 
## It was you...

By Benjamin J. Mecouch

Copyright 2013 Benjamin Mecouch

Smashwords Edition

Smashwords Edition, License Notes

Thank you for downloading this free e-book. Although this is a free book, it remains the copyrighted property of the author, and may not be reproduced, copied and distributed for commercial or non-commercial purposes. If you enjoyed this book, please encourage your friends to download their own copy at Smashwords.com. Thank you for your support.

Cover Art by Tatiana Villa

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This book is dedicated to my wife Jessica, she is not only my biggest fan but she is my rock.

****

James stared down the barrel of the gun.

He could see his life ending in an instant; all of the mistakes he had made and all the good things in his life, they no longer mattered.

He looked deep into the gun's muzzle; like a black never-blinking eye, it gazed back at him. James knew his time had come, he had tried to make amends for all of the things he had done to hurt the ones he loved. The old saying that it was better to have loved and lost then to have never loved at all came to mind knowing that with one pull of the trigger it would be all over.

His tears flowed freely down his face, their salty trails washed away by the falling rain.

James was no longer afraid; he no longer had questions about where his life was going and what his heart desired. James had loved; he had experienced a love that most would never know. He had come to terms with how that love had affected his heart and he understood now why it had come to this.

The rain was cold on his shoulders and his body shook with tremors. The pain in his head was more than he could take. There was no fear. The time had come, there would be no more questions and he welcomed the release from his tortured heart. His thoughts grew quiet and he thought only of her.

With a flash, the gun exploded in the night. James' heart was finally at peace as the world around him darkened to blackness...

****

The rain fell lightly upon the crowd gathered at the gravesite. It was still early afternoon and the weather forecasters had called for the late summer showers to continue into the night. James stood statue still among the grieving, holding his own emotions close. He had become very accustomed to not sharing his true feelings with anyone. His heart was his prison only and he shared the hurt and pain with no one else. The family and friends gathered around the muddy hole wept softly, occasionally a wail of disappointment and sorrow could be heard over the quiet sobs.

James was there, not as a sad family member or a grief stricken friend, but as a man who had lost his true love. James stared at the coffin resting on the lowering winch straps and his mind was clouded with personal sorrow and sadness. He had expected in one way to be relieved that she was finally gone from his life like a sort of closure, but his heart knew better. She may be gone from this earth but she would never be gone from his soul. James fought his feelings, reeled them in and held them hard and fast. A part of him felt like it was dying as the casket came to rest at the bottom of the open grave. He felt as if his whole life was now going to be changed, and he was unsure if it were for the better or worse.

Mourners slowly and methodically tossed flowers on top of the coffin as they proceeded past the grave, saying their last goodbyes and farewells. James stood in his place, letting the crowd diminish and the family to slowly move on. The rain picked up some and the feeling of cold and wet began to seep under his shirt and chill his skin. The damp air had started to grow cooler as the sun moved across the sky, hidden behind a thick mass of dark gray clouds. He watched as the family exited the grave area and entered the warmth of their waiting cars and funeral home limos. He thought to himself that, at this very moment, the artificial warmth of a car heater could do nothing to warm the cold feeling he felt deep in his soul.

The graveyard workers quickly attended to their duties, certainly desiring to remove themselves from this dismal weather as quickly as possible. The funeral director had secured all of the remaining family into their vehicles and approached James.

"Sir, I am truly sorry for your loss. The loss of a loved one is always very hard, and grief is different for all of us."

James did not answer.

"Sir, this may not be my place, but sometimes talking to someone about your pain may help the grieving process. Do you feel like you need to talk to someone?"

"No, thank you" James muttered as he moved past the man.

"Sir, grief is a hard emotion to conquer alone, if you decide you need to talk," the man stated as he pulled a business card from his coat pocket, "my wife is a grief counselor and she would be more than willing to help you through this sad time in your life."

James turned back toward the man but did not take the card from his outstretched hand.

"Um, ok, that's fine then. Will you be okay to get home from here? Our life celebration services include free shuttle service for any attendees that feel too emotional to drive home" he stated very politely with a quiet, rehearsed voice.

James only glared at the man square in the face and turned away. The man had instantly seen the hurt in his eyes and was stunned by the sheer pain they reflected back to him.

"Again, I am terribly sorry for your loss sir, drive safe in this weather" he called out to James who was already walking down between the rows of gravestones towards his awaiting car.

Once in his car James wept, openly. The storm of emotions that he had been holding in for so long had now, once again, come to the surface and threatened to never cease. He tried to fight them off, tried desperately to hold unto what strength he had left. She had always meant the world to him. From the first instant he saw her; he knew that she was forever going to be in his heart. She had the power over him to truly make him feel like his life was complete and that there was such a thing a true love. He had instantly fallen in love with her, physically and emotionally. She had always made him excited and terrified at the same time. Her being got so deep into his soul that there was no extracting it. James felt as if he were going to break, this was going to be the moment in his life where he no longer could bear to go on.

Karen had meant so much to him and now she was gone. She had left him behind to try and carry on with no answers to guide him, no one to be there as that guiding light in his life. He would never know what the rest of his life would now be like without her. His tears flowed freely and he sobbed. His body racked with emotion and he was unable to see through the flood of tears from his eyes.

He started the car and turned the heater on, remembering his brief thought of futility by the grave. The air forced from the car's blowers slowly warmed and although he felt completely frozen inside, his shivers slowly subsided. James sat an unknown amount of time in his car.

The small tent constructed over the grave itself was left in place; boards had been placed over the hole. James knew that when the rain subsided the dirt would be placed back in the hole and she would be forever buried; her body entombed in the ground for eternity.

The clouds had unleashed all of the moisture they contained and the rain came down in sheets upon his car. He engaged the wipers but it almost seemed as if the world was crying for its loss as well, and James' windshield was blinded by the tears. He turned on the radio in hopes that the background noise would clear his head and help him get hold of any rational thought he could.

Immediately he was enveloped in the sounds of their love and their passion for music. Garth Brooks sang to James of love lost and the dance of life we all must endure. " _Looking back on the memory of, the dance we shared beneath the stars above, and for a moment, all the world was right. How could I have known that you'd ever say goodbye..._ ", the country singer's voice faded out as James was taken back to another time, long ago, when she was all his for a summer and nothing else mattered.

****

Karen Mettle had been her name back then and she was a sight to behold; young and vibrant, sexy and confident. Meeting Karen so many summer's ago had changed James' life forever. They had both come a long way in their lives and never knew what tomorrow was going to bring them.

Karen and James had both signed up to do summer internships at the same well known and nationally recognized educational summer camp. James came to the internship with his education degree from Penn State University, and Karen was their with her early-childhood development degree from Juliette, an all girls college in the eastern part of the same state.

James, at the time, had a girlfriend. A serious one if you had asked either of them. James had planned to marry this girl and start a family. He had aspirations of being a teacher, like his Dad, and educating the youth of America. He was full of cocky confidence and was excited to make a difference in lives of younger children. James was twenty-one and knew it all, he had been with the same girl for five years now; they had been high school sweethearts and she had stuck by him all through schooling and was going to be by his side when he started grad school in the fall.

James Matheson was going to make something of himself and that this was his passion in life; to teach and to be outdoors. She had ultimately given into his persistence and was comforted by his promise to try and call or write every day. His girlfriend was leery of him going away for the summer, especially so far away. James had explained to her there wasn't anything that was going to stop that.

Camp Orion had been established in 1945 by a very famous philanthropist and lover of children who had had none of his own in his sad and lonely life. He decided to give back to the world that had been so kind to him by starting this camp for gifted children and gave them an opportunity to learn, outside of the classroom, about nature and the wilderness. The camp started out from a meager beginning with only two cabins, one for the counselors and one for the children. Meals were prepared fireside and most times included wildlife trapped or hunted during the day. As the years passed, the camp grew and more buildings and more modern amenities were added. The first outhouse changed from a hole in the ground to a facility with running water for showers and flushing toilets. A well had been drilled and several large pumps supplied water to all of the education buildings and to the mess hall. After decades of educating kids about nature and conservation, Camp Orion became well known nationwide and made an impression on any high student's resume that was interested in attending some of the more elite universities across the country.

James had always been a true lover of the outdoors; his father was an avid hunter and fisherman so James was raised in the outdoors. He and his father would camp out under the stars, spend weekends hiking the wilderness around their home and always seeking new adventures that involved being in nature. The opportunity to teach in such a setting had appealed greatly to James and his father was so proud of him when James told him of his summer internship with Camp Orion.

"I knew that camp had a special place in your heart Jimmy, you are going to do great things" his father had said.

James had attended camp at Orion, on the shores of the Black River overlooking the great western plains. He had been accepted, back then, as an excelled student to attend their summer course on archeology. James' secret desire to be a great collector of dinosaur bones had not flourished as expected that summer, but his love for teaching was born.

James had experienced a true bond of friendship with one of his counselors that summer and from that point forward James knew he wanted to be an educator. With his father's blessing and the knowledge that his mother would have also been very proud of him, James packed his bags and headed to summer camp again. It seemed ridiculous to some of his friends that were headed off to grad school as well, that he was going to spend the summer with a bunch a snot-nosed kids in cabins, but James was not fazed. He loved the idea of being able to use what he had learned student teaching and in his college courses in an outdoor setting. To educate about nature and to show kids what this world was around them. It was more than James could ever dream of. It also helped that having been accepted to teach at such a prestigious location didn't hurt his resume either.

Upon arriving at the camp around three thirty in the afternoon, James was exhausted. After driving the sixteen hundred miles over two days, James was tired and his body felt spent but his excitement kept him going.

He reported to the front office and was told to report to the counselor's cabin at four o'clock. This meant that James had some time to unwind and explore what was going to be his residence for the next fourteen weeks. The place had changed but not drastically. The older cabins had been given some needed updating and newer cabins and classrooms had been built to keep the camp modern. Computer learning labs had been established and of course there was access to the internet via satellite, for world-wide e-learning. James was impressed with the updates but also liked to see that the bathrooms were still separate from the cabins and that the kids still helped prepare meals and clean-up afterwards. They had kept the true spirit of summer camp alive, just enhanced the learning experience through technology.

James wandered the camp area, greeting other members of the staff and introducing himself to some of the other new counselors that had started arriving. James made his way down the river and explored the shoreline, and skimmed some rocks in the afternoon sun.

It was a good two weeks before any of the students would start arriving so the boating area was quiet and the pier was virtually empty except for one girl that was sitting out at the end of the floating dock with her legs dangling in the cool water. James could see her profile from the shoreline and liked what he saw. The girl had beautiful brown hair cut shoulder length and she was wearing a cotton tank top with spaghetti straps and form fitting khaki shorts that allowed her legs extended access to the light of day. She was hunched forward looking into the water as James approached from behind her down the long length of the pier.

The floating dock was attached to the pier via a ramp and as James descended down the ramp, his footsteps startled the girl and she quickly turned to face him. James' stride stopped halfway down the ramp as his eyes met hers and he was frozen by her gaze. She was beautiful. Her long, tan legs were stretched out in front of her and she leaned back resting her arms on the warm wood of the decking. James felt her eyes upon him and felt as though he was naked standing in front of her. She seemed to gaze through him and he couldn't help but feel that he was exposed in some way.

"I didn't hear you coming down the pier. You should announce yourself or something" She paused, still intently gazing at him.

"You could give a girl a heart attack you know" she said quickly as a smile crested her lips.

James noticed her lips and her eyes; he was stunned by her simple beauty. Not supermodel, air-brushed beauty but a pure, natural beauty that radiated from her. As she turned and stood up to face the young man standing above, her tank top betrayed her and the fabric of her shirt drooped slightly forward exposing the tops of her firm breasts. James noticed that she was not wearing a bra and quickly tried to avert his eyes. He was not aware, at that moment, that she had noticed him looking, so he tried to play it off and act cool.

"I'm sorry, I did not mean to startle you" he said trying to focus on her eyes and not her body.

"That's okay, this place is so peaceful and quiet. You kinda lose yourself in it"

"So, you have a name or should I just call you sneaky boy?" she asked as that devilish smile came across her face again.

James' tongue suddenly felt like it was one thousand pounds and his ability to speak were forever lost as his leaden tongue just sat at the bottom of his mouth. She smiled sweetly at him, waiting for his response.

James finally stammered a response, "James, my name is James Matheson. I am one of the summer teachers this summer" he could not believe he had just said that.

He tried to recover.

"Of this summer, it wouldn't be next summer would it?" he joked.

She just looked at him and shook her head.

"And may I ask who you are?" he questioned when she offered no response to his bad attempt at a joke.

"You may" she stated, leaving James to ask again her name.

"But, sorry. Mommy and Daddy told me never to speak to strangers that sneak up on you while you are alone and vulnerable."

Her smile was a weapon she was well-trained to use and James felt wounded.

"I must be going Jimmy or shall I say, sneaky boy."

With that she climbed the ramp past James, and walked back down the pier. James turned and watched her go, paralyzed by her presence and entranced by her stride; the way her hips swayed and the way her body moved in a fluid motion. James found himself smiling queerly to himself and watching the girl leave until she was out of sight under the trees that lined the shore. James thought to himself that he was going to have to get to know that girl this summer, no matter what it took. James tried to clear his thoughts by scanning the far shoreline and watching the slow tide of the river glide by. But his eyes returned to the spot where she had been sitting, her wet footprints on the wood and instantly felt his heart race again.

He checked his watch and realized it was five of four and he was supposed to be at the counselor's cabin at four o'clock. James trotted back down the pier and up the hill towards the main cabin area of the camp. His thoughts were of the girl on the dock, and the summer that was ahead of him.

James entered the counselor's cabin by way of a old, squeaky screen door and was greeted by his long time friend Brian Rogers. Brian had been the counselor, ten years ago, that had taken a shine to young James and helped him through his summer at Orion. James was excited to see Brian, but his thoughts were distracted by the girl from the river, she was amazingly beautiful and James could not get her out of his head.

"James, you look tired my friend. Long drive?" Brian asked giving James a big, friendly hug.

Brian was six foot four and easily outweighed James by at least fifty pounds. James was no small-fry at six foot, two-fifty. As Brian enveloped James in one of his famous bear hugs, James tried to return the big man's squeeze, feeling his chest constrict and the air from his lungs escape.

"How the hell are ya James? You look good, how long has it been? Nine or ten years, right?" the big man chuckled as he stepped back to eye James up.

"Ten years Brian, ten long years" James said putting the emphasis on long and reaching out to pat the man's belly. "And it looks like Cecilia still knows how to cook a meal, huh?" James joked.

"Yup" the big man said rubbing his oversized belly that fit the rest of his large frame, "she sure can make a mean pancake breakfast."

With this his eyes started to gleam with happiness and he leaned into James so only he could hear, "I've missed you James, it's good to see you."

James winked at Brian and stepped into the room joining the others that had gathered there. James was pleasantly surprised to see that there were only nine or ten people seated or standing around the cabin. Each was either quietly sitting or making small talk with a neighbor. James immediately spotted the girl from the pier and his heart jumped. His gaze met hers and she smiled coyly, and in that moment James remembered that he hadn't called Sheila when he had arrived and she was going to be worried sick.

James walked into the room and found a chair in the corner next to the stone fireplace at the far end of the room. Brian again entered the room from the hallway not long after James and started making introductions. James' mind was a buzz with thoughts, and he was pretty sure he missed most of the people's names as they went around the room and introduced themselves. But he caught her name; the girl from the pier, her name was Karen.

****

"...and that was Garth Brooks singing _The Dance_. That song was one of Garth's first major hits and remains today, his signature song. We will be right back to the shining stars of country featuring Garth Brooks on WXTX 94.5, Today's Country..." the DJ's voice startled James as he was brought back from his memories.

The rain had not slowed and it continued to beat down on his car, rocking it with a violent rhythm. James disengaged the windshield wipers, he was sure he couldn't drive right now, and in this weather he had no desire to venture out onto the streets. He reclined his seat some and put his head against the headrest.

His tears had calmed some and his eyes hurt; they felt gritty and dry despite all of his tears. James closed his eyes in an attempt to soothe them and hoping he could close out the world for just one moment. He wanted to talk to Leah and he wanted to go home. Leah was always so comforting to be around and she loved James with a strength that even surprised him sometimes. Just being with her made him feel like more of a man; her presence in his life, James had come to realize, filled that void Karen had left behind in his heart. That feeling that there was something missing; something he would never have again. His mind got the best of James again; he was taken back to that summer when he first met Karen, the summer his life changed forever.

****

James spent the first couple days at Camp Orion settling in and participating in the various orientation sessions established for the whole staff and specifically for the teachers as well. James kept close tabs on Karen; she was one of three camp counselors hired for the summer. It was their job to handle the kids that had disciplinary problems or that were just plain old home-sick. She and James had several meetings and activities together but rarely got to speak to one another.

They were both very busy, early on, making plans for the summer and learning what their job functions were going to be. James made it a point to walk past her office area just to catch a glimpse of her. He would purposefully find reasons to go to the counselor's cabin as often as possible. He couldn't take his eyes off of her when they were in the same room. James would spend entire meals at the mess hall staring off in her direction and shying away from her glances when she took notice of him looking. Karen's aura perplexed him. He could not help himself; he had to be near her and he didn't understand why. His heart cried out to him to be closer to her but his head always kept him grounded and made him stay always at a distance.

Days passed for the both of them and at that time James was completely unaware that she was just as enamored with him. He tried his hardest to focus on the summer ahead of him and he failed miserably at trying to not think about her.

James spent many late nights working with his co-teacher, Tim Greesley, on their lesson plans for the summer. Tim was an energetic, fun-loving guy, who no matter what, found the good in any situation.

"Life's a party James, you just have to know who invited you and where the drinks are" he would say laughing.

Tim's laugh lit up the room, he was always the life of any gathering, and would be for many years after. That is, until he was killed by a drunk driver coming home from la maz class with his wife. Tim was killed upon impact, but his wife survived and gave birth, two weeks early, to their only child; a son she named Timothy.

Tim and James were inseparable that summer at Orion. They cabined together, taught together and ate almost every meal together. James could not have asked for a better co-teacher or friend to have during his time at camp.

Tim had introduced himself to James that first day in the counselor's cabin, "my name's Tim, Tim Greesley, but you can call me Griz, all my friends do."

They had hit it off instantly, James was a lover of the outdoors and so was Tim; he was an amateur fly fisherman and loved to fresh-water fish any chance he could. There were many late afternoons spent down by the river, James and Tim laughing, rarely catching a single fish.

There were a couple other guys at the camp that the two of them hung out with and they became a close group of friends. Two guys in particular had become close with Tim and James during that summer. Scott Trummond was a small, feisty boy with a quick temper and a perverted streak a mile long. His vocabulary consisted of mostly curse words and obscenities that could make you blush. James was always found himself surprised by the camp's choice of Scott as a camp counselor, but he proved to be an exceptional teacher and always kept his tongue when he was around the kids. The other member of their group of friends was Dave Yocum, a tall, slender boy with dark eyes and a piercing smile. Dave was quiet and reserved most of the time, but was very aware of the power he held over the girls. They seemed to flock to him; he attracted them as a flame draws moths. Dave was not overly arrogant about his looks and always carried himself humbly. Dave broke many hearts that summer, of that James was positive. He liked the ladies and it just made it easier that they wanted him.

The four of them had a lot of good times during that summer. There were the late night card games and the early morning "panty raids" of the female teacher's cabins. Tradition was to deliver the stolen goods back to the girls at the breakfast table before the day's activities. It goes on record that they were never caught during one of their many raids, but James was sure that Brian knew it was them and let them have their fun. It was during one of the famous raids that James got his first inclination that Karen may have had an interest in him as well.

The four guys had planned to raid the counselor's cabin early one morning, the plan was seamless. They had their entry and exit planned without glitch. It was unknown to them at the time, but Scott had revealed their plan to one of the other girls at camp and she had divulged the plan to the planned targets. Tim was increasingly excited about this raid because one of the girls staying in the cabin was a beautiful, young girl he had taken quite a liking to. This was in true Tim fashion as a way to make an impression on her. This entire plot was about to blow up in their faces but they had no idea at that time. Tim and James were chosen as the entry men, Scott and Dave acted as look-outs. Tim climbed in one of the back windows first; it opened up into one of the back rooms of the multi-room cabin. The plan was to enter their living quarters, steal the goods and be gone as quick as they entered. James followed through the window and as he stood up, he and Tim were greeted by the sudden flash of overhead lights and a barrage of water balloons and water pistols. The four girls that shared the cabin had prepared for them; it was a counter attack that rivaled any great war in history. Tim and James laughed as they exited from the window they had just climbed through. Each of the girls screamed with glee as they continued their attack upon the two intruders. Tim was through the window first and was off running with Scott and Dave in tow. James caught his foot on the sill and tumbled out of the first floor window unto the grass below. As he got to his feet again, Karen appeared at the window, her slender body silhouetted by the light from behind her.

"Well, sneaky boy. That should teach you to mess with this group of girls" she stated.

"The war isn't over, it has just begun" he said slyly as he turned to walk away.

"Do you promise?" she replied with a quick smile and a wink.

James' heart jumped at that moment.

He had no response to her quick retort; his attention was distracted from her gaze only when a water balloon flew from the window and landed near his feet. Karen smiled again and turned back towards the room of excited and giggling girls within.

James turned to run back to his cabin before the commotion aroused too many people. That moment under her window, made James realize that there was nothing he could do about the way he felt for her. He could do nothing for the way she made his heart feel.

****

James sat alone in his car. The rain pelted the roof and drummed off the metal. His head hurt, not just from his own sorrow but from deep with in. The pain thrummed and pulsed through his skull. It was as if the memories were too much for his mind to handle. He rubbed his eyes and tried to calm himself by breathing deeply as he listened to the soft music coming from the car radio. The pounding of the rain threatened to drown out the music, but James could still hear the message being conveyed in the words of the song. " _and if he'd only grant me this wish I'd wished back, I'd never ask for anything again..._ "

The song continued as James thought for a moment about how his life would have been changed if he had just said and done things differently back then; if he had just listened to his heart and followed his feelings.

James thought about Leah as he watched the rain stream down the wind shield. He thought about how she made him feel complete. She was a strong and constant presence in his life; a crutch he could lean on. James also thought about how his wife had always loved him for all of his faults. She had made him a better man for becoming his wife and he knew she was the one being hurt the most from all of this.

The rain seemed ceaseless as it pelted the ground, and the wind buffeted the car from every angle. James closed his eyes again and remembered.

****

It was Tim that caught on early that James had become some what infatuated with Karen. Scott and Dave seemed completely oblivious to the situation. Each of them was in hot pursuit of one or more of the other girls in the camp. If either of them had any inclination that there was something more between James and Karen it was never discussed; a silent, unspoken topic between the guys. Tim was the only one that was brazen enough to mention the topic to James. He would constantly remind James of Sheila and always ask, almost comically, how she was doing or when he had talked to her last. James would shrug him off, he would always explain that he was just intrigued by her and wanted to get to know her better.

James would call Sheila almost everyday, and he would e-mail her when he had a moment or two to type. She would always tell him she missed him terribly and he would always express the same feelings back to her. He did love Sheila; very much in fact. She had been there for him when his mother passed away. That had been the hardest time of his young life, and she was right there to support him and bring him through the grief.

James' mother was forty-four years old when she died; she lost her ten year battle with breast cancer two months before he graduated from high school. James was crushed. His mother and father had always been beacons of light in his life and their love for each other showed James what he wanted out of a relationship. James' father had tried to prepare him for the day that his mother would finally succumb to that horrible disease, but young James was still quite unprepared for the loss.

It had been such an important part of his life; he had been accepted to the university, he was going to graduate with honors, and was looking at several very prestigious scholarships. James' father tried the best he could to cope with the loss of his wife and deal with his son's sorrow as well. James could remember his father crying late at night; he remembered listening to him talk to his wife as though she was still there with him. He would ask what he was supposed to do, ask her how they were supposed go on without her.

If it hadn't been for Sheila in James' life, he was sure that the outcome would not have been the same. Sheila was his rock during that time. James had his faith and his relationship with God, but he was not down on earth dealing with the pain, Sheila was. She was real, tangible and always there for James. She lived two towns over from James but made a point to drive to his house and be with him anytime he needed her. She was there to comfort him, love him and to take his mind away from the pain. Their physical love was a distraction any young man needed to take his mind away from the agony it so often dealt with at that time in his life.

Sheila was young, sexy and very caring of James' needs, they often spent late nights on a blanket under the stars exploring each others bodies and giving each to the other wholly, with no inhibitions. James was sure, from those days spent with Sheila and the long summer nights after high school, that he would ask that girl to marry him and make her the happiest woman he could. She deserved the best he could give her and he was willing to stand by her through anything.

They had remained together all through their college years; Sheila had gone to a local community college for her associate's degree and James, of course, had attended the university. College life was not the easiest for James; for one he had lost his mother and was struggling with that constant grief but also that he was committed to a relationship in a sea of single, willing girls. James had done his best to be faithful to Sheila throughout his college years and other than a few late-night drunken make-out sessions, he did okay. He never mentioned these indiscretions to Sheila; it would have ruined what they had.

Their relationship was built on trust and honesty. James learned over the years that what Sheila didn't know and couldn't worry about, wouldn't hurt her or their relationship. Those girls never meant anything to him; he was just sowing his oats. He was a young, attractive man surrounded by girls that, if he played his cards right, would end up in his bed after a night of partying or even late-night studying. James was sure that Sheila was always faithful to him, and that aspect of their relationship always weighed on his conscience. He had strayed, he had betrayed her trust, but she would never have done the same to him. That fact is one that is very hard for a man to live with, and as the years passed became a common thread in James' life.

James was still sure he was going to marry Sheila when he left for Camp Orion that day late in May. They had kissed and held onto each other for a long time before he finally pulled out of her drive and headed south towards the turnpike. James loved that girl with all of his heart, or so he thought at the time he did. He was positive that there could be no one else in his life that could love him and care for him the way Sheila did. She was a great girl and he knew that very well. She loved him with all of her being and that is why he would always stand by her and be the man that she needed him to be. This summer apart was just going to be another test of their commitment to each other. Once back in Pennsylvania, James was going to get down on his knee and ask Sheila to be his bride. He was not going away for grad school; he had been accepted to attend the master's program at Penn State and planned to stay right where they were. He and Sheila could move in together and start the rest of their lives together.

James explained, once again, to Tim one night while going over a day hike that they had planned to take their class on, that he was head over heels in love with Sheila and that Karen was just a curiosity. She was an enigma that perplexed him. Her presence had the ability to send James' mind spinning, just being around her made him light headed and a little queasy. It was that feeling, that power she possessed over him that made James seek her out. He wanted to know everything about her; he wanted to figure out what it was about her that he couldn't stop thinking about.

Tim would laugh at him; openly laugh at the way James tried to rationalize his thoughts and feelings.

"You got a thing for her senor, you like that little girl" he would say with a sad and pathetic Mexican accent which James always thought sounded like a cross between Speedy Gonzales and that little taco dog. It came out sounding more like " _leetle gurrl_ " and never ceased to make James chuckle every time he heard it

James was adamant, but Tim never quit on him, even after the long summer days passed on, Tim still brought up Sheila and always asked James how she was doing, if she had plans to come visit him at camp or when he was going to get to meet her. Tim did eventually get to meet Sheila, many times; he had been James' best man at their wedding. The friendship they forged on the dusty plains of the Midwest remained stronger than either of them could have imagined. They had continued their friendship up until the day Tim was killed. James still kept in touch with Tim's wife and always sent his "nephew" presents for Christmas and his birthday.

It was towards the end of the third week at camp that James finally had an opportunity to talk to Karen. Really talk to her, and that was the night everything changed for James. It was at dinner one night; Tim was still constantly vying for the attention of the young lady who had caught his eye. Her name was Renee, and she happens to now be the same woman who lost her husband to a drunk driver several years ago and gave premature birth to their son Timothy.

Renee was a spit-fire back then; loud and opinionated to say the least and Tim loved that about her. If Renee didn't agree with something, she was going to let it be known. There wasn't a senior staff member at camp that summer that didn't have words with Renee, she even went toe-to-toe with "Brian the Bear" one day.

James was sure he was witnessing the first time ever that a person had the guts to tell Brian no, other than his wife Cecelia. His wife put the big man in his place and he loved her for it. Cecelia was the head chef/kitchen master for the camp. They had both met at camp when they attended many years ago and went back to work for the camp after both had finished college; and the romance has been there ever since. Brian is a formidable man, and he has the temper of a badger with a toothache.

Renee stood up to him and told him she disagreed with the way he was handling one of the boys at camp and his eyes about popped out of his skull. You could have measured the man's blood pressure just by the color of his skin, and also judging by the way his veins stood out on his neck, his pressure was sky-rocketing. Renee didn't back down and after some calm talking from the other teachers in the room; Brian saw his error and apologized to Renee. She knew she was right, but was good enough to accept his apology and not gloat in his face about the stand-off. James could see the passion that Renee had, and could also see why Tim was head over heels for her. Tim tried his hardest to get her to notice him, and in her own style Renee strung him out and kept him guessing. Tim talked constantly about her, and how they had snuck down to the pier one night early on and she let him hold her hand. He followed her around like a man with nothing else to do. James was relieved in a way, because it took the heat off of him and his secret desire to be closer to Karen.

That night for dinner, Tim had invited James to come and sit with him and Renee. The senior staff was planning a late-night hike for the teachers and counselors that evening and Tim wanted James to tag along to keep it casual between him and Renee. Tim was full of wise-cracks and smart ass comments, but when it came to the ladies; he was all out of lines. James had initially declined the offer to join them at dinner, he was going to get something quick and head back to the cabin and call Sheila, maybe read some of his new Stephen King book he had packed for the summer. In true King fashion, the novel was a thick one with a plot scary enough to make you want to read with a friend in the room. James had quickly changed his mind when he had learned from his wiry and very cunning friend that Karen would also be joining them for dinner and the hike. James had called Sheila before dinner and explained to her that he would be out late, which was much later for her due to the time zone change, and that he wouldn't be calling her after dinner. He really missed that girl, the way she was able to read his thoughts and know exactly what he needed at any given time, even if she was a thousand miles away.

James left his cabin and walked across the main camp area to the dining hall. The room itself was a large, enclosed pavilion with a vaulted ceiling and over-sized windows on the two long sides of the building. The kitchen was located at one end of the room and at the other end of the room was a gigantic stone fireplace and hearth. James had experienced many ghost stories around that fireplace and was sure that over the course of this summer he would hear some of the same stories again. James had always liked this building and could remember when he attended camp that the dining hall had always been one of his favorite places to be. It had a feeling of togetherness, it brought all of the staff and campers together for meals, and it seemed like at any given point in the day there would be people gathered here. James entered the room and Tim immediately whistled for him. This was Tim's way of getting James' attention and embarrassing the hell out of him at the same time. Tim had that unwavering ability, to make James feel slightly uncomfortable but never ashamed. Tim challenged James' bashful side; he made James open up and come out of his self-created shell.

James waved to Tim and headed over to the table. He noticed that Tim was sitting next to Renee on the far side of the table and that Karen was sitting with her back to him. The space next to her was open. James shot Tim a glance as if to say _you slick, sneaky bastard, I'll get you for this_. The look was caught by both Tim and Renee; they returned the same sleek smile to James. He knew instantly that he had been betrayed by his good friend and Renee was in on the whole thing too. As he approached the table to sit down, Karen turned to greet him. James' heart stopped beating in his chest, he was sure of it. His breath caught in his throat and he instantly lost all the saliva in his mouth. The well had run dry and his mouth felt drier than the Sahara desert. She was radiant.

Most evenings, the staff was not required to wear their camp issued uniform; which was a comfortable camp tee shirt and khaki shorts. Tonight Karen was wearing another tank top like the one she was wearing the day James first met her and of course she had on a pair of shorts that could make any man tremble at the sight. Her shorts were not too short, and just tight enough to enhance her natural curves. James couldn't imagine another ass ever looking as good as hers. Karen smiled at James; not any smile, the type of smile that had the ability to stop traffic during rush hour. She had the kind of smile that when used in the proper context could bring a grown man to his knees. She smiled at James, and that was it. The deal was settled, case closed; James knew this girl was more than an infatuation; this was more than a crush. James realized at that moment, he was never going to be the same again. His feelings and commitment to Sheila were about to be tested to the extreme and he was not sure that he minded. Karen had such a presence about her; the ability to make James feel like the most important person in the room. James' heart fluttered and restarted as she smiled at him coyly.

"Hello sneaky boy," she said "are you going to join us or just stand there gathering wool?"

James noticed, with the busy dining hall around him, nothing else in the room but her. She was the most beautiful thing he had ever laid eyes on. His heart yearned for her and he knew nothing about her. His soul ached to be near her, and he barely knew her last name. In that instant James' life was forever changed.

He recovered nicely, making his apologies for his tardiness to the dinner table and made small talk throughout the meal with very little effort. His thoughts were racing the entire time; he could not get his mind off the girl who was sitting right next to him. James could see that Tim and Renee were really starting to hit it off, and he began to feel a pang of jealousy. He knew they could be with each other if they so chose, but he was miles from the one that he was committed to. He was also very aware of the girl sitting next to him, and extremely sensitive to the way she made him feel with just a glance or quick smile. She smelled terrific, James couldn't get enough of her perfume; a scent that to this day haunts him when he smells it. Her skin had started to tan after being exposed to the strong summer sun and her hair had natural highlights that looked like waves of honey woven into her auburn hair. James couldn't find a flaw; he couldn't seem to find anything wrong with her. She was witty, strong, sensitive and intelligent. She had the ability to hold your attention, like you needed to know what she was going to say. The words that she was speaking were the only words James wanted to hear. He was sure he was losing his mind; he had officially gone off the deep end. There was no other answer to all of this. James was going insane, he was positive. He tried his best to sound intelligent when he talked to her and he always did his best not to stare at her when she spoke. He couldn't help but keep his eyes locked on hers; never to wanting break that contact.

It was towards the end of the meal that he got his first sign from her that she must have been feeling something too. Tim had made mention of the wildlife, in and around the camp, and how these two young ladies were lucky to have such strapping men to accompany them on this hike.

"Oh, do you think so? You big strong man, are you going to protect me?" Renee joked as they got up from the table.

Karen leaned close to James' ear and whispered ever so softly, "it might not be the wildlife _you_ should worry about."

With that she stood up and walked from the table to the exit, in the opposite direction of Tim and Renee. James hopped up from the table, dropped his tray on the counter and headed after her. His curiosity was peaked and thoughts raced through his head. As he entered out into the darkening evening, he saw her round the corner by the back of the building. Usually lit by the glow of a sodium vapor light that came on by timer, the back part of the dining hall was still hidden in the shadows of the lingering sunset. James wondered what she was up to and followed her to where she had disappeared behind the huge building.

As he turned the corner he came face to face with the beautiful girl. She was leaning up against the back wall and seemed to have known he would follow. James stammered a quick response, "I didn't know where we were meeting? I didn't want to... to miss out on the hike."

He quickly realized she was looking at him as if she could see through him; it was as though she could read his thoughts and emotions.

"Are you going to kiss me sneaky boy, or am I going to have to take it from you?" she asked point blank.

James felt his eyes go wide and his heart skip yet another beat. She quickly turned away at his inaction and left him standing there in his shoes.

"Very well sneaky boy, have it your way" she said as she walked back around the other side of the building.

Standing stone still in the quickening dusk, James was startled when the back door of the kitchen opened and Cecelia came bursting out with a large bag of garbage in each hand, headed for the dumpster.

"Oh, James! You scared me something fierce! What in the world are you doing back here?" she asked with an odd smile on her face.

James noticed a toad hop out from its hiding place to snatch a bug that had been drawn to the glow of the now illuminating light overhead.

"I was looking for toads Cecelia" pointing towards the toad, "I am an avid toad collector, didn't you know?"

He grabbed the bags from her hands and made his way over to the trash containers.

"James, you are a fine boy, a fine, weird boy" she quipped and headed back into the kitchen.

There were dishes to be cleaned and meals to be planned for the next day; Cecelia's job was never done.

"I know I am, but that is why you love me" he shouted to her as the door closed.

"Indeed" she stated and pulled the door shut.

James was left standing in the harsh beams of the light; its slow buzz filled the air as it slowly gained intensity and brightened _. That is why you love me_ he thought to himself, _that is why you love me_.

James made a decision at that moment standing under the light behind the dining hall. He was going to do whatever came naturally; he was going to follow his heart. James felt something inside of him give way; somewhere deep in his heart an emotion stirred that he was sure he had never felt before. Karen had succeeded in getting inside of James; inside of his heart and mind. He could feel her settling there and it comforted him even though he knew it should not.

James thought of Sheila as he walked back to the front of the dining hall where a group of the counselors had gathered before the hike. He could not help but think that no matter what happened between he and Karen, Sheila was always the one he was meant to be with. He could not have been farther from the truth, but it would be years later, and way too late when he finally realized that.

****

"... _and I'm shameless. Shameless as a man can be, you could make a fool of me, I just wanted you to know_..."

The words echoed through his skull, jarring his thoughts back to the present day. James opened his eyes and noticed that the rain had subsided some. The large, fat drops had returned to a more normal size. Still soaking the ground and making an umbrella a necessity for the average pedestrian. James fumbled in his jacket pocket for his phone. He dialed Leah's number and held the phone up to his ear. He counted the rings as they sounded and he waited to hear her familiar voice; a voice that comforted him and made him feel safe. Leah had given all of herself to James; she was truly in love with him. He wished he could be more of the man she needed and these days that was even harder to do. Karen had come back into his life after nine years and James realized once again that he was completely powerless when it came to her. When she first contacted him he realized that there had been something missing in his life. Something he had spent years trying to find, trying to replace. There was a void in his heart, an emptiness left unfilled. James now knew that this void was Karen. The hole in his heart could only be filled by the one woman in his life that had made him feel a love unparalleled. She made him feel a true passion for another person with such an uncontrollable power that it hurt to be without it. Karen was James' soul mate, the perfect match to his heart.

The sound of Leah's voice settled James' mind some. She had a sweet demeanor, with seemingly not a mean bone in her sexy, little body.

"Leave a message after the tone, and I will get back to you as soon as I can" she stated simply and the then the beep.

James thought for a minute about what to say, he didn't exactly have the words.

"It's me" he stated "the funeral is over and I am headed home. Can we talk? I'll be there soon, call me."

James needed to talk to Leah, and he needed her to know how he really felt, she deserved that much. He closed his eyes again and rubbed his temples. He could feel the headache growing behind his eyes, there was a dull pain surging slowly from deep in his skull.

The music on the radio had changed; Garth was lamenting on his memories of a love from the past, "... _she's here and she's real, but you were too, and every once in a while I think about you_..." James' thoughts drifted once again, unable to stop replaying the memories of her and the love they would never share again.

****

For days after that night behind the dining hall James was in a daze. He didn't know if he was coming or going sometimes. Tim would catch him completely drifting off into his thoughts and have to bring him back in.

"Come back to me James... James, are you in there?" he would say swatting him in the shoulder.

"You, my friend, have got to get over this thing you have going on" Tim said, "We have things we have to do today that are more important."

James couldn't think of a single thing more important than getting the chance to be near Karen again.

They had walked together through the entire hike that night under the stars. She had acted like nothing happened behind the dining hall, just moments earlier, and he was too stunned to have said anything to her about it. Tim and Renee had held hands and even stole a kiss at one point. Their trail guide for the hike told them of a legend long told by the Native Americans that lived on this land hundreds of years ago. The guide explained that most of the land around the camp was considered sacred, and was still cherished to this day by the local tribes. They came to a rock formation in the middle of a vast open field that stood alone, surrounded by coarse grass and sage bushes. The rock structure was formed by two gigantic boulders jutting up from the earth and collapsing upon each other creating a small area underneath of them. This had become known as Lover's Notch; named for the two Indian lovers who never stopped believing in their love for each other.

"The story tells of two young Indians that had fallen in love with each other. She was already betrothed to another brave and he was to be chief and take a wife of equal stature. Forbidden to seek out their feelings for each other, the young lovers were forced to hide their love. They refused to give up on their love and kept it hidden from the tribe. They would meet under these very rocks, out of sight and hold each other tightly, not wanting to let go of each other, not knowing when they may get that opportunity again. The boy grew to become chief and she was forced to marry another, but their love remained always. During a battle with another tribe, he and her husband were killed. It is said that everyday from that day forward, the widowed and heartbroken Indian woman would come to these rocks and cry for her lost love. She lived to be a very old lady and legend even has it that she died here under the shelter of the massive stones."

After hearing that story, Tim made his move, kissing Renee softly under the stars. He hadn't stopped talking about it, and it had been three days ago. James had so wanted to take Karen in his arms and kiss her deeply and passionately, but it would not have been right. He had a girlfriend and he didn't want to jeopardize that for some girl he barely knew. He could not deny the way she made him feel, but Sheila meant more to him than he could understand at that moment. Karen had remained quiet during the rest of the hike and kept her distance. Her behavior worried James, he wasn't sure what she was feeling and that made him even more confused about what had happened behind the dining hall earlier that evening.

Tim and Renee had really started to fall for each other, they were spending most of their free time together and that left James plenty of down time to spend by himself and his thoughts. He would walk down to the water's edge or hike the trails always thinking, always pondering. It was only two more days before the kids were going to arrive and James wanted to make the best of the quiet time before he was a full time camp teacher for the rest of the summer. James was out on the floating dock one evening when Karen appeared on the ramp above him, just as he had done to her not two weeks ago. She looked down on him with a concerned look.

"Where have you been hiding sneaky boy? Did I scare you off?" she asked with a smile.

James melted right there, he lost all sense of reality and was completely under her spell.

"I've been doing some thinking, spending time alone" he replied.

She descended the ramp and seated herself next to James. She sat closer than you would sit next to a friend. James felt his heart race and his palms starting to sweat. He knew what he wanted to do, he knew how he felt but something wasn't right. The feelings he had for her made his heart soar, but his mind kept betraying him. The thought of once again dishonoring Sheila's trust made James sick. Only now he was faced with the ultimate decision, he had never felt this in his heart before and this girl next to him was the one that was doing it.

She turned to him and simply asked, "Do you want to kiss me as bad as I want you to kiss me?"

James uttered the only words that he could think of at the moment, "Yes, yes I do."

Without thinking, he leaned forward and kissed her gently.

Pure electricity coursed through their lips and locked them together. She kissed him with a hunger James had never experienced. He returned her kiss with more passion; warmth filled him from within and he could feel himself start to harden under his shorts. Her hands started to explore his body. He was unsure of himself, as if he had never done any of this before. His hands caressed her back and teased ever so slightly forward, touching the sides of her breasts. They kissed heavily and without hesitation. She took hold of his hands and placed them over her breasts. James was fully erect now and her hand probed his crotch area, massaging his stiffened member. James squeezed her soft breasts, feeling her nipples harden under his touch; she moaned passionately. He could feel her body release itself to him. His hands grasped her tighter and he traced his hands, once again, up and down her back. He moved his hands up under her shirt and felt the warmth of her skin against his. She forced her body closer to his and kissed him even deeper, allowing her tongue to escape her mouth and probe into his.

James was overwhelmed with emotion; his mind was moving eighty miles a minute, sending thoughts crashing through his skull. He suddenly pulled from her and looked her in the eyes. She had a look of disappointment, but he could also see a slight shade of shame in her face.

"I'm sorry. This just isn't right. I have a girlfriend and I love her very much" he stated simply.

He was out of breath and his heart was beating double-time in his chest.

"James, I know. But what feels right? Do you want to be with me? Because I want this, no questions asked." Her voice wavered some at the end and she looked just as confused and scared as he did.

What is going on here? What is this I am feeling? I am so confused...

The questions just kept coming to mind as he looked deep into her eyes. She shook her head and looked away from him, out across the dark water.

"I don't know James, I just don't know, but ever since I first saw you, there was something about you I wanted to be near."

He was moved by her confession and shocked to know that she was feeling the same things he was.

"Karen," he said gently "I do not want this to get complicated. I have a girlfriend back home that loves me very much and I love her too. I don't want to hurt her or you."

Karen turned her face back to his and the look in her eyes said more than any words could ever have. She moved closer to him and rested her head on his broad shoulder.

"Jimmy, I just want to be with you. I want to know everything about you and I don't know why."

James put his arm around her and held her close to him. That moment on the dock turned the tables for James. His heart would never again be settled and content with whom he chose to share his love.

****

James put the car in gear and drove away from the gravesite. For a brief moment he didn't want to leave. His driving away gave finality to a part of his life that he hadn't wanted to end. His heart would still ache for her and his soul would still yearn for her company, but he knew that would never happen again. Karen was gone. For a brief time in his life, he and Karen had shared a love like no other; an unspoken love that until just recently remained buried deep inside of James, scratching and gnawing.

James had moved on from that summer spent on the Black River. He had taken his life in the direction he thought it needed to go. Not knowing that the love that they had shared under those summer skies had made him the man he was today. Karen had been a silent presence in his life. The mark she had left on his heart was one that no amount of time would ever erase. Her love for him was strong and true, he knew that now. He also knew that he had always felt the same for her but couldn't face that truth.

Karen was dead now, killed by a stray bullet; an innocent bystander to a senseless crime. She would have been thirty-two years old this year. She had two young kids and a promising career ahead of her. She had recently gotten out of a marriage that, in her words, was what felt right at the time and seemed like the next logical step in her life.

Karen had confessed to James, just recently, that her ex-husband had found another girl during his medical residency. After the divorce, she had found out from friends, that there was a child involved; too old to have been conceived after their marriage broke up.

A radio commercial break ended and the radio DJ came back on; he introduced another one of Garth Brooks' hits and a song from the major motion picture, _Frequency_.

"This song put Garth in the movie business; the song is called _When you come Back to Me Again_..."

With sorrow engulfing his heart, threatening to smother him, James listened to the soft music and that powerful voice, "... _on a prayer, in a song. I hear your voice and it keeps me hanging on... 'til you come back to me again_..."

The words were meaningful and filled James with a consuming sense of loss and sadness. Those who we love and are lost to death never come back to us again. We have their memory, but it is never the same as having their physical being in your life. James thought of his mother and the pain that he still dealt with, having lost her at such a young age in his life. He fought back a wave of tears and kept his eyes locked on the road ahead of him. He drove to his destination not noticing the world around him. He was unaware, guided by instinct.

When James had learned of Karen's untimely death, he knew what he had to do. It seemed cruel to him that they had just recently reconnected and now it was all over. Decisions and mistakes had been made in his life and James knew where his journey was taking him. He knew the path forward that he had to take. His life had taken many turns over the years but along that long broken road Karen had always been with him. Now that she was gone from his life, lost forever, James needed more than anything to be true to himself and the ones that he loved in his life.

Karen was a permanent fixture in James' soul, never to be extracted, even by death. What they shared was deeper than any physical barrier could withhold. He truly and deeply loved Karen; she was his soul mate. It had taken losing her and finding her again to make him see that the love they shared was more powerful then he had ever imagined. He recalled the conversations they shared about life and their futures. He could still remember the day she came back into his life, not a month ago and flipped his world completely upside down. Karen had told James of her true feelings for him and in return he had shared his emotions with her. Both surprised by what each had been harboring for so long, and equally troubled by where they were going to go from there. Her death answered that question quickly.

James made a clear decision to tell the people that he loved how he felt about them, but also confess his love for another. First, he had to tell Leah how he really felt; he had to divulge his long, quiet love for another woman. James had to make Leah understand that what he shared with Karen was more than he had ever imagined it could have been. He had to make Leah see that she was important to him, but that they were not to be; for their relationship and what they shared was only filler for a love lost long ago. He had to let her go, let her find someone who could love her the way he never truly could.

****

It was two days after that evening on the dock with Karen that James' students for the summer arrived. He and Tim had been assigned a group of eleven to thirteen year olds, ten of them in all. The group consisted of six girls and five boys. Being a very prestigious camp that required a strict application process, the kids they had that summer were all eager to learn. Not as much could be said for some of the kids that Renee had in her class, it seemed every time you turned around another one of her students was headed to the counselor's cabin. James and Tim considered them selves very lucky to have such a great group of kids to teach for the summer under those endless blue, mid-west skies.

James and Tim spent their days teaching their students the lesson plans and activities that they had set up earlier. There were day hikes and night hikes; there were indoor classroom sessions and outdoor, hands-on lessons as well. One of James' favorite activities was the obstacle course. Updated from when he had been a camper, the course still offered the campers an opportunity to use there heads plus their muscles to work through a number of challenges. Most required teamwork, and the class was forced to work together to solve each of the obstacles. James and Tim ran their class through that course several times over the summer and they both agreed that it had become one of the best activities when classroom learning just wasn't working. James thoroughly enjoyed teaching the class as the summer moved forward and knew that he had chosen the right career path. He knew that being a teacher and influencing young minds was what he was destined to do.

There was another part of James' life that he was not so sure about. He still talked to Sheila on a daily basis, but he also found himself in Karen's arms just as frequently. Any chance they got, which ended up mostly being late at night, they would sneak off together. One of their favorite places was out on the dock watching the stars but it was a little too public. They ended up sneaking off behind buildings for a quick embrace or kiss. Lover's Notch had also become a good place to escape from the rest of the camp, and James could remember sitting there under that outcropping of rocks many a night, waiting for her to come to him. The passion that they shared between them was unspoken, neither of them needed to tell the other how they were feeling and rarely did. It just felt right. Being with Karen gave James a sense of inner peace that he had never experienced before. She just matched him. They talked about everything and nothing. It was not always physical between them, there were times at night when they would lay in each others arms and just talk about life. They would share their dreams and aspirations. James would talk about his hometown and where he grew up and Karen would tell him about growing up on a dairy farm in northeast Pennsylvania. It just fit, the two of them, they connected on so many levels. They shared a love of country music and a passion for the outdoors. James was impressed, when one evening walking the trails around the camp, that Karen was able to catch, let alone want to touch, a bull snake that had come out in the evening to hunt for prey. Unfazed by the snake's loud snorts and hisses, Karen snared the snake and calmly spoke to it as if they were long lost friends. She never ceased to amaze and surprise him.

They shared songs with one another. It had become a game that when one heard a song that made reminded them of the other, they would tell them and he or she would have to seek it out and listen to it. The messages they shared through the songs were their own secrets to each other. The one artist that they both had stumbled upon as being a favorite between them was Garth Brooks. His music had a message that was universal; Garth had a way of making you feel the music. James could find Karen in the songs he heard and it made him yearn for her more. His heart fell deeper for her as everyday passed, and the more time they spent together made him never want to let her go. He didn't realize then that he had never spoken of his true feelings for her; she never knew how deeply she had affected him.

Neither of them spoke of Sheila or of the possibility that there might have been someone at home waiting for Karen as well. It became the one thing they didn't speak of, they dreamed of a future together and where they saw themselves in ten years. James' heart became more and more confused as the days turned to weeks. James found himself in the company of the guys on the nights he and Karen could not be together. He also found that Renee and Karen had started hanging out with them as a large group some nights too. The atmosphere was always light and jovial. Tim and Renee had no qualms about showing how they felt about each other but James and Karen were forced to hide their feelings from the group. Scott and Dave were their typical selves, each trying to out do the other for the ladies. James had to conceal his jealousy whenever either of them turned their so-called charms on Karen. He couldn't get a firm feel for how she was always going to interact with them; he just held onto the quiet nights they shared and hoped that they meant as much to her as they did to him. These gatherings made James crazy with thoughts of commitment and of love. He had no one to turn to except the one person he knew he could count on to shoot straight with him. He decided to turn to Tim, hoping he would be someone he could talk to and not be judged. His relationship with Tim had become one he knew he could trust. He and Tim would talk long into the nights after each had returned from their specific evening duties. Sometimes those duties included sneaking out late with certain girls that had come into their lives. James confessed his feelings to Tim one late night and was surprised by his friend's response.

Tim said to him calmly and with a compassion rarely heard from him, "You have to do what you feel is right in your heart. If your feelings for Karen are true then you have to be honest with yourself and with Sheila. If she has affected you this deeply, that is going to be something that will never leave you."

James never knew that those words would ring so true for so many years after.

It was late one night on the pier with Karen that James had decided to really talk to her about his feelings and where she saw their relationship going. After several minutes of gentle kissing and caressing, James was surprised to see that Karen was crying.

"Karen? Are you okay?" he asked quietly.

"I'm fine. It's just that this whole summer has been such a roller-coaster ride of emotions. You must think the worst of me sometimes, for having pursued you and let it come to this. And I should be ashamed and hurt in return that you would do this with me, knowing you have someone at home who loves you" she wiped a tear from her cheek and turned her attention to the murky waters of the Black River.

James was stunned and dumbfounded. He had wanted to talk to Karen about what they were doing, but he was silenced by her sudden and open honesty. He couldn't answer her; he couldn't find the words to comfort her. His mind was filled with words to say, but none formed in his mouth to be spoken.

"Jimmy, what we are sharing right here and now means a lot to me, but it also scares me."

James nodded in approval; he reached out to her and took her in his arms.

"Just don't let go right now okay? Just hold me tight. We can try to figure this out" she replied and returned his embrace.

James stood on that pier never knowing that the words he left unspoken would have such an impact on his life.

****

James pulled his car to the curb in front of the townhouse. He noticed that she was waiting for him at the front door as he exited the car. The rain had slowed to a light drizzle again, and James didn't even bother with an umbrella. He walked slowly up the drive and came to stop in front of the open door. Leah's face said it all, he knew he probably looked like hell and her expression confirmed it.

"I'm so sorry Jimmy, was she a good friend?" she asked quietly.

James said the only thing he could think of, "Yes, yes she was."

Leah gently took hold of his hand and led him inside.

"Go put your feet up and I will get you some hot coffee. Sorry I didn't get your call, I was in the shower" she said to him, guiding him to the living room.

"That's okay, I was in no position to talk at that moment anyway" he responded as they treaded softly across the carpeted room.

He had always liked this room, it was warm and inviting. Some of the other rooms in the house seemed cold and empty to him, but this room, with its oversized, brown leather furniture and natural wood tables, welcomed you. James took off his damp coat and laid it over a straight back chair by the desk and slipped down into one of the large sofa cushions. His head hurt more now than earlier; he was going to have to take something to dull the pain if it didn't start to subside. He could feel some of the tension release from him as he laid his head back against the soft pillows. James could always count on Leah to comfort him and care for him. She was good to him and he knew that all to well, but it was just not right anymore. James had come to realize his true feelings and what he had with Leah would never be the same again. James could smell the coffee brewing and hear the soft music from the kitchen radio. Leah, of course, was listening to the same station James had been listening to. The music was familiar and the connected memories were intense.

James again, listened to the words, "... _there's never been another summer, where I have ever learned so much_..."

He smiled to himself and let a quiet peace come over him for the first time in the past couple of weeks.

****

"Jimmy," she said quietly, "what do you want out of life? Who do you want to be?" Karen's questions brought James out of his quiet daydreams.

They were lying together under the stars near Lover's Notch. It was a clear, moonless night and the stars stretched from one horizon to the other. James had always lived in the country and stars were not new to him, but he had never seen so many as he had here. They seemed to blanket the sky and never end, but go on forever. He thought about her questions for a moment before answering. She turned and looked at him; she had been resting her head on his chest.

"I don't know what I want in life... I want to be happy and I want to make someone happy" he replied.

"That seems very non-committal, sneaky boy" she quipped.

Her hands tickled his sides and James wriggled under her touch.

He grasped her firmly and pulled her to him. He kissed her gently and held her close to his body. She lay above him and her eyes sparkled in the night like the stars that shone above.

"I thought I knew what I wanted, I thought everything made sense to me," he said "but, then you come along and my whole world is tossed upside down."

She smiled fiercely and then kissed him; her tongue reached deep into his mouth as if searching for something and he could feel himself stiffen against her body. She moaned in satisfaction, slowly thrusting her hips against his. James let the moment take him and there under the stars was the first time they ever made love. It was a powerful experience for James. He was not, by any means, a virgin, but had only ever been with Sheila before. He felt awkward and clumsy, almost like he didn't know what to do. They guided each other through the act of intercourse both urging the other to lick more here or nibble a little harder there. The slow, passionate rhythm they settled for made their coupling hot and long. Each thrust of his hips drove deeper into her and she welcomed him with long, hard kisses as she raked her hands across his back and buttocks. They reached climax together in a shudder of ecstasy that James had never experienced again. Afterwards they lay naked under a blanket, breathing in unison; just being together. They spoke no words; none needed to be spoken. James had never loved another so deeply, he was sure of it.

After so many minutes lying under the night sky, they kissed again and dressed quietly. The quiet calm between them only enforced James' feelings for her. His deep compassion and love for her was slowly being forged as metal is forged, hard and strong. They walked hand in hand back to the camp and parted ways under that same familiar lamp behind the dining hall. Karen went back to her cabin and James to his. His head was left spinning from a raw emotion that he had never before experienced. James was in love, a true and undeniable love. His body yearned for her touch again and his head ached with the thought of never having that feeling again. The summer was slowly coming to an end. Classes were only two weeks from ending and he would be heading back home to Sheila and his life before Karen. Sheila had been in his thoughts more frequently as the summer drew to a close. He had no idea what he was going to do. He loved Sheila and cared for her very much, but the feelings that he had for Karen, he knew would never be matched again. He would never get a second chance to be with the one who truly touches his heart, at least he didn't think so at the time. He was facing the rest of his life; making a decision that he would have to live with forever. James got no sleep that night after he and Karen had made love for the first time under the stars. In fact, James got very little sleep the rest of the time he was at Camp Orion.

James didn't see much of Karen over the next couple of days. Their schedules were busy with classes and activities. He had wanted to see her every chance he could, but the camp schedule just didn't allow for it. All of the individual groups were wrapping up there particular summer courses and preparing to head home at the end of the following week. They still saw each other at night when they were able and they still held each other tight, neither wanting to let go of the other. Their intimate couplings were rushed and seemed awkward. The rhythm seemed off, they struggled with buttons and clothes seemed to cling and rebel against them.

One evening, James had struggled with the condom he had stolen from Tim's bag and the moment was lost, much to both of their frustration. The passion they had shared the first time seemed to be misplaced or unfocused from it once was. Karen seemed distant to James, he could feel her pulling away and he was confused and scared. He knew he was going to lose this one forever if he didn't speak up, but his head out-ruled his heart and he kept his feelings to himself. There were only three days left before the kids left for the summer and only five more days before the staff wrapped up and headed home as well. James' heart was tearing in two, he had Sheila at home so excited to see him and be with him again, but he had Karen here, close to him. His heart was conflicted and torn between two wonderful girls, one committed to him and stable, the other wild and passionate. Karen was all he could imagine wanting in a woman, yet she was drifting away.

There was a huge bonfire the night before the kids went home; James and Karen sat with each other just to be close. Tim and Renee sat with each other as well and there was a quiet, unspoken sadness in the air. The children had a wonderful summer, full of learning and experiences to last them a lifetime. The teachers had gained a love and respect for teaching, as well as friendships. It was that night after the fire that Karen took James down to the pier and held him tight. James held her back; he wrapped his arms around her and never wanted to let go. They kissed on the pier where they had first met. James knew now it had been love at first sight. They kissed for a long time, and held on for even longer.

After a long moment of quiet reflection in each other's arms, Karen led James back up from the pier to a small stand of trees along the riverbank that created a secluded overlook of the river. Nestled atop a small bluff, the view of the river was breathtaking, and James was amazed to see the moon light dance across the slight ripples of the moving water. Light winked and glittered against the black surface, and the night had an eerie silence that enveloped you. There, under one of the pines, Karen had stashed a blanket. She unfolded and spread out the blanket under the cover of the trees. She looked into James' eyes. He could see the desire behind her gaze. He would never know, until years later, the true depth of her emotion that night. She moved closer to him and he took her into his arms. They kissed and it was the most powerful kiss James had ever experienced. Her lips seemed to radiate such power and magnetism that James felt he never wanted to stop kissing her.

Their bodies intertwined as they slowly settled unto the blanket. James immediately recognized that Karen was going to lead this time. She told him to lie down and he obliged. She slowly undid his shorts and pulled them down to his ankles. She removed his shoes and as she slowly kissed up his muscular legs, James could feel the hardness start to engorge him. She teased and nibbled at his inner thighs as she slowly removed his boxer briefs, exposing his stiff cock. She took him into her mouth with eagerness that excited and tantalized. She used her tongue to lick the length of his shaft and she teased his head with the slightest kisses and bites. James could not control himself as he lay watching her enjoy his cock in her mouth. Almost sensing that he was on the verge of losing all control she sat up on her knees between his legs and removed her shirt. Her firm, taught breasts surged against the lace of her bra. She released the clasps from behind and allowed the lacy undergarment to fall away from her shoulders, giving James an exquisite view of her beautiful breasts and small, round nipples. She locked eyes with James and did not let her gave waver as she stood up in front of him. With a no words spoken, she seductively undid her shorts and let them fall to her ankles. James could see the fine lace of her panties matched the bra she had been wearing and James could see that the small straps that rested on her hips came together in a thong. She gave him ample time to examine her tight ass as she turned, bent down and picked up her shorts from around her feet. She tossed them aside and looked at James again.

"Do you like what you see?" she asked as she teased at the sides of her panties.

James was speechless; all he could do was watch in awe and wonder of this beautiful creature standing above him. Her breasts hung firm and high in front of her and he truly desired to taste those sweet, succulent nipples again. In one fluid motion, she swiftly pulled off her lace thong and moved unto her hands and knees with her body hovering over his. Her breasts hung down, pendulous above him and she leaned down for a kiss. It was a firm kiss and their tongues seemed to struggle against each other as their mouths enclosed around them. James allowed his hands to explore her naked body as she pulled him up and removed his shirt. He wrapped his arms around her and brought one of her small, hard nipples into his mouth. She moaned with pleasure as he licked and teased her firm areolas, moving from one to the other, cupping her supple breasts in his hands. She held the back of his head and pulled him closer to her, allowing him to take her deeper into his mouth. James was surprised to feel her hands upon his shoulders as she pushed him back down upon the blanket. She was above him again looking down on him like a hungry feline looks upon its prey. There was a hunger behind her eyes that she was restraining.

"James," she whispered "I want you. I want to feel you inside of me."

She was eager for that passion they had felt the first time and James followed her lead as she guided herself unto him. The feel of her tightness made James hungry for the same thing she had been asking for. He wanted nothing more than to be inside of her and to be slowly driving himself deeper into her. She sat back and he placed his hands on her hips as she rocked slowly back and forth. Her pace started to quicken as he thrust himself against her with an almost clock-like precision. Their bodies moved together and with each thrust of his hips she moaned in ecstasy. She placed her hands on his chest and threw her head back as she grinded deeper against his hips. James could feel himself climbing towards climax and as he started, her body bucked against his and she stifled a scream against the back of her hand as she climaxed. James could feel his muscles flex and contract as he also climaxed deep inside of her. Their rhythm slowed and she came to rest upon his chest with her knees nestled close to his sides. Their breathing was labored but slowed as they lay in each other's arms. James could smell the sweet juices of their sex and he was dizzy with a feeling of pure joy but overwhelmed by sadness as well. Several minutes passed and no words were spoken, they just lay with her on top of him and her head upon his chest. Off in the distance voices arose in the darkness and flashlight beams sliced through the night. They were both startled into action. They quickly dressed, and exchanged a brief kiss in the moon light before parting ways.

That had been their goodbye in a way; James spent the next day packing and getting ready to leave. He and Tim had exchanged addresses and phone numbers, both swearing to keep in touch. Karen came to him the night before he was scheduled to leave and gave him a letter.

"Don't read it now, read it after you are long gone from here" she said and kissed him one last time.

James knew he would never forget that moment, watching her walk away into the darkness.

It had been a bitter sweet day when James left Camp Orion that summer. He met with Brian and Cecelia, and promised to write. He and Tim shared a couple of jokes at breakfast and James made his rounds, saying goodbye to friends and co-workers, some he would never see again. He made a point to say goodbye to Scott and Dave personally, they had been through some much over the course of the summer and James hoped to remain friends with both of them. Karen was no where to be found on that day he left. Renee hadn't seen her, but promised she would say goodbye for him; she winked as she said it and hugged James. Tears welled in his eyes as he drove down the dusty drive away from camp; he was leaving earlier than the rest of the staff by a day or two. James had classes that were starting shortly and he had to return home to prepare. He looked back in wonder of all that he had experienced over the past three months and wondered what was ahead of him. The camp diminished from his rear-view mirror as he drove farther away from everything that he had experienced over the last three and a half months.

****

James was startled awake by the sound of shuffling feet. He quickly opened his eyes and felt the same familiar, constant pain in his head. Leah stood close, holding a cup of warm coffee in her hands.

"I am sorry if I woke you," she whispered "you looked so peaceful, I really didn't want to bother you."

James smiled at her and his heart broke knowing that he was going to have to tell her goodbye.

"Just go back to sleep sweetie, I will wake you in a little while. You really look like you could use the rest."

James shrugged it off and signaled for her to sit down, "don't go," he said "stay with me."

Leah smiled gently back and snuggled down on the couch next to him with her feet tucked up under her. She grabbed a blanket and covered them both. James could smell her perfume and he felt that all too familiar desire come over him again. Leah held a special place in his heart and James had come to realize over time that she was as close to the one thing in his life that he had been missing for so long. That summer spent with Karen had changed James. He had loved truly and been truly loved in return. That left a mark on anyone; it left a void deep inside of you that could never be filled. Leah had covered that void for James, but it was never to be filled again. She was vibrant and exciting. She loved the outdoors; she shared so many interests with James and loved just to be with him. He found himself acting more himself around her than he did others. Leah relaxed James and made him feel at peace with himself. That had become a hard thing for James over the years, but she just had a way about her.

James listened to the soft rain against the window and could hear the radio in the kitchen playing another one of Mr. Brooks' songs from the past. "... _she's sun and rain, she's fire and ice, a little crazy but it's nice_..."

No truer words had ever been spoken.

James hugged Leah tight and let sleep fall over him again.

****

James read the letter she wrote at the first rest stop he came to. He had expected the paper to burn his fingers. James hoped the words she wrote would make him want to turn his car around and race back to the camp and to her embrace. He was surprised to find a short, sweet note written to him and signed with only a heart. Karen told him that she had enjoyed the time they spent together, and that she would never forget him. She told him to pursue the happiness he was looking for and to always look back on the past summer and smile. She didn't include a forwarding address or a phone number; of course James had not provided her with any of that information either. He couldn't say why he hadn't given her his number; he didn't know why he walked away from her so easily.

James returned home to Sheila and resumed his life as he had left it. Sheila was a warm and welcoming presence that made James realize what he had and what he would have given up. Thoughts of Karen weighed heavy on his mind, she had sparked something inside of him that burned strong and hot. The pain of losing what they had shared dulled over time, but the memory was always there. Karen became a fixture in James' life; the one that he let slip away. As dull as the pain had grown in his heart, and as much as he tried to move on, there was still that doubt in James' mind. What if he had made the wrong decision? What if he should have followed his heart and pursued his feelings? James wrestled with those questions for a long time after that summer. Karen was out of his life, but the mark she left on him was etched on his heart like a sailor's tattoo.

James and Sheila moved in together later that fall, it seemed like the natural progression of their relationship. James had been confused and very conflicted for several weeks after he returned home, but in time he came to rationalize that Karen had been just a fling. He came to terms with the fact that although he could not stop thinking about her, she had only briefly entered his life and would soon be gone from his thoughts forever. Sheila had been there all along and James knew that she was the one he was destined to spend the rest of his life with. It was what was expected of them as a couple so deeply in love and committed to each other. James still thought about Karen often, but hoped that those would fade.

He had started back at the university. His course load was hard at first and James took that as an opportunity to bury himself in his school work. It wasn't until the start of the spring semester that he got a call from a familiar voice. Tim was in the area for a symposium being held at the school and he wanted to catch up with James. Thrilled to hear from his friend, James made plans for them to get together and have dinner.

Turk's Bar and Grill was a small, hardwood establishment nestled in the heart of University City. The low lit atmosphere was relaxing and allowed you escape into one of the booths and forget about things. The entire left hand side of the restaurant consisted of the oversized bar that terminated in a hook at the front of the room near the picture window facing the street. This was a popular area of the bar room; guys and girls alike congregated there to watch the street traffic pass by the large window. There were no gaudy neon signs in the window, and there were very few beer posters or advertisements throughout the restaurant. The place was tastefully decorated with a combination of movie memorabilia and old black and white photographs. The main focus of the small brew pub was, of course, its bar but James had always felt that the grill part was pretty good too. The food was delicious, in James' humble opinion, and the wait staff was always friendly; not to mention usually young, female, and very attractive. There is something to be said about a pretty girl earning her keep through college waiting tables, slinging beers and keeping a smile on her face. James had worked through college, so he knew where they were, but being the focus of every man's desire that evening waiting tables had to get old. Those girls deserved more respect then they normally received.

James picked a booth near the back corner of the room and sat facing the room so he could watch the bar flies come and go. He also wanted to be able to spot Tim when he arrived. James sat quietly, he had ordered a Coke, no beer for him; he never really had a taste for it. He listened to the music from the juke box and took in the room. A pretty girl at the bar caught his eye and for a brief instant he thought it was Karen. His heart raced and he felt his breath catch in his throat. The hair was right, but there was something about her that didn't fit. He quickly realized she was not Karen, but the resemblance was undeniable.

James had tried to get Karen out of his head. He had done everything he could to put that part of his life behind him and move forward. He told himself time and time again that it had meant nothing more to her than what it was. James was unable to ever really convince himself of that. He had the note to go by, the one she wrote; that was her chance to tell him how she really felt and she didn't have anything to tell. James had left it as it was. He had made it through the first semester of grad school and was pushing on into the second half of the year. Things with Sheila were going well, she had gotten a great job and he was working nights to help offset the cost of living and going to school. He had started saving for a ring and was planning on asking Sheila to be his bride at the end of this school year. She had always talked about a spring or summer wedding and this would give her about a year to plan. James was serious about his decision and the way his heart felt about Karen would change in time; he told himself that fact over and over again.

Tim entered the restaurant and James immediately flagged him down. The two embraced and exchanged "Good to see you's" and "How ya doin's."

James was surprised to see that Tim had put on a little weight from the last time they had seen each other.

"Damn it's good to see you. How have you been man?" Tim asked.

"I have been really good. Sheila and I moved in together in the fall and I am in the second half of my first year of grad school. How about you?" James replied.

"I am doing great!" Tim exclaimed, "My new job is sending me all over the country for training and informational talks. I love the travel. Hey, Renee and I are engaged."

"That's awesome, why didn't you write and tell me?" James asked.

"It just happened over the past weekend, I was headed out here for another trip and she was really getting on my case about all of the traveling, so I popped the question and that seemed to settle her down" Tim said as he smiled and winked at James.

"We are living in California now, she moved out to look for work and be close to me after camp. We have not left each others sides since. How about you? You and Sheila, is that pretty serious?"

James could see the question in his friend's eyes and didn't necessarily want to go there with him.

"Yeah, it is. She really means a lot to me and she has been there through it all. Hell, she stuck with me being gone for almost four months last summer and still wanted me when I got back."

Tim looked straight at James with a slight smirk on his face, "Have you heard from her James?"

James hesitated for only a second or two, pretending he didn't know who Tim was referring to.

"No. I have not seen or heard from her since I left that day" James paused, "I really don't think I ever will hear from her, it was just one of those things you know."

"Is that what you have gone on telling yourself, does that help you forget her?" Tim asked.

"No, it doesn't help but it gets me by" James said looking down at the menu in front of him.

"She was different wasn't she? She meant more than just a summer fling, didn't she?" Tim asked, probing deeper.

"Yes she was. And now I don't know what to do about it. Man, you could even see it, although it wasn't like we were hiding it towards the end there."

Tim shook his head and looked James in the eyes, "You have got to be sure about your heart on this. You can't let this thing hang out there for the rest of your life, it will drive you crazy."

James knew what his friend was saying and understood.

"Renee told you to ask about her, didn't she? Has she talked to Karen since the summer?"

Tim's eyes darted away from James' and he looked a tad ashamed.

"It's okay Tim, just tell me. I will not break down and start to cry on you."

Tim stiffened his back and looked at James again, "Renee talked to her once or twice, but you know girls, they don't tell us guys anything. She and Karen kept in touch until after Christmas, she came out to visit. She has family in L.A. But I don't think Renee has talked to her in over a month now. They just seem to be drifting apart."

James was surprised to hear that Tim had seen Karen since the summer.

He mustered up the courage to ask, "Did she ask about me?"

Tim rolled his eyes and laughed out loud, the same laugh that had ignited many late nights of fun in their cabin.

"James, are you sure that her feelings were the same as yours?" Tim asked.

James didn't know how to respond; he wasn't sure of anything. He knew how he felt about her and he had always hoped she had felt the same way.

"I can't be sure dude, but we shared something that neither of us could deny. I think what we had together meant more than either of us could see at the time" James replied.

Tim looked at James across the table and sighed, "Look James, I never wanted to be the one to tell you this, but now that I can see that you can't let this go, I am going to have to be the one."

James was intrigued by what Tim had to tell him that could be relevant to his situation.

"Listen man, remember when you left early, you left before the rest of us did after camp so that you could get back to school on time?" Time stated.

"Yeah, I remember" James replied.

"Well," Tim said, pausing only briefly to collect his thoughts, "the rest of us stayed a couple more days, tried to get the most out of the summer and hold on to what we had right then and there."

James was sure Tim was referring to his relationship with Renee and not wanting to let go of that time together.

"There were some long nights over those last few days, and well, I am pretty sure that Karen and Dave did more than share their thoughts on the summer, if you catch my drift."

James' breath caught in his throat at the sound of Tim's words.

He felt betrayed; a feeling of disgust came over him. He felt that slick, oily emotion of hurt and jealousy creep in.

"Are you bull-shitting me Griz? Are you being serious?" James asked bluntly.

"She apparently found comfort in Dave's arms after you left and well, I had hoped that you still weren't carrying a torch because it looked like, at that time that she was over you real quick."

Tim looked at him, and James knew he could see the hurt in his eyes.

"That's messed up. What the fuck is up with that?" James found himself suddenly trying to control his temper.

"Easy Killer," Tim responded, "you guys met for the summer and hooked-up, she moved on to the next after you went home to your girlfriend."

It was clear to James right there that Karen had just used him for the summer and there was nothing more to what they had shared then the physical stuff.

"That is hard to swallow Griz. I truly thought there was more to her. I really thought that we had something more. She fooled me, huh?" James tried to laugh it off.

"My friend, you have got a major issue on your hands and until you solve it, there will never be a moments rest for you. I didn't want to ever tell you about what happened after you left but, I really think you needed to hear it. And who better to hear it from than me," he smiled his wide grin, "now, let's order some food, I'm starving."

James shrugged off Tim's comments and agreed on ordering dinner. It ate at him that Tim had seen Karen and that she possibly could have mentioned him, but he didn't bring it up again.

They shared memories over dinner and laughed about good times. They spent the rest of the evening just talking and reminiscing. Tim was the first to call an end to the night, he had an early presentation in the morning and then he was headed back to California. Tim hoped to be back east over the summer and promised that he and Renee would come and visit for a couple of days.

James looked forward to seeing Tim again, and as they left the restaurant that night, he knew Tim was one of the best friends he would ever have.

****

James awoke to the soft drumming of rain against the windows.

It continued to rain heavily outside and left James wondering about that movie, he couldn't recall the title, but the one character always said, " _It can't rain all the time..._ "

James unfortunately felt, deep inside, that it could. He felt as if it would never stop raining and his days were destined to be gray and gloomy for a long time to come. Not unlike the cute gray donkey from Winnie the Pooh, James was doomed to be Eeyore; with a dark rain cloud over his head everyday.

His life was dreary, yes he had a loving wife and children that loved him, but his heart was broken. The sadness that came from James' broken heart consumed him and controlled all that he did. James felt like he had a grasp on his life, he had come to realize what was important and he thought he knew what made him happy. James' heart had other ideas and only made them known fully to him when he had heard from Karen four weeks ago. His life had been going in a direction he wanted and the decisions he had been making were always for his family and their future. His job was not the greatest but it helped pay the bills. James had friends that loved him and respected him and his extended family was supportive and loving towards everything he did. James' father had been particularly supportive of James and for that, James was always grateful. Being his only son, James knew his father always wanted the best for his son, and would have tried to help him through any turmoil life threw at him. James felt ashamed of the things he had done in his life that his father would not have approved. These were the things that had started weighing very heavily on James' mind and heart. He had always meant to be a faithful and loving husband. He strived to be the best dad that he could to his kids, but he always felt he fell short. Most things he hardly talked to his wife about, and some of those things he never would.

Tears started down his face again as he lay in the warmth of Leah's embrace. James had begun to doubt the type of man that he had become. He had never meant to hurt anyone and wanted only the best for the ones that he loved. Many things in his life had changed around James; most were out of his control. James felt that he was at a crossroads in his life; any decisions that he made from this moment forward would affect everyone he loved.

James slowly got up from the couch and made his way into the kitchen. The day had passed into late afternoon and the autumn sun had fallen from the sky behind its veil of gray. The kitchen was dark but for the glow of a small scented candle Leah had lit on the counter. The light that shone from the windows was dull and cast deep shadows into the corners and under the large oak cabinets. The soft music from the radio filled the room but did little to ward off the darkness.

James needed something for his head. The pain was worsening and he had to take the edge off. Leah kept the medicine in one of the cabinets, but James couldn't remember which one. He started with the far left cabinet and got lucky after the second door he opened. The first cabinet contained cups and mugs, with one missing; the one that was in the living room holding his long, cold coffee. James returned to the first cabinet to retrieve a glass after he shook some Advil tablets into his hand. He knew this was the strongest stuff Leah had and it would have to do. James' headaches had been getting worse over the past couple of days and he wished that a good amount of it could be attributed to stress.

He and Leah had been fighting, and that, in turn, made home life miserable too. Work was a continuing stress on James, he did his best to leave the stress of his job at work, but it came home; his personal life and family ended up paying for his frustration in the end. There was also Karen, her brief entrance back into James' life and her even quicker, painful exit. Those brief moments spent with Karen, as it seemed to James, were the toughest thing he had ever dealt with; his ultimate realization of love and how it affected one's heart and soul. Karen had been his true love, he was sure of that now. She had been the one in his life that all others after were compared. She had left a hole in his heart that was only recognized after she returned to his life. James had been living his life as though it were already scripted for him. He married and had children. He pursued a career and worked his hardest to do the best he could. He gave his all to his family and to his friends, but in that time since he and Karen shared their love under the stars, James had lost sight of himself. James didn't know who he was anymore and was unable to recognize true happiness and love. Karen had allowed him to see that part of himself again; allowed James to see what he really wanted in life. Now all of that was lost. Karen was gone and James was left to ponder his life.

Leah appeared in the doorway of the kitchen with the blanket wrapped around her shoulders. She looked at him quietly as he stood facing her in the dim light of the room. James felt a sad, guilty sorrow for Leah. He had never meant to hurt her. She came into his life at a time when he had begun to question himself again and her love had filled the spaces left empty by James' past. Leah was someone who loved truly and wanted to be truly loved. She sought that in James and found someone who longed for her attention and needed her desires. James wanted to fill his empty heart with Leah, he wanted to make her happy and be the best lover he could for her. It was not a true love James had for her and over the past couple of months they had both started to see it. James saw it as an answer to some of his questions about himself, but Leah refused to see it as what it really was. She wanted them to last; she wanted their relationship to be what she had always longed for in her life. Leah wanted James to be hers forever, but James knew it could never be.

"How are you feeling?" she asked.

Her eyes looked red and James could tell that she had been crying again.

"I am fine. My head hurts, but I took some Advil."

She looked at his face; he could see the sadness in her eyes. "You loved her didn't you? She was the one before me, wasn't she?"

James didn't know what to say to her. They had spoken of each others pasts and knew a great deal about each other, but James had never spoken of Karen before to Leah.

The words of a new song came on and broke the silence between them. " _Sometimes late at night, I lay awake and watch her sleeping. She's lost in peaceful dreams so I turn out the light and lay there in the dark, and a thought crosses my mind, if I never wake up in the morning..._ "

The words kept coming from the radio as James looked at Leah; seeing the hurt in her eyes and feeling the hurt in his own heart.

****

It was later that next summer when James proposed to Sheila. He had made up his mind that she was the woman for him. She had been through everything with him and he felt that she deserved to be taken care of; to feel a love from him forever that she gave to him. James still thought about Karen and the love that they had silently shared, but she was no longer in his life. What they had was brief, very powerful but too short to base the rest of his life on. James tried to look her up a couple of times, even asked Renee if she had an e-mail address or phone number for her. The address that Renee provided him didn't work and at that he quit trying. He constantly replayed the words that Tim had told him over in his head. James had a very difficult time believing that Karen would have done that, and maybe it was just Tim's way of helping James move on. He still found himself thinking of what she might be doing with her life and if she had ever done the same thing to another.

James chose to ask Sheila to marry him one summer night under a full moon. He had spoken to her father and mother; both were delighted to have him as their son-in-law. James had told his father he was going to propose and he offered James' mother's diamond ring. James was touched by his father's gesture and they both went to the jeweler's and had the stone reset for Sheila in a ring just for her. This meant more to James than he could put into words. He tried to express his feelings for Sheila while he was down on his knee, but the words felt jumbled and confused. The look in her eyes and the answer he got was enough to let him know that she was really touched by his proposal and the ring that came with it. She had said yes a million times over as she hugged and kissed James that night. She stared at the ring in the moonlight and it sparkled with a beautiful, radiant light.

They had spent the rest of that evening calling family and friends; informing everyone they knew about their engagement. James was overjoyed to see Sheila so happy; he was moved by her overwhelming response to the whole evening. She immediately started talking about the wedding and making plans. James told her to slow down and take it one day at a time; he still had school to finish before the wedding was going to happen. Unfazed by his attempts to rein her in, Sheila set out to make their wedding the best it could be for the both of them.

Tim and Renee had come in from California to visit at the end of August. James had relayed the news of his engagement to Tim via e-mail and he seemed happy and excited for James and Sheila. They had both agreed on a time when Tim and Renee could come out and stay a couple of days with James and Sheila at their place. Their small apartment was meager and offered little in the way of extravagant amenities but they called it home and it suited them well. Tim and Renee came in on a Wednesday night red-eye flight and planned to stay through Sunday of that week. Sheila was excited to finally meet Renee, a girl she had heard so much about through James and Tim. James was a little apprehensive at first, he worried that the two friends from last summer would happen to mention Karen and leave James with some explaining to do. Both James and Sheila had taken Friday and the weekend off to be with their guests. Sheila planned meals and day trips while James brooded over discussion of the events of last summer.

His mood didn't put a damper on the whole weekend, but by Saturday afternoon Tim had started to notice James' darkened mood. Tim asked James to take him to the local fish and tackle store, he was looking for some new flies for his collection and he just couldn't find any on the west coast.

"Let's go play with our rods before I have to leave tomorrow" Tim had joked.

Renee just rolled her eyes and clucked her tongue at the two of them.

"You boys go right ahead and play with your rods... Sheila and I are going to talk weddings."

James reluctantly went with Tim to the bait shop.

On the way there Tim posed a simple question to James.

"Is she the one for you?"

James just looked over at his friend and then back at the road, he was surprised he didn't know how to answer.

"Sheila deserves to be happy and I want to give that to her" James responded.

"That is not what I asked you. Is she the one for you? It is a simple yes or no question James."

Tim's tone of voice had changed since they left the apartment, James could tell he was serious about this and was not going to let James off easy.

"She is the one for me, she makes me happy and I want to give her that in return. I love her very much. She has been through so much with me."

James could feel the heat rising in his face; almost insulted that he felt he needed to defend his feelings for Sheila.

"You look mad at me James. Why do you think I am concerned for you man? Why do you think I would put you on the spot like this? Marriage is for as long as you both shall live, but true love is forever. What Renee and I have together is like nothing I have ever experienced before. She compliments all of my good qualities and outshines my bad. I have in Renee what every man should want in a woman. She is my friend and lover, soon to be wife. I love Renee more than I can put to words but I also know inside that she is who and what I want out of life. Can you say that about Sheila? Can you say that she completes you, that she is your soul's perfect match?" Tim replied.

James stared at the road ahead of him, his eyes blearing behind his tears.

"You have been on egg shells all weekend man, what is up with you? You sounded so excited about the engagement in your e-mails. You sounded like you had figured it all out" Tim's frustration was starting to show.

"You don't think Renee would say anything about Karen to Sheila, do you?" James asked almost without thinking.

"What in the hell are you talking about!" Tim shouted. "Why in the world would either of us bring up Karen? Have you lost your mind? You have asked that girl to be your wife. Renee and I don't want to stomp all over that with talk about what happened last summer. You need to get something straight right now" his voice wavered some, "We both want the best for you guys, but I am truly worried about your head and where it is with this whole marriage thing."

James tried to recover by saying thanks but Tim cut him off quickly.

"You have some serious soul searching to do James. Sheila is in this for good. She doesn't want to mess around with the rest of your lives. She needs to know that you are going to be there for her through it all. You have to be committed to yourself and this marriage one hundred percent. If you are still dealing with issues of the heart related to Karen, then deal with them and move forward, whichever that way may be. It has been a year James, and you still can't get that girl out of your head. She is gone from your life James. She apparently had no problem moving on after you were no where to be seen. Listen, the last time Renee talked to her she was living with some guy in Philly, she was working full time at some school. Sorry to be the one to break it to you like that, but she has moved way past the summer at Orion man, and you should too."

James felt his heart wince at Tim's words.

The message Tim relayed to him was one he didn't want to hear. He realized that he had moved forward with his life, but part of him still wished that she was out there looking for him, wondering what he was doing just like he was with her.

"James, I'm serious. You need to tell Sheila everything and let the chips fall where they will. You are hung up on Karen, to the point where you think Renee and I are going to talk about her and ruin your relationship" Tim said point-blank.

"I can't tell her, it would destroy her and our relationship. I am over Karen Tim, I really am. I just worry about Sheila finding out about what I did last summer and how much it would hurt her."

James hung his head.

"Pull over" Tim commanded, "This is crazy."

James did as his friend asked and as he put the car in park

Tim started to speak again, "look at me James. Really look at me. I have not known you for a long time but we have shared a good amount of experiences together. You are a dear friend and I care a lot about you. You and Sheila are great together. She is a saint for putting up with you. You guys deserve the best and that is what Renee and I want for you. Just make sure you are right with it, make sure you know where your head and heart are before you marry her. If you are not over this Karen thing then get over it, do what you have to do to move past it. She is a distant memory that should stay that way, but if there is more to it then you need to pursue it and find out for yourself why you can't get her out of your head. Make sure you are clear with what you want before you marry Sheila. It needs to be for all of the right reasons."

James could feel that Tim spoke honestly to him because he cared.

Tim had become a very good friend.

James looked at his friend and spoke truthfully, "I do not know why I can't get Karen out of my mind but I know I love Sheila and she is the one I want to spend the rest of my life with. She means the world to me and that is why I want her to be my wife. Karen will be nothing more than a memory from now on, she was a thing that I did in my past and I will move forward away from that now."

Tim smiled at James, "Good. You need to realize what you want before you go marrying that sweet girl."

James hugged Tim, it was a very random gesture, but Tim returned the hug openly.

"I want you to be my best man Griz. Will you stand up there with me?" James asked.

"Of course I will man. Anything for you." James sat back in his seat satisfied with their talk and excited about the future that lay ahead for he and Sheila.

"Now take me to the tackle shop you big dummy" Tim joked, "I can't get a good fly out in Cali, even if I left raw meat on the sidewalk for a week."

James laughed at his friend's bad joke and so did Tim.

That talk James shared with Tim in the car made him realize that he was looking at the wrong reasons for marrying Sheila and he was going to change. Sheila was his future and their life together is what he planned on focusing on. Karen was different, she had gotten into his heart and remained there, but it was time for him to move past his feelings for her, whatever they may be, and look towards his future with Sheila and the life that they were just starting to make together.

****

In the fading light of her kitchen, Leah's eyes filled with tears as James weighed the words in his head. James knew the time had come to tell Leah everything about his past. He needed to be honest with her and let her know that the love that they had shared was over.

Leah had become a fixture in James' life and he had come to count on the comfort he got from being around her. They were the best of friends and always had fun just being together. Their sex life was passionate and real. James felt alive in her arms; she made him feel like a man again with her energy and vitality. James had lost sight himself long ago, and being with her made him feel whole. Leah's love for life and her lust for James was an overwhelming feeling. She was strong in her desires and needs; she knows what she wants and gets what she wants. James knew this turning point in their relationship was not going to be easy. They had both gotten in way too deep and now trying to move away from that was going to be very hard.

"She was the one before me, wasn't she? She is the one who truly broke your heart, the one that sent you searching all these years?" she repeated herself as she began to sob. "You really loved her and now you are going to tell me goodbye, aren't you? You are going to walk away from everything we have because of her. You don't think I noticed a change in you. You have been acting strange for weeks now."

James looked her in the eyes and spoke softly, "her name was Karen and she was my true love. She and I shared a passion that has spanned over nine years now. Our lives took different paths and until just recently, we had not been in touch for that entire time. She and I met at a summer camp where we both were interning. She was young and vivacious, full of a spirit that made my heart jump. She had me at first glance, she was beautiful. As radiant as the summer sun and she shined from the inside, not just her looks were beautiful but her person within. Her inner beauty was amazing, she and I connected like no one I have ever connected with before. She was the other half to my heart and soul," he paused and rubbed his temples, trying to ease the throb in his head, "I feel like this is corny and so unreal, but it is true. Karen has been with me since the day I left her. She has been the one thing that was missing in my life. So, yes, I did love her and still do. I think you and the others in my past have been fillers for what has really been missing. I am not a happy man and I am not happy with the things I have done. You mean so very much to me and it hurts to see you like this. I can't go on like this, the pain is too great and you deserve better than what I can't give you."

Leah looked hurt, but she also had a look of understanding in her eyes.

"Jimmy, you will never understand the way I feel about you. I do not think I will ever be able to express my love to you completely or make you see what a special man you really are. To your girls, to me, to anyone that may ever meet you in their lives. Jimmy you have set such a high standard for yourself that I do not think you will ever be able to live up to it. I can see that I am not what you were looking for, and the hurt in your eyes shows me that I will never compare to or be the woman that she was, but you have a life that you need to live for yourself not for anyone else. I want you to love me Jimmy, but if that is not going to happen, please at least live for yourself. Make a decision for you Jimmy, make you happy."

She continued, fighting back more tears, "does she know Jimmy? Does Sheila know the truth? Have you talked to your wife about how you really feel?" She paused, staring James in the eyes, "And how do you really feel Jimmy? You said that you hadn't seen this woman in nine years right? How can you be so sure that she was the one? I am not doubting you Jimmy, but nine years is a long time, and for her to seek you out seems a little weird. Was she married too?"

James replied, "No, she was divorced with two young boys."

Leah shook her head, "she was divorced and comes looking for an old flame and you fall for it, you really think she had anything to lose by looking you up again?"

There was a bitter anger in her voice that James had never heard before.

"No. She had a lot to lose; her heart was on the line too. And she was the one Leah; she has been with me for nine years now. I have been living with her memory for all this time, trying to make sense of who I am and where I am supposed to be. When she came back into my life, I finally realized that she was the one that had made me feel something deep inside. She was the one that fit. Leah, I know this isn't easy to hear and it isn't easy for me to say, but you deserve to know that what we have is real but I can't continue doing it. I can't continue lying to my wife and living in deceit of our marriage. Karen is gone, I know that. But, it doesn't mean that I can't change and try to make amends for the mistakes in my life. I told Sheila about us the other night and it broke my heart to see her hurt. That is also why we cannot be. You and I have something special and that I will not deny, but my life is changing now and I want you to move forward without me. You deserve better than me and my screwed up life."

Leah looked at him with sad eyes, tears rolling freely down her face.

"Jimmy, I would like to think that we do have something really special, I would like to think that you do truly love me the way I love you. I know it is hard for you to say to me, but I feel the way you love me and I hope you feel that in return from me. You are worth so much more than you give yourself credit for Jimmy. Do you think I would have stuck through all the ups and downs if I didn't really love you? Do you think I would have been the part-time girl in your life if I didn't hope there was going to be more, that one day those promises you made early on would come true? Yes, I want to be with you and I want you to love me back, but if you don't love me like that anymore then that is what it is. You have to be happy for yourself Jimmy, you need to find the things in your life that will make it worth while. I am not one of those things anymore, that is clear, and I hate that. But you mean more to me then just letting go. I will be here Jimmy, because I love you" she couldn't hold back the next wave of tears any longer.

"You and I have something a lot of people never get to experience in their lives. Ours is a love with no barriers. You make me feel comfortable with myself. You have never judged me or made me feel unimportant," she swallowed back her sobs, "my father, may he rot in hell, is to blame for my insecurities. But you always made me feel loved and beautiful. I love you Jimmy and I don't want to give that up so easily, I am not sorry for that."

James walked over to her and took her in his arms. He kissed her head as she cried into his shoulder.

"Leah, I am so sorry for all of this, I am sorry for ever letting us happen. If I could take back the hurt I would, but I can't. I do not regret the feelings I have for you but they are not right and that is what bothers me the most. Our relationship is based on lies and deceit" he paused, trying to collect his thoughts.

"I can't hold it against you that you love me and don't want to give that up, I do not hate you for having feelings towards me and wanting more from me. But I can't give you those things, not physically or emotionally. Seeing Karen again made me realize what was really missing in my life, and you unfortunately are just another way that I was trying to fill the spaces left empty in my life. I love my wife dearly, and I love my kids even more. My family counts on me to be the best husband and father that I can be. That is a lot to live up to some days. I have betrayed their trust too often and taken for granted the life that I have. Sheila has always been there for me and she also deserves better than me."

Leah cut him off, "Stop saying that Jimmy. You are a good man, and I hope she knows what she has. I hope she appreciates everything that you do for her and your girls."

There was that bitterness in her voice again, James was surprised to see such a serious look in her eyes as she spoke.

"Jimmy, you are a good man. You and I both know what we have is not something that either of us went looking for, well I did maybe, but our intentions were never for it to get like this. I know how I feel in my heart and I want you to be true to yourself and recognize what you want. This sucks, I am not going to lie, but I would rather have you happy then upset and broken hearted. But promise me you will think of yourself. Promise me you will not continue your life as it is because you feel like that is what you have to do. I love you Jimmy, I love you very much."

James' heart felt as if it were being crushed under the weight of all that had happened to him over the last couple of weeks. He did truly love Leah for the person that she was and for the way that she made him feel. It hurt having to tell her goodbye. James was going to be thirty-one next month and he had come to see more of the hurt and pain in his life than the happiness and joy. He had a wonderful family; two beautiful little girls that loved him very much.

Leah, at one time, had added to that joy, but as their relationship became more involved and their true feelings became revealed, the guilt and shame was just too great. James knew he was wrong for what he had done to Sheila and to his daughters, but he couldn't take those things back now. He could only change for the better now and move forward. He was going to tell Sheila how he truly felt and everything that had happened in his life. He owed that to her, it wouldn't be easy for her to hear, but James was sure that her love for their family would carry her through. James wasn't going to beg for forgiveness but he wanted to make the truth known and let the rest of their lives play out from there.

James looked at his watch and realized that it was getting later. He needed to get home and talk to Sheila while the emotions were still raw. If he thought about things too long he wouldn't go through with everything he needed to.

"Leah, I have to get going. I have to get home and talk to her. I'm sorry."

Leah just looked at him with her puffy eyes and smiled, "Jimmy, you mean the world to me and if there is anything I can do for you, let me know please. Don't shut me out, I want to help you through this. I know you are hurting and that makes me worry about you more. I am sorry that she is gone Jimmy. Karen, was that her name? I am sorry that you will never know what the future may have held for you guys."

That was a hard blow to James, he held her tighter, just holding on to that moment for a little longer.

"She is gone and that really hurts but what we had was not destined to ever be experienced again" he stepped back from her and kissed her quickly on the lips, "take care of yourself promise. Don't dwell on the things that we can't have together."

"You are talking like we will never see each other again? We work together you know, I will see you again" she replied.

"Just promise me that you will move on, and find someone who can love you the way I couldn't."

James walked from the room to retrieve his coat. As he was putting the damp jacket back on and bracing for the cold rain again, Leah came to him and kissed him deeply.

James returned the kiss. He savored that intimacy for a minute longer before pulling from her and opening the front door.

"Drive safe Jimmy. It's really raining out there."

She had a look of concern in her eyes that James recognized immediately.

"I will be fine to get home, don't worry. I am sorry again for all of this Leah, you really do mean a lot to me and yes, I do love you" he smiled as he stepped out into the rain.

He saw a look of relief come across her face and she watched him all the way to the car and only closed the door after he was pulling away from the curb.

James had lied to Leah, he wasn't headed straight home from her place. He had an appointment across town in about forty-five minutes that he knew would be a bear to make in rush hour traffic. Leah didn't need to know about the appointment, she would just worry. It seemed, to James, like the right thing to do; Leah cared about James and didn't need another reason to hold on.

James turned the radio on and listened to the words to the song that was playing.

"... _what do I have to do to make you see, she can't love you like me. Why don't you stay? I'm down on my knees. I'm so tired of being lonely, don't I give you what you need?_ "

Jennifer Nettles' voice boomed through his car as James drove away from Leah forever. He couldn't go back to the way that it had been before Karen had come back into his life. James was a changed man with his destiny spilling out in front of him. This appointment would further confirm the outcome.

****

James and Sheila were the happiest together that they had ever been during the year they planned for their wedding. Sheila worked extra hours and James pushed his way through classes and the late nights working. It wasn't always easy but together they made it through another year and everyday was another day closer to the wedding. The honeymoon had been decided on and with the money her parents had given them, it was not out of their budget. The trip was nothing extravagant but it was a perfect little get-away planned for the two of them to enjoy being newly wed and to escape their everyday lives for a couple of days.

James looked forward to the time away after the wedding more than he did the ceremony. He was very excited to marry Sheila and make her his wife, but after his second year of grad school, James was ready for a little rest and relaxation. The trip was planned for them to fly to Florida and hop on a cruise ship through the Caribbean. Several islands were on the ship's roster to port along the way. James had never been on a cruise and was looking forward to being out on the ocean with his new wife enjoying every moment together.

That would have to wait though, the wedding was quickly approaching and there was still a lot that had to be finished. The bills had started mounting and James worried that they were going to put themselves in debt just trying to get married. Sheila had started talking about houses and James could not bear to think of a mortgage payment on top of everything else. Their rent was high, and putting that money towards an investment in real estate made more sense, but the thought of buying a house this close to the actual wedding made James dizzy with anxiety. They had agreed to start looking for a place when they got back from the honeymoon; when things had settled down some.

The tuxes had been rented and the dresses had all been altered for the last time. Tim's tux sizes had been shipped from California and he and Renee were due to arrive the day after tomorrow. James realized, while driving home after a late shift at the store, that he was going to be married in four days. His heart beat rapidly and he was forced to pull his car over until the moment passed. James called Tim from the side of the road. He needed to talk to someone about the way that he was feeling. Tim and Renee had been married for almost eight months now and all Tim raved about was how happy he was and what a great time he and Renee were having. James knew Tim was not an expert on marriage with only eight months under his belt, but his friend had always spoken the truth to him and that is what James needed right now. Tim was always good for a dose of reality that sometimes didn't taste great and was always hard to swallow.

Tim answered after the second ring, "What's up my good friend? How goes it on the east coast? Another late night minding the store?"

James felt relieved just to hear his friend's voice.

"Yup, another evening of slinging salami and dishing desserts" he replied with a smile that could be heard through the phone.

James' part time job was far from glamorous but it helped pay the bills. He worked evenings (and sometimes late into the night) at one of the local twenty-four hour supermarkets in town. He worked the deli counter that was a far cry from the days of meats and cheeses behind glass. The "deli" counter that James helped man was stocked with hot and cold prepared foods, desserts, salads, seafood and of course an excessive selection of lunchmeats and cheeses. James and a team of three or four other people were stationed behind the seemingly endless varieties of foods, each serving the customers needs as their ticket numbers were called.

"Ah, yes. The slung salami. I'm sure you are a hit with all the ladies" Tim joked.

"And they love my American cheese too," James added.

"What has you calling me at such a late hour deli man?" Tim questioned.

"I just needed to hear you say that everything is going to be okay. I think I am having a little bout of cold feet if you will" James replied.

"That is to be expected Jimmy-my-boy. No man is ever fully prepared to suddenly be a husband. Marriage is a full time job, much more than slicing meats and scooping macaroni salad. You have every right to feel a little nervous about the whole idea. You wouldn't be a man if you didn't suddenly have doubts. Shit, I bet Sheila sitting at home thinking the same thing, except she really needs to reconsider. But you, you can't do any better" Tim laughed heartily at his own joke.

"Very funny Griz. She'd never find better than me" James responded in kind.

"Yeah, if that helps you sleep at night. Listen. Are you still sure Sheila is the one for you? And do you want her to be your wife for the rest of your life?" Tim asked.

"Of course," James started to say. "Good. Then it is settled. Stop questioning the what ifs. If you spend all of your time doing that, then you are going to miss the good stuff."

James thought about it for a moment; he tried to let the words that Tim was saying sink in.

"James, you are a great guy and Sheila should be honored to have a dumb-ass like yourself marrying her. Hell, I'd marry you if Renee wasn't so friggin' hot!" Tim exclaimed.

James laughed at that and suddenly felt at ease.

"Seriously Matheson, you have a wonderful girl that is going to be your wife. She loves you to the ends of the earth, God only knows why, but really, you guys are going to be just fine. You work through it together and if you continue on like that, nothing can stop you."

James knew why he had called Tim in the first place, "Thanks Griz, you always know how to talk me down."

Tim chuckled, "No problemo senor, that is what I am here for" and with that both friends laughed at Tim's pathetic Mexican accent.

"When is your flight again Griz?"

"We fly in around eight pm the day after next. You better have that bed made for us, I ain't sleeping on that freakin' futon bed again" Tim said.

"What's wrong with that futon? I love that thing."

"Then _you_ sleep on it. I hate that bed more than I hate your cooking, and you are a really bad cook."

James was a horrible cook; he once made flank steak that tasted like hot dogs. Sheila was sweet; she ate all of her helping and smiled the whole time. It had been James' dad, who was over for dinner that night, who pointed out the awful meal.

"Alright, if you insist. I will have the chambermaid turn down the bed in the guest suite for you" James joked.

"You start talking like that and Sheila will have your head" Tim responded quickly, "and you headless at the church will not be a pretty sight."

"No, I guess it wouldn't," James replied, "well, I will let you go Griz. Thanks for the talk. I really appreciate it."

"No problem man. That is what I am here for."

****

James sat impatiently through the evening traffic as he mentally prepared for the news he was about to receive from the neurologist. James had a bad feeling about his diagnosis. He had been experiencing head aches for at least six months and they had grown continually worse over the last couple of weeks. He had initially blamed the pain on work; stress has to be the culprit he thought. But the head aches worsened over time and even the heaviest medications prescribed didn't touch the pain. When James' family doctor recommended a cat scan and further neurological evaluations, he knew there could be something seriously wrong with him. James' attitude towards life and his well-being had changed over the last couple of months and he felt he had little to be upbeat about. His physical condition compounded with his already fragile mental state only made life that much less tolerable most days. He had suffered a lot of loss and sorrow over the last year; the pain was taking its toll. James' father had suffered a stroke earlier in the year, at the age of fifty-five, and it had left him debilitated to the point of needing constant medical care. He also lost an uncle last fall who had committed suicide due to a long time battle with depression. The man had been very close to James his entire life. This had made James very aware of his family's medical history and his personal outlook wasn't very positive. His mother had died of cancer and her mother before her had passed away from the same tragic disease. James' father had suffered his stroke and was battling an early onset of Alzheimer's. James' paternal grandfather had also suffered from Alzheimer's at an early age and had died sad, confused and mentally alone.

James watched the surge of cars around him and wondered about his life and where it was going. He had experienced more than his share of grief in his life and he tried desperately to find the happy times intertwined with the sorrow. He smiled at the thought of his children. They had added such happiness to his sad existence and he truly wanted the best for them and wished he could give them more then he already did. James regretted many things he had done in the past and when he thought of his girls it just made the guilt stronger. He wanted to be a better man. James wanted to be all that they needed him to be and he already felt like he had failed them. He had failed his wife and he had failed his daughters. That was something that weighed heavily on his mind. They needed more from him and he knew that it was already too late for him to change the things that he had done.

Turning the radio up, he tried to drown out the thoughts running through his head. It had become a mental obsession for James to replay his indiscretions in life and internally beat himself up about all of his wrong doings. It was very unhealthy, he knew that, but he couldn't find a release from those tormenting thoughts.

A song came on the radio that made James recall a moment in his life when he was truly happy.

_"...she's got my nose, she's got her mama's eyes. My brand new baby girl, she's a miracle. I saw God today..._ "

The words that George Strait sang touched James' wounded heart and brought a faint smile to his face.

****

The weather had just started to change from winter to spring. The air was warmer and the ground was slowly thawing under the warm sun. Always with the change of seasons came the "honey-do" list. James' list of household chores had grown with their new arrival on the way. James had been working late hours in the nursery and spending most his free weekends preparing the house for a baby. He was in the final stretch of his student teaching and had a really good lead for an open science teaching position with the local high school. James had been teaching during the days and still working nights at the market, so his stress level was exceedingly high as Sheila's due date came closer.

It was late afternoon on a cool, dry Saturday when Sheila screamed for him to come as quickly as he could. James had been in the basement of their small colonial house on Baker Street, when he slammed his head into the low-hanging heater pipes trying to get out of the cellar. He bounded up the stairs, two at a time, rubbing his throbbing forehead and yelling for Sheila; asking if she was okay. A cold sweat had broken out over his entire body and he imagined the worst as he rounded the top of the steps and headed for the closed bedroom door.

Stopping short of barreling down the door, James stood panting at the threshold waiting for his wife's response to his inquiries.

Sheila very calmly answered him in a soft tone that made James ponder her urgency just moments ago.

"James?" she asked almost as if she didn't think it was him on the other side of the door.

"Sheila. Are you okay? Is everything alright honey?" he asked as he tried to calm his suddenly fraying nerves.

"Everything is fine sweetie, but I think we need to go to the hospital."

James' heart sank, Sheila was due any day now, and they had both been waiting anxiously for something to happen.

They had attended the classes and they had packed the bag in preparation, but when faced with the real thing, James' knees went weak and he rested his weary head against the closed door.

"James, did you hear me sweetie?" she asked politely.

"Are you sure everything is okay? Is something wrong Sheila, is the baby okay?"

His thoughts were automatically on the worst again and he couldn't help worrying about his wife and their first child.

"James," she said gently "everything is fine. I think my water just broke and I am having contractions so, I think that means we should probably go the hospital now."

James knew she was just trying to remain calm so that he would not lose his head but her attempts at soothing him failed and he started to panic.

"Are you sure your water broke? Are you sure everything is okay? What do we need to do Sheila? What do I need..." he stammered, but she cut him off quickly.

"James," she said a little more firmly "everything is fine honey. Me and the baby are okay. I am having contractions James, and we need to go to the hospital. I need you to get the bag from the closet and make sure you have your wallet and cell phone. Can you do that sweetie?"

His mind was racing and her soft tone was growing sterner as she spoke.

"James, I need you to get it together and help me out here. I am going to need a new pair of panties and some sweat pants. Please get them for me. Grab the bag and let's go."

James focused all of his attention on what she requested of him and tried not to worry too much about anything else.

The two of them had been married for a little over a year now. The news of a baby had come quite unexpectedly but both of them were excited by the thought of bringing a little one into their life. So far, married life had been treating them very well. James was student teaching now, and a semester away from graduating. Sheila had landing a very cushy job with a local law office and she was the best damn legal aide that James knew of. She had cut back her hours at the office, and James had picked up more at the store. He was running ragged most days, but it was what needed to happen in preparation for the baby.

They had found the house they were living in, from a friend of Sheila's. The girl's grandmother had passed away suddenly and the family needed to sell the house quickly to cover medical and funeral costs. James and Sheila fell in love with the small house as soon as they both saw it. It was small, there was no denying that but they filled that little house with love, and when the baby finally arrived, the house would be over-flowing with love. They had converted the second bedroom into the nursery, and with only two bedrooms in the house, when Tim and Renee came to stay; it was the futon again for them.

The two couples had remained close and visited as often as possible. James had taken some time during the winter break and they had flown out to California. Their visits were always so pleasant and enjoyable. No "keeping-up-with-the-Jones'" for either couple, just friends sharing good times with laughter and love. Tim and Renee hadn't given much thought to kids, they had discussed it, but both were content with having each other in their lives; they thought a child would be change what they had. Both Tim and Renee were very excited for the arrival of James' and Sheila little one, and pulled no punches about spoiling the little bundle of joy before it was even born. It hadn't been a week since they were home from their visit on the West Coast, and a package arrived addressed to the parents to be. Tim and Renee had sent a care package for the baby; it included the bedding they had registered for, multiple unisex outfits (complete with matching booties and hats), diapers, creams, burp clothes and blankies. The note enclosed was addressed to Sheila specifically. It read.

Sheila, here are some things both Renee and I decided you might need for that beautiful new baby, whenever it decides to join us. Please tell James, I hope it does not look like him. Love, Tim and Renee.

That is the way it had always been with them; very giving of themselves and never expectant in return. Sheila had cried over the cute little clothes and from that point forward, shifted all focus on baby preparations.

James had spent the next couple of months striping wall-paper and painting the nursery.

"The ceiling fan needs to be replaced and I think the windows need re-caulked too" Sheila had said, just giving James more work to do.

He spent many late nights painting bleary eyed after long days at school and then the store in the evenings. When it was all said and done, the nursery looked great and they felt that they were going to be as ready as they ever were for this baby.

They reached the hospital in one piece. James was frantic; he was a jumbled wreck of frayed nerves and worried thoughts. Sheila had stayed calm and made him help her focus on breathing through the contractions and focus on the road. They were sent immediately to labor and delivery upon arrival. The staff was warm and welcoming, and very calm. James could not understand why no one was rushing to get his baby out. Sheila was still breathing through her contractions while the nursing staff slowly prepped her and got her situated in a delivery suite. James couldn't stand still, he tried to help Sheila feel comfortable but it was at that point, during one of her contractions, that she told him to leave her alone, that he was bothering her. James didn't take offense to the insult, and only wanted the delivery team to get in there and get the baby.

One of the nurses that tended to Sheila's needs that day was a large, dark-skinned nurse with a loud voice and beautiful smile.

"Mr. and Mrs. Matheson?" she asked.

James replied, "Yes that's us."

The nurse smiled at him politely, "My name is Ruth and I am going to help you deliver your baby today. Now there is nothing to get excited about right now. Your water has broken and it does appear that you are having some slight contractions, but you are not fully effaced yet so this may take some time."

James was not comforted by the nurse's smooth tone.

"Wait, she isn't ready to have the baby? Is that what you are saying? She is in pain right now. Can't you do something about that? Ruth, my wife is having a baby and you tell us we have to wait?"

Sheila turned to James and very calmly said, "James, sit down and be quiet. Listen to what the nurse has to say and deal with it."

James sat down and looked at Sheila; he loved her so much and didn't want anything to happen to her or their baby.

"Mr. Matheson, may I call you James?" Ruth asked.

"Yes," he replied.

"James. We will do everything we can to make your wife comfortable and we will also do everything in our power to speed this process up, but nature has it's own course sometimes and we just have to wait it out. Now, you need to concentrate on making sure your wife is breathing through these early contractions and make sure you are doing everything you can make her comfortable too and not piss her off" with that said, Ruth smiled and left the room.

James looked at Sheila and told her she loved her.

She returned the sentiment and reached for his hand.

"James, I know you are worried about me, but it is going to be okay. They know what they are doing and we just have to let them tell us what to do."

Her face pinched as she started to experience another contraction. James stood up close to her side and took her hand. They breathed through the contraction together until it subsided. Sheila smiled at James and it was then that he realized he wanted to be no where else in the world at the moment.

The labor progressed over the next couple of hours and by that evening Sheila was fully effaced and pushing for the doctor. It took a little over an hour of pushing, which seemed like forever to James. He could see the pain on Sheila's face and knew that she was the strongest person he had ever met. The nursing staff was great through the whole process and at eight fifteen, Miranda Jane was born. She was the most beautiful creature James had ever laid eyes on. Her little hands and feet, her pouty little face was perfect. Sheila cried when she held her for the first time and James knew he would never forget the look in her eyes when she turned to him and told him she loved him. That baby in her arms was his and that was more than he could have ever asked for. He loved Sheila so much at that very instant, that it was hard to believe that there would be any room in his heart for his newborn daughter.

James found that there was more than enough room in his heart for Miranda and her younger sister, when she joined the family three years later. James and Sheila had been blessed with two beautiful little girls. It always amazed James that you could love something so small for no reason. Yes, they were his children, but for no other reason than that; he would lay his life down for them. They had become his life; his girls meant the world to him. They were living their dreams out and James' thoughts of Karen and his conflicted heart troubled him very little as their family grew and they shared wonderful memories together.

****

James always smiled when he thought of his daughters and how they were growing up so fast over the years. Miranda was now five and sweet little Kayla was going to be two next month. James fought off the dark thoughts that threatened to take over his mind and tried to focus on the happier thoughts of his girls.

As James pulled into the parking lot of the medical building, the music on the radio had changed from a raucous honky-tonk jam about country girls to a slower, more soulful song about life and living for the moment. Tim McGraw sang _Live like you were Dying_ with emotion that touched your soul.

The words grabbed James and made him fight back tears as he pulled into an empty parking space.

"...and I loved deeper and I spoke sweeter and I gave forgiveness I'd been denying, and he said someday I hope you get the chance to live like you were dying..."

A message of hope, meant to challenge him to live a better life, caused James to break down in his car again. James sobbed against the steering wheel, his chest heaved as the tears flowed freely from his eyes. He knew what he was going to find out in the doctor's office and it scared him to death. James was not prepared for the news, he was sure no one could ready themselves. James shut off the car, cutting the song short and leaving him sitting in the silence of the falling rain. The sound was like a roar in his head, it almost made him wish the radio was back on; even if it was that awful song.

His head hurt.

The pain had only subsided to a dull, constant ache after taking the medicine at Leah's. Ignoring the pain, James reached for his keys and cell phone before exiting the car. He turned his collar up against the rain and moved across the parking lot to the office building behind him. It was dark now and all of the parking lot lights were illuminated. The rain refracted the beams of light and shadows danced in and around the cars. Each vehicle sat like a quiet beast; eyes dark; metal monsters asleep waiting for the turn of a key and the roar of its engine. James hung his head in an attempt to shy off some of the precipitation that had saturated the day. The rain fell at a steady interval and pelted the asphalt, creating ripples in puddles that covered the surface of the lot. James dodged the larger puddles and made his way through the parked cars to the entrance. Inside the large, warm lobby James shook off the rain from his coat and made his way to the elevators.

Dr. Wilhelm Greene and associates had offices on the fourth floor of the medical building. James was surprised at how young Dr. Greene turned out to be and how grounded he was. Being one of the best neurosurgeons on the east coast almost entitled him to have an air of arrogance and overwhelming ego issues, he came highly recommended by James' general practicioner. But Will was different; James knew that from the first moment he had met him.

It had actually been at a golf outing, James was one of three guys that needed a fourth to play through and Will happened to be just that guy. They had struck up a conversation, due to the fact that the other two guys playing with them were more interested in the beer cart and the beer cart girls. They talked of casual things and learned that they had a lot of things in common. They talked about politics and they talked about their jobs. James volunteered that fact that he liked to fish and Will happened to be a surf fisher. They shared fish stories and compared notes on different locations for the best fishing. The round of golf went quickly, both of them scoring way over par but not caring.

It was while after they met that James went to Will about the headaches he had been having. James hoped that he might have some insight into the pains. Will recommended that he come in and they would run some scans. That had been five weeks ago. James and Will had been fishing and had golfed twice more, it had turned out that they really enjoyed spending time together. James had gone in for the initial visit and some preliminary blood tests. After some more discussion, Will had ordered James to have some CT scans done.

That was three days ago.

James had received the call yesterday that Dr. Greene needed to see him and at James' first availability, he was to come in. James scheduled the appointment for the next evening and now here he was thinking about his family and listening to Elvis sing _Love Me Tender_ as he rides the elevator to the fourth floor.

****

Family life suited James and Sheila very well. The addition of the two girls into their lives had made their marriage that much stronger and their love for each other seemingly immeasurable. They had moved from the small house on Baker Street, to a much larger home over in the Griffin Heights section of town. Sheila had quickly moved up the ranks in her firm and was being compensated nicely for her daily contributions to the law firm. James had been with the high school for almost four years now, and enjoyed what he was doing. The house was a little out of their range but the money from the sale of his parent's house had helped.

James' dad had been in failing health for a couple of months and when the decision was made to not allow him to live alone anymore due to his mental lapses, James asked if he could move in with them. They had just purchased the new house and Sheila was very agreeable to allowing James' father to live with them. He had been retired for a couple of years now, due again to his failing mental health. It had started out as simple forgetfulness like where he put the keys or what he had for dinner the night before. The symptoms had quickly escalated to the point where he was forgetting lessons and missing classes, let alone not showering or shaving and wearing two different shoes to school.

James hated to see the decline that he father had experienced over the last couple of years, and was grateful to Sheila for allowing him to care for his father in their home and not having to put him in a care facility. It was hard with two little ones and Dad around, but they made it work. Sheila had taken to working from home three days a week, so she was home to care for the girls and watch over Dad, leaving only two days a week where the girls went to child care and a nurse had to come to the house to care for James' father. It wasn't that he needed constant medical care, it was far from that. The man was as healthy as a horse. He just needed some guidance when it came to bathing, remembering to eat, or just simple reminders of where he was and what he was doing.

James noticed times where he father was lucid for days at a time; playing solitaire on the home computer in the den, or taking walks with James and the girls. With those times of completeness, came times of absolute chaos. James' would find his father in the basement crying, calling out for James' mother Regina or his dad would sit for hours at a time and stare off into space. James found that conversations with his father became difficult at times. The same questions were asked again and again, his father would become confused about topics or what they had been discussing. He grew irritated and agitated when he couldn't come up with a word or thought he was trying to express. James' father was always sweet to the girls and Sheila so it was never a concern to James about having him live with them.

James' two daughters continued to amaze and astound him on a daily basis. He loved to watch them interact, Miranda now four and Kayla a little over one year old. His girls meant the world to him and he couldn't understand how anyone would want, or need, anything else out of life. He had it all, the nice house, the loving wife and beautiful children. James was giving back to his father by being able to care for him. James felt at peace for once in his life. His thoughts of Karen had faded to brief lapses of memories past; he felt that it was okay to be happy and content with his life. There was no longer a need to wonder about a lost love; he didn't feel that urge he had before to seek out that one thing in life that he may have missed out on.

****

The elevator deposited James out unto the fourth floor and to the medical offices of Dr. Wilhelm Greene and associates. That was what the sign said, but anyone who is or was a patient of theirs knew that Will ran this show and this was his practice. James made his way over the reception area and checked in with the young lady behind the desk.

"Please have a seat Mr. Matheson, Dr. Greene will be with you as soon as he is finished with his current patient" she stated very quietly.

James responded with a nod and brief smile, and then proceeded to take a seat in one of the oversized leather chairs that filled the waiting area.

James felt suddenly at ease; as if the news Will had for him was going to be inconclusive and he could go home and try to rest. The pain that silently rumbled through his head flared again, making him keenly aware of his situation and his happy thoughts left as quick as they came. James was paging through a magazine when Will came to the doorway and greeted him warmly.

"Still raining out there?" he asked, trying to keep the mood light.

"Yeah, it has been steady all day" James replied.

Things had changed in their relationship over the past week or so and James suddenly no longer wanted to be here or hear what Will had to tell him. He had once felt their friendship was a solid one, but he had learned otherwise.

Will led James down the hallway, past all of the exam rooms, to Will's private office. This was not your ordinary doctor's visit. James was not here for a check up or follow up exam, he was hear to find out about the results from his CT scan and latest blood work.

As Will ushered James in to the warmly lit office, a stark contrast to the harsh fluorescent lights of the hall, James settled on the fact that the news was very bad and this is why Will wished to see him right away.

"How have you been feeling James? Has the pain gotten any worse?"

James offered little response, just a deep shrug of his shoulders and nod of his head, _No_.

"That is understandable. Let's just get this over with and send you home to those beautiful girls of yours" Will stated.

James shrugged the comment off.

"Sheila has to work late and that the girls are at her mother's, so there's nothing to go home to tonight."

James did not feel bad lying to Will; he couldn't stand the truth about their relationship right now. Sheila was not working late, she hadn't "worked" late in a long time and the girls were not at her mom's. Sheila had left James three days before. He had gotten home from his CT scan and found the note.

It was brief, but her quick statements said all she needed to say.

" _James, I took the girls to my sister's with me. We will be staying here for a little while. You have changed. We have changed. You are not the man I married and I am not the woman you married. I hope we can work this out for the girls, but with her in your life, I do not see it happening."_

She had not signed the note; her quick sweeping words cut James deep.

They had been fighting; home life was not the greatest these last few weeks. James had allowed himself to get absorbed in everything else, neglecting his family and wife. He had not intended to tell Sheila of his recent medical issues, she was a worrier and that would have made things worse. He played the headaches off to stress, and he just went through the motions at home.

"I have to work late" he would tell her or "another seminar across town this weekend."

Between the two of them, the girls had spent a lot of time at their grandmother's house.

As he took a seat, Will's cell phone rang; he looked at the number and apologized. He told James he needed to take the call and it would only take a second. James let his mind wander again as Will answered the call.

He had done things all wrong, he had hurt too many people in his life and now had come the time when he may never be able to make those things right again. Sitting in Will's office, it hit James square in the face; the realization that all he had done over the past months and the impact it had on his family. James slumped forward and held his head in his hands.

James noticed that Will's conversation had become heated and the doctor was trying not to raise his voice.

"No you listen to me," Will exclaimed, trying not to shout, "Those boys are my sons and she had no right to do what she did."

James could not help but listen and wonder what it was in Will's past that had caused him to do the things he had. He realized that as good a friend as he had become, he knew very little about Will. For a brief instant James felt sorry for Will; not knowing what he had been through. On many levels James could not judge him for his actions, even if they involved his wife and family.

"No, No, NO! That is not what we discussed. You need to fix this problem immediately!" Will terminated the call and slammed the phone down on his desk.

He turned to James, "I am really sorry, that was very unprofessional of me."

"No need to apologize. We all have issues that we are dealing with" James replied.

Will nodded in agreement, "Yeah, I guess we do."

A wave of pain surged in James' skull, he winced from the pain.

"James, are you okay?" Will asked with guarded concern in his voice.

"I am fine Will, it is just that my head hurts and I just want to get home" James replied, "so, what is the verdict?"

James just put it out there, laid it all out and waited for Will to respond.

The neurosurgeon hesitated, as if he were weighing what to say.

"James, listen," he started, "you know we ran a battery of tests on you, including CT scans, the works."

James nodded, but stayed silent.

"James, I do not know how to tell you this, but you have a tumor" the doctor blurted out.

James sat stunned, aware of the words Will had just said, but unable to respond.

"James, it is a large tumor, and by all medical standards inoperable" Will stated.

James sat stone still, staring directly ahead of him. The news did not surprise him, but he felt shocked just the same. It was as if the final blow had just been dealt.

"It is cancer. And based on your blood work and T-cell counts, it may already be spreading so we are going to want to do more scans."

Will continued, "Now before you start to lose all hope here, there are treatments we can try," Will was stammering, he could see the blank look on James' face.

James could not and did not react, he sat staring at Will, hearing the words coming from his mouth but not comprehending. James had assumed this was, in fact, what he had been suffering from. He had researched brain tumors and a majority of the symptoms he had been experiencing were linked to some sort of tumor or legion of the brain.

"James, talk to me," Will begged, "I know this is a lot. I want to do everything I can to help you. I wish I could get in there and remove it, but it is, from what we can tell, a very aggressive astrocytoma. Most likely a Grade IV glioblastoma. This type of cancer has a rapid growth rate and affects 42% of adult brain tumor patients. Even with that, we still do have options, we can..."

Will could have gone on for hours about what type of tumor and their options. James cut him off abruptly, "how long do I have Will?"

The doctor looked hurt, as if James had slapped him.

"Will, please. Without treatment of any kind, how long do you give me?"

James knew that Dr. Wilhelm Greene was faced at that very moment with a very hard professional dilemma; he claimed to be James' friend but now he had to be his doctor.

This was different; Will knew that James wanted it straight, no filler.

"James, I can't be sure..." he started.

"No Will, don't give me any crap. You know what it looks like and you are familiar with this type of thing, how long do I have to live?" James asked bluntly.

James noticed Will looked instantly deflated, his confident air gone.

"Given the current state of the tumor and the potential for increased rapid growth, I would give you only weeks before you are in a medically induced coma for the pain or it incapacitates you completely."

James waited a moment and let that information sink in, "so I will be dead or as good as dead by the end of the month?"

It was now Will's turn to hang his head, "James, I am so sorry for this, but this doesn't have to be the end of it, we can try to fight it. There is radiation, there are chemicals that we could use to..."

James waved him off as he quickly stood up.

"Thanks Will. Thank you for being honest with me."

Will looked James directly in the eyes, "You are not alone on this, if the pain becomes too much, there are medications we can prescribe. There are other non-invasive ways to end your suffering."

James just looked at him blankly; there was nothing more he wanted to say to the man sitting in front of him.

Will continued, "If all of this gets to be too much for you, there is always the option of..." he lowered his voice to a whisper, "assisted suicide."

James could not believe what he was hearing, wouldn't that be exactly how Will would want this to end, no blood on his hands if James decided to off himself.

"I think I can handle myself Will, you have done enough."

Stunned silent, Will offered his hand but James just turned and left the office.

"Take care Will. You will be the first to know what happens to me." James oddly smiled and walked towards the door.

"Oh, and Will," James stated, turning in the doorway, "I did consider you a friend at one time, but you and I both know that I have reason to hate you."

James walked out of the office, leaving Will standing alone.

****

The call came late one night, and as soon as the phone rang, James knew it was bad news. He had a sick, dark premonition that something was terribly wrong.

James answered the phone as Sheila rolled over to see who could be calling so late at night. The person on the other end of the phone was Tim's father, Marc Greesley.

"James, I am so sorry to wake you with bad news but there has been a terrible accident and Tim, um, Tim has been killed..." the man's voice drifted off and James knew that he was stifling tears.

James was stunned and confused, "What happened Mr. Greesley? Are Renee and the baby alright?"

The older man on the other end cleared his throat and tried to gather his thoughts.

"Renee and the baby are stable, they were all rushed to St. Helen's, Tim was already dead and Renee was in labor. They got broad-sided by some asshole who ran the light, the impact punched in the driver's side, killing Tim and sending the car flying. I kept telling Tim to get a bigger car, but he insisted on that damn sissy hybrid of his, if he had been in a goddamn truck, none of this would've happened..." the man trailed off, ranting about the asshole behind the wheel.

James sat statue still on the edge of their bed, Sheila had moved next to him and by the look on her face, could tell that the news James was receiving was not good.

"What happened?" she mouthed to him but he didn't respond, he stared out across the room, barely hearing Tim's father on the other end of the phone.

"James, it is just awful, what is Renee going to do with that little baby all alone? I'll tell you what she will do, we will help her, Tim's mother and I, we'll give that baby everything Tim would have. That little boy deserves all the best that his daddy would have given him..."

James interrupted, "Boy? Did you say little boy?"

The old man sighed again, "I'm sorry James, I am babbling. Renee went into labor after the accident and she gave birth to Timothy Jr., our first grandson. He's a little premature and will have to stay in here for a while, but both he and his mom are doing fine. Renee is sleeping right now. She doesn't know about Tim, James. She doesn't know he's gone. How am I going to tell her? Oh God..."

Tim's father broke down again on the phone and James didn't have a clue as to what to say to him.

James had just gotten the news that his best friend was dead and that his friend's wife didn't yet know that her husband and father of their child was gone. The realization of it all crashed down on James like a wave and he could no longer hold the phone. He started to let it slip from his hands as his sobs welled up from deep within him and tears streamed down his face. Sheila caught the falling phone and James barely heard the words she spoke to Tim's father as he lost all control of his emotions.

They flew out for the funeral the next evening. Sheila's mother offered to keep the girls with her for a couple of days, which made traveling easier but the trip was still one of the saddest James had ever taken. Seeing Renee with her new baby boy was joyful, but to know underneath that happiness was a deep sadness, had a profound impact on James. He had dreaded seeing Renee; he had thought the sight of her would be more than he could handle, but once he was able to hug her and comfort her, he realized that she needed him and Sheila there. They helped with arrangements and cared for the house while Renee coped with her loss and her frequent trips back and forth to the hospital. The funeral happened on a Thursday, James would not soon forget the day he buried his best friend. He was a pallbearer along with Tim's father and some of Tim's cousins and co-workers. Standing at the coffin, James remembered the way he felt when his mother had died. She had battled cancer for years before she passed and those last weeks had been hard on them all. James could see her in her hospital bed in the living room, his father could not stand to have in the hospital anymore, so he hired a nurse and had mom come home to die. James could remember the way she smelled, the underlying stench of decay covered by the lilac perfume she loved so much. James was there when she passed, he was holding her hand. He could see the faint smile on her face as her chest raised and lowered for the last time. It had been the first time he had seen her smile in many months. His mother's death had been a terrible loss but also a blessing for both he and his father. Their lives had been taxed by her declining illness over the years, and their relationship was strained due to the constant care that she needed. They both missed her terribly and James could still feel the hurt left by her death.

Tim's death was different. A life cut short before it's time and with no warning. A young man soon to be a father killed so quickly without any explanation or reason. Not that there is ever has to be a reason for someone's death, but when someone dies from a terminal sickness, you have something to blame it on. Tim's death was so uncalled for and frustrating. The man that had been driving the car that hit them was drunk, way beyond any state limit for blood-alcohol levels. He was charged with vehicular manslaughter; sentenced to eight to ten years in prison and got out on parole after twenty-two months. James had thought about finding that man and killing him; the thought had crossed his mind on many occasions. He figured it would be a release, something to help him through the pain. He had mentioned that to Renee several months after the accident and she very calmly had told him he was crazy. There was no need to take another man's life for what had happened to Tim; she explained that the man who killed Tim would have to live with that for the rest of his life and if that was not punishment enough, that man had no soul. After a couple of years had passed since Tim's death, James had come to the conclusion that Renee seemed to be coping with the loss of her husband much better than James was coping with the loss of his best friend. He thought about Tim often, the times they had spent together and all of the life experiences that they had shared.

For months after Tim's funeral, James felt surrounded by loss and sorrow. He felt as if he was still coping with the loss of his mother in some ways and now he had to deal with the loss of someone else very important in his life. James struggled with his grief and anger alone. He rarely shared his feelings with anyone, even Sheila. He immersed himself in his work and spent way too much time away from his wife and children during that time when he needed their love the most. It was during that time of deep depression after Tim's death, that James really started to take a long hard look at his life and all of the things that had been taken away from him. He often thought of his mother and Tim, but his thoughts also strayed to Karen. She had become a constant in James' thoughts again and began to resent all that he had in his life; he resented not pursuing what his heart had told him years ago, felt right. He had walked away from Karen that day because he thought that was what was expected of him. He went back to Sheila knowing that everyone expected them to be together; to get married and have kids. James had come to realize that Tim had been right so many years ago. He had told James that he needed to realize what his heart wanted and to go after it. James should not have passed Karen off as a fling; he should not have ignored how his heart felt about her. They had shared something very special that had touched James deep to his core. He had never really been rid of Karen; she was always there with him. She was a constant reminder of what could have been. She was the one that James had let go from his life. James felt like she was the missing piece to his puzzle, the one reason he could never find true happiness in his life. He was very content with the life that he and Sheila had and he loved her and the girls very much. But it was the constant feeling that seemed to come from his bones, the one that ate at him, that made him realize that he may never find that true love again. James was almost certain that what he had shared with Karen was more than a lustful infatuation. He and Karen had connected on a deeper level that neither of them totally understood at the time. James had given plenty of thought to what Tim had told him about her actions after he had left camp, and decided that he could only get the truth from her. He felt in his heart that she had only sought out the company of another because the she had felt the loss as strongly as James did after he returned home. He had Sheila to go back to; he had her love to use as a crutch. It was clear to James that Karen had nothing to go back to and he couldn't imagine the hurt she must have felt at his leaving. As hard as it had been on James, it must have been that much worse for her.

He decided then, that he needed to try and get in touch with her. He needed to know what she had felt that summer and if she had been as affected as he was by the time they had shared. James knew that it was absurd and very unrealistic that anything would ever change in his life now, but just knowing how she had felt about him may help settle his mind and heart.

****

Back in his car and heading across town, James did not turn on the radio. He listened instead, to the sound of the world around him. The thrum of the tires on the road, the flip-flap beat of the wipers as they cleared the windshield and the sound of the rain as it fell from the sky upon his car roof.

James had been expecting the news Will had given him. He had felt deep inside that something was very wrong with him and that it was not going to be good news. James thought of his family, thought of Sheila and the girls at her sister's house, he wondered what she had told them. How had she explained that they were going away from daddy and that they had not spoken to him in several days? That is what hurt the most, not the fact that Sheila had left and that she knew about Leah, but that he had not spoken to or seen his girls. They meant the world to him and he never meant to hurt them; he realized that he had not thought of them enough when he decided to do the things he did. Much of James' pain came from knowing that he had ruined what life he did have for the chance to have what he thought he was missing in his life. He had made many mistakes in his life and couldn't remember a time when there wasn't something in his life he regretted not doing or regretting all the things he had done.

James could feel the tears welling up in his eyes as he drove; his next stop was going to be the hardest of the day. James drove down one rain soaked street after another, towards Maple Glen Nursing and Care Facility.

James' father had suffered a mild stoke last year that left him semi-paralyzed on his left side and quite immobile. The decision to put him in a care facility after he had spent several years living with them had been especially difficult. Sheila had been the one to help James through it all; she had been by his side and helped him realize that it was best for his father to have the constant care that they could not provide him. James and Sheila had decided on Maple Glen because in was close to them and because it was an affordable option based on what James' father's insurance would pay for. James had not been totally sold on the care staff or the doctor's that would be caring for his father, but they seemed nice enough and his father always seemed content when he visited.

The visit tonight was not going to be easy. James knew that his father, if he was having a good day, would be able to sense the burden that James was carrying and James would not be able to keep it from him. When James entered his father's room, the lights were dim and his father sat facing the window watching what he could only know through the glass. James had bumped into one of the nurses on the way in and he had explained that Mr. Matheson had been having a rough day; seemed he couldn't get control of his emotions. James took a deep breath and entered his father's room. Simply furnished, the room had but one visitor's chair, a straight back recliner for James' father, a small closet and dresser for his clothes which he rarely wore and the bed. The ceiling lights were off and the bed side lamp was the only light softly glowing in the room. The long hallway passed the private bathroom allowed little of the stark corridor lights to penetrate into the room.

James approached his father and placed his hand on his shoulder.

James' father immediately reached up with his right hand and placed it over James'.

"I had hoped you would come tonight" he slurred; his speech had been affected by the stroke and made it very difficult to understand him some days.

James smiled at his father and took a seat next to him by the window.

"It's raining pretty hard out there, been raining like that all day" James said.

"Fred tells me you are not having a good day, are you okay?"

James' father slowly turned his face towards James; his facial features had slowly started to fall southward and he looked permanently sad and long in the face.

"James," he stated slowly "how long has your mother been dead?"

James replied quietly, "it's been almost twenty years Dad."

His father just turned back to the window and gazed out into the rain quietly.

James noticed that his father looked tired and run down. For a man of his age, he should not have looked so exhausted; as if life had taken its complete toll on him. James could remember a time when his father was full of vigor, full of life. He had been an avid fisherman; passing that passion on to James. James' father had also loved his job and enjoyed molding the young minds of tomorrow, as he used to say. But now he just looked spent, out of the energy to go on. The spark that had faded when James' mother passed was all but gone from the ailing man's eyes that James saw before him.

"I miss her James. I miss her something terrible. She was my life, she gave me you and she was my one and only. I loved her with every ounce of my being and I still love her more than I can fully understand," he paused to catch his breath, "James, I love you son. I can see that you have a lot on your mind. I have noticed the last couple times you have come to see me. You are a good man and you have a wonderful family James. I am an old man who is weary and tired. I know I have good days and bad, seems like mostly bad, but today she just won't leave me alone. I can see her everywhere I look. I miss her James, I miss her."

James looked at his father with a combination of sadness and jealously.

He was saddened by his father's health and its decline over the past couple of weeks, and it was times of complete clarity like this that really made James worry for his father. James knew that even during his worst moments of confusion, there was the man he knew trapped deep inside his own mind, lost and confused. At the same time, James found himself envious of his father's love for his long deceased wife. James parents had found that true love you read about in books and saw on the movies; they were the fairytale romance that would last forever and James had always wanted that for himself. Sheila had always been by his side and had loved him through it all, but why had that not been enough in the end. James thought he had figured it out; figured out exactly what he had needed and wanted out of life and had moved past the long-distant memories of that summer with Karen, until he met Leah and she changed everything.

****

James spent the next couple of weeks trying to locate Karen. He tried everything from cold calls from the phonebook to internet friend sites. He had little to no luck tracking down the girl from his past. He was determined to find her. He had to know how she felt about him and if what transpired between them that summer was as real as he thought it was. He started constantly dreaming of her again and focusing on anything else in his life. Karen had once again taken over his mind and controlled his thoughts. He could not shake the way she had made him feel back then; the way they had connected on such a deep unconscious level. She had left her indelible mark on his soul. James could not change how she had affected his life; he could only look to better understand why he felt the way he did for her.

After multiple dead-ends and fail attempts, James' hope of located Karen and reconnecting seemed like a lost cause. With each unsuccessful turn, James fell deeper and deeper into a depression. Home life suffered. The stress of having his father living with them was taking its toll as well. He had become more dependent and the nursing bills were starting to become a burden. He and Sheila were distant from each other and she seemed more and more interested in the kids or work, than ever wanting to spend time with James. He felt completely confused about where his life needed to go. He was unsure of how the rest of the story was supposed to play out if he was uncertain of why he was there in the first place. He cared for Sheila very much and his girls had to be two of the best things that had ever happened to him. Seemingly surrounded by happiness, James still lived with a dark cloud over him. He could not stop feeling like he made a mistake and the rest of his life would be spent wondering what went wrong. He battled with himself on a daily basis about how he was going to work through all of these questions he was struggling with. James wished beyond all else that Tim was still alive. Tim had a way of helping James see the big picture and always helped James through the tougher times in his life. With no one to talk to about his feelings, James remained stuck dealing with all of his inner demons alone. James went on about his life seeking that one thing that he was certain would make him understand all that he was feeling. It was not until the beginning of the new school year that James found something to occupy his weary heart.

Leah Chambers came to the high school as a new guidance counselor for the incoming freshman class. James had heard that there was a new staff member but did not meet her until the third week of classes. The buzz around the faculty lounge was that the new counselor was beyond fine. At least that is how Gary Franken described the new staff member to his fellow male co-workers. All of James' fellow testosterone driven cohorts shared similar stories of how stunning the new girl was. Apparently she appeared to be just out of grad school and her legs didn't know how to quit, paraphrasing one of the shop teachers. James had no interest in the new counselor or her hotness, he just wanted to mind his own business and be left alone. He had taken to doing a pretty good job of staying under the radar and out of everyone else's business, but it seemed that someone had other plans for him.

James was sitting outside at lunch when he had the pleasure of meeting the new counselor for the first time. James was unsure of what he felt when she had approached him as he sat alone, eating his lunch and enjoying the cool afternoon breeze. He was certain that she was gorgeous; hands down one of the prettiest women he had ever met. Her smile was contagious, as if the reason she was smiling had to be enough reason for you to smile too. She was wearing a form fitting sleeveless sundress with her hair tied back in a loose ponytail. Her eyes were a color green James could swear he had never seen before that day. She asked if he minded if she joined him at the table and he could barely utter a response in return. It came upon him quick, something down inside of him warmed at the sight of her. He could not explain it, but her presence there at the table with him made his head swim.

"So you are the new freshmen counselor right?" he asked, "My name is James Matheson, I teach earth science and biology."

She smiled that unbelievable smile again, "Yes, I am the new counselor; my name is Leah. Pleasure to meet you."

He could see in her face that she wanted to say more but she held back.

"I hope I am not disturbing you" she continued, "but I had noticed you at last week's faculty meeting and realized that you were one of the few teachers I had not yet met."

She looked directly into him; it felt as if she was gazing at his soul.

James could not quite put his finger on what he was feeling at that moment. His skin tingled and the little hairs on the back of his neck seemed to crawl on their own.

"Well," he replied, "here I am."

He smiled and it felt awkward.

She was staring into his eyes, seemingly consuming everything she could about him. James was unnerved by this beauty sitting across the table from him.

"Yup," she smiled, "here you are."

Several moments passed before either of them said a word to each other. James tried to act calm and collected, but when he did try and speak again, his thoughts were jumbled.

"So," he stated, "where did you go to school?"

"I attended Villanova for my undergraduate studies and then finished my master's at Penn State."

"Both very good schools. I also attended classes at PSU" he replied.

"Go Lions" she said as she pretended to wave her pretend pennant in the air.

"Ah yes, the mighty blue and white!" he exclaimed.

"So, are you from the area?" he asked.

"No, not originally. I grew up in a little town outside of Baltimore. A little town called Beckenwood, have you heard of it? I am sure you haven't."

James had indeed never heard of such a town outside of Baltimore, but it didn't matter, he just liked to hear her talk.

"No, I cannot say I have ever heard of Beckenwood, sorry" he replied.

"Oh, that is okay, you are not missing much. Just a sleepy old farm town with more pigs per square mile than people."

She smiled when she said that and it made something inside James crumble.

There was a look in her eyes that called to him, his heart cried out; yearning to know her. Sitting there with her, James realized she was different. There was something special about her. He could not help but feel that he knew her from somewhere. She seemed like someone he once knew, like an old friend from his past. They continued to talk about non-sense for the rest of their lunch period like old friends. Talking with her came too easy; sharing his life with her and opening up was almost natural to him. They lunched together quite often after that. It became a routine for the two of them to sit and talk their entire lunch period. James found himself looking forward to the nest time he would see her and just get to talk.

Ever since meeting Leah at lunch that first day, James could not stop thinking about her. She controlled his thoughts, haunted his dreams. He could not get the eerie feeling out of his head that they had met before. He was overwhelmed by the undeniable power she had over him. He found himself making it a point to pass by her office trying to catch a glimpse of her. He found himself thinking about her even when with Sheila; which wasn't often due to the amount of extra time she had been spending at the office lately. But that was no excuse for the thoughts that he had been having recently, and couldn't help but feel guilty. Sheila was a good wife and he didn't want to hurt her or the girls, but he just couldn't stop thinking about Leah and the way she made him remember what it was like to feel passion and excitement. It seemed as though she had awakened something inside of James that had been asleep for many years.

****

The rain seemed to beat at the window, begging to be let in.

James sat quietly by his father's side and watched the older man doze off. He took this moment to reflect on all of the day's events. He had expected the news from Will, he expected to feel anger for him but he had not been prepared for the feeling of sadness that overcame him when he thought about Sheila's life after James was gone. It hurt too much to think about what the girls would do without him, so he didn't think of those things, but he had thought about Sheila after Will had confirmed James' suspicions. Would she continue her relationship with Will? It seemed that Will had no issue stealing a dying man's wife, but would he ever be able to tell her he knew that James was dying? James wondered if it had just been coincidence that he had met Will that day on the golf course. Had he already been courting his wife behind his back? Thinking of all of these things made his head hurt more. James just wanted what was best for Sheila from now on. He realized that he had not been the best husband and if he could not provide her with what she needed in life, then why not Will? He was a successful neurologist; very intelligent and well educated. But at the same time, he was a man that willing committed adultery with a dying man's wife; a man that befriended and medically treated a man while he slept with his wife.

Sheila deserved much better than what Will had to offer, it sickened James to think of her spending the rest of her life with a guy like that. James knew he had wronged her, but for Will to do what he did knowing James' condition disturbed him. It was there sitting next to his ailing father that something stuck James as odd. It could have been that he was tired, or that the tumor in his brain was finally affecting his thought process, but any other time James had been in the office with Will, there had always been someone else there. A nurse or an attendee was always on hand taking notes. Tonight, in the office, it had just been Will and himself. Will had taken the phone call prior to talking to James and then told him the news of his tumor alone. Why had he done that? Why had Will called him and told him to see him right away, why had it been so urgent to tell someone they had brain cancer and where going to die? Will's reaction to the news bothered James too. For a man that falsely claimed to be his friend, Will showed little or no emotion towards James when he told him about the cancer. A slick dirty feeling crept in James' mind and he tried to shake it off. What if Will had pursued Sheila knowing James was sick, in hopes of being there when he passed. James scoffed at the thought, but stranger things had happened.

James' father started to stir in his chair and he whispered for water. James held the cup of ice water to his father's mouth and helped the old man take a drink. A small amount dribbled from the elderly man's lip as he sucked on the straw slowly. After he was finished, he waved the cup away with his good hand and turned his eyes towards the darkened window once again. James put the cup back on the side table and sat next to his father in the quiet room.

****

James had stationed himself in the back store room for the science department during one of several in-service days held for the teachers and staff. They had completed their department meeting early and James had decided to use the rest of the day to check over supplies and inventory for the year. The student body had been released early from school for the day and the school was quiet. Most teachers took this opportunity to head home themselves after the meeting, but James took the time to try and better his standings with John Fellows, the department head. John was a bull-headed ass with no idea how to teach let alone run a department. His ways were old and out-dated, and his time was short. James had low seniority within the science staff but was looking to offer his hat into the ring when it came time to fill John's position as department head. James was no brown-noser but every little bit helped when trying to outshine fellow faculty members. Sorting through old text books was not James' idea of fun, especially when he knew the girls were going to be at Sheila's mom's for the day and he could easily hit a fishing hole or two on the way home. But, he knew that this inventory needed to get done and no one else was willing to do it for Fellows.

James heard a noise from the hallway and was actually startled when he realized that he was no longer alone in the storage room.

Leah had appeared in the doorway and was watching him with a queer look on her face.

"Ms. Chambers, I do believe you startled me," he said trying to sound suave and not knowing why.

"I am sorry; I didn't mean to scare you. I knew that you were staying behind this afternoon and thought I would come say hi."

She moved slowly into the room, closer to James.

He could feel his heart start to race. This was an absolute shock to him, why he was feeling this way, he hadn't felt that rush since in so long. He could see a certain look in Leah's eyes; the kind of look that any man would want a beautiful woman to give him. He thought of his life and the people he loved that would be hurt by anything inappropriate that he may do.

Leah moved carefully closer and inquired about what exactly he was doing.

"I am counting ancient text books, if you want to know the truth. Mr. Fellows feels in pertinent that we keep all out-dated versions of old text books for reference reasons..." he replied.

His train of thought trailed off as he made eye contact with her and realized that she was staring right at him.

"I am terribly sorry James, but there is something about you that makes me want to be close to you," she blurted out quickly, "I just have this weird sense that you and I knew each other. Ever since we first met I couldn't shake this feeling you gave me."

James' heart sank; she had just stated the same feelings that he had been feeling himself. He couldn't get it out of his head that he had known Leah Chambers previously and he wanted to learn more about her.

James cleared his throat and adjusted his posture so that he was now facing Leah in the cramped room. With his wide shoulders pinned between the wooden shelves, James took up most of the small storage room himself.

"Um, this could be quite awkward if someone were to come back here right now, wouldn't it?" he stammered.

His head was spinning out of control, here was this beautiful woman engaging him in the science storage room and he couldn't think of a thing to say other than that.

"You're right, I am sorry. You are a married man and I shouldn't be acting like this. It is my fault, not yours, please forgive me," she replied and quickly turned, leaving the storage room as fast as she had appeared.

James stood up, dumbfounded for several seconds before he moved.

He did not know what to do at that moment; things were going great with Sheila at home. He could not have been happier with her and the life that they had made. But, this woman had come out of nowhere and made him question everything about his life and how his heart felt. Karen had permanently scarred his heart forever that much he was sure of. Her brief moment in his life had changed James and made him constantly question who he was and what love really was. He now stood in the dusty storage room wondering what on earth he was doing and why his heart and mind seemed to betray him.

The e-mails between the two of them started after that day in the storage room. She had written him a quick note apologizing for her actions and hoping that they could still be friends. The relationship started slow from there and as the weeks passed, their notes to each other became more intimate and personal. Their lunches together became longer and their glances in the hall became almost flirty and inappropriate. James had been working extra hours one evening to catch up on some quarterly exam grading when he was surprised again by Leah's appearance at his side. She slipped him a quick note and walked away. James read the note and could hardly believe what it proposed. He knew that he had been leading her on with his e-mails and his boyish behavior, but he couldn't help himself. She made him feel something that he hadn't felt in a long time. She made his heart race like it hadn't raced for years. This feeling was exciting and new, but what she had written in that note was about to make everything about their relationship different.

****

James smiled at his father who sat staring out the rain soaked window; he loved his father very much and only hoped that he could find some peace within his mind to help him through the emotions that he was struggling with.

"Are they still feeding you alright? You're taking your meds like they tell you to, right?" he asked his father quietly.

His father turned back to him but something had changed.

"James?" he asked, "When did you get here? I was waiting for your mother, have you seen her?"

James couldn't respond.

He knew his father was lapsing mentally again; his moment of lucidity was gone.

"James? Did you hear me? Where is your mother James? She should have been here by now, we need to get to the auditorium for the rehearsal..." his father continued, growing more agitated by the minute.

"Dad, calm down. Mom is..."

"No, I will not calm down young man! Your mother knows how important tonight is to me! She needs to be here now. Your uncle Phil is going to be there and so is Freddie James. This night is very important to me, where is she? Oh, I know. She is probably out with Gene, that lying, wife stealing sack of shit. I'll kill him and her. Where the hell is she!" he screamed.

James stood up and tried to soothe his father, but to no avail.

The older man was very upset and didn't want to hear anything James tried to say to him.

"No! Don't try and tell me to calm down. Your mother is a two timing hussy and I am going to be the one to change that. Damn it, where is she..." he muttered to himself as he started to cry.

"Dad, please..." James started to say but his father quickly cut him off.

"No Gene, just go, I don't need you around me or my wife, just go." James was hurt by his father's words.

"Dad, it's me James, are you going to be okay?" he asked.

"I'll be fine Gene," his father said sniffling, "just go you lying bastard, just go!"

With that, the old man turned away from James and sobbed deeply into his long, arthritic hands.

James turned from his father and walked out of the room. At the doorway he paused and looked back at his father.

"Goodbye Dad, I love you more than you will ever know."

James walked to his car as the rain once again started to fall harder and the wind whipped, threatening to tear the leaves from their branches.

****

James sat at his desk during sixth period, looking at an e-mail that Leah had just sent him. He had just gotten off the phone with Sheila and she had once again told him that he would have to pick the girls up from daycare because she was going to be held up in a meeting across town for most of the evening. He wondered if she had started to suspect anything. She had been so busy with work; James would have been surprised if she noticed anything that happened at home. James understood she had a career to pursue and he took full advantage of the time Sheila was occupied with work.

He and Leah had been seeing each other for several months now and going into the summer it looked like it was just going to get easier for him and Leah to get away together. He remembered the note she had given him that changed everything about their relationship and why he had gone back to the storage room like the note had asked. He had wanted to feel the way he did inside. He had wanted that excitement and rush to overtake him. Sheila was his wife and he loved her dearly, and their girls mean the world to him, but he couldn't help how his heart felt. He had not felt this way since Karen and it seemed that he never would have again until Leah came into his life. She was young and vivacious. She had an energy about her that made him quiver with excitement. He found himself yearning to be near her and when he was able to hold her, he felt drunk on her passion and revitalized by her love. He found himself lusting for Leah more and more as the days went on. Every chance he got to have with her was exciting and new; like the first kiss or a new touch from a new lover.

Leah had expressed interest, via her e-mail, in getting together this afternoon for a quick meeting at her place. James had grown accustomed to their afternoon rendezvous. He had told Sheila take he had taken over mentoring the debate team and that more of his afternoons would be taken up. Sheila continued to be very busy with her work, and like ships in the night, their lives passed by without a word spoken. Weekends were busy with grading papers for James and Saturday meetings for her. Trips to the playground or the zoo had become very infrequent and it broke James' heart. It amazed James how much Sheila was working; for a woman that wanted children so badly, she seemed to be spending more and more time away from them. But, he couldn't help but think that he had been doing that in his own way by spending more time with Leah. James missed the time that they had once spent together and he really missed the family time they had both come to enjoy, but he had also become accustomed to using his time away from Sheila and the girls to be with Leah. To experience a desire and passion like his heart had only known once before. Leah made him feel alive, made him feel like the hole left by Karen was not to be permanent. He realized that there was so much more to life and that the love he had for Sheila could not fully be matched by the way his heart felt when he was around Leah. James did not know where his relationship with Leah was going; he had no idea what she wanted from him for the future. He knew that leaving Sheila was not an option but he could not see his life without Leah anymore. She had become such an integral part of his life, she had worked her way deep into his heart and filled the emptiness James thought he would always have in his soul. It would have been very hard for James to explain to anyone; the amount of pain he suffered at the hands of one girl and the love he thought was fleeting. Not a week went by that he didn't think of Karen or remember the way she had made him feel. Now he had Leah in his life and she seemed to be the missing piece to the puzzle that was James' heart.

He responded to Leah's e-mail explaining that he would be unable to get away this afternoon, but hoped that she would have time for him tomorrow. James figured it would be better that way, he could pick the girls up early and take them out to eat. Miranda being the older sister, loved to drag her sister along wherever she went and Kayla, wanting to do anything for her sister, obliged to all of her sister's commands. James figured they could eat at one of the fast food places that had a play area for the kids. It was a beautiful day and the girls loved being outside after spending all day at the child care center.

James wrapped up his day with a freshman biology class, he gave out the assignments for the weekend and sent the ever cheerful students on their way towards two days of not looking at their school work, or so it always seemed when Monday rolled around. It always astounding James as to how much a group of kids could forget in one weekend. James grabbed his bag from his office and headed straight for the door. The weather was beautiful, not a cloud in the sky. It had started getting much warmer during the days and the students had started wearing less and less. It made James cringe to think that his girls would want to wear shorts like that when they were older. He couldn't believe that he was looking at some of the female students waiting for the bus and he was almost able to make out the lower curves of their ass. He rolled his eyes and thought about his daughters as he made his way across the parking lot towards his car. He could not believe that young girls were dressing like that and that his girls would be there someday too. James wished that they could stay little forever and not have to worry about growing up and fitting in; they would not have to concern themselves with conforming to what society deemed fashionable or sexy. He hoped that as his girls grew up they would become confident, self aware women. He wanted them to be women that didn't need from anyone and went out and did it themselves. But, he also hoped that they would find a love in their life that made them happy and fulfilled all of their needs. Life was hard enough; they did not need the extra stress of a conflicted heart. James could only hope that they would have all that they wanted from life and that he and Sheila were doing all that they could to prepare them for the lives ahead of them. James could only pray that they would never experience heartbreak or the pain of never knowing. He had lived with the agony of not knowing if he and Karen were meant to be and it seemed to slowly eat at him from the inside out. His heart yearned to feel that joy again. Leah had come into his life and that need he felt from deep within him was met by her.

James smiled as he fished his keys from his pocket. The thought of Leah in his arms always made his heart race. It seemed that fate always had a way of intervening on his thoughts.

Leah was standing by his driver's side door and when he unlocked the doors she turned her gaze towards him. She had been watching the soccer team off on the distant sports field, but was now looking directly at James.

Her piercing green eyes made his mouth dry and his knees weak.

"Hey there good looking," she said "I think you are going to be really sorry you are not coming over today. The new black teddy I just got from Victoria's Secret is enough to make you want to cry."

Her smile was devilish and James could feel his need for her grow stronger.

He just shook his head in response. "No can do, I am daddy-on-duty tonight," he replied "Shelia is at a meeting, so I am going to take the girls out to eat."

"That is so sweet Jimmy. You are such a good father. I hope Sheila knows what a good man you are and what a great dad you are to those girls," she said leaning in for a quick kiss on the cheek.

James backed off and immediately scanned the parking lot for anyone that may have been looking.

"Oh stop" she said "it was just a peck and no one is around."

Her lack of concern for their situation frustrated James to no end.

He was constantly worried about being seen with Leah or what the other staff members thought about their new found "friendship". They ate lunch together practically everyday, and would walk the track sometimes during James' free periods. Leah was single and had no concern for what people thought of her. She had told James many times before that she cared very little about what other people thought and she was only following her heart. She knew that he was married and it did not bother her. She explained to James that the love that she felt for him was something that she had no control over; she felt it was fate that brought them together and it would be fate that worked out the rest.

"You need to relax Jimmy," she stated, "you worry too much about everybody else. You need to start thinking about yourself and what you want."

"But I do not know what I want," he snapped, "I have a wife that loves me and two girls that depend on me. Our relationship jeopardizes that and it scares me. But, part of me loves being with you and can think of nothing else in that moment."

She looked at him with her warm, caring eyes and said, "Jimmy, what we have does not make you a bad person, and it definitely does not make you a bad father, a bad husband maybe, but you and I have something special that neither of us can deny."

She continued, "Jimmy, you make my heart soar when I am near you, you make me feel like no other man has ever made me feel. What I feel for you is like no other feeling I have ever had. I do not know what lies ahead for us and I do not want to pressure you in any way, just know that you make me happy and that no matter what I will be there for you."

She stole another quick kiss on the cheek, before James could react, and walked away.

James watched her go, following the sway of her hips and dying to get his hands on her body; to hold her close and feel her naked warmth against his skin.

"No dirty thoughts Jimmy," she yelled back to him without turning around.

"You passed this up," she said stroking the outside of her thigh and inching up her skirt, showing James her muscular legs as she walked.

James found himself smiling like an idiot as he drove to pick up Miranda and Kayla from daycare. He knew that what he was doing with Leah was wrong, but he hadn't felt so right in his heart for a long time. He had been living as a damaged man for too long. Sheila was his wife and he did indeed love her and want to care for her. She still excited him and when they made love, which had become a very scarce occurrence; it still made his blood pump. But Sheila was not Leah; she did not make James' heart feel the way being with Leah did. Leah made James happy and filled him with a feeling of completeness even though it was wrong. He was still smiling as he pulled into the parking lot to retrieve his daughters from their classrooms at Little People Child Care Center. He was sure that Miranda would be overjoyed to see him and want very much to be sprung from her daily prison. The five year old had become very independent and outspoken. She had made it perfectly clear to her parents that she did not like Mrs. Greenburg, her teacher and that she smelled like her daddy's socks. James had spit out his ice tea at the dinner table upon hearing his daughter make this proclamation just the week before. Kayla on the other hand, was their quiet and reserved daughter. She was still young and learning to communicate, due to the fact that her sister did all the talking for her. Kayla loved her teachers at Little People and wanted nothing less than to be with them all the time. She would tell James and Sheila that she loved Miss Tina just as much as she loved her mommy and daddy.

James was surprised to find that both girls were very excited to see him and were even more excited to find out they were going out to eat with their daddy.

"Can we go to McDonald's dad?" Miranda asked.

"Kayla really likes the nuggets and I really, really like the apple pies."

James just had to smile at his daughters and how big they were getting.

"Mickey-D's it is ladies," James replied. "Everybody buckled up?"

Both girls responded with glee and off they went to have dinner out.

James put on one of the girls favorite CDs and listened to them sing along from the back seat. Miranda loved music and her younger sister just loved to do whatever her older sister was doing. The Zac Brown Band started guitar picking their way through " _Chicken Fried_ " and the song made James think of simpler times. The song reminded him of all the things he loved in his life and how confused he had become about of it. He remembered Tim and his friend's easy smile, he remembered Sheila back when they first met. She had been so young and vibrant, like no other girl he had ever met. He recalled how there had been a point in his life after his mother had passed, that he would love no other as much as he loved her. But, then Karen had come into his life like a fast moving storm, her gale force winds had blown down all of his defenses and she had left his heart ruined in her path. He didn't know why the thought of her still hurt so much. It had been over ten years since he had spent that summer in her arms but the memory of her love still made him ache on the inside like no other pain he had ever experienced. He was certain that she had been the one for him, and it had taken him a long time to realize that what he had with Sheila was more important than anything he could have gotten from Karen. And then Leah came into his life, he knew that the void left by Karen could be filled and he could feel that happiness again. He was suddenly lost and confused at this point in his life and couldn't understand which way he was supposed to go. Life had been going so well for him before Leah. He had come to terms with his feelings for Karen and he had come to realize that what they had was far from the life that he and Sheila had made. Leah had come into the picture and made everything that was so right seem like just a cover; he had been living his life the way he felt he should be and not listening to his heart or his desires. Leah had once again helped him see that he had feelings deep down inside of him and those emotions stirred a different man to the surface.

James watched his girls through the rearview mirror sing and dance to the music. Zac Brown had moved on to a Caribbean number about boats and sand. It was a catchy tune that made James drum his hands against the steering wheel and hum along. Pulling up to a stop light, he looked to his left and noticed an attractive woman laughing and smiling in the passenger seat of a pricey luxury SUV waiting for the light in the turning lane. The beautiful, dark haired woman was Sheila. He didn't have time to react as the car accelerated on the green arrow and turned left away from him and the girls. He instantly wondered who she was with and where she was going. She had told him she had a meeting across town and that she would not be able to pick up the girls and that she would not be home for dinner.

James' heart sank as he dialed his wife's cell and waited for her to answer.

"Hello" she answered tentatively.

James knew she could tell who was calling her but she still had an odd tone in her voice.

"Hey Dibbs," he replied, "I picked up the girls and we are headed to the Golden Arches for some dinner and play area action. The ladies wanted to call you and say hi, do you have a minute?"

Her tone instantly became very cold and removed, "James, you know I hate when you call me that."

She was referring to the nickname, Dibbs. He had given it to her so long ago that he couldn't even remember where it came from.

"Listen, I am in the middle of an important meeting," she continued, "I told you that earlier. Tell the girls I will try and call before bedtime to say goodnight, but I am really busy right now. Bye."

She hung up before James could respond.

No "I love you" or "Have a good time with the girls" just a cold " _bye_ " before she ended the call. James held the phone in his hand, staring straight ahead.

He was startled by the honk of a horn behind him.

"The light's green daddy, that means you can go" Miranda shouted from the backseat.

"Yup. Sorry honey, here we go."

Sheila had just lied to him and he had no idea how to react. Why had she lied about being in a meeting, who was she with and what was she doing? Those and many other questions swam trough his head as he drove in a daze to the McDonald's with his daughters.

****

The constant glow from the oncoming headlights was making James' headache much worse. His eyes seemed to burn in their sockets and all he wanted to do was close them; close out the world and all of its bright, harsh light.

He noticed that his wipers were still going but the rain had subsided.

He switched them off and drove, again in silence, away from his father and the pain that came with the thought of never being able to tell him how he really felt about him. James' father was mentally wasting away. James knew that but he still missed his father and was going to miss the talks they had about life and about love.

They had spent long afternoons on the river bank, wetting their lines and talking about the love of a good woman and the power of a child's love. James loved to sit and listen to his father talk about this mother and how strongly he had loved her. It made James think long and hard about his feelings and where he had gone wrong. James had never told anyone, other than Tim, about what had happened between he and Karen that summer. James had also never divulged anything about his relationship with Leah. But more recently, the problems he and Sheila were having started weighing heavily on James and he had no one to talk to about his problems. James had confided in Will about some of the emotional issues in his life but Will's friendship had proven to be false in the end.

It had been weeks after the event at the traffic light, that James had finally put two and two together about what Sheila was up to. Sheila had been having an affair right under his nose, just as he had been with her. The most painful part about what she was doing was the fact that it was with his friend. James noticed Will's SUV one afternoon when they had met up for a quick round of golf. Will's vehicle was the same one that Sheila had been riding in when he had seen her at the red light. James at first thought it was only coincidence until one afternoon he decided to pay a visit to her office building and see for himself where his wife had been spending her evenings.

He had spoken to her on the phone not moments before he arrived at her office complex and parked with in sight of the front doors. She had claimed he was lucky to have caught her at her desk; she was just headed out the door to a client meeting and would be tied up most of the afternoon. James sat low in his seat and watched as the classy, white SUV pulled up in front of the overpriced office building and Sheila quickly exited the building and got into the waiting vehicle. The glare from the sun was too great off the windshield for James to immediately see the driver's face, but Sheila leaned in for a kiss as she buckled her seatbelt. It was not until the SUV turned past where James was parked, that he could see the driver and see that it was indeed Dr. Wilhelm Greene. His wife was running around with the one man James had begun to consider a good friend since Tim had passed away.

The thought of that day sickened James again. Having to deal with Will about his headaches, after that, was one of the toughest things he had ever done. James knew that it was not right to judge his wife for what she was doing based on what he had been doing at the time, but the anger and frustration were still very real and cut him deep. Will had known about his illness; he had known that James was a sick man. James didn't know if Will ever spoke of him to Sheila; James had not told her yet that he was sick. She had not mentioned anything, so he could only assume that Will had kept their patient doctor relationship separate. He still could not figure out where Will and Sheila could have met. James remembered talking about Will often, but he had never introduced the two of them. He spoke often of Sheila to Will and was sure that he had even mentioned where she had worked in passing conversation.

It seemed unreal to him that he and Sheila could have a life together but seemingly be worlds apart. He assumed that there was something missing in their lives and he felt responsible for not being there for Sheila when she may have needed him.

They had grown farther apart over the past couple of months and he could only imagine that he was not fulfilling his obligations in their marriage both emotionally and physically.

It saddened James to know that their marriage and lives had come to this.

He worried for the girls and how all of this would work out in the end. How could it have come to this in their lives? It hurt James to know that, after he was gone, Will and Sheila could possibly share a life together, a life James had neglected and shied away from. He would not be there for his girls as they grew and matured; he was going to miss so much of their lives.

Tears welled up in his eyes as he drove down one street and another, not knowing exactly where he was going. James knew that he needed to get home and take some stronger medicine for the pain, but he felt he had someone he needed to talk to after his father's breakdown in his room. James remembered the man his father had referred to in his ramblings.

Gene Klein had been a family friend for years.

James had grown up calling the man Uncle Gene. Gene owned and was sole proprietor of a small dive bar in Williamstown. Gene had been married several times over the course of his life and had fathered more children than he claimed as his own. James' father had alluded to Gene Klein seducing James' mother at some point in his parent's marriage and James wanted to know what really happened. He found himself driving through the back streets of town to the only place he could recall in his memories of Uncle Gene.

The Five Hole has been a local haunt for many years. All of the factory workers from Milner's Textiles and the canning plant of Freeburg Street frequented its nicked and dented bar for a cold one with the boys.

Gene ran a simple establishment, cold drinks that were never watered down and fast food that was never really good. His limited menu offered the staple cheese burger and fries or pulled pork with coleslaw. You could ask if there was anything else on the menu and Gene would politely tell you "no".

Most people didn't come to the Five Hole for the food anyway, they came for the drinks and the chance to get away from everyday life and listen to Gene's stories. The man was a gifted story-teller; a true gem when it came to spinning a tale or just telling a good joke. Gene was a handsome man; you found yourself captivated by his voice and interested in anything he might have to say. That was part of the draw in his bar; people came for the drinks but stayed to hear Gene talk about anything and everything.

Gene's family had lived through the Holocaust, his grandparents and parents had escaped Germany at the time before the Nazi's had sent all of the Jews away. Gene tells stories of the time during the war when you were not safe; it was not wise to show your beliefs. Gene's grandfather had bribed a wealthy Polish man to take their family in. In return the greedy man took liberties with both Gene's grandmother and her daughter's; one being already betrothed to Gene's father.

It was his family's past struggles that gave Gene his sense of being and firm grasp on humanity. He would tell stories of harder times and you could feel the pain and you suffered with him; when he spoke of jubilant times, your heart soared at the sound of his voice.

James entered the darkened bar room and was taken back to an easier time in his life, where afternoons were spent at one of the back booths doing homework or sitting at the bar talking to Gene. He was raised on old-fashion love songs from the juke box and loud discussions about the Phillies verse the Pirates and the Flyers verse the Penguins.

Those debates still occurred today, but there was never any doubt that they were in Birds territory because it was never up for discussion as to who might be better than the Philadelphia Eagles.

Gene had opened the bar a whim.

He had inherited some money from the passing of his grandfather. With his newly acquired bankroll, Gene decided he wanted to open a night club, with loud music and flashing lights.

The nightclub never evolved from the plywood paneling and old stools of the dilapidated bar, but what Gene had created was a well known bar where good friend's could meet and have a drink.

James' mother had been the first waitress Gene hired. Regina Matheson was a vivacious woman who took crap from no one. She had been laid off from her job at the plant in seventy-six during a period of economic crisis that seemed to have everyone looking for jobs. She had known Gene from his days as a foreman at the plant; when he reached out to her about a job at his new bar, she went for it.

She and James' father were still struggling with the bills at home and his job at the local community college was not paying what they had hoped. She took the job with hopes that it would be a part time thing until she found another more permanent position.

Time passed and Gene paid well.

James' mother was a very attractive woman in her time, so the tips from the tired, lonely mill workers also helped pad her wallet at the end of the week. The months rolled by and before she or James' father knew it, she was pregnant, expecting their first child. Gene agreed to take her on his business insurance during the pregnancy and wanted to help in any way he could.

It did not seem odd at the time, but looking back on all that Gene had done for James' parents; he had to have had more at stake in the whole deal.

Regina gave birth to James in May of seventy-nine. It had been an exciting time in their lives and Gene had understood her needing time off to be with her new baby. He had hired another waitress, and Regina only worked part time for the first couple of years after James was born.

When James had reached school age and his mother went back to work full time, he could remember spending a lot of time at the Five Hole. Gene was like a second father to James and had given their family a lot over the years.

James' mother had worked for Gene right up until she became too sick to work anymore.

After James' mother had passed, the relationship between his father and Gene had become strained and it wasn't long, before Gene was no longer in James' life. When he asked his father about Uncle Gene and why he never came around anymore; James' father had just answered abruptly that people change and that was the end of it.

James saw Gene at the far end of the bar talking to a couple of the locals, James could have sworn that they were the same men that used to sit there when he was younger.

The man James once knew very well had aged; his eyes were not as bright as they once were and the spring in his step was clipped to a slight bounce.

Gene's shoulders had begun to slump and he looked tired. James could still hear his voice over the din of the room and could have picked out his boisterous laugh anywhere.

Gene did not see James come in and sit at the other end of the bar from where he was. James sat and watched the older man as he talked to his patrons.

James remembered all of those times in his life when Gene and his mother were together. James was too young then to know or understand, but now as a man sitting there at the bar, he understood completely about what type of relationship Gene and his mother may have had.

Several minutes passed before the older gentleman made his way back down the bar towards James. A young, perky waitress had taken James' drink order and he was sipping the smooth tonic when Gene approached him.

"How ya doin' tonight young man?" Gene asked, not recognizing James right away.

"I'm fine Uncle Gene, how have you been?" James replied unconsciously letting a smile come across his face.

A look of recognition came across the man's face.

"Jimmy my boy, it that really you?" the bartender replied, returning the smile, "I have not seen you in over fifteen years, how the hell have you been? How's your dad?"

James was surprised to hear Gene ask about his father.

"Dad has been better. He had a stroke a couple of years back and is now suffering the effects of full-blown Alzheimer's."

The old man shook his head in disbelief.

"He is living over at Maple Glen now, but they are taking real good care of him," James continued.

"Thanks for asking Gene. How have you been doing these past years?"

Gene had a look of pride and joy on his face, James almost started to blush under the old man's gaze.

"Glad to hear he is being taken care of, awful shame to hear that he hasn't been well. Your father was always a good man, loved your mother to pieces he did," the old man paused "loved her very much indeed."

James noticed something in Gene's face that he did not recognize, something that he took for regret but wasn't sure.

"Ah well, may she rest in peace, amen"

Gene continued, "I have been doing fairly well for myself, Jimmy. Life has dealt me some bad cards but I was always able to sort it out in the end. Business has been the same, but since the mill closed down, some of the old timers have stopped coming in."

Gene scanned the room as if taking inventory of the few bar flies milling about at the other end of the room.

"It's that damn sports bar on Hawthorne, taking all my younger crowd with their big screen TV's and half naked waitresses" he shook his head in disgust.

"You know, they should shut them down for indecent exposure, although come to think of it, some of those girls are not that hard on the eyes" the old man winked.

"Jimmy, I tell you, I have had a long and happy life. Had too many wives and not enough lovers. Some of them have made me happy and I have made some of them happy, but in the end what is really important?" he asked.

James looked at the old man puzzled for a moment and shrugged his shoulders.

"I'll tell you what is important," he continued "what is important, is that you found it in yourself to be happy with who you are. To be happy with the life you led and be sure that you are content with the decisions you made."

James could feel his head start to slowly throb again, the pain had subsided, but seemed to be returning. It slowly started rolling through his skull like a steam locomotive.

He rubbed his temples and looked Gene in the eyes, "that is all well and good Gene, but what about the people in your life, the ones that you have loved, your children? Are they not the key to ones happiness?" he asked.

"Jimmy, they are the key to your legacy, the way you raise and love your children will live on through them and they will go out and find true happiness for themselves."

"Yes, we love our kids unconditionally and want the best for them, but we can't give them happiness, they have to find it on their own. And we are there to love them and accept their mistakes. Love them in spite of their faults."

Gene smiled at James.

"Jimmy, I can see that you are in pain, not just that whopper of a headache you look to be fighting, but deep inside, I can see it in your eyes, you are hurting. You have to find the one thing in life that makes you happy and the people in your life will still be there by your side to love and to share in your happiness."

James was taken back by Gene's view on the world and even more on his accurate insight into James' pain.

"Gene, I am sick. I do not have long to live. It is an inoperable brain tumor" James paused, the words weighed heavy on him.

"I have tried to live my life the best that I could. I miss mom more with everyday that passes, and I try to do the best by dad, but it is hard. My wife is having an affair and wants a divorce and my girls will never get to know the man that I was."

James could feel the warm tears start to roll down his cheeks as he opened up his heart to Gene.

"Jimmy," Gene started "I am so sorry to see you like this. It breaks my heart to know that you are hurting. You tell me what I can do for you, anything. Have you made plans for the future, I mean for the girls?" the old man's eyes were filled with concern.

James just stared into Gene's eyes, tears streamed from his eyes.

"Oh Jimmy, I am so sorry."

Gene reached across the bar and took James' hand in his. His calloused hands were firm and coarse, but gentle at the same time.

"Jimmy, listen to me. I cannot begin to imagine what is going on inside of your mind right now, but you need to come to terms with the man that you are and have been, you need to leave this world knowing you did alright by yourself and the ones that you loved. You can't leave this earth not realizing that you are a good man."

Gene's eyes started to glass over with tears of his own, but his gaze was strong and unwavering.

James could feel the emotion rolling up from inside of him.

Talking to Gene made James miss his mother more than he ever thought he would. Realizing his short time left, made James reflect on all of his life.

Gene just looked at James and held his hand tightly in his own.

James could not believe that it had come to this; his life was over and he felt he had nothing to show for it. Of course, he had his girls, but they were so young and he would never know the beautiful women that they would be one day; the pain of that realization cut deep and was almost unbearable.

James also thought of Sheila and all that they had been through; all of the love he should have been showing her but couldn't. He could not blame her for seeking the comfort of another at such a time when he had been so absent from their relationship.

Their marriage had become one of necessity, an obligation to each other and their girls. There had been times of passion and romance, but their love had dissolved to nothing more than a union of mother and father.

They had lost James and Sheila along the way, and James knew that there would have never been a way to get that back. James felt in his heart that he had pursued the wrong desires in his life; he had searched for something that he already had at home. He had the love of a woman and she was his wife, a woman that loved him so deeply once that nothing could have broken that bond. It had been ridiculous for James to think that anything would have ever come of him and Karen, or him and Leah for that matter.

The time that he got to spend with Karen after so many years apart was magical, made his heart soar. But she was gone now, and he would never know what may have happened. He had ruined his marriage and let his children down; he had also lost the one woman that had truly been there for him through it all.

James just sat at the bar holding an old friend's hand and crying.

There were no more words that needed to be spoken between him and Gene. James had understood that the love Gene had for his mother had never been reciprocated by his mother to Gene.

James understood that Gene had honestly cared and adored his mother but Regina Matheson had loved her husband and wanted nothing more than to love him and her son for the rest of her life.

James wished he could help his father see this truth, but the old man's mind was too clouded with disease to ever understand.

****

As the school year ended and summer came into full swing, James and Leah were spending a lot of time together. It amazed James how well, he and Sheila functioned as parents spending so much time apart; spending so much time with their lovers. James did not know at the time that Sheila had been well aware of his indiscretions. He had not been as slick as he thought he was.

Both of the girls had been enrolled in summer camp programs, giving James the opportunity to spend his days with Leah and his evenings with his daughters because Sheila was always working late.

It just so happened that on the morning James was to meet Leah for a late breakfast, at one of their favorite diners a couple of towns over that he ran into Karen.

James' head had been in a fog since he had confirmed his suspicions about Sheila and Will. He had gone as far as following them several times over the past couple of weeks while the girls were at Sheila's mothers.

James was completely torn as to what he should do about the situation that he was in. He knew that he was just as guilty, for what he was doing with Leah, as Sheila was for her affair with Will.

It just hurt so much to think that Will may have taken advantage of him; being his friend but stealing his wife. It almost disgusted James to think that a man of such skill and knowledge would sink so low. James knew Sheila was an attractive woman, he saw the heads turn at the mall when they were together; he knew that men found her almost irresistible. Sheila had an air about her that made it easy for men to want to be near her, to want to almost worship her and bask in her radiance. She was not arrogant nor did she flaunt her beauty, it was natural and she only enhanced the total package with her easy smile.

Sheila had changed over the years as her status in the law firm had increased. Sheila was no longer the loving mother and caring wife that she had once been. There was steel in her eyes that could make you uncomfortable if it was turned on you. She was wonderful with their daughters but she seemed to have less and less time for them in her life and it hurt James to see that. He did not know where their lives where leading them and it made him sad to think about the girls having to grow-up with Sheila as their mom if she didn't have time for them. The whole situation had become so contorted it made James' head hurt when he tried to think about what may happen in the future.

****

Before his date with Leah, James had stopped at the post office after dropping Kayla and Miranda off at camp. The elderly woman that had been in front of James in line was one of only two other customers in the entire office. The other gentleman besides James was only there to check his PO Box and get some stamps from the automatic cash-only dispenser. It would seem likely to James that he should have only been in the post office for five minutes or so.

Thirty minutes later, James was finally able to send some of his father's legal documents by certified mail to the insurance company in Arizona.

The old woman who smelled of cat dander and menthol cigarettes did not understand why the postman was unable to ship her sister in DeMoines, Iowa a jar of jellied peppers and three cases .45 Hollow Point Magnum shells. The civil servant tried his best to explain to the geezer that it was against federal law to send live ammunition via the United States Postal Service. After much grumbling and complaining, the old woman had left and James was able to quickly mail out the documents for his father's estate.

As he left the post office, pondering how it was that some people still could not comprehend the simple logistics of mailing packages, he crossed the parking lot to his car and was nearly run down by a minivan as it zipped into the lot. James was ready to brain the driver as the vehicle screeched to a stop in front of him. He opened his mouth to yell at the careless driver; both fists clenched in rage and fear.

James noticed the woman behind the wheel and froze.

The driver instantly recognized him and she in return, was locked in place by James' gaze.

James did not want to believe what he was seeing, his heart raced and his thoughts tumbled out of control; he had thought about the day he might see her again. He had dreamt of the moment he would be able to ask what had happened between them; to ask her why she had done what she did.

A concerned motorist blared their horn and offered a quick rebuttal in James' favor, "Hey lady, watch where you're going. You almost creamed that guy!"

James waved the driver on.

"It's ok" he found himself saying as he stepped around to the driver's side of the van.

Karen opened her door and stood looking at James.

Speechless, both of them exchanged a queer smile and continued to stare into each others eyes.

It became very apparent to James how much the woman in front of him had meant to him. He could feel his heart leaping inside of him and he wondered if she felt the same.

Her face gave away very little; she had aged some, life does that to the best of us, but otherwise she was still as radiant as the day he had met her. James could see clearly the khaki shorts and tank-top she had been wearing. He could remember the way she smelled and the way she always made his head spin when she was close. His hands remembered the way her firm breasts had felt and the way her skin smelled as he kissed it ever so gently.

James was overcome by boyish memories standing there in the parking lot, he was completely overwhelmed by seeing her and never really imagined he would get that chance again.

Karen broke the silence between them, "Hello Jimmy," she said "How have you been?"

James was floored by her sweet voice; a voice that had spoken so many wonderful things to him and a voice that he had longed to hear again since that summer.

"Hello Karen," he stammered "I am good. How have you been?"

He worried that she could see the power she had over him.

James felt like he couldn't move, he was rendered immobile by her eyes; her voice placed him in a trance. Even as he had answered her, he thought his words sounded jumbled and confused.

Karen smiled at him; she stepped forward and wrapped her arms around his neck in a hug. James easily returned the embrace and inhaled in her scent, allowing his memories to overtake him, envelope him in a time past, a time never forgotten by his heart.

"Oh Jimmy, it is so good to see you" she said "how long has it been?"

James could not answer her, he just held her close to him. She did not pull away from his strong arms and it did not feel strange at all for James to be hugging her like he was after so long.

James was the first to pull away from the embrace, something inside refused to let her go so he held her hands at arms length.

"It has been over ten years since that summer" he answered, "but who is counting."

She smiled in return.

"How have you been, really? Where has your life taken you? Renee told me that you became a high school science teacher, is that true? You were so great with those kids that summer. I can still remember how much they adored you. You had a gift for teaching."

She was rambling.

"Are you still teaching now?"

It took James a second to collect his thoughts, his heart was beating rapidly.

"Yeah, I'm still teaching, followed in the old man's footsteps" he said.

"Good for you Jimmy, you were always so good with those kids" she replied.

"Who are you kidding, those kids walked all over Tim and I that summer..." he started to say and drifted off thinking about Tim and how much he missed him.

"It was a shame what happened to him," she said, almost knowing just talking about Tim hurt James.

"Yeah, he was a good friend, I really miss him."

Karen squeezed his hands tighter and he noticed then that they were still holding hands, neither of them willing to let go.

"How about you?" he asked, "where did life take you?"

She rolled her eyes, "life chose to take me away from what was my idea of a dream and thrust reality straight in my face" she said.

"I met a guy not long after that summer and I got pregnant," she smiled, "it's funny how life throws you curve balls. Two boys later and a quickly dissolving marriage, my cheating husband left me for another woman, so here I am. A single mother moving to a new town and trying to start over."

"You are moving near here?" James asked.

"Yup," she replied, "I was able to get a position working at Hendrick's Middle School. I am a guidance counselor these days."

James was familiar with the school, it was not part of his district but he knew a couple of the science teachers from some of the local seminars and training sessions he had attended.

"So you are divorced now?" he asked, but not sure why.

"Yes, He left me about three years ago. He has very little time for the boys and even less time for me apparently."

James felt sorry for her, he had to fight the urge to pull her close and hold her tight.

"I am sorry about that, that can't be easy."

She nodded in agreement.

"It was not easy, but we were never really compatible, it just took us that long to figure it out."

James could understand how she felt. He thought of Sheaila and the issues they were currently having.

"How about you? Do you and your wife have any children?"

"Me? Um, yeah, I have two daughters, Kayla and Miranda."

He was suddenly uncomfortable talking about his children with her and he couldn't explain why. It seemed odd to him to be discussing their lives, this was the woman that he had never stopped thinking about.

This woman that stood before him was the one that he let go, the one that could have changed everything in his life. She had transformed his life forever and he found himself again wondering why things had turned out the way they had.

"Two girls huh?" she replied, "I bet they are daddy's little girls, aren't they?"

James could only smile and nod in agreement. A glance towards his watch made him realize that he was now going to be late for his date with Leah.

She just looked into James' eyes; it was as if she could see that he was uncomfortable talking about his family with her.

"Oh man, I am so sorry, but I have somewhere I need to be like five minutes ago" he stammered.

She just smiled at him and did not break her eyes from his.

James could not believe that she was really standing there in front of him. The real flesh and blood version of how he had always remembered her.

She nodded her head in acceptance of his urgent exit.

"Okay Jimmy, but we have to get together" she stated, "let me give you my number and you can call me."

She reached in her van and wrote her name and number on the back of an old Burger King receipt.

James hugged her again and promised he would call.

"You better" she replied "It has been too long Jimmy, way too long."

He couldn't have agreed more.

"Take care of yourself, it was really nice seeing you" he said as he walked to his car.

She called back to him as he opened his door, "Oh, by the way Jimmy. You look really good."

Those four words stuck with James long after he had pulled away from the parking lot and her smiling face.

James got to lunch only a couple of minutes late. Traffic happened to be on his side for once. He thought for sure he was going to be extremely late when he got stuck behind a cement truck doing about fifteen miles per hour down a wooded back road, but he was able to pass it at a straight away and only broke the speed limit marginally the rest of the way to the restaurant.

When he arrived, Leah had already been seated and was waiting for him.

She was absolutely stunning.

She was wearing a light, cotton sleeveless sun-dress. The dress' material settled in just a way across her chest that the tops of her breasts lay exposed. James marveled at how breathtaking she was; how beautiful she was both inside and out.

He spotted her from across the restaurant before she noticed him enter. She had been seated on the outside patio that overlooked a small creek that ran down behind the eatery.

The day had turned out to be wonderful with a slight breeze that danced through the leaves of the weeping willows down by the stream's edge. Large, cotton clouds moved slowly across the sky and sun rays peaked through giving Leah's hair natural highlights and accenting her beautiful eyes. James was moved by her sheer aura but something in the back of his mind, or was it his heart, could not stop thinking about Karen.

Leah's smile beamed as he crossed the patio towards her.

"I thought you might stand me up Mr. Matheson" she stated simply as she stood and kissed him firmly on the lips.

"I would never do that to you, not without calling first of course" he quipped.

She playfully smacked him on the shoulder as she sat back in her seat.

"I ordered you an iced tea, is that ok?" she asked, handing him a menu.

"That is wonderful, thanks," he replied, "by the by, you look stunning today. If I may say so, madam?"

"Why yes, yes you may say so and I take back my smack for that" she said, revealing her gorgeous smile again.

James returned the smile and just looked at her, just took in all that she had to offer.

He never failed to notice the eyes that were always on her and the way men found it hard not to stare most of the time.

Leah was young and beautiful; she epitomized all that was right about the opposite sex. James knew that she was a knock-out; he knew that she could have any man she wanted. It had crossed his mind on numerous occasions why she had ever chosen him, and what she saw in him eluded James.

"Why the long face Jimmy?" she asked.

"Oh, nothing. I was just taking in your beauty, relishing in your presence and being humbled by your radiance."

She rolled her eyes over-dramatically, "Oh, give me a break. You were looking at my boobs and wondering if I have panties on, aren't you?"

She winked at him and giggled.

James over-acted his shocked response, "Madam, I would never do such a thing, I am a gentleman," he continued "and a gentleman would never do such things..."

James' comical tirade was cut short when he noticed Leah staring over his shoulder towards the front entrance of the restaurant.

"Jimmy, I think we might have a problem" she said gesturing for him to turn around.

As he turned and looked, his breath caught in his throat and he was paralyzed with anxiety when he noticed Sheila standing at the bar, apparently waiting for someone.

James could not react, he sat stunned in his seat, looking at his wife while his mistress quickly stood up and moved away from the table.

"Call me later" she whispered as she made her way across the patio and out onto the lawn behind the restaurant.

James did not know what to do or think at that moment.

He watched Leah's dress swish around her toned legs as she walked away but he also found himself drawn to his wife and how ravishing she looked sipping her wine and checking her watch.

He could feel a headache starting, his temples started to twinge with pain and his left eye was gritty and painful.

Rubbing his eye, James stood up and motioned to the waiter that he was going to go to the bar.

"My friend had to leave unexpectedly, please just run my tab through the bar, thanks."

James walked across the patio and into the smaller dining area. The large windows of the café allowed ample light in and the space had an open airy feeling to it.

James made his way over to Sheila and cleared his throat as he approached from behind. Sheila had been so transfixed on watching the front entrance that she did not notice James until he come right up next to her.

"Hello there beautiful," he whispered, "come here often?"

James could see the surprise on her face as she recognized his voice and turned towards him.

She looked clearly shocked but also very cool and collected at the same time.

She did look beautiful, her hair was up in a ponytail and she was wearing a simple white button down and a pair of tan slacks. James felt a queer thorn in his side; a feeling of guilt and sadness. Guilt for having forgotten how wonderful she really was and sadness for the way things had become between them.

James saw Will enter the restaurant from the corner of his eye, but pretended not to notice. He followed her eyes as she noticed the good doctor too.

"James, you surprised me. What are you doing here?" she asked.

"Oh, I was supposed to meet Brian and discuss next year's science curriculum, but he had to cancel," he replied "You remember Brian, don't you? He and his wife Cindy have the twin boys, Michael and Henry."

He couldn't completely read her face; he couldn't tell exactly what she was feeling, but he knew that he had her in a tough spot.

He had turned what could have been a bad situation for him into a very difficult situation for her.

He thought that he would have felt vindicated by this turn of events but he wasn't. What had happened between them, that they had come to this? Why had their marriage not been enough? James felt he could only blame himself. If he had been able to fully get over Karen and move on with his life he would have been able to show Sheila the love that she needed and she would not have had to go looking for it else where.

"Um, Brian, yes of course. They have the house on Long Beach that we went to last summer" she replied.

"Yeah, Brian and Cindy Marsten" he confirmed "Man, we had fun that time at the beach didn't we...remember when Miranda fell in the seaweed and cried like it was going to eat her?"

A smile came over her face that James had not seen in a long time.

"Oh, she was so cute. You carried her around the rest of the day; she was too scared to put her feet in the sand again."

"Yeah, I can still feel the cramp in my arm..." he replied pretending to rub his bicep.

"Hey" he quickly stated, "let's have lunch, you and me?"

He half expected her to blow him off, right as he stood there in front of her.

He watched Will, through the mirror behind the bar, leave out of the same door he had entered and she seemed to relax.

"You know, that would be nice James. That would be really nice."

"Well, then it is a date!" He smiled at her.

"You know I have children, that doesn't scare you does it?" he joked.

"Um, well, I think I might be ok with it?" she smiled again, and James oddly felt his heart race.

"Are you sure about lunch? All kidding aside, were you waiting for someone? A client?" he asked, not expecting her to be honest.

"Oh no, I was just waiting for a friend and it appears she is going to stand me up" she replied.

James was a culmination of different emotions, his head still hurt but he was strangely relaxed and comforted by the fact that Sheila had agreed to have lunch with him.

Here he was asking his wife to lunch after he was just with his mistress and she was waiting for the other man in her life. The whole idea of this chance meeting was strange and very unorthodox but James didn't care.

Part of him hoped that this lunch with Sheila would help him refocus on what was really important in his life. He had started to feel really lost recently.

His father's ailing health had made him start to ponder what life was really all about; what was important and what was not. His chance seeing Karen earlier had made him really think about reality, the here and now.

Karen had been that someone once, but was she really the one? James had been confused for so long and was still perplexed by his feelings and actions.

He truly cared for Leah but was it love? Was it what he needed to fulfill him?

He needed to start realizing that Sheila and the girls have always been the best part of him and had always brought him the most happiness.

Leah was fun and energetic, but the running around and the lies got tiresome. James felt right at that moment that he needed to prove to Sheila that he was still the man that she had married. He was still in love with her and that he wanted to try and make their marriage work. James hoped that it was not too late. He hoped that he could convince Sheila that he could be the husband she needed and deserved. He truly thought that if he could prove that to her, their relationship would get better again; they could be a family again.

Lunch with Sheila was nice. Sharing that time with his wife was enjoyable and eye opening.

James gave little thought to Leah or Karen while he ate lunch with Sheila.

They even enjoyed a dessert together; laughing about old times and remembering what it was like to just be themselves with each other. It actually surprised James that they had found it so easy to laugh and talk as if nothing was wrong.

It made him wonder if all of this was still salvageable and that he may still be able to get his life back on track. He had always allowed his heart to dictate how he was feeling.

He never really allowed his brain to speak up and put a stop to his childish thoughts of Karen and what might have been. Even after seeing her again, he still wanted what he and Sheila had together to work.

"James," she whispered, "this was really nice. I had a wonderful time with you."

James did not know what to say, part of him wanted to ask her what she had really been doing here and tell why he had really been here too. Another part of him wanted to forget all of that and just focus on what was right here in front of him.

He couldn't help but think that it may have been too late for them, but he pushed those thoughts aside and tried to really make his heart feel what it had always felt for her. He had really enjoyed lunch also; he had really enjoyed reconnecting with the person in his life that had been with him through it all.

"I had a good time too. We should do this more often, just you and I" he replied.

James caught a brief look of sadness that crossed her face, before she smiled gently.

"James, can we go home?" she asked "The girls aren't done with camp until three, right?"

The look on her face said it all.

James was floored, he did not care at that moment that she had been waiting for Will and that he had already met with Leah earlier. All that mattered to James was getting his wife home and showing her how much he still loved and cared about her.

He promised himself as they made love again for the first time in how many months; he would be a changed man. He was going to reevaluate everything in his life and make sure he started focusing on the important stuff.

Their kisses were passionate and her hunger for him actually surprised him. Their unspoken words of desire and need combined to create a very physical and intense sexual exchange between them.

James collapsed unto his side and lay with his arm across her chest. He could feel her heart beating in rhythm with his own, and their deep breaths slowed as they both succumbed to the sheer exhaustion of the moment.

It was not until the phone rang that James was aroused from his slumber, still holding his wife close to him and realizing that there was truly no where else he wanted to be.

Leah was vibrant and exciting, and the memory of Karen was always there in the back of his mind, but James came to understand that Sheila had always been the one that he was meant to be with.

James dropped the cordless phone once before he could answer it and when he finally answered, was shocked to hear the girl's camp counselor on the other end.

He immediately looked at the clock and it registered that it was twenty after three.

He made his apologies and promised that he would be there in fifteen minutes.

As he pulled on his jeans and an old t-shirt from the drawer, he noticed Sheila staring at him.

"I love you James," she stated simply, "I really do. I am sorry that I take you for granted and I truly want to work on getting back to you and me, to really remembering why we fell in love and got married."

James could see the tears in her eyes.

He leaned down and kissed her gently on the forehead.

"I am sorry too. I want to get back to you and me too," he replied, "are you going to head back to work or will you be here when we get back?"

His heart was ready for the disappointment and hoped that today had not been too good to be true, but she surprised him.

"No, I think I am going to lay here in the afternoon sunshine and read. And when you guys get back, we should all make a picnic dinner together. Wouldn't that be fun?"

James just smiled and felt deep in his heart that things might just be turning around. He felt nothing more than a dull ache in his head and couldn't remember that last time he felt so good.

This day had been what he had been looking for; confirmation that their love was still there and that he was crazy for ever wanting anything else.

Sheila was still home when he got back with the girls, as promised and they had shared a picnic dinner as a family in the backyard.

That evening, after putting the girls to bed together, she and James had made slow, passionate love again under the stars while they lay naked wrapped in a blanket on the deck.

The moonless night allowed the stars to shine bright in the ink black sky, and it was then that James decided that no matter what happened from this point forward, he was going to be faithful to Sheila. He was going to be the husband she wanted and the dad that his girls needed.

****

Amazingly the rain continued to fall as James drove home from Gene's bar.

It had been really nice to see him again.

James had forgotten what a kind and gentle soul he was. It hurt James to think that his father was so confused about his mother's and Gene's relationship. He could tell that Gene had genuinely cared for his mother but also cared for them as a family.

Gene had gone to great lengths to make sure the their family was taken care of at all costs and still today he was offering his assistance in any way it could be used. James could have only hoped to have ever been as good a man as Gene was. He could have spent his whole life striving to be like his old friend, but he would never have measured up.

James' eyes stung from all of the tears he had cried and his head was almost numb with pain. Each passing set of headlights sliced through his skull and made him wince. He wished he had a pair of sunglasses in the car, the pain was so bad.

He was headed home now.

There were things he needed to take care of before the day was through.

James was weary from the day of emotions and wished more than anything that he could just lie in Sheila's arms again. He wanted to hold her and tell her he was sorry for all that he had done to her and the girls. He knew there was no going back for them now.

He had tried to explain to her that he had been ready to move forward together, but after she had found the note, she was hurt and enraged.

They had opened up to each other and he felt like they were on a new path in their lives. She had opened up about Will and he had opened up about Leah. There was shouting and there had been tears but over the last couple of weeks, James felt things had been progressing between them.

It was only after she read the letter from Karen, that she had packed up the girls and left.

It hurt James more to know that his girls were gone then he could have ever imagined. He was sorry for what he had done to Sheila, but he couldn't imagine any forgiveness for hurting his girls. She had taken the girls to her sister's house in Hawley.

Sheila had made no mention of his illness before she left, so he could only assume that Will had not told her he was sick. It comforted him to know that neither she nor the girls would ever know that he had been suffering all this time. He felt that it was punishment for what he had done in his life; it was fitting he should be made to endure the pain alone.

After all that they had discussed, Sheila had made it clear that she wanted nothing more to do with him and it was over. She had mentioned that they could work through things for the girls but James knew that it would have never worked between them ever again.

His heart was torn in two forever.

He still had a deep love for Karen that, even through all the years apart, was reignited after seeing her again.

There was also the part of his heart that loved and adored Sheila and his girls; the part of him that wanted more than anything to be a happy family for the rest of his life.

It had become apparent to him today that his heart would never heal from the marks left by Karen.

Even in her death, she was still able to control his heart.

The words she had written him resonated in his mind. She had truly loved him and had spent the last years of her life searching for the same thing that he had been searching for as well. Destined soul mates lost in life, continually seeking the love they had once shared.

Sadness and sorrow took over again, the emotional storm inside is mind was almost too much for him to take. James pulled his car into an abandoned lot and killed the engine. For the second time that day, he found himself alone in his car unable to control the overwhelming flood of feelings assaulting his every thought. As the rain washed over his car, he sat in silence and cried.

****

It was a couple of days after the day he spent with Sheila that James called Karen.

He was not sure why he called her, but the number had been in his pants pocket and he found it when he was doing laundry.

The idea of speaking to her and finding out exactly why things had happened the way they had was too enticing.

His fingers dialed the number and he waited, listening to the rings and he suddenly hoped she didn't answer.

"Hello" she said and James' heart stopped.

"Um. Hi Karen, it's James, James Matheson" he stammered, "How are you?"

His hands started to sweat around the receiver and his throat felt dry.

"Oh, hey Jimmy!" she replied, "I am fine, so glad you called."

Pleasantly surprised by her response, James found himself more relaxed.

"Yeah, just doing laundry and found this old receipt that says 'call for a good time' and I thought what the hell, right?"

She laughed, "You could call me for a good time anytime you want."

"Oh really, well I will have to keep that in mind" he replied.

Their conversation flowed easily from there.

They talked about that summer and they talked about their lives. She opened up about her ex-husband and why their marriage had never lasted.

They shared kid stories about late night throw up sessions and missing blankie emergencies.

James thought it was really nice catching up with her. It was like reconnecting with a long lost friend. They didn't talk about feelings; James was not sure how to broach the subject. He was worried that it was not going to be the same for her and he would just sound like a complete fool. He was unsure if he would ever be able to tell her how he really felt about her after so many years.

His life had become so complicated.

He could not understand why he had never been able to get over her; why he had never been able to let what they had shared go. It seemed as though he had spent every minute after that summer trying to put distance between them and to forget all that his heart had felt in holding her.

The way they had connected was what some people would spend their entire lives looking for. He had found that one person in this world that made his heart and soul feel complete. After she was gone from his life, he had spent so much time trying to find that sense of completeness within his life and had not succeeded. Life continued on and priorities changed, but she was always constant in the back of his mind and deep inside his heart. He had walled her off in hopes that she would never haunt his thoughts again, but inevitably she always resurfaced making him realize that he would never be rid of her.

Now, he was on the phone chatting with this woman who had changed his life and he worried that it had all been for nothing; that she had not felt the same way for him.

Irrational thoughts clouded his mind.

Thoughts that he had ruined all that was good in his life for a chance at knowing if true love had been waiting for him.

It became very clear to James that she may not feel the same way about him and that all of his life he had been holding on to a fantasy. The words that Tim had spoken to him whispered back again. Tim had told him to get over it and move on; to be right with it all before he made his life with Sheila. James had not heeded his friend's advice and now was faced with potential heartbreak.

James was now concerned to even talk to Karen about any of this; he felt as if he should just let it go. After all this time, he wanted to leave it alone and not risk having to deal with the truth. He wanted to keep what they had between each other as special and not find out what she did or didn't feel now.

"So Jimmy, listen," she said, "I think we should get together and have lunch or something. What do you think?"

The idea was not at the top of James' to do list at the moment.

He thought they might talk once or twice and try to find some answers between them about what had really happened that summer and get some closure. And with the risk of finding out his feelings had not been shared after all these years, terrified him. Also, thoughts of complete disappointment and sadness were quickly joined by guilt. He and Sheila had really been trying to work through things at home. He had promised to end things with Leah and she had done the same. James had told Leah that they needed to take some time away from each other, and he had hoped she understood. Sheila had been coming home more frequently for dinner and they had shared some really nice family time with the girls. They had made a promise to each other to be honest and open with one another moving forward. It was agreed upon between them that they had lost that open communication and that is where their marriage had started to dissolve. They needed to work on their relationship as husband and wife for there to be any sort of relationship as mom and dad for Miranda and Kayla.

James could not allow this turn of events with Karen to stand in the way of what he and Sheila had been fighting to save.

"Lunch?" he replied, "well I don't know, it's..."

She cut him off before he could continue, "Jimmy, it will be innocent, just two old friends catching up."

She paused, waiting for him to reply. When none came, she continued.

"Jimmy, at this point in our lives there is nothing we could want or need from each other, if that is what you are worried about."

James thought about it, she could not have been more wrong.

"I just want to see you again, to look into your eyes and just catch up with you, really catch up."

He could feel himself hesitating to tell her no, he did want to see her too. He wanted to be near her and to let his heart remember all that it was about her that made it so hard to forget.

"Listen, I... well, things have been sort of complicated on my end with Sheila and we are trying to work through some things and getting together with an old flame would not sit well."

It felt like he had just tossed a grenade in her bunker and was waiting for it to detonate.

He waited for her to say she understood and that it was nice talking to him, have a great life, etc. etc.

"I understand Jimmy, I really do. If me and my ex had talked more, I would not be the spot I am today, I understand" she replied.

"But I promise it will be nothing more than lunch, you and I are way passed all of the things we did that summer aren't we?"

She was wrong again.

"We are adults now, with children and lives. It would just be nice to be able to talk to you face to face one more time, whataya say?"

His defenses crumbled and he could feel his heart pounding in his chest.

Of course he wanted to see her again, and it didn't matter if she shared his feelings after so long, he needed to tell her how he felt and try to put the memory of what they shared to rest. It was important to his relationship with Sheila that he closes this door in this heart forever

"Lunch right? Just two old friends catching up?" he asked.

"Yes, just lunch."

"Ok, it's a date."

They say you can hear a smile over the phone.

It was clear that she was beaming as she exclaimed, "Yes! That is great. When and where?"

The lunch date was set for the following week on Wednesday. James knew Sheila had a lunch meeting with clients; they had started sharing their calendars and plans in a show of trust and respect for each other. The girls were still in camp for another week and James would be free to have lunch with no interruption in their schedule. They had said goodbye that day and James found himself constantly thinking about Karen after their phone conversation. The days passed slowly, and eventually it was Wednesday morning and James could think of nothing else but seeing her again and finally telling her the truth about his feelings, no matter what the outcome. He had talked himself into it and he knew this was going to be the only way he and Sheila could move on with their marriage.

****

James had no idea what time it was or how long he had sat in his car.

The shrill ring of his cell phone shocked him back to reality and pierced through his pounding head like lightning.

He looked at the caller ID and it read Sheila Cell.

He flipped open his phone.

"Hello" he answered, his hoarse voice cracked.

"James, it's me."

Sheila sounded tired.

"Are you ok?" she asked with concern in her voice.

He wanted to tell her no.

He wanted to tell her everything that had happened to day and tell her that he loved her more than she would ever understand. He wanted to scream out that he was sorry for all that he had done and that he wanted nothing more than to have the life they once shared back again.

He couldn't say any of those things, he could only reply, "Yeah... yeah. I'm fine. How are the girls?"

She hesitated, almost as if she knew he was lying.

"They are fine, a little confused but happy to be with their cousins."

He smiled thinking of his girls in spite of all the pain he was feeling.

"James listen, we need to talk. I should not have taken the girls and left, I know that," her voice wavered, "but it hurt me so bad to read that letter you had hidden from me, to know that after all we had promised each other in the past weeks..."

She broke off and started to cry.

His heart was breaking.

He knew she had read the letter from Karen, the one he had received in the mail.

He had opened it in the morning and tried to hide it his sock drawer before going to the CT scan Will had ordered.

Sheila had found it putting some laundry away and they had fought about it that evening after the girls were in bed.

James tried to explain to her that it meant nothing and that she was wrong in accusing him of doing anything behind her back, but it was not worth it.

The next day she had come home from work and taken the girls to her sister's. He had been out food shopping, and when he got home the note had been on the counter waiting for him.

"Dibbs listen. Please don't cry..." he tried to say but her sobs where all he could hear.

"Sheila, please calm down, please."

He could hear her trying to get a hold of herself as she stifled her sobs.

"James, what has happened to us? Why has it come to this between us?" she whimpered.

James didn't have an answer; he was at a complete loss for words.

"James, I am sitting here on the turnpike trying to figure out where I should go and what I should do?"

She continued "Part of me wants to come home to you scream at you and make things better, but then Will calls out of the blue and says that he would like to see me tonight."

"Will called you tonight?" he asked.

He could feel his senses sharpen through the haze of pain in his head.

"Yes, he called and said he needed to talk to me."

"First of all, where are the girls Dibbs?" he asked.

His thoughts became clearer.

"Tina has them. She took all of the kids to a movie. She wanted me to have some alone time to think."

James had no idea why Will would have called her or why she was on her way back down the turnpike.

"Why did he call you? What did he want?" James could feel the anger and betrayal building inside of him and he knew that it came out in his voice.

"I have no idea James... he just called me and said that he wanted to see me."

She started to cry again.

"James I am so confused by all of this" she tried to catch her breath, "I know I was wrong too, I was wrong to do the tings I did to you but it was only after I had found out about you and that slut from school. I just met Will one day and I was mad and hurt by you."

James just listened; he knew she needed to get it out.

"He was so dashing a handsome, he made me feel beautiful and sexy" her voice changed, she regained some of her composure.

"James, he said all the right things, the things that you were not saying to me because you were running around with that husband stealing tramp."

James fought the urge to defend Leah at that moment, he knew that he deserved to have Sheila yell at him and in one respect she was right. Leah had known James was married, but that never seemed to matter to her.

"Will knew all the right things to say and he made me feel alive again. I know that is horrible and I am so sorry for ever letting him get to me, but I was hurt James, I was hurt and felt very alone."

James cleared his throat. He didn't know what to say to her.

"I don't expect you to say anything, just listen, we have both made some mistakes, but we were trying to work through them, what you and I have is more important than the mistakes we made. But to find that letter from that other woman... well, it hurt, it hurt me more then I could have ever guessed"

She stopped talking to try and collect herself again.

"Who is she James? Who is this new woman? And how can she feel so strongly for you? How long has this been going on with her?"

James' voice almost failed him as he tried to explain everything to Sheila.

"Dibbs, she was an old friend that..." his voice cracked again and the pain in his head was agonizing.

"Ok, listen" she stated, "I am going to come home and you and I are going to talk about this. I care about you too much and I care about our family too much to let this destroy all that we have worked for."

James wanted that more than he knew, but he also knew that it would just complicate things.

"You don't have to do that Dibbs. It's raining and you're upset, you should just go back to your sister's and have a glass of wine. We can talk tomorrow."

He lied to her, but he knew if she came down tonight he wouldn't follow through with his plan.

"No" she said, "we need to talk and tonight is as good a time as any. I haven't slept a wink in two days and we need to talk about this."

He knew it was a lost cause to argue with her at this point.

"Where are you now?" he asked.

"I am at the rest stop near Jennersville, the one with the Arby's you used to love."

That gave him about forty-five minutes until she was home, maybe an hour with the weather.

"Ok" he replied, "please drive safe and I will talk to you when you get here."

He would make it home in plenty of time before she got there.

"I will James, see you soon" she said, "and James?"

"Yes" he replied.

"I love you... that has never changed."

"I love you too Dibbs, I love you too."

He meant that and hoped that she would always remember it.

He ended the call and stared out across the empty lot where he was parked and wondered about all that had transpired today and all that he still needed to do.

James started the car and turned back onto the road headed towards his neighborhood. The house would be cold and empty when he arrived and he needed it to be that way.

****

On his way out the door to his lunch date with Karen, James tossed his fishing gear the trunk. It had been too long since he had wet his line. And he figured he might need the time to think after talking to Karen.

They had made arrangements to meet at a place over in Fairview; it was a small Italian place that made the best garlic knots James had ever tasted. It was a little out of the way and James didn't need to worry about running into anyone he knew.

On the way there James blared the radio. He jammed out to some of his favorite classic rock tunes.

He was drumming on his steering wheel, waiting at a red light, when a sharp pain started to radiate from behind his left eye. He could not remember ever experiencing anything like that before in his life.

James was temporarily blinded.

He was nervous and confused by the sensation.

The pain dissipated and his vision slowly returned. His head felt numb and his thoughts were momentarily jumbled and confused.

It took a moment for him to take stock on where he was and what he was doing.

The light changed and he drove off.

James gave little thought to the pain he experienced and it wasn't until later in the week that it happened again with more severity.

He arrived at the restaurant early and waited in the parking lot for Karen to arrive. He had nothing to be concerned about, but if she did stand him up for whatever reason, he didn't want to be sitting at a table alone when it happened.

He sat and listened to the radio, he had turned the station to country after the pain in his eye, his head just felt heavy and loud guitar riffs from classic rock bands were not what the doctor ordered.

Kenny Chesney was singing about his life and the changes that had occurred when he noticed the same familiar mini-van from the post office pull into the parking lot. He was now nervous, faced with seeing her again, James got that same dry mouth feeling and his hands started to sweat.

He got out of his car as she was walking to the door of the restaurant.

He called to her, "Hey lady, weren't you the one that almost ran down that guy in the post office parking lot the other day?"

She turned, smiled at him and James felt all the walls, he had worked so hard to build around his heart, collapse to dust.

There was the one person in James' life that had made his heart feel whole. Standing in the bright summer sun, shading her eyes with her hand, was the only woman that had made James truly feel alive and in tune with his mind and body. He was sure that there was a reason he had held on so long to her memory.

She was wearing a pair of linen slacks that hung freely at her ankles above her flip-flops. The light material of her loose fitting tank top left little to the imagination as the soft breeze teased the fabric around all of her curves. She was fit and her body was toned. James felt out of shape; he was not in the same shape as she had known.

She looked amazing, he found himself staring, taking her all in as he crossed the lot towards her.

"Yeah" she replied, "that was me. What's it to ya?"

James could do nothing but smile as he approached her.

They instantly embraced with no questions asked.

"You look stunning" he whispered as they held each other close.

"Why thank you Mr. Matheson, you don't look so bad yourself."

Their hug lasted longer than it should have for old friends, but it didn't matter to James at that moment. He was holding in his arms again, the woman who had haunted his dreams and controlled his heart for over ten years.

She backed away from him first and he was sad that they could not have held that embrace longer.

It wouldn't be until much later that he would realize that it was the last time he was able to hold her.

"Well, shall we?" she asked.

"We shall" he replied and opened the door for her.

The small restaurant was quaint. Decorated with old black and white photos of Mediterranean landscapes and aged Italian men on benches. The ceilings were low and the light from outside was diffused by rustic wooden shutters. Each table was set with fine white linens and the centerpieces were old wine bottles with candles burning from their necks; wax dripped down around the bottle like magma rolling from an active volcano.

They were seated by an elderly woman with a friendly smile.

Her hands were the shade of seasoned leather and her knuckles were large and rounded from arthritis.

"Right this way please" she said, "I always save this table for lovers."

She smiled and helped Karen with her chair.

"Oh no, thanks we are not lovers" James replied, somewhat embarrassed.

"We are just old friends, thanks."

The old woman nodded and seemed to listen to James but not hear him.

"You both have a look of love in your eyes, you may be friends, but I think there might be more feelings than that between the two of you."

The old woman scurried away before he could rebuttal and all James could do was chuckle at her observation.

It was true that there was more between them. It was unmistakable and the hug they just shared in the parking lot confirmed to James that Karen still had feelings for him.

"She may be right you know" Karen stated, "We both probably have the same goofy smile on our face right now."

"Well, she may be right, fine. Either way, it got us a really nice table for lunch" James joked.

She smiled again and his head was sent spinning. He felt as if he needed to pinch himself and he would wake from this dream. He had always thought he may see her again, but now here they were sitting together, having lunch and she looked as radiant as she did years ago.

****

The house appeared like a phantom in the night as he pulled into the driveway.

Completely dark, the house looked unwelcoming and almost menacing.

James never thought that he could ever feel that way about his home; it had always been a warm and friendly place. He had shared the humble home with his family and there were many memories stashed in the walls and tucked under the floorboards. He had always thought of his home as his refuge, the escape from all else. He and Sheila were raising their daughters under that roof and living their lives.

Now it sat as an empty shell, vacant of all the love that they had all shared under its roof. He remembered what the previous owner had told him about the house.

"This house is a strong, sturdy home. She will take care of you if you take care of her" the old man had lamented.

"Remember that home is where the heart is and where a family grows."

A fresh set of tears stung James' eyes as he rolled into the garage and out of the miserable weather. It had meant so much to him when they had bought the house. He had taken pride in the house and wanted his girls to have the very best he could provide. He could put into words how much it meant to be able to care for his father when he had needed James the most. Sheila had been so understanding, and their home was big enough that it never seemed like a burden to have his Dad living with them.

But now the house was empty, cold and lonely. Sheila had taken the girls and James had been here in the house alone and miserable.

He had gotten the news about Karen from the obituaries of all places. It had been the morning after Sheila had left, he was sitting at the table in the kitchen reading the paper and trying to keep so sort of normalcy in his life that seemed to be careening out of control.

He had not spoken to Sheila or the girls, his friend and doctor was screwing around with his wife or his father who was deteriorating both mentally and physically.

James could not understand all that was happening and why.

There was a constant throb in his head now and no medication whatsoever seemed to help the pain.

James entered the kitchen from the garage and noticed that the paper still lay open to the obituary section where he had read about Karen's death.

The empty bottle of whiskey and broken glass lay on the floor.

Glass crunched under his shoes as he moved across the tiled floor and into the family room.

James was surrounded by pictures of his family. Candid shots of the girls in the backyard and family photos from vacation covered the walls.

Sheila loved to be surrounded by photographs, she had always said that those memories would be captured forever and could be remembered that way. His heart was heavy as he sat down on the couch and looked at all the pictures of his family. Images of a happier time in his life spiraled around him and mocked him.

His whole life had come down to this moment where he realized that his conflicted heart had driven him to ruin all that was good in his life. He had destroyed the wonderful marriage and relationship he had with Sheila. He had never been the truly exceptional father that his girls deserved. His desire to recall and relive those moments under the stars with Karen had caused James to take his whole entire life for granted. He never truly realized how much Sheila meant to him or how important she had been in his life. His daughters would never understand what type of man he was or why he had done the things he did to up heave their childhoods. How could never explain to them that sometimes there is a person in your life that touches your heart so deeply that you may never be able to get that person out of you. And if that person, your soul mate, is not the one you end up spending the rest of your life with, no matter what you do or where your life takes you, that one person will always be with you.

James had love and still did love Sheila very much, but he could now honestly say that she was not his soul mate. She is his best friend and he cared very deeply for her but he had done too much wrong to her. She could never forgive him for all that he had done to hurt her and the girls.

James was stirred out of his thoughts by the slash of headlights through the window and across the wall.

He had been trying to write a quick note to Sheila, one that expressed his true feelings. He wanted to write her a note to help her try and understand everything and why he did what he had done.

The splash of headlights across the room changed that and he wondered how Sheila had gotten home so fast. He knew from speaking to her earlier that she was still a good forty five minutes away from home. James waited for her to turn off the car and come inside, but there car just sat in the driveway with its lights glaring into the house.

James walked out of the garage door and was surprised to see a large, white SUV sitting in the driveway.

****

It was several days after they had first had lunch that Karen invited James to her house for brunch. They had enjoyed such a nice time at the quaint restaurant with too much food and way too much wine; it was hard for James to refuse the invitation.

Being with Karen was easy; it had always been that way. There was something about her that relaxed James and made him feel at ease and comfortable. James was aware of the position he was putting himself in, but he felt good about all of it. He had no intentions of hurting Sheila again, and he had no intention of doing anything to further jeopardize his marriage.

During their lunch together they had reminisced and shared memories Orion. They laughed at the good times and cried when they talked about Tim. It had been so nice to just catch up with her, to see her again and to know that she had moved on and lived her life after that summer.

Karen met James at her front door in a light cotton tank top and a denim skirt. Her hair was up in a pony tail, high on the back of her head. She looked ten years younger; much like the girl James knew and fell in love with under the hot summer sun.

She smiled carelessly and offered him a drink as she led him through the first floor of her small, humble townhouse.

Evidence of her boys cluttered the corners of the front family room and their school pictures covered the refrigerator.

Karen brought James a cool glass of iced tea with a fresh slice of lemon floating amongst the ice cubes. It tasted cool and refreshing. James was amazed at how good she looked, and how much he still adored her. Their conversation was light as Karen prepared the meal for them to share.

"I hope you don't mind omelets" she inquired.

"Absolutely not, I love eggs, from my head down to my legs" James quipped, it sounded corny before he even said it.

Karen smiled at him and just shook her head.

"At least some things will never change. You are still a complete and total dork Jimmy."

"Hey" he responded, "I take offense to that. I am pretty sure you liked all the jokes I used to tell. And If I remember correctly, this big dork won you over didn't he?"

"Yes. Yes you did win me over."

Karen served a fresh cut fruit salad and egg white omelets with cheese and tomatoes. They ate out on her back deck under the shade of a huge silver maple that covered her backyard with its immense leaf covered limbs.

The morning had turned out to be absolutely spectacular and a light breeze shifted through the trees as they enjoyed good food and friendly conversation together.

They shared stories about their families and kids; they shared about their careers. They talked about what it had been like after that summer and what had happened in their lives.

James talked about Sheila and the girls. He bragged about how beautiful his two little girls were and showed pictures from his cell phone.

The conversation slowly turned serious when the topic of her divorce came up. Karen talked about her ex-husband and the way it just never seemed right between them.

James could tell that it pained her to speak of her failed marriage.

"We were young and thought we were in love" she stated.

"We rushed into something we both thought we could make work. It was stupid and we never should have forced it. But the boys came along and it seemed like we had to make it work no matter what."

James sat quietly and listened to her open her heart to a painful time in her life.

"He was so busy with med school and when I first got pregnant we were both so excited."

She wiped the corners of her mouth with her napkin and laid it next to her plate. Her eyes looked heavy with sorrow and sadness.

"Did you know that Dave set us up?"

"Dave who?" James asked, wondering what she was talking about.

"Dave Yocum, you remember him, from Orion. He set me and Will up. Dave and I had stayed in touch after camp was over and he had invited me to a frat party. That is where I met Will. He was so young and handsome, he was so smart and clearly making something of himself..." she continued to talk, but James was still hung up on the name she had just said.

Dave Yocum, not only one of the guys he had considered a friend that summer but also the guy, Tim had told him, who slipped right into his spot in Karen's arms when James had left camp.

A mix of jealousy and anger started to brew inside of James.

He felt ridiculous for letting something so far in the past bring his blood to a boil so quickly.

He could not believe that she had stayed in touch with Dave but she had never once reached out to him, or tried to contact him.

"... It wasn't long before we were living together, when he asked me to marry him" she continued.

"It seemed like the right thing to do, you know, what we had shared was so magical, but I knew that it was not to be. I fell in love with Will and he made me so happy in the beginning."

James could not help himself; his envious nature got the best of him.

"Dave, really? You stayed in touch with Dave but you never once tried to contact me? Seems kinda weird to me. After all we went through, I thought there was more between us..." he tried to continue, but she abruptly cut him off.

"It wasn't like that. Dave was a nice guy, we just clicked as friends and we lived near each other when he moved out this way for grad school in the city. And as for you, James I had wished ten thousand times a day that we would see each other again" she paused, her eyes started to mist over with tears.

A small, simple smile came across her face.

"From the day you left, I have hoped and prayed that I would get to see you again Jimmy, for the past ten years I have wished for that. I went on with my life, did the things I thought I was supposed to do. I fell in love, or what I thought was love and I got married and we had kids."

She stopped talking and wiped the tears away from her cheeks.

"I have never been able to stop thinking about you Jimmy" she continued.

Her emotions were easy read on her face. She was still very hurt and confused by everything that had happened in her life.

"You left a mark on me Jimmy, you and your sensitive eyes. Your caring touch and your intense presence. I have never been able to get over the way you made my heart sing or the way you made my soul yearn for more of you every day since we parted."

James' mouth was bone dry; he could feel the sweat prickle on his skin.

"Jimmy, you were the only man that I think I have ever loved. You are the reason I could never love Will the way I loved you. I am not blaming my failed marriage on you, please do not get the wrong impression. I am just..." with this she finally broke her gaze from his.

"Jimmy, I was young and confused at that point in my life and was unable to see what it was that both of us had in each other. The time we spent together that summer and the moments we shared are ones I have never forgotten."

James just looked at the beautiful woman in front of him and was speechless; his mind was spinning out of control.

He could not believe his ears or his eyes.

Here was the one woman in his life that had matched his heart beat for beat, the one woman who all others after her were compared, and she was telling him that she had the same thoughts and feelings that he did after all these years apart.

He had so much he wanted to tell her, so much he wanted to ask her; so many questions left unanswered for too long.

"Why did you never call?" he asked.

"Why did you never reach out to me and tell me these things before?"

Her eyes were filled with tears again and she looked visibly shaken by his words.

She hesitated, weighing her words in an effort to better tell him what she was thinking.

"James, what we had was something very special. I believe we connected on such a level that, being so young, we never knew how powerful it really was. I couldn't reach out to you. I was terrified to think that you did not feel the same way and that rejection would have killed me."

James felt his heart beat quicken as he tried to explain himself and to also find out what she had been thinking for all these years.

"But we have spent so much of our lives wondering about each other. And we spent so long yearning for what it was we had together and searching to replace that love we shared."

"Look at us, you are divorced and my marriage is struggling."

James just stared at Karen, her eyes filled with tears. He could not understand why it had come to this after so long.

"Karen, you were the one. It was you that made me the man that I am today. It was your love that made me feel whole and complete. I know we were young and I know we were naïve to what really mattered that summer, but you have also never left my mind. Yes, you may have become a distant memory for several years but it didn't take but a song or a memory to bring you clawing back to the surface real and vibrant as ever."

James swallowed hard; he could see that she felt the same and that what they were sharing under the shade of that maple tree was more than what either of them expected out of this meeting.

"Karen you need to know one thing, you need to know that I have never stopped loving you, I have never stopped thinking about you and the way things might have been. You..."

James was cut short by his cell phone chirping.

"Excuse me, I'm sorry, but it looks like the camp number where the girls are."

James answered the call and the nice woman on the other end told him that Miranda had fallen and her knee was pretty banged up.

The nurse recommended that James come get her and take her to the ER. She was worried that the cut may need stitches. James told her he would be right there and ended the call.

He turned to Karen, but she had cleared their plates and was back inside rinsing the dishes in the sink.

"I am so sorry, but I have to go get Miranda. She fell and the nurse says she may need stitches in her knee."

Karen just looked at him and smiled.

James had so much more he needed to say, so much more he wanted to tell her.

"That's fine, go get her and take care of her. We will finish our conversation another time."

James wanted so badly to hold her close and tell her how much she meant to him after all these years, but the moment had passed and he thanked her for the delicious brunch.

She showed him to the door and kissed him lightly on the cheek as he left.

"Why were we so stupid back then Jimmy? You are such a good man and I envy your wife for all that she has in you."

Other than the words she had written him in her letter she wrote that afternoon and mailed to him, those were the last words Karen ever spoke to James.

She was killed two days later, an innocent bystander stuck down by a senseless criminal.

James had found out that she had been caught in the crossfire between a gas station clerk and the gunman that tried to hold up his corner station for twenty-two dollars and some cigarettes. Karen had been grazed by a bullet that hit her in the neck. The wound was severe enough that it sliced her carotid and she bled out on the cold, oil stained concrete next to her car.

Her life was cut short in an instant, her children left motherless and James left to forever wonder what may have been.

****

James shaded his eyes from the harsh glow of the large SUV's headlights as he walked out to the edge of the garage.

The rain was still falling but only in a light drizzle.

It appeared that Mother Nature was not quite finished with the rain and there was still some moisture left in that big old sponge she wrung out over this part of the world.

As James reached the end of the garage, he stopped just under the overhang and stayed under the roof out of the rain.

The driver of the SUV extinguished the lights but left the vehicle running.

The windshield wipers beat out a slow, rhythmic pace across the glass.

James looked out into the night and at Will, who was seated in the driver's seat. He stared at James but did not move.

James' head was beyond throbbing now, the pain was debilitating, almost paralyzing. He stood there in the garage and shrugged his shoulders to Will, as if to question why he was here.

Will exited the car, but left the driver's side door open. He rounded the door and faced James as he stood in the driveway.

That is when James saw the gun in Will's hand.

Will had a look of sheer terror and anguish on his face. He looked like a man possessed.

Will was always very nicely dressed. His pants always creased and his shirts starched and ironed.

But now he looked disheveled and dirty.

His pants had a stain that James did not remember seeing earlier in the evening and his shirt was un-tucked on the one side. His hair stood in different directions on his head and his eyes were crazed.

James could not take his eyes off the gun in Will's right hand, and as the wind carried the smell of liquor to James' nose, he knew that Will was drunk.

"You son-of-a-bitch" Will slurred, "Do you have any idea how lucky you are? Do you know exactly what kind of lucky man you are?"

"Will, you are drunk" James stated the obvious.

"Put the gun down and we can talk."

"No. No I will not put the gun down. I came here to shoot you and that is what I intend to... to do."

James' tried to clear some of the pain so he could think.

"What are you talking about Will? What have I done to you?"

James paused; his anger for Will seemed to rise from deep within.

"You were the one who had an affair with my wife."

Will stared at him blankly.

"I am going to shoot you because you ruined my life."

****

The letter from Karen had come on the morning before his scheduled CT scan. Sheila was already off to work and James had just come back from dropping the girls off at camp. The letter was addressed to Mr. James Matheson and he recognized her looping, swirling handwriting instantly.

James took the letter to the breakfast table in the kitchen and sat down. He opened the letter. It read:

Dear Jimmy,

As I sit here on my porch after having spent the morning with you, I have come to several conclusions. My life has been the way it has because of you. I have made good decisions and I have made mistakes, but always there was you through it all. I have spent so long wishing that there could have been something different between us. If only we had made another choice that day in August. If only I had stopped you from leaving, if only I had told you how I truly felt about you. My mind lets me wander some days to what it would have been like if you had come back to me on the day, if you had decided to choose me over her. I still wish that I had been strong enough to tell you the truth. I am sure that things would have been different, and I would not be where I am today. Do not get me wrong, I love my kids, more than life itself, but the pain of never knowing what we could have shared still stings to this very day. Your wife is a very lucky woman, a woman that I am jealous of and will always wish I could be.

I feel like I am rambling, just writing my thoughts without really knowing what I am trying to say. I need you to know certain things now; I need to tell you things that I was never able to say before. I never had the strength to tell you that I loved you back then. I was young and confused, but I knew even then that what we shared under all of those stars that summer was more powerful than either of us could have imagined. My heart fell for you James. My soul entwined with yours on a level I would not understand for years to come. I married and had children. I moved on with my life, but the memory of you and the memory of what you made me feel has never left me. I can say without a doubt that you are my soul mate James. You are the perfect match to my heart and the one true love of my life. It has been a long journey to come full circle like this and running into you and seeing you again has been the best thing to happen to me in a while. It made my heart soar to see you and touch you again. It made my heart leap at the thought of you being in my life again. It brings a smile to my face just to think about holding you again and sharing quiet moments again.

I wanted you to know these things, I wanted you to know how I felt after all these years. Part of me wishes that you would choose me over her this time, but I know you have a family and that is way too important to shove away for me. But know that I will be here and there is nothing more I could want in my life right now than to be able to once and for all show you my true and undying love for you everyday for the rest of my life. I know that it is unrealistic and we will move past this. My life is good. My kids are wonderful and my new job is just the change I need to move forward. Our lives can mesh in some way hopefully. My life has room for you always. My heart has never forgotten you. I want only the best for you and want you to know that my life and the way it is are for me to deal with and not your problem. My life is good, and will continue to be that way now that you are back in my life. And yours can and will be the same... You will look back on this in five years and smile. I will be a distant memory, that happy thought that makes you remember that you are still alive and that will make your heart race for just a second. I will be that love poem that makes you think about feeling something and really liking it. We will get past "us" and only be able to remember the chance we gave each other to feel like we still had it and that we were able to share that experience together. You will have a long happy life, you will raise those beautiful girls and try to teach them right. And when your daughters come to you and tell you they found a new guy that makes their heart flutter, but what should they do about their other boyfriend, you may have better insight into what they are feeling.

James, you are a wonderful and compassionate man. Your wife and family are lucky to have you and they are blessed to share their lives with you.

I wanted to tell you that I will always love you and I firmly believe, that will never change. I am so happy that you are in my life again.

All my heart and love,

Karen

James was not shocked by her words.

He was not surprised by her honesty.

He delighted in the fact that after all these years he now knew that she felt the same way for him.

He had not been crazy to think that what they had shared was more than just a lustful summer romance. He had touched her heart as deeply as she had touched his.

Thoughts of long conversations with Tim by the fire came rushing back to him.

"You gotta tell her how you feel. You need to be honest with yourself."

His best friend's voice echoed in his head as he sat in the late morning sun looking over the delicately written letter in his hands.

She had loved him in return, and Tim had been right. It was never going to be settled between them until they both knew the truth, whatever that may have been.

James' heart seemed at ease.

His mind, although plagued with the constant pain, seemed at peace for once in a long time.

He took a deep breath and held it. He slowly let the air out as he felt his troubled soul come to some sort of tranquil state.

This letter in front of him explained so much and helped him see that he was not wrong to have felt the things he felt and to have held on to such a powerful sensation for so long.

He knew his marriage was rocky, but they had been working thru it all. They were making progress together, for themselves and for the girls.

James knew that this letter would help him to come to terms with his feelings for Karen, but also his feelings for Sheila and how important she really was to him.

It was at that moment in his kitchen that James made the decision to change his ways.

He was going to be a new man.

He would come to terms with all that he felt for Karen and be able to lock those feelings away and be able to remember them as something he would never be able to experience again but also for him to cherish.

Karen had played such a big role in his life for so long, but that role was marred with doubt and questions. He knew the truth now and that seemed to release the bounds. He felt renewed by her honesty and made a decision to tell her how he felt for her in return.

He owed that to her, the truth.

He went for a pen and paper, but as he searched for a pen in the desk drawer, he noticed the time and remembered his appointment.

He took the letter to his sock drawer and placed on top, closing it away and hiding it from Sheila. He knew she would not understand and it would just start a fight or worse.

Mentally making a note to himself to write his feelings back to Karen, James grabbed his keys on his way out and headed to his CT scan at the imagining center.

It was later that evening, after the girls were in bed and James was watching one of the many mindless reality shows that plague television, that Sheila came into the room holding the letter from Karen.

In her other hand she held a pair of James socks from the clean laundry she had been putting away.

Her face showed little of anger but more of hurt and shame.

She demanded an explanation, tears welled in her eyes.

The slight shade of hurt changed to rage as she clenched the letter in her fist.

James tried, with no avail, to explain the words this woman had written him. He tried to explain that she was just someone that had meant something to him long ago. She had been a fling, a summer thing the summer after college.

"She tells you that she has always loved you James! She claims that you are her soul mate, her one and only!" Sheila screamed.

James winced at his wife's fury, he had hurt her again and he knew this time there would be no repairing it.

This time the hurt was too deep, too painful.

James could see in Sheila's eyes that although they had been through some much and that she had made mistakes too. But the knowledge that James had been with another before they were married just left too much doubt in her mind.

James felt that the trust was all but lost between them.

She had stormed off to their room after their fight, leaving James alone with his thoughts and the letter from Karen.

She had not spoken to him in the morning when she left for work.

When he had returned from the grocery store that afternoon, he had found her note.

Sheila was gone and she had taken the girls with her.

James had cried that day for the first time in a long time; he had gone to visit his dad that evening and cried some more on the drive home.

He felt absolutely and totally alone in his life.

James felt like his life was crumbling around him and he had no one to blame but himself for all of the mistakes he had made.

****

Sweat began to bead on James' forehead, he had come to his own terms with dying, but to be gunned down by a drunken lunatic was not the way he had intended to go.

With no regard for his own safety, and against all his better intentions, James took a step out of the garage towards Will and the gun he now had pointed at James' head.

"Will, what are you talking about?" he questioned.

Will stared at James, tears had filled his eyes and his hand shook as he held the gun in front of him.

"What am I talking about? You bastard! You don't even know what you meant to her, you don't even know how much she loved you."

James was puzzled by Will's apparent ramblings.

"She always loved you more, she chose you in the end over me and she never stopped loving you..."

James tried to cut in, "Will she's my wife, we share a love that..."

"Not Sheila you idiot! Karen! My now dead ex-wife!"

James stared in silence, stunned by Will's words.

"She loved you before we were married, she loved you while she was pregnant with my children, and she loved you when we got divorced and she tried to take everything away from me."

James could not say anything; he just looked into Will's eyes and saw the deep hurt buried within them.

"You are the son-of-a-bitch that my wife thought of when she was with me, you are the bastard that took what I thought was a good marriage and ruined it."

"Sheila was just my way of trying to pay you back for the hurt you caused me. I couldn't have asked for a better end of the deal when you ended up having that time bomb in your head just waiting to kill you."

"Will," James muttered, "I don't understand..."

"What is there to be confused about? You ruined my life so I set out to ruin yours, it was not coincidence that we met on the golf course that day, I planned it. I stalked you and watched you. I made my move on Sheila when I saw that you were fucking that sweet piece of ass from the high school."

He continued and his voice grew louder and more enraged.

"Fuck me if it wasn't just the icing on the cake when you came to me with your headaches. It was like a fucking blessing from above. The one man I couldn't hate more was suffering from the worst kind of brain tumor you can imagine!"

Will started to waver in his stance and steadied himself against the side of his car.

"You self-righteous bastard, you wife stealing asshole!" James screamed at him.

Will just snickered and waggled the gun, forcing James to focus on the weapon again.

"Me? An asshole? Don't forget who's holding the gun Mr. Name-Caller."

Will stared James down again and cleared his throat, spitting the phlegm unto the rain soaked macadam in front of him.

"Do you know what it feels like to have your whole life ruined by the woman you love when she tells you she loves another man and it has always been that way? Do you know what it is like to realize that all that you thought was real was just a lie?"

James stood statue still, listening to Will rant angrily.

"I do not think you know how much pain you have caused me in my life James. I lost everything when she walked out on me because she finally realized one night after finishing one of her god damned Nicholas Sparks's books. She realized that she truly loved you and that would never change!"

Will wiped his running nose on his sleeve and his eyes started to overflow with tears.

"She was my everything, she was my life!"

"If she was your life, why were you cheating on her?" James asked quietly.

"Ah, fuck that. You of anyone should know it gets stale in the home bed, a man needs to go out and find something fresh once in a while, am I right old James my boy? That sexy little thing from the school really seems to know how to fuck, huh?"

James did not reply, he just stared at Will with no pity or sympathy.

"Karen meant more to me than you will ever understand James, and you took that all away. So now I am going to take everything away from you and the ones you love."

Will pulled back the hammer on the revolver and the chamber rotated, putting a bullet into the firing position.

James swallowed hard, not sure how this was going to end and wishing that it could be different, wishing that he could make things right for everyone.

The pain he saw in Will's eyes made James realize that it must be the same pain that Sheila had felt. The same hurt she had experienced when he told her about Karen that evening they fought about the letter.

"Will," James started, "you have every right to hate me, and to blame me for what you think I did to you, but you have to know that your wife made her own decisions, I had not seen her in over ten years."

Will just stared, his eyes burned into James and the gun was still firmly pointed at James' head.

James suddenly felt a sense of frustration and anger; he took another step closer to Will.

Will's stance did not waver this time; he kept the gun trained on James.

"Go ahead you coward!" James screamed, his anger was boiling over and he could no longer restrain himself.

"Shoot me you son-of-a-bitch! Shoot me if you have the guts."

"Or are you too weak to do that just like you were too weak to fight for your wife. She didn't leave because of me. She left because she realized that she would never have in you what she once felt with me. You failed her as a husband you asshole and she needed to move on. You are too self centered to realize that I was just a reason for her leave you, she knew that there was more out there for her!"

James' words stung Will, he could see that. But the man's anger outweighed his ability to reason at that moment.

"You are unbelievable. I have a gun pointed at your head and all you can think is to blame me? My wife left me for you James. She left me to find you again and to get back her true love. So, I found you first and tried to ruin your life like you ruined mine."

Will took one step closer to James and the gun's barrel now rested only inches from James' forehead.

"And by the way, your wife fucks like an animal Jimmy boy."

Will laughed a harsh, evil, deep throated laugh.

"I am not going to let that tumor take you out James, I am going to do that myself..."

James closed his eyes and waited. His head throbbed with an immense pain.

He heard from behind Will, the sound of another car.

Tires screeched and he heard a woman's scream. He opened his eyes and saw Sheila running up the driveway towards them.

He Stared at Will's eyes and then at the barrel of the gun. He saw Will's finger on the trigger and he could hear Sheila screaming as she got closer.

There was a flash and James' world went dark forever.

****

Sheila sat in her kitchen with a blanket wrapped around her shoulders.

"Just a couple more questions Mrs. Matheson. I am sorry. This must be really hard on you. You have been so strong thus far and I appreciate that" the officer stated as he went over her statement again.

Her eyes drifted to the table in front of her, not really registering any one thing as she scanned the table top and then the room.

James' body had been taken away in a body bag by the coroner and Will's body had been collected in the same fashion.

The whole scene flashed in front of her again and she shuddered as the thought of the gun shots rang in her ears.

"Are you okay, Mrs. Matheson?"

Sheila refocused on the young officer seated next to her. His hair was wet from the rain and drops of water beaded on his crisp uniform and covered his hat that sat on the table.

"Yes, I'm fine considering..." her voice trailed off.

"That is completely understandable. You said that you sister is coming to get you?"

"Yes, she is on her way now."

"That is good. Someone in your state of shock should not be alone right now."

He flipped thru the notes he had been taking while interviewing her.

"I'm sorry to keep rehashing this, but you said that Dr. Greene had the gun pointed at you husband's head when you pulled up to the house. Was your husband gesturing or seemingly provoking Dr. Greene in anyway that you could tell?"

"No," she answered quietly, "James was just standing there."

Sheila could see James' body buckle in her mind and she remembered how he fell after the bullet tore through his skull.

In an instant Will had put the gun to his temple and with another pull of the trigger, he sprayed the contents of his head all over the hood of his SUV.

Sheila had screamed in sheer terror as the events unfolded. Neighbor's lights went on and it was not long before the flashing strobes of police cars filled the air around their home.

"Thank you Mrs. Matheson, I think that will be all for tonight. You may be contacted by a detective at a later time to discuss this matter further."

The young officer looked at Sheila with a kind, concerned face.

"I am truly sorry for your loss ma'am."

The young officer took his hat from the table and left the kitchen area.

As Sheila sat stunned in her seat, she realized she felt numb all over as if it wasn't real and this could not have been happening.

Another officer approached Sheila holding a small piece of note paper in her hand. She politely smiled and handed her the piece of paper.

"I thought you might want to see this ma'am."

Sheila took the paper from the officer. The police woman nodded in respect and turned away.

Sheila held the note in her hands and read the words written on the paper.

Dibbs,

I cannot begin to tell you how sorry I am for everything. First, I want to tell you, that through all of this there has always been you...

The words on the paper just stopped.

Sheila's eyes welled with tears as she stared at the last thing her husband tried to tell her and she knew this was going to be harder than she could have ever imagined.
