
The Daunting Series

The Book of Inception

__________

Debbie Browdy

Where will you be?
The Daunting Series  
The Book of Inception

Copyright © 2018 Debbie Browdy

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means without written permission from the author.
I would like to thank my wonderful children,

Dannie and Dustin.

Throughout life the two of you have taught me more about love, understanding and patience than anyone else could. The two of you

taught me how to accept myself-faults and all. Both of you inspire me to the depths of my soul. I am truly blessed.

Ehrich Van Lowe aka "E"

I love you. Well, that sums it up. What more can I say?

You have been through a lot of this ride with me. You never  
cease to amaze me. You are always patient, kind, encouraging   
and offering direction when I am lost. Thank you,  
for our friendship. I treasure it.

A special thanks to my wonderful editor.

Teresa McCammon-Asche of PenGirl Editing

I don't know how you do what you do, but it is incredible!

It's like you can read my mind.

Thank you.

My beautiful cover model Taylor.  
You are just as beautiful inside as out.  
Thank you
Table of Contents

Preface

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

Chapter 11

Chapter 12

Chapter 13

Chapter 14

Chapter 15

Chapter 16

Chapter 17

Chapter 18

Chapter 19

Chapter 20

Chapter 21

Chapter 22

Chapter 23

Chapter 24

Chapter 25

Chapter 26

Chapter 27

Chapter 28

Chapter 29

Chapter 30

Chapter 31

Chapter 32

Chapter 33

Chapter 34

Chapter 35

Chapter 36
This is where it all started:

I loved jogging in the woods and fields where I could run into wildlife. But my thoughts wouldn't stay with the animals for very long. They would race with all the things that could happen to a person in these bunkers that were on my usual route. No one would know. You would not hear anything. They are built in the ground with thick concrete walls as you would expect, and heavy steel doors. With these thoughts swirling inside I couldn't help but push myself a lot harder to run much faster.
Chapter 1

"Annihilation"
When I stop doing things and allow my mind wander, past Kyle, past Cami, past Toni, past my mom, I remember things. I once lived near the river that cut our country in half. At that time the closest city (or what was left of the Gateway City after the transformation) was what the Ancestors called St. Louis. It was dark, gray, and overrun with buildings that brandished decay, falling to their deaths as the years went by. They should have been torn down, but yet we kept them as if they had a contribution to someone, somewhere. There was nothing pretty here. Streets – that were the backbone of the motion were broken fragments of asphalt taken over by scroungers who were selling their cure to make you forget who you were and the dismal plight you were in. Parks –taken over by decay were nothing more than dirt, grass that had never been mowed, and concrete fragments that used to be statues. What was once there was gone, left for dead and forgotten.

For some reason, even now people are attracted to that lifestyle. This city houses hundreds of thousands of people. I used to live there, but yet I didn't. It was more like we were in the outskirts of classic suburbia.

However, in an instant, it was gone. Hundreds of thousands of people who called this place home were extinguished; all of them entombed.

* * * *

I remember playing in the back of my house with Kyle. We were in the tall, waist-high grass near the creek in front of the woods, the creek where we had constructed the perfect swimming hole. We were in the middle of a perfect castle constructed out of limbs, cardboard, and a few rocks. We all remember the kind: you use crayons on the cardboard and embellish it with the most intricate, beautiful squiggles. Playing here for hours at a time, day after day, we would color and build. We were proud of our works, our designs, the windows we cut out, leaving a flap of cardboard to close them. We were proud of our grand majestic court. It was our make-believe kingdom which I ruled, of course, and Kyle was my fearless knight fighting the world with his cardboard sword and trash can lid for a shield.

Our play at our kingdom would not last long; an alarm with a low moan working its way to a loud whelp was replaying relentlessly, over and over resonating in my head. Sirens sounded from the top of the poles by the street lights. Speakers screamed more loudly and then they were softer, then louder. I was running faster than I had ever run before through the tall grass...into the yard...onto the sidewalk that led to my house. My sides stabbed me as I pushed myself harder. Mothers snatched their playing children out of the yards...into their arms...slamming the doors as they darted inside. I had to see my mom. She would know. She always knew. My body ached as I slammed into the door so hard it broke open and cracked against the wall.

Terror! My vision blurred with tears that pooled in my eyes and leaked down my cheeks. Where was Kyle? "Kyle, Kyle?" came screeching out of my mouth as I swung my head wildly. "Where are you, Kyle?" My eyes drifted, and I caught a glimpse of him.

"Here," he said, behind me like always. It was what we had been raised to do. It was what we had to do, he and I, I and him. We were slated the two of us. Back then I didn't know the depth of its meaning, but I do now. Now, my slight smile only showed briefly. As our eyes met, I watched him pivot away from me and start running. He'll run one street over, and three houses down; thankfully, we are almost next door to each other.

As he ran, the moment of relief left me and in return I felt as if my body had taken on its own entity trembling harder than before, in an almost convulsing reaction. I tried to stop my body's shaking but the harder it became. My ears heard a feral guttural sound, nothing like I had ever heard before. It was hollow and deep as it echoed through my home. To my surprise, it was coming from me. I sobbed as the sirens continued making their gawd awful sound. I shook so hard I could not stop. But I wanted to. I tried to. It didn't work. I tried to make my knees hold me upright. They couldn't. It seemed I was falling endlessly. Sounds still pulsated in my ears painfully loud, then soft, repeating the same pattern incessantly. Giving up on standing upright, I fell to the floor and lay there. Placing my hands over my ears, I tried to silence the noise.

During what seems to be a reprieve, I look around and I see the shelves on the wall have fallen. My mom's beautiful figurines, her tokens of my father lay broken on the floor. When my eyes drift up I see the large crack in the wall and the window that is shattered. A piece of drywall from above lays to my right; to my other side is a book-case almost making it to the ground, if the books hadn't been put to their deaths underneath it. Is this what a tornado is? Why is this happening? Everything here, everything is destroyed.

As I lie here for what seems like hours, knowing it has only been minutes, getting my courage up to make my move and stand again, a horrific realization came into focus: it wasn't my body...the ground was shivering. She, the ground that is, gave one last exhausted heave tossing me in the air. I went soaring right into that bookcase. Sharp pain punched me in my ribs, wrapping around my body as the air was taken from my lungs. Luckily the ottoman broke my plummet, and as I rolled off of the ottoman, one last descent to the floor, my free fall ended. Mom was on her hands and knees trying to make her way over to me. Things were shattering in my home; books and lamps exploded onto the floor. The sound of glass breaking screeched in my ears as the ground continued to shiver, no more heaves just light tremors. Then it stopped. Just as sudden as it started. We made our way to the window to witness the thick gray smoke spread like a blanket over us in the sky. Darkness descended on us at noon.

Now the only words I can say is, "My world is ending." As I watched a haze slowly creep up from the ground, the blanket of smoke dropped from the sky and consumed us like it had been starved, burning my throat, as we gasped hopelessly for air. Scorching pain filled my eyes as the cloud drifted upward. As I held my breath, my head started to spin, and my eyes grew dark from lack of oxygen, but I couldn't try to breathe - the air seemed to have left.

My mother grabbed a t-shirt, covering my mouth and nose with it. Breathing became a little easier, but I still struggled, coughing at times to the point that vomit spewed. Finally, relief came, as the haze settled back into the broken landscape, receding slowly at a quarter of the speed it had come.

"It has begun!" Her face was pale with track marks running down her cheeks from tears. She startled me, and my heart began beating hard enough I thought it would explode out of my chest. It pounded in my ears, deafening me.

Our chests heaved in and out in unison as we thoroughly examined the changed surroundings inside our home.

It was a mess in here. I was unable to catch my breath still feeling startled from what occurred, as well as my mom's outburst. It was all adding to the anxiety that was gripping at my chest. She didn't say what had begun and I...I was not about to ask.

A haunting silence filled the room as we took in what had just happened. Still using the t-shirt, I attempted to slow down my breaths, as they were short and hard. Was this real? Or was I asleep and this was one of my nightmares? My mom finally motioned for me to take down my t-shirt. With great reluctance, I placed it in her outstretched hand.

We finally wiped the tears from our faces. Facing each other, we sat trembling, unable to move. I could see more tears just waiting to run down my mother's face that she quickly wiped away. I placed my shaking hands on each side of her face as she had done to me so many times before. As we stared at each other, there it was: panic. Sheer, undeniable panic. Slowly she raised her hands, holding mine that were still placed on her cheeks.

After one of those minutes that seem like eternity would end faster my mother gradually moved to the television, pushing things out of her way and reassuring me that whatever happened, we would be all right. Things were not alright. It didn't take an astute or shrewd person to see things were not all right.

"It's not broken. How can this be? The shelves were right next to it and fell off the wall. How come it didn't shatter?" I wasn't sure if my mom was asking me, or the television, so I kept quiet not to interrupt her. My mom was holding my hand as she turned the television on which, amazingly enough, was still bolted to the wall and...it...it worked! How is that possible?

"Look at that...it works; now we will see what has happened." My mom sounds broken as she speaks, but I never doubted that the television would work long as it wasn't physically broken. The wall would fall before the television did, and everything nowadays is satellite, at least any type of communication. That's what my mom told me before. But my mom also said we were not close to whatever happened, and I had to believe her about that. Anyway, that's just it...what did happen? None of this seemed to make any sense.

We watched the television for a few minutes, and so far, it had been fuzzy but functional; I guess that is all that mattered. While we continued to watch Mom picked me up, held me tightly, turned slowly, and shoved debris out of the way. We moved toward the couch and sank deeply into it. We let each other go as we waited, almost relaxing after everything that had happened. We almost tuned out the magnitude of our situation and thought nothing of the desperation that would follow.

We rocked back and forth a little, waiting. Mom was on edge, mumbling to herself about Dad and that she needed him, leaving me aching for him.

The thing my mom used to relate to as the "boob tube" or the "idiot box" or "what was going to rot my brain" was now what the two of us stared at. It was just an endless sea of static, crackling and popping. I stared at it so long, so hard; I could make out faces, trees, and buildings from the white and black flickers. Finally, I could sit no longer. After all, I was only seven, just a kid. As I got up, I heard piercing beeps as if someone knew I had tried to leave my seat. One right after another. Three...no wait...six...coming from the television.

I didn't have a choice, I had to look at the television; the sound had drawn my eyes to it like a magnet to steel. That is when I noticed him, there was a man on the screen. He was dressed very proper with a dark gray fitted jacket, gray vest, white collared shirt and a dark blood-red tie. The man had darker skin with closely shaved salt and pepper hair. He had sharp lines for his cheek bones and a square jaw that led to a narrow chin. His eyes were dark and darted around, stopping only to pierce through me. He had lines around his eyes and mouth showing the signs of his age. His ears seemed overly large and the tops stuck out some, almost as if his hair should be a little longer. Some people would call him handsome, I guess. Not me. I call him horrifying. He sent goose bumps down my back and made my hair stand up on my arms. Even the hair stood up on the back of my neck. I was scared. No, I take that back. I was terrified.

I sought shelter from my mother as I climbed back into her lap. Tucking my head into her shoulder, I felt safe as she slid herself deeper into the couch. Her long, dark-blonde hair curled softly framing my face. My mom was flawless, strong and slender. She had beautiful, greenish-blue eyes. We sat there as she put her finger to my mouth and I was silent.

We stared back at the television and saw that behind the man on the television was a flag. Not the flag I knew from The First Transformation; this one was foreign to me. This flag was white, with a triangle made from arrows. One side a red arrow, one side a blue arrow, and the bottom was made from two arrows - red and blue twisted together making a loop in the middle which then continued to the other side of the triangle. That flag - it didn't hang down from a pole. It spread out wide, so all I could see was that man and that flag.

That thing we stared at...that TV... that television...it became our only means of knowing what had happened to the world around us. Or, at least, we thought it was. No internet, no cell phones - all those things went down, silenced in my world. We were cut off from life, or so it seemed. Seeing that man on our television we thought was the only means of knowledge.

"Shhh, shh," my mom sounded, as if I were talking, but I wasn't. I wanted to protest until I looked at my mom's eyes. After what I saw there, I didn't. My mom had her red, swollen eyes locked on the television, almost trance-like.

We listened to him, holding our breath at times, to make sure we heard every word that he had to say. He really did not convey a lot of information about what was happening. Looking at my mom, I saw the creases from worry, the swollen eyes bloodshot from crying. Her body gently shook, either from fear or nerves, but her arms were strong, holding me tightly to her.

The man began to speak - confident, assertive and domineering all at the same time. His voice boomed out of the television. A voice that could not be forgotten or ignored came bellowing out of the speakers. He commanded everyone's attention. Then and there, the decision was made - I hated him. Something wasn't right about him, with his perfect teeth, ash eyes and smile............ after all this, he smiled. Sickening.

"As many of you are wondering what has happened to our large cities like St. Louis over the past twelve hours, I would like to reassure you that the situation is under control." He smiled and took a breath.

"We are still investigating all the damage at this time. My name is President Pratt and you now live in New Kismet." He paused and grinned again showing his perfect, long, white teeth. I almost thought they were filed into daggers until I looked again.

"Oh, yes, we are now under," he said before a pause, "what some would say before The First Transformation, Martial Law - or as it is now - the law...my law." He took in a deep breath and added.

"Congratulations, those that can see me have made it through The Second Transformation." His eyes pierced directly into the television camera like he was trying to intimidate the people watching. I could almost feel them cutting into me. So, it was working - I was intimidated.

My mother started sobbing. "This is how it is supposed to happen. No one believed Jonathon, but he was right." It was a whisper, but I heard it. This small statement would leave such a big impact on what was to come. "The Second Transformation," she whispered again.

"We will now have mandated curfews. Anyone caught not obeying these will be severely punished - possibly by death. I know everyone will cooperate and help to get our great new nation, New Kismet, through these hard times. A cleanup program has been initiated where it is needed to help prevent the spread of disease." Three beeps sounded as the picture went back to black and white fuzz. He said it. He had said death like it was easy, nothing, meaningless.

* * * *

We sat for a little longer while we tried to absorb what had happened. Then we got up and washed ourselves a little in our tiny bathroom sink, not caring if we were really clean. My mom's clothes were thick with dust just as mine were. She held my hand tightly as we walked to the front door. With a heavy sigh, she slowly opened it. What she didn't know was I didn't want to go out there. What I didn't know was I wouldn't have a choice. Once the door was opened I heard all the pain-filled, agonizing cries. Inside my home was safe – outside was not. It was craziness to want to go outside!

As my mom pulled, I reluctantly stepped over the threshold like it was some crevasse that went to the inside of the fiery earth. If I stepped wrong, I would be lost forever in the chasm. She tugged on my hand, coaxing me to the sidewalk.

We heard the shrieks, the sobs, the agony, all coming from the neighbors. My mom stopped, and with one swift move, she spun around with her one finger out, ordering me to stay at the edge of the sidewalk. My only thought was, I don't want to be here, I don't want to be here, I don't want to be here! I had to try to see if it was like Dorothy and her glass slippers. Feeling the tingling sensation of panic because it didn't work, I'm still here.

I looked around and saw windows broken, some of which were our own, and bricks falling off the houses. We didn't live that close to other houses, and the back of our house went to the creek and then the woods, but the front of our house was close enough I could see other homes clearly. My knees wobbled as they tried to keep me upright. My mom ran back into the house and came back out with towels and a first aid kit. _Really? That is not going to help._ I thought. But I am finding more and more, I thought wrong.

My mom was a nurse by trade. She used to work with Kyle's mom. I think no matter how scared I was, I saw something that maybe I hadn't noticed before...my mom was amazing.

We saw people sitting on steps, in yards. Neighbors were coughing until blood splattered from their mouths and nostrils. Some were bawling uncontrollably, and some were lying down, not moving at all. I helped carry towels while my mom checked on people who were hurt. Some people had scrapes; others had deep wounds. We applied bandages and splinted broken bones. I saw her use the needle and thread on someone's skin like she was sewing a hole in my sock. Undeterred by the screeches of torture from her patients, her hands worked fast in a rhythmic motion, like music playing to a silent beat as she stitched.

"Momma, we gotta see Kyle. Momma, please," I belted out from nowhere. There were some things I could tolerate, but not finding Kyle wasn't one of them. My tugging and stomping were to no avail. Behaving this way would have usually landed me a severe scolding, so I typically never tried it. But now, a brat, that is what I was being. I didn't know why I was doing that right now, at this instant, but now seemed to be a good time to start. I didn't care what anyone thought. Everything was broken and ruined everywhere I looked. My neighborhood was shattered. I might be shattered.

Maybe being this crazy with worry and fear was causing it. My best friend Kyle was all I wanted to think about. My mother just didn't understand me. Obviously, I needed to rectify this. Instead of allowing me to go to Kyle's house, she was having me hold towels and pour antiseptic on cuts for people. The people, these people, I didn't even know them! When I finally thought I was going to burst, I stomped my foot a little too hard on the ground and began to set everything in my arms down.

"What are you doing, Riley Marie Staggs?!"

My back stiffened, and my head snapped back. This was it - if I didn't die from what just happened, my mom was going to kill me! As my head turned, we both saw Kyle's mom, Sarah, and Kyle cresting the hill, running down to us. Thank God. They had a box of supplies, too. Must be that nurse thing they have going. Kyle ran straight for me. He brushed hair out of my face and smiled. Even then, his smile tugged somewhere inside of me. We were going to be okay. He stood there in front of me with his smile and his two front teeth missing. Even as my world fell apart I still noticed his blonde hair, brighter than mine...and his beautiful hazel eyes that had gold specs through them. My eyes? Well, mine are just green, almost looking gray.

So, at the age of seven, I became a nurse's aide, for what seemed like Armageddon. I was covered with dirt and blood and was in charge of the bandages and antiseptic. I was too young for this. We were all too young for this. No one could have prepared or trained us for what happened that day.

We ran on adrenaline and fear. We had to come to terms with the fact that some of our neighbors did not make it and in the near future would not make it. Some died then and some died afterward. We tended to our neighbors the best we could and that is what we had to remember. Otherwise, the guilt would eat us alive.

* * * *

After we tended the neighbors the best we could my mother unexpectedly grabbed me. Her grip on me was so tight I saw stars. She ignored all the screaming behind us and the cries for help while we were there, frozen in time, until she collected herself enough to speak.

"Pick your own path and don't get caught." She was quiet at first, then loud. "You, Riley, know what I mean. This is just the start of The Second Transformation." She kissed me on my cheek – my dust-covered filthy cheek with streaks leftover from those previous tears.

Back then I wasn't sure how much it clicked, but as I grew older, it was all I knew, and it was all that I had been taught and all I would be taught. Some people are predestined to live a journey set out for them by others. I will tell you now, I am one of them.

* * * *

I was just seven then; my name is Riley Marie Staggs. You and everyone can call me Riley. Kyle calls me Riles or Riled Up or anything he wants to. My mother's name is Abigail, but everyone calls her Abbey. My father was killed not too long after I was born. His name was Jonathon or John. I already told you about my best friend. His name is Kyle, just in case you forgot. I never asked my mother why my father died: I didn't want to know. Some things hurt when you think of them and some things can crush you when you think of them too hard. That was one of them. So, I stayed away from it.

My mom calls me Riley unless she is mad at me. Then she calls me by my full name: Riley Marie Staggs. Riley is an Irish name coming from O'Riley, and she told me it meant courageous. She has always told me it was fitting.

After everything that had happened that day, I knew my world was gone, extinguished into dust. Nothing would be right here, not ever. This is my story. I hope you come along.
Chapter 2

Now that I am older looking back, I see that every action has a reaction and sooner or later that reaction will happen. When you are only a child you can't always see the consequences of the events that bring you to where you are now.
As time starts creeping by, I feel the moisture on my skin from the rain and the dryness from the hot sun; I also feel the bite from the coldness. Life is still going on, ready or not. I often find myself wondering where things went wrong. Was it earlier or later? Were we in too deep? Did they really put up a fight when The First Transformation came in 2046? These are the things that haunt me. Things I have been forced to learn from my mom. How come the monarchy of The First Transformation tired of us in 2064 and allowed The Second Transformation to start? By 2069 the war ended, and The Second Transformation was done, and then it happened. The ground shook, and my world shattered. We became New Kismet, a monarchy run by a tyrant calling himself President Pratt.

They want us to be grateful, but my mom has taught me better. They want us to be passive, but my mom isn't allowing it. My mom tells me I have to make a difference, that I am the one and Kyle will be at my side. She smiles and softly quotes Hamilton, "Those who stand for nothing fall for anything." Do they? What if I don't stand or fall? These are just more of my endless questions I ask myself as I dig holes in the clay-caked dirt for the seeds to be placed, pondering if I resent the life my dad and mom laid out for me. Not Kyle mind you, I could not resent that ever.

One of my biggest fears right now is that I won't make it until I am old enough to leave with Kyle. What will become of my mom if I do not fulfill my family's contract? Kyle is my best friend, the only male friend I have and the only "boy" type friend I will ever be allowed to have. He is who my life is arranged with. I believe in our arrangement with every thread of my soul. My mom and dad believed in it and signed the contract. They would not have done it if they didn't believe, would they?

The rules of the contract are simple enough. If I do not fulfill my end of the contract or debt, my parent will have to. Since my father died, it would leave my mother. I have to make it to the age to be with Kyle, sixteen, the age you can legally marry. Then my mom is free of this burden. From what my mom told me this contract was set before Kyle and I were old enough to walk. My family has already been paid. We now have a debt to his family that must be paid, and I am the payment or what they paid for if that makes sense. It's not in a bad way mind you, not at all.

As it is now, I and everyone here are just products to be traded in a land no one wants but I love. When I am sixteen though, I will be something better I'm told. I will be with Kyle and we will be in this together. Even though things changed in our life when my dad died, my mom reminds me an arranged marriage is something that cannot be changed. It is a never-ending contract; I will not be disappointing her. Other girls have run away in my situation, but I won't; I will fulfill my family's debt to the Kendell's.

* * * *

It is now early spring. The ground is soft from snow melting and the cold rains that have passed. The birds are singing their repetitive pattern of songs. It is a sweet melody in my ears. I hear the sound of water dancing down as it plays on the rocks in the stream behind our house and it adds to the symphony. I hear the crickets joining the chorus and an occasional bullfrog croaking or squirrel chattering.

Here is one of my utopias. This is where things make sense, a place where I allow my defenses to come down. I want to be out there with them... all of them, my friends the creatures in my woods. Friends that serve as my warning not by the sounds they make, not that at all. It is the sounds they don't make; silence can be deadly.

* * * *

"Momma, can Levy help me? Please?" Standing in the kitchen with my mom I plead to her.

"Riley, you know the rules. He can't." Her words are sharp but I'm not giving up.

"But he says he wants to garden too."

"Riley, you know what happens if you don't go with Kyle, right?" I nod, but I know she isn't going to stop there. She is going to make sure I feel the full weight of a careless choice even if only for gardening. _It's not like I'm going to marry him, Mom._

"They will take me away and I will be indentured to Kyle's parents or worse since your dad is not with us. What will happen to our home? Or you? What will happen to me, Riley? You don't want that, do you?" I shake my head back and forth, staring at the mud on my pants as my eyes well up with tears.

"I just wanted..."

"No, that's enough of that. You know the rules and I can come out later and help you. Riley, you have a purpose. Boys like Levy don't."

"...help," I continued. "It's not like I like him." I tighten my lips to make sure I don't say any more, pivoting and walking out the door, shaking my head to Levy as I feel a lonely tear roll down my cheek.

Levy gently puts his hand on my shoulder and speaks softly. "I didn't mean for you to be in trouble. Don't cry, please. Only Kyle or girls come over and right now there is no one to help. Geez, Riley, I'm really sorry." I search his eyes for some kind of understanding, but he nods and leaves me here, alone without any help. It is hopeless. The thought of running from this all crosses my mind; other girls have. Maybe, I could go to some distant magical relative where I could be normal. That is if there is a normal.

Weighing everything out, I know leaving is wrong and I love the thought of my match already being made for me, at least most of the time. I do want to be with Kyle. I just wish I didn't have to always tell myself I want to be with Kyle, but that will come. I love my mom, and I will love Kyle too in a special way, more than just my best friend, someday.

That's how it works, my mom says: "You don't love someone at first sight; it grows from a long friendship." She says, "Fairytales are just stories, good stories but not accurate stories, and love at first sight is a fairytale, nothing more."

Just as I start to relax, the sounds...the horrid sounds shatter my world. My melody abruptly stops, and my head snaps in the direction of the crack of a rasp. The snapping, and the shrieking that follow ring out, bouncing between the houses. The blood curdling screams will hang heavy in the air and work their way into my dreams, changing them into nightmares. They are cries from my neighbors and friends at the guards' hands. All of these are the horrible reminders of the reality of my world.

* * * *

Everyone loves my mother. Her beauty radiates from her. Abigail's long dark-blonde hair with gentle curls, her high cheek bones, her greenish-blue eyes almost turquoise, and her kind heart to strangers. No one will ever want for something to eat around my mother. At least...I think everyone loves my mother.

My mother is a good person. We have our fights, sometimes more than we should ( _like a lot more than we should_ ) but she is kind, gentle, and her love for gardening is only passed by her love of telling stories. Make no mistake, these stories are lessons I was to learn.

We all want to hear her stories, when she leaves us on the edge by embellishing them to prove whatever point she is making or maybe isn't making: always choose the right path, reflect, compare, consider, and always above anything else know how the impact of decisions will affect others.

I wonder if there is a place far from here, far from the agony and the sobs, a quiet place that is surreal with infinitely better people who come out and gather together, singing and dancing. What would it be like to gather together like that? These were the things my mom would talk about. My mom was free with her words, along with her trust, as long as you were not an adult. This was the beginning of her end. She taught me different; she taught me not to trust. Anyone.

"You...," she says as she points at each of us, "... you kids could make this happen, if you want it, and I know you do." My mom has the natural ability to tell you something and make you feel as if it were your idea.

Talking like this could be my mom's downfall. I think there is someone amongst my friends who doesn't like her. Spies are real, and I believe there is a traitor in my presence. I didn't know the weight of this when I was seven or before, but I do now. At twelve I understand more and have been taught more than most adults here. I have to walk the line; I have to learn it all or, so I am told. "Make a difference or die trying," I'm told.

A day passes since my mom's last story telling session, and Julie is here; she is the girl I wanted to be when I was younger. She is older now with white, sun-kissed hair, beautiful tan skin that glows, a slender build and long legs. She is standing next to us watching us work. We have determined that she has a medical condition. Her hands are allergic to dirt, but Julie's parents have more money than most. I guess now I am despising her just because she is, well you know, her...self.

But, today I tolerate Julie; she is actually being fun. No work today; mom said enough. We are making up our own dances. Today brings bits and pieces back to me of when I was younger, and mom would swing us in circles, and we would squeal with excitement. This thought and what we are doing makes me happy. Mom brought out her old music recorder that my father had given to her. Just like before it happened, The Second Transformation.

She plugs it into old dirty cloth-covered speakers and turns it on, singing with us. Inside the house, we are belting songs out as if we can hold a tune. Giggling, laughing until the point of hiccups and tears. Throwing our hands up in the air until we fall over from the fun and excitement.

"Because I'm happy"

We are clapping along just like the song says, forgetting the world outside exists. Never did I realize until now how much work Mom did to give us one place to be kids for stolen moments after The Second Transformation. I think this is what normal should be. Taking a deep breath, I can't help but smile; this has to be.

The next day after one of our fun nights with friends, Mom and I are all alone working the hard dirt in the garden. It is a rare day; these days do not come along often enough. We are alone and can talk. I am mesmerized by my mom's stories.

"Never deviate from the plan; you are not alone in this. You have responsibilities; don't forget them. Make a difference or die trying," she reminds me. We are back to walking the strict line that my mom has given me.

"I won't forget, Mom, not ever." She gives me a hug with her dirty hands. "Everyone should want more freedoms, Mom?"

I see her eyes turn up in thought. "Benedict Arnold!" The sound is bitter in my ears. My worst fears are happening right now! The Guards are running toward us at speeds I have never seen before. "Conspirator, treasonous-guttersnipe!"

Real time is stopping, and everything is coming to an alarming halt. It is a cruel trick time can play on you, ensuring you see every detail. Seeing his hand, then his arm in the black and gray sleeve as he draws it back, the horror is unfolding before me. I listen, hearing the whooshing sound filling the air as the blur streaks across my eyesight. The sounds of a bull whip cracking echoes between the homes. Watching my mom, I see her head snap back and her body fall to the ground. I am wiping her blood away that splattered on my face.

"Mom... Mom... Let her go, let her go now!" I surprise myself with the finality in my voice. I am kicking and screeching, but someone is holding me back. They are fighting to keep me still as I try to wrestle away from their grip.

"I hate you! Do you hear me? I hate you!" It is probably not the smartest thing to be yelling as my voice is cracking as tears flood my face.

I am twelve years old, and this is the day I vow to myself to no longer worry about doing what is right for others. This day I vow to make them pay and take vengeance. After all my mom says I am the one that will one day lead the Rebels.
Chapter 3

Life is hard. Bad things happen to good people, making your pain seem endless. If you let it take control, it can be an eternity before you can exist without caving. I know this all too well. They say time heals all wounds. I don't agree. Time only makes the pain eat away at you until there is nothing left inside. 
Weeks go on as my mom is healing; leaving her with a small scar on her cheek and an arm that has shriveled. Weakened from the lack of use, the arm she holds close to her side as she greets Mrs. Kendell and Kyle bringing us food. As Kyle leans forward in one of his many shirts that are too short – I see them. The marks across Kyle's lower back that I know will haunt me, the shades of deep purple and black.

If I were to guess, Mr. Kendell found some poor excuse to make crisscross patterns of a belt on Kyle. My whole body aches at his pain. Bile rises to the back of my throat as if vomiting would help him, my Kyle. It isn't the first time I have seen the marks on Kyle. It's not the first time I have tasted bile from looking at the marks. I did nothing before and I still do absolutely nothing now. Everyone knows what happens to Kyle and still no one does anything to help him, but I do vow to get revenge on Mr. Kendell to this day.

* * * *

Mr. Kendell is keeping his word, from the promise he made the day my mom was hurt; unfortunately, he stops by regularly checking on my mom's progress. Every day he shows up as sure as a rabbit will ruin your garden. Her splint has long since been removed and my anger runs so deep for him, but I mustn't speak out of fear of what could be said.

Standing in our living room, I feel my breathing tighten. I sense the burning in my eyes as the tears start to form, begging my mom to tell Mr. Kendell not to come here anymore, but she is ignoring my pleas, allowing him full access to our home.

Her expression sharpens into a razor slicing through me as I hear the same thing I always hear... "After all, Riley, he is a doctor and your future father-in-law."

Mr. Kendell is standing here with his beady eyes glaring down his nose at me. Smirking he says, "You know rumor has it they will be opening the schools again." I see my mom nodding at him in some sort of silent understanding between them.

My eyes drift to the floor, unable to look at him. "I am being home schooled like Kyle," I whine. Anytime Mr. Kendell speaks to me, my voice gets quiet and squeaky. I feel my face getting hot.

"You will be going and so will Kyle!" he booms out in his deep voice, sending another wave of fear through me.

My mom chimes in with her too sweet voice that drips nauseatingly with honey, "Oh, Darren, Riley is looking forward to school." _I am? No, I'm not._ Who is this lady and what is she saying?

"Good, good, glad to hear it." He touches my shoulder and my skin crawls. "Riley, you need some manners, don't you? I mean you are fated to be with my son, but I hardly think you can do him much good with the way you act now, could you?" My eyes drift up to him, but I am in no state of mind to speak. My legs are trembling. How can he speak like that to me? _Anytime, Mom, say something, anything._

I stare at him. "Speak up girl."

"I,.. I,..I." _Just want to crawl in a hole right now._

"Don't bother answering, Riley. Your mom and I agree on this. You need more than just home schooling. You need to learn your place." I hate him; one day I will make things change. I have to find a way. _I have to, for Kyle._

"Now, Riley, you do have your obligations. I expect you to keep me well informed. You know I have a stake in this like your father did." I can feel his cold eyes staring down on me. Turning my head towards the ragged floor to avoid his stare, I nod slightly to him.

"Oh, Riley, see we will all be one big family working for the same goals," my own mother says, showing even she has turned against me.

Slowly, Mr. Kendell walks to the door mumbling something about my obligations and keeping him apprised. _Fat chance that will happen._ As soon as Mr. Kendell clears the door, I feel the trembling subsiding in my knees.

Mom isn't reprimanding me but none-the-less she continues, "You need to know you have to do what Mr. Kendell asks. He will be your father-in-law. We do have a contract, and he has spent lots of money on this. Mostly..." she continues as she motions out the window to all the other houses "...you have a responsibility to everyone, Riley. You may pay for it with your own life, so they can do better and it will always be that way." I quickly feel the weight, like Atlas holding up the heavens. Looking up at her I don't have to say anything; she knows I am sorry for the trouble I could be causing her with the Kendell's.

She whispers in my ear, "Darren is a good man. You will be happy being part of their family with Kyle. Your dad and I believed this; otherwise, we never would have agreed to a contractual marriage. He didn't mean anything by what he said about going back to school. Do your part." People would think my part is – the part that says somewhere in an unwritten law I am to be a Rebel – die an early death and that is not enough. Or the part that says, as much as I hate Kyle's dad, I have to work with him keeping him informed of the Rebels. Or not to forget the part that says, I am to marry Kyle. This isn't really what my part is. My part, the part that I let grow, and keep me going, is the part that says I will make President Pratt pay. I will make Mr. Kendell regret he ever touched Kyle. Oh, and the guards that hurt my mom, well, they will pay too. That is my part that I hold on to, but I can't tell anyone.

Fear is all that is left here, cold, ugly, dark fear. I know deep down I am to do more, but how do I know I can do this right? All of it. I want to feel strong and secure without this nagging twisting in my gut.

* * * *

A week has gone by since my last conversation with Mr. Kendell and a month has gone by since we started taking buses to the old stores. Some people might remember them as a Target or a Walmart, but they are now our allotting centers. We have the centers for food, for clothes, and a few other supplies. Bricks drop from the walls which are cracking and crumbling with age, falling to their obliteration. Large picture windows that are broken, the walls cracked, allowing the outside in. Doors are bent and missing in the back. But things here are orderly, counted, and guarded. We have a voucher and we don't dare ask for more.

There is a slight hint of must and mildew making my eyes water. Occasionally, I can see mice and field rats scurrying across the shelving. We always have our escorts, the guards that are forcing us to line up and walk through a rope maze like cows going to a slaughter.

Here there is an overabundance of patrol; they are in every corner and crevasse making sure we are holding our vouchers. But that won't stop the Rebels. They will come, and someday I will be with them. They are the ones who dare to do things. I envy each and every one of them. They will be dressed in black with a purple bandanna tied around their left arm. I know this as I have seen them before.

"Pop." It sounds like a toy of some sort, but it isn't; it is all too familiar. Sounds of gunfire echo through the center we are in. I am blindsided by a hand as I am shoved to the floor. I hear a ringing in my ears and a low crack as my head hits the concrete floor with excessive force.

Pain radiates through my body while my mouth lets out a moan. More shooting – tat, tat, tat – and my hands try covering my ears. Loud chaos ensues as boots run all around me. Looking to the side, I see dirt flying with every footstep and the bottoms of pant legs inches from my face. My mom slides over, trying to cover me at least partly with her body.

"Shssh, shssh, we'll be alright," my mom is saying to the back of my head.

Wanting to know everything, I uncover my ears and try to pick my head up to see what is happening. A hand keeps pushing my head back to the concrete floor. Mom. More shots. I see the flour bags being split open and causing a puff of dust.

People are screaming; crying is ringing out from all directions. My ears fill with the terrifying sounds of all the people in the allotting center. The sound is just like around my house at times. Sparks are flying from the metal shelving being hit. The shots reverberate off the walls that surround us.

Several loud thuds sound from in front of the building. Something big, something loud is being fired back at the guards. _Is this going to be me? Could I?_ Shots sound, one right after another as they fracture the concrete into fragments which spray from the walls. An odor of burning blankets the air.

As I am lying on the cold concrete floor, I turn my head to the side again. More guards almost trample on top of me, running with their guns drawn. They are stepping over our bodies quickly, barely clearing my mom's back. Loud clashing fills the room as several sets of metal shelves in the front of the store begin plummeting onto their sides. The guards are squatting now in cover, behind them. Small flames fly from their guns with each ear-piercing shot. The people are screeching more loudly.

Crying doesn't seem appropriate to me at this time. I lie here, still while my mom's body partially covers mine. Maybe I should be crying; everybody else is. Maybe I should be showing more fear, but I can't.

What I am doing is lying here wondering why no one has been shot. Not that I want anyone shot. Not that at all, but someone should have been shot; it would make sense with the barrage of bullets flying through the air.

Here while my head is turned to the side something catches my eye as I peer through the crack in the back wall that looks like at one point a door might have been there. My eyes latch onto something shiny, reflective, a glint of silver off a piece of metal that is hanging off someone's belt. Another gun.

They are the brave; they are daring to defy the government. These are the ones. They are dressed in black with knit masks on, a purple tie on their arm, entering through the gap in the building. Their makeshift line is tossing supplies from one person to the other. Supplies are working their way out of the center at a brisk pace. Very efficient, they are practiced like a well-orchestrated ballet; as soon as the last bag is being thrown, they all disappear out of sight.

The gunfire continues, screeching through the air, shattering my eardrums. I am trying to see where these men in black are going. No one is noticing them; they came in taking what they wanted which is actually a whole lot, and then poof, gone. This is what I am being groomed for. I shouldn't be here; I should be there with them, really learning and doing.

Slowly I try to escape my mom's grasp. I need to see, I have to see. She kiboshes that idea and pulls me tighter into her clutches, leaving marks around my wrist.

Abrupt roaring erupts, blaring in my ears and shaking the floor. I quickly turn my head back to the patrol that is fighting, now running backwards towards me. The dirt and gravel seem to be raining down to the ground from the sky. Smoke fills the outside thick and heavy, covering the area. Slowly rising up, the smoke dissipates into the air. Everyone is now gone; the Rebels have vanished into the smoke.

No rations are going to be given out today due to the Rebels visit we just had. The buses return, getting as close as they can to the allotting centers. We are being shoved back on to the buses. They are sending us home without supplies or food.

* * * *

"I bet they were people tired of only getting small rations, not enough to feed a family or anyone really. What if they are from where we live? We could all lose all of our rations. That's what Mom said," Kyle is telling me in his serious voice.

"I think they were someone else. I think they are what we are to become," I counter, not knowing who the Rebels could really be, if I am really to be part of that group. Kyle and I debate who they could be, like we have some insight to it all at the age of thirteen.

"It could have been Mrs. Stein. You know she has been very mean since Mr. Stein died during The Second Transformation," Kyle counters again as he just won't let this drop.

"Kyle, she is old, at least forty maybe, even fifty something, and you'd be mean too if you had to watch your husband slowly suffocate, or something like that. And she's too old!" Well, let's face it; I think anything over the age of eighteen is old. My mom must be ancient. _I still have a lot to learn about life._

Our debates continue as we go on our route of old abandoned houses. A little morbid I know, but we see death all the time around us, and we like to see what treasures we can find in them. Kyle stops suddenly leaving me running into his back. He teeters on his toes. Then he swoops around, grabbing my arm and pulling me behind a tree. His finger is to his lips, pushing me back with his hand locking around my upper arm. This is Kyle's greatest strength, his ability to protect me. He can't protect himself from his father, but I know he will die for me and sometimes that in itself frightens me a little.

All the times I get angry about my life being set out for me before I was born flash before me, making me realize Kyle's life has always been set out for him too. Kyle never was given a choice either. His job is to protect me, and he does it without complaining.

We hear the patrols coming closer, so we flatten ourselves against each other. They never really said we couldn't rummage through the old houses, but they did say the woods were off limits. They carry a death penalty with them. Well, about that, we are in the woods right now, hiding in the thick cedar branches that are sticky with sap.

Kyle changes his grip on me. His arms are around my waist and squeezing me even tighter against his body. I can hear Kyle's breaths in my ear, short and heavy. When the patrols pass us, Kyle slowly makes his way around me and the oak's massive trunk next to the pine trees. Then he tucks us under a low hanging branch. My hands and hair are sticky with a coat of sap on them, but I will not complain.

Kyle continues to hold me since he has tucked us under the branches. He is holding his finger to his lip again to make sure I stay silent. The large low branches have us hidden, but Kyle can see out of a very small gap between needles.

"Two, there were two of them," one of them says as Kyle watches and we both listen to them. "I know there are two of them in here." Their voices are gruff, void of any sympathy towards us.

"Are you sure? I don't want to climb in this brush and shit." The second guard spits his words out at the first.

"I heard them, dammit," the first guard protests.

"I didn't hear anything. You have five seconds to find whatever it is you think you saw. We have places to be."

Clearly the one in charge is getting frustrated with the other. I am sure they will be able to hear my heart pounding in my chest. I have been in a crouching position too long in these branches which cocoon us. I have to stretch.

Snap! A twig. I just broke a twig under my foot. Kyle turns to me slowly, his eyes wide, and there is something I rarely see from him. Panic. He reminds me with his finger to his lip I am to be quiet.

"Did you hear that?" the first guard cries out. Now I am feeling Kyle's panic. They did hear me.

"I didn't hear anything. You need to get your shit together before I turn you in. Do you understand that? You are already walking on an unsteady line. I have stuck my neck out for you more than once to cover your tracks." Apparently the one guard could not hear too well and I'm thankful.

I slowly inch my way closer to Kyle. I have to see. Kyle gives me his "I am getting annoyed with you" look, but I know it is him, his rough voice, I know it. My breath catches as I recognize the guard as the one who hit my mom. My hands tremble and before I know it, Kyle has his hand around mine.

"Smith, forget this; you are hearing things and we have to go. I think you are crazy. We shouldn't even be near these woods. This isn't our patrol route. We wouldn't be here if you weren't so hell-bent scaring that kid we were given orders to leave alone," the second guard snaps his words at the first one.

That little girl is me. I have to slowly, quietly sit down. I make my way down to the ground softly with Kyle's help. As soon as I sit, I try to gather my thoughts, my fears. Why would he have orders to leave me alone? I don't understand. Kyle stands to watch as the guards leave. After some time when he is sure they are gone, he sits down beside me.

Kyle is very quiet for a few minutes then awkwardly places his arm around my shoulders. We are lucky this time despite what the second guard was saying. Today, we crossed their path while we were still in the thick woods behind my house, but if we would have been closer to the abandoned houses there would have been no place to hide.

We climb out from our obscure pine tree shelter. I brush the pine needles off of my pants with my sap-covered hands, making a mess of things.

"Wow, that was close, too close. What is patrol doing out here? I'll protect you, Riley, always." I can hear his words quiver, laced with worry and some fear.

"I don't know. Maybe it has something to do with what is happening in the allotting centers. Maybe we should go back," I offer, feeling deflated already.

"No!" Kyle never barks, I slowly turn and move my shoulders up and down, slightly shrugging in his direction, not saying a word.

"We go just like we planned and look for things just like always. We can't let the guards scare us. I can't wait to be a Rebel. I don't want to wait until I'm sixteen. I'll get rid of those guys; they'll never bother you again, Riley." I glance up to see him staring at me, then he continues to talk, "Maybe, we will get lucky and find some soap for your hands in one of these houses."

I stare back at Kyle for a few minutes and then he shoves me on the shoulder, almost knocking me down. I turn around, running at him and shoving him on the shoulder. We both are belting out laughter. This is how we are together when no one is around; maybe that is why we have been scavenging like this since "it" happened. Besides Kyle and I, well, we were the masters at finding things.
Chapter 4

They say diversity in education is a good thing. That it might make some people good at what they do or have an advantage, and I am one of those people. They just don't know it, yet. My diversity will set me apart.
Six months have gone by since that day in the woods. Kyle still asks if I am alright. Things are changing; I can tell. He won't take me in the woods anymore, and I miss it. He says it is too dangerous for me and he has to be responsible for me. Sometimes I miss the times when we would just have fun. It seems so long ago.

He has a mysterious side to him that I never noticed, and I hate to admit it, but it excites me. While he may not tell me everything, like when we were younger, this feeling of warmth and protection I have near him keeps building inside of me. This is what I believe security feels like. I know with every thread of my being he would die protecting me and I am grateful.

* * * *

It's finally here, seven months and two weeks to the day after Mr. Kendell told us about the rumors of school. The day starts with all the excitement and anticipation that I didn't think I would have about starting school. Yes, you heard me right. I thought I didn't want to go to a public school. I thought homeschooling would be all I ever needed, but it's not. I want ..............I want to see people. And I want to see those people with Kyle by my side. He has become my sense of security.

As Kyle and I are walking to where his dad instructed us to wait for the bus, I grab his arm and turn him towards me. I see his eyebrow go up asking me "what's up."

"Kyle, I know this isn't much and we found it together, but I want you to have this." I push my hand into his, letting a small silver cross that we found together in a house drop.

All of a sudden, he reaches both hands around me and holds me tight. I haven't had Kyle ever hug me like this. I think I like it, a lot.

"Riley, please put it on me," he says, turning his back to me so I can put the necklace around his neck.

"You're gonna wear it now?"

"I'm never taking it off, Riley, never." Then unexpectedly, he kisses my forehead, like a mother kisses her child. Then while my eyes are still shut he kisses me on the lips, leaving me smiling. I only wish he would let me try to kiss him back, but when I open my eyes he is standing in front of me, smiling back. I'm fourteen and I've been kissed. Even if I'm going to this school or whatever they call it, nothing could have started my day in a more outstanding way than this.

* * * *

After my thirty-minute bus ride, which felt like two hours, my excitement is dissipating like fog off the lake in the morning sun. I feel gypped, robbed so to speak. A fence now encloses the school, six feet high with two feet of barbed wire with razor sharp tines on top. It comes complete with gigantic sliding gates. Kyle and I exchange glances, neither one of us trying to hide our worry. Fear is slowly inching up our spines and into our minds. There is a feeling that creeps up my legs into my stomach and churns there making my entire body quiver. Instead of being school-like it is more prison-like.

This isn't right. My pulse is rising along with my grip tightening on Kyle. This is more than the haunting feeling that I don't belong; this is worse, much worse. We must have made a wrong turn. I am sure it is a directional error and the bus will be turning around. And then, wait, it feels just as if someone punches me in the stomach. I can't breathe; all the air is gone; this is wrong; it has to be wrong; the bus stops right in front of what was the old school. How can we be in the right place? This isn't what a school is supposed to be like.

A brigade of guards is standing there ushering a few hundred kids into the school. _(When I say a few hundred, it is really more like a few thousand.)_ _This is it, the day I die._ Alright, maybe I am being dramatic, but you aren't seeing what I am. What I'm seeing looks horrible. My eyes start searching everything, searching for my escape. However, much to my dismay, it seems all directions have been blocked by men with guns.

Kyle and I get off of the bus holding hands. Immediately, the guards are mocking us. This is all we know; we have always held hands since, well, since I could remember. I see the hate Kyle has for the guards, but at the age of fourteen he is too young to do anything. Who would do anything? This is the way it is now. Kyle looks over his shoulders to hear the guards hoot and holler at us. He clutches my hand tighter, as he has no plans on letting go, and it is almost painful at my knuckles, but I don't say a word. His hand gets tighter with each shove, push, and jab from the guards.

Just as I thought my hand would break, a young guard shoves both of us and whispers, "You are not alone," as he walks off. I didn't get a good look at him, other than his dark hair.

"Who was that? What did he mean?" I whisper to Kyle, and I see his frown.

"How am I supposed to know what some crazy ass guard means?" After Kyle quietly chokes his words out, I leave it alone; he obviously did not want to talk about it.

Letting my mind drift momentarily, I go back to a question, the same question I always have. But, when I ask Kyle it is always the same. "Who else would I want to be with, Riley? I will tell you, no one." Then he slides his hand over mine, smiles, and squeezes his fingers around mine. I never thought of his hand holding mine up until recently, since well, I guess last year sometime. Things are just different, and I don't want to lose my friend, not ever. When I say different, I don't mean it in the "excitement" way; I feel like I have won a gift with Kyle. A lotto of security, calmness, and comfort.

As we walk on straight, now a left and a hard right, if I don't pay attention my feet are going to get lost and I will tumble to the ground. As I look up, I see we are standing in front of the gymnasium. Here we are being checked in by a guard holding a clipboard assigning seats. His look is steeled, and he demonstrates that he is the one in control. His clipboard edge hits the side of the wall as he points with his other hand at us. I involuntarily jump.

"That's not going to work." He is staring at Kyle and shaking his head. "You will go there." He points at a seat. "And she will go over there." Then he slides a sheet with a number in our hands. He points to our hands and tells Kyle. "Son, you are starting off on the wrong foot." Tiny pricks from tears are starting in my eyes as Kyle slowly releases my hand. Kyle is my rock, my strength, and they just made us separate.

He is too far away to talk with, but I can see him or at least his beautiful blonde slightly wavy hair that covers back of his head. I guess that will have to do for now, at least until this day is over.

The shouts echo off the walls in here making it too loud to think. There are kids crying, their screaming resonating to a crescendo off the walls. Crying, really? Is that going to help? No! I just want to go back home, but since I can't, I think about the day I can get my revenge. They stole something from us, innocence. So, it won't happen today, not tomorrow, but it will happen. The Second Transformation thinks it has won, thinks it has beat us into submission but we will strike. _Or die trying._

The First Transformation wasn't as bad; it was a gentle takeover. The United States came to be bankrupt and broken on the inside, trying to build walls to separate each other. They used weapons on each other that killed not only people but part of the land. That's why we have uninhabitable land to the immediate west of us. They came in and just took us. I can't even say by a ruthless king because from what my mom taught me he wasn't. King Delrick and all his fairness is gone too, or at least on my side of the world that is, my side of the river.

My head is pounding. The other kids' screeching is getting louder, bringing me to what is happening right now. I examine every inch of the gymnasium. I don't know what I am looking for, but I keep looking and hope I know what it is when I find it. Escape again maybe? I try to memorize every inch of the room I have seen. I have to find all my options, making note of every guard. Then the guard in the hall who shoved into Kyle and me, his words come back to me. "You're not alone." And I wonder if I will ever know what he means.

* * * *

Within minutes or hours, I am not sure anymore, four guards appear out of the back corner and walk on stage. This doesn't surprise me. People in black and grey fatigues are all over these days. All of them neat and well-groomed, as my mom would say. You can't walk from my front yard to my backyard without seeing at least one of them. Okay, maybe I am being dramatic again, but at least it gives a truer picture. It seems we have as many guards as we do people they are guarding.

Sharp squeals come across all the speakers, and I duck a little with the increased pain in my ears and my head. There must be dozens of speakers hung around from the rafters. Now some guard is tapping on the microphone. Thuds fill the air and they replace the screams and crying. Just as sudden as the squeal and thumping starts, everyone shuts up. Looking over at the stage, I see a well-dressed man in a black suit, white shirt, and red tie. I see a pattern here. He has a jagged bright pink scar about a half inch wide from his jaw to his eye patch. It looks as if his skin had been ripped open, not cut. I am not sure what happened to him but it is obvious that the injury is what makes the eye patch necessary. The scar leads right up to it, like it would go through his eye.

"Good morning, I am Master Timmenn; you will address me as such, and nothing else. This is the academy for the girls and girls only." It's hard to inhale. What is he saying? "Now that we understand that, I want all the boys to stand up. Line up in an orderly fashion without talking."

"What?" I feel the tears welling up in my eyes as my stomach starts to swirl. "Kyle, you can't take Kyle!" I do not realize until it is too late; I'm shouting my words out.

Then I'm not sure where the hand comes from that knocks me back into my seat. Somewhere in the excitement I stood up. What an idiot! – Stupid people do things like that, so I guess that makes me one of them. Tears are pouring down my face. Kyle is shoving people out of his way as he jumps over the seat towards me. He is being grabbed and pulled backwards by his hair. But he is fighting with anyone in his way.

"Riley, I'll come back, Riley, I will!" Kyle is screaming his promise as he is taken away from me.

A hollow feeling is washing over me. We are just fourteen and it has already been arranged that we will be with each other. Up until now, I never thought the two of us being separated could happen. We fit together like tight puzzle pieces. They can't have my piece. I want him back.

Those are the last words I hear from Kyle. Just like that, he disappears. All of the boys are gone. The only ones left are the guards and the man, Master Timmenn. Those guards aren't even boys. I mean they are male but not boys, and not my Kyle.

The clearing of someone's throat broadcasts across the speakers. It is him. Master Timmenn. Hearing his voice or even the sound of his voice makes me...... hate him more. I sit, stew, and plot a worse revenge. I try to stifle my sobs, holding my cheek I try to be brave like my mom always told me to be. "If it takes biting your lip till it bleeds, always show a brave face."

"We will not have any outbursts again. You speak only when you are spoken to. Like I said, this is the Academy for Girls. So the boys are not going to be here!" His expression is cold and his eyes squint as he stares his audience down. "Today you have a lot of things you must finish and you **will** finish." And then he is gone. Poof, like he was never here.

A guard steps up to the microphone. "Remember your seat number. That is your number from here on out, and you will need it, so don't forget it. So, without any talking, like Master Timmenn said; do not speak unless you are spoken to. Get up in an orderly fashion and line up single file at the door."

Single file at the door? There must be a thousand of us here. This isn't going to work. But we manage to do it, without talking, without shoving. My ears ring, my head thumps, and I have to turn these stupid tears off. How brave am I, crying the first time someone slaps me? My mom would be disappointed in me. I can hear her now, "Why didn't you bite your lip harder?"

I can taste a copper metallic bitter flavor in my mouth. Either my nose is bleeding, or my lip is. I know this, because this is the taste I had when Kyle and I fell out of a tree and my face met his knee. It was painful. My teeth felt like they fell out, and boy did I leave a hole in his knee. He felt so terrible he picked me Queen Anne's lace for three weeks afterwards, and he never complained once about his knee. Of course, we weren't supposed to be in the tree anyway, because of the new laws.

* * * *

We are now being pushed around again like cattle going to slaughter, through lines and mazes until we make it to another room. Here we are getting our uniforms. Everything is great in brown. Just kidding, I hate brown almost as much as I hate green. I walk up to the table and try to catch my uniform as it goes sailing to the edge. It takes hours to get two uniforms and a book before moving on to the next place.

I feel fingers tightly wrap around my arm and squeeze. Not the subtle squeeze you give someone when you know them. This is more like how your mother squeezes your arm when you just flushed your stuffed animal down the toilet and water is rocketing everywhere. My eyes shoot up to see a guard staring down at me. The urge to breathe too fast is suddenly taking over my body. I'm being pulled out of the line and pushed to the side. This guard has dark skin, brown eyes, and very close hair. "Are you the one who spoke out this morning?" I nod slowly. His voice loud and stern. "Don't do it again."

"Y...yes, sir," I reply, trying to control my nervous stutter with my mom's voice playing over and over in my head.

"Don't let them see, don't let them see." I need to work on that along with controlling my breathing. He leans his head in closer to me.

"You're not alone here." This is all he says, and again I find myself looking up and blankly nodding to him. That's two. 
Chapter 5

One person can change someone's life and the path they take. Most of the time people cling to their best friends and allow them to guide them. But, in reality it can be anyone at any given time who can change the direction of your path. Sometimes it is for the better and then there are the other times.
No one is speaking, but the sounds that should be here seem to cling unbidden around us. One could say this school is haunted by the lull of happy children that were not there. As I look, all I can see is the bleak colorless façade inside and out. Hoping things will take a turn for the better, I power on and realize if they don't, I'm not going to make it.

I really want to find a corner to curl up and hide in. This slap to the face has really thrown me, but Kyle being taken from me is worse. The awful pain keeps growing inside of me, making me want to cower. My mom always told me that you can blow away the pain. She told me you could do that with any pain if you tried hard enough. It at least sounds good in theory, and I wish I could make it work, but the agony, the hurt that is building inside of me can't be blown away. My mom would tell me I'm not trying hard enough; maybe she is right.

We are now being herded into the cafeteria. Again, like animals going to slaughter. The cafeteria is the same placid grey from above our heads to below us. We form a line walking along a smooth grey metal bar that has a shelf beside it. We are sliding our trays down the shelf, looking like zombies staring through the clear plastic shields that are above the shelf separating us from many containers of what they call food. They are going to poison us all; I'm sure of it.

There are only women working on the other side of the glass. I wonder why only women are serving food. Is this what all girls have to look forward to? Why are there only the men guards? The women who work here all wear black and grey pants along with the guards; I guess it is the Goth version of fatigues. The one difference seemed to be their shirt styles. The women's shirts are not the button-downs like the guard's wear. These pull over their head with a knit collar that is starched and crisp. All of them dress about the same, every one of them. How can the women and men dress so closely and yet clearly have a huge difference in status?

After they slop food which looks like fodder on our plates, we are guided in the direction of our seats. Someone is barking, "Follow your number! Everything is organized by your number!" Sure enough on the back of the hard plastic black seats are large block letters and numbers. These patterns of black, grey and red are at best depressing. I sit my grey tray down carefully on the grey table looking at a sea of faces I don't know to my left, to my right and in front of me too. No one acknowledges my presence to the left or right; no one even looks up at me.

* * * *

Then as I see her, the person sitting here – I can tell she is going to shape my life forever and there will be no return. My mother will not do it; she no longer can. She can only teach me with scenarios, books, the past, while she drives me down a narrow road of no mistakes. My father can't do it either since he died. Maybe I should ask for another seat right now. This girl is the one who will bring me to a point of no return or maybe she will be the one who finds me at a time when I feel lost. But all of this is unknown to me at the current time. I need to go back to what's at hand and stop pondering about the future.

There she is in all her beauty right across from me, absolutely stunning. She has dark brown, almost black hair that hangs down to her mid arm. She has a heavier build than I do but that makes her have curves _(not like me)_ and adds to her beauty. Her hair has this beautiful wave to it, not curly not straight. She has a perfect shape of natural eyebrows; below are huge almond-shaped, dark brown, no, dark blue eyes and long dark eyelashes that curl up. A perfect slender nose perfectly places itself on a perfect face. Then her perfect pink lips turn up in a smile. Perfection is something you would see in an old beauty magazine that had been air brushed and people were obsessed with, but now it is in front of me. I also noticed her skin is a beautiful brownish-golden tan just like I saw in the old pictures in magazines of a long-ago time.

She looks me up and then down and simply says, "We have to take care of that," pointing to my bloody lip. Well, at least I know she's friendly. With that, she motions to a guard, the same guard I met in the hallway who yelled at me about this morning then told me I wasn't alone. I'm not too sure about this.

The guard hands her a slip of something then warns us not to take too long and dismisses us. Following closely behind this girl down the hall and as we enter the bathroom, I hear, "My name is Toni." She stares at me as she is grabbing a handful of paper towels. She is waiting for something. Oh...time for me to speak. I don't understand why she makes me nervous.

"Hi, I'm... I'm..." Oh my God, I forgot my name. Shit, could this day get any worse? "I'm Riles, I mean Riley."

"Are you sure?" The corners of her mouth start to turn up. She is going to be a good friend.

"Wow, they gotcha a good one, didn't they?" I just nod. Apparently talking is not my strong point or forte right now.

"Stick with me and you will be alright." Again, I just nod. "We have to get back or they will send someone in after us." I am like a bobble head doll, nodding away in agreement with whatever she is saying.

"Wait, they will send a male guard in here?" I whisper trying not to sound as mortified as I am.

"Oh, Riley, don't think they won't. Those guards can go anywhere they want, anywhere... don't forget it."

Her name is "Toni." I never knew a girl Toni before, but I've never met a guy Tony either. Let's face it, the people I know have always been controlled by my mother.

Taking in a deep breath, I mumble, "They took him." Without saying anything else, I just stop moving. I feel her give my shoulders a squeeze, nudging me on with a quiet "I'm sorry."

This is the day, the day my best friend has been stolen from my reach, tearing my heart apart. It is also the day, the day I didn't think could give me hope, but here she is right in front of me. I just don't see the hope now. But, hope can grow like the flames in a fire with plenty of fuel, dancing and swirling about.
Chapter 6

School doesn't always teach you what you need to know. It would  
if you were content with your life in someone else's hands.  
But I'm not.
We can walk down the school hallways and I can tell you about each and every moment in each class but that is boring so I'm not going to do that. It comes down to this: we have to learn about our history or their version of it, not the one I have been taught. We have to learn the rules of living, so we can carry on a proper conversation, an educated one with others (men). You should also know about Pathways to the Future class that will allow us to choose a career as long as it is one that does not involve being a guard.

In the old world I was taught it was different people could be what they truly wanted to be. People could learn about different things. They learned about literature for its beauty to discover, to live it, and feel it even in their dreams. Here it isn't that way. No more reading fiction or what could be. We read only what they allow us to read. We learn only what they deem will make us a better member of society.

"I hope she'll be a fool - that's the best thing a girl can be in this world, a beautiful little fool." Literally. And _here_ we all are beautiful fools. That was F. Scott Fitzgerald's quote from _The Great Gatsby,_ something that is not allowed to be read anymore!

* * * *

Yesterday my bus ride was lonely; Kyle wasn't with me and at the time I thought maybe they have buses for just the boys. It was awful not having him on the bus with me. As soon as my feet hit the ground from getting off of the bus I bolted to his house. Mr. and Mrs. Kendell didn't even have time to say hello, before I busted out, "Where is Kyle?"

Kyle never came back. The Kendell's told me he wouldn't be back until he is sixteen. Two years, they must be mistaken. You can imagine how my night went and the feeling of dread as I woke. Why didn't I tell him I liked him yesterday when he kissed me? But for that matter, why have I never told him I like him?

* * * *

The last class of the day is Pathways to the Future. It is the same for all: separated into groups by ages. We are sitting in some kind of large lecture hall; the younger ones sit in the front, oldest in the back. There are rows and rows of cascading seats, and towards the front there is another stage. Great. Of course, from ceiling to floor it is grey. We are getting a brief introduction where it is being explained; in time we will be able to choose if we want to work at the school or in the health field, but until then we have to learn our manners and where we belong. This is my third class today that mentions "manners, respect, and our place in the new society."

We are being told our opinions are irrelevant. That we are the weaker of the human species. Our place in this world is to support and accommodate our counterparts. We do not matter; it is the men who make us strong. Now more than ever I need Kyle to be back.

On the outside, our last class, it looks like any other class I have. It is long, boring and teaches things I don't care about or won't care about even if I try to care about them. If I had my way, I would be doodling my way through the class. But, right now I am too afraid to do that. Afraid my fingers will get cut off. I was told that really happens or even worse: some are being sent to the work farms.

* * * *

My neighbor Julie, well, she is kind of my neighbor living two blocks away; it would be delusional to say we are civil to each other. She used to come down to my house under the pretense of work, but mostly all she did was watch Kyle and me. Probably more Kyle than me at that. Julie is older than I am and it is only fair to say she is as beautiful as ever just like when she was younger. The rest of the world could be crashing around us – wait it did, mass flooding, earthquakes, hurricanes, the whole Armageddon thing – and Julie will still stand tall, talk, and be dazzling as ever, with her glowing tan as a bonus. I'm sure we have all met people like this. Before anything is said, I know, I know, drama and jealousy isn't a good look for anyone. But to my heartbreak, she is in this class.

This seating couldn't be planned any better. Here I am a little past midway in the seats, Toni about three quarters of the way back, and Julie, well, she is the nosebleed seats. She probably can't even see us or anything for that matter. Perfecto! My day is getting better, lots better. Until the bus ride home; life sometimes can play cruel tricks.

Three years older than me and three rows of seats away on the bus, she is not nearly far enough. I take my assigned numbered seat; she follows going farther down and sits. As she passes, faintly I hear my name being whispered to get my attention and the same someone saying, "I won't be on this thing long. My dad will see to that." Julie. She flips her hand arrogantly around. Sometimes I get this urge to punch her right in the nose. Just kidding, that would be wrong, but very tempting.

She wants me to acknowledge her, so I shrug my shoulders. My head is pounding by the time I get home. My ears have heard way too much of her seductive lines. At the age of fourteen my ears have been scarred for life by a seventeen-year-old. It is nauseating the way she giggles and whispers to the guards. She doesn't even know them. There always has to be one in a crowd, doesn't there?

"You have company," I hear as I approach my home. I stare at my mom in the garden, but she doesn't say anymore, just nods towards the door. My hands tremble a little. I haven't had anyone here for me in a very long time, since I was younger when I took self-defense _cause Kyle doesn't count._ Slowly I open the door and see a man standing with his back to me as he gazes out the window. He is fit with a narrow waist and wide shoulders. His hair is silver from age. I feel a smile come across my face in disbelief.

Slowly the man turns to face me. Preston my Tai Chi Master. His blue eyes glow from under his silver hair that is tousled about. My instructor, my mentor, takes a wide stance as I run at him hitting him at full speed, knocking him back momentarily. Warmth spreads through me as I feel his solid arms wrap around me. He has been a friend to me, and I always thought that if I knew my dad, he would be identical to him.

He is kind and has taught me more about life than fighting. He always said things had to balance in life. He used to make me shut my eyes and ask if I could feel it, the balance that is.

At this moment things were out of balance and I was to balance things again. His arms slowly release me, and I feel the tears running down my face. He bends down and wipes my tears. He isn't particularly tall, but I am not particularly tall either, kinda on the short side. He is one-hundred percent firm from muscle but the gentlest person I have known, well, other than Kyle.

His finger points at my lip. "I hope the other guy looks worse." He winks knowing there was nothing I could do. Clearing his throat, he continues, "I know I'm not supposed to be here anymore, but I am leaving. I will be away from this area. I wanted to say goodbye to my little girl." _I might add that I'm not so little anymore._

My arms reach around him again. "Please don't go, please," I plead. I'm not sure why I'm feeling this, but he can't be out of the area, not after they took Kyle. He can't go too.

"I have to go, Sunshine." _Sunshine, he is the only one who has ever called me that._

My tears break into heavy sobs and through it I moan. "No, please." Without thinking I tighten my fingers into the t-shirt he's wearing. I weave the thread-woven material around my fingers and latch on tight.

"Shshsh, no need for that," he insists. My head tilts back and he wipes my tears. "Before you know it you will be living with me." Slowly I release the grip I have on his shirt.

"You could take me with. I want to go now. Please, Preston, please," I plead as my pout starts growing. Standing firm, he shakes his head and I prepare myself for the final of his disappointing words.

"Your mom needs you here, now." I back away from him slowly.

"No, she doesn't. She doesn't care about me!" I cry out.

"Hey, none of that, it isn't true. She's your mother; of course she cares."

"If she cares, why isn't she in here with us?" As if taking a cue from some unknown source, my mom comes walking in with potatoes and she stares at me.

"Mom, I want to go with Preston," I demand in a voice that even takes Preston by surprise.

"Riley, honey, I told you never deviate from the plan. Take that as a no." She is giving me her half-hearted smile. It's the one I am sure everyone has seen. A fake plastered smile that lets you know she is really unhappy with you.

"Aww, she'll do fine. I am sure of it. I believe in her." Preston smiles at me. "Sunshine, I'll see you soon." I give him one last hug and he is out the door.

She grimaces a little as she starts to speak. "I know it's hard but it's time you start learning, Riley." That's all I have done my whole life. Sucking my lip in between my teeth, I want to bite down hard to stop the tears that are falling.

"Not school, I mean for you to learn what your purpose is going to be. You'll have an important job. That is what I have been telling you about. Kyle will eventually be by your side; don't worry about that. Riley, you can't change what has been fated for you."

"This isn't fate, Mom, not at all. This is you programing my life for me and me not getting any say in it! I'm fourteen. **I want to be a normal fourteen-year-old!** " I see her scowl and think, _Touché, she didn't like that_.

"Like I have told you before, Riley, we are talking about a lot of lives..." she pulls me to the window "... **not just yours.** Don't be selfish."

The tone in my mom's voice is hard for me to hear. I can tell she really thinks I'm selfish. She would have never thought that of me just two years ago, but a lot can change in a person in two years.

But she continues, "Stop acting this way. What is a normal fourteen-year-old here, Riley?" She swings her arms out with her hands up. "One who has to endure from the age of sixteen on what some guard could do to her? A girl who could be beaten by a guard for no reason and then she is the one punished? A couple who could be shot just for taking a walk in the wrong area? A person who has to starve to death because he or she can't make it to the allotting centers, not to mention there are fewer and fewer times we can go? Is that what a normal fourteen-year-old life is? Is that what a normal fourteen-year-old has to look forward to?" She is now looking down at me with her arms crossed in front of her. I think, _Well this day really sucks._

I whisper, "I didn't think about that."

"No, no, of course you didn't. You better start. For God's sake, you are fourteen years old. People's lives are at stake. They count on you." Her voice is raised in a way I have never heard it before.

"But I don't want people to count on me." I say it quietly, saying it thinking the softer I say it maybe my mom won't react as harshly to it. I am wrong.

"You are the one; you have been taught that since you were a baby. Your father wanted this, so you are going fulfill it. It isn't up for debate. Find your own dinner. I am going to try get rid of this headache."

I nod, my heart pounding so hard I swear it is going to pop right out of my chest. _This is going to be a long night. I want to scream._
Chapter 7

What if what you think is your life isn't? And what you thought your life couldn't be, really is? Would you make it? Could you   
conform to the new life or would you reject it?  
Or will it reject you?
"Riley, what are the rules?" I can hear my mom asking me this for the umpteenth time since I can remember.

"I'm to lead Rebels." She is nodding for me to continue. "With Kyle by my side, I am to continue what has been started." Her eyes narrow on me until I finish. "I trust no one."

* * * *

As I think this morning about my life, Mom and I have always been there for each other. Now some days I can't stand to be in the same room with her. But, I cannot think of my mom now, nor can I afford confrontation, and I must be quiet as I leave. Slipping through the house with only the sound of a soft creaking coming from the wood floor as my weight shifts, I hear the soft click of the front door closing behind me. I sprint up the hill to where the bus meets us. There is not much I can do about things with my mom, not this morning. We seem to be drifting apart and school is mandatory, five days a week. I can't be late.

After climbing into the bus, I roll my eyes, shaking my head when I see Julie in the back seat whispering something to the same guard then giggling. I sink down into my assigned seat as I feel the heat in my cheeks, hoping no one can see me blush listening to the two of them talk. My head throbs and I feel nauseated all over again as I stare out the window waiting to be able to get off of this stupid thing.

* * * *

Later that day, Toni and I manage to get near each other as we file down the hallway. Finally, one more class to go then I can go home but then again I will have to deal with my mom. We are weaving our way through the hallway and there is screaming in front of us. Out of the corner of my eye I see students being pushed out of the way. Some fall to the ground. We both stop dead and look at each other, our eyes wide in fear.

More guards are running out of what seems to be cracks in the walls. When did school get so many? More girls are getting shoved, hitting the walls. Someone's voice is high pitched in a panic as she explains.

"I didn't shove her, I just tripped. I didn't..." The voices are muffled as the guards drag these two girls off in another direction. Toni bumps into me and whispers, "In fifteen minutes after class starts go to the bathroom. Don't leave the bathroom until I talk with you." Acknowledging Toni, I only give her a slight nod while I wonder if those two students will ever be seen again or if they are already on the trucks going to the work farms.

Some countries have prisons. We have two possibilities: work camp or being shot. Well, I guess three possibilities; there is always the waiting to be shot. No prison time here, that is not as intimidating for President Pratt. " _Don't do a crime or you will be locked up and forgotten about_." _No way is that going to happen here_ , I thought to myself. There is no chance of redemption or no end to your sentence at the work camp. Once you are there "justified" or not you stay there.

Well, I really can't say "no end" to the sentence. If you become unable to work or too old to work or too much trouble, well... you are disposed of like trash. Work camps do the necessary jobs, farming mainly, but also the sewers, or water, or burying the deceased. You can pretty much see a pattern here - anything that nobody would readily choose to do. Remember here committing a crime doesn't matter, just because... you are you, and they are they and they don't like you, is what matters.

My thoughts are coming back into focus and my hands are trembling. After what we just witnessed, I can't help but have a bad feeling. Toni might cost me my life. Should I? Shouldn't I meet with Toni? The choice keeps bouncing back and forth. Yes, no, yes, no. This is a horrible decision to have to make. Is it worth it? But if what my mom says is true? If I am to lead Rebels aren't I going to have to take some risks? Make moves that most people would not, weigh decisions that most people couldn't. I just didn't think I would have to start now. But then again, my mom also says "trust no one."

My mom's words, "You can't deviate from the plan," play over and over in my head. Am I paranoid? This isn't a fair choice, but whoever said it would be?

Trying to focus back on my surroundings I realize I am sitting in my Pathways to the Future class and I hear Toni ask to go to the bathroom. She is making this too obvious. I can't do this...I...I need a deep breath. Everyone's eyes are on me. I know they are. I won't look up, I can't, I will be seized by a guard, I know it. My hands cover my face as the heat swarms in my cheeks.

Slowly I let go of the breath that I have been holding. My eyes follow Toni as she casually walks out the door and I wait for a few minutes. She must have been able to tell that I was having a hard time deciding. I was to go first. Taking my hands from my face, I take in another deep breath, and hold my hand in the air trying to convince myself not to let it tremble, waiting until I am acknowledged.

I give my best antsy, _I am going to pee my pants look_ , better known as the pee-pee dance. The instructor looks up and says, "Oh, yes, Staggs, I have the paper right here. You are needed in the office." What? I KNEW IT! My panic is rising quickly. I can feel sweat building on my forehead. "Now, Staggs, I assume I do not have to send a guard with you."

"N-n-no, sir," I stammer. I've gotta calm down. They can't know. How could they? She didn't have time. I take the paper and try not to dart out the door of the classroom.

I am walking quickly down the hall, trying to control my body from shaking. I turn the corner and I slip into the bathroom. Checking the room, I then slide into a stall and shake while I hide. Time stops. It is that damn clock on the wall again; it must be going backwards. I am here, and the real hard panic is starting. What am I doing here? I can't go to the office, I won't. Come on, come on, Toni, show up! She'll know what to do. I hope. She is not going to show, not going to show. Wait, she left before me. Oh God, I am so stupid.

Hearing a thud then the sound of shoes slapping the ground, I hear footsteps growing louder. Slowly I try to pick my feet up. _Good thinking, I know, right?_

"Come on, it's just me, open up." It's Toni. A large breath escapes me in the form of a loud sigh. Before I can open the door, her face is peering up at me from the bottom of the door.

"Where were you?" I demand with my hands firmly on my hips.

She lets out a little laugh. "Doing the same thing you were; just I was standing on the toilet. After I heard a stall door close, I knew it was you and not a guard." _She's smart_. "Or at least I was hoping I was right."

Grabbing her arm, I look right into her eyes, feeling myself tremble but not allowing the tears to fall. Not this time. "Toni, we have a problem. They w-w-w...want me down at the office."

"No, they don't." A smug smile is on her face, the kind my mother always told me to wipe off mine.

"This isn't a time to be laughing at me." My fear I am allowing to turn into anger at Toni. After all, how could she be laughing; this is serious. I am reaching for the paper that the instructor gave me. It is neatly folded in my pocket and I shove it at Toni. I am watching her unfold it and her smile is growing. Now my lips tighten together trying hard not to let what I want to say slip out. She is still smiling at the fact I am going to the office.

"Give it back to me if you aren't going to help me!" _I have forgotten my rule about trust and this is where I have ended up._

"It's blank, Riley." I snatch it out of her hand and stare at it unbelieving. "He is on our side, Riley. None of the guards would dare ask Master Timmen about you. Not if they thought he wanted to speak with you." My eyes are twice their normal size as I stare at her.

"We need to go someplace else. Come with me and don't worry. It's safe." These are words that are used too much and mean too little.

"Let me check the hallway." Toni says. I'm not talking to her; I just nod still debating if I am mad at her. "The coast is clear, but it won't be for long, so we have to hurry." I nod again to her.

All of a sudden Toni grabs my arm and yanks me out of the bathroom and down the hall. I freeze. "No," I whisper.

There standing in front us at a small opening to a stairway is with a large male with skin the color of a walnut shining in the sun; he has deep dark brown eyes with a slight angle that could make you melt. He is the one in the hallway who told me I wasn't alone on that first day. His nose is straight, and his hair is so short you could see his scalp; there is also the shadow of a very clean-cut beard around his perfect lips and mouth, above a narrow chin that widens into a strong jaw line. He is gorgeous and deadly.

His muscles in his arms are clearly showing through his uniform. Something about him is different. A wave of clean vanilla and spring wafts my direction. He smells great. I am motionless, frozen in place. I can't make my feet turn and run, they refuse to move and do their job of getting me out of here.

"He won't tell. He's cool; don't worry. Stop looking like you are dead; you aren't." Toni says as she gives me a faint smile but continues yanking me by my arm forward. "Come on before you are dead because the real guards returned." Toni's emphasis on the later part of her statement makes my feet magically obey. "You are safe, move!" Toni is now sounding more frustrated with me.

"Famous last words." I mumble a little louder than I mean too. Hearing me, this guard starts to grin. For some reason I relax a little and listen to Toni explain.

"He is a," she begins as her hands move up in the air making quotation marks, "look-out." Then she put her arms back to her side and continues. "He's with me, sorry, I mean us. Don't worry, really. His name is Aaron." As I walk grudgingly closer, I notice he is in his late teens or early twenties. If I had to guess I think there is something between them as their eyes linger on each other far too long.

She jerks my arm to get my legs moving faster, but I have unconsciously made my body stop at this Aaron. He nods, and I watch his eyes searching the hallway; turning to me he quietly tells me I need to keep moving.

"Riley, it is okay, there are a lot more on our side. He is just one of them." My mind is racing. She steps back and wraps her arm in mine and starts tugging on me hard.

"So, I have heard." Again, I am muttering to myself.

We continue down four steps and through a door. We are in some kind of old supply closet. The odor of dampness reminding me of wet worms meets me with each breath. The shelves have long since been abandoned, with a few exceptions, but most are coated with layers of dirt. It is dark with only an old light bulb hanging from a few wires lit in the corner. It has been left untouched as if it were forgotten.

"Who are you?" I say, slowly making each word sharper than any knife. My head is reeling in a thousand different directions. "Who is he? Why are we here?" This is getting too much for me to take in calmly. I now fully understand the word consternation because I am living it right now. In the pit of my stomach I feel a twisting, and I am fully aware of the dangers in what we are doing.

"Well first of all, – I get it, I get you have questions. I am planning on answering them. Probably even some questions will be answered you haven't thought of yet, well maybe." She is smiling.

"I know you are scared, but don't be, not with me. I am the same girl that cleaned up your face after you were hit by a guard." She has me there. No one else was offering; no one else cared. Heck, no one else even looked at me. I realize we are conspiring, and even if we are not –, but we kinda are – we can be killed for this.

"A guard." I nudge my head towards the door almost accusing Aaron of hitting me. "Like the one standing out there on the other side of that door." The statement groups all the guards together as one. She shakes her head at me. The urge to take her shoulders and shake her viciously is overwhelming. If she didn't stand a head above me I probably would.

"No, he wouldn't, Riley. He would die for you," she says still shaking her head as she turns and motions me to take a seat on a box. "My name is Toni, or Antoinette LaBarge. I am sixteen and believe me, I'm like you. I never had a choice either; neither did my brother or my other brother they killed."

Suddenly my heart aches for her, for me, for her brother and for my father. Toni continues, "So, here we are, and we have many guards on our side. Trust me, the percentage is growing, thankfully every day." " _They_." _She must mean the Rebels, at least that is who I hope she means._ She continues, "We are part of something, you and me." She points at me. "You have a bigger part in this yet to come. This is what has been planned for us. It was started long before or maybe around the time we were born or maybe when we were really little. No, never mind, it was before we were born. No, that can't be it either." She really seems to be debating this to herself. "Oh, the time thing, that doesn't matter. What we do now is what is important." She pauses at a sudden loud clatter outside the door. We both suck in air and freeze.
Chapter 8

To not deviate from a plan means you know the plan. Maybe it is   
time to learn my place in society. I have been well educated. It would  
be a waste not to use it, wouldn't it?

Toni's finger comes at me like a torpedo parting water, pressing against my lips. I feel the sweat building on my forehead like I have been placed in the desert sun as tiny rivulets of water start sliding down my temples. Her hands fall to her side as the butterflies have a war in my stomach and we stand in silence as the shaking begins in my knees and works its way throughout my body.

I stare at the ground listening, and I wait _for an eternity_. The shouts are getting close along with the pounding of boots on the floor. Or is that my heart pounding? We both shrink back away from the door, staring at it as if it had the ability to strike us down, knowing deep down it does. The seconds seem like hours as we wait. Toni slides her hand carefully over to the light switch as our single light blinks out and now we stand encompassed in darkness. We are covered in darkness as the moments tick by. The last five minutes feel like five years. __

"Listen," Toni whispers to me, "it's quiet again." There is a light knock on the door and my whole-body tenses as she turns the light on. Squinting my eyes, I try to blink out the spots as if the single bulb were as bright as the sun.

"Did you hear that?" I look at her and shrug. "Okay there were two taps, pause, another tap, and then a pause again and a knock two more times."

"Okay?" I nod to her with my shoulders up.

"That is the guard telling us that the coast is clear. I have to be quick, so listen carefully. People, your dad or maybe your mom, my parents, decided we were going to be part of something after The First Transformation. They saw or knew, not sure which, that something bad was coming that didn't belong here before The First Transformation. They started a movement, Riley. What they saw needed to be fixed. A long time passed then enter you, me, and many others as a second war was ending." This seems like a vague enough explanation yet is more informative than I have ever heard at any one time in my life. In one meeting with one girl who is basically a stranger, I've learned more information than my mom has told me in the past seven years. I cannot help but feel the sting of tears threatening to fall.

"Back when it was called the New Republic..." Toni starts again to explain. Thinking about my mom's history lessons, I did know this. The New Republic was all of the areas that was the old United States with the exception of the far west border that had been California, Oregon, Washington and also Mexico. That area is now Stonecoast, named because of the ocean it borders and the rocky terrain that was left after a series of severe earthquakes and the separation war that happened with the United States. The residents keep to themselves; no one enters, and no one leaves. The uninhabitable land that was left from the United States era is now the east side of the rocky terrain that makes up Stonecoast's borders. It is an additional reason they are isolated. No one knows much about Stonecoast other than it is a dictatorship with strong borders and strong defense, and it is extremely self-sufficient. _Apparently_ , _they provide themselves what they need since no one else could get to them._

The New Republic was divided at the Bisect River. It now only claims the eastern side of what was the old United States and has changed its name to Rohkea. Rohkea didn't really fight for what was west of the Bisect River, which is now New Kismet; they feared the casualties would not be justified on this skinny strip of land, so they let President Pratt win. West of New Kismet most of the land is uninhabitable desert with major dust storms exhausting it; no one claims it until you get to Stonecrest. Letting us go was their only real choice.

Hanging my head low for a minute, I whisper, "But, it's my home." I feel her hand gently squeeze my shoulder.

"It is called a republic, but it really isn't. They have an older king. His name is Delrick there but his young son King Brysen now rules, but that doesn't matter to us. Well, if they help us it would be nice, but they are on that side of the river, and we are on this side of the river. They had us before and let us go, so we might have to face the reality of them not helping." She waves her hand dismissively as she tells her story. _I never thought of them helping us._

"Riley, I think if we showed them we could do it, that we are united, they would help us," Toni whispers.

"This is the start of a revolution. You, I, –" she says as she points at the door, "some of the guards who are on our side; we all have a part." She takes a little piece of paper out of her shoe which looks to have been folded and unfolded a hundred times. "Your mom, did she mention anything?"

I shake my head whispering, "No, not really." Finally, I feel my shoulders ease, only to tense again. I should be pissed really pissed. This total stranger meets me, and I have to rely on her to fill in the holes of my life. Have I drifted that far from my mom? I mean I know we fight about her planning my life out and the tight rope I must walk, but this?

"Really? No wonder you're shaking" I feel myself tremble, not realizing it until this was mentioned. "We have been talking about this for, well, forever." Sympathy is showing on her face, making me feel even worse as she gives my shoulder another squeeze as if someone has died recently. "In this old supply closet is where a chosen few will meet. When the time comes, I'll let you know. For God's sake, never tell your neighbor Julie." I just nod to her because I don't have anything to say.

Toni continues, "Her father is a huge financial supporter of President Pratt." _At least now I know why I hate the bitch. Okay maybe that is harsh. I should say that is why I dislike the bitch._ "I know this is a lot to take in and I am talking so fast. You'll find friends here with me, I know you will." She gives me a small smile that right now counts as a million dollars to me.

"Does... how can we get out of a class with Julie in it, without her knowing?"

"No worries, she won't say or ask anything; she can't risk embarrassing her family or jeopardizing their status." Toni takes a quick breath. "Just so you don't forget, they wanted this..." she says, swinging her hands around, "to happen. Can you believe anyone would want this?" She pauses and continues. "There are a few supporters of the President's out by your house, so be extra careful. This is serious, they are out there, and they will be who you least expect."

_How quickly they forgot the day the ground shook. What's wrong with them?_ _Traitors, all of them. Well, technically I am but still..._

"Don't let any of your neighbors fool you." I nod to her but feel the hole growing inside my chest.

Toni sees my expression. "I know, it makes me sad too. When did we ever get to play and be oblivious?" She chuckles lightly to herself. Her eyes go soft like she is really thinking about her lost childhood, _our lost lives_.

"Oh, I have a few more things because we are really running out of time. We never talk about this even at home. Never. You need to act, well, normal." My understanding is when push comes to shove I must remain silent. No matter what.

"The guard out there is Aaron; he'll always help us. If he isn't there, go to the bathroom and back to class quickly. Our instructor will make an excuse for us. There are guards on our side but not nearly enough in this school." She gives me a quick smile then continues, "It is easy to blend in when we leave here. You blend into all the other kids going to the buses. Aaron will help you." That is almost comical because I'm not much for blending in.

"Another last thought," Toni laughs when I roll my eyes at her as she continues, "we can't put the guards we have in danger. I won't risk them to come and get you. Things work well for us getting the information we need. Each and every one in the resistance, they all have important jobs. To put it in plain English, we need our spies not to be used as chaperones, so you don't get one." After this she bows and sweeps her hand towards the door.

We stand by the door, and Toni gives me a small hug. As she wraps her arms around me she whispers something I will never forget, " **We make a difference, or we die trying.** " The phrase is now sinking in one horribly dreadful word at a time.

Aaron will help me, I think, almost laughing to myself. Aaron puts his arm protectively around his back pushing me behind him and against the wall as he looks down the hall. As the bell rings I see first-hand what Toni is talking about. If Aaron times this right for me, I am going to stroll into the crowd of students and be lost. My nerves are in an accelerated frenzy when he pushes me into the crowd. But, I blend right in with everyone else like I have been here all along, never looking back, only ahead. I am walking to the bus like the others, and no one even blinks in my direction.

_I should be playing tag and laughing with my friends. Talking about boys and telling secrets. But that is a different story._ _Not my story._

* * * *

For the past year, Toni and I have snuck private meetings during our last class. Not often, mind you, and if my last teacher is one of us, he's good, real good because I can't tell it. It worries me a little or maybe a lot more than just a little. The guards have changed; Aaron has left so we have a new guard. His name is Remington. He is, umm-hmm drop dead for lack of any other way to put it. Toni and I evade everyone and slide into our small supply closet that is down a few steps from the rest of the world. With a rank smell of dirty mops when you first walk in that is now more comfortable to me than my own home.
Chapter 9

Well, let's face it. We are not supposed to be a punching bag,  
physically or mentally.
Walking straight through my house, I noticed it is empty, so I continue to the garden. I see my mom kneeling in the mud, her lips pursed as she digs with a hand spade in the row of carrots. She is more stabbing than digging, almost as if they have done something to anger her. Should I say hi, or shouldn't I? I know that look; it is the one that precedes my entire name being rattled off in record speed and some type of word exchange afterward.

Time to step up. "Hi, Mom." _Shweh, no yelling yet, maybe she has forgotten my constant objection I have about the plans she has made for my life._ She stops and waves. As I near her, I can see the dirt smears on her cheeks and her pants caked with mud. I can smell the must of wet that reminds me of dead worms from the recent storms. "What are you doing?" I ask. _I can see what she is doing but I'm trying to be nice and social._

"Well, I have weeded most of the garden. The ground is so wet it's hard to get anything done. The poor thing took a lot of storm damage." I know she is holding back the _"and that will hurt us this winter"_ part.

"I pulled some carrots already, so we can bake them for dinner tonight. It'll be late, though; I need to clean up. Honey, why don't you finish up here and then go over there to weed."

"Mom, did you remember it is my birthday?" I am snarling as I spit my words out.

"My sixteenth," I whisper.

"Well, so it is, Hun, and no, I didn't forget."

"Now, Riley, finish the weeding over there, wash up, and the carrots will be cooked." Dropping to my knees, I start weeding, and I allow the tears to finally spill.

* * * *

Before she leaves my mom says, "Oh, Riley, now that I think about it, Mr. Kendell was over today." _I hate that man._ "We had a nice long talk about your future." _My future and you guys talk about it without me. "_ And you know I would never forget your birthday. Mr. Kendell and I decided you and Kyle will get married as soon as Kyle comes home. After all, you are sixteen and Mr. Kendell is very concerned about the movement and would like to help, Hun." _Did she just fall off the stupid truck? Forget about getting married too!_ "Mr. Kendell does seem to have the money to help you know."

"No!" I snap, knowing my face must be bright red. My eyes burn a little as they blur with my tears still filling them, betraying me and threatening to spill. _I hate angry tears._

_I'm not marrying him right now!_ All I want is what seems like two simple words that can turn someone's day completely around. You don't need to buy or give someone anything, just let someone know you care or at least care enough to say, "Happy Birthday."

"Mom...what did you tell him?"

"Nothing, I told him he will have to talk with you. Don't act like you are offended. Remember he was friends with your father too and they planned your future together." _She is using the dad card to make me feel guilty!_

**"I'm not talking to him! Anything you tell him I will say it's a lie!"** Okay, maybe shouting is not in my best interest right now. "I just wanted you to tell me Happy Birthday, that's all. You shouldn't have said anything to him. How could you? And I'm not marrying Kyle right now." _Mr. Kendell is sleazy, slimy, a snake that obviously charms my mother. I taste vomit in my mouth._

There go those lips pursing again at me. **"Riley Marie Staggs,"** _I knew she would get to calling me by my full name. "..._ **you will talk with Mr. Kendell if I say so.** You are behaving like a brat. Mr. Kendell, I think is right; I should have disciplined you better as you grew up." _Like he would know about raising a kid; all he can do is beat one._

"He also said Kyle might not be home for a little bit, something about training on surveillance and how it will help out with the movement."

My mouth drops open in shock. Staring at her, I take a deep breath to compose myself. _Did she just say she knew something about Kyle and didn't tell me that first?_ "And, little miss, don't you raise your voice to me. And you will marry Kyle when I tell you to."

"Mom, how can you say that?" I let out a large sigh, not bothering to hide how upset I am right now. "You know other people have received letters from their brothers or boyfriends? I have not received one, not once. Not even a hello jotted on a scrap paper from Kyle." _Way to go; take it out on Kyle and he isn't even here._ "And..." _Don't say it._ "...if you want to marry into their family so bad you can marry Mr. Kendell." _There it is; I went too far._

"You are going to stop right there, young lady. Is that what your problem is? Kyle hasn't talked to you? Well, Riley, he is busy, act your age. Mr. Kendell said this is special training. You should be proud of him. Not everyone gets picked for this. Mr. Kendell is proud." _I bet he is, just like a prized kill hanging on his wall._

My mom stomps off to the house and I remain in the garden. Finally, the sun is setting, and I have to quickly get cleaned up before curfew. After all that has been said, I can't think about eating. I just need to go to sleep and hope for the best tomorrow.

* * * *

It is Friday. We are finishing getting our ideas out in our little hideaway supply closet. It looks like I am trying to draw a plaid material or a tic-tac-toe game in the areas I ask if we could farm. "What about fertilizer? That would be huge if we had it." My nerves are getting the best of me, worrying that I am going to lead us into starvation. Toni keeps reassuring me that things will be fine. Now that I am sixteen that makes Toni eighteen which means she should have gone by now.

"Oh, and don't worry about the ground; we have plenty of shit to fertilize with." Raising my hands up along with my eyebrow, I stop writing on the map to look at her. "We have a few animals; we will use their shit. What did you think I meant?" Toni says as she curls her lip and gives me a little push on the shoulder as she releases a little chuckle.

"Don't ask, but it was gross."

"Eww, human, Riley? That's nasty."

"What's wrong, Toni?" Looking at her closely I can see something is bothering her. "Please."

"Riley, I'm going to have to leave sooner than I thought. I was really hoping to spend more time with everyone, but I can't."

"Don't get mad when I bring this up..." When someone prefaces a conversation with me saying that, I know it's going to make me mad. "...Mr. Kendell, he is a very dangerous man. Are you sure Kyle is on your side?" How could I get mad at Toni? Every time I see Mr. Kendell, my gut tells me there is something wrong with him.

I need to clarify this so there will not be any doubt. "Kyle is always on my side, always." As I look at Toni, I can tell something is bothering her; she might have thought she deviated bringing up Mr. Kendell but I am not going to let it drop.

"Please tell me what's wrong." She shakes her head to me. "Please."

"Okay, there is a guard poking around my house. I don't know what he is up to, but my parents and I have to disappear soon."

"Who is he and what about your brother?" Toni backs her head up staring at me like I have four heads.

"What does it matter who he is, and my brother is a guard."

Don't get the wrong idea; I'm not a violent person, quite the opposite, but if this noisy guard who is poking around does something to Toni's family...

"Riley, I know you want to help but we will just end up in trouble. The idiot hasn't done anything yet... Too many other important things that we need to do, and we can't afford any attention."

* * * *

When I arrive home, my mom is waiting for me outside as she has done many evenings usually to have me help in the garden. "We need to talk, Riley." It's the same thing I have heard countless times before, but today it is different. There is a harshness to it. Rolling my eyes as she leads me out to the tomatoes, I know she has more on her mind than bringing the ripe ones in.

"Riley, I have never pressed you for information. I know the meetings that have been taking place for a few years now. Am I right?" This has Mr. Kendell and what he wants to know all over it. To think she would give in to that man has my mind spinning hopelessly out of control. As I stare at her suspiciously, the question that sticks out most in my head is "Why now?" I know anything I say will go to Mr. Kendell, and I don't trust him and right now I don't trust her. I am to stay quiet, so I do.

This whole questioning isn't right; she shouldn't be asking these things. Something is wrong, so I do the next thing that comes to my mind. As I study the ground, I keep my expression blank and lie, shaking my head no. _Ha, like she is going to believe me._

"Don't get angry, it's only a question." But my thoughts are jumbled up and my face is getting hot. _Is she getting answers for Mr. Kendell? Has she been? Is she that gullible?_

Slowly, I turn my head to look at her. I can't lie; I am horrible at it. But this is something she has taught me, and I am going to do it now. Shoving my fingernails deep into my palms, I answer, "I have classes all day. I don't know what you are talking about," making sure I sound absolutely on board with this conversation. I turn on my heels, and I walk into my house letting the door slam behind me as I continue to my bedroom. Looking down at my palms, I see small drops of blood where my nails tore the skin.

Digging through my drawers, I am not sure what I am looking for until I hear a light knock. I cringe. God, can't she leave me alone. " **What?** " She opens the door and walks in like that was an invitation.

Sitting on my bed, she is there waiting for me to face her. "Riley, I think Mr. Kendell could not be a better father-in-law to you." _I knew it_. "You and Kyle can raise a family when he returns and you two marry." Who is this lady? And where did my mom go? My Mom, the strong one who taught me never to trust anyone, to be careful and to die for the cause, just fell out of the dumb tree when it comes to Mr. Kendell. My mom used to be the smartest person I knew. Now look at her.

Right now, this is all I can take. I'm done. Pointing my finger at this woman wondering where my mom went, I lose it. "Who are you?" I say accusingly. _At this point, I am starting to wonder if my mom is going to be a traitor to the rebellion or is she just an alien._

"I am sixteen; this is all you have told me since... since I don't know, birth, or when I could hear! What about Kyle? Shit, you want me to marry him now, fine whatever." I take a deep breath. _Oh, God I just said shit to my mom,_ but I am still full-body angry at her.

"YOU DID THIS TO ME, US. You...It's your entire fault." Not sure when it happened, but I realize I am pointing at her as the sobs are getting stuck in my throat. "YOU SOLD ME TO THIS LIFE." It's meant to sound cold and icy. It must be working as my mom's eyes are wide, staring at me.

Quietly I hear, "Of course, dear, and you will be with Kyle." She smiles softly at me. "The sooner the better." _What?_

"Don't!" My finger is out accusing her. "I didn't ask for this, any of this. You want me to marry Kyle, I get it, Mom. But then you need to go find him because apparently in this training they broke his fingers and he can't write. Everyone else is back from the boy's academy. And when we marry it will be on our terms." _Like in five years maybe I'll be ready, and I want Kyle and me to pick the day like a normal couple would._ I think to myself. My voice is rising even though I am trying to calm myself, but it is futile. "I was thrust into the middle of hell, always being taught that I was to be used for something more, something bigger, not for me, but for others."

"You know Kyle is at special training; be proud and as soon as he is back you can get married. That's all I'm saying. I won't be here forever, Riley; you need him to take care of you."

Then I think about the lie I told her and the pain that it makes me feel. Life with Kyle, that isn't a lie, although sometimes I am so scared that I wish there was a way I could change it. Not because of Kyle, because of me. I see all the other girls with the guards that are older and I wonder if that is fake happiness or real happiness. Will I know the difference? How can you be sure of anything real with the way things are? Maybe I am jealous. I see the other young girls flirt with the guards and I know I can't be one of them. After all, I am only sixteen, barely, maybe this is too soon to marry. A queasy feeling assaults my stomach that makes it tie up in knots when a thought explodes into my head: I don't even know if Kyle is alive. I can't trust Mr. Kendell. What I need is to see Kyle in front of me. _Even if they make me marry him now._

My mom stands up and walks out, her face showing everything my outburst cost her, and all I can think about is _Good for me. I hurt her_. She needs to feel some of my pain. As the door closes, I turn to my pillow crying until exhaustion sets in and my eyes are slowly shut.

* * * *

The next morning when I wake I pull my school uniform on, running my fingers briefly through the knots in my hair and then clipping it up. I go straight to the front door and leave. No breakfast, no talking, and no plans of talking. Running to the bus pickup area, I make sure my mom does not attempt any contact with me. But under my tough facade, I secretly wish my mom would try to apologize or hug me; anything is better than this feeling I have.

But I can't be the one to cave in first; if I do that means I am in the wrong, and she is right; that isn't the case. This overwhelming feeling that my life was sold years ago consumes me. I don't know how to make it go away, and no matter what I do it eats away at me piece by piece.

* * * *

Finally, escaping from my class it is time to go to our meeting spot or so I thought it was time. Well to be honest, I am going even though it wasn't officially decided that we would have a meeting today. I haven't seen Toni all day which has me worried. I need her help with my mom. I think I should tell Toni my mom is possibly a traitor or a spy. Well, I didn't really tell Toni I needed to talk with her but if she isn't in class she must be in the supply closet. Wouldn't she be there?

Walking briskly down the hall to see, wait, I see our guard is not here. OH CRAP, what do I do? This hasn't happened before. _If this doesn't just top my life_. My breathing is increasing along with my pace; any faster and I will be running and that would draw a lot of attention to me. If I walk into the bathroom in a few minutes, maybe I could go back to class, or maybe that is a really bad idea. I am going to get caught. I'm standing on the toilet, crouching down holding my knees and trying to think of a way out of my choices. _Stupid, stupid me, this is why you are supposed to wait until you are summoned to go._ Could I stay here until the end of the day? Doubtful. I have to think. That is usually Toni's job; she is the thinker and the voice of reason.

The voice of reason that I need to speak with. How do I bring it up? _"I know you guys for some stupid reason think I am special, but my mom is a spy."_ Or _"My mom blabs everything to the scariest person in the world; who knows who else she tells."_ I don't like either one of those options. There must be a better way to say, " _My mom could be the Rebels' downfall._ " With those thoughts I feel a twist in my stomach.

Jumping back to the ground, I am still debating if I should walk back to the class. I am hoping a guard doesn't stop me. I'll be good. If he stops me can I convince him I was in the bathroom going to pee? Maybe it will work? How would they know the difference? What if they check? But, how would they? Then again, I don't have any type of pass.

I walk out of the bathroom, letting my eyes drift to where our guard stands. He's there. My body wants to collapse. My adrenaline rush is for nothing. I walk up and smile at him. He does the same as always; he stares at nothing over my head. Friendly is not his forte, but I guess we have an unsaid understanding.

"Damn cute does not mean you get to be damn rude," I whisper as I walk by, to myself.

"I heard that." I turn my head towards Remington, about to melt under his razor sharp-glare.

"So...it's true," I say sneering as I speak to him. Maybe my anger is misplaced, the anger that I feel for my mom, but I don't care.

"I am not rude, and if I wanted to talk, I would, but I am not Aaron, princess."

I feel like I was just punched, but I still have this problem of things coming out of my mouth to make me feel better. "There is no comparison between Aaron and you. You are just a jerk. And don't call me princess."

"Fine, this jerk is telling you to get your ass inside that door before you get us all killed. Princess." His stare is hard to take. I feel a lump growing in my throat. I'm shaking as I turn and open the door.

Hearing footsteps behind me I quickly swing the door open and try to close the door to our supply closet, but someone stops it. Looking behind me, it's Remington. Looking in front of me, no one is there.

I hear the door close and look up to Remington. He clears his throat. "I know Toni told you about this before; a guard named Garrett Harding has been hanging around." Slowly, I nod to him.

"I also know she told you that if you were not notified to come here then don't." Remington glares as he continues, "She had to leave." My heart stops. There is a strange buzzing in my ears.

When I look up at him again, he slowly puts his hand on my shoulder. "Don't look like that. She's okay, just had to leave sooner than was planned, along with her parents." He must actually be concerned about me. "Really, she is alright. She is already at our camp."

"But, I...I didn't even say goodbye."

"We didn't have time; she had to go." Slowly, I nod to him. I know what he is saying but it doesn't make the hollow feeling go away.

"Where were you when I first got here? You were gone?"

"Cleaning up, had to make sure nothing in here could lead them to you," he replies, stepping closer to me. "You have to be very careful. Trust no one." Again, all I do is nod. "Now we are going to have to get you out of here when the bell rings. Don't come back here again, ever."

His back is to me while he looks out the door. "Sorry..." I begin to say but he is out the door before I say anything else.
Chapter 10

From the time I was born until now I have never been allowed to dream.
I walk down the hall from my last class going to old smelly supply closet. I know what I was told, not to, and I know Toni won't be there, but I need to think. I hear my footsteps echo down the empty hall just as it should be. As I maneuver closer to the steps that lead to the supply closet I see our guard Remington look at me then to the bathroom. His eyes are dancing back and forth between the two places. What's with him? I pause for only seconds at best....

" **Stop! Right there! Where are you going?** " What seems like simple words cause me to shake all over uncontrollably. My eyes glance over to Remington our guard, pleading with him. _Help me._

"She is going to the restroom. I already checked her." I mouth the word thank you to the guard, or I should say to our guard. Wow, he has a deep scary voice when he wants to, but the unfriendly guy that is our lookout just saved my life.

"Three minutes, she has three minutes to piss and be out. If she is not out by then, you go in and drag her out. I don't care if she has her pants on or not, you drag her out by her hair, three minutes that's it." This guard is stabbing his finger at Remington as he barks. There is no doubt in my mind that if he stays, I will face a horrible beating if not worse.

My steps quicken, taking the largest ones I can to duck behind the bathroom wall, pushing myself up against it and listening. The other guard's footsteps start down the hall past the bathroom door. _Thank God._ He stops. _Shit! Please go, please go._ The volume seems to be turned up in my ears, they are especially tuned into my too fast breathing; I must slow down. I can't leave... I'm trapped.

My heart is beating so hard. Between my own breaths and my heart too loudly beating, the other sound is muffled. I hope no one else can hear me; I seem to echo in this room. Steady, I just need to slow down and steady myself against this wall.

"You make sure she is out," reverberates in the hall. His footsteps are fading at a snail's pace; they are softening until they are gone completely. I lean here motionless.

As I walk out of the bathroom to Remington, he says, "Are you alright? You are shaking, princess." _He is human after all_.

"Yes, thank you for helping me out with the whole bathroom thing," and as much as I hate I continue, "I'm sorry for the other day. I was having a bad day and took it out on you." I state this as genuinely as I can. I can feel the heat in my cheeks. Could this day get any worse? Yes, I answer my question. Now I owe him.

"You sure you are okay? You still look a little freaked and it's okay, we all have bad days."

"He could have killed me; you would be freaked too," I whisper to him.

"Nah, I wouldn't let him kill you."

"I don't even really know you," I lie. I'm not sure why; it just seems like I should.

"What were you thinking coming here?" Ice could be warmer than his voice right now. Turning away from Remington, I walk down the steps to the supply closet.

"I just...I just wanted a place to think. I'm sorry." Who is this guy? I look back at him to see he is staring at absolutely nothing.

Walking into the closet I let myself fall to the floor. I don't know why I'm here. How could I be so careless? I almost was caught. But I had to be in here, I had to be. I feel safer in here than my home. I'm not sure how it has come to this?

Tap, Tap, Tap, I jump, then a pause, then two more, pause, and another three. What is going on? Why is the guard telling me it's safe. Before I can think the door is opening and Remington, our guard, steps in stretching out his hand to me.

As I get up he is actually looking at me with his beautiful dark blue eyes and says, "I'm sorry I was so hard on you."

"No, I deserve it. I'm sorry. I shouldn't be here, you are right."

"I know it is not easy for you. But you can't come here anymore, the girls have gone to med tech school and Toni has left."

"I know that."

"I'm here to protect you; that is the only reason I'm here, but you have to help me with that. Don't do anything careless, don't talk to anyone other than me and only if you have to."

"But why do you protect me?" When I finish my question, he lets out a sigh.

"Because it is my job; now I'm going to slide out that door and let you know when you can get out. Please don't come here again."

"I know I get it. I am really sorry." Another sigh escapes him and just like that he is out of the closet while I stand here trying to keep my tears at bay. I feel lonely and abandoned, like a lost puppy.

Toni's words come back to me. "We can't put the guards we have in danger. I won't risk them to come and get you. Things work well for us getting the information we need. Each and every one in the resistance, they all have important jobs. To put it in plain English we need our spies not to be used as chaperones, so you don't get one." But I remember her other words saying that Remington will start training me soon. I wonder if that is what he really wants to do?

More words from Toni come back to me "...Mr. Kendell, he is a very dangerous man. Are you sure Kyle is on your side?" and my answer to her.

"Kyle is always on my side, always." Kyle, the one who is nowhere to be found, are you still on my side?

Warning bells are ringing; all the classes are letting out. I hear the knocks from Remington. He is probably wondering why I have not come out, so he can blend me into the crowd. My mind is racing. As nice as the guard was today and all the times I talk about how cute he is, he isn't Kyle and I want Kyle, now.

As I pass Remington I hear, "It's all going to work. Believe in yourself." I give a slight nod as he pushes me into the crowded hallway. 
Chapter 11

When you get backed into a corner there is a good chance you will come out swinging, especially when you are one of the many with   
nothing to lose. I am one of the ones with nothing  
else to lose. They have made me this way.
My last meeting with Toni was over a week ago. She left, but not by her choice, but I haven't seen her since. _I knew this was coming for Toni's disappearance. I have questions but no answers. How did they connect Toni and me?_ But, Mr. Kendell is over while the guards are questioning me. _It's him. Mr. Kendell told them, but I never said her name to him or to anyone. Are they watching me that close? I mean I knew there was a possibility, but I dismissed it._ Mr. Kendell is making me sit here on one of our wooden kitchen chairs and answer all the guard's questions truthfully _(I bite my lip and lie)_. And Mr. Kendell does nothing while the guards shred my home. I watch my mom as her shoulders tense each time they dump a drawer upside down. I plead with my eyes to her not to say anything.

The guard with the bald tattooed head and goatee is here ordering other guards to break everything. My mom and I watch helplessly as our home is destroyed. Tables overturned, shelves dumped on the floor along with all the contents of drawers. Mr. Kendell is continuing a rant about showing the guards respect even if we don't like them. _Hmm I don't think I can do that and now my mom will see he is not on our side._

* * * *

I am happy Toni is safe or away from this kind of life. Toni's face is one of the hundreds on a wanted list they show on the television twice a week. They also have her own posters at the allotting centers and schools. That means they are still looking for her, so they have not found her and that gives me hope for the Rebels. When I leave, I will be on that list of wanted people and twice a week I will be posted along with a reward of goods below my name. There will be a request for anyone with any information to notify a guard immediately.

* * * *

"I am sorry, Riley, we have not been getting along. I know it is hard. I just..." Mom is choking up. When I look at her any moment her tears are going to fall. There is swirling in my stomach and pain in my chest.

"I thought...I knew this is right. It's something your dad and I planned. We didn't ask you; we should have asked you." She is mumbling, lowering her voice to barely audible. "We were young and idealistic. I worry about you, and I might not always be around for you. But, Mr. Kendell and I were talking; he said you must go to the Rebel camp. There isn't a choice. If something were to happen to me, or you being able to get to the camp on your own, Mr. Kendell plans on getting you there. You just have to tell him where it is." _Why does she always talk to that man? Toni's words come back to me: "He is a very dangerous man." He just watched the guards tear our house apart and did nothing, but to be honest now that my anger has passed about the guards being in my house, could Mr. Kendell really have stopped them? It would have been suicide to try."_

She is pulling me into a hug. "Strength comes from within, Riley. Your strength will help you make the right decisions. Just the thought of your picture on the television..." A tear slides down her cheek, and she pauses trying to collect her thoughts. "Riley, I love you. Your dad loved you. Just so you know Mr. Kendell plans on taking care of me after you leave, keeping me hidden may even get me a black-market new ID. He talked about those before to me."

"You talk to Mr. Kendell about this?" _Apparently out of everything she said this is the only thing I can tune into._

Taking a deep breath, I stomp my foot and resume my tantrum that I started with my previous sentence. "We aren't supposed to talk to anyone...not anyone!" I am trying not to raise my voice and be tougher than I really am. "...And, and I know he's your friend for some God-awful mis-judgment on your part, but he is dangerous." _And apparently, I am stupid too._ I just sank our talk to the depths of Hell with the force of a fly being squashed by a swatter.

"That's not true, Riley. You cannot find a better man still working as a doctor helping everyone. If you would stop being so stand offish to him, you would find he would help." A gentle smile comes across her face then quickly fades.

"Mr. Kendell is your future father-in-law. Why wouldn't I talk with him about your future?"

"God, Mom! You aren't supposed to talk to anyone! How could you do that? Or is it some stupid crush you have or something. Oh, and there is a guard at school that I like. He's cute and he likes me too." _What a lie and again not the brightest thing to say._

"Do you really want to start this? **You are with Kyle in Mr. Kendell's family, like it or not! The choice is already made."** Taking a breath to compose herself, she verbally assaults me with, "He will be your father." I cringe. _How can she say that?_

"In-law, my father-in-law. I have to marry Kyle but Mr. Kendell will never be my father. God, Mom, stop!" I stomp my feet on the floor and gasp. "I can't believe you." Walking off to the bathroom then slamming the door shut I lean over the sink and stare in the mirror.

Seeing my reflection, I can only ask myself on thing. "Who am I? Who is the girl standing here?"

Leaving the bathroom and sitting back on the chair in the living room, I look up at my mother and mumble, "I'm sorry. It's been so long since I talked with Kyle or I have seen him; I feel empty. I feel mad......no, it isn't mad. I am angry. It isn't right to take it out on you. There isn't anything wrong with you and Mr. Kendell." She nods to me with a small smile. _I just lied again. When will it end?_

"Don't forget there is nothing you can't do."

"Mom, I got it." I am rolling my eyes at her trying to get her to stop talking but she is not taking the hint.

"Things are going to change. People will die, people you know and people you love. I won't always be here. Are you ready?"

"I'm ready, promise. I will do what has to be done, people I care about will die, end of story." _I have been taught this since I can remember, same thing stated different ways._ Somehow, I still shudder at the thought of killing someone.

"Kyle will take care of you." I sit and stare into nothingness not returning her hug that she feels a biological need to give me.

"Mom, do you mind if I go to my room for a while? There are some things I want to think about." _Think time, who am I kidding; I just want away from her._

Walking into the room I shut the door and lean against it. Thoughts of everything I have lost with my mom come racing through my mind. She is, no she was my best friend, but I can't keep living like this all the time. I feel, I feel as if I'm on a wire and besides, that is why I go to school, for the drama. I watch girls getting ripped away from their friends all the time because a guard says they broke a law. Those girls get packed up and sent to the work farms and watching that is enough drama. I must go to school, so I don't draw any attention to myself, but I absolutely can't end up in a work camp. _Oh, and let's just clear this up right now, it is not so I can learn my place or my manners like Mr. Kendell would have people believe._ I need my home to be drama free.

Although I knew I am predestined to do this since well probably birth, I never thought it would feel so lonely. Lying down, I stare at a ceiling fan that isn't working and hasn't worked since I was seven as the guilt is turning around in my head. Thinking back to what Toni mentioned, "Maybe you mom is afraid, or she doesn't understand." _I really miss our meetings in the supply closet._ I should go and apologize to her again. I toss the idea around some more. The thought is being chased back and forth in my mind, pinging on the edges. Yep, that is what I should do. So I get up, set the alarm, turn the light off, and go to sleep instead of apologizing to my mom again. I can talk with her in the morning.

* * * *

In the morning I get up to find my mom in the kitchen waiting for me. "Did you have a nice sleep?" Slowly I nod as I wonder what happened to my mom. What made her change from the strong person she was to who she is now? She seems so scared now and when I was younger I always thought of her as fearless. My mom was a rock. She took on everyone's needs when the ground shook; everyone loved her and was in awe of her. Now, she talks about her fears of losing me and she runs to Mr. Kendell with everything. How come I didn't see this coming?

Smiling softly to me she continues. "Now remember, no talking to anyone other than just pleasantries." _She needs to follow that advice._

"I know, Mom, don't tell anyone anything. Got it. That one is checked..." I motion my hand in the air like a checkmark. "We are good on that." With thumbs up in the air and a cheesy smile I nod to her. An exaggerated sigh comes out of me.

"I need to go; I'll talk with you tonight, Mom." Peace out and out the door I am running to the bus pickup for another long day at school.

Time is crawling in school. I hate it. While changing classes I pass by our old hangout the closet entrance; the guard Remington is there, and he is shaking his head at me as if I have forgotten already, so I nod back. My new Homestead instructor is here. He's strict with a military style about him, and I actually have to work for last class. This guy is definitely on Pratt's side; if he wasn't so tall you could probably call him Mr. Pratt's "mini-me".

* * * *

Tired, I step off the bus and walk down the hill to my house as a jeep passes, then another and another. Only a few people are allowed to drive, and with those jeeps painted the way they are...it's the guards. _This isn't right, not here, not now._ Tension is mounting in my chest and it feels hollow as I break into a jog. I see they are gathering around my home, four jeeps in total. As I enter, I see the door frame has been broken at the lock and is gaping open.

"Mom!" is screeching from me in a way I have never heard before. Guards are everywhere. _What the hell?_ There is a smear of black fatigue blurring in my eyes.

I am hearing voices shouting in all directions, most of them resembling an animal barking and grunting. Nothing I can comprehend, it all seems like a muffle of indistinct sounds. I'm sure they are orders of some sort, possibly directed at me but I can't tell what they are saying.

Mom is being pulled along the floor by her hair. She has her hands above her head trying to grab the guard's arms. I see her feet kicking along the floor. She screams then looking at me she stops. Her face is puffy with tears streaked across her cheeks.

"Stop it!" My voice cracks. " **Let go of her, leave her alone!** " I run her direction as fast as my legs can carry me not feeling the floor under me. Tears are flowing freely down my face. My body comes to a screeching halt as my arms get yanked behind me. I throw myself to the right then back to the left and drop myself to my knees. I twist some more, and the hands won't loosen that are holding me but latch on tighter.

"Just relax." That's a familiar voice...but.... My ears are ringing so loudly it's hard to recognize. I think it might be the guard that was at our school the one Remington saved me from while I hid in the bathroom. No, that isn't it. It is someone closer to me. _Kyle's dad, no way._ As I am trying to spin around and look, his fingers start cutting into my arms they are being held so tight.

"Fuck you." Those words have never come out of my mouth, and there they are. "Let go of me! Let go of her!" I spit out words between sobs.

A voice booms out across the commotion. " **Abigail Staggs, you are guilty of conspiring against the government**." What? They must have the wrong person. _It's me they want._ " **You will no longer be able to live your life here. You are now in custody, and a commanding officer will decide your fate. In all likelihood, you will be extinguished to prevent others from following in your footsteps**."

"That's not true!" I am yelling until my voice cracks. My mom is mouthing one word to me: "No." I try throwing myself forward but my legs aren't working, and I fall towards the floor. Before I hit it the guard holding me jerks me back up on my feet.

"Stop it or they will take you too. I have plans for you and you don't want to go with them. Just stop." _Who is this guy?_ It's like my brain has stopped and I can't tell what is happening; all my focus is on what is unfolding in front of me, my mom. I'm in a long tunnel and she is at the end of it.

" **Fuck you.** " Again, those words come out of my mouth. Heaved out like poison as my mind desperately gasps.

"Act right, you little shit, or we take you too. How would you like that man...." he says, reaching over my shoulder grabbing my chin and forcing me to look at the man with the goatee... "to decide what we did with you? What would Kyle do then?" I freeze for a second. I know this person, oh too well.

Words are starting to sound like I am underwater. Their voices indistinct to me, no highs anymore, no lows and nothing can be made out. "I'm sorry, Mom, I'm sorry. I love..." She is gone. I didn't even get to tell her I love her. She's gone. I feel the guard's arm tightening around me. I can't breathe. I am going to pass out.

"Relax, just relax." _This isn't good._ He keeps holding me up, keeping my arms behind my back. I feel a tiny prick in my left arm. _This really isn't good._

"Really, then why...did...y...." My mouth can't form letters that are in my head. _This is bad, this is really bad._ I try to look at him. I can't. There are blurry things moving. I see black spots coming in from the corners of my eyes until they are no longer spots. My vision, I think my eyes are open still, I'm telling my eyes to open, but I can't see anymore, what's worse is I can't hear anymore. No more fighting, I just want to stay like this, it's peaceful.
Chapter 12

Judging people too soon, too harshly can close doors abruptly.
At first my eyes can't open, and I feel something wet on my forehead. However, after awhile my eyes blink a few times. My insides feel like the ash after a forest fire. I feel more water and my eyes blink more rapidly but I...can't see that well and it feels as if I have weights that are keeping pressure over my entire body. There is this searing pain grabbing my skull from the inside.

Black silhouettes appear like ghosts standing in a cemetery. Slowly my vision is clearing but my mind is playing tricks on me. Flight or fight, and since flight is definitely out of the question, I guess fight it is. While my mind is trying to will my arms to move, I blink hard, and then blink again as my vision clears a little and I swear it's the back of Toni's head. I try to swing but nothing moves. _So much for fight._ This isn't real. She's been gone... over six months ago, a lifetime.

In the corner of my vision another figure appears; by the shape of it Remington is here – our guard, and he is pacing rapidly behind Toni. _My arms may not be moving but I can wiggle my foot. I must move. I want to move. And why is he here?_

"It's not safe for her here anymore or you to be back here." His whispers echo beating like a sledge hammer in my head.

"It isn't safe for her anywhere right now. She has to stay." _Do they really think I can't hear them? Must not be dead cause one, I hurt all over and two, I hear them and three, I'm doing stupid things in my mind like counting reasons I am not dead._

"As soon as I can get her out of here, don't you think I will?" Tony's voice is low, but it still bounces around in my pounding head. "With the attacks on the other camps, how long do you think it will be before our camp is attacked? I can't risk it; she has to stay. She's too important and you have to protect her."

"Don't you think I know that? I feel guilty as hell, but I can't be with her all the time. She will be killed if she stays." Remington's sounds come out forceful and loud, really loud.

"Why not?"

"What?" he growls.

"Why can't you be here all of the time?" Again, _I'm right here, talk to me...not dead yet._

"You know, and I know I can't blow my cover at the school. We have a leak and I'm going to find it for her sake. Girls talk about what the guards tell them." _It's called gossip, Remington. We are girls... that's what we do._ "Here..." He is waving his arms. "Here she is out in the open. She is a sitting duck in her house or at school. She might as well wear a target. This isn't any good."

Toni retorts, "Obviously, we have problems at the camp also or we wouldn't be having so many attacks. We must find our leak too. She stays. Don't forget our job is to protect her. Intel is second; she is priority. And if I didn't know any better I'd say you have feelings for her."

"She's important to the rebellion, with who her father was."

"Not buying it, Remington."

There is a fog in my brain that is making it hard to form words but it is understanding completely what they are talking about: me.

"Wh...what happened?" I whisper. I'm sure I really said it because Remington spins back to look at Toni when he hears me whisper.

"You have been out cold since yesterday. The guards that were here gave you something, and we're lucky it didn't kill you. They left you lying on the floor with your front door wide open. I have been trying to wake you up for hours." Toni runs her fingers through my hair; her words are softer when she speaks, and her eyes soften so I can see my pain reflecting in them. "You have been vomiting pretty consistently; I was hoping whatever it was would get out of your system sooner." Her expression tells me not to ask. "We have a trash can over there if you need it." _That's just gross._

My thoughts keep telling me it is bad, and it really happened. _Sounds like my thoughts are stuck in that loop._ My body is trembling, and I seem to have very little control over it. I have to sit up; I can't just lie here. Pictures of what happened come flooding back to me in flashes. I am trying to swing my legs off the couch. I have to find out; if they tell me I won't believe them. Remington shakes his head placing his hand out to stop my legs. _He needs to get out of my flippin' way._

"Don't do that yet." His hand is now holding my legs against the couch. Then his eyebrows pull together as he whispers, "Please, don't get up; it will make you sick, again." His eyes are now laced with worry. I see sadness in them.

With my little movement, I can feel my stomach flip, and I start to gag. Between Remington and Toni, that trash can is beside me within seconds of the first dry heave. I lean over and retch. Toni is holding my hair while this goes on for a few minutes. It pounds my head with each hurl. Disgusted with myself, I try swallowing anything that is still on its way up back down. _Not working._

"Hey baby girl, ..." Toni whispers to me, "don't try to get up right now; you will feel worse." _I get it._ I nod to her and ease my legs. But it isn't possible to feel worse than I do now. The pain inside of me is threatening to crush me or even worse. I have to ask; I have to know.

"Toni?" She nods to me. "My mom, Toni?" Her arms come gently around me, hugging me. Toni doesn't let go, but she doesn't say anything either. She doesn't have to. _If they took her she's dead._

After a few minutes, the silence is shattered by the apology I did not want to hear. "I am so, so sorry, Riley. Remington went all night like a mad man to get to me when he found out," she murmurs in my ear while her arms encase me.

"They should have me, not her. I'll offer them a trade. They'll do it, and thank you, Remington."

She shakes her head "no" as she pulls me tighter. The tears begin to fall, hard and fast. Sobs ring out, I feel Toni is anchoring me, so I don't get lost.

Remington is looking out the window then clears his throat. "No, it shouldn't be you. Don't say that, and it shouldn't be anyone." His words are sharp, and his head doesn't turn as he responds to me. His words cut into me like a knife. "We are all like animals waiting to be picked off."

"Remington, why don't you go and get some rest. I have this; I want to stay with her." He nods to Toni then glances my direction. His shoulders are slumping as he leaves then almost too soft to hear he says, "I'm sorry," then walks out my door.

* * * *

As I lie here not much has changed; my head is pounding, and my body aches. There must be a medical term for when your stomach is inside out, and nothing could be left in it.

"Take it easy, girl; hopefully whatever they gave you is almost out of your system."

"I don't see how anything can be in my system," I whisper.

* * * *

Several hours have passed. While I lie here every time I try to say something only tears come out. Toni sits beside me holding my hand, and I become aware of a slight knocking on my door. Toni and I stare at each other as both of our hearts begin racing. Her eyes are wide and I see the slight shaking in her hands. She can't open the door; I must. Being wanted by our government, Toni ducks into the kitchen around the corner as I slowly shuffle my feet towards the door.

In a scratchy broken voice, I try to bark, "Who is it?" But, it really sounds like a boy going through puberty. Grabbing each side of my head, I continue... "And what do you want?"

"It's Remington; I can't stay out here, hurry up." His voice is scary, fierce and hurried. _Rush..._

My hands are wrapping around the knob fighting to get it open. Giving it one last final tug, I hear the crunching as I send the knob into the wall. He walks past me mumbling to make sure I lock it since he fixed the door frame from the guards breaking it yesterday. _Hmm, guess he did that while they were waiting for me to wake up. Note to self, thank Remington._

"She's in the kitchen," I manage to get out.

"Toni, the patrol is double out here tonight. I need to know what you are going to do. They are expecting you to be around." She needs to leave, I get that, but...I want her to stay.

"I'm staying, Remington." He backs away with his eyebrows up staring at Toni.

Slowly, I walk to the kitchen doorway and lean on its paint peeling frame.

"No, Toni, that is a terrible idea. I want to help her too, but you are wanted. They aren't messing around, Toni. I'll stay; they will kill you." _Hello, standing right here._

"I'll be fine, little brother." She waves off Remington's concerns. _What was that about? Brother? I must have heard her wrong. It can't be._ Pulling her shirt back, she reveals the pistol she has tucked inside her belt.

Toni takes a deep breath and continues, "She is my sister. I mean I love her just like she was; I belong here."

"You are a fugitive, and Riley understands." _Again, I want to light a neon sign saying, "right here."_

Shrugging my shoulders, I know he is right, and she shouldn't stay; hell, he shouldn't stay either. Toni walks to me and while squeezing my fingers blurts out, "I'm not leaving her tonight, Remington, and I will shoot anyone I have to!" He is looking at Toni then gazes at me. _But I do need her here._

"Remington, dear, dear brother..." I glance up as she walks over, stretches up and puts her arm around his shoulders. _There is no mistaking it; Toni called him brother._ "I know you are worried about me, but I'll be alright. Now go." Taking her hands down from his shoulders, she shoos in front of him like you would to get a dog away.

"I will see you soon, Remington; I will be fine. Love you, baby brother." She is hugging him.

My eyes are big, and it is my turn to stare from her to him. Holy crap, I kinda thought they were related once I was over the "they have a thing" thing. But wow, a lot alike, not the same but close...

I feel a hand on my shoulder to find Toni back next to me. "I'm sorry you didn't know; Remington and I are twins. Not identical, of course. I assumed everyone knew." I nod to her. I knew enough.

"Oh, and I was born first, so he is my baby brother." Toni smirks while she brags. _I am soooo ehh there are not even words._

Remington walks over, sliding his arm around my shoulders and giving me a hug, and softly he whispers in my ear, "I'm sorry, Riley, about your mom. I'm going to get some rest. I will protect you, Riley, I swear. That is why I am here." _Those words again, when I ask what they mean everyone evades them._ Then he leaves before I can tell him thank you again.

Toni sits on the couch with her left leg folded under her. She turns to face me. "In the early morning I will have to leave. I imagine Aaron will be waiting in the tree line for me. You are going to love him as much as I do when you get to know him." She gives my knee a gentle pat.

Quietly Toni asks, "You remember the opening to the trail I showed you?"

"Yes, but Aaron?"

"Aaron, the guard you first met." _I knew it!_ "Let's get back to the trail."

"Yes, it isn't too far from where Kyle and I would rummage houses. You have an old rusty car hood lying on the ground, halfway buried pointing the direction to start walking." She smiles nodding; almost beaming at me like a proud parent whose child took their first steps.

"I don't know how long it will take before I can send for you. But I will send for you. Things are very bad right now everywhere. We are taking in refugees from other camps that were destroyed. We lost about one hundred people so far." She hugs me again.

"Riley, why don't you go lie in your bed. I find you something to eat."

"I don't think I can eat..." Looking at Toni, I see her eyes are sad; she nods with understanding and puts her arm around my shoulders while we walk to my room.

"Toni, will you lie here with me?" All of a sudden, I sound like my five-year-old self. She lies down with me and wraps her arm back around me as I sob uncontrollably.

In the morning, I get up with Toni by my side. Neither one of us slept. My hair is greasy, and my clothes aren't smelling the best or maybe it's me, but she doesn't complain. Each step echoes in my head as I walk her to the door.

"Not the front door! Come back to my bedroom," I whimper to her. Toni's head swings from the door to me and back again as she stops dead.

"Riley, I have to leave now. Aaron will be waiting and getting caught would be really bad." Her eyes are staring at nothing; she is lost somewhere else in thoughts. I can tell she is debating whether she should say what she is thinking. I am feeling my fingers being squeezed as she continues.

"You have to fight to be strong now, sis, no matter how hard it is. Go to school, do the garden, but most of all, Riley, you need to act like nothing has happened." She pulls me in for a hug, then whispers in my ear, "Can you do that?" I can't lie and say yes; that would be wrong, so I shrug my shoulders instead.

"I really have to go. Please, please be careful. Stay strong in front of people." Toni hesitates but slowly starts moving again to the front door.

"They'll see you; I can't lose you too. I won't," I say to her, grabbing her arm tight and walking her back to my room. She doesn't talk; she stares at me while I slide my window up and point to the crate that is below it. "Kyle used to sneak me out when we were little." She has a devious grin as she examines the crate below.

She gives me another hug. "We'll all be together soon, love you." She drops out of my window and before I know it she is gone, out of sight.

* * * *

Not too long after Toni leaves, there is another knock on the door. Ignoring it, I stay sitting on the floor with my arms tightly wrapped around my knees; this is all I can do. The knocks take a turn into ugly pounding. I know it isn't the guards; they would be kicking in my door already. The frame is only pieced together since the kick in. Dragging myself off of the floor, I say a few choice words as I walk through the great room. Maybe it's Kyle. I suck in a deep breath and swing the door open, then let out a large sigh. The last person I expect to see at my door: Remington. He is not in uniform but in tight black jeans that have faded in the front and a tight black t-shirt that is tucked in.

I stand looking at Remington. He doesn't need to talk; you can see everything in his eyes. "Sorry to disappoint you. I caught up with Toni in the woods and she is worried about you. Well okay, really I am worried about you." He looks up at me. "She thought I should stop by. How are you doing? Never mind, that is a dumb question." I know he knows how it feels to lose someone you love.

"Why did you say 'sorry to disappoint me?'"

"Because of the large sigh and your expression."

"No, I'm not disappointed at all. I'm surprised."

"You should try to get some rest." He is stating the obvious.

"You didn't disappoint me at all, and I can't sleep."

"I'll stay for a while. I'm off tomorrow." His voice is soft but I know why he is doing this, only at Toni his sister's request for him to stay with me.

Taking a deep breath, I call him out. "You are only doing this because Toni told you to. I heard you guys talking yesterday. She wants you to babysit me. You don't have to; it's not fair to you." His eyebrows draw together as he listens to me. Deep down I don't want him to leave. I'm scared of being by myself in here. I won't ever be able to be here alone, at least that is what I am telling myself now.

"You are wrong. I'm offering not because I should babysit you but because you could use someone to be with you and I want to do that for you." All this crying must have me imagining things, or I should be feeling really bad for calling him the names I have at school in the past. Stubborn as I am, I should say to him "that is just what I need." Instead I'm shrugging my shoulders to him while he pushes past me turning on a light.

He makes me some rice to eat and I try to get some down, not because I'm hungry but because I don't want to offend him. But I can't do it. Clearing his throat, he begins, "Do you want to go to sleep now in your room?" All I am doing is staring at him. "Not...no...geez, not me with you, you by yourself, I will take the couch."

Before I realized it, my head was already shaking. "I can't do that; I don't want to be alone in there."

"Okay, it's settled..." _I have no idea what he is talking about..._ "I will not take 'no' for an answer; lie here on the couch." Reluctantly, I lie on the couch; he covers me with my old tattered blanket. I drift into a restless sleep.

Later, I suddenly throw myself up in a sitting position, I feel my heart race then seeing Remington sitting in the chair. _That was bad really bad; I don't want to sleep._

"What, what happened?" Remington asks. "Did you have a bad dream?" My tears are pouring down my face while I try to find my words. "Can you tell me?" Moving closer, he is kneeling beside the couch looking at me.

"I heard it, I saw it, I saw it all over again...all of it, the voices, the screams." Before I finish my sentence, Remington is sitting on the edge of the couch pulling me into his chest.

"I won't lie to you and tell you it is going to get better, but I will tell you it will eventually be different. The pain will become a different pain, one that you will learn to manage in a different way and store it in a different place," he whispers to me.

"How do you know I'm strong enough to get past this? Because, I don't think I can, Remington. Not now, not ever, it hurts so bad."

"Well for one thing, I did." My heart hurts a little more for Remington and Toni. They never say much about their brother that was taken in front of them not too long before I met his sister.

My head is still tight against Remington's chest while I listen to the rhythm of his heart. He runs his finger slowly through my hair. Feeling the fear of the dream slowly release me, I lie back down while he pulls the chair next to the couch. Feeling his fingers playing with my hair I feel the weight of my eyelids as they shut.

* * * *

Waking up I feel someone lying next to me. I don't remember this, any of it, so I try not to totally freak. Why is someone holding me on my couch? I try to get my surroundings in check.

There is a fog that is lifting as I remember Remington was here last night. In a panic I try to lift the arm that is holding me against his body.

"Settle down, Riley, it's me." He squeezes me next to him a little tighter. "Ssshh, you don't remember last night, do you?" Oh no... what stupid thing have I done? I shake my head furiously.

"It's okay, settle down, and I will let my arm go." I try to relax, letting out a long sigh and as soon as he releases his arm I sit up like a shot. _Whoa room is spinning a little. Did I drink or something?_

"You were having nightmares; the first time you woke up we talked." I remember that. "So, when you started screaming again and throwing your arms, I climbed behind you and held you. That's all."

I stare blankly at him, not really sure why he did this. I whisper, "Thank you," then turn away while mumbling, "I didn't mean to be so much trouble."

Before the words leave my mouth, Remington is grabbing my arm, turning me to face him. "Don't say that. Don't ever say that." Then sitting up he continues. "I have to go and grab some things. When I come back I want to show you something." I nod as I watch him pick up his gun from beside the couch and continue walking out the door.

* * * *

An hour goes by and true to his word Remington is back. Softly he says, "What I really want to do is show you what is real. You should know; maybe you'll understand a little more about why we need to fight." Shrugging my shoulders, before I know it he is walking me out of my house and shutting the door behind us. It is your typical late summer day here, beyond hot, sticky, with no clouds to get a break from the sun.

While Remington is walking me to his jeep he says quietly like a confession, "I don't know why it happened? No one in my network knows anything about your mom. It was kept secret. Something is wrong; we should have some knowledge of something this big happening to someone like you. Be careful. It doesn't make sense they left you. Don't get me wrong; I'm glad they did. But I still have a bad feeling as to why you were left." This is the first conversation about my mom where I don't break down in tears; maybe I'm all out of them.

Remington reiterates something that I didn't expect. "I'm worried about you." His expression is grim; his eyes are sunken with brown shadows around them. He's exhausted. It isn't just the look from missing one night of sleep; this look grows from a lifetime of sleepless nights ageing him before his time.

As his hand gently slides under my elbow he helps me into his jeep, while I beat myself up for ever thinking he was a jerk, a dick, and a douche bag... I think that covers all the names I have called him, to myself of course, well except once in the hallway at school.

As we drive away from my home neither of us is speaking; it is an awkward silence that lies in the space between us. I am watching all of the destruction from the previous wars speed by my window. We must have been driving for about an hour. All the times I imagined speaking with him and now the words are lost; there doesn't seem to be a need to speak with him now. _Unless he could bring back my mom._

We turn off of the broken road into a field that seems to go on forever as the jeep lurches us back and forth for another thirty minutes. But, I must admit there is a part of me that is fascinated with this area. Well, since the day the ground shook I have only been around my home, to school and to the allotting centers. _With the exception of scavenging old homes with Kyle._ I try not to look absolutely fascinated while my mouth is wide open as the jeep comes to a stop. We park at the bottom of a hill not too far from a cedar tree line.

We sit for a moment. I am shaking a little not sure of what to expect. Turning to him I ask, "What are we doing?" _This is so weird_.

"Walk with me, please." My fingers scramble for the door lever and with all the gracefulness of an ox, I get out of the jeep as he walks around to open the door. He points to the top of the hill.

"That's where we are going." My legs feel as if they themselves have been dipped in the concrete that we see so many fragments of. Painfully I drag each foot with each agonizing step. The hill is not steep, but the grass covering it is tall and damp, making the walk twice as excruciating. In the middle of our climb, my eyes start to narrow on me. Black walls are creeping in from all sides of my vision. My body waves a few steps and I feel an arm beside me.

"Sorry, I wasn't thinking. I should have known you wouldn't be feeling well. When was the last time you ate _?" Last night when I had a few bites of the rice you cooked._ Shrugging my shoulder to him, I watch his lips purse at me. "Take my arm and lean on me."

"What?" I can feel my eyebrows raise, and my eyes squint at him.

"I said..."

"I know what you said, but I thought you hated me."

"Never said I hated you."

"But you never talk to me in school." Okay, I am whining... but at least it keeps me from thinking about reality.

"There was nothing to talk to you about." Those words could offend but he has done so much for me.

Stopping to glare at him, I see him smile at me. "Damn, Riley, I couldn't risk it. There were people in that supply closet; one of them was my sister. My job was...is...I am to protect you, not socialize with you _." Biting the inside of my cheek to keep tears from starting again._

We trudge through the tangle of weeds until we get near the top. Remington grumbles for me to get down as he roughly grabs my arm and pulls me towards the ground where he is. I am squatting, trying to inch my way over the crest of the hill wishing I could get a glimpse of what is on the other side.

While down here I might as well ask the question that plays over in my head since yesterday.

"Why?"

"You and my sister are in a tie at ambiguity. Why what?" he grumbles at me.

"You said your job was to protect me. Why?"

"Guess the easiest way to keep it short is, you were raised and taught one thing from the time you were little. Right?" I nod while I wonder where this is leading. "I was too. You were raised to help lead the Rebels. I was raised to take orders and not question them." I am staring blankly at him, my mind dull as I try to read something or anything into that.

"But who would order that."

"Someone much higher authority than my pay grade." _Talking about ambiguity. I'll just leave it for now._

As we look out over the area, there is something on the other side of the hill he wants me to see. I shoot straight up only to have his hand bring me right back down. Only this time I end up sitting on the ground surrounded by weeds. Remington quickly sits down beside me.

"Don't stand up again!" he scorns quietly. "They will shoot you if they see you." My body is quivering; I don't know what I just saw before being pulled back down.

"What is that? What happened here? Where are the people? I only saw a glimpse of patrols." My eyes burn, and my cheeks are red. I realize I don't really want to know why all those broken buildings look like crumbling headstones on the other side of this hill. Trembling I realize I am afraid of his answers.

Lying on our stomachs and looking over the hill again Remington begins to speak, "That...." he points in the direction of what we just witnessed. The broken concrete walls, buildings that are almost completely decimated. Piles of metal and concrete columns that I know once stood tall, now broken off like dried sticks underfoot. Bricks that once stood upright have long since turned to dust and blown away.

Staring at him I feel the tears gather in my eyes. He reaches for my hand. "This is when the ground shook at the end of The Second Transformation. All the large cities look like this, they imploded them and...."

Moving back in the direction we came so we can sit up I cut him off... "Where are the people? Where, Remington, where are they?" I hear my own voice getting louder; his hand that had just held mine briefly covers my mouth.

"They are dead. They killed them, genocide; they are buried here, buried alive." He is choking his words out like it is making his breath catch in pain. "It has to end."

"Why... why did you show me this?" I ask pleading my words to him, while trying to make some sense or timeline in my mind of what has happened here. My hands cover my face, pushing on my eyes trying to un-see what I just witnessed.

"Because you need to know; you need to know why you are who you are. Those guards down there, they are the ones guarding the girls who get sent to the work farm." His arms wrap me into him as my mouth falls open.

"I know you thought it was actually farms. They have to finish the clean up. This has been going almost ten years. Now we need to go back before we are caught."

Remington opens the door to his jeep and helps me in but he doesn't shut the door. He is standing there looking at me. "Sorry, I had to show you the mass slaughter that occurred." His eyes are searching mine as a tear slides down my cheek. Taking his thumb, he gently brushes it away.

Staring at the metal floor in the jeep, I work my courage up and whisper. "Is that where they took my mom, the work farms?" He doesn't have to say anything; I know she is dead. He is looking at me but not saying anything. The ride home is wordless between us while my tears silently fall.

* * * *

A week has passed since my mother was taken. Remington takes me to school and brings me home. I have found that Remington is a person of his word; when he says he is going to do something he does. I like that. I respect it.

Today, Remington does not take me straight home; instead, he drives for about forty-five minutes to a hidden small field. He does just exactly what he told me he was going to do. He starts my training whether I want him to or not.

While I'm in the field I protest, "I didn't know what you were going to do!" Remington had already filled me in that my old instructor Preston is with Toni at the Rebel camp. Makes me even more impatient to leave here and get there.

"And when it is real, do you think they are going to stop and tell you what they want to do? Shit, Riley, I'm going easy; this is just training." And apparently, that really wasn't a question as he shakes from laughing at me. He just knocked me on my ass and he is laughing. Then the laughing abruptly stops.

"This isn't martial arts style self-defense. The guards don't care how they fight; long as they win and when I say 'win,' I mean kill you. The only one to win is the only one alive. You just need to get them first."

My hand instantly goes to hold my hip that exploded with pain from the fall as I stand with the slight metallic taste of blood in my mouth, but I won't give in and give him the pleasure of my defeat.

"Shut up. Try it again!" I take a wide stance, waiting, favoring my side but daring him to take me down again. He stares at me and gives a little chuckle. The next thing I know his hand is out to help me up because I am flat on my back lying in the weeds.

"You suck..." I'm thankful he doesn't finish. "Every day after school we are coming here, and we are working cause, damn, you are going to get yourself killed! Hell, they wouldn't have to do anything; you would do it to yourself." Here, this beautiful place that is hidden by the trees, with Remington. The corners of his mouth turn up into a little smile. He thinks he is so good, just wait. _I'm going to wipe that smug smile off of his face, just not today, or tomorrow, or probably not this lifetime._

"I am so glad my physical pain can cause you so much joy." He nods but I already know the statement is true.

"Oh, but we aren't done yet so don't think you get to sit down," Remington says as he runs to the jeep pulling out a bow from the back.

"What is that for?" I watch as he grabs arrows and points to a tree. One after another he fires the arrows into the tree while he runs. _Seriously, who does that?_

"Now, your turn." I shake my head at Remington as he mutters to me. "Don't think just do." A shiver runs down me as he wraps his arms around me showing me how to hold the bow.

He whispers above my ear while his chest is pressed against my back, "Draw..." With that he helps me pull the string back. "Anchor..." He squares my shoulders and hips. "Aim, don't think about anything else just where you want to put that arrow." I picture it following his arrows from earlier right into the tree. "Now release!" he whispers, and I let the arrow fly.

I am squealing and jumping up and down. I think I might have even hit Remington, but I hit the tree!

"Congratulations, Riley, I didn't think you would hit the tree first one out. Let's see you do it again." _He is such a joy kill._ But, I do it three more times. They aren't in the middle or close together like he told me they were supposed to be, but they are in the tree. _I love bows._

"Okay, Riley, let's see what you can do with my gun." _Is he serious? He is serious._

"Remington, I think it has been a long day and I should go home. Besides we don't want anyone to hear it." I try my best to get out of it.

Much to my dismay he objects to my idea. "Riley, I just want to see if you are as good with a gun as you are with that bow. No one will hear us, see this thing." I nod. "It doesn't make it silent, but it does make it quieter. I'll be right here helping you just like with the bow."

I nod taking the gun. Just like the bow Remington shows me how to hold it, shows me how to aim and I shoot it. I shoot again and again, until there are no bullets left in the gun. Remington takes his gun back in silence and walks to the tree.

"Hell, Riley, not one of those shots hit this big ass tree." I can feel my face heat up.

"I told you I didn't want to shoot it. Can we go home, please?" I sulk as I speak.

Remington replies, "Sure let's get you home, but don't think you are getting out of learning how to shoot."

* * * *

Six months have gone by since my mom was taken from me. Fifteen years have gone by since my father was taken from me. My life gives new meaning to isolation. Kyle's parents moved seven months ago, and I don't think I can handle Kyle being gone much longer. It is conceivable he may never come back. Maybe those were just childish promises we had made, but they were the ones I hung to.

How could he leave me like this? Without as much as a goodbye or a reason for me to know why he doesn't come back to me. I have to work my courage up and ask, but first I have to decide if I want to hear. It could be bad, or it could be worse than that.

Funny, the first year I knew Remington I never bothered to really get to know him. Then my mother was taken six months ago, and it was in that pain that I really started seeing Remington. Now after a total of a year and a half I have decided he is a good person when you take off the arrogance and subtract the cockiness and his absolute dislike for me most of the time. _No matter what he says._ Well, saying I know him now is more than a stretch. He has taught me how to control myself. He has also taught me how to kill more efficiently and effectively.

When we're working together some days a total of ten sentences may pass between us. _And that ten sentences might be an exaggeration._ When he came over when my mother was taken I saw his kindness. I know he reminds me all the time protecting me is his job. _Whatever that means._

Breaking out of my brief reverie I hear from behind me, "Every one of the people living here, we risk everything including our own lives, so they can do better and it will always be that way."

When he says this, I remember how my mom used to take me to the window and say, "You have a responsibility to everyone, Riley. You may pay for it with your own life, so they can do better and it will always be that way." Now I must live it. 
Chapter 13

Don't ignore the signs! They have been there all along.
The evening is drawing near. The sky soon will have the edge of the clouds painted with vibrant oranges and reds feathered across the wide heavens. I look, I stare, and I do the same routine every night at this time. I always do, but don't be confused. I'm not sad not right now; this is my favorite time of the day. I keep my stare out the window as I watch the sun creep down with its display of mystical colors.

I start to think about the day and the sense of loneliness slowly snakes into the back of my mind. I know I need to stay away from thinking these thoughts because tears that would start as a stream, would turn into a river and end in a waterfall if I let them, but I can't...not about my loneliness.

I am agonizing over what I lost and regretting what I did or didn't say. More of what I didn't say. Thoughts of my mom and how she was dragged away turn my insides hollow when I think about not really saying goodbye to her. Even the last time I saw Kyle I should have said more to him.

This is how I live with this guilt day to day, week to week, and month to month, letting it eat at me from the inside.

* * * *

Today is going to be rough; my night was horrible. I allowed too many of the past shadows back into my thoughts and they crowded my dreams. If I can just hold on and get through my last class. Just a little longer, I've got to stay awake, stay alert and push through.

But, to be truly honest, for the past two years I have wondered if I am really supposed to be with Kyle. The turmoil does flip flops in my head, constantly. Sometimes thinking of Kyle makes it hard to sleep, along with the screams of my mother being dragged out of my home that also crowd my head.

Kyle has never written, never visited, and if I dwell on it, it cuts too deep. I used to ask if anyone had seen him, but I can't anymore. Things aren't as easy as they were when he left.

"MS. STAGGS!" Damnit. "It would benefit you to pay attention." I can't even swallow right now. Cotton has more moisture in it than my mouth does. My butt slowly slides its way down the seat; maybe I can become invisible.

"Ms. Staggs, you are not helping your case." My feet feel like they are in concrete, they don't move. "SIT UP, NOW! Get your shoulders back. No one wants to see a girl with her shoulders forward and rounded."

My mind drifts slowly back to him, Remington. I find myself writing his name as soon as the instructor goes back to his long rant of a lecture. The words being spoken slowly drift away from me.

"MS. STAGGS!" booms out across the space. My heart stops. It's just a matter of time before I fall. My moment of freeness fleets away into space. I stand frozen trying to remember to breathe. "Ms. Staggs, I will not put up with your reverie again. Am---I---Clear?" It is so clear but all I can do is a nod. Great. This instructor will never let me get by with just a nod.

"What, Ms. Staggs? Surely you can do better than that." Arrogance in his words. I can't win.

"Yes, sir." I say with all the respectfulness I can muster.

"Are you mute, Ms. Staggs? Certainly, you must be mute or dumb."

"Yes, Master Instructor Sheaves, I meant that, sorry." _I hate him._

"Better, Ms. Staggs, this is your one and only. Consider it as your get out of jail free. Next time..." He didn't have to finish his statement; I know where it is going. _A run-in with an instructor, well that was stupid, Riley. What a way not to draw attention to yourself!_ My head drops with my shoulders back, and I am heading down the hall wanting to crawl into a hole.

"Riley!" _What the hell, now what?_ I spin around almost knocking a girl over and it's him. My heart starts racing and pounding begins in my ears. I walk over to him.

There Remington is, and I can't help but smile. This is wrong, but my cheeks just automatically do it. But I have to do this.

"Do you know Kyle?" I ask.

"Yep." _Is he going to say more?_

"Is he, you know..." taking a deep breath I continue. _With Remington staring at me he is making this harder._ "Is he alive?" Closing my eyes, I brace myself for the bad news.

"Yep."

"Okay, stop with the one-word answers. You know what I want to know." We are in the middle of a hallway; this is a bad idea. Our halls are busy, but it seems like there are twice as many guards as usual today. I must be paranoid.

Remington pushes me up against the wall, placing one arm on each side of me keeping me in one spot. "I'm not a Kyle fan, so you are probably asking the wrong person." No one even blinks an eye; he's a guard so he can do what he wants. He is so close I can feel his breath on my face.

"Your Kyle is alive. I don't know why he didn't come back here and I don't care." His arms drop, and he turns away. Glancing back at me he continues with words that cut me deep. "You are better off without him." _How can he say that? It is what I have thought on my own but that is me; he doesn't have the right to say that._

Remington spins back around to ask me, "Are you alright? I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that." I'm just going to drop this now and move on to what happened in class.

"Am I alright? Because of you I almost went to the farms." Your voice can give so many things away; like when you are nervous it inevitably shakes.

"Stop! What are you saying?" He didn't say it loud, but it is sharp enough to cut me again. He is still staring at me. Awkward. This isn't how he usually talks to me, I don't think. Or maybe I am imagining it. Is he really that concerned? I can't tell. But today there is so much more emotion.

"Don't shut me out, please." Remington's voice is softer now. I nod as he smiles at me and releases my chin. _I'm not turning away from him. Not going to do it._

"I don't want to talk about it." _What did I say that for? That's not what I mean._

"Okay, fine, whatev. No big deal. I should let you catch the bus." Wait, what did he just say? Then his hand touches my shoulder. Electricity sparks through me and a smile creeps over my lips.

"I'm just kidding." Remington's shoulders shake from laughing while he is trying to contain himself.

"Do not deviate from the plan." I hear my mother's voice. But I still don't let that stop me and I know I am seeing Remington in a light I shouldn't, but I don't let it slow me down. In one swift movement, he changes my books from my hand to under his arm. Then he places my hand in his other hand and I hold on tight. We walk past all the other guards with their guns, past the buses and to another lot.

His jeep is there with about two dozen more. He leads the way to his jeep, the one I have sat in so many times before; it would take me to and bring me back from training. He smiles, opens my door, and with a wave-like motion ushers me into the seat.

"Are you alright? I won't go fast and anytime you want to stop just say so, or is it something else?" Remington asks.

He starts the jeep. We turn towards the broken road and I hold on. Not that he is going fast, not at all. I need something to hold other than him as my heart races, hard and fast. We drive for a while and he pulls off into a field, then he stops. There is nothing around me other than grass that has long ago peaked and folded over.

"We need to talk." Remington mutters four small words that are making my heart sink.
Chapter 14

How do we know that it is real or that it will last? Who tells us?
"But, not here, this is a bad place. I just want to see what is wrong with you." I shake my head to him, so he starts the jeep back down a road that looks more like a path than anything. We are both content with not speaking to each other.

I can't take the silence any longer, so I break first by blurting out. "The teacher kinda threatened me!" Desperately staring out the window of the jeep as my cheeks redden, I decide I can't tell him anymore.

"Why? Please, Riley."

I open my textbook and pull out the folded paper handing it to him.

"My name?" A light laugh escapes his lips as he points at the paper. "Isn't that fancy with those doodles with it." It is official; I hate him. I don't know how I could ever let myself think that I like someone so cruel.

"If you are just going to laugh give it back!" I launch myself after it, but he easily holds me off with one hand.

"Stop, stop, Riley, you are going to make us run off the road."

"No, you are laughing at me. Stop it, that is mean."

"No, I'm not! I... I have never had a girl write my name on a sheet of paper like that; or like anything actually. I like it; I'm going to keep it."

"No, give it back please." I am trying my best to look sullen and it does no good.

"It means a lot to me. May I, please keep it?" He stares at me with those dark blue eyes and I throw my hands up in surrender, nodding to him.

"But I didn't get you in trouble. So that you know I didn't." As he folds the paper back and slides it into his pocket, I can see him smile, and it makes me feel good, even a little like I matter. _But I still hate him_.

"I have to take you to this place; it's not much further," he says as he brings the jeep back to another crater-ridden road. We pull into a heavily wooded cove on the west side hiding us away from the hot afternoon sun. "So you know, I won't let them take you to the work farms," he says while he is walking over to my side of the jeep. _I see he is still thinking about what I told him._

A gasp slowly escapes my lips as he accidentally brushes against my leg. Remington has no reaction as usual. His expression remains unreadable as ever. _If he would at least act like he likes me more than a stupid girl he has been charged to watch it would be much easier. Glorified babysitter._

He grabs a long canvas bag out of the back seat. "You coming or staying?" he asks. I nod and get out of the jeep, following him like a puppy. _A love-sick puppy or a bitch in heat._

We are standing not too far from a lake, a lake that is so blue that it matches the sky, still and smooth stretching to the horizon. The clouds of cotton balls reflect clearly on its surface. I only wish we could be here when the sun sets to watch the water reflect the perfect pastel blending the edging on the clouds.

As he unzips the canvas bag, I look inside. It is a compound bow not the piece of crap I have been training with. This is the most beautiful bow I have ever seen. It gently curves with a grip that I know will match my hand. Its eccentric wheel black, a flat back, and its sight window all beg for me to hold it. I look to Remington, and he nods. My hand slowly slides over it from the top to the bottom and back to the hand grip just below the arrow shelf. I caress it as if it were my lover and not a weapon.

A smile plays on my lips; it is amazing.

"You keep that up when Kyle gets back he will be jealous of that bow." That is a buzz kill, so I ignore it. _But I know he is trying to take the edge off after what he said earlier about Kyle._ As I pick up the aluminum alloy bow, I realize how light it is. My heart speeds up. Remington already has the quiver in his hand, and I am trembling with anticipation. _I have never seen anything like this. A weapon that feels right in my hand._

Remington points to the tree line; I follow his stare to see the straw bales set up just inside the trees with the outline of a body fixed to it. Nodding my head to acknowledge him my eyes go quickly back to the bow. I can't wait to shoot it. It is better than being a kid that has been turned loose in a candy store.

He snatches it out of my hands. Drawing the string back now, he makes his weight equal. Before I know that he is aiming, I hear the soft thwack of the string. Turning to look I see the arrow lodged into what would be the center of someone's head. I grin at him. That is incredible but pretty much everything he does is amazing.

"Nice one!" I exclaim then I continue, "I want to be able to shoot like that." Not that I am shy now when it comes to this.

"You will, and God knows you are much better at this than aiming a gun." _Okay, so we tried that again last week, and well, we couldn't figure out where the bullets were going. He told me no more, never again. He was done trying to teach me._

"You don't get to shoot the bow until you can take it apart, put it back together, wax the string and know how to maintain it. This isn't that other junk one." A loud, uncontrollable sigh escapes my lips and then my pout. It's always something. _Ah, another buzz kill moment by Remington._

"The hell you say. Are you serious?" He nods. "Oh no, I shoot first!" I hear him start laughing at me.

"I'm just teasing; I'm dying to see what you can do with your new bow." He has a smirk across his face.

Remington places his hand on my shoulder turning me to look at him. "Riley..." his expression is a grim one, "...you can never take any weapon into your home. They will kill you if they find it." And then he crushes my daydream of shooting the bow by bringing up the whole they will kill me. I am the definition of pathetic.

His voice quiets to a whisper. "If you are to leave me, not that way, okay?" I nod to him. "I keep the bow for now."

His eyes stare down at me with his lips sealed tight, and again I find myself nodding. Maybe I am more than just Toni's friend he must babysit. At least now or for now I have some hope.

"I think of you as my little sister; you have kind of grown on me. Wait here." _And now all my dreams are shattered into small shards that he is kicking around._

He is walking back to the jeep and brings back countless arrows in the quiver. Remington hands me the bow then throws a glob of slick stuff at me and instructs me to wax the strings. I am so excited I can't really remember if I am waxing them or not, but I hand the chunk of wax back to Remington.

He nods his head and bows, waving his arm towards to target. Placing the quiver on me, he steps to the side. I take my stance; I anchor, taking in a big breath then relax my shoulders some, aim and let it fly one after another after another.

Remington comes up. I feel the sparks as he lays his hand on my shoulder to stop me. For a brief moment he leaves it lingering there, then he looks from me to the target and back. "What the hell, princess? Let me go get those so you don't bend them." I look down to the target to see what he is grumping about and I see it. I'm a dead shot; it takes me a moment to have it sink in. Then I let out a squeal and jump, then run to Remington and point it out. _As if he hadn't noticed it yet._

"Let's see if that is just dumb luck." He smirks at me. I know he is just teasing but it makes my heart speed up and it makes me want to show him how bad ass I am.

I look at him then the target. The arrow is on the shelf. I don't use the site; I use my finger. Making sure I anchor, I draw resting my thumb under my jaw, take a final aim and let it fly. Then another, and another just like before. Finally, I stop after I split an arrow.

"What the fuck just happened, Riley? Why have we been wasting time trying to teach you to fight? Or shoot? Apparently, you get a good bow and you can't miss. You are in the trees from now on." I'm not sure what he means but I am happy he is happy.

"Tell me how you are doing this?" I find myself shrugging my shoulders to him like it is nothing.

I smile because I know how impressed he is even if won't say it. As if to mock him I give a lesson back to him. "Well, I draw, and then anchor but I don't tense just like you taught me. Aim, and then let it fly." My cheeks start to get hot when I notice he is staring at me.

"Please don't." I tell him.

"I give, please don't what??? You and my sister still are the masters of ambiguity," he spits out.

"Stare at me like I am some freak or I have four heads." Any other time I would love him to stare at me but not how he is now.

"You, well, this is so surprising. I am sorry for staring. But, it isn't cause you are a freak." He sucks in a breath and smirks while he continues, "I'm not sure about the four heads thing, yet." Remington chuckles, "But, it's because I'm so impressed with you. Can you do it again? Please."

He fills my quiver back up and I fire one after another keeping in a small pattern in the center of the target. After the seventh arrow in this group I stop and look over to him.

"Okay, okay, change of strategy here. Tomorrow you take to the trees." Remington smiles to me and I realize his hand is now on my shoulder.

"Seriously?"

"Aww, oi, you shoot too good to waste doing something else. This is it for you. Most of our people that use bows are in the trees." He wants me in the trees like the camp lookouts, the mission lookouts, and our diversion team. I'm so excited I could kiss him. He then explains that first he will start me out slow on non-moving objects while I keep my balance in the tree then we will progress to moving targets he will drag behind his jeep. Finally, I feel good, not just good, I feel like I can contribute to the rebellion. I wish Toni were here, but I know Remington will let his sister know.

"When we finish, Riley, you won't know where the bow ends, and you begin. You will be one with it." He smiles to me. Remington is finally smiling because of what I can do. _And not laughing because of what I can't do like fight him or shoot a gun._ He is so close I can feel his breath on me and it sends a chill down me.

"Don't get too cocky, and wax that string again; take care of this bow." _Me getting cocky. Listen to him._ "Make sure you put it in the bag right." Bending over, I promptly take the canvas case and hit Remington with it. "Tsk, Tsk, play nice, princess." _He is so close I think I am going to die._

"Hmmmf and stop calling me that." Stomping off, I put my bow away. _He is such an ass but at the same time I don't want to leave him. I know he can tell. He has to like me; why would he be so close?_

"Riley, I think we need to talk about something else while we're here." Goose-bumps run down my back at how hollow he sounds right now. "We're friends, right?" Slowly I nod, not liking the direction this conversation is going.

"That's all we can be; you know that, right?" Remington declares while I pierce the inside of my lip with my teeth. The burning sensation in my eyes. I can't cry. I won't cry. My head is nodding to him. _Betraying my feelings because I know I am falling for him. If he could only see me as a girl._ _I don't understand what is happening, it is hard to breathe when he is around, my stomach feels weird. Then when he is gone I can't breathe and my chest aches until I see him again._ I quickly turn away, so he can't see how riddled with disappointment I feel and the tears that are gathering waiting to run down my cheek.

* * * *

Our time is turning to weeks faster than I want it too. He continues taking me to secret beautiful places, and he has kept to his word to me: all work and only friends. _I take all my feelings for him and lock them away. It is better that way. I take all my hurt from this world and funnel it in my bow._ Most of the time now is spent challenging each other, sometimes fighting, sometimes shooting the bow but never shooting a gun; he vows he will never make that mistake of handing me a gun again. Always, I laugh when he says it so I'm not sure if I am supposed to believe him or not.

It is a game who can outdo the other. Who can climb the tree faster? Well, unless he gives me a head start, he does have me beat there. But I can usually use the bow better than him. The aiming came natural to me; I must master the rest of it.

* * * *

After several months of training finally something new. Energy fills me as we pull into an open field. We stop, and Remington runs around and opens the door, lifting me gently out of the jeep. _Like a damn that was opened my feelings for him come rushing back in like the water._ _This is weird, this is, this is like he likes me. I can't let myself believe it. I must bite my lip hard! Keep myself in reality!_

Today he has a new mood that I have never seen; it is lighter than usual. My waist is on fire from his touch. I need to give up already. He reaches behind the seat to pull out...not my bow but blankets.

I know I don't want it to stop with Remington but as he reminds me often, "Just like a little sister." _I am such a loser. I don't think my heart can take this._ Little sister or not at least I get to spend time with him.

We are standing in the most beautiful field that overlooks a quarry that has long since flooded. Small white and pink flowers carpet the ground. A light smell of honeysuckle floats in the air from the wood line. The quarry lake we are by seems to be infamously long and endlessly deep with the quiet splashes in the distance from fish. My breaths are deep as I stare off trying to take in all the beauty and cursing the dark gray clouds that threaten us in the distance.

I feel a gentle tug on my pants. Looking down I see Remington motioning for me to sit down with him. I am getting my familiar butterflies in my stomach that seem to ignore his words of being "just like a little sister." As I sit, two apples appear in his hands. All I can do is smile; apples are a luxury here, and I love them.

Remington is kind, thoughtful, sometimes guarded along with possessing a chiseled chest and arms that bulge with muscles. I don't mean the bulging of someone who has overdone the whole workout that has the neck the size of an elephant's leg. I am talking the defined bicep and triceps that aren't too bulky. He has hands that are strong but soft. His face is beautiful; when he speaks you can watch the muscles in his jaw move. Sometimes when he is thinking you can watch his jaw clench and unclench. He shows his emotions not often, but sometimes you can watch them when he doesn't think anyone is watching.

We inch closer to each other laughing and talking. Every time I feel him brush against me, sparks shoot in all directions inside. _Still pathetic, I know._ It is all I can do to keep myself from losing control and letting him know everything I feel. But, I'd ruin this, this time we spend together.

With those thoughts, I feel something damp on my cheek, then another and another. It is starting to sprinkle. The wind is picking up, and the sky turns a dark blue almost black. The threatening clouds once in the distance are no longer distant. A rumble echoes across the sky and suddenly we have a monsoon rain.

Remington is laughing as he takes the other side of the blanket and pulls it over us rolling us to the ground. In the process, I find myself leaning over, looking at him with a hand out on either side keeping my balance. _I could kiss him right now, we are so close._ He is lying on the ground, and I could easily be lying on top of him making out. All I have to do is let go. _I never thought I would be this close to anyone other than Kyle._

_Just kiss me already._ My heart can't take it anymore; it is going to explode.

We are only inches apart from each other and I feel his breath on my lips. The blanket is getting soaked, but I don't feel the water. I only see it dripping off of my face onto his. Our lips are so close, if he would just kiss me...

His hands slide behind my back. "God, you are so beautiful," Remington whispers. No one has ever told me I was beautiful. Not ever.

In a faint whisper, I say, "Thank you."

"Riley, I mean it. You are beautiful, not only beautiful on the outside but the inside too." Then an alarm sounds. "Shit!"

"What?" I am trying my best not to scream back. "What's wrong?" I'm not sure what is going on.

"Riley, it is twenty-thirty!" he continues.

"Ohhh, ok." I am sitting in record time. It takes a few minutes for the time to sink in. It is eight thirty p.m. I am dead, so dead if I get caught. It is past curfew by thirty minutes. My legs are starting to tremble.

He is staring inches from me, telling me not to worry. Remington has to check in on the base by twenty-two hundred. Frantically, I search for everything we have brought when I feel his hand touching my arm allowing the warmth to spread through me.

"Riley, you are safe with me." I let out a sigh. Of course, I am.

Trying to move around in wet pants is agonizing, painfully slow and I am sure I will have diaper rash. My pants are cold and heavy. I am standing close to him only inches away, feeling his breathing on me ragged and fast. It feels good. The rain is beginning to slow.

"Riley, I..., I...never mind, just know tonight, I don't think we should do this again. I'm sorry, I just thought you needed a break."

"A break? and why not?" My head is hanging low as I speak. "Don't answer because I know I want to be with you again." My voice is rising a little too loud. _I shouldn't have let my feelings out towards him, if I could just control them better._

"And I don't mean for target practice either!" I shouldn't be raising my voice to him, but it hurts, my chest hurts so bad.

He swings his arm and ushers me into the passenger seat placing the wet blankets I am carrying in the back. When he climbs into the driver's seat, he stares at me.

"You are beautiful..." After saying this, Remington is searching for words; I can see it in his expression.

"I'm begging you, please don't say anything else." I don't want to hear him say I'm like his little sister; I don't want him to say that his job is to guard me. I don't want to hear anything else. Even though it hurts to think badly of him, he is such an ass. _If I could just make myself believe that. Kyle would never have done this, I wouldn't feel this hurt._

"Nothing else?" Remington asks.

"Nothing." I plead with him.
Chapter 15

Promises that have been made are not necessarily ones that should be kept. Or should promises be kept at any cost? I don't mind telling   
you that I held to the ladder and not by choice.   
The fact is I can "never deviate."
"I had a great time today, I mean it was fun, I don't think great really describes, you know like, 'gee that is great,' I really mean great, great, like perfect great."... _Oh my God, someone shoot me now I just vomited my words at him._ "I mean thank you." Not sure he can understand my aimless and useless babble that is falling out of my mouth on the drive back. _Hell, I don't think I can understand it after I said it. And yes, I am just ignoring the stupid stuff he said before._

He is walking around the jeep to let me out. His hand is there to help me, and I don't let go of it. We walk side by side up the step to my door with our shoulders brushing together; he watches me opening it and places his hand on the door frame and leans over me.

His head tilts to the side looking down at me while my hand is on the doorknob. _So adorable._ "Riley, thank you, I did have a nice time..." He sounds more formal than he did before. Then he relaxes whispering to me... "And I mean what I said. You are beautiful." His voice is rough on the edges then soft, sending tingles through every part of me.

Goosebumps appear on my arms as he starts to turn to walk away, so I quickly grab his wrist and pull him back towards me. Maybe this was one of my impulsive moves, the ones I have that sooner or later will get me into trouble, but not now.

"What, Riley? Is everything okay?" His words only show his concern for me as they roll out of his beautiful mouth, perfect lips. His smile still shows. Reaching up with my fingers I touch each of his dimples while he stands motionless, but his eyes show his apprehension. But I can't back down now, or I will never do it.

While he is facing me, I stand on my toes, feeling his breath caressing my face. I whisper, "I shouldn't do this." I shut my eyes, lean in, and kiss him. Not on his cheek, nope right on his perfect lips I was eyeing only moments ago. It isn't a great kiss or a long kiss, but it is a kiss. _And, maybe I'll hold off on calling it my first kiss._ At first, I can feel him pull me in and kiss me back. Doing what I don't expect, he then steps back, looking at me, panic showing on his face. _Oh, God this isn't good._

Clearing his throat, he says, "I will see you in the morning." He pivots and walks off, stopping at the edge of my house. _And I don't think it is because he changed his mind and wants to kiss me._ I want to go in my house dancing, but instead, I start feeling like I am on the receiving end of __ a right hook. Why couldn't he just keep kissing me back? Now I think dying will be easier than facing Remington tomorrow. _New meaning to awkward._

I stop walking in the house when I notice Remington still has not moved. Maybe he is going to come back and tell me he was wrong after all for stepping back or that he wants to be with me. No, that isn't it; he'll come back and ask me to be his girlfriend. Butterflies start to form while his back is still towards me.

"Riley," he said my name, "...just so we are clear, I am here to protect you. I'm your friend and I am very sorry if I gave you the wrong idea today. I never meant to lead you on."

I scramble doing the only thing I can, opening my door and slamming it shut promptly after walking through it. _No one's fault but my own._ What am I thinking? _He led me on today; that's it. It is his fault, not mine. So cruel._

* * * *

After Remington leaves around nine I watch the last of the orange from the sun setting through my window and all that is left is the warm sticky darkness. I reminisce about what I did wrong today. For the first time in as long as I can remember, I feel optimistic. I allow myself to feel a little happiness, not because of my rejection, but because I feel hope things can be different. I have longed to feel this way. It is like the sun squeezing through the darkness one glorious ray at a time. Ever since they stole my mom, my guilt has been haunting me, but today is different; my mom is easing into a different part of my heart. I feel her smile, forgiving me and the guilt is slowly peeling away.

Maybe chasing Remington is wrong, so tonight I make a promise to be determined to find Kyle and be with him. _I can do this. Maybe it is just the rejection from Remington or maybe it is alright to allow myself some happiness with someone else. Maybe, rejection taught me a lesson. Whatever the reason is, I will find Kyle or find out what happened to him._

Shrugging my wet clothes, I walk over to my bed, picking up my one and only shirt I have for sleeping. It's soft, light pink, well-worn, and properly broken in for my comfort. It hangs mid-thigh with short sleeves that come to my elbows with lots of holes and I wouldn't change it for the world.

After sliding myself under the sheets, for the first time in months I try to picture what Kyle looks like now and where to start looking first. Feeling a new guilt, I realize I let Remington consume all of my thoughts since my mom was taken and fear starts entering my mind when I realize, I can't picture Kyle as clearly as I did before. When I try, Remington comes to my mind clear while my Kyle is fading.

A tap. I jump and my heart races. A tap again. I recognize it from when I was little, and I know it can't be. Tap...Tap, Tap. My window? Kyle? What the hell? It can't be Kyle. He should have been here when he turned sixteen, and that didn't happen. _I might still be angry at that but remember what I just told myself earlier: I will find Kyle or find out what happened to him_. Slowly searching in the dark while I am sitting myself up I reach for my weapon. It is my bat.

Quickly moving, I even impress myself like I am floating across the room. Then I come back to my usual self, tripping over my shoes. I land near my trusty wooden baseball bat so that I can swing if I have to.

I take a deep breath, tightening my grip as I open the curtain. I push the bat towards the window to try to scare whoever it is. Because shoving a bat at someone on the other side of a window is intimidating. _Maybe not *deep sigh.*_

It is him. I don't know how I know it but I do. My heart stops. It is my Kyle. My beautiful blonde, hazel-eyed Kyle. He is taller, leaner now. It takes me just a mere second and when I see those eyes peering at me, I know. His muscles are well formed; even through the scant light and his shirt I notice them. It is lean muscle but not puny. He is not as tall as many of the guys but more defined than a lot of the guys. Letting my bat clank to my feet, I start fighting with the window latch. _Just open already._ All of a sudden, my fingers can't work. The faster and harder I am trying the more I fumble. It is the window latch from the depths of hell forged in an unmovable position.

He is patiently waiting in jeans and a gray polo shirt with his arms crossed in front of him. _Okay, maybe not that patiently._ It is still lightly drizzling; his hair is looking darker and his clothes are damp which make him look even better. As I open the window to its fullest, he is standing on the crate, our crate from days gone by. He lifts himself up, swings a leg, and he is next to me.

I can't speak, and I don't have to as he wraps his arms around me holding me, tight to his chest. He's warm and safe other than his clothes which are a little damp. We aren't moving apart; I am taking in all of him. Tears are pouring down my face making me break my "no crying ever again policy" again. _I know, don't say it, I break that policy often. Now the hard sobbing begins._

Kyle leans his head back looking at me as he lifts my face up gently with his hands on both sides; his thumbs wipe my tears away. Knowing my eyes are swollen, rimmed red, I try to turn away, but he tightens his fingers on the sides of my face. I have no choice; I have to lean into his hands. It feels familiar and good though I haven't seen him in almost four years. _Remember, Riley, it should have only been two years; don't begin to let him off this easy._

"Shhh, it's alright, I'm back. I promised you, did I not?" With those few words I take his shirt into my hands and pull him closer to me. I lay my head on his damp chest; standing there I cry more, the hard sobs, ugly, agonizing sobs are here. I grab the nearest dirty shirt and wipe snot in it. _Embarrassing._

He makes me forget the anger I have felt for him not returning _(almost)_ when we were sixteen. I am happy; I know I am safe now. Kyle will never let anything happen to me. Earlier this evening I was trying to kiss Remington; now Kyle's arms are wrapped around me, but this is who I am supposed to be with. This is not going to be good. How do I tell Remington? I should not have let my loneliness control me before but it's too late now. Having someone with me is what I want. _Isn't it?_

Kyle tilts my head back to look at me again. My tears have stopped, and I study him in the almost nonexistent light. I stop to turn the light on to see his eyes that are hazel with gold and green flecks in them and his nose perfectly straight in the middle of his face. His short hair, it is almost nonexistent on the sides, a little longer but still short on top, a shade or two darker than when he left but still golden blonde. Studying his lips, I am pretty sure I know what is coming, and I don't mind. My eyes keep drifting back to his lips, and then they stop there, and my fingers want to run through his damp hair, but I don't allow it, not now, too soon. _Remember... pathetic and lonely here; I only hope he doesn't see it in my face._

I should turn my head, or I should be stepping away; either choice would make more sense than standing this close to him.

He is watching me intently. He knows I am studying him too. It's an awkward quiet time that is passing between us. Should I move? No, that isn't right; maybe I should say somethings. No, that isn't it but I need to stop staring at him, more specifically at his lips. _Geez, say something or do something and don't do something just because you couldn't get Remington to kiss you. But, why not?_

Sliding my hands behind his neck feeling the short stubble of hair, I pull him closer to me again. Then he leans his forehead on mine. Does he know what I want? Will he think I'm easy? And most of all do I care? He has to marry me anyway.

Bending down to where I feel his breath across my face, he grazes his lips over mine, then he kisses me softly, not with his tongue or anything like that. How he grazes my lips with his before each kiss, it entices me for more. If I said I get the tingling feeling like when I am around Remington it would be a lie. I feel different; it's because he's what I know or I am telling myself this. He's mine and he's home.

He tilts his head back a little and to the side, the light catching the edge of his face. I can see his smile. He is pulling me in tighter, and I melt into him. I can feel his chest move with every breath he takes. Bending his head down, so our lips meet again, he kisses me slowly, parting my lips with his tongue and it's deep, full of passion. He keeps his lips sealed on mine until I am almost gasping for air.

Nausea is starting to play with my rolling stomach. I have to wave him away as he reaches for me, so if I get sick it won't be on him.

"Are you alright? You don't look good." I nod and remind myself I am alright; this is Kyle and he is back. _I am alright; I am alright. This is supposed to be my happy ending._ I don't know what I am anymore other than confused. Squeezing my eyes shut I just need a little space and a little air for breathing. _I never thought I'd feel this much guilt and for what? Trying to kiss Remington? He doesn't even like me._

We stand in my bedroom with a baseball bat at our feet. Then it hits me; I have nothing on but a t-shirt. I cross my legs and try to pull my shirt down to prevent him from seeing. _Oh hell, at this point it doesn't matter._

"Riles, remember when your mom was hurt?" He is talking about when we were fourteen and the guard hit her calling her a 'traitor' for telling me her stories. Mr. Kendell came and took care of her. Tears start to form again in the back of my eyes. "Don't cry, Riles, that's not..." I nod telling him to go on. "Your mother said I am to take care of you. Always, no matter what." He knows, I know he knows, I can tell. _Do I think it is a coincidence he comes back after four years on the day I kiss Remington? No._

"She also said your mom and dad would be around for me, but that didn't happen. They moved, I...I don't know where they are. I have been on my own, a.... alone, really alone."

"So, they did, and I am so sorry. I never wanted you to be alone, but where my parents are it doesn't matter anymore. What matters, Riles, is I am here, and I am going to take care of you from here on out, promise."

He lifts my chin with his fingers, so I am looking at him. "I'll never leave you again. That is what your mom wanted, isn't it? That's the deal your mom and dad made with my parents, right?" I nod because he is right and I have to honor my mother's and father's wishes.

Things are or have been already chosen for me; why don't I just accept it? Just bow down quietly and don't think, just do. After all, I could have done much worse than Kyle. I run to the bathroom to get sick from the guilt building in me.

Kyle is asking me what is wrong, again. I shake my head, closing my eyes and stay seated on the bathroom floor with my back to the wall. I replay things in my mind, coming to an understanding: I should tell Kyle about Remington. But will I make it if I don't tell him soon? I just need some time.

"Are you sick?" Why do people ask stupid things to the blatantly obvious? They see you in pain or bleeding and ask, "Does it hurt?" I'm sitting on a bathroom floor vomiting, what does it look like? I pick my eyebrows up to him trying not to let the word 'obviously' fall out then shrug my shoulders and he is gone. Within seconds he is back with a cool dishrag. Pulling my hair away from my face he lightly wipes my face. God, I'm stupid. I close my eyes, letting him take care of me. As he wipes my forehead my mind is flashing back to growing up.

If it is just an arrangement and nothing more, why did I feel so empty when Kyle left? And why am I afraid to give him a chance? _Maybe because I know deep down he is the one._ So many things are swirling in my head right now; I think it is going to blow up, and a deep pain shoots up from the back of it. The room just needs to stop swirling with my thoughts as another gag burst out of me.

Kyle doesn't flinch from me as I gag; he re-wets the rag and then sits down. "What's wrong? Will you tell me?" He pulls me to him and I lay my head in his lap and tell him it has been a long day or maybe it is the flu, but I know what it is. He moves my hair away from my face and again wipes my forehead gently.

He stands up, and his hand is outstretched upwards towards me offering me help. "Riley, I see something is bothering you, and I mean more than being sick. I hope you know me well enough that you could tell me anything. Promise. I'll never be mad at you." I see the questions in his eyes, and I hope he doesn't see the guilt in mine. His jaw is tight; there is a crease between his eyebrows and he knows I'm hiding things.

Placing my hand in his he slowly closes his fingers around mine, pulling me up, watching me, seeing through me as he gently helps me. It might as well be written on me in a bright light that I wanted to be with someone else; he can tell. Shaking away from his fingers, I lean over the sink with my toothbrush in hand. When I'm done he gently guides me out of the bathroom.

"You need to lie down, Riles. I will take care of you. I'll always take care of you, and I will be here all night if you need anything..." My heart is breaking into a million pieces.

As Kyle laces his fingers through mine, I pause in the hallway and tighten my fingers as we continue to walk into the bedroom. He pulls back the covers for me and I slide into my bed. He kisses my forehead as I settle my head into my pillow.

"You don't feel warm; that's good." He starts to leave again, and I grab his arm and sit him on the bed next to me.

"What is it?" His eyes are big with a crease in his forehead. I have made him nervous; this might be the biggest mistake of my life, but I can't live feeling this way. I just won't tell him who; that will be better I suppose. Sliding myself back up to a sitting position and looking into his eyes I begin.

"Kyle, I am so happy you are home. I've missed you very, very much. Believe me, I have."

"I believe you, but I know there is a 'but' to this. I can see it in your face."

"I did something really stupid. I can't ask you not to be mad. I thought about being with someone else because I thought you weren't coming home. I am sorry..." _It is close to the truth, but I couldn't hurt him that bad._

"What did you do with them?" His voice is very cold and distant.

"Nothing, not really..."

"You can tell me; I want to know."

"I kissed him; that is all. He didn't even kiss me back. Please don't leave me, please." _I just spilled my guts._

"Riley, I will never leave you; we'll work through this, promise." He starts to get up.

"You aren't mad?"

"No, Riley, I'm not mad. I already knew." _What? Did Remington tell him?_

Then he walks out of my bedroom and comes back with a glass of water.

"Take little sips, Riley." Kyle's taking care of me again is better than I like to admit. I have this gnawing feeling inside of me; this is too good to last.

Kyle is sitting on the edge of the bed facing away from me and takes his shirt off. In the dim light, I can see the scars from his youth. Some look angrier, almost new but I know they can't be. Others have changed to a thick white line. His father made permanent reminders of Kyle's disobedience to him or at least what he perceived as disobedience to him. Reaching my hand to touch them, I pull back, quickly thinking better of it. I don't want to bring him the pain lost in his memories.

Whispering just to reassure myself I ask, "You are not angry with me?" He shakes his head "no".

"You didn't know if I was coming back. I should have been with you, hell, almost two years ago. I'm the lucky one; you have not married anyone else. How could I be angry?"

"And it's okay, Riley; you can touch my back." I lightly graze my fingers across, and he twists around taking my hand to his mouth. He kisses the tips to my fingers and stops.

"Don't ever trust my father, Riley." I think back to what Toni told me, _"Mr. Kendell is dangerous."_ I slowly nod to him, wondering where this is coming from.

"Promise me, Riley; I want to hear you promise me."

"I promise, Kyle. I will never trust your father, Mr. Kendell."

He is my Kyle, and he is beautiful and a little enigmatic but apparently, I am drawn to this attribute. I watch every muscle tighten as he slides down to the floor to sleep.

"You will get cold without a cover," I whisper to him. He grins at me and tells me if he gets cold he will put his shirt back on. I don't know what answer I want to hear but he just won me over a little more.

"I can't do this Kyle."

He props himself up on his elbows. "What?"

"You can't stay down there; it will be freezing. Please come up here."

"It's eighty-five degrees out and I have slept in worse places; I'm fine. You need to get some rest."

"I won't rest if you stay down there. I will stay up all night." Staring at him, I am starting to pout even though in the dim light he wouldn't be able to tell.

"Okay, I give. It's not like I don't want to be in bed with you." He climbs in to my bed but not under the covers. He is lying on his back staring at the ceiling.

"You are still going to get cold."

"And I can still put my shirt back on."

Feeling our hands brush against each other sends a shiver through me as I feel Kyle wrap his fingers around mine. Releasing my hand, he props himself on his side and I just stare at him. He whispers, "What?"

My body shakes, and my eyes drift down below his face. My voice trembles as I ask, "You really came back to take care of me?" They settle on his neck and I see a little glimpse of something shining and my fingers quickly rush to touch it. The cross necklace I gave him when we were fourteen. I had found it in a house we were rummaging, and I gave it to him on our first day of school. He kissed me then.

His fingers slide on the side of my cheek as he turns me to face him. "Riley, thinking of being with you is what got me through everything at the Academy. You were my hope and my light. I wouldn't have made it without knowing I was going to be with you." Then touching his necklace, he whispers to me, "I told you I would never take it off."

Lying on my side, I am looking into his eyes; there is a stray tear slowly finding its way down my cheek that he brushes away. He's really here.

"Please lie next to me." I motion so he understands that I want him under the covers. His touch is warm and gentle, slow and steady. We talk about how it was when we were seven, eight, then eleven. He tells me that he knew this was always where he was supposed to be. I feel the tears run down my cheeks.

"I have to tell you something..." And he places his finger over my lips to silence me.

For Kyle and me, I am no longer confused. In this brief time I realize I want him and need him to take care of me.

"Riley, I'm not leaving you again." He kisses me then and speaks quietly, "If you want me in bed just say so." I feel the heat in my cheeks after the words leave his lips. _I'm so pathetic._ He climbs under the covers and pulls me to him tightly where I fall asleep.

* * * *

Orange is peeking through my window as I realize it is morning light. My eyes are barely open, and I feel him. My face is lying on his arm, and my back is pressed up against his chest. His other arm is draping over me. I take a few more deep breaths as I lie for another few minutes just enjoying this feeling and laughing to myself knowing my mom was right. All the years of fighting over this, over Kyle and here he is next to me. I hope wherever she is, she sees this.

Reality sometimes hits like running into a wall...straight splat into the concrete wall. I have to go to school. Remington. What am I going to tell Remington? Does it even matter to him? I slide out from under Kyle's arm. I pull my uniform pants on, a bra, and throw my night shirt off and duck into a uniform shirt. I pin my hair up and prepare to run outside before Remington can arrive. I look back to see Kyle... _Shit..._ He is sitting up, running his fingers through his hair a couple of times. "Don't get up..." I say, motioning to him to stay like he is an animal. "I am just going to school. Stay...stay there in bed." I want to be sick all over again realizing what I have done. What have I done? Nothing. Kyle is who I am supposed to be with and Remington doesn't want to have anything to do with me.

Kyle climbs out of bed, and I see in daylight his chiseled physique with the silver cross. His pants loosely hanging low on his hips and I must make myself look away. What am I going to do? I need to talk to Remington, alone. I'm not even sure why it bothers me, but it does. _Or maybe it is because Remington rejected my kiss that really bothers me._

Kyle's arms reach around me from behind pulling me back to him. I slide around to face him and he pulls me even closer. I feel kisses on the top of my head, and they are working their way to my lips. _I can't do it; I can't let myself get lost in him, not now._ Looking into his beautiful eyes with the flecks of gold and green in them, I see they are just inches from me.

"You don't have to go, Riley. You could stay here with me." He whispers and then kisses my ear then moves to just below my ear to a very sensitive area on my neck. _Stop, I have to stop._ I push him back just a little. He does not know how tempting he is. Maybe in another life, I could do this right now with him but not this one. I have to go!

"I have to go." It comes out short and frigid.

He lets go of me quickly, and I see a question. Not like the surprised face last night when I kissed him back, more like, "I can't believe you don't want to stay with me."

Taking a deep breath in, Kyle is very blunt and says, "Or is it because you want to run to him?" My hands cover my mouth, and the tears fill my eyes as I stare at Kyle.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that; it wasn't fair. I am so sorry, Riles, please." He steps closer and wrapping his arms around me he pulls me into his chest. "Please stay, I will always protect you. No one will hurt you again. And I am sorry for not being here sooner and for the stupid, hurtful thing I just said."

"Kyle, I have to go, and I'm not running to him, ever. I'm with you," I snap as I remove his arms from around me and continue, "I want to explain this to him, nothing more." If I am lucky, I can catch Remington before he turns down the street to my house. "And you did just hurt me." Spinning away, I run for the door as I hear him call my name, but I don't stop.

I see Remington's jeep, and I am running like a crazed person whose butt is on fire, so he accelerates harder. His jeep is flying towards me atop the hill at the intersection. He comes skidding to a stop and jumps out of his jeep. Running over to me, Remington scoops me into his arms.

"What's wrong, what happened? Are you hurt?" All I feel is the electricity that flows through his fingers when he touches me.

"No," I gasp, as I bend over out of breath.

"Why are you running? I would have come to your house like I always do."

"You can't." I must tell him before this conversation goes any further. But, his interest at best only wavers towards me, sometimes on and sometimes off. I know light switches that would switch less than him. After all, Remington didn't want me last night, no hug, no yelling my name to tell me he was wrong about rejecting my kiss. Nothing.

"W...what? Why?" Confusion. Then is that hurt I see on his perfect face? Then a glare. _Maybe that wasn't hurt; no, it was more a question of "Are you dumb?"_ As his arms release me, I double back over trying to catch my breath again with his hand on my back.

"So, Kyle came back? I thought he would. He was hanging around listening to me talk with some of my friends." _How do these guys know this stuff?_

"I can't. I just can't." My sobs are choking up catching in my throat. The tears find their path down my face, so much for my not crying again policy.

"You can't say what, tell me the truth?" Remington's voice is tense and so is the hand on my back; he knows what I am saying and it's killing me. Why is he pushing it?

This horrible, horrible feeling I am making a huge mistake.

"I c...cannot see you I mean workout with you because Kyle is home," I whisper as I go limp and let loose of all my self-control. Something inside me is causing such a horrible pain in my chest that I can't stand it.

"Sshh, sshh. Let's go." Did he not hear me? My legs tremble, and I can't move, but here he is helping me into his jeep. I am staring at nothing in front of me as I lean my head against the plastic window, trying to blink my tears back as we drive away. Feeling his hand slowly slide over mine, I don't move, and I say nothing. My eyes close as his finger squeeze mine. I picture us back under the blanket in the rain yesterday. My path is with Kyle, and it always has been.

We arrive at school. Remington walks over to my side of the jeep, opens the door, puts his hands around my waist and stops for just a second. His hands gently help me out of the jeep, and they trap me against it. With an arm on each side of me, he is leaving me no choice but to stay here. Why is he doing this? Is it just because now he knows I won't chase him anymore? Is this the kind of guy he is?

I curse myself for feeling excitement, the excitement like the first time he was talking to me, every time I have caught a glimpse of him and every time I dream of him. When he touches me my heart beats so fast I think it is going to shatter. His breath warm against my cheek. His arms trembling on each side of me.

"Riley, I don't want you to ever get the wrong idea and last night, well, this isn't easy. Last night I realized you think of us more than just friends." He picks up my chin, so I look at him. "Shh don't cry, please. I care about you, but I wasn't lying when I said I am here to protect you; that is my job. I let things go, no, I took things too far between us. God, I feel awful. I never meant to mislead you."

"Mislead me? You did, and that was cruel of you to spit it out like that." Seeing his eyes, I know I just hurt him. "You took me out on a date. How could you if you didn't like me?"

"I am sorry, Riley. That is not what I meant it as and I do like you as a friend, a lot."

"So, what did you mean it as?"

Whispering, he tells me, "You go to school, and then you practice until dark; that is all you do. I was just wanting to give you a break, time to have fun. Am I horrible for that?"

I push him away from me; it hurts so much. "What about telling me I was beautiful? I guess that is a lie too."

"I have never lied to you ever. You are beautiful, very beautiful."

"Then why don't you want to date me?" _Uggg. I said that._

"It is my job to protect you, train you, and you are in the uprising..." He sighs, "...Riley, you are in an arranged marriage. What do you want from me?"

"You didn't know, like me, if he was coming back!" I can't look at him it hurts so much. "I have to go to class; I don't want to talk anymore."

"I'm sorry. We'll talk later; this is dangerous out here," Remington says quietly.

Not wanting to hear any more of what he has to say, I start walking away and wave him off.

As I walk toward the door, glancing back I see him as he turns away from me and climbs into his jeep. When I pull the door open to the school, I hear the gravel fly as he spins his tires and leaves.

After school, I don't bother to go to the parking lot. My fear is taking over as I think about going home. Making a decision and sticking to it even if you believe it might be wrong is one hardest things you can do. Knowing that no matter what happens "do not deviate from the plan." I will walk the line my mom laid out for me. I will not deviate, so I walk out and get on the bus.

The bus is colder than I remember, rougher and slower. At last, my stop comes into view and I start the descent down the steps to get off the bus seeming to be in slow motion as I stare down the hill. The one that I know my house is at the very end of. Everything feels bitter and numb as I make my descent.

As my house comes into view I don't see Kyle's jeep; the tears start to come, harder and faster. This time, I don't bother to wipe them because I know more tears are just going to take their place. Looking up, I see Remington in his jeep pulling in behind me. My hope soars and my heart stops. He jumps out of the jeep.

His eyes look black like coal, and his jaw tightens as he spits his words out to me. "Where were you? I was in the parking lot for thirty minutes!"

"I...I didn't think you would want to take me home."

His glare is sending chills through me and he is spitting his words at me. "I have to; you are my responsibility until you leave here." I sink a little further and feel the knife go a little deeper into my heart.

"Is that the only reason?" I ask, knowing the answer already.

"How can you ask that?" Remington stares at me and I can see the disbelief in his eyes.

My breathing stops when I hear, "Hello, Remington, how are you?" Slowly turning around, I see Kyle standing at my front door in his underwear, smirking. Oh, God, what is wrong with him?

"I hope you don't mind, Riley. After we woke up when you left this morning, I decided to wash my clothes that had been damp lying in the corner of your bedroom. Oh, and I cleaned up a little; the place was a mess."

Deep breath, I need space as my world collapses. Oh God, why is this happening and why is he throwing all my personal stuff out in the open? Life is being cruel.

Remington stares at me. Fear and the feeling of hopelessness fill me as he speaks. "Really, Riley? He spent the night with you? You just decide to tell me today? Couldn't you even tell me he was back before you slept with him? And here I thought I knew the reason he suddenly showed up."

"It wasn't like that. Ehh, what's that supposed to mean anyway?" I snap at him. Another knife carving its way into my heart.

"What do you mean it wasn't like that?" Kyle is flinging the shit out of his mouth like it is on fire. He can't wait to say more to Remington. The testosterone is high, and I am praying they will not fight; one of them will end up dead.

"I remember having a whole lot of fun with you last night. Didn't you have fun? It seems to me you were pretty excited about being with me here in your bed; in fact, you asked me to come under the covers with you. I tried sleeping on the floor. Then afterward we curled up together, and you slept like a baby in my arms."

"Is that true?" I can't even look at Remington to respond; all I can do is look at the ground.

"It wasn't like that." Kyle doesn't wait for me to finish what I am saying before he starts talking.

"Riley, I don't remember you ever lying before. Remington must have been a bad influence on you. Maybe you should pick who you play with better than him." My anger is growing, and my face is turning red. Beyond that I feel like I'm on fire, but I don't have time to think about that. Things are getting ugly.

In seconds Remington pushes me out of the way almost knocking me to the ground. A half second after that and Remington has Kyle pinned to my front door.

"Stop it! Stop it!" I scream, trying to pull Remington away but feeling his rock-solid muscles that are not moving.

"Don't act like this, Remington, stop!" I scream to his back. Kyle is the instigator and here I am screaming at the wrong person. Remington turns and looks at me; his hurt is all over his face. After all, I am pretty sure he is just trying to defend me.

I mumble in the meekest voice I can find, "You're better than this." I am not sure out of the three of us who is more shocked that I confess this.

"Don't ever talk about her that way again; I will kill you." Remington threatens.

"What way?" Kyle replies, still smirking.

"Like she is one of your dogs." Remington takes a step back looking down at me. "I need to talk with you alone."

Before I have the chance to answer, Kyle does. "No, she doesn't need to talk with you." My eyes pass back and forth between the two of them. On one hand, I know how angry this will make Kyle, and on the other hand, I have only seen Remington look like this one other time.

Turning my chin with his fingers, Remington continues speaking to Kyle. "I'm not talking to you; I'm talking to her."

Kyle grabs me and jerks me back behind him by my arm, knocking me off balance while he is lunging at Remington who quickly dodges his attack. Meanwhile, I am attempting to pick myself up off the ground. By the time I'm up, Remington has Kyle in a submissive hold.

"Kyle, that hurt!" I am yelling as I am dusting myself off. He isn't saying anything back. "Remington, let him go."

"But..."

"Please let him go." He shoves Kyle back up the steps to the top of the porch.

"Kyle, I am going to talk with Remington. He needs to tell me something..." Not knowing if I should say the rest, I blurt it out anyway. "...and I want to hear it."

"Remington, I will let you talk with my wife this one time but never again. Riley, after today it ends with him." His words make me shake but I can't let him say that; well, I shouldn't let him say that. 
Chapter 16

Secrets.
Remington takes me down the block to an abandoned home. Once we are inside he glances behind me; I am assuming to make sure Kyle didn't follow.

In a deep voice filled with pain, he asks me very carefully, "Is it true?"

All I can do is whisper, "It's true."

"What's true?" _Why is it his business and why do I feel that I owe him an explanation?_

"What Kyle said: He spent the night." Swallowing becomes impossible. I know what he wants to know, and I need to tell him the truth. Quieter than a whisper I add, "In my bed." Hoping he didn't hear me but...looking up I know he did. My voice is slowly fading. "It's not what you think; his clothes were wet. He was going to sleep on the floor without a shirt. I thought he would get sick. We didn't..."

He looks lost as he keeps staring at me. Then he sighs looking down at me and I am feeling so small. "You aren't helping your case." Then I see the corners of his mouth turn up.

"What are we going to do with you?" Remington asks me. I shrug my shoulders back to his question. Then he pulls me in closer to him.

"This is serious, Riley. I don't trust him. I don't want you to trust him."

Being absolutely tired of everyone trying to tell me how to feel, I glare at him and ask, "Why?"

"Isn't me saying so enough?"

"No."

"Of course, it isn't with you. What the hell was I thinking. There are rumors he has been doing things for his father." As he speaks, I shake my head. "I mean really bad things."

"That isn't true; I know because he made me promise not to trust his father. Maybe your sources aren't right, or maybe you have an ulterior motive."

"What? You think I have a crush on you or something?" I am silently hoping while I look up to him. "Even if that were true, and I was going to act on it, this has nothing to do with it, Riley. This is dangerous."

"Really?" I hate how disappointed I sound.

"Riley, if I wanted you I would have had you by now. Shit that came out all wrong. I want you, Riley, to be my friend, my little sister, my sister's best friend. I still have a job to do." He pulls me into a hug.

"I do care about you; you have no idea how much. But, Riley, be careful please." While I have my head pushed into his chest I nod.

"We have to go back, or he'll come looking, I'm sure, and that will make things harder on you. Now follow my lead, Riley." As he is releasing me I try to think what he could possibly mean as we are walking back to my house. As we turn the corner of the house Kyle is still standing there, and I can see the anger in his eyes.

Remington throws his hands in the air. "She is all yours. Who I thought she was, she isn't. Don't you ever lay a hand on her though or make her out to be cheap trash like you are used to. I won't stop then; I will kill you."

As Remington walks by me, I figure out what he is doing, protecting me. "Please... we didn't..." I try reaching for his arm, and he snaps it out of my reach. He isn't letting me say anything else. Kyle is standing there smiling.

When Remington looks back at me, his teeth are smashed together as he forces the words out, "Really, how long?"

I am back to whispering for some reason and it feels too real. I know why Remington is acting this way, but it still hurts. I say what needs to be said. "Last night, nothing more."

"He just comes back and jumps you in your bed, and everything is wonderful between you two. That's nice. I hope he is who you think he is, but you should have found that out first before you went to bed with him." That definitely is a stab at me, no acting.

Remington continues his rant, "I told you, Riley, you were like a sister to me, nothing more." This is almost too painful to hear; I want to run to Remington and make sure he is just saying these things to protect me.

"Ouch, that smarts doesn't it, Riley? Don't worry, Remington, things are perfect between Riley and me; it always will be." With Kyle's emphasis on always. "And, Remington, I will do whatever I want with Riley and whatever it takes to keep her happy; that is between me and her." My guts are being sucked out.

I can't take anymore, and I shout, "What does that mean, Kyle? We didn't do what you think we did, Remington." Wishing I could feel more hopeful... "Neither one of you own me."

Remington spins around at the end of the sidewalk, spitting out, "Oh, it just happened, but you don't get it; I don't care. I thought of you as a friend or a little sister, so obviously, I don't care." I would have rather had him hit me than say all these things. This isn't about protecting me; this is revenge.

"She might not have known I was going to spend the night; I knew I was. See there is one thing you don't get, Remington. She is mine. Like property you own, I know every inch of her face, her neck, and her shoulders; well, you can guess the rest." This Kyle isn't my Kyle.

Then he continues his taunt. "Damn, are you a dick when you find out who your girlfriend wants to be with, and she cheated on you. Oh, wait, no she didn't!" He is laughing by the time he finishes. _Who is this guy?_

"Shut up, Kyle, and, Kyle, you have fewer clothes on right now than you did last night!" That is all I can muster; now exhaustion is taking me. We are standing here arguing like a bunch of little kids.

I am getting ready to push past Kyle, so I can go inside. Kyle obviously wants to continue until there is a fight. Remington is back up on the porch pinning Kyle on the door again. _I want inside; everybody get out of my way!_

"I have had her heart since we were kids, or didn't she tell you? You never stood a chance, just space filler. Again, a toy, nothing more, got it?" Hate is written all over Remington as he allows Kyle to speak. He isn't allowing Kyle to move. It wouldn't take much, and Remington could end Kyle right now. _I have a commitment to fulfill even if both my parents passed away; this is what they wanted so I must go through with it._ My tears trickle down my cheeks in streams.

"Ahh damn, she wasn't honest with you, but you did know about our parents and the arrangement, but we also made a promise to each other. Oh, and I made a promise to her mom. Sorry, Remington, you weren't in the picture and never will be." Kyle chuckles as he says this.

"Kyle, you came back and now you are being a jerk." I am pleading with him to stop. Remington is looking at me then to Kyle. My tears are welling up from deeper inside of me.

"Kyle, that is something that happened when we were babies." I choke out. Kyle looks over me, literally over the top of me like I'm not talking.

"Kyle, if Riley was not crying right now, I would kill you right here. But I can't put her through anymore hurt." Remington says then spins and stomps off. "I will kill you if you hurt her again like you just did." Then he drives off.

"Go home, Kyle. I don't want to talk."

"Riley, what? What did I do?" _You have got to be kidding me._

"Just go home!" My voice is shrill, and when he looks at me, he does not question me anymore. He's gone.
Chapter 17

If I tell you a secret, you must promise to keep it. Will you? What I   
want to tell you is this: I don't think I want to be with this Kyle.   
I mean I do but I still have my doubts and that encompasses   
more than I can say right now. He's different.
Mentioning Kyle came back would be repetitive now. Not only is he here; he is here with a vengeance or some such nonsense. Part of him is different, maybe hardened. However, looking into those beautiful eyes I know my, well, I believe my Kyle is there, maybe just hidden under the surface.

* * * *

As the sun is going down, I see an orchestra of colors. Reds, yellows, and oranges play against the denim blue creeping in from the night sky. I have not seen Kyle since yesterday after school. Well, the same with Remington. I feel empty, cold and petrified. Not like I am scared, more like an old piece of hardened wood. This feeling scares me; it isn't good and I am not sure how to make it go away.

Who I am, is not who I am supposed to be, at least that is what I am hoping. Asking Kyle to give me some space would be out of the question, not with who he is now. He did leave after the almost fight with Remington in front of my house yesterday. Not willingly at that either. Well, that is not entirely true; after I lost it and started screaming at him to leave, he willingly left.

I walk into my house feeling empty, allowing myself to fall limp into my bed. Tears roll down my cheeks, so I bury my face in my pillow. The sound of knocking on my window mixes with my sobs. Jumping into the air, I quickly brush my tears off of my face. I am not in the mood for another production, not tonight; not caring enough to pick up my bat, I let her sit in the corner. Looking outside, I see Kyle. I take a deep breath and attempt to compose myself. I open my window a crack but he takes if from there, shoving it open until it clangs at the top of its sill.

"Move."

"What?"

"Please, move out of my way." I back away from the window, allowing Kyle space to get in. He gave me less than twenty-four hours not to want to kill him. Not nearly enough time.

"What are you doing here?" I ask, not sure if I want it to sound short and snappy; never mind, yes, I do.

"What do you mean, Riley, where else would I be?" He is hurt or pouting or something, but I do not care. _I'm full of I don't give a damn right now._

"That's not what I mean," falls out of my mouth dripping with sarcasm, giving him a sneer as I speak.

"So, what is it that you mean, Riley?"

"Kyle..." flies out of my mouth like a razor with every ounce of anger I am feeling, "...what you did was wrong, yesterday!" Now I want to get my point across. "I am wondering why you were coming through my bedroom window?" _Moreover, why are you such an ass? Did I mention that? Well, I should have mentioned that._

"You didn't mind me being here the other night or me using your window the other night." _Really? Is he going there? I don't want anyone to get the wrong idea; we did not even do anything but sleep._ Deep breaths, I need to take deep breaths. I have to think this out before I say something that I might not be able to come back from. _Do not bite his head off; don't do it, not yet._ _Nevertheless, he is being an ass._

Smiling at him, I calmly say, "You are right. I didn't mind you in here the other day, and I don't mind you are here now, in fact, I am happy..." _Almost sounding cheesy._ "But I did mind how you treated Remington; you were an ass. He is my friend." _I am getting good at this._ Tilting my head up a little higher, I smile at him sweetly. _I am mastering passive aggression._

Dragging me into him, he is speaking quite near my ear. "I am working, Riley, I don't want anyone to see me, and I couldn't wait to see you. I had to see you, and I am not supposed to be over here right now." I feel his heart beating hard; the tingle from his breath tickles my ear and his hands slightly tremble. He continues.

"I am so, so sorry, Riley. I was way out of line yesterday. I saw Remington and the way he was looking at you and it made me crazy thinking you had been with him. He looks at you like nothing else matters. Riles, I...I was jealous and afraid I was going to lose you. It has nothing to do with our parent's arrangement, nothing at all. It is me being a man and you being the girl I love. Please, please forgive me."

Wrapping my arms around his waist, I do like how this reminds me of when we were little. On the other hand, maybe he realizes the same thing; we have to be together for the rest of our lives so let us not kill each other. _Not yet._

He gently sits me down beside him on my bed. I bite my lip and fidget with the threads on my blanket while I sit next to him. I look down at nothing, feeling his fingers lifting my chin turning me, so I face him, and he leans into me. There is no way to hide my puffy red eyes and tear-streaked cheeks. I shrug my shoulders a little while gazing at the flecks of color in his eyes and his short blonde hair.

"You've been crying. Is it my entire fault? Can we talk?" I shake my head. I do not want to talk to him about it but yes, it is his fault.

We sit for a few moments in silence and I break. "Kyle, I don't even understand most of what was being said yesterday. I made a mistake and tried to kiss Remington, nothing else. I had already promised you I was done with him. But, you hurt me anyway and I hated you for it." The thoughts of what happened yesterday make me want to stop right now out of fear, but I know I have to say it. But, I wonder what happened to Kyle when he was gone for so long? Are yesterday's actions who he is now?

"Kyle, I don't know who you are now? You know what I was doing the night you came back? I was making a promise to myself that I was going to find you, somehow."

Kyle suddenly drops to the floor facing me, holding my hand like he is going to propose. I take a large gulp while my gaze is not leaving his eyes. _Not now, oh God not now. I am not ready for this. Oh, this is bad._

"Really, Riley?" I nod while watching his eyes become glassy; if he cries I'll be done. "Will you make me very happy and come to my graduation this weekend?" Nodding, I breathe a sigh of relief. Standing up, he pulls me into him. His arms wrap around my waist, and he looks into my eyes.

He murmurs into my hair, "I hope you don't mean that you really hated me; that would kill me. I know we had a bad day..." _Understating the obvious, it was a horrible day._ "...but it's just one bad day in the rest of our lives together. I am not here because of some stupid contract our parents made. I am here because of you."

He reiterates his desire to be here with me. "We have always been with each other every day since we were little." _I know we have always been together._ My mind is distant, and I feel him pulling me closer; if he keeps it up, I will not be able to breathe.

"Thinking of you has kept me alive the past four years. You don't have to believe me right now; I will show you how much I want to be with you."

My eyes are burning with tears. I cannot believe my body can still produce them. He continues, "Not only did I make a promise to you, but I also made it myself. When I was done with the Academy, I was going to live my life not only with you but for you." His arms are tight, and my head finally tucks into his shoulder while we stand here in our brief silence.

Now the flow of tears is finally starting to slow. "Shh, shh, don't cry, Riley; I never meant to hurt you." His voice trails to a whisper. "You kept me alive, Riley, I really mean it."

"But what about the contract..." I am unable to finish before he interrupts me.

"Don't you get it? That does not matter, any of it. I loved you before I left, and I know I love you now. Those stupid contracts don't mean anything."

"If I would have known you were going to come back..." The words choke out of my mouth.

"Shh, we are together now." He is wiping my tears from my face, with his gentle yet very strong hands.

"Will you forgive me? I had some things, training, and I could not be here when I was sixteen." He is asking me to forgive him. Ironic seeing how I was the one ready to throw us away and trying to be with someone else.

Now I see the Kyle I knew. The part I have needed to see. Kyle is the caring and compassionate person who took care of me, fought all the dragons and demons with his cardboard sword for me.

A small smile comes over my face, starting in the corners and working its way into the middle. "Yes," softly floats off my lips.

"Really?" He is slowly leaning my head back to face him, so he can see my face. He takes his other hand, picks up my hand and places it on his heart. I feel chills as my eyes drift back to his while a tear rolls down his cheek. With my hand on his heart, he slides his other hand on top of mine holding it there. "It's all yours, Riley; it always has been." We are standing here while he holds my hand firmly against his chest.

"Yes, I will go with you, Kyle. I...I want to be with you." _So pathetic, a guy turns the tears on, and I give in._ I even sound excited about being asked, and I thought it was supposed to be the other way around.

I feel his lips at the nape of my neck working all around my neck and shoulders. I gasp a little. Okay, maybe we have some electricity going between us. "Yes, yes, I want to be with you," I keep whispering over and over. _I am the epitome of pathetic._

It has been almost four years since he was pried from me, leaving my heart crushed. Four years we have been apart. And.... for now, yesterday did not happen, and I have my whole life with Kyle. When he touches me now, it feels warm, and I allow it to make everything else go away but him. My past seems like it does not exist for me, not the pain or the tears or Remington. He is the boy I grew up with and the man I am to be with.

We have not forgotten when the ground shook during The Second Transformation. When they were burying people alive in the cities it was catastrophic, but Kyle was with me, protecting me and now he is back here to do the same. His body so close I can feel the heat from it. I am infinitely aware of his chest moving in and out, his breath tickling my hair and neck. He is who I am destined to be with, his, now and to last forever.

"I have to go." His simple words whispered that break me out of my reflection.

"You can't go, not now." I say, sounding whiny and I give him a pout.

"No worries, I always finish what I start when I am not on duty."

Brushing my cheek softly, he cups my face in his hands, tilting my head just enough so I can look into his beautiful eyes. His eyes shift and move over every part of me. Moving my gaze to his mouth, I see his smile. Bringing my lips together slightly, I feel his breath on my face. He moves his fingers, and I feel them tangled in my hair.

His lips push hard against mine. My hands slide to the small of his back, and I lace my fingers around the fabric of his shirt, pulling him closer to me as I lean on the wall. He traps me against it. His tongue parts my lips. I feel my breath getting short and hard.

"Riley, don't do this to me." His words come out in short gasps. "Riley, I have to go so I don't get caught."

Not wanting to talk, I nod, afraid I might break down and beg him to stay. Kyle releases my tangled hair from his fingers, sliding his hand to my cheek where it lingers. Slowly, my eyes look to his. They are wide looking down at me; his dimples show deep in his cheeks.

"Riley, we are going to make it." As much as I try to tell my lips not to smile, it just shows up, covering my uncertainties. Then I melt back into him while he hugs me.

"I will be back soon," he promises me as he goes out the window leaving me leaning against the wall.

I know, I know this is the making of the best boyfriend ever. I can ride the fence either way.

I am not upset anymore about the arrangement; I can't be. Kyle is a good man, and I am lucky; we are lucky. In the ancient days and even now when there were arranged marriages, you do not meet who you are going to marry until the day of your marriage. Not me, we have always been with each other; for that I am thankful.

Before, if I was being naive and did not realize what Kyle meant to me, I was foolish. He is a good friend, a good man, the best. At the same time, I have this little voice that I tend to ignore telling me not to rush in or maybe step back and really look. It does not matter because I don't listen to that little voice, and eventually, it waves a white flag to surrender. There is a bigger voice telling me, this is how it is supposed to be; love doesn't matter. Like my mom said, "It will grow." So, I just need to remind myself and it will happen.

I cannot seem to talk my heart into letting go quickly or completely of Remington. My choice is that I will follow my parent's wishes; no matter how much I think about, dream about or miss Remington, I am with Kyle. And I have to find the way to let go.
Chapter 18

I once knew a boy whose father beat him, and we did nothing   
but ignore it.
Damn, I just want this school day to end. Eternity would be shorter than my day; I know it would be. If one more girl tells me my smile is nice, I am going to knock her to eternity. Really! I don't like people noticing me. I just want the school day to end so I can see him.

* * * *

He's not here! Kyle is not waiting for me. Where can he be? I can't wait any longer for him. Now, it is a matter of life or death to get on my bus; sprinting around the corner of the building I make it to the bus as they close the doors. I push them open, getting a hard glare from the driver and the guard. I can't miss it; I must not walk home. Thank you, whoever is watching out for me; I made it. The bus jumps to a start, and I slide into my seat.

Finally, as the bus doors open at my stop, there is a loud grinding as they glide across the ungreased track. Making my way outside, I stealthily move past the guards. Running down a graveled partially paved road at full speed, I pray that neither one of my ankles fail me; it would be so easy with the uneven ground to face plant. Moving so fast, I can't feel the chips of asphalt; it's like they don't exist.

My heart is pounding in my ears now; I push faster and harder. The oak tree I pass with a low hanging branch skates across my face; turning my head just a little too late, and a lot too slowly, I can feel it scrape across my cheek. Now I am approaching my sidewalk. I slow down, not caring how sweaty I am or how hard I am breathing or the scrape on my cheek, because Kyle wasn't there to pick me up at school when he should have been.

I stop outside my front door; he must be here since he didn't pick me up. _As promised._ I curse myself for all the excitement I felt, everything I was anticipating; his touch and his kiss make it hurt that much more when he lets me down. Now, Anticipation, that is an un-amazing thing; it sometimes picks you up, so you can fly, then drops you lower than your originating point, splat. That is what I feel right now, the splat.

Nothing looks any different as I look up my sidewalk. The weeds look the same, the yard seems to have the same foot-high grass, the overgrown flower beds haven't changed, and neither has the rusted handrail that leads to the porch. Nausea is building in my stomach because that is what anticipation can do; it can make you shake, make you see and wish for things that won't come. It is as bad as the word hope.

Why wouldn't he be here, at my house? I slowly wrap my fingers around the doorknob along with the idea he isn't going to be here. I am touching it carefully like it might impale me somehow. My hand is shaking as I try to turn it. To my heartbreak, the door is locked. I fumble with the key.

All this waiting, all this excitement that has been building throughout the day and he was not at school, and he is not here. It's hard not to hurt, to burn with disappointment. Maybe he couldn't come; he's out guarding whatever it is he guards. Maybe it is my fear of losing Kyle when we just found each other or maybe it is my self-doubt, but I try to push back that awful voice again telling me something isn't right. For now, I silence that voice as I remind myself he always keeps his word to me; even when it took him two years longer to come back than it should have, he did come back to me. He must have a good reason for today.

My chest hollows out as I slowly get my key and slide it into the door. I never thought a key would have so many problems sliding into a lock. It feels as if it is going into sandpaper, snagging at every chance it gets. I am standing with my head leaning against the door frame as a tear forms, and it slowly it runs down my cheek.

I have been wishing too hard for this. He never came back and finished what he started last night while he was on guard duty. This is the disappointment that comes when expectations are set too high. My expectations, well, let's talk about that. The man of my dreams? _Maybe not._ Well, the boy I grew up with and then was taken from me was supposed to be here two years ago when he was sixteen. He was supposed to take me to school, which he did. But, he was supposed to pick me up from school. I'm not supposed to ride the bus; it's dangerous Kyle said! Kyle. What are you doing? Why aren't you here? But, I must admit even though he didn't pick me up, there is something about him being back that eases my loneliness.

Maybe, he doesn't remember he was supposed to pick me up, I guess. But he was here to take me to school this morning. How could he forget so soon? Kyle is the one who insists that he drives me; he doesn't trust the other guards, or I should say Remington. I guess he trusts the guards enough because I just rode the bus, and this is the second day in a row. Remington would never allow me to ride the bus for safety or some such nonsense, and I can't help but think of him at this very moment.

I make my fingers turn the key since it does no good standing here on this porch wondering. I slide my other hand to the knob and turn. Click. Maybe I was too fast; maybe I shouldn't have run down the street. I was too fast, and he hasn't had time to get here yet; maybe that is it. _I need to stop this._ Maybe now I am just making excuses for him, but I can't settle with the thought he just doesn't care enough to show. _Again._ Still another tear forms and finds its way down my cheek, sliding down my jaw. I don't wipe it away.

The house is dark and empty, colder than this morning or maybe it's me. _It's just as hot inside as out._ Now you can understand why I am letting myself fall onto the couch; my eyes momentarily get distracted by the dust rising in the air, shimmering in the sun that filters in from the window.

Starting to stare into the abyss and pushing away the tattered quilt that many nights covered me, I let my mind drift to Remington. There he is standing in front of me smiling. His grin as we walked to the jeep or laugh when he would get me in a submissive hold. His shocked face when I blew him out of the water hitting the target with an arrow.

My mind is racing over crazy thoughts like _I wonder where Kyle sleeps. I guess with his parents wherever they moved._ I can only imagine what he has been through at their Academy; he won't talk about it, but I know it is heavy in his memories.

Setting my head on the armrest, I lay here and grimace. I pull the ragged old quilt over me; for some reason, I am shaking. Setting a pillow against my chest I wrap my arms around it squeeze it as tight as I can. I feel the life being sucked out of me day by day. I am staring into nothing particular in my living room, almost hearing everything in my life that has happened in this room. All of it, the pain and the happiness; it was all here.

Crash! Snapping back to what is real I sit up with my back so rigid it hurts...I am not alone. I take a deep breath, swearing it is the loudest one ever; it remains to echo off the walls. _Note to self: learn how to breathe quietly._ Silently I am trying to reach for the broom; my ears only can register on my breathing, slowing it. My fingertips just touch the handle as it sits in the corner behind the table next to the couch. Moving my fingers back and forth, I manage to get it in my reach.

Never has anyone been in my house that wasn't my mom, Kyle or his parents, well except one time and we don't talk about that day. I carefully unscrew the straw end of the broom off of the handle; this leaves me a good weapon that is about an inch and a quarter in diameter.

I slide my tennis shoes off, so no one hears. Now it is just my feet in my holey socks gliding across the floor. I give silent thanks to Remington for teaching me everything he has. Standing up slowly, I slide my way over to my bedroom with slow, deliberate steps, staring at the door that is slightly open. I raise the broom handle, pulling it back with my right hand and pushing my left forward slightly, pushing the door open with a slight move of my foot.

I see a dark figure, and I put everything into pulling my left hand back hard and shoving forward on my right. My mark is perfect; I could not ask for a better kidney shot. Remington would be proud.

"Stop, Stop, Stop, it's me!" His knees buckle causing him to hit the wall. He is taking a moment to compose himself, not hiding the fact he is hurt as he looks at me.

"Damn, Riley; I don't have to worry about you taking care of yourself."

"Oh, oh no, I am sorry, Kyle. I didn't know; I thought you didn't come."

"I said I would." With that, I see his hand hit the wall as he glares at me.

My voice suddenly is gone, and all I can do is whisper. "When I didn't see you at school or outside, my chest ached, and I assumed you couldn't make it. I am so sorry, Kyle." He stands to stare at me with his one hand rubbing his back. Heat from his anger radiates off him.

"Riley, that hurt but not as much as what you said." The guilt hangs over my head as I stand there not knowing what to say to undo the damage.

"I couldn't get to school. I wanted to surprise you, so I climbed in your bedroom window. Damn, guess I surprised you." My vision blurs from the tears I try not to shed.

He takes my face in his hands and is kissing my chin, my cheeks, my eyelids and now he is moving to my lips, never pulling back to look at me. He kisses me until the threat of my tears vanish.

I look at him then my hand feels something wet on his side, my eyes drop down, and I see all the blood. "God, Kyle, you are bleeding!" Somehow, I don't think if I say it calmly he will respond to me.

"What happened?"

"Well, I have this crazy ass girlfriend that just hit me, with what? A broom handle? I am fine; don't worry about it."

"No, Kyle, take off your shirt. I am sorry. I really am."

I try to get closer, so I can see what is going on, but he holds my shoulders not allowing me to see his lower back.

"Riley, I'm good. It will stop in a few minutes. Now, we need to move onto better things and in a minute after we talk I will let you make it up to me." He winks, and I can't tell if he is serious, but I will...if...if I have to.

"Are you ready for tomorrow?" I nod knowing he is talking about his graduation.

"You are not changing the subject. Let me see what I did." I insist.

"No, it isn't that big of a deal."

"Kyle, please. Can you show me your back? I...I made you bleed." He looks at me and sees the tears are back in my eyes.

Slowly Kyle starts to unbutton his shirt; then I see it. The blood is seeping through his t-shirt. Lines are diagonally across his back. It's like he is a little boy all over again. I gasp trying to hold my tears in but failing miserably. The tears start gradually and then pour out of me.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry," I say choking on my sobs.

"Why are you sorry?" His eyes look so sad it hurts to look at him. "Hey, stop that, you didn't do this. Riley, if you really feel bad...." He lets out a soft chuckle. _I will kill his dad._

"So, let's talk about tomorrow." I shake my head no to him; I am not ready to move on.

"Your dad did this?" I know he did, I don't know why I'm making him tell me.

"Riley, we don't have to talk about this, okay?" His voice makes me ache with the sadness that can be heard.

"Kyle, stay here with me."

"I can't, Riley, not if I am going to continue getting information. I need to be where I can hear things, ya know. But don't worry about me. Sorry, I didn't make it to pick you up at school."

"So, you aren't going to live with me, ever?" That's what I am taking from this conversation.

"No, Riley, that is not what I am saying. I will; we will once we move out to the camp. Right now, the best place for me is where I can hear things. I'll know if they are planning to come after you or anything else like that. I want to keep you safe." He whispers into my hair. It tickles and sends a shiver through me.

"Lie down and take your shirt off."

"Wow, Riley, no foreplay? Not complaining, I knew you would make it up to me."

I can feel myself blush as I turn away from him. I make my way to the bathroom and get some wet rags and the first aid kit. When I return, Kyle is lying on his stomach with his head turned towards the door. Carefully, I wash his back and his body is trembling in pain, but never once does he ask me to stop or does he complain. As gently as possible I put antibiotic cream on his wounds. There are four long lash marks on him. These are narrower than a belt and much deeper. All I can see is the little seven-year-old boy that would be beat but never complained. My heart breaks for him, and the thought of not being with him forever leaves my mind. I have to be with him. I ask him for the impossible, the reason.

"Why did this happen?"

I see his face contort, and it isn't from the physical pain; I know that much. "We don't have to talk about this right now."

"Please," I beg to him over and over.

"Because of you, he didn't want me to come and pick you up." My heart shatters into a million pieces.

"But he is the one who signed the contract, I know, I've seen it."

"He wanted to make sure he was the one in control. He will only ever be on what he perceives is the winning side. Stay away from him because he perceives the winning side is President Pratt. One day, Riley, I will explain everything, I promise, but not now. Okay?"

My head is nodding to Kyle, while my mind is going a speed that I have never experienced before. If I could figure out how far Mr. Kendell would go to win, it would help. Would he use me to get to the Rebels? What would he do to me to make sure President Pratt always won? My mom passes through my head; she believed in Mr. Kendell and told him everything.

Kyle's clears his throat. "Now, let's talk about better things. Tomorrow I will be here around 1:00 to pick you up." Lying down to face Kyle I wrap my fingers around his.

I get close to the side of his face while he lies there. "Kyle..." I whisper to him knowing in some way I think it will make him feel better like he has a headache. "I will never leave you." I kiss his cheek.

"Can you stay here with me? Please." I plead to him with my eyes.

"I was going to kiss you good night, but I will stay here lying down for a few minutes. I have a lot to do before tomorrow." Feeling him play with my hair sends a shiver through me.

"Don't leave me," he whispers to me.

"Never." 
Chapter 19

PS. You should love someone like you wash your hands, thoroughly  
and completely.
Today is Kyle's graduation; I am desperately trying to perfect what I am wearing. You would think with my advanced notice I would have this all done. Not me, I have a secret; I don't know how to put a little of my mom's makeup on, or a lot of it for that matter. It looked so easy when I watched her do it. This is the fourth time I have scrubbed my face. I want elegant before I don't have any skin left.

Finally, I decide; I put on a natural blush with the inside corners of my eyes light peach, working their way to a brown at the outer corner. Black eyeliner – check, black mascara – check, lips – a natural peach– check. Not to leave out the teal dress Kyle bought me with black shoes. I am ready. In the time I have left, I twist my hair and put it into a messy bun, allowing some to cascade to my shoulders.

The dress is elegant, dark teal with a well-fitted top that has a "V" that is low cut in the front between my breasts. _What little ones I have._ The back has a tight bodice that ends in a "V" just below my waist, with dark teal lace going across the opening. It does not have sleeves but then it has my favorite part, the long full sweeping skirt the kind you can swing back and forth. Kyle brought this to me after I told him I would go. It is the most expensive thing I have ever worn.

My memory goes back to when I was a little girl; I would spin and spin with my skirt coming out from me in every direction before The Second Transformation. This dress is perfect in every way, nothing like I have worn before. It replaces my cute little girl dresses for something romantic, beautiful, and elegant. I love it. _How did Kyle get this for me?_

Kyle is knocking on my front door, this time, not my window. Slowly opening it for him, I watch as he takes a step back to look at me. I am so self-conscious I am trying to cross my arms in front of my chest. He is staring at me. What, what did I do wrong? Oh, God, it's the makeup, it must be; this is embarrassing. His eyes wander up, down and back up. There is a shine in his eyes or a glisten to them, and he smiles. I can feel the heat in my cheeks as I start to step back. He takes my hands and uncrossing my arms coaxes me out the door.

"Riley, you look amazing."

"Do you think I am beautiful?" _Wow, I sound needy._

"Ya, Riles, that's what I said, perfect, absolutely amazing." _That's not beautiful; it's better!_

Kyle stands to stare at me; he is not wearing black and gray fatigue pants but nice black dress pants, shiny shoes, and a black jacket with a white shirt underneath. His tie is black and silver. He is perfect or the next best thing to perfect. If I see anything at this moment, it is that we are meant to be together, but the four years have been hard on both of us not just me.

"Kyle, you look beautiful." _That was pretty lame, but he laughs._

Then I feel rather like what I said was lacking; he looks so nice, in fact, he looks better than perfection if that is possible. As he is grinning at me, I see the slightest of slight pink to his cheeks. Is he blushing? But that can't be; he wouldn't blush at just the slightest of slight compliment from me.

"This thing is not very smooth to ride in, sorry."

"I don't mind," I say, placing my left hand on his thigh, and he smiles back at me.

We sit quietly as he drives and finally he points off in the direction of a distant hill and tells me that is where the boys' academy is. We pull in, then we are waved into a front row parking place.

"Here is our stadium."

A gasp.... "Wow, w...w we don't have anything like this."

As my eyes drift back to Kyle, I notice his eyes are on me, examining me, again. I smile my small, lopsided goofy smile to him that I get when I am self-conscious. Don't judge; it is the attention that I am not used to. Don't get me wrong; I want it, of course I do.

"Riley, not that I don't want to stay here in the jeep because I do, but we need to go. My parents will not be here, so I hope you don't mind I sat you near one of my friend's parents." Giving him the gentlest nod I can, I kiss his fingers softly while letting go of his hand, so he can get out of the jeep.

Kyle is walking to my side of the jeep never looking away from me. He pauses only for a minute, looking directly into my eyes, that says so much to me, and then he kisses me. His lips just feather mine and tingles are left on them. This isn't our first kiss, but this one feels much different than the others.

"Don't tempt me, Riles..." I just keep looking into his eyes. "... You are so perfect I want to be with you right now; forget about graduation. If I wouldn't be penalized I would take you here and now." At first, I don't understand what he is talking about but now I feel the heat in my cheeks as I look away from him.

As we leave the jeep he bends his arm in front of him, and he slides my hand in the crook of his elbow, placing his other hand on top of mine and smiling. "Thank you, Riley."

This place is amazingly large with stadium seating, with raised seating for the guards or graduating cadets as they call them, placing them near the stage. For family members they have special floor seating directly in front of the stage; others have to sit in the bleachers farther back. Technically, I'm not family as everyone else is, but thankfully Kyle has me sitting with his friend's parents.

"She is my future wife, so she sits here," he says, pointing his finger at the seat near them. They give a small welcoming nod and a smile.

"Take care of her," he tells the couple. I do not see his family; he said they wouldn't be here, so quietly I give a thank you. I can see everything here; it is so exciting to watch from the third row back. As I sit, I even notice the polished buttons on the black coats the cadets are wearing. For a brief moment, I forget about my hate for the government. As I sit here I can see it would be easy to slip and stay in this world that I don't belong in. I say a little prayer for myself and ask my mom to forgive me.

Kyle bends down and pulls me into him whispering in my ear so close that I can feel his breath. "I have to go to my seat; as soon as I can, I will be with you." Involuntarily I shiver. He kisses the top of my head which fills me with warmth and happiness that I have craved for so long. _"He makes me happy, Mom, he really does."_

As I sit here listening to the ceremony, I glance to see if I know anyone else. I know a few of the girls from passing in the hall, most of them older than I am. Then there is Julie; she has graduated three years ago. She is down in the family member area also. Why is she here? I know this is petty, and I can't help it. Just because she was a horrible creature when she was younger doesn't mean she still is. But, as I stare at her, all I see is the pampered child who lived near me.

She doesn't seem to be sitting with a family, not even her own; she is just there in her red and black gown looking stunning as usual. Okay, maybe this is me being jealous, but she shouldn't be here; this is my special day with Kyle. Maybe she just came to watch and maybe the sun rose in the west today. Nothing ever good happens when Julie is around but maybe, this time is different, and I sit trying to sell myself that idea.

My attention needs to be on Kyle today; what she is doing here is something that I can't let be distracting to me, not now. The commander calls Kyle's name. My breath gets stuck; I feel lightheaded. Breathe. He is beautiful as he walks to the end of his aisle, clicks his heels, and pivots towards the podium. As if he is walking to a song no one else hears, his moves are eloquent and graceful. When he approaches the podium, they shake his hand and give him a rolled-up piece of paper. He takes it, and as he leaves the podium, clicks his heels and walks back to his seat.

Out of the corner of my eye, I see her. Julie is excited and clapping without making a sound. So panic sets in and before I know it, I am not breathing; the world darkens a little, so I grab the chair in front of me. Breathe. Something I always took for granted was breathing and when you go without you don't stay standing.

Something else I always took for granted is that Kyle and I would always be together and more important that we would only date each other. _Okay, maybe I'm over thinking this, or it is my karma for kissing Remington._ I must work myself down to a mild anger and wait for this to end so I can speak with Kyle. I am seething and hurting all at the same time; my mind keeps flashing scenarios with Kyle, and I am not the one standing with him.

At the end of the ceremony, I wait for Kyle patiently or try to be patient while he talks to his peers. I am left standing alone from the moment he walks off in his gorgeous and sexy uniform from where the cadets are sitting. It is hard not to be in awe of him and at the same time wanting to gouge his eyes. So, I wait and watch in horror. Just as he steps on the ground, I see a flash of red and black run into him and wrap her arms around him.

I knew it! When we were younger, she wouldn't even look at him. All my air has left my body as I watch the horror of Julie hugging Kyle. Just for a moment, I think I see something in him. If the feeling of being light headed was bad before, it was nothing compared to now. Sliding my hand over to a chair I steady myself again. There is a feeling of pain in my chest, pain like I have never felt before, so horrible. I think that if the pain doesn't stop, I will die if I haven't already.

Maybe I am making too much of this. I stand; I wait in disgust and horror as I try not to stare. Forget it, I am gaping. She reaches over and kisses him on his lips. Those are my lips. I should be kissing them and no one else. Her arms around the person I should have my arms around. Trying to turn my head, I can't or maybe I really need to see this. The prickling of tears start to form in my eyes, and I have to stop them as I bite my lip. It is my mom's trick to stop tears, but it isn't working.

I am feeling lost as I glance back at him. He pauses as Julie's lips linger on his. His head tilts slightly and they remain kissing. This isn't the kiss of two people who have never kissed; this is the kiss of two people longing for each other. Suddenly, after kissing her for what seems like eternity, okay, really probably only a few seconds, he does the unexpected; he suddenly is pushing her back, away from him. Almost making her fall he grabs her arm shaking her violently; words are being exchanged with fingers being pointed.

He takes his finger and pushes it on her upper chest under her neck; I can tell she is crying. She's hurt as she tries to hold him again, but he pushes her away by taking an open hand near her collar bone and shoving her backwards, leaving her to stumble with her heels getting caught in her dress. He does not offer her any assistance.

More words are exchanged between them then he walks away. Her stare goes from Kyle to me. Kyle spins around and gives her one last look as his finger points to one of the exits. Quickly, I look down to the ground staring at the lush dark green grass here and trying to get a grip on what I just saw. Is he dating her? Was he dating her? Is that who he really loves? Out of all the people in this world to date, why her?

Jealousy is not very pretty; in fact, it is ugly on me or on anyone. So, it is time to take a deep breath and enjoy the rest of the night. _Nice try, that's not going to happen._

Kyle stands for a few moments – it looks like he is trying to compose himself – while I quickly look back down when I notice Kyle starts walking towards me.

"Before you say anything..." Kyle starts, and I cut him off.

"I'm not going to say anything," I mumble but it's a lie.

"Right, like I said, before you say anything or think something bad. Oh, who am I kidding if it were the other way around I'd be saying and thinking something bad so ask me, please."

"Do you love her?" Seeing the shock on his face, I would say that is a no.

"How could you ask me that? When are you going to understand, I have loved you since we were kids, only you."

My heart feels like it is going to come out of my chest. "Did you date her?"

"NO!" he shouts at me. "I'm sorry, you can ask me anything; it isn't fair I raised my voice."

"Did you date her?" He faces me taking my hands in his. _One of the best things ever is the feeling of his hand. Stop that! I'm pissed, I'm pissed._

"I'll tell you, so you can stop asking me questions. I was nice to her when no one else was, and obviously she has the wrong impression. I had no idea she would show up here, I haven't talked to her in weeks. Riley, it is you that I want and only you. Please believe me." _I have to believe him; wasn't that what I did with Remington._

I hear his sincerity but today I might cave to my little voice in my head. Giving him an answer I am sure he doesn't want to hear, "I don't know," is all I whisper. I see his eyes get glassier and glassier while he stands here in shock.

"Riley, didn't I give you the benefit when it came to you kissing Remington?" _That stings but it's true._
Chapter 20

Often the one who betrays you the most, will be the one closest to you.

"What? What do you mean you don't know, Riley?" The tears roll down his face as he tries to wipe them away, afraid of showing me. "Tell me."

We get back into the jeep for a very quiet ride back to my house.

"Riley, I asked you before to please, tell me."

"Kyle, don't. It just hurt to see her kiss you and you, you for a moment didn't move." _If truth be known he looked for a brief second as if he enjoyed it. That stabs. Him kissing her was familiar. That can't be._ We both sit down on my couch.

"That's it? I was in shock, Riley; what did you think? You think I liked it? God, it's just you."

"I'm sorry, I hate her." Kyle stares at me with one eyebrow raised.

"Okay I don't hate her; I dislike her and hate how she behaves. Is that better?" I am trying my hardest between words not to let my eyes leak; it is so hard watching Kyle cry. "She supports Pratt."

"No, Riley, she doesn't support anyone; her family supports Pratt just like mine."

"Are you defending her?"

"God no, I'm sure not defending her. I really don't like her much, and I won't lose you because of her when I didn't do anything wrong!"

"You aren't losing me!" I cry out. "I just need to dial it down, so I can look at the situation. If I haven't told you lately, like in the past hour. I only want to be with you, Mrs. Riley Kendell here." I point to myself making him smile.

Before I know it, he is lying on top of me on the couch, and I am feeling his kisses everywhere. He kisses down the "V" of my dress; gasping, I beg him not to stop. We lie here for hours kissing each other. Maybe it has been only a short time since he's been back, but I know in my heart he is the one.

"Riley, when I leave here tonight, I will be gone for a while."

"Why?" I see everything flash in front of me as all my doubts come rushing back to me. Julie comes rushing back to me.

"I have to go and check the border guards. Besides it will be good for us; I'll know who they are and where they are."

"Please don't go," I beg.

"I have to do things, Riley, to keep you safe. I'll be back as soon as I can and, Riley, I love you."

* * * *

It's late and I am sitting with my window open; I have been told countless times by countless people not to do it, but I still do it. My self-control is lacking, and my love for the outdoors gets the best of me. The whippoorwills are my friends although I can say I have never seen one, not one in my entire existence. Owls I love too and the katydids, long as they stay away from my plants, what few are left. I can't help it; this is my happiness, my utopia.

Drawing a little picture of what.... well, is supposed to be Kyle, though if I weren't the one drawing it I would never know. Well, the fact of the matter is my drawing looks more like a creature out of a science fiction novel than a person, let alone Kyle. He has only been gone at most an hour, and I am drawing him. It's strange how fast I am wrapping myself into him.

Setting my scrap paper down I move closer to the window, hearing the rustle of leaves, so close. If I'm quiet enough... _snap_...I could maybe steal a glance at it. _Snap._ Maybe a big buck approaching my window...that's when I notice what I don't hear; it's quiet. Shit... Shit... Shit. I dart for my front door, not sure if I am going to run. _Where would I run to?_ I try bolting it, but that didn't work before, grabbing, not my bat, she is staying in the corner, I grab my broom handle that I used on Kyle.

Just as I near the door, it flies open. With the broomstick in my hand, I pull back with my right hand and push forward with my left as I see the first guard. As fast as I can I pull my left arm back and shove my right arm forward making a guard bend over in agony. I quickly spin around and take both hands and run the pole directly into his upper stomach. My contact is good, and I listen to him cry out, **"Jesus, get the pole from her!"** A man's voice is coming from behind me while I am still swinging at the guards that have come in from my window.

The man behind me wraps his arms around me picking me off the ground. That is stupid. Using this opportunity, I kick a few guards in their face making two nose shots. Then he does the unexpected, well actually it is expected; he lets go. The wind rushes out of my lungs and sharp pain slams my side as I land on the floor.

I am not sure what's happening other than another fist makes contact with me, then stars are streaking my vision. I try to gasp for air while this one hundred seventy-pound man lies on top of me. Someone else wrenches the pole out of my hand. Still trying to fight for it, I hear a click and a sharp object is pointed at my head.

"Stop." My body tenses knowing there is a gun shoved into the back of my head. I can't even allow myself to tremble. I can't show the fear, not now, so I chomp down on the inside of my lip. Slowly, the man on top of me gets up. They quickly tie my hands with zip ties and a guard on each side of me picks me up by my arms.

Swinging back like a swing on a swing set then going forward, I shove both feet into the guard standing in front of me. He winces and tumbles to the ground all while the idiots beside me continue to hold me up by my arms. I swing my feet again but do not make contact with anyone.

**"Drop the bitch, you idiots."** And just like that, I land on my ass. They roll me over to my back as I stare at the gun knowing they must not intend to use it, or they would have.

"Zip tie her feet together until she can act civil not like some wild animal." Kicking wildly, it doesn't take long until I feel the weight on my legs and the pain of the thin plastic ties cutting into my skin.

"Do you know who I am?" _Yah, pull that card cause that will help._ "Kyle Kendell's fiancé." _I see pulling that name out is going to get me a whole lot of nothing._

"Oh really? That will make a difference to us....how?" They all give an exaggerated nod. "Of course, we know who you are, and all I have to say is one of two or so." They all start laughing at that. I guess there are more being arrested tonight. Before I can figure out what is going on a black tie is placed around my eyes.

"Kyle is going to be so pissed when he finds out what you have done."

"I'm done listening to her; take care of that would you."

"Are you going to shoot me?" I am trying to keep my voice from shaking but it doesn't work. I'm terrified. I do what my mom told me to, bite down hard again not stopping until the taste of blood fills my mouth. That's when it happens; gooey gross tape is being placed over my mouth. I can't get my lips loosened from when I was biting them.

"Bitch, if they wanted you dead, you sure as shit wouldn't be annoying me right now." I feel the tug on my arms and legs as they carry me out of my home. _This sucks not being able to see._ Sharp pain shoots from all directions as they drop me into what I can only imagine is the back of a jeep.

We drive for what seems like hours; I can't tell what direction we are going, but we finally stop. I hear metal grinding against more metal. I try to hear what is being said but it's no use; their voices are muffled, and the guards who are sitting with me are talking with each other.

"Get her out." Someone grabs the strap around my hands, and another guard grabs the one at my feet. The tears start falling as the ties bite deeper into my skin. The guards carry me holding only the plastic ties at my hands and ankles. I bite down hard on my bottom lip to stifle the screams of pain.

Finally, we stop for a few minutes. I can hear what I only imagine is a cell door swinging open. They lay me on a hard-flat cold service, and my body goes rigid. No one knows where I am, Toni or Aaron. I lie defenseless on what I am sure is a metal surface. Nothing good could come out of this.

"I'm going to cut your straps off of your ankles, then your wrists. If you do something stupid, there are five guards here all with their guns aimed at you." This voice is different, softer than the other guards. I nod slowly to him.

I lie absolutely still as I feel the release of the straps at my ankles then my wrists. This new guard continues to speak, "Relax, I am going to slide your legs over the edge and sit you up then I'll take the blindfold and tape off." He keeps his word, and I so want to go spider monkey all over him, but he also keeps his word about the sea of guns pointing at me. Then, at last, I feel the sting of my lips being ripped off my face by the tape.

This isn't one of the guards who brought me here. This kid might be in his early twenties; maybe still doesn't look as if he could grow a beard. He has a dark complexion, extremely short dark hair and is built. To be mildly said, if I weren't in this situation, I would think he was really good looking.

"Thank you." I whisper the words only loud enough for him to hear. He gives me a halfhearted nod. I read his nametag before he leaves: "Lancey." I have to tell Kyle not to kill him.

"Okay, prisoner is in; I want someone to notify Chief Kendell." Who is Chief Kendell? Must not be Kyle's dad, he would be Dr. Kendell. But if it is, I'm sure he'll get me out of here, being so close with my mom and all. Then again, I think he is the one who was there when my mom was taken but I must be mistaken.

I am instantly standing when he tells me, "Sit down and relax; this could take a while." I try to rub away they pain from the ties on my wrists and notice that I'm bleeding from them.

* * * *

Pacing back and forth, I see the guard is staring at me, and I am in the only cell here, therefore, the only prisoner to stare at. Which that in itself makes me scared, really no one knows there are any prisons, so no one will ever find me. The walls are thick concrete with only one door in. I feel like a lion in a small cage at a circus pacing back and forth. My legs start to give, it seems like it has been hours since I was brought down here. Finally, I'm sitting giving in to the temptation of this stainless-steel table.

"Sir!" That guard Lancey jumps up and salutes the officer walking in. It....it is Mr. Kendell. My Mr. Kendell, the one who is supposed to watch me but left right before my mom was taken. My heart is racing in my ears. _Remember Toni says he is dangerous, his own son, too._ He is here to let me out; I know he is. _Don't be so stupid._ Kyle told me he supported Pratt; he is wearing the officer's black pants and white shirt. Maybe Kyle left out that he is an officer for Pratt. That might have been something important to know.

"Open the cage, Lancey; let me see what she knows." Too stunned to move I sit and remain staring at him while he takes off his white shirt, handing it to Lancey, leaving him in a t-shirt and black pants. My pulse starts to race; this doesn't look good.

"Well, Riley, it's about time we picked you up. Now isn't it?" His beady eyes are looking down his nose at me. "You know something that I want to know," he says, shoving his finger into my chest.

"What? And...why...why are you dressed that way?"

"Now, come on, I have known you since you were a baby. I think we are beyond asking stupid questions, don't you?" He crosses his arms staring at me. He's mouth is moving, but the thumping of my heart is what I hear.

"I will ask nicely only once. **Where are the Rebels at?"** He is standing face to face with me, so close I could hit him, but I choose wisely and do not do it. I remember the things he did to Kyle, things he still does. "I don't have all night," Mr. Kendell says with a very impatient tone.

"I don't know." The picture of Kyle's back all cut up and bruised, skin torn from a belt, plays in my mind.

"Aww and I don't believe you. Let's play hard, Riley; you must like to. You know we found the other scattered groups, thanks to Kyle. We will find this one. So, make it easier on yourself and maybe I can get you transferred over to the work farms." Mr. Kendell sneers at me.

"I don't know." Before I process I see his fist seconds before it cuts my cheek, and I feel the warm wetness of blood ooze down my cheek while my jaw feels like it has been knocked off my face. Slamming to the floor, I take a moment to inhale.

"Kyle would never do that. He'll come and get me," I whisper while trying to assess if I can move.

"You stupid, stupid little girl. Kyle isn't coming for you; he couldn't care less. Shit, he even found a nice piece. I think you know her, Julie." The wind is sucked out of me; even as I bite my lip, I can feel the tears coming. It all comes back the guards saying one of two.

"You're lying. He'll come." My voice is shaking as much as my hands. Pulling myself up, I refuse to lie on the floor any longer, trying to take away his accomplishment of putting me there.

"Even if by some chance he feels sorry for you, he won't disobey me. He knows his place. Hell, he can recite his place and his purpose. I made sure of it."

"Yah, because all you ever do is beat him. Father of the year I think that is called."

"What would you know about a father? Didn't yours die when you were a toddler or something like that? Or was your mom just a whore and you are a bastard? Maybe, I had him killed. I can't remember when I carried that out. We are wasting time. **Where are they?"**

"You are lying and if I knew, I would die before telling you."

"Okay have it your way." Before I know it, he has crossed the floor as I just made it back to standing and he punches me in the stomach. I drop instantly and curl into a ball. I am having a hard time breathing.

"You are as dumb as your mother and look where she ended up."

"That's no way to treat our guest." My head tries to turn so I can see, but my eyes are blurry. "Chief, why don't you get some coffee while I speak with the young lady?" My blurry eyes look up to see the President, President Pratt himself. I realize right then no matter what, they are going to kill me.

"Guard, Lancey is it?" With that, the guard nods.

"Sir?"

"Help her get seated." Lancey walks over, extending his hand to me. His hand would be the last hand I would ever want to take. Since I refuse his hand he kneels down and lifts me up, setting me gently on the steel table. Not that I want to sit here but I guess the choice really isn't mine now is it? As I tremble Lancey glances at me; before anyone sees it, he squeezes my hand.

"I am sorry; Chief gets a little carried away sometimes. I do humbly apologize."

"You are just going to kill me," I retort.

"Now, I don't know why you think that. What kind of man do you think I am? You have information I need, and I am willing to make a deal with you."

"So, you are not going to kill me if I tell you where they are?"

"Sometimes things have to be done that you might not want to do, but the rewards are great, and it is the right thing."

"Like when you're little and you take someone's toy then you have to apologize to them? Because I know I never wanted to apologize to them."

"Ms. Staggs, I can see you aren't taking me seriously. Here is my offer: you do favors for me, and I do them for you. Many girls at the work farms find it lucrative to let me know what is going on in them, but for you, I might even go a little further. A house, in a contained area of course."

"So, like a dog house in a kennel? You might as well kill me. I won't do it, not today, not ever."

"I admire your loyalty, but they will be found, and don't you want to be on the right side when they are? And you are nothing more than a kid; you have no one. You say that today, but maybe tomorrow or the next day you will change your mind when you think about it. I'll be back to chat with you then, but my offer may not be available." He walks out of my cell.

"You're wrong," I reply saying it to myself, more than anyone in particular.

His back is to me, and he is walking towards the door and pauses. "I'll be sending Chief Kendell back in." He walks out, and Mr. Kendell walks in. I am not sure I am strong enough to be who I want to be as he is throwing the cell door back open.

"Give me what I need to know, and I'll let you out of this cell."

"You're a liar; you and I both know you are not letting me go."

"I never said I was going to let you go. I will just let you out of this cell."

"No thank you, Kyle will get me."

His steps are large and before I know what is happening, he picks me up by my shoulders from the steel table, shoving my body into the wall. As pain shoots through me, I can feel the tears welling up in my eyes. He holds me in place with one arm across my chest, his other hand around my neck.

"You will tell me what I want to know or what I did to Kyle will be nothing. I always told your mother she raised a spoiled brat. It is time you learned some discipline."

The sobs are starting no matter how hard I try to fight them. "I don't know..."

**"I don't believe you!"** He screams while his face turns a shade of reddish purple. I have never seen anyone so, so angry, so out of control that they are shaking.

"...I'd rather die, then you will never know. Kill me." He releases his arms and lets me fall to the floor as he walks out of my cell.

"In good time I'll do it... How did you like wearing Julie's dress?" He laughs, and it sounds like pure merciless evil.

"Lancey, no food or water until I say so. Do you understand me?"

"Yes, sir, let the bitch starve." He gives a salute to Mr. Kendell, and Mr. Kendell is gone.

I sit like crumpled paper on the ground pressing my split cheek against the cold floor. The guard Lancey is staring at me through the bars. This is going to be a long night.

"Come here, please," Lancey whispers. I move my face to look at him. "Please, you are going to need this. Please." Rolling to my knees, I use the wall to crawl up.

Pain wraps around me from my abdomen to my ribs. It is hard to inhale the sharp stabs are so intense. My eyes are allowing the tears to flow freely.

"What?" My voice is nothing more than a faint whisper. He opens his hand to let me see some bread and some crackers. I inch my way to him holding out my hands.

"They will starve you to get you to talk. Hide these behind the toilet where the pipes go into the wall." Nodding to Lancey I try to inch my way back to the toilet, hiding the food he gave me then I move to the steel table which is actually a steel bed.

"You're brave; I'll give you that." I shake my head "no" to him. Brave is something I'm not. But all these people I could never let die because of me. I see everyone's face that I know, and I could never betray our cause.

"Thank you." It comes out hoarse and crackly. I am not sure if he hears me, but I am in no shape to care. Inching my way to a laying position shivering in the cold I stare at the ceiling knowing I will die and praying they didn't do this to my mom first.

In the early morning I think, because I can't see anything to tell, I hear a loud commotion. I try to get up but realize I can't move. The door burst open to the cell room, and several guards come in carrying a wide hose. It has a huge nozzle and before I can try to move again they are spraying me with high-pressure cold water. My skin is stinging, and it washes me onto the floor over to where the wall meets the ground.

Gasping for air, I'm drowning without being in a body of water. I cough and choke spitting water out. Every time I attempt to move, they change the direction of the water and slam my head into the wall. Still unable to get up, I am in a trap; it feels my skin is ripping and there is nothing left of my clothes. I'm naked and shivering.

I'm not sure how much time passes before the water subsides. I can't even be sure if I stayed conscious through it. My body is trembling uncontrollably, my fingers are blue, and I have nothing on. I lie here on the puddle-drenched concrete waiting. My eyes go over to the guard post, and Lancey must not be on duty. There is someone new glaring at me, with cold hungry dark eyes. But I can't move out of his stare; I cannot even sit myself up straight.

I hear the clicking of the cell room door. "Sir!"

"Go take a break." Mr. Kendell is back. My cell door is swinging open.

"Where are they? I don't want to kill you. Okay, I'm lying; I do want to kill you, but I can't."

"I'm tired of that question and you are a liar," is all I can croak. My throat is raw from the coughing.

He's laughing at me. "Well, you finally got me there. It's only President Pratt keeping you alive. He won't do it forever; sooner or later he'll get bored of your games, but until then I get to question you. So, are you going to make it easy or do I have to lean over and pick your sorry excuse up?" He sets me up on my feet just, so he can punch me and watch me crumble to the ground.

"Fuck you." I spit out along with the blood in my mouth. At this point I can no longer tremble in fear from him; he's going to kill me. I can't be afraid anymore; it is my fate, so I fight back.

As Mr. Kendell laughs at me he says, "I see you still have that foul mouth on you."

"Let me tell you a story," he says while he smirks at me lying on the ground.

"I don't want to hear your stories."

"Shut-up, I am going to talk, and you will listen. Your mom came to me and begged me to take you for Kyle. Oh, and she paid, she paid lots, in fact everything she had. Your own mom couldn't stand you. Hell, to get her to trust me I only had to give her a few things and some attention. Your mom was so pathetic. Oh, I hope Kyle's significant other showing up at graduation didn't bother you too much. See, I asked her to do that. She's good and obedient."

I am trying not to listen but it's hard; I must keep reminding myself my mom didn't know. _She didn't know. She didn't know. She didn't know. Kyle is not with Julie. Kyle is not with Julie._

"My mom was naïve; she didn't know what kind of snake you are," I whisper more to myself.

"No, your mom didn't care long as someone would take the brat. My son was never going to marry you or even take care of you. You are just a means to an end with him. But, the money your mom gave me went straight to Pratt. So, in a way, stupid girl, your mom helped fund Pratt's Army. I never did thank her for her contribution before I killed her." My heart stops and I have to compose myself. He is just saying that to get me to talk.

"Kyle loves me; he will come and get me. Then, I will kill you and the world will be a better place." Now he is walking towards me, kicking water into my face. _Stupid thing to say. Stupid. Stupid._

He kneels over me. "You know what's funny; the guards that came to get you told me you had some fight in you. I don't see it."

He stands back up; the next moment I am seeing Mr. Kendell's boot come, and there is nothing I can do to defend myself. I hear a crunch reverberating in my ears and I know at least one of my ribs is broken. I want so bad to curl into a ball. As I do I feel his boot again and again into my ribs. _Not sure when it happened or why it happened, but everything has gone black. I think, am I dead? I didn't think when you were dead you supposed to still feel pain. When will the pain stop?_

As I come to, I have the sensation of being carried. He drops me abruptly bending me over the table face forward. _I still don't have any clothes on this is not going to be good._ I try to swallow the bile in my mouth, and he shoves my head with one hand into the table. I feel his disgusting body leaning on me. His breath smells like stale coffee as he shouts in my ear.

"President Pratt wants you alive but do not think I can't do whatever I want to you. If I were you I would start talking before I start getting creative."

I feel his hand caress my butt while my head is being held down. He warns me he will be getting creative and I know exactly what he is talking about. "I know you are a virgin; don't think I'm not tempted to take that right here and now." He forces my legs apart I feel him leaning against me. His right hand wedges between my legs as I bite my lip squeezing my eyes shut. My breathe catches and I am starting to gag.

"Aww this is going to be good; you despise me." My eyes water from the pain and I think I'm going to pass out. This can't be happening. Hearing the unzipping of his pants, I brace myself for what is going to happen.

"Well, since you are not going to tell me anything, I'm just going to take what I want right now."

I finally working up enough to say, "Fuck you."

"Yes, Riley, that is what I'm going to do is Fuck you. Stupid bitch."

Time feels like eternity. I feel his breath on me, his hand. Suddenly, a loud clank echoes through the room.

"Excuse me, Sir, I have a message from President Pratt. He wants to speak with you immediately regarding the Rebels."

"Fuck!" I feel Mr. Kendell release my head and I slowly collapse to the ground. "Riley, we will finish this later."

Another guard came in and saved me; if he meant to or not doesn't matter. My tears start with my trembling.

As Mr. Kendell leaves I hear, "Never let her eat or drink and if you want someone to practice on she's all yours, and you can do whatever else you want to her. She isn't that strong."

"Practice, sir?"

"You know, fighting, stabbing, use your imagination, whatever else you want to do with her. Hell, I don't care if you practice shooting her; just make sure she can still talk."

"Yes, sir. I will, sir."

* * * *

I try to collect myself, I realize I need to move and curl up in the corner, maybe over by the toilet. I'm so thirsty; I just need a drink. Am I really naked? Was he really about to rape me? It's so cold in here. I come up with a plan to get on my elbows and ease my way to the corner. If I keep moving even if it is only inching, I will be okay. With one loud clang my hope just came crashing down.

"Where are you going?" this new guard that isn't Lancey is asking me? All I do is shrug to him.

"Oh, over there, you want to get over there by the wall?" I am nodding. His voice is soft and nice to listen to.

"Okay, I'll help you." He looks so familiar but I can't place him but I don't think I'm thinking right or maybe my mind is playing tricks on me.

"Thank you," I whisper.

My eyes just stare down at the floor. He puts one of my arms over his shoulder. the other one around my waist. This kid is about my age and blonde. I am petrified of what he is going to do to me. He pushes me up against the wall.

"Well, chief isn't lying when he said you aren't strong." My eyes still advert his.

"You are beautiful." He is holding me there with his hand around my neck, still sore from Mr. Kendell choking me earlier. He stands back and stares at my nakedness. It's hard to stop the trembling.

"Now, I don't think you are strong enough to do anything but just in case, don't. I'd hate to shoot you. Can you stand here?" Nodding to him, I feel my eyes grow large watching him take his shirt off. _Somebody make him stop._

"Stop trembling, please." His t-shirt comes off next and I get a slight waft of lemons mixed with freshness like outdoors.

He's putting his uniform shirt back on. Almost losing my balance, I sigh with relief. "You thought I was going to hurt you?" I nod back to him. _I did._

"Put my t-shirt on. I am not going to hurt you." His face is squishing up, absolutely sick by the idea. He helps me over to a small dry area of the cell for sleep unless I want on the table, and all I can say is not going to happen. He walks out of the cell and back in quickly bringing me his jacket.

As he turns to walk away I try catching his hand only managing to brush against it. I am feeling lucky because that is all it takes for him to meet my eyes.

"Thank you, thank so much. I wouldn't make it without your help." Whispering is all I can do after being strangled by Mr. Kendell. 
Chapter 21

Without the kindness of strangers, my world would be in the dark.   
It would echo and be empty like a long forgotten well with only  
the color of red at the bottom, blood red from the fallen.
Not able to open my eyes, my mind drifts back to when I walked into the school entryway and Kyle had said, _"Riles, I only want to see you, and I will only see you. Don't you get it?"_ It made my heart sing. But those words are doing flip-flops in my head making my heart ache now. My mind continues a loop, replaying those words. His graduation I had gone to, it's just been...wait, I don't know how long I have been here. I guess a day or two, no, that isn't right but that's when I saw Julie kiss Kyle and he kissed her back. They have done it before. _Her beautiful dress the twisted look of pain, of hurt on her face, Kyle yelling at her...to be pushed aside._ Was it all a play to get information from me?

Kyle's dad did the oldest dirtiest thing in the book. He sowed the seeds of doubt and they are growing like they have been well watered. Kyle loves me. He said so himself.

* * * *

A scream echoes from a girl that day at school and the chaos in the entrance lobby. My heart broke then too. Amongst the solid gray I saw a circle of guards around a girl. She was heavier set but beautiful, strong and fighting as she held her stomach. Panic filled her eyes. "She should stop before they shoot her," I said but maybe secretly I was happy seeing someone fight back. Selfish thought of a horrible person. Am I? Her voice was so high pitched, shrill as she screamed "NO" over and over again, swinging her arms blindly, attempting to break free from the arms that bound her. She made good contact on a few of her punches, and you could hear the guards yelling obscenities. If someone would just stop them and help her but no one would, including me, all of our feet were planted and we just stared on like it was a form of entertainment.

Standing on my toes trying to peer around the guards, I wanted to know who this girl was. It wasn't someone that I talked with, but I had seen her. I could clearly see now she was pregnant. She tried twisting out of their grip. As I stood in horror then, I watched the guard pull his arm back, make a fist and then land it square in her upper stomach. Her beautiful body crumpled to the ground in shrieks of pain. Promptly two guards picked her up by her arms allowing her feet to drag along the ground as they walked out of the doors. You could see her blood soaking her pants as the doors closed.

Now this is plaguing my mind in place of Julie and Kyle as a momentary distraction if you will. I have to escape this cell. I don't think I can take anymore. Even though the water didn't truly rip my skin, it did leave me with a gash in the back of my head; touching it I feel the warm stickiness of blood. I smell its metallic odor. I have got to get out of here. Mr. Kendell will come back and he will rape me. The thought sends tremors through my body. The room is spinning, and I slip into a deep sleep. I seem to be drifting in and out.

Later the same day I found her sister crying in the bathroom. "This isn't good; the guards will find her." Wrapping my arms around her I tried to comfort her while her tears fell. Finally, she told me her sister was pregnant; and the baby's father was a guard who dumped her. The guard's name was Garret Harding. Yes, that's him, the one who was bothering Toni around her house. I wondered while I comforted her how many this makes for Garret. She asked me if I thought they would let her go if he changed his mind. So, I lied and said, "Maybe."

Later that night I balled my hands into a fist and beat on Kyle's chest. Screaming and blaming him.

"Wake up! **WAKE UP!** " My eyes can't open even though I am aware of the screams. Damn, this is not a dream. Suddenly someone picks me up. I tense only to fall limp in seconds, unable to be cognizant of anything.

* * * *

I am having a nightmare. I jerk myself awake, now feeling the pain shoot all around me. My body is tight with apprehension as my eyes explore. _Where am I?_ _Better... who is he?_ I see a nose inches from mine and someone's eyes staring at me. His skin is dark, his eyes darker; he has clearly not bothered to shave in a few days. Searching my mind, I realize its Lancey the guard.

My hand moves to the part of my skull that I am sure is missing only to have my fingers feel the tangled, matted hair. Dried blood is coating it. His hand is moving quickly to pull mine down. My head pounds, and my hands slide down to my temples and stop. I attempt to hold my head steady and hopefully the room will stop moving.

He tucks his head down to look me in the eyes again. "Don't pull those stitches out. I'm not putting them in again.

"They know I have you; someone from the rebel camp was supposed to come and get you, but with the attacks on the rebel camps, they can't get out here. You weren't going to make it with Kendell; he was going to kill you or worse before Pratt could ever put you into the work farm." My head looks up and my vision starts to clear as he is looking for his keys.

"I have to hide you, and I'm not sure where yet. Right now I am going to put you in one of the dumbwaiters; it has been broke for a year at least." My eyes grow wide with fear.

"Relax, there are three others in perfect working order. Not long. You won't have much space, but it will be enough. Stand and move a bit. Make sure you do that," Lancey says.

"Thank you," I whisper. My right eye is almost swollen shut; I only have a slit of vision.

"Oh, don't thank me yet; you are not going to like what I do next and let's see if you get out of here, then you can thank me." _Should I be afraid of him?_

We are in darkness as he pushes a door open with his shoulder. He shoves me on the bottom of what seems to be a miniature elevator shaft that is rough wood and only a cubby at that. I sit with my knees bent, giving thanks I am not as tall as Toni.

"Don't move." He disappears briefly, returning with a blanket he throws over me.

"I know it isn't great, but it will work," he mutters. What he doesn't know is how grateful I am. The blankets, his help, and another guard last night; I am thankful for all of their help. Why are they risking their lives for me? They don't even know me.

"You're staying here in the dark until someone gets here to pick you up. It's all I can think of and before I leave, open your mouth; you need this." He has a packet of something in his hand. I shake my head no to him.

"It isn't a question; it is an order."

Panic starts in the back of my throat. I want to scream but I can't. He pries my mouth open dumps the packet of powder in. His palm shoves against my chin; I am unable to spit whatever it is out; with the wall of the cubby behind me I'm trapped. My stitches instantly remind me to stop fighting. He opens a flask and with another hard shove it is in my mouth and he tilt my chin up. The liquid that is pouring into my mouth burns all the way down while I swallow. After a few minutes to keep me from spitting the liquid out, he releases my head. My throat feels like it is on fire. I cough hard for a few minutes staring at him.

"Sorry about that. Damn, if you weren't so stubborn when someone is trying to help you, it would go much easier. I will try to bring you something to eat and drink later," Lancey says while he smirks at me.

"What was that?" I ask, although it does not really matter now; it is too late.

"Wasn't poison if that is what you are worried about." I shake my head no to him.

"You are terrible at lying. Really strong pain reliever and some good old one hundred proof. Hopefully in few minutes you will be sleeping like a baby." With that I giggle, I don't know why. It isn't funny and when I giggle it hurts. The way he stands is funny; his words sound funny, so I giggle again.

"Glad to see it is kicking in already. You must be a real light weight."

"It isn't; my head still hurts," I say with a pout.

"Your head hurts because you were fighting me; next time don't. Time for me to go. I have to get you out of here before the search starts." I feel tingling in my stomach, not sure what... I'm scared; no, terrified.

"Stay, please." I am still trying to pout; after all, it works on Kyle then I giggle.

"Goodnight." Lancey puts his hand on the door to this coffin that I am in.

"Don't go," I plead with him. He looks back at me.

"You need your sleep; you need your strength."

"But where am I? And I'm scared to be alone here."

"You are below the president's house. I know you are scared but go to sleep."

He sounds like my mother, and that is funny too. He shuts the door, and I can hear the slide of a dead bolt. Now, I want to panic... a lot. Next thing I try to figure out is if my eyes are open or shut while this feeling of relaxation and warmth starts flooding me. I decide right then this is a great feeling, if it would only last.
Chapter 22

Just let me sleep.
"Wake Up, wake up!"

"Stop it; I'm awake! You are annoying."

I want to hit somebody. My eyes start to open; I am acutely aware that I've been hit and unable to open one eye. My head pounds. I frown at him the best I can but get no reaction from Lancey. Things are slowly coming into focus.

"Eat this." He shoves more bread in my hands; he then gives me a small flask of liquid.

"Dump this on your tongue and take a drink." My other hand has a small pouch of powder. I do like I was told this time. He doesn't have to force me; I want it.

"Hey, slow down on the drink; you have to be able to help me. We're leaving here in less than an hour, and it isn't going to be easy."

"Oh, sorry. I'm thirsty."

"I bet you are." Lancey mutters.

"What happened to you? Because of me?" I point to his eye which is twice the size it should be like mine.

"Did Mr. Kendell do this?" I ask, trying to keep my voice from betraying how scared I am.

"No, this is what happens when you don't want Chief Kendell to do something. Some friends knocked me around."

"You need better friends."

"Right now, if things stay the same – they think you already escaped – they are sending search parties out. Well, that's what they call them; really they are out in force to kill you. I am going to have to go with you."

"How long have I been asleep? And is Kyle coming?"

"About fourteen hours." I cringe a little. He turns to walk out.

I ask again, "Is Kyle coming?" Slowly he turns to face me. He shrugs and I see it in his face.

"I don't know where he is. Before you ask me, I don't know him that well but since he started the academy he always talked about a girl that is waiting for him." Suddenly I let out a breath that I didn't know I was holding. "Oh, and so you know Kyle hates his Dad. Mr. Kendell was trying to break you."

* * * *

Keeping his word, in an hour Lancey is back. "See if you can move," Lancey whispers to me.

"I can move."

"It won't be as easy as you think. How many times in your cubby did you stand up?"

"A few."

"Exactly, turn your legs this way and let me start rubbing them."

"Sure..." I giggle.

"Not... no..." Lancey lets out an exaggerated sigh.

"You aren't saying anything to me." I am trying to smile to him and it feels numb... I can't tell, no, I can't feel my face and that's funny, I like it.

"Cause you are drunk," Lancey mutters sounding absolutely put off.

"Am not. Is Kyle alright please...please, tell me if something has happened to him."

"He knows the risk; we all know the risk."

"What does that mean?" I ask, trying to control the panic in my voice like it is coming out of a stranger or a tin can. As soon as the panic passes I feel something else, tingles in my legs.

"You are tickling me."

"Right now, I'm not touching you."

"I feel you."

"No, you feel your legs coming back to life, the blood circulating."

"Make it stop; it doesn't feel so good now."

"Okay, you are a freaking shit show right now." He lets out a loud sigh shaking his head at me.

"Where's Kyle?"

"I don't know. We have covered this."

"Is he hurt?"

"He knows the risk."

"What does that mean?"

"It means he knows who his father is. He chooses to protect you at all cost like the rest of us." I feel the tears coming.

I feel Lancey pick my chin up. "Don't be a sad drunk."

"I'm...not...d..d..runk!" As he starts to bend over trying to get me to stand up, I reach my finger toward his eye stopping inches from it.

"What, for the love of God, what now?" I don't think Lancey is happy with me.

"Your eyes are pretty, but they are swollen." I give him a small smile.

"Thanks, I guess. Now, see if you can walk." I see him shaking his head at me. "Straight, I mean straight, like in a line."

I try to smile big, but my cheeks are gone, numb or missing. I don't know where they went so I nod to Lancey.

"Okay, this is a disaster. Why don't I carry you to the passageway?" Lancey offers.

"I would love you to carry me." I try to sound seductive.

"But you have to shut up," he grunts.

"Okay, but you said your friends beat you up? Why'd they do that?"

"I also said shut up."

"That's rude," I complain pouting at him.

"If I tell you about Remington do you promise to shut up?" Lancey offers and I wrap my arms around him, attempting to hug him.

"Mmhmm."

"He's in the tunnels; you will see him soon."

"Where in the tunnels? Is he with Kyle?"

"That's it. I'm gonna tape your mouth."

True to his word, he walks across the room from me, digging through the drawers of the cabinet. His hand shoots up with a roll of tape. It isn't as sticky as the tape they put on me before. This tape is silver with white adhesive and smells funny. Not that the others smelled good. My lids are heavy as Lancey scoops me up. I wrap my arms around his neck and lay my head on his chest.

My eyes close, but my mind does drift back to the poor girl in school and my fight with Kyle afterward. Walking to the front door with Kyle and everything that had built up during the day, I let go. Not that it was Kyle's fault what happened today. Taking my fist and facing him I hit him over and over; it all comes out.

"What is wrong with you?" He yells then I hit him again with both fists.

"How could they do that?" I move back and forth. He is pulling me closer to him, and I pull back with all my weight. Finally, he puts both of my wrists in one hand and spins me around and locks me against him. I am no longer facing him, and I can no longer move.

Feeling his breath by my ear, he whispers to me. "It's alright, Riley. Talk to me; whatever it is we can talk." I thought then he really loves me. He has to because no one else would put up with that.

My body falls listlessly into his arms. Feeling his breath tickling my ear, I start my story. "They just took her, drug her out of school like a criminal, no worse, like an animal that had never been broke to lead."

"Took who?"

"I don't know, some girl."

"What?"

"They took her because she was pregnant. What is wrong with this? Why?"

"I'm sorry, I know that doesn't help," he whispers to me.

"What are they going to do to her?"

"No. I won't tell you."

"What? You have to tell me. What happens to her and the baby?"

He lets out a loud sigh. "I know I will have to tell you. Any chance you will let this go if I don't tell you?" With that, I shake my head no. He knows me too well. "You are not going to stop until I tell you, are you?"

I nod. "Please."

"The girl was probably taken to the MedFac."

"And what will they do to her?"

"Riles, they take girls that they consider problems, get them healthy and make them work manual labor. She will be in the work farms, you know the growing fields, or making uniforms or the sewer system. Wherever they need labor." He shrugs his shoulders.

"What about the baby?" His arms tighten around me again, and he rests the side of his head on mine.

He released his arms that were holding me, and I turn back to face him.

"Please, I want to know." His arms are back around me pulling me tight, so I fit under his chin.

He whispers to me as if that would make it easier to hear. "They will abort the baby; sometimes it does not matter how far along she is." My eyes start to burn as the tears try to fall. "Or maybe they will sell the baby to someone else." And I know he is trying to protect me with the last part.

"They can't abort the baby; she was too far along by the looks of it. They'll kill both of them. Why can't they let her keep the baby?" We stand there still in silence. "I didn't know I didn't know they did that. It's horrible. I should have helped her."

"Riley, there is no redemption, not here. She would have been an inconvenience to the guard who got her pregnant."

"It was a guard. It wasn't her fault and she shouldn't have to pay for it the rest of her life. Th... The baby is innocent." Feeling red hot anger, I snap. "Would you let that happen to me?"

"What!" _His mouth clenches shut, and I watch the muscles tighten in his mouth as I glare at him._

"I mean if it was me, would you let them take me?"

"My God, Riley, how can you ask me that?" That hurts him more than anything else I could have said. His eyes almost look glassy, almost like a tear is going to run down his cheek. He swallows hard.

"Riley, I would do anything for you. Haven't you figured that out? If that ever happened and we weren't married, I would marry you the next day. I love you." My mind is racing all over trying to digest everything and the stupid things I have said since I have seen Kyle. Reaching my hand up and sliding it on the side of his face I pull him down to me.

"I'm sorry," I whisper to him. "I know you will always take care of me." I give him a little smile, he moves and kisses the top of my head

"So, this doesn't come back in a few days between us, Riley, I didn't mean they were right; I just told you what happens. That's all, and there is nothing you could have done to help her." His eyes still show how hurt he is as he looks at me.

"That is the worst law ever," I say standing with my arms crossed in front of my chest.

"Riley, I didn't say it wasn't. Why are we fighting? Baby, I'm on your side."

Feeling his arms wrap around me again, I let him pull me into his chest.

"Ssshh..." he murmurs into my hair. "You are right, and I am sorry too. Let's sit and relax, please." All I wanted was to be held by him back then.

As my tears begin to let up he whispers in my ear again, "You know, Riles, I can't resist you; it will always be this way, you and me. You are to die for, Riles, to die for." He is the best boyfriend ever. Facing Kyle, I look up tracing every part of his lips with my finger, and where his dimples are. He smiles then I pull myself back into his chest tucking my head in the curve there that was made for me.

My head starts shooting pain making my eyes open, bringing me back to where I am. I try to stifle my thoughts, but I can't. My face is wet with tears. Why did I fight with him? It was so stupid; I yelled at him over something he has no control of. What if I don't see him again?

Minds are funny when you think they are going to stay focused on one thing; they may surprise you with something else equally painful. 
Chapter 23

Life is a maze and like a mouse running through one,   
I have to watch for the traps.
Being shoved up against a wall is not what I was expecting to happen. _I don't know; maybe I thought this would be a walk in the park._ If my mouth could I'm sure it would fall open right now; thankfully it is still taped, or it might have, well no might about it. Although I like to think that I am in control, I would scream. Loudly and long. My hands are swinging frantically at Lancey's arm, attempting to get out of his reach. After he looks around the corner, he turns back to me and glares. Shrugging my shoulders to him only makes his glare narrow as he shoves me into a bathroom.

Leaning into me Lancey whispers, "Not a sound, there is a search party coming down the hall. You aren't going to like this; just know it is for your own good and shut up."

Staring in disbelief as he opens a linen closet I am shaking my head "no" as he tells me to get under the bottom shelf. He is keeping my mouth taped as he pushes my head down hard with his strong hands to get me tucked into the closet. Although my hands are free, I still do not remove the tape. Within seconds after he quietly closes the closet door then I hear a knock at the bathroom door.

"What? I'm busy." Hearing the knock then Lancey's voice sends panic coursing through me. He is so calm; how does he do that? I hear the door latch; he is opening it. They are within a few feet of me. There is only a thin door keeping me from being discovered. _I'm going to pee myself._

"Can't I take a piss in peace?" Lancey sarcastically says to whoever is there.

"Move," I hear another man say.

"Lancey, you know the drill; we have to search everywhere."

"Be my guest and when you are done fuck off." I picture him stepping back and waving them in like he is having a party.

I am trying to remain calm but I'm panting like a dog, and I'm sure they will hear my breathing. Is he crazy telling them that? I'm right here. I watch the shadows of their feet under the door. I am trying not to hyperventilate between the pain and the guards being so close I could touch their toes. My chest heaves, my nostrils flare, and I can't get enough air, but I'm afraid to un-tape my mouth; it is the only thing keeping me from screaming. _What is it that Remington would say, steady and slow or was it slow and steady?_

"It's me" is quietly being spoken. Hearing his hand on the door, I close my eyes and pray he will be turning it. I squint as the light floods in, while Lancey opens the door. His hand is in front of me, and I am thankful for everything he has done.

I point to my mouth. "Okay, I'll take it off if you can keep your mouth shut." I nod.

He peels a corner off then rips it the rest of the way. My lips sting with the removal of my skin.

"Ow! Why did you do that?"

"Would you rather me take it off slowly so you can feel each piece of skin as it tears off?"

"I would rather you not tape my mouth shut." Saying this I feel somewhat defiant.

"Seriously, you couldn't keep your mouth shut."

Glaring at him, I then cross my arms, but cringe with pain.

"Go ahead and pout; I don't care. We have to go up a narrow flight of steps to the safe room. We can enter the passageway from there." _I wonder just how far under Pratt's house are we?_

He then takes a deep breath and starts in a gentle voice, "Riley, can you make it?" I nod, knowing it's the only way out.

I try to take a deep...oww, no, that didn't work, only shallow breaths from now on. And I proceed to change the subject. "Why is it a safe room if it has passages and tunnels that lead out?"

"To escape." As he says it I get the impression he thinks I am stupid for asking.

"Are you sure you are up to it?" He raises his eyebrows as he asks. If I didn't know better, he almost sounds concerned.

"I was ready before I ever came here. Let's go." _There, that made me sound tough but wow it's a lie._

He leads me down the hall to the steps. _I think these steps were sounding easier when I was still in the bathroom._ Fifteen, that is all there is, and this is the fourth time I am stopping. How embarrassing. It's not that I am huffing and puffing because I am out of shape; don't get the wrong idea. Nope, not me. It is the sheer pain, but Lancey is allowing me to lean on him. His arm is around me, afraid to squeeze out of concern for, well, most of my entire body. _Mr. Kendall was nice enough to use me for soccer practice._

Lancey has put the kibosh on giving me any more pain medication or alcohol; he claims I have had enough. I am reassuring him that I have not had enough, even though he thinks I cannot think straight with it. Who cares about that? I just have to follow. What does he know? But since he has it and he is not giving it up, I guess I have to listen to him.

Once we reach the safe room, there is a series of doors with locks that Lancey uses different key cards to get through. The last of the heavy metal doors swings shut, and Lancey turns the lights on. The "safe room," as they call it, is bigger than my whole house. I am standing here in astonishment. There is a full-size kitchen, a bunk room, a weapons room, and a sitting area with all sorts of electrical devices. The room on the inside betrays its concrete outer walls; it has painted walls with massive wood trim with delicate carvings in the crown molding.

"Are you okay?" Lancey asks. Even though I am mad, really mad at him about the pain medication, I truly believe he is a saint. All this, all this he has done for me, and he doesn't even know me.

I give Lancey a small smile and a nod. Things are not right. There is a crunch that reverberates in my ears from my side every time I inhale or move. My right eye has lost all vision, and my head has an automatic hammer hitting all sides at once, but I am choosing not to tell him. I'm fine; I have to be.

After I thoroughly check out this room, I hear a loud crash as Lancey breaks the door into the weapons room and grabs several automatic rifles then slings them around his shoulder. He hands me a pistol and then asks me if I can shoot it. I slowly nod to him _. I can shoot. It doesn't mean I can aim it. Apparently, Remington hasn't shared that with him._ I tuck it neatly into the back of my pants.

"Can you stand here for a minute?" Again, no words. I nod, trying to move as little as possible.

I watch him as he fumbles through some books on the bookcase and pulls a lever which I would think would have opened the bookcase up, and wah-lah! Presto, a hallway, but it isn't like that. He walks to the side of it, drops his shoulder and pushes. It moves slightly, so he moves, turning his whole side into it. I am watching the bookcase inch its way across the opening.

Shit, another steel door. He moves things, and I try to watch.

**"Damn it!"** My body jumps slightly from his outburst.

"What?"

"They have us on lockdown; they changed the code." He is in deep thought staring at a keypad.

My anxiety is rising, my breath shortens, and my hands are shaking. _I am going to have a heart attack._ I know I won't make it if I stay here. I'll break inside and out. I am watching Lancey pull out something from his pocket and start taking apart the keypad.

"Do you know what you are doing?" My voice is trembling, matching my body.

"Of course, I do..." His voice quivers, so I'm not convinced in the least. "If I keep trying codes, we run the risk of setting off the alarms. Then they will pinpoint exactly what room we are in."

"Great."

My eyes burn with tears as Lancey opens the cold heavy steel door. _He does know what he is doing._ What blocks me from my freedom is now open. Quickly my tears turn into sobs. He waves me forward then stops me and wipes my tears. As I pass him my arms wrap around him. I bite my lip but find it isn't helping; I'm still sobbing.

"Thank you," squeaks out of my mouth.

"Hey, it is okay, but we aren't out of here yet; we have a long way to go. Thank me when we are out."

I nod to him as he closes the door, breaking the keypad. "Someone will notice the bookcase soon. We have to keep moving." Lancey grabs my hand and pulls me along. "We can't stop." My body's exhaustion kicks in. I'm no longer able to even acknowledge him.

Swearing that I hear someone around every corner coming for us allows fear to motivate me. We are in a gray concrete shaft. We stop near a door that is rusted closed. Lancey pries the old door, and it reluctantly lets loose of its corroded seal. Picking up my hand, he helps me through the doorway. He slams the door shut once we clear it. We walk down the narrow-raised sidewalk next to tracks.

"What is this place?" I have never seen anything like this in real life, only in old books.

"They used to have public transportation. This is it, also known as the subway." This fact would on another day would absolutely fascinate me, but not today.

There isn't much room for us to walk but he is managing to keep his arm near me supporting me. We can't slow down; I try to keep his pace, but it is becoming increasingly difficult.

"Stop, please," I beg.

"Just for a minute."

"Thank you, that's all I need." _I lie._

Only being able to lean against a wall, I am looking around. Lancey's narrow flashlight aluminates a minimal area of the wall. It is enough to see the multitudes of color. It is a shrine to the artists of the past. Graffiti – they used to call it – was done as a form of expression. Some vandalized with it but most was an expression of the artist. I gawk in astonishment at the bright colors, the faces, the numbers; it is preserved down here in its coffin, the last few remnants that have not been destroyed by The Second Transformation.

We continue for what seems like hours for Lancey to tell me again we are almost there. At this point, I believe he may be lost and a large sigh escapes me.

"We're not lost, you know, have faith." Am I that easy to read? We are nearing a fork, and I hope he knows which way to go. I am so tired, I just can't...

"Stay here." Lancey half whispers to me.

"Why?"

"I don't suppose because 'I said' is going to get me anywhere?" I can barely see the smirk on his lips.

"No." Just being honest with him.

"How about this: I need to make sure the way out is clear."

As I am shrugging my shoulders to him, he takes off. As I stand in the dark acutely aware of the distant echoes coming from the direction we were just walking, I can feel the hair rise on the back of my neck. Now I hear two sets of footsteps in the direction Lancey just ran down. I hop quickly down on the tracks, knowing the pain will catch up with me for doing this. I duck my head and take cover pulling the handgun from the back of my waistline. Quietly, I crouch behind the concrete sidewalk while I stand on a steel track. As the footsteps get closer, I rest my arms on the top of the sidewalk, remove the safety, anchor myself and aim. _Who am I kidding?_

I will shoot whoever comes around that corner. _Or try._ Keeping my mind focused on everything I have been through, I wait, I aim, and stop!

"I almost shot you!" My voice echoes in this hollow shaft.

His arm stretches out, and I take it. As he pulls me up to him, I ignore everything in my body that says do not move that way. I let him wrap his arms around me.

"I didn't think I would see you again," I whisper into his chest.

"You look awful, and you couldn't hit me if I was leaning on the barrel of the gun, but let's get you out of here." It is that sweet familiar voice he has that I have not been able to hear for so long.

"Remington, Riley, I hate to break up this fan-fricking-tas-tic reunion but, they know, and they are coming. Let's get out of here."

Remington scoops me into his arms, and we run. It hurts bad, really bad as his feet pound the ground. We don't look back; we keep going. As we make it into the sunlight, I have to shade my eyes until they adjust. I see nothing but waist-high weeds, evergreen trees, and absolutely nothing else. No Rebels waiting to rescue me, no jeeps waiting to take me away, nothing.

As we enter the evergreens, Remington sits me down and says I have to run on my own. He latches his hand onto mine. As we begin to move, I'm not sure if this is running; he is dragging me like a kite on a string. He is ridiculously fast. I lose track of Lancey and say a silent prayer that he is alright.

Pulling back on Remington's hand, I ask, "Where is Lancey?" I can't go without him.

"Keep going. He is running decoy."

"What! No! He will get killed!" Glaring at the back of Remington's head is getting me nowhere.

As I am trying to slow my feet down he pulls me harder. No one can die, not because of me. I take everything in me and belt out, "Stop, Remington!"

"What?" The surprise is evident in his voice.

I cry out to Remington, "I can't let him die!"

"He knows what he is doing, and you can't make what he is doing in vain, move." But this isn't right.

We pass the evergreens; now we are in an area with tall trees. Remington tells me not much further which is good because I can't take much more. Below my knees it is numb; I am afraid soon I will start to stumble. Just then I hear the tin echo of a shot being fired, then another, then all of a sudden it sounds as if the woods have come to life with guns.

Squeezing my eyes shut, I pray that Lancey is somewhere safe but where is safe? My feet start to stumble. Within seconds there is an arm under my knees scooping me back into Remington's arms. Wanting to pass out I let the black abyss take over.

My eyes open as he places me in his jeep. Remington explains those are the good guys in the trees waiting for us to go through. When I ask him who, I get the impression I have annoyed him. My eyes are starting to drift when I catch someone running towards the path we are on. As Remington gets us ready to leave, could it be?

**"Stop!"** I yell, grabbing Remington's arm tight. In horror I recognize who it is. There is blood gushing down the left side of his shirt.

"Lancey, oh, no, not, no. Remington, help him; please don't let him die."

Remington is halfway to Lancey by the time I finish my plea. He drapes Lancey's arm around his neck and hoists him into the back seat with me. Remington is jumping into the front seat, and we take flight. As we drive the pitted rock trail, I climb over Lancey trying to see through my tears of pain. I need to find out where the blood is coming from. I take a knife and quickly cut his shirt away.

Looking into the rearview mirror, Remington sees me, and nods to my expression. I feel the jeep lurch forward as Remington drives faster. Grabbing Lancey's blood-soaked shirt I am holding it tightly against the hole that is in his left shoulder. It's funny how the universe plays with time at a time like this. It just stops.

I never thought we would end up anywhere; we drive, and then we drive farther. Remington is telling me the same thing Lancey was in the tunnels: "Not much farther" or "We're almost there." These are two phrases that really have lost all meaning. I am watching the blood drain out of Lancey as his face turns ashen; my heart is racing. I can't let him die.

We pull into a camp, but we never slow down as I watch people move out of our way. We stop in front of an old, large wooden building. Remington pulls Lancey out of the jeep and I watch in horror as his body goes limp, nearly falling to the ground until Aaron appears and slides Lancey's arm over his shoulder. The two of them drag his body off into the building.

Trying to race into the building after them, I make two steps out of the jeep and my vision fades to black.

*  * * *

When I wake up, I am in bed, with a needle stuck in my arm and Toni is standing over me. Reaching out, I touch her to make sure she is real.

"Toni," squeaks out of me like I am part of the old rusty door from the tunnels.

"You made it, sis; I was getting worried about you." She gives my hand a light tug. "You're finally home." She smiles and whispers to me, "Next time, just come here first instead of stopping by Pratt's house. It'll be a lot easier."

In my squeaky voice I whisper, "But it was such a nice invitation; I had to stop by there first."

Feeling the familiar burn in my eyes as a tear slides down my cheek, I realize I am truly home.
Chapter 24

I sobbed for days after my mother was taken; it didn't bring her back. I have cried when I saw guards striking people, relentlessly; it didn't stop them.
"Lancey." All I care about is if he is alright; nothing else matters to me right now.

"Princess, well..." I brace myself for the bad news from Remington. "...he's alright, thanks to our fantastic team led by Jada and Napai. Those girls can piece together anyone, including you."

Smiling at Remington, I wave him closer to me. He leans over me placing his ear next to my mouth. In the most innocent voice I can muster I whisper, "If you call me princess one more time I'm going to shoot you."

"I would laugh, but I think you really are serious." I nod and he continues. "Luckily, princess, you can't aim worth a shit."

I whisper, "I hate you," while he smirks.

"Nah, you don't." I want to punch his smirk off of his face. The truth is I don't hate him; I've tried but it doesn't work. In fact, we have both tried to hate each other over Kyle but we still, well, talk.

But Remington always comes to my rescue even when we pledge our mutual hate to each other. In many ways I depend on him too much; as hard as it is for me to admit, I depend on him more than Kyle.

"Seriously, thank you, Remington." I feel the too familiar sting again as my eyes fill with tears. "You and Lancey saved my life. Who was that other guy?" His eyebrow lifts and he shrugs both of his shoulder. Remington has no idea what I am talking about.

"I don't know, princess. Maybe Lancey gave you too much pain medication. There were only two of us. Please don't thank me; you are in debt to me now, and I collect on my debts." He wiggles his eyebrows while he grins.

"Really, can't you just tell me, 'You are welcome?'" The lingering question still remains: Who else was down in that cell area?

"You are welcome," he responds then he walks out while Napai comes in and Remington continues, "But you still owe me." His back is to me as he throws his hand in the air waving as he disappears into the hallway.

She gently asks, "How are you feeling?" Looking at her I see her tight lips, set jaw, and a devastating stare. Napai thinks I look like shit.

"Like I have been tied to the back of a jeep while they sped down a road," I reply.

"Hmm, well, no offense, you kinda look like you have been, but that probably would have felt better." She lightens up and a little smile peeks out as she lightly touches my shoulder. We could not have found a kinder more caring med-tec. We really hit a gold mine with Napai and Jada. I love them both; now if I could only find the secret to their relationship.

"Well, I guess my looks aren't deceiving; wouldn't want anyone to get the wrong idea." My voice is so hoarse it's hard for me to recognize.

Napai continues to examine me, pushing on places and asking if it hurts. That by the way is the stupidest thing someone can ask. It's like, oh, that is a bruise; let me push on it. Oh, you say that hurts? Let me push on it again. Think about it; if I say it hurts, I'm not lying and you pushing on it is not going to make it better, ever. Before Napai leaves she gives me something to sleep. She tells me I should be out for a few hours. My thoughts start to jumble, and my vision grows dark. The world is now quiet.

* * * *

A few hours later I am waking up blinking my eyes to clear them, I realize the one will not clear; in fact, it still does not open well. I can't tell if it even blinks when I try, but I can see the back of someone's head leaning on my bed. His hair is more familiar than my own. His hand is wrapped around one of mine as he sleeps. As I lie here I wonder how long he has been here. Trying not to move, I just want to watch him sleep. Kyle. He is beautiful with his eyes closed, oblivious to my stare. There is an overwhelming feeling of relief while I lie here. Lancey, Kyle, Aaron, Toni, Remington, Napai, Jada, and more are all safe here; my family is finally safe.

His head turns toward me as his eyes flicker open and a smile comes across his face. "Good morning," I whisper.

"Who did this?" he snaps.

"Kyle, does it matter right now? I'm here with you." I wish I could see out of my eye a little better. Damn swelling

"I will kill my dad; I know it was him. I was told he tried to rape you. You don't have to try to protect me, Riley. I am past that."

"Kyle, he tried, but he didn't succeed. A guard came in, and you can't kill your father." _But I will._ The look in his eyes scares me, so cold, so determined. It makes a chill run through me.

"He hurt you. Hell, Riley, he tried to kill you, rape you, and I can't allow him to live after that. I've done everything to prevent this he has asked me to do and he goes back on his word." I don't even know what Kyle means right now and I'm not going to ask, just let him rant a bit.

"He won't have a chance to hurt me. Kyle, I'm here now. You are here with me, and I want to get out of this damn bed. Help me."

"So, telling you to stay in here is a waste." I nod to him and he doesn't attempt it.

"People around here act like I don't listen," I mutter, furrowing my brows, snarling at him; then I realize how bad it hurts. I start biting my lip, not sure if I am suppressing my laugh or tears. On the one hand, they are dead on; I don't listen to anyone, but I won't admit it. Then there is the other hand; this hurts horribly.

"I'm sorry, Riley, I love you. I was supposed to protect you. I am going to kill him. Don't waste your energy trying to talk me out of it."

**"Where is she going?"** I am cringing a little at the sound of Jada's voice.

"Mr. Kyle, just where do you think you are taking my patient?" Jada's arms are crossed; she is not happy, more on the seething mad side.

"I just would like to take her out for some fresh air. Let her see Toni and everyone and her bunk. I think it will do her some good. I promise I won't keep her out long and if she gets tired, I will carry her." My heart races listening to him talk to her. Who could resist him? Right?

"If she is not back in two hours I will personally take it out on you, got it?" Jada will mop the floor with Kyle if he does not listen. Hard to believe there is only a few years difference between Jada and me. Maybe, it is how strict she is that makes me think she is older.

"Yes, ma'am." He tucks his head to her, and she steps to the side.

It hurts like hell to walk but I know I can't say anything to Kyle; he will carry me back to the MedFac. I feel so useless. He shows me my bunk. Which standing in front it looks like a half of circle of concrete with a steel door. But, the sides and top are buried in dirt with huge trees growing in it. They used bunkers like this in the ancient times to store weapons. That way it could not be seen from above; it would not be destroyed by anything and if there was an explosion on the inside it would not affect anything on the outside. This one, on the inside someone has made wood shelves, benches, two beds and dividers of wood making different rooms. When I ask Kyle, who made all these amazing things, he just smiles at me.

"You made this?" My heart warms to a whole new level for us.

"I picked this bunker so it's not too far from Toni and Aaron's because she is your best friend. Riles, it's home now." His voice is soft, and I can almost hear the love in it. I want to kiss him over and over, forgive him for not coming to my rescue. For him leaving just a few hours before they took me when I didn't want him to go.

"Kyle, you made our home, thank you." I do my best to hug him while my tears start. Using his thumbs, he wipes them gently. He apologizes for making me cry but he has made our home and it makes my heart ache with happiness.

"Can you take me to see Toni?" Tilting my head looking up to him I put the puppy dog eyes on; he always caves to it.

Kyle tries to explain she is in a meeting. Now it's my turn to explain I want to go; it is time for me to pull some of my own weight. As we walk to the area that is set up for meetings, I find everyone looking at a map. Some of them start to applaud as I get closer. My cheeks are hot. I've never had people applaud for me. This is really embarrassing.

I see this bright blonde kid with a very light complexion here. Pointing to herself, she tells me her name: Cami. She points to me and tells me my name then tells me she is seven. She is adorable, her hair in a ponytail that bounces back and forth as she runs. Preston is walking over to give me a hug then stops when he sees my injuries.

"My sunshine, are you doing better?" I nod to him; I lie, and he knows better.

"We will catch up tomorrow. Time for me to get the young ones to bed." He squeezes my shoulder as he walks past Kyle and me with Cami in tow.

Kyle whispers to me, "That's the little girl I wanted you to meet."

"What's up, Toni?" I ask while she glares at Kyle, causing me to take a step back.

Remington glares at Kyle as he speaks to me, "Princess, you should be in MedFac healing."

And there is Kyle taking this as a testosterone challenge. "I'm taking care of her..." he spits out as he moves towards Remington. "... Don't concern yourself with our matters, especially when it comes to Riley." Kyle stops himself between Remington and me.

"You were supposed to keep her in bed..." Toni chimes in.

I look at Toni and Remington to confess. "The isn't Kyle's idea; I forced him to bring me here."

Toni continues, "Pratt has guns being moved from the warehouse to a post down here." She points to the map, and I nod with acknowledgment. "We need them, so we are going to take them."

"Kyle, what do you know about this?" Toni's expression softens just a little towards Kyle as she asks.

Kyle walks over and leans over the map. "Here there will be six guards in the truck plus two drivers. It is mandated they stop at this checkpoint. Those guys should be ours at the checkpoint. We take them there while we'll have cover from the trees and the rocky terrain over here, so they can't go anywhere."

"I'm in," I mumble. Everyone gathered for our meeting stares at Kyle, like I'm invisible. They think he can talk sense into me that will never happen.

"No." He tightens his lip and stares at me. He is choosing his words carefully as he speaks to me. "This is in five days. You have broken ribs not to mention the rest of your brokenness." Oh, this is ... not good, I am not in the mood to argue with him. The rest of the team shifts uncomfortably as I glare.

"I just got you back; please don't do this," he tries pleading with me.

"I wasn't asking; I'm going, and I will just have to suck up my brokenness, as you put it." I throw daggers at Kyle as I speak. Knowing he has every right not to want me to go and I know somewhere I shouldn't go but I must prove to everyone that I am one of them.

"Riley, sis, I think we all feel it is a bad idea; it's too soon, sweetie." My best friend Toni has turned into a traitor.

Now Remington clears his throat and looks from me to Kyle. I'm not sure if he will agree with me or side with his sister. I'll say it: I don't know why I'm so mad. But I listen to him.

"We all know princess isn't going to stay here and she will slow us down on foot, and she can't carry anything..." Will Remington just get on with it, stop pointing out what I can't do. "In light of the fact, she is more stubborn than most mules, and we have to ditch that truck. Why doesn't the princess drive one of the jeeps?" Everyone in the meeting agrees reluctantly with him.

"If I wanted to drive one of the jeeps I would have said so." Deep down I feel a pang of guilt; I will slow them down which might get someone hurt. I hate it, but I have to admit everything they have been saying is true.

As much as I hate to tell them, I must admit it: what they are saying makes sense, "You are right, Remington. I'm sorry, everyone, and, Kyle I am really sorry; I should not have talked to you like that. No one should get hurt because I am slowing everyone down." I already did that to Lancey. Looking to Kyle, I can see the creases on his forehead start to release. He doesn't like this idea either; he wants me to stay here but by looking at him I can tell, if he has to have me along this is where he wants me, in a jeep.

As they continue with the meeting deciding who will actually be on the team to take out the guards in the truck I feel gentle fingers slide over mine. With one hand Kyle shows where our jeeps will be and where we dump the truck carrying the weapons, while softly holding my hand. While they were doing the finishing touches to the mission, I was fading fast. They were talking and all I could do was think of the excruciating pain I was in. Kyle takes a look at me and wraps the meeting up. True to his word, we are back in the medical facility tucked in bed within two hours.

He sits next to my bed when Jada walks into the room.

"Don't you sit there and keep her awake; she has had a big day. Let her sleep." _Oh, if she only knew how big of a day I will have soon._ Remaining silent Kyle nods to Jada.

Kissing me on the forehead he whispers, "I love you," as he stands to leave but I can't let him go. I need him. The things I see in my sleep, I feel in my sleep it is relentless. His dad, I just can't let go of his dad coming after me. His dad touching me. I need Kyle here, so I can sleep. With Kyle touching me, I am protected. He would die for me.

"Please don't leave," I ask. He sits back down. My dreams really do scare me, and I know I can't tell him. He gathers an extra blanket and curls up on a chair watching me, holding my hand as I drift to sleep.
Chapter 25

All I want is what I think I see.
We all gather in the cover of brush and trees waiting. The wind slightly rattles the leaves around us while wild willow trees near the cedars make a thick cover. I am sure they once served as a line covering a drive in someone's yard. In my imagination I see it all clearly.

There were probably lots of children that would play under the willow trees. I'm sure they had a dog that would chase them, and they loved to play tag using the tree as a base. They might have sat at a big table in a nice dining room, or kitchen; maybe they even had a picnic table and weather permitting they ate out here. But not any longer, we wait by an old splintered concrete foundation that probably housed the large happy family.

The team is in place while I remain here with four others sitting in jeeps. My ribs are tearing at me from the inside, and if I didn't know any better, I would say they will surface through my skin at any time, a gross bloody white point sticking out of my midsection. Well, I need to suck it up. All at once our lookout is yelling that they are coming, get ready. I'm not ready, I hurt, I can't move. Shit _. I can't get anyone else hurt again._

Damn, I can't push the stupid gas pedal, it... it hurts. _Push the fricking gas pedal and_ _ignore the pain._ I push it with a passion and I hear the tires spin in the dirt. Lurching forward I almost hit the truck with the weapons in it. The one I am supposed to be pulling alongside. Carefully I creep the rest of the way up to it and crate after crate is being thrown in its back. With each crate I feel the shift. I hear the moans as they land in the jeep and I moan with it. I feel her, the jeep that bows a little lower to the ground with each cumbersome crate. Kyle signals me once my jeep is full; I move out of the way for the next jeep.

It's time, four jeeps are full, and I watch as the truck is being driven into a tree line. A short rebel that I don't know swings the door open lifting himself up and hops inside with rope to tie the drivers up. Remington and Aaron – even with masks on I can tell who they are – are throwing fallen branches over it. With each limb it is becoming increasingly harder to see.

I wait for Kyle to move into the seat next to me. He opens the door, pulls his mask off and reaches across the seat gently touching my cheek with his fingers. I watch his eyes; they look sad. He clears his throat and asks, "Are you alright, Riley? Dammit, I was afraid of this, you look pale."

I place my hand on his while we wait for a few other Rebels that I don't know to climb on top of the crates, in the back and sit down. Forcing a smile on my face I softly say, "I'm fine, don't worry about me." I am hoping he does not notice how my voice is quivering from the pain. Everyone is loaded so I take off. We drive exactly twenty miles, and everyone gets out.

"That was too easy, let's do this," Kyle calls out to Remington.

"Agreed, let's break them," Remington replies.

Wondering what they are talking about, I refuse to ask at the risk of sounding naive. I watch as they are unloading crate after crate. It takes two men on one crate, well, except the ones Aaron and Remington are carrying. Everyone rips their masks off and stuffs them in their back pockets. Surprisingly there is another girl with us. _I didn't see that coming; she moves those crates and throws those rifles just as fast if not faster than the guys._ Carefully they stack rifle after rifle into the jeeps without their crates. As we near the end, I hear this cute girl with short blonde hair yell, "I got it!" Almost immediately I then watch her stomp on something.

"Kyle, what is she talking about?" I ask.

"They knew; that is why it was so easy. The guards damn near were jumping out of the truck for us and let us tie them up. They are tracking us. We need to go and go now! They are behind us." How come everyone else saw that coming but me? I feel, well, inadequately prepared; I shouldn't have come.

**"Go, go, go!"** Remington is shouting.

Everyone rushes to their jeeps; the few guns that didn't make it out of the crates are left. Kyle pushes me to the passenger seat. My body stiffens as I feel the pain radiate through me and Kyle begs for my forgiveness as we speed away. We are driving...not the way we came and at speeds I would never try on this hard hole-filled terrain.

"Where are we going?" croaks out of my mouth, a voice that can barely be heard as I try to stop tears of pain from falling.

"We have to make sure no one is following us."

As the words leave his lips, I hear a shot fired and my heart stops. The people in the back drop down, each grabbing a rifle and firing back. "Too late to worry about them following us; they are here." He takes a deep breath. "Each of us has a different route to take."

Kyle is turning, and dodging bullets being shot at us while the team in the back is shooting back at them. I'm not sure how they are staying in the jeep but every one of them is anchored in as they launch their return assault on the guards following us. Our team members are flawless; the turns and the bumps don't phase them. I sit trying to see what is happening and I catch a blur rolling in the air. At the same time everyone in back is high fiving each other. They wasted Pratt's guards.

We drive fast for another half hour then we are back between some trees, staying hidden in the woods near the dry sloughs and we wait. There is still an odor of rotten dirt that is filling the air around us mixing with my pain, and I must swallow back the vomit as time slowly ticks by.

"We lost anyone else that might have been following us," Kyle says, and my body melts at his words; I sink down trying to relax. "I'm sorry," he is saying for about the hundredth time, taking a strand of my hair and tucking it behind my ear. Looking into his beautiful hazel eyes each time I swear I see more flecks of gold. I can't be mad at him.

"You have nothing to be sorry for; I did this to myself," I whisper to him.

"I shouldn't have let you come. I knew you weren't ready for all of this. I keep hurting the girl I love." His words are sour with regret.

"Kyle Kendell," I begin, clearing my throat for emphasis, "you do not 'let' me go anywhere." He gives a small smile to me because he knows how hard I am trying to not show any pain and play around with him.

"I should have tried harder to talk you out of it. Look how bad you hurt," he quietly says inches from my lips. "And it wasn't your fault; it's my dad's and I will kill him." Kyle steals a deep breath and continues, "Before you say anything, that is one thing I won't bend on for you." His tone is cold and I decide to let it go without my usual objections.

"You are right, Kyle, I shouldn't have come. I had no idea how bad this would hurt..." In a mock scold I continue "...but you don't get to let me do anything." Then I let out a small laugh.

"I got it, poor choice of words." He sighs then smiles and gives me a small kiss on the lips. The small kiss leads into another kiss that leaves my lips tingling. He is mine and I know how lucky I am.

"Hey, we are still back here and don't want the show," I hear from a voice in the back of the jeep. My cheeks instantly heat up.

"You are sexy when you blush." Kyle smiles at me which in turn makes my cheeks hotter.

Nothing more is said which makes the waiting to go home go on for what is feeling like eternity. I am acutely aware of the sounds around us. The squirrels are starting to chatter in the trees. I know we are the only ones here. I slide my hand on top of Kyle's and give it a squeeze; he looks at me and all I can do is smile. _He's mine; he loves me._

I state to Kyle, "I want to do more next time." I could clearly see the surprise on his face.

"You did plenty." He turns grazing the back of his hand on my cheek.

"You know what I mean. The other girl is out there; that should be me too."

"What, Jasmine?" He brings his eyebrows together causing a crease between them. I know that look; he can't understand why. "I would worry if you were out there with her."

"That's not the point. I know you worry, Kyle, and I worry about you too, but I can't have others doing what I wouldn't do." In a lower voice I finish, "If I can't do, I can't lead."

"What?" His one eyebrow raises, and he starts to laugh. Pulling my arm back as far as my ribs allow I punch his shoulder. "Hey, you're so cute when you're angry," he says as I am rolling my eyes. He smiles to me, "Riley, you are a born leader; don't ever say you can't. You have something other leaders lack, a good heart and a good conscious." I feel his hand gently give my leg a squeeze. He continues, "You are smart, and everyone here believes in you. I believe in you." _I feel my heart pounding hard; he believes in me._

He straightens up and puts his serious face on, telling me we're good to go back, but it is rough. He leans over slightly towards me and asks if I will be alright. Then he leans in and kisses my cheek. After he is done explaining our route, I know I will be in immense pain from the journey. But, what can you do? We have to go home. _I feel so inadequate._

Closing my eyes and preparing myself, I feel Kyle's hand brush my leg making me smile. We drive for what seems like forever until I hear him whispering, "We are home." When I open my eyes, Toni has her nose an inch in front of mine.

"Oh, I want to make sure you weren't dead..." Toni laughs as she flicks my cheek.

"Ow," I say rubbing my cheek. "That hurt!"

"Well, I can see you're not dead. Now go see Jada; she is pissed-off. It seems her patient wasn't cleared to go on this mission so you're in trooouble," Toni sings. "I got the jeep, Kyle!" she yells as she climbs into the driver's seat. "Get out of my way and get her back in bed at the MedFac and if you are lucky Napai will be there now and not Jada. If you don't get her back soon, we will all have our butts kicked!" Toni laughs harder; she knows Jada is no one to cross.

Kyle wastes no time getting around to my door, and his hand is there to help me out. As soon as my foot hits the ground, I know I am in trouble. It hurts and not just a little hurt... it hurts big. Seeing my face, Kyle doesn't ask; within seconds I am swept up and held tightly to his chest.

As it is now, Kyle is walking into the medical facility with me in his arms. He brings me to my bed, I lie down, but I stop, propping myself on my elbows to ask him about Cami. The cute seven-year-old who was at our mission planning meeting with Preston. She doesn't have any parents that he knows of and she sleeps in a room across the hall with several other children with no parents.

"Cami is special, you'll see, and you'll love her." This is new. I have never pictured Kyle as a father figure. "She loves to help people and wants to be like Jada. You will see her a lot in here." A memory surfaces, fuzzy, but I remember when I first came here, lying in this bed being on pain medication and a little girl standing by my bed. I thought I was dreaming but it must have been Cami.

He squeezes my hand and eases me all the way into a lying position. My pleading starts; finally, but reluctantly he lies down beside me. A sigh of relief escapes me. I need him.

* * * *

When I wake in the morning, Kyle is gone.
Chapter 26

Options and choices.

I lie here, blinking my eyes open until they can focus in this fluorescent light. When I went to sleep, it was painful but peaceful and dark with Kyle by my side. Now my body...my body reminds me of everything I shouldn't have done yesterday and to top it off no Kyle.

Wiping my eyes then turning my head to the side of the bed I see two blue eyes peering at me with eyebrows drawn close together. She turns the corners of her mouth up at me. She is truly adorable. Clearing her throat, she has a voice strong for her pint size that reflects the hard life she has had.

"Drink this or Jada will stick a needle in your arm."

"Is that what Jada told you?"

She peers at me while she answers, "Yep."

"What's your name again, sweetie?"

"Cami and before you ask I'm seven, old enough to be here."

Pain or not I can't help but smile back at her as she shoves a cup of water at me. If it was a sword I would have been in serious trouble. Once I am sitting, I take the cup from her. Her little foot taps fast as lightening and she stares at me.

"Well," she says as her impatient little foot is tapping faster.

Absolutely confused at what she wants, I ask, "Well, what sweetie?"

"Well, my name is Cami, and drink that or Jada comes over with a needle!" she exclaims.

"You want me to drink this now?" Her arms cross as she nods. I am not sure who is more terrifying, this little girl or Jada. Feeling actually bullied by a seven-year-old I start to sip the water. Her arms are still crossed, and she is scowling. It's almost enough to make me turn away.

So, I ask probably the obvious, "Are you staying here until I finish this?"

"Yes," she replies, rolling her eyes at me, as if I just asked the dumbest question...ever. This girl has sass. I like her.

I never knew a child could be so, so, stubborn but cute at the same time. But she is getting her way. I'm doing as I am told. Sipping slowly, I drink the glass of water.

The corners of her mouth curl up this time in a beautiful smile with a front tooth missing; it spreads across her face, and a little hand reaches for the cup. In a tiny seven-year-old voice I hear, "Thank you."

Then she pivots and walks out. I can't help but smile. She is infectious, and through the pain she makes me feel a little better. But things will not remain quiet as I look around at my bleak surroundings. It is a modest makeshift room with the dividers made of wood and openings that have canvas tarps hung from the ceiling. There is a small wood table next to the bed with a lamp. The overhead lights are the same as my school, fluorescent; some slightly flicker while others hum. The chains they hang from are covered in webs.

"What do you think you were doing yesterday?" Without looking, I know who it is. Jada, I love her, but she is a strict one and only two years older than I am. _With my luck she is still going to stab me with a needle._ All the same, I feel the blood rushing out of my face just like when my teachers would scold me.

Seeing her glare at me pursing her lips makes me feel extremely uneasy, I'm...I'm a little terrified right now. "I need to help," I quietly speak back to her. _Come back little girl. I might need you to save me._

"The hell you did, and that boyfriend of yours needs to let you sleep and keep his ass out of your bed." Forget the blood rushing out of my face because now it is running in reverse and rushing to my face as I feel my cheeks heat up to my ears.

Swallowing hard, I know she is saying these things for my own good, but I feel very protective of Kyle. "He didn't want me to go. I thought I could help but all I did was drive a jeep, and if something would have happened to me, Kyle would have never forgiven himself. It was selfish of me to think they needed me there."

Her expression eases as she walks over and gently takes the side of my face and pulls me to her for a hug. I close my eyes for just a moment while letting her hug me. And within minutes Napai is with us clinging to my hand. These are good people, this is family. I never want to disappoint these people.

Softly Jada lets go, and she gently sits on my bed with Napai leaning into her. "Riley, this is serious; we don't have an x-ray machine or anything like that. I examined you; we know your ribs are broken but what else is going on we can't tell."

"So, that means what to me?"

"It means your ribs were hit so hard by Mr. Kendell that from what I can tell a couple separated from your sternum. This is dangerous. Who knows what else is wrong and you need to be in bed not out on missions."

So, my confession continues like I was caught stealing cookies out of a jar. "I'm sorry, what I did was stupid, and I should have listened to you, to everyone but..." then just above a whisper I continue, "...everyone is working so hard to save me..." Dropping my eyes to my sheet trying my best to avoid eye contact with them I know the look I deserve but I don't want to see it.

"But sometimes you're really stubborn." I nod while Napai finishes my sentence. Well, that isn't really what I am wanting to say; it should have been something like I need to feel like I matter... like I help too. But, I can't say that out loud, not yet.

I feel their gentle squeeze on my arm and their voices are almost in unison. "We love you, Riley, and we are glad you are home." These people love me no matter what stupid things I do, _my family._

Napai leaves and comes back with more water. _Great._ "Take this, Riley, it'll help with the pain and make you sleep." She gives me a small smile then leans in closer. "Give it time, you just arrived. You will have the hang of all of this in no time and will be planning missions, running them and kicking everyone's butt that doesn't listen." Her words make me happy. I want to hug her, but I know better; the pain would win out.

As they turn to walk out I call for Napai. I want to know where Kyle is. What happened? Where did he go? And why isn't he here with me like a person who cares should be?

As if she is reading my mind I don't have to ask. "He left very early this morning when I was making my three o'clock rounds. When I was about to walk in here, I could hear his voice talking to you. I thought you were awake, but you didn't answer him. Not wanting to listen too much you know, but I did hear some what he was saying."

"What did he say? Please Napai, I didn't think he would leave me again like that."

"He said he is sorry; he has some things he needs to take care of..." Starting to feel my chest tighten I try to bite my lip to keep the fear at bay. _He's going after his dad; that must be what he was talking about._

She walks back and eases down to sit beside me, and I know there is something she isn't telling me. She is reaching for my hand and here I am preparing myself for the worse. _Why Kyle? Why would you be so stupid?_

"When I was walking in the room his forehead was resting on the sheets; he was begging you to forgive him. He said you won't be able to right away but someday."

My breath catches in my chest. My mind is frantic trying to piece this together.

"I reassured him whatever is bothering him he should tell you and that you care for him more than anything else. That's when he scared me and said he isn't finished yet and walked out." She is rubbing my arm lightly. "It will all work out, Riley, I'm sure of it. He cares for you too."

Feeling myself nod to Napai, I can't find my words right now. Is he going to die before I can tell him how much he does mean to me?

All I can do is remain staring at my sheets not focusing on anything. I can tell my silence is making Napai uncomfortable, but I don't know what to say. I know I will always be with Kyle; he just makes me so...scared right now. But we are fated to be together.

A slight numbness creeps in, easing the vice grip that is in my chest. When I am thinking about Kyle...Kyle, hmmm, yah, I don't remember. I see the corners of my vision start to sway; I am happy the pain medication is...*yawn*.

"I'll leave you to get some rest but if you need to talk..." I nod _I think_ as she walks out the door.
Chapter 27

You cannot cave into desire when others' lives are at stake; it isn't right to do something so selfish. Make a difference or die trying;   
it's the heart of the rebel's existence.   
Mine is lead or die trying.

I have been in this room for over a week. I have grown accustom to this seven-year-old; I really do like her. Cami has left after ordering me to take a nap. Who am I to argue with her?

Feeling a gentle nudge, I look up to see Preston. My first self-defense instructor, the man who listened to me when my mother wouldn't. He makes me feel hope. He says to me, "I know I shouldn't wake you but every time I come to visit you in MedFac, you are sleeping."

I lift myself to hug him. This man is the closest I've ever come to a father. He is warm and wonderful, the one I shared all my problems with until he left to come here. He trained me, not like Remington, but he taught me self-control.

"How would you like it if we started training together again?" he asks as he sits on the side of my bed. "You know as the leader; some people will give you respect but others..." He gently places his hand on my shoulder, "... might challenge you. You will need to be not only strong in mind with self-control but physically."

I take a deep breath in. All I can do is smile, whispering, "I would like you being my instructor again. I haven't trained for a couple months, since Remington." The warm memories flash through my mind of when I was a child being trained by Preston. Trying to convince Preston my mom didn't like me, and he should take me with him when he came here. I feel my smile leave while I am overshadowed with guilt about my mom.

Pulling me out of my thoughts he slightly pulls back. "Why not? Kyle told us he was training you." For some reason the urge to make excuses for Kyle is something I must fight off, but I fail.

"He's really busy and Remington took my bow; well, it really was his bow anyway. I guess." _There that should get him off Kyle's back._

"Honey, I watched Remington give Kyle the bow about two days after Kyle came back with a promise that he would keep your training up." I try not to let the shock show after Preston tells me this, but I am beside myself with anger about this new information.

All I could do was mumble to myself, "Why did he lie?"

"Hey, sunshine, I didn't come to make you sad. We will get your bow and will start training, but you have about four or five more weeks before we start, then we go slow. Look, Riley, something probably happened, that's all. Don't jump to conclusions with Kyle."

I smile and nod then yawn.

"I'll let you get back to sleeping, sunshine. I'll come back and visit here or at your bunk." He gives me a kiss on the forehead and starts to walk out.

I clear my throat and quickly call out, "Preston, what if I can't make it? You know, with everything."

He gives me a wink. "There are no guarantees, sunshine, but I believe in you. Besides, Aaron who usually fixes things around here is dying for you to get better. He is tired of these people asking him questions and he can't get his work done. Oh, he also wants his wife to himself. Sunshine, I believe in you like no other, so stop doubting and start believing like the rest of us." After he finishes he walks out the door. _Start believing, easier said than done._

* * * *

"Hey," a soft voice gently wakes me.

Seeing a man standing over me, I feel my heart begin to race mostly because it startles me, then the fact there is a man standing over me that is not Kyle.

"Hey, what the..." I glare at him until I realize it is Remington. He is making me acutely aware how long it has been since I have had a shower.

"What are you doing here?" And really why is he here? It came out of my mouth before I could stop. I cover my mouth with my hand as if that would make it better. Just to clarify, I have been kinda mad at him about my bow. But now I have to apologize.

"Well, I thought I should check on you," he laughs to himself. "I wanted to come while you were awake this time but since you weren't awake, I woke you up." Has he been checking on me?

"Maybe get you out of MedFac and into your bunk." Part of me likes when he is speaking to me but a bigger part of me feels that I owe him for saving me.

"Hmm, really?" It is hard trying to sound nonchalant when I am so excited I could pee my pants. _Oh, to get out of here that would be wonderful, some fresh air._ He nods to me.

"How long have you been asking Jada for me to get out?"

"The past week, I knew at the end of last week when it had only been two days from getting the guns asking would have been useless, but I started working on Jada then." He smiles and holds out his hand. My head responds by shaking "no" to him.

"Why?" He sticks his bottom lip out. Still shaking my head "no," I swear I see his shoulders start to slump.

"Fine, whatever," He snaps. _Touchy?_ _I should be the one in a bad mood. I'm the one who hasn't been allowed to do anything, not him!_

"Well, I have not had a shower for a couple days. I can't look this way and I definitely can't smell this way."

His eyes avert mine looking to the floor. "I told you the crazy med tech jailer just agreed to let you out. We can work out the details later." Is he pleading with me?

"Okay, I'll go with you, on one condition: I take a shower first."

"Really?" he whispers as he wiggles his eyebrows up and down at me. I don't know if he is joking or serious.

"Just to be clear, I did not say I would take a shower with you," I respond, keeping my face straight then biting the inside of my bottom lip to keep from laughing. He lets out an over exaggerated sigh.

"And I was trying so hard for that; remember you still owe me." Who is this guy? He actually might have a sense of humor.

No longer able to help myself, I laugh. I can't stand how awkward things are between us. _This is nice, this is really nice; maybe we can be friends. But I don't think I ever forgave him for making sure I knew I was like a little sister to him. That hurt more than I could admit at the time._

"Really, I would like to, with you, I mean get out of here, not the shower." Before I can fight him or change my mind, he scoops me up, and I lean my head on his chest. Then he promptly sets me down by the shower.

As he is holding me he blurts out, "You don't go anywhere until you go in there." I mean, I know I smell, I know I need a shower; in fact, I just told him I did, but I didn't think he would be so blunt. My cheeks start to heat up and I'm sure that I'm on the tenth degree of red.

After my shower I'm sliding on a pair of jeans and a sloppy t-shirt that Toni must have provided – they were thrown in the door of the shower stall – and I'm ready. So much more comfy than those string tied things I was wearing at MedFac. _Sigh, I'm gonna miss my old shirt from home that I'll never see again._

"Before we go anywhere, Remington, I want to tell you something." I see him take a half step away from me. "I'm sorry." I see the way he is staring at me; he has no idea where this is going.

"I'm sorry for being mad at you for not giving Kyle my bow. I was wrong, and I really apologize."

"I didn't know he didn't practice with you and I didn't know you were mad at me, so you don't have to apologize to me, princess." I punch him lightly in the arm and he let out a laugh.

"I got your princess for you."

"I bet you do." Looking up to see his smirk, any other day I would want to wipe it off his face but I've kind of missed it. _Weird._

Leaving the showers by MedFac, Remington shows me around a small area of our camp, being careful not to overdo it. The MedFac is an old wooden building halfway into a hill. Today, unlike when I was with Kyle I can really see what these old weapon bunkers are like. They are cement and, for lack of a better way to describe them, half circles that are buried to only make it look like hilly terrain. It only makes sense to use these. The old dirt roads join them, keeping all of us linked together. The sixty lakes give us plenty of fish. This place is perfect in every way.

We make our way through the cedar trees down a dirt path surrounded by large oak trees. The sight gives me goose bumps, so private and beautiful. The trees are large and separate but as we walk we go through cedar trees which are everywhere. _I've missed the smell of being outside._ There is a slow incline down and a weathered gray wood dock at the end of the path. Helping me down he sits next to me. Memories surface of another time, when Remington and I sat looking at a lake and then I blew it by trying to kiss him, making a fool out of myself.

Well, that was the night Kyle came home. I made up my mind that night that I was to be with Kyle. Kyle was so cruel about me to Remington; it's hard to believe I forgave him and yet I know in my heart it was the right thing to do. But, I have a hole in me that only Remington fills.

I can't forget that Remington and Lancey are the ones who came to my rescue, not Kyle. They didn't know where he was. Come to think of it, I still don't know where he was. In fact, I don't know where he is. He disappeared which apparently Kyle and I need to talk about, that is if he is alive _. Not to repeat myself but it really irks me when he disappears. But the thought that Kyle might be hurt or dead aches in me constantly._

But hell, Lancey took a bullet for me, well kinda; it just put a hole through his shoulder, but they said it was just the muscle, that it almost missed him completely. He lost a lot of blood for me _. I thought he was going to die; maybe I over reacted a little._ Looking up I see Remington staring at me.

"I didn't forget what I said to you, and I was really cruel to you, I'm sorry. I should have said that sooner," Remington softly says. It's as if he is reading my mind.

"I come here to think or when I just want to get away for a while." He says quietly almost as if he is talking to himself.

"Sorry about what? I'm the one indebted to you, remember. You came to rescue me. I don't know how I can every repay you."

His eyes are drifting to mine, and I have to look away. He brushes my shoulder with his, and it is hard to deny that there is something about him that I still desire and no matter how hard I try it won't go away.

"I'm sorry I was such a jerk to you. I told you I was only here to guard and train you when Kyle was at your house. That was cold and wasn't true. In fact, since the day I met you, princess, I've been cold to you. I'm sorry." His one eyebrow is raised higher than the other one as he stares at me.

"You're my friend too. I was stupid and up until Kyle took you from me I didn't realize how much of a friend you were." Wow talk about a confession; that's all I could ask for, to be his friend.

"Hey, what are you thinking about?" He is still staring at me; I'm feeling a little self-conscious as he asks.

"I wasn't sure after we talked in that home when you warned me about Kyle and you said to just go with it. I wasn't sure if all the words were for Kyle's sake. But I also want us to be friends. That is really nice." My heart is happy now, finally friends.

"At first, I was saying stuff to try to protect you from Kyle, but I went too far. It isn't like me, but I wanted to hurt you. It was a horrible way to behave and I am ashamed." His voice is filled with sorrow, so I gently set my hand on his arm to reassure him.

"I don't want to make you mad, Remington, but I want to ask you something." He nods to get me to continue. "Do you know where Kyle is?" I ask, biting my lip, afraid of the answer and I am afraid I'll kill the moment Remington and I are having.

"Princess, I sure don't, but I have a bad feeling about it." I don't push him for anything else, I let it drop.

We sit in silence for a while, not really wanting to say anything else just wanting to enjoy this. My lips curve into a smile. "This is nice, thank you for bringing me here. But, don't call me princess or the friendship is off." _Of course, I am the first one to break the silence._

"Well, I'll share my private spot with you but only you." It's hard not to laugh at him and his offer, it...it makes me really happy.

"Well, I guess a thank you is in order," I whisper.

He brushes stray strands of my hair back over my shoulder and whispers sending chills through me. "You never have to tell me thank you." Smiling to myself I know better than to turn and look at him.

"Does that make you uncomfortable, not the sharing thing, me touching your shoulder?" _Really, he is so blunt._

I stop to take a deep breath making sure this is what I want to say, "No, Remington, the problem is you make me feel too comfortable...I miss talking with you." Maybe I shouldn't be this honest.

His breath is moving my hair making it harder not to turn into him. His voice is rough and quiet. "So why is that a problem?" I feel him inching closer to me.

"It's not, we are friends."

He stands up extending his hand for me to take. "We have to get moving, friend. We are having a meeting and they will be waiting for us. Well, I told a lie to you just a little tiny one; I wanted to get you to this meeting too."

"My mom always said there is no tiny lie." I say. My mind drifts briefly to when my mom was alive, and I sigh. Why are they having a meeting? Maybe, they would do better without me? They lasted a very long time before I came a few weeks ago.

"Oh, yah, don't think I didn't plan this ahead of time. We are planning to do some more runs, you know missions, but you don't get to go."

I stop dead in my tracks. Remington takes a few steps when he notices that I'm not with him. "I shouldn't go," falls out of my mouth wanting to trip me.

"Well, that isn't an option for you now is it, princess? You don't get to choose this time about a mission and we need our beds in MedFac for other people. That is where you would end up."

"No, I know that part. I mean I shouldn't go to the meeting." My eyes start to burn as the tears form.

"Look, Riley, I don't understand why you are saying this. I don't pretend to know what's in your head, but you are in charge of this Rebel camp which is becoming the largest one we have."

Placing my hand on Remington's arm I stop him. "Remington, I really think this camp is better with Aaron and Toni running it. It's for the good of everyone here."

I am trying to look at the ground, but Remington picks up my chin with his fingers. "We have had another attack this past week."

"Another attack? How come no one told me?"

"You were hurt. If we told you, you would want to get out of MedFac and do things you shouldn't so that couldn't happen. So, you can be mad. I wanted to get you out, but I didn't want to tell you."

"I need to know," I tell him; his exaggerated sigh says everything back to me. _Make up your mind, Riley. First you don't want to go to the meeting then you are upset that they didn't tell you about the attack this week. Holy crap. I would shoot me if I were him._

"You were too hurt to do us any good." _There is that bluntness of his._ "Now, you are up and about..." _Only thanks to you, Remington._ "... we have to find room for about eight hundred more that are on foot, about a week out."

"Oh shit, where are we going to put them? Damn, what about food?"

"See, that's why we are having this meeting," he says with a smirk. If I could punch him I would. "Riley, I think Toni has some ideas she wants to share with you; then we really need your help on this food thing, cause it's going to become scarce."

"What are they about?" I ask.

"That's what the meeting is for, to get everyone's input." He states the obvious.

"I'm awful at this. This isn't what I was taught. I was taught about history and how to fight, you know stupid scenarios that I had to make choices in but..." Remington's eyebrow shoots up again. He is inches from my face.

"Exactly, choices. Look at me, Riley, don't try to look away..." I am looking directly into his dark blue eyes; they are beautiful. "...You can read all the books you want. I know you had to, but nothing is like living it. You have to use everything you learned, think with your heart and come up with the best for everyone. No one ever said it was going to be easy." Slowly I nod to him. "Riley, I will say this again, I believe in you. I always have."

My chest tightens with his words. With all that he is saying I can't hold back any longer. I feel the trail; a tear is leaving as it is running down my cheek. His arms gently pull me into a very cautious hug and I feel his chin on my head.

"Cry here, cry all you want but don't cry in front of them." As this leaves Remington's lips I can't help but think of what my mom told me.

"Never let them see you cry, Riley." She knew what she was talking about. I guess she would also tell me, "Leading is tough, Riley, and you were born to lead this rebellion." 
Chapter 28

Respect. You must give lots before ever receiving any.
As we clear the cedar trees Kyle sees us and I see daggers in his eyes as he is walking over to me. Shoving Remington, Kyle puts his weight into it hitting Remington in the chest. Remington takes his wide stance. I know Remington could easily kick Kyle's ass; I would be surprised if Kyle could live through it. But to my surprise Kyle is still standing and Remington isn't moving. For some reason Remington is taking a punch to the face (his beautiful face) and one to the stomach. Remington just barely blocks them, doubling over slightly.

"Kyle, stop it, STOP IT!" My voice breaks as I scream.

A few people start to crowd around; after fifteen minutes Kyle is still going at it. 'STOP IT KYLE, I MEAN IT!" He is still swinging and now I can see the fatigue starting to gain speed on him. _That's odd, he should be able to go longer, not that I want him to._ His punches are sloppy, his guard is down. Remington still isn't hitting back. Note to self _"Thank Remington for not killing my boyfriend."_ **"KYLE, IF YOU EVER WANT TO SPEAK TO ME AGAIN, STOP IT!"**

Kyle immediately stops; at the same time Aaron is placing Kyle's hands behind him and with the right pressure, rendering Kyle useless. Remington is standing there looking. No, his brows are pushed down while he glares at me. _It's not my fault._ Droplets of blood are running down Remington's cheek. Remington shakes his glare from me as he is readying himself to leave.

Walking over to me whispering at my shoulder and facing me, Remington says, "I didn't kill him because for some stupid reason you care about him."

Remington's back is to us all as he lets out one more warning, "Kyle, you do that again and I'll kill you. I let it go this time for Riley but that won't stop me next time." Then Remington is gone.

Aaron is still holding Kyle, as he starts to speak to me and everyone here. "Riley, if you think I am just going to let Remington grope all over you when you are **my fiancé,** you have another thing coming. We are going to get married, for Christ sake. I thought that was over; you promised me it was over." My tears start to come, and I pull them back and I can't tell if it is from anger or how bad it hurts.

"Can we talk about this in private, please." I'm pleading with him. Some things are meant to be talked about in private I thought and _that isn't what Remington was doing anyway! I hate him right now, I really do._

"No, Riley, right here right now in front of everyone. You have no problems being with Remington in front of everyone." His words sting inside of me; I might as well be lying on the ground letting him drive back and forth over me. My hands tremble at his hostility; it's not my Kyle. _Who is this guy?_

Aaron asks if he has settled down enough to release his arms. Kyle nods back to Aaron. Watching Aaron slowly release Kyle, I get the impression Aaron is not convinced. Kyle clears his throat once he is fully released. "I'm sorry, Riles, I lost my head seeing you guys together again."

"Kyle, there are about five people standing around us. Do you know how many extra people are around us? Five, Kyle, five." I glare at him.

Toni finally makes it down to our party here. "Sis, I just saw my brother; he didn't say anything, but I thought I should come and check on you. This is your first day back up. I don't want to nag but you know..."

Walking over to Toni, I give her hand a squeeze. "Thanks." Now onto what is at hand other than Kyle's...jealousy. "Hey, Toni, when is our meeting and is it full blown?"

"Aww, Riley, you have not been to one of our come-one-come-all meetings yet. Shoot, you just got here. We wouldn't want to make you run away already. Just a few people are here tonight, and I have a brainstorm I can't wait to tell you!" Toni is all excited waving her hands while she talks. It reminds me of when we had meetings in school, always animated or no hands, no talk.

Watching Aaron walk over to Kyle, Toni watches my eyes follow him. Aaron sets his hand on Kyle's shoulder; Kyles eyes are at a dead stare at me. Aaron begins with his deep voice, "You know you are always welcome here, but you have to keep your shit together...." Kyle's stare grows colder towards me as Aaron continues, "We need you, she needs you, she cares about you, but not like this. You don't do Riley any good like this."

Kyle turns to face Aaron, "Hey, thanks man. I mean it, Aaron, thank you and you are right."

"Hey, I get it. It is tough how much you two are apart but believe in her." After Aaron finishes Kyle sincerely smiles to him. I haven't seen that smile in so long; it's nice to know it is still there.

Everyone leaves us alone; standing in silence he picks up my hand. As bad as I want to pull it away I don't. He drops to his knees on the gravel wrapping his arms around my legs laying his head on my upper thighs.

Gently, I comb my fingers through his hair. "I know I messed up, Riles, I'm sorry. Please let's go to our home and talk before the meeting." Looking down I nod.

We take a short walk and enter our bunk and he leans against the wall motioning me to come to him. When I get there he gently places his hand beside my face and breathes, "Sorry," again.

"We can't keep doing this..." I mumble.

"I know, Riles, please forgive me. I know I don't have any right to ask this but can you not...it doesn't matter. I'm sorry, I'll do anything for you."

"Can I what? Not talk to Remington, no you can't ask me that. He is a friend." His jaw tightens, and I think he is going to say something, so I give him a moment, but it never comes to his lips. So, I continue, "Kyle, I am scared, and Remington is just talking me through it."

"Isn't that my job?" Pausing for a minute he continues, "I get it I wasn't here the past week and a half but can't someone else help you? I had to do some things around my dad to keep you safe." Gently, he strokes my hair, and then he continues, "I knew when I went to MedTech today and they said you left. I knew I would find you two together."

"But that isn't what is going on here. Kyle, what I think I am trying to say is, no one is replacing you. Not now, not ever, no one." He pulls me into his chest when I finish speaking.

"Are you sure?" he whispers to me and all I can do is nod into his chest.

* * * *

At the meeting tonight, we are sitting out at the fire ring where several logs have people sitting on them. To the left of me is Toni and Aaron, beside me is Kyle, on my right is Napai and Jada and across sits Preston and Remington. As soon as we are seated Kyle tightly puts his arm around me and I ignore my pain cuddling up to him. I know he is doing this because Remington is here, but I might as well embrace how safe it makes me feel.

I come out with a general question which starts an avalanche of answers. My question is this: I want to know what everyone thinks we should do with our eight hundred new guests? Everyone is stating their own ideas. Napai and Jada naturally worry about us growing into a small city and we still only have eight MedTecs; Aaron takes care of that letting us know that they have five more in amongst the eight hundred. They had seven but two of them were killed during the attack.

For food I decide it is time to loosen up on the restrictions allowing people to have their own small gardens by their bunks. We must keep our community garden going for older adults and the children with no parents. We talk for hours on different fishing and hunting rules, rotation of lakes but when it comes down to it, we might not have enough. _And when people are hungry, let's face it, there are no rules._

"I also want in between our supply missions, jeep runs to try to find the elderly and the children who cannot keep going from their camp to ours. I know they have jeeps as well but let's help them get here." We all agree with my simple plan. "We also need teams to clean out those back bunkers, but they can also help with that when they get here. As much as we would like to do everything for them, let's face it, we have missions to run."

Soon we are at the end of the meeting, but we still haven't heard from Toni. I look at her; she finally speaks up. "I think we should see if the King Bry can help us with some of our elderly and our children." _She sounds awfully familiar with the king. But now is not the time to think about that._ I smile at her and encourage her to go on. "In fact, I think anyone who is not a necessity for the rebellion should be moved to a safe place." My heart stops when I think of Cami going someplace else. I mean it hasn't even been a full day I have been away from MedFac and I miss her.

"But even if they are not fighting, it does not mean they do not have a job and I don't want Cami going anywhere." _He must have read my mind. "_ Are all of our fighters going to agree to their wives, husbands, boyfriends, and children moving away? What about the fields, fishing and caring for the chickens?" Kyle asks.

I counter with "I think it is a good idea; we are losing a lot of innocent people. They're being killed in these camp attacks. I know we started with let's get everyone to a camp who wanted to be safe, but at this time...isn't one of the reasons we are rebelling to prevent guards from killing the innocent. But what's the difference now? Pratt's men are still getting to kill the innocent, our innocent."

Kyle continues his disagreement, "Not Cami."

Toni starts, "Kyle, I know you are the one who found her two years ago but think of her wellbeing." _Wait, what did she just say?_

Staring in disbelief at Kyle, I mumble to him and everyone gets quiet. "You found Cami? How come you never told me? I mean I know you said she was special _._ "

I feel everyone's eyes on us as he whispers, "I found her when I was in my specialized training; her parents were dead. I took her to Aaron not too long after he came here. Preston and everyone took care of her and I stop by to see her when I can. She was just a half-starved, scared little girl with matted hair alone in the woods." I feel the tears burn in my eyes as I wrap my arm around Kyle's back.

Remington speaks up next; it's the first thing he has said all night. "King Delrick had always said from the beginning that he did not want permanent refugees; that would spark another war between Pratt and him. But now his son is king, and it has been a long time since Toni has talked with him. Maybe he will help. Our mom and dad are in this group of eight hundred; I know they would want to take people to safety. I imagine it will take the king a while to be able to take them...that is if he agrees."

My heart stops and I watch Remington's profile. His parents were at the camp that was in the attack. Something must be done to change how things are. Toni and Remington, like me, have already paid the ultimate price for Pratt's presidency. I can't let them lose their parents too. My eyes drift over to Toni and I see her turned into Aaron's chest.

The First Transformation is when King Delrick took us from what was the United States. The Second Transformation is when President Pratt took us from the king. When the ground shook it was over that day when I was seven years old. After President Pratt won the war, or I should say the king withdrew to prevent more loss, President Pratt extinguished any highly populated area that he felt people would gather to prevent people from conspiring against him. _He is a sick person._ To ask the king's son, Brysen to get involved might not be a wise idea; the thought makes me nervous.

Finally, our meeting comes to a close and without any hesitation I leave Kyle and walk over to Toni, giving her a hug. Her surprise shows and I tell her I love her then let her get back to Aaron. Everyone says their good-byes and we go our separate ways to our bunkers.

Feeling a little lonely I walk over to Kyle and take his hand squeezing it tight. After stepping inside Kyle tells me he has a surprise for me tomorrow. He is going to take me someplace that he found.

"Hey," he softly whispers, "I can sleep on the floor; it's okay. And I wasn't trying to be difficult at the meeting. I know it's better for Cami to be gone; I just really love her and will miss her."

Shaking my head, I say, "No, Kyle, I now understand what happened between you and Cami." I give him another hug. "Hearing what you did made me so happy tonight."

In a quiet voice he continues, "She was so thin and scared I had to coax her to me; it was horrible." As I gaze at him I notice a tear on his cheek. I wipe it away for him. Taking a deep breath, I realize how bad my head hurts. Before I know it, Kyle has torn a section off his t-shirt to get wet and has also brought me back some water.

"Riles, this was a big day for you." I simply nod to him. "And I was such an ass." _I didn't stop his apology because he was/is an ass. I don't even know but at the same time he makes my heart happy with what he did for Cami._ "I'm happy the swelling has gone down in your face; it just looks so sore from the bruising." I shake my head slightly to him. "Does that mean I can give you a kiss? Just for a goodnight kiss?" I nod to him.

He gently leans over me while I'm in bed and slides my pants off. Any other time this would be exciting. He grabs one of his other t-shirts after pulling off my shirt and slides it over my head. _Which I let him as exhaustion is taking over me._

This is my Kyle, the one I am meant to be with. Lying down beside me, he leans over to kiss me as he cups his hand softly around the other side of my face. It's starts as a sweet kiss; before I know it, he forces his tongue in my mouth. Only on a few occasions has Kyle ever kissed me like this. As sudden as it starts he stops. Pulling away he whispers he loves me and goodnight. _What a wonderful good night kiss._

* * * *

It's early. The sun is just rising breaking the clouds that are edged in color. I used to love my sunsets and sunrises; somehow this has been stolen from me.

"Where are we going?"

"If I tell you, what kind of surprise is that?" I sound so pathetic every few minutes asking him how much longer? Where are we going? Will I like it? When can we stop so I can pee? You name it; every question a five-year-old can ask, so can I.

We drive down a pathetic excuse for a road, Kyle barely allowing the jeep to move, holding one hand on me to keep me still. Most of my facial swelling is gone; the only thing left are my ribs with the deep blackish purple mottling and bruising, then there are the other scars that have been left in me. Those are the scars that keep me awake at night, the ones that make me jump when anyone nears. Those are the ones, the invisible scars that hurt the most.

Kyle pulls into a clearing. As I see my surprise he sounds off, "We're here, Riley." All I can do is smile at this beautiful sight.

He has brought me to a house like the one we spent most of our scavenging trips on when we were little. It's a white two-story farm house; it used to have a wrap-around porch and the supports still remain. I love it.

"You like it?"

"Kyle, I love it."

"Your smile is all I've ever want to see..." He picks some honeysuckle and tucks it behind my ear. "There are more you know? About six houses in all. This used to be kind of an island I guess with the dried slough around it."

As he helps me out of the jeep he whispers to me, "We could live here, Riley. If you want, with me, and our friends could too. There are plenty of other houses close." He puts his finger to my lips and for right now I'm too happy to say what reality is.

I continue to let him lead me inside the home, not wanting to discuss my reality.

"Oh, wow, this is wonderful." It is everything I would ever want. A large kitchen area, large area to eat in, and I guess this main room is a living room. I feel Kyle tug at my hand; he pulls me to him and traps me against a wall. Picking my chin up slightly with his fingers he kisses me hard. His hand is no longer on the wall; I feel it graze my side as he continues to kiss me.

His hand pulls up my shirt slightly, so he can touch my skin and I let him. I feel a slight pain as he grazes my ribs and I stifle my wince. All I was ever taught about guys was that I was to be with Kyle, so I guess this is what it means. His kisses are becoming wicked, almost angry. I feel the stiffness in my jaw as he violently pushes his tongue into my mouth. I almost have a feeling of not being able to breathe.

I take my hand and push his chest away. He offers an apology, "Sorry, I got carried away. Did I hurt you?" I lie and shake my head no. _More scared me than hurt me._

Hours have passed while we are lost talking about living here and losing track of time. We take guesses at who might have lived here in the past. He shows me all the homes in the area and I must admit this is perfect, if I only could. There are barns, lakes, wells; in short, it is perfect.

"I'm not expecting an answer today; in fact, I don't want you to answer me today but please think about us living here. I don't want to lose you, Riles." I smile and nod.

* * * *

The next few days before Kyle leaves again, Toni agrees to take over things at the camp and we are spending time away from everyone else at the house that Kyle found. Just us. I'm hoping that this will bring us back together again. During the past two trips we brought Cami with us. She needs something other than helping at MedTec and Kyle wants to teach her to fish. It is like we are a family, the three of us and no one else.

Now, today is my last day here with Kyle; Cami is staying at camp; I want to have more one on one with Kyle before he leaves. We approach the house and he walks me inside and today I get past the front door without him pushing me against the wall. I slow down my pace in the hopes Kyle will make a move on me; I just don't feel comfortable enough to do anything first.

My wish is granted as he stops and pushes me against the living room wall. He is almost too rough. This time I'm unable to hide my wince but it doesn't slow him. Feeling his hands under me, he picks me up and walks up the steps. He places me gently on the bed then lies down beside me. His hand moves slowly under my shirt lightly across my ribs to my breasts.

I feel his hands gently massage my chest and I let out a small moan. He stops and pulls his shirt off then continues _. I don't even know what I want right now, and I am letting him touch me like this._ He continues until he takes my shirt off and then exposes me. Feeling his lips and his tongue I let out more moans. Until I notice his fingers are on the button to my pants. I feel the zipper go down and his fingers trying to slide under my underwear all the time he is kissing my breast.

"Kyle...." Nothing, he isn't responding. I let out a small gasp. "Kyle...."

"Riley, I leave tomorrow, please." His fingers continue to move under my underwear, causing a warm sensation.

"Kyle..." My words come out in small rasps. "Kyle, please..." I feel his fingers quickly move from my underwear and his kisses abruptly stop.

"Riley, I really want to make love to you. We are going to be husband and wife. Don't you get it? I love you." Letting out a loud sigh and turning he lies on his back.

My ribs hurt as I slide up to lay my head on his chest. "I'm sorry, I'm really sorry. I just.... just don't feel ready yet." My heart is still pounding hard and I am trying not to feel bad for stopping him, but it isn't working.

He slides my head off his chest and lies on his side facing me. "Why can't we? You tease me and then stop me." Horror and dread are filling me. Me a tease? Is that what he is saying? I thought he would understand. Then I feel his fingers tugging at my underwear.

"Kyle, I swear I'll be ready soon." I don't even know why I am saying this.

Sliding his hand behind my head then kissing me deeply he whispers in my ear, "I'm counting on you when I get back. I love you, Riley." Is that what love is? Somehow, I thought it was more than telling someone you love then expecting to be able to get in their pants. Is that all there is to it? I'm scared this is all there is.

* * * *

By the time we get back to camp it's late, but Kyle stops by MedFac and picks up Cami. He wants to see her in the morning before he leaves. He places her in the bed he set up for her in our bunker. We aren't talking much but Kyle holds me tightly before we drift off to sleep.

Kyle, Cami and I get up early. I have a few eggs, so I make breakfast before Kyle leaves. Cami and I walk with him to the jeep. Kyle hugs Cami kissing her on the top of the head. He makes her promise to be good while he is gone. There is nothing like seeing how a guy interacts with a child; it makes me smile. When it gets time to say goodbye to him, I wrap my arms around him while he whispers in my ear to remember what happens when he gets back. While we kiss Cami is yelling for us to stop; we are being gross. We stop kissing and Kyle scoops up Cami giving her a ride to MedFac. Then he is gone. Just because he wants to keep me safe and I assume see what his dad is planning but at least I know he isn't going to try something stupid like kill his father by himself. I talked him out of that. _Or so he says._

Toni walks up to me and asks how I'm doing and I have to ask, "Toni, what does it mean when I turn him down when Kyle wants to have sex?"

She laughs a little and flat out says, "You weren't ready, or you aren't sure; either way he shouldn't push it on you."

"He didn't... Well, he kinda did; he said we had to have sex when he gets back. I just thought maybe I made a mistake or there was something wrong with me."

"There is nothing wrong with you, but the fact you said sex and not make love leads me to believe you aren't sure. It's okay, he should understand and, Riley, him telling you that you are going to have it with him when he gets back, when you aren't sure... its...well, that is wrong of him."

Why do I feel so bad?

* * * *

For two weeks I have been keeping busy to try to keep my mind off things. We divide into teams. Aaron and Remington against Toni and me. We have target practice with our bows now that Kyle brought mine back, the one he was supposed to continue my training on but that didn't happen. The bow that Remington gave me, and I was convinced Remington kept, but he didn't; he had given it to Kyle.

Tonight, they are smoking us, and I feel bad for Toni because her shooting is dead on. I can't say this for myself; all the arrows are hitting the target just not "the" mark or really any mark on the target or even inside the outer ring of the target. As I think about this I let out a big sigh, getting everyone's attention.

Instantly feeling my cheeks go red and everyone staring at me, I say, "Sorry, sorry. I'm just not my best today. I'm off to the showers."

"Hey, we will practice. This is not that big of a deal. I'm impressed as hell with the shape your ribs were in that you can draw the string. By the end of the week you'll be back." Remington nods as he says this to me. I know what I'm in for and really, I'm a little excited knowing he will be working with me again. _Just to be clear, this is because when he trains, I learn._

Walking back from the shower I hear Toni, Aaron, Remington and a voice I don't recognize. I might as well go tell them goodnight. As I approach I hear their harsh whispers.

"Someone has to tell her what we were just informed," Aaron says with his voice so deep and smooth, which catches my attention. _Tell who, what? I'll just go up and ask._

Then Remington states, "I can't hurt her like that. I hurt her once and swore to myself never again."

I stop and do something I never thought I would do, eavesdrop. I can't recognize the next voice.

"He is meeting right now with his father about another camp attack. Kyle is dangerous to have around here."

What? ...My heart stops and I can't see straight. My breath is fast and my ears are ringing. I feel tingling in my fingers and a cramping feeling in my hands. As my vision fades suddenly I feel a sharp pain in my side. As I slowly open my eyes, I realize I'm on the ground and they are standing around me.

Now, if my ribs didn't feel bad enough from trying to use the bow today, I have come crashing down on my side on a branch. All the air has been sucked out of me while I lie here in pain staring at them. It's good the air is gone anyway so I can't talk. What can I say to them?

"Aaron, can you please carry her to her bunk. See you guys later; I'm staying with Riley," I hear from Toni.

At my bunk, Aaron sets me in on my bed and Toni whispers to him she won't be home tonight. I feel her climb onto the bed behind me and just wrap her arms around me. The memory of her coming over after they took my mom comes flooding back to me.

I hear her whisper a question I dread hearing, "Do you want to talk?" I shake my head no, while tears make their tracks down my face.

Come morning I still am not ready to talk.

Remington is here speaking to his sister and again just like when they took my mom they are speaking like I'm not in the room. Of course this time I'm not talking back to them so maybe that is why.

"You have a connection with her, you always have. Why don't you take her for a walk and see if she will talk with you? I'm not sure what all she heard but her keeping it pinned up is bad for her. Help her out." Toni's voice is laced with pain. When I hurt, she hurts. She is only the best of best friends. Before she leaves she tells me she loves me and never meant for me to be hurt.

Naturally Remington wants to go to "his" spot, the one he said he would share with me. All I can do is listen and stare off into the water.
Chapter 29

Sometimes the world slams a cruel door in your face and   
seems to laugh at you while you run into it.
My reflective time that Remington so carefully set up with a canteen and some apples just stopped with a crashing halt. Remington is walking me back to the bunk when I see Kyle standing there. It is all I can do not to go all spider monkey like.

"I'm not letting you leave again until I have some answers!" I scream at him while my voice cracks, not caring if anyone hears me or us.

"You, you want answers from me..." Kyle points in the direction of Remington. "...and you are walking out of the woods with his arm around you." His voice is drowning with venom as he speaks. His eyes show the hurt. They are no longer the beautiful hazel with gold flecks; they are big but flat like the life has left them.

"That's enough," Remington adds as he glares at Kyle. Nodding my head, the direction we just came from I am hoping Remington will take the hint and leave. Breathing a sigh of relief, I watch Remington out of the corner of my eye reluctantly stammer away. Before he disappears, he says one final warning, "You touch her, you hurt her, I told you before I'll kill you." My body shutters at his ice-cold threat to Kyle.

The darkness seems to be closing in around me, coating everything black while the cicadas are singing. There are loud bellows from bullfrogs that can be heard from the lakes making their way to the front of my bunk where we are standing. I try not to waver as I walk, with my knees feeling weak from the implications that I have learned or the crying, I'm not sure which, but I know it is too much for me to take. With each step, my head pounds and I feel another piece of my heart tearing away. My despair hangs in the air so thick knowing I can't survive. It wants to choke me, to completely suffocate me.

"Why?" I can't speak the unspeakable; all I can do is stutter this one word. I want to know why. What could he be getting in exchange for getting all those people killed and destroying their camps? How could he help his dad? How can this be the same guy that found the little girl in the woods? My world is crushed. I thought...I thought he was on my side and hated his father. I thought he loved me. How could he lead the guards to our other camps? It's impossible, he wouldn't. There must be a mistake.

"What do you want to know? You are going to have to tell me more than just why, and if it came from that douche Remington he only wants to break us up, so he can have you. Don't you see that?" He speaks in a breathy whisper to me, but I can tell he isn't telling me something; I just don't know what.

"He has always wanted that; he has always wanted you. I really hoped when you were around other guys you weren't that naive. I know you haven't been around this many before. But they all talk." _Is...is he trying to make this be about Remington wanting me?!_

"It's not Remington, it's you, and how could you betray me? Us? All of us!" My words are coming out laced with hate. I want him to hurt, to feel what I do, to bleed the pain I am. He couldn't be this cruel, not the boy that I grew up with.

"He told you?" He is looking back the direction that Remington walked off, then muttering, "He never stopped trying since he wanted to take you on a picnic when you were seventeen." Then he laughs, "Maybe it is me that is the naive one."

"No, I mean yes, he told me, but only because I overheard all of them talking about it. They didn't tell me on purpose, and I don't want to believe them. Please, I am begging, tell me everyone is telling lies, I mean... I mean all of them are lying, please." My voice is small, pleading as the sharpness falls away like paint peeling from a wall. "Never mind, I know they aren't. Look how you are acting."

How could this end so soon? The two of us were forever. We were laid out for each other like people lay clothes out to wear. We fit each other.

His hand reaches my arm, but I shake it off. I am searching for a sign in his eyes that they are wrong, but I can't find it, and my legs feel weak. "Riles, at first I wasn't sure what you were saying, but I think I am now and it's not what you think." I watch him try to reach for my arm again.

"What does that even mean? It is a yes or no. No gray, not about this Kyle, no. You can't skate by." Each word I say wounds him; he flinches from my voice.

The silence is deafening. Even the distant bullfrogs seem to have stopped to listen. As hard as I try, I can't look at Kyle; I find myself staring at the ground over and over again. It hurts looking at him realizing this is the end. He has been deceiving me and is betraying everyone.

"I didn't have a choice in any of it. God, do you think I could do this without a good motive? Please, tell me you think I couldn't do it without reason."

"There isn't a reason, Kyle, none. Don't you get that? There are over a hundred dead with this last attack, and on the first attack there were one hundred and thirty; we were lucky on the ones in between, but you think there is a good reason? What am I supposed to think? You never even talked about it. What could that reason have been?"

"You..." He pulls me by my shoulders and I am inches away from his lips staring at him. "...They were going to kill you or worse. Everything I did was to keep them from killing you or raping you or both." He pulls me into his chest and rests his chin on the top of my head.

Pushing hard away from him, I'm not believing what I am hearing. "No, No, No, you can't do that. You can't say that." Seeing his perplexed expression, I continue explaining, "I would die for them. I will always take them over me."

"But I couldn't let you. I am to protect you. Riley, I love you." His voice quiets to a whisper.

"Tell me the truth about Julie." I can't help it. I have been a pouty little green jealous teenager since his father said it and I saw it back at his graduation; still it plays in the back of my head.

"No holding back, I will tell you everything." I am nodding to him. A deep breath escapes me, and I hope it doesn't sound like I am put off. I do want to hear what he has to say; it's only fair.

"My dad would tell me every day the key to life is always to be on the winning side. When I was punished for saying I was on your side as a kid, he would hit me over and over. You know the belt he would use until I would say I would be on the winning side. There is nothing but the winning side." Just when I thought my chest could not hurt anymore it surprises me with a sharper pain.

"You and the Rebels or Pratt's, whoever he could get the most from by whatever means necessary. Didn't you see that, Riley? When I was fourteen before I left, I knew my dad was spending a lot of time with your mom. Not necessarily doing the right things." My eyes move to the ground and fill with tears.

"I knew something was going on but before I realized it or could warn anyone I was locked up. In a cell like the one you were in with no one around ever to help me escape. Not that I could; I had to stay diligent for intelligence. He tortured me every day, telling me his plans for your mother then you. I was beaten daily for information and still am, but I have never said anything, I swear." He tries to pull me in closer to him again.

"My dad is stupid he kept me locked up so much. What could I have known? It didn't matter. He had the bright idea to start using me like a tracking dog to the other camps, and I let him. If he was kept busy he would keep away from you I thought. I always tried to warn the camps first." _That explains why we didn't have more casualties._

He stares into the darkness talking quietly almost to himself and I hear, "It never did matter to my mom; as long as Dad said there was a reason, I was to be beat." I try to stifle my gasp; I always thought of Sarah Kendell, his mom, as the good one. I had felt pity for her.

"One day while in the infirmary I started to see Julie differently; she started just attending to me not any of the other guards." My shoulders tighten not sure I want to hear anymore. He must have read my mind. He places his hand lightly on my shoulder almost afraid I will push him away again.

"She was nice, very nice to me..." _I was right; I don't want to hear this._ "...so, I thought of a plan. The more I lay there, and she took care of me, the better my plan became.

"My dad had already threatened not just to kill you but torture you if I didn't find all the camps after I was out of the infirmary from his beatings that kept putting me there. I couldn't let him torture you. You would die. I knew that, so I went back to be a tracking dog for him, finding those other camps. I tried to convince my dad that I didn't care about you. I kept up with Julie thinking what if I wasn't interested in you anymore? It was all a lie; well, it started as a lie." He gives my shoulder a gentle squeeze almost like he is testing the water.

"God. I'm so sorry; what started as a lie with Julie I was lost in; it felt good to have someone right there to take care of me. To take pity on me right in the moment. I was the weak one. It was stupid because in the end it didn't matter. I was with her while he came for you and I wasn't there to protect you." His voice quivers.

"Did she know you were using her?" I try to hold back all of my feelings; if I am going to scream and then fall, I may never be able to pick myself back up. He shakes his head, and it feels like I am dying all over again.

"Out of all that, that is what you want to know? How could I tell her that because at that time I wasn't sure if I was using her; that's what I'm saying. I know now I was using her." A knife goes through my chest and the tears slowly roll.

"I don't know what to say to you, Kyle. You talk about me and Remington, when it is you, you who lost sight of us. Not only that, you lost track of what we were raised to do. "

"No, Riles, I didn't. I never lost track of what I am supposed to do. I was raised to protect you." Feeling my world crash around me, I shove him hard on his chest.

"I had a house; all the guards get one. She moved in, but after I saw you the first time standing in your t-shirt and we had lain together talking about everything, I knew I had to end it with her. I only saw her a few times; we were dividing our stuff up the night my father had you picked up. Then I was locked up in a different area. I couldn't look at her right anymore... I want you to know that." He stops to wipe the tears that are in his eyes.

"Did you know your dad was going to pick me up?" Looking up at him, I see him avert his eyes but not answer.

"Did you know your dad was going to pick me up?"

After a moment of silence, he starts to answer, "It's not what you think, Riles."

"What does that mean?"

"It...it means I kinda, well, I had a feeling he was going to. He said he wanted to talk with you himself. But he swore he would not bring you to Pratt's or hurt you."

"Why didn't you warn me, help me?"

"I ended up locked up. What could I do?"

"You have to believe me. And about Julie, I used to stop there to check on her, but I slept mostly in the bunk room or at other guards' houses. I don't want to be near her and she doesn't care about me that much anymore. She wants a safe place to live; her parents threw her out."

"So, am I supposed to feel sorry for her too? While you let me almost get raped and killed by your father." Kyle shakes his head.

"I'm sure Remington told you that I would kiss Julie very passionately like she was the only thing that mattered to me. I was ready to tell you that it was a lie but that's very cliché..." _Hard for me to breathe right now_ "...I couldn't ever really be with Julie; please believe me." I shake my head no.

"I don't care, Kyle. I just want you away from me and here. You betrayed me but that is nothing compared to what you did to all those people."

I hear anger in Kyle's voice. "Well, I did kiss her, and I would make such a scene in front of my father he was jealous. It made me feel good. I had finally found a way to get to him."

"Just to be convincing," I mumble.

"Yah, Riles, to be convincing. I didn't love her; hell, I don't like her most the time, I don't care about her." I give Kyle a sharp glare.

"Riley, since I saw you, I realized I only care about you. It all came rushing back to me, how much I love you. I don't care about Julie, not in the least bit anymore."

"Well, that is not helping your case. You knew what your dad was going to do and didn't warn me. You led him to all those camps. You can have Julie; I don't care anymore," I huff.

"Look at me, please." He gently lifts my chin up. "I did everything for you, the camps, with Julie, and I was locked up, damn it."

When they say silence is the loudest noise you will ever hear, I never knew what that meant. I now know what that means. The hurt that I feel is so powerful the ability to cry is locked in that silence, unable to release. Knowing what I have to do, when this is over, a choice will be made.

After a few more deafening minutes I clear my throat of its cotton balls, trying to swallow them down so I can speak. I finally figured some things out.

I try to catch my thoughts. I know they are rambling. "It was me who was used by you as an excuse to have hundreds of people, innocent people, killed." My mind is made up.

"Kyle, you need to leave."

"What?"

"Kyle, I'm sorry, but you have to leave." Not recognizing my voice, he is staring at me remaining motionless.

"If you think anything of me, you will leave me alone. We are not on the same side. Your side, my side, hell, Kyle, we have sides now. How did this happen?"

"My dad, that's how. I told you. It isn't me, I had to save you."

"We see things differently, and things have broken we will never be able to fix." It's like my voice is its own entity, cold and detached while I die inside.

"Is it because of Julie? Hell, Riles, I made a mistake. We all make mistakes. I could never feel anything with her like I do when I'm near you. Please believe I was locked up when my dad came for you."

"I knew you were lying about Julie from graduation on. I tried to push it away, but it kept resurfacing. That is not what this is about. You betrayed me by betraying the Rebels; we are one and the same. Don't forget that," I cast out at him.

"You want to really know about Julie?" Kyle doesn't wait for my reply. "When I was getting beat to save you, she made me feel good a lot of times. That's right, Julie made me feel good. Are you happy? You wanted me to hurt you more?"

Kyle is still not waiting for me to say anything while I feel myself wanting to collapse on the ground. I can't breathe from the pain inside. Tears are welling up in Kyle's eyes as he looks at me. I try to get rid of the hurt expression on my face, but it has nowhere to go so it stays.

"When I heard some jackass guard talking about you and wanting to take you on a picnic, I had to come see you, Riles, and once I saw you again I couldn't look away. I knew I was living a lie and had to be with you."

I shake my head and he drops his shoulders, turns and slowly walks away.

"I never meant to say things like that to you. I never meant to hurt you, but I had to protect you," he says with his back to me. _I must be stronger. I want him back and he hasn't even left._ As I watch him slowly disappear into the darkness, my eyes silently cry with each blink. The silence releases its hold on me and my tears start to fall. Collapsing on the ground, I find myself half lying on the dirt, propping myself up with my elbows, hysterically crying, and allowing the tears to fall freely.

Before long I feel Toni at my side kneeling in the dirt beside me. Thankful for her friendship, thankful that her bunk is the next one up the dirt path. She doesn't say anything, just wraps her arms around me while I cry.

I cry for what seems like hours in the dirt with Toni beside me. She speaks, her voice just above a whisper, "I know you hurt, sis. You cry as long as you want, and I will stay beside you."

"How could he do this?" I ask Toni in between sobs.

"Desperate people can do desperate things," she says as she hugs me a little tighter.
Chapter 30

It's a miracle when you think how fast a child takes over your heart.
Months have gone by since I banished Kyle. I still think about that night, wondering if I was wrong to throw him out as harshly as I did. He was, or sometimes I think he still is, my knight who fights my battles. He was the only one I knew would always be around, and I sent him away, away for good. Not allowing any room for working things out.

That night when he left, I let myself go until I found the strength to pick myself off the ground and make myself be the person I am supposed to be. I am to lead these Rebels, and that is what I now do. Admittedly, I have been a different person in Kyle's absence. Not that I am always strong, by no means, but I know I can have a wall between people and me, well really just Kyle and me.

I haven't asked Remington if he was the guard that wanted to take me on a picnic about which Kyle overheard. I know he is, but he also made it clear he was only there to protect me, even though he has since apologized and said we were friends. I use the words to keep perspective with him also.

Since that night that I confronted Kyle, we received the eight hundred refugees and we are working well. Remington kept his word and I can shoot my bow like I never set it down, like my injuries never occurred. Toni and I try to sell the moving idea to the young and people who aren't necessities, but no one wants to leave. They call this home, and no one wants to leave home.

I have a new rule though; no more feeling sorry for myself; my job is these people. I am trying hard not to let all my anger be cast at the wrong people, these people. I only point my hostilities at Mr. Kendell, the guards that won't come to our side, but mostly I direct it to Pratt. My hate runs deep stemming from the dad I didn't know to the mother who was taken from me to the man who ruined the boy I was to be with, then to the sadistic bastard that murdered countless people and his guards. Pratt.

* * * *

It's time. It has now been six months since Kyle and I parted. All of the Rebels have been training hard, me included. I can now shoot better with the bow than I ever could before. They even have me shooting a gun, well, as long as I am close to my target.

We notified everyone that we thought would fight for us today of our meeting. We all gather in a small area that has logs laying haphazard in a semi-circle for seats, although most people stand. It is nothing fancy; it has a picnic table in front of the semi-circle of logs which is where whoever is talking stands. We aren't too far from the MedFac, amongst large oak and elm trees. Calling everyone together in such a small area was probably not my smartest idea. I thought I had learned everyone's faces, not even close. I've never seen over half these people. _Guess they really all live here._

Toni has taken me around trying to introduce me to many of our residents, but mainly so I know something about the people who are willing to die to make a difference. I only want people gathering who are going to actually fight. _There can't be that many people willing to fight._ Some of these people are only kids, younger than I am and I'm only eighteen, almost nineteen. It...it seems I am robbing them or if not them I am robbing their families of a child.

I am seeing so many faces, knowing they are looking to me for guidance _(wave of nerves)_ or at least I think that. Many of these people here do have more experience – I'm not even sure how this happens – even the ones younger than I am. _I remember the raids on the allotting center, when I was seven, the older Rebels here did that. It was eleven years ago; now they are looking at me._

Me of all people. I let a laugh escape. Reality sets in; I know how this happened, because of my dad, at least that is the story Aaron told me. Aaron told me he was smart, and kind like me. I never knew him, but he was a great leader Aaron said. He was the one who started gathering Rebels during the war of The Second Transformation. Big sigh while I think if only I had known him, he could have taught me.

"Okay, quiet. Everyone be quiet, please." Well, this isn't getting me very far. Toni is motioning for me to stand on the picnic table. I take a few steps and stand on top of the table; I watch everyone casually speaking to one another like this is a festival of some kind. I am hearing them talk to their friends about the crops not doing well, how they want places with windows. _Seriously? You heard right; they want bunkers with windows for the love of it all._ And how they wish they had more meat to eat.

Motioning my arms down, I try again. "Everybody be quiet!" Useless, nothing, not even a small glance my way. Squinting my eyes, I see Toni next to Aaron, mouth to her "help me;" she shakes her head. Great, that's what friends are for, to tell you "no" and leave you hanging. My sighs are getting longer. If my mom were here she would kill me.

Feeling someone bump me, I turn to see Remington at my side. He smiles to me. I am watching him and before I know it he has his thumb and index finger in his mouth and an ear-piercing whistle comes from him. I stand and just stare at him. _Note to self, I need to learn how to do that._

The crowd is so quiet anyone could fart, and it would be heard by everyone. _Sorry, that was kind of crude._ **"Riley has something to say, so shut the fuck up."** Okay, I didn't expect that. I am leaving my mouth gaping open. I might have been too nice, but he is downright ugly.

Before I can thank Remington, he is jumping down and blending in with everyone else. Now, I think... Uh, oh the swirling has started. I am going to puke; they are all staring at me. Why are they all looking at me? There are thousands of eyes staring at me; well, maybe not thousands but it seems like it. There my stomach rolls and again, uh oh, this is not good. Shit, I'm supposed to say something, but what? Really, I don't know what I was going to say.

It's happening; someone in the crowd is yelling, "Are you going to say anything or just stand there and look pretty, now that you have everyone looking at you." My anger is kicking in, and I want to take it out on someone. _Deep breaths try to calm down._ I'm going to pummel that man. But he makes me think about what I am doing here.

_Breathe._ "As you know, we are starting our missions again." There is a low murmur amongst everyone. We have been training hard for this. _What I mean by training is I get knocked around like a rag doll while other Rebels try to kill me. On the bright side, I can run and shoot a bow at the same time like a crazed person and make my mark every time just like before, really even better._

"If we want to win we have to strike, and I don't know who shouted out a few minutes ago but I take it as a compliment, so thank you." Bowing and curtsying to all the people still looking at me, I hear another low murmur and a few laughs.

"We are going to win. I won't accept anything else. Do we want to stand here and do nothing while the girls out there get raped?" I am digging my nails into my hand, so I do not break down after what Mr. Kendell did. "What if it is your daughter? Your niece? Or your grandchild? We can't even raise our boys in our own home anymore past the age of five. Can we let them keep brainwashing all of them?" There is a resounding "No," and my heart sings with happiness.

"We are going to take them down piece by piece. He lives with his servants, taking from everyone, leaving us scraps and beating our children. Hell, he even beats the adults. Are we going to live like this? Or are we going to take them down?" Finally, they are cheering and giving each other high fives.

"People are getting torn out of their homes and persecuted for, for..." My mind flashes back to my mom as I continue trying not to choke on the lump in the back of my throat. "...People are being killed just as a hobby. Let's end this!" In unison, everyone screams, "Yah," and I am stammering a little at the awe of it.

"We will assign three teams; simultaneously hit three more ammunition warehouses." Immediately people start talking amongst themselves. "Before anyone asks anything we are not the only ones doing this. Three other camps are each doing two warehouses. We have more people and more equipment, so we can do more. We are taking down all the known areas of ammunition except the ammunition bunker that is under Pratt's house where I was kept in a cell."

Lancey walks up to me and stands on the table next to me. He is putting his hand up in the air and starts talking. "Before anyone asks if this makes a difference let me just say with the help of Canada and our borders to the east and west he isn't able to buy weapons. Besides, we need them. Also, try to collect anything we can make bombs out of. Even the sugar for smoke bombs will help." Then Lancey hops down from the table.

Some guy I have never seen before yells out, "This is a suicide mission. She is sending us in to do her work then die."

_Don't pummel him; don't do it...no pummeling, no pummeling._ "I'm going also. I would never send someone somewhere I wouldn't go myself. If we want change it is going to be hard. People **will** die. If you aren't up to it, then don't go. I won't force anyone."

Before I can finish my sentence, voices start from all around me confirming they will go. My heart is beating hard in my chest. Tears leak down my face from my happiness at everyone's response. I jump down from the table trying to hide my face, knowing it will show my uncertainties that turn inside of me.

Looking down, I walk over to Toni and she pats me on the back. "You did well up there. You're a leader."

Slowly raising my eyes, I look right at those blue eyes that remind me so much of her brother. Inhaling deeply, I mutter, "You abandoned me to die up there. You suck as a friend."

"Wow, a little stressed much?" Toni laughs. "I didn't leave you there to die; I left you there to lead." She squeezes my arm then gives me a reassuring smile. "And it is working. Look at everyone trying to find what team they are on. Better yet, look at my husband while he tries to keep track of everybody." She chuckles more as Aaron looks like he is ready to pull his hair out.

It still sounds strange to me when she calls Aaron her husband. I knew there was something between them when he briefly was a guard at school. When she finally gushed about him at my house after my mom was taken. Feeling a slight jolt running through me, my thoughts fill with sadness and maybe a little bit of jealousy mixed in. How did Kyle and I end up enemies? How did we end up having sides? Maybe I keep hoping _...deep breath..._ that I will stop being pissed off and find a way to move on... without him.

* * * *

Forty-eight hours left.

"Wake up, Riley, come on." I feel a tiny hand that goes with the tiny voice. "You promised, Riley, you promised me."

"I'm going, I'm up, really." Since Kyle has been gone, Cami spends more and more nights with me. Kyle already had the extra bed here. I think it is good for her to get away from the MedFac area and be less grown up even if it can only be a few nights a week.

"Nuh uh." I open one eye slowly to see the birthday girl standing with her arms crossed in front of me.

"Cami, I wouldn't welch on my promise. I told you we would get the eggs this morning and we will, promise."

"Before someone else gets them?" She taps her foot impatiently at me. _Who is this eight-year-old drill sergeant? She is so me at that age._

I rush to get my teeth brushed while Cami glares at me, holding her basket.

"Okay, race you?" She looks up at me and grins then she is gone!

"Whoa, where are you going so fast, birthday girl?" I look up to see Remington moving out of Cami's way.

She pauses looking at him. "We have a mission too." Remington salutes her, and she is off again. I shrug my shoulders to him and wave as I am running by. She races down to the chicken coop, and I follow.

"I beat you!" She squeals with excitement causing the chickens to run to the other side of the fence.

"I want to let them out, Riley; it's not fair for them to be caged up."

"Can't do that; the foxes will hurt them." She pouts for a second as she opens the gate. Once she heads into the coop, she forgets everything else.

As I enter the coop, I watch Cami stumble and drop her basket. It all plays out in front of me. Her eyes roll, her arms fall limp and then the unthinkable. She begins staring into an abyss only she can see, her arms pull back and her back arches, she is convulsing hard, and a slight pinkish foam is coming out of her mouth.

I let out a blood-curdling scream at the sight. My baby, my Cami is turning purple around her lips. I scream her name over and over. Why isn't anyone coming? Where are they? She continues to shake and sounds as if something is caught in her throat. She doesn't have much room in here. God, where is everybody? I scream again.

Remington is the first one who comes crashing through the door. Lancey's wife Cody, who just had our first baby at the camp, is next. _What is she going to do?_ Finally, there is Lancey. He reaches and pulls me out of the way as I try to fight to stay next to her.

"You need to move, Riley." He pulls again, and I let him.

What I hear is his wife. "She's having a seizure, and we have to just let her have it."

My eyes are filling with tears as I scream, "She's dying; can't you see that? Help her, PLEASE!" She's only eight, just today she is eight." Lancey has a firm grip on my arm when I finally notice the guttural breathing has stopped. Oh, my God, she is dead!

The first one out of the coop is Remington with Cami in his arms. Her body hangs lifeless. Her eyes that usually shine with brightness so full of life are closed. While I try to fight Lancey to break his grip that he has again on my arm, I don't notice his wife walking out of the coop.

"Cami will be alright," Cody says as she places her hand briefly on my shoulder. I fall to my knees. Looking up I see Lancey and Cody following Remington to MedTec.

I can't move; all I can do is kneel. I listen to the gate squeak as someone walks in, I can't pick my head up to look. Thoughts are racing wildly in my brain. What if she doesn't make it? What if there is something else wrong with her? Has she ever had a seizure before? I don't know; would anyone know? Hearing some type of muffled sounds above me, I feel a hand being placed on my shoulder.

"Come on, let's go check on Cami." Aaron's voice is soft, gentle; he is with Preston. Looking up, I nod to them as Aaron holds his hand out to help me up.

As we are walking in silence, Toni joins us. All I can think of is Cami, if only I would have gotten up earlier. We made plans last week; her turn to gather eggs would be on her birthday. She loves the chickens which are now loose. One of the children's jobs is to care for them, and they all do so well, especially Cami. She is always so serious with her jobs; she pulls more weight around here than most of the grown-ups. Not only does she help with our chickens she helps in MedTec. I can't lose her, I won't, I...I love her like she is mine.

By the time we walk into MedTec it is full of people. Everyone here is because of Cami. Being not as tall as the rest of them there is no way I am going to see what is happening. That's when it happens; Jada grabs my arm and pulls me through the people. This can't be good. I'll close my eyes praying for the best and hoping, hoping everything will go away. _Doesn't work._

As I follow Jada through the people, I see Aaron pushing everyone back out of the door. I stop dead in my tracks and turn Jada to face me. My face must look grim because she immediately confirms what Lancey's wife said, "She's going to be alright." Finally, I can breathe.

"Riley," I hear in a hushed tone from Remington as he squeezes my hand, "it's okay."

"She's just starting to come around, but she was whispering your name," Napai explains.

Pulling a stool over I sit next to her bed with my chin resting on it. My hands immediately rub the side of her face pushing the hair away from it. She's just eight years old and has led a more mature life than most adults. Why can't she just be a kid? No worries, no hardship, never have to be hungry, just play like a kid is supposed to.

"Sorry, Riley." Cami's words are shaky as her tears start to fall.

"Cami don't say that. You have nothing to be sorry for. We are going to let Napai and Jada take care of you and get you all better. This time people will be waiting on you, and you let them, okay?" Cami gives a faint nod. Feeling Jada's hand on my shoulder, I know she is trying to tell me to leave so Cami can rest.

Leaning over Cami, I kiss her little dirty cheek and pull a sheet up on her. I promise we will have a birthday party for her when we get back from the mission and she is feeling better. I can't leave on a mission? We can't leave on a mission, not right now, not with Cami sick.

As soon as Jada, Napai and I are out of the room I stop. "What is going on? How bad is she?"

They look at each other, and Napai begins. "We don't know. Checking her blood sugar, it is off the charts. She needs some insulin. We have some but not for anything permanent. We just aren't prepared for this."

Just then my heart starts feeling like it is going to come out of my chest. My ears are ringing. I exhale slowly before I speak, "So, what are you saying?"

"I'm saying we are going to see if we can use what little insulin we have, and I don't even think diet will control this without insulin. If she has another seizure – it's not what I really want to do – but for the time being, I have a very small quantity of anti-convulsive medication. What she really needs is that insulin and we just don't have much here." I nod to her; it's not what I want to hear, but I know they are the best, and they will do what is best for her.

As I turn on my heels to leave I almost run Toni over. She is standing next to her brother and Aaron. "Riley, I know this is horrible, and I don't want to harp on you."

"What?" comes out much more sharply than I mean it. Seeing Toni flinch I am filled with guilt. This isn't her fault.

"Deep breath," Remington adds in.

"We need to make sure everyone knows the mission is still on," Toni quietly says.

"What? You have got to be kidding me. Didn't you just see what happened to Cami?" Now, I'm fuming. I can feel my own heat radiate from me. I am trying desperately to walk away from them, but they match my pace.

"It has to be on." Aaron is talking now. His deep voice is almost melodic, soothing. almost caressing my ears.

"We have our people inside ready. It's too late to stop it. We have other camps working this too, remember." I stop to look at everyone and as if it is rehearsed, Toni and Aaron leave me with Remington.

"Hey," Remington murmurs, not trying to be seductive just talking quietly which I appreciate after my morning.

"Hey," I say back lifting my eyes to meet his.

Placing his hands on my shoulders, he begins to talk with me. "You know we have to do this, right?" I nod; I know deep down it's now or never. It isn't just that we have our inside people. Our other camps are striking at the same time. We can't spread our other camps thin; if we don't attack at the same we would be sending them to their deaths.

"She's tough, right?" Again, I just nod to Remington. "I will get her medicine, Riley. I will get her insulin and anything else she needs." My eyes just stare at his. "You aren't the only one who cares about that girl."

"What if it...what if she needs...you know, more?" My eyes fill with the familiar burn from the tears that want to come crashing down.

His blue eyes never falter, looking into mine. "Then I'll do whatever it takes to get more for her." I must be looking like I was going to say something else because he quickly comes back, "We take it one day at a time, Riley. It's all anyone can do." I wrap my arms around him giving him a hug. 
Chapter 31

There comes a time in some people's lives when saying   
_I love you_ is just three words.
Making my way to the all too famous picnic table, I can see a crowd start to form. _Damn, I hate this picnic table. I'm going to burn it one day._ Hopping up on the table, I have no desire or intention of making much of a speech. They just need to know the mission is still on.

Taking a deep breath as I stand here I hear a whistle from behind me. I don't need to look; I know it came from Remington. Remington always has my back, not like my fiancé. _That is another story and not a good one._ I draw in a deep breath and wonder; where did that thought come from? It's been over six months since I have seen Kyle.

"Okay, by now everyone knows that little Cami has had a seizure. She's much better, thank you." Biting down hard to keep the tears at bay, I stare off above everyone's head.

"The mission is on; I want everyone getting lots of sleep until that time. Make sure you eat well first then sleep." _All of a sudden, I hear my mom's voice coming out of me._ "I need three volunteers to help Lancey distribute the smoke bombs in each of the vehicles." I pause shrugging my shoulders.

But back to what is important. "I can't tell you how important it is not to smell them, do not get the smoke bombs close to your face. Kendra, over there, will be taking the people who are not going on the mission to help divide the food we will be taking with us. That's all I have. The people who are going, meet here in two days. Make it at O-one-hundred hours!"

I hop down; people are crowding me as I am pushing my way through. Not bothering to talk with anyone or answer any questions, I walk as fast as my feet can cover the ground without breaking into a run, trying not to raise alarm. I throw the door open to MedTec. The person who greets me is the last person, the very last person, I expect to see.

"Hey." His voice is music. _Stop that, you are mad at him. You can't trust him._ His hair is long, and those hazel eyes that never change. _You are not forgiving him._

Standing here, I'm speechless. My breathing stops while I am trying to find some kind of sound, anywhere, preferably from me. Speak, I need to speak; it's my turn, I'm speechless.

Managing to mumble a "Hey" back to him, I try to remain casual as he smiles. My heart flutters. I didn't think he could make me like feel this after all he has done. _Remember what you just thought. I'm not forgiving him._ My mind tells me, _don't get excited, he isn't good for me,_ but my stupid heart betrays me.

I watch him walk back into Cami's room? What the hell? How does he know? I walk up fast behind him. He pauses without turning to look at me and says, "I came as soon as I found out." Then he continues to her bed.

"It was just this morning." I counter.

"I guess word travels fast." That's it? That's all he says before he turns his attention to Jada.

"Like I said, she will be very tired; let her sleep." Jada gives me a worried look. It isn't because Kyle is sliding his arms under Cami to pick her up; she is worried about Cami. We don't have what she needs. Right now, we only have a little valium to help out and a little insulin. She acknowledges my expression of bewilderment as I watch Kyle walk past me holding Cami tightly to his chest.

"Where are you taking her?" My voice trembles but my eyes are throwing daggers.

"To our home, Riley, or what was our home. She was asking for you and wants to spend the night with you before you leave. She asked, and I told her it was okay, and I would make sure I tucked her in before I leave." I can't lie; seeing the way he is with her makes my stomach do flip flops.

Jogging behind Kyle, trying to keep up, I watch everyone's confused look as we pass. _How did he get past the outer guards? Note to self; talk to them._ Passing Kyle, I open the door to our bunk. He keeps his pace as he passes, laying her gently in the extra bed, her bed.

Cami rolls over face first and Kyle quickly drapes his coat over her. They are quite a team. I feel my cheeks as they pull back my mouth into a smile. She looks so sweet and peaceful lying here.

"What are you smiling at?" I jump a little, not sure how to answer Kyle's cool detached voice.

"You, her, I don't know. It just...I just did."

"Don't. You might give me the wrong idea."

"What idea is that?"

"Hope." Kyle lets out a large sigh.

My mind is being racked, but one thought keeps creeping back to me. Did I take Kyle away from Cami? He is the one that she trusted first when he found her and had to coax her to him. She has been through enough at her young age. Am I robbing her of more.

Kyle is standing here watching me watch Cami. "Beautiful, isn't she?" His voice is softer, and I nod, glancing his way. Looking at him, I can see he is debating if he should get any closer to me.

Slowly and very carefully he speaks, "I miss you, Riley. I don't deny I have done many things wrong. God, so many horrible, horrible things. I'm not asking for forgiveness, I can't. I can't fight you anymore. But, tell me you wouldn't do the same for me."

Hell, I don't even know what I am doing, but after a long silence, it is time to tell the truth to each other. "I miss you too..." I whisper, "I know it is easy for me to say but you should have told me." Keeping myself an arms distance away I continue, "We could have worked things out together."

He backs away from me. "You didn't answer me. Would you do the same for me?"

"I did answer you, Kyle; I would have talked to you. Moved you, whatever it took to keep you safe, them safe." I am waving my hands around, so he understands I mean everyone.

I know things are never that easy, but I can't tell him that. I can't make those words come out of me. I remember Toni saying, "When you're desperate, people do desperate things." I also remember almost seven months ago, when I first came to the camp and I insisted on going on a mission to get firearms. It was a total asinine decision, but no one died. If I truly believe that no one could have died I should step down now. I took a gamble with other lives.

With Kyle, all I can think is about the innocent people who died, the innocent children who have no parents, the fact he was aware his father had me. There isn't really a question. Back then if it came between Kyle being killed or the innocent people at the camp being killed, I wouldn't have chosen Kyle. I would still like to believe that I would have made that choice. _Am I being honest with myself?_

Looking into his hazel eyes, I realize, well, they still don't shine, but he's not the person he was before. His face shows his stress, the lines at the corners of his eyes, the hideous black rings under them. The hollow cheeks, the weight loss from his guilt.

"What are you doing here, Kyle?"

"You know I came because of Cami." All I can do is shake my head at him.

"Why did you stay? I mean why haven't you left?" _That was blunt. Ease up there; don't pull the trigger yet._ His eyes are glassy with the tears about to fall.

"I love you, Riley. It's stupid to hope for, I know, but why aren't we fighting for us? We fought enough against us right along with the rest of the world, but why didn't we fight for us?"

My voice temporarily hushes as my heart pounds out of my chest. I stare back to Cami; she is a beautiful little girl who loves both of us.

"Can you be honest with me?" He nods in answer.

"Ask me anything; I will tell you, but you might not want to know the answer." His eyes are sad. He is ready to tell me anything or everything.

"Why did it take you an extra two years to come home? Why did you do that to us?"

"They were training me to use the tracking equipment. I need the technology; we need it here, it could help. You know the other reason." _He was really with Julie, huh. No, I'm wrong; it was his dad. He was helping his dad, trying to keep his dad away from me. That is what he is saying._

"The way your arms are trembling you think it is because of Julie?" I nod without looking at him. "God, I made that out more than what it was. I was trying to hurt you. I let Julie have my house. I did a few things with her. Well, maybe more than I care to admit. But most of all, I thought it would be another screw you to my dad and Pratt and keep them away from you. She didn't have a place to live either." Kyle sighs deep and long.

"My dad, Riley, he knew after graduation I was planning to come and get you. I knew he was getting dangerous. I wanted to take you away, so he couldn't push you for answers. But before graduation he figured out my plans and I spent most of the time locked up. If I wouldn't recite my purpose I would be beat in front of new cadets. Hell, he would have me guarded when I was tracking with orders to kill if I didn't perform. Knowing what I was going to have to do to protect you made me sick. I had to lead attacks on the other camps, so he would keep his promise and stay away from you. I was and still am ashamed of myself."

That's what Mr. Kendell meant when he said, "Kyle knows his purpose."

"He would do this to you or worse. He could keep you locked up, Riley. You have already been at his mercy once, almost raped, that was nothing. He has done horrible things to people."

Getting within inches of my face, he whispers, "He can do much worse; he would have done more than just taken advantage of you. I could not risk you being hurt by him or caged by him. I couldn't lose you. I knew when I was fourteen before I was taken to the Academy I was in love with you."

"But if I meant so much then why did you make love with Julie?" Now, I sound like a jealous child, again.

Clearing his throat, he is still staring at me, almost expressionless to someone who didn't know him, but I know the look. "No," he says firmly, "...why are you asking me this?" His voice cracks. "...I never did make love to her; we just had sex and messed around some, nothing more. I kissed her, and I can't say I did any of it just once. I'm not proud of that." He sighs again. "I could not have done anything more with her once I saw you that night in your t-shirt. Riley, I couldn't because of you. Don't get me wrong; she is beautiful _(Wow, that stabs.)_ and was always giving me attention. All the other guards were jealous of me. With her no one looked at me like poor Chief Kendell's son; it was more like, how come that hot chick is with him?" _It wasn't supposed to be like this._

I could admit to myself I knew he had been with Julie, but I couldn't have prepared myself for the hard punch to the upper stomach I am feeling.

"I want to know before we do anything else. Are you done with her?" I am sounding just like Kyle did, what seems like a lifetime ago about Remington.

"I need to work through this. I don't know if we will be an 'us' again. We may never be; maybe we never were. It might feel like I just used you, and maybe that's all it will be. Always know this revolution and these Rebels will come first, and I mean always. I don't know if I can trust you again with my heart or the Rebels, and I don't think I can have you staying here in camp right now."

Pulling my hand to his mouth, he kisses the back softly. Closing my eyes, I take a deep breath trying not to let it show how much I want him. "I will do whatever it takes, Riley, to be with you. Use me, make me stay away, as long as I know there is still a chance for us." He whispers the rest next to my ear. "...I love you."

Looking into my eyes, he begs to ask me a question. Nodding to him, my mind is racing trying to figure out what he is going to ask me. It's not like I have been the one running around getting our camps blown to bits, is it? And all of this I had to overhear from a stranger talking to Aaron, Remington and Toni. _God, that hurts._

Quietly Kyle asks, "Do you love..." _Please don't ask; please don't ask if I love you. Cause I don't think I can right now._ "...Remington?"

I know my mouth gaping again; I should shut it. _Yes, that is a great idea; shut your mouth. It has to look dumb hanging open like a deep cavern of nothingness._ I am not ready for this question either. _I didn't see that one coming_. Silence fills my bunker except for the faint snores from Cami. He starts to back away from me, and I know I have to tell him something, the truth. "Come on, Riles; I've watched you two. You look at him when you think no one else is watching and he does the same. In fact, I get jealous of the way you look at him like he is all you will ever want."

"I don't know. I mean no, I don't think so." Well, that is probably the worst answer I could have said and a lie. I never thought I would have to put in words what I feel for Remington and I don't know if I should right now. _Please don't walk out._ "I don't blame you if you walk out." _Please don't walk out, not over that._

There is again that damn silence that keeps getting in between us. This time though he is staring at me, up, down, and back up. Gathering my hands, he begins soft and sweet, "I'm not letting go, Riley; I know somewhere you feel something for me. It's in your eyes; it's when I brush against you or whisper in your ear. You have a mission in a day and a half; I know you won't let me go with you, and I know I shouldn't ask or stay, not yet."

Walking over, he kisses Cami on the cheek. Spinning to return to me he cups my face in his hands and gives me a feathered kiss on my lips. Closing my eyes, I can't move. He releases me, telling me again that he loves me, and he will see me when I return in a couple of days. _And again, I say nothing back to him. Geez, just say something already. But then there is that little ugly voice saying he is a killer. He's a cold heartless killer who knew his dad was going to pick me up and never said anything until I corned him. A murderer._

As he starts to walk away, I do something that is so spontaneous, so dumb it amazes me. I am calling his name. "Kyle,..." _No, it is more like I am shouting his name._ He spins around looking at me while I am almost running to get near him. I am wrapping my arms tightly around his waist as he pulls me into his chest. "...I just want to say, 'Thank you;' you know for Cami and everything." His chest heaves a deep breath as I whisper. He wants something more.

So that's what I do; I am giving him more. "What am I going to do with Cami when I leave? I mean she'll want to stay here until I leave and that will be early in the morning and tomorrow we will be finalizing plans early. I can't wake her up. She is sick and needs her sleep."

I am almost mumbling knowing this is a mistake. "Kyle, will you stay with Cami? Just so I don't have to wake her? She'll wonder where you are anyway."

That damn awkward silence that we never had before fills the bunk. "I mean sleep near her bed just in case she needs something, please."

He is staring at me for what seems like an eternity. "I will always do what you ask, Riley; you know that, and that little girl means the world to me." Kyle sinks down to the floor in Cami's room without his coat because that is on Cami and closes his eyes.

"Kyle,..." His eyes spring open and he gets back on his feet. "...you can sleep in my bed." He follows me. Sliding my hand on my bed, I motion for him to join me. I'm finally getting the courage up because I'm lonely and need something warm to make me alive again. I am thinking back to when he first came back before his graduation. I want that feeling back.

"I want to lay some ground rules. You can't come back right after the mission. I'll give word if and when you can come back. I have to think on that."

"Then why did you invite me to sleep in your bed? I can go back by Cami."

"The concrete is hard and cold." Taking a deep breath, I'm not sure I can go through with what I have to say. "If we do anything don't..." I am trying to figure out how I want to say this. I feel Kyle's breath on the back of my neck and it sends a shiver of excitement through me. I feel his soft kisses on my neck and I clear my throat.

"Okay, don't think everything is going right if we do anything; it doesn't mean anything like that."

"No, it means you want to use me because you are lonely." I am taken back with his words but isn't that what I just said?

His fingers quickly unbutton my pants then he pulls them off. I pull my shirt off while he gently lays me on the bed. Not another word is spoken between us. So, I guess he is agreeing to my terms. His fingers trace my jaw down my neck and to my breasts where he roughly gropes them. He is biting, sucking and kissing me _. All a little rough_. He is leaving me moaning for more.

My thoughts quickly vanish as he tears at my underwear...clearing my throat I softly say I will not go all the way with him. Then I feel his tongue tracing my ribs and see his head nodding. As I find myself with my fingers in his hair, his tongue has found its way to my hips.

Tonight, I don't care. 
Chapter 32

Old friends from the past who you lost in time are like your keys you misplaced, always a welcome sight.
We're here, not there at our layover campsite, but here at our mark. Toni is already tied way up high in a tree, leaving me worrying about her being able to get down or move fast enough if things go bad. Luckily, she's pretty kick ass with a bow and has big guns for back up. _And she can aim them._ Looking through her binoculars, she is relaying what she sees.

We have our eyes on them as we call them, two of our best at using bows in the trees. Toni is one of them; the other person I don't know very well. This ammunition warehouse is in a heavily wooded area, allowing one of our Rebels to see from the trees the north and east side of the building without having to move. The part of the woods thin, letting go of its underbrush once you get deeper in, with the sun not able penetrate through the taller trees.

As I look back at the warehouse through the binoculars, I'm thankful that the electric seems to be hooked into the building on our side. I also notice unfortunately that the sliding doors are on the other side, but there is a regular door close to us and it will do. _That is how Kyle explained it._ Our other lookout covers the south and west side. When it is time we will have a thirty-yard sprint that will be out in the open from the woods to the warehouse; we will be running through a field of ragged dried grass and rocks.

I hear some squelch in my headset then Toni begins, "Well, shit these guys have no imagination. We have three on each side the north and east. There is supposed to be twenty-two of them, right? That takes out six in my line of vision. All are dressed in Pratt's regular guard uniforms. No purple ties yet, so, none of them are ours." I hear a low whistle then Toni continues, "That is one big building. We are looking at two-stories and it is probably fifty feet long. Think of the goodies inside." Then Toni belts out a maniacal laugh. It's hard not to laugh with her; she sounds like she can't wait for this to go down.

I can't help but be thankful that before I came to the camp seven months ago, Aaron and Remington did a mission in the basement of Pratt's house. They stole these headsets and radios literally right out from under him. Apparently, Aaron changed the frequency on the radios, so we can't be heard. Aaron changed all the radio's frequencies in less than a week, pretty geeky impressive.

"Yah, that's what we were told, twenty-two." Aaron answers, bringing me back out of my thoughts of being impressed with Aaron's electronic ability, and back to the mission.

Toni's straining resonates in her voice causing me to glance at her as she tries to stretch to see better.

"What are you doing? You are going to fall, stop it!" Sounding like my mom, I snap at Toni.

"Where is the truck, I don't see our truck?" I hear something rare in Toni's voice, excitement. She can't wait to start. "This waiting is killing me."

I hear our other look out on the radio, "Truck is on the way and I have the same on the south and west, three at each." He is letting us all know how many he sees and to get ready. I don't know him as well as I should, but if everyone else trust him I do too. "Truck is in position." He calls out over the radio.

That only leaves ten on the inside or our Intel is wrong, and it better not be wrong. Or I will find whoever Remington got the information from and they will be dead intel people for not getting the facts right!

"Alright, it's time." This is my last pep talk before we rock it. "We stay cautious, stay careful, and we all come back, no one is left. Got it?" There is a garble of "yeahs" coming across the headpiece. "Let's go."

My last words set everything in motion. As we are pulling our masks over our faces, not that we care if we are seen, our lookouts are detonating the smoke bombs, and soon the guards will be dropping like flies with the gas the bombs will make.

As we start filing out, I say one last thing, "Toni, take care of that bow; it is a gift you know." I hear her give a little chuckle, knowing full well she is aware her brother gave it to me.

"All down in my vision! Those guards spun around to see where the smoke that my arrow set off was coming from and **bam, dropped to the ground**!" The other look out shouts forgetting we have earpieces in and my eardrums feels like there could possibly be blood coming from them. "Sorry, didn't mean to get so excited." _Okay, he apologized, I can't stay mad, deaf maybe but not mad._

"Just don't forget to finish them," I remind him, guess I can't yell or really say anything; I did the same thing the first time they were teaching me to use the ear pieces. As soon as the smoke drops, our lookouts hit them with arrows, sending a large quantity of a sleeping drug and gas into the guards. This is the easiest way we found not to alert the enemies that their guards are being taken out. No screams, no crying out and better yet no guns being fired to alert anyone. If the guards get hit in the wrong area I don't think they'll be waking up. Ever. Not my problem; they should have picked a better side to be on.

"The guards are down over here too." Toni signals us to move. The lookouts now become our survival from anyone approaching outside.

As we are running with our masks on, both lookouts confirm that Pratt's guards are out cold. As I make my way right behind Aaron to the building, Remington is behind me and Lancey is last. Aaron looks at me and motions for me to move to the left. Now that I am near the warehouse I see it is a heavy corrugated two-story metal building with concrete at the base. I feel like an ant next to it; it is a lot taller than I thought now that I am near it and briefly look up and examine it. Then I look back to the woods quickly and the thirty-yards we ran now looks like three-hundred-yards to run back.

The important thing to remember is we are going to have to watch the noise. One thing dropped, one shot fired, it is going to alert anyone in the building. Quietly I whisper to everyone, "No one use your guns in here unless it is a last choice." The team nods. Those are instructions I don't want to give. I quietly say a prayer to myself.

After my last instructions are given, Aaron gets busy. We are going to cut the power. They will come running out, count on it. All ten guards that are left in the building will be here. I'm ready.

Power is down, and we wait against the building with my gun aimed on the door. Glad we are close; this is not my weapon of choice. Glancing over to Aaron he sees my confusion; they should be running out by now. What the hell? Motioning to my right for Remington to slide the door open, I prepare to shoot whoever is behind it. The door quietly slides and there are no guards here. We are so screwed.

Glancing over at Aaron, I am pointing to my eyes, so he is aware that I need Toni's eyes on the building. He turns his hand quickly waving parallel to the ground to let me know she isn't seeing anyone. I should have known she would warn us if she sees anyone.

Waving two fingers to Aaron, I motion for him to take Remington and work their way into the building while Lancey and I cover them. We alternate doing this until I catch movement in my vision; the guard doesn't see us...yet, but I have good sight on this guard. Holy crap, they don't know we are inside. Or this is an elaborate trap and they baited us with a guard acting as if he doesn't see us.

My heart is in overdrive, knowing I have to make the right decisions; there are ten of them and four of us in here. _Won't think about the odds right now._ But I don't see them; this warehouse is like a giant candy store of guns. There are rows of metal shelves with wood crates; some crates are closed, and some are proudly displaying the arsenal that is safe inside the crates' wooden sides. All the rows of shelves neatly line up with main aisles that are wider. It is as if this is a city laid out with the shelves being the skyscrapers and the aisles being the roads. I never imagined all of this could be here. The only sound I hear is my breathing and the hum from the lights that are dangling above. We are on the first floor, yet I can only assume the second is set up the same.

I keep running through all the plans and scenarios quickly in my head. I motion to Lancey, so he is aware of our company. I don't hear conversations or any body language to indicate the guard I see is with someone else and the question remains now, where are the other nine? _I don't like this. It feels like a trap._ I slowly nod to Lancey, and he reaches with both arms and snaps the guard's neck then lowers him to the ground. This guard didn't stand a chance.

No time to debate; nine more to go. Remington and Aaron take the lower level while Lancey and I quietly climb the stairs to the second level. And I was right; there are rows of shelves with the wooden crates. Some are open, some are not. This is a metal building with a humungous sliding door at the end; it is two stories, but the center of the second floor is open, so you can see down to the first but with a railing of two horizontal bars to keep you from falling.

Lancey is too far ahead of me; I can't check everything and keep up with him. That's it; if we make it out of here alive, I am going to kick his ass. It's playing out in slow motion while someone in black fatigues ( _a guard)_ with dark hair is leaning the side of his body against the short center rail while getting the drop on Lancey.

Without thinking I am running, jumping and planting both my feet into the guard's shoulders. That move would have made Preston proud if he were here. Well, except for... First of all, a man, the guard, falling over the safety railing to the first floor with his finger on the trigger of his gun because he was getting ready to shoot Lancey, he makes a hell of a loud thump. Then, an ear-piercing shot rings out that echoes because the guard's finger is still on the trigger. And last thing, I have no air to breathe because I just fell from shoulder height to the floor. _Didn't think about that when I was running and jumping in the air to kick him._ I landed hard on the concrete floor. Pain radiates all over, my shoulder, arm, ribs, my hip are all killing me! Damn earpiece fell out too; chalk this up to a real smooth move. With my mask still on I can't get the earpiece back in. But, at least I didn't go over the railing with him.

Catching my breath, trying to at least, I must move, now. I am just starting to get on my knees when two hands come in and sweep me up. We are standing between the rows of shelves. It is Lancey; I'll say a silent prayer later. Maybe I'll forgive him for leaving me behind. Shots start ringing out in every direction, but they aren't up here. No, no, not Remington or Aaron, I do another impulsive thing: "Lancey, go help them."

"What? No."

"It's an order," I grunt at him.

"It's a stupid one. I'm not leaving you."

He's right. I know I'm irrational, but I don't care. "They need help; they need help right now. It's not up for discussion. They need you."

"I go when you go," he counters. I would shoot him myself for saying that if I didn't know he is right.

"I'll be there in less than five; the explosives are up here somewhere. Go mid-way so you can cover them, then you can see me too." I can't leave it at that, nope. I have to throw in, "If that will make you happy."

"Fine."

"Good, go," I grunt to him, sounding like my eight-year-old self having a tantrum.

He cautiously walks back from me where he is covered by the shelves; Lancey isn't that far from me but he is shooting down on the first floor, and damn he is good. If I know one thing about Lancey, he never misses his mark. The guys call him the "dead shot," but I will never call him that. His ego is too big already, but I love him all the same. This leaves me digging through bin after bin looking for detonators, making it impossible for me not to let my guard down, but I have to keep searching. This set of shelves is useless, nothing good in them, time to move on to the next set.

Carefully I change rows; this set seems to be set wider apart than the others. Glancing at the end of it, I see there is an open door. Damn it! If I am smart I will go to where Lancey is but looking through these bins isn't going to take me that long. Just a few more bins, I know I am going to run across the detonators. I can do this quickly.

Scanning the bins, I see the wiring for the detonators, so I know I'm close. Damn that door being open is just messing me up. _It's just an empty office or something; just go already._ Let's think about it, with all the gun fire on the first floor, no one should be in that room; they would be down on the first-floor fighting. _Oh, just go through the bins already; stop wasting time._

My back is toward Lancey, and I face the door as I turn and look in this bin. Holding my breath, I feel a pistol barrel tightly press to the back of my head and my mask is being yanked off. I do not realize I am squeezing my eyes shut but as I open them, I see a guard standing in front of me.

The guard in front is muscled from what I can tell but thinner like Remington, but more importantly he is aiming his rifle at my head. He looks familiar, but I can't place him. Great not only will I get the back of my head blown off, they are going to take the front of it off too. If this isn't a "no win situation..."

I hear the guard behind me say, "Another step and we can scrape her brain matter off of the floor."

"No problem, Harding. I'm putting my gun down. Just relax, she isn't going anywhere," Lancey says calmly. He isn't completely around the corner, so he doesn't see the other guard in front of me. Damn it. Why couldn't he just go downstairs? He has a new baby; he doesn't need to get himself killed too. On the other hand, thank goodness he is here, but my fear is he cannot see the other guard with the gun aimed at me. _Please don't get shot._

All I am doing is staring at this blonde, almost white-haired guard. I think, no, I don't, but he looks like I should know him.

"Garrett Harding?" I shout, when I should shut up. But I think Lancey just said his name to the guard with a gun in the back of my head. The blonde-haired guard is just staring at me; of course, that is all I am doing back to him. I can't bribe my eyes to blink right now. But he has the gun so that kinda makes sense.

"How do you know me?..." the guard behind me asks. He pauses as if he is thinking. "Did we sleep together or something? Huh, doesn't matter, you are dead anyway." He shoves the gun deeper into the back of my head, and I am stumbling forward a little till I feel a sharp jerk of my shoulder blade from his hand.

I watch the guard in front of me as he pulls the gun tighter; it's like a slow-moving picture. I hear people coming up the steps; I'm praying it isn't more of their guards. Staring at the blonde guard in front of me, I see his shoulders are back and his finger is slowly tightening; soon it will pass the point of no return on the trigger. I hear the shot. _Why did I hear the shot?_ I shouldn't hear anything; I'm dead. _Damn body doesn't even know when it is dead. Fall already._

But, I still can hear other things; I'm still standing. Glancing down at the floor I see the guard who was behind me, Harding's boot turned to the side... the blonde guard in front of me shot Harding. _Why did he do that? Not that I want to die but..._

Really, I need to thank this blonde guard or is he still going to shoot me. Damn it. Before I can register what, this guard is doing for me, he begins to speak. His gun is still pointing at me, so I think I might still die.

He is laughing a little to himself. "I finally found you, again. I always told myself I would never forget you even when I couldn't picture what you would look like anymore. But then I saw you again, and when the electric was killed today, I knew it was you."

Who is this man? Should I tell him I don't know who he is or should I just play along? Oh, I'm going to die after all. "I...I'm sorry, I don't think, I'm not sure who you are?" By this time, I hear Remington, Aaron and Lancey coming around the corner, I imagine with their guns drawn.

There is a commotion as Lancey behind me is trying to get Remington and Aaron to drop their guns. What is going on? Lancey must be the only one who realizes this guard still has a gun pointed at me or Remington and Aaron don't care; they think they can outnumber this one guard. Or I'm still going to die.

"I never thought you would remember me, Riley; after all, I wasn't Kyle." Pulling my eyebrows together, I try my hardest to place him. "I'm not offended; I only wanted to help you in the garden."

Whispering his name, I know who it is. "Levy?" He nods to me. In front of me stands the boy who just wanted to help me in the garden but wasn't allowed by my mother. The blonde headed boy who apologized for making me cry after my mom yelled at me about him. It's him all grown up.

I'm losing all my senses as I hear the rest of my team scream at me to stop as I start forward toward my remaining gunman. He takes a step back into what I can see now is clearly an office and is setting his gun down.

**"Don't!"** I cry out. He tightens his grip back on his gun. I know I lost my earpiece, but I shout to Aaron and Remington, **"Don't shoot him; he's my friend!"** Lancey apparently already knows him.

Spinning around, I bark orders to my team. "Go open the doors, signal the truck and get the things we need!" For a change, or it is a supernatural miracle, Lancey, and everyone else do as they were told, leaving me alone with Levy. I hear Lancey as he goes down the steps telling the others, "It's cool; I know him too."

"Now you can put your gun down if you want, but I understand if you don't." I tell him. He smiles at me and places it on a makeshift table. "How long before they notice things are down here?" It seems like we have been in here too long already.

"Riley, you guys, have less than ten, before Pratt's protocol kick in. They will send more guards for back up. So, you need to get out. The power being off alone with the backup not kicking on will set off alarms. But we are pretty far away from anyone else, so it will take them about another five minutes to get here." Levy's voice is putting a heavy emphasis on the "you need to go," so I figure forget the guards drive time and be out of here in ten.

Walking to him, I take his knife out of its sheath that is strapped to his opposite leg from his holster. I cut off part of my purple scarf then walking up to Levy, I tie it around his arm.

Looking up at me, he smiles and says, "It's not really my color."

"I'm not letting you stay here, and we use purple on our arms, so everyone knows who the good guys are. We only use it during missions."

"You are going to take me hostage after I just saved your life, again? That's hardly a thank you."

"No, I want you to come with me, and I want everyone in camp to know you are one of us. The purple tie on your arm should do that. At least until they know you and thank you."

"Ahh, so you want me to, give up all this?" He waves his hands around then laughs.

"Well, you did just save my life..." I am smiling back at him, "... and this isn't the first time is it?" He is shaking his head "no" to me.

"Grab your gun," I say, grabbing his hand. While the others finish the truck, we run over to the explosives and grab what we can carry. I then put my earpiece back on; I feel stripped without it. As we meet up with Lancey and Aaron, Remington looks at us with one eyebrow up, but he's smart; he isn't saying anything. Realizing where else I know Levy from, I can feel the dread building in my stomach. He saw me naked.

As our truck pulls out there is no room for us in it. We have it packed tight with ammunition, things I have never seen before but that's how we planned it. We are running for the woods, Aaron in front; Levy and I are next, leaving Remington right behind me then Lancey covering the back. I hear Toni still up in the tree yelling in the radio, **"Go, go, go, the back-up guards are here already, hurry!"** There is no denying the panic in her voice. Aaron is in the woods with Levy, and I am right on his heels. As I turn to see Remington I hear a shot.

Time starts crawling as I watch Lancey fall forward. **No, no, no.** All I am suddenly doing is pointing and screaming, "I need cover!" I hear Toni and our other lookout lighting up the warehouse with gunfire. Remington launches some smoke bombs, fighting his way closer to the warehouse. Then he launches grenades, leaving everything in flames while Aaron and Levy go for Lancey.

Levy with Aaron's help is carrying Lancey into the woods as Remington launches more smoke bombs, creating more diversions. While diversions are hot, our lookouts quickly come down from the trees. I can hear the crackling as the field finally is bursting into flames. Shit didn't think about this. We have room for six people in the jeep not seven. With one wounded we have less room. I am not wanting to look at the extent of his injuries, but I have no choice; he needs help now and I freeze after I see him. _This can't be my Lancey._

Levy and Aaron carefully place Lancey in the back of the jeep. He is barely conscious, and so much blood is coming out in pumps when he moves. It is already soaking his jeans and is dripping making a puddle on the jeep floor. He is shot in his upper leg and losing blood fast. This can't be happening; he has a newborn back home; he's a good man. Lancey doesn't deserve this.

Levy pulls off his shirt off. He takes out his knife and makes strips out of it. Grabbing the tire iron, he makes a tourniquet that can be tightened and released. Lancey's bleeding slows but not enough; it isn't going to be long before he bleeds out.

"It's a two-days drive to camp; he doesn't have that kind of time." I say and then I feel a pull on my arm as Remington leads me away from the group.

"Hey, I know you knew this Levy guy when you were little, but let's not tell him where camp is. And don't forget we drove slow getting here and decided to camp so we were not too tired to do this. We can't get Lancey back in time, don't give up just yet." Remington's eyebrow is up waiting from my answer about Levy.

"It is more than that Remington; he saved my life." His eyes roll at me. "Not just in there, when I was in prison, wet, naked and frozen. He saved me." I reached out and gave Remington's arm a squeeze. "He's coming with us."

"You believe in him?" I quickly nod to Remington's question.

"That's good enough for me." Remington nods in understanding to me but goes back where I see Remington pulling Levy back a little.

As I am walking up I hear Levy, "He's my friend, man, back off." I quicken my pace to see him nose to nose with Remington.

"I just want to ask you one thing?" Remington is still nose to nose with Levy and continues his question, "Do you think we can do some surgery if we have to in the back of the jeep?"

"I don't know if it will do any good; he needs blood," Levy answers. My heart sinks deeper.

"We have enough people here that we can each drive; there is no need to stop and make camp," Levy points out as if he was listening to what Remington had just told me.

"We don't have enough water for everyone and more important for Lancey. We left it at the campsite and there is no way we can stop by and get it. I want him to have mine," Remington counters.

"He can have mine too, I don't need anything until we get back, but we are leaving right now," I grunt.

Aaron hops into the driver's seat, our other lookout with him, leaving Remington with his sister Toni in the middle. Lancey is lying flat or at least the best we can. Levy and I fold ourselves together between the roll bar and the tire. It isn't comfortable, but at least I can watch Lancey as Levy continues to work on him.

Levy is like poetry, from tightening and loosening the tourniquet to giving him water. Levy is doing it all; he does not want help. I can feel and see how much Lancey means to him.

I watch him, and I remember that night in my cell. How I thought this guard wanted something more from me. How he looked at me and told me I was beautiful. How he gave me a shirt and his jacket to keep warm. All the while I never recognized him then, but he remembered me. _I owe this man my life; all of these people I owe everything._
Chapter 33

Devotion and love of a friend cannot be put or shown in better words   
than the willingness to give yourself for them.
Aaron isn't letting anyone take his place driving; this is his thirteenth hour and he shows no sign of slowing as we enter camp. I catch glimpses of people diving out of our way. More than one time I have found myself clinging to the base of the roll bar to keep from launching over the side of the jeep or screaming for everyone to get out of the way. Although I know it is useless; they will be hit before hearing me at the speed he is going. Watching everyone in horror, I see the adults and children scampering out of our way as Aaron sounds the horn. All I can do is pray no one is on the road. Wedging my legs across the jeep, I prepare, knowing the brakes are going to be slammed on at any moment.

**"Damn it!"** I spit out as I feel the warm ooze of blood from where I hit the side of my head on the roll bar just now. Thank God though we're here. I listen to the final gravel spray as the jeep skids to a stop.

As the dust settles from the jeep sliding, everyone starts moving, but at the same time, it feels like no one is. Not one person is moving at any kind of speed they should be. I hear their screams, **"Move, move, move, get out of the way!"** It's me who is not reacting. Levy grabs my hand dragging me aside.

Watching in horror, my stomach turns while Aaron and Remington carry Lancey's lifeless body into MedFac. As my brain finally turns on I am running in to the building. I see Levy pass me with his shirtsleeve rolled up, arguing with Napai.

"Take my blood, he needs it." Levy's hand latches on to her wrist. _Please don't back hand him, Napai._

"We don't do that here," she snaps at him.

"We are doing it today, right now, right here with my blood. It's type "O" and Lancey is going to need it!" Levy is demanding that she does something now.

It registers that two people are arguing. Not now: I don't have time for this. I'm not sure what is going on, but it is done. We need everyone working together on Lancey, so I interrupt, "What's going on here?" _I'm in bitch overdrive with a person who is hurt who has done so much for me._

"He wants to try suicide or something, and I'm not going to do it." Napai is staring at Levy. " **I don't even know who he is!"** Napai never gets flustered.

"Sorry, Napai, this is Levy...." Before I can finish Levy cuts me off.

"It is called a walking blood bank; all she has to do is take my blood then give it to Lancey." I place my hand on his shoulder. "Riley, please. I'm begging. When I was at my lowest not wanting to go on after my family died when I was in the Academy, it was Lancey who kept me strong. He never judged me about what side I might be on. He accepted me. He accepts everyone and judges no one. We need more people like him." Looking at him, I see the pain, frustration, but mostly I see the fear of losing his best friend. I see Levy's determination; he can't let his friend die and neither can I.

Looking back to Napai I say two words. "Do it." Then I add, "or I will." _Please do it, Napai. I would never be able to do it._

Napai manages in a low voice, "I've never done this. We always had bags of blood in school. This won't be filtered tested or anything. It's kinda of dangerous for Lancey."

"Do it. We don't have time to think about things like that right now!" I bark out.

"I'll tell you what to do," Levy adds in a much calmer voice. _Who is this guy? How does he know this stuff?_

I give Levy's shoulder a gentle squeeze then walk out of that room to a fricking hot mess.

Trying to walk into the room where they have Lancey, I notice everyone is gathering here. Toni is here with Aaron, masks on and gloved up. I can't help but be taken back by the blood that is down the front of them, Lancey's blood. Remington is off to the side his face like stone; his lips are locked together in a thin line as he shakes his head.

I am working my way over to him not allowing anyone in on my silent tears. He pulls me into his chest while we stand and wait. In any other circumstance, this would surprise me but not today, not with what is happening. He whispers into my ear that it isn't my fault, but it is, and I know it. He is just being kind.

While Napai left Levy to his own, I guess she is hanging his blood, Jada is closing up Lancey's leg. We stand, we wait, and we pray. For another forty-five minutes I don't move while they work. I want to go see Levy and tell him that Lancey made it through the surgery.

As I near the door to the hall, there is loud blood-curdling shrieking, almost animal like. His wife, Lancey's wife, Cody is here. **"You, you did this to him! This is your entire fault! How could you when you know he has a new son! You did it to him, you bitch! Why did you let him go?"** It is no longer animal like; those words are coming out loud and clear. Standing in shock, I see her petite little body shoving past everyone, pushing me.

Aaron is there first, gloves off, mask still on, with Remington right behind him. I don't even know how he made it past me so fast, but thankful that they both did. In a way, I guess I'm thankful, but I won't stop her from hitting me; I deserve it. It hurts; she has something in her hand hitting me in the chest. I'll probably have bruises tomorrow. _Yep, definitely have bruises tomorrow._ I don't care though. She is right; I did this to Lancey again. He is very loyal to the rebellion or to me. I shouldn't have let him go. Even if he is our best shot, dead shot, and we needed him. I should have kept him out of harm's way. He has a new son. What was I thinking? It was my selfishness wanting him there that did this.

**"Stop it!"** I am screaming at Remington and Aaron. They have her arms around her back escorting her out of MedFac. "Let her see her husband, please. Please..." Choking up, I cannot continue the rest. I take in long deep breaths as I try to regain my composure. It feels like the air I breathe is being sucked through a tiny straw. "She needs to be with him." Aaron and Remington look at me, and I nod.

"She just attacked you." _As if I could miss that._ Nodding to Aaron, I am aware of what is going to come out next. So, I cut him off.

"I need to go see Levy. If it weren't for him, his tourniquet, his quick thinking and now his blood which is going to be used, we would have lost him."

"Are you alright?" Remington asks. I nod to Remington and at least he isn't stating the obvious to me. _He better not say it is not my fault because we all know it is._

"I'm alright, but I can't punish a man's wife for being upset that he almost died on my mission, under my responsibility."

Remington reaches for my forearm and I shake his hand off. Before Remington speaks again he clears his throat and whispers to me, "It isn't your fault." _Okay, now he is just pissing me off._ I can't acknowledge what he is saying; it is my fault. I won't look him in the eyes; I almost made a child grow up without a father.

Keeping my tears at bay, I push past Aaron and Remington to go into the room with Levy. There he sits, large needle in his arm and a tube running to bag number two with his blood. _He's doing this by himself?_

"He made it; he made it because of you. I don't know how to thank you," are the only words that I can say to Levy. I need to gain some sort of composure.

I scoot over to sit next to him. He studies my face and gently puts the back of his free hand on my cheek while he speaks. "We can't always control what is going to happen, not in a perfect world let alone this one. Lancey would have never stood for staying behind. He believes in this rebellion. Riley, he believes in you." Leaning my cheek into his hand, I allow his thumb to catch a stray tear.

"Riley, if you let me I will stay here and fight with you. I believe in you too." My eyes drift to his. I see the completely honest and innocent face from all those years ago, the boy who just wanted to help in the garden.

Nodding my head to him, I force a smile. "I thought we already decided that," I reply. Standing up I turn to leave but add a "thank you" before I go.

* * * *

As the sun starts to make its way down the sky, painting its path for the moon to come out, I sit on the crusty wooden dock at the lake Remington showed me. I'm dying to see Lancey even if he isn't awake, but I know I have to stay away for his wife's sake. Cody needs her time with him. My mind flashes images of what Lancey did to save me when I was in the cell under Pratt's house at Mr. Kendell's mercy. I can see all those pictures passing me, from the cell and our escape from there, as clear as when it was happening.

Hearing footsteps coming down the path, I want to turn around and yell, _Leave me alone! And for God's sake pick up your feet; you sound like an elephant. You will never sneak up on anyone like that._ But, I don't do either one. I ignore them, hoping they made a wrong turn and they will disappear.

"Hey," Kyle whispers to me. _Well, I guess the disappearing is out of the question. I want to sit and wallow in my own self-pity, alone. Not really, this is kind of a nice surprise that I need, a distraction._

"Hey," I whisper while I look up at him.

"I know it sounds like the same excuse, but I did get here as soon as I found out. Things aren't so easy now that I am hiding from my dad and I can't stay here." He squeezes my shoulder and sits beside me. His words are about as passive as running into a wall. He has hurt me like no one else could. The one person I thought could never hide things from me, did. He hid and deceived me about countless things. Yet, here he is.

"I understand, I am happy to see you here." _See that sounded like the right thing to say._ He scoots closer to me and puts his arm around my shoulder. I won't lie, having someone's arm around my shoulder feels great right now.

"You want to talk?" As he finishes his words, I lean my head against him.

"Not about Lancey, but I do want your opinion on something." I do still value Kyle's thoughts.

"Okay, go."

"It is time I went to meet King Delrick." I feel like this is an important step; maybe I can convince the king to give us some support.

"Okay, but Delrick died _(shoot I knew that)_ a while back. Do you mean his son? King Brysen."

"Whatever his name is, if he could just give us some insulin for Cami and we are really, really low on antibiotics. Lancey is going to need so much, and we just don't have it nor have we really been able to steal enough. It barely keeps us going for the small things around here. And I need to do like we were planning before what Toni suggested in our meeting; people who aren't in this fight need a safe place."

Kyle nods to me, his eyes show sympathy. He knows this is a hard decision for me to make. "I don't think you should go right now; that would put you at risk. Don't think they aren't after you. All the Rebels made their marks and hit all main artillery warehouses. Pratt isn't happy right now. Your face is on the television 24/7 in the upper right corner with giant red words above you saying 'Wanted.'"

"We all hit our marks? Do you know if anyone else was hurt?" I ask. I'm not sure why I am surprised; that is what was supposed to happen.

Kyle slowly shakes his head. "No one, but I'm serious; you need to lay low and I will steal some antibiotics. I know a few back ways into places. Don't go to see the king right now."

My thoughts drift to a question that keeps repeating itself. Could Kyle have prevented it, the attacks on the other camps that he led Pratt's guards to? _I mean could he really have prevented them or would his dad just find another way to find the previous camps that were attacked?_

Feeling a gentle kiss on my cheek, I lean closer to Kyle. "You are smart. I believe in everything you do, Riley." With that, I lean hard, deep into Kyle's chest still acutely aware of the solid muscles that lie beneath his clothes, still trying to figure out when that happened.

Finally, I cave, looking up at him, knowing I must word this correctly. "Kyle, I know it isn't safe for you out there, but I'm still not ready to forgive and I don't think the camp is either..." I'm barely able to get this all out in anything but a whisper, hoping I'm not making a mistake. _Will the rest of the Rebels ever forgive Kyle and let him back in? Come on, Riley, think._

He's quiet as I watch his jaw tighten and he swallows hard. Whatever he is going to say, I can tell he is measuring his words carefully. My only thought is, will he accept this? He begins, "I'll stay away for you, my Riley, until you are ready for me to move in with you and Cami. I will be gone for a few days, but I will have antibiotics for Lancey when I come back. If you'll excuse me for a while, there is a little girl I need to see."

I get up and start walking with Kyle and I find myself almost smiling to him. I nod, then he turns towards Preston's where Cami is staying since the mission. Why is it, no matter how terrible things are, when you see or think of a man spending time with a child it makes your heart melt? As I compose myself, I look up to realize I am in front of my bunk. I don't remember walking that far, but here I am, at home. I think it's time to call it, knowing tonight will be hard.

Walking in, I feel myself collapsing to the floor, wrapping my arms around my knees, and resting my head on them. I can't move; in fact, I can't think of trying to move. The flashes all come back: watching Lancey fall, watching Levy immediately start working on him while I stood frozen. What happened to me? I couldn't move. Instead, I watched the horror unfold in front of me while I stood paralyzed.

Who am I kidding trying to do this? My mom taught me a lot. I know more history, economics than probably President Pratt himself, but what good is it if I can't react in crises? Thump! Thump! Someone is at my door. Great, just what I need. "Come in." _And they better not think I am getting off the floor to greet them._

My mouth drops as I gaze up to find Levy here. _Please, please don't tell me something happen to Lancey, please. He is just staring at me; just say it already. Stab me in the heart. Take what is left of it; don't tell me he didn't make it._

He walks over and sits next to me. "Nothing has happened; I see how you are looking at me. Don't blame yourself..." For some reason, this is my cue to lose my shit. The tears are pouring out of me as I sob into my knees. He reaches his arm around me and holds me, whispering, "...He is stable, now. Thanks to Jada and that mean one Napai." _And she is the nice one._ "Although I must admit, she is very good; he's going to make it. He is even talking a little."

Levy gently rubs circles on my back as I lean forward hugging my knees. "You know who he asked about?" I shake my head no, not that I don't know it would be his wife or son. But I'm not going to say it. "He asked about you. He knew you would blame yourself, so I promised I would look after you and all."

Knowing my eyes are red and puffy, I still turn to look at Levy. He has a childish, impish grin on his face. "You did alright, Ms. Staggs. Where we were was a hard place."

Hearing another knock at my door as it swings open, I gaze up to see Remington. Great, I guess I'm having a fucking party. "I wanted to make sure you were alright, and you weren't blaming yourself." I don't answer right away because I hear what everyone is saying, but it doesn't mean I believe it. Levy stands up inches from Remington.

He begins speaking quietly about me, but I still hear the irrational tone in his voice, "She's doing alright; it will just take her some time. I was thinking we should have an informal debrief when Lancey is up to it." Levy is inches from Remington's face as he speaks.

"I didn't ask you, Levy. I asked princess." Remington glares at Levy as he points to me sitting on the floor.

"Remington,..." As I start speaking, it takes him a moment to stop glaring at Levy. "...I am doing okay, thank you. I guess I am, but for now, I would like to talk with Levy about this debriefing thing."

"There isn't much to tell..." Remington says a little more harshly than I appreciate.

"Remington, please let me talk with him," is all I say in response and he walks out my door, shutting it firmly, leaving Levy standing in front of me. He settles beside me as I place my forehead back on my knees.

"Sorry about that," Levy whispers as he starts to rub gentle circles again on my back. I'm not going to lie, I like the way it feels.

"I'm sorry I acted the way I did when I was being held captive." Not sure what brought this on, but I think I should tell him why I was so mean to him there. I feel his hand come to a stop just resting on my back. His breathing stops as well.

"I didn't recognize you at all. I'm sorry. But I really thought you were going to rape me or something. I am sorry. You were only kind to me," I whimper.

His hand slides to my face, turning me towards him. "I could never do anything like that, and I would never do anything to hurt you." His eyes are soft as he speaks to me and then he pulls me over to him and does nothing but hold me while I weep, then sob. He holds me until morning, allowing me to cry. 
Chapter 34

Assumptions spell trouble, not really;  
it spells assumptions which really means trouble.
I leave the bunker to see what I can find out about Lancey this morning. I can assume since no one else came to my bunker last night that he is stable. Levy has already left. I promised sometime today we will get him assigned a place to sleep but he assured me until Lancey is doing better he will not be far from MedFac.

As I am walking closer towards MedFac, Remington runs into me and continues to walk. Not an "I'm sorry," not a "Hi;" he doesn't acknowledge me at all, let alone the fact he almost knocked me over.

"What was that all about?" I ask. His eyes are cold, his set firm and his blue eyes look black as they bore into me.

"What was what all about?" he snaps. I can't help but feel absolutely irritated at Remington's behavior.

"Really, princess, you are going to be like that?" he says almost like he is mocking me.

"Like what? And I told you to stop calling me that." All of my forward motion is stopping while I glare at Remington.

"Last night, are you going to act like nothing happened last night?" Remington isn't asking, he is accusing me of something. _Like it is any of his business._ But what he says hurts deep inside of me.

"Yesterday I almost lost someone that is...is part of my family. I j...just wanted..." I can feel the all too familiar sting of tears in my eyes, and I choke them back. "...I wanted to just lose it with someone who wouldn't..."

"What about me? Instead, you lose it in front of someone who is practically a total stranger, not part of our family. Finish it, Riley. With someone who wouldn't what?" Remington's voice is just shy of yelling.

"Who wouldn't judge me? Alright, I couldn't take anyone else judging me." I look up to see his expression somewhere between hurt and trying to understand. My eyes fall to the ground, ashamed to look at him.

"Is that what you think I do?" His hands gently lift my chin to look at him again. "I've never judged you. Does this have to do with what Lancey's wife said yesterday?" I slowly nod to him.

"She is wrong." The tears slowly roll down my cheek as Remington pulls me into a hug. He gives me a quick embrace, and I whisper I would like to go see Lancey. Remington nods, reaches for my hand and walks me to MedFac.

Before I realize it, we are here. Remington lets me go in alone to speak with Lancey. As I slip in the door, I am not wanting to make too much noise as I glide past the room where the children without parent's sleep. That is where Cami spends some of her time, and I don't want to wake any of the other children up.

Once past their door, with each step I take the hallway lengthens. I enter the office and wait for Jada. It isn't long before she comes walking in, so I can ask how Lancey is doing, but more importantly if his wife is here.

"I don't know what kind of relationship they have but she didn't stay long and has not been back to see him. Strange, huh?" She has a small smile on her face.

"I don't understand at all; if he were my husband, or really if it was Napai, they wouldn't be able to pry me away," Jada continues as she picks an eyebrow up looking at me and I realize I'm smiling. I am scolding myself to make sure it is because Lancey is doing better and not the fact his wife has not bothered to come and check on him. I then let her know Kyle is doing an antibiotic run. She joyfully skips out of the office.

As I enter Lancey's room, I leave the light off. I don't want to wake him as I inch my way closer, trying to be light footed. Finally, I'm at the side of his bed. I admire his profile; he looks so still, peaceful, but almost too still. Slowly I slide my fingers into his. My fingers are trembling a little, while I feel his warmth. He is alive. Gently, I squeeze his hand, somehow hoping he knows how much I care. He stirs a little; I see his eyes flutter.

I try to slide my fingers out of his, but they latch on to mine. Damn it, damn it. He squeezes harder, almost painfully. He must think it's his wife. "Riley?" _Okay, he doesn't think it is his wife._

Trying to keep my voice low, I speak, "It's me." I bend over him so he can see me. "I am so..."

"Don't say it; please don't say it, Riley. This isn't your fault."

"It is my fault. I was in charge, and I was doing stupid things," I manage to choke out.

"Well, you did some stupid things. Don't ever order me to leave you, ever."

"Ooh-kay," I reply, not able to look him in the eyes.

"But, Riley, I would have been there with or without you. We needed the artillery, the detonators, we needed it all. I believe in you, and I believe in what we are doing. I spent a year being one of many spies for Aaron and Toni in Pratt's house knowing this is where I wanted to be. This, this will heal." I can hear in his voice the exhaustion, the exertion it is taking to speak.

I will have to find out how many guards at Pratt's house are ours but not now. Bending a little farther, I kiss his forehead and tell him to get some rest. As I start to walk out there is someone in the shadows grabbing my arm. I am getting ready to shove my palm straight into their nose until their other hand grabs me. Levy.

"Levy, I could have broken your nose. How long have you been here? Did you hear everything?" I whisper into the obscurity of darkness.

"No, that's not what I am doing here." He turns and points to the other beds in the room. "I am sleeping over there. He's my best friend; we have been through everything together. He never left me when my family was killed. I won't let him sleep in here alone. He didn't know what side I was on and he never pushed it but he always believed in me. The truth is I was always on his side, your side."

My insides warm when he speaks. We continue walking side by side down the hallway of MedFac. To hear someone, care so much about someone else, that is amazing.

"I know he means a lot to you too. I did see you kiss his forehead." His whispers are turning into a mumble, and I think I hear him say that what I do means a lot to him too, but, I'm not sure.

Levy turns, and his face is inches from mine. He whispers so close I feel his breath on my lip, "He is closer to me than a brother would be."

"He's lucky to have a friend like you." For one brief second, I believe he wants to kiss me, but that would be crazy. He stands there looking at me, so intent and so close then turns to open the door for me out of the MedFac.

Standing in front of MedFac, Levy's hand lingers on my forearm as he reassures me that this is between us and Lancey's girlfriend will not know. _Thank you!_

"What...wife, you mean wife." Feeling a little self-conscious with his hand on my arm I fidget a little, inching away from his touch. _I don't know why because I sobbed uncontrollably, the deep snot running out of my nose crying into his chest last night._

"No, I don't mean wife. I mean crazy-ass kind of girlfriend, but that's his story to tell not mine."

"Umm..." Not wanting to push him on information that he clearly doesn't want to expand on, I feel like I have to say something. "...Thank you for, you know, for everything." He wraps his arms around me as I tense. _Was not expecting that. It's weird and nice at the same time. I am getting the idea that he communicates as a "touchy" person. We all know someone like that and I like it._ It doesn't take long, and my body relaxes in his arms.

He whispers with his lips touching my hair. "Riley, I'm always here for you, and I'm glad that you finally see me." _What does that even mean?_ "I have to go back in with Lancey. I'm around; I'm one of you now. Come see me when you need someone to talk to." I can hear the smile in his voice. I give a nervous chuckle while he is holding me tighter then he lets me go and walks into MedFac.

* * * *

Staring at the lake, I wonder how I end up here all the time. What is that draws me here like a magnet to steel? I don't really remember walking here, but here I am. Trying to clear my head, I listen quietly to the animals rustling the leaves as they bed themselves. If I am right, there has to be a deer right over the dam to the lake. It would be so easy to shoot it right now, if I had more light, and let's face it, not a gun, but my bow, but that isn't what I am here for.

What am I here for? Oh, yes, I'm trying to figure out a politically correct way to ask the King of Rohkea, King Brysen, for help, antibiotics and insulin for free. He has I guess talked with Aaron and Toni. Aaron did tell me that he was told when he was a kid that my dad had known the old king who died. But, how would I even ask? _Hey, I know we have never talked. I don't even know if you know what is going on over here, but I really need a feewwwww things from you. No pay from us, we have nothing._ It's not going to work. I don't have anything I can bargain with. Maybe he will take an "I owe you." That makes me laugh to myself, a king who would work on an "I owe you." I would gladly sign it, in my own blood, if that would get us what we need.

As I sit and stare at the lake hoping maybe a fish will talk to me and tell me the answer, I hear footsteps. Remington's private thinking spot is not too private anymore. Looking around I see Remington, Toni, and Aaron. Millions of thoughts go fleeting through my mind as I try to figure out what all three of them want to talk with me about. _Shit, this has to be bad._ I admit I feel like I have not been myself since the mission, but I wouldn't think they would tag team against me. Well, I kind of deserve it. _Look at Lancey._

Toni starts, "Sis, I know you have had a lot - that is really an understatement - to deal with in the last twenty-four hours, but first let me tell you that Lancey is alright. That isn't why we are here..." I nod, sighing deeply, but admittedly I'm happy she started with Lancey but I'm waiting to hear where they are going. She continues, "Kyle, of all people, came and asked us to help you out with something." _They hate each other; I must be dreaming, or I am hearing things, or it's the second coming._

Aaron starts, "He wanted us to contact the king for you, but he is afraid of the timing; because of our recent missions they have you pretty much marked as most wanted." _Not a shocker, I knew this day was about here._

Oh, great, it is Remington's turn. "Riley, before you get upset, hear them out. Before you say it, we all agree we should have talked to you first." _Well, so far that is the only thing they have going for them. But the fact Remington is in on something Kyle wanted for me is a first. No doubt second coming._

"Four days from now at the north point they will drop a shipment off on the beach to the river at 10:00 in the morning." I am back to my mouth hanging open while Aaron is talking, "He said we can work out negotiations later." _A king who does take an IOU. See, talking with the fish helped._

"Thank you, I'm sorry I have left you guys with so much of this. I know I'm a hot mess." I mumble mainly to myself.

Remington sits down facing me. "I want to go pick it up," he says.

My head is shaking in disbelief. "No." He continues sighting all the reasons he should go but my head is humming, I see his mouth moving and I can't hear what he is saying. I clear my throat not really sure if Remington is done or not.

"We need to have a meeting," I say, although I know in my heart I won't let anyone else go; it's my responsibility. I love Cami and Lancey. This is insulin for her and antibiotics for him. I'm going. "I need to update everyone on Lancey." My gratitude I have problems showing but I'm so thankful they did something that I wasn't sure how to handle. There seems to be so much that "I'm not sure how to handle" these days. Aaron and Toni leave; I think they aren't sure which way I was going to go, so they decided to give me space.

Remington, on the other hand, doesn't move, but he isn't talking either, so I am okay with it. He just plops down beside me. Technically this is his quiet spot that I just borrow all the time, so I can't get mad at him for staying.

After we sit for what seems like an hour, he finally asks if I am mad. By this time all my anger has left from my ego being hurt. I am actually glad they did the honors of calling "the king." What would I say to him? I didn't even know we had radio contact with him. Well, I should say I wasn't sure if Toni and Aaron still did. Huh.

_"Hey, I know you don't know me, but..."_ I am sure the king would jump at the chance! But, Aaron and Toni have talked to him in the past. Well, Toni could probably sell salt water to a mermaid, so I'm sure she did the talking to him anyway.

Before long Remington scoots over next to me. "I know, Riley; I was hard on you this morning. I don't always look at everything you are responsible for. Hell, until you were seventeen you didn't know this place exists other than on some hand-drawn map. Let alone that you dad was its founder. Well, it was started by your dad and they always planned on handing it to you. Shit I don't know what I would have done if someone told me, 'This is what your dad started, all of this. This whole thing before Pratt ended The Second Transformation for us to fight back. It's yours. Deal with it.' I probably would have run, but not you. You are a tough one, princess."

"Not helping," I whisper. "Maybe I should have run. Aaron and Toni were doing so much better than I am. But I also want to tell you 'thank you' for what you, Aaron and Toni did."

"That's not true about Toni and Aaron. Things were easier then; we weren't running many missions; we didn't have so many people here to get supplies for. We were just scavenging for people who had run away who we found lost in the woods. This, this has grown, we took in, what?... four or five camps. We don't have an open bunk other than the ones we use for the livestock. Riley, you are stronger than you think." His kind words are a waste; I don't believe him. This whole going to the king has that nagging voice inside of me, that tells me things, that one I ignore, it keeps screaming something is wrong. Something bad is going to happen. I should listen to it but maybe I'm just scared to admit to the king we need help. _Damn voice._

Standing up abruptly, I tell Remington goodbye and start walking. I have no place in mind but that nagging feeling just won't go away. I need to check on Cami. Before I know it I'm standing in front of Preston asking how Cami is doing. He let me know he has her up here near the MedFac. With all that is going on we thought it would be best for her to be sleeping in the room with the children who have no parents because it is technically in MedFac. I see her sleeping face, like an angel, and I go over, lightly kissing her.

Now I go to Jada's, so she can give me the all-clear that Lancey's wife-slash-girlfriend-slash-crazy person who is going to kill me is not in there. He is awake. I can't stop the corners of my mouth from turning up. Lancey wraps both his hands around me; he is even giving me a little hug. This makes my heart sing for the first time in days.

He wiggles his two fingers at me, drawing me in closer. Whispering, he says the oddest thing; I think maybe it's the medication. "Riley, look out for Cody and Jasmine." My mind starts in a flurry. Jasmine. I think back to the rebel who was on the mission when I first got here to pick up the rifles. We don't see each other but everyone says she holds her own and follows commands. She spends most her time guarding the perimeter. It must be the pain medicine he is on.

Lancey continues, "They are really close, and Cody gets some crazy ideas."

"That's your wife or...or something." Those are the only words I can mutter; I am still very confused. It must be the drugs Lancey is on.

"No, she isn't either. I see you have been talking to Levy." Guess it can't be the pain medicine; he is dead on with that assumption.

"She is not even close to me, a guard got her knocked up. I caught her trying to escape into the woods. Well, she is in no way nice; she is too young and needing protection. With the help of Remington, we brought her here. Not wanting to blow my cover, I left but told her she could say she is my wife."

"You were always supposed to come here?" surprised, I ask.

"Yes, I was stuck at Pratt's house being a spy, but when they picked you up it made me get here a little sooner."

He picks my chin up, closing my mouth that has fallen open and looks me in the eyes; we stay like this for a brief moment. He has the most beautiful dark brown eyes that are at a slight angle, a perfect nose, and he is really hot.

I shake my thoughts away as he continues, "Some of the things she says are really dark. She scares me, Riley. When I question her she says she is joking. Just be careful especially since I'll be laid up for a while."

I am feeling a little uncomfortable. "I should let you get some rest." I kiss his forehead and bring his covers up.

I walk over to where I know Levy is, and he just smiles at me. He knew I would be coming to him.

"It's not nice to eavesdrop," I snap at him, but I can't stay serious about it.

"Who was listening? You guys were whispering so low I couldn't hear a word. It kinda made me jealous, the quiet talking and the staring at each other," he laughs out. Then suddenly he grabs my arm, pulling me into the closet. He turns on the light with his other hand still holding me. "I knew you were going to come see me tonight."

I am shaking my head "no" while he still grips my arm with one hand. He draws me in closer. "If you relax I will let your wrist go." For some reason I trust him and nod. _I should be hitting him._

When he releases my wrist, he places that hand around my back. I am so close to him it should make me more uncomfortable, but since I sobbed uncontrollably into his chest the other night this is nothing.

He murmurs, "You wanted to ask me something. What was it?" For a brief moment I can't remember anything. My mind is blank.

"You scared me!" I yell, not hiding any of my contempt that I feel at the moment.

"Sorry, I just knew you were going to ask me something serious. You had that crease on your forehead and since you just talked with Lancey, I thought it was about him." _I don't have a crease on my forehead. My hand drifts and feels my forehead just to be sure._

"Is Lancey on a lot of pain medicine?" I don't know how else to ask so I just come right out with it.

Levy shakes his head "no." "Why?"

"He just said some crazy things about his wife or girlfriend or he says no to both or something. Oh, and then he said some stuff about that Jasmine who usually works perimeter guard."

"Well first of all Cody is...well, sometimes kind of weird." Am I the only one who thought they were a couple? I feel left in the dark.

Then Levy smiles and whispers, "If you ever want to come and make out, I will be happy to oblige." I slap his arm and he can hardly contain himself laughing.

"You got to admit that was good; you smiled and almost laughed." I let out a loud sigh.

"Will you be serious?" I ask.

"All work and no play." He is frowning at me.

Levy lets out a sigh. "Lancey has been suspicious of Jasmine for a long time. Jasmine also used to hang around with..." He is taking a step back "...Kyle." _Panic now, panic later, now or later?_

"Some of the things that crazy wife or girlfriend or person he is stuck with, Cody, has said are about cleaning society and are absolutely insane. Lancey just wants what is best for the baby, you know." I nod.

"What about Kyle and Jasmine?"

"I knew that would pique your interest. Before you had to be rescued, Kyle was coming here a lot to talk with her. Well, really, maybe to see Cami, he found her in the woods you know. She was scared, and half starved. That's all I know." I do my best not to show my surprise. "I'm sure it was nothing, Riley; he has always been kinda of secretive, but he knows how to get information." _What useful information could he be getting from Jasmine?_

Starting to walk away I stop and give Levy a hug. Laughing at the way his eyebrows go up like he has hope for me making out with him, I say quickly, "Thank you again, for everything."

"Next time it will cost you a kiss." He laughs at his own joke; at least I hope he is still joking. 
Chapter 35

Preston, the kindest, most fair man I have ever known.
Quite a large crowd has gathered for one of my impromptu meetings and I begin, "I know you are wondering why I called you here so early in the morning. Time is of the essence today. We have one shot and only one shot at this. Tonight, there is going to be a small transport of medicine from the supply warehouse to one of the small field hospitals Pratt has set up west of here."

I see at least four-hundred men and women peering at me, not saying a word. It is a breathtaking site. There is no need for Remington to do an ear-splitting whistle. When I jump up on this damn picnic table they are all standing in silence.

"I'm looking for three more volunteers for this mission. Preston has already volunteered in private." I promise everyone that I will stop going on every mission. I was told by Preston the crews have to know I believe in their ability.

"Why are we doing this if we are getting medicine from the king in three days?" someone shouts. Then the low murmurs start like no one else has thought of this.

"We need more antibiotics as soon as possible for Lancey; he is fighting infection. Don't get me wrong though; he is awake and talking so that is an improvement." Then I see Jasmine walk up to the picnic table and my heart speeds up.

"Did you forget I already volunteered in private? That's my best friend's husband," Jasmine shouts up to me. _No, I didn't forget. I haven't talked with her; in fact, I'm avoiding her, but I'll play along._

Glaring at her I play my part. "I'm sorry, Jasmine, you are right. I did forget." _What a lie._

"Listen up, people, I need two more. The truck is only going to have two guards, one of which is the driver." Instantly two more hands fly into the air. I make sure we have the purple arm ties for everyone. Then I think of Preston; he is a master at fighting and about the kindest, most caring person you will ever meet. However, I decided right then to promptly try to talk him out of going.

"Don't go," I whine to Preston.

"I have to go; that young man needs some antibiotics."

"But I could go in your place." His eyebrow shoots up and he stares at me in disbelief.

"Remember our talk about how everyone here has to know you believe in them and you don't think I can handle this? Don't forget who taught you," Preston quietly says.

"No, no, that's not what I mean..." He is still staring at me. This man is like my father; I can't let something happen to him. His arms cross. "...Okay, I...." How am I going to say this? "...Jasmine, I don't trust her and I love you."

"She's been here awhile; I don't think you have anything to worry about." He walks over and hugs me. "I appreciate you worrying about me, but I'm going and I'll be back. I love you, sunshine." It makes me so happy; his still calling me sunshine makes me feel like I am eight again.

* * * *

Since the four team members have left on the mission I have tried everything possible to keep busy, mainly hanging out with my little girl whom I love. Cami and I have fished; we made mud castles then it turned into a mud free for all and now it is time to clean up. We both are mud from head to toe. But I can't stop letting my mind drift back to the mission. Shouldn't they be back by now? It should have been stop the truck, slide in, slide out and go.

I feel a tug on my hand. "Did you forget we were walking to the showers?" I shake my head no to her. _Okay, maybe I did get side tracked._

"It sure seems like you forgot." I look back down at her then look around realizing I'm in front of Preston's bunk, nowhere near the showers. _This is a little embarrassing..._

Looking at Cami I smile. "You caught me; it looks like I forgot we were going to the showers."

"It's okay, I'll show you were they are from here." Cami smiles at me and with that we are really off to the showers.

On the way back, I set Cami on my shoulders; then it hits me again just how tiny she is. I act like a horse galloping while she pulls each hand to make me turn leading us right back home to my bunk. Bringing her down off my shoulders, it's hard not to laugh with her. She is infectious.

We have a few books here that Kyle took out of houses and she decides which one she wants me to read. "Hansel and Gretel" one my favorite _Brothers_ _Grimm_ stories but the mother in me kicks in. _And I'm not a mother._

"This is kind of scary. Are you sure?" She emphatically nods.

"Okay, I guess if you get scared you can come in and sleep with me."

"I'm not a baby," she says with her arms crossed over her chest and her eyes shooting daggers at me.

It isn't long, and she is out cold. We didn't even get into the witch's house...which is probably good. Now it's my turn to try to sleep but I am really worried. We should have heard something on the radio. Hearing a loud sound, I feel my heart stop. Taking a deep breath, I open the door to have Toni ask if Cami is here, and as I nod while she yanks me out of my bunker and shuts the door.

Looking around, I see Aaron and Remington also. I look again at each and every one of their faces. The creases, the lips that are only lines, the way even in just moonlight I see how glassy their eyes are. I know. I know what this is about. Someone, oh God, someone didn't make it today. I can no longer turn my head. I just stare at Toni. Aaron starts to speak up but she grabs his sleeve, so he goes silent.

She is trying to get composure but only one word she can whisper, "Preston." As I fall I feel someone's arm lowering me to the ground; I think it is Remington. Next to me on the ground is Toni. We lock arms and hysterically cry. **"No, no, no!"** I scream and sob more. **"Why did this happen? Is it punishment? Why him, he was a good man?"** My voice cracks at my last scream and I allow my sobbing to take over. Eventually, Aaron picks up Toni, and Remington picks me up off the ground and we stand hanging on to each other. I feel his tears falling on my shoulder while mine are buried in his shirt.

I stay outside for a long time. I can't fall apart once I go inside. In the morning, I will tell Cami. This is going to break her little heart. She loves him. I love him. I wonder if I ever let him know he was like my father to me. Did I? Did he know really how much he meant to me? A new wave of sobs hit me when I feel Remington tighten his arms around me. His hand gently strokes my damp hair while I cry.

"I'm sorry, Riley, I know what he meant to you," comes out of Remington in a whisper.

"But I'm not the only one," I say as I pull Remington tighter to me and then continue, "He meant something to everyone here; he is, was a good person, a truly good person.

Why did he have to die?" When I thought my sobs had come to an end I was wrong.

My tears finally slow when Remington speaks to me, "I think I should stay with you, just for tonight." My words are lost, and I nod to him.

While I climb into my bed and he lies on the floor I can't stop thinking about when my mom was taken. Remington stayed with me a night. Then I flash to what Lancey said about Jasmine. Then I think God, Lancey, he needs antibiotics. I can't lose him too. My mind goes dark and wonders if anyone I love will survive me, this rebellion, through the winter.

My thoughts turn even darker...Jasmine, again.

* * * *

Breaking the news to Cami is awful. She is going from Remington's arms, to mine, back to his. We give her the choice of what she would like to do today. She chooses to be with her friends in class, though it is hard on all of us to keep a morning routine. Me, I didn't... I didn't address the camp. I am hiding at Remington's little hideaway with him. Neither one of us is talking; we are just finding pebbles, sticks, anything we can to throw in the lake.

Morning turns to afternoon here, then to evening. I just stare at the lake waiting for someone to tell me they are wrong, but no one has come. Now, it's a long time since the sun has set, and Remington holds his hand out to me. Neither of us has eaten and both of our canteens are empty.

Remington puts his arm around me, holding tightly to my shoulder. Looking up I see Kyle; timing is impeccable. Tonight, I think I will take Remington's gun and shoot Kyle myself if he says anything. But I see sadness in Kyle's eyes; his body stands almost lifeless and there is a crease between his brows and dark lines under his eyes. He is exhausted; he isn't here to try and start a fight; instead, he reaches out to shake Remington's hand.

"Thank you, Remington, for seeing that Riles is okay." Remington looks at Kyle then glares at me.

Taking Remington's hand in mine, I squeeze tight and tell him, "Thank you." He mouths, "Are you okay?" and I shrug my shoulders.

"Remington, can you do me a favor and get Aaron and Toni? I have something to tell everyone," Kyle says, and I get my hopes up that he knows what happened to Preston. But then there is the other side of me that is afraid of what he might say _. Can I trust that he had nothing to do with Preston?_ Remington nods and walks off.

Placing both hands on my shoulders, Kyle squeezes them, and I try to keep my tears at bay, but they keep sneaking down my cheeks. Looking into my eyes he whispers, "I'm sorry, Riley." Pulling my shoulders, he wraps me into his chest. When he lets go, Aaron, Toni and Remington are here.

Kyle begins, "I came to warn all of you. They are doing an air strike." He is not talking to me but to Aaron. "At 'O' six hundred tomorrow." I taste bile in the back of my throat.

Aaron, who is always the calm one, looks at Kyle as if he is going to kill him. As he glares at Kyle, I hear in a very stern voice, one that I have never heard Aaron use, "How did they find out where we are? Did you lead them to us? Shit, I would have least thought you wouldn't with your fiancé here. Or did you come to get her tonight?"

It is a harsh accusation, but it is brutal reality I want to believe it isn't true, but I... I just don't know. Looking at Kyle, I can't tell what he is thinking. Maybe I never really could. But I want to believe Kyle would not do what Aaron is accusing him of. But my being naïve is one of the reason Kyle has gotten by with all that he has done.

Aaron continues with his voice raised, "Did you come to get her tonight?" My hands are trembling. Trying as hard as I can to make them stop, I end up sticking them in my pockets only leaving my body trembling instead.

Kyle is speaking; with each word I can hear the ice fall. "I didn't lead them here. I led them to the abandon farms over on the small island in the river just south of here. You know where it is, Riley; we have been there a few times to talk about our family that we will have together." I slowly nod.

Kyle continues to explain, "Anyway, like that matters now. Riley, you take their word over mine." Shaking my head "no," I feel as if I was just stabbed in the heart by Kyle's words as he continues speaking to Aaron, "But they won't see these bunkers from the air and they shouldn't fly this way. I figure with the island I led them to, the river is narrow there and King Brysen will not allow them to get that close to his land. It would be too much of a threat to his people. I'm sure the king will do an air strike against Pratt's helicopters; you can count on it."

With an expression aimed at Aaron that is so cold it makes me shake, Kyle continues, "Aaron, don't ever accuse me of something like that unless you have proof. I don't answer to you." Oh no, here it goes. "I will never hurt Riley again, and I damn sure wouldn't do anything to hurt Cami." I see Toni place her hand on Aaron's upper arm; she is sending a message loud and clear for him to back off.

Before I can think I state to Kyle, "I believe you." Then, I start calling out orders for people to get water tonight and everyone must stay in their assigned bunkers. Cami is with me but all of the other children in MedFac must stay there, safe and close to the MedTecs if needed.

Kyle interrupts my orders. "Riley, I dropped off penicillin with Napai, but she said they need stronger antibiotics and I couldn't get insulin. The antibiotics will do for now but not for long. Also, I said that Pratt's strike was going south of here; they won't see this camp or even come close to it. And let me state now, there will be no vote, no meeting about who gets Cami's insulin from the king. It will be me. I don't want to hear anything else about it." I watch as his hands are in fists as he states this.

"You don't get it, Kyle," I snap then continue, "You never have, and you don't get to make decisions like that by yourself about who picks up insulin." _Ouch, that was uncalled for._ "This is all we have right now." Swinging my arms around for emphasis I say, "These people, they live here. I can't risk one helicopter coming over and seeing anyone. Everyone here deserves that. The bunkers will hold up; that is what they were designed for, but anyone outside, well..." An exasperated sigh escapes my lips. He doesn't say anything else, but just pulls me into an embrace. I whisper the words to him, "Thank you" and "I'm sorry." I shouldn't have barked at him, but my apology makes him hold me tighter.

* * * *

Once everyone is given a job to carry out, Aaron, Toni, Remington and I all head up to get the maps out on the picnic table. I feel a hole in my soul without Preston; I still can't believe he is gone. But, I have to go on, these people count on me.

Kyle is showing us where the helos are coming from and the island they are going to. Kyle is right; there is a lot of space between here and there. Remington and Aaron to my dismay are volunteering to watch to make sure Pratt's strike does go to the empty farming community. Remington says repeatedly to me, "It only makes sense to be sure they go where they are supposed to." To which I adamantly shake my head.

My thought is, _we will find out later. Who cares?_ But Aaron rebuts with, "We know the route, and with any luck, if they deviate, we will be able to warn you with the radios."

My mind drifts to a better time with Kyle. We were going to have four kids; it didn't matter if they were boys, girls, all of one, or any combination. Our farm would have cows, chickens, and horses. We would have our closest friends in the neighboring farms. There would be no need for jeeps, only farm equipment. We would grow what we needed there and ride horses to visit our friends. Toni is so smart we would have her as a teacher in our small school where all the children know each other. This is the area, the area my daydreams come from that Pratt is going to take out thinking it is our camp.

* * * *

I've never fully realized how big our camp is; I see it is impressive as I start driving the dirt roads. I have never had to go around it all in one shot. There has never been a need. Most meetings are held not too far from Toni and me. The harsh reality of how spoiled that has made me is setting in. Damn, it's a lot of walking, driving, and jogging. This place is amazing in size. I mean, I have been all over and try to make myself seen when I am not fixing something, or planning something, or in training and getting my ass kicked. I like to let everyone know I care about them. Now, I have to tell them they are grounded to their bunkers due to the close-by air strike until we hear from Aaron and Remington.

I see Toni with Aaron and Remington; it looks like they finished doing radio checks between the three of them and she is seeing them off. I have to see Remington. I must let him know that I am worried about him. I just feel right now it is important to let him know. I walk over to them slowly. Then I watch Toni wrap her arms around Aaron's neck, passionately kissing him.

Remington is no longer glaring at me as he walks over, so that is a good sign. I'm not sure of the reception I will get over here. The incident last night with Kyle, when these three were against him and I admitted I believed Kyle did not go over as smoothly as I had hoped. I get the impression Aaron thinks Kyle is still up to no good. My body still shakes, and my knees are wobbly, making it hard to walk straight. I've never stood up against the three of them before. I guess in the end I took Kyle's side, feeling he did everything he could to avoid getting the camp hit. Toni looks up and nods to me then turns back to Aaron and continues making out with him, you know saying "good bye".

Remington reaches me and acts as if nothing happened last night. I say a silent "thank you." He is within two feet of me and I can't hold back; I have to know things. "Do you remember the first time Kyle saw you and me walking out of the woods eight months ago?" Remington nods to me while he shrugs his shoulders. "Why didn't you return any of Kyle's hits?" He shrugs his shoulders again. "Why did you glare at me so harshly earlier?" Another shrug of the shoulders, but I want answers not shrugs. "Stop it, please tell me."

"That time Kyle was hitting me, I was thinking of you; it wouldn't help if I was there fighting your fiancé. That was a long time ago but if you need someone now, your fiancé is here." That almost sounds like hostility from Remington.

Under my breath I quickly add, "I wish everyone would stop calling him that."

"But, it's true, isn't it?" he asks.

I guess it is my turn to shrug my shoulders then sigh. In a whisper, because I somehow have started to believe that if I say things quietly they don't hurt as much, I respond, "I don't know who Kyle is to me; he's someone different." With finally admitting that out loud a tear slides down my cheek.

"To answer your other question, I wasn't looking at you harshly last night. You were shaking hard; I could see that where I stood. You put your hands in your pockets thinking that no one would notice, and it would help. Did it? You were scared and that is sad. Your fiancé shouldn't scare you." His words are soft but not quiet and I appreciate his concern for me.

"He didn't scare me, I don't think. No, he didn't. It was the magnitude of what he was saying that scared me. And, no, it didn't help at all. I am still shaking." I give him a halfhearted smile. "But, I won't stop shaking until you and Aaron are back. Remington, everyone I care about... I...I'm losing them. Please, I can't have you be one of them too. I won't make it. You mean so much to me. Please come back." I can see him step back. I hope it doesn't sound like, well, I don't know...sound too much like I am that sixteen-year-old school girl who had a crush on him.

"You don't have to worry, Remington; I'm not that school girl with a crush on you anymore. But that doesn't mean I won't worry about you. You mean more than I can put in words." As I say this I try to force my small smile back on my lips.

Remington steps up, so he can reach my cheek and gently touch it. He is laughing at me. "God, princess, you definitely are not that little girl. You are brave, kind and although I have not really had anyone care about me other than family, I'm glad you do. I will protect you with my life. I can feel you trembling still..."

Aaron begins yelling, "Remington, are you gonna stand there yammering all morning? We got to go!" It's hard to believe its morning already. We have been up all night.

"...I have to go, Riley. Stay strong, you will find a way to get through this, and in a few hours, we will be back. Don't forget, I will always listen when you need someone," Remington says as he hands falls away from my cheek.

I grab his sleeve and he turns back to me as I latch on to his wrist. "Come back to me," I whisper.

"Always." He runs off to the jeep as I quickly wipe the tears that have trickled from my eyes.

"We'll be back before you know it!" I hear Aaron yell as they drive off.

Toni makes her way over and puts her arm around me, pulling me into her. She murmurs into my hair, "Shh, I know things will get better."

She continues, "Riley, I don't think you believe in yourself like we believe in you. You are a natural leader, with a good heart and everyone here loves you and will do anything for you." Then she giggles, "Not just my brother."

I shove her away from me. "I have Kyle, stop that." Toni rolls her eyes at me.

"About that, Riley, I can tell how much you care about my brother. Heck, you would have to be blind to miss the both of you looking at each other."

I whisper back to her, "That's what Kyle says, and I have tried not looking at him...too much."

"So, what are you going to do about it?"

"You know I can't do anything and your brother doesn't like me like that."

I hear her giggle and say sarcastically, "Sure."

I ask Toni if she wants to stay with Kyle, Cami and me during this strike; she firmly says, "No, I'm not leaving the radios."

I walk with Toni to her bunk asking her if I can see this radio they have. She invites me in and shows me this little black box that is probably four inches by six inches and about one inch high. "Ta-da, that is it," Toni tells me. Then she takes me back outside and shows me the telephone pole on a hill that has the antenna on it.

Toni continues as my mouth hangs open at the site of the antenna, "Don't worry, sis," she says as she swings around and points to another high hill with an old electric pole on it; if that one goes down we have that one over there to hook up to."

"So, this is what you use to talk with the king also?" I ask.

"Yes, his guards monitor channel one. All of our other walkies are on channel two and all of it is encrypted so no one else can hear us," she tells me.

"Toni, I'm going over to my place; I can't break my own rules and be out. Please, please let me know the minute you hear anything. Thank you for showing me the radios."

"The boys will be alright, Riley, but remember this is just the start. The real fighting is coming." I nod as Toni finishes her sentence. She's right, it won't be long, and the fighting will begin. I give her a hug and she walks back into her bunk. I turn and start to jog towards my bunk.

I have to be in the bunk at "O" five hundred just like everyone else. Kyle is probably worried sick. Walking into our bunk I see Kyle lying in Cami's room next to her bed on the concrete. He looks up at me and whispers, "She wouldn't go back to sleep unless I was next to her on the floor."

Kyle stands up and walks over to me, speaking in a hushed tone, "Before you say anything, I was wrong. God, Riley, I did everything wrong. If you want me to apologize to Remington, I will. But I know we have a lot more to work through than that. Just please while this is happening, let me stay here with you and Cami. You're my family."

I'm so tired I give in and nod to him; it's all I can do. What kind of person would I be sending the only dad Cami has known away during this? Right there, that girl in that bed is the reason I have to rethink things.

I slide into my favorite shirt for sleeping; if you remember it was a tattered t-shirt. That shirt had to retire. So, I took one of Kyle's. It's huge on me not because he is any taller. I'm still not sure when Kyle became rock hard to where even his uniform shirts gaps a little in the chest, but he did. Any other time thinking like this about Kyle would make me happy, even excited with anticipation, but not now.

Looking over at Kyle, I see his shirt is off. I gasp looking at his back. I watch him tense as he realizes what I've seen. "Kyle?"

"Riles, just ignore it." My hand is over my mouth and I shake my head "no."

"Please, Kyle, please," I plead as I walk over.

"Why? So, you can feel sorry for me, pity me for a little while?" I touch his forearm and he begins to pull away but stops.

"My dad caught me, Riley, that's all. I did what I had to, to escape. Don't cry for me; go get some rest." He isn't talking to me; he is talking at me, like a stranger cold and emotionless.

There is nothing I can say, not now; climbing into my bed, I turn to face the wall with my back to Kyle who is still standing there allowing my tears to fall. He doesn't say a thing. Walking out of my makeshift room into Cami's he grabs his blanket. Hearing Kyle back in my room I continue to bite my lip trying my hardest to slow my tears. I listen to him throw the blankets on the floor and lie down.

I lie there, staring at the wall afraid to move, not wanting Kyle to know I haven't fallen asleep, that I lie here crying instead. His anger is clear and if I say something he could mistake it for pity. Still, I think of what all he went through, and he still sent his dad to the wrong area. When he came to warn us, all we could do is accuse him of terrible things. _What have I become?_ He hasn't said anything since lying down and I am trying to decide if I should. Should I do what my heart that is breaking wants and let him lie down next to me? _Yes._ At least that way I won't feel alone in my world that might be breaking. My heart has been broken so many times. I just want something to hold onto to keep all my thoughts away. Knowing deep down, I am a very selfish person thinking of myself and not Kyle and what he has been through.

"Kyle."

His voice is low and a little hoarse and he breathes out, "Yes."

"Please don't say anything; just lie beside me, please. I know it is wrong of me to ask especially since it can't mean any promises. Will you?"

He never answers me as I ask him not to say anything, but before long I felt his warm body next to me. Staying on my side, I feel him place his hand on my ribs and I take it, pulling him tightly next to me. His body feels so natural, like puzzle pieces put together. I always thought that Kyle and I are like when someone lays out their clothes to wear; Kyle has been laid out for me.

Feeling his breath on my neck, I let it take me away remembering what I told him before he left for antibiotics. I will use him, but I didn't think he would be hurt like this and yet, I am still using him. He agreed he would do anything for me. I am selfish and take it. While my tears silently fall I move into him more deeply. I need him to make me forget what is going on.

His hand gently turns me over and he begins kissing the base of my neck. Never once does he kiss my lips, but I allow him, no, I encourage him to kiss every other part of me. My hands guide his kisses and his hands over my entire body. I close my eyes wishing we could live our dreams with our four kids on our farm.

"BANG, BANG!" Loud knocking startles me as I shove Kyle away from me, pulling my shirt down. Damn door. His eyebrow raises. I know that look; it's says _I can't believe you are going to open the door._

I swing the door open, and there stands Toni. She hugs me. A moment of panic passes through me while I wait for her to say something. "They are O.K.!" she quietly exclaims, knowing Cami is asleep. She continues, "There is an incredible bonus for us; as Kyle had predicted the king shot two of Pratt's helos down." I feel warmth spread through me knowing I did the right thing, standing by Kyle after I had my doubts last night. He is protecting us.

Toni steps inside where she pauses as she looks up to see Kyle. I look to see him standing behind me without a shirt on, seeing his torn skin on his ribs. Her eyes grow wide then go from me to him and back. "I...I will start notifying people, letting them get out of their bunkers." Toni stutters then spins around and walks out the door.

Luckily through all of this Cami has slept. I look over at Kyle as he closes the distance between us. He picks me up wrapping one leg on each side of him, pinning me to the wall. Not sure what is going on I try pushing him away but as he has my back against the concrete wall he starts kissing my neck.

"No, Kyle. Stop it. We can't. I have to start letting people know that it's safe." My words are coming out in whispers.

"Why don't we celebrate right here, right now. Please." His eyes plead with me, but it doesn't feel the same now.

If I let him have sex with me, it would just be that, sex. I don't want to have sex with him.

"Before you tell me no, Riley, I know you still are not always thinking about me. But let me have this one chance with you, please."

I whisper the words, "I can't, not now..." The tears start that I thought had dried earlier. "I need you to stay here with Cami, please."

He reluctantly nods and as I turn to walk out he grabs my wrist and turns me around. "I know you are thinking of Remington right now." I can feel my face fall. "Don't look at me like you are surprised."

Shock is still running through me. "I'm sorry, it's just...it's just he is out there, and I am worried. Really there is nothing between us, Kyle. Really. He is just here to protect me."

"So, you have tried something more with him since you have been here? Since you promised last time there was nothing between the two of you." Listening to Kyle, hearing the trembling in his voice, I realize he isn't accusing me. He is afraid I'm going to tell him something.

"No, not at all. I meant it when I said that I only tried to kiss him that one time. That was when I was a kid. Kyle, I have only done things with you. We were forever but a lot of things have happened that broke us apart but you are here now."

Kyle is stepping forward, sliding his fingers through my hair, pulling me into him and deeply kissing me. I feel his tongue inside my mouth; I close my eyes and think of our long history together, but I still don't want to kiss him like this anymore. His voice is deep and quiet, seductive as he states something that is obvious to him, "We still are forever. You love me; I can tell, and I love you."

"Kyle, we still need to work on things. I'm not sure." Looking him deeply in the eyes, I turn and walk out.
Chapter 36

There is always time for a beginning, but just as there is time for a beginning, there must be time for an end, sometimes bitter,   
sometimes sweet, but an end all the same.
Kyle stayed in the bunk with Cami, so she could sleep for a while. But the rest of us are running on zero or if possible negative sleep since yesterday. I find myself walking to Toni's bunk because I'm pretty sure that is where Aaron and Remington will return to. However, their jeep is already here. I glance over to Aaron and Toni's bunk while Toni sticks her head out of the door.

"First, what the hell happened to Kyle?" Toni asks still acting surprised by the marks she saw.

"Oh, that is what his dad does to him. He got caught by him and escaped," I quietly say.

"Holy shit, and here we are accusing him. Damn it," Toni says, almost to herself. I can tell she feels bad, thinking over everything that was said to Kyle in the last twenty-four hours.

Toni tunes back into why I came and continues, "Oh, I'm sorry, Remington said you would know where to find him." As Toni finishes her statement she winks at me. I smile back and nod.

Almost running to the dock, I find him standing there and I can't take my eyes off of him. Walking over I wrap my hands around his back. When I feel Remington's hot breath on my neck my eyes drift up and meet his. We are mere inches from each other. Our lips find each other, and I can't let go of him. Now Remington is leading me back to his bunk; I tell myself I shouldn't go but I can't make my heart stop.

We are starting out innocently enough on his bed; Remington is telling me all that has happened when he and Aaron were out watching the helos. He slides a little closer to me. Feeling my heart race, I tell myself I'm just excited because he isn't hurt. He takes off his shirt while we talk inches from each other. Remington is telling me something about leaving the camp for information, something about Jasmine or Cody. To be honest I can't hear him with my heart pounding in my ears.

It plays in my mind, like watching the dreams I use to have about Remington. He pushes me back on the bed, lying on top of me, his hand sliding under my shirt. His mouth is over mine like he is starving for me. His tongue pushes in my mouth so deep making it hard to breathe while his hand messages my breast. He leaves my body tingling, wanting more. I am not sure anymore how much time has passed but I know I have to leave, but I feel his fingers sliding, unbuttoning my pants, and I can't move. I want him, more from him.

"You don't know how long I have waited to kiss you," he whispers.

As I am about to say something back, he places his finger over my mouth. Then covers my mouth with his.

Quietly Remington confesses to me, "I have been patient too long. Riley, I want you. I have to have you." Together, we spend the afternoon kissing and exploring each other.

I'm sure it is late, but I can't say I know how much time has passed since I've been with Remington. Every time I move, anytime I look at him, I see his eyes looking into mine and he gives me a gentle kiss. Working up my nerve I just say it, "I have to go." I feel something I didn't think I would, guilt. It isn't the amazing feeling I thought I would have; it is nothing more than feeling horrible for being with him. While I am trying to get up from his bed, Remington is already standing and quickly grabs my arm.

As I look up at him, he pulls me into his chest. "Don't go back to him, stay here."

"But I thought you had to go check on some intel?" I ask. It doesn't feel right being here, not with Kyle still feeling there might be a chance. For that matter, me feeling there might be a chance for Kyle and me.

"I do but I'll be back before morning. Stay here; I know it isn't that nice and I share it with some of our supplies but stay here," Remington replies. _What is wrong with me? I would have died for this chance; at least I thought I would have._ Reaching up, I slide my hand along his face, pulling him closer, so I can give him one last kiss, knowing this may really be our last kiss. _Riley, this is what you have dreamed about; what are you doing?_

Giving him a little smile, I tell him, "I'll see you tomorrow afternoon when we get back with the medicine from the king."

"Are you sure you want to do this with him?" Remington asks with his eyebrow raised.

I nod to him and say, "Don't worry; I need to talk to Kyle and this is a perfect opportunity."

* * * *

After coming back from Remington's bunk yesterday, I do my best to avoid Kyle until night. I can't tell him what happened, and I can't really sleep either. But, I know Kyle knows, it's how when I glance at him, he looks away and when he doesn't think I see him he lets his shoulders down almost defeated. I don't have to say it, just as sure as Kyle's eyes are hazel, he knows I was with Remington.

Now the morning has come way too soon, and we stand here arguing in the doorway to our bunk. "Kyle, you can't tell me 'No.' I am going. We already decided that. You, well, I don't think anyone got to decide; you demanded you were going on this medicine run," I say with emphasis on the word "going."

"Riley, it's dangerous and I can tell you 'no.' The problem is you are too stubborn to listen," Kyle spits out at me. So, we stand both of our arms crossed in front of our chests staring at each other.

Aaron appears, "I figured I would find you here." He is looking at both of us as he hesitantly interrupts, "Oookay, looks like things are not going great here." He gives a little laugh. I quickly change my death glare from Kyle to Aaron who still has not stopped laughing, but I see him start to fidget. I guess we are making him feel uncomfortable.

"Sorry, Aaron, you are always welcome at my bunk," I say quietly.

Kyle chimes in, "Our bunk, Aaron, it is our bunk."

Then Aaron speaks up, "I wasn't talking about you, Riley. I was looking for Kyle." I let out a loud sigh, now disgusted with both of them.

"Kyle, do you know where you are going?" Aaron has a map with him. "We go here because it is the narrowest deep crossing in the river with plenty of cover. I know you are familiar with most of our drop off sites."

"This is just around back of here," Kyle tells Aaron as he points north.

Aaron continues explaining the location to Kyle, "It is, sort of. It will take you a good four hours or more to get there so you need to leave, well, now." Aaron gives me a smile. __ "I see you are getting along with who you are going with." Aaron is looking at Kyle then to me after he says this.

"No, she isn't coming. It is too dangerous. She isn't coming; she can wait here." Kyle is pointing his finger in the same spot I am standing. The more Kyle talks the more I want to pummel him.

Aaron counters, "I don't know if you know this girl, but she can kick someone's ass. She is one of our best." Then a big grin spreads across his face. "Kyle, have you ever told her she couldn't do something? Let me tell you how that ends up: she's going." Aaron is laughing about it.

"Aaron, I don't think this is a good idea," Kyle says as he stands here and talks about me not going, but I am gathering my things together. Turning around I start walking to the jeep. In the background I hear Aaron laughing hard at Kyle.

"She's going, Kyle. You better get used to the idea," Aaron laughs out. I can picture Kyle, his red face as he stomps his feet towards the jeep.

"I don't think that was funny, Riles," Kyle snaps at me when he gets to the jeep. He is pissed and my time with Remington just compounded his anger or maybe that is my imagination. I don't think he knows that we were making out and I let Remington's hands all over me, but he does know how long I was with him.

He climbs in his side of the jeep and takes a deep breath. "Sorry, Riley, I am really sorry and I'm sorry about earlier. I've pushed you to him. I know you love me." _I guess he might have an idea of me making out with Remington._ Glancing his way, I see the strain on his face. It isn't a control issue, like I thought; he thinks he's lost me and maybe he has. _Or maybe I lost him._

"I wasn't totally sure, Riles, until you couldn't look at me since Remington came back with Aaron." He lets out a long sigh. _I thought it was Kyle who couldn't look at me but maybe, maybe I was really the one avoiding his eyes."_

I place my hand on his, trying to be careful not to lead him on; I'm just trying to reassure him. "Kyle, I know you're sorry and not that I mind you being so forceful about being the one to go on this, but you barked it out at me. Why were you like that?" _My mind goes back to the when he would not let anyone have an option that he was going; he would not hear of anyone going but himself._

"Cami's my daughter, Riley." For a moment I freeze thinking he really means daughter but that would be impossible. "I see your eyes, Riles, and what I mean is this: I love her just as if she were my little girl. I...I found her, abandoned; you wouldn't even treat an animal like that." I won't deny she is good for him; she makes him the person he used to be, always kind and gentle.

"I really mean this, Riley. When we get to the pickup point you do not get out of this jeep." I slowly nod knowing I will never keep my word.

We drive a while in silence before Kyle starts explaining what it is we are doing. "Aaron sets up deals with the New Republic or he used to. That's why I knew he could speak with the king without any problems." I remain silent and listen. "I never meant it to look like I was going over you or around you."

"It's okay, Kyle. I'm sorry. That was a bad day with everything going on between Lancey's injuries, Cami and Preston. I really didn't thank everyone like I should have."

He gives my hand a squeeze then continues, "And we have to face it; Cami is going to be on insulin. She probably will need it the rest of her life; there is no other way, and Lancey may have been up the other day, but damn, he is white as a ghost with fever. We need the king's help." This time we will be getting ample amounts of insulin and antibiotics, and we won't have to steal it.

We hit a few big bumps and I bounce almost out of my seat. Kyle stretches his arm protectively across my lap to keep me in my seat and apologizes to me. Flashing him a small smile I notice there is some warmth when he touches me. Looking out the window I realize that I'm giving this up, but maybe I shouldn't. This is the boy I've known all my life. Maybe there is a work around if I could push back my feelings for Remington.

"Riley, it is very important to me that you stay in the jeep. It's a must. No questions asked." Instead of arguing with him I decide to listen and think about doing what he wants. After all he has apologized to me and I can't gain anything fighting with him.

He continues, "I will go to the river bank and pick up the box the king left there. We are going to be north of the houses Pratt just blew to hell." Swallowing hard I still think about the four days Kyle and I had there when we pretended we could live and have a family away from this. I never knew that touched my heart the way it did.

I realize my hand is still on Kyle's – maybe I have kept it there too long – and he is glancing at it with hope or maybe it is me looking at it with hope. _Whoever said growing up was easy...lied._

"Kyle, we need to talk about us." He stops the jeep and turns to face me. _Why did I say that?_

I am swallowing hard but there is something in my throat not allowing me to talk. He hands me a bottle of water. _Crap._

"Kyle, first I want to tell you that..." This all sounded so good when I practiced this in my head. But I need those words to come back to me. "...We have known..." No, that isn't what I mean. "You know you're in my heart."

"Riley, what are you trying to say? You can't do what I think you are doing. Is this why you came along? I've made mistakes, but we can work through it." His voice catches in his throat.

"Kyle, I..." He interrupts me.

**"We can get through this. I have made huge mistakes.** I didn't trust you enough to talk with you. But, I can only beg forgiveness for so long."

"Kyle, I care about you. You mean so much to me. You are part of my life." My tears trickle down my cheeks. He wipes them with his thumb. I'm sure I'm not saying anything that I thought I was going to say.

"What does this even mean, Riley?" His words are cold and detached then he quickly backs away, so he can look directly into my eyes. "If you care about me like you say you do. Then you would work this out with me." His face comes back inches from mine. "And you would forget about Remington." My breath catches and I can tell he knows.

There is a long silence. His eyes are pleading with me. "Don't cry if you don't want to work this out. Don't you dare do that!" I jump at his sudden hostility. What really am I expecting?

But my tears still come down my face. "Kyle, please." He shakes his head "no" at me, but I continue, "Then listen to me anyway." I am tired of all of this; it has been a weight on my shoulders that I can't carry anymore.

I muster every ounce of strength I have. "First, Kyle, I do care about you but... I have tried to get past things that have happened between us, but I am having a hard time. Second, I hate counting like this, but you piss me off. You are part of me, no matter what, and no matter what you say right now. You have a place in my heart."

I am hoping he can hear the sincerity in my words. He attempts to start talking but I cut him off. "Third, I think you know what Remington means to me. I am not saying I will ever..." _What was I going to say? Ever be with him? But I have been._ "...But each time you fight with him it pushes me that much farther from you. You have to allow me ..." He is quiet and I am hoping he is thinking about what I am saying.

"To be with him, Riles?" He lets out a sharp breath. "You already have but I won't ever give up on us. We are always supposed to be together. It's hard for me to see you looking at him like you want to fuck him all the time." _A little shock just hit me again._ His voice is quieter now than before. If he would just see those were promises made when we were little. We couldn't tell who we would be now.

He continues, "You will always be part of me too, and damn you, thinking I would be alright with you being with Remington." He takes a ragged breath while staring at me.

"Kyle, what are we even doing? Why are we fighting?" _I'm so angry, I'm being stupid._ "Kyle, can we stop this, please? This isn't what I want; that is the problem."

He is kneeling on his seat and reaches over, pinning me to mine and forcing his tongue into my mouth. At first, I am surprised at his impulsiveness, and he is making me gasp for air. After we just fought. We have not really solved anything, but I don't think I can make him stop kissing me right now. _What have I become?_

Just as sudden as he starts kissing me he stops and whispers, "I noticed you didn't try to stop me." I shake my head no to him.

Kyle starts the jeep and we are taking off. I stop talking; with my time I decide to memorize our every turn and every inch of the drive. We are slowing down and a new feeling of discomfort is building inside of me taller than the old high rises. He stops the jeep, runs over to my side and leans in.

The sun is glistening off his cheeks from his tears. He is crying. I did this to him and it hurts. "Riley..." he begins, his voice just barely audible, "... I will always love you. No matter what, you can't forget that. I will always pray that in your heart you find a way to forgive me and just be with me." Kyle opens the door and leans over me.

"Kyle you are scaring me," I say, but I nod and slide my hand over his. This time I lace my fingers with his. Kyle quickly wraps a hand around the back of my neck. Forcefully he pulls himself to me and kisses me. I am not able to make anything but a muffling sound because his lips are over mine with his tongue almost at the back of my throat. Fear is creeping in as I feel his weight on me. There is something wrong; I can feel it. My tears are running down my face as fear turns to panic as he suffocates me with his kisses.

I push the word "stop" out of my mouth. Kyle does. His tears have left small streak marks down his face.

"Riley, please tell me you will give us time? You have so much going on right now. Don't make a decision like this now. I had to do that one more time to see..."

"To see what, Kyle? That I care about you?" Taking the back of my hand I wipe his tears that have spilled on his cheeks away.

"Riley, you are my life, everything. I want all of you, the good, the bad, when we fight, when we laugh in the dark and the light."

He continues, "Can't you see, Riley? Can't you feel it?" He is waiting for me to answer.

With my hand I touch my lips. They feel warm from his kisses. Closing my eyes, I think of the excitement I have with Remington; then I picture all the time I have spent with Kyle. His hazel eyes and how you can see the gold flecks in them. How his smile reaches his eyes making them seem to dance when he looks at me.

I speak slowly to him, "Kyle, you are right with this Rebel camp; half the time I don't know what I'm doing or what I should be thinking. I do know that yesterday I kissed Remington and it was wrong. It isn't fair to you or him. Maybe, I am doing this because of the pressure. Maybe, I should think less about myself and more about the rebellion."

What I do today I can't turn back from, thinking what could be but knowing what is. Slowly I squeeze his fingers tightly; we both take in a deep breath, both of us knowing what is ahead for us. Calming myself I try not to let my voice tremble. "Kyle, we can't pretend that nothing happened, and I have not shut our door, but please ..." I don't know where I'm going with this; my mind keeps going blank. "I need you and not just because we are supposed to be together. You make me strong and with the rebellion, I need your help."

Kyle is silent as he lets go of my hand. He whispers in my hair, "I'll always love you. I can't say I am sorry for my behavior on the ride here. I had to try, and I always will try my best. Not just for you personally but for the rebellion."

"Riley, I have always loved you since we were little. I have made horrible mistakes and I have done unspeakable things. Hell, I lived with someone else and had countless people at other camps killed." Hearing him say it causes an unimaginable pain to shoot through me. I now realize I might have done the same, it bothers me to think this way.

"We have been through everything. I took you for granted when I first came to see you and I truly make myself sick. Just assuming you were waiting for me until I decided I might drop by or I might not drop by. God, I hate myself," Kyle confesses

"Don't, not anymore. We have to stop living in the past. It's killing us," I whisper.

He drops down to his knees. Having only seen him do these two other times with me I instantly wrap my fingers through his hair and hold him close to me. "Please forgive me, now. It doesn't mean we are healed or fixed, just that maybe we can move forward. Should I say someday? Then, maybe I'll allow myself to move forward?"

"Come on, you are scaring me," I whisper

"Please forgive me. Always remember me and how much I love you. And please always look after Cami; she loves you, too. And I think you are an incredible leader. The Rebels are lucky to have you on their side; you don't need my help for that," Kyle quietly says. He stands and starts to walk into the woods to get to the river.

As I mull the words he just said to me around in my head it hits me. "Wait!" I cry out as I start running. He turns around startled as I meet up with him near the beach to the river after the woods. He tries to quiet me so we won't draw any attention if someone is nearby.

"Kyle, don't you say goodbye to me!" I grab a handful of his shirt in each of my hands. "Don't you say goodbye to me; don't you do that to me. I will forgive you."

Softly he takes my hands and places them at my side. "I'll always love you. I think Remington could be better for you and the rebellion. Look what I have done. I'm a monster. I've been responsible for more deaths than I can count."

"That is because of your dad and trying to save me. Kyle, you aren't a monster."

"Maybe it was and maybe that's what I just told myself, Riley; it's hard to tell anymore." I swallow hard listening to him, trying not to let my body give away my how scared I am.

"See that green box over there?" He points down the river about two hundred yards. I nod to him and he continues, "We have to be quiet, Riley. You go back to the jeep while I go and get it." All at once he grabs the side of my face tilting me up to him and kisses me. I can feel his emotions. "I love you, Riley, remember that." I slightly nod to him. I feel something bad. Just like that he turns, walking to the river.

As I walk back to the woods I mumble to Kyle, "We're not done, I need you."

He knows I'm not going back to the jeep; as soon as I take a few steps in the woods I spin around to watch Kyle. I stumble a little at first, still feeling the passion that Kyle has left on my lips, finally feeling hope again for us.

As he approaches the opening I am standing behind a tree watching. His back straight and his head slightly tilted back all the while I hold my breath. He is at the box and I feel some relief. It looks like he is trying to make eye contact with me, like he knows right where I'm standing. Watching him, I notice he turns a little to the woods on the south side. He is waving like he sees someone he knows.

In slow motion, I watch his knees buckle and his head whip back as he falls to the ground landing on his back. Through the air I hear a sound that I have never forgotten from when I was little. It almost sounds like a crack from the air being split, a pop from a firework.

Kyle is shot. My Kyle is shot! Doubling over, I feel my stomach wretch and its contents spew from my mouth. A dizzy feeling is making it hard to stand. In my vision, through the clouds, I am trying to move; my breathing is too fast and I'm going to pass out.

Quickly, I work my way to the edge of the woods towards the river. Everything I was taught, it doesn't really matter now. I'm going to see Kyle. Not caring anymore, I go charging out of the woods. His body looks twisted while he is lying so still. His legs are facing one direction and his waist is turned another from the impact of the bullet.

Dropping to my knees while my tears stream down my face, I call to him, **"Wake up, wake up!"** Screaming at him, I am pulling his legs to straighten his body out. Quickly I crawl over to his chest to see where he is shot. There is blood everywhere. It's seeping into my clothes; it's warm, wet and sticky all over me.

Trying not to freak I continue screaming his name, "Please, Kyle, wake up! Kyle!" Still sobbing I try to apply pressure. I have to stop the bleeding. That is what you are supposed to do. I know this. Ripping a piece of my shirt I place it on the wound and push. My fingers feel the warm blood oozing from Kyle's body.

**"Help me, please help me!"** I don't know who I'm yelling to and don't care who hears me. I duck a little as I hear a few shots. _Are they shooting at me?_ I don't care, I have to help Kyle.

Trying to place myself closer to his ear, I talk to him as he lies there with his life draining away. I am in hopes by some miracle he can hear me. "Kyle, you have to try, please. Kyle, I was so wrong; I need you so much. Please! I'll do whatever you want; just come back to me." _Somehow, I think I can plead with him._

"Kyle! I love you, Kyle!" Now I gently nudge him. "Don't leave, we can talk more. Don't you leave!" I nudge him harder. **"Kyle! I told you not to leave me."**

Moving my cheek near his mouth I try to quiet myself as I swallow the bile that is forming in the back of my throat. Wiping my tears, I feel the wet, sticky liquid smearing across my face. My cheek is here next to his mouth and I feel nothing. He's gone. I sit up on my knees as everything sinks in.

Now there is no need to hold pressure on the wound in the upper right side of his chest.

"No, no, no!" I whisper to him while I kneel by his side again. "Kyle, how can you leave me now? What about Cami?" Pulling my body over his, I hug him one last time. "I love you, Kyle." I am kissing his still warm lips. As I stand, I finish straightening his body out. Leaving the supplies, I run as I hear more shots fired in the distance.

There was never a time that I truly believed Kyle would not be near me somewhere. Somehow, I thought, or maybe deep inside of me, I was hoping our differences wouldn't pull us apart and we would still love each other. I couldn't give him the love he wanted but it didn't mean I loved him any less. I never even told him I loved him. He was my knight and I don't know if I can live without him.

Weaving through the woods, I feel the shock is slowly thinning, leaving me sobbing even harder. Seeing the jeep, I get to the radio and scream.

Keying up to Toni, I yell, **"Help, I need Help. God, he is shot! Someone help! There are more shots being fired!"** Then I sob uncontrollably. It seems like a lifetime of me just sobbing when I hear a voice.

"Hang on, Riley, I'm almost there. Stay out of sight." It has to be? No, it can't be. Remington? How could it be? I stop sobbing to hear the words on the radio. Picking up a handgun and sliding it into my belt I start running back to Kyle now that I know someone is coming.

Then listening carefully, I hear voices coming from the direction of the river. Trying to breathe to calm myself, slowly with some control, I know what I have to do. Taking in as many deep breaths as I can I pull off my shoes and continue to the river. I'm going to kill whoever shot Kyle.

My feet are being cut by the branches I walk over. But my body is numb. Whoever killed Kyle, I can't afford to give them any consideration. Before nearing the river, I move to the grassier area. Silent. I slow my thoughts down, so when I see Kyle's lifeless body I won't gasp. I need to help Kyle. I need to take revenge. Lowering myself to the ground, I prop myself on my elbows.

I am watching two people get out of a small boat and by the way they are walking, they look like they are men from here. They continue to walk over to Kyle. Placing my hand over my mouth to stifle my gasp, I watch in horror while they drag his limp body to the edge of the Bisect River. I lie here in shock while I try to think of what is happening. The tears roll down my cheeks as I try to regain control.

My body is shaking uncontrollably while I look back to the river in horror. Why? They can't even let me bury Kyle? Why, why are they doing this? I can't shoot them, I am shaking too bad. Pushing myself back, and standing, quietly I walk back to the jeep, ignoring the pain in my feet. Doubling over before I slide to the ground, I let go of the sobs I am holding in.

"Riley?" My sobs slow as I try to listen. I don't know what is happening to me because I hear Remington calling my name. Just like on the radio earlier. "Riley." It sounds more urgent and closer. This is so cruel for my mind to do this. My sobs come back even harder knowing my mind is finally gone. Too much, it's all too much. I don't want this anymore.

Dropping to his knees beside me is Remington. "Riley?" He wraps his arms around me as I sit on the ground in my blood-soaked clothes. "Where is Kyle?"

"Gone"
I want to thank you for reading my book and above all, I hope you enjoyed it.

Page 31 Referenced the song: "Happy" by Pharrell Williams

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The Daunting Series; The Book of Consequence

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