- She puts it down.
I immediately hear...
[mimics gun cocking]
There are seven security guards
in black with machine guns.
And I go, "Wow, wow,
who's the asshole now?
Who's the asshole now?"
 [dark electronic music]
- Welcome to
"This Is Not Happening."
I'm your host, Roy Wood Jr.
We all have that special woman
in our life,
the one we like to put up
on a pedestal.
- Finger sandwiches, boys?
- Aw, thank you, Mom.
- Go on, little Roy,
make it rain.
- Aww, skeet, skeet.
- There you go.
 ♪ ♪
Now, make sure you separate
the ones from the fives.
- I know, Ma, I know.
- Such a gentleman.
- Now I got to pick up
the money.
Separate the bills.
She the one that told me
to make it rain.
 - That's my boy.
 [cheers and applause]
- This lady I'm bringing
to the stage,
it is an honor and a pleasure
to share a microphone with her.
You know her
from her comedy special
"Bothering Jesus."
Kathleen Madigan!
[cheers and applause]
- My mom was turning 65,
and the way my parents
have drank and smoked,
you know, 65, I thought, "This
could be the last big one."
So I said--
I mean, there had been
no indications,
but I don't know,
70 would be a long shot,
and I said,
"Well, you're turning 65.
Is there anything
you really want?"
And she said, "Yeah,
I've never left the country,
and I want to go
to Paris and Rome."
I said, "Well, you and Dad
should do that."
She goes, "No, no,
your father won't go
'cause he's still really mad
about the war."
[laughter]
I go, "But he wasn't even
in a war."
And she goes,
"No, it was their behavior.
"He's never gonna get over it.
"The Italians went bad,
"and the French wouldn't do
their part,
and he's not gonna go."
I said, "Are you serious?
Like, he will not?"
She goes, "No, he won't go."
I said, "All right, well,
I'll go.
I'll--I'll go with you."
And I have six siblings.
I go,
"Ask whoever you want,
"and then we'll--
let's get four.
That's fine for this trip."
So she said, "All right."
She asked my younger sister,
who's ten years younger
than me and
diabolically opposite--
blonde hair, blue-eyed,
the happiest human.
Just a yellow lab
running at you.
Just says, "Hi, hi, hi!
"Hi, it's Tuesday.
"Oh, my God,
I'm so lucky on Tuesdays.
I love Tuesdays."
Like, there's--
we have nothing in common
except we're sisters,
and then she invited
my sister-in-law,
who is a perfect planner.
I go, "Great."
So Amy--
my sister is named Kate.
Yes, we have the same name.
That's a different joke
I won't go into, but...
Amy the sister-in-law,
that's the one I'm counting on.
Great, 'cause my mom
has a bad knee,
so she may be walking slowly.
One of her teeth
is kind of falling out.
We don't know
if it's gonna make it.
This could be a shitshow,
but if I have help,
it's gonna be fine.
Well, my mom called before
we left, and she said,
"Oh, your sister-in-law
canceled,
so I invited Daisy."
I go, "Daisy the--
your--your neighbor?"
She goes, "Yeah, Daisy."
I go, "How old is Daisy?"
She goes, "Well, she's 79,
but she does yoga."
And I go, "So, great.
"If we need something
from the backseat,
"she can reach it.
That'll be fucking great, Mom."
Well, Daisy's really excited
because she's never left Kansas
or Missouri
so this is gonna be a really
fun thing for Daisy.
And I said, "All right."
You know, it's her birthday.
Fine.
I don't really know Daisy,
but she seems lovely.
So I have a 79-year-old
and a 65-year-old
and I have not my sister-in-law
that I wanted.
I have my sister,
who's not really present a lot.
So we go to Paris,
said she wanted to go
to Paris and Rome.
We get to Paris.
We're gonna go down
the Champs-Elysées,
the most big shopping street.
Everybody's all gung-ho.
I don't really give a shit,
but I'll go along with this.
My sister says,
she walks ahead of us,
and comes back, and there's
two giant Asian people.
They're huge--they're like--
like, they're like, 7 feet,
5,000 tall.
I've never seen Asian people
this tall,
and they're beautiful.
They look like models.
And my sister
comes running back.
She goes, "That man just asked
to kiss me."
I go, "What?"
She goes, "I swear to God.
Walk by him
He'll go 'Kiss me.'"
I said, "This is fucking"--
I go, "Okay, I just want to see
if it will happen."
So I walk by him, and he said,
"Excuse me."
I said, "No, Kate,
he said 'Excuse me.'"
And now--now my mom and the
other--Daisy have caught up,
and these two Asian people--
my sister goes,
"I think they're Japanese."
I go, "Well, then, they're
the tallest Japanese people
"that have ever walked Earth,
"and we should get a picture
with them
"and an Instagram video.
They're not Japanese.
They're Chinese."
And they handed us
a laminated menu,
which I've--
like a Friday's menu
except it had purses on it
from the Louis Vuitton store.
[laughter]
And they were
Chinese nationals
'cause the lady's English
was terrible.
She goes...
[with Chinese accent]
"We need you to go
buy the purses
"in the Louis Vuitton.
"We cannot.
Because we are Asian,
we cannot buy the purses."
And I go,
"What? What the fuck?"
This is bullshit.
Like, this is a scam.
Like, how dumb are we?
My sister and my mom both go,
"No, Kathleen, she's right
"because at
the Lake of the Ozarks
"in Missouri
at the outlet mall,
"the Asians were buying
too much stuff
in the Ralph Lauren store,
so they've banned them."
So I go, "What?
Are you telling me an Asian
person can't walk in the"--
"Well, not just Asians,
but they started it,
and that's what started it."
And I said, "I don't think
the Lake of the Ozark
"outlet mall in Missouri rules
apply to the Champs-Elysées.
"We are in Paris.
We are--what is the matter
with you people?"
And my sister goes, "This is
"always your problem.
You're so cynical,
"and you're mean, and you--
"you didn't go to
Catholic school long enough.
"You don't have a heart.
"You're not doing
the right thing.
"These people
are being punished
because they're Asians.
We should do it."
[laughter]
I said, "How are we
going to buy the purses?"
The lady goes, "Oh, I have
the money."
And she opens a bag,
and there's $10,000
in the bag, cash.
I go, "Okay, guys, this
ain't enough to show you
"that there's something
very wrong?
I'm just saying."
I said, "I also don't think,
just for the record,
that we look like we belong
in the Louis Vuitton store."
And my--my sister goes,
"Why? Why don't we look
like we belong in the Louis"--
I go, "Well, we could start
with the fact
"that Daisy's sweatshirt says
'I love dachshunds.'
I don't--
I don't think that..."
[laughter]
I said, "Have you guys
ever been in one?
"It's gonna be a purse museum.
"There's gonna be five purses
under glass,
"and we don't look appropriate.
"That's an aside.
This is a scam."
"No, no, you're an asshole.
You're mean."
I said, "Fine."
I go, "Okay, Chinese people,
what are we supposed to do?"
Because clearly
I've been outvoted,
and we're gonna do it.
We're gonna do--
we're gonna do
whatever the fuck is--
and the lady goes...
[in Chinese accent]
"Oh, we gonna give you $10,000.
You buy"--and she points
to four purses.
One--the one that caused
the most trouble
was called the Papillon.
I wanted to put a picture of it
up tonight,
but Cheetahs doesn't have good
AV equipment.
But you can Google it.
Just Google
"Louis Vuitton Papillon purse."
It's a cylinder-type
little bag.
And I said, "Okay."
So we walked in
the Louis Vuitton store.
Clearly none of us look like
we belong there.
There's about eight purses
under glass
like they're museum pieces,
and my mom,
when she can't speak
the language of wherever
she is, chooses to speak
English with flair
of the accent of those people.
[laughter]
So she walked up
to the counter.
'Cause I said, "Who's gonna--
who's gonna commit the crime?
"I'm just curious.
Who--who's gonna--
"who's gonna let this go down?
"Because I'm not touching
the money,
"and I'm not touching
this Chinese lady's purse.
I'm not doing shit."
My mom goes, "Well, I want
to buy the purse."
I go, "What if the money
is counterfeit?
Has anybody thought
about that?"
And my sister goes,
"Well, who cares?
"I just want to go
in a Louis Vuitton store
"and spend $10,000, Kathleen.
That's the fun of it.
Don't you see the fun of it?"
And I go, "No, I don't.
I don't. I don't.
"I don't see any fun.
"This is our afternoon,
"and we're bargaining
with people about purses
on a laminated menu?"
No. No.
But I'm an asshole.
I know,
that's been established.
But asshole--
I'm gonna go along with it.
So my mom walks up
to the counter
and points at the first one
that the lady told us to buy,
'cause they're all $2,500
according to the lady,
so we have $10,000.
We can afford four purses.
My mom points at the glass
and looks at this super
beautiful French woman.
She goes...
[with French accent]
"I would like to buy..."
[laughter]
I'm like, "Oh, my God,
you did not just
say that like that."
And she goes,
"Shut up, Kathleen.
"Shut up, you're cynical.
[with French accent]
"I would like to buy
one Papillon."
[laughter]
So the French lady--
I couldn't believe--
I thought, "Do we get that one,
or is there more in back?"
Like, I don't even
know how this works.
The lady pulls
this sacred purse out
and puts it on the thing
and says,
[with French accent]
"I will need $2,500 from you."
My mom whips out the cash.
Like, it's in bunch--
just cash,
like we're the biggest rednecks
on Earth.
We just walk in with cash
in sacks
that say "I love Paris,"
like, whatever.
She puts it down.
I immediately hear...
[mimics gun cocking]
There are seven security guards
in black with machine guns.
And I go, "Wow, wow,
who's the asshole now?"
[laughter]
"Who's the asshole now?"
[applause]
I can't stop laughing.
My mom goes, "Don't you
laugh at this!
This is serious!"
I go, "Oh, I know.
"I know, I said it was serious
45 minutes ago
"on the street when I wanted
to have a beer at a café.
We've been looped into this
caper of enormous proportions."
She goes,
"I--this is not my money."
"You will follow us."
And they take us to a room.
I go, "Bullshit."
I go, "They're not even cops."
What the fuck--wait, what have
we done that's illegal?
My dad is--was a lawyer
and a judge his whole life.
All I heard my whole life
was, say,
"Are we under arrest?"
And if you're not, shut up.
And then the other thing
you say is,
"I do not recall,"
and "I need an attorney."
I said, "Now, listen.
"Listen.
"Mom, Kate--not Daisy.
"She's from Kansas.
She's excused.
"But you two have lived
a lifetime
"with a lawyer and a judge.
We are not under arrest.
This is bullshit."
"Well, do you--you are gonna
do what they say, Kathleen.
"We are gonna follow
these people.
We are in a lot of trouble."
"Okay, great."
So we go in the conference room
or wherever--
we're taken to, like,
a mini jail type thing
in the Louis Vuitton store.
They have their own jail.
And...
they're rambling on,
and my mom said,
"Tell them we're not criminals.
"You took seven years
of French.
Speak to them."
I go, "I did take seven years
of French,
"and here's all I can say:
"'Do you have a beer
in your library?'
That's all I can say."
And I can only speak
in the past tense
'cause I didn't understand
the present
or the futuristic tense.
So whatever I say
had to have already happened
or it's not gonna make
any sense.
[laughter]
These fake cops,
security people--
it's Louis Vuitton security.
This is why I'm so offended.
Like, why--why am I--
why are we getting busted?
You clearly know what we did,
and you're, you know,
pissed off at us.
Well, you know,
go out on the street
and get your Chinese people
you're so angry with.
They said,
"That's the Chinese mafia,
and what they do is
they look for idiots."
Clearly us four
that look semi-nice,
so Midwest-y,
American, dumb.
We fit the mold.
"Then they have
the purses that they chose,
"or the spring premiere
debut bags.
"They take 'em back to China.
"They mass produce them for
the super rich Chinese people,
and then they mass produce
for everyone else."
So Louis Vuitton is
very angry about this.
And they said, "We're gonna
need you ladies to take
"that money back to
the Chinese people
"on the street so we can
identify them, and then
we will follow them
and we will arrest them."
I go, "I bet you do need us
to do that,
"but what we do we get?
"Like, a purse or...?
Like, I don't get--
"why am I part of your sting?
This is bullshit.
"I could walk out of here
with this money
"and give it back
"and have nothing to do
with you people.
"Like, I don't understand why
"you're gonna have
a 79-year-old from Kansas,
"a 65-year-old with no knee,
and we're part
of your goddamn sting."
I said, "We're also returning
without the purses,
"so what if the Chinese people
get pissed
"and say,
you didn't do the agreement
"that I never agreed to
but these three wackadoodles
are all in on?"
And they said, "No, you will
not be in any danger."
I said, "Well, I don't know
that I trust that."
But then my mom goes, "No,
we're gonna do what they say.
I'm petrified, and we're gonna
do what they say."
Fine, so we walk back out
on the street,
and there's
our Chinese friends.
And we walk down, and we hand
them the money.
Now, I'm expecting police,
or something's going to happen.
And my mom--
my mom decides to lecture 'em.
"What you did was wrong.
You wrong, wrong."
And then she throws her Asian
accent in, which is appalling.
[with Asian accent]
"You lied to us.
You lied to us.
Bad, bad, bad."
[laughter]
I said, "Stop, stop speaking.
Stop talking.
This has been
a horrible enough day."
So we walked away,
and then my mom goes,
"They were very angry
at what I said,
"and we didn't get
their purses,
and now I'm afraid the whole
mafia knows about us."
But she--I could tell,
she can get really,
weirdly upset,
and she said, "I don't
feel safe here anymore."
I said, "Safe meaning, like,
the Champs-Elysées, or Paris?"
"France. I don't feel safe here
anymore, Kathleen.
"I'm not leaving the hotel room
"unless your father
comes over here,
"which we know he won't,
or we need to leave."
And I go, "You're serious.
Like, we're gonna"--
"Yeah, let's go to Italy
right now--
change the plans."
I said fine, 'cause I'm not
gonna put up with this.
It's too much.
It's crazy.
So we go to Rome.
She wants to go to the Vatican.
There's a big square
somewhere in Rome.
It's getting dark,
and there's a man selling
all the knock-off purses
of the Louis Vuitton bags,
and she goes, "You know, after
everything we've been through,
I think, for my birthday,
I want that bag."
[laughter]
I said, "Then you go get it.
You go ask him how much."
She walks over.
She walks back.
She goes,
"No, he wanted $60.
"I'm not paying $60.
I'm not paying $60--
I'll pay $25."
I said,
"Well, you should've
said that."
She goes, "I don't like
to negotiate."
So I said, "I'll do it."
And then I realized
I was running--
I couldn't find him.
He had gone away.
And I'm looking for this man,
and I'm waving money,
running down an alley,
thinking, at the moment,
how dumb am I?
I'm literally screaming,
I have money,
I have money, and I'm alone
in an alley in Italy.
Like...
But I found him.
And I said, "Look, I can--
I will only give you $25."
He goes, "$40."
I said, "Fine, sold."
She'll never know.
And I took it--
I took it back, and I go
"Happy fucking birthday, Mom.
"This is the hardest
I've worked
"for any present ever,
and for the record,
it's not even real."
So...
[laughter]
That's the story.
Thank you guys for hanging out.
[cheers and applause]
 - Kathleen Madigan!
