-defeating patterns were firmly established. This has become a part of our family's generational wound. My father had a tendency to be passive/aggressive and my son also has developed that tendency.

### THE SICK ROLES WE PLAY

John Bradshaw describes in great detail the many self-defeating roles and the sick patterns which dysfunctional and codependent families are constantly playing out. Some of these roles may include the Hero, the Scapegoat, the Lost Child, the Caretaker, the Perfect Child and the Rebel. Some of us may exhibit several sick patterns and we may tend to play more than one role. For those who would like to free themselves from these roles and from these patterns, I refer you to the book _Bradshaw On: The Family_.

### PSYCHODRAMA

I have participated in several workshops of psychodrama from which I have benefited immensely. I am quite prepared to take part in more when the opportunity will arise. Psychodrama may not be for everybody. However it is especially powerful for somebody like me, who tends to look at life as a stage: a stage on which we all play out our roles and our scripts. For anyone interested in learning more about psychodrama I strongly recommend _The Action Manual, Techniques for Enlivening Group Process and Individual Counselling_ , by Liz White.

I believe that it is far easier to become aware of our sick patterns, and of the roles in which we have allowed ourselves to become "stuck," if we look at life as a stage. When we do this, it becomes easier for us to look at our relationships as plays and as roles that we are acting out. I tend to agree wholeheartedly with Shakespeare when he writes in _As You Like It, (II, 7)_ :

_" All the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players."_

When we look at life as a tragic comedy and at our relationships as plays, we may start to take ourselves a lot less seriously. We may start to see some of the possibilities by which we may begin to change ourselves and to heal our relationships. It becomes easier for us to stop blaming and to begin to change our patterns.

### THE SICK GAMES WE PLAY

I believe that most of us know that it is quite futile to try to change others, especially if they are unwilling to change themselves. If we want to truly heal our relationships, we need to start by healing ourselves first. As we have already seen, the process of self-transformation begins when we start to become better aware of our own behaviors and of our own patterns: especially of the sick patterns that we need to change. We may become increasingly aware, not only of the dysfunctional roles, but also of the sick games that we have allowed ourselves to play. We may become more aware about games such as manipulating, playing games of control and placing unreasonable demands and expectations on ourselves and others.

_Reality Therapy_ , by William Glasser, was one of the books that helped me the most in my first years of self-transformation. It is by reading this book that I was able to finally accept that I had to take responsibility for my life and for my behavior. I did so to a degree to which I had not been able to do until that time. I also learned to take more responsibility for my emotions and for my behaviors. I was privileged to have been able to take part in a conference at which William Glasser demonstrated some of his techniques on stage, with the active participation of volunteers. I was very impressed and enormously inspired!

### GUILT-ING AND SHAME-ING

Many of the people who attended William Glasser's conference were therapists, nurses, teachers and practitioners. These were "front line" workers who needed to deal with disturbed patients and their disruptive behaviors every day. For them, it was urgent to find practical solutions that they could apply immediately: solutions that worked effectively and consistently. The process and the techniques that William Glasser demonstrated were amazingly practical and effective! From him I learned to add "-ing" to some of the emotions: emotions with which we manipulate and by which we allow ourselves to be manipulated. Be saying that I am "guilt-ing" and that I am "shame-ing", I am assuming full responsibility for my emotions and for the manipulative ways in which I utilize them.

We need to become aware of the sick "games" that we play and to assume responsibility for them. This is the best way to begin to transform them into behaviors that are healing and constructive. The more we heal... the more we grow. Eventually we become able to take some of the tragedy out of our lives and to see more of the comedy. Eventually, we may even become able to introduce more comedy into our lives and to have more fun!

### IS THERE ANY HOPE?

Absolutely! Not only is there hope, there is a great deal of hope! I dedicate Chapter 14 to the many very practical and very effective ways by which we may begin to heal our relationships. However, life and our Total Selves are very complex. Therefore the relationships of human beings are also very complex. Complex problems require complex solutions. The process by which we heal ourselves and our relationships consists of "a process of processes." It usually takes many years for us to become increasingly dysfunctional and for our relationships to become increasingly toxic. Therefore it may also require several years for us to completely heal ourselves and to heal our relationships. What is essential, is for us to make a beginning. In order to free ourselves from "toxic relationships" we may want to start by asking ourselves:

_" Is this relationship an energy booster or an energy sucker?"_

## _Chapter 13_

## **_Our Emotional Brew_**

### THE FEAR OF OUR EMOTIONS

Because of limitations of space, I will only attempt to give you a brief introduction to emotions, as I have come to understand and utilize them. I will elaborate further in my next books. Our emotions are not quantifiable or predictable and they are definitely not easy to control. Most of us have difficulty dealing with some emotions. This is especially true of "strong" emotions, and emotions that may be very disturbing, such as attacks of rage or panic. In my own case, it used to be almost impossible for me to talk about most of my emotions. I also had a great fear of expressing my anger. It was only after I had been clean and sober for at least a couple of years that I became able to express my anger. I was driven to do so by sheer despair.

Some people are unable to express many of their emotions appropriately... whether in public or in private. Personally, I know many people who have never overcome their fear of expressing their anger. Some people have even told me that they believe that dealing with emotions may be dangerous. This is not only true about individuals; it appears to be true about our societies as a whole, including the media. For example, have you ever noticed how often the word "emotions" is avoided by individuals as well as by the media? I have noticed that there is a tendency to substitute the word "psychological" for the word "emotional."

### THE FEAR OF LOSING CONTROL OF OUR EMOTIONS

We may be afraid of intense emotions and of losing control. All too often our fears lead us to develop the habit of disconnecting from our emotions. As a result, we may continue to suppress (consciously) and repress (usually unconsciously) our emotions. Our repressed emotions may become compressed and compounded in our subconscious or even deeper. From deep within us, they may generate an ever increasing and relentless pressure. All this accumulated "toxic" emotional pressure within us, may cause a complex of self-defeating and self-sabotaging behaviors and patterns.

We may choose to avoid connecting to our emotions and dealing with them. Eventually the accumulation of all these different kinds of conflicting and increasingly strong and disturbing emotions may develop into what I call our "emotional brew." In my own case, the pressure of this accumulated brew of toxic emotions eventually became excessive and unmanageable. A few months after I stopped drinking, it started to bubble to the surface (at the most unexpected and inconvenient of times). On one occasion, the energy that was being released all of a sudden caused my entire body to shake uncontrollably. This was all the more embarrassing as I was reading the "Twelve Traditions" of A.A. in front of an audience of several hundred people!

Our "emotional brew" is, of course, not composed only of "toxic" emotions. As far as I am concerned, our "emotional brew" includes all of our many and varied emotions: including the most pleasant ones such as love, enthusiasm and joy. Our pleasant emotions coexist with our unpleasant ones. We may become more conscious of the conflicting "brew" of our emotions when we experience "ambivalent feelings" about something or somebody.

A good example is when I used to go skydiving with my daughter. On The One hand (OTO), I felt joy because I was with her and excitement because I was going to experience the thrill of free-falling. On The Other hand (OTO), I simultaneously experienced the fear (anxiety) of what might happen in the unlikely event that my parachute failed to open.

When I go to a party, on the one hand (OTO), I may feel the joy of meeting old friends and the excitement of meeting new and interesting people. On the other hand (OTO), I may experience the anxieties of saying or doing the wrong thing at the wrong time, or of meeting somebody that I have been trying to avoid.

### NAVIGATING (BAF) BETWEEN EXCITEMENT AND DEPRESSION

If we fail to reverse our patterns, our emotional "Inner Void" will keep growing bigger and bigger. Its vacuum will suck in anything that we may throw at it. Not only will we not get better, we may progressively and relentlessly degenerate and get worse. Many of us may eventually succumb to addictions and some of us may even die from them. Personally I lived for several decades frozen in various degrees of depression. At the limit, depression may become a form of living death!

When I was an adolescent, I often felt bored. I felt unhappy in my own skin and I constantly sought escape in obsessive/compulsive behaviors and in toxic relationships. Eventually, any relationship would do, no matter how temporary or destructive it might be, as long as it gave me some relief from boredom and depression. For several decades I was stuck in a never-ending pattern of swinging back and forth (BAF) between various degrees of depression and manic excitement.

### A POSSIBLE CONTINUUM OF SOME OF OUR FEARS (ANXIETIES)

In previous chapters I have already dealt with several of our worst fears and anxieties. Fear is a natural and necessary emotion that alerts us about a real and imminent danger (now). Anxiety is a mostly toxic emotion generated by some danger or possibility of danger. This danger may or may not be real. This danger may be related to something that may have happened in the past or that might happen in the future. Below, I propose a possible continuum of fears, depending on their magnitude, power and intensity. According to my intuition, this is the order in which I would place them, starting with the most terrifying. I would of course appreciate your comments, your suggestions and your feedback.

**fear of abandonment... fear of losing control... fear of major loss... fear of the extreme complexity of life... fear of change... fear of our emotions**

At the limit, our fears and our anxieties may result in occasional panic attacks.

### AN IMAGE: OUR INNER MONSTER

The collection of all our anxieties and insecurities, I call "Our Complex of Anxieties and Insecurities." If to this we add the collection of our anger, resentments and other toxic emotions, we end up with a creature that I call our "Inner Monster." Our "Inner Monster" is usually fed by the complex of all the hurts and wounds that we have accumulated in our life. This constitutes our Wounded Self. Our "Inner Monster" keeps chewing at us and eating up one aspect after another of our fragmented and broken selves. We may be driven just as much or more by our "Inner Monster," as by ambitions and by our dreams.

If you would like to know more about this monster and our Wounded Self, I refer you to the article "Narcissism and the Male Heart Wound" by Linda Marks. This article may prove to be just as useful for women as it is for men. You may view a copy of her article on www.ofspirit.com/lindamarks21.htm or by following the links on www.healingheartpower.com, which is Linda Marks' own site. You may also find a chapter entitled "Portrait of the narcissist" in the book: _Search For The Real Self,_ by James F. Masterson.

### EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

Emotional Intelligence is a concept that has been widely popularized by the works of Daniel Goleman. I have personally benefited immensely from them and I refer you to them without any hesitation. Some of the elements and characteristics of emotional intelligence may include:

• Our ability to understand, manage and deal with our emotions.

• Our ability to express our emotions appropriately and effectively.

• Our ability to understand and to deal with the emotions of others.

• Our capacity to delay gratification (one of M. Scott Peck's favorites!)

• Our ability to suppress (preferably to transform) our inappropriate and self-defeating impulses and urges.

• Our ability to understand body language and non-verbal communication.

• Our ability to utilize social skills effectively.

• Our capacity for optimism and our ability to empathize with others.

Developing adequate and effective social skills will help us to be better received by others. We will be able to overcome life's inevitable difficulties and challenges more easily. Once again, we will discover that by practicing an **empowering complex of attitudes and behaviors** , we will become happier, more friendly and... more popular. For a list of social skills I refer you to _Emotional Intelligence_ by Daniel Goleman and to www.nasponline.org and www.embracethefuture.org.au.

### ANGER: A MOST ESSENTIAL AND NATURAL EMOTION

For most of us, one of the most difficult tasks is to deal with our anger. This is especially difficult for passive/aggressive personalities such as I used to be. I used to be absolutely terrified of having to deal with the huge amount of anger that had accumulated and that was repressed inside me. I was terrified that if I released my anger I would lose control and that it would come out all at once!... just like the eruption of a volcano! I was afraid that all this accumulated rage would destroy me, and everything around me. I know a large number of extremely creative and very spiritual people who are still incapable of "letting go" of much of the anger that is repressed deep inside them.

A little later, I will deal with how to begin to release our anger and how to transform it. As with most other aspects of ourselves, we may begin to deal with our anger and any other toxic emotions by Minimizing the Damage (MTD). For example, if we feel hate, why not try to hate just a little bit less before we become ready to love somebody?

One of the reasons why so many of us are afraid to deal with our anger is that we believe it to be a negative, destructive and toxic emotion. In fact, anger is just as essential to our well-being as pain is. If we did not feel pain, we would not know that there is something with which we need to deal. For example, pain alerts us that we are wounded, that we have a broken limb, that we are bleeding, that we have been poisoned, that we are accumulating stress, etc. Anger is also trying to alert us that there is something with which we need to deal. For example: that somebody has taken advantage of us, that somebody has been invasive, that somebody has been offensive, that somebody has taken something from us, etc. When we feel angry we usually need to act. We may need to assert ourselves, to establish healthier boundaries or to protest the action or the words of somebody else. I refer you once again to _Creative Aggression_ by Bach and Goldberg.

### ONCE BURNED... TWICE SHY!

Most of us have experienced the pain of burning our skins on a hot stove or from getting too much sun. If somebody touches us, even slightly, on a spot on which we have been burned, we usually cry out in pain. If we have allowed anger to accumulate, we are likely to **overreact** when somebody else tries to injure or offend us. If we have become emotionally and psychologically disturbed, we may even imagine that we have been slighted by others, even if this is not the case.

### SELF-LOATHING

Often when we have difficulty dealing with anger and with our natural aggression we tend to develop self-loathing. The anger and the aggression that we are unable to express, we usually turn inward against ourselves. Self-loathing and anger turned against ourselves may be among the most toxic and destructive emotions from which we may suffer. Self-loathing may be just as toxic as guilt! I would be extremely interested to know about your experiences with anger. Please feel free to use the feedback tools that I provide in Chapter 16. Below I propose a possible continuum of anger:

### TRANSFORMING OUR EMOTIONS

Like any process, the process of transforming our emotions is also circular, spiraling, fluid and continuously evolving. Our emotions are fluid, unpredictable and they may be surprisingly strong. We need to transform our emotions into actions and behaviors that are creative and constructive. Through experience I have learned that it is definitely not healthy or constructive to ignore our emotions or to repress them. As far as I know, the best way to deal with our emotions is to learn to reconnect to them and to transform them.

Let's say that we are suffering from a major attack of the fear of losing control. We need to begin by learning to accept whatever it is that we are feeling... no matter how disturbing or intense those feelings may be. We try to remain connected to our emotions and we try to breathe a little bit more deeply and more consciously "with" them. We try to do this as well, and for as long, as we are able. It is far more effective and useful to allow our emotions to surface (and to learn to live with them), than to try to ignore them or to suppress them. This is especially true in the long run.

To deal with our emotions we may need to proceed by Baby Steps (B/S) and in thin Salami Slices (S/S) of time. With practice we may learn to live with our emotions... no matter how disturbing or intense they may be. Emotions are, after all, a form of energy. Like anything else, energy may be used for evil just as it may be used for our greater good. Emotions may be transformed from an energy that is hurting us into an energy that is helping us. For example, anxiety and anger may be wonderful sources of energy and of motivation... if we remain connected to them.

### THE PROCESS

Transforming our emotions is a process. Just like any other process, it is complex and it is composed of many elements and many stages. When we decide to transform our emotions and to utilize their energy for our own good, we may do some preparation. We may decide what we are going to do and how. We may choose to adopt a positive and empowering attitude. We may also decide what our **Intent** is going to be. Below I share a few of the ways by which I have learned to transform my emotions.

• Identify them, name them, express them... and eventually own them.

• Progressively and gradually connect to them as closely as possible.

• Progressively and gradually learn to accept them.

• Progressively and gradually allow to feel them as thoroughly as possible.

• Breathe into them and with them, and let them burn themselves out.

• Transform them › into constructive action(s) › into performance › into creativity.

• Sublimate them. Utilize the energy of our emotions to motivate and to drive us to perform better and more creatively.

• Visualize healthier and happier situations, possibilities and emotions.

### SELF-AWARENESS AND SELF-QUESTIONING

If we decide that we want to begin to deal with our emotions, we may need to begin with the processes of self-awareness and self-questioning. We may be more comfortable with utilizing our brains than with dealing with our emotions. To change our pattern, we may start by becoming more aware of our Inner Dialogue (I/D). Our emotions are, after all, stored and reflected in our brain and in our mind. Much of what may appear hidden from us, may in fact be manifested in our inner dialogue. The problem may be the same as with our emotions. We may prefer not to "hear" those messages of our inner dialogue that are too ugly or too disturbing.

### SELF-QUESTIONING

We may begin by asking ourselves a few questions such as:

• Would I rather be right or would I rather be happy?

• Do I really (... really!) want to change?

• Am I ready to start to help myself?

• Am I ready to ask for the help of others?

• Am I willing to start to reconnect to some of my pain?

• Am I willing to start to reconnect to some of my disturbing emotions?

• Just how ready am I... really!? (on a scale of 1 to 10)

If we decide that we are ready to deal more effectively with our emotions, we may wish to proceed by small Baby Steps (B/S) and in thin Salami Slices (S/S) of time.

### TRANSFORMING OUR INNER DIALOGUE (I/D)

Transforming our Inner Dialogue may involve the same basic steps of any process, such as preparation, repetition and establishing our intent. One of the basic processes consists of overlaying "desired dialogue" on top of unwelcome and undesirable dialogue. Just as we may choose to change what we say out loud, we may also choose to change what we think... no matter how faint or how disturbing such thoughts may be. In order to change our thoughts, we need to first become aware of their existence. We need to progressively accept our offensive and disturbing thoughts. As we become readier to do so, we need to progressively and gradually overcome our fear of some of these thoughts. First of all, we need to "catch" these unwelcome thoughts, such as:

" _You are no good!_ " " _That was r-e-e-a-l-l-y stupid! " "It's unforgivable!" "How dumb can you get!?" "Can't you do anything right!?" "I hate myself!" "I want to die!" "I am useless!" "How could you do that!" "I hate them!" "I can't stand'em!" etc._

If these thoughts are related to our "hang-ups" from the past, our Inner Dialogue may resemble the following:

_" I should have..." "If only..." "You have to..." "You must..." "You are expected to..." etc._

With hang-ups relating to the future, our Inner Dialogue may go something like:

_" If only I could..." "If only they would..." "Maybe..." "I wish..." "One day..." "When...." etc._

I believe that guilt may be one of the main causes of our hang-ups, and that it is one of our most toxic emotions. Guilt may act in most insidious ways. Personally, I equate guilt to "emotional cancer." I believe that guilt may manifest itself in some forms of physical cancer.

### ANTIDOTES

If we are really interested in changing our toxic inner dialogues, we may want to proceed as follows. First we need to "catch" an undesirable inner dialogue and accept its existence. Then we may introduce a corrective and healing phrase or affirmation. We try to repeat it in our minds several times. We need to try to do so each time a toxic thought appears. We also need to learn to forgive ourselves a little better. If possible, a little bit sooner. Eventually, the unwelcome thoughts will become fainter and fainter. Our happier and more constructive thoughts will become stronger. I call such healing phrases "Antidotes." Here are a few that I use very frequently.

• _" I am sooorrryyy... I am sooorrryyy_"

• _" It's no big deal... I've made a mistake... I am learning from my mistakes"_

• _" I forgive myself... I forgive myself... I forgive myself"_

• _" There is progress... there is definitely progress!"_

• _" I love myself... I love myself... I love myself"_

### CONNECTING AND RECONNECTING

It is essential that we connect to whatever emotion we feel; that we stay connected and that we breathe into it and with it. We do so until its "charge" begins to diminish and starts to burn itself out. Eventually, we need to become able to do so, no matter how ugly, uncomfortable or disturbing such emotions may be. We may need to repeat this process on several successive occasions, in order to reduce its charge and its power. To avoid masking our unwelcome and undesirable emotions, we utilize this process prior to utilizing our Antidotes. If we mask our emotions by overlaying Antidotes on top of them, we may risk repressing our emotions even deeper into our unconscious.

### DIARIZING

As we have seen in earlier chapters, diarizing may be one of the most effective ways by which to develop self-awareness and by which to reinforce our process of self-transformation. I have been diarizing for several decades about just about every aspect of my life. My diaries include behavior modification, relationships and sex. I find that diarizing is a very effective way to amplify and deepen any process in which I am involved. As we have already seen regarding our dreams, there is a back and forth (BAF) motion and a "circularity" to the process of diarizing.

In the case of transforming our Inner Dialogue (I/D) with the help of a diary this process may go something like this:

self-awareness... **diarizing**... self-forgiveness... acceptance... preparation... intent... visualization... implementation... repetition... reinforcement... feedback... **correction**... self-awareness... **diarizing**

### THE EXTENDED PROCESS OF SELF-AWARENESS AND FORGIVENESS

The complete process of self-awareness and forgiveness is really a process of self-awareness, acceptance, forgiveness and **correction**. This is a process that we need to navigate back and forth (BAF), accepting its fluidity and its evolution. At some point, once we have become ready to change, we may need to introduce a clear Intent into our process.

### SHARING AND SUPPORT GROUPS

Joining a support group and developing the feeling that we "belong" to the group is a very effective way to deal with our emotions. By participating in support groups, we may learn to express ourselves more freely and we may become able to share a little better about our emotions. We may benefit from the power of example of others and from the role-modeling that they will provide. We may fill ourselves up with the love and the warmth of other human beings. We may be inspired and we may raise our spirits

Eventually, we may be able to "talk it out of our system." This is a very effective way to begin to expel unwanted and trapped emotions, especially the toxic ones. Joining a support group can be much more effective than isolating ourselves at home or escaping on the Internet... or by other means. Support groups may be "crutches" that we may require temporarily. Many years ago I heard somebody say the following about support groups: "They are trying to brain-wash us!" Speaking for myself, I can attest that my brain desperately needed to be "washed!"

### CREATIVE AGGRESSION

Those people who are truly happy in their relationships are able to accept and to express their naturally aggressive sides. All human beings are born naturally aggressive, just as we are born naturally sweet. To receive confirmation of this, all we have to do is to observe just how sweet and absolutely adorable newborn babies can be. We can also observe just how aggressive, healthy and happy little children may become... when they choose to do so. When I was a child, I was not encouraged to express my aggressive nature or my anger. Consequently, I turned my anger and my unexpressed feelings and emotions progressively inward and **against** myself.

**Energy can neither be created nor destroyed** , it can only be transformed. It would appear that the same natural law applies to emotions. If our emotions cannot be expressed creatively, they will be expressed destructively. If we don't allow ourselves to express or transform our toxic emotions, we will repress them and turn them against ourselves. I know that every time I fail to express or transform my anger appropriately, I end up turning it against myself. I no longer want to do that. I already have enough anger stored deep inside myself: anger that I need to bring to the surface and transform. I cannot afford to add more toxic emotions to my "cesspool" of toxicity.

We have the freedom to decide what to do with our emotions. We may choose to transform emotions such as anger, sadness, grief and anxiety right out of our system. We may do so by physical exercise, by visualization or by other means. We may find one of the most readily available examples of this in the movie _Cannery Row_ , starring Nick Nolte and Debra Winger. In this movie, Nick Nolte plays a marine scientist who used to be a professional baseball pitcher. His best friend suddenly dies by drowning himself accidentally. The marine scientist feels somehow responsible for his death. In order to deal with his grief and with his emotions, the former baseball player exercises his emotions right out of his system by throwing baseballs against a target... a lot of baseballs!

### SOME USEFUL EXERCISES

I was barely more than a year sober when my father died. There had been a lot of "unfinished business" between us, and I was left with a huge amount of guilt that I had internalized and accumulated over the years. Over the next few months, I became progressively more and more aware of the brew of toxic emotions that was beginning to surface within me. As the months went by very slowly, I began to accept the vast amount of anger and of guilt to which I was "hanging on." After much avoidance, I decided that, if I wanted to make any real progress in my life, I had to become ready to deal with this emotional brew.

Eventually, I became so desperate that I decided that I could no longer wait. I thought about it for a long time and from many angles. I decided to visualize my father spread-eagled on the ground and attached to four short posts. I decided to jump up and down while visualizing myself jumping on his genitals. While I was jumping up and down, I was screaming as loud as I could: "KILL!... KILL!... KILL!" To do so took all the courage that I could muster. This was probably one of the most courageous acts that I had performed up to that time.

### WARNING

Many years later, I created a course called Progressive Dynamic Relaxation (PDR). Among many other exercises, I also included the one about "letting go" of our anger by jumping up and down, visualizing and shouting "KILL!... KILL!... KILL!" It is essential that we hold the "right intent." If we decide to borrow somebody's image (on which we want to jump), we need to do so with the intent to help ourselves and not to do any harm to the person whose image we are utilizing. If we fail to utilize the right intent, we may do great damage to our karma. We may also (unconsciously) accumulate as much guilt as we are trying to expel. There are many more exercises available to us in the book _Creative Aggression_ by Bach and Goldberg... and elsewhere.

### BASEBALL BATS, AXES AND SLEDGEHAMMERS!

Several years ago my son, who was twenty years old at the time, came to stay with me for a few of months. My son and I are alike in many ways. Just as I did in my youth, Michael has had a great fear of expressing his anger and he chose to fall into the "role of victim." Michael procrastinated for several months. It was only a couple of days before he left, that he finally decided to take up my offer. He allowed himself to exercise some of his anger out of his system. He did so by demolishing a few palettes made of wood with an axe and a heavy sledgehammer, and he shouted kiais (battle cries). This was probably one of the most courageous acts that my son had allowed himself to perform up to that time. We may obtain almost the same effect by beating hard on a mattress with a baseball bat or with a tennis racket.

Emotions that are suppressed or repressed may end up somatized in our muscles, our tissues, and even in our bones. In order to get rid of such aches, pains and tensions, we may choose to receive massages from professional therapists. In my experience, most of us don't take nearly enough advantage of the many wonderful and effective forms of therapy and of massage that are readily available to us. I am benefiting immensely from shiatsu and from various forms of massages that I receive periodically from professional therapists. I also continue to take part in sessions of Holotropic Breathwork and other forms of therapies. There is a vast variety of massages and therapies that are available to us. I strongly recommend the book, _The Adventure of Self-Discovery_ by Stanislav Grof. I refer you to the following sites: www.holotropic.com wikipedia.org/wiki/massage

### THE PROCESS OF AMPLIFICATION

One of the most effective processes that I utilize is the process of Amplification: I learned it in Holotropic Breathwork. The process of amplification is widely used by Yoga, in Psychodrama, in Biodanza and elsewhere. In Yoga, we may try to exaggerate a movement in a particular area of our body by bringing it to the maximum degree of tension that we can bear. In Psychodrama, we may exaggerate a feeling, an emotion or a behavior in order to bring it thoroughly out into the open. We make it so B-I-G that it will be impossible for us to continue to deny it! By utilizing the process of amplification we are better able to connect to the stress and to the pain that are concretized (somatized) in our bodies.

One of my first successes with the process of Amplification occurred when I was suffering from chronic depression. A close friend (who had probably gotten tired of hearing me complain about being depressed), suggested that I learn to "enjoy" my depression. At first I thought that my friend was crazier than I was. As I became progressively and relentlessly more and more desperate, I eventually decided to give it a try. One day, when I was ready, I allowed myself to curl up like a fetus on my couch, and I started to say out loud "POOR... POOR... POOR ME!" "POOR... POOR... POOR ME!" "POOR... POOR... POOR ME!"

After doing so for about fifteen minutes or so, the whole process became so ridiculous that I started to laugh. What was happening was that I had stopped fighting my depression. I was instead allowing myself to connect to it more completely than ever before. My energy was no longer wasted by fighting. The pressure and the emotional pain from the depression began to lessen. We may, of course, utilize the processes of Amplification in just about every area of our lives. Doing so is much easier and much more enjoyable for somebody like me who enjoys theatre and drama so much.

### ROLE PLAYS AND REHEARSALS

Role plays are among the most powerful tools for self-transformation available to us. Role plays are often utilized in business by trainers and by coaches. I have myself benefited from the use of role plays in workshops on assertiveness and on how to become a better negotiator. I believe that there are many more ways by which we may benefit from them. It may be extremely useful for couples to utilize role plays and other exercises. We may do so in order to change existing patterns and to develop better ways to deal with each other.

Whenever we are trying to learn new habits, it is of course very useful to practice and to rehearse them. This is most especially true when we are trying to change habits and patterns that have been deeply embedded within ourselves for a long time. This is also true when we are trying to deal with strong emotions such as fear (anxiety) and anger. When we are in the heat of the moment it is very difficult to try to change our existing patterns or to implement a new habit. It is a lot easier to change our behaviors and our patterns if we have had a chance to practice and to rehearse sufficiently. Preparation, practice and repetition are, after all, essential elements of almost any process. Before we may make any significant change we need to make ourselves ready to do so.

Rehearsing by ourselves may not be sufficient. It has been amply demonstrated that we obtain much better results if we are able to rehearse with somebody else. For couples, it would be much more effective if both partners could agree to rehearse together. Making such a decision would represent a major breakthrough. This is especially true if the partners have decided to utilize their relationship as a way to change and to transform themselves **together.** I strongly recommend _The Action Manual, Techniques for Enlivening Group Process and Individual Counselling_ , by Liz White.

### NO-DUMPING ZONES

I had to become totally desperate in order to begin to express my anger and to deal with guilt and with the rest of my "emotional brew." Several decades ago, when I started this process, I prayed to become able to express my anger... even inappropriately. I was quite prepared to deal with the consequences later. I was ready to make amends when necessary. My prayer was answered. I did eventually become able to express my anger inappropriately and I did assert myself in ways that were too aggressive. Doing so has cost me, and it has cost me more than just embarrassment. I did have to deal with the consequences and I did have to make amends more than once. There were times when making amends was far from easy. There are still a few amends that I have not yet been able to make.

Of course, you don't have to make the same mistakes as I have made. There are so many readily available alternatives which don't involve inappropriate behavior. Eventually, I learned that when we practice creative aggression, we don't have the right to "dump" our anger or any of our toxic emotions on others! If we want to rehearse, we need to do so with people who are willing and who have agreed to do so. This is just as true for creative aggression exercises as for role plays.

None of us knows what another person is truly ready to bear. Something that may appear easy for somebody may be excruciatingly difficult for others. Something that we take for granted may be beyond the capacity of others, at least for the time being. It is always safer to ask. We need to have a clear understanding of what we are about to rehearse. It is very important that everybody concerned be fully aware of the "rules of the game." We need to practice "the game" in a place and in ways that are safe. I will share more about this later.

### LEARNING TO NAVIGATE WITH OUR EMOTIONS

Dealing with our emotions means that we need to learn to "navigate" with them: Back and Forth (BAF), along the continuum of our various emotions. We may need to become used to the volatility and ever-changing intensities of our emotions: from the gentlest to the strongest. Eventually we need to become able to "own" the most unwelcome and most disturbing of our emotions. We also need to learn to fully enjoy and to savor the most pleasing of our emotions. One of the most important truths that I have learned is that there is a great difference between joy and happiness. Like many of us, I used to believe that happiness meant the absence of sadness and of all unpleasant emotions.

Today I believe that sadness, anger and grief are all essential to our happiness. Some of the most difficult passages of my entire life have led me to enjoy the freedom and the happiness that I am able to enjoy today. Some of those difficult passages include the day when my wife and I separated; they include the day when I had my last drink. They include the day when my father died, the day my mother died, and the day when my son left.

Eventually we need to learn how to bear the pain of separation or loss. Eventually we need to "let go" of those habits and patterns that are making our lives miserable and that are slowly killing us. Anger and fear may represent either side of the same coin; so may sadness and joy. If we are unable to experience the one, we may not be able to experience the other one as fully as we need. It is like a water tap: if we close down one emotion, other emotions may be blocked as well.

### OUR VOICE

One of the simplest ways by which we may expel the energy of our emotions right out of our system is by utilizing our voice. There are many very effective ways by which we may do so. For example by screaming, chanting, and performing toning exercises. The power of sound and of our voice are well known. Sopranos and tenors, for example, may be able to shatter glasses with their voice. Chanting has been utilized in Yoga for many centuries to transform our energies and to clear our voices. Sacred chants have the effect to induce a non-ordinary state that is very conducive to meditation and to healing. We may also utilize our voices to clear our larynx and to raise our energy and our spirits.

One of the places in our bodies where our hurts and our stress tend to become somatized (concretized) is in our larynx. The vibrational effects of our voices may help to clear our larynx from the blockages that have accumulated. Our voices may help release energy that had been repressed and unavailable to us. I have benefited immensely from singing, chanting and toning exercises for many years. We may express a lot of our emotional charges by shouting Kiais (battle cries) or primal screams. We may do so when we practice martial arts or other forms of creative aggression. I refer you to the CDs: _Heal Yourself with Sound & Music_, by Don Campbell and _Tibetan Sound Healing_ , by Tenzin Wangyal Rinpoche.

### LAUGHTER THERAPY

Fear and anger, sadness and joy, tears and laughter may represent both sides of the same coins. By dealing with one side of the coin, we may also be able to deal with the other side. My strategy is to begin with whatever side is the easiest. In my case I have always had a great difficulty with allowing myself to cry. Annette Goodheart suggested that I practice some of her laughter exercises. She was right. The more I practiced, the easier it became for me to laugh... and the easier it became for me to cry. Annette Goodheart specializes in tears, laughter (tehee...) and sexuality. She is the author of the book, _Laughter Therapy_. You may visit her on YouTube.

### SEX AND ITS POWER

One of the most difficult areas for me to heal, as for most people, has been my sexuality. For some people, it may appear impossible to heal their sexuality to a degree that would make them completely free from their sexual anxieties and inadequacies. This is especially true of those who may have developed so-called sexually deviant behaviors. In my own case, I have not yet been able to completely heal all my sexual wounds. I am however able to experience thoroughly satisfying sex, by myself or with a partner... as long as I am able to accept my limitations.

Sexuality is an absolutely natural activity: just as natural as eating or drinking. After all, we are born from sex and we are driven (consciously or not) by the impulses and energies of our sexuality. This is true for most aspects of our lives. In order to be able to fully enjoy sex, I have had to cleanse myself of guilt. This is a continuing process that has taken me several decades.

### HEALING AND CELEBRATING OUR SEXUALITY TOGETHER

Because of limitations of space, I will not be able to share much more about sexuality in this book. I will definitely try to expand about sexuality and many of its ramifications in my next books. I believe that it is essential for couples to become able to heal their sexuality and to learn to thoroughly enjoy their sexuality **together**. We need to do so to the limit of our comfort and of our capacity. We also need to learn to accept and to forgive ourselves for our limitations.

My wish is that couples may become able to thoroughly enjoy the sex that they have together. I wish that couples may eventually become able to "celebrate" their sexuality in all the many wonderful and surprising ways in which we may experience our sexuality. We may enjoy sex better if we are able to discuss our needs and our limitations before we begin. We also need to be aware that tenderness, affection, sensuality, love and sex lie on a continuum. We may give each other a great deal of affection and we may touch each other with love and tenderness... **without having sex**.

Some of the ways in which we may enjoy sex may include: giving each other tender cuddles on the couch; touching each other in moments of mutual receptivity; having limited foreplay without sex; taking showers together; giving each other sexual massages; cross-masturbating; having "sex by appointment;" experiencing tantric sex or something approximating it. I would like to attract the right woman in my life in order to be able to explore and to celebrate our sexuality together... to the limit of our capacity. For some of the many wonderful possibilities offered by sex I refer you to the audio _Sex, Tee-Hee_ by Annette Goodheart. In it she espouses the merits of "sex by appointment." I also refer you to the book _Is There Sex After Marriage?_ by Carol Botwin.

## _Chapter 14_

## **_Beginning to Heal Our Relationships_**

### RENEGOTIATING EXISTING RELATIONSHIPS

All the tools and processes that I share with you in this chapter may be applied to new relationships as well as to existing ones. It is fairly obvious that negotiating new relationships is a whole lot easier than trying to renegotiate existing ones. This is especially true if they have become in any way "toxic." The difficulty of renegotiating is probably one of the main reasons for separation and divorce.

In an existing relationship, especially in one that has become "toxic," we need to ask ourselves whether we really (... really!) want to continue to be together. If the love, the fire and the fun have totally gone from our relationship; if we no longer "feel" anything for one another, it may probably be a good idea to simply "let go." Perhaps we don't feel anything for each other because we were not meant to be a couple in the first place. Perhaps we were meant to be together only for a limited time. If we decide that we still want to be together, we may want to start by renegotiating our existing relationship.

**Beware** : it may be dangerous to create excessive and destructive reactions, especially in existing relationships. It is wise to give notice of any major changes that we intend to make in our relationship. This applies just as much as to how we exercise our power as to any patterns and habits that we may have established together. This applies to asserting ourselves or to playing the "role of victim." This applies as much to love relationships as to relationships at work or elsewhere.

### NEGOTIATING NEW RELATIONSHIPS

I would only want to enter into a committed relationship if I were to find the rare jewel who truly lights my "fire" and for whom I would feel sufficient desire and passion. When the right time came, I would want to try to find out whether my partner is ready to utilize our relationship to heal ourselves **together**. I would want to discover whether she would want to utilize our relationship for mutual self-transformation. I would want to discover whether she was willing to make our relationship one of the major projects of her life. Eventually, I would want to ask her whether she was willing to explore new ways and to venture where she had not dared venture before. I hope that I would have sufficient wisdom and patience to wait to ask her... until the right time came and until we were both ready.

I would want to discover whether my partner is ready to celebrate life and our relationship every day of our life. Most of all, I would want to discover whether she is able to be playful; whether she is ready to have an incredible amount of fun with me. I would like us to make a "game" out of it. I would not want our relationship to feel like "work." Over the past twenty five years, since I became divorced, I have been a bachelor and my love relationships have been few and far in between. Most of them did not last more than a few months. However, a few years ago I did meet a woman who did light my "fire." Our relationship lasted almost two years. In this relationship I actually had the opportunity to practice most of the principles, processes and tools that I share with you in this book. Do you know what? THEY WORK!

### HEALING TOGETHER?

My girlfriend and I talked about how to practice healthy and happy relationships from the very first time we met. On The One hand (OTO), we were extremely lucky that we had a lot in common. We had both been willing to live without a partner since our respective divorces. We had both been able to wait a very long time in order to avoid getting trapped in codependent relationships. On The Other hand (OTO), it was also quite clear that in our personal lives we had some needs and priorities that were quite different.

For me, there is nothing quite as essential as my self-love and no priority that is greater than my process of self-transformation. For my girlfriend, it was a lot easier to be of service to others than to herself. It was easier for her to love others than to love herself. I have chosen to concentrate my efforts on self-healing and, as a result, I am enjoying an advanced state of rejuvenation. While my girlfriend enjoyed good health, rejuvenation was not quite as essential for her as it is for me.

### A RELATIONSHIP DIARY

I am very glad that I have developed the habit of diarizing all essential activities and aspects of my life. Diarizing reinforces, deepens and amplifies any process in which I am involved. I began diarizing my relationship with my girlfriend almost as soon as we started going out together. We met in an association to which we both belonged, and we had the opportunity to practice most of our favorite activities together. On the one hand (OTO), we had very much in common. On the other hand (OTO), it was quite evident that we had quite different characters and that our lifestyles were very different... especially when we were not together.

My girlfriend was one of the friendliest and most sociable human beings that I have ever met. I had never met anybody who had as many friends as she did. She was constantly driving back and forth from one activity or from one friend to another. While I am quite gregarious, I also enjoy being alone. This works out very well for me because as a writer I need to spend a lot of time alone. Fortunately, many of our differences turned out to be complementary. At least initially, any conflicts that we had, we were able to resolve in a relatively short time.

### SOCIAL SKILLS

In the previous chapter we have already taken a look at Emotional Intelligence and Social Skills. Of course, most of the tools and processes that I share with you about how to heal our relationships may be considered to be social skills and Essential Links. Here are some of the basic processes that I have learned to practice in trying to develop a healthy relationship:

• To seek mutuality in respecting and fulfilling our needs, desires and capacities.

• To practice active listening and to provide regular and sufficient feedback.

• To remember that love, friendship and trust are based on mutual respect and on developing healthy boundaries.

• To try not to overreact. To ask for clarification and to give each other the benefit of the doubt: "We are basically good people who have been wounded."

• To try to be authentic, honest, and transparent whenever possible.

• To be willing to become progressively vulnerable with each other, to the degree that is appropriate and desirable... at the time.

• To express our needs regularly and to assert ourselves as soon, as well and as often as necessary.

• To allow ourselves to express our feelings, our anger, and our fears. To do so immediately or (if we do not wish to spoil the magic of the moment) to express it at the next opportune moment.

• To develop healthy boundaries. To continue to negotiate what we wish to place in the basket marked "us" and what we wish to keep separate.

• To proceed slowly and progressively, by degrees, by stages and by steps. This implies that we need to be prudent and discreet. Personally I still have difficulty in practicing this last one consistently. I still need to make progress in most of the other social skills.

### SHARING AND REQUESTING FEEDBACK

My girlfriend and I were very lucky because we were both able to be extremely honest and authentic with each other. We had been able to be so from the very beginning. We were able to share and to show our feelings. We had been able to do so at almost any time and about almost anything. We had also been able to ask each other for feedback, almost every time we needed feedback from each other. Giving sufficient feedback to our partners is an essential way to let them know that we have been listening to them. I learned a lot from my girlfriend about relationships in general, and about how to be a better listener, in particular.

### PERMISSION TO BE AUTHENTIC AND SPONTANEOUS

My girlfriend and I did not even have to ask each other for permission to be authentic with each other. In most kinds of relationships, it may not be possible to ask **explicitly** for permission to be authentic. This may develop as an "understanding" between people as they evolve in their relationships. In most of my relationships, I have been able to determine (... eventually) just how honest, responsible and reliable people are. I have also been able to determine to what extent I may trust them. With some business associates, I feel that I may be quite authentic and that I may make myself quite vulnerable. With others this may not be possible. I have also learned to read the signs of changes in my relationships a little bit better. I still need to make progress, however I am now better able to react and to adapt to them more readily.

### PERMISSION TO EXPRESS OUR NEEDS, DESIRES AND DREAMS

It is essential for me to "feel" that I have permission to express my needs. This is something that I was not always able to do in the past. Some of my needs may be very small, such as choosing to add a lot of spices to my food. Some of my needs may be major, such as my need for a lot of rest and to be able to spend sufficient time alone. Some of my needs may be relatively mundane, such as going kayaking or camping with my partner. Some needs may be much more personal such as the need to dance as often as I can and to have tender and satisfying sex with my lover.

### MUTUAL RESPECT

As far as I am concerned, love and respect are practically synonymous. I believe that in order to love ourselves and others we need to be able to respect ourselves and others. Respecting myself means that I will avoid doing harm to myself; that I will avoid "beating myself up" with a toxic inner dialogue; that I will try to be forgiving with myself and others. Respecting others means that I need to do my best to try to accept them **as they are now** , without attempting to change them. Respecting others means that I need to accept the right of others to be different from me. I need to accept their right to think differently and to believe in what I do not believe. This may be far from easy.

If I am unable to accept others as they are, or their right to be different from me, I need to work on myself. There may be some changes in each other's behaviors or values that we may be able to negotiate between partners. It is usually easier to do so if we manage to make a game out of it and if we try to have some fun while doing it. What is important is that we make some progress and that we valorize the tiniest progress. We seek progress, not perfection. The key question is, "Are we going in the right direction?" More on this in my next books.

One of the best ways in which to respect myself and others is to try to deal with each other "Heart-to-Heart." We need to do so whenever possible, and for as long as possible. This is how my girlfriend and I had been trying to deal with each other from the beginning. On one of our first dates I made the mistake of falling into the role of "savior"; fortunately I was able to apologize to her before our date was over. The next time I talked to her, I promised her that for the following ninety days, I would try my best not to fall back into that role. I am happy to report that, by utilizing the tools and the processes that I am sharing with you, I was able to keep my promise to her.

### THE VELCRO STAGE

I learned about the "Velcro stage" from an audio cassette by M. Scott Peck to which I used to listen over and over again. One of the greatest mistakes that many couples make is to try and become attached to each other too quickly and to cohabit too soon: sometimes w-a-a-y too soon. On the one hand (OTO), it is quite understandable that, when we find somebody who truly turns us on, we wish to spend a lot of time with them. On the other hand (OTO), when we spend too much time together, we tend to proceed too quickly. By doing so, we quite often fail to assert ourselves. We fail to say "No" far too often and we fail to express our needs as often as we would like. In many cases we may be so eager to please one another that we may try to avoid conflicts at all costs.

### TOGETHERNESS AND SEPARATENESS

My girlfriend and I practiced trying to navigate Back and Forth (BAF) between togetherness and separateness. This was, of course, made easier by the fact that I lived in the country, more than an hour's drive from her. Yet even when I stayed at her place for several days, my girlfriend provided me with a separate room and at night we slept separately. We only slept together at night when we travelled. Of course, after returning to my place, I did miss her warmth and her touch. However, within a day or two I was able to adjust and to enjoy my aloneness once again.

### ESTABLISHING HEALTHY BOUNDARIES

Learning to establish healthy boundaries is one of the most important and one of the most difficult processes that I have had to learn. Because I grew up in a dysfunctional and codependent family, I had not been encouraged to develop healthy boundaries. I am now able to do so, and I am becoming able to do so better and faster.

Of course, with my girlfriend, establishing healthy boundaries was made easier because we did not live together. We each were already leading very active lives independently of each other. When we were together, establishing healthy boundaries meant that I may have had to excuse myself when she talked on the telephone or when her neighbors dropped in unexpectedly. There were a few occasions when I did have to assert myself. Sometimes I had to ask my girlfriend to limit her social life while we were together. Some friends and some of the activities in which we were involved separately, were never shared together.

Over the years, I have also learned to establish healthy boundaries with most of my friends, and especially with my most intimate friends. This process has been made easier because I live in the country and because I enjoy being alone. I do like to mix friendship and work and friendship with business. On the one hand (OTO), this makes the process more challenging. On the other hand (OTO), it also makes for much deeper and truer friendships. I find that I am able to develop much greater trust with those friends with whom I also share a business or a creative relationship. This is true of my stockbroker, of my friends who proofread and edit my manuscripts, of some of my therapists and of some of my Biodanza teachers. Mixing money, business and creativity with true and lasting friendships would, of course, be impossible if those involved were not able to establish healthy boundaries. We need to be able to assert ourselves and to let others know where not to go.

### SEMI-COMMITTED RELATIONSHIPS

I truly cared a lot for my girlfriend. When we did spend some significant time in tender-loving intimacy, I "felt" that I would always like to be with her. Early in our relationship, I made the mistake of expressing this feeling to her, without properly qualifying what I was saying. This caused her to interpret that I wanted to cohabit with her in the near future. She was definitely not ready to do so.

When I got back home I realized the mistake I had made. The next time I visited her at her place I clarified the situation. I let her know that in fact I was in absolutely no hurry at all to cohabit with her. My girlfriend was so visibly relieved that she made an audible sigh of relief. She told me that it helped her to "let go" of a huge amount of pressure. Over the next couple of weeks, just to be sure that there would be no misunderstanding, I followed up with a short letter. I put in writing the agreements that we had been able to negotiate between us, up to that point. Here is a slightly edited excerpt:

_My darling,_

_To begin, I will put in writing the agreements that we have reached so far:_

_• I am absolutely in no hurry to cohabit with you._

• _I do not expect any commitments. I am quite prepared to proceed one day at a time, one date at a time, one event at a time._

• _I will do my best not to have any unreasonable expectations._

• _I have no intention of marrying you._

_My darling, you are HUGELY important to me and so is our relationship. I am having a lot of fun with you and I will do everything in my power to try to make our relationship succeed._

### MORE PRACTICAL TOOLS AND PROCESSES

Human beings are extremely complex. Relationships tend to be extremely complex as well (whether we are conscious of it or not). Because of this extreme complexity, I will require several books in order to share with you all that I have learned about relationships and about self-transformation. Most of the processes that I share have evolved organically over the course of human history and over my own lifetime. I need to share this evolutionary process stage by stage and layer by layer. This process mirrors the way in which we have evolved in our learning process from year to year. We need to proceed at a rhythm that reflects our capacity to learn, to grow and to evolve.

I don't have much more space left in this chapter. I will therefore introduce you to some of the other tools and processes in my next books. I will do so in greater detail and in more depth.

### NOT ACCEPTING EXCUSES

It was from William Glasser's _Reality Therapy_ that I learned to take greater responsibility for my actions and my emotions. I learned to not allow myself to be manipulated by "guilt-ing" and "shame-ing." As far as our relationships are concerned, Glasser teaches us not to accept excuses from others, especially when they are trying to manipulate or hurt us. There is, of course, a big difference between not accepting manipulative excuses, and not accepting an honest and sincere apology. Dysfunctional and codependent people tend to make a lot of excuses for their unhealthy and manipulative behavior.

### THE TIP OF THE ICEBERG

Another lesson that I have learned from _Reality Therapy_ is to always deal with "the tip of the iceberg." If I am able to deal with whatever "surfaces" in my life each day, eventually I will be able to deal with the entire iceberg! It is therefore essential for me to be self-aware and to assert myself in my relationships. I want to do so as soon, as well and as often as necessary. I want to be able to cleanse myself from as much anger and anxiety as possible. I don't wish to accumulate any more toxicity.

### ASSERTIVENESS: LEVEL ONE

Asserting ourselves may not be easy. Sometimes it may actually be extremely hard. This may be especially true when dealing with people who may be difficult or with people in authority. It has now become essential for me to be able to assert myself. To do so at least to the degree that is minimally sufficient for me... at the time. I may for example ask, "Why are you saying/doing this?" or "What is going on here?" or "Am I obliged to do this?" or quite simply, "I don't agree... " What is truly important for me is to do the minimum, but to do at least that. Usually, this opens the door to do more... later. When I am ready and when I feel stronger, I may be able to assert myself a little better and a little sooner.

### NON-VIOLENT COMMUNICATION (NVC): ISSUES NOT PERSONALITIES

It is essential for me that in our relationships we refrain from all violence, physical as well as verbal or emotional. In practice, this means that we need to deal with our anger in ways that are effective. If we feel too angry, we may choose to withdraw temporarily and give ourselves time to eliminate the "poison" from our system. It is also essential that we deal with issues and not with personalities. This means that we don't attack others; we try not to hurt others; we don't insult others; we don't criticize others; we don't make remarks that may be inappropriate or too personal. If you wish to know more about this, you may visit the Center for Nonviolent Communication at www.cnvc.org.

### CONFLICT RESOLUTION: THE SIMPLIFIED FAIR FIGHT

In the book _Creative Aggression_ , the authors introduce us to their version of a "Fair Fight." In our very busy daily lives we may not always have the time or the energy to organize a semi-formal "Fair Fight." If you have a problem with the word "fight" you may substitute a word of your choice. What is essential is that we become able to fight fairly at any time, anywhere and regarding just about anything. We need to do so without failing to assert ourselves, without insulting and without attacking each other.

_We deal with issues, not with personalities!_

### CHANGING PATTERNS INSTEAD OF BLAMING

This is one of the secrets of healthy relationships. I have been able to practice changing my patterns for a long time with my children, with my friends and with others. I also had a wonderful opportunity to practice this with my girlfriend. The incidents between us were relatively few. Most of the time, we managed to avoid blaming each other and we tried our best not to fall back into our old sick patterns.

### CREATING A SAFE SPACE - ROLE PLAYS & REHEARSALS

It is far easier to practice role plays when we are taking part in a group workshop led by an experienced facilitator. However, it is even more urgent to be able to practice these tools in our daily lives, whenever issues surface and conflicts develop. Learning to practice role plays and other "games" in our daily lives, is one of the main purposes of this series of books. Personally, I have found that these tools are extremely practical and effective. I encourage you to try them... at least once.

We may choose to have a "Fair Fight" and add a few elements of role play or psychodrama to it. It is however essential that we create a "safe space" around it. A "safe space," in its simplest form, may consist of a space where we may have sufficient privacy so as not to feel inhibited, overheard or interrupted. We may, for example, fight at our kitchen table while having a meal. We may choose not to answer the telephone or the doorbell. It might be a good idea to place a small "please don't disturb" sign outside the door. We may want to decide together on the main issue with which we are going to deal in a fair fight. We do so to avoid feeling threatened that our partner may "ambush" us.

### PILLOW FIGHTS: THEY WORK LIKE MAGIC!

One of the ways by which we can get the "poison" out of our systems, is to give ourselves permission to have pillow fights. Because I noticed that my son had difficulty expressing his anger, I started practicing pillow fights with my children when they were still quite little. Pillow fights worked like magic! We always established a "safe" space and some basics rules that prevented us from hurting each other unnecessarily. We removed or secured anything that might injure us or cause any damage to our property.

Eventually, my daughter decided to take part in them as well. She liked them just as much as my son and I did. I recommend pillow fights without hesitation, as long as they are practiced in a safe space and without trying to hurt each other on purpose. Because a pillow fight may get quite aggressive, we may hurt each other a little. This is fine, as long as it is the kind of hurt that is superficial and that will disappear in a relatively short time. Pillow fights are not only extremely effective, they can also be quite playful.

Pillow fights and other techniques of creative aggression are effective because we are cleansed from the "poison" that was inside us. They are also effective because, having been able to practice them without hurting each other unnecessarily, we are able to develop a much greater degree of trust in each other. Actually, we may develop a degree of trust that is much deeper than we could possibly have imagined. This is especially true if we continue to deal with our issues and our aggressiveness, as well and as often as necessary. Pillow fights are one of the most effective processes by which we may transform aggressiveness into love, joy and trust. They can also be lots of fun!

### MINIMIZING THE DAMAGE (MTD)

We may begin by "mirroring" back to others some of the behavior that we have found objectionable or disturbing. My girlfriend did so on some occasions. With the permission and the participation of our partner, we may wish to "act out" some of the sick roles that we wish to change in ourselves. We may rehearse a situation from the past from which our sick patterns emerged, or a situation during which we acted "Wound-to-Wound" with each other. If we want to avoid falling back into our old sick patterns, it is very effective to rehearse them. When we rehearse, we may also try to rehearse new and healthier patterns. We need to do so without any blame for what we have done in the past. Our intent is to do a little better in the future.

It is very useful to **contract** with ourselves that we will congratulate ourselves for even the tiniest progress that we have been able to make. Minimizing the Damage (MTD) is one of the most effective strategies that I have learned to utilize. This implies that we congratulate ourselves even if the next time we manage to cause a little less damage (MTD). This also constitutes progress! If we learn to "valorize" the tiniest progress, the results will probably astonish us.

### ACTING FROM OUR HEARTS

It is very important for me to try to act from my heart whenever possible. I have observed that the happiest relationships are the ones in which the participants are able to act "Heart-to-Heart." My girlfriend and I were very fortunate to have been able maintain ourselves in a "Heart-to-Heart" relationship most of the time. I have become increasingly able to deal "Heart-to-Heart" with most people around me. I am also able to do so more often. First of all, I have had to develop a "Heart-to-Heart" relationship with myself. I have had to learn to forgive myself and others more readily... a little more thoroughly and... a little more often.

### CORRECTING OURSELVES AND FORGIVING EACH OTHER

Forgiveness may indeed be one of the great secrets of happiness. Forgiveness is a practically **continuous process**. Over the years I have continued to deepen my "Heart-to-Heart" connection with myself and with others. I have developed a rather complex process that I try to practice every day of my life. I will share more about this in my next books.

### DEVELOPING A COMMON GROUND AND SOME RITUALS

Some groups and some couples may have been together for a while. They may have developed some degree of toxicity in their relationships. It may be a good idea to try to develop some "common ground." We may start by trying to share in a way that is a little bit more authentic than before. We may try practicing some of the processes that I have shared with you in this book. When we feel ready to do so, we may want to decide whether we are ready to begin to forgive each other for past mistakes and hurts. We need to decide whether we are ready to get out of a "Wound-to-Wound" relationship and into a "Heart-to-Heart" relationship. If we have failed to do so in the past, it may be helpful if we start to use some "magic words" such as "please," "thank you" and "I am sorry." We may want to develop some Rituals that may help us to forgive ourselves and to remain in a Heart-to-Heart connection. I will expand about rituals in my next books.

### OUR DREAMS: SEPARATELY AND TOGETHER

Several years ago, I reached a point in my life where I began to work actively to make my dreams come true. I am now able to work more and more consistently on the dreams that I wish to realize. Most especially I want to realize my dreams to publish this series of books and to create a community that is collaborative, co-responsible and co-creative (co-co-co). More about this in Chapter 15.

### ARE WE HAVING FUN TOGETHER?

Children are usually able to have so much more fun than adults because they are quick to turn almost everything into a game. Children also tend not to take life nearly as seriously as adults tend to do, and usually find it a lot easier to get over anything that has hurt them. Children are able to forgive themselves and others much more readily and much more thoroughly than adults. Most children have not yet accumulated all the deep hurts that adults have accumulated. Therefore children are able to heal themselves far more quickly.

There is much that adults could learn from children, especially from happy and healthy children who are able to thoroughly enjoy life. We need to find the "game" in whatever it is that we are doing, and try to inject fun, comedy and laughter in our life more often. Doing so will make us a lot happier and our relationships a lot healthier.

### THE RULES OF THE GAME

In my relationships, one of my main expectations is that we avoid manipulating each other and that we avoid playing "games of control." I would also like to be able to develop the "Rules of the Game" together. In the next chapter I will share with you the "Rules of the Game." I propose them for any group in which I might want to participate actively. I believe that most of those rules apply just as well for couples as for groups. Personally, I try to practice these rules more as a set of fluid, integrated and evolving processes. This "process of processes" may lead to healthy group dynamics and to happy and fulfilling relationships.

### POWER AND DECISION-MAKING

Personally, I prefer to deal with issues of power as soon as they tend to surface. I tend to want to clarify and bring to light any informal "understandings" and any agreements that we may have developed. I don't hesitate to negotiate, if I feel the need to do so. I insist in taking part in any decision that affects me. If I am not able to assert myself or to negotiate immediately, I try to do so as soon as I am ready. Of course, when we are acting in consensus, there may be no need to actually discuss all issues. A simple way to avoid fights between couples is to accept that, when we are visiting the home of the other, the "house rules" of the other will apply, and vice versa.

I was therefore quite willing to let my girlfriend take the lead when I was visiting her home, when I was working in her garden or when I was a passenger in her car. I will, of course, never relinquish responsibility for my health, for my happiness or for my safety. For example, on the very few occasions in which I did not feel safe while my girlfriend was driving, I told her so.

I have already shared some of the major agreements that I negotiated with my girlfriend. One of the major issues with which we had to deal was about how to organize our first camping trip together. Because we are both well-equipped and experienced campers, we were able to agree rather easily on how to proceed. The process of decision-making was made much easier since I was quite willing to use her car and to allow her to do all the driving. In return, she agreed to my request to use most of her camping equipment. She also agreed to make our first camping trip shorter than we had originally planned. Our next trip was much longer and we shared the driving.

### ACCEPTABLE COMPROMISES

One of the major compromises that I was willing to make with my girlfriend was that, when we were together, we spent most of our time at her place. That worked out well for both of us. She was extremely well equipped to have visitors. She lived in an absolutely wonderful neighborhood, where it was extremely easy to practice almost any type of sports from kayaking to cross-country skiing.

Being able to make compromises that are reasonable and acceptable to all parties is very much a part of negotiating healthy and lasting relationships. Negotiating and making compromises deals with the processes of power-sharing and decision-making. Quite often, couples and groups avoid or postpone having to deal openly and directly with issues of power-sharing. Quite often, the "understandings" that develop between couples (and in some groups), are not discussed openly. Many couples are unhappy or codependent because one of them is more dominant than the other, while the other one usually tends to be submissive or plays the role of victim. This, of course, applies just as well to groups.

### DO WE NEED MORE DRAMA IN OUR RELATIONSHIPS?

I am a man of the theatre and I have a very active Italian side. I love drama and I like to keep the volume and the intensity at a high level. My girlfriend was able to let me know, in unequivocal terms, that she did not enjoy unnecessary drama in her life. She would prefer that I toned it down! She did so in a way that I found very efficient. On some occasions she actually mirrored back to me the behavior that upset her. She did so more or less as we may do in a session of Psychodrama or of role playing. Because I practiced the methods and the processes that I share with you in this book, I was able to correct my behavior rather quickly.

### SELF-AWARENESS

One of the reasons why my girlfriend and I were able to react so well to most of the problems that developed between us, was because we were both quite self-aware. Because we were both self-aware, we were able to see more clearly what was happening. We were able to accept responsibility for our actions more readily. The more readily we are able to accept responsibility for our actions and our behaviors, the more readily we are able to do something about them. This is especially true if we practice the tools and the processes that I share with you in this book. Of course, being self-aware is not a faculty that I always possessed. On the contrary, when I was young I spent much of my time getting drunk and escaping from reality.

### CRISIS AND CONFLICTS

Because my girlfriend and I were both aware of our actions and of our feelings, our first crisis was very short-lived. It was not so much a crisis as another learning experience. My girlfriend needed to learn to express her anger more readily. I learned not to talk about issues that were unnecessarily disturbing to her. We both had an opportunity to reinforce our desire not to fall into toxic patterns: patterns such as trying to change the other or falling into the role of savior. In the crisis and conflicts that followed we usually did quite well. We did well enough, until the last conflict, which ended our relationship.

Over the almost two years during which we were together, my girlfriend and I managed to maintain a Heart-to-Heart relationship most of the time. The trouble started whenever we fell into a Wound-to-Wound relationship. We had both been severely wounded. During times of crisis, we tended to fall into our old dysfunctional and self-defeating patterns. I tended to fall into the role of the "savior" and I tended to give her unsolicited advice. Together, we tended to get trapped into the pattern of the "emotional pursuer and the distancer." It was this pattern that finally doomed our relationship. Fortunately, we managed to conclude our relationship in a mature and friendly way. We were able to congratulate ourselves for having done much better than in the past and for all the progress that we had made together.

In my own experience, the following are the main reasons why we create conflicts in intimate relationships:

• Failure to be authentic and to express our emotions freely.

• Failure to express our needs and our desires.

• Failure to assert ourselves adequately and appropriately.

• Failure to make ourselves sufficiently vulnerable, when appropriate to do so.

• Failure to establish healthy boundaries.

• Failure to negotiate our relationship of power.

When we fail to assert ourselves adequately, we usually tend to accumulate anger and resentments. This is what happened on a few occasions with my girlfriend. Rather early in our relationship, I ended up "dumping" a huge amount of anger on her. I managed to scare her, and she made it clear that she was not willing to accept such behavior from me.

By utilizing the tools that I share with you in this book, I was able to examine my behavior and its causes. I realized that I was playing out a dysfunctional pattern that I had incorporated from my family of origin. I was able to accept the causes of my totally inappropriate behavior. I was also able to decide that I no longer needed to utilize such a behavior. I was able to forgive myself, correct my behavior and make amends to my girlfriend.

### LETTER-WRITING

There are times when it may be extremely difficult to assert ourselves with our lovers, colleagues or superiors. This may be especially true in well-established relationships or with people in authority. At times like these, I have found that it is easier for me to express myself in writing than to do so verbally. In order to make proper amends to my girlfriend, I decided to write her a letter which I reproduce below in a slightly modified form

_My darling,_

_first of all I wish to thank you for your patience, for your courage and especially for not "running away" during the past few weeks. I believe that these past few weeks have been the most trying in our relationship. It has never been my intention to control you, to "own" you, to manipulate you or to force you to do anything that you don't want to do. I hope that you have noticed the progress that I have made in the last couple of months in managing my anger and in other aspects of my life. I am very sorry for any pain that I may have caused you. I hope that you will be able to forgive me._

_I am very impressed by your courage and for daring to have "pillow-fights" with me even though you may be terrified of losing control and hurting me. The loss of control is one of the greatest fears from which human beings may suffer, myself included. Do not be worried about hurting me. I have practiced Martial Arts for many years and I know how to protect and how to defend myself._

_I have had much experience expressing my aggressiveness in many creative ways and without doing any real damage. I find that pillow fights are usually quite miraculous and I expect that they will do us a huge amount of good. I do however understand that you may be frightened by aggressiveness and by anger. In the future I will try to deal with my anger even better: I will try to empty myself of anger before it accumulates. I will try to be even gentler, without repressing my emotions or sacrificing my true self._

_I have tried to express my needs as well as I could. Basically, I would very much appreciate if we could experience the deep feelings of intimacy and of communion, not only in the bedroom but elsewhere. I ask you for your help and I encourage you to always assert yourself. Please feel free to express your needs; please stop me at any time you feel uncomfortable with me or with anything that I may be doing or saying._

_We have managed to have a huge amount of fun with just about every activity in which we have been involved, such as exchanging massages, kayaking, canoeing, skiing, travelling and participating in activities that we both enjoy. We are able to enjoy ourselves immensely while cooking, while gardening, while dancing in the kitchen, while we cuddle and while we walk hand in hand at sunset. Please let me know if there is anything else that we may do in order to make our relationship even more fun._

_Please try to remember that I care very deeply for you. I send you all my love, from my Heart...with all my Heart._

### WHAT I EXPECT IN AN INTIMATE RELATIONSHIP

### EXPECTATIONS

I would like to avoid unreasonable expectations in regards to my partner and our relationship. I would like to be able to share with my partner Heart-to-Heart: to do so about all that is pertinent and essential in order to make our relationship work well. I would like to be able to do so, on a regular basis. I would expect that we both become willing to resolve our conflicts as soon and as well as possible. I would expect that we utilize Non-Violent Communication (NVC). I would expect that we fight fairly: dealing with issues and not with personalities. I would like to be able to make reasonable and mutually satisfying compromises. I would want to negotiate what we can negotiate and... to accept the rest.

### SELF-TRANSFORMATION

I totally agree with M. Scott Peck: the true test of our emotional and spiritual maturity can most readily be found in our relationships. This is especially true with our most intimate relationships. There is nothing more important in my life than my self-transformation. I want to become the best and the most mature being that I am capable of becoming. This applies especially to a sexual relationship with a loving partner. I fully understand that what I seek from a committed relationship is not necessarily what others may seek.

By self-transformation, I mean that I want to be able to heal myself from any unhealthy patterns that I have incorporated from my past relationships. I want to utilize my intimate relationships to help me to heal some of my deepest wounds: especially the emotional and the sexual wounds. I want to be able to smooth out my "rough edges." I want to continue to improve my social skills. I want to further expand my emotional intelligence. I want to be able to evolve in my capacity to love and to be loved.

### THE TOOLS AND THE PROCESSES

To transform ourselves and to heal our relationships together, I would like to practice the tools and the processes that I share with you in this book, such as:

• Being assertive.

• Establishing healthy boundaries.

• Developing the willingness to negotiate any aspects of our relationship.

• Negotiating our use of power.

• I would like to negotiate what we both would like to place in the basket marked "us," and what we wish to keep separate.

• I would also like to invite my partner to diarize our relationship and to share what we may be ready to share about that.

### SEX

I would like to be able to enjoy affectionate and satisfying sex in as many ways as my partner and I are ready to enjoy. On the one hand (OTO), I can masturbate all by myself. As I have already shared, I am able to do so in many wonderful, creative and most satisfying ways. On the other hand (OTO), with a lover who "turns me on," I can also experience the wonderful feeling of being loved by somebody else. I can experience the intense synergy that is created by the couple. My desire is that we express ourselves sexually, mainly but not exclusively, as an extension of our love.

### AFFECTION

I have become a very affectionate human being. I have developed the capacity to give and receive an absolutely amazing amount of affection. It is absolutely wonderful to feel deeply loved by people who are able to make us feel that we are special. This is even more wonderful with a loving partner.

### RESPECT

I believe that the foundation of love lies in respect, especially the willingness to respect the differences between ourselves and others. We need to do so without judging. Respect also implies the willingness to be understanding, compassionate, sensitive and considerate. Respect implies that I will try to practice Active Listening as well and as often as possible.

### THE PROCESS OF ACCEPTANCE

To be able to accept others as they are and to try NOT to change them is not easy. Trying to deal with others Heart-to-Heart rather than Wound-to-Wound is also not easy. These are all processes and, as with all processes, they require time, practice and patience. We need to begin with some degree of self-awareness. We need to "get into" the process of acceptance which, as we have seen in Chapter 5, means that we need to learn to navigate (BAF) between denial and acceptance.

I have found it very useful and immensely practical to remember not to be too demanding of myself and to try not to be perfectionistic: "We seek progress not perfection."

### ACTIVITIES AND PROJECTS IN COMMON

Of course, I would like to be able to share some of my favorite activities with my partner such as:

• Dialoguing and sharing on a regular basis: Heart-to-Heart.

• Dancing: as often as possible in our kitchen and just about everywhere.

• Showering or sharing a hot tub together.

• Giving each other massages.

• Gardening.

• Practicing sports and outdoor activities such as walking hand in hand together at sunset, biking, canoeing, kayaking, skiing, camping etc.

• Traveling. My dream is to take my partner to Argentina for a month of Tango.

• Belonging to groups and organizations which we both enjoy.

• Participating in workshops and conferences on healing, self-transformation and on subjects of common interest.

### COMPANIONSHIP

In a truly loving and fun relationship, I would like us to become true "playmates," as two happy children would be able to be. More and more I seek to be playful whenever I can. I try to laugh more often and to make others laugh. Generally, I try to have more fun. Playfulness and games are not reserved for children. Adults can be as playful as they like, especially in situations where playfulness is appropriate.

Some of the movies that I watch most often are those that are entertaining and that show adults being playful. Movies such as: _You 've_ _Got Mail_ , with Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan; _Truly Madly Deeply_ with Juliet Stevenson and Alan Rickman; _Cannery Row_ , with Nick Nolte and Debra Winger; and _Finding Neverland_ , with Johnny Depp and Kate Winslet, in which adults and children play together and allow their imaginations to take wing.

### ROMANCE

I love romance and I am able to be very romantic. I would also prefer to have a partner who is quite romantic. With a girlfriend, I try to play romantic music, to dance, and to hug as often as we can. I like to tell her that I love her... often. Whenever we can, I like to eat by candlelight, even at lunch time. I try to buy my girlfriend flowers and presents as often as I can afford to do so. I love to watch romantic movies, not only when we are together, but also when I am alone. I love to write poems, especially poems that are inspired by love and romance.

### SUCCESS?!

The following is the standard by which I judge my success in an intimate relationship.

• The degree by which we have been able to grow, to have fun together and to empower each other.

• The degree by which I have been able to make my partner feel thoroughly loved, respected and appreciated.

## _AS ONE HUMAN BEING TO ANOTHER_

This book is sold with the understanding that the author is not offering any kind of medical, psychological, financial or professional advice. Absolutely no warranties or guaranties are expressed or implied. Neither the publisher nor the author shall be liable for any physical, psychological, emotional, financial, or commercial damages, including, but not limited to, special, incidental, consequential or other damages.

I would like you to keep in mind that in this book I don't share from the point of view of an expert or a professional. I share the tools and the processes that I practice and that have proven to be consistently successful for me. I do so as one human being to another. Please remember that what may work extremely well for somebody, may not work well at all for somebody else. We need to be realistic, reasonable and responsible. When making changes in our lives, in our habits and in our diets, it is wise to proceed slowly and gradually. We need to do so over a reasonably long period of time: months or years, rather than days or weeks.

I would also like to remind you that the statements in this book have not been reviewed or approved by medical authorities. I urge you to seek the help of therapists and professionals that you trust. I urge you to consult a professional health care practitioner, whenever you need to do so. In conclusion, I would like to urge you to please:

_" Take what you like and leave the rest."_

## _**Part Four**_

## _Chapter 15_

## _**Our Emotional Village**_

### MY PATH: COLLABORATIVE \- CO-RESPONSIBLE \- CO-CREATIVE = (CO-CO-CO)

I need to respect my conscience, honor my beliefs and practice and reinforce what is good for me. I hope that by sharing the processes from which I have benefited so much, I will encourage others to try them. Eventually I hope to find a sufficient number of people who are willing to come together with me to establish an "Emotional Village" based on the principles of:

_collaborative - co-responsible - co-creative = (co-co-co)_

### WHY IS IT EMOTIONAL?

I call it "emotional" because I would like to live in a community of whole and authentic human beings. Human beings who are not afraid to "feel" and express their emotions. Human beings who are able to assert themselves appropriately and who are able to say "No," when it is necessary to say so. Human beings who are able to establish healthy and safe boundaries: to be able to do so is essential. My experience and the experience of many others have taught us this. For more on being able to assert ourselves, I refer you back to Part Three on relationships.

### COMMUNITY BUILDING: SOME BASIC PRINCIPLES

### "THE CONTINUUM CONCEPT"

In Chapter 4, I shared about Jean Liedloff's book, _The Continuum Concept_. In it we may discover the natural and organic processes that human beings require in order to become happy, healthy, sociable and cooperative. We may become such only by receiving the kind of affection and care **that we all deserve**. We need to grow up free from unnecessary criticism, free from guilt and free from artificial and excessive expectations.

### ESSENTIAL LINKS

I share about the natural and organic processes that human being require in order to grow up into happy, healthy, whole and authentic human beings. These I consider to be Essential Links. If any are missing, we may begin to suffer from a more or less severe case of Missing Links. This chapter is dedicated to the process of community building, to the process of developing human connectedness and to the feeling of belonging. Therefore, all the human and social skills that are required for us to do so, I also consider to be Essential Links.

### SOME BASIC HUMAN NEEDS: PARENTING, NURTURING, MENTORING ETC.

In an "emotional village" of whole and authentic adults, our children and grandchildren would benefit from our nurturing and support throughout their "entire" lives. This would be an environment largely free from "guilting" and toxic shame. Our children and grandchildren would, hopefully, not feel the need to suffer as much as we did.

If I wish to enter into a community of whole and authentic human beings, I need to be a whole and authentic human being myself. First of all, I need to transform and to heal myself as completely as possible. I need to be able to become healthy and happy in my own skin: to enjoy my own company. I need to become as free from self-loathing and self-destructive behaviors as I can make myself. I need to reconnect myself to my own Total Self, in order to reconnect to the group. I also need to feel connected to the group in a way that is healthy and respectful of others, of their needs and of their differences.

Our "Emotional Village" would be a community in which we could heal ourselves and our relationships. We would do so utilizing the natural and organic processes that I share with you. It would be a community in which we would benefit from the nurturing and the emotional support which are essential for whole and authentic human beings. I know that this is possible and realistic because I, and countless others, have been able to do so. These processes, or similar ones, are also being utilized in Biodanza, Psychodrama, Holotropic Breathwork, and by many organizations around the world.

### WE NEED TO ASK FOR HELP

I need to do by myself, the work that I can only do alone. I also need to be able to ask for the help of others. This applies to our social behaviors as well as to our personal relationships. In Chapter 14, I dealt with how to heal our personal relationships **together**. In this chapter, I will begin to address the issues with which we need to deal in order to heal our relationship with the group. I have come to realize that becoming able not to criticize and not to judge others, is also a process. I need to remember that to change any behavior requires sufficient time and a huge amount of daily practice and reinforcement. Just as with any behavior modification, I have learned that I need to start by Minimizing the Damage (MTD) and to proceed by Baby Steps (B/S) and in Salami Slices (S/S) of time.

I did not really begin to heal until "Total Despair" forced me to ask for help. My experience and participation in several programs showed me that we need each other to heal ourselves. There is hardly anything more powerful and more empowering than feeling useful and feeling needed. After so many years of self-defeating and destructive behavior, it was wonderfully uplifting to have a chance to feel useful again. For me it was one of those rare experiences of "redemption and resurrection."

### WE NEED TO FEEL NEEDED

When I finally made it to A.A., I was still suffering from chronic depression. I was definitely not able to love myself well enough. I was still paralyzed, to a large extent, by an incredibly huge quantity of frozen anger, resentment, and guilt. I was still overwhelmed by a whole "brew" of toxic emotions. These toxic emotions were somatized in my body and were buried deep within my subconscious. I was still suffering from intense "self-loathing." Consequently, I was attacking and criticizing myself almost constantly.

From A.A., I learned that we need each other in order to stay sober. "We need you!" The fact that others may need me as much as I need them came as a wonderful realization. It was a tremendous boost to my poor battered ego. I felt supported by my sponsor and by the other members of my home group. I became increasingly active and I started to accept responsibilities within my group. Eventually, I started to sponsor others. Of course, I made every mistake possible, and I made them more than once. I did, however, stay sober and I did help others to stay sober.

Eventually, I learned many ways in which I could be of "service" to others. Even more importantly, I progressively began to "let go" of my anger, my guilt and the rest of the toxic brew that had accumulated within myself. Expressing my anger appropriately and "letting go" of my guilt was a process that evolved progressively over a very, very long period of time. At first it was very slow. This process of transforming my anger and letting go of my guilt was very scary and excruciatingly painful. It took me many years to learn to assert myself sufficiently and to clear my Total Self from the "brew" of toxic emotions (especially of guilt). I have learned that this is a never-ending process that keeps going deeper and deeper. I expect that this process will continue for a very long time... layer by layer.

One of my closest friends told me that he believed that one of the main purposes of our lives is to serve one another. Because he practiced what he preached, I had no problem believing him. At this point in my life, I am also trying to be of service to others in as many ways possible. I try to do so without falling into the role of "savior" and without making a martyr of myself. I actually enjoy giving to others as much as I enjoy receiving from others. Learning to "receive" from others has been even more difficult than learning to give.

### THE FEELING OF BELONGING

I believe that to feel that we belong is one of the most fundamental needs that we have. We probably develop this need right from the time we spent in our own mother's womb. This need and this "feeling" run very deep indeed! Most of us, whether we are conscious of it or not, have a deep need to feel that we belong to a community of human beings. One of the books that I have found most revealing about this is _The Different Drum_ , by M. Scott Peck. I have been guided by this book for decades and it is another one of my "Touchstones."

Most of us have grown up in modern, industrialized and highly technological societies, and most of us lead lives that are w-a-a-y too busy compared to what we have been programmed by Nature. Most of us may be unable to digest and integrate all the intellectual, psychological and emotional "hits" by which we are bombarded every day. As a result of our excessively busy and materialistic lifestyles, we become progressively more and more disconnected from our Total Selves and from Humanity as a whole. Eventually, this disconnectedness spreads to many aspects of our Total Selves. It does so at increasingly deeper and deeper levels. Levels that usually become more and more difficult for us to reach.

This pervasive disconnectedness will generate, deep within ourselves, a feeling of increasing dissatisfaction and emptiness. This may eventually develop into a gaping "Inner Void." Quite often our "Inner Void" may take the shape of self-destructive behavior or of depression. We need to remember that we may suffer from depression even if we are not fully aware of it. Depression, as everything else, also exists on a continuum. It may run from very mild to completely debilitating. It may be active at various depths of our subconscious selves. We navigate Back and Forth (BAF) along the continuum of depression as we do with any other process (whether we are conscious of it or not).

### HEART-TO-HEART

I believe that we need to connect to other human beings from our hearts and not just with our wallets. I have learned to deal Heart-to-Heart in my intimate relationships as well as with my friends. I am becoming increasingly capable of remaining in my heart for longer and longer periods of time. Being able to keep our hearts open to others, means that we need to protect ourselves and to assert ourselves. Saying "No" and establishing healthy boundaries is not always easy. It is, however, essential because it is hard to keep our hearts open when we allow others to hurt us.

As I have discovered, dealing with others Heart-to-Heart requires a lot of forgiveness. Forgiving is not always easy and forgiveness is also a process. Forgiveness is a process which evolves over time and that we need to cultivate and to deepen on a daily basis. As with most natural and organic processes, it has a fluid Back and Forth (BAF) motion. It is complementary and runs parallel with the progressive opening of our Hearts. For me it has, in fact, become an essential daily practice. The more I practice forgiveness, the more I am able to open and to protect my Heart. Doing so, I come to understand just how much more I need to forgive in myself and in others.

### TOGETHER ITS MORE FUN!

I am happy to report that I am now increasingly able to enjoy the process of giving and receiving from others. I have also progressively become able to have more fun while I am doing so. As much as I thoroughly enjoy my own company and my creative aloneness, I thoroughly enjoy most of the activities and exchanges that I have with others. This is especially true when I am involved in creative activities with a group of people whom I respect and with whom I feel safe. These may be groups of healers, therapists or dancers etc. I particularly enjoy participating in any form of theatre or dance such as Biodanza, Psychodrama or in sessions of Holotropic Breathwork. In fact I thoroughly enjoy most of the activities and exchanges that I have with others. I enjoy them as much as I enjoy my own company and my creative aloneness.

### SOCIAL SKILLS

In his books _Emotional Intelligence_ and _Social Intelligence_ , Daniel Goleman describes many ways in which we may practice our social skills. In the section that deals with our relationships, I have also tried to share what I have learned about social skills and how I have tried to practice them. When dealing with a group, we need to practice not only those skills that we practice with one person at a time. We also need to practice the skills that are necessary when dealing with a whole bunch of people at the same time.

Because of the deep emotional wounds from which I still suffer, when I enter a group, I need to be very careful not to demand too much attention and not to take up too much "space." I need to realize and accept what my role within the group is, on any particular day. I need to be careful not to usurp the power and the roles of others. When I was invited to supper for the first time at my daughter's future in-laws, I managed to thoroughly embarrass myself by talking too much and by taking up w-a-a-y too much "space." After supper my daughter expressed her disappointment at my behavior.

I took the time that was necessary, and I did a thorough review of the situation and of my behavior. I realized that, without meaning to do so, I had failed to adequately prepare myself for what was obviously a very difficult and **risky** situation. During the days immediately following my return home, I devoted a significant portion of my time to diarize and to compose a letter to my daughter. I offered to make my amends and to do any necessary repair work.

What we learn to practice in intimate relationships may help us when we are in a group. Conversely, what we learn to practice in groups may help us with our intimate relationships. The lessons and the skills that we practice in one situation may reinforce and supplement the lessons and the skills that we learn in other situations. There is a definite circularity to the process... especially if we practice these skills consciously and deliberately and if we diarize them. Please remember that:

### A VILLAGE OF ROLE MODELS

In order to become loving, supportive and effective parents, we need to become healthy, happy and mature role models ourselves. This applies to parenting just as it applies to mentoring or to being good friends and respectful neighbors. An "emotional village" would be a community that is made up of human beings who are able to be appropriate and effective role models for each other.

In order to "dance" well within a circle... and to have fun, everybody needs to know the "dance" and to enjoy the process.

### HOW WE BEHAVE IN GROUPS

I totally agree with M. Scott Peck (The _Road Less Traveled, The Different Drum)._ I believe that the true test of our degree of growth, spirituality and emotional maturity is reflected and verified by how we behave in our relationships. This applies to intimate relationships as well as to business relationships and groups. Over the past several decades, I have participated in many groups of all kinds: from twelve-step groups to many other kinds of self-help groups; from Psychodrama to Martial Arts; from Biodanza to Holotropic Breathwork etc. Most of the groups in which I have taken part are groups in which we are all participants and not spectators.

On far too many occasions in the past, I have failed to assert myself and I have seen others do the same. I have participated in many groups which were led by some very competent and capable leaders. These groups attracted a wide range of pretty extraordinary human beings. In far too many cases, the initial enthusiasm was replaced by disappointment, conflict and hurt. Most of the time this happened because the participants failed to assert themselves. Sometimes the leaders tended to be manipulative and to practice "games of control." Far too often, the participants were not sufficiently informed of their rights and of their responsibilities.

I have to admit that in the past I have been responsible for willingly playing the role of victim and for placing some of the leaders on a "pedestal." Eventually, I learned that I always have the choice to assert myself (at least to a minimum degree). I learned that I don't have to fall into the role of victim. I now avoid participating in any groups in which I don't feel safe or sufficiently comfortable.

In many of the groups the " **Rules of the Game** " were not expressed clearly or sufficiently understood. Far too often a form of (more or less) benevolent dictatorship replaced democracy and co-responsible decision making. Because I am somewhat of a rebel and because I usually do not care for "rules," in the past I used to call them "Group dynamics." Eventually, I decided that the word "game," which implies playfulness and fun, cancels out my aversion for the word "rules."

When we participate in group activities, especially in those that require a certain degree of vulnerability, we need to create a "safe space." We need to make sure that all participants are well protected from injuries and from unnecessary hurts. This may apply to just about any group. This may be especially true for groups of self-transformation and healing. This may also apply to teams that are engaged in extreme sports, in martial arts etc. When I lead groups, I do my best to inform all participants of their rights and responsibilities. I try to act in co-responsibility to the degree to which this is possible. Below I share the "Rules of the Game," which I would like to propose to all participants:

### THE RULES OF THE GAME

• All participants need to be aware and need to understand the "Rules of the Game."

• "STOP!" When it is possible to do so (without disturbing the collective play), each one of us has the right to ask questions and to stop the action. If this is not possible, each one of us has the absolute right to withdraw temporarily or permanently. We don't have to provide a detailed explanation.

Whenever it is possible to do so:

• Everyone needs to have the opportunity to participate equally.

• Decisions need to be taken with the participation of all. We try to act as often as possible in a co-responsible way. If we choose not to do so, or if we choose not to assert ourselves, we don't have a valid reason to blame others.

• Participants need to be informed and they need to take part in making any changes to the "Rules of the Game."

• Participants are encouraged to share about their individual needs and expectations.

• We need to act with the greatest respect for others and for their right to be different.

• We participate in order to change ourselves, not to change others.

• We try to share in the first person singular, utilizing "I/my" language.

• We try not to give advice, unless we are explicitly asked to do so.

• When we give advice, we try to qualify such advice as well as possible.

• We never interrupt others, unless they go on for too long or if they are saying something that is obviously inappropriate. We may begin by saying, "Please forgive me for interrupting..."

• We do not interfere in the process of others.

• We try to be brief and to give others an equal chance.

• We keep in mind that nobody has all the answers.

• We try our best not to judge: what may work extremely well for somebody may not be quite as effective for others.

• In any relationship, conflicts are inevitable. We need to deal with them and not avoid doing so. We may need to agree on ways in which to deal with conflicts.

• We may ask for the help of others.

• We have the right to defy our leaders in ways that are constructive.

• We are free; we are not hostages.

• "Take what you like and leave the rest."

_Question:_ What is going on here? What is the game that is being played?

is the game - Assertive? Authentic? Empowering or is it - Manipulative? Controlling? Oppressive?

_Question:_ Are we dealing with:

an Empowering complex of attitudes and behaviors? or an Oppressive complex of attitudes and behaviors?

Copyright (C) 2013 by Daniel Petra

### SYNERGY AND THE CONCEPT OF EMPOWERMENT

In Chapter 3, we dealt with the power and the benefits of Synergy. One of the great advantages and wonderful benefits of belonging to an "emotional village" is that we benefit from the power, the creativity and the support of others. Together we create **Synergy**. Synergy can be very powerful and empowering indeed. The concept of **" Empowerment"** is another concept that complements and synergises very well with all the other concepts and processes I am sharing with you. Usually, we have the choice to practice attitudes and behaviors that are either oppressive or empowering. We need to decide what complexes of attitudes and behaviors we choose to practice. We also need to determine the types of relationships and the types of communities that we may develop around ourselves.

**An Oppressive Complex of Attitudes** may be composed of some or all, of the following attitudes, behaviors and characteristics:

Closed › Destructive › Hostile › Oppressive › Abusive › Punishing ›

Conflictual › Unjust › Discriminating › Restrictive › Exclusive › Censuring › Manipulative › Emotionally and sexually immature...

**An Empowering Complex of Attitudes** may be composed of some or all, of the following attitudes, behaviors and characteristics:

Open › Constructive › Friendly › Just › Fair › Permissive › Inclusive › Nurturing › Free › Creative › Respectful › Safe › Rewarding › Cooperative › Emotionally and sexually mature...

Copyright (C) 2013 by Daniel Petra

Of course, each of these complexes of attitudes and their components lie on a continuum. According to the concept of paradox, they may or may not be present at a certain time, or they may coexist quite happily.

### INTERMEDIATE STAGES

When I want to transform myself or improve my situation, I try to proceed by intermediate stages. At this time, I am focusing most of my finite energies on publishing my books and to continue to heal myself at deeper levels. I try to be involved in a few essential groups to which I feel that I do "belong." I also try not to spread myself too thin. I want to do my absolute best not to burn out. I want to enjoy myself and to have fun every day.

### FROM SPECTATORS TO PARTICIPANTS

Over more than three decades, most of the groups to which I have belonged have been groups in which we are all participants and not simply spectators. It is extremely rare that I ever take part in activities in which I am only a spectator. I believe that we need to progressively make the transition from being spectators to being active participants. We need to learn to become much more active in the roles we play. This is true for almost any role: whether as healers, as artists, as entertainers or in any other roles. This implies that we take collective responsibility in the process of decision-making and in sharing our responsibilities and our power. We need to do so together.

### COMMUNITY BUILDING (CO-CO-CO)

As an intermediate stage, I am trying to create and to be active in "portable" emotional communities. By "portable," I mean that the groups to which I belong may come together for sessions and events that take place at various locations. For now, we may do so only occasionally and we don't live together in a single location. In the meantime, I am actively letting people know about my intention to build a community that is collaborative, co-responsible and co-creative ( **co-co-co** ). I try my best to circulate the document called "My Dream," which I reproduce at the end of his chapter.

We may also try to make "emotional" communities out of existing ones. For example, Dr. "Patch" Adams suggests organizing pot lucks as a way to begin to weave communities together. He was made famous by the movie starring Robin Williams. See: www.patchadams.org.

I would also add that organizing dances is another way to bring people together. Contra Dancing and Biodanza are particularly easy and fun ways by which to get people to meet each other. We may also organize pot lucks and dancing, together on the same occasion. We may also try to organize street parties or parties with neighbors who live in our building.

### SUPPORT GROUPS

We may participate in any support groups that may make us feel emotionally connected and supported by our peers. These groups may vary according to our need. They may be fitness and social clubs, dance and spiritual groups, or any groups that may help us to overcome any obsessive/compulsive behaviors or addictions. I have belonged to many groups and programs starting with twelve-step groups. Eventually I created and facilitated my own groups. Many of these groups are alternative and totally complementary to twelve-step groups. You may want to create a support group that utilizes _Missing Links_ as its main source of reference. If you are moved to do so, I would very much appreciate your feedback.

### NETWORKING

One of the ways in which I try to manifest my dream, is by networking with individuals and groups on a regular basis. I connect to existing social networks and communities by telephone, by correspondence and on the Internet. When I do so, I try to be appropriately authentic and vulnerable. Whenever possible, I try to focus on my purpose of creating a community that is ( **co-co-co** ).

### A COLLECTIVE VISION

Throughout the world there are already many existing communities that are trying to create environments that are supportive, nurturing and healing. These communities are usually emotionally safer than what we may encounter elsewhere. On all continents, monasteries, convents and religious communities of many different kinds, have existed and thrived for centuries. These religious communities may be Christian, Jewish, Islamic, Hindu, Buddhist or of other persuasions. Ashrams have existed in India for a very long time. We may also find ashrams in Europe, in North America and elsewhere.

There are an almost infinite number of ashrams, monasteries and centers of all kinds that we may visit in person or on the Internet. There are also many Institutes and Colleges that offer alternative education. They include the Omega Institute in upstate New York, the Kripalu Center in Massachusetts, the Himalayan Institute in Pennsylvania, the Esalen Institute and the Insight Meditation Center in California, the Rudolf Steiner University in Oslo (Norway) and the Waldorf (Steiner) schools throughout the world.

There are also many meditation centers of all kinds in North America and throughout the world. Many New Age Communities are being developed on several continents. The ones that I would like to visit are Findhorn in Scotland, Damanhur in Italy and Auroville in South India. For those who like Chi Kung, there is Mantak Chia's center in Thailand, known as the Universal Healing Tao Center. For more on communities of all kinds, you may visit www.ic.org, which is the site of the "Communities Directory." I encourage you to share about some of your favorite communities. Please don't hesitate to do so by utilizing one of the feedback tools provided in the next chapter or by sending an email to **feedback@danielpetra.com.**

### COHOUSING

Several decades ago a movement called cohousing began to develop in Denmark, and it has spread throughout the world. Up to this point, cohousing is the model that comes closest to my vision of an "emotional village." Basically, cohousing is a marriage between the best in cooperatives and the best in condominiums. I encourage you to make your contribution to this collective process. Please utilize the feedback tools that I suggest in the next chapter. Below, I reproduce my dream of an "emotional village."

### A COLLABORATIVE HOUSING COMMUNITY

If you are so moved, please feel free to make as many copies of "My dream" as you like and to circulate them among your friends.

## **" MY DREAM"**

My dream is to create a collaborative housing community that is collaborative, co-responsible and co-creative ( **co-co-co** ). With the future members, I would like to create a community in which we may assert ourselves. A community in which we may empower each other and in which we may truly blossom...

... **while respecting our differences**. This would be a community of human beings who are truly authentic and vulnerable.

We have already taken many initiatives and we have accumulated much invaluable experience. Many other such communities are already in existence or are in various stages of development, locally and throughout the world.

Together, we will choose the location. We will make the decisions by practicing consensus and collaborative decision-making, whenever possible. Together, we will decide which projects we would like to include, such as a community center, organic gardens, a natural health spa, an artists' colony etc.

VOLUNTARY SIMPLICITY

Some of us are already members of organizations and networks that encourage voluntary simplicity, such as "the Slow Movement." More and more, we try to practice a life that reflects the ideals and the healthy and organic processes that are encouraged by these networks. We want to consume less and to create more time for ourselves, for our children, for our friends. We want to be able express ourselves more fully and more creatively.

DANCE

As far as I am concerned, we don't dance nearly often enough. This is particularly true when we compare ourselves to Brazil, where people "let themselves go" and dance much more frequently. Contra Dancing and Biodanza are absolutely marvelous ways in which to celebrate ourselves and life through dance. In Biodanza, for example, we enter in "communion" with other authentic human beings "Heart-to-Heart." We do so on emotional levels that are extremely immediate, deep and sensual. I dream that in a ( **co-co-co** ) we may become able to "let ourselves go" and allow ourselves to dance much more frequently.

THE THEATRE

Human relationships are extremely complex. The process of correcting, improving and making our relationships truly healthy and empowering is not an easy one. It is indeed not at all easy to overcome our bad habits and our unhealthy patterns. By utilizing games, role plays and methods borrowed from the theatre, we may make the process easier, much more effective and enormously more enjoyable. I would love it if we could have a lot more fun together!

SOME INTERMEDIATE STEPS

I have started to develop games that utilize many methods borrowed from the theatre and from psychodrama. I will need collaborators to complete and to test these games.

Copyright (C) 2013 by Daniel Petra

## _Chapter 16_

## _**Participatory and Collaborative**_

One of the main purposes of my books, starting with _Missing Links_ , is to share my experience and my path with others. I share how my life has led me to change, to heal and to transform myself. I hope to be able to give back what I have received from so many others throughout my life. First of all I needed to discover my true purpose and mission in this life. Through this process I came to realize that my purpose in life is not to accumulate material possession or fame. I already shared about this in the chapter that deals with Goals of Our Lives (GOL).

Eventually, I learned to thoroughly enjoy what I already have and to savor whatever it is that I am doing: from the most mundane to the sublime. I have to admit that it has taken me a very long time to learn to do this. I discovered the importance of helping others, and of learning to ask for help. I learned how to become a really good friend to others. I learned to do so, without trying to interfere in their lives. I learned the importance of reconnecting to my Total Self and to others. I learned to do so in as many ways as are necessary, and to remain connected. I learned the blessings of love and forgiveness and the necessity to protect and to assert myself.

### PARTICIPATORY

I would also like to render the process of creating and publishing this series of books as participatory and as collaborative as possible. Because of the extreme complexity of life and of human beings, I need to write a whole series of books; not just one or two books. Just as in our educational systems, we don't simply deal with one or two subjects or topic. We don't go from Grade One to post-graduate studies. So it is with personal transformation and with my books. I need to introduce and to develop one element, one topic, one aspect, one process at a time. I need to deal with each subject and each topic effectively. I need to have sufficient space and I need to develop the topics over a sufficient period of time. I need to be able to mirror the evolutionary, circular and spiraling process of human development and of evolution.

It may be more challenging to significantly renovate an existing building than to build a completely new one. So it is with self-transformation and with behavior-modification. It may be easier to learn a new behavior or pattern, than to try to change a behavior or a pattern that has become deeply entrenched into our lives. Changing patterns and behaviors usually becomes harder to do when we are older.

### INTERMEDIATE STEPS

I believe that most of the processes in which we are involved can be made participatory. I believe that the degree of participation may vary according to the number of participants, and to the degree in which we are ready to participate. There are intermediate stages and steps by which we may proceed. This also applies to my books. For example, there is a whole continuum of ways and degrees in which my readers may participate: from simply offering feedback and suggestions, to contributing topics, paragraphs, articles, chapters and individual sections. Eventually, we may want to co-author entire books together.

### WAYS IN WHICH TO PARTICIPATE

This is my first book and we will need to gather some experience with the process of Collaborative Authorship. I will begin by inviting you to provide me with as much feedback as you are capable and willing. I would like to encourage you to contribute any examples from your own experience that may support or contradict any of the processes and concepts in my book. I will also welcome any constructive suggestions that you may wish to contribute regarding the contents of this book; as well as any subjects or topics that you may wish to see included in future books. I will also welcome any suggestions about how we may improve and expand the process of Collaborative Authorship.

### WAYS IN WHICH TO COLLABORATE

After intensive research and after having listened to the advice of several authors, I have decided to publish myself and to incorporate my own company. This implies that I will try to market myself with the help of others, on the Internet and elsewhere. Initially, the greatest opportunities for collaboration will be in making my books ready for publication and for marketing them. I will need a proofreader, a graphic artist, a web-master, an accountant and perhaps a lawyer. For several years my closest collaborator has been my good friend Ron Pouliotte: he acted as my editor, proof-reader and advisor.

More recently another friend has become my principal collaborator. She will deal with proofreading, editing, illustrations, software and marketing. In the future I will also need to deal with wholesalers, distributors and retailers. As I gain in experience, I foresee many opportunities in which my readers may collaborate. My readers may collaborate not only in co-authoring future projects, but also in marketing my books on the Internet and in other markets.

### CO-AUTHORING

As far as the first couple of books in this series are concerned, I foresee that the opportunities for co-authoring will be rather limited. I will welcome mostly feedback and suggestions. As our experience with this process increases, I will probably encourage greater participation. This participation will eventually extend to accepting entire chapters or parts of chapters. Eventually, especially on spin-off projects, I will welcome even greater participation. Eventually, my books will become... our books!

Initially, I will not be able to offer financial remuneration for co-authorship. However, financial remuneration and profit-sharing should become possible as sufficient revenues are generated. In every case, I will try to quote contributors warmly and accurately. I will try to give credit, in the most visible and tangible ways possible. I will, of course, try to be as generous as possible in remunerating those who will become involved in the marketing of my books.

### CONFERENCES, WORKSHOPS AND TRAINING

In future years, I am planning to spend a considerable time traveling on book tours. When I travel, I will also try to give practical demonstrations on how to apply and incorporate the processes and the "tools" that I share in my books. I also intend to give conferences and workshops. These will be ideal opportunities for anyone who wants to meet me and who may want to get involved in helping me to spread the message. Eventually, I will organize training sessions and workshops for those who are interested in teaching.

### FEEDBACK

I invite you to take a little time to provide me with your candid feedback and to ask questions. I promise you that I will try to do my utmost to appreciate and to honor the efforts that you will make.

I would like to have your "gut" reactions and I would like to know what you have liked best. I also want to know how I can improve the format and the contents of my next books. In particular I would like to know:

• How practical did you find the contents of _Missing Links_?

• Do you believe that you will be able to incorporate some of the processes and some of the tools that I shared with you, into your daily life?

• Which one was your favorite chapter?

  Why was it your favorite chapter?

• Which one was your favorite topic?

  Why was it your favorite topic?

• On what topics would you like me to expand in the books that will follow, for example:

  Self-transformation.

  Tools and processes.

  Synergistic and complementary concepts.

  Behavior modification.

  Relationships.

  Etc.

• In particular, I would like to know on which tools, processes and concepts you would like me to expand further, such as:

  Minimizing the Damage (MTD) etc.

  The Process of Incorporating.

  The process of Navigating the Continuum (BAF).

  The Creative Process.

  The concept of paradox.

  Etc.

• Are you tempted to make a contribution to my next book?

• How practical did you find the Table of Contents?

  Did you enjoy the format or would you like to suggest another format?

• How do you feel about the size of the book?

  Is it big enough?

  Is the size of the print large enough?

  Is it sufficiently attractive?

You may provide your feedback, your suggestions and ask questions, by visiting my website at www.danielpetra.com. My website will also contain a blog to which you may want to contribute. You may also send me an email to feedback@danielpetra.com.

**_" I would be delighted to hear from you!"_**

## _Chapter 17_

## _**Universal Teachers**_

### WHO ARE THEY?

I call "Universal Teachers" those authors who have taught me the lessons that I needed to learn and whom I consider to be my teachers. "Universal" means that almost any of us are able to access these authors and teachers, easily and economically, either through the Internet or in libraries. Universal also means that we may buy their works, at accessible prices, on the Internet or in bookstores almost anywhere in the world. Many of these authors have been translated into several major languages.

### HOW TO MEET THEM

Many of these authors travel widely and give conferences and workshops. Some of them have created schools and they have trained others to give workshops. Over the years, I have been able to meet several of these "Universal Teachers." For example, I have met M. Scott Peck, William Glasser, Annette Goodheart, Liz White and Barclay McMillan. I have also had the good luck to talk to a few of them over the telephone, such as Annette Goodheart and Jean Liedloff. I have participated in many workshops held by them or by their students, especially in sessions of Holotropic Breathwork, Biodanza, psychodrama, Chi Kung, Yoga and other forms of healing and of movement therapies.

About twenty years ago I was initiated into the Mythopoetic movement in a workshop created at the Esalen Institute called "The Hero's Journey." Since that time I have participated in countless workshops and I have been initiated in many other fields. For example, I have greatly benefited from workshops utilizing sound and various other forms of energy. Some of these workshops have been absolutely pivotal and life transforming for me. This was the case with the workshop led by Barclay McMillan called "Voice Emergent." For all the "Universal Teachers" in my life I will be forever grateful.

### WHAT I HAVE LEARNED

My life has been changed by books on many occasions. This was the case during my last few years as a practicing alcoholic. At that time I had hit bottom and I was close to total despair. Several books managed to reach me and to touch me in a way that nothing else could. Over a period of a few years, those few books not only touched me, but they also sounded the "alarm bell!" Those books made me understand that I was running out of time and that, either I changed or I was going to die!

### GRATITUDE

First of all I would like to thank all those wonderful men and women who have helped me and who have shared my walk, for any length of time. In fact the number of people who have helped me, in one way or another, have been indeed innumerable. Some of them have literally helped to save my life and to turn it around. I don't have enough space to thank all of those who have helped me. However I do want to thank Cam McArthur who, for more than thirty-five years, has been the best friend that any man could wish for.

Today most of my home is filled with bookshelves that contain a vast audio-visual library on subjects that I find inspiring and practical. I have benefitted immensely from books, from audios and from videos throughout my life. They have literally helped me to transform my life on many occasions. Consequently, I feel that I owe a huge debt of gratitude to the authors of these works.

I am writing these series of books in an effort to honor my teachers and to try to make my own contribution. We learn best through role modeling. Our teachers may be among the most powerful role models that we may have in our lives. We may witness the power that teachers have to influence their students and to change their lives in many of my favorite movies, such as _The Freedom Writers_ , starring Hilary Swank and Co.; _Dead Poet 's Society_, starring Robin Williams & Co.; and in _Mr. Holland 's Opus_, starring Richard Dreyfuss and Co.

### BENEFITTING FROM INSPIRING MOVIES

Entertaining and inspiring movies are the result of a collective process of creativity which may involve some of the most talented and creative people on our planet. As I have already shared in Chapter 12, I tend to agree completely with Shakespeare when he writes in _As You Like It, (II, 7)_ :

_" All the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players."_

Quite often I don't know where life ends and theatre begins and vice versa, and... quite frankly, I no longer care. A wonderful example of this can be found in Robert Altman's film _Cookie 's Fortune_, starring Glenn Close, Julianne More & Co. I find that life is a never-ending adventure and that good movies are a wonderful extension of our lives. Movies and theatre are a wonderful way to learn more about ourselves, about others and about the world in which we live. At the same time we are also being entertained.

I often refer to movies because they are easily accessible to most of us. They can be viewed in our homes, and we can enjoy them even when we are tired. When I buy movies I try to buy only those movies that inspire me, that educate me and that I find entertaining. The movies I watch over and over, are the movies that are the most entertaining and the most inspiring. I find that movies are one of the most readily available and one of most effective sources of information, entertainment and inspiration. For more on this I refer you to the book _The Motion Picture Prescription_ , by Gary Solomon.

As a child, several of the Role Models in my life came from the world of cinema. Some of them are still my Role Models and my teachers, including Walt Disney, Charley Chaplin and Frank Capra, just to name a few. As a kid, I watched movies with leading actors such as Gary Cooper, Gregory Peck and Jimmy Stewart. I always wondered how I could become a hero just like they were. I deeply believe that:

_Good teachers entertain... good entertainment teaches!_

I find that movies are one of the best ways by which we may entertain ourselves and learn at the same time. When my children were little, I utilized movies as a way to introduce them to as many aspects of life as I could. I hoped that my children would be able to enjoy the movies as much as I did. I hoped they would learn from them as much as I did. I hoped that my children would learn not just about everyday life but also about history, politics, science and the creative process. I have several movies that show how inventors, artists and musicians develop and practice their creative process. I hoped that my children would be inspired to fully develop their talents and to realize their own dreams.

### MUSIC

As I am writing these pages, I am listening to some of my favorite music. At this very moment it is Louis Armstrong playing tunes from _The Best of_ _Dixieland._ I find that music helps me and "drives" me to write better and to be in a better mood. I also try to do a few steps of dance while I go from my study to the bathroom or to the kitchen. I find that even doing just a few steps of dance fills me with joy and creativity. Doing so helps to keep my inner "fire" burning. For me, music and dancing are one of the greatest sources of motivation and joy.

### MY INTERNET LIBRARY

We may find most of our "Universal Teachers" on the Internet. I am extremely careful about the way in which I utilize my computer or the Internet because they can be extremely distracting. I therefore try to set limits to the time that I spend on the Internet. I usually shut off my computer as soon as I have finished working on it. If there is something that I want to look up on the Internet, I tend to first write it down on a piece of paper. It is quite amazing how often something that appeared to be very pressing only a few days ago, tends to lose interest as time goes by. Over the years I have created a huge library of my favorite Internet sites: I have saved them on my computer. I have organized all these different sites in approximately the same way in which I have organized the topics that I share with you in this and in my next books.

### ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

It would take far too long to acknowledge all the many wonderful and hugely talented individuals who have helped me to transform myself and who have inspired me to write this book. Most especially I need to thank Ron Pouliotte who has been my friend for many, many years and who has acted as my editor and advisor on this book. I would also like to thank Rosie Taylor who has become my closest collaborator. She is taking part in many aspects of publishing my books, including proofreading, editing, and in creating the images and the graphics. She is also my web-master.

I would like to thank the IBPA (the Independent Book Publishers Association) of which I am a member, for all their invaluable advice, support and cooperation. I intend to utilize several of their programs to market myself and my books. You may learn more about the IBPA by visiting them at www.ibpa-online.org.

I would also like to thank some of the following individuals and companies for providing their programs either for free or in exchange of a reasonable donation:

www.wikipedia.org

www.wordreference.com

Jellika Nerevan of CuttyFruty at www.cuttyfruty.com

TrueCrypt at www.truecrypt.org

Drew Houston and Arash Ferdowski of Dropbox at www.dropbox.com

### YOUR FEEDBACK

I invite you to offer your suggestions about any audio-visual material or any other sources that you believe may help us. Please feel free to point out any errors and any omissions in the audio-visual bibliography that follows. Also, please feel free to contribute your feedback by visiting our website at **www.danielpetra.com** or by emailing us at feedback@danielpetra.com.

_**Bibliography and Suggestions**_

_**Chapter 1**_

• Campbell, Joseph. _The Hero with a Thousand Faces._ 1949. Reprint, Novato: New World Library, 2008.

• Campbell, Joseph, and Bill Moyers. _The Power of Myth._ 1988. Reprint, New York: Anchor Books. 1991. (also a TV series)

• Kushner, Harold. _When All You 've Ever Wanted Isn't Enough: The Search for a Life That Matters._ 1986. Reprint, New York: Touchstone, 2002.

_**Chapter 2**_

• Bradshaw, John. _Bradshaw On: Healing the Shame that Binds You._ 1988. Reprint, Deerfield Beach: HCI, 2005.

• Goleman, Daniel. _Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ._ 1996. New York: Bantam, 2006.

• Goleman, Daniel. _Social Intelligence: The New Science of Social Relationships._ 2006. Reprint, New York: Bantam, 2007.

• Lakein, Alan. _How to Get Control of Your Time and Your Life._ 1974. Reprint, New York: Signet, 1989.

_Suggested Films_

• _Mary Poppins_ (1964)

_• Morning Glory_ (2010)

_• Smart People_ (2008)

_• The Aviator_ (2004)

_• The King's Speech_ (2010)

_• What about Bob_ (1991)

_**Chapter 3**_

• Blake, William. _The Marriage of Heaven and Hell._ 1790. Reprint, Mineola: Dover Publications. 1994.

• Tolle, Eckhart. _The Power of Now: A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment._ 1997. Reprint, Novato: New World Library, 2004.

• The "Jellinek Curve", derived from the work of Dr. E.M. Jellinek.

_Suggested Films_

• _Fiddler on the Roof_ (1971)

• _Made in Dagenham_ (2010)

• _The King 's Speech_ (2010)

• _The Power of One_ (1992)

• _The Unbearable Lightness of Being_ (1988)

_**Chapter 4**_

• Bly, Robert, James Hillman and Michael Meade. _Men and the Life of Desire._ Oral Tradition Archives, 1991. Audio.

• Bly, Robert, James Hillman, and Michael Meade, eds. _The Rag and Bone Shop of the Heart: A Poetry Anthology._ 1992. Reprint, New York: Harper Perennial, 1993.

• Estes, Clarissa Pinkola. _Women Who Run with the Wolves: Myths and Stories of the Wild Woman archetype._ 1992. Reprint, New York: Ballantine Books, 1996.

• Estes, Clarissa Pinkola. _Warming the Stone Child._ Louisville: Sounds True, 2004. Audio.

• Feldenkrais, Moshe. _Awarenesss Through Movement: Easy-to-Do Health Exercises to Improve Your Posture, Vision, Imagination, and Personal Awareness._ 1972. Reprint, New York: Harper & Row, 1991.

• Feldenkrais, Moshe. _Higher Judo: Groundwork._ 1952. Reprint, Berkeley: Blue Snake Books, 2010.

• Liedloff, Jean. _The Continuum Concept._ 1975. Reprint, De Capo Press, 1986. www.continuum-concept.org

• Morgan, Marlo. _Mutant Message from Down-Under._ 1990. Reprint, New York: Harper Perennial, 2004.

• Peck, M. Scott. _The Different Drum: Community Making and Peace._ 1987. Reprint, New York: Touchstone, 1998.

• Woodman, Marion, and Elinor Dickson. _Dancing in the Flames: the Dark Goddess in the Transformation of Consciousness._ Boston: Shambhala, 1996.

• Woodman, Marion. _Sitting by the Well._ Louisville: Sounds True, 2007. Audio.

• Workshop: "The Hero's Journey," originated by the Esalen Institute www.esalen.org.

_Suggested Films_

• _Beautiful Dreamers (1990)_

• _Cannery Row (1982)_

• _Cyrano de Bergerac (1990)_

• _Dead Poet 's Society (1989)_

• _I 'm Not There (2007)_

• _Like Water for Chocolate (1992)_

• _O Brother Where Art Thou (2000)_

• _Roots (TV miniseries) (1997)_

• _The Fisher King (1991)_

• _You Can 't Take It With You_ (1938)

• _Zorba the Greek_ (1964)

_**Chapter 5**_

• Cameron, Julia. _The Artist 's Way: A Spiritual Path to Higher Creativity._ 1992. Reprint, New York: Penguin Group, 2002.

• Association of Vision Educators, North America - www.visioneducators.org

• Bates Association for Vision Education, England and Europe - www.seeing.org

_**Chapter 6**_

• Covey, Stephen R. _The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People: Powerful Lessons in Personal Change._ 1989. Reprint, New York: Free Press, 2004.

• Thoreau, Henry David. _Walden._ 1854. Reprint, Empire Books, 2012.

• www.simplicityforum.org

• www.slowsociety.org

• www.slowmovement.com

• en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Siesta

_Suggested Films_

_• Dances with Wolves_ (1990)

_• Himalaya_ (1999)

_• Shakespeare in Love_ (1998)

_• The Ice Storm_ (1997)

_**Chapter 7**_

_Suggested Films_

• _The Man Who Would be King_ (1975)

_**Chapter 8**_

• Peck, M. Scott. _Further Along the Road Less Traveled: Self Love versus Self Esteem._ New York: Simon and Schuster, 2010.

• en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Biodanza

• www.biodanzasf.com

• www.biodanza.org

_Suggested Films_

• Bound for Glory (1976)

• Paradise Road (1997)

_**Chapter 9**_

• Esko, Edward, and Wendy Esko. _Macrobiotic Cooking for Everyone._ Tokyo: Japan Publications, 1980.

• Kulvinskas, Victoras. _Survival in the 21st Century: Planetary Healers Manual._ 1981. Reprint, Summertown: Book Publishing Co., 2010.

• Carter, Albert E. _The Miracles of Rebound Exercise._ Edmonds: National Institute of Reboundology & Health, 1979.

• en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stevia

_Suggested Films_

• _Julie and Julia_ (2009)

• _The Pursuit of Happiness_ (2006)

_**Chapter 10**_

• Schneider, Meir, Maureen Larkin, and Dror Schneider. _The Handbook of Self-Healing: Your Personal Program for Better Health and Increased Vitality._ New York: Penguin Arkana, 1994.

_**Chapter 11**_

• Bach, George R., and Peter Wyden. _The Intimate Enemy: How to Fight Fair in Love and Marriage._ New York: Avon Books, 1970.

• Bach, George R., and Herb Goldberg. _Creative Aggression: The Art of Assertive Living._ Garden City: Doubleday, 1974.

• Beattie, Melody. _Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself._ New York: Hazelden, 1986.

• Bradshaw, John. _Bradshaw On: The Family: A New Way of Creating Solid Self-Esteem._ 1988. Reprint, Pompano Beach: HCI, 1990.

• Lerner, Harriet Goldhor. _The Dance of Intimacy: A Woman 's Guide to Courageous Acts of Change in Key Relationships._ New York: Harper, 1989. (also in audio)

• Woititz, Janet. _Struggle for Intimacy._ Pompano Beach: HCI, 1986.

• Woititz, Janet. _Adult Children of Alcoholics._ 1983. Reprint, Pompano Beach: HCI, 1990.

_**Chapter 12**_

• Block, Peter. The _Right Use of Power (The Inner Art of Business Series)._ Louisville: Sounds True, 2002. Audio.

• Glasser, William. _Reality Therapy: A New Approach to Psychiatry._ New York: Harper, 1965.

• White, Liz. The _Action Manual : Techniques for Enlivening Group Process and Individual Counselling._ Toronto: E. White, 2002.

• Shakespeare, William. _As You Like It, (II, 7)_

_Suggested Films_

• _Divorce American Style_ (1967)

• _The Story of Us_ (1999)

_**Chapter 13**_

• Botwin, Carol. _Is There Sex After Marriage?_ Boston: Little, Brown and Co., 1985.

• Campbell, Don. _Heal Yourself with Sound and Music._ Louisville: Sounds True, 2006. Audio.

• Grof, Stanislav. _The Adventure of Self-Discovery._ Albany: State University of New York Press, 1988.

• Goodheart, Annette. _Laughter Therapy: How to Laugh About Everything in Your Life That Isn 't Really Funny._ Santa Barbara: Less Stress Press, 1994.

• Marks, Linda. "Narcissism and the Male Heart Wound" www.ofspirit.com/lindamarks21.htm (also see www.healingheartpower.com)

• Masterson, James F. _The Search For The Real Self : Unmasking The Personality Disorders Of Our Age._ New York: Free Press, 1988.

• Wangyal, Tenzin. _Tibetan Sound Healing: Seven Guided Practices to Clear Obstacles, Cultivate Positive Qualities, and Uncover Your Inherent Wisdom._ Louisville: Sounds True, 2011.

• www.embracethefuture.org.au

• www.nasponline.org

• en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Massage

• www.holotropic.com

_**Chapter 14**_

• Center for Nonviolent Communication at www.cnvc.org

_Suggested Films_

• _Finding Neverland_ (2004)

• _Truly, Madly, Deeply_ (1990)

• _You 've Got Mail_ (1998)

_**Chapter 15**_

• Liedloff, Jean. _The Continuum Concept._ 1975. Reprint, De Capo Press, 1986.

• Peck, M. Scott. _The Road Less Traveled: A New Psychology of Love, Traditional Values, and Spiritual Growth._ 1978. Reprint, New York: Simon and Schuster, 2003.

• Fellowshop for Intentional Community (Intentional Communities directory) www.ic.org

• Patch Adams M.D. & Gesundheit! Institute www.patchadams.org

_Suggested Films_

• _Patch Adams_ (1998)

_**Chapter 16**_

• email: feedback@danielpetra.com

• website: www.danielpetra.com

_**Chapter 17**_

• Armstrong, Louis. _Pete Fountain Presents the Best of Dixieland._ Polygram Records, 2001. Audio.

• Solomon, Gary. _The Motion Picture Prescription: Watch This Movie and Call Me in the Morning._ Santa Rosa: Aslan Pub., 1995.

• Document encryption, True Crypt www.truecrypt.org

• Document storage, Dropbox www.dropbox.com

• Fonts, CuttyFruty www.cuttyfruty.com

• Independent Book Publisher's Association (IBPA) www.ibpa-online.org

• Languages and translations, WordReference.com www.wordreference.com

• Wikipedia, the online free encyclopedia www.wikepedia.org

## _**Index**_

**A**

1 to 3 minutes

ability to think for ourselves

accepting our limitations

Adult Children of Alcoholics (book)

Alcoholics Anonymous (A.A.) , , , , ,

ambivalence and coexistence

**B**

Baby Steps (B/S) , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

some practical examples 22--24

the components

Bach, Dr. George R. , , ,

balancing, rebalancing and unblocking

Beattie, Melody

Beautiful Dreamers (film)

behaviour modification , , , , , ,

Biodanza , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Blake, William

Block, Peter

Bly, Robert ,

bottoming out , , , ,

Botwin, Carol

Bound for Glory (film) ,

Bradshaw, John

Bradshaw On: The Family (book) ,

**C**

Cameron, Julia

Campbell, Don

Campbell, Joseph ,

Cannery Row (film) , ,

capacity for growth

Capra, Frank ,

Carter, Albert E.

chopsticks

circularity of motivation ,

cleansing and purifying

diversified rotation of vitamins and supplements

intestinal cleansing

psyllium shake

co-co-co viii, , , , ,

collaborative - co-responsible - co-creative = (co-co-co)

community building

codependent , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Codependent No More (book)

cohousing

collaborative - co-responsible - co-creative = (co-co-co)

combat soldiers

community building

continuum scale

contract , , , , , , ,

Cookie's Fortune (film)

courses of action , ,

Covey, Stephen R. ,

creative aggression , , , ,

Creative Aggression: The Art of Assertive Living (book) , , ,

creative beating around the bush

creative coexistence

creative escape

creative process , , , , , ,

critical judgment , ,

Cyrano de Bergerac (film)

**D**

dance of creativity , , , ,

Dances with Wolves (film)

dance (with our creative subconscious and with the universe)

Dancing in the Flames (book)

da Vinci, Leonardo

Dead Poet's Society (film) ,

delaying gratification ,

despair , , , , , , ,

diarizing , , , , , , , , , ,

diet

adult pacifiers

a gift of stevia

basic do's and don'ts

carbohydrates

creating sufficient reserves

digestion and assimilation

energizing drinks

how to satisfy our hunger

losing weight

maintenance diets

nervous hunger

over-eating , , ,

reducing diets

the freedom bag

the magic of cooking

the secret

vegetarian sources of natural protein

Weight Watchers

disconnecting

Disney, Walt

Divorce American Style (film)

Dylan, Bob

dysfunctional vi, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

**E**

economical (definition)

eliminating bad habits and influences

elimination

emotional body

emotional brew , ,

emotional intelligence , , ,

Emotional Intelligence (book)

emotional village , , , , , , , , ,

emotions

anger

anger management

baseball bats, axes and sledgehammers

emotional brew

emotional starvation

excitement and depression

fear of losing control

fear of our emotions

laughter therapy

learning to navigate

no-dumping zones

our voice

transforming our emotions

empirical, experiential and practical ,

Empowering Complex of Attitudes , , ,

empowerment , ,

energy

can we run on empty? ,

fill'er up... p-l-e-a-s-e

where to find

Esalen Institute , ,

Esquivel, Laura

Essential Links , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

essential priorities ,

Estes, Clarissa Pinkola

excessive expectations

excuses

exercise

minimum exercise and maximum fitness

extreme complexity of life

eye exercises ,

**F**

fair share

fear

a possible continuum

fear of change

fear of complexity ,

feedback, lessons and correction ,

Feldenkrais, Moshe

Fiddler on the Roof (film)

forgiveness , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

forgiving our mistakes

the willingness to forgive

Franklin, Benjamin

freedom to be different

frequency is more effective than quantity , , , ,

Further Along the Road Less Traveled: Self Love v. Self-Esteem (audio)

**G**

generational wounds ,

getting our priorities straight ,

giving up bad habits

Glasser, William , ,

Goals of Our Lives (GOL) , , , , ,

going with the flow ,

Goldberg, Dr. Herb , ,

Goleman, Daniel , , ,

Goodheart, Annette , ,

growing up

guilt

cheating without guilt

learning to forgive ourselves

learning to get rid of

Guthrie, Woody

**H**

Haley, Alex

Haynes, Todd

Healing the Shame that Binds You (book) ,

health, how precious is it?

Heal Yourself with Sound & Music (audio)

Hillman, James , ,

Himalaya (film)

holistic , ,

holographic

Holotropic Breathwork , , , , , , , , ,

homeopathy ,

honoring our cycles ,

How to Get Control of Your Time and Your Life (book) ,

humility , ,

**I**

immune system

mobilizing our immune system

self-massage and daily stretching

stimulating the endocrine (hormonal) system

tantric showers

I'm Not There (film)

importance of the st step

information overload

initiating our children

Inner Dialogue (I/D) , ,

antidotes

inner monster

inner void , , , , , , , , , , , ,

integrated (definition)

Intermediate Stages (I/S) ,

Is There Sex After Marriage? (book)

**J**

Jellinek curve

Jellinek, Dr. E.M.

jogging , , , ,

Joseph Campbell , , ,

Julie & Julia (film)

**K**

Kipling, Rudyard

Kushner, Harold ,

**L**

Lakein, Alan ,

Larkin, Maureen

Laughter Therapy (book)

law of the "cookie-cutter" , ,

learning process , ,

Lerner, Harriet Goldhor

less is more ,

letting go , , , , , , ,

Liedloff, Jean , ,

Like Water for Chocolate (Como Agua para Chocolate) (film) ,

love with detachment ,

lowering our expectations , ,

luxury of choices

**M**

macrobiotic cooking

Made in Dagenham (film)

Marks, Linda

Mary Poppins (film)

massage , , , , ,

Masterson, James F.

McMillan, Barclay

Meade, Michael , ,

meditation , , , ,

members of the  % Club," anyone?

Men and the Life of Desire (audio)

mentors

metaphor of the river

Michelangelo

Minimizing The Damage (MTD) , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Missing Links , , , , , , , , , , , ,

The Purpose of Missing Links

Morning Glory (film)

motivation , , ,

movie in reverse , , ,

Mr. Holland's Opus (film)

multi-dimensional , , , ,

multi-faceted , , , ,

multi-talented , , , ,

Mutant Message from Down-Under (book)

My Dream (a collaborative housing community) ,

my personal story

mythopoetic movement , , , , ,

**N**

"Narcissism and the Male Heart Wound" (article)

naturopathy , ,

navigating the continuum (BAF) , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

neti, neti

networking ,

non-violent communication (NVC) ,

no pain... no gain ,

not to do list

**O**

O Brother Where Art Thou (film)

obsessive/compulsive , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

one day at a time

On The One hand (OTO), On The Other Hand (OTO) , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

openness and capacity

opposite and complementary

Oppressive Complex of Attitudes , ,

Oprah

over-competitiveness ,

**P**

pain and pleasure, navigating

Paradise Road (film)

paradox , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

paradox of simplicity versus complexity

participatory and collaborative 261--266

passive activity vs. active passivity

Patch, Dr. Adams

Peck, M. Scott , , , , , , , , , ,

perfectionism

Personal Re-Organization (PRO) , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

planning and prioritizing

poem , , , ,

power of example

practical (definition)

practical tools

prevention , ,

processes, natural and organic

process of acceptance , ,

process of amplification , , , ,

process of decision-making , , , , ,

process of deepening and reinforcing ,

process of expanding and evolving

process of forgiveness and self-forgiveness ,

process of incorporating , , , , , , , ,

process of initiation , , , ,

process of layering and cultivating , ,

process of letting go ,

process of prioritizing

process of processes

process of questioning ,

process of self-awareness , , , , ,

process of simmering and percolating

process of sublimation

process of taking risks

process, stages of 70--75

psychodrama , , , , , , , , , , ,

**R**

raising the spirit

realistic (definition)

Reality Therapy (book) ,

reasonable (definition)

relationships

and behavior modification

a relationships diary

Are we able to have fun together

as a test of our growth

assertiveness ,

as tests of our true selves

beginning to heal

conflicts are inevitable

energy "boosters" or energy "suckers"? ,

friendship, love and sex

guilt-ing and shame-ing

healing together ,

healthy boundaries

hierarchies

how empowering are they?

how we exercise power

intimate relationships

is there any hope?

losing our identities

manipulation and games of control

mutual respect

negotiating new relationships

obstacles to healthy relationships

our baggage

passive/aggressive behavior

permission to be authentic and spontaneous

possessiveness and jealousy

post-bad relationship syndrome

power struggles

projection and unreasonable expectations

role of victim ,

roles of caretaker and savior

semi-committed

sick games

sick roles

some practical tools and processes 229--238

struggle for intimacy

success

the purpose of 182--184

the revolving door

toxic relationships , ,

wound-to-wound

repetition, reinforcement and follow-up ,

resistance

responsible (definition) ,

rest and recuperation

reverse psychology

ring-a-dingies , , , ,

Rinpoche, Tenzin Wangyal

R*I*S*H* = Responsible, Integrated,

Self-Healing , ,

role modeling , , ,

role plays

Roots (TV miniseries)

Rules of the Game 252--254

**S**

Salami Slices (S/S) , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Schneider, Meir

Search For The Real Self (book)

self-awareness , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

self-forgiveness , , , , , , , , , ,

self-healing (definition)

self-loathing

self-love

generating

\+ self-esteem = self-worth

vs. self-esteem

self-questioning

self-transformation , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

self-transformation, obstacles to 3--6

sex

healing and celebrating our sexuality together

possible sexual continuum

sex and its power

what i expect in a relationship

Sex, Tee-Hee (audio)

Shakespeare , ,

Shakespeare in Love (film)

simmering and percolating ,

simple pleasures

Sitting by the Well (book)

sleep and siestas

Slow Movement ,

Smart People (film)

smelling the flowers along the way

Smoke Enders

social intelligence

Solomon, Gary

spirals and curves

stages in salami slices (S/S)

Struggle for Intimacy (book)

support groups ,

synergy , , , , , ,

system of systems , , ,

**T**

tai chi ,

tendencies

The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People (book) ,

The Action Manual, Techniques for Enlivening Group Process and Individual Counselling (book) ,

The Artist's Way (book)

The Aviator (film)

The Best of Dixieland (audio)

The Continuum Concept (book) , ,

the cut-off

The Dance of Intimacy (book)

The Different Drum (book) , , ,

The Fisher King (film)

The Freedom Writers (film)

The Handbook of Self-Healing (book)

The Hero's Journey (workshop) ,

The Hero with a Thousand Faces (book) ,

The Ice Storm (film)

The King's Speech (film) ,

The Man Who Would Be King (book, film)

The Marriage of Heaven and Hell (anthology of poems)

The Miracles of Rebound Exercise (book)

The Motion Picture Prescription (book)

the pie ,

The Power of Myth (book) ,

The Power of Now (book) , ,

The Power of One (film)

The Pursuit of Happiness (film)

The Rag and Bone Shop of the Heart (book)

The Right Use of Power (book)

The Road Less Traveled (book) ,

The Story of Us (film)

The Unbearable Lightness of Being (film)

the way out is through and not around , ,

the year in review

Thoreau, Henry David

Tibetan Sound Healing (audio)

time "in between"

time management

Tolle, Eckhart ,

tonic of enthusiasm

Total Self , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

touchstones ,

truths are complementary and not exclusive ,

trying to do too much too soon

trying too hard

turning around ,

twelve-step programs , ,

**U**

under too much pressure

universal teachers ,

**V**

valorizing

vegetating

velcro stage , , , , , , , , ,

Voice Emergent (workshop)

Voluntary Simplicity

**W**

Walden (book)

Warming the Stone Child (book)

we teach what we need to learn the most

What about Bob (film)

whatever lights your fire

When All You've Ever Wanted Isn't

Enough (book) ,

when you are in the mood... do it

White, Liz ,

wikipedia , , , ,

Woititz, Janet

Women Who Run with the Wolves (book)

Woodman, Marion ,

Wounded Selves

Wyden, Peter

**Y**

yoga , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

You Can't Take It With You (film)

**Z**

Zorba the Greek (film)

## _DANIEL PETRA_

Daniel Petra is a teacher of Yoga, meditation, movement therapies, breathwork and regression therapy. Daniel also teaches laughter therapy, self-transformation and behavior modification techniques. Born in 1945, Daniel was severely traumatized as a child. He became an alcoholic by the age of fifteen, and eventually his alcoholism became so severe that he almost died in a total alcoholic coma: as a result he was forced to drop out of university. Daniel became clean and sober in 1979. Over a period of several decades, with the help of several self-help groups and of countless people, he has been able to completely regain his health and to overcome one obsessive/compulsive behavior after another.

Daniel has become a practitioner of naturopathy and many forms of healing arts. He practices Yoga, meditation and movement therapies on a daily basis; he has been active in martial arts and in a variety of sports. Daniel is a vegetarian and he eats and drinks only what is wholesome, natural and that helps him to stay healthy. Consequently, Daniel is extremely fit and enjoys radiant good health.

Daniel Petra has developed a variety of natural and organic processes that are extremely effective, especially in modifying our behavior. Daniel's processes help us to transform unhealthy and self-defeating habits and patterns into habits and patterns that are beneficial and empowering. He shows us how to practice them by tiny 'Baby Steps' and in thin 'Salami Slices' of time that we can easily incorporate into our extremely busy lives while we work, shop, socialize, play, and even while we drive.

In _Missing Links_ and in the books that follow, Daniel Petra shares not as a professional, but as one human being to another. There is absolutely nothing that is theoretical or speculative in Daniel's books. In order to learn what he needed to learn, Daniel has had to practically turn his body and his entire being into an experiential laboratory; he has integrated knowledge from a great variety of fields. He shares only tools, methods and processes that have proven successful for him and for countless others, over several decades of consistent practice.

Daniel Petra is a pen-name.

