 
### Table of Contents

Title Page

Introduction

Chapter 1 - Military & Nautical Jokes

Toughest Men in the Army

The Stowaway *

Motor Pool

Shower Patrol **

French Foreign Legion *

All Hands on Deck

Home from Camp *

Whale of a Good Time **

The Old Box Lunch

The General and the Nurse

Hard to Resist **

First Liberty ***

Where's the Beef

A Misundeerstanding

Sea Stories

Pierre the Fighter Pilot **

Music Calms the Savage Beast

Irish War with Iraq

Quality vs. Quantity

Colorful Dogfight *

Navy Fighter Pilot

Military Macho

Quick Response

Lost at Sea

The Magician and the Parot

Old Dilapidated Boat *

True Love

Just Too Secret

Taking Care of the Troops

The Blonde Airman

Risque Nicknames **

The Blind Date

A Very Expensive Fur Coat

Mutual Agreement

Urgent Military Update

The Only Alternative

Battle Dress

The Train to London

English Prisoner of War

Collision Course

Hungry Alligators

Pilots and Penguins

The Three Day Pass

A Flimsy Excuse

Bragging Vets

Exceptional Courage

The General's Dog

Give Us a Hand

GI Insurance

Joint Military Operations

Military Aircraft

General and the Brat

Valiant Service

Coming Out Party

Doggie Style

A Touch of Pneumonia

Canadian Military Contribution

The General's Secretary *

Knowing When It's Right

The Naval Surgeon

Turn to Stone

Coconut Tree Perspective *

Dumb Diver

Three Sick Soldiers

We's Sergeants Now

Aussies and Yanks

Dance on My Grave

Sociological Change

Returning Your Photo

Hiding from the Nazis

The Trained Penis *

Responding in Kind

Robot Colonel

Custer's Last Thoughts *

Battlefield Surgery

Really Ugly Shoes

Do Not Proceed

Postal Service Employment *

Deserter and the Nun *

Reluctant Paratrooper **

Old Veterans' Claim

A Test of Bravery

Try to Do This

Down at the Docks

Marines and Sailors **

The Ship's Log

The Plaid Condom

Marine Boot Camp *

When I Get Home *

Fellow Veteran

Vicarious Adventure

Watching Ships

White Knuckle Landing

Speak English Please

Frankfurt Ground Control

Scotch and Water

Royal Wedding Night **

I'm a Little Nervous *

The Ship's Wheel *

Staten Island Ferry

Chapter 2 - Miscellaneous Jokes

Brain Vs. Brawn

Tales from the Big City **

Hard to Please *

Talking Clock

Very Perceptive *

Red Tomatoes

Fsunny Smell

New Suit

Blarney Stone

The Good Samaritan

Pretty Hitchhiker **

Note on a String **

The Mini Bra

Superman Scores *

Bad Day at the Beach

Inventive Names *

Budget Costume *

Twisted Like a Corkscrew

Through the Guardrail

Simple Directions

The Jewelry Thief

Sleep Like a Baby

Turner Brown *

Picking Out a Costume

Ordering a Pizza

Embroidered Panties

the Watchful Watchman

This is My Car

Is That a Record? *

Who is the Guy?

Dragging Your Feet

Beer Contains Female Hormones

On the Wrong Road **

Forgetfull Actor **

Surplus Disposal

Chapter 3 - Motorcycle & Biker Jokes

Biker Bullies

Rural First Aid

Old Biker Chick

The Border Guard

Wild Thing

Don't Say a Word *

Crazy Cyclist

Ferocious Dog

Too Drunk to Drive

Insulting Customer *

Get Out of the Pool

The Biker Gang

Hog Heaven

Anniversary Presents *

Don't Like Bohemians *

Watch Your Language *

biker with a Hangover

The Motorcycle Mechanic

That's My Story

Southern Biker

Best Mottorcycles Made

Are You Ready to Go?

I Need a Wrench

Very Expensive Hotel

Just Rewards

Just Like Heart Surgery

Accident Explanation

Really Ugly Baby

Biker in Heaven

Ladies Day

Furry Fury

Official Harley Gear

Three Dead Bikers

A Very Scary Ride

Strongest Guy in the Bar

Give Me a Budweiser

Chapter 4 - Nationality & Ethnic Jokes

Overheard on the Bus

Nice of You to Ask *

Three Drinks Please

Nice Tattoo *

Two Dutch Girls *

Linebacker Potential

When in Japan **

What's in a Name *

Watering Your Camel *

Courageous Conduct

Telling Time in Tibet *

Always Good News

I Didn't Catch Your Name *

Pierre the Fighter Pilot **

Take Me to Iraq **

Birthday Presents

A Tiff with Riley

My Wife is Poisoning Me

Pedro and Roseetta

Who's Most Important

I've Got to Take a Call

The Stowaway *

Irish Math

Where's the Beef

Happy Mother's Day

Macho Mosquito

Spanish Sheepherder

French Foreign Legion *

Chinese Torture *

God Will Provide

Bungee Jumping in Mexico

Memorial Stone

Another Martini Please

Walk Don't Run

The American Way

Irish War with Iraq

Got any Water?

Reasonable Precautions *

A Real Scoop

You've Been Drinking Again

For Medicinal Purposes Only

Fully Loaded Volvo *

Richly Adorned

A Biased Perspective

Drinking Bet

Persistence

Polish Chicken Farm

Strange Request

First Things First

Irish Wedding **

Away at School

Sheepishly Selfish *

Quality vs. Quantity

Dishonorable Wife

Colorful Dogfight *

Last Words

Night School *

Volume Sales

No Speakee English

Small Change **

Under the Influence

Horse for Sale

International Competition

A Slight Accent

Another Chance

I Won't Tell

Norweigian Math

Blondes in Canada

Identity Crisis

Cause and Effect

An Ounce of Prevention

Lost at Sea

Construction Workers

Dating Advice

Chinese Jews

Just in Case *

Bad Response

Sand Box Squabble

Jewish Funeral

Ed Zachery Disease

A Down Under Virgin

Matzo Ball Soup

Charles deGaulle Retires *

The English Patient

No Surgery Required *

A Fly in the Beer

How Canada was Named

The Train to London

Two Irishmen in a Pub

Whiskey on My Grave

Mild Irish Temper

Bound for Heaven

The Last to Know

Heaven and Hell Compared

I'm Going Back to Italy *

Irish Drunk Driver

The Lad's First Kilt

Meet the Family

The Border Guard

Out-of-Town Dining

Canada's Worse Air Disaster

Dying for Some Lefse

Mysterious Happenings

English Prisoner of War

The Best Pubs Around

The Deserted Island

Japanese Pizza

Collision Course

International Sex Research *

The Kilt Mystery

Gay Bar in Dublin **

Multilingual Parrot

The Three Day Pass

Constipated Russian

Irish Border Guard

Halloween Party

Robot Caddy

Cheese from Heaven

Coming Out Party

Sport Analogies

Yankee Truck Driver

Goodby Old Friends **

Men's Figure Skating

Interpreting Old Symbols

Wrong Religion

The Mexican Student

The Jewish Samurai

Ten Lashes with a Whip

The Texan and the Aussie

Feed the Cat

A Strange Routine

The Texan's Revenge

Japanese Bride *

Illegal Alien

Arabs and the Jew

The Selfish Scottish Farmer

The Chinese Bartender

American Pride

Eating a Banana

New Construction Workers

His Last Request

A Sad Scottish Story *

A Matter of Faith

Sure is a Wonder ***

Talented Frog **

Zebra in Heaven

Back from the Dead

The Coldest Igloo

A Change for the Worse

Polish Truck Drivers

The Polish Prisoner

Polak and the Carpenter

Looking for Anya *

Hybrid Fish

Polish Painter

The Polish Husband **

Too Many Polish Jokes

Police Detective Interview

The Garden of Eden

Sanitary Napkins

Leroy's Vasectomy

No Vacancy

Accident at the Brewery

Sheep Shagging Research **

A Voice from Beyond

Too Many Jewish Jokes

Swedish-Chinese Laundry

Jewish Lawyer's Son

The Dog's Funeral

She Can't Talk Right Now **

Deaf Society Speech *

Quick Service **

Swedish Sympathy

Sociological Change

Hiding from the Nazis

Unemployment Compensation

Be Discreet

Saddam Doubles

An Apple for the Teacher *

The Best Toast

The Pope and the Queen

Irishmen and Indians

Irish Confession

The Emerald Isle

Chicken Launcher

Space Age Technology

French Terror Alert

A Test of Bravery

Polish Butcher Shop

International bus Rules

Warsaw Meat Market

The Communist Brothel

Soviet Succession

Russian Border Guards

Meat Shortage Interview

Keeping Score

Soviet Condom Order

Any Questions?

Passenger Safety

Another Glass of Water

Heavenly Language

Royal Competition

Wild Newfie Sex *

Excess Baggage

I'm with Fidel

Thank Stalin

The Plaid Condom

Please Fix My Watch

Merciful God

Soviet Technology

The birds and the Bees

Maiden Flight *

All the Same

Faulty Tire Suit

Great Speech

Cultural Euphemisms **

Exchange Rate *

Paint Me in the Nude

Jewish Nursing Home *

John Fluff *

Room Service

A Parking Space for Pedro

Three Vampires ***

Sean Connery's Routine

Medical Marvels

Great Anniversary Present

Three Unfaithful Wives

Stupid Wives

Chapter 5 - Newlywed Jokes

Last Minute Coaching *

Did I Say Something Wrong?

See I Told You

Tell Momma the Problem

Fiftieth Anniversary

Don't Bug Me

Important to Abstain

Basic Training

Fruits of Love *

Irish Wedding **

Small Change **

Let's Get Things Straight

Top Notch Condition

Three Virgin Daughters *

Divine Matrimony

Opening Night Performance

The Practical Joke

Breaking Her In Right

Revised Wedding Vows

It Won't Bite

Brilliant Observation **

Flowers for My New Bride

Baked Beans

A Down Under Virgin

Guardian Angel

Honeymoon in Hawaii

To Have and to Hold

Honeymoon Surprises

A Happy Ending

Southern Sex Education *

Newlywed Rules

Personal Hygiene

The Other White Meat **

The Honeymoon is Over

Your Breakfast Sir **

A Bad Bust

Fishing on His Honeymoon **

Going Out for a Beer *

How Many Children

Elderly Wedding

Dislodging the Bee **

Blonde's New Cell Phone

The Old Groom

What Does That Mean **

Saving it Up

Almost Every Night

Japanese Bride *

Delicate Washables

Newlywed Signals

Checking the Axle

So How Did it Go? *

Royal Honeymoon *

Wedding Night Recording *

Don't Rush to Judgement

She Can't Talk Right Now **

Sweet and Innocent *

Virginity Snapping *

Blonde Groom

What Would Tiger Do?

Golfing Groom

The Groom's Surprise

Honeymoon in Paris

Cheaper Than Surgery **

Hit the Penny

Bride Wearing White

Childhood Diseases *

Royal Wedding Night **

The Weary Prisoner

Terry's Joke Collection

#

# Terry's Joke Collection

# Volume VI

Military to Newlywed Jokes

# Terry Eade

Copyright 2017 Terry Eade

Smashwords Edition

ISBN 9781370475629
Introduction

Illustration by Terry Eade

This is the sixth of nine volumes of Terry's Joke Collection. The collection has been broken up into separate volumes to keep each book under a thousand pages. This has been done for storage and data transmission purposes. There are fifty-two chapters, with each chapter covering a specific category of jokes. This makes it easier to find a joke, which fits the occasion or topic.

Each joke has a title and is listed in the table of contents in the appropriate chapter so that it can be accessed directly by just clicking on its title. Jokes are also annotated to let the reader know if it is appropriate for the occasion or audience where you are telling the joke. This scale is explained at the beginning of each chapter. Although the number of chapters in each volume range from three to ten, most of the volumes contain about the same number of jokes. A complete listing of all volumes in this series is provided at the end of this book.

The advantage of having these books in electronic format is that you can view them on your smart phone, tablet, ebook reader, or computer. You can specify the size of the print they will appear in, so they are easy for you to read. You can also use your device's ebook reader software to electronically bookmark a joke you want to quickly access. Because they are stored as books in your mobile device library you can have them with you wherever you go, without needing a wi-fi connection, a cell phone connection, or using any of your data allowance.

The size and weight of this information in traditional print books would take a whole suitcase to store and that suitcase would weigh a ton. Now you can have thousands of jokes with you on your phone. So you should never have to apologize because you can't remember a great joke you would like to tell or forget the punch line of one you are trying to tell from memory.

Even if you're not the type of person who enjoys telling jokes, you will get hours of enjoyment reading those provided in this book and the other eight volumes of the Terry's Joke Collection series. Also. if you are like me, you will find your favorites and enjoy reading them over and over. When I am telling jokes to my friends they will have their favorites and request them for any new person in the group or just to hear them again. Virtually any time I am telling jokes to my friends they will say "Tell the one about the Foreign Legion captain and the camel, the taxidermist in the redneck bar, or the general and the motor pool." The titles of the jokes are descriptive, but designed to not give away the punch line of the joke.

Those reading solely for entertainment should make sure they take note of the joke rating notations explained at the beginning of each chapter. This way they are warned in advance that a joke may be racier or raunchier than they would like. Just as I do not want to offend my audience when telling a joke, I do not want to offend my readers by having them read a joke which might offend, shock, or embarrass them.

My collection of jokes started at a very young age. When I was just seven years old, my sixteen-year-old cousin would tell me jokes while we were riding the tractor together on his parents' farm in Michigan. He told me about the facts of life so I could understand the humor in the jokes. These "facts" were quickly validated, by watching the animals on the farm.

Since I had been exposed to a great number of more sophisticated jokes than my grade school companions, I became the one to tell jokes in the school yard. Because I was an army brat, and attended more schools than grades as I moved to new cities, states, and countries, I became the Johnny Appleseed of joke telling.

When I went to college my joke telling paid off in other ways. As long as I would tell jokes to my friends and classmates at the local college tavern, they would buy me beer. Since I was working my way through college, free beer was a great luxury as well as a vital part of the college experience.

Later, when I began teaching college courses, giving seminars, accepting speaking engagements, and serving as the MC at various functions, my jokes would often spice up otherwise dull subjects and events. Having a love of telling jokes and a very good memory, I retain the jokes and can still tell thousands from memory. My ability to do this is based on a trick I learned about public speaking. That trick is not to memorize the joke word for word, but to just remember the concept and the punch line and wing the rest. I also embellished my joke telling skills by adopting various accents and sound effects, which fit with the joke I was telling.

Whenever I told jokes in an informal setting, my companions would also share their favorite jokes and I would add those to my collection. Friends and relatives, who knew I was always looking for a new joke, emailed a great number of my jokes to me. As a result, my collection has grown so large that it takes nine volumes to tell them all. If you find a joke that is not included in my collection, please send it to me at teade@mac.com.

Although I have made up a few of the jokes in my collection, most of them are in the public domain. So, although the books are copyrighted, the jokes are not. Being an amateur cartoonist, I have also drawn all of the illustrations in the books and these are copyrighted as well.

All nine volumes of Terry's Joke Collection, as well as several other books I have authored, are available online from Barnes & Noble, the Apple iBookstore, Amazon.com, or directly from the publisher at smashwords.com (where I get a bigger royalty). Just go to any of those sites and search for "Terry Eade." 

# Chapter 1

# Military & Nautical Jokes

#

Illustration by Terry Eade

Some of the jokes in this chapter may appear in other chapters. For example a joke about a sailer and a Genie may appear here and in the Genie & Magic Jokes section. However, the jokes will have the same title in both chapters. The illustration above was drawn by the author and is protected by copyright.

The jokes have been annotated by an asterisk (*) for those which have language or content you may find offensive, a double asterisk (**) for those which are risque, and a triple asterisk (***) for those which may not be suitable for mixed company. Those jokes without annotation are more suitable for general audiences and usually more appropriate for speaking engagements. Viewer discretion is recommended.

# Toughest Men in the Army

Three old master sergeants were sitting around a table having drinks at the NCO club and talking about how tough the men in their respective units were.

The first sergeant says "We have the toughest men in the Army in our unit. We had one of our guys get his guts shot out ......I mean all his guts. Twenty-four hours later he was back on duty!"

"That's nothing," says the second sergeant, "we had a guy in our outfit who had his brains shot out .........I mean all his brains. Twenty-four hours later he was back on duty!!"

"I've got both of you guys beat," says the third sergeant, "we've got second lieutenants in our outfit with no brains or guts and the're on duty all the time!!!"

# The Stowaway *

The Captain noticed that when one of the crew members would take his break he would get a snack and then go out to one of the lifeboats and climb under the cover rather than take his break with the rest of the crew in the galley. After about a week the Captain went out to the lifeboat and looked inside. There was a pretty young oriental girl.

"What are you doing in there?" said the Captain.

"I'm sorry," says the girl," but my mother is very sick in Japan and I couldn't afford the passage to go and see her. So when I met this nice sailor in Seattle who offered to sneak me aboard his ship and hide me in this lifeboat, I knew my prayers had been answered. He has been bringing me food and water for almost a week. He is so nice, please don't punish him."

"And what is he getting for all this trouble?" says the Captain.

"Well," says the girl, "he has been screwing me."

"He sure as hell has," says the Captain "this is the Bremerton Ferry."

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Motor Pool

The desk clerk at the base motor pool is away eating his lunch. One of the mechanics goes through the office on his way to the latrine. Since he hears the phone ringing he answers the phone and says "Motor Pool"

"Yes," comes a gruff voice on the other end of the line," can you tell me what kind of transportation you have for officers?"

"Yea," says the soldier, "we've got Chevrolets for the lieutenants, Pontiacs for the captains, Oldsmobiles for the majors, Buicks for the colonels, and for those fat ass generals we've got Cadillacs."

"Soldier," says the voice on the other end of the line, "do you know who this is?"

"No sir I don't," says the soldier.

"This is General Thaddius Cornwall," booms the voice on the other end of the line.

After a slight pause the soldier responds with equal bravado "General do you know who this is?"

"No I don't," responds the General.

"Well then so long fat ass," says the soldier as he hangs up the phone.

# Shower Patrol **

The old Navy chief was briefing new sailors who were being assigned to the ship. One of the things he warned them about was some sexual pervert who would strike young sailors in the shower. The pattern had been for the assailant to wait until someone was showering alone and then when they would drop the soap and bend over to pick it up the lights would go out and the unknown assailant would strike. So far they had been unable to catch or identify the guilty party.

About a week into the cruise one young sailor was taking a shower by himself when he dropped his soap and bent over to pick it up. Sure enough the lights went out immediately, so remembering what the Chief had said he waited until the assailant struck and then stood up straight, tightened up his ass and called out "I've got him Chief, I've got him!!"

_** Risque_

# French Foreign Legion *

The young French Foreign Legion Lieutenant had just been promoted to Captain and assigned as the commander of a post in the desert of Algiers. After a few weeks on the job the young Captain called in his First Sergeant and asks him what there is to do around the post after hours.

"Well sir," responds the Sergeant "their are no women on the post but the men have chipped in and purchased a camel, which is tied out behind the barracks. If you would like me to put you on the list for the camel I would be pleased to be of service to you."

"I'm shocked," says the Captain indignantly, "I'm an officer in the French Foreign Legion and I would not stoop to such conduct. I'm insulted that you even thought I would do such a thing."

Several months go buy and the young Captain is getting extremely horney. One day he calls in the First Sergeant and says "I would like to apologize for my outburst about the camel when I first came to the post, I know that you were just looking out for my best interest. I have also considered that I may look arrogant to the men for not considering the use of their camel. So If it is not too much trouble I would like you to sign me up for a turn with the camel."

The Sergeant signs the Captain up for the camel and tells him the date. For the week before the Captains date with the camel, the Captain is getting very excited and checking off each day on his calendar. As soon as the Captain has finished his duties on the big day he takes a bath, puts on a clean uniform and goes out behind the barracks for his big rendezvous with the camel. He finds a stool beside the camel and puts it behind the camel stands on the stool and starts screwing the camel. After a few minutes he notices that all the men are leaning out the back windows of the barracks watching him and laughing. The Captain has waited a long time for this and does not give up until he is finished, even though the men are laughing harder and harder.

The next day the embarrassed Captain calls the First Sergeant into his office and demands an explanation.

"I thought you told me that you and all the men were signed up for the camel,"says the Captain.

"That's right sir," says the First Sergeant.

"Then why were they all laughing at me?" asks the Captain.

"Well sir," says the Sergeant " the men usually just ride the camel into town, that's were the women are."

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# All Hands on Deck

The young ensign had just been assigned to his first ship a large aircraft carrier. His job was to be in charge of the communications room and he wanted to do an especially good job so he would be noticed and perhaps more rappidly promoted. On the third day of the cruise a message came in that Seaman Jone's mother had died.

The young ensign took the message rushed to the bridge grabbed the microphone and yelled "All hands on deck, all hands on deck."

Soon all the crew is lined up on the deck and the ensign makes his announcement. "Seaman Jones your mother has died." At that point Seaman Jones is so surprised that he dies from shock.

So the Captain calls the ensign in and tells him that he definitely handled the situation poorly and to try and be much more sensitive on such matters in the future. A few days later another message comes in that Seaman Smith's mother has passed away.

Remembering the talk with the Captain, the ensign carefully considers the way he should handle the situation. After thinking about the situation for a few minutes, the ensign goes to the bridge and flips on the microphone and announces "All Hands on Deck, All hands on deck."

Once the sailors have assembled on deck the ensign says now all you men who's mothers are still living take one step forward.......ah, ah..... not you Seaman Smith!!"

# Home from Camp *

The young marine had just finished boot camp and was home on leave at his parents farm in the bible belt of Iowa. He really stood out with his buzz haircut and his sharply pressed uniform, but even more noticeable was the colorful language he had picked up in the Marine Corps.

That night at dinner he turned to his mother and said "Could you pass the fucking butter?"

At this his mother clasped her hand over her mouth in disbelief, started crying and had to leave the table.

After dinner his father took him outside and had a talk with him. "I know you are all grown up now and that you are exposed to some pretty rough language from your buddies in the service, but this is Iowa and we don't talk like that here, so while you are home you had better clean up your act and not give your mother any more grief."

The next night at dinner, the young marine appologised to his mother for his bad language and said that he would really try and act better around them.

Later in the meal he turned to his mother and said "Pardon me mother, would you please pass the butter?"

Both parents beamed at the improvement.

Then the son grined and said "Thought I was going to fuck up didn't ya?"

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Whale of a Good Time **

So these two whales, male and female, are swimming happily through the ocean.

On seeing a boat, the male says, "Hey, I've got a great idea! Let's swim up under that boat and blow out really hard through our blowholes!"

The female says, "Uh... I don't know..."

"Come on, it'll be fun, come on, just this once!"

The female agrees and they swim up under the boat and blow out, capsizing the boat and sending hapless sailors into the briny blue. As they are swimming away, the male says, "Wow, that was fun, wasn't it?"

Hey! I've got another idea! Let's swim back there and eat all the sailors!"

The female, exasperated, replies, "Look, I agreed to the blow job, but I'm not swallowing any seamen.

_** Risque_

# The Old Box Lunch

The flight crew of the Air Force C-141 cargo plane had completed their training mission and was returning to their home base. The aircraft commander, Major Franklin, had turned the controls over to the copilot and was going back to the cargo bay to have lunch with the rest of the crew.

After having finished their standard issue Air Force in-flight box lunch, the crew was engaging in conversation. As the Major was getting ready to dispose of the remains of his box lunch, he took out the small packaged moist towelette and held it in the air.

"Anyone want this before I throw it away," said the Major, "I don't use them anymore since my wife thinks the perfumed scent makes me smell like a French whorehouse."

"I'll take it sir," announced a young airman, "my wife has never been in a whorehouse."

# The General and the Nurse

The crusty old general had to spend a couple of days in the base hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses and the orderlies because he bossed them around just like he did his troops in the field. Even the throngs of cards and flowers from well wishers and brown nosers did not brighten him up. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.

One morning a young nurse came in and tried to take his temperature. The general told her it wasn't necessary and he wasn't going to comply. Not knowing what to do the young nurse went to the Head Nurse.

The head nurse was an equally crusty old major and she was not about to have the old general giving her nurses any more trouble. She came into the general's room and announced, "I have to take your temperature and I don't want any crap out of you. You may be a general, but this is my floor and you'll do what I say." After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.

"No, I'm sorry, the Head Nurse stated, "but for this reading, I cannot use an oral thermometer." This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his rear end.

After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!" She leaves the door to his room open on her way out.

He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door laughing. After almost an hour, the general's doctor comes into the room. "What's going on here?" asked the doctor.

Angrily, the general answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"

After a pause, the doctor responds, "Not with a daffodil."

# Hard to Resist **

Three soldiers head into town after receiveing the first pass they have had in three weeks. After a few beers in a downtown tavern they find their way to an out-of-the-way brothel. They go in and ask about the price. "Depends on what you get," says the proprietor, "we've got a $25 deal, a $35 deal and a $50 deal. It's all up to you."

The first soldier says, "well I'm a little short this month, so I'm going to try out the $25 deal." So he goes into the room and comes out about a half hour later with a big grin on his face. "Well how was the $25 deal?", his friends ask. "It was great" he says, "this nice looking bruenette comes in with nothing on, we have a little foreplay and then she takes a pineapple ring out of a can puts it around my cock and eats it off. It was great!"

The second soldier says, "That sounded great, I think I'm going to try the $35 deal." After about forty-five minutes the second soldier comes out of the room with an even bigger grin on his face than the first soldier. "What was the $35 deal like?' his friends inquire. "Well," he explains, "This great looking blonde comes in with nothing on, we have a little foreplay and then she takes two pineapple rings puts them both around my cock and eats them off." It was fantastic!!"

The third soldier says "I'm pretty well off this month and I've just got to try the $50 deal. So he goes into the room and comes out in about an hour with a bigger grin than the first two soldiers combined. "Well how was it?' ask his buddies with great excitement, "we're dieing to know what the $50 deal was like."

"Well", says the third soldier, "this fantastic looking redhead comes in wearing nothing but a smile, we have a lot of foreplay and then she puts three pineapple rings around my cock, piles on some whipping cream, sprinkels on some nuts, and tops it off with a cherry."

"Well then what happened?" ask the first two soldiers, obviously excited by the story.

"It looked so damned good I ate it myself," confessed the third soldier.

_** Risque_

# First Liberty ***

A young guy named Phil, who is just out of high school, enlists in the Navy. Like all the other recruits he has been confined to the base all during his basic training. Then they are told that they have one liberty before they ship out for a three month cruise. All of the other sailors have lined up dates for one last fling before they ship out.

Phil doesn't know any girls in the area and has always been too shy to pick up girls. However, he certainly doesn't want to have to tell all his shipmates that he spent his liberty on base at the library or watching television in the barracks. So he takes his car into town and looks for a hooker. By the time Phil gets into town the only hooker he can find is a seasoned vetran, who is easily three times his age. However, Phil is a man on a mission and he will not go back without a story.

Since Phil's only experiences in high school had been some light petting in his car, he picks up the old hooker and takes her up to Lookout Point. After fondling her sagging breasts for a few minutes he goes south and slips in his finger. After a few seconds of this the hooker says "Sony that's nowhere near enough." At this Phil slips in a second finger, but the hooker is still complaining that its isn't enough. Next he puts in his entire hand, and begins working it up to the wrist.

Starting to move around a little, the old hooker says "That's better, but I could still go for more."

At this point Phil sticks in both hands and shoves them in almost to the elbow.

"Now clap," says the hooker with a smile.

"I can't" says Phil.

"Tight isn't it?" the old hooker says proudly..

_*** May not be suitable for mixed company_

# Where's the Beef

An American soldier is on duty in Sweden, where he takes a Swedish gal out to the movies. They settle in and start some light petting, and the American says, "In America, we call this hamburger."

The gal says, "Yah, yah, vee call dis hamburger in Svedin, too."

The movie continues, and they go a little farther. The American says, "Now in America, we call this pastrami."

The gal says, "Yah, yah, vee call dis pastrami in Svedin, too."

They decide to leave the movie and go park the car. They get into the back seat and really go at it. Afterward, the American says, "In America, we call this a sandwich."

The gal says, "Yah, yah, vee call dis a sandvich in Svedin, too. Only vee put a little more meat in it."

# A Misunderstanding

The officer shouted orders to a nearby soldier. With considerable bravery, the GI ran directly onto the field of battle, in the line of fire, to retrieve a dispatch case from a dead soldier. In a hail of bullets, he dove back to safety.

"Private," the officer said, "I'm recommending you for a medal. You risked your life to save the locations of our secret warehouses."

"Warehouses!?" the private shouted. "I thought you said whorehouses!

# Sea Stories

An able-bodied seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns recounting their adventures at sea.

Noting the pirate's peg-leg, hook, and eye patch the seaman asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"

The pirate replies, "We was caught in a monster storm off the cape and a giant wave swept me overboard. Just as they were pullin' me out a school of sharks appeared and one of 'em bit me leg off."

"Blimey!" said the seaman. "What about the hook?"

"Ahhh...," mused the pirate, "We were boardin' a trader ship, pistols blastin' and swords swingin' this way and that. In the fracas me hand got chopped off."

"Zounds!" remarked the seaman. "And how came ye by the eye patch?"

"A seagull droppin' fell into me eye," answered the pirate.

"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously.

"Well..." said the pirate," ..it was me first day with the hook."

# Pierre the Fighter Pilot **

Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out or a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air.

Marie leans over to Pierre and says: "Pierre, kiss me!"

Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips.

"What are you doing, Pierre?", says the startled Marie.

"I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I like to have red wine!"

She smiles and they start kissing.When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower."

Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts.

"Pierre! What are you doing?", asks the bewildered Marie.

"I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I like to have white wine!"

They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up.

Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me lower!"

Our hero rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on fire.

Marie shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously, "PIERRE, WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?"

Our hero stands up, defiantly, and says, "I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I go down, I go down in flames!"

_** Risque_

# Music Calms the Savage Beast

A newly married sailor was informed by the navy that he was going to be stationed a long way from home on a remote island in the Pacific for a year. A few weeks after he got there he began to miss his new wife, so he wrote her a letter.

"My love," he wrote "we are going to be apart for a very long time. Already I'm starting to miss you and there's really not much to do here in the evenings. Besides that we're constantly surrounded by young attractive native girls. Do you think if I had a hobby of some kind I would not tempted? "

So his wife sent him back a harmonica saying, "why don't you learn to play this?"

Eventually his tour of duty came to an end and he rushed back to his wife. "Darling" he said, "I can't wait to make passionate love with you!"

She kissed him and said, "First let's see you play that harmonica."

# Irish War with Iraq

Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering whom to invade next when his telephone rang.

"Hallo! Mr. Hussein," a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy up in County Cavan, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy," Saddam replied, "this is indeed important news! Tell me, how big is your army?"

"At this moment in time," said Paddy after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, my cousin Sean, my next door neighbour Gerry, and the entire dominoes team from the pub -- that makes eight!"

Saddam sighed. "I must tell you Paddy that I have a million men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Begorrah!" said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back!"

Sure enough, the next day Paddy rang back. "Right Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Saddam asked.

"Well, we have two combine harvesters, a bulldozer and Murphy's tractor from the farm."

Once more Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have sixteen thousand tanks, fourteen thousand armored personnel carriers, and my army has increased to two million men since we last spoke."

"Really?" said Paddy "I'll have to ring you back!"

Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Right Mr. Hussein, I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."

"I'm sorry to hear that," said Saddam. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well," said Paddy "We've had a look at the Geneva Convention, all had a chat, and there's no way we can feed two million prisoners."

# Quality vs. Quantity

At the Russian War College, a general is a guest lecturer and tells the class of officers that the session will focus on potential problems and the resulting strategies.

One of the officers in the class begins by asking the first question, "Will we have to fight in a World War Three?"

"Yes, comrades, in all likelihood, you will," answers the general.

"And who will be our enemy, Comrade General?" another officer asks.

"The likelihood is that it will be China." The class looks alarmed, and finally one officer asks, "But Comrade General, we are 150 million people and they are about 1.5 billion. How can we possibly win?"

"Well," replies the general, "think about it. In modern war, it is not the quantity, but the quality that is key. For example, in the Middle East, 5 million Jews fight against 50 million Arabs, and the Jews have been the winners every time."

"But sir," asks the panicky officers, "do we have enough Jews?"

# Colorful Dogfight *

Sven, a Swedish pilot during World War I, was being interviewed on TV. He had been asked about the day he shot down 7 German airplanes.

"Well, Oi was jus flyin' aloong when suddenly Oi see this fokker flyin' oop at me," explained Sven in his native accent. "Oi looked aroun' and saw there woos another fokker off me right wing and then two fokkers offme left wing. There was a fokker behin' me, and two fokkers comin' doon at me."

At this point the interviewer interjected, "Perhaps I should explain to our viewing audience that a Fokker is a kind of German aircraft."

"Yah," said Sven. "That, too. But these fukkers were flying Messerschmidts."

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Navy Fighter Pilot

It seems that a young man volunteered for military service during World War II. He had such a high aptitude for aviation that he was allowed to skip boot camp and was sent right to Pensecola.

The very first day at Pensecola he solos and is the best flier on the base. All they could do was give him his gold wings and assign him immediately to an aircraft carrier in the Pacific.

On his first day aboard he took off and single-handedly shot down 6 Japanese Zeroes. Then climbing up to 20,000 feet, he found 9 more Japanese planes and shot them all down, too.

Noting that his fuel was getting low, he descended, circled the carrier and came in for a perfect landing on the deck.

He threw back the canopy, climbed out and jogged over to the captain. Saluting smartly he said, "Well sir, how did I do on my very first day?"

The captain turned around, bowed, and replied, "You make one velly impoltant mistake!"

# Military Macho

A sailor and a soldier were having a drinking contest in a bar. After they had both consumed a great quantity of beer they asked the bartender where the men's room was located. He informed them that it was not open because of a plumbing problem, but that they could go out on the bridge behind the bar an take a leak into the water. So the sailor went to one side of the bridge and the soldier went to the other.

Still in a competitive mood, the sailor remarks: "Boy that water is sure cold."

In an equally competitive manner the soldier remarks: "Yep, and deep too!"

# Quick Response

In the months before the start of World War II a young navy ensign had been assigned as the officier of the day and sent to a small observation post on a hill overlooking the Pearl Harbor naval base. To his surprise he was paid a visit from the Admiral who was commanding the Pacific Fleet.

"What would you do if you looked out to sea and saw a Japanese Battleship, which had snuck under our radar, had evaded observation because of dense fog and had now emerged from the fog bank and was bearing down on our position at full speed from the open sea?" quizzed the Admiral.

"I would immediately call headquarters and allert them to the danger and the ships position so that our fighter aircraft could be dispatched from Hickem Field to intercept the enemy ship and destroy it before it could get close enough to attack," responded the ensign.

"Very good," responded the Admiral, "but what would you do if someone had cut your phone line and your field phone didn't work either?"

After thinking for a second the ensign responded "I would take advantage of my position on this high bluff and use a six inch long range cannon to score a direct hit on the enemy battleship."

Looking around the observation post and seeing no such artillary piece, the Admiral inquired "and just where would you get this long range cannon?"

"The same place you got the Japanese battleship, sir," responded the ensign.

# Lost at Sea

Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp.

Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.

Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer!"

The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.

Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going Patrick! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat."

# The Magician and the Parot

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician did in every trick. Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show: "Look, it's not the same hat!" "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" "Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything, it was the captain's parrot after all. One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, and of course the parrot was by his side. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word.

This went on for several days. After a week the parrot finally said: "Okay, I give up. What'd you do with the boat?"

# Old Dilapidated Boat *

Joe and John were identical twins. Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself. One day he rented out his boat to a group of out-of-staters who ended up sinking it. He spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could from the sunken vessel and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening. Unbeknownst to him, his brother John's wife had died suddenly in his absence. When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery. A kind old woman there mistook him for John and said, "I'm so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible."

Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said, "Hell no! Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always holding water. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy."

"I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good and that she smelled bad. But they wanted her anyway. The damn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle." The old woman fainted.

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# True Love

An elderly couple was on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing at the stern of the ship watching the moon when a wave came up and washed the old man overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find him. The captain sent the old woman back to shore with the promise that he would notify her as soon as they found something.

Three weeks went by and finally the old woman got a fax from the ship. It read: "Ma'am, sorry to inform you, we found your husband dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled him aboard and discovered attached to his butt was an oyster. Inside the oyster was a pearl worth $50,000. Please advise."

The old woman faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap."

# Just Too Secret

Late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51, the ultra-high security secret base in Nevada, were surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.

The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.

By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.

The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane ... only this time there were two people in the plane.

The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"

# Taking Care of the Troops

George Washington was crossing the Delaware River with his troops. They were packed into the boats. It was extremely dark and storming furiously. The water was tossing them back and forth.

Finally Washington grabbed Corporal Peters and stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern. He ordered Peters to keep swinging it so they could see where they were heading. Corporal Peters stood up braving the wind and driving rain, swinging the antern back and forth. A while later a big gust of wind hit and threw Corporal Peters and his lantern into the Delaware.

Washington and his troops searched for hours trying to find Corporal Peters but to no avail. All of them felt terrible, for Corporal Peters had been one their favorites. Later Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet and totally exhausted. He rallied the troops and told them they must go on.

After several hours, Washington and his men could go no further. One of his men said, "General, I see lights ahead." They trudged towards the lights and came upon a huge house there in the woods. What they didn't know was this was a house of ill repute hidden in the forest to serve all who came.

General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him. The door swung open and the madam looked out to see Washington and all his men standing there. A huge smile came across her face to see so many men.

Washington spoke up, "Ma'm, I'm General George Washington and these are my men. We're tired, exhausted and desperately need warmth and comfort for a while."

Again the Madam looked at all the men standing there and with a broad smile on her face said, "Well General, you have come to the right place. We can surely give you warmth and comfort. How many men do you have?"

Washington said "Well Ma'am, there are thirty-two of us without Peters."

The madam said, "You Gotta Be Shitting Me!"

# The Blonde Airman

Fred and Ralph grew up together in California, both joined the Air Force and ended up being stationed together at an Air Base in Arizona. When they get a chance to take some leave, they hop in Fred's car and head for San Diego. As soon as they get there they rent a motel room, buy a couple of speedo swim suits and head for the beach to pick up some chicks.

Fred is a body builder and soon has a beautiful girl sharing his beach blanket. Ralph on the other hand is very skinny and is not having any luck getting a girl. Being sympathetic, Fred takes him aside and suggests that Ralph go to the produce market across the streat from the beach, buy a large potato and put it in his swim suit.

Excited about the prospect of increasing his sex appeal, Ralph buys a potato, puts it into the speedo and strolls down the beach looking for some action. After a couple of hours, he returns to where Fred and his new girl friend are located.

Ralph finds Fred and says, "your idea didn't work. Before the girls wouldn't even look at me, now they are all looking at me and laughing."

Fred takes a look at Ralph slaps his head and says, "You're suppose to put the potato in the front of your suit, not in the back!"

# Risque Nicknames **

Three high school girls are sitting around at the malt shop talking about the soldiers from the local Army post that they met the week before. Being very naughty they decide to make up nicknames for their new GI boyfriends and name them after soda pops.

"I'm going to call mine 7-Up, 'cause he's got seven inches and it's always up," says the first girl.

"I'm going to call mine Mountain Dew 'cause when he's in between my mountains, we're doing it," says the second girl.

"I'm going to call mine Jack Daniel's," says the third girl.

The first girl says,"You can't do that. We're talking about soda pop and you're talking about a hard liquor."

"Exactly," says the third girl with a big smile.

_** Risque_

# The Blind Date

The young airman was new on base, so one of the guys in the barracks lined him up with a blind date. The Airman decided to take the blind date to an amusement park. When he picked her up at her house he was pleased that she was very attractive and had a nice smile.

After they arrived at the amusement park they went for a ride on the Ferris wheel.

The ride completed and she seemed rather bored.

"What do you wanna do now?" he asked.

"I wanna get weighed," she said.

So the young man took her over to the weight guesser.

Next they rode the roller coaster. After that, he bought her some popcorn and cotton candy.

"What else she would like to do?" he asked her.

"I wanna get weighed," she said.

"I really latched onto a square one tonight," thought the young airman, and decided to take the girl home.

The girl's mother was surprised to see her home so early. "What's wrong, dear, didn't you have a nice time tonight?"

"Absowutewy wousy," said the girl.

# A Very Expensive Fur Coat

A young Navy Lieutenant and a beautiful blonde walk into a very posh Beverly Hills furrier. "Show the lady your finest mink!" the Lieutenant exclaims. So the owner of the shop goes in back and comes out with an absolutely gorgeous full-length coat.

As the blonde tries it on, the furrier discreetly whispers to the Lieutenant, "Ah, sir, that particular fur goes for $65,000."

"No problem! I'll write you a check!"

"Very good, sir." says the shop owner. "Today is Saturday. You may come by on Monday afternoon to pick it up, after your check has cleared."

So the Lieutenant and the blonde leave.

On Monday morning the Lieutenant returns.

The store owner is outraged: "How dare you show your face in here? The bank said you closed your checking account last Friday!"

"I just had to come by before I shipped out," grinned the Lieutenant, "to thank you for the most wonderful weekend of my life!"

# Mutual Agreement

A squad of American soldiers was patrolling the Iraqi border, when they came across a badly mangled dead body. As they got closer, they found it was an Iraqi soldier.

A short distance up the road, they found a badly mangled American soldier in a ditch on the other side of the road, struggling to breathe. They ran to him, cradled his bruised head and asked him what had happened.

"Well," he whispered, "I was walking down this road, armed to the teeth when I came across this heavily armed Iraqi border guard. I looked him right in the eye and shouted, 'Saddam Hussein is a moronic, deceitful, lying piece of trash!'"

"He looked me right in the eye and shouted back, 'George W. Bush is a moronic, deceitful, lying piece of trash too!'"

"We were standing there shaking hands when the truck hit us.

# Urgent Military Update

President Dubya was awakened one night by an urgent call from the Pentagon.

"Mr. President," said the four-star general, barely able to contain himself, "there's good news & bad news."

"Oh, no," muttered the President, "Well, let me have the bad news first."

"The bad news, sir, is that we've been invaded by creatures from another planet."

"Gosh, and the good news?"

"The good news, sir, is that they eat reporters and pee oil."

# The Only Alternative

A soldier at the Pentagon got out of the shower, and realized that his clothes were missing. And then he accidentally locked himself out of the locker room. So now he was completely naked in the halls of the headquarters of the most powerful military organization on the planet. And he felt pretty ridiculous. Getting an idea, he walked naked and purposefully through the corridors until he reached the Research & Development laboratory. He walked in and saluted the Head Scientist.

"I am here to report the partial success of the personal invisibility device!"

# Battle Dress

There once was pirate captain who, whenever it looked like a battle would be imminent, would change into a red shirt. After observing this behavior for a few months, one of the crew members asked him what it meant.

"It's in case I get shot. I don't want you crew members to see blood and freak out."

"That's very sensible, sir." At that moment, the crew member spotted eight hostile ships on the horizon. The captain all of a sudden looked very concerned.

"Get my brown pants."

# The Train to London

During WW II an American soldier had been on the front lines in Europe for three months, when he was finally given a week of R & R. He caught a supply boat to a supply base in the south of England, and then caught a train to London.

The train was extremely crowded and he could not find a seat. He was dead on his feet and walked the length of the train looking for any place to sit down. Finally he found a compartment with seats facing each other; there was room for two people on each seat. On one side sat only a proper looking, older British lady with a small dog sitting in the empty seat beside her.

Could I please sit in that seat?" he asked. The lady was insulted. "You bloody Americans are so rude," she said. "Can't you see my dog is sitting there?" He walked through the train once more and still could not find a seat. He found himself back at the same place.

"Lady, I love dogs - have a couple at home - so I would be glad to hold your dog if I could sit down," he said. The lady replied, "You Americans are not only rude you are arrogant too."

He leaned against the wall for a time, but was so tired he finally said, "Lady, I've been on the front lines in Europe for three months with not a decent rest for all that time. Could I please sit there and hold your dog?" The lady replied, "You Americans are not only rude and arrogant, you are also obnoxious!"

With that comment, the soldier calmly stepped in, picked up the dog, threw it out the window, and sat down. The lady was speechless. An older, neatly dressed Englishman sitting across on the other seat spoke up.

"Young man, I do not know if all you Americans fit the lady's description of you or not. But I do know that you Americans do a lot of things wrong. You drive on the wrong side of the road, you hold your fork with the wrong hand, and now you have just thrown the wrong bitch out of the window."

# English Prisoner of War

An English prisoner of war was held by the Germans. The Englishman was shot all over the place, and okay until one day when the German told him, "Englander, your arm is infected with gangrene vee must cut it off."

The English prisoner said, "Well, okay, but could you drop it over England when you go bombing?"

The German replied, "Ya, that vill not be a problem."

A few weeks later the German tells the Englishman that they have to cut his other arm off. The Englishman says, "Well, could drop it over England like you did last time?"

"Ya, that vill be done," says the German.

The next day the German tells him that they have to cut his leg off. Once again the Brit says, "Well, could you do the same as before?"

The German replies, "Vhy, ya."

The next the German tells him they have to cut his other leg. "Well," begins the Brit, "could you just..."

The German snapped, "No! We think you are trying to escape!"

# Collision Course

Transcript of the actual radio conversation of a US Naval Ship with Canadian autorities off the coast of Newfoundland:

Canadian: "Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision."

Americans: "Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision."

Canadians: "Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision."

Americans: "This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert your course."

Canadians: "No. I say again, you must divert your course."

Americans: "This is the aircraft carrier USS Lincoln, the second largest ship in the United States Atlantic fleet. We are accompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers, and numerous support vessels. I demand that you change your course 15 degrees north, I say again, that's one five degrees north, or counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship."

Canadians: "This is a lighthouse. Your call"

# Hungry Alligators

While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, "Are there any gators around here?!"

"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"

Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore. About halfway there he asked the guy, "How'd you get rid of the gators?"

"We didn't do nothin,'" the beachcomber said.

"Wow," said the tourist.

The beachcomber added, "The sharks got 'em."

# Pilots and Penguins

A Mexican newspaper reports that bored Royal Air Force pilots stationed on the Falkland Islands have devised what they consider a marvelous new game. Noting that the local penguins are fascinated by airplanes, the pilots search out a beach where the birds are gathered and fly slowly along it at the water's edge. Perhaps ten thousand penguins turn their heads in unison watching the planes go by, and when the pilots turn around and fly back, the birds turn their heads in the opposite direction, like spectators at a slow-motion tennis match.

Then, the paper reports, "The pilots fly out to sea and directly to the penguin colony and overfly it. Heads go up, up, up, and ten thousand penguins fall over gently onto their backs."

# The Three Day Pass

An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3-day pass.

The CO says "Are you crazy? You just join the Israeli army, and you already want a 3-day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!"

So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank!

The CO was so impressed, he approved the three day pass and asked "How did you do it?"

"Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Arabs. I approached the border, and saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up, the Arab tank put his white flag up. I said to the Arab soldier, "Do you want to get a three-day pass? So we exchanged tanks!"

# A Flimsy Excuse

The Captain went out to find that none of his G.I.s were there. One finally ran up, panting heavily.

"Sorry, sir! I can explain, you see I had a date and it ran a little late. I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here."

The Captain was very skeptical about this explanation but at least he was here so he let the G.I. go.

Moments later, eight more G.I.s came up to the general panting, he asked them why they were late.

"Sorry, sir! We had a date and it ran a little late, we ran to the bus but missed it, we hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought some horses that dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now we're here."

The Captain eyed them, feeling very skeptical but since he let the first guy go, he let them go, too. A ninth G.I. jogged up to the General, panting heavily.

"Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but..."

"Let me guess," the Captain interrupted, "it broke down."

"No," said the G.I., "there were so many dead horses in the road, it took forever to get them out of the way so we could get around them."

# Bragging Vets

Two old army vets were boasting to each other about their old units.

"Why, my outfit was so well drilled," declared one, "that when they presented arms all you could hear was slap, slap, click."

"Very good," conceded the other, "but when my company presented arms you'd just hear slap, slap, click, jingle."

"What was the jingle?" asked the first.

"Oh," replied the other offhand, "just our medals."

# Exceptional Courage

Admiral McKenzie was visiting his colleague General Marshall, at the Army post Marshal commands. When McKenzie arrives Marshal escorts him around the post and shows him all the facilities and a combat excercise which is underway at the post.

As they walk around the post Admiral asks: "So how well trained are your men?"

"Very well trained, Admiral. McKenzie."

"I would hope so General," says the Admiral' "because the sailors in my fleet are not only highly trained, but exhibit exceptional courage as well."

"I'm sure my soldiers are every bit as brave as your sailors", boasts the General as he summons on of his soldiers over and says: "Private Johnson! I want you to stop that tank coming up the hill with nothing your body!"

"Are you crazy?" says Johnson, " It'd kill me, you idiot! I'm out of here!"

As private Johnson runs away, a chagrined Marshall turns to a bewildered McKenzie and says: "You see? You have to have a lot of guts to talk to a general that way."

# The General's Dog

It was a dark, stormy, night. The Marine was on his first assignment, and it was guard duty.

A General stepped out taking his dog for a walk. The nervous young Private snapped to attention, made a perfect salute, and snapped out "Sir, Good Evening, Sir!"

The General, out for some relaxation, returned the salute and said "Good evening soldier, nice night, isn't it?"

Well it wasn't a nice night, but the Private wasn't going to disagree with the General, so the he saluted again and replied "Sir, Yes Sir!".

The General continued, "You know there's something about a stormy night that I find soothing, it's really relaxing. Don't you agree?"

The Private didn't agree, but them the private was just a private, and responded "Sir, Yes Sir!"

The General, pointing at the dog, "This is a Golden Retriever, the best type of dog to train."

The Private glanced at the dog, saluted yet again and said "Sir, Yes Sir!"

The General continued "I got this dog for my wife."

The Private simply said "Good trade Sir!"

# Give Us a Hand

During an Army war game a commanding officer's jeep got stuck in the mud. The C.O. saw some men lounging around nearby and asked them to help him get unstuck.

"Sorry sir," said one of the loafers, "but we've been classified dead and the umpire said we couldn't contribute in any way."

The C.O. turned to his driver and said, "Go drag a couple of those dead bodies over here and throw them under the wheels to give us some traction."

# GI Insurance

Corporal Jones was assigned to the induction center where he was to advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI Insurance.

It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Corporal Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before.

Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said:

"If you have the GI Insurance, go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI Insurance, go into battle and get killed, the government has to pay only a maximum of $6000."

"Now," he concluded, "Which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?"

# Joint Military Operations

One reason the military has trouble operating jointly is that they don't speak the same language.

For example, if you told Navy personnel to "secure a building," they would turn off the lights and lock the doors.

Army personnel would occupy the building so no one could enter.

Marines would assault the building, capture it, and defend it with suppressive fire and close combat.

The Air Force, on the other hand, would take out a three-year lease with an option to buy.

# Military Aircraft

On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle. One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"

The tower responded, "Who is calling?"

The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"

The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference. If it is an American Airlines Flight, it is 3 o'clock. If it is an Air Force aircraft, it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon."

# General and the Brat

As a crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a 5-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.

Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear.

Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause.

As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve. "Excuse me, General," she asks quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?"

The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door on any flight I choose."

# Valiant Service

One Sunday morning, the minister noticed little Alex was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. It was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it.

The seven year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the minister walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, "Good morning, Alex."

"Good morning, Preacher," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque. "Preacher, what is this?"

"Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."

Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little Alex's voice was barely audible, trembling with fear, when he asked,"Which service, the 8:15 or the 10:30?"

# Coming Out Party

A U.S. Navy cruiser pulled into port in Mississippi for a week's liberty.The first evening, the Captain was more than a little surprised to receive the following letter from the wife of a wealthy plantation owner:

"Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter Melinda's, coming of age party. I would like you to send four well mannered, handsome, unmarried officers. They should arrive at 8 p.m. prepared for an evening of polite southern conversation and dance with lovely young ladies. One last point: No, Mexicans. We don't like Mexicans."

Sure enough, at 8 p.m. on Thursday, the lady heard a rap at the door. She opened the door to find, in dress uniform, four exquisitely mannered, smiling black officers. Her jaw hit the floor, but pulling herself together she stammered, "There must be some mistake!"

"On no, madam," said the first officer, "Captain Martinez doesn't make mistakes."

# Doggie Style

Two sailors who had been out to sea for a while were sharing drinks while discussing their wives. "Does your wife ever...well, you know...does she...well, let you do it doggie style?" asked one of the sailors.

"Well, not exactly," his friend replied, "She's more into the trick dog aspect of it."

"Oh, I see. Kinky stuff, huh?"

"Well, not exactly. Whenever I make a move, she's most likely to roll over and play dead."

# A Touch of Pneumonia

"You've got a touch of pneumonia," said the medical officer after examining the new enlistee.

"Are you sure, sir?" queried one worried man. "I have known a lot of people in civilian life who were told they have pneumonia but then to die of something quite different."

"You are not a civilian anymore, Samson. You're in the Army!" thundered the medical officer. "And if you get treated in the Army for pneumonia, you die of pneumonia."

# Canadian Military Contribution

It was announced today that Canada is now prepared to help the United States in its war against terrorism. They have promised to commit 2 of their largest battleships, 6,000 armed troops, and 60 fighter jets.

However, after the exchange rate, that comes down to a canoe, 2 Mounties, and a flying squirrel.

# The General's Secretary *

The old general got himself a new secretary. She was young, sweet, and very polite.

One day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open. When leaving the room, she said, "General, your barracks door is open."

He did not understand her remark, but later on he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open. He decided to have some fun with his secretary. Calling her in, he asked, "By the way Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door was open this morning, did you also notice a soldier standing at attention?"

The secretary, who was quite witty replied, "Why no sir, all I saw was a little disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags."

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Knowing When It's Right

A young private is sitting in a bar next to an old sergeant. The private says to the sergeant, "You're married arn't you sarge?'

"Yep," says the sergeant, "been married for sixteen years now. Why do you ask?"

"Well," says the private, "I've been dating for a few years and I just wondered how you know when you've met the right girl to marry?"

"Oh you'll know," says the sergeant. "When I first met my wife, I knew that she was 'Ms. Right'."

Then the sergeant took a drink of his beer and smiled as he continued "But at that time I didn't know that her first name was 'Always'."

# The Naval Surgeon

"What kind of job do you do?" a lady passenger asked the man traveling in her compartment.

"I'm a naval surgeon," he replied.

"Goodness!" said the lady, "How you doctors specialize these days!"

# Turn to Stone

A Young hillbilly kid from the hills of West Virginia had joined the navy and was on liberty with his shipmates in New York City. When his friends had found out that he had never been to a strip show and had never seen a naked woman, they took he to a strip club and had a great time watching his reaction.

After a few table dances, the young hillbilly got up from his table and ran outside the club. One of his buddies followed him out to see what was the matter.

"Are you OK," says the shipmate.

"I don't know," says the hillbilly, "my mama told me if I looked at anything bad I'd turn to stone.... and I can feel it starting!"

# Coconut Tree Perspective *

A young wife, her boorish husband and a good-looking sailor were ship-wrecked on an island and had already been there for awhile.

One morning the sailor climbed a tall coconut tree and yelled - "Stop fucking her down there!"

"What's the matter with you?" asked the husband after the sailor came back down. "We weren't doing anything."

"Sorry," said the sailor. "from up there it looked like you were."

Every morning after that, the sailor scaled the small tree and yelled the same thing. Finally, the husband decided to climb the tree and see for himself. With great difficulty, he made his way to the top.

"By golly, he's right," said the husband. "It DOES look like they're fucking down there!"

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Dumb Diver

One day a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 ft below sea level. He noticed a guy at the same depth he was, but he had on no scuba gear whatsoever.

The diver went below another 20 ft, but the guy joined him a few minutes later. The diver went below 25 ft, but minutes later, the same guy joined him. This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof chalk-and-board set, and wrote, "How the hell are you able to stay under this deep without equipment?"

The guy took the board and chalk, erased what the diver had written, and wrote -

"I'M DROWNING, YOU MORON!!!"

# Three Sick Soldiers

An army Major visits the sick soldiers, goes up to one private and asks -

"What's your problem, Soldier?"

"Chronic syphilis, Sir!"

"What treatment are you getting?"

"Five minutes with the wire brush each day, Sir!"

"Anything I can do for you son?"

"Just get me back to the front lines, Sir!"

"Good man!" says the Major.

He goes to the next bed.

"What's your problem, Soldier?"

"Chronic piles, Sir!"

"What treatment are you getting?"

"Five minutes with the wire brush each day, Sir!"

"Anything I can do for you son?"

"Just get me back to the front lines, Sir!"

"Good man!" says the Major.

He goes to the next bed.

"What's your problem, Soldier?"

"Chronic gum disease, Sir!"

"What treatment are you getting?"

"Five minutes with the wire brush each day, Sir!"

"Anything I can do for you son?"

"Just get me the wire brush before the other two - Sir!"

# We's Sergeants Now

Two good ol' boys, Bubba and Junior get promoted from Privates to Sergeants. Not long after, they're out for a walk and Bubba says, "Hey, Junior - there's the NCO Club. Let's you and me stop in and have us a drank."

"But we's privates," protests Junior.

"NO, we's sergeants now," says Bubba, pulling him inside "Now, Junior, I'm gonna sit down and have me a drank."

"But, we's privates," says Junior.

"You blind, boy!" says Bubba, pointing at his stripes. "We's Sergeants now!"

So they order their drinks and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Bubba.

"You're cute," she says, "and I'd like to take you someplace and make you feel good -- but I've got a bad case of gonorrhea."

Bubba pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Junior, go look in the dictionary and see what that gonorrhea means. If it's good, give me the okay sign."

Junior goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Bubba the big okay sign.

Three weeks later Bubba is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea.

"Junior," he says, "What you give me the okay for?!"

"Well Bubba, in the dictionary, it says gonorrhea only affects the privates." Then he pointed to his stripes and says, "But we's Sergeants now!

# Aussies and Yanks

An Australian Combat Field Engineer Sergeant and a U.S Marine were on exchange duty and were sharing the latrines.

The Aussie Sergeant finished first and walked out without washing his hands. The U.S Marine watched in disgust, finished his squirt, washed his hands and walked up to the Aussie Sergeant and said. " In the U.S Marine Corps we were taught to wash our hands after a leak".

The rather large Aussie Sergeant replied, " In the Australian Army mate, we were taught not to piss on our hands ...! "

# Dance on My Grave

A drill sergeant had just chewed out one of his cadets, and as he was walking away, he turned to the cadet and said, "I guess when I die you'll come and dance on my grave."

The cadet replied, "Not me, Sarge...no sir! I promised myself that when I got out of the Army I'd never stand in another line!"

# Sociological Change

A visitor, returning to Kuwait for the first time since the Gulf War, was impressed by a sociological change. On previous visits she noted that women customarily walked about 5 paces behind their husbands.

She observed that the men now walked over 20 paces BEHIND their wives!

She approached one of the women for an explanation: "What enabled women here to achieve this marvellous reversal of roles?"

"Land mines," replied the Kuwaiti woman.

# Returning Your Photo

The soldier serving overseas and far from home was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back.

A creative fellow, he went out and collected from his buddies all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them to her with a note stating the following:

"Dear Mary,

I can not remember which one is you ... please keep YOUR photo and return the others!"

# Hiding from the Nazis

This elderly Italian guy goes to his parish priest and asked if he would hear his confession. The priest assured him that he would, and the two took up the customary positions on either side of the divider.

"Well, Father," began the old man, "At the beginning of World War II a beautiful Jewish woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans. So I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."

"That's a wonderful thing," interjected the priest, "But it's certainly nothing you need to confess!" "It's gets worse Father," continued the elderly fellow, "I was weak and I told her that she had to repay me for hiding her, by providing me with sexual favors."

The priest contemplated this disclosure for a minute and then responded, "Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a very large risk. You would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her. I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil of your acts, and judge you kindly."

"Thank you Father," said the old man. "That's a load off my mind! Can I ask another question?"

"Of course, my son," said the priest.

The old man asked, "Do I have to tell her that the war is over?"

# The Trained Penis

A guy who was in the Air Force had just spent a year tour unaccompanied to Alaska. The first night he got home, he exclaimed to his wife, "Honey, I want you to know that I haven't wasted all this time alone. Instead, I've mastered the art of mind over matter. Just watch this!"

And with that he dropped his trousers and shorts and stood before her in his altogether.

"Now watch," he said. Next he said, "Dick, ten-HUT!" And with that, his dick sprang to full erection. Then he said, "Dick, at EASE!" And his dick deflated again.

"Wow, that was amazing," said his wife. "Do you mind if I bring our next-door neighbor over to see this? It's really something else!"The guy responded that he didn't mind at all, since he was proud of what he had accomplished.

So the wife goes next door and comes back with a delicious looking woman who got this guy's full attention! After a brief pause to take her in, he said, "Now watch this." Then he said "Dick, ten-HUT!" and the dick sprang to life.

Then it was "Dick, at EASE!" But nothing happened. So the guy again said, "Dick, at EASE!" But still nothing happened. So the guy now says, "For the last time, you son-of-a-bitch, I said AT EASE!!" Still nothing.

Well, the guy was embarassed and ran off to the bathroom. His wife made excuses for him and then joined her husband in the bathroom, where she found him masturbating.

"What in the world are you doing!?" she asked.

The guy says... "I'm givin' this son-of-a-bitch a dishonorable discharge!"

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Responding in Kind

An enemy decoy, built in occupied Holland, led to a tale that has been told and retold ever since by veteran Allied pilots. The German "airfield," constructed with meticulous care, was made almost entirely of wood. There were wooden hangars, oil tanks, gun emplacements, trucks, and aircraft.

The Germans took so long in building their wooden decoy that Allied photo experts had more than enough time to observe and report it.

The day finally came when the decoy was finished, down to the last wooden plank. Early the following morning, a lone RAF plane crossed the Channel, came in low, circled the field once, and dropped a large wooden bomb.

# Robot Colonel

It is the year 2020 and the US has succeeded in building a robot colonel with a computer able to solve any strategic or tactical problem in the field. Military leaders, faced with dedisions in an armed conflict, are assembled in front of the new machine and instructed to feed difficult tactical problem into it. They describe a hypothetical situation to the robot colonel and then ask the pivotal question: attack or retreat?

The robot colonel hums away for an hour and then comes up with the answer: YES.

The generals look at each other, somewhat stupefied. Finally one of them submits a second request to the robot colonel: YES WHAT?

Instantly the robot colonel responded: YES SIR!

# Custer's Last Thoughts *

The curator of an art gallery asked an artist for a painting depicting General Custer's last thoughts.

Two weeks later, the artist unveiled the painting, an enormous canvas with a lovely blue lake painted in its center, with a fish leaping from the water with a shining halo around its head. At the top of the painting was a large eye ball and on the shores of the lake were the most detailed pictures of Indians fornicating.

After gaping at the painting for some time, the enraged curator demanded to know what the theme was supposed to be.

The artist said, "You asked for a painting of Custer's last thoughts," he explained. "That's it. Custer was thinking, 'Holy mackerel, look at all those fucking indians.'"

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Battlefield Surgery

A soldier goes into a military field hospital for surgery after being wounded in battle.

Waking up from the anesthesia he sees his doctor standing at his bedside. "So tell me Doc, what did you do to me?"

The doctor says, "Son, we have some good news and some bad news."

"Yeah, what?" replies the patient.

"Well the good news is that we were able to save your private parts."

"Yes, that is good news Doc, but what about the bad news?"

"We put them under your pillow!"

# Really Ugly Shoes

Ten hillbilly recruits had just arrived at the Army training camp by bus and were lined up in their civilian clothes for an initial inspection. All of the men were barefoot except one young fellow who had a pair of clod hopper style farm shoes.

"Hey johnson!" yelled the drill instructor, " those are the ugliest shoes i've ever seen! "

"Yes, sir" the young man answered.

"Those shoes are really really ugly, right?" hollered the D.I again

"Yes, sir!"

"And that hair -- don't they have barbershops where you came from?"

"Yes, sir", answered the recruit.

"So why didn't you get a haircut?"

"I was saving up for shoes, sir!"

# Do Not Proceed

A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate. His orders were clear: No car was to enter unless it had a special sticker on the windshield. A big Army staff car came up with a general seated in the back. The sentry said, "Halt, who goes there?"

The chauffeur, a corporal, says, "General Wheeler."

"I'm sorry, I can't let you through. You've got to have a sticker on the windshield."

The general said, "Drive on!"

The sentry said, "Hold it! You really can't come through. I have orders to shoot if you try driving in without a sticker."

The general repeated, "I'm telling you, son, drive on!"

The sentry walked up to the rear window and said, "General, I'm new at this. Do I shoot you or the the driver?"

# Postal Service Employment *

A guy goes in to apply at the U.S. Postal Service for a job. During the interview, the interviewer asks the guy if he is a veteran. The guy says "Yes, I fought over in Vietnam."

Then the interviewer asks if the guy has any disabilities. The guy responds, "Well, I stepped on a land mine over there and blew my testicles off."

"Great!," responds the interviewer... we give disabled Vet preference. "You can start tomorrow morning at 10 a.m."

"But doesn't everyone normally start at 8 a.m.?", asks the guy.

"Yes, but you don't have to come in until 10... All we do is just stand around and scratch our balls for the first two hours anyway!"

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Deserter and the Nun *

A GI deserter from Texan was running down a road escaping from two MPs. He came to a fork in the road and saw a nun standing there. He asked her, "Please Sister, may I hide under your skirts for a few minutes. I'll explain why later."

The nun agreed to his request. Shortly thereafter, the two MPs came running along and asked her if she had seen a soldier running down the road. She replied, "He went that way".

After the MPs disappeared, the Texan crawled out from under her skirt and said. "I can't thank you enough Sister, but you see I don't want to go to Iraq."

The nun said she understood.

The Texan said, "I hope you don't think me rude or impertinent, but you have the most beautiful pair of legs I've ever seen!"

The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher,you would have seen the most beautiful pair of balls you've ever seen! I don't want to go to Iraq either!"

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Reluctant Paratrooper **

A young man joined the army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went though the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from an airplane. The next day, he phoned his father to tell him the news.

"So, did you jump?" the father asked.

"Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the plane, and the Sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out of the 'plane!"

"Is that when you jumped?" asked the father.

"Um, not yet. Then the Sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and throw them out the door."

"Did you jump then?" asked the father.

"I'm getting to that. Everyone else had jumped, and I was the last man left on the 'plane. I told the Sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He told be to get off the 'plane or he'd kick my ass."

"So, did you jump?"

"Not then. He tried to push me out of the 'plane, but I grabbed onto the door and refused to go. Finally he called over the Jump Master. The Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 240 pounds. He said to me, 'Boy, are you going to jump or not?' I said, 'No, Sir. I'm too scared.' So the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and exposed himself. He said, Boy, either you jump out of that door, or you and I are going to have some wild time".

"So, did you jump?" asked the father.

"Well, a little, at first."

_** Risque_

# Old Veterans' Claim

A group of World War II veterans have recently filed a class action suit in Federal District Court in the Rio Grande Valley of Texas, asking to be compensated by the United States Army for causing bodily harm to their persons when the cooks and mess sergeants were ordered to put saltpeter in their coffee.

The veterans claim it is now beginning to affect their sex lives.

# A Test of Bravery

It seems that Reagan and Gorbachev arranged a competition to determine whose nation had the bravest troops. The two leaders arrived, at the designated hour, on a plateau in Finland high above the water. Each was accompanied by a battalion of crack troops, smartly uniformed. The leaders shook hands.

Reagan went first. He addressed his battalion of Marines:

"Private Jones! Front and center."

Private Jones saluted and briskly marched to the front of the ranks, facing his commander.

"Private Jones! March to the edge of the cliff."

Private Jones saluted and briskly marched to the very edge of the cliff.

"Private Jones! Jump!"

Jones just stood there, unmoving.

"Private Jones! I said jump!"

The man's knees started to shake, but he was otherwise motionless.

"Private Jones! This is your Commander-in-Chief. I ORDER YOU TO JUMP!!!" Private Jones wailed out: "I can't! I have a wife - and a family!"

The MPs arrived and escorted Jones away for court martial. Reagan backed off in disgrace. It was now Gorbachev's turn.

"Comrade Dmitrivich! Front and center."

Comrade Dmitrivich saluted and briskly marched to the front of the ranks, facing his commander.

"Comrade Dmitrivich! March to the edge of the cliff."

Dmitrivich saluted and briskly marched to the very edge of the cliff.

"Comrade Dmitrivich! Jump!"

Dmitrivich jumped off the cliff.

By some miracle, he is snagged on a branch and he lands on a crag some 50 feet below the top of the cliff. Dmitrivich is badly injured, but still alive and conscious. He is carried away on a stretcher.

As Dmitrivich is carried passed Private Jones, Jones cannot resist asking him:

"Dmitrivich! How could you do it? How could you jump?"

Dmitrivich answered: "I had to! I have a wife - and a family!"

# Try to Do This

An F-4 was flying escort with a B-52 and generally making a nuisance of himself by flying rolls around the lumbering old bomber. The message for the B-52 crew was, "Anything you can do, I can do better."

Not to be outdone, the bomber pilot announced that he would rise to the challenge. The B-52 continued its flight, straight and level, however. Perplexed, the fighter pilot asked, "So? What did you do?"

"We just shut down two engines."

# Down at the Docks

A guy and his manager go down to the docks. The manager is betting every longshoreman he sees that his guy can screw and satisfy 100 women in a row, without pausing. Bets are made and they agree that they'll meet the next day.

The next day, 100 women are lined up along the dock and the guy drops his pants and starts. True to his word, he moves from one to the next, satisfying each one without pausing: 1.. 2.. 3.. on and on he goes: 49.. 50.. 51.. He slows down somewhat: 83..... 84..... 85........ but he is still moving from one to the next and the women are still satisfied: 97............ 98............. 99................ and before he can get to the last woman he has a heart attack and dies.

The manager scratches his head and says, "I don't understand it! It went perfectly at practice this morning!"

# Marines and Sailors **

A little kid watched the drunk marine go into the bath room and as the marine was taking a leak the kid asked, "Are you really a marine?" The marine replied, "yes, do you want to wear my hat?" The kid said, "Oh yes," and the marine gave him his hat.

A minute later a sailor walked into the restroom and the kid said, "Are you really a sailor?" The sailor said, "Yeah... ya wanta suck my cock?" The kid pulled off his hat and said, "Oh no!! I'm not really a marine!"

_** Risque_

# The Ship's Log

The first mate was found to be drunk one day and that day it happened to be the captain's turn to write in the ship's log so he wrote :

The first mate was drunk today.

He begged and pleaded to the captain to remove that entry but the captain argued that once an entry was made in the company's log it couldn't be deleted. The first mate decided to get even.

The next time it when it was the first mate's turn to write in the log, he wrote:

The captain was sober today.

# The Plaid Condom

A Scotsman clad in a kilt walks up to the counter in an Apothecary. From his pocket he takes a plaid condom that has been heavily used, torn, patched, sewn, and is currently split down one side.

He asks the proprietor, "How much to replace this, Ian?"

The proprietor says, "Why, Angus, that'll be four pence."

Then the Scotsman asks, "How much to repair?"

The proprietor looks the condom over carefully, and says, "Three pence to repair."

The Scotsman ponders for a moment, then says, "I'll be back."

Later in the day, the Scotsman returns with a smile on his face and says, "Ian, the Regiment has voted to repair!"

# Marine Boot Camp *

Boot camp. Duluth, Minnesota. February. Six A.M. Six below zero.

The Sergeant bellows, "Outta those bunks! Birthday suit inspection! I want you assholes to fall in outside, NOW! Buck nekkid! Stand close enough to make the man in front of you smile! MOVE, YOU #@$$&*s!"

The barracks quickly empty, the men fall in and shiver at attention.

The Sergeant hollers, "LOOSEN RANKS!"

The ranks separate a bit. The Captain approaches, carrying a swagger stick. With the stick, he swats one of the men across the chest.

"Did that hurt, Mister?" the Captain demands.

"No, SIR!" the recruit shouts.

"Why not?" barks the Captain.

"Because I'm a U.S. Marine, SIR!"

The Captain nods, and moves on down the front rank a bit. He whacks another man across the butt.

"Did that hurt, Mister?"

"No, SIR!"

"Why not?"

"Because I'm a U.S. Marine, SIR!"

Satisfied, the Captain continues on down the rank. He notices that one of the men is sporting a huge erection, and brings his stick down sharply on the proffered target.

"Did that hurt, Mister?"

"No, SIR!"

"Why not?"

"Because it belongs to the fellow behind me, SIR!"

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# When I Get Home *

The reporter met the troop ship bring back demobilized soldiers after World War II. He wanted to write a human interest story, and asked one soldier, "What's the first thing you'll do when you get home?"

The soldier immediately replied, "Fuck my wife."

The reporter realized he'd never get that printed, and asked, "Oh. Well, what's the second thing?"

"Then I'll take off these Goddam filthy combat boots!"

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Fellow Veteran

A British army officer spotted a street bum at the bottom of the escalator of the London Underground. The bum had a sign which read: "VETERAN SOLDIER OF THE FALKLANDS WAR."

The officer thought, "Poor chap, I was there and it was awful!"

Feeling sorry for a fellow veteran, the officer took 20 pounds out of his wallet and gave it to the bum.

The officer was then greeted with a hearty: "Gracias, Senor!!"

# Vicarious Adventure

A company in the Foreign Legion had spend three years in the Sahara desert never having seen a woman. They finally decide to send one private on vacation to the nearest town to spend some time with a woman and tell them all about it. After a week the private comes back all happy and relaxed. The whole company crowds around him waiting to hear of his great escapades. "And on the third day..." he began,

"No! no! start with the first day!" everyone yells out in chorus.

"And on the third day, " the private continues, "she asked me to stop so she could go to the bathroom..."

# Watching Ships

Two Gays are standing on a bridge watching ships pass by underneath them.

One says to the other..."What kind of ship is that?"

"Container ship."

"OK, what''s that one over there?"

"Oil Tanker."

"How about that one?"

"That''s a ferry boat."

"Really? I knew we were strong, but I never knew we had our own NAVY!"

# White Knuckle Landing

There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked."

Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down.

"Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."

# Speak English Please

A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:

Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"

Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."

Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent):"Because you lost the bloody war."

# Frankfurt Ground Control

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them.

So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."

Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- and I didn't land."

# Scotch and Water

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, "I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today."

The bartender says "Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me."

As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, "I would like to buy you a drink, too."

The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water."

"Coming up," says the bartender. As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, "I would like to buy you one, too."

The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water."

"Coming right up," the bartender says. As he gives her the drink, he says, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?"

The old woman replies, "Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue."

# Royal Wedding Night **

As Camilla was making last-minute preparations to walk down the aisle, she found that her shoes were missing. She was forced to borrow her sister's, which were a bit on the small side.

When the day's festivities were finally over, Charles and Camilla retired to their room, right next door to the Queen's and Prince Philip's. As soon as Charles and Camilla were inside their room, Camilla flopped on the bed and said, "Darling, please get these shoes off. My feet are killing me."

The ever-obedient Prince of Wales attacked the right shoe with vigor, but it was stuck. "Harder!" Camilla yelled. "Harder!"

"I'm trying, darling!" The Prince yelled back. "It's just so bloody tight!"

"Come on! Give it all you've got!"

There was a big groan from the Prince, and then Camilla exclaimed, "There! That's it! Oh that feels good! Oh that feels SO good!"

In the bedroom next door, the Queen turned to Prince Philip and said, "See? I told you, with a face like that she was still a virgin."

Back in the bridal suite, Charles was trying to pry off the left shoe. "Oh, my God, darling! This one's even tighter!" exclaimed the heir to the throne.

At which Prince Philip turned to the Queen and said, "That's my boy - Once a Navy man, always a Navy man!"

_** Risque_

# I'm a Little Nervous *

A young sailor on liberty in a strange city. He hails down a cab and asks the cabbie to take him to a Brothel. On the way there the sailor confides in the cabbie that he has never done this before and is a little nervous about going to a brothel.

"Nothing to it." says the cabbie, it's a lot like bungie jumping.

"How is that?" Asks the young sailor.

"Well," says the cabbie, "it's expensive, it's very quick, it's very exciting, and if the rubber breaks, you're dead."

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# The Ship's Wheel *

A pirate walks into a bar with a peg leg, a parrot on his shoulder, and his dick sticking out of his pants with a ship's wheel around it.

The bartender says, "hey, you''ve got a ship's wheel on your dick."

The pirate says, "Arrrr, I know. It''s driving me nuts."

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Staten Island Ferry

Bob loved living in Staten Island, but he wasn't crazy about the ferry. Miss a ferry late at night, and you have to spend the next hour or so wandering the deserted streets of lower Manhattan.

So when he spotted a ferry no more than fifteen feet from the dock, he decided he wouldn't subject himself to an hour's wait. He made a running leap and landed on his hands and knees, a little bruised maybe, but safe on deck.

He got up, brushed himself off, and announced proudly to a bystander, "Well, I made that one, didn't I?'

"Sure did," the bystander said. "But you should have waited a minute or two. The ferry is just about to dock."

# Chapter 2

# Miscellaneous Jokes

#

Illustration by Terry Eade

None of the jokes in this chapter appear in other chapters. This category was created because the jokes included here did not allign with any of the other joke categories. So in the interest of making sure all of the jokes would be covered, this section was created. The illustration above was drawn by the author and is protected by copyright.

The jokes have been annotated by an asterisk (*) for those which have language or content you may find offensive, a double asterisk (**) for those which are risque, and a triple asterisk (***) for those which may not be suitable for mixed company. Those jokes without annotation are more suitable for general audiences and usually more appropriate for speaking engagements. Viewer discretion is recommended.

# Brain vs. Brawn

The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough.

"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."

"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got."

The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."

# Tales from the Big City **

Miss Annabell has just returned from her big trip to New York City and was having refreshments on the front porch of her daddy's mansion with her southern bell friends. She tells them the stories of her trip as they stare spellbound.

"You just wouldn't believe what they have there in New York City," says Miss Annabell. "They have men there who kiss other men on the lips."

Miss Annabell's friends fan themselves and say, "Oh my! Oh my!"

"They call them homosexuals," proclaims Miss Annabell.

"Oh my! Oh my," proclaim the girls as they fan themselves.

"They also have women there in New York City who kiss other women on the lips!"

"Oh my! Oh my," exclaim the girls. "What do they call them?" they asked.

"They call them lesbians," says Miss Annabell.

"They also have men who kiss women between the legs, there in New York City," sighs Miss Annabell.

"Oh my! Oh my! Oh my," exclaim the girls as the sit on the edge of their chairs and fan themselves even faster. "What do they call them?" they ask in unison.

Miss Annabell leans forward and says in a hush, "Why when I caught my breath, I called him 'Precious'!"

_** Risque_

# Hard to Please *

A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only". Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.

The Bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men here have it short and thin." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here have it long and thin." Still, this isn't good enough so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here have it short and thick."

They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here have it long and thick." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left.

Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor. There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman.

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Talking Clock

While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends late one night, the drunk led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong.

"What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked.

"Why, that's my talking clock," the man replied.

"How does it work?" asked one of his friends.

"Watch this," the man said, giving it an ear-shattering pound with a hammer.

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "Hey jerk! It's Two O'clock in the freaking morning!"

# Very Perceptive *

Goldie was sitting on a beach in Florida, attempting to strike up a conversation with the attractive gentleman reading on the blanket beside hers. "Hello, sir," she said, "Do you like movies?"

"Yes, I do," he responded, then returned to his book.

Goldie persisted. "Do you like gardening?"

The man again looked up from his book. "Yes, I do," he said politely before returning to his reading.

Undaunted, Goldie asked. "Do you like pussycats?"

With that, the man dropped his book and pounced on Goldie, ravaging her as she'd never been ravaged before.

As the cloud of sand began to settle, Goldie dragged herself to a sitting position and panted, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"

The man thought for a moment and replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Red Tomatoes

A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day while taking a stroll she came upon a gentlemen neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.

The woman asked the gentlemen, "What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?"

The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden and expose myself, and my tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."

Well, the woman was so impressed, she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she exposed herself to her garden hoping for the best.

One day the gentlemen was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, How did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"

"No" she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."

# Funny Smell

An Avon lady was alone in an elevator when she suddenly had to fart. She promptly reached into her bag and sprayed the air with her deodorizer.

Two floors later a gentleman got onto the elevator. He began to sniff.

The Avon lady asked, "Do you smell something?"

"Why, yes, I do," he replied.

"What does it smell like?"

"Hmmm, I'm not sure, but it kind of smells like someone shit a Christmas tree."

# New Suit

Ted was attracted to the huge sale sign in the window of the clothing store. The going out of business sale promised tremendous savings on men's suits. Ted found one suit that looked great and was assured by the salesman that it was a real bargain. After Ted tried on the suit he was disappointed that although the suit fit fine that the left side of the jacket was longer than the right.

"Look," said the salesman, "if you just raise your left shoulder a few inches higher than your right one the bottom of the jacket looks great. This is such a great looking suit that it is a small compensation to make."

So Ted bought the suit and walked down the street -- making sure to keep his left shoulder elevated by an extra three inches. A block or so away Ted ran into a friend who congratulated him on his new suit but also pointed out that the inseam on the right pants leg appeared to be longer than on the left leg. So Ted returned to the store with his suit.

"At this price we can't afford to do any tailoring," said the salesman, "but if you just pull up your right pants leg and press the top of your hand against your hip, it will keep the right cuff at the same level as your left cuff."

So Ted again left the clothing store with his new suit making sure to keep his left shoulder elevated and the top of his right hand pressing against the side of his right hip. Another of Ted's friends saw him and complemented him on his new suit but pointed out that the lapel on his jacked appeared to be a little to low on the left side. Again Ted returned to the clothing store.

"All we need to do to correct this minor flaw is to have you pull the left lapel down a bit and then press your left cheek agains the lapel to keep it in place," responded the salesman, "and it is such a good bargain it should be worth a little extra effort to look just right."

So again Ted left the clothing store with his new suit -- remembering to keep his left shoulder elevated, to keep the top of his right hand on his right hip, and to keep his left cheek pressed against the left lapel of his new suit. Two guys passing in a car noticed Ted crossing the street in front of them and one shook his head and said "look at that poor fellow -- I wonder what's wrong with him?"

"I don't know," says the other guy, "but isn't that a great looking suit."

# Blarney Stone

A group of Americans was touring Ireland. One of the women in the group was a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining. The bus seats are uncomfortable. The food is terrible. It's too hot. It's too cold. The accommodations are awful.

The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone.

"Good luck will be followin ya all your days if you kiss the Blarney Stone, "the guide said. "Unfortunately, it's being cleaned today and so no one will be able to kiss it. Perhaps we can come back tomorrow."

"We can't be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouted. "We have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can't kiss the stupid stone."

"Well now," the guide said, "it is said that if you kiss someone who has kissed the stone, you'll have the same good fortune."

"And I suppose you've kissed the stone," the woman scoffed.

"No, ma'am," the frustrated guide said, "but I've sat on it."

# The Good Samaritan

A man is driving down the road and notices a car in the ditch. He doesn't usually help many people so he drives on by. Then he notices that a pretty woman is the driver so he goes back to help.

As he is hooking his truck to her car he says, "You know, you are the first pregnant woman I've ever helped out of a ditch."

"But I'm not pregnant," she says.

"Well, you're not out of the ditch yet," he says

# Pretty Hitchhiker **

A guy was riding down the road when he saw a pretty young lady standing with her thumb out. The driver pulled over and offered her a ride. She got in, and they started driving.

"My name is June Hanson," she said

"My name is Gene Snow," he replied. They rode on for a while in silence.

"Why do you keep sizing me up?" she asked after a while.

"I was just wondering what it would be like to have eight inches of Snow in June."

_** Risque_

# Note on a String **

This guy is standing outside on his balcony on the 5th floor of his apartment when he spots this gorgeous babe sunbathing on the 3rd floor balcony wearing the skimpiest bathing suit he's ever seen.

He watches her for three days straight, and can't stand it any longer. He sends down a note on a piece of string: ''If you want me to make love to you please pull on the string once. If not please pull slowly 20 times and then faster another 10."

_** Risque_

# The Mini Bra

A very flat-chested woman finally decided she needed a bra and set out to the mall in search of one in her size. She entered an upscale department store and approached the saleslady in lingerie, "Do you have a size 28AAAA bra?"

The clerk haughtily replied in the negative, so she left the store and proceeded to another department store where she is rebuffed in much the same manner. After a third try at another department store in the mall, she had become disgusted. Leaving the mall, she drove to K-Mart.

Marching up to the sales clerk, she unbuttoned and threw open her blouse, yelling, "Do you have anything for this?"

The lady looked closely at her and replied, "Have you tried Clearasil?"

# Superman Scores *

One day, Superman was flying across the sky, and he notices Wonderwoman lying asleep, but STARK NAKED on a beach blanket. So.. he decided to go down & get some.

So after he had done the deed, he flew away.

Then Wonderwoman got up and said "What was THAT?"

And the invisible man said "I don't know... but my butt sure hurts."

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Bad Day at the Beach

A guy was walking along the beach admiring the beautiful sunset when he noticed a young lady laying in the sand, she had no arms and no legs and was crying.

He goes over and asked what was wrong. She said, "I am 21 years old, I have no legs and no arms and I have never been kissed".

So, he bends down and kisses her and she stops crying. He gets up to walk away and she starts to cry again.

Again, he asks her what is wrong.

She says, "I am 21 years old, I have no arms and no legs and I have never been screwed."

So, he goes over to her, picks her up and throws her in the water, and says - "there, now you're screwed"!

# Inventive Names *

This man goes along to the Patent Office with some of his new designs. He says to the clerk, "I'd like to register my new invention. It's a folding bottle."

"OK," says the clerk. "What do you call it?"

"A fottle, replies the inventor."

"A fottle? That's a stupid! Can't you think of something else?"

"I can think about it. I've got something else though. It's a folding carton."

"And what do you call that?" asks the clerk.

"A farton", replies the inventor.

"That's rude. You can't possibly call it that!"

"In that case," says the inventor... "You're really going to hate the name of my folding bucket."

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Budget Costume *

There was a guy who was struggling to decide what to wear to go to a fancy costume party. Then he had a bright idea.

When the host answered the door, he found the guy standing there with no shirt and no socks on... just a pair of pants.

"What the hell are you supposed to be?" asked the host.

"A premature ejaculation." said the man - "I just came in my pants!"

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Twisted Like a Corkscrew

Ed and Ted were standing at the urinals in a public lavatory when Ed glanced over and noticed that Ted's penis was twisted like a corkscrew.

"Blimey," Ed said. "I've never seen one like that before!"

"Like what?" Ted said.

"All twisted like a pigs tail" Ed said.

"Well what's yours like?" Ted said.

"Well straight like normal" Ed said.

"I thought mine was normal `til I saw yours" Ted said.

Ed finished what he was doing and started to give his old boy a shake down prior to putting it back in his pants.

"What did you do that for?" Ted said.

"Shaking off the excess drops" Ed said. "Like normal."

"Shit" Ted said. "And all these years I've been wringing it!"

# Through the Guardrail

The car sped off the highway, went through the guardrail, rolled down a cliff, bounced off a tree and finally shuddered to a stop.

A passing motorist, who had witnessed the entire accident, helped the miraculously unharmed driver out of the wreck.

"Good lord, mister," he gasped, "are you drunk?"

"Of course," said the man, brushing the dirt from his suit. "What the hell do you think I am...a stunt driver!"

# Simple Directions

A really huge muscular guy with a bad stutter goes to a counter in a dept. store and asks - "W-w-w-where`s the m-m-m-men`s dep-p-p-partment?"

The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing.

The man repeats himself: "W-w-w-where`s the m-m-m-men`s dep-p-p-partment?"

Again, the clerk doesn`t answer him.

The guy asks several more times: "W-w-w-where`s the m-m-m-men`s dep-p-p-partment?" And the clerk just seems to ignore him.

Finally, the guy is angry and storms off.

The customer who was waiting in line behind the guy asks the clerk, "why wouldn`t you answer that guy's question?"

The clerk answers, "D-d-d-do you th-th-th-think I w-w-w-want to get b-b-b-beat up?!!"

# The Jewelry Thief

A shoplifter was caught red-handed trying to steal a watch from an exclusive jewelry store.

"Listen," said the shoplifter, "I know you don't want any trouble either. What do you say I just buy the watch and we forget about this?"

The manager agreed and wrote up the sales slip.

The crook looked at the slip and said, "This is a little more than I intended to spend. Can you show me something less expensive?"

# Sleep Like a Baby

While the U.S. stock market was at an all time high, the ups and downs frightened a lot of small investors.

A guy went to his financial adviser at the bank and ask if he were worried.

He replied that he slept like a baby.

He was amazed and asked, "Really? Even with all the fluctuations?"

He said "Yes, that's right. Just like a baby...I sleep for a couple of hours, then wake up and cry for a couple of hours!"

# Turner Brown *

A man named Mike goes into an elevator, looks up and sees he is alone except for this great big huge guy standing next to him.

The big guy sees the little guy staring at him so he looks down and says, "7 feet tall, 350 lbs, 20inch penis, testicles 3 lbs each, Turner Brown."

Mike just faints dead away and falls to the floor. The big dude kneels down and brings him to, byslapping his face and shaking him. He asks, Are you ok??"

In a very weak voice Mike says, "Excuse me, but what did you just say to me?"

The big dude says, "When I saw the curious look on your face, I just figured I'd give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet tall, weigh 350 lbs, have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 lbs each, and my name is Turner Brown.

Mike said, "Oh Thank God!!! I thought you said 'Turn Around.'"

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Picking Out a Costume

A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and leg, so he goes into a local costume rental shop and explains the problem to the clerk.

The clerk disappears into the back room, comes back with a pirate's outfit and says: "The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate."

"The pirate costume is a terrible idea," says the man, "it emphasizes my wooden leg. You'll have to come up with something better, if you want my business."

So again the clerk goes into the back room, comes back with a monk's habit and says: "The long robe will cover your wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part.

"The monk costume is even a worse idea than the pirate costume," complains the man, "Now you have gone from emphasizing my wooden leg to emphasizing my bald head. I'll give you one more chance to come up with a solution, then I'm taking my business somewhere else.

The clerk is really steamed now and knows he will never be able to satisfy this guy, so goes into the back room, comes back with a large bottle of molasses, sets it on the counter and says nothing.

"What kind of a costume is this supposed to be?" complains the man.

"I suggest," says the clerk, "that you pour the molasses over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go to the costume party as a caramel apple."

# Ordering a Pizza

Operator: "Thank you for calling Pizza Hut. May I have your national ID number?"

Customer: "Hi, I'd like to place an order."

Operator: "May I have your NIDN first, sir?"

Customer: "My National ID Number, yeah, hold on, eh, it's 6102049998-45-54610."

Operator: "Thank you, Mr. Sheehan. I see you live at 1742 Meadowland Drive, and the phone number's 494-2366. Your office number over at Lincoln Insurance is 745-2302, and your cell number's 266-2566. Which number are you calling from, sir?"

Customer: "Huh? I'm at home. Where d'ya get all this information?"

Operator: "We're wired into the system, sir."

Customer: (Sighs) "Oh, well, I'd like to order a couple of your All-Meat Special pizzas."

Operator: "I don't think that's a good idea, sir."

Customer: "Whaddya mean?"

Operator: "Sir, your medical records indicate that you've got very high blood pressure and extremely high cholesterol. Your National Health Care provider won't allow such an unhealthy choice."

Customer: "Damn. What do you recommend, then?"

Operator: "You might try our low-fat Soybean Pizza. I'm sure you'll like it."

Customer: "What makes you think I'd like something like that?"

Operator: "Well, you checked out 'Gourmet Soybean Recipes' from your local library last week, sir. That's why I made the suggestion."

Customer: "All right, all right . Give me two family-sized ones, then."

Operator: "That should be plenty for you, your wife and your four kids, sir. Your total is $49.99."

Customer: "Lemme give you my credit card number."

Operator: "I'm sorry sir, but I'm afraid you'll have to pay in cash. Your credit card balance is over its limit."

Customer: "I'll run over to the ATM and get some cash before your driver gets here."

Operator: "That won't work either, sir. Your checking account's overdrawn."

Customer: "Never mind. Just send the pizzas. I'll have the cash ready. How long will it take?"

Operator: "We're running a little behind, sir. It'll be about 45 minutes, sir. If you're in a hurry you might want to pick 'em up while you're out getting the cash, but carrying pizzas on a motorcycle can be a little awkward."

Customer: "How the hell do you know I'm riding a bike?"

Operator: "It says here you're in arrears on your car payments, so your car got repo'ed. But your Harley's paid up.

Customer: "@#%/$@&?#!&?#!"

Operator: "I'd advise watching your language, sir. You've already got a July 2004 conviction for cussing out a cop."

Customer: (Speechless)

Operator: "Will there be anything else, sir?"

Customer: "Yes, I have a coupon for a free 2 liter of Coke."

Operator: "I'm sorry sir, but our ad's exclusionary clause prevents us from offering free soda to diabetics."

# Embroidered Panties

Once upon a time, there was a woman working at a lingerie counter, and a customer came to the counter with a pair of frilly panties and said she'd like to buy them, adding, "but only of you can embroider `If you can read this, you're too close.' on the back."

So, the saleswoman took the panties to the tailor in back, and described the rather unusual request.

The tailor said, "Well, she sounds like a stick in the mud, but I can do that. Does she want block letters or script?"

Since the saleswoman didn't know, she went back around to the counter, and asked, "do you want that in block letters or script?"

The customer replied, with a smile, "Braille."

# The Watchful Watchman

A good looking chick walked into an orchard and found a lovely pool in it, and decided to swim. She looked around, didn't see anyone, and undressed. Just as she was about to dive in, the watchman appeared from behind the bush where he was hiding all along and told her that swimming was prohibited.

"You could have told me that before I undressed!" she scolded him.

"Hey! Only swimming is prohibited, undressing isn't," he replied.

# This is My Car

A tourist is visiting New York City when his car breaks down. He jumps out and starts fiddling under the hood. About five minutes later, he hears some thumping sounds and looks around to see someone taking stuff out of his trunk!

He runs around and yells, "Hey, bud, this is my car!"

"OK," the man says, "You take the front and I'll take the back."

# Is That a Record? *

In the good old days of the golden oldies, most records were sold on the Decca label.

Henry Busse had a hot hit titled, "Hot Lips." A lady heard the record on the radio and decided that she just had to have it. She looked up the number for the record shop and called them.

Unfortunately, she misdialed and, instead of reaching the record store, she got Hank's Auto Body.

She said, "Do you have "Hot Lips' on a ten-inch Decca?"

Hank, who had answered the phone himself, said, "Well, uh, ma'am, no, but I do have hot nuts under a ten-inch pecker!"

A slight pause.

The lady said, "Is that a record?"

"I don't know, ma'am, but it's a damned good average."

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Who is the Guy?

After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter.

Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.

"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied.

He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man.

Naturally, the guy began to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.

"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.

"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.

"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.

Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the operation."

# Dragging Your Feet

Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are dragging their right foot as they walk.

As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points to his foot and says, Vietnam, 1969."

The other points his thumb behind him and says, "Dog crap, 20 feet back." 

# Beer Contains Female Hormones

Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.

The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women.

To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each.

It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong.

No further testing is planned.

# On the Wrong Road **

Two sperm are swimming in a women''s body.

One sperm says to the other in exhaustion, "Whew, Just how far is the uterus anyway?"

The second sperm begins to laugh and says, " The uterus, I think were on the wrong road, we just past the esophogus."

_** Risque_

# Forgetfull Actor **

There was once a great actor who could no longer remember his lines. After many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again.

The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You walk on to the stage at the opening carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff the rose deeply and then say theline 'Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.'"

The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play he's practicing his line over and over again.

Finally, the time came. The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and using just one finger he delivered the line, "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress."

The theatre erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter and the director was steaming!

"You bloody fool!" he cried, "You have ruined me!"

The actor was bewildered, "What happened, did I forget my line?"

"No!" screamed the director. "You forgot the rose!"

_** Risque_

# Surplus Disposal

Four guys were on a cross-country road trip together. They were from Idaho, Iowa, New York, and Florida.

The car had been enroute for about two hours when the man from Idaho rolled down his window and began tossing potatoes from a bag he had with him out of the car.

The guy from Florida said, "What the heck are you doing?"

"We have way too many potatoes in Idaho," he replied, "and this is a great way to get rid of some!"

After another hour passed, the Iowan rolled down his window, opened his duffel bag, and began tossing out ears of corn.

The Floridian said, "Now what the heck are you doing?"

To which the Iowan replied, "Well, we have far too much corn in Iowa, so I figured this would be a great opportunity to get rid of some of it!"

About two hours later, the Floridian rolled down his window and tossed out the guy from New York.

# Chapter 3

# Motorcycle & Biker Jokes

#

Illustration by Terry Eade

Some of the jokes in this chapter may appear in other chapters. For example a joke about a biker in a drugstore will appear here and in the Drugstore & Pharmacy Jokes section. However, the jokes will have the same title in both chapters. The illustration above was drawn by the author and is protected by copyright.

The jokes have been annotated by an asterisk (*) for those which have language or content you may find offensive, a double asterisk (**) for those which are risque, and a triple asterisk (***) for those which may not be suitable for mixed company. Those jokes without annotation are more suitable for general audiences and usually more appropriate for speaking engagements. Viewer discretion is recommended.

# Biker Bullies

A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three Hell's Angels bikers walked in.

The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie and then took a seat at the counter.

The second walked up to the old man, spit into the old man's milk and then he took a seat at the counter.

The third walked up to the old man, turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.

Without a muttering word of protest, the old man gets up from his seat and quietly leaves the diner.

Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he!"

And the waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either. He just backed his truck over three motorcycles!"

# Rural First Aid

There were two guys riding down the road on a motorcycle. The driver was wearing a leather jacket that had a broken zipper. He finally stopped the bike and told the other guy, "I can't drive anymore with the air hitting me in my chest."

But then he decided to put the coat on backwards to block the air from hitting him. They continued driving down the road and came around a bend in the road, lost control and wrecked.

A nearby farmer called the police and reported the accident. The police asked him, "are they showing any sign of life?"

"Well," the farmer said, "the driver was until I turned his head around the right way!

# Old Biker Chick

A little old lady wanted to join a biker club. She knocked on the door of a local biker club and a big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers the door. She proclaims "I want to join your biker club".

The guy was amused and told her that she needed to meet certain biker requirements before she was allowed to join. So the biker asks her "You have a bike?"

The little old lady says "Yea, that's my Harley over there" and points to a Harley parked in the driveway.

The biker asks her "Do you smoke?"

The little old lady says "Yea, I smoke. I smoke 4 packs of cigarettes a day and a couple of cigars while I'm shooting pool".

The biker is impressed and asks "Well, have you ever been picked up by the Fuzz?".

The little old lady says "No, I've never been picked up by the fuzz, but I've been swung around by my nipples".

# The Border Guard

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his motorcycle. He's got two large saddle bags over the back of the motorcycle. The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?"

"Sand," answered Juan.

The guard says, "We'll just see about that. Get off the bike." The guard takes the bags, empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags.

The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into the saddle bags, hefts them onto the back of the motorcycle, and lets him cross the border.

The next day, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?"

"Sand," says Juan.

The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his motorcycle.

This sequence of events is repeated every day for three years. Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard finds him in a Cantina in Mexico.

"Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about..... I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"

Juan sips his beer and says, "motorcycles."

# Wild Thing

The old man's regular barber had retired and so he had gone to one of the new chain, unisex hair styling salons to get his regular conservative haircut. Not only did they not have any of his favorite sports or car magazines, but most of the clientile were women and younger folks.

As the old man was sitting uncomfortably in the waiting area, reading a People Magazine, a young man pulled up outside in a custom chopper with loud pipes. After the young guy had parked his bike and taken off his leathers he walked in and sat down. The young guy had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, blue, and yellow.

The old man just stared.

The young man said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"

Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son."

# Don't Say a Word *

Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price, but its missing a seal, so whenever it rains he has to smear vaseline over the spot where the seal should be. Anyway, his girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents. He drives his new bike to her house, where she is outside waiting for him.

"No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word," She tells him, "Our family had a fight a while ago about doing dishes. We haven't done any since, but the first person to speak at dinner has to do them."

Steve sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is saying a word. So Steve decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend throws her on the table and drills her in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

A few minutes later he grabs her mom throws her on the table and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and her mother a little happier. But still there is complete silence at the table.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Steve remembers his motorcycle. He jumps up and grabs his jar of vaseline. Upon witnessing this, his girlfriend's father backs away from the table and screams, "Okay, enough already. I'll do the fucking dishes!!"

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Crazy Cyclist

A man decided that he was going to ride a moped from Phoenix to Flagstaff. He got as far as Black Canyon City before the mountains just became too steep for the small engine.

He stuck his thumb out, but after 3 hours hadn't gotten a single person to stop. Finally, a guy in a Corvette pulled over and offered him a ride. Of course, the moped wouldn't fit in the car. The owner of the Corvette found a piece of rope lying by the highway and tied it to his bumper. He tied the other end to the moped and told the man that if he was going too fast, to honk the horn on his moped and that he would slow down.

Everything went fine for the first 30 miles. Suddenly, another Corvette blew past them. Not to be outdone, the Corvette pulling the bike took off after the other. A short distance down the road the Corvettes, both going well over 120 mph, blew through a speed trap.

The police officer noted the speeds from his radar gun and radioed to the other officer that he had two Corvettes headed his way at over 120 mph. He then relayed, "...and you're not going to believe this, but there's guy on a moped honking to pass."

# Ferocious Dog

A very timid little man ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, "...ah, err, which of you gentlemen owns the doberman tied outside to the parking meter?"

A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly on his stool, looked down at the quivering little man and said, "It's my dog. Why?"

"Well," squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous, "I believe my dog just killed it, sir."

"What?" roared the big man in disbelief. "What in hell kind of dog do you have?"

"Sir," answered the little man, "It's a chihuahua."

"Liar!" roared the biker, "How could your chihuahua kill my doberman?"

"It appears that your dog choked on it, sir."

# Too Drunk to Drive

One night a police officer was staking out this particularly rowdy biker bar for possible violations of the "Driving-Under-The-Influence Laws".

At closing time, he sees a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys on six different motorcycles before finding the right one. Once he has found the right bike he spends ten minutes putting on his jacket, helmet, and gloves. Then sits on seat, fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.

Everyone else left the bar and drove off. Finally he starts the engine and begins to pull away.

The police officer waiting for him, stops the biker, reads him his rights and administers the breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0.

The puzzled officer demands to know how this could be possible.

The biker replies, "well, tonight I'm the DESIGNATED DECOY!

# Insulting Customer *

A large, mean looking biker pulls up in front of a bar and revs the loud pipes on his Harley a couple of times before he turns off the engine and walks into the bar. He gives everyone in the bar a dirty look and then orders a beer. After he chugs down the beer he says, "All the guys on this side of the bar are cocksuckers! Anyone got a problem with that?"

Everyone is understandably silent.

He, then, chugs back another beer and says, "All the guys on the other side of the bar are motherfuckers! Anyone got a problem with that?"

Everyone is silent, again.

Then a small well dressed guy gets up from his stool and starts to walk toward the man.

"You got a problem, buddy?"

"No," says the little guy with a twinkle in his eye," I just realized that I was on the wrong side of the bar!"

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Get Out of the Pool

A group of bikers have been riding all day in the hot Arizona sun and finally pull into a hotel in Phoenix. As soon as they have parked their bikes and had a few beers, they put on their bathing suits and hit the pool. After twenty minutes in the pool, the lifeguard pulls one of the bikers aside.

"You and your buddies will have to get out of the pool now," says the lifeguard.

"Why ," says the biker, "What did we do?"

"I've been watching you guys," says the lifegurard. "You've all been peeing in the pool."

"We've drunk a lot of beer," says the biker, "besides everyone pees in the pool."

"Not from the diving board they don't," says the lifeguard.

# The Biker Gang

A guy arrives at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted. St. Peter is leafing through the Big Book to see if the guy is worthy of entering. After several minutes, St. Peter closes the book, furrows his brow, and says,"I don''t really see that you ever really did anything great in your life, but I don''t see anything really bad either."

Tell you what," St. Peter says. "If you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, I''ll let you in."

The guy thinks for a moment and says, "OK, well there was this one time when Iwas driving down the highway and I saw a group of bikers assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down, and sure enough, there they were, about 50 of them torturing this woman. Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, the bikers formed a circle around me.

The leader of the gang was a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. So I walked straight up to him and hit him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, 'Leave this poor, innocent girl alone! You''re all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I really teach you all a lesson in pain!'"

St. Peter, duly impressed, says "Wow! When did this happen?"

"About ten minutes ago."

# Hog Heaven

Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, dies and goes to heaven. At the gates, an angel tells Davidson, "Well, you've been such a good guy and your motorcycles have changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you want to in Heaven." Davidson thinks about it and says, "I wanna hang out with God, Himself."

The befeathered fellow at the gates takes Arthur to the Throne Room and introduces him to God. Arthur then asks God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of Woman?" God says, "Ah, yes." "Well," says Davidson, "You have some major design flaws in your invention: One, there's too much front-end protrusion Two, it chatters at high speeds. Three, the rear end wobbles too much. Four, the intake is placed too close to the exhaust."

"Hmmm..." replies God, "hold on." God goes to the Celestial Supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the result. The computer prints out a slip of paper and God reads it. "It may be that my invention is flawed," God tells Arthur Davidson, "but according to My Computer, more guys are riding my invention than yours."

# Anniversary Presents *

Three men, a doctor, a lawyer, and a biker were sitting in a bar talking over a few drinks.

After a sip of his Martini, the doctor said, "You know, tomorrow is my anniversary. I bought my wife a diamond ring and a new Mercedes. I figure if she doesn't like the diamond ring, then at least she will like the Mercedes, and she will know that I love her."

After finishing his scotch, the lawyer said, "Well, on my last anniversary, I bought my wife a string of pearls and a trip to the Bahamas. I figured if she didn't like the pearls, then at least she would have enjoyed the trip, and she would have known that I loved her."

The biker then took a big swig from his beer, and said, "Yeah, well for my anniversary, I got my old lady a t-shirt and a vibrator. I figured if she didn't like the t-shirt, then she could go fuck herself."

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Don't Like Bohemians *

A biker thinking he's a tough guy goes into a saloon and siting at the bar in a loud voice makes the following announcement: "Show me a Bohemian and I'll show you a son of a bitch."

A very large man walks up to him, looks him in the eye and says, "I'm a Bohemian."

The biker looks the guy over and says, "Well, I'll be a son of a bitch."

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Watch Your Language *

A biker from Texas had gone on a ride to visit some friends in Boston. He was supposed to meet his friends at an up-scale bar where some local college kids also happened to hang out. When he pulled in, he had been on the road for a while and needed to use the restroom.

He noticed his friends had not arrived yet, so he asked one of the customers, "Hey buddy, where is the bathroom at?"

The customer sneered and said, "Here at Harvard, we don't end our sentences in prepositions."

The biker looked at the guy in the sweater vest and said, "Okay. Let me rephrase. Where is the bathroom at, asshole?"

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Biker with a Hangover

Badass Biker Bob wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.

He sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Bob looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you."

So he goes to the kitchen, and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.

Bob asks, "Son, what happened last night?"

His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious, broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."

Confused, Badass Bob asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, "Lady, leave me alone, I'm married'!"

# The Motorcycle Mechanic

A successful gynecologist decides to fulfill his life's dream: give up medical practice and become a motorcycle mechanic.

So he gets out of the medical business and enrolls at a mechanic's seminar with Harley Davidson.

After many weeks of training comes the final examination, taking apart and then re-assembling a randomly chosen Harley engine.

He grabs his tools and sets to work, but soon he gets worried: while he is still working on the valve-covers, everybody else is already busy with removing the cylinder heads.

He falls more and more behind, and as he is just starting to put it all back together, everybody else is already finished.

He manages to put the engine back together, barely in time before the exam ends.

Because it took him so much longer than everybody else, he goes straight to the teacher to ask how he performed.

"Well," the teacher says, "out of one hundred possible points you scored 150." "But how is that possible?" the ex-gynecologist asks.

"Well, it breaks down to this: You get fifty points for correctly taking the engine apart. And you get another fifty points for putting it back together perfectly." "And what did I get those additional fifty points for?"

"For doing it all through the exhaust."

# That's My Story

Biker rolling through town on his custom, fastest bike in town. He's going around a bend when he rolls up on a cop. The blue lights come on and out rolls the cop. The biker thinks, "He'll never catch me in that car" and takes off. Several miles later the cop is still behind him as he pulls over.

The cop walks up to the biker and asks for his license. Then the cop says, "OK. I've had a crappy day, and I'm ready to head home. Come up with a good excuse for speeding away from me and I'll let you go."

The biker looks at the cop and replies, "The old lady left me last week for a cop. I was afraid it was you and you were trying to bring her back."

Cop hands him his license and tells him to have a nice ride home.

# Southern Biker

A Southern biker was visiting a Yankee relative in Boston over the holidays. He went to a large party and met a pretty co-ed. He was attempting to start up a conversation with the line, "Where does you go to school?"

The coed, of course, was not overly impressed with his grammar or southern drawl, but did answer his question. "Yale," she replied.

The biker took a big, deep breath and shouted, "WHERE DOES YOU GO TO SCHOOL?"

# Best Motorcycles Made

This big bad drunk biker with a big Harley Davison tattoo on his arm was at a big rally. He walks up to a dude on a Kawasaki and knocks him over then asks him, "Who makes the best bikes?" ... the Kawasaki dude says, "Harley....sir."

Then he walks up to a guy polishing his Suzuki, twists his arm and asks, "Who makes the best bikes?"... The Suzuki guy cries, "Harley of course."

He then staggers up to a rider standing by his Honda and yells in his face, "Who makes the best bikes?" The Honda rider flips the drunk biker then kicks him in the gut. After that he knocks his teeth out.

The drunk biker gradually gets to his knees and says to the Honda rider, "You don't have to get so pissed off just because you don't know the answer!"

# Are You Ready to Go?

A biker's greatest achievement was his brood of six kids. He was so proud that he continually called his wife: Mother of Six, which pissed her off a lot. But he kept referring to her as Mother of Six no matter where they went.

At the end of a poker run, he shouted across the bar, "Hey, Mother of Six, you ready to go home?"

His irritated wife screamed back: "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"

# I Need a Wrench

An old timer was riding down a desolate highway when his Harley broke down. Soon a fellow on a BMW pulled up next to him.

"Is there anything I can help with?" the Beemer man asks.

"Yeah, could I borrow a wrench?" the Harley rider asks.

"Of course. What type and size do you need?" Beemer man asks, opening a sizeable tool kit.

"Don't matter a bit to me. I'm gonna use it fer a hammer anyway."

# Very Expensive Hotel

A biker and his wife are traveling on their Harleys from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and decided to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350.

The biker explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350. When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the biker insists on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to the biker and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use.

"But we didn't use them," the biker complains. "Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager.

He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says. "But we didn't go to any of those shows," complains the biker again.

"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replies. No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the biker replies, "But we didn't use it!"

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the biker gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager. The manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir," he says, "this check is only made out for $100."

"That's right," says the biker. "I charged you $250 for sleeping with my wife."

"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.

"Well," the biker replied, "she was here, and you could have!"

# Just Rewards

Recently killed by separate left-turning cages, Trog, Grody, and Animal were waiting for entrance into Heaven. St. Peter walked up to Trog and asked, "How many times did you cheat on your wife, and remember, I will know the truth." Trog thought for a moment and replied, "Well, sir, it must be around 40 times." "Fine," said St. Peter, "you may enter Heaven but you will be riding that little green Suzuki over there."

St. Peter approached Grody and asked the same question. Grody answered, "Sir, I do believe it couldn't have been more than 20 times. "Good," said St. Peter, "you may enter Heaven, also, and you will be riding the red 600 Kawasaki.

St. Peter stepped up to Animal and repeated the question. Without pause, Animal answered, "Never!" St. Peter peered at him quizzically and said, "Never?" "I have never been unfaithful to my wife, sir" he replied. "Excellent," stated St. Peter. "You may enter Heaven and you will be riding that gold-chromed custom Road King over there."

Grinning from ear to ear, Animal approaches the bike, but when he reaches the exquisite showpiece, he suddenly lays his head on the tank and begins to cry. St. Peter rushes over and asks, "What's the matter?

You have never cheated on you wife, you've gained entrance into Heaven, and you will be riding the bike of your dreams, with no breakdowns, for the rest of eternity." Animal replied between sobs, "See that woman over there on the old beat-up Vespa? That's my wife!"

# Just Like Heart Surgery

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley, when he spotted a world-famous heart surgeon in his shop. The heart surgeon was waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike.

The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc can I ask you a question?"

The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I also can open hearts, take valves out, fix'em, put in new parts and when I finish this will work just like a new one. So how come I get a pittance and you get the really big money, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic: "Try doing it with the engine running!"

# Accident Explanation

This Biker gets a job as an apprentice brick layer. The first day on the job he gets into an accident and the boss tells him in order to collect workman's comp. he's gonna have to fill out a better explanation to account for the cause of the accident. The following report was filed.

Guys With My Check:

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I had put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient: Understand I'm just a dumb ol' Biker tryin' to learn.

On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six story building. When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks. You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 265 lbs.

Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collarbone, as listed in Section 3 of the Accident Report Form.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight.

As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body. Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope. Then I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs.

I hope this sufficiently answers your inquiry about the "Bad Planning" part of my report. If you need any further information I'll be at Kelly's Bar at 143rd and 22nd, putting a sizeable dent in my first disability check.

"Flathead" Ed

# Really Ugly Baby

A woman holding a baby gets on a bus. The bus driver looks at them and says, "Damn, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!" In a huff the woman slams her money into the farebox and goes to the rear of the bus.

The biker seated next to her sees she's agitated and asks what's wrong. "The bus driver insulted me!" she fumes.

"HEY! That's freakin' outrageous!" says the biker. "He's a public servant and shouldn't be insulting passengers, want me to go dot his eye for ya'?"

"No thank you, and you're right!" the woman says. "I think I'll go up there and give him a piece of my mind!"

"That's a good idea lady," says the biker. "I'll hold your monkey."

# Biker in Heaven

A biker riding home from the watering hole bites the dirt and goes to meet his maker. The Almighty welcomes him with open arms but asks him for his opinion of His greatest creation... woman.

The biker thinks for a minute and responds, "Oh, she's wonderful. But let me ask you something. Why'd you make her so pretty?"

"Oh, I did that so you'd like her."

"And why'd you make her so sexy?"

"I did that so you'd like her too."

"Well then, why'd you make her so damn stupid?"

"OH, I did THAT so she'd like YOU!"

# Ladies Day

Phil has been driving his Motorcycle across the Arizona desert all morning and is getting hot and hungry. He notices a sign on the highway advertising a new Indian casino just five miles up the road. Phil thinks this would be a great place to get off the bike and have some lunch. Also he rationalized, that since he has plenty of time, and it is so hot at this time of day, he could sit in the air conditioned card room for a few hours and play some poker. Then when the sun has gone down a little he could hop back on his bike and have a cool ride the rest of the way to Phoenix.

After a quick lunch in the casino restaraunt, Phil wanders into the poker room and notices that the room is filled with women. Phil asks the floor man what is going on.

"Oh you must be new here", says the floor man, "today is ladies day here at the casino."

"You mean I can't play poker here today?" Asks Phil in a disappointed tone.

"Well there's no reason you can't play," says the floor man, "as long as you are willing to play by the ladies day rules. "

"What are the ladies day rules and how are they different from your regular poker room rules?" asks Phil."

"There are three major departures from our regular rules," says the floor man. "The first difference is the chips and the table. Normally we play with white, red, and green chips with the casino logo on them. However, on ladies day the chips are ecru, mauve, and lime with a tasteful white wedgewood cameo in the middle. Then we put a nice lace table cloth over the green felt table and top it off with an attractive floral centerpiece."

"That's not a big problem" says Phil, "I can handle that -- what else?"

The second change," says the floor man, are the stakes. Instead of our normal $4 - $8 stakes, on ladies day the bets are $3.99 and $7.98. Also if you have clipped out the coupon from the local shopping news you can get a two for one bet."

"That's a little weird," says Phil, "but I guess I can handle that too. What is the third difference?"

"The third difference is in the dealing." says the floorman, "on ladies day we use the sale table method to distribure the cards to the players."

"What is the sale table method?" groans Phil.

"Well," says the floor man, "Instead of shuffling the cards and dealing them to the players, we turn the cards face down on the table mix them all up and then put a sign up that says 'Sale Table - half price'. That is the signal for all the women to crowd around the table and pick through the cards until they get five they like."

"Then the best hand wins?" asks Phil, wondering when the game starts to resemble poker.

"No, actually the group decides who the winner is based on the value of the poker hand, the players hairdo & personal grooming, and the attractiveness of the players outfit & accessories. With your dirty jeans, leather vest, and motorcycle boots, I'm afraid you won't do very well today."

"I guess you don't get many men playing on ladies day," says Phil.

"Not too many bikers," says the floor man, "but we do have an interior decorator named Lawerence and a hair dresser named Mr. Bruce, who seem to do quite well week after week."

# Furry Fury

Bob had just picked up his new motorcycle from the dealer and was on his way home. After several miles on the freeway, Bob decided to take an exit and drive through some of the quiet scenic neighborhoods in that section of the city. The street he selected was through a quiet residential area with large homes, manicured lawns, and stately oak trees along the edge of the street.

As he passed an oncoming car, a brown furry missile shot out from under it and tumbled to a stop immediately in front of him. It was a squirrel, and must have been trying to run across the road when it encountered the car. Although Bob was not going very fast, there was no time to brake or avoid the poor animal.

Inches before impact, the squirrel flipped to his feet. He was standing on his hind legs and facing Bob's oncoming motorcycle with steadfast resolve in his beady little eyes. His mouth opened, and at the last possible second, he screamed and leapt! Snarling, hissing, and tearing at Bob's clothes, he was a frenzy of activity. Since Bob was dressed only in a light T-shirt, summer riding gloves, and jeans the furry little tornado was doing some damage!

Bob grabbed for the squirrel with his left hand. After a few misses, he finally managed to snag his tail. With all his strength, he flung the evil rodent off to the left of the bike, almost running into the right curb as he recoiled from the throw. Somehow the squirrel caught Bob's gloved finger with one of his little hands and, with the force of the throw, swung around and with a resounding thump and an amazing impact, he landed squarely on Bob's back and resumed his attack. He also managed to take Bob's left glove with him!

The combination of the force of the throw, only having one hand (the throttle hand) on the handlebars, and jerking back unfortunately put a healthy twist through his right hand and into the throttle. The engine roared and the front wheel left the pavement. The squirrel screamed in anger, the motorcycle screamed in ecstasy, and Bob screamed in .. well .. he just plain screamed.

With the sudden acceleration Bob was forced to put his other hand back on the handlebars and try to get control of the bike. About this time the squirrel decided to take advantage of Bob's distraction with driving and he came around Bob's neck and got inside his full face helmet and began hissing in Bob's face. After some screaming and swerving, Bob managed to grab the squirrel's tail, pulled him out of the helmet, and slung him to the left as hard as he could.

Unfortunately, a cop and his partner had pulled their patrol car off on this quiet residential street and parked with their windows down to do some paperwork. By the time Bob managed to get the motorcycle under control and dropped the front wheel to the ground he realized that he had thrown the angry squirrel through the open window of the patrol car.

The two cops did not seem interested in Bob or concerned about his erratic driving at the moment. The doors on both sides of the patrol car were flung wide open. The cop from the passenger side was on his back, doing a crab walk into somebody's front yard, quickly moving away from the car.

The cop who had been in the driver's seat was standing in the street, aiming a riot shotgun at his own police car. Bob could clearly see shredded and flying pieces of foam and upholstery from the back seat. He also thought he saw the squirrel in the back window, shaking his little fist at him. But it was not his problem anymore, so he would just let the professionals handle the situation.

While the police were totally occupied with the squirrel, Bob thought he would take advantage of the distraction. He took a deep breath, turned on his turn-signal, made a gentle right turn off the tree lined street, and sedately left the neighborhood. He decided it was best to just buy myself a new pair of gloves ........ and a whole lot of Band-Aids.

# Official Harley Gear

A couple of Valkryie riders were stopped at a 7-11 to get a cold drink when a van plastered with Harley® stickers pulled up next to them.

The driver climbed out fully decked out in Harley® t-shirt, belt buckle and bandana and proceeded to give them a dirty look. Next, his 'ol lady hopped out, of course fully decked in Harley® gear. Then the side door opened and 5 kids jumped out all wearing Harley® t-shirts as well.

One of the riders leaned over and said to his buddy, "Hey, I didn't know Harley® made condoms too."

# Three Dead Bikers

Three bikers, Jim, Sam, and Rick, were all killed in a motorcycle accident when they were hit by a freight train. When they got to the pearly gates of heaven they met St. Peter, who said they would each have to pass a test before they could enter heaven. The good news was that it was just a one word spelling test.

Jim said that he would be willing to take the test first and, that since he was pretty good at spelling in school, that maybe Sam and Rick could learn something from him. The trick is, he proudly announced to his friends, to spell by sounding out the letters of the word you are trying to spell.

This was ok with Sam and Rick so Jim told St. Peter he would go ahead and take the test first. St. Peter told Jim to spell GOD. Sam and Rick smiled smugly. In sounding out the word Jim muttered "gu, gu, gu, Capital G, eu, eu, eu, O, du, du, du, D, God." St. Peter said "that's good Jim, you can now enter heaven and once you are there you will receive a brand new red Suzuki Bandit. Not only that, you will receive a new one each year for all eternity to ride the golden streets of heaven all you want."

Sam steps up after St. Peter lets Jim into heaven. Sam was feeling pretty confident. St. Peter tells Sam to spell LOVE. Sam says "L-O-V-E, love" St. Peter says "that's good Sam, you may now enter the gates of Heaven." He says, "on the other side of the gate you will find a brand new 2006 Harley Road King Classic. It will have 1-1/2 inch diameter beach bars and all the brand new Kuriakan accessories you can ever want. Not only that, but you will get a new one every year." This was made Sam very happy as Rick smiled self-confidently as he got ready to step up to St. Peter.

After Sam entered heaven, Rick didn't notice that St. Peter was kind of eyeing him funny like, and St. Peter excused himself for a few minutes as he went over to read in his journal about Rick. Rick was wondering self-confidently what kind of bike would be waiting for him in Heaven. St. Peter came back and he wasn't smiling, as he tells Rick, "O.K. Rick, spell ALBUQUERQUE."

# A Very Scary Ride

Mike and Butch are having a beer at their favorite biker bar.

"I see you drove your truck tonight", says Mike, "is your Harley in the shop again?"

"Nope," says Butch, "I'm giving the bike a rest. You see I had a very scary ride last night and I'm building up my courage before I can get back on the bike."

"Sounds serious," says Mike, "what happened?"

"Well," says Butch, "I had a little too much to drink last night and I blacked out for a minute. When I came to I was riding on my motorcycle. On my left was a red sports car and on my right was a fire engine; both were traveling at the same speed as I was. In front of me was a police car I could not overtake. A helicopter, flying at ground level, was maintaining a constant distance behind me. I knew I had to do something, but I couldn't figure out what to do to extricate myrself from this dangerous situation.To make maters worse, the young kid driving the sports car had his top down and his stereo blasting at full volume. The same song over and over again. With my splitting headache and all other the stress, I thought I was a goner."

"Well," says Mike, "you obviously got out of it alright. What happened?"

"After what seemed like an eternity," says Butch, "The kid in the sports car turned off his stereo, we all slowed down and then stopped. Then I felt a hand on my shoulder and the guy who was running the merry-go-round said 'you have to get off now, the ride is over.'"

# Strongest Guy in the Bar

A motorcycle cop parks his bike next to a long line of choppers and walks into a rough looking biker bar and demands to know "Who's the strongest guy in here?"

A rough looking biker with muscles and hair popping out of his leather vest looks at him and says "I am the strongest guy around here, what's it to you?"

The cop smiles and says: "Would you help me push my motorcycle to the gas station?"

# Give Me a Budweiser

A big hulking biker walks into a bar, slams his fist down, and yells "Give me a Budweiser, or...!"

Scared, the bartender serves the biker his Budweiser. This happens everyday for a week straight, and the bartender turns into a nervous wreck. He asks his wife for advice, and she tells him he should stand up for himself. Easier said than done, he thinks, but he decides to try it. The next day, the biker returns.

"Give me a Budweiser, or...!"

"O-o-o-o-r-r-r w-what?" stammers the bartender.

"A Coors, or whatever is on tap."

# Chapter 4

# Nationality & Ethnic Jokes

#

Illustration by Terry Eade

Some of the jokes in this chapter may appear in other chapters. For example a joke about a Irishman in a pub may appear here and in the Bar & Pub Jokes section. However, the jokes will have the same title in both chapters. The illustration above was drawn by the author and is protected by copyright.

The jokes have been annotated by an asterisk (*) for those which have language or content you may find offensive, a double asterisk (**) for those which are risque, and a triple asterisk (***) for those which may not be suitable for mixed company. Those jokes without annotation are more suitable for general audiences and usually more appropriate for speaking engagements. Viewer discretion is recommended.

# Overheard on the Bus

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed swine, " retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' about a sexa? I'm a just tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."

# Nice of You to Ask *

It was a hot day in Minnesota. Helga hung the wash out to dry, put a roast in the oven, then went downtown to pick up some dry cleaning. "Gootness, it's hot," she mused to herself as she walked down Main Street.

She passed by a tavern and thought, "Vy nodt?" so she walked in and took a seat at the bar. The bartender came up and asked her what she would like to drink.

"Ya know," Helga said, "it's so hot I tink I'll have myself zee cold beer."

The bartender asked, "Anheuser Busch?"

Helga blushed and replied "Vell fine, tanks, und how's yer pecker?"

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Three Drinks Please

An Irishman named Patrick comes into a bar and orders three separate shots of Irish whiskey. He downs one, engages is casual conversations with the bartender, eventually finishing the other two.

This goes on for a few days and the bartender finally says, "You know, I can put all three shots in one glass for you." Patrick replies, "No, I prefer it this way. You see, I'm very close to my two brothers who are still living in Ireland. This represents a drink for each of us. This way I can be closer to them and feel like we are all having a drink together." The bartender understands this so he continues to set them up as requested.

This goes on for several months and then one day, the lad comes in and orders TWO shots. Well, this worried the bartender as he thought maybe something had happened to one of the brothers.

"Is everything alright?" the bartender asked.

"What do you mean?" replied Patrick.

"Well, all these months you have been ordering three shots and today you ordered only two. Did something happen to one of your brothers?"

"No," Patrick replied. "They're both fine. It's just that I've quit drinking."

# Nice Tattoo *

Two gents were at the urinals in an airport restroom when one happened to notice the tattoo on the penis of the other fellow. The first guy thought, wow that looks like my tattoo...when fully erect, Wendy's name is clearly visible. and at rest you can make out the w..n..and y so the first guy sees the w..n...and y of the other man and asks him about it.

"Sir, I'm from America and I noticed that the tattoo on your penis resembles the one I have...did you know a girl named Wendy also?"

The other, in his Latino accent responds, "No maan, I jeest came from the great land of the Carribean and with all of the beautiful women over there I had "Welcome to the Caribean - have a nice day" tatooed on mine!!!

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Two Dutch Girls *

Two Dutch girls are riding their old rickety bikes down the back streets of Amsterdam one late afternoon. As it turns closer towards dusk, the increasing darkness of the streets starts making the two girls a little nervous when one girl leans over to the other and says,

"You know, I've never come this way before."

The other girl says, "It's the cobblestones."

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Linebacker Potential

Vince Lombardi was driving through rural Wisconsin in a blinding snowstorm. Because of the bad visibility and the slippery road, his car slid off the road and into a deep ditch. Since this was before the days of cell phones, he decided that he would just sit in the car and wait for someone to drive down the road and be able to pull him out of the ditch or send back a tow truck.

Because of the rural nature of the road and the extremely bad weather, there was no traffic on the road. After a couple of hours there was a tap on the window. Vince rolled down the window to find a large Swedish girl bundled up for the storm who had been walking down the road.

Vince asked the girl if she could get a tractor or plow horse from her farm and help him out of the ditch. The girl sized up the situation and told Vince that she could hoist the car out of the ditch by herself. As Vince looked on in amazement, the girl easily lifted the car and placed it back on the road.

"How would you like to quit high school, move to the city and make a lot of money? asked Vince.

"Vat voud I have to dooo to make a lot of money?" says the girl cautiously.

"I would like to have you play with the Green Bay Packers," says Vince.

"Dat sounds like a great opportunity" says the girl, "but I don't play vith anybody's pecker but Oly's."

# When in Japan **

An American businessman is in Japan. The Japanese businessmen take him out, get him drunk, and send him upstairs with a hooker.

As he's screwing her, she starts screaming, "Nashagai ana! Nashagai ana!"

He's going, "Yeah, baby, take it all..."

He keeps pumping, and she keeps screaming, "Nashagai ana! Nashagai ana!"

The next day he's playing golf with one of the Japanese guys, and he slices the ball, and it goes way off to the right.and lands on the green of an adjacent fairway.

The Japanese businessman says, "Nashagai ana."

The American says, "What does that mean?"

The Japanese businessman says, "Wrong hole."

_** Risque_

# What's in a Name *

A Indian girl goes up to the Indian Chief and says "Chief how do you get our names?"

The Chief says, "Well, I look out the window and what ever I see is what I name you. For instance your mother and I saw a bull sitting in the fields after your brother was born so we named him Sitting Bull. Then your mother and I saw a cow grazing in the fields when your sister was born so she is named Grazing Cow.

As his daughter was pondering over this he said, "Do you have any more questions Two Dogs Screwing?"

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Watering Your Camel *

An archaeologist and his team have arrived in Egypt to look for relics out in the desert. The leader of the group has made arrangements for the necessary equipment and supplies for the expedition, but still needs to nail down the transportation arrangements. After studying the route and talking with his local guide, he has come to the realization he will not be able to reach his destination by motor vehicle and must, therefore, buy camels.

Since he is short on funds, he seeks out the most reasonable camel seller in the city, Honest Ahab. After having negotiated the best price he can get on the camels, the archaeologist again confirms that these are long distance camels and will be able to make the ten day trek without water. Honest Ahab reassures him that these are his best long distance camels and they will have no problem going that length of time without water.

So the archaeologist buys the camels and takes them back to camp. On the appointed day the team loads up their cargo, waters the camels and sets out on their journey. A few weeks later a bedraggled archaeologist limps into Honest Ahab's used camel dealership and demands his money back and an apology as well.

"You look terrible" says Honest Ahab, "what happened?"

"I'll tell you what happened," screams the archaeologist. "Five days out on our journey the long distance camels you sold me keeled over and died, leaving us stranded in the desert with only enough water for five more days.

Fortunately we were found by a caravan of traders who rescued us and dropped us off at a small village where we could get water, pitch our tents and wait for a caravan on the way back. Thanks to you we have been close to death, delayed for weeks, and forced to spend what little money we had left to pay for extra food and our passage back."

"I can't understand what went wrong" says Honest Ahab "those were my best long distance camels. How did you water them up?"

" I took them down to the river and let them drink until they were full, then we started immediately on our trip" says the archaeologist

"Well, that's the problem" says Honest Ahab " you should have snuck up behind them while they are drinking, taken two rocks and smashed them together on their balls. When you do this, they take in several additional gallons of water."

"Doesn't that hurt?" says the archaeologist.

"Not if you don't get your fingers in the way", says Honest Ahab.

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Courageous Conduct

It was one of the early transatlantic flights from London to New York. The aircraft had lost an engine and was having trouble maintaining altitude. In an attempt to lighten the load the crew had thrown out all of the luggage, mail, food, and other supplies. Next they had dismantled the seats and tossed them out as well. Even with all this the plane was not able to maintain altitude. Finally all members of the crew except the Pilot had parachuted out with an inflatable raft and a survival kit. Still the aircraft continued to loose altitude.

Finally the pilot came on the intercom and addressed the passengers. "I apologize for all of the drastic measures we have had to take and the inconvenience we have made you suffer, but they have been warranted by the severe circumstances. I regret to inform you that we have only one more option available to us. We have dumped all the fuel we can without cutting our range so short we cannot hope to reach land. I am, therefore, asking for volunteers who may wish to jump without a parachute into the sea in order to save the others. According to my calculations it will take three average size men to meet our objective. I'm sure anyone who jumps will not survive, but as it looks now none of us will survive anyway. Is there anyone who would volunteer to take this courageous and selfless act.

Everyone is silent for a moment, then an Englishman stands up gestures bravely to the crowd remarks "God save the Queen" and jumps out the door.

Next a small Frenchman stands up, bravely utters "Viva La France" and jumps to his death.

There is another lull and finally a large Texan stands up and hollers "Remember the Alamo" and throws two small Mexicans out the door.

# Telling Time in Tibet *

A man and his wife are on vacation in Tibet. While shopping in a mall village, the wife asks her husband what time it was, and looking down at his wrist the man realized he had left his watch in the motel room. After a few unsuccessful attempts to find an English speaking local, the couple finally finds an elderly man sitting quietly on the street with his donkey.

"Excuse me," the husband says, "Could you tell us the time?"

"Absolutely", replies the elderly man, and with that he reaches down and grabs the donkey's balls. "It is 3:00", the man exclaims.

"Thank you" replies the wife in a surprised voice. And the couple continues on their way. After doing some shopping and grabbing a bite to eat. The couple return to the old man for the time.

Again the elderly man grabs the donkey by the balls and says "It is now 4:45."

By this time the husband is completely amazed. "Please show me how you can tell the time simply by grabbing this donkey's balls!"

"Certainly," the elderly man replies motioning for the couple to come closer. "Sit here where I am," the man begins. "Now, do you see the donkey's balls?" "Of course", the man replies. "Now reach down and take them into your hand."

Hesitantly the husband does as he is instructed, after all, this could prove to be an enlightening experience.

"Now, slowly lift the donkey's balls", he continues. Again the husband does as he is instructed. "Now look underneath the donkeys balls, and between his two front legs." The husband does just that.

"Now" the man says, "Can you see the clock on the wall of that building over there?"

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Always Good News

An elderly Jewish man is sitting on a park bench reading Louis Farrakhan's newspaper. His best friend walks by, sees the paper, and stops in shock.

"What are you doing reading that paper?" he says. "You should be reading the 'Jewish Journal'!"

The elderly man replies, "The Jewish Journal has stories about anti-Semitism, problems in Israel - all kinds troubles of the Jewish people. I like to read about good news."

His friend gasps, "What good news could possibly be in that paper?"

"Well, Farrakhan's paper says the Jews have all the money, the Jews control the banks, the Jews control the press, the Jews control Hollywood -- see? It's all good news!"

# I Didn't Catch Your Name *

A man walks onto an airplane and takes his seat. He looks up and notices the most beautiful woman he has ever seen boarding the plane. He is so nervous, and he soon realizes that she is walking down the aisle toward him. When she takes the seat right next to him, he is anxious to begin a conversation with her.

He asks, "Where are you flying to today?"

She responds, "To the annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago."

He's CRAZED with excitement! Here is a gorgeous woman sitting next to him, and she's going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!!!!

"And what do you do at this meeting?" he asks.

"Well," she says, "we try to dissolve some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"And what myths are those?" he goes on desperately.

She goes on to explain, "Well, one popular myth is that African American men are the most endowed, when in fact, it is the Native American who own this trait. Also, it is widely believed that the Frenchman is the best lover, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who make the best lovers."

"Very interesting....." the man responds.

Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed and blushes. "I'm sorry," she says, "I just feel so awkward discussing this with you when I don't even know you! What is your name?"

The man extends his hand and replies, "Tonto.......Tonto Goldstein."

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Pierre the Fighter Pilot **

Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out or a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air.

Marie leans over to Pierre and says: "Pierre, kiss me!"

Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips.

"What are you doing, Pierre?", says the startled Marie.

"I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I like to have red wine!"

She smiles and they start kissing.When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower."

Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts.

"Pierre! What are you doing?", asks the bewildered Marie.

"I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I like to have white wine!"

They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up.

Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me lower!"

Our hero rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on fire.

Marie shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously, "PIERRE, WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?"

Our hero stands up, defiantly, and says, "I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I go down, I go down in flames!"

_** Risque_

# Take Me to Iraq **

A small commercial plane is in mid-flight over the ocean when suddenly the cockpit door burst open to reveal an armed, masked hijacker to a startled pilot, copilot, navigator, and stewardess.

He held a gun to the pilot's head and said, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill your brains all over the place. The pilot calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and says, "Look buddy, if you shoot me this plane will crash right into the sea and you'll die along with the rest of us."

The hijacker thought about it, then held the gun to the copilot's head and said, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill HIS brains all over the place." But the copilot also calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and said, "Listen to me. The pilot's got a bad heart and he could keel over at the shock of my being killed. So if you shoot me, this plane will still crash right into the sea and you'll die along with the rest of us."

The hijacker thought about it for a moment and then held the gun to the navigator's head and repeated, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill HIS brains all over the place." But the navigator calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and said, "I wouldn't do that if I were you. Those other two guys have no sense of direction. Without me they couldn't find their way out of a paper bag much less get this plane to Iraq. So if you shoot me, this plane will still crash right into the sea and you'll die along with the rest of us."

The hijacker thought some more, shrugged and this time held the gun to the stewardess's head and demanded, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill HER brains all over the place." No one says a word, but the stewardess leaned over and whispered something into the hijacker's ear. He turned beet red, dropped his gun, and ran out ofthe cockpit in a panic.

The crew tracked down the hijacker, who was found cowering behind some crates in the hold, and tied him up. The pilot then asked the stewardess what she said that terrified the man so.

"I told him, sir," she replied, "that if he killed me, he'd be the one who'd have to give you guys your blowjobs."

_** Risque_

# Birthday Presents

A little Italian boy and a little Jewish boy, lived about a block apart in the neighborhood and basically grew up together. The Jewish boy was the son of a Jeweler and the Italian boy was the son of a hit man.

Oddly enough, they had the same birthday. For their 12th birthday, the little Jewish boy received a Rolex watch and the little Italian boy received a 22 Baretta.

The next day, they are out on the street corner comparing their presents and neither is happy, so they switch gifts with each other.

The little Italian boy goes home to show his Father and his Father is NOT pleased. "What are you, nuts? Let me tell you something, you idiot! Some day you're gonna meet a nice girl, you're gonna wanna settle down and get married. You'll have a few kids, all that stuff. THEN one day, you're gonna come home and find your wife in bed with another man. What the hell ya gonna do? Look at your watch and say, 'Hey, how long you gonna be?'

# A Tiff with Riley

"My god! What happened to you?" the bartender asked Kelly as he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast.

"I got in a tiff with Riley."

"Riley? He's just a wee fellow," the barkeep said, surprised. "He must have had something in his hand."

"Aye...that he did," Kelly said. "A shovel it was."

"Dear Lord...didn't you have anything in YOUR hand?"

"Aye, that I did," Kelly said. "And a beautiful thing it was, but that particular part of Mrs. Riley is not much use in a fight!"

# My Wife is Poisoning Me

A Jewish man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."

The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"

The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"

The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"

The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."

A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"

The man anxiously says, "Yes."

"Take the poison," says the Rabbi.

# Pedro and Rosetta

The teacher stands at the front of the classroom with two new students. "Class I would like to introduce you to Pedro and Rosetta Gonzales. They just moved here from Mexico with their parents. I know that you will all be nice to them and help them feel welcome in our school and in our country."

After about an hour of class the teacher notices that Pedro had his hand up. Wanting to include him in the class discussion, the teacher quickly calls on him.

"Yes Pedro,' says the teacher, "do you have a question?"

"Teacher," says Pedro, "I have to take a piss."

At this, all the kids start laughing. As soon as the teacher is able to quiet the other kids down she tries to explain what has happened.

"Pedro, here in the United States we do not say 'piss' we refer to it as 'number one' and all you have to do is raise one finger and I will excuse you to leave and use the restroom.

"OK teacher," says Pedro "I understand."

Later in the morning Pedro again raises his hand. Again the teacher calls on Pedro and asks him if he has a question.

"Teacher," says Pedro "I have to take a shit."

Again the class erupts into laughter and again the teacher explains the local situation.

"Here in the United States we call that 'number two', so all you have to do is raise two fingers and I will excuse you to go to the restroom." explains the teacher.

"OK teacher," says Pedro "I understand."

Half way through the afternoon Pedro again raises his hand. By this time the teacher is somewhat reluctant to call on him, but thinks that all the basics have been covered and this may be a legitimate question. So the teacher calls on Pedro.

"Teacher," Pedro begins, "my sister Rosetta has to fart, would you give her a number please?"

# Who's Most Important

Three little black boys are playing in the park. They have been telling tall tales all day and are now debating which one of their fathers is more important.

The first little boy says "My dad is definitely the most important. You've heard of this here Penicillin haven't you? Well my daddy is the one who discovered that!"

The next little boy says "That's nothing, You've heard of that Atomic Energy stuff ain't you? Well my dad is the one who invented all that!!"

The third little boy says "My dad is more important than both of you're dads put together. You've heard of that there Syphilis, Gonorrhea, and the Clap, ain't you? Well my dad's the Northwest Distributor!!!"

# I've Got to Take a Call

Four international executives are playing golf. On the third hole a ringing sound is heard. The British golfer fumbles in his bag, picks out his cellular phone, turns away from his partners and has a brief conversation. "Terribly sorry chaps, but one has to keep one's finger on the pulse and all that." His companions murmur acknowledgment.

On the fourth hole there is another ring. The American says "excuse me", places his thumb to his ear and holds his pinkie near his mouth, and has an intense conversation. He turns back to the bewildered group. "Oh, this is the latest thing on the Coast," he says "I've got a microphone grafted into my pinkie and a receiver in my thumb. It's really convenient."

They play on for a few more holes, at which point there is a loud ring. The German, who had been leaning over his putt, snaps to attention. "Ja, verstehen, verstehen, ja, ja. Auf Wiedersehen." He snaps back to normal. "This is really the state of art," he tells his playing partners. "I have the microphone grafted into my lower lip, and the receiver grafted into my earlobe. All I have to do to answer the telephone is to straighten my neck." Everyone is impressed.

Finally, on the 18th hole, muted chimes are heard. The Japanese businessman drops his clubs, blurts "so sorry" and runs into the bushes. Everyone waits. After 15 minutes the American goes to check on his colleague. He finds Mr. Tanaka squatting, trousers around his ankles, eyes closed and grimacing.

"You okay, Tanaka-san?" he asks.

"Everything is fine," Mr. Tanaka replies. "Just awaiting fax from home office."

# The Stowaway *

The Captain noticed that when one of the crew members would take his break he would get a snack and then go out to one of the lifeboats and climb under the cover rather than take his break with the rest of the crew in the galley. After about a week the Captain went out to the lifeboat and looked inside. There was a pretty young oriental girl.

"What are you doing in there?" said the Captain.

"I'm sorry," says the girl," but my mother is very sick in Japan and I couldn't afford the passage to go and see her. So when I met this nice sailor in Seattle who offered to sneak me aboard his ship and hide me in this lifeboat, I knew my prayers had been answered. He has been bringing me food and water for almost a week. He is so nice, please don't punish him."

"And what is he getting for all this trouble?" says the Captain.

"Well," says the girl, "he has been screwing me."

"He sure as hell has," says the Captain "this is the Bremerton Ferry."

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Irish Math

A construction site boss was interviewing men for a job, when along came Murphy. The boss thought I'm not hiring that lazy Irishman, so he decided to set a test for Murphy, hoping he wouldn't be able to answer the questions, and he'd be able to refuse him the job without getting into an argument.

The first question was: 'Without using numbers, represent the number 9.' So Murphy says, "Dat's easy" and proceeds to draw three trees.

The boss says, "What the heck's that?"

Murphy says "Tree 'n tree n' tree makes nine."

"Fair enough," says the boss.

Second question, same rules, but represent 99. Murphy stares into space for a while, then makes a smudge on each tree.

"Der ya go sir," he says.

The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"

Murphy says, "Each tree's dirty now! So it's dirty tree, n'dirty n' dirty tree, dats 99."

The boss is getting worried he's going to have to hire him, so he says, "All right, question three. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."

Murphy stares into space again, then he shouts, "Got it!" He makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Der ya go sir, 100!"

The boss looks at Murphy's attempt and thinks, Ha! Got him this time. "Go on Murphy, you must be mad if you think that represents a hundred."

Murphy leans forward and points to the marks at the tree bases, and says, "A little dog comes along and poops by each tree, so now you've got, dirty tree an' a turd, dirty tree an' a turd, an' dirty tree an' a turd, which makes one hundred - so when do I start me job, boss?"

# Where's the Beef

An American soldier is on duty in Sweden, where he takes a Swedish gal out to the movies. They settle in and start some light petting, and the American says, "In America, we call this hamburger."

The gal says, "Yah, yah, vee call dis hamburger in Svedin, too."

The movie continues, and they go a little farther. The American says, "Now in America, we call this pastrami."

The gal says, "Yah, yah, vee call dis pastrami in Svedin, too."

They decide to leave the movie and go park the car. They get into the back seat and really go at it. Afterward, the American says, "In America, we call this a sandwich."

The gal says, "Yah, yah, vee call dis a sandvich in Svedin, too. Only vee put a little more meat in it."

# Happy Mother's Day

The young gay man calls his Jewish mother to wish her a happy mother's day. In addition to the present and the card he had already mailed to her he had a special present he wanted to deliver to her personally.

"Mom," he began, "I know that all these years that you have not approved of my gay lifestyle, so you will be glad to know that that is all behind me now and I have returned to being a heterosexual."

"Oh, that's wonderful," says the mother.

"Not only that," continues the son, "but I have met a wonderful girl and we plan to get married later this year."

"That's so good to hear," says the mother, "I suppose it would be too much to ask if she was Jewish?"

"Not only is she Jewish," says the son, "she is from a very prominent Beverly Hills family and her father is a doctor!!"

"Oh, this is too good to be true," says the mother, "what is her name?"

"Monica Lewinsky" says the son.

After a brief pause the mother says "What ever happened to that nice black boy you were dating last year?"

# Macho Mosquito

Just after Lorena Bobbit brutally cut off her husbands penis, she jumped into her car and sped away. On here way down the highway, holding her husbands penis in her hand, she decided to throw it out the window. She opened her window and tossed the penis as far as she could and sped away again.

Meanwhile, two Canadians driving down the same highway happened to cross right by Lorena just as she tossed it out the window and the penis hit their windshield smack dab in the middle. Stunned but still quiet the two Canadians drove on.

About 3 miles down the road the one Canadian turned to the other and said "Man, did you see the size of the dick on that mosquito?"

# Spanish Sheepherder

A Spanish sheepherder had grown weary of his lonely life in the hills and decided to go back to his home village and find a bride. The girl he chose was a beautiful young virgin who had just finished school and come of age. After the marriage he took her back to his cabin in the hills and they lived happily with the sheep and the fresh air. She was particularly pleased with the sexual part of their marriage and intrigued with her husband's penis, since she was a very sheltered child and had never seen one before.

"You're very lucky," said her husband "because I am the only man in the world who has one of these. You see because I was such a good man God came to this mountain and rewarded be by giving me a penis."

Then came the harsh cold of Winter and life in the mountains became very difficult, so the sheepherder took his wife back to the village and had her stay with his family until Spring when she returned to the cabin to rejoin her husband. Anxious to resume their interrupted sex life the sheepherder immediately took his wife to bed. But this time she was cold and unresponsive.

"What is the matter?" the sheepherder asks.

"You lied to me," says the wife.

"What do you mean?" responds the sheepherder.

"You told me you were the only man in the world who had a penis," says the wife "and your brother has one too."

Quickly thinking of a way to cover his lie the sheepherder says "Well actually God gave me two and since I only needed one I gave the other one to my brother."

"Then you are very stupid," says the wife "you gave him the best one."

# French Foreign Legion *

The young French Foreign Legion Lieutenant had just been promoted to Captain and assigned as the commander of a post in the desert of Algiers. After a few weeks on the job the young Captain called in his First Sergeant and asks him what there is to do around the post after hours.

"Well sir," responds the Sergeant "their are no women on the post but the men have chipped in and purchased a camel, which is tied out behind the barracks. If you would like me to put you on the list for the camel I would be pleased to be of service to you."

"I'm shocked," says the Captain indignantly, "I'm an officer in the French Foreign Legion and I would not stoop to such conduct. I'm insulted that you even thought I would do such a thing."

Several months go buy and the young Captain is getting extremely horney. One day he calls in the First Sergeant and says "I would like to apologize for my outburst about the camel when I first came to the post, I know that you were just looking out for my best interest. I have also considered that I may look arrogant to the men for not considering the use of their camel. So If it is not too much trouble I would like you to sign me up for a turn with the camel."

The Sergeant signs the Captain up for the camel and tells him the date. For the week before the Captains date with the camel, the Captain is getting very excited and checking off each day on his calendar. As soon as the Captain has finished his duties on the big day he takes a bath, puts on a clean uniform and goes out behind the barracks for his big rendezvous with the camel. He finds a stool beside the camel and puts it behind the camel stands on the stool and starts screwing the camel. After a few minutes he notices that all the men are leaning out the back windows of the barracks watching him and laughing. The Captain has waited a long time for this and does not give up until he is finished, even though the men are laughing harder and harder.

The next day the embarrassed Captain calls the First Sergeant into his office and demands an explanation.

"I thought you told me that you and all the men were signed up for the camel,"says the Captain.

"That's right sir," says the First Sergeant.

"Then why were they all laughing at me?" asks the Captain.

"Well sir," says the Sergeant, "the men usually just ride the camel into town, that's were the women are."

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Chinese Torture *

A man is out in the Chinese jungle and he's hopelessly lost. It's been nearly three weeks since he's eaten anything besides what he could forage and he's been reduced to sleeping in caves and under trees.

One afternoon he comes upon an old mansion in the jungle. It has vines covering most of it and the man can't see any other buildings in the area. However, he sees smoke coming out of the chimney implying someone is home.

He knocks on the door and an old man answers, with a beard almost down to the ground. The old man squints his eyes and says "What do you want?"

The man says "I've been lost for the past three weeks and haven't had a decent meal or sleep since that time. I would be most gracious if I could have a meal and sleep in your house for tonight"

The old Chinese man says "I'll let you come in on one condition: You cannot mess around with my granddaughter"

The man, exhausted and hungry readily agrees, saying "I promise I won't cause you any trouble. I'll be on my way tomorrow morning"

The old Chinese man counters "Ok, but if I do catch you then I'll give you the three worst Chinese torture tests ever known to man."

"Ok, Ok" the man said as he entered the old house. Besides, he thought to himself, what kind of woman would live out in the wilderness all her life?

That night, when the man came down to eat, he saw how beautiful the granddaughter was. She was an absolute pearl, and while he had only been lost three weeks, it had been many, many months without companionship. And the girl had only seen the occasional monk besides her grandfather and they both couldn't keep their eyes off each other throughout the meal.

That night, the man snuck into the girls' bedroom and they had quite a time, but had kept the noise down to a minimum.

The man crept back to his room later that night thinking to himself, "Any three torture tests would be worth it after that experience."

The next morning the man awoke to find a heavy weight on his chest. He opened his eyes and there was this huge rock on his chest. On the rock was a sign saying "1st Chinese torture test: 50 kg rock on your chest".

"What a lame torture test" the man thought to himself as he got up and walked over to the window. He opened the shutter and threw the rock out. On the backside of the rock is another sign saying "2nd worst Chinese torture test: Rock tied to right testicle".

The man, seeing the rock was too far out the window to be grabbed, jumps out the window after the rock. Outside the window is a third sign saying "3rd worst Chinese torture test: left testicle tied to bedpost".

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# God Will Provide

A young Jewish woman brings home her fiance to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man.

The father invites the fiancee to his study for a drink. "So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man.

"I am a Torah scholar," the fiancee replies.

"A Torah scholar. Hmmm," the father says. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?"

"I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."

"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asks the father.

"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "God will provide for us."

"And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?"

"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiance.

The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that God will provide.

Later, the mother asks, "How did it go, Honey?"

The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm God.

# Bungee Jumping in Mexico

Jim and Johnny are bungee jumping one day. Jim says to Johnny, "you know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee jumping service in Mexico." Johnny thinks this is a great idea, so they pool their money and buy everything they'll need; a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.

They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them work. When they had finished, there was such a crowd they thought it would be a good idea to give a demonstration. So Jim jumps.

He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, Johnny notices that he has a few cuts and scratches.

Unfortunately, Johnny isn't able to catch him, and he falls again, bounces again and comes back up again. This time he is bruised and bleeding. Again Johnny misses him. Jim falls again and bounces back up. This time he comes back pretty messed up.

He's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious. Luckily Johnny catches him this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?" Barely able to speak, Jim gasps, "No, the bungee cord was fine. It was the crowd... WHAT THE HECK IS A PIÑATA?"

# Memorial Stone

A elderly Jewish woman's husband dies and she has only $35,000 to her name. After everything is done at the funeral home and cemetery, she tells her closest friend that she has no money left. The friend says, "How can that be?

You told me you still had $35,000 left just a few days before your husband died.

How could you be broke?"

The widow says, "Well, the funeral home cost me $5,000. And of course, I had to make the obligatory donation to the temple, so that was another $5,000.

The rest went for the memorial stone.

The friend says, "$25,000 for the memorial stone? My God, how big was it?"

Extending her left hand, the widow says, "Three carats."

# Another Martini Please

McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.

"S'cuse me", said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done, "what was that all about?"

"Nothin', said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives!"

# Walk Don't Run

A Scottish man was at a baseball game. It was the first time he had ever seen the sport so he sat quietly. The first batter approached the plate, took a few swings and then hit a double. Everyone was on their feet screaming "Run, Run!"

This happened two more times, with a single and a triple. The Scottish man was now excited and ready to get into the game. The next batter came up and four balls went by. The umpire called "walk" and the batter started on a slow trot to first. The Scotsman, extremely excited now, stood up and screamed, "R-R-Run ye bastard, rrrun!"

Everyone around him started laughing so the Scotsman, extremely embarrassed, sat back down. The fan sitting next to the Scotsman noticed his embarrassment, so he leaned over and explained, "He can't run because he got four balls."

The Scotsman immediately stood up and screamed, "Walk with pride, Lad! Walk with pride!"

# The American Way

A Frenchman, an Italian and an American were sitting in a bar discussing sex.

"Last night I made love to my wife three times" boasted the Frenchman. "She was in sheer ecstasy this morning..."

The Italian said: "Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times, and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man."

When the American remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"

"Once." he replied.

"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you this morning?" he asked.

"Don't stop," said the American with a grin

# Irish War with Iraq

Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering whom to invade next when his telephone rang.

"Hallo! Mr. Hussein," a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy up in County Cavan, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy," Saddam replied, "this is indeed important news! Tell me, how big is your army?"

"At this moment in time," said Paddy after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, my cousin Sean, my next door neighbour Gerry, and the entire dominoes team from the pub -- that makes eight!"

Saddam sighed. "I must tell you Paddy that I have a million men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Begorrah!" said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back!"

Sure enough, the next day Paddy rang back. "Right Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Saddam asked.

"Well, we have two combine harvesters, a bulldozer and Murphy's tractor from the farm."

Once more Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have sixteen thousand tanks, fourteen thousand armored personnel carriers, and my army has increased to two million men since we last spoke."

"Really?" said Paddy "I'll have to ring you back!"

Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Right Mr. Hussein, I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."

"I'm sorry to hear that," said Saddam. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well," said Paddy "We've had a look at the Geneva Convention, all had a chat, and there's no way we can feed two million prisoners."

# Got any Water?

An Arab was walking through the Sahara desert, desperate for water, then he saw something, far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he walked towards the image, only to find a little old Jewish man sitting at a card table with a bunch of neckties laid out on it.

The Arab asked, "Please, I'm dying of thirst, can I have some water?"

The man replied "I don't have any water, but why don't you buy a tie? Here's one that goes nicely with your robes."

The Arab shouted, "I don't want a tie, you idiot, I need water!"

"OK, don't buy a tie. But to show you what a nice guy I am, I'll tell you that over that hill there, about 5 miles, is a nice restaurant my brother runs. Walk that way, they'll give you all the water you want."

The Arab thanked him and walked away towards the hill and eventually disappeared.

Three hours later the Arab came crawling back to where the man was sitting behind his card table. He said "I told you, about 5 miles over that hill. Couldn't you find it?"

The Arab rasped "I found it alright. They wouldn't let me in without a tie."

# Reasonable Precautions *

In the middle of the night the Swedish farmer was awakened by a loud banging on the farmhouse door. It was a young saleswoman who's car had broken down on the snow covered country road in rural Minnesota. The farmer allowed as how he could not get her into town during the storm but could offer her shelter until the storm blew over. The problem was that she either had to stay in the freezing cold barn or in the second bedroom with the farmer's two teenage sons.

Sven and Oly were delighted with the new guest and thought that their hospitality should be rewarded with sex from the pretty young saleswoman. Realizing that she would not get any sleep unless she complied or even worse to irritate the boys and get sent to the barn, she agreed to have sex with the two teenagers. However, she had a stipulation. "You don't want me to have a baby do you?" she asked. The boys agreed and she provided each one with a condom and told them that they should not take them off or she would have a baby.

Several months later the boys are harvesting hay in the hot sun. Sven turned to Oly and said "Remember that woman who stayed with us last Winter?"

"Ya I do," said Oly

"Vel, do you care if she has a baby?", asks Sven

"No, I really don't." says Oly

"Vel then why don't ve take these damn things off!!" says Sven.

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# A Real Scoop

The young female reporter had been assigned to interview the Tribal Chief from the local Indian reservation. After showing the attractive reporter around the reservation and impressing her with the large herds of cattle and horses, the Chief took her back to his tepee.

"Who are all the young women who are working around your tepee, are they your daughters?"

"Not daughters," responds the Chief, "All women working around tepee are Chief's wives. Many wives mean much work get done and Chief have good time in the sack."

"That's terrible," responds the liberated young reporter, "A man like you should be hung."

"Chief is hung," responds the Chief with a smile and a wink.

# You've Been Drinking Again

An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside, he stood up and fell on his face again. So he decided to crawl the four blocks home.

When he arrived at the door he stood up and fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into the bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "so you've been drinking again!"

Putting on an innocent look, and intent on bluffing it out he said, "What makes you say that?"

"The pub just called; you left your wheelchair there again."

# For Medicinal Purposes Only

Sister Mary Katherine lived in a nunnery, a block away from Jack's liquor store in Dublin. One day, she came into the store and said, "Oh Jack, give me a pint o' the brandy."

"Sister Mary Katherine," exclaimed Jack, "I could never do that! I've never sold alcohol to a nun in my life!"

"Oh Jack," she responded, "it's only for the Mother Superior." Her voice dropped. "She's getting on in years and It helps her constipation, you know."

So Jack sold her the brandy.

Later that night Jack closed the store and walked home. As he passed the nunnery, who should he see but Sister Mary Katherine. And she was snookered. She was singing and dancing, whirling around and flapping her arms like a bird, right there on the sidewalk.

A crowd was gathering so Jack pushed through and exclaimed, "Sister Mary Katherine! For shame! You told me this was for the Mother Superior's constipation!"

Sister Mary Katherine didn't miss a beat as she replied: "And so it is, me lad, so it is. When she sees me, she's really going to shit!"

# Fully Loaded Volvo *

Tiger Woods drives his huge Volvo into a Petrol Station in Cork, on his tour of Ireland. The attendant at the pump greets him in a typical Cork manner, unawares as to who the golf pro is...."Top of the morning to you, etc., etc."

Tiger Woods bends down to pick up the pump, but two tees fall out of his top pocket onto the ground. "What are dey Son?" says the attendant.

"They're called tees," replies Tiger Woods.

"What're they for?" inquires the Cork man.

"They're for putting my balls on while I'm driving," says Tiger Woods.

"Jaysus," says the Cork man, "Dem boys at Volvo tink of fookin' everythin'

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Richly Adorned

An elderly Jewish woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the the artist, "Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and Rolex."

"But you are not wearing any of those things."

"I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry."

# A Biased Perspective

A man was in the hospital recovering from an operation when a nun walked into his room. She was there to cheer up the sick and ailing. The man and nun started talking and she asked about his life. He talked about his wife and 13 children.

"My, my," said the nun, "13 children... You're a good, proper Catholic family. God is very proud of you!"

"I'm sorry, Sister," he said, "I am not Catholic. I'm Jewish."

"Jewish!?" she replies. "Hmmm... You're a sex maniac, aren't you?"

# Drinking Bet

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of drinkin' fools. I'll bet $500 American dollars that nobody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."

The room is quiet and no one takes the Texan's bet. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later, the same Irishman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder.

"Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.

The Texan says "Yes," and he asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness.

Immediately, the Irishman tears into all 10 pints of beer, drinking them all back-to-back.

The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits down in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and askes, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"

The Irishman replies, "Oh... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."

# Persistence

A little black boy and girl go trick or treating. They knock on the door of this house and the man who answers it says, "Well, you two are awful cute. Who are you supposed to be?"

"We're Jack and Jill" she replied.

The man says, "You can't be Jack and Jill, you're black!"

So, they go off and a while later they come back dressed differently. They ring the doorbell and once again and the man opens the door.

"Well now, that is just darn cute. Who are you this time?"

"We're Hansel and Gretel" says the little boy.

"Well, I hate to disappoint you son, but you can't be Hansel and Gretel because you're black!"

Heads hung low, they leave. Not too much later the man hears the bell rings again. This time when he opens the door there stand the two children but this time they are BUCK NAKED.

"Oh my! And just who are you supposed to be now?!" he asks.

"We're Chocolate M & M's, " said the little girl. "I'm plain. He's with nuts!"

# Polish Chicken Farm

Some Polish people decide to start a chicken farm. They get some chickens and plant them in the ground, headfirst. When all the chickens die, the farmers are somewhat confused, but they don't give up.

They get some more chickens, but these are planted feet-first. It takes a little longer, but eventually the second batch of chickens die, too.

They decide to write a letter to the Polish agriculture bureau. In the letter they explain in detail the procedures they have followed and their disappointing results.

A few weeks later they receive this reply from the bureau: "Before we can advise you, please send us a soil sample."

# Strange Request

One day an old Jewish Pole, living in Warsaw, has his last lightbulb burn out. To get a new one he'll have to stand in line for two hours at the store (and they'll probably be out by the time he gets there), so he goes up to his attic and starts rummaging around for an old oil lamp he vaguely remembers seeing.

He finds the old brass lamp in the bottom of a trunk that has seen better days. He starts to polish it and a genie appears in cloud of smoke.

"Ho ho, Mortal!" says the genie, stretching and yawning, "For releasing me I will grant you three wishes."

The old man thinks for a moment and says, "I want Genghis Khan resurrected. I want him to reunite his mongol hordes, march to the Polish border, and then decide he doesn't want the place and march back home."

"No sooner said than done!" thunders the genie. "Your second wish?"

"Okay. I want Genghis Khan resurrected. I want him to reunite his mongol hordes, march to the Polish border, and then decide he doesn't want the place and march back home."

"Hmmm. Well, all right. Your third wish?"

"I want Genghis Khan resurrected. I want him to reunite his --"

"Okay, okay, okay. Right. What's this business about Genghis Khan marching to Poland and turning around again?"

The old man smiles. "He has to pass through Russia six times."

# First Things First

An East Indian man named Raju was involved in a car accident. At the hospital, when he awoke, he called for the nurse to tell him what had happened to him.

"I'm very sorry, sir, but you were involved in a very bad car crash."

"Car crash! My Porsche! my Porsche! is my car all right?" he asked hysterically.

"Sir, your car was destroyed, but that is the least of your worries. You lost your left arm in the crash, and we were unable to save it," she said apologetically.

"I lost my arm? My Rolex! My Rolex!"

"Sir, please calm down. That is the least of your worries. You are in a very critical condition, but all your family are here to see you." He asked for his family to be called in. As they gathered around the bed, he called for each of them by name.

"Pushpa, are you here?"

"I am here husband, and I will never leave you."

"Dilip, are you here?"

"I am here father, and I will never leave you."

"Anil, are you here?"

"I am here father, and I will never leave you."

"Priya, my child, are you here?"

"I am here father, and I will never leave you."

"Well," said Raju thoughtfully, "if Pushpa, Dilip, Anil and Priya are here, if all of you are here...

...who the hell is looking after the shop?!"

# Irish Wedding **

A wedding occurred just outside Cavan in Ireland. To keep tradition going, everyone got extremely drunk and the bride's and groom's families have a storming row and begin wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the living daylights out of each other. The Police get called in to break up the fight.

The following week, all members of both families appear in court. The fight continues in the court room until the Judge finally brings calm with the use of his gavel, shouting, "Silence in Court!" The court room goes silent and Paddy, the Best Man, stands up and says, "Judge, I was the Best Man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened."

The Judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand. Paddy begins his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Cavan wedding that the Best Man gets the first dance with the bride. The judge says, "Okay."

"Well," said Paddy, "After I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song, when all of a sudden the groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the bride an unmerciful kick right between her legs."

Shocked, the Judge instantly responded, "God, that must have hurt!"

"Hurt?!" Paddy replies. "He broke three of my fingers!

_** Risque_

# Away at School

Donald MacDonald from the Isle of Skye went to study at an English university and was living in the hall of residence with all the other students there. After he had been there a month, his mother came to visit him.

"And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she asked.

"Mother," he replied, "they're such terrible, noisy people. The one on that side keeps banging his head on the wall and won't stop. The one on the other side screams and screams all night."

"Oh Donald! How do you manage to put up with these awful noisy English neighbors?"

"Mother, I do nothing. I just ignore them. I just stay here quietly, playing my bagpipes."

# Sheepishly Selfish *

An Australian was walking down a country road in New Zealand, when he happened to glance over the fence and see a farmer going at it with a sheep.

The Aussie is quite taken aback by this, so he climbs the fence and walks over to the farmer. He taps him on the shoulder and says, "You know mate, back home, we shear those!"

The New Zealander looks frantically around and says, "I'm not bloody shearing this with no one!"

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Quality vs. Quantity

At the Russian War College, a general is a guest lecturer and tells the class of officers that the session will focus on potential problems and the resulting strategies.

One of the officers in the class begins by asking the first question, "Will we have to fight in a World War Three?"

"Yes, comrades, in all likelihood, you will," answers the general.

"And who will be our enemy, Comrade General?" another officer asks.

"The likelihood is that it will be China." The class looks alarmed, and finally one officer asks, "But Comrade General, we are 150 million people and they are about 1.5 billion. How can we possibly win?"

"Well," replies the general, "think about it. In modern war, it is not the quantity, but the quality that is key. For example, in the Middle East, 5 million Jews fight against 50 million Arabs, and the Jews have been the winners every time."

"But sir," asks the panicky officers, "do we have enough Jews?"

# Dishonorable Wife

Two Japanese businessmen are talking during their afternoon dip in the hot baths at the Geisha house.

The first businessman says, "Hirokosan, I have unpleasant news for you. Your wife is dishonoring you. I saw her the other night and she was out with another man."

Hirokosan can't believe what he hears, and asks for more information.

"It is as I said, Hirokosan, and she is doing it with a foreigner who appears to be of the Jewish faith."

Shocked, Hirokosan goes home to confront his wife. He faces her and says, "I am told that you are dishonoring me with a foreigner of the Jewish faith".

She replies, "That's a lie! Where did you hear such mishugunah?!"

# Colorful Dogfight *

Sven, a Swedish pilot during World War I, was being interviewed on TV. He had been asked about the day he shot down 7 German airplanes.

"Well, Oi was jus flyin' aloong when suddenly Oi see this fokker flyin' oop at me," explained Sven in his native accent. "Oi looked aroun' and saw there woos another fokker off me right wing and then two fokkers offme left wing. There was a fokker behin' me, and two fokkers comin' doon at me."

At this point the interviewer interjected, "Perhaps I should explain to our viewing audience that a Fokker is a kind of German aircraft."

"Yah," said Sven. "That, too. But these fukkers were flying Messerschmidts."

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Last Words

An Englishman, a Canadian and an American were captured by terrorists.

The terrorist leader said, "Before we shoot you, you will be allowed last words. Please let me know what you wish to talk about."

The Englishman replied, "I wish to speak of loyalty and service to the crown."

The Canadian replied, "Since you are involved in a question of national purpose, national identity, and secession, I wish to talk about the history of constitutional process in Canada, special status, distinct society and uniqueness within diversity."

The American replied, "Just shoot me before the Canadian starts talking."

# Night School *

Giuseppe walks into work, and asks, "Ey, Tony! You know who's-a George Washington?"

Tony responds, "No, Giuseppe, who's-a George Washington?"

Giuseppe says, "Hah! George Washington's the first-a President of-a United States. I'm-a go to night school, learn all about-a United States, and become-a U.S.-a citizen."

A couple of days later, Giuseppe walks into work and asks, "Ey, Tony, you know who's-a Abraham Lincoln?"

Tony replys, "No, Giuseppe, who's-a Abraham Lincoln?"

Giuseppe says, "Hah! Abaham-a Lincoln is-a sixteenth President of-a the United States. I'm-a go to night school, learn all about-a United States, and become-a U.S.-a citizen."

A guy in the back of the shop yells, "Yo, Giuseppe - you know who Filippo Giusti is?"

Giuseppe asks, "No. Who's-a Filippo Giusti is?"

The guy yells, "That's the guy who's bangin' your wife while you're in night school."

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Volume Sales

Two Polish guys bought a truckload of watermelons, paying one dollar apiece for them. Then they drove to the market and sold all their melons for the same price they'd paid for them.

After counting their money at the end of the day, they realize they'd ended up with no more money than they'd started with.

"See!" said one. "I told you we shoulda got a bigger truck."

# No Speakee English

Seated next to a blowhard at a United Nations dinner was an Oriental man dressed in the robes of one of the Far Eastern countries. The blowhard, attempting to make conversation, leaned over and said, "You like soupee?"

The Oriental fellow nodded his head.

"You like steakee?"

The Oriental nodded again.

As it turned out, the guest speaker at the dinner was our Oriental friend who got up and delivered a beautiful 50-minute address on the United Nations' definition of "encouragement to self-reliance" by underdeveloped countries of the world. The speech was flawless in Oxford English.

He returned to his place at the head of the table, sat down, and turned to his dinner partner and said, "You like speechee?"

# Small Change **

A young Jewish girl come home one day and announces, "Ma, I got married."

"Oy, that's great," her mother says.

"But Ma, he's an Arab," the girl continues.

Her mother replies, "Oy, that's terrible!"

"But Ma," the girl goes on, "He's an Arab sheik. He's wealthy beyond your wildest dreams. You and daddy are going to live in the lap of luxury for the rest of your lives!"

Six months later, the girl walks into the house and says, "Ma, I love my Arab sheik, but my God, all he wants to do is screw me in the rear. Day and night, that's all he wants to do. When we got married, my asshole was the size of a dime, now it's the size of a silver dollar!"

Her mother says, "So, for ninety cents you're going to make trouble?"

_** Risque_

# Under the Influence

A stunningly beautiful woman walked into a bar and sat down. She was followed a few minutes later by a man who took a seat at the end of the bar. He immediately noticed the beauty and, since this was his local hangout, figured the bartender would do him a favor.

"Jack, here's a twenty-dollar bill," whispered the man, leaning over the bar, "slip her some Spanish fly."

"I don't have any Spanish fly," said the bartender, "but a customer gave me some Jewish fly."

"Jewish fly!" exclaimed the man, "What does THAT do?"

"I don't know," answered the bartender. "Why don't we try it and find out?"

The next time the woman needed a refill, the bartender put the Jewish fly powder in her drink. She finished the drink, and a few minutes later got up and sidled over to the man. She put her arm around his shoulder, put her other hand on his knee, and began to rub the inside of his leg.

"You attract me," she purred. "I'd like to do something with you tonight."

"Honey, I'll do anything you want," gasped the man.

"Great! Take me shopping at Bloomingdale's!"

# Horse for Sale

An old farmer is outside for a walk around his land when he sees a sign on his neighbor's fence: "Horse for Sale." Curious, he decides to have a lookat the horse. As he approaches his neighbor's stable, he sees his old Italian friend brushing down a fine looking stallion.

"Hello friend, I saw your sign out there and came over to see your horse that's for sale."

Now, the Italian farmer speaks very poor English, but manages to answer well enough. "Yep, yep, disa is da horse for-a sale."

"This horse here?" quizzes the old farmer, "Why he's a fine horse! Why everwould you sell him?"

"Well," sighs the Italian farmer, "He no looka so good anymore."

The old farmer, convinced that his neighbor has lost his mind, quickly buys the horse and leads it across his field over to his own stable. As he taps the horse gently on the back to coax him into the stable, he watches as the horse misses the door completely and smacks head first into the wall.

"That ol' cheat sold me a near blind horse!" growls the old farmer. He then storms across the field, reigns in hand, to give his neighbor a piece of his mind. "You sold me a near blind horse you ol' cheat and you didn't even tell me!" he screams.

"Eh! I tolla you!" cries the Italian farmer, "I say, 'he no looka so good anymore!'"

# International Competition

The Italian and the Polish parachutists were arguing about who was best at folding a parachute. Unable to resolve their dispute on the ground, they decided to go up in the plane and judge by the midair performance of their chutes.

The Pole jumped first, pulled the cord, and started floating toward the earth.

The Italian jumped, pulled the cord - and nothing happened. He pulled the safety cord - nothing. In a matter of seconds he whizzed past the Pole, plummeting like a stone.

"Oh," shouted the Pole, yanking off his harness, "so ya wanna race!"

# A Slight Accent

An African chieftain flew to the United States to visit the president. When he arrived at the airport, a host of newsmen and television cameramen met him. One of the reporters asked the chief if he had a comfortable flight.

The chief made a series of weird noises, "screech, scratch, honk, buzz, whistle, z-z-z-z-" and then added in perfect English, "Yes, I had a very nice flight."

Another reporter asked, "Chief, do you plan to visit the Washington Monument while you're in the area?"

The chief made the same noises, "screech, scratch, honk, buzz, whistle, z-z-z-z" and then said, "Yes, and I also plan to visit the White House and the Capitol Building."

"Where did you learn to speak such flawless English?" asked the next reporter. The chief replied, "Screech, scratch, honk, buzz, whistle,z-z-z-z - from the short-wave radio.

# Another Chance

Sara Goldstein was employed by a clothing firm in New York. She and her widowed mother shared the same ambition: marriage to a wealthy man.

One day she returned from work, eyes red from crying. As soon as she entered the apartment she called, "Mama, I'm pregnant and the father of my unborn child is my boss."

The next morning, the mother charged into the office of the boss. "You bastard," she shouted, "What do you intend to do about the situation you've created for my daughter?"

The elegantly attired man, handsome and unmarried and in his mid thirties, held up his hand: "Please take a seat, Mrs. Goldstein. I'm making all the arrangements. Your daughter will have the best doctor money can buy before the baby is born. She'll be in the best hospital. And for afterward I am arranging for a trust fund for her where she will receive a check for twenty five hundred dollars a month."

The mother was taken aback and thought for a moment. "Tell me," she said, "God forbid, she should have a miscarriage, will you give her another chance?

# I Won't Tell

A young Irish lad and two of his buddies are walking through the town, when the lad stops in front of the church and tells his friends to wait for him while he goes in for a quick confession. He takes his seat in the confessional and tells the priest that he has had premarital sex.

"Who was the girl?" asks the priest.

"I wouldn't feel right telling even you father," responds the lad.

"Was it Maggie O'toul?" asks the priest.

"No father."

"Was it Mary O'Donald?"

"No father."

"Then was it Becky O'Brien?"

"No father."

"You're not going to tell me are you lad?"

"No father."

"Well then say fifty hail Marys and never do it again" says the priest.

When the lad emerges from the church his buddies immediately ask him if he had to tell the priest who the girl was.

"No," responds the lad, "but I sure got some good leads."

# Norwegian Math

Two Norwegians were trying to measure a flagpole. The problem was that when they tried to shinny up the flagpole with the measuring tape they would not be able to make it to the top without sliding back down before they could get a measurement. A Swede came by an observed this for a few minutes and then offered assistance. The two Norwegians stood back and expected the Swede to try and shinny up the pole, but instead he took the pole out of the hole and laid it on the ground. He then measured the length of the pole then the depth of the hole and then subtracted to give them the height of the flagpole.

After the Swede left one of the Norwegians turned to the other and said, "Isn't that just like a Swede -- we want to know how high it is and he tells us how long it is."

# Blondes in Canada

Two blondes were driving in Canada and got lost. Finally they came into a city. They saw a gentleman on the sidewalk, so the blonde driving pulled up to the curb, and the blonde passenger rolls down her window and asked:

"Excuse me, sir. Where are we?"

The gentleman on the street replied, "Saskatoon, Saskatchewan."

The blonde passenger rolled up the window, turned to the driver and said:

"We really are lost. They don't even speak English here!"

# Identity Crisis

Three little black boys were concerned because they couldn't get anyone to play with them. They thought maybe it was because they weren't baptized. So they went to the nearest church. Only the janitor was there.

The oldest boy said, "We's got to be baptized cause no one will play with us. Will you baptize us?"

So the janitor took them in the bathroom and dunked their heads in the toilet bowl one at a time. He said, "Now go out and play. Go see the preacher on Sunday."

When they got outside dripping wet the oldest one asked, "What religion are we?"

"We're not Catlick cause they pour the water ... " one said "And we's not Baptist cause they dunk your whole body all the way under."

The littlest one said, "I smelled dat water and I knows what we are: -- we's Pisscopalians"

# Cause and Effect

Well, Ole's old lady was pregnant.So, he brought her to the doctor. The doctor delivered the baby, a little boy, and thedoctor looked over at Ole and said, "Hey Ole, guy! You just had a son!"

Ole got excited by this, but just then the Doctor spoke up and said, "Hold on! We ain't finished yet!" The doctor then delivered a little girl. He said, "Yumpin yimminy! Ole, youse gots a daughter!"

Ole was kind of puzzled by this, and then the doctor says,"Hold on, we ain't finished yet!" The doctor then delivered another boy. He said, "Ole, you bugger... you just had anudder boy! But Dats it!"

So, Ole and his wife went home with the three children. When they got home, they began talking. Ole said, "Lena... you remember dat night? We ran out of Vaseline and had ta use dat 3-in-1 Oil." She said, "Yeah-hey!".

He said, "By cripes, it's a good ting we didn't use dat WD-40!"

# An Ounce of Prevention

An Irishman named O'Malley went to his doctor after a long illness.

The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked O'Malley in the eye and said, "I've some bad news for you. You have cancer, and it can't be cured. You'd best put your affairs in order."

O'Malley was shocked and saddened. But, being of solid character, he managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room. To his son who had been waiting, O'Malley said, "Well son, we Irish celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer. Let's head for the pub and have a few pints."

After 3 or 4 pints, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of O'Malley's old friends who asked what the two were celebrating.

O'Malley told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad. He went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends, "I have been diagnosed with AIDS." The friends gave O'Malley their condolences, and they had a couple more beers.

After his friends left, O'Malley's son leaned over and whispered his confusion. "Dad, I thought you said that you were dying from cancer? You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS!"

O'Malley said, " I don't want any of them sleeping with your mother after I'm gone."

# Lost at Sea

Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp.

Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.

Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer!"

The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.

Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going Patrick! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat."

# Construction Workers

An Irishman, a Mexican and a Polack were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of the building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off of this building".

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed."Burritos again! if I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."

The Polack opened his lunch and said,"Polish Sausage again. If I get Polish sausage one more time I'm jumping as well."

Next day the Irishman opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and cabbage and jumps to his death.

The Mexican opens his lunch box, sees a burrito and jumps too.

The Polack opens his lunch, sees the Polish sausage and jumps to his death also.

At the funeral The Irishman's wife is weeping. She says,"if I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage I never would have given it to him again!"

The Mexican's wife also weeps and says,"I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much.

Everyone turned and stared at the Polack's wife. "Hey, don't look at me" she said." He made his own lunch."

# Dating Advise

Sadie and Yetta, two elderly Jewish widows, are talking:

Sadie: "That nice Morris Finkleman asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."

Yetta: "Vell.... I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctual like a clock. An like such a mench he is dressed. Fine suit, wonderful lining. And he brings me such beautiful flowers you could die from. Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but such a beautiful car..... a limousine even, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for a dinner.....Marvelous dinner. Lobster even. Den ve go see a show....let me tell you Sadie, I enjoyed it so much I could just die from pleasure!

So then we are coming back to my apartment, and into an ANIMAL he turns. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times!"

Sadie: "Oy! Vey... so you are tellink me I shouldn't go out with him?"

Yetta: "No... I'm just saying that if you go, wear an old dress!"

# Chinese Jews

Sid and Al are Jews and were sitting in a Chinese restaurant. Sid asked Al, "Are there any Jews in China?"

"I don't know," Sid replied. "Why don't we ask our Chinese waiter?"

When the waiter came by, Al asked him, "Are there any Chinese Jews?" He said "I don't know sir, let me ask," and he went into the kitchen.

He returned in a few minutes and said, "No, sir. No Chinese Jews."

"Are you sure?" Al asked.

"I will check again, sir." replied the waiter, then went back to the kitchen.

While he was still gone, Sid said, "I cannot believe there are no Jews in China, Our people are scattered everywhere."

When he returned Al said, "Sir, no Chinese Jews."

"Are you really sure?" Al asked again. "I cannot believe there are no Chinese Jews."

Exasperated, the waiter frantically said "Sir, I ask everyone!" "We have orange jews, prune jews, tomato jews and grape jews, but no one ever hear of Chinese jews!"

# Just in Case *

Three old black ladies were getting ready to take a plane across the ocean.

The first lady said, "I don't know about y'all, but I'm gonna wear me some hot pink underwear before I get on dat plane."

"Why you gonna wear dat?" the other two asked.

The first replied,"Because, if dat plane is gonna crash and I'm out there laying butt-up in a corn field, dey gonna see my butt."

The second lady says, "Well, I'm a-gonna wear me some fluorescent orange underwear."

"Why you gonna wear dat?" the others asked.

The second lady answered: "Because if dis here plane is gonna crash and I'm floating butt-up in the ocean, dey gonna see my butt"!!

The third old lady says, "Well, I'm not going to wear any underwear."

"What? No underwear?!" the others said in disbelief.

"Dat's right; you heard me. I'm not wearing any underwear," the third lady said,"because if dis plane crashes, dey always look for dat black box first!!!

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Bad Response

Those in Minnesota may not know this but Ole was shot. He was up with his 4-wheeler cutting some trees by the Canadian border.

Some rangers looking for terrorists spotted him and, using the loudspeaker, shouted to him "Who are you and what are you doing?"

Ole shouted back "OLE...BIN LOGGIN'!"

# Sand Box Squabble

It was recess and the pre-schoolers came in. The teacher asked Susie what she did today. ''Well, I played in the sandbox,'' she said. The teacher said, ''If you can spell sand, I'll give you a fresh-baked cookie.'' So Susie did.

Then Billy came in and the teacher asked what he did. ''I played in the sandbox with Susie,'' he said. ''If you can spell sand, I'll give you a cookie,'' the teacher said. So Billy did.

Then the little Russian boy said, ''Well, I wanted to play in the sandbox, but Billy and Susie were throwing rocks at me.''

The teacher said, ''Well, that sounds like discrimination. If you can spell that, I'll give you a cookie.'

# Jewish Funeral

A funeral service is being held in a synagogue for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pallbearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall jarring the casket.

They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.

She lives for 10 more years and then dies. A ceremony is again held at the same synagogue and at the end of the service the pallbearers are again carrying out the casket.

As they are walking, her son-in-law cries out, "Watch out for the wall!

# Ed Zachery Disease

There once was a very distraught woman, who was upset because she had not had a date in quite some time. She decided she would seek the medical expertise of Dr. Kayoto, the very well-known Japanese sex therapist. After stepping into his office and explaining her problem, he asked her to take off all her clothes.

"Now," he said. "Get down and craw reery reery srory to odder side of room." The woman did.

"Now," he said. "Now craw reery reery fass back to me." The woman did. The Dr. looked at her mournfully and said "I vely solly. Your probrem vewy bad, you haf Ed Zachery Disease."

"Ed Zachery Disease? What's that?"

"Vewy sad. It's when your face rook Ed Zachery rike your ass."

# A Down Under Virgin

An American woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man who has never been with a woman sexually.

After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad. She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian Outback. And after a long-distance courtship, they decide to get married.

On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the festivities. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner.

"What happened?" she asks.

"I've never been with a woman," he says. "But if it's anything like screwing a kangaroo I'm gonna need all the room I can get!

# Matzo Ball Soup

One day George W. went out to dinner with a Jewish friend. The friend recommended a kosher place nearby.

They arrived and Dubya's friend ordered them both the house specialty: matzo ball soup. The waiter brought the bowls and George looked at the soup suspiciously, but his friend urged him to try at least one taste. So he took a bite of matzo ball and slurped some soup and clearly liked it.

After Dubya was finished he said, "Mmm mmm, that was good! But tell me, do you Jewish folks eat other parts of the matzo, or just the balls?"

# Charles deGaulle Retires *

When Charles deGaulle decided to retire from public life, the British ambassador and his wife threw a gala dinner party in his honor. At the dinner table, the Ambassador's wife was talking with Madame deGaulle: "Your husband has been such a prominent public figure, such a presence on the French and international scene for so many years! How quiet retirement will seem in comparison. What are you most looking forward to in these retirement years?"

"A penis," replied Madame deGaulle.

A huge hush fell over the table. Everyone heard her answer... and no one knew what to say next.

Le Grand Charles leaned over to his wife and said, "Ma cherie, I believe ze English pronounce zat word, 'appiness!'"

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# The English Patient

An English guy was very ill and his son went to visit him in the hospital. Suddenly, the father began to breathe heavily and grabbed the pen and pad by the bed. With his last ounce of strength he wrote a note, dropped it, and died.

The son was so overcome with grief that he didn't remember slipping the note into his pocket. At the funeral, he reached into the pocket of his coat and immediately felt the note. He excitedly read it thinking it might be something he could recite during the service. It said:

YOU IDIOT -- GET OFF MY OXYGEN TUBE!!!

# No Surgery Required *

A businessman returns from the middle east. After a few days he notices stange growth on his penis. He sees several doctors. They all say: "You've been screwing around in the middle east, very common there, no cure. We'll have to cut it off."

The man panics, but figures if it is common in the Aisa they must know how to cure it. So he goes back and sees a doctor in Pakistan. The doctor examines him and says, "You've been fooling around in my country. This is a very common problem here. Did you see any other doctors?"

The man replies, "Yes, a few back home in the States."

The doctor says, "I bet they told you it had to be cut off."

The man answers, "Yes!"

The doctor smiles, nods, "That is not correct. It will fall off by itself."

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# A Fly in the Beer

One day, an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They proceeded to each buy a pint of Guinness.

Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints and got stuck in the thick head.

The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust and ordered another one.

The Scotsman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened.

The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and then started yelling: "AH BEGORRAH! SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT!"

# How Canada was Named

There were three explorers, hiking through what is now known as Canada.

"You know," said one of the explorers, "we should name this place we're hiking through."

"I know," said the second explorer. "We'll each pick a letter and then make a name out of that."

"Okay," said the third, "I'll go first. C, eh."

"N, eh."

"D, eh."

And that's how they named Canada..

# The Train to London

During WW II an American soldier had been on the front lines in Europe for three months, when he was finally given a week of R & R. He caught a supply boat to a supply base in the south of England, and then caught a train to London.

The train was extremely crowded and he could not find a seat. He was dead on his feet and walked the length of the train looking for any place to sit down. Finally he found a compartment with seats facing each other; there was room for two people on each seat. On one side sat only a proper looking, older British lady with a small dog sitting in the empty seat beside her.

Could I please sit in that seat?" he asked. The lady was insulted. "You bloody Americans are so rude," she said. "Can't you see my dog is sitting there?" He walked through the train once more and still could not find a seat. He found himself back at the same place.

"Lady, I love dogs - have a couple at home - so I would be glad to hold your dog if I could sit down," he said. The lady replied, "You Americans are not only rude you are arrogant too."

He leaned against the wall for a time, but was so tired he finally said, "Lady, I've been on the front lines in Europe for three months with not a decent rest for all that time. Could I please sit there and hold your dog?" The lady replied, "You Americans are not only rude and arrogant, you are also obnoxious!"

With that comment, the soldier calmly stepped in, picked up the dog, threw it out the window, and sat down. The lady was speechless. An older, neatly dressed Englishman sitting across on the other seat spoke up.

"Young man, I do not know if all you Americans fit the lady's description of you or not. But I do know that you Americans do a lot of things wrong. You drive on the wrong side of the road, you hold your fork with the wrong hand, and now you have just thrown the wrong bitch out of the window."

# Two Irishmen in a Pub

Two men are sitting next to each other in an Irish-style pub in New York City. They both order pints of Guinness. One of them turns to the other and says "So where are you from, then?"

"I'm from Ireland."

"Me too! I'll drink to that." They both finish their pints and order two more.

"Where in Ireland are you from?"

"Dublin."

"Me too! I'll drink to that." They both finish their pints and order two more.

"Where in Dublin are you from?"

"The East Side."

"The East Side? Me too! What a coincidence! I'll drink to that!" They both finish their pints and order two more.

"Where on the East Side are you from?"

"McDonagh Street."

"Me too! This is incredible! I'll drink to that."

As the bartender pours them another two pints, another customer at the bar says to him, "That's amazing! I can't believe they're from the same street in Dublin. What's going on?"

"Oh, it's nothing amazing," says the bartender,"it's just the Ferguson twins getting sloshed again."

# Whiskey on My Grave

There once were two Irishmen, named Shawn and Pat, who were the best of friends. During one particular night of revelry, the two agreed that when one passed on, the other would take and spill the contents of a bottle of fine, Irish whiskey over the grave of the fondly missed and recently dead friend.

And as fate would have it, Shawn would be the first to pass.

Pat, hearing of his friend's illness, came to visit his dear friend one last time.

"Shawn," said Pat, "can you hear me?"

Faintly, Shawn replied, "Yes, Paddy, I can."

Bashfully, Pat started, "Do you remember our pact, Shawn?"

"Yes, I do Patty," Shawn strained.

"And, you'll also remember that I was to pour the contents of a fine, old bottle of whiskey over your grave, which we have been saving for, going on 30 years now?" said Pat.

"Yes Patty, I do," whispered Shawn.

''It's a very 'old' bottle now, you know," urged Pat.

"And what are you gettin' at Pat?" asked Shawn, briskly.

"Well Shawn, when I pour the whiskey over your grave, would ya mind if I filter it through my kidneys first?"

# Mild Irish Temper

Three Englishmen were getting soused in a pub, when they spotted an Irishman sitting off in the corner.

To have a little fun, one of them approached him. "Did y'know that St. Patrick was a sissy and a queer?"

"Oh, no, I dinnae know that. Thank ye."

The man returned to his friends, complaining that it hadn't worked.

The second decided to try. "Did y'know that St. Patrick was a transvestite and a child molester?"

"Oh, no, I dinnae know that either. Thank ye."

The second man returned to his friends, amazed that it hadn't worked.

The third man knew he had the solution. "Did y'know that St. Patrick was an Englishman?"

"Oh, no. But after all the other things I've heard about him tonight, it doesn't surprise me a bit."

# Bound for Heaven

Father Murphy goes into a local bar in Dublin and approaches the first man he sees. "Do you want to go to Heaven?" he asks and the man says, "Indeed I do, Father."

"Then for God's sake," commands the priest, "leave this pub right now."

He then goes to the next man, "Do you want to go to Heaven, my son?"

And the man answers, "Yes Father, indeed I want to do that very thing."

"Then ye must get out of this pub right now!" orders the priest.

Father Murphy continues this throughout the pub until he comes to the last man. "Do you want to go to Heaven, man?!" exhorts the priest.

The man looks at his half-full beer, turns, looks at Father Murphy and says, "No, I don't,Father."

"You mean to tell me, young man, that when you die, you don't want to go to Heaven?" asks the priest incredulously.

"Oh, well, when I die, yes Father, I certainly do. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now!"

# The Last to Know

The Englishman's, Irishman's and Scotsman's wives go shopping one day to a big department store. While they are there a fire breaks out. Everyone in the store is killed, including the three women. Their husbands are summoned to the local police station where a policewoman breaks the news to them: "I'm afraid sirs, that we believe your wives were killed in the fire at the department store. However the fire was so intense we cannot identify the bodies. Only their handbags survived the blaze. Can you identify your wives' handbags from these three found in the store?"

The three men all look at the handbags and each one is able to identify one of the handbags as belonging to his wife. With all handbags accounted for the policewoman leaves the men to deal with their grief in peace. The three men sit in silence for a while, then the Englishman opens his wife's handbag and rummages through the contents, finally pulling out a half-empty packet of cigarettes and says "All these years married and I never knew the old girl smoked."

The Scotsman looks into his wife's handbag and pulls out a half-empty bottle of scotch. "Jings, I knew her all that time an ah didnae ken ma missus drank."

The Irishman empties his wife's handbag onto the floor, looks through the contents and picks up a half empty packet of condoms. "'Saints preserve us! All dese years an oi never knew me wife was a man.

# Heaven and Hell Compared

One night, God spoke to a preacher to tell him what he wanted him to do.

After God had briefed him on his mission, the minister decided to ask him a question.

"God," he said, "What is heaven like?"

God replied, "Well, normally I don't tell people this, but since you are my servant, I guess I can tell you. Heaven will be like a city. It will have the best of everything. For example, the French will be the chefs; the Italians will be the lovers; the English will be the policeman; the Germans will be the mechanics; and the Dutch will be the politicians!"

The preacher looked pleased. "What is hell like?" he asked.

"Well," God said with a sigh, "the French will be the mechanics; the Italians will be the politicians; the English will be the chefs; the Germans will be the policemen; and the Dutch will be the lovers.

# I'm Going Back to Italy *

Antonio sees his old friend in an outdoor cafe in Rome, walks up to him and says: "Hey Angello, youa suppose to be on vacation ina New Yorka."

Angello says; " I comea back early - cause they no treata me so well."

"Whata you mean they no treata you so well?" asks Antonio

"I getta to New Yorka an cheka into a bigga fancy hotel. Ina morning I go to eat brekfast. I tella waitress I wanna two pissis toast. She brings me only one piss. I tella her I want two piss. She says 'go to the resta room.' I say 'you no understand. I wanna two piss onna my plate.' She say 'you better not not piss on plate you sonna ma bitch.'

Later I go to eat at the bigga restaurant. The waitress brings me a spoon and knife but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock. She tell me everyone does. I tella her you no understand, I wanna fock on the table. She say 'better not fock on table, you sonna ma bitch.' I don't even know the lady and she call me a sonna ma bitch.

So I go to my room inna hotel. I go to getta ina bed and there is no sheit. I call the manager and tella him I wanna a sheit. He tella me go to the batha room. I say you no understand, I wanna sheit on my bed. He say 'you better not sheit on bed you sonna ma bitch.' I don't even know the man and he call me a sonna ma bitch.

Now I'ma really mad. I packa my suitcase and take a cab to the airport. I start to walk ina terminal and three younga men in white togas with shaved heads come over to me - hand me a flower and say, ''Peace unto you''.

"I say 'Piss unto you too, you sonna ma bitch.' I gonna back to Italy"

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Irish Drunk Driver

Late one Friday in Dublin, a policeman spotted a man driving very erratically. He pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening.

''Aye, so I have. 'Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called 'Happy Hour' and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o' those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and o' course I had to go in for a couple of Guinness -- couldn't be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later...'' And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection.

The officer sighed, and said, ''Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test.''

''Why? Don't ye believe me?'

# The Lad's First Kilt

In Scotland, the most important time for a young lad is when he "comes of age" and is allowed to purchase and wear his first kilt.

A couple of weeks before, his important birthday, a young lad went to a tailor shop and found the material he wanted for his first kilt. He took the material to the tailor and said, "I'd like ye to make me a kilt with this material here and, if ye don't mind, I'd like ye to make me a pair of matching underwear for it. I hear it gets a might drafty up dem tings!"

So the tailor took the material and promised to call the young lad when the order was completed.

A few days later, the tailor called the lad back to the shop. "Here's ye kilt, and here's ye matching underwear, and here's five yards of the material left over. Ye might want to take it home and keep it in case you want anything else made of it."

So the lad rushed home with his order, threw the material in his room, and donned his kilt. In his excitement, he decided to run to his girlfriend's house to show off his new purchase.

Unfortunately, in his haste, he forgot to don his underwear.

When his girlfriend answered the door, he pointed to his kilt and said, "well, what'd ye think?"

"Ah, but dat's a fine looking kilt," she exclaimed.

"Aye, and if ye like it, ye'll really like what's underneath," he stated as he lifted his kilt to show her.

Oh, but dat's a dandy," his girlfriend shouted admiringly.

Still not realizing that he didn't have his underwear on he exclaimed quite proudly, "aye, and if ye like it, I've got five more yards of it at home!

# Meet the Family

A young Irish lad had fallen in love with a girl and felt the relationship had gone far enough to take her home to meet his family.

So, one fine Sunday evening the lad, his lady friend and the rest of the family (17 or so people) were gathered around the dining room table.

The matriarch or the family asked the girlfriend, "So, tell me, lass, what is your occupation?"

The girl hesitated and said, "Well, Mrs. O'Malley, I'm a prostitute."

Immediately the lad's mother fainted and was surrounded by a dozen family members who splashed her face with water. Finally, she regained consciousness, returned to her seat. Soon, the family calmed down and resumed the meal.

At that point, the mother asked again, "Forgive me, dearie. I don't think I heard you correctly.... what is your occupation?"

Again the girl answered, "Mrs. O'Malley, I'm a prostitute."

The mother laughed and said, "Oh my, dearie, for a moment there I thought you said you were a Protestant!

# The Border Guard

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his motorcycle. He's got two large saddle bags over the back of the motorcycle. The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?"

"Sand," answered Juan.

The guard says, "We'll just see about that. Get off the bike." The guard takes the bags, empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags.

The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into the saddle bags, hefts them onto the back of the motorcycle, and lets him cross the border.

A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?"

"Sand," says Juan.

The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his motorcycle.

This sequence of events if repeated every day for three years. Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico.

"Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about..... I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"

Juan sips his beer and says, "motorcycles."

# Out-of-Town Dining

A Texan, a Russian, and a New Yorker go into a restaurant in London.

''Excuse me, but if you wanted the steak you might not get one as there is a shortage due to the mad cow disease,'' says the waiter.

The Texan says, ''What's a shortage?''

The Russian says, ''What's a steak?''

The New Yorker says, ''What's excuse me?'

# Canada's Worst Air Disaster

Regular programming was interrupted by a news flash. In a very solemn voice the news commentator announced:

"Canada's worst air disaster occurred today when a small two-seater Cessna crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in central Newfoundland. Newfie firemen and paramedics have recovered 826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening."

# Dying for Some Lefse

Ole was on his death bed. But before he died, he wanted to have one last taste of lefse (potato crepe).

Even as weak as he was, he was able to crawl out of bed and go down the stairs to the kitchen. After about 20 minutes of agonizing pain he reached the kitchen. Opening the refrigerator door he slowly reached for the lefse.

He was just about to grab it when suddenly a hand came out from nowhere, slapped his hand, and a voice boomed out, "Ole, that's for the Funeral!

# Mysterious Happenings

There was this case in the hospital's Intensive Care ward where patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning at 11 a.m., regardless of their medical condition.

This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it had something to do with the supernatural. Why the death? So the doctors decide to go down to the ward to investigate the cause of the incidents. So on the next Sunday morning few minutes before 11 a.m., all doctors and nurses nervously wait outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to ward off the evil........ Just when the clock struck 11....

Sven, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so that he could use the vacuum cleaner.

# English Prisoner of War

An English prisoner of war was held by the Germans. The Englishman was shot all over the place, and okay until one day when the German told him, "Englander, your arm is infected with gangrene vee must cut it off."

The English prisoner said, "Well, okay, but could you drop it over England when you go bombing?"

The German replied, "Ya, that vill not be a problem."

A few weeks later the German tells the Englishman that they have to cut his other arm off. The Englishman says, "Well, could drop it over England like you did last time?"

"Ya, that vill be done," says the German.

The next day the German tells him that they have to cut his leg off. Once again the Brit says, "Well, could you do the same as before?"

The German replies, "Vhy, ya."

The next the German tells him they have to cut his other leg. "Well," begins the Brit, "could you just..."

The German snapped, "No! We think you are trying to escape!"

# The Best Pubs Around

A Scottish man, an Englishman and an Irishman were sitting in a pub discussing the best pubs around.

The Englishman says, ''There's a pub in the West Midlands where the landlord buys you a drink for every drink that you buy.''

The Scot is not impressed and says, ''That's nothing! In the Highlands every time you buy a drink the landlord buys you five.'' At this point the Englishman is fairly impressed.

The Irishman, totally unimpressed, says ''That's nothing. In Dublin there's this pub filled with beautiful women where the barmaid buys your drinks all night, and then when the bar closes she takes you to her room and has sex with you.''

The Scot and Englishman are well impressed and ask if the Irishman goes there a lot.

He replies ''No, my sister told me about it.'

# The Deserted Island

On a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded: 2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman, 2 French men and 1 French woman, 2 German men and 1 German woman, 2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman, 2 English men and 1 English woman, 2 Polish men and 1 Polish woman, 2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman, 2 Australian men and 1 Australian woman, 2 New Zealander men and 1 New Zealander woman, 2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman, 2 American men and 1 American woman. One month later, the following things have occurred....

One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

The two French men and the French woman are living happily together, having loads of sex.

The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with the German woman.

The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.

The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.

The Polish men took a long look at the endless ocean and one look at the Polish woman and they started swimming.

The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are waiting for instructions.

The two Australian men beat each other senseless fighting over the Australian woman, who called them both "bloody wankers" and is checking out all the other men.

Both New Zealand men are searching the island for sheep.

The Irish began by dividing the island into North and South and setting up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few liters of coconut whiskey, but they are satisfied in that at least the English are not getting any.

The American woman keeps on bitching about her body being her own, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything that they can do, about the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how her last boyfriend respected her opinions and treated her much nicer and how her relationship with her mother is improving. The two American men have committed suicide

# Japanese Pizza

An American businessman goes to Japan on a business trip, but he hates Japanese food, so he asks the concierge at his hotel if there's any place around where he can get American food. The concierge tells him he's in luck; there's a pizza place that just opened, and they deliver. The concierge gives the businessman the phone number, and he goes back to his room and orders a pizza.

Thirty minutes later, the delivery guy shows up to the door with the pizza. The businessman takes the pizza, and starts sneezing uncontrollably. He asks the delivery man, ''What the heck did you put on this pizza?''

The delivery man bows deeply and says, ''We put on the pizza what you ordered, pepper only."

# Collision Course

Transcript of the actual radio conversation of a US Naval Ship with Canadian autorities off the coast of Newfoundland:

Canadian: "Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision."

Americans: "Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision."

Canadians: "Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision."

Americans: "This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert your course."

Canadians: "No. I say again, you must divert your course."

Americans: "This is the aircraft carrier USS Lincoln, the second largest ship in the United States Atlantic fleet. We are accompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers, and numerous support vessels. I demand that you change your course 15 degrees north, I say again, that's one five degrees north, or counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship."

Canadians: "This is a lighthouse. Your call"

# International Sex Research *

Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft. The study took two years and cost over $1.2 million. The study concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft was to provide the man with more pleasure during sex.

After the results were published, France decided to conduct their own study on the same subject. They were convinced that the results of the British study was incorrect. After three years of research at a cost of in excess of $2 million, the French researchers concluded that the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft to provide the woman with more pleasure during sex.

When the results of the French study were released, Canada decided to conduct their own study. The Canucks didn't really trust British or French studies. So, after nearly three weeks of intensive research and a cost of right around $75.00, the Canadian study was complete.

They concluded that the reason the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to prevent your hand from flying off and hitting you in the forehead!

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# The Kilt Mystery

A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path after finishing off a large amount of whisky at a local pub. He felt quite sleepy and decided to nap against a tree.

As he slept, two female tourists heard his loud snoring. When they found him, one said, "I've always wondered what a Scotsman wears under his kilt."

She boldly walked over to the sleeper, raised his kilt, and saw that he wore nothing at all. Her friend said, "Well, the mystery is solved! Let's thank him for sharing!"

She took off her pretty blue hair ribbon and gently tied it around the Scotsman's endowment. A while later, the Scotsman was awakened by the call of nature. He raised his kilt and was bewildered at the sight of the neatly tied blue ribbon. He stared for a minute, then said, "I don't know where y'been laddie... but it's nice ta see you won firrrst prrrize!"

# Gay Bar in Dublin **

A gay American businessman is on a trip to Ireland. After he has conducted his business and had dinner, he goes out looking for some action. He finds the only gay bar in Dublin and there are only two other patrons, beside himself, in the bar.

He asks the bartender what he's doing after closing and the bartender tells the guy he is straight. Then the businessman asks about the two guys sitting at the other end of the bar.

"Oh, that's Gerald and Patrick a couple of the locals," says the bartender.

"Are they gay or straight?" asks the businessman.

"Oh the're gay alright, but they've recently started dating and it would be impossible to break them up. They seem to be made for each other."

"Why do you think that?" inquires the businessman.

"Because that's Gerald Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzgerald."

_** Risque_

# Multilingual Parrot

A man wanted to buy a parrot, so he goes to the pet shop and enquires about their stock. The attendant shows him a parrot which is quite exceptional in that it speaks any language you want. Intrigued by this, the man decides to test the bird by asking it a few questions:

Man: "Do you speak English?"

Parrot: "Yes."

Man: "Hablas Espanol?"

Parrot: "Si!"

Man: "Parlez vouz Francaise?"

Parrot: "Oui!"

Man: "Sprechen sie Deutsch?"

Parrot: "Jawohl!"

Man: "Falas Portugues?"

Parrot: "Sim."

etc.

After all his options were exhausted, the man thought for a while, then asked the parrot, "Do you speak Yiddish?"

The parrot shrugs its shoulders and says, "Nu? Mit a beak like dis, vot you tink?"

# The Three Day Pass

An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3-day pass.

The CO says "Are you crazy? You just join the Israeli army, and you already want a 3-day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!"

So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank!

The CO was so impressed, he approved the three day pass and asked "How did you do it?"

"Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Arabs. I approached the border, and saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up, the Arab tank put his white flag up. I said to the Arab soldier, "Do you want to get a three-day pass? So we exchanged tanks!"

# Constipated Russian

With modern medical conveniences coming into Russia since the USSR's breakup, many Russians still have to learn how to do things that westerners understand from modern culture.

One Doctor working in an outback part of the country was visited by a old Russian man with severe constipation. Being in a hurry, the doctor gave the poor Russian some suppositories and sent him away with a scheduled checkup in three days. Three days passed and the old Russian man arrived back at the doctors.

"So how did those work for ya?", the doctor asked.

The old Russian, with a look of disgust replied: "Doctor! They tasted like shit; They stuck in my throat; and for as much good as they did me, I might as well have shoved them up my ass!"

# Irish Border Guard

Five Englishmen are in an Audi Quattro. They arrive at the Irish border checkpoint. Paddy, the officer in charge, stops them and tells them: "'It's illegal to put five people in a Quattro."

"What do you mean it is illegal?" asked the Englishmen.

"Quattro means four" replies Paddy.

"Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the Englishmen retorts disbelievingly. "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry five passengers."

"Oi! You can't pull that one on me," replies Paddy. "Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and are therefore breaking the law."

The Englishmen replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over - I want to speak to someone with more bloody intelligence!!!"

"Sorry," responds Paddy, "'Sergeant Murphy is busy with two guys in a Fiat Uno."

# Halloween Party

A black man and his wife were going to a Halloween party in a couple of days. The husband tells his wife to go to the store and get costumes for them to wear. When he comes home that night he goes to the bedroom and laid out on the bed is a Superman costume.

The husband yells at his wife, "What are you doing? Have you ever heard of a black Superman? Take this back and get me something else I can wear."

The next day the wife not too happy, returns the costume and gets a replacement. The husband comes home from work once more and there laid out on the bed was a Batman costume. He again yells at his wife, "What are you doing? Have you ever heard of a black Batman? Take this back and get me something I can wear to the costume party."

By this time the wife is irate, so the next morning she goes shopping. When the husband comes home again from work there laid out on the bed are three items. One is a set of three white buttons, another is a white belt, and the third item is a 2 x 4 of wood.

The husband yells at the wife, "What the hell are these for?"

The wife yells back, "You can take your clothes off and take the three white buttons and put them on the front of you and go as a domino, and if you don't like that one, you can take the belt and put it on and go as an Oreo cookie, and if you don't like that one, you can stick the 2 x 4 up your ass and go as a fudgesicle!

# Robot Caddy

A golfer walks into the clubhouse of the local country club. He tells the golf pro behind the counter that he wants to do 18 and he is going to need a caddy. The golf pro informs him that the country club is running a promotion and if he tries out one of their experimental robot caddies, he can golf for free. The golfer agrees and takes out the robot. While on the golf course the robot caddy tells the golfer the wind speed, distance, even how hard to hit which club. He has the best game of his life.

The next time the golfer goes to the country club, he tells the golf pro that he wants to do 18 holes and that he wants to get one of the robot caddies.

He informs the golfer that they don't have the robot caddies anymore. The golfer, all upset, tells him how great they were and asks him what happened.

The golf pro tells him that members were complaining that the sun would reflect of their metallic material and into their eyes.

The golfer asks him why they didn't just paint the robots black?

The golf pro said that they did, but the next day, three of them didn't show up and the other three robbed the pro shop.

# Cheese from Heaven

A Mexican family crosses over the border to the Land of Milk and Honey where the streets are paved with gold. But the husband can find no work.

His family is hungry, so he takes a walk to a quiet place at the foot of a big hill, kneels at the base of a tree, and begins to pray: "Sweet Jesus, please show me a way to feed my family..."

Eyes closed, the Mexican does not see the black man coming over the top of the hill, who is stumbling wildly with a broken grocery sack. When the Mexican man opens his eyes, a large wheel of cheddar cheese rolls down the hill an lands at his feet!

"Oh, thank you Jesus, thank you!" he cries, grabs the cheese, and runs straight home. Upon returning home, he gives the cheese to his wife and instructs her to make nachos.

"But wouldn't you rather have cheese enchiladas and burritos and other things?" she inquires. "No," the husband says, "Jesus sent this to me with a message... As I ran home,

I kept hearing Him yell, ' THAT'S NACHO CHEESE! THAT'S NACHO CHEESE!'

# Coming Out Party

A U.S. Navy cruiser pulled into port in Mississippi for a week's liberty.The first evening, the Captain was more than a little surprised to receive the following letter from the wife of a wealthy plantation owner:

"Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter Melinda's, coming of age party. I would like you to send four well mannered, handsome, unmarried officers. They should arrive at 8 p.m. prepared for an evening of polite southern conversation and dance with lovely young ladies. One last point: No, Mexicans. We don't like Mexicans."

Sure enough, at 8 p.m. on Thursday, the lady heard a rap at the door. She opened the door to find, in dress uniform, four exquisitely mannered, smiling black officers. Her jaw hit the floor, but pulling herself together she stammered, "There must be some mistake!"

"On no, madam," said the first officer, "Captain Martinez doesn't make mistakes."

# Sport Analogies

Two black guys, Leroy and Amos are sitting outside Leroy's gas station in rural Alabama having an RC Cola. Leroy says "It sure is hard being black. We get the bad end of the deal with every sport. Hockey is a bunch of white guys slappin a black puck around. Pool you have a white ball trying to knock the black ball and all the other colored balls in a hole."

"That's not entirely true," says Amos, "in bowling the shoe is on the other foot."

"How is that?" Says Leroy.

"Well," says Amos, "in bowling you have a big black ball knocking down a bunch of white rednecks."

# Yankee Truck Driver

A yankee truck driver is driving through a little town in Georgia with a truck load of bowling balls. In this town there are two redneck state troupers who hate yankee truck drivers with a passion. The truck driver sees the two and turns off at the next exit. He sees a little black boy on a bike hitch hicking he picks up the little boy but tells him, "you cant ride up here but you can ride in the back."

So he put's the little black boy and his bike in the back and get's back on the interstate. the two state cops see him again and pull him over they start giving him hell just looking for something to write him up for. They can't find anything so they are about to let him go then one says to the other, "We forgot to check the back."

So one goes to the back opens the doors, slams them back comes up to the truck driver. The cop is whiter than a ghost and scared as hell, and says "Get the hell out of my town, get the hell out of my county, get the hell out of my state and don't ever come back." So the truck driver leaves.

When they get back into the squad car one looks at the other and says "what the hell did you see back there that got you so upset?"

The other says, "That yankee trucker was hauling a load of black baby eggs from up North and one had already hatched and stolen a bike."

# Goodbye Old Friends **

There is an elderly, blind Russian man in a mental hospital that thinks he will die. So he asks the beautiful nurse to accomplish his last wish.

"Nurse," he says, "I want to kiss the head of Nikita Krustchov."

"Nikita Krustchov? But he is dead for a long time," says the nurse.

"I don't care. I want to kiss his head," the man says. "This is my last wish!"

The nurse doesn't know what to do. Then she thinks of something. Since the old man is blind, the nurse takes out of her bra her beautiful breast and offers it to the man. He holds it, caresses it, and is very moved.

"Oh my dear Nikita, my old friend! How happy I am to see you again!" he says.

He keeps kissing the breast. The nurse begins enjoying the whole situation.

"What about kissing president Eisenhower's head?" she asks.

"Yes! Is he here too?" the man asks.

"Of course he is here," she says, and offers him her other breast.

"Oh my dear president, how happy I am to see you here," says the man kissing Eisenhower again and again.

The nurse likes all that very much, so she asks the man again, "What about Fidel Castro?"

_** Risque_

# Men's Figure Skating

It is the Olympic men's figure skating. Out comes the Russian competitor, he skates around to some classical music in a slightly dull costume, performs some excellent leaps but without any great artistic feel for the music.

The Judges' scores read: Britain 5.8: Russia 5.9: United States 5.5: Ireland 6.0

Next comes the American competitor in a sparkling stars and stripes costume, skating to some rock and roll music. He gets the crowd clapping, but is not technically as good as the Russian. He slightly misses landing a triple Salchow and loses the center during a spin. But, artistically, it is a more satisfying performance.

The Judges' scores read: Britain 5.8: Russia 5.5: United States 5.9: Ireland 6.0

Finally out comes the Irish competitor wearing a tatty old donkey jacket, with his skates tied over his wellies. He reaches the ice, trips straight away and bangs his nose which starts bleeding. He tries to get up, staggers a few paces then slips again. He spends his entire 'routine' getting up then falling over again. Finally he crawls off the ice a tattered and bleeding mess.

The Judges' scores read: Britain 0.0: Russia 0.0: United States 0.0: Ireland 6.0

The other 3 judges turn to the Irish judge and demand in unison, "How the hell can you give that mess 6.0?!"

To which the Irish judge replies "You've gotta remember, it's damn slippery out there."

# Interpreting Old Symbols

A team of archaeologists were excavating in Israel when they came upon a cave. Written across the wall of the cave were the following symbols, in this order of appearance: A woman, a donkey, a shovel, a fish, and a Star of David. They decided that this was a unique find and the writings were atleast three thousand years old. They chopped out the piece of stone and had it brought to the museum where archaeologists from all over the world came to study the ancient symbols. They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss the meaning of the markings.

The President of the society stood up and pointed at the first drawing and said: "This looks like a woman. We can judge that this race was family oriented and held women in high esteem. You can also tell they were intelligent, as the next symbol resembles a donkey, so, they were smart enough to have animals help them till the soil."

"The next drawing looks like a shovel of some sort, which means they even had tools to help them."

"Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that if a famine had hit the earth, whereby the food didn't grow, they would take to the sea for food."

"The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews."

The audience applauded enthusiastically.

Suddenly a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and said, "Idiots! Hebrew is read from right to left. It says: "Holy Mackerel, Dig The Ass On That Woman!"

# Wrong Religion

There was an American basketball player named Bobby that had a tournament in Belfast. After one of his games he stepped outside for a breath of fresh air when he felt a gun in his back.

"What's your religion?" he heard the man growl.

Bobby had no real religion but he knew if he said he was Catholic and this guy was a Protestant he would kill him and if he said he was Protestant and the guy was Catholic he would kill him.

Thinking quickly he said "I'm Jewish."

The gunman replied, "Oh Allah I must be the luckiest Arab in all of Ireland."

# The Mexican Student

It was the first day of school and a new student named Martinez, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?' "

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Martinez, who had his hand up.

"Patrick Henry, 1775."

"Very good! Who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth' "?

Again, no response except from Martinez: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863," said Martinez.

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Martinez, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do."

She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans."

"Who said that?" she demanded.

Martinez put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."

The teacher glared and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?"

Again, Martinez. "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"

Martinez jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the teacher, "Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now, with almost a mob hysteria, someone said, "You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you."

Martinez frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001."

The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're in BIG trouble now!"

Martinez whispered, "Saddam Hussein, 2003."

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# The Jewish Samurai

Way back in the time of the samurai, there was a powerful emperor. This emperor needed a new head samurai. So, he sent out a message to everybody he knew for them to send a message to who they knew, and so forth.

A year passes, and only three people show up: a Japanese samurai, a Chinese samurai, and a Jewish samurai. The emperor asks the Japanese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head samurai.

The Japanese samurai opens up a matchbox, and out pops a little fly. WHOOOOOSH. The fly drops dead on the ground in 2 pieces!

The emperor says, "That is very impressive!"

Then the emperor asks the Chinese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head samurai. The Chinese samurai opens up a matchbox and out pops a little fly. WHOOOOOOSH. WOOOOOOOSH. The fly drops dead on the ground in 4 pieces!

The emperor says, "That is really impressive!"

Then the emperor asks the Jewish samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head samurai. The Jewish samurai thinks, "If it works for the other two..." So the Jewish samurai walks in, opens a matchbox,and out pops a little fly. WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSSSSHHHH! A gust of wind fills the room, but the fly is still buzzing around.

The emperor says in disappointment, "Why is the fly not dead?"

And the Jewish samurai replies - "Look closer, that fly has been circumcised!"

# Ten Lashes with a Whip

Three men are traveling in the Amazon: a Canadian, an American, and a Mexican. They get captured by a fierce tribe of Amazons. The tribe leader tells them they will be whipped for entering their territory.

The tribe chief says to the Candian, "What do you want on your back for your whipping?"

The Canadian responds, "I will take oil!"

So they put oil on his back, and a large Amazon whips him ten times. When he is finished the Canadian has these huge welts on his back, and he can hardly move.

The Amazons haul the Canadian away, and say to the Mexican, "What do you want on your back?"

"I will take nothing!, I will take my punishment like a real man!" says the Mexican, and he boldly stands there and takes his ten lashings without a single flinch.

Finally, it's the Yank's turn and the tribal chief asks: "What will you take on your back?"

And he responds - " I'll take the Mexican! "

# The Texan and the Aussie

A Texas Rancher goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie rancher and gets talking.

The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large."

Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, "We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows."

The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those?"

The Aussie, fed up with the Texan's bragging replies with an incredulous look, "What, don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas?"

# Feed the Cat

One day O'Leary decided to visit his friend Paddy and ask him for a favour.

"Paddy my friend", he said. "I'm going on holiday for a few weeks an I wanted to know if you could come around a couple a times a day to check up on me elderly ma, an feed me cat".

"No problem", replied Paddy. "You go an have a good time".

So the next day O'Leary left and headed for sunny Florida. However, after a week of him being there, he received a phone call from Paddy.

"Everything's ok over here", Paddy said. "Except you're cat. It's dead"!

"oly ell", replied O'Leary. "You could have been a bit more sensitive Paddy"!

"What do you mean?", replied Paddy.

"Well, one day you could have rang me up and told me that my cat has climbed the tree. The next day you could tell me that it has gone even higher up the tree and refuses to come down. On the third day you could tell me that the cat lost its grip and fell from the tree and had to be taken to the vets because of a broken leg. Then on the fourth day you could have told me that it died peacefully in the vet clinic", explained O'Leary.

So paddy apologised and another week went by, when one day O'Leary got another phone call, it was Paddy again.

"All right O'Leary", he said. "Everything's ok here, except your ma - She's climbed the tree and refuses to come down"!

# A Strange Routine

A Chinese man arranges for a hooker to come to his room for the evening. Once in the room they undress, climb into bed, and go at it.

When finished, the Chinese man jumps up, runs over to the window, takes deep breath, dives under the bed, climbs out the other side, jumps back into bed with the hooker and commences to repeat the performance.

The hooker is impressed with the gusto of the second encounter. When finished, the Chinese man jumps up, runs over to the window, takes a deep breath, dives under the bed, climbs out the other side, jumps back into bed with the hooker and starts again.

The hooker is amazed as this sequence is repeated four times. During the fifth encore, she decides to try it herself.

So when they are done she jumps up, goes to the window and takes a deep breath of fresh air, dives under the bed...and finds four Chinese men.

# The Texan's Revenge

A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a Texan were captured by cannibals.

The chief comes to them and says, "the bad news is that now that we've caught you, we're going to kill you. We will put you in a pot and cook you, eat you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die."

The Frenchman says, "I take ze sword." The chief gives him a sword, he says, "Vive la France!" and runs himself through.

The Englishman says, "a pistol for me, please." The chief gives him a pistol, he points it at his head, says, "God save the queen!" and blows his brains out.

The Texan says, "gimme a fork." The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The Texan takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over -- the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. There's blood gushing out all over, it's horrible.

The chief is appalled, even for a cannibal. He asks, "My God almighty, what are you doing?" And the Texan replies, "So much for your damn canoe!"

# Japanese Bride *

A young Japanese girl had been taught all of her life that when she married she was to please her husband and never upset him.

So the first morning of her honeymoon when the young Japanese bride crawled out of the bed after making love and she stooped down to pick up her husband's clothes and she let a big fart.

She looked up and said: "Scuse prease, front hole so happy back hole whistle!"

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Illegal Alien

A US Border Patrol Agent catches an illegal alien in the bushes right by the border fence, he pulls him out and says "Sorry, you know the law, you've got to go back across the border right now."

The mexican man pleads with them, "No, noooo Senior, I must stay in de USA! Pleeeze!"

The Border Patrol Agent thinks to himself, I'm going to make it hard for him and says "Ok, I'll let you stay if you can use 3 english words in a sentence."

The Mexican man of course agrees.

The Border Patrol Agent tells him, "The 3 words are: Green, Pink and Yellow. Now use them in 1 sentence without referencing any color."

The Mexican man thinks really hard for about 2 minutes, then says, "Hmmm, Ok. The phone, it went Green, Green, Green,... I Pink it up, and sez Yellow?" 

# Arabs and the Jew

Two Arabs boarded a shuttle out of Washington for New York. One sat in the window seat, the other in the middle seat.

Just before take-off a fat, little Jewish guy got on and took the aisle seat next to the Arabs. He kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, "Since Shuttle flights do not have cabin attendants, I think I'll go up and get myself a coke."

"No problem," said the Jew. "I'll get it for you."

While he was gone the Arab picked up the Jew's shoe and spit in it.

The Jew brought back the coke, when the other Arab said, "That looks good. Think I'll have one too."

Again, the Jew obligingly goes to fetch it, and while he is gone the Arab picks up the other shoe and spits in it.

The Jew returns with the coke, and they all sit back and enjoy the short flight. When the plane was landing the Jew slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

"How long must this go on?" he asked. "This enmity between our peoples ... this hatred ... this spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes!?!"

# The Selfish Scottish Farmer

An Irishman and a Scotsman were having a drink in a London pub. The first Irishman says "What is the difference between a selfish angel and a selfish Scottish Farmer?"

"I don't know," says the Scotsman.

"The angel says 'Hey you, get off my cloud'" says the Irishman.

"And what does the Scotitsh farmer say?" Says the Scotsman.

"The Scotish farmer says 'Hey McCloud, get off my ewe'" quips the Irishman.

# The Chinese Bartender

A man walks into a Chinese restaurant and is told by the maitre'd that there will be at least a twenty minute wait and would he like to wait in the bar. So he goes and has a seat at the bar.

The bartender walks up and says with a heavy accent, "What you dlink?"

The man replies, "Give me a Stoli with a twist."

The bartender squints at him for a few seconds, then smiles and says, "Once upon time were twee little pigs...and a big bad dragon"

# American Pride

An American walking through the streets of London, passed under Canary Wharf (London's biggest building). As he stood there looking up, a kid joined him.

After a while, the American turned to the kid and said, "Do you realize, son,that we have buildings like that in the States, only they're three times the size?"

"I'm not surprised," said the kid. "That's a Lunatic Asylum!"

# Eating a Banana

Two Polish guys were taking their first trip to Warsaw on the train. A vendor came down the corridor selling bananas, which they'd never seen before. Each bought one.

The first one eagerly peeled the banana and bit into it just as the train went into a tunnel. When the train emerged from the tunnel, he looked across to his friend and said, "I wouldn't eat that if I were you."

"Why not?"

"I took one bite and went blind for half a minute!" 

# New Construction Workers

An Italian, an Irishman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction site.

The foreman points to a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping."

To the Irishman he says "You're in charge of shovelling."

To the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."

He then says "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile."

So the foreman goes away for a couple hours, but when he returns the pile of sand is untouched. He says to the Italian: "Why didn't you sweep any of it!?"

The Italian replies in a heavy accent, "I no gotta broom, an' you tella me dat de Chinese'a guy supposa bringa da supplies, but he disappear and I no finda him."

Then the foreman turns to the Irishman and asks why he didn't shovel. The Irishman replies in his heavy brogue, "Aye, ye did lad, but I counna get meself a shovel. Ye left the Chinese guy in charge of supplies, but I counna fin' him."

The foreman is really angry now, and storms off toward the pile of sand looking for the Chinese guy.

Just then, the Chinese guy springs out from behind the pile of sand and yells... "Supplies"

# His Last Request

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.

He says, "So what's bothering you, dear?"

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"

She says, "That he did, Father..."

The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"

She says, "He said, 'Please, Mary, put down that damn gun...'"

# A Sad Scottish Story *

A Scottish old timer in Scotland, in a bar, talking to a young man.

Old Man speaks; "Lad, look out there to the field. Do ya see that fence? Look how well it's built. I built that fence stone by stone with me own two hands. I piled it for months. But do they call me McGreggor the Fence Builder? Nooooo!"

Then the old man gestured at the bar.

"Look here at the bar. Do ya see how smooth and just it is? I planed that surface down by me own achin' back. I carved that wood with me own hard labor, for eight days. But do they call me McGreggor the Bar Builder? Nooooooo!"

Then the old man points out the window.

"Eh, Laddy, look out to sea... Do ya see that pier that stretches out as far as the eye can see? I built that pier with the sweat off me back. I nailed it board by board. But do they call me McGreggor the Pier Builder? Nooooo!"

Then the old man looks around nervously, trying to make sure no one is paying attention and says: "But ya fuck one goat......"

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# A Matter of Faith

A Jew, a Christian and a Muslim were having a discussion about who was the most religious.

"I was riding my camel in the middle of the Sahara," exclaimed the Muslim. Suddenly a fierce sandstorm appeared from nowhere. I truly thought my end had come as I lay next to my camel while we being buried deeper and deeper under the sand. But I did not lose my faith in the Almighty Allah, I prayed and prayed and suddenly, for a hundred metres all around me, the storm had stopped. Since that day I am a devout Muslim and am now learning to recite the Koran by memory."

"One day while fishing," started the Christian," I was in my little dinghy in the middle of the ocean. Suddenly a fierce storm appeared from nowhere. I truly thought my end had come as my little dinghy was tossed up and down in the rough ocean. But I did not lose my faith in Jesus Christ, I prayed and prayed and suddenly, for 300 metres all around me, the storm had stopped. Since that day I am a devout Christian and am now teaching young children about Him."

"One day I was walking down the road," explained the Jew," I was in my most expensive designer outfit in the middle of New York city. Suddenly I saw a black bag on the ground in front of me appear from nowhere. I put my hand inside and found a million dollars in cash. I truly thought my end had come as it was a Saturday and we are not allowed to handle money on Saturdays. But I did not lose my faith in Jehova, I prayed and prayed and suddenly, for 500 metres all around me, it was Tuesday... "

# Sure is a Wonder ***

One day Rastus and Liza Jane were sitting at the bus stop when Rastus ups and asks, "Liza Jane can I's look up your dress before the bus gets here?"

Liza Jane was startled and said, "No Rastus you cain't!"

Well Rastus persisted and persisted till finally Liza Jane said, "Alright if'n it will shut you up you can."

So Rastus looks up her dress and sees that see has no panties on to which he exclaims, "Sho is a wonder!"

Well the bus shows up and they gets on.

Next day, Rastus and Liza Jane are sitting there again when Rastus ups and asks her, "Liza Jane, can I look up your dress again?" Well Liza Jane at first refused, but as the day before she then gave in. So Rastus looks up there and seeing no panties he exclaims, again, "Sho is a wonder!"

Well this goes on for a few days when on the last day that Liza Jane would permit Rastus to look up her dress she tells him, "Rastus you can look up my dress but you have to tell me one thing?"

Rastus replies, "What's that?"

"Every time you look up my dress you says, "Sho is a wonder. Sho is a wonder what?"

To which Rastus replies, "Sho is a wonder your guts don't fall out!!"

_*** May not be suitable for mixed company_

# Talented Frog **

A lady was walking down the street when a small sign in the window of a shop caught her eye. She stopped, turned back and read the sign which said, "Clitoris licking frog available".

Checking to see that no one on the street was observing her, she hurriedly entered the shop, closing the door quickly behind her.

Inside there was a counter but no sign of activity or human presence. On the counter there was a bell with a sign on top saying : -"Please ring for service"

The lady gave the bell a push. It rang but nothing happened. She hit the bell again and after a few minutes she heard a shuffling, slurping sort of sound and eventually a man emerged from a door behind the counter. "Bonjour madame"

_** Risque_

# Zebra in Heaven

A zebra dies goes to heaven. When checking in, he tells St. Peter, "Say, I have always wanted to know if I am white with black stripes or black with white stripes."

St. Peter, "I can't answer that question...but see God walking around over there? Ask him."

Zebra to God, "God, am I white with black stripes or black with white stripes?"

God looks at the zebra sagely and states, "You are what you are."

Frustrated, the zebra returns to St. Peter.

What did He say," asks St. Peter.

"Oh,," replies the zebra. "He just said, 'You are what you are,' and I still don't know whether I'm black with white stripes or white with black stripes."

"Oh, that's easy," says St.Peter "You are white with black stripes."

"How do you know?" asks the zebra. "Well," says St. Peter, "if you were black with white stripes he would have said 'you is what you is.'"

# Back from the Dead

An American, an Israeli and a Canadian were in a terrible car accident. They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him what happened.

"Well, " said the American, "I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Israeli and I were standing at the gates of heaven. St. Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and that for a donation of $50, we could return to the earth. So of course I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $50, and the next thing I knew I was back here."

"That's amazing!" said one of the doctors, "But what happened to the other two?"

"Last I saw them," replied the American, "the Israeli was haggling over the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay for his!"

# The Coldest Igloo

There were these three Eskimos in Alaska, and one time while they were at their local bar, they got to talking about how cold it was outside, and how cold their igloos were. They could agree on everything but whose igloo was the coldest, so they decided to determine who, indeed, had the coldest igloo.

They went to the first Eskimo's igloo, where he said "Watch this!" and poured a cup of water into the air. Well, the water froze in mid-air and fell onto the floor. "Not bad" said the other Eskimos, but each maintained their igloo was colder still.

So they went to the second Eskimo's igloo, and he said "Watch this!" and took a big breath and exhaled, whereupon his breath froze into a big lump and fell to the floor.

"Wow, that's colder than mine!" said the first Eskimo. But the third Eskimo exclaimed his was colder still.

So they ended up at the third Eskimo's igloo. He said "Watch this!" and went into the bedroom, threw back the thick furs, and retrieved one of several small balls of ice there. He took it, put it in a spoon, and held a match under it.

When it heated up enough, it went "FFFAAAARRRRTTT". He won!

# A Change for the Worse

An Ontarian wanted to become a Newfie (ie. a Newfoundlander). He went to a neurosurgeon and asked "Is there anything you can do to me that would make me into a Newfie?"

"Sure, it's easy." replied the neurosurgeon. "All I have to do is cut out 1/3 of your brain, and you'll be a Newfie."

The Ontarian was very pleased, and immediately underwent the operation. However, the surgeon's knife slipped, and instead of cutting out 1/3 of the patient's brain, the surgeon accidentally cut out 2/3 of the patient's brain. He was terribly remorseful, and waited impatiently beside the patient's bed as the patient recovered from the anesthetic.

As soon as the patient was conscious, the nurosurgeon said to him - "I'm terribly sorry, but there was a ghastly accident. Instead of cutting out 1/3 of your brain, I accidentally cut out 2/3 of your brain."

The patient replied "Qu'est-ce que vous avez dit, monsieur?"

# Polish Truck Drivers

Two Polish truck drivers are barreling along when they come up to an overpass. A sign says, "Clearance: 11"2'." So they get out, measure their truck, and realize that it's 11"6'.

So the first Polak looks at the second Polak and says, "I don't see any cops around....let's go for it!"

# The Polish Prisoner

An Englishman, a Frenchman and a Polak were captured by the Germans and thrown into prison. However, the guard was rather kind towards them, and said, "I am going to lock you away for five years, but I'll let you have anything you want now before I lock you away."

The Englishman says, "I'll have five years' supply of beer!" His wish is granted, and they lock him away with his beer.

The Frenchman says, "I'll have five years' supply of brandy!" His wish is granted, and they lock him away with his brandy.

The Polak says, "I'll have five years' supply of cigarettes!" His wish is granted, and they lock him away with his cigarettes.

Five years later, the Germans come to release their prisoners. First, they release the Englishman, who staggers out totally drunk. Then, they release the Frenchman, who also rolls out rather drunk. Finally, they release the Polak, who comes out and says, "Has anyone got a light?"

# Polak and the Carpenter

A Polak went to a carpenter and said, "Can you build me a box that is two inches high, two inches wide, and fifty feet long?"

"Hmm..." mused the carpenter. "It could be done, I suppose, but what would you want a box like that for?"

"Well, you see," said the Polak, "my neighbor moved away and forgot some things, so he asked me to send him his garden hose."

# Looking for Anya *

After WWII, two Poles returned to their destroyed village to locate the first one's wife. Going through the rubble, Victor came across a dismembered arm and called over, "Hey, Stanley, wasn't this Anya's arm? I think this is the wristwatch you gave her."

"I dunno, Victor," said Stanley, and they continued the search.

A little while later, Victor came across a severed leg. "Stanley, couldn't this be part of Anya? She had great legs."

Stanley shrugged and they walked on.

Finally the energetic Victor came across a woman's head, which he held out at arm's length for his friend's inspection.

"Nope," said Stanley at last. "Anya was a lot taller."

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Hybrid Fish

The Minnesota Fish and Game Comission wanted to develop a fish that would offer more for their sportsmen so they crossed a Coho with a Walleye and called it a Kowal.

It grew to a nice size and reproduced well but it wouldn't bite. They crossed the Kowal with a Muskie and called it a Kowalski but it was so stupid they had to teach it how to swim.

# Polish Painter

A Polak is hired to paint the lines on the road.

On the first day he paints ten miles, and his employers are amazed. But, the second day he painted just five, and on only the third day, he painted only a mile of the road.

Disappointed his boss asks what the problem was.

The Polak replies, "Well sir, every day I have to walk farther and farther to get back to the paint bucket."

# The Polish Husband **

A 12-year-old boy comes up to the Polak and says, "I was looking in your bedroom window last night and I saw your wife giving you a blow job. Nyah, nyah, nyah."

The Polak answers, "The joke's on you, Johnny. Nyah, nyah, nyah--I wasn't even home last night!"

_** Risque_

# Too Many Polish Jokes

The guy next to us was listening for quite some time, when he finally came over to our table and said..."I am Polish and I can take a Polish joke as well as the next Polack, but your continued bashing of my race is getting a little old. Could you please change the subject?

We did.

Shortly thereafter.....my friend had to to to the bathroom and the burly Polack got up and followed him into the bathroom.

They were in there for QUITE A WHILE and when they FINALLY came out, I asked my friend what "What happened in there?"

He said "Well, you saw him follow me into the can.......Well he pulled a RAZOR ON ME!

Really scared the hell out of me! And boy oh boy would I have ever been in a pickle if he had fould a place to PLUG IT IN!

# Police Detective Interview

Three men were all applying for the same job as a detective. One was Polish, one was Jewish, and one was Italian. Rather than ask the standard questions during the interview, the chief decided to ask each applicant just one question and base his decision upon that answer.

When the Jewish man arrived for his interview, the chief asked, "Who killed Jesus Christ?"

The Jewish man answered without hesitation "The Romans killed him." The chief thanked him and he left.

When the Italian man arrived for his interview, the chief asked the same question. He replied "Jesus was killed by the Jews." Again, the chief thanked the man who then left.

When the Polish man arrived for his interview, he was asked the exact same question. He thought for a long time, before saying, "Could I have some time to think about it?" The chief said, "OK, but get back to me tommorrow."

When the Polish man arrived home, his wife asked "How did The interview go?" He replied, "Great, I got the job, and I'm already investigating a murder!"

# The Garden of Eden

A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.

"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British."

"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French."

"No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. They are Russian!"

# Sanitary Napkins

A black woman from the projects walks into the local pharmacy and says: "I wants to get a box of dem Sanitary Napkins."

The pharmacist replies, "We have mini-pads and maxi-pads, which do you prefer?"

The woman asks, "What's the difference?"

Pharmacist replies, "It depends on what your flow is like!"

Woman replies, "My flo? My flo is linoleum!"

# Leroy's Vasectomy

This black guy named Leroy goes to the doctor for a vasectomy. Unlike the usual patients, Leroy shows up in a limo, and he's sitting in the doctor's office in a rented tuxedo with black tie.

The doctor says, "Leroy, I've done a lot of these, but I've never seen a limo and tuxedo before. What's the story?"

To which Leroy responds, "If I'm gonna BE im-potent, I'm gonna LOOK im-potent!"

# No Vacancy

Many years agao, a Jewish lady named Mrs. Rosenberg was stranded late one night at a fashionable resort hotel on Cape Cod - one that did not admit Jews.

The desk clerk looked down at his book and said, "Sorry, no room. The hotel is full."

The Jewish lady said, "But your sign says that you have vacancies." The desk clerk stammered and then said curtly, "You know that we do not admit Jews. Now if you will try the other side of town..."

Mrs. Rosenberg stiffened noticeably and said, "I'll have you know, I converted to your religion."

The desk clerk said, "Oh, yeah, let me give you a little test.

How was Jesus born?"

Mrs. Rosenberg replied, "He was born to a virgin named Mary in a little town called Bethlehem."

"Very good," replied the hotel clerk. "Tell me more."

Mrs. Rosenberg replied, "He was born in a manger."

"That's right," said the hotel clerk. "And why was he born in a manger?"

Mrs. Rosenberg said loudly, "Because a jerk like you in the hotel wouldn't give a Jewish lady a room for the night!"

# Accident at the Brewery

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.

"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."

"Of course you can come in. You're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"

"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery."

"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me..."

"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."

Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"

"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."

Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"

"Well, no Brenda, no."

"No?"

"Fact is, he got out three times to pee."

# Sheep Shagging Research **

A researcher is conducting a survey into sheep shagging. First of all he visits a Cornish farmer.

"So, Cornish farmer, how do you shag your sheep?"

"Well, I take the hind legs of the sheep and put them down my wellie boot and take the front legs of the sheep and put them over a wall."

"That's very interesting," replies the researcher and he leaves the Cornish farmer. Then he meets a Midlands Farmer.

"So, Midlands farmer, how do you shag your sheep?"

"Well, I take the hind legs of the sheep and put them down my wellie boots and take the front legs of the sheep and put them over a wall."

"That's very interesting," replies the researcher. "That's how they do it in Cornwall too." And he leaves the Midlands farmer. Then he meets a farmer from Abergaveny.

"So, Abergaveny farmer, how do you shag your sheep?"

"Well, I take the hind legs of the sheep and put them down my wellie boots and take the front legs of the sheep and put them over my shoulders."

"Over your shoulders?" replies the researcher. "Don't you put them over a wall like everyone else?"

"What?" says the farmer. "And miss out on all the kissing?!"

_** Risque_

# A Voice from Beyond

For months, Mrs. Pitzel had been nagging her husband to go with her to the seance parlor of Madame Freda. "Milty, she's a real gypsy, and she brings the voices of the dead from the other world. We all talk to them! Last week, I talked with my mother, may she rest in peace.

Milty, for twenty dollars you can talk to your Zayde (grandfather), who you miss so much!"

Milton Pitzel could not resist her appeal. At the very next seance at Madam Freda's Seance Parlor, Milty sat under the colored light at the green table, holding hands with the person on each side. All were humming, "Oooom, oooom, tonka tooom."

Madame Freda, her eyes lost in trance, was making passes over a crystal ball. "My medium...Vashtri," she called. "Come in. Who is that with you? Who? Mr. Pitzel? Milton Pitzel's Zayde?"

Milty swallowed the lump in his throat and called, "Grampa? Zayde?"

"Ah, Milteleh?" a thin voice quavered.

"Yes! Yes!" cried Milty. "This is your Milty! Grandfather, are you happy in the other world?"

"Milteleh, I am in bliss. With your bubbie together, we laugh, we sing. We gaze upon the shining face of the Lord!" A dozen more questions did Milty ask of his zayde, and each question did his zayde answer, until "So now, Milteleh, I have to go. The angels are calling. Just one more question I can answer. Ask. Ask."

"Zayde," sighed Milty, "when did you learn to speak English?"

# Too Many Jewish Jokes

One guy says to another guy, "Mandelbaum and Rosenstern were talking one day..."

Right away, his friend interrupts him, "Always with the Jewish jokes! Give it a rest! Why do they always have to be about Jews? Just change the names to another ethnic group for once!"

So he starts again, "Hashimoto and Suzuki were talking one day at their nephew's Bar Mitzvah..."

# Swedish-Chinese Laundry

This guy is walking through Chinatown. He is fascinated with all the Chinese Restaurants, the Chinese shops, the Chinese signs and banners on the buildings. He is having the best time just walking and looking. He turns a corner and sees a building with a sign "Hans Olaffsen's Laundry".

"Hans Olaffsen?", he thinks. "How in the world does that fit in here?". So, he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman sitting in the corner.. The visitor asks, "How in the world did this place get a name like Hans Olaffsen's Laundry?".

The old man answers "Is name of owner." The visitor asks "Well, who in the heck is the owner?". "I am he", answers the old man. "You? How in the heck did you ever get a name like Hans Olaffsen?"

The old man replies, "Many years ago when I come to this country, I was standing in line at Documentation Center. Man in front of me was big blonde Swede. Lady look at him and go "What your name? He say Hans Olaffsen. She look at me...What your name? I say Sam Ting." 

# Jewish Lawyer's Son

A Jewish lawyer was troubled by the way his son turned out, and went to see his Rabbi about it. "I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive bar mitzvah, cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he tells me last week he has decided to be a Christian. Rabbi... where did I go wrong?"

"Funny you should come to me," said the Rabbi. "Like you, I, too, brought my boy up in the faith, put him through University, cost me a fortune, then one day he comes and tells me he has decided to become a Christian."

"What did you do?" asked the lawyer.

"I turned to God for the answer," replied the rabbi.

"And what did he say?"

He said, "Funny you should come to me..."

# The Dog's Funeral

A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the countryside with a pet dog which he loved and doted on. After many long years of companionship, the dog finally died so Muldoon went to the parish priest:

"Father, my dear old dog is dead. Could you be saying a mass for the creature?"

Father Patrick replied, "I am so very sorry to hear about your dog`s death. But, unfortunately we cannot have services for an animal in the church. However, there`s a new denomination down the road, no telling what they believe, but maybe they`ll do something for the animal."

Muldoon said, "I`ll go right now. Do you think $500 is enough to donate for the service?"

Father Patrick: "$500? - Why didn`t you tell me the dog was Catholic?!"

# She Can't Talk Right Now **

A woman is on her honeymoon with her new French husband. She is giving him oral sex when the phone rings.

The husband answers it, to find out is his mother-in-law, asking for her daughter.

He says, "She cannot talk rrright now, she 'as a frog in ze thrrrought."

_** Risque_

# Deaf Society Speech *

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are all to give speaches to the Deaf Society. All are keen to make an impression on their audience.

The Englishman goes first and to the surprise of his colleagues starts by rubbing first his chest and then his groin. When he finishes the Scotsman and Irishman ask him what he was doing.

Well" he explained" By rubbing my chest I indicated breasts and thus Ladies and by rubbing my groin I indicated balls and thus Gentlemen. So my speech started Ladies and Gentlemen".

On his way up to the podium the Scotsman thought to himself I'll go one better than that English bastard and started his speech by making an antler symbol with his fingers above his head before also rubbing his chest and his groin.

When he finished his colleagues asked what he was doing. "Well" he explained" By imitating antlers and then rubbing my chest and groin I was starting my speech by saying Dear Ladies and Gentlemen".

On his way up to the podium the Irishman thought to himself I'll go one further than those mainland bastards and started his speech by making an antler symbol above his head, rubbing his chest, and then his groin, and then masturbating furiously.

When he finished his colleagues asked him what he was doing. "Well" he explained," by imitating antlers, rubbing my chest and then my groin and then masturbating I was starting my speech by saying Dear Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure......."

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Quick Service **

Two polish guys walk into a bar and sit down on the stools. All of a sudden, they start masturbating furiously, until the bar owner comes along and screams, "HEY, what the FUCK are you guys doing?! "

.. and one of the guys says, "the sign says: FIRST COME, FIRST SERVE"

_** Risque_

# Swedish Sympathy

So Sven and Ole were out working in the forest one day. They had just gotten jobs as lumber jacks. Well one say they were working along cutting down all the trees that had the big red X on them.

As instructed by the foreman they were to yell 'TIMBER!' whenever the tree was about to fall. Ole was cutting down a tree and yelled 'Timber' and all of a sudden he saw a skidder pulling a tree out of the woods drive right under where the tree was about to fall. There was nothing he could do about it.

The tree fell on the cab killing poor 'ol DooDah. That was his name for his parents gave it to him. He was a young man recentley married.

Well Sven and Ole didn't know what to do, so they called the priest and he said to go talk and comfort DooDah's now widow.

Well they walked out of the forest into town and arrived at the widows house. They were dumbfounded and didn't know what to think or say. So quickly as the fact the tree fell.....Sven rang the doorbell.

A few minutes later the widow DooDah appeared at the door. Sven says that Ole has something to say. He's at a loss of words and all that comes out of his mouth is 'GUESS WHO DIED IN THE WOODS TODAY ....!'

# Sociological Change

A visitor, returning to Kuwait for the first time since the Gulf War, was impressed by a sociological change. On previous visits she noted that women customarily walked about 5 paces behind their husbands.

She observed that the men now walked over 20 paces BEHIND their wives!

She approached one of the women for an explanation: "What enabled women here to achieve this marvellous reversal of roles?"

"Land mines," replied the Kuwaiti woman.

# Hiding from the Nazis

This elderly Italian guy goes to his parish priest and asked if he would hear his confession. The priest assured him that he would, and the two took up the customary positions on either side of the divider.

"Well, Father," began the old man, "At the beginning of World War II a beautiful Jewish woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans. So I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."

"That's a wonderful thing," interjected the priest, "But it's certainly nothing you need to confess!" "It's gets worse Father," continued the elderly fellow, "I was weak and I told her that she had to repay me for hiding her, by providing me with sexual favors."

The priest contemplated this disclosure for a minute and then responded, "Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a very large risk. You would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her. I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil of your acts, and judge you kindly."

"Thank you Father," said the old man. "That's a load off my mind! Can I ask another question?"

"Of course, my son," said the priest.

The old man asked, "Do I have to tell her that the war is over?"

# Unemployment Compensation

Sven and Ole worked together and were both laid off, so off they went to the unemployment office.

When asked his occupation, Sven looked the lady in the eye and said "Panty stitcher. I sew the elastic onto cotton panties."

The clerk looked up panty stitcher. Finding it classed as unskilled labor, she gave him $300 a week unemployment pay.

Then Ole goes in and sits down with the lady. She asked Ole his occupation. "Diesel fitter", he replied.

Since diesel fitters was a skilled job the clerk gave the Ole $600 a week.

When Sven found out he was furious. He stormed back in to find out why his friend and co-worker, Ole, was collecting double his unemployment pay.

The clerk explained: "When I looked it up, panty-stitchers were unskilled laborers and diesel fitters were skilled laborers."

Skill!..."What skill?" yelled Sven. "I sew the elastic on... he pulls on it and says,....."Yep, diesel fitter".

# Be Discreet

Six retired Floridians were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Meyerwitz loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing standing up.

Finkelstein looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna' tell his wife?"

They draw straws. Goldberg picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

"Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me."

Goldberg goes over to the Meyerwitz apartment, knocks on the door. The wife answers and asks what he wants.

Goldberg declares, "Your husband just lost $500 in a poker game, and is afraid to come home."

"Tell him to drop dead!" says the wife.

"I'll go tell him," says Goldberg.

# Saddam Doubles

The squad of eight Saddam doubles was summoned for an urgent meeting in a secret bunker somewhere beneath the Baghdad Hospital, apprehensive that they were about to be told their highly paid services were no longer required after the American bombing attacks.

The Propaganda Minister walked in and announced: "I've got good and bad news for you. First the good news. Our beloved leader, may Allah continue to preserve him, is still alive."

Cheers, whistles and whoops of joy all round.

"But the bad news," continued the Minister, "is that now he's only got one leg."

# An Apple for the Teacher *

Teacher in a one room school house comes in one morning to find a nice apple on her desk - with "TOT".

Knowing she had some not-so-nice pranksters in her class, she cautiously asked "Can someone explain 'TOT' to me?" Little Suzy on the front row raised her hand and explained"It means 'To Our Teacher." So that was OK.

Next morning she comes in and there was a bigger, prettier apple on her desk - with "TOTWL" written on it. Less worried she asks "who can explain this note?" Little Johnny waved his hand frantically on the front row. "That means 'To Our Teacher With Love'". So that was also OK.

Next morning she comes in and there's this great big watermelon on her desk - with "FUCK" written on it! Taken aghast, she blurts out "Who can explain this!?!" A little black boy in the back row raises his hand and explains "That means "From Us Colored Kids.'"

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# The Best Toast

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in Church beside me wife."

"Oh that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize, the other night, with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye and I was a bit surprised me self! You know,he's only been there twice! Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

# The Pope and the Queen

The Pope was having a state visit with the Queen of England, when they decided they should make an appearance together. They came out onto the balcony of Windsdor Castle, and stood there for the crowd to cheer and take pictures.

The Queen decided to have a bit of fun at the Pope's expense, and said to him, "Watch this. With one wave of my hand, I can make every Englishman cheer for five full minutes."

She does so, and the Englishmen predictably applaud madly.

Not to be outdone, the Pope says to the Queen, "Very impressive. Now, watch me. With a nod of my head, I can make every Irishman in the crowd cheer fot TEN minutes straight."

The Queen figures the Pope's just made an impossible offer, so she agrees to give him his chance. He stands, faces the crowd and head-butts the Queen.

# Irishmen and Indians

Two Irishmen are in the Wild West. They enter Dodge City and notice a sign in a shop saying 'Indian scalps-$10 each.' They enter the shop and are given a rifle, ammunition and told that for every Indian scalp they bring back they will get $10.

So they go out into the desert and hide behind a rock beside an oasis in the hope that an Indian would come to drink. Sure enough, 10 minutes later a brave approaches on his horse and gets down to drink. Paddy shoots the Indian and goes over to scalp him.

Just as Paddy gets out his knife, Murphy looks up and sees up and sees Chief Geronimo and his 100,000 braves on a ridge.

"Don't look now" says Murphy, "But we are about to become millionaires!"

# Irish Confession

Young O'Donnell rushed into a church, placed his rifle under a pew and entered the confessional. "Father," he said breathlessly, "I've just shot down two British lieutenants!"

Hearing no response he went on: "I also knocked off a British captain!"

When there was still no response from the priest, O'Donnell said, "Father, have ye fainted?"

"Of course I haven't fainted," replied the confessor. "I'm waitin' for you to stop talkin' politics and commence confessin' your sins!"

# The Emerald Isle

Once upon a time in the kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for seven days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him. He inquired of God, "where were you?".

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds; "look son, look what I'm making." Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "what is it?"

God replied, "it's another planet but I'm after putting LIFE on it. I've named it Earth and there's going to be a balance between everything on it. For example, there's North America and South America. North America is going to be rich and South America is going to be poor, and the narrow bit joining them - that's going to be a hot spot. Now look over here. I've put a continent of whites in the north and another one of blacks in the south."

And then the archangel said, "and what's that green dot there?". And God said "ahhh that's the Emerald Isle - that's a very special place. That's going to be the most glorious spot on earth: beautiful mountains, lakes, rivers, streams, and an exquisite coast line."

"These people here are going to be great and they're going to be found traveling the world. They'll be playwrights and poets and singers and songwriters. And I'm going to give them this black liquid which they're going to go mad on and for which people will come from the far corners of the earth to imbibe."

Michael the Archangel gasped in wonder and admiration but then seeming startled proclaimed: "Hold on a second, what about the BALANCE, you said there was going to be a balance.

God replied wisely. "Wait until you see the neighbours I'm going to give them"

# Chicken Launcher

It seems the US Federal Aviation Administration (FAA) has a unique device for testing the strength of windshields on airplanes. The device is a gun that launches a dead chicken at a plane's windshield at approximately the speed the plane flies.

The theory is that if the windshield doesn't crack from the carcass impact, it'll survive a real collision with a bird during flight. A group of British engineers were very interested in this and wanted to test a windshield on a brand new, speedy locomotive they're developing for a new British bullet train.

The British engineers borrowed the FAA's chicken launcher, loaded the chicken and fired. The ballistic chicken shattered the train's windshield, went through the engineer's chair, broke an instrument panel and embedded itself in the back wall of the engine cab. The British engineers were stunned and asked the FAA engineers to recheck the test to see if everything was done correctly.

The FAA engineers reviewed the test thoroughly and had one recommendation: "Next time use a thawed chicken rather than a frozen one."

# Space Age Technology

During the heat of the space race in the 1960's, NASA decided it needed a ball point pen to write in the zero gravity confines of its space capsules.

After considerable research and development, the Astronaut Pen was developed at a cost of $1 million. The pen worked and also enjoyed some modest success as a novelty item back here on earth.

The Soviet Union, faced with the same problem, used a pencil.

# French Terror Alert

Two elderly, redneck veterans were siting on a bench in the park of a rural Alabama township. One of the guys looks up from his paper and says "I see that in light of the Madrid bombing and other events in Europe, France has raised its terror alert from low to moderate."

"Yea," says the other, "from there it probably elevates to the next four levels, which are run, hide, surrender, and collaborate."

# A Test of Bravery

It seems that Reagan and Gorbachev arranged a competition to determine whose nation had the bravest troops. The two leaders arrived, at the designated hour, on a plateau in Finland high above the water. Each was accompanied by a battalion of crack troops, smartly uniformed. The leaders shook hands.

Reagan went first. He addressed his battalion of Marines:

"Private Jones! Front and center."

Private Jones saluted and briskly marched to the front of the ranks, facing his commander.

"Private Jones! March to the edge of the cliff."

Private Jones saluted and briskly marched to the very edge of the cliff.

"Private Jones! Jump!"

Jones just stood there, unmoving.

"Private Jones! I said jump!"

The man's knees started to shake, but he was otherwise motionless.

"Private Jones! This is your Commander-in-Chief. I ORDER YOU TO JUMP!!!" Private Jones wailed out: "I can't! I have a wife--and a family!"

The MPs arrived and escorted Jones away for court martial. Reagan backed off in disgrace. It was now Gorbachev's turn.

"Comrade Dmitrivich! Front and center."

Comrade Dmitrivich saluted and briskly marched to the front of the ranks, facing his commander.

"Comrade Dmitrivich! March to the edge of the cliff."

Dmitrivich saluted and briskly marched to the very edge of the cliff.

"Comrade Dmitrivich! Jump!"

Dmitrivich jumped off the cliff.

By some miracle, he is snagged on a branch and he lands on a crag some 50 feet below the top of the cliff. Dmitrivich is badly injured, but still alive and conscious. He is carried away on a stretcher.

As Dmitrivich is carried passed Private Jones, Jones cannot resist asking him:

"Dmitrivich! How could you do it? How could you jump?"

Dmitrivich answered: "I had to! I have a wife--and a family!"

# Polish Butcher Shop

The line in front of the Butcher shop in Warsaw is long, indeed, and the people grow weary, ever more weary, of the wait. Eventually an official comes out and announces "We are very low on meat; all Jews must leave the line." So the Jews in the line quit the queue and head for home, empty-handed.

After some more of a wait the same official reappears and announces, "We are even lower on meat that we thought. All non-party members must leave the line." So all the non-card-carrying members standing in line begin heading for home, equally empty-handed.

After some more time the official appears to declare "All Serbs and Croats must leave the line; we haven't enough meat for you." Disappointed, they leave the line and wander off.

Well, you guessed it: a bit later the same official appears and informs the remaining people "Unfortunately we have run out of meat entirely - you may as well all go home," and disappears back into the store.

"Isn't that just the way it always is," mutters one old man as he departs. "Those damn Jews get all the breaks!"

# International Bus Rules

In the good ol' U.S. of A., buses will have a sign saying "Don't speak to the driver."

In Germany, the sign reads: "It is strictly forbidden for passengers to speak to the driver."

In England: "You are graciously requested to refrain from speaking to the driver."

In Scotland: "What have you got to gain by speaking to the driver?"

And in Italy: "Don't answer the driver."

# Warsaw Meat Market

An elderly man stands in line for hours at a Warsaw meat store (meat is severely rationed). When the butcher comes out at the end of the day and announces that there is no meat left, the man flies into a rage.

"What is this?" he shouts. "I fought against the Nazis, I worked hard all my life, I've been a loyal citizen, and now you tell me I can't even buy a piece of meat? This rotten system stinks!"

Suddenly a thuggish man in a black leather coat sidles up and murmurs "Take it easy, comrade. Remember what would have happened if you had made an outburst like that only a few years ago"--and he points an imaginary gun to his head and pulls the trigger.

The old man goes home, and his wife says, "So they're out of meat again?"

"It's worse than that," he replies. "They're out of bullets."

# The Communist Brothel

A communist party official opened a whorehouse to attract tourists and their foreign currency. Adding up his books after a year, he discovered he had lost a great deal of money.

"I don't understand it," he moaned. "I hired all the best girls. Why, every single one of them has been a good loyal party member for at least 30 years!

# Soviet Succession

Lenin is dying, and talking things over with Stalin, his successor.

"The one worry I have," says Lenin, "is this: will the people follow you? What do you think, comrade Stalin?"

"They will," says Stalin, "they surely will."

"I hope so," says Lenin, "but what if they don't follow you?"

"No problem," says Stalin, "then they'll follow you."

# Russian Border Guards

Two Russian border guards, Ivan and Vladimir, on a cold winter morning. Looking across the border, Ivan is smiling to himself, then he notices that Vladimir is also smiling.

Ivan [suspiciously]: "What were you thinking about?"

Vladimir: "Same thing you were thinking about, comrade."

Ivan: "Then it is my duty to arrest you."

# Meat Shortage Interview

Interviewer asks in America: "Excuse me, what is your opinion on the meat shortage?"

And the reply is... " 'Shortage?' What's a 'shortage?'"

Interviewer asks in Poland: "Excuse me, what is your opinion on the meat shortage?"

And the reply is... " 'Meat?' What's 'meat?'"

Interviewer asks in Russia: "Excuse me, what is your opinion on the meat shortage?

And the reply is... " 'Opinion?' What's an 'opinion?'"

Interviewer asks in Israel: "Excuse me, what is your opinion on the meat shortage?"

And the reply is... " 'Excuse me?' What's 'excuse me?'"

# Keeping Score

There are these two friends, a white guy and a black guy. One evening, they're in a bar arguing over which of them can have sex the most times in one night. They decide to settle the issue by going to the local whorehouse and gathering experimental evidence, as it were.

So they get to the whorehouse, pair off with a couple of the ladies, and go to their respective rooms.

The white guy energetically balls his whore and, reaching up with a pencil, makes a " | " mark on the wall. Then he falls asleep. He wakes up in a couple of hours and screws the whore again, albeit a little less enthusiastically this time. Again, he reaches back and marks a " | " on the wall. Again, he falls asleep. He wakes up again in a couple of hours and lethargically humps the hooker again. He drowsily marks another " | '' on the wall and falls asleep for the rest of the night.

The next morning, the black guy barges into the white guy's room to see how he did. He takes one look at the wall and exclaims,

"A hundred and eleven?! You beat me by three!"

# Soviet Condom Order

"The Soviet propaganda ministry ordered 10 million condoms from an American manufacturer, all 16" long and 3" in diameter.

The American manufacturer filled the order, sending the merchandise in boxes marked 'medium.'"

# Any Questions?

The farmers of a commune are gathered together by some officials for an announcement. The government spokesman steps up and announces that production is up, tractors are being manufactured in record quantities and the economy is wonderful. He then asks if there are any questions.

A farmer named Perchek raises his hand. "Yes, Comrade, a question. If everything is so wonderful, why are we hungry, ill-housed and ill-clothed? "

"An excellent question" comes the reply. "I will ask it to my superiors and return to you with an answer. "

Three months later, the farmers are once again gathered and the same type of news is announced. The spokesman again asks if there are questions.

"Yes," says one farmer. "Where is Perchek?"

# Passenger Safety

Mr. Weissenblat, a middle-aged meek Jew, is on a plane for Israel, in a window seat. Just before take-off, this HUGE Arab wearing a beautiful gaudy multi- coloured gown walks up and sits down beside him. A few minutes later, the plane takes off.

All is well. For a while. But then, Mr. Weissenblat realizes that he has to go to the washroom. That wouldn't be a problem, but he looks over and notices that the Arab beside him is sound asleep, and Mr. Weissenblat, being a meek man is afraid to disturb him. So he figures he'll hold it in till the Arab wakes up.

But as luck would have it, the Arab just keeps snoring away, and Mr. Weiseenbalt is feeling increasingly more uncomfortable. After a while, he starts to feel nauseous as well, what from holding it in combined with the plane ride. He tries and tries to hold it in, but then "AAARRGGHH!!"--he throws up all over the Arab and his beautiful garment. He thinks, "Oh, no! Now he's gonna kill me!" and sits there in apprehension waiting for the Arab to wake up.

Finally, the Arab wakes up, and finds all this vomit all over him. Mr. Weissenblat says to him, "Well, do you feel better now?"

# Another Glass of Water

An Arab diplomat visiting the U.S. for the first time was being wined and dined by the State Department. The Grand Emir was unused to the salt in American Foods (french fries, cheeses, anchovies, etc.), and was constantly sending his manservant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water. Time and time again Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of water, but then came the time when he returned empty-handed.

"Abdul, you bastard son of an ugly camel, where is my water?" demanded the Grand Emir.

"A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One," stammered the wretched Abdul. "White man sit on well."

# Heavenly Language

An old woman was sitting in a park in Moscow reading a "Teach Yourself Hebrew" book. A policeman notices her and decides to start to give her a hard time.

"What are you reading that for?" he shouts at her.

She replies, "I am old, and I will die soon. I want to be prepared; so I am studying the language of heaven."

The cop says, "Well, how do know that it's heaven that you are going to?"

The old women answers, "Well, honestly I don't, but that's okay. I already speak Russian."

# Royal Competition

The kings of Spain, France, and England all stand on stage together in front of their nations all ready to see who of the three has the largest penis.

The king of Spain takes his out and as they all see the impressive proportions all the Spanish people shout: "Viva Espania!"

The king of France is next and as his is even larger, all the French scream: "Vive la France!"

Next comes the king of England, and just as he drops his pants and takes his out, everyone exclaims: "God save the Queen!"

# Wild Newfie Sex *

There was an Englishman, a Frenchman, and a Newfoundlander sitting in a bar having a few drinks together.

The Englishman says to the Frenchman, "So tell me, what do you do to drive your wife wild?"

"Well," says the Frenchman, "After making love, I go out to the garden and pick some roses. Then I take the petals off and put them all over her body. then I gently blow them off with a soft,even breath, and that drives her wild."

Then the Frenchman says, "And what do you do to drive your wife wild?"

To which the Englishman replies, "After making love, I get some baby oil and massage it gently all over her body, and that drives her wild!"

Then the pair turn to the Newfoundlander and ask him what he does.

"Naawww you don't want to know what I do" he says.

So they buy him a few more drinks and he loosens up a bit more, and again, they ask him what he does.

"Well..," he says, "When me and the old lady are through, I jump out of bed and wipe my dick off on the curtain. And that REALLY drives her wild."

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Excess Baggage

A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a lawyer are in a train.

The Russian takes a bootle of the Best Vodka out of his pack; pours some into a glass, drinks it, and says: "In USSR, we have the best vodka of the world, nowhere in the world you can find Vodka as good as the one we produce in Ukrainia. And we have so much of it, that we can just throw it away..." Saying that, he open the window and throw the rest of the bottle thru it. All the others are quite impressed.

The Cuban takes a pack of Havanas, takes one of them, lights it and begins to smoke it saying: "In Cuba, we have the best cigars of the world: Havanas, nowhere in the world are there such good cigars and we have so many of them, that we can just throw them away..." Saying that, he throws the pack of Havanas through the window. One more time, everybody is quite impressed.

At this time, the American just stands up, opens the window, and throws the lawyer through it...

# I'm with Fidel

During a recent international sports meet, one of the Scottish track and field coaches was entertaining some friends and colleagues in his hotel room. As so often occurs the libations were used up before it was time to end the festivities.

After receiving directions to the nearest wine/liquor store, the Scottish coach departed the party.

Upon arriving at the store, he noticed that there were only three or four people waiting in the queue.

Immediately ahead of him were two men dressed in military fatigues and heavily bearded. He overhead one of them ordering several bottles of Scotch and rum. Upon being told the value of his purchases, this fatigue dressed individual told the clerk that he was with Fidel. Immediately the clerk produced a book and had the individual sign for his purchases. To say that the Scotsman was intrigued would be an understatement.

The other individual in front of the Scotsman proceeded to order at least twice what his companion had ordered. Upon receipt of his total he also told the clerk that he was with Fidel. Same book, same procedure as the first fatigue clad individual.

By this time the Scotsman had figured he was on to a good thing.

He ordered bottles of this, that, cigars, cigarettes etc. Upon being presented with his bill he told the clerk that he was with Fidel.

The clerk told him that he could not be with Fidel.

"Why not?" said the indignant Scotsman.

"Because you do not have the beard and the big cigar." the clerk replied.

Pausing for only a moment, the Scotsman reached down, lifted up his kilt and proudly announced, "SECRET SERVICE!!!"

# Thank Stalin

An old woman is riding a crowded bus and has to stand with her heavy packages. Finally, someone in front of her gives up a seat and so she grabs it. "Thank God," she says.

A man in the seat behind her says, "Excuse me comrade, but this is an athiest society. You should say 'Thank Stalin,' not 'Thank God.'"

"Of course you are right," the old woman says. "Thank Stalin." She is silent for a moment, then says: "Comerade, I have just had a terrible thought: What shall we say when Stalin dies?"

The man behind her replies, "In that case I think we can say 'Thank God.'"

# The Plaid Condom

A Scotsman clad in a kilt walks up to the counter in an Apothecary. From his pocket he takes a plaid condom that has been heavily used, torn, patched, sewn, and is currently split down one side.

He asks the proprietor, "How much to replace this, Ian?"

The proprietor says, "Why, Angus, that'll be four pence."

Then the Scotsman asks, "How much to repair?"

The proprietor looks the condom over carefully, and says, "Three pence to repair."

The Scotsman ponders for a moment, then says, "I'll be back."

Later in the day, the Scotsman returns with a smile on his face and says, "Ian, the Regiment has voted to repair!"

# Please Fix My Watch

A tourist in a strange town notices that her watch is broken. She starts looking for a repair shop. After a long and frustrating search she finds herself in an area where many shop signs are in Hebrew. Finally, she notices that one of the stores has all kinds of clocks and watches ticking merrily in the window. She walks into the shop and puts her watch on the counter in front of the proprietor.

Tourist: "Would you please repair this watch."

Proprietor: "Madam, I cannot repair your watch."

T: "But why not? It is an ordinary model."

P: "Madam, I do not repair watches. I am a moel, I perform circumcisions."

T (irritated): "Then why on earth do you have all these clocks in your window?"

P: "Well, and what should I have in my window?"

# Merciful God

The old Jewish man was walking on the beach with his only grandson, when a giant wave crashes onshore, sweeping the boy out to sea. The man looks up to the heavens and says, "Oh Lord, this is my only grandson, how can you take him away from me like this? My son will not understand. My daughter-in-law will die from grief."

Another wave comes by, and deposits the boy at the old man's feet.

The grandfather looks to the heavens again and says, "He had a hat!"

# Soviet Technology

At recent trade talks the American representative offered to sell sophisticated American telephone technology to the Soviets.

American : "And in the United States, anyone can pick up any phone and dial 9-1-1. This will record the call and connect them with the police."

Soviet : "In the Soviet Union we don't require that you dial anything."

# The Birds and the Bees

There is this French couple, sitting up talking, when the wife says to the husband that it was time he had a conversation with their thirteen year old son about the birds and the bees.

So the father goes to his son's room and says, "Son, do you remember that session I arranged for you with mademoiselle Ginette?"

"Oh yes papa, I remember very well," says the son.

"Well son, it is time you knew that the birds and the bees do the same thing."

# Maiden Flight *

Amos looked at himself in the mirror above the crew lounge restroom sink and put a hundred mission crush on his new cap. He looked impressive in his pilots uniform, especially now that he had put on the captain's strips he had just been awarded. A few minutes later he strode onto the Boeing 737, smiled at the stewardess and nodded to the passengers, as he entered the cockpit and closed the door. He sat down in the left hand seat, put on his headset and turned on the intercom.

"This is your captain," said Amos, in a clear and professional sounding voice, "Amos Jacob Mosses Brown. This is a very auspicious day for me and the members of my race, since I am the first black pilot to be promoted to captain on a major airline. I am indeed proud.

I would like to welcome you all aboard flight 267, non-stop to Chicago. Our estimated flying time is two hours and twelve minutes. We will be flying at approximately 34,000 feet. Visibility is clear and the ground temperature in Chicago is a balmy 74 degrees. The weather en route is clear and we expect a smooth and comfortable flight.

Now if you will just be patient for a few more moments, I'll see if I can get dis big mother-fucker off da ground."

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# All the Same

A Chinese man and his Jewish friend were walking along one day when the Jewish man whirled and slugged the Chinese man and knocked him down.

"What was that for?" the Chinese man asked.

"That was for Pearl Harbor!" the Jewish man said.

"Pearl Harbor? That was the Japanese. I'm Chinese."

"Chinese, Japanese, you are all the same!"

"Oh!"

They continued walking and after a while the Chinese man whirled and knocked the Jewish man to the ground.

"What was that for?" the Jewish man asked.

"That was for sinking the Titanic!"

"The Titanic? That was an iceberg."

"Iceberg, Goldberg, you are all the same."

# Faulty Tire Suit

Edward was a second rate attorney from a small town in Mississippi. Like a lot of other second rate country lawyers, Edward chased ambulances to try and line up liability suits he could represent. At the site of one accident, he talked to an elderly black woman named Bessie May Brown, who had been injured in a minor accident. Edward convinced the lady that she should sue the tire manufacturer because she could not stop in time to avoid hitting a roadside tree.

After making his opening his opening arguments, Edward called Bessie to the stand.

"Ms. Brown," said Edward, "were you cited in the accident?"

"Yes Sir," said Bessie, "I was so 'cited I peed all over myself!! "

# Great Speech

A colleague was invited to give a speech in Japan. Aware of his reputation as a very good speaker, he was surprised that his audience did not react at all to any of his perfectly timed jokes and witticisms. In fact, the audience did not react to anything he said.

Somewhat put down, he went back to his seat and a Japanese gentleman appeared on the stage. This man had a terrific success! People laughed and applauded, and although the original speaker could not understand one bit of what was said. Still he started to applaud, as the man evidently deserved praise for this perfect speech.

He was interrupted by the chairman of the conference: "No no, sir. You must not applaud!"

Dumbfounded, he protested: "But why? This man is obviously a very good speaker."

"No sir, you must not applaud, he is translating your speech."

# Cultural Euphemisms **

The wives of four presidents and prime minister are talking about how one refers to the penis in their language.

The wife of Tony Blair says that in England people call it a gentleman, because it stands up when women are entering.

The wife of Boris Yeltsin says that in Russia you call it a patriot, because you never know if it will hit you on the front or on the back side.

The wife of Chirac says that in France you call it a curtain, because it goes down after the act.

Then the wife of Clinton says that in the U. S. you call it a rumor, because it goes from mouth to mouth.

_** Risque_

# Exchange Rate *

A Chinese guy was trying to exchange yen for dollars and asked the teller "why it change, yestoday I get two hunat dollar for yen - today I get a hunat eighty?"

The teller says - "Fluctuations"

The Chinese guy says, "Fluc you white guys too"

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Paint Me in the Nude

Ole, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist. His fame grew and soon people from all over the country were coming to him for paintings. One day, a beautiful young woman pulled up to his house in a stretch limo. She asked Ole if he would paint her in the nude.

This was the first time anyone had made this request. The beautiful lady said money was no object; she was willing to pay $50,000.

Not wanting to get into trouble with his wife, Ole asked the lady to wait while he went in the house and conferred with Lena, his wife.

In a few minutes he returned and said to the lady, "Ya shoor, you betcha, lady. I'll paint ya in da nude, but I'll have ta leave on my socks so I'll have a place to vipe my brushes."

# Jewish Nursing Home *

A local Mexican family was considering putting their grandfather in a nursing home. All the Catholic facilities were completely full so they put him in a Jewish home. After a few weeks in the Jewish facility, the family went to visit grandpa.

"Pa-Pa...how do you like it here...?" asked the grandson.

"It's wonderful...! Everyone here is very courteous and respectful,"

"We all are so very happy for you. We were worried that this was not a good place for you....."

Grandpa smiled, then said, "Let me tell you something about the way they treat the residents here....there's an old musician here -- he's 85-years old.....he hasn't played the fiddle in over 20 years and everyone still calls him 'The Maestro'....! There's an old physician here too -- he's 90 years old. He hasn't practiced medicine for over 25 years and everybody still calls him 'Doc'......And for me..., I haven't had sex for over 30 years and they still call me... 'The Fucking Mexican.'"

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# John Fluff *

The Reverend John Fluff was the pastor of a small parish in Ireland.

One day he was walking down the high street, when he noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer. The Reverend wasn't happy. He walked through the open door of the pub and sat down next to the woman.

"Miss Fitzgerald," he said sternly. "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?"

"Sure," she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.

When Miss Fitzgerald stood up from the bar she began to weave back and forth. The Reverend realized that she'd had far too much to drink and grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few moments, the Reverend wound up on top of Miss Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.

The pub landlord looked over and said, "Oi mate, we won't have any of that carrying on in this pub."

The Reverend looked up at the landlord and said, "But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Fluff!"

The landlord nodded and said, "Oh well, if you're that far in, you might as well finish."

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Room Service

A businessman is a guest in an asian hotel where he is staying while on a business trip in the far east. The businessman has just called room service to order some breakfast.

Room Service: "Morrin. ; Roon sirbees."

Guest: "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."

Room Service: "Rye..Roon sirbees..morrin! Jewish to oddor sunteen??"

Guest: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs."

Room Service: "Ow July den?"

Guest: "What??"

Room Service: "Ow July den?...pryed, boyud, poochd?"

Guest: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."

Room Service: "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?"

Guest: "Crisp will be fine."

Room Service : "Hokay. An Sahn toes?"

Guest: "What?"

Room Service:"An toes. July Sahn toes?"

Guest: "I don't think so."

Room Service: "No? Judo wan sahn toes??"

Guest: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan sahn toes' means."

Room Service: "Toes! toes!...Why jew don juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we bodder?"

Guest: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine."

Room Service: "We bodder?"

Guest: "No...just put the bodder on the side."

Room Service: "Wad! ?"

Guest: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."

Room Service: "Copy?"

Guest: "Excuse me?"

Room Service: "Copy...tea...meel?"

Guest: "Yes. Coffee, please, and that's all."

Room Service: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin we bodder on sigh and copy....rye??"

Guest: "Whatever you say."

Room Service: "Tenjewberrymuds."

Guest: "You're very welcome."

# A Parking Space for Pedro

Pedro was driving down the street in a panic because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking space.

Looking up toward heaven, he said "Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking space I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up tequila."

Miraculously, a parking space appeared.

Pedro looked up again and said "Never mind. I found one."

# Three Vampires ***

There are these three vampires. The first vampire walks into a bar and, with a Transylavanian accent, says, "Bartender, give me a shot of blood." The bartender gives him the shot of blood, the vampire drinks it, and leaves.

The second vampire walks into the bar and, with a Transylavanian accent, says, "Bartender, give me a shot of blood." The bartender gives him the shot of blood, the vampire drinks it, and leaves.

The third vampire walks into a bar and, with a British accent, says, "Bartender, give me a cup of hot water."

The bartender says, "Why do you want a cup of hot water?"

The vampire pulls out a dirty tampon and says, "Tea time."

_*** May not be suitable for mixed company_

# Sean Connery's Routine

Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson (British TV chat show host), and bragged that despite his 72 years of age, he could still have sex three times a night. Lulu (A female Glaswegian pop singer of the 60s thro 90s'), who was also a guest, looked intrigued.

After the show, Lulu said, "Sean, if Ah'm no bein too forward, Ah'd love tae hae sex wi an aulder man. Let's go back tae mah place."

So they go back to her place and have great sex.

Afterwards, Sean says, "If you think that was good, let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have even better shex. But while I'm shleeping, hold my baws in your left hand and my wullie in your right hand."

Lulu looks a bit perplexed, but says, "okay." He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex.

Then Sean says, "Lulu, that was wonderful. But if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. But again, hold my baws in your left hand, and my wullie in your right hand."

Lulu is now used to the routine and complies. The results are mind blowing. Once it's all over, and the cigarettes are lit, Lulu asks "Sean, tell me, dis mah haudin yer baws in mah left hand and yer wullie in mah right stimulate ye while ye're sleepin?"

Sean replies, "No, but the lasht time I shlept with a Glashwegian, she shtole ma wallet..........."

# Medical Marvels

A British doctor says, "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another man, and have him looking for work in six weeks."

A German doctor says, "That's nothing . We can take a lung out of one person, put it in another man,and have him looking for work in four weeks."

A Russian doctor says, "In my country, medicine is so advanced we take half a heart out of one person, put it in another man,and have both of them looking for work in two weeks."

The American doctor, not to be outdone, says, "You guys are way behind us. We just took a man with no brain out of Texas, put him in the White House, and now half the country is looking for work.

# Great Anniversary Present

Lars was having a beer in a small town tavern in rural Minnesota. "Would you like another beer?" Says the bartender.

"No thank you," says Lars, "I'm a little short on cash this month."

"Get laid off work at the tractor factory?" Says the barkeep.

"No," says Lars, "Last month was Helga and my twenty-fifth wedding anniversary and it took every dime I could get my hands on to send her on a trip to Norway to visit her family."

"That's quite a nice present," says the bartender, "what are you going to do on your fiftieth anniversary to top that?"

"Well," says Lars, as he pays for his beer, "If I can save up enough money by then, I would like to bring her back."

# Three Unfaithful Wives

Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar.

His first friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine."

His second friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber, the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine."

Paddy says: "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse." Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief.

"No, I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed."

# Stupid Wives

An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar, drinking, and discussing how stupid their wives were.

The Englishman says, ''I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the supermarket and bought $300 worth of meat because it was on sale, and we don't even have a fridge to keep it in.''

The Scotsman agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his wife is thicker.

'' Just last week, she went out and spent $17,000 on a new car,'' he laments, ''and she doesn't even know how to drive!''

The Irishman nods sagely, and agrees that these two woman sound like they both walked through the stupid forest and got hit by every branch.

However, he still thinks his wife is dumber. ''Ah, it kills me every time I think of it,'' he chuckles. ''My wife left to go on a trip to Greece. I watched her packing her bag, and she must have put about 100 condoms in there and she doesn't even have a penis!''

# Chapter 5

# Newlywed Jokes

#

Illustration by Terry Eade

Some of the jokes in this chapter may appear in other chapters. For example a joke about a newlywed couple on a camping trip may appear here and in the Fishing & Camping Jokes section. However, the jokes will have the same title in both chapters. The illustration above was drawn by the author and is protected by copyright.

The jokes have been annotated by an asterisk (*) for those which have language or content you may find offensive, a double asterisk (**) for those which are risque, and a triple asterisk (***) for those which may not be suitable for mixed company. Those jokes without annotation are more suitable for general audiences and usually more appropriate for speaking engagements. Viewer discretion is recommended.

# Last Minute Coaching *

A guy gets married but is a virgin and needs help with technique. He gets a friend to tag along and rent a room that connects via the bathroom. He figures he can pretend that nature called and go get advice at any time.

As soon as he and his wife get started, he becomes confused and rushes to the bathroom. While he's in there, his new bride discovers that she needs to take a dump badly. She finds a shoe box and squats down and takes care of business. As she finishes, he starts to come out so she turns out the lights and jumps into bed.

As he walks across the room, he steps in it and screams, "Oh man, this box is full of shit!" His buddy yells out from the bathroom, "turn 'er over Fred, turn 'er over".

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Did I Say Something Wrong?

There was a man who had just gotten married and was spending his wedding night with his new wife in a very posh hotel. It was to be the first time that he had ever had sex with his partner, indeed he had never even seen her nude.

As they were both undressing, he looked up from taking off his socks to notice that she did in fact have very large breasts. He said as much to her, but the poor girl, who had always had a bit of a complex about them, got very distraught. So much so that she sent him, blanket in hand, to go and sleep in the corridor.

The man was pretty upset at this, but, not wishing to fuel her anger further, did as he was told. Just as he was getting off to sleep, another man came into the corridor and joined him. The first man asked the second why he was out there, to which the second replied that he was also on his wedding night and had never had the pleasure of seeing his new wife's body before either.

When she was undressing, he had complemented her on having a rather large bum. She hadn't been impressed with his comment, and had ordered him to go and sleep in the corridor.

It wasn't long before jilted honeymooner number three sulkily sauntered along to join the other two.

"What's wrong with you?" Asked the first. "Did you put your foot in it as well?"

"No," replied the third, "but I bloody well could have..."

# See I Told You

Man and a woman had been dating for about a year and their relationship was taking a turn towards getting serious. Man proposed and she accepted, however she told him that she wanted him to know that her chest was just like a baby's. He said that he loved her and that her measurements didn't matter to him. He also told her that his penis was also like a baby. She said that she loved him and size didn't matter.

Come the day of the wedding and all went well. That night the happy couple checked into the honeymoon suite at the resort hotel. The blushing bride was in the bathroom putting on a sexy nightie. Her husband was in the bed waiting. As she entered the bedroom, she reminded him of her confession about her chest being like a baby.

"Don't worry honey" he said. She took her night gown off and her breasts were the smallest he had ever seen. He said that he was going to get undressed and reminded her of his confession about his penis being like a baby.

As he took his pants off the new bride said, "Good God All Mighty. I thought you said your penis was like a baby"

"It is," he said, "9 pounds and 21 inches long!"

# Tell Momma the Problem

A couple gets married, and the girl's mother lives downstairs. The girl has never made love to a man before, and on their wedding night, when he takes off his shirt, she goes running downstairs.

"Momma, Momma," she cries. "I can't believe it! He has hair all over his chest! I can't make love to him, it's disgusting!"

The mother says to her, "He's your husband, you do what he wants you to. Now go back upstairs."

When the girl gets back upstairs, the man takes off his pants. This sends her running back down to her mother. "Momma, Momma! It's terrible! He has hair all over his legs!"

The mother tells the girl, "Look, he is your husband, you are his wife. You go back upstairs and do what he wants."

The girl goes back upstairs, and the man takes off his shoes and socks. She looks down and sees that half of one of his feet is missing. She goes crying back down the stairs. "Momma, Momma! He's got a foot and a half!"

"You stay here," says the mother. "I'll go upstairs!"

# Fiftieth Anniversary

An elderly couple were planning their fiftieth wedding anniversary and decided that they would try and get reservations at the same hotel that they spent their honeymoon at fifty years before. When the wife called the hotel and explained their situation the desk clerk was very moved and not only got them a reservation for the date they wanted but even got them the same honeymoon suite that they had stayed at some fifty years before.

When they arrived the management of the hotel had let all the staff know of the special couple and everyone treated them like royalty. They had a scrumptious dinner and then danced to the anniversary waltz. After they had a few drinks and danced a while, they went back to the room where the staff had put a chilled bottle of champaign on ice to top off their romantic evening. While the husband was downing a Viagra pill with a glass of champaign the wife went into the bathroom to slip into a very sexy nightgown she had bought especially for the occasion.

When the wife came out of the bathroom with her sexy nightgown on she found the husband sitting on the bed drinking his champaign and laughing.

"What is so funny?' she asked.

"Well", he said with a grin, "I guess this time it's my turn to sit on the side of the bed and cry because it's too big."

# Don't Bug Me

A honeymoon couple is in the Watergate Hotel in Washington. The bride is concerned "What if the place is still bugged?"

The groom says "I'll look for a bug." He looks behind the drapes, behind the pictures, under the rug. Finally, he says, "Ah!" Under the rug was a disc with four screws. He gets his Swiss army knife, unscrews the screws, throws them and the disc out the window.

The next morning, the hotel manager asks the newlyweds "How was your room? How was the service? How was your stay at the Watergate Hotel?"

The groom says, "Why are you asking me all of these questions?"

The hotel manager says "Well, the room under you complained of the chandelier falling on them."

# Important to Abstain

There were these three couples; one elderly, one middle aged, and one newly-wed that wanted to join the church. So the minister tells them that in order to be members they must abstain from sex for two whole weeks.

After two weeks, the minister asks the elderly couple if they had abstained, and they replied, "Yes, no problem!" So the minister says, "Welcome to the church!"

Then he asks the middle aged couple the same question, and they said, "Well, after one week, the husband had to sleep on the couch, but we made it!" So the minister says to them, "Welcome to the church!"

Then the minister asks the newlywed couple if they had abstained from sex for two weeks. The husband says, "We were unable to abstain, on the third day, my wife dropped a bottle of shampoo and when she bent over to pick it up, lust and passion overcame me".

So the minister says, "I'm sorry, but you are both banned from this church!"

To this the husband replies, "That's O.K., we're banned from Walgreens, too."

# Basic Training

A naive young fellow got engaged to a lovely girl, and when they went in for their blood tests it quickly became apparent to the doctor that the husband-to-be had no idea what sexual intercourse consisted of.

Taking pity on the bride, Dr. Jones explained about the birds and the bees and the coconut trees, but the vague smile on the young man's face was unconvincing. The doctor's second attempt to explain the ritual of the wedding night left the groom-to-be smiling and nodding, but clearly baffled. So the good doctor gave it one more try, to no avail.

Thoroughly frustrated, the doctor instructed the young woman to undress and lie down upon the examination table. She obeyed happily enough, and Dr. Jones, a humanitarian through and through, proceeded to demonstrate for the young man. For forty minutes he demonstrated.

Finally, sweaty and exhausted, he hauled himself up on his elbows, turned to the fiancé, and said, "Now do you understand what I've been trying to tell you?" At last a glimmer of comprehension came into the young man's blue eyes. "I've got it now, Doc," he cried happily.

"Good, good," said the doctor in relief, getting down from the table and pulling up his pants. "Do you have any further questions?"

"Just one," admitted the young man."

"Yes," asked the doctor testily.

"All I need to know, Dr. Jones, is how often do I have to bring her in?"

# Fruits of Love *

A newlywed couple were spending their honeymoon in a remote log cabin in the mountains of Arkansas. They had registered on Saturday and hadn't been seen for two days. The elderly woman who ran the resort got concerned about the welfare of the newlyweds, and sent her redneck husband to check on them. The husband knocks on the door of the cabin, and a weak voice from inside answers.

The old man asks, "Are you young folks all right? Ya must be hungry and Ma has some tasty vittles on the stove."

"We're just fine," the woman answered. We're living on the fruits of love."

After a few more days with without any sign of the newlyweds the wife again dispatches the husband to check on the young couple.

After knocking on the door the Redneck says "Look I know you flatlanders are on your honeymoon, but you got to be starved by now and we could bring you a sandwich or a bowl of soup."

"Were not hungry" responded the man, "were living on the fruits of love."

"That's just fine," says the redneck,, "but would you stop throwing the peelings out the window? They're choking my ducks!"

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Irish Wedding **

A wedding occurred just outside Cavan in Ireland. To keep tradition going, everyone got extremely drunk and the bride's and groom's families have a storming row and begin wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the living daylights out of each other. The Police get called in to break up the fight.

The following week, all members of both families appear in court. The fight continues in the court room until the Judge finally brings calm with the use of his gavel, shouting, "Silence in Court!" The court room goes silent and Paddy, the Best Man, stands up and says, "Judge, I was the Best Man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened."

The Judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand. Paddy begins his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Cavan wedding that the Best Man gets the first dance with the bride. The judge says, "Okay."

"Well," said Paddy, "After I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song, when all of a sudden the groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the bride an unmerciful kick right between her legs."

Shocked, the Judge instantly responded, "God, that must have hurt!"

"Hurt?!" Paddy replies. "He broke three of my fingers!

_** Risque_

# Small Change **

A young Jewish girl come home one day and announces, "Ma, I got married."

"Oy, that's great," her mother says.

"But Ma, he's an Arab," the girl continues.

Her mother replies, "Oy, that's terrible!"

"But Ma," the girl goes on, "He's an Arab sheik. He's wealthy beyond your wildest dreams. You and daddy are going to live in the lap of luxury for the rest of your lives!"

Six months later, the girl walks into the house and says, "Ma, I love my Arab sheik, but my God, all he wants to do is screw me in the rear. Day and night, that's all he wants to do. When we got married, my asshole was the size of a dime, now it's the size of a silver dollar!"

Her mother says, "So, for ninety cents you're going to make trouble?"

_** Risque_

# Let's Get Things Straight

A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night.

As they undressed for bed, the husband, who was a big burly man, tossed his pants to his bride and said, "here put these on."

She put them on, and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your pants," she said.

"That's right!!", said the husband, "and don't you forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family!"

With that she flipped him her panties and said, "try these on." He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecap.

He said, "Hell, I can't get into your panties!"

She said, "That's right, and that's the way it's going to be until your damn attitude changes!"

# Top Notch Condition

John is out on the golf course and takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. He finally gets himself to the doctor.

John says, "How bad is it, doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiance is still a virgin in every way."

The doctor says , "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week."

So the doctor takes four tongue depressors and forms a neat little 4-sided bandage and wires it all together. It is an impressive work of art. John mentions none of this to his girlfriend.

They marry and on their honeymoon night in the motel room, she takes off her bra to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. She says, "You are the first, no one has ever touched these breasts."

Next she drops her panties and says "look at this vagina, it has never been seen or touched by any man."

Not wanting to be outdone, John pulls down his shorts, whips it out and says, "look at this penis, it's still in the crate!"

# Three Virgin Daughters *

A mother had Three virgin daughters. They were all getting married within a short time period. Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but "Nescafe".

Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said: "Good 'til the last drop." Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.

The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read "Benson & Hedges".

Mom now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes, and she read from the Benson & Hedges pack: "Extra Long. King Size". She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.

The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived. Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words" "British Airways".

Mom took out her latest Harper's Bazaar magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for the airline. The ad said: "Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways."

Mom fainted.

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Divine Matrimony

Betty & Tim were killed in an auto accident on the eve of their wedding. When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter met them.

They asked if they could still be married in Heaven.

"Well, let me find out if this is possible. Stay here and I will be right back."

Six months passed and finally Peter returned.

"Yes, we can do this for you."

"Well, as we have spent so much time together waiting for your answer, we need to know that if things don't work out there's a possibility that we could be divorced?'

To which St. Peter answered "It took me six months to find a priest up here...how long do you think it will take me to find a lawyer?"

# Opening Night Performance

A newly married man was discussing his honeymoon. He says to his buddy at lunch, "Last night, I rolled over, tapped my beautiful young wife on the shoulder, gave her a wink, and we had ourselves a performance!

Later that night, about 2 o'clock, I rolled over, gave my sweetie a nudge, and we had ourselves another performance. Well, being so newly married and not yet tired of the task, I waited quietly in bed while my beauty slept until I couldn't wait any longer.

It was 4 o'clock when I gave her a little nudge. She opened her blue eyes and smiled sweetly. We immediately had ourselves a rehearsal."

"A rehearsal?" his buddy asks, "Don't you mean a performance?"

"No, because a rehearsal is when nobody comes."

# The Practical Joke

There were four old high school buddies who stayed close over the years and continued to play practical jokes on each other. One was a dentist, another an electrician, the third a salesperson, and the fourth a carpenter. Every Monday morning they would meet for breakfast at a low income diner.

They were all married except the salesman. When he was married, he went on his honeymoon with his wife. The other three still met for breakfast when he was gone. An idea came up to play some practical jokes on the new married person.

"I'll cut his bed slats almost through so his bed will collapse when he is making love," said the carpenter.

"I'll hot wire his mattress so that they'll get a shock while making love.'

"Those are good ideas," said the dentist. "I'm not sure what I'm going to do but I'll think of something."

The next Monday the salesman comes into the diner. He says "I expected you guys to do something so when we got shocked we just pulled out the wires and kept going. Then the bed collapsed and we were a little miffed, but we just continued making love on the floor. Then we went at it for three hours without reaching a climax before we realized that someone had put novocane in the vaseline. That was really going too far."

# Breaking Her In Right

An Amish couple had just been married and had gone to a hotel for their honeymoon. The Amish man went to the front desk and asked for a room.

He said this occasion was very special to them and they needed a good room.

The clerk asked if he wanted the bridal.

The Amish fellow thought about it a while and then replied, 'No, I guess not, I'll just hold onto her ears until she gets used to it.'

# Revised Wedding Vows

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer:

"Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I'm supposed to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that out."

He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied. On the day of the wedding, when it came time for the groom's vows, the pastor looked the young man in the eye and said:

"Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"

The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes," then leaned toward the pastor and hissed: "I thought we had a deal."

The pastor put a $100 bill into the groom's hand and whispered: "She made me a better offer."

# It Won't Bite

A young boy caught sight of his mother changing one day, and asked her what that was that she had between her legs.

"That is something you're never going to talk about again. And you shouldn't touch it either, because it has teeth." Many years went by, and the boy never touched any girl in between her legs, because he was very scared. One day, however, he met the love of his life and, in time, they got married. On their wedding night, his wife asked him to touch her there.

"No," he said, "it's got teeth."

"Silly goose!" she said. She spread her legs wide for him to see. "See? No teeth!"

"Well, I'm not surprised," the man said."Not with gums like that."

# Brilliant Observation **

Sherlock Holmes and Watson were walking through a park, when they passed three women, eating bananas.

"Good evening, ladies," said Sherlock. After they passed, Watson asked if he knew those women.

"No, Watson, I don't know them, but I can tell you that the first one was a virgin, the second a prostitute, and the third a newlywed."

"That's amazing Holmes," says Watson, "how did you deduce that?"

"Elementary, my dear Watson. The virgin was eating the banana by breaking it into small pieces. The prostitute was shoving entire the banana into her mouth. And the new bride was holding the banana with one hand and forcing her head down with the other."

_** Risque_

# Flowers for My New Bride

On a friday afternoon a brunette and a blonde were having coffee at the brunettes house. Then the brunette looked up and saw her new husband coming down the street with a bunch of flowers in his hand.

The brunette said, "There comes my husband with flowers in his hand. Now I'll have to spend the whole weekend on my back with my legs in the air."

Puzzeled, the blonde promptly replied, "Don't you have a vase?"

# Baked Beans

Once upon a time there lived a woman in Brampton who had a maddening passion for baked beans. She loved them, but unfortunately they always gave her a very embarrassing, and somewhat lively reaction. When it became apparent that she and her boyfriend would marry she thought to herself, ''He is such a sweet and gentle man but I don't think he can live with my problems.'' So she decided to make the supreme sacrifice and give up beans.

A year later her car broke down on the way home from work. Since she lived in the country, she called her husband and told him she would be late because she had to walk home. On her way, she passed a small diner and the odor of the baked beans was more than she could stand. Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she could walk off any ill effect by the time she reached home. So she stopped at the diner, and before she knew it she had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home she putt-putted.

Upon arriving home she felt reasonably sure she could control it. Her husband seemed excited to see her, exclaming delightedly, ''Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight.'' He then blindfolded her then led her to a chair at the table. Just as he was about to remove the blindfold the phone rang. He made her promise not to touch the blindfold till he came back. Then he went to answer the phone.

The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted the weight to one leg, and let it go. It was not only loud, but it smelt like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk coming from a pulp mill. She took a napkin and fanned the air around her vigorously. Then she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which reminded her of cabbage cooking. Keeping her ears turned to the conversation in the other room, she went on like this for another ten minutes. When the phone farewells signed the end of her freedom, she fanned the air a few more times with the napkin, placed it on her lap and folded her hands upon it, smiling contently to herself, she was the picture of innocence when her husband returned. Apologizing for taking so long, he asked her if she peeked and she assured him that she had not. At this point, he removes the blindfold to reveal twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish her a first Happy Anniversary!

# A Down Under Virgin

An American woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man who has never been with a woman sexually.

After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad. She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian Outback. And after a long-distance courtship, they decide to get married.

On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the festivities. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner.

"What happened?" she asks.

"I've never been with a woman," he says. "But if it's anything like screwing a kangaroo I'm gonna need all the room I can get!

# Guardian Angel

A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice: ''Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you.''

The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished. He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: ''Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die.''

The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him. ''Where are you?'' the man asked. ''Who are you?''

''I am your guardian angel,'' the voice answered.

''Oh yeah?'' the man asked... ''And where the hell were you six months ago, when I got married?'

# Honeymoon in Hawaii

A newlywed couple goes on their honeymoon in Hawaii. They get a master suite in their hotel. The man's wife leaves, but the staff fails to notice.

A few hours later, the man goes to the manager at the desk, and says, he is "checking out."

The manager asks him where his wife is.

The man tells the manager that she left him.

The manager asks, "Why, didn't you have a good time last night?"

The man replies, "No, I had the best night of my life last night."

The manager asks, "Then why did she leave you?"

The man replies, "It was with the maid."

# To Have and to Hold

After a few months of married life the new husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up. But then the new bride stops and says: ''I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.''

The husband says, ''What?'' The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman. The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.

So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big department store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. She can't decide. He tells his wife to take all three of them.

Then they go over and get matching shoes worth $200 each. And then they go to the Jewelry Department where she gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited. She thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care. She goes for the tennis bracelet.

The husband says, ''But you don't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then let's get it.''

The wife is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on.

She says ''Okay, I'm ready, let's go to the cash register.''

The husband says, ''No - no - no, honey we're not going to buy all this stuff.''

The wife's face goes blank.

''No honey - I just want you to hold this stuff for a while," says the husband.

# Honeymoon Surprises

A guy enters a bar and he finds a friend of his. So he sits down with his friend and tells him, ''Friend, I got a dilemma.''

The friend asks him, ''What's the problem?''

He says, ''Well, I went on my honeymoon and I was excited because I would make love to her for the first time.''

And the friend asks, ''So what is the problem?''

''Let me finish,'' says the friend. ''When the time came, my wife took out her orthopaedic leg, and put it in the closet. Then she took out her arm, and put it in the closet. Then she took out her eye, and finally took off her hair and put them both in the closet.''

''Wow,'' says his friend, ''and what seems to be the dilemma?''

''Well,'' says the guy, ''I don't know if I should make love to her on the bed or the closet."

# A Happy Ending

A recently-married man goes into a drugstore to pick up some things. The clerk greets him....

Clerk: Hey, how did the wedding go?

Man: Well, we got married.

Clerk: That's good!

Man: No, that's bad. I wasn't wearing any clothes.

Clerk: Oh that is bad!

Man: No, that's good -- she didn't care and she's rich.

Clerk: Oh, that is good.

Man: No, that's bad. She won't give me any or spend any of it.

Clerk: Oh, that's bad.

Man: No, that's good: She bought a house.

Clerk: Oh, that's good

Man: No, that's bad -- it burned down.

Clerk: Oh that is bad.

Man: No that's good -- she was in it!

# Southern Sex Education *

A woman from Alabama, who knew absolutely nothing about sex, fell in love with a man and agreed to marry him. The honeymoon went well and was great fun, but as soon as she got home, she went to see her doctor to question him on some of the new things she'd seen.

"What can I help you with?'' he asked.

''Well first, what is that thing between my husband's legs called?''

''Ma'am,'' he answered, ''that there is called a penis.''

''I see,'' she said. ''Now what is the big thing on the end of the penis called?''

''Why that there is called the head of the penis.''

''I do declare!'' exclaimed the young woman. ''One last question doctor, what are those two big round things about 12 to 14 inches behind the head of the penis?''

''I'm not sure about your husband, ma'am, but on me, they're called the cheeks of my ass!'

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Newlywed Rules

A typical macho man married typical good-looking woman and, after the wedding, laid down the following rules: ''I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want -- and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect dinner to be on the table unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?''

His new bride said, ''No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there'll be sex here at 7 o'clock every night -- whether you're here or not.'

# Personal Hygiene

A young man and a young woman were soon to be married, but they both had a problem they had never told anyone else about. The man approached his father one day before the wedding and told him about his problem. His feet really stunk, even if he washed them constantly, he was worried that this would scare off his new bride, so he needed a solution, fast. His father pondered the situation and finally told his son to wear socks constantly (even to bed) and always wash his feet whenever he got a chance.

The son thought about this and went along happy. The same day the young lady approached her mother and told her about her problem. Her morning breath was horrid. Her mother reassured her and told her everyone had bad morning breath. The young woman told her mother that this was not normal morning breath but easily the worst in the world. The mother thinks about this and comes up with this bright idea. She tells her daughter to get up earlier than everyone else and don't say a thing, go make breakfast and then brush her teeth while the others are eating. The young woman thinks and then runs off to get ready for the wedding, happy.

The couple is married and they are happy, him with his perpetual socks and her with her morning silences. One morning about 5:30 am the young man wakes up to find one sock missing. He starts rustling around in the bed looking for it, which of course wakes up his wife, who without thinking asks what's wrong. With a look of shock on his face the young man says, ''Oh my god! You've swallowed my sock!'

# The Other White Meat **

A couple decides to get married, despite the fact that the woman doesn't know how to cook at all. After all, he says, they can live on love. After the honeymoon is over, the man goes back to work. One day, he calls from work and asks if his new wife could make some dinner. Knowing full well that she doesn't cook, she asks if they can make love instead. The man agrees, and soon arrives home to find his wife sliding repeatedly down the bannister.

"What are you doing?" he asks, concerned.

"Oh, silly," she says. "I'm warming up your dinner!"

_** Risque_

# The Honeymoon is Over

A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. Her mother asked, ''How was the honeymoon?''

''Oh, mama,'' she replied, ''the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic...''

Suddenly she burst out crying. ''But, mama, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language...things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home.... Please mama!''

''Sarah,'' her mother said, ''calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?''

''Please don't make me tell you, mama,'' wept the daughter, ''I'm so embarrassed, they're just too awful! Come get me, please!''

''Darling, you must tell me what has you so upset....Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!''

Still sobbing, the bride said, ''Oh, mama...words like DUST, WASH, IRON, COOK...!'

# Your Breakfast Sir **

Three couples were married and stayed at the same hotel for their honeymoons, where they were all taken care of by Dave the Bellboy. The first man married a nurse. Dave showed them to their room and thought to himself, "What a lucky guy. Nurses are known to be hot to trot".

The second man married a telephone operator. Dave showed them to their room and thought to himself,"Wow, he's a lucky one. Telephone operators have sexy voices and once you pop that top button...Va-voom.".

The third man married a school teacher. Dave showed them to their room and thought to himself, "Poor guy, she's pretty but teachers are just too frigid".

The next morning, Dave reported to work at 5:30 in the morning. He expected only the teacher's husband to call for breakfast any minute and the other two would call much later in the day.

At 6:00 a.m. the phone rang. It was the nurse's husband wanting breakfast. The nurse's husband opened the door and Dave stepped back in shock. The man's pajamas were still pressed and his hair nicely combed.

Dave asked, "What happened sir? You married a nurse.

The man sourly replies, "Son, don't ever marry a nurse. All I heard last night was her nagging voice saying, " You're not sanitary, you're not sanitary."

At 6:30 a.m., the phone rang again. The telephone operator's husband called for breakfast. Dave brought it as fast as possible hoping for the best. The man opened the door and Dave stepped back in shock. The man's hair and pajamas were properly combed and pressed.

Dave asked," What happened? Telephone operators are supposed to be as sexy as their voices."

The man sourly replies "Son, don't ever marry a telephone operator. All I heard last night was her a nasal voice saying, "You're three minutes are up, your three minutes are up."

Dave went back down to the desk, just knowing the teachers husband would be calling any minute.

Finally at 4:30 p.m., the teacher's husband called for breakfast.

Dave can't believe it but quickly took the breakfast to the couples room. The man opened the door and Dave took a step back in shock. The man was wearing only his boxers, his hair was a mess, and he had scratch marks on his chest, arms and legs.

Joe fearing the worst, asked " What happened to you? Did you have a fight?"

The man smiled and happily replied, "No. Son, when you marry, be sure to marry a school teacher. All I heard last night was her sexy smooth voice saying "We are going to do this over and over, until we get right."

_** Risque_

# A Bad Bust

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer," the man began, "I can explain."

"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."

"But, officer, I just wanted to say,..."

"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."

"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."

# Fishing on His Honeymoon **

A man and his newlywed check into a mountain resort by a lake. The desk clerk notices the "Just Married" sign still on the car. As soon as the man gets the luggage out of the car, he hops in a boat to go fishing.

He is out all day, comes back for a quick supper, picks up his lantern and goes back out at night. This goes on for a couple of days when the man happens to stop by the desk. The clerk starts a conversation with the man and mentions his behavior.

"I know it's none of my business, but I was wondering why you weren't having sex with your new wife."

"Oh, I couldn't do that; she has gonorrhea."

"Well, what about anal sex?"

"Couldn't do that; she has diarrhea."

"There is always oral sex."

"Nope, she has pyorrhea."

"Wait a second. If she has gonorrhea, diarrhea, and pyorrhea, why did you marry her?"

"That's easy. She also has worms, and I love to fish!"

_** Risque_

# Going Out for a Beer *

This couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go into town, tease the barmaids and party with his old buddies, so he says to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back..."

"Where are you going coochy cooh...?", asked the wife. "I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer."

The wife says to him, "You want a beer my love?" Then she opens the door to the refrigerator and shows him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.

The husband doesn't know what to do, and the only thing that he can think of saying is, "Yes, loolie loolie... but the bar.... you know... the frozen glass...". He didn't get to finish the sentence, when the wife interrupts him by saying, "You want a frozen glass puppy face"? She takes a huge beer mug out of the freezer so frozen that she was getting chills holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, says, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious...I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"

"You want hors d'oeuvres poochi pooh?" She opens the oven and takes out 15 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in a blanket, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.

"But sweet honey...at the bar...you know...the swearing, the dirty words and all that..."

The wife looks at him and said: "You want some dirty words cutie pie? SIT THE FUCK DOWN - DRINK YOUR FUCKIN' BEER IN YOUR FROZEN FUCKIN' MUG - EAT YOUR FUCKIN' SNACKS - YOU AREN'T GOING TO THE FUCKIN' BAR !!! GOT IT, ASSHOLE ?!?!"

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# How Many Children

A newlywed couple were visiting friends when the topic of children came up. The bride said she wanted three children, while the young husband said two would be enough for him. They discussed this discrepancy for a few minutes until the husband thought he'd put an end to things by saying boldly, "After our second child, I'll just have a vasectomy."

Without a moment's hesitation, the bride retorted, "Well, I hope you'll love the third one as if it's your own."

# Elderly Wedding

Jacob age 85, and Rebecca age 79 are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way go past a drugstore. Jacob suggests that they go in. He addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?" The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

Jacob: "Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds."

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "How about Viagra?"

Pharmacist: "Of course."

Jacob: "Medicine for memory?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety."

Jacob: "What about vitamins and sleeping pills?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jacob: "Perfect! We'd like to register here for our wedding gifts."

# Dislodging the Bee **

One day a young newlywed couple were in the honeymoon suite at a beautiful tropical resort. All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the window. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina. The woman started screaming, "Oh my god, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!".

The husband immediately took her to the resort's doctor and explained the situation. The doctor thought for a moment and said, "Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if you would permit".

The new husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out of his wife's vagina. The doctor said "OK, what I'm gonna do is rub some honey over the top of my penis and insert it into your wife's vagina. When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip of my dick I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow my penis out of your wife's vagina."

The husband nodded and gave his approval. The young lady said "Yes,yes, whatever, just get on with it."

So the doctor, after covering the tip of his penis with honey,inserted it into the young lady's vagina. After a few gentle strokes,the doctor said, "I don't think the bee has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should go a bit deeper".

So the doctor went deeper and deeper. After a while the doctor began shafting the young lady very hard indeed. The young lady began to quiver with excitement, she began to moan and groan aloud, "Oh doctor, doctor!" she shouted. The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself.

He then put his hands on the young lady's breasts and started making loud noises.

The new husband, at this point, suddenly became very annoyed and shouted. "Now wait a minute, what the hell do you think you're doing?!" he blasted.

The doctor, still concentrating, replied: "Change of plan, I'm gonna drown the bastard!!"

_** Risque_

# Blonde's New Cell Phone

A young man wanted to get his beautiful "blonde" wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decides to buy her a cell phone.

She is all excited, she loves her cell phone. He shows her and explains to her all the features on the phone. The next day the blonde goes shopping and then stops for a hair cut and a perm.

Her phone rings and it's her husband, "Hi hun,"he says "how do you like your new phone?"

She replies: "I just love, it's so small and your voice is clear as a bell! But there's one thing I don't understand though."

"What's that, baby?" asks the husband.

"How did you know I was at the beauty parlor?"

# The Old Groom

At 85 years of age, a somewhat senile Morris marries Luanne, a lovely 25-year-old.

Because her new husband is so old, Luanne decides that on their wedding night, she and Morris should have separate bedrooms. The newlywed is concerned that her new husband may over exert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities, Luanne prepares herself for bed, and for the expected "knock" on the door.

Sure enough, the knock comes, the door opens, and there is her 85-year-old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, whereupon Morris takes leave of Luanne, and she prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, Luanne hears another knock on her bedroom door. It's Morris! And he's again ready for more action. Somewhat surprised, Luanne consents to further coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Morris kisses Luanne, bids her a fond good night, and leaves. Luanne is set to go to sleep again.

However, after a few short minutes, there is another knock at her door, andthere he is again... Morris, as fresh as a 25-year-old and ready for a bit more action. And again they enjoy one another.

As Morris is once again set to leave, the young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age, honey, you have enough juice to go at it three times. I've been with guys less than a third your age who were only good once. You're a great lover, Morris!"

Morris, looking somewhat befuddled, turns to Luanne and says... "WHAT?...You mean I was here already?!"

# What Does That Mean **

An old man of 70 married a young girl of 18. When they got into bed the night after the wedding, he held up three fingers.

"Oh honey," said the young nymph, "Does that mean we're going to do it three times?"

"No," said the old man, "it means you can take your pick."

_** Risque_

# Saving it Up

This old geezer of 78 marries a girl of 18. The morning after the wedding night, the girl comes down with a pained expression on her face.

"What's the matter, dear?" asks the woman at the front desk.

"Well," sniffed the girl, "He told me he'd been saving up for 60 years, and I thought he meant his money!"

# Almost Every Night

A 70-year-old man has never been married. One day, he meets a beautiful 17-year-old girl, and it is love at first sight. They get married and go to Florida for their honeymoon.

When they get back, his friend says to him, "So, tell me, how was it?"

"Oh, it was beautiful," says the man. "The sun, the surf, we made love almost every night, we -"

His friend interrupts him. "A man your age! How did you make love almost every night?"

"Oh," says the man, "we almost made love Monday, we almost made love Tuesday..."

# Japanese Bride *

A young Japanese girl had been taught all of her life that when she married she was to please her husband and never upset him.

So the first morning of her honeymoon when the young Japanese bride crawled out of the bed after making love and she stooped down to pick up her husband's clothes and she let a big fart.

She looked up and said: "Scuse prease, front hole so happy back hole whistle!"

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Delicate Washables

A newlywed couple returned to their apartment after being on their honeymoon.

"Care to go upstairs and do it?" the husband asked.

"Shh!" said the bride "All the neighbors will know what we're about to do. These walls are paper thin. In the future, we'll have to ask each other in code. For example, how about asking, 'Have you left the washing machine door open' instead?"

So, the following night, the husband asks, "I don't suppose you left the washing machine door open, did you?"

"No, I definitely shut it," replied the wife who rolled over and fell asleep.

When she woke up however, she was feeling a little frisky herself and she nudged her husband and said, "I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all. Would you like to do some washing?"

"No, thanks," said the husband. "It was only a small load so I did it by hand."

# Newlywed Signals

Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights (because they can't see each other using sign language, natch).

After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife proposes a solution. "Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time."

The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea! Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time."

"And if you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis......fifty times"

# Checking the Axle

A middle-aged businessman took a young woman half his age as his wife. The fantasy of having a young woman in his bed soon became a nightmare when he found that he could not last long enough to satisfy his young bride.

His wife, as understanding as she was exciting, told him that all was well even if he was quick to get out of the saddle.

Determined to satisfy this sweet young thing, the man visited the doctor to get some advice.

"Doctor, I can't seem to hold back for very long when I make love to my young wife and I can't satisfy her. What can I do?"

The doctor smiled, patted him on the shoulder, and said in a professional manner, "Try a bit of self-stimulation before having intercourse with your wife and you'll find that you'll last longer and ultimately satisfy her."

"Okay, Doctor. If you think that will help."

Later that afternoon, his young bride called him at work to let him know that she would be attacking him at the front door when he arrived home.

"Be prepared, my darling. I'm going to ravish you," she cooed over the phone.

Undaunted, the man decided to follow the doctor's advice. But where? In the office? The Xerox room? What if someone walked in on him?

He got in his truck and began the journey home. Soon he decided he would find a spot on the road to pull over, climb underneath the truck and pretend to be inspecting the rear axle, and do the deed there.

A moment later, he pulled over, crawled beneath the truck, closed his eyes tightly, fantasized about his young wife, and began his "therapy".

A few minutes later, just as he was about to complete his therapy session, he felt someone tugging on his pants leg. Keeping his eyes tightly shut to avoid ruining the fantasy he was enjoying, he said, "Yes?"

"Sir, I'm with the Police Department. Could you tell me what you are doing, please?" said the officer.

"Yes, officer, I'm inspecting my truck's rear axle," he replied confidently.

"Well, why don't you check the brakes while you're down there. Your truck rolled down the hill a few minutes ago."

# So How Did it Go? *

Two young couples marry the same day and, being all friends, leave together for honeymoon to stay at the same Hotel in Venice, door to door.

The next morning, the two brand new husbands step out on their balconies to have a breath of fresh air.

"So? How was it going last night? C'mon, tell me! How's your wife?"

"Uhh, fine I guess, she's lying on the bed smoking."

"Jesus! My wife just got a bit sore..."

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Royal Honeymoon *

On the wedding night of the newly wedded royal couple, they wanted to make sure everything was done according to proper etiquette. So she begins and says, "Sir, I offer you my honor."

He replies, "I honor your offer."

And that's how it goes all night. Honor, offer. Honor, offer. Honor, offer.

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Wedding Night Recording *

The friends of the bride decided to give the newlyweds a tape recording of the couple making love on their honeymoon night as a gag wedding gift. They accomplished this by hiding a tape recording under the newlywed's bed that evening.

Before they gave the recorded tape to her, they played the tape and heard her moaning to her new husband, "That's happiness! That's happiness!" But her voice sounded funny and they discovered that they were playing the tape at the wrong speed.

When they slowed the tape down to the correct pitch, they were surprised to hear her shouting at him, "That's a penis?! That's a penis?!"

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Don't Rush to Judgement

A young groom and his new bride the morning after their honeymoon night were discussing the previous evenings' events. The bride says, "You are a terrible lover!"

The young groom replies, "How can you tell after only thirty seconds?!"

# She Can't Talk Right Now **

A woman is on her honeymoon with her new French husband. She is giving him oral sex when the phone rings.

The husband answers it, to find out is his mother-in-law, asking for her daughter.

He says, "She cannot talk rrright now, she 'as a frog in ze thrrrought."

_** Risque_

# Sweet and Innocent *

Tom's dream was to marry a sweet, innocent virgin. He'd been going with Jane for a few months, when he decided to test her.

As they drove along in the car, he unzipped his fly, turned to her and said, "Do you want to see my wee-wee?"

She yelled, "No!No! Please zip up your fly!"

Instead of being annoyed, Tom was happy. On the eve of their engagement to be married, he tried the same thing, with the same result.

Finally, on their wedding night, they were alone in the hotel room when he unzipped his fly again and said to her, "Honey, now that we're married you can now look at what I've got here," and proceeded to take out his dick.

She looked at it and said, "Oh, what a sweet looking wee-wee!"

Tom said, "No darling--you don't have to call it a wee-wee anymore; you can call it a cock."

She looked at it a while and then said, "No, Tom, what you have 'is' a wee-wee. A 'cock' is long, thick, and black!!!"

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Virginity Snapping *

Concerned about her relationship, a woman approaches her doctor and says "Doc, I'm getting married this weekend and my fiancee thinks I'm a virgin, is there anything you can do to help me"?

After the doctor stopped laughing, he says, "Medically, no, but here's something you can try...on the wedding night, when you're getting ready for bed, take an elastic band and slide it to your upper thigh, when your husband puts it in, snap the elastic band and tell him it's your virginity snapping."

The woman loves this idea, and knows her hubby-to-be will fall for this. They have a beautiful wedding and retire to the honeymoon suite. The wife gets ready for bed in the bathroom, slips the elastic band up her leg, finishes preparing and climbs into bed with her man.

Things begin to progress, her hubby "slips it in", she snaps the elastic band, and the hubby asks, "what the *@#% was that? The wife explains, "oh nothing honey, that was just my virginity snapping".

The husband cries out, "Well snap it again, it's got my balls!!!!"

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Blonde Groom

The bride lay in bed on the first night of their honeymoon while her husband stood at the bedroom window, gazing at the stars.

"Come to bed, darling," she whispered after some time had passed.

"Not likely," replied the blonde groom, "my mother told me that this would be the best night of my life and I'm not going to miss a minute of it."

# What Would Tiger Do?

A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."

The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods."

"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"

"Yeah."

"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."

The husband and wife then make passionate love.When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.

The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone.

"Now what are you doing?" She asks.

The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it again."

The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.

When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what's par for this damn hole."

# Golfing Groom

The bride came down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs by his side.

She said, "What are your golf clubs doing here?"

He looked her right in the eye--and said, "This isn't going to take all day, is it?"

# The Groom's Surprise

Harry was delighted when he found a young woman who accepted his proposal of marriage as he was sensitive about his wooden leg and a bit afraid no one would have him. In fact, he couldn't bring himself to tell his fiancee' about his leg when he slipped the ring on her finger, nor when she bought the dress, nor when they picked the time and place. All he kept saying was, "Darling, I've got a big surprise for you," at which she blushed and smiled bewitchingly.

The wedding night came and went, and the young couple were at last alone in their hotel room. "Now don't forget, Harry, you promised me a big surprise," said the bride.

Unable to say a word, Harry turned out the lights, unstrapped his wooden leg, slipped into bed, and placed his wife's hand on the stump.

"Hmmmmm," she said softly, "that IS a surprise. But pass me the Vaseline and I'll see what I can do!"

# Honeymoon in Paris

A newly wed couple arranged to spend their honeymoon in a basement apartment they had rented in Paris. It was a gorgeous Spring day when they arrived and they took the opportunity to exercise their new marital privileges.

The three French boys walked by the open window and looked in -

Three year old: Oh looook, they are fighting...

Four year old: They are not fighting, they are mekking laaave...

Five year old: Oui! VERY poorly too!

# Cheaper Than Surgery **

A woman was going to marry one of those guys that want a virgin. Since she was not, she went to a doctor to reconstruct her hymen.

The doctor told her that will cost around $500, but there is an another way that will cost only $50.

The woman agreed to try the cheap way, paid the money, and the doctor "worked" on her for several minutes.

After the "first night" the woman came back to the doctor and told him that it was perfect. The pain, the blood, everything was there. And she asked him how he did it.

"I tied your pubic hair," he answered.

_** Risque_

# Hit the Penny

There was a girl who just started working in a bank. Every day, she noticed that a very attractive man walked by her office. She discovered that he was the bank president and that he made quite a lot of money. She decided that she would like to get to know this man, but she was not quite sure what to do to get him to ask her out on a date.

She went to her analyst and he gave her some advice. While she was around this man he suggested that she pretend a string was attached to the top of her head and that it hung down her left side to her waist. She was to also to pretend that a penny was attached to the end of the string. When she walked near this guy she was to pretend to hit the penny with her left hip. This, stated the analyst, would cause him to notice her.

The next day, she passed the man in the hall and began moving her left hip. In her head she was thinking, "Hit the penny... hit the penny... hit the penny..." Just as the analyst predicted, the man noticed her and stopped to chat for a while.

This worked well for a few days, but the man never did ask her out. She talked to her analyst again, and this time he told her to pretend that she also had another string attached to the top of her head that hung down to her right hip. Attached to this string was a nickel. As she walked near the man she was now to use her hips to first hit the penny and then hit the nickel.

The next day at work, she saw the man and began moving her hips. In her head she was thinking, "Hit the penny... hit the nickel... hit the penny... hit the nickel..." Just as predicted, the man stopped her and asked her out on a date.

After a few weeks and numerous dates later, the girl decided that she wanted this man to ask her to marry him. After talking to her analyst, he suggested she pretend she had another string attached to the top of her head that hung down her back to her bottom, and attached to this string was a dime. She was now to use her hips to hit all of these coins.

The next day they had a date, and when she saw the man she began moving her hips again. In her head she was thinking, "Hit the penny... hit the nickel... hit the dime... hit the penny... hit the nickel... hit the dime..." That night, just as the analyst predicted, the man asked her to marry him.

She was very happy, and began to make wedding plans. She also began to worry about her honeymoon because she was a virgin and was not well versed in the art of making love. She talked to her analyst again and this time he told her to pretend that one more string was attached to the top of her head and than it hung down in front with a quarter to her private parts. He told her to hit all the coins when she was making love to her new husband.

A few weeks later her wedding day arrived. After the ceremony the newly married couple rushed off to their honeymoon. That night she went into the bathroom at the hotel and practiced moving her hips. "Hit the penny... hit the nickel... hit the dime... hit the quarter... hit the penny... hit the nickel... hit the dime... hit the quarter..."

Soon they were in bed together and as they began making love she started moving her hips. In her head she was thinking, "Hit the penny... hit the nickel... hit the dime... hit the quarter... hit the penny... hit the nickel... hit the dime... hit the quarter... Oh, forget the small change... hit the quarter... hit the quarter... hit the quarter..."

# Bride Wearing White

A little girl and her mother are sitting in church during a wedding. The little girl asks her mother; "Why is the bride wearing white?"

Not wanting to explain the purity thing, the mother responds: "The bride is wearing white because it is such a cheerful color and this is the happiest day of her life. See how she is smiling from ear to ear."

"Well," says the little girl, "I guess that explains why the groom is wearing black, he looks like it is the end of the world."

# Childhood Diseases *

A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon. They opened the champagne and began undressing.

When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked, "Ewww - what's wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird. Why are your feet so gross?"

"I had tolio as a child," he answered.

"You mean polio?" she asked.

"No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes."

The bride was satisfied with this explanation, and they continued undressing. When the groom took off his pants, his bride once again wrinkled up her nose.

"What's wrong with your knees?" She asked. "They're all lumpy and deformed!"

"As a child, I also had kneasles," he explained.

"You mean measles?" she asked.

"No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees."

The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer. As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear.

"Don't tell me," she said. "Let me guess.. Smallcox?"

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Royal Wedding Night **

As Camilla was making last-minute preparations to walk down the aisle, she found that her shoes were missing. She was forced to borrow her sister's, which were a bit on the small side.

When the day's festivities were finally over, Charles and Camilla retired to their room, right next door to the Queen's and Prince Philip's. As soon as Charles and Camilla were inside their room, Camilla flopped on the bed and said, "Darling, please get these shoes off. My feet are killing me."

The ever-obedient Prince of Wales attacked the right shoe with vigor, but it was stuck. "Harder!" Camilla yelled. "Harder!"

"I'm trying, darling!" The Prince yelled back. "It's just so bloody tight!"

"Come on! Give it all you've got!"

There was a big groan from the Prince, and then Camilla exclaimed, "There! That's it! Oh that feels good! Oh that feels SO good!"

In the bedroom next door, the Queen turned to Prince Philip and said, "See? I told you, with a face like that she was still a virgin."

Back in the bridal suite, Charles was trying to pry off the left shoe. "Oh, my God, darling! This one's even tighter!" exclaimed the heir to the throne.

At which Prince Philip turned to the Queen and said, "That's my boy - Once a Navy man, always a Navy man!"

_** Risque_

# The Weary Prisoner

The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the prisoner in the prison.

And then they made love for the first time.

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."

Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently born foal.

Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."

Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence, OKAY!
Terry's Joke Collection

**Volume I - Animal to Bar Jokes**

Chapter 1 - Animal Jokes

Chapter 2 - Aviation Jokes

Chapter 3 - Bar & Pub Jokes

**Volume II - Barber to Domestic Staff Jokes**

Chapter 1 - Barber & Beautician Jokes

Chapter 2 - Bedside Jokes

Chapter 3 - Blind & Deaf Jokes

Chapter 4 - Blonde Jokes

Chapter 5 - Cafe & Restaurant Jokes

Chapter 6 - Cannibal & Jungle Jokes

Chapter 7 - College & University Jokes

Chapter 8 - Cowboy & Indian Jokes

Chapter 9 - Dentist & Optometrist Jokes

Chapter 10 - Domestic Staff Jokes.

**Volume III - Drugstore to Genie Jokes**

Chapter 1 - Drugstore & Pharmacy Jokes

Chapter 2 - Engineer & Programmer Jokes

Chapter 3 - Farm & Rural Jokes

Chapter 4 - Fireman & Paramedic Jokes

Chapter 5 - Fishing & Camping Jokes

Chapter 6 - Funeral & Cemetery Jokes

Chapter 7 - Garden of Eden Jokes

Chapter 8 - Gay & Lesbian Jokes

Chapter 9 - Genie & Magic Jokes

**Volume IV - Golfing to Kid Jokes**

Chapter 1 - Golfing Jokes

Chapter 2 - Heaven & Hell Jokes

Chapter 3 - Hobo & Drunk Jokes

Chapter 4 - Hooker & Stripper Jokes

Chapter 5 - Hotel & Motel Jokes

Chapter 6 - Hunting & Trapping Jokes

Chapter 7 - Kid & School Jokes

**Volume V - Lawyer to Medical Jokes**

Chapter 1 - Lawyer & Courtroom Jokes

Chapter 2 - Marriage & Relationship Jokes

Chapter 3 - Medical & Hospital Jokes

**Volume VI - Military to Newlywed Jokes**

Chapter 1 - Military & Nautical Jokes

Chapter 2 - Miscellaneous Jokes

Chapter 3 - Motorcycle & Biker Jokes

Chapter 4 - Nationality & Ethnic Jokes

Chapter 5 - Newlywed Jokes

**Volume VII - Nurse to Redneck Jokes**

Chapter 1 - Nurse & Receptionist Jokes

Chapter 2 - Parent & In-Law Jokes

Chapter 3 - Poker & Gambling Jokes

Chapter 4 - Police & Prison Jokes

Chapter 5 - Political Jokes

Chapter 6 - Psychiatrist & Asylum Jokes

Chapter 7 - Redneck & Hillbilly Jokes

**Volume VIII - Religion to Senior Citizen Jokes**

Chapter 1 - Religion & Clergy Jokes

Chapter 2 - Robot, Alien & Space Jokes

Chapter 3 - Sales & Office Jokes

Chapter 4 - Senior Citizen Jokes

**Volume IX - Sports to Train Jokes**

Chapter 1 - Sports & Recreation Jokes

Chapter 2 - Substitute Jokes

Chapter 3 - Supermarket Jokes

Chapter 4 - Teen & High School Jokes

Chapter 5 - Train, Bus & Taxi Jokes 
