- Although America's the
greatest nation in the world,
we still face many
modern problems.
So what am I suggesting?
Fake Canadian ID cards
for all Americans.
(laughing)
(funky music)
(party music)
(laughing)
(party music)
(breaks screeching)
The fuck are you doing?
(laughing)
You gotta get out of my car.
I'm serious!
(laughing)
(car revs)
(party music)
That crazy dancing
making my penis soft.
(laughter)
(party music)
(upbeat dancing music)
That is what I call dancin'.
You should've seen the
girl that was sittin'
in there before you, woo!
Oh, snap!
There she go right there.
(engine revving)
- Ugh!
(laughing)
Ah, I'm gettin' real
crazy girl, hold on.
(laughing)
- Woo!
(audience applauds)
- Not HBO.
(lighthearted music)
It's just regular ass TV.
(laughing)
(audience applauds)
- [Narrator] Dave Chappelle's
Educated Guess Line.
(laughing)
Dave Chappelle is not a psychic.
He is merely a
racist who believes
that stereotypes
dictate our futures.
- [Woman] My boyfriend
says my butt's too big.
Why would he say that?
My old boyfriend
liked it just fine.
- Okay, have you gained weight?
- [Woman] No.
- Okay, so your current
boyfriend is white.
- [Woman] Oh my gosh, yes!
- Yeah, and your old
boyfriend's black ain't he?
- [Woman] Oh my god,
how did you know that?
- 'Cause a brother can't
get enough of that ass.
(laughing)
Hold up, I'm seeing something.
It's your parents.
- [Woman] Oh god.
- They're angry, real angry.
They kicked you out for dating
a black dude didn't they?
- [Woman] Oh my
god, there's no way
you could've known that
unless you knew me.
- Or if I dated four
white girls myself.
Thanks for playin'.
(laughing)
(dial tone rings)
- [Narrator] Dave Chappelle's
insights will astound you.
- [Miguel] Bueno, is
this Dave Chappelle?
- All right, I'm
hearin' an accent.
You from south of the border?
- [Miguel] You amaze me, man.
- Hold on that, is
your name Miguel?
- [Miguel] It is!
- Bam!
All right all right,
go ahead though.
- [Miguel] So today, I was
driving on the freeway.
- Stop drivin'.
You drive a pickup
truck don't you Miguel?
- [Miguel] Yes, I do.
- Mhmm, and you don't
have insurance do you?
- [Miguel] No, I don't.
- Bam!
- [Narrator] Sometimes
Dave will talk
with a phony bologna
Jamaican accent.
- The cards don't lie.
(laughing)
Lord have mercy.
(laughing)
(harp playing)
Hello!
- [Woman] Collect call from
a correctional facility.
Will you accept the charges?
- Yes I will.
- [Woman] Go ahead sir.
- All right, before
you even say anything,
you black ain't you?
- [Man] Yo, this
nigga is off the hook!
- Wait a minute,
I see something.
- [Man] What?
- You gettin' out of jail!
- [Man] Say words, son!
- You walkin' out
you are free as a bird!
- [Man] Say words, son!
- Hold up, I'm seeing something.
It's six weeks later.
You're going right
back into jail
(laughing)
for the same shit.
- [Man] What kind of--
(dial tone rings)
- [Narrator] Call
this number now
and let Dave or one of
his educated guessers
tell you your future.
It's only 99 cents
for the first minute,
2.50 each additional minute.
You can't afford not to have
your future read
based on stereotypes.
- Call me now for a
bumbaclot reading.
(laughing and cheering)
(gibberish)
- I'm a comedian,
I travel a lot,
and needless to say I
get horny out there.
I'm a chronic masturbater.
I tried waggin' off with my PC,
but I felt like it was too much
clickety clack, clickety clack.
With my Mac, I mean
the video resolution
is so clear I can see
parts of the vagina
that I didn't even know existed,
labias and flabias
and flip flaps.
Man, I'm a chronic masturbater.
I don't know what they
make the keys out of,
but whatever it
is it's non-stick.
And then with iTunes
I can actually listen
to some of my favorite music
while I'm masturbating.
Wu-Tang Clan ain't
nothin' mess with.
I'm Dave Chappelle and
I love internet porn.
- Secret 1986 document from
a major tobacco company
contains the following passage,
"Cigarette smoking can result
in feelings of euphoria,
"increased alertness,
rises in short term memory,
"and can have a calming
effect on nerves."
(laughing)
- And you know, they're not
bad after unprotected sex
with multiple partners either.
(laughing)
Hey Scooter, you tryin'
to get some of this?
Come on dog, look
how cool we are.
(laughing)
I was talkin' about the
cigarettes, but come on in.
(laughing)
- Hey what's the matter?
- Pam, do you have
anything sanitary?
I'm all out and
my flow is heavy.
- Do I?
Girl, I got something
that'll keep your flow
mother fuckin' tizz-ight.
(laughing)
- [Girl] Mother
freakin' tizz-ight?
- What's up ladies?
My name Damon Dash, CEO
of Roc-A-Fella Records.
Now Roc-A-Fella's about to get
all up in that ass
with Roca Pads.
Roca Pad is 30% more absorbent
than the leading brands.
(laughing)
So if your period is droppin'
then we catch it, ya mean?
It's the Roc, holla!
(laughing)
- You feelin' fresh now?
- For shizzle my bizzle.
(laughing)
- What are you doing?
- What, nothing.
- So if your bum is leakin' you
need to be seekin' Roca Pad.
It's the Roc.
- [Friend] Let me get
my cheddar burger, man.
- [Dave] Hold your horses
man, we're all hungry.
- [Friend] Are your
horses here though?
Then let me hold
them for you, man.
(laughing)
Let me get my
cheddar burger, man.
We've been here a long time.
(coughing)
You all right?
(laughing)
No cheddar for you man.
(tires screeching)
Gimme a cheddar burger, man.
- Man, chill out with
that cheddar burger.
- Yeah, chill out.
- Cheddar.
- You it was in your hand
the whole time, stupid.
- [Dave] You gotta
eat that burger, dude.
(laughing)
(beep)
- [Narrator] Marijuana
reduces reaction time by 30%.
Turns out, it's not
so harmless after all.
- I killed her, yo!
Come on man, we gotta
chop her body up
and stuff it down the drain.
- Let's go, let's the
(beep) outta here!
- I can't man, there's
people back there!
(beep)
(screaming)
(laughing)
(beep) Come on!
- Let's go, let's go.
(laughing)
- [Narrator] If you're a
girl under the age of 12
and you're high on marijuana
don't ride your bike.
- Good to see you!
- Hey, what night is it guys?
- [All] Dude's Night!
(screaming and cheering)
Dudes, dudes, dudes!
(mumbling)
- Oh.
(laughing)
Yo, excuse me, what
are you talkin'--
- Hey man, what do you mean?
Don't worry about it.
I bought that bitch a drink.
I don't play that game at a bar.
Hey, look at me!
(rock music)
- What, you think this
is a game, biatch?
This is dude's night out!
(screaming)
- Mother (beep)!
(screaming and punching)
- [Narrator] Dude's night out!
- The only reason I'm cryin'
is 'cause of the adrenaline.
(crying)
- Aw, no man!
(screaming)
- [Narrator] Dude's night out!
(laughing)
(rock music)
Dude's night out!
- Hey, hey there lady.
Y'all wanna party with us?
Oh!
(laughing)
Oh, nigga that's a dude!
- Shut the (beep) up, man.
I am drunk and I am horny.
- [Prostitute] Hey, baby.
- Ha, you're jealous, Dave!
(laughing)
- [Dave] No!
Don't do it!
- Holler at ya boy!
- [Dave] No!
- [Narrator] Dude's night out!
(laughing)
- Let's go.
(laughing)
- Yo, mouth to mouth man.
(rock music)
- [Dave] What?
- I'm out.
- Billy, what are you doin'?
Billy.
Billy, stop!
(rock music)
- [Steve] I'm just gonna
be with him.
(laughing)
- Hey, Steve, hey!
You guys!
- [Steve] Yo, Tanya,
Tony, whatever it is.
(laughing)
- [Narrator] When
it's dude's night out
it's got to be Schlipp's.
(laughing and cheering)
(patriotic music)
- All though America's the
greatest nation in the world,
we still face many
modern problems.
And modern problems
require modern solutions.
Healthcare is in shambles,
Medicaid doesn't work,
and the insurance
industry has made
medicine virtually unaffordable.
Meanwhile, our neighbors in
Canada have free healthcare
for all their citizens,
so what am I suggesting?
Fake Canadian ID cards
for all Americans.
(laughing)
When you get sick
run on up to Canada
and get yourself checked out.
(laughing)
Teen pregnancy's a huge
problem in this country,
and what we need are
more programs in place
that promote abstinence.
My solution, have every
high school principle
have sex with the oldest
teacher in the school
in front of the students.
And make sure you rub
them both with mayonnaise
to accentuate the
sounds of their
old flesh flapping together.
This powerful image is
sure to be a deterrent
that the children
will never forget.
(laughing)
I'm Dave Chappelle, and
I want to represent you.
♪ Chappelle Show ♪
♪ Chappelle Show ♪
♪ Chappelle Show ♪
♪ Chappelle Show ♪
♪ Ow! ♪
♪ Woohoo hoo! ♪
♪ Woohoo! ♪
♪ Yeah, you're gone ♪
(blues music)
♪ Let's start the show ♪
(harmonica playing)
