>>> CATS.
A CAT IS A FRIEND WITH FUR.
>> A CAT IS A PILLOW THAT HUGS
YOU BACK.
>> CATS ARE THE CROUTONS ON THE
SALAD OF LIFE.
>> A CAT IS AN ANGEL THAT POOPS
IN A BOX.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> SO COME ON DOWN FOR OUR
THANKSGIVING CAT-UCOPIA
GIVE-AWAY HERE AT WHISKERS "R"
WE.
>> HI I'M BARBARA.
>> AND I'M FURONICA.
LIKE VERONICA BUT HOW A CAT
WOULD SAY IT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> YOU ARE LOCA, MUCHACHA.
MANY OF THESE RESCUE CATS COME
FROM OWNERS WHO DIDN'T VALUE
THEIR SPECIALNESS.
>> SO LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT
TODAY'S FELINA.
[ MEOWING ]
>> ALAN IS A HIMALAYAN.
AND YOU CAN FIND HIM A-LAYING ON
THE COUCH.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> YOU SHOULD DO STANDUP.
YOU'RE A REGULAR KAT WILLIAMS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> FOR YOU "AMERICAN IDOL" FANS,
WE CALL THIS CAT SIMON COWELL.
BECAUSE HE'S A GRUMPY BRITISH
SHORTHAIR AND HE KNOCKED UP HIS
BEST FRIEND'S WIFE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
THE HEART WANTS WHAT IT WANTS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
HANDS TO OURSELVES, PLEASE.
WE ARE ON CAMERA.
[ LAUGHTER ]
OH, BOY.
THIS IS CASSANDRA.
CASSANDRA KIND OF FLIPS THE
SCRIPT ON YOU, MEANING, WHEN SHE
FARTS, IT SOUNDS HUMAN AND
YOU'LL GET BLAMED.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> FARTS ARE FUNNY.
>> HOW OLD ARE YOU AGAIN?
>> I DON'T KNOW.
[ LAUGHTER ]
WE LOST TRACK OF TIME IN THE
BUNKER.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> AI-YI-YI, I DO HAVE A TYPE.
OKAY.
WHERE ARE WE?
THIS ONE IS KARL.
>> WE'RE MAD AT KARL RIGHT NOW
BECAUSE HE'S BEEN VERY NAUGHTY.
HE CLAWED UP MY SOFA AND THEN HE
VOTED FOR JILL STEIN.
[ LAUGHTER ]
HE'S A LITTLE ASSWIPE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
HE DESERVES A PINCH.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> THAT IS MY NIPPLE AND I THINK
YOU KNOW THAT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
I THINK I KNOW YOU LIKE IT.
>> OH, BOY.
[ LAUGHTER ]
THIS IS BUTTER NUT.
BUTTER NUT --
BUTTER NUT IS A MASTER OF
PSYCHOLOGICAL MANIPULATION.
[ LAUGHTER ]
WHO SPECIALIZES IN GAS LIGHTING.
>> DOES HE EVER.
HE CONVINCED ME I WAS THE CAT.
IT STARTED WITH AN INNOCENT
SUGGESTION, CUT TO TWO MONTHS
LATER AND I'M EATING TUNA AND
LICKING MY OWN BUTTHOLE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> AKA THE GREATEST WEEK OF MY
LIFE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> KEEP IT IN YOUR JORTS GF.
OKAY.
THIS IS PEARL.
PEARL IS WHITE AS A GHOST
BECAUSE SHE IS ONE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
SHE DIED IN THE 1940s.
BUT SHE'S STICKING AROUND
BECAUSE SHE HAS UNFINISHED
BUSINESS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
IF SHE APPEARS IN YOUR MIRROR,
IT'S OVER.
[ LAUGHTER ]
THIS IS DIZZY.
DIZZY IS INTO S AND M.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> SAUCERS OF MILK.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> AND ALSO PEEING ON HER
PARTNER DURING SEX.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> THIS LAST CAT IS NAMED MR.
MAJESTICAL.
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
YES, THAT'S RIGHT.
"CATS" THE MUSICAL IS BACK AND
IN THE TIMELESS WORDS OF
ANDREW LLOYD WEBBER, THIS GUY'S
NOT PART OF IT, HE'S JUST A
CRAZY PERSON.
[ LAUGHTER ]
YOU CAN CURRENTLY SEE HIM ON
BROADWAY IN THE ROLE OF MAN
SCREAMING IN FRONT OF THE
BILLABONG STORE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> SO COME ON DOWN TO WHISKERS
"R" WE.
>> THE ADOPTION PROCESS IS
SIMPLE.
WE PUT CATS IN YOUR CAR WHEN
YOU'RE NOT LOOKING.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> COME ON DOWN TO WHISKERS "R"
WE!
>> THANKSGIVING IS
CAT-ATOPIA.
SEE YOU THERE.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
♪♪♪
