(LAUGHTER)
AND FOLKS, INTERNET EQUALITY IS
MORE IMPORTANT THAN EVER, AS I
LEARNED THIS WEEKEND WHEN THE
INTERWEBS TRIED TO SWALLOW ME
WHOLE.
BUT I AM PROUD TO SAY THAT I GOT
LODGED IN ITS THROAT AND IT
HACKED ME BACK UP LIKE A HASTILY
CHEWED CHICKEN WING.
(LAUGHTER)
THIS IS WHO'S ATTACKING ME NOW.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
TO FIND OUT WHAT HAPPENED TO ME
ON THE INTERNET, WE TURN TO THE
TV.
>> PEOPLE ARE CALLING FOR THE
STEPHEN COLBERT SHOW TO BE
CANCELED AFTER A TWEET ABOUT
ASIANS APPEARED ON THE COMEDY
CENTRAL TWITTER ACCOUNT.
>> #CANCELCOLBERT IS
TRENDING THIS MORNING.
>> #CANCELCOLBERT IS TRENDING
THIS MORNING.
>> #CANCELCOLBERT WENT VIRAL.
>> Stephen: BUT FOLKS, I'M
STILL HERE!
(AUDIENCE CHANTING "STEPHEN")
>> Stephen: IT'S ALL BECAUSE
OF YOU PEOPLE!
THE DARK FORCES TRYING TO
SILENCE MY MESSAGE OF CORE
CONSERVATIVE PRINCIPLES MIXED
WITH YOUTH-FRIENDLY PRODUCT
PLACEMENT HAVE BEEN THWARTED.
(LAUGHTER)
WENT THROUGH A FEW OF THESE THIS
WEEKEND.
BUT FOLKS, I'M NOT GOING TO
LIE -- IT WAS CLOSE.
WE ALMOST LOST ME.
(LAUGHTER)
I'M NEVER GOING TO TAKE ME FOR
GRANTED EVER AGAIN.
HERE'S WHAT HAPPENED TO ME.
LAST WEDNESDAY, I SALUTED
WASHINGTON REDSKINS OWNER DANIEL
SNYDER FOR HIS NEW CHARITY, THE
WASHINGTON REDSKINS ORIGINAL
AMERICANS FOUNDATION.
WHICH SOME HAVE CALLED AN
OBVIOUS ATTEMPT TO WIN OVER
NATIVE AMERICANS BECAUSE IT ONLY
USES THE TERM "REDSKINS" ONCE IN
ITS NAME.
(LAUGHTER)
NOW, I HAVE MY OWN RACIAL
MISUNDERSTANDING WITH THE ASIAN
COMMUNITY OVER A LONG-RUNNING
AND BELOVED CHARACTER ON MY
SHOW.
VERY IMPORTANT.
HE IS A CHARACTER.
HE IS NOT ME.
THIS IS THE REAL STEPHEN
COLBERT.
I MEAN EVERYTHING I SAY ON THIS
SHOW.
HE MEANS...
WELL, YOU WOULD HAVE TO ASK HIM.
AND HE'S NOT RETURNING MY CALLS.
ANYWAY, I WAS SO INSPIRED BY DAN
SNYDER'S CHARITABLE OUTREACH
THAT I FORMED MY OWN CHARITY.
"THE CHING CHONG DING DONG
FOUNDATION FOR SENSITIVITY TO
ORIENTALS OR WHATEVER."
(LAUGHTER)
THAT WAS WEDNESDAY.
IT RERAN FOUR TIMES ON THURSDAY,
WAS POSTED ON THE SHOW'S
Facebook PAGE.
NOT A PEEP OUT OF THE INTERNET.
THEN AROUND 7:00 ON THURSDAY, MY
NETWORK'S PROMOTIONAL TWITTER
ACCOUNT, @COLBERTREPORT, TWEETED
THE NAME OF MY FOUNDATION
WITHOUT PROVIDING A VIDEO LINK
TO THE ORIGINAL SEGMENT OR
MENTIONING THAT I WAS INSPIRED
BY THE REDSKINS CHARITY.
WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT A MEANS
OF COMMUNICATION LIMITED TO 140
CHARACTERS WOULD EVER CREATE
MISUNDERSTANDINGS?
(LAUGHTER)
BUT I HAVE NEVER ONCE USED
@COLBERTREPORT.
AS YOU HEROES KNOW, I'M
@STEPHENATHOME.
THOUGH FULL DISCLOSURE, I
SOMETIMES TWEET FROM
@STEPHENATHOME AT WORK IN THE
BATHROOM.
THEN, WHEN THE TWIT HIT THE FAN,
THE BRAIN TRUST AT MY NETWORK
TOOK THE TWEET DOWN, BECAUSE
THAT'S HOW THIS INTERNET WORKS.
YOU CAN JUST TAKE STUFF DOWN AND
NO ONE WILL EVER KNOW IT
HAPPENED.
JUST ASK MAYOR WIENER.
(LAUGHTER)
NOW, I'M NOT TRYING TO THROW
ANYONE UNDER THE BUS HERE.
MOSTLY BECAUSE I DON'T GO THAT
CLOSE TO PUBLIC TRANSPORTATION.
BUT WHEN I SAW THE TWEET WITH NO
CONTEXT, I UNDERSTOOD HOW PEOPLE
WERE OFFENDED.
SAME WAY I, AS AN
IRISH-AMERICAN, WAS OFFENDED
AFTER READING ONLY ONE LINE OF
JONATHAN SWIFT'S "A MODEST
PROPOSAL."
I MEAN, EAT IRISH BABIES?!
HASHTAG CANCEL SWIFT!
TREND IT!
(LAUGHTER)
(APPLAUSE)
NOW, ALL OF THIS WAS STARTED BY
A HASHTAG ACTIVIST, OR A
HASHTIVIST, WHO HAS BEEN
VICIOUSLY ATTACKED ON TWITTER.
IF ANYONE IS DOING THAT FOR ME,
I WANT YOU TO STOP RIGHT NOW.
SHE'S JUST SPEAKING HER MIND.
THAT'S WHAT TWITTER'S FOR, AS
WELL AS RUNNING THE ENDING OF
EVERY SHOW I HAVEN'T WATCHED
YET.
NOW, THE CANCEL COLBERT PEOPLE
THINK THAT EVEN IN CONTEXT, I'M
A RACIST.
I JUST WANT TO SAY THAT I'M NOT
A RACIST.
I DON'T EVEN SEE RACE.
NOT EVEN MY OWN.
PEOPLE TELL ME I'M WHITE, AND I
BELIEVE THEM BECAUSE I JUST
DEVOTED SIX MINUTES TO
EXPLAINING HOW I'M NOT A RACIST.
(LAUGHTER)
(APPLAUSE)
AND THAT'S ABOUT THE WHITEST
THING YOU CAN DO.
NOW, ONCE THE CANCEL COLBERT
HASHTAG GOT ROLLING, IT WAS ONE
TO HAVE THE TOP FIVE TRENDS FOR
MORE THAN 36 HOURS BECAUSE
EVERYBODY WANTS TO TALK ABOUT
THE KING.
(LAUGHTER)
THEN IT WAS PICKED UP BY A SMALL
GROUP OF AMERICANS WHO GET THEIR
INFORMATION "ONLY" FROM
TWITTER -- THE NEWS MEDIA.
THERE WERE ONLINE STORIES IN THE
"U.S.A. TODAY," THE
"NEW YORKER," "VARIETY,"
"SLATE," THE "HUFFINGTON POST,"
THREE FEATURES ON "TIME DOT-COM"
AND SEVEN ON "SALON."
CNN EVEN TOOK A BREAK FROM THEIR
MALAYSIAN AIRLINER COVERAGE TO
REPORT SPOTTING WHAT THEY
THOUGHT WAS THE WRECKAGE OF MY
SHOW OFF THE COAST OF AUSTRALIA.
(LAUGHTER)
(APPLAUSE)
BUT MAYBE MOST HURTFUL, MY
FELLOW CONSERVATIVES ABANDONED
ME IN MY TIME OF NEED.
LIKE MICHELLE MALKIN, WHO
"CO-SIGNED" ON TO CANCEL-COLBERT
AND CALLED ME A "COWARD."
THIS CUTS DEEP, ESPECIALLY SINCE
I LEARNED EVERYTHING I KNOW
ABOUT SENSITIVITY TO THE
ASIAN-AMERICAN EXPERIENCE FROM
MICHELLE'S 2004 BOOK, "IN
DEFENSE OF INTERNMENT."
(AUDIENCE BOOING)
TURNS OUT THEY HAD IT COMING.
(LAUGHTER)
ONE LESS THING TO FEEL GUILTY
ABOUT.
SO TO RECAP -- A WEB EDITOR I'VE
NEVER MET POSTS A TWEET IN MY
NAME ON AN ACCOUNT I DON'T
CONTROL, OUTRAGES A HASHTAG
ACTIVIST, AND NEWS MEDIA GETS 72
HOURS OF CONTENT.
THE SYSTEM WORKED!
(LAUGHTER)
BUT THIS ALL STARTED RIGHT AFTER
I TAPED THURSDAY NIGHT'S SHOW,
SO I COULDN'T RESPOND UNTIL
TODAY.
IN A SENSE, I "WAS" CANCELED...
FOR THREE DAYS.
JUST LIKE JESUS.
