>>> INVESTIGATORS SAY THAT THE
$4.5 MILLION DIAMOND RING STOLEN
FROM KIM KARDASHIAN WILL MOST
LIKELY BE MADE INTO SMALLER,
LESS-VALUABLE STONES.
YOU KNOW, LIKE KENDALL AND
KYLIE.
>>> A NEW PUBLIC BATHROOM HAS
OPENED IN CHINA THAT IS
COMPLETELY TRANSPARENT.
OH, SURE, BUT WHEN I USE A
TRANSPARENT PUBLIC BATHROOM I'M
VANDALIZING THE APPLE STORE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>>> IN CLOWN NEWS --
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> CLOWNS IN ARIZONA ARE
RALLYING IN SUPPORT OF THEIR
PROFESSION BY ORGANIZING A
"CLOWN LIVES MATTER" RALLY.
[ LAUGHTER ]
BECAUSE NOTHING REASSURES PEOPLE
LIKE AN ANGRY MOB OF CLOWNS.
EVEN WORSE, THE CLOWNS ARE
INVITING CHILDREN TO THE RALLY,
WHICH TAKES PLACE DEEP IN THE
WOODS.
GLAD I TRIED THAT ONE.
GLAD I TRIED THAT ONE.
>>> POLL NUMBERS IN THE
SWING STATES REMAIN CLOSE,
PUNDITS ARE SPECULATING THIS
ELECTION COULD BE DECIDED BY THE
FEMALE VOTERS OF SUBURBAN
PHILADELPHIA.
PLEASE WELCOME TWO UNDECIDED
VOTERS FROM
CLIFTON HEIGHTS, PENNSYLVANIA,
DENIES McDONOUGH AND DORIN
TROYER.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> HI, COLIN JOST.
>> HI, COLIN JOST.
>> WELCOME TO NEW YORK.
>> WE BROUGHT YOU SOME HAGGIS.
>> THANK YOU.
SO LADIES, HOW DOES IT FEEL TO
BE THE MOST SOUGHT-AFTER VOTERS
IN THE COUNTRY RIGHT NOW?
>> I LOVE IT.
>> I THINK IT'S FUN.
>> HAVE YOU DECIDED WHO YOU'RE
GOING TO VOTE FOR?
>> COLIN, I'M TORN.
FROM A SCOOTER ACCIDENT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
BUT ALSO -- I DON'T KNOW WHO I'M
GOING TO VOTE FOR.
>> ME NEITHER.
I THINK THEY'RE BOTH BAD.
>> WHATEVER, YOU LOVE TRUMP.
>> I DON'T LOVE TRUMP.
>> WELL STOP ACTING LIKE YOU DO,
EVERYONE THINKS YOU LOVE TRUMP.
YOU'RE ALWAYS LIKE, "OH, HIS
HAIR'S REAL, YOU KNOW."
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> I SAID IT ONE TIME.
GET OFF MY BRA STRAP, COOL
POLICE.
I DON'T LIKE TRUMP.
I DON'T LIKE THAT HE CALLED
ALICIA MACHADO FAT.
>> I KNOW.
LIKE DOES THIS GUY HAVE MIRRORS
IN HIS HOUSE?
HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE OPENED A
QUESADILLA TO PICK THE CHICKEN
OUT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> AND WHAT DO YOU GUYS THINK OF
SECRETARY CLINTON?
>> UHH -- NOT A FAN.
>> REALLY?
>> SHE LIED ABOUT HER E-MAIL.
SHE LIED ABOUT BENGHAZI.
SHE PRETENDED TO BE SURPRISED ON
STEVE HARVEY.
SHE ALSO CALLED PEOPLE A
BASKET OF DEPLORABLES.
AND THAT'S NOT A PHRASE.
>> HERE'S MY PROBLEM.
HILLARY'S HUSBAND CHEATED ON HER
AND I DON'T LIKE THE WAY SHE
HANDLED IT.
>> SO YOU THINK IT WAS NOT
FEMINIST OF HER TO DISCREDIT
GENNIFER FLOWERS --
>> WHAT?
NO, I DON'T LIKE THAT SHE DIDN'T
FINISH THE JOB.
A GIRL'S BANGING YOUR HUSBAND
FOR 12 YEARS?
AT THE VERY LEAST YOU'VE GOT TO
CUT OFF HER PONYTAIL.
>> BARE MINIMUM, YOU CUT THE
PONYTAIL.
>> GOT TO GO FOR THE TAIL.
>> COLIN, WE BROUGHT YOU THIS.
I APOLOGIZE, I'VE BEEN ON
VACATION.
>> ONCE A YEAR SHE GOES TO
JAMAICA.
>> OH, YEAH.
>> WHEN A GIRL FLIRTED WITH MY
HUSBAND, I RELEASED MICE INTO
THE DROP CEILING OF HER PIZZA
PLACE.
>> THIS ONE'S NOT PLAYING GAMES.
>> NO, NO SHE'S NOT.
HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT THESE
SHOCKING REVELATIONS WHERE
DONALD TRUMP SAID, WHEN YOU'RE A
STAR YOU CAN DO ANYTHING TO
WOMEN?
>> I GET IT.
>> UMMM -- IT DOESN'T BOTHER ME.
>> YEAH.
>> WAIT, YOU GUYS ARE NOT MAD?
>> WHEN YOU'RE A BIG STAR LIKE
THAT, YOU KNOW, THE RULES ARE
JUST DIFFERENT.
LIKE, IF YOU'VE EVER BEEN TO THE
PHILADELPHIA MUMMERS PARADE ON
NEW YEAR'S -- HAVE YOU EVER BEEN
TO THAT, COLIN JOST?
>> NO, I HAVE NOT.
>> YOU SHOULD GO, IT'S TERRIBLE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> ANYWAY, A LOT OF THE GUYS IN
THE CLOWN BRIGADE ARE ALREADY
DRUNK.
SOMETIMES THEY MIGHT HONK YOUR
BOOB ON THE WAY DOWN THE STREET.
I THINK TRUMP IS JUST KIND OF
LIKE THAT.
>> SO HE'S LIKE A DRUNKEN CLOWN
ON THE STREET?
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> YEAH, LIKE THAT.
>> MEN ARE ALWAYS GONNA BE
GROSS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
REMEMBER -- REMEMBER
WHEN --REMEMBER WHEN -- ME AND
PATRICE PUNCHED OUR WAY TO THE
FRONT ROW AT THE HOOTERS CONCERT
AT THE MANN MUSIC CENTER?
>> YES.
>> THE GUY WHO BLOWS KEYBOARDS
PULLED ME UP BY THE PERM AND
WENT TO TOWN ON ME LIKE I WAS
HIS MOUTH PIANO.
>> I THINK IT'S CALLED A
MELODICA.
>> BUT IT'S ALSO CALLED TWO FREE
T-SHIRTS AND A RIDE HOME.
DON'T SLUT SHAME ME!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
IT WAS LIKE FOUR YEARS AGO.
>> OUT OF ALL OF THEM THE ONE
THAT I THINK IS SECRETLY THE
BIGGEST JACKASS, MIKE PENCE.
>> YOU DON'T LIKE PENCE?
HE SEEMS LIKE THE NORMAL ONE.
>> HE SEEMS NORMAL BECAUSE HE'S
NEXT TO TRUMP, HE'S REALLY BIFF
FROM "BACKING TO THE FUTURE."
YOU KNOW HE BACKED THAT LAW IN
INDIANA SAYING, IF YOU'RE REAL
JESUS-Y YOU CAN REFUSE TO SELL
PIZZA TO GAY PEOPLE.
FIRST OF ALL, INDIANA, NO ONE
WANTS YOUR GARBAGE PIZZA.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
ALSO IT'S 2016.
WHAT OLD WHITE MAN THINKS HE'S
STILL IN CHARGE OF GAYS AND
WOMEN?
FIT TO FEEL LIKE IT'S THE '50s
AGAIN, I'LL PUT ON MY PINK
LADIES JACKET FROM THE "GREASE
2" PARTY.
>> SO FUN, SO FUN.
>> START A CONVERSATION WITH MY
GRANDPA WHO IS DEEP IN THE
THROES OF DEMENTIA.
>> THIS IS -- THIS IS WHY I
CAN'T DECIDE.
I'M PARALYZED, COLIN JOST.
WE BROUGHT YOU HOAGIES.
>> THANK YOU FOR THE HOAGIES.
ARE YOU GOING TO WATCH THE
DEBATE TOMORROW NIGHT?
>> I'LL PROBABLY PUT IT ON AFTER
"HALLOWEEN WARS."
>> YEAH.
OH, THAT SHOW IS MY FAVORITE.
THEY DO PUMPKINS AND CANDY.
>> THEY DO CHOCOLATE WORK AND
BAKING AND PUMPKINS.
AND THEY WORK TOGETHER TO MAKE
SOMETHING REALLY CREEPY.
>> WHY CAN'T OUR COUNTRY BE LIKE
HALLOWEEN WARS?
WE'RE CREEPIER TOGETHER.
>> SO ARE YOU VOTING FOR
HILLARY?
>> I'M PROBABLY WRITING IN
HOOTERS.
>> TWO UNDECIDED VOTERS FROM
SUBURBAN PHILADELPHIA.
>> FOR "WEEKEND UPDATE", I'M
MICHAEL CHE.
>> I'M COLIN JOST.
GOOD NIGHT AND HAVE A PLEASANT
TOMORROW.
