The fighting continues to escalate between Rebel Developer Epic Games and the Empire—
I mean Apple—
as the world’s richest fruit company moved the dreaded Phil-Star
into position for an Epic planetary death blow.
(laughs)
Apple politely informed the Rebeling Developer
that unless they reverted Fortnite to its pre Renegade App Store self
before August 28th
that they would be left with no choice but to destroy their Apple Developer Account with Finger Lightning.
Lord Timmothy went on to call Tim Sweeney
a stuck-up, half-witted, scruffy-looking turf worder.
Well
actually,
that's not what he said.
(tut-tutting)
Epic immediately filed an injunction with the court.
Their lawyer is with us to help explain
the legalese of what that means.
We wanna take all the money.
Epic went on to say
that Apple is being a great big doody-head
and they should just let them keep playing with their stuff,
and if they don’t they’re gonna tell mom.
Epic received unexpected help from the X-Nebula
as Microsoft filed a declaration of support with the Galactic Court,
saying it would be disastrous to revoke Epic’s access to Apple’s developer tools
because it would hurt the development of Unreal Engine
and more importantly
it would be super funny to see Apple take one up the corn hole,
and they totally weren’t saying that
because Apple just screwed them over
with the XBox streaming game thingy they denied.
Microsoft then gave Epic a bro-hug and a coupon for 10% off Windows
the Home edition, not Pro.
While pundits are split,
many believe the drastic actions by Apple
could lead to a harsh reaction from the Galactic Court.
If you wanted a story to slap down in
front of Congress
that would hurt Apple and probably help
you
this is sort of—I always try to look at
the end result and then reverse engineer
how I get there
and that to me seems like what Epic
wants out of this
is to change the game enough that they
can become part of it
and I think from that lens this is a
good strategy for them.
I don't know,
I'm not sure.
I think it is good, if in broad terms are you saying
that in terms of their battling this out
in the court of public opinion?
Yeah I think it also, yeah I think because I
don't think they'd win a lawsuit but I
think that they,
that they're creating a huge controversy
that plays into the
idea that people who are technologically
illiterate will eventually be able to
regulate companies like Apple.
If you want in-depth videos that really dig into every aspect of this
whole ridiculous billionaire pillow fight between Apple and Epic,
then you really should watch Rene Ritchie’s videos on the topic,
which I’ll link to in the description.
Also, if you haven’t already subscribed to Rene’s channel
what’s wrong with you?
And while you’re at it you might as well go ahead and subscribe to this one too.
This just in!
Animation takes a really long time.
So long, in fact, that lot’s of stuff has happened in the Epic Saga
before I could hit publish,
so here’s a summary faster than you could make the Kessel run.
Ready?
The Galactic court ruled
Fortnite had to stay in it’s room until it ate all its vegetables
but Apple could not ground Unreal Engine.
Epic cried and said
it didn’t wanna play anymore then took it’s ball and went home.
Apple wrote mean things about it on the bathroom wall.
And Epic sent drunk texts to all their friends
saying Apple was terrible in bed.
Apple says,
bye Felicia!
(sigh)
There,
all caught up.
In other news from space,
Mark Gurman, a known spy and bounty hunter,
leaked to the galactic press the Empire’s plan—
(sigh)
I mean Apple’s plan,
I don’t know why I keep doing that—
Anyway
He leaked to the press,
Apple's plan to offer loyal citizens a series of bundles
that include various Imperial subscription services.
According to the scurvy spy
the bundles,
dubbed “Apple One” inside the Cupertino Imperial Headquarters,
are planned to launch as early as October.
Even though you’d think a bundle named “Apple One”
would be, you know, one thing,
Gurman asserts the bundles will be offered in
multiple “Tiers”
in a bid to confuse and enrage customers
in order to force them to the Dark Side
of push notification marketing.
A later version of iOS 14 will
include the ability for your device to
suggest bundles to you based on the
services you are already subscribed to.
Oh I'm sure!
I have no doubt.
Guess what?
More upselling
of Apple products and services within the
iOS user interface
Yeah.
Of course it will, and you know what I bet, it's not
just in settings
I bet like I'll open Apple Music and it'll go
Oh hey!
you should get News!
Yeah, maybe some push notifications
some badges on icons.
The bundle prices
are rumored to be from 7 to 12 parsecs.
But...
Hey thanks for watching.
If you stuck around this long then
maybe you could just go ahead and hit
that Subscribe Button
and the little bell too,
and if you want to find out more you
could head over to our Patreon link
or maybe find us on Twitter.
Alright,
see you next time.
