 
My Afterlife

By: Mike Moss

Table of Contents for My Afterlife

  1. The Judgment

  2. Hell

  3. Heaven

  4. Life

* Epilogue

My dreams are my life. If I wake up, I will be somewhere I don't want to be.

My life is a dream. If I wake up, I would be lost.

My death must be a dream. If I wake up, I cannot die.

My dreams are my death.

Please. Don't wake me up...

The Judgment

"Welcome. Before I start, let me inform you that you are dead. Your experience of life has ceased. You do not remember your death entirely because that was the first event in your life you did not experience. On earth, you are only a ghostlike essence that sparks the memories of those who know you, but do not worry, for you are about to embark on a new experience. The intimacy, dedication, and allegiance of your life will now be judged. Rarely do we envision our own death. Rarely do we think about our far distant future. Soon, everything will come into focus. You may feel like you are unsure, or that this is even contradictory; but I promise you, there is no need to worry because I am here to familiarize you with your situation. Like in life you are free to do what you desire. However, it will be your freedom and choice that will determine your judgment. I want you to open your eyes wide. I want you to reflect on your life and think about how it will affect you for eternity. Please remember, this means throughout time and after. This may be difficult to handle, but it is important that you cooperate. We are going to examine your life from the past and determine your future. Shall we start?"

A light switched on as the shadowed figure in front of me came into focus. The man had brown hair that was parted in the middle. His attire was clean with a suit that looked professional, and a black tie without any creases.

I realized I was enclosed in a small room. A table was between me and the man who was talking, and an opened folder was placed on top of the desk next to the lamp. The folder was thick and full of overflowing paperwork. The room was empty except for the two chairs that we sat on and the table in the middle with the lamp. The blank white walls connected into every empty corner of the room, and the only escape was a door at the front.

"James?" the voice continued, "My name is Rick. I am here to determine your future. I was assigned to you and I have reviewed your life briefly." Discontent troubled his introduction. "Twenty-one years of age and already dead... And ending it yourself."

"How do you know my name?" I was still putting everything into focus.

"I told you, I have all your information about your life," he tapped the opened folder on the desk, "Everything leading up to your death is here. Think of me as someone who determines your future. I will also help guide you if needed. And by the looks of it, you need guidance."

I remembered all my pathetic attempts at suicide until I was finally successful. I remembered the pain and panic that flushed through my body. After that, everything else turned to darkness that surpassed everything I once felt. I could no longer hear myself breathe, and even as I was surrounded in darkness, I did not feel alone or afraid. I was wrapped in a cocoon and safe from everything around me. I couldn't see my body but it seemed like I could move every part, yet I couldn't. Every vein and every drop of blood was flowing through something I could feel, but yet, just not touch or see. Now it was like I had been reborn into this room. I didn't remember how I had arrived at this point, though I wished that I could have died with some dignity. Perhaps I could have been remembered for something noble, but I knew that was something that would never happen. On second thought, it was better this way. I tried to picture my mangled body no longer having any life in it. What a sad sight.

I now had Rick to remind me of my entire wasted life. "So I'm dead? And how are you going to help me?"

"That is correct. You are dead and I am here to determine where you will go, and most importantly with whom. Understand?" Rick's eyes were deadlocked on me.

The part in his hair was annoying me. I had never seen something so perfect like that before. Without understanding I said 'yes' anyways. I have never understood the contrivance of life, so why begin here?

"Good, I'm going to start by asking you a few questions," Rick said.

This wasn't how I pictured my demise. I never imagined I would be cooped up in a small room with Rick about to ask me questions. I thought I wouldn't ever have to look down at my hands and feel anything again. I hated to be alive. Looks like I was wrong about everything. "Whatever," I said impatiently pretending not to care. What could he possibly need to ask?

Rick organized his papers on the top of his folder on the desk. "My main goal is to place you with your doctrine. What you believe will determine where you will spend your afterlife. Do you understand?"

I didn't understand, however my attention was now focused on Rick. "Wait, you mean I have to spend an afterlife? Doing what?"

"We like to confirm with each soul their desired afterlife. Also, it is important to determine who will be judging them. What do you believe in young man? "

"Are you asking me if I believe in God?" My voice sounded timid.

"Yes I am. Your life has shown that you unmistakably have no belief. If you do not believe, you will still be given a chance to experience a proper afterlife. However, that is with time. Souls throughout time have found their way to heaven but have suffered tremendously for it. It's all part of the process. First, let me go through my procedure of questions. It is also required that you speak with a deity before any decision is made."

Suffered tremendously? Deity? I didn't like what was happening. "Do I get to see this deity? I've never seen this thing you're talking about, and obviously it hasn't helped me."

Rick sighed, "He is omnipresent to all and cares for you extremely. He will be revealed to you when you gain faith in Him. I ask that you have faith in Him. Whatever you may find, just remember that He will be revealed through Himself, and secondly through religion." Rick sighed again looking disappointed with my demeanor.

"I just don't trust anyone who I haven't met. I'm not the type of person to trust people. I don't really like most people. Hell I don't even like myself," I replied with honesty.

"Easy with the language young man," Rick paused, "My point is that you need to have faith in god _and_ in yourself."

I hated when people started telling me how to live my life when they didn't know anything about it—not that I ever lived a popular or interesting life—I just wanted to be left alone and perish my own way.

Rick began writing and filled in the lines with what looked like questions above them. He turned to the next page and cleared his throat. "So young man, suicide is not a way to cherish life."

I didn't respond.

"Ok, James, first question and a very important one. Do you consider yourself a good person?"

Why was he asking me this question? He already knew I had no faith and that I was going to fail the rest of his questions. "Not really," I was just being honest, "Do you think I am?"

"I feel you have the potential to be. I am not lying." Rick marked something on his paper.

"I'm glad you think that, but I still don't know why you have to ask me this..." I replied back sarcastically.

He ignored me,"Next question. "Do you like helping others?"

"I take care of myself, but I don't really _rise to the occasion_ if that's what you're asking." I could tell he was getting agitated with my answers. He skipped a couple papers and continued.

"When you were in sixth grade, you removed a chair from underneath a girl about to sit down. She knocked her head on the wall and had to get stitches." He finished with a blank stare.

I chuckled, remembering she kept shoving glue in my face that morning.

"Because of your action, she had to miss a week of school. Her self esteem was lowered drastically. What do you think of that? Do you feel sorry?"

I looked at him confused. Did I really have to sit through all this? I didn't want to see Rick's face in front of me. "I did... I mean, I don't regret doing it. She would have annoyed me for the rest of the day. And trust me, I already heard all of this from my teacher, principle, counselor, and her parents that it was the wrong thing to do."

"But can you repent on it? Would you tell her that you're sorry?" He moved in his chair and fixed his position.

"Maybe if that bitch apologized first," I mumbled.

Rick rose quickly and slammed his fists on the table, "Enough! You will not use that language here!" He sat back down and started marking his documents. "The first time you consciously thought of god, what did you think?"

"Hmm..." I thought about the times I was forced to go to church when I was a kid. I just remembered being bored. "I remember him being mysterious but nonexistent. So I didn't give it much thought."

Rick marked a few lines, "Do you think about praying?"

"Not really."

"I see... Do you feel a connection to god, or use any religion as a means to see him?"

"Nope," I started looking at the ceiling.

"James... Stay with me here," Rick said, "All souls see god differently, but some souls don't see at all." He maintained eye contact with me.

"Look, I already told you; I don't want to see god and I don't want to see you," I felt uncomfortable after my outburst. It became silent as he shuffled through his papers.

"So on many occasions in your life you can verify that you have talked down to god in a diminutive manner? You have even questioned others with their faith by telling them that god does not exist. Let me leave out the exploits, but you've said..." Rick cleared his throat, "God does not exist, God is not great, shut up about god, god can go suck my— What do you think of this?"

I was fed up, "I don't know. I know I said some cooler things than that, but you'd probably yell at me."

"Ok James. With no need to repent on anything, you make this an easy choice for me," Rick concluded.

"A choice?" I knew what he was referring to, but this all seemed like a fairytale. I couldn't imagine that someone was here to judge my own life, judge how I lived, and classify everything into good or bad.

"This is not a joke. Afterlife is taken very seriously. I also want you to know that you can still achieve a status like me. Although it will take time, you will learn by repentance and gaining knowledge of God. Your attitude coincides with your actions."

"So what's next?" I tried to avoid another stupid speech of his. "And why do I feel weird, like I have no feeling in my body?"

"It takes some time to get used to it. Your soul is between life and afterlife. It will soon be at peace in heaven, or transported to another body in hell. If you are transported to hell you will take form of a human body, resembling you of course." Rick stopped and shuffled through more paper.

"So... When do I do that? I mean, not to sound too hasty, but I don't like this. I want to feel peace. Where am I going?"

"I can't tell you now. My decision is confidential until I am through with you. However, you are required to speak to a religious sector."

"So I get to speak with God?"

"You can speak with god whenever you like. He is always there for you."

I knew there was no way to emphasize my desire to actually see God. "Ok ok, what else is there?" I decided to give up and try to get it over with. I braced myself for interrogation.

The questions Rick asked me were ridiculous and irrelevant; other questions made me feel like a terrible person. He brought up every bit of my past while I looked down at the table in shame. With little sympathy in his eyes, Rick asked me every disloyal thing I had done; whether it was with my parents, friends, or random strangers that I couldn't remember, his convictions made me feel like I was left out in the cold.

Being stuck in a room left me helpless and incapable to design an escape plan, and from the look of it, Rick had no intention of letting me go. Normally I enjoyed a silent room of solitude when I was alive but now I didn't have the freedom to leave. When I had the freedom, I would move around, go for a walk, or go out to eat. Now I was stuck with Rick, immobilized in a small cubicle.

I looked back at twenty-one fearful years of my life and decided it was full of discouragement and oppression. I didn't think Rick understood what my life was like. Everyone had their own story and Rick didn't understand mine. I could tell the responses from him were subtle and had disappointment hidden within, though he persisted with interest in me.

Rick ended with my family history and their beliefs. From this, I discovered that my family had ties in Catholicism, Christianity, Mormonism, and many other cults. I couldn't believe how many people were related to me and how much religious roots I had in my family history. I felt like the failed child.

"Alright James, I just need you to fill this packet out." Rick handed me a pencil and pushed it in front of me. He pointed at the top and began explaining, "This packet is eight-hundred questions. It may seem long but you will find that it is not. Mark whichever answer first comes to you."

I looked at him bewildered, "So when is this going to end? I don't work well in confined spaces."

"Soon enough. We need to have all this documented and saved for future use," he replied, "Now James, I want you to pay special attention to this test. It's ok to take a quick break, but you must complete it in a reasonable time. You have good reading skills, so I expect you to have no problem with it."

The top of the test was filled out with my name, time deceased, and cause of death was suicide. It was blank under the religion portion. I felt bold enough to ask why it was blank, "So this says that I believe in god but don't have a religion?"

"Belief and religion coincide; however, belief is more important and constructs religion. Although belief started religion, our community cannot do without religion. With it, we gain faith; and faith is impenetrable. Then, you learn to love your god who in return will reward you in your afterlife. I advise that you listen to God and accept him in your life or else you will be lost. Do you understand?"

"Sort of. I still want to see him if you think this is so important." I didn't mean to sound sarcastic anymore. I just wanted someone who wasn't a complete dipshit and could give me a straight answer.

He ignored me again and placed his hand over the packet, "This will help guide you to a faith. You are free to choose for yourself, but this test is a helpful tool to assist you if you are lost. Let us start."

Knowing the test was going to take a while, I looked down at the first question. The pencil in my hand shook over the multiple choice questions, doubtful to mark a suitable answer. Rick was eyeing me to make a decision. Finally, I marked an answer and continued on.

The questions had to do with my personnel beliefs, viewpoints on people, and scenario based questions. It was difficult to pay attention to them all, and after the first fifty questions, I began checking random boxes. Rick's eyes would follow me, almost insisting that I pick up the pace. I would gaze over the question and then mark whatever I thought of first, making it look like I was reading. I glanced up at him and sneered at his perfect part in his hair. How did this asshole get here? Why was he doing what he was doing? Most importantly, what gave him the right to do this to me?

I stopped at five hundred, "Look, this is ridiculous. I can't do this anymore."

He looked at his watch impatiently. "You have a five minute break." Rick grabbed his paperwork and lifted himself up from his chair. As he approached the door, he turned to remind me. "I'll be back in five minutes."

The door shut behind him.

"I know," I growled. I looked around the room and surveyed my options for escape. Behind me was a solid wall leading around to all sides, and then to the front door where Rick had exited. The ceiling was not out of reach, but I knew I couldn't touch it. Perhaps if I quickly ran up the wall and hoisted myself up, I could possibly grab the ceiling; but still, there were no openings. I navigated around the table and peeked through the cracks in the door.

Without looking down, I tried to grab a handle but there was nothing on the door. "What the hell!"

Not knowing what else to do, I frantically banged on the door. The sound of my hands hitting the door was muffled, like hitting concrete on a sidewalk. I dropped my shoulder into the door, taking a step back with each charge. Normally this would hurt, but I kept slamming into the door without inflicting any pain. I stepped back to the desk and prepared to crash into the door, but before I started running, it swung open.

Rick's presence startled me and stopped me in my tracks. "Ok young man. We know you want to get out," Rick said calmly, "But there is no way, so let's get back to the test."

I looked at him like he was crazy but I'm sure he felt the same about me. He guided me to the other side of the table and sat me down, "You don't want to work yourself up. Not yet anyways."

There was something about his last comment that sent a chill down my back. I still tried to ignore him but needed answers quickly. Without thinking, I grabbed my pencil with the pointy side out in a fist and aimed the sharp end towards my neck. "I swear ill stab myself in the neck right now!" I threatened.

It seemed most people would try to stop somebody threatening him or herself; but Rick didn't try to stop me. Instead, he calmly stood while crossing his arms like I was an ineffective fly buzzing around his face. As the pencil was held tightly in my fist, I instantly realized that I wasn't going to do it. It surprised me that he didn't react or say anything to my suicidal threat.

Finally he spoke, "Where do you think you'll go? And besides that you cannot die. You are already dead," he paused, "James. You are dead."

I gave one last thought of stabbing my neck and then set the pencil down. That would hurt... I suppose. I remained silent and started tapping the pencil on the table as Rick continued to analyze every movement that I made. Now everything felt awkward.

Rick cleared his throat, "Let's get back to the test."

I obeyed and started reading the questions from where I left off. I occasionally glanced at him as I completed parts of the test. I did the same thing as the previous time; around fifty or so questions, I started filling in random boxes. My attention could only go so far, and I wanted to get it over with.

Right as I marked the last question, the chair creaked in front of me. Rick leaned forward and grabbed the packet. He inspected each paper and then set it over his binder of questions that he had asked me from earlier. Lastly, he took my dull pencil from my hand. I was now weaponless to self destruct. I had my chance but I had pussied out. The same thing always happened when I was alive. I had to rebuild my confidence up all over again, but I was mentally exhausted from my previous disaster of self mutilation, so it felt pointless.

"Like I said before James, you cannot die. I am going to run the test through our machines and will be right back," Rick said as he sized me up, "Just stay in your seat."

Rick got up and walked proudly to the door with perfect physique. I watched to see how he opened the door but it swung open without any effort on his behalf. He walked out of sight as the door slammed behind him.

I immediately got up and placed my hand on the side wall testing its durability; it felt compact and sturdy. Discouraged, I walked back over to the door and shook it a little. I wanted to vanish out of existence but I was trapped. I put my hands on my hips and looked around disgruntled, and then retreated back to my seat, uncertain of my escape plan.

I stood up and started pacing around the table over and over again. I sat down and then immediately rose to my feet again. The white light reflected off the walls and onto my gangly arms; they looked unusually bright and shiny as I examined my brand new skin in front of me. I rubbed my arms up and down nervously but it didn't feel the same from when I was alive. Not only was the texture different but the touch didn't feel like my arm belonged to me.

The oval shaped lamp was embedded onto the table. I tried to find a switch to see if it could be turned off but had no such luck. My attention focused on the mysterious door; I wanted to chuck the lamp at it to show my discontent, but it wouldn't budge from the table.

I was still wearing my white t-shirt with a squiggly design and my jean shorts. Both were donated to me by some rich family that probably decided one season was too long to hold on to their out-of-date clothes. Spoiled kids got what they wanted and I got what they didn't want. I always knew what kind of person someone was by what they donated to me. The rich families gave up their stuff to buy new stuff and the middle class wore out their stuff to buy new stuff. Both didn't know about me, but at least they were kind enough to give me their unneeded shit.

I looked down at my old black shoes that had lasted me so long since I was in high school. I felt like they had the capability to last my entire life. My trusty watch was wrapped around my wrist but I didn't feel its constricting presence. In fact, I didn't feel the fabric against my skin or my shoes.

The door opened again.

Rick rubbed the back of his head with a confused disposition as he walked in. He quickly shut the door and approached the table. He pointed down at my chair, "Sit please."

I remained standing and disobeyed his request for me to sit down, though he didn't seem to notice.

"It says here that you have grandparents, Dorothy and Bob? Is that correct?"

I remembered them vaguely from when I was a kid. They used to read me stories and play games with me in the backyard. I would run through the grass carelessly as they threw a ball in my direction. They watched me retrieve it like a happy little dog and chuckled at my childish behaviors.

Months later, my grandpa died, and then the following month, so did my grandma. I never got to know what they were really like, but they seemed to pay attention to me. It was a shame that my grandma had died so quickly after her husband died. When he died, she died.

"Yes I remember them," I replied, finally sitting down on my own accord.

"Good." For once Rick smiled at me like I wasn't an idiot. "It says here your grandparents put in a request for you as a Christian. Now this does not guarantee your entrance into heaven, but it assists you to join your grandparents sooner, with stipulations. Do you accept their request?"

"What does that mean?" I felt intrigued because I would like to see what my grandparents were like.

Rick shuffled through his papers, "Well, you will get interviewed by someone with the Christian denomination. It does not state a certain sect, but nonetheless it is Christian. Christianity is a booming religion. Every day there is some new belief that stems off from it. It's popular and is always changing."

Rick was filled with too much excitement when he talked about his God. For all I know, he could get an arousal from the very thought of Him. I didn't feel motivated to make any more smart-ass comments.

"Oh," I said, still not understanding his point.

"Follow what your grandparents have set aside for you and accept god through their church and you can achieve salvation. You can even think of it as a Baptist church for now. Like I said before, when you have belief in God, you have a sure thing," Rick winked at me.

I didn't think we were on the same page. "Yeah sure," I said softly.

I couldn't believe my grandparents thought of me and asked for me to join them, though I was not sure of the stipulations that came along with it. Everything was already too far over my head with bullshit.

Rick quickly gathered his papers that he had bundled in his hands. "I just had to confirm that from you. Thank you. I will be right back."

The door opened and closed as Rick exited the room again. It was aggravating that I couldn't open the door, but he could. There was something magical to the door that I didn't understand.

It was quiet again, so I decided to collect my thoughts of what was happening to me. I was dead; a man named Rick was assessing my life; and I was stuck in a room with the only assurance that I couldn't die again. Despite my shitty situation of being stuck in a small room, I felt calmer than earlier. I tried to think of any dead friends or family but never knew anyone close to me who had died. When I heard of someone dying, I never cared much. I still didn't care much that I had died. However, I did care that I was being held captive and forced to complete an eight-hundred question test. Was this what death was like?

Perhaps it wouldn't be so bad. I attempted to think of the times when I was alive and far worse off than I was now. A whirl of sorrowful thoughts from the past replaced my already conflicted state.

I remembered working for a phone company when I was sixteen years old helping people with their billing accounts. I was naïve to think I could function with delegated chores. I didn't want to listen to anyone and thought a steady paycheck would solve all of my problems in life. I had the typical nine to five job; the only problem was my job lasted only two weeks.

I answered the phone to help complaining customers with their accounts and their bills they forgot to pay. Half of the people were nice, and the other half wanted to find some reason to blame me. After a week, I started hanging up on people who were mad at me or tried to refute my job out of anger. I didn't have had to deal with their irate behavior.

I remembered one customer yelling at me at the moment I picked up the phone, "Hey! Why does it say I didn't pay my bill when I clearly did!? You want to help me out you fucking genius!?"

Click... No more problems.

He called back, "What the fuck do you think you are doing hanging..."

Click. I didn't have to deal with his shit.

Over that last week I helped fifty percent of the population, while the other half I left to the sound of a disconnected phone. They dealt with constant aggravation of redialing the same number if they were rude to me. Most would dial me again and I would hang up again. Fuck 'em and fuck corporate work.

I felt like I was king of the telephone world until my boss started listening in on my conversations and then fired me. I had no motivation to help anyone and didn't like working for people who were higher in command. Most of my bosses suffered from selfish prestige or self entitlement. After interaction with them, it seemed I tried to get fired on purpose. Their authoritative role only lasted until they stepped out of the building. Besides, I wasn't cut-out for that sort of thing. Attempting to fit into society was difficult and was almost like a religion itself, though I never told anyone about my failed endeavors. Frequent reverie consumed my brain when I sat for too long in a cubicle. Lesson learned. There was no desire to find anything else.

The door opened again and Rick walked in looking smug as ever. "Ok, I have reviewed everything and I have made a decision." He sat down with his feet to the side of the table instead of under.

I remained in my seat facing him, disappointed that he had returned. What took him so long to make a decision? I had clearly displayed my thoughts of his world.

"What decision are you making?" I asked.

"Your scores were low, and on top of that, your willingness to accept god is very low," Rick paused, "So..."

I didn't understand why this was such a process. I waited for him to start speaking again.

"My decision is that you will be going to hell," he said bluntly, "Don't be alarmed because there are many ways to still find god in hell. You will repent and learn what is right. As for your request through your grandparents, you will still see someone from a Christian denomination, and he or she will either confirm my decision, or cure you. However, the curing process is long and arbitrary." Rick stopped for a moment. "Unless, if you choose another religion? It's your choice. There are numerous religions out there that can lead you to salvation but it takes a lot of work and dedication."

"I wouldn't know what other religion to choose," I replied wanting the interrogation process to end. I still couldn't believe what he was saying. Why was all this a big deal?

"Settled then James," Rick replied quickly, happy that he was about to leave, "Wait here and you will be in contact with them soon."

Rick stood up. I mimicked him not knowing what else I was supposed to do.

"You can stay seated. You will be staying here," he assured me.

"Um... ok," I said confused, "Can I ask you a question?"

"Sure, go right ahead," Rick replied. He suddenly acted like he had to leave.

"Where is hell?" I honestly wanted to know if this was true or not.

"It is in the earth of course. But everything is connected. Hell, earth, and heaven are all separate entities and serve their purposes. Don't you do any reading?"

"I do, but I just always have seen this stuff as a fairy tale."

"It's real James. Open your eyes. Everything on earth is taught and preached to you for a reason. Everyone's purpose on earth links them to eternity. We are special James, and so are you," Rick said.

I didn't want him to speak anymore. I was now anxiously waiting for his departure. "That makes me feel better," I replied sarcastically.

He stayed for a moment. I could tell he was thinking of what to say to my remark. "You will find your way."

I stepped forward and extended out my hand for him to shake it. "Well, see you later I guess." I wanted the awkward moment of silence to end. Shaking his hand seemed like the professional thing to do since he just judged my life and made a decision for me to spend my life in hell.

My plan was to commit suicide again once I had the freedom to do what I wanted. Rick said that I couldn't die but I'll show him... soon.

Rick smiled, "God bless." He walked out the door without shaking my hand.

He must have not wanted to shake my hand. I didn't either. It just seemed like the right thing to do to polish off a conversation when wanting it to end.

I sat in my empty room without hearing a sound. Why couldn't I go outside the room? It wasn't like I was going to hurt anyone. Somewhere out there in the dead world, my grandparents were asking for me. I pictured my grandparents entering and talking to me like an adult rather than how I was when I was a little attention deprived kid. Their faces were blurry and personalities vague.

I scratched the table with the fingernails I still had, but no marks were made. The table and two chairs were glued to the ground; everything was immovable.

I was still mad that Rick did not shake my hand. Even though I didn't care, it somehow agitated me. I realized that being stuck in a room with nothing but my thoughts to circle around in my head was making me crazy. I tried scratching the table harder against the painted oak, but my nails had no effect on the surface. I focused my attention on the chair I was sitting on. I stood up and started tapping the chair leg with my foot to test its durability. It seemed sturdy but nothing was certain. I kicked it, desperately wanting to see something normal happen. My foot pulled back and then kicked the chair with more force, but nothing budged. It was like Rick could conveniently do what he wanted while I was restricted from everything.

Momentarily after kicking the chair, it occurred to me that I had felt no pain. There also wasn't a distressing impact or vibration on the chair from my foot. I took a couple steps back and heaved my leg towards the chair again. Upon impact, it stopped my foot with no surge of pain. The peculiar feeling of no consequence after I had kicked it was numbing and caused me to reevaluate my situation. Kicking something with all my strength usually ended in affliction and caused me to grab my foot quickly to nurture it. I wondered if that pertained to every part of my body... The thought made me pinch my face.

Nothing.

If there was no pain, I could do anything. I felt bold enough to hurt myself, which made me walk up to the wall and set my head against it. I started to lightly slam my forehead on the hard surface and progressively increased the intensity as my head continued to bang against the wall. The sound made a muffled thud noise every time I swung my face into the wall. I stepped back to the table to get a running head start. I buckled down like a linebacker in football and charged at the wall screaming. My head was pointing down like an arrow ready to stick into the wall.

My progress was stopped immediately as my head collided into the hard surface of the wall. Another thud muffled through the room with no pain searing though my neck or head. I should have been in a state of unconsciousness rather than unharmed, but my head pushed off the wall with no injuries. At the least, there should have been a lump on my head, but I didn't feel anything.

I remembered why Rick did not panic when I had threatened to kill myself; I wouldn't have been able to succeed. Nothing I did would create any pain or effect on my body. The unnatural feeling was alarming despite the fact that I could breathe and feel everything under my skin like I was alive.

I stuck my hand over my mouth with the idea of suffocation. My chest tightened as I held my breath but there was no uncontrollable urge to breathe. My life continued to endure whether I wanted it to or not. I sat down with my hand over my mouth hoping to feel some sort of pain, but nothing came. I started breathing again like I had been doing it all along. Although my hand remained over my mouth, I could feel myself breathing, like the air was going through my hand and in and out of my lungs.

My new idea was to try to ram the door head on like a bull. I knew that it wouldn't work, but it would help express my frustration. I paced around the table like an agitated animal, lined myself up with the door, and tightened my muscles, already bracing for impact. We were not meant to spend time in a small room; similar to being in a cage and ridiculed by the outside world.

I jolted myself to start running, but suddenly, the door swung open. Two youthful individuals walked in and stopped my rambunctious actions to ram the door. My voice released an embarrassing squeak from my previous and unnecessary behavior to charge them as they entered my newly claimed cage.

Without flinching, a short man entered, followed by a lady taller than he. They both were dressed casually but neat, reminding me that I probably looked like a mess. The man had a chubby face with blue eyes and short hair. The lady had perfect long hair that complimented her attractive face.

I took a few steps back and then finally walked back to my side of the table. Something about them seemed nonthreatening but I didn't want to take any chances. The table seemed like a barrier that could be used against them.

The lady spoke up, "That's not going to help anything."

"I want to leave," I squealed out. It was almost firm but in a pathetic whinny manner.

"You will leave soon enough," reassured the man.

"Who are you two?"

"Forgive us, I am Kyle and this is Hailey. We are messengers from heaven and we know your grandparents. We are here to help you obtain spiritual success."

They both spoke with such power but in a friendly tone.

Hailey asked curiously, "Why are you showing such reckless behavior?"

Kyle was looking at me the same way Hailey was.

"Because I don't feel anything. I mean, why not?" My response must of sounded crazy to them. "Why can't I feel anything?"

"You are no longer in bodily form James," answered Kyle.

It figured they knew my name. I'm glad I didn't introduce myself with a handshake.

Hailey added, "You are still adapting to being dead. It's ok. It happens to everyone."

"So why do I feel like I am alive and breathing, but I can't feel pain. Seems sort of weird, right?"

"Your soul is accustomed to having a body and has transitioned into a different form. Everything you had once felt still remains part of your soul," Kyle said smiling, "Like Hailey said, your soul is adapting to being dead. You are still in the process of changing and your soul does not know how to react so quickly. You may think you are breathing, but you are not. It's something that has been instinctively instilled into you for since birth. It will go away though once you learn that you are dead and accept that you don't need to be alive."

"Why can I see you and hear you then?"

"You are now seeing and hearing through your soul instead of what your body has provided you. We feel it is best to keep the form of a human being because that is what we are used to. Change is not something we like, especially when it comes to our physical appearance and looking young." Kyle laughed with Hailey.

"I love that I am young again," Hailey said, "It's such an admiration."

I ignored Hailey's comment. "What do our souls look like?"

"That is difficult to explain. Our soul is within us," responded Rick.

"Fair enough." Their lack of explanation made me think that Kyle and Hailey didn't know the answer.

Kyle clapped his hands together, "Let us get down to why we're here. As I'm sure you have been told, you have been judged. And since you lack belief, you cannot enter the kingdom of heaven until you have it." Kyle paused with a smile. "Your grandparents say hi and hope to see you soon. But we need to change your thinking if you want to enter. You have to have faith in God."

Memories jotted through my head of me running though the backyard chasing a ball while my grandparents watched me overhead. "Why can't I see my grandparents in heaven and not believe?"

"That defeats the whole purpose why you would be in heaven," said Hailey.

Kyle added, "Hailey said a very important word just then. Purpose. We have a purpose when we live on earth and then in heaven." Kyle took out a notepad. "You will be required to spend some time in hell if you feel you don't have a purpose. But know that it will not be the end. We will be helping you achieve your status to make it to heaven. In time, you will find your family and reunite with them so you can spend eternity with them."

I laughed, "Well this all seems complicated. I don't even like most of my family anyway. I barely even knew my grandparents. What makes you think that I'll get along with them?"

"We believe you will find your way," convinced Hailey.

Kyle and Hailey were beginning to get on my nerves. At first they were insightful, but now I relegated them back with Rick to being judgmental and annoying. Everything was about god and they didn't answer my questions once He was involved.

"Can I please speak to this God if you are telling me to follow Him?" I asked.

"You must first accept Him into your life. You must have faith with Him and pray to Him and He will reveal himself in front of you," replied Hailey.

"And how do I do that? I mean... When I pray, who am I suppose to pray to?"

"The answer is God. It's as simple as that," replied Kyle, "We will help you if you want." Kyle locked hands with Hailey and they both extended their arms for me to grab. I didn't move as they waited for me to grab their hands.

"Take our hands James," Kyle said politely.

Hailey remained quiet but had a commanding look on her face. She nodded her head for me to join their prayer.

"I don't know." I took two steps back. I didn't trust them. They could also be lying about my grandparents. I decided that it didn't seem right.

"Let us pray," Kyle said. He waited impatiently and took two steps forward with Hailey.

I took two more steps backwards, not ready to participate. "You know what, I don't want to pray. That word is irritating. Can you seriously comprehend what you two are doing when you pray? Getting down on your knees and looking down in submission. It just looks... well, it looks strange."

Kyle and Hailey broke their hands away.

"To you it may look strange, but you don't see what we see. It starts with faith James," Kyle said.

I interrupted, "Look, normally if someone tells me to pray, I just follow along and go with it because I don't care. But now it just seems weird to me... No offense."

"No pressure if you're not ready yet James. There are many steps to follow and we all find our own path. These paths will lead us to the same high mountain that we strive to obtain," Hailey commented.

"What do we do when we get up to the top of the mountain?"

"That is for you to find. We can help you along the way. Have you ever read scripture?" asked Kyle.

"Maybe a couple times but I'm not really into it," I replied.

"Might I interest you in a quote here on—"

I interrupted again, "Look I'm fine. I just want to get out of this room and not have to read anything or pray to anybody. For me, it's sort of self torture and a waste of time." I tried not to speak my mind anymore in fear that I would insult them, but I figured it was too late. "Why do we have to do this?"

"It's how we achieve our destination. Our heaven," replied Hailey with ease.

"Just let me see god or leave," I said boldly.

Both looked slightly perturbed but maintained gratified faces.

"As you wish," said Kyle, "We will respect your wishes."

Hailey added, "Good luck to you James and god bless."

They both looked disappointed. Kyle slid his notepad into his pocket and handed Hailey his bible. She held it in front of her protecting it with her forearm. I felt bad because I had let both of them down.

As they walked to the door, I quickly asked, "What do I do now?"

They both looked at each other and sighed. Kyle said softly, "You repent... May god be with you." They exerted little energy to open the door. Hailey exited first, followed by Kyle. I tried to bend my body to the side to peek past the door but couldn't see anything. The door closed, giving me no time to see outside the room.

I thought of what Kyle had said to me. 'I repent?' Why was it important to repent when I didn't know what I was repenting for? I knew I wasn't the best person in the world, but I simply couldn't change and become one of them. Could I speak to god by praying and become a believer? It made me wish I had some reason to believe. I immediately dismissed any thought that there was a god. My shitty situation in this cramped room explained why God didn't give a shit about me. I pictured Him mysteriously hovering over me, judging every decision I made. Perfection was not reality and repentance was not perfection. I didn't know what to believe anymore and wondered if I was like every dead soul going through the process of judgment. Everything was odd and unexplainable. The definition of death had been redefined.

If I knew my petty life was going to be judged and examined, I would have not killed myself. If I was alive, I would have had freedom, and by living, I would have been able to delay my freedom until I was judged to hell. Ironically, suicide was not a quick end. But I would inevitably end up in the same place whether I liked it or not. Perhaps I would be a little more mature if I were older, but probably not. Everything I was taught seemed to be a distant memory. I was forcibly reborn and had to relearn everything, though part of me still thought this was all a joke. I didn't want to have all the time in the world to dwell on my mistakes. I also realized that time and world were uncertain. These dubious notions bothered me as I sat down in my chair feeling trapped in a box and unable to see the world outside of me. I dropped my hands on the table and hung my head down feeling severely oppressed.

I looked up at the ceiling. There was nothing else to do, so I stood up on the table while maintaining a great balance. I turned in circles to scan for anything unordinary. Nothing would help me escape the plain white room; everything was out of reach.

At the moment, I felt like I was being tested by Rick, Kyle, and Hailey. I wouldn't be surprised if they were watching me from the other side of the walls. My entire life was a test to them; it wasn't a normal test for school or a job, but a test that decided my future for eternity, and I couldn't understand the importance of what was going on. Tests, exams, interviews that I took when I was alive hadn't mattered, regardless if I had passed or failed. If I was to be quizzed on anything I had learned in school, I wouldn't have remembered the majority of topics. We were all conditioned to memorize and learn what was needed to pass rather than actually thinking and then applying the materials learned, but unfortunately, we rarely questioned why or what we were doing until we experienced practical application. Going to the library to read after school was something I did regularly, even after I bullshitted my way through an exam of the latest required book we were reading in English class. I rarely pursued what I learned during school but on occasion have sought out my own personal inquiries and interests. Now, the same meaningless conclusion for taking a test in life would eventually apply for my judgment.

The door swung open with two giant men standing in front of the doorway. They were over seven feet tall with white skin that covered their thick muscles. I came up to their shoulders and I was an even six feet. Their pale emotionless faces and bulky necks with veins running up and down radiated outwards to give warning that they were not to be messed with. I stepped down from the table, afraid of their retaliation from my unruly behavior.

One giant stepped in while the other waited outside the door. They both wore light blue cloaks that draped to the back of their knees. The cloaks were covering an object that bulged out from their upper backs.

"Time to go," he said with a masculine voice.

"Where am I going?"

"Follow us," the giant disregarded my question.

I complied and suspiciously walked through the doorway. The giant man in front of me led the way while the other was close behind me. They didn't say anything.

We continued down a narrow hallway that had new doors coming into sight on each side. The carpet was brown with unlikely shapes, and the colors matched the walls with individualized portraits next to each door. I couldn't see in front or behind me because of the large bodies from the giants and their cloaks that swayed back in forth. Every so often, a new door appeared to my side with a new portrait. Trying to get an improved view of where I was, I glanced at the giant behind me.

"Turn around," he commanded. There was no hair on his rough face or on his bald head. His predatory eyes caused me to quickly face forward. The giant in front of me was an indistinguishable match.

We came upon an open round room with an elevator on the opposite side. A small man sat next to the elevator doors; his feet were dangling from the chair as he swung them back and forth. Though he was a bit older, his large ears and bushy hair complimented his youthful stature.

"Hehehe... Going up or going down?" he squawked. The sound of his high pitched voice was unsettling through my ears.

The front giant replied, "Down."

The other giant stayed behind me.

"Hehehe..." laughed the main at the elevator, "There is only one way this elevator goes, but I would have guessed up."

The giants ignored him.

The small man got up and walked between us to get a better look at me. He gave me a discerning look. "If you don't like free falling, you are not going to like this elevator."

I was flustered but remained quiet. I knew the way down was hell but I was more shocked than anything that I was going there.

"A quiet one? You must not know what lies ahead," said the man continuing to analyze me.

I didn't like the way he was chuckling about my destination. The giant in front of me reached his hand down on to the small man's shoulder to quiet him. He became silent and looked away from the giants, meandering back to his chair.

The elevator doors opened.

The giant behind pushed me to start walking while the other giant in front of me led me inside. As we entered the elevator, both giants turned around to face outward. I was now facing the ugly giant that had a look of disgust on his face. I wanted to tell him the feeling was mutual, but before anything was said, he grabbed my shoulders and turned me around.

"Farewell my friend and safe journey!" shouted the small man before the elevator door closed on us.

Once the doors inched together, it was silent.

"What are we doing in here?" I asked.

No response. The giant's feet were shoulder width apart while facing forward.

A light on the elevator started blinking; it blinked faster and faster until it was lit up. As the elevator began to drop slowly, I studied the giant in front of me, curious to see if he felt the same thing I did. The elevator continued to pick up speed. I attempted to look behind me without turning around to see if there was any change of emotion from the other giant, but he was unaffected.

The elevator dropped into a free fall, like the cables had just snapped off. It caused my stomach to churn and swirl as we fell with increasing speed. I grabbed onto the side but was immediately moved back by the giant behind me.

"Ahhh!!! Stop it!" I screamed feeling disoriented. It was like a bad dream that I was falling and could never hit the ground. The giant behind me held onto my shoulders with his reptilian hands. He had a calming touch that made me feel protected as we continued downward in the unstable elevator.

Finally, the elevator slowed down and the light began blinking again. I regained weight and balance as the giant released his hands from my shoulders. The desire to panic was decreasing as we gently coasted down. Then, everything came to a complete stop.

The elevator doors opened to a new view of active bodies passing left and right of giants escorting individuals like me. The cloaked giants were all alike with their white skin and bald heads. Some of the captives were wearing handcuffs while others held their heads down while being pushed by the giant behind them. I wanted to empathize with them but I was being pushed as well.

We continued around the corner. The rooms were crowded and filled with giants, making it difficult to stay in line. Nonetheless, I could only observe from my sides. The moment I tried to step away, I was pushed from behind. All the giants matched with light blue cloaks that concealed the lump in their backs.

We turned another corner that led to stairs that curled up and around. We marched our way up, passing more giants with their slaves. Feet were tapping the steps like pattering rain.

At the top, a massive machine was in front of a dark wall that extended through the ceiling like a chimney. The machine's metal surface had an opening on the inside that was shaped like a human body. Many captives were waiting and then entered the machine for a brief moment. Each person perfectly fit inside the opening. The machine's bright lights illuminated everything once a body was positioned inside. The chimney flashed soon after, ending the sequence. After it shut off, the captives would exit without harm and return to the giants escorting them away.

The giant pushed me forward as I stumbled to the front. "Turn around," demanded the giant.

He put his hands on my shoulders, swung me around, and then placed me inside the machine. He locked my arms and legs in. Lastly, my head was secured. The machine reacted by pressing firmly against my body to a tight fit; the pressure restricted any movement to break free. The only view I had was of the giants who blocked everything. I tried moving my head out of the machine but was unsuccessful.

"Hold still," commanded the giant.

"What's going on?" I asked.

No response.

The lights shined brighter as I started shaking uncontrollably with the machine. Panic overwhelmed my body as blurriness overtook my sight. My body was being ripped to shreds while my blood flowed like a river underneath my skin. I pictured the machine breaking my ribs and crushing my heart but it never happened. The machine erupted from behind me, and at the same time, it felt like someone had given me a strong punch to the stomach, entangling my insides.

Suddenly, I was released and the blurriness came into focus. The giant grabbed me by the shoulder and pulled me out.

"What just happened?" I asked nervously.

"Follow us," ordered the giant.

I attempted to gain a sense of balance as I stumbled behind the giant in front of me. The other giant began to push me in the back. I lunged forward, unable to walk with confidence, but stayed on my feet. Every bit of weight I applied on each foot was unpolished and difficult to manage.

A smaller woman was lining up in front of the machine as I walked away. She was pushed into the machine like I had been and screamed as the lights shined out from behind me. I tried to concentrate on my walking instead of thinking of the machine. A cold sensation rushed through my body and ended with my stomach aching. The machine had done something abnormal to me.

We walked around a cyclical building that extended into the ceiling. Captives like me were entering and exiting the different doors along the building. We stopped at a wooden door.

The giant opened it and pointed, "Get in."

I felt a push on my back and fell into a dark room. My legs buckled, causing me to land on my side. Pain immediately spread through my body.

The door slammed behind me.

I tried to collect my thoughts, but everything was still cloudy from the machine. The room was smaller than the previous one and had a small bench next to the door. I lifted myself from the ground and took a seat on the bench. There were no windows or openings, making it another isolated dark room for me to dwell in.

I felt hungry and tired, which was something that hadn't occurred since I was alive on earth. The machine was the only explanation as to why I was uncomfortable and full of anguish. I wanted to lie down on the bench but it was too small. Consequently, my body tensely leaned against the wall as my right foot shook out of impulse. I could hear the sounds of feet outside my room and people talking but nothing I could understand.

I turned around and leaned my head against the wall and tapped it out of frustration. "Owe!" I screamed with pain. The room echoed after my yelp.

The sound of feet hitting the pavement stopped on the other side of the door. The door shook slightly and then opened, letting some light shine in. The two giants stood at each side of the door with a man who had long hair and a beard. He held a circular metal device in his hand. One of the two giants entered the room with the long haired main. I had no desire to stand up for them.

The long haired man looked crafty, like he could wield the giants by mere intelligence. He carefully bent down in front of me. "If you resist, you will suffer the consequences. Understand?" he warned.

I looked at the intimidating giant behind the man. Though still mad, I shook my head in agreement with temperament yet to flare up.

The long haired man lifted the metal device in his hand. As it came closer, I could see it was a collar. I wanted to jump up and hit him in the face and then run away but I wasn't going to get anywhere with the giants around.

"Hold still please," he instructed. He lifted his arms close to my neck with the collar. I could feel the collar rub against my neck as he wrapped it around me. The collar clicked and tightened. The uncomfortable feeling suffocated my remaining desires to feel free.

"Get this off of me!" I yelled.

The long haired man shushed me and ordered one of the giants to hold me down. With ease, my body was submissively held in the enormous white hands of the giant. I could feel his power push down on my body.

The long haired man stood up over me as I stayed seated. He pulled the giant next to his face and whispered something to him. He then turned to me and cleared his throat, "This collar is complicated. It is designed so that you may maintain function of your body but not require any maintenance. You will not eat, drink, sleep, or do anything to satisfy yourself. The collar will supply you with minimum nourishment to live. Basically, it keeps you alive. This will be considered normal and you will get use to it."

"Why do I have to have this collar, and why did you put me in that machine?" I asked frustrated.

"The machine gave you a physical body for your soul to be in so you may repent. One cannot fully repent without pain," replied the long haired man.

"Fuck you and get this off of me," I yelled with irritation. I clenched my body and waited for a punch or kick resulting from my verbal reaction. The two huddled over me without any movements.

The long hair man spoke up. "You don't understand the complexity of your situation. You will be living with a collar now, and I suggest that you take it seriously. You cannot learn life until you can control your urges. The collar makes you do so."

"This doesn't make sense," I said.

"It does," he replied, "Without the collar, you will selfishly act upon your own desires. Now, you will learn how to live appropriately and correct your past. You will see. Your new life will begin how you ended it. Even the same clothes you wore at death resemble who you were. "

"Whatever," I replied.

"It's not _whatever_ ," the long haired man replied with attitude.

I looked down at the ground.

"Like I was saying," he continued, "You have the same clothes from death. Inside your pockets are what you had on you at the time of death. What you have you were allowed to keep. I suggest you hold onto those for sentimental purposes."

I checked my pockets and felt some things inside them and my wallet in my back pocket.

"You will have time to look at them, but for now, you must go to the orientation room," said the bearded man.

"What the fuck is an orientation room?"

"Your introduction to hell," he replied.

"Great," I said sarcastically.

The long haired man stood up. "Good luck." He passed through the giants and exited the room.

"This sucks," I pouted. I gripped my collar and tried to pull it off.

The giant grabbed onto my shoulder. "Let's go."

I followed him to the door as he guided me back out. The other giant stayed behind me. The collar pierced through my nerves making me cower under the giants. I felt like a dog being walked around the pound. They had all the control and it seemed they wanted me to suffer.

We walked back into the hallway of giants escorting people with collars. I could hear screams coming from the rooms that echoed through the cracks of the doors. Some doors would swing open and have dismal looking captives marching out. It seemed like forever walking past the endless walls. My belongings were moving around in my pockets, helping me not forget of my life when I was alive and the death that had ended it. I reached my hand down my back pocket to pull out my wallet but a hand smacked it away.

Ahead of me was a line of captives waiting to enter a room. Once the captives reached the front of the line, they were shoved through the door by a giant. I followed the assembly line that was accumulating and slowly made my way to the front.

We paused at front of the door momentarily while the giant scanned my collar. I was then pushed through the door like a piece of trash. The giants left me in the new room and did not follow me in. I wanted to scream out loud but knew it wasn't going to get me anywhere.

Inside were hundreds of confused people walking and shouting at each other. We were in an auditorium that had a stage at the front that was guarded by two giants. The auditorium was dim except for the stage where two bright lights shined over it.

Once I regained my balance from being pushed, I noticed that everyone had collars around their necks like I did. Screams, verbal threats, and cries for help were all blended into one horrific sound that I tried to tone out. A confrontation of two men arguing arose in front of me. One continued to provoke the other while he was being held back by a group of people. It made me run to the back of the auditorium where it was less crowded.

People were continuing to enter, and it only increased my anxiety. As I found a spot close to the back, I was able to get a better view of the auditorium. With little coincidence, it reminded me of my school cafeteria. There was a line of people leaning against the wall with me, sharing my tactic to avoid any confrontation. The giants stood their ground at the front and scared off anyone who dare tried to climb onto the stage. Most of the captives pointed their fingers and yelled out in frustration instead of approaching the giants.

Through my peripheral vision was a man staring at me to my right. He continued to stare at me instead of what was in front of him. I finally made eye contact with him to figure out his reason for making me feel uncomfortable. He nodded his head trying to say hi and then waved at me.

I looked down pretending not to notice, but he stepped closer to me. I could tell he used to have spiked hair but now it had fallen down into a messy bunch. He was very gangly like me.

"Hey, where are you from?" he asked, still trying to maintain eye contact.

"I don't know. It doesn't matter now," I said, not wanting to talk. I looked down at the ground hoping he would go away.

"Oh, that's ok. I thought you looked familiar. Just trying to find some friends." He stepped in front of me waiting for a response.

I didn't say anything.

"What's your name?" he asked, "Mine is Andy." He smiled and stuck out his hand to shake.

"James," I responded concisely. I reached out to shake his hand, but could only grasp his four fingers. I awkwardly felt his fingers clump together.

"Can you believe this?" Andy griped, "These people here are so bias and only care about themselves. Just because someone thinks and lives different doesn't give them reason to do this to us. Don't you think this is terrible?" He crossed his arms and looked disgruntled. There was something off about him.

"Yep, it sucks." I didn't feel like contributing to his objections, but for some reason he continued to talk without me showing any interest towards him.

"They're scared of someone like me joining their world," he ranted and started waving his hand to impersonate the giants, "We cannot accept someone like _you_. You have to suffer eternal damnation because you're not like us."

I shook my head yes and agreed, wanting him to leave so I could think. He seemed like a nice guy, but I just didn't feel like talking to anyone.

Captives were still entering the auditorium and moving towards the back. It was almost seventy-five percent full.

He continued talking, "And these people in power make you follow their beliefs. What's the big deal?" He stopped and noticed I wasn't attentive. "What didn't they like about you James?"

"I dunno," I replied, not caring or knowing what else to say. "They just don't like me I guess. I wanted to be free just like you but there's not much we can do about it now."

"I just wanted to be at peace when I died. Be safe and be free." Andy put his hand on my shoulder. "Unfortunately, we are far from free James." His eye contact was powerful making me feel uncomfortable.

Suddenly the lights went out followed by an uproar of voices. Andy's hand still rested on my shoulder and his grip tightened as more people screamed and bumped into us. I wanted him to get his hand off me but didn't want to push him away and create more controversy.

More lights ignited from the stage and flashed into the crowd; they were like searchlights swaying over us. It blinded me temporarily whenever a stream of light swept over my face. I lifted my shoulder to get Andy's hand off of me, but he didn't let go.

A figure walked onto the stage. He had long hair and resembled the man who put the collar on me. I hated the smirk that was on his face. I remembered him vividly from when he locked the collar around my neck.

Once the lights brightened the auditorium, Andy's hand slowly dropped from my shoulder. I breathed a sigh of relief, happy he was off me. I liked having my own space in the densely populated auditorium but I was always being bumped into or touched from people passing me by.

My eyes started to focus as everyone around me began to take shape. Not only did I feel congested, but a mugginess odor from body accumulation started lingering throughout the humid room. My collar added to the distressful scenario.

Everyone continued to scream and throw a fit towards the man on stage. An onlooker attempted to climb onto the stage but was immediately pushed off by a giant with one brush of a hand. The onlooker fell into the crowd creating an outcry of violence in front. Suddenly, everyone began rushing onto the stage and wildly climbing over the heads of the crowd that were stationary and protecting themselves from further harm. I was glad that I had picked a spot in the back where I could watch. Andy stood next to me with his hand over his mouth out of disbelief while intense screams and arguing echoed throughout the room.

More bodies flew back into the crowd from the resistance of the giants that didn't budge and controlled the situation with ease. Bodies relentlessly tried to take control of the stage but were too weak, undeterred by the size of the powerful giants.

Without delay, all the collars lit up and emitted a high pitched screech. Before I was able to grab my collar, the noise penetrated into my brain and dispensed through my body, paralyzing every muscle. The high pitched scream was uncontrollable to block and caused everyone to fall to the floor. The captives who were running onto the stage fell off and crashed onto the ground. Still fighting to stand up, I was one of the last to stand until I eventually hit the ground. As I smashed onto the hard floor, I saw everyone lying motionless next to me. We were all paralyzed while a few were convulsing. I could see Andy's drooling face on the ground next to me. It looked like he was trying to say something but he couldn't make any movements in his face.

While facing Andy, a heavy body landed on top of me. He rolled over my head like a barrel of bricks and pushed me into the ground. I couldn't do anything but withstand the painful force of being crushed. My arms twisted with the motion of his body.

Suddenly, the high pitched sound stopped. My body was released and regained function. I was still being crushed by a large body but I didn't have the strength to shove him off me. His hands pushed down on random parts of me as he frantically struggled to get to his feet. Andy's was slowly getting up but didn't see me trapped underneath. I started hitting the man who was on top of me.

"Easy!" yelled the overweight man.

"Get off me then!" I yelled and continued to jab him harder in the back.

He lunged forward using me as leverage and then balanced to his feet. He picked at his shorts and then wandered through the crowd, without checking to see if I was alright. I sat up trying to breathe normally and began wiping off the accumulated sweat from numerous bodies.

Everyone was moaning and groaning as they rose to their feet. Many were holding their head or another body part that was agonizing to them. I couldn't see the man who had crushed me anymore. He had selfishly made his way to the front. As I stood up, and feeling slightly bruised, Andy moved closer to me.

On the stage, the giants were in the same positions as earlier with the long haired man between them. They waited for the audience to gain their composure.

Andy spoke up and rubbed his head. "Those assholes! Who do they think they are?"

I grasped my collar that was securely around my neck and shook it in frustration.

"Attention," demanded the long haired man on the stage. His vociferous voice clearly reached the back of the auditorium. He calmly raised his hand, silencing everyone from the groaning and complaining.

Everyone started to settle in with delayed grunts. The majority of people became fixated on what was about to occur on stage. The silence calmed me down and helped quiet the ringing in my head. We were all at mercy to the collar and coerced to obey. Otherwise, we all had to suffer the consequences.

The long haired man repeated, "Attention." He swiped his hair to the side and cleared his voice.

I heard a few brave individuals who were yelling at the stage. Everyone else was quiet.

"Welcome," the long haired man said with his arms in the air. He then lowered them to his side. "Let me first start off by saying that you are all here because you chose to be here. Our hope is that you will learn from your choices and find peace in your hearts to change. Seek with faith and you shall find salvation."

An angry woman in the front yelled with discontent. I didn't blame her but I didn't have the guts like she had to yell out anything. The giant's eyes shifted in her direction with intimidation.

The long haired man waited for another outburst from the woman, but it was silent. He continued, "I know this may seem a bit overwhelming, but you all will soon be accustomed to your new home, hell that is."

Dissatisfied grunts continued in the crowd.

"Silence now," demanded the long haired man, "You will learn and change from within. I have faith in every single one of you." There was no microphone or stand in front of him. It also seemed like he had conducted this speech before.

"We will be helping you on your journey and we want to help guide you in choosing your final destination. This destination that I am talking about is heaven." He paused. "There will be many souls in hell. Look for the angels and individuals that already belong to a religion to help you achieve heavenly status. They will be there for you. But do not worry, for there are a variety of faiths for each unique person. We do not force faith on you; you must find faith yourself. It may take a long time or a short time; it all depends on how much heart you put into it." The long haired man extended his arms to everyone in front of him, "We have language and culture in common here. People are being oriented all around us. This room fits you accordingly because of language and belief, and the speech I am giving you is for everyone all over the world."

I started flexing my feet around to stop the numbness of standing still. My toes wiggled the uncomfortable feeling away. The long haired man was saying the same material I was told when I was first assessed by Rick. Everything was a redundant process. It was difficult to understand the significance in what we were doing.

"Now that I have everyone's full attention, let me go over the basic rules in hell. These are standards that are required for everyone to follow for their own safety. Most importantly, they decide your destiny. We all want to advance to heaven, but if these rules are broken, you will suffer immensely and your progress will be delayed."

The lady up front started shouting again, but I was unable to make out her hateful outburst. She advanced close to the front of the stage and was pumping her fist in the air.

The long haired man continued to ignore the lady, "First of all. I want everyone to take a look at the two tall gentlemen in front of me." The long haired man turned and allowed time for the audience to view the giants. "Inside of these avatars are good heavenly souls. The bodies were formulated to protect you, and of course, themselves. They were built for power and strength. They can resolve any altercation that may arise. I advise that you stay out of trouble so you won't have to cross paths with one of them." He moved his head from one side of the crowd to the other side, scanning everyone. "These good souls that are controlling the avatars have volunteered to protect, enforce, and ensure your safety. Due to shift changes, there are different souls switching in and out of them all the time. One thing for sure, and I will only say this one more time... Do not make them angry. They possess the power of five-hundred men." The long haired man lifted his arms towards the two giants on each side. "Observe."

Suddenly the two giants ripped off their cloaks with fury. The clothing over them shredded to pieces and monstrous wings emerged from behind them. It all looked synchronized and gracious. Their chests were heaving up and down while their muscles pulsated, like they had just lifted a building. The crowd was in awe as they watched the giant's wings expand.

The long haired man stepped to the end of the stage and continued lecturing, "We will be watching every movement. Do not underestimate the power of observation we have. If any dispute arises, it will be taken care of punitively and swiftly."

The long haired man pointed to someone in the crowd, but nobody could tell what he was requesting. A giant walked down the stage and through the crowd. Commotion began to stir up, but no one wanted to confront the giant.

The giant returned back to the stage with the disorderly woman who was screaming from earlier. She was being pulled by her head as she tried to push the giant's hand off, but it was useless. She lifted her feet onto the waist of the giant and exerted all her energy to break free. Her voice shrieked throughout the crowd that sent shrills down my back, making my feet feel weak.

The long haired man approached the woman and leaned in close to her face. He whispered something into her ear and then turned his posture back to the crowd. "I want everyone to observe."

The giant placed his hands around her shoulders rendering her from making any movement. She was held tightly as the long haired man started configuring something on her collar. I heard people around me talk with disappointment that they were treating the lady the way they were. The complaining was subtle so nobody's voice could be heard.

The long haired man communicated again to the attention of the crowd, "Observe."

The collar around the woman's neck illuminated the room. She was screaming furiously and struggling to break free from the giant but couldn't wiggle out or gain any leverage. The long haired man continued to delegate his duties to the giants.

An elastic mask activated from the collar and rose up, covering the woman's mouth. It slowly continued up to her nose. The material was like clear ooze that slithered upwards. Everyone was focused on what was happening to the woman. Her screaming turned into muffling groans. Finally, the skin-like shield covered her entire head. Her eyes, nose, and mouth were all covered by a tight blanket that suffocated her. The giant still had a tight grip on the woman and did not let her move a muscle.

The long haired man grabbed the faceless woman and turned her to the crowd, "This is the consequence for disobedience. After experiencing this, you will know what excruciating pain is. Not only will you be like this for an extended period of time based on our discretion, but you will be placed in a pit that is like a sauna making you feel beyond uncomfortable." The long haired man paused. "So let me reiterate. Behave yourselves."

He turned back over to the incapacitated woman and tinkered with her collar. The elastic mask that covered her head retracted back into the collar. The woman gasped for air and was released by the giant. She collapsed to the ground and grabbed her chest.

The giant grabbed her by the hair and threw her back into the crowd. As she fell into the crowd, the nearby people inspected her to see if she was alright. I could hear her crying. Everyone was shocked by what they had just witnessed. Most of all, I knew they were worried that this could happen to them. I held my collar with delicacy thinking that it could easily cover my face in seconds.

The long haired man started smirking again. "I would also like to tell each and every one of you that it is impossible to die. These collars keep you alive. Treat them nicely and they will treat you nicely. Also, be kind to your bodies. Being dead may seem like you can do anything, but you can't, and there are restrictions to your bodies. Do not test it."

My legs continued to feel weak. Part of me felt like I was dreaming. It was difficult to imagine this was the way things worked after we died. They were prepping us for our future in hell and none of us knew what to expect. I pictured all the fiery pits and demons running around torturing people. I took a deep breath with a long slow exhale, trying to piece everything together.

Andy was getting emotional as tears fell from his eyes. We caught each other's glances, but I quickly looked away, not wanting to get caught up in his rainy parade. Everyone had their own shit to deal with, and I didn't want to see another miserable captive in hell ready to confront me with their issues. I preferred to solve my own emotional problems in solitude.

"Next," commanded the long haired man, "Everyone will stay within the boundaries. You will not have access to anything so that will not be a problem. But if we see any attempts of destruction, you will be punished immediately. Hell is always expanding and new space is always being created, so do not tamper with anything. It will be very difficult to do so, but I am reminding you only one more time. Do not show or commit a destructive behavior."

I could hear people in the crowd agreeing out of fright. Nobody wanted their head devoured by their collars.

"Like I said earlier, there will be heavenly souls from every belief in hell. They will help build your faith, and if you accept and repent, you will be building an everlasting relationship with your deity. Take their advice and let it grow. This is the only way out. The longer it takes you to accept your position, the longer it will take you to succeed in your goals."

I could see the wings twitch on the giants as they changed their posture. It was odd to think that a good religious soul could be inside a vicious looking creature. Their faces were shaped normally but their unbroken eyes and ridged teeth made them look monstrous.

"Remember that you will determine your destiny," said the long haired man.

It was difficult for me to think that this man was inspiring. We were all being sentenced to hell, so I couldn't understand why all of this was relevant. His dictatorial speech only made me hate him more than I already did.

"You will be entering a new world. You must be open to change and to not think with ethnocentrism. That does not exist here as you will quickly find that out. There are numerous obstacles to overcome, but ultimately, you must show loyalty and faith to us. With all my condolences, good luck to you all." The long haired man patted the backs of the two giants and with a nod to the crowd; he faded into the dark background.

Everyone began asking with increasing volume, 'Where are we?' 'What do we do?' 'How do we get to heaven?'

I could no longer see Andy who had moved somewhere else in the room. I felt bad for him; he looked like a trainwreck. Mostly everyone in the auditorium remained where they were. There was a sense of discomposure in the air with nowhere to go or hide.

A door crudely opened on the opposite side of the auditorium. It made a loud noise, attracting the attention of the crowd as it sent a whirl of clean dry air into the humid confines. Everyone surrounding the door took a few steps back in shock. A new giant appeared from the open door, commanding everyone to file in one by one.

To the side of me, a chubby curly haired woman was crying and stressfully pulling her hair down. Her white pursy face was turning red. A man to my other side was kneeling down flabbergasted by everything. His hands were on his knees staring down at the ground, not making any movement. He remained silent and looked down without any drives of emotion.

People were slowly lining up for the mysterious door that had opened. They frantically pushed one another to form a constructed line. A body brushed by my shoulder; it was the chubby woman with long braided hair. She had tripped over the man who was in a ball. The people surrounding her helped her to her feet. She thanked the two that had stopped to help and continued to squeeze through the crowd.

The two giants on the stage were herding everyone towards the new door. I felt more comfortable as I gained more space and moved with the motion of the crowd towards the door. A trail of moist body odor was in front of me. I checked the unmoved man bunched up in a ball pathetically sitting in his own lament.

As we were slowly being pushed and funneled into the new room, a body bumped into my back causing me to hit into the person in front of me. The physical contact infuriated me immensely, but I kept my composure pretending it didn't bother me.

The man curled up in a ball was now being investigated by a giant. The giant's wings were extending out as it towered over the man. The giant gripped onto the man's shoulder and forced him into the motion of the crowd. I caught a glimpse of the giant's hands. There were small talon like-nails at the end of their fingers that looked like they could slice through anything they wanted. The giant looked in my direction as I scurried along in horror trying to gain some distance from its eyesight.

I approached the door that everyone was entering. The auditorium had emptied with only a handful of us left in the room. The chubby curly haired woman was ahead of me. She was stopped momentarily by the giant's hand extending out. After, she waited for the giant to grant her access, she staggered through the door, turned the corner, and disappeared.

I was next in line. The giant's hand lifted and signaled me to continue as I passed through the door and followed the single file line in front of me. Another giant at the end of the hallway pointed in the direction of the slow but perpetual line. As I turned, the hallway became narrower. The smell of old rotting wood filled my nose, and the writing above the doors was unclear. I mistakenly stepped on the curly haired lady's heels in front of me, but she didn't turn around to scorn me. Behind me, were more captives arbitrarily piling into the hallway. We marched in a single file line down the hallway without knowing what was going to happen to us. Suicide ran through my head again, but the collar reminded me I couldn't die in peace. I would feel great satisfaction if I could just give up and fade away.

Ahead of me, captives were being shoved into unknown doors that we passed. I began to focus on the writing above the doors but could not find the meaning of them. A giant opened the door for the person at the front of the line and pushed him into the nearest door. The giant then opened the next door and pushed the next person through.

Where were these people going? I set my hands in my pockets and stiffened my muscles with nervousness. I couldn't do anything but continue to progress forward. A man ahead of me was bracing himself before the giant grabbed onto him. He held his hands over his head protecting what little he could. The giant grabbed him by the shoulder and threw him into the next door.

The curly haired woman ahead of me screamed. Her outburst made me jump to the side. I touched one of the doors as I passed by, but it felt like a normal wooden door. I quickly tried the handle on the door ahead of me to see if it would open, but it was locked.

Ahead of me, the giant grabbed its next victim and opened the door. The giant tossed the man through, which only shortened the line ahead of me.

"Psst... Hey!" A voice whispered behind me.

I turned around to see a skinny lady who looked apprehensive that she had sparked my attention. She lifted up her eyebrows high, "Why did you try to open those doors? They are specifically for the souls that fall through them. Those doors can only be controlled by those beasts."

I was trying the doors out of curiosity, but it was more out of impulse. I didn't know why she had to acknowledge my existence. "Yeah I know," I said. "Just checking. This is all bullshit anyways..."

"Don't say that," whispered the woman, "I am getting out of here and obeying everything. Once the opportunity comes to me, I am leaving this place."

"Good luck," I turned my head back to the front to see that I was almost next. I didn't care about her plans.

"Psst... Hey!" the woman whispered again.

I turned back around, not wanting to talk to her. "What!" I whispered angrily.

"Do you want to pray with me?" Her eyebrows were as high as they could ever be.

"No. I don't," I said frankly and then faced forward. It was too late for her to repent and try to make grace with god. I felt sorry for her that she was praying before entering the gates of hell. I pictured a fiery pit waiting for us on the other side of the door.

The woman behind me began praying for mercy. She mentioned her son and apologized for her actions as a mom. I wanted her to shut up.

The chubby curly haired woman was now the only one ahead of me. She started crying as the giant grabbed her by the shoulders. The door swung open and she was pushed into the door. I could hear her screaming until the door slammed and silenced her. No other sound came from that room.

I was next.

My muscles tensed up as I approached the nearing door. I started taking baby steps, trying to avoid confrontation with the giant. My legs trembled, making it heavier to walk to the door chosen for me, but I couldn't delay the process. The giant stopped in front of the upcoming door and gave me a deathly stare with eyes ready to pounce. I could hear it breathe heavily through its pointy teeth as it reached out and grabbed my shoulders, pulling my weak body inward. His grip tightened as the door swung open. I was immediately tossed into darkness as the door slammed behind me.

In the black silence, a slight humming noise guided me forward. As the ghostly wind pushed me from behind, a hint of light shined through the dark room. I slowly tiptoed through the opening and kept my arms forward for any sudden impacts. I felt like a boat voyaging out to sea to discover the unknown, vulnerable to what was ahead.

The light flashed over my face and blinded me. The humming changed to a faint noise of hundreds of people talking. My eyes squinted against the light, timidly waiting for something to magically appear. I knew what I pictured in my head was not the reality of what was on the other side.

Hell

Echoes of commotion rumbled off the stonelike walls from the patrons treading around a very eerie but still earthly surrounding. It was like twilight murkiness, but what made it usual was everyone was acting normal and going through what looked like their customary schedule. Not to mention having a collar around their necks didn't help the strangeness, but then again, even I was wearing a collar. Stumbling with confusion, I leaned against the wall to avoid the people passing by. The tile was cold as it pierced through my shoes, giving me an unwelcoming feeling. I detected cold stares through the beaming eyes of each captive as they walked by, but not interested or delayed.

I looked at the sleeves on my t-shirt. They were wrinkled as they hung over my skinny arms. I tried to straighten them out, but then realized it wasn't important. My broken watch was still wrapped around my wrist stuck at 5:15 pm. I felt dead and useless like the watch, only I had a pulse.

A continuous stream of bodies passed me by one after the other. Usually it was very easy for me to ignore and suppress whatever surrounded me, especially people, but the feeling of loneliness overwhelmed me as I stood against the wall in a crowded hallway. The more I had been alone in my life, the more I began to live in my own head.

Oblivious to the old lady in front of me, I looked up from my watch.

"Sir... Sir?" asked the old lady.

"Oh hi... I'm sorry... where am I?" I didn't know what else to say. I suddenly realized she was holding a satchel with frozen popsicles inside her ratty gray robe. She was unpleasant to look at and she had a distinguished nose that you could point out from across the way.

"One of many stations... Station one-thousand-two-hundred and fifty-six to be exact. Would you like a popsicle?"

Not knowing what to do, I reached out and grabbed it. "Thank you," I said with appreciation. I didn't have an appetite, but I could use something to distract my senses.

She stood over me and gave me a cold stare like I owed her something. I anxiously waited for her to leave me alone, but she didn't move. Knowing she wasn't going away, I reached into my pocket and gave her my mushroom keychain from Super Mario Bros. She thanked me, ending with a "God bless," and then walked away into the traffic of people.

I looked down at my dripping popsicle and began devouring it. It didn't have a taste. I examined it for a quick moment—then continued eating it. I thought of anything with a fruit flavor to decipher the taste. What the popsicle consisted of I didn't know. One of the first lessons when I was a kid was not to take candy from strangers. Another broken rule of many, and I knew it wouldn't be the last time.

After my mysterious treat, I began to observe my surroundings. I had two choices, which were to go left or right. It seemed better than standing against the wall.

In one of my pockets were my keys, and the other had some change. In my back pocket, was my wallet with whatever identification cards I had hoarded over the years. Over my skinny frame, were the same clothes and shoes I wore from earlier. I grabbed the collar that was around my neck and shook it a little. It didn't bug me much anymore, but I felt awkward having a metal contraption around my neck. Everyone else didn't seem to mind, so I decided not to mess with it.

People were diligently walking in different directions on each side of the hallway. They seemed harmless, but I didn't know what to expect. I took a deep breath and stepped into a flow of people walking in what seemed the most desirable route to take.

Nobody was interested in one another or had welcoming looks on their faces. I wanted to find an information area that could guide me somewhere. There were no signs or directions as far as I could see. I stood on my toes as I walked and looked over the backsides of people's heads. Over them was nothing but an endless spacious hallway. It was almost like a mall, except there were no window shopping, bathrooms, or anything else to the side. I noticed writings and carvings on the walls that I didn't understand. Behind me was the same open hallway.

Without seeing the man in front of me, I collided into his back. A stinging sensation filled my nose and created numbness over my face. He jerked his head around and started yelling something in another language. None of us stopped our walking due to the ongoing progression of people moving forward. Not knowing what to do, I looked down at the floor, hoping my cowardly action could be an apology. After he was finished, he turned back around and began mumbling something to himself. I slowed my stride down so I could separate away from him.

To my side was a thinly shaped woman with long brunette hair. She looked to be no older than her late twenties and had an attractive look to her. Her face was smooth and nose curved out forming an irresistible complexion. I gave her a smile ending with a pathetic puzzling look of discontent with my current situation. After an awkward five seconds, she finally smiled and reached into her pocket. Still walking by her side, and cautious of everyone in front of me, I said, "hi."

She pulled out a photograph and held it like a police officer showing his badge at me. I examined the crinkled photo. It was of a little girl holding a softball bat who looked like she was no older than thirteen.

"Have you seen this girl? She is my sister and I don't know where she is?"

Baffled, I shook my head no. I could see her eyes were red from crying.

"I actually just got here and I don't know how—" I replied.

"Do you think you could help me?" she interrupted, "I don't know what to do. I can't find my friends who were helping me earlier."

With the thought of company, I hesitated, but finally shook my head yes.

Jennifer continued, "You have to be careful here. You can lose people very easily. The worst of all, nobody cares about you."

"Is that who you lost?" I asked. I felt nervous when I looked in her eyes.

"I lost her when I died. She is lost down here like I am. Some friends who I met were helping me and then they disappeared... So I don't know where they went," Jennifer trailed off frustrated.

I didn't know what to say. I was never good at meeting new people.

"My name is Jennifer," she forced a smile and briefly looked into my eyes, then glanced back at her picture. I did the same. Jennifer's hair was pressed against her face from the sweat that had dried up, adding to her stressful look, though she was still appealing.

Before she could say anything else, a body darted between us, breaking us apart. The man was holding onto something under his shirt. He quickly passed us and worked his way through the crowd, sometimes crawling under them. He bumped into more bodies stirring up controversy around them.

The ground abruptly began to tremble. Everyone was looking around and trying to determine where the noise was coming from. My newly acquired attractive friend was panicking feverishly. Others continued to ignore the disturbance.

The trembling changed into a rumbling and the wind started to blow against our faces.

I was about to flee to the side for safety, but Jennifer hurriedly moved to my side and locked elbows with me. I pulled her to the side with me and we slammed against the wall just in time to see an armored figure with wings flying in our direction. It looked of the same giant that I had seen before; but now had protective gear over its bulky body.

An opened circle began to form in front of us. I gained my balance while Jennifer leaned against me with her arm still locked to my side. The giant stopped the man who had run past us. As the man fell to the floor, the giant stood over him with a terrorizing look. The man lifted his arms in the air, trying to act innocent. A shoe dropped from under his shirt. He then cowered to the nearest wall gazing up in horror once the giant began to follow him.

Screams and concerned voices filled the long hallway. Everyone backed away making a bigger circle around the giant and the frightened man. I couldn't understand what most people were saying as they backed into me. I uncomfortably shifted away, trying to avoid any contact. Jennifer was already crying and invading my personal space. Not knowing how to comfort her I asked, "Are you ok?"

She shook her head no and continued crying. I gingerly patted her shoulder, poorly displaying my inability to comfort a woman.

The giant brought out shackles and chains from its side and dropped them in front of the man. He began screaming once he saw his fate of being subdued. He then reached for the shoe that had dropped, but the giant quickly stomped its foot in front of his hand. The shaking man retreated back to the wall. Grunting something incomprehensible, the giant began chaining the man's hands together. After the giant cuffed his hands, it shackled his feet together. The giant grabbed the man by the collar and pulled him in. It then assembled the collar and pushed down on the side to activate it.

Many of the bystanders were interested in the commotion but no one provoked the situation. Jennifer was still crying and now was attached to my hip. It felt awkward to have someone sharing a moment with me. I took a step forward and to get a better view, passively trying to shake her off of me.

A sound was administered through his collar, and it began to light up. The man's eyes expanded with fright as the skin coating from the collar slowly began to wrap around his face. The coating advanced over his nose, like an electric blanket creating a faceless mask. The man looked down with horror at his plastered nose as it began to cover his eyes.

His screams were muffled as the mask fully covered his face to the top of his head. I could see the outline of his face behind the mask. His imprinted mouth behind the mask couldn't breathe in any air, but he was still alive.

The giant took a firm hold of the chains and jerked the faceless man upside-down. The giant pulled the shackled man in and braced itself for liftoff. As it bolted into the air with reinforcement of its wings, a twirl of wind was created around us. The giant graciously flew away while the man hung upside-down by his feet. I could see the man bob up and down, like a rodent under the grasp of an eagle.

I knew I was not in a safe place, and at any moment I could be snatched up by a giant. I wanted to avoid everything that walked in front of me, however, that seemed impossible.

Everyone began moving again like nothing had happened. I heard different accents and languages of the people walking by, and glanced over at them unable to communicate. We all exchanged frightened looks but nothing was said. I focused back to Jennifer who was still sniffling and beginning to lift her head up. We slowly started to walk with the momentum of people forcing us to continue forward. Jennifer was easing her grip on me with less tension. Many of the people passing by had confused stares, sometimes trying to get attention or information. I didn't like it when they caught me staring at them.

Jennifer began raising her arm with the picture of her sister at people. Her face was still red and covered in tears. She was determined to find her sister despite her dreadful condition. "Anyone seen her?"

She caught the attention of a middle aged man signaling us from across the crowd. He was trying to fight through the open spaces of people to get to us. He held up his index finger in the air for us to give him a moment.

Jennifer perked her head up, interested that she had found someone who had responded to her picture.

"Hey there!" the man said panting, "Boy, it's always good to find people I can understand." He had a green shirt with a front pocket on the left side. His giant beard covered his face and most of his neck. I was a little jealous of his capability to grow such a thick beard.

Jennifer slowly released from my side. "You've seen my sister?"

The man took the picture from Jennifer examining it. "No I haven't."

"Then why did you say so?" Jennifer said, no longer hopeful.

"I never did," he replied, "I thought you needed some help."

"What is your name?" asked Jennifer.

"Its Ed. Sorry to impede on your progress, or wherever you two are headed, but I always enjoy a little company while I'm walking through hell. Many people don't understand English so I never miss an opportunity when I can talk with someone who understands me."

Jennifer nodded her head, "Understandable. My name is Jennifer and this is James."

I gave Ed a wave. I hated talking with strangers.

We maintained our walking pace towards what seemed like a never-ending finish line of a wide hallway.

"Nice to meet you two," Ed said kindly. His beard hid most of his smile. "So how long have you both been here?"

Jennifer replied, "I've been looking for my sister for weeks now, I think." She held up the picture again. "But now I've lost track of time since the moment I came into this terrible place."

I followed by saying "I just got here."

"Nobody knows what time, day, month, or even year it is," Ed affirmed, "So you two are newbie's then?"

"I guess you can say that," Jennifer responded, "But I am not too fond of this new place."

"No one is. This place sucks. The only fun I have is talking to people like you. Once that is gone, you only have yourself," Ed said charismatically.

Ed had an unusual stride to him. He would take disproportionately small steps as he walked. For some reason, it irritated me.

"Do you know where we are?" I asked.

Ed finally looked in my direction, "We are in station one-thousand two-hundred and fifty-six, and I am trying to get to one-thousand two-hundred and fifty-seven." Ed held up a fist of satisfaction. "I started at seven-hundred and eighty-four. It seems like years to me..."

"That's a lot of stations" Jennifer said humbled but still determined, "How am I supposed to search all of them for my sister?"

"You don't," replied Ed.

"I have to try," said Jennifer.

"Hey, I'm not saying you can't. But without a destination, it will be very hard to find what you're looking for."

We sometimes stopped from walking due to the overcrowded hallways of people. It left me unconvinced that everything was in order ahead of me.

"So is everyone here dead?" I asked. The question seemed rhetorical but I had to ask.

"Yes, but everyone is alive as you can see. I have heard this place being described as a purgatory. For others it is hell. To me it's simply an overcrowded prison. These stations are being heavily watched. See how everyone is wearing a collar?"

We nodded yes. Jennifer was still thinking about Ed's comment about her sister.

"You don't want to do anything to upset these collars or the ones in control. What I have learned is these collars keep you alive but have the potential to make your life a living hell. The collars can wipe out your appearance."

"I saw a collar cover this man's head and he was taken away by a flying giant," I responded.

"Ah ok, so you saw what they are capable of. It may seem like there is no control and there is chaos everywhere, but believe me, its controlled chaos and there is nothing we can do about it. Once the collar takes you over, you will rot in the depths of hell for a long time with no sight, hearing, smell, taste, or any other perception. The only thing you hear in the depths of hell are constant moaning sounds of people trying to breathe."

Jennifer spoke out "Why does this happen to them?"

Ed looked ahead of him and then replied, "They must have done something real bad. Most of the time, these people lose their cool and end up trying to kill someone; that's from what I have seen. It's a dangerous environment when everyone is colliding into one another and they are agitated and hungry. There are too many people."

"Well then," Jennifer said, "Let's not get into trouble."

"As long as you mind your business and don't raise attention to yourself, or your collar, you should be fine," Ed said.

"You make that sound real easy. I hope you're right," I replied.

"It keeps you on your toes," Ed said with excitement. He certainly seemed to have been around for some time in hell and was always aware of his surroundings. Perhaps that was why he walked the way he did.

I tried to think of anyone who I knew that had died, and although I never associated with one person when I was alive, it was difficult to think of anyone worthwhile to seek in hell. Most of the people I had talked with seemed more like acquaintances rather than friends. It made me realize that I had no friends or family.

"Can we stick with you for awhile then?" Jennifer asked

Ed thought about it for a moment. "That's fine, but when I find out where this next station is, we have to part ways."

Jennifer moved in front of me, making me no longer in the middle of the two. "Why are you going to that particular station?" Her back turned to me. She then remembered I had switched sides with her and moved herself so that I was included in on the conversation.

He let out a short sigh, "My dad carved that number in the ground with his initials. It was carved in almost every station I've been to. I think that's where he is..." Ed paused, "No. I know that's where he is."

Jennifer put her arm on his back "I looking for my sister too. I know how hard it is."

I stayed quiet because I couldn't relate.

I felt alone again once Ed had met Jennifer and me. At any moment, they could easily disappear into the crowd and forget about me. It seemed like I was looking in on them from the outside. It was a miserable feeling that I had experienced my whole life, but I was used to it. I started thinking about where I grew up and how I would never see my neighborhood again. I could never experience freedom or go to the local store and buy a cold drink and a burger. Why did an afterlife have to exist?

I watched Ed make Jennifer laugh. She was beginning to cheer up amongst the sadness. The more they talked, the more I began to ignore Jennifer and Ed. I stayed with them but watched the different people walk by; some of them must have been in hell for an extended time. Historic figures, generals, and movie stars were all on hell's list. I thought of the many notable figures throughout time and classified them into heaven or hell. Many had the possibility to be ancestors of mine. Historically it was interesting, but personally I didn't care. There were many elderly looking figures with long beards and slouched body posture. Some wore old uniforms, never letting go of their war.

Everyone from the world was here. They were crammed into a hell without the ability to achieve a heavenly status; that was something we all had in common.

I heard Jennifer reassure Ed, "I hope you find him. I can't imagine a world where we were meant to be alone..."

*

After more walking and stopping for hours, a larger opening appeared in the distance. Whenever we came to a halt, everyone would shove and bump into each other, attempting to pass the person in front of them. We were all impatient to be somewhere, caught up in the tight space of the crowd. Farther out, the ceiling expanded up and outwards to more of an open structure.

I trailed Jennifer who was following Ed. The majority of people who bumped into me would smirk at me with their own dialogue. It was probably best I didn't understand. Everyone seemed to be in his or her own group of people who spoke the same language. It made sense that in an unknown and unordinary world, people would find language to unite with one another while walking around in hell.

With more stopping and going, we followed Ed into a larger dome. It reminded me of a large football arena but without stands, seats, or joyful cheer. Above us was a magnificent upside down bowl of dark rock that trickled down along the sides. There looked to be no escape. Along the sides were bright figures on small stages preaching to everyone who walked by. There were circles around many preachers and long lines of people waiting to talk with them. I couldn't understand most of the preachers but they would switch languages to appeal to whoever could understand their words.

Ed turned back to us, "These people who preach are all from different religions. They want to bring you to heaven but there are so many people here, it's impossible to include everyone. They work in every part of hell and can leave whenever they want to return to their comfortable homes in heaven."

"They are from heaven?" asked Jennifer, who looked intrigued but stunned.

"They are all who represent religion. Anyone who belongs to a religious group in heaven has the opportunity to come to hell to spread their gospel and try to convert whoever they can. What they don't tell you is how impossible it is for the average person in hell to accomplish this. I tried but got rejected many times. I thought my dad was in heaven but that was an absurd idea."

"Why did they reject you?" I asked curiously.

"They said that I didn't have a strong connection with god. They were right though. I just thought I could try to spend time with my family in heaven. That's all. They pry into your life, tell you how to live, and then relate it to how you can't get into heaven. Then, they end with some bullshit explanation as to why you're not as good as them."

"I think anyone would want to go to heaven after visiting here. I know I want to join," Jennifer said concerned.

I looked over at the preachers. Many were on stands, giving off the impression that they were selling something. The only thing they were selling was a ticket into heaven. It was challenging to find an end to the winding lines in front of the preachers that extended from the dome and into the hallways. It took patience and time to get to the front, though everyone had time.

As we passed the preachers, many had signs placed next to them. The writing was more symbolic, but I couldn't understand it. There were two individuals wearing old gowns and were trying to get the attention of anyone walking in front of them. They had stoic looks as they pointed to their sign and tried to explain their gospel. We walked up close, examining the sign. It looked like a bible verse but I couldn't understand the writing. Jennifer was confused and expected an explanation from Ed. She considered seeking my thoughts about it, but I swiftly looked down, pretending not to notice.

Ed waved them off and turned to us, "There are people in hell that have been here throughout the time man has been on earth. They are all in heaven and hell. The unfortunate souls in hell have a lot of clothing over their heads because they are so old and deteriorated; it is difficult to even define who they are. Aging is still a concern here, except it's a lot more gradual."

The two preachers quickly moved their attention to the others walking behind us after we passed them.

"We either accept to live in hell, or we get lucky and go to heaven..." Ed cut himself off.

"Since I didn't get into heaven, my sister might not have; but I'll never completely know. She's probably all alone," Jennifer said.

"You will find her, Jennifer. It takes time," Ed replied, not sounding convincing.

Jennifer sighed and then reached into her pocket for the picture of her sister.

"How big is this dome?" I asked, hoping Ed would know.

"It depends I guess. Some are vastly enormous like this one we are in; other stations can be smaller. But one thing is for sure, they have a shit-load of people and a shit-load of preachers."

We walked by more signs with preachers trying to gain our attention.

"How do you get to each station?" Jennifer asked.

"It's as easy as walking over a line. People carve numbers on the walls with whatever they have to keep track of each station. That is one thing you should pay attention to. Every station has a middle with a watch tower. Once you see a tower, you know you're in the middle of a station. When altercations occur, there will be creatures flying in and out of the towers to get that person. Think of it as their home base. I always try to find the middle because usually there is something carved on the wall with numbers or an arrow leading me in the right direction to the next place."

"Wow, so there are a lot of stations I'm guessing," Jennifer said defeated.

"Yes, but I don't know how many. I've met people who've told me ten thousand, and others say it's never ending. One thing is for sure though; it keeps increasing with size to fit more people."

"Like a big labyrinth," I chimed in.

"So it seems." Ed was thinking of my comment.

We continued walking through the groups of people and around the preachers.

Jennifer popped her head up, "Who knows though. Maybe there is a way to solve this labyrinth."

"If there is, we will spend eternity doing it," Ed replied. He moved through the crowd with Jennifer at her side and my face poking through behind the two.

After a couple more minutes of walking, we came upon two casually dressed men on a mini stage. Underneath the stage was a label that displayed a denomination of Christianity. One of the Christians was evaluating a collared woman at a table while the other was at the front of the stage preaching out to the crowd. The preacher stood tall at the edge and was reciting scripture from the bible.

"...There is a way which seemeth right unto a man, but the end thereof are the ways of death..."

We stopped to listen. The preacher was a new aged gentleman who we understood the best.

Around me were other preachers speaking different languages. I never imagined hell to be full of such diversity and limitless lines of captives waiting to speak to a spokesman from a particular religion. We continued to watch the preacher in front of us. The line to their table was at a standstill.

"...A worthless man deviseth mishchief; And in his lips there is as a scorching fire..."

Ed and Jennifer were examining the fellow who was preaching. There was something about him that made us stop and listen.

Ed sarcastically looked back at us, "Easier said than done."

"Maybe they actually have done what they are saying," replied Jennifer.

"Ha! That's some bullshit," Ed chuckled, "What do you think James? Are these guys for real?"

I replied back saying I was unsure. I was more in an aberrant state than anything else.

"You don't talk much do ya kid"

"I guess not." I confirmed his question. I didn't like to share my problems and didn't have any knowledge of what was going on.

"He's a thinker," Jennifer said coming to my defense.

Ed concluded, "That could be good. Most people here you don't want to talk with anyways."

"...A man of violence enticeth his neighbor, And leadeth him in a way that is no good..."

Ed yelled at the preachers, "You have already told me I am an unfit Christian. Why are you preaching in my direction!"

The preacher at the front of the stage ignored Ed and maintained his serious character.

"...The hoary head is a crown of glory, It shall be found in the way of righteousness..."

The man preaching almost looked robotic as he surveyed the crowd and had a glow to him that permeated through the air.

"Screw this. Let's keep going," Ed scorned.

"Do you know where we are going?" asked Jennifer.

"Not really, but we need to find the center. That's our best bet." Ed attempted to look over everyone and discovered several exits out of the dome.

"Maybe we should try to wait in line and see what happens. We might have a chance to get in..." Jennifer said with increasing confidence.

"Go ahead and try, but it's pointless. It takes forever to find the end of the line," Ed assured, "And trying to pretend to be something you're not; no thanks."

After Ed's response, Jennifer quickly let go of her idea. Looking up at the preacher, she followed Ed who was already walking away. I followed Jennifer.

"...An evil-doer giveth heed to wicked lip; and liar giveth ear to a mischievous tongue..."

A scream initiated from where we just were. The pitiful sound caused us all to turn around to see who it was. A man was crying on his knees in front of the preacher. It was difficult to see because his hair was hanging over his face. He bowed and wept with tears flooding out of his eyes.

"Please...Please! Help me! Show me mercy!" cried the man.

He crawled onto the stage and brushed his hands over the feet of the preacher. His hands went through the preacher's feet without making any physical contact. It was like the preacher was a ghost.

"What is this?" The man tried to grab the preacher's foot but he made no contact. He held up his hands, cursing at the preacher and slamming his fists into the ground. He wept with his forehead resting on the ground. He then arched his head up with tears falling off his face, "Help save my family! My kids will need you! Show them mercy! Show me mercy!"

The preacher glanced down briskly. There was a brief moment of sympathy on the preachers face. He neglected the rest of his requests and continued preaching.

"...an evil man seeketh only rebellion; Therefore a cruel messenger shall be sent against him..."

"No! I need your help!" yelled the beggar. Unexpectedly, he grabbed his collar as if something had spooked him. He started crawling backwards and stood up, trying to collect his bearings. He fixed his shirt and looked around perplexed. He wiped his tears off his face and walked away from the stand.

Ed signaled for us to follow him. He wasn't distracted by the sobbing man. "This happens all the time. People break down and then continue along their way. Being here can do that to you. The slightest sorrow can overwhelm your already stacked up brain. It seems to reset oneself to normalcy. Trust me. It happened to me"

"I've done the same thing and I have only been here for weeks," Jennifer added.

"Maybe some people abandon all hope?" I said aloud. It sounded stupid after I said it.

"Sometimes... but they always gain hope back it seems. But it's easy to become unstable without hope or someone to help you," Ed commented back.

"I'm with Ed," Jennifer said, "We need something to keep us going or else we turn into robots."

"No zombie for me," Ed replied.

"Just a thought," I said. I hated when I said something and then was unnecessarily proven wrong. I didn't want to gain hope from the help of another. I would never expect it from them or myself.

I thought about the crying man and how nobody wanted to help him. He changed his emotion very quickly. At one point he lost control—and in a second—he shrugged it off. Emotion turned into emotionless, all alone in a sea of people.

A wind blew up against our faces. High above us, giants were flying gracefully in circles with a bird's eye view surveying everyone below them. Their wings pushed the sweltering air down onto our skin.

The giants had humanlike attributes but soared like hawks ready to pounce on their prey. I suddenly grew anxious and wanted to get out of their sight.

Jennifer saw me look at the giants in the air. "Those scary things can intimidate anyone. I don't care who you are," she said trying to empathize with me, "They are nothing but tools that are told what to do. And they have all the power to do whatever they want. It's dangerous."

"You will be fine" replied Ed, "Without those beasts, this place would be a lot scarier than it is now."

We followed behind Ed to the other side of the dome. There were many entrances to new hallways on all sides of the dome. The hallways were like underground tunnels that led to more open areas with preachers and tyrannized followers wanting to get into heaven.

Ed led us into another hallway that did not have an end in sight. The walls were closer together with two distinct paths for each side to walk. Ed seemed to have picked up the pace as we walked some way into the new hallway. I liked to think Ed knew where he was leading us but I knew that was not an accurate thought. It helped my comfort level to know at the least he knew the way things worked down here.

I began feeling tired, but had no intention to close my eyes or sleep. Ahead of us the momentum of people stopped. We momentarily waited and then continued on. There always were people stopping or changing directions.

I stopped behind Ed and Jennifer again. To my right, I noticed some carvings in the wall. There were sentences I could actually read, and others were scratched out. The more I continued reading, the more I understood the unfamiliar writings.

Under the drawing of planet earth a sentence read:

Gode ofouhte oa oaet he mann geworhte ofer eoroan.

Underneath was another sentence:

It forthout him that he had made man in erthe.

Underneath this sentence was more comprehendible:

It repented the lord that he had made man on the earth

The last sentence under read:

The lord regretted having made humankind on the earth.

Generations of people throughout time have walked along these walls. History was omnipresent in hell and merged together with the changing people of today. Everyone was accustomed to their own language of their time.

I remembered when I was alive; someone had told me I was going to go to hell. Unsure of what it meant, I looked up the word at the library and found that it was the name for an 'abode of the dead.' It was also related to words 'hide' or 'conceal.' Now, the meaning had changed to a nefarious fairy tale. I was concealed in a hall in hell, but I didn't know why. Somebody knew how this all started. The carvings sent a chill down my back, especially of what was crossed out.

I looked in front of me and we were on the move again.

*

"What brings you two to hell?" asked Ed, expecting a humorous laugh from both of us.

Jennifer smiled and looked over at me, "It wasn't up to us, but I guess we were not the best of people according to god. I'd like to say that I'm an overall good person. There should be no reason why James is here too."

"Well, same here, but are you religious?" Ed asked.

"I went to church maybe once when I was a kid, but that's about it. I figure god hasn't given me much in my life to be thankful for," Jennifer said perturbed.

Her comment sparked a response from me, "I was only twenty-one when I died, so I guess I couldn't have done much to end up in hell. But I'm here and I don't have anything to be thankful for."

Ed looked over, "So you're a youngen?"

I nodded yes. Ed was expecting me to entertain him with a response but I didn't say anything.

A man walked by us yelling "Mi esposa!" and then frantically showed a black and white picture of his wife as we passed by him.

Jennifer asked Ed, "How old were you when you died?"

"Forty two years of age," he paused, "I died of cancer. You would think that I could just rest in peace afterwards."

"Well it's not your fault," Jennifer said, "Maybe this is one big test that we have to overcome."

"Wouldn't that be some cruel trick" Ed said, "And what did you die from Missy?"

Jennifer started thinking, "Well... The last thing I remember is driving home from work, and then the next minute I was being judged to get into heaven or hell."

"I remember being judged," said Ed, "The whole process is stupid. We are completely powerless."

"I know! Those people are such Assholes! I can't believe they can be so harsh to judge people the way they do. I was expecting the all mighty God to give me my judgment. Messenger of god my ass!" Jennifer complained.

"So a car crash I'm presuming?" Ed inquired.

"That would be correct," Jennifer replied, "At least it was quick and fast, and I couldn't remember much."

Ed replied, "It's better than sitting in a bed waiting to die and realizing that death could occur at any minute. But that goes without saying for everyone at anytime." Ed's body pointed in my direction "What about you James? Have a good death story?"

I didn't want to tell them the truth that I committed suicide. I couldn't really think of a good story. The first thing that came into my head immediately rushed out my lips. "Skydiving accident."

"Awesome man!" Ed yelled and then reexamined his outburst, "I mean... that's a bummer, but that's a good way to leave the planet if you know you're going to end up here."

"I guess," I smiled slightly, "Sucks that we had to come here; I would rather perish and not have to deal with any of this."

Ed agreed, "It sure is a prison here. I should know about the people that we send to prison, because I used to be a lawyer. I sent some pretty violent criminals to prison in my life, and to think that I could be walking by them at any minute is weird."

I looked over to my left at a carving on the wall with large letters that read:

Save our Souls.

I added, "Hopefully they don't notice you."

"Well if they did attack me, I'm sure those flying beasts would have something to say about that. I don't plan on fighting anybody here," Ed said.

"And you don't want to mess with those scary things," warned Jennifer.

"The whole 'losing one's face' from the collar doesn't seem the most appealing," Ed said humorously, "Hell is bad enough. It's like they are sadistically torturing people who disobey their rules. I would hate it if my face was smothered by my collar."

Jenifer looked over at me, "I'm happy to hear that your death was fast." She then looked over at Ed, "And I'm sorry for what happened to you Ed. It must be very hard to cope with all of that." She was still looking for her sister with every chance she had by studying as many faces as she could that walked by.

I wondered how long people have searched for their loved ones while in hell and if they have ever relinquished their search. I felt socially adventurous and wanted to know more about Jennifer. She had a good vibe to her. "What did you do when you were alive?"

Ed added, "Yeah, what did the all mighty Jennifer do?"

Jennifer giggled, "You probably wouldn't guess it, but I'm in show business. Actually, more like if you were to go to a strip club, you would see me there."

Ed sparked an interest, "Pole dancing eh?"

"Sure. I do a little of everything when asked, and as long as you put money on the table, I'll dance all night. It's great money when you're young," Jennifer replied, "For the time being anyways."

"I'm sure it was," Ed said smiling.

"Don't get any ideas over there," Jennifer quipped. She nudged me and called Ed out on his infantile remarks, "It looks like Ed is getting excited over there. You a regular customer?"

"I'm no stranger I have to admit," Ed said shamelessly then patted my back, "What about you James? You ever visit a strip club?"

"I did once. It's pretty expensive there," I said with disinterest.

I remember seeing many guys in there like Ed spending bundles just to get a quickie, then going home to the wife and kids. I did like watching the girls dance in front of me, though I always felt awkward. I guess Ed didn't have that awkward feeling that I carried.

Jennifer asked, "You married Ed?"

"Hell no!" Ed asserted, "Never got involved in that scene."

"I hope at least you treat women with respect," Jennifer paused not wanting to give a lecture, "At least you tipped well?"

"I'm a nice guy." Ed asserted again, "And I always tip generously."

"Good," Jennifer ended, "You can learn a lot about a man by the way they treat women at my work."

"I'm sure you can," Ed joked, "You're catering to a certain crowd though, so be careful with your judgments."

Jennifer looked over at me. "Are you a gentleman to the ladies?"

I never really had a girlfriend nor had any type of physical experience with the opposite sex. It was something that I had always dreamed about, but never had the courage to try. I remembered I had one chance but it ended up a disaster. The first time I was about to kiss a girl on the lips, we were alone in the backyard at a party. I remembered her perfume like it was still today, lingering under my nose. She looked so beautiful sitting next to me. I remember asking her 'what she was drinking.'

She smiled at me and told me the drink. She automatically picked up the awkward feeling of being alone after she had responded.

I twirled my drink anxiously. We had only talked when we were completing assignments in class. I had nothing else I could say to her that didn't have to do with math equations.

She scooted herself closer to my side. "You're a shy guy aren't you?"

I shook my head yes and just smiled back at her. My stomach started to churn and hands shook a little. I was still looking down at her drink like a moron. I finally glanced up for a slight moment to look into her eyes sparkling out like stars. Her head moved in towards mine and waited for me to inch forward. I couldn't believe she was actually trying to kiss me. I never liked looking at myself in the mirror so I didn't understand why she found my appearance attractive. I thought of my lips gently touching hers and making sensual contact; smooth and tender. My heart started pounding while my hands shook uncontrollably. It didn't matter, I was about to have a moment with a beautiful girl.

As I reeled my head in, my lips started twitching. I moved my head back trying to fix my involuntary spasms on my face. I felt like I was going to faint from embarrassment. My lips continued to squirm and eyes blinked involuntarily. All her pretty friends watched from the window inside, making our business theirs. I opened my eyes to see the girl in front of me staring at me puzzled and turned off. She was not acting drunk anymore and she had sobered up losing all motivation to kiss me. She must have been watching my face twitch uncontrollably.

Suddenly, I sneezed and splattered a mist of my saliva and beer over her face. I knew it was definitely over.

"You idiot!" screamed the girl. She scrambled to her feet and marched inside slamming the door.

When I looked back at that situation, it was probably one of the best moments of my life, until I sabotaged myself. The feeling of experiencing something new left me wanting more. The excitement to know what everyone in movies talked about was thrilling and unforgetful; but when I related it to my experience, it was pathetic and weak. When it came down to it, I knew the feeling without the experience, and I wouldn't change that feeling for anything else in the world. I felt alive. I would have liked to feel her lips against mine but the yearning to passionately kiss her was breathtaking enough.

However, after that night, my experience with women became nonexistent. It was impossible to think that an experience like that would ever happen to me again. I wouldn't allow the opportunity to present itself; too much pressure was involved.

I looked back up to Jennifer, "Sure, I'm a little shy, but I treat them with dignity." I didn't like when Jennifer pried into my personal life. I also felt uncomfortable when third parties like Ed were around.

She continued to pry "Did you have a girlfriend?"

"Not really," I replied, "How about you?"

"I did, but I suppose I'll never see him again..." Jennifer trailed off with disappointment.

"Who knows, you might find him some time in the future." I felt obligated to cheer her up but I was basically telling her that her boyfriend was going to go to hell. I hoped she didn't catch that.

Ed shrugged, "Yeah I remember having girlfriends. Waste of time if you ask me. I've been perfectly happy living on my own."

"Maybe you haven't found the right person?" Jennifer suggested.

"I don't want to find the right person, and considering our situation now, we will never have the right person at our side," Ed smirked with pessimism.

Jennifer shot back, "You sure know how to make everyone feel like shit."

Ed chuckled as Jennifer and I joined in with Ed to share a laugh. I didn't know if it was because we were helpless and didn't know what else to say about our shitty situation, or if we genuinely found it funny.

"Yeah yeah yeah... well I'm used to it," Ed said softly, "That's my job, remember?"

For the first time we all smiled together. As weird as it felt, it was good to feel a rise of enjoyment. At the least, it delayed my present dilemma that I would be here for eternity.

I looked beyond the heads and examined the different people passing me. Most were determined to find something worthy while others were chatting; mitigating the circumstances they were in hell and separated from a loved one or friend. I spotted possible Americans trotting through the commotion. For some, it must have been difficult to switch from a rich materialistic world and then go to hell to have everything disappear. For the poor, it meant more endurance of oppression. We made life such a luxury that death was never welcomed; but in the end, everyone was covered in the same filth.

Ahead of me, a hunched man with ripped jeans was holding up a piece of paper. As he approached I was able read what it displayed:

What happens to us when Jesus returns?

I thought of god and all the religions out there. I wondered if a so called God had control over us, or if it was just the way things were. I asked Jennifer and Ed, "Do you guys believe in God?" I didn't believe in anything but I hoped to receive some possible inspiration.

Ed responded, "I'd like to think so. Anyone who is good and is in control would not let this happen. Deep down inside, I know he doesn't exist."

Jennifer added, "I really want to believe. I just hope he knows that we are down here, even if he doesn't like us."

We were either forgotten or will be forgotten.

*

Ed inspected the writing along the walls, "These carvings say that we are heading in the right direction to station one-thousand two-hundred and fifty-seven. This is one of the biggest stations I have ever seen," Ed sighed, "I hate trying to find the center of the stations. Every corner is a rigorous maze."

I didn't know how long it would take to get where we needed to go but I trusted Ed. He navigated through the crowd like an animal chasing a piece of meat while Jennifer and I followed close behind. I thought of all the food that I had eaten when I was alive; and if anything edible was set in front of me, I would have devoured it. But somehow, my body kept producing energy while maintaining unfulfilled liveliness. I knew the collar was the reason why I was alive.

None of us said anything for awhile with the anticipation to arrive at the center area. I was curious to see if Ed would ever find his father or if he were to spend eternity searching the other stations. After we couldn't locate the center station, we started to find ways to pass the time.

We would occasionally converse with the people passing by; some would have questions or simply want to talk. Many had been around for hundreds to thousands of years while others were the same age as Jennifer and I. They would ask where we came from or who we were searching for. The majority of people were looking for someone close to them. It was interesting to pick up on the different dialects and languages people would use. There was a good chance if you found someone who spoke the same language and were going in the same direction, they would accompany you.

We started playing games to keep our minds off the cheerless environment that surrounded us. One of the popular games we played was _I spy_. Since there were so many different types of ethnicities and complexions of people, it became enthralling to compare them to someone that we had seen before. I tried to find people who looked like famous actors or actresses. Jennifer was very good at it while Ed was out of date. He would mention old black and white TV shows that were far too prehistoric for our time. When it came down to it, we were just pointing out different people in the crowd. If no one could guess the famous star, we usually surrendered and pointed him or her out in the crowd. It could be possible that we were actually pointing to a dead celebrity; however, popularity didn't matter anymore. Everyone was labeled as a survivor in hell, and it didn't matter if you had been rich or famous because now you were rotting alongside your biggest fan.

During one of our games, I noticed another old lady selling popsicles that I had seen earlier. A man in front of me moved to the side, clearing my view of the two old ladies with ratty clothing. They were lurking slowly from person to person attempting to barter their goods. Of all the things that would be in hell, why would popsicles be present?

They paced their way closer to us, with wrinkled faces showing fatigue. Ed navigated through them while Jennifer and I looked at the elderly women with unresolved tension for their purpose.

I remembered when I first arrived, a similar old lady offered me a popsicle that I devoured. These two ladies wore the same satchels as the previous lady and waited to dispense their savorless popsicles.

"Why are they selling popsicles?" I asked hoping to get an accurate response.

"I've seen them before" Jennifer said, "I don't have a clue. They are really spooky and have disgusting skin." Jennifer shook her body trying to get the thought of the old ladies out of her head. "Sometimes I can't believe how people look when they get old."

"You got to skip that process in your life," I said cheerfully. I didn't think my comment had helped her.

We both looked to Ed, waiting for him to respond to my question. He looked determined to find the center station that was taking a long time to find.

Jennifer asked, "You know anything about this Ed?"

Ed finally gave us his attention, "I don't know what they are about, but they are harmless. These old ladies think they are here to help. They have some connection to heaven."

"That's weird," replied Jennifer, "They don't look like they are from heaven."

Ed responded, "And they take no physical form so you can pass right through them." His voice increased with vibrancy as he walked back to the old ladies selling popsicles. We followed him through the crowd, bumping into some bodies and trying to keep up. Ed waited for us to catch up while he stood in front of one of the old ladies with his arm extended. "Check this out!" Ed's arm swung at the old lady.

"Don't!" Jennifer yelled.

I jumped back startled, waiting for a giant to pick up Ed for attacking an old lady.

Ed's hand passed through her body and then back up through her head. Ed smiled with amusement, "Pretty neat, eh?"

The old lady had no reaction to Ed and was more distracted by something else down the hallway. She walked through Ed and past Jennifer and me.

"Whoa whoa whoa" Jennifer said stunned, "How did that just happen?"

The two old ladies continued offering popsicles to everyone walking by. Most people would walk around them not knowing they were ghosts, but I could see how their looks could be deceiving.

"All I know is that she is a soul," Ed said.

We stepped to the side to watch the old ladies circle around the crowd offering their popsicles.

Ed continued, "We were given a physical body in hell to feel pain. If you're a soul like the old lady, you don't feel any of that. That's the reason everyone wants to get into heaven, because we don't suffer."

"Humans shouldn't have souls," I commented.

"That's how it is I suppose," Ed chuckled, "I never thought I had a soul but I found out I did when I died. We all think we are so special."

"Why are they old?" Jennifer interrupted.

Ed responded, "As weird as it sounds, some people like to stay looking old after they die. It constantly reminds them of their death and why they are here. I never understood it, but underneath their appearance is their naked soul. Nobody knows what a soul looks like..." Ed paused. He was trying to explain the unexplainable which normally led to a blank thought for me too.

"I had a popsicle," I confessed, "Right when I got here, I tried one."

"Plain, right?" asked Ed.

I shook my head yes.

Ed hesitated and watched the old women walk through the crowd. He forgot what he was trying to explain before. He continued, "I don't understand the point of those stupid popsicles but they tend to think that it helps us here. But I haven't found a good reason why."

"I want to try one," Jennifer said. She approached the old lady and tried to gain her attention.

Ed and I followed behind Jennifer.

Jennifer spoke up, "Excuse me but may I please have a popsicle?"

The old lady held out her delicate hand.

I whispered in Jennifer's ear, "I think you have to give her something. At least that's what happened to me. Just hold out something to exchange."

Ed grunted with discontent, "Go ahead and waste your time."

Jennifer dug her hands in her pockets.

Ed muttered to himself, "Real original. Freezing a pop drink..."

Jennifer ignored Ed's sarcasm. She pulled out what looked to be a money clip and extended it out to show it as an offering. I imagined how full that clip must have been once she got off work. I pictured Jennifer dancing with her long legs grasping a pole in front of her. She must have been a stunning display on stage.

The old lady's hand shook as she reached into her satchel. A popsicle came out as she gently placed it in Jennifer's hand.

"Here you go dear. God bless," said the old lady.

She took the money clip out of Jennifer's hand and continued on her way with her twin looking companion. They kept their ghostly qualities but looked fragile to the bone.

Jennifer examined the unwrapped popsicle as we started walking again. She licked the top, "There is nothing special about this. It has no taste to it." Jennifer looked disappointed as the popsicle began to melt in her hand.

"The same thing happened to me," I said, "It's not even cold."

"It's not!" Jennifer yelled at the popsicle.

"Everything here is so twisted," I added, trying to make her feel better.

After Jennifer was finished, she exclaimed, "It's almost like having a dream and you know you're thirsty, and you drink all the liquid you can imagine but you're never satisfied. You dream until you are under a waterfall but still need more water."

"And then you wake up to find out you're thirsty," I beat her to the punch line.

Jennifer threw the remains of the dripping popsicle onto the ground, "This sucks. We will never wake up from this nightmare called hell."

Ed was in front of us but was listening, "I always see the same old ladies everywhere. I have never understood why the fuck they can't hand out a giant pork chop or something. That's one thing I would love to have." Ed grunted and mimicked the old ladies with a terribly fake voice, "Please take our popsicles. It will be the end of our fucking miserable lives if we don't give them out."

"They do seem very determined to trade their popsicles with anybody," Jennifer said wiping her hands on her pants, "Let's not get any more popsicles again."

"I think that's a good idea," I said.

"I'm glad you two have that established," Ed said sarcastically. He stood up on his toes to survey the crowd. He had already lost interest in the mystery of the popsicle.

Jennifer asked me, "So what did you give her?"

"Give who?"

"When you got your popsicle, what did you trade the old lady?" Jennifer maintained eye contact.

I looked down at my shoes embarrassed. She was going to think I was such a dork. "A keychain," I said leaving it at that.

Jennifer dug into her pocket and grabbed out a keychain, "Here is mine. My boyfriend gave it to me."

It was a small rubber guitar that had been worn out, but was mostly red.

"Real cool," I bent the flexible guitar in my hand, pretending I was interested, and then handed it back.

"What was yours?" Jennifer asked.

I knew she was going to pry like she usually did. "It was a mushroom from the game Super Mario Bros. A friend gave it to me," I lied and remembered seeing it at a store and buying it immediately.

"Oh neat," Jennifer smiled, "That's cute. My little cousin plays that game all the time."

"It's amazing," I said awkwardly ending the conversation.

"Uh huh..." Jennifer said trailing off.

A distraction to Ed's side caught his attention. He immediately put his arms around us both maneuvering us in the direction of what he saw. "Check it out!" he blurted out.

I immediately gasped at two people having sex. The man was against the wall and the woman was straddled over him. They both wore shirts but their pants were rolled down to their ankles.

"Ew," Jennifer said grossed out.

We watched the woman thrust into him while the man had his arms hugged tight around the woman who groaned with each push of her body against him. It always shocked me to see such private acts occur in public. I felt embarrassed but curiously watched every moment that I could.

Ed started laughing, "You get that a lot here. Fucking here is useless because you can't climax and nobody gets pregnant."

"God that's disgusting," commented Jennifer, "I don't want to hear anymore."

We passed the entertaining couple behind us. The disturbing picture of two people having sex remained in my head. Every time Jennifer looked at me, I felt like she was shaming me for my devious thoughts.

Soon enough, the hallway began to widen out into another dome. We were constantly battling to see over the heads that blocked our view. The giants circling above us amplified the commotion.

"I can see the tower in the distance," Ed said, thrilled he had found what he was looking for. From far away, the tower had a dark glow that illuminated off the giant's wings fluttering in the air.

"What tower?" asked Jennifer.

"Most towers are in the middle of a dome," Ed said, "That's how everyone gets around. Each tower will have the number carved on it somewhere with directions for the next station. Don't you guys learn anything? "

"Apparently not," Jennifer replied.

I could tell that Ed had an immature side to him, but I didn't mind putting up with his obnoxiousness since he was teaching us about hell. He didn't know much but he knew enough, and for that reason, I didn't want to insult him.

A man passed by me with fake horns made of crumpled paper on his head. He was animatedly trying to impersonate a demon, but he wasn't fooling anybody.

I remembered hearing stories about the devil with horns of fire sticking out of his red skin. He would cast merciful punishments and delegate his authority to the pitiful souls working furiously below him. I couldn't think of a reason that hell would need workers, unless more space was needed. The space that we occupied was increasing every moment, since nobody died. We were like criminals, ruled incapable of living in a society in heaven. We were outcasts and separated because didn't have the same ideals as heaven. We needed to be rehabilitated and faith was the only difference between heaven and hell.

The tower protruded out from the middle of the dome, showing off its monstrosity. I was unable to distinguish the top of the tower because it went through the ceiling of the dome. Its dark walls did not permit anyone from looking through.

Most people were walking along the base with their heads tilted up examining the tower. The motion of the crowd dispersed to different sides of the tower, and the hallways that connected from the dome walls contributed to the traffic. I felt like I was on a large roundabout of people coming from every direction.

We followed Ed who stopped at the base of the tower to examine something written on the wall. I looked up, unable to see the top. It was nauseating and made me feel small and insignificant.

Jennifer interrupted my train of thought, "This has got to be the biggest building I've ever seen!"

"It's big alright. I wonder what's inside," I pondered. I pictured the devil sitting in his castle laughing at everyone as if this was all a practical joke.

"I don't think I want to know," Jennifer said convincingly.

We followed Ed around the massive concrete walls of the tower. Every block on the surface had a different complexion of darkness. From a far distance it all meshed together, however up close the tower was uniquely obscure. There was no entrance or exit to the tower which negated any sign of hospitality.

"You know," Ed said, "I was discussing with someone else at another station what was inside these towers. It's like they are keeping a watchful eye on everyone here. Not one square of ground is neglected from sight," Ed stopped his momentum which stopped us, "Have you guys ever heard of the anarchic panopticon?"

We shook our heads no. It sounded vaguely familiar when I was in class, but I was probably daydreaming my privileged time away, not thinking of any kind of future. Perhaps I should have donated more attention to everything, though it didn't matter anymore.

Ed inhaled, and then pointed at the tower, "The anarchic panopticon was an idea for supervision in prisons. The guards would post up in the middle, like this tower, and have a transparent three-sixty view of every captive in their cells. This would make observation and visibility the most effective. You know those flying man beasts? I bet they know exactly what is going on from inside their towers. They are always on watch. In prison you might get a slap on the wrist if you get in trouble. Here, it's agonizing punishment for the rest of time. The collars that we're wearing can pinpoint us from each tower in hell. We are continuously made aware that we inhabit and are moving through space under their supervision. Great determent if you ask me. Also, in hell, there are no rules for the guards; which means they can do whatever they want. If you do anything that upsets them, you will pay for it drastically."

"How can we be so cruel to each other," said Jennifer, "Punishment is so overkill here."

I shook my head agreeing with Jennifer.

Ed added, "We are still cruel to one another even after death. That's what I can't believe. Throughout history, many leaders have ruled with greed and were never successful. Something eventually breaks apart."

"I don't think I could ever participate in a revolution," claimed Jennifer

"You just haven't been pushed to the edge yet," Ed demanded.

It was scary to think that anybody could be listening to us. They had the power and were ready to stop anything that we attempted.

After a brief silence, Jennifer broke it with a playful tone, "There you go again, depressing us again."

Ed replied, "Misery loves company here."

*

"Bingo!" Ed shouted while inspecting the wall, "I know where I'm going."

"Oh good." Jennifer sounded happy for him, but her body posture showed otherwise. She bit her lip, hiding her disappointment that Ed was going to leave us.

"So what are your plans now?" Ed looked at Jennifer and me.

I waited for Jennifer to share her plans and admired the gigantic tower instead.

Jennifer responded, "Still on the search for my sister like you with your father."

Ed and Jennifer both wanted to find comfort. Ed had his dad and Jennifer had her sister to search for. Each person has that special someone they depended on. I was searching unknowingly into the abyss.

"What about you James?" asked Ed

"I dunno," I replied, not giving it much thought. I didn't want Ed to leave, but I didn't want to get in his way of him finding his dad. It seemed he was determined but worked independently. I looked down passively not wanting to stand in his way.

Ed might have sensed it, "You guys can follow me if you want, but I'm covering every piece of ground in this next station till I find my dad. I don't think you'll be up for following me around; but you'll know where I'll be. Just remember to read the walls and you can find me."

Jennifer agreed, understanding Ed's urgency to find his dad. I decided that I had three to choices. I could follow Ed around looking for his dad, follow Jennifer around looking for her sister, or wonder around aimlessly by myself. I quickly made my decision and chose to follow Jennifer, the hot stripper. I also got along with her and figured it would be better to be lost with her, than by myself. She hadn't passed any judgment on me so far, which I admired.

I didn't want to tell Ed I'd rather stay with Jennifer. Instead, I reached out my hand and shook his hand to wish him a safe trip and then stepped back to Jennifer's side.

Jennifer gave him a hug with a kiss on the cheek. "Take care Ed."

"Stay strong and hopeful. It's the only way to get by," Ed said shifting his eyes to Jennifer, then me.

"You too," replied Jennifer.

"Bye," I waved my hand at Ed.

We watched Ed become a blur into the crowd of people. For some reason, I was going to miss Ed even though I didn't say much to him. His cynical attitude was entertaining to listen to, which fueled my own dispirited personality.

Jennifer sighed, "So what are your plans now?"

Same answer as before, "I dunno, I guess I can help you more to find your sister." Perhaps I could think of Jennifer's sister as my own sister to help motivate me. I had nothing else to do.

"Oh goody!" she clapped with a smile, "I was hoping you would say that."

I looked into the distance where Ed had disappeared.

"It's good to meet people like Ed," Jennifer said, "It gives me hope that I'm not the only one looking for someone. There are so much people here and it can get overwhelming."

"Sure can," I replied, "Ed was a good guy."

"I hope he finds his dad," Jennifer said tenderly. She looked around hesitant of what to do next.

"Which way do you want to go?" I asked.

"That's a good question," replied Jennifer indecisively.

Our decision-maker, Ed had left. I was no good at taking control and assumed Jennifer wasn't either. I continued to stay infatuated with the tower and postponed my decision to be made. I looked at some writings on the wall, trying to find some answers.

"There are so many different options available," Jennifer said.

I finally tried to take control. "Let's check out this area first. Maybe take a lap around the tower before we make a decision."

"Good idea," agreed Jennifer.

We walked side by side, inspecting the spectacle of a tower, still unable to find an entrance. There was an abundance of people sitting alongside the tower. They reminded me of homeless people who didn't have anywhere to go but found a temporary place near the sidewalk or park bench to pass the time. Jennifer grabbed her sister's picture from her pocket and began showing it to everyone walking by. It became a routine for her.

After a walk around the tower we decided to take a seat at the base. I felt tired, but couldn't make myself fall asleep. There was something in the collar that supplied my body with everlasting inertia to continue on without needing rest. We sat down looking away from the tower and leaned our backs against the wall. Jennifer held the picture of her sister between her legs. I watched her gaze at the picture until she lost interest.

I sat with my legs in a pretzel realizing that I had gained a friend with little effort involved. Now that I was alone with Jennifer, I wanted to get to know her better, without a third party interfering. I was always more successful at building familiarity with someone alone, especially when we had something in common or were working towards a common goal. It forced me to talk even though I didn't like to.

Jennifer and I talked about our families and how we grew up. I asked her how she became a stripper and what her parents thought of her exotic dancing. She grew up in a normal family and nothing about her was dysfunctional. I didn't think she enjoyed her job, but she always reverted back to the constant intake of cash every time I questioned the exposure of her job. Her occupation was appealing despite the mortification it gave me.

Jennifer's family was perfect compared to my shattered family. I told her about my dad who left my mom to care for me when I was born. They had religious beliefs that I have never understood because I never wanted to. I was always able to sneak to a library or watch TV when they weren't home. Books and television showed me the world I was missing. While Jennifer listened, she showed great compassion for my misfortune. I had never told anybody about my past because I always thought of it as whining.

At an early age, I started to become distant from my mom since she wanted something different for me. She soon decided to move out of state with some guy she had been seeing for over five years. I was young when I told her I didn't want to go with her, so I ran away elsewhere. After I separated from her completely, I started contemplating suicide and planned a way to meet my demise. It soon became apparent that I had no one to look after me. Not knowing where else to turn, I ended up in foster families. I was then told by the authorities that I had to attend school; so I went to school occasionally. In high school, I had countless absences but still passed since I liked reading. Everyone thought I had abandonment issues because I didn't feel attached to anyone. I wanted to live in peace but there was always someone new who seemed disturbed my solitude. I went from living with foster families to living in halfway houses as I grew older. I never made a true friend, and my life was purposefully spent to be in solitude. I would go to the library during the day to keep myself busy and then go to sleep early to avoid conversation with strangers. Every night at the halfway house, I slept on the top bunk over some bum under me either messed up on drugs or trying to detox as they waited for their next inevitable downfall. Sometimes they would jerk off while I tried to sleep; that just pissed me off and was evidently awkward.

I never got in a fight or argued with anyone. The only violent act I had ever committed was killing myself. It took me years to kill myself, but with persistence, I finally got it right. I was definitely an outlier contrary to the statistical evidence of males being more successful than females who took longer to commit suicide. I always envied the lucky and motivated sons of bitches that were successful at first try. My death was not gracious and was filled with repeated failure. I had thought about it excessively with anticipation until it became a reality.

I was happy I had the opportunity to share my past with Jennifer but never told her about my suicide. It was out of the question to tell her, and I couldn't take back what I had said earlier about my fake sky diving accident. She would perceive me differently if she knew the truth.

I liked Jennifer though. I would miss her if she left me. I dismissed the thought that she could ever love me as a boyfriend, but I did accept the fact that she could love me like a brother.

How sweet Jennifer was.

*

A low chuckle came from a slouched man sitting to my side. A cloth shielded his lower face. Above, his watchful eyes moved back and forth, revealing the bloodstained veins around his pupils. I listened to his grunts and heavy breathing that seemed to drone out everything else that was occurring around me. He looked to be in his thirties, but I remembered age was deceiving in hell. He wore a stained shirt with ripped pants. His teeth were crooked and falling out, and his long gray hair was intertwined behind his shirt.

He cleared his throat and then reverted to his heavy breathing, "What's the name of the miss you are with?"

His chilling voice coiled down my spine. He reminded me of the drug users that came into the halfway house, except he had a malicious tone. I didn't want to talk to the man, so I turned my back on him and faced Jennifer.

"Hey you," said the man relentlessly, "What's her name?"

I remained silent as I glanced at him from the side but didn't acknowledge his presence. Jennifer was now aware of what was happening. His deathly stare was focused on Jennifer and me. I wanted to tell him to go away but was afraid he would have a strong retaliation.

The man reached out his hand and touched my shoulder. My body immediately tensed up and moved away.

"Her name is Betty," I lied with anger and then moved closer to Jennifer who gave me the same concerned look. I remembered Betty was an overweight nanny who volunteered at the halfway house. She always told me that I needed to change the way I lived, instead of asking me what I needed. She probably felt satisfied once she had given her unneeded advice to an inattentive suicidal boy. That egoistic bitch would probably go to heaven just because she was conscientious of her own self deserved fortune.

The man continued to be a nuisance, "That's a fine name there."

Jennifer quickly pulled me off the wall and around a group of people to the other side of the tower. We stopped walking once the man was no longer in our sight.

"There are so many crazy people here," Jennifer said bitterly.

"Too many," I replied.

"We need to decide where to go next."

I agreed but did not give her any suggestions.

The man appeared from around the group of people and walked in our direction, with his eyes still deadlocked on us. I felt the instinct of fight or flight. Before I acted on anything, Jennifer stood up and yelled at him, "What the hell do you want?"

I stood up beside her. She had clearly taken the dominant role of the two of us. She said it with stillness in her voice, but sounded stern.

He chuckled again creating that deep low sound from the back of his throat, "We've been following you. We've noticed how flush your skin is." He kept his eyes on both of us as he staggered forward. "My companion here says that your blood is a potent virtue," he continued forward, "You can tell a lot about an individual once you relish in their blood."

"This guy is fucking nuts," I said to Jennifer. I thought I had problems.

"What is he doing?" Jennifer asked ignoring my comment.

"I don't know," I replied.

The man stuck his hands in the pockets of his dirty black jacket and struggled to pull something out. He then stopped and whispered to his side and laughed, "I agree. An appetite really starts to thrive inside you."

"Who is he talking to?" Jennifer whispered to me. She was pulling on my shirt nervously.

A threatening presence existed between us and the man, but his invisible companion he continued to acknowledge distracted him from advancing any more forward. He would constantly look to his side as if he was carrying on a normal conversation with someone who was not there. People like this man in hell have had an eternity to dwell on their problems and critique their own fetishes. With enough time, the fetish devoured the person.

Jennifer clenched onto my arm yelling at the man, "Keep your distance!"

The man remained where he was; satisfied that he had our attention. He must have been following us for some time. Our dreadful dilemma was that there was no way to hide or fight someone off in hell. We were stuck with that person, unless we were able to convince him to leave, or if the giants caught him.

I tried to embrace the situation and held in my instinct to run. I didn't want to attract attention to myself. "Who is your companion?" I asked warily.

"Funny you should ask," he replied. His constant talking to himself was unsettling. "He is kind of shy and doesn't get along others. His name is Ralph." The man mumbled to his side and waited, "Ralph says—"

"Why are you following us?" Jennifer interrupted.

He twitched his head. "Curiosity maybe. I made a bet with Ralph that I knew your weight. I guessed one-hundred and twenty-five pounds, but he said that wasn't true because you have such a slender physique. But there is no way you could be under because of your height and contributing weight of your top heavy bosom." He smiled pretending to share a moment with his imaginary companion.

"If I tell you will you go away?" asked Jennifer anxiously.

The scary man thought about what Jennifer said and then started shaking his head as if he was listening to his imaginary companion. He looked back to us, "I would be well inclined to but Ralph says that if you told us, you might lie and we would leave with an unsatisfactory feeling that it could not be true. If you desire, we can find another way to settle this dispute."

"How would this be settled?" I asked

"A sample of blood would do the trick," he pulled out a dull razor blade, "We will know everything about you with a taste of blood." He started to breathe heavy again as he took the blade and scraped it across the inside of his forearm. A slice of blood oozed from his skin.

"Let's get away from this asshole!" Jennifer pulled my arm, "Come on James."

The man started talking to himself again as we were leaving. Making the both of us jump, he suddenly yelled, "No! We are not going to tell them the way out! I can't believe you would even think of something like that. No! I don't believe you!" The man continued to argue with himself.

I stopped, "You know a way out of here?"

He looked up at both of us, ashamed of what he just said, "I don't, but the Ralph does."

"Great," I said to myself sarcastically.

Jennifer's grip tightened on my arm. She had perked up from his comment as well. "How do we get out of here?" She was still holding on to me. I felt more powerful when she thought I was capable of protecting her, when I clearly wasn't. I caught a glimpse of the man's cut arms. There were old and fresh wounds all over his visible skin.

"There is a way... Ralph knows that for sure, but we do require compensation." He held out the razor in Jennifer's direction.

"How do we know if you're lying? You could be making this all up." Jennifer did not flinch.

"I asked that same question to you. The only problem is can we trust each other? I want your blood and you want to get out of hell. We will tell you all you need to know," bargained the man.

"You will tell the truth, right?" Jennifer asked.

"I would like to think so," the man said, "We have much information here if you would like. Why is this troubling you? For it will only cost you a sample of blood?"

Jennifer looked over at me, "I don't know what this guy is gonna do."

I replied to Jennifer, "If he attacks us, those giants will save us. And you can't die from a bit of blood. I can give him my blood if you want but I think he wants yours. It's up to you." I watched her contemplate everything in her head.

Jennifer sighed and looked at the man, "Ok, if we do this, you will tell me how to get out of here first, and then I will give you some of my blood. Agreed?"

The man looked over at his imaginary companion and started to shake his head while listening. It was quiet for a half a minute. His attention then focused back onto us. "Ralph says we will tell you how after you give us blood. Ralph here has much information. You should trust him."

"What else does he know?" I said with curiosity.

The man chuckled again, "Why don't you ask him."

He was crazy but I wanted to see how he would react to me talking to his imaginary friend. "Um... Ralph? If we were to leave this place, how would we go about doing it?" I was hesitant to look to the side of the man where his imaginary friend was. I looked down at the ground instead.

The man replied for Ralph, "It has something to do with this tower here in front of us. I cannot tell you anything else. Ralph wants the sample of blood. I have to agree with him."

"Fine," Jennifer said. She swung her arm out in front of her and with her fingernail, made an incision. Her arm was shaking as she forced her fingernail into her skin.

The man's face changed to delight with a vast smile. The heavy breathing commenced.

Jennifer grimaced while she dug into her arm. She took a deep breath and poured it into her other hand. She dropped as much blood as she could into her cupped hand. She had quite a bit of blood accumulating.

The man extended his hand, waiting for Jennifer's blood. Jennifer forced herself forward and dripped it into the man's hand. He licked his lips as he watched her drip it into his hands. He then took the blood and smeared it over his face.

We watched the man become aroused with Jennifer's blood. His heavy breathing was filled with eroticism and his eyes lifted with delight.

"Ok you got what you wanted, now tell us what you know," Jennifer said impatiently. She didn't let him bask in it for long. She had held up her side of the bargain and wanted reciprocity.

"Tell us," I chimed in.

He wiped his hand slowly over his face once more with a cleansed look and mumbled for a while to Ralph. Another deep breath as he exhaled, "We are happy to tell you what we know."

"You better," Jennifer replied.

With the blood over his face he pointed up, "You see that tower? Follow that to the top and it will take you to heaven."

"How do we get up there?" Jennifer asked.

"We do not know," said the man enjoying his blood bath.

"You told us you knew a way out!" Jennifer screamed, feeling betrayed.

"We do," he replied, "We just don't know how to get out." The demented man got what he wanted.

"So you tricked us! You still have not answered our question," Jennifer continued with a loud tone.

He was still enjoying the blood over his face. He savored the remains of the blood on his hand and wiped it on his neck. "We simply told you a way out of here. There is not only a top, but there is a bottom as well. Ralph has convinced me to visit the bottom of the tower also."

"What's down there?" I asked
"All the ones who misbehave in hell. We have spent our time in the depths of hell with blankets over our faces, unable to see and breathe. You haven't been tortured until this has happened to you. We took the razor blade and cut the blanket off our head. It causes great pain," the man said, licking his lips.

"Why would you do such a thing and risk spending time in the depths of hell?" Jennifer asked

"Because Ralph said that it is better feel pain than to not fell anything at all. I tried to tell him it wasn't worth it. We found our way back and out from the depths of hell. We marched along with the other trapped bodies which gave us a chance to sample blood. They could not see me cut into them. They could not fight me either. We got free blood when we wanted. If you kill me you can visit the bottom tower too."

"Why would we do that?" asked Jennifer. She was ready to leave but remained planted to the ground.

"Because we did it. Attacking, killing, or anything destructive will send you to the depths with a blanket over your head. It will give you access to the bottom tower. Why not do what I did?"

"But we want to go up!" said Jennifer.

"We all want to go up," he said, "I suggest you get in line with the heaven people and repent. Most people are stuck down here like me. We lack something that we will never achieve. Looks like you two might be like me and stuck here forever."

"Come on, let's leave this guy," said Jennifer.

"Wait," said the sickly man. He started mumbling again to himself again, "Reincarnation is always an idea. All religions are quite different and have their own ways of living."

Jennifer huffed and turned back with me, "What do you mean?"

"Well, think about it. Don't you remember how many beliefs were out there when you were alive on earth? They are all still available to you here. Go out and find them. Theists, non theists, monotheists, polytheists..." The blood started drying up on his face. He had no intention to remove it. "Find the ones where you can reincarnate. You may not like what you become once you are on earth, but it might be better than here as you so boldly think. It will at least delay your present moment with eternity. " He shook his head agreeing with himself.

"What if we just want to die out," I responded.

"That's impossible," he replied, then raised an eyebrow to me, "Looks like religious thought will never give you meaning in your life." The man started mumbling to Ralph, "Ah... yes, that's true." He looked back over, "Ralph has known people who have died out."

"How?" I asked.

"I can't believe we are still listening to this guy," said Jennifer impatiently.

The man extended out his hand with the razor inside, "Donate your blood to me and we will tell you." He began mumbling again.

"God dammit!" Jennifer yelled, "He's just going to give you a bunch of worthless information."

"If you want to know how to rid yourself for good, you will want to listen. It has something to do with your collar," the blood hungry man said.

Unsure of what to do, I looked into his desperate eyes briefly. This man, this sadist, this masochist, or whatever he was, clearly was going to spend all eternity looking for victims to donate blood to him. I almost felt sorry for him. I wanted to hear what he had to say regardless of his blurred answers.

I grabbed the razor and dug it into my arm. Blood began to seep out. I scooped it from my opposite hand and dropped it onto his palm. I handed him the disgusting razor in the other hand.

He took my blood and smeared it over his face exactly how he did it with Jennifer's blood. His heavy breathing ensued. For the second time, Jennifer and I had to watch him get off on our blood. His tongue curled out and licked the blood around his mouth. His breathing calmed as Jennifer and I awkwardly waited for him to regain his composure.

"So?" I said anxiously.

"Just tell him you freak. We need to go," Jennifer finally said.

"Don't be so quick to judge. An act such as mine can be evaluated from many different points of view. You might call me a freak, while another might call me an artist."

He looked over at me now, "Why do you think we can't die here?"

"These collars?" I replied with uncertainty.

"Yes, but think of it as a trap for your confined soul. Now, imagine if you could somehow take off the collar and die? Would you like that?" he questioned.

"Well sorta." I tried not to sound suicidal enough so Jennifer did not detect it. "So you're saying that if I can somehow rip this off, my soul will be free?"

"Precisely," the man said.

Jennifer looked concerned, "Let's not think of this just yet..."

"Cutting it off is half the fun," the man said maliciously. He stopped and listened to Ralph. The man mumbled back and turned to us, "Ralph said it might be possible that you will end back in hell though. It can be a vicious cycle."

"So there was no point to killing myself?" I paused to think, "Have you seen this happen before?"

"Yes we have seen it with our own eyes. The only difference is that Ralph believes that you will just receive a new collar in hell. I would have to agree with him."

"So we can't die," I said with disappointment.

The man smiled in satisfaction that he had our blood on his face.

"This is ridiculous," said Jennifer, "Well, good luck to you and your friend." She yanked my arm and pulled me with her. I resisted slightly but decided I didn't want to separate from her and be alone with the blood thirsty man. We walked away from him while he continued to mumble to Ralph. I looked back and noticed he was still playing with our blood on his face. I wondered how long he had been in hell scheming for ways to get blood with his imaginary friend.

He shouted from behind us, "Your oppression will strengthen your bravery!" He then staggered into the crowd mumbling to Ralph.

"Can you believe that guy?" Jennifer said disgruntled, "There are people all around us like him."

"I don't know if he was harmless or not," I said, "At first he was intimidating, but now that we talked to him, he just seems like a crazy guy who likes blood."

"He's dangerous and crazy," Jennifer replied.

"At least we're given assurance that if we were attacked by anyone, it would be stopped right away by the flying giants patrolling hell," I said with unresolved comfort.

Jennifer continued pulling me through the crowd, "Let's just create some distance from him and hope he doesn't follow us."

I began toying with my collar, trying to detect different ways for it to come off. It was sturdy and a lot of force was needed to rip it off. It would be nice break it off, but I knew I was stuck with it. Everyone was stuck with it, including the blood deprived man.

Jennifer let go of my arm, dug through her pocket, and took out the photo of her sister. She started going through her routine of showing the photo to everyone who walked near us. I admired her determination to find her sister, but it was becoming annoying to me that I had to be next to her when she was showing off the picture.

We were out of sight from the blood thirsty man who got his fix from us. I thought of what he screamed to me, 'Your oppression will strengthen your bravery.' I remembered people telling me witty quotes all the time, though in spite of them I never listened, and since I defied inspiration, rarely did I remember them coming true. I never talked much, but I did observe conversation. I determined that much of language was but a cover up of our real intentions. If quotes helped motivate people, that was terrific, but I hadn't discovered anything that had helped motivate me. It seemed everyone was always struggling to find their place in life, and their dreams were hanging on the scenery around them passing light into elation, which then conceded to mental masturbation.

But then sometimes there is purpose to what is said and it compels me take a step back from my life. That was what his simple quote did; it sunk into me and put everything into focus.

I needed to get out of here.

*

I looked down at my cut arm that had healed rather quickly. The collars we wore had a sense of sorcery that conserved life. The pain from hunger and lack of sleep tortured me the most, and though it put me at brink of insanity, nothing fatal ever happened, so I continued on diseased and full of torment.

I sat along the side of the enormous tower while Jennifer was within distance showing pictures of her sister to people passing her by. I watched her disperse her efforts to each person that came close to her. I hadn't seen the delirious man from earlier anywhere around us. Talking to him had exhausted my thinking and made me feel defeated.

Giants would occasionally fly in and out of the few openings of the tower. Landing pads extended out from the walls that I wanted to climb, but there was no way up from the ground. I followed the tower up with my eyes until I could no longer see it; the height of it was unknown. It was like an elevator that went high into the sky and continued into the clouds.

I pictured the delirious bloodthirsty man lurking in the depths of hell, ripping off his skin-covered mask that was laminated around his face. He had survived the dreaded skin mask that everyone feared. I remembered Ed saying there was no escape from the depths of hell once you had the skin mask. It was questionable of who to believe.

I noticed Jennifer was talking to a couple. One was a man about the same height as Jennifer, and he was holding the hand of a slightly smaller and skinnier woman. They both looked like they were tourists. They had on colorful shorts that stood out from the ordinary. The man was wearing a loose t-shirt and the woman was wearing a tank top. Everyone was laughing together and getting along.

Jennifer pointed in my direction and soon enough, they started to walk over. I knew Jennifer had told them about me, so I waited for their arrival by starring at the floor. I could hear them continuing to engage in conversation while I pretended not to notice until they addressed me.

I heard Jennifer's voice in front of me, "James, I want you to meet Jason and Elizabeth. They have been walking through a lot of stations together trying to map everything out."

"Nice to meet you," greeted Jason. He had shorter hair but it was thick.

I shook his hand.

Elizabeth followed after Jason, "Pleasure." Her light hair grew past her shoulders and tranquil face made me forget I was in a stressful environment.

"Hi, I'm James. Any luck with the mapping of hell?"

They both smiled with color in their eyes that hid energy behind them. Jason spoke up, "Not much so far. We're always lost, but we mark the side of the walls with our own symbol to let ourselves know if we had passed by. It gives us some direction."

Jennifer seemed more energized than usual, "Guess what? They both arrived in hell in separate stations and were able to find each other. Isn't that sweet?" She made a loving sigh of admiration for the couple.

I understood the appeal Jason and Elizabeth had on Jennifer. It was refreshing to see happiness prevailing. However, I still couldn't understood romance or how a person could fall in love. "How did you guys find one another in this massive place?" I asked.

They looked at each other and grinned, while Jennifer emulated the two.

Elizabeth spoke up, "Well, after being here for awhile, the only help with direction you can find are the numbers on the wall. It just so happened we traveled to station number one-thousand nine-hundred and thirty-two, the year we were married. We both keep a wedding photo with us." She flipped it out and it had the date _1932_ written on it, "When we got here, I was only a couple stations away, and Jason was a bit further away. I waited for him for some time at that station. It was such a relief to find him... Better late than ever he was."

"You know exactly how I work," Jason replied, "Pretty terrible they had the nerves to separate us."

"It gives me chills to think that I was lost in an unknown world without him," added Elizabeth. She brushed her hair with her hand, using it as a comb.

Jason tipped his head to Jennifer and I, "Were do you two know each other from?"

Jennifer answered, "We actually met here a while back in another station. James decided to help me find my sister. It's been good to have company here that isn't insane." Jennifer let out a sigh of relief and then grinned afterwards.

I looked above me momentarily to see a giant fly out of the building above us. Nobody else noticed.

"That's very nice of you to help her out," Elizabeth said.

I nodded with a smile. When I thought about it, I hadn't helped Jennifer find her sister at all.

"Tell James where you two are going," Jennifer prompted the couple.

I couldn't think of anywhere to go in hell. Everywhere I walked was the same terrible space that stretched out endlessly with billions of trapped people.

Jason didn't wait for my response, "We've been exploring a lot, and we've decided that we're gonna travel inward to the beginning. The numbers on the walls increase as it expands. But as we travel in, the numbers get smaller. We are on route, as best as possible, to find the number one station."

"Interesting," I said, slightly bothered they had thought about it before I had. It made sense there would be a first station. Jason and Elizabeth made it seem like they were on a treasure hunt. It fascinated me how happy people could be even when they were dealt a shitty hand. "What do you think you will find?"

"I don't know," Jason said, "I was hoping to find the beginning of hell. There has got to be evidence of creation or some explanation on how to get out of hell."

"Now Jason", Elizabeth rubbed his shoulder, "You remember what we talked about, right?"

"Yes I remember," Jason replied softly, "We will right after we figure everything out."

"What's that?" asked Jennifer.

Elizabeth started, "We promised that we would convert to a religion so we can leave this terrible place. Although it is tough to pick a religion to live by for eternity, we feel we don't have any other choice."

Jason continued, "There are a lot of religions out there so we decided we would take our time and pick one that didn't bother us too much. I say we follow with what my parents did."

"But you don't know if they are in heaven. And your dad still hates me," Elizabeth replied.

"Ha! Unfortunately still to this day," Jason confirmed.

"So if the number one station cannot be found, you two will try for heaven?" I asked.

"We will find the first station. I'm sure of it. And afterwards we will try for heaven," Jason replied.

Elizabeth followed, "He's very ambitious. Jason's father helped finish the transcontinental railroad. And Jason helped the postal service distribute their mail by air. It's in his family's genes to explore and travel."

"How bold," Jennifer replied. Jennifer was hesitant with her next words, creating an obvious pause. She then displayed a look of frustration and let out a deep breath.

"What is it dear?" inquired Elizabeth.

"Do you mind if we tag along? We won't get in your way?" asked Jennifer.

I had just been volunteered by Jennifer to join their company. I became embarrassed whenever she incorporated me in with her motives. She just wanted to find a destination as much as I did.

"I don't see any problem in that," Elizabeth said, "The more the merrier." She looked to Jason who agreed to the notion.

Jennifer asked, "So whatta ya say James?"

All eyes were on me. I nodded, "Sounds good to me."

"Alright then! C'mon! What are we waiting for?" Jason said enthusiastically.

I enjoyed the optimism Jason and Elizabeth maintained. They had a mentality for non-defeat and the glass was always half full. We started walking with Jason and Elizabeth leading the way. Jennifer and I were much better off when we had someone to follow.

Jennifer asked, "So counting earth days and hell days, how old are you two?"

Jason chuckled, "Well..." He looked to be doing math in his head. It had never crossed his mind.

Elizabeth cut in, "He would be one-hundred and twelve years old and I would be one-hundred and ten."

"Exactly what she said," Jason agreed, "Now you two don't seem to be that old I'm guessing? You two don't have the mature poise that us folks have."

Jennifer stated, "I'm twenty-five and James is twenty-one. We both died out from unfortunate accidents."

Elizabeth gasped, "Oh I'm so sorry to hear that. This must have been hard for you."

Jason joined in, "Well, at least you didn't get to see your skin wrinkle up or have a disease to deal with."

"I guess we will never know what it's like to grow old," I said.

"Not much but a lot of health issues," complained Jason.

"If you don't mind me asking, how did you two die?" asked Elizabeth. She seemed concerned for Jennifer and me in a maternal manner.

Jennifer informed Jason and Elizabeth that our deaths were intense but without suffer. The idea my alleged sky diving accident left them puzzled but curious. I could tell Jason wanted to know more about skydiving, but he decided not to pry. Elizabeth's overall state was confused when Jennifer talked about the most recent developments of our century and the pop culture involved. I was curious to know what they would think of Jennifer's past profession of being a stripper. I remembered old fashioned people could be easily offended by certain things. I wasn't going to bring it up unless Jennifer did.

"You mentioned that you guys lived to old age?" Jennifer asked.

"Disease, and well... It's a long story, so maybe we'll tell you another time. But we lived a very long and prosperous life," replied Elizabeth

"There's a story full of tragedy for each individual here," sighed Jennifer. I didn't want to upset the cheery mood they were in so I didn't ask further about their deaths, and neither did Jennifer.

A screaming man ran through the crowd in the opposite direction. He swept by us quickly making us cognizant of him momentarily.

Jason changed the subject, "Let me see that picture of your sister again, just in case if I see her,"

Jennifer extended it out to Jason and Elizabeth.

"She's is mighty pretty like you. We will keep our eyes peeled," Jason assured her.

"Thank you," replied Jennifer. She was thankful that she found Jason and Elizabeth. They were kind and conversation with them was bearable.

I felt like I was part of a team now. Jason and Elizabeth were searching for the foundation of hell while Jennifer was searching for the whereabouts of her sister. Although I didn't have much to search for, I pretended I was part of the mystery. The best part was that I could participate with little effort.

Jason told us about his days with the airport service and its beginning of air mail. Jason started out with the postal service driving cars. After talking with some friends who were pilots, he became curious with flight and travel. After some years with the postal service, he decided to try his luck with flying planes. During his transition, the airmail service just took over the U.S. Army Air Service before he joined. With little experience in flying, it was hard for him to start, but after airmail started to be used for civilian purposes, and less army, he gained more flight experience and started blossoming with his work.

I explained to him the idea behind skydiving. Jason was astounded as to why somebody would jump out of a plane for fun. When Jason jumped out, it meant emergency. He described his emergency landings and how he was forced to land his plane onto open areas a few times. When Jason was in the air, the parachute was still evolving and had many failed attempts. Jason was told by the veteran flyers that if they were going to crash, they either had to crash the plane, jump out in a free fall, or shoot themselves. Not the best thing to go through your head when taking off. As parachutes became more popular and testing was more successful, there were still many deaths among the pilots. Deaths slowly decreased among pilots in the later years, and when Jason was offered a parachute, he still did not trust the device. That was one thing that would relieve Jason, was to jump out of a plane with assurance.

Jason asked only a few questions about me, which I liked. I enjoyed his flying stories and the animation he put into it. He told me how they could not transport anything obscene or indecent. Although Jason never admitted to it, he told me about some of his friends who would drink and fly. They would rummage through the cargo and sometimes find alcohol that was hidden; they might have also taken a few swigs from their own secret stash. It seemed they drank even more when prohibition was present; but Jason caught the tail end of that when he started flying full time. It was amazing how much illegal actions occurred under our eyes and we didn't even know about it until something happened. Jason and I made a pact that if we had other lives, we would go skydiving together. I agreed, though it would be my first time skydiving.

Jennifer would add to some of our conversations when she could. She talked mainly with Elizabeth and discussed with her about the times that she and Jason first met. Elizabeth worked as a nurse and was conveniently placed where the postal workers went to get checked out regularly. Before Jason's flying days, he was on delivery and was attacked by one of the neighbor's dog. It was normally pent up behind a fence, but had somehow escaped through the gate. It eyed Jason and ran after him with a ghastly snarl. Jason ran to his car and jumped inside, but before closing the door, the dog bit him on his leg and then rear. He slammed the door on the dog's head as it relentlessly kept a grip on him tightly. Finally, after bashing its head and kicking it with his opposite foot that wasn't being attacked, the dog whimpered off behind its compounds.

Elizabeth told the story, "The first time I saw Jason, I got to know him real well."

Elizabeth entered the doctor's office with Jason lying face down. She asked Jason to pull down his ripped pants to examine the wound. He obeyed and gingerly pulled down his pants. After a strenuous thirty minutes of treatment, Jason was able to stand to his feet, finally facing Elizabeth.

"I'm glad you finally got to meet my other side," Jason kidded. He then changed his manner to serious. "I would feel more like a gentleman if I could take you out to dinner."

Elizabeth giggled, "Where would a gentleman like you take a gal like me?" She was obviously interested and liked his charm even though she had spent the past half hour stitching him up.

Jason grabbed a life saver from his pocket and handed it to Elizabeth, "Have you tried these before? It's new and has a sweetness that's irresistible."

She took one from his hand and placed it in her mouth. She enjoyed the taste and smiled again. "We will see."

Jason gently grabbed her hand to kiss it, and limped out the door. As he went down the hallway, Elizabeth stepped out of the room to watch him. She smiled and then carried on with her work.

After work, Elizabeth stepped outside and noticed Jason standing on the sidewalk holding flowers. He was at the bottom of the stairs as she walked down. She was shocked that he had waited for her. He handed her the flowers and took her hand...

"And from then on out, it's all history," Elizabeth said with a smile.

Jennifer was mesmerized with their stories of love and passion. It also gave Jennifer something else to think of instead of her present reality. I started to realize the value of company. I always spent my life ignored or wanting to be ignored. It was hard to change the person I was, especially since I relied on myself.

What seemed to be days later, I was talking with Jason about guns and how they had changed. I had never liked guns, but it was fun to update Jason on developments and social changes since he was alive.

His words slipped out, "A gun was the final punch that ended our lives..."

After asking him what had happened, he finally opened up to tell me.

"What had happened was Elizabeth had something wrong in her brain that the doctors couldn't fix. We heard now-a-days that it was a cancer or tumor. But anyways, she was getting pretty miserable and I didn't know what to do. We were already at an old age and our kids were grown up. They were still around, but living their own lives. One day it just got so bad that we discussed other options to end her pain. Elizabeth brought up the idea of assisted death or suicide. I rejected the idea quickly but it also terrified me that she screamed in pain every night. After awhile, it came to the point where she was unable to walk. Finally, she begged that we do something about it. After crying so hard, I took out one of my guns and shot that brain tumor cancer to smithereens. It disheartened me so much that it came down to that. Half of me wanted to pull the trigger and the other half didn't. It was her final convincing and begging that made me do it. I've never seen her in so much pain. After it was all over, I couldn't bear of what I saw before me, so I went back into my room, reached into my drawer, and got another bullet. I went back into the barn with my sobbing face and pulled the trigger on myself. In the end, we got judged and were sent here, but we are fortunate to be together again."

I could tell that Elizabeth and Jennifer were listening as well. There was a moment of silence between us. Jason had committed the same act of suicide that I had, but his was far nobler than mine.

Their story reminded me of Romeo and Juliet but for an old couple. I knew they genuinely enjoyed each other's company, without lust or selfishness. I pictured all the married people I saw on earth, and people in relationships, and wondered how many of them would still be together in hell, or heaven. Even though I had never experienced love, I had admired and lustfully thought of women I had seen or talked to. I always watched people go in and out of relationships and then move on to their next infatuation without trying to make something out of it. I wanted to know if Romeo and Juliet would have ended up like Jason and Elizabeth, or if their love would diminish like so many clenching their loved one until they crumpled into sand. They would then return back to the shoreline ready to be swept away again.

True love was Jason and Elizabeth who withheld the ebb and flow of time together.

*

We were all looking over Jason's shoulder who was inspecting the writing on the wall. His hands were close by his sides as he drew his head forward, studying any details he may have missed. Jason was a great navigator, better than Ed, and we were making excellent progress going from one station to the next. Thus far, Jason had been accurate with his predictions of where to go, with the assistance of Elizabeth.

"What do you think of this?" he asked.

"Oh heavens that's scary," commented Elizabeth.

The drawing on the wall was of a skeleton on a horse. It held a sphere in its hand and was pointing in the direction ahead, ready to lead an army into battle. Its angular feet dangled at the side of the horse.

"What station are we in now?" I asked.

"Nine hundred and eighty seven," Jason replied. He ran his hands over the drawing, trying to analyze it. "These drawings must lead somewhere important. They're pointing us in the right direction, so we're gonna follow it."

"I'm hoping you don't get us into too much trouble," said Elizabeth.

"Nonsense. When have I ever..." Jason stopped and chuckled, "I'll be on my best behavior."

"I'm sure you will be," Elizabeth replied holding her grin.

"Let's hope the next station brings us some luck," Jason commented. I could tell that he enjoyed gambling.

"We don't need luck," Elizabeth said bravely.

"Then our probability is high for something good to happen," Jason replied optimistically.

I watched Jennifer hold up the picture of her sister to strangers. She worked diligently trying to get a response from anyone.

"Let's get some ground covered," Jason said," Station nine-hundred and eighty-six coming right up."

I tapped Jennifer on the shoulder who was not paying attention to us. She quickly returned to my side with Jason and Elizabeth in front of us. She put her picture back in her pocket. "We leaving already?" she asked me.

"Yep."

Each station we progressed through had a monumental tower in the middle that kept a watchful eye on everyone. Whenever I saw a tower, I knew we were in the middle of the station. However, the further we voyaged in, the more the towers decreased with size.

We tried to ask people for directions who didn't look threatening, but most of them were lost and confused like we were. Many spat out a language we couldn't comprehend. Jason disliked getting sucked into misinterpretation battles with unfamiliar people who gave him the same puzzling face, which resulted in a frustrated altercation by the both of them. After one gave up, they continued on like nothing had happened.

Before taking a step forward, I felt a flick on my side upper arm. I ignored it at first, but then it happened again. I looked behind me to see a man in a tank-top shirt flexing his arm in an L-shape. He obviously knew that he had just flicked me but he didn't seem to care.

I turned back around, following the three in front of me, and tried to ignore the pesky man. Again, I felt a flick on my side and turned around to see the man yank his arm back and return to a posture of him flexing his arm. I gave him an irritated look and continued ignoring him.

I tapped Jennifer on the shoulder, "Hey, this guy keeps hitting—"

Another flick hit my side just in time for Jennifer to catch what was happening.

"Hey," I said weakly, "Cut it out."

"Hey! Knock it off!" Jennifer came to the rescue. Her outburst had also alerted Jason and Elizabeth that something was developing.

The annoying man immediately neglected our concern and flicked me on the chest again. The flicks started hurting, even though I was a real pansy. I always thought that the opposing person could hurt me a lot more than I ever could hurt them and was scared that they would continue to beat me while I helplessly fell onto the ground. However, I already knew I was never going to get in a fight.

Somebody bumped into me quickly and reached down into my pockets. The fast figure pivoted around me and sprinted off with my wallet.

"Hey!" I yelled with distress.

The man who had flicked me ran behind his friend who had stolen my wallet. Out of impulse, I started to run after the two men while keeping a close eye on them. The two men zigzagged through the crowd making it easy for me to pursue them because of the openings they had created. I saw the man in the tank-top ahead of me, but his friend was nowhere in sight. He looked behind himself to catch a glimpse of me but then spun around a few bodies while gaining some distance.

I didn't know what I was going to do if I caught up to them.

I was abruptly stopped by a large body that I tried to maneuver around, but I was fenced off by more people stepping in front of me. I stepped back and walked around them, only to have lost sight of the fleeing robbers who stole my wallet. I didn't know who I was looking for anymore. I was about to turn back until I saw the man who flicked me leaning against the wall. His tank-top shirt gave him away.

I approached him timidly, "What do you think you are doing?"

He flicked me a little harder with force, almost like a punch. He held his stupid squinted face like a primordial dipshit.

"Really?" I said aggravated, "You're just going to be an asshole then?" I turned around looking for my friends. They were nowhere to be seen.

The man hit my shoulder with greater force. This time it _was_ a punch.

"What the hell!" I growled, "Stop!"

He was now flexing both his arms.

A strong presence suddenly existed behind me. A fist struck the back of my head and my body smacked the ground with my head immediately following. My sight and peripheral vision combined into blurriness followed by blinking spots which made it difficult to determine what was real. The cold ground shivered through my skin helping me regain my focus. I could only see feet shuffling past me.

I should have just let them run off with my wallet.

I ascended to my knees not knowing if I was going to be hit over the head again or not. The two men who plotted the scheme stood in front of me no longer focusing their attention my way, yet they looked alarmed. I tried to concentrate on their stunned faces to keep my head from spinning.

A strong wind rustled my hair and my clothes. Everyone around me braced themselves, like a helicopter was about to land over them. The man who had attacked me attempted to escape from what was above him, but the ground began to vibrate, creating an uproar from the crowd.

A giant crashed onto the ground and grabbed the neck of the man who had stolen my wallet. The giant raised him into the air with one arm. The crowd immediately formed a circle around the giant and his new captive. I fell onto the ground and struggled to get out of sight.

I scooted backwards and kept an eye on the giant's rugged face. Its forehead was enormous and it breathed like a monster through its spiky teeth. The veins on the giant's wings were popping out like nervures on leaves.

The giant grabbed the man with its hand and sealed a tight grip over his face. It then dug its fingernails into his head. He screamed furiously as blood dripped down his face. I pushed my back up against the wall, feeling much safer with everyone's feet surrounding me.

The man continued to shriek as he held onto my wallet in his hand. To my side was the same man in the tank-top who had flicked me. He was now crying out loud. He paused when he noticed me next to him but quickly resumed crying and started to nudge his shoulder next to mine. I quickly pushed him away.

The giant swung the man around and started tinkering with his collar. It intensified the horror of the captive as he squirmed his arms around effortlessly, unable to fight back. The collar initiated and the skin-like wrapping inched up to his lips. His shrieking slowly decreased to moaning as if someone put a hand over his mouth. The giant configured the collar once more and shackled his hands and feet together with chains. The collar cased over his eyes and slowly continued to the top of his head. I could see the outline of his mouth opening and nose protruding out.

The wings twitched from the giant and knees bent for a jump. Its arms were held tightly to its side while grasping onto the chains. The giant lifted off into the air while holding the moaning captive. As the giant flew away, the terrifying moaning sound waned in the distance.

A few people began to casually walk past me like nothing had happened. The feet around me broke apart, leaving me sitting next to the annoying flicking man in the tank top shirt who got me into this mess. I gazed into his eyes quickly without him noticing me. He clearly looked like an idiot. He didn't flick me or flex his muscles anymore, and his blank stare left him motionless. I wondered if he was a mute.

I stood up to get a view of where I was and couldn't see Jennifer, Jason, or Elizabeth, and didn't want to lose the fellowship I had gained with them.

The scared mute man remained against the wall. I wanted to kick him in the face for disturbing my progress. Instead, I said, "Fuck you," and walked away.

Anxiously, I started running against the crowd to return to where I last saw my friends. They were probably looking for me as well and I didn't think they would leave without searching for me. Fear began to set in. "Jason!" I yelled, "Jennifer!" I passed a group of uniformed men who stared at me conspicuously. "Where are they?" I had the same lost feeling from when I first entered hell, except now, I had friends.

I accidentally bumped into a few people and said 'sorry,' not knowing if they understood me. I noticed a long brunette haired girl in front of me looked similar to Jennifer. I passed a few people to get ahead and grabbed her shoulder. She turned around and her face came into view; it was not Jennifer. She had a well defined chin with puffy cheeks and spoke some angry dialect that I didn't understand.

"Sorry," I said embarrassed and continued my search.

I then heard a familiar voice behind me. "Why are you harassing people?" Behind me, Jennifer stood with her arms crossed. Jason and Elizabeth were catching up from behind her.

The girl in front of me gave me an odd look as I pointed at Jennifer and smiled. She shrugged, then turned back around and continued walking.

"I'm sorry." I didn't know what else to say.

Jennifer ran up and gave me an unexpected hug. Her arms embraced me, which caused me to relax my muscles until she released her arms. Jason and Elizabeth smiled and commented to each other while giggling.

"Well," Jason said, "No more chasing after random people, James. We don't want you to get lost."

We moved with the flow of traffic to avoid confrontation. "I don't know why I chased after those people," I said frustrated with myself.

"Who the hell were they?" asked Jennifer.

"I dunno. They took my wallet and then they punched me in the back of the head," I said and brushed off whatever was on my pants.

"I'm glad we found you quickly," Elizabeth said relieved.

"A giant took one of them away and scared off the other," I said.

I could tell Jennifer felt uneasy, "Those creatures freak me out. They could've taken you at any moment."

"But they didn't," I replied.

Jason added, "It's best to be passive with everybody. But it's important to use your head when you negotiate. Whoever is bothering you will get what they deserve. There is a keen eye on everyone here."

I thought about how I could have handled myself differently. Jason's insight made me realize the reason why I ran after the two men was because I didn't know how to communicate well.

Jason continued, "I remember a couple of incidents we were attacked. Sometimes there are no other options and you have to wait for help. I tried to protect Elizabeth and I took a beating on my back before they were swooped up by those flying creatures."

"At least your collar healed your back," Elizabeth said.

"Those collars heal everything on you," Jennifer said.

"Another lesson learned," said Elizabeth, "That will not happen again. Right James?" She sounded like a mother directing her son.

"Yes maim," I replied, feeling like I had been shamed. I was relieved that everyone didn't forget about me. When Jennifer hugged me, I didn't want her to let go of me, and felt comfortably wrapped in her arms. I suppressed my feelings for her and walked alongside her with Jason and Elizabeth in front of us. I had a sense of belonging with these people, like friends I never had. With them, I felt more adventurous, courageous, and full of emotion. I hid it pretty well but I could feel my blood stir.

The girl who I mistook for Jennifer was still in front of us and continued to look back at me. Perhaps she thought I was going to tap her on the shoulder again. Jennifer was grooming herself and studying Jason and Elizabeth who were holding hands. With finesse, Jennifer slid her hand through her hair and then wiped something onto her shirt. I watched her press her hair behind her ear which gave her a different look. She glanced over my way, leaving me abashed.

Jennifer broke the awkward silence with a playful expression, "So superman? Did you save any old ladies from their purses being snatched?"

"Ha ha ha," I replied with dullness, "The only thing I did was watch my attacker cower to a giant as it took him away. I told the other weirdo 'fuck you.'"I felt proud I had squeezed in my own verbal justice to the man even though he probably didn't understand me.

"You showed them," Jennifer laughed.

"I hate to say it but if I wouldn't have been protected by that giant I would have got my ass kicked." I showed Jennifer the bump on the back of my head.

She looked shocked, "Oh that looks like it hurts." She started rubbing it gently. I immediately enjoyed her hand as it caressed my head.

Jason noticed the attention applied to my head, "That's a nice lump you got on your head."

"I should be fine," I said, "The collar should heal it quickly." I wondered how many people had got hurt, cut, or even severely injured. The collar repaired everything and anything wrong with you, with the exception of physiological damage.

Shortly later, we came upon another open dome with a tower uprooted from the middle. Although the towers were still a big size, they were gradually becoming smaller as we continued inwards. Also, the build of the tower had more wear and tear than the previous ones we had visited.

As we walked closer in, a skinny man stood alone and created attention to whoever would listen to him. He was clenching something in his hand and motioned for us to come closer. We walked behind Jason who cautiously approached him. I wanted to ignore the man but he made it an initiative to meet us. Jason did not grant his attention.

The skinny man held out his hands in a closed fist to our direction. "Trade?" he asked. He was bald but had long hair from what remained

"What could you possibly have that is ever so important for us?" Jason asked warily.

He opened his fists and inside of them were two gooey eyeballs. The man quickly closed them sealing the potency of his precious cargo.

I surprisingly was not disgusted but could hear Jennifer gasp. Jason did not react or display any facial expression for the man.

There was something odd about the man's eyes. They were not symmetrical or normal enough to be on a human face. It was almost like he had two lazy bug eyes that were too far apart. I didn't know what he was focusing on or how I was supposed to look at him.

Jason followed with another question, "Why would we want those?"

The skinny man replied, "These are special eyes. They can see beyond these walls."

"Why would I want someone else's eyes?" Jason asked modestly.

Elizabeth and Jennifer looked like they wanted to leave. I was still dumbfounded from the man's face. He reminded me of a fish.

"Observe," he replied quickly. The man blinked before he opened his eyes wide. He wiggled his fingers like a doctor putting on a glove and then dug into his eye sockets. After scooping his eyeballs out, he rolled them into his pocket. He took his other set of eyes and moved them in from of his cratered face. His eyebrows raised high as he pushed his eyes in and moved them around until he felt comfortable enough to release his hands from his face.

The man's pupils were looking in opposite directions. "I trade you?" he bargained, "The walls are transparent with my eyes—"

Jason interrupted, "Not all of us like to pull out our eyes."

Jason grabbed Elizabeth's hand as Jennifer and I followed behind with haste.

The man yelled as we walked away from him, "Don't miss out on a great opportunity to escape the realms of hell."

Jennifer snickered, "We've heard that one before."

The man quickly began to create conversation with others.

"What is wrong with people down here?" asked Elizabeth.

"Some people got to find a way to entertain themselves, even if that means ripping out their eyes," said Jason, "It sure is gross though."

"I don't trust anyone down here," said Jennifer.

"You shouldn't," replied Elizabeth.

"Okey-dokey," said Jason, "Let go down this way." Jason was always prepared to continue onward, but I didn't mind; it got things moving.

I saw another sketch on the wall pointing us in the direction we were walking. It was the same valiant drawing of the skeleton riding a horse.

"Why does hell have to be like this?" Elizabeth asked Jason.

"We will find a way out of here," assured Jason. He comforted Elizabeth on the shoulder and kissed her on the cheek. "Everything is going to be fine. Not everything is bad here."

"We meet more of the bad ones it seems," she replied.

Jason hugged her, "Remember talking to the fellow who was blind on earth but could then see in hell? Imagine how shocking it would be to see death in hell without seeing life on earth."

"At least he can see now... To get around that is," said Jennifer. She was listening in on their conversation.

Elizabeth was still bothered, "It would be better to be blind on earth than to see in hell."

"I would say so," replied Jason, "Imagine your first time seeing the world, only to be stuck in a claustrophobic space full of people. All the beautiful things on earth have never been seen except for what the mind pictures. The only thing inside your mind's eye would be the beauty of your imagination. Then you fall into hell and all those images in your head shatter to smithereens."

"I'm sure those memories were close to his heart," replied Elizabeth.

Jennifer looked at me as if she was trying to force me to speak out what I was thinking.

"What?" I squeaked.

I could tell she was still stressed out about her sister. She was having no luck in finding her.

"You remember that man saying how it was possible to kill yourself down here? Do you think you would just start over in hell again?" Jennifer asked

I replied, "I'm thinking yes. There is nowhere else to go. I mean... What would be the point?" I noticed I had rendered suicide inconsequential.

"Either that or our body would heal itself like the cuts and bruises we have now. We might not be able to die," I suggested. I rubbed my head not feeling a bump any more.

"I think it would be pointless too," Jennifer said, convincing herself it was a bad idea.

"Maybe we could talk to some of those angels or bible people to see if we could get into heaven," I said with little enthusiasm.

"I bet my sister is there the more I think about it," Jennifer said shaking her head.

"She might be." I couldn't see myself talking to an angel or someone like Rick again, and then have to readjust my attitude just to follow the teachings of God. But I would do anything to be saved at this point. "Maybe we can all go wait in line together once Jason and Elizabeth find what they are looking for?"

"Hopefully it won't take that much longer," replied Jennifer.

Jason and Elizabeth continued to lead the way, immersed in their own conversation about blind people. The center stations we walked through decreased with size and on each wall was a drawing of a skeleton leading us to the next station. I contemplated if following a skeleton on a horse to the beginning of hell was a good idea.

I thought about taking a leap of faith out of desperation to save myself from hell like so many people waiting in line were doing. I couldn't hold onto my beliefs forever because it would keep me anchored in the pits of hell. The thought of separating from my collar was liberating but I knew it would be impossible to gain freedom through faith. It made me think of a stubborn tail on a gecko. When it feared for its life, the gecko swiftly severed its tail and departed, leaving it as a diversion for its attacker. Over time, the tail would grow back on the gecko, but the disconnected tail was sacrificed. It was amazing how something could be alive and moving even after it was disconnected. It eventually died, but for those few seconds to minutes, it was still temporarily working on the inside, fighting to stay alive. Like the tail of the gecko, I was fighting to stay alive. Now, the collar trapped my life inside me with no privilege to die out.

There had to be an eventual end; but without a beginning, there was no end. All things considered, eternity was something difficult to grasp, and I still couldn't absorb the phenomenon into my brain.

My hand swept and touched Jennifer's hand. I separated my distance from her feeling embarrassed. She smiled making me feel more uncomfortable.

I decided it would take an eternity for me to gain some guts.

*

"This place is stupid; it makes no sense," complained Jennifer.

I laughed to show some sympathy but didn't want to aggravate her more than she already was.

Jason and Elizabeth led us into a dome filled with preachers standing tall on small stages over the captives waiting in line. The walls were covered with new writings over old writings, making it look like a collage of different symbols. Many captives would occasionally stop to read the wall, causing everyone behind them to walk around. Many wrote while they were standing in line, reciting what they were going to say to the heavenly souls. Some were veiled individuals that ominously blended in amidst the other bodies.

"Oh look," said Jennifer sarcastically, "More angels failing to get people into heaven." It seemed like something was bothering her, though I hadn't initiated conversation with her for awhile. If I knew how to help her, I would have, but I was not wired to understand people.

Jason and Elizabeth stopped in front of us. Jason looked back, "Let's check out and see what's around here. Maybe we can get some ideas."

Elizabeth shook her head in agreement. "Good idea. We might find something beneficial." She looked over at Jennifer sensing something was wrong. "Angels or not, we gotta go along with it."

Jennifer shriveled her nose and then harrumphed at Elizabeth's comment.

"You never know when these gatherings of religions come up. Best take advantage while we can," Jason suggested.

"As long as we don't wait in line," Elizabeth said, but somehow knew it was inevitable.

"Let's take a gander," replied Jason.

We followed Jason and Elizabeth out into a cluster of people elbow to elbow waiting in line; some huddled around the preachers. Noise penetrated throughout the dome and collaborated into a roar of jargon. I watched everyone focus their attention on the transparent angel preaching; some captives yelled with discontent while others seemed civilized and calm. Many were scouting through like us, searching for a religion to gain access into an unknown paradise.

Jason started, "Too bad there isn't a way to see god for yourself without this whole process of waiting in line. And even after waiting, we don't know if we'll actually talk with god. Instead, we are judged by some chump with a bible in his hand."

I remembered asking the same question when I was being judged. It always made me feel good to find out that I had the same frustration as someone else.

"Maybe because God doesn't care about us," Jennifer smirked.

"Could be," Jason put his hand on Jennifer's shoulder, "But throughout history, people have denied God's existence just based on the fact they have not seen him. It also depends if you are fighting with faith yourself. Many people believed in mysticism and were highly spiritual within themselves, rather through others. Some have faith of God, others have faith within, and others have no faith at all. It is challenging to leave here if you have little faith."

"And a lot of the times faith can change depending on the person, whether they lose it or gain it," Elizabeth added and then looked at Jason amusingly, "I hope you don't give out one of your lectures or else we will be stuck down here forever."

"Of course not dear. Remember we both are going to find a religion that is suitable for the both of us," Jason kissed Elizabeth on the cheek and said softly, "We have to find faith too."

"So why do you think we can't talk with the all mighty then?" Jennifer blurted out, "Is he or she too busy?"

"We can only hope to see his grand design when we are beside him in heaven. So far I'm very pessimistic to think he knows what he's doing," said Jason.

Jennifer sneered with agreement.

Jason continued to look around, attempting to find preachers to understand. Some of the heavenly souls rarely spoke at all, only speaking with persons individually. Experiencing hell seemed to antagonize one's thoughts and views of god. Disrespect and resentment was shown from everyone stuck in hell. They had no loyalty in the system but had to play along with the game to achieve salvation.

"Look at that," Jason said, "Nuns."

We stopped to look at the two nuns hunched over conversing with each other. A line of anxious captives waited in front on the nuns. Many prayed on their knees with their eyes closed.

"There are many different kinds of nuns. Monks too," said Elizabeth, "They are all the same though."

"I'm guessing they are Christian nuns," Jason presumed.

"Why does it matter?" asked Jennifer.

"I don't know."

There were several of the same religions with different ideologies, depending on the generation of time. I wondered how people handled changes when they were already accustomed to their own outdated doctrine. Many wrote the year next to the religion to separate it for the different generations seeking heavenly status.

Behind the preachers were stacks of transparent bibles in many languages of different centuries. The captives reading them were not allowed to take the bible with them once they were finished. They would beg for mercy to the heavenly souls and then pray for admittance once they finished their session. After looking at all the different teachings, I began to see the different ways one could obtain heavenly status and enlightenment. None of the religious souls acknowledged the other nor preached together.

Two suited men with badges were standing across from us. Soon, two more joined, making it four. They chattered for a while and the first two walked away and through everybody waiting in line. A few captives tried to get their attention but were unsuccessful. They continued into the walls of the dome and disappeared.

"Must be a shift change," observed Jason.

The new suited gentlemen started talking with whoever was next in the disorganized line.

Elizabeth and Jason stopped and began to talk amongst themselves. It was like they were searching for their retirement together.

"We've seen them change out all the time. It's like a regular work schedule for them," said Elizabeth.

A woman's scream initiated behind us.

"What's going on over there?" asked Jason. He motioned for us to step away from the line of people that were behind us.

A man and a woman were arguing loudly in the line. I realized that Jason was trying to protect us by pulling us away from the dispute that had escalated quickly. The female's voice cried out again, creating discomfort among the crowd that waited in line for the preachers. The angry man was forcing himself into the line with resistance from the woman.

Jennifer tensed up and inched towards me.

The man was relentlessly fighting for his place in line, and each time he stepped in, the woman tried to push him back out. Everyone who was waiting behind were shouting and waving their arms to help support the lady. She was putting up a fight, but in her eyes she was helpless. He then shoved her with all his power into the people waiting behind her. They caught the lady so she didn't fall on her face. Two men from further back walked with purpose towards the impolite man. They started pushing him out of the line and yelling at him.

"People can get pretty uptight," Jason spoke out to us, "We best be moving away."

We followed Jason as he grabbed our shoulders with a tight grip. Elizabeth was pulling Jason's arm with her while Jennifer was holding onto my wrist. We stayed together but walked away quickly to avoid the dispute.

A warm breeze blew against my face as the familiar sound of wings intensified above us. I knew the giants were thrashing through the air and heading in our direction.

"Let's move it!" Jason yelled.

A giant crashed onto the ground behind us. We felt the impact, but were still moving away from the commotion. We turned around momentarily to watch the dispute. Jennifer's hands wrapped tighter around my wrist, but I didn't grab onto her. Jason and Elizabeth's hands were still locked tight.

"Somebody is in big trouble," Jason said eerily.

The giant walked between the woman and the man who had originally bickered and exchanged shoves. The man was on his knees looking at the ground while the lady was slowly backing off into the crowd. The man instantly broke into tears. Everyone in the closest proximity had their eyes on the man as the giant grunted its potent breath over him.

"Come on now," said Jason, "We better keep moving."

"This is so scary," exclaimed Jennifer. She forced her eyes shut.

The giant's wings twitched as it stared at the weeping man praying for his life. The beast prepared for departure and heaved its body upwards. It soared into the distance and circled around another area in the dome.

The man who was crying on his knees gratefully gazed up with surprise. He expressed something on his face that I had never seen before on anybody. His disheartened helplessness transformed into an unintentional smile and his crying into a pathetic laugh. He was on the brink of meeting the giant face to face and then was saved from its tyranny.

Jennifer was shaking her head with disappointment, unaware that the man had been spared.

"It's over," I told Jennifer.

"Why are we living in fear of those creatures," Jennifer said. She looked like a mess, but she was still attractive. Jason and Elizabeth were already on the search again for different religions in the area.

"I don't know," I replied, "There's nothing we can do about it."

"There should be something we can do."

"We need to be careful," I tried to calm Jennifer down.

"It's not fair."

"Nothing is," I replied. I was incapable of making people feel good about themselves. I didn't know how to distort a realistic problem into a comforting context. How did I nicely state that giant avatars were flying above us and they had potential to take us away?

Jennifer stopped me, "Oh! She looks like my sister." Jennifer paused for a brief moment. I searched into the crowd without knowing who to look for.

"Nevermind," Jennifer muttered.

We resumed walking behind Jason and Elizabeth. Both of them would occasionally look back at us to make sure we were close behind.

Jennifer let out a sob. I could tell see she was having a little trouble breathing.

"Are you ok?" I asked.

She continued to make snivels with her nose. "No I am not." She sniffed again and lifted her hands over her face. Her sobbing escalated into erratic breathing. I gingerly placed my hand on her shoulder, hoping it would help calm her down. Once she felt my hand, she broke out crying and her face turned red with tears falling from her eyes.

Jason and Elizabeth turned around in response to Jennifer's loud shrieks. My hand stayed on her shoulder, not knowing how else to show comfort. I felt like I should rub her hair or pat her back, but that seemed weird.

"I don't know what to do! I can't find my sister! Jennifer yelped, "We are stuck here forever!"

"It's... its ok," I said with little assurance.

"No! No it's not! We don't know what to do!" Her crying constricted her breathing.

"I mean... It should be ok," I repeated.

Elizabeth swooped into the rescue. She put her arms around Jennifer and cradled the back of her head. My hand was still placed on Jennifer's shoulder.

"We just have to get through this, we will do it together," Elizabeth said calmly. Her method was more effective than my attempt to comfort her.

Jennifer cried in Elizabeth's arms as Jason stood over the both of them and put his hand on Jennifer's head. He rubbed her head then released his hand. I copied Jason by releasing my hand so I didn't have to be involved.

Jennifer kept repeating her sister's name Amber. She was tremendously upset that she had killed her sister in a car crash. Elizabeth swayed her back and forth, caressing Jennifer in her arms, and talked with a sense of calmness in her voice. I could tell that it was helping Jennifer calm down.

Jennifer's crying waned into muffled sobbing as her and Elizabeth sat down together. Jason and I were standing over them. Jason said aloud, "This is absolutely normal. We all have to cry sometimes to gain some sanity."

I nodded my head. People passed by as we stood around Elizabeth holding Jennifer as she slowly recovered. I knew something was bothering Jennifer ever since we entered the dome. She looked occupied with an exuberant overflow of pain and regret.

Jason put his hand on Jennifer again who was still wrapped in Elizabeth's arms. Jason cleared his throat and announced, "How are we feeling?"

Elizabeth replied, "We are better. Just a fork in the path. Right Jennifer?"

Jennifer sniffled and caught her breath, "Yes..."

"We make it even worse if we root ourselves into the ground and then give up," Jason suggested, "Let's get up now."

Jennifer tilted her head up and reached out for Jason's hand. She stood up to her feet and wiped her face with her shirt. Jason helped Elizabeth up next. Jennifer adjusted her shoulders and then brushed whatever dirt was on her knees. She looked disoriented but still was beautiful, so I gave her a smile.

"Sorry, I just felt overwhelmed and just don't know what to do," Jennifer said. She cleared her tears from her face and moved any hair that was over her eyes.

Elizabeth replied, "We all feel that way sweetheart. And like Jason said, we have to get up and continue on. That's the best we can do."

Jennifer nodded. She attempted to restore her hair back to normal.

Witnessing Elizabeth and Jason handle Jennifer's breakdown impressed me. They were a good team. Perhaps it was the first time I had seen how to handle an unstable situation. I didn't know what I would have done if I were by myself.

Elizabeth gave another rub on Jennifer's back. "We'll get through this."

"I can't believe how we are always separated from family. It's so cruel," she said regaining her composure. Her face was still flushed with redness.

"It'll get better," Jason said.

"It will," I chimed in.

"We'll continue the search for your sister."

"Ok then," Jennifer said with improved resolution, "I don't know what else I would do without you guys. Being alone would be terrifying. Thank you." She sniffed her nose.

"You're welcome dear," replied Elizabeth.

"You see Jennifer, it's already getting easier," Jason said with joy, "You met James, then us, and now we can search for your sister together."

"I hope so," said Jennifer.

Elizabeth smiled, "We'll find her." Elizabeth put her arm around Jennifer's waist as we started walking.

We passed through more lines of people who all had their own idea of how they were going to enter heaven. Jason and Elizabeth's search for an afterlife was put on hold since they had promised Jennifer they would help her find her sister. We followed Jason who led us into another hallway while Elizabeth stayed with Jennifer and rubbed her back to help her maintain the improved state she was in. I smiled at Jennifer when I had the chance to show that I cared.

We finally entered through a hallway with Jason in front of us, Elizabeth and Jennifer in the middle, and me in the back. I felt honored to have met Jason and Elizabeth. They always helped and never tried to gain anything for their own self-worth. I couldn't see either of them having a breakdown like Jennifer did. Jennifer was friendly but didn't have the qualities that Jason and Elizabeth had. They had acquired a rare quality of assurance in hell that most people didn't have.

I enjoyed looking up to them.

*

I shook my dead watch that was wrapped around my wrist; its insignificance reminded me of an old broken time-piece. My hands returned to my pockets and shuffled the quarters and keys that remained. I didn't have much use for anything I possessed, but they signified what little memories I had left. I continued to fumble around with the change and keys in my pocket as I walked alongside Jennifer, Jason, and Elizabeth. After Jennifer's breakdown, she slowly reclaimed her sanity by talking to us, mostly to Jason and Elizabeth. She was no longer showing her sister's picture out to people, but still looked observant to find her.

It seemed like years since I had arrived in hell, but I knew it hadn't been that long. In life, I was acclimated to a calendar that helped me revolve around time, which gave me structure. Knowing the sun and the moon were going to rise, the seasons change, and the clouds move through the sky were now in the past. We were locked in a warm and muggy basement with no light shining in on us. Nothing was familiar in hell, and the unknown stretch of time left me clueless.

"Tower four-hundred and one," cheered Jason, "We are getting closer."

"The good news is that everything is getting smaller and closer together," said Elizabeth.

We came up to another center building that resembled a castle rather than a tower we were used to seeing. The castle still made its presence known but it didn't compare to the enormous size of the previous towers. The more progress we made in, the older everything got; like the buildings were evolving backwards into history.

Although the sun was not over us, there was light in Jennifer's eyes. She was more involved and looked to have embraced her situation and followed by example from Jason and Elizabeth.

"This is kind of exciting we are going to the first station," Jennifer said.

"It sure is," I replied, "We might find something down here." I didn't know what.

We stopped along the castle as Jason and Elizabeth inspected the castle wall. I heard Jason make a joke and then Elizabeth respond with laughter, but I didn't hear the punch-line. I continued shuffling my possessions in my pockets.

"What do you got in there?" Jennifer asked.

"Just some change," I said casually.

I took a quarter out of my pocket. It was an older quarter, but Washington's brave face was still visible. I flipped it up in the air and caught it on its way down.

Jennifer leaned against the wall and spoke up, "Heads we get out of here and tails we stay."

I grasped the quarter in my hand and then twirled it into my fingers, "A fifty-fifty chance. I always trusted the tails side more. How about tails we get out and heads we stay?"

"Sure thing," she smiled, "But it's your fault if we lose now."

"I'm fine with that," I replied. I set the quarter on top of my thumb and flicked it up. As it made its way down, I swiped it up and closed my hand. Jennifer stepped in closer waiting for me to foretell our destiny. I slammed it on top of my opposite hand and then gave it a few moments of suspense, "And the winner is..."

I lifted my hand to reveal what luck the coin had brought us.

"Tails!" Jennifer cheered, "Now if we can just find the exit."

I looked around as if a door had magically opened for us. I imagined exiting hell with Jennifer and walking back to life on earth.

"Now it's your turn," insisted Jennifer.

I looked down at the quarter and thought about the last time I ate. Finally I suggested, "Tails we will get to eat a meal again and heads we don't."

"Ok then," Jennifer didn't seem as entertained as her first suggestion.

I flipped the coin higher this time and caught it to the side awkwardly. I slammed it on my opposite hand and then released my palm to reveal Washington's head.

"We can't have everything," Jennifer professed, "Ok how about tails we get to see the ocean, heads we see the desert."

I acknowledged Jennifer and prepared to launch my coin. "I'm sure these assholes in the castle haven't seen either." We both looked up the castle wall for a moment, and then I sent the coin up adjacent to the castle. As it reached its peak, a hand reached out and snagged it. In a split of a second, the quarter had disappeared into the castle.

"What the hell," I said inspecting the upper wall with my eyes.

Jennifer looked frightened, "What was that?"

"Umm... It looked like a hand with disgusting nails grabbing my quarter?" I continued to check over the walls from different angles and noticed a slit in the wall from where the hand had come out. It wasn't wide but was big enough to spy through with the naked eye, and possibly stick a hand through. More openings were spaced out along the building, but no bigger than the last.

I moved to the side, bumping into Jennifer. "Sorry..."

Jennifer did not take notice, "What do you think is on the inside?"

"I don't know," I said curiously. I took out the remaining two quarters from my pocket. I put one back in my pocket and the other in launching position over my hand. I was determined to see if this was to happen again.

Jennifer noticed my intention, "What are you doing?"

"Just checking something." I flicked the quarter high into the air again making it zoom by the same slit in the wall. It reached its peak and fell back down along the side of the castle wall. I lunged forward unable to catch the quarter before it hit the ground.

Jason and Elizabeth were looking at me confused as I chased after the coin rolling on the ground.

"Careful," Jennifer alerted.

"One more try," I said picking up the quarter. I tossed it high into the air with greater force. It zoomed past the slit on its way up. The quarter reached its peak and started to decline. As it dropped back down, a hand quickly came out and snagged it.

"Whoa!" I said with astonishment. I could see something stir from the inside, but then the movement stopped, instantly making it look vacant again.

I sparked the interest of Jason and Elizabeth who were no longer focused on reading the wall. "What are you doing over there?" asked Jason.

"Something is behind the wall," replied Jennifer.

"Of course there is. Its them creatures. Best be leaving them alone," warned Elizabeth.

I took out my last quarter and began to twirl it with my fingers. I didn't have any use for it, so I pretended to not hear Elizabeth and tossed the quarter up into the same area as before. The quarter flew pass the slit in the wall, and in a quick instant, the same ugly hand came out and grabbed it, then retreated instantly.

"There goes my change," I said, curious to discover what was behind the wall.

"Hopefully you made a wish," Jennifer said, "Because we'll never get to see if we are going to the beach."

"I think that thing in the castle said no," I replied.

Jason and Elizabeth had found someone to talk with while I was tossing my quarters to the beast inside the castle. Elizabeth waved her hand at me impatiently and turned her back to talk with Jason. Jason would point his hand up at the wall and then wait for a response from their new acquaintance whose hair consumed most of his face. Jennifer continued to inspect the slits along the wall. I followed behind her along the side while staying in sight of Jason and Elizabeth. We were like curious children striving to see inside the castle.

"How do you build all of this?" asked Jennifer.

"When you have a lot of time, I guess you can get anything done," I replied.

We changed our direction back towards Jason and Elizabeth and tried to look into each slit in the castle. There were no signs of hospitality, but I could feel a close eye on us.

Our childish investigation was interrupted by Jason and Elizabeth calling us over. Walking side by side, I noticed how Jennifer moved with style and provocatively swayed her hips. I didn't know much about strip clubs, but I imagined that was how she walked when she was on stage.

"We are getting closer folks," said Jason as he approached with Elizabeth. The hairy faced man they were talking to was no longer with them.

"You are going to be the death of me... Again," Elizabeth said.

"What is going on?" asked Jennifer.

"I talked with an older gentleman, and he gave us some advice on how we get to where we need to go. We just need to keep paying attention to the skeletons on the wall." Jason replied.

"Tell them the other thing," added Elizabeth.

"Oh, and it eventually leads to where hell first started. I don't think anyone really knows where the beginning of this maze is but we are—"

"The other thing," interrupted Elizabeth, "You know Jason. How he said it was more dangerous?" Elizabeth started tapping her foot.

Jason's excitement changed to a sobered expression, "So it's going to be a little more dangerous. It can get chaotic and we'll be in the middle of a lot of hostility. You two don't have to follow us, but if you do, I suggest we stick together every second. We discovered that when you can't die, everything is controlled differently and there are no consequences, except for pain, which has desensitized many."

Elizabeth added, "Think of where we are going as the old hell. It has been around for the longest and has retained the same rules throughout time."

"It turns out the outer regions of hell, like we were in, have the rules of our century. As we get further towards the inside, it's more chaotic and less defined," said Jason.

"What about those flying things?" asked Jennifer.

"Hmm, the man did say the same creatures, giants, or whatever you call 'em walked around or rode dead horses. This is rare now since flight was discovered. The majority of the creatures will be flying." Jason looked directly my way, pressuring me to make a decision. "So James? Are you and Jennifer coming? We would like it if you came but we understand if you don't want to. We wouldn't want to misinform you of anything."

"I don't have anything else to do." I then looked at Jennifer. She was quiet, but I could tell she was anxious about going.

"I'll come too," she replied guardedly, "I will be needing an arm to grab onto though." She looked at me.

I now knew that every man for himself did not pertain to me. I was in the company of someone who relied on me and I couldn't run if I got scared. I would rather be alone when danger encountered me, but it was always good to have a beautiful female at my side when there was no danger. I didn't know which was better, but unbeknownst to Jennifer, I did not make a good protector.

Jason encouraged Jennifer, "It probably won't even be that bad. People make things seem worse than they are all the time. I couldn't imagine it getting any worse."

Elizabeth didn't look too excited, but I knew she was safe in Jason's presence. He was a protector, unlike me.

"So then why do you think he said it's so bad?" asked Jennifer.

"I don't know, but that man we talked to said that most of the people living in the inner area don't leave to the outside. They stay in their territory. Maybe something restricts them from leaving their domain. He said something about the symbols on the wall, so that may be it. Maybe they can't or just don't want to. Who knows..." Jason trailed off, "But to answer your question Jennifer, I don't think it is any more dangerous than it is where we are standing right now."

"And the good news is; we're already dead. There's not much else that can happen to us," said Elizabeth.

I didn't know if she was joking or not.

"We sure are dead. One great power we all have here is the power of healing," Jason stated graciously.

I looked back at the castle, trying to look inside for the creatures that had stolen my seventy-five cents. What did they know that we didn't?

Jason continued, "Let's make sure that we stick close together all the time. And no chasing people down." He smiled my way.

I nodded with a fake smile. Jason and Elizabeth started walking with Jennifer and I close behind.

The skeleton on the horse pointed us in the direction we were walking. I exchanged another quick smile with Jennifer. "Do you think it will be dangerous?" she asked

"Probably not," I replied, wanting it to be danger free. Jennifer gave me a small amount of courage that was hidden deep inside me, though I felt embarrassed to show any sign of confidence in her presence since she already knew the kind of person I was.

"It won't be bad at all," Jason said eavesdropping. Elizabeth rubbed his back and gave him a peck on the cheek.

"They are so sweet," Jennifer said with admiration.

"Yeah, I guess," I said.

We passed through the hallway and continued into undiscovered territory. Although there was a possibility of danger, we didn't want to turn around and wander aimlessly elsewhere. With a destination, we had purpose. We didn't know what our purpose was but our journey into hell kept our feet going; it was also a good distraction from me thinking I was trapped.

I thought about in movies where the protagonist finally reaches his or her final destination; whether it's a goal, conquered love, or just something they accomplished. After experiencing hell, it made me think of what happened after that, then after that, and so on.

We always thought about the now. This was one miniscule part of time into the unknown.

*

The repeating patterns of the station designs were becoming predictable. The hallways, domes, and castles were becoming condensed compared to the previous areas. The corroded walls left an unavoidable stench as we continued to follow the drawings of the skeleton that led us further in.

There was an unusual difference in people. Many were old with decaying skin and had an unnatural look. Their skin was shaggy and peeled off while they maintained their youthful complexion. Just like any material or substance, they deteriorated with time and rotted away. Their clothes were raggedy and meshed with the filth of their skin. With a sense of uneasiness, I knew they were the ones who had been in hell for a long time.

Jennifer and I discussed graveyards and where our dead bodies resided. Although a bit morbid, we discussed how our tombs defined our previous lives to those who didn't know us and that we were remembered only by those who knew us. Once the remembered ones died out, we were left only with a tomb.

Starting from our existence, humans have buried their dead. Our need to see things as sacred has always captivated our minds. This inner capacity has dwelled with us throughout ages. Death has been one of the most mysterious things on earth, and nobody has told of it. For us, the mystery was unraveled upon our arrival but no longer envisioned.

"Graveyards are there to keep the memories of loved ones who are still alive," Jennifer said, "They are creepy but still serve a purpose."

I agreed that graveyards were creepy. "Look at these people down here. They have all been forgotten. What is left of them is a name on earth. That's it. They are your great ancestors. Just think of your great grandfather over centuries. You wouldn't even know any of them."

"I don't think I would want to meet any of my old ancestors. We wouldn't get along well," Jennifer said bluntly, "Their graves are probably still at old graveyards."

"That's what bugs me. I don't know why people want to be remembered throughout time. I want to be forgotten. I don't care. In years to come when people look down on my grave, they won't know anything but what the tomb says." I could tell my depressing and suicidal self was starting to show.

"Don't be so hard on yourself. It gives me a good feeling to know I'll be remembered by my family. They will keep me close to their heart," Jennifer said, "Don't ever lose that in yourself. I know it's hard for you because..." Jennifer stopped, remembering the story of my family.

"It's ok. I know I really don't have much of a family. Maybe that's my problem. I rely on myself too much," I replied.

"It helps to have someone there for you. Without it, it's difficult to live," Jennifer replied, "That's why I am always here for you."

She had a good point that I never had somebody to talk with; and her honest approach was something I wasn't used to. I pictured how Jennifer would react if she knew about my suicide or knew that I was lying about my death.

I tried to distract my negativistic thought with reason, "So, in how many years do you think they will plow over our graveyard? I mean, overcapacity is inevitable. Where are they going to throw our tombs?" I was really pushing her buttons.

"James!" Jennifer slapped me on the shoulder, "Our bodies will own a piece of ground for some time. And I don't know why I should answer you're stupid question." Jennifer could tell I really didn't give a shit about anything. "Tell me one good thing about your family that you remember," she insisted.

I thought for awhile, "To be honest, not much." I didn't want to go into detail.

"How about something when you were a kid?" Jennifer wanted me to go into detail.

I felt embarrassed "Well... My mom would always dress me up when I was a kid. Each day, she always made sure I looked important to everyone around me, like I was special." I could feel my face blush from what I had told her.

"Aww, that's so sweet," Jennifer looked at me with compassion.

"But I'm sure every parent does that with their child," I said trying to regain my masculinity.

"Sounds like she really cared about you," said Jennifer.

"Not really. To her, I was a cute little kid to adore. She didn't know how to be a mother and she knew that. She was happy with her boyfriend and her God while I was happy to be away from her."

It was quiet for a moment.

I broke the silence, "You know what would make graveyards more exciting? Turn them into a drive in movie or some scary attraction. Halloween would never be the same until you went through a haunted graveyard at night." I chuckled and immediately closed my mouth realizing that I might have upset her.

She was thinking but showed off a smile to relieve my anxiety. "I'm sorry you had to go through all of that. I know you told me a lot about your family... Err lack of a family I should say. I wouldn't know how that would feel."

"It's not much. You get used to it."

"I suppose," Jennifer sighed.

"So about my ideas for graveyards? What do you think?" I didn't want to talk about my problems anymore.

"I think you're crazy James. No one in their right minds would ever consider it," Jennifer said, defeating my loony idea, "But nice try."

I just found death hilarious at this point; it was ironic but there was nothing to do but laugh. It was such a tragedy, but with tragedy, there was comedy. "Yeah you're probably right."

Jason interrupted us, "You two see that man?"

Jason moved to the side of us pointing at the figure in front of us. I could see the back of an older man wearing a worn out shirt with holes. We moved in closer and saw that patches of his skin was missing; some hanging off his body. Other areas had no skin at all, exposing his insides.

Jason lowered his voice, "You can see his skull."

"Ew!" Jennifer looked disgusted. She immediately placed her hand over her mouth.

Jason was hiding a grin on his face, almost enjoying Jennifer's reaction. Elizabeth seemed unmoved by the disgusting obscenity. The man scratched the top of his head, oblivious to the open wound. I noticed missing skin from other people who were passing by. There were women who had chunks of hair missing. They were inattentive to how they looked. None of them had a mirror so it made sense they wouldn't care.

Jennifer held onto my arm and said, "These people need some serious help. I hope we don't end up like them."

"There is no one to help them," Jason replied.

I started paying attention to everyone walking by me. Some looked normal while others had sagging skin with abnormal patches. "What's that on the inside behind their skin?" I asked.

"Bones," replied Jason.

"That's disgusting," said Jennifer cringing.

Jason and Elizabeth were impartial towards our new zombie-like neighbors walking by. At first I was entertained with interest, but I began to look into everyone's eyes and forgot to remember that they were human like me. Their thoughtless stares gazed around the hallway. Little emotion rested in their faces with a sense of dullness.

In the distance, we saw another castle nestled in the middle of a smaller dome. Usually this gave us time to collect our feet and talk without having to walk. I felt tired the entire time but I knew it was impossible to fall asleep. I could close my eyes but I would never be able to flow into unconsciousness. It was like a life of insomnia, and there was no chance to feel comfortable.

When I was alive, I always looked forward to sleep. When I slept, I could travel ahead of time and skip hours of my life. In hell, I couldn't do anything but stay awake and share the miserable experience with everyone else. I couldn't imagine being in hell for centuries like the lost souls around us. But no matter how much I wanted to accept it, they were my future.

We followed Jason around the castle. He conducted his normal routine by checking the walls for clues for our next destination. The carvings were hard to read, but still visible. Elizabeth would stand over Jason's side and help him decipher the drawings on the wall.

A man walked around me with missing lips. I decided to keep that to myself.

"Where are we going to next?" asked Jennifer.

"We sure are getting close," replied Jason, "By the looks of it, we will be going in this direction." He pointed to our right to an entrance for a hallway. He looked back down and examined the drawing again.

Jennifer turned to me, "Is the idea of following a skeleton drawing a good idea? It sounds like we are gonna end up screwed."

"At least it's something to do," I said, "What else should we be doing?"

"I don't know James. I don't know," Jennifer muttered.

A constant squeak started to distract me. It sounded like someone was squeezing a pet toy.

Two women appeared from behind trying to talk to each other. Their conversation was full of hand signals and communication through touch. One was opening her mouth, trying to lip the words out while the other made frequent squeaking noises from her throat.

I tapped Jennifer on the shoulder. "Check those two out." I turned with her so we could both watch them from our side. Jennifer sized up the ladies struggling to talk. Beige rags covered most of their bodies and they shared a worn blanket that was draped over their shoulders. Their faces were rotted and decrepit.

"That's weird. How do they understand one another?" asked Jennifer.

"They probably have been around each other for a long time," I guessed.

The squeaking woman was trying to pull something from her throat. She forced her fingers down her mouth, and then continued to use her other hand to communicate. The other tried to reply back but mainly watched. The squeaking lady looked over at us and caught Jennifer and I starring. The ladies made some hand gestures and put their arms around each other to walk towards us. I could see the lines of decay on their skin as they approached.

"Oh shit!" Jennifer shrieked."

I felt planted in the ground once they saw us. Jennifer grabbed onto my arm, but I made no sudden movements and looked down. Jennifer tugged my arm anxiously wanting me to say something to the decrepit ladies approaching us.

Their blurry eyes had no focal point in them but I could tell they were looking in our direction. They suddenly moved their hands and fingers, making circles, and then pointed at us. Skin was dangling from their faces and arms. The squeaking lady would imitate what the other lady attempted to say. Her finger reached out to touch my chest, but I flinched backwards.

Jennifer grumbled at them, "I don't understand." She raised her hands up, gesturing a clueless state.

The two continued to move their hands around. The lady that had the less amount of hair began pointing at the squeaky one. She made a choking gesture with her hands and clasped her throat. She then pointed back at the squeaky lady. The skin on her forehead would occasionally droop over her eyes.

"I don't know what is wrong," Jennifer said flustered, "You have something in your throat?"

The ladies did not understand and continued with their hand gestures.

Jason and Elizabeth walked up behind us. "Are you two making new friends?" asked Elizabeth.

Jason chuckled behind us. "What do we have here?"

"We don't know," Jennifer said, "They have a problem with their throats and they can't talk to us."

Jason leaned in towards them and made a hand motion over his mouth for talking. "Can you talk?"

The ladies still didn't understand but were pointing at Jason's mouth in agreement. They gasped in for air and moved their mouths, but still were mutes. The squeaky lady added her sound.

Jason contemplated, "All I know is one has something in her throat but I sure ain't touching her."

"Maybe she has something lodged in there," suggested Elizabeth.

"Let's just get out of here," said Jennifer impatiently.

We stood in front of them exchanging awkward glances. The lady hit the back of squeaky lady and continued moving her mouth. More hand gestures continued until they finally walked off.

"You two make some odd friends down here," said Jason grinning.

"I wanted to help them out but I wouldn't know what to do," Elizabeth said with concern.

"Oh well, let's get going. There is nothing we can do. Best be staying on the task at hand," Jason started leading us around the castle.

I glanced back at the two ladies. One was huddled over the other with her hand under her mouth. The squeaky lady had coughed something into her hand and held it in front of her companion.

Jennifer grabbed my hand to get me to follow her. I decided not to tell her to look behind us—she was already grossed out as it was. Finally, Jennifer released her grip on my arm as we walked around the castle together. I thought about what the lady had coughed up. Perhaps it was something she had swallowed, or an organ.

Jason mumbled, "You want to help people out but ya just can't trust em."

We looped off and headed towards the hallway we intended to enter. I felt like I had seen an infinite amount of hallways and castles. How many more were there to see?

Two men were running from out of the hallway and into the dome. They crashed carelessly into bodies as they ran towards the castle. Some people quickly moved out of their way while others were pushed to the ground. I didn't know their intentions but they were getting close to where we were.

Jason cautioned us right away, "We need to get over to the side!"

The ground rumbled, not from a giant, but from something else.

Jennifer and I followed Jason who pulled Elizabeth with him. I was still focusing on the two men sprinting towards the castle. They screamed and plowed their way through the crowd without a care of who they hurt. Everyone around us anxiously started to panic as the entire dome began increase with commotion. In the hallway we were planning to enter, was a stampede of angry bodies running toward the dome. I now understood why Jason was moving with haste; we were about to be overran.

We followed Jason as we pushed through bodies either standing or walking in our way. Jason was leading us to the wall to avoid the rush of people.

The two crazy runners who reached the castle started to bang on the wall with their fists. They weren't causing the castle any damage but continued to savagely hit the wall. They needed help to destroy the castle.

More were coming.

The ground continued to rumble, and the noise increased as the stampede impended. We were all glued to the wall watching the two strange men erratically attack the castle. Bodies were swiftly moving from the inside of the castle wall, preparing for what was coming. Jennifer was clamped onto me like usual. To my side, Jason held Elizabeth in his arms. He was surveying the crowd while keeping a tight hug on Elizabeth.

"Did you see what's coming?" asked Jennifer.

"Yes, just don't leave the wall," I warned.

Jennifer grasped onto my arm tighter and buried herself into my chest. It was distressing to think I might have to defend for myself and Jennifer. I had an urge to run off by myself to be safe, but instead, I stayed in place with Jennifer holding onto me.

The uproar of feet hitting the ground was at its loudest. Screams echoed from the hallway and filled the dome. I knew the angry mob was about to burst out of the hallway at any moment. More people trying to avoid the violence passively joined us against the wall. At the other side of the hallway entrance, everyone was bracing for impact.

Suddenly, an explosion of people ran out belligerently and cleared a path towards the castle. A wind of musty smells flew against our faces as bodies continued to stream out. I tried to put my arm over my nose to block the pungency.

The barging horde collided against the massive castle while the onslaught of screaming persisted. They banged on the walls and started climbing upwards. The castle was high, and it was going to take a lot of people to get to the top. The rioters who were climbing the wall struggled to grip it, but still progressed higher. Many didn't have shirts or pants on, allowing me to see the deterioration of their bodies. A few of the individuals had skeleton heads.

I was looking back at the hallway and then to the castle, and was getting nervous that angry captives were still piling out of the hallway. More bodies continued to smother the castle as they stacked up the walls.

I noticed Jason was trying to get my attention who had Elizabeth wrapped up in his arms. Jason was pointing at something over the castle but I couldn't hear him due to the surrounding noise that was beginning to sound like static. Jennifer was glued to me not looking up while I tried to look for more skeleton people, but they all blended in with the rioters.

The giants began to accumulate overhead. I saw at least five of them circling over the crowd as more were flying in from different sides of the dome. Their wings intensified the wind, helping get rid of the musty smell from the mob of rioters.

A short lady in front of us attempted to run into the crowd to escape. She was immediately pushed into the rush of people and smeared. She rolled on the ground as rioters stepped on her. Most of the people avoiding the running mob were trying to find an escape. Across the dome, the clogged hallways of people created more controversy, making it impossible to exit.

On the castle walls, a raggedy barefoot man was climbing at a fast pace. He separated himself above the others and used the slits in the walls to pull himself up. A fall was more fatal each second. A hand reached out for him and covered his face, making the man defenseless since he was stuck on the wall. Another hand from the castle reached out and pushed something on his collar. A third hand popped out and held onto his waist. The man was swaying his head back and forth, trying to break free. Subsequently, he let go of the wall but remained attached as the hands from the castle maintained a tight grip on him. The man jerked himself up to the hand that was holding his face and began hitting it like a punching bag. Finally, he was released and plummeted onto the crowd.

The hallway with everyone storming out was beginning to taper off, leaving a few stragglers that hadn't reached the castle yet. Another body with a dirty gray skull was running in the direction of the castle. The clothing he wore was bare and only covered around his waist. The bareness of the rioters was a grotesque sight, manifesting the duration of time they had squandered away in hell. Many unclothed individuals were running freely without a concern of their exposed bodies.

A dozen giants were now flying above us. Their wings flapped violently as they circled over the crowd, coordinating an attack. People began backing up into us and jammed our bodies against the wall. The moment somebody was pushed in the crowd, everyone would lean against each other creating a domino effect which resulted in us getting crushed. Many did not successfully reach the castle due to the swarm of people, but they continued to advance forward.

The individuals climbing the castle could not avoid the hands protruding out. The hands shoved the climbers and activated their collars, forcing them to slip off as they tumbled to their demise. The bodies that got back up were now covered with a skin-like mask, leaving them faceless. They madly staggered around grabbing people and feeling their way through the crowd. Their attempt of rebellion seemed worthless since there was no way to scale the top of the castle and get inside.

Jennifer had her arms around me. She would briefly look up and then put her head back down under my armpit. I probably smelled horrendous as I put one arm on her shoulder. I could have put my hand on her stomach, which would have been more convenient, but I didn't want to touch anything else on her. Instead, I maintained my uncomfortable position. The jabbing from other people added to the agitation. Many were trying to avoid the confrontation like me, so I knew it wasn't their fault. Jason and Elizabeth were bunched up to my side and glanced over occasionally to check on Jennifer and me.

Jennifer yelled into my ear, "These people need to get off of us!"

I gave her a nod and assured her, "Everything will be ok." Saying that phrase to Jennifer actually helped my withered confidence.

The first giant landed onto the floor, creating an explosion throughout the dome. Victims from the crash were catapulted into the air and landed on others who were trying to avoid the collision. A spacious circle was instantly created around the giant as it scanned for anyone misbehaving. The giant folded its wings back and began walking towards the castle, unaffected by the rioters bouncing off it. The giant threw the captives in the air without realizing they were landing on the unexpected crowd in the distance.

Consecutive explosions from giants landing on the ground reverberated throughout the dome as they all dropped down like birds feasting on vulnerable fish in shallow water. Some rioters attempted to jump on a giant but it was too powerful. They held onto its arms, others jumped on its neck, while others just tried to inflict some sort of pain by stabbing it. The giant grabbed them around the neck and swung them in the air, most likely breaking their bones. Many of the people who were being thrown had their collar activated. It was obvious when someone's collar was slowly covering their face because they would hold onto their neck and run uncontrollably in the opposite direction. The giants used their flight as an advantage to pick people off from climbing up the castle.

After minutes, I began seeing more people with covers over their faces. They had no ability to see or do anything except feel their way around and unpredictably bump into bodies. The giants were winning the battle with ease as they continued to dive down and snatch up the faceless bodies. I watched them carry the helpless captives off into openings somewhere above the domes. Many returned back into the dome and snatched up more bodies. The giants worked with efficiency to diffuse the chaotic situation, reminding me of worker bees defending their nest. I noticed two naked rioters with torn skin climbing the castle wall fairly quickly. A giant swooped down and grabbed one off the wall. I could see the man struggling in the grasp of the giant's arms as they flew off into the distance. The other man was picked off seconds later.

The angry mob began to retreat back into the hallways which gave us more space to breathe. I still had my sweaty hand on Jennifer's shoulder. She looked more relieved that we were not being pushed up against the wall. Although I felt more comfortable, my concern was that the giants would mistake us for rioters.

"Should we move into the hallway?" I asked Jennifer, "We don't want to be picked off."

Jennifer saw my concern, "Well... If we run we are more likely to get picked off." She had a point. I wanted somebody to tell me what to do.

I waved my hand at Jason and Elizabeth. I yelled, "What do we do?"

He motioned for me to stay.

I spotted a body with a skeleton head and a collar around his boney neck. The man was running into the wall trying to somehow damage the castle with his ineffective ramming. He looked up and started to climb. Others followed him while others helped push him up. The skeleton man moved with dexterity as he climbed higher and dodged the hands that reached out to grab him. It was scary to think he could live in his condition. Most of the people climbing did not reach halfway up the castle before they fell or got snagged by a giant.

The giants continued to swoop down and corral the remaining bodies. It disgruntled me that I didn't know where everyone was being taken or where the depths of hell existed.

One of the giants slammed against the castle, pinning the skull man against the wall. The giant put him in a headlock and activated the collar. The skull man tried to swing behind him but his fighting rendered him helpless. The giant ripped him from the wall and shook him violently as it flew away.

The giants maneuvered graciously through the sky, setting up the perfect scheme to terminate any anarchy. Most people scattered off with a few more faceless bodies lingering around. The ones still resisting were quickly recognized and then carried away. We waited along the back wall for awhile as the giants finished picking up the stragglers. Jason still motioned for us to stay calm and stay where we were. I waited for Jason to make a move.

A giant landed close by us with his wings spread apart. He scanned the area around him, walked in the direction of the castle, and then stopped. It spun around with demanding posture and started walking in our direction. Everyone in the closest vicinity fled in different directions to avoid any contact with the giant. It continued at its pace nearing our direction. The sound of breathing strengthened with each step as it advanced forward. Its expression was compelling and full of impetuosity.

I looked at Jennifer to alleviate my fear. She was terrified, which didn't relieve my stress.

The giant was now directly in front of us. It was breathing hard and dropping sweat on the floor but it still possessed resilience. I was terrified to look into its eyes. Nervousness filled my entire body as it began to shake. Jennifer and I were huddled together, which made me feel more uncomfortable. Jason and Elizabeth were still against the wall next to us.

A low growl expelled from the back of its throat. Its tongue came out from its pointy teeth and licked the sweat from the top of its lips. The muscles on the giant were massive. Veins were pulsating through its body and its wings twitched with subtlety. Bracing for departure, the giant lifted its wings and jumped into the air quickly.

A collective sigh of relief filled the crowd.

The giant returned to the castle to help its comrades. Most of the giants were in proximity to the castle and were picking up the leftovers. The people against the walls were entering the connecting hallways, and with more space, I was able to examine all the deficiencies on everyone that were around me. There were more bodies with worn out skin and visible bones that I hadn't noticed before.

If I could have soiled myself I think I would have when the giant was standing over me. Not having the ability to piss or shit was a relief, though I did feel like something inside of me needed to be released. The embarrassing feeling was quickly extinguished. I wanted to ask someone why this was, but the question was too shameful.

Jason and Elizabeth crept over to check on our status. Jennifer hugged them both. I stood over the three, thinking about why I didn't shit.

"Are you ok?" asked Elizabeth. Her eyes moved up to me then back down to Jennifer.

"I'm better," I replied.

"Good that you stayed put. You don't want to get caught up in that crowd," said Jason

"Nobody had a chance," Elizabeth said, "There is no way to resist."

"All those folks have to deal with a damn mask over their faces now," added Jason, "I heard they are taken into a bad part of hell."

"We don't know if that is true," said Elizabeth.

"It sure is possible."

I interrupted, "Did you guys see that skull man?"

Jennifer's eyes opened wide with fright.

"I think that's how many are going to start looking," said Jason, "I did see a few in there."

"When you're in hell for a long time, it takes a toll on your body," Elizabeth replied, "What a pity."

"I didn't see someone with a skull," Jennifer said concerned.

"You will see them soon," replied Jason.

Jennifer displayed anguish to Jason's response.

"We did what we needed to do in that emergency," Elizabeth said thankfully, "Always stick to the walls. It's better to wait than to run. You will risk getting swooped up by a creature."

"I hate this place," Jennifer stated.

"We all do," Elizabeth replied. "We will find somewhere better."

Jason changed the subject, "Since everything is cleared out, I reckon we start heading this way." He faced his body towards the hallway. "Better not stop now."

I could tell Jennifer did not want to continue but she had nowhere else to go. Jason stepped between Jennifer and Elizabeth and put his arms on their backs for us to start walking. I followed close behind.

"Look at the castle," said Jason, "There isn't even a scratch on it. There needs to be a lot more people to overtake a castle, or else it will stay like this forever."

There were no longer any movements inside the castle. Nobody wanted to go near the walls for fear they would get swooped up by the remaining giants circling overhead. We followed the dome around to the designated hallway Jason had chosen for us. There was a good amount of people walking in and out of the dome. Many of the new people coming in were most likely unaware of the catastrophe that had just occurred; some of them were utterly disgusting.

Jason and Elizabeth stopped to examine a man who was wounded. I moved around them to get a better view while Jennifer inched closer to me to lock her arm to mine. The gangly man's arm was completely bent the other way. He held onto it and snapped it back into place. He grimaced a little but there was no sign of pain in his old blurry eyes.

Elizabeth had her hands over her face, unable to believe the torment that people could withstand. She had years of experience as a nurse but couldn't comprehend the magic of the collar. The bodies in hell eventually deteriorated throughout time, leaving the presence of a thousand year old repugnant man or woman. But the collar kept them going even after they suffered their terrible conditions. We stepped pass the impaired man who looked proud that he had fixed his arm. We maneuvered around bodies and to the hallway we had intended to enter before chaos had erupted.

As we walked through the hallway, I contemplated how Jennifer would look when she became five-hundred years old, or even a thousand. How would I look? What would it feel like to have my skin fall off? I figured the collar kept people alive for the reason that one day they would enter heaven, but seeing these decrepit people didn't give me much hope. I didn't want to end up like a lost soul, never having the opportunity to live properly again.

I felt like I would never have the capabilities to prove myself to the standards of heaven.

*

Staying close together, we walked through the tarnished walls that resembled the displeasing architecture of a dungeon. The jagged surface around the hallway was rough, like it was made out of volcanic rock. I knew we were walking though old territory due to an abundance of living skeletons walking around. Some skeletons had patches of skin shedding off them with dried up organs pushing out; others were deathly terrifying. Many skeletons had one or both eyes intact, missing teeth, or inverted noses. They reminded me of prehistoric creatures incapable of expressing themselves through verbal communication. Their human qualities struggled to say intact but their spirits were broken down.

Once the skeletons were the majority of the population, I considered them harmless, but was still intimidated by their abstruse behavior. It left me uncertain whether they were conscious of me or not. Their tenuous frames walked in lines following whoever was in front of them, gingerly moving their feet at a slow pace. I remembered examining a clean fake skeleton during my high school biology class, and it was nothing in comparison to the skeletons in hell that had inner tissue hanging from their dirty bones. According to my biology teacher, a deceased body could take a month to two months to reach skeletal remains, depending on the temperature. Even after centuries, most bones would turn to dust, unless they became fossilized. The machine that we all entered, before going to hell, gave us a human body to feel pain. Now, the collar disrupted our biological process and didn't allow for a respectable human being to function.

I remembered Jason's first attempt to talk to a skeleton. He was reluctant at first but carefully addressed his purpose, though the skeleton showed no sign of acknowledgement. Jason used hand signals to reiterate his verbal introduction. Jennifer, Elizabeth, and I watched Jason attempt to communicate.

"Excuse me?" Jason lightly tapped the shoulder of one of the skeletons that stood with its hands dangling to its sides. The skeleton wore a brown cloth that hung over its right shoulder. The deteriorated cloth extended down to its ribs. There was a slight movement from the mouth but no response to Jason's invitation.

"My name is Jason." He put his hand on his chest. "What is your name? We are walking through and wanted to see if you could help us," Jason repeated and pointed at the skeleton's chest and then at his own.

The skeleton did not respond with any sudden movements. It then turned and walked off. I didn't know if it was a man or a woman because of the lack of skin and mere bone structure. The typical female posture and walk was indistinguishable; whether the skeleton was a man or woman, it didn't matter anymore.

Jason attempted conversation with other skeletons, but he received the same absentminded look. The skeletons showed the least bit of interest in any dialogue. One of the skeletons pushed Jason out of the way and continued on its way.

I noticed some healthy bodies that hadn't deteriorated yet. They filled the crowd with color even though they were missing quite a bit of skin. Many had empty spaces where their eyes should be and gashes around their necks where the collars were. I didn't know how the skeletons could see, or if they were too crippled to think. I thought of an old senile man waiting to die who couldn't reason to resolve his own situation.

Jennifer didn't want anything to do with the skeletons. She made sudden gasping noises when she spotted out something disgusting. Then, she had to let me know about it. "Eew!" Jennifer grabbed my shoulder and pointed conspicuously, "That one has no ears!"

I looked in the direction to where she was pointing. A shorter man with small stubs sticking out the side of his head was standing near the hallway wall. I looked quickly but did not want to attract any attention that I was staring.

"I don't think these skeletons are people anymore," I commented.

"You're probably right," Jennifer replied, "They're outta this world."

Jason and Elizabeth were in front of us. They would talk mouth to ear, exchanging comments with smiles and giggles. I didn't know how they remained cheerful.

"How much worse can these skeletons get?" I asked.

"Couldn't get much worse. They should take off their collars and let them all die," replied Jennifer.

I looked at all the collars dangling around the necks of the passing skeletons. "Do you think that would happen?"

"There's got to be a way to get these annoying collars off," Jennifer replied.

"Unless you somehow cut off your head," I suggested.

Jennifer hit me on the shoulder, "That's gross James!"

"Just saying it might work," I said with honesty.

"There has to be a better way to die."

We were jealous of death.

"We would probably end up in the same spot and start hell over again. Everybody is always saying there's no escape so there might not be a way out." I didn't like the words that just rolled off my tongue. Pessimism would always get the best of me.

Jennifer had her finger on her lip, "Unless we finally get to heaven. But we don't know what that would be like. What if it's worse though?"

"I don't think anything is worse than hell," I replied.

Jason and Elizabeth turned around to get our attention. Jason pointed ahead, "Look at that old castle."

Jennifer and I hadn't realized that we were entering another dome, though it was the smallest yet.

Elizabeth added, "I can feel that we are getting close."

Ahead of us, a dilapidated castle sat in the middle of an open space. It wasn't as big as most of the castles we had seen, but this new one had a primal design to it. It almost looked like a hut, worn out with no improvements, but was encased with a strong hold and no entry point. The quietness in the dome reminded me of a wasteland with no need for civilization. Without the availability of resources, there was nothing the skeletons could do for development. Some skeletons were in groups while others paced around the dome calmly.

"Look at the arrangement of the wall. This was built millenniums ago," Jason said as we approached the hut. We followed Jason who had quickened his pace. He paused in front of the wall to examine it and murmured to himself as he slid his hands over the surface.

"Don't go and fall in love with the wall now," joked Elizabeth, though she looked a little agitated.

Jason ignored Elizabeth and spoke up, "Did you know the ancient Egyptians mixed mud and straw into molds and then left it in the sun to dry, making it brick?"

"Why are you telling us this Mr. Historian?" Elizabeth commented.

"Because the surface of this castle looks like it was handmade." He ran his hand along the intricate pieces on the wall and then knocked it with his fist, "Still strong as ever."

"We are in an area that has been around for a very long time. Don't forget the people here are as old as this wall too," Elizabeth said.

Jason looked deep in thought. This looked like another pause in our progress for Jason to run wild with ideas. Elizabeth was always along for the imaginative voyage.

I felt a skeleton brush up behind me. Jennifer took a few steps in front of me to avoid the passing skeletons, appearing uneasy when they came close to her.

Jennifer's voice trembled, "Did you feel some of those skeletons?"

"Yeah, they feel weird. I don't think a lot of them can see, so just ignore it."

"That would be terrible," Jennifer said, "One of them touched my shoulder like this." Jennifer demonstrated her minor encounter with a soft touch on my shoulder.

I shriveled my shoulder as she put her hand on me. "It was probably feeling its way through the crowd."

Jennifer changed the subject. "You're a very shy guy. Are you always so timid?"

"I dunno. I guess so."

"You've never had a girlfriend have you?"

I felt like she was going to find out sooner or later. I stuttered, "Not really. I mean I've..." I stopped myself. I wasn't fooling anybody. "Not really."

Jennifer smiled, "It's ok if you haven't. You're a real sweet person and that is something most people don't have. Trust me, I know."

I smiled like an idiot to her comment. She must have been talking about her job. "I guess I don't talk to girls that much, but then again, I don't talk to most people."

I heard Jason lecturing Elizabeth about the wall again. He studied the wall and then wagged his hand at Elizabeth. I couldn't hear what he was trying to convey.

"I know of so many girls that would go out with you," Jennifer said.

I felt flattered. I knew my face was turning red. "Yeah sure. They wouldn't like the type of person I am."

"You'd be surprised," Jennifer commented back, "They are used to guys mauling all over them. And I'm not talking about when they are at the club. Someone like you would be refreshing."

"Yeah for maybe a week, then they would get bored of me."

"You are always so negative," Jennifer pushed me subtly.

"To be honest, I don't even really know how you girls go up on stage and do that sort of thing. I would feel really uncomfortable, even sitting down in front of you."

"I understand that it's not for everyone." Jennifer was thinking, "But let me ask you something about feeling comfortable." She was on to something and I didn't like what she was thinking.

Jennifer took two steps forward and was inches away from my face. She was tall for a woman and almost looked me eye to eye. "Why do you feel uncomfortable right now?"

I took a few steps back before I responded back. "Because you're so close to me I don't like it." I sounded juvenile. I could tell she was examining my movements.

Jennifer stepped in again invading my space. It wasn't as close as last time but I could smell her aroma. Everyone smelled but somehow I liked the way she smelled.

"Talk to me like this," she instructed.

I turned my head and responded, "I just don't like it," and took a step back.

"A lot of men have no sense of boundaries with women when they first meet us. They can be stupid but are confident. That's what you lack; confidence. And I'm not saying to be confident like them, but just smart confident in knowing what a woman wants. However, most men don't know what a woman wants because they only think with their dick. If men maintained that confidence without sex in their head, they would have the capabilities to satisfy a lot more in a woman than just sex. Most men think for themselves and just want to get off anyways. I'm positive you don't think with your dick do you?"

That was an awkward question, "I... I don't think I do."

"Of course you don't because you're timid and lack confidence. That's what you're used to. You need to build finesse around women and start practicing or you'll never get anywhere. When I was inches away from your face, what was your first instinct?"

"I didn't like it." I didn't know what else to say. In the moment I wanted her to get away, but after she stepped back and we separated, I wanted her to come back close to me. Maybe I was thinking with my dick, but I wouldn't tell her that. I didn't know why she was telling me all of this and I already knew I was timid and lacked everything a woman expected out of a man.

"I know it's natural and there are no changing men, but there is so much else a man can do to please a woman. If you have confidence, you could really be a ladies' man. All the rest comes natural. Trust me, it doesn't take a genius to figure out sex."

"I guess. Most of the dumb asses I knew back in school were the ones bragging about having sex all the time. They were always talking to the girls though."

"It would be refreshing to meet someone like you and not have to deal with the bullshit of men."

"Maybe you need to start hanging out with different types of people?" I suggested. I really wanted to change the subject about how I was such a pussy with women. Regardless of what she was saying, I had no desire to put any belief into her theory. Someone like her wouldn't spend more than a day with me if given the choice.

"When men think with their dick, they acquire a dispassionate confidence. Men will tell me how lovely I am just to screw me. And don't get me started with men in the strip club. I would give out lap dances and hands would be all over me. But men have such a linear type of thinking that goes straight to their dicks," Jennifer giggled to herself, "I know I provide a service but it's funny to think I never got one 'thank you' from a man after I gave him a lap dance."

"So you provided a dick service?" I asked.

"Sure, you could say that," Jennifer replied with a smirk on her face.

"You know I was in ballet when I was a kid?" Jennifer blinked her eyes proudly, "Ten solid years before I stripped."

"I'm sure you were good," I said.

"Watch this." Jennifer lifted her leg up so that the ankle was extended up next to her head. Her jeans stretched to the max as her leg gracefully lifted in the air with her toes pointed. She displayed great flexibility and then finally dropped her leg while maintaining perfect balance.

I could hear Jason and Elizabeth talking about their outside walls of their old house.

"I couldn't imagine trying that, I don't think I could get my knee above my waste." I loved exaggerating my worthlessness with Jennifer. She was out of my league anyways. I was impressed how she executed her poise with great balance. I wondered if any of the skeletons or people passing by saw her ballet display.

"Oh you liar," Jennifer playfully, "And the bad thing is, if I put some exotic movements with it, I can pull off the start of a striptease."

"That's comforting to know," I joked. I didn't know quite what I meant by that.

Jennifer stepped up in front of me making me nervous again. "It's not that different."

"Huh?" I was acting stupid to what she was showing me.

Jennifer threw up her leg again and placed it on my shoulder. She rocked her stomach forward and then yanked her head back. Her hand tightly gripped the back of my head. I stared down at her beautiful neck with my eyes wide open; it was a stunning sight. Her hair gently hung over her face as every strand slowly fell behind her head as she leaned back. She lifted her head back up with great balance and then slowly inched forward. Her hands moved firmly over my chest as she looked into my eyes with fierceness. Her face was tilted down with her eyes staring up at me.

Jennifer interrupted the mood she had initiated, "So you see the difference but similarity?" Her voice was casual. I didn't understand how she acted so relaxed.

My breathing intensified almost to a hyperventilation. I was memorized by her body pressed up against mine with her leg extended over my shoulder.

"Uh huh," I squeezed out.

"Or maybe It's not the same at all," Jennifer suggested, dropping her leg from my shoulder.

I looked down and realized I had an erection. Feeling embarrassed, I glanced around trying to think of a way to get me out of this situation. My face was probably bright red like a tomato.

"I think you actually like this James," giggled Jennifer.

If the skeletons could see me, they would be laughing. I put both my hands in my pockets to hide the bulge in my pants. "I guess so..."

Jason and Elizabeth were staring at us with grins on their faces.

"Bravo!" Jason interrupted, "And who do we owe this show to?"

I took a few steps back trying to conceal my erection by moving hands out in my pockets. I'm sure my face was extremely red. My stomach churned up to my chest as I tried to push my erection down, but it didn't help.

"Just showing James some ballet moves," Jennifer exclaimed.

"I see," said Elizabeth, "And what do you call that move you did?"

Jennifer replied, "Its high leg extension. I've been able to do it since I was a kid. You ever hear of it?"

"I think so," replied Elizabeth with her hand on her cheek, "I know about square dancing. Jason and I did that all the time when we were together. Ballet I've never done."

"We sure did have a lot of fun," Jason added.

"I've heard of that," said Jennifer, "It looks hard."

Elizabeth looked over Jennifer's shoulder and saw me hiding behind her, "What are you doing over there James? Your face is so red."

My hands shuffled in my pockets as I stayed to the side but behind Jennifer. I didn't want to look down for fear everyone would notice what I was trying to hide. "I'm ok, just a little flustered at dancing." I forced a terrible fake laugh. My hands were tense in my pockets.

"You know anything about dancing James?" asked Jason.

"Not really," I replied, "I don't have the balance."

"Oh nonsense", claimed Jason, "It just takes a little practice along with everything else."

Another skeleton brushed by my shoulder.

I wanted everything to calm down in my system. I felt my heart pumping blood through every vein and could sense everyone wondering why my hands were in my pockets, but nothing was said. I gazed at Jennifer, amazed at the beauty she displayed for me. Being close to a powerful woman like her gave me excitement and a much needed purpose.

Jason changed the subject, "So it looks like we are going to try this way," he pointed towards a poorly built opening. Of all the hallway entrances, Jason somehow picked the ones he thought were most convenient, but there was no knowing if we were going the correct way. Jason tilted his head up, admiring the hut one last time. Elizabeth gave me another look of confusion trying to figure out why I had my hands in my pockets. She probably thought I was weird.

Jennifer adjusted her waist. "Hey James, with a little practice you could learn some cool dance moves. I'll teach you some another time."

I pushed my pants down further in my pockets covering my embarrassment. My entire body was rigid. "You might have to settle for failure. I've never tried a dance move in my life." I finished with a laugh trying to end of our conversation for me to dance.

"I'll get you to do something one day," Jennifer smiled. She had a couple small holes in her jeans under her knees, exposing her skin underneath. I never noticed before, unless it was new.

"You're lucky nothing ripped your pants yet," I pointed to her knees, "There's no clothing store to exchange them at."

Jennifer pulled her legs up to examine her jeans. "You're right. That would be terrible to walk with a huge rip along my jeans for the rest of time. Let's hope they last me."

I could see why a lot of people had a mesh of ragged clothes hung over them. There was nothing they could do about it. I figured that most people didn't care.

Jason interrupted, "Well, let's get going. There are more naked skeletons to see here."

"Oh I can't wait," Jennifer said sarcastically.

I twisted my pants with my hands still in my pockets. I was a little bit more settled down, but still had an erection that was most likely visible. I'm sure Jennifer had noticed, but she didn't say anything. She must have understood that I was already perplexed with my situation. I didn't think I could take much more embarrassment.

We started to walk into the old hallway, and since the incident had occurred with the rioters, we were always cautious before entering a hallway.

Coast was clear.

I followed behind everyone, trying to portray a normal stride. The discomforting walk brought me to the conclusion that I thought with my dick. No matter how shameful, misconstrued, or debilitating it may seem, I would always seek pleasure. The problem that remained was that I was chasing pleasure without knowing the definition.

I didn't know what Jennifer was talking about.

*

Studying the skeletons through retrograde was one of many foreseeable changes that deepened my fears. Inside the skeleton's ribs was an empty heartless space with small amounts of tissue holding onto the bone. Most walked at a slow pace while others leaned against the wall with their collars loosely hanging around their withered necks. They were silent but I noticed many communicated through gestures and sign language with their boney hands. Some skeletons were situated in groups of four or five, not focusing on anything specific while others would instinctively use touch or physical signals to let the others know their presence. Their mobility displayed no versatility at all, and given the shitty circumstances, they were somehow withstanding their existence.

We hadn't said anything for awhile, and the hallways were quieter than normal due to the overflowing population of speechless skeletons. Our shoes hitting the floor were the only constant sound that filled the hallway, and the occasional high pitched squeak would come from the dried throat of a skeleton. Most of the time, we learned to ignore it.

"Check out the skeleton with shoes," I pointed out to Jennifer trying to make her laugh.

"That's kinda weird," said Jennifer, not as amused as I was.

"I never knew that this many dead people existed. The skeletons should all be put in a pile of fire," I suggested.

"That just sounds evil," Jennifer replied, "But if it helped, I wouldn't be opposed to the idea."

"It's sad that it eventually comes to this," Jason spoke up, "These collars are an enigma. There are some real sadistic people in control I tell ya."

"These skeletons must be so old. I bet they don't even remember when they died or what their life was like," said Jennifer.

A group of skeletons were resting on the side of the hallway and huddled in a circle communicating with each other using touch. Their method of communication seemed instinctual through recognition of their movements rather than perception. Although they seemed simple and fragile, I was concerned about their cold hearted capabilities. I remembered when the skeletons had attacked the castle; they had the ability to act violently if needed with no regard for another. For now it was calm, and we didn't disrupt their environment.

The more I studied them, the more I understood why they were the way they were. I didn't want my future to end in a constant struggle to survive like the skeletons. Although there was no hunting to satisfy hunger, everything was agrarian. We stayed close together, trying not to bump into anything. I pictured Jennifer and me as skeletons communicating to one another in our group. At times, the voiceless skeletons reminded me of how I acted on earth.

The floor began to descend until we came into an oval shaped room. It didn't have the space of a dome, but had enough room for the giants to fly above us. The giants were holding onto faceless captives that struggled to break free. I could see the coating of skin wrapped around their heads that was produced by the collar. The giants were flying in every second with someone new, dropping off a captive, and then preparing to find another to torture.

"Look at that over there," said Jason, "So that's where everybody goes."

On the other side of the room was a cave where faceless people were staggering out. They walked like helpless mummies trying to feel their way around, lacking most of their senses. A faceless man walking near us was prying the outer skin off his face. His hands were stretching the skin that the collar had created, making half of his real face appear from underneath. I could see one of his eyes with some of his hair hanging over it. He continued to pick at his face as he passed us. At the top of the smaller dome were openings around the ceiling that allowed giants to fly in and out. They would drop the squirming bodies off in the cave; how far was unknown. It was like an airborne assembly line of flying giants dropping off their cargo.

"Looks like we found the location for all those unruly people out there," said Jason.

"Look at them fly back and forth," Elizabeth pointed out.

Jennifer was staring up in disbelief. I noticed how tender her neck was and then followed my eyes down to her breasts.

We approached the dark cave, cautious of the giants above us. I could only see the faceless people stumbling out from the entrance. Many had their hands over their heads and were attempting to rip off the skin blanket that covered their face. Their moans sent a chill down my back.

"I feel bad for everyone here," said Jennifer concerned, "Even if they did something bad that they deserved. Everyone here is still human."

"Yeah it sucks," I replied.

We stopped in front of a man who had his hands over his head. He grunted as he tried to tear every piece of skin off his face. I could see his nose poking out from the middle.

"Is there anything we can do?" asked Elizabeth.

"Oh I don't know," Jason said discouraged. The need to help these people felt instinctual but none of us knew how. "I think we should leave them alone. That wouldn't go to well with them creatures. They might think we are trying to harm them," Jason said looking at the giants flying above us.

"We are just going to leave them like this?" Jennifer said upset.

"We can't do much if we are always under the creature's sight. I don't think they would like for us to mess with their doings." Jason replied.

"It's so unfair," cried Jennifer.

I noticed a few faceless bodies unknowingly walk back into the cave. When they bumped into each other, they would stiffen up and look stunned. After the collisions occurred, they would continue to walk around trying to feel their way through the crowd. Some of them would swing punches at the other faceless bodies they bumped into. I understood Jennifer's argument, but there was nothing we could do.

Not a spark of light was beyond the entrance of the dark cave. If anyone ventured farther in, it would be the same as wearing a mask over the face. The twilight hallways were already beginning to blend with the black walls. We stood in a circle as the wind pushed onto us from the traffic of giants transporting captives above us. Jennifer's hair was floating up and down beautifully with the wind. I occasionally glimpsed her way to admire her when she was distracted by something or looking the opposite way.

"So they cover their faces and dump them off in a dark cave? How cruel can they be?" Jennifer continued to scan above her. It was amazing to watch the creatures fly through the air. They were committed to their role and could not be stopped by anyone.

"Looks like that's how it is. At least we don't have something covering our face," I tried to lighten her up but it didn't seem to work. I didn't think I could come up with anything insightful that would make her feel better.

"What do you two think?" asked Jason.

"What do you mean?" asked Jennifer.

"Which way do you think we should go? I don't think we want to go into that dark cave," said Jason, "There are more hallways around this area, but entering the cave would be a bad idea."

Elizabeth added, "We have a lot of options and there is no writing on the walls or anything to help guide us. Let's keep lookin though."

"I don't know. As long as we don't go into the cave I am fine," Jennifer said anxiously.

"What about you?" Jason looked into my eyes.

I looked down at the floor, "I dunno. What works for you, works for me," I said. I was never able to give out a solid answer.

I think Jason was getting lost and he didn't know what to do. He had never asked us for help before.

"Well then, we will continue to follow your lead," Elizabeth said with her hand on Jason's shoulder.

I glanced at the cave again and everyone walking out. It started to become comical watching all the faceless mummies bump into each other and wonder around blindly. It was sad but there was something that made me laugh inside as I watched them.

The wind intensified and whirled around our bodies. The air thrashed through my clothes and forced my eyes to squint. Jason and Elizabeth were glaring at me with apprehension. They were directing their voices towards me but the wind distorted the clarity; leaving me clueless of what they were saying. Jason finally motioned for me to follow him.

"Watch out!" Jennifer yelled, pulling me backwards. I felt her hand slide around my arm and up to my hand. She clenched my hand tight as we followed Jason and Elizabeth. I forced my head upwards and saw a giant above us flapping its wings up and down. They were wide enough to trap us inside of his wing span.

"Get outa there!" yelled Jason. He had his arms around Elizabeth as they started to run.

Jennifer yanked my arm. My feet began to move from under me as we followed Jason and Elizabeth.

The giant landed on the ground with its wing's still around us, causing my feet to stutter as I tripped over Jennifer. She fell on the ground with me but was already in the process of getting up. My knees were the first to make impact with the ground, creating instant pain in my legs. I could sense the giant looking down on me as it huffed its rancid breath on me.

"C'mon! Let's keep going!" commanded Jennifer. Her hand was still holding tightly onto mine as she pulled me away from the giant.

Suddenly, a hand grabbed my shoulder with shard nails dangling over my chest, pulling me away from Jennifer. Another grunt ensued simultaneously followed by a puff of air on my back. The creature turned me around and inspected my collar. I could hear Jason, Elizabeth, and Jennifer screaming as the giant placed its other arm on my side and pulled me in towards its body. The sweat and stench from the creature flowed through my nose and made my face crinkle. I turned my head to the side trying not to put my face into its body. The giant took one last grunt, tensed up its body, and bent its knees as it lifted off the ground, yanking my body with it. Its claws dug into my shoulder and side as we progressed higher in the air. I knew my shoulder was injured but my adrenaline was blocking out the pain.

Everything below started to look smaller as we gained height and speed. My body moved effortlessly with the motion of the giant's wings. I watched my only three friends slowly disappear. I could see Jason and Elizabeth staring up at me while Jennifer was to the side crying. I kept my eyes on Jennifer as she got smaller and smaller. She finally blended in with everyone else, bringing tears to my eyes.

I was able to move my head but the rest of my body was held tightly. My tears dropped onto everyone below me. I didn't understand why I was being separated from my friends. I didn't do anything terrible, so why was the giant taking me away? We were traveling at a fast speed, entering tunnels and then into openings above the domes. We had a bird's eye view of everyone walking below us as we transitioned into the different domes quickly.

The more I was away from my friends, the angrier I got. Impulsively, I started screaming, "Hey! Let me go! I didn't do anything!" But the giant ignored me.

Minutes passed. I started feeling a burn on my shoulder where the giant was holding on tightly. Looking down, I felt like I was going back to where I started my journey in hell. The castles began turning into towers. The hallways were becoming larger with more people, and everything was louder.

More minutes passed. The pain increased and I could feel myself bleeding. We slowed down in front of an enormous tower. Everyone below me was scattering around like ants. A window opened up from the tower but I couldn't see inside of it. We were high above everyone, and if I fell, I would easily be obliterated upon impact. The giant threw me into the opening as I flew through and hit the ground hard.

I stood up and yelled, "Hey! What are you doing!?"

The giant grunted one last time and flew away as the door closed quickly behind it.

Once again I was in a small empty room by myself.

*

The door opened from the other side of the room. Shoes echoed off the hard floor as two smiling men entered the room. They had short blonde hair with light skin and were dressed in a suit and tie. Their shoulders were erect and displayed a confident posture.

I sat on a bench along the wall, knowing I wasn't going to like them.

"Hello James!" said the man to my left. He made a gun gesture with his hand pretending to shoot it my way.

"Now what the hell am I doing here?" I'm sure my eyes hadn't recovered from crying. I wiped them off, trying to hide any sadness.

"You mean heck," corrected the other man. He fiddled with his front pocket while maintaining a grin. A name tag was clipped on his suit.

"Whatever," I said. I now realized I was dealing with someone religious. Cursing made them feel nervous which threatened their progress towards God. I wanted to ask how an impulsive utterance that displayed great emotion became forbidden.

The other suited man lifted up his hand to put on my shoulder, "I am Elder Anderson and this is Elder Parker."

I turned my shoulder away so he could not make contact with it. Both the elders were the same size. Elder Anderson had a smaller cheekbone and some freckles were spread over his face.

Elder Anderson continued, "You are very lucky James. For you are blessed and have the opportunity to receive knowledge and faith through the Church of Latter Day Saints. There are people like you who live their entire life without knowing the gospel. You are given the opportunity to accept a baptism so you may join us in heaven."

Elder Parker followed, "After you died, your lineage was made light to us from your family. Your family cares deeply for you. Although you have died, your family on earth can request a baptism for you. In this process you will be able to come to heaven. Your kingdom awaits you."

"I don't have much of a family," I was confused, "I'm sorry, who are you with?"

"We are elders from the Church of Latter Day Saints. The Mormons. You have family with our church and your uncle has decided that you shall have the choice to be baptized. We won't force anything upon you, and it's your decision to accept this; but if you do not accept, you will go back to hell." The Elder took out a picture from his front pocket. "You don't know your uncle Greg?" The picture was of a man in a suit and tie. He had his arm around another man who was not looking into the camera.

It all made sense now. I knew that man was crazy. I never knew much of his church and what was entailed in it, but I remembered that he informed me about Mormonism and mentioned that 'it would be good for me.' He eventually ended our conversation by trying to baptize me. He even tried sending Elders to where I lived every week. I pretended that I was not around by hiding until they left. Uncle Greg was still bugging me even after I was dead.

I replied, "Yes I do remember him. So I have a choice? Can you take me back to my friends in hell?" I wanted to go back to Jennifer, Jason, and Elizabeth, but I didn't know how I was going to find them.

Elder Anderson took out a bible, "Like we said, you have a choice to return to hell. You will go back to where you started, but we can't promise you that your friends will be there when you return. Or, you can live by the gospel and be rewarded. However, if you accept, you will be attending classes and be learning about our faith every day. What you will find is that our gospel teaches the very essence of why you are here. But because there are so many religions out there, we have to share heaven and hell. But we Mormons are able to separate our section of heaven into kingdoms. You will see once you come to our kingdoms, we do things differently than all other religions."

I didn't like how they were both smiling at me. They continued to crowd my space with engaging effort for me to pay attention. I wanted them to back away from me, or push me off of the tower.

Elder Anderson continued, "You will no longer suffer in hell. You will no longer feel pain, hunger, or discomfort. You will learn about the gospel and will have purpose in your soul. We're here to help you understand to make the right decision because we don't want you to go back to hell. What do you say James? Are you willing to accept this invitation?"

Elder Parker assured, "We will inform you with any questions necessary."

Elder Anderson followed, "And I don't know about your friends, James. We are not here for them. We are here for you."

I felt like I was up against the wall. On one hand, I could reject and continue to feel miserable and wander around hell by myself, or I could try something new.

"Could I bring my friends with me? Do you know a Jennifer—"

"James... One of the many messages of our gospel is for every soul to find a relationship with god. You would have the opportunity to help anyone you want get into heaven once you are in heaven. Of course they need to accept the gospel," Elder Anderson paused, "Let's focus on you for now."

"You won't be able to help your friends if you go back to hell," followed Elder Parker.

I stuttered, not knowing how to respond to his remark. I was mainly fed up with all the bullshit I was going through. "How does it feel to not feel pain or hurt?" I asked.

"It's just the beginning but you need to find out yourself," Elder Parker replied.

"There is no pain," added Elder Anderson.

"I don't know what you want me to do, but I'm just tired. I don't know what's going on anymore," I said exhausted.

Elder Anderson could tell I was contemplating. "Sit down James, and we will explain everything."

*

Tired, sad, helpless, and with no other choice, I had agreed to baptism. I was signing over my life to become a Mormon. If I couldn't find Jennifer in hell, I could possibly find her from heaven, like the elders found me. Then I could bring Jason and Elizabeth with me, if they accepted. The elders informed me that they had the power to search for anyone in hell.

We were not going to turn into skeletons.

After finishing with Elder Anderson and Parker, another Elder came in to discuss more stipulations. He had a much older look to him and had a clean cut goatee. He asked me ridiculous questions about my life that was irrelevant to my situation now. I didn't know why he had to know if I had a major drug problem or if I was a homosexual. It seemed like a touchy subject to them, and I knew if I were one or the other, they would have rejected me. The Elder made me feel uncomfortable, but I told him what he wanted to hear. I figured this was a way for me to escape hell and avoid suffering.

"Will I see God?" I asked the Elder.

"James. You have much to see. There are many ways to communicate with God. One of the many ways is through prayer. He will be in your life forever."

Elder Anderson and Elder Parker walked into the room. They both cradled open bibles in their hands.

"Except that a man be born of water and of the Spirit, he cannot enter into the kingdom of God," cited Elder Anderson, "To enter the kingdom of god, you must be baptized. We went over everything, James. How to prey, how to read scripture, and all the requirements were made clear to you. You must always carry scripture with you. Do you understand James?"

Elder Anderson placed the book in my lap. His hand passed through mine.

I nodded my head yes and turned the book around so I could read the cover. Everything was printed so small and the pages were like crisp leaves.

We had been in the room for hours and I was feeling anxious to leave, but I stayed put and followed directions. I adjusted the collar that was firmly around my neck.

"Excellent James," replied Elder Parker. The elders were full of too much joy. I hated it.

"James? We want you to lead a prayer before we move on. Can you do that?" Elder Anderson asked.

I sighed, despising the idea of speaking in front of people, especially when it was quiet and there was an expectation for insightful words. The pressure made me timid and unable to think, "Well, I don't know..."

"You can do it James," Elder Parker assured, "Remember what we said about prayer? Start by saying dear heavenly father; you want to thank thee, ask thee, and end in the name of Jesus Christ. Amen."

It was silent for a moment.

"Um, I don't know," I felt embarrassed but also knew they were counting on me.

The older elder gave me a displeased look.

"Ok, I'll try... I guess," I said weakly.

"That's the spirit James!" cheered Elder Anderson.

"You can do it!" applauded Elder Parker.

The Elders bunched in a circle with their heads looking down at the floor. I shuffled my feet anxiously to the dead silence as the elders waited for me to start.

"Um, ok." I didn't want to say anything wrong or something that would offend them. I tried my best to think of something easy and to the point. I thought of what a good person would say and let it out. "Dear... Heavenly Father... We thank thee for being alive... and... you guys with me... and... We ask thee... for help... In the name of Jesus Christ. Amen." I felt like I was talking to myself. I totally bombed it.

"Very good James! You are learning!" Elder Anderson said with astonishment.

"We will work on that more, but for now, let's schedule your baptism," said Elder Parker.

The door opened again as everyone turned their heads recognizing the disturbance. A giant walked in holding what looked to be scissors in its hand. The scissors looked small in his massive hand, but when the giant moved the clippers in front of my face, they were the size of my arm.

My heart started beating fast. I didn't want to see anymore giants; they reminded me of all that was evil. It walked through the Elders and kneeled in front of me.

"Everything is alright James. This kind sir is going to remove your collar," said Elder Anderson.

The giant grabbed my collar and pulled my head in to its ugly face. Within seconds, the giant sliced off the collar as it clattered to the ground. The giant stood to its feet and walked through the happy Elders. I could hear it grunt as it slammed the door. While gazing at the metal contraption on the ground, I put my hands around my neck, relieved I was not contained. The air passed around my neck giving it a chilling sensation.

The Elders walked up closer to me with a sense of accomplishment on their faces. Elder Anderson spoke up, "James, your soul will be filled with everlasting peace and joy. You made the right decision."

"I hope so," I said with little confidence. An overwhelming sensation of exhaustion rushed through my body. Every blink was delayed blackness and slowly was turning into sleep. "Why do I feel so tired?"

"Your collar was removed which prevented you from sleep. Don't be afraid to close your eyes. When you awake, we will commence you baptism."

I dropped my head slowly with an anticipated response but everything turned into blackness.

*

While comfortably lying back, my eyes opened slowly to a polished room that reflected light over the bed. My head was perched above the blanket which rested on the middle of a velvet pillow. I folded the blanket off me and sat up curiously to look around. As I stretched my arms up, I noticed I was dressed in a white robe. I was well rested but still had an ache in my stomach from hunger. My throat was dry and stomach growled with emptiness.

Brightness reflected off the walls and onto my skin, filling it with warmth. I didn't understand where the lights were coming from, but I could feel its omnipresence. The room was spacious and didn't have the congesting inconveniences like the previous rooms I had stayed in. None of the walls had markings or any deterioration, but were decorative and made for a king. Gold trim was embroidered around the double doors at the far side of the room.

Relieved to have my collar off, I inhaled a deep breath and followed with a slow exhale. To my right, a noise was coming from the light brown door that had a unique glass handle. I identified the creaking sound as wheels as it approached the other side of the door.

The creaking stopped.

I expected a giant to burst through with a collar ready to take me back to hell, but instead a well dressed man appeared with a suit and tie pushing a wheeled cart. On the top was an assortment of food and beverages. I wanted to eat it all.

He stopped the cart in front of my bed. "Enjoy James. You must have nourishment before you are baptized. This will be your last meal so take every bite in. When you are finished you may enter the double doors ahead of you." He pointed towards two white doors with the gold trim at the head of the room. The man left the cart in front of my bed and exited the room. I heard him lock the door.

As soon as he was gone, I jumped from my bed and grabbed the first piece of food I could grab. I didn't know what I was eating, but it all tasted like a combination of meat and rice. There were carbonated drinks, water, and juices to wash the food down. Everything was full of zest as it poured down my body. I'm sure I was making groans with every satisfying taste of food that entered my mouth. It created fulfillment that I hadn't remembered since I was alive.

While I devoured my food, I inspected my robe. It was fluffy and soft, like a cloud was enveloped around me. I could feel my skin brush up against the smooth cloth on the inside. I also realized my hair had been trimmed, and for once, my body odor was neutral.

Everything was perfect.

After I indulged in the availability of food, I walked up to the double doors that were perfectly placed in the front of the room. I pushed the circular handles on the double doors and entered a room full of people sitting down. I continued walking as the doors quietly closed behind me. Everyone in the room was facing forward; only a few paying attention to my entrance. I walked the aisle that split the seats in half and led all the way down to Elder Anderson wading in a small pool. He was wearing the same robe as I was.

Each step was hesitant, but I continued to approach the small pool. I knew that I was the main attraction for the ceremony, and still, I couldn't believe I was going through with this. Row after row, I walked down the aisle, studying the unfamiliar faces observing my baptism. I felt like there was no turning back from the religious stipulations given forth to me, though the food and beverages were enough to keep my feet moving forward.

As I walked down the aisle, I noticed everyone was dressed in suits and ties. The women were clothed in long dresses. Many were praying while others were looking straight ahead. Nervousness struck through my body as my heart pumped blood through my veins with urgency to run.

My legs shook as I approached the small pool built into the ground. Elder Anderson was standing in the pool waist deep with one arm welcoming my entrance. He waited for me to step in. I walked to the side of the small pool where the steps were and dipped my feet in. I was expecting a cold temperature but it was warm. It seemed like I was guiding the ceremony with each movement I made. An abrupt stop would not be ideal, so I continued along with the ritual. My breathing increased and my palms started to sweat.

I entered the water with the last step bringing me waist deep. I awkwardly stood next to the Elder Anderson who guided me in closer with his hands. After I was in the appropriate place, I looked up and noticed everyone was staring at me. Many had smiles and others were emotionless to our display. It was unusual that dipping someone's head underwater was considered something important. It made me regret that I had entered the room.

Elder Anderson grabbed my wrist and then lifted his other hand in the air. Once our hand placement was established, Elder Anderson readjusted his hand for a better grip, and then held both my hand in place. I felt like a mindless outcast ready to be accepted by society. The only sound that was present was the water dropping from our hands.

The Elder Anderson spoke my name, "James Taylor, having been commissioned of Jesus Christ, I baptize you in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Ghost. Amen."

His hand moved to my back and guided me down, immersing me underwater. It was like I was under a river and the current was viciously colliding onto my body.

The second I was underwater felt like an hour.

Heaven

Walking out into the secluded green forest gave me time to get away from church. I didn't have to read the bible or pray to myself. I could hear what I wanted, which was nothing at all. Every time I walked through the forest I would venture out just a little farther than last time, following the route I normally took with eagerness to go somewhere new. There would be new paths and scenery I hadn't seen before, though much of it was similar. The oversized leaves on the trees never fell off to cover the green grass. A lost leaf would indeed be an anomaly. My feet treaded the padded surface of the forest ground, without worry of stepping on a sharp rock or splinter.

My favorite relaxing area was a waterfall I stumbled upon some time back. The trees and bushes formed perfectly around the edge of the pond. The waterfall was supported by dark brown boulders that were at least thirty feet high and meshed well with the exotic trees. I hadn't yet explored behind the waterfall, but it was something I wanted to do. The water was bright blue as it swayed outward onto the shore. My toes mashed into the sand as I slowly walked waist deep and swept my fingers through the calm commotion of water. The water was neither hot nor cold when I was in the pond or when I got out. Everything was neutral but never uncomfortable. I found a shallow part where I could sit down with my shoulders above the water, and closed my eyes in relaxation. I pictured Jennifer. I wanted to open my eyes and have her sitting next to me. I missed talking to her.

I let the constant flow of water guide my thoughts.

"James!"

I jumped up tense and turned around angrily. It was Brandon.

"What are you doing James?" asked Brandon.

God dammit. I hated Brandon. "Nothing, just getting away."

"I didn't mean to startle you," he smiled wily, "but I followed you through the forest to see where you were going. I don't think I've ever been this far. Pretty nice setup you found." His permanent smile made me want to kick his teeth in.

I couldn't believe he had followed me to my spot. Now everyone was going to know. "You're right. This is a nice place," I said looking back at the waterfall and began to plot in my head other routes I hadn't taken. I would have to be more careful next time so nobody followed me while I searched for a new spot.

"Listen James..." Brandon kneeled down trying not to get his shoes wet, "I know how hard it might be right now. I'm sure the transition from hell to heaven is a hard thing. If you need any extra help, I am always here for you. And I know you will learn to love to dress like us. Where is your suit and tie anyways?" Brandon lifted up his eyebrows and maintained a concerned look on his face.

"I'm fine Brandon." In actuality I wasn't. "I was just checking out the scenery." I realized that I was in my undershirt and boxers. I looked behind me to check that my suit was still where I had put it. I had it carelessly placed on a rock. "It's over there," I pointed, "I didn't want to get it wet."

"Ok James. And keep up the classes too," he winked at me, "And how is your praying?"

"It's good." I hated praying. "Always doing it in my classes 'n stuff."

"Remember James. The most important relationship you can have is with God. Nobody can take that away from you."

"Thanks Brandon." I wanted him to go away.

I remembered he was one of the Elders who confirmed me. He and a bunch of other priests put their hands on top of my head, stated my name, and bestowed the gift of the Holy Ghost to me. Everything always ended in Jesus' name. Being a new member meant that everyone had to meet you, ask about your life, and always finished the mindless chit chat of how 'I found god.' But at least I wasn't the center of attention anymore. I thought I was going to meet God or Jesus at my confirmation, and even though I didn't, I was still being told that I could meet him any minute. I also was not at the status of many Mormons like Brandon who had access to the celestial kingdom.

They gave me a wardrobe of the same old boring clothes. I had an infinite amount of different ties, and I always wore slacks with a white long sleeved dress shirt. It was nice to disrobe when I had the chance.

"How's your family James? You still haven't told us about them. I'm sure they would want to be baptized?"

"I dunno. I don't know much about them. I wouldn't know where to start." I wanted this conversation to be finished.

"I have an idea James! When we get back, we can go search your lineage and find them," Brandon said with excitement.

"Whatever Brandon." I started to get up. I didn't want to be mean, but I didn't like talking. I was already planning to find Jennifer, Jason, and Elizabeth in hell.

"By the way, everyone is playing a real exciting game of dodge-ball tonight. You in?"

I didn't want to say no but I also wanted to be left alone. "Sure I'll catch up with everyone later."

Brandon stood there for a moment. I knew he wanted to walk back together, but I stayed put in the water exchanging looks with him.

Brandon finally stood up. "Ok James, see you in a little bit."

I turned back to watch the waterfall.

I needed to find my friends in hell and share the blue water with them. I wanted to hear what Jason had to say about it and then Elizabeth chime in with something witty. Jennifer's face was always in my head, and although we disagreed a lot, I enjoyed talking with her. They were somewhere in hell trapped with annoying collars around their necks.

I had been in heaven for over three months, and the repetition of attending church and playing games was exhausting. I couldn't relate to one person. Part of the reason was because I didn't want to open up, but at least everyone was friendly. However, they got testy if I questioned why they did what they did.

I was sent to a singles ward where all the single Mormons stayed. I was told to find a woman to marry and live with her for the rest of time. It was an unreasonable proposition for me. I was then told to attend every conference, meeting, and congregation. The worst of it was that I couldn't back out or have an excuse not to go. I couldn't even say I was sick because nobody ever got sick.

I was always surrounded by Mormons. Even at night, I had to bunk with them, and the idea of God never got old. There was never much alone time for me, which I had cherished when I was alive. I now valued my free time to visit the forest and be in solitude. Most of church life was easy, but time consuming. I felt useless and had a lack of motivation for any activity I participated in and counted the minutes for it to be over. Needless to say, I didn't fit in.

What I hated the most were baptized babies. These were babies or any child who had died but were baptized by the family. To me, they were useless. The babies would take the body form of an adult, but they didn't have the mental capacity to function. Their souls had never fully developed and they were always in need of help. I hated sitting next to a baby-adult when they cried in church. It was a common courtesy to help the crying baby-adult if you were next to him or her. They didn't have any problems of hunger and pain because it was nonexistent but they cried because that was what babies did. I couldn't imagine bunking with the baby-adults. To hear a grown man cry like a baby was absurd. Their uncoordinated movements resulted in them falling down on numerous occasions.

However, I got the feeling that most women would rather marry a dumb baby-adult than me. I didn't care. There were attractive women everywhere in the singles ward, but they were all unfortunately intolerable. I couldn't relate to them and they were easy to offend. Everyone looked to be in their mid-twenties, but I was one of the few who truly were my age. Many were over one hundred years old going on twenty two. I could never tell unless I noticed their speech and mannerisms.

I was bunked with three Mormons that had unfortunate accidents and had died at an early age. There was Cody who died in a motorcycle accident. He told me his story how he flew off his bike and collided into a street pole, instantly splitting him in half. He was an inspiring mechanic until his incident. He now sat in the bunk above me only talking about bikes and God. Tony was on the lower bunk across from me. He had a bigger build because he was a wrestler. Apparently his heart was not strong enough because he had a heart attack during a match. He talked only about sports and God. My third roommate was John, the young one in our room. He died at age 15 drowning in his Grandmas' pool. It turned out her pool was not as deep as John thought when he jumped head first into the water. John talked only about God.

I wasn't looking forward to returning back to our room and having meaningless conversation. I also remembered that I was expected to show my face for the dodge-ball game. I thought maybe I could sneak past everyone and go to sleep. Sleeping became an art for me and it was enjoyable because my dreams were more realistic and memorable. When I was alive, sleep was disjointed and confusing, but in heaven, everything made sense because I had control of what I dreamt. I was the commander in my dream world, without the fears or abnormalities I had experienced when I was alive.
The older Elders who had been around for many years did not sleep. Everyone had a choice, but most of the newcomers needed to follow their usual sleeping patterns until they got used to heaven. We were told that we would eventually be weaned from sleep, since less time sleeping meant more time learning the gospel. Once bedtime was no longer desired, they had limitless time to teach, convert, or visit hell to convert the captives. Many were oblivious to the fact that people in hell didn't have the luxury to rest. For me, sleep had now become a regained amenity for me.

Darkness settled in as the sizzling sun disappeared over the horizon. The twilight sky opened up the billions of stars that shined over the forest. The sky was extraordinary at night, reminding me how vast and beautiful the universe was. It made me realize I had never paid attention to the sky when I was alive.

I climbed up to my pile of wrinkled clothes on the top of the hill. After shaking out my dress pants, I set them in front of my legs. There were creases everywhere and grass stains along the back. My suit probably looked the same.

I changed into my formal wear with my underclothes still wet underneath. I buttoned up my shirt and zipped up my pants. They usually dried out on the walk back, since I usually took my time exploring the forest. I straightened my tie and quickly put it around my neck. I was becoming an expert at tying a tie, but it wasn't self important.

I thought about Jennifer, Jason, and Elizabeth on the walk back. I was waiting to get approval to visit hell with the Elders. There was a schedule for when Elders would go to hell and teach everyone the gospel. I remembered seeing the transparent Elders in hell who had the ability to walk through walls and people. With that ability, we could locate my friends. I was sure of it. Part of me also wondered if my friends had ever successfully found the beginning of hell.

I brushed the leaves from my face as I walked through the designated paths in the forest. I was always able to point out the church because I could see the high steeple point up in the distance. The outside lights were on and I could hear applauding and cheering in the distance from everyone playing dodge-ball. I tried to think of a way to sneak around everyone so I could go to sleep. Many were blocking the door I needed to enter. I knew they would force me to make useless social contact.

There were over a hundred people outside on the cement court that were in front of the church. Others watched from the side cheering everyone on. I must have missed the beginning prayer that everyone participated in before the game; that would have been a good time to sneak past everyone while their eyes were closed and looking down.

The church building coincided with the dorms I was trying to enter, and it was a slim chance that I could get through without notice. From a distance, I plotted how to get to the doors with the round handles. I stepped out from the wilderness trying to stay as much as I could in the dark. I was ducking my head down trying not to be noticed.

As I advanced into the light, I felt more vulnerable to being seen. I passed behind a few Mormons who didn't notice me but were focused on the game. I walked behind another group of people, but luckily, I didn't talk to most of the people in the ward, so they wouldn't stop to talk with me. I also was not considered 'new' anymore despite the fact that l was still a novice in the Mormon world.

I could see Cody and Tony waiting on the sideline to get back into the game. They both had wavy blond hair that was combed over their foreheads. It was like they got out of bed and their hair naturally formed with finesse. Tony was obviously bigger and stronger than Cody but it seemed Cody fit the personality of a larger more dominant person than Tony's personality of a soft and modest person. Tony did not fulfill his reputation of a big guy and Cody as a smaller guy. Nevertheless, the two were inseparable.

I passed by a crowd screaming the name Bruno. Bruno was an adult baby that had died at an early age. It was more of a toddler-adult stuck in the terrible twos forever. I took a quick glance and saw the gangly adult fall down on the ball. He quickly stood up unbalanced, throwing the ball to the other side. Just like any two year old, Bruno threw the ball without accuracy or force. The ball rolled on the ground, almost passing the half court line. Bruno tried to run after it, but stumbled and fell again. I could tell no one wanted to throw a fast ball at him; it would be frowned upon.

I sneaked past a few people sitting on the stairs. I noticed a few from my classes but I never talked to them. There were two girls I hadn't noticed before and a red headed boy whose name was Tucker. I accidently bumped my shoulder against his back. "Sorry," I said politely. I kept my head forward denying any opportunistic response from him. I kept my eyes on the double doors.

Two more steps and I would be at the door—

"Wait! James!" A female voice yelled.

I lunged towards the door.

"James!" The voice yelled again.

I grasped the door handle but I felt a hand gently touch my shoulder. I tensed up and turned around with disappointment.

It was Angela. My disappointment turned into an innocent blush.

Angela was new to the single ward. Even though she was Mormon her entire life, she was recently divorced; she called it a temple sealing cancellation. She was beautiful. She had straight blond hair with perfect blue eyes, which made it difficult to shift my eyes to her stunning body. She had a natural look to her and didn't have one negative attribute. She made me feel like I was missing out on everything in life. I wanted to run my fingers through her hair and just look at her for more than a quick embarrassing moment. She was always wearing tight shorts with a colorful work out shirt. She must have had three tank tops underneath, but I didn't know if she was self conscious or just didn't want to display any vanity.

"Where ya going James?" she asked curiously.

"I think I'm going to sleep," I looked at her black running shoes.

"You're going to miss the ultimate show-down between the boys and girls. You don't want to represent the boys of this ward?" she giggled after she had challenged me.

"I wouldn't be a good contribution to the game. Plus, I think even Bruno would beat me," I joked.

Her smile turned to confusion with her eyebrows scrunching in.

My comment must have upset her. "But, not to say that Bruno is bad or anything," I quickly responded back. I hated when I thought I said something wrong and everyone was silent and I wouldn't know if what I said was bad or not.

"It's ok James. Well... If ya want, you know where to find us," Angela replied. She turned her back and walked down the stairs towards the game. I felt infatuated in her presence as my eyes followed every bodily movement. I didn't know what else to say to someone so beautiful.

I stood there for another minute watching Angela walk away. I needed to go to sleep and get away from these Mormons. I was never tired but always wanted to sleep. I grabbed on the door handle and stepped inside the small hallway. The roaring of the crowd slowly faded with the door closing behind me. I rounded the corner of the hall looking into each room that I passed by. Most were empty with a few Mormons walking outside to catch the game. I hated all male dorms. There was something strange about male camaraderie that I hated.

"How you doin James!" shouted one of the Mormons passing by quickly. He had a short buzz cut and was a little taller than I was. I forgot his name.

I followed the corridor down a way to enter my room, but it was closed. _Number 113_. I turned the knob and slowly opened the door, hoping John was not inside. Perhaps he was hooked up and fast asleep in his own religious world.

John was on his back reading the bible. "Hey James!" he acknowledged my entrance with excitement.

"Hi John," I murmured and walked over to my bottom bunk. I took a seat and stared at the ground for a moment. Sometimes, I enjoyed staring at the ground without thinking of anything or anyone.

"Check this out James." John moved out his bed and over to me.

My eyes looked up with a lackadaisical sense, not interested in what was about to come out of his mouth. "What?" I asked as I exhaled slowly and slouched my shoulders down.

"I just read something spectacular that you need to look at. I feel closer to god than ever after reading this." He had his bible open and set it in front of me to read.

"John... I think I'm just going to say a prayer and go to sleep," I replied, stopping him from further explanation. I didn't want to pray or read the bible, but it would get John to return to his side of the room.

"No problem James," John replied, "I'm gonna put it up on the board so you can read it in the morning." I could hear chalk being scribbled on the board.

I took my tie off and unbuttoned my suit. I replaced it with a more comfortable loose shirt and switched my pants to shorts. I threw my formal wear into the dirty basket and my tie in the closet. I inspected my sleeping helmet that was set on top of my bed sheets and switched it on. My sleep helmet was my savior.

"Oh James, I forgot," John said as he finished writing on board, "The Elders next door are doing a visit to hell tomorrow and I remembered that you were talking about going."

I straightened up with interest, "Really? How do I go with them?"

"If you ask, I'm sure they will let you go with them. And you've been on the list for some time. It's something we will eventually be doing ourselves," John smiled. He walked over to the computer. "Let's see..."

I could finally search for the whereabouts of Jennifer, Jason, and Elizabeth if the elders were going. I desperately needed to reunite with them.

"Yep," John confirmed, "They will be heading out at six in the morning. Most are pretty nice about letting you join them."

I set my sleep helmet for five-thirty.

John was typing on the computer. He started chuckling to himself. "Hey James, did you get the video I sent you?" His chuckling persisted.

"Um... No John, I don't really go on Mormon-web," I said with my helmet in my hands.

"You really should. I sent you a video of last week's hacky sack race. You totally ate it man!"

"Hmm... I'll be sure to watch it then."

"You better." John scratched the back of his head and moved back towards the board. He rested his hand on his chin and studied what he had written.

I folded the covers back and snuggled my feet underneath the covers. I leaned back and rested my head on my pillow, looking at the top bunk directly over me. I moved the helmet onto my chest.

I heard John move back towards his bed as he started flipping through his bible.

He stopped.

"James?"

"Yes John," I replied, preparing to put on my helmet.

"You want to say a prayer with me before you go to sleep?" He was relentless.

"I just prayed John, but we will tomorrow night. Ok?" I lied.

"Sounds good James! Good night and sleep tight!"

I took the helmet off of my chest and pulled it onto my head. I immediately zoomed into my dream world.

Fun time began...

*

The front of my helmet opened up to unveil my true reality of being in a four person room, particularly at the bottom of a bunk bed. The top bunk above me had an ugly flower design, adding to the distasteful environment. I always awakened with the disappointment of knowing I couldn't do what I did in my helmet. Before I was interrupted, I felt enlivened in my dream world as I flew over the lights of a busy city. I soared through the buildings, around the street lamps, and passed by windows of people inside their kitchens. While having complete control over everything, I flew up to the top of the roof and jumped to the next building. I felt like I was everywhere with everyone having the capability to be included in anything I wanted.

I set my helmet to the side of the bed and sat up to examine my surroundings. Cody, Tony, and John all had their heads inside their helmets, but they would be up soon. It was still dark but I could tell the sun was ready to rise. It was comforting to know that I couldn't wake someone up from their dream helmet. And luckily, this was the first time I had awoken before my roommates. They didn't know how important today was for me, because I was going to find my friends.

I walked around my bed to grab a new pair of formal wear. I went into the changing room to put on the same white long sleeve shirt and black slacks. I then went to the side closet that had over a hundred ties hanging on a coil and grabbed the first tie I saw. It was green with doodles of different sports equipment. I studied it for awhile and put it back for fear that everyone would ask me about my tie. It was better to have a plain one and not attract attention to anybody sociable, which was every Mormon. Instead, I grabbed a black tie and curled it tight around my neck.

I walked back to my bed to see if anything else was needed but I didn't have to eat, shower, or use the bathroom. Life was easy without having worry about every day inconveniences. I stopped in front of the board, remembering that John wrote something:

... _all things shall be restored to their proper and perfect frame... and no unclean thing can inherit the kingdom of god; but they are cast out, and consigned to partake of the fruits of their labors or their works , which have been evil; and they drink the dregs of a bitter cup._

Every sentence in the bible seemed ambiguously confident.

I laced my shoes and stood up to check the room one last time to make sure nothing else was needed. I glanced at John pleasantly curled in a ball. He looked so comfortable without worry.

I stepped out of my room and followed the hallway walls around the corner to the double doors that led out to the courtyard. Walking outside, the view from the empty courtyard was scenic and slightly higher than the unfettered forest that surrounded the city. I continued along a winding sidewalk and passed through the dorm buildings. The trees hanging over the path blocked the sky and most of the buildings. Benches were on the side for people to sit on and converse. Every time I passed by someone, I was always greeted and was expected to do the same, but I rarely did. I knew I was the least energetic Mormon in heaven.

Behind me, was where the temple was located. It was a giant square tower that was in the middle of an enormous park. I was unable to go inside, but I could view it from the side gates.

Two elders joyfully greeted me with a 'Good Morning' as they walked by.

I responded with a fake smile.

I finally reached my destination as the path widened into a courtyard with surrounding grass that led to a tower. It was the same tower that connected to hell. I remembered being forced to enter it by a flying giant when I was taken away from my friends. The tower was a light blue color in heaven but changed to black as it descended into hell. It gave the souls in heaven easy access to take the elevator down and work on converting the captives in hell. It seemed my life had changed since I accepted baptism and left my friends in hell. Now I was returning to where I started my death. It was difficult to accept that I was Mormon; I knew that wasn't who I was.

In front of the tower was a fountain with orange brick delicately placed around it. The flow of water colliding into the pool calmed my nerves and droned out the chatting group next to the fountain. They were sitting on the brick joking amongst each other and glanced my way with interest. I walked past them and took the stairs that lead up to the bright blue tower. On top of the stairs were two Elders. I continued up the stairs and waved my hands at them, attempting to catch their attention. I had a feeling I might be late and knew that punctuality was a formality. One Elder had his hands in his pockets listening to the other Elder describe something.

"Hey!" I yelled, "Wait for me!"

The Elder who was looking my way tapped his partner on the shoulder to advise him of my intrusion. They both waited for me to come closer.

I reached the top of the stairs, "Are you guys going to hell?"

To the left was Elder Brown who waved at me and shook his head yes. His partner Elder Thomas stared at me and put his hands on his waist. They both were tall with tan skin. They reminded me of the football jocks at one of my schools, and they clearly possessed an entitled sense of popularity.

Elder Thomas sized me up with a smirk, "Yes we are dude. What's your name?"

"I'm James," I stuck out my hand for a hand shake, "I'm looking for some friends... err family in hell. I feel like they are missing out on the gospel." I didn't care what it would take to find my friends.

"Well..." Elder Thomas was thinking, "You're one of the new converts, aren't you?"

"Yes I am," I said, surprised he knew of me.

"Do you know the rules?"

"I know most of them, but I know that I am supposed to stay with you the whole time. I promise I will obey anything you say." I stared up at the bright blue tower.

"Let's bring him along," suggested Elder Brown.

Elder Thomas looked into my eyes, causing me to quickly stare down.

"Ok dude. Stay with us," agreed Elder Thomas. He slapped me on the back and let out an annoying sporadic laugh. I knew he was the type of person who thought his own jokes were funny.

"Elder Brown will go over the rules with you brother. I suggest you listen to him James. I'm going to put your name in and we will get ready to go down to all those non-believers." Elder Thomas walked into one of many doors at the bottom of the bright blue tower.

Elder Brown broke the silence, "So... What's your story James? You're pretty much a new convert. How do you like everything so far?"

"It's good. I just miss my family that I'm hoping we will find today."

"How is your relationship with God?"

"It's... Good. I mean, I feel like it's just starting." I didn't like being asked questions about things I didn't know.

"That's great James," Elder Brown clapped his hands, "It will only get better with each day."

"What are the names of your family members?" asked Elder Brown.

"Jennifer, Jason, and Elizabeth. They are in hell. They are really good people and they deserve the best," I said with honesty.

"Well James..." said Elder Brown, "Let's not forget that they have to accept the gospel. Without faith, we do not have hope for our deaths."

"I know," I said.

"We will see what we can do," Elder Brown paused, "A helpful hint James. Make sure you listen to Elder Thomas. He can take things very seriously sometimes. He has good intentions though," he clarified.

"Like, he gets mad?"

"Sort of. It's nothing bad, but it just makes it easier to work with him."

"Ok gotcha," I said. Elder Brown seemed like a nice guy but his warnings about elder Thomas concerned me.

"Let's go save some people!" cheered Elder Brown, "You will learn a great deal today James. This is something you will eventually be doing."

I didn't want to think of that.

Elder Thomas walked out the door and waved us over.

"Come on James," encouraged Elder Brown.

We met up in front of the door. Elder Thomas put his hand on my shoulder. "Let us pray James." Both the Elders bowed their heads and placed their hands together behind them. I copied their movements.

"Dear heavenly father we thank thee for a wonderful day to have the opportunity to meet James and have him join us to teach the gospel to the souls seeking help. We ask thee to give us strength in and use the gospel to its best potential. We say this in the name of Jesus Christ. Amen."

Elder Brown followed with an Amen.

They both looked at me.

"Amen" I said quickly.

"You over at the singles ward by the forest, right?" asked Elder Thomas.

"Yes," I answered.

"Just checking dude."

"Oh James," said Elder Brown, "Since you've never been through a transparency wall, let me explain something it to you."

"Ah come on," interrupted Elder Thomas, "It would have been fun to watch him."

Elder Brown chuckled, "You will be going through a transparency wall. This makes your entire physical body transparent. Everyone will be able to see you, but they will not be able to touch you. We will be able to travel through hell with ease."

"And we will not have to touch anybody unholy," laughed Elder Thomas.

"They just need to be helped," corrected Elder Brown.

"Remember James," reiterated Elder Thomas, "Stay with us."

I followed them both inside the bright blue building.

The color inside was white but had numerous framed pictures of faces that circled around the interior walls. The pictures were in chronological order from the oldest to most recent. The faces on the older pictures were unsettling.

"Keep up James," said Elder Thomas.

I quickened my pace so I was close behind, almost between the elders.

After we passed through the lobby, we entered a narrow room with an elevator on the other side. In the middle of the room was a glass door with two elders standing on each side. I could see through the glass door but it was obviously the transparency wall that Elder Brown was talking about.

As we approached the transparency wall I could see my reflection but could also see the other side where more elders were guarding the elevator.

"Hello," Elder Thomas said to the elders in front of the wall.

"Brother Thomas! And Brother Brown! How are you guys!" shouted one of the elders.

"We are excellent!" responded Elder Thomas.

Everyone shook hands. I followed.

"What your name?" asked one of the elders, "Don't think I've seen you around."

"It's James."

"Nice to meet you. You heading down to do some work?"

Elder Thomas answered for me, "We sure are! We are going to teach the gospel for these lost souls!" exclaimed Elder Thomas.

"Good for you guys!" said another elder.

"Have a good time!" said another.

"We will!" replied Elder Thomas.

Elder Brown gave a high five to them all and then looked back at me. "Now this is the fun part James."

I watched Elder Thomas walk through the transparency wall. I didn't see any effect as he walked normally, motioning for us to follow. Elder Brown was next and walked straight through with no problem. I followed behind. I was slightly hesitant and waved my arm through the wall. Elder Thomas was laughing at me from the other side. I took a deep breath and walked through, but nothing happened. I felt normal, but what was most confusing was my sense of touch. I could not put my hands together or grab anything. I swiped my hand through my stomach which went straight through.

"Pretty cool! Isn't it?" said Elder Brown.

"It is," I focused on my hands waving back and forth through my body.

"Enough fun," said Elder Thomas with irritation, "Let go. Come on James."

"And our work day begins," stated Elder Brown.

I followed them into the elevator.

"Going down," said Elder Thomas.

For the second time, I was going to hell.

*

We had been inside the descending elevator for at least ten minutes. For most of our time, I was entertaining myself with my transparent hands. Elder Thomas was annoyed at me for moving around in the elevator.

As the doors opened, we walked out into an open room that resembled a loft. It was encased by windows to admire the view. There were couches and elegant round tables with binoculars hanging underneath. I followed the elders to the windows to look down.

"Feast your eyes on hell," stated Elder Thomas.

I could see crowds of bodies walking in different directions and bumping into each other. It reminded me of how miserable I was when I first went to hell. It was good to be safe but I still missed my friends. Our high view was impressive as I tried to zone in on individuals scampering through the crowd. I could relate to their disheartened state.

"At any time, we can view whoever, wherever. We can also see who's naughty or nice," smiled Elder Thomas, "Look at them all them down there."

"We can also be on the floor with everyone without being touched or harmed," Elder Brown added.

"Tell me James. How was hell for you?" asked Elder Thomas.

"Not fun, but I met some pretty cool people down there." I remembered all the strange people I had run into, and being scared of some that had approached me.

"People on the wrong path if you ask me," joked Elder Thomas.

I didn't laugh.

"We will help them," comforted Elder Brown.

Elder Thomas stepped forward. "There are different beliefs out there doing the same thing we are. There is only one righteous way and you were baptized into the right one James. God will be revealed and we will prevail. You will be rewarded James."

"Although we share heaven, we also have to share hell. I'm sure you have seen all the towers in hell. That belongs to other religions. We all work towards our common good," said Elder Brown.

"We do things different than other religions, but there is a good reason. A righteous reason," reiterated Elder Thomas.

I looked back through the window into the crowd. "So obviously there are people who belong in hell but there are a lot of nice people who don't."

"That is our job James. We will give them faith. Some may not have heard of us but we give them hope. Just how you were given hope and purpose," responded Elder Thomas.

"So who judges who has done right or wrong?" I asked.

"Who do you think James?" asked Elder Thomas. It was more of a rhetorical question for him.

"What matters is your devotion to Jesus Christ," said Elder Brown.

"You still have a lot to learn James. Maybe we will have you take more classes when we get back," suggested Elder Thomas.

Things seemed to backfire whenever I spoke my thoughts. I didn't want to take more classes on top of my already busy schedule. It didn't matter if someone had wronged someone or something in the world; they could still get into heaven as long as they had faith, but acceptance was difficult to understand. Perhaps some were luckier than others. It was strange how I was forgiven for everything I had done, not even knowing I had sinned.

"So how can we find my family so we can talk to them?" I asked.

"What was the name of the girl you were talking about?"

"Jennifer," I replied quickly.

"Last name?" Elder Brown asked.

"I don't think..." I realized I didn't know it.

"You don't know her last name? Isn't she family?" asked Elder Thomas.

"More like friend, but I don't know her last name," I confessed.

"How do you suppose we find her then?" asked Elder Thomas spitefully, "We can't do anything if we don't have a last name. That's how we put it in our database and locate her through her collar. Sorry dude." He walked over to a couple Elders hanging out on the other side of the room.

"She has long hair and Jeans..." I yelled, trying to regain Elder Thomas's attention.

Elder Brown interrupted, "James... We cannot find her if we don't know her information. There are billions of people in hell. And I'm having trouble understanding if what you are saying is true. So is she a friend, or family?"

"Sort of family... They are going to the very start of hell. Maybe we could check out where they were?"

"I'm sorry James, but there wouldn't be much of a point. Hell is far too big. We will never find her."

I tried to remember what Jason and Elizabeth's last name was. I couldn't believe I never listened or asked for any last names. Frustration began to defeat me, and Elder Thomas was exasperating it all.

Elder Brown continued, "You can still come along with us. Your only chance to find them would be to look them up and see if any of your friends ever went through us to try to join our religion. But it still leaves a lot of names since we don't have any last names."

I looked down in disappointment and knew Elder Brown was only trying to help me, whereas Elder Thomas didn't give a shit.

"Do you think there's a chance?" I asked.

"You never know James. We will keep an eye open for anybody with her name. We are down here at least five times a week." Elder Brown put his hand behind my back without touching it.

"And Jason and Elizabeth. Don't forget," I said.

"We will James," confirmed Elder Brown, "There are so many people in need of the gospel. They will find a way if they have faith. And Jason and Elizabeth are friends too?"

"Yes," I replied.

I knew it was difficult to maintain faith while in hell. Jennifer was still looking for her sister while Jason and Elizabeth were searching for some way to enter heaven. I was perturbed I couldn't remember their last name to locate them.

"Please keep an eye out," I urged.

"C'mon James. Let's go do some work of the lord," insisted Elder Brown.

I knew he was trying to cheer me up, but that was the least thing I wanted to do. We walked back over to Elder Thomas who was laughing with some other Elders.

Elder Thomas gave us a nod, "You guys ready? We got a lot of interviews to do today."

"We are ready," replied Elder Brown.

"You ready James?" Elder Thomas asked me.

"Sure."

"Say it with excitement!" responded Elder Thomas.

Elder Brown cut in, "He's just a little sad he won't find his friends."

"Well, tell him to remember his friend's last name," said Elder Thomas, "No offense James."

I didn't say anything, knowing he was mocking me.

"C'mon James," Elder Brown waved his hand towards another Elevator, "Let's go to the interview room."

I followed them both to the elevator and studied the way Elder Thomas walked. His broad shoulders swayed with each step he took with his back staying upright. We stepped through the doors and turned around together facing outward. I was now in front of the two Elders. I didn't want to turn around and chat but I knew they were looking at me, so I anxiously waited for the elevator doors to open.

Elder Thomas cleared his throat. "So James, have you ever _taught_ the gospel?"

I kept my head forward. "Not yet, but it looks like I'm about to." I didn't mean for it to sound sarcastic but I knew Elder Thomas would take it that way.

Elder Brown said, "Just speak with your heart and you will do fine."

I continued to look forward wanting the door to open. I started to uncontrollably tap my foot and thought of Jennifer's face on the elevator wall.

The door finally opened.

Elder Thomas immediately stepped in front of me and turned left through a small hallway. Elder Brown walked next to me wanting to say something but held it in. The inside of the tower was soothing compared to the outside that was unwelcoming. The hallway walls were blue with sparkles resembling stars and the doors had spirited pictures of jubilation.

We passed three doors, and at the fourth, Elder Thomas stopped and turned around. "Let's do this." He opened the door as we followed behind.

A smaller man with brown curly hair was sitting in a chair with his head down and his hands on the side of his head. He looked up momentarily and then gazed back to the ground.

"Hi Monty," greeted Elder Thomas.

The room was similar to where I was dropped off by the flying giant. The haunted memory made me feel like I was on the other side. Monty remained in his shriveled position as the two elders sat down on two chairs in front of him. I stood behind them, close to the wall.

"How are you doing Monty?" asked Elder Brown.

"Not good," Monty mumbled into the ground with his shoulders slouched.

I watched the elders start a prayer for Monty. They waited a moment, and after Monty pushed his hands together, they ducked their heads while I studied Monty.

After the prayer, Monty looked up. His eyes were full of tears with eyes scrunched in, forming wrinkles on his forehead.

"My name is Elder Thomas and this is Elder Brown. Behind us is James who is a new convert."

Monty was hesitant to speak, "Hi..." His eyes turned to me, "Hi James."

I nodded my head and gave him a smile. I didn't know what I was going to say if I was asked by the elders to teach something.

"We are here today to help you progress into our kingdom. You have been picked out of many to learn the gospel. There are many terrible influences when you are surrounded by non-believers and different religions. You took a step onto the righteous path Monty," said Elder Thomas.

"We want to help you make the right decision," followed Elder Brown.

Monty responded, "I just want to live in peace. I have tried other religions throughout hell that are available and you kind elders were good enough to accept my request. I thank you for that."

"We will help you find peace with Jesus Christ," said Elder Thomas.

"Why did you choose to find faith through our church?" asked Elder Thomas.

Monty didn't respond for a moment. He exhaled, "I don't know. There is so much down here and so many people preaching to us. I want to find peace and be with my family. It has been years since I've seen my brothers and sisters. I miss them..."

"And where are they?" asked elder Brown.

"I don't know. I want them to be with me and have a better life. I have never been religious until I went to hell. I want purpose."

"How have you been maintaining your relationship with your lord?" asked Elder Thomas.

"I pray. I pray that I am together with my family and it fills me with comfort. I... I don't feel complete without them."

"Would you be willing to be baptized? asked Elder Brown.

Monty responded quickly, "Yes. Anything to get me out of hell."

"Baptism is the first step. You are in the lowest of three kingdoms. You will be where James is if you are baptized," said Elder Thomas.

Monty's eyes gazed back to me.

I gave him a small wave not knowing what else to say.

"James, what can you say of your experience?" Elder Thomas called me out.

I was fully content sitting in the back but I had to think fast. "Um... There are a lot of influences out there... err... I mean... I feel better now. I am no longer hungry. I don't feel pain..."

"Can you tell Monty how you accepted the gospel?" pried Elder Thomas. I knew he was trying to get me to say something inspiring.

"I was baptized because of my uncle. He's the reason I am here." I didn't know what else to say.

Elder Brown intervened. "I think what James is trying to say is that there are a lot of things that are the devils work. Especially in hell we are forced to be around all kinds of people. It is our choice to give in to it. By applying the gospel, we can keep everything away from us."

I could see Elder Thomas rolling his eyes as he starred back at me. He looked back to Monty. "We want to make sure you stay committed to the gospel for eternity. According to your file you have tried to accept the teachings of many forms of Christianity, Catholicism, and even Muslim?"

"Yes, it is true. I didn't know what to do. The availability of religions is hard to come by in hell. My main goal is to find peace, and I know that I will find peace through the gospel with you. I desperately am ready to accept Jesus Christ into my life," Monty said. He slouched his shoulders again.

"And so you will be accepted," said Elder Thomas.

Elder Brown stood up, "I want to reiterate with what James was saying."

I was unaware that I said anything useful.

Elder Brown grabbed a marker from his pocket. "I want you to tell me what you think of this."

Elder Brown began drawing a stick person on the desk with Monty's name over it. He then drew a box around the stick person and put bars in the box making it look like he was trapped in a jail. On the outside, Elder Brown drew a big fish. At second glance, it looked more like a shark. He then drew waves over the top making it look like he was trapped in the ocean.

"What does this look like to you?" asked Elder Brown.

"Umm... Someone in a box... or... maybe a man stuck in a cell?" replied Monty.

"You could look at it that way," replied Elder Brown, "Or you could look at it as protection from the outside world. Being in this little cage can be a good thing. It symbolizes how staying on track with the gospel can keep you away from the bad influences that are out there. If you never leave the cage, then you will never be susceptible to sin. What can you do to not leave the cage?"

Monty replied with his shoulders straightening with his words, "Praying, reading scripture, and staying truthful?"

"Excellent Monty!" responded Elder Thomas, "Many people see the cage as a bad thing, but we Mormons see it as a saving grace. We cannot sin if we never leave the cage."

"There are so many evil things outside the cage. Right James?" Elder Brown turned around.

"Yep," I said.

I looked at Monty and felt his pain. He was stuck in hell like I had been, and his depressed state made him maintain a willingness to accept anything into his life. I didn't know if Jennifer, Jason, or Elizabeth would ever cave in like Monty and I did.

"And everyone you will ever need is with you because you have accepted the lord," Elder Brown said.

"Will my brothers and sisters be able to join?" asked Monty.

"Of course Monty," replied Elder Thomas, "At least you will know their last name." Elder Thomas looked back at me with a smirk on his face and chuckled.

Did Elder Thomas just make fun of me? I was enraged that he would be mean enough to make a joke about my friends without knowing how much pain I had to go through while in hell.

"You will have the ability to join the priesthood and work your way to become an elder like us. The lord's work is needed everywhere you go in hell, and even in heaven."

Elder Brown hadn't noticed Elder Thomas's joke about me. I wanted to say something but I was speechless. I stared bitterly at Elder Thomas.

"I would like to see my grandma too," said Monty, "She is Catholic."

I heard Elder Brown let out a sigh.

"We have access to their part of heaven, but we are not liked as much there. You will have the chance to see her with the intent to show her the gospel," replied Elder Thomas.

"Many people don't believe in us. But we know that we will prevail," added Elder Brown.

Elder Thomas moved his eyes from his side view. He gave me a second look noticing that I was staring at him. My bitterness turned into hatred after he glanced at me.

"You ok James?" Elder Thomas asked, "Why don't you tell Monty how it is for you being a new convert and everything. I'm sure you've found a much needed purpose in your life now that it is complete and is only getting better."

I knew he knew I was mad at him. "To be honest Elder Thomas, I feel incomplete and I have always felt that way. And what do you mean by purpose? I have no purpose," I said sternly.

"Woah there James," smiled Elder Thomas, "Looks like someone needs more classes." Elder Thomas whispered to Monty, "Don't worry Monty, James is just a little upset right now."

He didn't answer my question. "No I am not upset." My voice escalated. "Not upset at all. In fact I miss my friends and you think it's funny I can't find them."

"The sinners in hell?" asked Elder Thomas. I could tell he was trying to separate us from them.

"Yes," I replied.

"This isn't a good time for you to talk about your friends in hell James," Elder Thomas said impatiently.

"You asked me," I replied quickly.

"I asked you if... Never mind," Elder Thomas said with frustration.

"What is he talking about?" asked Monty. He looked confused and scared at the same time.

"It's nothing," said Elder Thomas, "Sometimes we get caught with the wrong people Monty. That's what happened to James when he was in hell. It challenges us. Like the cage. This is an example of—"

"What are you talking about?" I interrupted outraged, "Those are some of the nicest people I have ever met. And so what if they don't believe what you do."

"Ok... Calm down James," Elder Brown said as he slowly lowered his arms trying to manage a peaceful environment.

Elder Thomas ignored Elder Brown's request and raised his voice, "Answer this James. So why do you think I am here and they are in hell? Tell me that James?"

Monty's shoulders shriveled up more. He was caught in the middle and he didn't want to do anything wrong.

"You know what?" I replied, "I would rather spend time in hell suffering with my friends than be cuddled up in my little delicate life in heaven."

"Ok guys, we shouldn't be having this conversation," Elder Brown stood up.

"You need to go pray James!" yelled Elder Thomas.

Elder Brown stood in the way of Elder Thomas and me.

I directed my anger to Monty, "Look Monty, I came here to have better life, but you just become stuck with everything. You're supposed to dedicate your life and time to something worthless. Don't—"

"Ok we are going to take a break," interrupted Elder Brown.

"James! Get out of here!" yelled Elder Thomas.

"But..." Monty was confused.

"You get stuck Monty! Accept everything for what it is and you won't deal with all this bullshit I'm dealing with!"

"James! Go back to your kingdom and pray!" Elder Thomas said trying to act calm and collected.

"You live right down the street from me _Mr. Elder_ ," I said back, "You have belittled me this whole time and now you think you're better than me because you live in a better kingdom?"

Elder Thomas turned and sat back down attempting to engage with Monty, "Don't listen to him."

"Please leave James," asked Elder Brown politely.

I quickly stomped to the door. "Don't do it Monty or you will end up like Elder Thomas!"

I opened the door and stormed out.

*

Being inside the tower made me feel lost, like a little kid in an adult world. The hallways were vacant, but the colorful walls maintained a sense of vitality. Elder Thomas was probably still giving his distorted advice to poor Monty as I struggled to find my own way out of the tower. Who the fuck did he think he was? There was no arguing with his foundation of belief.

I meandered through the hallways and found an elevator. After pushing the button over and over, the doors finally opened for me. I didn't know where I wanted to go, so I stood inside for a minute until the doors shut.

The elevator began moving as I stood deep in thought with my hands on my waste. I had made a big mistake coming here, knowing there was no place for me to feel comfortable, especially when around religious people. I remembered the Elders had told me to stay close to them, but rules were made to be broken.

The elevator came to a stop and then opened as two Elders walked in.

"Hi there!" said an elder with two big front teeth.

I didn't respond and stood in agitation.

"Where you headed partner?" asked the other Elder.

"How do I get out of here? I want to leave."

"Oh, haha! We will direct you to the right floor so you can get up and back into heaven. It's sometimes confusing for me too."

They misunderstood my discourteous request. I meant that I wanted to leave this terrible place altogether, but finding an exit was a start. He pushed some buttons on the side and took a step closer to me. His movement caused me to step back in the corner and look away from him until the awkward silence ended.

The elevator doors opened again and the two elders walked out.

"Nice talking to you partner! The elevator will lead you all the way up."

"Bye!" The buck toothed elder waved at me.

I needed to go to the forest to escape.

*

Walking over the grassy hill gave me a view of the celestial kingdom where Elder Thomas lived. A golden gate surrounded the inside neighborhoods, secluding it from the dorms and the forest. Most of the city was blocked, but I could see certain areas beyond the shimmering gate. I wanted to find out where Elder Thomas lived so I could kick down his door and tell him he was wrong. I didn't see the advantage to living in different kingdoms and it just gave off the perception that some people were better than others.

I finally felt normal after going back through the transparency wall. I didn't enjoy the feeling of walking through people or not being able to touch myself. It was almost like being indestructible.

"This is bullshit," I said to myself.

A couple walked past me deep in conversation.

"Hey!" I yelled at them, "How do I leave here?"

"What do you mean?" asked the woman.

"Nothing," I said and continued walking. I didn't look back to see if they were pursuing me. They didn't say anything.

On the walk back I thought of Jennifer. It was difficult to think of someone without knowing their whereabouts. For all I knew, she could have found her own religion with Jason and Elizabeth. I followed the winding path back to the dorms, detesting the useless greetings from every Mormon passing by. The happier people were, the more insignificant I felt. I had never seen how large heaven was or how many people existed but I assumed I was only a small fraction of many souls. I only knew how to get to the temple, my dorm, the forest, and the tower that led down to hell. Other Mormon kingdoms prohibited me from entering. The forest was the only place that allowed me to be in a state of solitude without being pestered by every Mormon.

Tony and Cody were in the courtyard waving their hands for me to come over and join them. I quickly turned my head, pretending not to see them, and then briskly walked up the stairs and inside the dorms. I rounded the corner and headed towards my room. I wanted to leave into the forest but also didn't want to have anybody see me.

I nudged my door open to see John reading his bible again.

"Hey there James! Get to join the elders?" he asked.

"Yeah, we got done early," I replied.

"What are you doing now?"

"Nothing. Think I'm going to head out for awhile." I sat down on my bed, plotting my escape, not knowing where to go or hide. I didn't feel social at all but knew John wouldn't understand my frustration.

John headed to the computer and started typing. "You going to the talent show tonight James? It says here that you haven't agreed to attend yet?"

"I told you John, I don't use the computer that much. I most likely didn't see it."

"Oh that's cool," John was silent for a moment, "So... You gonna go?"

"Probably. I got to take care of a couple things first," I lied.

"How did it go with the Elders?" John asked, "I can't wait till I can do that stuff!"

"It went well," I lied again. I wanted to tell John how much I wanted to punch Elder Thomas in the face.

"Oh good! You've made me want to dedicate a lot more time to work in hell and help make a difference. Thanks for the inspiration James," John said enthusiastically.

"No problem." I took my tie off and undid the first two buttons to give my neck some space. I didn't care anymore if I had a tie or not. There was no point of having a flabby piece of cloth hang off me.

"And don't forget James, we got some praying to do tonight," John reminded me.

"Sure John, whatever you say." I felt like I was patronizing him at this point, but he was always pressuring me to pray, so it was only fair.

I realized I didn't need to bring anything to the forest but grabbed an extra undershirt just in case and stuffed it into my side. I felt like I needed to bring something else, but my feet started moving towards the door.

"You heading out already?" John had his head turned around from where he was at by the computer.

"Yep," I replied.

"Ok then. See you tonight!"

"Sure," I replied.

I walked out into the hallway with hopes I wouldn't run into anybody. Once I reached the double doors I stopped and slowly pushed the door open to peek through the crack. Cody and Tony were not out front, so I opened it wider and slowly stuck my head out only to see a few Mormons walking around.

I quickly slipped through the door and walked along the side of the courtyard, then diverted into the forest. With the scenery in front me, I instantly felt free. I glanced to each side checking for any greeters ready to inhibit my progress. Luckily, I was having success at not being stopped but still had a paranoid feeling someone was watching me. The trees began to protect me, but my alertness was still present on the pathway.

I thought about what Elder Thomas's daily routine would be like; converting lost souls like me and guaranteeing them false hopes of happiness. He was obviously in the celestial kingdom, but the only difference was that he was surrounded by gates. Furthermore, I would be worse off if I had to deal with a wife who constantly prayed to god instead of talking to me directly. To have this continue forever would be ambitious. I would rather spend the rest of my day in the forest than dealing with that bullshit.

I ducked through the trees and pushed the leaves away from my face. When I released the leaves, they swung back to their original spot. A faint laugh in the distance startled me. Normally there was nobody this far back but I continued on the path carefully until a disturbance of cheering voices grew louder around the forest. I knew Brandon had told everyone about my quiet spot near the waterfall. What was once quiet and normal was now overrun with Mormons. It seemed whatever I cherished for solitude was eventually taken away.

I walked off the path to not be seen and stayed close to the sound of the waterfall. I also didn't want to run into someone and have to talk with them. A woman's high pitched voice shouted out with excitement and was followed with a splash. After she resurfaced, I heard an applause of at least twenty people.

I slowly crept towards the open blue pond with the waterfall pouring down behind everybody. The big leaves helped cover my presence. I was able to move some tree branches in front of me so I could spy on everyone. I noticed Cody and Tony were talking to each other in the shallow area next to a few women in one piece swim suits. I scanned the water looking at the heads bobbing on the surface. In the middle of everyone was Brandon. What an asshole. He probably told everyone that he was the one who found my spot. Everyone looked so happy splashing each other, jumping in, or racing around the pond. They always had to make a game out of everything.

I slowly released the tree branches and took a seat on the grassy ground. Listening to everyone having fun, I crossed my arms like a pouting child in seclusion. The boulders that once hollered the sound of water crashing down was now interfered with annoying voices.

I took another peek from where I was sitting and could see shadows over the waterfall. I needed somewhere new to go; a place nobody could find me. There had to be a way around the waterfall since I couldn't climb up on the boulders or walk along the shoreline. Taking the long way around was the only solution in finding a new path, and the thick brush would be trouble, but there wasn't much danger in exploring farther out into the forest.

I laid low and started walking through the wilderness, avoiding any unwanted encounters. Since I was off the path, my progress had slowed, and I had to use my strength to move some of the branches from out of my way. I felt like I wasn't getting far despite my effort, but it didn't matter because I had all the time in the world and an infinite amount of endurance.

I remembered I was told to never leave the city. It was an unwritten law, but I never understood why nobody wanted to venture outside the imaginary lines. My incorrigible instinct to escape was going to answer my question. No matter what anybody told me, I could never follow the rules if I disagreed.

I had to duck, climb, and squeeze through tree branches and leaves. After awhile, I started to make it into a game. Sometimes I tried to hang from a branch, but I quickly plummeted to the ground, unable to hold myself up. All the trees looked similar and the soft ground never changed. I almost thought about taking off my shoes and leaving them, but I didn't know what was ahead.

After some time, I stopped to look back, no longer hearing anything. No voices or waterfall interrupted my desired silence. Only the steps I took through the branches and leaves caused noises. Once I stood still, there weren't any nuisances of people.

My next objective was to find where the river was ahead. I continued to walk forward with my back towards the sun. It was odd to think that this morning I was in hell.

*

There was something threatening about walking on the forest floor at night. The unsettling feeling forced me to climb a tree for safety and avoid any predators that were about. I knew it was unlikely to be ambushed by a devious heavenly soul, but being secluded and vulnerable in the darkness created fearful thoughts in my head.

Without the need to sleep, I was able to plan out different routes from a high view. There was nowhere to go, so I ended up waiting until daylight to follow the rising sun. The tree I chose to climb was sizable and had branches for handles and footsteps. I used all my muscles with each careful step and grabbed the sturdiest branches to hoist myself up. While I was climbing, I glanced down noticing I was substantially far from the ground. My extra shirt dangled behind me that was stuffed in my waist.

I thought about what would happen if I slipped and died. I knew I would not completely die but instead wake up in hell or in my Mormon dorm. Both didn't sound fulfilling and made me preserve my life with each moment. Ultimately, and as contrary to my past, I did not want to die.

I took one more step up and felt I was at a sturdy point to turn around. My hand maintained a firm grip on a sturdy branch as I carefully sat down and let my feet dangle beneath me. Darkness covered the forest except for the stars lighting up the universe and a small fuzz of light coming from the Mormon city. With every dot in the sky, I felt like I was able to reach out and grab anything. From the star's view, heaven was only a small spec.

I held on and stared off into space.

*

The moment the sun rose, I carefully climbed down the tree and followed the glare through the forest. It was nice to know the essentials were not needed for survival. I didn't have to rely on anyone, making it ideal to be alone. Most importantly, I didn't have to go to any classes or talk about God.

I thought about all the people alive on earth and the dead souls in heaven and hell. Hell was always expanding with new halls and towers from the middle of domes while heaven was growing out into the forests. Nothing was going to ever decrease in size. I didn't know what my future was going to be like, but I wasn't going to spend it surrounded by Mormons. Talking with them usually ended in resentment and bitterness.

I continued to follow the sun as it rose over the horizon and onto the green forest. There were no dead trees, discoloration of leaves, or bark pealing from the trunks. All the trees I touched were smooth but sturdy, disallowing me from plucking off any leaves. My feet treaded in the quiet forest, making me feel like a rummaging bug in the middle of the stillness. I was able to pinpoint each particular nerve in my body with the sound I created. Since I was in unknown territory, I began to wonder if I even was on earth. All the evidence pointed to yes, except for everything around me that seemed otherworldly.

The main thing I was focused on was to continue to walk away from the Mormons.

*

Each morning I walked towards the rising sun, and then at night, climbed a tree to watch the night sky. I never heard a noise other than myself. It was relaxing at first, but as the days turned into weeks, I became more disorganized. I'm sure my roommates had noticed I was gone and a search party was most likely on their way back at the city. It was useless because nobody was going find me. Actually, it was almost exhilarating to know people might be looking for me.

This morning was different from the previous mornings. I expected to see trees bunched together, but instead, noticed a long channel running through the widespread forest. Before I climbed down, I waited for the sun to completely light up the sky to get the best view. A skinny river looked to be flowing through the forest, carving its way as far as the eye could see.

My arms and legs carefully controlled the speed of my descent as I climbed down the tree that I temporarily inhabited. My feet hit the ground, and I was on my way to inspect the river. My pace quickened with the excitement of seeing something new, expecting to hear the sound of water as I got closer. I remembered the calming sound that water made, but still heard nothing.

I forced my way through the branches that hung from the trees and then stepped my way out onto a brown open road, barely wide enough for two cars. The road winded through the forest without any indication of serviceability. The gravel was mashed together to form a dirt-like surface. I continued walking on the road, curious as to where it led to. Following the sun through the forest was not helping at all, and fighting against the heavy brush was slowing down my progress, so I decided to take the dirt road that headed in relatively the same direction.

The change from walking in a crowded room to a desolate road made me realize the importance of having human contact. But compared to hell, this was still more enjoyable than dealing with people and listening to their conversations. I was also relieved that I no longer had to deal with the obligations of being Mormon. I've learned that I enjoyed conversation with people when I didn't know their viewpoints, morals, or taboos. Whenever I crossed someone's personal moral boundary, conversation was altered drastically. I was then striving to find a common ground which was ultimately useless.

I placed my hands into my pockets and followed the road.

*

I stood in the middle of an intersection with the choice to continue forward, turn left, or turn right. All directions had the same endless roads and green trees overhanging in the distance. I stepped off to the side and sat down with my back against a tree trunk; my hand resting on my chin. The constant supply of trees had defeated my desire to escape. The small amount of victory I had over the forest was when I was high in a tree and looked down on everything. I had control when I was high up, despite the fact that the forest was unmeasureable.

My hand erratically pulled the grass from under me. I threw everything behind me and continued picking at the ground until there was no more grass. I clumped the dirt and the remaining grass into a ball and threw it out onto the road. After I decided I had thrown enough dirt balls, I walked back onto the road. I stared down at the mess I had made and chuckled to myself, then started kicking the dirt on the road.

"This sucks," I blurted out.

Suddenly, a calm quiet breeze blew against my face. Never had I once felt a natural wind or seen the leaves on the trees wobble from a gust or storm. In the distance, a small object was approaching from the road. My stomach was jumping inside my body as the blurry figure slowly came into focus. I was nervous to regain any type of social contact that I haven't had since I left Mormon city.

The object was beginning to take shape of a car. I stepped to the side of the road so I wouldn't be run over. Part of me wanted to go hide in the forest like an untamed animal, but I decided to confront the obscure figure like a human and nervously waited for its arrival. The dirt I had thrown on the road began to shake and separate into different directions.

The car-like object reminded me of a boat, but was supported by four wheels, and at the tail end was a large fan that curled high up into the air. As the boat continued along the dirt path, the fan caused a whirlwind from behind and shook the branches and leaves. Surprisingly, it didn't make an uproar or constant buzz like a normal motorized vehicle, but ravaged the trees around it. Giving off the impression that it was floating through the air made it an unconventional means of transportation. A figure inside the boat was standing over the dashboard steering the vehicle.

I watched the dirt roll off the road and then glanced back up to identify who was in the boat. A nun was driving behind the wheel as another nun sat to her side. The nun who was driving arched her head down and stared at me in disbelief. As the boat on wheels slowly came to a halt, the trees calmed down from behind, letting the shade settle overhead. The nun behind the wheel leaned towards the passenger side and began examining something I couldn't see. She then stood up and bent over the side, motioning for me to come over.

I discreetly walked to the side, impulsively rubbing the side of my head.

The nun was middle aged and had glossy green eyes with thick eyebrows. Her chubby nose slanted down on me. "Hello there young man," the nun half-smiled, "What is your name?"

"It's James." I placed my hands on the side of the boat.

"Hands off young man," the nun reacted to my hands touching her boat.

I released my hands and slid them in my pockets. "Sorry," I said thoughtlessly.

"I am Sister Margaret and she is Sister Barbara."

I looked over at Sister Barbara; she was older looking. A few of her short hairs hung out from her hood. Her shoulders were hunched over a piece of paper she was examining.

"Where am I? Who are you? Why are you a nun?"

"Careful with your judgment," warned Sister Margaret, "Where from heaven do you reside and why are you roaming around in the forest. You should return to where you came from."

"Where I came from?"

"You should know," Sister Margaret responded. She didn't say anything else and waited for a response.

"I came from the Mormon city... So I'm Mormon," I said but sounded unsure. It was odd to refer to myself as Mormon when I clearly was not.

"Why are you quivering? You either are Mormon or you're not." The nun took a deep breath. "Do you understand what I am saying?"

"I do..." I kicked the dirt on the road.

"What are you doing out here? Shouldn't you be back where you belong?" Sister Margaret was examining my doubt. I could feel her picking me apart for who I was.

"I think... I think I ran away. I don't know where I am. On top of that, I don't know where to go," I reverted back with honesty. At this point it didn't matter what people thought of me as. I was utterly lost and needed some type of guidance in heaven.

Sister Margaret turned to Sister Barbara, "You see what I was talking about?"

Sister Barbara chuckled and continued to look my way. I hadn't noticed but she was listening to our conversation the entire time.

"Ok James," Sister Margaret said calmly, "Where do you intend to go? And know that I will not take you back if you are going to ask me." She pressed her lips together. "Why do you question your faith?"

I realized that they didn't see too many people wandering around in the forest. I didn't want to get in another faith debate but I entertained her question with a question. "Where can I go?"

"You should go back to where you belong," Sister Margaret replied back with a slight rise in her voice, "We came from Heaven Central where we just spent all day protecting our Catholic doctrine in which you Mormons have ridiculed for not even two centuries. I am in no mood to debate with any of your nonsense."

I think she misunderstood my ambiguous question. I decided to tell her my situation. "I didn't mean to upset you. I am not really Mormon. I have only been here for a short while but somehow ended up here by being baptized."

"So you are the devil!" Sister Margaret claimed.

"No I am not." I tried to maintain the steadiness in my voice. "I just want to find somewhere to be." I didn't know how to explain my situation to her.

"Let me tell you something boy. It takes your entire life to get into heaven. It took me years to take my solemn vows. Throughout my time on earth, I have devoted my life to the lord by using meditation and prayer and would not give up a second of it. You don't know what it's like to truly devote your soul to the lord."

My head hung low and my toes rubbed the dirt into the road. "You are right," I replied, "I don't know. I just want some help please. I need to know where to go."

"I don't know where else you can go. I'm sorry James. May God have mercy on your soul," replied Sister Margaret. She turned her shoulder to Sister Barbara, indicating she was ready to leave.

"But..." I said softly. I didn't think she heard me.

Sister Barbara waved Sister Margaret over. Sister Margaret gave me one last look then knelt down beside her sister. They began whispering back and forth.

"Hmph," I heard Sister Margaret belch out. I noticed how unattractive she was in her nun attire. Her veil concealed her true appearance, aside from her middle aged peachy face. If her hair were to be exposed, she would perhaps not be so hideous. However, Sister Barbara seemed to be uglier if she was to remove her hood. I remained silent, trying to listen in on their whispers while pretending to study the boat on wheels.

Sister Margaret turned back to me, put her hands on the side of the boat, and kneeled over me. Half of her lips were smiling on one side of her face while the other side remained unmoved. "We will show you to the Christians and every other soul in heaven. It seems none of them ever know what they're doing, like you. But we have a much more important task for you."

"Huh?" I asked, "So should I come up there with you?" It seemed like there was a lot to learn about heaven, but I contemplated if climbing aboard was a good idea.

"You will if you want to join us," Sister Margaret replied sarcastically, "Consider this a sign James. You are in a constant struggle with the devil and god. The devil is raging inside your soul while you reject the light from God. Let's pray that you consider the light. Come aboard."

I hesitated from putting my arms on the boat and didn't want her to yell at me.

"Come aboard James," Sister Margaret said again with little patience.

I struggled to find any footing to climb aboard and took a few steps back to prepare for a jump.

"Hold on James," cautioned Sister Margaret. She hit something at the base of the boat with her foot. Some steps slowly arched over the side and dropped onto the ground.

It irritated me that she watched me try to board the boat without telling me she was going to release a stairway. I delicately stepped up and into the boat. I hopped inside and then thought of where I wanted to sit. I felt my extra shirt dangle from the side of my pants. Sister Margaret tried to reach out and pull my extra shirt I had stuffed in my waist, but I quickly put my hand over it, not letting her touch it.

"Pick up your pace James and take a seat," said Sister Margaret, "And get rid of that extra shirt you have hanging from you. You don't need it."

I picked the nearest seat and sat down, but I didn't take out my extra shirt. Sister Margaret sat down next to me and began examining my face, trying to look beyond my eyes. I didn't like the way she starred at me. The stairs retracted back inside the boat and bundled into a small compartment.

"So James, tell me why you were brought to heaven?"

The fan behind us began spinning as the boat moved with increasing speed.

"I was baptized because I had an uncle that was Mormon who I haven't met because he is alive on earth," I explained, "So I haven't been in heaven for a long time but started out in hell."

"So you are faithless," sighed elder Margaret, "This is just what I need to prove at our next debate at Heaven Central."

"Heaven Central?"

"It is a central city where everyone from all the faiths in the world meets. Unfortunately, more and more faiths have developed in heaven to a considerable amount."

"There is a main city for heaven?" I asked.

"Well, our city of Catholicism is the main city. Heaven Central is just another city where everyone meets. Since there are so many faiths in heaven, we have to share."

"I don't understand," I said. I hated looking into her eyes.

"It's not important for you. Just know there are a lot of false deities out there and you are following one of them. You will be living proof at our next meeting that baptism of the dead is wrong and ignorant. Our life on earth is the only chance we get. Once we die, our fate is sealed. Your fate has already been determined and that was why you went to hell James. You should not be given a second chance. God gave everyone a chance on earth, including you, which you have so clearly abandoned."

I didn't know what to say to her. "I'm sorry but I don't know what to do."

"You can't do anything James. You have no moral accountability for what you have done. And just remember, the devil will continue to shape your guilt."

"Where is the devil?" I was beginning to feel agitated from her making a mockery out of me.

"Are you blind James?" her head tilted to the side.

I couldn't follow what she was saying and looked to the side at the waving trees. "I'm not blind..." I mumbled to myself.

"You are proof that baptism of the dead is completely ignorant and you are blind. Absolutely blind!" Sister Margaret stated. She spoke with sternness combined with hatred. Her frequent outbursts driven with emotion showed me the danger in her eyes.

Each day I was learning the complexities of heaven. I decided to try to get more information, no matter how offensive Sister Margaret was. "Where are we now?" I asked.

"You are in-between cities; near the Mormon city as you call it. And the next city will be where the Christians reside. We usually take a different route because we don't want to drive near them, but we just live so far away from Heaven Central. You should be thankful that we found you," Sister Margaret said, "Heaven Central _should_ be closer to us. We were here before everyone."

"What about all the other religions in heaven? There has got to be so many out there," I said in awe. I remembered walking through hell and seeing many different preachers recruiting the souls in hell. The ubiquitous nature of everything captivated my interest.

"What about them?" Sister Margaret didn't show any emotion. She caused my feet to tremble as she continued to stare at me.

"What about..." My eyes retreated to the ground. "Forget it."

"Do you know anything about living a life of devotion, chastity, or obedience?"

"Not really," I replied.

"Of course you don't. You have been spending your whole life in hell," Sister Margaret said.

"Wouldn't I be able to learn it now? I have all eternity to learn," I suggested but immediately regretted what I had said. I just wanted her to think something good of me. I knew she didn't see one shed of light in me. Her cold stare shaded any light I tried to spark, smothering every word I spoke. I waited to be scorned by her as her eyes beamed through my head.

"James... Your chance is gone. You should not even be here. Your baptism will help us argue this preposterous idea at our next meeting at Heaven Central. It shouldn't even be allowed," Sister Margaret continued to display an angry demeanor.

"So where are we going?" I asked, changing the subject from my eternal damnation to something more relevant in the nearer future.

"Sister Barbara and I are going back home. You will be used to express our great concern for the sanctity of baptism, and then you will be returned to hell," Sister Margaret replied.

I reacted quickly. "I thought we were going to Heaven Central?" I didn't want to go back to hell.

Sister Margaret sighed, "We are. You will be staying in a cell outside our kingdom in the meantime."

I quickly thought of hell and my friends lost somewhere in it. Perhaps they had found somewhere better to go. I lowered my voice and tried to ask Sister Margaret as pleasant as I could, "But why am I going back to hell?"

"We already went through this. You are an abomination and will return to where you belong. You have coincided with the devil and will never be cured."

I stayed quiet, not knowing how to argue why I should stay in heaven. Sister Margaret would only respond with an irate accusation of her calling me the devil.

"I... Want to find my friends," I confessed, "How can I find them?"

"You can find them another day," said Sister Margaret and glanced behind me.

I turned around to see what she was looking at; it was the forest. The trees moved by quickly, one after another meshing into a solid green wall.

Sister Margaret pointed ahead of us. "We will be driving by the Christian part of heaven where it seems everyone has bundled their faiths into one. It's preposterous with what they get away with. They accept whoever into their tarnished religion. Them and you Mormons." During our conversation, Sister Margaret had gained much hate for me.

"Why do you say they get away with stuff?" I asked trying to divert her hatred from me to the Christians.

"First of all James, Christianity was created out of Catholicism. Second of all, new religions are always being accepted at Heaven Central. They need to stop bringing in so many corrupt souls."

"So... what was here before you?" I was beginning to carry on the conversation with her by looking at the ground most of the time.

Sister Margaret crossed her arms as I studied her laced up black leather shoes, comparing them to mine. Hers were a lot cleaner, but at times, her dark robe covered her shoes.

"Look up here James!" commanded Sister Margaret.

"Sorry." I looked over her shoulder.

"If you do not know of creation I will not discuss this with you," stated Sister Margaret.

I didn't respond and decided to stay quiet.

"What's the matter James," asked Sister Margaret. The insensible tone in her voice made me purposely want to ignore her.

"I don't want to go back to hell," I finally said.

"You shouldn't have ever left," Sister Margaret replied with a simplistic tone.

"Would you at least drop me off by my friends then? If I had to, I would feel much better."

"I'm not making a deal with you nor will I ever. Your friends chose the same fate as you in hell."

I glanced over at Sister Barbara who was looking at the road ahead. I could tell she was listening to everything.

"Sister Barbara cannot help you either James," Sister Margaret said sternly.

"Why do I have to be in a cell?" I absolutely hated small rooms, especially cells.

Sister Margaret crossed her arms. "We will not discuss this any further. Sit down and shut up."

Nobody had ever told me to shut up before. I was shocked that she would ever say that to me. "I'm already sitting down," I mumbled to myself.

"What did you say James?" Sister Margaret inched her head into mine.

I stared down at her shoes again. I didn't know why she was giving me orders when I had just met her. I would never have given her the same command.

"Speak up James," ordered Sister Margaret.

I didn't want to say anything else to her, and questioned why I was with her. She made me feel like I had an obligation to help her, which I really did not. My hands began to tap my knees anxiously as I waited for her to yell at me again, dodging any eye exchange with her.

"James!" Sister Margaret yelled. She slammed her arms down over my hands that were resting on my knees. Her hands clenched down over mine as they shook with fury.

I instantly jumped up and slapped her hands off me. "What are you doing!?"

"You need to learn discipline and respect," she shouted in my face, "Stay quiet!" Sister Margaret edged in closer and pulled on my pants to sit me down. I gave her resistance as she pulled harder. She grunted and forced me back onto the bench with both of her hands.

"Stop!" I yelled.

Sister Barbara noticed the disruption. She quickly fumbled with the dashboard. I could feel the boat slowing down but we were still going at a steady pace.

"You need to be casted back to hell where you belong!" yelled Sister Margaret. She would not let go of my pants.

I fell onto my back with both my feet in the air separating myself from Sister Margaret. I felt vulnerable but I had some leverage with the power in my legs and was able to keep her at a distance with my feet. Her shaky hands grabbed onto my pants and her grunts persisted with each struggle as she tried to contain me. Sister Barbara was impatiently waiting for the boat to slow down. She held onto the wheel with one hand and tried to grab me with her other hand, but her arm was not long enough to touch me.

"Get off me! What is your problem!" I screamed back at Sister Margaret. My feet pushed her back every time she advanced forward.

"Don't you dare resist me!" Sister Margaret said furiously.

I was clearly in a submissive position with only my legs to protect me. I desperately needed to regain my balance or else I would be captured. Sister Margaret reached for my face and locked her fingers on my chin. I pushed her back with my feet as she fell back but she quickly reclaimed her position over me. She lunged forward with even more strength putting both of her hands on my chest to hold me down. I quickly squeezed my leg between her arms with my foot in perfect position to push her off. Sister Margaret grabbed my hair and pulled my head forward.

"Hey!!" I screamed in terror. I reacted quickly and kicked my foot into Sister Margaret's face. I could feel her soft nose crunch through my shoes as she flew back with the impact of my foot.

Sister Barbara let go of the steering wheel and grabbed onto my shirt, trying to lift me up.

"Stop!" I screamed back. I regained my position on my back with my feet in the air as she tumbled onto me.

She then grabbed onto my hair like Sister Margaret had, but I quickly yanked my head away, and could feel chunks of hair rip out from her tight grip. I then positioned my feet in front of her stomach and pushed with all my might. I could feel Sister Barbara's stomach push in, causing her to regurgitate some air. She stumbled back and crashed onto the passenger seat. I quickly looked over at Sister Margaret who was grunting and holding her hands over her face. With the opportunity of being free, I lifted myself to my feet, looking for an escape off the boat.

Both of the nuns were still focused on me but were slightly disoriented. Sister Margaret had an angry look in her eyes. Her eyebrows pushed down with hatred. I didn't want to find out how she was going to retaliate. I turned towards the moving trees, put my hands on the side of the boat, and leaped over. While I was in the air, I pictured kicking in Sister Margaret's face again. I was glad I had done that.

I promptly smashed into the grass, landing onto my shoulder. Thankfully, the ground was soft on impact as I continued rolling at a fast speed. My body finally collided into tree trunk. I felt like my whole body had bent in half but there was no pain.

An outcry came from the nuns in the boat behind me. Using the tree trunk as support, I jumped to my knees and started running as fast as I could into the forest. The trees began to hide me as I progressed further in. Their screams became faint the more I frantically ran into the forest.

*

Dusk was setting in as I ran for hours, ducking and jumping over the branches in the forest. The nuns had scared me off the roads from their attempts to kidnap me. I remembered Sister Margaret had called me the devil. I laughed out loud at the thought of that.

I stopped and leaned against a tree and thought of my pathetic fighting style used to resist the sisters. While protecting myself on my back and feet in the air, I was able to jab one in the face and then the other in the stomach.

"They will never take me alive," I said proudly. I tapped the tree trunk as if I was including it in my brash statement. I couldn't imagine they were going to lock me up in a room and use me for their own benefit. But they were never going to find me again.

I decided I had run far enough to take a break. I didn't feel exhausted, but it was worthwhile to put into context what had happened and what I was going to do now.

"Alright," I said to myself, "time to find a resting spot."

I grasped a nearby tree and climbed up to a comfortable spot to watch the darkening sky. I felt calm whenever I watched the transition of day turn to night. The sun slowly declined, struggling to shine its last ray of light over the horizon.

I waved goodbye to it.

*

I plotted the direction I wanted to go every morning from high up in the trees. I continuously scanned for patches in the forest or anything peculiar, trying to not make any mistakes. I often saw roads curve through the forest and avoided any contact as boats were always driving through. I reverted to my same routine of following the sun during the day and finding refuge in a tree at night.

On a quiet night, I heard a disturbance of something walking through the forest while I was peacefully sitting in a tree. The sound became louder until a figure appeared from beneath me. I thought it was an animal at first until a man started speaking to himself in a language I couldn't understand. He didn't seem lost but instead was walking casually though the forest without hassle or motivation to get anywhere. I watched every step he made; frightened to think I was in a forest alone at night with a stranger. He disrupted the tranquility of the environment and my solitude within. I didn't know his intentions, but I knew his presence was an inconvenience.

I hugged the tree and stayed as quiet as I could until he roamed where I could no longer see him. The noise faded, and then it was quiet again. I sighed a relief and loosened my grip from the tree.

Running into a stranger made me think about staying in the tree my entire time. However, having absolutely nothing to do on my agenda caused me to climb back down and adventure though the forest again. I felt restless every minute I spent in a tree, but for that time spent, I was able to stay away from heavenly souls.

Trust was a delicate issue for me to handle. When I thought about it, I never trusted anybody in my life. I would never help anyone without having the thought of that person stabbing me in the back. Sometimes, there was an instinct to help, but I was never able to, or didn't have the guts to. If a shrink was to analyze me, I'm sure he or she would say I had childhood issues. I would have agreed.

I remembered being stuck on a bus in the middle of a storm when I was a little kid. At a small age, the concept of a storm was unclear and I didn't know that it was something that would eventually stop. Stuck in a flurry of confusion, I felt trapped in a bus while the terror of thunder and lightning struck over me.

The bus shook, and the rain hit the windows like bullets. The thunder blasted through the sky rumbling the ground under my seat. I cried as my hands pressed against my ears, and whenever I looked out the window, another eruption sparkled through the sky.

With everything happening at once, there was only one person for me I could turn to for comfort. All I wanted was to be held and told everything was going to be alright. There was no feeling of warmth as I shook in fear by myself, disbelieving I was going to be ok. The person who I needed to trust sat close by and ignored me while talking to everyone on the bus.

Once I got off the bus, I was guided to a ceremony to participate in it. After it was over, I listened to the storm as I wept to sleep.

I hated blaming others for my problems, but I couldn't help to think that I alone contributed to my ultimate downfall. But I didn't blame anyone for my suicide. I pictured my mom at the side of the road with a cigarette in her mouth and blowing a cloud of smoke in the air. The day that I had died was engraved in my head.

Despite my emotional problems, I had become a significantly better tree climber, making everything look effortless. I thought about swinging from tree to tree but I didn't want to fall and die. Then I would end up dealing with the Mormons again and most likely be sent back to hell.

I decided to find a tree to end my daytime adventure. The sun started its decline, creating dimness under the forest. I picked out a tree above me and climbed until I found a manageable place to sit and watch the forest below me. In the distance, I noticed a cloud of light emerge as it got darker. It was still far from where I was sitting but I could tell it looked like a city. I remembered Sister Margaret telling me that there were different groups of people everywhere in heaven. Perhaps that was where the wandering man was going.

I continued to stare at the cloud of light, trying to see if I could make out anything else. I knew it was too early to decide what it was about. I observed the new city and let one foot dangle below, thinking about the dangers that were ahead.

*

I cautiously moved towards the glowing city each day, dressed in my buttoned white shirt, black slacks, and worn out dress-shoes from climbing the trees. Curiosity got the best of me to explore farther in, occasionally posting high in the trees to help guide me through. It didn't look that far away but it ended up taking me several days to reach the outskirts.

The green grass was matted with pathways forming around the trunks. Small and large fish symbols facing different directions were carved at the base of the trees. It reminded me of the popular symbol used as a bumper sticker for Christians to flaunt their church. Now, they voluntarily confined themselves inside their own city and continued to do what they wanted, without any opposition. It was almost like a warning for outsiders wanting to enter the city, unless if they had the same belief.

I was bothered more that they had to carve their recognized symbol on the trees. I felt like I had bonded with the wilderness, since I used them as protection. I never liked nature but I knew if I were a tree, I wouldn't like to be scratched with a knife to display someone else's thoughts.

These signs of human activity put me on alert and ready for anything. I wanted to somehow gain knowledge of the city before committing to the idea of entering it, but there was no way of knowing what problems were in the vicinity.

Denser and more urban than the Mormon city, the Christian city looked boundless with its high buildings and streets that were full of citizens. Once I was on the forest ground, I could still hear the hum from the city; the noise becoming more abundant. Part of me felt like I could find Jennifer, Jason, and Elizabeth on the corner of the street, waiting for me the whole time. It would take some time and skill for them to find a way to get into heaven; but they also could still be stuck in hell. I maneuvered through the trees, finding comfort every time I stopped behind a tree trunk.

A woman's scream erupted in the forest. I instantly perked up and found the nearest tree to climb, frantically pulling myself up as high as I could. As I looked down to scan the forest, the scream had faded and it was quiet again. I noticed the city was closer than I had thought as a buzz of commotion made my closeness surreal. The colors shined off the buildings and statues that congested the city.

Another scream echoed in the forest. I refocused my attention to where it had come from as I clenched my hands tightly around the branches. A man's voice was yelling, followed by the woman screaming again, distressed from the man attacking her. I could sense where they were coming from, but I cowardly sat in my tree with no intention to help, wishing the sound would go away. The man's commanding voice overwhelmed the woman who was shrieking in agony. I shivered at the thought of being in the middle of it.

The stomping of feet was louder until two figures came into focus. A man with a muscular body frame was behind the slightly shorter blond haired woman. The beefy man had a buzz cut and tilted his head down when he ran towards the woman. He grabbed her hand and yanked her down onto the ground. They were only a few trees away but I could see them from my high view.

"What did I tell you?" commanded the man. He let go of the woman and then crossed his arms with victory.

The blond haired woman crawled back helplessly and rested her head against a tree trunk. "It's nothing," she yelped, "It's not a big deal!"

I felt like I shouldn't have been watching their feud.

"It is a big deal Megan!" replied the man, "It hurts me when you go out and just pretend I don't exist!"

"I don't know what to say honey," said Megan, "So what do we do now? If you can't handle this..."

"Do now?!" What can we do now Megan?! Can I really trust you?"

"What are you talking about Graham? It's not my fault you are unhappy..."

"It's the same old shit! Just come clean now!"

"What are you talking about?!" replied Megan.

I could see Megan's feet as she continued to move away from Graham. Her body looked tense as she embraced ground. Graham stood in front of her with a sense of rejection on his face. His shoulders were too big for his black tank top and tight jean shorts.

"Forget about it," Graham grunted.

"Now wait a second! What are you talking about?!" Megan yelled back quickly.

"Forget about it!" Graham screamed. His voice resonated through the trees and up into the sky. There was a silent pause as he took a step forward. Megan reacted passively and pushed her back up against the tree trunk.

I could no longer see the both of them. I moved around to the other side of the trunk carefully stepping around to see if I could finish watching the drama. I didn't care about Megan or Graham, and they sounded like a nightmare couple, but it was entertaining to watch. My hands gripped the above branches as I moved to a new spot. Megan appeared into my sight and was still in a submissive position against the tree trunk. She occasionally leaned to the side of it, trying to use it as a barrier between her and Graham.

"Think of your classes," Megan begged, "God over your loss of control."

I slowly sat down not making a sound. I could tell Graham was thinking but remained in an irrational state. However everything seemed to have come to a halt. I didn't know what was going on.

"This has nothing to do with my classes," Graham said trying to tame his voice. It sounded like he was gritting his teeth and holding in his anger.

"But..." Megan stopped.

Something felt different when I had sat down. I didn't feel my extra shirt that was stuffed into my waistband. The shirt was gone. I looked around frustrated and no longer paying attention to Megan and Graham.

Under me, the white shirt was hanging on a limb. I stretched my foot from where I was sitting and tried to hook it with my toes, but couldn't reach it. I slowly climbed down a branch and reached out my foot again to bring it in. My foot weighed the tree limb down, which then caused the shirt to slide off and continue to fall.

"Shit," I whispered to myself. I watched the shirt without the ability to grab it. It almost stopped at a few lower branches and then plummeted onto the grassy floor.

"Did you see that?" I heard Graham ask.

I retreated back to a higher spot in the tree.

"What now," Megan sighed.

"It looked like a cat jumping from the tree," said Graham.

"Don't be silly honey," Megan responded, "Cats can't be in heaven."

I heard them walk towards the tree I was hiding in. The vacant forest brought out the slightest sounds.

"I know who it is..." Mark said.

"Who?" Megan asked

Graham ignored Megan's question. "Mark! If this is a joke you better come out from where you are!" he shouted. Graham then turned to Megan, "He's always playing jokes on me."

"If it is him, I feel embarrassed he heard us arguing," assured Megan

Their footsteps were now directly below me. I quickly moved to the opposite side to get out of their sight.

"What is this?" inquired Graham as he picked up my extra shirt that had fallen.

"It's a shirt Graham," Megan said unconcerned, "Someone must have left it out here."

My hands were shaking as I hugged the tree. I readjusted my left foot onto another branch.

"Hey!" I see you," I heard Graham yell.

I stayed still and unmoved. I turned my head away from them not wanting to look below me. If I didn't see them, they couldn't see me. My strategy was hopeless. My last resort was that he wasn't talking to me.

"Hey you!" Graham yelled.

"What are you talking about babe?" Megan questioned.

"C'mon! You don't see him up there?" Graham asked.

"No," Megan replied, "What are you talking about?"

I thought of how a chameleon blends in with its surroundings, wishing I had that capability. Since I wasn't a chameleon, I wanted to leave my body and not be Grahams prey.

"Up there. You see that hand?" Graham asked.

It astonished me that they had both forgotten what they were arguing about.

"Is that a hand?" asked Megan.

I slowly moved my right hand close into my body.

"Did you see it move?!" Graham reacted to my movement.

"I did!" said Megan.

I wanted them to continue yelling at each other. I liked observing the disorder of others from the outside looking in but I didn't want to confront them. They needed to go away.

"Answer me!" yelled Graham.

I remained silent and heard them walk around to the other side of the tree. I moved as they moved, keeping them out of sight. I knew they were able to see my hands and feet. I just didn't want to see them in my sight.

"Hey! I'm talking to you!" Graham started moving in the other direction to try to see me.

I moved around the trunk again.

"I see him!" yelled Megan. She must have stayed in her position while Graham circled around.

"Thatta babe!" congratulated Graham.

I didn't understand how they suddenly started to work as a team against me.

"What are you doing up there?!" yelled Graham.

I pulled my shirt up and put my head in it with defeat.

"That's it! I'm coming up!"

"Honey... No... Just let it be," said Megan.

"It's not an it! It's a he!" Graham replied back with sarcasm.

"Why do you always have to do this?!" Megan pleaded.

"I'll be back down," Graham said with confidence. Graham grabbed onto the tree and started to jerk himself up. I could feel the tree shake as he struggled to make his way up.

"Be careful," Megan said.

I was high up and stuck. The only way was down and that's where Graham was. Graham was a lot stronger than me even if I tried to push him down with my feet. I decided I would surrender and talk my way out.

"What do you want?" I hollered down at them.

Graham stopped his climbing. "What are you doing up there?"

"Nothing. Why are you climbing up to me?"

"Aren't you going to come down?" asked Graham ignoring my concern.

"I'm fine up here. Just leave me alone."

Megan spoke up, "Graham... Honey... Come back down."

"I wanna know why you're spying on us like this!" Graham raised his voice, "Where did you come from?"

"Nowhere. Just leave me alone," I said again. My negotiating skills were regrettably weak.

"He doesn't mean any harm," Megan yelled up at me. She was now trying to reach Graham.

"Where are you from!?" Graham asked again.

"He's probably one of those stupid wondering Buddhists," Megan suggested.

"Or he could be those old Zoroastrianism people spying on us," Graham added, "They have always been accusing us of taking their land. We don't know what he is."

"Does he look old to you?" Megan said.

"Whatever," Graham said, continuing his climb.

"Stop this now!" Megan shouted.

I looked below me to see Graham getting closer. He obviously ignored Megan's request and was determined to somehow pull me down. I hated how men like Graham had to handle their own situations and were incapable to listen to the advice of others. Graham's eyes were locked into me and his forehead wrinkled the closer he came. His climbing skills were good but not better than me. The only problem was that I was close to the top of the tree, which left me with the choices to either surrender or wait to be bait. I moved to the other side of the tree so I wouldn't see Graham climbing towards me.

"Ok ok!" I said, "I'll come down if you stop climbing!"

"You better!" yelled Graham, "Come down now!"

I didn't want to comply but I had no choice.

"Come down where I can see you!" he yelled again.

"I will," I yelled back, "Just let me get down."

Megan had her hands in the air waiting for Graham. I watched Graham climb down, much slower on his way down. He finally planted his feet on the ground and looked back up at me.

Megan put her arm around Graham and yelled up to me. "It's ok," she said calmly, "We don't mean to hurt you."

I slowly climbed down, trying to delay my confrontation with them. Graham's arms were crossed as he waited for my descent.

"Step back." I wanted space once I landed on the ground.

"We are back," Megan said.

"And Graham?" I asked. He was my primary concern. I didn't hear anything.

"Yes," assured Megan, "and Graham."

I didn't like how Graham didn't respond.

"Everything is fine," Megan assured.

I turned around to see where Graham was. He was standing with his shoulders up and arms crossed. Megan had her hand on his arm. I climbed down to the ground with anticipation to sprint back up if I heard any movement from Graham.

"What's your name?" asked Megan.

"James," I replied and looked at Graham, "Why is he chasing me up the tree?"

"He didn't mean to do that... Like a lot of things he doesn't mean to do," Megan said upset.

"I mean everything I do," Graham said boldly.

"Please stop it!" Megan said to Graham. She focused her attention back to me. "My name is Megan and this is my husband Graham."

I reached out my hand and shook her hand. I held it out for Graham who kept his hands crossed.

"Graham... Please," Megan said, "Even if he came from across the forest we can at least show him the right way."

"Not gonna do it honey," Graham said. His feet widened out shoulder width.

"So... Where are you from James?" asked Megan. She was holding back her anger towards Graham.

My first thought was hell. My second was Mormon. Neither would work out to their delight. I learned to say what they wanted to hear. "The other side of town," I replied and waited for a response.

"What is your deceased age?" asked Megan.

"Twenty-one," I said and watched Graham flex his arms impatiently.

"At least he's not a sinner from the middle of the city. I can't stand those old folks," commented Graham. His eyebrows dropped down.

I felt like he was warming up to me.

"How interesting," said Megan delighted, "We are fairly new too. I'm sure you know of what's going on in the inside of the city. It's so unfortunate..."

"It's called bureaucracy honey," Graham said sure of himself.

"I guess so," I said unsure of what else to say.

"We know so!" said Graham, "Why do you think nothing has changed? The Christian faith changes for a good reason in life. Things aren't taken as serious for the older Christians."

"Things have still changed drastically," said Megan.

"Of course honey. But it's not getting better," Graham stated.

"Are you part of the modern Christians?" asked Megan ignoring Graham.

I shook my head yes hoping it was the right answer.

"Thank god," said Graham.

I sighed a relief with their acceptance.

"What city are you from?' asked Megan, "We are from Whitewater."

"I'm on the other side," I said trying to think of a heavenly city, "From... uh... North Lights."

"I've never heard of that city," Graham said, "You sure that's what it's called?"

I shook my head yes.

"Reminds me of the Northern Lights," said Megan.

"What other cities are around you?" Graham asked.

"We are pretty far out. We are suburb people with the same ideals. We value our privacy more," I lied trying to look serious, "We enjoy the wilderness."

"Understandable," said Megan, "It's good to know we have people fighting for the cause on the outside and beyond. You must run into a lot of lost souls."

"I do," I said.

"Ha!" Graham laughed.

They expected me to explain further but I didn't.

"Where you headed?" asked Megan.

"Back home so I should probably get going..." I said with urgency.

"Are you going to be part of the rebellion?" asked Megan, "Everyone's talking about it."

"Rebellion?"

"You see, he doesn't know. I knew we should wait till we get everyone so we can get a full power in numbers to overthrow those scums."

"Honey... Those scum don't know any better," said Megan.

"Their ignorance is no excuse," Graham scolded back.

"Take this James." Megan handed me a folded up paper. "Our next meeting is tomorrow." She was a professional at ignoring Graham. So was Graham to her.

"Thanks," I stuffed the paper in my pocket.

"We will make a difference and no longer be poisoned by false ideals of our own religion," Megan said, "It will be time to put this into action. You should be part of this James."

"What will he do?" Graham chuckled.

"Honey, we need everyone for the cause," said Megan.

"We will send all the outdated souls to hell with God's work," added Graham.

"Are you going to help us bring more to the cause of modern and civilized Christianity?" asked Megan.

"Sure," I said, ready to leave.

"You don't talk much do you?" Graham asked.

"I guess not."

"Why were you so afraid of us?" asked Graham, "Hiding in the tree and all?"

"Leave it alone Graham!" Megan jolted back at Graham.

"I just want to know," Graham said.

"What's your number so we can contact you?" asked Megan.

"Number?"

"He's not going to give it to us honey," Graham said, "I think he's a spy."

"Nonsense," Megan said. She took out a card and handed it to me. "Call us when you're ready to join the cause. It will be starting soon."

"Thanks," I put it in my pocket.

"Where is your family?" asked Megan.

"They are on the other side waiting for me," I said, "So I should probably be leaving."

"To North Lights?" asked Megan.

"Yes," I said. I started separating my distance from them.

"He's lying," Graham whispered to Megan.

Megan hit Graham on the shoulder, "Stop it Graham!"

He stared at me maliciously. I could tell he wanted to kick my ass. "What are the names of your family members?" Graham asked inspecting my thoughts.

"Jason and Elizabeth are my parents. Jennifer is my sister and they are all waiting for me to get back," I said.

Graham continued to study me. "What are you doing completely on the other side of the city?"

"Why do you care?" I started walking away.

Graham put his hand on my shoulder, "The city is that way."

My body stiffened and froze as I felt Graham's fingers on me.

"Stop it Graham!" Megan grabbed onto Graham, "What would Jesus do?"

Graham released his grip on my shoulder. His thick arm retreated back and crossed it with the other arm.

Megan stepped in between us. "I apologize for him. Do you want a token for the cloud cars if you're going to meet your family on the other side? That is the least we can do."

"Sure," I said not knowing what it was.

"Don't give him that," Graham said.

"Thanks," I said to Megan, then turned to Graham, "Bye Graham." I started walking towards the city, feeling I needed to prove that I was capable of surviving in a Christian world. I was likely able to blend in as long as I agreed with everyone. It was easy with the Mormons, but it seemed there was always the occasional person who wanted to chat with me.

The coin Megan gave me was gold and had an embedded cross on it. On the other side was a picture of a cable car. I figured I would try out the cloud cars, whatever they were.

Megan and Graham were arguing again. I could hear Graham trying to lecture Megan who interrupted him with a louder tone. I looked behind to see Graham looking at me over Megan's shoulder.

He wasn't going to let me go that easy.

*

Searching for the cloud cars, I ventured into the Christian city with Graham and Megan trailing behind me. I knew I was close because of the billboards displaying pictures of the cloud cars with arrows pointing me in the general direction.

The city walls were painted white with blending colors that matched the forest. Lines of trees were in front of the white buildings, reminding me of the Mormon city. However, everyone wasn't formally dressed. I un-tucked my shirt and unbuckled some buttons to loosen up my appearance. So far, nobody acknowledged my existence or tried to create conversation with me.

I had no desire to enter the city but Graham's persistence made me continue in. If he wasn't following me, I would have felt better about blending in with the Christians. I checked behind me to see Graham pulling Megan with him. Graham's stature was wider than the majority of the people in the crowd. I ignored him, hoping he would eventually disappear.

There was no trash in the streets, on the sidewalks, or in the corners of buildings. The cleanliness reminded me that the souls in heaven didn't require the necessities that humans needed on earth; resulting in little waste. No resources meant simple perfection. The laminated trim of the streets was proof that nobody had the intention to defile anything.

The pod cars filled the streets in unison and were inches away from each other, making it look impossible for people to operate them. The mechanically controlled vehicles acted as if it was one living organism. Everything had a sense of urgency but also maintained structure and synergy.

I pretended to walk with a purpose like I knew where I was going. The women next to me were conversing about Heaven Central. I remembered hearing about it from the Catholic nuns, which also seemed to be a popular topic in the Christian city.

"Why should we go to Heaven Central when we can't even agree with ourselves?" said the woman.

"Something has got to happen soon," said the other.

"Why are you going that way?" asked the woman to her friend.

"Oh that's right," she replied, "We can take the cloud cars."

They both laughed and turned right.

I exploded with joy on the inside and slowed down to match their pace. I twirled the coin in my pocket and studied their purple dresses with extravagant hats. I didn't want them to think I was following them, but I wanted to get to the cloud cars before Graham did something about it.

I turned the corner and met a new crowd of people walking my way. I continued to listen to other's conversations for anything useful, but most conversations were friendly chit-chat. I didn't know for how long Graham and Megan were going to follow me, but they must have had nothing else to do. With eternal retirement comes an idled life full of boredom. Graham had nothing else to do today but yell at his wife, follow me, and pray. His problem was that following me was something that sparked his dull life. Whatever job he had when he was alive was useless now. He certainly wasn't a thinker and couldn't fill his co-dependent time doing something useful.

Most of the buildings I passed had porches with people sitting down watching their limited front yards. A small grassy patch was in front of the porch, but then turned into sidewalk. On top of each house was a new porch that extended out for a new family living inside. All the families on each story appeared welcoming but I didn't want step on anybody's property. A family sat on their porch at the upcoming house to my side. Everyone was circled around an older gentleman in the middle as he had an open book in his lap and was reading it aloud to his audience. In the street, some of the pods would pull to the side and drop off whomever was inside, without interrupting traffic. The person would then walk into an elevator that would take them to their desired floor.

I kept the two women in front of me in sight and was able to easily identify them from the crowd because of their matching purple dresses. Every crosswalk had a small bridge for everyone to walk over the streets. The moving pods drove underneath.

The two women in purple dresses turned again.

I heard a man beside me ask his friend, "Did you go to the play last night?"

The other man responded, "No, but I heard it was an accurate depiction of Heaven Central portraying our ability to defend our homeland as one."

"It was really inspiring Bob," said the man genuinely.

I quickened my pace to pass them. For some reason that man's voice annoyed me. Every time he spoke, it sounded like he was spitting something out of his mouth. I crossed another overpass and noticed a billboard with electric writing hanging over the street. It read:

Tomorrow's spiritual debate. Tune in live from Heaven Central.

In the middle was a picture of Jesus on a cross surrounded by Christians. To the side was a group of devious individuals in black robes holding torches. The picture was offsetting for me but I didn't aspire to understand the symbolism.

Graham and his eternal companion were still following me like a fly chasing shit. They never separated their hands, making it difficult for everyone else to pass through them. I wanted to scream at them to go away but I continued behind the two purple skirted women. Above me were the cloud cars hanging from a cable and quietly floating over the city; they were shaped like puffy clouds. Each cloud car displayed a unique design but remained the same size.

The two women in front of me stopped to talk with two other men, causing me to walk past them. I felt lost but stayed below the cloud cars, trying to find access. My eyes glanced at a sign on a building that stated:

What have you done for Jesus today?

I didn't give it much thought.

The clouds cars maintained a steady pace. It was more like a scenic tour than a transportation system. Hands were hanging from the sides of the cloud cars reminding me of glimmering convertibles.

Graham and Megan turned the corner behind me. Their stalking made me feel important even though I never cared to see them.

Wide stairs spiraled up to the height of the cloud cars. I decided to try my luck by going up the crowded stairs. I moved to the side so I could look down at Graham and Megan following me up. I was beginning to feel like I was up in the tree again, pleading for Graham to go back down.

As I progressed higher, I noticed the size of the gigantic white and green city. I could see people out on their balconies who were now eye level with me. Most were conversing, or sitting down and watching the city. On top of them, were more balconies with Christians mingling and enjoying their view.

At the top, another sidewalk continued on parallel to the sidewalk below us. Ahead of me were boarding stations with lines between the two rails. The cloud cars hovered over the streets below; they held over twenty people and elevated above the buildings as they progressed. To my dismay, everyone was facing each other; encouraging conversation.

A man behind me was complaining, "I hate taking the cloud cars now. Everything takes forever and it's so crowded."

"We can always move," replied the lady next to him.

"It just going to be the same thing," complained the man.

Their voices disappeared as I waited in line at the boarding station. A teller was on the inside exchanging tickets for people waiting to board the cloud cars. The line was moving at a steady pace, satisfying my impatience. I could see people boarding the cloud cars, sitting down, and then waiting for the side doors to shut as the cloud car moved along, only to be followed by a new cloud car. White bars separated me from the ticket office. Above was a map of the city broken up into different sections and stops. Some cities were written in English while the others were in different languages.

Once people received a ticket, they would advance in line to board the cloud cars.

"Do you know where you are going?" Graham's voice shuttered through my ears.

"I... Do," I said softly, "Yes. I do know." I tried not to acknowledge Graham's presence behind me and could hear Megan whispering in his ear.

"I ought to call the guardians on you," Graham said, "You're not a part of Christianity are you?"

"Leave me alone," I replied.

I felt Graham bump into me with his chest. "And what would you do about it?"

I stepped away from him and went under the white bars cutting in the line to get a ticket. I was able to squeeze through some bodies and separated myself from Graham. He stood with his arms crossed watching me as I proceeded towards the ticket office. I was waiting to be told to go to the end of the line, but nobody confronted me for my impulsive action.

I watched the process of how everyone got their tickets and then neared the next available cloud car. I copied what everyone else did in front of me and knew it would be important not to raise any suspicion during the boarding process. I approached the man behind the window, pressed the coin onto the counter, and slid it his way.

He took the coin and handed me a ticket. I then followed the person in front of me, pretending like I had done this a million times. Graham was walking through the crowd closing in on me, with Megan right behind him. I anxiously waited with everyone for the next cloud car.

"Hey!" Graham yelled through the crowd, "Stop him."

Everyone turned around to focus on Graham. His thick arms didn't have a natural sway that most people had when they walked.

"He's not a Christian!" Graham yelled.

Panic stirred throughout the crowd. People began talking amongst themselves to confirm the person next to them was who they said they were. The ladies in front of me turned around to see who I was. I shrugged my shoulders, pretending I didn't know what was going on. They turned back around and boarded the cloud car that stopped in front of them. I quickly followed behind them trying to get onto the cloud car.

A man with a blue hat and a matching suit stopped me with his hand. I watched the women board the cloud car and sit down. "Hold on a minute sir," said the man.

"I'm with them," I said quickly.

Graham was close behind.

The man in blue looked at the two women who were waving at their friends behind me. I waved back at the women pretending I knew them.

"Sorry," said the man.

I stepped onto the cloud car and then sat next to the two women.

"Don't let him get on!" screamed Graham.

The cloud car's doors closed as it began to move slowly. I watched Graham get stopped by the man in the blue.

"Wait your turn sir," he said.

Graham began arguing at the front of the line, provoking everyone behind him. I smiled and drifted away from the commotion Graham had started, thankful that nobody was listening to him.

"But he's not a Christian!" Graham yelled at the man and pointed in my direction. Megan was pointing with Graham. Her only choice must have been to assist Graham's with his stubborn mission to prove I didn't belong here.

Everyone in the cloud car was looking around, unable to determine if something was wrong. The two women to my left whispered to each other and looked in my direction. I kept quiet and pretended I wasn't bothered by Graham's disturbance. To my right were four nuns and a group of eight Christian souls who were talking with each other and laughing. They must have already dismissed Graham's accusations of a non-Christian in their cloud car. In front of me were a couple and two other women that were talking quietly amongst themselves. I was the only one by myself.

I watched Graham and Megan board the cloud car behind me, at least twenty yards away from me. Graham demonstrated his usual intimidating posture with his arms crossed and shoulders proudly in the air to show off his muscular stature. He shoved Megan into her seat and finally sat down next to her.

I leaned back in my seat and shifted my head down so I couldn't see Graham and Megan in the cloud car behind me. There was no way for them to reach me as long I was in my cloud car.

"Who was that man talking about?" said the nun sitting next to me.

I shrugged my shoulders. "Beats me."

The nun smiled, "What's your name?"

I thought about it for a moment. "James," I replied. I figured I wouldn't have to lie about a name.

"One of Jesus' brothers," said the nun with delight.

"Yep," I replied agreeing to agree.

"You must be proud to be named by an important figure," said the nun, "My name is Sister Mary. I feel so proud to be named after the Mary Magdalene."

"That must be great," I said humoring her.

"Great for me and _just_ for you," she said smiling, "Mr. James the just." Her hazel eyes were filled with kindness. She had a pleasant face with puffy rosy cheeks.

The nun next to Sister Mary showed her something from a bible. Sister Mary took out a notepad and began copying a quote from the bible.

"So James... Where are you headed to?" asked Sister Mary, "We are heading to Heaven Central to do some of the lord's work."

"I'm... I'm going to visit my family," I replied.

"Oh how perfect," Sister Mary said, "I love visiting my family. They are in another city though. It feels so nice to re-unite with them after they have passed away from earth. I'm sure it's been the same for you."

"Yep," I replied.

"What are your parent's names if you don't mind me asking?"

"Jason and Elizabeth," I replied.

"Such exceptional names. I always try to put faces to people's names when I cannot meet them." Sister Mary closed her eyes. "Oh yes... I can see them now. Your parents look so happy together."

"Thanks," I said, "I wish I would be able to see them."

"What do you mean? You are on your way now," said Sister Mary.

I messed up forgetting that I was lying. "Of course," I replied tentatively, "I meant that I wish I could see them now."

"Your expression about them looks sad," said Sister Mary, "As you may know, we can help improve your relationship with your family, if any help is ever needed."

I gave her a mortified look. The last thing I wanted was for her to help me out.

"We do the lord's work for families," Sister Mary said and handed me her card, "If you want to talk about it, call me."

I took the card from her and shoved it in my pocket. "Thanks."

"When did you arrive in heaven?" asked Sister Mary.

The sensation of fear stirred through my brain as I thought about the first time I arrived in hell.

"It seems like years now," I replied, "But not that long."

"So you are fairly new," said Sister Mary, "You had more of a youthful look to you. I knew it. Not that it's a bad thing. Recently, our Christian nation has made great strides to where we are at now and we face new challenges every day."

Sister Mary reminded me of my confrontation with the Catholic nuns. I had to be nice to her no matter what she said. I would certainly meet my demise if I jumped out of a cloud car, but she seemed different than the Catholic sisters.

"Sounds difficult," I replied.

"Yes James," said Sister Mary, "Everything in heaven is about faith. I used to see so much suffering of people from hunger and poverty, but now there is none of that. It's nice to know that we are finally in heaven together as one Christian nation. Without hopelessness around us, we have to do our work elsewhere like in hell. I'm sure you've heard of the talk that's buzzing around Heaven Central?"

"What are you talking about?" I asked. I was glad she was doing all the talking.

"They want to set a quota for all the religions accepting people from hell. This means we would only be able to accept a certain amount of people each day. I think some people are afraid of Heaven being overcrowded and letting in the wrong people. I don't know how they can think that. We are all God's children."

"That's a bummer," I replied.

"Why can't they let us control our own portion of heaven," said Sister Mary, "It's been hard enough for the older people to adapt to the new culture of Christianity. I suppose that's why we have a Heaven Central though. We want to make sure everything is similar so we don't have uprisings like from the past. It has been worse at Heaven Central."

"Uprisings?"

"Heaven Central was created so we can all peacefully co-exist. Although, there have never been much fellowships. We all stay in our own cities and follow our own teachings. But sometimes I feel Heaven Central tries to control things too much."

"That's good that everyone gets their own portion of heaven," I said. I could not see Graham getting along with the Catholic nuns.

"Do you have family in hell?" asked Sister Mary.

I thought about Jennifer, Jason, and Elizabeth. "Yes," I said.

"It's saddening to hear that. I also have family in hell. What is there to do when you don't accept Jesus in your life?" asked Sister Mary.

I felt like she was asking me personally. "Not much," I replied.

"Yes James. Not much," repeated Sister Mary, "Look down below you James."

I took a glance below me noticing we were higher up than I expected. I didn't want to glance at Graham and Megan behind me.

"Everyone is here because of their faith. My sisters and I have gone all around the world helping people find their faith. What you see is the result of all of our hard work. The ones we have saved have now joined us in heaven. You truly don't know what you've done until you've seen the results here at home."

"Cool," I said trying to sound enthusiastic.

"The once poor and lost are now strong and faithful. I have done so much of the lord's work and it's just the beginning. I want everyone to hear about it," Sister Mary said cheerfully.

I was beginning to feel annoyed.

The cloud car stopped as the group of eight exited the cloud car and more boarded, replacing their seats.

We started moving again.

"I prayed yesterday that everyone would get the same chance as the little town of Pueblo got when I visited them," said Sister Mary, "Everyone deserves a chance, even if they are from a third world country."

"How long does it take to get to Heaven Central?" I wanted to change the subject. Her spiritual satisfaction was undeniably sickening. It bothered me that people did deeds for others based on their personal salvation. If I lived in a shitty country, I wouldn't want a privileged American to tell me how to live.

"You never been?"

"No. I mainly stay here," I said.

"We usually take the shuttle. They are really fast but it tends to get busy once you hit the city. It's the largest city in heaven. The only bad thing is there are so many multi-believers." Sister Mary paused. She then leaned in and whispered into my ear. "They are scared and lost."

"What do you mean by multi-believers?" I asked.

"That means you believe in more than one religion. Heaven Central was created partially for this reason. Since God has not shown his face, many people think that we are not ready to see him. Others feel that it doesn't matter the religion as long as you believe in him. He is waiting for the right time. To whom or to all is the real question."

"When do you think that will happen?" I asked.

"It's hard to say. I know we are safe as long as we continue to strive to better ourselves with our faith. "Don't you agree James?"

"Sure," I said, "So there are people who are... every religion?"

"You can say that. There are people like that. I feel they have no faith," said Sister Mary.

We sat in silence for a moment.

"You don't go out much do you?" asked Sister Mary.

"I guess not," I said. I didn't know if she meant to insult me or not.

Sister Mary lost interest with me and began to strike up a conversation with her companion.

I scanned the city below me. Everything was built with perfection; nothing was old or rusted. The beauty of the city sparkled from every rooftop and street corner. I was amazed at how much dedication was put into the city. However, without flaw, I found it meaningless.

I now understood why people like Sister Mary helped people in poor and oppressed countries. They wanted to get into heaven and personally develop a spiritual connection. Helping people who were less fortunate was a necessary act of kindness to gain acceptance. But, I admired her generosity.

The cloud cars came to a stop. I watched the nuns stand up and prepare to exit off the cloud car. Sister Mary smiled at me with compassion as the doors opened.

"May god be with you James," Sister Mary said. She placed her hand on my arm, "And your parents."

"Thanks," I replied.

I watched her exit with her nun friends. They all took small steps and followed the line into the crowd.

They were replaced by new people walking onto the cloud car. Most were couples who were quiet as they entered. A short haired woman sat down close to me; her purse jabbing into my side. I tried to turn my body away from her but she scooted closer with her back against me.

The cloud car started its normal progress as the doors closed up, but the short haired women continued to invade my space. Her body leaned on me, so I extended my forearm into her back to let her know I was behind her.

She jolted and then turned around, "Sorry."

Her eyes were full of color and beautiful, but once I examined the rest of her face, everything looked abnormal. Her nose was lower than usual and too close to her wide mouth. The shape of her face was smaller and her forehead wide, distracting from the glistening color in her eyes.

"It's ok," I said, happy to get my personal space back. I glanced back at Graham and Megan who were sitting in the cloud car behind me. They had no confirmation that I wasn't a Christian, but for some reason they saw me as a threat. I didn't know when I had to exit but tried not to think of that notion. For now, I was temporarily safe.

I never thought I would be floating on a cloud in heaven.

*

"All passengers must exit," a woman's voice announced though the speakers.

I sat alone in the cloud car anxious to exit as Graham and Megan waited in their cloud car behind me.

The vacated cloud car I resided in stopped and then the door slid open.

Graham and Megan were most likely ready to pounce on me once they had the opportunity to. The delay between cloud cars gave me time to make my escape. But I also didn't want to make it look like I was trying to run from them. I stepped off the cloud car and nodded my head to the guard standing at the side of the gate. I started walking at a fast pace trying to create as much distance as possible from Graham and Megan. I waited for them to scream at the guard but it never happened.

I continued along the path until I hit the stairs. My arm used the side railing for balance as my feet carelessly skipped down every other step. I paid no attention to the onlookers. I landed onto the sidewalk and headed in the direction most people were walking. The Christian city was still urban with no forest in sight.

Being on the cloud car gave me the opportunity to see how the city functioned. Watching people board and then leave also allowed me to view the entire population of the Christian city. I remembered the map I had briefly looked at before I boarded the cloud cars was separated into different sections according to one's culture, though everyone was still Christian. Listening to their conversations made me realize their tolerance for one another was functional as long as they didn't live nearby the Christians they disagreed with. Their acceptance was questionable and existence meaningless. Some had been converted to Christianity when they were in hell. Others had been Christians their entire lives whose purpose was to convert new souls.

I had been anxiously walking for some time staying at a safe distance from Graham and Megan and looking for somewhere to hide. Ahead of me, a red triple-decker bus was parked on the side. Its retro look made it look futuristic. It stood out from the bland colors of the buildings and streets. A digital sign on the top displayed:

To Heaven Central

That was where I needed to go. If I had learned anything from Jason and Elizabeth; they always said, 'If you get to the center, you will find what you are looking for.' And if I couldn't find them, I could uncover a way for them to get out of hell, if they were still there. I knew a Christian nation was not for Jason and Elizabeth. They would never think about going to a place where I was. And being chased by the village idiot named Graham didn't help.

I wanted to know how to get a ticket for the bus. Or I needed another coin that Megan had given me.

"Hey," I said to the stranger standing next to the bus, "How do I get on this bus?"

The man immediately started laughing. "Good one!" he slapped me on the back.

I wanted to slap him on the back with more force but I decided to keep walking.

I watched each person wearing purple shirt as they boarded the bus. They walked past the bus driver without paying and found a seat, and then stuck their head out of the window smiling and waving, ready to embark to Heaven Central.

I stepped to the side to see another man with a stack of purple shirts over his arm. He stood in front of a window where a group of Christians were praying in a circle.

"Can I have a shirt?" I asked softly.

"Of course!" said the man, "It's good of you to do some work at Heaven Central. We welcome anyone willing to go!" He handed me a shirt. "So what's—"

"Thanks!" I interrupted him before I was sucked into useless conversation.

I quickly ran into the corner and unbuttoned my white shirt, quickly replacing it with a purple shirt. The shirt was too big for me, so I tried to roll up the sleeves and the extra wool that excessively hung over my slacks, but everything quickly unfolded. The shirt went down to my thighs and sleeves to my elbows. I threw my white shirt behind me, hoping nobody saw me littering, and uncomfortably tucked the large shirt into my pants.

What made that guy think I could fit into such a large shirt? It didn't matter as long as I could get a free ride to Heaven Central, then I could ditch the giant purple dress.

Graham stepped in front of me blocking the bus. "Where do you think you're going?"

Megan caught up behind them. I could tell both of them were running.

"What do you want?" I asked, "I have a bus to catch."

"Sure," Graham said sarcastically, "We know who you are. You don't belong here."

"Just leave me alone," I said, and tried to walk past him.

Graham held out his thick arm pushing me back. "I am going to take care of you myself the way the lord intended," said Graham pounding his fists together.

Megan was no longer aiding him with his mission to kick my ass.

"What is your problem?" I asked with frustration.

"My problem is your problem," he responded back.

"When you bash my face in, can you just kill me? I really don't like looking at your empty face," I said, trying to delay some time to find an escape.

"I'm sure we can come to an arrangement," Graham said staring me down.

"Last call!" shouted the man in front of the bus.

"I gotta go," I said.

Graham lunged towards my direction. His thick arms were wide open in attempts to contain me. I quickly ducked under him and sprinted towards the bus. Graham's wide body was too slow to turn around and grab me.

I didn't waste any time to get to the bus. "Wait for me!"

The bus driver standing in front of the door stepped aside to let me through. Graham quickly followed behind, trying to pass into the bus door.

"Whoa sir," said the bus driver to Graham, "Where's your shirt."

I heard Graham yell at the driver. They continued to argue as I stepped up into the bus. I walked down the aisle waiting to be stopped by someone but nothing happened.

I made my way to the back of the bus, passing the purple shirted Christians with their heads poking out the windows. An open seat appeared and I immediately sat down. Out the window, Graham was arguing with the bus driver. I watched Megan intervene and try to calm down the argument, looking upset with Graham.

They finally began to have a polite and civilized conversation. The bus driver shook both of their hands and walked into the bus. The door closed without letting Graham in. He walked alongside the bus scanning the windows and skulking at everyone waving. I popped my head out the window and waved at him, fitting in with everyone else.

"Don't ever come back!" yelled Graham.

Everyone in the crowd was surprised with his comment. A few looked at him strange as if he was serious. They shrugged it off and started waving again. Megan waved at me relieved that the escapade was over, but Graham slapped her hand down. He then pulled her arm as they turned their backs and walked away.

I sat down and relaxed with a smile. There was nobody sitting next to me which I liked. I could shut out everything and wouldn't have to worry about conversation or awkward moments with strangers. The only uncomfortable feeling was the large shirt that covered my body like a dress.

The purple seats were soft and comfortable as I sunk my shoulders into the cushions and stretched out my legs. In front of me on the backside of the seat, was a bible in an interlaced pocket. Scrunched behind the bible was a magazine with a picture of a couple on the front. They were hugging and smiling over the words of _Christians United_. I grabbed it from out of the pouch and began to read its contents.
"Ah hem." The bus driver cleared his throat. He stood over me and was about to put his hand on my shoulder. He now had his blue driver hat on. He had a thin black mustache that moved with his facial expressions.

"Sir, I want to talk with you." He fixed his hat and sat down next to me.

I rolled up my sleeves nervously waiting for his next move.

"I don't know if what that man was saying is true or not but I'm here to ask you the truth. Are you a Christian?"

"Why does it matter?" I blurted out. I didn't mean for it to sound so loud.

"Look here... What's your name?" the bus driver asked.

"James," I replied.

"Ok James... We have a lot of people that come into the city. Some pass through to get to somewhere else while others are spies. Are you a spy or are you passing through?"

"I'm passing through," I replied. I twirled the hanging sleeve of my purple shirt.

"I never encourage other religions to visit our city, but if you leave and don't make a scene, we will have no problems. Just remember, this is a privileged ride to Heaven Central, and I don't ever want to see you again," said the bus driver.

"No problem. I am outta here," I responded.

"Good. I'm not going to ask you where you are from; or what you believe," ranted the bus driver, "All I care is that you don't talk to anyone and you stay out of our way. Can you do that?"

"Yes," I replied. What the bus driver asked me was something I could do with ease. If I were to be left alone, my trip would be golden.

The bus driver readjusted his hat again.

"Not a word from me." I stuck out my hand to shake.

"Ok James," he agreed and grasped my hand tightly, shaking it up and down. I was still holding the magazine in my hand and began shuffling through it again. The bus driver didn't get up, but instead watched me sit in my seat as I pretended to read the magazine.

"You know... Wherever you came from, we still offer help," he said, then slipped out his card, "This is my number if you want to learn. If you are interested in Christianity, then give me a call. You might already be interested, but if you need any help, I am always here to help you down the right path. We are all God's children."

"Uh hmm," I replied shaking my head yes. I was getting a free ride so I had to deal with his bullshit. It seemed no matter where I went I was always getting harassed.

"It is all up to you," the bus driver said unsure.

"I know," I replied.

"Good," said the bus driver. He stood up and fixed his hat. "You behave now."

"I will." I wanted to tell him to go fuck himself but decided that would be unwise.

I watched the bus driver sit down and adjust his mirror. His eyes challenged me, ignoring the rest of the passengers. He honked his horn twice and the bus began moving. It was the smoothest sounding bus without the annoying sounds of an engine. Voices cheering from the outside were still yelling "Godspeed" and "farewell."

Everyone began to close the windows and settle back into their seats. A blond haired lady in front of me moved her head back inside and greeted me with a smile. "Hi there!" Her hand made a big half circled wave.

I rolled my eyes and ignored her. I then stared out the window, assuming she got the message that I didn't want to talk with her. And since the bus driver didn't want me to talk to anyone on the bus, it gave me an excuse to be a dick. Plus, she wouldn't have had anything interesting to say.

She sat down to my relief.

It was good to know I was getting out of this terrible city, and thus far, Heaven Central sounded better than the places I had already visited. Having secluded cities broken up into ideals and beliefs to avoid conflict was disturbing. It was almost taboo for an outcast like me to visit, though I was glad I didn't have to linger any longer.

Heaven Central was the heart of Heaven, however, conflicting beliefs in separate cities created tension. Even on earth, anyone religious was confident they would experience an afterlife no matter what the other side believed. But then, finding out that all religions prevailed once arriving in heaven would be shocking, and perhaps upsetting. This made me believe there would never be any peace among heavenly souls until they were all extinguished.

I entertained the idea of a revolution as I enduringly sat in the bus. Overall, most people would fight for what they strongly believed in. From what quelled underneath each soul existed the potential to ignite a holy anarchy that could leave Heaven Central a burning mess.

It would be a nice change.

*

I followed the purple shirted Christians off the bus as they all took their time, testing my patience. I watched people talk, gather their belongings, or not pay attention to the task at hand. Before exiting the bus, I changed out of my extra-large purple shirt and into a white shirt that I took from the gullible Christian who sat across from me. The bus driver didn't say anything to me but gave me a deliberate nod as I threw the purple shirt to the side.

"Ok everyone," I heard a man say, "I want everyone to stick together."

I slipped from the group and walked the opposite direction. I immediately recognized the diversity of people speaking different languages around me. The crowd on the sidewalk reminded me of a busy downtown city in the morning when everyone was on their way to work. Every diverse building was close together with its own color and sign hanging over the sidewalk.

I didn't know where I was going, which was becoming a normal routine for me in heaven. I decided to turn around and follow the Christian group. They were en route to the Heaven Central headquarters and would help guide me to a destination. I wanted to find Jennifer, Jason, and Elizabeth, but as much as I wanted to see them, I knew my hopes were bleak.

The Christian group started walking on an incline that led to a plateau with more condensed buildings. I followed behind them looking up at the signs hanging overhead:

Have Christian and Catholic insurance

I looked through the window to see a receptionist talking on the phone as a small line formed in front of her. Next to it was another sign for the building next door:

Jewish for Christians Insurance

Everywhere I looked, there were more signs for insurance. Someone could have insurance for a new religion while keeping their own faith. Conversion signs were also posted, showing the souls walking by that is was justified to be a multibeliever. Other signs were in different languages, but written on the bottom was either an insurance logo or a conversion logo to signify the difference.

Heaven Central was a way to certify your existence in case if your own faith was wrong. Everyone was still confident of their own faith, but there was uncertainty in the air. I understood why people thought it was controversial from the other cities.

The group of Christians from the bus was not distracted by any of the signs or attractions like I was. They hit the top of the plateau and slowly disappeared as the street ascended down. I lost sight of them as I picked up my pace, walking uphill. I passed under a sign that listed numerous religions, and above the sign in bigger font:

Update your faith

I finally reached the plateau to see an enormous building that was shaped like a coliseum but had much more width and height that was over one-hundred stories tall. The monstrosity made its presence known throughout the city, clearly making it the center of attention. I spotted the group of Christians headed in the direction to the coliseum. At the top of the coliseum was a flashing billboard:

Afternoon Debate: Is Jesus a messenger or prophet?

I remembered Betty at the halfway house telling me that the Muslims were wrong saying that it would be blasphemous to identify Jesus with God. Betty would remind me that Jesus was not a messenger and that I need to include him in my life. She thought I was the antichrist. I felt like Betty's face was going to show up on the billboard.

The group of Christians waited in line that wrapped around the coliseum for the afternoon debate. They had been reading and practicing bible verses on the bus; the several movies they played reviewed the story of Jesus as well. I was beginning to have an unwanted knowledge about different religions.

A man with a top hat stood to my side in front of his store. His voice attracted my attention. "Ladies and Gentlemen!" he yelled, "Sell insurance! Sell satisfaction! Gain security!" He reminded me of the cheesy salespeople at the telemarketing firm where I worked at for a short time. He was the reason I hated working for a wage.

He saw that I was staring at him. "Sir? How would you like to sell insurance and gain a much needed satisfaction for your fellow brothers and sisters? We are certified in all of the main religions and most minor religions."

I pretended to look past him, staring into the window behind him with cubicles on the inside. I pictured people sitting behind their desks on the phone bullshitting vulnerable customers.

"Gain knowledge, respect, and an everlasting hand in safety through God. He will thank thee in the end!" I started to walk down hill to be out of sight from the annoying man.

Next to the coliseum was an ancient church of good size but didn't compare to the surrounding structures. A few nuns in front of the church were protesting while people were exiting and entering. Many walked pass the nuns as if they didn't exist. Other churches were closed down, looking desolate and outdated. The ancient buildings were fenced off, ready to be torn down and then rebuilt for a newer age. The churches were secondary to the popular coliseum that was perfectly placed in the center of the valley.

At the bottom of the hill, I stopped to look to look at a grass field encased by a fence. Inside this were people playing with their robot dogs. The robotic critters danced, chased a Frisbee, or ran with their master, wagging their tails like a real dog and demonstrating an affectionate face. Many dogs were racing while their masters cheered them on.

"You interested in signing the petition for dogs going to heaven?" asked a man with a clipboard in front of me. He had a goatee and short black hair.

"No thanks," I responded and stared back into the field of robotic dogs.

"You know," said the man, "This event was not designed for you watch. It's meant to save your pals that you left behind on earth. They deserve the same right to religion as you."

"No thanks," I said kindly.

The man grunted and continued on his way to his next victim standing nearby.

As the robots elegantly moved through the field, their masters praised the obedience displayed in front of them. I always hated the idea of how people thought their pets went to this remote place called "doggy heaven." It seemed baptism of domestic pets was inevitable. The pets were victim to the beliefs of the family adopting them.

I heard the man with the clipboard ask the woman to sign the petition.

"Do you think dogs have the same soul as humans?" a woman expressed to him, "because they don't."

"I'm not saying that maim," delegated the man, "I'm saying they should be able to join us since we've built a relationship with them."

"Get out of my way. I don't want to hear your nonsense," said the woman walking away displeased.

The man seeking signatures moved onto the next victim and received a handshake from the woman down the way. She signed the paper on the clipboard and handed it back to him with a smile. She then thanked him and walked through the gate onto the field of robotic pets playing with their masters.

Next to the field was a robotic pet store. Inside were dogs, cats, birds, and rodents at the expense for humans. The squawks of birds and barks of dogs made it look like a real pet store. Posted on the wall, next to the robotic pet store, was a flyer that read:

Hell Guardians needed

The front was a picture of two giants with wings. The photo reminded me of the instances where they would soar above us and control our behaviors in hell.

I read further down:

Do you want some excitement in your work? Come join us and learn to be an avatar hell guardian. Patrol hell with safety and make a difference. All religions welcome! Must meet certain qualifications and standards based on regulations from the Heaven Central committee. Certain converts not accepted.

At the bottom was a list of contact numbers and websites.

"Ridiculous," I murmured to myself and moved on.

Next to the robot store was a library, indicating a quiet place of solitude. Bigger than most buildings, the library had glass walls that reflected the bodies that walked by. I stopped to observe my skinny body. It had been some time since I looked at myself in the mirror, but I didn't give any thought to my appearance.

I walked through the door and passed the front counter, not paying attention to the person behind it. Aisles of bookshelves were on both sides of me. Every section was broken up into the religion with different bibles separated according to year. Nothing interested me as I continued down to foreign languages.

"You look lost. Can I help you?" said a low calming voice behind me.

The man standing behind me caught me off guard. His long curly hair reached his shoulders and his glasses were too big for his face.

"Just looking," I replied.

"Can I at least guide you in the right direction?" asked the man.

"You don't have a map or anything, do you?" I asked.

"I think we do," said the man. He put his hand on his chin. "It should be in the back close to the historical books."

"Historical?"

"Yes," he said, "follow me."

I hadn't realized the size of the library and how many books were stacked on the shelves. The quantity of bibles and books would take thousands of lives to finish. I knew I had found a resting point to hang out and enjoy my solitude without being harassed. The library had chairs and bean bags to sit down and read.

The man in front of me stopped at a line of books, and knelt down to confirm that he was right. "Here we are," he said, "My name is Albert if you need anything or have any questions."

"Thanks." I took a deep breath and relaxed as he left me by myself in front of the tall bookcases. Unable to reach the top and not knowing where to start, I stooped down to pick out a book. Inside were intricate drawings of cities and sections with an explanation underneath. Each page had a legend for stores, streets, religion, cultures, and spiritual sites. I put it back with the other books and scanned along the shelve looking for something to peak my interest.

My eyes stopped to a section of books that had the title:

A Map of Heaven

I picked up the first book, _A Map of Heaven-A1_ written on the seam and opened it up. With over a thousand pages, the table of contents assorted each section into cities and religion. I quickly scanned through the thin papers and opened up to a gap in the middle. A folded paper was crushed in the middle. I carefully unraveled it as it opened up into a poster.

I was used to seeing a map of the world with oceans and familiar land, but this map was only land and nothing was recognizable, except for in the middle where Heaven Central was. The city was neatly written in cursive and its icon was a golden kingdom. Around Heaven Central were names of different cities with the description of religion in parenthesis. I couldn't locate the Mormon city I had been living in for some time, and shuttered remembering what I had gone through there.

I followed the roads with my finger on the map. Any green scattered around the dotted cities meant I was in the forest. On separate sides of the map was writing in large print that stated: _See page B1. See page C1._

I folded the map back into the book and tried to find page B1, but after scanning though it, there was no _B1_ or _C1_. I closed the book and placed it back onto the shelf. Next to this book was:

A Map of Heaven-B1

Next to this book were _C1_ , and then _D1_. I followed the books all the way down until _Z1_. After _Z1_ was _A2_.

I was going to be here awhile. Heaven was like the universe, I couldn't grasp my head around the concept.

*

It took some time to become affiliated with the library and scan through the voluminous rows of books leaning against the other. I had to stay in the historical book section because I couldn't tolerate the fictional readings. Most novels had a religious context where the character learned something new about his or her faith and then corrected the mistake from the past; then everybody lived happily ever after.

I was getting acclimated to where I was geographically and was beginning to dig deeper into the history of heaven. Without having to sleep, my mind continued to learn nonstop. I hadn't left the library once, even to look outside. It was so easy to get lost in a book and not have to worry about myself. When I read, I didn't care about being stuck in heaven, though I knew I would eventually have to find something else to do since there were limited amounts of non-fictional work. I certainly didn't want to learn more about God, so I stayed busy with what was available to me.

I enjoyed stacking a bunch of books under my comfortable blue chair, and then remained there until I had read them all. I kicked up my feet on a stool that I had taken from the other room. I was able to sink back into the walls and between the bookshelves in the corner without being noticed. Albert, the store owner, usually walked by to check on me.

I finished reading about the third major war in heaven. It was comical because when people were killed, they came right back through the gates of heaven and joined everyone back onto the battle field in an endless fight to conquer heaven. There was never satisfaction in a stalemate. This was something that occurred periodically until Heaven Central was created in attempts to unite everyone under one compromise that all would be saved. I now understood why Heaven was so widespread and infinite. When agreement was uncertain and there was no way to kill your enemy, a secluded place was most desirable where people could live by their own rules.

Everyone was eventually obligated to report to Heaven Central when confrontation arose, so it could be settled peacefully. But with peace came debate. Opposing views would protest, argue, and insist on change to increase prophesy, usually ending in political jargon that nobody won. I surrendered the thought of ever taking a side with anyone. Agreeing and then walking away as quickly as possible was my strategy when people started talking with me. Most people had to reveal their faith before conversation got more personal, almost as a formality to make sure the other side wasn't to be offended. The books helped me remain isolated and minimized any social obligation.

The current book in front of me was _The Development of the holy car-boat._

Albert, the book store owner, appeared over me. "You've been in here for a long time now. What's your business?" He stood next to me, arranging the books on the shelves. He was looking down on me as I sat in my blue chair with my book unfolded.

I placed my finger on the sentence I was currently at in my book. "I... I like reading." I didn't like my angle from my chair because I could see up his nose.

Albert tapped the remaining books with his fingers and then placed them onto the shelf. "Me too," he said. He paused and examined the front of the book I was reading. "What I'm trying to get at is that you have been here for almost two months. Don't you have somewhere else to be? I don't mean to be rude but most people are here for no longer than a day..."

"I can leave if you want." I waited for a response, not wanting to leave. I wouldn't know where to go.

"Its fine," replied Albert, "I am interested as to why you are here. I like people who read and are educated about heaven. I have always thought to make it a requirement to have knowledge of everything. With education comes enlightenment."

"That's true." I didn't want to respond further to spark a conversation, and then looked back into my book ready to start reading again.

"What city do you come from?" asked Albert.

I figured I had to start talking since he had the capability to kick me out if he wanted. "I just came from a Christian city close by. The one with the cloud cars..." I hoped that was sufficient enough.

"Oh yes! I heard of those cloud cars. I have never been but that is one of the biggest Christian cities out there. I am Christian too but I also have roots in Catholicism and Judaism, which I have insurance for."

"That's good," I replied.

"You look like a knowledgeable person. Would I be correct?" examined Albert.

"I guess so," I said flattered.

"I am more of a new age kind of guy. I know there is a lot of faith out there and we are all working towards the same goal. That's why I like to live in Heaven Central. Do you define yourself as a specific denomination or are you one of them generic Christians like me?"

"Like you," I agreed immediately, "Why do you not live in the Christian cities?"

"I like diversity. I have my beliefs but enjoy the company of a different opinion every once in a while. It seems healthy. That's what I think anyways."

I looked back into my book. I was about halfway finished.

Albert distracted my attention from the book. "Are you visiting or do you live here?"

"Just visiting. I had to get away for awhile," I said trailing off, "Has this library always been here? It has so much information available. I didn't even know where to start." I chuckled trying to divert his attention from my personal life.

"I started, oh, about twenty years ago here. The shop belongs to my grandfather; and his before that, and so on. They are all in their own cities because there was only so much of Heaven Central they could tolerate. I'm fairly new to everything but I don't know what I would do if I couldn't read. As the population increases, so does heaven. Now, there is an immense amount of new age people coming in here. And remember, it's a permanent stay for most. Almost like a well behaved vacation or spring break from what I've heard from people now-a-days."

"Do you know of a good place to retire from all of this?" I asked, "Just get away from all of this, that's not in a forest?"

"You mean... Where can you get away from all this political nonsense?"

"I guess," I replied, "I would like to find some friends of mine but they are long away from here."

"Where at," said Albert, "We have maps of everything and nothing is out of reach."

"They... They are in hell," I replied.

"Ah yes, I see," said Albert, "My brother is down there. I have done some research into that and it seems the only way to get to heaven is to believe."

I wanted to tell him that I didn't believe either but didn't know him well enough. "But there must be another way. Or what if there is a way to not go to heaven or hell?"

"What do you mean?" asked Albert.

"How do I explain this... I know faith is important, right?" I asked.

"Yes," replied Albert who was now bending his eyebrows inquisitively.

"But why do we have to exist after death? What is the point of all this?"

Albert chuckled with his nose shriveling, but then stopped to think about my question. "Of all the things I've heard, this is always the most entertaining. People are so impatient for something big to happen here. We are always waiting for God instead of focusing on ourselves. I couldn't imagine not existing, but you do bring up an interesting point. I don't agree with it, but I think we need to be slightly more realistic in heaven if God is to ever show his face here. I have always pondered from time to time what is next in heaven and I _do_ believe that something good will happen. You don't sound too optimistic in God do you?"

"I dunno," I replied.

"I'm sure when the time is right, we will all be saved. Just give it some time," said Albert, "You sound like you're a young fellow? How old are you?"

"Not that old," I replied, "I died early."

"I can't even remember when I passed away," Albert thought for a moment and laughed.

I tried to fake a laugh but it sounded horrible. I looked back into my book as my finger still pressed on the sentence I was at.

Albert looked at the book on my lap. "If you need anything let me know. I have some recommendations for you to read though. In fact, I might just go get them for you." He formed a smile on his face and walked away.

I hoped he wasn't going to bring me a cheery novel or some heart filled romantic novel. Albert seemed like a limited idealist with his heart conquering his brain. He was at least kind enough to let me stay.

I retreated to my car-boat book. The amphibious vehicle interested me, but the author believed it was developed in case if heaven was ever flooded. I didn't know if it was a conspiracy or if some readers actually believed him. Car-boats were an older design that were no longer manufactured and sold at antique auctions in Heaven Central. Books like these helped keep me entertained in a heavenly world. There was going to be time when I would be finished with the historical section, and was going to have to find something new to read. Perhaps Albert was going would have something interesting for me. The maps didn't appeal to me anymore and I didn't want to start on any heavenly novels.

It was convenient that the library never closed. Normally I would have to go home when I was alive, but now, I could maintain some of my sanity by never leaving. My idea of salvation was a library, and if anything, it was my safe zone, but I wondered for how long.

Albert returned fumbling a stack of books in his hand, trying to balance them in front of him. I could tell he quickly had grabbed whatever was on his personal shelf and stacked everything together. I watched him awkwardly walk over to where I was sitting and then drop his pile of books in front of my feet.

I folded the page I was on to save my spot and bent over to pick up Albert's books onto my lap. There were seven thick books total.

"These will get you started off," Albert said, "Let me know if you like these. They are some of my favorites."

"Thanks," I replied. I picked up the first book on my lap. _The Race to the End of Heaven._ I set it aside and looked at the covers of the other books. _Blasphemous Pleasures, The Sleep Helmet, Distant Love, From War to Peace, From Knights to Baby Boomers._ The last one was _The Gadabout in Hell._ I remembered encountering different types of people who enjoyed wandering around hell, attracted to disorder and decay. They were at the least entertaining to watch and sometimes to engage.

"Ah the _Gadabout in hell,"_ recited Albert, "I found this particularly enthralling. This book discusses the lives of most deranged people in hell. One of our own Christians was granted access to interview many of the twisted people in hell. He came up with some defining conclusions."

"They probably were not as bad before they entered hell," I said.

"Perhaps," agreed Albert and paused, "There is also a reason as to why they are there. I agree with some things and don't with others. It's difficult to debate that subject. That is probably why we are still having debacles at Heaven Central. Another book in there called _From War to Peace_ tries to bridge that gap of political nonsense but I feel the author was unsuccessful. Tell me what you think."

"Ok," I replied, "Thanks for lending me the books."

"Anything I can do to create more knowledge for someone," replied Albert.

I felt like I was getting too personal with Albert. He was beginning to come off as too strong and buddy-buddy. His ways of bonding was by supplying me with his personal books and then discussing them with me after I finished reading them.

"What is this one about?" I asked, " _Blasphemous Pleasures..."_

Albert snickered, "You will have to read it. It talks about how we strive for pleasure even when we are in Heaven. As you know, our souls are not meant for sexual pleasures, or eating and drinking. That is what the earthly human body is for. Actually it says that the divorce rate has risen dramatically in heaven since there is no sex drive."

"Interesting," I said, "Blasphemous pleasures indeed." I tried to sound smart.

"You know there are actual machines that try to simulate sex for many souls in Heaven Central?" Albert chuckled, "It seems our souls don't forget what it's like to be alive."

"Wouldn't that be... Blasphemous?" I asked.

"I would think so, but apparently not. They have machines to reenact sex, eat a desert, or doze off to sleep," said Albert, "Read it and we will talk about it."

"I will," I said and smiled up to him. Albert was easy to talk to about issues but I sensed where he stood morally. It would be important not to test his boundaries. "I'll let you know when I'm done."

"It's a deal!" Albert replied. He joyfully turned away like he was walking to a song in his head.

Albert's comment about the sleep helmet reminded me of how fun it was to be in my own world and live in my head. I always lived in my head, but the sleep helmet let me exclude any outside factors that upset me in life. Albert's topic of books impressed me, excluding the novel titled _Distant Love_. I decided I would read that novel just for Albert's sake. I put it at the bottom of the stack and picked the first book on the top.

*

What do you do when you can't die?

My life has been subjected to isolation in the library as I read about heaven, a place I didn't want to be. I began to stare off onto the wall with boredom, thinking about everyone's beliefs. This world was not a joke. Everybody understood why we were here but no one knew what we were to do, like reaching an empty finish line. I tried to discuss this with Albert, and though he became a good reading companion for discussing books, it was hard for him to understand my entanglement. Suicidal thoughts raced through my brain but then reversed back with the thought of having to go through the same dreadful process again.

After looking at all the maps of heaven, I knew I was never going to find Jennifer, Jason, or Elizabeth ever again. Heaven was too big with people everywhere. I had time to visit every single place, but I didn't want to meet the souls who lived there.

Albert came running in, "Did you hear the news James?!" I hadn't seen Albert this excited before. He had a glow to him that was different from any other day I had seen him. "I know you don't go out much but you have to come outside with me."

"What going on?" I asked.

"Outside James," Albert insisted, grabbing my arm, "It's nothing like the protests we have been seeing. I know you hate that sort of stuff but come outside and tell me if you notice anything different."

"Ok fine," I finally said, "This better be good." I set down the book I was reading called _On Heaven as it is in Earth._ The book was slightly interesting, besides the fact that it discussed faith a lot. The author sparked an idea of what it would be like to be born in Heaven and how we would be different if life on earth never existed. Putting the book down was not difficult for me to do.

It had been months since I stepped outside. Sometimes I would explore Heaven Central when I got tired of reading, but after a protest I witnessed a while back, I had not gone outside since. Once I saw a confrontational situation, I wanted to avoid it at all cost as the protest became more heated. The Christians were angry that the Buddhists had the capability to take the form of any creature on earth and thought the Buddhists were going about the process all wrong by bringing possible Buddhists back into their future Christian families. I left once they started throwing books of Buddhism everywhere. I avoided conversation about the protest with Albert, even though I didn't know what his thoughts were about it. Plus I didn't want anybody to take my comfortable seat in the back corner.

I followed Albert out of the store and into the streets. It was still dark out and the street light shined onto the surrounding buildings. I could see the coliseum with the usual group of people walking around it. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary.

"What?" I looked at Albert confused.

"You don't notice anything?" Albert said playfully.

"You're going to have to tell me what because I don't know."

"Do you know what time it is?"

"Not really," I said, "The time of the day doesn't really matter to me anymore."

"If it did matter to you James, you would notice that it's two o'clock in the afternoon. Now isn't it weird that it is still dark out?"

I understood what Albert was saying that the sun was not out but didn't know if he was serious.

"Are you playing a joke on me?" I asked.

"No, look," Albert pointed to a clock that was overhead the robotic pet store. It was 2:04 in the afternoon. Albert then took out his time piece and showed me the time. The time piece showed _2:04_ which matched the clock at the store.

"I still don't know if it's true," I said skeptically.

"Believe what you want James but this is the real deal," Albert said, "And only time will tell to quiet your suspicions."

"I don't know," I said as I headed back in the library.

"Where are you going James? This is a spectacular moment! It's a sign! It's a treat! Its divine intervention!" preached Albert.

"It's a sign that I need to go inside," I replied, "We will reconvene in twelve hours when I can confirm this."

"But James? You don't believe me?" asked Albert looking hurt.

"I do I do," I replied, "But to be on the safe side, I'll wait another twelve hours to see." I turned and headed back into the library to sit down in my blue chair.

Albert followed me to the back. "You do need some help in gaining your faith back James," he said with a decisive tone, "What is it that makes you the way you are? You being so... So... down?"

I knew the day would come where Albert would question my faith. It seemed to be an unavoidable theme in my life in heaven. "It's not that I'm down," I sat and thought for a moment, "Ok so maybe I am a little down, but whatever. That's how I am." I was getting tired of people pointing out my depressive state.

"I have a book for you that I want you to read. I think it will help you out. It's called _Keeping the Faith_. I know it may sound like a self-help book but it explores how people in heaven can still feel a little down at some point. I'm not insinuating to you or saying that you need help, but it helps keep a positive attitude nonetheless. Will you promise me you will read it?"

"I guess so, "I replied.

"Thanks James," said Albert sincerely, "You are smart for your age, but you are young and haven't fully experienced old age and maturity. But perhaps it is a good thing and it will come with time, like everything else."

"I guess."

"I'll get the book for you when I find it. It has some helpful tools in it. I may also get you another book called _The Young Soul_. It's more in your age realm and goes over things for young people who pass away. I gave it to my son when he came to heaven. I think you would like it."

"Ok," I said, feeling under the mercy of Albert's helpful demands.

"A lot of the time people forget that helping others is a role that all of us still have to play. Is there anything that I can do for you?" Albert asked.

"Not really," I said, "Do you remember our conversation about the sleeping helmets? I was thinking about trying one out for possibly a year or so... You know for meditation purposes..." I looked down at the floor waiting for a response. I didn't want to tell Albert I wanted to use the sleeping helmets indefinitely. I enjoyed the last helmet I was in when I was with the Mormons, but they always woke me up.

"My friend Joe has a resting lodge. I'm sure he's got an extra space with a sleeping helmet. When I get the books, I'll get his address too. I'm sure he can fit you in whenever you would like." Albert stopped and waited for me to look up at him. He continued once I looked up, "But first I want you to read those books I am going to lend you."

"Of course," I said.

"I have spent time in the helmets. They say helmets are a great way to meditate and pray. Once we establish ourselves, we can move on to others. What does your family say about it if you don't mind me asking?"

I did mind him asking but responded quickly. "They support me to the fullest."

"Good," Albert said with some suspicion, "It seems your sabbatical or time off as you so call it, is helping you get educated and think about life in heaven. I admire that."

"Thanks," I replied.

Albert looked at his time piece. "I'm going to the other side of the city to visit my mother. I'm going to be back at 2:04 exactly and I want you out there to meet me. I can't wait to prove you wrong," Albert chuckled. He put his time piece back in his pocket.

"Ok cool," I said trying to sound enthusiastic.

"And I'll get you those books for you in no time," Albert said and then walked away.

"I can't wait."

I tried to lift my body in an upright sitting position to double check that it was still dark outside. It was absurd to think the sun was never going to rise again. I knew Albert was telling the truth but I didn't feel the need to make a big deal of it. What Albert didn't realize was there wasn't a moon in the sky and all the stars that once acted as night lights had burned out.

The night sky was like an anonymous painting, and every time someone looked up into the sky, something different was found. Whether the painter put everything together by chance or not, each observing individual had their own perception of it. But whatever it was meant to signify, the painting would never be completely understood. My picture of the night painting was dark and gloomy. There was no future for us and there never had been, but that was my interpretation.

*

I stepped outside at exactly 2:04, twelve hours later. I didn't have the motivation to confirm if it was in afternoon or morning. I assumed that seeing daylight would let me know, but it was still dark out.

Albert stood with his hands out looking up into the night sky smiling. "It's incredible!" he yelled with delight.

"So... It's still dark out," I replied.

"Yes! And right on time you were!" Albert said cheerfully.

"I don't miss a full eclipse," I joked.

"Oh James, this is magnificent!"

"It sure is," I said looking into the night sky. I was still unable to find the moon. The tenebrous atmosphere shaded everything beyond the city lights. The night sky was completely black, like an umbrella shielding us from everything above us. I wanted to view the sky from the forest but I knew I would be lost if daylight never occurred. The lights in the street struggled to shine out into the darkness of space.

"What do you think James?" asked Albert, "This is for real."

"Sure is," I scanned with him.

"People from all different faiths are gathering around Heaven Central. Everyone said that within weeks it is going to be full of people," Albert commented.

"Wow," I responded, "Is anything bad going to happen?"

"Bad?" said Albert, "Nothing bad James. The only thing I'm concerned about is my books. There are going to be a lot of people in my store."

"It will definitely be overflowing with people," I added.

"If you ever wanted to, you can always work at the store. I don't know if you like working or not but I would respect your decision either way. You can let me know when you feel like it," Albert continued to look up into the sky.

"I'll think about it but I might try out the sleep helmet," I said.

"Sure James," Albert said with a disappointed tone, "And you still have to read those books. I found the number for the _Sleep Lodge_ and put it in one of the books. They are at the front counter."

"Thanks," I replied, "I might try to get into a helmet before it starts getting crowded." I didn't want to see what Heaven Central was like when it was swarmed with people.

"Understandable James," said Albert, "You might not be asleep for too long and then wake up to witness a miracle."

"Maybe," I said.

"This is the place to be James, and it will only happen once."

"Sure thing. I probably won't be asleep for too long," I lied.

No matter where I was, I always wanted to be somewhere else. Although I couldn't find a place to settle, I had to envisage a permanent resting place for when I was in my sleeping helmet. My problem in life was I could never find a resting point for myself, or somewhere to be happy. A change of scenery would not complete my happiness, and for some reason, I still felt nostalgic for someplace unimaginable in my head. I was also tired of seeing overjoyed people. It might have been jealousy but I knew it wouldn't last forever, but knowing it wouldn't last filled me with comfort. Although Albert had optimistic feelings about heaven's future, I knew a let-down would eventually happen. Albert would find out that nothing was going to come from this and everyone was going to be broken. Or on the rare occasion, something spectacular could happen and everyone would be happy. I was rooting for everyone to be broken because they all persuaded me come to heaven. Perhaps it would unite everyone against something else and create disorder.

"James?" Albert asked.

I realized Albert was trying to get my attention. "Sorry, what were you saying?"

"Do you need another twelve hours to make sure?" Albert began to smile.

I knew he was taunting my previous doubts. Albert's playful look cooled my irritation. "No I'm fine."

"You can already tell people are starting to come in," he said, "Look how much more crowded it is everywhere."

I glanced over at the coliseum and noticed how much more people were in the streets. "Are they all waiting for somebody?"

"Possibly. It might be a sign or a revelation. I think something is going to happen though."

I looked the other direction and more people were flooding down the streets towards the center. "You picked a shop right in the center of everything."

"I did that on purpose. But now I think I'm going to have my hands full," said Albert.

I was soon going to need to avert this increasingly chaotic city. "I'm going to head back inside. I have to finish up those books and then I'm going to try to call that number you gave me."

"That's fine James; just as long as you read those books first. I'm going to visit a friend down the street. I'll be back in no time."

Albert parted ways from me. I then entered the library and looked for my books on the shelf at the front of the store. To the side of the shelf were two books with a slip of paper in the middle of the top one. I reached my hand over the counter to grab them.

"Hey!" warned Brad.

I pulled my hand back stunned. "I'm just getting some books your dad leant me."

"I told you before James. You don't own this store. Ask me if you want something that's behind the counter."

"Yeah whatever. Can I have my books?" I asked.

Brad took the books off the shelf and examined them. "My dad loves these books. He has made me read _Young Soul_ a million times." He then gave me a dirty look. "This book is special to me so don't lose it."

I hated Brad. He thought he owned the store even though Albert did. They both looked the same age but I knew by their actions, Albert still had the control over him. When Albert was absent, Brad took on the role of an asshole. He wore glasses like his dad to make him look smart, even though everyone in heaven had perfect vision.

"Remember, these need to be returned James. And in the right place." Brad pointed to the return bin.

"Ok ok," I snatched the books from his hand and headed towards my blue chair.

"And that blue chair is not yours. It's for everyone in the store," Brad demanded.

I continued walking to my blue chair not looking back or acknowledging what he was saying to me. I found people were even more annoyed the more you ignored them, and Brad fell right into that trap. I sat down and examined the books that Albert had leant me. _Keeping the Faith_ and _Young Soul._ I opened up _Young Soul_ and began shifting through the pages. If Brad liked it, I was definitely not going to read it.

I threw the book onto the side and took out the piece of paper with the number of the _Sleep Lodge_ inside _Keeping the Faith._ I didn't even want to look on the inside of that book so I threw it to the side like a piece of trash. The paper had been ripped from a phone book and displayed a list of numbers and names. Highlighted was a name Joe Summers towards the bottom. Next to his name was _Sleep Lodge_ with his phone number.

"Yes!" I cheered.

Two women in front of me were surprised from my outburst. They shushed me and then looked back annoyed as they shook their heads. I quickly gazed back down to the paper, pretending to do my best to look involved in what I was reading. I knew Albert was going to be angry that I didn't read his books but I needed to get out of here. With every moment Heaven Central was filling up with people. It felt like a ticking time bomb was set in motion.

I remembered the phone in the back of the store was always available and rarely occupied. I wouldn't have to worry about Brad because he usually stayed at the front of the store. If he were able to feel pain, I would have loved to see him get kicked in the balls. I pictured myself laughing at him as he lay cradled on the ground holding his groin. That was the first thing that was going to occur in my dream helmet.

I got up from my seat and passed the women who looked at me with disgrace. I followed the bookshelves to the corner and headed to the back. I felt like a rat in a maze trying to find its way to the finish line for its gratifying piece of cheese.

The phone in the back was vacant and small round table was underneath the phone on the wall as I pulled the chair out to sit down. I grabbed the phone and set it down on the table next to the piece of paper with the number. I was getting nervous about calling. I took a deep breath and pressed in the numbers down on the dial pad. With one remaining number left, I paused anxiously. Finally, I pressed it and immediately heard it connecting, followed by a ring.

"Hello this is Joe at Joe's Sleep Lounge."

I froze not saying anything.

"Hello? This is Joe," he said again.

"Umm... Yeah, hi," I responded.

"How can I help you?"

"I was wondering if you had a sleep helmet available?" I asked, "Most likely for a long time."

"Why yes," said Joe, "Ever since this event with the sky I've had plenty. Everyone wants to be awake to witness this. In fact, you are the first to call since this has happened."

"Good," I said, "Where are you located and when can I come in?"

"Feel free to stop by anytime. There is always someone here if I'm not. We are at 52476 skyway next to symphony. Do you know where that is?"

"Yes, I will find it. Thanks." I hung up the phone. I remembered exactly what map-book had the symphony in it. I headed towards the book shelves with the maps and took out _A Map of Heaven Central._ The Sleep Lodge was far from the coliseum which meant I would be able to avoid the crowded central city.

In front of the book shelf, I looked around to see if anyone was watching as I quickly slipped the book into my back waistline. I stretched my clothes over the book to make it look as natural as possible. I thought about writing Albert a letter as I headed towards the front exit, but then remembered that he wasn't going anywhere and he couldn't die. He would be here if I ever woke up.

I passed by Brad without looking his way and headed out into the streets. I took out the book and held it with my hand along my side. I started feeling homesick for the sleep lounge, a place I had never been in my life, and hoped it would be better than the last place I had been. I glanced at the coliseum and the crowd backing up almost to the book store. Every religion was here waiting for what needed to be answered.

Will everyone finally understand what this has all been for?

*

"Are you Joe?" I asked and approached the front counter in the sleep lounge. The wooden floors were oak and the walls resembled the trees from the forest. I didn't know if the building design was meant to look exotic or if it was unkempt.

"Yes sir," replied Joe, "How can I help you?" I could tell I interrupted what he was about to do. Joe's hands rested on the front counter. He wore a baseball cap and a white shirt with brown trimming. He looked more like an outdoorsy type of man.

"I'm here for a sleep helmet. I called earlier and you said there was space available?"

"Ah yes," said Joe, "We have a lot of available since the prolonged nights have occurred. Everyone is waking up and you're the only one who wants to go to sleep."

"Yes," I agreed.

"Not that it's a bad thing," said Joe, "I can get you hooked up to one today if you like."

"I would like that."

"I need you to fill this out and we can get started," said Joe. He slid an application in front of me. "Just put your name, faith, and then sign at the bottom. In summary, it says your dreams are based on your thoughts and not ours. Got it?"

"I do," I replied. I put my name and faith. I decided to put Christian since he knew Albert. I didn't read over the application and signed at the bottom.

"That was quick reading," said Joe surprised, "You've been here before?"

"Not here, but I've been in one before," I replied.

"That's good. So you know the process," he said and looked down at what I wrote, "The sleep beds are below us. It is a safe area and nobody will bother you, unless you want visitors. You have any visitors you want me to put on the list?"

"No," I replied.

"Ok," Joe said and checked something on the application. "You ready?"

"I am," I replied.

"Ok James," Joe said with ease, "Let me show you the sleeping helmets. Follow me."

Joe opened up the double doors behind him and signaled me to follow him. The hallway led to stairs going down into a basement.

"Be careful with each step," Joe warned.

"I am," I said behind him.

Joe turned on a light he held in his hand. It resembled a torch but looked safe since there were no flames coming from it.

"We have been meaning to install some lights in this part but we will get it done soon enough," Joe said, "And we are fixing up a lot of things." He stopped in front of door at the bottom of the stairs. Joe stepped in front of a keypad that was in front of the door and dialed the numbers.

I stood with my hands in my pockets investigating the tunnel around me. Albert had directed me into a dungeon. I tried not to focus on the unassembled hallway fixtures and anxiously moved my eyes to each side of the wall.

"You came in at the right time James," Joe said breaking the silence, "This is the most we've ever had openings. We're usually at full capacity."

"That's good," I replied.

The door opened. "Follow me," said Joe switching on the lights.

A large range of space began to come into view that extended far back as the lights continued to turn on. Next to the pathways were rows of bodies lying on comfortable reclining chairs. The inside reminded me of a hospital with a few chairs in front of the beds for visitors. The beds were different colors, fitting to the personality of the person, and had writings of different religions.

"This is the Resting Lodge," claimed Joe, "There are many of these below Heaven Central all with one purpose. To wait for our god. We do not pass any judgments nor do we recommend anything for you. This is about you and for how long you want to sleep."

"Ok," I replied. I was glad my resting place didn't look like the rest of the sleep lodge. Being in more of an open space gave me a relief.

Joe stopped by an empty recliner. "This is yours. Some people set it for a certain date and others want to have an alarm that automatically wakes them up. The research we have taken from these sleep helmets are that they can make time pass by quick, so what seems like an hour, may be a year."

I picked up the helmet and studied it. It was a little different than the one I was accustomed to. "And this helmet is like a dream helmet. I can be in my own world."

Joe laughed, "Yes James. The world is your oyster."

"Just making sure."

"So what do you say? How long do you want, so I can set this up?" Joe asked.

"What is the usual?"

"Well... You can name out a certain date, or like I said, we can wake you up when the time is right," said Joe, "The main percentage of people choose to be woken up by us since we are unclear with an exact time that everything will happen."

I thought for a moment and then looked up at Joe who appeared to be losing his patience. He had activated the machine near the reclining chair and waited for me to make a decision. It forced me to reply, "I'll have you guys wake me up but only if there is an emergency."

"What do you mean emergency?" asked Joe, "Do you mean when everything happens? I'm sorry James but I like being courteous to all religions but you're going to have to give me something to work with so I can set this up. What religion are you again?"

I knew he had read the application and that I had put Christian. I didn't want to tell him anything with fear of conversation and further questioning. "I'd like to be woken up only if I am in danger." I didn't want him to ask any more questions. "I'd say the longest amount of years possible that I can be in the helmet."

"If that's what you want James," said Joe, "I'll set it to interminable, but you will awaken if something significant happens in heaven or if there is an emergency. Is this ok with you?"

"Yes," I replied.

I watched him hit a few buttons that caused some beeping noises. The machine was humming and displayed the digital word _interminable_.

"We are ready," said Joe. He wiped off the recliner seat and motioned for me to lie down.

I followed his command and tensely sat down on the reclining chair.

"Here is the remote to the chair," said Joe handing it to me, "Control how you want to lie down or sit."

I looked around me to see the difference of how people were dreaming in their sleep helmets. I pushed in the button and slowly reclined back. I didn't want to be horizontal, but I also didn't want to be sitting completely upright. I finally adjusted the seat to my liking and felt content with my decision.

Joe held the helmet with both hands. "Any questions, concerns, or last words," asked Joe. He chuckled after he asked for any last words from me.

"No," I said casually. I tried to make it seem like I wasn't too afraid but I was a little nervous. With the push of a button, someone was going to put me into hibernation for a very long time.

Joe waited for me to say something else, but I remained quiet.

"I'm sure you're puzzled like the rest of us and are waiting for something to happen. Sometimes it's tough to wait, but we have to be patient. I have been victim to that, but in time we will all get our rewards."

I didn't know why he had to lecture me on life before we parted ways. I waited for him to finish by practicing patience, like he had instructed.

Joe continued, "I can't wait until the day comes that we will all be led by that someone and be told our true meaning of life."

"Or nobody is coming," I said frankly. I wanted to terminate this conversation.

Joe hesitated with the helmet and then extended it out to me. I felt bad for making him doubt his existence but I just wanted to be out of sight and out of mind from this place. I was done with conversation about the divine.

I grabbed the helmet from his hands and formed a genuine smile on my face that hadn't occurred since I saw Jennifer last. "Thank you," I replied.

"It may be sooner than we think since the sun hasn't shown its face for days now," said Joe.

"Think what you want to," I said, "I plan to be in here for a very long time." I carefully placed the helmet over my head, feeling instant security and comfort around my head.

"So what do I do to turn this on?" I asked as I stared up into the ceiling.

Joe was already walking away angrily as I dozed off into my wonderful fantasy world.

Life

I couldn't do it. I just couldn't do it.

I released the gun from my head and exhaled a breath of relief. The thought of the bullet splattering my brain conflicted with my action to pull the trigger.

The tension in my muscles began to relax. I could hear my heart pump through my chest as I took in another breath and trembled at the thought of my attempt to blow my brains out. I stared at the gun in my hand. A pull of the trigger was all I needed, and in seconds my life could be over. It would cease to exist and I would never have to see anybody again. I knew it was the pain and shock that I was afraid of. For a few seconds I would have to suffer and watch myself fall to the floor. I didn't know for how long I would stay conscious; though it was said that hearing was the last sense to go before dying.

I set the gun down on the table, my sweaty hand made the handle slippery from gripping it so hard. All of my dreaded preparation was useless. Sixteen years old and I was struggling to live and die. I paced around the room and felt the crunch of a cockroach. I tried to shake the bug from my shoe but its guts stuck to my shoe. I smeared its remains into the ground.

The first time I found the abandoned building was when I was thinking about running away. I was delighted to have found a place for myself, and it was less time I didn't have to spend with my foster family. I wanted to run away for good, but I didn't know where to go. There were always pros and cons with every decision; getting caught was the worst.

I knew David and Allison would be worried about me. They were my new foster parents and wanted me home promptly at six o'clock. I was supposed to be cleaned up, seated at the dinner table, and ready to say a prayer. I never liked eating at a table when there was more than one person. Their daughter Alice had a loud voice and was annoying. She just lost her two front teeth and would stick her tongue through the gap whenever she talked to me. She was an adorable little girl but I couldn't help but think of what she was going to be like when she grew up, accepting the same beliefs as her parents. Her tongue and future ideals were an enigma to my peace of mind.

At the entrance of the abandoned building was an opening at the bottom of the garage. I was able to wedge it up with a steel pipe and slither under the garage door. I crawled onto my stomach, barely squeezing underneath. Once I was all the way in, I had my privacy. The building used to be a small prescription drug pharmacy where people with a good enough excuse could get any drug they wanted. It just so happened, the drug store got caught selling a good amount of illegal substances to an undercover cop, so the store wasn't coming back.

I returned back to the table and grabbed the gun that taunted my wretched self. It was small and affordable, but was a hassle trying to obtain. I bent down and removed a piece of wood from the floorboard and placed the gun with one bullet in my hiding spot. I set the floorboard back in place, moved the table leg over it, and scattered some dirt across the floorboard. I didn't know if anyone else came in but I didn't want anybody to find my gun. The abandoned building was close to my foster house, so I knew I could visit it whenever I wanted.

I knelt down in front of the pried up garage door as the jagged pebbles dug into my knees. By dropping onto my stomach, I was able to squeeze through and drag myself under. After my whole body was out, I push the door back down to conceal my hideout.

In the fenced off front yard, the uncut bushes and trees were blocking the view of the street. In fact, nobody was in sight. A car drove by from the street but I'm sure they didn't see me. I climbed the surrounding chain-link fence and jumped down onto the sidewalk. I started walking casually, trying not to look mischievous.

I rounded the corner to the cul-de-sac I lived in, passing Mr. Jacob's yard. He was always peeking out his window and thought I was going to put my footprints in his yard. The curtains inside his house swayed back and forth. I kicked a rock from the sidewalk onto his front yard. Every tree was trimmed, the rocks were raked, and the grass along the fence was mowed.

I walked to my front yard and followed the brick path to the front door. Alice's electric Barbie cart was in front of the door. I stepped over it and opened the front door. I gently closed it behind me trying to not make a noise and walked through the hallway to the stairs. I passed the dining room.

"James!" Allison said. Allison, David, and little Alice were sitting at a rectangular table with their elbows down and hands together.

"You're late," David announced.

"I'm sorry," I replied, "I'll be right back down."

I quickly ran up the stairs and walked into my room. I kicked off my shoes into the closet and ran to the bathroom. I splashed some water on my face to make it look like I had attempted to clean myself and stepped back out feeling refreshed. Alice had left her dollhouse in my room. She knew she wasn't allowed to be in here but she was always finding some way to mess with my things, not that I had much. I hated the way they spoiled her, and she had everything a girl could ever want in her own room. I ran back down the stairs and into the living room. I sat down, breathing heavily.

"Ok," David said enthusiastically, "Let's pray."

I continued to breathe loudly in the silence. I'm sure everybody at the table heard it as well. David, Allison, and Alice all dropped their heads down at the table. I always liked sneaking peeks around the table to see the tops of everybody's heads.

"Dear heavenly father. We thank thee for family and this food we are about to partake in. Let us take this moment to recognize your blessings you have bestowed upon us..."

Alice's eyes were completely closed as she held a toy wand in her hand. She looked Asian like Allison, but was only half. David was a typical white American with a mix of different European countries.

"We ask thee for strength and nourishment and thank thee for providing us with a safe home. Amen."

Allison and Alice repeated with an Amen, but I remained silent.

"So James," David said quickly changing his voice as he reached for the mashed potatoes, "Why were you late? Did you have a big date?" He laughed as Allison followed and ended with little Alice laughing.

"Stayed at the library a little too late," I replied.

Allison scooped some salad onto her plate, "That sounds terrific. What did you read?"

"Just some stuff about animals," I remembered learning about them third period.

"How interesting James," Allison said. She moved her salad to the side of her plate with her fork. The fork scraped against the plate. The sound was displeasing to my ears. "James... If you want, you can always bring a friend to join us at the dinner table. Have you made any friends?"

"Not really," I replied and stared back down at my plate.

"It's been two weeks at your new school James. Haven't you been talking with your classmates or anything?" asked David.

"Nope," I said. I piled the food onto my plate and mixed it all together.

Alice moved in her chair, "I met Lizzy on my team. She's spending the night tomorrow." Alice began pushing her mashed potatoes between her teeth.

"Hmm," I said.

"No pressure James," said Allison, "But we want you to make some friends. I think you'd like it." She set her hand on my shoulder.

I pulled it back so she wouldn't touch me. "I will."

"That's nice sweetie," said Allison.

"You interested in any clubs or sports yet?" asked David.

I knew I clearly wasn't meeting the expectations of my new parents. I just wanted to eat my assortment of mashed food on my plate and leave.

"Not really," I replied.

"You keep enjoying the library if that makes you happy," Allison smiled, "Reading is such a great thing."

"Thanks," I said.

"I read my bird book yesterday," Alice interrupted.

"Yes you did," Allison's voice raised with excitement, "But we still have a few more pages left to go before bed."

Alice spooned her food into her mouth with a smile. She scanned the table and stopped her eyes on me. Her chewing slowed down for a moment. I could tell she was thinking about me. She resumed her chewing and looked away from me and then smiled at Allison.

I thought of how difficult it was to shoot myself. It was powerful to aim the gun directly in front of my fragile brain. I was able to try again tomorrow, but I didn't know if I would succeed. The gun was tucked away safe in the floorboard of the abandoned building.

"Is everyone ready for the parade tomorrow?" said Allison, "I want to see red, white, and blue from everybody!"

I ignored her enthusiasm and continued eating.

"I wanna go! I wanna go!" yelled Alice.

"You remember last year Alice?" warned Allison.

"I do and I'm a big girl now. I won't be scared I promise," Alice threw up her hand pretending to solemnly swear on the truth.

"We know you won't be scared sweetheart, "said David.

"We will be next to you just in case," Allison said, "Fireworks can give me a jolt sometimes too."

"Thanks mommy," cheered Alice.

"James?" David directed his attention towards me, "What did you do last year for the fourth of July?"

I nervously picked at my food without lifting it to my mouth. I vividly remembered what I was doing last year. Most kids my age were studying to obtain their driver's license or playing a sport, but I had no plans of such kind. It was one of the many times I had experimented with trying to end my life, and I would have ended it if I hadn't put so much thought into it. But for some reason, I felt sorry for hurting my organs after I ingested a large quantity of pills. I drunkenly had to pass the pills out from my stomach, though my throat, and back out my mouth. I thought pills were the quiet and easy way to die, but my experience was full of pain. There were a lot of suicide related deaths with pills, but there were also a lot of unsuccessful attempts resulting in torment, followed by shame. Once I found that pills were not the way to go, I began exploring new methods to kill myself. Possibly something that would end my life faster, like a gun. However, my gun attempts have rendered me unsuccessful thus far.

"I'm pretty sure I just took a nap," I replied to David's question.

"You sure take the suspense out of celebration James," joked David.

"You aren't going to nap when you're with us," Allison rose from her seat.

"Yay mommy," cheered Alice.

I scraped the remaining pieces of potatoes from my plate onto my fork. Allison was a good cook and always added the right amount of spices in her food. It definitely was better than the dinners I had been used to. I grabbed the pitcher of water and poured me a glass to wash everything down.

"Finished already?" asked David.

"I think so," I replied.

"You must have been hungry," Allison said convinced.

"Maybe," I said.

"Can you pass the water," Alice asked.

I grabbed the pitcher of water and lifted it across the table to Alice. I set it in front of her and looked down at my empty plate. It felt nice to have a good meal expand in my empty stomach.

Alice crossed her hands, "Can you pour it for me?"

Allison stood up and grabbed the pitcher, "Now honey, this is something you need to learn. And you need to use the word _please_ if you ask people for favors."

"Yes mommy," responded Alice.

"May I be excused?" I intervened.

"No seconds?" David asked looking concerned that one plate was not enough.

"I should be fine," I said and moved my body position to the side, ready to stand up once I was granted permission.

"You can go James," said Allison, "Make sure you take your plate to the sink and wash it off."

"Sure," I said.

I grabbed my dishes and headed towards the kitchen. I heard a laugh from Allison. She was a nice lady, but was not accustomed to me yet. She would eventually become stricter the more she had me in her household. I hated having structure in my life, which Allison valued.

I walked up the stairs hearing Alice telling a story about her friend Lizzy. I'm glad I had left before I got stuck listening to her story. I noticed that David didn't say much unless he was motivated to reiterate the things his wife Allison said. He obviously had his own way of handling things, but he ended up letting Allison take the lead.

As I entered my room, the first thing I went to was the dollhouse and dragged it outside, leaving it in the middle of the hallway. I felt lazy to take a shower or brush my teeth, but knew that was one of Allison's rules before bed. I was not the best at listening to people's demands so I headed directly to my bed and flopped onto my comfortable king sized mattress.

Exhausted for one day, I pulled one of the pillows under my head and turned onto my back. I had only been here a short time, but it was time for a change. I closed my eyes not thinking of tomorrow, trying to ignore my anxiety I had built up from today, and slowly drifted to sleep.

*

"Rise and shine James!"

The curtains bunched to each side of the window and let the warmness of the morning shine down onto my face. My eyes opened to the unpleasant ray of light and then bitterly squinted towards Allison.

I had gone to sleep early at night and woke up late in the morning, over twelve hours. There was something about sleep that improved my mood. I still felt filthy and full of disappointment, but I was also revived from the tragedies of yesterday.

But soon everything came back into focus. I knew what I had to do today. I was going to go to the abandoned building and take care of what I needed to do.

"We have a big day today. You don't want to miss the parade," Allison persisted, "Dad and Alice are there right now getting a good spot.

I grunted and turned back over looking away from the window where Allison stood. I hated the way parents referred to their significant other as mom or dad when it was in the context of the kid's perspective. She didn't understand that he was not my dad.

"C'mon James. I have some left over sausage and scrambled eggs. They will be downstairs waiting for you." She fixed the curtains at the end of the windows and then walked downstairs.

I turned onto my back and looked at the ceiling, rubbing my eyes until the sleepiness went away. The sunlight was like a hammer on my face and I couldn't fight the rays unless if I moved away from my bed. Allison's technique to get me out of bed was working. What did it matter if I got up? I didn't have to go to school since it was the Fourth of July. It meant one less day without having to sit in class listening to Mrs. Smith lecture about a banned book I had already read. She tried so hard to keep us engaged, dressed in her outdated blue dress and wrinkled face that showed years of teaching.

The morning announcements commenced, followed by the pledge of allegiance as we all stood up from our desks and put our hand over our heart. We were programmed to do this every morning and express our dedication for our country. I started lip syncing while everyone else chanted the words. It wasn't because I was ungrateful; there was no desire in me to express allegiance. I studied my teacher Mrs. Smith behind her desk, remembering her stories about her husband protecting our country and being killed. She was sensitive to the issues of war and politics that were concerned with the military, like so many others surrounding me. Somehow personal pride always snuck its way into our daily obligations.

Surrendering to the sun, I swung my feet from the bed and onto the floor, feeling the soft carpet between my toes that gave me some confidence to stand up. I ruffled my hair to set everything in place as I yawned and stretched my body. I walked out the door, no longer seeing Alice's dollhouse that I had left outside of my room.

In the kitchen, scrambled eggs and sausage were perfectly placed on each side of the plate. I poked it with my fingers testing for how long it had been sitting there. It wasn't hot or cold. Sitting down, I started eating the spiced sausage and then the scrambled eggs. Allison set a glass of orange juice in front of me.

"Thanks," I said and gulped half of it down.

"So James, it's just us this morning," said Allison, "Whatta ya say we stop and get some slushys before we meet up with Dad and Alice."

"Sure." I liked the idea of a slushy in the middle of summer day. I no longer wanted to finish the rest of my orange juice with the thought of sipping a slushy through a straw. I pushed my plate away from me.

Allison continued to wash the dishes in the sink, placing them in the dishwasher one by one. "Seeing all the colorful fireworks light up the night sky makes such a magnificent show," Allison commented.

"Why does everyone have a parade during the day if everyone knows they are going to see the fireworks at night?" I asked.

"I don't know James," replied Allison, "Tradition maybe?"

"Sure, I guess."

"You know, David was telling me in the days when there were no cars, all the boys and girls would throw firecrackers at horses," said Allison, "Such a terrible thing to do."

I laughed a little at the thought of throwing firecrackers, making it sound like I was laughing at the horses. I brought the plate back to me and put more food in my mouth to cover up my immature reaction.

Allison was still thinking about the horses as she put the last plate in the dishwasher. She washed her hands and sat down at the table next to me. "Let's have a fun day today James," she smiled.

"Sure," I said with little enthusiasm. I wanted to go to my spot at the abandoned building and finish what I was supposed to do a long time ago. I had no desire to go to a parade, though, the slushy did sound like it would be delicious. I thought of a plan to sneak out from the parade after my slushy.

The thought of suicide decreased my appetite.

"Is that all you're going to eat?" Allison asked.

"Yeah, I'm full," I replied, "Can I be excused?"

"Ok James," said Allison warily, "You eat like a bird. I won't make so much next time." She took my plate and headed to the sink to clean it off.

I scooted my chair back ready to leave.

"Oh James... I want you ready in thirty minutes. We need to head out a little earlier if we want to get that slushy," Allison reminded.

I didn't understand why we had to make extra time to get a slushy if it only took two minutes at the most. Allison was always planning out stuff ahead of time. It was irritating to abide by her schedule. "Ok Allison," I said to make her happy.

"You don't want to finish your orange juice?" asked Allison.

My feet were already pointing out of the kitchen. "Nah," I said and started walking.

I went back to my room and opened up my closet. Allison and David had bought me at least ten pairs of clothes that I never wore. I knew they noticed that I hadn't worn any of their clothes they had given me and they would soon question me about it. I picked out my dirty plain white t-shirt and jeans and walked into my bathroom to look in the mirror. Today I was going to pull the trigger. I didn't want to have to deal with any of this shit anymore. Why was it that I could meet the nicest people and yet still hate their guts?

I looked at my skinny arms dangling and my slumping shoulders being pushed down by gravity. I pushed my hair to the side, thinking about shaving it all off. I turned my hand into a gun and reenacted my finger pulling the trigger at the side of my temple. My heart started beating faster as more terror rushed through my body. It terrified me that my heart was controlling everything that was flowing through my body. I could feel it pump harder, realizing that I couldn't control it. I tried to think of something else without focusing on my diligent heart. I pinched my arm to make it stop but my heart relentlessly pounded through my chest. Since that didn't work, I impulsively pulled out some hair on my forearm.

"Ouch!" I was such a pussy when it came to pain. I needed to take a walk.

My eyes looked into the mirror one last time. Today was going to be the last time I ever had to look at myself.

*

The slushy was cold and refreshing, but had a tart aftertaste. It wasn't as how I had remembered it from when I was younger, but despite my small complaint, the more I drank the more I didn't mind anymore. Everything seemed bitter these days, which eventually turned into dejection. For some deranged reason, I enjoyed being in a state of constant melancholy. It was the best of the worst.

I pointed my straw to the bottom of my slushy cup and tried to suck in every drop until nothing was left. It helped break the silence of being alone with Allison in the van.

"You sure gobbled your slushy down," Allison said.

"Yeah," I replied and looked at the bottom of the cup. I moved my straw in a circle around the cup as a cold headache emerged from my brain.

Allison turned the wheel of her van onto First Street. "Look James," she alerted, "You can see where the parade is going to be."

In the distance, a road was being blocked off for everyone to gather on the side of the street. A few cops confidently sat on their horses with poise and were ready for anything to escalate.

Allison turned the van into a parking garage, waiting for the other cars to pay their fee. As we approached the gate, Allison took a twenty dollar bill from her purse. It was nice to not have to pay for things, but if it were up to me, I wouldn't have chosen to be here. To the side of the parking garage was a middle aged man making balloon animals with red, white, and blue colors. He brought in a small crowd of families ready to receive a festive gift to hold during the parade.

Allison looked over at me, "How do you like your new pen James?"

I dug it out of my pocket and twirled it in my fingers. "It's good, thanks."

"I'm glad we went there. It was such a good deal to get a free pen with a slushy." Allison studied the pen in my hand. "Is that from one of your video games? From that Mario and Luigi game?"

"Yeah," I replied. I didn't want to tell her that I also bought a keychain of the same theme. I was still mad that Allison had taken away my video games. She said I was too old for them and needed to do mature activities. I didn't agree with her but I didn't argue. If she thought receiving a free super Mario pen assisted the tiny bit of escape from reality I had, she was only taunting my inability to cope with life.

Allison handed the man her twenty dollars and exchanged it for a ticket. "Thank you," she said as she drove into the parking garage full of cars. We winded around each corner to find more parked cars until we reached the fifth floor.

After we found an open space, Allison unbuckled her seatbelt, only to be reminded by the vehicle's warning to put it back on. "Let's head out," Allison said, "David has been calling me so I'm sure they've found somewhere close to the parade."

I unbuckled my seatbelt, reluctant to exit the van and include myself in the joyous parade.

"Make sure you lock it," Allison reminded me as she shut her door and walked around the van to my side.

We walked through the busy parking garage, trying to find the stairs to exit. I always had a fear that the roof would crash down on me and I would be stuck inside forever. Allison put her hand on my shoulder to guide me in the right direction through the parking garage. I slowly dropped my shoulder to get her hand off me and created some distance.

"You ok?" Allison asked.

"Yeah." I didn't look up.

Allison bit her lip and frowned her eyebrows at me. She reached into her purse to get her cell phone as she continued to stare at me with concern. She pressed a button and put the cell phone to her ear. Her expression quickly changed, "Hello? Where are you guys? We are coming out of the parking garage on the south side." Allison was receiving directions and stayed quiet most of the time, occasionally glancing at me to make sure I was doing fine.

The concrete and pipes disappeared as we exited the parking garage and a bright blue sky with a few clouds expanded into my view. Allison hung up the phone and was immediately distracted by some families surrounding the middle aged man dressed in red trousers making balloons. He had long shaggy hair but was mostly bald. I noticed Allison was captivated with his talent to effortlessly form an animal out of three balloons. He held it up high to attract attention and signaled for us to come over.

"Oh wow," Allison said glorified.

I rolled my eyes and followed behind her. I thought of escaping from her distracted sight, but it was too early. Allison started clapping as the man handed a little boy a giraffe.

"Hello pretty lady," said the man to Allison. He looked to be in his forties with a pot belly and some strands of hair on top of his head blew in the wind.

"Can you make a pony for my daughter?"

"I sure can. Anything for you." The man winked at her and pulled out a new red balloon. He then blew up a blue balloon and tied them together, continuing to look at Allison. The man took out a white balloon and blew it up while holding the others under his side. He rolled the white balloon around the red and blue balloons as a patriotic pony began to take shape. The man finished the tail on the pony and extended it out for everyone to see. After a round of applause, he directed it towards Allison.

Allison clapped her hands, "Yay! This is perfect!"

I noticed the man was moving his eyes over Allison's body. Allison wasn't too attractive, but her exotic features made up for it.

"Should I make one for a boyfriend, husband, or significant other?" asked the man.

"Hmm... We should be good," replied Allison and then smiled, "Thanks so much!"

The man nodded his head and took one last peek at Allison's body and turned towards a kid pulling on his coat. I could hear his voice subside as we walked away, "And what do you want little boy?"

Allison was holding the balloon pony in front of her. "Isn't he good James?"

"Yeah he sure is," I replied.

"Alice is going to love this," Allison put the balloon halfway in her purse.

I noticed her shirt wasn't securely buttoned to the top and could see a lot of her cleavage. She had her bottom button connected but the other two above were far apart on the separate sides of her collar. I knew that when she put on her shirt in the morning, she intentionally decided to show off her cleavage. She _did_ have a nice looking chest. I was sure the balloon man would agree with me. I wondered if Allison knew that the man was hitting on her or if she was desensitized to perverts flirting with her.

"James?" Allison said trying to get my attention.

I swiftly changed my focus from her chest to the ground hoping she didn't notice my eyes on her chest.

"Don't you think Alice will like this?" Allison asked.

"Yeah, she will like it." I decided not to say anything and kept looking ahead towards the parade. I followed Allison on the sidewalk as we passed a group of kids running after a girl laughing with something in her hand; a chubbier kid struggled to catch up behind the group. The parade hadn't started yet and made me think that it would never end.

"Look for the Statue of Liberty balloon that's next to the taco stand," said Allison, "That's where David and Alice are."

"Ok." I didn't try to look for anything and figured Allison would do the work.

We stopped at the side of the parade to examine each side that had streams of people walking from both directions. I hated being in crowded areas and wanted to be in solitude without worrying about the pressures of dealing with people.

"There they are!" Allison pointed to the left.

"Huh?" I didn't know where she was leading me because I couldn't see David or Alice.

"Over there!" Allison grabbed my hand.

I shook her hand off and followed behind.

"Oh James... You're so sensitive," Allison insisted, "Let's go." Her dark hair swayed with her hasty stride as she looked back to see if I was close by. I awkwardly bumped into people trying to catch up with Allison. The colors red, white, and blue were on the apparel of every person, and for once, I blended in wearing my plain white t-shirt. The eighties rock music was getting louder the closer we got to the middle.

A lady with a white shirt, red shorts, and blue sombrero cut in between Allison and I, causing us to separate. Allison was able to get ahead but she didn't notice that I couldn't make my way around the overweight lady dancing to the music. I tried to step to the side of her to pass but she quickly moved to the same side and bumped me away.

"Really?" I said to myself. I didn't have the confidence to confront her. She was completely oblivious that I was trying to pass her. I lagged behind only to watch more people fill in front of me to embrace the celebration together. Kids were on their parent's shoulders, some holding a sucker or cotton candy in their hand all looking happy.

The first float progressed by which looked to be the start of the parade. The music from the float mixed with the music around the street, combining into static. Allison was far in front of me but I was pretty certain that she was concentrating on David and Alice in the distance. I pictured little Alice pushing some type of carnival food through the gap between her teeth.

If I were to ditch this scene, now would be the perfect time. I decided to make a bold move and veered off the sidewalk away from the parade. I squeezed through the crowd and tried to find some space where I could walk faster without anybody slowing me down. A couple was provocatively dancing to my side. The grey haired man was moving his hands with his knees bent while the woman dancing in front of him faced the other direction feeling herself up. Lucky, I was moving past them.

I couldn't see Allison anymore, but I knew I had to make my way out quickly so I wouldn't be noticed. After fighting through the crowd for some time, I found my way into an alley. Some people were still walking through, but at least it wasn't as clustered. I passed by overflowed garbage cans along the brick walls. Workers from restaurants would empty out the trash and return back inside.

It sounded like the parade was on its way, and the farther I walked away from the whistles and cheers, the more collected I felt. The sound of bottles rattling in the bags and falling into the trash bins echoed through the alley. An orange cat jumped from under the trash and ran though the alley to only hide behind another trash can. Its tail poked out from the side swaying back and forth.

A faded roar from the crowd erupted from behind me and made me quicken my pace. I kicked the rocks in front of me trying to ignore the sounds of the parade. Some of the rocks rolled in front of the people walking towards me. I tried to avoid contact with them, making it seem like I hadn't kicked the rocks on purpose. A man in a suit was talking on the phone who didn't even notice me. He was followed by a couple with locked arms.

I walked out of the alley and turned the corner onto the street. There were fewer people on the outside street but I was still vulnerable to being caught by Allison and her family. I could see the balloon man still in front of the parking garage making animals for kids and their mothers. I was far from the house and I would have to take a bus if I were to get to the abandoned building.

I quickly crossed the street and headed for the bus stop. A group of kids at the side of the street were throwing fire crackers in the middle of their circle. They would jump up and run in and out of their circle joking with their friends.

I made my way to the bus stop next to the street corner. I thought about what it would feel like to be hit by a car, but the probability of dying wasn't as certain as a bullet to the head. The bench on the side of the street was full of people waiting for the bus. A lady in a red dress was at the edge of the sidewalk on her toes searching for the bus as if it would make it arrive any quicker.

I leaned against the street pole behind the bench to watch the different cars speed by. An old woman with a cane made her way over to the bus stop. She stood in front of everyone until a man with a black coat and a nose ring stepped up and let her sit down. It hurt my muscles to watch her brittle bones shift as she sat down. Deterioration was a part of life and there was no way she was going to get her youth back. The man with the nose ring walked over to my side and faced the other direction. He had dark hair that was combed back and slicked down to his neck.

The loud growl of the bus engine made its way to our stop. The brakes screeched while everyone began to stand up and make their way over. I watched the old woman push herself up with her arms and legs shaking. Every pound of weight she put on her knees created aches in my body. She took a deep breath and followed everyone piling into the bus.

I waited for them and the decrepit old lady to board the bus, not wanting people to stand behind me. I stepped up the dirty stained stairs and inserted my change into the slot. The old lady slowed me down but she finally sat down at the second row to the right. As I made my way to the back, the bus driver pushed down the gas pedal. I was sure Allison was looking for me, and I felt bad I had ruined everyone's evening but I didn't care about them anymore. I wouldn't have to see them after today.

*

I enjoyed watching the cars drive by in the streets as the workers scurried around in front of the various industrial structures that shaded everything below. It was better than the numerous stores near the parade that displayed eccentric and overpriced products behind their windows. The more we progressed, the more the demographics change from expensive commercial property to low socioeconomic buildings. Sitting in a bus gave me the ability to see everything without making an effort to move. As the bus neared the abandoned building, I already felt accustomed to my small cozy padded seat and my heightened view of the city. A couple in front of me was talking about their favorite TV shows they watched or wanted to watch. Their interests were boring TV shows of other people instead of their own lives. I decided to get off a little early so I didn't have to witness their insipid conversation. A walk was what I needed before I pulled the trigger through my brains.

Passing the old lady and stepping off the bus, I walked in the direction of the abandoned building with my hands stuffed in my pockets. I always crossed each street with caution, never knowing what car was driving by that could accidentally hit me.

After changing sides, I hopped onto the curb and picked up my pace on the sidewalk. It was more desirable to walk against traffic and observe the cars speed by in front of me than to detect them from behind me. Plus, the abandoned building was going to be on this side anyways.

A siren howled throughout the streets from behind me. A police car sped pass me, flipped a u-turn, and headed back towards me. The blue and red lights beamed off the buildings and street posts as the police car slowed down in front of me. The lights on the approaching car grabbed my attention to stop in the name of the law. I thought about running, but there was a slim chance of getting away. The tinted windows didn't allow me to see who was on the inside. The right tire of the car rolled onto the sidewalk and stopped in front of me. I didn't know why I was being confronted but stood in confusion with my hands in my pockets and waited for something to happen. They were going to ruin my specially planned day.

The window rolled down revealing two police officers wearing black glasses. A hand came out the passenger window and waved me over. I anxiously complied with their request. The driver was overweight while the officer in the passenger seat had short spiked hair and didn't fill his seat in as much as the driver did. He looked a lot shorter if he were to step out of the car.

"What's your name boy?" asked the smaller officer in the passenger seat. His name tag said T. Johnson on it.

"It's James," I replied, "What's yours?"

Officer Johnson laughed. "Would you like to explain to me why you thought it was necessary to run across the street instead of using the next available crosswalk?"

The bigger officer started talking into his radio. I watched his untrimmed moustache move as he talked through his radio.

"James," the officer repeated, "Can you tell me why?"

"Is that illegal?" I asked, "I mean... There were no cars so it didn't seem like a big deal at the time."

"Where are you headed to?" Officer Johnson pulled out a padded notepad and started writing.

"Fourth and Riviera," I replied, "I was leaving from the parade and meeting my parents who are home right now."

"You went to the parade by yourself? And wouldn't you be taking the long way home if you're trying to get to Fourth and Riviera?"

"I did. I took the bus and now I'm heading back," I replied. Officer Johnson never answered my question if what I did was illegal. I felt defenseless that I was stopped by the two police officers who were clearly trying to thwart their way into my personal business.

"But it just started," said Officer Johnson.

The bigger officer leaned over, "Why don't you come to the side of the car and put your hands on the hood."

Both officers stepped out of their vehicle as I put my hands on the side of the car.

"Why am I doing this?" I asked.

Officer Johnson took my wallet from my back pocket. He sifted through everything and pulled out my identification to read it. The bigger officer put on his gloves and started patting me down from my toes and all the way up to my armpits. A lady responded through his radio naming off a bunch of numbers. He took out my keychain, pen, and the left over change from the bus.

"What is this," asked the officer. I could hear him chuckle.

"It's a keychain," I said disgruntled. I could hear them talk amongst each other behind me. I took my arms off the side to turn around and see what was going on.

"Keep your hands on the car," commanded Officer Johnson.

"Sorry," I said and lazily put my arms back on the car.

"Are you on any drugs?" asked the bigger officer.

"Um... Nothing," I said.

"Why did you want to cross the street if your house is on the other side?" asked Officer Johnson.

"I don't know."

"Stand up and face us," said the bigger officer.

I stood up and exhaled a breath of frustration. My shoulders slouched with defeat.

"Have you been doing any drugs today?" asked Officer Johnson.

"No," I said angrily.

"Do you show respect for your parents?" asked the bigger officer. I looked at his name tag. It said M. Randle.

"Yes," I said. In reality they were not my parents and I did not show them respect.

"Then I suggest you start showing us some respect by responding with politeness," said officer Randle.

"Ok?" I replied.

"Take a seat on the sidewalk James," commanded officer Randle, "We'll be right back."

Both the officers went into their car with my identification card and began talking with each other. I watched the cars pass by; some slowing down to see what was going on. I wanted to throw something at their cars and tell them to mind their own business.

I perked my head up to see officer Randle talk into his radio while Officer Johnson had his face buried in a computer. Police discretion was dependent on their values and current mood of the day; or they were just fucking with me. I wondered what the lives of these two officers were like when they were not working. They would probably treat me the same way. I certainly did not want to jaywalk again after meeting them.

I twirled a string that was hanging from my shirt. I ripped it off and watched it float onto a line of ants that trailed down the gutter. I tried to sit patiently but the hard surface of the sidewalk was uncomfortable.

This wasn't the first time I had been stopped by a police officer. I was the type of person who had a conspicuous nature. I didn't mean to give off a hidden perception but since I didn't talk much, nobody could figure out my motive; usually rendering me guilty at sight. I had no intentions of any harm but I could not convey my message to others. Sometimes I had a tendency to side with the druggie crowd despite my apathy towards them. However, there was something I admired with their ability to not give a fuck about the world.

After a couple more minutes of endless stress, both doors opened. I pretended to not notice while waiting for them to tell me my fate. In the gutter, an ant meandered from the line of ants.

"Ok James," Officer Johnson said with a stern voice. He was holding my license and a few papers in his hand as he walked with Officer Randle who rested his hands on his belt. If Allison had called the police, I was going to join the officers in their car and be escorted home.

"I want you to sign this. It is just a warning. Since you were honest and cooperative, we will let you slide," said Officer Johnson.

"Thanks," I replied with a sigh of relief.

Allison hadn't yet called the police, but I wanted to get my identification and leave because I was going to be remembered if they were to receive any updated news about me. Officer Johnson handed my belongings to me and directed me to sign the bottom of the paper.

"I want you to bring this to your parents and let them know what happened today. Just remember to use the crosswalks. It's important James. Do you understand?"

"Yes," I replied. After signing, I handed him his pen and paper. He then tore off the bottom paper and handed it to me.

"Thanks," I said again.

I folded it up and put it in my pocket. My conspicuous behavior was no longer a concern for the officers. They must have figured that I was another stupid teenager.

"Well..." said Officer Johnson.

"Well what?" I replied confused.

"You can go," said Officer Johnson who looked annoyed at me.

"Don't let us catch you again crossing through dangerous streets," added Officer Randle.

I wanted to yell back that there were no cars, but it didn't matter. I was just happy I didn't have to ride in the back of their car. I stuffed my hands in my pockets and continued along the sidewalk, thinking about how many times I had jaywalked in my life.

The doors slammed behind me as the motor started up and then sped down the road. I checked behind me to see the police car in the distance, and once they disappeared, I took the paper Officer Johnson handed me and ripped it into two. I crumpled up the two pieces together and threw it in the gutter for the ants. It was only a matter of time until Allison and David would call the police and tell them that I was missing. I picked up my pace to hurry into the abandoned building that was in the distance.

At an intersection, I waited at the light for the walk sign to appear. A group of teenagers were on the other side of the corner. The two teenagers in front made eye contact with me then whispered back to their group, one wearing a backwards cap. I hated the misuse of hats.

The walk sign appeared.

I felt nervous with each step as they blocked the sidewalk with no way around. Many of them stared at me as I walked by; their idea of intimidation was working but only contributed to my already agitated state. As I approached the corner and stepped to the far side of the sidewalk, they didn't move for me. I stepped in the gutter and onto the street to walk around them.

"Isn't that the kid from English class?" I heard one of them say.

"That freak you mean," laughed the other. The rest of the group laughed. I jumped back onto the sidewalk and could feel them stare at the back of my head.

Something dropped onto the sidewalk in front of me. It caught my attention as I slowed down my pace. It looked like a half a pencil and was making a hissing sound. Suddenly, the object exploded in front of me causing me to jump up in terror. The consecutive shotgun bangs rang through my ears as I jumped away from the exploding fireworks with my hands over my head. The sounds came to a halt and exposed the group of teenagers laughing behind me.

"Did you see him?!" I heard someone yell.

"That was hilarious!"

"Hey you?!" I heard a voice yell at me. My brisk walk turned into a jog. I quickly made my way across the next street and didn't look back. They continued to laugh in the distance until their torturous cheer faded into the noisy cars that droned out their taunting.

Approaching the abandoned building, I grabbed onto the chain link fence that extended around the perimeter of the abandoned building and hoisted myself over, quickly making my way to my entrance point. I crawled under the garage door and entered the abandoned building. The gravel rubbed into my body as I squeezed under and pulled myself inside.

The rotting wood was barely holding up the roof and the stench inside immediately reminded me of my failed attempt from yesterday. I felt determined, but without motivation, the idea of suicide was far easier than the action. It was nice to finally be away from everything and have the solitude to help me gain my composure. I took a seat on a chair next to the old wooden table to catch my breath and rested my arms on it. The wood splintered off the uneven top and wobbled uneasily with each movement of my arms. I rested my head down on my folded arms but my heart started beating fast. It was mentally exhausting to listen to my heart strenuously pump without having the ability to calmly think. I stood up to distract my mind from the awareness that my heart was pumping profusely, and then slid the table away from the floorboard where the gun was.

Today I was going to go out with a bang.

*

An hour passed by, and once again, I had delayed the occasion to kill myself. I held the gun against my leg with my finger resting on the trigger. Every time I held it to my head, my arm shook and my wits demolished. I turned the shiny gun towards me and looked inside the bullet hole. Something so miniscule could cause such grave tragedy. The gun had never been fired in my hands before; though I was sure the previous owner had shot it.

Consecutive bangs interrupted my train of thought as my heart started to pump with fear. It sounded like fireworks were coming from the outside of the abandoned building. The noise then stopped and everything returned to normal.

Laughing and yelling from the outside made its way through the cracks of the walls. It sounded similar to the mentally defective pre-adults on the street corner. They must have followed me to throw fireworks over the fence and in front of the abandoned building. I pointed my gun at the garage door pretending I would pick them off the moment they entered, but felt strange pointing it at imaginary things at the door. I holstered the gun down to my side with embarrassment that someone might be watching.

Another uproar of fireworks occurred outside the building that was more distant. The loud bangs rang through my ears forcing me to think about pulling the trigger into my head. The pressure was on. I widened my stance and yanked the gun to my head embracing for a bang. I could feel the hard steel against my temple as I forcefully pushed it into my skin.

"Agh!" I grunted with frustration. My hands trembled as I released the gun from my temple, feeling an imprint dug into the side of my face. I set the gun down on the table with disappointment. Once again, resentment overfilled my ill witted conviction. The thought of suicide felt easier when I was with Allison and her family. I had to overcome reality and prove I wasn't fearful of pain or death.

A puff of smoke infiltrated through the holes in the wall by the corner. Chicken wire wrapped over the windows, giving me a small view of the overgrown bushes and dead shrubs with scattered pieces of trash hanging off them. Somehow, puffs of smoke were entering from the outside. Hoping that someone wasn't smoking outside, I stepped in closer to get a better angle but saw nothing but shrubbery.

The smoke started to expel into the old building at a fast rate. Now I knew someone was not smoking. I peeked through a hole in the wall to see fire igniting the bushes and dead grass that was beginning to spread quickly around the yard.

There was a visible path towards the pried up garage door, but I didn't know whether I should leave the gun or take it with me. It took so much work to obtain my gun and I didn't want to give it up. While contemplating, smoke began to consume my face and spread to each corner of the room, making it difficult to see inside. I decided to put the gun into my waist and pointed it down with the handle hanging out. Smoke continued to enter my lungs as I began coughing the unwanted smoke that floated in front of me.

I frantically ran to the garage door with my hands out in front of me hoping I would not collide into a wall. The heat from the fire was now apparent and quickly broiled the room to a hot temperature. The building was going up in flames and I was soon going to be stuck in it. My hands clumsily slammed into the garage door.

I bent down to find the exit and felt my hands for an opening. Everything seemed to be in slow motion, and struggling to squeeze under the opening at the base of the garage door was the most difficult, though I've done it over a hundred times. As my body slithered under, I could feel the gun wedged against a crack in the cement. I pulled myself further, which turned the gun towards my genitals.

"Agh," I yelled and quickly retreated back into the old building which was now a smoky sauna. I took the gun out of my waistband and set it on the ground next to the garage door.

With my second try, I slithered under on my stomach and pushed myself up with a fresh breath of clean air. I reached under the garage door and grabbed the gun and conspicuously hid it into my waistband again, but moved it to the side as I ran away from the burning building. I could feel the heat force its way through my skin and my sweating body reek of smoke. The dark smoke filled up the sky sending signals out to the entire city. Looking behind me, I realized I needed to get the fuck out of here. Outside the fence were people standing separately or mingling in groups staring at the burning building.

I grasped onto the fence and quickly lifted my body over, and then hit the ground hard as my knees buckled from underneath me, followed by the side of my face smacking the sidewalk. Pain throbbed into my head and down to my feet combining with numbing panic. I knew I was bleeding all over my body.

I quickly jumped to my feet, ignoring the pain inside my body that was dripping blood onto the sidewalk. I looked up to be confronted by two police cars that pulled in front of me. My first reaction was to run, but I remained stunned with heavy feet that were soiled into the ground. Officers exited out of their cars and pointed their guns in my direction. A fire truck pulled up next to the building with its siren wailing in the air. The firemen quickly assembled the hose and began approaching the building, preparing to spray water over the flames.

"Put your hands where I can see them!" yelled one of the officers.

I quickly raised my hands, embarrassed that everyone was watching. I knew they had seen me exit the abandoned building and thought I was guilty of setting it on fire.

"It's ok!" I yelled, "I got out safe!"

"Keep your hands up and shut up!" yelled the officer.

"Ok!" I yelled back.

A crowd began forming around the street and was blocked off by officers that were setting caution tape in front of them. The group of kids that I saw on the corner was laughing and high fiving each other with satisfaction that they had caused further disorder in my life. Two police officers carefully advanced with their guns drawn.

"Put your hands on your head!" yelled the officer.

I put my hands on my head, which raised my shirt up, exposing my gun. I now understood why they saw me as a threat, which made me reevaluate my situation. Butterflies began rising from my stomach into my chest, increasing my heart beats and dizziness to my head. I knew I was screwed as they approached me.

The officer's faces were familiar. They were the two officers that had stopped me earlier. Officer Johnson walked next to the bigger Officer Randle with their guns pointed at me.

"Turn around!" commanded Officer Johnson.

"I know you guys," I said with awkward hopefulness they wouldn't be serious with me.

"Turn around!" yelled Officer Johnson again. They didn't seem to remember me.

I turned around to face the burning building and watched the working firemen put out the fire that had engulfed the entire building. I felt Officer Randle and Officer Johnson behind me, and in a moment, I was tackled to the ground, incapable of moving a muscle. Their combined strength surpassed that of the strongest man as they slammed me onto the ground. My hands were forced behind my back and my gun was removed from my waist. I watched my blood drip onto the asphalt as I was held to the ground.

"You mother fucker!" Officer Johnson yelled into my ear. He twisted my arms back making me squeal in pain.

"What'd I do?" I screamed with distress.

"Shut the fuck up," Officer Johnson screamed. He silenced any further questions that I wanted to express out loud.

My body trembled the more Officer Johnson pushed my body into the cement. It felt like the weight of one hundred men were piled on top of me and there wasn't a way to escape. My arm popped out of its socket followed by a stream of pain gushing through it. "Ouch!" I screamed in terror. I no longer had control or movement in my right arm.

"I told you to shut the fuck up!" Officer Johnson said tenaciously into my ear.

I tried to focus my attention away from the pain but Officer Johnson continued to put his weight on my already dislocated arm that felt like needles were piercing through it. A group of officers formed around me. Their shiny shoes walked across the pavement while some were stepping in my piles of blood.

Officer Johnson slowly lifted me up while keeping a firm hold on me. He was supporting most of my weight as I limped with his stride. "Let's go!" he commanded.

As we walked over to the police car, Officer Johnson slammed me over the hood and took out everything in my pockets.

"Don't move," commanded another officer.

I couldn't move my arm that dangled behind me and grimaced in pain every time I was moved by an officer. Everyone standing behind the caution tape had their eyes on me with suspicion. I wanted to tell them I didn't set the building on fire but there was no way to properly explain what had happened. I couldn't tell them I was thinking about blowing my brains out, which was out of the question. Being burnt alive would have had the same effect, but would be extremely more painful than a quick bullet. As I was being searched, the irony of me running out of a burning building made me realize I had saved my own life without remembering I had wanted to die.

"The parents have been notified and they are on their way," I heard an officer say.

I dropped my head, giving up on everything. I wanted the world to go away but it just kept getting worse. Allison and David were going to be mad and assume I had set a building on fire. I didn't know how I was going to explain my gun that was confiscated by the officers.

The abandoned building crashed to the ground as the firefighters continued to put out the remaining fires. The stench of rotting wood and trash blew through the air combining with the smoke. I started coughing, feeling instant pain in my ribs. I couldn't remember if I had broken my ribs from when I had jumped the fence or when Officer Johnson had dropped me to the ground.

"Why did you have a gun on you?" asked an officer with glasses on and a shaved head. He looked like a younger cop wanting to poke his head into my business.

"Why do you have a gun on you?" I repeated his question. I was in no condition to talk and started heaving blood with pain searing into my ribs every time I inhaled.

"Looks like we got a smart ass on our hands," said the officer. He ignored me and walked over to a group of police officers talking in a group.

"Alright alright," said another officer behind me. He snapped his rubber gloves on and began searching under my clothes, thoroughly feeling each crevice of my body.

"You want to tell me what happened?" asked Officer Johnson. It was more of a command than request but I remained silent. He waited and then broke the silence, "You're going to want to tell me now."

"I don't want to talk to you," I replied discouraged.

"Do you want to go to jail?" Officer Johnson threatened.

"I don't care. Go away."

The officer behind me finished with his search and took the few belongings I had leftover in my pockets.

Officer Johnson grabbed me and threw me in the backseat of his car. "You can think about it in jail then."

I landed hard in the backseat, pulling my arm sideways. More pain pierced through my dislocated arm.

"Last chance," Officer Johnson said.

"Close the door," I said with defeat. I didn't want to look at his face.

The door closed as Officer Johnson walked away and joined his buddies standing in a circle. I tried to look at myself in the rearview mirror but could only see the top of my head. I was sure I was covered in blood and had plenty of broken bones. Most of the sound on the outside was muffled. Only the radio dispatcher naming off numbers and random tasks was loud and clear.

The fire had calmed down since earlier, mainly because it had burnt everything. The firemen were spraying water over the top of the smoking pile of rubbish that used to be an abandoned building. The group of officers were laughing and joking with each other in front of the car. They seemed happy to have the opportunity to meet together at my expense. Moreover, their change in behavior was different once I was out of the equation and isolated in the back of their car. Their physical force applied to subordinate me triggered animosity that I was now being mocked from the back of a police car. I attempted to move the handcuffs tightly around my wrists towards my forearms to release the pain, but they remained lodged into my skin. Police officers were holding off crowds of nosy people, some news teams with camcorders trying to get the best shot from behind the caution tape.

David and Allison appeared in the front of the crowd, fighting their way through. Allison looked back and was holding the hand of Alice who had some type of food on a stick. Two officers held their hands up to stop them from crossing the line, but David and Allison quickly shouted back at them explaining their relation to me. David took out his wallet with impatience and showed some identification. The officer called another officer over and showed him whatever David had handed him. Alice still remained focused on her food. The officers granted access to them as they were escorted towards my direction. I exhaled and looked down at my feet. I had never seen the bad side of David and Allison but I knew I was about to see it. I regrettably looked back out the window to see Allison with her hand over her face in disbelief as she held onto Alice. Alice finally gazed up at the scene, no longer distracted from her meal. David was calm and collected but I knew he was mad.

As they reached the car, Officer Johnson knocked on the window with a grin on his face. I looked back down at my shoes in shame not wanting my new family to see me.

"Come out James," Officer Johnson said opening the door. He grabbed me and lifted me up to face Allison, David, and Alice. Alice's mouth was open as she held her food that was dropping off of her stick.

I couldn't think of a lie. There was nothing to say without everyone thinking the worst of me. The horrendous aftermath of the building spoke for itself.

Officer Randle held a bag with a gun in it. "He had this gun on him at the time of the incident."

Allison gasped. Everyone looked upset with me, David the angriest and Allison displaying disbelief. The officers began exaggerating everything that had happened, rendering me helpless to their story.

"Do you want to explain this James," David said looking me straight in the eyes.

Everyone stood facing me waiting for a response. The officers took out their notepads while Allison and David waited for my response.

"I don't know," I said with frustration, "Just put me back in the car." I stepped back, trying to fit back into the backseat.

Officer Johnson pulled me back towards everyone. "Hold on James," he said and sounded much more charismatic and gentle than before, "Start talking."

I didn't respond.

5 years later

A Greek stoic philosopher was once believed to have died of laughter after giving a donkey wine and then watching it try to eat figs. Nobody knew if this was true but it sounded like an entertaining story. Only the eccentrically humored philosopher and the confused donkey would have known what had happened.

Nobody can truly understand our own chronicles. We change every day and learn something new about ourselves when confronted with a new challenge. I would have never known about myself if it wasn't for my reality check with the burning building.

I learned that I wasn't ready to die because I couldn't understand the reason to live _or die_. Everything was neutral. That was why I never believed in anything; I didn't care for myself. When you don't care for yourself, you have nothing to live for. When there is nothing to live for, you begin to see the true nature of life; that we are not special. It's almost beautiful. Somehow, I was still alive with five years passing with frequent unsuccessful attempts to kill myself. I couldn't find a way to end it all. Perhaps today would be the day...

"James," said Jill, "You didn't tell me it was your birthday today!"

"What is today?" I replied back not caring.

"You joker you," laughed Jill, "I am going to buy you a cake today."

"Great," I said sarcastically. I honestly didn't know if she was telling the truth if it was my birthday or not. "Don't tell anybody else."

"You are so silly James," Jill said back.

Jill was one of the only workers at the halfway house I liked. Despite her willingness to celebrate a day that signified nothing more than a day of the year, she had never told me what to do. I respected her passive behavior towards me and never felt intimidated. She was a slim lady, but had a charming face. She always tied her hair into a ponytail that showed off the whole structure of her face. If she ever let down her hair, she probably wouldn't look as pretty.

"Just remember your rent is due today James," Jill said to me before I started to leave.

"Yeah yeah." I knew there was a reason she had confronted me so quickly this morning.

My plain white t-shirt with a squiggly line had a few stains on it from eating in my in my bed last night. Without changing into clean clothes, I continued on into the morning without a shower and stayed in my matted clothes. I just didn't care about my appearance anymore. And nobody said anything about it, largely because the majority of residents smelled worse than I did. My dirty black shoes added to the stench of odor that nobody talked about. I left most of my used clothes on my bed without washing them, knowing if they were elsewhere, somebody would use them. But despite what I thought, nothing was ever safe in a halfway house.

Jill sometimes washed my clothes for me, and every other month requested that I cut my hair. After I put it off, she ended up cutting it herself, which was too close for my liking. It was unusual to see myself in clean clothes with a haircut. Jill always put in the effort to help me maintain my appearance. She then hung my clothes on the bed post, hinting that I needed to clean them, but I never listened.

Each room had at least eight beds in them with one bathroom. If the windows weren't open for the air to blow through, the room would become a combination of warm carbon dioxide and body odor. The living conditions were at its worst, but I was used to it. Rent was cheap and whenever I had a complaint, I never said anything. The main problem I faced was how was I to obtain money to pay my rent. I didn't like paying to live somewhere but it seemed better than living in a cardboard box.

"Hi James," Betty stepped in front of me.

I didn't respond and tried to step around her wide body.

"James... Did you pray last night like I asked you to?" asked Betty.

"No," I said as I opened the front door and closed it behind me. I stepped outside and took in a deep breath of city air mixed with the smell of pine needles and late night rain. The sidewalks were damp from the moisture and ready to be dried up from the sun. I thought about hiding out in the library today to plot my next attempt to commit suicide. At the least, I could entertain myself with a good book. Reading books helped feed my intuitive nature and supplied me irrational ideas to kill myself. So far, nothing had worked.

Jerry sat on the porch to my side in his chair smoking a cigarette. I was waiting for him to find his breaking point to start his alcoholic rampage again, but every day he calmly rocked in his chair showing restraint. He could sure put the drinks away.

Jerry nodded at me.

I acknowledged him and walked onto the yard and through the patchy grass. One small tree in the middle of the yard was irregularly watered, and its deathly look with a few dangling leaves were ready to break off. I wondered for how long it had been alive and vicariously studied it until I reached the streets. Everything in the city was familiar but only a little older. I still resided close to where I used to live as a kid, but never had anywhere to go.

My heart was heavier than it had ever been. It broiled everything in my body, not letting me comfortably live. Although I began to hate my dreams, I wasn't able to complete a sleeping cycle without interruption of an anxiety attack. I usually thought my heart was going to skip a beat and then stop pumping, but there was nothing I could do to stop it.

My idea to calm my nerves was to watch the trains speed by. Sometimes the trains, subways, buses, or anything moving at a fast speed that could end my life helped me get through the day. Before I could do any of this, I had to pay my rent. I was near the library and wanted to see if any dumbass kids were waiting with money for me to do their homework. Their laziness was my fortune. After they paid me, they would go back to their homes to play of video games or watch the hottest TV sitcom that was in popular demand.

The houses in the neighborhood were different colors but all had grass in the front yards. Most of the time they were not kept up, which gave me another opportunity to make money through yard work. And I always got a free meal after I finished. The morning sprinklers spattered through the different front yards, even after it had rained last night. The birds chirping made my walk pleasant but I didn't enjoy inhaling the fumes of the traffic.

I crossed the street and headed for the smoke shop. It was small but they made the best slushy, and I had some money left over from yesterday. As I entered the store, the bell on the door rattled making my presence known in the store. I quickly headed for the back and grabbed a cup and filled it up to the icy brim. I slammed my straw into it and then headed towards the cashier.

"One dollar and twenty-five cents," said the cashier.

I handed my five dollar bill to the cashier who was staring at nothing in particular. He glanced up at me as the register sprung open. I had been in and out of the store almost every day and I hadn't made conversation with the cashier. It seemed after a certain point of time, one of us would eventually strike up a conversation, but that never happened. The opportunity was lost but the both of us figured neither of us wanted to know about the other.

"Thanks," I said and headed out the door.

A homeless man stopped me outside to ask for spare change. I ignored him and kept walking. "You're on your own," I mumbled.

With the late morning sun rising, I turned the street corner and the library came into view. In front of the library was a group of some of my clients. I could tell they had just finished getting out of the mall. The girls were holding store bags of the latest fashion they bought while the guys tried to impress them wearing their baggy clothes and backwards baseball caps.

It looked like my rent was going to be paid today. Looking at their group, Kevin was one of the alpha males. He had been paying me money to do his homework for almost two years now and always met me at the library whenever he decided to ditch school with his friends. It was because of him I had gained so many clients, and though they were in high school, it was the younger ones that I could manipulate. If they were any older, they would have bullied me into doing their homework for free.

I approached Kevin while he was on his cell phone. Some of his friends who I hadn't seen before tried to stare me down. I couldn't imagine living their life. While Kevin was talking, he felt up the skirt of his girlfriend of the week, who was also a new and potential client for me. I'm sure she had been briefed about our homework scheme and she had something of her own that I was going to work on. Kevin gave me a nod as the rest of the group followed him towards me. Kevin was chewing gum and smiling as he shook his head up and down. He had dirty blonde hair with streaks in it that looked messy but was purposefully combed to look that way. I laughed at the fact that someone needed to change the color of their natural hair to gain recognition.

"What's up dude?" said Kevin turning his phone sideways but still having it close to his ear.

"Hi," I replied softly.

Kevin spoke into his cell phone, "Hold on. I'm going to call you back in a minute... Whatever bro, I'll call you back." He slid his phone in his pocket.

"I got some algebra and a couple essays. Here's everything with the money inside." Kevin handed me his folder of duties. "And my girl has got some stuff that needs to be taken care of."

His girlfriend with blond hair and red dyed in the front handed me her folder of duties. "The money is in there too."

Two other friends handed me their folders full of homework for the week.

"Thanks," I said.

"Now get to work," ordered one of the friends.

"Hold on Shane. It's ok," Kevin intervened calmly, "Don't be upsetting my man here. He is going to be doing your homework. He can put anything he wants in your essay and I'm sure you wouldn't even care to look at what he wrote." Kevin stepped in front of me and turned to face his friend, "He does a good job so leave him alone."

I felt privileged that I had gained Kevin's respect.

Kevin turned to me, "Just make sure they sound different. We have different teachers but just in case, spice each one up."

"Got it," I replied, "I'm going to get to work. I'll email you the essays and you can come by anytime tomorrow to pick up the rest. I'll be here."

Kevin's friends had stepped back and took their phones out to start texting.

"Good enough," said Kevin.

"This is badass Kevin," said the temporary girlfriend.

"You know I got connections babe," he replied.

The entire group walked away. I watched Kevin's arm slip over his temporary girlfriend's breast.

What a lucky bastard. This was the most interaction I was going to have all day, and yet I felt satisfied. I took one last glance at her ass and walked into the library.

*

Statistically speaking, I always wondered if people who committed suicide skewed the results for sad people living shorter life spans than for happy people living longer. But it made sense that happier people would live longer. When we die, our emotional attachments for our loved ones disappear. Death meant absolute disconnection. When alleviation from grief and acceptance cannot be reached, the human brain stretches the emotional attachment into an afterlife, filling the empty void. Then the self-satisfaction of receiving the same destiny of an afterlife will joyfully supersede any thought of reality. My only consideration of dying was losing all of my obtained knowledge I had gained over the years; but it was nice to know I wouldn't be remembered. Dying was a difficult process, and from what I had learned, there wasn't an easy way to die.

I stared at the computer screen of the last essay I completed. I had finished everything in one sitting. The dumbasses could have finished their essays in fifteen minutes but instead, they wanted to waste their money and pursue nonsensical behaviors. I also didn't know how they were going to handle an administered test. I pictured Kevin and his girlfriend dumbfounded as they sat in their desks trying to answer the questions to an exam.

I saved my work and dispersed it via email among my nitwit clients, and then exited the library to take a walk and unwind. It was only midday which left me with a lot of free time. I realized I hadn't left the small perimeter of the city for a long time, which hadn't broadened any ambitions in mind. Part of me wanted to get up and leave it all behind.

The sun shined down onto my head and reflected off the cars, occasionally flashing in front of my eyes, temporarily blinding me. I stopped outside a bar to watch the day drinkers watch the ball game. The men at the bar appeared to be deeply involved in conversation, and behind them was a pool table where two more drinkers articulately scanned the table for the best shot. The security guard noticed me and made a hand gesture for me to keep away from the property.

I looked behind me to make sure he wasn't looking at anyone else, but I was the only one near the vicinity. I walked away from the establishment not giving the guard any further fuel for his defending ego. The sidewalk led me into the park which enhanced the natural look of the city with its green colors and small lake in the middle. Since I had lived in an urban setting my entire life, it was easy to forget how unoccupied the outside of the city was.

In the park was no disgusting aroma of exhaust or sewer. I could no longer see the buildings or hear the cars from the street; but the homeless people asleep behind the bushes reminded me that I was still in urban territory. I sat down on an empty bench under the tree as the wind gently blew against the tree that shaded over me. I leaned my back against the bench and waited to feel the breeze that the tree was receiving.

Across the park was a woman pushing a stroller with her infant son lying perfectly happy in its padded bed. Behind the mother was the three year old brother kicking a soccer ball at her. She stopped to check inside the stroller to fix something, and then tapped the ball back to her older son. He ran after the ball, unable to lift his stubby feet over it and stumbled into the grass. With resilience, he jumped back to his feet and continued to kick the ball in the direction of his mom. He then kicked the soccer ball with all his might in her direction. He watched it bounce off his mom as she quickly grabbed her leg and started rubbing it in pain. The mom bent down and pulled him in towards her. She began shaking her head and shunned him that he had kicked the ball at her. She continued to lecture him and finally directed him towards the ball, making him pick it up and place it under the stroller. The mom held onto his hand while pushing the stroller with her other hand. The kid put his head into her side, submissively surrendering to her as he walked along kicking the ground.

I stood up from the bench and began to follow the mom and two kids. I had no reason to follow but it was compelling to watch the power the mother had over her son. Although he was able to run away, he decided to stay close with his mom. I watched him nuzzle his head into her side with his innocent face curiously searching for the next thing to amuse him. I pictured his face morph to an adult and innocence fade into knowledge. I carefully followed them to the parking lot where the mom stopped and opened up her van door. She began to put her belongings into the van and then carefully put her infant son securely in the baby seat.

I closed in on her not realizing that I had passed right by her. She was startled that I had brushed by her so close, and then looked at me for a moment. She then went back to placing her baby wipes under her car seat with a precarious look. I turned around and walked back into the park, stupefied as to why I followed the mother and her two kids. I hoped that she didn't think I was stalking her.

Her van started up and drove out of the parking lot. Close by, a city worker was stationed in his vehicle reading the newspaper. I could tell he had been there for awhile and didn't have any plans to leave his seat anytime soon. Visiting the park didn't seem like an entertaining idea anymore. I decided to stop by the halfway house and drop off my rent money. Having completed another task for the day would make me feel accomplished.

I planned the shortest route and headed towards the house with a few minor delays of waiting at the stoplights. After passing the smoke shop, I could see the house in sight. The grassy front yard and long driveway made the house look larger than it was, but on the inside, everything was cramped. I crossed the street, dodging some traffic and noticed that Jerry wasn't in his usual spot. He normally was always rocking in his chair watching the world go by. Before entering, I took out my wad of money and folded everything out nicely in my hand. Each bill was wrinkled; some crisp while others were torn along the sides. Jill was in the front living room sitting on the couch with a few other residents I had not seen before. They were distracted from Jill and looked my way.

"Um... Miss Jill... I have money," I said holding up a stack of cash. I was relieved Betty was off duty and I didn't have to deal with her spiritual advances.

"Oh that's good news," said Jill. She looked occupied and pointed to the office in the back. "Bob should be here. You can give him the money."

"Ok," I replied and walked back to Bob's office.

Bob was the Grandfather of Jill, and the owner. If it wasn't for Jill, I wouldn't have been living here. I never said much to Bob, but Jill always informed him of what was going on with me. It was good to know I had someone advocating for my well-being.

I knocked loudly on his office door so he could hear it. It was already cracked open as my knuckles hit it, and pushed it forward.

"Come in," said old man Bob. He was looking over a stack of documents. His glasses made him look more elderly, and his gray receding hairline made his comb-over look oddly out of place.

"Ah James," Bob said delighted to see me, "What can I do for you?"

I extended the wad of cash in my hand to him. "Here is my rent money." I pressed the money out straight and dropped it on his desk in front of him. "It should all be there."

"This is clean money right?" asked Bob, "I don't want to accept any drug money."

"It's not drug money," I replied.

Bob looked up at me over his glasses to see if I was telling the truth. His expression changed to concerned as he exhaled a sigh.

"You're... You're not doing sexual favors for money, are you?"

"What are you talking about?"

"Where do you work now James?" asked Bob.

I couldn't believe he remembered my name. "I... I work at the library Bob."

"Why did you hand me a handful of cash of all different bills?"

"Do you want me to take it back to the bank and get you what you want?" I asked with a slight sarcastic tone.

"That's not the point James," replied Bob. He counted out the money and set it in his drawer from under his desk.

"Am I good?" I asked nervously.

"Yes James," Bob said upset, "Next week, I want you to bring your pay stub with you. I'm not assuming that you aren't working, but maybe it will motivate you to get a real job."

"I have a real job," I replied.

"Then you have nothing to worry about when you bring your pay stub with your payment. Got it?"

"Sure," I said. I walked out and shut the door with force. I waited to hear for any retaliation, but there was no movement in Bob's office. I walked back out into the living room where Jill was sitting on the couch with her head back on the cushion. I tried to sneak back out to the front door.

"James, wait," said Jill getting up from the couch.

"Hi Jill," I said without amusement.

"You get your payment in?" she asked.

"Yes, I just paid Bob."

"Good for you James."

"I'm going to head back out," I said and grabbed the front door handle.

"Wait James..." said Jill hesitantly, "You had a visitor today. I told her you weren't here, but she said she would come back later."

"A visitor?" I asked. Nobody ever came to visit me. I began to think of who would mistakenly think I was someone else. I never liked to give most people my real name so they definitely weren't asking for me. I tried to think of friends of friends who might know my name from the halfway house or any friends of Jill or any other house workers.

"Yes, she wouldn't give me her name and left rather quickly. A middle aged lady, but not too old. She didn't give me any information but she said she'd be returning," said Jill optimistically.

"Well... I have to work late so I probably won't be back to see her," I replied.

"When I see her next time, I'll be sure to get a name," said Jill, "There was someone else in her car that was waiting for her. It looked like a boyfriend or brother."

"I'm sure she would have left a message if it was important."

"Yeah, maybe," Jill responded, "When she does, I'll try to get some more information out of her."

"Sounds good," I said and turned the door knob.

"You don't have a cell phone yet do you?" asked Jill

"No, don't really need one."

"Just checking," she said, "Have a good day at work."

"Thanks." I opened the screen door and carefully locked it in place. Through the outside window, I watched Jill walk back to Bob's office. I knew she was going to ask about me. It seemed like she was always investigating my life when I wasn't in front of her.

I hopped down the stairs and started plotting my death in my head. I wasn't going to be successful without guts, and had to forget the thought of pain. I needed to see JJ. I never knew what his real name was but it didn't matter. He was an older gentleman that worked at a hospital and had a good hook up for pills and a lot of everything else. Something with poison in it would be a nice change of pace.

Whenever I brought back pills to the halfway house, someone would always steal them from me no matter where I hid them. I never liked carrying them with me so I always ended up wasting money because I was never successful at suicide. The hospital where JJ worked wasn't too far from where I lived. But since I had money, I waited for a cab to drive by. I was never a fan of cabs, but the sooner I could get everything done the better.

I raised my hand for a yellow economy friendly cab that was inspecting me through the windshield. He slowly stopped and I jumped in the back.

"To the hospital please," I said.

"You got it," said the cab driver. His hat covered his bushy hair and a mole was next to his nose. I tried not to look in the rear view mirror, and hated seeing the cab drivers eyes go back and forth from the road to me. It felt intimidating to my insecurity.

"Is there any emergency I should know about," asked the cab driver quickly.

"None at all. I am going to see a friend," I responded.

"Thank god," said the cab driver, "A healthy kid like yourself shouldn't have any problems."

"Thanks," I replied and then gazed over the buildings and streets that passed by quickly. I enjoyed following the buildings and streets trying to find a pattern in everything. I pretended I was on the outside jumping from building to building.

A car in front of the cab cut in front of us as the cab driver applied the brakes. He began shouting and cursing at the person in front of us. After the cab driver settled down, he turned on the radio. He scanned through different stations and finally stopped on something without static. He turned it down slightly and looked at me through the rearview mirror.

"Hey kid," said the cab driver, "Guess what musician will be remembered forever on earth? And I have a hint for you because it's what's on the radio."

I couldn't hear much but shrugged my shoulders, not interested in his pop quizzes.

"C'mon," the cab driver insisted, "take a guess."

"I don't know," I replied aggravated. I should have just walked.

"Michael Jackson!"

"Yeah whatever," I said and stared outside.

"Every country I have been to, he's on the radio," the cab driver continued.

I wanted him to shut up and stop looking at me through the rear view mirror. He waited for me to respond, but I remained disengaged, trying to ignore his inquiries. The cab driver then turned up the music, forgetting the conversation he had attempted with me. I heard him hum to the melody the entire short trip.

"The hospital," I said quickly once I saw it coming up, "You can let me off here. How much?"

"Twelve dollars and fifty three cents," replied the cab driver.

I handed him fifteen dollars and exited his car. Without him having time to ask me if I needed change, I closed the door and figured he was expecting to keep it.

He drove away and passed the ambulances that pulled to the side of the hospital. It somehow comforted me to watch the unraveling of disasters in front of me.

The hospital looked busy for being the middle of the day. Hopefully, I would be able to get what I wanted from JJ and leave. His janitorial duties were rarely noticed by anyone around him; it allowed him to run his sneaky operation. He was the only safe person I dealt with, and it didn't feel like I was requesting things from a stranger. Plus, he didn't have the reputation as the common street drug dealer. He was more of a janitor who stole shit from the hospital, but he also had his own tricks up his sleeve.

The worst part about finding him was that I couldn't ask for him or call him on an intercom. I had to wonder throughout the sickly hospital and hope to bump into him. However, I knew that he worked during the days, so he was here. There were five stories in the gigantic white and blue building. Each room had its own window peering down on the city, which was a lot to clean for a janitor.

An analog clock above the hospital entrance showed _2:00_. This was going to take some time. I stepped through the automatic double doors and began my search for JJ the janitor.

*

I always made odd requests for JJ and was always confident that he had the pill for me, or could show me in the right direction. It had been awhile since I had seen him, but I remembered he had talked about cyanide pills like it was yesterday. I still wasn't convinced that it would result in a quick death, but from what I heard, it was effective.

Searching for one specific janitor in a crowded hospital was exhausting. I had to check the bathrooms and look for push carts in front of rooms that signified a janitor was inside cleaning. Each bathroom smelled of cleaning liquid and soap; others were unpleasant. My nauseous body was ready to vomit over the floor, whether it was clean or dirty.

On the fifth floor is when I finally found JJ. He was pushing his cart through the hallway in his blue janitor outfit. He had cleaned up better since I saw him last, no longer having a beard. His face was shaved and it looked like he had put some effort into combing his hair. He looked to be deep in thought as he walked by me not even noticing who I was.

I followed behind him and whispered, "JJ?"

He jumped up and turned around. He recognized me instantly. "Hey man? How you doing buddy?"

"Not bad," I replied. I felt awkward catching him during his work hours. I went ahead and cut to the chase. "I need some help with something."

JJ looked at his watch, "Can it wait? I'm kinda working."

"I know and I'm sorry. It'll be really quick I promise," I begged.

"Seriously?" JJ thought for awhile, "Ok fine. Meet me in the bathroom around the corner."

I was glad JJ took into consideration our history and to help a client in need. Although I didn't feel like it was something I needed right now, it still felt like death was imminent.

"Thank you," I said relieved.

"Wait here and meet me in the bathroom in a couple minutes," said JJ. He pushed the cart around the corner. I heard him open up a door as he rolled his cart through.

I waited my time and then rounded the corner. As I approached the bathroom door, a gentleman exited from the bathroom, still zipping up his pants. JJ must have told him he had to leave. Hanging on a bathroom door was a yellow sign that read _CLOSED_. Under it, was a picture of a stick figure mopping the floor.

I realized JJ was a risky mother-fucker, but he somehow made up for it with his wits. I knew he had a stash with him in his little push cart, waiting to sell drugs to patients and their family members ready to suppress their pains. JJ was destined to get caught peddling his drug store around, but for some reason it hadn't happened yet.

I pushed the door with the janitorial sign on it and entered the bathroom. JJ was behind his push cart, looking up to make sure it was me.

"Ok first of all, you didn't mention my name to anyone did you?" asked JJ. He walked over to the door and locked it.

"No," I said, "In fact it took me a couple hours just to find you. A couple people asked me if I needed any help but I didn't say anything to them."

"Good... Just wanted to check. I know you're very good at being discreet," continued JJ, "So what do you need James?"

"Do you still have those cyanide pills?" I asked nervously.

JJ examined me with interest but hesitated before he spoke. "I actually do. I have a couple that have been around for some time and I never knew how I could get rid of them. They are at my house though. You're the first one who has actually asked for a cyanide pill. You need some?"

"Just one," I said, "I would only need one, right?"

"Hell yes," said JJ, "They are the real deal; very dangerous. You've been to my house before, right?"

I nodded.

JJ took a napkin and wrote his address. "You will pick it up there. It's good to finally get rid of one."

I took the napkin from JJ, checking to make sure it was right.

JJ opened up his secret compartment in his push cart. He took out some pills and set it in his hand like a small piece of gold. "A cyanide pill kind of looks like one of these." JJ put the pill in front of my eyes. "By the way, you want some tranquilizer pills? They are awesome."

"No thanks," I replied.

JJ realized I wasn't interested in anything else. "Anyways, a cyanide pill stops your nerves and bodily functions very quickly. It's a fast way to die. You will see the capsule around it too."

I remembered looking up cyanide in the library and reading the effects of it. I still wasn't convinced that I would be able to die so quickly. There was still a lot of pain involved.

"For the best effect, you'll want to take the powder out. If taken orally, just bite into it and swish it around your mouth and then swallow. You'll be brain dead before you know it," said JJ grinning.

"All I need is one, if that's ok," I said.

"No problem. After ingestion of this pill, there is not much time. Once you feel any weakness, headaches, dizziness, and then difficulty in breathing, which is what I call the death warning, you are already almost dead. But it will probably be sooner than that. After that, you will be in cardiac arrest or seizure. It's not a pretty site. This is fast acting and deadly," JJ said, "And what you do with it is your business, but don't do anything stupid that makes you end up on the news or something. You remember what happened when you bought the gun off of me a long time ago? Let's not have that happen again. And like always, you never got this from me."

"Ok," I replied. I hated thinking of my incident with the abandoned building that was set on fire. I wanted to forget I was caught with the gun that I had bought from JJ.

"Since you're a good friend, and knowing your situation, one hundred for one," said JJ, "That's an excellent price, and to be honest, I just want to get rid of those pills. Now show me the money."

I barely had enough as I handed JJ his money. JJ counted the money while I pocketed my few remaining bills I had earned earlier today.

"So I go to your house and pick it up now?"

"That is correct. I'll call my brother and he will give it to you. Simple as that," responded JJ. He pocketed the wad of money I gave him.

"One question," said JJ, "This has always gone through my mind since I have met you, but I have the unusual suspicion that you want to use it on yourself. Is this for you?"

"It might be," I said defeated by his intrusive question.

"If you want to kill yourself, I support you," JJ said patting me on the back, "And it's not my place to stop you, but give it a second thought if you're not fully committed to it."

"This is years in the making, so don't worry," I replied.

JJ scratched his neck. "Ok, well... Sucks that I will lose your occasional business if it's so."

"Thanks for the help," I said and extended my hand.

"No problem," JJ said shaking my hand, "Now let's get the fuck out of this bathroom. I spend too much time in here as it is." He closed up his secret compartment.

We headed towards the door. JJ unlocked it and let me out first. "Good luck kid," he said.

A man with glasses was waiting on the outside. He stared me down. "Why did you have to lock this? There are other people here that need to use the bathroom."

I continued walking and ignored his complaint.

"I'm so sorry," I heard JJ say to him,"A small mess but everything is clean now. Do proceed."

I wondered if JJ liked his job or not. He always acted as though he hated janitorial work, but he was never sad. He was a real professional, except for selling and making his own drugs.

I found the elevator and entered. The whole time inside, I studied the address written on the napkin next to everyone quietly standing around me.

The door opened and I was on my way to pick up the cyanide pill.

*

It was a simple hand off.

I stated my name to JJ's brother who confirmed my identity and let me in the house. I waited near the front door while he fetched the cyanide pill. I examined the plants in pots against the wall; some were empty or filled only with dirt. The front room was cluttered with boxes and overflowing papers that continued into the hallway. The room was warm compared to what I was accustomed to, but it made me feel comfortable.

JJ's brother appeared from the hallway and handed me a pill in a baggy.

"Thanks," I said putting it in my pocket.

He guided me outside and closed the door.

I held the cyanide pill in my pocket feeling privileged to have something so dangerous in my hand. I stuck my fingers through the bag and felt the capsule that withheld its deadly powder on the inside. My key chain and leftover change were rubbing against each other, so I took everything out except my new deadly pill and then switched them into my other pocket. The pill deserved its own pocket.

I started laughing to myself as I walked down the sidewalk. A man in a suit looked at me as if I was insane. He was probably right.

The sun was beginning its descent, and the moon was climbing the horizon behind the glorifying path of the sun. Both created an impact but were out of reach. I continued following the sunset and walked on the sidewalk along with everyone else. I tried to maintain my distance so I would not have to brush by them. Incidental contact needed to be avoided.

As I followed the street back to the halfway house, I knew I wouldn't get hassled about rent since I had this week paid for. I twirled the pill in my hand while thinking of a place to swallow it. Somewhere secluded would be ideal. I walked on the outer part of the sidewalk closest to the gutter.

Before crossing the street to the halfway house, I paused and noticed a group of three people talking amongst each other. A properly dressed man and a woman in a white dress were waiting on the porch. I hadn't seen them before, though something felt suspicious. Jill had her arms crossed and was engaged in conversation with the two in front of her.

Bob walked onto the porch and joined their conversation, making it four. I took a few steps back not knowing what was going on. Perhaps I should go back to the library for awhile until the porch was clear. My watch read 5:00 in the afternoon, though it didn't feel like it.

I didn't like the body posture of Jill and I never saw Bob outside before. He always stayed in his little nest of an office in the back of the house. I stayed behind the speed sign curious as what was going on. Finally, the lady in the white dress turned around and looked across the street, almost waiting for something to happen. To the side of the house was a van I had never seen before. I anxiously fiddled the pill in my pocket as my hands shook and body began to sweat.

The familiar woman looked in my direction, but I quickly jerked my body behind the street sign facing the other way. The intersection ahead of me had turned green for the cars as they started to drive by. She put her hand over her forehead and continued to stare at me. My breathing picked up with butterflies jumping in my stomach. I felt so dizzy I wanted to sit down.

I watched the other man dressed in a black suit with a white tie walk up behind her. He stood next to her and hugged her close, noticing that she was looking my way.

Blood sparked through my veins, and the butterflies in my stomach soon changed to anger that everyone was staring at me. I remained behind the sign, grasping the pole tightly.

A convertible car was parked out front which I had never seen before. It was black and had a cross hanging from the rear view mirror. It must have belonged to the man and the familiar woman on the porch. I was still skeptical about the white van parked to the side.

The woman in the dress set down her water bottle, lit up a cigarette, and inhaled a deep breath. A cloud of smoke rose from above her. The cars drove by blocking my view for seconds. She led everyone else down the porch and onto the sidewalk. The way she held the cigarette made me take the pill out of the bag. I threw the bag on the ground and kept the pill in my pocket.

She waved at me and walked with everyone down the sidewalk in front of the halfway house. They motioned for me to come over.

I crossed the street and waited in the middle for the cars to pass by. I heard the horns honk at me as they sped nearby. I stood in the middle lane confused. I knew Jill couldn't be throwing me a surprise birthday party. Either way, I would have refused to participate.

Once I made my way over, I stopped to the side of them and faced the house. I didn't look at any of them in the eyes. Jill looked excited to see me and blurted out, "James! You never told me about your parents! It was your mom that came by! And your dad! They are here for you! Why are you living here if you have parents that love you? Why would you tell such an awful story of them?"

Bob put a hand on her shoulder and pulled her back calmly. My body began shaking at the sight of my mom and the man she was with. They were both smiling and wanted a hug.

"What do you want?" I asked, "And that's not my dad." I looked at the man standing next to my mom. His necklace was gold with a cross linked at the bottom.

"Never will you see us for who we are," she sighed, "How can we put this... We want you to stop all of this and join us at the church. You have been called upon. "

"I'm sorry but that's never going to happen," I said wanting to leave.

Bob stepped forward, "We need you to come inside with us."

"Why?" I said threatened, "Why not outside?"

"We all want you to get better. You are mentally disturbed and we can help that... I mean, you need to be looked at by a professional," my mom said.

"A professional at your church," I said rolling my eyes, "I'm sorry, but I have a lot of things to do." I knew they were trying to gain sympathy from Bob and Jill. They didn't understand what was going on.

"James Taylor," Bob said, "This is your mother and father. You need to respect them and hear them out."

"If you're thinking about bringing me to any of your 'doctors;' I won't do it," I said back," No matter what; I will never participate in your cult." I sat there for a moment and played back what I said in my head and tried to think of other defending words. I looked at Bob and Jill. They couldn't believe how I was treating them.

"You need help," my mom's boyfriend commented.

"I... I don't need any help," I said and put my hands in my pockets. I felt the cyanide pill on my fingertips.

My mom dug into her purse. She took out a photo and held it in front of me. "Here's you as a baby. You were almost eight pounds. Such a quiet and well behaved baby too."

After I examined it for a moment and lost interest, she took out another photo and handed it to me. "This is you with everyone else when you were little. You were so cute."

I studied it for awhile and gave it back to them. "Was that when you started trying to brainwash me? Don't you have any photos where I'm not part of your stupid cult?" I sneered feeling like I had defeated them.

"You always ran away James. Before we were even able to talk with you," my mom replied, "What we worship is part of you. You are one of the most important pieces in it. It is time."

"It isn't time for anything. Nothing that you do will make me go with you."

"You need to stop making up your own little fantasy world," the boyfriend said, "How do you just throw everything away and live in your own pessimistic world. Doesn't it get old? All the misanthropy and isolation... Doesn't it hurt you to think you don't have anybody there for you? This world. This depressive state you've forced yourself into. It's like you're a..."

My mom interrupted, "You need help son."

"Help from what?" I replied.

"You're the only person who wants to be miserable. How could you do such a thing? It's like you don't want to belong with anybody," my mom said, "but we are here. We are here to help you get out of your sick sad world that you created. You are going to be thankful where you are going."

I took another step back from everyone. My head was filled with a flurry of memories from when I had rejected their advances and run away on numerous occasions.

Two tall men walked out of the halfway house and down the stairs. One had handcuffs in his hands while the other followed him in my direction. The man with the handcuffs threw his coat aside and looked in my direction. Crosses were hanging from their necks.

"Please just stay calm James," my mom said, "We are here to help you. You are going to get some help."

I grimaced and then took out my cyanide pill. I examined it in front of me and used the back of my hand to shield it from everybody's view.

"What is that?" she asked.

"None of your business," I replied, and quickly threw it in my mouth. I felt the outer case of the pill and bit it in half. I could feel the deadly powder on my tongue and around my teeth. I breathed in the substance and coughed immediately after. My hand shook as it grabbed my neck. Some of the powder around my mouth flew out with some staying over my teeth. The taste was unbearable.

"What is wrong with you?" my mom said as she reached her hands out for me, "What did you take?"

"Come here son," the boyfriend ordered.

I began coughing profusely, ignoring his request. I closed my mouth and then opened it, trying to breathe through my mouth instead of my nose. I finally swallowed the powder, as my anger changed to fright. I couldn't believe I had just swallowed a cyanide pill, or at least most of it.

Everything in my body started shaking. Drool was hanging from my mouth as I stumbled away from everyone. I tried to run as fast as I could to avoid the two men ready to capture me. I gasped for air and yelled at the same time. My feet moved me to the middle of the street, which allowed me to keep a distance from everybody. I bent over on the ground and started dry heaving while trying to breath at the same time. My head felt heavy as a rock and my feet like they were going to buckle.

The pain intensified with every nerve in my head sending more pain down to my heart. I couldn't take this any longer. With all my might, I jerked my head up to see the intersection light turn green. The pack of cars began to accelerate in my direction turning the street into gallows.

I could no longer understand what everyone was yelling at me, but I knew ahead of me was a bus. I didn't know if anyone was near as my peripheral vision disappeared and tunnel vision commenced. I continued coughing and fighting to breath.

I wanted to end my life quick rather than suffer. Everything was achingly disfigured, but my heart still was pumping exceedingly as I fought for every breath.

I heard someone scream my name.

I squeezed my throat as tight as I could and charged head first into the bus.

Pain quickly speared from my neck down my spine on impact.

Everything finally turned to black with my last thoughts:

Rest in Peace.

Epilogue

A great ending to a story is what we all want because it satisfies our curiosity. When the suspense is at its best, we are left to wonder. Stories are capable to change lives, thoughts, or behavior. Even the smallest thought can have the greatest impact.

When that time comes for the ending, we will have our own separate idea for what happens next. It may be concern or may be comfort. Our envisioned thought will create the everlasting stellar photo in our minds to keep us entertained. Without a doubt, the only satisfaction is through wonder.

We will never truly grasp forever. It's the unobtainable to be obtained.

If living for today is good enough, we become humbled and have captured our intangible mystery in a bottle.

Will you open it? But you can't.

We will carry it with us until the end.

But even at the beginning, we were never meant to know anything.

