 
Secrets Of Abuse Survival

By

Gabriel Woods

Copyright © 2019 by Gabriel Woods

The Right of Gabriel Woods to be identified as the Author of the work has been asserted by him in accordance with the Copyright & Related Rights Act, 2000

Cover design by Christian Quinlan

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means without the prior written permission of the Author, nor be otherwise circulated in any form of binding or cover other than that which it is published and without a similar condition being on the subsequent purchaser

Author`s Note

Unless otherwise attributed, all prose examples, both good and evil, were composed by the author

Contents

Introduction

The Chronicles of John Dunne

The Medical Model

The Altruistic Narcissist

The Macabre Dance

The Dissension of the Empath and Free Spirit

A Strong Sense of Self

A Special Mention on Validation

Survivors of Domestic Abuse

The Healthy Personality

Personality Theory

Effective Dating and Real Love

Domestic Abuse Victims and Dating

Legal and Court Protection

Surviving and Thriving after Domestic Abuse

References

Books by Gabriel Woods
Introduction

The original purpose of this book was to publish the diary entries of John Dunne the domestic abuse survivor. His diary entries are insightful, thrilling and sometimes terrifying. The events he has had to endure would be trying for most individuals. His story is a triumph over adversity and has the ingredients of the experiences of the Jews at the hands of the Nazi's. It is the same personality, the narcissistic personality, that tortured John and exterminated the Jews. The difference is only one of degree and even then, only to a very small degree. The determination of John to stand up for himself, assert his human rights and reclaim his life was and is phenomenal.

His diary entries alone were dramatic enough to publish. However, I felt there was something missing from the book.

Abuse varies slightly according to the personality and psychology of the victim. The narcissist can be involved in child abuse and even abuse on a staggeringly extreme level those of the religious institutions and concentration camps.

Originally, I planned to write about male domestic abuse since John Dunne is a male domestic abuse survivor and it seemed as a result the book should be about male domestic abuse. Then it made sense to me that I write additional chapters to include domestic abuse of both men and women. I further developed this book to include how to survive and thrive after abuse in general and domestic abuse specifically.

I had become inquisitive instead of shocked about domestic abuse and abuse in general, macabre as the subject matter is. John's diary entries spurred me on to further investigate abuse as I really had no understanding at all of abuse, very few people do. When I read John's diaries entries, I could understand his terror, his sense of hopelessness and I too could almost feel his pain such was the intense and graphic nature of the words and descriptions he wrote. I could feel his terror in the spaces between his words. I felt his inability to use words for which did not accurately describe his terrifying world and his sense of hopelessness. He derived comfort from the love he felt as so many people rushed to his assistance. He learnt that while he felt he amounted to nothing and was worthless, even unworthy of love, very many people came to his assistance many of which were strangers. Strangers showed how they loved him enough to work so closely with him to escape and later with legal issues even though John did not love himself.

John did not understand why the man he believed loved him could assault him twice, torture his mind and do so sadistically while laughing and smiling with glee. His abuser knew what he was doing was wrong. He often said this and enjoyed committing domestic abuse against John, all the more satisfying as his abuser knew his behaviour was illegal. John's abuser often liked to say the law would not help John and even if they did his abuser would strangle him and flee before the police would arrive.

I asked myself how did all of this come to be? This book then naturally evolved because as I researched one aspect of domestic abuse then that led me to another pertinent aspect and more after that. I adjusted to the organic nature of this book and the chapters developed as my understanding increased.

I have researched this book having spoken to professionals in domestic abuse such as support workers from Amen, a male domestic abuse support organisation in Ireland, and Women's Aid. I have read research papers and books. I have researched articles on the internet. I wanted to include many points of view using my research to explain these beliefs.

I contradict two dominant theories in the field of psychiatry and psychology concerning abuse. I support my opinion with research that narcissism, the supposed psychiatric diagnosis that is attributed to domestic abuse behaviour, is not a mental illness but a personality type. Narcissists are aware of and are fully responsible for their behaviour. I also discuss the popular theory of the co-dependent personality disorder and how this personality is to be a suitable partner for narcissists, that they are similar. This theory is widespread and commonly believed. I make the point that this is an oversimplification of the domestic abuse relationship. I suggest a theory of personality types that offer a wider scope to the co-dependant and how these personality types influence how domestic abuse begins and what the outcome of leaving the domestic abuser might be. My theory could also be described as complimenting the co-dependent narcissistic relationship theory.

I include a not very well-known aspect of domestic abuse which is the biochemical changes in the body of the victim over time during domestic abuse that makes it very difficult for victims to leave the domestic abuser and I will explain how this happens. John's diary entries are so insightful as to compliment the research and even explain much of the findings of the research I have included in this book. It is because of this John's diary entries come first before the rest of the chapters. It became clear to me as the book developed was that the processes of domestic abuse, and abuse in general, are almost the same for both men and women. The narcissist who is typically the domestic abuser, uses the very same techniques on all his victims. There are other personality types that are part of what have been termed as cluster B. This is the umbrella term for sociopaths, borderline personality disorder, histrionic personality disorder, antisocial personality disorder and narcissistic personality disorder, psychopath and others. All of these are capable of domestic abuse they mostly differ in how they do so. In this book I use the term domestic abuser to describe all these personality types. I use the term narcissist when the behaviour pattern is particularly narcissistic. This widens the scope of my description of domestic abuse as many professionals and those with knowledge about domestic abuse usually state narcissists as the offender involved in domestic abuse. Cluster B personality disorders such as psychopaths can also be culprits so I use the term the term domestic abuser in parts of the book. I will state the term narcissist when domestic abuse is caused by narcissists.

An interesting aspect of this book is that I explain a little about why there are so many varied reactions by authorities for example police, the court system and psychiatrists to domestic abuse victims. As I started to write the book, I was very concerned with the abuse of human rights, I believed there to be a frightening negligence by the authorities to assist domestic abuse victims. My attitude changed slightly after I conducted research for this book and I learned that domestic abuse, for professionals, is a minefield for them.

Domestic abuse has many grey areas yet the law tries to hammer a methodical, logical reasoning to domestic abuse. This is the nature of any legal system. It can be difficult for professionals to determine the nature of the abuse as determined by legislation unless of course a woman or man arrives in Accident and Emergency almost battered to death, then the domestic abuser has seriously stepped well over the line and broken the law. Usually abusers are too clever, their abusive actions too well-planned over weeks or months in advance to reveal the abuse of their victim in such a blatant graphic fashion.

It is important for the purposes of this book to note John's personality. John, in metaphysical literature, is an empath or free spirit, this is how John feels himself, he is not co-dependent, no doctor has diagnosed him co-dependent. For all intents and purposes, he was a free spirit before encountering narcissists and the manipulative devices of narcissists.

The classic relationship in domestic abuse is that of co-dependent and narcissist coupling together. The domestic abuser is abusive, often violent and manipulative with no morals. The co-dependent is also manipulative because he or she is determined to 'fix' those she identifies as needing help, she is not typically violent but often uses her own forms of abuse such as emotional abuse to enforce on others behaviours she has determined are appropriate for a particular person to perform. She will often be dependent on others to have her needs met rather than having independence and able to source her own needs. He or she desperately seeks approval so that others will decide to fulfil her needs. I will explore this relationship paradigm and the personalities involved later in this book.

John's personality is in stark contrast to the co-dependent personality. He was controlled for much of his life in an effort by others and himself to manage his bipolar diagnosis, which threatened to engulf him into permanent psychosis for the rest of his life. He disliked this control no matter how necessary it was. Hence, he never desired to control others having disliked being controlled himself and often sought to empower others, if that was what their desire was. He knew some people did not want help. His experience in life and his education taught him that. He did not realise when he was being controlled in the narcissistic relationship and the control his ex-partner had was not in his best interest, to say the very least.

John knows what strong pain is like as he has suffered intense pain himself many times both physical and mental and he feels a sensitivity towards others. He wants to help people but empower them at the same time, as helpful people had done for him. He has a natural love of people despite very many occasions when he could have lost all trust in humanity. He values freedom and the freedom of others, human rights and people's ability to make choices. He has been independent very often and can manifest his own resources. He has been often fooled and taken advantage, he helped those who would deny the fact John ever gave assistance at often selflessly when he would not benefit. Yet he still managed to fall into the well-hidden and beautifully designed narcissist's trap, made just for him with all his healthy desires hopes and aspirations used against him enmeshed in the chains he would be bound with to the narcissist.

This book is most importantly about John's experience of domestic abuse, I will also explore the issues involved with abuse and the narcissistic personality to highlight what he has been through. The information is a backdrop to his experiences.

I have developed a theory that there are other personality types that can become involved with narcissists. I believe that the co-dependent personality is only one type of personality that can become involved in the domestic abuse relationship paradigm. I would like to introduce my theory that two additional personality types can become involved, that of the empath and free spirit. In these instances it is a taking advantage of the kindness, naivety, sensitivity and desire for fun that are so integral to them and the welfare of society, even humanity itself. The empath and free spirit are unwilling to enter a controlling abusive relationship and unknowingly begin a dance with the devil where even their many positive and well-adjusted characteristics are used to trap them so the narcissist can mine them for their attention and every drop of love they have. In return the narcissist abuses the empath and free spirit eventually becoming a clear and present danger to their lives.

The point I want to make clear is that the macabre dance between narcissist and co-dependent is an oversimplification.

My theory is important because I will explain that while the method the narcissist uses for trapping his victims is similar to all three personality types the bait used is different. A narcissist will select his victims by finding their weaknesses. In my theory the weaknesses, as the narcissist thinks of the co-dependent, empathy and free spirit are significantly different. So different so as to influence the form of the trap made by the narcissist. Why the victim decides to leave and how is also influenced by these three personalities. Most importantly, for the victim and those working with victims, the personality type will influence the outcome whether the victim manages to escape permanently and how this might come about. The reasons for leaving and the outcome of leaving the narcissistic relationship I believe is influenced by the behaviour, thinking and emotions typical to the people that can be described as co-dependent, empath and free spirit.

I take a different stance on narcissism than most authors or researchers have done. I demonstrate in this book, and I firmly believe, that narcissism is not a mental illness. The narcissist is the sum total of this person's personality. The difference may seem insignificant but there are important implications, for example mental illness states the person is not aware of their behaviour therefore they are not responsible whereas a personality type puts the responsibility for the person's behaviour squarely on the individual. My view has extremely serious legal implications.

Society does not like to think that narcissism is part of the human psyche, an exaggerated characteristic which is the ego, and prefers to see this personality as a permanent unmanageable mental illness. I believe we would benefit from studying these individuals with the approach that they are responsible for their behaviour. It is well documented in the research I have read and support workers I have spoken to that many, possibly all but it is never wise to generalise when it comes to the human mind, narcissists are fully aware of the pain they inflict on victims. They enjoy causing harm to their prey without experiencing guilt or regret. Narcissists plan their abusive attacks, which do not usually occur spontaneously. Anecdotal research suggests narcissists even enjoy speaking about their plans with other narcissists, and those considered normal, who will assist the narcissist to abuse their victim which is known as abuse by proxy. Narcissists are very often aware of what they do, especially in the context of sadistic and masochistic narcissism, which is not the case in genuine mental illness.

Maybe effective rehabilitation for a narcissist could be developed instead of declaring them incurable and stop or limit narcissists from causing such pain and violence on the rest of the innocent, caring, law respecting members of the public.

I explore further on in much more depth in this book why calling narcissism a mental illness is a gross disservice to society, abuse victims and people in general. During the Nuremberg trials post WW2 of the Nazi political and death camp leaders some of these individuals were found not guilty as they had been diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder.

The researched chapters I have included in this book rarely mention the Irish justice system and even then briefly. I treat the Irish court system separate to the rest of the authorities that become involved in domestic abuse as I think most professionals in Ireland do their very best to assist domestic abuse victims and do very admirable work. I also touch on the court systems approach to domestic abuse in other countries.

I have documented John's experiences in court.

What I will mention here of importance concerning the Irish justice system is that the time of writing this book in 2017 the United Nations criticized the lack of legal representation provided by the state for domestic abuse victims in Ireland. Some abuse victims have been forced to represent themselves in court as they have no finances to pay legal fees. Eilis Barry the CEO of FLAC, an organisation the offers free legal advice, attended a United Nations conference that examined Irish state officials present at the meeting on how Ireland treats women's rights. Eilis addressed the United Nations committee and expressed her concerns of the lack of legal representation for all domestic abuse victims in general. Eilis cited a case where a woman could not afford to pay €130.00 for legal aid from the Legal Aid Board. She was refused legal representation and because she had nowhere else to live had to allow her domestic abuser back into the home defenceless. The UN Committee recommended that the contribution of €130 to obtain civil legal aid under domestic abuse legislation be abolished.

I think this information speaks for itself about state and court bias against domestic abuse victims. John had met Eilis previous to this meeting. The UN discussion focused on female domestic abuse and Eilis stated to the committee that men were to be discussed too as men are frequently domestically abused.

I have met Eilis myself to discuss with her domestic abuse and legal aid. I can say she is very principled yet practical woman. In our meeting she radiated warmth of heart and showed a true and serious concern about domestic abuse in Ireland.

I include some practical advice about the Irish court system in the context of domestic abuse.

In 2016 Ireland was celebrating the anniversary of the Easter Rising; a group of poorly armed Irish rebels attacked the might of the British Empire to demand freedom and equal rights for all, the Irish Government refused to fund three domestic abuse shelters for women which were then forced to close.

I wish to write a few words on the terms used in this book. In Ireland the police are named using Irish words. Irish police are called Garda. The police plural are called the Gardaí or usually called the guards. The Irish police station is known as the Garda station. John's experiences with the Irish police are written using these terms.

I use the term narcissist and domestic abuser. Narcissist is the term used to describe some domestic abusers, and also the personality that abuses and bullies' people in other areas of life such as employment, school and more. Child abusers are also clinically called narcissists usually. I use the term "personality type" rather than diagnosis or illness in this book. I sometimes use the term "healthy personality" to mean a mature well-adjusted individual. I use the term narcissist when the domestic abuse is that of a narcissist and domestic abuser when the abuse is cluster B.

I am a Committee Member of The Irish Writers Union who are very protective of their members and writers in general. The Irish Writers Union represents many Irish writers' organisations and we are also connected to Unions across Europe. We are a very hands on Union and we frequently become involved in the legal issues of members. I want to thank the committee for their guidance in the writing of this book and their legal advice.

The adjustments I have made, including to John's diary entries, are in accordance with legal advice from a solicitor and the Irish Writers Union. To this effect I have changed the details of many involved or omitted the details of those written about in this book. The end result is this book is loosely based on non-fiction. John Dunne`s dairy entries apart from the changing of details such as names and places is in every other way unedited but is legible all the way through and makes for a very informative yet exciting read.

I originally regretted having to make these adjustments. However, writing the book this way means that the focus is on John's experiences, his associated thoughts and feelings, the repercussions that took place in his life as a result of his abuse. John in his raw diary entries has not written about all details of persons involved and locations because he is aware what people in his life look like, the locations he is familiar with and the appearances of those who became involved with his struggle.

I have done so due to legal advice I have received. I would prefer that I make adjustments to this publication so that I can publish this book and the important messages and information is received by domestic abuse victims. I strongly believe this book will assist abuse victims so I would rather write this book than not publish at all for fear of litigation.

Due to John`s undertaking of therapy developed by Melanie Tonia Evans Quantum Freedom Healing he has forgiven his abuser; he even pities him. He has used the terrifying events and the tumultuous feelings and thoughts associated typical of domestic abuse as events that have encouraged and promoted his growth as a person and in his life. His diary entries focus on himself as a means of self-therapy when his domestic abuse escalated.

The net effect of all these elements and adjustments put together is that narcissism is only used to explain specifically the behaviour of some domestic abuse behaviours. This book focuses on so many other aspects such as the nature of love and the unbreakable strength of the human spirit that eclipses the nature of the narcissist. The book has evolved into making the point that life has so much more to offer than the terror and hurt of domestic abuse.

If a narcissist or cluster B personality wishes to read this book he or she is very welcome to. However, this book is based very much on emotional content not only in John's diary entries but also peppered liberally throughout this book, even in the chapters that have research components. Domestic abuse is an emotional subject for most people, I have not divorced emotions from logic in this book rather they complement each other even while I use research to support my opinions and theories. Since narcissists do not understand emotions, I do not think this would be a useful book for such a disordered person to read. John, I and the domestic abuse charities will be very happy with the financial contribution.

I believe you the reader will understand domestic abuse having read this book. Certainly, I have written plenty for you to think about in regards not only to abuse but also human nature in general. I have no doubt you will discover shocking revelations about domestic abuse. While there is much darkness and suffering in this book, you will also read about the amazing kindness of many people that assisted John and continue to assist others. I write about both the lightness and darkness of the human psyche. I describe the very best of human compassion and love that people have in their hearts which compels them to help others. I also write about the dark side of humanity, the terrible torture and pain some are capable of inflicting on innocent people, being incapable of love or any other positive human emotion. The poem below expresses the pain of narcissistic abuse.

I remember how you stared at me

Your eyes sparkled

Light beams of admiration

You used to speak to me in your sleep

Truth from the depths of your soul "You are my

Everything"

I felt as if I'd been clicked into place

Every time our eyes met across a crowded room

A final realization of happily ever after

Disappointment poured from you like sweat

I slept in puddles of it, ate and drank it

Absorbed it into my own fluids and consumed it

A tortured soul, I pleaded with the night, contently you slept next to me

Nothing could fracture your rigidity

I tried all brands of words that slice I hate you for the gift of love you offered me

Perhaps without the loss of it I could have slept contently too.

\--Audrey Michelle, Survivor

The Chronicles of John Dunne

The Escalation of Jeffrey`s Abusive Behaviour 2016

May Portugal our First Day on Holiday

Jeffrey was angry after about his treatment by an Irish airline for being verbally abusive toward an air hostess in her late fifties. The staff were determined to prevent him from travelling. We only got on the plane because of my intervention. Regretfully I made excuses for him.

26th May

11.00

Jeffrey was still incensed, extremely angry, about the airline staff. He was shouting and cursing about the staff and the manager every morning and evening. Repeating over and over the same statements about the way he was treated. I made every effort to impress upon him that they reacted to him the way they did because he was abusive toward them. Instead of his anger decreasing he was increasing in anger. He was very angry with me too, shouting at me and making bitchy comments to me.

On this day I had enough and I said to him that I was on holiday, that it was time to just forget about it that we should try and enjoy our holiday. I also threatened to buy a ticket and fly back home if he continued to behave this way. I said I was most certainly going away for the day by myself. That he was really spoiling the holiday for me. That I was not able for his continuous obsessive complaining and anger. I needed to not be around him for the day so I could clear my head. With that I opened the apartment door and as I stepped out, he called out my name. I stopped in the kitchen to look at him around 20 foot from the door. He walked up to me and pushed me hard. His arms were drawn back to his shoulders. His hands shot toward me, his arms fully extending at speed from shoulders to hands approaching my chest with force from his shoulders. For me this had the effect of being punched on both sides of my upper chest because of the speed of his hands, his arms drawn backward then shot at me with speed. He is over a foot taller than me and broader than me. When you see someone punch someone, the person draws their fist back to their shoulder then the arms accelerate in speed to hurt on impact. Jeffrey used similar force except he was not using his fists, his hands were opened flat. However, the impact felt like being punched. I stumbled backwards and hit the balcony wall, almost tumbling over wall leading to a twenty-foot fall. Had I fallen from the balcony I would not only have broken my leg again but I could have sustained further injury. I bounced off the wall and toward the door where Jeffrey was standing, staring at me, showing no concern that I nearly fell over the wall. I was at the threshold of the door when Jeffrey slammed the door in my face, hard. He hit my face with the force of him closing the door and I hit the wall again.

This was the first time I became terrified, in any foreign country I had travelled in. I went down to the office area of the apartment complex. I thought Jeffrey would not find me there and if he did there were hotel staff around and he may be less inclined to cause me any trouble. Two hours later Jeffrey found me after texting me several times "Why don't we just start the day over"? His face was blank, not showing any emotion. Not even an apology. I did not answer so he went looking for me and he found me. He asked me would we go somewhere for the day. He did not mention the assault in the apartment. He said he brought sun cream if I wanted to put it on as I hadn't put it on in the apartment. I told him I had bought my own. I told him that I was spending the day on my own and to leave me alone for the day. He repeatedly asked me where we would go for the day. I told him to leave me alone and I would talk to him in the evening. With that I walked away to the beach. My head was truly spinning from all his complaining and anger. I was also annoyed that he went looking for me despite the fact I had told him to leave me alone.

6.30

I arrived back at the apartment. Jeffrey continued to insult me. I should not have left him for the day and why did I not answer his messages. The arguments on holiday were my fault he said. I cried and sobbed crying harder and harder unable to put up with Jeffrey`s continuing anger and abusive behaviour for 4 days. I felt I was getting worn down because of the tension I felt from his abusive behaviour. He continued accusing me the terrible day I had was my entire fault, my despair made no difference to him. During that evening of I felt that he was studying me. I noticed he was watching me intently when I cried or when I was upset. I was not sure why. He asked me what it was he said or did that upset me although he would not apologize for his anger or nasty comments. His outbursts were always my fault. Now I think that he was trying to figure out what upsets me. I do have Bipolar, but I have done a hell of a lot of work on myself. Now, I am comfortable and happy to be who I am. Yes, it would be hard to find weaknesses in me because I have very few. I think he learned I am terrified of physical attack because of my leg, terrified of him interfering with my medical treatment and that the thought of him interfering with my healthy lifestyle also upset me because my diet and lifestyle which prevents a whole spectrum of health issues occurring. During the holiday and when we came home tried to threaten me with, has attempted to interfere with or disturb my mind with comments he began to make after our holiday.

Jeffrey said he was angry at me because I was taking too much vitamin C (I was taking a high dose for constipation and because I was taking glucosamine (to prevent the pain in my leg that would come from a lot of walking that we liked to do on holidays.). He never asked me what these were for, he just said he was angry at me for taking them, if I was not taking them he would not be so angry. At this stage I would no longer argue with him about his temper.

These three fears I have are present through ALL of his abusive episodes this year. I think he had been studying me to see what my weaknesses were, hence that look he had of looking at me intently when I was upset on holiday and why he questioned me at length about what he said or did that upset me and why. I tried to explain to him that the high of vitamin C dose was for constipation.

He said "if you are constipated then go to hospital and take an enema or get myself flushed out since I was so full of shit." Not to take glucosamine to prevent pain. "Wait until the pain comes and then get proper medical pain treatment" (this was nonsense as he had always disapproved of and interfered with my pain medication in the past). The fear I had of him interfering with my diet, lifestyle or medical treatment he had always known since his abusive episodes when I broke my leg in 2009. But I think he did not know until this year how much I value a good diet and proper exercise which I now knew to be important because I had a health scare that I might have diabetes. My general practitioners nurse recommended Chromium Piconalate which reduced my blood sugar and the risk of diabetes was no longer present. I became really careful of what I consumed this year, hence Jeffrey`s attempt to control any substance I take. While this may all be supposition and hearsay, it all makes perfect sense when considering the domestic abuse paradigm. At this time I had no inkling that I was a domestic abuse victim. But then again domestic abuse victims are always the last to know, if they ever manage to find out or maybe it's too late when they do and they die at the hands of their abuser.

27th May

Up until this date nobody had moved into the apartments around us. I hoped people would and then I thought it was possible Jeffrey would stop shouting so angrily all the time. I was seriously considering flying home and leaving him behind. On this day people moved in beside and below us. Jeffrey stopped arguing and shouting and complaining. He became quite and amicable. I observed that he had stopped his anger when these people moved in. I began to think but not yet sure Jeffrey could control his anger despite all of his excuses.

The Rest of the 'Holiday'

We spent much of the holiday with Jeffrey questioning me ad nausea about how I felt about our relationship. What I liked and did not like about our life, what did I fear most about him and our relationship. Looking back I think Jeffrey was collecting facts about me, my fears in particular. This questioning of his went on most days and for a few hours at a time. I often tried to change the subject or just told him to stop talking about our issues. I told him my major fear was that he would get another dog from a dog refuge home which I did not want. I did not have the time and I did not want to retrain a disturbed dog. When I came home in September Jeffrey bombarded me with emails from his work declaring he was getting a dog, he had been visiting a dog refuge home while I was at my mam's. He was getting one whether I liked it or not he did not care if it would affect my asthma. This happened after I told him on holiday that getting a dog was the worst thing he could do. I had no need to fly home on my own because luckily since these people moved in there were no more problems. I could ask them for help if I needed to. The rest of the holiday he did not abuse me, I think because people had moved in. If people had heard Jeffrey shouting as he does somebody would have complained about the noise, as I said occasionally to Jeffrey to remind him not to lose his temper. The one odd behaviour was that Jeffrey was convinced the apartment was haunted. He thought that somehow, I was bringing ghosts into the apartment. He said regularly "Ghosts are following you into the apartment John". Jeffrey often talked about our home being haunted but never when we were on holiday. I really do not believe in ghosts etc. However, no ghost on this holiday could scare me more than Jeffrey had scared me since we were on this 'holiday'. The best I could do was to pretend to agree with him. Like you do when people are mentally unwell, violent, and hallucinating. You agree with everything they say until they are hospitalised and you do so to protect yourself. My approach was similar with Jeffrey and his beliefs in ghosts. But he never obsessed about ghosts on our holiday. This was a new behaviour and this worried me.

2nd July

I was Assaulted by Jeffrey at Home in Our Sitting Room

6.30

I had an important letter to write but I had promised Jeffrey that I would proof read a letter for him as he has dyslexia. It took me longer than expected to write my letter, I did not think there would be a big issue about not having proof read his letter. When Jeffrey came home he asked me had a proofread his letter, it was clear that I was writing my letter still. I said no I had not done so but I was about to start it in maybe 10 minutes. I did start proofreading the letter straight away when he got annoyed that I didn't do it. He proceeded to complain how I do not help him with anything, how I do not care for him. At this stage I got annoyed. I was after publishing two books and was in the middle of writing my third book. I am an extremely busy person at times. I banged a couple of doors because I was angry. I reminded him that just because I did not proof read his letter in the time frame he gave me that certainly did not mean I did not love him or did not care about him. That he was not my manager and I was not one of his employees. I am his partner. That was untrue and a hurtful thing to say to me. I went into the sitting room banging the door after me. Jeffrey`s outbursts were becoming regular and I was getting frustrated with him. I had asked him several times over the months to stop his anger but he would not. He said it was because I was taking egg protein and supplements were causing me to get angry not him. Something I strenuously denied; I knew this was an excuse for Jeffrey to blame me for his anger which was so regular I knew it was not me. When I saw him get so angry on holiday and now over me not proof reading a document for him I was beyond any doubt that Jeffrey`s anger was his, nothing to do with me. Previously I was thinking it was all my fault he was so angry with me.

8.30

He followed me into the sitting room. He likes to follow me into every room even though I ask him to leave me alone, so I can have some time to relax. But he never gives me that time. His anger is relentless, and I do not get a break from him until he decides to stop. I had become accustomed to wearing large headphones, so I do not hear him shouting. He shouts and roars but at least I cannot hear him. But this time I was just too annoyed to go to my bed and put my headphones on. I told him I had enough. I was sick of his shouting and roaring at me. I told him he had to stop being angry for 2 – 3 hours at a time. It was not normal and I would not accept being treated in this way. He walked right up to me, his face in my face glaring at me angrily. At this point I became frightened. I am not used to experiencing this kind of thuggish behaviour. Then, in the very same way I describe above during the holiday assault, he drew both his arms and hands back toward his shoulders and then his hands shot forward with a full extension of his arms, his hands impacting hard on both sides of my upper chest. With the force applied to his hands through the rapid full extension of his arms this feels like a punch except the hands are open and flat. When he does this to me it does feel like being punched. I am being punched except his hands are open. This is how he gets away with saying he just shoves me. This time he used even greater force than in Portugal. I was nowhere near the couch and when he applied his force I did not just stumble; I was punched hard and I was falling hard. I needed to stop myself falling hard to the ground. Instinctively I knew that if I fell to the floor at that speed and force I more than likely would damage my leg. Rapidly I thought of a way to slow the impact of a speeding fall to the ground. I grabbed onto his arms to slow the fall and really held fast to his arms. He kept pushing me to loosen my grip. He was kicking both my legs as I grabbed onto his arms, my fingers digging in a little as I was determined to hold onto him so I could reach the couch to break my fall. I made it to the couch, and I let myself fall. Hence the marks on his arms in straight lines down toward his hands. He knows and has told me that he knew that I was trying to stop my fall but he would be using those pictures to say I am abusive of him and that I am the problem to anyone he needs to. Anyway I fell to the couch and he toppled over and fell nearly on top of me. I got out from under him my fractured leg was sore and stiff from the kicking and so I leaned on Jeffrey`s shoulder to leverage myself to get off the couch. This is how Jeffrey says I was on top of him. This was not an aggressive behaviour I was trying to get up from the couch as he was nearly on top of me. I literally ran into the kitchen to get my jacket and my mobile. I ran out the door banging it behind me and I did not stop running until my home was in the distance.

It is unfortunate he had those marks. Maybe he put them there himself, that was how sick he had become. But my objective was to slow down my fall so my leg would not break. I am proud I figured out how to do that in a fraction of a second, I do not care what people make of his pictures. Yes, he has showed those pictures and lied about what really happened. I prevented my leg from breaking, that was my objective and I achieved my objective. He has his pictures but I am not in hospital with a broken leg, the first time broken in such a way that would it never heal properly again, broken a second time, then I would always limp. Jeffrey did not maim me. That was what was important to me.

9.00 am

I had fled the house and rang his brother Jer. He did not answer so I rang his partner. She told me he was out jogging; she would ask him to ring me. I text Jer about the assault asking for his help. I was not going to stay in a relationship where I get assaulted and I needed him to do something about Jeffrey. Jer said he would talk to Jeffrey and ring me back. I sat by the river so Jeffrey would calm down. I stayed by the river waiting for Jer to contact me. An hour and a half later Jer rang. It was almost completely dark, but I was afraid to go home without talking to Jer just to see what he would say. Jer said Jeffrey was very upset this evening over our argument. But there would be no problem when I came home. He had arranged to meet Jeffrey the following day for lunch to discuss the issues. I walked home confident that Jer had sorted everything out because he does tend to help out with Jeffrey by bringing him to Accident and Emergency when Jeffrey thinks he needs to go which was 3 times this year and only once did a doctor say there could be one issue but did not warrant an A and E visit even. This was not the case. Jer did not calm down Jeffrey at all.

11.00 am

When I came home Jeffrey was still angry with me. He started off with the usual, offering me a cup of tea and a false invitation to talk about what happened that evening. When Jeffrey says to me "I will make you a cup of tea and we will discuss our disagreement" it means that he will blame me for everything, take no responsibility for his behaviour and then proceed to verbally abuse me. When Jeffrey says this, I know I am in big trouble and I will face a torrent of abuse for a few hours. In later months Jeffrey called this my "Punishment". Essentially a torrent of emotional, psychological and verbal abuse he would rain down on me until I beg him to stop arguing (as can be heard on the recording??). He does not stop then I go to bed and put my headphones on so that I cannot hear him shouting and abusing me. I knew I was in for it when he offered a cup of tea and sit and talk. I said to him I did not want a cup of tea it was 11.00 at night and I had not had my dinner. That he was not going to accept he assaulted me so there was no point in talking. He said he had my dinner ready and placed a badly burnt meal on the table in front of me. I said I did not want a burnt dinner I would fix something for myself. He said I was punishing him for having a disagreement with me by not eating the dinner he prepared. I repeated I would make myself a sandwich I was not eating a burnt dinner. He danced around the kitchen his arms still scratched with some blood on them because of me breaking my fall. He began to dance merrily in front of me. I was taken aback not understanding what he was dancing for. He displayed his two arms with blood still on them and he said to me. "No one is going to believe I assaulted you John, if that is what you think I did with your crazy little mind. I have pictures of this John and I will show everyone I need to. These wounds are very severe. God you are such a vicious violent little man. How you scratched my arms and threw me violently onto the couch John. Oh a judge or a guard would love to hear that John! I will sit and cry and show people those pictures and they will believe me, everyone will. Ha Ha!!"

He is that weird in how he thinks I would not be surprised if he scratched himself for those pictures. "Jeffrey I know and you know you assaulted me. And there is nothing wrong with my mental health. They are scratches Jeffrey, that is all. If I had not held onto you could have broken my leg. There was too much of a fall and you pushed me too hard. I did not assault you."

"But NOBODY KNOWS THAT JOHN!" he shouted gleefully at me "You have no proof and I have these great pictures of the wounds you inflicted on me!!! You are in trouble now Johnny big trouble!! Ha ha ha!"

He continued to mock me in that manner. I was literally sick to my stomach. Yes I knew I was in trouble, I knew he would milk this for everything he could. I was hungry and continued to make myself a sandwich even though I had to force it down me because I literally felt sick in my stomach that Jeffrey was behaving so badly toward me. He kept on telling me how ignorant I was for not eating his burnt meal. I told him several times to stop arguing with me. He kept telling me to stop raising my voice and stop being so aggressive. He persisted and continued to laugh about what wonderful pictures he had to use against me. I continued to eat my sandwich and drank my cup of tea. I was calm because I was so tired. It had been such a long evening and night and I was just too tired to get angry. Then I went to bed and put my head phones on so I would not hear him shouting and roaring.

He went and sat in front of the computer, I wanted to sleep in the office/spare room but he would not let me. He woke me at around 3.00 am. I could hear him masturbating very loudly, I could hear him shout loudly as he climaxed. There is only a small hall. Maybe 15-20-foot-long so I can hear him in the office. I could hear him going to the bathroom afterwards to wash his hands then he usually goes to bed to sleep with me, his underpants would be still visibly damp from wanking himself. He was in the spare room then so he just went back into the spare room/office. He continued typing afterwards. He started this when we came back from 'holiday'. But he is so loud that it is undeniable he is masturbating. I walked in on him one time as he does not even close the door, he makes no effort to conceal he is masturbating in front of his computer. What I do not understand is why he is so loud; it is not the fact he does it many men do. It is the fact that he is really loud. I am very confident about how I look; I know people generally find me very attractive, so I was not offended as our sex life is probably better than most at 11 years of being together. I still do not know if I should have picked up on something to do with that behaviour or if Jeffrey was trying to make a statement of some sort, but it went over my head if he was, this new behaviour was just a curiosity for me. I found another use for my headphones which was when Jeffrey was so loudly masturbating so loudly, I put them on so I could not hear him. I woke again at around 5.00 am and he was still in front of the computer so I do not think he slept that night or certainly he barely slept.

When I went to bed around 12.00 and put my headphones on. I began to cry to myself as quietly as I could to release the tension of the night. Jeffrey must have heard me because he opened the door and stood staring at me from the door then turned around and closed the door. I really did not know this man any-more, he bared no resemblance to the personality of Jeffrey that I once knew neither did he look similar. The Jeffrey I used to know was a kind funny considerate man, people still see him like that even now, except me. He was thin with an athletic build and loads of red hair. That is how he had looked for years, the same as he did since the first day I met him. This year he had transformed into a tyrant and a bully. He even looked different with balding hair and a fat stomach. These days he usually walked around the house with an annoyed frown on his face. The Jeffrey I used to know smiled and laughed a lot. I had that feeling some women talk about of 'waking up to a stranger' for a second time since Portugal. This time however this was a tyrant with a plan. A plan that he knew and I knew might work, how to make out I am violent together with what was supposedly 'proof'.

I noted that night that Jer told me there should be no problems when I came home. This was certainly not the case. I was anything but safe that night. I would have gone to my mam's house if I thought there would be more abuse. In fact I sensed there could be even more trouble on the way but I did not know for sure. There was the possibility that Jer would correct Jeffrey`s behaviour. I decided I would not speak to Jer about Jeffrey again. Which was easy because Jer has not spoken to me since that night. Jer did not see anything that night. He rang Jeffrey and rang me. Nobody saw us fighting or Jeffrey assaulting me. That is why it is so easy for Jeffrey to lie about what happened that night.

21st July

6.30 pm

The following evening Jeffrey came home. He said he had talked to Jer at lunch time. Jeffrey was in a furious mood, really angry, straight away when he came in the door. It was unusual for Jeffrey to get so angry so quickly just home from work. He usually relaxed for a while before starting his abusive rants. He was in as bad a temper and as verbally abusive as he had been the night before. During these abusive moments Jeffrey likes to tell me I am being argumentative and aggressive if I raise my voice. He was shouting and cursing at me saying I was a really violent person, what a bad nasty man I am, that I am a bad-tempered bully. I am not, I am self-aware enough to know what kind of person I am. None of what he called me. He was pacing around the house rapidly as he spoke. I tried to reason with him and calm him down. I asked him what happened with Jer, did their conversation not go well for him? Jer did not get in touch to tell me anything about what was said. Jeffrey got even more angry after I questioned him.

Jeffrey said Jer advised him to take my supplements and my egg protein and put them in his house. Then if there is no trouble between me and Jeffrey it would obviously be because I was taking substances that were agitating me and making me angry. I said to Jeffrey what that means is that he just has to stay reasonable for a couple of months while Jer steals my property and keeps it in his house and then I look like the problem. Then Jeffrey could get angry again, accuse me of taking other substances that don't suit me, either he or Jer steals it, Jeffrey calms down for a while and then it would be my fault again. That could happen over and over. I told him that was an unfair and biased approach to the problem that would not solve my issues with his violent abusive behaviour and I was not accepting that as a solution because it was not a solution for me. Jeffrey said well then he would put the supplements in the boot of his car. He said was going to throw out the egg protein. I insisted that this was all unfair and that taking my supplements by either he or Jer was stealing. That if he threw out the egg protein (I never saw that again) that was destruction of my property. Both stealing and destruction of property was illegal.

Jeffrey began jumping up and down and got very agitated. He walked up to me putting his face right into mine and was shouting into my face. He started jumping up and down, shouting and wagging his finger in front of my face. I was scared at this point. Desperate to get someone to talk sense into Jeffrey I rang his father, I knew it was inappropriate, I was desperate. His father said there was nothing wrong with Jeffrey I was "High on egg protein". I told Jeffrey`s father I was not tolerating Jeffrey`s treatment and I was leaving home. His father said "Well if that is what you want to do". I hung up and I was very friendly for years I understood but I was wrong. I was a beginning to realise I trust too easily with discerning the quality of the person, I was now cornered by Jeffrey`s family who in truth very nasty and manipulative people. But is it unfair to be treated so horrendously just because I loved and did not judge this working class partner and family?? Then Jeffrey shouted at me "Why did you bother ringing my father, the one person that really just does not give a damn about any of this or you?" I knew I had no choice but to leave home. None of his family were helping me and I was faced with a violent abusive bully who would not respond to reason. I had already been assaulted twice by Jeffrey I was not hanging around to get assaulted a third time. He had assaulted me twice already and since his family had no intention of addressing Jeffrey`s behaviour then that meant to me I would get assaulted again more than likely.

7.30 pm

I went to get my mobile and rang my mam. She said if I felt in danger to come home. She was wondering who was shouting in the background. Jeffrey was shouting "You picked egg protein and supplements over me. All of this is your fault you bad tempered man. You make me so angry all of the time." My mam was raising her voice on the phone so that I could hear her. She told me she had had a drink so I should get a taxi to her house.

Jeffrey was shouting "She will not take you for long you violent little shit. All your egg protein and all the rest of it." My mam advised me not to wait for a taxi in the house. She told me to leave the house immediately. I ran around getting a few clothes and underwear. I made certain I had my medication I take and took what amount I could and put them in a bag. As I was doing so Jeffrey was threatening me "I will go to your mothers house and fucking sort that interfering old bitch out." Then he said "You will be back here in a week when she finds out about all the crap you take. Oh yes and you will be abusive and violent to her too like you are with me. She will find out what I have to put up with. Then she will be glad you are not living with her and send you back to me!!

7.50 pm

I was so desperate to leave the house that I had stuffed everything into a bag and they all fell out as I was running down the driveway. I speedily picked up what I could and ran down the hill into the town. I was really terrified I would get assaulted again. I was leaving the house as quickly as I could. Jeffrey was shouting out the door "You bad tempered man. You assaulted me. Ye you run, go on run Ha Ha!!"

I got a taxi to my mam's house. When I arrived I could not speak to her I was so upset. She went up to make the bed for me. I watched TV for around an hour and went to bed, exhausted from Jeffrey`s abuse over two days and I said nothing. I could not believe, nor could I say to anybody for a few days, what a living nightmare my partner had become. The abuse had escalated so quickly I did not have time to plan a strategy to deal with Jeffrey. I was reacting in a strategic practical way that did get me out of his way and kept me safe, I was only reacting. This was all happening so quick I had the feeling of being 'ambushed' and being taken completely by surprise each time Jeffrey abused me. I thought maybe his medication was wrong. There had been an increase of medication or a decrease. But I know for sure now Jeffrey was only using all these reasons as an excuse to use for his abuse.

That he planned to be abusive following changes in medication and after a trip to his doctor. I think he would plan to go to the doctor, claim to have a change in medication as an excuse and then get angry and be abusive toward me, like clockwork. The blame for our relationship ending and all our arguments is he has squarely blamed on me- the egg protein. I have not taken egg protein since he threw it out in July. I never told him I stopped taking it in July.

28th July

A delivery at my mother`s house one week Later as Promised by Jeffrey.

Jeffrey texted me today repeatedly saying he would send my supplements to my mam`s address. I asked him to keep her out of it as he knows she has angina and cannot be stressed. This was our affair nothing to do with her. All she was doing I told him was giving me a place to stay and to rest awhile. He agreed he would not involve her.

I came back from the internet cafe. A delivery note had been left at my mam`s door saying there was a package that could be collected at her neighbour's house. I went to pick up the package and it was a very big box, about 1 foot tall and 1 foot wide. I noticed the package was addressed to my not me. The handwriting was Jeffrey`s handwriting. I brought the box into my mam's house. I was curious but also somewhat worried. I knew Jeffrey had sent something to try to upset her since when I left home he said he would sort her out and I would be home within a week. The week was up and here was a package from Jeffrey addressed to me. I knew something was seriously wrong. I opened the box. There were my health supplements with no egg protein. My angel cards and angel books (that I had not used for years but I did not want to throw them out) my blood test results from two months ago, Solpadine, two items that were nothing to do with me, some other supplements that I didn't know what they were they were not mine. He had put stuff in the box I don't take. There was a letter from Jeffrey complaining about my health. He wrote my blood test liver results were too high. In fact they were perfect twice this year and they had not been in ten years. My blood sugar level was back down to normal; in the past year it was so high my doctor thought I may have diabetes. The liver functions were down to normal when they had been slightly raised for almost 20 years. I can prove all this with a GP interpretation of my blood tests. Jeffrey told her my mental health treatment was inadequate. One of my steroid inhalers were making me angry. What has happening here, very clearly both to me and my mam, was that Jeffrey sent items of mine to me in the hope she would get angry with me and send me back to him. There was only one intent here which was to isolate me from my mam. Of course I was unwell if I was reading angel books like that and getting such poor mental health treatment, he hoped she would think. What she was concerned about was me getting supplements or medication off the internet which she disagreed with. One point to Jeffrey, he hit one nerve with her at least. But I do not get things like that off the internet. I get my supplements from a physical shop that has been around for 13 years. The longest established supplement shop in Ireland:

Jeffrey`s interpretation of my blood test, not to mention he just took those blood tests from the medicine cabinet without asking me and sent them to my mam, was all lies. And that was my private medical treatment results. None of his business and not his property to send to anybody. His interpretation of my blood test results was designed to upset my mam as was the letter. I got extremely upset about this in front of my mam. The first time since I had come home she saw me get so upset. I was in despair. I now knew Jeffrey was deadly serious about isolating me and then continually abusing me with no support from anyone for God knows how long in the future. I knew I couldn't face a future like that.

Evening 28th July

An Event Recorded by Gabriel Woods from John Dunne

My mam said "John I am in this world a lot longer than you and I know when a husband or wife is trying to isolate their partner to abuse them. So I am here for you." Her comments were met with me bawling crying.

"I am not strong enough to fight him mam. I am not deceitful. I am not cruel. I am a good person trying to help myself and others in this world and to try to enjoy life. That is all! I CANNOT FIGHT HIM MAM I JUST CANNOT DO IT!!!" I shouted.

"I will tell you one thing right now John. You cannot afford to let go of yourself like this. You must be strong to deal with this John. If you fall in a heap and can't cope you are finished in this situation. Finished! So I do not mean to be hard on you John but you must stop this!"

I began to cry less, whimpering now rather than bawling.

"Would you consider selling the house? John I have to tell you your relationship is over. All of this is so unhealthy John, particularly in your case. God, Jeffrey is so irresponsible to be treating you like this with your bipolar. Really John this is not going to get better. I know you think you can make this better, but I don't think so."

"Yes, I know I have to be strong ma. I don't think he will agree to sell the house. None of this will be easy. But I will think about some way to deal with all this. I don't know now but I probably will soon. Thanks mam, yes if I cannot keep myself under control he will win automatically."

"John, I have been here for you all your life. I will continue to do so. You are my child, my son. Now maybe have some rest?"

"Ye I just got a real bad shock mam. It's just made me realise how serious all this is. I think I will just go to bed. I just get so tired lately, tired from all Jeffrey`s crap. OK I'm going to bed now. Night mam and seriously thanks for the talk."

"Ok love. Now why don't you have a lie in tomorrow? You do an awful lot of work on your book every day. Do some work if ye like but rest a little tomorrow ok? Your book can wait a little."

"Yes, mam your right I will do. Goodnight mam."

"Goodnight love."

I did one more thing before I went to sleep. I text Jeffrey and I told him not to contact my mam again or send her a package again. She has angina I told him again. This was our fight and to keep my mam out of it. I told him if she ends up having a heart attack, I will hold him personally responsible. He text he would leave her alone. He threatened a few times he would send her another package, he did not do so. He knew he would be in really serious trouble with me if he caused her to have a heart attack. She was concerned, too concerned for someone with Angina.

7th August 2016 Meeting with Jeffrey after 4 Weeks at My Mother`s House

I had been prescribed two skin creams, one for psoriasis on my arms the other for a very bad rash that had broken out on my face and spread across it. The rash on my face was disfiguring it was that severe and I was very conscious about it. My arms had very severe psoriasis. I sometimes have psoriasis but never as bad as this. The rash on my face my lung consultant and my GP said was probably an infection but on my arms there was definitely severe psoriasis. My GP said that psoriasis can be linked to stress but that this is not proven. The creams he prescribed were very, very strong creams. The one for my face was a very strong cream. My GP said it was only a once off prescription as it was not to be used regularly. He said he was sure it would get rid of the rash. The chemist warned me about the strength of both and to make sure I apply the one for the face to the face and the other to the arms and definitely not to mix them up. He agreed with my GP about both skin conditions and the high level of psoriasis required this treatment. Not that I doubted my GP the chemist was just giving me advice. To treat my psoriasis I have been on antibiotics for six months and I will be on antibiotics for another year otherwise I would have to go to hospital and be treated by a skin consultant. I told my GP I see enough doctors and I really didn't want to add another to my list. In my case psoriasis is linked to stress. I only get psoriasis when I am stressed. My psoriasis increased exponentially to a severity I never experienced before the week I went on that 'holiday' in May.

The face cream began to work quickly then it went missing just before I left home along with my skin cream. I checked all the usual places you would check. The sides of the couch took all the medicines out of the cupboard. I almost turned the house upside down and inside out. They were nowhere. I could not find them. When I went to mam's house, I went back to the house to get my clothes and I checked the house thoroughly again. Then the rash returned. My mam asked me why I could not find the cream, was it not so important that I would mind it. She was honest with me and told me the rash really did look dreadful. I told her I was careful with it but I could not find it in the house. I wanted to meet Jeffrey for lunch about 2 weeks after I went home but my mam repeatedly told me not to, I needed more time away from Jeffrey.

Four weeks after I went home, I arranged to meet Jeffrey. I was going to tell him I wanted to sell the house, settle our legal affairs and just split up. My mam told me that after the note he sent giving out about my steroid inhaler which I need and he wants me to stop taking it and now the fact that I could not find my skin creams that she was worried about him possibly interfering with my medication. She said this would be just as serious than even the assaults he made on me. He could make me very sick or let's say he took away my nebulizer (I had told her I could not find my mask when I had a severe asthma attack a few weeks ago. The mask is always in my nebulizer bag, Jeffrey took it from somewhere in a cupboard above his head. I believe now he hid it on purpose. I cannot prove that.) My mam said that when I arrange to meet with him tell him to bring my face and skin cream. If he did not have it with him then she said it was time to get very worried because for her that would be proof, he is messing with my medication. I text him and I said do you have my creams he said he had them. I said where did you put them. He said in the boot of his car (where he said he had put my supplements and egg protein just before I left home.) I asked him what are my medications doing locked in your boot in your gym bag? They are my property and he had no right to be hiding my medication. He told me to stop arguing with him, he was only keeping my medication safe for me (I have all these texts). He would bring the skin cream; he was not sure where the face cream was. I told him to bring both when we meet. When I was going to meet him there was still a possibility, he had it I hoped.

We met as agreed 7th August in the afternoon. This was definitely, not possibly, the most demeaning meeting I had with anyone after post primary school. Nobody mocked me like he would do during that meeting as an adult. I deliberately chose a café on a Sunday in a busy shopping centre so that he would not lose his temper in public and if he did I could make a quick exit and my mam's house was not too far away. That is how angry and aggressive he had become. I had to take precautions to protect myself. I sat in the café. He was about 15 minutes late. I said hi. He smiled. I thought he was just being friendly. I asked him did he have the creams he said he only had the skin cream. I said to him he said he had both. He said he couldn't find the face medication, very casually.

I started talking about our relationship. That we had to start talking about our issues, that I was not accepting being assaulted by him and having being shouted at by him all the time. He started to laugh, like what I was saying was the funniest comedy show he ever saw. I was the comedy show. I was trying to apply some sort of logic to the situation. I asked what the biggest issues were for him. He said I want you to give up all of your supplements. Including your vitamin C tablets, your special bread, and your egg protein, all of it. Glucosamine is bad for your liver too. And you are not to get supplements online any-more. I asked him why he was telling me to do all that when he never discussed any of this with me. I told him he has just decided to say I am not taking these. He had made that decision and I was to follow suit. But I am a mature adult and that he could not just dictate to me. We had never ordered each other to do things and I was not going to start. We had to start talking about things. He didn't know about my gym plan or anything about my healthy lifestyle. He told me I am a fitness supplement junkie; I was addicted to all these things and I had to stop. I told him these things are already present in the body. I am not addicted because they do not cause any kind of a buzz or a high. I said to him there is nothing wrong with bread or vitamin C and neither are addictive. The glucosamine helps my fractured leg and takes the pain away. He was still sniggering at me. He conceded on this point, actually agreeing with me, yes, he read that a lot of that it was good. But he told me I have to give them all up anyway.

I was frustrated and getting annoyed with his attitude. During most of that conversation he was laughing at me. And nothing I said was funny. I said well it looks like you do not like glucosamine, the bread, the vitamin C and the egg protein in-particular. And getting the online supplements even though they are from an actual shop. You get loads of online supplements much more than me and a lot of medication such as antipsychotics and antidepressants, but I will overlook that this time. OK I will stop taking those. It's unreasonable for you to demand I stop everything and that is unfair too. What are you going to do for me? He was smiling and giggling. I asked him what was so funny, he didn't reply. I started talking about our arguments. I asked him what he was going to do about his temper. He said well we could sit down and have a cup of tea and discuss things and when we sort out our issues, he will stop getting angry. It's you John that gets angry nearly all the time not me I said. I said to him I am going to do as I said I am going to do just now. We discuss issues all the time and there is no difference so far. I repeated what he is going to do. And he laughed, just laughed. I was never so demeaned in my life. He might as well have spat on me. I was getting upset at this point. I did not know what to say. I was all out of tricks to deal with this situation. This meeting was only 20 minutes long so far and it was a really long 20 minutes. I stood up and looked down at him and I said I am selling the house. I have had enough. You will not do anything to stop your temper. That is it I am selling the house. Goodbye. He walked after me and asked me did I want a lift back to my mam's I said I was perfectly capable of walking and I needed a walk.

That evening he text me and told me I need my permission to sell the house. I am not giving you permission.

I was in a panic after I met Jeffrey. My plans were gone out the window. I was stuck with a house I could not sell and a bad tempered temperamental ignorant partner living there, who I did not know any more. I became extremely upset that night. I cried for a while. I realised that Jeffrey was showing no signs that he cared about me in any way. He was not being reasonable with me. I decided he may have somehow changed. I did not understand how or why.

I did know I needed to protect myself against Jeffrey. I knew he posed a serious threat to me. I decided above all how had to find some way of protecting myself from him. I created another plan. I was staying in my mam's so I had all the time I would need to get to grips with this situation. I decided simply to talk to anyone who could help me understand what was happening to my relationship and how to protect myself from Jeffrey. I would ask anyone that would help me in any way. I had no time to waste. I had become scared, so I started looking for help the following day.

9th August

I rang Women's Aid I found them on the internet. The volunteer told me very directly that I am in danger. She said I was to get to Family Court that covers my area as soon as possible. She said tell them what was happening and make sure I tell them he is messing with my medication and the two assaults. She repeatedly said to me get a protection order . More than likely I will be given one in my situation.

If I wanted to continue working on my relationship, which she said may not work out and he won't agree to sell the house, I needed to protect myself from him. She continued to warn me about Jeffrey ensuring I was getting the message. She was not giving me advice. She warned me I was in serious danger and I needed to protect myself. When she told me about the protection order I knew that was what I needed, I had a good chance of staying protected with that. I had never had my life at risk because of another human being. Medically such as asthma yes but not under mortal threat by another human – a person who I loved.

11th August

I rang Amen, the Irish male domestic abuse victim's helpline, to try and understand what was happening. I booked a meeting with Gerry the Amen Support Worker for the next available appointment.

17th August

I had an appointment with my lung consultant. He knew me for around a year. I have a very good relationship with him so I told him everything. He became alarmed at Jeffrey stealing my face medication thinking that of course he could interfere with my asthma medication too. He was also concerned about Jeffrey complaining about my Fixitide inhaler and his attempts to interfere in the doctor patient relationship. He wrote a letter about this for me to show to Jeffrey. He wanted to make adjustments to my treatment but decided he would not do so until my personal life settles. He said I could make the appointment myself and he would see me straight away when I am ready to undergo adjustment of treatment. He too was surprised I was functioning so well during this tough time.

18th August

Because my lung consultant had warned me about the danger I was in as concerns my managing my health and the probability of Jeffrey interfering with my medication again I bought a very well made safe and I would lock my medication into it. I still do this now.

24th August

Obtained a protection order and obtained Free legal Aid.

25th August

I Delivered a copy of the protection order to the guards.

26th August

Jeffrey received my order in the post. He sent threatening texts lasting almost an hour.  
I rang the guards. The guard was going to send out guards to my house because I was in fear and upset But when she realized I was still in my mother's house she told me to block his number, not to answer his texts and to go to the station and make a report.

29th August when I Arrived Home.

Found a note from Jeffrey on my first day home. He was planning to change the locks, get a barring order or a safety order. Also, he was going to take my name off the deeds I had to make a report to the guards as I was worried of being locked out. Jeffrey never warned me he would do so. I was told by the Guard it was illegal to do so. She said possibly wanted me to see the note.

Jeffrey`s Behaviour First Day Home.

Had used my skin creams medication without asking when I was not at home. This is the second time he did that. They were squeezed dry.

He was shouting at me that he would leave me forever because I got a barring order.

He didn't realize I had a protection order. How dare I and he started shouting.   
When he saw the safe I had bought he ran around the house shouting to get the safe out of the house or he will leave me forever.

I said I had to have a safe to protect my medication and I told him I was aware he had taken or used my medication twice. I told him I would get the guards to come up and they would explain what the Order was about. As I dialed he calmed down.7.00 in the evening he talked about having to control me because he's anxious and mourning his sister who died 2 years ago. He says he gets me to stop doing things that make him nervous, he doesn't get more stressed. He said I haven't had much time to listen to his problems during the year. I talk to him for almost an hour when he comes back from work and almost constantly on our summer holiday in March except for one day I spent on my own when he had attacked me.

He said he is on the right medication now so there won't be any problems.

He went to the gym than came home. We talked about our relationship.  
That night he said one of his arguments will be that 12 years ago I was on the wrong tablet and was aggressive and didn't work for 6 months. Even pushed my mam out the door. That was very different because that was less than a month. He said I had been on the wrong medication that time and him this year.

I asked him what his excuse for his abusive behaviour toward me was in 2010 when I had broken my leg. He said he didn't remember anything that happened in 2010 except that I was very angry because I broke my leg. He didn't change his medication that year according to him and didn't do anything wrong that year (note from Jeffrey on holiday that year and my doctor's note written to Jeffrey) But Jeffrey was saying at the time that a pain medication was making me aggressive but my doctor wrote a letter to prove I had not been on it for 6 months which was the same period of time Jeffrey was abusive to me.

Jeffrey stopped his abusive behaviour when I showed the doctors letter to him. His behaviour is totally different to my behaviour 12 years ago. His abuse towards me was sustained and continuous during almost a full year in both 2010 when I had broken my leg & 2016 in a manipulative, systematic abusive manner. I never physically attacked Jeffrey ever. I have shouted at him when he is abusive to me and when I'm scared over what he says and his behaviour. Jeffrey spent nearly every night and he moved in with me during that time 12 years. That was a period that lasted less than 1 month later so the fact he moved into an apartment with me I can't have been so bad. I have moved out each time he has become abusive and this second time had to apply for a safety order because of all the different forms of abuse he has done to me. These are very different situations to 12 years ago. Mine much shorter, less than a month his over a very long time almost a whole year in both cases and he can be aggressive also. I never physically attacked him. He has attacked me 3 times. He has admitted to consciously controlling me this year and to hurting me emotionally (sees texts and emails).

30th August

He said tonight after going to the gym I am responsible for how I feel whether he is angry or aggressive with me or not. I get angry too he said to me.

Again I don't attack him and I make no attempt to control him in the systematic way he does to me by using the same accusations against me that he knows upsets me but seems reasonable to everybody else. I shout at him when he is goading me and trying to get a reaction from me or when he is scaring me. He knows what my buttons are from knowing me for 12 years and he doesn't hesitate to push them while looking reasonable to others. He has for a year now used the same excuse that his medication for depression was all wrong and which are supposed to be right now yet he has still shouted and roared at me in the 2 days I have come home.

He said tonight after going to the gym I am responsible for how I feel whether he is angry or aggressive with me or not. I get angry too he said to me. Again, I don't attack him and I make no attempt to control him in the systematic way he does to me by using the same accusations against me that he knows upsets me but seems reasonable to everybody else. I shout at him when he is goading me and trying to get a reaction from me or when he is scaring me. He knows what my buttons are from knowing me for 12 years and he doesn't hesitate to push them while looking reasonable to others. He has for a year now used the same excuse that his medication for depression was all wrong and their right now yet he has still shouted and roared at me in the 2 days I have come home. Knowing the guards will imprison him if he attacks me or puts me in fear has made me feel safer than when I didn't have the order.

He said I hate you. I wish you didn't come home. I don't want you here. You're making me so miserable. Why don't you just leave? I was happier here alone when you were here now. He said he wasn't worried about a protection order the guards wouldn't enforce it. They won't come to help me if I need them. He'd have beaten me and left before they would arrive. I told him the guards were taking the court Order very seriously because it is a court order and I knew from talking to them they would arrive to the house if I needed them.

He said I'm going to fight you in the court against that safety order there is no way you're going to get it. Your egg protein is ruining everything it isn't doing you any good. Our problems are all due to your egg protein food. (I'm not taking any. In 2010 when he was abusive blaming the Define and Dr Fay wrote a note to say I was off it for 6 months. Yet Jeffrey was still angry, it was all my fault because he said I was still taking Define when I wasn't)

This night he banged doors, he stood over shouting angrily at me while I sat in the sitting room couch. He shouted angrily several times and knocked a chair around in the office. He was standing over me shouting at me as I was sitting on the couch. I stood up from the couch and looked him in the eye and just said "stop it now" and then he said "now you are being aggressive. I'll remember you did this and use it when I need to." This is to him is appropriate because he said in the evening he is not depressed any more his meds are working now so he won't be aggressive any more. Past 2 nights not appropriate to me! Shouting at me, threatening me that the guards won't help me if I need them, slamming doors, knocking around furniture, goading me trying to get me to react with anger and noting that I got angry

I don't like not knowing what will happen as this sometimes has been a prelude to an assault or he may continue to shout and roar for up to 6 hours or a whole weekend, one time he shouted and roared at me for a whole 3 days and begins when I'm still waking up in the morning or trying to sleep at night which causes me distress and scares me. Later he said he wants a dog because he says it will calm him down and he can have one, I have warned him he would look after it completely. I don't want one so he looks after it. I reiterated that this night. I agree in an effort to have some chance of peace between us not because I want a dog. Then asks am I taking notes about what he said. I didn't answer. 5 mines later I love you thanks for coming home. He hugged me before I went to bed in the spare room which I really didn't like after all the verbal abuse but I didn't want the night to end on a bad note.

That evening I told him I didn't trust him, I am sleeping in the spare room , and I needed him to show me that I could trust him which he seemed to accept. Yet he still verbally abused me that night. Jeffrey never accepts responsibility for his actions. Everything is usually my fault or someone else's fault. Never, ever his.

31st August

I had a check-up appointment with my psychiatrist. She knows me for around 18 months. I have a good relationship with her too and again I told her everything. I showed her my protection order. I also talked to my community nurse about Jeffrey and what he was doing to me and I showed her the protection order too. They said they could do what they could to help me. They were both surprised how well I was mentally despite the terrible time I was having. Because I did this the clinic were expecting people to make contact with them to try and use the clinic against me in my struggle against Jeffrey. So my nurse has informed me of Jeffrey`s father ringing and Jeffrey`s solicitor and they wrote the letter saying I am well.

Friday 9th September About the Dog He wants to get

I thanked him yet again for not getting the rescue dog he was planning to get. He started shouting angrily that he would get a dog whenever I wish. I don't care what you think. I said I will force the sale of the house if he does that because I told him I know he is trying to control me by threatening to get a dog. I went to the gym to relax that day.

When I came home that evening Jeffrey told me I had missed the shopping delivery. He was extremely angry at me. I asked him would I cook dinner for him. He started to shout at me, he said I should not be making a big deal over cooking a dinner. He rang the supermarket to arrange another date. During the call he stopped shouting and was very friendly on the phone. I realised for the first time he could control his anger and I commented that I saw he could stop shouting and being angry when he was on the phone but since I had been home that evening all he did was shout. I thanked him for not taking home the refuge dog again. He started shouting at me telling me he would all over again about get another dog whenever he wants. I told him the day he brings a dog into the house I will force the sale of the house. For 9 years we had kept to an agreement not to get a dog.

He started shouting I am a free loader he would get a barring Order. He was running around the house and shouting into my face. I phoned the guards and they asked me did I want to press charges to imprison Jeffrey. I said I would give him another chance. Jeffrey started to pack a bag while I was on the phone. When I had gotten off the phone, he told me he was leaving me. He would have his brothers come over soon and they would sort me out. If the guards were coming to the house, he would have been gone when they arrived, and I believe he left the house with such speed so as to escape the guards. I told him not to ring me as he left and if he wanted to leave me that was his choice. I really wanted to be alone that night as I was very stressed after his outburst which was particularly frightening because he was angry for a couple of hours at least. Having stayed at my mother's for five weeks I had become unaccustomed to this high level of verbal abuse and angry shouting. He still rang me that night even though I asked him not to on a private number. I hung up because I wanted to relax on my own at home and not have another argument with Jeffrey

10th September

I noticed the throw I have on the couch has gone missing when I returned from Dublin. He said to me as he has done all week that he knows I applied for a barring order but was not given it because I did not own the house.

I was out in the garden doing a September clear out, a lot of the roses died early because when I was living at my mother's house Jeffrey did not know how a lot of plants died early and to look after them so they could grow even better the following year. He just left the roses die. Just like my love for him was decreasing by the day. I didn't know this man and I was beginning to hate him. The man that marched with me so many times to preserve Ireland's resources and talked so much about human rights. Why was he not respecting human rights, my human rights? I thought all that began at home.

I was out in the garden working away. Jeffrey had said he was leaving me when he left the house just as I had called the guards to come to the house (9th September) when he came into the garden I asked him what was he doing home I thought he had left me as he said last night. He started shouting at me that I was using the protection order as barring order as he had asked could he come home, I did not say I do not know what that meant. Later he said he knew I was bringing him to court to get a barring order many times I have told him it's a safety order I am applying for. And he said this every day since I came home.

Why doesn't he listen to me? Later on, he decided to type up what he thought I had to pay extra a month and handed the bill to me (220 extra a month). I told him I was not accepting a figure he had randomly chosen and on the following day Sunday 11th October that I wanted him to bring I through the bills and I would see what would be fair for me to pay. He put the paper back on the cupboard door in the kitchen and made no response. Later Jeffrey said "I am going to ring your lung consultant and get your asthma medication reviewed. They are not doing you any good but sure he is only a quack anyway and doesn't know how to do his job."

Yesterday in an email he told me he was getting a dog and did not care about my health or whether I wanted a dog or not. Suddenly he is very interested in my asthma medication which is locked in a safe. It was almost 1 am and Jeffrey was still arguing with me. "Your mother advised you to go to a solicitor instead she should have put you in front of a psychiatrist because of your egg protein. I will make sure the judge listens to me about all of this and if he doesn't I'll get him impeached for being biased in your favour. I will get 'in fear of' struck off your safety order. You have lied to the court that is how you got the protection order. The guards told me last night that you are using the protection order as a barring order which is a common occurrence and I will tell that to the judge." I was not banning him from the house. He was shouting angrily outside the office door saying things that he thought would get me upset so I shouted at him to stop arguing it was almost 1 in the morning. He did not stop and continued to shout angrily at me. It was almost 2.00 at night and he is still at it. I really am feeling so worn down, he will not stop. I do not know if I will have a breakdown soon. I told Jeffrey if he did not stop arguing I would call the guards. I told him I did not press charges last night but if I had to ring the guards again I would press charges and get him imprisoned. He stopped shouting angrily sat in the sitting room and watched a comedy show quietly laughing while I cried myself asleep.

11th September

He Starts Shouting with Me and Arguing with Me at 11.00 in the Morning.

Jeffrey came into my room angry that all I wanted was to break up with him and take the house. I told him I wanted to keep our relationship going. He persisted that I wanted to break up. I put my music headphones on my ears and turned away from him. He knew I wasn't listening and left the room. He looked furiously angry, like someone possessed.

Jeffrey met his brother on Sunday that day in the local shop. About an hour after meeting him Jeffrey text me and asked me not to bring him to court on January 20th. I didn't say yes or no. For 2 weeks Jeffrey had been saying he would apply for a barring order or a safety order and he would bring me to court before January. Suddenly there was no mention of him doing any of this. He is suddenly kinder to me than he has been for most of the past 12 months. I have a theory he might be trying to build a defence that he is in fact very kind and nice towards me. This change in behaviour is accompanied by nice texts to me whom he has not sent to me in months. This is the first 4 days he has been kind to me since I got the protection order so I am not complaining. I would like to think this is a genuine change in his behaviour toward me not just a performance he can record for the court (hence all of a sudden, the regular kind texts which I have not received in months). I will be meeting and Amen Support Worker in Dolphins House next Tuesday and discuss my situation. I have also arranged a free legal aid meeting next Thursday to find out about my legal rights as concerns my house as Jeffrey has frequently informed me of what he intends to do with our house. Either buy me out, sell the house and he will take out a loan and take out his own mortgage, take my name off the deeds and kick me out and other scenarios where he gets the house and he kicks me out. So I tell him I'm not discussing the issue any further with him. I would get legal advice and find out what my options are. I would not rely on what he tells me are the options.

15th September

Jeffrey found a capsule on the floor. He said I found this, it's yours. What tablet is that? I said it was my antibiotic. He said that's strange because an antibiotic normally has a code on it. I said I don't really know. That night when I had taken my medication out of the safe, he came into the sitting room and hugged me while looking at my tablets over my shoulder. Earlier that day Jeffrey was talking to me about my skin infection which was being treated with antibiotics. He said maybe I should ask my doctor is there anything I could be taking that is making it worse. I told Jeffrey I will be trusting my doctor's medical advice on the issue and follow his treatment.

I felt glad that I had a safe to lock up my medication or judging by this evening and night conversations Jeffrey would still be controlling me by what I eat drink and medication I take. Then I realised that my decision to put my medication in a safe meant less arguments and less of Jeffrey`s controlling behaviour. Although he was very respectful and had stopped shouting angrily for 3 days, I realised his behaviour may not have changed but the precautions I was taking were reducing the effects of his anger on me and his controlling behaviour as concerns what I eat drink and what medication I take.

I believed Jeffrey brother, who came to our house often, was taking part in my abuse by advising Jeffrey what to do about my behaviour. I trusted his brother and was that trust to be taken advantage of too? I was beginning to feel paranoid as to who wished to help me and who was fooling me. Certainly, his family was clearly not to be trusted. I did not care how often Jeffrey smiled at me, pretending to help me. I may be naïve, I am not stupid.

Jeffrey was shouting angrily last night for over an hour. Coming up right into my face and shouting and wagging his finger in my face. He wanted my nebuliser. I said he could have it for the night and get his own the next day. He said I could call the guards and left the house. Before he did so he said the guards won't be able to get him. Came back 10 minutes banged things around the house and went to bed. I was afraid he would steal my nebuliser as he has done with other medication so I couldn't give it. If he hid it and didn't give it back I could die from a severe asthma attack. In June he put away my mask and I couldn't find it when I needed it. It was not where I usually have it he had put it on the very top of the cupboards where I couldn't reach it and he didn't tell me he put it there. I woke Jeffrey and he knew where it was. I told him he should not have put it where I didn't know where it was. He said nothing. Now I'm beginning to get worried. Something has gone badly wrong. Or maybe I'm just waking up to the fact he is a fake and his life one big lie to himself and everyone else. No wonder he gets anxious so often, trying so hard to hide what he really is. Yes I say "what", I don't see any humanity in this ass hole to write who which would indicate he is a human. He is inhumane to me, I do not know what he is but he is not a human to me he is a cruel robot like being.

11th October

A FLAC solicitor told me that the comments he was making the solicitor classified as threats.  
As has been the case since he started this behaviour in April 2016 he wants to talk and comprise but this is invariably ends up with me being the problem and what he wants me to do about it. So now I just tell him there is nothing to discuss his angry behaviour is unacceptable and he needs to find a way of controlling his anger. Still this is having no effect. I hope that he will come to court so that he will learn in the court what he is doing is wrong by the court granting me a safety order.

Tonight, he said I caused all these arguments by not giving him my nebular. It was clear he didn't need it as he was shouting angrily around the house when he didn't get the nebulizer. He said he was punishing me by arguing all day with me. I warned him if he behaves abusively like last night and today again, I will press charges and the guards can deal with him. He slammed the door in my face.

17th October

10.00 In the Morning and I've just Woken up. He's off Work Yet again and he Calls Me a Lazy Bastard!

I was just out of bed when he started shouting angrily at me again for about an hour. I put my headphones on so as not to have to listen to him. It's not what he says that scares me it's the way he shouts angrily for hours at a time several times a day or/and night, shouting in my face and wagging his finger in my face.

He practices verbal abuse regularly i.e. untrue judgements, threats like he will stop paying the mortgage, hints that I will be investigated by revenue even though I earn no money from writing my books, twisting comprises I make into imagined threats like when I compromised that he could have the nebular that night and get his own the next day he started angrily shouting at me that I don't care for him. Proving to me he didn't need the nebulizer because he was shouting at me for around half an hour after he had no problem breathing if he could shout at me for about half an hour. To give him the nebular would to put my life in danger if he hid it and I couldn't find it as he did once before. He has said he will not come to court. I have been to the library came and asked him to stop arguing. He didn't I put my headphones on and read all afternoon. This evening I had to go for a walk. His shoulder bag is packed so he can leave quickly. His comments are not illegal. It's the way he gets so incredibly angry, I have never seen such anger in a person. At least once he has broken the Order. They are usually threats that upset me like I am ruining his life or he hates me or I don't love him I only want the house. He threatens to stop paying the mortgage or stop paying his part of the bills (while shouting at me he pays the bills. I'm just a layabout who does nothing but live off him he says). For example, this hurt because I know he meant it, he left a note in the kitchen "don't get sick here no one cares." They are not illegal comments, they hurt me especially because this is always accompanied with his shouting angrily for sometimes hours or even days for a whole day. Although because of the protection order he now knows not to prolong this verbal abuse because I could call the guards and he is imprisoned.

I took off my headphones later in the day and asked him did he want to talk instead of being angry. He started to shout at me if I bring him to court in January, he will leave me and sell the house. I tell him I have been warned by several people these would be called threats. He asked me" where did you find all this out? A battered wife's home?" Then more shouting. I closed down the communication and I put my headphones on again for the rest of the day. I asked him if he wanted me to cook dinner. He told me to stop eating the food he bought. I told him to make his own dinner. I then went to the shops and bought food for myself and made my dinner.

We had a discussion about his angry behaviour, he seemed to be considering the effects of his behaviour. In the end, as is always the case, he began to accuse me that his behaviour is my fault and that I can be nasty too. I closed down the conversation and walked out of the room.

18th October

I called the guards for advice. They have been so kind and I think they know what he is like or even what he is and probably I'll learn soon. The woman guard advised me to call them immediately when he has his next outburst and they will come to the house. Note a text he sent that that shows admission of his own guilt. "I love you I will try to be a better person" today. I think he worries about the order and sometimes gets so wound up he doesn't care. The guard went through what behaviour the order covers and doesn't cover. She was very kind but very professional. She advised me I must use the order otherwise there was no point in getting it. Next time there was trouble to call them, not to threaten because it will be used against me that I was threatening him with the order. She could understand why I didn't want to call them but this is the law. Dial their number, she said, without him knowing and they will come to the house. She said if they come to the house each time he is abusive the order will be more affective.

I knew the guards were doing their best and I felt so guilty to be contacting them at all, I had to if I wanted to survive. The guard was so nice and kind I knew she meant every word and was concerned even though she didn't know me. I suddenly wondered at the difficult job that the guards have yet they are so kind, I cried for a few moments that a total stranger cared so much about me when I had cared so little about myself throughout my life and how others cared even less about me. And I cried because I still believed in the goodness of most people like the guard, I had just spoken to

25th October

I have nearly always requested him to stop talking or to stay quiet or stop it. I do so with a firm voice, I say the phrase repeatedly, this does sometimes work. He many times twists this into me being abusive and telling him to shut up and that is not true usually. Also towers over me as I am sitting on the couch watching TV and I feel intimidated when he is shouting at me. If he is angry with me and standing over me I now stand up from my chair as I feel less threatening. Then he always tells me I am being aggressive just because I am standing up as he is shouting at me.

I don't believe Jeffrey is genuine about his attempts to change. He has said this several times over the months and always returns to abusive behaviour. I told him today that I will most definitely press charges if he is verbally abusive to me like last night again, not remembering the guards advice.

Jeffrey was going for a HEO promotion in the civil service so I did not want him not to get the post, I still loved this monster, so I did not want to involve the law until he had done his interview. That this was not a threat. I had rung Amen that day and they told me as had the other guard that there was no point having a protection order if I was not going to use it. It seemed to the Support Worker that he had realised that I would not press charges and so was continuing to be abusive. She had advised me as the guards had some weeks ago to call the guards press charges and let him end up in jail for a night then he might change his behaviour. If I don't my behaviour would be brought up by his solicitor in court that I was making threats and not using the order a judge gave me and a judge might be annoyed that an order was apparently wasted. I told the Amen Support Worker that he is a civil servant and I didn't want him to lose his job. She told me he probably knew this to be the case and was playing on it and how long he ends up in prison depends on the severity of his abuse by a judge.

I am trying to persist in being reasonable with him and I endeavour to be respectful to him despite his reprehensible behaviour. But I admit on days like this that I do end up raising my voice or even shouting a little but nowhere near the anger outbursts he displays toward me or for the long periods of time he verbally abuses me. Because when he is shouting into my face and shouting a litany of comments that are designed to hurt me, I become upset and scared.

He uses this process of alternating between behaving positively saying compliments to me and saying he loves me and then saying a litany of constant verbal abuse which can last an hour or two although more limited now because I threaten the guards. I threaten the guards because I don't want him to be in jail and lose his job. He can alternate between these within the one abusive session in an evening or a day. I think that he uses one or the other to provoke a particular reaction that he desires at a particular time. To bully me into submission or to cajole me into thinking he is sorry for his behaviour and not to take action about his behaviour and press charges or go to court.

At other times he tries to goad me or to try to get me angry and shout at him as he is doing to me. Right now, I am unsure whether he likes me or does not like me or whether he is sorry for his behaviour or not. But I know two things. The confusion I am experiencing is part of the abuse process and I need to remember this. I also know there will be more angry outbursts in the future if I do not press charges next time.

I rang the guards today because Jeffrey was regularly saying he would leave the house and go to his brothers for the night. The guard said I was to ring them without threatening just call them. If he leaves, they will take a statement that I should take a note of it and it will support my case for a safety order. Again, I was told to use the order. The next time I will do so but I am afraid to. Amazingly I still love him and I don't want him in jail. Today I decided to clear out all my things from the office table which Jeffrey says he owns. He had locked me out of the computer and changed the password which he has done once before his computer so he is entitled to use it just himself. So I made arrangements to use a computer elsewhere and put my things I need to write and plan and the things I own on his desk and put them on the table that I own which is in the kitchen. I cleared out all my books off the office shelves.

I went to meet my mother today and then I went to the gym. As I was on my way Jeffrey text me to say he was coming home and would I like sandwiches. I told him I didn't know he had the afternoon off as he was at home on Monday. I wrote more hours than him and like a slave cooked, cleaned and did everything else in the house which I had always done. I went home to find that he had moved my books my notebook my swivel chair back up to the office desk. I asked him why he did that he said it was an unreasonable thing to do to move my stuff out of the office. I told him I moved out of the office because he was entitled to use his own computer. I brought my stuff back to the kitchen table. He told me to move it and I did. Then he told me to get all my stuff off the table. I said I needed a place to work from and it was my table and I could put my things on it. I did raise my voice when I said this. I had been through two days of almost non-stop verbal abuse as he had not been to work. I walked out of the kitchen into the sitting room. He followed me in. He said move the stuff off the table (my stuff was tidily put at the bottom part of the table). I said I think Jeffrey thought I would return to his computer again. Then he could repeatedly tell me over time to stop using his computer and change the password as he wishes just to be mean. I moved out of the office and would be using a different computer. He started crying. He planned to control me by controlling my use of the computer but that didn't happen. I think his crying was to make me feel bad and was not genuine. I think he was really annoyed that he didn't get to repeatedly stop me from using the computer. As time goes on I reason away his threats and they are only empty threats now, causing me no more fear than a shadow would. Each time he threatens me I take the threat away by finding a way to keep on doing what he is demanding I don't do in a reasonable way that he no longer can stop me e.g. the computer or locking my medication away. I am using the technique of peaceful resistance and it is working. His ways of attempting to control me are decreasing all the time.

Though this was no way for me to live and sometimes I cried because I could see no end to this. Was it going to boil down to my death or him being jailed?

He changed the password to the computer again and he said he was entitled to I said fine then I don't need computer as I had made other arrangements and I would work at the kitchen table. He told me to apologise for arguing with him. I made no comment. He said "I hate that table. I'll move it out of the kitchen and out of the house the first chance I get" I told him I live here and while I do it is illegal for him to throw out my furniture.

He said "I know how to deal with someone like you" and I said "No, you have no idea how to deal with someone like me." He banged things in the kitchen. I went back in. He said "I can't do this any-more"." I said fine "we'll sell the house then." He cried in his bedroom. I went in and asked him was he OK. He didn't answer. I asked him was he going to start being nice to me and this can all stop. He didn't respond. He went out for an hour came back I asked him where he went he said he went for a drive. He didn't speak to me for the rest of the night.

1st November

Jeffrey has an interview for a civil service promotion. No arguments, threats or hurtful comments at all over this time when he found out his interview were coming up. I have asked him in a text is he not arguing with me because he is ensuring to keep his criminal record clean, he did not directly respond but he soon said I assaulted him in July so he has nothing to worry about.

Now I know there is something definitely not at all right. He is doing all this on purpose. From all the way through from 1st November there were no problems at all I have been helping him with his interview practice and most of the questions I prepared for him came up but he didn't get his promotion. Why should he have done? He has got a dreadful sick leave record. He has given so many managers a hard time. I used to think it was their fault as Jeffrey never accepted any responsibility. If his interviewers saw the anger and anxiety in him it is no surprise at all he didn't get it. God help me though I'm probably in for it now he will be so angry. Then he became abusive again when he returned.

22nd November

I received an email from insurance health care asking did I want to be on Jeffrey`s insurance account as he had notified them, he wanted to do that. Jeffrey had not informed me he was doing this. He also received the email from the health insurers that as he was able to text me what I said to them to take my name off any health insurance an email clearly stating I was adamant not to have Jeffrey paying my health insurance. Despite Jeffrey`s knowledge of this communication he decided to try to put me on his health insurance without telling me. Jeffrey has been saying regularly that I sponge off him. This is not true, but I took myself off the health insurance which I have always told him I did not want him to pay just to ensure I am paying my way. The health insurance barely covers anything, I have always ended up paying my own hospital bills. I texted him and he got annoyed and texted me continuously for an hour.

23rd November

Jeffrey had a disagreement with me over Kris Kindle about his family. I told Jeffrey in August I would not be dealing with his family. That if they thought his behaviour toward me is acceptable then I did not want anything to do with them. Nor did I want to give his family a chance to say I behaved badly toward Jeffrey and could possibly be a witness for him. Jeffrey denied any abuse toward me that essentially our relationship is my entire fault. He failed to explain his assault on me while we were on holiday. He never mentions this. He said if I get a safety order he will break it off with me that I am so sly in my actions toward him. I told I made it clear in August I was going to court in January and I have been upfront with him with my response to his abusive behaviour. Then I went to bed. He followed up his comments with several texts which I have not responded to.

24th November the Night before my Birthday Guards come to the House

The night before my birthday I had to call the guards. Jeffrey was quizzing me about what I would say in court against him to get my safety order. Then he started asking me about what medication I had in my safe. He asked the questions over and over. I asked him to stop and he had that fierce angry look on his face. I could see that flash of fire in his eyes. I asked him to stop; I wasn't going to tell him anything. He persisted beginning to get angry. I was getting really frightened. Jeffrey was asking me pertinent questions to my case. Insisting I give him the answers. You know like what happens on telly when someone is being interviewed and the nasty people aren't getting the answers from their victim and they press their victim and terrorise them to give the answers. That kind of hassling and abuse really. I got really frightened not because of what he was saying. That fierce angry look on him that I had become accustomed to seeing him but still scared me was coming on and I ran to pick up my mobile and I called the guards. Immediately without being asked I said I wanted to press charges. Jeffrey ran out the door telling me I was a loser, living off him, never paying my way. I cried again. I got really, extremely, upset. I was so tired from Jeffrey`s anger, so tired of being frightened sometimes when he isn't even in the room or anywhere near me as he is so fond of sending really nasty texts and emails. I was crying so hard when the guards came to the door. I was sobbing uncontrollably again. And when I saw the concerned look in their faces somehow, I just got worse. Four guards arrived. They asked me what happened, I could barely speak as tears spilled down my face. The guards were struggling to get my answers to their questions. The four of them were very caring, I was almost hysterical. They needed answers to decide if Jeffrey had breached the protection order. I had become full on hysterical and they expertly calmed me down. They were scribbling down whatever details they could get as they glanced at me worriedly.

The guards insisted my relationship was over. They said break up and sell the house that was what needed to be done. I continued to cry because I said I wanted to break up but Jeffrey would not let me. He was trying to trap me in the relationship. The guards said did I have anywhere to go for the night with someone to look after me for the night. I said I didn't want to endanger friends or my mother, Jeffrey was violent. Four guards were in my house, I never had dealings with the guards before. And they were so kind to me. After how Jeffrey had been treating me their kindness and concern was like the first days of spring after the long cold nights of winter. They gave me a little warmth in my heart when I saw how much they cared. I kept crying but this time more from happiness. I had become so accustomed to abuse, not this show of kindness and consideration which I would never have expected from the guards. People never mentioned that side of the guards.I wasn't expecting the guards to be so nice. I told them I couldn't go anywhere because Jeffrey would cause trouble with anyone I could stay with. The guards told me that Jeffrey had certainly breached my order and they had no doubt about that. They asked me where he was, could I tell them where he may be. I said I didn't know. They told me if he comes back to the house ring them immediately and they would come get him. But Jeffrey never came back. I thanked them and they left. I sat in the sitting room and cried for a third time that night for I don't know how long, this time with the relief that the guards understood, they understood my terror. And they cared.

I text Jeffrey and told him the guards had come to the house and informed me had breached the order. He said later in the night that he was taking the day off tomorrow and we could celebrate my birthday. I said to him I had just called the guards, the night before my birthday. I said to him they wanted to put you in prison. I will do my own thing for my birthday then I switched off my phone. Jeffrey spent over two hours texting me. One text might be how much he loves me then telling me how I make him angry. He said he would have a special present for me for my birthday tomorrow.

Garda Michael White takes my Statement 11.45 pm the Night of My Birthday in the Local Garda Station

This is an event I wish to write about myself in detail just as it happened. It is an example of how kind some people have been to me. How others have been so cruel. I had spent the afternoon at Bray walking by the sea. It had taken me almost an hour to find the beach but I was determined to find the sea and I did. In a way I did not mind, it was peaceful, I could relax there. No one shouting and roaring at me, Jeffrey pushing all my buttons waiting for a response as if playing a tune from a guitar. The most peaceful few hours I had in months. The sun was shining, it was a warm day even though it was the middle of Winter. If I had stayed at home Jeffrey would have sauntered into the house later in the day. I could imagine him standing in the hall waving his protection order triumphantly as if after getting high Leaving Certificate grades. In my mind's eye I could see him mockingly wishing me Happy Birthday at the same time.

After I walked up from the beach to the town, I made a call to local Garda Station. I told the guard my partner had got a protection order and he did not need one. I had an order and needed it. I would probably be at the station late in the night around 11.00. I went to Eddie Rockets and on the way my nephew who is only a child was texting, he said something funny and made me laugh despite the oppressive cloak of sadness and fear I was experiencing. Little did that lovely child know that he was the only person that made me laugh that day. In Eddie Rockets the younger kids that were running the café that night made me feel so very welcome.

I sat there reading a book simultaneously feeling sorry for myself for the worst birthday I ever had courtesy of my boyfriend and at the same time happy that a little of the old me had already returned. The independent me before the chains were put on me, that I quickly realized I offered him my wrists to tie. The me that was happy at times to explore places on my own, the company of others back in that time was nice but not necessary. The younger people topped up my teapot three times and only charged me for one pot. They smiled at me; I didn't know why they were being so kind. Since all this started people have been spontaneously nice to me and it has always cheered me up. Then I got on two buses to get to the Garda Station, all the while writing what I needed to say and trying to remember the important points to mention my statement.

I want to write so I can always remember the kindness and sensitivity of this guard while at the same time remembering that he is a highly professional guard who carried out his duty diligently. A man of the highest calibre I had, in a time of terrible desperation, the good fortune to meet.

I rushed into the Garda Station and up to the counter. I spoked in a rushed manner bordering on panic "Sorry Garda for coming in so late. I have a protection order and my partner got one today. I was in Bray when I was talking to my solicitor who told me I was to get as fast as I could to the Garda station to make a report. I know it is late but I'm here now. My name is John Dunne" I didn't stick to my plan of staying calm; my emotions now had taken me over.

The guard was tall and thin. He looked at me with a slightly stern look. He reminded me of a raven. I could see sharpness in the man. Then he smiled a little and said "Don't worry about the time I'm here all night. Now, instead of a report in this situation it is a statement you need to make. Would you be able to do that?"

"Yes garda. Right it started... well....not just today...garda I didn't do anything wrong!! Oh God I didn't touch him!...I swear to God I didn't....please believe me!!!...."

The garda held his hand out flat and slowly bright his arm down gesturing me to calm down and as he did so I did manage to come down quickly from my panic.

"Okay, Okay. John" He said slowly and quietly. "We will go somewhere more private and then you can tell me".

The garda walked from behind the glass counter and opened a grey side door "I'll take you to an interview room John. My name is Garda White." He held out his hand for me to shake it. I normally have a firm handshake but this time my hand was damp from sweat and shaking. I gingerly shook his. I walked by four cell doors, I had never seen a jail before.

I followed him into the interview room. The walls were a stark white colour. I do not know if the walls were really that white. There was a cold impersonal look to the interview room. I did not see any pictures on the wall or objects on the table.

I sat down on one side of the large plastic desk and expected he would sit on the opposite side, maintaining a distance like many professionals do. As if by being across the table from you they do not feel your pain. But Garda White surprised me. He pulled up a chair almost right beside me, like a friend would. I was struggling to come across as calm. I was determined to use my skills as a writer to get my message across to the guard. This was the most important message I had ever given to another human being in my life. My first ever desperate plea for help and protection to anyone. A message born from trauma and brimming over with desperation, boiling with terror.

"Garda White my partner has got a protection order . I was hoping to get here before he did. I want to just say he is very charismatic. He comes across really well to people. He has fooled a court and he will try to fool you guys........."

"His name was Jeffrey was it? Is that who you're talking about? Yes, he came in shortly after you called."

My mouth dropped open and I tried not panicking. My lips were quivering. My face reddened. My hands began to shake. A torrent of frightening thoughts flowed through my mind. I was rapidly trying to think of what to say to profess my innocence. I struggled not to panic although I was way past panic, I was on the edge of a nervous breakdown. I gulped and breathed deeply. It dawned on me this guard might not believe me. My God this guard may not believe anything I have to say because he had spoken to Jeffrey already! That was probably why my solicitor told me to get to the station as soon as possible, to get there before Jeffrey. I thought to myself I delayed coming to the station just to go to the sea for the day. I thought now I had ruined any effort to be heard by the guards and could maybe be murdered in the next few days, or worse taken hostage by a domestic abuser and tortured for the rest of my life with no one to turn to for help!

I blurted out to the guard "Garda White I have not done anything wrong, never once did I hurt him. I promise you I didn't. Please Garda White you must believe me. I swear. Garda please listen to me!!!! Please!!" The desperation coming into my voice again. I was approaching hysteria.

Garda White dropped the tone of his voice, he spoke a bit deeper but softer. I began to calm a little. He smiled briefly "Yes he was here and gave me a copy of his protection order . And yes as you say that is how he came across. Very friendly. Except, you rang before he came in and just something, something just seemed odd to me. Especially when you talked to me on the phone before he came into the station and since I am talking to you now."

"Garda White he is very convincing please do not believe him."

"I thought what he said was a bit odd. I asked him why he needed the protection order . What happened that he needed it. He did not go into any detail. He just said John abused him."

"Garda White, I did not, he shouldn't have that order. My solicitor said it was a reaction to me calling the guards last night. But how, how did you pick that up? Everyone he speaks to believes everything he says!"

"Talking to you has made me think. I think I have been given this case to investigate because I can see patterns in what people say. I pick up, you know, what matches and makes sense. Patterns of behaviour. Consistencies of what people say and do. And what is not consistent. What is a lie. His response was not typical."

Then he looked directly into my eyes and said in a low comforting tone "You know John I do know what you're feeling."

"I don't know what you mean Garda White." How could anybody understand this hell I am in?"

"I know how bad it feels when a man is beaten by another man" He stopped and briefly looked through the window, as if that physical window was providing a window into his past.

"I have to say Garda White, same here, but rarely have I ever been attacked, now I have been assaulted by Jeffrey twice within a few months. I am not used to that. It scares me."

The Garda nodded slowly at me in acknowledgement. I glanced at the guard. People have a habit of telling me their deepest secrets often when I first meet them. So many people have done so. Then they tell me too much. I would make a good counsellor, I do not like the idea of profiting from people's pain, that is how I see it. People know they can trust me and, like the priest in the confessional, they know I will never tell anybody else. I never tell anyone. Then, as I have had to learn over the years, the person tells me too much. Then they stop talking to me. I think they get too embarrassed they told me so much. I gain a person's confidence and lose their friendship. I never met anyone else that this happens to. I have learned not to let the person tell me too much. To let them tell me just enough so that maybe they release their burden of memory and give it to me to carry but are happy to keep speaking to me. Irish people can be very private. I am strong enough to be able to do that. I had to make sure this guard did not end up not wanting to speak to me again. Somehow I knew this man could help me. I need not have worried because the guard said nothing more about it. He just wanted me to know I should not be embarrassed to be beaten by another man. For one man to say that to me meant so much because yes, I had felt shameful and weak. Then again that is all part of the abuser's game.

"I didn't know he was like this Garda White. I had no idea. For a whole 11 years. But I need protection until I can figure out how to leave. I cannot go anywhere to hide. And I do have places I can go but I don't want to put anyone in danger."

The guard said "Because he will find some other way of controlling you? Like making the sale of the house difficult or finding a way to stay in touch with you in order to continue to upset you even though you are not together, stuff like that?"

"Yes Garda White, I am kind of trapped right now. Garda White hens telling everyone I'm mentally unwell. Because of supplements I take for health. I'm mentally unwell he says. He said I brutally attacked him in a strangle hold."

"John I can tell you now you are not mentally unwell. In fact I am quite surprised how well you are holding up under this terrible pressure during such an emotional time."

"I do have bipolar Garda White but my psychiatrist said I am stable too. She said she is truly amazed at how I can keep coming back and defending myself from each of Jeffrey`s abusive events. She called me a domestic abuse survivor."

"Yes that's true John you are." The Garda nodded his head slowly, became silent and went deep into thought.

Suddenly Garda White spoke "I did a training course about this. Do you know John abusers have all sorts of techniques? First, they go looking for their victim. We went out for a few drinks after the training and in the pub we could actually see it happening after we learned about it."

He laughed briefly, then almost snarled, his hands clenched "We could see guys, and women too, seemingly talking casually to their victim. The preparation by the abuser for the victim's abuse starts from the very first conversation. They start asking personal things, straight away when they meet a person. They are looking for something to go on. So the person tells them something personal. Something traumatic. The abuser wants, you know, something to use, to go on."

"Garda White you know I really don't like the sound of any of this. It's a hard job you have. I wouldn't like it myself." The guard smiled at me "I like this job and I find this stuff fascinating. To figure out these kinds of people. See what patterns they make in what they say and do, how they think." As he spoke he reminded me of the men on horseback in cowboy films, the sheriff tracing footsteps in the sand of those they wish to apprehend. I did not say anything. I much prefer the streams of thought I have that form fiction stories and hopefully books someday. The creative and illogical world. Not this world of crime and the amazing people that try to wipe up all the mess. To deal with the damage that egotistical idiots do to others on a daily basis.

I did not really want to hear more but the guard continued. "So then, with this information, the abuser begins to think of how he can use this information on the victim. They do it deliberately. They sit down and think how they will use the information on the victim to make them more dependent on them. How they can play on it with their victim. They plan what they do. Each step. They plan their first abusive event. Then they plan into the future based on the results of the first few abusive events. They know what they are doing." My eyes widened. I knew I was right about the guard. He was older in mind than body, and he had been through very tough times. He proceeded to tell me more. At this stage I began to like this. I have a psychology education. I became a bit more inquisitive. The subject matter no longer shocking but familiar. Maybe the guard was trying to teach me important things I needed to know. He looked at me and smiled briefly. I noticed he never smiled for longer than maybe a second. When he laughed it was a quick laugh. He began to tell me something to make me laugh, try and break the tension of this very serious and, I found, disturbing conversation. "Well sure one night a woman had called the station. She was terrified. We went up to the house. The man was calm the woman was in an awful state. We talked to each separately. The man was chatting up my colleague, he was very charismatic. Later my colleague was laughing about it, how he thought he was succeeding in impressing her, like a man such as him would ever impress her. But this abuse with his wife had been going on for years."

I began to shake my head. I was thinking what kind of a horrible life that would be. I was terrified it may be my life with Jeffrey whether I liked it or night.

As if reading my mind the guard looked me right in the eyes again. He looked into my soul through my eyes and thoughts. He talked to me in a very clear and direct way "John you have come very far very quickly."

Far I thought. Far?? I was nowhere near getting out of this trap. I knew I was in terrible danger. I knew this conversation was crucial for my safety. Unless I was talking to someone who would help free me.

"John many people won't leave their abuser. They think its their fault, they deserve it. Or nobody would want them. The abuser takes away their confidence, as well as many other things. The victim thinks the abuser will change."

I have worked as a care worker and nursing assistant in hospitals and care homes over the years. I was not a useless layabout that Jeffrey called me. I had done a lot to help people over the years, including him. I cannot remember that I did see this happen but so often I have replayed the scene in my mind. A woman laying on a trolley whose husband had assaulted her and broke her leg. I often say to myself and others. I am not going to be that woman lying on a trolley with a broken leg begging the nurses to tell them what she had had done wrong to deserve such a terrible beating by her husband. When she should have been asking why the sick bastard thought it was acceptable to beat her! To beat her so hard he broke her leg. Of course nothing the poor woman could ever have done deserved that. She thought that she could have done something better then he would not have broken her leg!!!!

Since this started happening, I have always had that image in my head. No, my life will not be like that. The guard seemed to know what I was thinking. Maybe he was seeing patterns in my mind too!

Garda White spoke softly "John, you know, you do not want this kind of life. You have said it. Really John you don't need this in your life. John you are very young. You really have a very long life ahead of you. You do not need to live with this for the rest of your life. Really John life is too short. You have come very far. You know all this."

I nodded my head slowly pondering his every word because each of his words were making an impact on me. I was thinking that way but when the guard said all this I thought, no, he's bloody right. I do not want a life like that.

Then my heart whispered to me "But I love him John. Things might change. He might change. We could be happy again." I liked the fact the guard had not picked up on my age!

Briefly I nearly gave in to tears again. My throat became tight. My eyes winced and I could feel my hands clenching. I started to shudder. I forced the tears back. Then I stopped myself. It was 12.30 am at night into the next day and I still had to make my statement. I planted my feet firmly on the ground and sat up straight in an effort to maintain stability. I was not worried about being emotional in front of the guard. But I needed this man to understand the serious situation, a life-threatening situation. The part he might play in saving my life then at least I could leave my abuser. I knew I'm had to take the process of dealing with Jeffrey one step a time, probably for a long time to get rid of him completely.

I had to make myself clear to the guard. I had to say the right words to get his help, especially since he seemed willing to help. I knew this was the most important message I had ever given to someone in my whole life. I had to keep myself together.

"So John are you ready to make your statement?" "Yes Garda White." The guard took out his pen and what I could see from the title on the sheet was a formal statement form. He poised his pen on the sheet waiting for my words. I never dictated to someone to write my words before. I sat there trying to remember the words I had put together on the way from Bray on my notes app. I said a few sentences, but my head was not clear. My voice was faltering. I was not using the written word; I was trying to speak out loud my words. Two different things for me. When I write I can take my time, read over what I have written, rewrite it then I can deliver my message well. When speaking I do not have that time to think. I was struggling to remember what I needed to say. Then I just gave up in frustration. "Garda White can I just read this statement out to you? I have it written here. I am too stressed to think clearly about what I want to say." I was pointing at my mobile phone. He nodded yes quickly without saying anything. He was waiting with his pen poised on the statement form. I realised he was prepared to start writing.

I sat and read my statement from my mobile. My words began to flow, building up my message, a plea for help and why I desperately needed the help of the guards. He wrote down every word, his brow was furrowed with concentration. I thought he might burn a hole through the paper with the focused attention and energy I saw on his face. His determination to make sure every word he was writing was correct.

When you are in shock or a near state to shock you can see with detail and all around you slows down. It is part of the survival mechanism of the brain, to collect as much information as possible. The information from all sources is used rapidly by the brain to influence thinking and behaviour so that survival can be achieved. This state only occurs when the brain is certain the organism that it commands to function is in danger of physical death or complete mental collapse.

My words poured out of my mouth once I could see their shape typed on my phone. I swore I had never assaulted Jeffrey. That he was terrorising be with all forms of abuse except sexual and maybe he would stoop down further to that level sometime. That I am not to be put in jail for even one night as I don't hurt people, at all unless its by mistake.

Jeffrey would try to have me imprisoned. He will say I have been violent or mentally unwell. I repeated several times I had done nothing wrong. At the very end I begged, literally and unashamedly begged for the protection of the local Garda Station because it was only with their help, I could escape my domestic abuser.

As I heard myself speak a part of my mind was observing me, I was listening to my own words, there was a kind of unreality to them. Here I was in a Garda Station I must have passed a million times having lived most of my life in Kildare. What shocked me, with my own words, was that everything I said was true.

I would either end up dead at the hands of Jeffrey, maybe while I was trying to escape, or worse taken hostage by him and live the life of a slave. I was sure God would not allow that to happen. Maybe Garda White would stop this living nightmare.

Garda White asked further questions so I could elaborate. My statement was around a page and a half long. The writer in me had taken over and made sure that everything I needed to say was said. Leaving absolutely no information out. He read out the whole statement, as I knew already, he was determined to get the words right. I tried to make sure that when Jeffrey attempted, not if, to have me imprisoned for allegedly breaking his order or for attacking him and attempting to have the guards imprison me. I made sure my statement drove home that I had done no violence or abuse against Jeffrey. I finished off with a yet another heartfelt desperate plea that the guards protect me as I feared not just for my safety but also my life. That I was not fit enough to protect myself should he assault me or take my medication.

The guard read out each word and allowed me to correct the words he had written so he could write down the exact correct words and sentences. I respectfully corrected his words and sentences as he had shown me respect by making sure he was precise in recording my words.

At the end of my statement I turned to the guard and for a fourth time begged the guard, unashamedly and with even greater desperation than in my statement, for his help and the help of the other guards. I had never begged in my life but I was becoming desperate. I knew I was begging to protect my life, no exaggeration. I knew only the guards could help me. But I knew too I couldn't make them. We both breathed a sigh of relief at the same time. I knew the guard had listened and would help. It was almost 2.00 am. I had been talking to Garda White for two hours. After talking so much to him I began to feel better. Then set in the terrible dread I had of returning 'home'. It wasn't my home any-more it was my torture chamber. A pleasant looking place, but with all the false pleasantness of a well-hidden trap for wild animals well stocked with food to capture them. The statement was written. Everything I had to say methodically recorded by the guard. He had heard me and believed me. I had just made the most important speech in my life. No doubt there would be more speeches in court, if I even managed to get to court.

"Right John, now there is my card with my name and number. I still have to take a statement from Jeffrey and get his side of the story."

I spun around and glared at him; my eyes were popping out of my head like a stunned rabbit in front of car headlights. "Garda White what do you mean his side of the story?!! I thought you had listened to me!!!"

"Yes John. I have listened to you and I believe you. There is a police process that has to be followed and taking his statement is part of the legal procedure. You see, I am in charge of this case, so I need to get his statement as part of the evidence of this case. There is a legal process every guard has to follow when investigating anything. Now, as I was saying earlier make notes, as many as you can in as much detail like times and days because they will be very important in court."

He made me realise that while he believed me that there was a fairness required in the Garda system. Innocent until proven otherwise. "OK Garda. Listen I know it's late and I am sorry I arrived so late. Thank you so much for listening to me and not falling for Jeffreys lies and half-truths. Can I call you if I have trouble when I get home tonight, someone might come up to the house? Because I'm going be in big trouble tonight and tomorrow." Garda White appeared stern "Yes John a car will be sent up if there is any trouble. If you have any further evidence to help your case, please tell me. Goodnight now John." "Thanks again Garda White" The garda smiled briefly and disappeared into his office. I went slowly through the door of the station and very slowly walked home knowing that there was going to be a huge argument when I came home because Jeffrey had a protection order. There was no need for me to rush home for the "Punishment" he would give me, as he was so fond of calling his abusive torture.

I was walking 'home' well, torture prison really. I thought over and over again oh God I'm so scared I really am in for it now. My feelings of hope changed to feelings of fear. Jeffrey texted me to say he would ring my mother tomorrow if I did not come home. I did not want to tell him when I was coming home in case, he would wait to start a fight.

I was making something to eat when I returned to the house. He got up from his bed and came into the kitchen. He said it was so easy to get a protection order. I said well done for getting a protection order on the day of my birthday, he must be happy with himself. He said he was delighted with himself. I was going to eat some spinach as I felt s sick to my stomach. Confusingly he had some cake in the fridge, I couldn't eat it. That started him off. He said how was my day? Did I want any egg Protein with my spinach? I told him I had been advised not to speak to him tonight. I left my food behind on the counter and went to bed. I barricaded myself into my room with my gym weights because I didn't want an argument, I just wanted a good night's sleep. The guards had told me to lock myself into my room

He told me not to block the bedroom door it's a fire hazard. I told him to stay away from me and not speak to me. He said that he would put it all that into a Garda report about my dangerous abusive behaviour. I said fine go ahead. He then said if I want to eat egg protein he was going to get a dog. I have repeatedly stated I don't want a dog. He expects me to look after a dog I don't want while he goes to work. I knew he was just trying to goad me so I said nothing. He went to bed unsuccessfully trying to cause a fight. His tone since I came home was haughty and superior. He was swaggering around the house with his nose in the air like a thug winning a fight in a car park. That stupid judge helped him win the fight and made my plans for escape now so much more difficult, unless the guards could help. I never in all my life felt so miserable.

All my hard work undone by a stupid, clueless judge.

As I said in my statement to Garda White Jeffrey he will use the protection order to threaten me. I decided I will go to the station tomorrow and report all of this. Just because I refused to be taken into an argument and did not talk to him and ensuring my safety and a good sleep.   
His texts that he sent yesterday were only to support his pretence to others that he is reasonable. They were not matched by his haughty attitude toward me when I came home. I did not tell him I was at the Garda Station that night.

I can expect in the next few days that he will continue to control my behaviour by threats of reports being made to the guards as predicted in my statement on 25th November. He will most likely make a call to the guards in the coming days. Jeffrey only wishes to control me now. Love or care for me is not present in him just a blatant and obvious determination to dominate me by any means possible. He is already using the protection order as his new stick to beat me with as I predicted in my statement and I was only ten minutes home. I realise there is no future in our relationship. To stay with Jeffrey will cause me great misery, a loss of my identity as a person and my independence as he dominates and forces me to change into whoever he wants me to be. Today I know now he no longer cares for me. I am just an object for him to control and dominate like you would a dog and to keep and trap like a bird in a cage. His power and his planning to continue to dominate me have been enhanced by him obtaining a protection order . My life will be much more difficult now and my safety more tenuous than it has ever been despite 4 months of working with the law to ensure my protection.

A stupid judge has now enabled him further to continue his psychological, emotional and physical abuse of me. This is all proven by the reasonable texts he sent me yesterday contradicted by his new openly dominate attitude toward me that he displayed when I came home. Any pretence of care he has for me he has discarded now as he has enough power to let his true intentions is openly known to me without any caution toward me that he once had when I was the sole person with the protection order.

I got the protection order to protect myself from him while we worked on our relationship with the intention of using it only if I felt my safety was at risk. I have not used the Order in 4 months until last night. Jeffrey has made no attempt to work with me and mend our relationship. He pretends to by being nice to me but in no real or meaningful way that would help or actual relationship. His regular arguments have not built my trust in him at all. There are plenty of texts saying he loves me and wants to make our relationship better. These are empty words he just wants to continue to dominate me. He was threatening to use his order within ten minutes of me arriving home for something not even remotely covered by the order. There was no threat to his life or safety. He just wanted to revel in his success at obtaining a protection order as he swaggered around the house with his nose in the air like a true thug. He obtained it to control me and a manipulative response to my use of my order. He gave me no birthday card or present, not that I would want it anyway, it would have been nice of him to acknowledge my birthday.

I do not understand how he was given a protection order. I was only home ten minutes when he threatened a garda report will be written because of my bad behaviour. I can hear him now snoring in bed while I am sitting in my bed in the spare room with my door barricaded writing notes to ensure that I obtain my safety order in January. He was not worried about any threat from me at all and that's clear and I did nothing at all to him and displayed no behaviour covered by the protection order. I cannot leave the house and live somewhere for a few days because he will probably change the locks of the doors. I am trapped now like a rabbit in a snare. If I leave the house, he could change the locks. If I stay with anyone that would threaten their own safety too like he did while I was staying with my mother. She became so worried about his behaviour when I was staying with her I thought she would have a heart attack. I do not want him to threaten the safety of those who love me. And he would control me from a distance like when I was at my mothers. So currently now there is no solution. I just try to keep myself safe somehow and ignore his threats and take everything step by step moment by moment. Any mistake could spell death. I really am beginning to lose hope. I really don't know if I am going to survive this.

In all my life I've never been so terrified all because of a stupid judge. At least Jeffrey did not know I had been down at the station. I cried quietly as I took my clothes off slowly in the spare room now completely exhausted, stifling the sound of my crying with my hands. I whimpered quietly so as not to give Jeffrey the pleasure of hearing my cries. Jeffrey knocked on the door asking me was I okay then laughed and went back to bed. I lay in the bed. I was crying that much that my pillow became wet in minutes as if I had poured water on it. I curled up in the fetal position and prayed to God as hard as I could begging, not even for protection because I knew God would do with me as he saw fit, but I wanted strength most of all. Instead of confiding in God I literally spoke to Archangel Michael who over the years was like a friend to me. Except he never, ever, let me down. Michael knew everything about me, he was never cruel and always kind. He had directed me through the 25th November. He took away my stress every time I asked, like the best parent in the world who was also all powerful. When I asked Archangel Michael for help over the past ten years he always protected me. Even though I had turned into an emotional wreck within twenty minutes of arriving 'home' I suddenly felt hope, as small as one star in a vast expansive sky of darkness. I knew, knew, that I would survive. I didn't know in what state physically or mentally I would end up in or how I would get to safety. But I would stay alive and I would escape. Garda White would make sure of that.

28th November

He argued with me when I came home straight when I came in the door around 10.00. I have decided to stay out at night to reduce contact with Jeffrey. After I called the guards I sat with my arms around my head slumped onto the table as I cried heavily. Jeffrey was telling me leave and go to my mother's, I'll ring your psychiatrist your mentally unwell he said. He was shouting at me what he has ever done to hurt me and he loves me so much over and over again. I told him if I knew what he was really like I would never have gone anywhere near him. That he fooled me for years to get to know my weakness.

He was showing his true colours. I never knew who he really was. I cried harder and harder and Jeffrey continued to shout at louder and louder.

I begged Jeffrey to stop arguing with me. Jeffrey was playing my emotions like a fiddle. He was screaming at me now telling me how he was going to punish me by purposely driving me crazy. He was using vile words and going red in the face with anger. I started crying and begged him to stop but as usual this only made him worse because he knew he was getting to me. I reverted to a six-year-old child as victims often do. I sat at the table clenching my head crying and moaning as if it were about to burst such were the intensity of my emotions. Like a predator always knows when hunting Jeffrey knew he had me close to break down point and he pushed me further over the emotional threshold I could stand. I rang the guards because I was in fear that I would have a breakdown as was Jeffrey`s intent.

The night was busy, so the guards didn't come for over an hour. By that time Jeffrey had stopped torturing me. Before the guards were called Jeffrey rang them around 10.30. He wound me up saying "You want me in jail John and for a long time wouldn't you" and he kept saying it. Then I shouted loudly "Yes I do want you in prison. With the way you treat me that's what you deserve. I was shouting and crying because Jeffrey had been winding me up since 10.00 it was now almost 12 so 2 hours of torture. I felt like he had finally broken me. He had phoned the guards and was saying all this at the other side of the door. Then I heard him say outside on his phone "See that's what I put up with! Please guards I would appreciate if you came soon." Jeffrey influenced the guards by winding me up then calling them before they came to the house. He was not talking to the guards in the station he was in direct contact with the guards that were coming to our house. My friend David called the guards to ask when they were coming. I rang twice. Jeffrey also has made another call out the front of the house saying, "OK please come soon".

Jeffrey even said to me he knew he would end up going to prison tonight and it was my entire fault. He rang his brother Jr to ask him would he be a witness if he was going to court in the next few days. Jeffrey himself thought he was going to prison overnight for his behaviour over 3 days.

I rang Alan, my friend of 30 years, and cried down the phone hysterically saying I couldn't take it any-more, Jeffrey is too clever my voice becoming higher as I began to panic. He asked me did I want him to come to the house. I said it was not safe for Alan to come to the house Jeffrey was being so abusive and angry. He said the guards will arrest him don't worry. I told Alan the guards won't believe me. I could hear Alan struggling to think of what to say. I sobbed down the phone to him this is not going to work they won't believe me. Alan was telling me to stay strong and stick with it that it would all work out. Not to let Jeffrey break me and he kept telling me not to let Jeffrey break me. He asked me what my mam would say to strengthen me and to think that way. Not to fall apart. He said he would call the guards. He did around 10.40 am and he rang back and said he rang the guards and he told them he was extremely worried about how Jeffrey was behaving that night and he was very worried for my wellbeing. The guard assured Alan that Jeffrey would be arrested for a breach of the peace if I pressed charges.

Jeffrey was shouting at me Alan and my mother were only winding me up about him and just wanted me to take the house, to stop talking to them. Alan could hear him shouting at me, he asked who that was shouting around the house.

I said to Jeffrey if he had his way, I would not know one single person on this earth so he could trap me like a bird in a cage and keep me trapped with him for the rest of my life because I knew that's what he wanted. But I will not let him.

But why was he torturing me mentally like he was when I never did anything wrong? He said I got a protection order and never bothered to do anything to save the relationship. And on he went for the whole weekend before tonight.

I would have thought that since Jeffrey had broken a court Order now the guards found him in the house they not have the opportunity to arrest him now? Because he already broken the law on the 24th November?

The guards that spoke to me as we sat down at the kitchen table were not sympathetic to me. The guard listened for only a few seconds at the recording I had made at the weekend of Jeffrey losing it. Then he started looking at me and studying me in a questioning way.

He made the judgement that I was trying to wind Jeffrey up and pester him to force him to say he lied to Family Court on the recording. Garda White found it very serious. The guard who arrived at the door said that Garda White could say whatever he wanted to say it made no difference to him. I was beginning to dislike this guard. To be fair I think Jeffrey talked to this particular guard as they approached the car about the recording. Also when the guard spoke to me he started off by saying Jeffrey does not deserve six months in prison, as Jeffrey had made me say while he held the phone up to the door. Now this guard was very strict looking, he did not strike me as a bad man, I was listening all the time to my instinct which now I know is always right.

I knew Jeffrey had duped this guard. He did not have the same instinct that the much younger Garda White had. I told him and protested that Jeffrey is the aggressor not me. That Jeffrey is not at all influenced by my behaviour. I can't force him to do anything not even to stop arguing or stop being aggressive that is why I have a protection order! How could a Garda think an abuser can be forced to do anything by the victim I thought to myself. The statement Jeffrey made in court will easily be proven to be lies once I get to court in January and the facts laid before the court with me present to tell my story. Essentially my story is simply the truth. At this point I had nothing to lose. I told the guard if I'm seriously assaulted and in hospital following inaction by a guard to protect me since I do have a protection order this will be his fault.

The guard said that is family court's business not mine. He said there was no sign of any argument on the recording after hardly listening to the recording at all. Jeffrey asked me did I want a cup of tea and what was wrong with that. Sure that's when he's about his tirade that goes on forever!

I gave up. Game Set and Match to my charming monster of a partner. Garda White got it straight away. He said Jeffrey was "unrelenting" as if he was trying to "Wear me down" on the recording. He said the argument that Jeffrey had with me was very serious as the guard asked me when Jeffrey's hearing was. I said June. That was what Jeffrey said. Then I thought why the hell did I listen to Jeffrey, when he opens his mouth it's a lie!! The guard looked at me incredulously and said what do you mean June? I said that is what he told me. The guard said well you will know when your served.

I overheard Jeffrey saying to the guard questioning him in the spare room that the assault I spoke to the guard about was just a scuffle. It is written in a letter that accompanied my summons that I got him in a stranglehold and threw him onto the couch. He said to the judge I am violent; he is afraid of me. Yet although he claimed I abused him to Garda White on the 25th November when the guard said he gave no details. Why were these two guards not connecting the dots? Oh I know the answer, they've just been fooled by Jeffrey as he fed them lies when they were approaching the house!  
Terrified that Jeffrey might believe the guards will not help as he said in a last ditch effort to be listened to I said to the garda well if I get assaulted the guards know I looked for help and didn't get it beforehand. I told him now that Jeffrey knows he can get away with it that might well happen that I will be assaulted. He said they would come up again if that happens. I told the guard I have to barricade myself into the spare room. Another garda told me to do that. This guard said it was my choice to do that. He said my solicitor didn't explain the protection order properly if she's also a criminal solicitor (I never told him anything about my solicitor). I said the only people I had talked to about the rules and consequences of the protection order was the guards. That I had followed the advice of his colleagues, that was all I had done.

Jeffrey asked to have a private meeting. I was surprised when the guards agreed. Jeffrey took them into the spare room and closed the door. I could hear Jeffrey complaining about my poor mental health and supplements and protein. He was speaking in a slow deep reasonable voice that he hasn't used with me for a long time. I sat on the couch I knew he was working his way out of a bad situation and as l listened I heard him telling a web of lies to the guards. It was all over for me so I resigned myself to the failure to protect myself. I knew he would end up looking good no matter what I would say.

I just resigned myself to the fact that the guards wouldn't believe me but then that's a fact of life for me at the moment. Jeffrey always gets away with it so many legal people believe what he says. I suppose most people who read this note will think I'm lying that I am trying to trap Jeffrey. I have friends and professionals trying to help me but I am not getting the protection from the law I hoped I would. Maybe when he finally breaks one of my limbs or he breaks my leg and I end up in accident and emergency the law will believe I was right. By then it will be too late.  
Jeffrey said to the two guards I was taking steroid inhalers that were making me angry. I could hear them say we don't handle relationship difficulties and they also said they don't have the training to deal with mental health issues. At least the guards didn't arrest me over false allegations.

Again in my statement I said Jeffrey would level false allegations at me and  
the guard that first spoke to me came back into the sitting room where I was sitting and told me in front of Jeffrey to only use the protection order correctly. The guard said we just had a little argument and I was not in fear. I was past caring at this stage. I had used the order as told by the guards in the station and in family court and it was the Garda Station kept on telling me to use the protection order after I asked them for advice about Jeffrey`s behaviour. And here they were giving out to me and reading me the riot act when all I did was follow their advice.

I sat on the sitting room couch with the two tall guards and Jeffrey standing over me. I could feel myself retreating into my soul. My mind seemed to drift away somewhere within me. I just felt nothing at all. I had dissociated due to shock. The two guards and Jeffrey became unreal and almost faded into nothingness as I fervently prayed to God for help and for the protection of Archangel Michael now that I realised the 'protection' order afforded me no protection at all. Why was it called protection order when it affords no protection I felt at the time.

The guards left. My friend rang again and told me to get on the phone straight away and complain. I said what would I say, he said you will know when you speak. Immediately I called the station to complain, right in front of Jeffrey. Suddenly I was energised with what I knew to be the help of God and I followed my guidance. I needed to show Jeffrey he had not won yet. I was showing him deliberately I was not afraid of him although I was terrified of him. This was not my reasoning. God wanted me to stay alive and was guiding me. My hands were shaking, I could barely grip the phone and hold it up to my head. I was sweating profusely, and my face was turning red with stress and fear. But I had to make a show of strength, I couldn't let him think he had broken down all my defences. Then he could finally break me. No, no way.

I called the garda station to complain about how everything was handled. Jeffrey was fleeing out the door cursing at me even while I was on the phone to the guards. He said the saddest thing for me was that the guards didn't help me when I needed them too. My friend Alan was great at winding me up causing trouble for us in our relationship. After I complained the guard on the phone said probably another Garda would have dealt with the situation in a very different way, different guards deal with things differently.

I actually cursed and shouted at the guard down the phone, then I apologised repeatedly, insisting I respect the guards but I am terrified for my life. He easily accepted my apology for cursing and shouting at him, he understood I was afraid and then he apologised for the failure of the two guards to charge Jeffrey. After I said everything, he said he really didn't know what to say. I said it's important he puts on the notes that Jeffrey wound me up and then put the phone to the door so the guard could hear and then said yes this is what I have to put up with yes please come soon. I heard him do it and he told me he did. This was to pretend to the guards I am the problem. The guard said it was on the notes that Jeffrey rang before the guards came to the house. I told him Jeffrey also called his brother and I heard him say could he be a witness if he was in court in a few days. That Jeffrey himself was preparing to go to prison and then court that night.

Jeffrey had manipulated the guards like I knew he would and I said in my statement 25th November that would happen. I was fighting for my life could they not understand!!! I told the guard that last week when the guards came up on Thursday 24th November three guards agreed he had broken the Order. I said I wasn't angry he deceived them because he's deceived most legal people. The guard said he definitely would put the note that I had called on the system. I didn't know whether he would or not but my actions had scared Jeffrey enough to get him out of the house, my instinct told me not to show him any weakness but I was so terrified of him and what he was capable I really didn't know my partner. Now that he was lying to the guards and the courts about me I realised I am now in a whole different ball game. This guy is not only dangerous but wants to have me locked up by either the guards or by a psychiatrist!!!

I called my solicitor today and she told me Jeffrey`s behaviour is called emotional abuse. She told me to stop making excuses for my mental health, she is sure there is nothing wrong with my mental health. Jeffrey is just using it as an excuse to manipulate me and others. I was beginning to wonder had I generated some sort of terrifying hallucination that had become my life but no, more scary, this was my reality. That was my friend Alan's opinion or my solicitor's or my opinion. So Jeffrey has had now lied to the guards, the family court and the judge. This will be easy to prove because of a copy of the statement the family court sent me that Jeffrey had made where he said I " Put him in a stranglehold and threw me onto the sofa" and the comments he made to the guards, if the report mentions Jeffrey said the fight that night was "Only a scuffle". I said to myself at least I'm still mentally functioning to be able to deal with all of this, to the amazement of my psychiatrist and community nurse. While being so positive I felt that I was trying to piece together a belief that all would go well in court but it was a hope not a certainty.

I sat in the sitting room, which I no longer liked sitting in since the guard had said what he said last night with Jeffrey standing beside him with that fake concern on his face. The serious issues for me now are he is misusing his protection order that he got by lying to family court and also breaking my protection order that I deserved because Jeffrey is dangerous. Yet the guards last night listened to him not me. I hope I will get help from the guards if Jeffrey assaults me again. I say to Jeffrey I am sure I will get the safety order. For the first time I am thinking it's possible I won't. Maybe the law will give Jeffrey his safety order and think I'm the problem as he successfully convinces everyone and refuse me mine. I can see him smiling smugly at me in the court as I am truly defeated. I am not sure if the law is really very strong in Ireland if an abuser can fool a court, a judge and the guards even though I have done nothing wrong. All I have done is as I was advised by the law. What is life like for abused people when many don't have the intelligence I have and the support of my mam and two dear friends? If this is what happens with protection order s what happens to those who are completely isolated and not knowing how to deal with their domestic abuser?

I cooked dinner for myself tonight and left some dinner for Jeffrey because he was late coming home. I was trying to appease him. Jeffrey came home and was very angry. He told me he was leaving for a few days because he knew I would call the guards when I wanted to.

I also strongly believe that the guards had a word with him during that private meeting as Jeffrey said something about the two of us should behave as men like the guard said which he did not say to me. We never said a phrase like that about each other. Jeffrey said he needed a break from me (that's not what he said in his nice texts today). He questioned me mockingly saying that the recording that I played for the guards didn't go well did it?

He said that the saddest thing for me was when I needed help last night nobody helped. And what's really sad for me is for all my efforts to get the guards to help me they didn't help me in the end. He said when he has to give his statement, he'll talk to that bloody guard I was whining to with a solicitor. With that he banged the front door shut and drove off. Then he spent the rest of the night after he left texting me. He said he didn't want to ring me. In dismay I realised it doesn't matter if he's in the same house as me or not, he can hurt me wherever I am.

I think when he heard me complain to the guards last night on the phone that he left home in case the guards returned. But the guards didn't return so he need not have worried.

Even though he was away for the night he texts me nearly all night about how we should stay together, how we could give each other space by taking turns in staying in our parents' houses. All this after he lied to the guards about my mental health last night and I just received a summons to go to court with him today where he lied to a judge. I have told him I am completely finished with him. He continued saying he likes me loves me etc. But I will still be building my case to get my safety order in court in January. I will not be fooled by his empty words. He has talked like this before and always ends up doing something deceitful. I would be a fool to believe anything he says.

Tonight I called Women's Aid in desperation trying to know what to do, they talk to men too. These help lines are very practical and nobody else understands what I'm going through, but they do. I found out something vital about what happened yesterday. It turned out that the two guards could have brought both me and Jeffrey to the station, the guards would listen to both sides then make their mind up who to charge. This is what would be their policy and they do this all the time. Imagine!! I would have definitely been locked up by the time Jeffrey finished lying!!

I actually felt embarrassed because those guards should really have taken me and him to the station and they didn't, they had been decent, I think so. Then I talked to the girl that he had left the house, I didn't know if it was my show of strength or come to think of it had the guards said something to him to get him to back off. The woman said it would be impossible to tell but if he was not charged by the guards and yet showing fear by staying away from the house it was possible something was said but she couldn't say for sure. My instinct said to me they had because today Jeffrey texted that the guards said that we were to act like men, a phrase Jeffrey had never used before. Neither guard last night said that to me.

Those good guards I was so angry with did deal with him properly. In an unofficial manner I think. Not the way I wanted them to but in their own way. A guard a few months ago had said in the station my protection order would only be effective if I used it when I needed to. Then it would become a deterrent from my abuser. It would also be used against me in court if I only threatened him with the Protection order. Had those two guards gotten him out of the house? I'll never know for sure but I am assuming they said something to him. Suddenly I feel safe again knowing I'm not crazy and the guards haven't branded me as a violent abuser. OR maybe Jeffrey is afraid of me, he could be scared of little me! At least a little.

3rd December

Funnily enough Jeffrey does not talk about how his mental health affects his behaviour. He blamed everything on his mental health on the past. Almost every difficulty. Obviously, he has been advised not to talk that way coming up to a court date.

Now it's me. Nearly every email he has sent me and most texts say something about me and how I am to blame for everything. He is determined to get any information from me about the bipolar I have, tries to get me to mention my mental health in texts and emails. But as far as I know he has not found any information yet. Hopefully he won't text me or email me while he is at his parents and I will get a break. He already contacted me this morning. He was both emailing me and texting me till 2.30 am yesterday morning even though I have tried not to text him. Even when I request him not to he continues. Like last night when I got upset after one of his emails I asked not to contact me again because I was upset and he sent a text and two emails. Jeffrey manages to stress me even when he is not physically present with his texts and emails. I wonder is he actually at work if he can text and email so regularly even during the day.

This evening I was in the gym and a curious idea came into my head. Nearly everyone I know or ever knew that knew Jeffrey thought he was just fantastic. The best person I could have met or they had met. One of the most helpful and sociable people (although he never had friends that he met regularly which I always thought was weird since he was from Dublin and lived there all his life). I had a lot of friends before I met Jeffrey. For most of the years of my life I have had a lot of friends and some were very kind to me. I don't know.

Jeffrey's personality nearly always eclipsed mine. I often struggled to have conversations with friends or family when Jeffrey was around. At times I simply gave up talking while Jeffrey would be the entertainer which was usually accompanied with having a laugh at my expense. But in time if I wanted to talk to friends or a family member, I would meet them on my own and then I could have a good proper chat with them. When I started doing this maybe 4 years into the relationship, he was annoyed but I made no secret of the fact that when we were together, I couldn't talk to my friends.

There were times when we were out maybe at weekends away or sometimes just in a couple of local shops where people instantly did not like Jeffrey. They behaved as if they were disgusted by him in a way you would if a rat ran up to your foot and nibbled at your shoe. Some might kick the rat or most would jump out of the way in revulsion. That's the way these particular people looked. The man in the local chip shop treated Jeffrey with complete and obvious disdain to the point where Jeffrey stopped going into that chip shop even though we had only been in twice. The chip man was always nice to me. The same people were so nice to me, really nice, but they definitely very strongly disliked Jeffrey. If I just asked for sausages or a burger, he would always add chips, people often go the extra mile for me. Like Garda White.

This past year a nurse had the same reaction with Jeffrey. She walked past him. She stopped and glared at him. She really did not like him. She hovered along the corridor watching him and then Jeffrey got angry with her and verbally abused her. On the summer holiday when Jeffrey assaulted me he really didn't like the staff. They would not give him towels. They gave me towels no problem, so I ended getting the towels if we needed them.

There was the air hostess in her late fifties he drew up to and shouted in her face. She instinctively called for help and her colleagues circled around her to protect her. This behaviour of Jeffrey's that scared the airline staff was becoming more regular with me (apparently Jeffrey has a letter of apology for the way air-line staff treated him. I think they managed him well).

None of this is any good for court I don't have any proof. I just do not know how this happened to me. Me, who has travelled the world and encountered very dangerous people and situations in my life, someone so well educated. I used to claim I had some understanding of people.

How could I be so badly fooled by a kiss and a hug and a promise to be loved forever? Did I never realise the person I was in love with did not actually exist? Why did I never know Jeffrey was just a projected personality? He was who I wanted him to be but that was just a mask for the real person that Jeffrey knew I would never love. I didn't realise that Jeffrey's idea of love was not love. Just a desire to dominate me and abuse me for my whole life and for me to stay with him because I would be too afraid to leave and probably too alone to contemplate a successful escape. At least right now I still have the resources to set myself free. I have people around me that care. I just hope that my own strength and the strength of all those who are trying to unlock this trap I am in will be enough to set me free.

Unfortunately, I don't think I am guaranteed to be able to defend myself against Jeffrey because of his charm and his skilful lying and deceit. I remember last Monday night after I rang the guards cradling my head in my hands as I cried and sobbed repeatedly asking myself how this has happened to me. Just repeating how did this happen to me. I still don't know. If I am to survive all this and move on from this relationship I will have to learn about Jeffrey's type of personality and abusers like him.

I will need to identify how to spot these people so that I will learn from this and stay well out of the way of these people in future when I know I am talking to an abuser. Because most people are not as nasty as Jeffrey and abusers like him. The fact that so many people are trying to help me get out of this mess proves that. This did not happen regularly; the reaction was not the dislike people normally can have toward others. When this happened the person just seemed repelled by Jeffrey and treated me so well. I didn't like it when this happened to Jeffrey. But these types of interactions Jeffrey had with only a few people sometimes made me wonder but I did not understand.

Now I wonder did a few people see Jeffrey for who he really is the controller with the dominant personality. Maybe they knew who he really was in a few seconds. Over 12 years I did not know this man. I didn't approve of these people behaving like this to Jeffrey. But now I think maybe they knew him for who he really was. I now see them as wise individuals to be able to see that type of personality. My only wish now is that they could have been truly nice to me and told me what they knew. But then I would not have believed them. I only knew the version of Jeffrey he wanted me to know. They would have wasted their time telling me and maybe they knew that too.

A few weeks ago Jeffrey said that he was punishing me. By constantly arguing with me over a weekend was his way of punishing me because he knew I didn't like his continuous arguing. No matter what he says now he knows I don't like arguments. So he decided to punish me that way. He said all this when I wouldn't give him my nebular.

When he said that to me, I told him that he can never truly punish me. He could never truly harm me. Because I have a spirit in me. He has no access to my spirit no matter what abusive method he uses on me. I will always find comfort and strength in my spirit and I feel it every moment of every day even when he abuses me. That he cannot access my strength. But even though that is how I am keeping myself going I will not accept his treatment of me.

I am not some dog to be kicked. I will stand up for myself in a non-violent way by any means possible. I told him I know people will help because when I get into trouble people always help me. I am not meant to live this life as a slave to your mood I told him. He kept looking at the television and said nothing. If I don't survive this predicament at least I am true to one of the main themes of my books. That there is a great strength in spirit. That no matter what difficult situation you are in there is always the strength in spirit. That what I have written about was how I lived.

Maybe all these notes can be distributed in some way to create awareness if they failed in their use against Jeffrey in court or if he doesn't let me live so I can get to  
court. They would be a testimony to the bravery of domestic abuse survivors. If I do survive, I will always be touched by the help of those who love me and the help of those who do not even know me but are desperately trying to keep me safe. I will figure out some way of using my writing to spread awareness among people about the dreadful torture, entrapment and even the danger to survival that domestic abuse victims are faced with. The silent sufferer that people rarely hear.

Sometimes I get upset that I didn't see this personality in Jeffrey. That I was literally blind to whom he really was. In human survival terms I have made a seriously incorrect choice of mate. I have now a person who threatens my very life and the wellbeing of those I love. I made that choice nobody else. Yes, I did make this mistake. But if you bought something in a shop an object made to be a fake copy of another object of superior quality and brand, a person would get their money back or the person might sue and most likely win. In the same way I was not in a relationship with the person I thought Jeffrey was. Jeffrey synthesised the personality he knew I would like so that he would fully reveal his true self at a time best suited for him and move to completely control me. I cannot blame myself for being brainwashed and fooled for over 12 years because the person I am with is a fake. A person that took advantage of the kindness in me and I expressed toward him daily.

I chose to see the goodness in him. I loved the idea of Jeffrey that he portrayed, not the real Jeffrey. Apart from the handful of people I mentioned that were literally repelled by Jeffrey for the brief moments they met him during 12 years not one friend, family member or health professional ever advised me to exercise caution toward Jeffrey. Jeffrey never let me know who he really was. How was I supposed to know?

People like him, narcissists, they're not ill, they know what they are doing is wrong. They enjoy the pain they cause others. Other people often help them. Their behaviour is cruel, cold and calculating. I have studied psychology, so I have a scientific education. I graduated from University College Dublin which is considered the best authority of this subject in Ireland and a leading university in Europe as concerns psychology. I have worked in psychiatry. I was a scientist in psychology, I only believed in what is tested and can be measured. I had no time for psychoanalysis, the processes of which cannot be measured scientifically, not scientific therefore untrue.

What I saw in Jeffrey`s eyes were evil, make no mistake. It's nothing to do with diagnosis. It's nothing to do with sickness, it's not sickness. That's just society making excuses for the over-exaggeration of the inflated ego which is present in all high-level employment. I know now there is evil, the devil does exist. I saw evil in Jeffrey`s eyes and I'll never forget that. They may pretend they are cured if they seek treatment but never for long as Vanknin states and in the meantime it's probably an act. I know now if I meet another of his kind to just get out of their way. Not that I even tried to change him or anything like that. And I'll stay out of their way, even if I just have a hunch. I know now the heart often knows more than the mind. The heart tells me when these depraved individuals are around. I'll listen and act on my messages from the heart from now on. I will just disengage immediately and ignore them.

While Jeffrey preyed on the kind and compassionate person I am and still am he underestimated the deep veins of personal strength within me. He underestimated the brightness of the light of hope at my core which people rarely see but is always there. I think he is shocked by the amount of people who are helping me, some of whom I didn't even request their help. Strangers who have only met me for a few moments, beautiful people with beautiful hearts, pledging to assist me.

Their determination to assist me in my battle against Jeffrey's abuse has now stretched from days to weeks and still no sign of life improving. days to weeks and still no sign of improvement. And I don't think it will, I think this could be drawn out for a year or two. The house will be an issue too, if it gets sold or kept. Ye, this is not over by a long shot my intuition tells me. Still, to live is what I really want.

I am not the modern archetype of the domestic abuse victim. The socially isolated domestic abuse victim completely abandoned possibly with kids lost in a no man's land of confusion between what happened and what is happening, still asleep to the depravity of the true personality of their abuser hoping that as a couple that if the situation is managed right they could still stay in a 'loving' relationship with their abuser. I am not asleep. I know what I am facing. I know I have to get a safety order, proceed to get legal aid to settle our legal affairs, eventually determine who is entitled to what and then eject Jeffrey out of my life completely. If I do not go through this process, he will control me for a very long time. This path will be uncomfortable and very dangerous, it will sever this relationship I no longer want in an effective, fair and final manner. If I only run away from this legal process, I will never be free and I will be left with nothing.

To me cancer patients are given chemotherapy as if to almost kill the patient's body so that the cancer dies because there is almost nothing in the body to feed on. I in order to fully protect myself now and in the future I must face Jeffrey's wrath even putting my own life and health at risk in Order to do so in a court of law in an attempt to eradicate him from me and my life. What I do share with the archetype of domestic abuse victim is I still have to stand up to my abuser. I have to face the awesome anger within him. I have had to endure the incredible ferocity of the abusive behaviour he practices against me.

Try as I may to escape this trap, I know I have to use all the resources I can in as many clever ways possible to ensure I escape. I know that if I leave my guard down even once or make the wrong move that Jeffrey will take that moments weakness and try to regain his dominant abusive grip on me. I am awake now and I will not be intimidated.

I told Jeffrey that I had stopped taking the medication. Even so Jeffrey continued to be abusive. His behaviour was nothing to do with medication. There was no physical abuse until the end of Autumn when he threw things at me in the kitchen and then I left for my mother's. When that happened, his family did work with me to control his behaviour. He was also attending a mental health clinic that year and I insisted on them listening to the issues I was having with Jeffrey even though he had convinced them it was my fault that I was angry.

He said the medication was inhibiting my bipolar medication. My doctor tried to tell Jeffrey by writing the letter I wasn't even taking medication for most of that year. I was also bringing his attention behaviour to the attention of his family. So eventually Jeffrey was dealt with effectively. He never told me what people did to stop his abusive behaviour. What really annoys me sometimes is because of the bipolar I have discovered that diet and exercise is very important and for my managing my leg too. I rarely drink only socially and sometimes not even then. I have had 4 alcoholic drinks all year. I don't smoke, I gave up smoking. I don't take recreational drugs.

If Jeffrey started living with someone else, I think he would get a really bad shock because most people have one or more of these habits. He has no right to complain about my diet. I live a healthier lifestyle than most people as even my mother said. I really get offended when he treats me like a drug addict because a take basic supplements and protein. All of which are well researched are of good quality and I do benefit from them. It will be very hard for him to find someone with as clean a diet and lifestyle as I have. Yet to him this magically explains away his abuse towards him and his family. He also says he's grieving for his dead sister who died of cancer. I am so tired of saying none of this is any excuse for his behaviour.

You shouldn't be aggressive for any reason I have been telling him.   
This year his abusive behaviour was different to 2009. His abuse this year escalated rapidly from emotional psychological and verbal in January to physical assaults in May and July. I could even say these outbursts were planned looking back because every time he went to his doctor he abused me in some way in the days after apparently due to side effects of a new drug his doctor was putting him on or due to a dosage of medication every couple of months sometimes. After talking to Women's Aid and Amen I realised usually he would have an outburst after going to the doctor using the above as excuses. I think now he planned to have an outburst after going to the doctor. Maybe but I couldn't be sure. That's how it has been with his abuse. I don't have any proof and I even doubt myself. How can I expect to be believed by anybody? The abuse this year rapidly became physical. I was powerless to stop his abuse or to do anything about his behaviour because he became violent literally overnight. Has family think this time it is my entire fault.

Anything I have done this year to defend myself has been a response to this sudden violence. I have had no real plan as I have been focusing not just on defending myself but my survival. Once he put my nebular mask somewhere, I couldn't find it when I had a serious asthma attack in the middle of the night. I had to wake him up and ask him where it was while I was gasping for breath. He casually took it out of a drawer. He kept staring at me as I struggled to breath in the medication. That was one of the reasons why I got a safe before I came back home so that he couldn't mess around with my medication any further.

Jeffrey says I have been living off him. I did buy concert tickets the odd time and some holidays. I often paid for my half of the holiday bill. If we were out, even in a cafe or going to the cinema, I would pay my half. On holiday I paid my half of the costs. I often asked him was he happy with how much I was paying living expenses he always said yes. We couldn't pay the mortgage if it wasn't for my contributions and we would not have a home without my money. I never thought I wasn't paying my way. Jeffrey looked after the actual payment of the bills he arranged the payments. What we did was we both paid a certain amount a week into a shared bank account which was just for paying bills. Then when a bill came in the money was there to pay it. There was often a surplus of money occasionally during the year. Jeffrey would say that our holiday money came from this surplus of money. So naturally I assumed I was paying my way. I thought we were sometimes paying too much money into the bill account. I didn't have any evidence to the contrary. He sometimes paid for things I told him several times not to but he insisted.

So that I didn't pay my way is another lie.  
Even Jeffrey himself for a few months could not make excuses for his assault on me on holiday. He just did not talk about it. It kind of didn't happen since he didn't talk about it. But he knew he was way out of order. Now what he says is "All I did was push you out the door" It took him a few months to make up that. Or maybe someone told him to talk about it that way. He pushed me so hard in the shoulders that I hit the wall that was opposite the door and almost fell over the wall. With my bad leg if I fell over the wall I may never have walked properly again. But the fall was so high I probably would have suffered concussion and broke something else as well. He would have permanently maimed me. Then I stumbled forward and started to talk to him and he slammed the door in my face. That is not pushing me out the door. And as he walked away, and I have the text on my old phone, let's just start the day over and try to have a nice day!!!!!!.

I never told him but I was terrified over what he did. The wall was very high up from the ground there was another apartment below us. He must have seen how scared I was. Then he said about let's start the day over again. Not even an apology. He never talked about it for months. Then he says over the last few weeks he only pushed me out the door. I don't think he brought that event up with the guard because the guard never mentioned it. He only talked about the "scuffle" in the sitting room. So the holiday assault I feel is of huge importance because Jeffrey knows he was out of order and he finds it hard to make excuses for his dangerous violent behaviour given the weakness in my leg which he is very conscious of when we are away from home. He usually handles the luggage for example. We don't walk on large hilly areas on holiday because that can hurt my leg. The intense physiotherapy I received for almost a year only taught me how to use my leg in certain ways. Unfamiliar terrain causes a lot of difficulty for me to walk or run and cause me pain in my leg and knee. So we are both conscious of this injury when we are away from home. That is why Jeffreys behaviour surprised me and really scared me on that day. It showed me not only that Jeffrey was violent, he was also unconcerned about my health. That is what really concerned me on that holiday. Jeffrey has been trying to convince me to go into court and say the matter is resolved and drop both our safety order applications. I am not doing that. Jeffrey wants to take away my protection by the law by either proving in court I shouldn't have the safety order or getting a safety order himself and using it as a threat like he did his protection order. So that we can be on a "level playing ground" as he liked to say when he obtained his protection order. If Jeffrey is successful in achieving either of these objectives, then the protection my safety order will give me will be greatly reduced. I would be at his mercy again if I do not get a safety order which will greatly impede my moving on to some other life without him which has to Jeffrey has made no effort to solve this chasm between him and I. He got a protection order just because I obtained one not because he needed it and he lied to the court to get it. This was a reaction to me using the protection order and an attempt to reduce the effect of my protection order which I obtained by telling the truth.

Looking at me at the start of my relationship with Jeffrey to the end of our relationship now my independence has been very much reduced which I was not aware of until now. There is a gulf of a difference between who I am now and who I was then. Just an observation. I am only living on my own now in our house for a little over a week and I am already having ideas as to how I can get back to the old me - independent, practically self-reliant except for friends and a little help from family like everyone needs and happy again. Back then there was no reason for me to believe that I would end up being domestically abused by Jeffrey. And nobody else suspected this could happen either. I was always very streetwise. I did some backpacking by myself a few years before I met Jeffrey. I wanted to travel that way. I always ended up as part of a group of trustworthy people who quickly became my friends when travelling. But you learn to be very good at judging people when you travel like that. So I didn't see any major issues such as this with Jeffreys behaviour when we started going out and then living together. Our first year, when we were renting in Dublin was great! No problems. For a couple of months before then I was put on a very strong antidepressant which didn't suit me because it was not supposed to be given to people with bipolar. Then I came off that. We both had a lot of anxiety. Other than that our relationship at the beginning for a few years was nice and we seemed to have fun. People always thought we were a lovely couple. Then there was 2009 when he was abusive nearly all the time when I smashed my leg. While I resented his treatment of me, I thought this was a once off. He told me he got very stressed when I was so sick and in such pain for most of the year. Then 2016 from March he has been so abusive, right across the spectrum of abusive behaviour except for sexual abuse. This year he is many times worse than 2009. I really cannot tolerate it any-more. His words really hurt me. He designs his comments to hurt me and his assaults scare me. He is a coward, like in March he verbally abused an air hostess in the airport. I never felt so ashamed of somebody's behaviour.

I do need a safety order to protect me from Jeffrey as I prepare to make this transition to a new life and for after I have left him. Running away from Jeffrey will not solve anything.

13th December

Jeffrey tells me he won't come home until the "legal stuff is finished". On the one hand I don't care. I'm spending a lot of time on my own, healing my own self with the healing power of God. He is the ultimate healer. He is definitely clearing my mind of all that crap Jeffrey into my head. His lies, his half-truths, his threats, and the memories I have of his assaults.  
The risk of more assaults if I don't get the safety order. All the things he blamed me for that was of his making not mine. How old I am. An "old slapper" that "nobody would be interested in you, you're so old". Yet I can't go into my gym without people glancing at me both men and women of all ages. Some men not even hiding that they are looking at me, in an impressed way. I know I am very fit. I still have lots of hair I'm around 12 stone no visible wrinkles. So if I have to go on the forty something singles market, like Bridget bloody Jones in that film, again at least I'm prepared. But all this nastiness and abuse was often sprinkled with the odd act of kindness, a nice word to me or a night of really passionate sex. Always followed by abuse the next day or some days later. For a short time, you think this is nice, then following that he would turn into a real brute and lose his temper. After he got his protection order his abuse greatly increased to an almost unbearable level. I had given up months ago pleading with him to stop being angry and now I knew that was no good. So I started putting all my weights up against the door to keep him out of the spare room/office where I sleep.

He said he would take notes about that and tells the guards he felt threatened in his home. I have really struggled to hold onto any bit of hope that I can survive all this mentally or even physically. How do I know he won't try to assault me again? Now I know the meaning of living in fear.

The really twisted part is I miss him. It's hard to imagine a life without him. How will I get the money to leave? But worse than that part of me wants to stay with him. Those few acts of kindness surrounded by the nights and days of terror as he shouts angrily at me for a whole day or two days to "punish" me if I did something he didn't like. We always had a kind of mental link. I would think of him and he would text or rings me. We finished each other's sentences.

Even now while he is staying in his brothers and I am on my own in the house I was writing this note about him and his text me. That mental link is still there.  
Jeffrey has assaulted me twice, he has verbally, physically, emotionally and psychologically abused me. He asked his father to ring my mental health clinic to say I am "behaving erratically" just before my appointment. He has lied to the judge. He has lied to guards about me. He has broken my protection order twice. Then he says he loves me!!!?????  
A guard took my statement when it was my birthday and Jeffrey texted me and said he got a protection order and sent me an image of it was so kind. He was understanding "Don't be ashamed about being beaten by another man" he said to me. Not the normal bullying most people talk about, really serious bullying he said to me. Even in my hour of need the guard felt secure in telling me about his pain. He knew he could trust me to do so that he knew I am a good kind person and would keep his confiding in me just with me and I would tell nobody. I think he must have become a guard to protect others from harm. He was really into his job. A really fine guard. He had been put in charge of my case. At one point he looked at me and said the only thing that is good about this is that I know I have to leave. Many abuse victims won't leave their abuser he said. He looked me in the eye and said you know you have many years ahead of you and you don't need to stay miserable like this. He was absolutely right. But you know sometimes I do want to be with Jeffrey and be miserable. I still love him. But I am not stupid enough to spend the rest of my life with him. The day after Jeffrey got his protection order I knew I was going to be in serious trouble in the morning. Jeffreys new method was to argue and shout at me just after I got up. I had my breakfast sitting on my bed in the spare room twice. I turned on the recorder on my phone. I wanted the guard to hear the hell I was putting up with from a lire who dared to lie to the judge in family court AND the guards. I have respect for the Irish justice system. It has its faults but it's certainly better than nothing morning his arguing was ferocious. But this time he used his protection order against me. If I raised my voice, he threatened to call the guards as he was frightened. He mixed that up with 'in fear' i.e. you feel terrified of the person you might fear for your life or if the abuser makes violent threats. The argument went on and on. Unfortunately, Jeffrey found out I made the recording but I kept my phone with me so he never got it. That evening I said I was meeting a friend for a drink. I went to talk to the guard. He played the tape. It all sounded so horrible on my phone. He looked very sad himself. He said you really don't know what goes on behind closed doors. A colleague walked by and asked him was he OK. The guard just said all was fine he was just listening to something. So much shouting from Jeffrey, such anger. I didn't put it on for the recording, you could hear my typical protestations to Jeffrey to leave me alone, yet Jeffrey would persist regardless. Telling Jeffrey to stop just made Jeffrey get louder and even more angry.

I didn't cry in front of the guard the night of my birthday. I had serious business to do that night I had to stay sane and make sure the guard realised what a serious situation I was in. The garda looked so sad and God knows as a guard he had probably seen horrendous stuff and met really nasty people. The recording made me realise how badly I was being treated for no reason. I did nothing wrong to Jeffrey. I cried for maybe a few seconds. Tears streamed down my face as I looked away from the guard, ashamed to cry in front of him. I couldn't believe how badly treated I was. The guard tipped me quickly on the shoulder "Okay, okay now" It wasn't okay. But he acknowledged my pain. I was and will forever remember his kindness. During two days of hell when Jeffrey got his protection order by lying this guard knew the pain I was suffering. He listened and understood. I hope he goes far in his career. But I think the higher echelons of the garda ranks would not interest this guard. He is one of those people the world cries out for help to. One of those people that clear up the mess of these pathetic scared egotistical idiots that feel the need to dominate others. People like my partner. Cowardly thugs that pick on people weaker than them. Those who beat, rape, kill, torture, bully, or abuse. He is a voice for those who have been dominated because in his own lifetime he had suffered that way too. Any suffering souls abused by cowards like Jeffrey that guard will be there to help them, he'll know all the right things to say.

A friend was talking to me today on the phone. Yes, luckily, I haven't been isolated as much as most domestic abuse victims. I asked my friend why he thought Jeffrey did this. You see now that Jeffrey has left the house for two weeks now, I am trying to unravel what's happened. And amazingly I have a tiny amount of understanding. My friend said Jeffrey did it because he didn't expect me to fight back. He said this is probably all a big shock to Jeffrey. So just because I'm nice as the girl in Amen said Jeffrey thought he could move to completely dominate me. That girl told me straight away I needed to get a protection order as soon as possible because I was in serious danger. I worked in Aware as a volunteer. If a person in a certain situation rings up, you are taught when you need to do this for people with serious emotional issues. You tell the caller immediately what to do because the person could deteriorate that day or in the following days. This supporter in Amen had identified me through her training as someone in serious danger. So, when she told me so quickly what to do I knew she knew what she was talking about and she was giving her advice as a matter of urgency. I followed her advice which has helped, and I am still to follow the rest. To go to Family Court and obtain a safety order. Then I'll try to leave Jeffrey somehow if I manage to get a Safety order so that I will be safe.

I hear so often Jeffrey is the dominant one. He hasn't managed to dominate me completely. I have my mam and another friend who help. People know I am a nice person and I think on a very deep level they know I am in trouble and so many people are helping me, not just with this abuse, just with small things that matter. Like a stranger having a quick chat with me even though I didn't start talking to them and for a few moments my heart which at times is so full of pain feels a little less pain if only for a few seconds. Yesterday a shop assistant sang a Christmas song to me and I was just buying a bottle of water!

Jeffrey cannot touch my spirit it is not accessible to him. He might think he has all of me, that he owns me, my body and my mind. He said to me one evening "You are mine", but not my spirit. Not the boundless resources of the hope and the strength I have within me. I may sound religious. I assure you I am not. I have not been to mass since I was 13. I'm 42 now. I'm a gay man still shunned by the church no matter how the new Pope pretends otherwise. Whenever I end up in a church like a funeral or a wedding I am overwhelmed by a feeling of distance and indifference to the Catholic Church. My faith goes deeper than the petty trivialities and bias of any religion. I am a male domestic abuse victim. Most people think domestic abuse victims are women. So, it's not easy for me to talk about all this. I am faced with a man who terrifies me, someone I thought I knew for 11 years, who has assaulted me twice this year, has lied to a judge and the guards about me and then tells me after doing all that to me he loves me!!!!???? I have focused within for strength. There is always a calmness there inside and a Great Power that helps me if I can remember to access it during the storms of Jeffrey`s abuse. He can never take that power away from me. Even he with his brutish force he exercises on my mind and body hasn't got the power to do that

That Power within me will free me. I am not sure if that will be freedom through death or if I am meant to live longer and to be free from Jeffrey.

It's like receiving a beautifully wrapped present. You open up the present with excellent. It turns out to be a bomb that blows up in your face maiming you for life. But you don't even have time to feel the horror or surprise because the bomb has already blown up in your face and you never knew what was truly in the box. You don't think you can ever forgive yourself for opening the it. You dearly wish you had never even received what looked like a present in the first place. But when the bomb blows up in your face it's too late for any of that thinking.

I still think I am getting Jeffrey all wrong at the moment. As he told me a few times maybe my bipolar is affecting how I perceive him, he told the judge that in Family Court. Sometimes I think maybe that's true. My psychiatrist told me I am stable. In fact, she told me it is amazing how I am managing to continuously to protect myself in the face of all this aggression. My mother and people that know me say my mental health is fine. How I know Jeffrey is an abuser is because of the huge change of personality toward me. He doesn't care about me he really doesn't. The anger I see in his face and his eyes I have never seen before. He always had an angry undercurrent now that I think of it but only in 2009 did he show this kind of anger and even then not all year and so often. Now that he has been like this for a year I know this is the real personality which is always consistent in his abuse pattern and his manipulation. Now that I think of it he always had an extremely bad temper from time to time but he always made excuses that I believed like new medication and increase in neds a decrease in meds travelling by plane didn't suit him because of crossing of time zones he's sick and other excuses. Nothing wrong with him this year. But he doesn't even make excuses any-more.

He's just decided to be angry nearly all the time, just pure naked angry and abusive. He's just showed his true colours unashamedly with no excuses and is getting away with being abusive while blaming it all on me. That is why I'm looking forward to going to court. Because I'll have a chance that others will see Jeffrey for what he really is ; an abuser. All I have to do is tell the truth while Jeffrey will have to remember his various webs of lies. I will appear as a reasonable person because I am reasonable not matter how crazy he claims I am how mental is trying to make me.

16th December

I just cried 4 times today and it's only 5.00 pm. I decided to go to the gym. It's as  
if I've swallowed something to eat and it's a little too big and I start to cough a little to stop this thing for getting stuck in my throat in case it chokes me to death. When I cry I kind of bend over and I notice I'm heaving out deeply and out hard. I'm breathing deeply and then practically chocking as tears roll down my cheeks and nose, sliding down my mouth and dripping onto whatever surface I am standing by. I can be just putting down the kettle and I break down crying. But it feels like my very body itself is trying to eject the harm Jeffrey has done my mind and my heart. That even my body has identified these thoughts and feelings Jeffrey infected me with and that they could be a threat to my organism, my own body. That my body needs to get rid of the effects of these thoughts and feelings THAT ARE NOT MINE yet persist in making me believe they are and then Jeffreys cruelty will have had some success, that most of this is my fault because of things I did. I DID NOTHING WRONG and yet Jeffrey insists on saying "We must build up trust between each other" still blaming me!!!!!. Right now before the court date I must ensure that I resist these thoughts that he says to me even now and are already put in my head by him. That I am innocent of all of his accusations and I even put that in my statement to the guards. Just as well in case I might forget. It's there written on paper in the Garda Station when I felt surer of myself and more competent in the tasks that I knew would face me in the future.  
So Jeffrey has not just assaulted me physically he has assaulted my mind. And I feel like even my body is trying to eject all this poison in my heart and mind like it tries to get rid of an infection by sweating. At least my mind and body, possibly not my heart, are united in trying to figure out how to deal with this serious threat Jeffrey poses to me. In other words, I am in no doubt I must be careful on the future in as much as I can be. I am not tripping myself up with depression, anxiety or any of that. I can't afford to have those self-destructive feelings. My body and mind is concentrating on survival, even if my heart chooses to believe that none of this is true. Jeffrey loves me my heart says, and I will be so lonely without him. Then I am scared for my life when I think of what he has done things I never thought he would be capable of

My mother one day said abusing a person she said but someone abusing you with the severe bipolar you have is being really reckless and irresponsible towards me. But isn't that part of the abuse. He thinks I'll make it easier for him because I'll cave in. No to that.  
But something I have noticed nobody has told me I'm going to be OK. Only the guard said that, I didn't believe it when he said. Nobody has told me this is going to be alright in the end. Because they know I am in serious trouble. Dear God and Archangel Michael, please continue to keep me safe. Don't let me make any mistakes and help me to be brave and not to falter in what I must do in the coming weeks.

21st December Events

The nurse rang me to say Jeffreys solicitor sent them a letter about my mental health and "body building" supplements. My community nurse offered my psychiatrist to have a word with the two of us together. I refused saying Jeffrey is manipulative. He is the dominant one and my solicitor had advised me not to go into mediation and I was applying that to their offer. So I said no. My nurse went on to say the clinic will cooperate with my solicitor. And I felt sad for the woman because she had told me the clinic was trying to avoid getting legally involved but I suppose now Jeffrey had forced them to as he continues to try to get information, and there is none except I am fine and all the trouble he is causing them so they can protect me.

So I found this out today while I was doing my Christmas shopping. This is the second time he has done this. Up until now I suppose the heart still was winning. I hadn't barred Jeffrey off my phone or from my email because I wanted to make sure he was OK. Today he texts me telling me how he is not OK., how he misses me and loves me and then I find out his solicitor saying I am mentally unwell because I am taking "muscle building" and "body building" supplements. I mean I am fit but I am no Sylvester Stallone!

So finally, I had enough I text him to tell him I would be doing everything the guards, the justice system and my solicitor asks me to do (I had seriously considered not giving evidence at Jeffreys criminal hearing). And I told him I consider him a serious threat to me. I said the next time we will meet will be in court. He was so bitchy in his following texts. The usual, me not paying my way, threats about selling the house or kicking me out of the house. He texts me "you get your name off the deeds and leave".

So finally, my heart admitted that he doesn't care about me anymore. My heart gave my mind and body permission to go full steam ahead. It is all over. Then I was trying to buy jumpers in Next. I didn't have enough money for my two jumpers. The girl was very pleasant about it. I had a little money in my account and took it out to go to a cheap but friendly café that makes good food.

I did a very, very difficult thing today that I had to do and I knew it would upset me but I did not know by so much. Neither did I know the information I was getting would be so hurtful.

I had to get the solicitors letter that Jeffrey`s solicitor sent to the clinic. My solicitor asked me to get it today and I find if I just go and do what I have to do as soon as I can I just do it. It's easier than waiting and thinking too much about it then making what has to be done worse. I thought his solicitor sent a letter to the clinic looking for information about me. I assumed He Who Never Was already had a go by asking his father to complain about me. I went to the clinic and got the letter, cringing even as it was placed in my hands. I knew I was going to hate reading the letter, it was not going to be praising me for sure. I decided to have a sandwich and a cup of tea in a café. I don't normally go to cafes on my own, I never did or pubs, I just don't. I realised though that it was better to get upset reading this letter over a cup of tea than on a bus or on the street. I Ordered a BLT and a pot of tea. I braced myself for opening his solicitor's letter. As I read the words I was horrified, truly horrified.

He had instructed his solicitor, on his behalf, to write a letter to the clinic. This was all the plan of He Who Never Was, not his solicitor!! For a second time he was trying to interfere with my mental health treatment. In summary my mental health was "deteriorating rapidly". Those were the words he always uses written in the solicitor's letter. His solicitor was putting my doctor "on notice of your patient's deterioration" (patients was spelt as patience's. The grammar and spelling of other words were incorrect. The letter was very poorly written for any kind of letter never mind a legal letter. Unprofessional. Cheap, as was on said on their website).

The most annoying sentence was "Our client is extremely concerned for his partner's well-being and sincerely hopes that he would be reviewed and given the appropriate treatment so that his mental health can improve."!!!!!!!! What would he have them do plug me into the national grid and get ECT until I like him again and put me in my place!!! The word partner was sprinkled liberally through the whole letter. How often have I told him we are finished? I have told all the authorities I told him it's over. I just got so angry. This letter was sent to the clinic just a few days before Christmas. I mean what the hell was he planning for me?!! If I had not gone to my clinic a few days after I got the protection order and showed it to them my situation could be quite different.

I sat there, really like a crazy person, giving out to the air to some invisible person really annoyed. Then I had to talk to someone, I rang my friend Alan. He talked me down like he has done before. I said to Alan how dare he put in a solicitor we are partners. I said in exasperation to Alan WE ARE WE NOT TOGETHER ALAN, HOW DARE HE SAY TO MY CLINIC ANY OF THIS CRAP!! THIS IS NOTHING TO DO WITH HIM!!!!! Alan was saying okay. John right just slow down a little, just slow down and think about what he's just done John. He has made things worse. I said I don't know what you mean Alan. My fists were clenched in anger and I was shaking the letter angrily in the air as if I was giving He Who Never Was a good shake. OK, OK., now just think John. He has lied to everybody else now he has lied to your clinic. ALAN HE HAD NO BLOODY RIGHT, NO RIGHT, LITERALLY! OK John now just slows down, think! Now he has lied to absolutely everyone. He is telling so many lies to so many people. He has just told your doctor he does not know you're mentally unwell and your doctor is not giving you the right treatment. He told the guards how to do their job now he told your clinic. I relaxed a little I said OK. Alan, this is not a good move by him. No John it's not he keeps telling professional people what to do. John everyone knows you are doing great where many would be falling apart. All the judge has to do is see all that you have done, all the steps you have taken all the people you talked to to protect yourself. The judge will know you're doing great lad!! OK Alan I have more of a grip on it now. I just don't like him telling all these lies about me to so many people, I am an honourable man Alan. John you have been in the past very mentally unwell, you were never ever violent. John he has no proof about supplements. He is not naming anything. I said well Alan I have planned this from the very start and what my mother said was John you will corner him eventually like a cornered rat, and you know a cornered rat is dangerous they bite back. I said yes that is so true, but you have him cornered John that's my point! and the more he struggles to regain control of you the more he is digging a deeper hole for himself. Yes Alan, ye I understand that. My voice had slowed down, I stopped having a fit of anger in public! OK now John I hear you're feeling a bit better. Ye Alan OK. Ill let ye go, I just got really, really, really, angry. I had to talk to someone. OK lad I am really glad you did; you should never feel like that and not talk to someone. OK I'll go now. Alright? Ye OK. see ye Alan, thanks, I said. I was talking to my friend that long my sandwich was stone cold. I got it heated up and then went home. As if that letter would be anything else but extremely hurtful.

This evening I cooked myself a huge amount of chicken drumsticks with peppers and coconut milk. He never liked coconut milk. Enough for 2 meals. Lovely dinner! Then I watched a comedy he didn't like and a film he wouldn't have watched. I was feeling a certain kind of liberty and freedom, doing things when I wanted, as I wanted, how I wanted. Like the old days before I met him!!! So all that happened and then I was watching a film. I started thinking about my sex life with He Who Never Was. I know everything he did was to make him appear as I wanted him to. With sex though I know that was real. He really fancied me and I am very good looking, fellas and girls always fancied me, even now.

In the domestic abuser victim paradigm when the abuser is doing all this kind of stuff, they do not want you to leave. I reject his idea of love which is just domination but to the abuser they are working against you to keep you! It all makes sense to them, not you though. We had such passion. So many different positions. He would nearly eat me alive he found me so attractive which he still does. I was thinking of all the different sex we had over and over. I actually wanked at one point when I thought of the sex we had. I never said to him let's make love, always let's have sex because it still, 11 years later, felt like our first time we had sex together. I know that is true for us the good sex life and our attraction to each other. That much was true, probably nothing else. The fact that I got turned on and climaxed and he after writing that letter and all the horrible things he instructed his solicitor to say indicates to me however I still have a lot of work to do on myself. You see I am unusual for a fella. Sex to me can happen only when I trust the person and, maybe not love, but at least like who they are as a person. I have never had a one-night stand for that reason. I never just put it in whatever hole I could find!! I like a certain amount of quality. The sex that we once had will never be again because even though it was probably the only true interaction, he had with me I do not trust him or like him so that will never happen again. But a part of my brain and mind, the more primitive part, misses the sex. I can be a very sexual person but I can also turn that tap off altogether by choice.

The film I put on was Great Expectations the modern version. I always believed for many years every single choice we can make has only 2 outcomes when it comes to failure. If you fail, well if you do not get what you want which in time you will probably find you were better off not getting it, you can either become bitter and angry forever about it or you can simply accept and move on. For me it is that simple. There's a lot of emotions and hopes involved but really you can be angry about it forever and let it eat you up inside or simply say OK. I didn't get that or that didn't work, something else will come along maybe something even better. I felt this evening that I needed to remember this. I don't want to become bitter over the end of this relationship. If I do he will really have done me severe damage. I spear through the heart and I would be as cold as the Ice Queen in Narnia for the rest of my life. No I cannot let that happen. People like me because I like them that's how my life usually works. Miss Havisham forever mourns her dead relationship, that was not real. She was wealthy and her husband to be gets her to give nearly all her money to his half brother to fund a factory. She agrees but he is twisted. He takes her money and on her wedding day sends a letter saying he will not marry her all he wanted was her money. He also wanted to break her heart and he did it well. She screams and roars, the wedding is over, everyone runs out of the mansion. She sits in her wedding dress, everything including the cake on the table, all the curtains are closed. She stays like this, everything rots on the table, there is dust on her wedding dress and she continues like this for the rest of her life. She ends up burning alive in her ancient old wedding dress. That is the important part of the story for me. I had a boyfriend before he that never was. This other lover eventually picked on my mental health too. He Who Never Was promised he would never ever do that!! He did. More lies.

I have been reading this book its called The Impersonal Life by Joseph Brenner. I started reading it when I had really bad asthma about 1 and a half years ago when I could barely breath. Great book, it's about spirituality and I suppose a bit of religion. I have read the book over and over again since. It makes me feel positive and ties into the archangel stuff. He writes a lot about God too, in such a nice way. The book has made sense of all my life experience and continues to do so. There is this idea in the book that essentially there is spirit and body in a person and that's it. A person needs to develop their spirit, their ego that is concerned with physical survival and satisfaction must be subdued and used for the purposes of the spirit. The body must become ready for use by the God within. Then a lot of really good things come into a person's life. Yesterday evening this weird thought came into my mind it was "Do not fear that which is made of dust". What I felt it was about was that he that never was is like dust. He is only controlled by his physical ego and body not spirit. Spirit is power, love, freedom, truth and eternal. The ego is selfish, it is physical only concerned with its own satisfaction and dies with the physical body and becomes dust. Today that sentence went around my head, apart from in the café when I was so angry. It ties in so well about He Who Never Was. He is an appearance, a mirage, an illusion. Dust!!! When I say to myself do not be afraid of he who is dust it sums the whole debacle up.

He is a con and a fake trying to control me. Now very many people know that beyond a doubt and so I am safer than I been for months. Others can see the good in me and are doing as much as they can to protect me and give me back my freedom. I am real he is an illusion; he is dust! His world is starting to crumble to dust too and I am only getting started! When I think that way I feel a lot better!!!

My mother rang me to tell me the nurse rang to ask her if she thought I was OK. Yes she said. I told my mam that Jeffrey`s solicitor sent a letter saying I had poor mental health. I was walking down the street beside the River Liffey. At that point a stood in a filthy doorway and I just cried and sobbed down the phone. The second time I did this to my poor mam. I told her I never felt in such serious danger in my life. That I am scared and I don't know what to do and Jeffrey is posing a threat even to my life. I was crying and some people glanced at me with a concerned look. But some people think it's only alcoholics and druggies cry in doorways. I am neither, I suppose sometimes people just have enough and it really doesn't matter where they fall in a heap it happens where it happens. I have done that before but usually in dismay, not from fear of my life. I felt like a rabbit being chased by men on horseback and a whole load of hunting dogs. No matter what I do Jeffrey goes to a new low, a deeper level of depravity. My mam kept saying do I want to come live with her. I said the guards are 15 minutes from where I live and they will stop Jeffrey if there are any problems. I will be better off at my home than anywhere else.

I kept sobbing in the doorway, a few days before Christmas, while people rushed by on their way to or from work or people doing their Christmas shopping and all the while my beautiful relationship and my beautiful life was disintegrating.

I did realise though that I am still alive, I am still healthy and the people that love me and so many professionals were not giving up on me so I should not give up. Like my mam said at the beginning of all this. I have to be strong and if I cannot be strong everything will be so much worse for me. So I slowed down the crying. Again my mam said did I want to live with her, well I have written about that. It would not make anything better. He would just find other ways to torture me. My mam was surprised I was still in touch with him.

I finally made the decision in a dirty doorway on a street beside the Liffey our relationship was over. I would stop all communication with Jeffrey at least in so far as I could. I went to the nice café a five minute walk from Family Court. For some reason the place relaxes me. It's like a small country café with friendly staff and good food in the middle of a city and a bit of sanity from the madness of Family Court.

I rang my mobile phone company and got Jeffreys number blocked. I went on chat. It's funny how we value mobiles so much. People constantly text, email, ring people and all the other things that can be done with phones. Almost as if it's a lifeline to society and to your friends and loved ones. You can always be in touch. When the chat had finished my heart seemed to physically pause for a moment and then started beating again. Jeffrey, who has often felt my beating heart, his hand almost touching it as he felt it beating in my chest, was not wanted any-more by my heart. Within a short online chat and blocking the connection of the phone the symbolic heart connection I had with Jeffrey was severed. I was battening down the hatches in preparation for the coming storm.

My heart didn't feel love for him any-more. It felt fear, terror. And I knew that Jeffrey certainly did not love me, or he would not be being so horrible and nasty. I went home and blocked Jeffrey from my email too. Well I diverted his email from my inbox and to go straight to archive. So, Jeffrey`s incoming email I wouldn't see it. It would just be 'archived', information stored until retrieval was desired, like our relationship soon to be analysed and cut and diced to see who is guilty and who is innocent. The same amount of information twisted to make the other right or wrong.

While I fell apart emotionally briefly on the streets of Dublin it was in fact a good day. My heart had been betrayed once again by Jeffrey and once and for all I decided that I will be seen as the innocent one because I am. That I will testify against Jeffrey if the guards ask. That I will do everything I need to do to get that safety order. And if he ends up with a jail sentence well then that will be his problem.

My mam was very worried about me on the phone and called over to me that night. She was surprised I was still in touch with him and that I could even conceive of there ever being a relationship in the future. She was glad I was more in control when she came to my house.

I told her of my new resolve, if you like the perfect alignment of heart mind body and soul. The recipe that always spells success for me. I did raise my voice a couple of times to her which I was sorry about. But I did not raise my voice in anger. I raised my voice because deep within me the lion that was asleep began to roar, energy was firing up within me that was the force of my determination to do whatever I needed to do to protect myself in the future. I wasn't scared of Jeffreys smokes and mirrors of love in one hand and abuse in the other, using one or the other on me to manipulate me. To "Punish" or to "Love" me. Which are really just different sides of the stick he wants to beat me back into place with. I know the truth now. Every single aspect of my being knows the truth. Today all of me is united and once my heart, mind spirit and body work together I get what I want. Jeffrey better watch out because there is a BIG storm coming his way, more like a tornado!

2016 Christmas Day

I have spent Christmas Eve on my own. It was not as bad as I thought. Jeffrey has left home for a month now and even though he is gone I can still remember that vicious shouting and roaring he did. The volley of insults he threw verbally at me from his filthy mouth. I can almost hear the echoes of all that terrible noise and rumpus he made. I know they do not exist right now, just memories, like waking night terrors. When I am sitting in the sitting room, I relive the assault there, that he told the guards was only a scuffle and told the judge was a violent situation where I had him in a strangle hold.

I am ready to sell the place. Jeffrey wants me just to take my name off the deeds so he can take the house and essentially kick me out. Hopefully I can find some way to sell it and then I will be ready to leave here. Start afresh and I don't think it will be so awful. I am enjoying my freedom alone here at the moment, even on Christmas morning. I will be spending Christmas in the afternoon with my mam. She is collecting me around two o`clock. I like that sense of independence that I always had years ago. Now that I am a few weeks living here on my own I can feel that coming back. I do not want to be smothered by Jeffrey`s insecurities any-more, well, whoever he was or was not. What I mean is I don't mind living by myself there is a certain freedom in it. I was watching a horror DVD. I was surprised how much the film did not scare me. But then again I have had to get used to terror as part of my life. Dealing with the terror of a demon I would imagine would not be much worse than dealing with Jeffrey. The demon in the film hardly bothered me in comparison to Jeffrey`s behaviour.

I think this Christmas I have been given what I have wanted for so long, peace. Quietness, no more shouting, not having to run out of the house to escape Jeffrey`s "Punishment", to write for as long as I want when I want, to watch the programs I want to watch. But most of all, peace. To think more clearly and begin to lose the thoughts he was inserting into my mind. It's funny but in the quietness I can almost feel my brain unravel. So much less tension. Such wonderful peace. Thank you God for the perfect Christmas gift of peace to me. I am going to try to not think about Jeffrey for the rest of the day I am going to my mam's soon.

Just that a strange thing happened this morning. I was half asleep and I must have still been dreaming. My neighbours were getting ready to go somewhere. I heard their car doors slamming. Then I thought Jeffrey was in the house. I thought he came into the spare room and gave me a quick hug. Then as he was leaving, I said Happy Christmas and he ignored me and did not say Happy Christmas. He drove at speed away from the house and drove down the road angry about God knows what.

That is how it was. He would be nice and 'loving' then soon after for no reason is furiously when I did turn it my phone on Christmas Day, he had used social media to contact me via my email. I have no idea how he did it. But again he tried to upset me. He sent an image of us on a Christmas holiday with a title "Thinking of the lovely Christmases we had over the years" and I just deleted it instantly. But it worked I did feel nostalgia for some nice Christmases we had and felt sad. Sad because we could never be like that in the future because there was no real relationship. I was living with someone I thought existed but did not, he only behaved in a way he knew I would like until he had enough information to pounce on me and tries to entrap me. So my feeling of nostalgia was only brief because I have already learned my lesson and would not be fooled by him again. I really do not like the fact that I keep telling him not to contact me and he finds a way to do it. He is nowhere near me and can still really upset me. He knows exactly what he is doing. He knows how to hurt me and that is his only objective. His last text he sent me before I blocked his number shows he doesn't give a damn about me "Take your name off the deeds and leave." and it was almost Christmas day. Says a lot about him.

I do at this stage feel harassed by Jeffrey. I need my phone to communicate with friends and family, and to do other things with my writing. It is not feasible to have my phone turned off for so long. Yet I have to do that now if I am to be sure to have a relaxing evening. He may also find a way to communicate with me via my lap top through my website for example. That really does annoy me. Yet if I don't turn of my phone I run the risk of him finding some way to communicate with me.

New Years Eve

It is New Year's Eve, 2 minutes to 2017. I will be in Family Court 20th January to obtain a safety order with my abuser. My abuser obtained a protection order from a judge on my birthday, then text me an image of it. At the beginning of 2017 I am sitting here very aware that I am facing the toughest year I have or will experience. I have had some really tough years but this year will beat them all. I know Jeffrey will try to communicate with me tonight or tomorrow like he did on Christmas Day so I have had to turn off my mobile completely or leave it in air-plane mode. I am not going to let him put me in tears again. So, no texting Happy New Year, I suppose I don't have a lot of people to wish Happy New Year to anyway. I had so many friends before Jeffrey now hardly any. I listened to all poisonous words he said against them.

My mother rang and asked me did I want to spend New Year with her. She said she knew it was going to be a difficult night for me. I said no thanks, I was going to sit in front of a DVD pretending it's not happening. I was not even going to look at the fireworks on telly. I was saying I was not looking forward to January 20th. I will have to do things I never thought I would have to do. Mam said well that is not happening yet. I do not have to do anything legal for a few weeks. I reminded her I will be seeing a solicitor on 3rd of January to get advice on what to do with the house etc. Oh yes, I had forgotten about that she said. I told her I was not looking forward to going to court to testify against Jeffrey for possibly breaking my protection order sometime next year. The guards could ask me and my solicitor told me I should go if I am asked. My mother said he is not a criminal. I told her the guards think so or they would not be trying him in court, it's a criminal offence to break a protection order. She paused on the phone and said she meant in the sense of ISIS he is not a criminal. I had no idea what she meant. He made me a hostage in my own home. I said to her do you realise mam that Jeffrey poses a threat to my life!! Messing with my medication!!!??? She said simply and honestly "Yes I know." Then I raised my voice a little in worry and said to her what if the judge says I have to stop taking my orange inhaler. She raised her voice a little worried too and she said a judge is not going to overrule a doctor's treatment, that's

your bloody medication that works!! I didn't know whether a judge could or couldn't I would have to find out. I just said to mam that because Jeffrey will most likely try to get in touch with me I will be turning the phone off this evening and tomorrow. She agreed that was a very good idea, yes he probably would and it's not worth the risk being in touch with him he upsets me too much. She said well you get in touch with me then. Are you sure you don't want to come over she asked. I said no mam I have to pretend the New Year is not coming, just for tonight. OK by then and I said thanks anyway bye mam.

2017

It's now just turned 2017 at 1.00 am and I am sitting here in front of my lap top crying. It's hard to believe my life is at risk from someone who professed their love for me for 11 years. Even now he says he loves me and he could kill me!!! A possible 3 court cases that I have to do this year, my safety order, selling the house, and testifying in Jeffrey`s prosecution. He really will definitely be prosecuted too because when Garda White is my witness for my safety court hearing he will hear all the details of allegations against me and the case made by his solicitor and Garda White will know all of case and An Garda Síochána will plan a response accordingly. Garda White is the man who sees patterns in what is said and what is done and patterns that do not make sense and pattern's that makes sense as he said to me. That was why the Sergeant gave him my case to investigate. People make patterns he said. I can see him listening intently to every word that is being said like an eagle assessing its prey. Is that not what they say "The hunter becomes the hunted"? My abuser, that hunted me now being hunted by the guards. Even before the information gets to the DPP Garda White will definitely have a very good idea of what should be done in court. I wish none of this was happening.

I couldn't sleep last night until around 5 am. I did have 2 cans of beer because it was New Year's so I did not really sleep. But more than that I became so aware of what I have to do. Possibly 3 court dates. The safety order, being a witness against Jeffrey in Criminal court and also maybe dealing with the house. I did cry again last night twice when I went to bed. I cried this morning too. But I know that if all this were not happening, I would be in a much worse position. I can't think about how terrible that would be. If Jeffrey had been right that nobody would listen and nobody would help. I know I am far from being out of the woods yet. I know he can still fool judges with his lies and trickery. I know he is still in my life, he has just left the house for a while. I know he is still a grave threat to me. The best I can do is telling the truth and see how that works out. So really the crying just leaves out my tension. I would be much more worried if I weren't crying. It's necessary though. The amount of pain I feel inside my heart and my mind seems to threaten to break me open, that I might at some point soon self-destruct and blow up into tiny pieces. So crying is preferable.

Today I said to myself I can sit in the house on New Year 's Day and cry or I can try and enjoy myself. I looked outside and it was a sunny day. I decided to go for a walk up the canal. I enjoyed it. I am not worried about doing things on my own. I think he always assumed I was dependent on him. In truth I let him come along for the ride. I let him do things that he could do. But none of it was to do with dependence. He wanted to be useful so I let him. I can do loads of things for myself. He perceived I was dependent on him. Others did too, even my mother. That terrifying day on holiday when he assaulted me I did ponder that I may have to leave him at some stage. That did not frighten me. What terrified me was that I might settle to live with a fake, a fraud, a thug and a tyrant. That day I said I would not do that. And I will not, I would rather let him kill me then live a life of a slow death. The death of who I am into whatever it is he wants me to be. I think that when I found that writing books is what I am meant to do and right from the start I am doing OK. he didn't like that. He felt threatened. So he does not want me to grow and to develop. Well that's too bad because I love writing. I will make it work somehow so I can make money. If I did not have my writing and the possibility of making money from books I write I would be very worried about my future finances. This is what often happens to abuse victims. They have disabilities or no work experience, some reason why they can't support themselves. I don't think I'll have that problem. But first I have to get him out of my life and sell this house, then hopefully everything else will follow.

Does he not know how much I value freedom? I suppose because I was locked up in psychiatric hospitals so often or drugged up at other times that I value free will, to make choices. To be the author of my own life story. Does he not know me enough to realise that there are very few things I have done in my life that I did not want to do? Before this abuse I can't think of anything I did I did not want to do. That a sense of freedom is what I have always had and still want. Does he not know that I will not be forced to stay with him?

That I will not accept this abuse and be a slave to him because I DO NOT WANT TO AND I WILL NOT. His worse mistake is he forgot the strength of my will power. I usually get what I want. I want something very basic. I want freedom.

Since Christmas and today I notice a difference in me. I have some anger in me. I am not at all an angry person. This anger seems to be pressing me on. It is dispelling the fear I have for the future and helping me to become more determined to sort him out and get on with my life. The anger in me says stuff like that he had the audacity to think I would accept him assaulting me. That he thought I would live with him while he assaulted me in the future. That he thought he could meddle with my medication. Determine what medication and other substances I take, that I would be at risk of him murdering me by taking vital medication off me like my inhalers, even my nebular. That time I could not find my mask I am sure he hid it. That he was actually surprised that I would fight back. Today and over Christmas I realise for definite I don't want him in my life. He says he wants me to do couple counselling. When my partner never even existed!!! When I have been in a relationship with a fake person who was pretending to be who I wanted him to be. Oh I don't think a couple counsellors could sort out all that!!! He doesn't take any responsibility for anything, just as the woman in Women's aid said. It's my entire fault he went to jail because I pressed charges. The fact that I have to put all my medication in a safe says enough about him. That he is messing with my life and to make sure I say that in court. Women's aid helpline is very straight talking. I suppose they have to a lot of domestic abuse is about life and death.

Yes my New Year's resolution is to get that loser the hell out of my life. It doesn't matter what he says or does. I don't want him any-more.

2nd January

I had a whole load of funny ideas today and this evening. I was thinking briefly this evening about me and my mam and a conversation we had walking through Donadea Forest in Kildare. Myself and him used to go there walking. But me and my mam walked there first for years. Even when him and me were together walking in Donadea. I never told him but it was as if he should not be there. This was my place, because I had been there with my mother for walks since I was 18. In time I just said we would walk in other places. The association with him and me was weak in Donadae. In other words I could walk in that forest without thinking of him. This forest was always for my thoughts not his. That was all nice too. Anyway my mam was talking about a saint called Padre Pio. This was, I'm not sure, possibly an Italian priest who had stigmata. He was supposed to be blessed by God because he bore the crucifixion marks of Jesus. Millions of people have testified of his presence and protection in their lives, my mam is one of them. She will openly say and she doesn't care what people think Padre Pio did this for her or that. Who's to say?

I certainly can't judge her. I was frank with her. I told my mother, as I had so often, that I am protected. Something does not want me to suffer and will make sure I will be safe I always have told her since August. But since she was talking about her beliefs, I wanted to mention mine. This time she asked me Who John, Who do you think it is? You used to say it was your granddad was with you and yes it seemed to be so. I told her she wouldn't believe me if I told her.

My mam persisted, with interest not with judgement, is it an angel John? You know that is not so unusual! I suppose I am so used to keeping my beliefs to myself, and people in general will say I'm hallucinating, I didn't say and changed the subject. It is nice though that my mam believes in this stuff and she believes my experiences are true too.

I heard her say to her friends on the phone at times that John has a connection to her father, that he is often with John. And to all intents and purposes my mother is one of the most practical people you would ever meet!! Still, the intensity of the other world if you like is too much for me to talk about. I have to live in this material world. I cannot open up the door to the spiritual world too much or too quickly. I cannot use spoken words to describe it because that world becomes too real and then I confuse it with this material world and then I get into serious trouble with my mental health. My brain cannot figure out what is physically real and not real. That's not good!

This evening though I had a really nice feeling. The angel I would not talk about, my mam was right a little bit, is Archangel Michael. Ever since I smashed my leg in 2009 and the abuse that man rained down on me for the whole year. He was more concerned about how he felt than me, I would think of Archangel Michael. I learned about him in books. Ever since then I know he has been my guide. I just know. I was in two car crashes, I learned to walk after I smashed my leg. I was safe on that horrible holiday in May. The thoughts I have of Michael when I think of him when I am in trouble calm me down. Every single time. Even more he tells me what to do or he tells others to tell me what to do. I always end up safe and unharmed. Since 2009 if I am worried or frightened, I think of him, dwell on what I know about him, ask him what should I do and I always end up safe. The massive threat this man poses to me, with his violence and his lies and yet I am still not harmed. I have done everything Michael has told me to do and I am safe still.

Tonight I heard his voice in my mind. Archangel Michael said to me "I told you we would keep you safe. We have kept you safe and we will continue to keep you safe. We are protecting you because in time you will help so very many people. You will reach them and help them through your books. You have so many books to write so you will be here for a long time. So, you will not be harmed and you will not die. You know we are with you. You are still alive and well despite everything. You are protected. We will keep you safe from him and safe from anyone else" Then I got this feeling, that I still have tonight, of being surrounded by a shield. I have not been worried since. I got the same feeling on Christmas Eve. Now, for the first time since May 2016 I know I will be safe. I know I will live.

The other thing I was thinking about was my partner, or as I like to think, He Who Never Was. I was thinking of a person standing in front of a mirror. You see the person and you see the mirror image. He That Never Was made me fall in love with the mirror image, not him the person, him the illusion.

What I have to do now is think of all of this as the death of the illusion, the passing away of He Who Never Was. That mirror image was effectively smashed by He Who Never Was leaving him, the real person standing there, the violent lying poor excuse for a man and my abuser fully revealing himself to me. The smashing of the fake image and the illusion disappearing is the death of that illusion of a person that no longer exists, never did exist. Now there is only the revealing or the birth of the abuser within the same body. That abuser I must now treat as a stranger, someone I do not know. A violent dangerous stranger and just like I would defend myself from a violent stranger I will protect myself from this violent abuser. He wants to keep me like an object or failing that annihilates me. I cannot go by how I felt about He Who Never Was, this is a dangerous stranger. Because I will not give myself to him as his property, he will move to annihilate me. That is crystal clear to me. He lied to the judge, lied to the guards, tried to influence my mental health treatment, and assaulted me twice. He is only not living here the past 4 weeks because he knows I will use my protection order when I need to.

He knows now he can't have me so he will try to annihilate me. The only way I can deal with that is to annihilate him. To do that I will do everything my solicitor, the guards and the justice system ask me to do. If he ends up in prison for a few months great!!!

I have not really understood why I don't use my partners name in these notes only he/him/he that never was but today I understand. If I don't use his name he becomes impersonal to me. If I don't use his name for the abuser that I must deal with now, then I break the connection that I had with He Who Never Was. That name has associations with events, emotions, fears, pleasures. If I do not use the same name for this 'thing' that is my abuser I will see him as someone else, a person that I could not even be bothered calling him by a name. Because I do not know him, this person is a stranger. I will not give him a name. I will not give him the features of He Who Never Was either. I don't care about his job, his fears, his anxieties, and his family, any of those details. I don't care about anything about this violent stranger. If I saw this stranger on the street doing what this stranger has done to me I would run or defend myself. I would not stand there in a dark alley with him asking him did he enjoy Christmas!!! So I will minimise this abuser. I will not give him any of the human characteristics of He Who Never Was, that illusion is no more. I will give him no recognition or pretence that I know him, because I don't know him. I will annihilate this stranger because he is in the process of trying his hardest to annihilate me. I will win. He is just a robot to me from now on

My Thoughts a Week before 20th January 2017 Safety Order Application

It's funny how I have moved from thoughts of love for He Who Never Was and at the same time a love for myself thus getting a protection order to be able to work on my relationship while having some sort of protection. Only to realise that He Who Never Was never had any intention of making me happy in our relationship.

I did not now the mechanics of his thinking of a robotic nature. Find the resource, keep it, bleed it dry, control it and imprison the person either mentally or physically so they never escape. I did not know that is who I was dealing with, that is who was behind the mask. A small anxious nervous little man who needs to control others in order to gain their admiration and whatever else their source has to offer. Just to flatter themselves and to feel powerful. To be further enhanced in terms of the desirability of their prey to them while squeezing the life out of those they profess to love. Love is only a word in their vocabulary because the meaning that matches the world love to them means control. A desire to keep their source, their victim.

All this to hide a scared little man desperately trying to control a world that cannot be controlled, his victim giving him a modicum of control to prevent him falling into the abyss of madness from failing to comprehend that the world and the people in it have a will and a life all of their own.

I have entered a new phase now where I see He Who Never Was as not a he. Not a person but really a robot. A terminator type robot but that is too strong a comparison because the malignant narcissist is motivated by fear. A terminator is fearless. I used to see He Who Never Was as a stranger, now barely human. To me not human at all despite the protestations of psychiatric studies. It's pathology apparently. I do not see the compassion; there is no real love (only what they can extract from a person). There is a need to control over all else. I am sorry but I do not see the humanity in He Who Never Was. I see the person's ego as completely dominating all levels of self. I see no qualities of spirit in the abuser – the narcissist. That sentence that came into my head one night "Do not be afraid of that which is made of dust" was so incredibly accurate. He is effectively in my mind made of dust. Take away their determination and success of dominating the person close to them, their grandiose personality, the convivial chit chat and joking, the air of confidence and behind all that there is just fear and even self-loathing of who they are.

In fact, the abuser can be summed up in one word - fear. Their whole world as about controlling to mask their fear from others and even themselves. A denial of who they really are and a projection of the self that is everything they are not. This Friday in court I begin the first steps towards freedom; getting a safety order and hopefully stop him from getting one. From then on I can take off all my chains slowly and one by one. Going to court on Friday I no longer see anything sad about this whole affair. All things going well I will achieve the beginning of a free life.   
In one of my notes I was looking at tonight I read an entry in which I wrote a few months ago there was a conversation between He Who Never Was and me. These two lines regularly gives me strength. Here it is: He Who Never Was "Oh I know how to deal with people like you John!!!" I said "You do not!!! You have idea at all about how to deal with someone like me!!!"

The narcissist, I prefer the term domestic abuser it seems to describe him so well, is hell bent on my destruction. In his mind I am about to destroy him, literally annihilate him. I have exposed him to others despite his best efforts what he is really like. This Friday I will be trying to prove to a court that I need protection because he is an abuser. A malignant narcissist. The cover of the pot under which his true self hides is about to be lifted. The stew of fear, falsity, abuse and lies that bubbles beneath the cover of the shiny spotless pot are about to be seen by others. This is annihilation to him. This all means that he will do his What is keeping me on track is that phrase in my mind "do not be afraid of that which is made of dust". This poor excuse for a man, this mimic, this fake, this rough sketch of a human being is really made of dust. His person, who he is, and pretends to be, has no more substance than dust.

It is a case of if I do not destroy him he will destroy me. If I give him a chance to him will. Because I am threatening to expose him, in his mind. He will fall apart if I do. He does not see me as defending myself or trying to have a fair deal with him with the house for my own economic fairness. No he sees me as having the capability and the will to destroy him. Destruction for him does not have to mean physical death. It also means the death of his fake personality or personalities that will reveal the fear and self-loathing beneath.  
I have moved from trying to fix our relationship to survival mode. I need to take every effective step I can take to protect myself physically, emotionally, psychological, financially, socially. I need to guard everything I am and have. He will take or destroy everything I am or have to stop me, in his eyes, from destroying him. So, there is no more possibility of a relationship. Too much has been done onto me and now too much will be done unto him to so I can save myself.

I am more frightened of my death of my own real personality by his hands which thankfully I decided not to accept. I will continue to persevere to preserve who I am. The real person that I like to be and others like me too. I am not afraid of who I am. But I will fight to stay who I am, given respect and to be given fair treatment. Still, how far away I am from the love I once had for him. But then again my partner's personality never existed. Technically I miss He Who Never Was, not this machine-like creature. I am not destroying my partner. I am dismantling the machine in order to save my own person that exists and is real. I am real. I deserve to live and thrive.

January Court Hearing

Narcissist

Vs

John Dunne

John and I have discussed the details of this event. I have changed names and omitted some details in order to protect the identities of those involved. As I write I will preserve and detail all other aspects.

John's domestic abuser was represented by a barrister. John was represented by a solicitor. Garda White was John`s witness.

John walked into family court flanked very protectively by John's mother at his back and his two friends one on the left of him and the other to his right. John's face was a little red and he walked a little stiffly and tense. As soon as John walked in the door he could see Jeffrey standing with John's brother in the foyer. His brother looked toward John, his mouth opens in O shape on seeing John had four people accompany him to court. Jeffrey`s face was curiously blank, and he was staring at the floor completely emotionless. His left foot was continuously tapping and one of John's hands shook a little. Jeffrey`s brother feigned concern toward John then smiled, they were not even in the courtroom yet and the psychological battle had begun between victim and abuser, the abuser's brother to be more specific. John walked toward the stairs as Jeffrey walked into the elevator. John's solicitor, April, had advised a few weeks ago that if he arrived early he and whoever attended court with him could use one of the spare rooms and stay there until the time for the hearing arrived. Jeffrey did too, he and his brother had taken a room right beside him.

John had convinced himself that he would obtain a safety order, he believed he had a good case. This was really a method he used to ensure that he attend the hearing, not a firm conviction given Jeffrey`s manipulative nature. This was an effort to keep himself motivated. He thought that logically he had no reason to think otherwise although his solicitor cautioned him the outcome would depend on the judge. John knew that Jeffrey had successfully manipulated one judge when he obtained a protection order and was aware it could fool another judge. In order to be able to go ahead with the hearing John just hoped that he would be heard and granted what he was entitled too.

Alan, his wife Mary and John's mother sat beside him in the small room as they waited for to be called to the court room. Suddenly John began to look distant and vulnerable. John sorely wished that this was not the path he had to thread to escape his abuser. He knew he would not have escaped without the use of the law. Jokes were cracked but nobody laughed truly, these were laughs to break the tension of stress, a survival mechanism. John repeatedly thanked his mother and two friends for being with him, that he was never so grateful for human company. April walked in calm and centred, after all the court house was her business. John's mother and two friends walked out of the room to give them privacy, they thanked April for representing John.

April began to inform John of court etiquette. Suddenly John felt the odd sensation of retreating into his mind, the room and the solicitor taking on a dreamlike surreal effect. This is called dissociation which John never experienced before but he became terrified of court. April started clicking her fingers at John to bring him back into the room "Focus now, John focus now!" clicking her fingers at me. John followed her into the courtroom looking like he was a child being led by his mother to school on the first day.

John sat down in the court room. The room was open and bright, not at all what I had perceived when I was in the same room six months ago asking for a protection order. Garda White walked into the room and sat beside John assuming he would be given permission to give evidence since he had been the Investigating Officer of the case. He asked John, after surveying the room with that raven like look, how he was. Not casually, he was very interested. Garda White was much younger than John. Even so when Garda White sat beside John he felt so safe. John knew that if it were not for this man he would be dead, he was sitting beside the man who he owed his life to. Due to the vigilance of the guards Jeffrey was not allowed use his protection order against John to have him imprisoned just like John had said to Garda White he would and attempted to do the second time John called the guards. Certainly the local guards made sure John was kept safe. John analysed the room and the other individuals. He not like the judge's appearance from the little he could see of her, perched at her desk almost as far up as the ceiling. She appeared very grumpy and strict. He saw Jeffrey`s barrister who looked nervous shaking her left foot just like him as if they both needed to excuse themselves to empty their nervous bladders in the toilets. She was moving from one leg to the other and tapping her folder with her pen repeatedly. John's solicitor, well renowned for her work where John lived, stood tall and steady. Both of her feet were planted firmly on the ground. April glanced at John to make sure he was sitting in the right place, at the middle of the room behind her to the left of the seats.

Garda White took off his jacket proudly exposing his Garda uniform. John noticed his blue shirt with navy tie. The Garda symbol with which John had become so familiar with emblazoned on his tie. John had no attraction to this guard but felt a deep respect for him, which the guard evidently had for John. John could see his identity number on both shoulders. John understood this man really wanted to assist him in any way he could. That maybe his efforts were not even because he was a guard but because he liked John as a person. John respected him for being one of the few legal people that were not fooled by Jeffrey He may have been young but he had enough wisdom and professionalism to see through Jeffrey, who is really a predator in the form of a human. Other legal people, older with more training and experience, did not have the wisdom of this man. John often thought he may be lucky enough someday to be able to assist Garda White but he thought how would it possible to give a favour to a man who has performed the ultimate duty a human can do for another which is saving their life? John was not accustomed to people assisting him. He did everything he could in the spirit of being independent. John did too much for Jeffrey as it happened, and he was soon to discover exactly what his ex-partner thought of him.

There were other vagrant souls sitting in the middle of the room around John starting off their day in court to obtain safety orders. John recognised one woman in her fifties. She had been very kind to him when he went to Family Court for a protection order. She had told John about what the process in the Family Court that day would be and so because she explained what would happen, he felt a lot less nervous as he progressed through the steps necessary to obtain a protection order. John observed that she was even more upset than the first time we met. He noticed mascara had become smudged around her eyes and looked very tense and worn down. She had started crying already and it was only 10.00 am. He hoped that her case would come up in the morning because it can take all day for a case to be heard. This event is a role call of who is present and who represents who and when that was determined everyone filed out. April had brought John into the role call, only solicitor's and barristers are obliged to attend, to give John a short exposure to the courtroom and what it looks like in order to limit any shock John may experience. John gratefully agreed to this approach.

The hearing did not start off well. April, John's solicitor, walked into the courtroom with the Jeffrey`s barrister. April declared she was representing John. The barrister stood up and stated she was representing Jeffrey and, when stating his job, she announced him as if she were announcing the Queen of England. John instantly realised, as his mother had warned him, the title of his job would influence the judgement. John did not believe her but as he sat in the court room watching the fuss that had been made over his job by the barrister, he decided she could be right. The judge would not be aware that He Who Never Was rarely did a full week's work, usually taking a half day during the week and was allowed by his managers to do so. If John were to somehow look less credible for being on an invalidity pension from social welfare, then Jeffrey also took much money off the state to pay for his sick days off work, now approaching six months in total.

The barrister furiously objected to Garda White giving evidence. For whatever odd reason the judge decided the guard could not give evidence as his evidence was not applicable to this case!! His evidence was applicable to Jeffrey`s criminal prosecution in March. Was this woman living on Mars? John's solicitor protested saying that Garda White would give important evidence pertaining to today's case not the evidence pertaining to the protection order case. The judge made her outlandish decision. She would only allow Garda White to confirm the date of the criminal prosecution hearing. John was crestfallen already. Garda White would no doubt have been able to make a good case for John but he was not allowed give evidence. John felt his case was failing and it had only started five minutes ago. It was not what the barrister said that prevented Garda White giving evidence. The judge was very firm and made up her mind within seconds having barely listened to either the solicitor or barrister. The judge balked immediately at the mere suggestion of Garda White giving evidence.

Already John`s trump card had fallen from his hand with no effect. John looked across at Jeffrey. He saw no emotion in him. None. He did not smile, he could not see that he was anxious, he did not look sad. He never looked across the room at John. He had not looked at him on the stairs of the court. John felt as if Jeffrey did not know him, his partner of eleven years. Jeffrey was stiff and robot like.

John realised, these thoughts were streaming rapidly through his consciousness, that the literature he had been reading about domestic abusers was correct. The abuser is technically a narcissist. A self-serving, self-obsessed, robot like human. This person looks human but the similarity stops there. They mimic behaviours that are necessary for each situation and for whoever they speak to. The abuser, the narcissist, is really all an act. There is no genuine personality only a serious of behaviours and words to suit the occasion. The character John knew as his partner Jeffrey was a false self, a persona his narcissist developed to extract as much narcissistic supply as possible from John. Jeffrey was an orchestra of well-played instruments and tones to drown out the noises of the swamp of anxiety, anger and aggression that lies within him. John for a second time that day could see the absence of Jeffrey in the narcissist who he had lived with. The person John thought was his partner he saw no evidence of existing sitting in that chair. He even felt a sense of loathing toward Jeffrey as he looked at him that day. He felt a revulsion as if he was looking at a rat. The same feeling of disgust he saw registered on the faces of others, a handful of people over eleven years who knew who Jeffrey really was. If there was any advantage to John being in court it was that John saw this man for who he really was not who he thought he was. This macabre creature, this abomination, was something he would fight on every level of his being to eject from his life, completely. John never saw this person for what he was as clearly as that day in court. This was only the beginning of the revelations John would experience in court.

Garda White was sworn in. The judge asked him was there a case pending and when. Garda White replied there was and then the judge dismissed him without using his name or thanking him for coming to court. Garda White walked out of the court room. He looked neither disappointed nor surprised. He knew part of his duty is to obey a judge and that is what he did, not that he had a choice.

John was first in the witness stand and was sworn in. He felt confident. He sat on the chair and surveyed the court from where he sat. I looked first at April who was smiling at me reassuringly. John glanced at the barrister. She was tall and blond. She had the barrister garbs of the black cloak and the white bow tied to her neck. John was still shocked that a local guard was not allowed give evidence while Jeffrey was defended by a barrister. John wondered why was it he felt as if he were on trial? Why had Jeffrey already been treated so favourably? What was for definite was John's defence was already in tatters. Now John felt he was just going through the motions of this court case but there was no fairness implicit in the judge's approach.

John could barely see the judge from where he sat. He moved his chair to the right to try to see the judge as best he could. The judge looked very old. Her hair was grey and somehow looked neatly layered. Even with John's 20/20 vision he could barely perceive her. She reminded him of the English judges of old that feature in films during the Easter Rising and Irish Civil War, the judges that sentenced freedom fighters and men of great honour to their death under the pretence of justice determined by a colonial power. The only difference was she was not wearing the grey wig that judges wear on television programmes. The type that shouts at the accused, bangs the gavel loudly, condemning the accused to a life of servitude then hurrying off to lunch only to do the same in the afternoon. John was not far wrong.

April asked John a serious of questions mostly focused on the assaults. John kept looking at her then she would gesture at him to look at the judge. She was making sure John talked to the judge not her. John preferred to look at April because the judge reminded him of a nasty bitter old spinster. As John sat at the stand he realised, more deeply this time, the hearing probably was not going well. He became a little upset during his description of the assaults in court but he managed to force back the tears.

At this point as John speaks to me of these events he became intensely upset and tearful. He asked me to let him rest a minute. He began shaking his head repeating, his head buried in his arms. He says "No! no!,no! God no! Jesus Christ no!! This can`t be happening to me!!!" as his tears drip drop to the ground while he whimpered. I offered him a tissue but he does not hear my words. I patted him on the back in an attempt to comfort him but he is inconsolable for now. He repeated these words through his muffled crying: "I felt so, so abandoned, so hopeless, so helpless, so misjudged and I felt worthless. Nobody listened and nobody cared. I felt so alone. I felt so scared. And I felt nobody cared, I felt worthless in that court!!!". John covered his face with his hands apologising for his tears, he cries a little more and then becomes quiet. He states that he wishes to continue to speak so I can record the event. I thanked him for his strength and persistence.

The barrister stood up and spoke the lies Jeffrey swore he would use in court about what happened during the assaults.

The barrister demanded "Mr. Dunne I allege it was Mr Hinley that was in fact thrown onto the couch violently by you." She went through Jeffrey`s lies of he who never was. The sitting room incident was no longer a 'scuffle' as He Who Never Was had lied to the guards.

John immediately replied, "That is not true."

She continued "You say Mr. Dunne that you held onto Mr Hinley`s arms and dug in with your nails."

John immediately said "That is not true. I said I held onto his arms, he was shoving me off his arms and I held strong onto them so as to break my fall."

The barrister said "I show this picture as evidence of Mr. Dunne`s violence toward Mr Hinley." She wanted to show the pictures of the scratched arms of He Who Never Was. This was the first time I saw those pictures. The scratch looked like a hole in his arm and John felt Jeffrey made the mark.

April objected "Your honour I am not accepting those pictures. There are no dates."

The judge did not look at the pictures. John was grateful that she did not because the hearing he did not think was going in his favour and He Who Never Was may have obtained a safety order with that picture. It was an ugly cut.

The barrister said "I put it to you Mr Dunne that Mr Hinley only pushed you through the front door of the apartment in Portugal."

John stated "No, that is not true."

April interjected "Your honour this is an email from Mr Hinley. In it he writes he apologises for the abuse and that it will stop". She passed the paper up toward the judge.

The barrister stated, with more accusation in her tone this time "Mr Dunne you suffer from a mental illness, bipolar disorder, is that so?"

John replied, slightly frustrated "I do not suffer from bipolar. My bipolar is well managed and helps me with my work."

There was a flurry of papers sent to the judge, my doctor`s letters were triumphantly handed by April to the secretary who sat half way between counsel's desk and the judge to prove I was sane.

John noticed the barrister was reading from a large notebook, like a log book. I noticed that every statement she made was highlighted in her book. She had pages and pages of information hand written in her large note book. She crossed off each highlighted sentence after she spoke the words. John detached a little from the questioning by briefly studying the barrister. John could not understand why it would be necessary to handwrite so many pages of information. Possibly a lap top was a more efficient way of organising data. Then he paid attention to what the barrister was saying. It became clear to John this barrister was a novice, April said the inexperienced read off their notes word for word.

John throughout his questioning had relied on his beliefs in archangels for support. He would momentarily ask Archangel Michael for his protection before answering a question. When he thought of this archangel he would instantly relax. As he was questioned by Jeffrey`s barrister he felt the warmth around him, that he felt the moment he took the stand, grew warmer. The more the panic in him began to grow the more he would feel a calmness that radiated from the warmth around him. John was in no doubt that yet again Archangel Michael had not failed him and was present with him while John was on trial, this is how badly John felt about his day in court.

The barrister said "You are taking supplements that are affecting your medication and your mental health. Both the Federal Drugs Agency and The NHS have given warnings about this."

April objected. I replied "I take one supplement."

The judge said "Say no more Mr Dunne. I know nothing about supplements or medication."

April interjected "Mr Dunne would you like to describe the issues you do have with the management of your health, the current difficulties."

"He is trying to control me by controlling my medication and trying to control my doctor's treatment."

April passed up the letter to the judge where my lung consultant wrote about his concerns.

April said "Would you tell the court what your lung consultant wrote in this letter?"

I could see my abuser leaning even closer than before to where I sat.

"He had stolen my skin medication. I had a very bad rash on my face. I met him........"

April was gesturing to move on "I asked him to give it to me he said he did not have it. He handed it back to me three months ago. That letter was written by my doctor to show to Jeffrey. My doctor was worried that he was interfering with my treatment." April had told John that when she would make that particular gesture the judge was getting bored. Bored! The judge was getting bored at a man's terror and future fear for his safety. Maybe the judge would have heard more interesting information from the guard she had dismissed!!

"Mr Dunne what did that indicate to you?"

"I had spent a few weeks staying in my mother's house. Before I went home I bought a safe to stop him from interfering with my medication." I looked directly at the judge "Your honour I have three major conditions including severe asthma, a fractured leg and knee. My femur is held together with a metal plate and my knee is held together with wrapped strings of metal. I take a lot of medication to help me breath. He wants me to give up the main inhaler I need to breath. My mental health is only managed. It is a fine balancing act to maintain my health. Your honour if he gains control of one of my health issues, he has sent several letters to my doctors trying to do so, he could kill me or make so ill I would not be able to get help!" The judge was staring at me from above. John thought he could see a very mild trace of concern on her face. Even with John's excellent eye sight he could not see her very clearly. He was annoyed with himself that he could not perceive her face so that he could give himself some direction as to how best to word what he was saying.

"Mr Dunne you have difficulties with a lot of people. Your mother, your friends, your sisters. It is difficult for you to have positive relationships with people, is that not so?"

John was flabbergasted "No, that is not true."

The barrister said with a slightly agitated tone in her voice. John felt that she was annoyed that April prevented her from submitting the pictures. She stared down at John, as his abuser liked to do, towering over him as he often did while he sat on the sitting room couch. "You only pay 400 euros a month toward the finances of the house."

"No that is not true either."

The judge said "That is not for this type of case counsel".

John glanced with annoyance toward his domestic abuser, he was leaning as close as he could from his seat toward the witness stand. Did he really believe all these lies? Was he that deluded? Worse, would the judge believe these lies?

John knew what Jeffrey had planned to say in court and what his barrister would say. To hear these accusations said in a court of law in front of people he did not know did hurt. He knew the barrister was trying to stir him up and show anger and that was the reason for these rapid firing of questions. Thankfully John stayed true to his character and remained polite and respectful. At least Jeffrey did not manage to dehumanize John in court. April told him later he had handled himself very well in the witness stand. John held true to his good character even while being chagrined and riled yet again, this time by an amateur barrister. John had stood up to his abuser and kept his honour.

John can remember the vague feeling that somehow the judge was not receiving his message of the terror that Jeffrey had inflicted on him. John felt she did appear to be hearing him but that is different to listening. He felt the judge heard his words but was not picking up on his meaning. He was embarrassed to be a man sitting in a court upset over the attacks of another man who was his ex-partner. Particularly since the judge did not seem that concerned or did not understand the severity of his abuse. In my research I have similar experiences of domestic abuse victims in court. John did not like the fact that April was at the far side of the judge while the barrister seemed to be sitting beside him, in spitting distance of him. John's abuser was bending over in his chair, sitting less than ten foot away, listening to John's every word, smiling threateningly. This behaviour was not corrected by the judge.

April and the barrister finished questioning John. John walked a little unsteadily out of the witness stand and down to a chair in the middle of the courtroom behind April. His hands were damp with cold sweat. He was aware he mastered himself in the witness stand as best he could. Even when John became upset on the stand he was still able to force the words out of his mouth and make his words meaningful. When the barrister tried to draw anger from him he remained true to himself. He showed tolerance and respect.

John sat in his little chair hands clasped together with his feet vibrating slightly. His head was pointed slightly to the ceiling. He remembers he often sat like that in church. It is a common pose for the desperate, those begging for intervention from God. His ego was too wounded to think of God. All he could think of was how horrible the barrister had been toward him and how much he hated Jeffrey for having thought that way about him.

Worst of all John deeply regretted having lived with such a monster for eleven years. He felt foolish and ridiculous, that his relationship never existed. In a court of law it suddenly dawned on John he never knew Jeffrey, this animal sneering at him ten foot away was the real 'It'. Like that horrible clown creation 'It' by Stephen King. John had always been terrified of clowns and masks since he was a child. Now he felt as if he had been unconsciously warned as a small child about people who wear masks: narcissists. He realised that Jeffrey did not know him either, if he really thought that John would be stupid enough to return to him as he had asked him to. A few weeks after the hearing Jeffrey asked John out on Valentine's Day. John said no and that he would only speak to him through a solicitor in the future.

John's domestic abuser took the stand. How fearless Jeffrey looked as he was sworn in, he would often shake with nerves over the smallest difficulty. Unless he was abusing John, he would no longer be afraid then. Jeffrey looked so comfortable sitting there with a brazen face. John did not listen to the questions the barrister asked. Biased questions followed by false answers and half-truths by Jeffrey. John knew, and Jeffrey knew, he was lying. Jeffrey had planned all this shortly after the second assault in July, the same night, even before John obtained the protection order. Jeffrey had planned that night what he would do if the law got involved. He told John. Jeffrey danced around the kitchen gleefully, knowing he would escape any punishment. "Because you are crazy and violent. Nobody will believe you HaHaHa!!" he laughed manically. That was how John knew he was not in the wrong. Jeffrey had told John how he would proceed that night after the assault. He followed through on his promise in court that day.

John was too hurt to listen while the barrister assisted Jeffrey to lie to the court. He just continued to cry as streams of tears slid down his cheeks, finally unable to control is emotions. John once again fell back on his faith and asked for Archangel Michael to protect him. Instantly John could feel a warmth around him again, he visualized a shield placed in front of him with all Jeffrey`s nasty negative comments bouncing off it and away from him. He heard a voice in his mind telling him he was safe and would not be harmed. He sat in a praying position on his chair in the middle of the court crying quietly to himself unceasingly. John's solicitor looked back twice to draw the attention of the judge to my upset. He did not think the judge would care. John does not feel comfortable crying in front of others. But there was nothing else for him to do but cry. John listened to April as she began to question Jeffrey. April stood straight and looked directly at him and started to speak in an accusatory voice.

"Mr Hinley I put it to you your sworn statement mentions the event as August. Why were you not aware that the assault in question was September 20th?"

April passed the statement toward the judge.

He had not answered.

April said "Mr Hinley please answer the question"

"I did not read it right when it was printed."

The judge replied "You had signed the statement Mr Hinley. That is your signature is it not?"

Another long pause.

"Yes it is. I have dyslexia. I didn't read it properly."

April said "I put it to you Mr Hinley that you were aggressive in Dublin Airport on the way to Portugal. Is that correct?"

Jeffrey shouted "JESUS CHRIST, WHAT THE FUCK!!!"

Judge "I remind you Mr Hinley you are in court! Answer the question Mr Hinley were you aggressive to staff in Dublin Airport?"

April "I put it to you, you were accused of assaulting an air line stewardess by the airline manager, were you not?"

Jeffrey said indignantly "I have a written apology from air line!"

I realised that April was moving at a fast pace with her questioning. John remembered in their final meeting in her office she said that April always read the judge. If she thought the judge was getting bored she would move onto another issue or ask a set of questions speedily to maintain the interest of the judge. This questioning was fast paced. She was moving through issues speedily.

Had April picked up that the judge was bored with the questioning of He Who Never Was. Was the judge bored with these issues as well? Was the judge bored of what Jeffrey was saying? Had she already made a decision? John did not want to think this way but he had learned to trust his instinct which was normally right. His case was not proceeding well, to put it mildly.

April started "Mr Hinley we have heard how you believe Mr John's mental health is a major issue. Would you like to tell the court about your own disabilities?"

The barrister objected "Your honour this is not significant to the case!"

"This evidence is relevant your honour."

April continued regardless "Mr Hinley do you have any mental health issues yourself Mr Hinley"

Mr Hinley "JESUS CHRIST WHAT DO YOU MEAN?!!!"

Judge "MR HINLEY you are in court!" shouted the judge.

April said firmly "I repeat, Mr Hinley do you have any mental health issues yourself?"

Mr Hinley paused to think then spoke with his voice raised, his anger toward April barely controlled.

"I have anxiety." He said, again baring his teeth in barely subdued agression at April.

April said "I put it to you Mr Hinley that you in fact assaulted Mr Dunne that night in the sitting room, tell me your version."

He Who Never Was paused and said "We had lung injuries after being on another holiday. We were both on a lot of steroids. He went into my face shouting at me. He said I will fix you now. He grabbed me by both shoulders, dragging my left shoulder further down. He shoved my head under his arm (begins to cry briefly, not very convincingly) put me in a headlock, strangling me and threw me onto the couch."

My domestic abuser kept pausing to think of his answers and nothing was said.

"Did you inform the guards?"

He paused "No"

"Did you go to a doctor?"

"No."

"You say you were so concerned about the alleged attack and alleged injury by Mr. Dunne and yet you told no one?"

"I told my brother that night."

The Judge interrupted "Thank you counsel."

April looked up at the judge "Your honour can I finish?"

"Counsel I have heard the case."

April stopped speaking suddenly and sat down slowly, as if deflating like a punctured football.

The judge said "The relationship is irretrievably broken down. Neither Mr Hinley or Mr Dunne meets the test to obtain a Safety order. Thank you."

The judge disappeared behind her desk. As she did so John's hope of being treated fairly also disappeared. He was in shock. April exposed Jeffrey to be a true thug. His mental health was barely discussed. John's mental health was discussed at length. John thought of the night he confided in Jeffrey about his bipolar and how Jeffrey said "I promise I will never tell anyone, trust me." It was first on his list of accusations. Jeffrey did just as he told John he would that night he assaulted him in July.

John was annoyed that Jeffrey paused so often. He sat there and pondered with the answers so often. He was thinking about most answers. In court a person is supposed to answer from the heart, April had explained to John. The answer must come quickly to show its truth. There was He Who Never Was pondering so many questions. It was clear he was not telling the truth.

April had brought up the air line incident which John did not expect. As John and Jeffrey were in Dublin airport to catch a plane to their holiday destination, where Jeffreys first assault against John took place, Jeffrey became annoyed with a new system they were introducing. An air hostess insisted he use the system. Jeffrey started jumping up and down and was wagging his finger right in her face, a woman in her late fifties. Four air line staff circled around their colleague. Jeffrey and John were whisked away to a far corner while another airline staff put Jeffrey under a lot of pressure by assertively addressing his bad behaviour. John prevented Jeffrey from losing his temper a second time. He was told to apologise to the stewardess for his behaviour. He did so but made it obvious it was not a genuine apology. The manager was called out and insisted Jeffrey was not fit for travel. John negotiated with the three staff and they were allowed go on their way. John was assaulted three days later. John has only one regret about this abuse debacle. He believes he should have allowed airline deemed He Who Never Was unfit for travel. Jeffrey would have not found it so easy to convince so many well-educated people his behaviour was somehow reasonable. John may then have been granted a safety order.

This court date was over. John almost ran out of the room tears flowing down his face. Jeffrey`s brother stood near the door outside, grinning at him. John ran into the little room where his mother and friends waited, April walked after him. He cried hysterically repeating over and over he did not get the safety order. His mother hugged me, somewhat stiffly, and he continued to cry. He was so distraught. April walked out and waited in the hall until he could gain control over himself. After a few minutes he sat down, still crying a little.

April came back into the room and explained the verdict "The relationship is irretrievably broken. There is no point in granting a safety order. Neither was Mr Hindley granted a safety order"

My mother kept repeating "The judge is right it is time to break up."

John became extremely upset and in a show of unprecedented anger said "For fuck sake I have been since November!! Why does nobody understand! I still have to give evidence in the criminal court. I do not understand. It's not fair!!!"

His mother became upset thinking John had personally attacked her for cursing in her direction, he had not cursed at her. She did not speak to him for the rest of the day

Everyone was quite in the small room.

One of my friends said "At least there is no kids involved John."

"But sure what difference does that make? Things are bad enough already!"

April was looking very concerned and said "OK John I have to go through your options now."

My mother said quietly "OK we will give ye some privacy." My two friends walked out with her.

Another friend said "John is just letting off steam."

John asked wearily "April how did that happen? You did such a great job!"

"As I said at the beginning John the judge makes the decision, I cannot control her mind. But at least she did not see these pictures." Pointing to the picture of the scratched arm of He Who Never Was.

"She heard you John."

"It doesn't matter April; I really am not blaming you. She did not give me the safety order."

"As I said John, I cannot control the judge, neither can I explain the decisions a judge makes. What do you want to do? I would recommend an appeal. I cannot go ahead unless you agree."

"I want to appeal April. Thank you for agreeing."

April said, now very business-like "It would be interesting to see what would happen with a different judge. Also it would look good for his prosecution case. Now, what are you going to do about where you will live?"

"I don't know. I was hoping to go back to my own home."

"Obviously the two of you cannot stay in the house. It will unfortunately make it more difficult for the house to be sold in the circuit court if you do leave."

"Well I might stay in my home then. He said he will not be home for a couple of weeks."

April looked me straight in the eye "He will be in the house tonight John or in the next few days. John I like you as a person. I really do. I live locally. To be frank John I do not want to hear from a local person or read in a newspaper you have been murdered. If you go back to your house John that is what could happen to you. I think it is very likely that will happen to you if you back to your house."

April was correct. Jeffrey returned to the house on the four days later. He had sent my mother a letter a few weeks before then saying he was not returning to the house until the beginning of February

"OK, well I will go to my mother's house."

"Good. Now an appeal date may not come up for a few months. I will send him a Notice of Appeal by registered post. He may not accept it by registered post but we shall see."

"OK. Thanks April and really thank you for everything"

"OK John. I will be in touch"

April rushed away. John walked down the stairs and saw his domestic abuser walking toward the front door of the court with his brother. He was not smiling and did not look at all happy. He kept staring at the ground, not once did he look up. His brother was smiling at him, that looked a bit out of place but his family was not any of his John's business any more. As he walked outside he could see Jeffrey walk quickly down the road to the left of the court. He was still staring at the footpath as he walked. John could still not see any emotion. John had never seen him stare at the ground constantly like that. He had a small suitcase with him and John wondered why would he needed a suitcase in court.

That was John's first experience in court. The group returned home and had lunch. One of John's friends was saying that there are often wrong judgements made in Irish courts. The judgement was unjust. There was a little merriment among them while they had lunch. Once again during that event the kind of humour that is used to dispel tension and stress.

John remained in shock for the afternoon. Justice was not done. Jeffrey`s plan, that he had created within two hours the night of his assault, was convincing and well executed. John could even appreciate the planning of it. Jeffrey hatched the plan, he suspected in retrospect probably with the assistance of his brother that night. Jeffrey`s brother rang John that night returning his call for help. He was angry with John for speaking with his partner about the problem. Jeffrey denied his brother had called him. John's solicitor had advised him his family was involved in the attempted entrapment, another wording would be stopping the escape of the hostage. Jeffrey had behaved like a total thug in court and still was not punished by way of John achieving a safety order. Yes admittedly there was a sense of genius about his performance no matter how twisted. Jeffrey had achieved his objective which was to ensure that John would not be listened to in court by using his bipolar diagnosis.

April said the mind of the judge could not be read but John's sense was that Jeffrey`s plan at the very least influenced the judge's decision or even formed most of the basis of her judgement. Some days later John's solicitor informed him that the judge did not believe either party and this was due to the fact that both stories were so at variance. John felt even his own solicitor had a tinge of doubt in her voice about his version of events. I do not believe it is possible for a person in John's predicament, defending himself and escaping a domestic abuse, without developing a very highly tuned sense of intuition in order to succeed avoiding entrapment especially when others become involved in attempting to prevent the escape of the abusers hostage. John knew his intuition to be always correct during the escalation of his abuse and the actions he took to escape. He felt his own solicitor did not believe him after Jeffrey`s performance.

His friend Alan said to John on that heart wrenching day that he had the right people, good people who loved him, on his side who would help and protect him for as long as takes. Alan and his wife Mary had known John since he was fifteen. Everyone who ever knew and did know John knew he was incapable of violence or any form of abuse, even when he was extremely mentally unwell. Alan reassured John that if all Jeffrey had on his side were crooked judges well in normal day to day life judges would not be helping. There seemed to be an implicit threat in Alan's statement.

While John was upset he knew it was the way of the narcissist to succeed in court, this was the case in probably ninety five percent of domestic abuse cases throughout the world. He decided judges are narcissists themselves. He was proud he had taken all the necessary steps to protect himself. John made the decision that day that it was too dangerous and foolish to return to his own home that day without a Safety order. His intuition was begging him not to.

On that fateful day John had not just lost his court case he had also lost his home. A few months later his narcissist changed the locks of his home and stole everything he owned. John preferred to lose his home which he looked on as bricks and mortar and a mausoleum to the relationship he had with Jeffrey. A relationship that never existed, both saw in each other a fabrication of reality. John also understood his ex-partner, since November 2016, to have been a fictitious character who did not exist either. John knew he was a real person who had insisted on the preservation of what he held most dear in life now which was his freedom and the preservation of his life and his health. He was already successful in achieving this. Jeffrey had permanently lost his fix, his source of narcissistic supply which was John. That was what Jeffrey wanted and in this sense he had lost. This was a bitter sweet consolation for John.

While John's mother espoused that day the judge made the right decision she soon seemed to doubt the wisdom of the judgement. After that judgement John did not go back to his home. He was afraid to and he was wise not to do so.

John rang the Garda Station for advice the following day. The local guard told him he was wise to be careful and to have spoken to them first before entering the house. He said it was extremely strange that a guard's evidence was not heard in court. It was also odd that John was not given a protection order until the appeal date. The guard advised he was wise to leave the house at least for a few weeks. The guard suggested that when he would like to go to the house to get his belongings, they would provide a guard so he could stay safe. Jeffrey returned to the house four days later. John believed he was trying to take him by surprise and assault him because in his letter to his mother he said he was staying out of the house until February. John most likely avoided a severe beating. April said he could receive even worse than that if he stayed in the house after the court date. John`s domestic abuser was hoping he would be at home, thinking he would not come home for a week or two. When he would arrive John would be no match for the fury he would unleash on him. He was psychologically and emotionally worn out. He would have no safety order to enable the guards to arrest Jeffrey. John's domestic abuser would have been furious for having the audacity to bring him to court, especially since he had tried to manipulate him since September to try and prevent him. John still shudders to think what could have happened to him that night when Jeffrey returned. He still wonders would he have allowed him to live.

John was so grateful that April had warned him and that he had listened. That Tuesday he did have a feeling that something was wrong. He was going to talk to the guards on the way to the house. His mother suggested he ring first to make sure Garda White was in the station. He was told Garda White was on that day so he assumed he would be in the station. He began to get very dizzy and decided to ring the guards. Garda White was not in the station. He decided not to go to return to his home. His abuser sent him an email saying he was looking at the bill account a few hours later. John was happy that he listened to his instinct and managed, for once, not to be ambushed by Jeffrey.

John is grateful that the guards have been so protective of him and continue to support him. Garda White knew, immediately, that his domestic abuser was behaving strangely when he walked into the Garda Station with his protection order. John must take credit too, it was John's phone call that had alerted Garda White just only minutes ahead of Jeffrey`s arrival to the Garda Station. Garda White said his abuser was smiling and convivial but when he asked Jeffrey why he needed the protection order he did not go into any detail. Garda White knew what judges did not know within seconds. Garda White may then have alerted the other guards. John is sure he owes Garda White his life and has told him so. John certainly owes him his well-being, the fact that he had not been assaulted since the first night Garda White took his statement. He made the decision from now on to do exactly as the guards advised him to do. This meant being a witness in Jeffrey`s prosecution trial for an alleged break of John's safety order.

John was convinced Jeffrey would not be found guilty but he owed Garda White his life and would support him in his search justice, however unlikely that may be.

Two weeks later Jeffrey asked John to go out with him for a drink. Jeffrey only mentioned the date, not that he was asking him out on Valentines night. John has not an accurate perception of dates due to his Dyscalculia. John thought this was a ludicrous request given what had happened in court, not to mention Jeffrey`s abusive behaviour in general. John was suspicious and googled the date then realised Jeffrey had asked him out on Valentines night. John immediately refused. Jeffrey emailed he might change his mind. John replied he would not be changing his mind; he would not be seeing him on Valentines night or at any other time ever again. John felt very sad but also experienced an overwhelming sense of relief that he had now ended the whole charade that was his 'relationship'. And that he saw through He Who Never Was. How he did not look at him at any time in court. The way he sat devoid of all the array of intensely strong emotions he feigned for me. How he leaned over from his chair to get as close to where John was sitting in the witness stand as if tracking prey, he was, not 'if'. Until court John never before saw so clearly that his partner as he understood him to be did not exist.

After Court

A few weeks later John told me he will spend no more time mourning his relationship that did not exist in the first place. People do not mourn a dream or a nightmare, do they? Once you wake from a dream or a nightmare you know when you wake that is all it was, and you get on with your life. It is the same difference with the end of my 'relationship' well, more like just a set of interactions. He Who Never Was is not real. He is a projection, like a holograph. The holograph has colour and appears to be 3D but just looks that way because the way the image is made on paper. There is no depth to He Who Never Was. John knew that the best way of getting over the narcissist is dealing with the very real psychological and emotional damage he has caused to me through his abuse. John have to deal with so much. It was time for him to spend time healing himself.

John was confident about his future. He did have to move out of his own home and clean up all the unfinished business with him like the house etc. and find a new place to live. He would continue staying in the local area where he has friends, acquaintances and family. He was not starting a brand-new life as John loved many of the people already in his life and the prettiness of the area. The guards still respect him. John said that "I will not mourn a person that did not exist. I have to heal the pain He Who Never Was caused me. That is all the getting over I have to do. Then I just move on to what will be a happier life then living with my abuser. Now that he has completely uncloaked and revealed himself to me there would be no more pretending he has any compassion or humanness. He's nothing more than a robot to me."

John says "I know I only get one bite of this cherry. I know I only have once chance to leave this grotesque robot-like man. I must leave this time and I am preparing to leave. If I decided not to it would be like friends, family and helpful professionals opening the gates of hell to help me to escape and I turning around just at the point of gaining freedom and closing the doors of hell again. Choosing death over life. Choosing the death of my personality and the imprisonment of my soul, He Who Never Was would be my prison warden pretending to everyone to be my loving partner, the perfect boyfriend. Until death do we part. A kiss from my abuser if I did not leave would be a kiss of death. My abuser would know my route of escape in the future. He knows all about protection order s and safety orders now. He knows how to fool judges and guards. If I do not take this chance to leave him, I will never be free. There will be no second chance for me."

A dependency on the Irish judicial system to escape the slavery of being a domestic abuse victim from their domestic abuser does not guarantee escape or even protection. I would go so far as to say John's dependence on the Irish judicial system alone for protection from a domestic abuser would result in at best a precarious safety that is temporary at worst no protection at all. A protection order is only as effective as the legal system that upholds it. The efficacy of these Orders really depends on the quality of character of the legal people directly involved with the victim. John was fortunate to have an understanding and compassionate judge who gave him a protection order at the beginning. Garda White was in charge of Johns case and had the wisdom to know that John was the abused and Jeffrey the abuser. Other guards were protective too. Two guards that came to John's house were very unprofessional according to John yet dealt with the call out they faced that in which was lenient, they could have taken both John and Jeffrey for questioning at the station. They did not but also Jeffrey fled that night. One judge was idiotic enough to grant Jeffrey a protection order. Another judge was so clueless as to not grant John a safety order when John needed it.

John had an excellent solicitor who was as good as a barrister. I feel she felt morally obliged to protect him. She spent so much time with John which was uncharacteristic of free legal aid solicitors. So often I saw cases on for the day the solicitors seemingly not familiar with the victim's case at all. Asking questions and scribbling down answers from victims on their notebooks.

I think the effectiveness and granting of safety orders and protection order s in Ireland and elsewhere, depends on the legal people directly involved with the victim and the abuser. In every man-made system there are faults. This reflects the fact that humans are not perfect and no human system is perfect. The fact that there are safety orders and Protection order s reflects positively on any justice system because many countries do not have these orders. In general, the legal system does attempt to help domestic abuse victims but there are legal parameters that have to be worked within and escaping domestic abuse is an extremely emotional process.

I am in the following paragraphs appealing directly to domestic abuse victims to consider their situation not only legally but in other aspects of their abuse paradigm.

To escape the abuser, it is not enough to have legal protection. Always use the order only as legally outlined. BUT try to discern who will help you escape. Which people you meet do you think will help you? Then trust them. If your heart even whispers a person might help let them help. From friends, family, guards, solicitors to judges go by your instinct. In this situation where your survival is at stake your instinct is one of your most important weapons. Do not depend on the protection of the law alone. Ask anyone you think will help and let your family and friends help if you have managed to stay in touch with them. It is only by making use of all available resources and any person you trust can you hope to fight your abuser in the most unequal of battles. If he tears down one of your defences, you need to have another line of defence. It was clear in time to John just one defence, the law, would not be enough.  
You are not dealing with a human, a predator is a more accurate description of the abuser. If you are a male domestic abuse victim do not be ashamed. Why? Because you and your abuser are not alike. Your abuser, the narcissist, is a predator in terms of thinking and behaviour. Your abuser does not have emotions that are beneficial to others. You are a human being. You have a real personality with real feelings. You love others for who they are not because of what you can take from them. You are probably a sensitive person. How do you think you can fight a predator? Do you think it is an equal fight? If you saw a wolf rip apart a puppy would you think that puppy should have fought the wolf better? If a cat killed a mouse would you think the mouse had an equal chance to fight the cat? I am guessing you said no!!

What I am illustrating is your abuser is not altogether human. They have a human body, but it could be argued that the similarity between them and human beings stops there. Most have what is called a narcissistic personality disorder which I will describe later. Suffice it to say they are sick individuals who need constant attention to feed their fake sense of self and this includes attention by battering their victims. Terror is an acceptable form of attention to narcissists. The narcissist or a domestic abuser is a mean killing machine. They may not kill physically, although they often do. But an abuser will always kill you in the end. They will kill your personality. They will eventually demoralise you and devalue you. They will take your soul captive. You will not make choices or do anything not dictated to by your abuser. They- will break your heart until love is nothing to you but a dirty word. Until you associate love with pain and control. Love to your abuser is to satisfy him or her, the pleasure you offer. Nothing to do with your desire for happiness or compassion. All you will have left if you return to your abuser in the case of non-physical death is your body. Your body will be taken into bondage. Eventually you will be beaten, assaulted or raped by your abuser. Until there is nothing left of you. Yes, you can die to your abuser as he takes your personality and your body and makes you into whatever he thinks you should be. He can also physically kill you too.   
Do you still think you should be ashamed for being abused when your only crime in facing your abuser was being a decent human being?

The chances you have of out running your abuser wearing him or her down and eventually stopping him or her from hunting you I believe depend on how many lines of defence you can establish around yourself.

Never physically attack the narcissist as he or she will twist an attack from self-defence to your abuse against them. You have to outwit your abuser. Confuse the abuser. Then you have to throw the abuser off your scent. Do not let the abuser know where you are or what your next step is. To gain your freedom you then must join forces with someone to trap the abuser or scare the abuser off. It is a very real case of being hunted. Well, in nature, there always comes a time in a predator's life cycle where the hunter becomes the hunted. If you can make your abuser make enough mistakes he will become hunted.

2017 Dairy Entries

The In Between Worlds

18th February

The in-between world is what I call my current life. I left He Who Never Was yet he does not consider that I have. He asked me out for Valentine's Day, I did not go. He has emailed me a hundred times. Nasty emails blaming me for everything not one of them were positive. Except for why we can not move forward. I have been trying to wind him up a little before his prosecution date – he is a narcissist and I want him jumping up and down cursing and blinding while the guards prosecute him. Let the judge see what he is really like. He behaved that way for the safety order hearing and the judge did not take it into account but maybe in the Circuit Court a judge might do so. He will not put the house on the market.

I went into Free Legal Aid in Citizens Information and the solicitor I was booked in to see told me there was a conflict of interest because he was representing, He Who Never Was for his prosecution case and he turned me away. I had to go down the stairs and tell the staff I had to see another solicitor because the solicitor I was sent to would not see me because there was a conflict of interest. This meant the solicitor had a lot of information about me to use in the narcissists case as I had talked to the solicitor before. Yet again I got a very familiar sick feeling in my stomach and a feeling yet again of hopelessness and helplessness as the wheels of fate consistently rolled in my ex`s favour.

I went up to the house to get my clothes and I was so worried about it I asked a guard to go up with me and again they supported me and went up to the house with me. I told them He Who Never Was will not put the house on the market and the guard scoffed him and said he could bloody well pay me to do that. The guards have not asked me to be a witness in the prosecution of He Who Never Was for allegedly breaking my protection order. It does not matter what the judge says, of course if He Who Never Was fined and received a criminal record that would be perfect, but the guards and I know he breached the order. I must be in the crowd anyway because if I did not know what was said he could manipulate me about that. Twice after that I went into the house for a few minutes and I had a panic attack both times, I never had panic attacks before now.

It had also come to my attention that he was trying to embezzle money I paid a solicitor. We were both going to sue a company. A travel company in 2015 put us in very bad accommodation where building had commenced. I became very, very sick. I developed an awful hacking cough. When we arrived home about three days later I ended up in Accident and Emergency on oxygen for an hour and I was under observation. I had to use a nebular. I had to attend a lung specialist who was very good to me, he charged reasonably and was an excellent doctor. To this day I am still on a lot of asthma medication. Anyway, cutting through all that and getting to the point, the solicitor was trying to con us. He Who Never Was thinks he is so smart but he did not cop that was the case. Shortly after his abuse escalated even further and I stayed in my mothers, in July. I paid my half of the fees because I did not want the solicitor to increase the fees, well it was my mother's idea. But He Who Never Was did not pay his half of the fees. I also paid for the barrister fees- €600 - He Who Never Was should have paid €300 to me which he never did. The importance of all this is I found out this week he was trying to take that money from the solicitor. He had complained to the Law Society HE had been ripped off. He was pretending he paid that money. He was trying to steal €1,600 of my money. That is what it all boiled down to really. So I acted very quickly I rang the Law Society and they said to talk to the solicitor in future. Then he sent me an email confirming He Who Never Was did not pay any money and yet was complaining to the Law Society. I acknowledge that this solicitor had conned me but, just to show how bad I feel about He Who Never Was, I much preferred he keep the money rather than my domestic abuser. Hopefully this can be used for my appeal.

He Who Never was it turned out did not pay any fees. Despite me complaining to the Law Society, while admitting this solicitor should pay me back my half and charge my ex the solicitor refused and that was that. Yet again my domestic abuser had me pay while he gives nothing yet he insists I am living off him!!!

Can you see how my life is still entangled in my old relationship? Even though psychologically I am moving on it is just that – moving on. Not Moved on. He is still in my life. He had hired the solicitor I was booked to get advice from and I was turned away. He Who Never Was tried to embezzle the fees I paid the solicitor. I am paying for a mortgage in a house where I have panic attacks even though he is not there. I still have to attend the appeal case. Can you see why I am in what I see as an in-between world?

One world was my whirlwind relationship that in reality did not exist. Here I am in my mother's again trying to obtain rent allowance and put together a plan for the future. I was never given housing assistance by the council. I desperately want to travel to the world where I have moved on in which I have a life without He Who Never Was and all ties cut. A life where I am completely independent and maybe even a successful author with a book or two written. I am learning a lot from Gabriel Woods as we work together on this project. That world really does seem as far away as Mars from Planet Earth. I could be compared to the space shuttle that keeps failing to take off.

What is so difficult about living in this in-between world is that nobody that is supporting me really understands. Part of me has moved forward, the legal affairs between me and He Who Never Was keep me back. Even if it was just the house to deal with that would still be drawn out too. What some do not seem to understand is that I am glad that the guards are being so helpful. I really do believe if the guards had not taken my side, I would be dead by now. In fact, I am in no doubt about that. I was looking up on You Tube how people react toward domestic abuse victims when they have left their abuser. What I am experiencing happens the world over. The narcissist personality type, the domestic abuser, does a very good job of constructing their false personality and making other people believe them. He Who Never Was has fooled two judges. That is what narcissist's, domestic abusers, do. And really that is how you can sum up a narcissist. They con, they fool, and they lie. Unforgiving as that may sound and not politically correct that is what they do, to themselves as well as others. People cannot understand how a 'perfect model boyfriend' could cause me so much stress. It is like even now the false self of He Who Never Was still continues to exist, certainly in the minds of others, even though it is clear to so many people he is a fake. I can forgive people about this. It took me 11 years to realise He Who Never Was is a domestic abuser, a narcissist. Judges are supposed to know better.

How am I these days in the middle of all this? I have good days and I have bad days. Good days are when I can accept all of this. Bad days are when almost I constantly think about, He Who Never Was, how angry he is and how he wanted to kill me, yet I never obtained a safety order. I worry that he is out there somewhere, he left our home in November 2016 and I can get a little anxious. I would not feel that way if that judge had not been so careless. All the time though I am not happy. I am not sad. My emotions are in an in-between world too. I am coping but I have wound my life down completely. I write about this, I go to the gym, I go to the library and I cook dinner sometimes for myself and my mam. That is really all I can do, it is enough.

I do not talk to people much. I have no interest. I have nightmares nearly every night. Either He Who Never Was is shouting and roaring even though I have left him, or he is physically assaulting me in the darkness of my bedroom. I cower in my bed as if he is physically assaulting me. I cannot get to sleep until around 3.am. I am looking after myself. I am not drinking, and I have not started smoking again. I go to the gym four times a week and I eat well. I could not describe myself as happy. I have extremely bad Psoriasis on both my arms which I know is stress. At least I have stopped crying the past two weeks.

I was wondering how I would react in future relationships and I found out today. A guy in the gym let me know he fancied me. I was in the large jacuzzi. I am forty-two but I am very good looking and because of all the exercise I am doing to deal with this stress I am now very fit, and I have lost a lot of weight. He looked at me a couple of time. In the gym there are two 'beds' with jet streams. I was sitting on the edge of one dangling my legs in the water. He swims up to the jet bed and made no secret he was looking at me in an attracted way. Then he swam past my legs, his foot rubbing past mine. He rolled onto his back and looked at me again trying to catch my eye. He had a good body; his face was a bit ugly. I suppose if you just kept looking at his body during sex you would not feel too bad!!! I would not look him in the eye and what happened then I was unprepared for. My relationship of 11 years from start to finish flooded into my mind. So many memories good and bad, mostly bad. My mind asked so many questions as it mused over these multiple images. A man liked me and what I did was look back into the past. I was not prepared for that. I was not prepared for the intrusion of the past into my present of what should have been a feeling of flattery.

I know I have to be patient with myself. I know I have to be patient as over time I cut my ties with He Who Never Was one by one. Still, I do not want to be in this in between worlds.

19th February

I am not a person that hates or an intolerant person. I try to care for people. I am told this is one of the issues of domestic abuse. He Who Never Was probably chose me because I have these qualities. I was always this way, but my mother taught me how to be a decent human being. This was all further reinforced with spirituality and the growing importance in my life of God, archangels and angels.

Lately I have been feeling these terrible emotions of indignation, hate, disgust and unforgiveness. I realise I am facing the biggest existential crisis of my life, even bigger than when my parents divorced (an absolute necessity but it still hurt). These strong negative emotions are not part of who I am. Yet I cannot seem to extricate them from my thoughts and my emotions. Emotions like this flood my mind and my thoughts so often during the day, as if I never thought positively about people at all. I am questioning so much about myself, the world and others. There is nothing within me or around me I do not question. My mind is struggling to make sense of my current life and my past. I say to myself just let it be, we are where we are. I suppose I have too much intelligence and my mind insist on having answers but there may not be many answers at all. To me that is an existential crisis!

I hate He Who Never Was for making me feel this hate. My 'lover' planned his abuse. He collected information to do it. He set me up in situations where he became the powerful one. I remember years ago he promised he would never use my bipolar against me. He has used my diagnosis to lie to my mother, guards and judges. It is his main argument against me in court and an effective one. So yes, I hate him for that. I hate him for causing me so much terror. I hate him for making me helpless. I would deny to myself that I never felt helpless, scared or weak. I did. I hate him for putting me in a position where I pleaded for his mercy. That he denigrated me that much that I had to grovel and beg for him to stop his psychological and emotional torture. He knew how to whip me with thoughts I found hurtful and how to hit me with insulting demeaning names. No bruises on my body but there definitely is some damage in my mind. How he tried to break my already badly fractured leg during the assault in the sitting room 20th July. How he tried to isolate me from my mother and possibly prevent any means of escape I might have. He wanted to manipulate my medical treatment and control my medication. With the severe asthma I have he could have killed me. He would certainly have had the option to do so.

Yes, he does disgust me. I said that to my solicitor, and she said that was not the way to think and definitely not to say that to a judge. He does disgust me. That a human being could treat another human being like this, well namely me, is disgusting. I find him loathsome. The lowest type of life form on the planet. You are not dealing with a real human being, its true! A narcissist, and my abuser is an absolute textbook narcissist, looks human but the appearance is the only aspect they share with other humans. They are predators.

When I left, He Who Never Was I berated myself for being bullied, of course my abuse went way beyond bullying. I berated myself for being a man that was dominated by another man. Until I realised that I was not dealing with a real man, more like a Terminator. I just find that type of personality deplorable. To see people as objects! Ignore people's feelings and emotions for your own gratification! I could say I do not understand this type of person, my ex-boyfriend. I have a degree in psychology, and I can understand pathology and personality types. I have researched the narcissist; Gabriel described the personality in a chapter of this book later in this book. That is what the worst thing about this is. I do know, I even understand. Sam Vanknin's work, himself a narcissist, describes the personality in detail. He calls it pathological. I call narcissism a way of life. Even in this respect, how I judge people I now question.

With all my education and experience in life I did not see this automaton for what he was. Once I realised that He Who Never Was had the capability of physically injuring me and even planning to kill me I fled. Never before then did I see any of his behaviour as abusive. I hate him that I now doubt how I assess people when I meet them. My father was abusive but he would not plan to kill people or damage my health. I was certainly never in fear that my father would kill me and he was not physically abusive. My father was a kitten in comparison to He Who Never Was.

I cannot forgive my abuser. How can I when all these thoughts are flying around my head? I am very conscious of The Creator, my name for God, working within me. Sometimes I can feel him trying to bring the light back into my mind, to open my heart again and to reassure me that life is still good. That he has put so many nice people on this planet and grown so much beauty for every one of us to enjoy. I feel he tells me I just have to lift this veil of hatred and anger from all around me to experience this world again. I say to him I cannot. I hurt too much. What He Who Never Was did to me has shaken me to my very core. Then I feel The Creator healing me. Telling me its okay he knows this will pass and all these feelings are not who I am. The real me, the loving joyful me, is still within. That nobody can take those feelings away from me for they are part of my Spirit.

I do feel as if there is some kind of minor physical damage to my brain. So this is an existential crisis for me and I do think that spirituality is the only effective tool I can use to deal with all this. To receive the assistance of an infinitely more powerful being than any human, narcissist, court or judge. The Creator has helped a few times in the past and he is helping me now.

I thought a very important idea last night. This one I have not read on the internet. The narcissist is dominated by the ego. The Spirit; compassionate emotions, love and real joy for example is almost locked up in a cage deep, deep down in the narcissist psyche. The narcissist is dominated by their ego. The insatiable appetite to control, gratification through the infliction of pain, the planning of how to maximise the victim's terror are all components of the ego, the constant need for attention all come from the ego. Common feelings and thoughts from the ego are hate, unforgiving, intolerance, anger come from the ego. Essentially all negative thoughts, feelings and behaviours originate from the ego. All of us use the ego to some extent because the ego assists us in acquiring resources from our environment and protecting our bodies from threats. The power of the ego can become very strong, stronger than love or any positive emotions. In the case of the abuser, the narcissist, the ego reigns supreme and any other positive thinking or feeling is subjugated or may not even exist at all. In short the abuser only uses the ego as the most effective means of dealing with others. The abuser is operating through very primitive emotions yet, unfortunately, these are very effective for achieving resources and manipulating people. The abuser sees people as objects! To the abuser people are part of them and individuals do not have their own feelings or thoughts. I cannot forgive him for turning my life upside down. He can think that way and live that way but personally I deeply regret the first day I met him. He has been such a serious threat to me, even though I have not met him for three months, and to have treated me so horribly I cannot forgive him.

This I think is not healthy and certainly in myself and in my life this way of living by my abuser has caused havoc. This way of living has caused misery to millions of people. Last night I had some insight. It was an uncomfortable realization but truth tends to be that way. These feelings I am experiencing that are so strong; hatred, fear, anger, anxiety, unforgiving are of the ego. So my, as I see it, higher level of thinking that I normally experience such as joy and love has plummeted right down to the low level of the ego. That right now I am operating from the same mode of thinking and acting as my abuser. The majority of the emotions and thinking I am experiencing are similar to He Who Never Was. Abusers feel the same way, there are some psychologists and psychiatrists that teach that anger, hate and anxiety is all a narcissist feels. Any other emotions they mimic. Emotionally my abuser has brought me down to his level. I am not abusive but otherwise there is a lot of similarity between me and him at the moment.

I realised I cannot stay this way. I do not want to be like He Who Never Was. I have taken the middle ground. I have decided to use these negative emotions to propel me forward, well away from He Who Never Was. If I keep hating him, being disgusted and appalled by his fake personality and not forgiving him for his anger this will keep me moving forward. Out of the land of the in between worlds and into a brighter happier future world. Then I will have no temptation to return to him or communicate with him. I will not have the desire or feel the need to. I can look forward and not back without regret. Then when I have him well and truly out of my life I can begin to feel good about others and the world. Maybe then I can think about the good things we had, like the great sex, but not until I am in my new life without him. Then I will be in a position to have and benefit from positive thoughts and emotions.

Pride Comes Before a Fall

21st February

I have been through the whole spectrum of emotions during and after my abuse. The abuse is continuing in ways. The house needs to be put on the market, but he won't sell it. He has not lived in the house for a couple of months because he is afraid the guards will come and get him again, which is ridiculous because I am not living there. I know he has a different reason, but I do not bother second guessing him anymore. I am not manipulative like him and I do not want to be. It is bad enough that I have been overcome by a flood of negative emotions similar to how he feels, bad enough he has brought me down to his level emotionally. He will not agree to put the house on the market. I know he will continue to make my life difficult for as long as he can in any way he can. He has sent so many emails blaming me for everything. The horrible lies he told about me in court which resulted in me not receiving a safety order. I have to continue paying the mortgage even though I will not be living there. Trying to steal my money from a solicitor. This is known as financial abuse. It is going to be a long road to really get rid of He Who Never Was.

What I have realised is how pointless pride is in material things. It was very nice of the guards to accompany me to the house while I got some clothes. A younger guard kept looking at very sadly, very sympathetically. There I was with a huge suitcase, trying to get as many things as I could in one go. I know many people being kicked out of their home might lose some or all of their pride and maybe their self-respect. The guard looked as if this was a really sad event for me. Yes, it was a sad event. But even though there were two guards standing outside my door I still had a panic attack and I still ran around the house gathering as many things as I could as quickly as I could. These panic attacks when I am in my house is my body sending me out strong warning signals that I am not safe in the house. That I am not safe from He Who Never Was either. I do not ignore my gut instinct any more like I have done for eleven years. If I had listened to my instinct over the years I would not have been in this mess.

If I was so obsessed with pride I would not have talked to a judge and obtained a protection order, I would not have told the guards about He Who Never Was. I would have stayed in the house for the sake of having my own home and giving in to a tyrant like He Who Never Was. I would have stayed silent about his abuse. I have no doubt I would have been dead by now had I had been so worried about my pride and not acted as I did. Pride is the most useless of emotions.

Being forced to leave my home has been an awful experience. But it is a necessary step forward not a reason to be ashamed or to lose self-respect. The truth is if I won a million euros tomorrow and even if He Who Never Was sold his half of the property to me, I would not live in that house. There are too many bad memories. Why would I want to live in a home where my ex-partner and I had a make-believe relationship as each of us did not know who the other really was? The terrifying memories of the assaults. I just could not live there. I do not think I would be safe there anyway, what would stop Jeffrey and his brother coming over to God knows what? No, living there would not work. I miss the beautiful garden I grew and developed over the years buy of course in a legal case he'll swear I did nothing in or around the house. All the painting in and outside the house, all of it he conveniently forgot about.

I do have self-respect left despite the best efforts of He Who Never Was to strip away any self-respect or self-belief with his scathing insults and nasty remarks well-crafted to hurt me. I have a self-respect in my value as a human being. To have a right for another person not to violate my human rights and to be respected. I think it is not common for a domestic abuse victim to feel this way. I think the abuser normally beats that out of their victim physically or psychologically.

He Who Never Was may take the house. He may even fool the judges. He could get his way with everyone and take everything. He will not have me. He will never again have my body, mind or heart. What he wanted the most was me. That was what all his abuse has been about. To keep me, reduce me to the level of a slave and for me to fulfil his very desire whether I wanted to or not.

He has maintained this belief that he could keep me even though the guards arrested him and put him in jail for a night, he has been to court twice because the guards believe he broke my protection order. He will be in court to be prosecuted by the guards. Even though we are both appealing for safety orders and brought each other to court once already to do so he still thinks that we can have a relationship! He wanted to meet me on Valentine's night. He desperately hangs on to the belief we can be together again despite me telling him many times its over. It is impossible anyway what with all the legal proceedings. He can break the law, lie in court or/and take the house.

His most precious prize, me, he will never achieve. In the end, once I keep myself safe hopefully with a safety order and get a fair financial deal from him for me leaving the house, I will be the one that wins when all ties with him are cut. He will not find a man like me again. If all he had to complain about me was me taking supplements as directed by a doctor he is in for an awful shock. There is fella`s who drink, smoke, take drugs. People usually do one of these or all of them. Good luck to him finding someone else even remotely like me. When our financial affairs are settled, he will never, ever, hear one word from me again through any means of communication. He will be the one that losses no matter what else he gets to take.

That is the form of pride I still have left. I have pride in myself, who I am as a person and what I stand for. An awareness of the gifts I still have to offer others coming from my own self. Pride in the ownership of physical items like a house, a car or having a job is pointless. These things can always be taken from you or you may just lose interest in these things. It is a pride in myself and self-respect that propelled me forward to leave my abuser, not a house or even a sense of belonging among neighbours to a space I had lived in for almost eleven years. None of these things would have been any good to me if I was murdered by him interfering with my medication, causing intense pain and maiming me by breaking my fractured leg, or giving me a severe beating because I was too sick to defend myself.

You, yourself, should be what is important to you. Take pride in yourself. Know that you, or anybody else, does not deserve to be in a domestic abuse relationship.

The Cat and Mouse Game

25th February

I see myself dealing with my abuser, the interactions between us, as a cat and mouse game. Gabriel writes about this concept in the Foreword at the end of this book so look in the Foreword section for how we have developed this idea.

The cat is my narcissist and I am the mouse. I see my narcissist as a cat as he is taller and broader than me. Despite his endless complaints of his poor health he is much stronger and healthier than me. He is a predator. I see myself as a mouse. I am less strong, less healthy and smaller than him. I am kind and caring. We are not like for like. This is an unfair chase, an unequal battle for my survival and fairness economically.

How we interact I see as a cat trying to catch a mouse. My abuser is constantly plotting how to catch me out. What the best places are to ambush me, when to pounce or when to petrify me with fear into submission. Planning his abuse around the places where I am most vulnerable so as to be effective with his abuse. Studying me to learn my weaknesses and how he can expose them. Like a mouse, am just running around trying to dodge the cat. Reacting to the moves of the cat rather than planning. Running in any direction that might help me escape. Running to any place that might offer security. He has his claws outstretched toying with me at first. That is what life was like until he left the house late in November. Life is a little different now but not too different. I would say I am out just about out of reach of his claws but still within reach. It is not so easy to physically abuse me as I am not living in the house. But he still carries out psychological, emotional and verbal abuse against me. He used the court system to abuse me during my application for a safety order. His defence was a litany of untrue comments designed to hurt me. He is also practising money abuse currently. He was trying to steal my fees I paid to the solicitor. He told me if I wanted to return home, I would have to pay more for bills even though I already pay my fair share. Not that I even considered going back to him. He will not negotiate about the house. I can get anxious from time to time knowing there is a person out there who wants to kill me.

When you see a cat hunting a mouse the mouse has a few advantages over the cat. A mouse is faster than a cat. The cat can hide underneath large objects and the cat cannot catch him. I am not a stupid person. I may always be only reacting to He Who Never Was I do so with speed. I have my mother, my friend, my solicitor and even the guards advising me. The guards have been and are doing their best to protect me. So, I can run to people for protection like a mouse hides where I cat has no access.

I am not out of his reach and the hunt is far from over. I am still in danger. He could attack me with his sharp claws if he could figure out a way as I am not out of his reach yet. He has used every trick in the book to dominate me and if he can figure out another way to do so he will do so. My friend told me He Who Never Was wanted to meet me on Valentines night as he is getting desperate and wanted me to stop what I am doing-probably a beating or whatever method he would choose to do so.

Hello, My Young Self, What Do I Need You to Tell Me?

28th February

I have had to increase my anti-psychotic medication as I am becoming a little anxious and I still cannot sleep until around 3 am. I then have a nightmare of He Who Never Was when I do manage to get asleep. I am having a lot of difficulties in getting some sort of housing or even rent allowance because I already have a house. It does not matter it seems that I will be killed by my abuser if I do go back. I am meeting a man from the Simon Community who will help me make a successful application to the council for a rent payment. It is not certain that even with his help the application will be successful. My other option is to try and get a barring order against He Who Never Was but that would be even less probable. He Who Never Was knows where I am at. I am sure that he knows by not selling the house it would be impossible or very difficult to get assistance from the Council. It is just part of the abuse. At least I prevented He Who Never Was from stealing the fees I paid that solicitor.

There is all this crap going on and when I was in my gym today suddenly very helpful thoughts came into my mind. I asked myself how, as a young man in my early twenties, did I use to think. I was very mentally unwell when I was 19-21. I tried to commit suicide because I could not cope with the mania followed by deep Depression and then back to Mania and so on over and back deep depressions then extreme happiness. My mother found a really good counsellor. I had a really strong therapeutic relationship with the counsellor. He used hypnosis to help me resolve difficult life events that I experienced. We would pick a topic and he would put me under and talk about the event and somehow neutralise the memories and the pain. The therapy lasted a year and a half. I learned so much from this man, he kind of encouraged me to use my own skills to heal while he guided me and also taught me other coping skills. He does not practice any more he teaches counselling and writes books. Afterwards I finished my degree and I went travelling across the world no problem with the Bipolar.

I wondered how did I think and feel before I was involved in this relationship lasting 11 years and the 6 year relationship before that. Possibly the previous boyfriend was a narcissist too but I am not certain. I was a lot happier before these relationships. I was a very strong minded and popular teenager until the bipolar developed. When I started travelling, I spent over a year in London and almost a year travelling in other countries. While I was in the gym, I discovered I used to be so happy, excluding when the bipolar developed. Then I asked myself why? What made me happy? Was it just I met these two men who made extremely unhappy? Or was there more to this?

So, I travelled back in time in my mind to when I was a happy young man and I really experienced the way I felt 22 years ago and even why I felt so positive about myself and life. I rushed out of the gym, I was originally planning to buy a burger for dinner but instead I went to a shop across from the gym to buy something for my dinner to rush home, the thoughts I was thinking I had to write down as soon as possible. I had to write down these thoughts and not forget even one of them.

I used to 'be my own man'. I used to do what I wanted to do when and where I wanted whilst of course being respectful of other people. I did not wait for someone to rubber stamp what I wanted to do. I would not ask permission, ever, even before the counselling. I rarely did what I did not want to do. In the past couple of years that I lost all that, so busy trying to make him happy. My background is different to many domestic abuse victims as I am not co-dependent.

If anyone treated me badly, I addressed them for doing so. I did not laugh off insults. I did not take crap from anyone. I simply would not accept it. If I could not sort out their disrespect, usually verbally in a peaceful way, I just got out of their way and stayed out of their way. My younger self would have nipped all this in the bud. I would not have cared if the person treating me badly because of poor mental health or medication, as he claimed, I always would think nobody has a right to treat me badly.

As the older me developed I only addressed my narcissist when it was too late. I did stand up to him. I have had enough self-respect to leave him and just let the dice fall and see how I can develop a life without him. Still, I left it all too late. For years I believed his excuses of poor metal health. He was forever changing his medication. I did not know that what he claimed to part of his mental health issues were all part of the narcissistic personality, the anger, the depression and anxiety is who he is. The real personality beyond his false self. Him trying to get rid of these emotions, which he ended up fully accepting and delighting in the false power of his ego before I left glorying in the pain he was and still is inflicting on me, would be like cutting off a limb and expecting to walk properly. It would be like the sea without the tide. For 11 years I believed all that until he became even more abusive and I had to leave him. But my young self at the beginning would have said enough is enough and that's it. Walk away, before any harm was done or chaining myself to him by buying the house.

I did not look for approval from anyone even my friends, which was strange for a teenager. I did not care about if people thought I did a good job or not. If I was happy about what I did I was happy. If you did not like me just get out of my way and leave me alone. If ye like me I will be nice, and we will have loads of fun.

Now that I think of it way back then fun was what I wanted. I had been mentally unwell for two years. My psychiatrist said I would never get better. I did. I learned how important fun was and I knew that life was a gift not to be wasted by living it in misery. How did I forget that????

My young self always followed his heart. "He has his head in the clouds" people would say about me. I said to myself I dance to the beat of a different drum. To me back then I made no mistakes. I did what I felt was right. If what it did not work out, I still believed there was some learning in the event even if it was a bad experience. I made no mistakes! Only lessons to be learnt. This was before counsellors or doctors; I was born thinking this way.

In my relationship with He Who Never Was my heart did say that to me through my instinct something was terribly wrong. I did feel that at times. Especially when a handful of strangers over the years were repelled by him for no apparent reason. Some things would not add up, I would consider them briefly, but always I would ignore my heart and push those insightful thoughts deep down into mind. Like a teacher that does not like a student and does not listen to the student, maybe even calling him stupid, yet he probably knows more than the teacher.

As an adult I assumed my heart knew nothing. My heart knew everything about me and He Who Never Was. I did not listen. I believed after all the therapy that when I needed something it would come to me. I was a real fan of visualization. I believed that people would come my way when the time was right to help me. This in fact always happened. In later years I began to worry about not getting what I wanted or what I needed. I have become afraid that I will not get the help I need. I have strayed away from following my heart and expecting the best from life. This makes me very sad.

The biggest question my young self-asked me was a real big insight, a real whopper. A huge earth shattering, ego disabling question:

When did it happen that He Who Never Was became the centre of my world?

How did he take over every aspect of my life, exclusively?

How did I become an appendage of him?

How did I lose myself and my life into the vortex of his false self?

Why did these questions not occur to me before he became so abusive?

I was reading a book by Doreen Virtue about this subject. She is a lovely writer who was unfortunate enough to come across a really nasty narcissist that was living with her. They split up and he is trying to take half of everything she has in the courts. She said in her book that what we have in our world, in our life and in ourselves come from God. Self-help groups like GROW talk about a God centred life. Alcoholics Anonyms and others mention the same approach. This is a healing concept. What it means is seeing God at the centre of the world and the centre of your world. You are not the centre of the world. Neither is your domestic abuser the centre of your world. The only being powerful enough to give me and everyone else everything they need and want is God. My domestic abuser has no more power over me than an insect under a rock when it comes to the will of God. God is within us all. I was attending GROW meetings at one time (after I started living with, He Who Never Was. Yes, that was a warning sign I ignored) they have a very strong spiritual belief and I learned God loves me, loves everyone. So, from now on I will look to God to give me what I need and ask for his guidance.

No man will be at the centre of my world ever again. The next guy I meet must have his own life and I have mine. Never again will my whole life be about one man.

I am not beating myself up over being in this situation. I am not blaming myself either. These are comments and questions I thought when I was able to look way back over the years and somehow experience how I felt and how I lived. I will try and answer these questions. I will try and live and think this way again. Starting from now! I think this approach I had as a young man might be able to help me now.

Jeffrey`s Prosecution Trial

21st March 2017

John and I have discussed the details of this event. I have changed descriptions and details slightly and omitted others so as to protect the identities of those involved.

I have preserved the emotion and stress involved in these domestic abuse cases and the often-unfair judgements made. John has allowed me to record this event from his words to me.

Justice had not been done in John's safety order Case. This was evident by the fact that Garda White wanted to give evidence and also the behaviour of his domestic abuser in court who was reprimanded for blaspheming by the judge twice. John would often say to people when talking about this event if his domestic abuser behaved so badly in court why would a judge not realise that his behaviour would be deplorable at home? Despite the abuse of John in all ways except sexual John had maintained his psychological and emotional health much to the amazement of all those who had become involved both to support him and also his health professionals who had been dragged into this offense by what he now called his ex-partner. These thoughts streamed through John's mind as he stood with his mother and two friends waiting for his trail to begin.

The court building was made mostly of glass which the sun shone through. This had the effect of brightening the hall which troubled John because he could clearly see the people and the environment around him, he was not familiar with. He never even dreamed that he would be in a courthouse for any reason

John observed the guards in the foyer. They seemed bigger and gruffer than the guards John by now had become familiar with in his area. They looked less compassionate also.

John saw his domestic abuser walk in with his brother through the doors. His domestic abuser had a little wheeled suitcase with him staring at the ground all the while. Jeffrey walked to a small alcove and hid away from the other people who would be on trial and police as if ashamed but instead was most likely afraid of being seen in court since he was a civil servant. John thought his domestic abuser even looked different. He looked older, his hair was cropped short and dyed a kind of clown red. Jeffrey made a brief sexual pose, rolling his tongue out while pouting a kiss. Jeffrey was already attempting to manipulate John, who just quickly turned his back to him.

John wondered had he even been perceiving his ex-partner correctly on a day to day basis. Was it possible that not only did John experience the narcissist personality differently to what he was but also perceived his physical appearance differently? The man he stood not too far away from had a receding hair line as far as the middle of his scalp. His head seemed bigger somehow. He seemed really happy or drunk. Jeffrey just appeared plain ugly. John wondered would the judge immediately look at this man and see that at the very best his ex-partner was looking and behaving inappropriately. John saw Jeffreys solicitor armed with all the information John had spilled out to him in October 2016. The solicitor was behaving illegally by doing so.

Suddenly John realised he did not know his ex-partner at all, even how John saw him was inaccurate. These court events exposed his ex-partners real character which John no longer wanted to communicate with. His domestic abuser appeared as if he was hiding. The domestic abuser was standing alongside his solicitor. Jeffreys solicitor should not have taken the case as there was a conflict of interest since John had already talked to him before Jeffrey had done. Already the morning in the courthouse was weighing heavily on John.

The crowd in the court hall grew thicker with police and those who would soon be on trial. There was a convivial atmosphere among some rough looking individuals. The tough looking individuals talked to each other although they had arrived into the court hall separately. A few people looked like hardened personalities staring angrily at the police.

Despite the narcissist standing in a suit with his small wheelie suitcase he did not look out of place among the criminals. The police around John did not have the stern yet compassionate approach John had found so comforting in the local station.

His two friends and mother were making light conversation while they too sat in a building, they were obviously uncomfortable in. John became anxious and repeatedly scanned the court room looking for Garda White. John moved near the door so he would see Garda White enter the building. Soon after Garda White entered the hall John's anxiety greatly decreased and he almost became relaxed when the police man spoke to him.

Garda White handed John the statement the guard had taken when the four guards came to the house and all four unanimously agreed Jeffrey had breached the protection order. John was clearly 'In Fear' which meant essentially that he had been terrified by how Jeffrey had behaved before he fled the house.

The issue was that this was a psychological, verbal and emotional assault against John and very difficult to prove. His abuser was very adept at abusing John when in places where there were no witnesses or in ways that could not be proven. Had John sustained a broken limb there would be a better possibility of his abuser being prosecuted.

John scanned his statement for a few minutes and then Garda White took back the statement. Jeffrey`s solicitor said that he had been working on the statement with Jeffrey when he told John to speak to another Free Legal Aid solicitor. This meant John only had a few minutes to look at his statement before court. Jeffrey was working on the statements for three months with a solicitor who had a wealth of useful information about John. John talked to that solicitor in January it was now the middle of March. John wondered why was it that his domestic abuser was given his statement to be studied by him and his solicitor since January while John was only allowed to peruse his statement less than half an hour before the trial started and Jeffrey the one on trial. The Department of Public Prosecutions had decided the case should go to court so there was a possibility, in theory, this was a case strong enough to bring to court. When the case is brought to court a breach of the protection order is only an alleged breach yet to be proven to a judge. John felt a little hope, but which began to decrease further when he observed how the law drastically needed to change before he was even in the court room.

John had researched domestic abuse worldwide and in Ireland. He had discovered that right across the world there was a pervasive pattern that was disturbing yet true and supported by victims and those that accompanied them to the court. The victims that were lucky enough to still have friends and family after the attempts by the narcissist to isolate them like an injured becoming animal separated from the herd is chosen as prey by a lion. The pattern is that domestic abuse victims tend to lose their case in court. A major reason is that the victim is often too tired, stressed or may even be in the middle of a nervous breakdown. The victim is now tasked with giving evidence in court against the narcissist. The narcissist, invariably, is well prepared for court. He or she brings no emotion into the court. The narcissist controls his temper and appears as a model citizen. He can think fast and clearly as he has been unaffected by the psychological, mental, emotional, physical and sometimes sexual abuse. By the time the victim and the narcissist come to court the victim has had to jump through the hoops the narcissist holds up for them. The victim has kept up a fight against the narcissist and successfully involving the police and so the narcissist will have pressed every button known to him that will unbalance the victim. He usually succeeds. To add to the unfairness of the process the victim, as was the case for John, judges tend to not understand the gravity of the offense against the victim. The judge may be biased toward victims as they usually give evidence poorly and the narcissist often has a strong defence. The judge may simply be tired of hearing domestic abuse cases listening to what some judges feel are petty arguments.

John realised that the best he could do in court, this court date coming only two months after the safety order hearing and John was exhausted by this time, was to show his abuser John was still strong. That the narcissist had failed in breaking him down. Narcissists enjoy bringing their victim to their knees and causing a complete mental collapse in their victim for fighting back against the narcissists tyrannical rule over them. Their thinking is that their false personality was so well constructed and their 'defence' against the victim was so effective as to destroy him or her. The judge during the safety order hearing did not take John seriously, his solicitor told him the judge did not believe his story. John felt the criminal prosecution had only a tiny chance of being successful. He was determined to be strong and not give any satisfaction to his narcissist. John may even give narcissistic injury to the narcissist. Maybe his abuser would not bother him again when he sees John was still strong and accompanied with his mother and two friends who were supportive in the court hall despite them being so uncomfortable in almost alien surroundings. The only court they had seen was on Judge Judy. All these thoughts flowed through Johns mind shortly before he took the stand.

John did not have great concentration or memory due to the abuse. When Garda White handed him his statement, taken three months ago, John had little recollection of what he said that night. He could remember what happened, but the court case was about the two statements given by him and his domestic abuser. This was all standard procedure for a criminal proceeding of an alleged breach of the protection order. John perceived the odds to be stacked up against not just him but Garda White. He was being helpful by being a witness for Garda White and the local guards in return for saving his life. He owed them that much even though, due to how a victim is handled during this process, which is very unfair, he knew his case was weak. He had no physical proof that his protection order was breached that night and judges across the world, in countries where domestic abuse is illegal, do not usually favour victims unless there is physical proof of a violent assault according to research.

John was not depressed or pessimistic and at this point still had a little hope the criminal prosecution would be successful. He was being realistic. He had looked at the studies, weighed his case, and decided that the best he could do independent of the court proceedings was to give a show of strength to the narcissist. John had ignored him even as they passed by each other in the toilets that day and when the narcissist was posing sexually at him as they waited for the court room to open John turned his back to him, refusing to give any attention or narcissistic supply to his narcissist. John also ignored him in Family Court and during the safety order hearing two months ago.

John was determined to retain his dignity and self-respect, like the leaders of the Irish rebellion did when court marshalled and subsequently executed. It was paradoxical that the distant relatives of his narcissist were involved as rebels during the Easter Rising, fighting for Irish freedom, yet John faced an individual who was most certainly not concerned about the welfare of others only his own and even enjoyed their suffering. Any assistance the narcissist gave was to gain favours or so that he could enlist his family to support him, in this case he had used his family members to trap John who dared not disagree with him for fear of his assistance being withdrawn in the future.

John knew that his narcissist could take everything he owned after he left his narcissist. The narcissistic personality is remarkably uniform common to all narcissists, in times of conflict the thinking and behaviour is the same. He feared it was likely he would endure financial losses and that his home would probably be taken over, possibly without receiving any payment. No doubt his narcissist would enjoy controlling John through settling their legal affairs, as Garda White had predicted in November.

John wanted his freedom. A life spent with a narcissist would be no life at all. He would not continue to be a slave to his narcissist and his freedom was priceless, creating a new life did not seem as daunting as returning to his narcissist and enduring further torture. As John said, "There would be one thing worse than leaving him and that is living with him." As Narcissist Number 1, his previous boyfriend would often say, "You cannot make an omelette without breaking some eggs" meaning it is OK. to upset others while you put forward your own agenda in life. All these thoughts streamed through Johns mind as he sat in the courtroom. He glanced at Garda White whose gaze was fixated on the witness stand which seemed very far away, he seemed to be preparing himself mentally for the trial.

John stared at his domestic abuser sitting with his brother who was allowed view the trail as the court was an open court. Strangers had the right to sit in court while two damaged people fought in court, the victim struggling to be heard by a judge and already exhausted by the various forms of abuse the narcissist would have tortured in the months or years before. The narcissist was laughing and excited as he sat on a bench like the other thugs being tried in court. Victims are somehow expected to give well expressed evidence with all the necessary details of an event so terrifying to them the guards decide to arrest the narcissist. It is well known in psychology that such events often do not usually result in crystal clear memories. Often the trauma can be all but completely forgotten as the conscious shoves the memories into the subconscious in order to prevent a complete mental collapse to the individual whose mind cannot process the trauma. This means that many domestic abuse victims, in any courtroom across the world, will experience great difficulty in giving accurate evidence. The victim may even minimise the severity of the details in order to be able to express themselves without being reduced to an emotional mess in court. A domestic abuse victim usually cannot give evidence effectively these are just a few. It would be easy then for the narcissists solicitor or barrister to poke holes in the victim's evidence and declaring that the victim was either lying or is mentally ill.

The claim that a victim is mentally ill is a common approach by abusers and solicitors. Johns solicitor advised him in their first meeting this would be his narcissists defence in the safety order hearing. The narcissist typically is calm, cool and collected in court. Often, they are excited and amused because as they see it the entire event is all about them, just as his narcissist was enjoying himself as he sat fifteen feet away from him. Johns domestic abuser's father died from a heart attack shortly after the safety order hearing. John discovered this by looking at his domestic abuser's Facebook page. He had even sent condolences to his narcissist by email.

John observed how happy his domestic abuser looked in court, he was completely devoid of any signs of grief or even a trace of sadness. His brother sat beside him staring at the ground as he had done since he entered the court. John had forged a relationship with his narcissists brother over the years. They were two very different people and they both found it difficult to communicate with each other, John freely admitted he could not stand the man in the early years. John remembered how this man visited him in hospital when John broke his leg and burst out crying when he saw John so vulnerable and incapacitated. Over years they simply accepted each others' differences. Not because they were told to behave amicably toward each other they came to respect each other.

They both looked beyond what they could not understand about each other and saw each other's similarities. John knew this man did not want to be in this court room. He knew he would be devastated over his father's death as they were best friends as well as father and son. It was the greatest act of selfishness John had ever seen the narcissist commit against his family, bringing his deeply grieving brother into a courtroom where his brother's boyfriend was testifying against him as a witness, his brother the subject of a criminal trial. John was aware he was not concentrating that day.

John knew he should have been focusing on the task in hand thinking of his statement and what he needed to say but he had been traumatised. His brain was trying to process massive amounts of information from the past, present and future which all joined up at this intersection in the court room when so many events and thoughts were suddenly making sense.

John was losing his grasp on the present in the courtroom, unable to focus on the trial. He was beginning to dissociate, his mind refusing to stay in the room and even attempting to almost leave his body trying to deny the existence of what was about to begin. John's chances of giving evidence effectively were already slipping away before he even reached the witness stand while his narcissist had been told to go to the dock where the criminals wait to give evidence. Garda White began to read out the statement John gave when he pressed charges. The Judge interrupted him and told the guard to hand him the statement he could read it himself. This was the second judge to treat Garda White in what John saw as a disrespectful manner.

John was called to the witness stand. He walked up the aisle determined to keep himself together and give evidence in an effective manner even though he knew the possibility of the domestic abuser being prosecuted was less than one percent - the technical statistic in domestic abuse cases world wide - since John had no wounds, bruises or breakages but the emotional wounds John sustained were deep and almost psychologically crippling. His abuser had been very adept at severely abusing John and no physical marks.

The judge sat above all the people in the court. His domestic abuser turned around and grinned at John. John took the stand and briefly registered the people around him. Garda White and the rest of the guards were sitting near him and this momentarily comforted him. He looked to his left and observed Jeffreys solicitor, himself after breaking the law by not giving conflict of interest in favour of John who he had met first, now defending another criminal. Both law breakers had two months to prepare while John had five minutes to prepare in a courthouse.

John looked up above him to see the judge glowering at him from above. His eyes narrowed and he was practically snarling at John. He looked at his abuser. He sat reverently looking at the judge prepared to listen to every word he said. John had never seen his domestic abuser to appear like this to any individual in any situation. He never listened to anybody. He butted in to people`s conversations regularly. He was too self- important to let people finish their sentences; John rarely allowed express himself without interruption. He was sitting the way people do when they kneel in church to receive Holy Communion, sitting piously. John knew his solicitor had advised him to sit this way. John knew from the Safety order hearing the importance of body language when communicating with the judge.

John had received very little preparation for this hearing. He was shown his statement the night before the trial and just before he entered the courtroom. He was advised by his solicitor during the preparation for the safety order hearing he did not need a solicitor that the state is prosecuting the alleged criminal break of a protection order and the domestic abuse victim is a witness. John felt like he was the law breaker here. What was his crime? Daring to expose his narcissist to the world? Defending himself by involving the law? John was weaker than his domestic abuser who was a little over six foot and physically very healthy and strong despite his constant hypochondria. Jeffrey lied about John to anyone who would listen.

John dared to shake the shackles off himself that his narcissist was insisting he wear. In doing so his abuser exposed himself to John what he really was. In the final months his narcissist no longer pretended to John that he was nothing other than an abusive bully that revels in other people's misfortune and enjoys inflicting pain. The mask his narcissist wore he had taken off completely and his personality and behaviour were the exact opposite to the helpful and caring person John believed him to be. Any assistance his abuser gave to others came with a price; they would owe him their support if he needed it. He had called in all his favours from his family to take part in further abusing John which is called domestic abuse by proxy. Any kindness his domestic abuser had shown him, any fun they had together and the home they shared and both paid for, were now expected to be returned. The price was Johns enslavement and as his abuser attempted to tighten his chains in 2016 John had to fight for his freedom. His narcissist had declared all-out war so as the prevent the downfall of his false personality and the exposure of the abomination that he was. There are those who say that John had many good times with his ex-partner. John would always reply was it worth it? A few nice holidays and nights out in return for the infliction of pain and torture, losing his home and so much more taken from him? No, no individual should pay that much for the 'friendship' or 'love' of another. John was not given love and deeply regretted having even met his narcissist not to mention wasting eleven years with him. He would say the first day he met Jeffrey was the worst day of his life.

I will explain further on in this book how this relationship came to be and was maintained. Some may be shocked to discover the full truth and the dynamics of these relationships which is far more complicated than simply the domestic abuser abusing the victim.

John sat in the stand and prepared himself mentally for the second cross questioning in two months. He repeated to himself to make a show of strength to his narcissist who would hopefully be scared off from then on as a result. That way John would win whether the judge would listen to him or not. As the judge was staring down at John in an unfriendly manner John instinctively knew that even before John said a word the judges body language suggested strongly that the guards would not be successful in their prosecution. John experienced a psychological response that he had only once felt before which was the dis-association he felt in the Safety order 'hearing' he had never experienced before in this court environment. He could feel himself retreating into the deeper recesses of his mind, psychologically withdrawing from the environment that now became very disturbing to him. This is called dissociation; it is a shock response. Jeffrey was successfully maintaining his pious appearance that his solicitor must have trained him to do, a look John had never seen on Jeffrey. Garda White led the questioning. John began to panic internally. Where was the solicitor acting on behalf of the guards? John understood the Department of Public Prosecutions employed a solicitor to represent the department in court. John retreated into himself further. A white light was surrounding him so that he could barely see the judge, Garda White or any other person. He could barely perceive the court room through this white light. The circus began.

The judge said something that was incomprehensible to John.

Garda White asked "John can you tell the court what happened on the 24th November" John replied "Jeffrey is very abusive. He shouts and roars for hours on end sometimes for almost 72 hours. He goes red in the face with anger. He has assaulted......"

The judge interrupted "Garda White remind Mr Dunne that the event in question is the event of the 24th of November."

The guard asked "John what happened on the 24th of November?" At this time John could barely hear the guard through the haze of light.

John replied, his mind becoming increasingly confused as he retreated further into himself unable to tolerate the court setting and the judge.

"He had been very psychologically and verbally abusive for a few days. He had been following me into every room shouting at me even though I pleaded with him to stop shouting at me. I sat down to watch television. He came into the sitting room and demanded that I tell him what I was going to say in court. I had to buy a safe and put my medication into it as he was stealing my medication which is a crime."

The judge made another statement that was incomprehensible to John. Garda White said "And how did that make you feel?" John knew that his narcissists defence would be that John had been and was mentally unwell which was aggravated by the use of steroids for asthma and supplements. This was partly true but the inference would be steroids for body building and supplements that were bad for John. The supplements helped John maintain good mental health and his narcissist even admitted that he knew this. The steroid inhaler was necessary for John to breath. The best lies have a kernel of truth to mislead anyone listening to the lie and this was what the narcissist was doing in court.

The solicitor had satisfied himself that night when John was requesting legal advice that Johns complaints showed that he was dealing with a domestic abuser yet still decided to represent Johns domestic abuser. Actions he could have been disbarred for and not allowed to practice again. John knew that to answer the question how he felt that night would play into the hands of the solicitor so he kept the answer brief.

"He scares me when he gets so angry, that night how he spoke to me I was being interrogated." John repeated that stealing medication and interfering with the doctor patient relationship was illegal, a fact that the previous judge ignored. The judge John was faced with also ignored the fact.

John was wondering when the Department of Public Prosecutions solicitor would question him. John knew he was supposed to look at the judge when speaking but his gut feeling was telling him the judge was not interested in his evidence and even less interested in the events that night which had so disturbed his domestic abuser he obtained a Protection order the following day in retaliation to John calling the guards and pressing charges. An action that his solicitor advised would be understood by a judge to be a vengeful act.

In summary the judge was not interested in John's story and showed his disinterest from the beginning. His domestic abuser was not asked to give evidence.

His solicitor practically jumped from his seat with excitement to make his closing speech "Mr Dunne you use body building supplements do you not?"

John replied "Do I look like a body builder to you?"

"Just answer the question Mr Dunne do you take body building supplements and steroids" "That was six months ago" John blurted, unsure of what the solicitor said not even understanding what he meant as he was continuing to disassociate and withdraw mentally from the court and everyone present in the room.

"Your honour I say that Mr Dunne has been and is mentally unwell." John's assumption had manifested.

The solicitor continued with his lies. "You have left the family home Mr Dunne?" John had been forbidden by the judge to discuss any other subject or event to do with him and his domestic abuser except what happened the night Jeffrey broke the protection order but somehow Jeffreys solicitor was allowed ignore what happened that night and discussed the future of the family home. It was obvious the bias the judge had against John. Jeffrey turned his head quickly and smiled threateningly at John.

John replied with a raised voice which further went against him as he could see the judge frowning "No I have not. I have left temporarily it is not safe for me to live there right now."

His solicitor fired his questions like bullets at John which stressed John. "You have left the family home Mr Dunne"

"No I have not."

"Your honor my client is now officially ending the relationship with Mr Dunne despite Mr Dunne`s continued communication."

The solicitor stared at John for a reaction. At this time nothing would surprise John and he had resigned himself to what was obvious which was the bias of the judge, the crooked nature of his abuser's solicitor and John's own inability to express himself in court effectively.

This was not a fair trial – John was to be only a witness. All the trial had been based on John's responses as if he were the criminal. His domestic abuser had not even been questioned.

John concentrated on staying strong despite the living nightmare that he found himself in. Not to give his narcissist the pleasure of him breaking down John continued to maintain his original objective. To give a show of strength so the narcissist would not bother him again.

John said "That's fine with me. I ended the relationship in November on the 24th. He communicates with me not I with him. He even asked me out on Valentines............"

The judge interrupted and John understood what the judge said this time "I have heard enough. Mr Dunne be seated."

John walked off the stand solidly, well collected, confidently and with pride surprising himself again with his inner strength. He was determined to show Jeffrey he was strong and a force to be reckoned with, this was his objective as he had read about so many victims across the world failing in prosecutions. Uncannily it was also the case across the world that once victims gave evidence in court the Public Prosecutions barrister would typically do nothing to defend the domestic abuse victims.

A row of guards congratulated John on doing well with giving evidence. John knew they were only being kind and wanted to reassure him. John sat at the back of the court, when he was a teenager he often sat at the back of the church fearing the judgement of God for his sexual thoughts about men.

John feared this judgement too which was clear to John the verdict would not be in his favour or the guards.

The judge said with a tone of aggravation "This event just seems to me to have been a small argument".

The judge continued this time criticizing both John and the guards "I sit here every Wednesday listening to these types of cases. Nearly all of them should not be brought to court. They are not serious enough to be brought to court."

That was all John needed to hear. He realised he was right. The judge had judged him before he opened his mouth from the beginning of him giving evidence which explained the observations and feelings John had about the judge as he sat in the stand.

John did not want to hear any more from this biased kangaroo court and walked out the door even as the judge spoke. He did not want his narcissist to tease him that he was exonerated in a court of law of John's claims of abuse or for him to be fed attention from Jeffrey. John walked quickly over to his mother and two friends who were sitting quietly all with hands clamped in front of them as if praying.

"How'd it go John?" his mother asked. It was clear that the hearing had not gone well. John looked disgruntled and disappointed.

He said while fighting back his tears "He lied, his solicitor lied. That's fine I knew that would happen. But I stayed strong which was my objective and did not give him the benefit of breaking down as a lot of domestic abuse victims do during these cases".

John was not broken by what he saw as additional abuse from his abuser's solicitor and even by the judge because through his bias and his minimization of domestic abuse he had stated in his judgement. John did not collapse in a heap overcome with emotions like many domestic abuse victims. He remained strong.

John beckoned his mother and friends to move quickly out of the court house. He did not want to give his narcissist any narcissistic supply. As they walked toward the door John looked back. His narcissist was laughing with his solicitor. His brother was despondent and was staring at the floor not smiling and appearing ashamed.

John could understand a person's need to lie to cover up his guilt in court, even a solicitor lying on his behalf, but not enjoying the court battle and sadistically laughing at John's misfortune because John had told the only the truth.

The benefit of this court event was that John succeeded in projecting his show of strength which benefited him in the future as Jeffrey never accosted him at any time after the case and soon John learned that Jeffrey had indeed been frightened off all communication from him had ceased much to John's delight. Many appreciated how strong John was and also the true ugly nature of what he would call from now on his ex-partner.

John not only saw the mask of his narcissist completely removed in court. He saw the chilling nature of his domestic abuser's sadism, that this man was a stranger he never knew. He had spent eleven years acting out a personality to impress John which was not his real personality. John glanced at his domestic abuser who appeared to be enjoying the funniest joke in the world, their relationship, thinking the man was an actor of Hollywood proportions to fool John into thinking that he was a decent man for eleven years.

Another benefit of John giving evidence was that John saw the true nature of his abuser and from that point on there was no going back. John implemented No Contact immediately even as he left the court house.

No Contact is a method used by victims which is not to contact the narcissist at all to starve the narcissist of attention and in so doing the domestic abuser loses interest in the victim and moves on to other victims. This is the first step to take toward survivor status. No Contact will be discussed later in this book.

John realised that all the law breaking, the violence and the multiple lies to state authorities was partly explained by the fact this his domestic abuser was a heartless, cruel thug at heart. The court hearings provided John with the clear truth of who his narcissist really was which was the absolute antithesis of the high morals that John aspired to every day. John could no longer procrastinate or make-believe about the nature of who he called from that day forward his ex-partner. He whisked away his mother and two friends out of the court so as not to give the narcissist any attention or narcissistic supply. John would not grant his abuser any satisfaction in gloating at John as he revelled in the vindication the judge gave him, effectively that his abuser's treatment was not only reasonable but normal in the eyes of the judge. That John had been almost pushed into insanity meant nothing to the judge.

John had not been represented by a solicitor in the prosecution so the point of psychological abuse could not have been driven home to the judge by just John alone. Although John found the inactive behaviour of the solicitor upsetting, he even surmised that he should have brought a solicitor himself as his abuser was not even questioned during the trial, he knew that the biased judge would not have been swayed by even the most competent solicitor in Ireland. As John sat in the dock his gut feeling was correct. The judge already believed John was the trouble maker as he glowered down at John from his elevated position. John was judged probably even before the judge read his statement.

His domestic abuser had underestimated John by not factoring John's psychological and emotional resilience into his plans to dominate John. A friend later said his domestic abuser must be so angry that John is so well and even confident. The misfortune for the narcissist being that his false self and the revelation of what he truly is did not seriously affect John. Having a psychology education John learned quickly of the deception and lies that was the false self-created by his domestic abuser. John decided after the court events he would begin dealing with his psychology and emotions.

John's mother and his two friends were proud that John cooperated with the guards by testifying in court against his abuser. His two friends, and John, were not at all surprised that his abuser was found innocent. Judges in Ireland are well known in to be biased against law abiding citizens and in favour of criminals. In 2017 a judge in Kerry District Court gave a one year suspended sentence to a child abuser for molesting a young girl and it was clear from the judges behaviour she was more interested in the psychological well being of the molester than the girls life that had been ruined, who had bravely testified against her abuser being overcome with tears several times as she did so. There have been countless other ludicrous sentences, and far too many criminals found innocent by Irish judges. It is as if the person who is the victim of the crime is the one on trial in Irish courts. In 2018 a woman had been raped by a group of sports people. The prosecution barrister did nothing while the woman was grilled by five solicitors, one solicitor for each of the 5 sports persons.. She lost the case. There was public outrage and a mass demonstration was held in support of the raped woman. She received a public apology from one solicitor that represented the sportsman.

John took time to heal using Melanie Tonia Evan's Quantum Freedom healing which he began in February 2017 just before the prosecution case. He experienced much relief from his psychological pain. I have written some details of this healing programme when I discuss the different approaches to healing from narcissistic abuse. John applied for legal aid in December 2016. The Free Legal Aid Board had decided in January 2017 that mediation was not appropriate in John's case due to the behaviour of Jeffrey. The board would provide a solicitor to represent him in court should he or his abuser decide to take court action to deal with the family home. Had his narcissist not been so manipulative and aggressive the board would most likely have insisted on mediation. Unfortunately John was to encounter yet further difficulty in procuring legal representation for severing legal ownership of the property for which he paid half the mortgage with his ex-partner and asked for the assistance from a very unlikely source.

The Medical Model

I have achieved a Psychology Degree from University College Dublin. I have a Counselling Certificate form University College Maynooth and I am a fully qualified life coach. I am not a psychiatrist so this chapter about the medical model of the domestic abuser is not a medical chapter. I am not a psychiatrist but I certainly would consider myself to have an educated opinion on these matters. I am qualified to offer some insight and criticism of the psychiatric explanation of the personality of the domestic abuser; what psychiatry has labelled narcissistic personality disorder from the psychological viewpoint. Psychology has much insight to offer on the explanation of the medical model of mental illness and the narcissistic personality disorder. Life coaching has also been proven to be useful for explaining and dealing with aspects of this so-called disorder.

John spoke about his need for understanding. John had come to realise that his well-being would depend on informing himself about the person he was dealing with. He began to learn about He Who Never Was, aspects of this person that shocked him, yet John's instinct had hinted at for a very long time. What he said to me when we were discussing this was, he was very grateful that nobody told him about all the details of the personality type of his domestic abuser and his psychology. Had John been told the facts about his abuser's thinking and 'emotions', such as they were, his resolve would have crumbled in terror of his seemingly formidable predator. Garda White was the first to indicate the facts of what John was dealing with. He told John just the right amount of what John needed to know to help him leave the narcissist. As time progressed and his case went to Family Court John realised that he had to learn the "nature of the beast" to attempt to be successful in court. To recap John's safety order was struck out as was the narcissist`s application. Then his narcissist was found not guilty in court while the prosecution barrister said not a word during the whole trial.

John did not suspect something was seriously wrong with this judgement until he spoke to a Garda from his local Garda station on the phone while enquiring to speak to Garda White. The guard said to him that he should have been given a protection order until the appeal. The appeal did not go ahead as the narcissist was found not guilty. Garda White was willing to be a witness during the appeal to, John's solicitor advised against an appeal especially having Garda White as witness that the judge would see John as badgering Jeffrey. John later discovered his solicitor was very good friends and spoke well of Jeffreys prosecution trial solicitor. Ever since then John believes that there could have been collusion between the two solicitors and given the illegal behaviour of Jeffreys solicitor it was not impossibility.

The guard said it was very unusual for a Garda to attend court to give evidence and not be allowed give evidence about the circumstances of the applicant. As John was making his statement to the guard he blurted out that he was very scared. He needed to take his clothes from the house and had no protection. The guard said that Garda White had taken two criminals to court. He took John's number. The guard said to John he would be provided with a Garda escort to take his things away safely. He understood why John would be worried. He told John he had been correct in talking to the guards first in his situation and he was wise to proceed as he was doing. Once again John was protected by the guards but not by the 'justice system'.

I want to digress from John's story for this chapter and explore the real processes of domestic abuse within the abuser himself. I want to describe in a technical sense this subject but hopefully in a way that is easily understood. I want to write about exactly why I think this happened to John and why this happens to abuse victims.

One night I happened to be dipping into my LinkedIn account. I glanced into an account and I saw a name of a woman called Audrey Michelle. She is an author and a domestic abuse advocate. She has much experience and knowledge. She sent me a page of her work to be included in this book which is found in the chapter "Other Views Of Domestic Abuse Professionals". I have also included a beautiful poem she wrote after the introduction. She has other connections in social media to sites that offer advice on domestic abuse. Audrey will advise what can be done in an up front and frank manner. I would recommend victims to friend Audrey Michelle on LinkedIn and Facebook.

Thanks to Audrey much of my knowledge increased when she advised me to reads the writing of a man called Sam Vanknin and his book The Malignant Narcissist. Vanknin sheds so much light on this subject. He also has many videos on YouTube which are very helpful and informative.

I myself had to build up the courage to conduct the medical research for this book which was not my original intention. This book was intended to describe John's experience with his abuser. Yet for us to speak and write about his abuse experience and how his abuser was manipulating not only him but the Irish judicial system we had to have some understanding of the thinking behind his abuser's mask of professionalism, conviviality and reasonableness which his abuser was so effective at projecting. In layman's terms we had to try and have some understanding of the 'house devil' and the 'house angel'. This book is to help understand domestic abuse through Johns experience, I felt that we needed to inform people also and then to make sense of John's experience or at least try to. While I did not feel up to the task it became necessary to have some technical information to guide John on the next stage of his odyssey for freedom. As an author I needed to get to grips with the subject matter of the narcissistic personality disorder in order to understand John's current predicament and to write accurately about this condition.

The knowledge John gained was too late for his court dates, however his solicitor was very aware of the dangers and possibilities. What John did learn was that he was in a lot more danger potentially than he ever thought possible. He really did have to tread very carefully from this point on especially since he had not been granted a safety order. The fears he thought might be alarmist were only the minimum of danger he was faced with.

I am offering my explanation of this situation. How I think John's abuser's personality, in fact personalities, came to develop. I will write about my ideas on treating this personality as a medical illness. There is an entry from John about what he feels about the use of the concept also. I will describe here how this condition can influence the business of the legal system. This condition affects all other social, economic, diplomatic and even governmental levels of a state.

It is not just an individual or individual's that are affected by the narcissistic personality. It is a condition that pervades society on all levels. All levels of society are affected by this scheming predator hiding behind that smiling, friendly often professional mask. I write from John's experience of how his abuser manipulated him with such skill emotionally, psychologically, physically and legally. I also have my own educational background to assist me and to give a critique of this theory.

John is a highly intelligent man. He has been in very dangerous situations before having to grapple with his domestic abuser. Still John often felt 'hijacked' by his abuser. John worked hard to escape his abuser. Yet he felt he was "Always reacting never planning or planning inefficiently". This is a common theme in John's entries. Unfortunately, John was correct. The fairness and protection John received was rarely planned by John. Never taken by him as a given. His abuser was attempting to deconstruct, and successfully in many instances, any defences John had constructed to protect himself with. Often a defence, usually judicial, would fail. The defences he was offered during his escape which was often the result of the kindness of those who knew and loved him.

There was also the hugely helpful unexpected kindness from his local garda station. Two judges were not understanding of John's predicament, they were dismissive in fact, and the guards gave him protection. In John`s last court case a judge was understanding of John`s predicament. Garda White and other highly professional and caring guards protected him and John has no doubt he would be dead if it were not for these extremely professional and wise guards which continued even when John had not been granted a safety order. The local garda station had correctly determined John's abuser was the problem even if the judicial system had not. Possibly the guards in the local Garda Station were less bedazzled with the abuser's career than the judges were.

I want to suggest how it is possible that this can happen and my views on the medicalization of a certain character that to me simply describes a morally bankrupt individual.

Jeffrey`s behaviour is diagnosed as narcissistic personality disorder. To me these words serve to help society become more comfortable with a character that is both anti-social yet very social. It is a term that attempts to make us comfortable with what we are already comfortable with! Many career conscious people have narcissistic personality disorder. Teachers, guards, civil servants, judges, politicians, diplomats, doctors – any professional type of employment has Narcissists involved. They also congregate at a political level. The more professional and higher up the hierarchy the more the likelihood the employment will be peopled by narcissists. Many of these professionals' manifest as abusers of some form outside and sometimes inside their work environment such as domestic abusers, sadists, masochists and child abusers. They use their professional positions to appear reliable and decent as in John Dunn's court cases. Narcissism falls under the psychiatric class of Cluster B which include major personality disorders among these are psychopaths and child abusers. An understanding of Cluster B personalities is helpful though a grim reality.

The purpose of the narcissist is really all about control. According to Vanknin in his book The Malignant Narcissist the narcissist is more like a machine. I will write some of the main points made by Vanknin but Vankin will describe the narcissist in much more vivid detail in his book, website and YouTube videos.

I describe the process a bit differently too. I hope to make this concept more understandable despite the psychiatric terminology. His theory is a workable theory because Vanknin describes so succinctly this supposed personality disorder.

The narcissist finds a 'source', the person who will be his victim. This source is an energy supply for the narcissist. The source must be applicable for it's needs. Possibly several sources will be weighed up and compared to find the ideal source. The ideal source is the victim who will give more return for the energy spent by the narcissist on 'keeping' the source. The narcissist will attract the victim. They will search for any weak points they can use to manipulate their victim. The more the weak points the better. The source will be attracted by what Vanknin describes as a signal. The narcissist lets everyone know he or she is on the prowl. Once the victim approaches the narcissist works at impressing the source in whatever way the source is best impressed. This could be in terms of career, sport, social or sexual prowess.

There are many types of bait the narcissist uses to trap the source. Once trapped the narcissist will idolize the source. The typical cycle begins of what is termed idolize, devalue and discard. The narcissist sees the new victim, or narcissistic supply as perfect. The vessel of everything he needs and desires. The perfect energy supply. The victim will be made feel very special as he or she is the life source of the psychology of the narcissist. The narcissistic supply is the energy the victim provides in terms of inflating the narcissist. This can last a few months a few years or even over a decade or more. The more important the source is as part of the narcissist's respectability or life objectives the longer the 'relationship' will last. There will always come a time, the devaluing stage, where the narcissist will not admire the source any longer. He is bored or the victim disagrees with him.

The victim may start to see the narcissist for who or what he or she really is. The narcissist reacts angrily, possibly violently, in an effort to quieten the narcissistic supply and to maintain his or her shaky delicate personality that is being maintained constantly and at all costs. The narcissist is always his or her primary concern (I will write he as the plural for he and she but it is important to note that statistically both male and females narcissists are of equal number in the world) are as himself above all, not ever anybody else. If his victim has the audacity to disagree with him, then follows an all out assault on the victim. The victim was ever only in the life of the narcissist to help him feel good about himself. To assist him or her prop up his grandiose personality based in an overinflated ego that is not supported by fact.

The narcissist, despite the bravado and wielding of abuse, is really like a house of cards. The source is there to give attention to the narcissist's false self – the persona which he uses to hide his predatory nature. When the victim is no longer this source of energy the narcissist turns on the victim. Suddenly, quickly and with utter detachment he or she downgrades the victim. Using any weapon in his arsenal most effective in devaluing him or her. The narcissist fights to maintain the source of narcissistic supply as it begins to dwindle. The perfect person is no longer perfect. A psychological, emotional, physical, sexual assault, possibly all of these, will ensue. The source is discarded, like husks of dried wheat. Then the narcissist simply attracts a new source and the cycle begins again. The victim is left spinning and at this point in his life John writes "I woke up beside a stranger. I did not know this man". The narcissist only feels he exists when he or she has a victim in a 'relationship'. I write 'relationship' because this is not a love or caring coupling between two people, all this is in essence is the narcissist performing behaviours to keep and extract his narcissistic supply, just like a drug addict. This is not a relationship as normal people associate the word with. The relationship is really just a series of behaviours exchanged between two people as Vanknin describes so well.

There is no singular core personality within the narcissist. The narcissist has different personalities for use depending on who they are speaking to, the environment they are in and the task they wish to carry out. The narcissist personality is an array of personalities that they have created and proven to be successful for the given task or interaction. The victim provides the most constant company for the abuser, so the interactions chosen and the reactions from the victim form the 'feel' of a personality for the abuser. Hence the victim, in the desired state of being that suits the narcissist, is crucial for the narcissist in order to feel alive.

What lies beneath the narcissist's personalities? Why this circus of disconnected personalities over the lifetime of a narcissist that are connected by the tent formed by the narcissistic supply from the domestic abuse victim? What is real in this individual that exists without the prop of her or his victim?

The answer is shockingly simple. Almost nothing, really just a physical body almost empty of psychological and emotional capacity. The primary emotions of a narcissist in the absence of a victim or narcissistic supply are fear, depression and aggression. These are constant emotions within an abuser at the best of times. The smiling, joking, convivial, reasonable, confident, professional person at the same time is constantly struggling to hide the anger, aggression and self-loathing that forever boil below that fake personality.

When a narcissist smiles, they are probably thinking how they pity the person, how insignificant the individual is and certainly how inferior the person is to them. Make the miserable little man laugh, relieve him from his hellish life of mediocrity, the narcissist might well think. The narcissist will not joke about himself because he thinks he is far too important and is too perfect, yet he will readily jeer others, often in a thinly veiled personal attack on his victim.

The narcissists "emotional landscape is dim and grey as though through a glass darkly" (Vanknin 2010). Vanknin states that positive emotions are tied to negative emotions. The narcissist grew up in a world where his parents were unpredictable. At times one or both parents were probably very abusive. At other times the child was idealized by the parents. He or she was perfect and would be everything his parents wanted him to be, what they themselves had failed to be. This caused fear and anger in the child. The young child decided that if he or she could lock away this part that was frightened and angry at people while emulating and exaggerating the grandiose, funny and happy emotions he or she would find it easier to exist.

This means that the emotions of care, love and happiness are mimicked not experienced or truly felt. When emotions occur within the narcissist as a reaction to the behaviours of others the emotions are not fully formed or understood. The narcissist himself or herself does not understand what he experiences, let alone the emotions of others. Emotions are learned like the notes of a tune and have only that abstract meaning. The narcissist does not feel in the typical sense. He or she does not have emotional qualities. Only a system of learned words and behaviours that he associates with each emotion. If a person smiles at him maybe he is liked. If a person laughs maybe something is funny. Vanknin would know, he is himself a narcissist! Hence the cover image of this book which is a violent robot concealed by the flesh of a man. The flesh of a woman could cover the robot too. But really in my view we are not discussing a human here as there is little of the human aspect except for how the narcissist physically appears. Even a narcissist's appearance is used to trap its prey in a web of deceit and control.

John talked about he felt at times that his abuser was studying him when he would become intensely upset. He was right, his abuser was studying him. He was trying to understand John's upset and most likely how to recreate it. Hence the long hours of questioning that took place on the holiday. How his abuser would stop in mid-sentence as he hurled abuse at John, suddenly asking him what he had said that upset John, was an example of this learning. His abuser was not only trying to learn what really made John tick in order to completely dominate him, he was trying to fathom the very depth of emotion that John was feeling with such excruciating genuine pain. His abuser was puzzled not only why John was in emotional pain but also what that meant to John.

John's narcissist learned that John really did experience genuine incredibly intense human emotion at a level that most humans are fortunate not to, an element of Bipolar. This is simply how John is 'wired'. The narcissist learned that this intensity of emotion in John, despite psychiatric medication that thankfully helps him dull these emotions, was what John often struggled to contain. What was important to John to maintain the equilibrium of his mind was to have a reasonable control of this sensitivity to the emotions of others and the strength of his own emotions. A fact John had learned many years ago and in time managed well.

His narcissist began to roar and shout angrily at John for long periods of time, 12 hours at a time maybe sometimes most hours of an entire weekend, having learned that this would encourage those terribly intense emotions to arise and amplify and cause great discomfort to John. This would upset most people but was agonising to John. If his abuser shouted and roared loud enough including the correct use of certain threats at then he could punish John. In time his abuser learned how to do this.

When his narcissist told John he was about to "punish him" for whatever imagined slight John had done, John knew what was about to happen. His abuser would carry on shouting at him threateningly for long enough, being emotionally, psychologically and verbally abusive for as long as John could stand and beyond what John could tolerate. His abuser forced John to go beyond this psychological and emotional threshold.

His abuser could summon the very much magnified emotions that were catastrophic for John to experience as he struggled to maintain control of his emotions, at such a high-level inducing panic and terror in John as John struggled to control his emotions. For hours John would beg his abuser to stop shouting but his pleas would not stop him. These experiences he writes about in his entries about his abuse.

The stroke of sadistic genius was that there are some people, many Irish judges and judges across the world, that would think that this sort of behaviour should not strike terror into an individual. But then, everyone has their own private version of hell. A judge said to John that weekend arguments should not be so stressful for him. He thought they were only "little arguments" and the guards should not have brought the case before him. Yet the playing on John's emotions were the worst torture that he could imagine given his bipolar condition and his daily struggle to control his emotions with everyday events. Jeffrey was torturing John in a way that appeared innocuous, but his psychiatrist was abhorred and amazed that John was functioning at, albeit hanging onto his mental health just with his finger nails hanging on the rock edge dangling over the precipice of insanity. John knew he had to maintain a level some level of good mental health for if he did not he may not have the wherewithal to escape his narcissist completely.

I question the theory that narcissistic personality disorder is a mental illness. I will not protest too much because I have always believed that psychiatry is a very necessary medical discipline, but I believe is too quick to label certain human conditions as an illness. An example is the Psychiatric Diagnostic and Statistical Manual Of Mental Disorders that psychiatrists use to diagnose. This is a manual that is compiled from hospital data on patients, the army and other sources. It is compiled in America from patients treated in America and also used in Europe. Immediately I have concern that psychiatrists assume that data on mental processes from patients in America can be generalized to people on the European continent, Britain and Ireland. While all humans are quite similar, I think it is fair to say cultures are very different. This is part of the richness of life.

There has been a lot of controversy on the suitability of this manual for so many different cultures. There is the issue of what I just mentioned that of possible cultural bias. Another issue that is debated even now is that this manual describes unwanted human characteristics as symptoms (Wikipedia 2017). These manual attempts to draw a line between what is normal and what is not. I question that there is a true division, in my experience people are too individual to be 'normal' and even if this is so who or what defines normal? This manual is one of the psychiatric measurements. his manual has made profits of $100 million of purchases since its first publication.

What I did not approve of when I was studying psychology was this manual is updated every six years. An average of 100 extra diagnoses per annual publication. In physical medicine there is nowhere near such a rapid development of physical illnesses. I personally question the usefulness of this manual. I hope I am explaining well that psychiatric diagnosis is not an exact science, far from it in my opinion. I do admit psychiatry is a needed profession and very often compassionate and professional people are involved. Yet diagnosis such as domestic abusers and even serial killers are simply mentally ill. I strongly disagree and I will explain why below.

My beliefs, as a psychologist and life coach, clash somewhat with the psychiatric profession. In the case of personality disorders I do not believe putting a label on how people think and behave is an accurate or effective process to treat a person by saying they are ill when they are being who they are. I believe that the narcissist is behaving as they are with some conditions and it is better to study and address their behaviour and thinking while possibly using medication also. A label of illness can limit the understanding a person can gain of themselves. Why not help the person discover who they are while controlling any damage they are capable of doing to themselves or others as in the case of narcissists?

Many mental health issues are, as described in psychology, organic. People can become depressed because of a lack of sunshine. There are those who physically pass out when stressed. There are mental health issues with a corresponding physical basis in the persons make up. Sometimes medication helps. At other times medication does not work nor is medication always the best option. It is often difficult to determine how much treatment or what treatment should be selected by the psychologist and by the psychiatrist. It is the psychiatrist makes the final decision in mental health clinics.

John was diagnosed with the most severe form of bipolar disorder. At the beginning when his bipolar developed it caused pandemonium within him and all who knew him. He was fortunate to meet the right people - professionals, counsellors, psychologists, self-help groups, particular authors who guided him with their words in their books. He often, not always, met supportive friends. He had a very supportive mother. He received the correct medical treatment eventually.

John's way of dealing with his diagnosis was to go on a personal odyssey to discover who he is. He eventually discovered what triggered his bipolar, what situations to avoid that stressed him too much, what maximised his bipolar in this case practising his artistic skills he made use of his bipolar.

John is a fledgling writer and his bipolar is the engine of his creativity. Early in his life he would have agreed with his diagnosis bipolar disorder. Now he says he 'has bipolar' not 'my bipolar'. He does not say "I suffer from bipolar disorder" he does not see bipolar as a disorder in the way psychiatrists see it. Yes, treatment and medication is needed to control his mood swings but John sees his condition as a welcome part of him – his emotions are real but just very strong. Often how people react to John and his bipolar is the issue for example being called crazy when he is not even by family. His bipolar is often used as a stick to beat him with but John would rather not live if he his bipolar was completely taken from him. This is the source of his creativity, his fun nature and the intensity from which he lives his life. John has experiences emotions and thoughts as his. However, he struggles to control his mood. It took him many years to master himself.

Not so in the narcissist, the narcissist constantly must be someone other than the predator they are. They copy emotions and behaviours they are not part of his true repertoire of emotions and behaviours. What really exists in the narcissist is a void of positive emotions mixed with anger, anxiety, fear, hate and self-loathing. So much of a narcissist is purposely and knowingly constructed.

I believe that the intelligence and planning to do this is not mental illness. They are purely evil in the sense of not valuing human beings and their planned manipulation of people in order to trap a source to prop up their ego and false self. Again, I do not believe these individuals are sick. They are simply being who they are.

In John's safety order case the barrister of He Who Never Was attempted to make out that Johns "mental illness" was a major issue, that he suffered from bipolar disorder and this was why He Who Never Was needed a safety order John was violent and dangerous apparently. Whether it would help his case or not John responded eloquently:

"Suffer from bipolar disorder? I do not suffer from bipolar disorder. My bipolar is well managed. I use my bipolar to help me with my work!" Looking incredulously at the barrister.

John has discovered that the bipolar diagnosis has a use. However, his abuser also learned the secret of John's control of his bipolar which was to become the regulator of John's emotions and used this as a punishment.

Another example of the over use of labelling in psychiatry is homosexuality. Since the birth of psychiatry homosexuality was declared a mental illness. It could be easily diagnosed; an attraction to the same sex. There was an array of effective treatment developed including castration, yes castration was effective but was it necessary? Of course not. It is only in recent years that psychiatry has realised that homosexuality is a state of being. A condition no longer needing treatment and never did need treatment.

Personality disorders do not respond well to treatment and in most cases not at all. It has always been my belief that you cannot treat a person's personality. The personality is a huge percentage of who a person is. Emotions, mood and hallucinations can be controlled by medication.

A narcissist's delusions and of grandiosity, superiority and perfection are all normally well hidden. In some personality disorders, particularly narcissistic personality disorder, there is little real emotion except for anger depression and anxiety.

The thoughts, emotions and behaviours of the narcissist are all used to control others and to serve the desire for narcissistic supply of the narcissist. That is the narcissist in summary in one sentence!

Those who have experienced domestic abuse will know this one sentence to be true, terrifyingly real. Domestic abuse victims will also know how this person has destroyed their lives. Those who have survived domestic abuse know their abuser will never change. The domestic abuser will not see there is anything he needs to change. He or she may be aware that something is amiss within them - but that is not their fault! he believes. Somebody else is treating them badly he or she states, probably the beleaguered victim. There is no evidence of illness in the narcissist, there really is not. To have an illness implies there is an area of health or health could be introduced or there was health at one point.

I strongly criticize calling narcissism a personality disorder. A narcissist, an abuser, is a person that is morally bankrupt. A narcissist should carry a health warning sign somewhere on his or her body. Narcissism is not an illness, narcissism is how the person lives and exists. I strongly argue there is no narcissistic personality disorder only a narcissist personality who is not sick.

The most concerning aspect of the narcissist is that the narcissist is often a very successful person. As mentioned at the beginning of this chapter it is well known that narcissists are involved in very high-level professional work. They need this type of work to exercise control over others. To achieve their source, the victim. They use their success to obtain their narcissistic supply, the high they achieve from the victim fulfilling their every need making them feel all powerful. Since many narcissists fulfil much of what western civilisation holds as ideal in terms of success but has unlikeable characteristics that many successful people have I would strongly suggest narcissism is not an illness.

In family courts then there is a possible unfair advantage the abuser has over the victim. The abuser knows how to project a positive image. He may know how to 'work' the court. The judge may be a narcissist too. The domestic abuse victim faces very real difficulties in court. These issues in court may have little if anything to do with the victim and are beyond the influence of the victim yet could possibly determine the outcome of the case.

The Altruistic Narcissist

The altruistic narcissist is I think the most insidious type of narcissist. This is a new term coined by Dr Sam Vanknin. I will provide insight into such a dangerous type of narcissist as a result of interviews with John and also my own education as a psychologist and life coach.

The altruistic narcissist assists people on a local, community and even national level. He fights for the justice of others by his presence during marches or signing petitions, gives people advice (often insists people take his advice and regularly checks to make sure his advice has been put into action), is helpful and sometimes provides small loans to people for example. This is not an exhaustive list there hundreds of ways the altruistic narcissist can assist people.

The intention of the altruistic narcissist is not to help others, far from it. The narcissist is not concerned about the other, that is not a feature of the narcissist even the so called 'helpful' or 'caring' altruistic narcissist. The altruistic narcissist uses this approach of feigning care for others as part of his trap. It is like using cheese in a mousetrap. The mouse is attracted by the cheese and the trap ultimately kills the mouse. This type of narcissist will attract his or her victim by assisting the victim with helping him or her with her issues for example problems at work or family issues. They continually offer their assistance until the individual comes to depend on him or her. The victim loses the ability to trust themselves, the narcissist convincing the victim that he knows better, regardless of whether the assistance is effective or not.

The altruistic narcissist wants the victim to rely on him. The further the victim walks into the narcissist's web of increasing control and the more stuck the person gets in terms of failing to use their own abilities to deal with their own problems and depend on the narcissist to rubber stamp what the victim does, thinks and feels. Slowly, and sometimes quickly, the victim is caught in the narcissists web of false altruism and cannot move while the narcissist takes hold of the victim firmly in his or her grasp condemning the victim to a poisonous 'love' and disabling 'assistance'. The victim begins to live looking at life through the eyes of the narcissist as he or she is brainwashed into believing that the narcissist knows best. The victim then passes all issues past the narcissist who tells them what to think and offers 'support' when the assistance is aimed at crippling the victim by encouraging dependency. A life where the victim forgets what happiness ever was and what love truly is.

The assistance given is really a poisoned apple. The narcissist wants the victim to accept his help and eventually make him dependent. The altruistic narcissist also increases his narcissistic supply through his assistance to others. People rely on him. To others he is their sage. He gains control of people this way.

The altruistic narcissist is in my opinion is the deadliest type of narcissist. This narcissist robs the victim of any self-belief or independence, even independent thinking. It is easy for this narcissist to mould his victim, the relationship and the life of the victim in relation to the narcissist (eventually the victim's life becomes the narcissist as the narcissist takes over their life) because the victim believes his every word. Even just his words alone can elicit joy and happiness in the victim. Why? The victim's sense of self has been reduced and what is left the victim does not depend upon. It is a case of "Killing with kindness". Add to this the tactics of physical, psychological, emotional and sexual abuse the victim is well and truly caught in the narcissist's web, the person that at first looked attractive becomes deadly. The victim is disabled psychologically making the application of the abusive tactics easy and very effective.

While the victim is being drawn deeper and deeper into the altruistic narcissist's web other people are easily drawn into the entrapment. The narcissist appears to be so gregarious and kind yet charming and funny.

This is not the street angel/house devil type, this is the house devil who appears to be almost saintly to others. The narcissist is so perfect! How lucky the victim is to have such a partner or friend! Aren't we lucky to have such a brother in law/sister in law?! Such a pillar of the community. Nobody can help but love this larger than life saintly individual. This is another disabling effect of the altruistic narcissist. Nobody will listen to the victim when he or she reports their abuse. Even family and friends would probably deny it, not just disbelieve, that they are telling the truth. There is something wrong with them that they should think so badly about their lovely partner who is such a fantastic man or woman.

The victim may repeatedly ask others for help. He may be treated like the boy who cried wolf, ignored or chastised for spreading malicious rumours. She was just looking for attention. But nobody can see the wolf in sheep's clothing despite the continuous cries of he or she that cries wolf. The victim may receive no help, rarely will anyone understand the nature of this insidious type of narcissist. The altruistic narcissist can disable victims, their friends, family and even whole communities by offering their poison apple in the apparent spirit of friendship or love.

I believe the most malignant effect of the altruistic narcissist is that very often, even if the victim does escape, there are so many questions the victim has about the kindness that the domestic abuser shows toward them. For months John could not understand how his narcissist could be so kind and yet so cruel. So supportive yet so disabling. Others would say his abuser could not be such a monster. Still others would ask the most crucial question of John. The two of you have had such wonderful fun! Such amazing holidays and went to great concerts! It was not until John came across the term altruistic narcissist after leaving his narcissist that part of John's abuse made sense to him. These good times came with a great price. They were always coupled or followed by extreme psychological and emotional abuse either before, during or after the fun event. At the beginning of every holiday his abuser would be intensely emotionally and verbally abusive, often threatening to call an ambulance to have him admitted to a psychiatric hospital. John came to believe that his abuser did not travel well, this was what his narcissist pretended. His medication was affected by travel or his narcissist would claim it was the time zone cross over, even when there was no time zone crossed. For any fun John had there was a price to pay which was the escalation of the abuse by his partner. John was often on a merry go round of fun, torture, fun, torture.

This inconstancy and unpredictability of behaviour is part of abuse. John himself doubted his convictions at times when he thought of his abuser's behaviour. He thought maybe his abuser did love him. Despite John's horrendous abuse at the hands of his narcissist the altruism of his abuser strongly made him doubt himself and also professionals, judges and some guards. The most lethal weapon John's narcissist used against him and those who would help John was his apparent show of kindness. The altruistic narcissist offers kindness as bait to enter their trap and to enrol others to assist, often unbeknownst to them, in the entrapment of the victim.

A very powerful aspect of the altruistic narcissist is that others can be enlisted to take part in the abuse of the victim. The narcissist encourages this by calling in favours. Any advice or gift given by the narcissist, which others perceive as kindness, are really only favours to be returned. The altruistic narcissist will request from those he has given assistance to join him in abusing his victim. These assistants may be willingly taking part in the domination of a victim by any means necessary. John believed that his abuser's family were consciously involved in his abuse. His narcissist "called the shots" on everything that happened in his family. Anybody that would challenge their brother or son would ruin what was ultimately a controlling world order the narcissist's family lived under. It is by giving that the altruistic narcissist takes and takes much more than he gives, often the victims freedom and independence. John had to be controlled or taught a lesson which was done in various ways. This is abuse by proxy. Individuals are selected by the domestic abuser to assist his or her domestic abuse. It is my belief some individuals that join forces with the narcissist are fully aware of their purpose. In some families there may be more than one narcissist. A whole family can be hotwired with narcissism, it may be genetic in some cases though often a result of intense trauma.

The narcissist recognises that the upstart, often the domestic abuse victim, needs to be taught a lesson or beaten back into their box. This is what happened to John as he fought to break free from the hold of his domestic abuser and the narcissistic family members of his narcissist. That is why I believe the altruistic narcissist is so insidious. Acts of kindness are used by the narcissist to control, manipulate and confuse others.

Beware when a narcissist comes to you bearing gifts. There will be a calculated reason you are receiving that gift. The gift may need to be returned in kind at a very high price, a higher cost that was never contemplated by the receiver. He or she may be barely able to repay and sometimes the cost to the victim is their life.

The Macabre Dance of the

Co-dependent and the Narcissist

In domestic abuse literature it is theorised that the co-dependent, often the victim, is similar in ways to the narcissist. The co-dependent believes that he or she can help the narcissist with any issues he may have. She thinks she can make him improve himself, for example, he is an alcoholic she can make him stop drinking, taking drugs or whatever it is he needs apparently needs fixing.

The narcissist might claim that he needs help to change this or that about himself and the co-dependent will control this behaviour of the narcissist. The co-dependent looks to the narcissist for resources and support in return for caring for the narcissist, having an inability to provide resources for herself or himself, she or he does not believe it's possible to provide resources for . The narcissist wants narcissistic supply from the victim. Her purpose is to provide him with a regular supply of his drug that ensures his false self is propped up and appears real through the attention given. Both are looking to the other for resources. Both are controlling each other in this theory of domestic abuse. In time the narcissist becomes abusive, over days or weeks. Sometimes the physical abuse will take place a few years later after the narcissist has done enough groundwork to try to ensure the victim will not leave him. There are many ways to do this such as brainwashing for example telling the victim nobody wants them now or that they are old and ugly and other hurtful and depreciating comments

The co-dependent will most likely carry on with the relationship even when the abuse becomes physical. This is because she believes she can fix the relationship by fixing her domestic abuser; controlling the narcissists bad temper. Another reason why the co-dependant will stay is because she is afraid to leave, not believing in herself enough to build a new life without the narcissist or having never established independence from childhood. Possibly the co-dependent believes she deserves to receive beatings, as she may have received from a parent or both parents.

The co-dependent is controlling also like the narcissist except the use of violence would be very atypical. The silent treatment is often used when an individual does not do the bidding of the co-dependent. The co-dependent may reinforce behaviours by rewarding the individual when he carries out the wishes of the individual and punish them by withdrawing rewards. The co-dependent may 'love up' a person they suspect does not like them. They will shower the individual with compliments and possibly offer gifts in an attempt to encourage the other to be friends. The co-dependent can be two faced and do anything to avoid conflict with another or be assertive and discuss her differences with the other.

Both the narcissist and the co-dependent have had a disturbing maladjusted upbringing and it is the experience of terrible, deep trauma that links them. Both want to control others. The narcissist creates a false self because of early trauma as a child. He makes a conscious decision to create a personality that can handle life better than his original personality. This false self is developed by learning manipulative behaviour from his or her parents as a child and applying these behaviours and additional behaviours that the child knows will be successful in obtaining resources including attention from others.

This is how the co-dependent differs to the narcissist. The co-dependent through life maintains a true self, a self that is real and pervasive through all conditions, a normal personality. This gives the co-dependent a chance to recover from his or her maladaptive behaviour and learn better adjusted behaviours and make a full recovery from domestic abuse. The narcissist will never change, his behaviour is always unconscious as he is dominated by a powerfully domineering ego that has the narcissists true self in a stranglehold from which it cannot escape.

In the following chapter I wish to add my own particular theory of narcissistic abuse and how this develops in some victims. These are individuals without co-dependency and are relatively well developed. I strongly believe that it is not mostly co-dependents that end up narcissistically abused.

Like so many recent theories on psychological states I believe the co-dependent and narcissist paradigm is an over generalization. Read on and I will explain, I hope what I write will provide you the reader with another angle on narcissism which I believe to be true. I will present a true and chilling aspect of narcissism as derived from John Dunne's entries, my education in psychology and my life coach education.

The Dissension of the Empath and the Free Spirit

I would like to suggest my theory of personality types that offer a wider scope than the co-dependent and the narcissist relationship paradigm. I will describe two personality types, the empath and the free spirit and how I believe these personalities could be affected by domestic abuse. I think John could be described as an empath. I believe these personality types influence how domestic abuse begins and what the outcome of leaving the domestic abuser might be. My theory could also be described as complimenting the co-dependent narcissistic relationship theory.

The Empath

The empath is concerned about the well-being of others and even mankind in general. He or she feels a personal responsibility to assist people which he was born with. Having a higher level of sensitivity than most he can feel the pain of others, not as a result of poor boundary function, he is sensitive to the needs of others. Possibly he had events occur to him where he felt great pain as a result and does not want others to feel similar pain. He may wish to lessen the other's burden from him, or even take the burden off the other altogether preferring to experience the pain himself rather than witness another person in pain. There can be a super man frame of thinking in the empath. He takes on the problems of the world and rescues those in need, not out of the desire to control or even pity, this is what he feels he is born to do. The empath is a natural manifester to enable him to attract into his life what he needs and extra for those he loves or those he wishes to help. He always has enough and gives more to others. Even when he does not have enough he believes he will soon.

A typical day the empath might have starts off with an appreciation of life when he rises in the morning, he is happy to be alive. He might think over breakfast what should he do or if he is employed, he might ask himself what does he need to do in that job today. This is an internal question to his soul which is answered by feelings as to the direction the empath might take which he follows. On his way to work he might walk by a poor person begging, then stops to give them money. As he enters his place of work, he opens the door for one of his colleagues. He might see a customer is sad and cracks a joke. The person laughs so much, he has not laughed so hard in days. The empath almost always gives expecting nothing in return, others often return his kindness. There may be a thousand times an empath has tried to assist a person's life better without any return, he does so in a way that promotes independence of the other, not by controlling or trying to force the person. When the empath is in danger, he is always assisted by others who sense his childish kindness, his innocent naivety. He is well protected even by strangers when in danger as strangers can sympathise with his childlike despair or panic. The empath pours out all his feelings and is completely honest in an effort to appeal to what he sees as kindness inherent in everyone he meets. As this publication will show some individuals are not to be trusted and while the blind trust of the empath is in most cases this can seal a dreadful fate when he comes in contact with narcissists.

The empath is trusting to the point of naivety. He has an unbending faith in the goodness of others. This is where the empath falls down and can become the prey of a narcissist. Ever seeing the good in people, the empath sees goodness where it is not or in dangerously short supply. In accordance with most religions and spirituality he believes the goodness is in the person somewhere. The empath is not aware that there are those who feel separate from God or have purposely distanced themselves from God. The narcissist creates a false self and all but kills his true self or what might also be called his soul. The empath has an almost childish disregard for any judgement of others, does not consider that people do harbour thoughts of harm and often commits harm against others. This is unthinkable to the empath until he learns that these people do exist when he is in the grip of the narcissist or other unhealthy personalities.

When the empath encounters the narcissist as a possible mate, he may have an outpouring of love for the narcissist. The narcissist encourages this, the flow of love is used as narcissistic supply. The flow of love from the empath is constant and unlimited having come from a source of pure love, the supply to the narcissist is never ending. The constant supply will cause ecstatic feelings of pleasure in the narcissist, regular highs which the empath might confuse with love. Meanwhile the empath continues to supply an abundance of love, enough love for him and the narcissist. The empath maintains all the love in the relationship, it is not possible for a narcissist to love. The empath confuses part of the love coming from him as coming from the narcissists and effectively supplies enough love for the him and the imagined love coming from the narcissist. The narcissist may be genuinely besotted by the empath, as you might a lovely piece of furniture. His childish charm, his willingness to help others, his carefree nature born of his certainty to always have enough. Others are enamoured by the empath, his sensitivity and his uncanny ability to say the right words and bring up subjects that interest the company around him, so spontaneous in speech together with a natural childlike innocent behaviour. He may have a rather plain appearance or be very attractive, he is a magnet for admiration and many people are attracted to him.

In time the empath becomes a trophy husband or wife, the narcissist benefiting from the attention as being the partner of the empath. The narcissist may admire the natural free spirit of the empath, but in the manner of the empath being an interesting toy not a real-life person. The empath is too sensitive to take up too much of the limelight and is conscious to include his boyfriend in conversation. This is an attitude the narcissist will eventually come to hate and attempt to destroy the empath. The empath does not realise that the narcissists need for attention is a bottomless pit the empath has no hope of ever filling.

The supply of love is not enough for the narcissist at times, maybe the empath is sick or has being worn down from the endless and unceasing extraction of narcissistic supply, the narcissist tells the empath he does not feel loved by him anymore. The narcissist detects that the empath is loving him less and becomes angry because his drug supply has decreased. This is the hook for the empath used by the narcissist. The empath wants to love others, it is not necessary for others to love him. Loving people is part of who he or she is, which is one of the reasons for living with the narcissist who takes advantage of this characteristic.

This is not the same as the co-dependent who can use love or loving behaviour to manipulate or to obtain resources from the narcissist. The empath simply loves. By the narcissist saying the empath does not love him enough the empath feels consternation and summons even more resources to feed the drug of narcissistic supply. The narcissist ensures the empath`s provision of narcissistic supply by reminding the empath he is not loving enough, he tries even harder, which the narcissist will never be happy with. The empath misses the signs he is being taken advantage of and abused because he is so busy trying to love the narcissist more and more in equal supply to the demand of the narcissist and seeing the love in him in order to increase his own loving, not understanding the narcissist cannot love him as the narcissist has only limited and negative emotions. He may feel if he loves his partner more his partner will be happy. The empath believes that he is a failure as his partner is so unhappy. The partner might mention past boyfriends who loved her better in an effort to derive further narcissistic supply from the empath's dwindling energy. His naivety and trust blinds him from the activities of the narcissist that are not wholesome and clash with the principles of the empathy.

Coupled with these behaviours is abuse. The behaviour of the altruistic narcissist further confuses, well, disables the empathy. The narcissist gives to others. This has nothing to do with care and concern for people. There is a motive involved which is to entrap the victim by disabling their efforts to support themselves, so they come to depend on the narcissist. The narcissist can also assist others in order to call in favours should his victim decide to leave him. This results in abuse by proxy where the narcissist involves others in the domestic abuse. A narcissist never gives without expecting to receive, "the narcissist gives a little but takes a lot". The empath may believe that he has found the perfect match for a mate, someone that cares and loves others as much as the empath does, the narcissist projects a loving personality In extreme circumstances the empath may come to decide that the narcissist is the source of resources and forget her strong belief in God as supplying all she needs.

The empath's ability to care for others may be harnessed by the narcissist. The narcissist might continually feign sickness with the expectation that the empath will care for him, which he dutifully does. The hook here is that the empath likes to care for people and so gladly nurses the narcissist. The narcissist claims the empath is not caring enough. Then even when the empath is sick himself, he continues to care for the narcissist. The narcissist may feign sickness when the empath is sick to ensure a continuation of attention.

The positive qualities of the empath are used by the narcissist to enmesh him in the relationship. He is taken hostage because he offers love in abundance. The empath is chained by his own trust and his inability to see through the shiny veneer of the narcissist's false personality. Just like the theory of the co-dependent the empath has responsibility for choosing the narcissist as a mate and providing the narcissist with an unreasonable amount of attention that eventually surpasses even the empath`s ability to provide to maintain the narcissist's false self.

The breaking point for the empath is when he discovers his partner's personality and his whole life with the narcissist is fake. That the narcissist himself and his life is nothing more than a fabricated representation of what the narcissist wants others to believe and which the narcissist fools himself to believe.

To his horror the empath realises his partner's personality was not real, therefore his relationship was a total sham. The empath realises the narcissist has lied to him a million times. The empath is horrified to realise he has been systematically duped, manipulated and abused by his partner using his good will and love towards others. That the humiliation, shame and indecency of his abuse was very wrong which he should never had tolerated. He only realises this by talking to the police and other professionals, not even realising he is being domestically abused.

How the empath differs from the co-dependent is that he or she quickly realises he did not deserve to be abused as he is a child of God who does not commend the narcissist's abuse.

His soul begins to speak to him again. The narcissist is further exposed by the light of truth as the empath discovers more untruths and lies. Despite the ensuing increase of abuse to control the beleaguered empath and prevent his escape the empath instinctively realises his life is in danger and leaves his partner in as peaceful a manner as possible. He does not return his aggression but plans successfully to leave, knowing that God will protect him and send others to help. Others do help, very many sometimes as people sense a connection with the empath, the psychic link with all people that the empath is aware of and maintains. People help because the innocence and love of the empath is child-like, his terror of the narcissist is intense, and he is quickly assisted. The empath is not afraid because he knows God will help him now that he has reclaimed his soul from the narcissist.

This contrasts within the co-dependent who clings on to the narcissist sometimes when the abuse is acknowledged by the co-dependent and he or she attempts to fix the narcissist and manipulate the narcissist into reverting back to the pretence of his love fearing independence. The co-dependent may even manipulate others to do this. In time even the police may be confused as to who is the true abuser and sometimes both are seen be abusing the other by the authorities

The empaths' lesson to learn is that all the world's great religions also emphasize the need for discernment as well as the loving of others. This is the feeling a person has toward the other, does that person feel right when the other is around them? How does the body feel? Is there anxiety? Is there a tension in the body or the feeling of opening up to another? Is there a sense of being drained or pleasant excitement? The empath must realise that although spiritualists such as Gandhi and Jesus believed a person should love everybody they meet. Jesus also often spoke of "the wolf in sheep's clothing" and "you will know a tree by the fruit it bares". The world's major religions advise caution when meeting people for the first time.

The empath needs to know he is not Jesus, Gandhi or other fully enlightened personalities and needs to exercise caution when meeting people for the first time. That the empath must have self-worth as well as seeing others have worth and to respect others but particularly his own self. To discern and to perceive whether others are safe for him to be around or not and identifying who is safe for him to be with. This relates to those who respects his boundaries or do not. I will write a little about boundaries further on. The empath most likely will become even more at ease while communicating with others as he will be able to select people he wants to be around and not just any person that comes his way. He will feel safer as he has identified who he will be safe around.

The Free Spirit

The free spirit primarily wants to enjoy his or her life. He is not interested in social rules and constraints. He rarely behaves as everybody else does because any means of having fun is suitable to him in his life. The means of having fun is most often temporary so he will not be inclined toward nine to five employment, this would not be pleasurable. Almost like the narcissist craving narcissistic supply the free spirit craves enjoyment, some to a hedonistic level. Unlike the narcissist the free spirit's pleasure is self-generated. He can source where he will experience fun and who with, the money for this comes out of his own pocket, he may have a job with flexible hours or employment where he can make considerably high amounts of money in a short time.

The free spirit prefers to be around other free spirits who do not conform to society. He or she is a member of a social group with many friends, he is not controlled and does not submit to the group. His friends must be good fun and are sometimes insincere friends who like the free spirit because he is fun but may not support him with his difficulties. He is part of the group but individual at the same time. He can be caring and loving for example his friends may want to go to a football match the free spirit might decide to travel to a nature space and spend the day walking. He will most likely carry food and drink with him so as to enjoy a little picnic which he is not afraid to be seen having on his own. This is a treat for him, leaving the maddening crowds and spending time by himself to rest in Order to recharge so he can attend and have pleasure with his friends at a party, or maybe two or three parties, the following week. The free spirit, like the empath, enjoys nature. In nature he considers any problems he may have and often leaves the natural space with solutions. He wants to "hear himself think".

The free spirit and the empath, it is possible for a person to be both, are usually quite independent. They both source what they want from their environment although the empath may see his needs as coming from God, the free spirit might believe he is responsible for fulfilling his needs himself. The concept of God does not appeal to the free spirit, he may think that God might want to punish him for regular group sex for example. Both the empath and the free spirit cannot endure aggression of any kind including verbal arguments. The free spirit is too confident to allow himself to be mistreated by the abuse of another. For the empath an argument is similar emotionally to him standing in front and being rolled over by an oncoming truck as he experiences the huge impact of negative emotions that floods his mind. Both empath and free spirit may move to appease the person who is arguing with him to try to reduce the mental pain this aggression is causing him which even results in physical pain such as headaches.

I believe where the two differ is that the empath, having a strong belief in the provision of his needs from God, assumes he will never suffer lack of resources. The free spirit is the converse. He believes he sources his own resources himself from the material world.

The issue with the free spirit is that while he is a force of nature his beliefs, desires and concerns are firmly planted in the material world and therefore, unbeknownst to him, subject to the ebb and flow of resources in his environment and his ability to attract resources for his needs. The free spirit is conscious that he may at times experience lack and lives in terror of his environment not having the resources to fuel his hedonistic lifestyle.

When there comes a time when he has no money to support himself and his lifestyle, he will acquire resources through others with the understanding that this would be a temporary arrangement as he prefers his independence. Accompanying this lack of resources, the free spirit may begin to doubt himself and lose the trust that he has the power to self-generate what he needs. His flexibility of thinking decreases with this lack of trust. He begins to fear the present and the future. When he encounters problems, he cannot think around them to make solutions. He is so concerned with his lack of trust in himself that he cannot consider effectively new information coming into his mind from changes in the environment and from decisions he has made. He is unable to make the correct judgements in response. He is having much less fun, an increase in stress, and may develop anxiety or depression.

The free spirit looks around him for someone who can lead the way out of his misery he created or as a result of events beyond his control. Someone to support him emotionally or and financially in his short-term lull of good fortune and fun. He will expect this person to come to his aid while he suffers his outrageous misfortune. At times he will be fortunate, someone will come into his life to guide him back onto the right path possibly a counsellor or a family member. He may also be very unfortunate. Enter the narcissist who promises to solve all his problems and give him everything he needs while later taking everything the free spirit has. The altruistic narcissists give a little but takes a whole lot more.

The effect the narcissist has on the free spirit is different to the empath and co-dependent due to the reasons why the free spirit is attracted to the narcissist. The free spirit sees his or her guide, the person who offers answers to his problems, as a temporary solution. He or she may also decide it is time for him to settle down and searches for a person who appears to enjoy life too and so have the happy medium of having a more relaxed but still active lifestyle.

The free spirit expects his or her relationship is one of sharing, support and most importantly a respect for the free spirit's individuality. Possibly the free spirit may have enough resources but has become confused in his life, lost trust in himself and lacks confidence. It is as if he has lost his compass while hill walking. He lacks direction. He looks to someone, anyone, to explain and support him in his predicament temporarily.

The free spirit expects to be free in this relationship. The hook here used by the narcissist to trap his prey is to offer stability to his victim, he pretends he is a more mature person than the free spirit. The narcissist moulds his personality to the desires of the free spirit. He feigns the desire to share, to support, to consider the free spirit in choices made between them and to respect his individuality and all healthy attributes a mate should have. The narcissist conveys to the free spirit as being worldly wise and teach the sometimes-immature free spirit the matters of life, the world and how the free spirit should behave in company and alone with the narcissist. What is really happening, unbeknownst to the free spirit is the narcissist is changing his or her behaviour to suit his needs. He can convince the free spirit, and also the empath, that he knows better. The narcissist prescribes to the free spirit who he should converse with, in what manner, when and in what setting. The free spirit swallows all this thinking the narcissist knows best. The most serious blow by the narcissist to both empath and free spirit is when the narcissist convinces them their feelings and their intuition is incorrect, immaterial and misleading. To the narcissist the feelings and intuition of the empath and free spirit are as such, a threat to his or her domination of the victim.

Anything the free spirit wants in a possible mate the narcissist pretends to be. In this case the prey has healthy desires in a mate developed from a colourful life, but the narcissist is merely copying these values to create a hook to catch the free spirit which the free spirit does not suspect. The narcissist in this case is the proverbial wolf in sheep's clothing. The love bombing conducted by the narcissist strongly appeals to the free spirit who must almost like the narcissist, be praised, ad adored and admired. The constant stroking of the free spirit ego is intoxicating to him. The free spirit falls for the narcissist even though what he expects from a relationship is healthy. In his desire to settle down he tries to carefully chose a mate with which he might live happily with. Nevertheless, the narcissist is expert at pretending to be what he is not, and even flies under the radar of the worldly-wise free spirit.

The narcissist then sets about breaking down the free spirit over months and years. In the beginning the narcissist will undermine the free spirit so regularly and subliminally with comments that decrease the free spirit's confidence. These comments may also erode the free spirits ability to believe that he can attract his own resources, the narcissist subliminally drip dropping these remarks into the mind of the free spirit.

The narcissist may use altruistic narcissist techniques to do everything he can for his victim but in effect he is disabling the victim. The free spirit comes to rely on the narcissist forgetting that there were many times when the free spirit was fully independent, able to perform multiple tasks to support himself and attract all the resources to fulfil his desires.

The free spirit is not aware that this is taking place for if the free spirit were to see he was being undermined purposefully or otherwise by the narcissist he would most probably leave. The narcissist knows this and is careful to hide his intentions.

The free spirit, although down in his look, expects his loss of independence to be temporary and it is only a matter of time before he can be independent. He trusts people easily and does not expect to become trapped like a bird in a cage. The narcissist proceeds to "kill with kindness" he does everything for the beleaguered free spirit, attends to his every need. Not out of care, concern or love.

When the free spirit is sick, he sees this as a terrible inconvenience to himself and any plans he might have for that week. He does not concentrate on his sickness as he believes this makes him worse. He then prefers to focus on the narcissist. The narcissist then does not have to support him when sick and his narcissistic supply is even increased. The narcissist will learn that the free spirit does not look after himself when sick so he will not mind when in time his abuser decides to take his medication and control his health care. This is a procedure of entrapment; the victim loses his independence almost completely and relies heavily on the narcissist. This has the effect of cutting the wings off a wild bird and trapping it in a cage.

A particularly nasty consequence of this behaviour is the narcissist discovers the deeper weaknesses not immediately apparent in the free spirit and all of his victims. The narcissist becomes the "knight in shining armour" and will take responsibility for the shortcomings of the free spirit. For example, the free spirit might have a mental illness the narcissist promises to soothe for him and be supportive. When the abuse escalates the narcissist will then use this issue as a weapon against the free spirit to disarm him psychologically or whatever other issue the narcissist is privy to. In the case of mental health, the narcissist will also use this in an attempt to get the authorities involved and would most likely use a psychiatric diagnosis of the victim against him in court, should the local police be wise enough to decide the narcissist has broken the law. This process is effective on the empath and co-dependent also. When all these processes are applied the free spirit believes the narcissist is more mature, wealthier, more successful and more competent than he is. He hands over to the narcissist the power he has to influence his environment and the keys to the free spirits freedom.

Before the free spirit was taken hostage by his abuser the free spirit would see himself as confident, a lover of people and life so people respond for the most part positively toward him The free spirit is often vain and he takes care of his good looks in a myriad of ways. He attracts sexual attraction often from men and women. Sometimes the narcissist would see himself as being in competition with these would be suitors.

Much more often however the narcissist sees his boyfriend as an extension of him, everything in life including people are an extension of him. People are not individuals to the narcissist, so the narcissist believes he is the one being fancied and even smiles back cheekily at the confused individual who was smiling at the his or her boyfriend. John Dunne described these interactions as typical. This had the negative consequence of his narcissist imaginatively believing he was the attractive one and nobody wanted John. John was devoted to his narcissist so there was never an issue of him sleeping with anybody else but his domestic abuser.

The free spirit is very skilled socially. He wants to put people at their ease and entertain them. He enjoys the attention, but he also wants those around him to feel comfortable. He stops in conversation when a person would confide in him, as strangers often did sense his non-judgemental attitude. He then expertly returns to conversation on neutral topics so that the individual is not embarrassed by having confided in a stranger. He speaks eloquently of all his adventures which are in abundance. People are often enthralled with his experiences.

The free spirit, being a lover of people and the world, is well educated formally or through his own efforts and can speak authoritatively about very many subjects that might come up in conversation. People are surprised that the free spirit has so many opinions and knows so much about almost everything, this seemingly male bimbo is educated with strong beliefs he often defends unashamedly. The good looking fun-loving free spirit is showing his intelligent side. This is a definite show of the free spirits charm.

The narcissist cannot steal or share the attention with his or her boyfriend. The free spirit has taken over the stage overshadowing the other actors and the audience is captivated by him. At this point the narcissist snuggles up to the free spirit and might lovingly kiss her or him with a strong embrace. This may seem loving; the narcissist is showing the free spirit is his property. He makes it clear that nobody is to steal his high-grade narcissistic supply. John would mention he was probably like cocaine to the narcissist. Sadly, the free spirit believes the narcissist's behaviour is loving too, not possessiveness or another method by which he is willingly taken hostage yet again.

In time the narcissist moves to quell all these essential and attractive aspects of the free spirit. He has become tired of this shining light that eclipses his own imagined brilliance. Friends and family always insist the free spirit goes with him to functions or other activities. The narcissist will become angry as he sees this as the free spirit stealing his attention.

Soon the free spirit will be abused and one of the reasons will be for stealing so much attention.

When the free spirit or empath attempts to leave the abusive relationship, the narcissist will conduct a smear campaign to destroy any authenticity and integrity that others were sure the girlfriend had. The free spirit, convinced of the love of her boyfriend, has no awareness that her boyfriend is conducting a campaign to destroy her credibility. The narcissist may even feign to 'love' him even more and showers him with attention to make sure his girlfriend does not suspect she is isolating him. Conversely, he might abuse her so much, physically at this stage, so that she would not dare to question or challenge his behaviour. She may be helplessly aware of his intentions. He may even involve the authorities to copper fasten his smear campaign of her free spirit. This gradual isolation is only the beginning of his torturous abuse. Her narcissist is only warming up.

When the abuse commences the free spirit has been successfully brainwashed and believes the narcissist that it is all his fault. The victim's abuser claims his victim "made me do it." The victim often hears "look what you made me do" and constant remarks from his abuser telling him he is a waste of space, that he is getting old and nobody thinks he or she is attractive. That he is lucky to be with his abuser as nobody else would have him. At this time all the subliminal brainwashing is mounted up like a mountain, the outright insults are now successful in upsetting the free spirit. When all of this is compounded by physical abuse some free spirits may be incapable of leaving, the narcissist has wrapped chains around them with their own negative self-beliefs. The free spirit entrapped by the narcissist would wake up one day and ask himself how this all happened to him. He realises he is sleeping with a stranger and the free spirit does not even recognise the tired, depressed, anxious image of himself in the mirror and then believe it is all his fault. What little light of freedom he has experienced may be extinguished forever.

The Escape of the Empath and the Free Spirit

For some free spirits there is a different happier ending. Like empaths the free spirit believes in the possibility that he still has a chance to change his life. Both empath and free spirit will set about using their resources to set themselves free. Both realising this is their responsibility they alone must carry out and nobody else but allows others to assist him.

He or she researches domestic abuse on the internet and realises he is a victim. His belief in his ability to meet his own needs returns as he knows now, he is fighting for his survival. He reaches out for help while creating his own plans to escape. He explores what he can do to leave and how he will survive when he does leave. He thinks of what he can do when he is assaulted again, how he can protect himself. He begins to believe he does not want this abusive person in his life any-more and decides how he can eject the narcissist from his life.

He takes his time in planning to leave, only moving to the next step when the time is right, not out of fear, knowing that every step he takes must be taken at the right time in the right place and with the right people.

All means necessary are used to escape including the courts and the police. People often respond well and help the victim as they can see the love and childish naivete still shining through the terror and mental anguish in the victim's eyes, they see how cruelly the victim was duped.

Many easily see through the narcissist and the escape of the empath and free spirit is facilitated by police family or friends. However usually the narcissists smear campaign will limit the connections of the victim. The narcissist claims to all in sundry he is the victim.

The empath and free spirit look within themselves as to how they contributed to being in a domestic abuse relationship and sets about finding a way to make sure this does not happen again. They begin their lives all over again and as green shoots of future prosperity appear the hope and belief in themselves is reborn. The empath and the free spirit look forward to a life free of their abusive ex-partner.

They may try to reclaim what is theirs which often the narcissist will rob from them and keep. It is common for people who leave narcissists to also have to leave behind everything they own including their home and all their belongings, sometimes even their children. Often the narcissist does this to punish the victim for leaving. However, the empath and free spirit know that their freedom is their prize. They do not look back; they look forward to their new lives which they have no doubt can only be better than what they have endured.

There is another price to pay and that is the psychological, emotional and sometimes physical wounds a victim will have. If the victim is an empath most likely she has been psychologically and emotionally abused. This is what hurts the empath most but also leaves no physical wounds that she can show as proof of her narcissists abuse. It may take an extremely long time to recover from these types of abuse.

With these two personalities types of empath and free spirit I am attempting to explain that while the co-dependent enters a narcissistic relationship also as a controlling person that this is not always the type of person that becomes enmeshed with a narcissist.

I believe there are cases when decent, un-controlling, high functioning mature people are successfully fooled by a narcissist. I have met and read about individuals in these relationships who are clearly not co-dependents. Some take their time dating; they know what is healthy in a person and despite all precautions used a narcissist can still slip under their radar and they become prey. It is usually a high functioning narcissist that can fool others so successfully. These are narcissists in well paid employment and are expert at manipulation, not just in a relationship but almost everybody they come in contact with. No matter how worldly wise an individual maybe they can fall to become the prey of a high functioning narcissist. The reason for this is some narcissists think very closely to normal people. It appears there is only a small deviance from the norm by them. They pass for healthy people and are often successful. It is not even that they mimic normal and healthy, for the most part they are. It is the deviance between normal and narcissism in these individuals that makes all the difference and causes a massive amount of pain in others, often death.

In my theory what then are the main differences between the co-dependent and the healthier empath and free spirit? In both empath and free spirit, the mechanisms of how these individuals come to be involved in domestic abuse I believe are very different.

The co-dependent wants to fix the narcissist. The narcissist may have a drug addiction or be an alcoholic for example. The co-dependent believes he or she can take the narcissist off the drug. The narcissist hooks the co-dependent by allowing her to assist him to do this, he secretly has no intention of ever doing so but keeps the co-dependent on his leash by criticizing her that she is not helping enough, and she continues to try harder.

An empath believes that they are put on this earth to help others and has a feeling of responsibility for everyone. They consciously see God within them and around them so they mistakenly think everyone else does. This is somewhat ego-centric, the empath has to learn that others do ask God for what they want, and others try to shut God out of their lives. The empath believes it is their duty to help others. They do not understand that people must learn to use their own source, not see the empath as a source. Empaths believe they can manifest endless resources for themselves and others to carry out the work. That they can tap into themselves and resources manifest in their environment. For this reason the narcissist is further attracted to the empath and takes advantage of him by taking his resources. This is a very significant difference to the co-dependent who believes the narcissist is Source.

The procedure used to hook both is the same. The empath is often hooked by the narcissist using a desire to love, care and heal people. The empath wants people to be happy and believes God has given them this purpose. Many apothems conceal this closeness to God. They have a Super Man approach to life helping anyone they feel guided by God to help, often for people they will never meet again. This is true giving.

The co-dependent will find what the other really needs help with and then use that to control the other. Withdrawing support or attention in accordance with the other submitting to the desires of the co-dependent or choosing not to carry out the co-dependent's commands. In return they expect their needs to be fulfilled from the other which is not true giving. Family upbringing is similar to the co-dependent, they would have been charged by family members to help other families.

The empath has trouble separating the difference between their emotions and others due to their strong psychic connections they form with people. The co-dependent mostly observes behaviour to determine what others need which is methodical. Both are maintained by the narcissist in the relationship by the same method. The narcissist discovers what the co-dependent is willing to fix in him and dangles the promise of changing and the co-dependent successful in fixing him. The empath wants to love his partner and his partner to feel loved. He attends to the narcissist even when sick, he is devoted to the narcissist.

The free spirit differs also in very significant ways to a co-dependent. He attracts his own resources very often though sometimes not, not so the co-dependent. At the same time there are lulls in the free spirits life when they do not trust themselves to provide their needs and so depend on others who can take advantage of him. The free spirit though has very often had experience of fulfilling his own needs and there is always a possibility that he can because he knows how to.

The co-dependent may never have been independent and can be at a complete loss about how to do this, this makes the co-dependent more likely to meet another narcissist and become domestically abused again.

A free spirit will learn what happened, how it happened and how to avoid domestic abuse. He will set his life up so this will never happen again. He will be determined never again to be enslaved by a narcissist and to maintain his freedom. He will be looking forward to setting up a new life. The co-dependent, especially if he or she never had been independent, would be scared of doing so. The co-dependent will return to the narcissist thinking they can make the relationship better even after a physical assault.

A free spirit may be familiar with regularly changing his life style prior to meeting the narcissist. He would have had different friends at different times depending on how he is developing as a person and can move on from people. The empath believes and expects to be delivered to safety by a higher power and given the means to live a better life and often this can happen.

The co-dependent will find it difficult to leave behind the narcissist whereas the free spirit will look ahead, possibly with anger, but there is no possibility of him dumping his new found freedom and returning to enslavement by his tyrannical partner.

Both the empath and the free spirit will not tolerate any type of violence. Whilst both may have enough psychological resilience to endure psychological, verbal and emotional abuse once the abuse becomes physical both empath and free spirit will leave at all costs and do whatever it takes to escape. This is because both still have a modicum of self-respect that has not been beaten out of them by the narcissist or his helpers. They still have a sense of self-worth which has been preserved from carefree days before they decided to live with the narcissist. They know they deserve better than a relationship where they will be beaten or have medication taken off them or have what they eat and drink controlled. They know they can start a new life, the free spirit in particular most likely will have started a new life at least once before.

The empath will receive much assistance to leave the abusive relationship, people appear in the empath`s life just the right time feel a connection to the empath due to his psychic ability to create relationships rapidly by intuitively knowing the right words to say and put people at their ease. She does so to the person she is requesting help from, possibly to save her life. People see an innocence in the empath, they feel comfortable with the empath even though he is shaking with fear and begging for help, the person feels compelled to assist the empath.

The free spirit easily obtains assistance due to his charismatic personality. People who decide to assist can see the love for life and love of people still glinting in the free spirit's eyes despite the terror written on his face. The free spirit may try to rehearse what he will say when requesting assistance in order to have some control over the situation but mostly he will discard his plan and rely on his strong communication skills. He begins to talk naturally and spontaneously while at the same time delivering his message effectively, people believe what he says as a result and move quickly to assist him.

The free spirit differs to the empath during recovery. The empath will only be able to set about rebuilding his life when his trauma, psychological and emotional wounds have been healed or almost healed. If there are physical wounds these will heal quicker than the empath`s psych. The psychic connection to the narcissist must be completely severed through emotional healing, Melanie Tonia Evens Quantum Freedom Healing may be useful to achieve this for all domestic abuse victims. The empath is only interested in moving forward in his healing not dwelling on his wounds. When he has achieved complete or partial healing then the empath will have the power, through his faith, to manifest resources into his life once again.

The free spirit too will draw on his spirituality to assist him in recovery. His focus however is on how to extract resources from the material world, find his own place to live and regain his independence. She will also draw on her faith but because of her hedonistic tendencies she focuses more on the material world. She will plan carefully how to do this relying on both herself, others and any other means possible to achieve this.

I strongly believe that there is a strong difference in recovery here in comparison to both empath and co-dependent. The free spirit does focus on healing but there are factors that increase his healing and makes it easier for him to function day to day. The free spirit had always valued freedom and expressing himself just as he wants to. Having lived with a narcissist this freedom would have been taken from him and this would have occurred subliminally as described above. When the free spirit leaves the narcissist suddenly, he is free again. He has time to himself; his head is not crammed of ideas and issues the narcissist continually has. The free spirit does not have to deal any-more with the daily drama a narcissist concocts for attention. A sense of expansive space comes back into his life both in his mind and his life. He has left the stifling control of the narcissist and begins to feel his old self return more and more as his freedom returns to him and grows. He enjoys his single life, now able to go wherever he wants, when he wants and how he wants. Having realised the narcissist was a fake personality and he considers the degradation and sometimes the sadism of the narcissist he is happy with himself for leaving. This new sense of being, rather the return of his freedom, speeds up his recovery as he is now joyful to live his own life again. The free spirit during recovery feels his life becoming more abundant and his free personality returning. As if he had been in a deep sleep. He very soon sees leaving the narcissist as improving his life, rather than a loss. This speeds up his recovery.

Both the empath and free spirit have a strong potential to survive domestic abuse and permanently leave the narcissist.

The co-dependant usually returns after leaving and tries to carry on with the relationship even when the abuse becomes physical. This is because she believes she can fix the relationship by fixing her domestic abuser; controlling the narcissist's bad temper. She may leave yet again and then return several times not believing he or she is capable of sourcing her own resources. Another reason why the co-dependant will stay is because she is afraid to leave, not believing in herself enough to build a new life without the narcissist or having never established independence. Possibly the co-depedent believes she deserves to receive beatings, as she received from a parent or both parents. In this case in particular there is a very significant difference in the reaction to the narcissist increasing the abuse into physical abuse by the three personality types I have outlined.

Despite these differences in personality I have theorised I must make it clear that each type is hooked by the narcissist by the same process. I believe it is the characteristics, background and other elements that determines how the individual is hooked, not one label that is supposed to fit all. The process the narcissist uses to maintain his source of narcissistic supply is similar too, the aggression and the manipulation.

The results of domestic abuse destroy the lives of the victims and the victims themselves. I believe it is very important to consider other personality types not just narcissistic and co-dependency diagnosis. It is always possible for personality types to coexist within the same person as often occurs in psychological clinical personality testing. It is which personality type that dominates the persons thinking is what is of importance.

The backgrounds of the empath, free spirit and co-dependent could determine the outcome of the victim leaving the domestic abuser when a person leaves their domestic abuser.

I believe a simple conversation by the authorities, for example police, could reveal the personality type of empath or free spirit. When the victim is pleading for help their thoughts and lifestyle will quickly become apparent. The answers to particular questions would I believe reveal the personality which then could influence how best to assist the victim by understanding the personality type.

The following questions might be revealing. Has the victim ever been able to fulfil their own needs? Have they ever had a belief in themselves or liked themselves? Has the victim ever been happy if not they don't know what happiness is so how do they know when they find happiness? Has the person ever met people who haven't used them? Most importantly has the person ever met someone who has a healthy personality? Questions such as these might help determine the personality type and even the outcome of recovery.

Certainly, I do not believe that labelling every domestic abuse victim as a co-dependent is helpful and I think this has dangerous consequences for victims who are not co-dependents. I believe it is important for a victim to learn how abuse came to be by having an accurate understanding of who he is and how his background influenced how he or she came to be domestically abused.

I hope to have shown in this chapter that there are alternative theoretical models, which are also practical, that could be developed to explain the behaviour of domestic abuse victims rather than over simplifying domestic abuse and relying on the co-dependency model. Co-dependency is considered a psychiatric diagnosis. The empath and free spirit personalities are much 'fuzzier' to determine. The empath's personality is based on psychic phenomena and spirituality, both free spirit and empath having a strong psychic component which could not be measured and would be difficult to establish. The free spirit is an umbrella term for a variety of behaviours that are sometimes reckless but almost hedonistic.

I believe that a short conversation with a victim would reveal if they are more of an empath, free spirit or co-dependent. These personality labels, although firmly placed into categories with corresponding behaviours in theory, often merge into each other.

I believe a structured interview would reveal which of these three the individual might best be described. In such an interview including the above listed questions could be determined by asking the victim about their background, attitudes and beliefs.

When a domestic abuse victim is fleeing their home in terror or begging for protection it soon becomes clear what their beliefs and attitudes are. I strongly believe that considering other personality types such as I described rather than labelling every victim with co-dependency, especially in the absence of a psychiatric diagnosis, would result in more effective treatment of the immediate trauma the victim will no doubt experience having left his domestic abuser and the treatment of the victim during recovery.

In a chapter further on in this book I will describe theories about the healthy personality which shed some light on how a well-adjusted person thinks and behave. These theories also explain a little about narcissism indirectly. In the next chapter I have written a list of healthy characteristics I believe are elements of what I call a Strong Sense of Self. These are an outline of ways of thinking that can assist an individual to be an independent thinker and to be less influenced by the thinking and behaviour of others. The Strong Sense of Self is another theory of mine that is very practical and well supported by psychological knowledge which may help a domestic abuse victim maintain the integrity and wholeness of their thinking and being, in other words how not to be influenced by the words of the domestic abuser.

I hope to distil the main personality theories into what is important in each, how each theory differs in a way that may provide insight, then how all the theories agree on certain aspects of the personality which may help us understand ourselves. These personality theories all agree in essence on what a healthy personality is.

I will discuss two theories I believe are helpful to domestic abuse victims, one of which is a personality theory and therapy created by Victor Frankl. Victor Frankl had been an inmate of two concentration camps where he witnessed the mass murder of his people not once but twice in two separate camps which began in earnest as the allies approached. He had great insight into the human mind and its pain. He suggests how to make a positive out of terror and distress which I think might be helpful for victims. The human spirit truly is unbreakable, we just have to acknowledge the strength of this power within us, which is beautifully put by Victor Frankl and other personality theorists. Read on and we will see there is hope for domestic abuse victims and survivors.

A Strong Sense of Self

This is a selection of practical elements that I believe encourages the development and maintenance of a healthy personality. I achieved a degree in psychology from University College Dublin, a certificate in counselling, and a professional FETAC certificate that qualifies me to practice life coaching. This is a summary of what I would call facts, though some would say theory, that I have learned during this education and also from my own life experience of the healthy personality, what it is and is not. The list describes what I believe is the healthy and effective approach to problems, how to behave effectively with other people and how could think and behave in a way that helps us make our lives happier and have a more effective approach to life. Many of those working in the field of psychology that the list below does form aspects of a person who knows who they really are even in the face of adversity, in fact these elements are very helpful during stressful times or when encountering abusive behaviour.

I experienced a very traumatic period of my life eight years ago. I managed to get through this very tough time. I was so impressed with how I handled myself that I sat down and wrote this document a Strong Sense Of Self where I recorded my behaviour and how I thought that brought through the traumatic time. I wanted to remind myself how I survived this time and created this list.

It was a lonely time as nobody understood what was happening to me, so far was the behaviour of the person I was dealing from the norm people could not comprehend this person's behaviour or his cruelty. The central most important problem for me was that I was being bullied, systematically every day for most of the day over a period of almost a year. I would at times feel I was slowly beginning to believe what my adversary was saying due to the brainwashing he was practising on me. At times I even felt my mind and thoughts were almost blending with his, I could predict the nasty comments he would make. I also was healing a leg broken in four places at the same time.

After some time, I thought maybe I was going crazy and my adversary was not the problem I must be. It was this list I created during this time which helped me retain a strong sense of self, knowing who I am among despite all the chaos. I maintained my thoughts about who I was not what my adversary wanted me to think. I thought and behaved a listed below. Because I maintained knowledge of myself the abusive behaviour stopped.

Having reviewed these elements lately to decide what I called a Strong Sense Of Self I decided that these points would be useful for readers of this book.

In the wake of my own misfortune looking back at that particular time, I can categorically state from my own experience that this list is useful in addressing problems and how we might deal with them. I want to share these personal observations and what I have learned with you the reader who, if you have escaped your domestic abuser, planning to or in the process of leaving I hope this will help to guide you in your difficult times and help make this time of your life easier. I think this list can also be useful too if you are living with the narcissist and have decided for now that you cannot to leave. This list is not helpful for living in a narcissistic relationship as the only option is to leave and no coping styles or person will be able to effectively help you until you leave. I believe this list could help in general problem solving too.

The most important kind of acceptance is self-acceptance.

To believe in our precious value, just by being human.

To make decisions independently.

To have a trust in ourselves that we can manage situations successfully and a belief that all will turn out for the best.

To think logically but also know when to use gut feeling together with this. When feeling good this can happen but if feeling obsessive or paranoid best to use logic with instinct.

What a person says about another is not typically accurate; it is more than likely they are judging themselves because they see what they don't like in themselves in their reflection in you. Thus people's attitude toward another says a lot more about themselves than you.

To acknowledge that we are not victims and that we have the power to change situations through our own behaviour. To realise that life doesn't just happen to us. Most of what we experience in life is a result of our own thoughts and actions. Our freedom among others and life is that we choose our own thoughts and manifest these. We choose our thoughts and feelings, choose good thoughts and good feelings

Have a strong respect for ourselves and not putting ourselves down, to talk positively about ourselves and to think and behave positively toward ourselves. When others show negativity toward you talk positively about yourself to that person. Be aware of the power of words when talking about your-self, other people and situations. There is no need to take on the negative opinions others may have of us because they are just that – opinions not facts. Their approval is not necessary for a happy life it is the beliefs about ourselves that are important and to think positively about ourselves. Then we will show up in such a way as to attract positive healthy people.

We do not have to hold on to bad feelings about events just because it happened. Try to let go.

Live in the present moment and try to see what is right here. The present moment is the only time that exists. The past is over and the future has not begun. Focus on what's pleasant in our present.

I do not have to let what other people do and say determine how I feel and act. I can be happy despite what they say. I choose what I think and how I act.

We must act independently while being able to accept help and advice from others but not relying on a group so much so as to render ourselves incapable of action if the help is not available. To refuse that help should it prove to thwart our efforts in achieving your goal or is thwarting your own thoughts or actions.

Be conscious that on a physical level there is no connection between us and another. The other person is separate to you but also a relative centre equal to you.

If we reward a person's bad behaviour by smiling, laughing or other behaviour that excuses this behaviour then you are teaching this person that you will accept these behaviours.

Tell people what is acceptable and unacceptable to you and insist this is adhered to.

When we respect ourselves others will respect you. If they do not remove them from our lives.

All problems are opportunities for development and learning.

Do not depend on any one person or any one thing in your life. Have multiple people and things in your life so that you will always have some support no matter what happens to other parts of your life.

Remember that we are always an okay person, no matter what people do or say. We are always a human being with rights. I am a child of God.

I am a valuable person. I am always as good as everybody else.

Do not seek permission from anyone to do what you want. Set yourself free and do what you know is right. Do not depend on other's praise, praise yourself. Validate yourself but do not look for validation. Aim to impress yourself not others. Establish your own goals.

Do not let your self-worth be measured by other people opinions or approval of you.

The only true success is being true to who you are and have your own self-respect, your own self-belief and your own self-love. Giving these to ourselves independent of what any person does or thinks will automatically make life better for us because we will better about ourselves.

A Special Mention about Validation

You the reader may not wish to take on the points made in this book as being relevant but this point on validation is what I know is central to the issue of narcissistic abuse and relationships in general. I really hope if you are a victim of narcissistic abuse that you take away even just this one point I am making about validation because many people live happier lives with knowledge of this particular issue. I have stopped expecting validation from others which gives me so much freedom to do as I wish.

I have included two definitions of validation below which do affect people's general behaviour but in particular is a big issue in narcissistic abuse.

"The action of checking or proving the validity or accuracy of something" (Wikipedia).

"To validate a person, state, or system means to prove or confirm that they are valuable or worthwhile" (Collins Dictionary).

Why do so many victims need to feel validated by the abuser? Why do so many think it is necessary to be rewarded either verbally or otherwise to receive value and approval from others? Why does a victim crave this validation?

Validation, as I see it, is really a type of invisible chain for many of us in general. As part of domestic abuse validation is a huge motivator for most if not all victims of abuse. It seems necessary to please the narcissist so he or will not punish the victim, the narcissist will praise the victim and the victim will feel valuable and loved if only temporarily. Perhaps the narcissist has declared the victim performed a task incorrectly and the victim is trying to make up for the often imagined or minor transgression against the narcissist.

As children victims learned that if they were not given approval by parents or other family friends, they may be punished, thus a need to please is learned so as to avoid punishment if the child does not please.

Validation in the definitions above state "To provide the validity and accuracy of something" and "To validate a person.....to prove or confirm they are valuable or worthwhile". There is the problem in a nutshell. The victim craves the narcissistic partner or other personality disordered people to be valued by them and many would need to feel valued by others or even everybody they know. Maybe their partner will be pleased with them since they so often failed parents or significant others.

The narcissist will only value the victim temporarily and sadly the harder the victim works in his or her abuser the less the validation given. The narcissist knows his victim craves to be valued, craves his or her actions to be given the stamp of validation. In narcissistic abuse the narcissist uses validation as almost a carrot stick to dangle in front of the victim. The narcissist will dangle his approval and value of the victim for a short time only but not enough for the victim to feel he or she has been considered valuable for very long and so there is the carrot and stick effect – the victim working hard to be valuable to the narcissist and the narcissist knowing this so infrequently gives validation to the victim so he or she is left endlessly trying to be valued by the narcissist. Possibly the victim is finally not just as good as the previous boyfriend or girlfriend the narcissist fondly speaks of time and time again indicating the victim is inferior to other relationships the narcissist had. The victim is in this constant cycle of doing so much yet never feeling good enough for the narcissist and others.

Now many of us, if not every human being, wants to be seen as worthwhile, valuable and approved of. But not many people would need to try so hard for so long and given such a tiny morsel of approval in return as the victim does by the narcissist. People with healthy personalities, do not twist and bend themselves all out of shape for the favour of others. Most likely in the victim's family he or she did the same as a child to please father or mother or was only rewarded for performing the behaviour the parents wish their child to do. I will discuss this very important issue this further on.

The major issue about validation in terms of abuse is that the victim craves validation so much that he or she mentally, psychologically and emotionally often cuts pieces off themselves and isolates them in their mind from the rest of the brain in a process called dissociation, to be accepted by the narcissist or maybe to keep the peace in the household. The victim at the same time accepts beliefs the narcissist has of them as their own. In a short time the victim will live the world through the lens of the narcissist. All actions, thoughts, ideas and hopes for the future the victim has all end up being rubber stamped by the narcissist. This is all to gain the validation of the narcissist who will keep the victim in this endless cycle by not giving validation for long enough or often enough. The narcissist becomes the victim's life eventually. So how to stop all of this? Read further and you will find out.

How about you seeking your own validation? How about only being interested in your own satisfaction of whatever actions you perform? Fulfilling your very own desires?

Validation from anybody especially partners, family and friends are not needed. It is not necessary.

It is very possible to perform an act whatever that may be without validation or need to be valued and billions of people do so every day. It is possible to act without reward or acknowledgement from others.

Validate and reward yourself. I am not writing about how everything can be done to please the narcissist and he or she may not even mention all your hard work. That is the endless cycle I have described above. I am writing about taking those chains off by releasing yourself from the need for validation from others. Validate, value and reward your own self. Then begin to live a world without the lens of the narcissist or personality disordered people and see how your self-respect will grow.

You are valuable right now because you are a human being!! It is my sincerest wish that in time you will value yourself, accept yourself and believe in yourself without the need of validation from others.

If you take anything on board any points I have written in my book please see that the need for validation is not necessary. Validation is used to control you. Validation used to control nearly all of us in humanity including domestic abuse victims certainly not exclusively.

When you live without validation you will see how you as a person can feel more fulfilled and more confident as your life grows in a way you want your life to be not what a person tells you your life should be. You will have yourself and your life live up to your own standards and expectations.

Survivors of Domestic Abuse

Surviving Insanity by Audrey Michelle

I once tried to kill myself. I wasn't successful in my attempt, though I don't think I cared either way at that point. I had reached rock bottom and ambivalence is the only emotion that survives there. It is said that only the good die young and I have never been good enough for anything. Thoughts of dying were constant within my abused mind. They occupied my bed, attended every meal and followed my every movement. I was buried alive and the air that I breathed lasted way too long. In the moment that could have been my last, I didn't know the difference between right and wrong. I was crazy. I wasn't the "hearing voices" kind of crazy though.

There was only one voice I ever heard and it was not self-created. I could close my eyes and shield his face but there was no way to vanquish his belittlement. His words were dehumanizing and the pain they inflicted was wilful. Through the years of torture his beliefs became my own. Once he gained full control of my mind he manipulated reality, distorted my perceptions and forced my behaviours.

If I had died, it wouldn't have been by suicide. The attempt was involuntary, a reflex. His abuse was like a hammer that never stopped striking, in the instance of my near-death experience, he just happened to hit the right tendon. Somehow I was able to escape his manipulation while maintaining my life. It took all that I had and years of recovery, but I am now as close to sane as I've ever been. In retrospect, I realize I was accountable for the attempt on my life. I was brainwashed however nothing, and no one can dominate a mind that does not surrender control. I no longer desire to die and there is something to be said for surviving insanity; Lunacy makes for really good poetry.

\-- Audrey Michelle

Audrey Michelle is a domestic abuse survivor and advocate. She gives very useful advice particularly concerning the court system. She writes moving poetry on her blog on LinkedIn https://www.linkedin.com/in/audreymichelle/. Audrey also has a popular Facebook page

https://www.facebook.com/audreymichellepoet.

Melanie Tonia Evans and Quantum Freedom Healing

Melanie describes abuse as an opportunity for growth and healing. Domestic abuse survivors can learn about themselves, the abuse they suffered, how they came to be abused, and every other aspect of their emotional and psychological processes. In order to make a full recovery the person who experienced domestic abuse needs to explore and understand how the individual became involved, and stayed involved, with a narcissist. Melanie believes that victims play their part in becoming a victim. This behaviour can only be addressed by the person healing their emotional wounds that are stored in the body not the conscience.

Melanie, who has suffered domestic abuse from two partners, has developed a therapy that has healed over 6000 domestic abuse victims called the NARP Program. Melanie Tonia Evans believes that trauma can only be effectively dealt with by releasing emotions and trauma from the body.

This is a modern approach that addresses the consequence that often develops from thinking and dwelling on issues too much which is 'analysis paralysis'. This means too much thinking about issues can stop people from functioning effectively, analysis causes inaction or paralysis. Emotions do not submit to logic; this is the realm of the subconscious. Most therapists agree that the subconscious is responsible for around 95% of our thinking. Melanie believes that to use 5% of the mind to treat 95% of the subconscious is unworkable. I would use the analogy of trying to mow a lawn with a scissors. I agree wholeheartedly with her healing system and if you the reader have suffered domestic abuse you might research this approach to see if this program might suit you. I have added some links to her work below

Melanie has published a wealth of information on her various blogs, YouTube, Facebook and more. These articles and videos address the concerns of the domestic abuse victim such as how to create boundaries or how to communicate with the narcissist. What I really love about this therapy is that Melanie has found a way to transform the pain of domestic abuse into self-development. She speaks of people not just being survivors but becoming Thrivers the idea being that the victim moves beyond victimization and rebuilds her life, such abundance and positivity enters this new life that the thriver would never have experienced before. I have always been interested in Alchemy, the process of transforming lead into gold, which I see in Melanie`s therapy and advice.

Melanie Tonia Evens believes emotional wounds influence all behaviour, feelings and thoughts. They are marks made mostly after child hood events and parenting that individuals act out in many cases for the rest of their lives. For example, if an individual was brought up with conditional love, the individual learns from the age of a baby only to express what their parents reward them to express. Later in life the individual constantly seeks approval from others and will behave as others wish them to in order to gain love and attention.

By displaying approval, or validation, for only certain behaviours is labelled by the brain as love. This is what the person learned was love as a baby. The domestic abuser only rewards certain behaviour this is then interpreted by the victim as love. What an individual sees as love is learned from birth to the teenager years. What is learnt to be love may not be love at all. Later in this book I explain what healthy love is.

Website https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/

YouTube Thriver TV

The Healthy Personality

Personality theory is useful in helping us understand the various elements of personality and the different views people can have.

While this chapter may appear to be somewhat theoretical these personality types and the particular elements that are significant to and developed in each theory are influential in clinical settings when clinical psychologists wish to asses personalities of patients. This chapter is practical because I have summarized the personality theories that indirectly shed light on domestic abuse. I have described what insight they may have to offer and what a healthy personality is. When I studied psychology I really did not have any interest in personality theories. I also found them boring. I did not believe in simplifying an individual's personality and labelling the person with a personality type. I learned what I needed to pass my exams and had no further interest.

When I was planning to write this book in the beginning, I did not even consider adding a chapter on personality theory. After working with John Dunne, then researching the area of domestic abuse, I myself was at a loss as to understand what a healthy personality is. I use this term throughout this chapter to mean a person with a personality that has the elements of a well-adjusted, optimally functioning and balanced individual. I wanted to discover, for my own information, how this healthy personality came to be and how do these individuals develop. I wanted answers to what their thinking and emotions are like. I thought it would be helpful to detail the aspects of a healthy personality for you the reader so that there might be an understanding of what to aim for in the process of developing beyond the effects of domestic abuse, what this might look and feel like. I wanted to also describe who a healthy person is rather than discussing unhealthy personalities so that you the reader knows what to look out for a healthy mate or friend. A healthy partner can also be a good friend but one who wants to encourage growth and expects independence of the other and for his or herself to be independent too. Both people are not expecting the other to provide for all of the person`s needs.

I will not lecture on what a healthy personality should be. It is my opinion, which I believed in university, that very many factors influence why an individual personality develops both in the past and what maintains it in the present, that the personality cannot be boiled down to just a few processes. That discussion is way beyond the scope of this book. I have included the titles of research papers in the reference section if you wish to study personality theory in depth.

There are some answers I can offer you in this chapter as to how a healthy person behaves, thinks and feels. Personality theorists have agreed on a few key aspects that are considered to be the main components of the healthy personality. I chose and summarized a few personality theories, of which there are very many, that I feel are pertinent to domestic abuse and which might also suggest the most effective ways as to how to think and feel in order to move beyond the victimization and pain of domestic abuse. To thrive as well as survive which is my deepest wish for domestic abuse victims.

Personality theorists do agree on certain concepts of what a healthy personality is. The following is a list of some of these.

Rational self-evaluation

A realistic approach to who he or she really is, not pretending who he would like to be. Consequently, he is not defensive toward others or the world. He does not have the need to be as he knows his abilities and inabilities. Therefore he does not have a facade to defend. He does not need to avoid embarrassment or blame others. He sees criticism as a way of improving himself. Clearly narcissistic behaviour to defend his false self is not rational self-evaluation.

Rational evaluation of rewards

A well-adjusted person takes rewards in his stride, he is not too excited. He does not brag about his success and make others feel inadequate. The unhealthy personality takes the rewards very personally and becomes obsessed with himself and his abilities. If you have ever witnessed a narcissist do a victory dance as a result of a few words of praise from his boss it would be clear how poorly adjusted the narcissist is!!! Conversely failure is deeply personal in the unhealthy personality such as narcissists but he never contributes this failure to himself it is always another person's fault or other people who failed him. This would very likely result in some form of abuse to whoever the narcissist blame for his own failure having an inability to accept responsibility for his or her actions.

Agreeing with reality

The well-adjusted person knows his limits physical or mental and manages these in order to be a healthy personality.

Responsiblity

The person recognises his responsibility in situations. He accepts responsibility for himself and his actions. He can gracefully admit his fault. He does not blame others but sets about correcting his error and learning from his difficulty.

Emotional stability

He keeps a check on his emotions. He ensures his emotions do not go out of control or affect others negatively. He is comfortable with his emotions and can express them with regulation. He does not obsess over how he feels. He has built up enough psychological resilience to manage depression, anxiety and stress. In other words the healthy personality can endure hard times or negative emotions many of which are listed above in A Strong Sense Of Self. Narcissists are obsessed with how they feel. Depression and anxiety are a permanent part of the narcissistic personality and can often be almost addicted to anti-depressants in an attempt to cure what is an incurable part of his or her personality as emotional instability is such an all-encompassing element of who they are.

Focused

The healthy personality has realistic goals that are planned to take into consideration what he can or cannot achieve. The distorted personality type will not be able to keep a focus and all his resources will be scattered because he does not know how to fulfil an unrealistic goal.

Acceptance

The well-adjusted person has the confidence that he will be able to manage social and other challenges. He will work hard at meeting and overcoming challenges. The narcissist often lives in a make-believe world, due to an aspect of his false self, when he sometimes believes he has already achieved these goals. When the narcissist or unhealthy personality realises, they have not achieved their goal this results in him blaming another for his failure and the targeted individual will be abused.

Flexibility

The key to mental health is flexibility. The healthy personality is flexible. They accurately interpret their environment. The responses to their environment in thought, feeling and behaviour corresponds with the true and real nature of the environment. This means that their strengths, weaknesses and motivations are accurately understood.

A healthy personality manages their day to day experience with a minimum of failure and usually avoids difficulties. One of the major differences between the major difference with a personality disordered person and healthy personality is flexibility. A personality disordered person cannot perceive the reality of his environment so cannot relate correctly to his surroundings.

No Cognitive Dissonance

The more an individual's life does not correspond with what is his reality the person experiences mental unease, an almost palpable physical feeling of discomfort. This is because humans aim for equilibrium, a corresponding true reality with their thoughts and behaviours. Individuals who experience cognitive dissonance often self-medicate with some form of drug to decrease this feeling of mental unease.

Emotional Dysregulation

This is the most important difference between a personality disordered and a healthy personality. Comments like "you made me do this" are hallmarks of those who cannot or do not control their emotions. Their temper is explosive and often over an issue or even a sentence mentioned that does not warrant a negative emotional response or an outburst of anger or the silent treatment for days or even weeks.

The fact is that every individual is in some way responsible for their temper. Nobody is responsible for the anger of another. Anger and any emotion begins within an individual not outside of them. The truth is when a person states "You made me do this" or "You make me so angry" is personality disordered. Healthy Personalities take responsibility for their emotions and their behaviour in all situations. A person who makes comments such as the above should be avoided as these comments are trademarks or what is known as red flags that the person is abuser. Anger issues are not just an element of narcissistic abuse immature people in general do not control their anger.

Personality Theories

Maslow`s Hierarchy of Needs

Maslow`s theory is probably the most well known and most used personality theories. This is technically a motivation theory, Maslow created his theory, the hierarchy of needs, to explain how a healthy personality develops. He was disenchanted with psychological and psychiatric theories which were negative toward human beings and the focus was on studying maladjusted patients. Maslow studied successful people most of which were athletes the idea being to study healthy people. Maslow has theorised a hierarchy of needs in the shape of a pyramid. One set of needs cannot be obtained until the lower set below is achieved. The lowest stage is basic needs, then security, third is belongingness and love, esteem some form of success. At the very top, when all needs are met, is self-#actualization.

Self-actualization is the development of the person to the very best he can be. This is accompanied by very positive thoughts and emotions with a very positive approach to life and self. The individual feels very much alive and conscious of his connection as part of the family of humanity. It is self-actualization that is often looked at specifically by those interested in personality theory. Maslow describes very detailed processes that are necessary for the individual to self-actualize as this is the fulcrum of how his work differed to other theorists, he focused on healthy individuals.

A full explanation of this theory is beyond the scope of this book as I am only focusing on aspects of personality theory useful for surviving domestic abuse. There are very many posts, blogs, websites and publications about this theory to learn more.

Allport

Allport`s theory has had a major influence on the understanding of the personality in clinical psychology. Allport believed that the healthy person can break away from their childhood rather than stuck living in the past. He believed the healthy personality is always moving away from the past and pulled into the future by the setting of realistic achievable goals. By pursuing these long-term goals this unifies the entire range of faculties in the human as all these components are integrated to achieve these long-term goals. Allport believed love was unconditional, it was Allport coined this term.

Allport believed compassion is the highest level of development a human being can attain because this means the individual has identified himself as part of the kinship of all mankind. He believed that it is important to work, have hobbies or be members of organisations outside of work which the person finds interesting. This is to support healthy growth of the ego, the stretching from self into elements of the environment.

This is different to narcissism because the healthy individual recognises his separation from the environment, the narcissist believes the environment and everyone in it is part of him. As a result of the individual stretching out into the environment and others beyond his own established boundaries of self, he learns to be tolerant of others as he learns from them.

Allport's Concept of Emotional Security

The person accepts himself through the processes of self- acceptance, frustration tolerance and emotional control.

Self-acceptance: Mature individuals live with their shortcomings with little conflict within themselves. What is key for them is to do their very best in their activities.

Frustration tolerance: To arrive at self-acceptance the healthy personality can tolerate frustration. They develop strategies to assist them in achieving their goals. Frustration is not crippling as with the narcissistic personality.

Emotional control: The healthy individual can regulate his emotions to make sure they socialise effectively. This is not repression. The healthy personality redirects his negative emotions into more constructive channels for example hobbies.

Emotional security is achieved because the individual has a basic sense of security, as in Maslow`s hierarchy of needs.This is not so in the narcissist. The narcissist has a deep feeling of being inferior. He surrounds himself with material objects in order to feel safe. Most of his behaviours are a result of fear which is the single most dominant emotion within the narcissist. He abuses others so that he can control them and have some feeling of control in his life.

A Unifying Philosophy of life

Healthy personalities are forward looking. They move away from the past. They are motivated by long range goals. The pursuit of these goals creates a feeling of continuity, a continuity of the personality which Allport calls "directness".

Allport is positive about human beings, he believes humans have the ability to move forwards as well as backwards. While the healthy personality extends self, others do not become him. The person knows who the individuals in his environment are, they are separate from him.

Each has a separate identity from the other. The healthy personality feels secure internally and does not depend on what is external. The person experiences positive relationships with themselves and others. They are actively committed to the development of something or someone outside of themselves.

With regard to narcissism I have drawn some interesting observations in the light of Allport`s theory. The narcissist may fulfil most of these requirements for him to be seen as normal. High functioning narcissists could successfully mimic most personality traits. On closer examination of the narcissist I would suggest the narcissist does not have emotional security. As a result they cannot express unconditional love, flexibility of thinking (in the narcissist it is typically rigid black and white thinking with no grey area), all emotions are unhealthy and so the narcissist cannot live with his emotions, an inability to regulate his emotions, an over reliance on the ownership of material objects, and a need to control. There is no feeling of being secure and safe despite some mastery of the material world and the control of other human beings. There is no sense of responsibility in the narcissist and will always blame others for their mistakes. The narcissist does not feel safe or secure thus feels the need to control and abuse others.

There is also helpful information for the domestic abuse victim. The healthy individual does not depend on the external environment for security. He self generates his inner security. When the individual feels secure internally he does not need to control. In the case of co-dependents these are helpful insights as the co-dependent also needs to control because of a feeling of no or little security and feeling a lack of self.

Allport believed that people can move away from their past. He states that the entire being of an individual can be unified by the establishment of long-term goals. Victims can move on into a healthy life and a healthy way of being by setting long term goals and developing interests and hobbies in their community. In so doing victims may unify their consciousness and other elements of themselves that have been ripped apart by the past.

Carl Rogers

Theory Of The Fully Functioning Person

Carl Rogers developed a therapy called Client Centred Therapy. He believed the client was the focus on his perception of reality in the present which was more important than the past or childhood. According to Rogers every person's concept of reality is different.

The Actualizing Tendency

According to Rogers all persons must be able to maintain and develop all aspects of himself. This he believed is true of both mind and body because the body grows and changes throughout life. The human starts to develop in the beginning as a purely physiological being. There are very significant changes from a baby to a child, teenager and adult. Rogers theorizes that there is a major change in the body in the twenties and later in middle age and the individual must match these changes in the body with changes in thinking and develop himself, the individual should not be focusing on reduction of stress or tension. The aim of people should be to move toward ever increasing complexity of function and in so doing become as much as he is capable of being. Rogers believed that humans have a natural drive to develop continuously reflected by the changes in the body.

The Development of The Self

Rogers believed that love and approval are extremely important particularly at the infant stage.

Unconditional Positive Regard.

Rogers developed the theory of unconditional positive regard. Love should be given ideally in an unconditional manner. Whatever way the infant or child wishes to behave love and attention should be given. The infant and child should be encouraged to express themselves. In this way the child develops love for himself and confidence as he learns from his parents that however he behaves is acceptable and loveable.

When love is conditional which he called conditional positive regard, love and attention is only given when the child performs the behaviours desired by her parents. Love and attention can be withdrawn when the child behaves in a manner not desired by the parents. The child only loves her behaviour and herself when she receives love and attention from her parents when the child behaves. Later in life the adult child will look towards others for their approval of their behaviour, craving love and attention and behaving as others wish the person to behave rather than expressing themselves, instead relying on validation and whether the individual's behaviour.

When unconditional love is given the adult will express behaviour freely without expecting punishment. The adult receives much attention and love because the individual accepts and expresses herself. The person has a very positive sense of self, she likes herself. Her thoughts are not about how others feel and behave towards her but how she impacts on others and on her environment.

According to Rogers the self-actualizing tendency is very strong in individuals who received unconditional positive regard. They have all the healthy thoughts and emotions to develop themselves through life. They can adapt easily to new experiences, have a very positive outlook on life and healthy emotions. This individual has all she needs to self-actualise, to become the very best the person can be.

It is very clear that domestic abuse victims were brought up with conditional love in nearly all cases. The victim mistakes real love with conditional love and so when their abuser shows them approval for the victim doing as they want the victim too is happy. He or she imagines that is love, when the victim is punished or shown disapproval the victim believes they deserve it, like when they were punished or ignored as a child for doing what their parents or caretaker told them not to.

A healthy individual would expect not to be punished or disapproved of for their behaviour. They have been allowed by their parents to be exactly who they are. These healthy individuals would not be drawn to those who would judge them or control their behaviour.

Rogers believed that happiness is a by-product of living a full life and meeting the challenges the person faces. The person with the self-actualizing potential will always be himself and behaves naturally, never pretending who they are not.These individuals live in the moment. They do not worry about how they will behave while living in the moment because they are so confident, they believe they will handle whatever life throws at them and so they are very happy to have new experiences.

The self-actualizing person trusts the reactions of their bodies to people and situations. Rogers believed the body was more important than the intellect.

Ideally all elements of the person are used for decision making including the body, emotions, the conscious and unconscious, and the intellect. Those who have a healthy personality are independent and resourceful and trust the decisions they make as they trust and have confidence in themselves. This confidence means that they believe in their freedom to make choices. They believe their future depends on their own actions. They believe they can create what they need in life, and so they do. People with a healthy personality are certain they can achieve their goals.

This theory is useful in explaining how domestic abuse occurs. For the purposes of this chapter, as I have already discussed how domestic abuse develops, I will state simply that unconditional positive regard is unhealthy, given by unhealthy parents which in some cases results in the individual receiving or giving domestic abuse. Conditional love causes an arrested development in both narcissist and victim. Both domestic abuser and victim develops unhealthy emotions and thoughts as a result of conditional positive regard. Both grow up focusing on what others think and do rather than focusing how he impacts on others and his environment. The narcissist and victim both feel insecure and unsafe with each other and others.

This theory is very important in explaining the importance of allowing the child to express itself without punishment or the withdrawal of love and attention for not performing prescribed behaviour describing behavioural results in children as a result of not doing so.

Errich Fromm

The Productive Personality

Fromm believed in the importance of work for an individual to develop. He believed that individuals can rise above their passive roles and become creators, active shapers of their own lives. This he believes is the essence of psychological health.

He also stated the converse can happen; some persons can become destructive creators. They focus on destroying and for Fromm these individuals are psychologically unhealthy.

Fromm believed that a sense of identity, being an individual and not pretending the person is different to who he is.

Fromm developed his theory during the Great Depression in America. He believed that the state and society is very influential on the individual. Fromm hoped and believed that in the distant future the one focus of society will be to foster the development of every individual.

Conscience

Fromm believed that there are two types of conscience. The authoritarian conscience represents an internalized outside authority such as authoritarian parents that regulates behaviour through punishment and fear. The humanistic conscience is the voice of the true self and the individual rather than an internalized representation of an external voice of authority. The self-directed personality grows from the humanistic conscience.

Jung

The scope of Jung's theory is very broad and impossible to explain with a few sentences here. I have only described a few elements in this chapter which is particularly relevant. This is a positive and insightful theory of the human personality. The overinflated, selfish, tyrannical nature of the ego and the unconscious is described in a more positive light.

If you are interested in Jung after you have a taste of his theory read The Red Book A Readers Edition.

The Structure of Personality

The Conscious Mind: The Conscious Mind contains thoughts and feelings connected to memories. The conscious mind filters out unwanted information.

The Unconscious Mind: The dumping ground of the conscious mind. The conscious sends threatening material of the conscious to the unconscious. Jung believed a person's genetics influences these processes and material stored in conscious and unconscious.

Tendencies to react to our world is influenced by the collective unconscious, how our ancestors even thousands of years ago reacted to the world.

Individuation

Jung believed there may come a time in a person's life when they can become individualised. This is from the forties onwards when the person can explore themselves and the unconscious. Behaviour, values and thoughts of the past have minimal importance as they no longer apply since the individual is experiencing the depths of the unconscious. The practical survival needs of the individual are surpassed. As the individual explores the unconscious, he develops new values, thoughts and behaviours. Full maturity is only attained when we become our real free self and express this real self.

The Collective Unconscious

Personally, I think this is one of the most outstanding theories of the unconscious and the mind I have ever learned. This is because as a young psychology student I had no idea what the collective unconscious was or what Jung's theory meant. I knew how to write the words of what it meant in exams and essays. Psychoanalysis was unscientific and so I had no real interest in learning about Jung's theory.

The collective unconscious is like a sea of beliefs, thoughts and behaviours that stretch right back in time to the beginning of man and along the development of man, our ancestors. All this information has been passed on to us today in the form of genetics, dreams and the unconscious. The unconscious is the sea of this knowledge we all have. In other words the way we think and behave is still influenced by our very first ancestors, so that even now, we might believe that attacking the enemy when threatened is the best solution because this is what our ancestors did. On an individual level the narcissist, and the victim, also have developed from patterns of upbringing passed on from thousands of years ago!!! Science is now agreeing, and a new scientific study called epigenetics has begun to explore the effects of ancestors on human genes.

To access this vast sea of knowledge a person can dive into the unconscious to explore its depths, the meaning of what the client finds in his unconscious.

The collective unconscious communicates with us, according to Jung, through archetypes. Archetypes are mental representations of our ancestral information in the form of mythical characters. The identification and meaning of these archetypes can only be discovered by examining art, dreams and other methods used in psychoanalysis. Examples of archetypes are the Lover, Magician, Sage, Rebel and the Eternal Child. Each of the archetypes has positive and negative aspects but and all offer an understanding of people.

In terms of domestic abuse this theory is very positive. When the victim leaves the narcissist, it can feel as if your whole world has fallen apart. In the material sense it has. Many victims lose their home and their belongings. There is a terrible sense of having to rebuild your life now in later years. You might think how wrong and unfair this all is.

In Jung's theory this is part of a healthy life cycle. He believed, as did many personality theorists, that having to restart life completely is ideal in terms of development. The individual most likely truly experience their positive true nature.

Perls and Gestalt Theory

The Gestalt Prayer by Perls (1969)

I do my thing and you do your thing

I am not in this world to live up to your expectations

And you are not in this world to live up to mine

You are you and I am I, and if by chance we find each other it's beautiful

If not it can't be helped

Gestalt theory focuses on finding meaning in a seemingly chaotic world. The human mind uses perceptual processes to create meaningful and whole perceptual representations. The client achieves insights about himself through investigating these perceptual processes and representations.

The above poem is useful, not only for domestic abuse victims, for understanding that all of us are individuals. All of us, no matter how depraved, inhuman or demonic we appear to be, have a God given right to live on this plane, because we are already here. In the grand scheme of the world all of us have a reason to live on this planet, we all have our own individual purpose for being here. Nobody has the right to change another unless they wish to. That is what this poem expresses so well.

In essence, like it or not, the fact is a narcissist is a narcissist. He or she is doing what a narcissist does. That is all. No healthy personality would live with a narcissist because in time they may face death, after they have been abused. The victim has no choice but to leave and stay away. Gestalt Therapy is still very popular.

"You are you and I am I, and if by chance we find each other it's beautiful, if not it can't be helped."

Do not try to change a person, even the narcissist. It is much better to change yourself.

The personality theories vary in many aspects but there is some agreement in general.

Unconditional love of the infant and child, allowing the child to express itself, is the best predictor for a healthy personality. The healthy personality expects unconditional love. He is always himself and does not pretend to be anybody else. He believes in himself; he creates his own resources by trusting his ability to make the right decisions. His attitude and beliefs about himself, the world and what is taking place in his world correspond closely. The centre of power to have a good life is within himself. He can control his temper and his emotions. The healthy personality is always striving to be the best he or she can be. Happiness is a by-product of living a healthy challenging life.

Starting a new life from time is normal and means the person will grow and develop further especially when having lost most or all of what they had. The view of most personality theorists is that this standing still so typical of Western culture and expectation, having a high-level employment, a mortgage and 2.5 children for the rest of their lives is stagnation

.

The personality types above when studied in detail all suggest that trying to maintain life in the very same form for most of a person's life only stunts growth because the individual has little opportunity to learn about herself and grow. The personality theories indicate that leaving the narcissist, and staying away from the narcissist, is the ultimate growth experience.

Victor Frankl

I believe Frankl is a very important personality theorist in the context of domestic abuse in terms of leaving the domestic abuser and starting a new life. He also developed a therapy called Logo-therapy which is still practised today. Frankl has plenty to say about torture, terror and death having been an inmate of two German concentration camps. I like this theory and his book Man's Search for Ultimate Meaning because his approach to human beings is refreshing and his beliefs about people are almost overwhelmingly positive which is further developed in his book.

Frankl paints an optimistic picture of human nature. He believes that we are free of the effects of the past. We are not shaped by social and cultural forces and we are not dominated by the physical environment, no matter how oppressive. Frankl believes that we have a well of spiritual strength within us to decide our outcome.

The Transcending Self

Frankl does not emphasize the self. He believed the ultimate power that motivates person is in transcending self. It is the lack of meaning brought on by the loss of meaning and purpose in the world, not just his own life alone. The transcending self is the part of an individual that can overcome any adversity when they experience meaning in their lives. Frankl believed that misfortune, even what we might think of as evil, can transform an individual's inner life to transcend all adversity and in doing so comes to see his or her nature as a being connected to society and then a higher power.

Frankl`s theory was not taken seriously by psychologists as this theory does not explore the self as in all the theories just described which was considered of paramount importance since Freud`s theory of the ego.

Frankl continued to theorise even more controversially the importance of self- transcendence, developing beyond the ego to the spiritual self. This is what will mend the lack of meaning a person may feel. That reaching this spiritual level of self will offer additional means of well-being when other pathways are not available.

He believed that the intrinsic meaning and value of life was important than any other form of personality theory.

Frankl believed that by developing the spirit within us many other resources needed to maintain a human being will be obtained.

I believe that since Frankl experienced a waking nightmare and still had positive for human beings and a positive belief in a higher power is testament that there is at least some truth to his theory. His book Man`s Search for Ultimate Meaning is a master work on humanity, what we are capable of and how belief in Life/Universe/God or whatever name a higher power is given is essential. I highly recommend his book for domestic abuse victims and survivors to inspire hope in ourselves during or after another living nightmare which is domestic abuse.

This theory offers domestic abuse victims hope. Here we have a man that really suffered extraordinary pain.

In his book he expresses his forgiveness of his Nazi captors when he survived his possible annihilation along with the almost annihilation of his fellow race in Europe. He describes how his spiritual development was responsible for enduring and recovering from the horror. More surprisingly he expresses concern and love for the Nazis as well as the other Jewish people. To best understand him and his ideas I recommend you read Man's Search for Ultimate Meaning.

Effective Dating and Real Love

In this chapter I summarise what I have researched about dating and the nature of love. I have read the books of authors that differ in approach and culture yet there are astounding similarities. I have read a book by the metaphysical author Doreen Virtue, a well-known television personality Dr Phil, the Hindu spiritualist Deepak Chopra and peace activist Mahatma Gandhi. It was not difficult for me to combine the approaches of these authors as each of them agreed on the points I will list here.

I will begin this exploration of dating using quotes from sources that give advice about courtship:

Gandhi

"Love never claims, it ever gives. Love ever suffers, never resents, never revenges itself."

In reference to people who chose mates with unhealthy partners Gandhi said "Blind surrender to love is more mischievous than a forced surrender to the lash of the tyrant." This means that you should carefully consider the person you are dating.

The Bible

I admit I am not part of any organised religion. Yet when I personally, by myself without being lectured to, for me the Bible has some relevance to people and the world. There is a most beautiful description about love and what real love is.

Saint Paul said:

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonour others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres"

This is a general consensus of what Gandhi, and the Bible about what love is. Deepak Chopra in his book Conversations with God writes similar to elements of what love is in his book in the following list.

Caring

Feeling comfortable and peaceful

The other person is enough as he or she is

Trust

No need for constant giving or receiving of attention

Not feeling threatened

No worrying about what the other thinks

The other has responsibility for themselves

Correction is not given in the form of punishment

Correction is not given by ignoring the other

There is a discussion about any changes in behaviour

Both people discuss an issue and are given equal say

Both are listened to and heard during these talks

Behaviour is accepted to the other.

When the other is requested to listen he listens patiently

No anger when one shows the other emotional pain

If the behaviour is unacceptable the other will leave

There is no attempt to change the other

Non-judgemental

Both are treated with care, no punishment or violence

Aggression or passive aggression is not used

You are a match for each other. No need for changes

Both feel wanted but do not need constant attention

Safety is self-generated by each other and shared

Both are allowed time to themselves

Both have space that is respected by the other.

They are not constantly in each other's company

The other is not a substitute for what the other misses

Neither partner is a resource, both share their resources

The other does not seek and exploit weakness

Hobbies and interests are well respected

The person is not mocked by the other

Validation is not constant

Both respect each other exactly as they are

Most importantly both people want the other to develop and is happy for the other if he or she develops

Implementing the above points in a relationship is not an issue if there is a match for each other. When there is a period of time taken, at least two months, to observe each other during dating. Each sees how the other measures up to them, how the person's habits and behaviours affect him. They would explore the health issues of the other. This is in the spirit of establishing suitability.

A narcissist uses this period of time, a much shorter dating time, to find weaknesses that can be used as hooks for their prospective victim. In normal dating one "weighs up" the other. Time is given for both to think about what effects the other would have and if these would be positive or negative. Each allows the other space; they do not smother the other with attention. The narcissist does not allow this time for his or victim to discover. He "love bombs" his chosen victim giving them much attention, gifts, holidays – anything the victim wants for him or her to fall for the narcissist and it is not uncommon for the victim to choose the narcissist as a mate within only several weeks or even a few days after meeting.

How is it possible to determine a narcissist from a healthy man or woman? The earlier chapter on personality theories explain. Firstly, the above dating procedures are not adhered to. The prospective victim through love bombing is showered with attention. The narcissist gives no time to the other to think about him or her. The narcissist will spin lies to impress. He will mimic the desired behaviour of the other as he methodically discovers what makes people tick quickly and dispassionately without compassion. From the first moment the narcissist meets the other he is studying his victim for possible weaknesses of the other. In this dating process the narcissist is looking to hook the victim and draw them into living with them, not suitability. Unfortunately, rather than taking the time to court as healthy individuals would using the above process, the victim also chooses to short circuit the courting rituals and does not investigate the other thoroughly.

One day the victim wakes up to find a total stranger lying beside her, possibly looking just remotely like the fit hunk she dated. He or she might feel a pain on her face and remember her partner assaulted her that night while they were on holiday isolated from friends and family.

One way of deterring a narcissist is to take time courting using the above processes. This is not an exhaustive list. Read Deepak Chopra`s book The Path to Love for thorough courtship procedures.

What does a healthy relationship look and feel like? The relationship involves two mature individuals who are already whole. They are mature enough to know that they are enough just as they are.

Neither are substitutes for what is missing in the other.

The two people have successfully established suitability so there is no need to change each other. They respect each other.

The weaknesses of one are not used against each other. Their resources are pooled together yet each keeps enough for his needs. They come together to share themselves and their lives and then return to their own lives. The relationship is almost another entity that connects the two together yet each is separate. Read Deepak Chopra`s book The Path To Love for more details on healthy relationships.

In the case of narcissistic relationships most if not of all the above points are missing. The normal courtship rituals are short circuited and not used or respected. The narcissist uses dating to find the weakness of the prospective victim and to hook the victim. Suitability of the narcissist for the victim is not established and not considered by the victim.

Ultimately there is no love only a desire by the victim for attention or love which will never be fulfilled and the narcissist mining the victim for narcissistic supply. Refer to my earlier chapter "The Macabre Dance of the Co-dependent and the Narcissist."

Love will never be forthcoming as the narcissist cannot love, love is not part of his or her nature. His desire is to mine the victim for narcissistic supply.

All the above points I have made about the nature of love and Deepak Chopra`s beautiful description of love he expresses in his book is absent. This is why I described at the beginning of this chapter of the narcissistic relationship not being a relationship at all, merely the narcissist extracting narcissistic supply from his or her victim and behaving in ways and using words that are effective in obtaining supply.

A series of transactions between narcissist and victim. That is all and nothing could be further from love.

The Domestic Abuse Victim and Dating

It is safe to say a domestic abuse victim is at risk, when he or she leaves the abuser, for the whole cycle to begin again and ending up with another domestic abuser. This is because, as I have suggested, that there are processes within the psychology of the domestic abuse victim that draws narcissists to them and the victim to a domestic abuser.

I would recommend the work of Melanie Tonia Evans who discusses this clearly and how to deal with this issue. Melanie Tonia Evans has copious amounts of excellent material on You Tube, Facebook and her blogs. She is a recovered domestic abuse victim who has dedicated her life to healing victims of domestic abuse and also a very successful business woman. I really could not recommend her more. She offers a healing program that often breaks this vicious cycle when her system is used.

To summarize the process of assessing the suitability of a prospective mate in the case of co-dependents, empaths, free spirits, and people in general I would suggest turning the spotlight on the person you are dating. Instead of worrying whether he or she will like you, you focus on him or her, do you like the person.

What do you think about the other? What do you feel about the person? Does he or she measure up to your life and who you are? How does your body feel when with the person? Do you feel anxious or drained? Possibly your stomach tightens? Are you backing away from the person or folding your arms defensively? Your body should feel pleasant, comfortable and relaxed as a positive reaction. The body gives out many signals when meeting others for the first time when the body is listened to. Did you grimace or frown when you met the person? did your body step away? maybe you feel slightly nervous after meeting the person. The more notice is taken of the signals from the body when meeting others it is easier to determine their suitability for spending any time at all with them.

When the dating progresses into possibly two weeks then further questions can be asked to assess the suitability of the other. Dr Phil in his book Life Code describes perfectly how to assess people during dating and many other types of relationships.

In your relationship right now do you feel like you are the person giving all the time. Is he or she always taking? Is the other endlessly talking about himself and you contribute very little to the conversation, when you do you are often interrupted? Does the person demand all your spare time? Does he mock you pretending he is joking, putting you down? Is the person stroking your ego, regularly stating how brilliant you are in a myriad of ways? Does he or she brag a lot about how great they are? Do you feel that you must dim the light of who you are so as the other will feel equal or even better than you? These are some questions that can form your boundaries, what you will accept and will accept from others. Again, I refer you to Melanie Tonia Evans for more on boundaries such as her YouTube, blogs and her healing program Quantum Freedom Healing which I cannot recommend enough. This information and system are central to John Dunne`s recovery.

In my opinion there are three main elements to be particularly watchful of. Do the actions of the person match his words and does his life as you see it match what he says? For example, if he says he does not drink then you spot him in a bar drinking. He tells you he has a top managerial position in a certain company, you look him up on social media, which you most definitely should do and research the person as much as you can, you find he works in the postal section. When this happens cease all communication and find another person to date. That person has lied to you even in the early stages of dating and will continue to do so. He wants you to take part in his make-believe world.

You are only interested in real people with real lives who do not lie and live in the real world. Otherwise you too get dragged into the make believe and lies.

Can you discuss your emotions, or discuss emotional subjects maybe what happened in a film? Do you see a blank face in the other, like there is no expression of emotion? If not, this person has no emotion, which is necessary for a loving relationship as love is an emotion. Run the other way and keep on running, do not look back. Normal humans have emotions. Narcissists do not experience emotions except for fear, anger and anxiety. That is the sum and total of their emotional range.

Is he or she always blaming others, and you, for their mistakes? They never, ever take any responsibility? This for me is another red flag to exit fast. A red flag is a term given for signs that an individual is a narcissist, very many of which I have included in this book. When you start to live with the person you will be to blame for all his or her problems. You will be the one who will be the butt of their frustration and eventually their abuse. The person will tell you that you made them do it, you made them angry. So just walk away or run away possibly.

This chapter is really a summary of so many issues and possibilities for dating and love. I have attempted here to give you the reader a taste of what needs to be considered when dating and what is love. This is a complicated process for every human being but for people who have experienced abuse it is a veritable minefield where so many serious mistakes can be made.

I strongly urge you to read the books I have included above and to look at Melanie Tonia Evans material.

This is the only life that each of his can live right now. Find a person who respects you and who will give you real love. Slow the process down so that you find someone who does not have to change for you or that you should change for them. You love him or her just as they are, the same respect and love is returned to you.

It is my wish for you that you do find true love. That true love begins with you loving yourself first.

Court Orders for Protection and Escape

The information in this section is not only my opinion. I have studied research on the use of court orders and their relevance to domestic abuse victims. This section is insightful on how to maximise the effectiveness of court orders. This chapter is almost a "dos and don't s" advice section. It is important to note that the circumstances of each domestic abuse case are different to others to some extent for example in terms of what abuse is addressed by court orders and the attitudes of local authorities such as the police. Overall most of the information I offer here is applicable to the effective use of court orders for the protection of victims in domestic abuse relationships in general.

Court orders are necessary to obtain so that the police have the legal ability to protect victims from domestic abuse. A court order may be temporarily given and then a court date will be set for a judge to determine with a court order be made for a longer period of time from maybe six months or longer depending on the laws of the state, country and the judge's decision. I strongly advise, as is stated in much of the research on this topic, that these orders are best used as a protection while exiting the abusive relationship not as a long-term solution. If one partner has an order against the other, or both have, this relationship should end just in the light of the fact that court orders are needed for both in the relationship.

The only realistic, effective and permanent solution to domestic abuse is to leave the relationship. These orders in time are usually ignored by narcissists, most research on this issue states this is the case. In many cases the narcissist is successful in also acquiring an order in retaliation to the victim acquiring an order, claiming the victim is the abuser. In these cases when both people have protective orders and the police are called both partners are typically taken to the police station. Both stories are listened to and then the police decide who has broken the order. It is also important to remember that a temporary order is given to protect you only until both you and your abuser attend a court hearing when a judge will decide if the victim, or the domestic abuser pretending to be a victim, requires a court order for an extended period of time. In this court case the victim needs to prove he or she is a victim and the narcissist is an abuser.

In Ireland and the court statistics are that less than half of victims looking for an order for an extended period of time are successful. This means the odds are less than 50/50. temporary protection order s for six months is granted more easily.

In America the judges in some states are even stricter on granting extensions for extending restraining orders. It makes sense then to use the temporary order to safely exit the relationship as an extension is not guaranteed. In Ireland a typical extension is six months to a year. I think the victim should use the protection they already have, the temporary order, to exit the relationship rather than hoping for an extension which may or may not be granted and will not be respected by narcissists.

Frankly, a narcissist will not change over a period of a few years, they rarely ever change and never permanently. If they do change it will only be for as long as you are behaving as they want you to, while it suits them and if you can keep giving the same amount and quality of their drug narcissistic supply. Stop giving them narcissistic supply, you will see the narcissist never truly changed and that he or she is just as fiercely abusive as he or she was in the past. This will be when you will need to leave. A court order for protection is very useful to protect you while you exit.

It is very likely that the narcissist will use court orders against the victim. It is most likely the narcissist will break the court order. In America victims are being put in prison over night as the narcissist or other domestic abuser is successful in convincing the police they are being abused by their victim. This is especially true when the narcissist obtains a court order against the victim. It is usual then for the narcissist to use the law, both the police and judges, as an extension of abuse. The narcissist is an expert at playing the victim. This will be followed by court attendances where the narcissist will be an actor extraordinaire, telling convincing lies and even enjoying the attention he or she receives in court. The narcissists attitude is that he or she is the main actor on the stage in the courtroom. The victim will most likely be traumatised and exhausted from an escalation of domestic abuse approaching the court date. It's probable the narcissist will attempt to wear down the victim to decrease the victim's effectiveness in court unless the victim, with the assistance of the authorities, scares the narcissist away which would probably be only temporarily. This unfortunately is a regular occurrence in District and Circuit courts.

When the victim initially acquires a temporary protection order or restraining order this will usually offer protection until the narcissist makes plans on how to deal with the victim's move to protect himself or herself. The victim should make it clear to the police the danger they are in. When the victim uses these orders and presses charges, then and only then, will the order be most likely to act as a deterrent to the narcissist. It is within this window of time the victim can leave effectively and safely when the domestic abuser will be at his or her weakest. This is when police can be most effective. At this time the narcissist can be frightened off by the victim and the authorities. The narcissist will panic, due to his or her typical fearful and anxious frame of mind, during this period of his initial shock. This is the time for the victim to strike and leave the relationship when his safety is optimised by pressing charges and the actions of the police.

Briefly expanding this topic on the use of orders I want to mention a little more about the narcissistic personality and the domestic abuser in terms of leaving them safely. There is much written and many videos on YouTube about the seemingly invincible, overpowering and the supernatural nature of the narcissist.

I want you the reader to understand the narcissist is HUMAN! Despite all the scaremongering about narcissists that is all over the internet. Being human each narcissist has strong points and weak points. The nature of the narcissist is text book. When you have met one narcissist, they are roughly all the same apart from the distinction between the cerebral and the somatic. In essence one is more concerned with thought, the other is obsessed with his body, but narcissists can possibly be both. When the narcissistic personality is understood it is possible to predict what the narcissist will do.

I like to use the term the "garden variety narcissist"!

Audrey Michelle, a social media activist for domestic abuse victims, taught me one day it is only necessary to know how a narcissist is thinking not what they are thinking. For example, they are all slaves to and crave their fix of narcissistic supply. They all hook their victims by finding their weaknesses. They all have phenomenally high levels of fear and anxiety that go through the roof. The behaviour of narcissists is common to that personality type. The details of their thinking differ but it is their behaviour that needs to be understood as this is an aid to leaving the narcissist in terms of predicting what the narcissist will do and to plan reactions to those behaviours. Knowledge is power!

Narcissists and domestic abusers are scared individuals, all of them. They are riddled with anxiety and boiling over with fear due to a paranoia they hold about what they perceive as the constant threats the world and most people in it harbour against them, except for their victim. This victim gives the narcissist a sense of control, the narcissist can abuse the victim in a multitude of ways to make themselves feel good, this is the essence of domestic abuse.

Men and women who are sure of themselves and have maturity do not feel the need to dominate others. Only weak and scared people feel the necessity to glory in their imagined power of abusing a person who is weaker than they are or has been made weaker than them by breaking the victim down over time.

John Dunne had a seriously fractured leg and knee in several places. He had extremely serious asthma, his nebulizer was a precious piece of equipment that often saved his life. His narcissist had hidden this from him and tried to take it from him altogether while at the same time telling anyone foolish enough to listen to him his vital inhalers were bad for him when they were necessary for him to breath! Thankfully this was not believed by any person John was in touch with. Are narcissists really that strong and invincible? No, cowardly and weak is who they are. Remembering this may limit the fear when exiting the relationship but it is still necessary to be cautious by planning well, using a court order effectively and enlisting people to assist you while exiting the relationship.

Do not waste the time of the police by not pressing charges on the domestic abuser. Their time will be wasted, they may lose interest in protecting the victim. What is the point in police coming to the house if they think the victim will not press charges? The police can be very busy and their time can be precious in assisting others who are also in desperate need of their assistance.

Police will be more inclined to assist your escape if they know you are serious about defending yourself by using the court order correctly and pressing charges. It is also typical for a domestic abuser to claim the victim was misusing their order by only threatening to call the police without doing so which can be used against them in court. These orders will only act as a deterrent by making use of them and pressing charges. I understand the fear a victim might have of the consequences of using the order and the possible retribution by the domestic abuser yet using the order has the capability of reducing the abuse or even scaring off the abuser.

In short use the order immediately when the domestic abuser abuses you, call the police without letting the narcissist know if necessary. Then the order may be more likely to be obeyed by the narcissist and his solicitor in court cannot accuse you of constantly threatening the abuser as part of the narcissists defence. Yes, it is sometimes a daunting task to use an order but use the safety granted you by the court but immediately using the order when faced with abuse is absolutely necessary otherwise there is no point of having one.

I am attempting to explain that these orders are not a long-term solution, in fact the victim's life can be made more difficult by the typical flagrant disregard of laws in general by the narcissist and the use of the courts as an extension of their abuse toward victims. Never physically attack a narcissist, even in self-defence, because the narcissist will use this against you to claim he or she is the victim. Leave the space you are in if the narcissist becomes violent and get help. Use the protection of the law to defend yourself. I would strongly advise to obtain temporary court orders to leave the relationship safely. If one or both partners need court orders then it is clear the relationship has broken down, so leave with the protection of the police.

It is no life at all to be using safety orders or restraint orders on a domestic abuser, him or you going to jail, then a trial in court, an application for another protective order in a year or so. Protection order s are a blunt legal tool to deal with the legalities of domestic abuse they do not solve the personal issues in a relationship.

Healthy personalities will not live with a domestic abuser. None of your needs, even your basic needs such as food or security, will be met by living with your domestic abuser. Life can only be better, will be better, than living with the torture of domestic abuse for the rest of your life and you having the status of being little more than a slave to your tyrannical abusive master. It is possible to leave the domestic abuser if you believe in yourself and enlist the support of others.

I know the above information is not what many victims want to hear about court orders. I have researched this thoroughly including helpline and victims in forums. I am only providing some of the facts.

You can experience real love and you can live a life without abuse. The use of the law can be a beginning, the power IS within YOU to end the abuse permanently and lead a better life. I wholeheartedly wish that you will.

Be the master of yourself and your own life!

Surviving and Thriving after Domestic Abuse

By

John Dunne

I think most people if they were to walk in my shoes might feel very isolated and very lonely. Sometimes three, four days maybe more I would not speak a word to anybody and I might not hear the words of another speaking directly to me. Yet I am re-experiencing the world in real clarity, like the difference between a film in 2D in comparison to 3D. I can feel the warmth of the sun on my skin. I can smell sea air. I can see the beauty all around me. Cities fascinate me like they did when I was in my twenties before the two narcissists entered my life. I feel like a slave released into freedom might feel. I have started going to all the places I used to go. While I always scan the area when I arrive as all the places I liked going to I went with the narcissist, once satisfied he is not in the area I can enjoy myself.

I never wanted to control him as co-dependents like to control. I never did control him or anybody else. The accusation of me being a co-dependent he made in court was just yet another lie among a river of lies, an ocean of deceit that was his thinking and actions that I had been submerged and nearly drowned in.

I believed he needed love and I gave love to him in abundance. I asked for nothing in return. I expected nothing in return. I was the quintessential devoted husband. Nothing to do with control. Just blind love. My sin was to love someone who was incapable of love. This oversight nearly cost me my life.

You see, every evening and all day at the weekends I would receive a barrage of words from the narcissist, all about him. His drama of the day, his stress as a result of somebody else's behaviour. He would babble on about his anxiety, depression and whatever physical maladies he had. This would be followed by some drama about his family followed by an urgent phone call to a family member. All in one evening!!! Then this would go on and on at the weekends. This behaviour was a feature of my daily life for nine years.

I could say I waited for him to go to work to relax but he rarely did a full week's work. So, I heard so much of what he had to say, so much so often, that I forgot who I was. I became his thoughts. The shreds of what was left of my own way of thinking, even my perception of my life past, present and future, he used against me.

He discovered my fears and when the abuse escalated, he recreated those fears and he himself became my terror, because he mimicked the demons in my mind. Yes, I did allow that, it was my responsibility to separate my thoughts from his. But this process is insidious, I become worn down for long enough that I felt I had always thought the same as the narcissist. I forgot who I was. I can understand the concept of narcissistic supply now which when I first learned about it in the local Garda Station as I begged them for protection, I am forever grateful because I would not have survived without them. I don't care who says what about that. I knew my life was in danger and I don't need anybody to validate that.

Being a fairly practical person, I thought this term, narcissist, just meant the man or woman just craves attention but the term narcissist means so much more. I had sacrificed myself in terms of my identity and my life at the alter of his vanity and self-importance. But it was me that did that, not him that did that, it's important to take responsibility for my actions.

The energy of myself, even on a more basic level my thinking and feelings, he sucked into him. My mind had become his, just with words alone not even including sex or other behaviours, especially in later years when he became violent in a last-ditch effort to control me. I often wonder if I had chosen to return to him would he have raped me? Because he had raped my mind and so many other levels of my being. I could say he broke all of my boundaries, dancing over them daily, except I did not know what boundaries were. I have learnt what they are and how to create them which I now enforce without exception of who that person is.

I had twisted myself out of shape in so many ways to accommodate how he thought over the years. I twisted my intuition to silence it from telling me what I did not want to hear. I twisted my perception of him. The sadistic man laughing outside the court after his trial did not even look like the attractive man I thought he was for years. Worst of all I behaved in ways I would have abhorred to see myself behave before I met this man. My life increasingly became all about him and ever decreasingly less about me and eventually he became my torturer.

Lately I have discovered a lesson that I have not read or heard of yet. I have been spending a lot of time walking outdoors so a lot more has become clearer to me.

Often in the past I have been harshly judged, even by family members. I have often, probably 85% of the time firmly accepted that blame. If somebody or a few people are so angry with me then obviously I am in the wrong, I believed this to be so.

In my last year with the narcissist he was furious with me to the point of assaulting me twice, before I obtained legal protection and help from the local police. I know I would not have lived were it not for their support and protection.

Every problem in my ex's life and even within him was my fault. I "made" him angry. My behaviour, he believed, caused him to go out of control, when all the while he was planning to control me. He wanted me to retaliate and I did. He could keep his temper with the police or whoever else he was trying to manipulate. I never made him angry he was well able to turn anger on and off like a tap, only angry when nobody was around. Nobody makes anybody anything, people allow it.

He was angry all because of me but really, he chose to be angry at me. What I know now is that I should not accept blame or anger. I am not responsible for anybody else or their feelings except myself. There was nothing I ever did or could have done to that man to deserve being assaulted. He had firmly convinced himself I was abusing him!!!

Now I realise I am not always at fault if someone is angry with me. Whether I am to blame or not a person is responsible for their thinking, feelings and behaviour. They chose to be angry. Just like the narcissist chose to be angry about something I didn't even do!!! I am responsible for how I react to that anger. Lately I thought about that too. I have realised you do teach people how to treat you, most definitely, I have not a shadow of a doubt this is true.

In my case throughout most of my life if an argument occurred, well, I would most likely say it was my fault having been told all my life by family that I was the problem. Next time after being verbally abused I would speak to the person as if what they did not happen. I would smile and be the same way. I did not do so to manipulate, I thought I was being loving and kind and to the other I was. Though I was abandoning myself each time I did this, I was not being true to myself. We all chose our behaviours and thoughts nobody makes us unless we allow people to dictate which is also a choice.

I was nearly murdered by my partner for all the time blaming myself. This was a lesson I needed to learn. When I realised this months later I felt great freedom as I learned I was not responsible for what others do and think. I am actually thankful to the narcissist that I learned this, I would not want to go through the rest of my life like a dog to kick, accepting the rage of others who were not mature enough to accept responsibility for themselves.

I have also lost friends since I have learned this. I am often told the "old John has changed". While that is unfortunate for them it is not unfortunate to me. I am not going to smile any more while somebody accuses me of what they did. I do not want to be the past me, I want to respect myself and have others do so. Neither will I accept people at any cost to myself. I have boundaries now that I enforce. If friends or family cannot accept these positive changes well that is sad for them because if they really loved me they would delight in the positive changes I am making. Again, I am not to blame for their disappointment of me no longer being the "Old John". I am sorry friends and family cannot adjust but I am creating a healthy life now and very healthy friends are coming into my life who love my independence of thought and self. No friend or family, if they truly liked or loved me, should expect me to accept abuse. I will no longer accept abuse; I will no longer allow it into my reality.

While I thought being nice was a way of being peaceful and getting on with the person what was happening was that person learned I would accept that behaviour. I rewarded the behaviour with smiling and pretending nothing happened. I didn't show the person I was upset about their behaviour or ask them to stop. This is very far from being a peacemaker. I was not being honest with myself or the other and this is a controlling behaviour to pacify another. This was very maladaptive for me too because this meant the person could lose their temper again and again. Then others learned they could do the same.

Behind all of this behaviour I did believe I was a bad person, because I accepted the negative beliefs of others and what people had said over the years as my fault. I was brought up this way so I did not know I was not responsible for other`s thinking and behaviour. Smiling and taking responsibility for my ex`s behaviour nearly got me killed. The narcissist knew he could abuse me without any reprisal from me.

Like the lies of the narcissist I do not have to believe what others say. What others say says a lot more about them than me because we all project ourselves onto others. This is a human way of being. What I know now is to be true to my truth. What I mean by that is I must know what is true for me and be honest about what is true for me. Be willing to express what is true to me and be willing to defend or assert that. People have the right to disagree with me but never, ever, again will I set myself up for being a punch bag for anyone.

Nobody has the right to verbally, psychologically or physically abuse me. If a person has a problem with me, they can talk to me about it but I will not accept abuse from anyone ever again. I will simply not allow it. I will stay out the way of an angry person and let them abuse somebody else, it most definitely will not be me!!!

I have liked myself as a person as in my appearance and my personality.

What I know now is that I didn't love myself. If I had loved myself, I would not have accepted the abuse of my ex-partner before we lived together or at any time in our 'relationship'. I would not have neglected my body in order to look after his body with his imagined sicknesses. I would not have accepted his mocking words, although to be fair that was so ingrained in my family that this passed for normal behaviour to me. In short I would have expected respect particularly during the dating phase. I am not being harsh on myself, I am simply taking responsibility for my part in accepting abuse not from the narcissist alone but everybody else past and present so I cannot blame the narcissist for that but he did highlight the issue to me. Of course the narcissist was abusive, but I have learned my truth. I am reflecting.

What has astounded me the most is that while I did not really have that much respect or love for myself so many other people in this whole mess have. People I never knew or the type of person that has assisted me that I never would have dreamed would help, people that have really rolled their sleeves up and worked hard to assist me. People with really big hearts. I can see these people love me, I can see the love in their eyes and in what they say to me. Just the same as I could see the almost demonic anger in the narcissist's eyes, that he hated me.

These people did not even know me. When I didn't even love or respect myself! There are people I could rely on to help like my mother and Willie and Bridgette Boyd. The same happened with staff from Amen. The CEO Eilis Barry from FLAC who came all the way out to meet me in Kildare to discuss a complaint and later she helped me, when she was on holiday, to speed up the process of obtaining a solicitor from the Legal Aid Board which was like pulling teeth from the Legal Aid Board. I really roughed her up that day and she still helped me, twice. A few weeks later she was asked to give a speech about the domestic abuse of women in the United Nations and she made a point of saying that men are also domestically abused.

If it was not for the police I would be dead. Mind you I did a hell of a lot of my own work to keep myself safe.

I will never forget the kindness of Garda White on 25th November 2016 and how he listened to me for so long. Gave me just enough information about narcissism to let me know I was going down shit creek without a paddle. How I begged him for the protection of the guards, how he did not fail me. Then the guards going so far as to prosecute Jeffrey.

The fact that prosecution failed was not the guards fault or my fault, the prosecuting barrister never opened her mouth. The judge clearly didn't care about domestic abuse and cared even less about me judging by that snarling face of his as he glared at me, I was guilty before I even opened my mouth. At least there are some decent judges.

The guards got Jeffrey to leave the house for almost three months. Then Garda White wanting to be a witness in safety order 'hearing', and I use that word lightly, except the judge would not allow him. That wasn't a fair hearing. He also was going to be a witness in the safety order appeal, which did not go ahead since my ex was found not guilty. None of that was the guard's fault. They still saved my life and made sure I was not harmed, that was what I begged them to do and they did. I have no complaint about the guards in my local area, they are good people each and every one of them.

Eamon from The Simon Community trying to assist in finding me housing, if I rang him for a meeting he would meet with me as soon as possible sometimes within two days and John from MABS, both started giving excellent legal advice. Eamon also became a person I could talk to when I was distraught about other things.

The NARP program that was given to me free because I told them I had no money. Clarie emailed me for months two or three times a week. The young girl in the natural health shop who spent so much time advising me what would help the various skin conditions I had, her advice continues to control the skin conditions. There were others too. To this day strangers go really out of their way to help. Lately the local TD Catherine Murphy's office of the Social Democrats, her colleague Naula helped me to obtain rent allowance.

So many good people have taught me that if they love me enough to help me then so should I love myself too "warts and all".

Some days I get quite emotional, it is like as if all of humanity wants to help me. I am not afraid of people anymore, or rather the narcissist didn't ruin my trust in people because people are very kind whenever I ask for their help. I see the world as a much safer place than I ever did in my whole life.

I will never again be able to think I am a bad person or I deserve to be treated badly. All I need to do is think of all the strangers that did love me and helped me so much. My family are the only people who have no respect or appreciation for me.

The love for myself will never again depend on the approval of another. I am never again going to worry about whether a person approves of me or not. I am as I am, take me or leave me. All these people cared enough to help me when I did not care about myself. I do not criticize myself anymore – I am my own best cheerleader.

I know the Creator and the archangels love me too because I stayed alive and I stayed physically well. I was psychologically damaged during the escalation of the abuse then I used the NARP program and I am healing in so many ways psychologically and emotionally. All this has proved to me I am lovable and should love myself, I will learn to.

I need to care for me too not everybody else. The care I give people is at best taken for granted at worst and usually forgotten. No member of my family would ever acknowledge I helped them in any way. The tragedy is I continued to give that help without expecting anything in return often becoming ill in doing so. I never learned my lesson of just stopping and looking after myself, let the feelings of responsibility for others go (another empath characteristic and lesson to be learned). Even though I tirelessly looked after my ex even when I was sick he eventually threw it all back in my face too and he has said, as most others have done, that I never helped him or did anything for him.

So, lesson learned already!!! I will be responsible for me now and I will care for myself, just me for now. As Melanie Tonia Evans repeats in her articles and videos I am responsible for me and nobody else is responsible for me nor are others my responsibility and this realisation has helped me feel free in life, not chained by other's wants and needs. I do not care anymore that I am blamed in my family for not helping them. That is a lie. But let time rewrite history. I know what I did and didn`t do and to who.

I have been doing this during my recovery and this approach to life has made my life a lot easier. This may sound odd but I do appreciate what I do for myself now and I do not take my own self care for granted. Now I am loving me and looking after me. God the relief!!! For most of my life I have lived for others now I will live for me and run my own life. I am already feeling so much better as a result.

Co-dependants often care or support people as a means to control them. I never did this. I helped people because I wanted to help and no other reason. To make the world a slightly better place for even one person even temporarily. I give money to people on the streets when I barely have money myself. Anger always scared me and still does. That is a few of the hallmarks of an empath. Now that I know anger can result in physical violence, in fairness to my parents there was no violence in my upbringing, well, not at home. At school I got beaten up a few times but that was a long time ago. Because of violent domestic abuse I am terrified of anger and having arguments. But I do not want abusive, angry, argumentative people around me.

I often encouraged people to be independent especially as a care worker working with disabled people. Any activity they could do themselves I let them go ahead and do. Others did not take the time to do this. Sometimes I was critiszed for taking too long with these activities as a result. I was interested in life coaching because the principles are founded on the person using their own resources.

For the most of our years together I didn't control my ex. One time he and his family were getting help for him because he was apparently mentally unwell. He asked me to help him and when he asked I did assist him. Other than that he did as he wanted. Even though he said in court I was always trying to fix him in order to paint me as a co-dependant.

The truth was he never put me first in our 'relationship'. It was all about him. He rarely did anything just for me and if he did it was to control my behaviour. He openly admitted he often controlled me to control his anxiety that I might be 'causing' him. I just thought that if he wanted to be that way let him.

I have bipolar 1, the worst type. I had become used to being controlled by the state in a psychiatric hospital for most of my teenage years. Control was a part of my life. My point is he never put me first because he loved me, this was because he is not able to love - narcissists do not love. I never controlled people because I knew from receiving psychiatric treatment how I did not like being controlled in that way so I never controlled anybody.

He used my bipolar against me and in the end he could have had me locked up when he lied to the authorities. I had to beg the guards that night I begged for help in the station not to lock me up if he asked to have me locked up. I did not have to convince them. The guards were amazed I was so mentally together. One night I called the guards. I always remember my ex saying when I told him about my bipolar swearing he would tell no-one and would never use it against me. The wolf in sheep clothing indeed.

There really is nothing spiritual about obsessing over the care of others while ignoring my own needs. I am not responsible for everyone in the world, I thought I was. I cannot carry everybody's pain. I thought I could. I am not responsible for anyone but me.

The fact that I incessantly helped and supported people even when sick, sometimes faced with abuse as well not just from the narcissist, really was me putting a sign on my back that said "Kick Me". By behaving this way people knew they could get what they wanted from me and behave exactly as they wished toward me and there would be no repercussions. For them it was a win win. I would come back for more. I let people treat me like that. I am responsible for that not anybody else.

I behaved and thought like an idiot and they treated me as an idiot.

I had no self-respect most of my life, I did not care for myself enough and I did not even love myself. The long and the short of this is I ended up living with a narcissist as a result who saw the sign over the years on my back that said "Kick Me" and eventually he did many times and very hard, nearly killing me while he was at it.

The narcissist also did me a huge favour. He highlighted these issues. By getting lost in him I found myself again. I learned who I was and what I had to change. Now I have a chance to make the rest of my life better. I never realised all of this was going on within me. I thought I was very balanced and centred; nothing could be further from the truth. He made me see the cracks within me which were the hooks he controlled me with. Many kicks in the bum during my life were not enough so life sent me a juggernaut truck, the narcissist, to show me that I really did need to clean up my act. It is because of the narcissist, my ex-partner, that I realise so many of these aspects of me that I was blind to. When I learnt of these wounded parts of me I was shocked that I was limping through life like an injured soldier.

There is a belief that domestic abuse just happens. Nothing in this world just happens. To say that the person is just too nice is true. But also there is learning about self for the victim and to put it all down to bad luck can stop this learning by the victim and also reinforces the feelings of victimhood. Learning from what the narcissist reveals through abuse sets the victim free. However, the victim must leave the narcissist before this learning can take place.

I think it is sad that he himself will be in pain for the rest of his life. His own dark mind existing in it's own self-made prison with his terribly strong tyrannical ego as the prison warden. That is sad. I still have a true self and I can unlearn these issues by healing my emotional wounds with NARP but sadly my ex-partner never will change. It's almost as if he will go through a lifetime of hell for me to have the pleasure of discovering who I am and what needs to be fixed in order for me to have a happy life. I thank him for this and his self- sacrifice so that I have the chance to mature and become a better person.

I cannot save him. I tried to point out the right path to him. I even put myself in danger by returning to him last year to do so. But people can only change by choice, I knew that from my recovery of bipolar. Of course when the abuse continued I knew there was no hope for him, this is who he truly is and let him be. I loved his soul at that point not his horrendous personality and his deplorable ego.

Then I learned if I cared enough for myself and loved myself enough I would not have put myself in danger. That I had a lot to change and improve about me, he was happy with being a narcissist. The guard was amazed I had come so far on that fateful night when I told him was trying to show my ex the right path and if that did not happen by the time the protection order ran out then I was finished with him. I think the guards may have decided to help me when they knew this. They would not be wasting their time by giving me the protection I begged them for. It was clear I would leave the narcissist they just had to keep me safe while I did so.

I am no Mother Teresa but I tried to be. I wanted to make the world a better place. I still do. I have made mistakes when assisting people, because of my "Hero Complex" I often enabled people rather than helped them although my intention was to empower. I would have been better if I walked away from some people, I know now I did not know then. I am just saying I always had good intentions, I never wanted to harm or control people. I enjoyed helping others and still do. But no longer at the expense of myself.

My situation was even worse than co-dependency because I usually got no benefit. There has to be over one thousand people I helped without receiving in return or even seeing these people ever again. Because I like to help people that is all. At least in co-dependency the person also gets to control others by "helping" people, even the narcissist. Instead of violence they use caring and niceness for example smothering their opponent with nice treatment and using the silent treatment to control. That is abuse too, depending on the individual that can be a very upsetting way to be treated.

Neither is there any practical or spiritual use for me seeing the good in another when it is not there or there is only such a small amount of positivity in a person that for me to spend any amount of time with them is not healthy and marrying or living with such a person may have life threatening consequences. Even Jesus warned about the "wolf in sheep's clothing" and discernment is often mentioned in the bible.

Hopefully I will have done enough work on myself to make my next choice the right choice when I start dating in the future.

The court system was a horrendous experience. I can say as a matter of fact that I was seen as the problem by both judges. That they had judged me before I even opened my mouth. As an empath (I have seen three consultant psychiatrists and I was never diagnosed co-dependant and I am not even though the victim is supposed to be a co-dependant) I could feel how negatively the judges thought of me which was proven by their judgements.

To hear the judge call it all "little arguments" really abhorred me and by his own words reveals not just his lack of understanding but no understanding at all of domestic abuse.

I was not able to behave effectively in court because I was so ran down by the abuse from the narcissist. Neither did he behave well in court on both occasions. Yet I was not granted a safety order and we was found not guilty in his criminal trial. My experience in court was traumatic, it brought back to me all the feelings I had from how most people treated me past and present. A sort of microcosm that contained all of the feelings I feared the most within me and the terrifying events I associated them with which were being negatively judged, abandonment, helplessness, fear and hopelessness. I feel so badly about what happened to me in the court system that it is the experiences in court that have delayed my recovery. I am trying to settle out of court with my ex-partner. I still have disturbing nightmares and flashbacks from my experience in court.

Domestic abuse behaviour is even more lethal and insidious if some judges think that using abusive behaviour toward their husband or wife is acceptable behaviour. To think nothing of domestic abuse is to condone criminal behaviour. To not punish domestic abusers who break the law is irresponsible and encourages further criminal activity. In my eyes the minimalisation of the seriousness of domestic abuse has wide reaching consequences for us all.

Now I own very little. I have a mobile, my laptop, and a few clothes. Everything I own is locked up in the house, even though two solicitors wrote him requesting my belongings he has refused to do so. A month later to the first solicitor he replied via his solicitor simply stating he would think about it via his solicitor. Controlling me even after I left just like I told the guards he would. Narcissists try to take everything

My ex will never be happy. The only parts of him, typical of a narcissist, that are real are his anger, depression, anxiety, hate and these emotions he desperately tries to subdue with antipsychotic medication and anti-depressants. He will never give or receive real love as the person who loves him only loves his false self, not the real him. He only wants narcissistic supply from his victim which is the opposite to love. Every day he lives is a lie and every day he lives will be nothing but a struggle to defend and maintain his false self. I believe in Karma, what comes around goes around, and I really don't believe that a person can cause such pain to another without punishment from life. Anybody I ever knew in reality or on television programs about psychopaths and sociopaths are usually imprisoned in the long term, come to a sticky end or end up in extremely unhappy circumstances forever. This man could have the most beautiful mansion and be a billionaire and will still be miserable angry, anxious and lonely. To me that alone is a life sentence in prison for him. I actually do feel truly sorry for him.

Conversely, I'm healing all my emotional wounds and I do have a possibility of having a really good prosperous life full of true love, fun and real friends. I need to learn how to care for and love myself. If I can do that I won't be domestically abused again because I won't be attracted to that kind of scum again.

While I have so little I have never felt the world as being so bountiful, even when I travelled in my twenties I didn't see such plenty in life and certainly not in Ireland. Full of nice beautiful people with big hearts. While I have never had so much robbed from me yet I never felt I had so much in my life. I have never seen the Creator as being so loving toward me as over the past year. He made sure I lived through this experience, stayed in one piece and afterwards that every aspect of myself was healed. He has transformed my horrific experiences into something good, the generation of an improved me with a capacity to develop even further.

I can really understand how Van Gogh painted such stunning pictures of ordinary landscape from the tiny room he lived in and later the psychiatric hospital. There is such extraordinary beauty even in one flower or a cloud. The world does look like that, stunning.

Now suddenly I can walk around freely. Not having my head crowded with my ex`s words and feelings. I am beginning to experience who I am. How I think, what I think, how I feel, what I am feeling. I am peeling back the layers of his words and ideas and his beliefs about me, and members of my family that I accepted and everything else to find who I am that has been buried under all these false opinions and beliefs he and my family have.

Wherever I go I am there. Me. Not me and him, just me. We are no longer joined at the hip. A whole team of professionals, friends and family saw to it we were separated, at my request. I won my freedom but not by myself and every single day I think of these good people and how they continue to help. The only issue for me is I can never repay so many people for saving my life and so many other things. I do make sure they know I am very grateful. I know I will think of every one of them every day for the rest of my life and bless each one.

I have been taking down that wall brick by brick where the real me was hiding from the emotional and psychological abuse that took place in my family which later was ramped up by him to include insults of the most vile nature and then the assaults. From the ashes of our relationship has grown the true me.

I am alone but I think it`s great!!! Another fantastic benefit is I can go where I want, when I want and for as long as I want. For so long when fettered to him I often had to go where he wanted, when and for only as long as he wanted. I could have said no but I did not want the consequences of doing that it was easier to just go along with him. Now I am free to do want I want. Like when I was a teenager and I wasn't too fond of staying in Maynooth I made friends with teenagers from Dublin and I really had a righteously fun time!!!

I know, my activities are a lot less exciting now but I do have that same freedom. This may all seem like small things but I believe domestic abuse is also a form of slavery. Your freedom is taken from you, right at the beginning of the relationship, then your mind and eventually your body if you are assaulted or your medication and even your food becomes controlled by the abuser. I felt like I was completely taken over by him gradually over the years I lived with him and in the last two years I felt as if he had taken me hostage. When you leave the narcissist, you have to start all over again they often take everything the victim has, like a freed slave. I have lost my own home but what I am going to do is make the world my home.

I am not alone or lonely. I have never felt more connected to who I really am and the world. Sometimes strangers just smile at me in the Central Library in Dublin where I like to write or in other places. They are often men of varied ages and sometimes women. I smile back. I wonder is this because the person fancies me or sees the real me standing in my own shoes, not a twisted version of the narcissist? I think probably both. What I know for definite is that people react so positively and are so helpful toward me because I finally really love who I am, even my imperfections. I think people feel comfortable around me because I am comfortable with myself. Having said that so many strangers helped me to leave the narcissist and kept me safe while I did so even when I did not love myself, teaching me that if they loved me without even knowing me then I should love myself. I have been working on that. Part of my recovery has been to do with learning particular ways of thinking and feeling that most people have learned but I never did because I thought about the well-being of others too much, whether some care to acknowledge that or not. Not in a controlling way.

I do not crave the acceptance of others anymore. I think a lot of issues I have emerged from my treatment of bipolar and how I was thought to manage it. Techniques such as sound boarding, asking the partner what I should do as a "Reality Check" about this or that because maybe my anxiety was too high for me to trust my own decisions. Also requesting my partner to tell me whether I may be high or low. Even today, I see it on the internet, these techniques are suggested. But my ex-partner used these to control me.

When sitting in front of a psychiatrist or nurse you want them to accept how you are thinking, feeling and behaving otherwise they may think you are mentally unwell. I sometimes would purposely behave in ways that would hide if I was extremely depressed not wanting to look odd at work or in college. When I developed bipolar as a teenager my family had to, this is not the right word, but they had to control me so that I did not do anything stupid when I was manic or depressed. I had to be hospitalized because twice it was possible that I could have a heart attack. Despite the vigilance of all involved I still attempted to commit suicide, I had a genuine intent to die. It was not a cry for help so controlling me to a certain extent was necessary. When the narcissist controlled me from the beginning, I didn't see that there was anything wrong about this. Of course the motivations were completely different I know that now.

My family and health professionals were trying to help me, my ex was taking me hostage. Had he confiscated my psychiatric medication, well, that would have been the beginning of the end for me. Had he messed with my asthma medication he would have killed me. He took my nebulizer off me.

The good news now is that I can control my bipolar although it is often a daily struggle. Domestic abuse victims almost always suffer breakdowns. The Quantum Healing developed by Melanie Tonia Evans focused on releasing emotions so since controlling my emotions is a necessity for me I was also working on the sick part of me that could have brought disaster into my life if I did go manic.

I do not need boyfriends now to assist me to control my bipolar nor will I ever give anyone that power again. I know I can control it myself. This knowledge and new ability to regulate my body, along with the help of professionals, will massively increase my independence. Instead of me asking myself will the other like me I ask myself what I think of them and worry about how others act and feel I believe in my own opinion. I have my own self-love, my own self-respect and my own self-confidence independent of others.

I do not tolerate people's anger when they think they can vent their frustration on me, I just walk away. I do not try to get them to stop being angry, I leave them to deal with their anger themselves by whatever means they need to. I do not listen to criticism from others because I do not care if they think badly of me anymore. I do not endure their negativity toward me and I certainly do not believe it unless it is constructive. If people do not want to speak maturely about their concerns to me I stay out of their way too.

This is not about avoidance or passive aggression. These days I often think of The Beatles song "Speaking words of wisdom, let it be". Let people be as they are but I have a right to be me too. I can have compassion towards others for their behaviour but first I have a compassion for myself and I do not tolerate any form of abuse including verbal abuse.

I have learnt that people are often not like me. People do not generally think about God as often as I do. Some try to pretend God does not exist. I cannot deny His existence since I have been brought to safety so effectively away from my domestic abuse. There have been other times in my life I wondered into danger and emerged unscathed. God has been very patient with my careless behaviour!!! Some people are not always as conscious of the feelings of others as I am. Others don't have the same respect as I have for people. Sadly, others live a whole lifetime immaturely, often bitterly, as they have not learned about themselves as I have learned about myself.

The house still needs to be sorted and I am still trying to get my belongings back since he changed the locks of the doors a few months ago . I began this odyssey in desperate attempts to save my life and keep myself safe, trying to protect my life whilst ensuring good physical health. I know that there are still a few people that doubt the serious danger I was in. I sometimes hear "oh not the guards again" or "not more court", "Why do I need to do all this?".

I have achieved the most important requirements victims and all of us has, my physical safety and my life. All my abuser had to do would be to forcefully seize and interfere with my medication to make me unwell with poor asthma or drive me crazy by messing with my psychiatric medication. He could have easily killed me by taking my nebulizer. This man planned both my assaults. He was clever enough to take me away on holiday and plan my first assault away from my local area without friends or family. He is still trying to control me by not dealing with the house and taking everything I own for leaving him, just like he said he would. I have pulled out all the stops and unreservedly made every move necessary to preserve my life, dignity and freedom. The steps I took were, all of them, absolutely necessary.

What I have not realised until now is that I am so proud I have stood up for myself in the determined way that I have. For the first time in my life I stood up to an aggressor and declared "Enough!". That I have had enough and I will take no more!!!

I have done everything necessary to protect myself and save my life. All this time it was not important what other people said I should or should not do. I was the only one with all the facts therefore I knew I was the only one that could make the final call on what I needed to do. While I began this journey desperately looking for answers from others who I thought knew better than me I have come to this point where I trust what I think needs to be done.

I no longer have regard for people telling me what I should or should not do. I make my own choices and 99% of the time I make the right decisions. The 1% of my decisions I get wrong I accept I get wrong. Then I simply learn what I need to learn and go about clearing up the mess and making another decision to set it right. I am making really big decisions such as what to say to a solicitor or say to a garda. My ex has been involved in criminal acts that I still have to deal with. Once this year I was legally obliged to give information to the guards about the narcissist activities. BUT I have given myself the freedom of making my own decisions based on my own experience and advice is truly amazing.

Not only have I managed to keep my life and preserve my physical welfare I also now have the added bonus of coming to trust myself with the certainty that I can, and will, make the right decisions in my life. I really feel so much better in myself with the knowledge that I will never let myself down again. That I will trust myself to run my own life and to never let another person run my life for me. I will never be able to describe accurately the relief I feel now that I am the one in control of my own life. I will make sure I will never accept the shackles of the control of another as to how I lead my life.

People may believe they have a right to be angry or project onto me their own problems expecting me to "take it". My old ways of thinking and behaving nearly got me killed. I have well and truly removed that "Kick me" sign off my bum that I wore for most of my life because that is what people did, they learned from my inaction that they could be abusive towards me. I have taken almost two years to repair the emotional and psychological wounds through my own efforts that I sustained during my life and false teaching from my parents which have left me open to manipulation.

I have self-respect now. I love who I am. I am free. I am free to be myself and to live as I wish to. I am not just starting a new chapter. I am starting a whole new book, a whole new life! I can learn all these lessons and build a much better and happier life!

Take me or leave me but don't try to change me. I know now that I am enough with or without the approval of others, my own home or partner, even if I had nothing at all.

John Dunne`s Third Court Appearance 2019

Two years later in April 2019, John went to court for a third time. His ex-partner Jeffrey was trying to keep John`s name on the deeds and mortgage of the home that Jeffery was the sole occupant. If this were to happen John could never get another mortgage and no help with housing from the council.

At the beginning of the trial Jeffrey`s barrister began listing what John had and had not paid, them some of what his narcissist had paid. The judge interrupted and stated that there were many more issues involved in the case including psychological, emotional and the very sorrowful nature of the relationship and the break up. This was highly unusual for a judge to take these elements into account. Finances, money spent and money owed is the main consideration in court cases involving couple break ups when mediation fails.

John had developed a serious heart condition. He felt an urgency to settle his legal affairs because had he had a heart attack and passed away he wanted his legal affairs to be settled or his mother would have to deal with his house. Previous to that he had had developed a Hypersensitive Type 4 Reaction to a flu vaccine followed by the same allergic response to the treatment from which he still suffers from almost two years later. Friends and family feared he would die, he had lost three stone in one month and was nearly all day and night in bed. He all the time felt the pressure of having still being tied to a house which he did not even want and had he had the option of living there without Jeffrey he would not have done so, there too many bad memories for him there.

|John continues to be extremely sick from the allergic reaction from almost two years later. His doctor that gave him the vaccine gave him no support and he started see a homeopath who has been of much help. He has difficulties with his concentration and memory, he also has poor understanding of new information, at this time of writing.

John`s legal team had decided that since John had most definitely been domestically abused that mediation was not an option that his solicitor would try to set up a meeting where he and Jeffrey be represented by both solicitors and discuss a settlement. John`s solicitor had a requested a meeting five times and when she asked for a sixth time Jeffrey sued John with the intention of keeping his name on the deeds of a house and a mortgage even though he would not live in the house. This would ruin John`s chances of having his own residence. A major issue for John was that loans could be taken out on the mortgage by Jeffrey that John would have to pay if Jeffrey would not do so as is Irish law.

In this court case what was really hanging in the balance was John`s deep desire to have his full freedom. To eject his narcissistic, abusive ex-partner from his life entirely. To live free from his controlling ex-partner who was insisting John keep his name on the deeds and mortgage that John could not live in. To have what was everything he owned returned to him that the narcissist had robbed from him and kept them in the house not allowing John to remove his belongings as Jeffrey had changed the locks of the house.

John`s team valiantly defended John in court, he had a very formidable team the solicitor working with the barrister perfectly as a team. The third court date was very stressful for John because of being in court a third time and the serious gravity of his attendance in court. The ruling would affect the rest of John`s life. A friend of his accommodate. The barrister was working to make sure that John would not be a witness due to having so many physical issues. This was granted to him. His barrister then spoke up for him to the judge on his behalf.

John had no wish to keep the house. Jeffrey left the house after the police arrived that night in December 2016 as both John and Jefferey used their protection orders. Jefferey using his as a method of controlling John and even have him put in a psychiatric hospital which he asked the police to do, they refused. John used his protection order due to the panic caused by being "Put In Fear" due to Jeffrey`s psychological, emotional, mental, verbal abuse and the ensuing manipulation of the police. Jeffrey left their home for two months. During this time John fell into a melancholic type of depression, none that most people would understand.

John writes in his diary entries "the house was a sarcophagus to my relationship with a man who did not exist. Jeffrey was acting to be who I wanted him to be, that was until I stopped being who he wanted me to be which was when the assaults began. Jeffrey was just constructs of lies and deception so that I could be his main fix of narcissistic supply. This was close to Christmas and he was beside me with grief over a relationship that never was. Twelve years of lies from Jeffrey pretending to be who he was not, then finally taking his mask off and the terror I experienced when Jeffrey abused me on all levels of abuse except sexual. I thought Jeffrey was capable of sexually assaulting me.

I had no desire for to keep the house because there were so many bad memories. When I was in the house on my own for those two months I cried and cried. Because I knew if I did not act to somehow protect myself that he would murder me. He had threatened to a few times. Jeffrey was getting increasingly angry because he was frustrated that I would not just give up on my life, that I was fighting back. I never realised how much I wanted to stay alive and to escape Jeffrey. I did so but then legalities over the house went on for two years."

Jeffery would not be upset as he, being a narcissist only cares about himself and his own emotions, people were simply objects for him to mine for narcissistic supply and attention. Jeffrey never cared about John as a person, John was simply Jeffrey's main source of narcissistic supply to feed Jeffrey`s massively overgrown ego.

After his third court case John was victorious, he said to me "It is only today, after defeating him in court and Jeffrey being ordered by the judge to take name off the deeds, pay me €10,000 for doing so, box up all my belonging`s for them to be collected by two friends of mine that I am now truly free. My solicitor and barrister worked so valiantly for my freedom. At last, one judge has ruled in my favour, the judge has set me free. Finally, after four years, I am victorious!!!"

John had to endure two years of injustice because of two judges who had ruled unjustly in Jeffrey`s favour. John was humiliated in court on two occasions, judges who did not understand his situation, and cared even less. On this third court case John was victorious, a judge had granted all that John had wished for. John no longer had any ties to Jeffrey and was free to walk on his new path to a better world. He does not accept abuse from any individual. John had already found healthy and wholesome friends with integrity who care very much about him just as he is.

References

The Wit And Wisdom Of Gandhi by Homer A. Jack (Dover Publications 2004)

Assertiveness For Earth Angels by Doreen Virtue (Hayhouse Inc 2015)

The Path To Love Deepak Chopra (Hayhouse Inc 1996)

Man`s Search For Meaning Victor Frankl (Basic Books 2000)

The Red Book A Reader`s Edition (WW Norton and Co)

Life Code The New Rules For Living In The Real World (Bird Street Books 2012)

Allport, G. (1955). Becoming: Basic Considerations for a Psychology of Personality. New Haven: Yale University Press. Allport, G. (1961).

Pattern and Growth in Personality. New York: Holt, Rinehart & Winston. Frankl, V. (1962). Man's Search for Meaning: An Introduction to Logo-therapy. Boston: Beacon Press. Fromm, E. (1955).

The Sane Society. New York: Holt, Rinehart & Winth

About The Author

Gabriel Woods is the author of Easter Rising1916 A Family Answers The Call For Ireland`s Freedom and the second edition book A Memoir of the Easter Rising Events 1916 – 2016, Short Stories Of Ancient Ireland, Secrets Of Abuse Survival and also his trilogy a supernatural, science fiction, adventure novel The Golden Age Dawns.

Gabriel Woods achieved a degree in psychology in University College Dublin, Ireland. He then studied a postgraduate course in UCD which focused on the management of humanitarian aid work. He learned about African culture and the issues aid workers face in Africa.

Gabriel Woods has travelled around the world. He has lived in Sydney and Brisbane in Australia. He has explored sacred places of aboriginal culture and important religious and cultural Hindu, Buddhist and Muslim sites of India. He learned about the spiritual practices of the people that live and worship there.

Gabriel Woods has lived in Dublin, London and Edinburgh. He has travelled widely throughout mainland Europe including Spain, Greece, Cyprus, Netherlands and Germany, with a focus on areas of cultural importance.

Gabriel returned to Ireland and has worked voluntarily for the Aware helpline that supports people experiencing depression and anxiety. He is a fully-qualified life coach. He lives in a village near the banks of The Royal Canal.

Gabriel Woods has recently become a committee member of the Irish Writers' Union and assists authors with their writing and publishing process.

I really appreciate you reading my book. Please write a review of this book on this site, Goodreads, or any other shop where you might review books if you enjoyed the book.

Connect with Gabriel Woods at the following social media addresses:

Email: contact@booksbygabrielwoods.com

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gabrielwoods@gmail.com

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Books By Gabriel Woods

The Golden Age Dawns - Novel

Eudoxia \- Smashwords Review

A page turner from start to finish. From Ireland and the UK, Amsterdam, Spain and the Sudan the story weaves a marvellous cocktail of impressive characters and their plight as they are recruited by The Protectors of the Light to assist in the battle for Earth. It is a journey of self-discovery and personal commitment to a higher power and a call to arms to aid a greater cause than their own. The age-old tale of the forces of light battling the forces of darkness with humanity caught in the middle is brought to life in such a way that captivates the reader from the get go. The author's characters are rich in scope - both the good and the bad. Plot after plot and twist after twist brings the two forces together in a head on clash, one to save and evolve humanity and the other to subjugate and control. The Golden Age Dawns is a hyperdimensional action thriller that magically assists the reader to experience the vibrational difference between good and evil. Gabriel Woods shows, in graphic detail, the remarkable differences in character that each of us has a choice to align with. He shows the extraordinary difference between those who chose to live with love in their hearts and to perceive the world of darkness that exists for those who do not.

I can`t wait for the sequel.

Lori Ah Loy NSW Australia

Easter Rising 1916 A Family Answers The Call For Ireland`s Freedom

Kelly - Smashwords Review

When writing a book review, I am always very conscious of simply rewriting or repeating the synopsis. I find this unnecessary and unhelpful to other readers. So ... without analysing too deeply (or giving the plot away) 'Easter Rising 1916: A Family Answers The Call For Ireland's Freedom' is a good read and, I believe, accessible to all readers.  
The author has blended social issues at the roots of The Rising with historically factual events and human emotions to create a powerful novel. I found the cast of characters effective, believable and engaging. I cared about the characters and found myself wanting to know what happened to them as the story and the drama unfolded. I experienced a range of emotions and I felt very moved by the plight of the characters. The author effectively contrasts two very different worlds that co-exist and collide, highlighting suffering and social injustice. The hidden, dirty, grey, poverty-stricken, suffering, helplessness and sickness of Mary's life is juxtaposed with Paul's privileged and picturesque life in Dublin, by the sea, where castles and gardens are covered in roses and rhododendrons. Despite the differences, their paths cross in an unimaginable way and their lives are forever changed by events.

The imagery is very descriptive and haunting and there are supernatural elements as Mary is prophetically gifted and seems 'ghostly' in her 'long white dress' that 'almost seemed to glow'. Interesting also, that Mary and her family are devoutly religious and have a strong faith that 'kept them alive' – despite their suffering. I love Mary's character and strength.  
Overall, I enjoyed reading this book and I recommend it. It was interesting from the beginning to the end and I found it informative.

Easter Rising 1916 A Family Answers The Call For Ireland`s Freedom

A Memoir Of The Easter Rising Events 1916-2016

Lissa Oliver - Goodreads Review

This was a highly enjoyable read, a complex story very simply told in a manner that puts the events into an easily-digested context. It's almost two books in one, with a fictionalised vignette of The Rising, showing how it directly impacted on individuals and bringing history to life; followed by the facts and analysis of The Rising, its causes and repercussions. The author also includes an interesting personal analysis, which puts a positive spin on the Rising and how it relates to the present day.

Roy Hunt - Goodreads Review

After reading Gabriel Woods's short book (117 pages in total) on the Easter Rising 1916, I will never feel the same again walking up Dublin's O'Connell Street (then Sackville Street), towards Parnell Square. The poignant description, told through the eyes of various fictional characters, including a doctor, Paul Barry, a hotel employee Mary O'Donoghue and a lone man, described only as John (page 44), will always stay in my mind. It is almost like being among ghosts, to walk that part of Dublin city centre, when you are made aware of the terrible events of Easter Week 1916. For example, at one point, the character, John, covers 'his eyes from the heat of the fire. His ragged shirt blowing in the wind. A sheet of flames rushed towards John, blown down Sackville Street by a strong wind from the Liffey' (Page 44). You can almost feel the flames. Those characters are fictional, but the story is based on original research, including character witnesses that the author interviewed.

He also has very strong views on the handling of the centenary event in 2016, writing 'the events of Easter 1916 were not portrayed accurately in Ireland in 2016', (P.8) and that the public broadcaster, RTE, did not focus properly on the people involved. As someone who has tried to be concise when dealing with a large topic, Woods's short work is enticing. It takes effort and skill to be brief. If you don't want to immerse yourself in some of the larger tomes that have been written on The Rising, including pages of indexes and copious footnotes and bibliographies, you could instead turn to this eye-witness account. It really is like being there.

There are two ways I think the book could be improved: one way would be to include a map. The description of the two characters, Mary O'Donoghue and Paul Barry, leaving the terrible poverty of the tenements of Merrion Square for instance, to make their way to the city centre, and Pearse's fateful walk with nurse Elizabeth Farrell to Britain Street at the 'north end of Moore Street' (p. 47) to surrender, had me reaching for my old fateful map of Dublin city centre. I genuinely felt the urge to follow this path the characters and Pearse took. A map in the book showing these streets would be a welcome addition, I believe. The McGowan family in the book are real. But the dialogue I assume is interpretative based on his research. They are Charlie McGowan, his brother Claude, his sister Josie who suffered terribly at the hands of the British army, and Claude's angry wife, Margaret. This brings me to a second point. The back cover, to my mind at least, gives the impression that the entire work is about 'two brothers and one sister' in the McGowan family. But the book starts off with entirely different characters.

The book goes on to comment on social conditions and human rights in Dublin in the present day and attempts to ask what the rebels who fought and died would think of present-day Ireland. It ends with the speech given by President Michael D. Higgins to the relatives of those who participated in The Easter Rising, on the occasion of the 2016 centenary events.

It is now one hundred and two years since The Rising. But if you want, just briefly, to be brought back in time to that week, to feel the passion of the rebels as they fought and died, to smell and feel the stench of blood, heat and fear on the streets and to remember, for a moment, the men and women who gave up so much, then you should buy this book. As President Higgins quoted Lily Connolly in his speech as she spoke to her husband, James on the eve of his execution 'But your beautiful life, James' (P. 101). That's how Gabriel Woods's book remembers them, they were beautiful and innocent people in a way maybe we today can barely fathom.

Short Stories Of Ancient Ireland

You are probably bored of the typical narratives about early Ireland and the times before the Celts, books that are often educational rather than interesting and entertaining. Lady Gregory's 1904 classic, Gods and Fighting Men, tried to establish a narrative using the various stories of the Fianna. Books of this nature capture the historical folklore aspect of Irish story telling but they do not include the essential element of ancient Irish stories which is storytelling. Irish myths were created for the ancient art of telling stories through the spoken word. Gabriel Woods has captured the skill of story-telling within the stories of this book and he truly brings alive the myths and the characters of each story within the pages. Ancient Irish stories such as written in this book are written in the spirit of storytelling. These folklore stories are written in the fashion that they would have been told in the ancient past, possibly sitting around an open fire in a forest, a castle or small-town home. The objectives of the story being to entertain and to convey lessons learned from the past. The stories in this book would also have been passed through the generations so that Irish people and sometimes other ancient people from faraway lands could remember their heritage and culture. These tales have been selected from the myths of Pre-Celtic times, the Celtic era and myths about Saint Patrick. This book has a selection of short stories which have been selected to suit all ages, Irish people and any reader from any cultures would find these stories both informative, interesting and entertaining. Short Stories Of Ancient Ireland is a delightful, enjoyable and descriptive narrative.

Lissa Oliver - Goodreads Review

Woods has a very simple and engaging style that comes to the fore here, the stories bite-size and easy to digest, sure to hold the interest of younger readers. Simple narrative, yet beautifully phrased, so of appeal to Woods' older fans, too. The stories serve as an introduction, leaving the reader to seek out further detail, their interest sure to have been sparked.

