
The Selected Writings of Jason Mason
This work is intended for Mature Audiences.
Everything contained in this book is the creation of and owned by Jason Mason with the exception of all materials pertaining to Filth (based on a novel by Irvine Welsh, Random House UK). Filth art by Tim Larson. The X Files and all characters from The X Files is a copyright of 20th Century Fox.

No part of this book may be reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission from the author. No part of this book may be performed in any manner whatsoever without written permission from the author. For information, author may be contacted via selectedwritingsofjasonmason@gmail.com.

If you want to perform something just ask, I'm pretty accommodating.

Jason Mason 2013
Introduction

You will not read all of this book. Its not even meant to be read that way. You'll pick through the shorter bits and if you genuinely show an interest in further reading there's plenty to be reading. I personally would recommend reading the introductions to each section as a guide to the volume you have before you.

This book came about because I had recently realized just how much stuff I'd written over the last dozen years and how little of it anyone had seen. Most of the people I have known/still know have read things here and there but that's about it. And rather than let all this stuff collect dust on a hard drive I thought I would compile it and offer it for anyone who would be interested in reading its contents.

Collected here is the majority of the Short Stories, Sketches, Plays, Screenplays, and Comic Scripts that I have written since around 2001. While format, plot, and subject matter differs variably from story to story, it is all along the same vein.

There are errors; both grammatical and from a formatting standpoint. Its worth remembering that I didn't even really start 'reading' reading until I was 20 years old and I began writing the following year. And being insanely autodidactic means the early stuff has a lot of room for growth, more recent stuff (especially the plays) just needs to be less long-winded in the dialogue. As for formatting, my first compilation of this material was around 900 pages in pdf form. I'm not going to read 900 pages to make sure each line is double-spaced and that I correctly used 'plain' instead of 'plane'. The writing itself? I'm just trying to learn to be less heavy-handed, soapboxy and blunt with my thematic ideas. Live and learn and constantly improve.

If you like what you read please tell a friend. Ask that friend to download it themselves. Leave comments on the site where you downloaded your own copy. These are all things that lead to writers being read and ultimately that's what every writer wants. It facilitates the process like you wouldn't believe and is relatively effortlessly on your part; at least I've tried to make it as easy as possible for you to help me to an extent you'd never believe.

Jason Mason 2013 
Short Stories
Introduction to Short Stories

The majority of these short stories were written with little other purpose than the fact that I had an idea that I felt an overwhelming desire to write down knowing that the concepts held little opportunity for lengthy elaboration. Short and sweet and fun to eat.

A Hunting Trip was a shining example of this scenario. It was like a joke I wanted to tell someone but the length required to tell it would bore anyone listening and therefore would only really work as a quick, five minute read.

First Date, I Want to Be the First to Blow Up the World and What Stray Cats Do When People Aren't Around were hopeful attempts to write something that I could submit to one sci fi anthology or other for publication (if I'm not mistaken none of them were ever submitted). First Date has Ray Kurzweil written all over it (no pun intended) and Blow Up the World came from my belief that the world will not end through nuclear fallout or a giant, cataclysmic occurrence such as an asteroid wiping out all mammalian life just as the dinosaurs were wiped off the planet like so many scaly dingleberries. But rather the planet would end with a bang not a whimper merely through competition amongst the scientific community.

Every researcher in the field of science wants to be the first to achieve whatever Holy Grail their particular focus dictates; be it unlocking the secret to a unified theory, discovering an indisputable method for testing string theory in a laboratory setting, or just managing to figure out how to create a perpetual energy device. No matter what a researcher is working on there are dozens (if not hundreds) of other scientists working toward the same goal and whoever gets it first gets the prize (Nobel or other, preferably many I'm sure). And that's where Blow Up the World comes in; a scientist discovers a way to blow up the world and the only way to achieve his goal is in fact to destroy the planet nullifying his own achievement. As for Stray Cats... well I like cats, and they are funny little buggers.

The Escalators Only Go Up was very specifically about consumerist culture and the ludicrous mindset inherent in such an endeavor. The idea came to me while Christmas shopping. I had gone to a shopping mall that had two levels. Just two. But when I entered the Macy's store and looked at their directory of departments (yes, that's how little I go to Macy's) I noticed a third floor that did not exist in the rest of the mall itself.

So I took the in-store escalator up to the third floor and nosed around for a bit through the common wares of Macy's. Then I looked for the escalator to go back down. Perhaps it was the crowds, perhaps it was the anxiety/hatred I have toward shopping malls to begin with; but for the life of me I couldn't find the escalator to take me down, I just kept passing the one I rode up on. Now, I am notorious for freaking myself out. I don't scare easily but my own mind can jump to conclusions that curdle my blood (such as the time I fell asleep on my arm and upon waking in a dark room I completely believed that my still sleeping arm was in fact no arm at all; that my entire life of having two arms had been a wonderful dream that I had just woken from into the reality of a life wherein I was an amputee. Two minutes of total panic ensued before turning on the light to discover that I was still whole). The thought cemented in my mind immediately that there was no escalator going down; that I was stuck there in the hell that is the third, secret floor of Macy's to forever be lost amongst Martha Stewart quilts and lifetime warrantied pots/pans sets. And there was the idea.

And 10 minutes later I finally found the down escalator and took my ass right out of that mall.

The Spider and His Web was an attempt at a children's book which, like poetry, most writers have taken a stab at in hopes that something short and relatively easy to write will lead to lucrative returns. I could write, so why the hell not? Well, writing a children's book and expecting to make a lot of money is much like becoming a philosophy major and expecting a career from it; the chances of either happening are about equally slim.

At last we come to The Man Who Died and Went to Venus. This was written so I could convert it to a comic book script and submit it to a publication that was, in particular, thought of as a starting point for new writers/artists. They were receptive to open submissions for comic book scripts ranging in length from five to eight pages (or so) containing a sci fi story with a twist ending.

The Man Who Died and Went to Venus was the first serious effort I had made at submitting a piece of writing to a publisher. Over a year later I received a very polite form letter, informing me that my story had not been accepted.
A Hunting Trip

About an hour before the sun had risen little Jimmy was awakened by his father from a dream where candy cane cherubs were sprinkling his nose with gum drops and fairy dust as he played with an array of toys that bent and folded into things they originally were not and even told little Jimmy how much they enjoyed Jimmy playing with them.

"Wake up Jimmy. It's time to get ready."

"Grmphle urg. Where did the fairies go?"

"Oh Jimmy." Jimmy's father warmly, quietly said in his deep yet soft voice. "You were only having a dream. Come come, its time we got going."

"But the toys were almost playing with themselves they were so much fun."

"I'm sure they were Jimmy but that was just a dream. There's some real fun to be had this morning."

"But the..."

"No buts Jimmy. Put on the new clothes I bought for you and let's get going."

Jimmy's father rose off the bed and left Jimmy to get dressed. Jimmy grudgingly climbed out of his racecar-shaped bed and pulled on clothing that he'd never worn before. They were warm and camouflage in color and they made Jimmy's skin itch until he thought bugs were crawling over him. Jimmy longed to be back in the land of toys and fairies but he knew his father would only disrupt his paradise again should he return to slumber.

Little Jimmy entered the kitchen to find his father dressed in a similar fashion as he himself was dressed. His father was at the table sipping a cup of coffee.

"Well, look at the little hunter."

"Dad these clothes are itchy."

"Yes they are Jimmy but they are very useful. It's still a might chilly out, lad, and your mother wouldn't like you coming home with the sniffles now would she?"

"No." was Jimmy's reply. It sounded as though Jimmy was disappointed that he wouldn't be coming home with a cold. Jimmy was thinking if he did then maybe he wouldn't have to get up so early and put on itchy clothes ever again.

"Are you ready to go son?"

"I'm hungry."

"No worries. I've packed us food for the trip." Jimmy's father said while he patted a lunch pail. "Off we go then."

No sooner they were on the highway which led away from the city instead of toward it crushing all hopes for Jimmy that this was some strange hoax. Jimmy had clung to the possibility that this trip, proposed the previous night, was a clever ruse to trick Jimmy into thinking they weren't going to that new candy store in the city which promised nothing short of nirvana on the physical plane. Nirvana in 1127 assorted flavors. Jimmy daydreamed himself to sleep of how he would be forced to act shocked and amazed when he took off the blindfold to find that he wasn't in the tree-filled woods but in this longed for metropolis of all things cavity inducing. He would fake it well for his dad's sake all the while smiling on the inside because of his own cleverness. Jimmy thought his dad wasn't very clever. But no, this was the real deal. There would be no candy stores on this trip and when Jimmy convinced himself of this he quietly stared out the window at houses and mailboxes as they rushed by. He daydreamed through his sleep deprived haze about the candy store reward that would surely come after this trip and how unclever his father would prove to be.

"Are you going to sleep over there son?"

"No dad. Dad?"

"Yes son?"

"Why do I have to go hunting? It's too early and it's too cold and the woods can be frightfully boring."

"You've never been to the woods before son."

"I know but they don't even have bathrooms there."

"But its nature. You can pee anywhere you like."

"I know but Dad..."

"Ah Jimmy. Even though this is something you don't want to do now it is something you'll thank me for later. This may not be your idea of fun but later in life you'll see why we're doing this."

"Dad, you still haven't really told me what we're doing."

"Well son, perhaps it's time we remedied that." The car began to slow down and Jimmy's father made a right turn onto a road that immediately put Jimmy ill at ease. The road was surrounded by trees on each side that were so close together that the presently rising sun could not pierce the darkness with its rays. "You see Jimmy; ancient peoples had initiation rights for manhood."

"What are initiation rights?"

"Glad you asked Jimmy. An initiation right is sort of like something you must do. Like a test at school. It's a task you perform to prove a level of achievement. It's something you can be proud of."

"What's manhood?"

Jimmy's father was quiet for a moment with an annoyed look on his face. "It means you're grown up."

"But Dad, I'm just a kid."

"You're a child now Jimmy but by this day's end you will be a man."

"Is this what you and mom were arguing about yesterday?"

"No son, of course not. We were arguing because your mother is a worthless whore."

"Oh."

After driving deep into the wilderness the road turned to gravel. After driving further still the car slowed to a halt on the cusp of the gravel road turning into a muddy road.

"All right Jimmy my boy, here we are."

Jimmy got out of the car at his father's beckoning and followed him around to the trunk of the car. Jimmy's father opened the trunk and removed a small spear.

"This is for you Jimmy."

He handed the spear to Jimmy which Jimmy took it in bewilderment. His father produced a compass from his pocket and knelt down to Jimmy's eye level.

"Do you know how to use this?"

"The compass or the spear?"

"Either."

Timidly he replied, "No."

"Well this compass will tell you which direction you're going in. You want to walk toward the east. When the arrow points to the big E you're walking east."

"What about this?" Jimmy held up the spear and sniffled but not because of the cold.

Jimmy's father replied with a deranged glee, "That's your killing stick my boy!"

"What, what do I do with it?"

"You kill with it."

"Kill what?"

"A boar."

"Why do I have to kill a boar?"

"To prove you're a man."

"Why do I have to kill a boar to prove I'm a man?"

"Because I said so."

"How does killing a boar make me a man?"

"It just does."

"What's a boar?"

"It's a big, mean pig with tusks."

"Tusks?!"

"Yes son. Stick it in the ribs. Go for the heart. That'll take it down the quickest."

Jimmy's father rose to his feet and climbed inside the car. He was starting the engine when Jimmy tapped on the window with the spear head.

"Where are you going Dad?"

"This is something you must do alone. Just keep walking east and I'll meet you when you exit the woods."

"What if I don't find a boar?"

"Then he'll find you."

Jimmy's father began to raise the window when Jimmy asked, "But what about breakfast. You said you brought some food for us and I'm really hungry."

Jimmy's father thought for a moment staring off into the distance. He then turned to Jimmy and said, "I lied." He threw gravel from the tires as he reversed the car swinging it wildly around to a quick stop and then off again with the forward momentum hurling what passed for road in his wake. Jimmy was left alone and frightened in the woods.

Little Jimmy stood in place for what felt to him like forever looking around and trying to assess the situation. Every few minutes he'd catch himself looking down at the spear. He thought to himself that this must be some kind of trick. Perhaps his dad was cleverer than he thought. Jimmy daydreamed that his dad would be diving back down that gravel road any minute with the car so full of toys there'd barely be room for him to sit. Jimmy's father didn't come back.

Eventually Jimmy began walking through the woods. He imagined his fear would abate with the rising of the sun but the more of this foreign land he could see the more it frightened him. Jimmy was an optimistic little boy and if the woods were dark Jimmy could rely on his imagination to create tamer surroundings: the animals would be miles away, the snakes would be held at bay in the rapture of night, the bugs would be content to stare. But as it stood Jimmy could see everything around him: needle-sharp thorns, birds of prey overhead, the gnats moments before they smacked into his face with a force Jimmy which surprised. This was not a welcoming environment for a young boy to be in.

Jimmy walked on. Leagues and leagues it seemed he walked. Sweat had long ago beaded across his body underneath the insulated garb wrapped tightly around him. Jimmy walked on. Chirps and crushing leaves and wind through trees and hisses and buzzes permeated the atmosphere. Jimmy walked on. The spear grew heavy in his hand. Jimmy walked on. His stomach growled and he wondered if hungry animals' stomachs grumbled in the same way as they watched him walk through their woods. Jimmy walked on. The spear got heavier. The noises grew louder. Jimmy walked on. His eyes were darting to and fro and from side to side. Jimmy walked on as his senses began to take on a new, preternatural plateau of instinct and observation. Madness was taking Jimmy's little mind.

Jimmy wasn't thinking so much about the hunger anymore. The sweat didn't bother him at all and he was even clutching the spear with a new zeal holding it closer to his chest. Little Jimmy was now ready for battle. He wasn't just walking the woods any longer. He was stalking them. The thrill of the find was what Jimmy anticipated. "Will I have to give chase? Will I throw my spear or bring down the beast while so close I can smell it? Would it be uncouth to leave it's bowels atop the ground for its kin to witness my work?" These thoughts were the questions Jimmy found himself asking.

A rustling was heard. Feet crushed the leaves. The smaller, lower branches of a nearby tree were being disturbed. Jimmy knew this was it. He hunched lower to the ground. The spear was raised higher to his chest by Jimmy's little tensed arm. His eyelids pulled to squints in attempt to hone in sight of the creature. The branches moved again prompting Jimmy to lunge forward. Ten paces was all that separated Jimmy from his manhood; his glory. Both hands were grasping the spear now as he prepared to thrust death into his bounty. He could almost taste the raw flesh. Then a wolf leapt from it's hiding toward Little Jimmy.

The next thing Jimmy saw was the ceiling of a hospital room. His mother was asleep in a chair not far from where Jimmy laid. The sounds of a morning talk show played gently from the television attached to the wall which rested in an elevated position from the floor. He asked his mother for the time and she awoke in tears. A nurse was called for inspection. She gave Jimmy an 'OK so far' evaluation. Not a clean bill of health but considering the injuries everyone was happy for the news.

Little Jimmy laid in bed for weeks where he received: food he didn't like, a card from his schoolmates along with the grand prize winning painting of an art competition held in his honor, evaluations, boredom and all sorts of poking and prodding. The best day for Jimmy was when the pretty woman from the local news station came to visit and everyone made a big deal of it. Jimmy was famous while he was in the hospital. He'd never been to one before and he felt pretty good about how well he was doing at it. Everyone cared so much they all did something for him. Jimmy felt great. Everyone gave Little Jimmy everything he could ever ask for except, of course, a mirror.

They would later tell Jimmy what had befallen him when he was attacked. It would seem that Jimmy was indeed attacked by a wolf. Jimmy blacked out from shock while the wolf was helping itself to a large serving of his lower intestines. The wolf was chased away by a pursuer of its own, a man from a nearby farm who was following the beast to its den. The wolf had plagued the farmer for quite some time and a decision was made to track it down. Since the attack a community mob had been formed to search the woods for the lowly attacker but to no avail. The mob disbanded leaving the wolf at large.

Jimmy's dad was sent to a place where he could rest and all his needs would be looked after. Jimmy visited his dad there once a few years later. Jimmy's dad drooled as he spoke of Pythagoras' feet and making love to Abraham Lincoln. 'Abe' his father called Lincoln but only when they were alone. Jimmy lived with his mom thereafter. He went to a different school and was still trying to get used to the way people reacted to seeing him. No one looked him in the eye anymore unless they were looking at the bad one.

Little Jimmy had to poop in a bag for the rest of his life.

The End
First Date (in the Flesh)

At 4.00pm Winston had finished his work day and by 4.02pm he had transported his consciousness back to the metallic body at his apartment which was still hardwired into his computer. He unplugged the shoulder jack and stood out of his chair to stretch the perpetually stubborn joints of his robotic host. He had acquired the antiquated body from his sister's boyfriend after his fleshy body had failed him mostly due to lack of maintenance. The organs had ceased to function properly after Winston had forgotten to water it regularly enough. Winston was in the habit of neglecting things which he felt he didn't require and therefore hated. He hated the expenses that went into feeding and watering a fleshy body and he hated the routine of washing and grooming to keep it looking new. But above all else he was repulsed by the waste management system that had to be endured to keep it in working order. Winston greatly disliked owning flesh bodies but he also knew that many women would have nothing to do with a guy that did not own any flesh of his own. It was common knowledge that the ownership of such a thing was more of a status symbol than anything and Winston hated this fact as well. Winston was eager to arrive home on that day because that night he had a date with a young lady named Abby. He had met Abby through his friend Richard a few weeks beforehand and had met with her a few times in virtual arenas after their introduction. The previous night she had agreed to let them intertwine their ethereal minds and now Winston was socially obligated to meet her on the following day for a flesh date. Winston was greatly relieved to find that he did not contract any viruses from her programming since he had lowered his safeguards to illegally download erotica programs for self installation. He hadn't expected her to agree to his instigations and was very happy to have the software handy when she agreed. Once he had returned to his body after their meeting he immediately ran a scan on his mind to see if any infiltrations from foreign, non-sentient programs had been made. The last girl Winston had merged with had traces of advertising programs in her coding.

Winston lumbered around his apartment in his metallic cell of a body where he searched for his wireless broadcaster so he could ensure his reservations for dinner were still existent. He found the broadcaster next to his external database and he promptly plugged it into the side of his head. The antenna extended automatically as he placed the call to Ludy's. The bodies there were moderately good and the food was, to Winston's surprise after his first visit, more than tolerable. Winston greatly preferred dining out so someone else could jump into the body later and take care of the dirty work of expulsing the meal he had eaten. The mere thought of excrement made him uneasy to the point that his mother once recommended he see a doctor to be diagnosed with coprophobia. After 0.15 minutes a woman answered his call and verified that his reservation was indeed still there.

A call was then placed to Winston's bank so he could make sure that his pay had gone through to his account properly. Miserly as Winston was he did derive pleasure from taking a woman out and spending a great deal of money on her. If he wasn't going to even have a body of his own at least he could have fun spending his money. As it stood the metallic body he was in was more of a suit of armor than a functional living apparatus but Winston felt there just wasn't much need to own a flesh body when you could rent one. An angelic sounding voice answered his call and told him his account was exactly how Winston knew it should have been. Though the man sounded like an authentic person Winston thought it was probably automated all the same. The price of technological advancement, Winston felt, was he could never be sure if a real person was speaking to him at any given time. It was a paranoia that he kept with him at all times during any social interaction.

Winston then sent Abby a text message to let her know they had their reservations for 7.08pm at Ludy's. He didn't want to contact her directly because he thought that they would have enough time to talk during dinner and he didn't want to run out of things to say to her. She sent him a prompt reply which was only factual and held little personality. Since dinner was a few hours away and Winston had taken care of all the necessary arrangements he decided to log himself in and go into Slumber Mode. He set an alert to bring him out of suspension once Abby had logged herself in. He sat down in front of his computer and plugged the thick cable into his shoulder. Winston's metal casing became lifeless as his consciousness entered the ethereal.

"Hi!" Abby cheerily greeted him at 7.01pm.

Still slowed by the awakening process Winston managed to reply, "How are you?"

"Oh I'm good. Work was a pain but it always is. Did you just wake up?"

"Yeah I had a few hours on my hands."

"So this place is called Ludy's?"

"I've been there before. Pretty good stuff."

"Shall we go then?"

"We shall."

At 7.03pm they arrived in their bodies at Ludy's. They customarily looked themselves and each other over to examine their bodies and make sure that they could recognize each other should they get separated. Winston noted to himself that Abby's body was wider in the hips than he preferred but her breasts were firm and ample. Abby was happy to see that Winston had blue eyes and a prominent jaw line. His body showed early signs of balding and its stomach wasn't firm but she reminded herself that these were restaurant bodies.

"Is it narcissistic of me to always look myself over in a new body?" Winston asked. "I even do it when I'm by myself."

With a smile on her face Abby replied, "I have to make a conscious decision not to. I guess we're all a little vain."

"Either that or we're just making sure we get our money's worth."

"May be."

Winston and Abby unplugged the cables from the backs of their necks and walked to the hostess so they could be seated. They were taken to their table without waiting for one to become available. It was a Tuesday night and therefore not very busy. They were given menus and their drink orders were taken by a young woman who seemed to be having a bad night. Her replies came sullenly enough to cause Winston and Abby to knowingly look at each other several times.

After the waitress had walked away for their drinks Winston said, "Wow, there's a little ray of sunshine."

"It's pretty dead in here. Maybe she isn't making any money."

"Maybe she's just a bitch." The words slipped out of Winston's mouth on their own volition and they surprised even him. His face froze immediately and with slight panic he looked up from his menu to see Abby's shocked expression. "I'm sorry. I have no idea where that came from." he said in an effort to redeem himself.

"Little harsh there Winston." she replied with disdain. Her gaze then went down to her own menu.

With added inflection he repeated "I'm sorry." but Abby ignored his second attempt at apology.

The waitress returned with the drinks and took their order with as little interaction as possible. There was no tongue in cheek glances between Winston and Abby with the waitress' second visit. Although Winston knew he had screwed up he chose to drop the error completely and not let it interfere with his evening.

"Have you spoken to Richard lately?" Winston asked.

"Not for a week or so. I don't know him that well."

"I've known him for a few years now. We used to work together." he did not say what job they worked together so he could see if Abby was interested enough to ask.

"Richard seems OK. He's dating my friend Rachael. She likes him pretty well."

"Yeah Richard's a stand up guy."

There were no words spoken between them for several minutes. Winston began to grow uncomfortable and anxious with the silence that prevailed. He racked his brain for something interesting to say to her but could think of nothing. Words always ceased to flow for him when he needed them the most. As the silence continued his anxiety grew and he started to think that Abby must be terribly bored with him. He was thankful when the food arrived promptly. The waitress sat the plates on the table with a mild thud and walked away before Winston could ask her for extra napkins.

"Mmm, this smells really good." Abby said with a tone that changed Winston's mind about how she felt about the date up to that point. It put him at ease to hear her speak in such a way and he was almost embarrassed that he had ever doubted that the evening had become desolate.

"How long has it been since you've eaten anything?"

Abby looked up and away in an animated manner which Winston found to be very attractive. "I had some breakfast this morning. I'm usually pretty good about feeding my body. How about you?"

"It's probably been about a month now." Winston knew he ran a risk by admitting his lack of bodily ownership but he felt that if Abby couldn't accept such a thing then he had no business spending any significant amount of time with her. Materialism was not an admirable trait in Winston's opinion.

"You don't own a body?"

"I've had a few of them but it's so time consuming to keep up with one. I guess I just don't think it's a necessity. I can always come up with one if I need it."

"I don't know how I'd get by without mine. I mean, I leave it at home most of the time but it's totally worth the effort."

Genuinely interested Winston asked, "What do you like about having one?"

With a mouth half-filled with food she giggled slightly and covered her mouth before responding, "Eating for one." Winston laughed mildly with her. "I really like smells too. My apartment is filled with scented candles and I can't help burning them all the time. It's usually the first thing I do when I get home. And sleep. Oh god I love to sleep."

"But there's so much that can go wrong with them. They can get fat and you have to trim the hair all the time. Bathing is such a pain."

"Do you never take baths?"

"Once or twice but they don't do much for me."

"I love taking baths. I always light candles, turn off all the lights and just lay there for hours."

"Illnesses; I think that's the worst for me. I've gotten sick a couple of times and it put me off to being in flesh really quickly."

"Even your mind can get sick though. If they're ethereal too often they always become corrupt."

"Oh I know. It wasn't that long ago I was seeing someone that infected me with advertising programs. I hadn't even realized until we went out for drinks and I found myself talking about synthetic feldspars for over an hour. The strange part was she seemed to know just as much about the intricacies of them as I did but we just could not stop talking about feldspars. It was the most involved and uninteresting conversation I've ever had." Winston was so caught up in his story that he had not taken notice to Abby's reaction.

"You have a virus?!" she said with true shock in her voice.

"No no. I had one. After I figured out what had happened I purged myself. I know I don't have anything now. I even tested myself after we merged last night."

Though Winston thought he had completely absolved himself Abby's face still had a look of shocked disgust. "You didn't use protection last night?"

Stammering his speech he answered, "Well, um... no."

"You just got through purging yourself from a virus and you didn't use protection with me last night?"

"No."

"Great. Just great. Now I get to go home and run a whole check on myself."

"I'm sorry."

With no acknowledgment of his apology she continued, "And I was in my body last night. If you gave me something that infected my body I'm going to hurt you."

"I told you I don't have anything. I checked last night."

"I can't believe you did that. Thanks a lot Winston."

She took only a few more bites before she theatrically dropped her fork onto her plate. "You know what? I'm just going to go. I can't even eat anymore I'm so worried now."

"C'mon Abby don't be like that."

"Whatever. See you around Winston." and with that she left the table and returned to the waiting room.

Winston watched as she sat down and connected herself to the hardwire that ran from the wall. In moments her body slumped into lifelessness until it became reanimated by another patron to the restaurant. Winston felt terrible about what had happened and knew that he would never hear from Abby again.

"Me and my big mouth." he said as he pushed a piece of food around his plate. "Oh well." He finished what was on his plate and then ate what was left on Abby's. He then walked to the bar where he commenced to get drunk enough to cause him to be carried back to the waiting room. One of the cooks had to plug him back into the wall.

When Winston's mind had reentered the ethereal he was instantly sober again. He thought it best to put an end to his night and returned to his apartment. Winston decided not to let himself feel bad about how the date had ended. He reminded himself that there would always be other women and that he was just not meant to be with Abby. He allowed himself to forget about the previous few weeks of expectation about a possible future with her by convincing himself that he had only taken her out because their merge the night before.

By the time that he started to feel better about things his wireless broadcast began to beep. He plugged it into his head to check the message and was notified that Ludy's had charged his account extra funds due to an alcohol poisoned body which Winston had left behind. His acceptance of the rotten evening was demolished and without a second thought he placed a call to Abby so he could take out his frustrations on her. The call was not answered and went to her voicemail where she asked in a very sweet voice for the caller to leave her a message. When he heard her voice Winston remembered why he began liking her in the first place. Even the minutest of her words seemed to hold something special to him that he could not define.

"Abby. Hi. Um, listen, I know it was totally immature and irresponsible of me to do what I did and I just wanted to tell you again that I am really sorry. I guess karma caught up to me pretty quickly because now I get to pay for repairs on the body from the restaurant. It's kinda funny really. But anyway, um, if you don't completely hate me for what I did I would like to see you again sometime soon so if you want to give me a call or find me while I'm plugged in that would be great. If not, well, I'm sorry. Bye."

Even though Winston knew that there were a great many other women out there and even though he knew that eventually another would come along he also knew that he would spend the next week with the hope that she would call him back.

The End
I Want to be the First to Blow Up the World

Edward Jenkins stood in front of the assembly he had called together which consisted of scientists from around the globe and he planned to make the biggest announcement of his career.

"Ladies and gentlemen of the scientific community I have called you all here with purpose on this evening." Edward's brow incessantly beaded with sweat and he felt streams of the salty liquid as it flowed from his bellybutton, down around his middle-aged stomach and into his pants. "First let me begin by saying that in this room resides the greatest minds of our time. Untold volumes of scientific research and discovery could be written merely by eavesdropping around these dinner tables for an hour. Did everyone enjoy the dinner?" Edward's attempt at easing the tension in the room, more his than anyone else's, fell on deaf ears. He paused briefly for a reaction of laughter or applause or anything that would have made him feel more relaxed but in return for his failed attempt at good humor he received only cleared throats and seat shifting.

More ill at ease than before he continued. "The scientific community has been nothing but nurturing to my endeavors and many in this room are personally responsible for my last twenty years of study. There are many here I would gladly count as not just colleagues but friends. It brings me great joy that you good people will be the first to know that I intend to destroy the world."

Again there was silence amongst the crowd much like the silence that had been ever present during any of Edward's speeches. He made speeches very infrequently and never acquired the ability to 'work' a crowd. He had come to expect silence from his listeners in the past but still he was a little surprised at the absolute lack of response.

"Does anyone have questions?"

An elder statesman of the scientific community raised his hand and without waiting to be called upon he asked, "What?"

"What?" Edward was puzzled and unable to think properly having finally made his grand announcement. He had spent so much time thinking about his declaration that he had given no thought to anything else including the questions he may be asked.

"What did you just say? I couldn't hear you."

"Oh." Edward lowered his mouth as close to the microphone as possible without touching it and his voice came out with an unusual booming quality. "I said I'm going to destroy the earth."

"Really?" the old man asked. "Interesting."

The old man was a senior researcher at Expanse Development, a partially Swedish government funded institute that had gained much prestige in a very short amount of time due mostly to its ability to pay it's scientists handsomely which brought in a large number of great, underpaid minds. Expanse also had a daily dessert /salad bar open to its researches.

With the old man's intrigue into Edward's statement other scientists' interest were roused as well.

"How will you do it?" asked a young voice whose face Edward could not make out because of the distance and the stage lights.

"It's quite simple really. I have designed a powerful, programmable drill drone that will burrow into the ground to the earth's tectonic plates with a small nuclear device as payload. Once it reaches the plates the payload will detonate causing the plates to shift. If my theories are correct the planet will more or less implode on itself."

"What inspired you to create this device?"

"I think it was humanity's natural desire to know what will happen if you do something that has never been done before."

"Brilliant quote!" one woman proclaimed.

"When will you begin your experiment?"

"Oh it's already begun. Drilling began two hours before my arrival here."

"Where did you launch it from?"

"The ocean of course. I wanted the head start and there was no point of starting W.I.N.D.O.N. much higher than he needed to be. I thought I would save the little guy a little effort."

"Have you begun setting up devices to record the data?"

"Well the reaction should be very easy to witness." Edward laughed at his own remark. He was very pleased with the admiration he was sure he had evoked amongst his peers. It wasn't until he heard no one else laughing that he realized scientists had not been eager for his answers but journalists that had turned up for the announcement and were grilling him for quotes and sound bites to print. He also realized at that point that he was severely incriminating himself before his peers who also sat not in awe but with their mouths agape at his audacity. His social anxieties finally overtook him.

"Well that concludes this evening's announcements. I will... goodnight."

Edward left the stage and silence permeated the room. At the foot of the stage stairs there was an emergency exit and in Edward's haste he did not read the warning of an alarm. Once out the door and into the chilly night he could hear the fire alarm blaring and could almost make out the crowd's cries of shock not at his doomsday declaration but with the activation of the sprinkler system.

Edward drove home in total dismay. He disregarded most street signs, several red lights and the fact that the radio blasted his teenaged daughter's latest boy band infatuation. He arrived in his driveway to find his home deserted and in complete darkness. He had just enough time to make himself a sandwich and sit down in his favorite chair when there was a stern knock at his door. Edward paid no attention to what the officers said while they cuffed him and walked him to a squad car. The ride to the police station was a silent one.

Ellen was buzzed in to the holding cells wing at 2am and she was not happy with the fact that she had to wait in a police precinct lobby for over half an hour with what she would call pimps, pushers and prostitutes. She was equally unhappy with the fact that Edward had been arrested in the first place. She had asked herself several times how Edward could ever think to do that to her.

An officer escorted Ellen down the row of cells and rapped each set of bars with his baton every time an inmate cat-called to Ellen. She was pleased though surprised that the jail in her community was still old fashioned enough to use a stereotypical and out-dated source of holding their prisoners. There were no magnetically sealed doors and they weren't even solid metal three inches thick and they did not have small openings at the bottom to slide food trays through. Ellen imaged the prisoners to have a cache of tin cups to angrily rap across the bars after lights out. Secretly she was pleased with herself with every crude comment made about her. It had been a long time since she had evoked this much attention from free men.

Ellen and the guard finally arrived at Edward's cell and her escort excused himself from her. Edward sat on his bed reading a book and looked very much to Ellen like he were at home doing the same.

"Edward! I cannot believe you have been arrested."

"Hello Ellen."

"When Marcus called to tell me you were here I was simply appalled. Do you realize where I was having dinner and who I was having it with? I was eating with the head of my department about a possible promotion and a transfer out of this accursed city you dragged me to over a decade ago. 'A year we'll be here' you said. 'Two at the most' and here we are Edward. You're in jail and my boobs are scrapping my knees. What do you have to say for yourself?"

"Did Marcus tell you why I'm here?"

"He told me about you embarrassing yourself in front of the entire scientific community by saying you were blowing up the earth or something."

"They've arrested me but there's no way of stopping it now."

"They didn't arrest you for playing mad scientist they arrested you for setting off the fire alarm at the conference hall. The fire department and everyone showed up. And we can probably expect a few lawsuits over ruined attire as well. Really Edward what were you thinking?"

"I was thinking I wanted to achieve something. I wanted to be remembered for something and destroying the planet is a feat that no one will be able to top."

"Are you an idiot? If you destroy the world no one will be around to remember it."

"Not true. I've launched a small rocket into space which will act as a time capsule. Inside the capsule is a disc with a recording of me telling anyone who will listen what I have done."

"Well let's hope alien races are using Macs because if they don't they'll think the final act of humanity was to launch chunks of plastic at them."

"Have you paid my bail? I asked Marcus to but he was pretty upset about his tux. It was a rental. I'm surprised he even called you."

"I didn't pay your bail. They said they could only hold you for a few days for a false alarm and I think it will do you some good to stay in here."

"Thanks a lot Ellen."

"Your assistant is here to see you as well. Lenny I think. They'd only let one at a time come back but I told him it wouldn't take me long. Enjoy your stay here."

Ellen's heels clopped triumphantly down the hallway as she walked past the cells once again not bothering to signal to the guard for an escort. Edward went back to reading and was only a page further along when his assistant Ken was saying hello.

"Hello Ken."

"Eddy you're in jail."

"I know Ken."

"You're still going to destroy the planet aren't you?"

"No Ken I'm not. I'd like nothing more than to be able to do it but I couldn't."

"W.I.N.D.O.N. was fully operational sir. What happened to him?"

"I couldn't go through with it. I dismantled him earlier today. My humanity got in the way of my science and I couldn't destroy the world. I'm such a failure."

"But you told everyone you'd gone through with the plan?"

"It was all a lie Ken. There's no way they can prove I didn't so I figured at worst I could just tell everyone the mission was unsuccessful but we learned a great deal. I just wanted to be a success at something. Do you know what I mean?"

"In a way sir I think you just may have doomed the planet. I mean, you know how these things work. One scientist says something is possible and then others try to emulate it. Then one of their colleagues has a better method so they start trying it and so on. If I had to guess I'd say you've started a chain reaction that will blow up the planet in no time. In the name of scientific research and progress of course."

"Of course."

"You may not gain any notoriety for what you've done today but did you become a scientist for the glamor of it?"

Realization dawned on Edward with Ken's kind words and he knew for the first time in a long time that things weren't as bad as they seemed. He knew that though sometimes life could be a rut there's always a way out. "Thank you Ken. Thank you so much. You've always been there for me and I just want to say thank you. The past few years have been rough for me but this may be the start of things turning around for me yet."

"You're welcome sir. I'll see you in a few days."

"Have a good night Ken."

Edward laid his head down at lights out and found himself more relaxed than he had felt for a long time. He reminded himself that these past few years were just a small bump in the road for him and even though tomorrow would find him still behind bars it would seem like a brighter day to wake up to.

At 4am Ken returned to his lab, the one Edward has no knowledge of, and could not help manically laughing out loud. It was something along with making proclamations to himself that he had gotten in the inescapable habit of as of late.

"I knew the old fool wouldn't have gone through with it. All talk and no action is what he's about. But me? I saw this coming. Yes I did. This is why while I aided his research I was doing a bit of my own. Edward had the good sense to plot the beginning of the end at the ocean. W.I.N.D.O.N. may have even worked if Edward's head was in the business of it but it wasn't. He didn't want the thing to work. Me? I chose to expand on his idea. Hmmmm yes I did. Instead of a nuclear device at the tectonic plates I'll be setting mine off at the ocean's floor. Quite a lot of pressure down there. If my calculations are correct there may just be enough to crush the hydrogen atoms together with a bit of helium I've thrown in to create a star in the ocean! Even the tiniest of stars will evaporate the ocean within seconds and cause such an explosion that the earth itself will be ripped apart. And everyone, no, no one will know that I was the first person to blow up the earth!

The End
What Stray Cats Do When People Aren't Around

A man walks along the wet sidewalk just after a light rain when he sees a familiar stray cat awaiting his return home. The man always feeds the grey feline when it makes its presence known to him. He only asks the cat if it would be kind enough to wait near the door while he walks inside and prepares a dish of cat food he buys especially for his little stray friend. The man is kind enough to not attempt to pet the grey, stray cat knowing that the cat shies away from humanity but he still takes pleasure in making sure it gets at least a few good meals a week.

After the man places the filled dish onto the pavement outside his apartment for the cat he walks back inside to assure the stray that the coast is clear. The man looks out his window at the hungry cat eating and asks himself aloud, "What do you do when I'm not around?"

Once the grey, stray cat has eagerly finished his meal he scampers off to the nearest alleyway where he has hidden his space ship only moments before the man's arrival. The cat climbs into the craft, presses several buttons with his paws initiating liftoff. The small vessel escapes our atmosphere within minutes and the grey, stray cat is on his way to Epsillius 7 where a war with the evil Emperor Mignon rages on.

The stray puts a communicator helmet on his furry head and with the flick of a switch by his tail his view screen flashes into the face of Commander Simon.

"Ah Lieutenant Tassell," exclaims Simon, "how excellent it is to see your face once again! Are you prepared for your mission good sir?"

"I am indeed Simon." Tassell replies. "Where shall I set my coordinates? I wish to have stinck blood on my claws sooner than later."

"Stealth is the name of this game Tassell. We want you to exercise the utmost caution on this mission. You will be going to the absurdly dangerous heart of the stinck capital and The Alliance would frankly be lost without you. Your charge will be the acquisition of a single gem which Emperor Mignon himself holds in the highest praise."

In a slight state of shock Tassell asks, "You don't mean..."

"Yes strong Tassell. The Conteet Gem is the cornerstone of the Pratho pantheon which the emperor clings to so dearly to manipulate his followers. Legend has it that the stone is the only physical manifestation of the god Yamin and it was prophesied that the theft of the Conteet would be the precursor to the fall of the Mignon lineage. The Alliance wishes to use Mignon's superstitions against him by stealing the gem."

"But sir, the Conteet is the most heavily guarded item on all of Epsillius 7. Why, it's more closely guarded than the emperor himself."

"That may be true young Tassell but tomorrow is the religious holiday known as Medaaba. During this holiest of days Mignon's personal barrage of warrior priests, the Prathesth, will privately be hypnotizing themselves while locked in a hidden room with the Conteet in an attempt to mind link with the living essence of the gem."

"Aren't Mignon's priests held as the fiercest warriors of all Epsillius 7?

"They are indeed but their gods require humbleness as punishment for their flesh. While the Pratho religion does reward ferocity their gods laugh at them during their personal contact by forcing them to basically become doe-eyed babes."

"So if I can make it to that hidden chamber once they've gone into their trances I can steal the gem from under the Prathesth's noses and they will be religiously bound to do nothing to stop me. Excellent." The lieutenant hungrily ran his sandpaper tongue across his lips.

"I wouldn't count on them doing nothing to you if they aren't in their trance Tassell. Even though their gods promise to forsake them for violence in their presence if the Prathesth don't stop you Mignon will have their heads."

"And if I should slay them Simon?"

"Well I can't tell you what to do once you're in their midst Tassell. The official order is to snag the gem and run but do what you feel is necessary."

"This hidden chamber; surely it will be impossible to penetrate even if we knew its location. How am I supposed to get in?"

"Leave that up to our resident genius Lindimus."

Commander Simon steps out of Tassell's view and Lindimus jauntily enters the frame.

"Greetings Tassell!"

"Ahoy to you Lindimus. I haven't seen you since we sent you streaking through the 10th Female Brigade's sleeping quarters during the Reverie Ball of 3 Moon 9."

Lindimus could still feel the tinge of embarrassment from the lofty laughter of an entire squadron of female soldiers during their only leave of absence party. He did, however, make 37 kenits though he hates the memory of where they stuffed the bills and still wonders if their was any he hadn't found yet considering only days before he had unearthed a 2 kenit note in an unmentionable area of his body.

"Oh yes Tassell. What an evening that was for us all."

"Indeed!"

"Well let's down to it shall we? It turns out that the Conteet Gem does actually emit a frequency very similar to what Mignon's high priests recognize as their kind's voices. This gives them the illusion that something is speaking to them and since no one is physically present save themselves they have become convinced that 'gods' are talking to them. The Prathesth are rather unevolved compared to the rest of Epsillius 7's inhabitants."

"How do you think that came to be?"

"Years and years of in-breeding I'm afraid. The Scriptures of the Patho dictate that the priests are only allowed one mate in their lifetime but given their biological structure there is only a 1 in 10,000 chance of impregnation on a single attempt."

Tassell ask in bewilderment, "So they only get one shot at it?"

"Remember Tassell that the priests of Mignon are rather vicious creatures. Most if not all of them have, as you would say, performance anxieties when dealing with their mates. The Prathesth live 50-60 years before they're allowed a female and when they fail to perform after all that waiting and anticipation they become ravenous and kill the only mate they're allowed."

"So they..."

"Over the years they have learned to breed homosexually to keep the species thriving. You must remember that the Prathesth are largely isolated from the rest of the peoples of Epsillius 7. Add that to their need of procreation and a few thousand years of preparation and..."

"OK Lindimus. You're getting a little too heavy on the details. How am I supposed to not only find this secret chamber but infiltrate it too?"

"That is all so simple Tassell! Do you see me smiling at its simplicity?" Lindimus was indeed smiling. Tassell however was losing patience.

"Right then Tassell. Finding the Conteet will be simple because when the Prathesth enter the hypnotic state their own ill-tempered aspects are what fuel the Conteet into 'speaking' to them. This is of course why they think their gods so hateful. Quickly becoming a chicken and an egg is it not?" Tassell gives no response. "Right. Well, when the priests are hypnotized we will be able to hone in on the gem itself. Once we know its location we will feed you the coordinates and all you must do is fly directly above the area and use the mass shifter craft to push your body down into the room."

"How safe is the mass shifter?"

"It's worked a few times. With inanimate objects successfully thus far but it has worked a few times."

Commander Simon replaces Lindimus in the view screen.

"We need you on this one Tassell. You're the best man for the job and I wouldn't think to place it in any one else's hands."

"I'm not the first person to be offered this job am I commander?"

"You're the fourth. Emerichs and Jonavah declined outright and Duncan Stumat died two days ago at the siege of Ontaeurant."

"Commander you always know how to make me feel needed." the grey, stray cat's sarcasm was not belied by his cute, furry chin. "I'll do it but you owe me big."

"I owe you big already Lieutenant Tassell. Get this job done and there'll be metals aplenty for you."

"Metals I have commander; you know what I require."

"As you wish lieutenant. A thousand flits of ichaban fish flesh will be yours if you bring me the Conteet Gem."

"As you wish commander."

The video screen again went to a starry visage and the grey, stray cat began mentally preparing for his mission. He set his shuttle's auto flight coordinates to dock with the mass shifter hovering stealthily just outside Epsillius 7's orbit. Once the device is in sight he dons his Heptight space suit designed specifically for the harsh environment of the enemy's planet. Without this suit Tassell could not even walk the surface without being a cooked kitty. With his suit fastened snugly he applies the last piece of equipment in the form of a clear bubble for a helmet. When the bubble goes over his furry ears he remembers the family he once had and the members thereof who were ever affectionate and scratched his ears frequently. Tassell then remembers how that family was stricken from him by the evil Emperor Mignon all those years ago and his rage at remembrance completes his transformation into the feral warrior he now must be.

At the docking station for the mass shifter the cockpit of Tassell's ship detaches itself and floats gingerly across the gap of space while turning with tiny thrusters to position itself to proper docking alignment. He connects gracefully with the device and assumes command of the new craft.

The ceremonies in the hidden chamber have already begun and coordinates to the location are quickly fed into the grey, stray cat's console. With the pressing of several buttons Lieutenant Tassell is on his way through the rough atmospheric descent he had felt so many times in the past. This was not Tassell's first trip to the planet of the enemy but with each voyage there he holds a hope that it will be his last.

Tassell surveys the planet once he has broken the cloud cover and mentally thanks Lindimus for the invisibility capabilities of The Alliance's crafts as a flock of swoopeys flap past him. They are so close he could almost hear their bickering and aerial territorialities.

He looks away from them and can already see the capital of Yangslog in his sight. The capital was the only city allowed to dwell on Epsillius 7 due to the pride and insecurity of the planet's emperor. This of course is a terrible defense strategy and always a reminder to the feline enforcer of the race's stupidity.

The control panel began beeping at Tassell to alert the approach of his destination. The chamber lies to the western side of the capital which Tassell could not help but notice was in striking distance to the emperor's palace.

The craft begins to slow so Tassell initiates the automatic hovering function. Within moments the ship is floating directly above an imperfectly-square building which further proves the inability of the planet's architects to do anything but crude, uneven construction.

The lieutenant began to make his way through the back door of the cockpit to the shifting room. Inside a well-lit circle there is glittering on the floor accompanied by the humming of the gears as they work through their routines. Tassell's steps make a metallic clump as he sets foot in the circle. After performing one final check on his gloves to ensure his claws' freedom he is ready for the battle. Tassell lets out one final exhale before saying the password to the mass shifter: "Endocrine."

The grey, stray cat only sees streaks of light as his small, furry frame passes through the matter of what lays between him and his goal. The next thing he sees is the presence of at least 30 Prathesth all standing around watching as the trial priest is hypnotized while the rest still hold their cognizance. Tassell's immediate realization of the situation tells him that the priests would always start by hypnotizing one volunteer first to ensure that the gem would be speaking with them that Medaaba. Lindimus was too eager and sent the coordinates to Tassell before the coast was clear.

Upon the warrior cat's arrival into their midst all the priests' attention are drawn to the little cat in the space suit and all is quiet with confusion. Tassell can see the sparkling red gem high atop a pedestal in the center of the room and can hear the single hypnotized Prathesth moaning in hallucinogenic ecstasy. Unbeknown to Tassell but completely evident to the priests was the smile across the fierce feline's face at the prospects of battle.

The guards standing outside the locked chamber doors can hear nothing but the clanks of metal weapons and the hissing of what they think is an earth cat. Inside the battle is a searing bloodbath. Tassell leaps from one priest to another making quick work of them. At one moment he is hacking at their shins dropping them to the floor and the next he is mercilessly leaping in their faces clasping tightly with his claws. Ten more are slain by the time Tassell makes his way close enough to the Conteet to lunge at the pedestal and grab hold of the sacred gem. The priests freeze in fear once Tassell has the stone in his paws.

The lieutenant quickly opens a communication link to Lindimus to arrange a reversal mass shift back to his craft. "Get me out of here Lindimus. Now!"

"Um... sorry old chum but something has come up that I hadn't quite anticipated. The Conteet Gem is a very foreign object to our scientific reckoning and I can't get a fix on what it's made up of from up here."

"So what?! You shifted me down here based on the gem's location why can't you bring me back up with it?"

"Well I can't shift mass if I don't know what the mass is made up of. We acquired the Conteet's location because of the awareness placed in it by the Prathesth."

Commander Simon takes over the transmission. "Tassell! We've got a fleet of war ships headed your way. Get out of the building and we'll pick you up. Make it to the roof and we'll bring you home."

"Got it commander!"

Tassell leaps off the pedestal toward the wall of the chamber reaching it with only pouncing and bouncing off two priests' heads. With his claws extended he runs with the gem across the chamber and toward the door. The lieutenant draws small explosives from his belt's poaches facilitating his escape through the locked doors. After the explosion he is outside the chamber where the large, clumsy warriors of Epsillius 7 are no match for his speed and agility. Rushing through hallways, up stairs and frequently between the legs of the enemy and just outside of their grasp he is quickly on his way to the rooftop. Already he can hear the melee of The Alliance's fleet as they clear the area and await his arrival.

With only a single room left to scurry through Tassell thinks he is home free until he sees Emperor Mignon himself standing guard with a magnitude of armed soldiers between Tassell and the exit to the roof.

"Lieutenant Tassell we meet again."

"It would seem, your highness, you grow fatter and uglier by the day."

"I will have you made into violins for that you furry swine!"

"Perhaps another time emperor. But first a memento."

Tassell runs toward Mignon with full force darting to the left and to the right to avoid enemy fire. Within feet of Mignon Tassell bolts from the ground toward the emperor's face and were it not for Emperor Mignon's surprisingly fast reflexes, he is in fact rather obese, the grey, stray cat would have put an end to his rule then and there. But alas, Tassell must be content to settle for a future jagged scar from the gaping wound that now runs across the emperor's nose.

The airship's hanger doors already hang open as Tassell runs onto the roof. Smoke and gunfire are everywhere but all Tassell hears is the angry shouts of Mignon behind him. Laser blasts burn the rooftop as Mignon's servants begin pursuit though quickly they are in retreat once the Alliance ships open fire on them. Tassell runs at full speed leaping off the rooftop and into the awaiting aircraft. The ships rise from their hovering positions and at once are making their way back into orbit. One of The Alliance's soldiers is even kind enough to board Tassell's cockpit/mass shifter ship during the battle to retrieve it as well.

Back in orbit the Conteet Gem is given to its new protectors and Tassell sets foot onto his own trusted space craft once more. As soon as he has the helmet pulled off his furry head Commander Simon's face appears on Tassell's view screen.

"My god man excellent work!"

"For The Alliance commander. No thanks are necessary."

"Only payment eh Tassell?"

"Indeed sir."

They both laugh with relief; one with the joy of a completed mission and the other with a great strike under his command against the enemy. The commander knew that when the war ends this sort of victory is exactly the sort of thing that will guarantee him a planet of his own to rule one day. He only hopes that a cat like Tassell would accept a position in his empire.

"Well lieutenant it will take some time to assemble all the ichaban fish flesh we have promised you. What do you say to a fortnight's vacation with a return which will include your blessed reward?"

"Acceptable commander. Until then may the war fare well."

"You should strive to do the same lieutenant."

The screen is stars again and Tassell immediately presses the programmed button which will automatically fly him back to Earth. After curling himself into a ball on his favorite paper bag the grey, stray cat goes to sleep without even removing his space suit first.

On his way home from work the man can see a familiar grey cat standing in front of the door to his apartment waiting patiently for some food.

"Hey buddy. I haven't seen you in a few days. Where have you been?"

The grey, stray cat makes no reply per usual.

"Well I'm sure you're hungry. Hang out for a sec and I'll grab you something."

The cat trots out of the man's way as he steps toward the apartment door.

"Hope you had fun wherever you were."

Tassell thinks to himself, "I hope you'll stop with the chatter and get my food like a good servant, human."

The End
The Escalators Only Go Up

Jacob Marbles had decided it would be a kind gesture to buy the girl he'd been dating for several months something special even though he knew the glittens she was excessively fond of could only be found at the new Proud American Shopping Complex just outside town which since its construction was something he excessively loathed. He'd heard rumors about its vastness, snootiness, pretentious nature, etc. and since he hated shopping malls to start with he determined to himself that he would never set foot inside the polished interiors of the Proud American. The girl in question, however, thought very highly of him and Jacob was still at the point where he wanted to continually impress her. They had also started sleeping together recently. Each time Jacob thought about buying a gift for her he had to shake the idea from his mind that he was buying her a 'Thank you for sleeping with me' gift.

So there was Jacob at the Proud American one Saturday afternoon to brave the crowds, get in and get out. He'd found a parking spot easily enough by driving to the third level of the garage without even checking the availability on the lower levels. When he exited his car he'd even thought to himself "I'm sure it won't be as bad as I think it will be" but just after thinking that he observed his surroundings and saw complete emptiness. There was no other car or any other sounds on the third level of the parking garage save a distant echo of children's laughter. Jacob always thought of a child's laugh as being half sinister in nature anyway but even at the vast distance away that he was the laughter still made his skin crawl with eeriness. He double-checked his door to make sue it was locked and began his descent down the stairs.

He hadn't realized he had parked so far away from the entrance until sweat had begun to bead his forehead. It was a calm spring day; not too hot, not too cold. When he wiped his forehead he looked at his watch to see that he had been walking for twenty minutes and the mall's entrance was only then coming into his view. It gave Jacob some small sense of relief to finally see other patrons bustling to get into the entrance. The line was quite long which made Jacob question the possibility of some grand sale at one of the more popular stores.

Once he had finally gotten close enough to get in line Jacob could not help but feel dismayed at the wait he would be in for. The line ran deep and looked as though it spanned the distance of over one city block packed with impatience and harbored maliciousness among its denizens. He stood in line for a few minutes inadvertently listening to the cell phone conversations of those who stood around him until he decided to walk to the front of the line and try to figure out what the hold up was.

Jacob left the line without worry of losing his distanced spot and walked along side the thrall of people who waited for whatever reasoning their personal agendas entailed. Jacob finally got to the front entrance of the Proud American to see the head of the line spewing out of the automatic doors. Off to the side of these doors he saw a single set of manual doors that he guessed must be an employee entrance. He walked to the door to inspect it and found that it was labeled as Entrance. Jacob knew it could not be so simple. He studied the door from top to bottom while he kept an ever watchful eye on the masses slowly filing in through the automatic doors. He couldn't shake the feeling that he was doing something he should not be doing but not a single person as far as he could tell was even paying attention to him. Finally he raised his courage (or lowered his paranoia) and pulled the door with the anticipation of any number of calamities which would soon befall him. Nothing happened save for the door being ajar. Jacob was in disbelief that no one in the astoundingly long line had not just walked over and pulled open the door. He chose not to dwell on the question and simply proceeded inside to get his brief shopping trip over and done with.

The inside of the mall was massive in a way that made Jacob dizzy to think about. The stores around him for the most part looked excruciatingly similar and when his gazed turned up the levels of the structure seemed to go on forever. Throngs of peoples packed the mirrored hallways like some kind of LSD-inspired nightmarish maze. The crowd moved like blood cells through a vein under microscopic observation: all lumped into and around one another in chaotic unison. They conversed amongst themselves in small groups and each group stood out singularly as tiny pieces of a greater whole which was far too complex for any of the individual parts to comprehend. Jacob thought of them as amnesia-ridden ants that still retained their instincts for colonial behavior; all of them built with no purpose outside of themselves.

Jacob knew the store he searched for was a place called Primmed. He was desperate by that point to not get caught up in an all day shopping experience from Hell so he walked straight to the first escalator he could see from the entrance. At the foot of the escalator he saw an overweight woman in a zombie-like stare toward a kiosk's television screen with a baby stroller rocking back and forth clasped in one hand. What startled Jacob about this scene was when he saw that the baby wasn't a baby at all but an obese child who looked far too old to be in a stroller. He looked at least five and more of the child hung out of the sides of his cart than actually rested in the seat. It was almost as if the stroller was ready to buckle under the weight of the child which paid no attention whatsoever as it arbitrarily chewed on a melted candy bar. But what made Jacob uneasy more than any other aspect was the void look in the child's eyes. It, not he, stared at Jacob with eyes of indistinguishable color and of such emptiness that many a cold-hearted killer would be put to shame. He thought to himself, "Empty eyes, full mouth" and then Jacob bolted up the motorized stairs to the second floor as hastily as his legs would take him.

The second floor was not quite as clogged with shoppers and therefore was a bit more manageable than the first so Jacob walked over to the Mall Map to try and get a handle on his location and destination. No one else stood around the brightly lit contraption which further solidified Jacob's happiness with the choice of the second floor for a starting point. His momentary joy was stamped out just as quickly as it had presented itself, however, when he saw that the tall, cylindrical map was moving in an ever-spinning, maniacal revolution. He found himself doing circles to follow the map and felt very foolish from the effort. Not only did he continually bump into passers-by but with each collision he lost his place on the map and would have to start all over from the You Are Here arrow. After ten minutes of dizziness he gave up on the Mall Map and chose instead to ask someone for directions.

For the first time in Jacob's life he was in search for an authority figure to guide him in the proper direction. "Mall security has got to know something about where the stores are at in this place" he surmised and set off in search for a mace can wielding, unarmed officer. It did not take him long to find a guard who stood motionless as people walked past in droves. Jacob only saw the guard after a second glance because instead of the usual long-sleeved button up shirt covered in non-police issue patches he saw a man dressed in all black riot gear complete with what looked to Jacob like a fully automatic machine gun. Though his better senses told him not to do so, Jacob still walked over to the security guard to ask him for directions.

"Excuse me. I was wondering if you could help me find a store I'm looking for." Jacob asked as politely as he could.

"I'll help you to a ruptured spleen if you don't move along."

Jacob was taken aback by the guard's response but based on how heavily armed the man was Jacob decided not to press the issue and find the store himself. As he walked away from the mall cop he overheard the guard's radio go off in his helmet. Jacob couldn't hear what the person on the other end had said because of the thickness of the helmet and the clear shield over the guard's face but whatever had been said made the guard seem very happy.

"I'll be right over with the cattle prod." the guard said with a gleeful smile on his face and then he disappeared into the crowd.

Jacob walked for what felt like hours in search of Primmed but he had no luck finding the store. He had even decided to brave the third floor and found the nearest set of benches he could once he had gotten off of the escalator.

While Jacob sat on the bench resting he couldn't help but do a little people watching since he was, after all, there alone and had no one else to talk to. He noticed straight away that he was one of the oldest people within his view and even though he was only 26 this still made him feel too old.

Most of the teenagers walked around with the rehashed fashion style from 25 years earlier but with a slight twist dictated by last season's fads. They all looked smug and overly arrogant to Jacob and even though he'd told himself to not think negatively of others without knowing them he assured himself that these teens were in fact smug and overly arrogant. They had the pride that only a parent's money could buy and Jacob would not have been surprised if most of them carried enough in credit cards to pay his annual salary and then some. Such importance was placed on them to fit in to a common shape that there were even several people walking about with empty shopping bags from upscale stores simply to look as though they had purchased something at one of them.

Jacob tried to take his mind off the troubles he had caused himself by thinking too much of the teenagers by looking for something humorous within the crowd. He searched high and low for the elderly mall walkers who could be found at any mall, big or small, as they rhythmically threw their arms in the air to show to all their clasped 3lb weights. Jacob very much liked their track/warm-up suits; each ensemble had surely been put together the better part of a decade before and had seen many youngsters shoved, beaten and thrown to the floor by their ever-determined owners. A smile crossed Jacob's face just thinking about their out-dated am/fm headphones but when he finally stopped reminiscing about good times passed he noticed there wasn't a single elderly power walker in sight. In dismay he resorted to the lowest form of people watching humor: the motorized cart. Each time Jacob thought of motorized carts he remembered the time as a teen himself when his friends put him up to asking the overweight driver of a cart if they were diabetic or just too fat to walk. His cruelty was repaid with knowledge from the driver that she was a terminally ill cancer patient and was unable to walk due to her chemo therapy. That was the last time Jacob let himself be put up to youthful cruelty and he thought that at that very moment all the frogs of the world must have rejoiced. Again Jacob sought out the drivers of cart but again he found nothing. Saddened, Jacob got up from the bench and moved on.

Jacob walked the third floor still reasonably hopeful that at some point Primmed would come into view but more and more he felt lost and trapped inside the monster known as the Proud American Shopping Complex. The levels were divided in a nonsensical fashion filled with twists and turns that seemed to be designed with disorientation in mind in an attempt to make consumers vulnerable enough to spend more money. The thought crossed Jacob's mind that perhaps the architects simply thought that if mass hysteria was created then people would just start making purchases to acquire a sense of accomplishment and then begin the search for an exit. In either case Jacob was getting nowhere and it was taking him a great deal of time to do so. At the escalator to the fourth floor he checked his watch and saw he had been there for over three hours but still up he went.

On the fourth floor Jacob noticed that the majority of the shoppers were dressed in more expensive clothing which gave him some hope that he was indeed on the right track. Primmed was by no means an upscale establishment but they did cater to middle to upper-middle class clientele. But it was on the fourth floor that Jacob had begun to see signs in the storefronts which brought him odd feelings of despair. One store had a sign warning that they applied a cover charge for their customers while another had a line extending across several other store fronts because of its exclusivity. There was a bouncer at the head of the line which chose who was worthy and/or trendy enough to get in and who was not. For the most part he saw young girls who giggled to one another as a form of dialogue and Jacob even watched one young man for five minutes straight as he relentlessly texted to unknown people without looking up for a single glance. Jacob could not help but think that the young man was texting to no one.

Jacob was relieved to find a restroom but was enraged when he was turned away for not wearing a tie or even having a shirt with buttons. With that Jacob knew the fourth floor was not for him so he searched for the escalators to try his luck a second time on the third floor. He looked for ten minutes for a down escalator but only found four sets of escalators that went up to the fifth floor. By that point his bladder was in control and he could see a restroom couple sign on the fifth floor. The morning coffee that eagerly wanted release caused Jacob to make careful haste up the escalator to the restroom and the sweet relief it entailed.

Inside the sanitized, tile domicile he paid little attention to his surroundings except, of course, for the urinal. After what felt like one of the more relief-inducing pees of Jacob's life he flushed the urinal and walked to the sink to wash his hands. He hadn't quite reached the hand soap when the noise from the urinal flush ceased and in the silence Jacob heard what sounded like sobbing from the last stall. Against his better judgment Jacob slowly walked down the line of closed doors to the sound of a grown man crying. Jacob knocked on the last stall door lightly and received a tear-filled, tender "Come in." from the other side.

When Jacob opened the door he saw a janitor sitting on the toilet with a bottle of scotch in his hand. The bottle was half empty and it looked as though he had been at his tearful drinking for hours in that lonely bathroom stall.

"Are you all right buddy?"

"Mmmmm no! Does it look like I'm all right?" The janitor seemed crazed but harmless at the same time. He offered Jacob the bottle in his hand to which he silently declined.

"What are you doing in here?"

"I'm drinking. There's nowhere else for me."

"Is it a good idea to be drinking on the job? I mean, you work with chemicals and whatnot."

"This isn't work," he said as he pulled at his uniform, "this is my life. You can quit a job but this is forever!" The janitor again offered Jacob his bottle of scotch after taking a long pull from it himself. The janitor pressed the bottle so close to Jacob's face that he realized it contained a clear liquid instead of the brownish color of scotch. It also emitted an odor Jacob was familiar with but could not readily place. Jacob respectfully declined the janitor's offer a second time.

"Say, you wouldn't know where Primmed is would you?"

"They took everything from me. I don't know anything anymore." he said with a glassy look in his eyes and an attitude that made Jacob plot an escape route should he need one.

"I want to go back to the fourth floor." Jacob said as he tried to turn the conversation casually away from where it was. "You know, start making my way back down. Where might I..."

The janitor sprung up to his feet and raised his voice, "You can't go down! Don't you see?! The escalators only go up!" he had begun to pull at Jacob's clothing and was close enough for Jacob to realize that the smell on the janitor's breath was bleach. He quickly fled from the terrifying scene in the bathroom and jumped on the escalator to the sixth floor.

Jacob lost himself for hours on the sixth floor while he searched for an escalator to take him back down. It seemed that every storefront was a mirror advertising a reflection of oneself rather than any consumer goods they could be offering. While he walked he could hear echoes of children at play reminiscent of those he had heard in the parking garage just before he had entered the vile behemoth known as the Proud American Shopping Complex. Fewer and fewer people populated the labyrinth of stores and for a moment Jacob thought it had reached closing time for the mall. He grew excited at the prospect of being ushered to the exit by security and sat on a bench eagerly awaiting his escorted removal. He waited for two hours with no stores locking their doors. Jacob waited another hour until the smell of burning wood entered his nose. He looked around to see shoppers gathered around garbage can fires telling tales of the lives they lived before becoming lost in the mall. In dismay Jacob took the escalator to the seventh floor.

There were no consumers occupying the seventh floor. All was quiet there. The only stores he could see were all named Otelé. Jacob thought that even if these stores were what they sounded like he could never relax enough to sleep there. Somewhere in his mind he knew that sleeping in the mall for the first time was a threshold that once crossed he would never come back from. He knew that one, solitary surrender was all that separated him from the rest of the inhabitants of the mall. Jacob found the escalator to the eighth floor and marched up them.

On the eighth floor the echoes of the children had become chants. As Jacob walked the empty, darkened hallways he caught glimpses of fire light flickering on the walls as the chanting grew ever louder. He walked toward the prepubescent, crazed chanting no longer concerned with his safety or what may lay ahead of him. Jacob was weary from the mall and lack of sleep and he wanted nothing more than to escape this prison of consumerism. At last he saw a tribe of children as they ritualistically danced around a mammoth fire. They had faces painted with designer cosmetics and wore the shredded remains of adult's clothing torn to fit their tiny bodies. They carried spears made from broken handrails and poles that had once held the roofs of kiosks in place. The spears were tipped with everything from broken glass to mascara applicators.

The dancing stopped which caused Jacob's preservation instincts to return to him and he took cover behind a column. The children gathered around what looked to be their leader, a portly lad of around twelve that spoke in an indecipherable language except for the cultural references he made as part of his lingo. Jacob saw no good that would come of his eavesdropping so quietly he left the tribal meeting and made his way up to the ninth floor.

The ninth floor was just as desolate as the eighth unless skeletal remains could be counted as people. All of the deceased were in various states of decomposition though the hallways still held their cosmetic counter-scented allure. It surprised Jacob how unsurprised he was to find human remains lying around him. He was even more surprised that he hadn't been finding bodies sooner. While he grew more and more at ease with their presence Jacob began to look at them instead of just peripheral glances. He had begun to notice that many of the corpses had signs hung around their necks; crudely hand painted signs that looked as though a toddler had been given the task of painting them with finger paints. The signs read things like: 'Shoplifter, screamed' and 'Cash drawer thief, peer'. Jacob also noticed that many of these bodies were in some way mutilated with missing fingers, cracked skulls, lacerated bodies, etc.

Once Jacob was familiar with all the corpses decorating the hallways he noticed that the ninth floor actually had stores that looked operational in some capacity though all of them were toy stores that had not been shopped or worked in for quite some time. One of the stores even had a spray painted title over the original which read Hall of Criminals. Jacob chuckled at the absurd thought that at last he may find Primmed among this carnage. It would seem, however, that Jacob chuckled louder than he had meant to and once he had stopped he realized that his presence had started some form of commotion at the other end of the floor. It was not long before he saw flashlight beams growing larger as the people who held them drew closer. Jacob turned to run but all he could see was the escalator he arrived on twenty paces behind him. He had not made it far enough into the floor to find another set of escalators that went up and this left him with nowhere to hide but amongst the dead.

A group of riot gear clad security guards slowed their march once they had reached the Hall of Criminals. Without a word between them the security guards started poking the bodies with their batons somehow familiar with this game of hiding. Jacob was startled by the sounds of the guards as they shot the bodies but fortunately none of them were near enough to him when it happened and did not detect his living presence. Finally the men had come to the section of corpses where Jacob hid and one of them even stopped to read the sign around Jacob's neck: 'Running, cryed and peed and pooped'.

"I've got something here." the security guard grumbled and Jacob thought he may just get the chance to live up to his sign's description.

"Is that how you spell 'cryed'?"

"Johnson, get over here." came the barked orders of another guard as more and more of them congregated around Jacob. "Damn it Johnson. Who taught you how to spell?"

Before Johnson could reply a fountain drink bounced off his head and was immediately followed by the war cry of voices so young they had not even begun to deepen. An army of children with malice in their hearts and their eyes descended upon the guards and all out battle followed. Kids jabbed spears underneath Kevlar vests, guards shot tasers at seven year olds and Jacob decided it a good time to sneak away.

Jacob dove into the first shop he could find with unlocked doors: Happy Go Kids Land. He walked straight for the Jr. Action/Adventure Kids sets and pulled two Jr. Action/Adventure Repelling sets from the shelf. He pulled the packages apart savagely and sat in the floor where he merged them together. Once finished Jacob marched over to the Inflatable Toy Fun Land! section and inflated a padded trampoline. He then walked to the back of the store but stopped briefly to listen to the fracas one final time. Jacob shook his head and walked into the Happy Employees Only! room.

The Happy Employees Only! room looked as though it had been ransacked by zombies. A light fixture barely clung to the ceiling and periodically threw sparks, food and various other chunks of filth were plastered on the wall and there were even a few dead animals littered about. Jacob lifted a chair and hurled it through the window. For the first time in his life it felt like he truly breathed in the world outside. He tied one end of his rope to a column in the break room and gladly crawled out of the window. Once he had exhausted his rope supply on the way down he dropped the trampoline to the ground and released himself onto it. There was about fifteen feet to fall and while the first bounce was exceptionally frightful Jacob finally bounced himself to a standstill and hopped off onto the pavement.

Jacob slept for an entire day when he had finally made it home. Once he awoke he took an hour-long shower and made himself the largest breakfast he had ever eaten. After his meal he checked his phone messages to find the girl he'd gone to the mall for had left him several voicemails. Jacob called her and told her in its entirety the events of the previous day. He told her about the glittens, the escalators, the janitor and the bleach, the children's war with the security guards and every other minute detail he could recall along the way. He had even told her about his daring escape down nine stories and the freedom he had felt on that final bounce off the trampoline. Jacob then told her that he felt like a new man because to all that had happened to him. He told her of the revelations he had experienced through his ordeal and how from then on he would lead his life differently. He told her that even though it was the worst day of his life that he would learn his lessons from what he went through that day and use it for his betterment.

She replied, "So you're telling me you didn't get the glittens?"

The End
The Spider and His Web

There once was a spider who was so young that he'd never built his own web. He had finally learned through a great deal of practice how to make the silk required for building his own web but as of yet he had not had the courage to construct it. The spider spent such a long time learning how to properly roll the silk in his legs as he produced it so that he could make endless strands of webbing but he could never quite decide how his web should look.

One day the spider became so frustrated at his inability to build his own web that he gave up figuring it out by himself and went to ask other spiders what he should do. He walked through the forest until he began to see other spiders' webs. They all looked so lovely with their elaborate designs and they were so big that the spider wondered if he would ever be able to build something like them. The webs seemed to be perfectly placed in the trees and they all seemed to be just the right size and shape.

The spider looked at the other webs for a long time before deciding to ask one of the web's builders what the secret was to making something so profound. He thought for quite a while about what he should say and how he should ask for the other spider's help. More than anything he hoped that the spider he spoke with would be kind enough to aid him in building his web.

The spider finally climbed up one of the trees and began making his way to the web that he thought looked better by far than all the others. Once he came to the loveliest of all the webs the spider could see even more beauty in the detail that was put into building this particular web. The web looked as though it had taken a lifetime to build and could withstand any storm or threat that the forest could offer. He thought to himself that this web was strong enough to hold anything.

The spider lifted one hand and pulled at the web to announce his presence to the owner of such beauty. Within moments a large, old spider appeared and saw that it was another spider that had disturbed the peace of his web. The old spider lumbered down his web and approached the young spider.

"What is it you want?" asked the older spider.

The young spider grew even more nervous after hearing the older spider's booming voice. "I am very sorry to disturb you sir but I cannot seem to build a web of my own. I came here because I saw so many webs and I came to your web because it was the greatest of all the webs here. I was wondering, sir, if you would be so kind as to let me know what I can do to build a web of my own."

The older spider thought to himself about how he could help the younger spider. "Can you not make silk? Is that the problem you are having? You cannot make silk for the web?"

"Oh no sir," said the young spider, "I can make the thickest and shiniest silk you ever did see. I just cannot figure out what to do with the strands of silk once I have them."

The old spider thought for another moment. He thought about how he was the envy of all the other spiders he knew because his web truly was the best web of all for as far as the eye could see. He thought that if this young spider built a web anywhere near his own that perhaps all the other spiders would not think that the older spider's web was the most beautiful anymore. "I think the problem you have is not how to build a web but where to build it."

The young spider was so happy because he thought the older spider was genuinely being helpful to him. "Oh please sir, tell me where I should build my web."

"Well young one, you should go as far away from here as you can to build your web."

"But this is my home." the young spider said with fear in his voice. "I've never left this place before. Everyone I know lives here and I'm frightened to be alone."

"Leaving this place to find another is the solution to your problem. There is no other way. You asked me to help you and this is the advice that will help you build your web."

"Do you really think this is what I should do?"

"Oh yes young one. You should leave this minute and find a new place to build your home."

The spider trusted all that the older spider said and set off that very day to find a new place in which to build his web.

Through unknown places the spider walked in search of a place to build his web. He walked and walked but there wasn't one place that felt right to him. The further away he walked the more he missed his home. He missed the other spiders and the creatures of the forest who he called friends. He missed the familiarity of everything he knew; the trees and the plants and the stones that were always as they always were. In his loneliness he found other webs and pulled at them just as he had pulled at the older spider's web but very few spiders answered him and the few that did were not kind to the spider. They would be angry at him for disturbing their slumber or they would simply tell him to go away.

"I only want to know where I should build my web." he would tell them but still they refused to be of any help to the spider. He wished that the other spiders were as kind as the older spider had been but he never found one who was.

All alone the spider kept walking through the woods and all alone he searched everywhere to build his web but could find nothing. He didn't want to build it on the ground because he thought that someone would step on it. He didn't want to build it in the trees because he was afraid that a strong wind would blow it away. He didn't want to build it under a stone because he simply didn't want to live under a rock. It seemed like there was something wrong with every place the spider looked to build his web so he kept walking further away from his home in search of the perfect place for his web to be built.

The spider continued to walk as the sun fell letting the forest be cast in darkness. He stopped for a moment to rest his tired legs and during this rest he began to feel a presence near him. Something was watching the spider and he knew it.

"I know you are there." he said in the most intimidating voice he could muster. "Come out and speak to me so I know that you are a friend."

The spider heard tiny footsteps and turned to see a small mouse looking at him. The spider asked, "Why are you watching me?"

"I was only making sure you weren't going to try to hurt me."

"Why would I ever do something like that?" the spider asked.

"There are many who search for mice in the night wishing them harm. Cats and snakes are just two of many types creatures that would certainly like to find me and they always seem to look for me when it is dark."

"Well I'm not either of those things so you can feel safe with me."

"What is it that you're doing here little spider?" the mouse asked with true curiosity.

"I'm looking for a place to build my web. Do you know anywhere I might build one?"

"I don't know anything about building webs. I'm sorry I can't be of help but I spend most of my time hiding from those who would do me harm and I don't have time to learn about things such as building webs."

"Have you ever tried digging a hole in the ground to hide yourself?"

The mouse thought to himself for a moment and a smile stretched across his face. "That is a great idea! It wouldn't help me against everything but it would certainly make my life easier. Thank you so much little spider. You have been a great help to me."

It made the spider happy to help another creature of the forest. "You are very welcome little mouse."

"I just wish I could be of more help to you with building your web."

"It's OK I'll figure it all out soon enough."

And with that the mouse started digging a hole in the ground and the spider set off to look for a place in which to build his web. Before the spider had left the mouse's sight he already had a hole dug for himself and already the mouse felt much safer.

The spider kept walking through the woods continuing on until the early hours of the morning when the sun had not quite risen but was not far away from the sky. As he walked he began to hear a frog croaking off in the distance. The spider decided to walk toward the frog because maybe the frog could tell him the best place to build a web.

He followed the voice of the frog and it grew louder and louder as the spider grew closer and closer. The spider finally reached the frog and noticed immediately that the frog as nowhere near any water.

"Hello there Mr. Frog, how are you today?"

"I'm afraid I am not doing so well Mr. Spider. You see, I began hopping across the pond where I live and it felt so good to be hopping through the air that I didn't stop. I hopped and I hopped letting the breeze roll across my stomach and it felt so good to be able to hop that I didn't notice where I was hopping to. Before I knew it I had hopped away from my pond and now I am lost. Soon the sun will rise and when it does it will cook me if I have no water to swim in."

"That's quite a dilemma Mr. Frog."

"Yes it is Mr. Spider. What ever shall I do?"

Without hesitation the spider answered, "Well that's easy Mr. Frog. You simply need to stop croaking for a while. Surely the other frogs in your pond have noticed that you are missing and they are croaking for you to return. You see, you can't hear their voices over your own."

With pain in his voice the frog asked, "But why won't they come and look for me? Don't they know what will happen if I'm gone too long?"

"Maybe they are afraid of getting lost themselves while searching for you. If they did then the sun would cook them as well."

The frog cringed at the thought of his friends being in the same situation that he was in. He didn't want any of the other frogs to be afraid like he was so the frog stopped talking and he stopped croaking and began to listen to the air for the croaking of the other frogs from the pond. In no time the frog's face grew bright as the morning sun.

"I can hear them! I can hear the other frogs croaking to me! Oh thank you Mr. Spider, thank you so much! Is there anything I can do to repay you?"

"Do you know anything about where to build webs?"

The frog answered, "I swim in the water all day and the water is no place for a web to be. I'm afraid that is all I know about where webs should be built."

"That's OK Mr. Frog. I'll figure it all out soon enough."

The spider didn't seem disappointed at all about the frog's lack of knowledge concerning webs. He was so happy with himself for helping the frog that he couldn't feel bad about anything.

"Well I best be off Mr. Spider. Thanks again for your help."

As the spider was about to say, "You're welcome Mr. Frog." the frog was already hopping off to return to his pond.

The sun had risen and the spider was still walking and still he had no luck finding a place to build his web. He walked and walked but when he began to hear the flow of water he remembered the frog and how good it felt to help him so he began to walk toward the water because it was just as good a direction to be walking as any.

When the spider reached the stream he saw a family of beavers trying to build a dam. There was a mother beaver, a father beaver and a daughter beaver all trying to build a dam but the current was much too strong for the dam to be built. Every time they placed a stick of wood in the water the stick washed away so quickly that they were always starting their work over again. With each stick of wood that washed away the family of beavers grew sadder and sadder.

The spider walked over to the bank of the stream and called out, "Hello beavers. Having trouble building your dam?"

The beavers stopped what they were doing and looked at one another. None of them had spoken to a spider before and had always thought that beavers and spiders had nothing to say to one another. They spoke amongst themselves and determined that no harm could be done by being pleasant to a spider who seemed friendly enough.

The beavers swam over to the spider and the father beaver asked, "What are you doing here spider?"

The spider replied, "I am searching for a place to build my web and as I walked I heard the sound of the stream flowing so I followed the sound here."

The mother beaver said, "Well I suppose we have that in common."

"What's that mother?" the daughter beaver asked.

"We're all trying to build something."

"Yes," said the spider, "but it would seem that you've found a place to build your dam where I am yet to find a place to build my web."

The father beaver said sadly, "We have found a place to build our dam that much is for certain. The problem is the stream flows too strongly for us to affect its flow. Each time we begin to build our dam it is instantly destroyed. Whatever are we to do?"

"Don't be sad father," consoled the daughter beaver, "we will get the dam built." "Why is it you wish to build your dam here?" asked the spider.

The mother beaver answered, "There is a tree full of delicious fruit just over there and we do so love delicious fruit."

The spider could see the tree she meant and it was so very close indeed. The spider could only say, "That fruit does indeed look delicious even from here." "Indeed." said the father. "We tasted the fruit and knew straight away that we had to be nearby so we could eat the fruit as often as we wished."

"So if the three of you lived near the tree you would always eat the fruit?"

"Oh yes. We would always eat the fruit." replied the mother beaver.

"But if you always ate the fruit wouldn't you get tired of eating it?"

All the beavers looked confused. The daughter beaver was the first to respond. "Get tired of the fruit? How could anyone ever get tired of fruit that is so delicious?"

The spider replied, "If you always ate the fruit then it would become boring over time. There are only so many ways to prepare fruit even if it is as tasty as you say it is."

The beavers all looked to one another and the mother beaver said, "He's right you know. We would be tired of the fruit within a week if that was all we ate."

"What are we to do then?" asked the father beaver.

"Maybe you should follow the stream until you found a part small enough to properly build a dam. You may have to walk a little further for the fruit but the further you walked for it the more rewarding the fruit would be."

"And the better it would taste." the daughter beaver said gleefully.

The father beaver asked his family, "Is this what we should do? Go to another part of the stream that will better accommodate our dam but make us walk further for the delicious fruit?"

"I think the spider is right." answered the mother beaver.

"Daughter, what do you think?"

"I say we go upstream father."

"Then it is settled. We will go upstream to build our dam." The father beaver then turned to the spider. "Thank you for your help spider. You are wise beyond your years. If there is something we can do to repay you please let us know."

"Do you know anything of building spider webs?" the spider asked.

"We know only of building dams with sticks of wood. The silk of webs is much too delicate for us to use."

The daughter beaver smiled and said, "We do enjoy chewing the wood for our dams so much. Silk only sticks to your teeth if you bite it."

The mother beaver felt bad for not being able to help but she did think of something they could do for the spider. "We cannot help you in building your web but perhaps we could take you across the stream to ease your journey."

The spider was made happy with this offer and said, "I would be delighted with the help that you offer me. It is OK that you can't help with my web. I'll figure it all out soon enough."

The spider climbed on the mother beaver's back and the four of them swam easily across the stream. Once the other side was reached they said their goodbyes and the spider began searching once again for a place to build his web.

The day began to turn into night once again but the spider still hadn't found a place to build his web. As dusk set in the air changed to a grey color and again the spider could feel a presence near him. From out of nowhere a great wolf jumped in front of the spider growling and showing his teeth.

The spider was very frightened by the wolf but he surprised himself by saying, "Why are you growling at me? What could a small spider like me do to a great big wolf like you?"

The wolf stopped growling and said apologetically, "I'm sorry. Oh my I am so sorry. I did not mean to startle you but I am in a very bad way at the moment."

Still frightened the spider asked, "What seems to be the problem?"

Sorrowfully the wolf began, "I have no moon in which to howl at. For weeks I have been unable to see the sky because of all these trees. When it is warm the trees grow so many leaves that they block out the sky."

"Can you not climb the trees to peer out the top of them?" the spider fearfully asked.

"Like you I may be young but I am so big I can't climb up the trees. I have tried but no tree's branches hold me for long before they snap. After falling to the ground several times I became very angry and I stopped trying. Now I have been walking the woods endlessly. It has been so long since I have gazed upon the moon that I cannot think properly. Is it asking too much for me to be able to see the moon that hangs in the sky for all to see?"

"What if you found a place where there were no trees?"

"But then I would no longer be in the forest." replied the wolf. "If I had no trees around me what would I stalk through?" The wolf then lay on his stomach looking as though the weight of his dilemma was pulling him down to the ground.

"So you can't see the moon because of the leaves of the trees?"

"That is correct."

"And you must stay near the trees so that you remain in the forest?"

The wolf answered, "Do you see now why I feel the way I do? The very thing I need to be near is keeping me from howling at the moon which is also a need of mine."

The spider thought for a long while about the wolf's problem before an idea came to him. "What if you found a stream of water?"

"How would a stream of water help me?" the wolf asked angrily. "All day long I drink from streams and know the locations of many beds of water but they do no more than quench my thirst."

The spider spoke calmly to ease the wolf's anger, "You drink from the streams all day long and I am sure you even drink from them at night as well. Have you ever drank from a stream at night and looked up when you have had your fill of water?" The wolf began to think about the spider's words. "If you were to look up you would see the moon. Trees do not grow from rivers and streams they grow around them."

The wolf's eyes suddenly grew large and he leapt to his feet. No sooner than the wolf was standing he was running in the direction that the spider had just come from toward the stream where the beavers were trying to build their dam. The spider stood in place not knowing what to think of the thankless wolf but as he finally turned to walk away he heard the howl of the wolf ringing through the trees.

The spider smiled and said to himself, "Oh well. What does a wolf know about where to build a spider web anyway? I'll figure it all out soon enough." And off the spider went.

The spider walked throughout the night without resting he was so determined to find the perfect place to build his web. He walked over stones and over grass, over plants and over dirt but as the sun was rising further and further into the sky he grew so weary that he finally stopped to rest. He rested for much longer than he had intended and before he knew it the noonday sun hung high in the air.

In the bright sun and with a bit of rest the spider could once again see his surroundings much more clearly. The spider looked around where he stood and realized that he was a short distance away from the entrance to a cave.

"Well I've searched all over the forest to no avail so maybe I should look in the cave." the spider said to himself.

Even though the sun shone brightly outside once inside the cave the spider saw nothing but darkness. Further still he walked until he began to hear frustrated breathing coming from someone that the spider knew was even bigger than the wolf. The spider worked up the courage to confront whatever it was that was breathing inside the cave knowing that he had come too far to turn back now. On and on he walked until finally the spider came across the bear that was the source of the heavy breathes.

The bear was lying down but he was not sleeping. Instead the bear tossed and turned frantically trying to go to sleep but failing to do so.

"Um, hello?" the spider asked into the darkness.

The bear bolted out of his bed and with a fierce roar replied, "What?! Can't you see I am trying to hibernate?"

This confused the spider. "But don't bears hibernate in the winter?" he asked from the hiding spot he had found.

"Of course bears hibernate in the winter! I am a bear you know and I should know these things better than you." the bear said gruffly. "Bears always sleep through the winter but I hate the summer greatly. It is so hot and there are so many bugs. You're a bug aren't you? Even in my den you haunt me! Can't you just leave me alone?"

"I am not a bug I'm a spider."

"What's the difference? You're both small and annoying. Now leave me alone so I can hibernate away from all you pests."

"But what about all the good things this time of year has to offer? Summer breezes and summer rains and everything is so alive in the summer. Would you be willing to miss all that? I think all you need is a nap."

"What?!" roared the bear.

"A nap is what you need not hibernation. You get so used to sleeping for such a long time in the winter that it must be terribly hard to sleep for any great length of time since you have already slept so much. Naps on the other hand can be so refreshing and it isn't hard at all to only take a nap. You will wake up feeling so good that the bugs and the heat won't bother you anymore and you can enjoy the forest in the summertime."

The bear was quiet for a time but then he asked, "You're a bug aren't you? You're trying to play some kind of bug trick on me. Admit it you bug you."

"I am only a spider. Sorry to disappoint you but that is truly what I am." the spider calmly replied.

"If you're not trying to trick me then what is it that you want?"

"I want to find a place to build a web. I thought your cave may be a good spot so I came in to look around and here I am speaking with you."

Again the bear was silent. "You are sure that you're not a bug?"

"Very sure."

"A gnat maybe?"

"I am a spider through and through."

"Fine then, I believe you. If you wish you may build your web in here but do it quietly. I'm going to try to take a nap." and with a giant crash the bear laid down once more.

The spider was ecstatic. "I can really build my web in here?!"

With another roar the bear answered, "Yes but do it quietly!"

The spider did not know what to say he was so excited but he managed to begin speaking anyway. "Oh I am so grateful that you would..."

"Quiet!" the bear roared.

The spider began to silently spin his silk on the very spot in which he stood. He produced his webbing with such enthusiasm and such speed that he even amazed himself. He stuck the ends of the silk to the stone wall and then he started to spin more. For hours he toiled away at his web as the bear tossed and turned still unable to sleep.

The spider worked on spinning web and sticking it to the stone but something just wasn't right. No matter what the spider did with his webbing he was still unable to build a web that satisfied him. He kept working for more hours still but nothing satisfactory came out of all his work. Finally he was so tired from spinning his web and so weary of his work producing no results that he ripped all the silk down from the cave walls.

In frustration the spider walked outside of the cave to breathe the fresh air of the forest. The sun had left the sky but the night air was just as refreshing to him. The spider felt so sad that it seemed as though he would never have a proper web to call his own. His head hung low and he did not know what to do next.

As he looked at the ground the spider could hear the flapping of massive wings. He looked up to see the largest owl he had ever seen perched on top of the cave's entrance.

"Why so sad little spider?" she asked in a soft, caring voice.

"I can't build a web. I have tried and I have tried but I just cannot do it. I went to another spider and he told me to go find a place to build my web far away from where he had built his own. I left my home which I have never been far away from and have walked through the forest for so long looking for a place to build my web. I have met many of the forest's creatures along the way and I have been very helpful to each of them but it would seem I am of no help to myself." The spider was filled with such sadness that he could only hold his head up when he was speaking to the owl and that was only because she was perched so high above him.

The owl pondered the spider's dilemma and spoke wisely as owls always do. "Perhaps you should listen to your own advice little spider."

The spider looked up at the owl once more as she flew away into the night.

He then began to think back on his experiences from the last few days. Like the mouse he thought too much on his problem so he cleared his mind completely of his inability to properly build a web. Like the frog the spider kept trying a solution to his problem that wasn't working so he looked at the problem in a new way and decided that where the web was built was not important much like where the beavers built their dam was not important; the fruit was the important thing. The spider began to see that he was overlooking the answer to his dilemma much like the wolf was overlooking his answer and could not find the moon because he simply was not looking up. The solution had been right in front of the spider the whole time and he just hadn't realized it. Instead he was trying too hard just like the bear was trying too hard to hibernate when he should have been trying to take a nap.

Straight away the spider climbed the nearest tree and began again to build his web. He gracefully wove his silk and easily the strands stuck to the tree's branches where he stood. Strand connected to strand as though they wished more than anything to be placed in the way in which they were being placed. The spider added more and more webbing diligently working throughout the night until the morning sun cast rainbows through the dew drops that hung tightly to the spider's first finished web.

Although this web would more than likely not be the last that the spider ever built he now knew that having to start all over again was not always such a bad thing. The spider also realized that where he built his web didn't matter because one tree was just as good as any other. The spider always thought so hard about how he would build his web that he never really started building it because he could never figure out exactly how to finish it. All he really had to do was stop thinking about building a web and start building it to see what it would become.

He thought about the old spider with his beautiful web and realized that it must have been the only web the old spider had ever built. It was as beautiful as it was because he had worked on it for his whole life. The young spider laid snugly in his new web listening to the bear's snores echoing from the cave all the while thinking to himself that he'd rather build a thousand new webs than to build only one over the course of his life. The spider lay in his new web and could not help thinking about starting his next one.

The End
The Man Who Died and Went to Venus

1

Cuddy Adams laid on his deathbed and tried to convince himself that he was still alive even as a priest absentmindedly read his final rights. At first Cuddy couldn't believe that all the people who stood around him could be fooled in such a unified manner but Cuddy soon realized that he was in fact dead when his essence left his body and had begun to float toward the ceiling. Just before he vertically exited the room he looked down for one last glimpse of his family and saw that Father McMannis had allowed his biblical recital to trail off preoccupied as he was with Cuddy's granddaughter's teenaged breasts. By the time he exited the roof of the hospital Cuddy's anger toward the priest had subsided and his thoughts consisted of the heavenly afterlife that awaited his weightless spirit. While cherubs and St. Peters danced merrily through his daydreams a large spacecraft flew through Cuddy at a speed much greater than conventional physics would allow. Cuddy passed through the ship's cockpit and into the rear of the vessel where an odd, inescapable room waited for him.

"What the hell is this?" Cuddy demanded to no one because he was alone. "Wonderful. First I die and now this."

Just when Cuddy thought things couldn't get much worse in walked a Venusian crewman named Kqueet. Kqueet stood at a slouched six feet and seven inches, by Cuddy's guess, and looked as though he could have weighed eight hundred pounds. He was humanoid in form but that was where the similarities ended. His face was a flattened monstrosity of jutting teeth and a wide nose which held five nostrils that stretched across his skull like a sinister mustache. His flesh was ragged from overexposure to the elements, his movements and speech were lumbered and Cuddy could not help but note that Kqueet had a drool control problem that would put medicated psychopaths the world over to shame.

"Who the hell are you and where the hell are you taking me?" he demanded. Though Cuddy was frightened of the behemoth before him he still held the mentality of indestructibility found prevalently amongst the newly deceased.

"(shrrppp) I am Kqueet, a member of the crew piloting the Espau 47. I have (shrrppp) been elected to tend to our catches for the day and ease their journey." he spoke slowly and calmly so that he could, with casual ease, collect his spittle; a well-practiced trait among the Venusians.

"Where are we going and what exactly is an espau?"

"We go to the planet you know as Venus."

"You're taking me to Venus?! Why are you taking me to Venus?" Cuddy wondered if his drug-addled nephew had slipped something into his I.V.

"An (shrrppp) espau is a subterranean rodent which gathers teincants (shrrp) for its young to eat."

"I asked you why you're taking me to Venus you ape! I don't care what you feed your rats!"

"You asked me (shrrppp) where we were going and what exactly an espau is. Then you started (shrrrp) asking me more questions but I stopped paying attention because I was thinking about the espaus. (shrrppp) They killed my father you know."

"Who did?"

"A band of espaus. Father had stumbled across one of their nests and they killed him."

"A band of rats killed your father. How many were there? I mean they're rats, it would take quite a few of them."

"(shrrppp) There were many but the mother devoured him whole. Our espaus are rather large. They must be if they are going to remain (shrrrrrrppp) our national animal."

"Wait. Not only do you have a national animal on Venus but its rats that are so large they can eat you in one bite?"

"That is correct."

"Why would you make something like that your national animal?"

"(shrrppp) We have to do something to pacify them, vain little buggers that they are."

The last few moments of Cuddy's afterlife caught up with his sanity and he in turn clamped his eyes shut and shook his head in an attempt to expel the ignorance from his mind. "Why are you taking me to Venus?"

"You must be harvested."

Cuddy realized that he was getting ahead of himself. "OK let's back up for a moment. I'm dead right?"

"By human standards? (shrrppp) Yes, quite dead."

"And now you're taking me to Venus?"

"Correct."

"On a spaceship?"

"How else would we (shrrppp) get there?"

"I'm dead and you're an alien. Surely one of us has the power to travel by other means than a flying saucer."

"This is not a saucer."

"What is it then?"

"It's more of a, well... (shrrppp), it's a ship OK? (shrrppp) Let's just say it's a ship."

"Like a boat?"

"Like a ship." To mask his lack of vocabulary Kqueet chose to move on. "And you're wrong."

"About what?"

"(shrrppp) You're the alien."

Offended Cuddy asked, "How do you mean?"

"You're on a (shrrppp) Venusian ship flying to Venus. I can't get much clearer than that."

"Whatever. Why are we going to Venus?"

"We aren't going there yet. We still have (shrrppp) to collect more people first. We'll be flying around (shrrp) Earth a little longer before we return."

"Why are you collecting spirits?"

"We aren't collecting spirits we're collecting people; humans (shhhhrrrp) to be exact though I am using the term loosely."

"Is that supposed to be a joke?" Cuddy had grown more defensive.

"Isn't having a living body a (shrrppp) prerequisite for being considered a human? I'm just trying to weed through your terminology here. (shrrppp)"

"All right. Why are you collecting people?"

"To take them to Venus of course."

As Cuddy's frustrations grew to a boiling point he was surprised by another person entering the inescapable room with Kqueet and himself. The new arrival was a younger man with the look of shock cemented onto his face and a form that resembled ever-shifting static. Cuddy looked down at himself and realized for the first time that not only was his own form made of the same immaterial substance but also that his youth had returned to him.

"(shrrppp) It's a projection of your thoughts that make you the age (shrrppp) you want to be."

"Are you reading my mind?!"

"Oh god where am I?!" the new arrival anxiously asked.

"I can't (shrrppp) help but read them. Your thoughts are made up of energy and Venusian (shrrppp) eyes can naturally see that energy. (shhhrrrp) Soon you will learn to not (shrrp) allow your thoughts to wander so."

"You're taking me to Hell aren't you? Aren't you?!" the new arrival demanded.

"In a manner (shrrppp) of speaking we are."

Even more confused Cuddy broke in, "Wait we're going to Hell now? What happened to Venus?"

"OH NO!!! Please, not Hell. Please!"

"Would you shut up for a minute? Does this guy look like a demon to you?"

"OH GOD YES!!!!!"

"That (shrrppp) isn't very nice now is it?"

"I asked you a question Kqueet. Where are we going; Venus or Hell?"

"(shrrppp) They are one in the same."

"Oh Jesus save me! I repent!"

"How is Hell and Venus the same place?"

"No water, 500 degrees, (shrrppp) clouds of sulfuric (shrrppp) acid and rivers of lava. Sounds a lot like your Hell doesn't it?"

"Wow, 500 degrees?"

"Oh god no! NOOO!!!!"

"(shrrppp) 900 actually. I keep forgetting you're American."

"NOOOOO!!!!"

To try and take stock of the situation Cuddy recited his thoughts aloud to Kqueet. "OK let me get this straight. You're taking me to Venus?"

"Yes."

"Which sounds a lot like Hell but isn't?"

"Correct."

"AHHHHHH!!!"

"Is it painful on Venus? We are talking 900 degrees here."

"I wouldn't say it's painful unless you (shrrppp) consider boredom to be painful. We'll be underground for your (shrrppp) stay there. Plus you wouldn't really feel the heat anyway (shrrppp) you don't exactly have a body anymore."

"Touché."

"NO NO NO NO!"

"And I'm still dead."

"That is correct."

Cuddy, Kqueet and the frightened man continued to soar around the globe until the inescapable room was filled to capacity with static, immaterial beings. When no more souls could be gathered the Espau 47 began its journey to the planet Venus where Cuddy would discover the fate of his consciousness.

2

By Cuddy's reckoning of time he had spent the following two months buried in the ground where he acted as fertilizer to enrich the surface sand of Venus. His spiritual essence infused the soil with a protein that appealed to teincants which in turn were fed to the adult espaus. The adult espaus considered teincants a delicacy and refused to eat anything but Venusians unless they were routinely fed the legless, six-armed insect creatures.

Cuddy lay motionless and was unable to move underneath the surface of Venus with only his thoughts and an occasional Venusian's appearance to keep him company. He had taken to naming the Venusians after people he had known when he was alive based on how they reminded him of those people who were by then so far away. Since Cuddy thought the Venusians were vile, ugly and grotesque beings the result was that Cuddy named them after people he had disliked in life. The particular Venusian assigned to Cuddy's teincant field he had named Lewis after a landlord he had at the age of 23. Besides his shady business practices Lewis was in the habit of spying on his tenants via a network of peepholes nestled in the walls and ceilings of his various properties. Cuddy had discovered Lewis spying on him and a lady friend during a particularly intimate evening and he had given Lewis a good beating for it. Lewis had Cuddy arrested for the assault and even ended up stealing Cuddy's lady friend on the basis of sympathy for the defeated. Lewis later died painfully of cancer and the Venusian who tended Cuddy's field had a growth from the side of his torso that reminded Cuddy of a cancer. Each time the Venusian named Lewis came around Cuddy thought of Lewis the landlord and smiled.

One day during Cuddy's stint in the fertilizer business Lewis paid him a visit to collect the Cuddy-enriched soil and any teincants that could be found. Lewis stood in the underground tunnel that ran beneath the planted souls as he downrooted Cuddy to allow the congregated teincants to fall into his bucket. There was the usual clutching of Cuddy's ankle by Lewis' massive hand and then the thrust that pulled him downwards through the roof of a tunnel. Cuddy always expected the landing to be painful but was continually reminded of his inability to feel such sensations given his current state of being deceased.

"(shrrp) Good day Cuddy."

"Hey Lewis. You know I'll never get used to you jerking me from the ground like that."

"Pray you (shrrrpp) never do Cuddy."

While Lewis collected the enriched soil Cuddy could not help but notice that Lewis had a large chunk of flesh missing from his left thigh.

"Jesus Lewis, what happened to your leg?"

"(shrp) I was out to dinner last night."

"Oh." By that point Cuddy had stopped asking subsequent questions when the initial query's response held little meaning for him.

"It was a very (shrrp) good meal but unfortunately the eatery has lost some of its wait staff. Those pesky spirits they find to work there are (shhhrrrp) always looking for ways to escape their responsibilities. Un(shrrppp)grateful in you ask me. It makes no difference to us (shhrrrp) if a human wants to leave Venus but the alternative (shrp) couldn't be that (shrrrp) desirable."

"Where do they go?"

"(shrp) Away. It's simply bothersome to have to (shrrp) wait so long (shrp) on service when all we want is (shrp) to eat in a timely fashion."

"You know Lewis; I have some experience in the food racket. During the war I worked in mess halls and fed hundreds of people a day. Your restaurants couldn't be that different from ours. What would I have to do to put in for a transfer?"

"Do you (shrrp) grow weary of your duties (shrp) here?"

"Have you ever tried being confined to the ground for months on end?"

"Yes."

"Well I'd rather be in a restaurant."

Lewis crooked his head skyward like some fowl that was curious at the raindrops that tapped him on the head. A guttural sound crept its way out of Lewis' throat as foam had begun to flow from the corners of his mouth. When these actions culminated Lewis shrrpped the foam back into his mouth and spat a baseball-sized clump of goo onto the soil above him. Lewis stepped to one side as the goo dripped from the roof of the tunnel onto the floor at his feet. After several drips had collected the goo seeped into the ground and burned a hole in its wake.

The hole had deepened substantially before Lewis broke the silence; "(shrrp) All seems to be in order."

He lifted Cuddy by the arm and had begun to force him down into the goo hole that was only inches across. Cuddy was startled by this development but could only feel the discomfort of it rather than the pain. Once Cuddy's body was crammed into the hole Lewis pushed him further in with one of his chubby Venusian fingers. The hole was sealed with dust behind Cuddy and a large Venusian foot stamped the soil down. Only a moment passed before Cuddy felt an intense suction incrementally pull him through the hole.

At the end of the hole (and the end of one of the most disconcerting events in Cuddy's life or afterlife) he found himself being sucked into a Venusian's mouth and then spat out upon the floor. He laid there motionless and vainly attempted to gather his bearings before he noticed that he had in fact ended up in the kitchen of an underground restaurant with a large (even by Venus standards) Venusian staring down at him. Cuddy looked him up and down and instantly named him Frederick after an obese man he had once helped out of a bath tub.

3

By the time Cuddy reached his 300th year at the restaurant he had seen quite a few young souls come and go. Many of the new employees had almost immediately been driven mad when the majority of their senses were returned to them by the Venusians; a requirement for the handling of instruments, the smelling food to ensure the quality thereof, etc. Out of those not maddened by their own senses there were many more who simply could not stand the nature of the work. Long ago Venusians discovered that no other food was as delicious or as nutritious for them as their own flesh. Fortunately for the Venusians they had the ability to regenerate their losses rather quickly and also lacked a nervous system to transmit the pain of lacerations.

The food service workers who prevailed through the madness of reissued senses and those who could stomach lancing portions of a Venusian's body to be cooked and fed back to them often discovered that they were in no way being held captive on Venus. Many of the workers eventually decided to dissipate themselves off the planet and become scattered into the cosmos. Not one escapee ever returned from their departure of Venus and the Venusians wouldn't take them back if they did return. A prevalent trait amongst the Venusians was the ability to hold a grudge if one of them could be angered enough to be given the opportunity to do so but even that rarely occurred. As a whole the Venusians had few cares during their existence outside of trying not to be eaten by the espaus but even they were placated easily enough. As long as the espaus were continually fed on teincants they were happy enough. No one seemed to care anything else about any of the other species that existed on Venus and for all the years that Cuddy had resided therein he had heard little mention of any creatures other than the Venusians and what the Venusians fed their aggressors to keep from being eaten by them.

Cuddy discovered straight away that he had made the right decision in opting for his new job. At first his sense of smell bothered him greatly considering the odor of the Venusians was nothing compared to the stench of their own burning flesh. Since Cuddy was not assigned to the kitchen he asked Freddy on his second day to do away with his sense of smell. He'd told Freddy that he so trusted the cooking skills of the chef that having a nose to verify the taste of the prepared meal was an insult to the kitchen staff. Cuddy became an instant hero to the wait staff when Freddy agreed to remove Cuddy's as well as all of the waiters' sense of smell in the same stroke.

What Cuddy enjoyed most about his job was his ability to once again wield tools. While he was alive Cuddy was quite the handyman and never having had a television as a child he learned early on how to occupy his time without sitting in front of something. Right up until the day he died Cuddy could be found outside doing this project or that and he was happy to have a job in his afterlife that not only required his skills but also evoked his strong work ethic. But like any man Cuddy felt frustration from time to time and upon such occasions he could vent his aggressions by slashing into Venusian flesh with an eagerness that earned him compliments for a job well done. The work was quite perfectly matched for Cuddy's constitution.

The Venusians continually ate their meals and Cuddy was never allowed a break or vacation time. Not required to sleep any longer and not having a body to tire or grow weary Cuddy was able to work around the clock and not be bothered by it. Many of the staff left Venus out of sheer boredom from the monotony of the work but Cuddy knew there was nothing else to be done on Venus and no other afterlife to live.

The job even afforded Cuddy the chance to make a few friends amongst other spirits that had been collected from earth over the years. He learned however not to get overly sentimental about the people he met. Many did not last the first week and those who did rarely made it past twenty years. Routinely Cuddy equated his detachment with the same reason one should not name a dying animal. He did however continue to name the Venusians considering he'd never heard of any who had died (outside of isolated espau attacks), aged or left their territory for another spot on Venus. He had never even heard of any of them being born and thought to himself that the whole of the inhabitants of that planet could conceivably be eons old. But still they seemed to only take pleasure in keeping themselves and the espaus properly fed.

In his 100th year Cuddy did let himself get attached to a young soul named Steven. Steven was a farmer in life who had been run over by his own plow one night while he drunkenly tried to prove a point to his pigs. Steven was an old fashioned fellow and outside of his drinking he was in all respects an upstanding citizen during his life. Cuddy acknowledged that his fondness of Steven was out of the pity he felt for him. Steven was greatly worried about how his family would get on without him and it took Cuddy three months to assure him that the life insurance policy would go through (there was nothing left of Steven for a toxicity report) and that if his sons were too young to tend the farm then the family could sell the land and take their lives elsewhere.

It wasn't until the youth's thirteenth year in service that Cuddy realized Steven had begun to crack. After Steven had dropped his third tray of food on a single evening Cuddy finally pulled him aside to have a talk with him.

"What's with you man?"

"Cuddy, I just can't take it anymore."

"I doubt it's ever going to get much better. You need to buck up and realize that."

"The afterlife wasn't supposed to be like this!" Steven had a frantic look in his eyes that made Cuddy regret waiting this long to speak with him.

"Well it's not like anyone ever promised you it would be any different."

"Yes they did. Pretty frequently too."

"Oh. Yeah I guess they did."

"A lot of people promised me a lot of things but nobody ever told me I was going to end up on Venus."

Cuddy could tell that Steven had put a lot of thought into what he said and he wished that Venusians had liquor. Much of what ailed Steven could rightly be fixed with a good saucing. "Either way it is what it is and there's nothing to be done about it."

"Oh there's something to be done about it. Ever wonder why the Venusians never have us cut bone? Why it's always just the meat? Why they never eat themselves off the bone? You know why?"

Cuddy didn't like where the conversation was headed. "No but I'm sure you'll tell me."

"It's because their bones will cause an explosion if someone tries to cook them. Do you know why we can't leave this place?"

"People leave all the time Steven."

"No they don't. There's a field around this restaurant that keeps us here. When someone tries to leave they hit the field and it holds them there until the Venusians collect them and give them a new job."

"Who told you that?"

"There can be no escape unless there is no field."

"And you intend to blow it up then?"

"Help me Cuddy. Me and you can stop all this for everyone here and we can go off to what we'd been promised our whole lives. We can finally start living our afterlife."

"Steven I can feel things here. I can touch things and I can pick them up. And I can taste food. Ever tried a Venusian? They aren't half bad."

"They're feeding you table scraps and you're lapping it up like a... like a lap dog! It's time we get out of this prison and move on to our reward."

With that Steven ended the conversation by walking away from it. Cuddy knew this would lead to no good but he felt he was powerless to stop it. All there was to do was to tell Frederick everything and have Steven transferred to a place where he could do no harm. This would save Cuddy's place in the restaurant and ensure that no one else would try to destroy the field that kept them all safely within the restaurant. Above all, though he'd never admit it, Cuddy was afraid of the unknown and had no idea where he would go if he wasn't on Venus. Death never frightened Cuddy because he knew the inevitability of it but the afterlife went on for an eternity and Cuddy had gotten quite accustomed to slicing the thighs off of Venusians for their delight.

He saw Frederick immediately and told him about Steven's plot to overthrow the restaurant. Frederick called Steven into the kitchen to discuss the matter but had failed to dismiss Cuddy before doing so. Cuddy would've given anything to have not been present at Steven's interrogation but he knew that if Freddy wanted him to be there then there wasn't much Cuddy could do about it.

Once Steven entered the kitchen and saw Cuddy there with Frederick he knew that he had been ratted out. Slowly Steven walked over to the pair with hate in his eyes for Cuddy. When he was only a few steps away from them Steven unexpectedly lunged toward Freddy. He shoved Freddy's head into a fryer situated behind Cuddy and the Venusian's face had begun to cook with pops and sizzles that accompanied the fear in Cuddy's chest.

"Steven, why are you doing this?" Freddy calmly burbled through the grease. "Have we not cared for you and given you a home in death?"

"You've given us a prison you ugly bastard!"

Cuddy was in too much shock to do anything about the situation. He was also mildly freaked out by Freddy's imperturbability while his skin and spittle was eaten away by hot grease.

"I'll teach all of Venus that they can't..." Steven's speech was cut short by the grease hitting Frederick's face bones.

The explosion was devastating and consumed the entirety of the subterranean building. Every Venusian within died immediately and every soul who worked at the restaurant was thrown away from the eatery by the blast. Steven was correct in his assumption that the field around the restaurant was all that held those spirits within its walls but he was ill prepared for the vastness of space after thirteen years of having dwelt underground.

Cuddy floated motionless through the void with no feeling of physical pain since all of the senses that the Venusians had given him had been stripped away. He was merely a spirit again but Cuddy accepted this readily as he did with most things. Cuddy was not adrift through the cosmos for long before he found himself intercepted by yet another ship as it barreled through space at unfathomable speeds. Steven was already there in the cell when Cuddy arrived.

"You just had to blow the place up didn't you Steven?! You just couldn't be satisfied with it so you had to blow it up. Did you ever think that maybe you should've just asked them to let you go and they would've let you?"

Steven was crestfallen, "No I hadn't..."

"No you didn't think of that because you were up on your high horse playing freedom fighter." Cuddy briefly took in his surroundings before asking, "Where the hell are we anyway?"

Just then a Plutonian entered the room and answered his question. "You are on a vessel headed for Pluto where you will be enslaved and placed on the surface to pointlessly haul loads of ice for hundreds of miles for the sheer entertainment of the Plutonians. You will have your petty human senses returned to you so that you may feel the searing, bitter cold of -235 degrees. And that's Celsius so you Americans had better expect it to be even colder! I'd do the math for you but I wish to see you writhe in the agony of not knowing the temperature in Fahrenheit. Mwahhh ha ha ha! Welcome to the hell that is PLANET PLUTO!"

"You know Pluto's not considered a planet any longer? Right?" The cabin was so quiet a corpse's cough could be heard and Cuddy realized too late that he had made the biggest mistake of his afterlife.

The End
Sketches
Introduction to Sketches

I have always been a huge sketch comedy fan. From Liquid Television to The State to Kids in the Hall, the format is simply brilliant; five minute comedy bits that are clever and to the point. Comedy works magnificently in this format (I think horror best at around the half hour mark).

For six months I lived in the tourist trap of Myrtle Beach, South Carolina. The town had more miniature golf courses than any one town should have, actual golf courses that were apparently so great people made a 12-hour drive down from the upper New England states, and beach front running down the east side of the town. Vanna White of Wheel of Fortune is MB's most notable former resident (she was born there) and I myself was conceived in the neighboring town of Conway. Or so I hear, luckily I have no recollection of that night.

My roommate in MB was a bartender/promoter/band coordinator(¿) for a club/bar in town and I, by my proximity to her, became acquainted with the family who owned the establishment in which my roommate worked. The place had a wonderful stage and the owner had told me (knowing my interest in theatre) that I could use the stage whenever I liked should I wish to put together and produce a play. So I started writing and these comedy sketches are what ensued.

While writing them I appealed to the local community college for actors/actresses by posting fliers on campus that contained a brief description of my intent along with Dr. Blasphemy's infamous logo from Brat Pack. I received zero responses. No one showed any interest whatsoever. The production floundered on dry land before it was begun. It certainly didn't help that I was young and inexperienced enough to give up on pursuing my goal by different means. Were I to make the same attempt now I would have done more and done it differently. But hey, we all learn sometime or other.

But it was incredibly great that I was offered the opportunity at the time to do something even if it came to nothing. Looking back on it now I can at least say I tried; not the all-or-nothing/where there's a will there's a way/never take 'no' for an answer, sort of attempt that was both the impassioned and the life-affirming effort that you read so much of in the Lit books. It was more of an effort than most people would have done. But, I suppose, 'most people' wouldn't think about producing plays in the first place.

And I feel inclined to highlight a few of my non-writing-related activities connected with that bar as it was a fun few months in an otherwise bleak point in my life. I met a Nordic kid with a third nipple whose car was towed one night leading to me drunkenly hop an impound lot fence and the taming of a guard dog that initially almost bit my face off (by the end of it I was sitting with the dog hanging my arm around him/her). My favorite Halloween costume to date (Lizzy Borden) happened because of the bar's Halloween party and in doing so learned that not only is it a bad idea to take an ax to a bar, but also how surprisingly difficult it is to find a fake ax to purchase around Halloween time. I also had a big crush on the owner's daughter (in retrospect, kinda glad that never came to anything for various reasons). All said I very much appreciated the fact that The Social existed.

And yes, living that close to the beach I am very grateful to have skinny dipped in the ocean at least once, all the better that I was alone in my dipping.

You'll note that Toe Tag is not a comedy and was not written as part of the above mentioned sketches production . And though it is not included here there is a mirror version of The Manly Man called Confessional that is the same characters and same setup but is, however, a tragedy. I was 'talking' to a girl who was interested enough in me to ask about my writing and I sent her a copy of Confessional, I never heard from her again. Needlessly to say it was a bit on the unrelenting side.
Evolutionary Showman

Showman: Step right up ladies and gentlemen. View a sight so astounding you will marvel at the memory for years to come. Be one of the first to see an unprecedented feat in humanity. Never before has something this amazing, this colossal, this magnanimous been proffered for perusal by the general public. Come one; come all to view this spectacle of overwhelming magnitude!

1: So what is it we're supposed to be seeing here?

S: Ah, you must pay the fare to ride this ride.

2: How much are you asking?

S: How much am I charging to view this testament to the titillating, this innovation in the eye popping, this achievement in the astronomical? Five bucks.

2: Is it something about space?

S: No, I was speaking figuratively.

1: Its five bucks?

S: Yes it is noble onlooker.

3: But it's not about space?

S: No.

1: It should be.

S: Oh? Do you disbelieve that I hold a secret more promising than the farthest depths of space?

1: Yes, I disbelieve.

2: What about black holes?

3: Or stars for that matter.

2: The international space station is kinda interesting.

3: And what about the Boomerang Nebula.

1: Boomerang Nebula?

3: About 5,000 light years from earth in the direction of the Centaurus constellation you'll find the nebula. It's a star in the process of energy ejection know as bipolar outflow which causes two clouds of dust and gas that stem from the star itself in a nearly symmetrical way. Hence the name Boomerang Nebula

2: I'd pay five bucks to see that.

1: Ten bucks goes to the guy that can show me a Trifid Nebula. I always wanted to see where stars are born.

S: I do not offer you sights of star gazers. What I offer you is a once in a lifetime chance to see something you couldn't see in any astronomy textbook or any other textbook for that matter. I wish to show you something that is thousands of years away for us as a species.

3: I woman with three breasts?

2: A man with 12 fingers?

1: Some new breed of asexually reproducing fales?

S: Do any of you want to see this or not?

2: If you're taking that tone about it I'll pass.

3: Me too. Something I don't like about the cut of your jib.

S: All right all right. Tell you what, five bucks for the three of you. What do you say?

1: Five bucks for all three of us?

S: That's right. An amazing deal for an amazing sight.

(The three of them speak amongst themselves)

2: OK, we'll do it. (Hands the Showman five bucks)

3: Let's see what you've got.

S: Are you coming on to me?

3: What?!

S: (disregarding his own question) Feast your eyes upon this vision of visions. I give you the next evolutionary step in mankind! (Motions to the empty space next to him)

2: What is it?

S: This is Freddy.

3: There isn't anything there!

S: I beg to differ. Freddy has achieved the next step on the staircase that begins with the ape men and ends with (with grandeur) pure energy.

3: Homo habilis.

2: Pure energy?

S: Yes!!

3: Or was it Australopithecus?

1: But there isn't anything there.

S: Our unevolved eyes cannot view the grandeur of a being comprised merely of microscopic particles.

2: There's a person there?

S: In his own way.

2: And his name's Freddy?

S: That's what I'm telling you.

3: (walks through Freddy) You're telling us that right now I'm walking through someone that has evolved into pure energy?

S: (more impatiently) That's what I'm telling you.

3: And his name's Freddy?

S: Yes!!!

1: How do you know his name's Freddy?

S: What?!

2: He doesn't have a tongue to speak with, can't pick up a pen, he's got no physical ability whatsoever. How did you find out his name was Freddy?

S: (frustrated) I don't know. He spoke to me in a dream OK

3: A dream? So when we all evolve into pure energy we'll all have the power to communicate with others through dreams?

1: But if we're all evolved into pure energy we could communicate with everyone already. We may not even dream at all any longer.

2: Isn't that a scary thought; no more dreams?

1: I had a dream last night I was naked in a swamp.

3: What if we couldn't communicate with others once we're energy. Does energy get lonely? (To Freddy) Freddy, do you ever get lonely? (To Showman) Can you ask Freddy if he gets lonely?

1: I was wrestling with a band of rabid lemmings.

S: No I can't ask him if he gets lonely. He doesn't have any ears.

1: What if you were asleep? Could you ask him if you were dreaming?

S: And how would I do that now?

1: Go to sleep.

S: Go to sleep in the middle of the day in the middle of the street? Are you crazy?

3: You're just afraid we'd take our five bucks back.

1: What if we followed you home? We could stay the night and find out over breakfast.

S: No you can't sleep over at my house.

3: Don't you have one? If not there are many organizations...

S: Of course I have a home!

2: So we aren't good enough to stay at your home?

S: It isn't like that.

3: You are afraid we'll take back our money.

S: No I'm not afraid.

3: There are three of us, you should be afraid. We could take you pretty easily.

S: You want your money back? (Throws the money at them) Here, take it and get lost.

2: (picks up the money) Some showman you are!

3: Yeah, really. I think I'm going to buy a telescope.

S: Don't come back!

1: Or what? You'll get Freddy to beat us up?

2: No pure energy being's going to kick my ass.

3: Don't worry about that, me and Freddy are tight. He's with us.

2: How do you know?

3: Wouldn't you be on our side if the only guy you knew was this goon? (Pointing at Showman)

S: Get away from me! You're all costing me customers.

1: I think its Freddy holding you back. He's got a bad attitude.

S: Get away from me! (Runs offstage)

1: Man, that guy's stressed. He should relax more.

2: I wonder if he took Freddy with him.

3: I hope so. Being an energy being must be pretty lonely.

The End
The Manly Man

(A circle of homeless people sit around a fire. Four men, one woman. They share one brown bag of booze between them.)

Jon: Well, what shall we do on this lovely warm night under the stars?

Marty: We can have a circle jerk!

Doreen: Oh shut up Marty. You assholes did that last night.

Ed: I know what we can do. Jon, you still got that bag of booze?

Jon: (showing the brown bag) Right here.

Ed: How bout we pass that bottle around and share some secrets? We get a drink for each secret. Best secret gets to polish it off. Whatta ya say?

Jon: Sounds good to me.

Marty: I'm in.

Doreen: Let's do it. Start us off Jon.

Jon: OK, lemme think. (Short pause) All right, you remember last month when that guy got killed over on 23rd for his shoes? That was me. (Takes a drink and passes it to Ed)

Marty: You mean you wuz the one that knifed that guy, took his shoes and sexed up the dead body?

Jon: Hell no I didn't fuck no dead guy! But you leave a dead body around somewhere it still bein' warm and there's no telling what some sick bastard'll do to it.

Doreen: (taking the bottle from Ed) Me next. Last week I took on three guys at once. (takes a drink and gives the bottle back to Ed)

Ed: Shit Doreen, last night you gang banged your way through five guys. I should know I was one of 'um.

Doreen: Yeah but you weren't all in my butt at once were ya?

Ed: See yer point.

Marty: Well c'mon with yours. I'm gettin' thirsty over here.

Ed: I once had sex with a guy just laying in the street wit no shoes on. (Drinks and passes it to Marty)

Jon: That's fuckin' sick man.

Ed: What?! Cause I fucked a guy?

Jon: No dumb ass, cause he wuz dead.

Ed: (realization dawns on Ed) Oh, thought he was taking the whole rape thing pretty well. Wasn't movin' or screamin' or nothin'.

Jon: Sick fuck. You turn Marty.

Marty: I have a vagina. (Drinks and passes it back to Ed)

Ed: Back when I wuz in prison I... what wuz that?

Marty: I got a vagina.

Jon: No shit?

Doreen: Startin' to wonder why you never tried nothin' wit me.

Marty: Yeah, I got a big ol' pussy next to ma poop chute.

Ed: What do ya do with it?

Marty: Stick stuff innit.

Doreen: Wait a sec, weren't you in that circle jerk last night?

Marty: Had ma finger stickin' through ma zipper.

Jon: Holy hell Marty, how long we known each other?

Marty: A few years now.

Jon: And you never told me you got no dick?

Marty: I thought you knew. Last year when we found that case of bourbon me 'n' you went at it like dogs in heat.

Jon: (dumbfounded) Oh. I just don't know how to feel about that.

Ed: So you're a hermadick?

Doreen: Hermaphrodite you idiot.

Marty: Call it what you will. Alls I know is I got a slit where my pee pee should be.

Ed: And here I'd thought I'd fucked every snatch this side 'o 37th Street. Me and you got a date Wednesday, baby.

Marty: After hearin' bout you and no shoes I won't let ya. Kinda particular bout the sausage I put in ma pizza.

Jon: That sayin' it wuz just the bourbon wit me and you?

Marty: Hell no Jon. Best auguring I've had in years. We need to do it again sometime.

Jon: Hey, why not? Shit I say we do it now.

Doreen: Can I watch? Never seen a guy with a pussy before. Specially one getting' it from another guy.

Marty: Whatta ya say Jon? Wanna put on a show?

Jon: I'm about to fuck a guy with a vagina for the second time, ain't much further I can stoop. I say we lettem.

Ed: If I get a chubby from this I'm gonna feel funny.

Doreen: Shut up, you're gonna make um nervous. What if Jon can't get it up cause of you?

Jon: No worries my dear, I'm already there.

Ed: (taking a drink from the bottle) And here I thought I'd seen everything.

Marty: You ain't seen nothin' yet, cowboy.

The End
THE VIRGIN JOSEPH

(A very pregnant Mary enters the manger with Joseph)

Mary: Oh husband of mine. It is a pity there is no room for us at the inn. But our Lord has given us adequate lodgings for the night.

Joseph: Yeah, yeah, he's certainly provided. We've got a nice lump of hay to sleep on.

Mary: Do not look down on the gifts of God, husband. We have a roof over our heads.

Joseph: Well you know what? We probably would be outside if he hadn't knocked you up.

Mary: Joseph! Do not speak so or you'll upset me.

Joseph: All right. I'm sorry it's just been a long trip. That's all. Let's lie down and get some sleep. We'll both feel better in the morning.

Mary: Thank you Joseph. But there's only one problem. There isn't enough hay for the both of us. You'll have to sleep on the ground.

Joseph: (grudgingly speaking through clinched teeth) That's fine, dear, anything for our mighty Lord.

(Both lay down to go to sleep. Subtle moans can be heard coming from Mary first. Then Joseph starts to moan and the rustling movement increases.)

Mary: (shockingly leaping up from the bed of hay.) Joseph! What are you doing?!

Joseph: (rising angrily wile adjusting his robe back into place) What do you think I'm doing?! I'm trying to have maritals.

Mary: We've spoken of this many times, Joseph. We simply cannot know each other in that way. I carry the seed of our Lord God in my womb and I cannot let you defile that with your manhood.

Joseph: Defile?! Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't realize that I was trying to defile you. Forgive me oh mighty goddess Mary. Forgive me my transgressions!

Mary: Do you not know how it pains me to not make love to you?

Joseph: Well let's go then!

Mary: You know I can't Joseph. Goodnight. (lays back down on the hay without him)

Joseph: (shaking his fist and turning to the audience) Damn it! Why me?! Huh? Why me? I meet a pretty girl. I take her out and show her a good time. Gotta wait till we're married? Sure, honey, no problem at all, anything for you. So we get engaged. Every night I lay down to sleep thinking about bedding her. Oh how I've wondered at the noise she makes during orgasm. Every night I sleep to those thoughts and every morning I wake to the wish that Mary would be laying next to me so I could simply roll over and have my way with her. So I'm waiting. And waiting. And waiting.

Then one day she comes to me. When I first see her running to me I'm thinking, "Hey, this might be it." Good thing I wasn't holding my breath. She comes to me and tells me about this 'miracle' she's experienced. An angel of the Lord, she tells me, came down from Heaven and impregnated her with God's seed. I'm thinking, "What the fuck?!" Right? I play it off. "It's OK honey. You've been outside too long. You're imagining things." Then a couple months go by. She starts getting a little bigger. I went out looking for the bastard that did it. I got into three fights before I realized I'd never find out for sure. I let her talk me into believing the whole angel of God shit. It made me feel better about the whole thing to lie to myself and I'll be damned if I could convince Mary otherwise.

It's now been nine long months. On top of the time I've already waited. Sex is all I think about now. I should've just taken that trip to Babylon like I'd planned before all this happened. One night with a Babylonian hooker and all this waiting would be going a lot smoother, I can tell you that.

And what's with that 'don't defile me' bullshit? What's so unclean about me, huh? Just because she's had God doesn't mean she should look down on a guy like me. Her shit still stinks, trust me. I'm the one who's got to bury it since I'm the gentleman. Well, I've had enough of gentlemanly behavior! It's time for me to be a normal guy and get what I want. (looks over at Mary) Still sleeping. She'll wake up and think she's had a great dream!

(Joseph creeps over and lays next to Mary. He begins going through the motions. After a minute or two of groans and strokes Mary springs out of bed hysterical.)

Mary: Joseph! What were you doing inside me?!

Joseph: Take a wild guess.

Mary: God please forgive us! Please! He was too weak to prevent his manhood from spoiling your child.

Joseph: What are you asking forgiveness for? I didn't even have time to finish. What'd we do that was so wrong?

Mary: You idiot! Couldn't you have waited just a little longer?

Joseph: Wait longer? Mary, I've got perpetual blue balls as it is. If I wait any longer I'll be the one choking on my seed instead of you.

Mary: (shouting in pain) Oh no! Oh no oh no oh no. Joseph I'm having the baby. Look what you did! You've induced me into labor you stupid bastard.

Joseph: Wow. That explains the extra moisture down there.

(three wise men enter)

1: Good Lord! Let us be of assistance.

Joseph: Who the hell are you?

2: Hey buddy. We heard everything outside. You should be ashamed.

1: I wish a fate worse than Job's on you for soiling this lovely bride of God.

Joseph: Are you guys eunuchs or something?

2: I wish.

Joseph: Jesus! Do you know how long I've been waiting for her to give it up?

3: Hmmm, Jesus you say. What a magnificent name. Perhaps you are of some use yet.

2: Just remember you'll be the one taking care of her.

Joseph: I don't care. As long as I can know my wife without the chastity patrol attacking me I'll be happy.

3: Six weeks.

Joseph: What'd you say?

3: Six weeks before she can lay with you.

Joseph: (shaking with anger) Noooooooo!

# THE END
Toe Tag

(Opens in a morgue. There is a body covered by a white sheet laid across a stainless steel table. A man in a lab coat enters with a woman who is dressed as though she had been out on the town.)

Doc: Again ma'am I really must apologize for the late hour.

Woman: I told you it's OK doctor. It isn't that it's so late it's just I've never had to do anything like this before.

Doc: In all likelihood it will be the last. Most of the people who must do this regularly are those who keep the company of the underbelly in society. There is one woman I myself have seen three times this month and I'm only here 20 hours a week. Some of the orderlies say they've seen her on the streets of the city at all hours. Judging from her steady decline I'd say she is involved with drugs as well as prostitution.

Woman: What do you judge of me?

Doc: I try not to judge anyone who comes into this morgue. But when someone is here often and exhibits perpetual deterioration one cannot help but judge.

Woman: Well what am I supposed to do? Let's get this over with.

Doc: Of course. As I told you over the phone about an hour ago we received a John Doe D.O.A. Apparently there had been a car accident and this man was involved. I have not heard the official report so whether he was...

Woman: Please doctor.

Doc: Sorry, I digress. We received him D.O.A. and we began trying to identify him to alert the next of kin and so forth. He had no wallet, driver's license, or any other way to tell who he was on his person.

Woman: So you told me.

Doc: Yes. But we did find this in his pocket. (Produces a slip of paper) When we called the number we discovered it to be yours. (Woman takes the card and sadly laughs once at it. Tears begin to form.) We could only conclude that you must've known him therefore we asked you to come here and identify the body.

Woman: (wipes her eyes) I think I do know him.

Doc: You know we really must be sure. (Doc gestures toward the sheet) Are you ready?

Woman: Go Ahead. (Doc raises the sheet at the face. Woman looks at it for a moment then turns her gaze away. Doc lowers the sheet.) His name is Albert. Albert Conway Thickle. He told me he did theatre in college and he loved the fact that his initials spelled ACT. That's how I know his full name.

Doc: May I ask how you knew Mr. Thickle?

Woman: I...(collects thoughts) I met him tonight in a bar. A.. a girlfriend and I went out for a few drinks. I work a lot and it being Friday Lucy told me I should go out and try to have a good time for a change. She said I might even meet Mr. Right and I told her she was full of shit. You never meet good guys in bars. The good ones are there with their wives or girlfriends. The ones that can't get dates or want to try to get laid are there by themselves or with their friends. But she convinced me so I went.

Doc: This Lucy, is she the one who brought you here?

Woman: Yes.

Doc: And you met Mr. Thickle while out drinking in a bar?

Woman: We went to a few and ended up in the one where I met him. We were at the bar and Lucy had to go to the bathroom. The next thing I know I'm talking to the guy sitting next to me. When Lucy came back she said she wanted to try a different place but I said no.

Talking to Albert was... have you ever met someone and immediately wondered at the ease you spoke to them? It's not like I was telling him my deepest secrets or anything but I was telling him things I'd never thought to tell others. There's so many little quirks that we have rolling around in our minds that we never think anyone would ever give a damn about. But Albert did. He even told me he'd done some of those same things. Like making anagrams of street names when you're stuck in traffic or wondering if the names of cars dictate their behavior just like people because when you own a car and drive it long enough you discover it has it's own personality. Some people even name their cars once they get to known them well enough or at least assign a gender to them. We just talked about things like that.

I always get so defensive towards guys I don't know, especially somewhere like a bar. There's always been a part of me that can just feel guys undressing me in their thoughts. Sometimes just the way a guy says hello can make me feel used. Most guys all they wanna do is get in your pants but I didn't feel that with Albert. He instantly put my mind at ease. It wasn't any one thing he said or did but a mixture of everything that was said and done. It felt like he really just wanted to get to know me instead of just well enough to take me home and have a conquest to brag to his buddies about the next day. I really felt good when he spoke to me. He made me feel special. Like what he had to say was only meant for me to hear.

I'm sorry doctor; I'm just going on and on. I'm sure you have a lot to do and I don't want to keep you.

Doc: Just on the way down here you told me I apologized too much. Look who's apologizing now?

Woman: I'm sorry.

Doc: It's OK, really. As you can imagine it get's a little lonely down here. It's good to hear a voice from time to time in a place that's always so quiet.

Woman: After he left I started talking to Lucy again and I was so giddy she asked me if I'd shagged him while she wasn't looking. I couldn't help but let my imagination go where it wanted. I know it's easy to create an idea of someone you hardly know and even easier to create one when you don't know them at all. I also know how bad of a thing it can be when you wrap someone in idealism and then try to get to know them intimately. People never live up to the expectations you place on them when you do that but with Albert there was no need to live up to the life I created in my mind for him to have. I knew the life he already had would amaze me to the point that my own expectations wouldn't matter.

Doc, have you ever met someone that you have that immediate spark with? Someone that it feels like they're there to fill in the blanks you didn't even realize you had?

Doc: (with an inward smile) Yes I have. I was lucky enough to have married her.

Woman: For all I know I would've gone out with him and discovered that it was all an alcohol induced infatuation.

Doc: It's very possible.

Woman: I guess now I'll never know for sure.

(Lucy enters)

Lucy: Is everything OK? (Observing her surroundings) Geez, it's kinda creepy down here.

Woman: Yeah I'm fine.

Lucy: So was it him?

Woman: Yeah, it was.

Lucy: I'm so sorry.

Woman: Thanks. What brought you down here?

Lucy: I was just getting a little worried. I didn't know how long this was supposed to take so I came down to check on you.

Doc: We do have everything we need if you would like to go.

Woman: Thanks doc. (Leaves by a few steps and then stops) Oh, I almost forgot. (Pulls a wallet from her purse) Here's why you couldn't find his wallet. The big dummy left it at the bar. He said he was always leaving the most important stuff behind. (She thinks for a moment applying the last sentence to her own situation and then hands the wallet to the doctor)

Lucy: Honey are you sure you're all right?

Woman: No. But what am I supposed to do?

Lucy: Just don't think about it. You only met this guy and talked to him for a few hours. You'll be OK it's just the shock of it all.

Woman: I can't say I was expecting the day to turn out like this when I woke up this morning.

Lucy: These things happen.

Woman: I know they do Lucy. It's just...

Lucy: What darling?

Woman: Now I'll never know for sure. My imagination was running wild enough just from meeting him but now...

Lucy: Don't drive yourself crazy thinking about what might've been.

Woman: I've just been thinking about all the things he must've done in his life and all the things he would've done. I'm creating this image of him in my mind and now I'll never get to find out for sure how much of it is true. And the more I think about it the more details get added.

Lucy: C'mon, be realistic. You're talking about this guy like you two were soul mates or something. He was probably going to turn out like ever other asshole out there.

Woman: (unconvincingly) Probably. But he just seemed so.. so pure. I knew right away that there was a connection. There was a feeling that's so rare that I wonder if I'll ever feel it again with anyone else. I'm worried that I'll never meet anyone for the rest of my life that makes me feel the way he did in two hours. How often does that happen after one conversation?

Lucy: There are lots of guys out there. You'll find someone else and you'll forget all about him.

Woman: I know I'll find someone else but I will never forget about him.

Lucy: OK OK, so don't forget about him but someone else will come along soon enough.

Woman: Yeah. But it'll still hurt until they do. I just hope it stops hurting once there is someone else.

The End
The Untrusting Guy

Untrusting Guy is a guy that constantly thinks people are trying to trick or fool him and responds accordingly but harshly.

(At the office. Tug stands with a coworker named Larry.)

TUG: I just don't get it Larry.

L: What's that Guy?

TUG: Why are people always trying to fool me?

L: How do you mean?

TUG: People constantly try to tell me stories I guess just to see if I'm dumb enough to believe them.

L: That's odd.

TUG: Yeah I know. Hang back for a minute it shouldn't take long.

(Jon enters.)

J: Hey Guy.

TUG: How have you been Jon? Any (glances at Larry) big news lately?

J: Um... my dog had puppies. That's pretty exciting.

TUG: (with sternness and mildly threatening) Yeah. Your dog had puppies.

J: Oh, ummmmmm.... (attempting to be cheerful) she sure did.

TUG: You're mother's a whore for raising such a liar. Get out of here!

(Jon exits clumsily)

TUG: See? What'd I tell you?

L: The guy just said his dog had puppies.

TUG: That guy probably doesn't even have a dog.

(Bob enters.)

TUG: Hey what's up Bob? How was your weekend?

Bob: (very sorrowfully) Not so good Guy. You see my brother was killed in a car accident over the weekend.

(TUG stares silently in inspection of Bob's face for a sign of falsehood)

TUG: (cheerfully) I hear you Bob! My brother died in a car accident as well and I've been thinking about driving into oncoming traffic so I can join him in the afterlife.

(Bob's taken aback)

Bob: No I'm serious. My brother's dead. I'm flying out this evening to take care of the final arrangements.

TUG: (sympathetically) No buddy, I hear you. It was hard burying my wife's mother last year.

Bob: Oh Guy, I'm sorry. Were they close?

TUG: Not particularly. It was just hard to stuff her in the coffin on account of her kicking and whatnot.

(Bob shakes his head and leaves.)

L: I can't believe you just did that?! The guy's brother just died!

TUG: (dismissively) Yeah yeah. Bob's brother is dead and I never tried to have sex with my sister.

(Larry attempts to think his way through the confusion.)

L: Wait... you what with your sister?!

(Vanessa enters weeping.)

TUG: Hey Vanessa. What gives?

V: My boyfriend and I broke up last night. (blows her nose)

TUG: Oh I'm sorry to hear that. (he gives her a hug that lasts a bit longer than it should) So you're free later right?

V: What?

TUG: (comfortingly) tell me what happened.

V: He...he found someone else.

(TUG begins rocking her back and forth)

TUG: There there. I'm sure she wasn't that much younger than you.

(Vanessa pulls away from him slightly with a shocked expression on her face and then buries her face into his chest sobbing profusely.)

TUG: Well you know. He had to trade up sooner or later. Might as well get it over with now.

(Her cries become awkward sobs.)

TUG: Just let it all out sweetie. When you're done I'll take you to the broom closet and make you forget all about his penis.

(Vanessa begins flailing at him and breaking his embrace.)

V: You asshole!

TUG: Don't hit me. I can't help it that your boyfriend left you because you're sterile.

(Vanessa stares at him with a shocked expression.)

V: Who told you that? I've never told anyone in this office about that. How do you know?

TUG: Are you kidding? Everybody knows. (to Larry) Can you believe this? They try to compound their lies to make them more believable.

(When Guy turns away from Larry Vanessa strikes him in the head with her purse and then storms offstage.)

TUG: (while holding his face) Jesus the commitment these people have.

L: Yeah commitment. Well I think I have to be going. Those files aren't going to file themselves.

TUG: (questioningly) Files huh?

L: No. I was really just saying that because you're a freak and I want to get the hell away from you.

TUG: (questioningly) Really?

L: You're right I was lying. I really do have to get some filing done.

TUG: You're saying I'm a freak?

L: Yes. I'm saying you're a freak.

(Larry exits.)

TUG: Damn it.

The End
Plays
Introduction to Plays

Oenone and The Death of Gods were written to be performed as a single engagement; one tragedy and one comedy. Of course there isn't much call for plays based in Greek mythology these days but my love of the Greek myths means that I will be writing them til the day I die.

The first draft for both of these were written over the course of two weeks. At the time I was working in an adult bookstore and my evenings were spent peddling gonzo porn, dildos/vibrators, butt plugs, 'pin the penis on the man' bachelorette party games, etc. while my nights after work were spent drinking myself into a maddening frenzy on Pabst Blue Ribbon and typing until my fingers hurt. Rarely have I written anything since these two plays that has caused such delightful reckless abandon.

Oenone was the lover or wife of Paris of Troy at the time of the Judgment of Paris. She is barely mentioned in the myths but her story nonetheless intrigued me from the moment I discovered her. What is it like to be abandoned by the man you love for the most beautiful woman in the world?

The Death of Gods is pretty much unperformable. Or more appropriately will never be performed. Though it is humorous and a shining example of the Greek gods' attitudes toward one another, it is a short play with 15+ speaking roles, several extras and one non-speaking walkthrough. It could be performed but in all likelihood never will be.

Helen is the last entry in my Greek plays (thus far, I've two cooking in my head as I type this) and was an attempt to answer the question of whether Helen was abducted by Paris and held against her will or if she willingly fled Menelaus for a new lover and a new kingdom. It has been a debate for as long as these tales have existed and my solution was to show that it was both; it depended more on who you asked rather than a definitive answer.

L'sprit D'escalier had its roots in my fascination with phrases that simply do not exist in the English language. It was the second thing of any length I had ever written and I learned a great deal from its writing.

L'sprit was mostly written in long hand during late nights at a coffee shop that stayed open until 3am and had closed down shortly after the play's completion. I had just turned 21 and needless to say I was not a happy camper at the time. Opiates certainly did not help my condition though they were an adequate balm for the pain I was experiencing at that stage in my life.

I am somewhat loathe to include L'sprit in this collection mostly due to its subject matter and the fact that I was still learning the rudimentary process of writing itself. But the fact that it makes me uncomfortable to include it is exactly why it has been included.

Bone, Deus ex Porcus and We Can't Die were plays that had promising premises but I don't feel as though my execution of said premises were adequate by any means.

Bone operates on the assumption that all men in the world have a bone in their penis causing all males of the world to have a perpetual erection which somehow flops gender roles. One reason I am proud of this play is the fact that during its writing I became acutely aware of the fact that when talking to strangers I stopped being able to place them comfortably in their gender; speaking with men felt like speaking with women and vice versa.

Bone was written late nights while working at the same porn shop I was employed at while writing Oenone and The Death of Gods. However Bone was written at the store itself. My store had a sister store on the north end of town that had been gutted by a fire, a fire begun by a guy in a ninja costume. At around 4am the clerk for this sister store was outside sweeping the parking lot when someone in a mask holding a rifle in one hand and a gas can in the other approached him and asked if anyone was inside the store. Truthfully the clerk replied 'no' and the masked man told the clerk to leave because he didn't want to hurt anyone. The clerk gladly got in his car and drove down the street to call the police while the masked man doused the place in gasoline and set it ablaze.

While the insurance settlement paid for the repairs, my store received all the workers from the sister store (along with some smoke-smelling money, masked man was not interested in the cash on moral grounds). The extra load of employees pushed me to having to work several graveyard shifts a week (3am in a porn store is both an odd time...) but allowed me freedom to write this play on the job (and a slow time).

Deus ex Porcus was just a fun idea I had so I wrote it. Product placement in film/tv is rampant and I devised a plot that led to two guys creating a television program called Sex (so titled so people would immediately be interested in it) just to product place a new cosmetic procedure akin to tanning beds (a procedure that just so happens to be terribly painful). While doing so they plotted to open a chain of businesses providing the new procedure to reap the benefits of popularization of the procedure through product placement. I then had to devise a reason for why the two guys would want to pursue such a convoluted process versus any of the other hundreds of ways they could have probably managed to pull it off. Thinking back on it I do like the play, its just that with the difficulty of getting a production off the ground from even the initial stages, I don't think Deus is good enough for anyone to ever feel strongly enough for it that they would invest their time/money/resources into seeing it staged. I could be wrong; each time I look back on this play it gets more and more funny to me, the plot may be iffy and all the 'parts' might not be there, but in my head its good.

We Can't Die is something I had an idea for and wished to write at least the first draft of (the version included herein is the first draft) before I started school, mostly just to write something/anything knowing that it would be a year or so before I had time to do any writing for my own purposes. Rather than rewrite an intro to We Can't Die, below you will find excerpts from the Preface I wrote for it:

Often times writers are asked what their writing is about. What does this or that story mean, or what intention did the author have for this or that decision or circumstance that involve their characters? Why do certain aspects of the story make it into the final product and why are certain events allowed to play out and how is the decision made as to what extent the characters are affected? I hate having to answer these questions, believing that interpretation should be left to the audience and they should form their own opinions on what this or that means to them. But I felt a preface to be a good thing to include with this play if for no other reason to keep myself on track to some semblance of theme and to continually remind myself why I've chosen this subject matter above others that meander around inside my head at any given time.

We Can't Die is about life in contrast to death. Its about how many people live their entire lives never having a real concept that one day it will end. Knowing that our existence is finite and that every day draws us one day closer to death, we should be taking those chances we dream about and pursue our dreams with a vigilance many can never fathom. We should be risking our lives to make our existence one we can look back on with more than just contentment. When we are old we should look back and think to ourselves 'I can't believe I did that to obtain this, but I obtained it and I'm the happier for it'. The thought of finality should always be at the forefront of our thoughts, driving us so that we do not fear failure but loathe passivity.

But we don't do that.

We Can't Die concerns people with immortality acting just as we mortals do. If we could all live forever most people would still watch sports, most people would still go to work everyday, most people would still get married then divorced then remarried. People haven't changed a great deal over the last few centuries, still requiring the basic necessities of food/water/shelter. But in this day and in this age we are so long in the tooth when lifestyle is concerned that if these basic necessities no longer applied, if we didn't need to eat or drink or keep ourselves from the cold, we would continue to do so out of habit more than anything else. Its how our parents lived and their parents and their ancestors and so on. People don't change unless they have to and even then its begrudgingly.

At the root of We Can't Die is people's need to continue on just as we do now, though their behavior becomes slightly irregular. Young people will still intoxicate themselves though their methods will become more drastic. People will still diet but their eating habits (or lack thereof) will become more extreme. And people will still choose to die; because its easier to give up and give in rather than give more than minimal requirement.

And if you're interested, here's some of the technical bits from We Can't Die's Preface:

At the beginning of each scene are descriptive notes concerning the environment in which they take place. These are meant more as guidelines to atmosphere rather than literal scenic requirements. Stage decor is always based on budgetary restraints and in no way are these descriptions meant as a necessity for the scene; they're there to let you know what kind of place the characters are in rather than give you a headache trying to assemble props to follow my notes to a T.

Creative casting will ensure as minimal a number as possible of actors/actresses are needed for this production. Grandma can be a man dressed as an old woman, Priest can be the same man in a cheap fake beard, and the same actor can play one of the frat boys. Number of characters is more of a wardrobe issue, not an issue of casting. If you have a great deal of people at your disposal then by all means cast one person per role. But most plays aren't able to have a great deal of performers and therefore all the actors/actresses can assume multiple roles. Character descriptions were written by me with this in mind.

We now come to a trilogy of plays, again meant to go on the same bill. I became a fan of genre plays simply because you don't see them or even hear of them often enough and therefore I wanted to write a few. So Überman vs. The Therapist is my superhero play, The Wizard in the Woods of the Woods my fantasy, and The Population of the Moon my sci fi entry. If you read any of the plays in this collection you should probably read those three.

Überman vs. The Therapist began as an idea for a short (5-8 pages) comic book script wherein the title character would look back over his years of heroism through flashbacks, each flashback would be illustrated in a style specific to the Ages of comic books; one style each for the Golden, Silver and Dark Ages. But short form comic books really aren't that great of an idea for someone who cannot draw and has never been published in the comic field. I really liked the idea though, so I never let it slip far from my mind. When it came time to start writing short plays Überman never ceased to be a reliable idea for the format.

The Wizard of the Woods has a direct connection to a conversation I once had with a Harry Potter fan. I was attempting to describe to her the difference between a fantastical reality and the really real world. I used as example the notion of a young hero setting off on a noble task to save the realm. Now, a common element of fantasy stories has the young hero searching for and finding a wizened teacher secluded in the wilderness who will instruct the hero on the ways of combat, the history of the conflict threatening the land, philosophical morals, etc. In my argument I related the fact that most men, males of the really real world, if secluded in the wilderness for decades having never seen another human being in all the years of his isolation, he would probably be too busy trying to molest the young hero to teach him anything. And thus The Wizard of the Woods was born, and along with it a great euphemism.

The Population of the Moon began as an idea for homemade comic books. I had planned on doing 6-8 page mini comics and distributing copies to local comic shops to give away for free. Just wanted to entertain people vs. trying to make a living off mini comics. Needless to say none of those comics were ever drawn. I'm just too slow and too bad at drawing to want to do it enough to illustrate even a mini comic. So again, idea stuck around and when it came time to write some plays I wrote it as one. It quickly grew into the longest play of the genre trilogy. Wow, that was a really boring story about this play. Aren't you glad you stuck around for its entirety?

While writing We Can't Die I began to be bogged down simply from its writing. I decided a diversion was in order and thus at the intermission point of We Can't Die I wrote The Three Demons of Magus Demetrius Ellingsworth IV. To me this little short play is nothing but fun and is meant to be produced on as minimal a budget as possible. The less money dumped into this play, the more enjoyable it would be.
Oenone
ACT ONE

Opens in a field on Mt. Ida.

Paris enters from left.

PARIS

What a wonderful day! The sun shines brightly, the weather is warm and even the animals seem to have harmony amongst us people. Life here is so pleasant. The shepherds of Mt. Ida have never been anything but loving towards me. Each and every one greets me kindly with every meeting. No matter rain or snow they always seem in high spirits with great love for the gods who inhabit Olympus. They dutifully perform the rites handed to them by their fathers and their fathers before them. And so this is the way it has been for as long as they all can remember. So why do I feel so out of place here?

Why is it that I do not share in the harmony that inhabits this lovely land? My feelings of isolation have done nothing but grow with my body where I thought that only time was needed to assuage these emotions. But how have they grown! The worst of it is I can speak nothing of these feelings to anyone with whom I share residence here. I have a fear that if I bring my inner thoughts to light and discuss them with anyone I may bring about the ruin of all who live upon Mt. Ida. But still... but still it feels as though this is my task. That somehow it has been predetermined for me to bring ruin to those who love me. Worse still, I can speak none of this to my wife, Oenone.

She is a tender creature who loves me with all her heart. She is by far the fairest of all the women I have seen walking the valleys of this land. Oenone must know nothing of what rages in my mind. Here I live in this most beautiful land, married to Oenone who will never fault me and yet I still have such strong feelings of being out of place! Even with Oenone it feels there is something else out there for me.

OENONE (OFF STAGE LEFT)

Paris?!

PARIS

That is the voice of my wife. I must seem just as pleasant and content with my life here as she. These thoughts of mine she could never fathom in her mind, already filled as it is with such joys. She is numbered with those I feel estranged from. Perhaps there was a time when I felt differently. But if once I did it was long ago and has passed from my memory.

Oenone enters from left.

OENONE

Paris! There you are. What have you been doing here amongst the trees and the animals?

PARIS

Merely thinking of my love for you, sweet wife. Draw near me so that I may gaze upon your beauty.

OENONE

Paris, such sweet words fall from your tongue.

Oenone embraces Paris, kissing him. He pulls away slightly and it is Oenone who kisses him a second time; Paris inspects her with open eyes during second kiss. They finally separate.

PARIS

What will the beasts of the forest think of such open affections?

OENONE

I care little for what the speechless beasts of this valley think. Even if they found words to express themselves they would only shout praises at the sight of such love between two living creatures.

PARIS

Of course that's what they would say.

OENONE

My only wish is that everyone could feel my love for you. If they could it would bring such happiness to all who experienced it.

PARIS

(almost disappointingly)

You do care for me so Oenone.

OENONE

So, what shall the day hold for us?

PARIS

My day will consist of laying about these glorious fields while I slumber away the evening sun. What does your day hold for you?

OENONE

I was hoping you and I could do something together. It seems you toil away in these fields daily only in attempt to avoid me.

PARIS

Nothing is further from the truth. It relaxes me greatly to be within the forests, nothing more. It allows me time to dream of my beautiful wife while she prepares my feast for me.

OENONE

Think you only of your meals?

PARIS

My thoughts are always on you, my love.

OENONE

(looking lovingly to Paris)

Paris. My Paris. Will your love for me last forever?

PARIS

(looking uncomfortable)

My love for you will be as strong in eternity as it is now.

OENONE

Paris.

Oenone exits left.

Paris watches her go.

PARIS

How long am I to hide these feelings of mine? I cannot tell Oenone that I've never loved her. Am I to crush her because I made the mistake of letting her love me? Never did I once show her I had such affections for her, but I realize not telling her differently is what brought those feelings about in her. Why must people love most the one that will never return that love?

But what else was I to do? A man such as I has needs. Not merely a need for carnal pleasures but that of companionship as well. Even though I lack love for Oenone she still warms me at night when my feelings of isolation haunt me most. When I feel truly alone she is always there to comfort me. I know she'll never leave me. Oh! How shallow this existence of mine! But what else am I to do?

Paris lies against a tree (stage left) and drifts into sleep. Lights are brought down stage left.

Enter the goddesses Aphrodite, Athena and Hera from right.

HERA

Really, why would Zeus not make this decision himself? Such an idiot!

ATHENA

Mind your tongue against speaking of my father in such a way.

APHRODITE

It is no better speaking in such a way about your husband, Hera.

HERA

(ignoring Aphrodite)

Leave your threats for those whom they bring about fear in, Athena. I shall speak as I will.

APHRODITE

Let us argue no longer. We are here at our appointed place to let the choice be made.

HERA

The both of you may leave now as you like. It is my beauty that will win me the title of fairest among the gods.

APHRODITE

That apple is mine! There is no greater beauty than in love and I am the embodiment of that beauty. I am a muse of poets and artists having no rival in terms of sheer affection.

ATHENA

You also inspire a love that drives the unfortunate to madness. These poets and artists you feel so proudly in inspiring are the same who die in lonely beds or walk to Hades' realm long before their time by cause of death brought about by their own hand. I fail to see beauty in the misleadings that come about because of you.

APHRODITE

(to Athena)

So you think yourself more fitting for winning this title we three strive for?

HERA

(sarcastically to Athena)

I, for one, find great beauty in warfare and the grand scale letting of blood which you inspire.

ATHENA

(to Hera)

Do you think yourself the fairest of us three because you spend your days punishing the mistresses of an unsatisfied husband?

HERA

How dare you speak to me that way?!

ATHENA

I am simply stating the fact that my father is driven to the beds of other women because of a wife who fails to offer adequate reason for him to sleep in his own.

Hera is about to explode with anger.

Aphrodite steps between the two goddesses.

APHRODITE

Enough of this. Let us find Paris and be rid of this game.

HERA

To think: the almighty Zeus is unable to make the simple decision of who is the fairest among we three goddesses. How much easier could it be? There is an apple on a table at a wedding that is to be given to the fairest of all Olympians, three goddesses dispute who should receive the fruit, thus Zeus is consulted and he pushes the judgment onto a mortal!

ATHENA

Would you stop sulking about that which has already transpired? We need to only find Paris and we will be rid of all this strife.

APHRODITE

However, Hera does raise a good point. How can a mortal truly judge the beauty of a goddess? How can a mortal judge between three goddesses? I do not think it possible.

ATHENA

Yes, I do suppose you are right. Paris really would have no frame of reference in the matter.

HERA

So what are we to do?

APHRODITE

I have a solution. We must appeal to his more human wants. Let us all offer him something and let him decide which suits his liking best.

ATHENA

That does make sense. Whatever prize he chooses would be offered by the goddess that is able to give it. Yes. He should judge not our beauty but the beauty of what we embody.

APHRODITE

It is decided then?

HERA

Yes. But should we tell each other our petitions?

Lights are brought up on Paris.

APHRODITE

Look, there is Paris. We shall hear everyone's offerings once rather than twice.

Aphrodite leads the three goddesses across stage to sleeping Paris.

HERA

Awaken mortal!

Paris awakens. His face twists into awe at the sight before him. He bows humbly before the goddesses.

PARIS

Never have I seen such splendor, and can barely gaze upon it. Truly you must be goddesses!

ATHENA

You are correct Paris. It is I, Athena.

APHRODITE

And Aphrodite.

HERA

And Hera, wife of the mighty Zeus. Rise Paris. We have come to you on this day to offer you great things.

Paris rises to his feet still taken aback at the presence of divinity.

PARIS

Great things? What ever did I do to deserve such graciousness?

APHRODITE

One does not need to do great deeds to be rewarded for living a fitting existence.

HERA

What we are offering, Paris, is a choice. Each of us has something for you and you must decide which offer you find most to your liking.

ATHENA

Firstly I, Athena, offer you victory in war against the Greeks. The Trojans have long been plagued by the Greeks who wish to conquer the walls of Ilium and slay all who reside therein. King Agamemnon sits in Mycenae this very moment awaiting an excuse to attack. He has sat in peace for far too great a time by his reckoning. Warfare is what he craves and soon he shall find reason enough to sail ships to your banks. Choose me and you will lead a great nation to its greatest victory. Choose me and you will reap the benefits of a conquest wrought by your hand alone. The Trojans will drown you in a love customarily reserved for entire armies. Paris, you will forever sit in the histories of Troy as their greatest hero.

PARIS

Leading an entire nation to victory against its greatest threat. My memory would linger in these parts for hundreds of years to come.

ATHENA

Thousands of years. You will cause great waves of change in the destiny of this world and all who inhabit it. Until humanity itself withers and dies those changes you inflict will be felt. You can alter everything simply by choosing me.

PARIS

Would the changes be towards the worse or the better?

ATHENA

There is always both ill and favorable in this world, Paris. Yet choose me, and all will look upon you with favor; a favor only known by the denizens of Mt. Olympus.

HERA

Do not decide yet, young Paris. You still have my offer to consider.

ATHENA

Which is?

HERA

Troy is only one nation. But I offer you all the nations of man from where you stand now to as far as you can see and further still. I offer you kingship of all nations that you know and those in which you do not. There are lands I offer you that are so distant you shall never even know their name, yet still you will rule them. Power you have never dreamt of is what I propose should you choose me.

PARIS

Will my memory linger for years to come?

HERA

Of course! You will be known as the most powerful king in history.

PARIS

Will all the nations look upon me as lovingly as Troy, should I choose Athena's offer?

HERA

Favoritism is not a required trait for one who would hold as much power as you. If you were to travel for months in any direction you would still find yourself in a land under your control. History is quick to forget any minor transgressions that may occur.

PARIS

And if my transgressions are great?

HERA

Then only more time would be required to mend the historians' opinion of your rule.

APHRODITE

That leaves only my offer to Paris.

ATHENA

What could you possibly offer Paris that would be greater than what has already been laid before him?

APHRODITE

Paris, the two goddesses before me have made grand presentations of their prizes to you because they know I can offer you something that far out-weighs their gifts to you. It is my wish to respect your intellect and leave my words brief. I offer you the most beautiful woman in the world.

Paris is silent for a moment as his mind raps around the image her mere mention has invoked.

PARIS

Helen?

APHRODITE

Helen: wife of Menelaus, queen of Sparta, the most beautiful woman living today. And I offer her to you.

PARIS

But... but how?

APHRODITE

How? I am the goddess of love. Think you that Helen's hand would not be yours if I willed it?

PARIS

Helen of Sparta would be mine?

APHRODITE

That is my offer.

PARIS

May I have a moment to make my decision?

HERA

Take as long as you need to decide.

Paris steps away from the goddesses.

ATHENA

(to Aphrodite)

Have you any idea what you have done?!

APHRODITE

What ever do you mean?

ATHENA

Do you realize what will happen if Paris chooses you?

APHRODITE

Certainly! I will be judged fairest among the Olympians making me the most beautiful creature in all creation.

ATHENA

You foolish little girl! If you take Helen from Menelaus war is inevitable. Menelaus will form an army like no other ever formed and there will be a great war between the Greeks and the Trojans.

APHRODITE

How does that differ from what you offered Paris?

ATHENA

If Paris chooses me it will mean a golden age for Troy. The battle will be quick and decisive with as few casualties as possible. If Paris chooses you it means ill war. Hatred will rule through both encampments leaving victory for either side hollow. There is only folly in your promise to him.

HERA

You worry over trivialities. Paris will choose me and this little risk will come to nothing.

ATHENA

(to Hera)

You are confident he will choose you?

HERA

The choice between the most beautiful woman in the world and the ability to have as many women at beck and call as one desires is no choice at all. Especially since carnality is but one privilege afforded him should he choose me.

ATHENA

And what of my offer to him?

HERA

Please. Paris would be choosing between godliness from one nation and power over countless nations. Only a fool would choose the most beautiful mortal to inhabit earth or the worship of but one nation when given the third choice of power over more lands than any other being in history without having to lift a sword.

APHRODITE

We shall see who he chooses.

ATHENA

I would rather Paris chose Hera over you. I would rather be declared most wretched among the gods and goddesses than to have the kind of war that will occur if Helen were taken from Menelaus.

Paris approaches the goddesses.

PARIS

I have reached my decision.

APHRODITE

Now we shall see.

ATHENA

Do you really wish to win so badly that you would sacrifice the lives of thousands? Tens of thousands? Hundreds of thousands stretched over years of battlement?

APHRODITE

If the stakes were not so high what is the pleasure in competing at all?

ATHENA

Hera, you must agree with me?

PARIS

Is something the matter?

ATHENA

Give us a moment.

Athena leads the other two goddesses by the arm a few paces from Paris.

APHRODITE

What are you doing?

ATHENA

Hera, listen to me. We must forfeit this terrible game.

HERA

Forfeit?! Are you mad?

ATHENA

I would rather submit the title of fairest to Aphrodite to avoid even the chance of what will happen should she be declared victor.

HERA

Just because you know you have already lost does not mean you can talk me into forfeiting so that you may say we two lost for a great cause.

ATHENA

You know as well as I what will happen should Aphrodite be chosen.

HERA

I know full well what will happen and I tell you I do not care. Hera will not submit so that you may hold your head high among those you call peers. I am confident that Paris will choose me. So confident that Aphrodite could have offered my head to him and I would not fear his decision.

APHRODITE

Athena will you end your protests?

ATHENA

I will not! If you win -

APHRODITE

(shouting across to Paris)

Paris! So tell us, what is your judgment?

Paris crosses to goddesses.

PARIS

You all offer me such grand gifts for which I am unworthy. It was a very difficult choice but I have made it.

HERA

And?

PARIS

I choose Helen, the most beautiful woman in the world.

APHRODITE

Splendid!

ATHENA

No! This is terrible!

HERA

You idiot! You could have had Helen if you chose me. How small-minded you little mortals are! Come Athena let us go.

ATHENA

Do you know what this means?

HERA

It means I have lost and the entirety of mankind are morons. Stay if you like, for I need not your company in my travels.

Hera exits right.

ATHENA

Aphrodite, you shall pay for this insult upon humanity. I promise you. Act the clueless princess to all you like but I know you have full knowledge of what you have done here.

APHRODITE

I do know what will happen.

(stepping away from Paris with Athena)

There will be a great war that will last for years to come and be remembered throughout history for its size and far-reaching implications. You speak of these things as if I am unaware of them but I know completely what I have set in motion today. I tell you I do not care.

Let the insignificant creatures slaughter each other for reasons that have nothing to do them. Such is all wars, fought by those who slay in the name of others; kings they shall never meet, queens whom shall never give thanks, princes that spit upon them for sport.

ATHENA

Aphrodite -

APHRODITE

Don't 'Aphrodite' me. I know what I have done and I feel no remorse for it. Return to Olympus and take your broken pride with you.

ATHENA

You are a truly evil being.

APHRODITE

That may be so but at least my evil shall spawn entertainment for the gods and goddesses of Olympus for years and years to come.

ATHENA

You are a pathetic thing. I take my leave of you.

Athena exits right.

APHRODITE

Sore loser.

Aphrodite crosses to Paris.

PARIS

What was that about?

APHRODITE

Nothing you should concern yourself with, Paris. We have greater plans to form, you and I.

PARIS

What do you speak of? Is Helen not yet mine?

APHRODITE

I promised you Helen and Helen is what you shall have. But she is still queen of Sparta and she is still wed to Sparta's king, Menelaus. We must strategize how best for her to leave her unhappiness for you.

PARIS

She is unhappy?

APHRODITE

How would you feel if your father forced you into a marriage to someone you cared nothing for?

PARIS

I do know what that feels like. In my own way at least.

APHRODITE

(with mockery in her voice)

Did people compete for your affections in contests of valor? Was the strength of your might the precursor for whom you wed?

PARIS

No. But I was forced into marriage with my wife.

APHRODITE

Trust me Paris you were forced into nothing. You wed Oenone by your own accord. Because you had no better choice at hand does not place you in the same predicament as Helen.

PARIS

As you will.

APHRODITE

These things are unimportant! There is a much greater task at hand and considering the things you have given up in order to achieve your goal I would pay attention if I were you.

PARIS

My apologies. Please, tell me how I am to acquire the hand of Helen.

APHRODITE

It is a task less difficult than you probably think.

PARIS

Have you a plan of action?

APHRODITE

A rather simple one if you will hear it. You are to take the greatest sea vessel you can find among the inhabitants of Mt. Ida. Make sure you take it at a time when all the crew will be aboard so they may sail under your command.

PARIS

How do I convince them to do that?

APHRODITE

I will convince them, you need not worry. You need only to do the part of securing the vessel itself and I shall guarantee you its crew's loyalty.

PARIS

And then what?

APHRODITE

Then sail to Sparta. Seek out Menelaus and he shall receive you. Stay with him until he has need to embark and he will leave you in his home with full trust.

PARIS

But how am I to win his trust in so short a time? And furthermore, how can I reside in his home long enough for him to leave me there?

APHRODITE

I'll make him love you as a son and I know already that a member of his family lay on his deathbed. Just when you have acquired his trust he will need to go bury his deceased kin and you will then have prime opportunity to make leave with Helen.

PARIS

But where shall I take her?

APHRODITE

Sail to Troy, of course. There you will find open arms among the royal family of Ilium. Trust me.

PARIS

And all this will work?

APHRODITE

How else would you expect to acquire Helen?

PARIS

Good! Your plan strikes me well, goddess of love. The more I hear your soft words the happier I am of my judgment. When shall we begin? I am ready now.

APHRODITE

There is something you must do first.

PARIS

What could that possibly be? There is nothing on Mt. Ida that should cause me to await this undertaking of ours.

APHRODITE

Oenone.

PARIS

What of her?

APHRODITE

You must tell her you are leaving.

PARIS

Why must I do that? Let her think me taken by the beasts of the forest and it shall please her more. It is better that she thinks me missing than to tell her she is being left behind for a woman I have never met.

APHRODITE

Be that as it may I still consider her a child of mine. She loves you deeply and she deserves to hear your explanation.

PARIS

She will never believe three goddesses visited me..

APHRODITE

She will believe you concerning our presence. What she will not believe is that you are leaving her.

PARIS

All the more reason she should not hear it from my lips.

OENONE (OFF STAGE LEFT)

Paris?!

APHRODITE

All the more reason she should. Now you listen to me, mortal. Do all these things I tell you and Helen is yours. The work I ask you to perform is nothing compared to the reward awaiting you. Now, Oenone approaches as we speak. Be gentle with her Paris. And remember; Helen awaits you and you shall have her. This I promise you.

Aphrodite exits right.

Only panicked seconds for Paris pass before Oenone enters from left.

OENONE

(faux cordiality)

Paris, I have come to announce that your meal awaits you.

PARIS

A what?

OENONE

(embracing Paris)

A meal fit for a king. This is what I offer you, cherished lover.

PARIS

(pulling away from Oenone)

We must talk you and I.

OENONE

My my Paris, aren't we the stern one today. I know of ways to ease your tension if you will allow it.

PARIS

I do not speak of your healing arts.

OENONE

(seductively)

Neither do I.

PARIS

Listen to me Oenone.

(thinks for a moment)

Why is it that you love me?

OENONE

What sort of question is that?

PARIS

Just answer. Why do you love me?

OENONE

Why does the sun shine daily? Why does old age take mortal flesh with the passage of time? These are the same kind of questions you ask me now.

PARIS

(irritated)

Will you simply answer my question rather than posing questions of your own?

OENONE

What is it you wish to hear?

PARIS

I wish to hear the answer to my question.

OENONE

I love you because I do. From the first moment we met I knew you would be my greatest love. After meeting you all others seemed so... plain. Through my love for you I have been shown that there really is happiness to be had in this world. Every thought I had I felt you shared with me.

Daily can I gaze upon you and my contentment with life is renewed again. I would submit anything, down to my very life, if you willed it. But I know you would not ask such a thing because of your own love for me.

PARIS

Have you been so consumed with the idealism of your love for me that you overlook my lack of love for you?

Oenone is wholly caught off guard.

OENONE

Lack of love?

PARIS

Oenone, you have always had an idea of what love should be but you are mistaken. There is no such thing as true love.

Love is defined by the level of tolerance one has for another. So blind you have been with these false emotions that you could not even notice that I truly do not love you.

Oenone is shattered.

OENONE

You... you do not love me?

PARIS

No. I do not.

Oenone begins to weep.

OENONE

Then why did you wed me?

PARIS

Because I knew you loved me.

OENONE

That was then only reason?

PARIS

I knew you longed for me and you are a lovely creature. Because I knew you would never leave or wrong me. It is a mistake to think you love someone as much as you think you love me, no matter the circumstances.

OENONE

I do not think I love you, Paris. I know that I do.

PARIS

With a love found only in books, poems and song. Do you still not realize that love does not exist? That is why artists paint their paintings of love and writers write of their longing for such a love. The concept you have of your emotions are sought after so strongly and never found because they do not exist. When you were young you were told of this possibility of a perfect love and you grew up thinking it so. But those who mislead children to pacify them told you these tales.

OENONE

My mother spoke to me of love as a child. She told me I would meet someone who would fill my every thought. Someone whose desires I would desire to fulfill.

PARIS

Your mother told you this?

OENONE

My mother would never lie to me.

PARIS

I have no doubt of that. But she was merely hoping you would find some higher level of companionship she could not.

OENONE

My mother loves me and I return that love. What does this do to your theory that love does not exist?

PARIS

You speak of the only love that does exist, though it is not the love you think you have for me. The only love there is resides between a mother and her child. Love is alive only in the power of creation. Your mother gave you life. She created you, therefore love is possible between you two.

OENONE

If the only love there is resides in a mother's heart then how are men to love?

PARIS

We do not. That is the folly of men. We cannot love a mate so we long for the love of a mother but within that of another woman. So men have created works of art to try and compensate for this deficiency but it is always in vain. Men cannot create life so we conquer and explore new lands. We cause wars and disputes through our search for an unobtainable affection. Men cannot love as women do. It is a terrible thing but we do lack the ability for it.

OENONE

How do you explain my 'supposed' love for you, then?

PARIS

By very lack of affection on my part. You sought me out and I appealed to you for whatever reasons. When you began falling in love with me it was obvious. I knew how you felt and the fact you felt so strongly feelings I could not return I was made to care less for you. By that time you cared so much for me that you blamed yourself for my deficiency of love. So you tried harder to make me love you, which only repelled me more from your feelings.

OENONE

(bursting out)

Then why did you not say something?! Why did you let my feelings grow while the very thought of them sickened you?

PARIS

Because I was lonely. Because, though men cannot love, we still have need for a wife. I thought I was to live forever on Mt. Ida and I did not wish to do that alone. Even with the knowledge that I am born with the inability to love I still held out hope that I would grow to love you. We have been together for long enough to prove to me it is not possible.

OENONE

Why have you stayed with me so long if you knew love would be impossible?

PARIS

Have you heard nothing I have said? Was I to leave you for another? Was I to end one useless attempt at love for another? For whom would I leave you for, a shepherd's daughter?

OENONE

Why do you tell me these things now?

PARIS

Because now I am leaving you.

Oenone begins to sob uncontrollably.

OENONE

Paris...

Paris attempts to embrace Oenone but she pushes him away.

PARIS

Please do not cry so for one so undeserving.

OENONE

Why?!

PARIS

There are others out there for you.

OENONE

No! Why are you leaving?

PARIS

You would not believe me were I to tell you.

OENONE

I deserve to know the cause of my pain.

PARIS

Your pain is caused by the revelation of our inability to love one another.

(Oenone sobs more loudly angering Paris.)

Would you stop?! This behavior is incredibly infantile.

OENONE

Tell me why you are going.

PARIS

I am going so I may execute the will of the gods.

OENONE

The gods would not permit me to be hurt in such a way.

PARIS

The gods are not hurting you. You are hurting yourself.

OENONE

What makes you think the gods will you to leave me?

PARIS

Three goddesses appeared to me as I lay here sleeping. They each offered me prizes yet I could choose only one. I have chosen the most beautiful woman in the world as my reward. Helen of Sparta is to be mine by the will of Aphrodite herself.

Oenone laughs feebly.

OENONE

You do not believe in love so you are putting your trust in the goddess of love?

PARIS

I place my faith in her because she knows of the things in which I speak. Only the imbecilic can 'love' for they are too stupid to realize the truths I have laid before you.

OENONE

It is a sad man who thinks himself unable to love. Do you wish to find it with Helen?

PARIS

I do not. I merely wish to have her beauty for my own.

OENONE

So you leave me for Helen of Sparta?

PARIS

As soon as we have finished.

OENONE

Have you more to say?

Paris calms himself.

PARIS

I do not.

OENONE

Then go retrieve your prize Paris, but know: love does truly exist and only the imbecilic thinks otherwise. Perhaps one day you will learn this.

PARIS

Perhaps one day I will be proven wrong, but I doubt this will ever occur. It would take a hundred lifetimes to convince me of love's existence.

OENONE

A hundred lifetimes to learn something even a child can fathom. I feel sympathy for you Paris. Go to your beautiful woman. Let her cook your meals and bare your children.

PARIS

I did not mean to hurt you Oenone.

OENONE

Then perhaps you should not have allowed me to love you. Goodbye Paris.

PARIS

Goodbye Oenone.

Paris looks to Oenone for a moment before exiting left.

OENONE

Aphrodite... Aphrodite, why have you allowed me to be wounded so? You have caused me pain that I am never to recover from. I appeal to you now in hopes of retribution. If a heart exists within you please grant me a prize of my own. My wish is that Paris does find love. But I wish he feels the bitter sting of rejection that I feel now. I want him deceived as I was so that he may learn what love really is. If he were to feel half the pain I feel now he will think better of forsaking me. Please grant me this wish to replace my faith that the gods of Olympus truly are just.

Black out.

MIDPOINT

The years pass by.

Centered on stage is Oenone, narrating the passage of time.

OENONE

And now the years pass.

There was a part of me, in the beginning, that thought he would come back. How could Paris be speaking the truth about seeing not one but three goddesses? To think, one of them promised him the most beautiful woman in the world! The first year of Paris' departure passed me in this way. Each night I went to sleep so sure that he would return. His memory was the last thing I thought of as sleep took me. So sure I was that upon waking he would be lying next to me in our bed. Paris filled the entirety of my dreams in those days. But each morning I awoke with the sun to find my bed empty save for me. Each time a knock sounded at my door my heart leapt, so sure I was that Paris would be on the other side. 'Why do you knock? This has always been your home, and mine.' That is what I would have told him if ever he was the one knocking. Every time someone called my name from afar I convinced myself it was Paris returning to me. But it never was.

By the second year my family was a very familiar face in my home. They worried I may do something that would disgrace them and myself. They worried I would end my life. But I told them all I would never do such a thing.

What would Paris think when he returned to find me dead by my own hand? My family would only look upon me with sadness when I told them these words. They knew he would never return. No matter how I tried to convince them otherwise I received only the same response from them. Always their pity and sympathies.

By the fifth year I was nothing but apathetic. If he returned or if he did not was of no consequence to me. My love for Paris has died.' I told myself in the seventh year of his absence. By this time news of the war had become old news. We all knew what part Paris had played in starting it but I did not care. It was in that seventh year I composed a letter to him. It was not until I had read the words that I had written did I realize that I loved him still. For all the pain he had caused me I still loved him above all others. I knew for sure by the eighth year that my love for him would never end.

In the ninth year I grew weary of this love for such a wretched man. Yet I knew that only a pitiful woman would love one such as he. I began trying to live life with the knowledge that he was never coming home. Knowing I could never again know love and happiness even if he did return I lived my life to the best of my ability. Each day passed quickly, as if drunk on the wine of Dionysus. Everything passed me by and I cared not. I was merely counting the days until death would release me from this terrible existence of longing and loneliness

And in the tenth year of his absence, Paris returned to me.

Blackout.

ACT TWO

Outside Oenone's Home.

Three soldiers enter from left. Two of them carry a stretcher with Paris lying upon it. Paris wails in pain from the arrow protruding out of his chest. The two soldiers lay him down midstage and reconvene with the third soldier who is obviously their commanding officer.

SOLDIER 2

(to 1)

Sir, he seems much pained. Should we give him something for sleep?

SOLDIER 1

Here.

Soldier 1 produces an herb from his pouch.

SOLDIER 1

This is the last of what the physician gave us.

2 takes herb from 1 and goes to Paris. 2 administers the the herb and Paris' wailing drifts away as he drifts to sleep. 2 returns to other soldiers.

SOLDIER 3

I am surprised it has lasted the entire journey here.

SOLDIER 1

As am I. I am also quite surprised the doctors of Troy could do nothing for him. The Trojan doctors are some of the greatest in the land. Surely they could have done more for Paris.

SOLDIER 2

I was surprised that when they could do no more Paris asked to be brought here. What is this place?

SOLDIER 3

(disregarding 2)

Mt. Ida is a strange place for this supposed 'healer' of his.

SOLDIER 1

Strange indeed. But this was the request of the prince thus here we stand.

SOLDIER 3

I still think we should have tarried in the woods and allowed him die in misery. Such a painful death is too small a punishment for the strife he brought with him to Troy but it would be a better feeling than attempting to aid him. The walls of Ilium could have done without him and his Spartan bride.

SOLDIER 2

How could you wish such misery upon anyone?

SOLDIER 3

You are obviously too young to remember that he is the reason for this war.

SOLDIER 1

He is not too young to remember. He only has too much sympathy for someone who has brought about the death of countless Trojans.

SOLDIER 2

I simply think that no one is deserving of such pain in death.

SOLDIER 3

Then we should cut his throat and make an end of this!

SOLDIER 1

He is still your prince and will be respected as such.

SOLDIER 3

Even though he is solely responsible for the Greeks sailing to Troy bringing death with them? The remains of my brother were burned only last week and yet here I am trying to save the life of the one who killed him.

SOLDIER 2

Paris did not kill your brother, a Greek's spear fell him. And whom has Paris killed?

SOLDIER 3

It was the arrows of Apollo that sent Achilles to his doom not the arrows of a coward's bow.

SOLDIER 1

You are only here because of the death you have suffered. Would you rather be fighting the Greeks still in your time of mourning?

SOLDIER 3

I would rather be finishing what Philoctetes began.

SOLDIER 1

Look, I loathe Paris as much as you but he is still a prince of Troy. Trojan princes are becoming a little scarce as of late.

SOLDIER 2

Poor Hector. If only Paris could have killed Achilles sooner.

SOLDIER 3

Hector... there was a worthy prince of Troy! He may have lost the fight but he faced down Achilles alone, with no army to aid him. Any less a warrior than Hector would not even have had the chance to lift his sword before Achilles laid him low.

SOLDIER 1

Hector was a valiant fighter and loved by all. It is a shame Paris were not half the man his brother was.

SOLDIER 3

Then why bring him here? Why have we taken him to his healer while we all wish him dead?

(referring to 2)

Even this soft woman here wishes him dead.

1 looks to 2. 2 nods in agreement with 3.

SOLDIER 1

What do you propose.

SOLDIER 3

I propose we take him from Mt. Ida to where no human has tread ground and I propose we set him out for the scavengers to devour. I also propose we take the pleasure of watching the crows fight for his eyes while the dogs rip the flesh from his bones.

SOLDIER 2

And then?

SOLDIER 3

And then we go back to Troy and tell them all that Paris did not make the journey. They will crown us heroes for being present at the end of this wretched beast's life.

SOLDIER 2

But that would not bring peace to Troy.

SOLDIER 1

At this point only victory would bring peace to Troy.

SOLDIER 3

What if we were to give them Helen back?

SOLDIER 1

Within the first few years of the war it may have ended the fighting.

SOLDIER 2

The Greeks have fought too long to leave us unconquered. Nothing will stop them now.

SOLDIER 3

What if we were to find favor among the gods?

SOLDIER 1

If the gods willed it this war would already be over. No, they are enjoying themselves as much as the Greeks when all this began. Now even the Greeks tire of our lands as their years go by them while the ageless in Olympus wish this war to continue forever.

SOLDIER 2

Must you speak so badly of the gods? How could they want this war to continue?

SOLDIER 3

It entertains them, do you not see? They must find immortality uneventful so they have

set this war in motion to pass their endless days.

Solider 1 looks around.

SOLDIER 1

Where is this healer we must meet?

SOLDIER 2

The townspeople told us she would be along shortly.

SOLDIER 3

By the look on their faces I doubt they wished Paris' return to Mt. Ida anymore than we welcomed his arrival in Troy.

SOLDIER 2

They were pleased to see him were they?

SOLDIER 3

There were smiles on some of the faces to see him wounded so badly. I swear it. Paris is hated no matter where he goes. Let us make an end of him now for the betterment of us all.

SOLDIER 1

You know we should not take his life.

SOLDIER 3

I know we should not. But cannot is a different matter.

3 draws his dagger.

SOLDIER 2

What are you doing?!

SOLDIER 3

I am -

SOLDIER 1

(drawing his sword)

He is putting his dagger away and acting sensibly. Let me ask you; if Paris is so hated among the people of this world then who would willingly heal him?

SOLDIER 3

The healer we have brought him to.

SOLDIER 1

Do not make me spill your blood because of Paris' abominable life. He will be dead in days and enough men have been laid low by his deeds. Now put your dagger away and let us be friends again. I promise you we shall be laughing about this moment over Paris' rotting corpse.

SOLDIER 3

You really believe that?

SOLDIER 1

How long have you served under me?

SOLDIER 3

Eight years, sir.

SOLDIER 1

After eight years of warring with the Greeks you still live because?

3 puts away his dagger.

SOLDIER 3

I have always followed your orders.

SOLDIER 1

Good lad.

(1 puts away his sword.)

Now let us wait in silence for this healer. If she is anything like everyone else in this world she will turn him away and that will be the end of it.

Oenone enters from right.

SOLDIER 1

Pardon. Are you the healer we seek?

OENONE

I am.

Oenone walks over to and inspects the sleeping Paris' wound.

OENONE

This is the wounded I take it.

SOLDIER 3

Did the arrow in his chest throw you off?

SOLDIER 1

If you do not hold your tongue she shall be healing you as well.

OENONE

(referring to Paris)

Who is this man?

SOLDIER 2

This is Paris, a prince of Troy.

OENONE

A prince is he?

SOLDIER 2

Do you not know of what has befallen Troy these past ten years?

OENONE

Only fragments of stories. I am rather isolated high atop Mt. Ida. Information concerning other lands rarely reaches me. Tell me of the troubles that plague the Trojans.

SOLDIER 1

Troy has come to hard times as of late thanks to the man that lays dying before you.

SOLDIER 2

Can you not heal him while we speak of it?

OENONE

He will live long enough for me to hear your tale.

SOLDIER 2

But he is suffering.

OENONE

He is sleeping.

SOLDIER 3

Let him suffer a while longer. It will do him good.

OENONE

Please sirs, your tale.

SOLDIER 1

What I tell you is some rumor and some truth. Being that you seem capable of deciding one from the other I will tell you all as they happened. Paris is a prince of Troy. Upon his birth an oracle told his father, King Priam, that Paris would bring about the fall of Troy. How right that prediction has been thus far! When Priam heard the prophecy he chose to send Paris away, rather than have him killed, to this place where he would be raised by shepherds where he could do no harm. While he resided on Mt. Ida he was visited by three goddesses who promised him the most beautiful woman in the world, Helen of Sparta. She was, however, wed to King Menelaus.

Paris went to Sparta and lodged with Menelaus earning his trust. While Paris was in his home Menelaus received news of a death in his family and he sailed to Crete for the funeral rites. Paris took the opportunity offered him by the gods and spirited Helen away to Troy. When he reached Troy he made bid to his father for protection. Paris knew nothing of his royal heritage or the prophecy. Priam himself was unaware that the grown man before him was his son until the realization of what was then set into motion. The king of Troy wished to send them both away or have them killed but his advisers knew better. The moment Helen set foot inside the walls of Ilium it marked the city for war against the Greeks.

We prepared best we could for the onslaught and have thus far have fared well enough against the massive army Menelaus and his brother Agamemnon sailed to war against Troy. Ten long years of battle we have endured. Many have died and many more suffer. Those who have lost loved ones are great in number and wail daily. This has been the life we Trojans have lead during these long years of warfare. Only recently has great changes occurred between we two armies.

It began with Paris' brother, the great warrior Hector whom all Trojans loved greatly, killing Achilles' friend Patrocles in battle. Achilles, the greatest of all warriors, had declined to fight for the Greeks as of late because of a quarrel with Agamemnon but with the death of his friend he desired retribution. He rode to our walls alone and challenged Hector, Troy's last great defender, to combat. Hector was killed in this battle and dragged away to the Greek encampment. Once the funeral games of Patrocles were at an end theGreeks returned to battle with Achilles. But once they drew close to the walls of Troy Paris, with the aid of Apollo, let loose an arrow that struck Achilles in his heel causing his death. Paris, the most hated man in all of Troy, is responsible for the killing the greatest fighter to ever live. Only one loathed as much as Paris can do such a deed and not be praised above all others. The death of Achilles brought him no love from the Trojans and caused even more hatred for him within the Greek encampment.

So the Greeks sent several of their most trusted fighters to retrieve the bow and arrows of Hercules from Philoctetes. They succeeded and brought Philoctetes himself to war with Troy. Within his first battle Philoctetes sent an arrow flying that found its way into the chest of Paris, who lies before you now. The greatest physicians in Troy toiled for days in attempt to mend his wound. Their hard work proved fruitless and they told Priam his son was beyond their aid. Upon hearing this, Paris requested to be brought here to see you. He told us you were the only one who could heal him and so Priam has sent me to you to save the life of Paris. That is my tale of how we came to stand before you now. Will you help this prince of Troy?

SOLDIER 3

Or will you let him have the death so many think he deserves?

OENONE

When Paris spoke of me what else did he tell you concerning our past?

SOLDIER 2

He told us nothing of you save your ability in the healing arts and where we could find you.

OENONE

I see. It is my wish to wake him now and speak with him. Will you all kindly leave us while I see if my arts will allow me to save him?

SOLDIER 1

As you wish. Come, let us wait removed from this good woman's home.

Three soldiers begin to exit left. 3 stops and turns.

SOLDIER 3

Just don't try too hard Oenone. You would receive greater praise from Troy if you let him die than Paris did by killing Achilles.

Three soldiers exit left.

OENONE

How long have you been listening to us, Paris?

(no answer)

You cannot fool me twice. I know by the way you breathe that sleep has no hold over you.

(still no answer)

Is that your game then?

(Oenone begins kicking him)

PARIS

All right! Stop, I'm awake.

OENONE

I have slept with you enough to know your breathing habits. Though I doubt seriously you would know mine.

PARIS

Oh? And why is that?

OENONE

You never cared to pay me mind as I slept.

PARIS

What makes you so sure?

OENONE

Then tell me, what am I like while I slumber?

(Paris pauses, trying in vain to recollect)

Is my breath heavy? Do I speak as I dream? Did I roll against you in the night or sleep so still you occasionally feared me dead? Did -

PARIS

I once knew. But much has happened since last we spoke.

OENONE

So the soldiers tell me. Do you think it a pity that I rely on the words of strangers to tell me what has befallen you?

PARIS

I think only of the wound in my chest. The medicines they have given me no longer give me rest; merely relaxation.

OENONE

Do the drugs stay long?

PARIS

They are quite potent.

OENONE

Good, then we may talk without your torment getting in the way. Tell me Paris, did Helen weep when she saw your wound?

Paris pauses not wanting to admit the answer to himself.

PARIS

To my knowledge she has not seen it. I have not seen her since first it befell me.

OENONE

She has not visited you?

PARIS

Not that I have knowledge of.

OENONE

How do you like being a Trojan prince?

PARIS

I have not had much time to enjoy it with the war.

OENONE

The war that you brought to Troy? Is that the war you speak of?

PARIS

Do not patronize me. I do not wish my pain's return because you seek to upset me. I am a prince of Ilium; undeserving of such treatment!

OENONE

Remember whom you speak with, prince. This is not Troy and I am not a servant woman whose livelihood depends on your mood. And let us not forget you have come to Mt. Ida seeking my help.

PARIS

Oenone, I am sorry I deser-

OENONE

Hold your tongue! I will not have you speak lies to me.

PARIS

Then what do you want?

OENONE

Civility would be a good start.

PARIS

Fine. I am sorry to have offended you in so little time upon my return here.

OENONE

(sarcastically)

I am filled with surprise that you return in need of aid.

PARIS

(grunting with pain)

My god!

OENONE

I can tell being a prince has softened you.

PARIS

(physically pained)

Do you mock me?!

OENONE

Merely observing. The soldiers told me you have one of Hercules' arrows stuck in you.

PARIS

What of it?

OENONE

Well, if you were to fall upon hard times perhaps you could fetch a great price for it.

PARIS

Hard times?

OENONE

From what I have heard Troy is destined to fall. Even without Achilles the Trojans are no match for the Greeks. You had a chance when Hector was among the living.

PARIS

Do not speak ill of my brother.

OENONE

Do not pretend to have love for a brother you did not know until you brought his death to Troy's gates.

PARIS

I did no such thing! It was Achilles who killed Hector.

OENONE

It was your greed that caused Troy to be attacked. Was she worth the pain in your chest?

PARIS

Stop with your mockery!

OENONE

Does it hurt badly? Your wound?

PARIS

You are enjoying this, aren't you?

OENONE

I am trying to get enjoyment from it but no, I do not. It does not bring me pleasure to see you pained. I wish so deeply that it did.

PARIS

Please, help me Oenone.

OENONE

After ten years without a word from you? Would you help me if I lay before you? Or would you deny knowledge of me and let the birds of carrion have me?

PARIS

I would help you! I truly would.

OENONE

Only if you had something to gain by it.

PARIS

Stop!

OENONE

Or if it were convenient for you.

PARIS

Oenone-

OENONE

Or if it pleased your Helen. You would aid me then and only then.

PARIS

Do you think me so evil?

OENONE

No. I merely know your nature. If evil is the nature of you then yes, I call you evil.

PARIS

Paris of Troy is not an evil creature.

OENONE

Then a greedy one.

PARIS

How dare you call me greedy?

Oenone laughs hardily.

OENONE

How dare I? From your greed my heart has been broken, Menelaus lost his wife and Troy is soon to fall. You have brought about much pain and suffering in ten years time.

PARIS

And what have you done in my absence? Have you wed another? Bore children?

OENONE

I have pined away for you. My life lost its meaning when you left. A great deal of my time has been spent waiting for your return.

PARIS

Why did you wait for me?! You should have moved on with your life. Oenone, you are a beautiful woman, desired by all on Mt. Ida and you have been awaiting the return of a greedy man who cast you aside for another. There are much better things in this world for you than me.

OENONE

I love you, that is why I could not forget you. I tried moving on, Paris. After the first few years I thought my love for you had finally died but it had not.

PARIS

Do not live your life for one who does not care for you. There is nothing but folly in a life plagued by such remembrances of others.

OENONE

So I have tried to tell myself and yet I still long for you.

PARIS

You haven't even spoken to me in ten years.

OENONE

A letter. I sent a letter to Troy for you once, though I doubt you would have read it even if you received it.

PARIS

You told me Apollo had given you medicines to cure any affliction except your love for me.

OENONE

You did read the letter. And still you did not reply?

PARIS

How could I? No one, man or woman, seeks that level of dependence in a mate. What was I to tell you if I did write you back?

OENONE

Perhaps that you had finally found love. The love you thought did not exist should have been granted to you from Aphrodite.

PARIS

I did find love. I know now that you were right and that I was a fool to think there was not such a thing.

OENONE

You love Helen then?

PARIS

I love her with every stitch of my being. But she cares nothing for me! She sailed to Troy because she wished to appease the gods. I cannot breathe without the air smelling of her scent. I cannot bed her without the thought of making love to her. But it is in vain, she cares nothing for me. That is why I could not come back to you. That is why I could not write to you. I experienced, and still experience, the heartache I caused in you. I know how it feels to love another to the point it pushes them away. It seems I have been justly rewarded for my greed.

I deeply love a woman who will never return a fraction of my affections, I have discovered my true heritage only to bring about its destruction and now I lay dying while I beg the aid of the only person to ever love me but the one I have injured most of all in these exploits. Was I to write to tell you that? I should have. Perhaps you could have found joy enough in my plight to leave my memory behind.

OENONE

I doubt it would have helped me. Though I wish so much harm to you, I do still love you greatly.

PARIS

You will help me then?

Oenone thinks for a moment.

OENONE

Troy will soon fall. Menelaus will take Helen back with him to Sparta. I suppose then you would return to me? No Paris, I will not save your life. Though you suffer the same love sickness as I, I doubt Helen ever led you to think there was even a possibility of love between the two of you. I believed you loved me but Helen, I am sure, has never let you think such a thing. Your destruction ends here. I refuse to aid you.

Oenone walks to Paris and pushes the arrow violently, deepening the wound in his chest. Paris writhes and screams in pain.

OENONE

Please do not think this a merciful act. I only quicken your death because the mere site of you vexes me and I wish to hasten your departure from the land of the living.

PARIS

(painfully pleading)

Please Oenone! I will give you whatever you wish! I swear it!

OENONE

I wish only to rid this world of you. If you will grant this to me then you may die knowing your oath has been fulfilled.

Oenone watches Paris intently as he shouts in pain and convulses in his death throws.

Oenone's expression is blank as Paris' body finally gives up its resistance and he dies. She continues to silently stare at his body.

OENONE

Still I love you so much Paris. There will never be another who holds my heart as strongly as you.

Oenone kisses Paris' forehead and slowly exits right.

Within moments the three guards walk in from left and stop to look upon Paris' body. Soldier 3 inspects the body.

SOLDIER 3

Trojans rejoice! Their prince is dead.

SOLDIER 2

(with disdain)

I suppose your wish has been granted after all.

SOLDIER 3

Why mourn for him so? All of Troy wanted him dead, I wanted him dead and from what that sheep herder just told me even Oenone wanted him dead.

SOLDIER 1

What sheep herder?

SOLDIER 3

While we were away from here I spoke with someone who has lived in this land many years as he passed us by with his flock. He told me of Oenone and Paris' past. They were wed and Paris left her to her destiny here atop Mt. Ida while he sailed to Menelaus' home to relieve him of his bride.

SOLDIER 2

Where is Oenone?

The guards all look to one another and with realization 1 rushes off stage right in search of Oenone.

SOLDIER 3

It is rather funny if you give it thought: Paris begging for life from his jilted lover. I was mistaken by thinking this was a bad idea.

SOLDIER 2

What?

SOLDIER 3

Bringing him here. What a fitting demise for Paris to be refused by the last person under Olympus he would resort to for aid. Now even Oenone can find joy in his death along with the rest of us.

1 enters burdened from right.

SOLDIER 3

If we hadn't brought him here she may never have heard of his death. We have done her a great deed today.

2 notices Soldier 1.

SOLDIER 2

What of Oenone? Did you find her?

SOLDIER 3

Is she in celebration?

SOLDIER 1

She is hanging by her neck, dead as the prince before you. Is this the great deed we did her that you spoke of?

3 begins to reply but cannot find the words so he does not.

SOLDIER 1

We now have two bodies to burn. Come, our work has doubled and we have no light left in which to do it.

SOLDIER 2

Poor Oenone.

SOLDIER 3

She suffers no longer in this world. Let us be at our work.

3 soldiers exit right.

The end.
The Death of Gods
(Many mortal servants are toiling away in preparation for a wedding feast. They come and go constantly from both sides of the stage. Dionysus is among the women to the right of the stage with a mug of wine in his hand. Zeus, Hera, and Rhea enter from left.)

Zeus: It was a glorious idea for me to hold my raging bolt so that this day of matrimony would be splendid indeed! Shining brightly the eye of Apollo is this day!

Hera: Your grandeur is all well and good around these mortals but would you please keep it down a bit once the other gods arrive?

Zeus: Ha! Once they are here I must assert my superiority among them. Better that they all know who truly rules them all.

Rhea: (with an air of self-confidence knowing Zeus would do anything she bade) Yes, it is better that they know. I have taught you well enough to not seek my permission for such things.

Zeus: Besides, there has already arrived one of the gods. My own son, Dionysus, walks among the servants putting them at ease.

Hera: Your son has been here intoxicating himself since before the servants even arrived. Hermes told me that the mortals are now missing half their women servants because he has sent them into a wine frenzy causing them to flee to the forests. Now the remaining servants must work twice as hard to accommodate the absence of their fellow servants.

Zeus: My boy at work. Dionysus! How fare thee?

Dio: I fare well father! What of the rest with you?

(Hera gives him an evil look and then turns her back on him)

Rhea: We all are well, god of the vine.

Dio: I see Hera still holds anger in her heart over your indiscretions. Perhaps by now she should be more acquainted with them.

Zeus and Hera: Dionysus!

Zeus: I love thee greatly but do not turn my wife against me so early in the day.

Dio: Striving for a mid-day battle then? Are the two of you in discontent daily?

Zeus: Dionysus, (takes a step towards him) you are born of me but do not be cross. I hold high regard with the Erinyes and would have little difficulty in convincing them to leave me alone.

Dio: I merely joke with you father. Nonetheless, I will hold my tongue.

Hera: Where are the rest of the gods? We told them to be here before we arrived.

Zeus: Let them be late. It will give the servants more time to prepare without stress of being near so many that are so great.

Dio: Would you like me to send my women for them?

Zeus and Hera: No!

Hera: We do not wish them to think madness has conquered the wedding. They would never come then!

(Ares, Eris, and Strife arrive from left)

Ares: Did I hear speak of madness? Is Pandora at it again?

Zeus: (even grander than before) More gods arrive! How were your travels?

Ares: Quite arduous. Every town we took shelter in was plagued by inner turmoil among the citizens.

Eris: Just when we thought there could be no more strife, an invading tribe would come...

Strife: Usually a neighbor whom they have held peace with for generations.

Eris: (giving Strife the angered glare which comes with interruption) And fighting would ensue.

Ares: Beautiful violence which would leave the town entire in flames.

Eris: Then we would take lodging in the invading tribe's town and it would start all over again.

Hera: You are gods, why would you even need lodging at all?

(Ares, Eris, and Strife all snicker at each other's inside joke)

Dio: Such joy in war. If only those people drank more wine they would celebrate camaraderie instead of exercising their swords.

Ares: But where would our use be then?

Hera: With Hades perhaps?

Zeus: Speaking of Hades where is that brother of mine?

Ares: Probably lurking in the shadows watching us in hiding.

Dio: I would mind you tongue Ares. If you are too cowardly to speak such insults to someone's face you should not speak them at all.

Zeus: Especially one who wears a helm of invisibility.

Ares: (visibly shaken) Oh yes. He does have that helmet, doesn't he?

Dio: (mockingly) Do you need a place to spill your stomach from fear?

(Aphrodite and Hephaestus enter from left)

Aph: Who invited the timid one's entourage?

Zeus: Welcome my children! How fare thee?

Heph: Better were it not for uninvited guests.

(Zeus pulls them both aside)

Zeus: Do you not remember what happened the last time Eris was not invited to a party? You two are the very ones who should be thankful to her anyway. You were decided fairest of the gods by Paris and you were busied supplying the god's weaponry for ten long years of war. Now behave the pair of you or when Athena gets here I shall (said much louder) strike you both with my thunderbolt and then we shall be reminded of who is the greatest god of all!

(everyone turns looking at them)

Hera: Zeus!

Rhea: (in a overpoweringly calm manner) Hera. (Hera immediately slouches in defeat)

Dio: Enough of this squabbling! Let us drink a toast to those who have not yet arrived.

Heph: Only ambrosia may touch my lips.

Dio: (to Heph's anger) And gnarled lips at that! Drink and you shall think yourself all the more a part of the beauty of Olympus.

Aph: My Hephaestus is quite beautiful enough. He needs not your stupefying elixirs to prove his worth.

(Zeus begins slowly sneaking up on Dionysus)

Dio: We all know of his worth in the construction of our tools. But that face is simply... (Zeus slaps the back of his head)

Zeus: Manners boy. Manners. And mind them well.

Hera: You will take note to do the same husband of mine.

Zeus: What have I done thus far to make you think me guilty of any act?

Hera: Shall I read from my list.

Zeus: I meant today you succubus.

Hera: Succubus?! I will...

Rhea: You will do nothing. Behave you spoiled children.

(all become quiet long enough for uncomfortable silence to ensue)

Dio: Well then! Let us all have a drink of wine to forget these troubles.

Aph: Is drink all that crosses your mind Dionysus?

Dio: Certainly. So let it cross all our throats!

Zeus: Where the devil is Hades? For that matter, where is Poseidon? Both brothers are still absent.

Ares: I cannot say I blame them much. It is a rather dull party thus far.

Heph: Perhaps a few thousand soldiers fighting over the armor of the fallen would better suit your taste in entertainment.

Ares: It can be arranged. Eris, Strife, we go to our work!

Zeus: Hold there kindred of Ares. My bolt shall find you quickly if you cause turmoil at this wedding. I will have no more Trojan Wars over petty bickering.

(Dionysus gets a look of boredom across his face and meanders back to the maidservants)

Aph: War is such a vile thing. I hold no regard any longer for those who adore the letting of blood.

(Zeus sneaks over to Dionysus and begins flirting with the women servants)

Strife: Of course you wouldn't. Why should you when you have already been judged the fairest...

Eris: By Paris himself. A true judge of beauty indeed.

Hera: Judge of beauty? His only judgment was based on the promise of Helen. The man has not the brain in his head that could even fathom my beauty. All men are alike. They can see no further than their... (noticing Zeus' flirtations) Zeus!!!

(all cover their ears)

Heph: Mother, do not shriek like that. Please.

Aph: (with sickening sympathy) Did she hurt your ears honey?

Hera: My 'shrieks' will die away with my husband's lust for mortals.

Zeus: Wife of mine. If you feel jealous of nothing I shall give you something to be jealous of. (with grandeur) The beds of every woman in creation will burn with the passions of the almighty Zeus if I see fit!

Hera: Why you...

Zeus: Mind your tongue or it shall taste of my mighty bolt! (thinks for a moment) My thunderbolt.

(Artemis and Apollo enter from left)

Zeus: My darling twins! How go your travels?

Art: Uneventful father. Since the great war there has been little excitement to be had.

Aph: Times of peace should not be looked down upon so.

(Zeus sneaks back over to the maidservants)

Heph: Though they do leave some of us rather bored.

Aph: Do I not excite you enough lover?

Heph: (knowing he has committed a faux pas) My... my darling one. Of course you bring me joy upon joy. Were it not for you I would be driven mad this very moment by the quenched fires of my forges. (Aphrodite and Hephaestus show a little public display of affection)

Ares: Spare us the horrors of such indulgence.

(Ares, Eris, and Strife separate to the side)

Hera: Who would have thought Ares to be jealous over a simple... (noticing Zeus' flirtations again) Zeus!!!

Dio: Thank you father for making me one of the only beings in creation to not suffer hangovers. If I had one now my head would have just exploded.

Zeus: Apollo. With that all-seeing eye of yours have you seen any wrong doing on my part?

Apollo: Today?

Zeus: No, tomorrow. Yes today! Have you witnessed any transgressions on my part?

Apollo: Does the morning count?

Zeus: Apollo!

Apollo: Jesting! I merely joke. Father has been ever faithful to you Hera. Today.

(Ares and company talk amongst themselves)

Ares: I just do not understand it.

Eris: What?

Ares: Aphrodite and Hephaestus. The most beautiful creature in all creation bedding with the only ugly god in Olympus.

Strife: Perhaps opposites do really attract.

Eris: Maybe it is the fact that he toils and labors away from the gods in his mountainous seclusion?

Ares: What difference would that make?

Eris: Women like to keep secrets?

Strife: I think it is an ugly duckling thing. Or maybe she hopes if she kisses him enough he will become a prince among the gods.

Ares: Whatever the case, if they keep up that kissy face stuff I will be sick long before Dionysus' drink takes hold of me.

Dio: Did someone say drink?! Let us toast our wine to... to... ourselves!

Hera: Again with the wine. Give it a rest, will you?

Dio: My wine will only rest upon the lips, throats, and hearts of all those seeking my enlightenment.

Art: Or your madness.

Dio: Was that meant to be insulting queen of the hunt?

Art: Certainly not! Your wild women, though they may be animalistic in nature, are simply hunters too. They fall under my protection more lovingly than most.

Hera: Then perhaps you should go drink with him so he will leave the rest of us alone.

Art: I would not think of doing such a thing until the rest of the gods arrive.

Heph: There are many more mortals due to arrive than gods still outstanding.

Zeus: Yes, but they hold no importance compared to us Olympians!

(Poseidon enters from left)

Zeus: Father of the bride! Poseidon, my brother, king of the sea! With mighty trident grasped firmly...

Pos: Zeus, please. Spare me your grandeur. Leave such talk to the mortals you bed.

Zeus: Brother, why such a soured countenance?

Pos: My beautiful Naiad is wedding a lowly mortal! Of all beings inhabiting all realms of existence why must she wed herself to mortality?

Zeus: The mortals are not so bad Poseidon. Wonderfully enough they die so easily. If you have a dislike for this man just wait a few years and he will be walking with Hermes to the underworld. You worry too much for your own good.

Aph: Why do you look down on her love for him so? Is he a person of ill deed?

Pos: He is a person and no more. He has had no deeds of valour. He has no conquests to carry his name above that of any of his brethren. He is just a man. No more, no less.

Eris: (eavesdropping) Ares, this is a perfect opportunity for discord. Let us make this party...

Strife: More enjoyable for us.

Eris: Interrupt me again, Strife, and I shall be the one responsible for Zeus' bolt finding you.

Ares: Hold your plotting to your bosom. I shall hear none of these plans. Poseidon would throw all his anger toward the three of us if anything should befall his daughter's wedding.

Eris: But you heard him. He detests the groom. Poseidon would shower us in praise if we made it so his daughter's wedding crashed.

Strife: Is Naiad even his daughter?

Ares: No, just a being that is under his rule. But nonetheless he thinks her a daughter and knowing Poseidon he would hold hatred toward anyone wishing to wed her.

Strife: What if we were to disrupt something else?

Eris: Do you have a plot?

Ares: I will hear none of this! (Ares joins Dionysus across the stage)

Strife: What has gotten into him?

Eris: It is not what has gotten into him, it is his very nature of cowardice. Ares may speak courageously but he really fears all around him.

Strife: Will you listen to my plot then?

Eris: What kind of mother would I be if I did not? (both snicker and begin quietly scheming)

Art: Tell us, father, is Hades bringing Persephone with him?

Zeus: I haven't a clue. Thus far he is yet to appear himself.

Hera: The real question is whether Demeter plans on showing up.

Apollo: I would not count on it. My visit to her this morning did not go well. With Persephone in the underworld she is hopelessly depressed. She would not even leave her bed when I came round. She spoke to me from beneath the folds of her blankets.

Hera: Poor thing. I despise it so when she is in this state.

Zeus: More of mankind's suffering than your own I should say.

Hera: Oh please. The mortals have quickly adapted to a seasonal shift but Demeter must endure these hardships on a much grander scale.

Apollo: Too bad Prometheus is not here to defend his beloved people. How could he defy father by giving them their fire?

Heph: At least he was not thrown from Olympus by Zeus himself.

Ares: Unfortunately for us they let you back in.

Heph: Do not throw insults towards me because of your former lover's betterment by me. When she walked your halls there was nothing but love of bloodshed across the world.

Ares: And yet you profited from it too Hephaestus. Warriors need weapons just as society entire has need of war. They cannot rest at night without the thought of brutalizing their neighbor and enslaving his kin.

Heph: Are we speaking of Prometheus or a coward's only reason of existence?

(Ares and Hephaestus exchange evil glares at one another)

Hera: We were speaking of Demeter's plight.

Zeus: We were speaking of Hades' absence.

Pos: (angered) We were speaking of this undignified union we have all arrived at to witness.

Zeus: (yelling) Athena! Come to me now with my mighty bolt for it is time I punish this insolence.

Hera: What insolence would that be? Your inability to sneak away to another mistress in the presence of so many Olympians?

Zeus: Well, that, but the insolence I refer to is that of these gods under my rule ignoring my direction and control of the conversation.

(Athena arrives from left as if ready for combat)

Ath: Father! Where is the enemy so powerful that we must smite them with the awe-inspiring thunderbolt of Zeus?

Zeus: Lovely daughter of mine. My anger is quelled merely by your presence. One who respects Zeus calms me greatly. Especially one so lovely as the great Athena.

Hera: Too bad she is your daughter, eh Zeus?

Zeus: Thunderbolt! Now so I may strike her down where she stands before another insult crosses her lips.

Dio: Pass my wine down her throat and no more insults shall rise from her.

Hera: Consider yourself lucky, Dionysus, that Zeus hid you from me in your infancy. Was I to find you...

Zeus: (very threateningly) You would have committed an act so atrocious you would no longer exist in creation.

(Hades enters from left)

Hades: Can the beautiful gods of Olympus be peaceful for a moment when placed in the same home? I am exceedingly amazed daily that news of Olympus' destruction is not brought to me by Hermes himself. And you still seem bewildered by my absence from that mount of the heavens. Any mortal wishing to gaze upon Olympus is always given right to do so by me. When they see the grotesqueness that comes with such beauty they gladly except their lot in the underworld. They spend eternity in worship to me once they are shown the great gods of ambrosia.

(Demeter enters from left)

Dem: I know of at least one who cherishes the beauty of our sacred halls. But she is not allowed to speak for herself any longer. Ever since you stole my daughter away she is miserable in Olympus from even the knowledge of her inevitable return to an unwanted lover in an unwanted place.

Hades: Too often have you thought her thoughts for her Demeter. We share affections you distanced gods could never dream possible. She does not bemoan her return to the underworld but anticipates it. Persephone cannot function on the same mentality as the Olympians any longer because when separated to an outside perspective she sees how vile and unloving you immortals are. She tells you the things she does because she has realized what true love really is and she wishes to placate you. Demeter you are being told the words you wish to hear because her love for you has been kindled by a new fire. A fire of purity burns within her heart now which is something none of you can ever experience because you spend too many years thinking yourselves so great when really she pities you all.

Dem: Do you really believe she pities us? Perhaps her lies are being told to you to ease her imprisonment in your realm.

Hades: Persephone does pity you. But she pities the mortals even more. She sees them now and how they suffer half their lives in a deadened earth on account of her mother's wrath. She speaks with the denizens of our realm frequently and sheds many tears on your account for making them suffer so while they still have breathe in their bodies.

Dem: (she becomes angered in a way that show at least part of her believes Hades. This belief is quickly buried under her defensive rage.) How dare you speak as though you know more of my daughter's thoughts than I?

Hades: Are you in need of proof? Hold back your famine of the land for only one year. Do this and you will see a change in Persephone that in you heart, if you have one any longer, you have already acknowledged but refuse to believe. Do this for two years and see if your daughter returns to you at all.

Dem: Are you suggesting that her incarceration with you is preferred over the love of her mother?

Hades: I am suggesting that she suffers not with me but with you. She suffers for the good of man so that you will relent your aggressions against those who not only do not deserve them, but also have nothing to do with a disagreement between us two. They did not take your daughter from you anymore than I did but still they suffer for it.

Zeus: Hades, perhaps you should...

Hades: Withhold the truth? Then perhaps you gods are in need of another such truth yet directed towards the lot of you. Your petty squabbling affects only those who take no part in the lives of the gods. They suffer every suffering because of the hatred you harbor towards one another. The Olympians cannot punish each other or themselves so they punish those who are innocent and undeserving of such hardships. It is humanity that pays for the trespasses of the gods.

Hera: Did you come here only to insult us all? Is that your aim?

Hades: My aim was to be here to offer my congratulations and condolences to my brother Poseidon. (to Poseidon) You have them both and they are freely given. But regrettably, brother of the seas, I must make my leave. With my task done I now find the stench of godliness less appealing than the bogs that consume my lands. Farewell to you all.

(Hades exits left)

Dem: Never come back to the palaces of Olympus! I speak for us all when I say your insults are so great you are now even more unwelcome than ever you once were. So back to your land buried deep within the earth. Should you ever return I shall strike you down as beating a dog.

Zeus: Sister Demeter, it is unwise to make threats you cannot possibly fulfill.

Dem: Zeus! You, you... (runs off stage left weeping)

Hera: How could you do that, you uncaring brute? You truly are the worst of us all.

Zeus: Have you only now discovered this truth?

(an uncomfortable silence ensues as Strife and Eris exit left)

Dio: What this tension filled assemblage needs is more...

All: No more wine Dionysus!

Ares: Well, perhaps a bit more for me.

Rhea: I shall join you god of war.

Apollo: So shall I.

(all three join Dionysus and Ares to begin drinking of his wine)

Zeus: (watching them go to Dionysus who lingers at the servant's table) You there, man servant.

Servant 1: (nervously dropping the food he carries and begins shaking) MMMMMe lord Zeus?

Zeus: Yes you! Go and fetch my brother and bring him back here if you can. Beseech him under the precedence that he and I have much to discuss.

Servant 1: YYYes lord Zeus. (begins walking to left)

Zeus: (shouting) With haste! (Servant 1 flees, stumbling once but quickly regaining his footing. He exits left.)

Dio: So Apollo, why do you join in my intoxication? I have never known you to muddle your ever-seeing eye.

Apollo: It was Hades' words that drive me to your temporary escape.

Dio: So tell me, being the being of truth you are, how right were his accusations?

Apollo: Not as exact as Hades would think but more truthful than I can bear at the moment. (drinks a large drink from his wine glass)

Dio: Grandmother Rhea. It has been too long since we have had drink together.

Rhea: Much too long beloved grandson. You have quickly become my favorite among the immortals.

Dio: I cannot help but find coincidence in my birth and Zeus'. You hid him from Cronos much like Zeus had hidden me from Hera's wrath.

Rhea: Cronos amazed me with his ignorance as he ate a stone thinking it to be your father. (looking at Zeus then taking a drink) Though sometimes I wish I had made a wiser choice of which child to hide from my husband's greedy stomach I need only look to your beautiful young face and hear your smoothly flowing voice to realize that even if Zeus can be a fool at times he can choose very wisely his actions. (takes another drink)

Ares: Or perhaps he stumbles upon his actions as a blind man trips over stones. (Zeus, unknown to Ares, steps up behind him) I mean, recall when Hera tricked him to sleep so that the Greeks gained ground against the Trojans. To think Zeus, (takes a drink) mightiest of all Olympians, tricked by a beautiful woman! (Rhea, Apollo, and Dionysus all notice Zeus' presence as he stands behind Ares) Quite laughable really.

Zeus: I found it quite laughable when Diomedes cast his spear into you. You wept like the beaten dog that you are and even had the nerve to think my great daughter Athena was being too vicious on the battlefield. Some god of war; groveling to his father while crying as a child who has lost a toy.

Athena: (walking over) Some god of war indeed. I could fell you with my bare hands were you to have all of Hephaestus' handiwork at hand.

Ares: (refilling his glass) Unwelcome company is now what I have become it seems. Eris and Strife are the only ones who... (looking around for Eris and Strife he realizes they have already deserted him. Ares, with a false show of pride, walks to the left corner and sits at a table by himself drinking his wine.)

Hera: Sympathy is all I can feel for Demeter. (to Aphrodite) If something that badly happened to Hephaestus nothing could hold back my vengeance.

Heph: Mother you embarrass me.

Aph: Your fears are unfounded. So long as Hephaestus is mine he will never go wanting.

Zeus: (to Aprhodite) Diomedes struck you a light blow to the hand and that was enough to make you drop your son Aeneas, so quick you were to flee the battle. A great protector you are not.

Dio: (leaves the table to join the conversation. To Aphrodite) Unless of course you seduced his attackers. But the possibility of you finding the aggressor a much better lover than he is far too great a risk.

Aph: No one asked you to join our conversation. Just because you can hear our words does not mean you have right to interject your opinions of it.

(Zeus and Dionysus indifferently and without offense turn to talk amongst themselves)

Art: Poseidon, you grow too quiet. Why so melancholy? Still mourning over the matrimony?

Pos: It is not only that. What Hades has told us I had completely denied until he had gone. I have observed exactly what he spoke of in such short a time that I can see the meaning of his words clearly.

Hera: What do you mean by that?

Pos: We are wretched beings. Hades has spoken many truths today. So compelling are those truths that I have relented my hatred towards this ceremony. The mortal now carries with him the blessing of Poseidon. Let him enjoy his life while he still has it. (begins to exit to the right)

Heph: Where are you going?

Pos: To the groom. We have many things to speak on. Things we should have spoken of long ago. No longer will my pride stand in the path of what I must do. (exits right)

Aph: Love is such a grand thing. Already Poseidon's heart longs for the embrace of his soon-to-be son in law.

Heph: All of his actions are result of you my beloved.

(Aphrodite and Hephaestus begin kissing again. Ares' head audibly hits the table he sits at. Artemis and Hera together roll their eyes while averting them from the public display of affection.)

Art: This is even sickening me.

Hera: That is saying a lot goddess of the brutality within the hunt.

Art: I would clean a thousand wild boars with less disgust than to see anymore of this.

Aph: Why does this disgust you all so?! Ares sheds the blood of thousands while Dionysus commands his wild women to rend men from their limbs. Zeus lies with all women in sight, willingly or through trickery, as his daughter slays men with the strength of all the warriors in the world. And you, Hera, with your petty jealousies drive Zeus to infidelity after infidelity.

(all begin to argue ad-libbing. Thanatos enters from the right. The gods immediately become silent as each is consumed with the sight of death incarnate. Thanatos walks slowly among the gods gazing at each one individually as he crosses the stage and exits left. Uncomfortable silence lasts around a minute as the knowledge of Thanatos' presence sinks in. They look at each other in awe.)

Zeus: Was that... was that who I think it was?

Hera: Of course it was you fool! It was Thanatos. Death itself walking among the immortals.

Aph: (clutching onto Hephaestus) What business could he possibly have here?

Ares: It is quite obvious, is it not? He has come for one of us.

Heph: So why did he not do his work?

Art: One of the mortals! Obviously he would not be here for one of us so he must be here for one of them.

Apollo: If he came for one of the mortals he would have taken them with him. He left alone.

Art: But would he not take one of us were he here for a god?

Apollo: Out of respect for the immortals it would be sensible to give warning to us. The kind of warning too great for a mortal to receive. No god of Olympus has ever died before. Thanatos may be savouring the new experience and prolonging the inevitable as long as possible.

Zeus: Poseidon! Thanatos came from the halls Poseidon journeyed down only moments ago!

(Zeus runs off stage right with Athena loyally following)

Hera: I had better follow. As sad as it seems this smells of Zeus' trickery. (exits right)

Ares: (exhibiting slight intoxication) The death of a god. What a new experience this shall be. How long have we immortals walked these lands? Years uncountable even by our standards we have strove here and just as I thought all surprise was gone here is this. How invigorating!

Aph: How could you say such a thing?! One of your kindred may be dead within hours and you speak of it as a wrapped gift. If one of us is the first to die I pray it be you Ares. All realms of existence detest you and the pestilence of war you bring. Not a soul, dead or living, would morn your loss.

Ares: (sarcastically) Such sweet words pour from your mouth! But you forget a great deal about my role in this existence of ours. Without war man would go mad as the Bacchants of Dionysus. When men grow mad violence ensues which leads to conflict. Yet it is worse than any war I have brought upon them for when they battle in such a way they fight for no cause or glory but only the sake battle itself. More an act of suicide than a victory for any cause.

Heph: Like that would offend you. The act of battle itself is all the same to you no matter the circumstances.

Ares: Are you joking? What joy would I find in a war I could not partake in?

Heph: Afraid the mortals would overtake you? Maybe Thanatos came for you after all.

Ares: Forget not, Hephaestus, that without war what good would your forges be?

Heph: For the gods I would craft weapons as they truly deserve to be wielded, for and by the gods alone.

Ares: Crafting weapons for gods who already have dozens of your tools is merely an act of boredom. Only necessity keeps one occupied in their work and soon you would grow weary of seeing your efforts becoming decorations in Olympus. Then the day shall come when the weapons are put away for fact of sheer multitude. The gods do not like repetition and they detest mass repetition.

Art: Your arguments are sensible. But if not Ares then who?

Aph: Perhaps you, Artemis, are the one destined to die. Iphigenia was more goddess than woman, though being mortal, and because of your wishes she was slain so the Greek fleets could sail to Troy.

Art: How was I to know Agamemnon was savage enough to offer me his daughter's life upon an alter. 'Surely' I thought, 'this price I have asked will be too great.' If I had been right the entire Trojan War would have been averted.

Heph: But the price was obviously reasonable enough for the Greeks for they set sail that very day.

Art: How could mankind survive without a goddess of the hunt? How would they feed their sons and daughters when winter strikes killing all crops upon the earth.

Aph: They would probably find a warmer place to move their towns to and let farming feed their peoples.

Art: (to Aphrodite) Do you think you are immune to blame? Many creatures have been undone by your wickedness of love.

Heph: Hold you tongue! What would life be for mortals and immortals alike were it not for love? All joy would be stricken from life.

Art: Than perhaps it is Dionysus who shall walk to the underworld with Hermes.

Dio: Perhaps you are right!

Aph: Do you take nothing seriously god of wine?

Dio: Things of importance, yes. But this business seems such a trivial matter.

Heph: A trivial matter?

Dio: So what if immortality is not quite so long as we all though? If Thanatos feels need to take me than I shall gladly walk with him. With a smile upon my lips I would offer him drink so that we both should be merry while on our journey.

Aph: You are truly intolerable Dionysus.

Dio: Because I gladly accept my fate? If this be the lot I must have then there is no changing it. Do not fear the inevitable for the nature of inevitability itself is to be unalterable. Worry not about that which cannot be changed.

Art: Brother Apollo have you seen anything that would make you believe one of us is doomed?

Apollo: I have seen nothing sister.

Ares: A likely story! He knows exactly what is to come. He is in league with Thanatos to not reveal the secret for Thanatos told Apollo he was not the god sought for death.

Apollo: No lie has ever or will ever cross my lips.

Ares: If Thanatos threatened to bring you death also I see you easily persuaded to tell your little lie.

Art: Is it your intention to anger my brother? Apollo is a far greater god than you and would not hesitate to strike you down if provoked. If you are not the victim Thanatos is after than whoever it is will have your companionship if you continue your insulting. Though there are none among us who would cherish your company even in the lonely walk of death.

Apollo: She speaks her truths as well as I speak mine Ares.

Art: Before any allegations are brought against my brother I will dispel them quickly. Who would cleanse mankind of all impurities should Apollo die? Where would the hunters be without Apollo's gift of aim? Who would heal the mortals when they are wounded?

Ares: Who has already taught the gift of healing to the mortals? Once knowledge is taught the teacher becomes unnecessary.

Apollo: Who, then, would keep peace between mortal and immortal. It is I who ensure the people who worship us remain faithful to their gods and goddesses. Only through my good deeds have we continually been exalted so.

Ares: If not Apollo than perhaps Hephaestus is the one death seeks. Tell us wretched one, why should your life be spared among ours?

Aph: How dare you even think of...

Heph: Aphrodite please. Thanatos shall never come for me.

Ares: And why is that?

Heph: Who else would craft his weapons for him? Unlike some, Thanatos has an unrelenting interest in my skills.

Art: If that be so then it must...

Rhea: You children disgust me! Consider yourselves lucky that Dionysus has fed me enough wine to hold back my anger. If it were not for that I would ensure that Thanatos take the lot of you with him. I detest the presence of such insolence! Tell the other gods I took my leave. I can no longer tolerate the stench of ignorance contained in this room.

(Rhea exits left. Zeus, Poseidon, Hera, and Athena enter from right.)

Zeus: Where has my mother gone?! (begins frantically searching for Rhea)

Dio: Calm yourself father. She merely grew weary of all the banter. It would seem accusations are flying about as to whom Thanatos has come for. Any corpses decorating the inner halls?

Aph: How can you be so calm in such a situation? (melodramatically) This is an event that has never occurred before. One of the gods are going to die! (embraces Hephaestus)

Zeus: (rolling his eyes) There has been no one within these walls who have died.

Pos: Whom has death come for then?

Hera: Your brother Zeus would make a fine enough target.

Zeus: Why is that wife of mine?

Hera: Do not be coy with me. I saw you with that woman. We were checking for the life of your brother and you still found opportunity to woo a mortal. If you had not checked me we all would have known who marches to Hades this day.

Zeus: The woman or me?

Hera: Must you ask?

Zeus: If only Thanatos had come for you! There are few who are bound by stronger chains than I to my matrimony.

Hera: Like Prometheus.

(all step away from Zeus and Hera)

Zeus: (dumbfounded with anger) Woman... I have... you should not... I will... Athena!!! My thunderbolt.

Hera: What are you doing?

(Zeus chases Hera off stage left with thunderbolt in hand given from Athena)

Dio: What pleasantries we are witness to this day.

Pos: Naiad could learn much of what to expect in her endeavour from those two.

Dio: All is well with the bride and groom?

Ath: Not one has fallen by sword or serpent.

Ares: Then it is one of us who will fall. Thanatos has warned us all and he will return for one of us.

Heph: I am sure you have already decided the deserving party.

Ares: Why look to me for such insight? I have no clue which god will fall. For all I know we will all die.

Ath: How could he be coming for all of us?

Ares: Thanatos is not really one to give warnings before he performs his duties. Even in the case of a dead god I see no reason for him to tarry.

Apollo: But if he were coming for all of us there would be reason to warn. Is that what you say?

Athena: That is utter nonsense! The idea that even one of us would die is preposterous. But all of us? If we were all destined to die then mankind or any other form of life could not exist.

Aph: Sounds like someone thinks it could not possibly be her that Thanatos wants.

Heph: (begging) Lover please.

Aph: No. Athena is just as likely to be the one as any of us. Just look at those cold grey eyes. That is a mark of death I tell you!

Zeus: (from offstage left) Who would have the bravery to think my daughter (enters from left in a calm fury) is destined to die?

Apollo: (to Dionysus) What do you suppose happened to Hera?

Dio: Who knows? But I think I can smell charred flesh clinging to Zeus.

Aph: Zeus, I... I

Zeus: You think that death would come for my most beloved among you all? Thanatos himself would find battle from me were he to even think of taking Athena. I would sacrifice the lot of you before he laid hands on Athena. (with grandeur) The earth would quake with such ferociousness that the very columns of Olympus would shake if Thanatos wished to send her to the underworld!

Hera: (enters from left visibly disheveled) Zeus! Quell your anger. They are only trying to find out what is going to happen to us.

Zeus: Have you not learned your lesson yet? Need I strike you down once again before you learn your place?

Aph: (femininely defensive) Hera has a place to be put into?

Heph: (tugging at Aphrodite's arm) Dear, this really is not the time to...

Aph: (jerking her arm away from Hephaestus) You take his side over mine? You men are all alike! We women...

Ath: Zeus will not have time to reprimand you before my sword is across your throat if you do not act as a goddess rather than a small child.

(Aphrodite stomps her foot and is silent. A smile of pride rolls across Zeus' face to witness Athena speak down to Aphrodite.)

Pos: At least I am safe.

Art: What makes you so sure?

Pos: How many seas cover this earth? Were I to die the earth would wither away. With no water the rain would not fall upon crops causing mortals and game alike to suffer thirst until extension ensues. Thanatos would not take me for then he would have to take everyone.

Dio: Perhaps that is his intention. (all listen intently) He could be out taking the life of every mortal who walks the earth. He would start with people first because the animals would not miss them at all. Then Thanatos would take the monsters that roam in the caves and dark places of the earth. No one would miss creatures it is better to avoid. The animals are next, living for only a short time in the enjoyment of being the only living creatures roaming the lands. Happy they would be with no humans to take their homes and kill them for food. Until, of course, they realize they were only later on Thanatos' list, spared for a time only to prevent uproar from humanity to the gods. Thanatos is trying to prevent turmoil in this, his most monumental of tasks. Even knowing nothing of his business it is obvious that taking every living being of creation is a daunting task. Lastly, he will come for the lot of us. Here, closed off from everything in the outside world, Thanatos has chosen the moment to strike perfectly. He knew arguments would reign so supreme among us that he could do his work freely without interference from us. The entire world and everyone in it is out there involved in one giant culling. When he has finished with that bloody act then, and only then, will he come to finish the rest. He chooses to put us on the bottom of a list because killing us all first would cause everything to crumble with such chaos it would drive him mad to continue any endeavours. Reality would crumble for humanity immediately were we the first to be taken by that awful hand of demise.

(all silent in awe)

Aph: (timidly) Could... could all that be true?

Dio: Of course not. That would be foolish.

(Aphrodite growls in anger)

Zeus: Oh if only Thanatos would take my wife from me.

Hera: But then how thrilling would it be for you to bed your women with no element of danger?

Zeus: What danger would that be?

Heph: I think she means herself Zeus.

Zeus: Do you not recall what transpired the last time you stood up to me concerning my treatment of your mother?

Ares: Zeus threw you from Olympus itself. That day seemed much more pleasant without that ugly face of yours always lurking around to act as a constant reminder that even on great Mt. Olympus beauty is not supreme.

Aph: Will you forget about you and I Ares? Just because we were once lovers does not mean you must pine away about me. I know I am the greatest lover you have ever, or will ever, had but you are a god. Get over it!

Ares: You really think I pine for you? Greatest lover ever? Awfully full of yourself aren't you Aphrodite.

Heph: The truth hurts greatly does it not?

Ares: Stay out of this you mongrel!

Heph: What will you do if I do not? Cower in fear at my knees before I have a chance to thrash you?

Hera: Stop arguing you foolish children. Have you forgotten there are much more pressing issues at hand?

Apollo: Like who among us is going to die?

Zeus: Enough! If we gods are to die than we shall not go sitting down. We must band together, unify our mighty powers, and stand united against Thanatos upon his return.

Ath: Right you are as always. I am with you.

Hera: As lecherous as you may be and as intolerable as I find you... (Zeus gives Hera a sinister stare) I am with you.

Apollo: (after taking another drink of wine and exhibiting obvious intoxication) Apollo lends you his bow along with its ever-accurate (fumbles arrows in hand and drops them all over the stage) arrows.

(Apollo begins slowly and feebly collecting the arrows)

Art: Where my brother Apollo goes so too shall Artemis pledge allegiance.

Hera: It would seem you may need to keep your brother's arrows true to their target.

Art: I shall do what I must.

Apollo: Apollo needs no guidance with his arrows. If Apollo begins seeing targets doubled then Apollo merely needs to shoot two arrows at once!

Art: Oh Apollo, maybe you should sit until we have need of you.

Dio: (to Apollo) Dionysus shall aid Apollo until that time comes. (hands Apollo another drink)

Hera: No more wine!

Heph: My forges shall burn brightly for the good of us all. Count me in.

Aph: (with loving concern) Must you fight too?

Heph: Must you even ask? This is for the good of us all. Though some of the immortals (looking at Ares) may not be worth saving we must come to the aid of our species. Will the beautiful Aphrodite league herself with us?

Aph: (blushing) When you ask me in that way how could I refuse?

Zeus: And you, god of seas, may we count on your trident?

Pos: Thanatos seeks my life along with the lives of all who live under my rule. Brother Zeus, I shall fight with you until our common enemy is vanquished.

Zeus: What of you Ares?

Ares: What of me? The lot of you feels nothing but ire for me. Every word spoken from you is merely mockery. Give me reason to help and perhaps I will.

Ath: Were Thanatos to come for you alone we would come to your aid as if he came for us all.

Heph: (sarcastically) What a shame it would be if he were the target of death.

Ath: (with an air of supremacy) Hold your tongue Hephaestus. Remember, I have no need for more of your weapons.

Zeus: Were she to change her mind it would be the mighty Zeus telling, not asking but telling, you to mold her more. No slight Athena could wound you with could keep you from my powerful persuasions.

Ath: Ares?

Ares: Fine! Upon the return of Thanatos you have my help. Shall I begin gathering armies for our disposal?

Dio: My wild women will need gathering also. They tend to take a while to gather seeing as, well... seeing how they are in a state of perpetual madness.

Zeus: Ares begin gathering your armies but send envoys. We must stay united if we wish to take on death itself.

Dio: What of my Bacchants?

Art: We could use more mighty hunters.

Hera: (to Dionysus) Your allegiance is ours then?

Dio: Certainly! How else will I get wine down your throats if I do not toast with you for victory.

Zeus: Fine, fine. Pour wine for us all. Gather your Bacchants and have them await our beckons in the wilderness surrounding us. It shall set Thanatos at ill ease if first confronted with the madly intoxicated.

Ares: It sounds as though you have a plan already. Why should you be the sole plotter when all our necks are on the line?

Zeus: Because I trust my planning alone for I alone know I plot for the good of us all rather than scheming with personal gain in mind.

Hera: What if we dislike you plan? Have we the right to dispute?

Zeus: Must you ask? No, you have no say. If my plans do not fit your approval then we will merely have one fewer toward our common goal.

Ath: Will you listen to what father has to say before putting in your disputes? This is not the occasion for striking nerves to only cause distress. This may very well be our last chance to save our immortality and were it not for my father's bravery against Cronos none of us would be here now. I put my trust in him for all reasons; not only because he is my father but also because he truly is the greatest among us.

Dio: What a sad lot we must be.

Zeus: Dionysus I have no time...

Dio: Merely joking! Have you no humor about you?

Zeus: Not now.

Pos: What is your plan Zeus?

Zeus: Call upon all creatures of war from the sea. Have them awaiting a signal for help. Ares and Dionysus; do the same to your abilities. Let all outside help remain just that, outside. They shall be our first line of defense.

Ath: Do you think any of these armies will hold against Thanatos?

Zeus: No, but it will allow us a warning system and may serve to tire him some.

Hera: If Thanatos tires at all.

Zeus: Regardless. This is my command so the three of you must follow it. Hephaestus, have you weapons at hand?

Heph: They lay in the chariot of our arrival.

Aph: You carried weapons with us? Why?

Heph: For times such as these, my love. Also, my wedding gift was to be a weapon for each the bride and the groom. Weapons fitting for the gods themselves.

Zeus: Good thinking. The weapons, not the use of them as gifts. Arm all gods who carry no arms of their own. Apollo and Artemis; ready your bows and seek higher ground. The size of this room will be ample to elevate yourselves.

Aph: What of me?

Heph: Stay by my side so that I may sacrifice my life for yours should the need arise.

Aph: Hephaestus.

(Aphrodite embraces Hephaestus. Zeus shakes his head in disapproval.)

Zeus: Poseidon please stand by me so that we may take Thanatos as soon as he enters. We are the most powerful so we will be the first to attempt combat.

Art: Father Zeus, would it not be better if the two of you stand distanced from the entrance so that Apollo and I can send volleys of arrows atop his shoulders, head, and face. The element of surprise will be ours while Thanatos is blinded by a thousand fold shafts.

Zeus: Good thinking huntress. You and Apollo get as closely as possible to the entrance. Rain your quivers atop him until you see Poseidon and I charge for attack.

Ath: What of me father?

Zeus: You shall have duel purpose. Once the arrows have stopped flying Apollo and Artemis shall flee to the entrance for the inner halls. You are to make sure they reach this point unharmed so they may form the last line of defense. Once they have reached their position then it is time for combat. Join Poseidon and I at the entrance as re-enforcements.

Ath: What if your battle ends quickly?

Zeus: Then you must fight Thanatos alone. (momentary silence) If Poseidon and I fall quickly; Apollo and Artemis need return quickly to elevated positions above the entrance to the inner halls. By that point Hephaestus will have given them more arrows to send a second volley at Thanatos. Once the first blow is stricken by death or Athena the twins are to fly into fight with Athena.

Hera: What of the rest of us?

Zeus: The rest should fall back to the inner halls. Hephaestus shall have two duties; keeping our weapons in full stock and acting as protector for all who stand behind you.

Heph: I must protect Ares?

Zeus: Unless you can pry a weapon of war in his hand and convince him to aid you.

Heph: I must protect Ares.

Dio: I, for one, already know my charge. I will hide in the back with my kindred and merely observe as these events unfold.

Zeus: We have plotted enough. Now is the time for action. Everyone in position!

(Hera, Aphrodite, Ares, and Dionysus all exit right to the inner halls. Hephaestus guards the entrance to the inner halls. Zeus and Poseidon position themselves a few paces from left exit but on opposite sides of the stage. Athena stands proudly center-stage with weapon drawn. Apollo and Artemis position themselves as highly elevated as set/stage permit. Closer to exit left than Zeus and Poseidon but still on opposite sides of the stage.)

Zeus: Now we wait.

(all go quiet for a span of time long enough to show impatience growing amongst them)

Art: How long...

Zeus: Quiet!

(another, shorter moment of silence passes)

Art: How...

(Zeus grunts in displeasure to silence her)

Art: (immediately after the grunt) How long should we wait?

Zeus: (with grandeur) Think you that death holds a timetable for... for... death?!

Art: Wait! I hear something.

(all silently listen for a span of time just shorter than the initial silence. Suddenly all offstage right frightfully leap onto the stage as if being simultaneously goosed. Everyone turns to face right.)

Zeus: He has come!

Pos: Fight us to our face Thanatos. We fear not your cold grasp.

Ares: (hiding behind Athena) Yes! Yes! Fight them, not us.

Ath: (kicking Ares away) Away with you! Bad enough you cower in fear but to whelp like the scavenger you are is too much. Go hide in the shadows where their silence must be more welcoming than our contempt for you.

Zeus: Taste of my thunderbolt... when I can see you to strike you down.

Art: Reveal yourself you vile being.

(Hades enters from right)

Hades: What is wrong with you!? Is this how Hades is to be treated after leaving you to stir hatred towards me for so short a time?

Zeus: What is wrong with us? What is wrong with you? We are at our most dire hour and you are wearing that damned helmet to sneak up on us.

Hades: I was not wearing my invisibility helmet you fool! It was dark back there. Someone has killed the lights.

Aph: Do not say that!

Hades: Say what?

Zeus: Do you know nothing of what has befallen the gods of Olympus?

Hades: Just in the last hour?

Zeus: We received, in your absence, a most unwelcome and unexpected visitor. Thanatos, (with grandeur) the incarnation of death itself - the relentless purser of the doomed, entered the very hall we stand in now and (with more grandeur) walked across each of us as if walking across our graves. He walked in from the inner halls and out the front gates leaving us as silently as he came to us. The event set us into frenzy along with a great deal of confusion. What was the purpose behind Thanatos' visit? What motives did he have?

Ath: Thus we began to contemplate amongst ourselves what those motives must have been.

Heph: After much deliberation we came to the conclusion that death has come for one, if not all, of us.

Zeus: We then... (pauses) well I came up with a plan to thwart any aggression against us. Seeing as how we really do not know of death at all we thought that by banding together we would have a greater chance of conquering Thanatos.

(Hades breaks out into laughter to the further confusion of the gods)

Hades: You thought I was Thanatos? (laughter) Not only that, (snickering) you thought that Thanatos had given you warning of demise earlier today and that you have banded together to thwart him?

Pos: Finding this humorous?

Hades: Insanely! Thanatos did not come for any of you. After I left here I felt a bit dreadful about speaking venomously to you all. About halfway to the underworld I turned back to apologize and here I find you have further proven my point. Along the path of my return I crossed paths with Hermes and Thanatos along with one I did not know. It seems you sent one of the servants from the wedding to find me and bid my return. This servant was so shaken by the presence of the gods he overlooked a rather poisonous serpent warming in the sun. One thing led to another and Thanatos was called to perform his duty. (holding back laughter) Thanatos was not trying to warn you. He was looking the servant you sent after me! How ironic it is for a being to place faith in gods as a means to warrant entrance into the afterlife. Especially when those gods have no idea of the workings of death due to their immortality. The only entities in existence that cannot experience death itself and these are who the mortals worship! Ha!

(Hades horselaughs his way off stage left)

Hades: How entertaining you lot of fools are. I would wager that you argued amongst yourselves only listening to the pieces you wanted to hear and letting these momentary excerpts of thought influence your decisions. Perhaps I should be spending a greater amount of time in Olympus after all!

The End

Helen
(Scene takes place in Helen's bedchamber in the palace of Tyndareus, king of Sparta.)

(Tyndareus enters from right.)

Tyn: Helen? Where are you?

Helen: (from offstage left) I'm dressing father. I will be out in a moment.

Tyn: Ah.

(Tyndareus exits right. After Tyndareus is out of sight a servant enters from left in a state of dressing.)

Servant: By the gods that was close.

(Helen enters from left dressed but arranging her hair.)

Helen: Do you scare so easily? If I had known that you would never had entered my bed.

Servant: The king would put me to death if I was discovered here. And what of all the suitors who have arrived for your hand who think you untouched?

Helen: Yes the suitors. I doubt there is one among them who could deduce whether I was pure or sullied if paid with a kingdom.

Servant: From what the maidservants say whoever is chosen will be paid with Sparta along with you.

Helen: Any amongst them would gladly pay a kingdom for me.

Servant: That is true Helen. I would give all I had in this world for your love.

Helen: Servant, you are not concerned with my love but my beauty. You, like all others, seek the esteem of winning me as if I were some reward for a great deed.

Servant: If I only wished to tell all I know of this day, as if it were some great deed, do you not fear I will speak of what has passed between us and what we have just done?

Helen: Who would believe you? You are a servant of my father and I am the most beautiful woman in all the world. I am a daughter of Zeus, raised by my mother's husband, a king. What are you but a servant? The son of a servant who himself was the son of a slave. Servitude is your lot and nobility is mine. Tell who you like of this and they will declare you the fool that you are.

Servant: Then I will take the memory of this day to my grave.

Helen: While you carry the memory of this all your days remember always that you surely were not the first and were certainly not the most pleasing. My choice of you had nothing to do with who you are or what you have done in all your days. You shared my bed because of your proximity to it and you would easily be replaced by any who would stand in your stead.

Servant: Why must you tell me these things? Would it harm you to let me believe this were something special for the both of us? Many suitors have gathered in hopes of wedding you and within days you will leave this place never to return. We will never see one another again yet you feel you must spoil this day with slandering?

Helen: I do you a favor servant. I am saving you from a lifetime of longing and delusion. Do not think this day to be what it is not. You are a briefly passing fancy for me; a moment's reprieve from the boredom of my quarantine from the populace of this land. They all fear what would happen to me if I were to leave this palace on my own and force me to remain within these walls seeking distractions of my own design.

Servant: I had hoped...

Helen: Take care what you hope for servant. Need I remind you hope was an evil released by Pandora from her box? Hope resided with plagues and hate and malice before its release. Hope makes men only dream of achievements when they could be accomplishing them.

(Tyndareus enters from right.)

Tyn: Good an attendant. Go inform our guests that I have made my decision concerning Helen. Assemble them in the great hall to await my declaration.

Servant: Yes my king.

(The servant bows to the king and Helen before exiting right.)

Tyn: Helen. (Tyn embraces a beautiful woman rather than his daughter) Though Zeus himself has sired you it has been my life's honor to raise you as my daughter.

Helen: Thank you father.

Tyn: Many have gathered here for you and with good reason. Who would not want you for their wife, to have you forever in their presence?

Helen: No one in this mortal world. Tell me father, has Theseus come to claim my hand?

Tyn: (apathetically) Even if Theseus were alive he would not be allowed in my kingdom.

Helen: (sorrowfully) Theseus is dead?

Tyn: Yes my dear. King Lycomedes killed him. I know not the reason but the news did not surprise me. Though the Athenians loved him greatly he was a terrible man with many enemies. Do you not recall your abduction at his hands? His greed was great by taking you from this house. You were a mere child; too young to accent to his wishes. He wanted you for his own once you were of proper age and was too fearful to wait for this day to make himself known amongst the others who would wish your hand.

Helen: But father Theseus was such a great warrior. So bold and strong he was that he braved the fury of my brothers and our entire kingdom to have me.

Tyn: Yes and when we discovered where he had taken you we marched upon the town and bested its fighters. Theseus cost the lives of a great many warriors that day yet he was too cowardly to remain there to fight for you. Theseus was not a man of valor but a man of cowardice. He had fled from you before the wraith of your brothers could find him.

Helen: These suitors will have difficulty matching Theseus in my eyes.

Tyn: My dear, you were only a girl, too young to see him for what he was. If you cared for him it was only youthful adoration placed on a man which you knew not to be one of such villainy.

Helen: He was a great man father and I knew him well enough. More than you will ever believe.

Tyn: Let us not speak of this Helen. That time has passed. Theseus is dead, you have grown and now many are here to claim you as their wife. I have made my decision and soon you will leave your home here to begin your life elsewhere. Let not our last days together be consumed with disagreement over past times.

Helen: (somewhat defeated though trying desperately to hide the fact) Who shall be my husband then father? Who have you chosen for me?

Tyn: Menelaus, son of Atreus, will be rewarded with you. He will be given rule over Sparta and you will be its queen. (lovingly) You deserve to be queen of the entire mortal plane, my daughter, but this is all that is within my power to give you.

Helen: And what of the others who must leave here with nothing?

Tyn: I feared retaliation from them but I have seen to that. I knew that such a great force of heroes would not admit defeat so readily and I do not wish to leave our fates in the cruel hands of a mob whose hearts are swayed by the anonymous shout of one of their members. Therefore they have been told they all must make oath to champion any cause against an aggressor should the winner of your hand be in any way wronged.

Helen: And they agreed?

Tyn: Certainly. They know not who I will choose and in each of them a secret fear has been laid to rest. Though the suitors act as brethren to one another now each of them know that should they win your hand their newly acquired kinsmen will be corrupted with an indomitably wounded pride. (tutoring) Never underestimate what man is capable of when he feels his pride has been stricken from him. Now, ready yourself my dear for soon your new husband will be here to take you away from my home into another. I will bring him to you shortly.

(Tyndareus exits right.)

Helen: Menelaus son of Atreus. I have heard of this man even though I may be trapped here away from the talk of others. The only words to have reached me have all been about his might in battle, his worthiness of the gods' love and his fearlessness. I fear Menelaus will be nothing but a pale comparison to my beloved Theseus.

(longingly) Theseus; such a man of legend. His deeds have spread through all lands far and wide. The slaying of the Minotaur with his bare hands, the battle with the centaurs, his kingship of Athens; these are but a few of his deeds. One so highly regarded seldom meets expectation upon encountering but Theseus far surpassed any notion I could ever have conceived for him.

When I was just a young girl he came to my home... (upon reflection) my father's home. Already there was much talk of my beauty throughout Greece but he was not interested in my beauty but the challenge of acquiring it. Through the balcony he climbed into my bedchamber after scaling the palace wall just to reach me. I doubt greatly that any one of my current suitors would have risked as much to reach me. My brothers of course were the greatest danger of all for him and when I told him of this he laughed with not a trace of fear in his eyes. He wanted me for his own as just reward for the danger he had undertaken and even in my youth I gladly consented to go with him. It took no other convincing than the look in his eyes for me to obey all that he asked, nay, commanded me.

Even in my youth men were so dumbfounded by my presence they would cut their mother's throat if I but asked it of them. Still to this day any mortal man I meet loses control of all his senses and is no more than a puppet to do as I please with. But Theseus... Theseus never let my beauty overpower him. He longed not just for his prize nor for the danger it entailed but he wished only for me. No other can ever equal what he was to me. There were many things I knew not at that age but I knew for a certainty that I loved him dearly. I have loved him ever since and news of his death pains me greatly.

He was so magnificent that I thought him immortal. Proof of his mortality only increases his greatness. The gods can do much with their breeding, I am witness and example, but to know Theseus was a mere mortal... he is even greater than I had believed.

He took me away that very night and hid me away in a small town whose name not even I recall now. He and his friend Pirithoüs were off on one final adventure and then he was to return to me and I was to be his queen. Still the words 'his queen' rings so sweetly in my ears. Never again will I find greater joy than hearing that promise fall from his tongue. He and his companion journeyed to Hades' realm to attempt to abduct Persephone herself from Lord Hades' side. Now that I am grown I realize the foolishness of that endeavor; the endeavor that cost me my love.

While they were away my brothers Castor and Pollux found where I had been hidden and marched an army to return me to my father's home. It did not take long for the town's people to release me to my brothers for they knew nothing of the love between Theseus and I. Had the citizens known perhaps they would have acted differently. Perhaps they gladly would have given their lives to protect such a lovely pairing as we two. Our love was formed in Olympus itself. No one should have wrested that away from us.

When returned to my home guards were set at my very doors to ward off any further attempt to take me. Castor and Pollux both swore to slay Theseus should they ever look upon his face and bragged heartily with too much wine that the great Theseus should count himself lucky he was already in Hades when they found me.

But even with my brothers' hatred for him, with guards at watch over me day and night and even with my father's prohibition of any talk even down to the very name of Theseus in his palace; even with all the wretched ordinances in place I still waited for him to return for me. For months sleep only found me momentarily and when it did I dreamt of him; of his strength, of his might, of his attitude toward me, of the way he made me feel like a person instead of just a simple manifestation of beauty. I was young yet I loved him very deeply.

There are few things sadder than being unable to speak of the first love... (upon reflection) the only love a person has. When I tried to tell friends, my family or even handmaidens and servants of my love for Theseus all would flee fearful of my father's decrees. No one listened to me then just as no one listens now. They see only the beauty of the gods in me and can think of nothing more.

(Tyndareus and Menelaus enter from right.)

Tyn: My daughter; this is Menelaus. Of all the men in creation this is he whom I have chosen for you to wed. He is the finest of all those who came to the house of Tyndareus to claim you.

Menelaus: (with a bow) My queen. Together we shall reign as the gods see fit and our love will be that which rouses the jealousy of men. Your father has graciously given me the city of Sparta to rule over; a fitting home for the beauty of a goddess. (he studies Helen intently) How awestruck I am at the sight of you so near to me. I feel I commit transgression against Olympus by touching your flesh.

Helen: (bowing) Your highness.

Menelaus: Please my queen, refer to me as your king as I refer to you as my queen.

Helen: As you will my king.

Menelaus: Tell me are you ready to bid farewell to your father? I must admit my eagerness at assuming my newfound kingship.

Helen: And I must admit my eagerness at assuming a new home. These walls have surrounded me far too long.

Menelaus: My queen, it is not we who leave this place but Tyndareus.

(Helen looks at Tyndareus questioningly.)

Tyn: I go to dwell with Nestor of Pylos for a time. I know not how long that time will be but I will see you again before my years confine me to my bed.

Helen: (without shock but disappointment, as if she knew her leaving the palace was too good to be true) Then I remain here still?

Menelaus: Do you find fault with this land?

Helen: No my king.

Menelaus: Then if your father the king wills it and the gods above will allow it let us begin our rule of this kingdom of ours.

Helen: As you wish. (to Tyndareus) Fare thee well father.

Tyn: (slightly surprised) Helen I will not leave before the wedding. Tomorrow my journey for Pylos will begin.

Helen: Is the wedding to be so soon?

Tyn: My dear your attendants have already made the arrangements.

Helen: It is good for you to leave father. I should not wish a fate of confinement in this place upon you. Greatly I have felt such pangs and I recommend them to no one.

(With no one acknowledging her last statement Helen and Menelaus exit right. Servant enters from the right once they have gone.)

Servant: Sire, you sent for me?

Tyn: I did. Walk with me so I may speak of the arrangements which need to be made for my departure.

Servant: Yes my king. Sire?

Tyn: Speak.

Servant: Would it be within your kindness to allow me to journey to Pylos with you so that I may serve you there as I have done in Sparta?

Tyn: Will you not miss your home here? Will you not miss living with the grandeur that is my daughter Helen?

Servant: No more than any other herein.

Tyn: Tell me your meaning with those words.

Servant: (in an effort to conceal his own emotional wounds) Forgive me if I have unwittingly caused offense my lord. It is only her distance from all the servants of this palace I speak of. Many who attend her daily have never heard the voice spill from her lips.

Tyn: But they have gazed at her beauty, servant. That is an honor that so few will ever be afforded. She truly lives in the body of a goddess.

Servant: If I may sire; she may have the fleshly raiment of a goddess but her soul is still as mortal as ours.

[Seven Years Pass]

(In Sparta Helen sits in Menelaus' palace gazing out a window silently. It is the same room and the same window she gazed out of at the beginning of the play. Little has changed. Menelaus enters her bedchamber from the left.)

Menelaus: My queen. How does the morning find you?

Helen: It finds me the same as the one before it and the one before that. And tomorrow will find me the same still. How fares your kingdom my king?

Menelaus: As gloriously as that before it. Sparta thrives under my rule just as your father knew it would.

Helen: Has it really been seven years since last we saw him?

Menelaus: Indeed it has. We have not seen his face since he relinquished your hand to mine. It did not take him long to make his leave of Sparta for Pylos and with the companionship of old Nestor I am sure the one keeps the other in good company. Do you wish to see your father? We could perhaps travel and stay with him for a time.

Helen: You have your kingdom to rule. We cannot leave it to its own devices.

Menelaus: Then perhaps you could go on your own. Would that appeal to you?

Helen: Has my father sent word to me these last, long years?

Menelaus: Not that I am aware of.

Helen: Then he lives well enough without hearing from me. He has his memory of my beauty and that is enough to keep his mind at ease.

Menelaus: I am sure he would wish to look upon you again. The beauty of your eyes alone could add years to his life. Perhaps after our visitors have left us we can arrange for you to journey there.

Helen: We have visitors?

Menelaus: They arrived this morning. A man named Paris and his attendants have sailed here and tell that they are on a mission from the gods. I have extended to them our hospitality and the good will of the whole of Sparta while they are on their task. I have begun a feast for their first night here and it should prove a splendid evening. You will of course honor our guests with your presence.

Helen: Of course my king.

Menelaus: They have not traveled long but they could have sailed a thousand years and not seen someone such as you my queen. You bring such hysteria to the minds of men. Aphrodite herself is no equal to you.

Helen: Take care how you speak of the goddesses my king. They do not take kindly to insult.

Menelaus: I have in no way insulted the goddesses. What I speak of is merely fact. Is it wrong to speak of one flower's scent as being sweeter than another's?

Helen: The goddesses are not as simple as flowers my king.

Menelaus: Enough of this. Our guests are being taken to their rooms as we speak. You should make ready to greet them if only for a short while.

Helen: Should I not entertain our guests appropriately?

Menelaus: I have learned that men fare better in your presence if they are distanced from it. Men's imaginations are far safer than lusts before their eyes.

Helen: As you will sire.

(Menelaus exits left and Helen exits right.)

(Scene ends.)

(Menelaus and Paris enter a dining hall from the left with Menelaus wearing different clothing.)

Menelaus: You make Ida seem such a lovely place Paris.

Paris: Idyllic is a word many use when they see Mt. Ida for the first time but suffer that opinion on the mountain side a year and it will fester into hatred.

Menelaus: Disposition towards the idyllic depends on where you hail from. To many a near-secluded mountain abode seems like paradise indeed.

Paris: But to others it feels like a wasteland. There is nothing on Ida save the sheep.

Menelaus: (jovially) Well would you rather it be ravaged by war Paris?

Paris: Something so long as it was different would be a blessing to that place.

Menelaus: (happily) War is indeed a great gift from the gods. Ares is a welcome deity for me but war is only a gift if it is not on your home soil. Even in the best of wars a town can be razed to the ground and mountain sides can burn as if it were a mammoth pyre. But enough of Ares, tell me of this task the gods have bestowed upon you.

Paris: I may not speak of this errand that has brought me to Sparta but please know that it is the will of the gods that bring me here. I must humbly thank you Menelaus for the generosity you have shown to my men and I. Were it not for your hospitality it would not be possible for me to obtain my goal.

Menelaus: You may keep your secrets young Paris. If the gods will it then it must be so.

Paris: Thank you sire.

Menelaus: How long will you be staying with us then?

Paris: The goddesses have not spoken to me on this but I expect it should not take me long to be back to the Aegean.

Menelaus: You must be on a quest from Olympus! My queen and I spoke of the goddesses only this morning. When the power of the denizens of Olympus are about it lingers in the air as the sunshine for all to see even if they do not realize they see it at all.

(Helen enters from the right.)

Menelaus: And there my queen appears as we speak of her; a goddess in her own right! Helen, this is our guest Paris. He knows not the duration of his stay but his quest is a divine one and therefore he will be welcome here so long as he needs our help.

Helen: (indifferently and without bowing) A pleasure Paris.

Paris: (acting as if indifferent) Your highness. Much talk has reached me of your beauty and I can attest they did you no justice.

Helen: Indeed Paris.

Menelaus: My queen regrettably will not be dining with us. Her will is her own I am afraid and she dislikes taking food amongst those she has only just acquainted herself with.

Paris: I take no offense in this good king.

Menelaus: Good good. Helen, if you will take your leave of us we have much wine to drink and many words to speak which should not reach the ears of the fairer race.

Helen: Certainly my king. (to Paris) Treat this home as your own Paris and let no need go unfulfilled.

Paris: (bowing again) My queen.

(Helen exits right.)

Paris: (to himself) It would seem she spoke the truth.

Menelaus: Who spoke of truth Paris?

Paris: (lying) Rumors Menelaus. I envision all rumor to be of a woman's tongue.

Menelaus: Not far from the truth itself. Tell me Paris; is Helen not the ideal of perfection? Do you not feel Zeus himself has honored us with her mere presence?

Paris: Indeed good Menelaus. For only Zeus could bestow such beauty on flesh.

Menelaus: Do you think me fortunate to have her? (Menelaus lifts a wine cup from a nearby table and drinks from it) Does her footfalls in my kingdom bring me higher valor amongst men?

Paris: Your deeds bring you valor my king. Do I think you fortunate to have Helen for yourself? Undoubtedly.

Menelaus: Helen is both beauty and curse. Have you ever loved a beautiful woman Paris? Have you known the pain that men's lascivious gazes bring about in you when directed toward one you love so dearly? Any man in any land would gladly open my throat for her love yet I have her already and she loves me not.

Paris: Surely you speak an untruth.

Menelaus: Paris she sits in idle wait for a life that I cannot grant her. She wishes a world of her own making with all her dreams fulfilled yet she does not know what life would bring her joy. She lives each waking moment in want but not even she knows what fulfilled desire would bring her joy. I know only that she is unsatisfied with me and all she lays claim to in Sparta.

Paris: What makes you think these things Menelaus? And why speak them to me?

Menelaus: (boisterously) Wine my lad! (he drinks from his wine) That is why my tongue is loose now. Long past are the days when I try to bind my words. The things I speak of are known to all who reside here. Helen bears a life with me for lack of another life. She does not know what would bring her happiness but when I cannot rouse her passions she harbors hidden hatred for me. Is it my task to present her with the joy she desires when even she does not know what that would be?

Paris: Menelaus perhaps you should...

Menelaus: (with the air of command) Do not presume to know what I should and should not do in my kingdom! (Paris is silenced and upon seeing his dismay Menelaus composes himself and speaks calmly once again) My apologies Paris. Wine is said to be of two natures and while it may make us feel as the gods feel one moment the next we bicker like dogs over scraps of food. I mean you no insult in my home.

Paris: You have not...

Menelaus: (not caring if Paris finishes) Helen. Her beauty mocks me. She is a creature that knows not her own strength over men.

Paris: Am I to presume that Helen has been...

Menelaus: To my knowledge she has no lover.

Paris: Save yourself of course.

Menelaus: Helen's bedchamber has been closed to me for years. I am a king! And yet my queen is unyielding to my demands. (takes a drink) But still she is mine. She is mine to bring me the honor and the jealousy of those who walk this world. Could I ever cast her aside as I would any other woman who treated me as lowly?

Paris: (begins to answer but is immediately interrupted)

Menelaus: Of course not. Though she be filled with disdain for me and black as a widow toward my advances she is still the loveliest creature any will ever behold. (maliciously) Until she walks amongst the dead she shall be mine and beholden to no other.

Paris: It pains me to hear of your sorrow Menelaus. If there was some remedy I could bring surely you know that I would offer it gladly.

Menelaus: No man has remedy for my wounded love. Only she may heal me of my affliction but it would seem Helen is intent to watch my passions burn only to revel as they wither away.

Paris: If she is unhappy in your home Menelaus what shall you do when she finds another? Women such as she do not stay lonely long.

Menelaus: When she finds another? (he takes a drink) When she finds another? (at a quick, agitated pace) Many nights I have lain with the maidens of my kingdom all the while wishing they were Helen and on many occasions my thoughts had gone mad with blood lust. Desire has taken hold in me to take hold of another and bestow upon him my hatred for her and of the base game she plays at. Should another take her heart I shall find him as the Furies find their poor victims but my drive will not be toward suicide but anguish. Anguish and torments that only the living can know. I will bring every practitioner of medicines to aid in his longevity so that my vengeance will have no limit governed by my enemy's thresholds. The man who dares take my beautiful queen from me will suffer until the gods of Olympus themselves take pity on him and grant him rest. For as long as that man drew breath it would be my utmost responsibility to make that breath a pained one.

Paris: Do you only stay with her to fight for her?

Menelaus: As I said: I will never release her to another. She will always be mine and if she intends on withdrawing herself from me then I will take my pleasures where I can find them. I take no delectation from the adoration for her past love Theseus. She speaks of him as if he were the water to a dying man's thirst. Many are the days where she looks upon me to find the qualities of his that I lack in her eyes. She will forever pine for a love she felt as a child. She clings to the trinkets he gave her during their brief time together turning each bead in a necklace she received by him while she counts away at her sorrows.

Paris: But what sorrows could she have? Her beauty is known throughout the world. Every man with a beating heart hears the name Helen and his heart beats for her. She is queen of this land and daughter to her father's realm. Nothing is too far from her grasp should she wish to obtain it and still she suffers sorrow?

Menelaus: It is because she has all she wishes that she suffers. She has nothing to wish for. All is obtainable for her therefore she strives for nothing.

Paris: Menelaus have you thought of forgetting this woman? Do her misdeeds not evoke the customary response in you to cast her aside for another?

Menelaus: Have you heard not one of my words Paris? Have my pleas fallen on the ears of those who cannot hear them? Long have I wished I could do away with her, long have I wished that she were not the whole of my thoughts but so long as I live I will never be loose of her siren's call. Her beauty will forever bind me to her but her deeds will forever drive me to madness. I cannot pry my thoughts away from her being with another man; one who would offer her the laughter and joy she craves so strongly. I envision her with others to bide my time until one day, perhaps, she will be satisfied with a mere king. It is not within me to do otherwise. (drinks his wine)

Paris: If you spend your days wishing for her to betray you for another then surely one day she will. Should you continually think of her finding her happiness elsewhere without your knowledge you will push her into another's arms. Spending your days hoping for a man to take your vengeance upon will one day fulfill your wishes all its own.

Menelaus: You speak truthfully Paris and I have convinced myself of that fact a thousand different ways but seeing inevitability does not cause it to vanish.

Paris: This is all the council I know to give you on this matter good king.

Menelaus: I do not seek council Paris. (somewhat defeated) I only wished admonishment. (Menelaus turns to exit and speaks as if in a daze) I wish you well on your journey young Paris. May the goddesses smile upon you in your task so you may prove to all Olympus that we mortals make for grand distraction against their endless years.

(Menelaus exits right and Paris exits left.)

(Scene ends.)

(Paris enters Helen's bedchamber from left. Helen stares out of her window as when she was introduced to be in Sparta.)

Paris: Helen?

Helen: Paris. What brings you to my quarters? Have you come to bide your time with me or do you merely wish to gaze at me before you leave Sparta on your task?

Paris: I have been in Sparta these few weeks awaiting a sign from the gods that I may continue my charge by them. I received that sign this morning when Menelaus came to me and told me of his dead kin. He has left Sparta for the sea to mourn his losses.

Helen: Yes. He came to me this morning and spoke of all.

Paris: With him gone I am now at liberty to speak of my task and why I have been brought to Sparta.

Helen: (uncaring) I am sure you are relieved to let go your burden. (she stares out the window again in a dismissing manner)

Paris: Helen. (with difficulty starting an overly rehearsed conversation) Three goddesses came to me to offer me boons. They made petitions to me things that only the gods may offer mortal man.

Helen: (without removing herself from the window) That is well for you.

Paris: I lived on Mt. Ida the whole of my life until they came to me. I believe that their appearance is the impetus for the commencement of my destiny.

Helen: I am sure you are right.

Paris: (dreamily) I could never have imagined how magnificent the goddesses were until they stood before me. One goddess, daughter of Zeus himself, offered to make me a great warrior king like Menelaus.

Helen: I am a daughter of Zeus and I have been wed to Menelaus himself.

Paris: The wife of Zeus offered to make me king of all the lands in existence. She told me all would know my title so long as their buildings stand and their civilizations falter not. She told me if I accepted her petition that I would hold right over every creation of man.

Helen: An excellent boon to be offered in appreciation for no deed you had done.

Paris: Two goddesses offered me these things and still I chose you.

Helen: (stops looking out the window and turns to look at Paris) You chose me over ruling the entire world? Foolish little man.

Paris: As I look upon you I know I was no fool in doing so. I can see in your eyes how wisely I have chosen.

Helen: If you ruled over the whole of the world you could have had me in any case. Who would refuse you should you hold sway amongst all who reside in the kingdoms of man?

Paris: The love goddess herself promised you to me. If I were ruler of all the world you would agree to my wishes but your heart would be elsewhere. If Aphrodite should lend me your heart then it truly would be mine.

Helen: My heart is not an object to be bargained with. Can you weigh it to prove its worth or burn it to test that it is genuine? No god or goddess can give away the hearts of mortals for they have no heart of their own. This is why mortals give them pleasure. The Olympians watch us and interfere with our lives because the boredom of the immortals brings desperation to their halls. Zeus gave us hearts so that we would have something they could not touch or barter with and therefore make us infinitely unpredictable.

Paris: Why do you speak so ill of the gods? Have they not given you all any woman could ever ask for?

Helen: My beauty is a curse to me that will forever distract others from what lays beneath it.

Paris: I can see what beauty lies behind those eyes.

Helen: You know nothing of me Paris and wish to know nothing of me.

Paris: I know I can give you all the things Menelaus could not. I can offer you the love that a warrior king is unable to show you. (pleadingly) The very gods wish us to be united Helen.

Helen: The gods want what will bring them pleasure. Sometimes I think the Olympians act more like mortals than we mortals.

Paris: Helen I offer you a chance at the life you wish to live. The gods have made it within my power to give you what you have longed for while being trapped within these walls wed to an uncaring king because your father wished it to be so. Unfairly he promised you to a husband that could never love you as I do now.

Helen: You do not love me Paris. You merely wish to possess me. And do you truly think that Aphrodite offered me to you for the good of us all? You would do well to believe me when I say that her own best interests are her only concern in this matter.

Paris: But you have suffered here so long and now the gods have made it within my power to release you from these lands.

Helen: Do you not think that I could leave Sparta if I wished it? Menelaus does not hold me here like some common thief as you have convinced yourself.

Paris: Then why do you stay?

Helen: Because I wish it.

Paris: And if you wished otherwise where would you go?

Helen: I do not know.

Paris: Is the life you live now what you want your life to be?

Helen: No.

Paris: Then why not leave for another life of your own design? Why stay here as you have the whole of your life if it brings you sorrow to do so?

Helen: Because anywhere I went my life would be the same. If I were wed to another I would still waste my days longing for another life. It would only be a different window in a different bedchamber that I spent my days staring out.

Paris: Come with me Helen. Let us be rid of this place.

Helen: (skeptical) And where would we go?

Paris: Aphrodite has told me to sail to Troy. There we will find our sanctuary. The gods have decreed that this is our destiny.

Helen: This is your destiny Paris not mine.

Paris: (without concern for her last words) Will you come with me Helen?

Helen: Yes Paris. I will go with you.

Paris: Then I will ready our ship. Bring with you but a few things. No one in this house will prohibit your leaving.

(Paris triumphantly exits left.)

Helen: If we mortals must by our nature strive to be as the Olympians then I will sail with Paris to alter my lot merely for the sake of change. Isn't that what the gods wish above all else? Do they not seek distraction from their eternity of repetition however trivial that distraction may be? Paris is no different than any other who has sought my affections but if he offers at the least what I already possess then perhaps the result of my abandonment of Menelaus and Sparta will please the gods through consequence. Others have decided the whole of my life for me. I see no reason why I should take part in my ambitions now.

(Helen collects the necklace Theseus gave her and looks at it thoughtfully for a moment. She then exits left behind Paris.)

[Ten Years Pass]

(Two guards sit center stage after a day of battle.)

1: Why are we here?

2: Because the Trojans still collect their dead to the east and we have been ordered to remain here so no more fighting breaks out. The day is nearly done and where there is no light to be seen there can be none slaughtered.

1: Not why are we here in this spot, why are we here in Troy?

2: We are fighting the war of our kings.

1: Have you ever dined with your king? When his children were born did he send envoys to your home delivering the news? When your king wishes to pass a new law does he ask your opinion of it before he does so?

2: No king requires the council of soldiers such as we.

1: This war was started because of Menelaus' wife.

2: Helen.

1: Yes Helen, queen of Sparta. When you and your wife quarrel do you seek the king's wisdom in dealing with her?

2: What are you getting at?

1: We have been here ten years brother. We fight Trojans daily because a king's wife ran away to be with a prince of Troy. If my wife left me for another man would Menelaus besiege his home?

2: You don't have a wife.

1: (angrily) If I were still in Sparta I would have a wife by now! Menelaus has marched me off to fight his war robbing me of my wife because his own has left him.

(3 enters.)

3: (in greeting) Men.

(1 and 2 wave silently to 3.)

1: How much longer can this last? How long are we to fight Trojans who they themselves hate the very same Helen we loathe as well? The Trojans did not ask for this war. King Priam did not ask for this war. Hector did not ask for this war. Not a single Greek or Trojan has any love for Helen, Paris or Menelaus and yet we all fight this never ending battle for them.

3: You fight for your king. It is not our place to ask why but to ask what we may do to champion his cause. The gods chose Menelaus to rule Sparta and surely they have reason for the battles we fight.

1: You think far too highly of the gods. They are spectators in this game and watch us as one who views maggots devouring the deceased. The gods look upon us with disgust and yet they cannot bring themselves to look away.

2: I just ate you know. It is bad enough I have to kill Trojans all day and then have my meals while soaked in their blood; I could do without hearing you describe their state a day after I lay them home to the Trojan soil.

3: (to 1) These words you have, this disdain for your rulers, this does not help us end this war. We have all wearied of Ilium's sandy shores and every one of us; be it king, hero or soldier want to sleep in our own beds once again but we cannot abandon our fight now. Eventually one side or the other will falter and we can at last sail home to watch our children grow once again.

2: Please stop making me miss my home. The burden is so much the greater when I am unable to rid myself of the images my mind still clings to.

1: (referring to 2) Look you upset him further. Can the man not be left to think on all the men he has killed in combat without being bothered to think of the loving family he has left behind.

3: I tell you no good will come of your bickering. We all grow weary of this battle but we can not forsake our king now.

1: Do you think your king is concerned with you at all? Does he know your face? Has he met the wife you have left behind?

2: Please I do not want to hear this.

3: If you feel you have just cause for complaint perhaps you should seek an audience with your king.

1: (growing violently agitated) Perhaps you should say one more...

2: Enough! We all know there is no sailing home until Troy has fallen. Helen's return will not end the war at this point. Only the razing of Ilium will send us back to the sea. We should count ourselves fortunate that we even have a goal to strive toward. None of us wanted to come here but when we first arrived ashore we fought valiantly and with much love of the killing sport. The Trojans are truly worthy adversaries to have defended their city as long as they have and we should take pride in knowing that this is our war and this is the only war we will ever be asked to fight for the rest of our days. When Troy burns no one will test the might of the Greeks again within our life time.

1: If Troy burns. You have forgotten...

(Menelaus enters and interrupts 1.)

Menelaus: It is quite a ruckus amongst the three of you. You squabble like old maids over choice of hens. (all three soldiers are silent) Have you nothing to say to your king? Am I not fit for inclusion in such heated arguments?

1: We were merely talking sire.

3: Long are the days of battle and at sun's setting we forget that our enemies have fled to their city and all who remain are Greeks.

Menelaus: Is it easy to mistake your brethren for the enemy?

3: No my king. It is simply that our blood still rages for...

Menelaus: The shedding of blood. (to 1) Tell me; do you think me unfit to be your king?

1: Of course not sire.

Menelaus: Then why do you question my judgments so?

1: I only miss our homeland good king.

Menelaus: The home that I have made worth missing.

1: Indeed sire.

Menelaus: This war will not go on another year. I need no prophet to tell me that soon Troy will fall beneath my sword. War is not meant to last so long as this. The Trojans are worthy adversaries indeed but know this: Trojans fight for a queen they hate because she brought war to their lands. For this reason the Trojans shall fail where we Greeks will succeed. I am not asking you to wish my wife returned to me out of my love for her. I ask that you imagine the pain I wish to inflict on her. I ask that you consider the rage toward her that ten long years have brought about in me. Men, I ask only that when the walls of Ilium fall you stay close by my side because when I find Helen every man in this army will have my permission to take her by force before my eyes. Your reward is an opportunity to quench your lusts by tasting of the most beautiful woman to ever walk this world. Look forward to this reward and soon your feet will be on your home soil once again.

(Scene ends.)

(Reopens with Paris lying on a table to the left writhing in agony from an arrow protruding from his midsection. He shouts in pain frequently. Priam sits by his side motionless and silent with his back to the audience. Helen enters from the right quietly and says nothing. The sight of Paris injured evokes no response from her. She keeps her distance from Paris and Priam and an uncomfortable, prolonged silence prevails until finally broken by King Priam.)

Priam: A long time I have been here by my son's side. Since the arrow found his flesh with an accuracy only the gods could lend I have been with Paris and listened to his anguished cries to the heavens for he knows nowhere else to send them. When Paris was born I sent him away from this place because the oracle told me that his life would be the end of this city and yet he has returned to Troy to bring its demise. I have poured my life into the wellspring of Ilium in attempt to create a kingdom that my lineage could rule in my stead. Hector was always my successor but now he is dead. The Greeks stand at Ilium's door ready to devour it like the scavengers that have flown over this city since those truculent warriors washed up on our shores. I have been with Paris since this wound was inflicted upon him for I crave to derive my pleasures from his torment. But madness reigns in Paris' mind so that he does not feel his pain but rather the fear of Hades' realm. That is now the cause of his distress. He claimed moments ago to have seen his brother Hector, stricken with the confusion of the newly dead, not knowing which way was what. Paris told me never had he seen such a man in such a dire state and I replied that Hector no longer is a man but is what we all become once we have left this flesh. (Priam rises from his seat and begins speaking directly to Helen) How low a state I have obtained that I would strive for another's anguish, my own son's anguish, to bring me joy. Paris deserves his death now and by rights he deserves every splinter of pain that courses through his body but still I am unable to hear my delectation in his misery.

Helen: I am sorry for Paris' wound King Priam.

Priam: Paris still breathes Helen though you are unconcerned with him living or dead.

Helen: What do you know of the concerns I hold?

Priam: I am not a young man Helen. Many years have passed before my eyes along with the lust for mere beauty that as of this moment has allowed you to live so highly as you do. You are a great evil in this land Helen and only Paris' love for you has kept you alive amongst the Trojans.

Helen: Do you think it easy for me to live amongst a people who despise me? When I look upon the widowed wives holding their fatherless children do I not feel that I myself am responsible?

Priam: I do not care Helen. Not about your pain or your suffering or your beauty or your lineage. It may be that I am the only creature you have ever known that does not care anything for you. My concern is the Greek pestilence you have invited to my lands to kill the sons and fathers of my people. I care more about that dastardly husband of yours who marches his armies to my very walls than I will ever care about the spoiled woman child who stands before me now.

(Priam calls offstage for Paris to be removed from left. The table Paris lays across is removed along with him.)

Helen: You have no right to insult me Priam and I will not stand for it!

Priam: What will you do? Flee this palace so that the wives of slain soldiers may in turn slay you to quench their losses? Or worse, turn yourself over to Menelaus so he may quell his anger against you? You have no where to go and no one to run to. There is no savior for you in this place or any other.

Helen: What is it you plan to do? Have your way with me as your son lies dying in your kingdom?

Priam: (laughs maddeningly almost shouting his humor) Helen. I have no base use for you and therefore have no use for you at all. My dear girl I do not wish to lie with you I wish to have you slain.

Helen: You will find I have the fight of my father Zeus in me old king.

Priam: With a certainty but what I wish is your blood to repay the debt you have incurred by damning my people and denying them the safety of their city. Your blood shall heal the son you have nearly fell because of your lack of love for him.

Helen: What makes you think...

Priam: His love for you when not repaid grew to the obsession it is within him this day. He worships you as a goddess as all men do but he has tasted of the goddess and cannot wash that taste from his mouth.

Helen: (becoming scared and starting to move around the stage) King Priam my blood will not heal Paris. My death will only...

Priam: Many years have passed since I have had use for a woman besides the need for cleaned sheets and warm food before me.

Helen: Should Paris arise from his wound and discover...

Priam: Men's minds have been muddled far too long by the daughter of Zeus.

Helen: What would Paris...

Priam: (Priam draws a dagger) The time has come for the Olympians to weary of your company as have we of the mortal flesh.

(Helen flees offstage right while Priam laughs maniacally without bothering to pursue her.)

Priam: Flee girl flee! Who will save you but yourself?

(Scene ends.)

(Helen sits in her bed chamber staring out of her window just as she did while in Sparta.)

Helen: Troy is falling. The Greeks have penetrated its walls by means of their plots and their cunning. It was only a matter of time before they began the slaughter of this city. They sweep across the streets like fire spreading death and destruction to any and all who defend against them. Those that flee one sword find another around the first shadow their feet bring them to. Already those homes closest to the walls lay in embers and already the guard has fallen from the flesh to the underworld. The insects that are the Greeks have invaded the fruit of Ilium and lay it to waste. Once Apollo's chariot has brought the sun's light to these shores he will see a realm in ruins. Soon my estranged husband will come to reclaim me and my thoughts go to a ruination of my own making. Should I fling myself from this window, a witness to all Troy's despair, and give those doomed Trojans one final view to take to Hades? Would my death on the rocks below this bed chamber bring them one last glimpse of happiness as the blood flees their veins to stain the earth? I cannot doom myself as I have doomed this city. I am far too weak. When I left Sparta with Paris I knew Menelaus would follow but that was as far as my thoughts would allow. I needed no prophet to tell me what my betrayal would cause and yet as it happened those ten long years ago I could only think of myself and my own lack of love toward my life. If only I could go back to that day and make a life worth living for myself in Sparta. If only I had made my own destiny there. But I can go back to that day no more easily than I could bring down the moon and cast it into the Aegean. I can only go back to Sparta.

(1, 2 and 3 enter from left. They remain distanced from her and do not think she can hear their talks.)

3: There is the queen!

1: She sits and watches Troy burn! A cold heart dwells in her who would willfully watch as her town burns.

2: We should alert Menelaus that we have found her.

1: I believe that he has promised us the prize of her flesh once she has been retrieved and that is a prize well worth ten years' fighting now that my eyes have found her.

3: We will wait for Menelaus before we partake in his offerings. Let he who has promised her to us offer her to us himself.

1: Why should we wait for Menelaus to make good on his word? If he should have a change of heart or mind I would still like my reward all the same. I say we take her this very moment to convince Menelaus that his promises of reward should remain true.

2: You have waited ten years for this war to end and you cannot wait a minute more for Menelaus to bestow his gifts?

1: He will not give her to us I promise you. But if he sees we have taken what is rightfully ours then he will find no cause to stop the rest of the Greeks from having their reward as well.

3: What greed has taken you in this hour of our victory?! We have a city of gold burning victorious before us and a home to return to where a hero's praise awaits us and you would gladly sacrifice that for a moment's passion?

1: Do you think Menelaus will go back on his word as I do? Do you admit that he swore falsely to us so we may be invigorated to battle once more?

2: (to 1) He is right. Wait for Menelaus to consent our reward should he wish us to receive it. Do not be foolish enough to think that she is unable to change his heart.

Helen: Has he promised you my bed? Has ten years of war claimed him a victim of barbarism?

1: He has promised us...

(Menelaus enters right.)

Menelaus: Enough! (to 1, 2 and 3) Leave us.

1: Sire we...

Menelaus: (with malice) Must I repeat my request?

(1, 2 and 3 silently exit left. Menelaus meanders around Helen's bedchamber slowly as if in thought. It is quiet enough to hear each slow footfall though just beyond the bedchamber walls a city burns to the ground.)

Menelaus: Your father is dead Helen. (pauses for a reaction but does not receive one) He died nine years ago in his bed. Did you know of this?

Helen: It has been many years since I could hear news of Sparta or its former rulers.

Menelaus: The Greeks allowed messengers to leave and return to Troy as they wished. We knew their communications would matter little to the outcome of this war and we were correct in our assumptions. You could have sent word to your father of your well-being and inquired of his but you chose not to.

Helen: And if I had sent word for Castor and Pollux to aid me in our war against the Greeks?

Menelaus: Castor and Pollux are Spartans Helen. They would not have rallied against their own nation for foolishness on their sister's part even if they were fit for battle.

Helen: I assure you that age holds no sway over their ability to wield a sword.

Menelaus: Perhaps you are right but death holds sway over us all and as we all know death is ageless.

Helen: Castor and Pollux are dead as well?

Menelaus: A man named Idas killed Castor in his sleep over something as simple and paltry as a dispute over cattle. Pollux was beside himself with a grief that the death of Castor's killer would not quench. Some say Pollux bargained with the gods to join his brother in the afterlife which would explain Pollux's disappearance from the eyes of men. Did you know people believed your brother to be immortal?

Helen: People believe that I am immortal as well.

Menelaus: But we both know that to be false. One needs only to gaze at the furrows across your countenance to know that your beauty, as all beauty does, has faded away.

Helen: If my beauty has left me then I am certain you have no further use for me Menelaus.

Menelaus: Ah but I do Helen. You are bound to me until the end of your days. Have you not realized this?

Helen: I am bound to you so that you can offer me as a prize to your soldiers? Have you agreed to give them your leavings?

Menelaus: I admit that in my anger I offered you to them. Morale has waned amongst the Greeks for years now and I only wished to offer these brave fighters an apt reward for volunteered hardships.

Helen: By giving them aged beauty?

Menelaus: You have aged my love but you will forever be the quintessence of true beauty. Old and grey on your deathbed the physicians will find it difficult to concentrate on their work while they study your features.

Helen: Must you mock me Menelaus?! What have I done to you to warrant this? I did not ask for your marriage or your kingdom or for you to sail the whole of the Greeks to pillage Troy. I did not offer to love you and by no action did I cause you to believe that I did.

Menelaus: You forget your place. Though you be the fairest of any woman you are just that Helen; a woman. But you are a beautiful woman and therefore you hold a great weapon in your hand. Your kind, the beautiful to look upon, are much more fierce than any soldier I could ever train because a beautiful woman can use her wiles to bid any man to do as she wishes of him. But if I were not here offering you my protection you would die in this very room under the weight of those who would seek reward for ten year's frustration.

Helen: You extend your protection to me? Why? What do you want of me?

Menelaus: I love you Helen just as any man does who has laid eyes upon you. And though I hate you and had every intention to cut your throat once I saw you I still cannot bring myself to bring harm to your exquisite form. Years I have spent plotting your demise: the feel of your throat as the windpipe collapsed in my grasp, the thought of my arms raised to the heavens while the warmth of your blood coursed from my hands down my body with the slither of serpents, the image of terror in your eyes when you realized that you were about to die and that briefest of resignations to your fate. Oh how I've longed for that and so much more! Yet I am unable to grant myself revenge for your misdeeds and your betrayals.

Helen: And what of Paris? Will you quench your frustrations on him?

Menelaus: Paris will be dead before I can exact my vengeance on him.

Helen: Even with that knowledge I will not tell you where he can be found.

Menelaus: (somewhat cheerfully) I know where he is Helen. He has been taken to Mt. Ida where a healer resides. Several of my soldiers follow him as we speak but from my understanding he is in ill favor of the healer and should not expect her aid. (patronizingly) Did you truly know where he had been taken? (Helen is silent) Did you love him? (Helen is silent) Helen you may walk...

Helen: No I did not love him! He was simply one more aspect of a life that has been preordained and lived for me. I am the greatest victim of fate to have ever lived under Olympus. Do you know what it is like to have others live life for you?

Menelaus: I do not because I would not let others live my life. It is my own to live so I live it. Beautiful or not Helen your life is your own responsibility.

Helen: You speak nothing but foolishness Menelaus.

Menelaus: In any case you cannot fight learned soldiers as the ones who continue to burn Troy outside the walls of this chamber.

Helen: Learned soldiers? Do you not mean trained killers?

Menelaus: As you will. But you are unable to compete with them in combat and their hatred prohibits them from falling under any spells or temptations you may devise.

Helen: But soon they will Menelaus. In time they will have forgotten much about their years on Trojan shores. Their minds will lose this time spent in repetitious battle and one year of combat will become as one day to them. When that day comes I will again be more powerful than the great Menelaus.

Menelaus: (in agreement) When that day comes Helen age will have bettered you in the eyes of both young and old. But by that time the eyes of the old, those who fought this war, will be too dim to see what beauty remains to you and the young will think you a relic of days passed. The young will busy themselves with the young and the old will busy themselves with nothing for that is the way of our time amongst the living.

Helen: You say I have the power to live my own life? To make my days as I wish them to be?

Menelaus: I said you had the power to do so but that time has passed. Menelaus, king of Sparta, has taken the reins of your life for you are unfit to command them. What remains of your days will be spent in servitude to me for once you had the chance to live your life and you refused it. Now that life is mine to do with as I please. Come. My men wish to turn the fire upon this palace and I do not wish to keep them longer.

(Helen touches the necklace around her neck which was given to her by Theseus all those years ago. Menelaus walks up to her, pulls the necklace from her neck breaking it and casts it out the window. She puts up no resistance. Menelaus and Helen exit right.)

The End
L'sprit D'escalier
1

(Scene opens with Franklin and Cleo making out on the couch, she pulls away violently)

Cleo: You're on the shit again aren't you? You can't even fucking get it up anymore you worthless prick!

Franklin: Did you just call me a...

Cleo: I thought you weren't going to do this anymore?

Franklin: You don't see track marks all over me do you? I'm cutting back and doing a pretty goddamn good job of it. But you just won't quit bickering at me, will you?

Cleo: Don't feed me that cutting back bullshit. Do you know how hard it is for me to stay clean with you shooting up all the time?

Franklin: Oh! So I have to go through hell because you had a problem? I can handle my shit, honey. Just because you couldn't doesn't mean I have to change my way of fucking life.

Cleo: You'll never quit, will you?

Franklin: I was on this shit before I ever met you.

Cleo: No shit, we met at a fucking gallery! But baby, I don't want you to go through what I was going through. Quitting was easier for me than the shit that was happening to me when I was on it. All I have to do is stay clean. My life is so much better than it was and I just want you to feel this good. I want to help you. Stop doing this to yourself.

Franklin: You just want to help yourself. You are so goddamn self-centered it's unbelievable! The only thing that me quitting is going to do for you is make it so you're happy and I'm miserable. I don't do this shit 'cause I'm happy, Cleo! If I quit I won't be the same person you met and love. I'll be totally different. You don't know. You weren't on this shit for half as long as I've been. It didn't take a week for you to get clean. Do you know how monumental of a task it'll be for me to stop?

Cleo: (bursts into laughter) You think I love you? I'm just trying to do you a favor. I don't give two shits for a little junky fuck like you! I knew you wouldn't pimp me out and I'd have some company and a place to stay while I was getting high so I hooked up with you. The sex wasn't that bad till you junked yourself out so much I had to turn to my vibrator for companionship.

(Begins getting dressed and turns to leave)

Do you have any idea how many guys I've fucked behind your back? Next time you have a little get together just think about which of those friends of yours were pounding away on me when you were on a nod.

Franklin: Why you dirty little cunt!

Cleo: Franklin, don't try to save face. I just walked all over your balls and you know it. Do yourself a favor; get clean or you'll end up in a ditch somewhere. And try getting a girlfriend who wants to be your girlfriend.

(Slams the door and begins descending the stairs. Franklin leaps from the couch in pursuit and stops on the stairway)

Franklin: Don't you ever come back here you dirty slut! If I see your face again I'm going to pimp you out to the brothers on Broadway. You here me you disease ridden whore! I'm glad I'm too junked to fuck so I won't get your fucking syphilis!

(Is approached by Rob who was sitting by the stairway)

Rob: Hey, man! What the fuck was that?

Franklin: That stupid bitch! Goddamnit! She's fucked me over for the last time!

Rob: What is it?

Franklin: She's gone. That's it. It's over and done. She's left me.

Rob: Shit, man. I'm sorry.

Franklin: You're sorry, I'm sorry. What's it matter? She's fucking gone. (Sits on stairs and puts his head in his hands)

Rob: C'mon Franky, let's get off the street. You can tell me about it upstairs.

Franklin: Whatever.

(They go in and Rob sits on Franklin's couch, Franklin goes to a dresser and removes his supply box)

Franklin: Are you carrying anything?

Rob: Yeah, I got a couple of 20's left.

Franklin: Hook me up with one?

Rob: Sure sure.

(Rob gives Franklin a 20 out of a hiding spot on his person and Franklin starts fixing a hit)

Rob: So what happened?

Franklin: Well, you know we've been fighting a lot lately. Pretty much ever since Cleo got clean.

Rob: Yep. I can hear you all the way downstairs. I think you're starting to drive away my business. (Jokingly)

(Franklin stops and gives him a stare telling him he's not in a joking mood)

Franklin: Ever since she cleaned up she's been all over my ass to do the same.

Rob: Really?

Franklin: Yeah, and I told her that I can't quit because I really don't want to. You can't quit doing something unless you really don't want to do it anymore.

Rob: And you told her this?

Franklin: Almost every fight we got into. Cleo doesn't understand shit like that. She kicked because she was tired of it. I'm not.

Rob: I tried to tell you; druggy girl was just a little phase she was going through.

Franklin: Maybe. (Pause in conversation to shoot up. Leans back in chair as it washes over him)

Rob: Good?

Franklin: Shit yeah. Goddamn that's what I needed.

Rob: What started the fight?

Franklin: We were fooling around and I'd had a little taste this morning. She's such a fucking buzz kill, man. (Mocking her) 'I'm sick of this shit.' 'You're a fucking loser.' 'You'd better clean up or I'm out that goddamn door.' When she called me a loser I ask her, 'If I'm such a fucking loser what's that make you?'

Rob: What'd she say to that?

Franklin: She says it didn't make her anything because she was leaving. I asked her if she was fucking stupid because only the stupid fall in love with losers. You know what she said to that?

Rob: What?

Franklin: (pauses to collect himself) She...she tells me I'm by far the dumbest prick she's ever met. She said she never loved me. Called me junky trash. All she wanted was a little companionship while she was 'experimenting' with drugs and she didn't want to pick a guy who'd be bright enough to pimp her out.

Rob: She said that?

Franklin: Bear in mind I'm telling you shit that's meshed together from weeks of fighting.

Rob: Plus you're on drugs. But hey, nobody's memory's perfect.

Franklin: I just can't believe she could do this shit to me.

Rob: Listen Franky. Her leaving is a very great thing. Don't you see she was just taking advantage of you? She said so herself. Cleo is a scheming, conniving cunt. She manipulated you and played you like a drum. So don't get bent out of shape over it.

Franklin: I can't believe I let her take advantage of me like that. How could I be so blind?

Rob: Sex and drugs really do have a way of stupefying you, Franko.

Franklin: You can say that again.

Rob: Do you love her?

Franklin: Yeah, yeah I do.

Rob: Love doesn't help in matters such as these. It just makes you blind to certain truths.

Franklin: How could Cleo do that to me? How can people do that to other people?

Rob: People are cruel. It's a hard fact of life. But she took you for a ride because she knew she could and you let her. Don't hold yourself responsible because she chose you to manipulate. She's obviously gotten her way all her life by doing this same shit to other people. I'm sure she's well practiced in her scheming by now.

Franklin: And I fell for it like a goddamn fool.

Rob: Franko, it's like the first time you get mugged. You're scared, shaking and generally unaware of what to do. After it happens you realize; maybe I shouldn't go through this alley, maybe I shouldn't buy dope from these guys. Live and learn. You put yourself in a position to be taken advantage of just because you didn't know any better.

Franklin: I love her, Rob. This is the first time I've found someone to love.

Rob: And she saw that. You didn't love her. You loved the person she pretended to be.

2

(Monica sits alone on a patio writing on the table and sporadically sipping an alcoholic drink. Sun hat, sunglasses, the whole get up)

Monica: My psychiatrist told me I should start keeping a diary. I haven't had one of these since I was a little girl. Dr. Pearlman (who so graciously keeps me stocked up on anti-depressant drugs; blue V's, Prozac, even 'stupid pills' when I feel the need) is, from what I can tell, a genuine doctor though I always have a certain level of mistrust when it comes to a guy that is basically paid to make you happy. Either he wants to make me think I'm happy and content so I'll be cured, or he wants me to feel like shit eternally so my rich husband will continue paying him large amounts of money for a cure that will forever lie just beyond my grasp. I doubt Harold would mind very badly either way. I stay medicated enough to be passive and apathetic all the time to everything. He could show me off to his Ivy League friends in an attempt to make them drool or just ride me until he gets off knowing I'm too unconcerned to care. But I digress.

The point of this diary, or so the doc says, is so I can write down my inner most thoughts day by day. After writing for a bit I'm supposed to read everything I've written so I can acquire a moment of clarity through these innermost thoughts. Whatever. Whatever keeps me medicated. Whatever keeps me docile. Whatever keeps me from erupting. Whatever it takes to be able to live this life I've chosen. I'll do whatever it takes.

This is the good life, isn't it? Being married, having money, not giving a shit anymore about the little trivial things that consume one's life. And I do mean consume. Bills, shitty friends, the day to day need, love, life in fucking general. I've chosen something else. I'm living the life they tell you when you're a little girl that you'll have: a loving husband, lots of money, kids, cars, friends and everything else that makes us happy. The only difference is I'm not really in that fantasy. It's like childhood dreams in a blender with the grim reality that adulthood brings. I don't love my husband just as I doubt he loves me. Don't get me wrong; he pays for everything, I live in his home, he buys me pretty things and he takes care of me. Its just the love in his eyes for me is too closely related to the look in his eyes he gets when he buys a new sports car. Guess I'm more like a possession than anything to him. This fact used to hurt in the beginning, but adjustments have been made. All I have to do is stay out of his way when he's doing anything that doesn't need my presence. When its photo time he can call me up from the east wing of the house to the west, since that's usually where my solitude abounds. He calls me on the phone when we're in the same house. Is this the life I want?

I'm a doll and sometimes I think he's opening a doll's house. The first time I saw him bring another woman home it really didn't bother me. By that time I had already become furniture anyway. Whatever emotions I deluded myself into having were already crushed by then. The first time I saw him with another woman in his home I masturbated. I don't mean just pleasing myself, I was screaming and groaning. Screaming his name and god's and anyone else I could think of. I was performing an experiment. I figured Harold would call or send the butler or the maid. I thought he'd at least do something to make me shut the fuck up but no one ever came. I waited about ten minutes after I had finished and when no one came or called I searched the wing for people. I was going to shout at anyone I found. 'Didn't you hear me?' 'That was me in the throws of sexual passion!' 'Did you get hard when I came?' But no one was there. Not even a maid. I was the only one left in the entire wing. Nobody heard me. I was a tree falling in the woods. Maybe I didn't even make a sound.

After that, it never even fazed me to see his whores here. I've always had a desire to confront one of these women; not because of what they're doing, but to just be noticed. There has only been one occasion that I wanted anything in the world but to speak to one of them. He once brought Shelly here to his home which confirmed my belief he'd been bringing in prostitutes rather than just coming to my bedchamber or finding a teenage girl impressed by big houses and fast cars. There was a voice in my head urging me to go down there and beg her to take me out of this hell. But I was in the kind of hiding you only delve into when seeing old friends that for some reason you feel you should avoid. Shelly and I never really got along that well anyway. I'd imagine she took my leaving with the most bitterness of anyone. Bitterness and hatred.

I have a small fear that one session Dr. Pearlman is going to make me read bits of this to him. I have decided that I will never hand this over for his personal viewing. As long as it's in my hands he'll never know how I think he's a fucking quack and my husband has a small dick and he acts exactly like the spoiled rich kid that he is. Doctor patient confidentiality aside, there's always the chance this is one of Harold's sick little power trip plots. I stopped trying to figure out why he does shit like that. Maybe he gets off on it and it's as simple as that. His motivations for doing anything holds as much interest to me as the goddamn cocktail parties he makes me go to with him. They rank as highly in entertainment value as watching dust collect on a blank TV screen.

3

(Franklin and Rob are sitting in a bar together)

Rob: Goddamn there's some nice looking ass in here tonight!

Franklin: Good for them.

Rob: C'mon man. Get over that cunt Cleo and go meet people. Look at that pretty girl over there. She's been eyeing you all night and you won't even go over and talk to her.

Franklin: I don't even feel like moving right now. I wish this fucking bar had milk. My stomach's killing me!

Rob: That's cause you got junked up before we came, retard. How are you supposed to drink on that shit?

Franklin: I'm not. That's the whole point. I was looking quite forward to a quiet evening with my drugs until your dumb ass brought me to this fucking meat market.

Rob: What do you mean, 'meat market'?

Franklin: Look at these prissy little fucks. It's a bunch of goddamn college kids that want to get loaded on cheap booze and fuck the nearest frat boy. These people are vermin. 'Suck me and fuck me as long as you wine me and dine me.' Doesn't any of these bitches realize that if you require a guy to buy you things before you put out that makes you a hooker?

Rob: What?

Franklin: They're all prossies. The only difference between what they're doing and what hookers do is they get stuff instead of money. It's just a way to skip a step of spending the money themselves. Plus it makes it feel like they're loved cause somebody picks something out for them. If by random chance they actually get a gift they really want or they're shown a fun time they didn't expect; well it's fucking wedding bells chiming in a goddamn cathedral on a Sunday afternoon. Could probably buy a lot more stuff with the cash they'd make up front if they sold it instead of made people work for it.

Rob: There's a big difference between what they're doing right now and what your average hooker does on a Friday night.

Franklin: Yeah, the difference is these women are too stupid to make some real cash for themselves.

(Shelly approaches)

Rob: Well, speak of a hooker and she'll appear.

Shelly: (smiling) Fuck you, Rob! What's bringing you boys out of your junk haze tonight?

Rob: I'm getting this one to go out so he can get laid and forget about Cleo.

Shelly: And why is that? Does little Miss Bitch have another 'issue'?

Franklin: She left me.

Shelly: Hah! Best thing for you. That girl was trouble with a capital STD.

Franklin: Fuck off.

Shelly: Honey, I know you cared for that girl. But just because you care about someone doesn't mean she's good for you.

Franklin: I've been hearing this shit from Rob all night. I don't need you rubbing my face in it too.

Shelly: Fine! See if I try to make you feel better anymore.

Rob: (Jokingly) Shelly, it's hard to make anyone feel better when you've got cum on your breath.

Shelly: (Gives him the finger and takes a shot of the whiskey she ordered)

(Franklin and Rob chuckle to one another)

Rob: How was the latest John?

Shelly: A little creepy but they all are.

Franklin: Did he do any weird shit?

Shelly: He tried to. The sick fuck wanted to shit in my mouth.

(Mutual expression of disgust from Franklin and Rob)

Shelly: He was getting really adamant about it so I tell him, 'You can cum in my mouth if you want but if you shit there you'll be the only customer I have all night.'

Franklin: How'd he take the bad news?

Rob: He probably pissed in her mouth.

Shelly: Jesus! A girl does something taboo one time and makes the mistake of telling you two assholes about it! And he didn't piss in my mouth for your information.

Rob: Just on your face, huh?

Franklin: We're just fucking with you, Shelly. Don't go bleeding all over us or anything.

Rob: Yeah, I don't have that much cash on me.

Shelly: You two! What am I to do with you little boys?

Rob: Ok, ok. We'll lay off.

(Rob and Franklin look at each other as though they're about to make a joke. They look at Shelly and she gives them a look that makes them know better.)

Shelly: Anyway. I want to get one more in and then I can get you guys some drinks since I'm the original hooker with a heart of gold.

Franklin: No thanks. I've had about as much of this place as I can stand.

Shelly: What's the matter? Not enough pale, skinny girls around who don't mind a limp dick?

Franklin: Shelly, please don't. Ok? I have to go piss. (Franklin leaves)

Shelly: What's the deal?

Rob: He couldn't get it up and that's what led to the fight where she dumped him.

Shelly: I always hated that little twat.

Rob: She also told him about some of the guys she was fucking behind his back.

Shelly: That little whore better not let me find her on the street. I'll rip her goddamn heart out and stick it up that worn out ass of hers.

Rob: That's what I love about you, Shelly. You've got such a way with words.

Shelly: Well thank you, Rob. I'll talk to you about this shit later. I think I found my last 'date' for the evening.

Rob: More like victim.

Shelly: (she pinches Rob's cheeks) And that's what I love about you, Rob. You're such a smart assed little bitch.

Rob: Go get 'im, tiger.

Shelly: Rob! I almost forgot. My cousin is coming into town to stay with me for a while.

Rob: Really? What's he like?

Shelly: Small town wanna be a movie star type. But make him feel welcome, ok? He's a good kid.

Rob: And we're not?

Shelly: Don't ask questions that you don't want the answers to, hon. See you later.

(Franklin returns just as Shelly leaves)

Franklin: Are you about ready to get the fuck out of this shit hole.

Rob: Yeah yeah, sure sure. By the way Franko, you've got some vomit on your shirt.

Franklin: Who cares? Let's get the fuck out of here.

(Rob and Franklin leave. Shelly approaches a man at a table alone and sits down.)

Shelly: How are you, sweetie.

Rich: I'm ok. Yourself?

Shelly: I'm just fine, now.

Rich: So what's your...

Shelly: I'm a cancer.

Rich: That's not what I was going to ask. What's your name?

Shelly: Selene. Don't you get into astrology?

Rich: Astrology's ok I just dislike pickup lines.

Shelly: What's wrong with pickup lines?

Rich: I guess I never really like the kind of women who fall for them.

Shelly: (Sarcastically) You know I fall for them all the time. (cutesy) Does that mean you really don't like me?

Rich: Oh... oh jeez I'm sorry. I didn't mean to...

Shelly: I'm kidding, hon. I don't really go for girls who go for pickup lines either.

Rich: (Disappointed) Oh, you're gay?

Shelly: Don't sound so let down. I go for both, if the price is right.

Rich: And what price might that be?

Shelly: Well, for the first hour...(interrupted by waitress)

Waitress: You guys good?

Rich: I'm fine, but the lady could use a drink.

Shelly: Why do I need a drink?

Rich: Because I want to keep talking to you. But if you don't want a...

Shelly: Oh lighten up! Of course I'd like a drink. You're such a sweetie for buying it too. But getting back to prices...

Rich: Don't worry it's on me.

Shelly: It looks like I'm your company for a while, then. So, what is it you want to do?

Rich: I suppose I'd like to talk to you a bit. It's no fun at a bar by yourself. And you're really the first person I've met in one of these places that I can actually talk to. Most of the women here only want to meet a guy who'll fill up their bank account.

Shelly: That's kind of why I'm here, too.

Rich: You're not a gold digger or something are you?

Shelly: Not exactly.

Rich: Then you're ok by me. So tell me, Selene, what is it that you like to do?

Shelly: Oh, I don't know. Hang out with friends, the occasional drug, read, walks in parks, and/or etc. You know normal stuff.

Rich: Do you like being a normal person?

Shelly: I don't really consider myself normal. I just like normal things sometimes. The normal stuff keeps me grounded and reminds me there are other things out there than what I have now.

Rich: I never thought of it like that before. It really says a lot, though.

Shelly: About you or me?

Rich: About the both of us. Oh shit! I never even told you my name! I'm Rich.

Shelly: Hey! You're my kind of guy!

(Both laugh)

Shelly: Listen, is this all we're doing or what?

Rich: I'm sorry. I'm boring you, aren't I?

Shelly: It's not that. It's just most guys....

Rich: Most guys are only interested in one thing when it comes to women. My father was like that and I hated him for it. But growing up around him taught me how not to treat a lady. And you are a lady.

Shelly: (blushing) Jesus, I'm flustered. I don't think I've ever been called a lady before. At least not followed by 'of the night'. That's so sweet of you.

Rich: Don't think of it as sweet. I'm just pointing out the obvious.

Shelly: Well thank you for being observant.

Rich: You're very welcome. (looking at his watch) Listen, I've got to go: working early. But I'd really like to see you again. Can I call you sometime?

Shelly: Wait... what? (Dumbfounded)

Rich: Call you. On the phone. It would be a great if I could take you out and show you a good time.

Shelly: It's usually me who shows people a good time.

Rich: Then I guess it's about time you were paid back.

Shelly: I don't know if that's such a hot idea. I don't think I'm you type.

Rich: Maybe not, but won't it be fun finding out?

Shelly: Well...

Rich: I'll tell you what. (Writes something on a bar nap) Here's my number. If you want to get together just give me a call. I really hope I can see you again sometime. Goodnight, Selene.

Shelly: Goodnight, Rich. (Looking at the paper in bewilderment)

4

(Solitary monologue from Franklin)

Franklin: All I can see through my junk haze is sorrow. Addiction is the despair that will never leave me. I know that now. Cleo has left me but this need never will. I've been on this shit for so long. I only started to kill the pain of life. Drugs don't make people miserable. Misery makes people do drugs. On it, everything used to feel so beautiful and the world was filled with love. Now I need this shit just to get by. The only beauty that was left in my life was Cleo. I know that now. Whatever devastating pain caused it I can't even remember. These are the vicious lessons I have learned. These are lessons I wish I'd never had to learn. These are lessons I wish I'd never discovered. So is the way with addiction.

Why do people have to contract an STD to learn not to have unprotected sex? Why do people not realize they want to live just after they step off the ledge? Why must people be raped and butchered to learn where the bad part of town is? I guess we're not children anymore.

I love her. I know that I love her. Cleo was the only person who ever loved me with a love that I could actually feel. But it was all a lie. All of it. Any other person I've ever been involved with the feelings are always one-sided. With her it was perfect. All a lie. The way she would embrace me just after a hit. I could've died in those arms. She would just hold me and run her fingers through my hair. I'd always get the chills when she told me she loved me. I could feel the emotion in her voice shake me to the core. All a lie. Shit, I sound so goddamned corny. But I can't describe my feelings any other way. She's gone and it was all a lie.

Why didn't I beg her to stay? Was there one thing I could've said that would've made her not go away? What if all I had to have done was ask her not to go? If I did would she really have stayed? Would she have grown to love me? Maybe. But it's too late for that shit now.

(Lights go down and brightens to Franklin sleeping on a couch. There's a knock on the door and Franklin awakes to answer it. Its Rob.)

Rob: Hey, hey, hey.

Franklin: What's up, Rob.

Rob: Nothin' but the price of skag.

Franklin: Yeah yeah.

Rob: Man, did you hear what happen to Ernie Walker?

Franklin: No, what?

Rob: The Saughton boys found him walking back to his place with a pocket full of H.

Franklin: Bet they loved finding that shit.

Rob: A little too fervently it would seem. Ernie was found beaten to death in a dumpster with his cock in his mouth.

Franklin: They cut off his dick and stuck it in his mouth?

Rob: No, man. They just kind of folded him up till his balls were sleeping on his lips.

Franklin: Fucking hell, Rob! What's this world coming to?

Rob: For us it's coming to a hit right in the old circuitry.

Franklin: That'll sure ease Ernie's passing. For us anyway.

(Another knock at the door)

Franklin: Fucking shit! Why am I mister popular all of a sudden?

Rob: It's that sweet virgin ass of yours. Never go away and do time.

Franklin: Wasn't planning on it anytime soon.

(Shelly and Gary are at the door)

Shelly: Hey guys! I want you to meet my cousin Gary. Gary, this is Ass and this is Hole.

Franklin: (Sarcastically) Ha ha. I'm Franklin.

Rob: Rob. How you do?

Gary: Hello.

Shelly: He's new in town and I'm putting him up for a bit till he finds work and a place to stay.

Rob: This stuff doesn't bother you does it? (Referring to the gear on the coffee table)

Gary: No. Its cool.

Franklin: You want a hit? We've got enough to go around.

Gary: Oh no. Thanks, but I never touch the stuff.

Shelly: That's cool, more for us.

Gary: I didn't know you shot up.

Shelly: Sure. What else am I going to spend my cash on?

Rob: So Gary, what brings you to the fair city of Clefton?

Gary: I'm an actor.

Franklin: Fresh meat!

(All but Gary laugh)

Gary: What's so funny.

Franklin: You're just one of a few thousand that have stepped off the bus today to become a movie star.

Shelly: You'll be fine. Just watch the casting couch.

Gary: Oh please. That doesn't happen nearly as much as people think.

Rob: Yeah. Sure it doesn't.

Gary: And plus I'm a guy. That stuff only happens to women.

(All but Gary laugh)

Shelly: He's so naive! Isn't it adorable?

Gary: What do you mean?

Franklin: C'mon. Everybody knows the Cleft is full of fags.

Shelly: (angrily slaps Franklin on the arm) Shut up, Franklin. You know I hate it when you say shit like that.

Franklin: Sor—ry.

Gary: Well hopefully I'm talented enough without having to put out for roles.

Rob: Talents got nothing' to do with it.

Franklin: It's how tight your arse is.

(Franklin and Rob horselaugh)

Shelly: Don't talk like that to my baby cousin! If anyone's putting out to get him work it'll be me.

Rob: They don't like your kind in those circles.

Shelly: And what kind is that, Rob?

Franklin: The dickless kind.

Gary: I guess I'll just have to prove you guys wrong, then.

Franklin: When you come in here one day telling us you landed a great part but insist on not sitting down we'll see who was right.

Shelly: Ok guys. Enough of this shit. You're going to make him nervous. Does somebody have a shot ready for me or what?

Rob: Sure do, baby doll. Sure do.

5

(Gary is in a waiting room for his first audition.)

Gary: (speaking to himself with faltering confidence) Man, it's crowded in here. I didn't think there'd be this many people. There's only one part to give away, though, and I'm afraid it is mine. How good could these guys be? I doubt any of them got the lead in Hamlet with just one audition. Sure, it was only a high school play, but that's got to mean something. Right? I could act circles around these hacks. Sorry guys and girls but you might as well skip this audition. It's in the bag. For me, that is. The lines are memorized and I'm in character. I can't lose. Nowhere to go but up. There's something in me these losers lack and that's determination. Well, determination and skill. Surely these guys have a little. Surely. But I've got the determination to ride a shitty bus all across the country just to be here. These are locals who go to every audition they hear about because they figure eventually they'll land one. That's not how it works, babe. Not by a long shot. Talentless hacks. At least, compared to me they are. Greater powers in the universe govern us. Knowing this and also knowing that anyone who puts forth an effort, a true effort, to succeed will succeed. All you have to do is want it more than anyone and anything. I can't lose.

Casting director: Gary Andrews. Next is Gary Andrews.

Gary: That's me.

Casting director: Step inside.

(Door closes. A minute or so later Gary reemerges and walks across the street where there are a few people standing and talking.)

1: Jeez. I bombed that one.

2: There's no way I'm getting it either.

3: Can you believe what that ugly fuck had the nerve to ask me?

2: (to Gary as he's walking past) Hey!

Gary: Me?

2: Yeah you. Weren't you auditioning?

Gary: Yes I was. You guys did too, right?

3: Yep. How'd yours go?

Gary: I hate to be the one to break it to you but I'm positive I got the part.

1: Oh? And why is that?

Gary: They said they'd be in touch.

1: They said they'd be in touch?

2: You didn't get it.

Gary: What makes you so sure of that?

1: 'We'll be in touch' or 'We'll call you'; shit like that is just what they tell you instead of 'We thought you sucked. Quit acting and keep waiting tables'. It's just what they tell you to get you to leave.

Gary: (haughtily) I think you're sadly mistaken. If you simply could've seen his face during the 'I am not your father. I am a warrior.' line then you would be as sure as I am of my acquisition of the part.

3: You might wanna lose that Shakespeare sounding shit.

1: You're not impressing anyone and it makes you sound like you just got off the bus.

Gary: And what bus might that be?

2: Holy shit! We've got a greenhorn on our hands!

1: Listen buddy, we're stepping in here for a drink. It's a great location for a bar seeing as there's 30 guys all walking out of the building across the street all wanting to get loaded.

2: Come with us. We'll tell you a few things you need to know.

Gary: What if they call while I'm here? I have to go home and...

3: Trust us, they ain't calling. Let's go in.

(All four go inside. They sit at a table and order drinks)

3: Ok kid, there's a lot you gotta learn about the biz.

2: And the town.

3: And the town. First off, you just got into town a few weeks ago, right?

Gary: Two days ago.

3: Good thing we got to you first! Ok. There's a thousand kids just like you that get off the bus who're from all over hell's creation cause they wanna be movie stars. You know why?

Gary: Why?

3: Cause people have been fillin' their head so fulla shit over the years sayin' they can be whatever they wanna be as long as they try the very best they can. Well I'm here to tell ya the truth; tryin' don't mean shit. You can try to fly all you want but your ass is never leavin' the ground.

1: Lots and lots of people try out for every single part that's offered in the Cleft and only one person gets each.

Gary: What's the Cleft?

1: You're dumber than you look, kid. You're even worse than I was when I first got off the bus.

Gary: You're from out of town too?

1: We all are. Actors aren't born in the Cleft they import them. Kind of like a cash crop.

2: The Cleft's what they call this town.

1: Shut up, asshole. I'm telling him. Everybody at some point in their lives watch a movie and want to become a movie star. Not an actor, a movie star. Kind of like when a kid wants to be a cop or a fireman. It's the modern shitty pipe dream. Then, for example, you get a kid whose dad beats him, he's poor, or the neighbor rapes him and nobody believes it when he tattles on the sick fuck. The kid runs away after a lifetime of this unbelievable nightmare and he/she doesn't know where to go. So said child says 'Fuck it. I'm going to the Cleft to be a movie star'. He uses the only twenty bucks he's got to come over here just to find out he's got a better chance of winning the lottery. Girls have it a little worse. They usually end up hustling their ass on the street or in porno. Porno's a good profession for a guy but a shitty one for a despondent little girl.

2: Then the third and most important tidbit we'll bestow upon you...

1: (to 3) Great. The new fish has got him started now.

2: (looks at 1 contemptuously) There are two ways to get a part. Either you know somebody or you fuck somebody.

Gary: You what?

1: Either you know someone who knows someone who knows someone or you become a couch boy.

2: See, there's this adage that women can't get good parts in movies unless they go to the casting couch. That's true but not as true as you'd think. Back in the day you could be blackballed from the business if the public found out you were gay. There are more gay actors in the Cleft than there are straight ones. So they make up this shit about women having to fuck casting directors for parts.

3: They didn't make it up they just embellished the truth.

2: Whatever. Anyway, even though everything's p.c. now and even saying the word fag can get you bitch slapped in this town, don't get caught being a couch boy. It's very degrading.

Gary: Shouldn't you be telling me not to be a couch boy at all?

2: I didn't say that. I said don't get caught.

3: Just ask him how he got the last role he landed. I didn't think you knew anyone.

2: (slaps 3's arm and speaks with clenched teeth) I knew you couldn't keep your mouth shut!

Gary: Are you guys really telling me the truth about all this?

1: If you don't believe us go home and wait day and night on that C.D. to call you. We're at least right about that one.

3: And for fucksake get a cell phone. What if the big call comes and you're out drinking with jerk offs like us? Some C.D.s don't like answering machines.

Gary: What's a C.D.?

(1, 2, and 3 all laugh)

3: Good one kid! You might just make it yet.

(The 3 get up and leave)

Gary: No, really. What's a C.D.? Guys?

6

(Sitting at the patio sipping a drink)

Monica: My feelings of the now can be described as blackening loneliness. I have no friends or family; I don't even have anyone to talk to. As interesting as the non-English speaking help can be, I just don't think we have that much in common. My supposed husband is nothing but a paycheck. It's not even any fun to steal from him. He leaves a few grand laying around the house at all times to discourage thieves from greater loot. 'They'll take the easy cash and go' he once told me. I thought about telling him that that sort of thing usually just wets their appetite but he's an 'I'm always right' kind of person. Money and drugs and sleeping with hookers is his way of life I suppose. Guess he's got the right to be right in those areas. A hooker asked me once if I was a maid here. I told her, 'Yeah. My only job is to drain the pus from Harold's balls when his herpes flare up.' She still showed up a few days later coked up and giggling that giggle that makes men think every woman in the world is dumb and easy. That was the only time I've ever spoken to one of them.

I've come to the conclusion that I myself am a hooker. I'm paid to sit and look pretty when my master wants to make his parents think he's anything but what he really is. It's been months since he even attempted to have sex with me. Hell, it's been months since we spoke. Not that I really miss his worldly concerns; his morning coffee being just the right temperature, when was his new tennis racket due to arrive, would he have the right clothes to go with this tennis racket, and so on. And I especially don't miss his feeble attempts at pleasuring me which fail because: a) he's not trying to please me, just himself b) he really does have a small dick c) well... let's just say he's had the kind of life where people try to please him and/or he just pays for it.

He buys things like me. I was purchased but I can't blame him for that. I was the one that put up the 'For Sale' sign. Now that I'm away from the life that I would've given anything to be rid of I really miss it. I miss my friends. They're the only ones who ever really loved me. I can't even remember what was so bad that I would've traded it for this. I miss my friends more than anything. I'm homesick. Not for home but for the people who lived there with me. The people you love is what makes somewhere home. It was hell but at least I had company. Why did I ever want to leave? Could I go back?

This loneliness. It wakes me in the morning and lulls me to sleep at night. It's the bitterest kind of isolation because I must live with others who care so little about my feelings they don't even notice my suffering. I can be on the verge of tears and as I look at this 'loving' husband of mine he just smiles and goes back to his papers and his whores. He doesn't even know. Worse than that, he probably knows and just doesn't care. When he would pound away at me in the night I used to try going through the motions. After a month or two I would just lay there in silence and he never said a word. It was at least a more honest arrangement. I've become a fuck doll with a pulse. Of course, he doesn't mind or care. I don't fuss, fight, bicker or bitch about anything. The materialism that defined our relationship at the outset has quickly worn off. Harold is wealthy enough to buy me anything I desire. But you can only enjoy someone else's money so much. Money at all for that matter. I guess I've just lived the kind of life that has shown me how unimportant wealth really is. Money is the center of your life until you have shitloads of it. Then you remember that its just paper. I would lay in bed until this stranger I call a husband blows his putrid seed in me and rolls over to sleep. He knows if I left him he'd just find someone else. When you don't care how others really feel money can by you love. He's gotten good enough at lying to himself that a little thing like feelings couldn't possibly stand in the way of anything. I'm just his pussy and a pretty wench to show the in-laws.: just a pretty face.

There used to be people in my life who cared about who I was. If I killed myself tonight the people in this house would treat it as though someone dropped an inexpensive vase; easily replaced if it had a use to begin with. They'd probably be more pissed about the mess itself than the fact that I'm not around anymore.

(Monica noticeably cringes as she realizes a few wives of her husband's friends are approaching. She lays down her diary and pen. Bev, Tammy, and Joan approach the table Monica sits at and joins her.)

Bev: Monica! (Kisses both her cheeks in snobbish fashion)

Tammy and Joan: Hello, Monica.

Monica: Hey guys.

Bev: So back to what I was saying. I go to the salon in Milan and the stylist nearly uses Paul Gordon's Styling Gel!

Tammy: You have to be joking! Paul Gordon's?

Bev: Yes! Can you believe the nerve? So I tell him, 'Only Gordon Paul's touches my hair and any stylist should know that! I want to speak to your supervisor.'

Joan: So what happened?

Bev: I got him fired, of course. Anyone that incompetent does not need to be touching other people's hair.

Monica: Did you tell him that you wanted Gordon Paul's?

Bev: Why certainly not! He should know the difference. This was the second time in three months I'd gone in to see him. I'm sure they have some sort of book or something to write these things down in. He was just too stupid to look.

Monica: What's the difference between Paul Gordon's and Gordon Paul's anyway?

Bev: There's surely plenty of difference. If they weren't completely different they wouldn't put them in different bottles.

Monica: So you have no idea yourself if they're different or not?

Joan: The difference is the bottle, silly.

(All three giggle mockingly)

Monica: I think I need a drink. Does anyone want something a little stronger than tea?

Tammy: Like what?

Monica: I don't know. I'm having a Crown and Coke. (Monica walks over to a table and pours herself another drink)

Joan: How many calories does it have, doll. I'm watching my weight.

Bev: Oh so am I.

Monica: Who knows? But when you ask me things like that it makes my hand heavy. I mean you both weigh about 90lbs. Put together.

Bev: I've always thought women that drink hard liquor are somewhat... low class.

Monica: Well, (takes a large gulp of her drink) I think women who count calories and bitch about brand names are fucking cunt rags.

Tammy: Monica! I think...

Monica: You think? When did this happen? Why don't you stuck up twats go back to the other side of the house and gang bag your asshole husbands?

(All three get up to leave)

All 3: (add lib) I never... Can you believe that... What did you expect from... etc.

Monica: (devilishly grinning) It's about time I got a rise out of somebody around here.

7

(Opens at a bar with Shelly, Rob, and Franklin)

Rob: Why am I here again?

Shelly: You are waiting with me for my date. It's been a while since I've done this sort of thing and a lady shouldn't have to wait on her own.

Franklin: And why am I here?

Shelly: Because your junky little ass needs to get out more. I'd say 'I can see your veins through your skin you're so pale' but I think you've blown all the good ones.

Franklin: You're actually going on a real date?

Shelly: Yep.

Franklin: With a normal guy?

Shelly: Yep. I'm pretty sure he's normal.

Rob: How can you be sure he's not a weirdo?

Shelly: He hasn't asked me to take off my shoes so he can stick the heel up his ass. So I'd say he's fairly normal.

(Franklin lays his head down on the table and passes out)

Rob: If he does ask for your shoe you'll let us know, right?

Shelly: You know I will. I know how you boys get off on hearing shit like that.

Rob: Hey! We don't get off on it. Just morbid curiosity, that's all.

Shelly: Sure. That's why you call me at night asking me shit like 'Did he cum in your face?' while breathing all heavy into the phone?

Rob: If I were doing that I'd be paying.

Shelly: (sees Franklin) Looks like boy wonder over there couldn't stand the excitement.

Rob: Between you and me I think he's getting really bad off.

Shelly: (Sarcastically) Really? I hadn't noticed that the little shit's started shooting up in his toes because he can't find a winner in his arms anymore. Maybe it's about time you said something to him.

Rob: What am I supposed to say?

Shelly: Something that'll get him to stopping thinking about Cleo. He's fucking obsessed with that stupid slut.

Rob: Right now he's buying more shit from me than anybody else I sell to.

Shelly: So quit selling it to him.

Rob: He's my friend.

Shelly: And you're a shitty friend for not cutting him off sooner.

Rob: If he doesn't get it from me he'll just get it from someone else. As much as he's going through he'll go into debt pretty quick.

Shelly: Ok, ok. Just cut him back a little bit. I'll come by his place after my date and we can all sit down and have a little talk with him. (A large smile grows across her face) There's Rich! Wake his ass up and go kill some time somewhere. Sober him up a little bit and make sure he's really tired for tonight; he'll be more suggestive.

Rob: Won't be hard. He never opens his eyes past a squint he's so fucked all the time. Are you sure you'll be free tonight?

Shelly: A lady never sleeps with someone on the first date. If I run into Gary on my way over then I'll bring him along too.

(Shelly leaves to meet Rich. Rob elbows Franklin to wake him)

Rob: Hey sunshine! Let's go, this isn't a bed and breakfast.

Franklin: (groggily) Where are we going?

Rob: I've got a stop I have to make and then we're going back to yours.

Franklin: Shit! I wanted to hit Shelly up for 20 bucks.

Rob: I think you'll be ok. C'mon let's go.

(Rob and Franklin leave. Lights go down and back up as they return to Franklin's apartment.)

Franklin: You just had to drag me to all those goddamn clubs, didn't you?

Rob: Hey! I gave you a fucking good hit for your wait didn't I?

Franklin: That's the last time I go anywhere with you and Shelly. You'll have me out all goddamn night.

Rob: You're the fucking night person, remember? And you're home now right?

Franklin: Thankfully.

(Franklin goes to fix another hit as there's a knock on the door.)

Franklin: Will you get that?

(Shelly and Gary enter the room just as Franklin is leaving for the bathroom)

Rob: Good, you made it. How was the date?

Shelly: It was incredible! (jokingly) I think I'm smitten.

Rob: How goes it, Gary? Any parts yet?

Gary: Still working on it.

Rob: Don't get too desperate. Nobody respects a couch boy.

Gary: (monotone) Ha ha.

Shelly: Where is junk boy, anyway?

Rob: In the can tapping away.

Shelly: Maybe being on a nod will help him take all the bullshit we're about to drop in his lap.

Rob: You know what's going on, Gary?

Gary: Slightly. Of course I don't know Franklin that well so I don't know how much help I'll be.

Shelly: I guess this'll be a great time to practice your improvisational skills.

(Franklin reenters the room)

Franklin: What's everyone talking about?

Shelly: (instantly aggressive in an attempt at 'tough love') I'm talking about you and Ms. Cunt! And all the shit you've been putting in your arms and everywhere else you can find too!

Franklin: Ms. Cunt. That's a real nice way to speak about your friends.

Shelly: Cleo is not my friend you fucking idiot! That's what we've been trying to tell you for months. Nobody fucking liked her. We were just being nice to her because she was your girlfriend. (turning to everyone else in the room) Am I wrong?

Rob: She's right, Franco. That girl was a bitch and you're better off without her.

Franklin: Why didn't you tell me this while I was seeing her?

Shelly: Because it wouldn't have done any good.

Rob: Franklin, you were so caught up in that girl we wouldn't be your friends right now if we told you what we thought. You would've disowned us.

Franklin: Disowned you? What, like you guys did with Monica?

Shelly: Don't you dare mention her name in my presence.

Gary: Who's Monica?

Rob: She's a friend of ours that got married recently and has yet to even speak to us since she met the guy.

Shelly: No, she's a goddamned bitch that doesn't know how to treat people who would be her friends. We're also too poor for gold diggers like her to be around.

Franklin: Cut that shit out! Monica isn't even here to defend herself. All of that's old business anyway. I'm more interested to know why this little intervention is taking place.

Rob: She didn't leave because she was a gold digger anyway.

Shelly: Oh? Why did she leave then oh wise one? Enlighten me.

(Franklin gives Rob an evil stare to make him silent.)

Franklin: Like he would fucking know. Don't change the subject. Let's hear what you thought of Cleo. I'm sure you've been keeping it bottled up for a while. C'mon, let's hear some more shit about this girl that I love so much I can't even sleep at night because she's not next to me.

Shelly: You are such a child. Can that corny 'love' shit and grow up. Don't you realize she never loved you? Never. I'm sorry but she didn't.

Franklin: What makes you so goddamn sure? If she was just with me for the junk then why did she stay after she cleaned up?

Shelly: How long was she with you after she cleaned up?

Franklin: Two...(pauses as he realizes what he's saying) weeks.

Shelly: And I'll tell you something else. I got her loaded one night and she told me all kinds of shit: the guys she was fucking behind your back, how she thought you were a fucking idiot, how she was using you for a place to stay and good drugs and a lot more that you don't even want to know about. Cleo was so fucking stupid she told one of your friends that she didn't give a shit about you.

Gary: Either she was too stupid or just didn't care.

Rob: And either way it's just as painful.

Franklin: You knew this for how long?

Shelly: A while.

Franklin: Why didn't you say anything?!

Shelly: I did! I told you the next day but you were so fucked up you didn't even remember. (Pauses to calm herself) I know it hurts, but she never cared. She was just a little rich bitch that was going through a phase. She gets pissed at mommy and daddy and decides to go live the junky life with a cute guy she just met. Cleo knew you had some puppy dog crush on her and she knew how to exploit it. She could use you as long as she needed or wanted to. Then when the phase was over, she could either make up with her family or go the way of Monica: find a rich guy, fuck, then say fuck off to all of us because we aren't bankrolling her. The only reason she chose you was because you aren't the kind of guy who sucks dick for drugs.

Franklin: I love the way you try to make me feel like complete shit when you're trying to cheer me up.

Rob: It isn't like that. There is no cheering you up. We're trying to get you to move on.

Gary: You can't dwell in heartbreak forever.

Rob: And you can't drown it with junk, either. If you drown your troubles with drugs when you're off of them the troubles have a way of resurfacing.

Franklin: What is it I'm supposed to do? Cleo was the only person I've ever loved. Now not only do I feel like I pushed her away, I feel like she never cared in the first place. I don't know which is worse.

Gary: At least you've still got friends who care enough to want to see you carry on.

Franklin: To a crippled guy I should be lucky I can walk but that shit doesn't cheer me up either.

Gary: Why did you care so much about Cleo anyway?

Franklin: What?

Gary: Why did you care for her in the first place? What was it about her that made her special?

Franklin: I always had someone with me. I was never alone. She'd always be up for getting high with me. Sex was unbelievable, just the way she felt. I guess it was the feeling that I always had someone to come home to.

Gary: It sounds to me that you are in love with the idea of her more than you actually loved the person. I mean, I could be wrong and I'm solely speaking from an outside perspective but you didn't say one thing that would've been a personal attribute. Not even a mention of something unique to her personality or who she was. You can find the things you saw in her with any other woman in the world. I doubt you even know what love really is. Cleo was just the first person who ever spent time with you.

Rob: Gary's got a good point there, Frankie.

Franklin: There were things that were specific about her. The way she smelled, for example.

Rob: Describe it.

Franklin: Well, it was... sort of like...

Shelly: Face it, Franklin, you're clutching at straws. (She stands up) Do me a favor; I'm going to the bathroom. When I get back, could we be talking about something else? If you don't have the sense to get over a well-to-do tart then we can at least stop shoving your ignorance down your throat. (Walks off stage to restroom)

Franklin: (waiting for her to leave) Rob, do you believe what Shelly was saying?

Rob: Does it matter if I do? Face it; you and Cleo are over. It doesn't matter what circumstances it ended over, its over. Why isn't important. She's found someone else, so should you.

Gary: You'll probably never even learn exactly why, anyway. That's how relationships work sometimes.

Franklin: (pathetically) Cleo is seeing someone else?

Rob: You didn't know?

Franklin: I haven't been getting out much lately.

(Shelly returns)

Shelly: All this Cleo shit is a killjoy to my whole evening with Rich. Are we talking about anything of interest now?

Franklin: Who is he?

Rob: He's...

Shelly: Oh god! Don't tell me you told him about that!

Rob: I couldn't help it! It just... (Shelly somewhat playfully slaps his leg) Owww!! It just slipped out!

Gary: Rob and I saw them together just around the corner from here a few nights ago.

Franklin: Who was he?

Shelly: Who cares!? He was just another of these faceless assholes that look like identical twins of 90% of this society's population. He's just another dick. A white picket fence everyday Joe. He looked kind of sappy too so she's probably mooching off him by now.

Gary: She definitely didn't go up in the food chain. I seriously doubt he's much better of a person than you.

Rob: I'm telling you this guy looked like a jerk off. You must've fucked her good taste in men out of her.

(Light laughter by all)

Franklin: You guys are really shitty liars. But thanks for the effort.

Rob: He's a joke! What's this shit about lying? We were the ones who saw them, asshole.

Franklin: What kind of car were they in?

Shelly: Why?

Franklin: Cause if he was some jerk off he wouldn't have a nice car.

Shelly: Trust me, honey, the nicer the car the bigger the asshole.

Rob: He must've been a pretty big asshole then.

Shelly: You aren't helping anymore Rob.

Franklin: At least she's doing well for herself.

Gary: I doubt it. From the way you guys speak of her she's never doing anything good for herself. She seems rather vain.

Shelly: Understatement of the century Gary.

Franklin: What vanity was she satisfying with me?

Shelly: It's different with you.

Franklin: Maybe she was making an honest attempt at a real relationship and I fucked it up. Now she's going to go for vanity rather than love for the rest of her life. Not only did I fuck myself over but I've also fucked her out of the chance at something real with someone.

Rob: Or maybe she was using you to make her family think she's bottomed out. No offense Franco but to her folks I'm sure we look like street trash. She wanted her outside appearance to others to be that of a drug whore. Maybe she did it to satisfy some self-destructive tendency or maybe she did it to piss off someone you've never even met. In any case she used you for her own ends. It doesn't matter what those ends were. I wish you could see that.

Franklin: Why? So I won't feel heartbroken over her? Would it make it better if I was just a fucking idiot that couldn't notice she never cared?

Shelly: Yes it would. You can always become smarter. You can never change someone who doesn't want to be changed.

Gary: Everyone has been through this exact thing. That's how we figure out what love really is.

8

(Opens with Gary alone on a stage. He begins an audition)

Gary: With my children dead and my land purged I sit upon what once was a holy temple enshrined to my gods. It is ruinous now. My victors have burned it asunder. Once sacrament was laid upon the alter of my patron god Allysus but alas, the fruit has been desecrated under hoof and boot. Here lay the rotting remains of the supplications from the weak and feeble, the widowed and the mothers of warriors fighting for their homes in lands so far away even the birds of carrion do not dare to soar in it's skies. Oh cruel hand of fate. Whence did thou sow the destruction to be reaped upon my doorstep? I, but a lowly priest could have no hand in this battle that defiled temple and priestess alike. There they rest; raped and butchered by the evil hands of those who march for Bentallus. Why must this patron god of mine hold thy hand? For if it were raised even in defense my soul should not soar to the heavens. Why must my hand be idle against the enemies of my home while I watch the temple of my birth and my life as it is razed to the ground? Why must I bear witness to the maidens I held in sisterhood lose their beloved chastity to mongrels and behemoths? Those who guard these lands with their precious lives are away and fighting other battles where my god Allysus has sent them. Through me the sacred commands of Allysus flowed and through me the destruction of this shrine be. Was it a misinterpretation that led to these ashes? Was it I who wronged in the oracular vision? Tell me cruel Allysus and I shall know. Strike me with your all encompassing bolts and render me to ashes as the Bentallus have rendered your sacred alter to the earth and winds. Send me...

C.D.: (from offstage forward) That will be sufficient. Please go to the waiting room and send in the next to be auditioned.

Gary: Um... thank you.

C.D.: Please send in the next actor.

(Gary sits in an audition room)

Gary: There are so many people here. How am I supposed to out act all these people? I don't want to do anything degrading for this part. I've been on so many auditions. I've had so many rejections. Not even rejections really, the C.D.s don't even call. So many people. I don't want to do anything degrading. This is the only hope I've had so far: a second audition I only got by going down on a guy so he would put in a good word for me. God, what am I doing this for? I ask myself that but I know why. I want this more than anything. Why is it such a great sacrifice to achieve one's dream? Why must I loose my self-respect in the process of accomplishment? I sucked a dick for a second audition. What if I still don't get a part after I've fucked someone for it? No! I can't do that. I'm drawing a line in the sand. Having that nasty prick in my mouth was too much but fucking a guy? No way! I'll never go that far.

How can I get this part on ability alone? Everyone here has talent. That's guaranteed. What have I got that separates me from them? Maybe this time will be different. I'm as prepared as I'll ever be for the audition. Eventually someone will see that and the degradation will end. Someone must see that. They must.

C.D.: Gary Andrews. Step inside.

(Gary walks into the C.D.'s office)

C.D.: I'm going to be blunt with you Gary. You can't act. You fuck up the lines, you fuck up the delivery, you fuck up the movements, you fuck up stage direction; you fuck up everything. Your face alone isn't enough to sell tickets to retarded nuns. I see that look of shock on your face. It looks like this is the first time you've heard this. Well let me tell you, kid, it won't be the last. Right now I bet your thinking you'll never see work in this town. That's what you're thinking. But that's where you're wrong. You've got the only thing you really need to get by in this town. You suck a good dick. Also you're new in town so I'm willing to bet you got a nice, tight little ass, too.

Gary: What... what do you mean?

C.D.: I mean you may not be able to act but you look like fresh meat.

Gary: What?

C.D.: Not too bright though. But that's ok, two outta three ain't bad.

Gary: I'm not gay.

C.D.: Nobody said you were. If you wanna make it in this town I gotta little advice. You don't have to be gay to suck a good dick or take one. Who cares if you can act or not? What it comes down to is how much meat you're willing to pack up that ass of yours.

Gary: I want this part, I really do! It's just that...

C.D.: I know, I know. You don't want to loose your self-respect. Well guess what? Every single person in that waiting room sold their soul and their ass a long time ago! If you don't wanna fuck there's a line forming around the block of guys who will. I'm giving you the chance these hacks haven't gotten. It's one great big circle jerk in the Cleft and if you aren't jerking off the guy next to you then you're outta the circle. Mull it over. Just don't take too goddamned long to figure it out. The only reason I'm giving you this much of a chance is because I know you got that tight little asshole and I'm fucking Magellan looking for new lands to explore. I want to be the first to welcome that little pucker of yours to the Cleft. Call me tomorrow by three with a decision. Maybe the part'll still be open, maybe not. Now go home and grease up that ass of yours. And you better learn how to suck a dick better than you did yesterday. I've had better head from thirteen-year-old boys looking for crack money. Now get the fuck outta my off...

Gary: I'll do it.

C.D.: Eh?

Gary: I don't need any time to decide. If you give me this role I'll do it.

C.D.: Hey! You're learning quick my boy. Looks like those other saps are outta luck. (Presses intercom button) Sheila? Cancel the rest of the interviews and auditions for today. Also, cancel everything that's scheduled. I'm going to be tied up for the rest of the day.

C.D.: Now its time to see what kind of an actor you really are. You get to make me believe you love everything I'm about to do to you.

Gary: (very defeated) As long as I get the part. Let's just do this.

9

(Franklin alone on his couch)

Franklin: I'm on such a nod. Alone in a candlelit room I fill my veins with my medication. My escape from triviality. Cleo's gone and I know she's not coming back. For her it's too hard to see me shooting up when she's clean. But I know that's not the only reason. She never really loved me. She was just in need of companionship while she was destroying herself. I could've been anyone. I was chosen out of a small circle of people for reasons I still don't quite understand. Maybe there was something that made me stand out among the other junkies she was running with. Probably something small and superficial like the color of my hair or the way I wore my jeans. Something insignificant and worthless. Now I know she never loved me. Perhaps I'd have always known but would've kept deluding myself because deep down I was just as lonely, if not lonelier, than she was. She took all my feelings of worthlessness away and replaced them with more joy than I've ever felt. But now she's gone and for the first time in a long time I feel truly and completely alone. I loved her in a way she'll never know. She never wanted to know. I knew she was selfish but I couldn't let myself realize that that selfishness was extended to me as well. I thought I was the exception.

I've got nobody now. Nobody but the weeping holes in my arms to keep me company. I'm completely alone. The only thing that made life worth living is gone. No reason to live. When those words cross my mind they seem so final; so concluding. I don't even know how I ever made it without her. But since she's come and gone I have a new emotional hole to fill. A hole I'll never fill because she's gone and she's not coming back. Cleo is never coming back. I can't take this shit anymore.

No longer do I have friends. I never fathomed that all the people in my life were acquaintances and not friends. Never until I felt the love I had for her. She'll never come back and I've got no reason to live. If only there was something. Now there's only my medication. It's the only thing that keeps me pacified. The only thing I've got left to make life bearable. No more will I have anyone that I can hold when all of life's obstacles seem too much. I was sane with her. Now madness is all my mind will allow me to feel.

There's no reason not to ruin my life anymore. I say 'life' though I should be saying 'what life?'. If I were to die tonight I don't even have anyone who would mourn my passing. I thought she'd be with me forever. How wrong I was. That's the way that shit works for me though. I depended on her so much I never realized she didn't depend on me at all. She never needed me the way I needed her. She'll never know what its like to have that need. Cleo was the only person I'll ever love and I thought she was the only person who loved me. I was such a fool.

Love made me blind to the obvious. She never gave a fuck. Cleo was just glad she had someone to get high with. She was glad to have someone to sleep next to at night. When I held her I felt like I could do anything. No matter how bad life got at least I had her. Now I don't have a goddamn soul. No one has ever given a shit about me and no one ever will. I was an asshole to think she did. I wanted to believe so badly that I'd finally found someone that could return my feelings.

Who would ever love a white trash fucking junky like me? Now the habits I started years ago, the habits I started to slowly kill myself, are all I have. Now I'm going to speed things up a bit. Time to send myself into a mind numbed euphoric state of slow death. If I ever held back before I'll never hold back again.

Nobody gives a shit about me. For whatever reason no one cares. I don't know what that reason is, but ignorance of a reason doesn't stop its existence. If it's a good enough reason to send everyone in my life into a state of hatred toward me I will embrace it and let it aid in my annihilation. Something that powerful must be bowed before and control must be relinquished to its hands.

My last hit hasn't quite worn off yet. Oh well. Why put off the next one any longer?

(Rob comes in from the bedroom)

Rob: Goddamn, man! Sorry I crashed on your bed but that shit was something else. Where the hell did you get that? Nothing I sell is that good.

Franklin: The Saughtons had some shit lying around before they cut it. I made a quick grab and took off.

Rob: You what?!

Franklin: I nabbed it from the Saughtons when they were in another room.

Rob: Are you out of your fucking mind?

Franklin: What?

Rob: You stole this shit from the Saughtons? In fact, what the fuck are you doing going to the Saughtons anyway?

Franklin: I knew they'd just stocked up and that they'd be cutting some shit so I went over to buy a 20. While they weren't looking I nabbed a big bag they hadn't gotten to yet and left.

Rob: You are a fucking idiot going to those motherfuckers and doing that shit! I'd shoot your ass for that. Didn't I tell you what happened to the last guy that fucked with them?

Franklin: You don't think I can handle myself around those gangster wanna-be shitheads? I can handle my fucking shit! Fuck it; you went to those dicks all the time for shit.

Rob: Went, you dumb bastard. I went to them. I stopped going over there when I heard they'd slit somebody's fucking throat last winter over 50 fucking dollars. Even when I did go to them to re-up I was never alone! There's no way in hell I'd be the only white kid in that place.

Franklin: I bet the last guy they fucked up was a cunt to start with. That's why they wasted him.

Rob: That's just the way those vicious bastards operate. Those goddamned Saughtons will fuck you up over a dime bag. On top of that they can't stand white people. The only reason they sell to crackers is to wait for them to fuck up. It gives them a reason to torture you. That's all they want is a reason and you've given them a pretty damn good one.

Franklin: Thanks for your concern, mom. I think I can take care of myself. I'm not just some fucking junky trash hustling my ass for smack. I know that shit and so do they. I'm a big boy now. I'll call you if I need to have my ass wiped.

Rob: Don't say I never warned you when you're at the bottom of Clefton River with your balls where your eyes used to be.

Franklin: (with a smile and a slight laugh) Don't worry. I wouldn't be saying a fucking thing if that happens.

Rob: No fucking shit you won't. How can you laugh this shit off like that? I'm surprised you aren't dead already.

Franklin: Piss off with that shit! And you know what? Fuck you! Get the fuck out of here and never come back. If I see your goddamn face here one more time so help me I'll break your neck. Understand?

Rob: Good riddance! The only thing you'll save me is an ass kicking when the Saughton boys find you. (Storms out and slams the door)

10

(Shelly and Rob stand on the street corner outside Franklin's apartment.)

Shelly: You still haven't heard from Franklin?

Rob: Nope. He's not calling for dope so I can only imagine that he's still going to the Saughtons.

Shelly: That's a damn good way to get yourself mangled.

Rob: I guess he's still pretty torn up about Cleo.

Shelly: Worthless bitch is probably already back at mommy and daddy's.

Rob: Must be nice.

Shelly: How did you ever meet Franklin, anyway? Tell me a story so I can stop thinking about that worthless rich bitch of his.

Rob: Well, it goes back a pretty good ways into my family history. I've got a somewhat fucked up family. Not so much mom as it was my father.

Shelly: So, let's here it.

Rob: For starters he was a fucking cop.

Shelly: That's rough.

Rob: It wouldn't have been bad except for the fact he was one of those brutal motherfuckers. He used to beat my mom all the time. Me too. He was this really big, fat guy who stank of stale booze and cheap makeup. My mother didn't wear makeup so you'll get an understanding of what was going on there.

All the guys on the force would give him shit about being a lard ass all the time and he was too fucking stupid to realize that the guys giving him shit were just as fat and dumb as he was. Apparently he was a fat kid and all the other little shits made fun about his weight all the time. After years of verbal abuse from his peers he developed ways to get rid of his frustrations. He used to have a punching bag and weights; all that tough-guy shit. But he could never stick with anything long term, which is also why he fucked around on mom all the time. He'd fuck hookers and junkies who'd fuck their way out of an arrest. Even gave my mom an STD or two.

Once the exercising lost its thrills he started using mom and me for a punching bag. He'd come home hopped up on whatever he'd taken off the local hoods and beat the fuck out of us. Mom would ask what he wanted for dinner and he'd start wailing on her. 'Are you trying to keep me fat?' That's the kind of shit he'd say while he was doing it. At one point he even start taking steroids making life ten times worse for us. After he got on the 'roids he got really thin and built. Everybody stopped mocking him about the weight but he couldn't get his dick hard anymore. So he really resented my mom because she had a hole he couldn't stick his worthless prick in. She was hospitalized at least once a month in those days.

Shelly: Can I ask a stupid question?

Rob: As long as you don't mind a stupid answer.

Shelly: How did you know about stuff like the STDs and him not being able to get it up?

Rob: He wouldn't let mom have any friends. He was insanely jealous and anytime she wanted to go talk with someone he thought she was going to go fuck some guy and she would get beaten for it. Plus, how do you explain constant bruises, black eyes, broken fingers, and missing teeth to any kind of a friend you could get? She was terribly ashamed. She was so ashamed she even stopped seeing her family. Mom was so lonely I was the only one for her to talk to. There were so many nights we laid in bed together and cried each other to sleep. Those were hard times but I was never so close to her as I was then.

Shelly: It's funny how that shit works isn't it? You guys wouldn't be half what you were to each other if it wasn't happening.

Rob: I know. But I would've rather we hated each other if she didn't have to go through all that.

Shelly: At least she had someone.

Rob: 'Had' is the word. One night he came home drunk and pissed as usual. But this time was just a little bit different. Mom had found out that day that both her parents had died in a car accident. She hadn't talked to them in years because of the humiliation of his beatings. On top of that her family had warned her that he was an asshole. They never approved of him. She couldn't face up to her mistake and they'd died without her telling them they were right all along. It was tearing her up inside. I truly believe she was at the point of suicide. In fact, she'd been at the point of suicide for years but wouldn't leave me alone with him just to end her own pain. She was so selfless and just... just so amazing. But that night she couldn't take it anymore. That night she'd told me how she wanted to die. That she was waiting for me to be at an age where I could fend for myself.

Shelly: How old were you?

Rob: Sixteen. She was waiting just a few more years and she was going to make her move. But after the wreck she just couldn't take it anymore. I think she would've ended it all that night but I pleaded with her not to. I told her we could leave together. Get the fuck out of the Cleft and never look back. Mom knew he'd never let us go. He once told her if she ever left that he would use his connections in the department to track us down and he'd kill me with his bare hands.

Shelly: No matter what she wanted to do, whatever escape she could make she wouldn't because of you.

Rob: Exactly. She was beaten, cheated on and constantly humiliated because of me.

Shelly: You know that's not true. He beat her and he did that other shit to her, not you.

Rob: She put up with it because of me.

Shelly: She must've really loved you.

Rob: Yeah. (Sniffles start) I really loved her, too. She'd reached her breaking point that night, though. That was the night when she told me all the reasons she had stayed and put up with it so long. I'd hated her in a way for never leaving or fighting back and I felt so wretched inside when I found out she was doing it all for me. I had to do something to make amends for that misplaced anger. So I told her he'd be home soon, just to be cool this one last night and we'd figure out something in the morning. The next day we'd find a way to leave that cocksucker behind forever. I told her I loved her and now that I knew exactly what was going on that between the two of us we'd figure out a way. She smiled a smile that I'll never forget. There was so much love in those bruised lips that I couldn't help but cry in her arms like a little kid.

I fell asleep while doing so and I was awoken by the sounds of slapping that signaled my father was home; home from work or one of his whores or whatever. She was hysterical. I could hear her yelling at him, calling him a limp-dicked pig and all the shit names she could think of. With each insult there was another crash or another punch. Then, as I was watching from my room she'd fallen to the ground and he straddled her and just started punching. I can still hear that smacking sound to this day. At night when I can't sleep is the worst. I'll never forget that terrible sound. Then he stood up, jerked down his pants, and raped her unconscious body. Apparently he'd been popping Viagra or something and he was yelling 'Here's my limp dick, bitch. Here it is!' After he'd finished with her he staggered off to bed and passed out. When I was sure he wasn't coming back out I went to my mother to comfort her. It was then that I found out he hadn't raped my mother. He'd raped her corpse. I squatted there next to her for what felt like an eternity. I put her clothes back on her and just sat there caressing her face. She was already getting cold to the touch. I put her arm around me just like the way she used to on those nights he'd beaten her bloody. It wasn't the same. That was what finally convinced me, she was gone.

About four in the morning I went to my room and came back with my baseball bat. I had packed all the things I thought I'd need and took all the money I could find in the house. Then, I wrote a letter to the police telling them what had happened. I went to my father's room where he was still passed out drunk and found the rope he kept in the closet for his whores. I tied the drunken bastard to the bed and broke his arms and his legs. I took a knife from the kitchen and carved the words 'fuck pig' into his forehead. I sliced him up pretty good and made it a point to put a nice big slice down the middle of that little cock of his that he so willingly defiled my mother with. (Sickly giggling) I sliced it so deep it looked like he had two separate dicks. On my way out I phoned the police to tell them where he could be found.

I left my house and from there I lived on the streets for a while. Finally, I met Franklin and he gave me a place to crash until I could land a place of my own. He even hooked me up with some drugs and we became friends pretty quickly. He introduced me to some people he knew and I started running dope. From there, there's not really that much to tell.

Shelly: Did they arrest that asshole or what?

Rob: Course not. I called the lady downstairs a few nights later to see what had happened. She thought it was just a usual night till they took the crippled asshole out on a stretcher.

A friend of his recognized the address and got there first. They covered everything up so he didn't see a day in the lock up. Maybe if I'd told the 911 operator more maybe he'd be getting butt fucked by some thug he put away. But I didn't. So he's still out there somewhere. I probably just made him worse than he already was.

Shelly: You know, even if you had it probably would've ended up the same way.

Rob: We'll never get to find out now will we?

Shelly: What about the neighbor? Didn't she say anything?

Rob: Would you have said anything after you found out that the cops had covered it up? I don't have any ill feelings about her. She was a sweet woman just trying to cover her own ass. I can't blame her for that. She had a family complete with a husband who had a good job and never laid a finger on her. Good people. I could never ask her to give that up for a shit like me.

Shelly: Don't beat yourself up like that.

Rob: Why not? I was dumb enough to think he'd be worse off if he were alive. I figured they'd lock him up. A cop in prison doesn't keep his balls that long. But there's no justice for the likes of me.

Shelly: There's no such thing as justice for anyone.

Rob: Maybe you're right.

Shelly: Aren't you afraid he'll find you?

Rob: Sure I am. But I'm a dope dealer. There's nothing in my name that he could track me to. I even rent my place with a fake I.D. Pretty much the only way he'd ever find me is if I got busted or I just ran into him on the street or something. All I know is he'd better pray I never find him. This time I won't let him off so easily.

Shelly: Killing him won't make it any easier for you.

Rob: What makes you think that?

Shelly: I killed my father and it still haunts me to this day.

Rob: What?

Shelly: You think I walk the streets because I got a nice family I could fall back on? You're not the only one who has shit for blood. My father was a prick too. But when you're a little girl with a father like that, you get beaten and molested.

Rob: Jesus, Shelly. I didn't know.

Shelly: Why do you think we get along so well? Because you're a pusher and I'm a hooker?

Rob: Do you... do you want to talk about it?

Shelly: Maybe later. I've got to meet Rich in a half hour. It's a pretty slow night so I think I'll wrap it up early.

Rob: You really like this guy, don't you?

Shelly: Rob, he makes me feel like all the shit I've been through in my entire life is completely insignificant. When we make love its like torrents of flames welling up inside me. He's passionate in a way I've never felt before. At the rate we're going I'm going to give up this shit for good in a few weeks.

Rob: Does he know you're a pro?

Shelly: Do you think a gentleman like that would still be seeing me if he did?

Rob: Guess not.

Shelly: Fuck; he still thinks my real name is Selene.

Rob: What happens when it comes up?

Shelly: It'll never come up. I told him I'm living off the last bit of a trust fund. He thinks in a few weeks that money is going to run out and I'll have nothing. I didn't even have to insinuate that I'd need him to support me. He told me to come live with him.

Rob: Do you love him?

Shelly: Yeah, I think I do. It's been so long since I've felt this way I thought those emotional capabilities had dried up inside me.

Rob: And he loves you?

Shelly: I think he does. I really think he does. (Pauses for a moment) I hope he does. I could spend the rest of my life with this guy. And there's something else. I haven't told anyone but you're like a brother to me and goddamn it I have to tell someone.

Rob: What is it?

Shelly: I'm pregnant.

Rob: Oh shit. I thought you were on the pill.

Shelly: I was. I stopped taking it after the first few times we'd slept together. There's something women have done for a long time to find a husband. When a woman finds someone who she loves and she knows she couldn't live without him, someone she wants to spend every minute of every day with; she gets pregnant intentionally to guarantee that a good guy like Rich won't get away.

Rob: Don't you feel kind of deceptive about getting pregnant on purpose and calling it an accident?

Shelly: I feel incredibly awful about it. But I think he loves me and this is the perfect way to guarantee that if he does we'll be together. Always. I don't want to loose him, Rob. I really don't know what I would do if I did.

Rob: I just hope you're doing the right thing. More than that, I just want you to make sure that this is what you want. I want you to be happy Shelly. I love you. I really do. There's no one else in my life that's what you are to me. Just be happy, ok?

Shelly: (wiping a tear from her face) Ok. Ok Rob I will. But if I'm going to be happy then you have to too. Promise?

Rob: Who said I'm not happy now?

Shelly: You know what I mean you prick.

Rob: When are you going to tell him?

Shelly: Just a little bit longer. That's all it'll take to get up the nerve. Just a little longer.

Rob: Uh, don't look now Shelly but I think you have a customer. Are you sure you want to be working in your condition?

Shelly: I'm not that far along Rob. This'll just have to be quick before I go to meet Rich. I'll call you tonight Rob.

Rob: Ok. Be careful.

11

(Franklin sits on his couch shooting up)

Franklin: My god the rush! When you've been hustling and scuffling to make the scene and get the score it's all worth it for that rush. It's true what they say: The only thing that'll steady a junky at the crest of his need is to cook up. Powder and water in the spoon, cooked to a light boil, cotton filter, suck, and shoot. That feeling of accomplishment when the needle finally finds the circuitry. Pull back on the plunger for the flash. The blood is almost erotic it's so beautiful. Then the shit's driven home and the tourney goes. My god the rush. It overpowers all those bleak feelings of hopelessness and reminds us that pure bliss is only a moment away. Happiness; they finally started bottling it. A needle full of skag and every shitty aspect of one's existence is driven away. Unfortunately only temporarily.

I don't need her. I don't need all the shit that comes with that bitch. All I need is a steady stock of skag. I should've sold that cunt on the street. I always thought about it when we were out and broke. I'd think, 'Anyone else in the world would sell her on the street for the cash. She'd be a damn good money maker.' Anyone else would've. But I loved her. I could never do that to someone I love. That's till I found out she never gave a fuck for me. Cleo just loved the drugs I could get my hands on. Heroin was the only one she ever loved and the H doesn't care if she's pimped out or not. Such a forgiving lover is this drug that we chose. Wish I had pimped her out. No, I don't wish that. I just wish she loved me. I wish she were still with me now. Cleo may not have loved me but she pretended pretty goddamned well. My feelings are enough that that would've been enough. If she was just here with me now.

(There's a knock at the door. Franklin goes to answer it)

Franklin: Monica?

Monica: Hello Franklin.

Franklin: How are you?

Monica: I'm... fine.

Franklin: That didn't sound very enthusiastic.

Monica: Because it wasn't. Can I come in?

Franklin: Sure.

(Both sit on Franklin's couch)

Franklin: So what's going on?

Monica: I'm married to an asshole.

Franklin: I knew that. I mean what's bothering you?

Monica: Everything. My life is shit. I don't love my husband, I hate his home and I hate his money.

Franklin: How long has this been going on?

Monica: Its always been going on.

Franklin: Then why did you leave?

Monica: I left... I had my reasons.

Franklin: Obviously they're none of my business.

Monica: It's not that. I just don't know how to tell you.

Franklin: You haven't talked to me, or any of us, for a pretty long while. I don't know what you think you could have to lose.

Monica: Nothing. I've got nothing left to lose anymore. My life is worthless.

Franklin: Don't talk like that, Monica. What's on your mind? C'mon, talk to me.

Monica: It's been so long since I've been on my own. I want to leave this guy but if I do I've got nowhere to go. All my family's dead and I'm fresh out of friends.

Franklin: You know that's not true. We're still friends. Aren't we?

Monica: No we're not. I've treated you like shit. When was the last time I even called you on the phone?

Franklin: That shit doesn't matter. I let you in didn't I? I think Shelly's the only one that's really pissed. Everyone else was just disappointed. We all miss you. Even Shelly does deep down. I know it.

Monica: I knew Shelly would be really pissed.

Franklin: She is. But you know what? She'll get over it quickly. Once she hears how miserable you are she'll be satisfied and her maternal instinct will kick in. Rob will just be glad that you are back and safe. We've been really worried. Figured that rich prick did some weird shit to you or something.

Monica: What about Cleo?

Franklin: Cleo and I broke up a bit ago.

Monica: Really? (Trying to hide her excitement)

Franklin: She split and I know she'll never be back.

Monica: How have you been handling it?

Franklin: Lots and lots of self-medication.

Monica: That's why you look so bad! Jesus, I thought you were just really sick or something!

Franklin: What do you mean?

Monica: Have you not been eating? You look like you haven't left this apartment in two years. Let me see your arms.

Franklin: Monica, c'mon.

(Monica grabs his wrists and looks at the track marks)

Monica: Holy shit! Are you doing this to yourself over Cleo?

Franklin: Don't you start too! I've already heard this trip from everyone else.

Monica: No fucking wonder! You know you were always too good for that bitch.

Franklin: That's what they keep telling me.

Monica: Because it's the truth.

Franklin: You came back after all this time just to lecture me about my drug use?

Monica: Drug abuse. You have gone way past the point of casual drug use.

Franklin: So fucking what? Is my situation any worse than yours?

Monica: Yes it is! I'm not slowly killing myself. I shouldn't even say slowly. How long has this been going on? When did she leave?

Franklin: A few weeks ago.

Monica: Why aren't you getting your life back together? You are a young, attractive guy. Go out and find someone else.

Franklin: Who? You?

Monica: Not me. Just somebody.

Franklin: Why don't you go find another rich guy if you don't like the one you've got?

Monica: That isn't fair.

Franklin: What's so unfair about it? That is exactly what you did before.

Monica: At least I'm not the one killing myself over a little stuck up bitch like Cleo. She didn't do a goddamn thing but cheat and take advantage of you.

Franklin: You knew too? Why didn't you tell me?

Monica: You started avoiding me as soon as you started fucking her. Then I met Harold and I left. I had to get away from all this.

Franklin: So why did you leave us behind? Give me one good reason.

Monica: I just needed to get away and go somewhere else. I felt like I was wasting my life doing what I was doing. I thought at first it was just this place; this part of town. As the months went by I realized that I was running away from my problems. My problems found me pretty quickly. I needed to change my life, not where I lived.

Franklin: What made you come here?

Monica: I realized I couldn't get through life alone. I realized that I loved you guys and I need your support to live the kind of life that will make me truly happy.

Franklin: You don't need us to be happy. You are so goddamn co-dependent. Don't you realize you don't need anyone but yourself.

Monica: Maybe I am co-dependent but I'll be the first to admit it. You use drugs to be dependent on. At least I'm not the one bedding heroin in some sick effort to fill an emotional gap.

Franklin: Drugs are the best thing for dependency. If I need drugs I walk down the street and buy them. They're always there for me when I need them most. They don't leave me when I tell them I love them and they don't marry a rich asshole and never speak to me again.

Monica: Replacing drugs for people isn't the way to go through life. It's hard to go through but if you clean up and look for someone else you'll find someone else. Your vision and thinking are so blinded by drugs you wouldn't know if someone really did love you. That someone could be right in front of you and you wouldn't even know it.

Franklin: (short pause) Maybe you're right.

Monica: I am right, Franklin. Will you do something for me?

Franklin: Depends on what it is.

Monica: I know you won't be able to quit completely. Could you just cut back? Quit making a pincushion out of yourself and just cut back.

Franklin: Tell you what: if you leave this guy I'll cut back. I'll even let you stay here till you get on your feet.

Monica: You would do that for me?

Franklin: You know I will.

Monica: (Stands up, bends down and kisses his cheek) I'll see you in a few days roomy.

Franklin: (rolls his eyes in a way that shows us a true aspect of his personality instead of his drug-induced condition) Oh jesus. What have I gotten myself into? You know you'll be the one who has to baby-sit me.

Monica: You know I will.

(Monica leaves. Franklin sits alone on the couch)

Franklin: People don't believe in love anymore. Cleo has given up on me. She has decided to go back to the privileged, rich girl life she left to be a junky with me. Love is just another word for lust these days. I would've sworn a few weeks ago that all the love I ever gave was returned in full. Shit was I wrong! She never cared about me. She just needed someone to get high with so she wouldn't get lonely. Anyone would have sufficed. I guess I should feel honored but I'll be goddamned if I do. Cleo used me. I never wanted anything from her but to return my feelings. I couldn't see her lies through my love for her. A love wrapped in a junk haze that was as thick as London fog. I was blissfully ignorant. She's unveiled the horror of reality to me.

There's no starting over for me. I haven't the strength. I've entered into the depths of despair that I'll never climb out of. I see nothing in my future because I haven't got one. I'm wasting away. My heart has bled into stone and my soul is leaving the vacant body. All that's left is a pain so tremendous that I can never acquire enough drugs to push it away anymore. I seek now only the dulling of my emotions and a numbing of my body. I'm not so much a person now as I am an apparition. I'm nothing now. A nobody to everyone. I don't think I can live like this much longer. The drugs aren't enough anymore. I grew dependent on Cleo. The dependency on drugs was already there, incubating.

Now that I've felt love and had that shutter pulled over my eyes I never want true vision again. It was all a lie. A fucking lie! How could someone be so cruel with another's emotions? Adults tell us about love when we're kids. That's a bigger lie than Santa Claus. I think childhood is over the day you realize love doesn't exist. The closest thing is finding someone you can stand to be around for long periods of time. Love is only the ability of tolerance. Cleo couldn't tolerate my drugs or me, so I guess she didn't love me. Why didn't I try harder to quit? Why couldn't I stop for her? How did she ever trick me into caring for her? She just wanted company. That's all I was to her. I hate that fact. I would rather be stupid and in love than to have this enlightenment. I wish things wouldn't have changed. I was happy once but that was a long time ago. I will never find that level of happiness again.

12

(Gary sits in an audition room)

Gary: Since my arrival in the Cleft my life has changed dramatically. I never thought I'd be doing the things I've done to find work. Is it true what the C.D.'s are telling me? That all great actors did their time on the couch? What if the dreams I've sacrificed so much for aren't even what I've wanted all along? What if all the celebrities are right in saying that fame isn't all its cracked up to be? They all say that after they've found success. How long does it take to forget all you've done to reach your dreams when you've finally gotten them? What if I never reach stardom? There's millions who want the same thing I do. Millions! What if I fail? What if I become some washed up actor with nothing to show for myself but a few bit roles in movies so obscure that film majors don't even know about them? Maybe I should start being realistic about this little dream of mine and take comfort in knowing there's a few parts for me in short-lived sitcoms. No! No, I can't think like that. It ruins my confidence. What confidence? I can't even get a bit role in a B movie without sucking dick for it. God, the things I've done. I've sucked and fucked and then some. The only ounce of success I've achieved has been the result of fucking or getting fucked. But if that's what it takes then I'll have to do it. The means must justify the ends. If they don't I don't know how I can live with myself. All I have to do is keep from getting caught. That's what they all say. Don't get busted on the couch. I have landed a few bit parts, started my way to the top. If I have to fuck every casting director in this goddamned city to get what I desire then I'll just have to fuck them all. I will even make them think I love their disgusting little dicks. I will give them something they'll never believe. I will be completely willing. That'll show them I'm unique. This is my dream. I'll get there anyway I can.

C.D.: Next!

(Gary walks into C.D.'s office)

C.D.: Well Gary, I'm afraid that though your performance was great and you are a very talented actor, you're just not right for the part we are casting for.

Gary: Not right for the part huh? (Flirtatiously) But I want it so bad!

C.D.: We do have a part more fitting to your abilities that we'll be casting for next week. This is the number we can reach you at?

Gary: Oh yes. But I want this one so badly I'll do anything for it.

C.D.: (starting to get uncomfortable) I'm sorry but we've already chosen an actor for that role.

Gary: (stands up and walks around C.D.'s desk) Maybe there's something I could do to change your mind. (Gary reaches down to kiss him)

(C.D. pushes away from Gary and stands up)

C.D.: What exactly do you think you're doing?

Gary: I'm going to show you how good I really am. (Gets on his knees and tries to undo C.D.'s pants)

C.D.: What is the meaning of this?

Gary: Do I really have to tell you? I mean to be in front of that camera within the next few weeks and I'm not afraid to do what it takes to get there. You scratch my back, I'll scratch yours.

C.D.: This is completely uncalled for!

Gary: C'mon! You don't have to play these silly little games.

C.D.: This is really out of line.

(Gary stands up, pulls down his pants, and sits on top of C.D.'s desk)

Gary: I know you want to fuck me. You don't have to ask at all. I know what you want. I know what you need.

C.D.: I don't know what you think you're doing, but if you don't get the hell out of my office I'll call security.

Gary: (playfully) It's so fun when you guys play hard to get. Really, though, you can stop playing now. (Gary touches the C.D.'s arm as he speaks) It's ok.

C.D.: That's it! (Goes for the intercom. As he does C.D. passes Gary and is forced to fend off his embrace)

(C.D. grabs Gary, drags him to the door, and tosses him with his pants around his ankles into the waiting room with all the other auditionees.)

C.D.: See if you ever get a goddamn job in this hellhole of a town again! I've got connections that you never dreamed of! And stay the fuck out of here or I'll have you arrested you goddamned boy toy!

Gary: What...what do you mean?

C.D.: I mean to disgrace you! I mean to ruin you for that bullshit you just pulled in there. Bye bye little birdie. You're fucked! (slams the door)

(All who are awaiting their turn to audition stare at Gary as he walks slowly away with his eyes stuck hard to the floor. Whispering and giggles can be heard from the onlookers as Gary leaves slouched in shame)

Gary: Goddamnit! Goddamnit! Why does this happen to me! I'm nothing now. Blackballed from the only outlet of happiness I'll ever have. How could I be so fucking stupid? How could I do that to the one casting director in town that isn't one step above a rapist? I am such an imbecile. I'll never find work now. I know how this town is; if you fuck up with one C.D. they network together and you never find work again. I won't even be able to score an audition now. I'm so fucking stupid!

Jackie: (Jackie emerges from the waiting room where he is fishing for desolate people to take advantage of) Hey kid, don't be so hard on yourself. You shouldn't let assholes like that push you around. What happened?

Gary: I just... (choking back sobs) I just wanted to be in this movie so bad. I thought if I fucked this guy I'd get it for sure, but he wouldn't do it.

Jackie: That prick is the one guy in the Cleft that has the disease known as a conscious.

Gary: I'll never work in this town again! What am I going to do?

Jackie: Who said you would never work here again? That bastard?

Gary: (sniffling) Yeah. Yeah he did. What am I going to do? I've got nothing else in my life but acting.

Jackie: Listen my man. I've got a little proposition for you.

Gary: A proposition? For me?

Jackie: Ever thought of doing art films?

Gary: What kind of art films?

Jackie: Come with me, kid. I'll show you.

Gary: I'm Gary. What's your name?

Jackie: Just call me Jackie.

13

(Shelly is led into a police station handcuffed)

Policeman1: Sit your pretty ass down right here, honey. Somebody will be by in a few to take care of you. (He sits her down in a chair at a desk with his hand leading her by the arm)

Shelly: Like getting those greasy hands on me anyway you can, don't you?

1: Don't flatter yourself.

Shelly: How many of you pigs are going to watch the strip search?

Policeman2: (walking past) Hold tight. We still have to sell the tickets.

Shelly: Very funny smart-ass.

Policeman3: (sitting at the desk opposite Shelly) Let me guess Shelly, hustling your ass on 5th again?

Shelly: I wasn't doing a goddamn thing! Those perverts you work with were just bored and felt like copping a feel. It's a pity you boys don't get laid more.

3: It's a pity you don't wise up and learn how to type.

Shelly: Why is that Officer Prick?

3: Because if you landed a job in a corporation somewhere you could fuck your way up the food chain in no time.

Shelly: Are you going to fill out your little papers and let me go or what? I've got better things to be doing than to sit here while a room full of assholes gawk at me. Sometimes I think you bust people like me just so you'll have someone else to think about while you're fucking your fat, ugly wives.

3: Afraid it isn't so simple this time. You have to talk to a lawyer while he fills out his little papers.

Shelly: What's the deal? Did the powers that be pass some new bullshit law I didn't hear about?

3: You nailed it. See, if a prossy gets arrested three times in a six-month period they have to go to court. After court you get that pretty face of yours put into a database that the public can view anytime they want. That way nosy old women and such that know what you're doing can rat you out easier.

Shelly: New law, huh? Maybe I should just call my lawyer and press charges against the state for passing unconstitutional laws.

3: Since when did you have a lawyer? I thought you whores blew all your money on blow.

Shelly: Actually all my cash goes to buying guns, which I then hand out to all the gang bangers I know who shoot cops for fun. And just so you know my lawyer also happens to be my boyfriend. Surely he'll have a special interest in fucking all you pigs over.

3: He'll want to fuck us? It must get old sticking it in your worn out snatch.

Shelly: (sarcastically) Still better than the stench you go home to. (Impatiently turns to speak to anyone of the other officers) Can't we move this along?

3: Sit tight. The lawyer will be here soon.

Shelly: Good thing I won't have to look at you anymore. I don't see a trash can to puke in and I don't think I can hold it back anymore.

3: (getting up) Wouldn't it just be a shame for you to lose all the cum you worked so hard to swallow.

1: (passing) Hey baby, you think he's ugly you should see the guy they just took to the morgue.

Shelly: Did you boys get trigger-happy again? What have I told you about shooting your guns instead of your dicks?

1: Wasn't us. Another victim of the infamous Saughton boys.

Shelly: The Saughtons?

3: Who'd they fuck up this time?

1: Some junky kid down the street from where we got this one. (Pointing at Shelly)

2: You guys talking about the Saughton's toy?

1: You were there weren't you?

2: Yeah I was. They did a number on him whoever it was. We caught them red handed. Literally. They'd beat him to a pulp. When we rolled up on them they were taking turns with his ass. We got four of them and I think the fourth was the only one who hadn't had a turn yet.

3: (to Shelly) Probably just fucked his mouth while one of his 'brothas' was taking his turn.

2: Guess he was waiting to reload.

1: And people think cops are bad.

Shelly: (obviously distressed) What did he look like?

2: (describes Franklin) That's what he used to look like at any rate. Can't really tell too well now.

3: Anybody been by to I.D. the body?

2: This isn't the kind of guy too many people miss. My guess is he'll be another Johnny Doe.

Shelly: I need to see him.

1: Who?

Shelly: The kid you brought in. I need to see him. I might know who it is.

3: She's got a few more minutes till her lawyer gets here. Take her down if she wants to go. Maybe she'll be scared straight or something.

2: I don't know if you want to see this one.

Shelly: Just take me down.

(Shelly and Policeman 2 leave. Rich enters from other side)

Rich: Hey guys. Where's that pro you just brought in?

3: In a bit a rush?

Rich: I have a date with Selene tonight.

3: What a coincidence! That's the working name of the girl you're about to see. Real name's Shelly.

Rich: Whatever. I just want to get this out of the way so I can see Selene.

3: You guys really hit it off, huh?

Rich: I've never met a girl like this in my life. Here, look at this. (Goes into his pocket and produces a ring case. He opens it and shows it to Policeman 3)

3: Is that what I think it is?

Rich: Sure is. Asking her tonight. I'm so nervous I can't stand it!

3: Sure you want to get married?

Rich: In a way I knew she was the one the first time I laid eyes on her. It sounds corny, I know, but she had such magnetism to her. (while looking at the ring) She really does fuel my fire.

3: That's great Rich. I'm sure she'll say yes so don't sweat it, ok?

Rich: Easier said than done. Can I have your chair? I want to get all the preliminary stuff out of the way before she gets here. Where is she anyway?

3: They brought in a few of the Saughton boys, caught them raping some junky shit they'd just beaten to death. The prossy thought she could identify him so she's in the morgue having a look.

Rich: Figures. All those low lifes know each other.

(Puts his head down and beings filling out paperwork. Shelly is brought back in and sat down across from Rich. Her mind is elsewhere and doesn't notice him at first.)

Rich: Ok. I take it you're familiar with the new law that states... (looks at her as she looks at him and they realize what's going on)

Shelly: Rich?

Rich: Selene?!

Shelly: Rich, I...I...

Rich: What the hell is this Selene?

Shelly: What are you doing here?

Rich: I'm your lawyer! What are you doing here?

Shelly: Rich, I've...been lying to you.

Rich: I figured that one out on my own... (pauses to look at his papers) Shelly. It's nice that this is the way we finally get introduced.

Shelly: (tears rolling down, no sobs) I'm sorry Rich.

Rich: So am I. Let's just get this over with. (Begins flipping viciously through papers)

Shelly: They killed Franklin. My friend, Franklin, they killed him. They beat him and then they took turns raping him.

Rich: Selene, Shelly, I'm sorry.

Shelly: They did things to him that no one should have to go through.

Rich: I really am sorry Shelly. But I have to do these papers and then we never have to see each other again. Let's just get this over with and get out of each other's lives.

Shelly: Sure. Let's get it over with and we can leave it at that.

Rich: I really did love you, you know.

Shelly: I know. I also know that we have to end it here. You don't have to say it. I already know. You're too good for a whore.

Rich: How could you lie to me like that?

Shelly: Because I'd lose you if I didn't.

Rich: You're right. I wish it could've gone differently.

Shelly: It's ok. I'm prone to bad shit happening to me when I become happy.

Rich: I shouldn't tell you this but I feel that I should. I think they're watching your, um, pimp.

Shelly: I don't have a pimp.

Rich: Whoever it is on the street with you, they're watching him. That's how they caught you. He's running dope and the cops are collecting evidence. Every time they pick up a junky they're saying your friend's where it's coming from.

Shelly: I'm sure the cops are helping jog their memory when they ask. Most cops I know don't ask questions too nicely either. But why are you telling me this?

Rich: It's the last thing I'll ever get to do for you. After this I'll have another lawyer take over your case. So let's just finish up, ok?

Shelly: Aren't you pissed off at me? Can't you just be angry?

Rich: I'm brokenhearted, not angry.

Shelly: It hurts so much more that you aren't angry.

Rich: Can we finish?

Shelly: Let's finish, then. I wouldn't mind getting out of here myself.

14

(Rob, Shelly and Gary enter Franklin's apartment wearing funeral attire and sit on his couch in an uncomfortable silence.)

Shelly: I can't believe he's gone.

Rob: Neither can I.

Gary: It was a nice service.

Shelly: Please. They had a priest there and he sang some fucking hymn. Franklin hated that shit. I wish we could've sent him off in a way he would've wanted.

Rob: (starting to cook up) How could we have done that? Who knows what kind of a funeral he would've wanted? Who knows what kind of funeral anyone wants?

Shelly: Probably didn't want one at all, the apathetic little cunt.

Gary: I thought that's what we were doing now. Sending him off the way he would've wanted.

Shelly: Set me up a shot Rob. I'm sure it would make Franklin happy to know we're all sitting here getting high without him.

Rob: You want one Gary?

Gary: I don't think so.

Shelly: Take one Gary.

Gary: I don't...

Shelly: Gary. Take a fucking shot.

Gary: Whatever makes you happy.

Shelly: It doesn't make me happy. Nothing could make me happy right now. I loved that junky shit and now he's gone. He's gone. Rich is gone. Why is everyone going away?

Rob: That's the way it works. The more you love someone the quicker they go.

Gary: You sounded too much like Franklin when you said that.

Shelly: And you'll be going the same way Franklin did if you aren't careful. Maybe not in a ditch but it isn't any better in prison.

Rob: I don't plan on getting pinched anytime soon Shelly.

Shelly: Franklin didn't plan on getting used like a fuck doll either but that shit happens. The cops are watching you.

Rob: Sure they are.

Shelly: Don't play that shit off Rob this is serious. Rich told me so while I was at the station. He thought you were my pimp.

Rob: Are you serious?

Shelly: Yes Rob I'm serious. Quit peddling that shit and lay low for a while.

Rob: I'll be ok. I just have to be more careful that's all.

Gary: Why not just stop? Do you want to end up somebody's girlfriend doing five to ten just because you think you won't get caught?

Rob: Gary, don't stick your... (interrupted by a knock at the door) who the fuck could that be?

(Shelly answers the door to find Monica standing in the doorway with suitcases in both hands.)

Monica: Shelly?

Shelly: You... you (slams the door in Monica's face)

Gary: Who is it?

(Knocking begins again.)

Shelly: It's fucking Monica.

(Rob gets up and answers the door.)

Monica: I have received warmer welcomes than that.

Shelly: Sorry we don't have a butler to carry you in.

Rob: Shelly don't start this shit. Not today. Come in Monica.

(Monica enters carrying her suitcases.)

Monica: Hello everyone. (pointing and speaking to Gary) I don't think I know this one.

Rob: That's Gary; Shelly's cousin.

Monica: Nice to meet you.

Gary: Likewise.

Monica: I knew you guys wouldn't be happy to see me but you act like you just got back from a funeral.

Shelly: Holy shit! I think I'll start fucking a rich guy and develop psychic powers too. Maybe open my third eye a little while the prick is plowing away at me.

Monica: What's that supposed to... (looks around) where's Franklin?

Shelly: (Shelly speaks as though she almost enjoys giving the news because she knows it will hurt Monica.) In the ground.

Rob: Franklin was murdered a few days ago. We just got back from his funeral.

Monica: He what?!

Shelly: He's dead you dizzy bitch! He's. Fucking. Dead.

Monica: Oh shit. Oh shit oh shit oh shit. You can't be serious.

Gary: Afraid so.

Monica: His funeral was today?

Rob: Yep.

Monica: How... how was it?

Shelly: It was a funeral.

Gary: We were the only ones there.

Monica: Oh jesus.

Shelly: What the hell are you doing here anyway?

Monica: I talked to Franklin a few days ago. I've left Harold and he was going to let me stay here for a while.

Shelly: Looks like you've got the place to yourself now gold digger. Now that your paycheck has tossed you to the curb for a bustier, younger version of yourself you're just going to have to find somebody else to fuck for food.

Rob: Jesus Shelly don't you...

Monica: Not now Shelly. Could you hate me tomorrow? I know this is just how you deal with this kind of thing but... just save it for later.

Shelly: There is no later between you and me. After this I don't want to see your prissy little ass ever again. For all I care they can bury you next.

Monica: Would you shut the fuck up! You aren't the only one who loved him you goddamn whore!

Shelly: Is that why you left? Because you loved him? Best reason to stop talking to someone I've ever heard.

Gary: I can't do this right now. I just can't take this. Shelly, give me a call when you're not being a complete bitch.

(Gary storms out the front door.)

Shelly: (to an offstage Gary) I'm right behind you. It's the stench in here making me so bitchy.

(Shelly leaves the apartment giving Monica an icy look as she walks past her.)

Rob: It is good to see you.

Monica: I'm glad someone thinks so.

Rob: I really have missed you. Shelly too. She's just going through a lot right now.

Monica: I know. She can be a child with her emotions sometimes.

Rob: She really can.

Monica: How did it happen?

Rob: The Saughtons.

Monica: What'd they do?

Rob: (looks at Monica for a moment) You don't want to know. Trust me.

Monica: I think I need to be alone right now. Since I left Harold I don't have anywhere else to go. I guess I'll stay here for the time being. Would it be ok if I called you sometime?

Rob: Of course it would. (Rob gets up to leave) The rent for this place is paid to the end of the month. If you need somewhere to go after that just come over to mine.

Monica: Thanks. It really is great to see you again.

(They hug one another.)

Rob: Don't disappear on us again, ok?

Monica: I won't. Promise.

(Rob exits. Monica walks to the couch and sits down. The scene becomes a flashback. Franklin enters from offstage. Obviously Franklin is a much happier person at this point in his life and has not started his severe drug use.)

Franklin: (jumps as if frightened) Shit! You scared the hell out of me. How did you get in?

Monica: The door was open so I let myself in. That's really dangerous you know.

Franklin: Who would want to do anything to me? So what's up? You're sitting there all glum.

Monica: My date stood me up tonight.

Franklin: Well that's that asshole's problem.

Monica: Yeah, whatever.

Franklin: Want to talk about it?

Monica: No I'm fine. I just came by looking for Cleo. She's usually the best when it comes to man bashing.

Franklin: Sorry but she's out of town. Guess you're stuck with me.

Monica: Franklin I just...

Franklin: C'mon! Spill it! I hate guys too. (with a broad smile) The only dick I like is my own. You couldn't have liked this guy that much.

Monica: It's not really that. I mean I don't even really know the guy. First date. I'm just tired of being alone. I go to work all day just to come home to an empty house. I'm tired of cooking dinner for one and renting movies to pacify my time.

Franklin: So go get laid. You'll feel better.

Monica: All right. (she begins to get up and leave) Thanks for your words of wisdom. I'll come back when Cleo's here. At least her shitty attempts at cheering me up are actually funny.

Franklin: (playfully) Monica! No, wait. I was just kidding. I'm sorry. Please don't go.

Monica: Why? So you can belittle my feelings some more?

Franklin: I'm just trying to cheer you up that's all. Honestly, I could use a little company myself. Cleo and I aren't going through such a great time and with her being gone it makes it a bit worse. She's really serious this time about quitting and I'm not exactly handling it so well. I'd rather have you here with me than to be sitting here on my own getting high. Please don't go?

Monica: Maybe you guys should quit together. You worry me to death doing that shit.

Franklin: I hear this enough from Cleo. Could we talk about something else?

Monica: Sorry. I get worried sometimes.

Franklin: Apparently that's all I'm good for.

Monica: What do you mean?

Franklin: You come over here looking for my girlfriend instead of me. The only thing I ever hear from you anymore is 'Quit that shit. Quit that shit. Quit that shit.'. Y'know, we knew each other a long time before I started getting high or before I met Cleo. We were pretty close once. We used to have really nice, deep conversations about all the woes and trivialities of the world. Now you come over just to see Cleo or to look down your pretty nose at the shit I do.

Monica: We used to do a lot of things together. Ever since you started seeing Cleo the changes in your personality have been quite noticeable.

Franklin: If I've changed so goddamn much then why do you keep coming around?

(An uncomfortable silence permeates the air.)

Monica: Fine. I'll change the subject.

Franklin: (smiling) Thanks.

Monica: I'm so sick of not having anyone. Other than the few of you I haven't got anybody. Why is it so hard for me to find someone to love?

Franklin: Probably because you're looking too hard. When you look too hard for anything it could be right under your nose and you wouldn't even smell it.

Monica: (Monica looks longingly at Franklin) Probably a lot closer than I think, huh?

Franklin: (unwittingly) Probably.

Monica: Franklin, why are you still with Cleo?

Franklin: Why? Gee, I don't know. There's something about her that I just can't get away from. When she's not here I think about her constantly. When she is here nothing else in the world matters.

Monica: Except drugs.

Franklin: Do you want company or do you just want to bust my balls because you can't find a boyfriend and you've got nothing better to be doing at the moment?

Monica: It's not the fact I can't find someone to love. It's the fact that the guy I love doesn't love me back.

Franklin: And who is this man of mystery you speak so enigmatically of?

Monica: Nobody you know. Y'know, I'm sick of feeling shitty tonight.

Franklin: About time.

Monica: We were pretty close once. What did we used to do?

Franklin: I don't know. Hang out, watch TV, go to a movie, occasionally fuck, get drunk. Lots of stuff.

Monica: When was the last time we had sex?

Franklin: I guess it was a month or two before Cleo. It was nice though. I was always glad the casual sex never got in the way of our friendship.

Monica: I'd never let making love tear us apart or separate us.

Franklin: (jovially) I wouldn't call what we did 'making love'.

Monica: Oh, I forgot. We were just 'fucking'.

Franklin: Don't sound so disappointed. I don't remember any complaints from you.

Monica: Why didn't we ever go out? Like, really go out?

Franklin: We would have gotten on each other's nerves so badly that we would've stopped talking to each other. It would have ended badly anyway. Plus, you never had feelings for me. You'd only come over for sex when you wanted to make a boyfriend jealous.

Monica: (with mock remembrance) No feelings. That was it.

Franklin: I really cherish our friendship. If anything had come between that...

Monica: You still would've found Cleo and I'd probably still be alone. Can I ask you something?

Franklin: Shoot.

Monica: Has it ever occurred to you that the reason you love Cleo so much is because she doesn't give two shits about you?

Franklin: No it hadn't. What would make you say that?

Monica: Oh please. She treats you horribly. All she sees in you is someone to get high with. She doesn't care about anyone but herself.

Franklin: If I didn't know any better I'd say you were jealous.

Monica: Don't flatter yourself.

Franklin: I didn't mean like that. I meant you were jealous because I've got somebody and you don't. Do I detect a Freudian slip?

Monica: I think the dope has ruined your keen sense of intuition. I never cared about you. Remember? You said so yourself not five minutes ago and if you think it's true then it has to be true.

Franklin: You make it sound completely awful to care about me.

Monica: You know what I mean.

Franklin: (smiling) Yeah, sure.

Monica: (smiling back) Don't get that look on your face. God, you're such an asshole!

Franklin: I know.

Monica: So how much longer is Cleo out of town?

Franklin: A few more days.

Monica: Can I ask you another question?

Franklin: No.

Monica: Franklin!

Franklin: Kidding! I'm kidding. Go ahead.

Monica: You want to cheer me up, right?

Franklin: Oh, this is a two-part question. How intriguing.

Monica: (playfully slaps Franklin's arm) Shut up you retard.

Franklin: Ok ok. What can I do to make you happy?

Monica: I think... (nervous silence) I think that maybe if you could, I don't know, maybe if you could just pretend you were my boyfriend.

Franklin: What?

Monica: Just for tonight. Cleo isn't here and it's not like you could get it up to cheat on her with all that junk in your system. It'd be nice to have a boyfriend, that's all. Even if it is just for one night.

Franklin: You would be surprised. I'm not that doped up. But I don't know how hot of an idea this boyfriend business is anyway.

Monica: Why?

Franklin: It wouldn't do you any good. And just five minutes ago you were agreeing with me about your feelings toward me. Or the lack thereof I should say.

Monica: (obviously lying) I don't have feelings for you. I just... I just want to pretend I've got you... err, I mean, a boyfriend for one night. Please?

Franklin: I don't... (thinking) what would you want to do?

Monica: I want to pretend. Nothing more.

Franklin: Would it make you feel better?

Monica: (she crosses the couch and crawls into his arms) I really hope so. Just hold me and be held. Let it come naturally.

Franklin: Monica... (Monica places her hand in his and he reluctantly embraces her) this better make you feel better.

Monica: It's already working. Shut up and enjoy this little moment of happiness. Even if it only is for tonight at least we have this place in time just for us. No one can pollute this moment between you and I.

Franklin: You'll find someone soon. You wait and see.

Monica: Has anyone ever told you you're a little on the naïve side?

Franklin: Once or twice I'm sure. Not so much recently.

Monica: Let's just forget about everything else tonight. It's just you and me, nothing else should concern us.

(Franklin kisses Monica on the lips perhaps a little longer than he should. She returns his kiss and once it's over she gives him a slightly surprised look.)

Franklin: Staying in character.

Monica: Before all the bullshit that's come into our lives lately were we always just friends?

Franklin: Kind of. I never told you this but all the times we had sex it wasn't just fucking to me. I totally had a crush on you back then.

Monica: Why didn't you ever say anything?

Franklin: I knew you never cared about me in that way.

Monica: You thought that?

Franklin: I did. But none of that matters now. We've changed quite a bit you and I.

Monica: Some things never change.

Franklin: Like what?

Monica: Like the fact that people will always have regret in their lives. Regret for all the shit we should not have or should have said and done. (she kisses him passionately) I love you.

Franklin: You love me?

Monica: Staying in character. That's all.

(Monica rests her head on Franklin's chest and squeezes him tightly.)

Franklin: I love you too.

15

(Opens with Shelly and Rob on street corner)

Shelly: I can't believe that stupid bitch had the nerve to come back after all the shit she pulled.

Rob: You're being too hard on her Shelly. It isn't like she started anything with you.

Shelly: So what!

Rob: So what? You have enough to deal with. Don't stress yourself out over Monica.

Shelly: You've got a point. I don't even need to think about that cunt rag.

Rob: How are things with Rich?

Shelly: I haven't spoken to him since the arrest. Don't plan on it either. With him finding out about the whole prostitution thing the way he did he won't talk to me even if I tried.

Rob: You don't know that.

Shelly: Please. He's a lawyer and I'm a hooker. The two don't mix well outside of a business arrangement.

Rob: Call him. You never know; he might look over everything.

Shelly: I lied to him Rob. He didn't even know my real name and I was too chicken shit to quit the biz before he found out.

Rob: But you were going to. It was just bad timing. Maybe you should still quit. I mean you've got a new perspective on things. You were happier than I've ever seen you when you were with Rich. What happens if you meet someone else and it starts all over again?

Shelly: I won't meet anyone who even comes close to what Rich was to me. That shit doesn't happen twice in one lifetime. The only reason I was going to quit was for Rich, not for me. I've done the pro work so long it doesn't bother me anymore. I couldn't care less if I'm hustling my ass for the rest of my wretched life. Quitting was always for him, never for me.

Rob: Kind of limiting yourself aren't you?

Shelly: In what way?

Rob: Saying there will never be anyone else like Rich. When was the last time you even tried to find someone? Finding Rich was as much an accident as getting popped a week or two before you quit. Maybe you should keep your ears perked up a little more often.

Shelly: Speaking of getting popped, what the fuck are you doing out here? Didn't I tell you the cops are watching? In fact, what the fuck are we doing out here?! We must be stupid standing on this same goddamned corner! This is exactly the spot they're watching.

Rob: Fuck that. If the cops wanted me I would already be at the jailhouse receiving phone book beatings.

Shelly: They watch for a while and then they pick you up. That's the way it works.

Rob: If that's the way it works they already have enough shit on me to pinch. I have to put food on my table. I'm not pedaling this dope just for shits and giggles. Not many fringe benefits in this line of work.

Shelly: (Jokingly) How modest! You know you love fucking junkies for skag when they don't have cash.

Rob: (Smiling) Shut up Shelly.

Shelly: You're telling me you never have?

Rob: I've fucked as many junkies as you've had orgasms with Johns.

Shelly: I find that hard to believe.

Rob: Believe what you will. Might take a little head for a hit but I won't fuck. There's no telling where those pussies have been.

Shelly: Good point. Glad you have some sense to you.

(Silent moment)

Rob: Shelly?

Shelly: Yeah?

Rob: I really miss Franklin.

Shelly: Me too Rob. I wish he hadn't died the way he did.

Rob: I just wish he hadn't died. There must have been something we could've done.

Shelly: You know as well as I do he wanted to go out. He didn't want to put a gun to his head but he might as well have.

Rob: He didn't deserve to die the way he did.

Shelly: No he didn't. But he didn't want to take the quick way out. It was punishment. He wanted to be self destructive and go out as slowly and painfully as possible.

Rob: Just had to be the brooding prince didn't he?

Shelly: Prince of Smack more like it.

(John approaches)

John: Working tonight?

Shelly: I'm not working, sugar. But I'd sure like a date for the night.

John: Well, I know this great place just around the block. New joint. You walk through that alley over there to get to it. (Making a point not to point)

Shelly: Sounds like a blast to me. Let's go. Robby, I'll see you around.

Rob: Sure thing.

(Shelly and John go to alleyway. Stranger approaches Rob)

Rob: What's up friend? Need something?

Stranger: Got any nose candy?

Rob: Nothing for the nose.

Stranger: Anything for my aching arms?

Rob: What you need?

Stranger: Couple of 20s.

Rob: Sure sure.

(Rob goes to his pocket and produces two 20 bags. As soon as he takes the money he is swarmed by cops and arrested. He is taken offstage. Attention is drawn over to alleyway. John and Shelly are fucking while they stand. John is pumping away while Shelly watches Rob's arrest. She is silent.)

John: What the fuck is this?! Do I have to pay you extra for you to act like you like or something?

Shelly: With what you're packing you'd have to pay me to like it.

(John cracks her on the jaw)

John: That's pretty funny you dumb twat. Let's hear another. (Shelly says nothing) No? Did I knock the wit out of that pretty head of yours?

Shelly: (sarcastically) It's just that that huge cock of yours has me mesmerized in sexual ecstasy. (Monotone) Oh baby, shake the earth for me. Fuck me so hard I give you a refund.

(John hits her again)

John: Shit honey. (Grabs her gruffly by the hair and hits her again) When I'm through you'll need to save the cash I gave you. You might not be working for a while.

(John throws her to the ground and beats her severely while fucking/raping her.)

16

(Gary is in another waiting room)

Gary: Here I am. Waiting to start my first film. Due to scheduling conflicts I had to cancel the only other acting job I had gotten. Doesn't matter anyway, I only had three lines. This is my acting debut. So why is it I have a wretched feeling in my stomach? Maybe its just nerves. Maybe I think I won't be any good at this job. Maybe it's the fact that I'm making a porno movie.

Is this what I want? Is this the stardom I dreamed of? There's still time to back out. Still time to tell them I don't want to make this fucking smut. But I'm not going to. I need this. I tried and I failed. Is this failure? Is this as good as anyone in my position does? I've always thought that when I landed my perfect role, that when I got my break-through performance that I wouldn't feel nervous. I wouldn't have the anxiety I have now. Happiness should be washing over me so profusely that I'm bouncing off the walls while barely containing my bliss. I thought I'd be so happy when this day came. Why do I feel so shitty?

It feels like a nightmare where something is following you. Something, you don't know what, is trailing you and all you feel is fear. All you feel is an overpowering need to get the fuck away from whatever is following you. That fear that overpowers you so much that you can't even turn around to see what's pursuing. You're so afraid to be caught that you can't turn your head to see if you should fear it. Maybe its scarier to turn and discover that nothing is following you. Maybe there's never anything there but your own shadow, the Jungian negativity in one's own personality. Maybe if you turned around you'd only see yourself. Distorted; the way others see you. I'd rather see a grotesque, stereotypical creature with dripping fangs and leathery scales than to face up to my shadow.

(A stagehand enters)

Stage Hand: Gary, they need you in wardrobe.

Gary: Sure, thanks.

(Gary goes offstage. The cast and crew arrive from the other side. They include the Director, an actor in a police uniform, and stagehands. Gary reenters in a policeman's uniform after a short pause.)

Director: Gary! You look great!

Gary: I feel like an asshole.

Actor: So do I.

Director: You, (to Actor) shut up. C'mon Gary, its time to make you a star.

Gary: I'm afraid I didn't get a script. I don't know any of the lines.

Director: That's because I love improve. I shoot by the seat of my pants. So let's go. I'm feeling inspired, ok?

Gary: Ok. I think I'm ready.

Director: Great! Let's get going. Ok, I'll set it up for you guys. We'll say; you guys are partners. Right? You just got off work and it's been a real shitty day. You've maybe seen a murder victim or something. Some shit that fucks with even the most hardened cops. You want to comfort each other. You want to hold each other tight so you know its ok and all that other mushy bullshit. Ok, ready?

Actor: Sure.

Gary: Yep.

Director: Ok! Get in place. Everybody shut up! Annnndd action!

Actor: (with obviously bad acting abilities but also with a pseudo sensuality) I can't believe what we saw today.

Gary: I know. That little girl couldn't have been what, eight? Those butchers...

Actor: It was really awful stuff.

Gary: How could mankind do this to its fellow man? How could anyone...

Actor: It was really awful to see.

Gary: (pauses to readjust his improvisational approach) Awful doesn't begin to describe the horrors we've witnessed today.

Actor: I don't know how I'll ever get to sleep tonight.

Gary: When sleep does take me I shall be plagued by the worst of nightmares.

Actor: At least we have each other to fuck.

(The Actor draws very near to Gary grabbing the back of Gary's neck with one hand and caressing Gary's arm with the other.)

Gary: My... (uncomfortably) I'm really glad I have you to hold right now. I don't think I could make it through the night without your sweet and comforting embrace.

Actor: God I'm on fire for you! I've wanted you ever since we became partners.

Gary: I sometimes wonder how in a world full of people that we were...(Actor starts rubbing Gary's crouch) able to meet each other.

Actor: I know what you mean.

Gary: (with hesitation) Yeah.

Actor: Put that hot nightstick in my mouth.

Gary: Don't you sometimes feel like...

Actor: I'll tell you what I sometimes feel like. (Actor goes down on his knees and starts undoing Gary's pants.) I want to suck that big cock of yours.

Gary: Uhhh...

Actor: I know you want to fuck my asshole. Partner.

Director: Cut! Ok. More direction. Get undressed. You, (to Actor) suck his cock for a few minutes while he jacks you off and fingers your asshole. Then go to a 69. Do the 69 for a few minutes and then I want Gary to take a dick in his ass. Pound away at him for a few minutes until you're just about ready to cum. Then its Gary's turn. If you go a little limp Gary, put your dick back in his mouth until you're hard again. Once you're hard, bend him over and fuck his ass. Go ahead and cum in there so we can get a shot of it dripping out. After that, get on your knees and suck his cock until he cums in your face. Ok, got it?

Actor: Got it.

Director: Gary? (Gary doesn't respond.) Gary? (Impatiently) You want to keep this job or what Gary?

Gary: Yeah. Yeah I do.

17

(Rob sits alone at an interrogation table. He is handcuffed to it.)

Rob: I've really done it this time. They were watching me and I even knew it. How fucking stupid could I be? They didn't find shit on me though. I still can't believe I got a chance to eat all the shit I was holding. How much was it I had left? Beginning of the night, I'd already sold a few. Fuck. If I don't die I'm going to be exceptionally sick. Wish they'd just get this shit over with.

Why the hell do they have me in here anyway? Do they expect me to roll over on my hook up? The cops always want to go higher in the food chain. Probably because they know that I'd sell out every junky piece of shit I've ever sold to, and some I hadn't, to save my own skin. But they don't want the junkies. They want the dealers. That's me. A dealer. So now they want the dealer's dealer. They're fucked if they think I'd roll over on my hookup. I'm no rat. Never was and never will be. My life has been built around keeping my mouth shut. There's no way these pricks are getting anything out of me. They can beat me all they want but I won't talk.

Maybe I'll tell them a story or two. Throw a few jokes at them and they'll say, 'This kid's funny as hell. Let's just let him go.' Wouldn't that be great? But it doesn't go down like that unfortunately. They'll come in here, smack me around a little bit, ask some questions, pout when I want a lawyer, and then smack me around a little bit more. All I have to do is take the beatings and keep my mouth shut and I'll be fine. All I want to do is find a toilet so I can get this knot of heroin out of my gut. Can't those fuckers hurry up?

(A policeman opens the door and walks inside. Rob has a look of shock when he sees that it's his father.)

Father: Heh. Look at you. A junky and a pusher. You been hustling that sweet little ass of yours for your dope?

Rob: How have the legs been working?

(Father slaps Rob across the face.)

Father: Let's just remember something; you're my bitch now. Little chicken shit motherfucker. Don't have the balls to fight me when I'm awake.

Rob: Guess I was afraid you'd beat me to death and rape my corpse.

Father: Well guess what? It ain't going to be me that does that shit. It's going to be a bulldog nigger naming you Candy. When I'm through you'll think I was god and you got sent to hell for you sins.

Rob: I'd take a brother over you any day of the week. Fuck, I'd take ten over your stubby dick.

Father: Still got that sly wit I see. You get that shit from your whore of a mother you know. (Rob tries to lunge at Father but is restrained by the handcuffs.) Heh heh. Whoa tiger! Ha ha. (Father backhands Rob.) Your mama never did tell you how she met me, did she? I'm not surprised. You see she was a hooker selling that stank pussy for a nickel so she could keep her habits going. She sucked and fucked every nigger and spick this side of the devil's domain. Her pimp used to call her the Cum Queen cause she could drink two gallons of cum a day without batting an eye. That's the only thing I miss about your old ma; that mouth of hers. Bout the only good part of her face. I used to have to bend her over just to get a hard on, but when she pounded back against me the pro in her really came out. She could milk my cock two or three times in less than five minutes she was so good at what she did. The only thing that ugly mug of hers was good for was catching my cum. I used to spray that bitch's face like a goddamn garden hose. I thought I took out her fucking eye once! Oh boy I wish you could've seen that! So what do you have to say to all that shit?

Rob: I think you're a goddamned power tripping, can't get a rise without a gun, nasty, pig fucking son of a bitch prairie boy. Whatever farm animal your daddy fucked to get you should be put down. How many pigs, cows and horses did you fuck on that farm you grew up on? I know you knew how. Mom told me one night you got so loaded you started balling your eyes out screaming about how your dad used to take you to the barn late at night and... (Father punches Rob in the mouth.)

Father: The only pig I ever fucked was that whore of a mom of yours. The worst fucking mistake I ever made was keeping that stupid cunt around.

Rob: I thought the only mistake you ever made was swallowing your pappy's... (interrupted by a barrage of punches from Father.)

Father: You know what? When I found out your mom was up the stick I got good and drunk, came home and started punching her right in the gut. I beat her real good that night. I figured, 'If the little cocksucker survived that he deserves to live!' I should've killed her stupid ass right there and then. I waited too fucking long! But I'll tell you something you'll really get a kick out of. Just after you were born your mom left me alone with you while she went out and sucked off some asshole in an alley. She made the mistake of not blowing me first. So I took a couple shots of J.D. and went into your room. You were lying there all sweet and innocent. So cute in your little crib. I stood there and looked at this little monstrosity of mine, thinking I should toss you out the window. But then your pacifier fell out of your mouth and you needed something to suck on so badly. And I just couldn't let you do without something to suck.

Rob: (calmly) I might actually believe some of this shit if it was coming from someone who never got fucked by their father while the goats were watching.

Father: Doesn't matter if you believe it or not. You're nothing. Lowest form of life on this planet. Me on the other hand, everybody believes me. But belief is a relative thing. Sometimes it doesn't matter if anyone believes you or not. Take the night I killed your mom for example. I didn't even have to make up a lie to try to explain myself but I did anyway. In fact, (starts giggling) this is really priceless. I can't help but laugh every time I think about it. Want to know why I never got in any shit over your mother's death? Because I blamed it on you! I told them all you were fucked in the head and you went wild while I was sleeping. (animatedly) Went crazy in the night I told them. Killed your own sweet mother and broke my arms and legs in my sleep. When they asked who's cum was in your momma I told them, 'It must've been the boy's. How could that sick little fucker do that to my beloved wife?'

Rob: (maliciously) You told them what?

Father: Don't play that tough guy shit with me, boy. Even if you got out of this room there's 40 cops on the other side of that door that think you killed and fucked your own mother. And they think you busted me up for no reason. You're a flake. The worst kind of flake there is really because you were dumb enough to pull this shit on a cop. And you know how we watch out for our own.

Rob: I should've killed you that fucking night.

Father: Obviously. But what can you do about it now? Could've, would've, should've. Doesn't make a fuck's difference. You're up for murder, rape, necrophilia, drug trafficking, resisting arrest, assaulting an officer, and first-degree battery. You are good and fucked. I'll make sure they put you away somewhere that white boys like you are guaranteed to get fucked on a daily basis. I've got a little advice for you. When you get in the lock up, sell your ass. If you start out being a punk they won't rape you quite as frequently. Most of the guys just like taking a guy's ass to take his manhood. Well, and to hear him scream. Guess they like fighting for their pussy.

Rob: I'm going to make you wish that you never left that sodomy filled... (Rob becomes noticeably distressed) fucking... father raping... (Rob falls limply and begins over dosing.)

Father: You little shit! That's why we couldn't find your drugs! (Father yells for help.) I won't let you off that easily. You better live to see the prison time you're in for. (Yelling for help again) Somebody get the fuck in here! This junky shit swallowed his stash!

(A few officers come in. Scene ends in chaotic disarray.)

18

(Scene opens with a woman sitting at a desk. She is a counselor for women in an abortion clinic. Shelly enters.)

Counselor: Hello. You must be Shelly.

Shelly: That's me.

Counselor: I was told that you wanted to speak with me before the operation.

Shelly: Operation? Don't you mean abortion?

Counselor: We like to call it an operation. Sometimes the word abortion makes people feel uncomfortable.

Shelly: Good description of what I'm feeling right now.

Counselor: So what is it you'd like to get off your chest?

Shelly: I'm sure you hear stories like this everyday but I have to get it out. Right now there's no one else for me to talk to. I'm... I'm a prostitute. I'm a prostitute and this is my sixth abortion. It used to be that I thought of this as a work hazard. When the unexpected happened there was always the convenience of getting it taken care of in places like this. It's always the same routine but this time it's just a little bit different. Everything is exactly like it always is, but I can't stop crying and I feel like I'm going to hell. Actually I feel like I'm already in hell. I don't even buy into that religious shit but it's the only way I can describe it. There's a sickness boiling up in me and I know after this is over there'll be a great void in my being.

Counselor: What is different about this time? Under what circumstances did you get pregnant? Where you working?

Shelly: No. It was a man that I love. Actually, loved. Probably the only man I ever loved. He wasn't a customer. He was too good for that. Too pure. I couldn't tell him about tricking, I just couldn't. So I lied to him about everything. My life, the person I was; even my name. Now he's gone and, and, I don't know if what I'm doing is right. I don't know if I can kill anymore of him.

Counselor: No one said you had to go through with this. The final decision is yours and if you don't want to do it you don't have to.

Shelly: I don't think I could raise this child. A lowly whore like me doesn't deserve the privilege of raising his child. Everyday of the rest of my life I would look at this child and be reminded of the huge fuck up I've committed.

Counselor: Do you think your self-loathing is a good enough reason to get the abortion?

Shelly: Sort of, yes. If I carry this pain and torment, which I'm sure I'll take with me, the entire pregnancy the baby will be mentally influenced the whole time. He'll grow up an unhappy mental cripple. I can't do that to him. And I could never live with myself if I passed along some of my family's lesser genetic traits.

Counselor: What makes you think...

Shelly: I know it would happen. There are things that aren't in your books but I know them.

Counselor: Does the father know?

Shelly: He hasn't returned my calls in days. Even if he did call back he wouldn't want a child that came from a whore. No one wants a whore's son. If it was born it'd be a bastard. The son of a thousand fathers. A child shouldn't be raised by an aging hooker. My looks are already going. The beauty of youth is fleeing me. Soon I won't be able to support myself besides supporting a child. I suppose now that there must be sacrifices. I'm paying for all the fuck ups I've ever committed and I don't think I'll be recovering anytime soon.

Counselor: You said earlier that you have undesirable genetic traits that you didn't want to pass on. What did you mean by that?

Shelly: My father was a total asshole. When I was growing up he did things to my sister and me. No matter how I raised this child it'd still have some of that beating around in its head.

Counselor: What kinds of things were done to you and your sister? Elaborate.

Shelly: I grew up in one of the rural areas of the Cleft. There weren't very many people around so I was pretty much alone except for my family. There was my sister, my dad, and me. Mom had died giving birth to my younger sister when I was about two. So I really didn't get much of a chance to get to know her. My father was somewhat of a lonely man that had few friends and never really had any lovers.

I was about seven when he started touching me. At least that's when my memories of it started. I'm sure I'm repressing a lot more from an earlier age. He was touching me and basically leaving my sister alone. I was about nine the first time he fucked me. I remember that at first it really didn't bother me. Keep in mind that my father only sent me to school long enough for me to learn how to read a little and we were far enough away from people that he was the only influence from others that I had. While he was fucking me that first time I was thinking something like 'So this is what families do with each other. This must be how you show someone you really love them.' I also remember wondering why I'd never known of him doing it to my sister. 'Doesn't he love her too?' It wasn't until later that night that I realized that shit shouldn't be happening. I had a terrible nightmare about him cumming inside me. In the nightmare it was some kind of acidic poison that ate through my body and left a giant hole in me. When I woke up crying that was when I realized that what he was doing was wrong. I somehow just knew it was. Like my subconscious was telling me.

This went on for a long time without me doing anything about it. He'd come into my room at night and start touching me while he was touching myself. I used to try to rationalize what was going on. How could something that brought daddy so much pleasure be so disturbing to me? He would play with himself for a little bit and then he'd tell me to undress in front of him. He'd turn off the lights and start whispering in my ear so soothingly, so lovingly. For years I couldn't quite figure out why I felt so horrible about what he was doing. For the longest time I thought there was something wrong with me because I couldn't enjoy what was happening like my father was. He loved what he was doing so much but I used to cry and cry after he left my room. I just couldn't understand.

My father would work from time to time in the nearest town. When he left I would sneak into the nearest library and check out as many books as I could carry and hide. I taught myself how to read like that. A few books at a time and little by little I was doing ok with it. My father never really forbade me from reading or going into town but I knew he wouldn't like it if he found out. One day I was reading a book that they give to children to warn them about child molestation. I don't even know to this day why I'd checked out that particular book. I read it and began crying uncontrollably. This book was perfectly describing everything he was doing to me in detail and justifying for me why I felt the way I did. For the first time I realized that there wasn't anything wrong with me for feeling the way I did.

Dad was still at work when I went to my sister to talk to her about it. My sister never really said anything at all. She was always so reserved and quiet. She told me years later that she'd always blamed herself for our mother's death, that dad would tell her it was her fault and guilt her into submission for his advances. I didn't find out until we were adults that she was being abused at the same age that dad had started abusing. She just never said anything like I'd never said anything. This abuse was going on for years and the secret we were made to keep kept my sister and I so distant that we didn't even know for sure it was happening to the other. I promised my sister that when he got home that night I was going to confront him about it. I told her I would take care of everything.

That night he got off work around the time I was going to bed. He came into my room in his usual way. Instead of letting him feel me up I started screaming at him. He looked so shocked and humiliated. He sat and listened to everything I had to say. He was so patient and understanding. Once I was done he told me about the needs a man has and how lonely he was without my mother around. But then his face became completely distorted to me; like he was becoming a different person. It was then that he told me that he'd stop raping my sister if I would let him continue abusing me. What else could I do? I had no friends, no family to turn to. I told him if he ever touched my sister again that I would kill him. I also told him that I'd agree to his proposition.

He fucked me that night with a new passion. In some way in his head I was now completely willing to do everything his sick mind warranted him to come up with. He started dressing me up in costumes from time to time. There were many nights he made me wear my mother's old clothing. (pause to compose herself) He would want me to get into character, to start moaning, like I was someone who was not only willing but also enjoying what he was doing. At that point he knew it was tearing me up inside to let him do these things. But he also knew I'd never tell anyone or make him stop so long as he hung my sisters well being over my head.

It was when I was about 14 that things went from bad to worse. My father had met a man through his job that was also into abusing children. They bonded very quickly seeing as they were the only two sick fucks around to relate to each other. My father's friend also had daughters of his own. They began exchanging us for weeks at a time. "daughter swapping" they called it. Dad used to tell me 'it was time to go stay at my uncle's for a while' every time that asshole friend of his wanted fresh meat. His friend had three daughters. The eldest two were the ones always traded for me. My younger sister and his youngest daughter were always off limits. I thought that was because my father was holding up his end of the bargain to me. But that was bullshit. In actuality they only wanted to save the youngest for themselves. My father never stopped raping my sister. He only punished her for telling me their 'secret' and hung my well being over her head just as he hung hers over my head.

One Christmas they decided that they had withheld their youngest for long enough. It being the time of giving they came to a mutual agreement that they needed to taste each other's choicest child. My sister disappeared for two weeks and I had someone else to play with for a short while. But this time it wasn't two little girls sulking about the fact they were fucked by their father on a regular basis. It was 'my uncle's' youngest who was with me this time. I convinced this girl that it was time we did something about what was happening to us. This time they really had gone too far. I pulled my dad's shotgun out of the closet and hid it under my bed. He was so busy with that little girl that he never noticed it was missing. I hid the shotgun and I waited for him to bring my sister home.

Finally one day my father left with her to visit his friend and get my little sister back. I was alone in that house clutching that shotgun for hours just staring at the door waiting for him to walk through it. He finally did. He opened the door with a smile on his face and froze as soon as he saw the gun. I pointed it straight at him. I'll never forget how he patted my sister on the back to tell her to move out of the way. I can't recall a single time he was ever so gentle, so human. She walked a few steps from him and I could feel the tears rolling down my face and for a second I thought about not doing it. I thought that maybe it would be enough for him to live through that moment and know how cruel of a human being he had been. But then I remembered the broken promise and I pulled the trigger without really even thinking about it. It was like my brain knew what I should be doing even if my heart was chickening out. I didn't even look to see if he was dead I just knew that he was.

My sister and I sat in that room together for a long while without saying a word. I waited for the shock of what I'd just done to hit me but it never did. We were both so numb at that point we were simply apathetic. She had just spent the previous two weeks being repeatedly raped by a stranger and I had just spent those two weeks listening to my father having sex through my bedroom wall while stroking a shotgun I'd lain in my lap. We'd been through so much already there was nowhere left in us for his death to register.

We decided to turn ourselves in thinking that the worst thing that could happen was that we would be sent to the nearest orphanage. We were very young and naïve and it turned out that being sent to an orphanage was the worst thing that could have happened. We actually thought it would be a blessing to us but once we arrived there and told them our story it only gave the head masters permission to rape us like our father had. Only they were bright enough to not leave weapons laying around. At one point they locked us in separate cells in the basement so no one could adopt us and we could be ready for them anytime they liked.

Counselor: What happened to the other girls?

Shelly: When my sister and I turned ourselves over to the state we'd told the police about our father's friend and he was arrested. I heard he hung himself in jail within a week. The three sisters ended up in the same orphanage that we were sent to. Like I said it was a small, rural community. They treated those three no differently than we were treated. They locked them in the basement the same as us and the staff kept doing to them what their father had done to them for years.

I found out that the younger one had somehow gotten free enough to bite a chunk out of one of the rapist's necks and escaped. Before she could come back to rescue her sisters the master had beaten one of the sisters to death as punishment. When she did come back though she'd brought the police with her and the place was shut down.

They moved everyone to another orphanage where things weren't nearly as bad as the one we'd come from. It was a much nicer place and in hindsight I should've stayed. After my sister was sent away I saw no reason to be there so I came to Clefton to be a movie star. I ended up in a few porn movies and from there to the street. I've been turning tricks ever since.

Counselor: Where was your sister sent?

Shelly: They institutionalized her. She was already a little off when she was born. Mom had some kind of a disease and it rubbed off on my sister. After being raped for years, watching me shoot our father and then getting locked in a cage and raped by even more strangers she was just gone. It was all too much for her. I heard she'd died in the mad house a few years ago. Just as well, she never had an easy time with life so it's better for her not to be among the living.

Counselor: It sounds like you've had a terrible life. Perhaps you should take these experiences and apply them to a child of your own. Knowing the things about life that you know you'd make an exceptional parent.

Shelly: No I wouldn't. My child would be just like my sister. She wouldn't be right for this world. I don't know if she would've ever gotten a stomach for what people are capable of. This baby was conceived by the only happiness my miserable life has ever known. I thought for once that all the shit I've been through had finally paid off. I thought I'd finally found something good in this shithole of a world but I was wrong. Every time I become the tiniest bit happy with my surroundings life fucks me one more time. I could never raise a child in this world knowing the things I know about life. What hope could I instill in a child when I know hope only raises your expectations which of course will always come crashing down sooner or later? I won't bring another person into this world to suffer like everyone is forced to suffer just by breathing the air of this bleak existence. True, not everyone goes through what I've been through. But things like that do happen. People like my father are out there. Even if this child only had to go through half the things I have life would still throw something else at it. Life is nothing but suffering and I refuse to make anyone else suffer. This child is better off where ever it is now.

Counselor: You still intend on getting the operation then?

Shelly: Yes I do. Now if you'll excuse me I'll stop wasting your time. (rises to leave)

Counselor: Are you sure this is truly what you want to do?

Shelly: (while leaving the office) Thank you for your time, doctor. It's nice that there's someone here for people to talk to. Even if it is only to get something off their chest.

The End
Bone
[Since this is largely a role reversal play many considerations must be made in terms of dress, body language and speech patterns.

The men should be dressed in a masculine way but their clothes should be much more form fitting and of course they will have constantly erected penises. Think of the head of the penis as a nipple and this will help in clothing the penis itself. Matt and Rob are the only characters that should have revealing penis garbs and this can be conveyed with a cap of some kind over the head itself with the shaft being bare and unclothed. As for their voices they should be higher than a normal male voice but not blatantly effeminate. Only Rob speaks very effeminately. The rest of the male actors' voices should be soft (less gruff) instead of flamboyant.

For the women their dress should be just above casual but still loose fitting. The characters are at a party but it's the sort of party that would not require a man to be overly dressed and since the women are taking over the masculine roles in the play they should be dressed a little higher than casual but still specific to their characters. They are primarily at the party to get drunk and/or laid and costumes should match their individual purposes/personalities. As for their voices they should be husky but not overly deep. They should speak in a way they would if they had a deeper voice but it should not sound as if their voice is overly done. The mannerisms can be as masculine as needed by the actors, directors, etc. For the most part their breasts should not be accentuated since the female breast is (in the play) the equivalent to the male penis. Most men do not wear pants that display their 'bulges' and breasts, in concerns to costuming, should be treated in the same capacity.]

(Scene opens with three women standing to the right of the stage talking amongst themselves)

Patricia:

This party is so lame.

Alicia:

I know. It's such a fun bag fest in here! Didn't Amanda invite any guys over?

Patricia:

She did but none of them have shown up yet.

Alyssa:

I've never met a girl that goes as long as she does without getting laid. When was the last time she had any?

Alicia:

What year is it?

(All laugh)

Patricia:

Seriously though, if no men show up soon I'm so bailing on this party. But at least she loaded up on booze. If any men do show they'll get good and loosened up.

Alicia:

Hopefully they'll loosen me up a bit.

(All laugh)

Patricia:

How much do you want to bet that some guys show up and they don't even drink anything because they get nervous about all the women here?

Alicia:

Quit being so pessimistic. Don't you know dudes hate that?

Patricia:

Oh go read another women's magazine.

Alyssa:

(to Alicia) Did you get one of those 'How to pick up men' books in the mail again?

Alicia:

For your information that book of mine has gotten me laid by three different guys this year.

Patricia:

Did you have to wake them up afterwards or did they sleep through it again?

(Patricia and Alyssa laugh)

Alicia:

I don't have to date rape a guy to get mine. I mean, who wants to fuck a guy who just got through puking anyway? I don't need a zombie to get me off.

Patricia:

Just a few fingers and a few minutes alone huh?

(Patricia and Alyssa laugh again then all three turn to stage left where two men have just arrived on stage)

Alicia:

Well looks like this party's getting more interesting.

(The conversation between the women cease and focal point is directed at men. Women still interact but do so silently)

Matt:

Are we the only men here?

Lewis:

Looks that way.

Matt:

Maybe this wasn't the best of plans. Oh well, it's not like I wanted to go to Erica's party anyway.

Lewis:

I thought you and Erica were doing so well. You made a cute couple.

Matt:

Please. She took me out to dinner a few times and proceeded to fall in love with me.

Lewis:

I hate it when girls do that.

Matt:

I think she's a virgin and there's no way I'm taking a girl's virginity.

Lewis:

What makes you think she's a virgin?

Matt:

She was telling me she was really religious as a teenager and she never really talked about any past boyfriends or anything. I would've asked her about it but the last girl I asked lied to me and told me she wasn't. I went over to her place, we start fooling around and the next thing you know she's bleeding on the sheets. That's why I don't trust women; they'll say anything to get you in the sack.

Lewis:

So Erica was what, waiting until she was married or something?

Matt:

Until she got old enough to realize that everyone who says that never sticks with it. What people don't get is that waiting until you're married stuff only works if it's the first time for both of you.

Lewis:

That makes sense though. I mean you always feel special about the first time.

Matt:

Yeah, even if they are a total asshole.

Lewis:

You don't think much of women do you?

Matt:

They're all assholes that are only interested in one thing. You should wise up or you're really going to get hurt one day.

Lewis:

(changing the subject) Is Edward still going to try to make it over here?

Matt:

No, he's still doped up on pills.

Lewis:

At least he has Rachael to take care of him.

Matt:

Now Rachael, there's a piece of work! You know she went to Erica's party tonight?

Lewis:

(without belief) No!

Matt:

Yeah! Edward gets in a car wreck, breaks his penis bone and his leg and she goes to a party probably trying to pick up some other guy. That's what I'm saying about not being so trusting with women. He can't have sex with her for a while so she doesn't have any use for him.

Lewis:

That's so sad. He is so totally in love with her too. She got a cold last month and expected him to wait on her hand and foot.

Matt:

What a baby! Women come off so tough but when they get a measly little cold it's like they want their daddy to take care of them.

Lewis:

Did I tell you Erica's friend Jessica tried to sleep with me last week?

Matt:

You say that like it's a bad thing, she's pretty cute.

Lewis:

I know but we were at a party and she was slobbering drunk. I guess she's one of those girls that have to be completely plastered before she can work up the nerve to talk to a guy.

Matt:

So what'd she do?

Lewis:

I was on the couch with a drink and she sits down next to me. We talked for a little bit but she was slurring so badly I could barely understand her. Then she starts telling me she's had a crush on me for years and the next thing I know she's trying to kiss me and then she grabs me!

Matt:

She grabbed you?!

Lewis:

Yeah!

Matt:

Your... (points down at Lewis' penis)

Lewis:

Yeah!

Matt:

(with great disbelief but anticipation for the conclusion) What did you do?!

Lewis:

I slapped the shit out of her! A girl should know better than to go around grabbing men like that!

Matt:

What did she do?

Lewis:

She got really angry and I thought she was going to hit me back. I got off the couch and luckily found my friend Gwen and told her what happened. Gwen was drunk too so she gets really pissed about it and found a few of her friends to take Jessica outside and kicked the shit out of her.

Matt:

Gwen got a bunch of her friends to beat up Jessica?

Lewis:

Yeah. There was like five girls beating her. Luckily they all stopped and someone took Jessica home.

Matt:

This Gwen must really have a thing for you.

Lewis:

(dismissively) No! Gwen is like a sister to me. We're just friends.

Matt:

I've never met a girl that wanted to be only friends with me. They've got sex on the brain too much.

Lewis:

Maybe you've been hanging around the wrong girls.

Matt:

You know that's how it always starts?

Lewis:

What?

Matt:

Being only friends.

Lewis:

Being only friends? You're losing me.

Matt:

God you're so slow. Forget it.

Lewis:

Whatever.

Matt:

You can tell me if you like her you know. I won't tell anyone.

Lewis:

If I liked her you would be the first to know. You are the only girl I can stand to be around.

Matt:

(sarcastically) Gee thanks.

Lewis:

(defensively) You know what I mean.

Matt:

Men are scandalous creatures aren't they?

Lewis:

I think it's territorial. Men always want to be the only guy in the room so all the women will pay more attention to them.

Matt:

Is that so? Sounds more like insecurity to me.

Lewis:

This coming from someone who hangs out with as few guys as I do?

Matt:

I don't like other guys, simple as that. I got over all my discomforts with myself a long time ago.

Lewis:

(jovially unconvinced) How did you manage that?

Matt:

It helps to take whole days without putting on any cloths.

Lewis:

Oh stop!

Matt:

Especially when there's a girl around.

Lewis:

(playing along) Does she have to be naked too?

Matt:

I prefer it when they stay dressed. When women walk around naked they walk with their breasts.

Lewis:

(giggles)

Matt:

It's like their boobs are their pride and joy.

Lewis:

Women just don't realize breast size really doesn't matter.

Matt:

Not as much as they think it does. But you can't tell me you don't like it when a girl has a nice, firm pair of breasts.

Lewis:

Well... (Leaves off shyly)

Matt:

(begins laughing) You size queen!

Lewis:

(playfully slaps Matt's arm) You bastard!

Matt:

I'm just calling it like I see it.

(Lewis and Matt continue their conversation quietly while dialogue switches back to Patricia, Alicia and Alyssa)

Patricia:

Goddamn look at the cock on that guy!

Alicia:

Which one?

Patricia:

(shocked) Which one?! The one that has his shit all wrapped up tight with the sides cut out.

Alyssa:

(disgustedly sarcastic) Guys just love it when you talk about their penises like that.

Alicia:

Who are you; president of the Men's Lib. Committee all of a sudden?

Alyssa:

I'm just saying that women talking about guys like that are what make them think we're all sex-crazed dogs.

Patricia:

(to Alyssa) Listen, that guy over there is showing what he's got for a reason.

Alicia:

Because he wants women like us to see it.

Patricia:

There's nothing wrong with a guy showing off his package. It's eye candy, that's all.

Alicia:

But can't you just tell he wants it so bad?

Patricia:

Yes...I...can.

Alyssa:

You guys are great you know that?

Alicia:

Like you don't like what you see.

Alyssa:

Yeah, the guy's got a big dick. But that's no reason to go over there and drool all over it.

Patricia:

That's every reason to go over there and drool all over it.

Alicia:

It just sucks that you can't walk up and let him know how nice of a rack he's got.

Patricia:

I don't know about that Alicia. He looks like the kind of guy that would show it to you if you asked nicely enough.

Alicia:

(agreeably) Might take a few drinks but I do believe you're right.

Alyssa:

(with disgust) Wonderful guys, wonderful.

Patricia:

Piss off. If he gets to show it off then we get to talk about it.

Alyssa:

And ogle it?

Patricia:

And ogle it.

Alicia:

(to Alyssa) You're just still pissed about Richard.

Patricia:

(tiredly) Not this again.

Alyssa:

I am not still pissed about Richard!

Patricia:

(to Alicia) See? She's ok about it. No need to discuss it any further.

Alicia:

(to Alyssa) Not still pissed about it?! You were talking shit about Patricia to me this morning.

Patricia:

(to Alyssa) What'd you say?

Alyssa:

(glaring at Alicia) Nothing that hasn't already been said.

Patricia:

For the last goddamn time Richard told me there was nothing going on between the two of you.

Alyssa:

(bringing up a new point in an old argument) I'd taken him out on a date the night before you two hooked up!

Patricia:

(quickly wearied of the necessity of constant explanation) And I asked him several times, 'Is there anything going on between Alyssa and you?' And every time the answer was always, 'No. We're just friends.' In accordance to the 'sis' code I even went so far to ask, 'Have you told Alyssa this?' Response from Richard: 'Yes.'

Alyssa:

He never said anything like that to me!

Patricia:

Your problem was you pined after him for so long you only heard what you wanted to hear.

Alyssa:

Ok, I'm over this. All right? There are no more ill feelings about the matter.

Patricia:

There was.

Alyssa:

There isn't any more. Ok?!

Patricia:

Think I should believe her Alicia?

Alicia:

(Alicia does not respond because she is lost in an unblinking stare at Matt's penis)

Patricia:

Alicia?

Alicia:

Huh? (Snaps out of it) Damn that guy's got a big cock.

Patricia:

(laughing) Holy shit you're such a pervert.

Alicia:

I prefer the term dirty old woman.

Alyssa:

What ever happened to that guy you were seeing Alicia?

Alicia:

What guy?

Alyssa:

Last night I met up with you and that guy you've been seeing.

Alicia:

Oh, yeah yeah yeah. Mark...Mark...Mark something.

Patricia:

You don't know his last name?

Alicia:

(as if it's beneath her to have to say) It's not a prerequisite.

Alyssa:

Have you heard the term 'woman slut'?

Alicia:

(laughs) That's funny. Last week I bought this tee shirt from this slutty guy that said 'Woman Slut' on it.

Patricia:

Wow. What are the odds?

Alicia:

I told him we should run to the bathroom together since I was the only customer in the store and he got all pissy with me about it.

Alyssa:

Not that surprising.

Alicia:

Hey, he shouldn't get upset because I asked him for a quickie. I mean he almost laid his cock across the counter while handing me my change.

Patricia:

(mockingly) Smooth move.

Alyssa:

You're a very tactful girl Alicia.

Alicia:

Look; a guy shouldn't dress like that if he doesn't want that kind of attention end of story. A guy dresses like that and a woman like me figures he'd be down for something like that.

Patricia:

She's got a point there Alyssa.

Alyssa:

(as if to change the subject) You know I read a really interested article today.

Alicia:

Do tell.

Alyssa:

It was about the roles of masculinity and femininity and about how much of our personalities are based on our bodies.

Alicia:

That doesn't take a genius to figure out.

Patricia:

Right.

Alyssa:

The interesting thing was how the penis bone basically dictates sexual roles and society itself since our culture is so obsessed with sex. Plus its in our biological makeup to procreate and with our bodies constantly telling us we should breed sexual makeup is a huge part of our lives.

Alicia:

Do you realize you said 'dictates' and 'huge part' just now?

Alyssa:

Do you really have to mock me at every turn?

Alicia:

What are you a supervillain all of a sudden?

Alyssa:

I'm just saying it's really fascinating to me how one bone in one part of the male body could effect our way of life so much. If it wasn't for that bone the world would be a completely different place.

Patricia:

So what if we couldn't see their cock? What difference would that make?

Alyssa:

From what the article said it could lead to complete sexual role reversal. The doctor theorized that the penis would still need to become erect somehow but without a bone in there it wouldn't be erect all the time. And you know some dicks are bigger than others and if it wasn't hard all the time then we wouldn't know how big it was and that could lead to some weird competition between men.

Patricia:

Come on. Size matters but not that much.

Alicia:

(to Patricia) You're telling me it's not so much better when it's so much bigger?

Patricia:

It's good but not essential.

Alyssa:

Right but if we couldn't see right away how big or small it was a guy's personality would center around the mystery of the size. The article said that it would escalate inferiority complexes in men if they were too small and would make them do things like become insecure and compensate for their lack of penis in different ways.

Alicia:

Like what? Buying a really big, expensive car or something?

Alyssa:

I don't know I didn't get a chance to finish the article.

Patricia:

I for one refuse to believe that one bone could do all that. I mean what could happen? Men's and women's personalities would flip? That's just crazy.

Alyssa:

Maybe maybe not. I guess we'll never know.

(Switches back to Lewis and Matt)

Matt:

(begins in the middle of the conversation)...and Bryan acted all shocked that Sally cheated on him. I mean, the girl's renowned for being some kind of woman's woman when it comes to having sex. She's a total conquest girl.

Lewis:

What is it with women wanting to have sex with as many guys as possible? Like it's some kind of trophy to get to brag about! Who cares if you've slept with a lot of guys? The girl's probably crawling with STDs with as much as she gets around.

Matt:

Especially some of the men she has sex with.

Lewis:

Oh I know! She'd really go to bed with anyone. Do you remember Harry?

Matt:

Harry?

Lewis:

The guy that worked at that coffee shop we used to go to all the time.

Matt:

When?

Lewis:

About three months ago.

Matt:

(finally realizing) Oh yeahhh. The place with the good muffins.

Lewis:

Remember the fat man that used to work there?

Matt:

(with shocked disgust) The one you could smell across the counter?

Lewis:

That guy.

Matt:

Sally slept with him?!

Lewis:

Yep.

Matt:

I'm never speaking to her again.

Lewis:

I didn't like talking to her in the first place.

Matt:

But you still did.

Lewis:

(passing blame) She'd talk to me. What was I supposed to do?

Matt:

Tell her to her face what you really think of her.

Lewis:

This coming from the guy that totally ignored his girlfriend while sleeping with how many girls?

Matt:

I didn't want to hurt her! Every time I tried to break it off she'd have some kind of calamity in her life and I felt obligated. She was so nice I didn't want to break her heart.

Lewis:

You sure helped drop it in a blender when she found out you were cheating.

Matt:

It's her own fault she found out like that. I told her not to come to Regina's party that night.

Lewis:

She was trying to surprise you with flowers and she walked in on you giving Kayla head!

Matt:

That's what happens when a girl tries to be so sweet she's stuffy.

Lewis:

But she was so nice and you completely crushed her.

Matt:

That was the problem! Its one thing to be nice but Rebecca was so nice it was sickening. Nice girls finish last for a reason; she always let people walk all over her with a smile on her face. She started seeing John a few weeks later, same thing. She was so clingy and always doing (word said with ire) 'nice' things for him he couldn't take it anymore and started seeing Ashley.

Lewis:

Ashley asked me out once but I never went out with her.

Matt:

Why not?

Lewis:

Just not really my type. She asked for my number and I gave it to her but that's as far as it got.

Matt:

You actually gave her your number?

Lewis:

If a girl is confident enough to ask me for my number I give it to them.

Matt:

(with slight mockery) You just don't return their calls.

Lewis:

I was going to but I just had a lot going on and our schedules always conflicted.

Matt:

(disbelievingly) Uh-huh.

Lewis:

I was busy! Sometimes girls come along at the wrong times.

Matt:

Lucky for us girls are always coming along.

Lewis:

That sounds really cruel.

Matt:

Hey, truth hurts.

(Switches back to Patricia, Alicia and Alyssa)

Alicia:

Your problem Alyssa is that you've got that hopeless romantic mentality that'll keep you a lonely girl for a long time.

Alyssa:

What's that supposed to mean?

Alicia:

Every time you meet a guy it's like you get it in your head that he's 'the one'. You start thinking about marriage and kids before you get up the nerve to even talk to the guy. Am I wrong Patricia?

Patricia:

You speak great truth, Master Alicia.

Alicia:

Shut up cow.

Patricia:

(giggles)

Alyssa:

What's wrong with looking for someone to have an actual relationship with? I get a little tired of bouncing from guy to guy for a quick piece of ass.

Patricia:

(clearing throat) Um, Alyssa. You have to actually bounce from guy to guy to know what it's like.

Alyssa:

And you're some kind of expert?

Patricia:

I wasn't the one to say I bounced. I'll admit, I go through dry spells but I get laid as much as the next girl.

Alicia:

Listen Alyssa; you've got to stop putting those kinds of expectations on guys. What happens is you find a guy you like and he actually likes you back, but when he shows you the least little bit of affection you're shopping around in jewelry stores for an engagement ring.

Alyssa:

What's wrong with wanting to find someone to spend the rest of my life with?

Alicia:

Nothing. Except for the fact that it shouldn't take two months for the wedding bells to ring. Even if you found a guy fool enough to marry you in that short of a time you'd be divorced within a year. You can't base matrimony on infatuation.

Patricia:

If you meet a guy that's right for you it should take time to reach that point. Marriage is something to grow into, not dive headfirst in.

Alicia:

Don't forget what a pain it is to find something when you're looking for it.

Alyssa:

I know, I know. (Spoken as if quoted tiredly from an unwritten adage) You only find stuff when you're not looking for it.

Patricia:

Let's not mention the fact that if you put someone high enough on the expectation list he'll always disappoint.

Alicia:

You've just got to relax. If they smell desperation they'll head for the hills.

Alyssa:

(again quoted tiredly from unwritten adage) Desperate people do desperate things.

Patricia:

No they just think you'll become a stalker at some point. Every guy has a stalker story.

Alicia:

But if you're relaxed it breeds relaxation in them.

Patricia:

Don't say breed. Please don't say breed.

Alyssa:

You can be such a child sometimes Patricia.

Patricia:

Hey! Just because I don't want to shit out a kid any time soon I'm a child myself?

Alyssa:

Now what's wrong with having a kid?

Patricia:

Don't even get me started on why you shouldn't want to rush into having a kid.

Alyssa:

It's something I would like to do at some point.

Patricia:

Ever heard the phrase 'happy accident'?

Alyssa:

(annoyed) Yes I have!

Patricia:

Well you are one.

Alyssa:

Hey!

Patricia:

So am I. (Pointing at Alicia) So is she. The only people who try to have kids are the ones who can't have them.

Alyssa:

I've got a cousin who got married and he had a child. He and his wife chose to have their son.

Alicia:

I'll bet they were adamant about safe sex until then too.

Patricia:

There are exceptions to every rule Alyssa. But everyone I know our age that gets pregnant or gets someone pregnant does so accidentally. And if it isn't an accident it's because of trickery.

Alicia:

Trickery? This is a new one for me.

Patricia:

I've got a good example. My sister has a boyfriend. Well, now she has a husband. They were seeing each other for a few years. They lived together. Any time the boyfriend brought up marriage my sister would say, 'What's wrong with what we've got now? Marriage is just a name on a piece of paper. Marriage just screws up your finances. Marriage leads to notions of ownership. Everyone I know is divorced or getting divorced. Let's just give it more time.' Which are some pretty valid arguments if you ask me. She wasn't a bitch about it or anything she would state her opinion and move on. So the marriage talk went on for a while and then the boyfriend finally dropped it. Month later, my sister was pregnant.

Alicia:

Oh shit.

Patricia:

I asked her, 'What the hell happed?'. She told me that they'd always been careful. But they'd been together for so long she stopped asking him to wear a condom but she'd also gotten off the pill because the hormones were throwing her off whack. It was like she was on steroids or something. Now what happened was they were having sex one night and he doesn't pull out.

Alicia:

This sounds more like blatant betrayal than trickery.

Patricia:

Apparently he was always good about pulling out in the past but this time he just didn't. She was furious with him! She jumped his shit for it and do you know what his response was? 'Sorry, I was just in the moment and didn't think to.' Sure enough the one load was enough and now my sister's married to the guy. She's due to give birth in a month.

Alicia:

I'll bet he loves where he's at now.

Patricia:

I doubt it. Every time I visit them they're arguing and my sister started cheating on him as soon as she found out about the pregnancy. She became rather spiteful about the whole thing.

Alicia:

Man its twisted what people do to each other.

Patricia:

(to Alyssa) That's what I'm trying to tell you. Being so concerned about finding a husband and putting that much emphasis on meeting someone special is selling yourself short. You aren't looking for someone you're looking for marriage so you don't have to deal with being single. Almost everyone I know who has been married or is married tells me to never do it.

Alyssa:

That's because they've forgotten what it's like to be alone.

Alicia:

You're setting yourself up for a fall Alyssa. If you get married for the sake of getting married you'll end up with a real bastard that treats you like shit.

Patricia:

And you won't want to leave him because you'll be so afraid of being alone again.

Alicia:

And when you get divorced it won't be just for the sake of getting divorced.

Alyssa:

(anxiously) Stop! You two are going to give me nightmares. You talk about marriage like it's the plague.

Alicia:

It should probably be avoided at all costs. (Joking) Maybe they can start painting signs on couples' doors so you know they're infected.

Patricia:

Marriage isn't a bad thing if it's done the right way. Just don't wed the first guy who says yes. Be picky, don't you think you deserve to be choosey once in a while?

Alyssa:

(showing no enthusiasm) I guess so.

Alicia:

You guess so?! It's that lack of confidence that'll screw you over in the end. Hypothetical: let's say you find that special someone. A week later you're married.

Patricia:

(laughs)

Alyssa:

(getting upset and huffs to show it crossing her arms as she does so)

Alicia:

I'm kidding! Lighten up. With that attitude you'll be courting fat boys the rest of your life. Anyway, you get married but for whatever reason further down the line he wants a divorce. So he's left you and you're all alone. The way you are now do you know what'll happen? He'll have another woman in a week if not before the divorce and you'll be moping around an efficiency apartment for the next year.

Patricia:

By the time you want to get back in the dating game it'll have been so long since you'd tried to meet someone you'll have forgotten how.

Alicia:

It's a lot like being in prison. Once you're in for so long you forget how to live life like a normal person.

Alyssa:

Who wants to be normal?

Patricia:

Now who's acting like a child? You're splitting hairs while we're trying to tell you some stuff that can be of some use to you.

Alicia:

If it's because what we're saying frightens you we can stop anytime.

Alyssa:

(sarcastically) Wouldn't that be a pity?

Alicia:

We're trying to help you because we're your friends.

Alyssa:

Being your friend and knowing you as well as I do I have to ask what's in it for you?

Alicia:

(outraged) So I'm not telling you this five years from now after some asshole has used you and more than likely knocked you up! Now do you want to hear this shit or not?

Alyssa:

All right. Yes, please continue.

Alicia:

Where was I?

Alyssa:

I was divorced and moping while he's already got someone else.

Alicia:

Right, ok.

Alyssa:

Why is it he's already found someone else and I haven't?

Patricia:

(amazed) Have you never noticed how easy it is for guys to find a woman to date?

Alicia:

We are a disposable commodity. (Pointing to A and B) You see those two guys over there? They could have any girl in this room right now. All they would have to do is tell any woman here that they want to have sex with them and that's all it would take. Guys should be picky because they could have any girl. Women, on the other hand, are

constantly faced with rejection. If I was to walk over right now and tell either one of those guys I wanted to fuck them I'd get slapped across the face.

Alyssa:

Telling them like that and I wouldn't be surprised.

Alicia:

Ok! You go over there and tell one of them you want to (said mockingly) 'make love' to them and see what happens.

Patricia:

They may not slap you but you sure wouldn't be getting anywhere with them.

Alicia:

Then they tell all their friends about it and the next thing you know you're on everyone's shit list. If one of the guys came over and asked one of us, even if we turned them down and told everyone about it you know what would happen?

Patricia:

A few guys would say that he's slutty but he'd have so many horny girls around him it wouldn't matter anyway.

Alicia:

Plus most guys don't even like hanging around other guys to start with. I'm surprised to see two of them arriving together! Makes me wish I had a camera to preserve it for scientific study.

Patricia:

(to Alyssa) And why do you think men don't like spending time with other men?

Alicia:

They don't like competition in women's attention.

Alyssa:

I've always thought that it was a territorial thing.

Alicia:

That's true too. Really there are lots of reasons when you think about it. Some are afraid they'll meet someone they like and another guy will come along and turn his head.

Patricia:

Most just don't like other guys period.

Alyssa:

When guys don't even want to hang around other guys it really makes finding someone seem that much more a daunting task.

Patricia:

You shouldn't forget about the fact that a guy will find you when you least expect it.

Alyssa:

(to Alicia) Ok. You're telling me all this but you've never had a serious relationship in your life. (With skepticism) How credible is all this stuff you're telling me?

Alicia:

You shouldn't take any of this as fact; it's only my opinion. The reason I treat men like I do is because I don't like feeling disposable. When I tried treating men the way I thought they wanted to be treated I got nowhere. Guys don't want to be treated like kings they want to be treated like everyone else. For me personally, I just don't like the fact that men have at least a few girls floating around at all times that they're dating, or just sleeping with, or in a relationship with. I don't like the suitor system so I stay out of it. Just give me a guy who'll lay there and be quiet while I get off and that's all I want or need.

Patricia:

Everyone would like to find that perfect someone. (He looks to Alicia) Well, maybe not everyone. But almost everyone would gladly welcome a love-at-first-sight experience with someone and spend the rest of their lives together. But in reality that shit just doesn't happen for everyone. If you keep waiting for perfection you'll be waiting forever because if you find someone who returns that awe-inspiring love you have for them you'll be one in a thousand.

Alicia:

If not luckier. I place it more like one in a million. Maybe even one in impossible.

Patricia:

The reason so many artists write and paint and sculpt about love is because of its rarity. Love is always a nearly unobtainable enterprise. If it happened as often as they make you think it does on TV the world wouldn't be as shitty of a place as it is.

Alicia:

When you watch movies and TV where the girl always gets the guy in the end it's just because Hollywood will bastardize anything.

Patricia:

Especially an idea as uplifting and sought-after as love.

Alyssa:

(as if quoting what he already knows) It's the whole concept of escapism at work.

(Conversation shifts to Lewis and Matt. Lewis begins in mid-sentence.)

Lewis:

...last week when Gwen and I were at the mall.

Matt:

That's where you saw Billy with Erin?

Lewis:

If they aren't dating they're really close friends. You may still have a shot with her though.

Matt:

Erin's ok but I gave up on the whole kissing cousins hope with male/female relationships. If it looked like they were dating they were.

Lewis:

Sorry Matt.

Matt:

It's really ok. Erin's not worth losing any sleep over she's just cute. It's no big whoop. You asked whom I'd like to be dating; you didn't ask who I'd like to be dating that's single.

Lewis:

Touché.

Matt:

You saw them at the mall?

Lewis:

Yeah. I was over there buying a new pair of sunglasses.

Matt:

You're such a sunglasses fiend. (In slight mockery) How many pairs do you have now?

Lewis:

(defensively) I only have a few I just keep breaking or losing them. Plus Gwen needed to go there to pick up a CD she couldn't find anywhere else so we killed two birds with one stone.

Matt:

(with an accusatory tone) So you went to the mall with her?

Lewis:

(smiling as though she doesn't mean to or doesn't know that she is) It's not like that!

Matt:

(jokingly patronizing) I don't know the mall's a pretty big step.

Lewis:

(playfully) Stop!

Matt:

Did you guys do anything else while you were there?

Lewis:

We watched a movie.

Matt:

(laced with innuendo) Watched a movie huh? Is that what the kids are calling it these days?

Lewis:

We caught a matinee.

Matt:

Who paid?

Lewis:

She did. (Stopping Matt before he can make more accusations) But only because I was using a credit cart and a line was forming. I was looking through my pockets for my card and I couldn't find it right away and it was taking too long and the person in the little booth was getting angry and Gwen had a big bill so she paid.

Matt:

Did you two eat afterward?

Lewis:

Yes.

Matt:

In the mall?

Lewis:

The food court.

Matt:

Ok. You're somewhat excused. If you went somewhere else to eat that would've been all the evidence I would need.

Lewis:

I told you; Gwen and I are just friends.

Matt:

You wouldn't want it to be more?

Lewis:

I've thought about it but we're such good friends. I wouldn't want to mess that up, you know?

Matt:

Have you ever thought that that quality in a girl is a good thing to look for in a significant other?

Lewis:

If I looked at it like that I'd never have any friends who are women.

Matt:

Besides this Gwen girl how many women stay friends with you more than a few months?

Lewis:

There's a few.

Matt:

Let me tell you a story. You know my parents are still together right?

Lewis:

Right.

Matt:

And you know they totally shouldn't be. All they ever do is argue and deep down I think they really hate each other.

Lewis:

That's not true. They just have their rough patches like everyone else.

Matt:

For a while I thought they were trying to stay together for my sake since my older sisters have already moved out but at this point I think they're too afraid to try it on their own again.

Lewis:

That's a scary concept to think about.

Matt:

Isn't it though? Anyway, over the last decade or so my dad has gotten looser with what he'll talk to me about with his past.

Lewis:

Such as?

Matt:

Ex-girlfriends, booze, parties, stuff that most parents refuse to talk to their kids about and try like hell to never let them find out.

Lewis:

Oh.

Matt:

From time to time he'll tell me about this girl named Kathy. Apparently the two of them were really close when they were about our age. (in a listing fashion) They hung out together, went to movies, go over to people's houses together; they were friends. The whole time they were hanging out neither of them were in a serious relationship. They'd date people from time to time and sleep with people here and there but nothing ever serious.

Lewis:

Like they were waiting for each other?

Matt:

Sort of but without knowing it. But then my mom comes along and dad becomes smitten with her. Next thing you know he and Kathy are spending less and less time together. Mom and dad dated for a while and she got pregnant so they go married. By then dad had stopped talking to Kathy completely.

Lewis:

(tiredly) What's the moral of this story supposed to be?

Matt:

If you've got a thing for this Gwen girl you should make it happen. Do you really want to be like my dad and pine away for someone the rest of your life because you didn't take a chance?

Lewis:

(a little too happy that he has an argument against Matt's logic) Ok, what if your dad stuck with Kathy and made something happen that ended up just as bad or worse than what happened with you mom?

Matt:

Then at least he would've known for sure and he wouldn't have spent the last 30 years thinking about it. Either way he doesn't talk to her anymore and has no idea what her life is like now or even where she's at.

Lewis:

But if he started seeing this Kathy woman then he wouldn't have hooked up with your mom.

Matt:

We'll never know that for sure. And you have to think of the possibility that maybe that wouldn't have been such a bad thing.

Lewis:

If your parents hadn't met would you have even been born?

Matt:

That's beside the point. Whether I was born or not has nothing to do with the fact that my dad wishes on a daily basis his life had turned out differently and he believes that the turning point had to do with the fact that he didn't hook up with a woman he thought the world of simply because he thought he'd ruin a good friendship that was ruined anyway over time. I'm glad I was born and everything and I know dad doesn't blame me or my sisters for messing up his life but I know that if he had it to do over again he would've risked losing a friend and gotten together with Kathy.

Lewis:

(stated with no joy to the fact that he has an argument this time) What if having someone to pine for is something we'll always need?

Matt:

(thinks for a moment) Elaborate.

Lewis:

Growing up my parents had lots of parties. Once I got older they became more relaxed about me staying up for a while to talk to everyone. When they got a few drinks in them their tongue would get loosened up pretty well. At one point or another a lot of them would tell me about the one they wished they'd ended up with.

Matt:

(surprised) With their spouse around?

Lewis:

Once or twice. Once this couple was at my parent's party and the husband kept talking about this woman named Charlotte. His wife got so pissed they had it out in front of everybody.

Matt:

Wow.

Lewis:

Six months later they were divorced.

Matt:

I'm sure they had other problems.

Lewis:

I'm sure they did too but my point is a lot of people have a person like that in their lives. What if this is some sort of instinctual need that people have? Maybe anytime we find ourselves the least little bit unhappy with our lot we need someone to daydream about that we think would have given us a better life whether they really would have or not. Whether you'll admit it or not idealism is a big part of our love lives. I mean what if you take the chance and hook up with a woman you feel that way about and you're still unhappy but have no one to pine for? Then you'll really be screwed.

Matt:

Even if you're right I'll take my chances. It's sad that me being the pessimistic opposite to your optimistic nature that I'm the one who'll take the chance hoping things would turn out well. That's what you're forgetting; if it works out and the woman is the right one for you then you won't need someone to pine for, you'll already be happy with what you've got.

Lewis:

You're telling me all these things but you neglect to mention that they're coming from a guy that has a different girlfriend every time I talk to him.

Matt:

Oh I'm not that bad.

Lewis:

What's the longest you've ever dated a girl for?

Matt:

There was Courtney who I was seeing for about eight months.

Lewis:

Name another.

Matt:

Past that the longest would be about two months.

Lewis:

Why do you think that is?

Matt:

Because girls are only interested in sex and once they've gotten laid they get boring. They stop trying to impress you and don't care as much about showing you a good time or making you happy. They already got the only thing they wanted so the only thing they have to lose is not sleeping with you again.

Lewis:

Not all girls are like that Matt.

Matt:

Even the ones that say they aren't still become dull after the first time. Whether women know it or not it's all a game of discovering the unknown.

Lewis:

I still think you've just been dating the wrong women.

Matt:

Most of the girls I date never even call me again after the first date.

Lewis:

Does the first date usually end in sex?

Matt:

Sometimes.

Lewis:

If you sleep with a woman on the first date then you kind of make it a conquest for them. Then they get the idea that you're easy and no woman wants a guy that's easy.

(Shifts back over to the women)

Alyssa:

You never called her back?

Alicia:

Hell no! Who wants to try to start anything with a slut?

Patricia:

(referring to Matt) That guy over there has to be like that.

Alyssa:

Like what?

Patricia:

Take him out to dinner, show him a good time, a few drinks to loosen him up and its high hard-one time.

Alicia:

If a guy puts out on the first date you have to think to yourself, 'how many girls have had the one-date wonder?'. I know I don't want a whore for a boyfriend! What happens if you get in an argument with him? He storms out and you spend the next few hours wondering if he's out there with some other girl riding him raw. Not for me. A guy puts out on the first date I'll lay him but I won't make a habit of it.

Patricia:

I'd do it just to say I did.

Alicia:

Exactly, add him to the list and move on.

Patricia:

There's a reason the old adage goes 'don't marry a guy who puts out on the first date'.

Alicia:

Guys who get around too much have too high of a sex drive. Tell him you're watching something on TV or that you've got to be someplace and the next thing you know he's calling up a fuck buddy. Don't get me wrong, I like sex and like it a lot but sometimes I just don't have the time.

Alyssa:

I've always got time for sex.

Patricia:

That's because you don't get laid enough. If you get a boyfriend for once you'll know what we're talking about.

Alyssa:

(defensively) I've had boyfriends before!

Alicia:

High school doesn't count.

Patricia:

We're talking about having a real boyfriend. Relationships don't count until you've had a few.

Alicia:

Unless you're one of those people that get married at 18.

Patricia:

Man I feel sorry for those fools.

Alyssa:

I think it would be great finding someone to love that young. You save yourself a lot of trouble by not having to date. I've met very few people who actually enjoy dating. Every time I go on a date it feels like a job interview. Dating seems more like a chore at this point. Something I have to do to feel like a functional member of society.

Patricia:

Dating does suck but I still couldn't marry someone that young. When I was 18 sure I felt like I knew all there was to know but a year out of high school and I realized how full of shit I was to think that.

Alicia:

The people that get married that young are also the ones that are divorced in five years. Then they're all jaded toward the opposite sex and dating is even worse. It's the small-minded mentality that makes people think that the person they're with by that point is the best they'll ever get. You have to remember that it is possible to love more than one person.

Patricia:

Fear has a lot to do with it too. It's like if they don't jump headfirst into marriage they'll be alone forever.

Alyssa:

(with self-deprecation) That sounds a bit too familiar.

Patricia:

Don't be so down on yourself all the time Alyssa. You wonder why you never meet anyone you like it's because deep down you dislike yourself.

Alicia:

If you don't love yourself no one else will ever love you.

Alyssa:

At this point I consider love to be rooted in tolerance. If you find someone you can put up with then you must love them.

Patricia:

Like measuring a guy's good qualities by if you can stand his bad ones?

Alyssa:

Something like that.

Patricia:

Hey Alyssa?

Alyssa:

Yeah?

Patricia:

You're full of shit.

Alyssa:

(with defeat in her voice) Thanks.

Patricia:

See?! You won't even stick up for yourself.

Alicia:

The biggest turn on for a guy is confidence. Alyssa, you don't seem to have too much of that.

Patricia:

(in agreement with a previous statement) Maybe you should start courting fat boys.

Alyssa:

It'd be easier than dealing with these young guys my own age. I can't stand how girls just trip over their tits to talk to some guys. As long as a guy has a pretty face he's got a free ride through life.

Alicia:

You're just pissed because good-looking guys won't return your calls.

Alyssa:

Getting too much attention from women goes straight to a guy's head. Next thing you know they think they're hot shit and can pick and choose whom they talk to and whom they don't. I've had guy friends in the past that don't give two shits about me unless I've got something they want. If they want sex they call as long as I seem interested or as long as they're interested. Once they stop wanting sex that's the last I hear from them. It's the same thing with drugs. If I can get my hands on something that they can't we're the best of friends. But as soon as they get a connection for it we might as well be strangers. I spend most of my time anticipating the day that their looks start to go and their dick starts sagging in hopes that I'm still around so I can be the one to not answer my phone when they call.

Patricia:

Alyssa, this is something that has existed since the dawn of time. You can either bitch about it until your ears bleed or you can accept it and try to use it to your advantage.

Alicia:

Good example: I started seeing a guy like that. He was über extroverted and incredibly hot. (Makes hand motions while animatedly describing features) Great body, pretty in the face, big rack, he had it all. He could have any girl he wanted and knew it so he was vain about it. This is what I did: I treated him like shit.

Patricia:

You treated him like shit?

Alicia:

I didn't treat him really shitty, just shitty enough. That's the trick to it. You have to find the line of abuse they are willing to take and dance on it. If he called I wouldn't answer the phone and usually wouldn't call until the next day. When we had sex I'd call him the next day but that's kind of mandatory. Besides that if I wasn't returning a call I didn't call. I'd take him out but not nearly as much as I normally would when seeing someone and not to the nicer places I usually take men. I was a little more selfish in bed than usual. Stuff like that.

(Matt opens a cell phone as if answering a call)

Alyssa:

And this worked?

Alicia:

Think about it. Guys, most guys anyway, look for women who do something for them that other women don't do. You're got to stand out for a boy to take notice. This was a guy I was around on a regular basis because of mutual acquaintances so I acted like I wasn't interested whenever I saw him. He was so used to women drooling over him that he got confused and he became interested. Then there was the dating process. He was used to women falling completely in love with him so I acted as though he meant nothing to me. As long as he thought that I didn't care if he stayed or went he stayed. He probably got it in his head that at some point he did something wrong himself and was constantly trying to make up for it when in reality I just didn't give a damn about him. It was the fact that I didn't care about him that made him try harder and harder to make me care. All I did was treat him like other women didn't.

Alyssa:

So what happened?

Alicia:

Eventually I got tired of him and stopped calling back. I'm sure it bothered him a little but when you're constantly turning women down because you have so many to choose from in the end I'm sure he did ok for himself. Last I heard he was seeing someone else like guys always do. Men don't mope around like women do when someone wrongs them; they go on to the next woman and call it good.

Patricia:

You ended it without feeling the least bit of guilt?

Alicia:

If it had been a book-wormy guy that never dated and fell in love with me I would've felt bad but this guy had women blowing up his phone on a daily basis. He may have felt bad for a week but I know he didn't feel bad for long.

Patricia:

When I've been seeing a guy I like and things don't work out I miss them until I start seeing someone else.

Alicia:

Men are the same way. Most men don't go as long without finding someone else they like though.

Alyssa:

You got an amazing looking guy by treating him like shit?

Alicia:

Not by treating him like shit, by treating him the opposite of the way he was used to women treating him. If a guy's been fucked over or never has any women asking them out then you treat them like a king. It's all about giving them the exact opposite of what they're used to.

(Switches over to the guys)

(Matt shuts the cell phone ending the call)

Matt:

That was Rob and Sherry. They'll be here in a minute.

Lewis:

Have I ever told you how rude I think it is when people answer their cell phone while talking to someone in person?

Matt:

(nonchalantly) Yes.

Lewis:

And yet you do it to me every time that infernal contraption rings.

Matt:

I do it just to piss you off.

Lewis:

Mission accomplished. Cell phones are the death of conversation as we know it.

Matt:

Yet when you talk on a phone you're having a conversation.

Lewis:

Its two totally different things.

Matt:

Think so?

Lewis:

You'll say more to someone when you speak to them on the phone. You're more open.

Matt:

Isn't that a good thing?

Lewis:

Sometimes but not always.

Matt:

When I was seeing Gretchen she was so good over the phone. We'd talk for hours and hours which was great until we tried spending time together and we didn't have any thing left to say to one another.

Lewis:

That's a good example.

Matt:

Then there was Layla. She would open up to me in ways that a girl never had before. She'd tell me so much about her life: what she wanted to do with it, how she was going to do the things she wanted to do, she'd talk about her feelings, she'd tell the funniest jokes I've ever heard; she told me so much over the phone.

Lewis:

This was a bad thing how?

Matt:

When we were together she was a different person. She was a total closed book and barely said a word.

Lewis:

That's weird.

Matt:

That's what I said.

Lewis:

You told her that she was weird?

Matt:

When I was telling her I didn't want to see her anymore.

Lewis:

(with slight sarcasm) Good time to tell someone they need to change.

Matt:

I thought it was an act of generosity. Maybe she'll do things differently the next time.

Lewis:

That's what's wrong with always talking to someone on the phone. When the other person isn't standing there looking at you you lose a lot of inhibitions. It's easier not to try to say the right thing when you are unable to see the look on their face if you say the wrong thing.

Matt:

I still don't buy into your cell phone thing. Before cell phones it was beepers. Before beepers it was email. Before email landlines. Before land lines letters. Before letters paintings of buffalo on a wall. People have been avoiding talking to others in person since time began. It's only going to get worse so get used to it.

Lewis:

You're missing my point.

Matt:

Which is?

Lewis:

When you're having a conversation with someone and stop to answer your phone it makes them feel like you don't want to be talking with them.

Matt:

Isn't that the case? (Begins smiling innocently)

Lewis:

(with total stoicism) Ha ha asshole.

Matt:

(semi-apologetically) I'm messing with you! C'mon lighten up. We're here to partae! (Gyrates hips bumping into A's hips while holding arms over his head to simulate dancing while missing the mark terribly)

(Rob and Sherry enter from left approaching Lewis and Matt. Rob speaks with an extremely effeminate voice while Sherry talks with the normal husky tone. Sherry is dressed casually while Rob is dressed in a manner much like Matt's except Rob took an extra hour getting himself ready.)

Rob:

Hey guys!

Matt:

Hey Rob, Sherry. How are you?

Rob:

Running behind. It took us sooo long to get ready I thought we weren't going to make it at all!

Sherry:

It took you so long to get ready.

Rob:

Did you want me to come out here looking like shit? Don't you know I take that long to look good for you? Do you want to come here with every girl in the place thinking you have low self-esteem because you're dating a hag?

Sherry:

You're doing stuff like that for me. Haven't heard that one before.

Matt:

(whispering to Lewis) Something tells me things have been rocky.

Lewis:

(whispering to Matt) Something tells me you may be right.

Rob:

(Still to Sherry) Are you still mad about earlier?! I told you I was giving that girl my number because I have a class with her and I need someone to tutor me. She's a genius and I'm not too ashamed to take advantage of that.

Sherry:

Whatever Rob, let's drop it ok?

Rob:

You brought it up! Now you want me to drop it?

Sherry:

(to Lewis and Matt) How's the party so far?

Lewis:

It's pretty lame. Fun bag fest.

Sherry:

Oh.

Rob:

And why is it that you can talk to any guy anywhere but the second I do it I get accused of flirtations?

Sherry:

These are your friends Rob!

Matt:

(whispers to Lewis) Says who?

Rob:

That's not the point. I see you talking to guys I've never met before all the time. Have I ever once gotten jealous over it?

Sherry:

Yes.

Rob:

(shocked) When?!

Sherry:

Last week. I was talking to Randy at the café I was meeting you at for lunch. You came in and made a huge scene in front of everyone there and then stormed out the door.

Rob:

You didn't even come after me! Some girlfriend you are.

Sherry:

I didn't come after you because I'm so used to that behavior at this point I'm sick of the headache. If I came after you this is what would've happened: I would've found you stomping down the street in tears, I would've explained that Randy has been seeing my friend Carla for over a year now and that I've known him since before I'd even met you, you would've cried some more embarrassing me to even more people, then you would've forgiven me. I'll tell you it wasn't even worth the makeup sex for me to go through all that grief for the umpteenth time.

Rob:

I can't believe you're saying things like that in front of my friends!

Sherry:

If they're your fiends they know you well enough to know that isn't out of character for you. In fact, if this is the first time they've had to witness a discussion like this between you and some guy I'd be utterly shocked.

Rob:

(turns to Lewis and Matt for support)

Matt:

Don't even get us mixed up in this.

Sherry:

Rob, you are the most self-centered person I have ever met in my life. No one is important to you unless they are less than ten feet away from you. The only way you ever talk to people is if they initiate the meeting themselves. I don't know anyone that has been in your life for more than six months except for me and that's probably because we live together. When you treat everyone like they don't matter they'll detest being around you. That's why you don't have friends, that's why the only people that ever talk to you are women looking for dick. As a person you're terrible so all you are to everyone around you is a cock. Does it feel good to be thought of as nothing but a piece of ass?

Rob:

(looks as if almost in tears but then composes himself) I don't have to stand here and take this. I'm going to go find some people who'll appreciate me for who I am.

(Rob walks over to the women and begins silently speaking to them like nothing happened)

Sherry:

That guy is a piece of work.

Matt:

(reprimanding) Little rough on him weren't you Sherry?

Sherry:

Did I say anything that wasn't true?

Lewis:

No.

Matt:

But you still didn't have to tell her.

Sherry:

Should I have kept my mouth shut? Or maybe I should've lied? I don't lie to people. You can hurt someone a lot more by telling them the truth. The more you want to hurt someone the more truth you tell them.

Matt:

He is our friend you know.

Sherry:

(knowingly) Really?

Lewis:

Well...

Sherry:

You guys don't have to hold back. I knew him for a while even before we got together. Most people can't stand him and the one's that do like him end up crossing him somehow along the way and get put on his shit list.

Lewis:

I'll give him that. He does know how to hold a grudge.

Sherry:

And what's that gotten him? He gets so lonely he flirts with women just so they'll talk to him. Before I started seeing him the first thing I noticed was that he always kept himself surrounded by women. I know for a fact that he slept around a bit before we got together which, of course, was ammunition I eventually used in an argument we had. I pressed the issue and he finally told me that he didn't really want to sleep with most of the women he's slept with but he wouldn't say no because he just wanted to have someone to keep him company and was willing to do whatever they wanted to to get it.

Matt:

That's like the guys that have sex with a lot of women because they won't say no period.

Lewis:

How much fun can it be for a girl to have sex with a man who isn't into it?

Sherry:

Most women aren't that particular Lewis.

Matt:

When I was younger I was like that. Not real bad like some guys but I found myself only hanging around women I wouldn't mind sleeping with because I knew I wouldn't say no if they made a move. It's one of those 'I'm afraid they won't like me' sort of things.

Sherry:

I'll tell you I'm so tired of Rob I dread going home everyday. I keep thinking I'll get home and he'll be fucking someone in our bed.

Matt:

Do you really think he's cheating on you?

Sherry:

I wouldn't put it past him.

Matt:

If he is cheating on you you'd never know it. That's why I always tell girls that they shouldn't be afraid their boyfriends are cheating on them. If Rob wanted to cheat on you he would. Constant jealousy and mistrust will only make him cheat because he figures if he's going to be accused and blamed all the time he'll do something to be accused and blamed of.

Sherry:

That doesn't make me feel any better Matt.

Matt:

I didn't say it would. Just something to think about.

(Rob and the women laugh loudly enough to draw the attention of Lewis, Matt and Sherry)

Sherry:

I get the feeling sometimes that the only reason Rob wants me to take him anywhere is so he doesn't have to go anywhere alone to meet girls. I feel more like his escort than his girlfriend.

Lewis:

If it's that bad why not end it? I'm sure you could find someplace to stay and somebody new.

Sherry:

I stay because I still care about him. I was foolish enough to love him and now I feel stuck in this mess. Every time I think about leaving him I think about what it'll be like without him or I think about what it'll be like when he starts seeing someone else. I know he'd find someone before me and I know how bad I'll feel because of it. I mean look; (points to Rob and the women) he could have any one of those women if he wanted them. Any place he goes it'd be the same. He's pretty and doesn't mind saying hello to someone so he'll always have someone.

Lewis:

So you stay because you love him?

Sherry:

(grudgingly) Yeah but soon enough Rob'll realize that when you love someone it's that much easier to hate them. That's why they always say you only hurt the ones you love. Everybody else in the world doesn't give enough of a shit about you to let it bother them. The ones you love are the only ones you can hurt and everybody gets hurt sometime.

Matt:

If it's gotten this bad between the two of you I'm sure he wouldn't be surprised if you broke up with him. Why not go ahead and get it over with?

Lewis:

Matt's right you know. The quicker you do it the quicker the both of you can move on.

Sherry:

Every time I think it'll never get better things start going well again. It's like I'm miserable for weeks but when I'm ready to finally call it quits we'll start getting along again. We have one good week and it makes me think all's well again but then I pay for it with another month of hell.

Lewis:

I guess the question you should be asking yourself is whether or not a good week is worth a bad month.

Matt:

Sherry, you realize that for most couples it's the other way around don't you? Everybody has arguments. If two people didn't fight every once in a while then something would be seriously wrong with both of them. But when you're unhappy a lot more then you're happy it's time for someone new.

Lewis:

After you break up with Rob you will feel like you made a mistake at first but as soon as you find someone else you'll look back and realize how truly unhappy you were and how it was the right decision to end things with Rob.

Sherry:

You guys are probably right. I should go ahead and do it but something tells me it'll go on at least a little longer until I finally can't take it anymore.

Lewis:

Why do you think he doesn't break up with you?

Sherry:

The only thing I can figure is that he's too stubborn to admit to himself that the relationship has failed. At this point it feels like he's doing shit to piss me off so I'll go ahead and end it.

Matt:

Or maybe he's just afraid of being alone and he knows if he pushes you far enough you'll make the decision for him. Some guys need that push out of the airplane because they can't bring themselves to jump.

Lewis:

He could sincerely love you. That'd be a pretty good reason not to end it.

Sherry:

Even if that were the case sometimes even if two people love each other they still shouldn't be together. I have a theory that he's so used to being unhappy that he doesn't know how to be happy. That sort of mentality would lead him to sabotage any chance at happiness to further perpetuate a life of misery.

Lewis:

Rob isn't happy?

Sherry:

Bad childhood. He still hasn't quite gotten over it.

Matt:

So Rob goes to great lengths to keep himself unhappy?

Sherry:

Classic self-destructive behavior. He still can't grasp the concept that he was completely not responsible for the things other people did to him when he was a kid so in a way he blames himself for allowing it to happen. It makes him feel useless and worthless not to mention inadequate and removed from the rest of us. He thinks he doesn't deserve to have a good life. Any time he starts becoming the least bit happy he short-circuits because happiness is such a foreign concept to him.

Lewis:

What happened to him to make him like that?

Sherry:

(shakes her head apologetically) Sorry, I can't talk about it. I may want to wring his neck most of the time but I'd be a monster to betray that kind of confidence.

Matt:

If you break up with him won't you be playing along with his head games and feeding these tendencies further?

Sherry:

In time Rob'll grow out of this kind of thought process. He's still a long way away but I have hope at some point he'll overcome it. I've gotten him to start seeing a therapist within the duration of our relationship, which may just be the best thing to come out of the time we've been together. However I do think we're doomed as lovers. If another woman did the things I've tried to do for him and I met him ten years from now I'm sure it'd all be different. But that's not how it happened and I'm the one that may have put her on the road to recovery. Maybe karma will hit me back sometime soon and I'll meet someone further along with solving their problems than he is. I've just met her at the wrong time of her life, which always seems to be the way it goes for me when I start seeing someone I care for.

Matt:

Or maybe you'll find someone with no problems at all. Wouldn't that be a welcome change?

Sherry:

I'm not holding my breath on that one.

Lewis:

(without belief) Was Rob's childhood really that bad?

Sherry:

It was pretty bad Lewis.

(Shifts to Rob and the women)

Rob:

Seriously, she wasn't even that close to me and her breath overpowered the smell of her B.O.! Which was no small feat mind you.

Patricia:

Sounds rough.

Rob:

It so was! Its women like that that make me not even want to leave my house unescorted. I should just hire out a bodyguard. That would be great. Someone to just kick the shit out of women every time they do something like that. This girl I knew Estelle used to go out with guys trying to find people to do that. She was one of those girls that wanted to get into fights for the hell of it but of course she never got the chance. She was pretty stocky though so I guess she scared them off.

Alicia:

Guess so.

Rob:

It sucks you never come across stuff like that when you're looking for it.

Patricia:

That's funny. We were having a conversation about not finding the things you look for earlier.

Alicia:

So who's that woman you came in with?

Rob:

(nonchalantly) Oh that's just someone I'm seeing.

Alicia:

Are you guys serious?

Rob:

We live together but she just gets on my nerves more than anything. She used to be so much fun but now I find myself pushing her buttons out of boredom. She's such a pushover it's terrible. I like it when girls stand up for themselves but the only time she ever does its for, like, 20 minutes and then she rolls right back over. (Referring to Alyssa) You don't talk much do you?

Alyssa:

Just a little shy I guess.

Alicia:

(mockingly) She feels funny about talking to boys.

Rob:

Well that's no way to be. There's a lot to be said about the strong, silent types but you look too much of the latter. You remind me of my first girlfriend Amy. She was really shy like you are and one of the only reasons I dated her in the first place was because I wanted to bring her out of her shell. I figured that if she was that quiet that she would have a lot to say since she'd been holding back for so long. But she didn't! She never talked because she really never had a thought in her head.

Alicia:

Non-entity type?

Rob:

Exactly! She had all the parts that make up a person but her personality was non-existent. I stayed with her for a while but it got to the point that I couldn't take it anymore.

Patricia:

Good in the sack?

Rob:

She was ok which was her only admirable trait. If that's all she was going to be good at she should've worked at it harder. But I met another girl and told Amy I couldn't see her anymore. I thought she'd be upset but she didn't care at all! I might've felt bad if I'd gotten any other reaction but, zip, nothing. She was such a total blank slate that it probably didn't even register to her that we were seeing each other in the first place. Who knows where she's at these days but I've always thought that one day the entirety of our relationship will sink in and then a little later the break-up will too and then maybe, just maybe, she'll feel bad about it.

Patricia:

You make it sound like you actually wanted to hurt her.

Rob:

I would rather her be hurt than to feel nothing at all! If she's that emotionally numb then maybe some anguish would bring her around. Pain is easier to feel then joy.

Alicia:

You think so?

Rob:

Sure I do. People always remember negativity. It seems to stand out a little more. Like when you go out to eat and the place is ok or even really good. You'll go back sometime and if someone asks you about the place you'll tell them you liked it. But if you go to a place and have a really bad experience you'll tell everyone you know. It becomes a topic for conversation. You critique every shortcoming and even list them in your head so when you tell someone about the place you'll be well rehearsed. If you're talking to someone and they tell you about how they went out to eat somewhere whether they had a good or a bad experience wherever they went you'll make sure to tell them about how they shouldn't go to so and so restaurant because you had a bad time there. It's in our nature to remember the bad times. They seem to stand out more than the good times.

Patricia:

(to Rob) So what are you doing tonight after the party?

(Shifts back to Lewis, Matt and Sherry)

Lewis:

Justin and Mary, there's a break-up for you.

Matt:

But they're different. It was problems in the bedroom that lead to them not being able to stand each other.

Sherry:

(with amusement) Oh really? Do tell.

Matt:

He got tired of just laying around on his back every time they had sex. Apparently Mary was lame in bed and never tried to spice things up. Justin told me that it got to the point where he was begging her to get kinky with him and she never would.

Sherry:

That's kind of surprising.

Lewis:

Why's that? What, men aren't supposed to like kinky sex?

Sherry:

Well no, some do but Justin doesn't strike me as the kind of guy who would.

Matt:

What? A man has to be a whore to like a little kinky sex every now and then?

Sherry:

(knowing she's treading dangerous waters) No! It's...well... (Stops herself and gets the words right in her head) when I think of two people having kinky sex I can only assume it was the woman's idea and she had to talk the guy into it.

Lewis:

You've never tried having sex that involves more than you being on top until you're done, is that it?

Sherry:

(defensively) Hey, I've had my share of offbeat sex before.

Matt:

Let me tell you something Sherry. Men like rougher sex than you think they do. I can't tell you how many women I've tried to get to even be a little rough with me and the girl refused to. God forbid I want a girl to tie me up or something! Talk about a daunting task!

Lewis:

I'm always afraid to ask a girl to do stuff like that because I'm afraid they'll think I'm a slut for it. Girls have to deal with fear of rejection from men when they hit on them or ask them out but do you know how scary it can be to fear rejection from someone you're already with?

Matt:

A lot more men get into sex that involves more than just lying there while the girl gets off than you might think Sherry. I'm not saying that the next time you sleep with Rob or whoever that you should slap them across the face without warning but you've got to spice it up a bit for sex to stay exciting for your partner.

Lewis:

One of the great parts about Linda was how open-minded she was about trying new stuff in bed. She made me comfortable enough about my sexuality that I wouldn't hold back about the things I wanted to try. Not only that but she also had things that she liked doing and wanted to try new things as well.

Sherry:

I have been wanting to try a more adventurous approach to sex.

Matt:

Always remember that every man wants to feel like a dirty boy from time to time.

(Lewis and Matt giggle at this remark)

(Patricia, Alicia, Alyssa and Rob approach Lewis, Matt and Sherry)

Rob:

Hey guys! Meet my new friends: (animatedly introduces them) this is Patricia, Alicia and Alyssa. Patricia, Alicia and Alyssa: this is Lewis, Matt and Sherry.

(All exchange greetings)

Rob:

What have you three been talking about in my absence?

Sherry:

They were just filling me in on a little guy talk, that's all. How about you?

Rob:

Oh just spreading gossip and what not. I did however discover that Patricia here and I have a mutual friend. Do you remember Samantha?

Sherry:

The Samantha that was supposed to have had sex with that fat guy from the café?

(Lewis and Matt laugh)

Lewis:

No that's Sally.

Sherry:

Oh right! But Samantha, she's the really smart one that got pregnant and lives in a ghetto somewhere?

Rob:

No dummy! That is a Samantha but the Samantha I'm talking about is the hippy girl.

Sherry:

Oh, the Sam that always smells like patchouli and swears she's naming her first-born Endocrine.

Rob:

(shakes his head and rolls his eyes) Yeah what a poser. Anyway, yeah, we both know her. Small world huh?

Sherry:

Getting smaller everyday.

Rob:

Well it's been a while since I've seen Sam so we were both going to run over there and visit her.

Sherry:

You know she's still out of town don't you?

Rob:

(thinks for a second) No, she got back (pause) yesterday I think?

Sherry:

No she didn't. My friend Ellen is Sam's boyfriend's best friend. Ellen talked to Keith yesterday and he said they wouldn't be back for two more weeks.

Rob:

When did you talk to Ellen?

Sherry:

This morning.

Rob:

Well Patricia and I are still going to go over there. If Sam really isn't there we can talk to her roommate Shawna.

Sherry:

So you guys are leaving then?

Rob:

Yeah we're going to run over there for a while.

Sherry:

(knowingly) Uh-huh. (Walks over to Patricia and gets in her face) Little advice? Take him to your place. If I get home and you two are fucking in my bed you'll be picking up your teeth with broken fingers.

Patricia:

(threateningly) Is that right?

Rob:

Sherry you're such an asshole! Can't I even have friends?!

Sherry:

You can have "your friends" three at a time for all I care. This is it Rob. No bitching, no fighting, no discussions or 'I'll changes' or 'you're wrongs'. I'm packing up your stuff tonight and you can come get it tomorrow.

Rob:

You're breaking up with me?!

Sherry:

Not only that but I'm kicking your ass out of my apartment.

Rob:

It's my apartment too you know!

Sherry:

The lease is in my name, all the furniture is mine, the only thing you have there is makeup, dirty clothes and books. Oh and that dog that shits all over everything. You moved in straight out of your mom's place, remember? No, it's my place and you aren't living there any longer.

Rob:

Where am I supposed to go?!

Sherry:

(referring to Patricia) Maybe lover girl here can put you up. (To Patricia) Weren't expecting a live-in boyfriend when you were shooting for a quick cock were you?

Rob:

Come on Patricia. (They begin to exit left) I'm letting you sleep on it. Tomorrow it'll be different because (condescendingly) tonight you're just showing off to prove you're a big, bad woman.

Sherry:

Come get your shit tomorrow Rob. The locks will be changed by the time you get there.

Rob:

(stomps off-stage with Patricia)

Sherry:

(to Alicia and Alyssa) I bet you guys trust her around your boyfriends huh? I wouldn't recommend keeping that one around when you get married. Husbands can have a way of screwing your best friend simply because they're there.

Alicia:

Hey, we didn't take your guy home so don't give us shit for it.

Sherry:

(stares at Alicia menacingly)

Lewis:

Are you ok Sherry?

Sherry:

(snapping back out of the stare) Yeah I'm fine.

Matt:

What are you going to do?

Sherry:

I think I'm going to Erica's party. I need to get loaded (looking at Alicia and Alyssa) and I don't like the way this place smells any longer.

Lewis:

Do you think it's such a hot idea to start drinking?

Sherry:

Really A I'm fine. Like I said this has been a long time coming so I'm going to get drunk and go home to pack up that bitch's stuff.

Lewis:

You've got my number don't you?

Sherry:

Yeah I think so.

Lewis:

(genuinely) Well if you need something just call, ok?

Sherry:

That's cool. Thanks Lewis. (To Lewis and Matt) I'll catch you two later.

Lewis:

Be careful Sherry.

Matt:

See you around Sher.

(Sherry exits left)

Alicia:

Your friend seems pretty worked up.

Matt:

(angrily) How would you like it if your boyfriend basically introduced you to the girl he's going to fuck later?

Alicia:

Hey hey! Chill out. We had nothing to do with what just happened. That guy just came over and the next thing you know they're leaving together. I was hoping we'd get a chance alone with Patricia to tell her that she didn't need to be getting mixed up in a bad situation. (Amazed) I couldn't believe that guy introduced Patricia to his girlfriend! I mean, sometimes a guy cheats but there must be some serious issues if he doesn't care about throwing it in a girl's face.

Matt:

They've been having problems for a while but that still doesn't excuse your friend's actions. How could she leave with Rob?!

Alicia:

Patricia is responsible for her own actions. Don't let your opinion of her reflect on us.

Matt:

If you weren't like her you wouldn't be friends with her.

Alicia:

We're actually not close friends. I barely know the girl myself.

(Alicia looks at Alyssa to cue is involvement in convincing)

Alyssa:

O...no, I don't know her that well either.

Matt:

(looking at them disapprovingly) Why is it my bullshit radar keeps going off?

Alicia:

Believe us if you want to but Patricia is an acquaintance of mine and nothing else. I don't approve of her sex life or her involvements but to each their own.

Matt:

How do you guys know Amanda?

Alyssa:

My sister and her are really tight. They go way back so I've been talking to her since I was a kid. She called this morning and told me she was having a party tonight and thought it'd be good to get out of my place and do something.

Alicia:

I'm surprised you spoke with her at all with what little talking you do.

Matt:

(to Alicia) Not everyone has to run off at the mouth all the time. Talking to you makes her silence refreshing.

Alicia:

That's a sharp tongue you have there. You keep talking to us like that and we don't even know your names.

Matt:

Don't flatter yourself.

Lewis:

I'm Lewis.

(Lewis earns a sinister glare from Matt)

Alicia:

It's nice to meet you Lewis. I'm Alicia and she's Alyssa.

Alyssa:

Hi.

Lewis:

How long have you two known each other?

Matt:

Why are you even talking to these assholes?

Lewis:

Oh come off it Matt. We've been here for how long and these are the only decent, new people we've talked to. Will you at least give them a chance to prove they aren't like that Patricia girl? You act so mistrusting and jaded all the time, wouldn't it be nice to prove yourself wrong just once?

Matt:

I'll tell you what. You talk to them while I run to the bathroom. When I get out I'm driving home with or without you.

Lewis:

You don't want me to come with you?

Matt:

No.

(Matt storms off stage right)

Alicia:

Little tightly wound isn't he?

Lewis:

He's had women cheat on him before so he takes it personally anytime he's near someone else who's going through it. Matt was seeing this girl, Meredith, once and he fell for her big time right away. Turns out she was one of those girls that is a complete nympho and has like three boyfriends at once.

Alicia:

Oh, that sucks. Ever had to go through a cheating significant other?

Lewis:

Oh no. I was with Linda for a few years and a far as I know she never did anything like that.

Alicia:

You're not with Linda anymore?

Lewis:

No, we broke up a few months ago.

Alicia:

I'm sorry to hear that.

Lewis:

It's ok. Really.

Alicia:

Are you seeing anyone seriously yet?

Lewis:

Not yet. Honestly most of the girls I meet I don't have that much in common with.

Alicia:

That's surprising.

Lewis:

That I haven't met someone I like?

Alicia:

A pretty guy like you, I'd think you have women all over you.

Lewis:

Only the bad ones.

Alicia:

What's so bad about them?

Lewis:

Every time I meet a girl that seems ok she calls me a few times and either I find out she's just looking to have sex or she stops calling after a while. I'm starting to think there's something wrong with me because I don't put out to every girl who says hello. Of course if I did start sleeping around a little bit more then everyone would think I'm a whore. Girls can get away with it and even earn the respect of their peers for it.

Alicia:

There are lots of reasons for that but men in general don't help in getting rid of it.

Lewis:

Of what?

Alicia:

The double standard. You think girls that have confidence are attractive right? It's a quality you look for?

Lewis:

Well yeah.

Alicia:

And to make a girl prove she has confidence you make her approach you placing her in a situation that's pretty much sink or swim.

Lewis:

I don't approach women if that's what you mean.

Alicia:

Most girls that approach you sink don't they?

Lewis:

Most of the girls that approach me are dead in the water.

Alicia:

You admit that you turn down more women than you say yes to and you wonder why women think it's an achievement to pick up lots of men?

Lewis:

I guess I've never thought of it that way before.

Alyssa:

(to Alicia) Hey, I've got to take a squat. I'll be back.

Alicia:

(dismissively) All right.

(Alyssa exits left)

Alicia:

But you should keep in mind that the women who view sex as a conquest are still bitches. They may be more justified in their outlook then you give them credit for but that still doesn't mean they should equate sex with winning the big game.

Lewis:

(smiles) You sounded like Linda when you said that. She used to always say things like that.

Alicia:

What, she hated sports too?

(Both laugh)

Lewis:

No. She just always had such a unique outlook on common things.

Alicia:

I'm still so surprised you aren't seeing anyone.

Lewis:

Like I said the right girl hasn't asked me out yet. Plus I'm just now getting back to a place where I want to start finding a girlfriend again.

Alicia:

Isn't it funny how guys always decide whether they only want casual dating or a serious relationship? Most women I know, myself included, usually date everyone casually but when they meet someone they're into they decide they could go for a relationship. I guess it's because women meet men they actually like a lot less regularly then men meet women they really go for.

Lewis:

Probably has something to do with what qualities men look for in women.

Alicia:

I'd be a fool not to see what you were doing, say, Friday?

Lewis:

(self-consciously adjusts his hair and/or jewelry) I have to work until six but after that I'm free.

Alicia:

How about letting me buy you dinner?

Lewis:

Ok, yeah. That sounds great.

Alicia:

What do you have going on after this?

Lewis:

The party?

Alicia:

Yeah.

Lewis:

I guess I'm going to go home. Matt is my ride and I was going to go back to his place and smoke some pot but I really don't want to be around him now with the way he's acting.

Alicia:

Stays angry once he gets angry huh?

Lewis:

I'll be hearing it for days.

Alicia:

You should come over to my place instead. My roommate's a big stoner and he always has at least a joint or two.

Lewis:

(moderately surprised) You live with a man?

Alicia:

You know a lot of people find that hard to believe but yeah, I've got a male roommate. It's good to always be around a guy that I'm not interested in sexually. It gives me an untainted view from the male perspective. Good thing to have when you need it.

Lewis:

Ok, let's go to your place then.

(Alyssa enters from right but doesn't reach where Lewis and Alicia are talking straight away)

Alicia:

(smiling casually) All right. Let me just talk to Alyssa real quick. Do you need to talk to Matt before we go?

Lewis:

Oh no, I don't want to hear him right now.

Alicia:

I can get Alyssa to tell him for you. Hold on a sec.

(Alicia meets Alyssa and takes her further off to the side right)

Alicia:

You gotta do something for me.

Alyssa:

(gruelingly) What's that?

Alicia:

You have to find another way home.

Alyssa:

Oh man! I don't want to have to ride the bus home.

Alicia:

C'mon! This dude is all about me. He's even coming over after we get out of here and I can't take you back because he'll be riding with me. I'm hooking up so do a sister a favor huh?

Alyssa:

What about your roommate? Doesn't he hate it when you bring home men you've just met?

Alicia:

He's at his girlfriend's tonight. He probably won't even be back for a few days. It sucks because I can't hit him up for some pot but considering how pissy he'd be with me tomorrow for bringing A over I can live without the buzz. (Talking more to herself than Alyssa) I've got some liquor lying around we can drink which'll better serve my purposes anyway.

Alyssa:

Well, whatever. I'll grab a bus.

Alicia:

(jovially pats Alyssa on the back) You're a true friend! Oh and when that bitchy friend of his comes back could you tell him A will call him later?

Alyssa:

Yeah sure.

(Alicia starts to walk off but then remembers something)

Alicia:

Oh! And I can't do Friday.

Alyssa:

What! I've been looking forward to that show for months. You already have a ticket.

Alicia:

See if you can find someone else to go with you.

Alyssa:

It's less than a week away!

Alicia:

And?

Alyssa:

And nothing! How can you cancel on me like that?

Alicia:

If things don't pan out tonight I made a date with A for Friday.

Alyssa:

(disgustingly) You mean if he doesn't put out?

Alicia:

Even if he does then I'm taking him out Friday so I can hit it again.

Alyssa:

You're unbelievable!

Alicia:

Yeah yeah, sure sure.

(Walks back over to Lewis)

Alicia:

Ready to go?

Lewis:

Yeah, let's get out of here before Matt gets back.

(Alicia and Lewis exit left. After a moment Matt returns from right and looks around searchingly for Lewis)

Matt:

What happened to Lewis?

Alyssa:

He left with Alicia. Said he'd call you later.

Matt:

No shit?! What an idiot. What could he possibly be thinking getting together with her? No offense but your friend is a total asshole.

Alyssa:

Yeah, some friend. I get to ride the bus home with slobbering, drunk homeless people now because she was my ride. You know, I've known her for years now and I still can't think of a good reason I hang out with her other than the fact I'm lacking in the friend department right now. Its girls like her that make me only want to hang out with men. But I'm not really seeing anyone right now so it's kind of hard to have a man for a friend. Of course when I do start seeing someone if I take him out somewhere it's assholes like Alicia that walk up and flirt with her like I'm not even there! If there's one thing I can't stand its dating vultures. I mean really, when a guy and a woman walk into a place together and spend the entire time talking to each other is it really such a hot idea to start flirting with the guy! What does that say about a girl when she can't even respect the fact that a man is already out on a date?

Matt:

(taken aback) You know you make a lot of sense when you actually talk. Maybe you should do it more often.

Alyssa:

I've been hanging out with Alicia and Patricia for so long I've gotten tired of having my opinions trampled over. They think they know so much because they've slept with a few guys.

Matt:

Might be time you started spending more time with different people.

Alyssa:

I think you may be right.

Matt:

(thinks for a second while sizing Alyssa up) Look, I'm getting out of here. Why don't you let me give you a lift home?

Alyssa:

Oh I couldn't ask you to do that.

Matt:

(stating the obvious) Well you didn't ask me to, I offered.

Alyssa:

(sheepishly smiles) Well, all right. If you wouldn't mind.

Matt:

(smiles back) Not at all. Do you have a coffee maker?

Alyssa:

(confused) Um, no I don't.

Matt:

Then we'll have to stop for some. I've always thought it good to get to know someone over coffee. Do you live with anyone?

Alyssa:

No I've got my own place.

Matt:

Good, then we won't be disturbing anyone.

(Matt and Alyssa exit left)

THE END
Deus ex Porcus

or

How Well Sex Will Sell
1 – It Begins

(Ted sits in a chair on right reading a magazine. Ned enters from left and pauses after a few steps to look at Ted with irritated disappointment.)

Ned: What are you doing?

Ted: (looks up at Ned with irritation) Hi Ned. I'm doing fine. Thanks for asking.

Ned: We're almost broke and you're sitting on your ass.

Ted: What? I can't read a magazine now?

Ned: You're not reading a magazine you're staring at porn.

Ted: (defensively) There's captions to read.

Ned: I don't even know how those things still do anything for you. Every time I see you you have your face in one of those things or you're watching a porno movie. How the hell does it even do you any good anymore?

Ted: I up the ante. This is a tranny book. Sometimes I go bestiality.

Ned: (approaches Ted) While you've been "reading" smut I've been out doing some research.

(Ned produces a magazine from his coat and tosses it onto the floor at Ted's feet with a flat, loud landing. Ted looks back to his magazine.)

Ned: Aren't you going to pick it up?

Ted: No.

Ned: (a bit taken aback) This is the key to our fortuitousness.

Ted: And you're an asshole. When you learn to hand me the magazine like a decent person I'll learn how to fain interest in what you're saying.

(Ned scoops up the magazine gruffly.)

Ned: (shaking the magazine at him) This is the key to our future Ted.

Ted: I'm sure that it is.

Ned: This (pauses for effect) is Sauk! {pronounced sac}

Ted: That is a magazine. Which I might add is much less interesting than a man with breasts.

Ned: Within this magazine there is an article in which a Dr. Hawks speaks on a tanning method he has perfected which will revolutionize tanning as we know it.

Ted: Why do you care so much about getting a tan?

Ned: I don't give a shit about getting a tan I want to make money off all the people that like having skin that closely resembles that of our couch.

(Ted closes his magazine calmly and places it in his lap.)

Ted: And how pray tell do you intend on doing that?

Ned: By investing in Sauk!

Ted: With what money?

Ned: Glad you asked. You see, Sauk was designed to tan someone permanently within one to three sessions depending on pigmentation and the patient's own reaction to the procedure. This will make conventional tanning salons a thing of the past and will usher in a new era of dark-skinned Caucasians.

Ted: That's not what I asked.

Ned: The procedure is still in it's preliminary stages but Dr. Hawks states in his interview that he has succeeded in permanently tanning shaved lab mice.

Ted: You don't have any money to invest in this.

Ned: Sure shaven lab mice are rather susceptible to that sort of think being rather pink and all but it still sounds promising none the less and I for one would like to be on the ground floor of this new and exciting frontier of self modification.

Ted: So you need cash right?

(Ned snaps out of his daze.)

Ned: Cash?

Ted: Investing?

Ned: That's where you're wrong bucko! Dr. Hawks is well funded by oversees backers who probably don't even know what he's researching. For all they know he's pumping baboons full of stem cells so they can grow a third ass.

Ted: So what's the angle? Where do we fit in?

Ned: We?

Ted: If you wanted to do this on your own you wouldn't be telling me about it. So what are we supposed to do to make some cash off of this?

Ned: We handle the advertising of course.

Ted: Of course.

Ned: You don't need money for advertising you need ideas. With good ideas we can make Sauk a household name by using someone else's money.

Ted: But it's still in the experimental stages right? It'll take forever for it to hit the market.

Ned: That is where you are wrong. If we make the public demand high enough then it won't matter how proven the product is because once other companies get wind of the people's want then they'll start manufacturing they're own version of the procedure and Dr. Hawks and his monkey backers won't matter any longer.

Ted: That still doesn't explain how we're going to make money off of this and it doesn't explain how we're going to advertise it. Not to mention how we're going to get away with scamming everyone in site.

Ned: That is the easy part. We're going to develop a television series.

Ted: You don't even like TV.

Ned: But a lot of people do. A lot of dumb people I might add. And considering that the Sauk procedure is rather painful we are going to need that ignorance if we expect this thing to take off.

Ted: But what does TV have to do with anything?

Ned: Product placement.

Ted: Product placement?

Ned: Yes Ted. Product placement.

Ted: TV? Really?

Ned: We can get an idea and shop it around. Someone else can pay for the show and we can abandon it once we have enough money to invest in a Sauk salon or two. But considering the fact that we will be forcing it into the market early it won't take long for people to start getting seriously hurt and everyone will start going to conventional tanning salons again. So before the Sauk tide breaks we invest the profits from Sauk into buying old tanning salons that we've driven out of business and once people start returning to the old way of tanning then we'll have a franchise of shops purchased for next to nothing that will be earning a fortune.

(Ted sits dumbfounded for a moment.)

Ted: Let me say this out loud so I know I've gotten it right. You want to start a television show with someone else's money so that you can use product placement to advertise an unready and potentially hazardous cosmetic procedure, then you want to take the profits from said television show and open permanent tanning salons to make as much money as you can so you can buy normal tanning salons that you've driven out of business temporarily and then before people realize how dangerous of a thing a permanent tanning procedure is you want to reopen all the old tanning salons so when people stop getting permanently tan you can be waiting for them with dozens of cheaply purchased stores?

Ned: (thinks for a moment) It's not potentially hazardous it is hazardous. We're going to fry the hell out of these people and they'll love it. In fact, for this plan to work the procedure must be hazardous. What do you think?

Ted: (with a casual shoulder shrug) Sure.

Ned: Hey it beats staring at women with bigger penises than you.

Ted: (mildly disappointed) I guess.

Ned: Come on then we've work to do!

Ted: What's first?

Ned: Money Ted. Always money first. I read in the paper this morning that a very, very wealthy man lays on his deathbed not three miles from here. With any luck we'll get there before the in-laws start fighting over his unused medications.

(Ned and Ted begin to exit left but halfway Ted has an epiphany.)

Ted: I've got it!

Ned: What?

Ted: We'll call the show... (pauses for emphasis, stands back holding up his hands in scrolling marquee fashion and speaks the word in a glamorous manner) 'Sex'!

Ned: Just 'Sex'?

Ted: (glamorously) 'Sex'! If people see the word sex written on anything they're instinctively bound to read it. If there's other words around the word 'sex' people will feel obligated to read whatever else is around it. If 'sex' is in the name of a show people will gather together in droves to watch it.

(Ned and Ted pause and look at the audience long enough to ensure that the onlookers realize Ted is talking about them.)

Ned: 'Sex' it is then.

(Ned and Ted exit left.)

2 – An Old Man's Signature

(Ned and Ted enter from right to a fixed scene on left where an old man lies dying and his young trophy wife sits bored by his side. There stands the typical I.V. stand and heart monitor by the bed. Mrs. von Nostrümmer is already dressed in all black and a veil in preparation for the funeral.)

(Ned and Ted pause for a moment upon entering to talk amongst themselves in hushed tones.)

Ned: Ok. This is Einrich von Nostrümmer. Rumor has it he made his millions in German black market organ deals and then invested it all in a Vegas casino back in the mob days.

Ted: Von? What is he a count or something?

Ned: (dismissively) Who cares? He's got lots of money and we need to milk some of it out of him before he keels over. I spoke with the nurses outside and they said he hasn't got much longer so we must be quick about it.

Ted: (a little surprised) You talked with nurses? When?

Ned: When you were pissing.

Ted: Oh. Hey Ned?

Ned: What Ted?

Ted: I wasn't pissing.

Ned: (outraged but still in a hushed tone) Jesus Ted! Can't you keep from jerking off for five minutes? This is important! We have to get money out of this codger so we can fund the show to advertise Sauk. The show pays for the Sauk salons and those salons pay for regular salons and then we're set for life.

Ted: I know this is important that's why I wanted to masturbate before we came in here. If I didn't it's all I would be thinking about the whole time we were talking to the guy and then I wouldn't be any help at all now would I?

Ned: Just don't shake his hand ok?

Ted: (insulted) I washed up afterward.

Ned: Don't touch me then. Come on.

(They walk a few steps before Ted stops their approach.)

Ted: Is that his wife?

Ned: Keep it in your pants Ted. The guy's not a stiff yet. (realizing what he said and what Ted could reply) Don't say a word. Not a word.

Ted: It's all in your head, man. All of it.

Ned: Shut up. I'll talk, you ogle.

(They approach Einrich and his wife.)

Ned: Mrs. von Nostrümmer I presume?

Susie: Call me Susie. But don't call me Susie Q. I hate that goddamned song.

Ted: A pleasure to meet you Miss Susie von Nostrümmer.

(Ted reaches for her hand to kiss it but she gives him a look of stern disgust and pulls her hand out of his.)

Susie: (to Ned) Is he always this obnoxious?

Ned: (looking at Ted) Yes. Yes he is.

Susie: Who are you and what can I do for you gentlemen?

Ned: My name is Ned and this is my associate Ted. We've come here to present your husband with the idea for a television series.

Susie: You're looking for a handout?

Ted: I wouldn't call it a hand out. (as seductively as he can muster) I mean, we can always make it some kind of trade off.

Ned: We're looking for funding Mrs. von Nostrümmer.

Susie: Well as you can see my husband is in no condition to be making financial decisions in his current state. He isn't expected to live out the night and once he passes, (she looks to her dying husband) which will not be soon enough, his estate will be tied up for years. The details of his will have come into question and they could take some time to iron out.

Ned: If you don't mind my asking what sort of problems have arisen?

Susie: The two little shits from his first wife have disputed the changes that Einrich and I agreed upon a few months ago. Those greedy bastards don't want me getting a dime even though Einrich wanted me to get all of his money and trusted me to distribute the wealth evenly between the three of us.

Ned: (thinks for a moment) Will you excuse of for one moment Mrs. von Nostrümmer.

(Ned drags Ted off to the right to speak in more hushed tones while Susie stares at Ted with a look of hatred)

Ned: Ted, I want you to cause a distraction. I need a few minutes alone with the husband to talk shop.

Ted: He doesn't really look like he's a talker at the moment Ned.

Ned: I may be able to work something out but I need to get rid of the gold digger for a few minutes.

Ted: That's easy enough. I'll use some of the old charm to draw her away.

Ned: Good thinking Ted. Go outside and hit on that fat nurse who was eyeballing you and get her to talk with the wife outside.

Ted: (gesturing toward Susie) You know I could just...

Ned: No you couldn't. Go outside and work your magic on someone it works on.

Ted: Works for me, I'm not picky.

(Ted exits right and Ned walks back over to Mr. & Mrs. von Nostrümmer)

(While talking with Susie Ned is constantly on the look out for Ted to return with his distraction.)

Ned: So (with some hesitation born out of hatred of humanizing his grifts he speaks through his teeth) Susie, how did um... you two meet?

Susie: You know. How people meet people. I was reading some magazines about wealthy business men, I found out where he lived, I started following him learning his likes and dislikes and then I introduced myself and stuck my tits in his face.

Ned: (smugly) Sounds romantic.

Susie: Not so much. But what can you do? Romance died with free love.

Ned: A flower child? Never would've guessed that.

Susie: You think I'm a hippy girl? Don't talk to women much do you....?

Ned: Ned.

Susie: Ned.

(Ned looks offstage after Ted.)

Susie: Your day to watch bicycle helmet boy?

Ned: Something like that. He can get a little amorous if he's not in the middle of jerking off.

Susie: Find much time to be amorous yourself...?

Ned: Ned.

Susie: Ned?

Ned: I have my moments.

Susie: (as though she's changing the subject though she's not) Yeah I haven't exactly had much of an enjoyable sex life with bag of bones here.

Ned: Old man money bags not doing it for you?

Susie: He hasn't the bag for it any longer I'm afraid.

(Ned looks offstage again and becomes distracted by his impatience for Ted's reappearance.)

Ned: Well I'm sure you can work something out.

Susie: I'm sure I can. How about I go check on your friend (referring to Ted) Ted?

Ned: I'm Ned. Not Ted. Ned.

Susie: (smiles at his ignorance) I know.

(Susie exits right. Ned places his knuckles on his hips while taking in the old, sickly man.)

Ned: I'm going to be frank with you Mr. von Nostrümmer. I want something you have and if you're willing to hand over a shit load of money to that trophy piece of ass out there then I'm not afraid to take what I need if I have to.

(Ned walks over to Mr. von Nostrümmer and begins shaking him vigorously.)

Ned: Wake up for a minute you old bastard! Wake up!

(Mr. von Nostrümmer begins flat lining. Ned stops shaking him and steps away stunned for only a moment before forgetting any kind of moral grief he has just caused himself.)

Ned: No! Goddamnit! Not yet!

(Ned starts shaking him again.)

Ned: You can die tomorrow!

(Ned stops after another moment of shaking. He physically collects himself and looks over his shoulder for anyone entering the room. When convinced the coast is clear he produces a contract from his inside coat pocket and takes a pen from another. He places the pen in Mr. von Nostrümmer's hand and frantically forces him to write on the paper.)

Ned: (gruffly) Just sign the damn paper!

(Ned realizes the futility of his actions and tears up the contract in defeat. He slowly exits stage right. Moments later a nurse and Mrs. von Nostrümmer return with Ned to discover Mr. von Nostrümmer's death. The nurse goes to the bedside to check his vitals while Susie and Ned stay close to the right.)

Susie: So that's that huh?

Ned: Looks that way. Now there's no money for us. Which means there's no show. Which means I've failed yet again.

Susie: No one else you can ask for the cash to start the show?

Ned: It'd take months we don't have to find someone else. Oh well. This guy was a long shot anyway.

(Ned paces a bit not drifting far from the right side of the stage while he's in obvious distress. Susie looks on and thinks to herself.)

Susie: I'll tell you what. The estate's going to be wrapped up for a while but I've still got a few credit cards that no one will ask any questions about. You should take them.

Ned: What good will a few credit cards do me?

Susie: I can give you a few million dollars worth of credit cards. Einrich was a very wealthy man.

(Ned lights up a bit but then checks himself from being too happy in public. He then becomes suspicious of Susie's intentions.)

Ned: What's the catch?

Susie: I don't know. Let me help with the show?

Ned: You want to help with the show?

Susie: Why not? It's not like I have anything else to be doing right now.

(Ned thinks to himself.)

Susie: Look. I'm sure you can find something for me or make up something for me or something. If you want the cash I don't think I'm asking too much.

Ned: (eyes her suspiciously) All right. You've got yourself a deal.

(Ned extends his hand and Susie reluctantly takes it in the manner of one who feels the bond of a handshake is laughable at best.)

Susie: You should go collect your amorous friend. I have other matters to attend to. Be in touch.

(Susie collects a few credit cards from her purse and writes down her phone number in the process. She hands them all to Ned.)

Susie: Now if you'll excuse me I have a dead husband to finalize.

(Susie walks over to meet with the nurse at Einrich's bedside. At that moment a hefty nurse hurries across the stage from right buttoning her top and Ted enters a few paces behind her with a smile on his face.)

Ted: How was that for a distraction?

Ned: Not much of one. I wanted you to get rid of the widow not go hump one of the nurses.

Ted: I distracted someone didn't I?

Ned: There were two nurses. There was the widow. You talked one out of three people into hiking up for you and you call that a successful distraction?

Ted: Distracted me just fine. All this talk about people dying was getting a little depressing. I needed to take my mind off it all.

Ned: (sarcastically) Congratulations on your accomplishment.

Ted: (genuinely) Thank you. So do we have funding?

Ned: We do on the condition that the widow Susie gets to help the show.

Ted: You say that like it's a bad thing.

Ned: I would just assume not deal with her. We should not be trusting of her whatsoever. She is a gold digger after all which means that hers is a game of deception.

Ted: You should be writing this shit down man. It'd shave off weeks in the writing room.

Ned: (pseudo playing along) Or maybe one of those little tape recorders right?

Ted: Yeah.

Ned: Shut up Ted.

Ted: Anyway it'll be great having her around. All that time with Captain Can't Get It Up and she's probably drooling over a young, virile man like myself.

Ned: You have fun with that then. C'mon. We've got work to do.

(Ned and Ted exit right.)

3 – Herr Director

(Ned and Ted enter a cluttered condo from right.)

Ted: I think I'm going to be sick.

Ned: It doesn't look like you'll have to look far for a place to throw up.

Ted: The smell. Goddamn the smell.

(Behind Ned and Ted a disguised figure can be seen stalking them amongst the piles of debris.)

Ted: How can someone live like this?

Ned: I don't think this guy's left his place for years. You're sure this is the place?

Ted: I took the washed-up stars tour last week and this should be his house. He hasn't directed anything in years so I can't imagine he has too much going on these days. But even so what would make someone hold up in a place like this for this long?

Ned: Afraid of the outside maybe? (mockingly) The big, bad world was closing in on him so here he's been for forever trying to hide from it.

Ted: (lifting his shoe) I think I just stepped in poo.

Ned: The sooner we find this guy the faster we can get out of here. I mean, he's gotta be here somewhere.

Ted: (holding up a pillow) I think I just found his girlfriend. (raps his knuckles on the pillow a few times to show its density) This thing could be an ironing board.

(The disguised figure grabs Ned from behind and puts a knife to his throat.)

Bernie: (gruffly) Who are you?! What do you want with me?! Are you here for the asparagus?

Ted: Take it easy buddy. Nobody's here to hurt you.

Bernie: So said the malaria to the mosquito!

Ned: What?!

Bernie: What?

Ted: Just let him go man. We just want to talk.

Bernie: About the lice? You're the bastards that released those vile dogs on me! Aren't you?!

Ned: Oh god Ted he's got lice and his beard is all stabbing the back of my neck!

Bernie: I'll stab more than that you sonoffabeetch!

Ted: Bernie? Chill out man.

Bernie: (pointing the knife at Ted) Who told you my name?! You read it in some dossier didn't you? I knew it! Goddamn Vietnamese still after me after all these years!

Ned: What'd you do to the Vietnamese?

Bernie: (lasciviously) I drank of their virginal waters. Sorry shits don't like it so much when you defile their human sacrifices but I had to to save their poor wretched lives. (in almost maddened, tearful tones) If it weren't for me they'd all be digging phosphates from the imperial staircases.

Ned: What the fuck are you on about you crazy asshole?!

Ted: Bernie? We need your help.

Bernie: Need me to let go of this twat so you can filet me with disease?! I don't think so.

Ted: No Bernie. TV. We have a show and we need your help to make it.

Bernie: Lies!

Ned: (calmly) Bernie. What do we have to do to get you to get that knife away from my throat?

Bernie: Tell me you love me.

Ted: What?

Bernie: (enraged) Tell me you love me!

Ned: I love you Bernie!

Bernie: Now prove it.

Ned: Prove it?

Bernie: Scratch my balls.

Ned: I'm going to die aren't I?

Bernie: Scratch my balls!

(Ned reaches down and scratches Bernie's balls.)

Bernie: Not that way! Put your hand down my pants and scratch my balls!

(Ned winces as he reaches down the front of Bernie's pants to scratch his balls.)

Bernie: Ah that's nice. Mmmm.

(Bernie releases Ned who takes a few steps holding out his defiled hand.)

Ted: We're safe now?

Bernie: Of course. You never would've clutched my crabs if you were the enemy.

(Ned runs offstage left screaming in terror. Ted and Bernie are silent for a moment while looking at one another.)

Ted: What happened to you man?

Bernie: I stared into the abyss and it stared back. I looked into the darkness and I saw the true nature of existence. I saw the hatred and the agony of the world. I saw aardvarks.

Ted: Aardvarks?

Bernie: Demonic little buggers.

Ted: What's wrong with aardvarks?

Bernie: They are the most sinister creatures on this plane of reality.

Ted: Why?

Bernie: They eat ants you fool! The bees are next. You'll see.

Ted: Where do you get this stuff?

Bernie: The walls. They beseech me.

Ted: Is that right?

Bernie: No! It's all wrong! Can't you see that?!

(Ned reenters still drying off his hands with a hand towel.)

Ned: That bathroom was foul. When was the last time you flushed the john?

Bernie: They've taken so much. I won't let them take that from me as well. (noticing the towel) That towel? Excellent! You've found my semen depository. I've been looking for that for so long.

(Ned feverishly drops the towel and acts as if he's choking back vomit and then exits left again toward the bathroom.)

Ted: Poor guy.

Bernie: Not really. That was a lie I told him just now. I wished for him to leave us again. My semen is my own. I'd never rid myself of it. It holds in my senses. Like a basketball player.

Ted: You don't like Ned?

Bernie: It's his breath. The mintiness of it belies his putridity. But you my lad. You I might speak with of noble things.

Ted: Such as?

Bernie: Such as your purpose here.

Ted: Me and Ned are trying to get you to direct a TV show for us.

Bernie: You trust this Ned?

Ted: About as much as I trust anybody.

Bernie: What's the name of this show?

Ted: 'Sex'.

Bernie: Sex? (scratches his chin and looks Ted up and down) You like the sex don't you Ted?

Ted: Oh yes. Very much so.

Bernie: There was a time I did as well. But now the night is my only mistress. Only she may take my batter. Take it in consumption.

Ted: Wet dreams huh?

Bernie: Only last night I dreamt of polygons and cubes; cubes that grew and shaped themselves into trapezoids. (with sensual remembrance and longing) Angles widening and lengthening.

Ted: I guess you're right. If I ever have a wet dream its almost never about sex.

Bernie: Hah! Biscuits we are you and I Ted.

Ted: (slightly bashfully) Thanks.

(Bernie approaches uncomfortably close to Ted.)

Bernie: But I must tell you boy. (He pauses and looks in all directions.) I wish to present the idealism of forgotten lore as well as impudence to any and all new endeavors I wish to undertake. Will you afford me this?

Ted: (nervously) What kind of stuff?

Bernie: We have too much information. You and I and all of us. In a thousand years none of it will be remembered because no one will know when to start keeping track of it all.

(Ted waits for Bernie to finish but when he doesn't Ted makes his reply.)

Ted: And?

Bernie: And what?

(Ned returns again from the bathroom shaking water from his hands.)

Ned: Jesus Bernie we've got to get you a housekeeper in here.

Bernie: A beekeeper's more like it. (Bernie knowingly winks at this remark to Ted who unknowingly stares back at him nervously nodding his head.)

(Ted pulls away from Bernie's grasp.)

Ted: (proudly) Well Ned I have already spoken to Bernie about his place as director.

Ned: And?

(Ned and Ted look to Bernie for his decision.)

Bernie: Of course I'll do it. It's the beginning of my misanthrope cycle. Nancy7th lunar year of Nekchell you know.

Ned: Good. We'll be in touch. Come on Ted.

(Ned quickly exits right. Bernie begins laughing.)

Ted: Another lie?

Bernie: Oh yes. The fool doesn't realize it's the year of peanut butter. Eli was prophetic with his nuts.

Ted: All right then.

Bernie: Now if you will excuse me I must poop so bad my butt hole is aquiver.

(Bernie exits left.)

Ted: Yeah do your thing. (shouting to an offstage Bernie.) Welcome aboard.

(Ted exits right.)

4 – The Pee of All Light

(Ned and Ted enter from left onto a beach. Ned is carrying a drink.)

Ned: He likes to get peed on?

Ted: Yeah.

Ned: And we have to talk him into letting Bobby out of his contract so we can use him for 'Sex'?

Ted: Precisely.

Ned: Where do you come up with these people?

Ted: Drink your drink and I'll tell you.

Ned: What's with you today? This is like the third drink you've handed me since we got here.

Ted: (changing the subject) I was at a Sex Addicts Anonymous meeting trying to pick up women and he was there. I always like talking to the really weird ones to make myself feel better so when he went on the whole pee rant I bought him a cup of coffee and got to know him.

Ned: I thought you didn't have a problem with your sexual proclivities?

Ted: I don't.

Ned: So why were you at a sex addicts meeting trying to make yourself feel better?

Ted: It's just nice to have an ego boost sometimes. There's a lot of screwed up people out there and it's nice to know I'm not that bad off.

Ned: I know I'll hate myself for asking but why does he like to get peed on and what does that have anything to do with finding him on a beach?

Ted: Jellyfish.

Ned: Jellyfish?

Ted: Indeed. Donald was a big time movie producer at one point in his life. The Slammed Door trilogy was his claim to fame.

Ned: Those terrible teen movies?

Ted: He made a killing on them. That was also how he came across Bobby. Bobby was Ricardo, the troubled adolescent with a bad home life and a chip on his shoulder. He signed Bobby to a three picture deal but Bobby was only in the second movie of the trilogy. Donald cast him in the failed Nuance re-launch so that was picture two. The problem is Donald hasn't made a movie since and according to his contract Bobby can't be in any other movie until the third one gets made. So we have to talk him into letting Bobby out of his contract or just letting us use him for the show. Since it's television there may be a loop hole through it but it would be a lot easier to just get Donald to agree.

Ned: A legal battle over an actor may add some interest toward 'Sex'.

Ted: But it would also lead to years in court.

Ned: And this Donald is Bobby's agent?

Ted: Donald produced The Slammed Door and discovered Bobby so yes; Donald his is agent as well as a producer.

Ned: What does all this have to do with Donald liking piss?

Ted: Drink up and I'll tell you. With the success of the Slammed Door trilogy wealth poured in for him. One of his first purchases was a beach house on the very beach we stand on now. One day while he was taking a morning swim he gets stung by a jellyfish. He managed to swim in but he was in agonizing pain. A passerby had heard the myth that peeing on a jellyfish sting would take away the pain. In his desperation Donald agreed and the guy pissed all over him. Turns out it really did take the pain away. The problem is that the guy's brain got screwed up from it and he associated being peed on with a pleasurable feeling jellyfish sting or no. Ever since that day he's had a golden shower fetish.

(Donald sneaks in from right and lays down on the beach unknown to Ned and Ted.)

Ned: And he doesn't make movies anymore because he's too busy getting peed on?

Ted: Yes and no. As a fledgling in the golden shower realm he didn't realize what exactly he was longing for. The need was there but he didn't know how to fill it. So he started using lots of drugs which sucked up most of his money and didn't satisfy him. He started getting into pornography which didn't help except for the fact that he finally figured out it was the pee that turned him on. So he starts trying to get his wife to piss on him and she wouldn't do it. Then he starts picking up hookers and paying them to pee on him. More money getting sucked up. Then one day the wife comes home to find Donald laying in a Jacuzzi tub with like ten people standing over him just letting it flow. She couldn't take it anymore so she bolts. She climbs in her car and is in such a panic that she doesn't realize the car's in first and not reverse. She hammers the gas and goes crashing through the front of the house. A balcony falls on top of the car and kills her. There was a few people in the room she drove into and she killed them. That's a five person body count simply because Donald had an orgy of pee going on in the house. After that he lost it. The rest of the money was pissed away on hookers and blow.

Ned: Pissed away?

Ted: Whatever. So now he just wanders along beaches like some lost soul looking for people to pee on him.

Ned: Why beaches?

(Ned and Ted turn with the realization of Donald laying in the sand when Donald finally allows his presence to be known.)

Donald: Oh the pain! Someone help me I've been stung by a jellyfish!

Ned: (dryly) You're kidding me?

Ted: That would be Donald. He can always be found along the shores of his discovery.

Ned: (commandingly) You know him, you're going to talk to him.

Ted: Too good to be talking to sexual misfits are you?

Ned: The guy's sick! He gets off on people pissing on him.

Ted: At least he gets off. You haven't been laid in years.

Ned: You talk to him.

Ted: Whatever you say.

(Ned and Ted approach Donald who feigns distress.)

Donald: For the love of god please help me! The pain of the sting! It burns, it... (in realization) oh! How are you Ted?

Ted: I'm good Donald. How's the jellyfish business?

Donald: Slowly but surely. Who's your friend?

Ted: Not important. We're here to talk shop with you Donald. We're putting together a TV show and we need your help with something.

Donald: (his mood changes instantly to that of coldness) Of course. People always want something from me.

Ted: That's probably because you always want something from them. When was the last time you talked to someone without asking them to piss on you.

Donald: I talk to people all the time.

Ted: Sure when you're lying to them. Face it Donald, you've kind of let this whole fetish thing get a little out of control. It's taken over your life man.

Donald: (pleadingly) It can't be helped Ted! Every time I see someone all I can think about is the look of relief on their face when they finally empty themselves onto me. (dreamily) And the anticipation of it. Oh sweet jesus those precious moments when they look inward and ask themselves if they can really pee on someone to aid them in their time of need. So many are called upon by me but so few are sacrificial enough to indulge me. Then the elation they feel. When they're midstream and it dawns on them exactly what it is they are doing but there's no way to stop the flow once it's begun and all they can do is embrace the shattering of a taboo they never in a million years thought they'd attempt to risk. From shock to contemplation and finally to conclusion. I think they get more out of it than I do.

Ted: I think you've been peed on one too many times Donald. It's no fun when you have to have something like that to get off. Look at what it's done to your life.

Donald: What it's done to my life?! It's opened my eyes Ted. It showed me something I never knew existed and never would have known were it not for that merciful jellyfish. The stinger of man. The eye opener. Pleasure through pain. Salvation through suffering. Can't you see its glory?

Ted: I see it buddy. I see it.

(Ted gives Donald a brotherly pat on the shoulder and lets his hand linger there to emphasize compassion.)

Ned: Can we...

Ted: (in interruption, to Ned calmly) Shhhh. It's ok.

Donald: Misunderstanding is so prevalent amongst the non believers. Why can't everyone be like you Ted?

Ted: Most people are too self righteous Donald. Just because they don't want to be peed on doesn't mean others shouldn't derive joy from it.

Donald: (teary and deranged at once) You're one of the good ones Ted.

Ted: Should we go Donald? I don't want to keep you.

Donald: No no. You need my help and I'm glad to give it. What can I do for your show old friend?

Ted: We need Bobby.

Donald: (outraged) You need what!

Ted: We need Bobby. He doesn't need to come out of his contract but we need him for 'Sex'.

Donald: Well you can't have him! I swore that that pompous, arrogant fiend would never work again so long as I could help it and he surely won't so long as I live.

Ned: Ted we've got...

Ted: (to Ned) Shhh, I'll handle this. (turning to Donald) What is it Big Don? What'd he do to you?

Donald: He mocked me! Mocked me to my face! He'll never be free of my reach. Never!

Ted: (soothingly) Take a deep breath Donald. Relax. Tell me what he did that was so wrong?

Donald: He laughed when he peed on me and I couldn't get it up.

Ned: This is really...

Ted: (to Ned) Please. You drink your drink. I know what I'm doing.

Donald: It was Bobby who taught me that I needed a stranger to pee on me to have the desired effect. On that first fateful day when someone I didn't know, a god sent, an angel, came to me and urinated on me...that day I found joy in simplicity. But Bobby was the first person I actually knew who showered me. At the wrap party for Weeping Sorrow I had all intentions of speaking with him about a role in the third and final Door movie. But we'd had a lot to drink and he began asking for the bathroom. In drunken folly I told him that it would be ok for him to use me for his restroom and without hesitation he did so. Bobby thought I would be randy for him if he did but I couldn't. I simply couldn't become aroused from his blissful array of piss. When he saw me flaccid he mocked and heckled me until he walked into the wall thinking it was a doorway and passed out. I knew then that I could not know those who would pee on me but with this wisdom I had sustained a wounded pride. A wound that no amount of piss could ever heal. He awoke claiming to have remembered nothing but oh how I knew his transgression. I wrote him out of the final installment of Slammed Door and vowed never to allow him to work again.

Ted: But Donald he was loaded and didn't know how to react to the situation. Not to mention the fact that he was young and stupid. Can you not overlook his ignorance and allow him to be happy?

Donald: Never!

Ted: Was it not a learning experience for you? How long would you have tried in vain to find joy in what you do were it not for him? How many years would you have felt that itch that you wouldn't know how to scratch unless he showed you the way? You spoke of salvation through suffering but in this instance you rebuke the teacher. Am I not making sense to you?

Donald: (after a pause) Yes. As loathe as I am to admit it you do speak wisely. It is another lesson that is hard to learn but you are right. For as humiliated as he made me feel he did teach me something about myself that it would have taken me a long time to discover on my on.

Ted: Will you let him help us Donald? We need an actor of his caliber to get 'Sex' off the ground. Will you allow it?

Donald: Yes. Yes and you have my blessing in this endeavor.

Ted: Thank you Donald. You will not regret this.

Donald: There is only one thing I ask of you in return.

Ted: Name it my friend.

Donald: The man you are with?

Ted: Yes?

Donald: I know him not.

Ted: No you don't.

Donald: Will he?

Ned: Whoa whoa whoa!

Donald: Can he?

Ted: Excuse me a moment.

(Ned and Ted distance themselves from Donald.)

Ned: I am not pissing on that guy!

Ted: Ned you wanted me to handle this so I handled it.

Ned: Absolutely not!

Ted: You're telling me that you would risk not getting one of the best actors, who by the way hasn't worked in years and will add extra publicity to 'Sex', because you don't want to do thirty seconds worth of work?

Ned: I am not going to prostitute myself to satisfy his sick sexual needs!

Ted: Why not! You're just going to flush it down the toilet anyway. It's not like you need it for anything. Thirty seconds. That's it and we've got Bobby.

Ned: He'd watch wouldn't he? I can't go if he's watching.

Ted: Ned. Just do it. Quit being a baby about it and just do it.

Ned: Babies don't mind pissing on people.

Ted: Then act like a baby and pee on him already!

(Ned thinks for a moment.)

Ned: No one finds out about this.

Ted: Who am I going to tell?

Ned: No one!

Ted: No one will know all right? I swear.

Ned: You're going to burn in hell for making me do this.

(Ned walks over to Donald and begins undoing his pants.)

Donald: (elated) Oh yes! Shower me in your bliss!

(Fades to black as Ted can be seen pulling out a camera and snapping a picture of Ned and Donald.)

5 – The Finer Points of 'Sex'

(Susie, Ted, Ned, Bernie and Bobby all sit around a table in that order to discuss the show.)

Ned: Before we begin today I would like to introduce our star of 'Sex' Bobby Blaylock.

All: (random ad lib of welcomes)

Ned: All right everyone. We're here today to iron out some details of the show and get things rolling in an orderly fashion. Hopefully today we can get some good ideas about the direction we need to go with 'Sex' which will facilitate the creative process.

Bernie: Balloon animals Sue Ellen0Sue Ellen. First thing you learn in clown school is how to make a cock and balls.

(Everyone looks at everyone else in bewilderment.)

Ned: (stoically) Right. Thanks for that Bernie.

Ted: No no. He's got a point.

Ned: (agitated) Moving on.

Bernie: Cock and balls!

Ted: It's like the easiest balloon animal to make is a cock and balls so that's the mentality we need to go into this with.

Ned: (agitated still) Moving on.

Susie: He's right Ned. Cock and balls.

Bobby: (as if hypnotized) Cock and balls.

Bernie: Cock and balls!

Ned: Cock and balls. Point taken. Moving on. We need to get some plotting out of the way.

Ted: And the cock and balls will show us the way to get the plotting out of the way.

Ned: Bobby, any suggestions about your character? How do you want to play him?

Bobby: Firstly, he should be well-versed in Shakespearean plays.

Bernie: Bah! You and your Shakespearean acting. Cock and balls the lot of it!

Susie: Bobby we aren't shooting for the Shakespearean circles with this show.

Ted: Yeah. They'll be too busy writing in their laptop journals in coffee shops to watch the show. But if we don't do very well in the ratings then maybe it won't be trendy to watch our show which will make it appeal to trendy people since no one else is watching it. Then once all the normal people catch on the trendy people can stop watching it and tell everyone that they used to watch it but now everyone else does so they don't because they're too cool to follow trends.

Ned: Not a bad angle to play but let's keep the mindset that we'll do well enough in the beginning to appeal to a lot of people. If we don't do well we can always work in underground bands which trendy people listen to. It will immediately kill the band's popularity in those circles since they'll be televised and therefore too well-known for the hipsters to enjoy but I'm not concerned with anyone else's success but our own.

Bernie: (prophetically) The flies in our eyes man. The flies in our eyes.

Ned: What else do you have for us Bobby?

Bobby: I'd like to do some (finger quotes) "undercover" work to get a true feel for my character. Only by immersing myself in the lascivious underground of sexual depravity can I accurately portray my character.

Ted: If you want to get a better handle on your character you should just hang out with me. I can show you all you need to know about the life of a casual sex play about.

Susie: By showing him how to mercy hump his way to syphilitic bliss?

Ted: (to Bobby) I'm indiscriminate man. Like a disease. (thinking on what he just said) Yeah, like a disease.

Ned: Of course you are Ted.

Ted: (again directly to Bobby) Two words: love stink. Gotta get that love stink all over ya.

Bernie: Mother nature's against us you know. Airborne illnesses weren't getting the job done so she's attacking our reproductively. Men can't have children so we're carriers for the papillomavirus that directly causes a woman's reproductive organs to become cancerous. Mother nature is a living entity just like the rest of us with her own natural defenses and we're killing her so she's trying to kill us.

Ted: Love stink.

Susie: How long have you been indiscriminately bedding every woman you find Ted?

(Bobby begins taking notes, scribbling away maddeningly.)

Ted: What's wrong with being a little benevolent with my penis? Really? Is it so bad that I have sex with women that don't get to have sex any time they want? What's wrong with me bringing a little joy in their life? And for your information not all of the women I have sex with are unwanted grotesqueries. Like there's divorcees that have been with shitty husbands for years and they did the good thing and tried to stick it out but one day they realize that it'll never get better and the next thing you know they're 40, divorced, lonely and unwanted.

Susie: Divorcees? That's what they get for getting married out of love in the first place.

Ted: What about single mothers?

Susie: They're doing wonderful things in the field of abortions these days.

Ted: The ugly? The fugly? The overweight? The underweight? The old, the elderly, the nyphomaniacal, the frigid, paraplegics, quadriplegics? Do these people not need sex too? Who will help them if I don't?

Susie: How heroic of you. You're like a superhero you know that?

Ted: If that's what you call it then so be it.

Ned: Everyone, we're getting off track here.

Bobby: Love stink.

Ted: Su-per Caauuck!

Bernie: Balls!

Ned: Susie, you've mentioned that at some point you may want to play a character yourself. What have you done in the way of developing this character?

Susie: I'm thinking that she should be fresh off the death of a loved one in the midst of a rebellious phase of long nights, drugs and loveless sex with strangers.

Ned: Why?

Susie: To fill the endless void that has been left because of her loss.

Ned: No why do you think she should be coming off of a death?

Susie: I've always thought that there were two kinds of people in the world; those that fantasize about the death of their enemies and those that fantasize about the death of their loved ones. I personally don't have enemies or loved ones so I fantasize about fantasizing about other people's deaths so this will be a good outlet for me.

Ted: Sociopath much?

Bernie: You got a lot of spine son. I like that.

Ned: Fantasizing about fantasizing about other people's deaths is a product of detachment not sociopathic behavior.

Susie: I choose to be sociopathic. Sociopaths don't have a choice in the matter they just don't feel anything.

Bernie: Sociopaths are the new human evolution. We'll all be emotionless and mechanical soon enough so we might as well jump on the bandwagon now and get the jump on the gold rush.

Bobby: (stops writing long enough to speak) Jumping cock and balls! (Bobby continues writing his notes.)

Ted: Love stink Bobby. Love stink.

Ned: I like it Susie.

(Bernie looks down at Bobby's lap and jumps away from the table while shouting.)

Bernie: Egad! Put your cock away Man.

Bobby: (defensively) I'm getting into character.

Ned: It can wait until after the meeting Bobby. Put it away.

Ted: Good lad.

(Bernie picks up his chair and moves next to Susie.)

Bernie: Too much of that for me in Paraguay.

Ned: Maybe we should concentrate more on the broad strokes of the show. Now, the purpose of this show is to appeal to mass audiences. We need to reach as many people with 'Sex' as humanly possible.

Bobby: (clueless) You know that artistic television shows are rarely watched even with critical acclaim don't you?

Ned: Who said anything about being artistic here?

Bernie: Integrity be damned! I say let them curdle.

Ted: Who?

Bernie: (menacingly eerie) Theeeemmmmmm.

Ned: Don't encourage him Ted. We need to take into consideration that the average television viewer is overweight and lazy. They have no imagination of their own and are completely satisfied letting themselves be stupefied on a daily basis by flashing lights that melt their brain. How do we take advantage of that? Suggestions?

Ted: Lots of near nudity.

Ned: That's a given.

Susie: Guns.

Ned: Good. Every advertisement and photo for this show should have someone holding a gun in it.

Bobby: Quotes from Shakespeare.

Susie: Get with the program Bobby. We aren't doing highbrow here.

Ned: Susie's right Bobby. If we start throwing intellect at the average television viewer they'll change the channel faster than throwing a dirty diaper in a Wal-Mart parking lot.

Bernie: We need mud. Goddamnit they'll tune in for mud.

Ned: If by mud you mean violence then yes, we need mud.

Ted: We could also use a success story. Maybe a girl from a trailer that grows up to be a pop singer.

Susie: I can do trailer trash.

Bobby: Can you sing?

Susie: Does it matter?

Bobby: Touché.

Ned: I like it. Ted, we're going to need you to write a few songs for her. The most inane drool you can think of. Love songs, happy and sad, be as nondescript as possible. Also an independent women anthem. Oh, and a ballad. Maybe about war. Maybe about no one caring about her as a child. The sky's the limit. Just make sure it sounds like every other pop song you've ever heard.

Ted: I don't listen to much of that stuff Ned.

Ned: (to the group) Any recommendations?

Susie: Teen idols.

Bobby: Boy bands.

Bernie: Caesar. Julius Caesar. And Henry Kissinger.

Ned: Basically anyone who never tours and has a songwriter locked up in a room somewhere trying to write his way out. Look for people that have their name as the name of the band, any woman between Ellen0 and Nancy0 that only has a picture of herself on the cover of a CD and any group that has two or more same-sex singers who don't play instruments. Bobby, how are we doing on your character? Any ideas?

Bobby: What about a war veteran?

Ned: Which war?

Bobby: The latest one.

Ned: Close but not there yet. Keep on it.

Bernie: The thieves were like alabaster shining in the sea of dismay.

Ned: Could you make less sense?

Susie: What if Bobby is wealthy.

Ted: People do love watching rich people be naughty.

Bobby: How about I can be rich and a cop. He can be a divorced cop or maybe a cop that's getting a divorce from his estranged wife because he's married to his job?

Susie: Why would a wealthy man want to be a cop?

Bobby: Does it matter?

Ned: That's what I like to hear. Bernie can you film car chase scenes?

Bernie: Car chase scene is my surname.

Ned: Enough of a yes for me. We'll also need plenty of explosions.

Ted: I can handle that. I can do wonders with a can of gasoline.

Susie: There should also be a menacing organization at work controlling all the characters from behind the scenes.

Ned: We can call it...

Ted: The Shadow Clan!

Ned: They're not ninjas Ted.

Bobby: How about an acronym? It can be anything we just have to pick the word.

Susie: Like I.N.T.R.I.G.U.E.? Um... The International Neutralization Task (falters in thought and is interrupted)

Ned: Too long.

Ted: H.A.R.M. Humans Against Rational Minds.

Bernie: The Men.

(All are silent by the first logical thought from Bernie.)

Ned: Yeah. The Men. Good one Bernie. All right. So a rich, soon to be divorced cop wrongfully arrests a pop singer who hails from a modest, humble upbringing only to find out after a fifteen minute car chase that they are both pawns in a global scheme by The Men. Any questions?

Susie: What if my character has a love interest that is killed by The Men and that's how she gets caught up in the grand scheme? We can do that instead of having some miscellaneous person she knows having died at some point before the show begins.

Ned: As long as he gets killed within the first ten minutes we can do that.

Ted: I can play the love interest and Ned can be the guy from The Men.

Susie: (to Ted) For the sake of me not wanting to be molested by you on film how about Ned be the love interest and you can be the guy from The Men.

Ned: Whatever.

Bobby: So what's the grand scheme of The Men going to be?

Ned: Doesn't matter. I don't want or expect this show to make it past five episodes.

Susie: What?

Ted: We only need the show... (Ted is cut off by Ned kicking him underneath the table)

Ned: I was joking. This'll be a smash hit. This'll be the boat we've all been waiting on.

Bernie: My boat sailed so I sank it.

Ned: (dismissively) Good for you. OK people. We've got the basics out of the way. Ted and I will handle the writing for the pilot episode, Susie you're episode two and Bobby you're three. Bernie; you just hang out until we need you to say something crazy. (Ned silently looks around at everyone before clapping his hands loudly together to call their attention through surprise) Let's get to it! This slop isn't going to write itself.

(Everyone sluggishly gets up from the table giving Ned dirty looks and then exits in various directions. Before Ted can leave Ned stops him.)

Ned: Ted. Hold back a sec.

Ted: What's up?

Ned: Have you told anyone about Sauk?

Ted: (innocently) No.

Ned: Let's keep it to ourselves huh? There's no point in everyone worrying about our little nest egg while they should be worrying about getting the show together.

Ted: Do you really only want to make a few episodes?

Ned: We honestly only need one. That's why we're writing the pilot. We air that for the network monkeys and they'll put it on the schedule somewhere. You know, test the waters with the public. It could be months before they order more episodes so we're not going to worry ourselves about the future of a show that we don't care about in the first place.

Ted: I'm sort of having fun with all this. Why can't we just do both?

Ned: Because the funding for the show needs to go into opening the Sauk salons. Besides, this stuff is fun now but past the first episode it'll be all work and no one will be having any fun.

Ted: So what if the network picks up the show for real?

Ned: (realizing there's no point in reasoning with Ted) Then we'll cross that bridge when we get there. But for right now we need to start writing up the episode so we know what we need cuckoo bird to shoot.

Ted: I've never written anything before Ned.

Ned: The ideas are all there. Plus I'm planning on just taking Bobby and Susie's script and mixing it together with ours to make one big episode anyway. It may get a little muddled but we're appealing to the big guns, big tits, big explosions crowd. Plot is secondary.

Ted: Whatever you say Ned but I'm not going to be the one that explains all this to everyone else. It's your show so they can feel ripped off from you later.

Ned: (unabashedly) I'm pretty ok with that.

Ted: Not surprising.

Ned: And you will be too when we're neck deep in cash and slutty tanning salon girls. (in explanation) We do the show, open Sauks anywhere we can and run everyone else out of business, we buy their failed shops and ditch Sauk while the get out's good. Stick with the plan and we'll come out of this smelling like burnt skin and tanning oil.

Ted: You know we have lots of money at our fingertips maybe we should really try to make it a good show. Everyone really seems up for making this something we can all be proud of.

Ned: Don't let yourself be fooled into thinking any of those people's motives are genuine. Nobody cares about making this a good show. There's a bored trophy wife who's in between corpses, a drama major twit who thinks he was put on this earth to act but doesn't have the common sense to be picky about what he acts in or why he's doing what he does and a director that probably still thinks he's twitching on his living room floor while foaming at the mouth and that we're all just figments of his imagination. These people don't want to be part of a successful television series they just want a distraction from their sad lives. We need to do what we need to do and not worry about what or why they're doing what they're doing.

Ted: However it needs to be Ned.

Ned: Trust me. A year from now and you'll be thanking me. When it's all over you'll realize that I was right all along.

(Both exit right together.)

6 – Soothing Beasts

(Ronald "Ronnie Gunn" Masters, musician, strums a guitar while seated as his girlfriend is lounging in a chair, drugged out of her mind. Bobby enters from the right.)

Ronnie Gunn: Bobby. What the hell are you doing here?!

Bobby: I called you this morning and asked if I could come over.

RG: Piss on you and your mother. And if your mother's dead I'm happy because she wasn't moving when I fucked her last night and I thought I might be losing my touch.

Bobby: My mom isn't dead Ronnie she's in Minnesota.

RG: I wouldn't shit on Minnesota with your asshole. What do you what you sycophant? You worm? Who the hell are you to come barging in here unannounced. Asshole.

Bobby: I need to talk to you Ronnie. I've got a small favor to ask of you and you could stand to benefit from it.

RG: You think I need you you testicle? Like I need favors from someone whose sole purpose is producing baby batter.

Bobby: Listen. I know some people who are working on a pilot and they need someone with notoriety to do the soundtrack. We tried writing really terrible poppy stuff but it just didn't work out for us. What do you think about helping us?

RG: If you want fame why don't you piss on Madonna's door you ass. I'm busy. Too busy for you.

Bobby: Oh. (genuinely interested) What are you working on?

RG: Fuck you.

Bobby: No seriously. What are you working on?

RG: It's a new song called (yelled directly at Girl) "My Girlfriend is a Druggy Cunt with a Stinking Twat". In parentheses; (And She's in That Chair Over There).

Girl: (awakens briefly) Hhhhheeeeeyyyyyy. Whzzzahhhk k k k (and reenters her drug-induced slumber).

RG: (spits at the girl) Shut your twat! It smells bad enough in here.

Bobby: So what about the band? Are you guys getting back together?

RG: Are you the media you wad of shit? Must you continuously pry your government-browned nose into the business of a musical genius? Didn't enough babies die this morning for you to do your stories on? Why are you even here?

Bobby: I told you I need you to do me a favor and record at least a song for this show. It doesn't have to be much just enough to put your name on it. You haven't done anything in a few years but people will still recognize you and the execs will be more likely to ok the show if you signed on.

RG: Haven't been doing anything?! Haven't been doing anything?!

Bobby: Then what have you been doing?

RG: I've been recording. And I've been tripping balls. And I've been buried to the hilt in this one (referring to Girl) for a few months now. I think it's her, I mean who knows anymore right? (to Girl) You could be any cunny you dumb ass! Remember that.

Girl: (mildly waking from haze) Wahll yu kuuunnnnn sssssuuuuuppkkkkk (she rolls out of the chair and passes out on the floor).

Bobby: Is she ok?

RG: (yelling at Girl) I don't know and I don't fucking care! You're worthless. You gave my dog fleas you wench!

Bobby: So Ronnie lis...

RG: Ronnie Gunn you fucking stranger cause that's what you are to me is a fucking stranger coming in here all high and fucking mighty on your gravy train riding down you rocky fucking road. Piss on you and piss on your mother's brother.

Bobby: I'll be honest with you Ronnie Gunn your career has tanked. You don't have anything going on, you haven't done anything in years and the only thing keeping you afloat is what little money you get out of the three CDs a week suburban teenagers with mommy issues buy at their local mall. Face it I'm trying to do you a favor and you're too interested in flushing what little bit of fame you have down the crapper like the turd that it is.

RG: That's deep Bobby man. That's deep. You need me to do a song?

Bobby: I need you to do something. A song or two. Maybe some soundtrack stuff if you felt like it. Anything to sell to the execs and help get your name back out there and on something new.

RG: Why'd you come to me Bobby man? Why the Gunn?

Bobby: Because the people making the show needed a soundtrack guy and I said know someone that would be perfect. But you will have to work for free and I didn't...

RG: Did you say free you son of a bitch? You whore's son mother fucker! Who says I'll work for free? I need my dolphins man. I need my fucking dolphins!

Girl: SSShhhhhurrrprr yur ffffaaaaccckkin' dolpens.

RG: (to Girl) Fuck you! Fuck you! My dolphins will kill you! They'll fucking bottle nose your ass to death you walking STD! Get in the water! Get in the fucking water and talk shit about those dolphins you bitch!

Bobby: No dolphins Ronnie Gunn.

RG: (distraught and defeated) I need my dolphins man. I need 'um. Like a plague needs to be airborne.

Bobby: No dolphins. We don't have the money and you don't need them anyway. You can do it on your own Ronnie Gunn and it's about time you realized that.

RG: I've never done a video or nothing without those dolphins and I'm not about to start now.

Bobby: You didn't have the dolphins in the beginning Ronnie Gunn. You had them on that last video and the next thing you know there's a backlash against you. Nobody went for the dolphin swimming so maybe now its time to move on.

RG: But my...

Bobby: Where's your dolphins now Ronnie Gunn? Where's the dolphins at?

RG: They're not here any more. The aquatic people came and took them away. Said their bodies were stinking up the place. They were mammals goddamnit nobody told me they had to have water! I just thought they liked to swim, I didn't think they had to. Now the only rotting carcass I have is her. (to Girl) Open your legs so I can remember my dead dolphins!

(Girl opens her legs unconsciously)

Bobby: It's time to let go of the dolphins. Can I count on you for the show?

RG: Yeah man. Yeah I'll do it. (condescendingly) I'll write you a song and I'll do you a little dance and I'll sing Jolly Roger Piper fucking musicals all you like.

Bobby: That's great! The guys'll be thrilled. Give me a call when you have something.

RG: Oh I'll call you. I'll call you a fascist fuck pig!

Bobby: Yeah yeah that's great. (begins to exit right) I'll talk to you soon Ronnie Gunn.

RG: (once Bobby has exited Ronnie stands from his seated position slowly and respectfully and says almost in a whisper) Call me Ronnie. You have the right. Just Ronnie.

Girl: (pulls her head up off the floor a mere inch or two) Ah thnk imma bah seek.

RG: You swine! You fucking cow! Burn in hell you demonic twat!

(Goes black.)

7 - Caarma

(Sue Ellen hurriedly enters right and immediately calls out to others waving them in.)

Sue Ellen: Hurry! Get in here before the rays get you!

(Ellen and Nancy rush onto stage from right panting and exhausted. Sue Ellen slams the door shut behind them. All three women are dressed in clothing that completely covers their body in an attempt to conceal themselves from the sun.)

Sue Ellen: Every body ok?

Ellen and Nancy: (ad-libbing their OKs)

Sue Ellen: Good. We'll get that damned sun yet.

(All three begin to shed their outer layers to reveal that they are all dressed uniformly in outfits that verge on neo Nazism.)

Sue Ellen: All right. I call to order this meeting of Caarma. Did you both have your saline this morning?

Ellen: Yes sir.

Nancy: Yeah I did but god am I still hungry. What I wouldn't give for a cheeseburger right now.

(Ellen slaps Nancy in the back of the head.)

Ellen: Idiot! What's wrong with you?! We all must only eat synthetic food the way nature intended.

Sue Ellen: (proudly) Spoken like a true meegan.

Ellen: A proud meegan at that sir.

Sue Ellen: (to Nancy) You'd better get used to that saline drip soldier or you'll never make it in Caarma. (threateningly) Got it?

Nancy: Yes sir. It's only that my brother was over last night and he asked me if I was shooting up because of the track marks.

Ellen: Then use a catheter. That way you're ready to eat anytime and don't have to make your arm a pincushion.

Nancy: Yes sir.

Sue Ellen: Down to business. (to Ellen) Report?

Ellen: As of yet the sun is still shining in the sky brightly with no end in sight. I've began speaking with several scientists about the blocking of the sun but from my preliminary prodding I have been unable to find anyone in the scientific community that has research in any form towards stamping out the fiery menace.

Sue Ellen: This does not bring me joy. (to Nancy) Report?

Nancy: So far I can only find prescription sun block that will protect albinos. It doesn't seem like pharmaceutical companies are interested in making anything stronger.

Sue Ellen: Doesn't seem like? (yelling) I want to know for sure! Do whatever it takes to gather the info.

Nancy: Yes sir.

Sue Ellen: I'm sick of your yes sirs! People; the sun isn't going anyway by itself. Too long has that ball of plasma hung in the sky mocking us with its cancerous UVs and its blinding light. The sun is the number one cause of the reunification of beauty and if we cannot be beautiful on the outside then what hope do we have at existence?

Ellen: None sir!

Sue Ellen: We need a way to get the word out. We need to alert people to the dangers that the sun holds for us because there is strength in numbers and thus far it is just we three.

Nancy: But people already know the dangers of too much sun sir.

Ellen: But they don't know first hand what the sky devil can do! How many melanoma patients have you seen? (becoming frantic) How many have you had to see withered on their bed, their flesh the consistency of a couch while they moan in pain?! How many damn it?!

Sue Ellen: (to Ellen) Easy. We are not our enemy. (pointing upward) It is.

(At this all three bow their heads ceremonially.)

Ellen: I just see their faces. Every night in my dreams I see their brown, wrinkled faces and I think 'why damn you why'. I'll never be the same.

Nancy: Well maybe...

Ellen: But that was a long time ago and now I know the face of my enemy.

Sue Ellen: Yes.

Ellen: The enemy that causes our days to be hot and the enemy that causes our flesh to redden as lobsters.

Sue Ellen: (growing more excited) Yes!

Ellen: (louder) The enemy that squints our eyes and eats the paint off the tops of our cars.

Sue Ellen: (more excited) Yes!

Ellen: The enemy that will no longer plague us when we have finished and will rue the day that it shone its unwanted rays upon our planet!

Sue Ellen: YES!

Ellen: THE SUN MUST BE STOPPED!

Sue Ellen and Ellen: YEEESSSS!!!

(Sue Ellen and Ellen stop to look at Nancy who is not joining in.)

Nancy: (after a pause) Yes!

Sue Ellen: It is the time for action. We must rally the troops and begin our assault on the one that is called sun.

Ellen: From what I can gather the detonation of a nuclear device will cloud the sun darkening our skies.

Nancy: Wouldn't that kill everything though?

Sue Ellen: She's right but I like where your mind is.

Ellen: What about Alaska?

Nancy: It's cold.

Sue Ellen: And dark for large amounts of time.

Ellen: Yes but why?

Nancy: I believe it's the earth's tilted axis and Alaska's placement on the planet.

Sue Ellen: So if we could tilt the earth so this part of the planet is where Alaska is...

Ellen: Then we could be in darkness for much of the year.

Nancy: But how are we going to change the earth's tilt?

Sue Ellen: Money! We need money.

Ellen: But to get money we need a financial backer. I just don't pull in enough at the Coffee Crack for that.

Sue Ellen: There are lots of people with lots of money and all we have to do is find one or two who share our beliefs and have the proper connections to get the research started on how we can manage the blotting of the sun.

Nancy: Well it sounds like a publicity thing to me. If we can get the word out to a large enough audience then surely someone with money will agree with us and make contact.

Sue Ellen: Great to see you pitching in. Now how do we spread the word? How do we reach enough people in one fell swoop that someone like minded as we will see it and become aware of our existence?

Ellen: We can flier everyone's cars and put them up on every post lining the street.

Sue Ellen: That will waste paper and kill the trees.

Nancy: Wouldn't blocking out the sun do that anyway?

Ellen: (ignoring Nancy) What about an emailer? We could reach thousands like that.

Sue Ellen: That would waste electricity which is acquired through the burning of fossil fuels. Read your handbook.

Nancy: (sarcastically) We could have a saline sale.

Sue Ellen: (seriously) Then we'd be selling people on two ideological beliefs rather that one. Come on, think you two.

Ellen: What about the media?

Sue Ellen: Go on.

Ellen: If the press gets wind of our existence then they'll make it known to thousands and maybe even millions of people.

Nancy: What if they do a negative story?

Sue Ellen: (thoughtfully) Wouldn't matter. Our kind is used to being viewed as lepers by the commoner people that make up humanity. It's our genius and our beauty and their covetous nature that forces them to mock and hate us.

Nancy: I know a guy that just started making a pilot.

Ellen: Is that right?

Sue Ellen: How do you know this...man?

Nancy: We used to hang out before my Caarmic vow of celibacy. I called him up like I was supposed to call everyone I'd had sex with to let them know I wasn't going to be having sex anymore. We talked for a little while and he told me about a show he was working on.

Ellen: What's it called?

Nancy: 'Sex'.

Sue Ellen: At least you followed the handbook's code of calls. What you did before must be forgiven at the start of your new life as a Caarma. But perhaps some of your old misdoings will do well for us.

Nancy: What did you have in mind?

Sue Ellen: We protest the show before and after it is aired. We pelt the cast and crew with fake blood like the butchers we'll make them out to be.

Nancy: Why fake blood?

Ellen: Because we still have a bunch left over from the shows.

Nancy: Why don't we play music anymore?

Sue Ellen: The Menstruating Minstrels are over! Now we are Caarma and we have more important things to do than drugs and music.

Nancy: I really liked the band.

Sue Ellen: And now you are in something much greater! Now ready the blood and the picket signs for soon we will make 'Sex' wish it had never been conceived.

8) - Shooting

(To the left of the stage a shot is being set up by an arbitrary crew of workers. Bernie stands alone watching the crew from the right side of the stage when Ted and Susie enter from right.)

Ted: How's the shoot going Bern?

Bernie: Malignantly.

Susie: Where's Bobby boy wonder? Isn't this the big day for him?

Bernie: The seamstresses are sowing the seeds of his face. Why have you come here?

Ted: Why not?

Bernie: (thinks for a moment) You damned game player.

Susie: Is there anything we can do?

Bernie: The musician arrives today to get a 'feel' for what we do here. Placate him and keep him away from my muffins.

Susie: Are 'muffins' supposed to be some weird, autistic code for something Bernie?

Ted: He means the muffins the caterers bring every day. Bernie's taken to hording them. Quite taken with the muffins aren't you Bernie?

Bernie: Mmmyyess. Quite.

Ted: Where do we stand in the way of getting this thing in the can?

Bernie: Climax shot today. Then little bits of here and there and we are proctologists.

Susie: (sarcastically) Ha ha.

(With dire seriousness Bernie puts his face inches from Susie's.)

Bernie: You'd thank your damnedability if only you knew. HA HA indeed!

(Bernie walks over to the crew on the left.)

Susie: Wow. That was... unnecessary.

Ted: He's an odd one.

Susie: I thought he was supposed to be a visionary?

Ted: That too.

(Ronnie Gunn and Girl enter from right.)

RG: What is this cock wad?!

Ted: Oh wow. Ronnie Gunn you made it. Welcome to 'Sex'.

RG: You'll welcome shit from my asshole if I tell you to. Where's Bobby?

Ted: Makeup. We've got a little more shooting to do and then if I'm not mistaken we'll be done for the day.

(Girl goes limp onto Ronnie's shoulder and he must hold her up. Ted and Susie look at the pair with confusion.)

RG: Fuck you!

(Ronnie shakes Girl violently and she comes to.)

Girl: Ruunnniiee yu phuuuk!

(Bernie sees Ronnie and Girl and shouts to them.)

Bernie: Music man and maiden! Come here I have something for you.

Susie: (to Ronnie) But not his muffins.

RG: His muffins can eat (referring to Girl) her butt hole out.

(Ronnie and Girl go to left.)

Susie: Jesus this is getting ugly.

Ted: In a weird sort of way I'm starting to think this is how it has to be for it to work.

Susie: Wasn't that guy in a band a few years ago?

Ted: The dolphins video.

Susie: Yeah yeah. He was pretty big for a while what ever happened to him?

Ted: Dolphins.

Susie: Ah.

(From left.)

Bernie: Every one in place. Be ready for me. For me!

(Every one gets behind Bernie except the clapboard operator.)

Man with Clapboard: Sex, Episode One: My Crotch Smells Like Sex with You, Scene 27, Take 3.

(Man with Clapboard claps the board and joins the rest of the crew behind Bernie.)

Bernie: Go!

(Bobby enters from left dressed as a Columbian gorilla fighter with a machine gun in his hand. He should be as unrecognizable as possible. He speaks with a Mexican accent.)

Bobby: You can take the cake pandejo! I'll eat da pussy!

(Bobby fires his machine gun into the air joyously.)

Bernie: Red! Excellent Bobby! That was our meal. Good work.

Bobby: Thank you Bernie. Hey Ronnie you made it!

RG: Fuck!

Bobby: All right.

Ted: (shouting to left side of stage.) Great work Bobby! (to Susie) It is so amazing how differently the pilot turned out from what we'd initially planned to have it be. (to left stage) Bernie you're a genius!

Bernie: Soon you may say otherwise. Praise, like any good penis, comes in spurts.

(Left side goes quiet while Ted and Susie talk. The left side actors mime conversations and random actions.)

Susie: That was really something.

Ted: (animatedly) The 'money shot' so to speak.

Susie: (deprecatingly) So to speak. God that makes me think of someone I ran into this morning on my way here.

Ted: Who was it?

Susie: Just one of those creepy, won't stop talking to you guys. He awkwardly prattled on and on about nothing and I tried to be polite and talk with him but all I could muster was mono syllabic replies because all I could think about was how to end the conversation and get away from him. He'll probably go home tonight and jack off while thinking about me.

Ted: That would actually be the best case scenario.

Susie: That's so gross.

Ted: No really. It sounds like he was just lonely creepy so he'll think about you while masturbating and if he's comically pathetic enough he'll cry afterward. Where you're in trouble is if he consciously decides not to masturbate about you because that's the start of obsession. He'll put you up on some pedestal in his mind and the next thing you know you're finding dead puppies on your door step with love letters attached.

Susie: (dryly desensitized) Wow. Another lesson in male sexuality I could have done without.

Ted: You know you and Ned sound an awful lot alike sometimes.

Susie: Ned: now there's a winner. Does he really have to be a hard ass all the time?

Ted: Ned isn't the hard ass most people take him for he's just obsessive about a scheme when he gets one in his mind. The guy just doesn't have much to occupy himself: he doesn't have any hobbies, he hates conventional jobs so he doesn't have one, the guy's got no friends and no interests to talk to people or women about. He never tries to get himself laid because he doesn't see self-gratification as being a profitable accomplishment. He really doesn't have anything but these twisted, convoluted plots he dreams up so he throws himself into them completely. The downside is that when he looks at people he doesn't see people he sees instruments for achieving whatever nigh-impossible goal he's set for himself. But all in all he's not that bad a guy.

Susie: Is that why you're always around him? Because you know how decent of a person he really is?

Ted: I'm always around him because he's my brother. Neither one of us were ever that great at making friends so we kinda just always had each other. Plus with all the scheming he does there's always women along the way to keep me occupied. And one day it would be nice to be able to tell every day society to piss off because there are other means for achieving what I want and statistically speaking Ned's bound to pull off one of his plans eventually so it'll be nice to be there when he does.

Susie: So you can cash in?

Ted: So I can be there when it happens. I think his head would explode if he ever pulled off one of these little capers. It'd be nice to see the guy happy again.

Susie: (dryly) How noble. You're along for the ride so you can cash in and lay women.

Ted: You know what's great about sex with women? That first twenty minutes after it's over. There's a side to people you never get to see because they'll never let their guard down enough. But once the sex is over there's nothing left to hide behind. It's refreshing to me to see people with their guard down that way I get to remember that people as a whole aren't so cold-hearted as they'd like you to think.

Susie: I learned a long time ago that sex is much more worth while if you use it to control people. Sex is like cocaine; everybody from a bum on the street to lawyers in skyscrapers get off on it and are addicted to it. Every guy in this world can be dragged around by his dick and if I don't do it someone else will.

Ted: Well I can't exactly tell you how to live your life so do what you like.

Susie: That's it? No awe-inspiring philosophical evaluation of my personality?

Ted: Would it really make a difference if I told you my opinion? You wouldn't listen to it and you're too stubborn to take it into consideration and even if you did consider it you'd never admit to me that you did or continue the conversation with me. You'd just let it mull around in your head and then you'd apply the knowledge somewhere else. Trial and error. Trial and error. Then you'd realize that I may not have been right but I was definitely on the right track but by that time it'd be ten years down the line and you wouldn't even have my phone number any more. Is that prophetic enough for you?

Susie: I wasn't asking for prophecy I was looking for philosophical. But you are right about one thing; I am stubborn as hell.

Ted: (smiling) Well there you go.

(Bernie can be scene mimicking 'doggy style' humping motions while standing.)

Susie: So what do you think about our little cast and crew?

Ted: Bobby's a little lost in his own head I think. He doesn't know what to do with himself.

Susie: Notoriety will do that. But you have to admit Bobby does seem a little... well... flat and uninspired.

(Bernie takes Girl by the arm and places her in front of him mock humping her 'doggy style' to further prove whatever point he was making.)

Ted: He was pretty young when the whole Slammed Door thing took off. It happened to him when he was still trying to figure out who and what he was so it muddled everything up for him. He's a good kid but he does need to drop the Peter Seller's act and grow a little character for himself. It's hard for him though because Bobby has had too many people like him for a character he played and not enough people telling him they like the actor behind the part so he's lost sight of who he is.

Susie: So what do you think about Herr Directoŕ?

Ted: Bernie's great!

(Ted and Susie look over at Bernie just as Girl throws up from the motion of Bernie's pseudo humps.)

Susie: Oh that's wonderful.

Ted: I'm not cleaning that up.

(Ned enters from left.)

Ned: Great news... (notices what he almost stepped in) I... ugh (takes a few steps further to center stage). I have great news people. I have conned my way into a sit down with one of the heads at Manatee Studios and he's interested in 'Sex'.

All: (Random encouragements and self-congratulatory remarks except for Girl who goes limp once again into Ronnie's non caring arms. He drops her with a thud into her own vomit. No one notices or is concerned.)

Ned: How much longer for shooting Bernie?

Bernie: We're done captain!

(All look at him questioningly.)

Bernie: No seriously. We're done. We edit and maybe another scene or two and we're there.

Ned: The meeting's in three days so can have to have it ready by then?

Bernie: Not a problem one, führer.

Ned: Whatever does it for you. (to Ronnie) You're the soundtrack man?

RG: Aye.

Ned: Need anything?

RG: Your mother on...

Ned: Good. Tell Ted if you do. OK people; three days is the big day so let's get it in the can and get it over to Manatee!

(Ted giggles. Susie playfully slaps his arm and barely stifles her own laughter.)

Ned: Not a word Ted!

(All but Ted and Susie exit left.)

Susie: Ted when I first met you I thought you were the biggest douche bag in the world.

Ted: I get that a lot. I may think about sex all the time but I do have actual feelings too.

Susie: Maybe if you didn't try to stick that thing into every woman you saw maybe you wouldn't have such a hard time making friends huh?

Ted: Friends are overrated. I tried making friends once and I ended up having sex with all of them and it totally ruined the friendship. If I can base a friendship on sex however it's a good way to not let the sex get in the way.

Susie: You're never getting in my pants Ted.

Ted: I kind of figured.

Susie: What does that do to your friendship theory?

Ted: Exceptions can be made Susie. (they pause and look at one another affectionately) Let's go. We've got a meeting to prepare for.

(Ted and Susie exit left.)

9) Selling 'Sex' to the Executives Pt. 1

(At the entrance to the studio's offices. Caarma members {Sue Ellen, Ellen and Nancy} have gathered on the right side of the stage and walk in circles underneath a large umbrella with picket signs reading 'No More Sex' 'The Sun's No Fun' and 'We're Done With the Sun'. Ned, Ted and Susie enter from left.)

Ned: OK guys. We really have to wow them with our presentation. Other studios may be willing to air this show but I really don't want to have to shop around for better deals since all of our money will be coming from the advertisers anyway.

Ted: Sounds good to me.

Susie: I don't see a problem with it.

Ned: Susie the executives were only interested in speaking with the producers of the show. What are you doing here?

Susie: I'm paying for everything.

Ned: Oh. OK then.

Susie: (referring to Caarma) What's up with them. Protestors?

Ned: What are they protesting?

Susie: From the signs it's either us or they're some kind of radical, hippie Catholic group.

Ted: Oh I totally know one of them.

Ned: If they're protesting us how did they even know we were going to be here?

Susie: Duh. Ted just said he knew one of them. Don't you listen?

Ned: Ted! How could you tip these people off to us? The last thing we need is some kind of stumbling block in our way at this stage of production.

Ted: Don't worry about it Ned. If nothing else this'll be some good publicity for us.

Ned: How is this going to be good publicity for us Ted?!

Ted: It's publicity. I'll go over and talk to them and find out what's up. Hang on.

(Ted walks to the right side of the stage and signals for Nancy to meet him mid stage to escape both groups on each side. Nancy is obviously happy to see him.)

Ted: Hey Nancy how are you?

Nancy: I'm good Ted. Ready for the big meeting?

Ted: Little nervous but I'm sure we'll do fine. How's the protest going?

Nancy: Its ok I guess. I'm starting to think you were right about these guys. I don't think joining with them was the best of ideas.

Ted: It's just a shame. I mean you got along with them so well when you guys were just playing music.

Nancy: I know. From the looks of it there won't be any more music for a while. The both of them are so wrapped up with this activist crap I can't even get them to practice. Oh and sorry about the whole protest thing. I'd just like to fit in and when I told them you guys were coming by the studios today it really made me look good.

Ted: No worries. It's nice to get to see you again.

Nancy: (with slight mockery) Ahhh.

Ted: Yeah yeah. So are you going to keep up the Caarma thing with them?

Nancy: If it doesn't get better pretty quick I think I'm going to stop showing up to their meetings.

Ted: Are they still pushing that weird 'saline only' diet on you?

Nancy: Yeah but I'm still not going for it. I paint track marks on my arms with eye liner everyday just so they won't find out I haven't started yet.

Ted: I'm just glad you didn't give in to the celibacy thing.

Nancy: (knowingly) I'm sure you are.

Ted: Was I the first person you called about not having sex any more?

Nancy: You were the third. But you were the first person to invite yourself over to talk about it.

Ted: It didn't take very much convincing.

Nancy: Sometimes it's just easy to lose yourself in something if you don't have a good outside perspective you know?

Ted: Yeah I know. Glad I could be the voice of reason. So are you doing anything tonight? Feel like coming over and watching a movie?

Nancy: Oh is that what the kids are calling it these days?

Ted: (playfully) Maayyybe.

Nancy: If this thing doesn't go on for much longer I'd like to come by. Call me?

Ted: Indeed.

(Each walk back to their groups.)

Ned: So what did you find out?

Ted: Was I supposed to find something out?

Susie: (affectionately) Who's the girl?

Ted: (obviously taken with Nancy) That's just Nancy. We've been hanging out a little bit here and there.

Susie: That doesn't sound like the usual mercy hump story to me.

Ted: Nancy's cool. We're supposed to hang out tonight if the muff miser parade ends sometime soon.

Ned: Muff miser?

Ted: Yeah they all took a vow of celibacy.

Susie: What about Nancy?

Ted: Oh we're having sex. She's just in the group because they used to be a band and she doesn't want to stop hanging out with her friends.

Susie: Which band?

Ted: The Menstruating Minstrels. I saw one of the shows a few months ago and it was... interesting. During the first song they started hosing people down with fake blood that they sprayed out of these strap on dildos they were wearing. At least I hope it was fake blood.

Ned: (mockingly) Sounds like she's right up your alley there Teddy.

Susie: You have sex with girls when they're on their period?

Ted: (in defense) I'm not opposed to it. It just requires a little more clean up than usual.

Susie: Don't you go through a lot of sheets doing that?

Ted: Nah you just lay down a towel first and you're good.

Ned: We're getting a little off topic here. Are they going to be here through the whole meeting?

Ted: Probably but trust me we'll be ok. Just let me do the talking.

Ned: There is no way in hell I'm letting you do all the talking. These executives are professionals and they're used to dealing with professionals and you are certainly no professional.

Ted: Whatever you say. All I'm saying is let me do the talking.

Ned: No. Let's go. Susie?

Susie: You guys go ahead. I just saw a news van pull up so I think I'll hang around for a minute and see what happens.

Ned: Suit yourself. Let's go Tedrod.

(Ned and Ted walk toward and passed Caarma. As they walk by all three members chant their unified protest.)

Caarma: NO MORE 'SEX'! NO MORE 'SEX'! NO MORE 'SEX'!

(Susie exits left.)

Ellen: Was that your contact on the inside?

Nancy: Yeah that was Ted he's one of the producers on the show.

Sue Ellen: How do you know him?

Nancy: He used to come to our shows. I showered him in blood one night and it turned out to be an ice breaker.

Sue Ellen: Have you been remembering your vows sister?

Nancy: Pure as the driven snow.

Ellen: I smell the stink of man on this one.

Sue Ellen: Let's just remember why we're here. A news van just pulled up so get ready for action.

(Susie reenters from left dressed similarly to the Caarma members. She holds a picket sign which reads 'Look What the Sun Can Do'. The Caarma members look at her briefly but before they can say anything a news anchor with a camera man enters from left and approaches them.)

Anchor: (to camera) I'm reporting live from Manatee Studios where a group of protestors have assembled in response to... (Anchor looks at the protestors and the signs) something. (approaches Sue Ellen) Tell me: why you are here today?

Sue Ellen: We are Caarma and we believe that the sun is an evil, dangerous thing. Inside of this building as we speak to producers are pitching a show called 'Sex' which glorifies the use of the sun. Not only that but we have recently received word that they are including a dangerous and potentially fatal cosmetic procedure know as Sauk. The sun is cancerous and we are sick of advertisers unabashedly using it to sell their products.

Anchor: (to Ellen) And you?

Ellen: These men have filmed endless images of people basking in the sun. There are even children playing outdoors in their pilot. We can not stand by and let sun use be glorified like it's a good thing. It doesn't make you cool to be in the sun. The sun doesn't make people like you and it doesn't make you fit in. The sun is a terrible thing and we want it put to a stop.

(Anchor holds the microphone for Nancy to speak in to.)

Nancy: I'm just with them.

Anchor: (to Susie) And you miss?

Susie: (in an overly girly voice) We just plain don't like black people. Tee hee.

(All three Caarma members look at Susie in shock.)

Anchor: (to camera) And there you have it folks. The racist members of the group known as Caarma are petitioning for their racist beliefs. They are indeed racists. Racists. Back to you Tom.

(Without a word Anchor and the camera man exit left again.)

Susie: Thanks guys. Been fun.

(Susie exits left. Caarma members look at one another silently until their silence is broken by Sue Ellen shouting a blood curdling scream. Sue Ellen and Ellen then throw down their signs and exit left in pursuit of Susie. Once they have exited Nancy nonchalantly shrugs her shoulders, drops her sign and casually exits left.)

10) Selling Sex to the Executives Pt. 2

(On the right side of the stage a desk is set up with two chairs in front of it and one behind it. Ned and Ted enter from left being escorted by the studio head's assistant.)

Assistant: Right this way gentlemen. If you would just have a seat Mr. Jacobi will be with you shortly.

(Assistant exits left. Ned and Ted remain standing.)

Ted: Nervous?

Ned: Shut up. You're making me nervous.

Ted: It's ok Ned. Just relax and everything will go a lot more smoothly. Just let me do the talking and you can sit there like the eye candy you are.

Ned: Don't patronize me Ted and don't say a goddamned word in this meeting.

(Assistant reenters from left followed by the studio head.)

Assistant: Gentlemen, Mr. Jacobi

(Ned and Ted start to walk to Mr. Jacobi to shake hands but are waved away by him.)

Mr. J: Sit down I don't touch people.

(Ned and Ted uneasily take their seats. Mr. J takes his place behind the desk with his assistant standing over his shoulder.)

Mr. J: Now. Generally I don't do these meetings. I have lackeys whose names I don't bother to remember who talk to people like you and then they in turn report back to me. Buffers you see. But they're off on some panty raid today so I'm doing the meeting.

Assistant: You transferred them all to the mail room after they talked you into approving Laceration sir.

Ned: Oh wow I loved Laceration! That's the best show I've seen in years.

Mr. J: Yeah? I didn't like it. Not one bit. Intellectual drivel. Too many five syllable words. You know what people want to watch? Drunk Celebrities Tonight!. Best show I ever OKed. Old school. Late night talk show with celebrities getting loaded. Everybody likes celebs at their worst. Fill them full of bourbon and put them on live television and you've got magic. At least we'll have magic in two months when it airs.

Assistant: The pilot tested through the roof. (to Ned and Ted) In the first episode two fights broke out.

Mr. J: And Olivia Masterson vomited. Like she needed any help with that. But we're not here to wax each others knobs about old victories are we? What have you got for me boys?

Ned: Sir we have a pilot in hand that appeals to all age demographics. Any one who has seen this show...

Mr. J: Whose seen it?

Ned: (realizing his error but acknowledging he cannot back out of the question) Mostly people you wouldn't know.

Mr. J: Exactly. I don't know them and don't want to know them. Why do I care what people you know think about a show you've made. They were telling you what you wanted to here... (looks and points at Assistant)

Assistant: Ned.

Mr. J: Ned. Bottom line. I don't need another show that your buddies like. I need a show I can lube up and put in the competitions butt button. Savvy?

Ted: 'Sex'.

Mr. J: What about it? You like it. I like it. So what?

Ted: Precisely. That's the name of our show. 'Sex'.

Mr. J: 'Sex'?

Ted: (glamorously) 'Sex'! Sex is hot! Sex is new! Sex is in!

Mr. J: Sex is new?

Ted: It's the new intercourse.

Mr. J: (pondering) 'Sex'. I like it. It's sexy. What's it about.

Ted: Sex.

Mr. J: Whose in it?

Ted: Sexy people.

Ned: Bobby Blaylock.

Mr. J: Bobby Blaylock? Slammed Door kid?

Ned: Yes.

Mr. J: How did you manage that? Piss on his agent?

Ted: Ned did.

Mr. J: Do you like pissing on people?

Ted: Not particularly.

Mr. J: Good. They always say 'don't piss down my back and tell me it's raining'. Did you have sex with the agent?

Ted: No.

Mr. J: Good. Don't give up your morals to get what you want. The end doesn't always justify the means. What else can you give me boys?

Ned: You see what we were...

Mr. J: Stop right there... (looks and points at Assistant)

Assistant: Ned.

Mr. J: Ned. (to Ted) Why did you...

Ted: Ted.

Mr. J: Ted. Why did you bring your assistant with you into my office?

Ned: (outraged) Assis...!

Mr. J: You know what? I don't care. Your methods are your methods. Now... (points at Ted)

Ted: Ted.

Mr. J: What can you tell me about your little show Ted?

Ted: It's like Sex and the City but without the city. That way we won't be restricted to one place and we can have sex anywhere.

Mr. J: Good. We can find a cheap place to shoot it. Any where cheap.

Ted: People will have sex any where and people will watch people have sex any where.

Mr. J: What else?

Ted: We have none other that Ronnie Gunn doing the soundtrack for us.

Mr. J: Ronnie Gunn?

Ted: Ronnie Gunn.

Mr. J: Why that Ronnie Gunn is pure sex incarnate. That man could fuck my mother and I'd get a bowl of popcorn and watch.

Ted: That's Ronnie Gunn.

Mr. J: Met him once. Triumphant asshole.

Ned: He is that.

Mr. J: But what a musician. I'd never stop listening to his music. Would you?

Ted: Oh no sir.

Mr. J: (to Assistant) You?

Assistant: Never sir.

Mr. J: (to Ned, he begins to ask his opinion but changes his mind) I don't care about you. (to Ted) You...

Ted: Ted.

Mr. J: Ted my boy I like you. I think we can make music together. Sweet mother love making music. What do you say to that?

Ted: I say all right.

Mr. J: Excellent! Leave the pilot episode with my receptionist on your way out. Now go. You've got twelve episodes to make for me and I want them soon.

Ted: You won't be disappointed sir.

Mr. J: Of course I won't. I won't even remember this conversation in an hour. Now scram.

(Ned and Ted quickly exit left before Mr. J changes his mind.)

Mr. J: I feel good about this one. 'Sex' could be just what we've been looking for.

11 – Destructive Caarma

(Caarma enters from left.)

Sue Ellen: No one's here.

Nancy: They should be along some time soon. Ted said that they were all having dinner together to celebrate the show getting picked up but they're all supposed to come back to the set soon to continue celebrations.

(Ellen takes Sue Ellen aside from Nancy.)

Ellen: I think Nancy has gone over to the other side. I think she's helping them thwart us and that's why the news fiasco went down.

Sue Ellen: Nancy is weak. She always has been weak. Her betrayal comes as no surprise to me. But we can use her to our advantage so long as we can rely on her unreliability.

(Ellen and Sue Ellen rejoin Nancy.)

Nancy: So what is it we're doing here? I thought this would be the last place you guys would want to be.

Ellen: Don't you mean the last place we'd want to be?

Nancy: Why are we here?

Sue Ellen: I'm going to level with you Nancy. (opens her coat to reveal a large amount of explosives strapped to her chest) I have enough explosives here to take out this entire building and everyone in it.

Nancy: (oddly calm) Ummmm... why?

Ellen: Because it is evident to us now that the only way to get our message across to the populace is to martyr ourselves for our cause.

Sue Ellen: (with grandeur) We will show the world what happens when they mess with Caarma! The light of a thousand suns will reign down upon this land and will display the cruel power of our nearest star!

Nancy: You've got a nuclear bomb?!

Sue Ellen: No just some dynamite. Light of a thousand suns just sounded better in the letter I sent to the press.

Ellen: The press will set us free!

Nancy: You mean the press that labeled you a racist in less than Nancy0 seconds?

Sue Ellen: The wind of the press ebbs and flows like the ocean.

Ellen: (to Sue Ellen) Oh it's nice that you got to fit that into conversation.

Sue Ellen: I know. I hated that we had to cut that line out of the letter.

Ellen: I still haven't found a place to fit 'you'd better all gasp collectively'.

Sue Ellen: Too bad that's such a great...

Nancy: Are you two fucking crazy?! You're going to blow yourselves up with this building and everyone else inside because you hate the sun? How stupid is that?

Ellen: We are prepared to make great sacrifices for our cause.

Nancy: Can't you two just blog about your problems or something?

Ellen: Computers use electricity which pollutes our world.

Nancy: The sun makes everything on earth grow! How dumb are you to try to get rid of the sun? How were you planning on getting rid of it? Did you really just need a cause to take up? I promise you that there is plenty of things you can be trying to do that need people who are dumb enough to throw their lives away doing it.

Ellen: (to Sue Ellen) I told you she was a deserter.

Sue Ellen: You disappoint me Nancy.

Nancy: Goddamn. Why couldn't the two of you just be satisfied playing in the band? Wasn't that entertaining enough for you?

Sue Ellen: We were wasting away in The Minstrels. Our musical pursuits were vain indulgence that did nothing for the planet around us or the future generations.

(Ned, Ted and Susie enter from right.)

Ted: Nancy! What's up?

Nancy: Ted they've got a bomb and they want to blow everything up!

(Ellen slaps Nancy. Nancy stands in place shocked for a moment and then punches Ellen in the face knocking her to the ground. Nancy then confidently walks over to Ned, Ted and Susie.)

Ted: Jesus you just knocked the shit out of that girl.

Nancy: She had it coming.

Sue Ellen: (referring to Susie) You! You are the one that forced my explosive hand.

Susie: Oh it's you guys. The both of you could really use a drug habit to occupy your time.

Ned: Is that really a bomb on her chest?

Sue Ellen: You're goddamned right it's a bomb you swine! We'll all prick our veins with saline in hell tonight!

Ned: I don't understand anything that woman just said.

(Ellen finally rises to her feet.)

Ellen: I'm sick of all this! You people are our ticket to protestors' immortality. After our deaths people across the globe will shun the sun for the evil that it is and they will all remember us as the brave souls who stood up and said take your sun and shove it!

Nancy: What happened to you two? What the hell caused you to dive off the deep end into a pool of shit?

Sue Ellen: We're just thinking on a global scale now Nancy.

Ellen: Plus there was that really good documentary on the dangers of sun bathing.

Sue Ellen: (to Ellen) That was so great wasn't it?

Nancy: You watched a documentary and ran with it? We are so over!

Sue Ellen: (grandly) We're all over once I press this button! (holds the detonator high in the air.)

(Ronnie Gunn casually enters from right dragging Girl limply under one arm.)

RG: Well well well. If it isn't Miss Menstrual.

Sue Ellen: That's Missus Menstrual to you! I'm married to my philanthropy now Ronnie Gunn.

Ned: You two know each other?

RG: (to Ned) You are an ass. (looks up at Sue Ellen while still speaking to Ned) Hole.

Sue Ellen: What are you doing here Ronnie?

RG: I'm making the soundtrack for this rat trap of dung and bung.

Ellen: What the hell is going on here?

Sue Ellen: (to Ellen) Speak when spoken to. (to Ronnie) It's been a long time Ronnie Gunn.

(Ronnie drops Girl to the floor with a thud.)

RG: Indeed it has.

(Ronnie and Sue Ellen stride purposely toward center stage and once they meet they begin to kiss passionately.)

Ellen: (in tears to Sue Ellen) How could you do this to me?! To me? This isn't over! If I am the only member of Caarma left then I will carry on its name and goal! I will pledge my life to the extermination of the sun! And I will start with this bomb!

(Ellen grabs the detonator from Sue Ellen which does not stop her necking session in the least. All except for Sue Ellen, Ronnie and Girl gasp collectively.)

Ellen: You'd better all gasp collectively!

(Ellen presses the button on the detonator to reveal she has accidentally grabbed a cigarette lighter from Ronnie Gunn's pocket.)

Ellen: Noooo! A cigarette lighter! I can feel the evil coursing through me. So many lit cigarettes from this tool of ultimate evil. Damn you Ronnie Gunn for your smoking! Damn you to hell!

(Ellen falls to the floor writhing in pseudo pain. After a moment of twitching she slithers off left.)

Nancy: Good riddance.

Ned: What the fuck is going on?

Susie: The protestors outside Manatee Studios.

Ned: Yeah.

(Ronnie and Sue Ellen make their way to the floor still necking.)

Susie: They were going to blow the place up.

Ned: Yeah. Why?

Ted: They don't like the sun?

Ned: They want to blow up a TV set where we're shooting a show called 'Sex' because they want to protest the sun?

Nancy: That's about it.

Ned: You were helping them.

Ted: She just wanted to fit in.

Nancy: Yeah but you know sometimes it's just not worth it. I know why I did it; I didn't want my friends to do something without me. I loved being in The Menstruating Minstrels but that time is over now. I just wanted more than anything for it to go on forever but sometimes things don't work out like you'd like them to. Good times don't last forever but I have to learn to embrace change because change will happen with or without me.

Susie: So who wants to have a few drinks and watch these two have sex?

Ted: I'm up for it. Feel like hanging out Nancy?

Nancy: I don't see why not.

(Susie, Ted and Nancy all exit right.)

Ned: Does no one realize that that woman still has a bomb strapped to her chest? Hello?

(Ned exits leaving Ronnie and Sue Ellen necking in the floor and Girl laid out passed out.)

12 – It Hurts to Set You Free

(Ted and Nancy enter from left holding hands.)

Ted: So any word from your former colleagues?

Nancy: I haven't heard a peep. Wasn't Ronnie and Sue Ellen spending a lot of time together?

Ted: They were but I haven't seen her around lately. I can't imagine Ronnie Gunn being that great of a guy to be around all the time.

Nancy: He's such an intolerable ass.

Ted: Yeah but such a great musician.

Nancy: He is that. As far as Ellen goes I haven't the foggiest what she's up to. After last week I'm guessing she's probably plotting her revenge and trying to recruit new Caarma members.

Ted: She's plotting revenge against us?

Nancy: I doubt it. Her attention span isn't that long so she's more than likely moved on to the next cause by now.

Ted: In a week?

Nancy: That girl could get sprayed by a sprinkler and have a new cause to fight about.

(Ned and Susie enter from right.)

Susie: Ahhh. Look at the cute couple.

Ned: Makes me want to vomit my power bar breakfast.

Susie: Oh shut up. What's wrong with showing a little affection?

Ted: Hey Ned. Hey Susie.

Susie: What are you guys up to?

Ted: Just strolling around.

Susie: I think Ned here has something he'd like to tell you Ted.

Ned: (eyeing Susie venomously) Thank you Susie. Ted I'm leaving the show so you're going to have to take over full producer responsibilities.

Ted: What?! Why?

Ned: I'm sure that you're aware now that the Sauk idea tanked. Somehow the Caarma business on the news turned people against the product placement in the pilot immediately and after we opened the first Sauk salon it tanked. It would seem that the old methods of the tan are a bit more resilient than I had suspected. I've decided to accept an offer from Groughten, Groughten & Sod to be an aggressive foreclosure specialist.

Ted: Why would you want to do that?

Ned: Because I can purchase the houses myself out from under G G & Sod and sell them myself. I'm two days into the job and I already own a sixteenth of the lower east side.

Ted: But that's all slums.

Ned: Precisely.

Ted: I don't follow.

Ned: You don't have to. All you have to do is take over the show if you want to keep it up.

Ted: Keep it up? 'Sex'? Of course I want to keep it up.

Ned: All right then. Susie will still be with you though now that Manatee's check has cleared I'm unsure what her duties will consist of.

Susie: We're starting episode three tomorrow and my character will be introduced. I thought I might finally give my acting a shot since I've been pretending to be a loving wife to four different husbands.

Ted: You can stay as long as you like Susie doing whatever you want to do.

Ned: (sarcastically) How noble of you Tedrod.

Nancy: (to Susie and Ned) You two really should spend more time together. I swear it's eerie to see you in the same room. Until Ted told me differently I thought (to Susie) you were Ned in drag.

Susie: Hey! What the hell is that supposed to mean?

Ted: Just that you two think a lot alike.

Susie: If I can reach a point where I can stand to be in a room with Ned for more than five minutes then I'll be afraid that hell has indeed frozen over.

Ned: Sorry to dash your hopes kids but it'll take another Nancy0 years for me to make enough money for Susie to want to be with me.

Susie: At the rate you're going it'll never happen.

Ted: Where am I going to be able to find you Ned?

Ned: Don't sound so feeble. This is the age of cell phones. Call when you need something.

Susie: Ted I guess you didn't get to see Ned's head explode.

Ted: No I guess not. He'll never let himself think he's accomplished anything.

Ned: I have finally detached myself from you bottom feeders. That, I think, is quite an accomplishment.

Susie: Don't act like such a hardass Ned. We all know you're not.

Ned: Your mother's a hardass.

Susie: Wouldn't doubt it. She's been dead for Sue Ellen0 years.

Ted: OK you too. Listen, Nancy and I are going to grab some dinner. You guys want to join us and celebrate Ned's big break?

Ned: I don't think so.

Susie: Thanks but no thanks Ted. You guys go ahead. I've got some work to do myself.

Nancy: We'll see you on set tomorrow then Susie. See you around Ned.

(Ned grimaces.)

Ted: I'll talk to you soon Ned Hettie.

(Ted and Nancy exit left.)

Susie: Ned Hettie?

Ned: Don't ask.

Susie: What would you like to do tonight Hettie?

Ned: Please don't call me that.

Susie: I'll stop calling you that when you tell me why he calls you Hettie.

(Ned and Susie start walking off stage right.)

Ned: I don't think so Susie Q.

Susie: (playfully) You bastard.

(Susie wraps Ned's arm around her waist as they both exit right.)

The End
We Can't Die
SCENE I THEY'RE GONNA LAY ME LOW

Spotlight rises stage left on BARKER, a television pitchman/carnival barker, who stands atop a crate and speaks as though he pitches to a crowd below him.

BARKER

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls! Not since the abolition of death itself has there been a product so profound or a service so significant. Say goodbye to unwanted regeneration of life. I present to you NEW AWAKENINGS. New Awakenings from this day forth will change the way you choose your disposal and define the way you design your care.

Unlike government facilities that promise 'long rest' and 'probable non-return' we at Touchstone's New Awakenings Home for the Appointed offer a 99.9% guarantee that your remains will remain that way. Our patented disbursement method scatters your ashes over oceans, through deserts, AND across mountain tops.

Afraid your dismemberment will lead to painful reattachment?! No worries with New Awakenings. We cremate you, we sift your ashes not once, not twice, not even three times; we sift through your ashes FOUR times to eliminate any possibility of solid waste. That's no bones, no tissue, no organs. GONE!

Then its time for the New Awakenings process to begin. One spoonful dissolved into water and poured down the drain. GONE!

One spoonful mailed to a distant country where it will be scattered to the wind. GONE!

One spoonful will be sent to farmers in Iowa for use in their fertilizer. GONE!

Stop worrying about bothersome returns to the land of the living. Government agencies promise finality but they place your parts in landfills. What happens when your arm finds your torso?! They reconnect. You don't want that. I don't want that. Your loved ones especially don't want that. With conventional methods over time your molecular makeup will reconnect and respawn another version of you. And that could take years and years of you being a grotesque mutant, stuck baying on the in between stages of evolutionary resurgence. And ew!

Who wants that? Do you want that?!

I sure don't.

Detractors say New Awakenings doesn't work; they say the water cycle will eventually reunite your atoms and New Awakenings only leads to slower, more painful rebirth. Though New Awakenings hasn't been scientifically proven to be 100% effective in the fight against rebirth it hasn't been scientifically dis-proven either. Make an appointment for your appointment at Touchstone's New Awakenings Home for the Appointed.

Finalize your final day with New Awakenings.

Spotlight dims on Barker while testimonial voices are played over sound system. As the light dims on Barker the volume of voices is lowered along with the spotlight.

As spotlight dims on Barker lights come up on HOB and ELEANOR stage right. They sit before a television watching the infomercial for New Awakenings. Stage lights are muted blue to signify they sit watching late night television with only the glow of their TV to light their living room. They lean on one another dispassionately, as though their significant other was another cushion on the couch.

Once testimonial voices are lowered to the point of Barker's spotlight to be off and muted blue risen completely voices should take on a hollow sound to show they emanate from the television. Lowering of spotlight and raising of muted blue should occur at equal speeds.

Hob and Eleanor's appearance is largely insignificant. They are both mid 20's to mid 30's and should be no further than five years apart in age. They are common, their look should be normal; they are 'normal' people.

TESTIMONIAL AD LIB 1

New Awakenings changed. My. Life.

TESTIMONIAL AD LIB 2

I was a skeptic. I was.

TESTIMONIAL AD LIB 3

When I decided to take my life experience to the next level there was no other option for me when I learned about New Awakenings.

TESTIMONIAL AD LIB 4

The staff was friendly and knowledgeable. The prices were affordable. I don't know why anyone would want to use a different solution.

Testimonial ad-libs fade out.

Hob/Eleanor sit zombified by the television as a moment of silence passes before being broken by dialogue. They are lethargic in their cadence for this scene.

HOB

We should do that.

ELEANOR

Do what?

HOB

New Awakenings.

Eleanor thinks a moment.

ELEANOR

Why?

HOB

We should do it together.

ELEANOR

... ... ...

HOB

It would be... nice. To do something like that together.

ELEANOR

Yeah but death is so drastic. Why don't we just get married?

HOB

No one gets married anymore.

ELEANOR

So what?

HOB

Is this that whole vintage thing again?

ELEANOR

So people don't get married anymore. That's no reason why we shouldn't.

HOB

Marriages didn't work back then and they sure as shit don't work now. Who would want to be married to one person forever?

ELEANOR

Death is forever.

HOB

So?

Eleanor is shaken from her television stupor and sits up straight on the couch going on the defensive.

ELEANOR

What do you mean 'so'? When you're dead its forever. If you get married its forever. Same thing.

HOB

Its totally not the same thing.

ELEANOR

You're right. Its not the same thing.

HOB

What's more romantic- {Eleanor lets out a heard-it-all-before sigh} What?! Marriages don't last Eleanor. They didn't work then, they don't work now. People only got married back then because they thought they had to.

ELEANOR

{mockishly} Yeah. And no one gets married now because when you can't die it'll never be over with.

HOB

I want to be with you in eternity.

ELEANOR

Hob. We can live right here, right now and never have to die and always be together. Why do we have to die to be together for eternity?

HOB

Because this isn't working!

Hob instantly regrets his aggressive tone even before Eleanor stops for a moment then sadly rises from the sofa to wander the room.

Hob stares before him a moment not watching Eleanor wander. His tone changes but his resolve does not.

HOB (CONT'D)

Well its true. Its not working right now and getting married isn't going to change that.

Hob looks to Eleanor and waits for a response. When receiving none he keeps pressing his point.

HOB (CONT'D)

But dying might. {pause} And we can do it together. {pause} And if we die together then we'll be together.

ELEANOR

How do you know?

Hob sinks back into the couch in frustration.

ELEANOR (CONT'D)

No! How do you know?! How do you know we'll be together? How do you know dying won't be the biggest mistake you ever make and how do you know that you aren't asking me to make the biggest mistake I'll ever make?

HOB

I don't know! That's the point. You're what? 136 years old?

ELEANOR

{annoyed he is wrong} 138.

HOB

And how often do things change?

ELEANOR

Sometimes. Like when I met you a lot more ignorance and fear of commitment entered my life.

HOB

What are you talking about?! I want to die with you and I've got a fear-

ELEANOR

Oh so its for the both of us together huh? Wrong. You want me to die with you. If you don't wanna live anymore then don't-

HOB

Just listen.

Hob rises from the couch and crosses to Eleanor. He talks her hands into his.

HOB (CONT'D)

I don't want to fight about this. Its something I want for us. I won't do this without you because its not me being selfish, its me wanting to take our relationship to the next level.

Eleanor breaks away from Hob which doesn't deter his convincing cadence.

HOB (CONT'D)

We won't make it like this. This'll be over soon but I care enough to try to keep that from happening.

ELEANOR

You don't even have any money. How would you afford-

HOB

My mom. She'll give us the money for it.

ELEANOR

And how are we going to get there? She giving us a plane too?

HOB

We'll walk.

ELEANOR

We'll walk? Across two states we'll walk?

HOB

Why not? Its not like we need a place to stay and I'm kinda sick of eating all the time anyway.

ELEANOR

Oh god you really are your mother aren't you?

Hob approaches her once more and rubs her arms affectionately.

HOB

Just sleep on it ok? Will you just think about it?

She is still despondent. Hob sees this and jokes to bring her out of it.

HOB (CONT'D)

C'mon. You know all your girlfriends will be jealous that you have a boyfriend who'll die with you.

ELEANOR

My friends are bright enough not to have boyfriends.

HOB

Just think about it. Because there isn't anyone else in this world I want to die with.

INTERLUDE I

A spotlight stage right. Nothing is there save for empty space.

OLD MAN enters left in darkness. He slowly walks across the stage, heavy footfalls thudding across through the dark accompanied by hard drops of his cane on the stage floor.

Eventually Old Man stands in the ray of light.

OLD MAN

One day my wife of 47 years awoke and couldn't get out of bed. I called the doctor, when there was such a thing, and he came to our home. He checked her out with stethoscopes and tested her blood pressure twice before calling an ambulance to take her to the hospital. When there still were hospitals to be taken to. She had cancer in her lymph nodes but there was a specialist three states away who was good with such things so off she went. The specialist was in St. Louis which is where I'm from and brother's wife was there by her bedside before I could be. Ran a wholesale business in those days and I always took on too much work myself when I should've delegated on to others, at least that's what my wife used to say. So it was a week before I could make it over there to be with her when she needed me as I had things to attend to before I could take a leave of absence.

The whole week seemed normal in all respects except that a few times a day I got a call from my sister-in law to let me know my wife was dying and there wasn't much could be done. 'Too advanced' is the phrase that everyone kept saying to my sister-in-law so 'too advanced' was what she kept saying to me.

That and 'hurry'.

So I flew to St. Louis, back home. And when the plane landed I called my sister-in-law who'd told me there wasn't much change and it was late so I might as well get a room somewhere and come by in the morning to talk to the doctors. I got to the hotel and it was a lot later than I'm usually awake but I couldn't sleep from too much thinking about my wife. For the last week its all that had been on my mind but I was able to handle it 'cause it was so far away. It didn't seem real to me til I landed in St. Louis and knew that only a few blocks away... well I couldn't sleep.

Ended up at the hotel bar drinking alone. Still couldn't get her out of my mind but I had to, I couldn't let her see me like that. Then I remembered my old friend Nancy.

Nancy'd always had a thing for me and truth be told it was mutual. But I never acted on it 'cause I was a married man and married men shouldn't be seeing women like that when they loved their wife. I called up Nancy because she didn't know what was going on; ah just needed someone to talk to that didn't know what was going on with my wife. All week it was calls from my sister-in-law who had such pity in her voice, employees walking on eggshells out of sympathy for me; hell the boys at my pub even passed around a card for me like she was already dead. But Nancy... I hadn't talked to her in years.

Nancy showed up just like I knew she would and Nancy did what she always did; she talked and talked and talked, which is precisely what I needed at that very moment. And while she was talkin' I'd remember all those times I thought about her; a married man can daydream so long as he doesn't act on it and Nancy was a reverie I could go years without indulging in but I was always one bad fight away from coming back to the thought of her. Well all those old thoughts came back all at once and she ended up staying the night in my room.

I went to the hospital the next day. Stood over her bed and listened to the machine breathe for her, saw the tubes down her throat. I felt guilty; guilty because she was sick instead of me, guilty cause there was nothing I could do for her, guilty cause I'd been with another woman and I liked it. I sat down next to that hospital bed and I held her hand. It was cold but her hands were always cold. If I closed my eyes I forgot about everything for a second... but just for a second. The machine beeped when her heart beat and it woke me out of thinking things were the way they used to be. The way they still shoulda been.

She died the next day. I stumbled my way through the doctors' 'Did what we could do's and their practiced condolences. I hugged everyone who hugged me and signed all the papers I needed to sign. When I was walking down the hallway trying to get away from that place I noticed everyone around me seemed to be walking in the same direction and that's the direction my feet ended up taking me 'cause my mind sure wasn't on where I was going.

In the waiting room everyone was glued to the TV. There was some scientist with a big grin on his face proclaiming they'd finally done it, they finally cured death. No one ever had to die again. Nancy and I ended up getting married because when you got to be our age you just went ahead and got married, no time to dilly dally with the details. Least back when you could still die if you got old enough. I was married to Nancy but it just wasn't ever the same. She knew it even if she never said anything about it. We both got the treatment done so we're both still livin' long past our predetermined years.

She got it so she could keep on living. I got it so I wouldn't have to face my wife... ... so I wouldn't have to face Doreen. I know she'd understand what I did. She was still alive but she might as well've already been dead. Its me that's the problem. I don't wanna die cause I don't wanna have to face her again. Or maybe just because its been so long since I've seen her I don't know what I'd do.

After a remorseful pause Old Man turns and walks out of the light once more. His footfalls and his thumping cane marks his path to exiting left.

Spotlight drops.

SCENE II DINER AT THE END OF THE UNIVERSE

Lights rise on a greasy spoon diner; a diner that doesn't have to try to be 'retro' or 'classic' because its existed since yesteryear and simply never updated the decor. Regular customers know the staff by name, an inhospitable cook toils away before a steaming flattop that splatters even more stains on his already spotted apron that seems always in need of a wash, black coffee is refilled, chipped ceramic plates create dull thuds when settled onto a table by wholesome waitresses who've tended tables there for years. Adorning the walls are black & white photographs of men in button ups and ties standing next to their 50's era cars. The clock has a fisherman in a boat for its face and is notorious for not keeping time. The cash register is a push button having never been upgraded to a POS computerized system; there just never seemed to be a need to do so.

Centerstage is a table with two chairs on each side.

Hob/Eleanor enter from right. Hob is obviously annoyed by something and hateful, Eleanor is trying to ignore him best she can.

HOB

... been telling you for an hour that I'm starving and its {mockish aping} 'Let's just go a little further. Let's just get into the next town.'

Hob/Eleanor sit at the table on opposite sides.

HOB (CONT'D)

Jesus Christ all I wanted to do was eat.

WAITRESS approaches with two menus and places them on the table before the couple. She then removes a paper order pad from the pocket of her waist apron.

WAITRESS

How are we doin' today?

HOB

{absently} Fine.

ELEANOR

He's grumpy because he's hungry and I'm having to hear about it. Hopefully eating will improve his mood so he doesn't let it ruin our whole day.

Hob looks at Eleanor while speaking to Waitress.

HOB

I'll need a minute to decide what I want.

Eleanor looks up at Waitress while speaking to her.

ELEANOR

Me too. Thanks.

Waitress exits with a more-than-I-wanted-to-hear expression.

There's a moment of silence at the table while Hob stews in his anger. Then he breaks silence.

HOB

Why do you do that?

ELEANOR

{genuinely} Do what?

HOB

Why do you wait to tell complete strangers that something I'm doing is getting on your nerves instead of just telling me about it?

ELEANOR

Why do you wait until said strangers leave before you tell me that something I'm doing is getting on your nerves?

Hob stews for another moment while staring at her before turning his gaze onto his menu. He can't focus on it because Eleanor has gotten under his skin and he promptly drops the menu on the table to continue the argument.

HOB

Why can't you just tell me I'm being an asshole when I'm being an asshole. That's all I want.

ELEANOR

If I told you you were being an asshole it'd just make you worse.

HOB

No it wouldn't. I'd be pissed for a minute, think about what I'm doing, then say 'You know what El, you're right. I am being an asshole. Thank you for being a removed, outside perspective and thank you for loving me enough to help me help myself.' Instead you just bottle up resentment toward me and turn that resentment into mockery every time other people are around.

ELEANOR

Hob?

HOB

When people love each other that's what they do; they help the other get past all the petty bullshit that everyone else just let's slide because they don't care enough to say anything about it.

ELEANOR

Hob?

HOB

What?

ELEANOR

You're being an asshole.

Hob shakes his head and returns to his menu.

Waitress returns to table.

WAITRESS

Have we decided yet?

Hob hands his menu to Waitress as he rises.

HOB

I'll have an omelet dinner plate. No onions, extra peppers. {steps away from table} Where's the bathroom?

WAITRESS

{pointing stage left} Right over there.

Hob turns and exits left.

WAITRESS (CONT'D)

And you hon?

ELEANOR

I guess you don't have tacos huh?

WAITRESS

{smiling} No we sure don't.

Eleanor hands menu to Waitress.

ELEANOR

How about chocolate chip pancakes?

WAITRESS

Chocolate chip pancakes.

Waitress turns to leave but Eleanor calls to her.

ELEANOR

Say... or you... married?

WAITRESS

You kids having problems?

ELEANOR

You could say that. Its just... nothing I do ever seems to please him. He's in a fowl mood all the time and I don't-

WAITRESS

Its not hard to keep a man happy dear. Just remember: keep his balls empty and his belly full.

ELEANOR

Oh.

WAITRESS

Yep. You do that and you'll never have any troubles.

ELEANOR

Thanks.

WAITRESS

You're welcome.

Waitress walks away as Hob re enters from left and sits back down at the table.

Hob seems calmer now, he's taken a well needed moment away from Eleanor. His mannerisms convey this; he pulls his seat out more gently, the tension in his face/body has lightened, he seems overall more relaxed.

ELEANOR

You seem better.

HOB

Yeah. Yeah I just needed a sec.

ELEANOR

What was it you ordered?

HOB

Omelet dinner.

ELEANOR

Will that fill you up?

HOB

{suspiciously} Yeeeaaahhh.

ELEANOR

{knowingly} 'Cause we should really get you nice and fed.

HOB

This is about my mom isn't it?

ELEANOR

What... no its just I... the waitress-

HOB

God... damn it El. Look I know her... ... diet's a little strange but you don't need to make fun of her about it.

ELEANOR

I'm not!

HOB

Yes you are!

ELEANOR

My god all I wanted to do-

HOB

Just don't ruin this for me alright?! Jesus. This is the last time I'm going to see her you know and I don't want you screwing that up.

ELEANOR

Hob. It doesn't matter to me your mom-

MOM and GRANDMA enter from right. Mom is incredibly thin, middle aged, and carries a painted on perpetual grin that could only be removed via sandblaster; a smile that never leaves her face no matter how horrific her dialogue (remember her cheery disposition during delivery/while reading). She's a starving Stepford wife on diet pills; she's surreal in her demeanor. Grandma is an elderly woman in a wheel chair who is so feeble she looks as though she may shatter at any moment. Her movements are slow and wrought with tremors. Grandma's dialogue should be completely deadpan, all she says she says with the utmost sincerity with a touch of hatred toward prolonged life.

HOB

You know you don't have to be {notices Mom and Grandma} there they are. Be nice ok? For me?

ELEANOR

No.

Hob gives only a shallow glance at her obvious facetiousness as he rises courteously for his mother and grandmother. Eleanor follows suit and goes to Hob's side of the table so they may sit side-by-side once seated.

HOB

{calling over} Mom.

MOM

Oh there you are.

Mom pushes Grandma to the table and all sit down.

MOM (CONT'D)

Eleanor how are you dear?

ELEANOR

I'm well Mrs. Gadling.

MOM

Oh please dear. I haven't been Missus Gadling since my husband let me for a man.

ELEANOR

{obviously uncomfortable} Heh.

MOM

And the things he made me do to him in bed before he left. Sweetie it would just curl your nose hairs.

Waitress approaches to take Mom/Grandma's orders.

WAITRESS

{to Mom} Can I get you something to eat?

MOM

ICE! Lots and lots of ice. Warm ice if you have it.

WAITRESS

Ummmmmm. Water?

MOM

Ice dear.

WAITRESS

Sure. {to Grandma} And you ma'am?

GRANDMA

A bullet. I'd love to eat a bullet right now.

MOM

{to Waitress} Nothing for her thanks. {to table} I'm taking her out tonight since we're celebrating. {to Hob} Its your grandmother's 183rd birthday tomorrow. Yaaaayyyy. {to Grandma} And you'll never believe the present I got you mom.

GRANDMA

The sweet, sweet release of death?

MOM

Hahaha. Ohhhhhh you.

Waitress exits with a what-a-bunch-of-weirdos expression.

HOB

Well mom, thanks for meeting us here.

MOM

You're welcome dear. I just don't know why we had to meet here, the smell of all this food is making me want to vomit and shit at the same time.

HOB

Sorry mom, I was starving.

MOM

A little bit of starving would do you good dear. I haven't eaten in seventeen years and I feel miserable. All the time. But its so worth it.

HOB

{in dismissive defeat} Yeah sure mom.

MOM

{to Eleanor} You too honey. You're starting to look a little flush with food yourself.

Eleanor looks at Mom with a wide eyed glare, its not hatred its just she'd forgotten how socially shocking it could be to be around Hob's mother.

HOB

Um. So mom there is a reason I wanted to meet you here.

MOM

{not paying attention} Where is that waitress? I'd stomp an orphan for my ice right now.

HOB

Mom, Eleanor and I have decided to die.

Mom looks at Hob but doesn't drop her smile or register any true emotion.

GRANDMA

Good for you... you lucky son of a bitch.

MOM

Oh mom, just because his father made me watch him have sex with all those men all at the same time doesn't mean you should call him names.

GRANDMA

I was talking about you! You skinny bitch. Push me off a cliff already! Um sick ah living!

MOM

I'd never do that mom. You'll never leave me. {leans in to Grandma} We'll be together forever. And ever and ever and ever.

HOB

{to Grandma} I don't think falling off a cliff would do it Grandma. That's why El and I are going to New Awakenings. They have a whole cremation process where they burn you up and scatter-

MOM

{to Eleanor} Don't you want to have a baby dear?

ELEANOR

Oh. Jeez. Um... no, not really.

GRANDMA

Yeah! That's it, have a baby! Then this miserable daughter of mine will trade up for a younger pet person. And I can die!

MOM

{to Grandma in a cutesy, baby talk voice} Sounds like somebody wants to go to the cellar for a week.

GRANDMA

You wretched-

HOB

Mom, Grandma. You're never going to see me again, can't you-

MOM

What do you mean I'll never see you again? People don't die like they used to. Too bad since I'd love to take a knife and-

Eleanor has obviously begun restraining herself from becoming involved in the Hob/Mom back-and-forth, even though she'd really love to tell Mom off.

HOB

Aren't you listening? We're... El and I... we're going to go be killed.

MOM

Sure you are dear. Just like your father promised to be married to me for our eternity on this earth. Just like he never made me cut off one of his testicles so he could-

ELEANOR

{to Hob} I don't think this is going to get better.

HOB

Can't you just be a good mother for once?! Je-sus at least wipe that stupid grin off your face when your son tells you he's never going to see you again!

MOM

I can't dear, the staples on the back of my head won't let me.

ELEANOR

Hob we should just go.

HOB

What makes you think this is the way to treat your son?!

MOM

Hobby hon, what is it I'm supposed to do? You tell me what a good mother is and I'll be that.

ELEANOR

{unable to take Mom's neglect toward Hob, tired of biting her tongue} You wanna know what a good mom is? When I was a kid I used to lose my toys. And I always seemed to lose the loudest, most obnoxious toys which are always the ones a kid plays with most. When I was a little older I was poking around my mom's house one day and I found all the toys. Right there, all in one place were all those loud wonderful toys I had lost when I was a kid. Then I realized that I didn't lose them, my mom hid them from me because they drove her nuts. A good mom will hide a kid's loudest, most obnoxious toys because she'll never have the heart to just throw them away.

Silence ensues. No one knows what to say. All but Grandma look at one another. Then their gaze hits the table unable to look at one another any longer. Some begin looking around, some listless look at the menu or start lightly tapping their fingers on the table. Grandma stares forward the entire time and then breaks the long silence.

GRANDMA

Kill me.

All at once:

MOM

Mom don't you-

ELEANOR

Oh Jesus Christ! Hob-

HOB

Is this really how-

MOM

\- ever think of anything-

ELEANOR

\- why are we even-

HOB

\- you want me to remember-

MOM

\- but yourself? My husband-

ELEANOR

\- here? What sense does it-

HOB

\- me?! Don't you want to-

MOM

\- made me break off broomsticks-

ELEANOR

\- make to try and-

HOB

THAT'S IT!!

Cacophony of voices cease.

Hob rises angrily with Eleanor's hand in his, coaxing her to do the same.

HOB (CONT'D)

Mom we're leaving. GOODBYE!!

Hob turns and storms off toward right jerking a surprised Eleanor into motion behind him.

GRANDMA

Take me to die with you you ungrateful bastard!

ELEANOR

Hey what about-

Hob stops just before exiting to shout at Mom.

HOB

You deserve all the bad shit that happens to you!

Hob/Eleanor exit right.

Mom sits for a moment with her skin stretched grin and registers no heartache as she stares at stage right exit. A long moment passes before she turns to Grandma.

MOM

{ever cheerful demeanor} Wherever is that waitress with my ice?

Lights go down.

INTERLUDE II

Spotlight shines either stage left or right. Already Mother stands in its blaring light with her ever-present grin stretched across her face; her gallows grin, smiling with her mouth but not her eyes. She stands upright, prim and proper like an iron bar has been inserted running from feet to crown.

Remember Mother's dialogue should be delivered in its entirety with cheerfulness. No matter what she says she should sound perky as a ferret on crack. She's essentially a middle-aged woman who consumes way too many diet pills throughout her day and has been doing so for so long that she cannot clearly remember a time when she wasn't on them.

MOTHER

I used to eat all. The. Time. I was so big I had to get my husband to lift up my breasts so I could wash under them. And when I was at my heaviest my husband started spending more and more time with the boys.

Not that I minded mind you. I really enjoyed the big bunch of guys in the house just being guys. It made me feel like I was a part of something, an essential member of an elite group that needed me to care of them and I did. I cooked for them and cleaned up after them and laughed at their jokes and listened to their stories and it was so nice. I had a role to play and I played it. I was needed and I liked feeling needed. It made me feel good even though on a regular basis I was pissing blood out of my asshole. I was so terribly unhealthy then.

It quickly became a daily routine. Bob would come home from work, the boys would come over, the boys would leave again. Then they'd started spending more time in the 'rumpus' room. Oh my I could hear them rough housing around through three walls; all the grunting and moaning. They'd taken up wrestling you see.

Why they'd say their goodbyes at to me at the end of the night and the poor dears would just be covered in sweat.

Grandma enters in the darkness of the opposite side from Mother. We cannot see her but someone crawling slowly across the stage can be heard from the dark.

MOTHER (CONT'D)

Eventually Bob got so into wrestling that the boys started spending the night. He wouldn't even come to bed he was so committed and it'd been so long since I'd seen him so devoted to an activity. I was proud of him. I could here the boys slapping into one another at all hours of the night.

Grandma's hand enters the light reaching for Mother's ankle.

GRANDMA

{wearily}

FOOOOoooooOOOOOoooooOOOOddddd.

Mother reaches down and slaps Grandma's hand like a someone slapping a naughty dog's nose with a newspaper.

MOTHER

Stop it mother!

GRANDMA

Gimme food you crazy bitch.

MOTHER

How did you get out of the cellar?

GRANDMA

Feeeeeeed meeeeeeee.

MOTHER

{as if to a child} You know what? I think there's a candy bar in the cupboard.

Grandma begins crawling away.

GRANDMA

There'd better be rat poison in there too. Life, life, so sick of the land of the living.

MOTHER

I'm sure there is deary. Enough to allow you to die in writhing agony on the kitchen floor.

Mother looks on into the darkness watching Grandma crawl away. She waits a long pause before turning to address the audience once more.

MOTHER (CONT'D)

So after they'd been at it a few weeks-

GRANDMA

{from the darkness} Which cupboard?

MOTHER

{to Grandma} The bottom one dear. {to audience} So after they'd-

GRANDMA

{from the darkness} Which bottom one?

MOTHER

{to Grandma} Next to the dishwasher. {to audience} They'd been at-

GRANDMA

{from the darkness} What dishwasher?

MOTHER

{to Grandma} THE ONE IN THE KITCHEN!

Grandma slithers off stage.

MOTHER (CONT'D)

{to audience} So after they'd been at it a few weeks I asked Bob to show me what they'd been up to in there all that time. He was so happy that I'd taken an interest in what he was doing that very night he got the boys to do a show for me.

At first I thought it was strange that they had to be naked to wrestle. I did. But they assured me that that's how the Greeks used to do it. Which made sense. Then they oiled each other up and I thought it strange how... ... excited they became. I didn't think men behaved that way with their friends but what'd I know? I was a girl. And then they went at it. Six men all grabbing and rubbing against each other and bodies pounding against bodies. I couldn't tell what arm belonged to which man or whose leg was whose. Just a mass of oily men all clumped together on the floor slick with their own fluids. But I just thought that's how you're supposed to wrestle.

Bob left me soon after that. I was simply at my lowest. I was obese and alone and I just didn't know what to do. One day a documentary came on about the deplorable conditions of slaughter houses and chicken farms and I thought to myself, 'Sally, time to stop eating meat'. I became a vegetarian then and there because the TV told me just how bad it was.

But that alone wasn't good enough because anything taken from an animal is taken violently and milk money goes to support terrorist regimes all over the world. The newspaper told me so and I wouldn't be the woman I am today if I didn't believe everything I read. So I became a vegan.

For a while that was good; the pounds were coming right off and even the liposuction technician told me I looked thinner and thinner every time he saw me. I was eating nothing but soy-based products and vegetables.

But one day I heard about a seminar coming to town hosted by John 'The Tom' Wilkins and it promised a revolution in the way I'd look at what I was eating. {dreamily} 'The Tom' taught me so much at that seminar. He had such a simple message to deliver: is it wrong of me to kill plants?

{stanza delivered as though memorized and recited from a brochure} But plants don't have a soul right? They aren't really alive? Plants though, they can die. If you don't water them they die. If they have no sunlight they die. If you leave them lying about the kitchen they die. And if something can die then logically it was alive.

It may not be the way you and I think of living but its still alive. And just because it doesn't convey pain the way mammals do doesn't mean a plant isn't in agony every time its plucked from its garden home, tossed into bundles of strangers, washed like a deloused criminal, then put on display in the market for me to buy just like I was buying a slave. Well I couldn't have that now could I?

So here I am. Food free for seventeen years and its all thanks to John 'The Tom' and his motivational program of plant/person perfection. If he didn't tell me what to think I don't know where I'd be today.

SCENE III HIGH ON LIFE

Setting is a youth hostel along the way to New Awakenings. It is a large open room with several sets of bunk beds and a communal bathroom down the hall. Layers of paint attempt to clog the crevices of graffiti carved into the walls from decades of passing-throughs who more often then not shit all over a place if they'll be there only briefly. All the rooms in the hostel have the stale stench of purchased sex, sweat, lingering sick and cheap liquor; this room is no exception.

Lights come up to find a pair of frat boys partying hard. They've been at it for several days without bathing or bothering to change their vomit-stained polo shirts with clumsily popped collars.

There is a small table and a chair, a hammer and several nails off to stage left.

FRAT I and FRAT II drink sluggishly from large bottles of liquor stumbling about more from exhaustion than intoxication; their bodies cannot handle much more abuse and had death still existed they would've both been dead 12 hours ago. Allow a moment or two to pass for audience to see them in their lethargic state. They are barely standing and so tired of one another's company that they need an outside stimulus to revive them.

Hob and Eleanor enter from right. Suddenly Frat I/II are livened once again.

FRAT I

Hey!!!!!

FRAT II

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHOOOOO!!!!!!!!

ELEANOR

Oh dear god.

FRAT I

What's up guys?!

FRAT II

We are fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucckkkked up!!!!!!!!! Wa-HEYYYYYYYY!!!!!

HOB

Its just for tonight.

Eleanor pulls Hob out of earshot and speaks to him in hushed yet forceful tones.

ELEANOR

Hob do we really have to stay here?

HOB

I promise its just for tonight. Sleeping in the car's killing me and this is all we can afford.

ELEANOR

Why don't I just-

Frat II laughs loudly drawing their attention. He has a liquor bottle against his crotch like an erect phallus and he waves it around with his tongue hanging out.

ELEANOR (CONT'D)

I can call up dad for some money.

HOB

Don't you ever get tired of hitting your dad up for money?

ELEANOR

He'll give it to us. Why wouldn't I?

HOB

Because he knows you'll never get a chance to pay it back. Do you really think after telling him you're going to die and saying goodbye to him that he really wants to hear you need a hand out?

Eleanor looks astoundingly guilty.

HOB (CONT'D)

What?

ELEANOR

Nothing.

HOB

You didn't tell him did you?

Eleanor gives Hob a babe in the woods look with a weak smile.

HOB (CONT'D)

Why didn't you tell him? What you're not going through with it? Is that it? You were planning-

ELEANOR

Not everything's about you Hob. I didn't wanna tell him because I knew it'd make him sad. I'm his little girl and he'd just try to talk me out of it.

HOB

So you aren't going through with it.

ELEANOR

What?! No. I mean yeah, I'm going through with it.

Hob looks at her with disbelief.

ELEANOR (CONT'D)

I have a letter-

Eleanor is interrupted by Frat I banging his head against the table loudly enough that we think his skull might crack open. Both Frats giggle as he does so.

ELEANOR (CONT'D)

I have a letter I'm mailing him before we do it. Okay? Satisfied.

HOB

Whatever let's just try and sleep.

Both look over at Frats to see Frat II pretending to hump the table Frat I still bangs his head against.

ELEANOR

I'll call Steven. Steven will give me money if I need it.

Shocked by her idea but restrains himself so as to not incur the continuation of an old argument.

HOB

Why do you wanna call your ex for money?

ELEANOR

We're just friends. We wouldn't be together even if we were both single, which neither of us are.

HOB

Like monotony ever mattered to Steven.

ELEANOR

Well it matters to me.

Hob is still distraught at the thought; crosses his arms and cannot meet Eleanor's gaze but rather looks around the room or at his feet or anywhere else but Eleanor.

Eleanor is getting tired of his obstinacy.

ELEANOR (CONT'D)

O-kay. What about Robin. Robin would-

HOB

Is that all you do? Collect people around you that you can hit up for money?

Frat II is about to attempt to hammer a nail into the table with a liquor bottle. Just before swinging he realizes what he is doing, drinks from the bottle, and lifts the hammer dropping it immediately as he does so.

HOB (CONT'D)

You know I work my ass off so we can have money for the shit we need. Long hours on a job that I hate just so we have food and rent and all that. I bend over backwards trying to keep us above water... and for what?! Any time you need money and I don't have it you just ask someone else. You know for a while I fell for it; if you needed help with something I helped you. No matter what it was I made it a point to be there for you. Then I realized that if I didn't do something for you you'd just find someone who would. So what's the point of me going out of my way to do something for you if not only do you not appreciate it but you'd just ask someone else to do it for you?

ELEANOR

So I wouldn't have to ask someone else to do it for me. So I wouldn't have to find someone who would. I don't mind owing you a favor Hob... I kinda like repaying you for all you do for me. But other guys still expect that I repay them in the same way I only want to repay you.

HOB

What the hell are you talking about?

ELEANOR

Jesus you're dense sometimes. If I ask a guy for a favor he'll do it because he thinks he might get laid.

HOB

So every time you hit someone up for money or whatever the WHOLE time we've been together you were doing it knowing that the guy wanted to screw you?!

ELEANOR

Yeah! Most guys'll screw any warm hole they can find and most guys'll break their own leg to do it!

Hob dismisses her angrily as he stomps over to Frat I/II. He takes a bottle of liquor from one of them and takes a deep pull.

FRAT I

Hell yeah!

Hob lowers the bottle and gasps for air. After a moment the sting in his throat subsides and he looks about himself at the table, the hammer and the nails.

HOB

What are you guys doing?

Eleanor raises then drops her arms in defeat from across the stage.

FRAT I

Dude. Fantastic you should ask.

FRAT II

Hu hu. Yea-ah.

FRAT I

We have been getting wrecked for the better part of a week now.

FRAT II

I had an overdose. Three of um.

FRAT I

But I'm in the lead on alcohol poisonings.

FRAT II

We're so high we're not high anymore.

FRAT I

That's right! So we're taking it to the next level.

Frat I/II face one another, crouch down and run in place yelling into one another's faces like football players ready for the game to begin.

FRAT II

DAMN RIGHT NEXT LEVEL WOOOOOO!!!!!

FRAT I

YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

Frat I/II turn to Hob expecting camaraderie but receive only a stoic silence that's lasts long enough to be noticeable.

FRAT II

Next level woo.

Eleanor approaches.

ELEANOR

And what pray tell is 'the next level'?

Hob examines the hammer/nails.

HOB

Hanging family photos?

FRAT I

Shock baby!

FRAT II

Shock baby shock baby woooo!!!

FRAT I

We've decided to place ourselves in a state of shock... kinda like a natural high.

HOB

Aaaand you're doing this by...

FRAT I

{indicating Frat II} By hammering his hand into that table.

Hob and Eleanor look at one another in stupefied amazement creating a momentary silence.

FRAT II

Shock it to mey!!!!!!

FRAT I

You guys wanna watch?!

Hob and Eleanor look at one another and shrug their shoulders.

ELEANOR

Why the hell not?

HOB

Play ball.

Frat II sits at table with childlike enthusiasm while Frat I grabs hammer and a nail.

FRAT II

This is gonna be awe-some.

Hob and Eleanor take several steps back as Frat I readies the nail on the back of Frat II's hand, placed palm down.

FRAT I

Is it on?

FRAT II

OH YEAH ITS ON!!!!!

FRAT I

Is it on?

FRAT II

YEAH ITS ON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

FRAT I

YEAH?!!!

FRAT II

YEAH LET'S DO IT!!!!!! DO IT TO ME DO IT TO ME!!!!!!!!!!!!

Nail is point down on back of Frat II's hand.

FRAT I

On 3 alright?

FRAT II

{eagerly} Yeah just do it to me. Pound that shit in there. Just pound it. Yeeeeaaaaahhh.

If you haven't picked up on the homoerotic overtones of this pair you really aren't paying attention.

Frat I holds the hammer directly above the nail preparing his aim.

FRAT I

Alright. {long pause} Here we go.

Frat I ever so slowly raises the hammer into the air then still slowly lowers it practicing his intended swing in achingly slow motion.

FRAT I (CONT'D)

Ooooooooooooooooonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnneeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

Frat I wildly brings the hammer up and quickly brings it down hammering the nail straight through Frat II's hand with a loud bang.

FRAT II

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Frat II bolts up from his seat and brings the table with him as it is attached to his hand.

FRAT II (CONT'D)

HHHHHHHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHOHGODOHGODHGODOHGODOHGAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Frat II swings the table wildly in his anguish. If unable to make a hand hold in the table just have him stuck to the immovable object that is the table.

FRAT I

Do ya feel it bro?!

FRAT II

IIIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTTTTTTTTTTHHHHHHHHHHUUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRRRTTTTTTTTTTTTTSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

FRAT I

Damn it! Didn't work.

Frat I walks off stage right for only a second before returning with a machete.

FRAT I (CONT'D)

Looks like we'll have to lose the hand to get that euphoria going.

HOB

If you cut off his hand he's just gonna bleed out!

FRAT I

Oh hell, you're right. {digs in his pocket and produces a Bic lighter} Better cauterize it.

Frat I holds the little flame beneath the large blade focused on his work with a tongue jutting out the side of his mouth.

Eleanor has picked up the hammer and cautiously approaches Frat II. After several weary sidesteps she pounces at Frat II and jerks out the nail.

Frat I shouts across stage to Frat II.

FRAT I (CONT'D)

You in shock yet?

Frat II holds his wounded hand out before him by the wrist.

FRAT II

My... hole... hurts.

FRAT I

{to Hob} Shock victims are so detached from reality they don't feel pain. {sing song} As they say, nature's mercy.

Frat I approaches Frat II who puts up his wounded hand palm out to stop him.

FRAT II

Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa... ... dude.

FRAT I

{disgusted} Dude your hole looks gross.

FRAT II

No no no. Your turn.

FRAT I

C'mon man this is the way we always do it. I'm the pitcher, you're my catcher.

Eleanor snickers despite herself.

FRAT I (CONT'D)

{to Eleanor} What? We're on the varsity baseball team together. I'm the pitcher, he's the second baseman.

FRAT II

I don't wanna do this anymore.

FRAT I

Dude, {raises machete} I just wanna stick this in you.

Frat I begins approaching Frat II with machete poised to strike. Frat II takes a few slow backwards steps before bolting off left. Frat I immediately gives chase exiting as well.

Hob and Eleanor look at one another thinking of the foolishness they have just witnessed and glad for it to be over.

ELEANOR

Sure you want to stay here?

HOB

You know I never was well suited for this whole 'provider' role.

ELEANOR

No one asked you to be my 'provider'.

HOB

You didn't ask but you sure-

Frat II runs in stage left followed by Frat I. Frat II stops, gives a few darts from left to right before running out right. Frat I follows.

HOB (CONT'D)

Look its here or your car. What's it gonna be?

ELEANOR

What do you wanna do.

Hob swings his arms wildly to punctuate just how dumbfounded he is.

HOB

I wanna stay here!

ELEANOR

Let's stay in the car.

HOB

Fine. Whatever. Let's just go.

Hob and Eleanor exit right.

Frat II enters from left with a machete through his stomach. He is dazed and doesn't know what world he's in.

Frat II wanders zombie-like to center stage while Frat I enters from left.

FRAT I

So? Anything?

FRAT II

Wha?

FRAT I

Are you-

Frat II turns to him and is obviously in another world.

FRAT I (CONT'D)

Holy shit YOU ARE MAN! You're in shock! How does it feel?

FRAT II

Hrrpple... dolamine... ... ... Wha?

FRAT I

HAHAHA that's brilliant!

Frat I becomes serious a moment and places a hand on Frat II's shoulder.

FRAT I (CONT'D)

So I've been meaning to tell you... when you woke up this morning with a bad taste in your mouth?

FRAT II

Lumpleson... ignostibrambieton.

FRAT I

I told you you'd drank cucumber water while you were blacked out?

Frat II falls over, comatose save for pedaling his feet like he were walking and mumbling incoherently.

FRAT I (CONT'D)

Yeah... I lied. Totally mah semen on that one buddy.

Frat I turns with his hands in his pockets whistling innocently.

Lights drop.

INTERLUDE III

Spotlight brightens anywhere on stage to reveal WOMAN already in its gaze.

This interlude is structured in a way that it starts off fairly subtle and surface, peaks to an almost permissible degradation in detail, then ebbs into ethereal idealism. If possible this should be incorporated into the delivery of the dialogue and the mannerisms of the actress.

WOMAN

Do I like sex? Of course I do. Who doesn't. I wonder sometimes if I like it more than most people do

but I think pretty much everyone's quite fond of it. Maybe its the reasoning behind why a particular person likes sex so much that categorizes them more then how much they like it.

It feels good for starters. I mean, I've had my share of shit sex, don't get me wrong. But even mediocre sex is better than most things I do in the course of an average day. Its kinda like getting a nice massage. When its not that great, that is. It feels good there's just no big bang at the end. But good sex. Good sex is just bliss.

And of course I enjoy the empowerment of it. A lot of girls just lie there and let the guy grunt and rut away. Because let's face it, a guy'll get off every time and be grateful that you're even lying there for him. Few demand more than the bare minimum of effort on a woman's part. But when you're good at sex, and I like to think I'm good at sex, then a girl can just about rule the world. So long as she's indiscriminate about who she'll sleep with. Kings have waged war over less than a talented piece of ass. If you know how to taunt a guy, how to really get him riled up, but most importantly when to give in and give him what he wants? Then yeah, you can go anywhere in life. You can do anything you want and the boys'll still love you. They may not want to love you... but they won't be able to stop themselves from doing so.

And being a woman means you get to call the shots without repercussion; if you're a girl who has the balls to do so anyway. Slower, faster, harder, tighter, hit me, choke me, whip me, fuck me. I once knew a guy, loved being rough. Really loved it. I knew girls he'd been with that limped out of bed. Girls who were used to a beating told me he was too much.

But I had to have him. I couldn't help myself; the curiosity was killing me. {fondly} He hadn't even undressed before he choked me to unconsciousness. I woke up and he was already finished and gone. I had seven broken bones, lost two teeth, couldn't see out of one eye for a week, and I was covered in so much semen he had to have called some friends over to help. I'm surprised I woke up with all my fingers and toes. Some people are into all that you know. Self mutilation for the ultimate orgasm.

There was a guy once had me clip off two of his toes during sex; said it was a greater high than any drug he knew. He left them on my night stand with a little note that read 'Something to remember me by, as I will always remember you.'

Thing is there's no limit anymore. We were always held back from true sexual expression before but now, no matter what we do to each other we'll walk away from it... figuratively speaking. But I digress.

Another great thing about sex is the messiness of it. We're a culture consumed by cleanliness but sex is one activity you can't really enjoy and not get sticky. I get wet, he shoots cum, spit and sweat and lube and even blood if the mood is right. What else is there that people do where you can trade juices with your partner and it just means you did it the way it was supposed to be done? And I'm a thinker. It has to be said that my mind is a mile a minute all the time. But sex... sex is one of the few activities that grounds me in reality. The physicality of it, the sensation of it. The simple pleasures of sex are derived from the senses and to truly appreciate it one has to delve head first into every manner in which the body perceives the world around it.

So yeah, I like sex quite a lot.

Spotlight drops.

SCENE IV RUNNING OUT OF STEAM

Opens to an empty stage, a road of wilderness lined with trees and thick foliage. In the shadows of the vegetation nocturnal animals have begun to awaken and they disturb the fallen twigs and leaves as they begin their nightly ritual of the hunt. When the sun does manage to penetrate the brush and brambles momentary glimpses of light flickering off their eyes can be seen.

Crickets have begun to chirp, frogs have begun to croak from a creek in the distance.

Hob/Eleanor enter from right. They walk across the stage toward left exit as they speak. Hob carries an empty gas can signifying that they have exhausted their supply and walk from their car to the nearest filling station.

Eleanor does the bulk of the talking as Hob is lost in his own thoughts. Something troubles him.

ELEANOR

\- be that far til we find a gas station. We'll fill our can, maybe even find a ride back to the car. Then we'll be on our way again.{pauses for Hob to speak, continues when he does not} Its alright. Happens to everyone at some point.{fond recollection} Remember Alison's party when we all woke up the next morning and my car wouldn't start so I spent all day finding a tow truck that'd pick me up on Christmas morning and take it all the way back to my dad's house? Then it turned out I was just out of gas? {no response} Hob? {no response} Hob.

HOB

{snapped back to reality} Huh? Yeah. What?

ELEANOR

Do you remember-

HOB

Oh yeah, right right. Christmas Eve party.

ELEANOR

Anyway. Yeah, happens to everyone at some point. Kinda nice though, getting a walk in after all that driving. It'll give us a chance to stop and-

Both exit left.

The lights have dimmed slightly and slowly. Crickets can be heard more loudly than before.

Hob/Eleanor enter from right walking toward left.

Eleanor slumps her shoulders and walks grudgingly, obviously tired of the stroll. Hob is still in his distracted stupor.

ELEANOR (CONT'D)

Ggggaaaaawwwwwwddddd where is there a gas station! I know we're in the middle of nowhere but even mountain folk need their Mountain Dew.

Eleanor swats at a mosquito in front of her face. After a moment it buzzes back at her and she swats at it more violently. Another moment passes and in her frustration she swats repeatedly with both hands fed up with the nuisance.

ELEANOR (CONT'D)

The bugs out here! Aren't you getting eaten up? {no response} Hob.

Eleanor stops walking and Hob takes a few more paces not paying attention to her pause.

ELEANOR (CONT'D)

Hob!

Hob stops and turns, annoyed.

HOB

What?!

Eleanor closes the distance between them.

ELEANOR

What's with you?!

HOB

Nothing's 'with' me!

ELEANOR

You've barely said a word to me since this morning. What was the whole hostel thing-

HOB

I've just got a lot on my mind. Is that okay?!

ELEANOR

What'd I do?!

HOB

Not everything's always about you El. Can you not be self-centered for, I don't know, may-be five minutes? Its asking a lot, I know.

Eleanor pauses to collect her thoughts and try to keep herself out of an argument over what she considers triviality.

ELEANOR

You wanna just tell me what's on your mind?

HOB

Nothing.

ELEANOR

It sure doesn't seem like-

Eleanor begins a panic; she almost runs in place before pointing at Hob's face.

ELEANOR (CONT'D)

Ohmygodohmygodohmygod! Hob there's a big spider on your face! EWWWWWWWWW!! Rightthererightthererightthere!

Hob absently smacks the spider from his jaw. Eleanor looks to the ground to see where it landed.

HOB

God damn El. Its just a spider.

Eleanor has spotted the spider and watches it dart around. After a moment of watching it turns and scurries straight for her. She screams and runs around and behind Hob almost whimpering.

Hob turns and walks past Eleanor to continue walking toward left. He is above her playfulness.

Eleanor watches him walk away for several paces before continuing the walk herself with concern on her face.

Hob/Eleanor exit left.

Lights dim lower once more so now we know it is dark out. Crickets are louder than ever and are joined by a cacophony of other insects all calling out in chaotic chorus.

Hob/Eleanor enter from right walking toward left. Eleanor is several paces behind Hob and her exhaustion from the stroll has dissipated as now she is just as distracted as Hob, though her distraction stems from not knowing what troubles Hob.

Hob/Eleanor cross the stage in silence and exit left.

They come to a remote filling station acting as an oasis of civilization in the wee hours of the morning. It is the only building lit up for miles around and at 3am all manner of bugs and fist-sized moths flock to the illumination just as road weary travelers and insomniacs do. The interior's florescent lighting lends a surreal contrast to the endless darkness just outside the reach of the building's electric glow.

Something bad happened here once, years ago. Something the locals will never tell you about but still the memory of it lingers, a stark dread hanging in the air.

Right side of stage carries the same 'dark' lighting but stage left exit is illuminated brightly and acts as entrance/exit to the gas station.

Hob/Eleanor enter from right.

Eleanor's spirits have lifted and has allowed her to forget Hob's introverted mood even though he is still so lost in thought he barely acknowledges her presence.

ELEANOR

Alright we're here. Awesome! And yeah, definitely finding a ride back to the car. So we'll talk to a few people... {looks at Hob} I'll talk to a few people and find us a ride. You get the gas. {Hob doesn't respond} Hob. Gas. Shoo.

HOB

Yeah. Sure.

Hob exits right.

Eleanor begins walking toward stage left when WOMAN enters from left sorting through her wallet after having just paid for her own gas.

Woman is scantily clad, slutty not sexy. She wears too much make up, torn fishnets and thigh high boots, a shirt cut low enough that should she turn her head or stoop too low a nipple is exposed. She wears her clothing merely to remove it.

Eleanor approaches Woman.

ELEANOR

Excuse me? Hi.

WOMAN

{haughtily} What?

ELEANOR

Hello. My boyfriend and I ran out of gas down the road and we're wondering if you could just maybe give us a ride back to our car.

WOMAN

Sor-ry. I'm late and I have to get going.

ELEANOR

Are you heading east {points to stage right}? Cause that's where our car is and we'd really appreciate it if you could-

WOMAN

I don't think so.

Woman begins walking toward right as Hob enters from right. She stops in her tracks while Eleanor follows her still talking.

While Eleanor talks Woman stares at Hob who walks several paces toward left before noticing her. When he does he begins looking at her as well. This is not a 'moment' passing between them, this is mutual lust and though it doesn't register on either of their faces they both want to fuck the other passionately.

Eleanor does not notice the shared looks as she is too busy biting her tongue and playing nice to Woman simply because Eleanor needs something from her.

ELEANOR

We're seriously just up the road a few miles and wherever you're going has to be past our car since there's absolutely nothing-

WOMAN

That your boyfriend?

Eleanor notices the way Hob is looking at Woman.

ELEANOR

Yeeeaah that's him.

Hob sees Eleanor behind Woman and snaps out of his stare. He approaches the pair.

HOB

{holding up the heavy, full can} Ready?

WOMAN

{to Hob} Out of gas, huh?

ELEANOR

{stepping into Woman's view} Yes. We are. As in my boyfriend and I.

WOMAN

Alright c'mon, I'll give you a ride.

Woman walks toward and exits right.

ELEANOR

{to Woman's retreating back} Probably to anybody you happened across.

Hob walks away to exit right. His words are hateful.

HOB

Well come on.

After Hob exits right Eleanor follows to exit right as well.

Light fads on filling station (stage left) and entirety of light is once more 'dark' lighting. They have reached the car that sits on the side of the road where no street lamps reside.

Hob enters from left followed closely by Eleanor and after a few paces by Woman. Hob crosses stage and exits right. Eleanor/Woman stop center stage. Eleanor/Woman both know what's going through each other's minds and neither wish to acknowledge it to the other.

ELEANOR

You really could've just dropped us off you know.

WOMAN

{knowingly} I wanted to make sure the car started alright for you.

ELEANOR

I'm sure we'll be fine. Thank you. Goodbye.

WOMAN

{looking off stage right} But look he hasn't even gotten your car running yet.

Eleanor steps in front of Woman blocking her view of off stage Hob.

ELEANOR

Our car. As in the car my boyfriend and I share.

WOMAN

I wouldn't think that were the case from the way he acted toward you on the ride over here.

ELEANOR

That's just you not knowing us. Not knowing us at all to be exact.

WOMAN

I'm sure its just hugs and flowers and cute little Eskimo kisses while no one else is around. But its always been my experience that when a couple is in the same space with someone else they still talk to one another instead of both talking individually with the someone else in the same space.

ELEANOR

Did I talk to you? You sure?

WOMAN

I thought I heard something from the backseat. Nice of him to put you back there so he could sit up front with me.

ELEANOR

Let's get something-

WOMAN

Look, I know what you guys have together is quaint and all. Cheers to you for being old fashioned. But people don't get into relationships for a reason; they never last. Why chain yourself down to bonds of devotion when everyone else in this world is free to have a good time with whoever they want, whenever they want. You two are living in your own fantasy, why not come over to reality some time. You never know you might just like it.

Hob enters from right with no gas can.

HOB

Gassed up and good to go.

Hob makes his way to center stage and stands next to Eleanor.

ELEANOR

Good. Maybe we can finally-

WOMAN

{looking at El, speaking to Hob} Hob. Why don't you come to a party with me tonight?

HOB

{stoic for El's sake} A... party?

WOMAN

{smiles vampishly} An eeeessssss eeeeeee eeeexxxxx party.

Eleanor is dumbfounded by the gall of Woman.

WOMAN (CONT'D)

There'll be Lots of people there and booze-

Woman rubs her breast bone in an intentionally absent manner.

WOMAN (CONT'D)

\- and I'll be there.

HOB

I-

WOMAN

C'mon Hob, live a little.

ELEANOR

{to Woman, infuriated} Are you-

WOMAN

{to Hob} Maybe she's right. Hob. I'll just go back to my car. And I'll put on my make up, which will take me a Few minutes. And then I'll go off to the party and you'll never seen me again.

Woman walks away slowly, never looking back at Hob/Eleanor, but walking like she wants to give Hob extra time to think about her offer and watch her strutting away as he does so.

Hob/Eleanor silently watch Woman exit left. Eleanor is so angry she cannot speak, Hob is lost in thought just as he has been throughout the scene.

They resume talking; Eleanor astonished at Woman's nerve, Hob with thoughtful distraction. Both continue looking off stage right.

ELEANOR

What the fuck was that?! Can you believe that just happened?!

HOB

No, no I can't believe it.

ELEANOR

{gesturing off stage left} Look at her. Still sitting over there in her car. Like she needs anymore goddamn make up.

HOB

She's still sitting in her car. Right over there.

ELEANOR

To think you'd be interested in going to some orgy party with her.

HOB

Yeah...

ELEANOR

I don't even wanna think about how crudded up that girl is. Just imagine having to have Sex with her.

HOB

... ... ...

ELEANOR

She just threw herself at you right in front of me.

HOB

It is a polyamorous society we're living in.

ELEANOR

Yeah a bunch of people fucking each other silly. {sarcasm} Now that sounds like a good time.

HOB

... ... ...

ELEANOR

And the diseases that girl must have. Its not like there's a cure for viruses and she's probably got enough to start a civilization in her pants.

HOB

Pretty much everyone has something these days.

ELEANOR

{lighthearted} I'll bet she's had STDs for so long they've developed their own calendar system. Probably just on the cusp of discovering mathematics. {chuckles} Just wait til they evolve to discover fire, then she'll really be in trouble. {laughs a little} First her panties will start smoking, then-

HOB

I'm going with her.

Eleanor's brow furrows and she turns to Hob.

ELEANOR

Comedy's not your strong suit dear.

Hob sternly looks at Eleanor, like she is a foolish child whose naiveté stopped being cute a long time ago.

HOB

I'm going with her Eleanor.

Hob takes several paces toward exiting left before Eleanor stops him with her words.

ELEANOR

Are you serious?!

HOB

Yeah.

ELEANOR

What the... why are we... why did I-

HOB

I don't care. I'm going with her. I'll be back in the morning.

ELEANOR

What the fuck makes you think I'll still be here in the morning?!

HOB

Whatever you wanna do.

ELEANOR

What makes you-

HOB

Stay. Go. Do what you gotta do.

ELEANOR

So you're just going to-

HOB

Yeah. I'm just going to. I'll be back in the morning. If you're still here, great. If you're not, fine.

Hob turns and exits left.

Eleanor is left center stage stewing in her subdued rage.

ELEANOR

Mother. Fucker.

Eleanor stands looking off stage left for a long time.

Eleanor turns and exits right.

A long pause ensues during which time lights slowly rise from 'dark' to brightness. We are still in the same place and we have just watched the sun rise and continue its path across the sky to noontime.

Hob enters from left. He is disheveled from a long night of booze, drugs and indiscriminate sex. He walks with the confidence of not caring about the outside world and the exhaustion of a long night of fun's aftermath.

He crosses to center stage where he pauses and looks toward off stage right. A car door closes {not slams}.

Eleanor enters right.

She is similarly disheveled but not from a night of enjoyment. She has slept in only brief intervals in the car, her mind going from rage to sadness to general discontent with how she has spent the preceding years in a relationship that has led to this.

A long silence passes as they stare at one another. Though Hob should be ashamed he is not. Though Eleanor should be furious she is too sick of being angry.

HOB

You're still here.

ELEANOR

Yep.

HOB

{indignantly} Why are you still here?

ELEANOR

... ... ...

HOB

Don't you have any self respect? You seriously slept in your car all night waiting-

ELEANOR

WHY DID YOU DO THAT HOB?!!!!

HOB

... ... ...

ELEANOR

Why did you go off with some random Bitch and go fuck a bunch of people?!

HOB

I didn't 'fuck a bunch of people'.

ELEANOR

Oh! Just her then. So you go to a fuck party and only have sex with the skank who invited you. How fucking romantic.

HOB

Romance?! You wanna talk to me about romance?

ELEANOR

Yeah like where's mine Hob?! I'm not a flowers and chocolate kinda girl but goddamn it it'd be nice to have a little romance every now and again.

HOB

You never wanted romance, you wanted to wish you had romance but you never really wanted it.

ELEANOR

When did you ever-

HOB

The first three Valentine's Days we were together I took you to the exact spot where we first met.

Eleanor has puzzlement on her face.

HOB (CONT'D)

Vista Park? You were sitting on the third bench from the left in the East Pavillion eating a tuna sandwich on your lunch break and listening to Rocket Set Go on your headphones? I sat down next to you and asked what you were listening to and you disdainfully ignored me but I kept tapping you on the shoulder and asking til you finally told me to piss off. Then later that day we coincidentally rode in the same subway car and you smiled at me because you had time to realize that a guy trying to talk to you on a park bench isn't really the worst thing that could've happened to you that day so we swapped numbers and have been together ever since.

Somehow it hurts her more to know that he is capable of such affection now that he's done what he has done.

ELEANOR

Oh.

HOB

Three years straight I take you back to that bench and what do you say? {mocking mimic} 'What are we doin' here. Let's go get a drink.' Or 'What's up with you and this park?'

ELEANOR

You could've told me.

HOB

Kinda sucks all the romance out of it if I have to tell you I'm being romantic.

ELEANOR

Well maybe you should've picked up on what my idea of romance was.

HOB

Well maybe you should've told me what your idea of romance was.

ELEANOR

Kinda sucks all the romance out of it if I have to-

HOB

You know? Fuck it. Its like talking to a brick wall with an echo when I'm talkin' to you.

ELEANOR

Why did you even come back at all?

HOB

Why did you even stay here all night?! I put gas in the car, told you to leave, went off to-

ELEANOR

BECAUSE I DON'T WANNA DIE ALONE YOU ASSHOLE!!!!

HOB

... ... ...

ELEANOR

We've got what? Two more days to live? I wanted to spend them with you and you're off pissing away everything we've meant to each other all these years. Every argument we made it through, every great time we had, everything you and I built together and this is when you decided to fuck it all up? I didn't want to die alone Hob and you're all I've got left and I wanted to do this with you and I wanted you to come back and tell me you couldn't go through with it and you didn't fuck that other girl and that you loved me too much to ever want to be with anyone else. But you know what? Slutty girl's right, I was fooling myself into thinking monogamy still worked. I was an idiot for thinking that you felt the same way about it as I did. And I'm borderline insane for holding out any hope whatsoever that you would prove to me that what we had was special. I thought we were better than everyone else because of what we had. And I. Was fucking. Wrong.

HOB

I'm afraid alright?! I'm afraid of dying. That's what's been bothering me and that's what's been on my mind and that's why I went to that party last night and-

ELEANOR

Do you think I fucking care anymore? You just pissed in the well buddy and I'm not drinking the water.

HOB

El can't you just sympathize for-

ELEANOR

Why the hell are you still going through with it if you're so chicken shit about it?

HOB

Because its harder to die than to live. Because I don't appreciate life anymore and there's nothing to strive toward. There's no real reason to do anything! Everything's a luxury. Eating's a luxury so you work so you'll get paid so you can eat. But if you don't eat you won't die, you'll probably just get bored because all your friends do nothing but eat at restaurants all the time. Marriage is a joke. Who stays married for thousands of years? How do you make that work?

ELEANOR

I don't know but I wanted to try and figure it out. And I wanted to try and figure it out with you. But you only managed to keep your dick in your pants for 32 years. So now that's all over with... we're all over with.

Eleanor turns and begins walking toward stage right.

HOB

Yeah well fuck you too!

Eleanor stops and turns in a casual manner; she's done with him so much so that he's little more than a stranger to her and she offers him the indifferent politeness in tone she would anyone else who was little more than a stranger to her.

ELEANOR

Is that really what you wanted to say?

Eleanor turns again and walks away exiting right.

Hob is so angry he cannot hold it in but there's nothing about to take out his frustration on so he grunts and he paces and he storms off stage left.

Lights drop.

{Intermission}

INTERLUDE IV

Spotlight shines anywhere on stage.

ANGRY PUNKER enters from right or left. He stomps hurriedly across stage in his unlaced combat boots. Dressed in a denim vest (sleeves cut off at shoulders), white t-shirt with anarchy symbol spray painted prominently on front, black fatigues. He also bears a large, tribal tattoo on his face and is missing two fingers; his left ring and pinky.

As written his dialogue is about half Scottish schemie slang so if done in a Scottish accent it wouldn't hurt but is passable without. English or a combination of both is optimal.

He doesn't so much speak as he does spit out his words with raspy hate. His mannerisms are exaggerated and he is animated in a malicious manner. Anyone who didn't know him would think he's on speed; and they'd probably be right.

ANGRY PUNKER

Yeah I was in love once. Still am even though the bitch banged all my buddies. It isnae they fault, I'd ah done it too if I were them 'cause she's hot and she knows what she's doin'. Girl'd screw anywhere and that's why I loved her... one nah the reasons.

Wanna know what real love is?! {points to face tattoo} Gettin' a big ass tattoo on yer face so everybody knows it! But shit don't last forever 'cept face tattoos! But that's what you do when you really love a girl. You show it by gettin' a FACE tattoo! Dumb ass girl.

And you know what else you do?! {holds up left hand displaying finger stubs} You start cuttin' your fingers off! 'Cause livin' a few thousand years disfigured'll make you remember you were in love. THAT'S how you show a bitch you care! {points to ring finger stub} I cut off this one 'cause weddin' bands're for pussies. {points to pinky stub} And I cut off this one 'cause ah the pain I felt when she left.

When nobody dies nobody's afraid of dyin' alone! But that's how its always been! Since the fuckin' cavemans 'n shit. Dude's out huntin' a fuckiiiiiinnnnnn' saber tooth tiger or some shit while 'is broad's off bumpin' uglies with the village chief er somethin'. Its fucked man! When yur alive fitty or sitty years you forget that she got good at goin' down onya 'cause ah all the practice she's had. You don't thin' about {referring to his crotch} how your shit falls in 'er shitter so easy 'cause ah all the dudes that 'ad been there before ya justa diggin' away at 'er.

But when you lovah girl that much you doan gie ha fuck ta start wit. The more you lovum the more shit from they past you'll put up wit. Gang bang ah messa guys last night? No worries! Lettin' a packa dogs have at ye? Why not?! Fuck man. Sign o' the times 'n shit. People goin' hog fuckin' wild cause they dinnah fuckin' care no more. Ain't like eet's gonna kill 'em. Erythin' was goin' great. We were at shows, we were doin' a messa drugs, we were screwin' like there wasn't no tomorrow. {referring to tattoo} Then I get this and she's all {in antagonist mockery of ex's voice} 'What tha fuck is that?' N I told 'er I got it fer her 'cause it don't come off.' 'Who the fuck asked you to do that? Its ugly. You're ugly.' Fuck it.

So I cut my finger off. 'What the fuck is wrong with you?' I tell 'er its 'cause I wanna be wed to 'er. 'What's it with you an' all yer friends trynna marry me all the time an' shit.' I cannae believe it! Whatta romantic coupla gestures; a tattoo oan mah face and me missin' a finger fer the long haul. What's she do? Uppin fucks off wit the first punter who'll haver. Hadna heard fromer since. And ah I got nah friends neether, they all pissed at me fer runnin' 'er off. Get yer oan hole I tells 'um. Don't matter, they fucked off too. Fuckin' girls man. I finda fella wit titties and I'm switchin' teams, I tell ya that right tha now.

Angry Punker exits either right or left.

Spotlight drops.

SCENE V GOD DOES NOT PLAY DICE WITH PARTICLE ACCELERATORS

Lights rise to find a priest and a scientist begging for change on a city street. Both are underfed and disheveled. Both look as thought the audience should be glad they are distanced enough not to smell them; they stink of body odor, cheap booze and despair. There is a playful antagonism between them being that they have both sworn off violence as per their disposition, perhaps the only thing they can agree upon.

If you deem costuming to be blatant put one in a priest's collar and the other in a lab coat. Both tattered and torn.

PRIEST has a cardboard sign reading 'Will pray for food', SCIENTIST has a cardboard sign reading 'E=mc2 for food'.

PRIEST

And I tell you its madness!

SCIENTIST

OK. God hates science because it demystifies religion?

PRIEST

Okay.

SCIENTIST

But scientific discovery brings us closer to understanding God.

PRIEST

How do you figure that?

SCIENTIST

Scientific research gives us a better understanding of the forces of nature; what inspires energy to form matter, why gravity exists and how it functions, the inner workings of black holes as the cause of creation for celestial bodies and the universe itself.

PRIEST

It works. All the planets and energy and matter already knows what its doing. Why do we have to know why these things do what they do? If it ain't broke don't spend lifetimes trying to suss out why it ain't broke.

SCIENTIST

Scientific research also gives us the ability to create sentient computer programs and install them into man-made machinery and bio engineered tissue that mimics the physicality of humans thereby making us creators of life.

PRIEST

Did no one ever tell you where babies come from?

SCIENTIST

What better way to understand God than dissect the inner workings of creation and to walk a mile in His shoes by becoming, ourselves, creators of life?

PRIEST

You're trying to trick me again.

SCIENTIST

What do you mean?

PRIEST

You're trying to trick me into saying science is a perfectly innocent method of classifying knowledge replicable under lab conditions and even the theoretical sciences such as physics is neither superior nor inferior to that of theology and that the two should co exist with no animosity whatsoever.

SCIENTIST

And what would be wrong with that?

PRIEST

Science is stupid, that's why.

SCIENTIST

How can you be so closed minded about science on a whole as a respectable pursuit?

PRIEST

Why make up stuff to study? Why pull random thoughts out of the air for pontification? This {holds up his Bible} is all that needs study and look... its right here. Alllllready in ma hand. Just waitin' ta be read.

SCIENTIST

Yeah you've been reading it so much you still haven't noticed a few missing pages.

PRIEST

You- you wouldn't have.

SCIENTIST

First Corinthians chapter 13 verse1 "If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not..." and the rest I wiped my ass with. {as though recited scripture} For lo thine paper for thou ass is like manna from Heaven and though these words be of God, thy dirty ass is of the earth.

PRIEST

Oh that the Lord would strike you down right now.

SCIENTIST

{patronizing} But my good priest, hold no anger in your heart. It was God's divine plan that I used first Corinthians for toilet paper.

PRIEST

{in vengence} Tell me, how much money did your colleagues grant you for your latest research? How go your proposed experiments?

SCIENTIST

How's that whole rapture thing working out for you?

PRIEST

ERRRRR. If I weren't a man of the cloth-

Hob enters from right. He is merely walking down the street. Tired, but none the worse for wear. He lingers stage right watching the argument ensue.

SCIENTIST

You'd what? Thrash me about like an ape? Wouldn't that draw unwelcome comparisons to your ancestry?

PRIEST

Darwin was a heathen!

SCIENTIST

{taunting} Hey... hey... hey... ... dinosaurs.

PRIEST

Carbon dating is a grossly inaccurate lie and you know it!

Hob tires of watching and begins crossing to left. Priest sees Hob drawing near and changes his demeanor to that of beggar.

PRIEST (CONT'D)

Good sir! Spare a bit of change for a man of the cloth.

SCIENTIST

{changing his demeanor not a wit} No no good sir! Give not to the lord, but to science! Discovery! Unlocking the secrets of the universe!

HOB

Sorry guys, I don't have money for either one of you.

PRIEST

An unfortunate like us?

HOB

Not really. Just walking.

SCIENTIST

Where to young man?

HOB

New Awakenings? One of those transition facilities.

SCIENTIST

You mean to die then?

HOB

Yeah, I guess I still do.

PRIEST

Oh am I happy for you brother, you'll be with God soon. The good lord has seen it fit to leave me here amongst the sinful so I can continue preaching the word of God even from this lowly state of vagrancy.

SCIENTIST

Happy? Jealous more like it. {to Hob, indicating Priest} This guy didn't get Raptured so now he takes it out on me all day.

PRIEST

It was the will of God and who am I to question it?

SCIENTIST

You might not question it but you sure bitch about it a lot.

PRIEST

It is true I have no love for this world just like any good Christian shouldn't. I long for the day I'll be by God's side-

SCIENTIST

{coughing} Harom... hand job... harom.

PRIEST

You blasphemous swine!

SCIENTIST

Oh sorry, if God wanted a handy I guess you'd already be up there to help him out huh?

HOB

You know this New Awakenings place seems pretty great. Why not just go there and get it over with?

PRIEST

I am Catholic good sir. Suicides are sentenced to damnation. So it is my lot to remain here in a world of suffering and sinners.

Scientist can barely hold back his snickering.

SCIENTIST

Damned if you do, damned if you don't.

Priest gives him a tired glare.

SCIENTIST (CONT'D)

That never, ever gets old.

Priest rolls his eyes, shakes his head and looks away.

SCIENTIST (CONT'D)

{to Hob} Maybe you can settle our little dispute. Would you not only feel content, but encourage the worship in others for an omniscient being that likes fucking with people?

PRIEST

Fossils were put here to test our faith!

SCIENTIST

Oh but only yesterday you argued that dinosaurs existed in Biblical times but weren't written about because the authors of the old testament lived nowhere near them.

PRIEST

It is a possibility.

SCIENTIST

So what? Noah collected pairs of them as well? I know that ark was big but c'mon, brontosaurus? He leave T-Rex's on the deck or something?

PRIEST

The flood wiped them out. That's why they weren't written about in the Bible.

SCIENTIST

Now you're just making shit up as you go along. If there were giant ass lizards walking the Earth in the days of the Old Testament someone, ANYONE, would've written something about them. What about the Aztecs and Mayans? No mention of dinosaurs. What about the Sumerians? They created writing and the beginnings of city/states as we know it and you would think that at least one traveler or one wise man somewhere would've heard of monstrous lizards roaming about. Which means that 'God' put fossils in the dirt to fuck with people's heads.

Hob sits down between Priest and Scientist. He stares off into space wearily not paying attention to the argument.

PRIEST

God didn't place fossils on Earth to test our faith, Satan did.

SCIENTIST

Satan! Seriously?! That's your argument now?!

HOB

Wasn't the whole Garden of Eden bit was an allegory explaining the downfall of dinosaurs? A lizard has legs but then God takes them away and makes them crawl on their belly?

SCIENTIST

{referring to Hob, to Priest} At least this guy has some sense! The trouble with you lot is you take everything literally. The Old Testament is nothing but a tribal history of one bloodline, New Testament's nothing but a prophet from that same religion who spends his life telling people that they got their religion wrong.

PRIEST

What about Galileo?

SCIENTIST

What about him?

PRIEST

For thousands of years scientists, astronomers, everyone thought the world was flat. Galileo was persecuted because he believed correctly that it was round disproving thousands of years of scientific research. Everyone thought the world was flat but they still believed in the world itself, analogous to the Old Testament Galileo said that yes the world existed but that was round, I small adjustment to the perception of something that everyone knew to be true. Just like Jesus adjusted the teachings of the Old Testament with his beliefs documented in the New Testament And, I might add, Galileo showed that science was wrong and had been wrong for as far back as anyone knew. But Galileo was persecuted by the church for his beliefs.

SCIENTIST

Exactly!

PRIEST

Just like Jesus.

SCIENTIST

Do you really want to look like an idiot your whole life? Do I really need to point out just how many people over the last 3000 years KNEW that the Earth was round and revolved around the sun and that the church was the one who said they were wrong?

PRIEST

As loathe as you are to admit it we are not so different you and I.

SCIENTIST

How's that?!

PRIEST

Scientists have to prove something that is there to acknowledge its existence Christians know something is there but through faith we don't need to prove it, we trust that it is there.

SCIENTIST

In what way does that make us similar?

Priest cannot come up with a response and becomes angry.

PRIEST

Its all your fault were in this mess to start with!

SCIENTIST

Don't change the subject just because you're losing the argument. {thinks for a moment} What's my fault?!

PRIEST

Not you directly but your colleagues. If it wasn't for scientific and medical advancements we wouldn't have cured death.

SCIENTIST

I don't have a problem living forever. My only concern is the advent of another Dark Age because we've cured humanity's need for advancement.

PRIEST

The inability to die is a terrible thing!

SCIENTIST

Well let's ask someone, an outside perspective, who is about to voluntarily end his life and see what he has to say about it!

PRIEST

Fine!

SCIENTIST

Fine!

Priest/Scientist both look to Hob who is still a million miles away and wasn't paying attention to the point that he's unaware they want him to speak. Moments pass while they await his input.

SCIENTIST (CONT'D)

Hey!

HOB

Me?

PRIEST

Weren't you listening?

HOB

Sorry, I was thinking about my girlfriend... ex-girlfriend now I guess.

PRIEST

That's why you wish to take your own life?

HOB

No we were going to die together but we split up along the way.

SCIENTIST

What was the problem?

HOB

We never really got along. I don't know why we even got together in the first place. I was attracted to her, sure, but we don't have anything in common really. We're almost the exact opposite kinds of people and all we ever did was bicker and argue.

Priest/Scientist look at one another.

SCIENTIST

Ummmm...

HOB

For the first few years it was great. There was that feeling of newness and always having someone there but after a while all the little quarks that attracted me to her in the first place really started getting on my nerves.

SCIENTIST

So she's cute.

HOB

Oh yeah.

PRIEST

But you had nothing in common?

HOB

Nothing at all.

SCIENTIST

But you guys liked each other enough to stay together for years?

HOB

Well it was comfortable, you know? And when you're with someone for a while its hard to imagine not being with them.

PRIEST

So you decided to die together?

HOB

It was my idea, I guess some desperate attempt to preserve how good it used to be against the future that would have us no longer together.

SCIENTIST

You decided that both of you should die?

HOB

Yeah.

PRIEST

Together?

HOB

Yeah.

SCIENTIST

And she went along with it?

HOB

Yeah.

Priest/Scientist look at one another for a moment to check the other's reaction to what Hob says.

PRIEST

I don't see the problem.

SCIENTIST

Neither do I.

HOB

What do you mean?

PRIEST

Did she cheat on you?

HOB

No.

SCIENTIST

Did she take advantage of you?

HOB

Well... no but-

PRIEST

It sounds to us like you had found 'one of the good ones' but was so troubled by triviality that you allowed yourself to hate her.

SCIENTIST

He means you had it so good that you wanted it better like an idiot.

PRIEST

Now it is a hard thing to allow yourself to be satisfied with something, even when it is a wonderful thing there's always the possibility of something better coming along.

SCIENTIST

But you're an idiot because you wouldn't let yourself be happy. Why you gotta be dumb like that?

HOB

Allow myself to be happy? If I was happy I wouldn't be in this mess of pining away for her now.

PRIEST

Happiness is everywhere dear boy. Finding happiness isn't the issue, its being content with happiness and committing to it once its obtained.

SCIENTIST

You wouldn't feel like shit about ditching her if you didn't really care about her. You feel guilty because you know you made a mistake.

HOB

Well its too late now. She's probably fucked off back to wherever and I still have an appointment at New Awakenings.

PRIEST

So you will still be dying then?

HOB

Yeah. Losing Eleanor was just one straw on a camel's back that was already broken. I'm tired of this life. I could sit right here on this spot for years and suffer so easily. It takes courage to die, to step into the unknown.

PRIEST

My boy, have you ever thought about... the Lord?

SCIENTIST

Oh stop it!

PRIEST

Have you invited Jesus Christ-

SCIENTIST

Put a sock in it Rev. The kid's going to die and I for one cannot bring myself to talk him out of it.{to Hob} Good for you kid. If there was more like you that wanted to answer life's most important questions then I wouldn't be out of work right now.

PRIEST

{to Hob} You'll have to forgive my friend here, he is ignorant of all but formulation, Bunsen burners and beakers.

HOB

You guys are friends?

SCIENTIST

Well yeah, do you think I'd be sitting here wafting away at his stink all day if we weren't?

HOB

But it seems like all you guys do here is argue and degrade one another.

PRIEST

There is precious little strife in the world these days. Some times you have to seek it out.

SCIENTIST

Arguing's nice. Its healthy. And do you really want someone around all the time that agrees to every single thing you say?

PRIEST

They make mannequins for that.

SCIENTIST

And who wants to be around someone that thinks, acts and feels the same way you do about everything? That's a bit boring isn't it?

Hob rises.

HOB

You guys have very successfully made me feel even worse than I already do. Thanks a lot.

PRIEST

Have you change to spare?

HOB

Sure don't.

SCIENTIST

Then why did you stop and talk to us? Bah!

Hob begins exiting left.

PRIEST

Oh leave the poor boy alone.

SCIENTIST

You leave him alone.

PRIEST

I am.

SCIENTIST

Well good for you.

PRIEST

Well bad for you.

Hob exits left.

SCIENTIST

So tell me again about King James being a pedophile and a homosexual? King James as in 'The King James Bible'.

PRIEST

I don't know what you're talking about. And I agree with nothing you say, think or feel.

SCIENTIST

You know exactly what I'm talking about!

Lights begin fading out.

PRIEST

I suppose we'll just have to agree to disagree.

SCIENTIST

I agree to nothing!

Lights go down completely.

SCENE VI CHILDREN AT PLAY

The sound of children playing can be heard over the speakers as background before and while the lights rise.

We are in a park not unlike every other man-made park found nestled away within a city. Cars lumber along the streets on the Saturday afternoon, a calm departure from the business day congestions of 9 to 5ers trying to get to the office to wile away their lives under fluorescent lighting.

This park is old but well maintained so that birds have discovered it and nested here for generations. They have become acquainted with humans and the pigeons will move only from the threat of imminent danger.

The paths are paved with smooth, textured cement which covers the cobblestone walkways of yesteryear. The stones were believed to be a hazard to the children when the city installed a playground and therefore the pleasing esthetic of the cobblestone was replace by the banality of smooth yet purposely roughened surface.

On weekdays this park is haven to lunchtime office employees eating their sandwiches in their suits. Mornings and evenings are sweaty joggers blasting their headphones too loudly to hear their thumping heartbeat in their ears. Nights are teenagers awkwardly groping one another while skunks and raccoons scurry about.

A pregnant woman sits on a park bench reading a book while her children play on a playground situated off stage where the audience sits.

Eleanor enters from right. She still carries a sadness with her but she has come to the park as a distraction from her troubles.

Eleanor crosses to bench and sits with PREGGERS.

ELEANOR

Hi.

PREGGERS

Hello.

Silence for a moment.

ELEANOR

{looking to the playground} Its so nice to watch all the kids play together.

PREGGERS

They're little monsters.

ELEANOR

{taken off guard} Oh.

PREGGERS

Yep.

Eleanor looks from side to side around the park for an extended time.

ELEANOR

Shouldn't there be... I think we're the only ones here.

PREGGERS

Everyone else left when we got here.

ELEANOR

All the other moms just dropped their kids off here and left?!

PREGGERS

What other moms?

ELEANOR

The mothers of all those children?! What kind of mother just drops her kids off-

PREGGERS

Oh no they're all mine.

A silence passes.

ELEANOR

All of them?

PREGGERS

Yup.

Another silence.

ELEANOR

How many-

PREGGERS

{rubbing her stomach} This'll make a baker's dozen. They say 13's an unlucky number. But I'm pregnant with my 13th child, how much more unlucky can I get?

ELEANOR

Oh. Wow.

PREGGERS

You're telling me. After you have a few they start raising each other though. Have any kids?

ELEANOR

No... I got fixed.

PREGGERS

Funny how they call it 'fixed'. Like something was broken to start with even though they were the ones who broke it.

ELEANOR

Yeah I guess that is-

PREGGERS

{shouting at playground} LUKE! Play nice with your sister! {to El} Sorry.

ELEANOR

Its alri-

PREGGERS

{shouting at playground} DIDI IF THAT'S GUM YOU JUST PUT IN HIS HAIR I'LL FLAY YOUR HIDE! {to El} Hehe. So you live around here?

ELEANOR

No just passing through.

PREGGERS

Me, I've lived in this town my whole life.

ELEANOR

You must like it.

PREGGERS

Meh. Not really.

ELEANOR

Yeah I grew up in one of those towns. Had to get the hell out before I never left.

PREGGERS

So you're traveling then?

ELEANOR

Sort of. I don't really know where I'm going at this point. My boyfriend... he-

PREGGERS

Oh those stupid boys. Dime a dozen are a standing prick.

ELEANOR

'Prick' is the apt description.

PREGGERS

Don't get me wrong, a good lay's a good lay. But its been my experience that's about all they're good for.

ELEANOR

Are any of their fathers...

PREGGERS

Still around? A few. Most of them I only dated a few weeks. My mom always told me "If you make 'im wear a jimmy he'll do it". But hell, after five or six kids you just get used to being pregnant.

ELEANOR

Don't you love any of their fathers?

PREGGERS

Sometimes. I love them when they pay me child support on time, hate them when they don't.

ELEANOR

No I mean like 'love' love. Like in the epic sense.

PREGGERS

Honey its time you realized that there's all kinds of love in this world but there's almost never that kinda love.

ELEANOR

But isn't there somebody somewhere that you'd give anything to be with? The man of your dreams?

PREGGERS

Some dreams are better left unrealized. Just make sure you have enough dreams that you do see through to even it out. 'Cause believe you me, its a 10 to 1 ratio.

Eleanor seems ill content at that reality of life.

PREGGERS (CONT'D)

Look, if there's some guy out there that you're head over heels about then don't be with him. What you make him out to be in your head ain't what he is. Some guys are there just so you can imagine that they're great.

Eleanor thinks for a moment on this and disagreement starts rearing its head.

ELEANOR

So you would rather imagine a happy life with someone instead of taking a chance to see if things worked out the way you hope they will?

PREGGERS

All I've got left are dreams of other things. When I was young I didn't think about the big picture; other places, other people, what I wanted to do with my life. All I could think about was this town and this little world and making the most of what I already had here. Then I started having kids and I couldn't leave and it was when I couldn't leave that I started thinking that I should have. But hey, its never too late. Once the kids have grown I can go off and travel. Its not like I'll be a withered old woman ready to die by then.

ELEANOR

But you're still getting pregnant all the time. When are you going to stop so they can grow and you can go have a life?

PREGGERS

One of these days.

ELEANOR

One of these days is right now.

PREGGERS

{referring to stomach} Tell that to this guy.

ELEANOR

So instead of quick fixes like getting laid why don't you improve your life and go out and live it? Stop dreaming about it and just do it.

PREGGERS

Its not that easy.

ELEANOR

Its the easiest thing in the world! Get on birth control, start making plans.

PREGGERS

Well that's still a ways away miss I-don't-have-a-mess-of-kids weighing-me-down-so-I-can-do-as-I please-when-I-please. Look at you! Free to do anything you like and here you are moping around about some boy broke your heart. Where's the living in that?

ELEANOR

At least I took the chance. It may not have ended well but it was good while it lasted. I have memories of better times, actual memories. All you have are dreams that always play out exactly how you expect them to. You know what's great?When things don't work out the way you want them to because they end up being better than you could ever have expected.

PREGGERS

Its a little late for me to go traipsing around everywhere now! Isn't it? I've got responsibilities and-

ELEANOR

Its never too late to enjoy your life. I mean, you're an example to your kids. Do you want them growing up in this town and never leaving it? Do you want them so afraid of the outside world that they stay here miserable hoping something good will come along instead of going out and finding it for themselves? Life is full of mistakes, but I'd rather make a thousand mistakes then not take a single risk. I want to go out and explore new places, I want to go out and meet new people. I don't want to sit around daydreaming about what could've been or what I should've done because I'll be too busy doing it to think about not doing it. I. Want. New. Experiences.

PREGGERS

This is all easy for you to say, you aren't me. You don't know anything about me or what keeps me from doing what I really want to be doing.

ELEANOR

What do you really want to be doing?

PREGGERS

I wanna travel.

ELEANOR

Where?

PREGGERS

I don't know, anywhere.

ELEANOR

Where would you travel to or live if you could go anywhere? Money's not an issue. Just where would you go?

PREGGERS

I don't know. I've always wanted to go to Europe?

ELEANOR

Well that's pretty vague. Europe's a big place. How about what you'd like to do?

PREGGERS

What do you mean?

ELEANOR

You want to do something besides be a mother right?

PREGGERS

I like to do crafts.

ELEANOR

Oh, good. What kinda stuff?

PREGGERS

You know, crafts.

ELEANOR

Also kinda vague. Anything you could sell?

PREGGERS

I don't sell my stuff. I make it for me.

ELEANOR

Okay so that's a hobby. What would you like to do, if you could do anything, that you would wish to do professionally?

PREGGERS

I like to write.

ELEANOR

Great! What sorta stuff?

PREGGERS

I write in my journal.

ELEANOR

{deflated} Oh.

PREGGERS

{proud} Every day. I'm very persistent.

ELEANOR

{giving up} That's good. Good for you.

PREGGERS

And stories.

ELEANOR

Great! Short stories? How many do you have?

PREGGERS

There's one about a princess who finds an enchanted gem and has to take it to a dragon to free her father from a sorcerer's spell.

ELEANOR

That's not bad. Basic structure but its good. What else?

PREGGERS

One's an erotic novel about a woman stuck in a seaside town married to a man she doesn't love and enters into affairs with several members of the small community.

ELEANOR

Again pretty basic but good. You only need a few characters outside of general townsfolk and there's a lot of suspense with people in the town finding out about the affairs and conflict with her and the husband she doesn't love.

PREGGERS

Yeah I really like that one.

ELEANOR

How long are they?

PREGGERS

I don't know. Once I start writing them I'll have a better idea.

Eleanor shakes her head, looks away and rubs the tension from her eyes.

ELEANOR

You haven't written a word of them have you?

PREGGERS

All my friends are writers and every time I sit down to start I get so discouraged. What if they don't like what I write? What if I'm terrible at it and they laugh at me?

ELEANOR

OK. {takes a moment to compose herself} Your friends haven't written anything either, right?

PREGGERS

Probably not.

ELEANOR

See, lots of people say they want to be writers. 90% of them never put pen to paper.

PREGGERS

Okay.

ELEANOR

Do you know what that means?

PREGGERS

No.

ELEANOR

It means if you start writing you'll have more done in your first sentence than probably all of your friends combined.

PREGGERS

Gotcha.

ELEANOR

So what do your friends do?

PREGGERS

They're parents.

ELEANOR

If you want to actually do something do you know what you have to do?

PREGGERS

What?

ELEANOR

Stop comparing yourself to your friends. Because your friends don't do anything and probably never will. If you have talent, worry about doing that and stop worrying about what your friends will think. At least you'll be doing something.

PREGGERS

Oh... alright.

ELEANOR

When are you going to start writing.

PREGGERS

Tomorrow!

Eleanor deflates again at this answer, nothing is sinking in to Preggers.

PREGGERS (CONT'D)

Oh wait... I have grocery shopping tomorrow. It'll have to be later next week.

Eleanor rises.

PREGGERS (CONT'D)

But then there's house cleaning to do. And I have to take Jimmy to the doctor.

Eleanor stares at Preggers as though she were a fool.

PREGGERS (CONT'D)

And Susie Marie has ballet. So I'll start after I take John Jon to the dentist on Thursday.

ELEANOR

Simple advice?

PREGGERS

Sure.

ELEANOR

Something you can do right now that'll help you in the future?

PREGGERS

Okay.

ELEANOR

Something basic, that anyone can do? Easiest thing in the world?

PREGGERS

What?

ELEANOR

Close your legs, get off your ass, and do something. Ann EEE thing!

Eleanor begins walking toward exit left.

PREGGERS

Where are you going?

ELEANOR

I have an appointment.

PREGGERS

Renewing your membership card at the I-know-everything committee?

ELEANOR

No I'm going to die.

PREGGERS

Little morbid?

ELEANOR

Not as much as I'd like.

PREGGERS

So why-

ELEANOR

Because I want to do something I've never done before. And just because its a trip you can't come back from doesn't mean its a trip you shouldn't take.

PREGGERS

Whatever you say.

ELEANOR

Never know, might be the best experience of my life.

Eleanor exits left.

Preggers watches her leave. Thinks for a moment staring off stage left in El's wake.

PREGGERS

{shouting at playground} STOP SITTING ON YOUR SISTER'S HEAD YOU'RE GONNA BREAK IT!

INTERLUDE V

Spotlight brightens stage right to reveal NURSE already in its gaze causing her to wince with irritably.

Nurse is bored in her practical uniform complete with the comfortable sneakers all medical workers don for hours upon hours on their feet. It isn't hard to imagine varicose veins beneath her hose and stretch marks in parallel streaks across her stomach; her body wastes away though she never much cared for it to start with. She smokes a cigarette held at chin level by resting elbow on hip, her posture is bad, she has a disposition of negativity and nearly no patience to speak of. There's a perpetual tiredness in her eyes.

She speaks always to the audience.

NURSE

I took a job at New Awakenings 'cause it was better than typing. People wanna die? Who gives a shit? I could be selling cookies for all I care.

Spotlight brightens stage left to reveal SPOKESWOMAN already in its gaze. Not even the blaring light can wipe the practiced facade of gentleness from her face.

Spokeswoman wears a smart pants suit and is both well groomed and well educated. She is the poster child for the New Awakenings procedure and looks as though she stepped out of the 'So you want to die' educational video played to patients just before undergoing the death procedure offered by the Institute. Her hair is well kept, her clothing neatly pressed, her nails meticulously manicured; she is a sanitary person living a life scrubbed clean of even a tiny speck of dust. Her voice is calming, soothing in a manner that she works at constantly.

She speaks always to the audience.

SPOKESWOMAN

At New Awakenings we wish only to see that your final hours spent on this earth are tranquil, calm, and above all comfortable. And our employees are hand picked to ensure that the services provided to you are the friendliest and most helpful you will ever receive.

NURSE

I work 12 hour shifts. Gotta get up at the ass crack of dawn to make it in to that hellhole and who do I have to see every day? Sad fucks that don't wanna live anymore. God I hate them. Each and every one.

SPOKESWOMAN

We here at New Awakenings take pride in our work and strive to offer you the relatively painless procedure of demise.

NURSE

I hear it hurts. Hurts pretty bad. They sound proofed the walls you know. Wanna know why? Screams of pain. 'Specially the kids.

SPOKESWOMAN

We cater to all age groups from infant to geriatric, there's no discrimination in our selection process whatsoever.

NURSE

They bloody take anybody with a few bucks in their hand. Greedy bitches. They make all this money and you know what I make? Shit. I got three kids to feed.

SPOKESWOMAN

Though it may surprise you to know New Awakenings are huge proponents of life and support many charitable organizations including Food for All, Wipe Out Homelessness and Children First.

NURSE

'Don't take the free permanent birth control procedure' my husband says to me. He liked them kids just fine when they were babies and I was the one wiping shit off their asses. But now that they're teens he can't be bothered to take an interest and I'm still stuck with them.

SPOKESWOMAN

Children are so special to us, we want to see that every child gets every wish fulfilled no matter the cost.

NURSE

Little bastards.

SPOKESWOMAN

When visiting our facility the first thing you'll notice is just how bright and loving it is. There's no reason for death to be associated with the negativity it has garnered in the past.

NURSE

And you should hear some of the jokes the 'doctors' make. Its always 'This guy doesn't need to die he just needs those pills that'll make your dick bigger' or 'I can see why she wants to die, who'd wanna live after the ugly stick beating she took'.

SPOKESWOMAN

And our patented disposal method guarantees that you'll never unintentionally respawn from still active molecular functions. We drops your ashes from airplanes, in oceans, and at world famous landmarks. The list goes on and on.

NURSE

I seen 'em flushing half that muck down the toilet. One of the other nurses figured out how to make cement outta it and repaved his driveway with fuck knows how many people.

SPOKESWOMAN

Your final moments on this planet should be pleasant ones and we will go out of our way to make sure you are ecstatic about your stay with us, no matter how brief it may be.

NURSE

You should hear some of the sick shit happens to people when they get put under. Let's just say a few of the doctors have more than a few notches on their belts if you get my drift.

SPOKESWOMAN

We like to think that if it were possible to have repeat business from you that you would be so pleased with our services you wouldn't hesitant for a second to see us twice.

NURSE

Everybody thinks they're something special when they walk in the door. Like they're entitled to something just 'cause they're about to die. I got news for you asshole, I see people dying every day and you sure as shit ain't nothing special to me.

SPOKESWOMAN

From all of us here at New Awakenings we wish you a good luck and thank you for choosing us.

NURSE

Fuck. You.

SCENE VII JUST REMEMBER THAT DEATH IS NOT THE END

Lights rise on a sterile, blank environment. The lobby smells of cheap cleaning products and the senility of a hospital; it reeks with certainty of death.

Uninspired paintings of landscapes line the walls of the waiting room, hanging above mass-produced plastic chairs that are only somewhat comfortable for five minutes. The chairs are interconnected at the legs to prevent rearrangement of the room and the rows of chairs are end capped by square, low lying tables topped with out of date magazines the subscription addresses of which have been meticulously blacked out with markers in broad, even strokes. Plastic ferns conceal the corners of the room, plastic flowers top the tables.

Others wait in the waiting room; patiently they sit as a nurse calls out names in slow monotones, last name first {pause} first name last. Random dry coughs ring out in single notes with such frequency that the head does not even turn to notice. Those waiting patiently range in ages but are predominately the elderly. No one seems anxious to have their name called but all have made their appointment by their own volition.

Fluorescent bulbs flicker as they burn; not that they are about to burn out but because that is their nature. The hum of electricity creates more of a stir in the air then anyone in the room would dare attempt.

Hob sits on one of a pair of plastic chairs positioned in the same place as the sofa from Scene I. He waits for his name to be called.

NURSE enters right, clipboard in hand. She lingers at entrance. Each line delivered with deadpan monotone.

NURSE

{lifelessly} Johnson... ... ... Larry.

Nurse exits right with a single step off stage.

Hob is nervous but does not fidget; rather he begins tensing one legs so it bobs up and down at great speed. When they speed becomes excessive he is snapped out of his thoughts and stops it. Within moments the slow bob that will soon become a fast bob begins once again. Occasionally he chews at a hangnail, then finds futility in the act.

An eternity of waiting passes before Eleanor enters left. She stops just out the entrance (similar to Nurse), looks around the stage. She doesn't register any special recognition at seeing Hob, she knows he's there.

Nurse enters right, clipboard in hand. She lingers at entrance.

NURSE (CONT'D)

Martinez... ... ... Richard.

Nurse exits right with a single step off stage.

Eleanor walks over to Hob and sits beside him. Neither acknowledge the other's presence. A long pause ensues, an uncomfortably long pause.

ELEANOR

That was a really shitty thing you did.

HOB

I know. I KNOW! I'm just... scared.

ELEANOR

Hob-

HOB

I'm not scared of dying, I'm scared that I haven't done everything I should've done. I'm scared there's too many things I've left undone.

ELEANOR

No one said you had to go through with this.

HOB

No I guess no one ever-

Nurse enters right, clipboard in hand. She lingers at entrance.

NURSE

Jenkins... ... ... Patty.

Nurse exits right with a single step off stage.

Eleanor has obviously moved past her emotional turmoil in terms of Hob. She has viewed the situation from the all important outside perspective and is now beyond Hob's mind games and influence on her own emotional well being.

ELEANOR

I have never met someone so determined to be unhappy. Its like you look for reasons to be down all the time. And for the longest time you drug me down with you.

HOB

Misery loves company I guess.

ELEANOR

But your misery is your own Hob. You just like to let it bleed off onto others.

HOB

El I-

ELEANOR

You look for excuses to feel like shit. I can't do that anymore.

HOB

What are you even doing here?

ELEANOR

I wanted to see you one last time.

HOB

Well whatta you see?

ELEANOR

The last few years of my life.

HOB

Wasted?

ELEANOR

I wouldn't say they were wasted on you, just wishing I'd done certain things differently.

HOB

Like what?

ELEANOR

Like not giving up on you. I did it without even realizing it.

HOB

You think so?

Nurse enters right, clipboard in hand. She lingers at entrance.

NURSE

Masterson... ... ... Gloria.

Nurse exits right with a single step off stage.

ELEANOR

I used to try and help. If you were depressed about something I'd try to cheer you up. I tried to help you see through all your bullshit and remember that if you weren't a great person I wouldn't be with you. And then you started rubbing off on me. All your insecurities made me insecure. If you couldn't be happy while I was around then I wasn't doing something right; I wasn't making you happy.

HOB

So you figured I was hopeless and gave up trying to pull me out of funk.

ELEANOR

I got tired of never doing you any good, no matter what I did or how hard I tried. And when I gave up on you being happy again there was nothing left for me to be but depressed. Do you remember what it was like when we first met?

HOB

In what-

ELEANOR

You were washing dishes in a kitchen and you'd come home filthy with half-eaten food and soggy chunks of trash all over you and Hob you were happy; happy because I was waiting for you at the end of the day. Your boss hated you, you barely made enough to keep food in your stomach and most of your co workers were snobby assholes and still you were pleased as punch to be there with me at your place waiting on you to come home.

HOB

So what happened to us?

ELEANOR

The newness died off.

HOB

Guess everyone's all sorts of in love when they start seeing someone they really like.

ELEANOR

Yeah... but for most people when those feelings go away they're replaced by new ones; different affections but also a different kind of caring. And it takes them a while to get there but eventually if they're lucky enough they build love between one another.

HOB

{weakly} I love you.

Nurse enters right, clipboard in hand. She lingers at entrance.

NURSE

Parsons... ... ... Jerry.

Nurse exits right with a single step off stage.

ELEANOR

You're not in love with me, you're used to having me around.

HOB

Maybe you're right.

ELEANOR

The only time you ever really wanted me was when you couldn't have me. You know it even got to the point that I'd pretend I was leaving you? Knowing full well that if I spent a weekend away from you that you'd come back around and everything would be great again... if only for a few weeks.

HOB

You did all that on purpose?

ELEANOR

That's how desperate I was to be happy with you again. To make you happy with me again. Deception was my last resort but I wasn't above it.

Pause ensues.

HOB

Guess you got out while the getting was good huh? Could've done something stupid like die with me.

Eleanor looks around taking stock of those in the waiting room. She is now detached from Hob's conversation.

ELEANOR

People really don't change do they? We've been doing the same things for thousands of years. But now its like we stopped learning from our mistakes. I'll bet that even when people did die they never thought about it. The one absolute certainty in life is death, the one concrete fact that they knew and could count on and they pushed it to the back of their mind never considering that they should be living like life could end at any moment. They viewed life as being some sacred, extraordinary thing and what'd they do with it? Most of them sat around watching TV or spent most of their lives working it away. Always thinking about what they wanted to do with the little time they had but never doing any of it. They must've been afraid of death so they tried to never think of it. And never thinking of it made them feel like something that happened to other people, never to them. But everyone died eventually, no matter what. And if it was a fear of the unknown that led people to never think about death then how great had to it have been for those who confronted that fear and overcame it. And really, why would anyone be afraid of an eventuality?

HOB

And here we are, a society of people who can't die and we're still doing the same shit we did when we could.

ELEANOR

Hob... everything that's ever made you miserable? Its all your own fault. You let it all get to you instead of doing something about it or removing yourself from it.

HOB

What does that say about you?

ELEANOR

What does that say about me what?

HOB

That you stuck around for so long.

Nurse enters right, clipboard in hand. She lingers at entrance.

NURSE

Gadling {during pause Hob raises his head to Nurse and with weariness begins to rise} Eleanor.

Nurse exits right with a single step off stage.

Hob is shocked at Eleanor.

HOB

You're still-

ELEANOR

That's why you make an appointment sweetie.

Eleanor rises, looks down at Hob's stupefied face and then bends to cheerily kiss him on the cheek.

Eleanor turns and exits right without hesitation.

Stage goes dark.

A long pause ensues with nothing but darkness.

The rest of the dialogue is delivered from the black but preferably from a PA system so the voices can be manipulated to give them a more dream-like quality.

ELEANOR (CONT'D)

What's... ... ... ... ... where am I? {long pause} What's going... ... ... ... ... I can't see anything. {long pause} How long have I been here? {short pause} How... ... ... did I get here in the first place? {long pause} Where is here? {short pause} Its lonely here... ... ... ... in the in between... ... ... ... and lonely. {short pause} Why do I feel lonely? {short pause} Was there a reason I... ... didn't feel that way before here? {long pause} Is there a reason I feel that way now? {long pause} {calling out} Hello? {short pause} Helllllooooooo? {long pause} is anyone there? {longest pause} What's going... ... ... ... to happen... ... ... ... ...

HOB

Hello?

ELEANOR

Hello?!

Hob sounds different now; dream-like voice yes, but also there's a positivity there that Hob never quite knew how to obtain in life.

HOB

Eleanor... ... ... is that-

ELEANOR

Is that my name?

Short pause.

HOB

Of course that's you're name.You're Eleanor and I'm... ... ...

ELEANOR

Hob.

HOB

Hob. I'm Hob. Aren't I?

ELEANOR

You're Hob and I'm Eleanor.

Long pause.

HOB

This darkness... ... ...

ELEANOR

It goes on forever. {short pause} Doesn't it?

HOB

I... ... I don't think that it does.

ELEANOR

{ecstatic} Hob I... I'm warmer now. I'm getting warmer now.

HOB

I am too El.

ELEANOR

El. I'm El too.

HOB

You are El. That's what I named you. No one else called you that... ... I was the first.

ELEANOR

You were the only one... ... that ever... ... ...

A short silence ensues.

Suddenly stage lights, elusively directed toward the audience themselves begin to rise; white, glowing, pure. It rises from darkness slowly and as it rises the speed in which it does so quickens building to a climax until the light becomes blinding; forcing the audience to turn away from the glare in their eyes. It blinds for only a moment and then it vanishes completely leaving the stage in darkness once more.

The end.
Überman vs. The Therapist
Opens with SUPERHERO and ELIZABETH JANSEN sitting together stage right. All action takes place stage left and is narrated by Superhero and Jansen. S & J sit in a manner that leads one to believe that Jansen is Superhero's therapist {J sits behind a desk or she sits in a chair that is higher than S's, etc. It would also be a good idea for her to have a characteristic pen/pad of paper in her lap}.

SUPERHERO

I would like to thank you for seeing me today.

JANSEN

You did have an appointment.

SUPERHERO

Yes... yes I did. But thank you all the same.

JANSEN

So what is it you want from me?

SUPERHERO

I thought that today it would be nice to look back, to reflect on the life I've lived as a superhero. Perhaps it is vanity that makes me wish to do so but given my secret identity I have found that there are few who would ever know the whole of my exploits.

JANSEN

Your... exploits?

SUPERHERO

And come now, I no longer believe the notion that I'll ever have a biography written about my life; I gave up on those delusions of grandeur years ago.

JANSEN

Delusions?

SUPERHERO

Now that I've reached an age where youth has fled me and senility is all that awaits I often find myself looking back on the life I have led.

DAMSEL IN DISTRESS runs in stage left. She is terrified and pursued by BANK ROBBER who enters from left behind her holding a revolver and a bag with a large '$' printed on it. He pauses his chase upon entrance as he has Damsel cornered and he wishes to savor his good fortune.

SUPERHERO

It pleases me to think on my early days as a young hero. It was a time where everything felt so much simpler; a time where everything was black and white and nothing was left to contemplation.

Robber saunters over to Damsel and grins lasciviously at the prospect of making her his own.

20'S SUPERHERO enters from left. He stands proud and tall with chest puffed out and his square jaw righteously held high.

SUPERHERO

I was so sure of myself then.

Robber takes notice of 20's Superhero. Damsel is suddenly less afraid.

SUPERHERO

I was strong, ambitious and confident.

Robber shoots at 20's Superhero who laughs with head thrown back as the bullets ricochet off his chest.

SUPERHERO

I was as impervious to ridicule as I was the bullets of thieves.

20's Superhero self-righteously marches toward Robber who grows increasingly panicked.

SUPERHERO

Ah, the indestructibility of youth.

20's Superhero punches Robber felling him instantly.

Damsel clings to 20's Superhero, all but throwing herself at him in gratitude for her rescue. With one arm he embraces her triumphantly, the other arm held with a fist to the sky victorious.

SUPERHERO

All the world was as it should have been.

20's Superhero stoops to pick up bag of money.

FLATFOOT enters from left with his truncheon at the ready. He surveys the scene and then relaxes upon seeing 20's Superhero.

20's Superhero hands Flatfoot $ bag and Flatfoot gives him a profusely star-struck, wordless thanks.

20's Superhero escorts Damsel (who grins broadly at the prospect of her new 'man') off stage left, she holds his arm at the bend of the elbow. Damsel turns to wink at the audience just before exiting, a schoolgirl with a schoolgirl crush.

Flatfoot cuffs Robber and sternly leads him away prodding him periodically with truncheon, both exiting left.

SUPERHERO

Oh how I long for those halcyon days of yesteryear.

Janson's cell phone rings from her pocket interrupting their conversation. She pauses looking at Superhero for permission.

SUPERHERO

Aren't you going to answer that?

JANSEN

Do you want me to answer it?

Superhero ponders a moment.

Jansen removes cell from inside coat pocket holding it up for Superhero's approval.

SUPERHERO

Not just yet.

Jansen places the phone in her lap.

SUPERHERO

Instead I would regale you with the tale of a sinister robot that visited our planet from outer space.

ROBOT enters from left. Robot stomps around the stage maliciously grunting in a robotic voice; its movements are brusque and violent even as it walks.

SUPERHERO

The machine of malice incarnate was sent to this planet to make way for an evil race of extra dimensional beings hellbent on utilizing our natural resources in a war with a benevolent race of beings who were protecting their home world best they could from these evil invaders.

30'S SUPERHERO enters from left. He stands proud and tall but his chest is not puffed out as 20's Superhero was; the world has begun to bend him beneath its weight.

SUPERHERO

The care-free days of my younger self had passed. But alas, the brilliance of a future still unrealized was looming magnificently upon the horizon. Desires had yet to be obtained, dreams were still obtainable.

Superhero strides over to Robot.

SUPERHERO

The battles seemed fiercer...

Robot punches Superhero knocking him back.

SUPERHERO

the fights more hard won...

Superhero approaches Robot only to be knocked back once more.

SUPERHERO

and the stakes higher than ever.

Superhero flexes.

SUPERHERO

But still I persevered.

Superhero lunges at robot beating it into submission.

SUPERHERO

The fate of the world rested on my shoulders and I was still Earth's protector.

Robot is splayed out on the ground, Superhero poses triumphant above his fallen foe.

SUPERHERO

I was still Earth's hero.

Superhero swaggers toward left waving/blowing kisses to the audience.

SUPERHERO

In the streets of every major city they held parades in my honor. I was beloved by millions.

Superhero exits left with a bow.

Flatfoot enters left with his ever-ready truncheon. He sees Robot, wishes he'd had a shot at it, approaches Robot, then drags it off stage left.

SUPERHERO

It was the time in my life that I truly realized what I wanted out of my existence. I knew then what my life should be and I knew with an unparalleled certainty just what it was that would bring me happiness.

Jansen's cell begins ringing once more. Superhero signs at the interruption.

Actor portraying Robot exits left.

JANSEN

You should probably speak to them.

SUPERHERO

I suppose you are right.

Jansen proffers Superhero her phone.

SUPERHERO

Hello? {pause} Well of course. {pause} Who is this? {long pause} Do you really think I should? {pause} Really? {pause} Really. {caller shouts into phone forcing S to hold it at arm's reach} There's no need to take that tone with me. {pause} Good day to you then, sir.

Superhero ends call, hands phone back to Jansen.

SUPERHERO

They adore me, each and every one.

JANSEN

You think so?

SUPERHERO

There was a time... a time when I doubted myself and doubted the admiration of others toward me. It was a time when I questioned everything about my life; the good I was doing the world, whether I was truly happy, whether I really made a difference. It... was a dark time.

40'S SUPERHERO enters from left. He is slouched beneath the weight of the world, walks sluggishly and seems to not want to be present on patrol at all.

SUPERHERO

I could no longer rouse the desire to fight crime with the same vigilance I once had.

SIDEKICK enters from left. He postures heroically, eager to fight crime with his mentor.

SUPERHERO

I had even taken in a ward; an orphan boy who I would train in the deadly arts and take him out night after night to fight violent criminals.

Sidekick and 40's Superhero mime fighting a band of thugs in an alleyway.

SUPERHERO

But even then I questioned my motives. Why did I fight crime? Why did I make this my life's work? Did my very presence cause criminals to surface exponentially?

Sidekick stops an invisible thug from hitting 40's Superhero over the head with a lead pipe felling the invisible thug quickly with precise attacks.

SUPERHERO

Time and time again my faithful sidekick rejuvenated me.

Surprised/proud by his ward's performance, 40's Superhero clasps Sidekick's forearm in his hand in a medieval handshake of camaraderie.

SUPERHERO

His youthful exuberance reminded me of the excitement I had felt in my early days of crime fighting.

Sidekick goes from fallen invisible thug to fallen invisible thug lecturing them with a reprimanding finger. The few who talk back receive a swift kick. 40's Superhero watches his student with pride.

SUPERHERO

It was refreshing to be with a member of the next generation of masked hero. It taught me that though my youth was behind me there was still a job that needed doing and simply because my role had shifted did not mean there was no longer a place for me in the world. I was both defender of justice and mentor to those who would one day continue the never ending battle against villainy.

Sidekick looks to 40's Superhero for approval which 40's Superhero gives with a stern nod.

SUPERHERO

It was then that I understood the meaning of 'legacy'.

40's Superhero and Sidekick bound away exiting left.

SUPERHERO

And now here I am. I have reached a point in my life where youthful exuberance has come and gone, my path has been laid out before me and I have come to terms with my place in the ever-changing landscape of my life. I have seen and done many things and those experiences from the past pave the way for my future. The years remaining to me have purpose and I awaken each day with a renewed sense of self-worth and a desire to continue doing good for the betterment of the world.

Jansen and Superhero sit in silence.

Jansen and Superhero's silence becomes awkward.

SUPERHERO

Well?

JANSEN

Well what?

SUPERHERO

Don't you have anything to say?

JANSEN

What do you want to hear?

SUPERHERO

You shouldn't tell me what you think I want to hear, you should tell me what you want to say.

JANSEN

You really want to hear what I have to say?

SUPERHERO

Indeed.

Jansen produces a folder, opens it and begins reading.

JANSEN

At 12.37pm two assailants drew weapons on the tellers of the Golden Sun Bank demanding they fill bags with money. One of the customers in the bank was a superhero who witnesses say reeked of gin and had for the previous twenty minutes been nigh incomprehensibly bragging that he was about to rob the bank himself. Said superhero was urinating into a potted plant when the two assailants drew their weapons. In the haste of their escape they bumped into the superhero who became angry and punched one of the thieves so hard his head exploded.

SUPERHERO

Hehehehe.

Robber and Damsel enter from left. They are both terrified and being chased by the offstage 20's Superhero. Robber holds $ bag/gun.

JANSEN

The remaining thief took a hostage and fled for his life.

20's Superhero stomps/stumbles onto the stage. He is disheveled, pissed off and clearly intoxicated.

20's Superhero takes notice of Robber/Damsel. Damsel begins wailing from fear of 20's Superhero and Robber goes down on his knees pleading for his life.

20's Superhero staggers angrily over to Robber.

20's Superhero pulls Robber to his feet by the lapels and punches into his chest. His fist lingers for a moment as he digs around in Robber's chest cavity. 20's Superhero rips his fist from Robber's chest and holds Robber's still-beating heart high into the air in victory.

Robber falls to the ground dead as 20's Superhero takes a large bite out of his heart.

Damsel shrieks in terror and flees offstage left.

20's Superhero smiles maliciously, stoops to pick up $ bag and stalks offstage left continuing to munch on Robber's heart.

JANSEN

Neither the money nor the thief's heart were recovered. The hostage, Mrs. Julia Harris, filed a restraining order against said superhero then shortly thereafter fled the country after the death of her husband who had been found broken and battered with his head... stuffed up his own anus.

SUPERHERO

HAHAHAHAHAHA! Sorry, the mental image alone gets me every time.

Jansen's cell goes off again.

Actor portraying Robber exits left.

Jansen and Superhero look at one another expectantly.

SUPERHERO

Probably shouldn't get that.

Jansen's cell stops ringing.

Jansen once more consults her file.

JANSEN

Moving on to Earth's first visit from extraterrestrial, intelligent life in the form of a sentient robot first seen by a 4-year-old girl who lovingly dubbed him 'Mr. Silver'.

Robot enters from left holding a bundle of hand-picked daffodils. It walks gently taking in its surroundings with joyous wonderment.

JANSEN

Mr. Silver was sent to this planet as an ambassador of benevolence; the machine was tasked by its creators to bring technological advances to our species that were leaps and bounds beyond our current understanding of not only science and mathematics but also spirituality and the very fabric of reality itself. Mr. Silver was heralded as the greatest incident of historical significance in the last 2000 years. It was believed that Mr. Silver would usher in a new era of human existence unparalleled to all other achievements we ourselves had produced thus far.

30's Superhero enters from left. He is tripping balls after ingesting two full sheets of acid. His eyes are wide, he spaces out while looking at his fingers, each step he takes involves anxious courage on 30's Superhero's part as though he expects the ground to turn to water any moment.

JANSEN

That is until Mr. Silver met you.

Robot approaches 30's Superhero in friendliness offering a warm hug from a cold, metallic machine.

30's Superhero freaks out at the sight of a robot and runs around the stage trying in vain to escape it.

JANSEN

After ingesting two full sheets of acid, an amount you'd later refer to as a 'heroic' dose, you were hideously terrified by everyday surroundings let alone seeing an actual alien robot.

30's Superhero finally lashes out at Robot brutalizing it until it falls to the ground. Even after Robot falls 30's Superhero continues mercilessly beating it until he is ripping wires/circuitry from the hollow shell that was once Mr. Silver.

30's Superhero stands over his fallen foe wide-eyed, terrified and breathing heavily as he stares down at Robot.

Robot weakly/slowly raises its arm to which 30's Superhero begins his assault anew and utterly pounds Robot into rubble.

30's Superhero then curls into a fetal position and weeps bitterly at his own fear.

JANSEN

You effectively robbed humanity as a whole, stealing away an opportunity of advancement that will take us hundreds of years to achieve by our own means. And still to this day scientists fear a retaliatory attack from the creators of Mr. Silver though many believe the aliens view us as too stupid to waste their time on.

Flatfoot enters apprehensively from left. He holds a pair of handcuffs and has been tasked with arresting 30's Superhero; a mission many believe is suicidal in 30's Superhero's current state.

Flatfoot nervously approaches 30's Superhero.

JANSEN

Prison guards state that upon reaching your cell you were graciously thankful for being given a 'womb' in which to hide.

Upon slowly reaching him Flatfoot hurriedly cuffs 30's Superhero.

Flatfoot tearfully looks down at then away from Robot, an unbearable heap of unrealized tranquility. He then drags Robot offstage left.

JANSEN

With no laws in place concerning the murder of sentient robots from outer space the government decided to hold you as a terrorist.

Flatfoot re-enters from left and approaches 30's Superhero who continues to weep like a child on the ground.

Flatfoot looks down at 30's Superhero, scratches his head and then commences to drag 30's Superhero offstage left just as he did Robot.

JANSEN

You were sentenced to 10 years in a maximum security prison.

Superhero sits upright and leans forward in his seat to make a point.

SUPERHERO

That robot-

JANSEN

That. Robot. What?

Superhero slouches down in chair saying nothing.

JANSEN

The world was glad to be rid of you. Lynch mobs formed outside the prison daily crying out for your blood. Community colleges to this day use your hate mail as negative reinforcement for students taking certificate classes in vigilantism. And speaking of students let's not forget about your feeble attempt at participating in the Scared Straight program.

SUPERHERO

That little turd had it coming!

JANSEN

He was 12 years old!

SUPERHERO

And I'll bet his buddies are straight A students after watching what I did to their friend.

JANSEN

'Barbwire Barbarella', famed for defiling 37 corpses in the Massachusetts area alone, turned to Jesus after watching what you did to that poor boy.

SUPERHERO

Onward Christian soldier.

JANSEN

They resorted to elephant tranquilizers to stop you.

SUPERHERO

You know, to my credit I did my time and never tried to escape when all I had to do was beat down a wall and walk away.

Jansen's phone rings again. She immediately presses the 'ignore' button with enthusiasm.

JANSEN

Ig-nore.

Jansen drops the phone down.

JANSEN

Of course you never tried to escape. You had your 'sidekick'.

Sidekick {now wearing orange jumpsuit and Robin mask made from a tattered dishcloth} enters from left. He poses heroically upon entrance and then moves about the stage flamboyantly posing in superhero stances.

JANSEN

Jimmy Aaron Martin, serving a five year sentence for petty larceny and assault who you purchased from the Aryan brotherhood for two packs of cigarettes.

Sidekick continues moving about the stage doing what looks to be a cross between aerobics, a dance routine, shadow boxing and a fashion show.

JANSEN

The two of you 'fought' together valiantly. That is until one day...

40's Superhero enters from left holding a broom dragged lazily in his wake. He is high as a kite on dirty, toilet bowl speed. His movements are sharp and frantic. He is paranoid and continually startled by sounds all around him that do not exist. He flinches rapidly from one eye.

JANSEN

when you had just a little too much toilet bowl crank.

40's Superhero begins wailing on Sidekick with the broomstick. After a prolonged beating Sidekick falls theatrically to the ground.

40's Superhero continues to twitch with general nervous energy as he looks down at Sidekick's corpse.

40's Superhero darts his head from left to right looking for witnesses then walks around the body stopping with his back to the audience. 40's Superhero then pisses on Sidekick swaying his hips back and forth and whistling.

40's Superhero exits left continuing to whistle.

Flatfoot enters from left, approaches Sidekick and looks down at the body shaking his head. Flatfoot then drags Sidekick's body off stage left pausing periodically to shake the pee from his hand.

Jansen and Superhero sit in silence while he stares daggers at her.

Finally Superhero breaks the silence.

SUPERHERO

You know you're awfully accusatory for a therapist.

JANSEN

I'm not a therapist I'm your parole officer!

Dialogue pauses for a moment while Superhero continues staring daggers at the insolent Jansen.

SUPERHERO

Well its too late to rethink your profession now, isn't it?

JANSEN

And you're not a superhero. You're a super villain.

SUPERHERO

Really? We're splitting hairs now?!

JANSEN

Splitting hairs?! We're splitting atoms here! You're a killer and a stalker, you set back the advancement of the human race by centuries, and you brutally murdered your jailhouse lover and literally pissed on his grave.

SUPERHERO

Oh you're so melodramatic.

JANSEN

I'M MELODRA-

SUPERHERO

And they cremated Johnny. If I'd pissed in that it would've gotten all clumpy and they'd have nothing to send back to his-

Jansen's phone rings once more. Superhero snatches it from her and brusquely answers it.

SUPERHERO

What?! {pause} No I'm not releasing my hostage and if you call back again I'll pitch you her kidneys!

Superhero angrily ends the call.

SUPERHERO

I remember a time when the police served as well as protected. And with a better bedside manner to boot.

JANSEN

Do you really think they're letting you just walk out of here?

SUPERHERO

You're overlooking one minor detail.

JANSEN

Which is?

SUPERHERO

I can fly.

Jansen, annoyed, counts to 3 to compose herself.

JANSEN

Do you really think-

SUPERHERO

I really think you're right.

Jansen is taken aback. Superhero rises slowly from his seat.

SUPERHERO

I am a villain. But not just a villain, I'm a super villain.

Superhero meanders around Jansen as he delivers his speech. Jansen grows more nervous with each sentence he speaks.

SUPERHERO

I am evil and malicious, I fight dirty and I'm continually up to no good. And it wasn't abusive parents or a vulgar upbringing that made me this way, it wasn't the death of my true love or the violation of my offspring that led me to live the life that I live; I am sinister simply because I choose to be. Were I weak and feeble, a normal man in a normal suit, I would be just as much the incarnation of hate and spite that I am today. I steal and I rape and I murder and I take because that is what brings me joy; sin is my proclivity and I indulge in it unabashedly.

Superhero stops his circling as he stands before Jansen. He bends to clutch the arms of her chair and looms over her like impending doom.

SUPERHERO

And you my dear are in here all alone with me. You may think those men outside with their guns and their sirens can protect you. But they can not. And you may think that because your own life is precious to you that I value it just as highly. But I do not.

Superhero pauses for a moment to take in Jansen's fear. He smiles at the emotion he has induced in her.

SUPERHERO

Now its time to play a little game. When I say 'Little pig... little pig... let... me... IN', you say 'Not... by the FLESH... on my chinny... {he clutches her chin gently between his thumb and index finger knuckle} chin... chin'.

Another pause goes by. Superhero laughs a single, shallow breath to himself and then rips the skin from Jansen's chin. Simultaneously lights cut to black as she shrills in pain.

The End.
The Wizard of the Woods
SCENE ONE

Opens in the front room of a small, medieval home. A hearth crackles in the corner ineffectively warding off the cold within the poorly insulated room. A table rests center stage the construction of which is scared, weather warped boards that have petrified with age. Dried blooms hang inverted from the tops of the window seals; not for decoration but to ward off evil spirits. The exposed rafters have been blackened with soot as they were salvaged from a home that had been razed to the ground one violent night and all that had remained was the skeleton of the ramshackle house; the smell of burnt wood still lingers in those beams, a perpetual reminder of mortality.

MOTHER sweeps the dusty floor with a sparsely-haired broom while humming a song that she makes up as she goes along. She takes comfort in the familiarity of her chore and clings to it for purpose in life however meager the simple act of sweeping may be. She sweeps stage right.

BOY enters from left carrying a burlap sack containing food over his shoulder. He is disheveled, muddied, and bares a black eye. Boy walks in with tired frustration; he has been picked on/beaten up yet again and he learned long ago that there's nothing he can do about it.

Mother greets him warmly without looking up.

MOTHER

Hello dear.

Boy plops the food sack down on the table; he does not share her enthusiasm toward everyday life, especially not at this moment.

BOY

Hello mum.

Mother takes note of his condition.

MOTHER

What's this then? Have the Black Guards gotten hold of you again?

Mother approaches Boy to inspect his eye. Boy's minor injuries are a common occurrence and though she exhibits acknowledgment she has become so acquainted with the bruising and the blood that they are easily disregarded.

BOY

They found me while I was walking home from the market.

Mother turns and begins sorting through the sack's contents.

MOTHER

At least your shopping seems all there.

BOY

Except for an apple they tried to stuff up my... except for the apple they threw at me.

MOTHER

Those bloody Black Guards, a right brutal bunch they are. Ever since that Grakkar bloke invaded the kingdom there's been nothing but trouble for the likes of us common folk.

Boy begins throwing pathetic punches and kicks at guards who are not there. He verbally punctuates each landed blow like any child at play would.

BOY

One of these {grunt}days somebody'll come along {grunt} and teach them {grunt} a lesson or two. Then they won't gang up *HWAH* on boys half their size {grunt} anymore.

Mother doesn't turn from unloading the contents of the sack onto the table.

MOTHER

Oh aye?

BOY

{still kicking/punching} And then I'll be the one laughing at them. And I'll be the one kicking mud in their faces. And I'll be the one stuffing... throwing apples up their butt.{pause} At their butt. Their head... I'll be the one throwing-

Mother really isn't listening. She's organized some of the sack's contents on the table for immediate eating and the rest she has placed back in the bag.

Mother crosses to stage right to produce plates for their meal. She returns promptly with them talking all the while.

MOTHER

Well until then we'll just have to make do. And at least we have each other, I just wish your poor father were still alive so it was the three of us. {stops for a moment for dreamy reminiscence} Such a lovely man your father; foolish as a ferret, it must be said, but lovely as a lamb he was.

Mother continues setting the table for a meal.

MOTHER

So, ready for the big day are you?

BOY

Why is it I have to see the oracle in the first place mum?

MOTHER

Oh... well...

Both sit at the table to eat.

MOTHER

... its been prophesied that some courageous young gent will come along and give that dastardly Grakkar a good what for. So when a boy turns 16 he's sent to the oracle so she can lay hands on him and see if he's the one'll rid us of this Black Guard business.

Boy becomes hopefully excited.

BOY

Do you really think it could be me?!

MOTHER

Who's to say? Though I'd rather it not be if I had any say; I much prefer you at home where its safe than out adventuring around and the like.

Boy blankly points to his black eye.

MOTHER

Well... saf-er.

BOY

Oh I'd so love it if it were me. There's got to be more for me than tending the livestock and planting babies in a woman's womb.

MOTHER

That's yer youth talking dear. One day you'll learn this's all there is to life and its no so bad.

BOY

But mum, there's a whole world out there ready to be explored.

MOTHER

And there's much worse than Black Guards out there, I'll tell you that for true. There's devious dragons and deceitful fairies and ogres big as this house just waitin' for tasty young boys like yourself to happen along.

BOY

And beautiful brides and bountiful treasures and entire kingdoms just waiting for a noble champion to take the throne and lead its people through war to find peace and prosperity.

MOTHER

Well my noble champion, you eat your supper before the palace's kitchen turns your tastes too discerning for my simple cooking. You've a big day ahead of you so eat up. Travel's all the better on a full belly.

Boy picks at his food for a moment. Once the moment has passed he becomes animated with excitement.

BOY

If I'm the chosen one I'll finally know why it is I don't fit in with anyone around me. All the people of this town seem so content to lead their lives just as their parents did and their parents before them. How is it that none of them strive for nothing more?

Boy awaits his mother's answer but Mother ignores her son's ranting, it occurs frequently and she's learned to allow it to run its course unabated.

BOY

I'll never understand the complacency of the people in this town. Are they truly satisfied to be born here only to die here with as little as they had upon entering this world?

MOTHER

I must say these potatoes are excellent.

BOY

Are you even listening to me mum?

Mother disregards her plate for a moment realizing that she is not lucky enough to merely let Boy ramble on per usual.

MOTHER

Son, I know yer dissatisfied with your life but its what you are, love. Sooner or later you have to give up your reveries and start living the life that's been given you cause its the only one you've got.

BOY

But I want so much more! I want adventure and strange lands and beasts to slay and maidens to rescue and epic quests to go on. I want more for myself!

MOTHER

Then you'd best be off for the oracle then. Mayhaps she'll set you aright and I can hear no more of this talk of epic quests and adventurings.

Boy rises from table with joy.

BOY

You're right mum. Time to see the oracle and hear of my destiny away from all this mud and swine and chickens.

Boy almost hops off stage left unable to contain his glee. Mother returns to her food.

After a moment passes MAN, shirtless, peaks out of stage right.

MAN

Is he gone?

MOTHER

Thought he'd never leave, that one.

SCENE TWO

The oracle's inner chamber contains no windows and only one entrance. A thick haze of incense smoke hangs in the air shifting in whirlpools with each bodily gesture. The dusty, stone walls have seen many spirits evoked from the ether as well as entities drawn from the outer planes of existence where they were charged with tasks no mortal ear should lend itself to. Secrets bind this chamber together and mysteries mortar the stones one to another. Forbidden knowledge permeates the air far more thickly than the smoke of burnt sage.

Stage left there stands an altar atop of which lies straw effigies, crudely wrought statuettes of gods, a stone dish filled with blood, and candlesticks caked in melted wax from a hundred burnt candles. The altar is adorned with ancient runes carved into the front and sides lending an air of hidden wisdom and hard won understanding to the room.

Aside from the altar there is a table when the ORACLE stands preparing a hallucinogenic tea for her journey into the spirit realm. She crushes a mix of herbs in a wooden bowl with a pestle and then empties the bowl's contents into a ceremonial chalice followed by steaming hot water.

Oracle breathes in the aroma from the chalice and is just about to drink when Boy nervously enters from right.

BOY

Hel-lo?

ORACLE

Greetings child.

BOY

Hello.

Boy looks around the chamber not knowing what to make of his surroundings. He has barely stepped away from the entrance and moments of silence pass between the two before being broken by Oracle.

ORACLE

And what is it I may do for you?

Boy is anxious at his surroundings being in a completely foreign atmosphere than he is used to. It doesn't help that Oracle is there; an older woman who oozes sexuality, Boy is after all only 16 and has no experience with women his own age let alone a sexualized older woman.

BOY

I'm here to see if I'm the chosen one who'll rid our kingdom of Grakkar and the Black Guard.

Oracle smiles and gently sets her chalice back on the table.

ORACLE

I see. Do you think you're the chosen one?

BOY

Oh I'd certainly like to be.

ORACLE

Is that so?

BOY

Deep down I know that I'm not meant for a normal life. Since I was a boy I felt there's something special about me, like I've a different life awaiting me. Different from the other boys who tend their father's livestock or marry girls and settle into their existence remaining in the same small town they were born into, never leaving it and never striving for more.

Oracle crosses the stage approaching Boy, he shies away from her causing her to laugh lightly at his tension/anxiety.

ORACLE

And what would be so terrible about a 'normal' life?

BOY

Its just not for me ma'am.

ORACLE

And you think all this {gestures to chamber} suits me? Do you believe I enjoy being trapped within these walls communing with spirits and conjuring up wisdom from worlds your eyes will never behold? Visions from beyond haunt me by day and torment me by night. Were I to choose my life I would have chosen children and a husband to provide them to me.

BOY

But if you never had your visions and had always lived a normal life then you'd not appreciate the banalities of a mundane and uneventful existence. If normalcy was all you knew then it would be all you know.

ORACLE

Such a wizened young man you are. Often we want what we can not obtain simply because we cannot obtain it. But were I a wife and a mother I doubt I would strive for this life that I live now.

BOY

Perhaps not but in your dreams you would long to be a princess or a queen. Perhaps you would dream that your mundane life was all some sort of ruse and imagine that one day a messenger for a magical land would come and tell you of your divine duties and how in actuality you are to be the saviour of an entire world but simply hadn't know it up until that point. Then you'd be taken from your dreary life and whisked away to an enchanted realm where you would aid the armies of the land against a darkness that threatens all that is good. And though the battle is dire and seemingly unwinnable you are the one who solves an ancient riddle that brings victory over all adversity. While there you would meet a handsome, courageous soldier who loves you in a way that only minstrels sing of. With love by your side and evil banished from your lands you could rule over all your subjects, a benevolent matriarch in a magnificent palace and all the world exhibiting adoration toward you.

ORACLE

What makes you think I do not dream of such things now? But here I am and here I shall remain. We all have our duties, we all have our role to fulfill and each one of us has a purpose even if some would consider it a bore; or in my case a burden. There is need for a great many things in this life and rarely are they of our choosing.

BOY

I think you can change your destiny, I think that fate would allow for that. Why wouldn't we be allowed to obtain what we want?

ORACLE

I can tell you that your fate is not as the chosen one. It may be possible for destiny to be changed, but not in this instance. Not as I see it.

Boy refuses to believe her.

BOY

Isn't there some kind of ritual or something you should perform to test me? Some quest I need to be sent on or a sword that needs pulling from a stone?

ORACLE

It is rare that we are allowed to obtain a goal that consumes us wholly. And it is the mercy of the universe that prohibits us from obtaining such goals.

BOY

Is there no other way for you to test me to make sure I am not the chosen one?

ORACLE

Come closer.

Boy hesitates.

ORACLE

Come closer. I will not bite without permission.

Boy wearily approaches Oracle. Oracle takes hold of Boy and pulls him far closer to her than he is comfortable being.

Oracle loudly spits into her hands and rubs them together feverishly. Again she spits in her hands and rubs them together even more getting them good and slimy.

Oracle then grabs Boy's face covering it with her spittle. Her hands are so caked with saliva that the sound of her rubbing it into Boy's face is audible to all.

After a minute of rubbing and grossness Oracle removes her hands.

ORACLE

There, still not the chosen one. Now off with you, your mother's waiting.

Boy stands for a moment with slumped shoulders and a face covered in spit.

ORACLE

Go! Go go go go go.

Oracle shoos Boy off stage right. He exits grudgingly.

SCENE THREE

Boy enters from left walking through a pristine forest that has remained the same for thousands of years, a forest untouched by the machinations of man. Woodland creatures can be heard stirring in the distance calling out to their mates in echoing chirps and occasionally they rattle the foliage in the eye's periphery. Ancient trees loom overhead creating a canopy that allows only slivers of sunlight to penetrate. The grass below Boy's feet are perpetually dew-laden. The flowers seem as though they hold their blossoms year round. Insects hover in droves uninterested in the young human who is strange to their environment.

Boy's shoulders are slumped as he walks with his head down partly to watch his step for obstructions and partly out of despair at Oracle's lack of revelation. He slowly marches home to the inevitable fate of a normal life wanting nothing more than to be special.

Suddenly something catches Boy's eye off stage right stopping him in his tracks.

BOY

Who's there?

OLD MAN (OFF STAGE RIGHT)

NO ONE!

Boy begins cautiously approaching stage right.

OLD MAN (OFF STAGE RIGHT)

WAIT! DON'T COME ANY CLOSER!

BOY

Why? Are you some hideously deformed monster or did an evil witch cast an enchantment on you that disfigures anyone who draws near thereby cursing you to a lonely existence of being forced to distance yourself from your loved ones for their own safety?

OLD MAN (OFF STAGE RIGHT)

No, I just farted.

BOY

Oh.

OLD MAN (OFF STAGE RIGHT)

Yeah.

OLD MAN enters from right.

OLD MAN

Should be safe now.

BOY

Do you... do you live out here?

OLD MAN

I do! You see, I am on a life long quest for knowledge. I came to these woods 40 years ago to ponder the existence of humanity, wisdom I felt necessary to aid my fellow man. When I was young I looked all about me and saw only people suffering uneventful lives, slaves one and all to the comforts of a commoner's existence. I vowed to enter these woods in order to gain understanding from nature and then return to society where I would loosen the bonds of servitude wrapped tightly around the wrists of the people; binding held for so long that they had no idea they were even fettered and no concept of a time when they were not.

Boy grows excited.

BOY

Did you gain the understanding of human existence necessary to aid your fellow man?

OLD MAN

Oh yes!

Boy's excitement grows.

BOY

Did you return to society to loosen the bonds of servitude that held the people for so long?

OLD MAN

I did indeed!

Boy's excitement peaks.

BOY

And they praised you as a hero when you freed them from their commoner's existence?!

OLD MAN

No!

Boy deflates with confusion.

OLD MAN

I wanted to be their hero, I wanted to transcend the life of peasantry so I devoted myself entirely to mining the depths of the human psyche in solitary, philosophical pursuits. I wanted to save people from themselves but upon my return to civilization I learnt that people didn't want to be saved. In fact, they rather hated me from trying to save them.

Boy begins to become excited once more.

BOY

So you chose to leave the people and return here to continue your philosophical pursuits searching for another way to open the eyes of the peasants so they could realize that there is more to life then what they clung to? Is that why you came back to these woods?

OLD MAN

Sort of, sort of. I was told by the townspeople I could either leave or they would decorate the local tavern with my head on a spit.

BOY

That's terrible.

OLD MAN

I'm sure the children would've gotten a kick out of it.

BOY

And now you are up here, isolated from everyone?

OLD MAN

Yes.

BOY

All alone in these woods as you have been the past 40 years.

OLD MAN

It does get rather lonely up here.

BOY

With no one to speak to and no one to care for you?

Boy and Old Man's conversation begins to diverge so they more speak to themselves than each other.

OLD MAN

Its been so long since I've had real contact with anyone.

BOY

And here you will live out your days with no one to even mourn your passing?

OLD MAN

Its been so long since I've had a woman.

BOY

All because you wanted nothing more than to live a life that held more than sheep and rearing children.

OLD MAN

It wasn't so difficult at first, without women.

BOY

More than that, you wanted to help others in the process.

OLD MAN

But then I became... appallingly adjusted.

BOY

You sought out the wisdom it would require to aid your fellow man.

OLD MAN

The animals in these woods can be rather difficult to catch. {with hand gestures near

crotch} And even more difficult to-

BOY

And they rebuked you for your efforts.

Old Man's attention turns to Boy in a manner resembling that of a carrion bird.

OLD MAN

{referring to Boy} You... such a lovely... young... lad you are.

BOY

They even mocked you for it.

OLD MAN

It really has been a long while.

BOY

Just as they mock me.

OLD MAN

Oh... yessss.

BOY

Oh yes. I too cannot cope with the life of the common people. I too wished to be more in this life than a mere means of furthering the species.

OLD MAN

Hmmmm... yesssss.

BOY

When I heard the prophesy of the chosen one I just knew it would be me. Since I was a boy I knew I was unlike those around me and perhaps that was the reason for it.

OLD MAN

No one around for miles.

BOY

But the oracle... she took one look at me and knew I wasn't the chosen one. There's no prophesy for me to fulfill, only discontent and longing.

Old Man snaps out of his lecherous ogling determined to set his devious plot in motion.

OLD MAN

The oracle you say?

Boy reconnects to his conversation with Old Man.

BOY

Yes. She told me I was not the chosen hero who would rescue this land from the persecution of Grakkar and the Black Guard.

OLD MAN

Who?

BOY

Grakkar and the-

OLD MAN

Never mind.

BOY

In any event, the oracle-

OLD MAN

No no! You see the oracle was correct in telling you you were not the chosen one for even she had her part to play in the grander scheme of the prophesy.

Excitement once again fills Boy, an easily evoked emotion in him; he wants to believe what others tell him if it suits what he desires.

BOY

Really?!

OLD MAN

Didn't anyone tell you? There was another prophesy that told of how the oracle would be mistaken and how she would tell the chosen one that he wasn't the chosen one but in fact he is indeed just that.

BOY

Is that true?!

OLD MAN

Do you believe me?

BOY

Yes!

OLD MAN

Then it is!

BOY

Me?! The chosen one?! I can hardly believe it! When the oracle told me-

OLD MAN

She told you what you needed to hear to set you on the path to becoming the hero of this land. Were it not for her telling you you were not the chosen one you never would have come to these woods and you never would have met me. Every hero needs a wizened old man to train him how best to defeat this Brakken-

BOY

Grakkar.

OLD MAN

Grakkar character of yours.

BOY

And you're the wizened old man who'll train me?!

OLD MAN

Oh no, not me boy. You need {pause for emphasis} The Wizard of the Woods.

BOY

Are you not he?

OLD MAN

I know much, but The Wizard of the Woods is who you need. He stands tall over the forest and is in-satiable when it comes to turning boys such as you into men such as you wish to be.

BOY

He can give me the experience I need to become a man?!

OLD MAN

{with sinister intent} Nothing would bring him more pleasure.

BOY

Where is this Wizard of the Woods?! I wish to begin my training him immediately!

OLD MAN

I will rouse him from his slumber. Close your eyes, close them tightly, and soon you will experience things you never dreamt possible.

BOY

Nothing would give me more joy!

OLD MAN

Close your eyes then and await {pauses for emphasis} The Wizard of the Woods.

Boy covers his eyes with his hands, as he does so the stage lights fall to darkness.

Once dark, Old Man gleefully exits right.

Moments pass and Boy opens the fingers of one hand, as he does so the stage lights dimly rise.

OLD MAN (OFF STAGE RIGHT)

No peaking now.

Boy hurriedly closes his fingers causing the stage to darken once more.

Old Man enters from right sneaking across stage to stand next to Boy.

OLD MAN

Are you ready to meet The Wizard of the Woods?

BOY

Oh yes!

OLD MAN

Do you wish to know him and all his teachings?

BOY

More than anything!

OLD MAN

Do you want The Wizard of the Woods to ensure you will live a life far different from any of those around you?

BOY

Yes! That is exactly what I want! I want it more than anything!

OLD MAN

Then behold...

Boy pulls his hands from his eyes with unabashed anticipation, as he does the lights come back up revealing Old Man who stands next to Boy with a massive erection tent-poling his robe.

OLD MAN

THE WIZARD OF THE WOODS!!!!!!

Lights dim to darkness.

EPILOGUE

Mother's house.

Mother sweeps the same floor with the same sparsely haired broom while humming the same song.

Boy enters from left. He walks as though pained, like he has broken his tailbone.

Upon Boy's entrance Mother looks up from her chore with an attitude of mild chastening; she was worried about him but she is so acquainted with the medieval-era life of continual illnesses and casual deaths she would not have been shocked had Boy never returned.

With cautious, aggrieved steps Boy makes his way to the table.

MOTHER

Where have you been this last week? Worried sick about you I was. Feared you'd caught your death somewhere.

Boy, ever so gently, sits down on a chair.

BOY

I was... in the woods. The oracle... she told me I wasn't the chosen one. But then-

MOTHER

Well I know you weren't the chosen one deary. The oracle found him and he's already defeated Grakkar and the Black Guard all by his lonesome.

BOY

Grakkar's...

MOTHER

Vanquished and forgotten he is. And good riddance; a right scoundrel that one.

BOY

But I was supposed to be the-

MOTHER

That chosen one really proved that he was indeed the one they'd been prophesying over all these years.

Boy is crushed.

BOY

Who... ...who was the chosen one?

MOTHER

Oh just some poor lad didn't wanna be. Usually how such things go; he wanted nothing more than a family and a farm but now he's our new king so he'll never get any of that for himself. Nothing for it I'm afraid.

BOY

But the old man...

MOTHER

What old man?

BOY

... and... The Wizard of the Woods...

MOTHER

Wizard of the... what are you on about?

BOY

They taught me... {cringes} so many things.

MOTHER

Aye? What'd they teach you then?

Boy thinks on his lessons for a moment before responding.

BOY

That wisdom doesn't come easily, understanding is hard to obtain, and wishing to be something you're not is nothing but a big pain in the ass.

Boy painstakingly rises from his chair.

BOY

Now if you'll excuse me I'm going to go weep bitterly for a while a try very hard not to hang myself.

MOTHER

Have fun with that dear. Good to have you back and all. When you're well rested you'll have to tell me all about your little adventure in the woods.

BOY

No... no I don't think I'll be doing that.

MOTHER

Cheers to that then love, cheers to that.

Boy walks toward stage left exit.

BOY

And you can tell your boyfriend to come out now, I'm leaving.

MOTHER

Boyfriend?! Listen at you now, have another at my expense will you?

Boy exits left.

After a moment passes WOMAN, shirtless, peaks out of stage right.

WOMAN

Is he gone?

MOTHER

Thought he'd never leave, that one.

The end.
The Population of the Moon
SCENE ONE

In the Control Room (central location for entirety of play). To left is a communications console with several monitors, a desk of buttons/switches/uplink jacks for headphones/etc and there are two chairs at console. Center stage against back wall is a tall control panel for the moon surface robots fitted with knobs/monitors/gauges/buttons/levers with operator required to stand. Stage right is fitted with table/chairs used for eating and conferences.

JONES sits at communications console with headphones on her head intently monitoring the surface activity of the moon as well as the communications connection to Earth. STANTON sits beside her facing away from the console listlessly swiveling her chair back and forth. FINN has his back to the audience controlling his robots as they install a newly-arrived communications dish; he is in deep concentration while about his meticulous work. RICHARDS walks about the room anxiously going from sitting at the table to meandering about looking over people's shoulders out of boredom.

JONES

Status report. Communication's link with Earth is temporarily down while the new-

FINN

WOULD YOU SHUT THAT HOLE IN YOUR FACE WOMAN!

Jones is startled/hurt by Finn's lashing. All others are used to such outbursts and have as little tolerance for Jones as Finn does; they are nonchalant toward the yelling.

JONES

I'm only-

STANTON (TO JONES)

God! Would you just shut up?

Richards approaches Finn.

RICHARDS

How's everything coming along?

FINN

Coming along? Oh, with the installation of the new communications dish? Well... quite smashingly except for the constant interruptions. But I don't expect you to comprehend the complexities of my work, you... you mechanical engineer. While you piddle with soulless machines removing this maintenance panel or replacing that circuit board I am controlling sophisticated robotics with bodies much like our own but far superior to the soft flesh of humanity. I construct and dictate the actions of arms that hold 10 times the strength of mortal man. I command these beings who walk the surface of the moon without need of external breathing apparatuses or body suits meant to protect them from the harsh cold of outer space. I formulate algorithms that cause these beings' intelligence to grow and expand exponentially so that they may teach themselves and learn from their experiences making them within a single week more intelligent than your average lotto playing, sports following simpleton would ever willingly aspire to be.

Finn stares at Richards who has taken Finn's tirade to heart.

FINN

But here, {Finn produces a screwdriver from his pocket} have a screwdriver. Now go find a wiring harness somewhere that demands your attention. {as if to a child} And remember now; lefty loosey, righty tighty.

Richards takes screwdriver and walks back over to the table downtrodden.

DR. LILITH enters from left. She looks down intently at her opened, leather-bound notebook.

JONES (TO FINN)

Do you have to be so mean? Richards was only trying-

DR. LILITH

Jones? No one cares.

Jones meekly turns back to her monitors. Finn continues his work turning knobs, pressing buttons, throwing levers and monitoring his robot's activities.

DR. LILITH (TO FINN)

How's everything coming along?

Finn sharply shoots Dr. Lilith daggers.

JONES

We still have communications with Earth for another-

DR. LILITH

Must I perpetually call attention to the fact that you are a waste of oxygen? And with every word you speak you waste even more.

STANTON

Its coming along fine. They're about to switch out the old dish for the new one.

Richards snaps out of his downtrodden funk at the chance to have a conversation starter.

RICHARDS

Stanton? What time is dinner tonight?

STANTON

The same time it is every night.

RICHARDS

What are you planning on-

Stanton's irritation is obvious; not at Richards for asking the question but because of the food situation itself.

STANTON

The same thing I serve every night. Two portions Food Paste 1 with a half portion of Food Paste 3. Or Paste 3 with a little of Paste 2 marinated in Paste 1. Perhaps just a double serving of Paste 4 since everyone loves Paste 4 so much. And maybe, just maybe, we'll be lucky enough to have a little extra Paste 5 tonight since with our food generating machine WE NEVER KNOW WHEN WE'LL DEPLETE OUR ENDLESS SUPPLY OF PASTE FIVE SO LET'S USE IT SPARINGLY!

Dr. Lilith marks something down in her notebook.

DR. LILITH

Have you been practicing the breathing exercises I recommended in last week's session?

Stanton calms herself.

STANTON

Yeah but they don't always-

MARCUS bursts in from right. He speed walks with an over-abundance of energy resulting from the white powder he recently sniffed that still covers his nose. His speech is rapid and one can imagine his heart about to jump out of his chest.

MARCUS

MOOWAHH! NA NA NAA NA.

Marcus speed walks over to all on stage one-by-one grabbing and gyrating their hands in way of introducing himself. All are dumbfounded by his behavior and don't know what to do other than let Marcus clasp their hand, save for Finn who glares at Marcus as he makes his way to the robotics control panel; Marcus (with Finn's hands busy on the console) instead beats out a pattering rap on Finn's shoulder. All this is done while ad-libbing various unintelligible sounds along with 'hellos'.

MARCUS

HI HI HI. HOW GOES HOW GOES. BRUUUHADA. GOOD GOOD GOOD. GOOOOD GRAVY MERLERLERLERLER. WOOOO! GOOD TIMES GOOD TIMES. GRAVY BAVY. HEHNOW. BLATH-OW!

Dr. Dee and JELLY enter from right. Both are nonplussed by Marcus' erratic behavior.

Richards immediately brightens at the sight of Dr. Dee.

DR. DEE

I see you've all met Captain Marcus.

Marcus stands by the table looking as though his arm hairs are about to jump off his skin and run away there's so much energy coursing through his body.

RICHARDS

Hello Dr. Dee.

DR. DEE

Richards. And this is-

MARCUS

JELLY! BWAHAHAHAHA! WHATTA WASTE OF A MAN!

JELLY

Ensign Gerald Masters, pleased to meet you all.

JONES

Is your friend going to be okay?

JELLY

Oh he's not my {notices Jones and immediately falls in loves with her}... friend.

DR. DEE (TO JELLY)

You don't have to talk to her.

JELLY

Who... ... is that?

DR. DEE

Jones? The communications expert NARSA saw fit to curse us with. Don't worry, we've put in for a transfer. Actually we'd hoped you had brought her replacement with you.

JONES

You know I can hear everything you're-

DR. DEE

Dear girl, whatever led you to believe I didn't want you to hear what I was saying?

Jones, again with her feelings hurt, turns back to her console choking back tears.

FINN

AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRR!!! I HATE YOU ALL AND YOUR INCESSANT CHATTERINGS!

STANTON

What, prey tell, is that powder all over the good captain's nose?

JELLY

VCR.

STANTON

What's-

Marcus stiffens body locking elbows/knees and pointing an accusatory finger across stage at Stanton in one split second movement of his body.

MARCUS

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT ITS NOT! VISIBLE COCAINE RESIDUE!

Dr. Dee rubs his chin for a moment.

DR. DEE

Hmmm. Substance abuse. Perhaps I'll need to see you-

DR. LILITH

Substance abuse is psychological. No dice.

Dr. Dee is disappointed at the news.

DR. DEE

Yes, I suppose you're right. How are you feeling Dr. Lilith?

DR. LILITH

Just fine Dr. Dee.

Dr. Dee walks over to Stanton.

DR. DEE

And you?

STANTON

Fit as a fiddle doc. Sorry.

Dr. Dee turns to Finn.

DR. DEE

And-

FINN (TO THE CEILING)

BBBAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWW!!!!

Dr. Dee walks over to Jones who becomes girlishly excited at the possibility of positive attention. Dr. Dee looks at her and thinks better of asking. He turns away and Jones' shoulders slouch in disappointment, she returns to her console forlorn.

Dr. Dee approaches Richards.

RICHARDS

You may inspect me if you like.

FINN (TO HIMSELF)

New communications dish successfully installed. Activating... ... ... NOW.

Finn throws a lever activating the new dish.

Jones becomes incredibly tense at what she has just seen on her monitor.

JONES

GUYS!

FINN

My work here is done. Now if you'll excuse me-

JONES

OH MY GOD GUYS! SOMETHING'S-

DR. LILITH

Please! Will you spare us your inanity?!

Stanton turns toward the monitors for the first time and her jaw drops.

JONES

NO REALLY ITS-

DR. DEE

Must I tranquilize you Jones? I thought we'd moved passed that.

JONES

WOULD YOU JUST-

STANTON

Guys?

All the crew's attention turns to Stanton. Stanton turns in her seat.

STANTON

Its the Earth.

DR. LILITH

What about it?

STANTON

Its not there anymore.

All look to one another with confusion/fear.

Fade out.

SCENE TWO

The Console Room. All characters present on stage: Jones, Jelly, Marcus, Finn sit at table; Stanton and Dr. Lilith sit together at communications console facing table; Dr. Dee meanders about the stage with Richards following like a puppy.

Marcus shivers uncontrollably hugging himself, he's experiencing DTs. Jelly pays little attention to those around him as he rests elbow on table and chin on hand making googly eyes at Jones who has still not allowed her 'cutesy' demeanor to be altered. Dr. Lilith and Stanton are surprisingly comfortable with the situation verging on stoicism, they sit closer together than mere colleagues normally would. Dr. Dee is deep in thought and Richards is ever-ready to attend to him. Finn is as curmudgeon as ever.

MARCUS

My... very... soul itches right now.

JONES

What's wrong with him?

JELLY

He ran out of drugs. Its funny how back on Earth everyone thought he was the coolest guy ever. But get him around sophisticated people, like you Vanessa, and they see him for what he really is.

JONES

Which is what?

JELLY

God you have beautiful eyes.

Jones looks a little creeped out by Jelly and turns away from him. This does not deter his staring at her one bit.

MARCUS

My hair is freez-ing.

DR. DEE

Everyone? Now, as you all know it would appear that the planet Earth was destroyed yesterday. And there's a very good chance that we're all that's left of humanity.

DR. LILITH

I'd say its a pretty solid chance.

DR. DEE

Do any of you know if there were manned missions in space that could still be unaware of what's going on?

STANTON

I doubt it. I mean, NARSA hasn't had proper funding for years. We were all recruited from the private sector and the only reason NARSA had money for that was grants and donations.

RICHARDS

Most of the equipment they've been sending into space is over 20 years old and too rickety to chance sending a crew to man them. NARSA retrofitted all their space crafts with self-sustaining operational programs but they were so short on manpower it took upwards of 10 years to send anything up. Even then it was launched from commercial crafts owned by companies that felt sorry for them and let a ship or two piggy-back on tourism flights during sight-seeing tours in the upper atmosphere.

JONES

So we're really all that's left?

Dr. Dee stares hatefully at Jones for speaking. After a pause he repeats her question.

DR. DEE

So its safe to say we're the only ones left then?

DR. LILITH

Even if there are others out there more than likely they're too far away to make a difference to us one way or the other.

RICHARDS

Am I the only one who's a little curious as to what exactly happened to the Earth?

FINN

I believe I can answer that. You see these {indicating Marcus/Jelly} IMBECILES must have brought the wrong dish with them. Instead of a new communications dish we undoubtedly received a decommissioned yet still functional weapon that when activated uses radio frequencies to penetrate and excite the molten core of a targeted planet. Basically the Earth popped like a pimple.

JONES

Wouldn't we have heard something like-

FINN

THERE'S NO SOUND IN SPACE YOU IDIOT!!!

DR. DEE

Finn, let's try to remain calm.

Jones is warmly appreciative of Dr. Dee standing up for her.

JONES

Thanks Dr.-

DR. DEE

Shut up.

Marcus has entered 'mantra' mode trying to focus his anguish on a pattern of words.

MARCUS

Penetrate and excite. Penetrate and excite. Penetrate and excite.

STANTON

So we think we know what happened to Earth and we're pretty sure we're all that's left of humanity. What now?

FINN

What now?! What 'what now'?

Jones notices that Jelly is still staring at her.

JONES

You're... staring at me.

JELLY

Yeaaahhhh.

STANTON

Well we can't just sit up here feeling doomed, we have to do something. Anything. We have to have a purpose.

DR. LILITH

She's right. If we don't have something to work toward we'll spiral into despair. Being that we are all that remains of our species it is our duty to prolong our existence as a people and as a society.

RICHARDS

If we're going to be all that's left we owe it to all the past generations, from the primordial pool to the present, to carry on all our knowledge and our genetic make up and all that we've learned and all that we-

FINN

You can't seriously be considering procreation can you?

DR. DEE

Finn, I think that's the obvious decision.

FINN

That's preposterous! Most of our knowledge, history and genealogy died along with that moss-covered rock you bunch seem so dead set on deifying. What are we going to teach future generations? Hmm? Half-remembered historical tales? A departmentalized understanding of science? Perhaps we can educate them with your longing for a decimated planet so they can daydream about a world they'll never know that frankly wasn't worth knowing in the first place.

JELLY (TO JONES)

Can I just... hold your hand?

Jones slowly rises from the table while keeping an eye on her soon-to-be stalker and then crosses to the other side of the room.

DR. DEE

All in favor of breeding raise your hand.

All but Finn and Marcus raises their hand, Marcus is still hugging himself for warmth.

MARCUS

My body is a vessel filled with phalanges.

DR. LILITH

Then its decided. Now all that's left is to figure out how we'll go about it.

DR. DEE

Obviously all the women should be impregnated. That way we can ensure that the gene pool remains diversified.

STANTON

Yeah sorry, that's not going to happen.

RICHARDS

Why wouldn't-

Stanton puts her arm over Dr. Lilith's shoulder. Dr. Lilith clasps Stanton's hand affectionately.

RICHARDS

Ooohhhhh.

STANTON

Yeah we're pretty gay for each other.

DR. DEE

What about artificial insemination?

STANTON

Sorry, all we have on board is food paste. Hence no turkey baster.

DR. DEE

But that just leaves...

Dr. Dee looks over at Jones with disgust. Jones giggles and smiles at the prospect of being naturally inseminated.

DR. DEE

Oh god.

Richards steps up to Dr. Dee so their bodies are touching.

RICHARDS

Well, we can't impregnate her.

FINN

You two are gay as well? The women I suspected but you two? Why didn't you tell us?

DR. DEE

Frankly we didn't think it was any of your business.

RICHARDS

Plus you're all pretty self-centered. We didn't think it'd matter whether you knew or not.

Jelly rises nobly from his seat and directs his words toward Jones.

JELLY

I, Gerald T. Masters, will give you my seed. And with that seed, we will save the human race itself.

JONES

I don't-

JELLY

And I vow to plant my seed with tenderness and affection. We two, will usher in a new age of life. We two, will populate the moon with our love.

Finn decides to have a go at everyone.

FINN

Who's to say the volunteer should get to impregnate her? For the good of our lineage I think it best to have a contest of some sort to decide who puts the proverbial bun in the sow's proverbial oven.

JONES

Now just hold on-

FINN

The winner of the contest would be best equipped to spawn and spawn and spawn until our moon base here is veritably overflowing with little turdlings. Of course I myself cannot participate, I'm barren as the driven snow. But the rest of you...

DR. LILITH

We could probably work up a test of some sort to see who's DNA is best suited for the task.

JELLY

But...

Richards shows his ignorance of medical science.

RICHARDS

Why don't we just... mix... samples from everyone together and... ... I guess pour them in?

JONES

I think I-

Dr. Dee is frustrated at the prospect of possibly having to have sex with Jones.

DR. DEE

Why don't all us boys just gang up on her? One big orgy so no one knows for sure who the father is. It'd be like drawing straws but stickier.

It would not be difficult to convince Jones of the orgy idea.

JONES

Well...

FINN

I vote for fight to the death. The winner can have her as spoils.

A cacophony of opinions break out with all speaking over one another until Jones shouts out.

STANTON

I don't see why you can't just-

DR. LILITH

Maybe if we-

DR. DEE

But what about-

RICHARDS

Am I the only-

MARCUS

Marsupial... PISS!

JELLY

But from the moment I saw-

STANTON

take turns at sleeping-

DR. LILITH

have a written test to evaluate-

DR. DEE

that fool {referring to Jelly} over there who actually wants-

RICHARDS

one that thinks maybe we should-

MARCUS

If a thousand insects had a thou-

JELLY

I could tell we were-

JONES

HOLD ON A MINUTE!!

All fall silent.

JONES

My womb, I decide. GOT IT?!

Stanton looks over at Dr. Lilith dismissively.

STANTON

Whatever floats the canoe up her stream.

JELLY

Vanessa, my dear dear Vanessa Jones. I would-

Jones points a sharp finger at Dr. Dee/Richards.

JONES

You.

A little life drains from Jelly; his mouth drops and his shoulders droop.

DR. DEE

What?

JONES

Both of you.

RICHARDS

You can't be serious.

JONES

Oh yes I can. You're both intelligent, in peak physical condition and wouldn't have been assigned to this crew if you hadn't passed a slew of psychological examinations and DNA inspections ensuring that you were the best that NARSA could get there hands on. Either one of you would be suitable donors.

DR. DEE

But why both of us?

JONES

Because I said so. Now are you going to back up your belief of repopulating the species or does the human race die with us?

Dr. Dee lowers his head. Richards becomes outraged at Jones.

RICHARDS

Absolutely not!

DR. DEE

I'll do it.

Richards' attitude changes instantly at Dr. Dee's decision.

RICHARDS

Me too.

JONES

Alright then, let's go.

DR. DEE

Now?

JONES

Right now.

Jones turns and exits left.

Dr. Dee and Richards look at one another with gloom, then exit left behind Jones as if they were walking to their doom.

DR. LILITH

That was certainly unexpected.

STANTON

Can't say I thought that's how this meeting was going to end up.

Stanton and Dr. Lilith shrug their shoulders, rise, then exit right.

Jelly is still devastated by Jones' decision.

JONES

But...

Jones slowly walks away exiting right. He barely picks up his feet as he goes.

Marcus, still hugging himself fruitlessly trying to ward off his shivers, bolts after Jelly exiting right.

MARCUS

Jesus Jelly! Don't leave me alone I have to puke!

The stage is silent for a moment with only Finn remaining.

Finn eventually breaks the silence.

FINN

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Finn rises from seat.

FINN

Those fools! While they're off rutting their puny brains out I will be left undisturbed to set into motion a plan I should have begun ages ago. I will rear a race of super robots who will pick up where humanity stumbled. I will create society anew as I see fit!

Finn raises his fists in the air calling out to the sky.

FINN

I WILL HERALD IN A NEW AGE OF CIVILIZATION WITH AN ARMY OF SELF REPLICATING ROBOTS WHO WILL BE SPARED THE FUTILE KNOWLEDGE OF HOMOSAPIEN EXISTENCE SAVE FOR ME, THEIR ONE AND ABSOLUTE GOD!!!! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

Fade out.

SCENE THREE

The Console Room. The only character on stage at present is Dr. Lilith. She sits alone at table writing in her journal.

After a moment of solitary writing, Stanton enters from left joining her lover at the table. Stanton greets Dr. Lilith from behind with a warm kiss to the doctor's neck, Dr. Lilith responds with a relaxed smile and caresses the side of Stanton's face.

Stanton takes a seat at the table.

STANTON

What are you doing out here all alone?

DR. LILITH

I've been neglecting my journal since there's no one on Earth I'm required to report to any longer. But I thought it may be good for me to remember my old routines so I decided to update my status reports whether there's anyone out there to receive them or not.

STANTON

Doesn't sound like such a bad thing to be doing. All things considered everyone seems to be holding up okay but anything that can be done to help stave off 'the crazy' probably should be done.

DR. LILITH

How about you?

Stanton is tired yet still conversationally playful.

STANTON

How about me what?

Stanton's playfulness is infectious.

DR. LILITH

What has you up so late?

STANTON

Just wandering around. {smiles with sexual intent} And kinda wondering when you were coming to bed.

Dr. Lilith smiles to herself at the reminder that she has someone who cares for her.

DR. LILITH

You go to bed. I'll just be a little bit longer.

Stanton rises from table. She affectionately rubs Dr. Lilith's shoulder as she turns to begin exiting left.

STANTON

I'll leave you to it then. Don't keep me waiting long.

Dr. Lilith smiles and watches Stanton as she exits left.

Spotlight narrows onto Dr. Lilith as she continues to write in her journal. The following dialogue can be done from the actress herself but it would be more effective done as a voice-over from a recording session, especially if dialogue is given a 'dreamy' effect by any number of recording programs.

DR. LILITH

It has been two weeks since the Earth's destruction and the crew, unbeknownst even to themselves, have begun to splinter apart with personality-specific tendencies surfacing more and more with each passing day.

Jones' hopeless romanticism has steadily subsided, replaced by an overabundance of sexual activity. She is perpetually intoxicated with it; or as my cruder colleagues would say, she's always drunk on cock.

Attempts to inseminate Jones have proven 'fruitless' thus far. As for the males; Richards seems little affected by the process so long as his partner, Dr. Dee, is there to accompany him. These are 'trying' times for the both of them but Richards' obsession with the doctor grows stronger and stronger; I fear it will soon turn to intense jealousy. Dr. Dee, already dissatisfied with his duties on the moon base, has grown more vigilant with his examinations of the other crew members.It will not be long before, even without his own knowledge of doing so, he begins misdiagnosing his patients simply to cure his own boredom.

Jelly's unprecedented attraction to Jones has given way to despair in a very short period of time. I am of the impression that he has little experience with women and falls in love easily, especially with those who outright reject him. Like most men, and most people for that matter, Jelly wants that which he can not have. Ironically, in past sessions Jones herself has spoken to me of similar rejections from men; its as though she is rejecting Jelly in the same manner in which she has been rejected on numerous occasion. They both become infatuated easily driving away possible companions with too much affection way too soon. Its a pity they are so much alike or they'd be perfect for one another.

Finn, our robotics engineer, has become more distant over the past few weeks. Never being one to fraternize with his fellow crew members he has now almost completely isolated himself from the rest of us. But given Finn's inherent disposition of disliking all those around him I trust his mind most to remain strong and I truly feel that solitary activities are best for his eventual acceptance of our situation.

Marcus is the crew member I have been keeping the closest watch over. The various addictions have finally subsided and after passing through withdrawals it would seem that the slew of drugs in his system were suppressing an almost sociopathic mentality. Now that his true self has surfaced I am curious as well as cautious as to what lies in store from him.

As for Stanton and myself we are amicably adjusting to the situation. Stanton still prepares the crew's meals and has actually become less standoffish about her responsibilities. Perhaps the destruction of the Earth and the demise of its seemingly limitless supplies has made her appreciate our food replication device, even if said device can only produce limited varieties of nearly inedible food pastes.

I have begun keeping this journal once more not only as an act of mental occupation but also in hopes that when inevitable psychological breakdowns occur there can be some measure of forewarning through observation of symptoms and behavior. I still fear asking the crew to resume attending their weekly evaluations; without NARSA to report to I do not wish for them to become reactionary should they not understand that regular mental health evaluations would be a boon for the entire crew. Soon perhaps I will broach crew members individually and ease them back into their evaluations one person at a time.

Thus far there are good days and, as expected, there are bad. But so long as we remain a single, functioning unit the Earth's destruction does not have to mean the end of human civilization.

Lights come back up as Dr. Lilith closes her journal, rises from table, then exits left.

Jones enters from right. She bares a grin that couldn't be knocked off her face by a cement truck. Her walk is a slow stumble. Jones is intoxicated from continuous love making.

Jones plops down at the table.

JONES

Haaaaaaoooh boy. My god. I just... I just... ... wooow. I... can't believe how good I feel right now. Richards and Dr. Dee are just so... so... my god. We have sex for hours. And hours. And hours. When one is tired... there's the other one, right there. Richards is such a cuddler, and when we're done we just lie there and he holds me and it feels so nice. And Dr. Dee... he's so aggressive. He's... sooooo rough. It's... ... the best of both worlds. I have a little stable of cute boys at my disposal. {she pauses as a momentary sadness washes over her}I know they don't love me, they don't even particularly like me, but at least for a moment or two I can fool myself into thinking that they do. {her sadness mingles with euphoric escapism} I hope, and hope, and hope it never ends.

Dr. Dee and Richards enter from right. When they see Jones they stop in their tracks. Panicked at being noticed, they sneak around behind her with their backs as close to the far wall as possible.

Jones sluggishly rises from the table to exit right walking in the same measured steps as when she entered. As she makes her way out Dr. Dee/Richards scoot closer to stage left avoiding detection best they can in the small, open room.

JONES (TO HERSELF)

Time for round... number... number... ... who the hell knows anymore? Hehehehe.

Jones exits right.

Dr. Dee walks over to stage right entrance checking to make sure the coast is clear without noticing Richards following on his heels like a puppy.

When Dr. Dee is convinced Jones has truly gone he turns and is startled by Richards face-to-face proximity. Dr. Dee grimaces at his smiling lover before making his way over to and sitting down at the table. Richards is not far behind him and takes the seat next to Dr. Dee even though there are plenty of vacant seats available.

DR. DEE

My god.

RICHARDS

You know its not as bad as I thought it would be. Maybe I had Jones all wrong. I mean, I had sex with a few girls when I was a teenager-

DR. DEE

My god when will it all end?!

Richards changes his demeanor within a blink of an eye to match Dr. Dee's.

RICHARDS

Oh I know I'm so sick of her.

DR. DEE

Statistically speaking we should have impregnated her by now.

RICHARDS

I know! Her eggs need to get with the program.

DR. DEE

The first couple of days, sure, its for the good of civilization and all that. But my hatred toward her as a person and my resentment for having to procreate with her... no matter what I do she still wants me. I'm mean to her and I'm vulgar and rough; I pull at her and I pound at her, and she likes it! What's it take for a guy to get kicked out of a woman's bed around here?

RICHARDS

I have to say I am missing our alone time together. And when was the last time that we got to-

DR. DEE

And she hangs all over me now! I can't even pass Jones in the hall without her pulling at my arm or reaching up for a hug and if I don't comply she puts on her {with disgust} wittle pouty face. Its really starting to remind me a lot of-

Dr. Dee looks up at Richards who grins ignorantly at him.

DR. DEE

Wow.

RICHARDS

You know you could show me a little more attention while we're having sex with her.

Dr. Dee's head hangs low.

DR. DEE

I've got to do something. Something has to give. Something has to go my-

Jelly enters from left. He is depressed; his movement is slow, he is disheveled, he has given up all regard for appearing 'OK' to others. Jelly wears his sadness on his sleeve.

A light bulb goes off in Dr. Dee's head upon seeing Jelly.

DR. DEE

way.

JELLY

Hey guys.

Jelly approaches table and plops down in the seat next to Richards. For the entirety of this scene Jelly never looks at anyone as he speaks; its as though he is talking to himself, reciting internal dialogue that has permeated his thoughts in excruciating repetition. His head hardly ever rises, his eyes rarely leave the table before him.

Dr. Dee leans forward so he can speak across Richards to Jelly. Dr. Dee speaks with pseudo concern, almost patronizingly, to Jelly.

DR. DEE

Hey Jelly. How ya doin' buddy?

Richards smiles as he leans forward to be face-to-face with Dr. Dee.

JELLY

I've been better Dr. Dee.

Dr. Dee leans back to speak to Jelly across Richards.

DR. DEE

I hate to hear that Jelly, I really do.

Richards, still smiling, leans back to be face-to-face with his lover. Dr. Dee, frustrated, darts up from his seat and sits down on the other side of Jelly.

JELLY

I can't get her out of my mind. I just can't stop thinking about her.

DR. DEE

Really?! Er... that's too bad. Friend. Too bad indeed.

Richards leans forward to talk across Jelly to Dr. Dee.

RICHARDS

I'm thinking about lying down to get some sleep.

DR. DEE (TO JELLY)

Jones has really done a number on you, huh?

JELLY

From the first time I saw her I was head over heels. I've never felt that way about someone so quickly.

Richards leans back to speak across Jelly attempting to get Dr. Dee's attention.

RICHARDS

I'm going to bed now.

JELLY

It seems like I've waited my whole life for somebody like her and then the Earth blows up and I thought it was fate; to be here, with Jones. But I can't-

DR. DEE

How's your health Jelly? Any problems, physically?

Richards once again tries to get Dr. Dee's attention.

RICHARDS

I think I'll-

Jelly has no reaction whatsoever to Dr. Dee's yelling.

DR. DEE (TO RICHARDS)

GO! Go to bed. Stop announcing it and GO.

Richards chokes back tears. He rises and exits left with his head held low.

Dr. Dee watches Richards through glaring eyes as he exits. Dr. Dee then rises and meanders to and fro behind Jelly.

JELLY

I love her so much it scares me, you know?

Dr. Dee cringes.

DR. DEE

Yeeaaaah... sure.

Dr. Dee reaches down from behind and lifts Jelly's head so he can feel the lymph nodes below Jelly's jaw. He's examining them for irregularities.

JELLY

But its like the more I want her the less she wants me.

Jelly leans forward to drag his arms onto the table. In doing so he unintentionally leans away from Dr. Dee's hands.

JELLY

And I don't hold it against you that you're... ... that you're sleeping with her.

DR. DEE

I wish it were only sleeping.

Dr. Dee takes Jelly's wrist and checks his pulse, looking at his own watch as he does so.

JELLY

Jones is right there in front of me, all the time. Close enough that I could reach out and touch her... god I wish she wanted me to. At this point I just want to stop having feelings for Jones but they won't go away because I can't distance myself from her. I'm trapped here with her. Have you ever felt that way about someone?

Dr. Dee isn't really listening to Jelly.

A pause lingers causing Dr. Dee to assume he was supposed to be responding to a question he wasn't listening to so he overcompensates.

DR. DEE

Oh yeah, that's just wonderful! Idyllic even.

JELLY

What?

DR. DEE

What?

Jelly reverts back to his internal dialogue made external.

JELLY

Every time I even accidentally brush up against her skin I feel these little snaps of electricity where we touched. My heart jumps and I get butterflies in my stomach just from my arm grazing hers. How pathetic is that?

Dr. Dee, still standing behind Jelly, produces a syringe from his pocket. He uncaps it, holds it to the light and flicks it to get the air bubbles out.

DR. DEE

Pathetic? I'd say easily taken advantage of.

JELLY

I just don't even know anymore.

Jelly rises surprising Dr. Dee into hiding the syringe behind his back while producing a contrived smile to mask his plotting.

JELLY

Well I'm back to wallow in my own misery for a while.

Jelly begins to wander off stage left. Dr. Dee puts his arm around Jelly's shoulder and exits with him displaying the syringe behind his back for the audience to see.

DR. DEE

You know Jelly, I think we could help each other out in this situation. Let me walk you to your room.

Jelly/Dr. Dee exit left.

Finn enters from left. It has been a week since he has journeyed out of his sleeping quarters and his hygiene has been severely neglected. He is deep in thought, thoughts that cause him dismay.

He takes his time getting there but he stops center stage to speak to himself.

FINN

Long have I toiled. Long have I plotted and planned. And now... now I have come to a fateful decision that must be made. On one hand I know that which needs be done; I know that which must be done to accomplish my great work. But on the other hand I weigh the ramifications of accomplishing that great work; the dire means to an extraordinary end. My brain shouts 'YES! COMPLETE YOUR TASK! SERVE YOUR HIGHER PURPOSE OF EXISTENCE!'. But my heart, something I thought cold, dead and silenced long ago, murmurs in a nigh unintelligible whisper promises of guilt and depths of despair should I continue my work. What am I to do? What ever am I to do?

Marcus enters from right.

MARCUS

How hangs the meat missile there Finn?

FINN

Racked with fear and doubt.

MARCUS

Stings when you pee huh? Its the clap. Trust me.

FINN

I've come to a point in my work that to stop now would violate what I believe to be my contribution to humanity. But to continue on it would mean...

MARCUS

It would mean what?

FINN

People could... get hurt.

Marcus perks up at the word 'hurt'.

MARCUS

Hurt you say? But... injuring these people, would it really be such a bad thing? Dr. Dee's always looking for people to fix up.

FINN

Perhaps...

MARCUS

And why let them stand in the way of your greatness. Who are they to keep you from achieving what you know to be RIGHT and JUST. These people are peasants.

FINN

Ants even.

MARCUS

Ants even. And to be perfectly honest those pissers could use a little excitement. A broken arm here, a blood-gushing wound there; what's the harm in that?

Finn has perked up and come round to the idea, he is excited at the decision he has finally been able to make. He then looks to the person who has inspired him and realizes it is Marcus.

FINN

Marcus you're... you're... oddly coherent.

MARCUS

And you my friend Finn, have a destiny to fulfill. There's work to be done and you're just the man for it.

Marcus slaps Finn gruffly on the shoulder then turns to exit right.

MARCUS

Happy I could set you straight Finn.

Marcus exits left.

FINN

Oh you have Marcus, you certainly have. For now I know that there was no decision to be weighed. It was only my {with disgust} humanity that kept me from doing what I know must be done. I will collect the remaining pieces required to finish my perfect being, EVEN AT THE COST OF EVERY LIFE ON THIS BASE.

Fade out.

SCENE FOUR

The Console Room is barren, devoid of any life. Random lights cast their luminescence from the consoles painting the low-lit room with slowly pulsating reds, flickering greens and long intervaled yellows; a Christmas time tableau.

Eventually Finn enters from left. He has not slept for days and wears grease smears across his body/face as though he has been sitting under the hood of a classic car whose repair is an exhausting labor of love.

Finn meanders for a moment in the dimly lit room before Jones enters from right startling him.

JONES

Hey Finn.

FINN

AHHHHH!

Lights come up.

Finn cannot remember Jones' name, if he ever took the time to learn it in the first place.

FINN

Hey... ... you.

JONES

Vanessa.

FINN

Of course. Vanessa Jones.

JONES

Finn?

FINN

What?

JONES

Can you keep a secret?

FINN

No.

JONES

I've been taking birth control.

Jones pauses for a reaction from Finn (assuming it will be drastic) but Finn really doesn't care.

Jones cannot spit the words out fast enough.

JONES

I just like having sex with Dr. Dee and Richards so much and I know that once I'm pregnant they'll stop and I don't want them to stop because I really really like it. I've spent my whole life looking for love and never finding it. But I was certain that one day I finally would find it and I knew that it was only a matter of time before I met my perfect prince and that would be my reward for all the loneliness I'd endured for so long. Now the Earth is gone but at least this makes me feel good if even for a little while. I'm so carefree now and all the things that used to matter soooo much just melt away. And I'm sure I'd still feel this way for at least a week after we stopped having sex but after that I know the old feelings of loneliness would return and they'd probably be even worse because my hope for finding love has been stripped away from me. Its just us now, the people on this base are all that's left. Eventually I'll stop taking the birth control, I really really will. But I'm not ready to just yet. If this is all I have and if this is the best I can get then I want to keep doing it at least a little while longer. Does that... does that make me a bad person?

Finn starts to say something profound and stops himself.

FINN

Yes... yes it does.

Dr. Dee enters from right followed a few paces behind by Richards who is furious and accusatory toward Dr. Dee. Dr. Dee is strangely jovial about Richards' anger as though he has a wonderful surprise for him and laughs at how worked up Richards is becoming over something he'll be overjoyed about once he learns what it is.

DR. DEE

I told you its not like that at all.

RICHARDS

I can't believe you would do this to me. I can't believe-

Richards notices Jones standing in the room.

RICHARDS

There she is.

JONES

Huh?

RICHARDS

You two have been having sex together behind my back. I know it. I heard moaning coming from his room. Hump moaning.

DR. DEE

Seriously Bobby, you have this all wrong. It isn't anything like you think it is.

RICHARDS

And her of all people. How could you cheat on me with Jones?! Look at her. Just... look at her!

JONES

I don't know what you guys are-

RICHARDS

Don't play coy with me you infertile cow! Ply your trade on that insecure little Jelly who worships the very ground your hooves tread upon.

Dr. Dee speaks in soothing tones to Richards.

DR. DEE

Bobby, please just let me explain. I've done something, something for both of us. It's not quite finished yet and I was trying to wait until I was done to show you but if you're dead set on ruining the surprise then-

Dr. Lilith storms in from left pulling Jelly behind her who wears only a closed lab coat. Dr. Lilith is furious and Jelly is in wide-eyed shock; he looks sickly and on the verge of a detached-from-reality breakdown.

DR. LILITH (TO DR. DEE)

What have you done to Jelly?!

DR. DEE

Speak of the devil.

DR. LILITH

What have you done to him?! I caught him wandering the halls in some shock-induced haze murmuring to himself about petticoats and fortitude.

Dr. Dee approaches Jelly who winces as the doctor nears him.

DR. DEE (TO RICHARDS)

This is what I was telling you about. This is something I did for us.

Dr. Dee turns Jelly's back to audience and opens Jelly's lab coat for all on stage to see. All are animatedly reactionary. Dr. Lilith averts her gaze in disgust, Finn barely restrains himself from laughing, Jones gasps deeply, Richards cannot look away from the train wreck that is now Jelly's genitalia.

DR. DEE

See?! I've given Jelly a vagina!

RICHARDS

Good. God.

DR. DEE

And it works! The moans you were hearing from my room was me, giving him a test drive.

RICHARDS

This is... so wrong.

DR. DEE

Don't you see? Now we can have sex with a man, together, and we can impregnate him. Isn't it wonderful?! I have Jelly on a slew of hormone treatments and as soon as I develop a way to form a functional uterus-

FINN

NO LONGER HAVE WE A NEED TO POPULATE THE MOON WITH THE WEAKNESSES OF MAN FOR I, TERRANCE T. FINN, HAS COMPLETED MY GRAND DESIGN! BEHOLD...

Finn turns to stage left entrance. A generic, humanoid robot with breasts, Su, lumbers in from left.

FINN

SU! She will be the mother to an entire race of self-replicating automatons and soon this desolate rock that orbits what once was will teem with life considered artificial only from the perspective of a long-deceased species of evolved monkeys.

Marcus enters unsuspectingly from right. He takes a look at Jelly (whose lab coat is still open to all on stage) and turns to vomit mid-sentence.

MARCUS

Hey everybody. What's all the commHHRRRAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Marcus pauses for a moment as if recovered. He then violently throws up again. After a moment to catch his breath and wipe his mouth he addresses the group.

MARCUS

What the hell's going on here?!

Finn puts his arm around Su's waist.

FINN

I'M IN LOVE HER!

Dr. Dee puts his arm around Jelly who quickly hides his shame.

DR. DEE

I'VE HAD A BREAKTHROUGH!

Richards accuses Dr. Dee.

RICHARDS

HE'S CHEATING ON ME!

JONES

I LOVE HAVING SEX WITH TWO GAY MEN!

Dr. Lilith refers to Jelly.

DR. LILITH

THIS MAN HAS BEEN THE VICTIM OF CRUDE MEDICAL EXPERIMENTATION!

Jelly speaks in a loud, weak whisper.

JELLY

Kill. Me.

Stanton bursts in from left.

STANTON

SOMETHING'S HAPPENED TO THE FOOD GENERATING MACHINE!

DR. LILITH

What?!

STANTON

The food generating machine... its been torn to pieces. It looks like someone cracked it open with an axe so they could steal parts from it.

Finn whistles innocently.

Richards bolts off exiting left to investigate.

DR. LILITH

How much food do we have?

STANTON

... ... None.

MARCUS

What?!

STANTON

That paste crap goes bad within hours so I only make it when we need it.

JONES

So we're completely out of food?

Richards re-enters from left, he is woeful.

RICHARDS

I can't do anything for it. That thing is busted beyond all repair. And the pieces that were taken were essential and its not like we can order up replacements anymore.

MARCUS

So we're going to starve then?

DR. LILITH (TO MARCUS)

You did it, didn't you?!

MARCUS

Me?!

DR. LILITH

I've been watching you mister. Once the drugs were out of your system I expected your true emotions to find their way to the surface. But they never did. You're a sociopath hellbent on destroying what little remains of the human race. That's your plan, isn't it? To be remembered as the one who killed off the last remnants our species!

MARCUS

Who would be around to remember it? If I killed everyone off there'd be no one to gloat to about it now would there? {attention turns to Finn} If you want to accuse someone-

Finn panics as he is about to be found out. He turns his own accusatory finger to Jones.

FINN

She's on birth control!

All turn menacingly to Jones except for Jelly (who is still in his shock haze) and Su (who is a robot).

DR. DEE

You're. What?

Jones slowly shrinks away from group.

JONES

I'm. What?

RICHARDS

You're on birth control?

JONES

Well... ... maybe. {becomes excitedly animated} But only because I loved being with you guys so much I didn't want it to end.

DR. DEE

Do you mean to tell me that you've been prolonging the insemination process?

JONES

Um, yeah. But I did it for all of us.

RICHARDS

Is that so?

MARCUS

Isn't there a better use for Jones, now that we can't make food for ourselves.

All but Jelly and Su look from one to the other. Wheels begin turning.

JONES

Are you talking about... BUT YOU NEED ME! I'm the communications officer!

DR. DEE

Who will you be facilitating our communications to? Hm? Your job no longer exists and your womb is not to be trusted.

Finn continues deflecting blame from himself.

FINN

It'd be two birds with one stone; food to eat while thinning the herd so the food lasts longer.

DR. DEE

I could certainly make use of that uterus.

Richards approaches Jones and looks her up and down.

RICHARDS

I could live without her fat ass.

DR. LILITH

I think it would be a good bonding experience for the crew.

STANTON

Oh my god! I'd finally have real meat to cook with!

JELLY

I have a vagina now. And it hurts.

All but Jelly and Su begin creeping in on Jones who drops to her knees pleading for forgiveness.

JONES

Please! I didn't mean to upset you all. I just wanted to feel loved. I just wanted someone to hold me when I felt vulnerable and someone to abuse me when I wanted to feel dirty. Please don't eat me! PLLLLEEEEAAAASSSSEEEEE!

Just before crew lay hands on her the lights drop.

JONES

PPPPPPLLLLLLLEEEEEEEAAAAAASSSSSSSSEEEEEE!!!!

SCENE FIVE

Console Room. Chaos. Chairs are overturned, dirty plates litter every surface and are scattered helter skelter about the room. Dirty undershirts hang from high corners, dirty boxers adorn consoles. Random light bulbs have burned out. The Console Room is in utter disarray.

All but Stanton (and of course the recently deceased Jones) are littered about the stage just as the trash/filth is. They are gluttoned and lethargic on Jones meat.

Finn and Su sit against the back wall together next to his robotics console, Su sits stoically upright and ready for commands while Finn is drunk on meat with his arm around the robot leaning heavily into its shoulder. Richards and Dr. Dee sit on the other side of the robotics console with several feet of space between them. Marcus is splayed out leaning against the communications console. Dr. Lilith is flat-backed across the middle of the floor. Jelly lies atop the table, spread eagle and weeping; his weeping can be heard even before the lights come up and is continual throughout opening of scene creating a sickened atmosphere.

FINN

Who'd have thought Jones would taste soooooo good?

Marcus leans around the side of the console to call out to Dr. Dee.

MARCUS

How long is he going to be weeping like that?

DR. DEE

Its the hormones, he's just not use to them yet.

DR. LILITH

My stomach's... about to burst... but I still want more.

Finn curls up with the stiff Su that does not move to compensate him.

FINN

We've been eating so well this past week, haven't we my darling?

Su's voice is very digitized and robotic.

SU

Kill. Me.

Jelly's weeping grows louder.

MARCUS

If I wasn't too full to stand... I'd kill that son of a bitch right now.

RICHARDS

Dr. Dee doesn't seem to mind the noises that Jelly makes.

Stanton power walks in from left with a mixing bowl beneath her arm stirring its contents with her other hand. She is so happy she reminds us of Marcus upon his cocaine-riddled introduction. She power walks across the stage and exits right speaking ceaselessly all the while.

STANTON

... and meatloaf and moussaka and meat pizza and stroganoff and bounty pie and roulade and steak tartare and mirliton el casserole and albondigas soup and barbacoa de cabeza and...

All watch as Stanton exits right.

RICHARDS

Dr. Dee doesn't seem to mind the noises that Jelly makes.

DR. DEE

Would you come off it already.

RICHARDS

Admit it, you like him more than me. You want to be with him more than me.

DR. DEE

Why don't you just join us?

RICHARDS

I refuse to have sex with your abomination.

DR. DEE

C'mon, its not so bad.

Stanton re-enters from right and trails back across the stage exiting left in the same manner she previously appeared.

STANTON

... and spicy Italian roast and three-pepper kabobs and flank steak and kidney pie and shepards pie and ton-yuk-kui and chili and ribs and Moroccan brisket and boiled pizzaiola and...

All watch as Stanton exits left.

MARCUS

Does she have the stuff to make all that?

DR. LILITH

Not a single ingredient for a single dish. Except the meat of course.

Finn affectionately rubs the unmoving robot's face and talks in a cutesy voice.

FINN

We don't care how she cooks it as long as she keeps cooking it. Isn't that wight my wittle metal wady?

MARCUS

At least Stanton was able to salvage enough parts off my ship to make her kitchen equipment. It can't fly anymore but where the hell would we go anyway?

A loud crash of pots and pans is heard from offstage left silencing all.

Stanton bolts into the console room from left.

STANTON

We're. Out. Of. Jones.

DR. DEE

How could that be? We've only been eating her for a week.

RICHARDS

Maybe you should take it up with Jelly. I'm sure he's been eating extra helpings of meat lately.

STANTON

What are we going to do? We'll starve unless we...

DR. LILITH

We need more meat.

RICHARDS

Carve up Jelly.

DR. DEE (TO RICHARDS)

Carve you up! I'm sick of your incessant-

MARCUS

Hold on now, there's a peaceful way of figuring out which one of us we'll be killing and eating next.

STANTON

He's right. We need to figure out who's the most expendable.

DR. LILITH

All signs point to Marcus.

MARCUS

Why me?!

DR. LILITH

You just said so yourself. No ship, nowhere to fly if we had one; no need for a pilot.

Stanton produces a butcher's knife.

STANTON

Good idea Marcus. A peaceful solution.

Marcus leaps to his feet with newfound energy standing in a bent-kneed, ready-for-action pose.

MARCUS

I'VE GONE NATIVE! AAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

Marcus bolts off stage right screaming all the way. All present calmly watch him go.

DR. DEE

Can you go native on the moon?

Suddenly a loud beeping can be heard from the communications console.

STANTON

What the hell is that?

Dr. Lilith rises and sloppily makes her way to the console. She leans in and glares at the monitor.

DR. LILITH

Its a ship.

DR. DEE

But Marcus' ship isn't functional.

DR. LILITH

No, its landing. We have visitors.

All are silent.

FINN (LOVINGLY TO SU)

Have you already been making wittle wobot babies?

DR. LILITH

It looks like one of ours.

RICHARDS

That's impossible. Maybe its aliens.

STANTON

Aliens?

RICHARDS

Maybe they found a human space shuttle and they're pretending to be some kind of rescue team so they can gain access to our base and kill us all!

DR. DEE

Why do they have to be evil aliens? Maybe they're good aliens and they've come to take us to their homeworld.

RICHARDS

And if you're lucky they'll want you to breed with them so then its even more inhuman monsters you can cheat on me with.

DR. DEE

Its not cheating if I invite you to do it with us and you say no!

Stanton looks at monitor over Dr. Lilith's shoulder.

STANTON

Looks like we're about to find out.

Dr. Lilith turns to address the group sobered from her Jones meat gorging.

DR. LILITH

Finn, can that robot fight.

FINN

Of course not! Its programmed for looovve.

DR. LILITH (TO STANTON)

Amy?

Stanton readies her butcher's knife.

DR. LILITH

I'm ready.

Dr. Dee and Richards rise, grab chairs from table, and then back step to left side of stage joining Dr. Lilith/Stanton. All stand ready for combat.

DR. DEE

I just hope they understand this isn't a threat, but us protecting ourselves.

RICHARDS

I hope they zap your balls off with their ray guns.

DR. DEE

Love you too Bobby.

A NARSA PILOT calmly enters from right.

PILOT

Hey guys.

All look at Pilot with confusion.

Pilot scans the console room with growing disgust.

PILOT

Wow. You guys have really-

DR. DEE

Who are you?!

PILOT

Oh, sorry. I'm here to bring you guys back to Earth.

STANTON

The Earth was blown up.

RICHARDS (TO PILOT)

Your face is telling lies!

PILOT

Yeeeeaaaahhhh, about that whole 'Earth blowing up' thing. Didn't really happen.

Dr. Lilith slowly drops her guard for a moment to turn and look at the communications console monitor.

DR. LILITH

He's... the Earth. Its there again.

DR. DEE (TO PILOT)

What the hell's going on?!

PILOT

Well you see... hehe, funny story. NARSA was testing an experimental cloaking device for the entire planet. The idea is should alien life ever be discovered and plan intergalactic warfare against us we could hide before they had a chance to attack, or even fool them into thinking we'd accidentally destroyed ourselves while arming weapons in preparation for the alien onslaught.

STANTON

Why didn't anybody tell us?

PILOT

They sent the message but your comms were down while you were replacing the communications dish Marcus and Jelly brought up to you. When they didn't hear back from you they figured that you might flip out a little bit but when the Earth reappeared and your communications were back up they could explain what happened. And maybe send a muffin basket for the trouble of making you worry like mad.

DR. DEE

But why did they need to keep the planet cloaked for a whole month?

PILOT

They didn't, the experiment was only supposed to last two days. But while we were cloaked the animal rights activists stepped in.

RICHARDS

Animal. Rights. Activists?

PILOT

They caught wind of the whole cloaking thing and how you didn't know about it. A PR move was made and they appealed to the high courts stating that since you were the only beings living on the moon you should be considered an endangered species. The courts were forced to order a temporary blackout of all communications while they sorted the whole mess out. Since you were temporarily considered an endangered species NARSA was prohibited from having any contact with you whatsoever. And they certainly weren't allowed to disturb you in your natural habitat.

STANTON

So how can you be here now?

PILOT

During an activist meeting the figureheads of the organization were caught in a burning building. They died a fiery, fiery death of agonizing pain. No one else wanted to pursue such lunacy so you weren't an endangered species any longer.

DR. DEE

Let me get this straight. NARSA tested a cloaking device on the planet while our communications were down so they couldn't reach us to tell us it was going on. During the two-day experiment activists declared us an endangered species to draw attention to their organization and therefore you couldn't let us know that the Earth was still intact. And when said activists died a tortured death you were allowed to talk to us again.

PILOT

That's pretty much it.

DR. DEE

THAT'S IDIOTIC! YOU AND ALL OF NARSA'S CREATINS ARE IMBECILES!

Marcus leaps out from left attempting to frighten all in the Console Room. He is in his underwear and has crudely painted himself in warpaint.

MARCUS

AAAAAARRRRRRRRHHHHHHHGGGGGGGGAAAAALULULULULULULU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

PILOT

Hey Marcus.

Marcus snaps out of his 'native' mentality.

MARCUS

Hey guy.

PILOT

Got some booger sugar on board waitin' for ya buddy.

Marcus looks around at everyone in the room. He then bolts off stage right.

PILOT

So yeah, it all sucks but I'm here to bring you back. Its all over now and you can come home.

The beeping that indicated Pilot's ship landing has begun beeping once more. All search the air around them with confusion.

Finally Dr. Dee turns to look at the monitor of the communications console.

DR. DEE

Marcus is flying away in your ship.

PILOT

Oh that guy. What a nut. We all love 'em back on Earth.

DR. LILITH

So we're stranded again?

PILOT

Just until NARSA sends another ship up here.

STANTON

You know, we do still need that meat.

PILOT

What meat are you-

DR. LILITH

And there's nothing more useless than a pilot without a plane.

PILOT

Where is Vanessa Jones?

Dr. Dee, Dr. Lilith, Richards and Stanton begin creeping toward Pilot just as they did Jones before they killed her.

PILOT

What are you guys doing?

They creep closer.

PILOT

Guys?

All creepers lunge toward a panic-stricken Pilot as the lights drop.

The end.
The Three Demons of Magus Demetrius Ellingsworth IV
Beneath Stoney Marsh Estate there lies a series of well-worn staircases, labyrinthine passageways, corridors of whispered secrets and shrilled anguishes. Propped against these stones walls are remnants of medieval torture devices; wooden beams and spindled wheels, leather straps and blood-crusted buckles, all adjoined to the corners and the stonework by centuries of moss and dank disregard.

But wander through these halls and navigate the mazes and perhaps you will come to the summoning room of Magus Demetrius Ellingsworth IV. It is a vast dungeon of long forgotten torments and aspirations toward arcane accomplishment. Where distant droplets fill unseen pools, where the very air is thick with evil intent, where forgone sanity is palpable.

Demetrius enters from right cloaked for his dark task. He walks solemnly and with reverence.

He stops stage right and takes a moment to deepen himself into the mind set that will allow him his ritual. Demetrius faces left.

DEMETRIUS

Oh! shadow beings from the depths of despair.

Woe!

to those who walk amongst the damned and rule the creatures of carrion.

Woe!

to those who torment the just and the wicked alike as you lie beyond the pale of earthly discernment.

Rise up!

Rise up and come forth that I may bind you with my words and chain you to my whims. Join me in your new purgation so that I may instruct you to my bidding and learn of your wanton wisdoms.

Come forth!

from the abyss of the pit and sing with me the hymns of empowerment and the dirges of mine enemies. Come forth!

bring to me your esteemed knowledge of wickedness and depravity so I may cast out my villains and sate my thirst on their dismay.

Arise! Arise! Arise!

oh Hethturgeon of the Black Brigade!

From left corner, hidden in the darkness and beneath a black sheet, rises HETHTURGEON; that who walks with hunched back having busy fingers on idle hands, that who speaks in a decrepit voice and that whose knees are perpetually at a crook lending him a sad and rickety gait.

Hethturgeon scurries to center stage to stand before Demetrius.

HETHTURGEON

Are you he who would dare summoned Hethturgeon from the abyss? Have you no shame for your people mortal, to unleash a fowl entity such as I upon the land of the living?

DEMETRIUS

You may speak only when I deem it permissible Hethturgeon for I am he who has summoned you and I am he who is now your master upon this earthly plane. You may only return to the darkness of your abode when I feel it fit to allow you leave.

Now. What is your duty in the outer planes? What vile charge has been bestowed upon you so that I may know where your talents lie?

Hethturgeon shuffles anxiously from foot to foot saying nothing.

DEMETRIUS (CONT'D)

Have you no words for your new master? Is my very presence enough to silence your wicked tongue?

HETHTURGEON

You told me not to talk.

DEMETRIUS

Pardon?

HETHTURGEON

You told me not to talk so even now I'm disobeying your command by talking to you.

DEMETRIUS

Then why did you speak?

HETHTURGEON

Because I didn't want you staring at me like a fool all day.

DEMETRIUS

Hethturgeon... when I ask you a question it is the same as having permitted you to answer it.

HETHTURGEON

No, permitting me to speak is permitting me to speak. What if it is a rhetorical question you ask of me? Am I to incur your wrath from an error in deciphering conversational etiquette? For we demons are poor judges of such things and I would-

DEMETRIUS

Silence! I am permitting you now, that if I ask a question you may answer it.

HETHTURGEON

As you will me lord.

DEMETRIUS

Where do your talents lie? What is your role in the world of the mist's influence on the world of the flesh?

Hethturgeon says nothing. A long pause ensues.

DEMETRIUS (CONT'D)

*sigh* You may speak.

HETHTURGEON

Worms me lord.

DEMETRIUS

Worms.

Another long pause.

DEMETRIUS (CONT'D)

Speak!

HETHTURGEON

Apologies me lord. You hadn't asked a question.

DEMETRIUS

It was a question! You merely misinterpreted it as a statement.

HETHTURGEON

As I said me lord, we demons are terrible at judging such things as tone and emphasis. Humans all sound the same to us. Look the same as well but the last human I told that to-

DEMETRIUS

Stop! Just stop talking.

HETHTURGEON

Yes me lord.

Demetrius slaps his forehead in frustration.

HETHTURGEON (CONT'D)

Sorry me lord.

Demetrius grunts at Hethturgeon to silence him. Pacing to and fro Demetrius is in deep thought.

DEMETRIUS

So you are lord over worms?

HETHTURGEON

Yes me lord.

DEMETRIUS

All worms?

HETHTURGEON

Some me lord.

DEMETRIUS

Carnivorous worms that devour living flesh and can take a life as a thief in the night?

HETHTURGEON

No me lord. That's Echurren the Defiler's lot.

DEMETRIUS

What about worms that haunt men's dreams and gnaw away at their souls as if they were ripe with putridity even when they are virtuous with piety?

HETHTURGEON

Those are spirit worms me lord. They went vegan some three thousand years ago. Now they devour only the souls of plants me lord. And there's not much profit in that I'll tell you.

DEMETRIUS

So what worms do you command?

HETHTURGEON

Well... the regular kind I guess.

DEMETRIUS

Earthworms?

HETHTURGEON

Oh yes me lord. {eerily} EeeeeaaaaaRRRRRRRttttttttHHHHHHH worms. WoooooOOOOOOOOooooooOOOOOOOooo!!!!

DEMETRIUS

Earthworms aren't frightening Hethturgeon.

HETHTURGEON

{sorrowful} I know me lord.

DEMETRIUS

Not even a little bit.

HETHTURGEON

Yes me lord. Just trying to make you feel better.

DEMETRIUS

What good are earthworms to me Hethturgeon?

HETHTURGEON

{childishly optimistic} They can reek havoc in the gardens of your enemies me lord.

DEMETRIUS

*sigh* I see I have summoned you in error. But no matter, you will remain here in my dungeon until I have some use for you. I imprison you, Hethturgeon ruler of... {with disdain} earthworms... to remain within the circle of confinement I have sanctified between these very walls so that you will be at my service when I see fit.

Hethturgeon does not move.

DEMETRIUS (CONT'D)

{pointing stage left} Over there!

Hethturgeon turns and scurries to stage left.

HETHTURGEON

Oh there it is! Apologies me lord but mine eyes aren't what they once were and I can't see further than a cubit without me specs.

Demetrius can only shake his head at the stupidity of Hethturgeon.

Demetrius reverences himself once more and prepares his spell of evocation anew.

DEMETRIUS

Oh! shadow beings from the depths of despair.

Woe!

to those who walk amongst the damned and rule the creatures of carrion.

Woe!

to those who torment the just and the wicked alike as you lie beyond the pale of earthly discernment.

Rise up!

Rise up and come forth that I may bind you with my words and chain you to my whims. Join me in your new purgation so that I may instruct you to my bidding and learn of your wanton wisdoms.

Come forth!

from the abyss of the pit and sing with me the hymns of empowerment and the dirges of mine enemies.

Come forth!

bring to me your esteemed knowledge of wickedness and depravity so I may cast out my villains and sate my thirst on their dismay.

Arise! Arise! Arise!

oh Lord Cornelius Sturgess XI!

From left corner, hidden in the darkness and beneath a black sheet, rises LORD CORNELIUS STURGESS XI; a tall and lanky aristocrat whose own dabbling in the black arts led to his damnation to the inferno, but his entrepreneurship led to employment there.

Cornelius struts proudly to center stage to stand before Demetrius.

CORNELIUS

Pray tell, good sir, why have you called me from my duties in the fiery realm?

DEMETRIUS

Speak only when I have need of your words!

CORNELIUS

{offended} I will do no such thing. You have called me away from-

DEMETRIUS

Silence!

CORNELIUS

Why the nerve of you.

DEMETRIUS

Tell me Cornelius Sturgess XI, what dominion do you hold sway of in the depths of damnation?

HETHTURGEON

{calling from stage left} He wants you to answer now even though it doesn't sound that way.

CORNELIUS

Mine is a duty so vile, so detestable that even I can barely stomach the anguish I inflict on my victims. My actions are abhorred by the foulest of vagabonds and the saintliest matron alike. Kings kneel before my power, thieves cower at the might of my hand.

DEMETRIUS

{excited} Oh yes! What is your villainous vocation? What is that evil you wrought upon men that they shiver in the night and pray to their petty gods that they be not forsaken to you? What is your skill in decrepit discontent?!

CORNELIUS

Chipped teeth.

DEMETRIUS

{deflated} Chipped. Teeth.

CORNELIUS

Rather annoying aren't they? You bite down on something hard and BAM! Chipped tooth.

DEMETRIUS

That's not very... how should I put this? Fear inducing.

CORNELIUS

Have you ever chipped a tooth?! They might rot you know, if not cared for. It takes a few years but it may just happen. And imagine if its a front tooth! A social outcast you'll be then.

DEMETRIUS

No. No I've never had a chipped tooth. And I'll tell you with genuine earnestness that I have never in one moment during the whole of my life EVER been in fear of it.

CORNELIUS

Well you just wait til I return to the underworld. There's a chipped tooth in your future I'll guarantee you that!

DEMETRIUS

You know what? {dismissively} Why don't you just go back to the underworld. I have no use of you here. Just... ... shoo.

CORNELIUS

No I don't believe that I will. I rather like it here where I'm unwanted, truth be told. You'll find it not so easy to dismiss Lord Cornelius Sturgess XI. I know where you live after all.

DEMETRIUS

But I've bound you to do my bidding by conjuring up your physical manifestation. You are mine to control.

CORNELIUS

Yes you did conger me up and yes I am to do your bidding, but what you need is a banishment ritual. Haven't really looked into all this evocation business have you?

DEMETRIUS

Haven't...! Looked into...! ERRRRRRRRR! {steadies himself} Fine! Oh one of the inferno, oh one of the... chipped teeth, you will remain here where eventually I will find use of you. Or not! Perhaps I will see it fit to leave you to wither within these winding catacombs and pass you down through my lineage so that you never see your seat of power again.

CORNELIUS

To have a lineage you must breed first, and breeding begs procreation. How long's it been since you've had a woman, might I ask good sir.

DEMETRIUS

{furious} I had a wench just the night before the last!

CORNELIUS

{laughing} Ho ho. Paying for its not the same as earning it Magus... what did you say your name-

DEMETRIUS

{pointing toward Hethturgeon} OFF TO YOUR IMPRISONMENT!!!

Cornelius turns to see Hethturgeon who waves as though he were the last pick on a child's baseball team.

CORNELIUS

With him?! Are you-

DEMETRIUS

Off with you!

Cornelius huffs, turns, and chin held high with chest puffed out struts to join Hethturgeon.

Demetrius takes a moment to collect himself. There is a long pause in which he prepares to evoke once again. He raises hands far into the air and brings them down slowly, palm against palm before his chest just as a monk would. Again he raises his hands into the air and let's out a deep exhale as he brings the back down, palm against palm before his chest meditatively. Just as he is about to begin is incantation-

CORNELIUS

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Demetrius grumbles to himself.

DEMETRIUS

{rushes through incantation merely to finish, reciting with toneless lack of caring}

Oh shadow beings from the depths of despair.

Oh to those who walk amongst the damned and rule the creatures of carrion.

Rise up. Rise up.

Arise. Arise. Arise.   
oh Glutton of the Grave.

From left corner, hidden in the darkness and beneath a black sheet, rises GLUTTON OF THE GRAVE. As his name indicates he is an obese man; jovial as Santa Claus, mad as a mercury poisoned hatter.

Glutton of the Grave wobbles to center stage to stand before Demetrius, he wobbles for his glut discourages his legs from bearing his frame. He pronounces all that he says, his voice booming as though he were addressing the multitudes.

GLUTTON OF THE GRAVE

Oy! Well met caller of the craven, seeker of the sinister! To what and whom do I owe this pleasure?

Demetrius is ecstatic. He is beginning to believe he has finally evoked a demon worth his time.

DEMETRIUS

It is I! Demetrius Ellingsworth IV, ruler of this estate, controller of shadow beings, deemed Magus by many, coward by few.

GLUTTON OF THE GRAVE

A Magus are we?! And who has bestowed such entitlement upon thou, Magus Demetrius Ellingsworth IV?

DEMETRIUS

Well... {he lies with grandeur} MANY!

GLUTTON OF THE GRAVE

Oh aye?! I had always believed 'Magus' to be a much sought after stage in a mage's pursuit of wisdom and practice of the magic arts. 'Magus' being an honorific given by a small counsel of peers rather than a collective of peoples.

DEMETRIUS

... ... Not important.

GLUTTON OF THE GRAVE

As you say!

DEMETRIUS

What is important is that I have called you here to obey my bidding. You are now captive here Glutton of the Grave, and I your new master!

GLUTTON OF THE GRAVE

But of course my lord, master and esteemed liege. Tell me, what shall I do for you this day.

Demetrius is astounded by Glutton's compliance after his experiences with his previous evocations.

DEMETRIUS

Ah. I would have you... it is my... ...

GLUTTON OF THE GRAVE

What seems troubling you Master Magus Demetrius Ellingsworth IV? If I might be so bold as to inquire?

DEMETRIUS

I just... can't believe you're so quick to acquiescence. Your brethren seemed so... difficult in... well just difficult.

GLUTTON OF THE GRAVE

My dear Master Magus, I am not as those lonely persons of the pit you have called preceding my arrival. I am here to do your bidding, as you so prodigiously have stated.

DEMETRIUS

Brilliant Glutton of the Grave! I would have you... ... what is it you command rule over?

GLUTTON OF THE GRAVE

You do not know master?

DEMETRIUS

Of course I know! But it is... it is my prerogative to hear it stated and not yours to question said prerogative.

GLUTTON OF THE GRAVE

Oh of course not! {bowing} Forgive me sire for I have transgressed my place, a place you saw fit to grant me out of your good grace and many wisdoms.

DEMETRIUS

{becoming full of himself} Forgiven Glutton of the Grave. Now answer me that which I have asked of you.

GLUTTON OF THE GRAVE

I am Glutton of the Grave Master Magus. Therefore I rule over the bloat of death.

DEMETRIUS

{deflated} The bloat of death?

GLUTTON OF THE GRAVE

Indeed!

DEMETRIUS

{crest fallen} So you rule over the swelling of corpses?

GLUTTON OF THE GRAVE

{painting a picture} Have you ever seen a drowned body when pulled from the water after many days afloat? Better yet, have you ever seen the look on a drowning victim's loved ones when first they see their patriarch, matriarch, or beloved child's body just as it is pulled from the waters ripe with putrefaction?

DEMETRIUS

So you...

GLUTTON OF THE GRAVE

And the greed! The greed that accompanies one's passing. Greed that swells and consumes those of same blood as the recently deceased. A greed that makes bitter enemies of siblings, a greed that causes those unaffected to cast downward glances upon those who are afflicted. Greed for worldly possessions that trickle down the generations as each new owner meets their own demise.

DEMETRIUS

{saddened} And what am I to do with glut of the grave.

GLUTTON OF THE GRAVE

Many things master! Off to your library and read on the ways in which I can aid you in this world! We demons will remain in this dungeon eagerly awaiting all that you command!

DEMETRIUS

{excited once more} You're right! I will return with the knowledge of tasks I require of you. {proclaiming} Off to my study!

Glutton of the Grave watches as Demetrius eagerly exits right. All wait a moment to ensure Demetrius is truly gone.

Hethturgeon and Cornelius join Glutton center stage.

CORNELIUS

Didn't think you'd be captured so easily Glutton?

GLUTTON OF THE GRAVE

HAHAHAHAHA! Do you really think I'd let a novice mortal ensnare one such as Glutton of the Grave?! Bwahahahahaha!

HETHTURGEON

{cackling} Heh heh heh heh heh!

CORNELIUS

{to Hethturgeon.} What are you cackling at?!

HETHTURGEON

Oh. Couldn't tell you me lord.

CORNELIUS

I'm not your lord that bumbling idiot upstairs is your lord because you were fool enough to let him entrance you.

GLUTTON OF THE GRAVE

Ho! And you are no better off Cornelius, scourge of the bicuspid!

HETHTURGEON

I'm glad to see you Glutton of the Grave. Such a funny fat man you are!

GLUTTON OF THE GRAVE

You as well Hethturgeon. Such a funny... deformed man you are?

CORNELIUS

As sweet as this long awaited reunion may be for me to witness what exactly is your business here Glutton?

GLUTTON OF THE GRAVE

I heard this 'Magus' fellow was collecting half-witted demons and I wanted to see his collection!

CORNELIUS

Must you mock me Glutton?

HETHTURGEON

Oh mock me Glutton! Mock me as well!

GLUTTON OF THE GRAVE

The truth of it Cornelius is I come here for sport! One day is much like another in the depths below and I have come here out of boredom.

HETHTURGEON

You weren't captured as we were captured Glutton?

GLUTTON OF THE GRAVE

Of course not!

CORNELIUS

A likely story.

GLUTTON OF THE GRAVE

And you great Lord Cornelius Sturgess XI, how did you manage to get caught by a mortal who doesn't know his witch's brew from his britches blue?

CORNELIUS

I... ... it was sport! For me as well as for you.

GLUTTON OF THE GRAVE

You're a piss poor liar you are!

HETHTURGEON

{sing song} Piss lord, piss lord, pissy whore, pissy whore.

GLUTTON OF THE GRAVE

You lot should be thankful I'm here as I will be freeing you soon.

CORNELIUS

And how do you intend to do that? He doesn't even know what a banishment ritual is let alone how to perform one.

HETHTURGEON

We keeeeeeellll him.

GLUTTON OF THE GRAVE

Ha! Hethturgeon's bested you again Cornelius! You should be well acquainted with defeat at games of wit when competing against true genius such as Hethturgeon!

HETHTURGEON

{being anything but a genius} Huuuugggghhhhhh yeeeesssssss.

CORNELIUS

You have a plan of rescue I take it?

GLUTTON OF THE GRAVE

Is that you asking my aid? Great and powerful-

CORNELIUS

Yes get me out of here! This grows dull and is going nowhere.

GLUTTON OF THE GRAVE

Then let us show our young captor what the powers of Hell are truly capable of. We'll give him his wish at putting us to his aid. {he pauses for dramatic effect} Aiding him into his GRAVE!

CORNELIUS

{skeptically} Why do you truly wish to help us Glutton of the Grave?

GLUTTON OF THE GRAVE

Because a joyous day in Hell is one in which you do something you have never done before. Now... {listens at footfalls from above} this is what we are to do.

The three demons huddle together and whisper incoherently with small, childish giggles from Hethturgeon and 'shut ups' from Cornelius.

Demetrius enters from right holding an ancient text in his hands.

DEMETRIUS

I must say I have not managed to find much use for you Glutton. I dare say I find no use for any of you thus far.

GLUTTON OF THE GRAVE

But master! We have determined amongst ourselves something we may do for you!

DEMETRIUS

{delighted} Oh! And what pray tell may that be?

HETHTURGEON

I give you an earth worm me lord! Segmented and strong, many-hearted and dirt dwelling!

DEMETRIUS

Ohhhh... kkkkaaay.

CORNELIUS

And I! Lord CorNElius Sturgess XI give you teeth! Chipped and razor sharp! Broken and jagged! Slicer of flesh, cause of dismay!

DEMETRIUS

What are you lot on about?

GLUTTON OF THE GRAVE

And I give you girth! The fattening of ten thousand corpses of a thousand lands, sons of a thousand mothers all buried beneath ten thousand sands!

DEMETRIUS

I really do not see where-

Suddenly from right enters a massive earthworm, larger than a man with a mouthful of jagged teeth jutting from its large, gaping gob. The more generic the worm suit looks the more funny it will be; it should look exactly like a guy in a worm suit.

DEMETRIUS (CONT'D)

{upon seeing the worm} AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!

Worm bites into Demetrius and they both topple to the floor. Worm continues to devour the young Magus while the three demons watch.

CORNELIUS

{disgusted} How fowl!

HETHTURGEON

{with childlike glee) Hehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehe-

Hethturgeon draws in a large breath.

CORNELIUS

Can we-

HETHTURGEON

HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE!!!!!

CORNELIUS

-take our leave of this place now?

GLUTTON OF THE GRAVE

Afraid not good Cornelius. You will not be done with his trapping until he has wholly been eaten.

Worm groans loudly.

CORNELIUS

Such a wretched thing.

Worm still munches on Demetrius and his legs can be seen squirming slowing beneath its weight.

HETHTURGEON

The wormmmmssssss... they do enjoy savoring their meal.

GLUTTON OF THE GRAVE

Indeed!

CORNELIUS

So we have to-

GLUTTON OF THE GRAVE

Yes you do.

The three demons look on as Worm continues to munch on a sluggishly twitching Demetrius.

The end.
Screenplays
Introduction to Screenplays

I'm not much into writing screenplays. Probably because I like movies too much. I am of the opinion that generally you have two types of screenplays: indie and studio. Indie scripts that your buddy or a small production company wishes to shoot; in which case changes are made for budgetary reasons or dialogue is changed by actors or directors at the time of shooting, which frankly is great (or terrible, it could go either way now that I think about it). Then you have screenplays that people write to sell to studios; god help the writer if they think what they've written will end up on screen (most scripts go through several rewrites by several writers and each one boils away all the things you loved about your screenplay into something that is formulaic, derivative, and generally an exercise in commerciality, a.k.a. 'How soulless can we make this so that it is more palatable to a mass, Midwestern audience?', which is an audience that studios believe exists far more than it actually does).

My screenplays all fall into the first category. If I know someone who wants to try and shoot something then I write something for them to shoot. And my subject matter, interests, etc. tend to fall pretty far from what Hollywood exec. types (who probably exists in much the same capacity as mass, Midwestern audiences) are looking for in a script when they call their script readers for any projects of interest.

That is to say my scripts are written in hopes that the majority of their subject matter remain intact while relying on the veritable bevy of creative hands that will eventually work on an in-production film to add their own creativity to the work. Yes, I want people to change what I have written so long as its for the better. Its called creative collaboration; or in my case, 'Here's what I've written, do what you want with it so long as you don't muck it up. And if you do muck it up, don't point to me unless the mucking was of my making.' Which is basically what I hope for when writing a screenplay. That or just a paycheck (which thus far has never been the case, though I am infinitely proud that the computer on which I type this introduction was received as payment for some rewrites I did for someone else's script).

Pantomime came into existence because a good friend wanted to shoot a film and I told him I would like to write it. So I wrote it. After writing it the screenplay bounced over to my friend for his thoughts, then back to me for a rewrite. And then again. And then again. So on and so on. This bouncing to and fro happened about five times before I chalked it up to a lost cause (though I still hold out hope it will one day be filmed). So I do feel the need to mention/thank Hernan Berangan of Moment Light for his creative input and suggestions. Pantomime is just about the only writing in this book that had any outside input whatsoever (because let's face it, I don't work well with others).

Animal Crackers was also written with hopes of being filmed by Hernan though it came of nothing as well (and at moment I can't even remember if he'd ever even read it, meaning I probably never sent it to him). It was my thought that creating a web series in an anthology format would be a great deal of fun and should viewership elevate enough maybe we could even make a little cash off of advertising along the way. A large part of Animal Crackers, at least a great deal of the research, came from a BBC special titled Animal Passions; an unbiased, journalistic investigation involving normal, everyday people who indulge in carnal relations with animals. One of the more fascinating things you'll ever watch to say the least. Also, part of my research into writing Animal Crackers had me on websites with such nuggets of information as how to properly have sex with a dolphin. Occasionally I had to step back and laugh at my reading habits of that time.

And then there's the porn scripts. As some of you may have realized, porn is starting to get storylines that aren't that bad. Currently the satirical superhero porn movies rival (and often outdo) superhero costuming when compared to their counterparts and though I have yet to see it, I hear The Sex Files has a better storyline than The X Files 2: I Want to Believe.

Given that the upcoming generation of children (already in their early 20's) were raised in an environment where free internet porn made hardcore, penetrative pornography as easily accessible as Facebook, I completely believe that it is only a matter of time before "pornography" becomes as viable a form of storytelling as any (or more appropriately a continually profitable form). Meaning Hollywood movies will start featuring more graphic depictions of sex within my own lifetime, sex in movies will become commonplace (many countries besides the U.S. already feature actual sex acts in their higher budgeted films), and so long as people are willing to pay to see these films production value can increase exponentially. The only thing keeping porn from going full blown 'Hollywood' is the acting talents of the performers and the audience being in place and willing to pay. Video on Demand seems the proper place for this as physical theaters showing pornography turn scuzzy pretty quickly.

Having said that, Hernan and I talked once about shooting porn scenes so I wrote a few: Mistaken Identitties, The Healing Penis, and The Sperminator. 
Pantomime

INT. STUDIO

An interview with a seated Professor is being conducted before a plain backdrop.

PROFESSOR

Not since Marcel Marceau has the world known a mime of such magnitude as Pantomime. He unabashedly took his own name from that art form in which he embodies.

An interview with a seated Teenager is being conducted before a plain backdrop. Teenager has a cold.

TEENAGER

Pantomime is, like... the um... greatest. You know? Like... he is mime. He's like... Godmime... or something.

An interview with a seated, bubbly woman in her early twenties is being conducted before a plain backdrop. She is a Pantomimer.

PANTOMIMER

He is so sexy. The way he moves and the nuance of his performance and the ingenuity and everything he's brought to miming and his confidence in front of a crowd and

The interview with a seated Professor continues.

PROFESSOR

He shows an unequaled dedication to his craft in that he is never out of character. Pantomime lives his life as a mime; he is nothing but a mime and therein lies the unequivocal genius of all that he does.

An interview with a seated Teenager continues.

TEENAGER

I hear that... like, his face paint... isn't paint... but its a tattoo that looks like... paint. So he... he never has to paint his face.

An interview with a seated, costumed/painted Mime is being conducted before a plain backdrop.

MIME

Pantomime is a fucking genius! Pantomime is a fucking inspiration! You know what I am?! I'm a mime! You wanna know why?! Because of fucking Pantomime!

An interview with a seated Pantomimer continues.

PANTOMIMER

The first time I saw him I was out shopping with some girlfriends and there he was... out in the street performing. He didn't care what other people thought or if they gave him money or anything like that because he does it for himself. Pantomime is the sexiest man alive.

An interview with a seated Mime continues.

MIME

You want me to pull on a fucking rope that isn't there?! I'll pull it! You want me to pretend I'm in a box?! I'll fucking pretend I'm in a box!

An interview with a seated Professor continues.

PROFESSOR

For generations to come people will look back on Pantomime as a model of creative genius, a model of methodological mastery, a model of artistic integrity; Pantomime will one day be revered as one of the greatest performers of our time.

INT. MORNING

Camera walks down a hallway in an apartment building.

Camera stops at a slightly ajar door with white face paint smudges at standing eye level. Muffled shouting can be heard from within.

Camera goes inside apartment and begins searching the room. Muffled shouting grows louder and begins to sound like singing.

Camera goes to a closed bedroom door and opens it to reveal Tumbleweed the Tumbler loudly singing along with Madonna's Express Yourself with his face paint already applied. Tumbleweed listens to music through headphones as he clumsily tumbles to and fro working up a sweat during his morning exercises. His singing is shouted as loudly as his throat can muster.

Tumbleweed stops after noticing Camera's presence with annoyance. Tumbleweed removes headphones to speak.

TUMBLEWEED

Pantomime ain't here. He's out 'shopping'.

Tumbleweed pauses while listening to camera man's inaudible question.

TUMBLEWEED (CONT'D)

Whatever.

Tumbleweed begins to replace headphones before pausing to acknowledge Camera's continued presence.

TUMBLEWEED (CONT'D)

How about taking it to the kitchen? I'm kinda in the middle of something here.

Camera exits doorway without closing door and begins making it's way to the kitchen.

TUMBLEWEED (O.C.) (CONT'D)

And close the fuckin'...

Camera turns to see bedroom door slammed shut.

INT. AFTERNOON

Tumbleweed sits at the kitchen table smoking a cigarette.

TUMBLEWEED

I met Pants on the street which funnily enough is where I meet most everybody I know. I was performing and doing quite well when this mimey asshole starts drawing my crowd away. But hey, whatever you know? That's the way it works. So I said 'fuck it' and headed out for a few drinks with Slippy Anderson and Left-Eyed Templeton.

We get hammered and I take off for the bus to call it a night when I see the mime asshole pretending to sleep on the bus bench. I felt sorry for the guy so I told him he could sleep off whatever he was on at my place and here we are years later and I still can't seem to get rid of the little shit.

Off camera the sound of Pantomime's face colliding with the closed front door can be heard.

Camera turns to door and Tumbleweed enters frame to open door.

TUMBLEWEED (CONT'D)

He only turns invisible door knobs. Dumb bastard'll stand out there for hours if you don't let him in.

Pantomime enters apartment smiling broadly while holding invisible grocery bags. Pantomime is in full costume/face paint.

TUMBLEWEED (CONT'D)

Hey dickweed. Manage to actually buy some groceries today?

Camera focuses entirely on Pantomime as he walks into the kitchen and begins putting away invisible groceries.

TUMBLEWEED (O.C.) (CONT'D)

Didn't think so.

CUT TO:

MONTAGE OF PANTOMIME IN GROCERY STORE PRETENDING TO SHOP FOR GROCERIES. HE INSPECTS INVISIBLE EGGS, READS HEALTH LABELS ON INVISIBLE PRODUCTS, COUNTS OUT INVISIBLE MONEY TO A CONFUSED CASHIER FOR INVISIBLE GOODS, ETC.

TUMBLEWEED (V.O.)

This guy. He pretends to do everything that everyone does. He pretends to shop, he pretends to pay bills, he pretends to rent movies; hell, he even came home once all bloodied up for pretending to get his oil changed. Apparently after 20 minutes of attempting to convince the mechanics that he didn't want the deluxe oil change they got impatient and kicked the shit out of him. Needless to say he didn't have to pretend to bleed.

INT. KITCHEN

Camera continues to watch Pantomime in the kitchen while he pours himself an invisible bowl of cereal.

After 'milk' is added to 'cereal' Pantomime leans against a counter and begins eating.

TUMBLEWEED (O.C.)

I have never seen this guy eat before. I mean, really eat. Not once. I seriously don't know how he's still alive.

INT. KITCHEN EARLY EVENING

Pantomime sits alone at a table for an interview.

Pantomime listens to the camera man ask an inaudible question and then pantomimes an overly detailed and indecipherable response to the question.

Pantomime pauses to listen to another inaudible question and again he pantomimes a response so detailed that no one could possibly know what he is trying to communicate.

Pantomime pauses once more to listen to another inaudible question from the camera operator and begins pantomiming yet another detailed, convoluted response. Several seconds into Pantomime's third response he is cut off by an immediate shift to Pantomime's bedroom.

INT. BEDROOM EVENING

Pantomime shows off his invisible possessions in an entirely empty room.

Pantomime shows off his invisible king-sized bed.

Pantomime displays pride while showing off an invisible award he did not win some time ago.

Pantomime points to invisible paintings he pretended to paint in his youth.

Pantomime pretends to water invisible flowers in the corner of his empty room.

INT. BEDROOM EVENING

Camera now focuses on Tumbleweed as he shows off his existent possessions. Tumbleweed's bedroom is overflowing with memorabilia from yesteryear and personal possessions.

Tumbleweed points to and Camera focuses on a framed movie poster from a 1950's era Hollywood film. Film's title is "Tumbleweed the Tumbler" starring a man referred to as "The Tumbler of Tinseltown".

TUMBLEWEED

And this of course is where I got my name. You could sort of say tumbling runs in my blood; this was a film that starred by paternal grandfather. I looked up to him so much as a kid, still do. My mom was too busy blowing through my grandfather's pay off money to really pay attention or give a shit about what I was doing so I would watch grandpa's movies over and over and over again. Even at a young age I was already teaching myself all of his moves and emulating everything he did.

Tumbleweed looks at movie poster with longing.

TUMBLEWEED (CONT'D)

By the time I was old enough to try and meet him he'd been dead for a few years.

Tumbleweed's gaze returns to camera man. He is more optimistic now in his expression.

TUMBLEWEED (CONT'D)

I like to think he's, you know, looking down on me from up there. Keeping tabs on me and all that. I like to think he's proud of me and views me as the heir to his talents.

Tumbleweed takes a healthy drink from a large bottle of liquor.

INT. APARTMENT DUSK

Angel, Pantomime's 'wife', sits in a chair being interviewed by Camera. Pantomime and Tumbleweed can periodically be seen walking to and fro in the background both of which still wear their face paint.

ANGEL

What's it like knowing one of the most beloved mimes in the world? Well... I'm guessing he didn't tell you but I am his wife.

Angel, with dry sarcasm, points to an invisible wedding ring on the ring finger of her left hand.

ANGEL (CONT'D)

We were not married six months ago out in the desert. Annnnnd I hope the non-existent girl who caught the bouquet that I pretended to throw has gotten married and actually consummated said marriage. Because I sure as shit haven't. Pantomime likes to pretend we're having sex... quite often actually. But so far... nothing... yeah... nothing much at all.

CUT TO:

PANTOMIME AND TUMBLEWEED PERFORM FOR THE PUBLIC IN THE STREETS OF A CITY. PANTOMIME'S PERFORMANCE IS WELL DONE AND WELL RECEIVED. TUMBLEWEED'S PERFORMANCE IS ALCOHOL-INFUSED, SLOPPY AND REPEATEDLY MOCKED BY ONLOOKERS AND PASSER BYS.

ANGEL (V.O.)

But people love him. They genuinely love the guy. He brings so much joy to so many people. I guess you could say the fate of all true geniuses is to be a pain in the ass for everyone in their daily lives. But what am I supposed to do? I know I'll never be 'in the spotlight', I know I'll never be famous like I daydreamed about when I was a kid. Maybe this is my contribution.

Angel and Pantomime sit on a couch together watching television.

Pantomime begins pretending to flip through the channels obviously annoyed by what's playing. Angel notices his movement and tiredly changes the channel with an actual remote.

ANGEL (V.O.) (CONT'D)

I don't know, maybe it's what I'm supposed to be doing. I just wish I could be a little happier doing it, that's all.

We return to the seated Angel being interviewed by Camera.

ANGEL (CONT'D)

Do I love him? Sometimes. Not as often as I'd like. But hey, everybody else does.

Pantomime and a very inebriated Tumbleweed sit next to one another.

Tumbleweed glares hatefully at Pantomime who looks ahead innocently smiling at nothing in particular.

TUMBLEWEED

You... you mother's fucker. Ya know I oughta... I should show you

the what for and the why to... you... fuckin' unmerciless prick you...

Tumbleweed stumbles around the apartment so drunk he can barely see. As he crashes into walls and breaks things he laughs at himself viewing his antics as comical rather than slightly pathetic.

ANGEL (V.O.)

I actually met Pantomime through Tumbleweed. I was interning as a P.A. for a casting director and we were auditioning actors to play jailhouse toughs.

Tumbleweed is drunkenly splashing water on his face from the kitchen sink; occasionally some of it hits his face. He makes strange growling/tuba noises as he does so.

ANGEL (V.O.) (CONT'D)

So it's getting towards the end of the day and in rolls this... this dumb ass guy in face paint and with grandeur he introduces himself as 'Tumbleweed the Tumbler'. He then proceeds to roll around on the floor for twenty minutes looking like a fool. Needless to say he didn't get the part.

Camera is once again focused on Angel who still sits in the same place from previous shots.

ANGEL (CONT'D)

But god I wish to this day that we'd've gotten it on tape.

Tumbleweed is trying to talk with Pantomime. Their talks are friendly and jovial, even loving.

ANGEL (V.O.) (CONT'D)

A few weeks later I was out drinking with some co-workers and we go to this bar near the studio and there is Tumbleweed rolling around in the floor of the bar.

Tumbleweed and Pantomime's friendly and jovial conversation has quickly escalated to Tumbleweed attempting to pick a fight with Pantomime. Tumbleweed pushes him causing an outlandish and overwrought reaction from Pantomime.

ANGEL (V.O.) (CONT'D)

Once he began rolling around in his own filth I took pity on him and helped him get a cab home. 'Stumbleweed', that's what they were calling him. 'Stumbleweed'.

Camera is once again focused on Angel who still sits in the same place from previous shots.

ANGEL (CONT'D)

So we'd get together occasionally and eventually I met Pantomime and the rest is history.

Tumbleweed intrudes on interview by almost falling on Angel's shoulder slurring his dialogue and generally invading her personal space.

TUMBLEWEED

Hey... hey. You know you love me. If you didn't love me so much you couldn't hate me like you do.

ANGEL

Your breathe smells like a ripe petting zoo.

TUMBLEWEED

HAH!

Tumbleweed lies in the floor slowly pedaling his legs as he drunkenly half sleeps.

ANGEL (V.O.)

I'd say that I would like to meet the bitch that fucked him up but in all honesty I don't think that I would.

Tumbleweed slothfully crawls on his hands and knees in an attempt to reach his bed.

ANGEL (V.O.) (CONT'D)

Its not an intimidation thing its just that I really don't care enough about him to find out.

INT. APARTMENT DAY

Tumbleweed enters the living room wearing a dirty t-shirt, boxer shorts and his face paint. He broadly yawns while scratching his balls in the midst of a hangover.

Angel stands in the kitchen steeping a tea bag in a mug of hot water. While still groggy from the early hour she is far more put together than Tumbleweed.

Tumbleweed enters kitchen and contrast between the two is grossly apparent.

TUMBLEWEED

Did you sleep over?

ANGEL

Nope.

TUMBLEWEED

Shouldn't you be at work?

ANGEL

Nope.

TUMBLEWEED

Well don't keep me in suspense, why the fuck not?

ANGEL

Its Saturday you degenerate.

TUMBLEWEED

Oh.

Tumbleweed genuinely thinks to himself for a moment.

TUMBLEWEED (CONT'D)

Really?

ANGEL

You are such a low, low being.

TUMBLEWEED

Lick my balls.

ANGEL

There's coffee on.

TUMBLEWEED

Great.

Pantomime enters the living room in much the same manner as Tumbleweed only Pantomime is in full costume/makeup and looks as though he is at his peak energy level for the day.

Pantomime approaches Angel and pretends to kiss and hug her with an over abundance of affection. He never once physically touches her. She unsuccessfully pushes him away trying to escape his stuffy, pseudo P.D.A.

TUMBLEWEED (O.C.) (CONT'D)

Isn't that just fucking cute. Makes me feel all warm and fuzzy like I'm wrapped in a panda bear blanket with koalas feeding me kumquats.

ANGEL (TO PANTOMIME)

Come on its too early.

Pantomime ceases his affections and looks saddened by Angel's rebuke.

ANGEL (CONT'D)

So why is it that everyone else in the world can be a complete asshole first thing in the morning but I don't get to? Why is that Pantomime?

Pantomime wipes away an invisible tear.

ANGEL (CONT'D)

Jesus will you at least give it a rest until I've finished my tea? Can I start my day without you blubbering all over me?

Camera focuses on a standing Angel while interviewing her.

ANGEL (CONT'D)

I don't resent Pantomime or anything. And its not that he treats me badly it's just... it's... it feels like I'm not real to him because he didn't make me up. Ever felt like that?

Angle pauses for response from camera operator.

ANGEL (CONT'D)

Yeah, didn't think so.

INT. APARTMENT NIGHT

Tumbleweed and Angel are drinking in the living room while Pantomime pretends to drink. Pantomime and Tumbleweed both wear their face paint.

Angel laughs at Tumbleweed's story with genuine delight.

ANGEL

You are so full of shit!

TUMBLEWEED

I swear to god I hit that little kid with everything I had. He deserved it; the little bastard was heckling me!

ANGEL

And you wonder why you're still a street performer.

All the pleasure drains from Tumbleweed's face.

TUMBLEWEED

What?

Angel is still in a joking attitude towards Tumbleweed.

ANGEL

What?! You just told me you beat up a 10 year old and you wonder why no one will hire you?

TUMBLEWEED

You fucking bitch! How dare you

ANGEL

Don't call me a fucking bitch you pathe-

TUMBLEWEED

Pathetic?! I'm pathetic and you're the one having pseudo-sex with schizo Mahatma over here?

ANGEL

At least he has talent! At least he's doing something with himself!

TUMBLEWEED

Oh yeah he does a lot with himself. He doesn't pay any fucking rent because he doesn't have any money, he doesn't buy food

ANGEL

He doesn't eat, what's he need

TUMBLEWEED

Helping me out around here would be great! All he does is mooch off me and steal any audience I might

ANGEL

The only audience you can get are crackheads who are trying to steal the nickels that blind people throw at you because even they're sick of watching you make an ass out of yourself. Face it Stumble, you have no talent. You have no drive. You will never get any better. Everyone who knows you hates you including myself.

TUMBLEWEED

You hate me?

ANGEL

I loathe you Tumbleweed. I look at you and wonder why children in third world countries should starve when you're sitting here pickling perfectly good meat. What is it you want out of life? This? Living in a shitty apartment letting people laugh at you and mock you and hate you? Get off your ass and do something with yourself before you wake up and realize that your nothing but a wrinkled up old fart who only tumbles out of bed in his senility.

TUMBLEWEED

If you hate me so much then why are you fucking me?!

Pantomime becomes alarmed and stares at Angel with wide eyes. He wants her to deny Tumbleweed's allegations but she can not.

Angel tries to look up at Pantomime but she is too ashamed to meet his gaze.

Pantomime storms out of the living room to his bedroom.

ANGEL (O.C.)

How could you do that to him?

TUMBLEWEED (O.C.)

Do what? Tell him the truth? If you're

In Pantomime's empty bedroom he slowly and methodically pretends to clean an invisible gun.

Angel and Tumbleweed argue in the living room while standing.

ANGEL

I knew this was going to happen!

TUMBLEWEED

Hey nobody put a gun to your head and made you suck

ANGEL

You son of a bitch. Why did you tell him about us?

TUMBLEWEED

What do you mean us? There is no us. There's you getting loaded and horny when you're married to a guy that won't put out. I'm not to blame here; if you can't handle being married to him you should be the one to tell him to piss or get off the pot. If you can't be happy dickless than you shouldn't be married to a fucking mime.

ANGEL

A relationship isn't just about sex Tumbleweed.

TUMBLEWEED

Yeah but its a big ass part of it! You knew who he was when you married him. What? Did you think you were going to change him? Please tell me that's what you thought because I could use a good laugh.

ANGEL

I thought he'd give in after a while! I thought that nobody's level of commitment to something like miming could ever be to their own detriment. He's a human being, why does he do this to himself?

TUMBLEWEED

Awww. So you wanted to help him see the light beaming from your gaping girl parts. How fucking selfless of you.

ANGEL

Fuck you Tumbleweed! I can't believe I ever slept with you.

TUMBLEWEED

Hey don't make it sound like it was a one-time deal or some 'one thing led to another' bunch of bullshit. This was a decision you made frequently and just because it got easier every time you made it doesn't mean that you should've kept doing it.

ANGEL

So let me guess, you're the innocent one in all this.

TUMBLEWEED

I'm not the one married to the guy. I knew what I was doing and I did it. I take responsibility for my actions and if I was wracked with guilt over it I wouldn't have kept fucking you.

ANGEL

How fucking romantic.

TUMBLEWEED

Exactly! Thank you! This was never about romance or feelings or love; this was about Lonely Girl A fucking Guy Who Doesn't Give a Shit B.

Pantomime enters the living room disrupting the argument. Pantomime is pretending to be semi-crazed and temporarily insane.

ANGEL (O.C.)

Pantomime

Pantomime points his finger at Tumbleweed's head making the 'gun' hand gesture where his index finger is the barrel and his thumb is the hammer.

TUMBLEWEED

Oh jesus christ. Pantomime

Pantomime lets his thumb/hammer fall which does nothing to Tumbleweed.

TUMBLEWEED (CONT'D)

Why the fuck do you think your wife's fucking someone else.

Pantomime repeatedly fires his finger gun at Tumbleweed's head becoming more distraught with each unsuccessful attempt at murder.

TUMBLEWEED (CONT'D)

Look at yourself! Can't you just stop for two seconds?! Your roommate is fucking your wife! This dumb fucking artistic integrity is going to

Pantomime turns his finger gun at his own temple. There is an ungodly fear in his eyes which turns to rage an instant before he lets his thumb/hammer fall. Pantomime lifelessly drops to the floor.

TUMBLEWEED (CONT'D)

Jesus fucking christ what next?

INT. APARTMENT MORNING

Pantomime lies on an existent table in the center of his empty bedroom.

ANGEL (V.O.)

He's been like this for about a week. I thought he'd come out of it after a couple of days at the most but...

Camera focuses on Angel who stands and leans against a wall in Pantomime's bedroom. Filled with anxiety and visibly shaking Angel smokes a cigarette while keeping a constant vigil on Pantomime's unresponsive body.

ANGEL (CONT'D)

After the third day I took Pantomime to the hospital and they wouldn't admit him because there's technically nothing wrong. The next obvious choice would be to have him institutionalized.

Angel looks up at camera operator with teary eyes.

ANGEL (CONT'D)

But I don't think I'm quite ready for that yet.

Tumbleweed sits at the dining room table smoking a cigarette and drinking as the afternoon sun sneaks in from the closed blinds.

TUMBLEWEED

Am I sorry about what happened? No, not really. It was her choice to fuck around on him, not mine. And if it wasn't me fucking her than it would've been someone else.

Tumbleweed takes a long pull from his liquor bottle.

TUMBLEWEED (CONT'D)

Girl just wanted a warm prick and I was the closest one. What am I gonna do? Say no?

Tumbleweed lights a new cigarette with the old one. For the first time we notice that his hands are shaking.

TUMBLEWEED (CONT'D)

What the fuck ever though, right?

A knock is heard at the door which draws Tumbleweed's attention.

Tumbleweed opens the door to reveal six mimes of varying ages and sexes solemnly looking at him.

In Pantomime's bedroom Camera focuses on Angel and Tumbleweed standing next to one another while off camera the six mimes are a beehive of activity.

TUMBLEWEED (CONT'D)

Where did you come up with these people?

ANGEL

The internet. Mimes love instant messaging.

Two of the six mimes are pretending to scrub for surgery.

One of the six mimes is pretending to insert an invisible I.V. into Pantomime's arm.

One of the six mimes is pretending to set up invisible equipment that will monitor Pantomimes vitals.

One of the six mimes is pretending to arrange invisible surgical tools on an invisible tray.

One of the six mimes is pretending to place invisible rubber gloves onto the hands of a mime who was previously pretending to scrub for surgery.

All six of the mimes are pretending to finish surgical preparations.

One of the six mimes is mentally preparing for his pseudo surgery as another of the six pretends to tie an invisible surgical mask around the back of his head.

One of the six mimes has walked over to Angel and Tumbleweed. The mime is attempting to lure Tumbleweed away from the wall and Angel.

TUMBLEWEED

What the hell?

ANGEL

I think they need your help.

TUMBLEWEED

I'm not taking part in this goddamned

Tumbleweed hatefully mimics an EKG machine slowly making 'beep' sounds to show Pantomime's steady heart rate.

TUMBLEWEED (CONT'D)

Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep

The surgeon mime pauses momentarily with his invisible scalpel before pretending to make the first incision.

TUMBLEWEED (V.O.) (CONT'D)

Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep

A nurse mime passes an invisible instrument to the surgeon mime.

TUMBLEWEED (V.O.) (CONT'D)

Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep

A stoic nurse mime looks on at the fake operation standing near Pantomime's feet.

TUMBLEWEED (V.O.) (CONT'D)

Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep

A nurse mime pretends to suction invisible blood from Pantomime's non-existent wound.

TUMBLEWEED (V.O.) (CONT'D)

Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep

A nurse mime pretends to wipe sweat from surgeon mime's forehead.

TUMBLEWEED (V.O.) (CONT'D)

Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep

Panic takes all six mimes as the pretend operation begins to go awry. Tumbleweed is slow to catch on to the change but after a moment of slow 'beeps' he quickens the pace to mimic Pantomime's increased heart beat.

TUMBLEWEED (V.O.) (CONT'D)

Beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep

One of the nurse mimes pretends to wheel in an invisible heart defibrillator preparing for the worst. Tumbleweed reacts on cue.

TUMBLEWEED (V.O.) (CONT'D)

Beepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeep

Surgeon mime works frantically at pretending to keep

Pantomime from pretending to die. Nurse mimes swarm surgeon

mime quickly handing him instruments he wordlessly requests,

pretending to inject fluids into invisible I.V. tubes from

non-existent hypodermic needles, etc.

TUMBLEWEED (V.O.) (CONT'D)

Beepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeep

Surgeon mime pretends to reach for the invisible paddles of

the non-existent heart defibrillator and allows a nurse mime

to pretend to squeeze invisible conductive gel from an

invisible tube onto the paddles.

Surgeon mime pretends to rub the invisible paddles together

before pressing them to Pantomime's chest and giving a silent

call of 'clear'. All nurse mimes distance themselves from

Pantomime's body.

TUMBLEWEED (V.O.) (CONT'D)

Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

As surgeon mime pretends to shock Pantomime his chest heaves.

Surgeon mime looks at the invisible EKG monitor.

TUMBLEWEED (V.O.) (CONT'D)

Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Surgeon mime again gives the silent 'clear' order and pretends to shock Pantomime whose chest heaves under the pseudo volts surging through his body.

A nurse mime pretends to turn up the voltage on the invisible heart defibrillator.

TUMBLEWEED (V.O.) (CONT'D)

Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Surgeon mime gives the 'clear' order and pretends to shock Pantomime again to no avail. He pretends to shock Pantomime a second time and the only result is Pantomime's body heaving.

Surgeon mime pauses for a moment.

A nurse mime puts a consolatory hand on surgeon mime's shoulder.

TUMBLEWEED (V.O.) (CONT'D)

Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Surgeon mime grudgingly looks down at his watch.

TUMBLEWEED (V.O.) (CONT'D)

Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Before pretending to call the time of death surgeon mime becomes enraged and begins pounding on Pantomime's chest with his fist.

TUMBLEWEED (V.O.) (CONT'D)

Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Several nurse mimes attempt to restrain the surgeon mime.

TUMBLEWEED (V.O.) (CONT'D)

Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep.

All mimes pause and realize that Pantomime has returned life.

All mimes silently acknowledge the 'miracle' and return to work.

All mimes continue with the fake operation.

TUMBLEWEED (V.O.) (CONT'D)

Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep.

INT. LIVING ROOM NIGHT

A disheveled Angel and an intoxicated Tumbleweed sit next to one another on the couch as though they were in a waiting room. The air is thick between them but they say nothing to one another.

A nurse mime excitedly enters the living room coaxing Angel and Tumbleweed to follow her to Pantomime's bedroom.

Camera follows nurse mime, Angel and Tumbleweed to Pantomime's bedroom.

Upon entering the bedroom Pantomime is seen revived and joyously blowing fake kisses to all mimes around him while sitting up on the table. Mimes surrounding Pantomime are celebratory.

Upon seeing Angel Pantomime attempts to stand and nearly falls. He is caught by the mimes around him and is silently chastened by them while being placed back into a seated position on the table.

Angel draws close to Pantomime and he hugs her lovingly. This is the first time we have seen actual and intentional physical contact by Pantomime toward anyone.

Tumbleweed, standing at arms length of Angel and Pantomime, is grabbed by Pantomime and pulled in close for a loving, actual wet kiss on the cheek. Tumbleweed reacts to the kiss by pursing his face. While he outwardly hates Pantomime's affection he does nothing to prevent it from happening.

All of the six mimes clap at the scene as Pantomime continues to actually embrace his 'wife' and friend.

INT. STUDIO

The interview with a seated Teenager continues.

TEENAGER

Like... my mom's boyfriend took me to a Pantomime show once... like a bonding thing cause he knows I hate him. But we get down there and like... I didn't even need my PSP... it was... ... good.

The interview with a seated Pantomimer continues.

PANTOMIMER

I would do anything for him. Anything. I heard he's married... I don't care. It wouldn't stop me. If he wanted me to su-

The interview with a seated Mime continues.

MIME

He does it all! He's a fucking inspiration to us all! My life had no meaning before Pantomime and after he's gone I'll build fucking monuments so people can worship him!

The interview with a seated Pantomimer continues.

PANTOMIMER

I just want to be with him. I want to be close to him. I want to smell him, to take in his scent... his animal scent... it'd drive me wild.

The interview with a seated Professor continues.

PROFESSOR

Pantomime's mark on this world is a tremendous one. And the greatest feat of all is the fact that he is not yet finished influencing this world. In a society where celebrities are worshiped as gods and their private lives are picked apart only to leave the public with the knowledge that their heroes are nothing more than ordinary people with ordinary wants and desires Pantomime has risen above all preconceived notion of simplicity and created a figure that can be idolized and can be looked up to. The world will be a far emptier and more desolate place once he is gone but Pantomime has succeeded in showing us an artist who can be fully appreciated even before his own demise.

The interview with a seated Mime concludes.

MIME

Long fucking live fucking Pantomime.

The end.
Animal Crackers

INT - SHOPPING MALL

Cute puppies frolic and play behind the protective glass of a pet shop storefront.

FARMERJOHN4 bends down before the glass enclosure lecherously watching the puppies at play. His lust is playful itself, unlike the typical assumption of perversity.

FARMERJOHN4 (O.S.)

Oh you little bitch. That's right, you play. Get all worked up and excited rolling around with those other pups. That's right you got it girl. Oh you little slut dog you. Mmmmmmm. Yeah.

CUT TO:

INT. - PET STORE

Farmerjohn4 holds a puppy from the enclosure allowing it to mercilessly lick his face. He enjoys the licking far more than onlookers are comfortable in viewing it. Character is identified as FARMERJOHN4 through on screen title.

FARMERJOHN4 (V.O.)

I've got into animals as far back as I've been getting boners. Got a taste for it on the family farm. A lot of the specialists chalk it up to me being raised around more livestock than people, like the lack of girls being around made me start humping goats. You never know, they may be right. But that was then and this is now and I'd take a goat over a girl any day of the week.

Farmerjohn4 stands before a salesclerk with the puppy under his arm.

FARMERJOHN4 (CONT'D)

Do you have a wash room I could use.

PUPPY

Arf!

CUT TO:

EXT. - CITY STREET - NIGHT

Farmerjohn4 walks along the pavement while conversing with the camera.

FARMERJOHN4

Problem is the people man. They don't understand it so they laugh. Which is pretty OK really; more critters for me. But then they hate you for it. They claim you're hurting the animals or they ain't got a choice in the matter. You know what I say to that? 'I've never heard 'em complain.'

CUT TO:

INT. - A FILM SET

Behind the scenes in a studio DIRECTOR47 speaks to the camera. Character is identified as Director47 through on screen title.

DIRECTOR47

The internet's done some great things for us. It gives zoos everywhere a sense of community you know? And it allows me to get my movies to a wider audience.

Behind Director47 a three member group of a mariachi band walks past.

DIRECTOR47 (CONT'D)

When I was a kid it was like; scour the internet for hours looking for a 3 second clip of a girl fellating a dog. Now you can't...

STARLET enters frame next to Director 47. Starlet is a used up, drug addled girl in her early 20's wearing far too much make up and wearing far too little clothing. Her body is thin and frail and not attractive looking.

STARLET

Are we gonna do this or waahhhhhat?

DIRECTOR47 (ANNOYED)

Yeah, we're going to...

Behind Director47 and Starlet a llama passes by led by a leash.

STARLET

What the hell is that thing?

DIRECTOR47

It's a... the movie's called Llamamba, what do you think it is.

Starlet casts him an icy stare.

DIRECTOR47 (CONT'D)

Did you even read the script?!

Starlet turns and slowly exits.

DIRECTOR47 (CONT'D)

Anyway, so yeah, everyone is connecting in new ways. They even had a convention last year which is great. They're doing it again this year and I've been invited so one of my studs and a friend of mine are...

Director47 suddenly looks O.C. and shouts direction.

DIRECTOR47 (CONT'D)

HEY SOMEBODY GET A RUBBER ON THAT THING! WE RUN A CLEAN SET HERE!

Behind Director47 Farmerjohn4 walks by in nothing but a towel and a smile on his face.

FARMERJOHN4

I am gonna make that llama wish it'd never been born.

CUT TO:

INT - DOCTOR'S OFFICE LOBBY

SENSITIVEFISH, a young college student, nervously sits in the waiting room surrounded by echoing coughs and shrilling children in the background.

SENSITIVEFISH

Am I excited about Animal Crackers... [lowers voice around others] you bet I am. When I was a kid I didn't have anyone who was... who was like me. So yeah, it'll be great to be surrounded by like minded people.

I hate that I still can't share something that's so important to me with my loved ones. Last Christmas I had to bring 'Amanda' home with me because I'd been telling my mom for months that I had a girlfriend and she was starting to pressure me about getting to meet her. I told a girl from school that I was a closeted homosexual and convinced her to come home with me as a cover story. Of course that opened a whole new can of worms because then I had to start acting like I was gay at school.

INT - DOCTOR'S OFFICE

A doctor diagnoses Sensitivefish.

DOCTOR

Mr. {bleep} your blood work has finally yielded results and it looks like you have what is called brucellosis.

SENSITIVEFISH

Oh god.

DOCTOR

It would explain the excessive sweating, the aches and possibly the depression though that is no reason to discontinue your anti anxiety regimen. Tell me, have you been ingesting unpasteurized milk or possibly...

SENSITIVEFISH

Oh god I've got the bang.

DOCTOR

Over the last few months have you been in contact with any animals from foreign countries or possibly...

SENSITIVEFISH

I knew it. I knew this was going to happen. You know you're caught up in the moment...

DOCTOR

Mister...

SENSITIVEFISH

... you're all into it and you don't want to stop because it'll ruin the mood...

DOCTOR

What do you...

SENSITIVEFISH

... I mean the condoms where right there on the dresser and all I had to do...

DOCTOR

Are you... did you acquire this disease from intercourse?

An awkward pause permeates the room.

SENSITIVEFISH

Oh...

DOCTOR

If someone you know has the disease it is imperative that they seek treatment immediately.

SENSITIVEFISH

It... wasn't... a person... per se.

DOCTOR

Are you saying th-

SENSITIVEFISH

Yeah.

DOCTOR

Oh.

SENSITIVEFISH

Yeah.

INT - VAN - DAY

Director47 (driver), Farmerjohn4 (passenger) and Sensitivefish (in back) ride inside of a film production van while traveling down an interstate. The walls of the cargo area is adorned with hanging production equipment. The cameraman is also sitting in the cargo area with Sensitivefish.

Director47 speaks with occasional, over the shoulder glances at the camera to indicate he is answering a question that has already been asked.

DIRECTOR47

For me it was a matter of progression. As a teen I started out with girls, and I liked girls. Still do. But one vagina is much the same as another so I branched out to men. And that was good for a while, women and men, but eventually 'normal' sex just wasn't enough.

FARMERJOHN4

You sexual deviant.

DIRECTOR47

A sexual deviant is someone who pantses random women on the street and goes home to compulsively masturbate about it.

FARMERJOHN4

Your point?

Director47 casts Farmerjohn4 a long, mean look.

DIRECTOR47

So after film school I started getting into... kinkier stuff; S&M, bondage, orgies, latex, mucus, watersports, scat, voyeurism, exhibitionism, role play, and eventually animals. After I'd tried pretty much everything I could find I had a nervous breakdown. My therapist discovered that I was inordinately attracted to the taboo element of sexuality and after I had run through all the taboos my brain just kind of melted. But therapy helps and I'm able to cope a little better every day. The movies? You'd be amazed how difficult it is to find good directors to shoot animal videos. I have a talent and I can stomach the work load.

Through the windshield a roadside attraction sign can be seen advertising "The Lamb of God".

Sensitivefish looks directly at camera while answering the unspoken question. While doing so he is readying a syringe for his brucellosis medication.

SENSITIVEFISH

For me it was the Discovery Channel.

FARMERJOHN4 (O.S.)

What are you, a junky now?

SENSITIVEFISH

It's my brucellosis medication.

Sensitivefish reacts with mild annoyance at Farmerjohn4's remark.

FARMERJOHN4 (O.S.)

Oh ho yeah, you're all crudded up.

Sensitivefish's countenance lightens with Director47's words of encouragement.

DIRECTOR47 (O.S.)

At least its something you can cure.

Sensitivefish looks slightly wistful at Farmerjohn4's words.

FARMERJOHN4 (O.S.)

Yeah but what a shitty time to have a V.D. There's going to be mad orgies and shit every where.

Sensitivefish's attention is grabbed once more by a repeated, yet unheard, question from the camera operator.

SENSITIVEFISH

Huh? Oh yeah, the Discovery Channel. Even before I really understood what sex was watching animals mating aroused me. I guess I'm just wired for it.

Farmerjohn4 excitedly points out an exit.

FARMERJOHN4

This is us. This is us. Turn turn turn.

DIRECTOR47

Alright alright, keep your shirt on.

EXT - MUDDIED FIELD - DAY

The three main characters stand in line outside of a barn. Before and behind them rural citizens stoically wait for their chance to see the Lamb of God. It had rained early that very day and the grass still holds the dampness from it. Standing at the entrance to the barn are handlers known as Lambsmen.

SENSITIVEFISH

Is this thing really real?

FARMERJOHN4

Of course it is.

DIRECTOR47

If it's so really real then maybe they'd let us take the camera inside.

SENSITIVEFISH

Break down the fourth wall much?

DIRECTOR47

It's a documentary, that's the point.

FARMERJOHN4

All I know is what better way to kick off this little road trip than to surround ourselves with people who adore animals so much they'd wait in line for hours just to be close to one.

DIRECTOR47

This whole thing freaks me out a little. These are the same people who'd've gladly burned us alive just a few hundred years ago.

SENSITIVEFISH

I think we've evolved a little more than that.

DIRECTOR47

I don't think I've heard a sentence with more the four syllables since we got here.

The man in line in front of main characters is an overweight man wearing a trucker's cap with plastic lamb on the bill bearing a crucified Christ on the bill. He turns to Director47 while drinking from a 2 liter bottle of soda. He then offers Director47 a drink from the bottle.

DIRECTOR47 (CONT'D)

No. Thanks.

An elderly woman cannot wipe the smile from her face while speaking to the camera. She has the glow of Jeesus about her. The woman stands next in line for the attraction and from this distance the entrance of the barn is more visible. The frame of the entrance is decorated with all manner of devotional gifts left by visitors including religious memorabilia such as portraits of the Virgin Mary, crucifixes, flowers (bouquets, wreathes and stems), childrens' drawings of the lamb, terribly carved icons and statuettes, etc.

OLD WOMAN

I've already seen him nine times already. I just can't get enough of him. Its a true gift from God that creature. I just love that little lamb so much; its the most beautiful thing I ever have seen. Every time I touch it I just tingle all over. I wish my Hector were still alive, it would have brought him so much pleasure to see me with that lamb.

Behind the elderly woman Director47 and Sensitivefish can be seen exiting the barn. The cameraman begins walking towards them causing the view of the camera to shake in a way that the viewer is not witness as to whether Farmerjohn4 is bringing up the rear.

Director47 and Sensitivefish have stopped walking outside the barn to speak with the camera.

DIRECTOR47

It was a lamb.

SENSITIVEFISH

It has a birthmark on its flank that's supposed to look like Jesus but I think it looks more like a continent from a topographical map. Its great though that everyone believes its God's divinity at work.

DIRECTOR47

When it comes down to it all religion is based solely on the power of belief so I guess... why shouldn't their livestock be as well?

An off camera ruckus of some kind draws the main characters' attention away from the camera. After a momentary glance they look at one another with hurried shock.

DIRECTOR47 (CONT'D)

Oh god, where's...

Farmerjohn4 bolts out of the barn's entrance holding his unbuttoned pants around his waist. The Lambsmen give chase and are soon joined by the rural citizens who were waiting in line. Director47 and Sensitivefish run after the mob and the camera gives pursuit causing our view of the incidents to be blurred and shaky.

DIRECTOR47 (CONT'D)

Oh shit! The van! Get to the van!

LAMBSMEN 1

HE'S DEFILED THE LAMB!

RURAL CITIZEN 1

KILL HIM!

SENSITIVEFISH

Oh god oh god oh god!

RURAL CITIZEN 2

HEATHEN!

RURAL CITIZEN 3

EVIL SON OF A BITCH!

LAMBSMEN 2

YOU MINE BOY YOU MINE!

SENSITIVEFISH

You've got the keys?!

DIRECTOR47

YOU DON'T?! He's got 'em! Let's go! C'mon c'mon!

RURAL CITIZEN 1

COME BACK HERE AN' FACE US LIKE A MAN!

RURAL CITIZEN 4

DRAW AND QUARTER THE BASTARD!

RURAL CITIZEN 2

BURN THE DEVIL OUT OF HIM!

Farmerjohn4 has made it to the van and throws mud as he hammers the gas.

Upon seeing Director 47, Sensitivefish and the cameraman he locks up the brakes, slides in the mud into a tree and waits long enough for the three of them to dash into the back of the van.

INT - VAN - DAY

Farmerjohn4 hammers the gas leaving the angry mob behind and covered in mud; visible from the still opened back doors of the van.

Sensitivefish closes the back doors revealing that they have once again returned to paved road.

Director47 and Sensitivefish catch their breathe.

FARMERJOHN4

In all seriousness... that was one tasty lamb of god.

DIRECTOR47

What the hell were you thinking?! You could've gotten us killed back there.

FARMERJOHN4

What can I say? I felt the powerful and insatiable desire to have Jesus inside me.

SENSITIVEFISH

Maybe we should slow down. I don't think they're following us.

DIRECTOR47

You could have warned us that you were planning on violating a roadside attraction before we got off the interstate.

FARMERJOHN4

I didn't plan on doing it... it just sorta happened. I got back there and started petting it and... well one thing led to another...

DIRECTOR47

God I don't even want to hear it.

FARMERJOHN4

Jealous?

Sensitivefish has risen to his knees and leans over the empty passenger seat to look at the side mirror.

SENSITIVEFISH

Guys?

DIRECTOR47

Jealous?!

SENSITIVEFISH

Guys.

FARMERJOHN4

Would you feel better if I let you smell my finger?

SENSITIVEFISH

Guys I think we're being pulled over.

The van has stopped and a policeman stands by the driver side door.

COP 1

License, registration and proof of insurance .

Farmerjohn4 produces license, registration and proof of insurance.

FARMERJOHN4

I know we were...

Cop 1 walks away from window before Farmerjohn4 can finish his sentence.

DIRECTOR47

We are so screwed.

FARMERJOHN4

Don't worry about it. He'll give us a ticket and we'll be on our way. We crossed the state line back there so I don't think...

DIRECTOR47

What, are we the Duke boys or something? Did we get passed the county line Chief Hog?

SENSITIVEFISH

Boss Hog. He wasn't the chief.

Director47 gives Sensitivefish an evil glare that causes S.fish to turn away unable to meet his gaze.

FARMERJOHN4

Just don't freak out on me and we'll be fine.

Cop 1 returns to the driver window.

COP 1

We just received a call that some guys in a white van tried to do some nasty things to the Lamb of God. What do you think about that?

FARMERJOHN4

I think that's a terrible thing officer. Imagine someone wanting to cause harm...

COP 1

Can it wise ass.

Cop 1 indignantly flips tosses papers at F.John4's chest.

COP 1 (CONT'D)

Now there's two ways we can do this boys. First way involves me taking you all to county where there's a whole mess of fellas would love to meet the guys who tried to hurt The Lamb.

Cop 1 is momentarily silent while waiting on a response.

FARMERJOHN4

Or?

Cop 1 smiles broadly.

COP 1

Heh.

CUT TO:

EXT - VAN - DAY

Seen through police cruiser's dashboard camera. Three main characters and cameraman are taken from the van by Cop 1 and Cop 2. They are gruffly pushed against the side of the van and forced to assumed the position. A pickup truck from the opposite direction pulls over onto the shoulder of the highway. The main characters and cameraman are patted down and then handcuffed. The driver of the pickup truck climbs out and drops the tailgate of his truck. A large hound dog eagerly dives out. Cop 1 walks over to pickup drives and they shake hands. Cop 2 removes Director47 from side of van and forces him to bend over the front of the squad car. Cop1 happily looks on in anticipation. Large hound dog is brought over to Director47. Dog mounts Director47.

QUICK CUT TO:

BLACK.

INT - VAN - DAY

The setting sun shines through the passenger side window while a blur of houses and vegetation pass by.

SENSITIVEFISH (V.O.)

Everyone needs to feel a sense of belonging. Everyone needs to feel a sense of acceptance. We all want to feel love and to be loved.

CUT TO:

INT - TENT - NIGHT

The three main characters huddle together for warmth while camping outside for the night.

SENSITIVEFISH (V.O.)

People were born with an innate, predetermined set of instincts and our environment, our upbringing and our education helped to mold our behavioral patterns in such a complex manner that no level of psychological analysis or scientific reasoning could ever hope to fully explain.

CUT TO:

INT - DINER - DAY

The three main characters eat breakfast in a booth.

SENSITIVEFISH (V.O.)

We are creatures of habit, creatures of tactile stimulus, creatures who are slaves to our sensory capacities and servants to our ingrained predilections.

CUT TO:

EXT - COW FIELD - DAY

Farmerjohn4 snaps a photo of Director47 standing next to a cow and a bull having sex. After photo is snapped Farmerjohn4 cheerily waves goodbye to the still rutting animals. Two characters make their way back toward the road.

SENSITIVEFISH (V.O.)

And above all this society itself instills in us mixed messages of consumer satisfaction coupled with a desire to conformity so that we may be better tallied up and statistically evaluated for the distribution of funds, predictions in market trends, and the process of planning the whole of civilization.

CUT TO:

EXT - CITY STREET - DAY

Farmerjohn4 attempts to lure a stray dog from an alleyway with a proffered scrap of food.

SENSITIVEFISH (V.O.)

An entangled web too ridiculously convoluted for comprehension attempts daily to remind us that we are all the same when our parents have told us since infancy we are as unique as snowflakes.

CUT TO:

INT - VAN - DAY

Director47 and Farmerjohn4 hysterically laugh in the front seats.

SENSITIVEFISH (V.O.)

The question is not who is lying but how to weed through the lies. The goal is to discover what makes you happy. But when the trouble is doing what makes you happy then the processes of social structuring break down on a individual level.

CUT TO:

INT - VAN - DAY

While passing a comically obese, roadside farmer he gives the main characters inside the evil eye.

SENSITIVEFISH (V.O.)

By doing what makes us happy we are isolated from society, forced to remain closeted to our friends and our families so that in the end we may only love those who love the things we love.

CUT TO:

EXT - VAN- EVENING

Farmerjohn4 hops up and down on the roof of the van during a brief roadside break.

SENSITIVEFISH (V.O.)

We are singled out, mocked, and looked down upon by those within earshot in the name of almighty convenience.

CUT TO:

EXT - ROADSIDE - LATE EVENING

Farmerjohn4 stands next to a roadside attraction sign as Sensitivefish snaps several photos as Director47 laughs. The sign reads 'World's Biggest Cock' accompanied by a painting of a giant rooster. Farmerjohn4 grins broadly in one photo, acts like he is licking the rooster's rectum in another photo, rubs the rooster's groin, etc.

SENSITIVEFISH (V.O.)

They lash out at us because we are easy targets. They abuse us because we have no protector. They ridicule us because to truly do good, to truly make a difference would require dedication, hard work, and the blood, sweat, and tears caused by the knowledge that all the effort one person or many could make may never be enough.

CUT TO:

EXT - CITY STREET - DUSK

Director47 stands next to the entrance to a gas station eating from a bag of potato chips. Next to him a youth (early teens) stands and looks at the bag. Director47 notices the teen's gaze and offers him a chip. The youth grabs the bag and runs away. Director47 gives chase.

SENSITIVEFISH (V.O.)

They want to change the world but they simply do not know how. They want to make the world a better place but they don't have the will to do what is necessary. But the funny thing is we want the same thing.

CUT TO:

INT - VAN - NIGHT

The headlights illuminate the barren highway.

SENSITIVEFISH (V.O.)

The same instincts that course through every human being on this planet courses through our veins as well. But first we must make our world a better place to live.

CUT TO:

EXT - GAS STATION - MORNING

Outside of exterior bathroom Sensitivefish walks out of the Men's Room door groggily rubbing the sleep from his eyes with a toiletries bag in hand. He walks around the corner of the building to the waiting van. Sensitivefish opens the back of the van to reveal Farmerjohn4 mooning him.

SENSITIVEFISH (V.O.)

Until we can overcome the obstacles that separate us from society, until we can convince those around us that we are all on the same side, until we can show them that there are more important struggles to tackle then we can not have the freedom to devote ourselves to the common plights of humanity.

CUT TO:

INT - VAN - AFTERNOON

Director47 tiredly rubs the road weariness from his eyes.

SENSITIVEFISH (V.O.)

But this may very well be a new beginning.

CUT TO:

INT - VAN - LATE AFTERNOON

Farmerjohn4 and Sensitivefish sing aloud Somebody to Love by Queen though their singing cannot be heard from the silence of the montage. Director47 becomes increasingly annoyed by their singing until he finally shouts at them for quiet.

SENSITIVEFISH (V.O.)

For the first time we gather to celebrate our humanity. We will revel in the hope that this may very well be the beginning of acceptance for us. There are many of us out there, many who hide in the shadows doing only what comes naturally to us and brings no harm to any living soul.

CUT TO:

INT - VAN - EARLY EVENING

Director47 and Sensitivefish sit in the cargo area playing poker. Occasionally the lean away from one another to attempt to toss pieces of popcorn in the others mouth from as much distance as they can muster in the confined space.

SENSITIVEFISH (V.O.)

My companions and I journey to a veritable utopia where no prejudice hides and no hate can be had for another. We travel to a microcosm of what this world should be with the hope that it will open our eyes even further to our true purpose in life.

CUT TO:

EXT - VAN - LATE EVENING

Three main characters pull up to a stop by the curb of a sidewalk. They all eagerly look out of the window in the same direction.

SENSITIVEFISH (V.O.)

One day this world will be a better place. But as they say, change starts in your own back yard.

Three main characters step out of the van.

A crack house hotel operates across the street. Prostitutes are seen leading Johns to their hourly rate rooms, vagrants drink/pass around brown bagged bottles to one another to drink from while they beg for change, rusted cars without tires rest on concrete blocks in the parking lot, young hoodlums congregate around a low rider, etc. A sign in front of the hotel reads 'An mal Cracke' with the 'e' clinging to the sign by a thread.

Three main characters stare at the off screen abomination with heartbreak and disappointment. Eventually, Farmerjohn4 snaps back into his optimism.

FARMERJOHN4

Alright! Let's do this!

The End
Mistaken Identitties

Fade in from black to title; "Mistaken Identitties".

INT. HOTEL ROOM

A man, JOHN, sits at a table with an opened newspaper.

After much internal debate John picks up the hotel telephone and dials a number from the paper.

JOHN

I'd like to order... I'd like an escort to...

JOHN (CONT'D)

Yes...

JOHN (CONT'D)

Yeah...

JOHN (CONT'D)

Affordable Inn at...

JOHN (CONT'D)

Yeah, exactly...

JOHN (CONT'D)

Thanks.

An hour has passed. John nervously waits for his guest to arrive.

A knock at the door is heard.

John opens the door to a disgusting mess of a woman. PATTY stands in the doorway with comical confidence twirling a boa. She looks like a crack whore.

PATTY

Well look it you there sexy britches.

Patty clears her sinuses and spits.

PATTY (CONT'D)

Ain't cha gonna invite a girl in?

Without waiting for an answer Patty enters walking with a severe limp. She walks past a disgusted John.

JOHN

What's ummmm... what's wrong with you?

PATTY

Nothin'. Broke a heel last week.

Patty takes in the room.

JOHN (O.S.)

You ah... you don't look like the girl in the ad.

PATTY

Can I smoke in here?

John sits down on the bed regretful of calling an escort service.

JOHN

Umm... sure?

PATTY

You holdin'?

JOHN

Holding what?

PATTY

Rock! The crack? You got any?

JOHN

Oh god.

PATTY

I shouldn't be smokin' anyway, me being pregnant and all.

Patty leans against the dresser.

Patty sloppily licks her lips in a seductive manner that epically falls short of its intention.

JOHN

Look, there's been some kind of...

Patty begins opening her legs.

John cringes and flinches away horrified.

JOHN (CONT'D)

Ugh... that smell!

PATTY

What'sa matter, you 'fraid ah pussy or somethin'?

JOHN

OK, this... I've never done this before... called an escort...

Patty stands up from the dresser.

PATTY

You hold that though studly. Imma gonna freshen up a bit.

Patty severely limps off to bathroom pausing before the door to slap her ass at John.

PATTY (CONT'D)

Imma fuck you inta the next life, son.

Patty enters the bathroom closing the door behind her.

John sits on the bed with his face in his hands.

JOHN

Stupid stupid stupid...

Bathroom door opens to reveal a gorgeous and nude WOMAN, the girl John thought he was ordering. She smiles lasciviously.

WOMAN

Well?

Sex scene ensues.

John lies in bed snoozing soundly.

John awakens with a content smile.

John rolls over to see the grotesquerie of Patty lying in bed next to him. He is terrified.

PATTY

You ready for round two biggun'?

Fade to black.

JOHN (V.O.)

Oh god no... NO!
The Healing Penis

Fade in from black to title; "The Healing Penis".

INT. BEDROOM

A sickly woman, MARGARET, lies in bed being comforted by her concerned husband, MARTIN.

MARTIN

Margaret, I know you said you didn't want to see any more doctors and that you were sick of hospitals. But I've found someone... someone who may be able to help you get better.

Martin rises and walks to the door.

HEALER, a man with a thick accent and a white suit, enters.

Martin ushers Healer to his wife's sick bed.

MARTIN (CONT'D)

Honey this is...

HEALER

I, my dear, am he who will rid you of your infirmary. Through the power of my healing penis you rise again and feel like a new woman.

MARGARET

Martin who is...

MARTIN

I don't like this any more than you do honey, but if he can make you better then I'm willing to try anything.

Healer takes Margaret's hand and caresses it soothingly.

HEALER

My dear, I will take away all the pain with my love making.

Healer looks up at Martin.

HEALER (CONT'D)

You may watch if you like, husband. Watch me in my medicinal love making to your wife.

MARTIN

No. No... I'll be outside if you need anything.

Martin exits the room.

Healer removes his coat as Margaret looks on nervously.

Healer removes his shirt and then his pants.

Healer climbs atop Margaret straddling her.

HEALER

Rise up my dear! Rise up to my healing penis!

Healer takes the weak Margaret by the wrists and pulls her into a seated position so his penis is directly in front of her face.

HEALER (O.C.)(CONT'D)

It wants to heal you! Do you not want to be healed?!

Healer continues to hold her wrists as Margaret apprehensively takes Healer's penis into her mouth.

HEALER (O.C.)(CONT'D)

Yes suck it! Suck the medicine from the lolly little girl!

As Margaret continues sucking his penis without aid of her hands she begins to enjoy it more and more until she is finally sucking it feverishly allowing it to penetrate deeply into her throat.

HEALER (O.C.)(CONT'D)

Good, yes! Allow it to pierce your throat! Allow it's elixirs to spray into your stomach!

Healer repeatedly thrusts into Margaret's mouth deep throating her.

Healer finally releases her wrists allowing Margaret to stroke him while fellating.

HEALER (O.C.)(CONT'D)

Ah yes! Take the medicine you sick little bitch! Ha ha!

The bed has been stripped of it's sheets. Healer is about to penetrate the still weak, rag doll-like Margaret in a missionary position.

HEALER (CONT'D)

We first give your medicine to the stomach from above, and now I fuck it into your stomach from below.

Healer penetrates Margaret and works to a steady rhythm.

HEALER (CONT'D)

You take your medicine like a champ you do.

Healer continues missionary penetration.

INT. OUTSIDE BEDROOM DOOR

Martin appears worried and stressful as audible moaning can be heard from within.

INT. BEDROOM

Healer continues missionary penetration.

HEALER

Can you feel it working dear? Can you feel it deeply inside you?

MARGARET

I can. I can feel it in my fucking stomach.

HEALER

Et's good!

Healer continues missionary penetration.

Healer has flipped Margaret over to her hands and knees penetrating her doggy style. She is stronger now and bucks hard against his cock.

HEALER (O.C.)(CONT'D)

Your strength returns deary girl! You are fucking me like a mad man!

Healer continues to penetrate doggy style.

Healer speaks in singsong.

HEALER (O.C.) (CONT'D)

Fuck your pussy til its sore Then I must fuck it some more

Healer continues to penetrate doggy style.

INT. OUTSIDE BEDROOM DOOR

Martin has his ear pressed to the door lasciviously listening to audible moaning from within. As he does so Martin has his hand down his pants masturbating.

Fade out to black.

HEALER (V.O.)

Are you ready my dear? Ready for what comes next?

MARGARET (V.O.)

Fuck yeah.

INT. BEDROOM

Fade in from black.

Healer lies on his back with Margaret, in a reverse cowgirl, lowering herself onto his penis so he penetrates her anally.

HEALER (O.C.)

You are strong now Margaret. Strong like my healing penis is hard.

Margaret buries the medicinal cock to the hilt.

HEALER (O.C.)(CONT'D)

Strong enough to take my remedy and like it!

Margaret rides Healer.

HEALER (O.C.) (CONT'D)

Good! Good! In your asshole is where the healing must be!

INT. OUTSIDE BEDROOM DOOR

Martin, while weeping, pulls out a towel from within the front of his pants. He has just wiped himself off from ejaculating as the audible moaning from within continues.

INT. BEDROOM

Margaret continues to ride Healer.

HEALER (O.C.)

Ahhh! Your poop chute astounds me!

Margaret continues to ride Healer. She rubs her clitoris until she orgasms.

Healer stands over Margaret, on her knees, as he works himself up to ejaculate on her face.

HEALER (O.C.) (CONT'D)

One last gift I have for you dear. One last gift should you want it.

MARGARET

Please cum for me.

HEALER (O.C.)

This will be a salve for you. A lotion to keep your sickness away. A spurt of life I return to you with my healing penis.

Healer continues working himself up until finally ejaculating on Margaret's face.

INT. OUTSIDE BEDROOM DOOR

Healer exits the bedroom fully dressed to find an anxious Martin awaiting any news.

MARTIN

Is it done? Have you healed her?

HEALER

I have healed her, husband of Margaret. My healing penis knows no bounds and can cure any ailment.

Martin breathes a sign of relief at the news.

Healer turns to walk away. After a step Healer pauses, then turns again to Martin placing a hand on Martin's shoulder.

HEALER (CONT'D)

Except of course for the herpes I have just given her. Those will never go away I'm afraid.

Martin is crestfallen as Healer turns to leave once again.

Fade to black.
The Sperminator

Up from black to title; "THE SPERMINATOR".

INT. BEDROOM

A beautiful woman, SARA, sits on the edge of a bed coming to terms with a mass amount of unbelievable information she has just been given. She repeats the info aloud to an off screen, standing actor.

SARA

Just so I have this straight in my head.

In the future, years from now, a war takes place between robots and humans. Robots can think for themselves and for some inexplicable reason they've decided to exterminate the human population.

My son who isn't even born yet, will lead an army of resistors who seek to overthrow the synthetic mastermind that controls the robots and wields them in the battle against humanity.

And besides all this, the secrets of time travel have been unlocked and all known laws of time/space, and probably all laws of physics for that matter, have been defied to send you back through time to find me.

Standing before Sara is a Schwarzenegger-esque man, TERM. He towers over her completely nude and fully erect.

TERM

Come for me if you want to live.

Sex scene ensues.
Comic Scripts
Introduction to Comic Scripts

Ah comics, a true passion.

I began reading comic books at the age of ten when my friend Will got me interested in the X-books by Marvel. By twelve I was crudely illustrating my own six-panel, single-page comic strips; Link Stickman had parents of inspiration by way of Stewart Smalley from SNL and Stick Figure Theatre from Liquid Television. Link would start out each comic by being excessively milquetoast and pleasantly accommodating until someone or something inevitably infuriated him at which time he would brandish weapons (mostly pistols but occasionally far larger weaponry) and go on a shooting spree until he over-killed whomever/whatever had caused him offense. Basically the sort of stuff that would have had me thrown out of school and institutionalized according to today's martial law security standards of public education.

The bulk of the Link Stickman comics were written/illustrated in Mr. Cox's 8th grade science class to be passed around my friends to break the boredom of 8th grade science class. None survive to this day as most of, if not all of, the comics were immediately trashed as they weren't meant to be grand ventures of creativity; they were merely a way to entertain my friends and actually ended up doing me a lot of good in terms of getting the language of comic books down.

If I have it my way I'd write comic books until the day I die.

My first venture into scripting, because I draw terrible stick figures, was Insomniac Vampire. While six issues worth of scripts exist, I have included only three as, let's face it, reading a comic book script is about as interesting as trying to sit down on a wall.

I.V. is a vampire with insomnia, so he basically lies around in his coffin all day without being able to sleep as he waits for the sun to go down. This led to him becoming/remaining a somber, introverted fellow not unlike myself.

Featured in this edition is the first story arc from I.V. We get a nice little intro to the character in the first issue as well as a good taste of the humor of the book, it was a funny book after all. *Note to people in general, don't ever call a comic book a funny book to people who take comic books very seriously, unless you want to piss them off then go right ahead and do so* Issues two and three had I.V. kidnapped by a cult living in the city's sewer system, which was a not-so-veiled satire on dark, deconstructionist superhero comics; in this case I used the Teenaged Mutant Ninja Turtles as a target of my grim-and-grittying up.

I was fond of Insomniac Vampire (and still am) and writing the book taught me a great deal about the art of comic scripting. And if you've ever read a comic script before you'll notice my amateur mistake of piling too many panels onto a page. Lessons learned.

Its hard to stay optimistic while being an unpublished author in the world of comics. First, you have yourself working against you already; that voice in the back of your head that is brilliant at devising diversions to keep you away from your writing. And if you're like me, you can't draw and it is far more difficult to get someone to read a script than it is to get them to look at a picture you've drawn. Heap on top of that the general uphill climb that even excessively talented people face when trying to make their way into comics. So yeah, kinda tough to stay optimistic. Also tough to just come up with what to write when you're doing it on spec.

This was the situation I was in when I decided to write a Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead take on the television series The X Files.  I would write the comic as an anthology series that operated under the working title of Xtras. An issue per season for at least the first four issues (comics tend to be released in a mini-series format of 4-6 issues) with hopes that it would sell enough to warrant the continuation through all nine seasons of The X Files.

A friend had loaned me his complete series dvd set of The X Files of which I would watch 3-5 episodes a night for months in an attempt to watch the series from start to finish. Somewhere along the way I got bored with it (c'mon, its great but at 20+ episodes a season and nine seasons it can all be a bit much) and my mind began to wander. Like many fans of the series, I always liked seeing the extras that the creative team would give a few great lines of dialogue to and how effectively these extras would upstage anyone else in the scene, often times with only a single line of dialogue. It didn't take a genius to put the idea together and it gave me something to write.

Herein are all the scripts I wrote listed by episode in which the characters appear. Of course there are no Mulder and Scully appearances (kinda defeats the purpose if Hamlet rears his princely noggin too much) and nothing written concerning the overall government conspiracy storyline of the television series. I didn't even want Cancer Man or Skinner to make cameos and therefore they never would have.

Essentially the only reason I stopped writing was the fact that The X Files is a property that I do not own. One of the more accessible ways to get comic scripts published is the self publishing route, and self publishers steer clear from any unoriginal characters whatsoever due to copyrights. Because of this the only people I could sell any scripts to would be the owners of the copyright. So I wrote several stories in order to send them to anyone they would pertain to but barring that I felt my time was better spent writing something else until which point it becomes productive for me to return to Xtras.

Which brings me to Filth. Filth is a novel by the excellent Irvine Welsh and one of my all time favorite books. Its just so great. After Insomniac Vampire and before Xtras I was looking for something to write. I determined it would be good practice to adapt a novel into comic book form since 1) it would give me practice writing comics and 2) its good writing practice in general to distill a 400+ page novel into five, 22-page issues of comic book. So I did. Just for the hell of it.

About halfway through the conversion process I decided to contact Random House UK (Filth's publisher) to inquire as to what company held the rights to publishing a comic book based on Mr. Welsh's novel. Within a few emails I was corresponding with Irvine Welsh's publisher. The publisher took an immediate interest but said I needed artwork. So I took to craigslist.org and found the exceptionally talented Tim Larson who showed a great deal of interest as well, in illustrating the book. He began drawing, I kept writing.

Long story short, after much back and forth in email land the project fell through. And honestly it really isn't anyone's fault, that's just the way these things work. Tim needed adequate pay to illustrate (and frankly I thought his page rate was a bit low to start with, given the level of work he was producing) but RH UK, like all book publishers, do not give out enough funds in way of an advance to cover the page rate required for good artwork in a comic. Its just industry standard stuff; no book publisher will pay out those kinds of rates to take a chance on a medium (comics) that they barely even dabble in. It is my hope that with the advent of digital comics (hence no physical publishing costs) this is a concept that will change in the future.

Having said all that, I have no complaints against anyone involved with any aspect of Filth the comic book not coming to fruition. Tim is an amazing artist and if I asked him for two pages he drew four. Random House UK? They were nothing but great to me. Being an American I'm used to having to sacrifice a black lamb (born under a sabbath moon) to Satan just to get even an email address for a publisher based in the U.S. With a few emails to the UK I was speaking with the people I needed to be speaking with and everyone I was in contact with had a great approach to what they were doing.

Am I sad it was never published? You could bet your sweet ass on it. Will it ever get published? Unless RH UK changes their minds or a massive Kickstarter goal was achieved it won't happen. If anything just getting a chance to see some of the completed pages gives me a sense of inspiration each and every time I look at them. And that alone feels pretty great.

Which, of course, leads us to Tim's pages for the Filth comic that hasn't been... thus far.
Insomniac Vampire issue one

Page 1:

Panel 1:

Panel 1 is a brief part of a rap video. Two white guys are rapping at the camera. They should be 'thugged' out but also profoundly white. The rap duo are known as the 'Gay Gangstas' so if you want to color coordinate them or have them otherwise matching you should. I also think a heart-shaped microphone head would be a nice touch.

Rapper 1:

We tha Gay Gangstas!

Rapper 2:

Thas rye! Thas rye!

Rapper 1:

We be butt Gangbangstas!

Rapper 2:

Thas rye! Thas rye!

Panel 2:

A VJ's voice is in a text box at the top. He's announcing the song details while the video is still playing. Within the video Rapper 2 is walking down a city street while Rapper 1 is hanging out of a passing car's window rapping at Rapper 2.

VJ (text box):

That's the new single from the Gay Gangstas kids! It's from their new album 'Kickin' tha Burbs in da Butt Wit Ma Roosta'! *Yahhh*

Rapper 1:

Yo that tha trick you be turnin'?!

Rapper 2:

Thas rye! Thas rye!

Panel 3:

Static signifying a change in channels.

Panel 4:

A random guy is shooting two pistols at once at an off panel target while shouting. Typical action movie looking stuff.

Guy with Pistols:

AHHHHHH!!!

Panel 5:

Static signifying a change in channels.

Panel 6:

We have arrived at a game show called 'Cleave the Beaver' which is exactly what it sounds like. We'll be watching this show through page 2 so this'll be the last show we watch.

The game's host is shouting into a microphone for the audience's sake while standing next to the contestant, a young boy aged around 7 or 8. The host is holding a meat cleaver in one hand and a microphone in the other. The boy should maybe be wearing one of those propeller beanies and a red/white/teal striped shirt. Dress him like a kid from the 50's. Striped t-shirt, beanie and shorts. Ankle high shoes with white socks. Dress the host in a cheesy suit with a bow tie.

Host:

What's it time for?!

Audience:

Cleave the Beaver!!

Panel 7:

Close up shot of the host talking to the contestant, Ty Adams. Host has his arm around Ty's small shoulder while letting the meat cleaver in his hand drape down Ty's chest.

Host:

Now little Ty Adams. The audience wants the blood of these cute little critters. Are you ready to give them what they want?

Panel 8:

Close up shot of Ty's head. The host's microphone is in front of Ty and stems from an off panel arm from the left. The audience can be heard in the background chanting.

Audience (off panel):

Cleave them! Cleave them! Cleave them!

Ty:

But... but they're so cute and furry. Do I have to? Isn't it wrong?

Panel 9:

Close up of host talking into the microphone. Show as much body as you can while still fitting in the word balloon.

Host:

Little Tyler asks; "Is it wrong" to run our set red with the blood of an innocent animal? Let's ask the parents.

Page 2:

Panel 1:

Close up shot of Ty's dad's head. The host's microphone is in front of Ty's dad and stems from an off panel arm from the right. The father has a stoic look on his face.

Host (off panel):

Dad?

Father:

We need the money son. Do you know how many hookers daddy can party with if you win?

Father:

Lots.

Panel 2:

Same as previous panel only now it's Ty's mom. The mother is bursting with the nervous energy obtained from years of abusing over the counter diet pills. She has a perpetual, over exaggerated grin and is visibly shaking in place.

Host (off panel):

Mom?

Mother:

I'm on TV! Oh my GOD I'm on TV! AHHHHHH!

Panel 3:

Same as previous two panels except now its Ty's sister. Since she's shorter and younger than the parents the host's microphone is still coming from the right but he is holding it down so she can speak into it.

Host (off panel):

Little Sis? Should your brother hack into these cute critters?

Sister:

I'm so jealous of you right now.

Panel 4:

The host has now returned to Ty's side. He's standing on the left of Ty and off to the right a stage hand can be seen pulling a cage into our view.

Host:

What do you say we bring the little guy out here for Ty to see?

Panel 5:

Close up shot of a very cute little beaver. He sits on the stage in a very well-behaved manner. Big, wet eyes and his mouth should be small and meek. Make him as cute as you possibly can. Only the beaver is in the panel so make him large enough for small facial details.

Host (off panel):

This is Oscar. Oscar is a father of three. We plucked him from the river just one week ago and look at him - he's already a star!

Panel 6:

Same as Panel 3 except it's Ty in the panel and the microphone stems from the left side of the panel. Ty is looking down at the beaver.

Host (off panel):

What'll it be Ty? Winning cash and prizes on national television while being the envy of every kid on your block? Or are you too chicken to 'Cleave the Beaver'?

Panel 7:

Same as previous panel.

Ty:

Well I would hate to let everyone down.

Panel 8:

Same as previous panel only now Ty has a meat cleaver held in the air preparing to strike down the beaver.

Panel 9:

Static. In the bottom right corner a text box appears.

Text Box:

Television.

Page 3:

Panel 1:

A side view of I.V. lying in his coffin with a small, portable TV in his lap. I would draw it like one of those portable DVD players that basically look like a small laptop. He's wearing a t-shirt and jeans foregoing sleepwear since he wasn't planning on getting any sleep anyway.

I.V. (text box):

Why do I watch this drivel? I guess it's better than 4am veggie slicer infomercials but still. TV is TV.

Panel 2:

Over head shot of I.V. in his coffin rubbing his eyes.

I.V. (text box):

Be it day time soap, prime time police procedural or late night court/hospital drama reruns it's always the same.

Panel 3:

Same view as Panel 1 but now I.V. is closing the TV.

I.V. (text box):

My neck is killing me. Being crammed in this coffin and trying to hold my head up high enough to watch the telly is what's keeping me awake.

Panel 4:

Same as Panel 2 except I.V.'s hands are in his lap.

I.V. (text box):

That's a lie. The only thing keeping me up through the day is this damned insomnia.

Panel 5:

Outside, side view of I.V.'s coffin. He is opening the lid and his arm can be seen pushing the lid up but his body is still inside.

I.V. (text box):

At least the sun's finally gone down. No matter how closed up I am I can feel the danger retreating and almost hear the moon inviting me out into the night.

Panel 6:

Same as previous panel only now I.V. is sitting up in the coffin and stretching.

I.V. (text box):

Alarm clocks help too.

Panel 7:

Same as previous panel only now I.V. has stood up and is stepping out of the coffin.

I.V. (text box):

I'm curious if other vampires share my instincts. Is it my age that warns me of impending danger or can everyone feel it?

Panel 8:

I.V. is walking away from his coffin to the bathroom.

I.V. (text box):

Maybe even normal people can sense these things and being a vampire only heightens those senses. But how do you find out something like that?

Panel 9:

I.V. is in the bathroom peeing. We should, of course, see him from the back.

I.V. (text box):

Charley told me about that teacher at the university and his class for vampires. It was called something like; "Living Through Your First 50 Years".

Page 4:

Panel 1:

We see I.V. from a side view. He's opened up the refrigerator and he's looking inside.

I.V. (text box):

It sounded a little foolish to me at first but I suppose tolerance has come a long way over the years.

Panel 2:

I.V. is pulling out a chair at his dinner table so he can sit down. On the table is a typical blood bank blood pack with a straw sticking out of the top like a juice pack.

I.V. (text box):

I say tolerance but I mean apathy. A kid could be lying in the bed his parents are having sex on and he'd just send out a text about it.

Panel 3:

I.V. has sat down at the table and is sipping his blood pack.

I.V. (text box):

But maybe there's something to this teacher. I mean, surely someone knows what he's doing and has looked the other way so he could do it.

Panel 4:

I.V. has risen from the table and is tossing away his empty, crumpled blood pack into a nearby garbage can.

I.V. (text box):

Maybe I should go check it out. It isn't like I have a lot to do tonight. And it would be nice to be around people with a shared interest.

Panel 5:

I.V. is washing his hands in the kitchen sink.

I.V. (text box):

What's the worst that could happen? I meet a few Goth kids who've realized vampirism isn't what they thought it would be?

Panel 6:

Still in front of the sink I.V. is blowing his nose.

I.V. (text box):

Now those vampires who've eaten rabbits in the woods for the last hundred years and wear deerskin clothes with a bird in their pocket for later? Yikes.

Panel 7:

The next three panels are an exercise in depth. We start out with I.V. pulling a jacket off his coat rack. The coat rack is on the left side of the panel with a small, background table on the right side of the panel and in the distance the front door is facing us centered. He'll basically be walking towards the front door.

I.V. (text box):

I don't even want to know about the poor woodland creatures those guys use to placate their sexual aggressions.

Panel 8:

We're closer to the door now. Same sized central character as the previous panel but now the coat hanger's out of sight and the small table is in the foreground. The centered door in the background is now larger. I.V. is reaching into a bowl on the small table to get his keys.

I.V. (text box):

But I guess everyone has needs; even crazy, loner vampires. If anything my sex drive is 10 times higher than what it was when I was normal.

Panel 9:

Same deal as the previous two panels only now we see his back and he's opening the door in the foreground.

I.V. (text box):

That's a lie. I'm lying to myself again.

I.V. (text box):

All right. Here goes nothing.

Page 5 & 6:

Panel 1:

This is the title panel. It's a big picture of I.V. walking into a college classroom. It's a university so he enters a door on the ground level of the classroom and he's looking up at the other students who are sitting in random placement amongst the desks. The room is theatre style with a staircase on the side and many levels where the desks are situated.

The classroom isn't full and most of the vampires there are not sitting next to one another. Two of them, a young man and a girl, are sitting next to each other. They're a couple and are clinging to each other a bit nervous at their surroundings. There should also be an elderly vampire at one of the desks. See Panels 7, 8 and 9 of this page and Panel 5 of Page 7 for all necessary vampires for this panel. But please include the elderly vampire as well. For the rest of them it's up to you what they look like but most of them should look like they're in their 20s. I.V. is in the foreground with his back to us to show he's looking over the classroom as we are.

Issue title (large letters):

Classroom of the Damned

Panel 2:

I.V. is walking up the staircase to find a desk.

Panel 3:

I.V. has found a desk and is sitting down at it.

Panel 4:

The rest of the page will have no dialogue but each panel will have a text box to show his thoughts. I.V. is sitting at his desk facing us.

I.V. (text box):

There's a lot more people here than I expected.

Panel 5:

Same as previous panel but I.V. is looking to the left.

I.V. (text box):

This may just be the biggest gathering of vampires I've seen since the seventeenth century.

Panel 6:

Same as previous panel but now I.V. is looking to the right.

I.V. (text box):

But they're all so young; hardly any of them are over 100.

Panel 7:

We see another vampire sitting at his desk facing us. He's holding on to himself with his arms folded and a frightened look on his face.

I.V. (text box):

They're all so razzled. Probably still feel like their bodies aren't their own any longer. Like their flesh has turned against them.

Panel 8:

Same as previous panel except its now a vampire who is extremely tense. He grips the sides of his desk until his knuckles are white and the desk has started to crack under his grasp. His face portrays his disposition; grinding teeth, bulging forehead veins, etc.

I.V. (text box):

Nervousness permeates them. Half of them think their classmates are about to turn on them...

Panel 9:

Same as previous panel except now it's a vampire with an upturned pencil in each hand ready to defend himself. He's giving sideways glances at everyone in the room through squinted eyes.

I.V. (text box):

... while the other half thinks this is some elaborate trap set by the humans.

Page 7:

Panel 1:

I.V. is sitting at his desk.

I.V. (text box):

I don't remember ever feeling like these people do when I first became a vampire.

Panel 2:

Same as previous panel but now I.V. is resting his chin on his hand with his elbow on the desk.

I.V. (text box):

Never felt like my body was possessed by some evil spirit or that humans were in league against vampires.

Panel 3:

Same as previous panel but now I.V. is looking around in boredom with his chin still resting on his hand.

I.V. (text box):

The only thing I felt was alienated because I was up all hours of the night while everyone I knew was asleep.

Panel 4:

Same as previous panel. Now I.V. has sat straight up again.

I.V. (text box):

But it was a different time then. I never even heard the word 'vampire' until the end of the Dark Ages or so.

Panel 5:

This is sort of a collage panel where three sets of classmates are shown. Each has thought balloons and though they're not sitting next to one another in reality they are all next to one another in the panel.

The first set is the pair of lover vampires from the splash panel. Second is the tense vampire from panel 8 of the previous page. Third is a mopey vampire which should have been in the splash panel.

I.V. (text box):

These poor kids though have been raised on evil, spawn of hell vampires who suffer eternally never finding solace throughout the countless, solitary millennia.

Lovers (shared thought balloon):

We only have each other forever.

Tense Guy (thought balloon):

They're coming for me!

Mopey (thought balloon):

Am I to wander eternity alone?

Panel 6:

This panel has a similar setup to the last but this is from I.V.'s imagination. He's picturing various idealisms about vampires and this will be a collage panel pretty much just like the last only longer. Each has a descriptive text box above them and a few have characters talking.

The first is a gothic castle with the typical lightning strike in the sky around and behind it. The second is a pair of Victorian era vampires, in period dress, at a ball greeting one another. The third is a neo dance club set up.

In the bottom right corner there will be a word balloon from someone speaking from off panel.

Gothic Castle (text box):

They think vampires are nothing but gothic castles...

Victorian Ball (text box):

Victorian, underground balls...

Victorian 1:

Good day to you sir.

Victorian 2:

Mmm good day to you.

Dance Club (text box):

or neo-techno vampire cults.

Dancers:

Dance Party!!

Noes (Off panel):

Class?

Page 8:

Panel 1:

The teacher, Professor Noes, is standing next to his desk. This should be a full body, introductory shot. He wears a good-natured smile on his face and the typical plaid coat with elbow patches. He looks to be a little young for a professor, early 30s.

Noes:

Welcome to 'Living Through Your First 50 Years'. I am Professor Noes and I will be your instructor.

Panel 2:

Noes is speaking with the class. He has one arm raised to illustrate his words. We face him so you won't have to add background students.

Noes:

As you all already know we will be dealing with vampires as fact since we all are, in fact, vampires.

Panel 3:

Same facing shot as previous panel only now Noes is reaching into his desk. We're looking at the front of the desk so Noes is reaching behind it to pull things out of a drawer.

Noes:

I would like to start by thanking the open-minded individuals at this institution for allowing us the tolerance and space for this class.

Panel 4:

Same as previous panel only now a few books have been laid out on the desk's top.

Noes:

Without them none of this would be possible. Now, I am assuming none of you have been vampires very long since you are here tonight.

Panel 5:

Noes has produced a dry erase marker from his pocket and has made his way to a dry erase board which is to our right of his desk. We are still facing the professor.

Noes:

Those of you who have attended this class before know that I aim to help educate new vampires through this often difficult transitional period.

Panel 6:

Noes is drawing a picture of a vampire's body on the dry erase board. It looks like a normal person except for the fangs protruding from its mouth. Same view as previous panel but now we see Noes' back since we're facing the board.

Noes:

Ok, a quick assessment of our new students. Can anyone explain to me why you are all feeling a mild irritation on your skin in this classroom?

Panel 7:

We see a student eagerly raising his hand. You should pay special attention to this student since he, Edward, will be the teacher's pet and will be featured in several future panels. Although he isn't featured in the panel, Noes, without having to turn around, knows that Edward is raising his hand.

Noes (off panel):

And please someone who hasn't been to the class before Edward.

Panel 8:

Noes has paused from drawing on the board and has turned towards his students though his marker hand is still near the picture he is drawing.

Noes:

No one?

Page 9:

Panel 1:

Noes is setting his marker down on his desk.

Noes:

The lights irritate your skin because they are fluorescents which use U.V. rays to illuminate a room.

Panel 2:

We are facing Noes as he continues speaking to the class.

Noes:

The sun also uses U.V. rays to light the earth and as we all know the sun burns our flesh.

Panel 3:

We are facing I.V. as he listens to Noes speak. This panel carries us into a brief flashback of I.V.'s discovery of the dangers of sunlight to a vampire.

Noes (off panel):

So whenever you walk into a lit room and feel the hairs on your arms stand up that is your body...

Panel 4:

I.V. is in Roman period dress. He became a vampire at the end of the western Roman empire (around 450 AD) but you can put him in something as simple as a toga. I.V. is sitting down and leaning against a tree in the woods thinking to himself.

I.V. (thought balloon):

I am so stuffed. Man, I can't even move.

Panel 5:

Close up, side shot of I.V. continuing his train of thought.

I.V. (thought balloon):

I know I should be burying myself before the sun comes up but I feel so damn lazy right now.

Panel 6:

We face I.V. in a close up view of his continued train of thought but now he is stretching his arms with his face scrunched up. Maybe put a squirrel in the tree over his head.

I.V. (thought balloon):

To hell with it. What's it matter if I'm in the sun or not. I'm sick of coffins, crypts and dirt.

Panel 7:

Same as previous panel. I.V. has put his hands behind his head and has closed his eyes in relaxation.

I.V. (thought balloon) (the dialogue should trail off and become smaller and smaller to signify his dozing off):

I'm just going to take a quick little nap and then I'll...

Panel 8:

Close up view of a blazing, hot sun which takes up the entire panel.

Panel 9:

I.V. is running through the woods. He is on fire. Include the tree he was leaning on in the left of the panel to show that he's just bolted up and started running after suddenly bursting into flames. He runs to the right of the panel.

I.V.:

Goddamn I'm on fire! Holy hell! I'm on fire!

Page 10:

Panel 1:

We are facing I.V. at his desk as he wakes up startled.

Noes (off panel):

... ellent question Edward. How do the fangs retreat and extend when we are about to feed?

Panel 2:

Noes has a pointer, stick not laser, and is pointing to the fangs of the diagram of a vampire he drew on the dry erase board. The diagram shows up in background a lot so make it something you can draw frequently. Just make it look like some kind of scientific illustration like something out of a Grey's Anatomy book.

Noes:

After infection we development a set of two extra teeth along with muscles to control their movement.

Panel 3:

Noes is speaking to the class but no longer points to the diagram.

Noes:

These muscles are extensions of facial muscles and act much like the salivary glands. When we smell, see or even think of food the fangs are lowered to facilitate feeding.

Panel 4:

Noes is still speaking to the class.

Noes:

One can only assume the retraction of the fangs is a left-over preservation tactic our bodies learned in our initial evolution.

Panel 5:

Noes is pulling out the chair behind his desk so he can have a seat.

Noes:

Early man differed little from modern man in their capacity for understanding subtle differences amongst neighboring species such as our own.

Panel 6:

Noes is sitting behind his desk.

Noes:

Just as biblical lepers and menstruating women were separated from society vampires faced persecution at the hands of fanaticism.

Panel 7:

We see I.V. as he is sitting and listening.

Noes (off panel):

Women however could eventually return to their homes and lepers were allowed to live segregate but vampires, upon discovery, would be killed.

Panel 8:

Back to seeing Noes talking.

Noes:

One may allow a harmless spider to live in their home but discovery of a poisonous spider calls for immediate termination.

Panel 9:

Same as previous.

Noes:

While we could blame humanity for intolerance we must remember that we prey upon humans for sustenance. But that is our nature...

Page 11:

Panel 1:

We face Noes as he is rising from his desk.

Noes:

... and theirs is to fear and kill what they do not know or understand. When humanity was young so was their capacity for reason.

Panel 2:

Noes has risen from his desk and is pacing between the desk and the dry erase board.

Noes:

Early man created myths to help comprehend the world around them. Without myths mankind would never have survived as long as they have.

Panel 3:

We see I.V. listening to Noes.

Noes (off panel):

But what science will not take account of because they cannot replicate it in a lab is the power of two things: will and belief.

Panel 4:

Noes leaning on his desk as he speaks.

Noes:

All living creatures have the ability through belief, will power and imagination to influence their surroundings how they see fit.

Panel 5:

Noes is now sitting on his desk.

Noes:

Everything around us is made up of energy including our bodies and our minds. Many do not realize we all have the power to alter this energy.

Panel 6:

Same as previous panel.

Noes:

Primitive man with their newly developed primitive consciousness unknowingly paved the way of the mental landscape for millennia to come.

Panel 7:

Same as previous. Just change up gesturing to make a little different at least.

Noes:

Just as an infant spends its first years developing its mind so too did early man spend generations developing its awareness.

Panel 8:

Noes has gotten up again and is walking about. He walks past the dry erase board to a projector screen which has not been opened. One of those that reel from the bottom of a stand up a metal post and hooks to the top. Noes is reaching down to the bottom about to open the screen.

Noes:

Still we carry this development. Residual effects are maintained in the mind just as any occurrence can remain in the place in which it occurred.

Panel 9:

Noes has opened the screen and is hooking it to the top to hold it in place.

Noes:

I have a quick video which may help shed light on some of these concepts. After the video we will continue the discussion.

Page 12:

Panel 1:

We face the narrator as he introduces the video for us. He looks like he hails from the 50s or 60s and is wearing a light grey suit. He is a clean cut, almost too good-natured of a fellow. His coat is buttoned and looks confining.

The video itself is old and should look slightly aged and scratchy.

Narrator:

Hello there vampires. Today I'd like to discuss with you how early man's mentality was constructed and how this affects you.

Panel 2:

Same as previous panel.

Narrator:

You may have asked yourself from time to time, "What are superstitions" or "Why can't I stand the sight of a crucifix"?

Panel 3:

Same as previous panel except now Narrator has maybe casually placed his hands in his pants pockets.

Narrator:

To answer these and many other questions let's take a few steps back and see how people's minds developed and why we think the way we do.

Panel 4:

We see a caveman facing us. He should have the typical shaggy, long hair and beard with a spotted fur toga. He looks like he is dumb and has his mouth agape.

Narrator (text box):

Early man was not a very bright creature by today's standards but he did have a few features that set him apart.

Cave Man:

Bahh.

Panel 5:

Same as previous panel only now the Cave Man has his hand up and is admiring his own thumb. He looks overjoyed to have one.

Narrator (text box):

The thumb was key for wielding and creating tools. Only primates share this trait with humans.

Cave Man:

Tum!

Panel 6:

Same as previous panel but now the Cave Man has the hair, skin and skull peeled back to show us his frontal lobe. He looks spaced out.

Narrator (text box):

The frontal lobe was also key to man's evolution giving us motor functions and the ability for thoughts found only in humans.

Cave Man:

Bain.

Panel 7:

A picture of a brain. Next to it there should be the word "Brain" with an arrow leading from it and pointing at the picture of the brain. It should be turned downwards that we may see it from the top as it displays the left and right hemispheres.

Narrator (text box):

But for today we'll be turning our attentions to the two hemispheres of our brain.

Panel 8:

Two people are standing on each side of the panel separated ideally but not by positioning in the panel.

Narrator (text box):

One hemisphere of the brain is devoted to reason and logic whereas the other is devoted to imagination, creativity, etc.

Person 1:

2x2=4!

Person 2:

2x2=4?

Panel 9:

Same as Panel 7 only now there is an arrow pointing to the center line dividing the right and left hemispheres of the brain. The word for the arrow leading from the divider is "Corpus Callosum" and the arrow of course points this out.

Narrator (text box):

Separating the twin hemispheres is the corpus callosum. It is through this divide that our creative and logical minds communicate with one another.

Page 13:

Panel 1:

We see the Narrator once again.

Narrator:

Why should this matter to you? Through evolution this division between our twin lobes has grown more and more sophisticated.

Panel 2:

Two people, a man and a woman, are standing next to one another. The woman has a hand on the shoulder of the man. She speaks to him as if he were a lover and her face should illustrate this while the man has his hands on his head and is shouting in a state of panic.

Narrator (text box):

But in early man this divider was underdeveloped.

Woman (wooing):

What are you thinking?

Man (panicked):

My god I hear voices in my head!

Panel 3:

A long, distanced shot of a man running through the woods towards a tree trying to escape a lightning strike.

Narrator (text box):

People could not fathom every day occurrences as anything but extraordinary and beyond comprehension.

Man:

Sky fire! Sky fire!

Panel 4:

Same as previous panel. Man is now standing next the tree and the tree has been split down the middle by a bolt of lightning.

Narrator (text box):

So to better understand the world around them they created gods as representations of nature.

Man (calmly):

Sky fire god make with fire god of urth.

Panel 5:

We see four people facing us standing next to one another. They are based on Greco-Roman gods so give them a toga and nice hair (maybe a tiara for the lady). No need for grand detail just make them look a little deified. Each god will have a title above them in a text box. From left to right: Love Goddess, War God, Goddess of the Hunt, Priapus (who is smiling broadly).

Narrator (text box):

Eventually, as man's evolution progressed they began to create gods of emotions and idealism.

Title 1 (text box):

Love Goddess

Title 2 (text box):

War God.

Title 3 (text box):

God of Hunt

Title 4 (text box):

Priapus (don't ask)

Panel 6:

We see a typical Christian interpretation of God facing us. He has the long beard and long, grey hair and all that. Just the typical ideal of God.

Narrator (text box):

This gave way to a simplification of deity worship known as monotheism.

God:

I did and do everything.

Panel 7:

Same as Panel 1 of this page.

Narrator:

Now we're up to speed on the basics of how belief structures are formed. Next we'll see how beliefs, once established and ingrained, govern our reality.

Panel 8:

Same as previous panel.

Narrator:

Vampirism has existed for longer than any of us know but it wasn't until several hundred years ago that our story garnered attention.

Panel 9:

We see soldiers impaled on stakes in front of Vlad's castle. This is a distanced shot so as long as we can tell they're people on stakes you won't have to get too involved in minute detail.

Narrator (text box):

Vlad the Impaler's defensive tactics made him and his rumored disposition a household name. People had begun to take notice.

Page 14:

Panel 1:

A small child is being chided by his or her parent.

Narrator (text box):

Given the time and the place of his antics Vlad garnered the most attention from Christians.

Parent:

Go to bed or a meany will come drink your blood. And pray damn you!

Panel 2:

This will be people passing down the myths from generation to generation. Start from the left with an old man whispering in the ear of a middle-aged man and the middle-aged man is whispering to a child. Feel free to make any of these people male or female.

Narrator (text box):

The story of vampires was handed down through the generations and grew bigger and more complex in the telling.

Panel 3:

Same as the previous panel except now all three of the whisperers are facing us.

Narrator (text box):

Because so many believed for so long we became products of other people's beliefs.

All:

Vampires sleep in coffins and sunlight burns them and they hate garlic and...

Panel 4:

We see two people, one normal and one a vampire, standing in the foreground with a church in the background. The human is a Christian and is wearing a crucifix around his neck. They share a word balloon.

Narrator (text box):

Because Christians were the ones doing most of the believing we can't stand the sight of crosses.

Both:

Is it Sunday already?

Panel 5:

We see two people, one normal and one a vampire, arguing with one another. The human is shouting and pointing at the vampire while the vampire has his palms out and fingers upturned trying to calm the human down.

Narrator (text box):

We are believed undead so we must sleep in burial ritualism, the 'Son' harms us, etc.

Human:

I made you up so do as I say!

Vampire:

Easy man! It's not worth it!

Panel 6:

We see a random vampire, fangs extended, pondering to himself.

Narrator (text box):

You may be asking yourself, "If belief causes change then why don't we believe things are the way we want them to be"?

Vampire:

Hmmmmm???

Panel 7:

We see the Narrator once again.

Narrator:

While this may be possible one must remember the human to vampire ratio not to mention how long it has taken humans to build these beliefs.

Panel 8:

Same as previous panel.

Narrator:

Creation is much easier than changing or destroying what is already created. But don't let me deter you. Change begins in your own backyard!

Panel 9:

Same as previous panel only now the Narrator is waving goodbye to us.

Narrator:

Well that'll do it for me. Just remember: perspective is all that matters and the world is what you believe it to be. Good night!

Page 15:

Panel 1:

Noes is leaning on his desk clicking off the projector with a remote.

Noes:

Ok. Hope you all enjoyed that. Any questions?

Panel 2:

I.V. is sitting at his desk raising his hand.

Noes (off panel):

You sir?

I.V.:

Yeah it's about the part where Christian beliefs dictate our sleeping habits and such?

Panel 3:

Same as previous panel only I.V. has lowered his hand.

I.V.:

When I'd first become a vampire I wasn't even entirely sure what a Christian was let alone any opinions they had about me.

Panel 4:

Same as Panel 1 only now Noes has his hands in his pockets listening to I.V.

I.V. (off panel):

But I still felt the instinctual need to do things like stay out of the sun and sleep in coffins and all that.

Panel 5:

I.V. at his desk.

I.V.:

Could it be possible that the Christians usurped another culture's beliefs on vampirism like they amalgamated themselves with other religions?

Panel 6:

A distanced, broad view of several students in the classroom listening to I.V. speak. They sit in front of him and have turned their heads to listen.

I.V. (off panel):

I mean the Christians are notorious for parasitically injecting themselves into other belief structures to spread their own.

Panel 7:

Same as Panel 1 only now Noes has one hand on the desk for support and the other hand rubbing his chin.

I.V. (off panel):

Maybe they just got all the credit since they were the religion at the forefront of western civilization and the industrial revolution?

Panel 8:

Same as previous panel only now Noes is pacing away from his desk.

Noes:

You may have a point there. When it comes down to it the only heavily Christian influence on us is the cross.

Panel 9:

Same as Panel 3.

Noes (off panel):

Tell you what; see me after class. I don't think the younger students would profit greatly from this discussion.

I.V.:

Ok. Sure.

Page 16:

Panel 1:

Edward, the teacher's pet, is eagerly raising his arm.

Noes: (from off panel)

More questions. Edward?

Panel 2:

Same as previous panel only now Edward has his hand down.

Edward:

Does someone only have to be bitten to be turned into a vampire or do they have to drink a vampire's blood as well?

Panel 3:

Noes is walking back over to the dry erase board with his wooden pointer in hand. The board still has the diagram of the vampire on it.

Noes:

This is one that is commonly up for debate. A lot of vampires don't remember their infection because it involved a great deal of blood loss.

Panel 4:

Close up of Noes pointing to the fangs on the diagram. The head of the diagram should be relatively small because over the next two panels we're going progressively zoom in on it.

Noes:

While we know that our fangs do not dispense venom as a snake's we can surmise that vampirism is a fluid-based transfer.

Panel 5:

A closer view of the vampire's head on the diagram. There shouldn't be a great deal of detail on the head, all we really need to see is the fangs.

Noes (off panel):

Infection can be successful through saliva alone but too much is required. The victim would bleed out long before infection took hold.

Panel 6:

Close up shot of the head of the vampire diagram.

Noes (off panel):

Though not 100% proven many believe that our stomach acids carry the most potent blend of infectious substance.

Panel 7:

Close up view of I.V. similar to the diagram's head in the previous panel. The vampire's head from the diagram is simply replaced by I.V.'s. I.V. is walking down a Roman street at night humming to himself. A crescent moon can be seen over his head and he looks happy. We face him.

The time and place is again Western Rome around 450AD. This is about 30 years before that part of the empire is invaded and overtaken by German barbarians.

I.V. (humming to himself):

doo doo dee doo dee

Panel 8:

We pull back from the close up in the previous panel and see a full body shot of I.V. as he walks down the street towards us. Simple buildings can be seen on both sides of the street and random, background pedestrians are walking around. The moon and stars can be seen overhead.

Panel 9:

A side view of I.V. as he continues to walk down the street toward the right side of the panel. He is walking in front of a dark alleyway and two phantom arms can be seen coming from the darkness about to grab I.V.

Page 17:

Panel 1:

Same view as Panel 9 from Page 16 but now we only see I.V.'s legs kicking in the air as he has violently been pulled into the alleyway.

Panel 2:

I.V. lying on the ground in the dark alley way on his back. He has risen up on his elbows and looks pissed off but more shaken than anything.

I.V.:

What the hell buddy!

Panel 3:

We see the vampire that has pulled I.V. into the alley. He faces us and he looks crazed and ferocious from hunger. His fangs are out.

Panel 4:

Same as previous panel only now the vampire's arms are out, his mouth is open and he is pouncing.

Vampire:

Hrraaaaaaa!

Panel 5:

The vampire has clamped down on I.V.'s neck.

I.V.:

Ahhh!

Vampire (sound effect):

Krek thuururururur.

Panel 6:

We see, from an overhead view, only I.V. who is flat backed on the ground moaning after the assault. His neck is bleeding profusely and has begun to pool under his head/neck.

I.V.:

Ughhguh.

Panel 7:

The vampire is standing and has tilted his head back savoring his meal.

Panel 8:

Close up view of I.V.'s foot kicking the vampire in the balls.

Panel 9:

The vampire has simultaneously doubled over in pain and is throwing up on I.V.'s face.

Page 18:

Panel 1:

We've returned to the present. I.V. has just woken up from his dream. His head was down on the desk but now he's pulled it up a bit for air.

Noes (off panel):

... want to stress that you should always avoid Mormons and giraffes.

Panel 2:

Noes is standing in between the board and his desk. He is looking at his wrist watch.

Noes:

I think that's all the time we have for tonight. Next week we'll go into blood thinners such as garlic and how they affect our diets.

Panel 3:

Broad view of the students rising from their desks.

Noes (off panel):

Have a good night everyone and get some sleep. See you all next week.

Panel 4:

I.V. is rising from his desk.

I.V. (text box):

Maybe it's being around all the other vampires or maybe it's because they're all so young.

Panel 5:

I.V. has risen from his desk and is walking down the stairs.

I.V. (text box):

Maybe it's my perpetual lack of sleep or all the memories I haven't thought about in so long.

Panel 6:

I.V. has his back to us (foreground) as he is approaching Noes (background) who is pushing the chair in behind his desk.

I.V. (text box):

But I have to admit I feel vulnerable, open, even a little exposed.

Panel 7:

We see Noes as he speaks to I.V. who is off panel.

I.V. (off panel) (text box):

Whatever the reason I feel like I can trust this guy.

Noes:

That was certainly an unexpected line of questioning.

Panel 8:

Noes and I.V. talking with one another.

I.V.:

Yeah, well that's just where my brain goes sometimes.

Noes:

I'm a little too used to dealing with kids, that's all.

Panel 9:

Same as previous panel.

Noes:

When exactly did you become a vampire?

I.V.:

Mid 5th century. I was the next to the last generation before Western Rome fell.

Page 19:

Panel 1:

Noes has turned to placing things in a briefcase which is open on his desk while still speaking with I.V. who is standing behind him. Because of I.V.'s paranoia he's beginning to get it in his head that Noes is hitting on him. This makes him uncomfortable and his face/body language should show this.

Noes:

You're certainly older than I am. Walk me out?

I.V.:

Um. Sure.

Panel 2:

I.V. and Noes is walking next to one another out of the classroom. Noes has his briefcase in his hand.

Noes:

You are right by the way, the particulars of our species date back much further than the Christian interpretations.

Panel 3:

The two are still walking. Noes has opened the door and holds it for I.V. to pass through.

Noes:

But we are up against thousands of years of tradition within the third largest religion in the world.

Panel 4:

The two have left the building. The front entrance to that particular building in the university is still visible so this should be a distanced view. They've walked down the front steps and are walking away from them.

Noes:

1500 years. I have to say that's impressive. What's your secret?

Panel 5:

Closer view of the two of them walking past a tree. Noes still holds his briefcase.

I.V.:

No secret to it. I just think things out and I don't take dumb risks.

Panel 6:

They've walked past the tree and we see their backs as they walk away from us.

I.V.:

There's a lot more of us older guys out there but most of them have given up on humanity.

Noes:

With good reason.

Panel 7:

Close up of I.V.'s and Noes' faces as they continue speaking with one another.

Noes:

People never seem to change that much. When life is finite we think that things will eventually get better but we know they never seem to.

Panel 8:

Same as previous panel.

I.V.:

I take it you go by the 'people don't change they only change the things they do' philosophy?

Noes:

A philosopher are you?

Panel 9:

Same as previous panel.

I.V.:

Not really. I can only take philosophy in small doses.

Noes:

But people really don't change do they?

Page 20:

Panel 1:

I.V. and Noes still walking. I.V. on the left, Noes on the right. Noes still with the briefcase. It's there for a reason. Not a very close up view since we'll need to see the briefcase held at Noes' side.

Noes:

I'm sure you know from personal experience that humanity has been doing the same basic things since their inception.

Panel 2:

Same as previous panel.

Noes:

They eat and they breed. Now they have CDs and TV to occupy themselves but the basics never change.

I.V.:

Only duration and quality of life?

Panel 3:

Same as previous panel.

Noes:

Precisely.

I.V.:

Hey. Before we get too embroiled in this can I ask you something?

Noes:

Sure.

Panel 4:

Same as previous panel except I.V.'s words have shocked the professor. His eyes are large as dinner plates and he has dropped his briefcase out of our view with a thud.

I.V.:

Ever heard of a vampire having insomnia?

Briefcase landing (sound effect):

*thud*

Panel 5:

Noes has stooped down to collect his briefcase and the contents which have fallen out because the case popped open upon impact. I.V. looks down at the mess with mild concern.

I.V.:

Oh jeez.

Noes:

No no! It's nothing. Please go on.

I.V.:

Well I have insomnia and I was wondering if you've...

Panel 6:

Noes has collected his papers and has put them back in his briefcase which remains standing but closed on the ground next to him. Noes is reaching into his pocket for a cell phone while holding up his index finger at I.V.

Noes:

I'm sorry if you could excuse me I have to take this. One moment. Don't move.

Panel 7:

Same as previous panel only now Noes has walked off into the background where he is talking on the phone. I.V., in the foreground, is looking at him in the distance with his back to us.

I.V. (thought balloon):

That's weird - his phone didn't ring and I didn't hear it vibrate?

Panel 8:

Same as previous panel only now Noes is closing his phone and returning to the foreground and to I.V.'s side.

Noes (with immense nervous energy):

Many pardons and apologies.

I.V.:

It's ok.

Noes:

It would seem the professor's work is never done!

Panel 9:

Same as previous panel. Now Noes is bending down slightly to retrieve his briefcase from the ground. I.V. has a 'why is he getting so worked up' look on his face.

I.V.:

Really it's ok. Nothing to get worked up over.

Noes:

Again. Sorry. Please continue.

Page 21:

Panel 1:

I.V. and Noes still walking together and talking. I.V. on the left and Noes on the right. Noes still carries his briefcase. Noes is looking off to the right (his left) not really paying attention to what I.V. is saying. It's like he's looking for something. I.V. should be on the left side of the panel and Noes on the right side for all the panels on this page.

I.V.:

Well for the past few hundred years I haven't been able to sleep properly.

Noes:

Is that so.

Panel 2:

A closer view of the two but they're still walking and talking. More of Noes looking off in the distance this time to the left (his right) behind I.V.

I.V.:

I'm lucky if I get a few hours every few days.

Noes:

Yeah?

I.V.:

So I end up having to lay around in my coffin awake.

Panel 3:

The two still walking and talking. Noes is looking straight ahead.

I.V.:

I feel so trapped in there. Ever been locked up before? My coffin's a lot like prison without the rapes.

Panel 4:

The two of them are walking past a campus security guard who is tipping his hat at Noes and I.V. Noes glances at the guard.

I.V.:

I'm at a loss of how to get to sleep anymore.

Noes:

Really?

I.V.:

I've tried exercise - nothing.

Security Guard:

Sirs.

Panel 5:

Close up of the two. I.V.'s still talking and Noes is still half listening while he peers off over his own shoulder (our right, Noes' left) in expectation.

I.V.:

I've tried pills and those are worse than the insomnia. Change of diet, meditation, vacations, hell I've even tried magic.

Noes:

Hmm. Pills. Yes.

Panel 6:

Same as previous panel.

I.V.:

Have you ever known of any other vampires having insomnia?

Noes:

Interesting. Go on.

I.V.:

Are you even listening?

Panel 7:

Same as previous panel only now they have stopped walking and Noes has the large eyes and fearful look on his face again. Noes is still looking away from I.V. who has started to get pissed off at Noes' behavior.

Noes:

Ooh. Yes oh yes. Can't sleep. Million miles away. Sorry.

Panel 8:

Same as previous only now both have a calm look on their faces and have begun walking once more. Noes continues to look away from I.V.

Noes:

Have you tried a vacation? Stress is a killer and a few days on a sunny beach will spruce you right up.

Panel 9:

I.V. is staring a hole in Noes. They have stopped walking.

I.V.:

A Sunny beach?!

Page 22:

Panel 1:

Same as Panel 9 from previous page. Noes is visible shaken and very frightened and I.V. is getting angrier. Noes' gaze has returned to I.V. Remember, I.V. is on the left and Noes is on the right.

I.V.:

Ok. You're joking. Right?

Panel 2:

Same as previous panel only now they've both calmed down again. I.V. wants to believe that Noes is what he seems. He wants to believe it a little too much.

Noes:

Yes! Heh. Um, joking, yes. Sorry. In bad taste I know.

Panel 3:

Closer view of the two as they face us. I.V. has began speaking once more to Noes but Noes has his arms raised in the air and is waving them at something off panel to the right. Noes is also looking off to the right (his left) even though I.V. is standing next to him on the left and is speaking directly to Noes. Noes does not have his briefcase in hand now. Keep in mind that I.V. is on the left side of the panel and Noes is signaling to something off panel to the right.

I.V.:

Well it wasn't that bad of a... um, why are you waving your arms like that?

Panel 4:

Same as previous panel. Noes has stopped waving his arms in the air but still holds them up. Although his body is still turned in the direction of the right side of the panel he has turned his head toward I.V.

Panel 5:

Same as previous panel. Noes has lowered his arms and turned his body to face I.V.

Panel 6:

Same as previous panel. Noes faces I.V. has he speaks.

Noes:

Oh look there's my car. Walk me over?

Panel 7:

Noes stoops down to pick up his briefcase. We see Noes and I.V. from the back.

I.V.:

Hm? Oh right. So any real suggestions about the insomnia?

Panel 8:

They have walked over to Noes' car. Noes stands next to the door with a key in his hand.

Noes:

It is certainly a singular occurrence and I can look into it tomorrow perhaps and let you know.

I.V.:

Well, thanks doc.

Panel 9:

Same as previous panel. Noes has dropped his keys and is bending down to pick them up.

Noes:

Damn keys.

I.V.:

Well should I maybe give you my number?

Noes:

No! I mean, that won't be necessary.

Page 23:

Panel 1:

Close up of Noes and I.V. talking next to Noes' car. Center I.V. and put Noes off to the left because over the next few panels we'll need some space behind I.V.

I.V.:

Oh yeah. I guess I can just check back in with you next week.

Noes:

Yeah yeah. Sure sure.

Panel 2:

Same as previous panel only now we can see two men approaching from the background. One guy over each of I.V.'s shoulders. Noes is wiggling his keys trying to open his door with much difficulty.

Noes:

Bloody hell these keys.

I.V.:

Um. Ok. I will be seeing you next week then?

Panel 3:

Same as previous panel. The two men, one over each of I.V.'s shoulders, has now gotten within the foreground. Both Thugs wear nondescript jackets and sunglasses, even though it's nighttime. Thug 2's face is visibly covered with small slash scars like he's keeping count of something on his face.

I.V.:

Oh and doc?

Noes:

What?!?!!

I.V.:

Jeez I just wanted to...

Panel 4:

Same as previous panel. The two men have pulled a burlap sack over I.V.'s head. One guy has hold of the sack and the other guy has grabbed hold of I.V.'s arms from behind at the elbows.

I.V.:

Mmrrrrmammmh!

Panel 5:

Same as previous panel. I.V. is dropping lifelessly to the ground between the two men. Noes has stopped fiddling with his keys and is looking over his shoulder at the two men with a surprised look on his face.

Thug 2:

Wow he dropped quick.

Panel 6:

Same as previous panel. Noes has turned to the two men and is speaking with them.

Noes:

How much ether did you soak that bag in?

Thug 1:

A lot.

Thug 2:

Hey it's not like we have to worry about killing the guy.

Panel 7:

Same as previous panel. Noes is rubbing his eyes with the fingers on one hand in frustration while the two men are looking at one another while shrugging their shoulders.

Noes:

Idiots. Put him in the trunk and let's go.

Panel 8:

An entirely black panel.

I.V. (text box):

Everything is dark, hazy and bumpy. I wish I had some wild night of debauchery to compare this feeling to but I don't.

Panel 9:

Same as previous panel.

I.V. (text box):

It smells like tires and baboons back here. Maybe I shouldn't feel bad about not having a comparison.

Page 24:

Panel 1:

Distanced view of Thug 2 and Noes standing in front of an open car trunk looking in. They have stopped on the side of the road.

Thug 2:

I think he's awake.

Noes:

Well?

Panel 2:

Same as previous panel. Now Thug 2 is partially leaning into the trunk space and is repeatedly punching what's inside the trunk, I.V.

Thug 2:

Take that! You want that? Yeah ya do!

Noes:

I meant more ether you dipshit.

Panel 3:

Same as previous panel only now Thug 2 has stopped punching the trunk's contents. He still has one fist raised in the air and he is still partially in the trunk space but he has also turned his head to give Noes (standing behind the car a few paces) an evil, 'you're next' sort of look. Noes looks as though he knows he has crossed a line and has his palms out in a calming fashion.

Noes:

Keep doin' what you're doin'.

Panel 4:

We are seeing things from I.V.'s point of view. His vision is foggy and he is looking up at his right hand which has a medieval-looking manacle on it and is raised above his head. He is chained to something, a wall, though we don't see what it is as of yet. We only see the hand, the manacle and the chain leading off of it.

I.V. (thought balloon):

Wah... what the hell? Am I chained?

Panel 5:

Same as previous panel only now his vision is just a little better and he is clinching his hand into a fist.

I.V. (thought balloon):

So weak I can't pull the chains out of the wall. What the hell's going on? I feel like a fat man just sat on me.

Panel 6:

Still I.V.'s p.o.v. We see the figure of a person though I.V.'s vision is still fuzzy so we only see the basic shape.

Fuzzy Figure:

Please do not try to struggle divine one.

Panel 7:

Centered in the panel is a middle-aged man, though he looks young and lean, with long hair and a clean-shaven face. His arms are spread wide stretching across the panel. He is wearing a solid white robe. He has a serene look on his face.

Robed Man:

My name is Shard. Welcome to my home.

Robed Man:

And thank you in advance for ushering in a miraculous new age for my people and myself.

I.V. (off panel) (thought balloon):

Holy hell.

End of Issue 1
Insomniac Vampire issue two

Page 1:

Panel 1:

A distanced shot of Professor Noes walking down a sewer corridor crowded with homeless people. Mostly they're talking to themselves, holding out a change cup for Noes or holding out their hand to him. Noes wears a long sleeved button up shirt and a pair of slacks.

Homeless 1:

It's zat damn war.

Homeless 2:

Spare some change?

Noes (thought balloon):

I'll never get used to this.

Homeless 3:

I need to get man!

Panel 2:

Same as previous panel. Noes is stepping over a homeless person who is lying down and sleeping. A few people talk off to the side, one of them is excited and shouts with his hands in the air while the person he's talking to looks sympathetic/thoughtful with his head down as he listens.

Noes (thought balloon):

Shard gives them all the food they want and still they beg me for handouts.

Homeless 4:

Baggalor dooble!

Homeless 5:

I know. I know.

Panel 3:

A close up of Noes continuing to walk down the corridor.

Noes (thought balloon):

I just wanna get my cash and get outta here.

Panel 4:

Noes has his back to us. He stands in front of a door and he is knocking on it.

Panel 5:

Same as previous panel. Leon has slightly opened the door and his face can be seen in the doorway. Noes still has his back to us.

Leon:

Yes?

Noes:

Here to see the man Leon.

Leon:

One moment.

Panel 6:

Same as previous. Noes still has his back to us. He is waiting patiently.

Panel 7:

Same as previous. Noes still has his back to us. He is getting impatient.

Noes (thought balloon):

What the hell?

Panel 8:

Same as previous. Noes still has his back to us. The door has opened slightly again but Leon is no longer blocking it.

Leon (off panel):

Enter.

Noes (thought balloon):

About time.

Page 2:

Panel 1:

We see Shard sitting behind his desk and Leon, the ever present watch dog, is standing next to the desk with his arms folded. Leon appears menacing. Shard is looking up from his work with a good-natured look on his face. There should be various background things such as a bookshelf filled with books, framed pictures with glaring from the lights so their exact images can't be made out, etc. Shard is wearing his ever-present robe and Leon is dressed in a bullet proof vest and camouflage fatigues. Leon also has a sheathed samurai sword perpetually hanging across his shoulders along his back.

Shard:

How may I help you Professor?

Panel 2:

Noes is speaking to an off panel Shard. Noes is scratching his head and speaking calmly and directly to the point.

Noes:

I just wanted my money so I could go.

Noes: I've got some auditions to get to.

Shard (off panel):

How is your acting career going Professor Noes?

Panel 3:

Noes, Shard and Leon all featured. Same positioning as previous panels.

Noes:

Not so good lately with me being stuck in these sewers and all. Between that and the pseudo class I haven't had much time for anything.

Shard:

Yes. My apologies for asking you to stay here with us but it was for security purposes. You understand.

Panel 4:

Same as previous. Shard is reaching into his desk.

Noes:

At least it worked out though.

Shard:

Indeed. Worked out.

Shard:

Here you are then; the 13 coins for your betrayal.

Panel 5:

Noes reaching for a pouch on the edge of Shard's desk. Noes is the only one pictured. He has a soured, sarcastic look on his face.

Noes:

I damn sure hope there's more than 13 coins in here.

Shard (off panel):

It was meant as a joke Noes.

Noes:

Oh yeah, Judas. Never heard that one before. Never not once.

Page 3:

Panel 1:

A close up of Shard sitting behind his desk.

Shard:

So tell me Noes, would you like to see him before you go?

Panel 2:

A close up of Noes holding his pouch and gesturing "no thanks" with his other hand.

Noes:

Why? So I can apologize? No thank you. Those people always freaked me out.

Panel 3:

Same as Panel 1.

Noes (off panel):

And this one says he's 1500 years old. Not for me.

Shard:

As you will.

Panel 4:

We see Noes, Leon and Shard all pictured in panel. Shard is rising from his desk.

Shard:

Are you leaving immediately? Won't you stay and have a final dinner with us?

Noes:

I can do without another rat/shoe stew thanks.

Panel 5:

Shard speaking to Leon who still has his arms folded and calm/controlled malice on his face.

Shard:

Leon? Would you be so kind as to take the professor above?

Leon:

Certainly Shard.

Shard:

Thank you Leon.

Panel 6:

All three characters pictured in panel. Noes is putting up his hands motioning as though he was pushing out with his palms gently. Leon is still maliciously serious, Shard still smiling wholesomely.

Noes:

No no. Won't be necessary.

Shard: Oh but I insist.

Leon:

As do I.

Panel 7:

Leon is letting Noes walk through the opened office door first. All three characters are pictured.

Shard:

Goodbye Professor Noes. And good luck to you.

Page 4:

Panel 1:

From behind we see two people in shadows secretively peeking over the top of a crate and whispering to one another. The two people, foreground, look into the background at something hanging on a wall with people in robes walking underneath it.

Shadow 1 (whisper):

Could that really be a vampire?

Shadow 2 (whisper):

Let's hope so.

Panel 2:

We face the two shadowed people now as they continue to peek over the top of the crate and whisper to one another. From our view we can only see their eyes and the tops of their heads. They've turned to look at one another.

Shadow 2 (whisper):

If it is that's our ticket to immortality.

Shadow 1 (whisper):

Hookers and blow forever!

Panel 3:

We see I.V. shackled and chained to a wall and hanging a few feet off the floor. He is passed out and his head is slumped down to one side. At his feet offerings have been laid such as vases of flowers, wreathes of flowers and the occasional dead rat. In the panel one robed worshiper is bringing a large punch bowl of soup (held with both hands) and another is bowing down already beneath I.V.'s feet.

Issue Title Banner:

Down and Bound

Shadow 2 (whisper) (off panel):

Yes indeed. Hookers and blow forever.

Bowing worshiper:

Give us your glory. Give us your light.

Page 5:

Panel 1:

In a small bedroom within the sewers Rap is practicing kung fu moves completely nude with his back to us. His body is covered in small, self inflicted slash scars like he is keeping count of something.

Panel 2:

Same as previous with a different kung fu move being practiced.

Panel 3:

Same as previous only now he has spun around and we see his face which is also scarred and dripping with sweat. A door can be seen in the background.

Panel 4:

Same as previous panel. Rap's attention has been drawn to a knock at the door.

Panel 5:

Rap has opened the door slightly and is looking out of it. Through his point of view we see a skeezy looking girl on the other side of his door. She is wearing a tank top with a mini skirt and looks as though she's been sleeping in a sewer with several men at once. She also carries a large purse.

Skeeze:

Hahy! Have you see Mick?

Panel 6:

We see a pulled back view of Skeeze and Rap from behind Skeeze. Rap has opened the door completely now but is still standing in the doorway. We see he has managed to put on a wife beater and a pair of sweat pants to answer the door.

Rap:

No I haven't.

Skeeze:

I got some booze you wanna party?

Panel 7:

Same as previous. Rap has stepped aside to permit Skeeze's entrance. She is walking through the door.

Rap:

Do come in.

Panel 8:

Same as previous panel. The door is now shut.

Page 6:

Panel 1:

Skeeze has sat down on Rap's bed with her legs open taking a drink from a bottle of liquor. Her purse is laid on the bed as open as her legs are.

Panel 2:

Same as previous. Rap has joined her on the bed. Skeeze is passing the bottle to Rap.

Skeeze:

Where'd you get them scars?

Rap:

Each slash is someone I have killed.

Panel 3:

Same as previous. Rap is drinking from the bottle.

Skeeze:

Thassa lotta kills! Are you a Nattzi or somethin'?

Panel 4:

Same as previous. Rap is holding the bottle by the neck in his lap.

Rap:

Fighter pilot. I bombed villages.

Skeeze:

How many villages did ya bomb?

Rap:

Three.

Panel 5:

A close up of Rap taking off his wife beater.

Skeeze (off panel):

I gotta charge ya ye know.

Panel 6:

Same as previous. Rap's shirt is off and he is untying the draw string of his sweat pants.

Rap:

You could do that.

Rap:

Or I could tell Mick you've been holding out on him.

Skeeze (off panel):

I ain't holdin' out on 'um!

Panel 7:

A side view of Rap who has gotten up from the bed and walked over to a chest of drawers. He is naked but we're only seeing his torso anyway. His back is to Skeeze as he reaches into the top drawer and pulls out a knife.

Rap:

Says you.

Skeeze:

You wants ta play you gots ta pay!

Rap:

All right you win.

Page 7:

Panel 1:

Noes and Leon are walking down a corridor in the sewers talking amongst themselves. Noes is slightly nervous but forcing himself to be oblivious to his situation, walking through the sewers with a mercenary. Leon does not like Noes at all and would just assume have him gone.

Noes:

Why is it Shard wants me escorted out?

Leon:

Hospitality.

Panel 2:

Same as previous.

Noes:

Yeah right. Shard never like me.

Leon:

I never liked you. Shard is beyond like or dislike.

Panel 3:

A close up of Leon.

Leon:

He has transcended such base, human emotions.

Noes (off panel):

Yeah I forgot. Immortal without the immortality.

Panel 4:

A close up of Noes facing forward.

Noes:

For as little as I got paid for this I hope you guys pull off your little scheme.

Panel 5:

Same as previous. Noes has turned his head to listen to Leon speak.

Leon (off panel):

That will not happen within your lifetime.

Noes:

Yay.

Leon (off panel):

Be thankful you completed your task.

Panel 6:

Leon and Noes have arrived at a large, round entrance into another tunnel. Though it is not marked this is the exit from the sewers. Leon has turned to speak with Noes.

Leon:

Had you not had such an important charge I would have disposed of you the moment you found our home.

Noes:

Yeah you're just jealous I found the vampire and you didn't.

Panel 7:

Same as previous with Noes walking into the round entrance. Leon watches Noes as he walks away. Noes is speaking to Leon without looking at him.

Noes:

Face it: you don't have the people skills to pull off what I just did.

Leon:

Perhaps but I know 37 ways to kill you right now.

Noes:

Good for you. That'd make a great pick up line.

Page 8:

Panel 1:

We see a full body view of Mick walking toward us through a tunnel way with one arm over the shoulder of a whorish looking woman and the other arm holding a bottle of liquor by the neck. Mick is wearing only a bullet proof vest and a pair of camouflage fatigues. Off to the side sitting against the tunnel wall is a homeless man. Mick and the whore look wasted.

Mick (shouting):

All right!!!!

Whore (shouting):

Yeah!

Mick (shouting):

Woooo!!!!!

Homeless Man:

Gotta quarter? I need a sandwich.

Panel 2:

Same as previous. Mick has taken is arm off of Whore and is using that hand to reach into his pocket. He is handing Whore his bottle at the same time. The homeless man is getting up and has one hand pressed against the wall to aid him in standing.

Mick:

Yeah!! Here I got a dollar for ya.

Mick (to Whore):

Hold this.

Panel 3:

A close up of Mick handing Homeless Man a dollar bill.

Homeless Man:

Hey thanks.

Whore (off panel):

I could go for a line.

Panel 4:

Same as previous. Homeless Man holds the dollar he was given and Mick is getting an annoyed look on his face.

Homeless Man:

Got another?

Mick:

Yeeaaahhhh... sure.

Whore (off panel):

Are we going to your room?

Panel 5:

Same as previous. Homeless Man is holding the first dollar in one hand and reaching out for another dollar, which Mick is handing him, with the other hand.

Homeless Man:

Hey thanks.

Homeless Man:

Got another?

Whore (off panel):

Are we? Are we?

Mick:

What?!

Panel 6:

All three characters are pictured in panel. Whore is holding the bottle, Mick is shoving Homeless Man down and Homeless Man is falling to the ground still clinging to the two dollar bills.

Mick:

I already gave you two you greedy asshole!

Whore:

Let's go get high.

Panel 7:

Same as previous. Mick is now kicking Homeless Man who is lying on the ground.

Homeless Man:

Ahh!

Mick:

Ok. Let's go.

Page 9:

Panel 1:

Mick and Whore are walking through the door to Mick's room. Whore is drinking from the liquor bottle.

Mick:

Damn bum.

Panel 2:

Whore sits down on Mick's bed while Mick drinks from the bottle making his way to a chest of drawers.

Whore:

Yeah, dig in there.

Panel 3:

A close up of Mick opening the top drawer. The drawer is filled with piles of cocaine that is not bagged. On top of the chest of drawers are a spoon and a tray which has a razor and a straw on it.

Whore (off panel):

Shouldn't you put that in a bag or something?

Panel 4:

Same as previous. Mick is digging out a large spoon full of the stuff.

Mick:

Are you complaining?

Whore (off panel):

Where did you get all that stuff anyway?

Panel 5:

Mick and Whore on the bed together. Mick has give Whore the bottle of liquor back and has a tray in his lap. He is cutting the coke into lines with a razor and is very attentive to his work.

Mick:

Magic lolly pop and powdered sugar land.

Panel 6:

Mick has his head down to the tray doing a line. Whore is pictured as well.

Whore:

No really.

Panel 7:

Mick is handing the tray over to Whore.

Mick:

I own my own business.

Whore:

Really?

Mick:

Yeah! I'm in the 'what's between your legs' business.

Whore (playfully):

Oh shut up!

Mick:

Hey where's Simone?

Page 10:

Panel 1:

Leon walks down a tunnel way.

Panel 2:

Leon has stopped in front of a large, round, wooden door that looks like the entrance to another tunnel.

Panel 3:

We face Leon who has opened and walked through the door. He has walked across the room and the round door is visible in the background to show this. There are worshipers on both sides of him bowing to a wall. Leon looks up at the wall.

Panel 4:

We see Leon and the worshipers from behind. Leon is looking up at I.V. hanging on the wall with his head still slumped from unconsciousness. The offerings beneath I.V. have grown in number.

Panel 5:

Leon is watching the worshipers as they get up and leave I.V. and himself alone.

Panel 6:

A close up of I.V.'s head slumped to the side.

Leon (off panel):

So you are he who Master Shard has prophesied?

Panel 7:

A close up of Leon looking up at I.V. He has gotten closer to the captive and his face is at I.V.'s shin level indicating I.V.'s height from the floor.

Leon:

You aren't much to look at.

Panel 8:

Leon has stepped away from I.V. and has his back to the prisoner. Though I.V.'s head is still slumped he has woken up a bit.

Leon:

My master has spoken of nothing save your presence since you arrived.

I.V. (thought balloon):

Damn I'm thirsty.

Page 11:

Panel 1:

Leon has drawn his sword and holds it as high as he can up to I.V.

Leon:

You have acquired admiration when once it was only reserved for me!

I.V. (thought balloon):

I have to pee so bad.

Panel 2:

Leon has lowered his sword and again turned his back on I.V.

Leon:

But lo, I cannot kill you.

I.V. (thought balloon):

I don't want to piss myself but I don't think I have much choice.

Panel 3:

Leon is sheathing his sword and facing I.V.

Leon:

I must sheath my sword for the betterment of this world.

I.V. (thought balloon):

Did he really have to wake me up for this?

Panel 4:

Same as previous. Leon is pointing at I.V., he sword sheathed.

Leon:

Though I despise you, dog, I believe my master will change this world for the better and he requires you to accomplish his goals.

I.V. (thought balloon):

I'm so thirsty I would drink the water from one of those flower pots right now.

Panel 5:

A close up of Leon. We face him.

Leon:

Have you nothing o say for yourself dog?

Panel 6:

A close up of I.V. We face him. He has raised his head to speak his gibberish. He is still whacked out on the ether.

I.V.:

Eiffer mackma sheep...

Panel 7:

Leon is walking towards us in the foreground with I.V., whose head is once again slumped down, in the background.

Leon:

With great difficulty I have suppressed my own temptation.

I.V. (thought balloon):

Man I don't want to wet myself.

Page 12:

Panel 1:

From outside of his room we see Rap who has slightly cracked his door and has stuck his head out looking to the left.

Panel 2:

Same as previous. Rap looks to the right.

Panel 3:

Same as previous. Rap looks to the left again.

Panel 4:

Rap exits his room with a large garbage bag slung over his shoulder containing what looks to be a body. Rap is whistling.

Mick (off panel):

Hey Rap!

Panel 5:

Rap stops in his tracks as Mick walks up to him.

Mick:

Say, you haven't seen Simone around have you?

Rap:

Simone?

Rap:

Simone who?

Panel 6:

Mick pulls the body off Rap's shoulder to Rap's surprise.

Mick:

The girl you have in this bag!

Rap:

Her name's Simone?

Panel 7:

Mick is shouting at Rap who is trying to play innocent and dumb at the same time.

Mick:

Why do you keep killing my hookers Rap?!

Rap:

I didn't kill her. She... she fell.

Mick:

Oh really?!

Page 13:

Panel 1:

A close up of a fresh cut on Rap's arm which still bleeds and Mick's finger/hand pointing at it.

Mick (off panel):

Then what's this?

Panel 2:

Rap looking down at his fresh wound innocently.

Rap:

Oh that? It's... a... I fell.

Panel 3:

A close up of Rap looking at an off panel Mick.

Mick (off panel):

Don't you have enough kills Rap?!

Panel 4:

A close up of Mick angrily looking at an off panel Rap.

Rap (off panel):

Look I bombed villages from an airplane. I can't even confirm half of these things.

Panel 5:

A close up of Rap speaking to an off panel Mick pleadingly.

Rap:

The hookers keep wandering into my room and I can't help myself.

Mick (off panel):

That's the third one this week Rap!

Panel 6:

Rap and Mick talking to each other. Rap is looking away feeling sorry for himself.

Rap:

I don't mean to kill them. It starts with me wanting to have sex with them and they end up dead.

Mick:

Then stop raping them!

Panel 7:

Same as previous only now Rap has his arms in the air shouting at Mick. Mick looks oddly calm about the yelling.

Rap:

I'm not raping them! They start trying to charge me then all I want to do is kill them!

Mick:

They're hookers Rap. They're supposed to charge.

Panel 8:

Rap and Mick are both in panel. Mick is pointing accusingly at Rap and Rap is getting angry.

Mick:

Now I'm gonna have to charge you for lost wages!

Rap:

Oh now you're charging me!

Donna (off panel):

Hey you two!

Page 14:

Panel 1:

Full body view of Donna. We face her and she looks angry. She wears a lab coat, short sensible hair and a pair of large glasses. She dresses herself very much for purpose: short hair to stay out of her way, nursing shoes because she's on her feet a lot, etc.

Donna:

I can't even hear myself think over here!

Panel 2:

Mick, Rap and Donna all pictured in panel. Rap has his head hung low in apology, Mick is unabashed in his anger and Donna has a firm, irritated by stupid triviality look on her face.

Rap:

Sorry Donna.

Mick:

He killed another one of my hookers!

Donna:

I don't care! Shut it you two!

Panel 3:

A close up of Donna pointing behind her but glaring at an off panel Mick.

Donna:

My lab is right there. Right there! And I can't concentrate with you two at each other's throats.

Panel 4:

A close up of Mick with his hands raised in the air and looking up.

Mick:

All right, sorry. We'll keep it down.

Panel 5:

A picture of Donna's door just after it has been slammed shut.

Mick (off panel):

What's her problem?

Panel 6:

Rap and Mick talking to one another. They seem to be much calmer now.

Rap:

Don't know.

Rap:

Hey can you give me a hand with this body?

Panel 7:

Same as previous. Mick has turned to walk away. Rap is a little surprised he's doing so.

Rap:

C'mon man. She's pretty heavy for a crack head.

Rap:

Whatever.

Page 15:

Panel 1:

A knock is heard at the door to the office of Shard. Shard sits behind his desk arbitrarily doing paperwork. He does not raise his head to speak.

Shard:

Come in Leon.

Panel 2:

Leon has partially opened the door and one shoulder/arm has passed across the doorway. We see this from inside Shard's office. Leon's face has dropped the malice completely and now it is more as though he speaks to a half awake lover.

Leon:

How did you know it was me Master Shard?

Panel 3:

Leon enters the office and speaks with Shard who is still seated behind his desk. Shard finally looks up at Leon. Leon looks timid.

Leon:

What if I were the enemy knocking at your door?

Shard:

If you are not by my side I know the next rapping shall be yours.

Panel 4:

Shard sitting behind his desk smiling good-naturedly.

Shard:

Besides what enemies do we have here in the sewers?

Panel 5:

We see Shard's back in the foreground as he is speaking to Leon in the background whom we face.

Leon:

The government has never taken kindly to cult activity.

Shard:

We rescue their downtrodden from the streets.

Shard:

Those they cannot care for with their elections and tax collecting.

Panel 6:

Side view of Leon and Shard. Leon has begun pacing to and fro in front of Shard's desk. We see his back.

Leon:

They watch you you know. For months and sometimes years they watch you.

Shard:

We do not speak out against them nor have we arms to bare.

Shard:

We keep to ourselves and affect no one by our lack of presence.

Panel 7:

Same as previous. Leon has turned in his pace and he faces us now. Shard has begun to rise from his desk.

Leon:

They're afraid of another mass suicide; afraid of piles of bodies for the press.

Shard:

Please, you are not listening to me. It would never come to that.

Shard:

And if they did take action I have my Guardians to protect me.

Page 16:

Panel 1:

A close up of Leon with his arms in the air yelling at Shard. We face Leon.

Leon:

Your Guardians are useless! A drunken whore monger, a kill happy psycho and a mad scientist! That's who's...

Panel 2:

Same as previous panel. Leon is shocked at himself for yelling at his beloved master.

Panel 3:

Same as previous. Leon has bowed his head and put his hands together in a motion of forgiveness similar to a Japanese bowing. This is all done very formally.

Leon:

Forgive me. I am shamed to have forgotten my place.

Panel 4:

A close up of Shard who has risen from his desk still pleasantly smiling.

Shard:

Your place is here. Have you forgotten that?

Panel 5:

Same as Panel 3.

Leon:

No Master I have not.

Panel 6:

Same as Panel 4. Shard has raised one hand to illustrate his point and has begun to walk around the corner of the desk.

Shard:

My Guardians may be unable to serve our interests any longer but you have neglected to see how useful their leader remains.

Panel 7:

Leon and Shard both pictured in panel. Shard is approaching Leon. Both are in front of the desk. Leon looks sadly concerned.

Shard:

I have known of the Guardians'... proclivities for longer than you realize. My Guardians served their purpose long ago and for that they are tolerated.

Panel 8:

Shard now stands directly in front of Leon and has placed his hands on Leon's shoulders comfortingly. Leon looks to one of the hands on his shoulder as if he finds comfort in them.

Shard:

But you have never failed me Leon, never faltered. And for that you will know my grace when you share in my immortality.

Page 17:

Panel 1:

A close up of Leon who looks surprised and vulnerable at once.

Leon:

What of the others Master?

Panel 2:

A close up of Shard. His back is turned to us and his hands are folded behind him and his head is lowered in contemplation.

Shard:

Grant them immortality so they may compound their discretions? I think not.

Panel 3:

Same as previous panel. Shard has turned around to face us once more and in doing so has turned his back to an off panel Leon.

Shard:

As for our followers they breed well enough on their own. Why clone a rabbit?

Panel 4:

Shard has approached Leon once again and has placed one hand on Leon's shoulder in brotherhood. Leon's face looks fawn like.

Leon:

And should their numbers ever dwindle we go above to fetch more.

Panel 5:

Leon and Shard face one another and speak to one another. Leon looks sorrowful.

Leon:

Why must these bygone prophets be shut away?

Shard:

Because they are not understood.

Panel 6:

Shard is walking back around to the other side of his desk.

Shard:

In many cases the awakened are so distant from this world they linger in a limbo of their own making.

Panel 7:

Leon has approached the front of the desk in which Shard has sat down behind once again. Shard looks distressed and his gaze is pointed downward.

Shard:

A function of the human, material brain I'm afraid.

Shard:

Oh how they are neglected within this society. Oh how I wish it were otherwise.

Panel 8:

Same as previous. Shard looks up at Leon. Shard's smile has returned to him.

Shard:

Speaking of our divine congregation; after the meeting tonight take Section D to the blood banks. We need some cash.

Leon:

A meeting sir?

Panel 9:

A close up of Shard's ever smiling face.

Shard:

Oh yes Leon. Our prophecies have been fulfilled. It is time.

Leon:

Yes sir.

Shard:

Gather my Guardians. I require their attendance.

Page 18:

Panel 1:

Noes is peeking his head around the corner of a tunnel way entrance.

Noes (thought balloon):

Why am I doing this?

Panel 2:

Noes walking down a tunnel.

Noes (thought balloon):

I did the job, got my money and made it out unscathed. So why the hell am I doing this?

Panel 3:

Noes lunges against the wall frightened by something on the ground.

Panel 4:

A close up of a rat as it scurries by Noes' foot.

Panel 5:

A distanced view of Noes as he kicks the rat sending it flying down the tunnel way in an arch. A drawn arch of trajectory would be nice and comical.

Rat:

Eeeeepp!!

Panel 6:

Noes turns to walk away and slips on something. He is in the process of falling when we see him.

Noes:

Ump!

Panel 7:

Noes is sitting in a puddle of filth soaked and looking disgruntled.

Noes (thought balloon):

Already this is totally worth the effort.

Panel 8:

Still in the puddle he lifts one hand which holds an animal so filthy he cannot tell what it is. Noes has the look of inquisitive disgust.

Noes (thought balloon):

My god this thing is filthy. Why am I even holding it?

Panel 9:

The animal, a cat, has sprung to life. We face it as it goes after Noes' face while exhibiting a feral, injured panic.

Page 19:

Panel 1:

A close up of a hand knocking on a door with multiple locks and latches on it.

Panel 2:

Leon is peeking his head in Mick's room to inform him of the meeting. Mick is lying on top of one of his hookers while throwing up off the side of the bed.

Leon:

Mick! Shard's called a meeting.

Mick:

Whassa... blaaaaaarrrrrrrggggggfffffffff!

Whore:

Hehe. It feels kinda funny when you barf while you're in there.

Panel 3:

A close up of a hand knocking on a door with a knife protruding from it.

Panel 4:

We face Leon who is in the background. In the foreground is a close up of Rap's naked butt. He is nude and doing pull ups. Rap is in the middle of an 'up' and Leon is looking up at his junk while standing in the doorway.

Leon:

Master Shard has cal... good god man put on some pants!

Leon (thought balloon):

At least he's hanging there doing pull-ups this time.

Rap (off panel):

One of these days you're going to barge in here at an awkward moment. Again.

Panel 5:

A close up of a hand knocking on a door with a sign that says Do Not Expose.

Panel 6:

Donna is standing in her lab holding a piece of film and a Petri dish. The lab is typical Bunsen burners and beakers stuff. A dinging sound, a bell perpetually ringing, can be heard in the background. Donna looks calm enough though its only an elaborate mask for her anger at Leon who she respects much in the same way a person who doesn't like animals respects a dog who can follow commands.

Leon (off panel):

We've got a meeting Donna.

Donna:

Can you read? You just exposed samples that took me weeks to cultivate.

Leon:

Sorry. I thought the sign was for Rap.

Donna:

Did you walk in on him again?

Sound Effect:

ring ring

Page 20:

Panel 1:

I.V. hangs on the wall. His head is still slumped in unconsciousness. His worshipers are gathered at his feet bowing and praising him.

Panel 2:

Noes has entered the chamber and is shoeing away the worshipers like pesky dogs. His face is severely scratched up and his clothes are ripped around his upper torso.

Noes:

Shoe! Get out! Go!

Panel 3:

Noes is unbinding I.V.'s left foot.

Noes (thought balloon):

I do not know why I'm doing this.

Noes (thought balloon):

But that Shard guy is nuts and I got you into this.

Panel 4:

Same as previous but Noes has moved on to I.V.'s right foot. His left is free.

Noes (thought balloon):

Well he's not really nuts but he's off his rocker.

Noes (thought balloon):

He's got that Eastern philosophy thing going on where he's so calm about everything you just wanna hit 'im.

Panel 5:

Noes has turned his back to I.V. whose feet are now free. Noes is calmly contemplating.

Noes (thought balloon):

Now I need to find something to stand on.

Panel 6:

A close up showing one of I.V.'s hands as it is pulling the shackles from the stone wall. The bolts are peeling out of the holes in the restraints.

Panel 7:

Noes is looking up curiously at the noise of I.V.'s shackles.

Panel 8:

Close up of I.V. He has freed himself from the wall and is about to pounce on Noes. I.V. looks very similar to the cat that attacked Noes on Page 18. I.V.'s fangs are showing.

Page 21:

Panel 1:

Lines of homeless people are entering a tunnel way.

Text box:

The masses are congregating Master.

Panel 2:

A close up of homeless people in line making their way towards something.

Text box:

Excellent. They may be too far beyond this world to comprehend my words...

Panel 3:

A close up of homeless people's faces as they look up to behold the whole view of the room.

Text box:

but I am sure my exhilaration will be infectious.

Panel 4:

A full view of a very massive room within the sewers. At the base all the homeless people, members of the cult, have gathered to hear Master Shard speak. A balcony is settled above the crowd stemming from one wall where Shard and his Guardians await all their members. There is a closed, large curtain behind them Shard and the Guardians. On the sides of the room waterfalls of sewage should be falling into rivers of sewage which flow away around the congregation like a moat. Random ladders and staircases should also line the walls where the waterfalls are not.

Page 22:

Panel 1:

We face Rap, Mick, Shard, Leon and Donna in that order as they stand on the balcony. Shard has is arms raised as he addresses the off panel group that has gathered on the floor of the massive room below them. The Guardians stand with their arms to their sides and all look down at the congregation save Donna who is staring off into space.

Rap (thought balloon):

One bomb's all it would take!

Mick (thought balloon):

I am so wasted right now.

Shard:

Everyone! Hear me!

Leon (thought balloon):

Do these people even know the prominence of man who stands before them?

Donna (thought balloon):

Panel 2:

We see the back of Shard's head in the immediate foreground as he overlooks the ground beneath him.

Shard:

Long have we striven to make our world a better place; a place where we could thrive instead of allowing the unenlightened to rule over our existence.

Shard:

We have suffered a world controlled by those who do not comprehend the forces around them as we do.

Panel 3:

A full view of the congregation as they look up at Shard.

Shard (off panel):

In times long ago you, my followers, my brethren, would have been praised as seers, shamans and prophets for your ability to see beyond the veil of this material plane.

Shard (off panel):

But in this modern age you have been shunned by the ignorant and hated by their lack of understanding; their utter lack for the pursuit of knowledge and the wisdom to harness the full potential of that knowledge.

Page 23:

Panel 1:

We see Shard and his Guardians from the point of view of the congregation.

Shard:

I have known, I now know, for the whole of my life that within my short span on this plane of existence I would be unable to give this world back to you.

Shard:

To undo all the injustices your kind have and will suffer at the hands of those who refrain from destroying you because of a half-realized sense of morality.

Panel 2:

Same as Panel 1 Page 22. Shard and his Guardians have stepped aside to reveal the curtain to the congregation.

Shard:

I give to you the key to all our futures! I give to you...

Panel 3:

The curtain has opened and within it I.V. is sitting on the floor below his shackles with Noes lying in front of him moaning. I.V. leans against the wall with a bloated stomach from gorging himself on Noes.

Page 24:

Panel 1:

In a darkened, smoky room we see a close up of a radio.

From the radio:

Get him!

From the radio:

Don't let him escape.

Panel 2:

Same as previous. A hand has reached down and is turning the radio off.

Panel 3:

We see a close up of a cigar that is illuminating the chin around it as the smoker puffs.

Panel 4:

A shadowy figure with a cigar hanging from his mouth leans back in his chair. He is sitting behind a desk.

Mr. Craig:

It would seem, Mr. Slice, that it is time to strike.

Mr. Slice (off panel):

Indeed Mr. Craig.

Panel 5:

Mr. Craig is sitting behind his desk still but now we can see Mr. Slice standing in front of and to the side of the desk. Mr. Slice is extinguishing his own cigar in an ashtray on the desk. Mr. Craig and Mr. Slice both wear typical, dark suits with dark ties on white shirts.

Mr. Slice:

They have found a vampire it would seem.

Mr. Craig:

It would seem so.

Mr. Craig:

The spies have been very useful to us.

Panel 6:

We face Mr. Slice who has made his way around the side of the desk and is sitting on the corner of it with one foot still touching the floor but his other foot elevated off the ground.

Mr. Slice:

Surprisingly so considering the nature of their chosen lifestyle.

Panel 7:

Mr. Craig has turned his seat to face Mr. Slice who is still sitting on the corner of the desk. Craig still smokes his cigar.

Mr. Craig:

Do you truly think Leon will come back Mr. Slice?

Mr. Slice:

I think he will. Loyal that one. Loyal enough not be the one aiding us.

Panel 8:

A close up of Mr. Craig and Mr. Slice.

Mr. Craig:

What should we do about the vampire?

Mr. Slice:

If he's smart he'll stay out of our way. If not, then not. The sewers run red in either case.

End of Issue 2
Insomniac Vampire issue three

Page 1:

Panel 1:

A younger Shard sits in an arm chair. He is leaned over and weeping into his hands.

Text box:

1975

Shard:

I'm ruined! Ruined!

Wife (off panel):

What's wrong with you now?!

Panel 2:

Same as previous. Wife has entered the panel holding a suitcase in one hand and a baby in the other. She looks very tired and angry. There is a small boy standing next to her smile with a smile on his face.

Shard:

The bank came and took all the stock from the store. They told me they've foreclosed on our house as well!

Wife:

That's ok. Your brother's better in bed any way. I'll see you in hell, loser.

Young boy:

Lo-ser! Lo-ser!

Panel 3:

A younger Shard is lying in the street with his head on the curb like it's a pillow. He is drunk and filthy. He is holding a bottle of liquor in one hand which is thrown over the top of curb.

Text box:

1976

Panel 4:

Shard is touring a homeless shelter with the director. Shard has a beard. The director is clean cut and gentle looking. They are walking through a room filled with beds and the beds are filled with other destitutes.

Text box:

1977

Director:

The shelter isn't much but its better than the streets.

Panel 5:

A scene from a movie in which two actors are kung fu fighting. One character is jump kicking the other who is blocking the kick with one hand and holding a sword in the other.

Text box:

1978

Panel 6:

Same as previous. The jump kicking character has his feet on the ground and is ducking under a sword slash from the other character.

Panel 7:

A freshly shaven, younger Shard is smiling broadly as he watches the kung fu movie.

Panel 8:

Close up of two men dressed like orderlies from a mental ward.

Orderly 1:

Do you think it's a good idea to show half-demented, frustrated homeless men violent kung fu movies?

Orderly 2:

Couldn't hurt.

Page 2:

Panel 1:

Shard is walking around the corner of a video store after they've closed for the day. It is night time and he is the only person out walking around on the street.

Text box:

1982

Panel 2:

A close up of a hand karate chopping a doorknob off the back door of the store.

Panel 3:

Inside the store Shard is practicing karate moves while watching a kung fu movie being played on TVs hanging from the ceiling.

Panel 4:

A group of homeless men are sitting in the floor of the shelter's rec room. They are all looking towards Director who stands before them breaking bad news.

Text box:

1986

Director:

Everyone I have grim news. The shelter has lost its funding and I'm afraid we must close our doors.

Panel 5:

Director is weeping. Shard has approached him and placed a comforting hand on Director's shoulder. Shard is smiling is characteristic good-natured smile.

Director:

I'm so sorry everyone.

Shard:

It is ok Rick. It is times such as these that we must keep our heads about us and trust that the greater forces in the universe will provide for our well-being.

Panel 6:

A close up of Director and Shard talking. The director has stopped weeping and looks shocked at Shard's calmness.

Director:

You've been watching way too many karate movies Shard. These people are being turned out into the streets.

Shard:

Not necessarily.

Panel 7:

A close up of Shard placing a hand over his heart.

Shard:

I have taken it upon myself to see that their unique dispositions will be nurtured in a healthy environment.

Panel 8:

Same as previous. Shard has triumphantly raised his hands into the air.

Shard:

Everyone! If you will kindly follow me I take you to your new home!

Page 3:

Panel 1:

Shard is standing in place kicking one leg into the air.

Text box:

1987

Shard:

Kick!

Panel 2:

Same as previous. Shard is punching the air with his left fist in a characteristic karate practice sort of way.

Shard:

Punch!

Panel 3:

Same as previous. Shard is jump kicking in the air.

Shard:

And into the air!

Panel 4:

Same as previous. Shard is standing in place.

Shard:

Repeat!

Panel 5:

Several homeless people are supposed to be mimicking Shard's karate moves in practice but do anything but. One guy is on his back struggling to get up, one guy is sleeping while sitting up and a pair is sitting down leaning against one another singing drunkenly.

Shard (off panel) (thought balloon):

This is not working.

Guy on His Back:

Hep meh I'm oan meh beck!

Sleeping Guy:

ZZZZZ....

Drunken Singers (add music notes):

Gaaa Boooooh

Panel 6:

The front of a VFW building.

Text box:

1989

Panel 7:

A slightly younger Leon is sitting across the table from us. He looks downtrodden. We see him through Shard's perspective who is sitting across from him.

Leon:

... and after 20 years of loyal service the man I swore to protect cast me out for another, younger version of myself.

Panel 8:

We now see Shard sitting across the table from us in the same way we saw Leon in the previous panel.

Leon (off panel):

I am so lost. It is as though I have been released from prison to a new, unknown world.

Shard:

Perhaps I could be of some service to you.

Page 4:

Panel 1:

A younger looking Rap and Mick stand side by side. Rap wears a short-sleeved Hawaiian shirt with khaki, cargo shorts. Mick is wearing a t-shirt with the sleeves cut off at the shoulders and a pair of jeans. Neither one of them looks particularly shaven or bathed.

Text box:

1990

Shard (off panel):

These are the men you spoke of?

Leon (off panel):

Yes Master.

Panel 2:

Close up of Rap.

Leon (off panel):

Rap is an ex-pilot for the military. He actually enjoyed killing people and therefore he was discharged.

Panel 3:

A close up of Mick.

Leon (off panel):

Mick is an ex-patriot who formerly worked for Irish political groups in a freelancer capacity.

Panel 4:

Shard and Leon are standing next to one another. Shard has his hands folded behind his back as he addresses Rap and Mick who are off panel.

Shard:

Gentlemen, with luck you will find these sewers more hospitable and less judgmental than your previous superiors. Welcome to your new home.

Panel 5:

Same as Panel 1 but more of a close up. Upon closer inspection we can see Rap's scared face more clearly and we can tell the Mick is a little messed up on something.

Rap:

Can you fit a plane down here?

Mick:

We're in the sewers? I had no idea.

Panel 6:

A close up of Mr. Slicer standing in an office and holding a case file.

Text box:

1998

Mr. Slicer:

Mr. Nuwast, I'm here to inform you that we have become aware of new cult activity.

Panel 7:

A close up of Mr. Nuwast sitting behind his desk. Mr. Nuwast, like Mr. Slicer and Mr. Craig, is perpetually wearing the typical black suit, white shirt and black tie combo.

Mr. Nuwast:

Cult huh? Where?

Mr. Slicer (off panel):

In a sewer system.

Mr. Nuwast:

Sewers? Gross. At least Jones had Jonestown. The sewers?

Panel 8:

A close up of the file lying open on Mr. Nuwast's desk. A picture of Leon can be seen attached to the papers inside the folder.

Mr. Slicer (off panel):

There is something in the file I think you should see.

Mr. Nuwast (off panel):

My god is that... Leon?

Page 5:

Title Page Banner (top of page above panels):

The Time is Nigh

Panel 1:

I.V. is running sluggishly down a tunnel clutching his bloated stomach.

Text Box:

Present

I.V. (thought balloon):

Man I over did it.

Panel 2:

We see I.V. from behind as he is rounding a corner leading into an adjacent tunnel.

Panel 3:

Same as previous. I.V. is peeking around the corner he just ran past.

Panel 4:

Rap and Mick are running through the tunnel in pursuit of I.V. Rap has a machine gun strapped to his back. Mick has a pair of numb chucks dangling from his belt and Rap has a pair of sai around his waist like old west pistols.

Rap:

Where'd that guy run off to?

Mick:

Hold on for a sec; I need a breather.

Panel 5:

A close up of Mick as he lights a joint.

Rap (off panel):

You're going to give away our position.

Mick:

You wanna hit this?

Panel 6:

Close up of Rap. Mick's arm can be seen passing the joint to Rap.

Rap:

Does it have angel dust in it?

Mick (off panel):

Yep.

Rap:

Then yes.

Panel 7:

Same as Panel 3 except I.V. is no longer peeking around the corner so it's just the corner itself.

I.V. (off panel) (thought balloon):

I've got to get out of here.

Panel 8:

We face I.V. in the foreground still hiding around the corner. He is looking up and into the direction of Mick and Rap as if trying to listen to them more closely. In the background Mick can be seen hitting the joint.

I.V. (thought balloon):

Those guys will be a while with that. But where the...

Panel 9:

Same as previous panel. In the background Mick is passing the joint to an off panel Rap. I.V. is now looking down and away from the pair finally realizing where he is.

Mick:

Do you feel it yet?

I.V. (thought balloon):

... am I in a sewer?! What's wrong with these people?

Page 6:

Panel 1:

Mr. Slice enters Mr. Craig's office. Mr. Craig is sitting behind his desk without his coat on. His coat is hanging from a rack near the door.

Mr. Slice:

Mr. Craig I have news. Mr. Nuwast has authorized an assault.

Mr. Craig:

Excellent Mr. Slice.

Panel 2:

Mr. Craig is rising from his desk and Mr. Slice is pulling Craig's coat off the coat rack to hand it over to him.

Mr. Craig:

Should we pull our operatives out before we move in?

Mr. Slice:

I see no point in that Mr. Craig. They are only hookers after all.

Panel 3:

Craig and Slice are walking down a hallway of an office building.

Mr. Craig:

We've gone through quite a bit of them over the years have we not Mr. Slice?

Mr. Slice:

It's not as though they'll be missed. Most of them didn't even know they were bugged.

Panel 4:

Same as previous panel.

Mr. Craig:

And those who knew of our involvement?

Mr. Slice:

We paid them in drugs which should be kept off the books in any case.

Panel 5:

Slice and Craig have stepped out onto a balcony which overlooks an airplane hanger full of soldiers gearing up for an assault. There are several hundred of them. We are looking at the scene from over Slice and Craig's shoulders so we should only see the backs of their heads in the foreground.

Mr. Slice:

But it had to be done in such a way. Our insurance does not cover venereal disease.

Mr. Craig:

Indeed Mr. Slice. How long before we're mobile?

Mr. Slice:

An hour.

Mr. Craig:

And Mr. Nuwast?

Mr. Slice:

More eager than ourselves for a successful mission.

Page 7:

Panel 1:

Shard is sticking his head into Donna's lab. Donna is behind a work table pouring liquid from one beaker to another. She is wearing her traditional lab coat and he is wearing his traditional robe. Throughout the scene in Donna's lab a bell can be heard ringing faintly.

Shard:

Donna? May I enter?

Donna:

Of course. Come in.

Sound Effect:

ring ring

Panel 2:

Donna is setting down the beakers while looking down at the table.

Donna:

How goes the vampire hunt?

Sound Effect:

ring ring

Panel 3:

Shard stands with his hands behind his back.

Shard:

No word yet. I have Mick and Rap searching for him now.

Sound Effect:

ring ring

Panel 4:

Close up of Donna speaking. She has turned her gaze up to Shard.

Donna:

There's a pair. Do you actually think they'll find him?

Sound Effect:

ring ring

Panel 5:

Shard and Donna speak to one another.

Shard:

You underestimate them Donna. They are quite talented at what they do.

Donna:

It doesn't take talent to be frequently drunk. And the only thing Rap's good at is indiscriminately killing off Mick's hookers ensuring a constant turnover of whores in our sewers.

Sound Effect:

ring ring

Panel 6:

Shard with hands behind his back speaks to an off panel Donna.

Shard:

I admit they do have their faults but they are at least loyal to our cause.

Donna (off panel):

I suppose.

Sound Effect:

ring ring

Panel 7:

Donna is looking down and away from Shard but still speaking to him.

Shard (off panel):

How goes your work Donna? Any breakthroughs?

Donna:

Lucy's doing quite well.

Sound Effect:

ring ring

Panel 8:

A dog sits in a cage with a bell hanging above her constantly ringing. She looks terrible and pathetic.

Shard (off panel):

Lucy?

Donna (off panel):

Lucy is one of my latest experiments.

Sound Effect:

ring ring

Page 8:

Panel 1:

Shard stands a few paces behind Donna who is bent down looking into the cage. They both face the cage.

Shard:

Towards gaining a method for immortality?

Donna:

The idea is to ring a bell at her for the entirety of her life. Should the bell stop she will die but so long as it rings she will theoretically live. Pavlov.

Sound Effect:

ring ring

Panel 2:

Same as previous only now Donna has turned her head towards Shard.

Shard:

Have you been successful?

Donna:

Well I have very successfully driven her mad. But she is still alive.

Shard:

How old is she?

Donna:

Two.

Sound Effect:

ring ring

Panel 3:

Shard looking at and speaking to an off panel Donna.

Shard:

Have you made any progress with our vampire?

Donna (off panel):

Without a sample I can only speculate.

Sound Effect:

ring ring

Panel 4:

Donna has stood up and has turned her back to Lucy's cage but she still stands in front of it. She speaks to an off panel Shard.

Donna:

From what little I know I can guess that the vampire's stomach acts as a device which causes any blood type, upon ingestion, to be turned... I guess you could say... neutral so that his body doesn't reject it.

Donna:

The blood cells are stripped of their regenerative properties and these stripped cells are distributed throughout the body causing all major organs to be repaired.

Lucy (off panel) (thought balloon):

That damn bell.

Sound Effect:

ring ring

Panel 5:

Shard and Donna speaking to one another.

Donna:

Blood cells do not break down like... say... a skin cell. So if the blood is cleansed or filtered of its impurities then it could feasibly take on reconstructive properties.

Shard:

So he drinks of the blood, the stomach changes it to the water within the fountain of youth...

Donna:

And then distributes these super, or maybe even hyper, nutrients to the rest of the body.

Sound Effect:

ring ring

Panel 6:

Shard stares off into space and ponders a thought while stroking his chin.

Shard:

Is there anyway of replicating this process?

Sound Effect:

ring ring

Page 9:

Panel 1:

Donna is yet again crouching down in front of Lucy's cage peering in.

Donna:

Possibly but you'd need to figure out the process itself which would probably consist of rebuilding cellular structures of the blood.

Lucy (off panel) (thought balloon):

Kill me. Mother of god take me now.

Sound Effect:

ring ring

Panel 2:

A close up of Donna glancing away from Lucy's cage towards Shard.

Donna:

Then of course you would need blood. Lots of blood.

Sound Effect:

ring ring

Panel 3:

Same as previous panel but Donna has turned her head once again towards Lucy.

Donna:

And probably some kind of dialysis machine.

Sound Effect:

ring ring

Panel 4:

A close up of Donna's hand feeding Lucy a piece of food between the bars of the cage.

Shard (off panel):

How long would one be forced to use this machine?

Donna (off panel):

Always.

Sound Effect:

ring ring

Panel 5:

A close up of Shard who has turned away from Donna and is looking towards the floor.

Shard:

Any closer to devising a way to eliminate the need for war and arms?

Donna (off panel):

No not really. I've been consumed.

Sound Effect:

ring ring

Panel 6:

Close up of Donna looking into Lucy's cage.

Shard (off panel):

By what may I ask?

Donna:

Making sure Lucy's bell is ringing.

Sound Effect:

ring ring

Panel 7:

Same as Panel 5. A voice is buzzing from a communicator within Shards robe at waist level.

Shard:

I see.

Communicator Buzz:

Master?

Sound Effect:

ring ring

Panel 8:

Same as previous panel. Shard has pulled the communicator from his pocket/robe and is listening/speaking into it.

Shard:

Yes Leon?

Leon (over communicator):

The recruits are here Master.

Shard:

I'll be right there.

Sound Effect:

ring ring

Panel 9:

We face Donna who, in the foreground, is staring into Lucy's cage. We also see the top corner of the cage just to show what she's doing in case anyone has forgotten. Shard, who we also face, is speaking to the back of Donna's head from the background.

Shard:

If you'll excuse me Donna I must be off.

Donna:

Sure.

Shard:

And do keep me posted if... well... I suppose if the bell ceases to ring.

Donna:

Will do.

Sound Effect:

ring ring

Page 10:

Panel 1:

Mick and Rap are walking down a tunnel talking amongst themselves. Both look straight ahead. They walk to the left.

Mick:

I can't believe you like that.

Rap:

Hey it feels good.

Panel 2:

Same as previous panel. Mick has turned his head to look at Rap who still looks straight ahead.

Mick:

But what if you...

Rap:

That's what the lemon's for. Wakes you right up.

Panel 3:

Same as previous panel. Both look straight ahead.

Mick:

Crazy man.

Rap:

Where the hell is this guy?

Panel 4:

I.V. is leaning against a wall with his hands resting on his thighs catching his breath. He hears Mick and Rap talking and is looking in their direction (right) with a surprised look on his face.

Mick (off panel):

Is that...?

I.V.:

Oh hell!

Panel 5:

A close up of I.V.'s feet as he is splashing through a puddle.

Panel 6:

A close up of a machine gun Rap is holding at his waist pointing in I.V.'s direction (left).

Rap (off panel):

I'm onnit.

Panel 7:

Same as previous panel. The machine gun is firing.

Mick (off panel):

Ahhh! Stop! Stop!

Panel 8:

Rap and Mick together. Rap has stopped firing and Mick is shouting at him with his hands covering his ears.

Rap:

What?!

Mick:

I'm gonna go deaf! That shit just echoes in here man!

Panel 9:

Same as previous panel. Rap has lowered the barrel of the gun and Mick has lowered his hands from his ears.

Rap:

What am I supposed to do?

Mick:

Use those sais Leon gave you.

Rap:

What am I going to do open his letters for him?

Page 11:

Panel 1:

Shard and Leon are standing next to one another looking over a group of around 10 homeless people a.k.a. new recruits.

Shard:

How do they look Leon?

Leon:

As good as any of the others. I must confess that this could have waited Master. I should be out looking for the vampire.

Shard:

We must continue to gather our flock Leon. Rap and Mick can manage.

Panel 2:

Shard speaking to an off panel crowd of men. His hands are folded behind his back.

Shard:

Hello everyone. Welcome to our sewers, our home.

Panel 3:

A close up of Shard with his hands in the air in a welcoming manner. He wears his smile.

Shard:

My name is Shard and I welcome you with open arms. Here you will be treated with kindness, grace and...

Panel 4:

Same as previous panel. The smile is creeping off his face and his arms are in the process of lowering.

Shard:

What is that on your shirt?

Panel 5:

A close up of a homeless man in the front of the group. He is wearing a shirt with the Sofa King logo and a picture which has a man standing on it but we can't make it out in detail (see Page 12 Panel 3).

Panel 6:

Shard has approached the homeless man in the Sofa King shirt and is yelling at him frantically.

Shard:

What is your allegiance to him?!

Panel 7:

Shard slaps the homeless man.

Page 12:

Panel 1:

Shard yelling at the homeless man in the Sofa King shirt.

Shard:

Answer me!

Homeless Man:

Issa shirt mane! Jussa shirt!

Panel 2:

Shard stares at the man evilly.

Panel 3:

A close up of the Sofa King shirt in question. We see Shard's finger pointing at it. There is a Sofa King logo, just the words written in an advertising font, and a picture of a tall, obese man sitting in the center of a sofa surrounded by beautiful, harem-like women. He wears only a crown, a Speedo and the smile on his face. The King's arms are resting across the back of the couch and his legs are spread wide. One of the women is holding grapes ready to feed them to the King from behind the sofa, two of the women stand on the sides of the sofa fanning him with large feathers and the rest of the women coo over him. At the bottom of the shirt it reads: Let Thy Sofa Be Thy Thrown.

Shard:

Do you know this man?! What he is capable of?!

Panel 4:

This will be a montage panel of sorts. In the lower left corner we see Shard's head as he reminisces about the Sofa King. The rest of the panel will have three pictures of Shard in various states of distress which he holds the Sofa King responsible for. The Sofa King himself is towering over all three states of distress with his arms in the air while sinisterly laughing at the three pictures of Shard. The Sofa King is a fat man who wears a fur robe and a typical looking crown on his head. He also has a mammoth gold necklace with a non-descript gold medallion as a pendant.

Shard's first state of distress is him on his knees weeping into his hands. The second he is standing upright with a gun to his own head while crying through closed eyes. The third is Shard on his knees facing a random guy who is unzipping his fly. Each state of distress has a Text Box underneath it.

Shard:

The Sofa King ruined me.

Sofa King:

Mwahahahahaha!

Distress 1 (text box):

He ruined my furniture business.

Distress 2 (sound effect):

*gun makes a clicking sound*

Distress 2 (text box):

Drove me to the brink of the unknown.

Distress 3 (Man unzipping fly):

Hey you want the cheeseburger don't you?

Distress 3 (sound effect):

*zipper makes a zipping sound*

Distress 3 (text box):

Robbed me of my dignity.

Panel 5:

Shard stands in the foreground looking at the floor sadly. Leon is approaching from the background looking at Shard with concern.

Shard:

Alas, were it not for the Sofa King I would not be the man I am today.

Panel 6:

Same as previous panel. Leon is by Shard's side now. Shard is looking up into the sky more optimistically.

Shard:

I should be thankful for his evil for without it I would not have received my divinity. Though he destroyed who I was he made me what I am.

Panel 7:

Same as previous panel. Shard has turned to look at Leon who is speaking to him. Shard's smile has returned to him.

Leon:

What shall I do with the man in the Sofa King shirt Master?

Shard:

Kill him.

Page 13:

Panel 1:

A close up of an old, framed picture of Leon being held by an off panel Nuwast.

Mr. Nuwast (off panel) (thought balloon):

Leon, my Leon. Why have you flown so far?

Panel 2:

We see Nuwast's back in the foreground as he sits behind a desk in his office. In the background is the door to his office. The door is being opened and knocked on simultaneously by Craig and Slicer who can be seen walking through the door. Nuwast is startled by their entrance and is hurriedly pulling open a desk drawer to hide the picture of Leon.

Mr. Nuwast:

Just a... come in. Come in.

Panel 3:

Craig and Slicer have entered the office and stand in front of Nuwast's desk. We see their backs in the foreground as they look down at the seated Nuwast who we can see from in between Craig and Slicer. Nuwast looks nervous and is sweating.

Mr. Craig:

The men are ready to mobilize Mr. Nuwast.

Mr. Slicer:

We only wait... your... what's wrong?

Panel 4:

A close up of Nuwast's sweating face.

Mr. Nuwast:

Well I was... urm...

Panel 5:

Same as previous. Nuwast clears his throat and drops the nervousness from his face.

Mr. Nuwast (sound effect):

*Ahem*

Panel 6:

Nuwast has risen from his desk. We see his back as he looks down on Slicer and Craig who are shorter than he is and can be seen on either side of Nuwast. They both visibly look up at him.

Mr. Nuwast:

The business I conduct in my office is my own affair. I mean, it's private. Secret! Top secret is what it is.

Panel 7:

Craig, Slicer and Nuwast all pictured. Nuwast is still on the other side of the desk from Craig and Slicer and he is straightening up his tie.

Mr. Nuwast:

We are ready then?

Mr. Slicer:

We are.

Mr. Nuwast:

Then let's get this done.

Mr. Craig:

A wise decision Mr. Nuwast.

Page 14:

Panel 1:

A stream of sewage water.

Panel 2:

Same as previous panel. I.V.'s face has broken the surface. We see only his eyes, forehead and the bridge of his nose. He looks forward.

Panel 3:

Same as previous panel. A gun barrel is pointing at I.V.'s head and his eyes are trained on it.

Panel 4:

Rap has a gun pointed at I.V.'s head as I.V. is rising out of the water with his hands on his head.

Rap:

Out of the water. Nice and easy. Easy, breezy, beautiful.

Panel 5:

A close up of Mick and Rap. Mick is standing behind Rap with a broad smile on his face.

Mick:

What did you just say?!

Rap:

Shut up! It's catchy I can't help it.

Mick:

What a woman you are.

Panel 6:

We face Mick, Rap and I.V. as they march I.V. at gunpoint down a tunnel. I.V. walks in front of them.

Mick:

Hey man, did you ever get that 'unclean' feeling?

Rap:

Shut up Mick.

Panel 7:

Same as previous panel. Mick has his hands up to his mouth shouting up and in the opposite direction of Rap. Rap looks surprisingly calm about it.

Mick:

Vin-e-gar!

Rap:

Stop it Mick.

Panel 8:

Same as previous panel. Mick is shouting up and in the direction of Rap.

Mick:

Wa-ter!

Rap:

Mick.

Panel 9:

Same as previous panel. Rap is shooting Mick in the shoulder as Mick is attempting to shout something else straight up into the air.

Mick:

Doucaaahhhhhh!

Page 15:

Panel 1:

A close up of a photograph. A younger Shard is beaming happily with a group of homeless people. This is the original group of people he took to the sewers with him. Shard is the only person looking at the camera and smiling. Most of the homeless people are staring off into space or looking in another direction and at least one of them has his hand down his pants.

Panel 2:

Same as previous panel with the perspective pulled away just a little. We can also see some of the back of Shard's head in the foreground to show that he is the one looking at the photo hanging on the wall.

Shard:

Ah the old group. My alma mater.

Panel 3:

Same as previous panel with the perspective pulled away even further.

Shard:

We were all so innocent then. The world had not yet gotten to many of us.

Panel 4:

Shard has turned around and is pointing at the picture. He is speaking to Leon who is not in the panel.

Shard:

These were the first; those who I drew my courage from, those who gave me the will to lead.

Panel 5:

Leon is listening to an off panel Shard. He has his ever present sword sheathed and hanging on his back.

Shard (off panel):

Do you tire of my remembrances?

Leon:

Of course not Master.

Panel 6:

Shard is pulling the chair out from behind his desk so that he may sit down.

Shard:

I have another story I can share which may perhaps break the monotony a bit.

Panel 7:

Mick is crawling on his hands and knees through a tunnel within the sewers. Shard is a few paces behind him with his hands patiently behind his back.

Text Box:

One night, nearly a decade after you and I had met one another, I was walking the tunnels and happened upon Mick. He was in quite a state yet he was not vomiting so I did not think him drunk.

Mick:

These walls look so crazy man.

Panel 8:

A close up of Mick crawling on the ground. His face looks crazed and his eyes are bugging out. The floor he crawls on is a walk way which follows a stream of sewage. Mick is looking into the water.

Text Box:

I watched him for a rather long time without his awareness of my presence. His behavior was truly beguiling.

Mick:

This water. It's so crazy. And, oh man, it's a headless and tailless fish. Oh man.

Page 16:

Panel 1:

Same as Panel 7 from previous page. Mick has realized that Shard is behind him and is letting out a blood curdling scream.

Text Box:

I finally revealed myself to him. After several attempts at ensuring him of my actual existence I questioned him on his mood.

Mick:

AHHHHH!

Panel 2:

Mick is handing a sheet of acid to Shard.

Text Box:

He had told me of his acquisition of "some great shit". Mick then handed me a sheet of stamps to inspect. I had not noticed at the time that my palms were quite sweaty.

Panel 3:

Mick, in a state of panic, is trying to beg Shard to do something. Shard is shrugging his shoulders pleasantly.

Text Box:

Mick had noticed the ink from the stamps on my hand and told me to find a womb as quickly as I could.

Shard:

I have a room already Mick.

Panel 4:

Shard casually walking away from Mick with his hands behind his back.

Text Box:

I left Mick to his devices and made my way back to my chamber.

Panel 5:

A close up of Shard's hand reaching for a melted door knob.

Text Box:

Upon returning to my chamber I noticed that the door knob looked as though it had been melted.

Panel 6:

Shard is looking at the wall of his bedchamber as the lines between the bricks are swaying and moving about.

Text Box:

Within my room the mortar lines in the brickwork had become lively; they looked like blood vessels flowing downstream to the floor.

Panel 7:

Shard is standing in his room. Everything around him has begun to sway and lose its solidified shape. Even the air around him appears to be tangible.

Text Box:

Only an hour after I left his presence I had begun to feel the effects of what Mick would later tell me was "a heroic dose".

Page 17:

Panel 1:

Shard is lying on his side in the floor with his arms holding his knees to his chest. He has a look of terror on his face.

Text Box:

My mind floated through the ether and I saw the world as it should be. An earthly paradise was in my gaze where humanity was not concerned with the material and there was no hate to be found.

Panel 2:

Same as previous panel. Shard's lips have parted and we see that he is aggressively grinding his teeth to the point that little bits of teeth are falling out of his mouth.

Text Box:

I was at peace. I had received the power of the third person and I witnessed a world filled with love. I finally knew what true beauty meant and I felt as though I were a part of it.

Panel 3:

Shard pacing up and down his room.

Text Box:

After what felt like a lifetime my soul filled my body once more and brought with it from the other side an ambition which I have never felt in the whole of my life.

Panel 4:

Shard sitting in the floor furiously scribbling on paper. There are piles of papers strewn all about him.

Text Box:

For days I could not sleep. I did not eat. I rarely felt myself blink. But my mind raced with enlightenment and a new perspective on everything. So much was accomplished during those sleepless days.

Panel 5:

Shard sitting behind is desk in present time once more.

Shard:

It was then that I saw our followers' gifts for what they were. It was then that I realized their connection with god.

Panel 6:

Same as previous panel.

Shard:

I knew they spoke with beings that I could at last consort with. I also knew that...

Panel 7:

Same as previous panel. Shard is looking away from the off panel Leon to a noise he has heard outside his office. He has a curious look on his face.

Shard:

Did you hear something?

Page 18:

Panel 1:

Same as Panel 4 Page 21 of previous issue. The large congregation hall. The army has blown a massive hole in one of the walls and has begun to infiltrate. Though there is no one in the hall except troops most of the soldiers are still randomly firing assault weapons.

Panel 2:

Soldiers are seen marching into and through the hall.

Panel 3:

Slice and Craig have walked through and are standing next to the massive hole in the wall.

Mr. Slice:

Take back the sewers men!

Mr. Craig (to Mr. Slice):

Well... at least take the sewers away from Shard. I can't say I want them very much. Do you?

Page 19:

Panel 1:

Shard and Leon have made their way to the massive chamber and look on as soldiers run around blowing stuff up and shooting the walls. We see the army's actions from over Shard and Leon's shoulders. They stand on the balcony where Shard's speech was given in the last issue.

Panel 2:

We face Shard and Leon as they stand and watch the off panel mayhem brought about by the army. Rap approaches from behind them with I.V. still at gunpoint.

Panel 3:

I.V. has his hands on his head and Rap is holding him at gunpoint. Rap is looking at I.V.

Rap:

Hey guys I...

Panel 4:

Same as previous panel. I.V. is disappearing from his clothes with a poof. The clothing is still in the same position it was in the previous panel but there's a puff of smoke inside them. Rap has turned his head to see the mayhem in the main hall.

I.V.'s Clothing (sound effect):

*poof*

Rap:

Oh man this is bad.

Panel 5:

Same as previous panel. Clothing has dropped to the floor out of our sight and Rap is looking down at them. A bat can be seen flying away.

Rap:

Damn it!

Panel 6:

Shard, Rap and Leon all pictured. Shard has run behind Rap and Leon in pursuit of I.V. in bat form. Rap and Leon watch Shard run with blank faces. I.V. in bat form can be seen just out of Shard's grasp.

Panel 7:

Rap and Leon are talking to one another. Rap is looking up and away from Leon with an innocent look on his face. Leon looks urgent in his questioning.

Leon:

Quickly Rap, where's Mick?!

Rap:

Umm...

Panel 8:

Mick sitting against a tunnel wall looking dazed. His shoulder is bloody.

Mick (thought balloon):

You know if I wasn't so high I bet this would hurt like a dicking.

Page 20:

Panel 1:

Shard happily catches I.V. in bat form by the wings.

Shard:

Ha HA!

Panel 2:

Same as previous panel. I.V. in bat form has been replaced by a puff of smoke.

Shard:

I have you now you...

I.V. (sound effect):

*poof*

Panel 3:

A naked I.V., who Shard is holding by the arms, is head butting Shard in the face.

Panel 4:

I.V. is smiling at Shard. Shard is holding his injured face.

I.V.:

HA! What's the matter? Never been head butted by a naked...

Panel 5:

Shard karate chops I.V. in the face.

Panel 6:

Shard jump kicks I.V. in the face. I.V. has only started to raise his hands to his face from the chop, it happens that quickly.

Panel 7:

I.V. staggers a few steps away from Shard and holds his face. Shard is in a karate pose preparing to strike the naked I.V. once again.

I.V.:

Orrhgh! What did you do?! Jesus!

Shard:

Your immortality will be mine vampire!

Panel 8:

I.V. is bent down and away from Shard who still stands in his karate pose. I.V. has lowered his hands from his face and is bleeding.

I.V.:

Why?!

Shard:

Because you are vital to my plans.

I.V.:

No why did you kick me?! That hurt.

Page 21:

Panel 1:

Rap, holding his machine gun, and Leon, with his sword still sheathed, look out over the off panel destruction brought on by the army who is still just shooting the walls.

Rap:

Leon we have to do something!

Leon:

Is that...

Panel 2:

Mr. Nuwast is crossing the blast hole into the main hall.

Panel 3:

Rap is walking in one direction as Leon is making his way behind the curtain so he can make his way down to Nuwast.

Rap:

I may just have a plan.

Panel 4:

Donna appears on the balcony in Leon and Rap's wake. She looks excitedly angrily.

Donna:

What is all the...?!

Panel 5:

Donna has instantly calmed down once she has seen what's going on in the main hall. She has begun backing away from the balcony's edge.

Donna:

Oh. I... ur... have a bell to ring.

Panel 6:

The balcony is empty.

Panel 7:

Rap is in his room digging through piles of his things, mostly exercise equipment. A noose can be seen hanging in the background.

Rap (thought balloon):

Where did I...

Panel 8:

Rap is looking up at a large, crumpled up object (it looks like a folded up tent).

Rap:

Aha!

Panel 9:

Rap is ripping off his clothes.

Rap (thought balloon):

They'll never know what hit them!

Page 22:

Panel 1:

I.V. has his hands pointed at Shard in that 'take it easy man' sort of way. Shard is still in karate stance.

I.V.:

Why are you doing this to me?!

Shard:

I need your immortality to wait for world peace; impossible within my own lifetime. And I need your sleeplessness to increase my productivity.

Panel 2:

Same as previous panel.

Shard:

And once I have them I will use your abilities to take over the world!!!

I.V.:

Wait. That's it? Take over the world? Isn't that a little clichéd?

Panel 3:

Same as previous panel. I.V. has lowered his hands feeling that through Shard's near-sighted beliefs he no longer poses a threat. I.V. is of course still naked.

I.V.:

I mean, who would want the world anyway? What would you do with something like that?

Shard:

Um... I would...

I.V.:

By the time you got your hands on it it'll be so polluted and used up it won't be worth having anyway.

Panel 4:

Same as previous panel. Shard has stood upright out of his attack pose.

I.V.:

And you're waiting on world peace?

Shard:

My plan's no good if I have to go up against an army of any nation.

I.V.:

World peace is sort of a tough act to follow. I mean, how do you improve on that?

Panel 5:

In the background soldiers can be seen. They are talking amongst themselves and have stopped firing. Off to the side in the foreground a nude Rap with a hang glider strapped to his back and is diving off the oratorical balcony with his machine guns pointed towards the troops.

Soldier 1:

The walls are pretty shot up. What now?

Soldier 2:

Yeah. There's nobody around to shoot.

Rap:

DEATH FROM ABOVE!

Panel 6:

We see only gun barrels. All are pointing in the air to an off panel Rap and all are firing.

Page 23:

Panel 1:

Leon and Nuwast are facing one another on the battlefield separated only by a few paces.

Panel 2:

Same as previous panel. Leon is clutching the handle of his still sheathed sword but his hand is shaking violently.

Panel 3:

Leon and Nuwast are kissing passionately.

Panel 4:

Mr. Craig and Mr. Slice are talking amongst themselves. They have made their way up to the oratorical balcony.

Mr. Slice:

Have we completed the mission?

Mr. Craig:

We should evaluate the situation.

Panel 5:

Soldiers are looking down on a nude, bullet-ridden Rap.

Panel 6:

A nude I.V. and a robed Shard are standing in the distance talking to one another. Shard has his hand on his own hip. They stand in the same room I.V. was shackled in.

Panel 7:

Same as Panel 3 only a distanced view. Nuwast is clutching Leon's butt cheek with one hand as they neck.

Panel 8:

Craig and Slicer are looking down at something to their side.

Mr. Slicer:

Who is that?

Panel 9:

A nude Professor Noes is lying on the ground in a pool of his own blood moaning semi-consciously.

Mr. Craig (off panel):

Did they take his clothes as a form of torture?

Mr. Slicer (off panel):

I have become concerned about the nature of this mission.

Page 24:

Panel 1:

A scenic panel of a New England bay community. We see where the water meets the bay and piers with docked boats line that bay. On land many two and three story houses can be seen all surrounded by trees and foliage.

Text Box 1:

Epilogue

Text Box 2:

Mr. Nuwast and Leon retired to a quiet New England town where they have two dogs and sail as much as time will allow.

Panel 2:

Mr. Slice and Mr. Craig drinking in a bar together. They look at one another.

Text Box:

After that night in the sewers Mr. Slice and Mr. Craig decided to put their heterosexuality to the test. They never spoke to one another again.

Panel 3:

The Sofa King and Shard are talking to one another on the showroom floor of the Sofa King's furniture store. The Sofa King is knighting a bowed Shard with a sword.

Text Box:

Having some sense talked into him Shard humbled himself and asked the Sofa King for a job.

Panel 4:

Donna and Mick talking to one another. Mick is looking at Donna and Donna is staring off into space thoughtfully.

Text Box:

Donna and Mick's whereabouts are unknown.

Mick:

A few hours of work and you'll have funding for a month.

Donna:

Well...

Panel 5:

Rap's corpse with the hang glider still attached to his back.

Text Box:

Rap is still dead.

Panel 6:

Noes is walking around in the shackle room naked and embarrassed with his hands between his legs. A few homeless people can be seen walking around paying him no attention.

Text Box:

Professor Noes still does not know for sure who took his clothes.

Noes:

Don't look I'm shy.

Panel 7:

Random homeless people walking through alleyways.

Text Box:

The homeless disbanded and remain ignored the world over.

Panel 8:

We see the top of a manhole cover and hear a thump as something strikes it from underneath.

Text Box:

And the vampire in question...

Sewer Lid (sound effect):

*thump*

Panel 9:

Same as previous panel. The lid is being pushed up and away from the hole and we see I.V.'s two arms doing the pushing.

I.V. (off panel):

Damn wings too weak for anything.

End of Issue 3
Xtras
Jimmy and the Caretaker

Page One (seven panels)

Panel 1:

The entire panel is only text written in the font from the X-Files series.

TEXT:

1x11 Fire

Cecil Lively has the ability to ignite flammable liquids with his mind. His psychotic behavior leads him to kill random members of British aristocracy for pleasure. His final target, Sir Malcomb Marsden has two young boys who are placed in harm's way several times before Lively's eventual arrest.

This story involves Jimmy, one of Sir Malcomb's children, and the ramifications of Jimmy's encounter with Cecil L'Ively.

Panel 2:

Jimmy, aged 15, stands alone in the woods staring at a small bonfire he has built. He has a blank expression on his face. Jimmy more looks into the fire than at it.

CAPTION:

Age 15.

CAPTION:

I love fire.

CAPTION:

There's a lot of talk about the purifying nature of fire and there's a lot of talk about the destructive nature of fire but I don't care about any of that.

CAPTION:

Fire is warmth. Fire is chaos.

CAPTION:

I could watch it for hours as it jumps without jumping and moves without changing place.

Panel 3:

A close up of someone pouring kerosene from a lantern onto the toe of a tennis shoe. This takes place in the woods but not the woods from the previous panel.

CAPTION:

Age 9.

CAPTION:

My parents, fearing me maladjusted, went through a phase of asking their friends to allow me to spend time with their children.

Panel 4:

A younger version of Jimmy stands next to another boy of the same age. They are camping in the woods together with several other boys. Jimmy talks to the other boy in a calm manner. The other boy listens to Jimmy apprehensively; as though he's only humoring Jimmy.

CAPTION:

It is amazing how seldom people look at other people's shoes.

Panel 5:

Same as previous panel. Other boy is looking down at Jimmy's feet with a look of shock on his face. Jimmy is laughing and very successfully creeping out the other boy.

CAPTION:

I burned through a lot of shoelaces in that way. It wasn't long before my parents' friends started saying no to them.

Panel 6:

Same time period as Panel 2. Jimmy places sticks into the fire. He does so a reverence that few religions successfully evoke from their followers.

CAPTION:

But that was long ago and years before the daily fire.

CAPTION:

Fire never changes because it is constantly changing. This is what makes it one of the four elements of this world -- remaining the same through constant change. People are naturally predisposed to one of the four elements and I have always felt drawn to fire.

Panel 7:

A close up view of the flames of the fire. Not the sticks burning or the stones around the fire containing it but only the fire itself.

CAPTION:

I knew a man once who could make fire come out of his fingertips.

CAPTION:

When I was 6 he tried to kill me.

CAPTION:

But that was long ago and years before I'd ever dreamt of the big fire.

Page Two (seven panels)

Panel 1:

Jimmy, eight years old, and his brother Michael have started a small fire in the middle of Jimmy's bedroom floor. It was built using construction paper and toys. They are huddled around the fire looking down at it. We see them from behind as though we stand over them but are a few paces away. We do not need to see the fire itself but lighting effects from the jumping flames and black smoke issuing from in front of them should be visible.

CAPTION:

Age 8.

CAPTION:

I started my first fire with the help of my brother Michael. I needed him there for the courage to follow through with it. I knew if he was there I wouldn't chicken out again.

CAPTION:

The plastic toys burned brilliantly giving off an odd, green flame that was well worth the stench.

CAPTION:

We both had to be taken to the hospital when the fire grew out of our control.

Panel 2:

A psychiatrist sits in a chair in his office reading from a folder. He looks as though he is in his early 40s. He is bald and wears glasses but seems to be in wonderful shape for his age and probably has a strict diet plan for himself to keep the wrinkles away. His chair is next to his patient's couch in a typical psychiatrist's office furniture arrangement. He sits next to an off panel Jimmy who lies on the sofa.

CAPTION:

After Michael told our parents the fire was my idea my father began sending me to a doctor.

CAPTION:

Dr. Rossing was a nice man from what I remember of him. For one hour twice a week I would sit in his office which smelled of cedar and he would ask me questions.

CAPTION:

I would never learn what my answers told him about me. I was too young to be informed of my own condition.

Panel 3:

It is daylight. With the stick he holds in his hand a 12 year old Jimmy is knelt next to and pushes around the logs of a fire which he has built. He is in the woods and looks happy.

CAPTION:

Age 12.

CAPTION:

The water in a frog's belly will occasionally hiss when burned.

Panel 4:

Same as previous panel. We now see a 13 year old Jimmy doing exactly the same thing as the previous panel. He has a studious look on his face.

CAPTION:

Age 13.

CAPTION:

If you wish to burn a hare its legs should first be broken to prevent it from bolting out of the flames.

Panel 5:

Same as previous panel. We now see a 15 year old Jimmy doing exactly the same thing as the previous two panels. He has a blank expression on his face.

CAPTION:

Age 15.

CAPTION:

The daily fires have burned for four years.

Panel 6:

We see a man in a lab coat walking through a door which he has opened. The door looks as though it belongs in an office building or a doctor's office.

CAPTION:

I have never met Cecil L'Ively and yet I cannot help but respect him -- even idolize him.

CAPTION:

He loved fire like I love fire. He knew fire better than anyone I have ever met.

CAPTION:

I've tried to find him over the years but so far as I can tell he has disappeared off the face of the earth.

Panel 7:

Same as previous panel only now the door has shut. It is labeled "10731 -- No Flammable Liquids".

CAPTION:

I watched him burn -- consumed in flames he laughed and mocked all who could hear him.

CAPTION:

He burned and burned and yet he survived. The fire loved him back.

CAPTION:

The police came and he was taken away in an ambulance never to be heard from again.

Page Three (seven panels)

Panel 1:

Dr. Rossing is ushering an 11 year old Jimmy out of his office and into the waiting room. Rossing looks and speaks to Jimmy's mother who had been waiting in the waiting room.

CAPTION:

For years I saw Dr. Rossing. For years he asked me about school, my parents, the friends I never made, the toys that no longer interested me -- week after week and year after year he asked me questions never once attempting to have a real conversation with me.

Panel 2:

Jimmy sits alone in the waiting room looking down at his lap and softly kicking his feet back and forth waiting on his mother to finish speaking with Dr. Rossing.

CAPTION:

To this day I do not know what Dr. Rossing may or may not have told my mother during their private meetings. All I do know is at times they were in his office discussing my emotional state for over an hour.

CAPTION:

I was left to sit alone without even the receptionist to talk to -- she always seemed to be out to lunch after my appointments.

Panel 3:

Jimmy, aged 16, walks through a group of teenagers in front of a private school. He is expressionless. All the students wear uniforms. Either the front of the school itself should be visible in some way or there should be a statue acting as a landmark. The end of the story involves the school and I just want it to be recognizable. See Page 4 Panel 4 for the only other time this part of the school will be featured.

CAPTION:

Age 16.

CAPTION:

No one ever bothers me here. Some kids get taunted for being quiet like I'm quiet but no one ever even speaks to me.

CAPTION:

Animals can sense disaster before it occurs. Horses go mad before a tornado, rats will flee a sinking ship and no one here ever talks to me.

Panel 4:

Jimmy sits in a classroom desk staring down at a blank piece of paper before him.

CAPTION:

Every day I look forward to the fire I build every day.

CAPTION:

I plot out shortcuts in my routine so I can get to the woods sooner and stay there longer.

CAPTION:

I have four sections cleared away in my woods for the fire and I daydream about where I will place the fifth. Sometimes I even fantasize about a fire getting away from me and how I would not attempt to stop it.

Panel 5:

Jimmy, still sitting at his desk, has turned his head to look out the windows within the classroom.

CAPTION:

Rain.

CAPTION:

I wonder if there is more gasoline in the garage or if I'll have to siphon it from one of the cars again.

Panel 6:

We see a window in the classroom from Jimmy's point of view. Outside the window rain is pouring down.

CAPTION:

There's a small creek that runs through the woods behind my house.

CAPTION:

When it rains the creek becomes a stream.

Panel 7:

From outside the window we see Jimmy looking outside at the rain. He looks content as he daydreams.

CAPTION:

When gas is poured into a stream it remains at the surface of the water and when ignited the flame flows just as the water flows.

CAPTION:

I love the rain for that.

Page Four (four panels)

Panel 1:

Jimmy is on a rooftop at night. He is feeding a thin, metal pipe down into a wall. The pipe has had small holes meticulously drilled into it.

CAPTION:

Many ancient cultures had eternally burning flames which symbolized their undying gods.

Panel 2:

Jimmy walks backwards from the pipe he has just placed in the wall. A hose has been connected to the top of the pipe and Jimmy is stringing the hose along towards the center of the roof. We see this from an overhead view and from our perspective we can see that in the center of the roof is a propane tank. We can also see that Jimmy has already placed six other pipes in various sections of the walls and he has already strung the hosing from those pipes to the center of the roof where they are connected to the propane tank.

CAPTION:

Those who cared for the fire were instructed to never let it die away and were promised death should they ever fail in their duties.

Panel 3:

A close up of the propane tank. One master hose is connect to the nozzle which leads to the ends of the other hoses where they are all connected crudely with duct tape. Jimmy's hand can be seen turning the valve on the tank.

CAPTION:

Propane is a wonderful thing and ideal for this work.

Panel 4:

We see a large image of Jimmy's school. It is a two-storied, regal looking building probably erected in the late eighteenth century. It has been set ablaze and is in the prime of its burning. All walls are being consuming. The windows have blown out and flames dance from the open spaces which glass once occupied. The fire is raging in a spectacular fashion. Smoke billows from the burning building creating dark clouds which are lower to the earth than any cloud should rightly be. One can become hypnotized in those clouds. They are black enough to choke an entire community but still beautiful enough to be admired from afar; like the beauty to be found in the eruption of a volcano even with the knowledge that that volcano is wiping out an entire civilization.

Nothing is more awe-inspiring than this fire at this moment in history.

Jimmy stands in the foreground with his back to us watching his fire.

CAPTION:

I do not live in those bygone times.

CAPTION:

Modern man has killed all our ancient gods and extinguished every last living remnant of their influence.

CAPTION:

This is my oaken fire.

CAPTION:

This is my Vestal flame.

CAPTION:

I know this can not and will not go on -- but god how I wish it could.

CAPTION:

If only I could live in this moment forever.

The End
Jim and Liz

Page One (six panels)

Panel 1:

The entire panel is only text written in the font from the X-Files series.

TEXT:

1x12 Beyond the Sea

Teenagers Elizabeth Hawley and James Summers were abducted by a man who attempted to relive the death of his mother and high school sweetheart by inflicting his pain on others during the anniversary of their simultaneous deaths. The teens were eventually rescued through the efforts of a psychic, death row inmate.

Six years later Jim and Liz still struggle to cope with the life-changing events and a life lived apart from one another.

Panel 2:

A close up of Liz looking through her drawn blinds to the outside world. It is daylight and she must squint to see out into the light; unacquainted with the bright afternoon sun as she is. Her fingers push apart the blades with an air of aggressive contempt at the world progressing around her.

Reference for Liz can be taken from the episode especially just after she is rescued and is identifying her kidnapper while in the hospital. Sans the bruising of course. Just remember this story takes place six years after the abduction and though it has only been six years Liz's face looks to have aged 10 years.

CAPTION:

They're trimming the trees again.

CAPTION:

Cutting back the branches so a vulgar, unkempt goliath can remain in a world which prides itself on congruency.

CAPTION:

They keep its truth buried away so it can fit into the every day.

Panel 2:

Jim is standing in the bucket of a tree trimming truck. He wears a hard hat and an orange safety vest over a long-sleeved, button up shirt. Though we can't see it in this panel because of the bucket he stands in he is also wearing jeans and work boots.

In this panel Jim is sawing branches off of a large tree. He wears safety glasses over his eyes; eyes which hold the dull, zoned out look that the rest of his face carries. Jim's refuge is in his work and he appreciates the occupation of his mind with menial labor. No thought required; only his attention.

Jim can be referenced very well by the abduction itself in the beginning of the episode. Just remember this story takes place six years after the abduction and though it has only been six years Jim's face looks to have aged 12 years.

CAPTION:

Jim is ok.

CAPTION:

Jim likes his job.

CAPTION:

Jim doesn't have to think about his job to his job.

Panel 3:

We see a small, leafy branch falling down to the pavement from an overhead vantage point; as though Jim were looking down from the bucket making sure the cut branch falls to the proper place for collection. We can partially see the trimmer truck and we can see other branches which have already been cut and have fallen to the pavement. Along with the truck and the cut branches we can see part of a small wood chipper which is towed behind the truck and is used to turn the trimmings into mulch.

CAPTION:

Jim doesn't like to think about things.

CAPTION:

When Jim begins thinking about things his mind always... goes back... to...

CAPTION:

Jim loves his wife Sally.

CAPTION:

Sally is pregnant again. Sally's needy and emotional but Jim doesn't mind.

CAPTION:

Jim loves the mother of his children.

Panel 4:

We are peering out through the shades of Liz's window once again. Two people walk along the sidewalk passing the tree trimming truck and the trimmers. They are a man and a woman who both wear business suits. The nature of the relationship is indecipherable from their body language. The tree trimmers should be just as much of background as the trees themselves keeping our focal point on the man and woman. The bucket of the truck has been lowered and the two men pick up the cut branches. Liz does not know and we never blatantly acknowledge that Jim is one of the trimmers.

CAPTION:

That terrible normalcy.

CAPTION:

That unwavering desire to do that which comes most easily instead of that which comes most naturally.

CAPTION:

Those faceless masses who could be anyone and is everyone.

Panel 6:

Same as Panel 1. Liz has pulled her fingers out of the blinds and looks down and away from the window.

CAPTION:

She was glad she knew what that life would hold -- glad at the awful knowledge afforded her by her encounter with a viciously abnormal occurrence.

CAPTION:

But though the price paid was high she was glad to have paid it even if it was not her choosing to do so.

CAPTION:

That life, the life she would have had, was a life unfulfilled.

Page Two (six panels)

Panel 1:

Jim is climbing into the passenger side of the trimming truck. The driver is a man named Donnie. He is slender and plain; clean shaven with short black hair and he is dressed similar to Jim. We face the pair looking at them through the windshield as though we were sitting on the hood of the truck.

CAPTION:

If Jim lets himself he...

CAPTION:

Jim hopes there's a good game on tonight.

CAPTION:

Jim likes football.

CAPTION:

Jim used to play when he was in school.

CAPTION:

Jim was good but not great.

Panel 2:

With Jim in the foreground and Donnie driving in the background the truck has begun rolling down the street. Jim looks out of the window beyond us and the reflection of the front of Liz's house can be seen on the window.

CAPTION:

Jim loves his wife Sally. But not like he loved...

CAPTION:

Jim has finished his work for the day.

CAPTION:

Jim and Donnie were going out for beers later.

CAPTION:

Jim is ok.

Panel 3:

Jim takes off his hard hat to reveal a receding hairline and a weathered face much older than his 25 years should betray. His hair is cut in the same style and is the same length as his hair from the episode.

CAPTION:

Sometimes Jim talks too much when he drinks. Jim talks too much about things he doesn't want others to talk to him about.

CAPTION:

Jim is paranoid that everyone around him knows about what...

CAPTION:

Jim loves his wife Sally.

Panel 4:

Liz sits on a stool bent over a flat work table. Her clothes are dirty and unwashed. She covers her body with clothing as much as possible while still being functional for her work. Her hair is pulled back and she wears glasses. Her house is cluttered and dark.

CAPTION:

"Only those things we hold in such low regard," she thinks to herself...

CAPTION:

..."only those do we achieve so readily with such simplicity."

Panel 5:

We see a close up of Liz's face and hands as she applies glue to the tip of a fish bone. She is completely immersed and consumed by her work studying the bone carefully and taking far too much care in the proper application of the glue.

CAPTION:

Liz never thinks about Jim but she remembers him every day.

CAPTION:

Remembers how he touched her as though he feared she would shatter even though she promised him she wouldn't.

CAPTION:

She was dead locked into a path of arbitrary inactivity and insignificance until that Christmas in that car with that boy when she was taken by that man.

Panel 6:

We see a fish's skeleton (an alamaco jack) lying on a felt board being meticulously reconstructed by Liz. It is lacking several of its ribs and its tail is incomplete. A work in progress. Liz's hand can be seen holding the fish bone over the unfinished skeleton. It is as though she is readying herself to place the bone.

CAPTION:

Liz likes putting the pieces back together -- one by one by one.

CAPTION:

She's good at rebuilding the fish making them what they once were.

CAPTION:

Last night Liz dreamt that she plummeted into an ocean of flame and did not burn but was bleached of all she held to be true.

Page Three (six panels)

Panel 1:

Jim sits at a table in a bar with Donnie and three other men. They all drink beer from glass mugs and several pitchers with varying levels of beer are sitting on the table before them. Though Jim looks at the men he says nothing while they talk and laugh with one another.

CAPTION:

Jim likes going to bars to drink with Donnie.

CAPTION:

Donnie has a lot of friends and Jim enjoys getting lost in their conversations.

Panel 2:

Jim still sits at the table. He is in the foreground and we look along with him passed Donnie's friends (who laugh and enjoy themselves) to the front door of the bar.

CAPTION:

Jim likes it when others talk around him.

CAPTION:

Jim always knows where the exits are.

Panel 3:

Liz stands in the boathouse where she was rescued. See episode for location reference. She is in the foreground with her back to us as we look over the scenery.

CAPTION:

The boathouse.

CAPTION:

Never before and never again will Liz feel the unimaginable elation she once felt within these wooden walls.

CAPTION:

Here she could dream.

Panel 4:

A close up of Liz's army boots standing on the wooden floor of the boathouse. The floor was laid using sheets of plywood.

CAPTION:

She could dream of meeting unsavory men in unsavory places.

CAPTION:

Dream of bringing them here where they would beat her and bind her and hold her captive.

CAPTION:

Dream of that moment of rescue -- rescue which may never come.

CAPTION:

Salvation made more potent with all hope gone.

Panel 5:

We see the ceiling of the boathouse as though we are lying on the floor looking up.

CAPTION:

The walls smell of damp mold and the floor is moist with mists from the seas. Should those boards ever dry the oceans of the world would dry with them.

CAPTION:

The world changes so drastically when perspective is altered only slightly.

CAPTION:

But even then the ceiling still pails in comparison to the hues brought about when her eyes were bathed in fear.

Panel 6:

Liz lies on her back. She is on the floor looking up at the ceiling as a way to reminisce about her rescue.

CAPTION:

Only during her utmost terror could the beauty of joy -- pure joy -- be experienced.

CAPTION:

She fears she'll never feel that feeling again.

CAPTION:

Fears what she will have to endure to reach those heights once more.

Page Four (five panels)

Panel 1:

Jim has gotten out of Donnie's pickup truck. The door is already closed behind him. Donnie has dropped Jim off at his home. It is dark now but not too late into the night.

CAPTION:

Jim likes coming home to his son and his pregnant wife.

CAPTION:

Jim likes his normal life.

CAPTION:

Jim is ok.

CAPTION:

But how could Jim protect his...

CAPTION:

Jim hopes the Packers are playing tonight.

Panel 2:

Jim walks away from us up his front steps to his front door.

CAPTION:

Jim has his eye on Corey Bradford who has received for 523 yards with games still left to play -- much better than the 27 he did last season. They keep giving the ball to Levens even though his average is only 7.9 compared to Bradford's 15.7.

CAPTION:

Jim also likes Hasslebeck though they'll never let him throw with a star like Favre on the team. Jim does wonder why they ever let Crawford back on the team after his lackluster '95 season.

CAPTION:

Jim is ok.

Panel 3:

Liz is closing her front door behind her as she enters her home. There is not an abnormal amount of locks on the door.

CAPTION:

"They'll hate our love because it is not their love."

CAPTION:

It sounded as though it were too much when first he spoke it.

CAPTION:

Like he'd shamed himself by making himself too vulnerable to her.

Panel 4:

Liz, fully clothed, sits on her bed. The walls of her room, especially the wall over her bed, should not be visible in this panel since it will be featured prominently in the next. We can however see a small end table next to the head of her bed. On the table there is an unplugged digital alarm clock and a butcher's knife. Her bed is set in the corner of her bedroom.

CAPTION:

But over the years between then and now she's turned the words over and over in her mind until they have become epicurean.

CAPTION:

She finds her solace in those once spoken words.

CAPTION:

Though she finds little peace in them.

Panel 5:

Liz is pulling a blanket over her as she lies down in bed still fully clothed. The two adjacent walls forming the corner which her bed is pushed into are featured prominently; we should be able to see more of the walls than of her. The walls are covered in framed, reconstructed fish skeletons of all types (www.helterskeleton.com is great for fish skeleton reference). Any fish bones should was able get her hands on she rebuilt and hung on her wall. She's been at this for quite some time and her walls should show this. They have been hung in proper rows and columns and though we cannot show it she has many more stored away and those that adorn her walls are those she prefers. The skeletons of course are over compensation for her own inability to reconstruct her life to some semblance of what it once was. Liz leaves the light on.

CAPTION:

Liz no longer allows herself new love. Love's prominence is distant in the emotional spectrum she has witnessed within herself.

CAPTION:

Liz still loves Jim in her own way.

CAPTION:

After their ordeal was done they could not tolerate the tainted feelings each brought about in the other.

CAPTION:

Wordlessly they parted.

CAPTION:

Two lost children in the same dark woods.

CAPTION:

Though she remembers little of their love she clings to its memory each night as she struggles for sleep.

The End

The Dreamer

Page One (seven panels)

Panel 1:

The entire panel is only text written in the font from the X-Files series.

TEXT:

1x14 Lazarus

Agent Bruskin, while investigating the kidnapping of an F.B.I. agent, works closely with Special Agent Mulder who is routinely criticized for his beliefs and theories which border on the outlandish. Through the course of the investigation Agent Bruskin comes to realize that abnormal methodology does in fact have its virtues and swift judgments may actually hinder the investigative process.

This story concerns a much more open-minded Agent Bruskin on a future case.

Panel 2:

Agents Bruskin and Calder ride in a car together with Bruskin driving. It is raining and the night is nearly at an end with the sun just about to break the horizon.

In this panel we see a close up of a book which Calder holds in his hand; he is looking at the cover. The book is the first hardcover edition of Exploring the World of Lucid Dreaming by Stephen LaBerge, Ph. D & Howard Rheingold.

CALDER (off panel):

Lucid dreaming?

BRUSKIN (off panel):

Lucid dreaming.

BRUSKIN (off panel):

Lucid dreaming is the ability to consciously control your dreams.

Panel 3:

Calder is in the foreground talking to Bruskin who is in the background driving with both hands. Calder is skeptical of the concept and his face betrays this fact. Calder has lowered the book in his hand letting it rest in his lap.

Calder is credited in the episode as 'Clean Cut Man' and appears in chapter 10 of the DVD. He is the FBI agent wearing a grey suit who criticizes Agent Bruskin for believing in Mulder. Agent Bruskin shows up several times throughout the episode and is not hard to catch. Bruskin is bald, has a mustache and constantly chews gum.

BRUSKIN:

Dreams are basically your subconscious mind trying to communicate with your conscious mind.

BRUSKIN:

The subconscious doesn't speak the same language as the conscious mind so it creates a reality based in symbolism to try and talk to you.

CALDER:

Creates a reality.

Panel 4:

We face Calder who looks out the passenger window at the passing scenery while listening to yet slightly tuning out Bruskin's explanation. But this is a road trip for the agents so try as he might Calder gets sucked into the conversation.

BRUSKIN (off panel):

That's why dreams seem so real and concrete while you're having them.

BRUSKIN (off panel):

Your subconscious tries to speak in a language you'll understand but the only way to do that is to show you what it's trying to say.

BRUSKIN (off panel):

With lucid dreaming you can sort of 'wake up' within your dream by realizing it's a dream while you're dreaming it.

CALDER:

And dreams try to speak in a language I'll understand.

Panel 5:

We see Bruskin's right side from Calder's point of view. Bruskin is holding up the two-finger peace symbol with his left hand while keeping his eyes on the road. It is still raining and because of this Bruskin is being extra cautious with his driving.

BRUSKIN:

Ok. What's this?

CALDER (off panel):

A peace sign?

BRUSKIN:

Exactly. In reality its just two fingers.

Panel 6:

Same as previous panel. Bruskin now uses his left hand to animate/illustrate his point but still keeps it hovering above the wheel should he need both hands for driving.

BRUSKIN:

It's engrained in our minds that that hand gesture means 'peace'.

BRUSKIN:

Your subconscious tells you that something literal is symbolic for something else -- in this case a concept.

Panel 7:

We face Calder (similar to Panel 4) as he looks at an off panel Bruskin and lightly taunts him.

CALDER:

You keep this up and they'll start calling you Spooky Bruskin.

BRUSKIN (off panel):

Hey. You asked so I told.

BRUSKIN (off panel):

This is us up ahead.

Page Two (five panels)

Panel 1:

We face Calder and Bruskin as they are ushered through the foyer of a mansion by a uniformed patrol cop. Police tape can be seen strung across the opened doorway into the foyer. Shining through the front doorway are blue and red flashing lights from a large group of police cars and ambulances still in front of the mansion. Bruskin is popping a piece of gum into his mouth. Calder looks about the foyer taking in the interior of the home.

CALDER:

Fancy digs.

BRUSKIN:

The victim, Jared Gould, was the son of Vincent Gould a.k.a. Chef Vincent Romano -- purveyor of many delicious, ready-made meals from your grocer's freezer.

CALDER:

I didn't even think the Chef was a real person.

BRUSKIN:

More of a figure head. After Vincent's death his son inherited the empire though Jared apparently had nothing to do with the business itself as he was far more concerned with living off his father's wealth.

Panel 2:

A side view of Calder and Bruskin walking up a staircase behind the uniformed officer. They are nearing the top of the stairs.

BRUSKIN:

The local interest is a Romano packing plant three miles outside of town which is the largest employer in this area -- over 2000 workers.

BRUSKIN:

Vincent Gould, or Chef Romano, was not only born and raised here but was also a firm believer in giving back to the community. He refused to outsource production to a foreign country even though it would've saved him millions of dollars.

CALDER:

That wasn't in the file.

BRUSKIN:

It's on the back of his soup cans.

Panel 3:

The agents enter Gould's bedroom while the uniformed officer holds the door for them. Our perspective is as though we stand across the room from the entering agents on the opposite side of the bed from the doorway. We face the agents (background) as they enter the room and the doorway itself is in the upper left corner of our view. The bed (foreground) is just off to our right. Only the foot of the bed is within our vision and it continues off panel to our right. Binding can be seen tied onto the lower left post (closest to us) which leads to an up pointing left foot. A detective in a bland suit stands at the foot of the bed on the opposite side from us. He has paused from writing in his leather, flip notebook and has turned to acknowledge the agents as they enter. The room is filled with Forensics (who take finger prints and samples in random places about the room), uniformed officers, several photographers (who are taking pictures of everything), etc. This is an active crime scene. Everyone in the room save for the agents wear rubber gloves.

An extensive sword collection can be seen on the wall across from the bed (on the very left side of the panel). All the swords are ornately hung on the wall in an aesthetically pleasing manner over a fireplace. Surrounding the swords is an assortment of large battle axes. One of the swords is notably missing. The section of the display where the sword is missing should be about five and a half feet off the floor.

This panel acts as the introductory panel for all the activity still going on at the crime scene. For the rest of the crime scene panels the background people/activities can largely be left out to make room for the dialogue.

DETECTIVE:

Gentlemen thank you for coming on such short notice.

Panel 4:

Our perspective has shifted slightly to the right and now includes more of the bed. We can make out the victim's leg(s) from knee(s) down to foot/feet. All visible limbs are bound to their respective bed post in a drawn and quartered fashion. Any portion of the victim's body shown should be riddled with cuts and abrasions. The agents and Detective stand at the foot of the bed looking down at the victim who is still largely off panel.

DETECTIVE:

At 3.30 AM Veronica Landers-Gould was awakened in her bed by a masked man who attempted to abduct her. The assailant fled after being sprayed with mace and it is believed he that is no longer on the premises.

CALDER:

Wait... Veronica Landers the swimsuit model?

DETECTIVE:

Yes. She slept in a different room because of her husband's sleep apnea.

DETECTIVE:

After the assailant fled from her room Veronica ran into her husband's bedroom where she found his body already mutilated.

Panel 5:

We look down at the victim lying on the bed from over the agents' heads. They have gotten closer to the bed leaving the Detective to speak from off panel. The victim lies face up and is nude so one of the agents' head/body should block our view of the victim's genitals. Gould (victim) is an obese man. His limbs have been severed at the shoulders and hips leaving a large amount of blood on the bed and in the floor. A broad sword is still lodged in the victim's chest and stands straight up. The less we actually see of the victim the better. This will force the reader to use their own imagination as to the severity of the state the body is in.

For our knowledge the extent of the attack is as follows: the victim was bound drawn and quartered fashion, his face was severely beaten, his limbs were severed where they connect to the torso, the genitals were dissected and studied, the victim's lower abdomen was sliced open in an attempt at disembowelment but the killer quickly grew bored of this and the only section removed from that area were handfuls of fat, the skin from his right-upper thigh was sliced off so the killer could see the muscle while cutting his way to the bone, both forearms have holes carved into them in between the bones and the left breast has been removed. The victim was left uncovered and nude with abrasions and cuts (ranging from small to severe) scattered randomly across the entire body. The sword used for the attack was left protruding from the victim's chest like the sword in the stone. Again, little to none of this should make it into the illustrations in their entirety. The agents and word balloons should cover the majority of the body in this panel.

DETECTIVE (off panel):

Though the wife hasn't been ruled out as a suspect it is doubtful she committed the actual act itself.

DETECTIVE (off panel):

As you can see the arms and legs have been severed, though not moved, from the torso. Gould's wife weighs all of 90lbs and would've needed an electric saw to manage the dismemberment. The wounds themselves suggest that the limbs were probably hacked off using the sword.

Page Three (six panels)

Panel 1:

Bruskin has lowered his face so that it is very close to the victim's so he can study it. Gould's face was severely beaten by his killer. His nose has been broken and there is a great deal of swelling on the face. The victim's mouth is agape and though it can't be seen his tongue was cut out by the killer.

CALDER (off panel):

The wife always could've hired someone.

DETECTIVE (off panel):

What do you think?

BRUSKIN:

I think its sloppy work. If I was going to hack off someone's limbs I would've used one of the axes -- they're heavier and better suited for the job. The method may not have been thoroughly planned out but the murder itself was most likely premeditated.

Panel 2:

Calder stands next to Detective and Bruskin while looking down at Gould's off panel body with a slightly bored expression on his face. Bruskin is standing once more and is facing Detective looks Bruskin in the eye. If possible, background people should be seen arbitrarily working on their respective projects.

BRUSKIN:

The killer had probably been cooking this up for some time and was so busy working up the nerve that when he finally decided to carry the whole thing out he didn't know what to do or how to go about doing it.

BRUSKIN:

He didn't bother to think that far ahead. He was completely fixated on the idea of murder but not the details... or even any enjoyment he could have derived from the act itself.

BRUSKIN:

The killer is new to this level of mutilation and had to work himself up little by little. He started off with the binding, moved on to punching and then the sword.

Panel 3:

Calder looks off in the opposite direction from the body being distracted by the work going on around him rather than his own role to play in the investigation. Detective and Bruskin look down at the off panel body. Bruskin is pointing out a random section of the victim's body while Detective makes notes in his flip book.

BRUSKIN:

The abandoned disemboweling, the dissected genitals... the killer was curious -- he's like a kid with a dead frog. Probably dabbed a bloody finger on his tongue just to see how it tasted.

BRUSKIN:

But though he's inexperienced he was experimenting -- evident by the erratic nature of the various wounds. Many killers take years to get to that point so he probably knew he wasn't going to do something like this again and decided to make the most of it.

Panel 4:

Detective looks at Bruskin as Bruskin looks down at the off panel victim. Bruskin is putting a piece of gum in his mouth.

DETECTIVE:

So you think this was random?

BRUSKIN:

Most serial or mass murderers will cover the face to dehumanize the victim. I don't think this was done for thrills or the killer would have at least blind folded Gould or put a pillow over his face.

BRUSKIN:

Whoever did this wasn't doing it just to be doing it. They wanted Gould dead and they wanted him to suffer. Probably held a grudge of some kind.

Panel 5:

Detective and Bruskin have begun to walk away from the bed. Calder can be left out of the panel to allow for the extra dialogue but place Detective and Bruskin in a manner that allows Calder to be trailing behind the two of them so in the next panel his presence is not out of place.

BRUSKIN:

It's also likely that the stabbing itself is rooted in sexual repression. Whether the killer realized it or not the repeated stab wounds before and after the victim's death suggest penetration for penetration's sake.

BRUSKIN:

Maybe he's spent too much time thinking about sex and not enough time actually having sex so his fantasies have become dark and disturbed with violence and sex going hand in hand after years of inadequacies.

BRUSKIN:

He's angry that he's unable to function like normal people and that manifests itself in ways even he doesn't grasp.

Panel 6:

Calder and Detective stand next to one another and face Bruskin as he speaks. They all stand across the room from the bed with the sword collection visible off to the side in the background. If the dialogue is far too much to fit all characters in the panel feature Bruskin only speaking to off panel Calder and Detective.

BRUSKIN:

If you just want to torture someone you promise a homeless man a free meal or you pick up a hooker off a street corner -- someone who won't be missed. And if you're hiring someone to kill your husband you don't hire a guy who'll go crazy on him.

BRUSKIN:

My vote is one of the staff had something to do with this. The killer had to be familiar with his surroundings -- after being maced he still managed to make it off the grounds without being seen. We'll start with the servants' quarters and go from there.

Page Four (six panels)

Panel 1:

We face the agents as they walk out of the bedroom. We see them as they pass through the doorway. In the background and through the doorway a great deal of activity can be seen still transpiring in the next room.

Panel 2:

The agents walk down a hallway. Many framed pictures and portraits adorn the walls. All pictures and portraits feature Gould; from the kingly pose of Gould in a painting to photographs of Gould accepting various awards. These paintings/portraits/photos should be an example of Gould's pride. Also include at least one photograph of his wife posing in her swimsuit. She's a trophy to him. Calder still looks very skeptical. Bruskin pops another piece of gum in his mouth.

CALDER:

Ok. So I don't have dreams. What about that?

BRUSKIN:

Everyone dreams every night. You have to wake up during a dream to remember it.

CALDER:

Well I don't know what to tell you -- I don't have dreams.

Panel 3:

The agents are descending the staircase that they ascended in Page 2 Panel 3. They are near the bottom.

BRUSKIN:

... trick is to constantly ask yourself, "Am I dreaming or am I really awake?".

CALDER:

That's easy -- I'm awake.

BRUSKIN:

No I mean really answer the question. Like rain for instance. We got wet from the rain on the way in here. In a dream you wouldn't have gotten wet because in a dream rain isn't water -- it's only the idea of water or maybe even what rain represents to you.

Panel 4:

The agents are exiting the front entrance of the mansion. We see them from outside the mansion as they walk toward us.

BRUSKIN:

However you react to something when you're awake is how you will react to the same thing while you dream. In the same sense the habits you have when you're awake will carry over into your dreams.

BRUSKIN:

When you're awake if you constantly confirm to yourself whether you're awake or not then you will try to make that same confirmation while you're dreaming.

Panel 5:

The agents walk a paved path to the far side of the mansion to reach the servants' quarters which is a separate building from the main home and from an architectural standpoint it is a smaller version of the mansion.

BRUSKIN:

In a dream if you ask yourself whether you're awake or not and try to confirm it you realize pretty quickly that you're dreaming and that's when you sort of 'wake up'.

BRUSKIN:

You're still in the dream but you're aware it's a dream and at that point you can do pretty much anything you want. You're only limited by your own imagination.

BRUSKIN:

I usually just fly around. It's pretty entertaining especially when you're first teaching yourself how to do it.

Panel 6:

The agents stand before the door to the servants' quarters. Calder acknowledges that a drop of water has just landed on his head. His dialogue is an exercise in his skill for sarcasm. Bruskin is still calm not caring whether Calder believes him or not.

CALDER:

I'm wet where a rain drop just hit me in the head. Wow. Oh wow. I guess I'm awake.

BRUSKIN:

Light switches are handy too. They don't work in a dream because light bulbs don't create the light in a room -- your mind does.

Page Five (seven panels)

Panel 1:

The entirety of the following page is a dream sequence.

Calder is at a party which takes place inside someone's home. There are many people at the party; they are laughing and having a good time. It is an x-mas party so many of the guests should be dressed for winter (sleeved shirts, sweaters, etc.) and most of the party goers should have a drink in their hands. The prominent figures in the dream are Calder, a sprig of mistletoe (which hangs from the top of a door frame) and a blind man who wears darkened glasses. The prominent figures are drawn normally with solid lines, distinguishable features, etc. The rest of the party goers and the home/décor/furniture (everything background, everything except the prominent figures) are periphery dream figures and should be drawn with hazy, less tangible lines and features. We should be able to make out what everything is but nothing save the prominent figures should be depicted clearly.

Calder faces towards our right looking at the blind man who looks back at Calder with no malice whatsoever. They stand underneath a doorless doorway (which only separates one room from the next) under the sprig of mistletoe which hangs from the top of the door frame in the traditional placement. The three prominent figures are in the foreground with party goers in the background.

The three prominent figures of the dream should all be featured in Panels 1-4.

Panel 2:

We face the blind man, seeing him from over Calder's shoulder, who continues to stand underneath the mistletoe. Hazy, unclear party goers can be seen behind the blind man in the next room. Even the door frame should be dream-like and insubstantial.

Panel 3:

We see a side view of Calder and the blind man as they still stand underneath the mistletoe. The blind man is on his tip toes kissing Calder on the mouth. Calder has a shocked expression on his face.

Panel 4:

Same as previous panel. The blind man has stepped back slightly from Calder and is shooting him in the stomach with a pistol. Calder has a pained, terrified look on his face while the blind man smiles as if he is doing something which causes him relaxation. The same sort of expression one has when first finding comfortable positioning in a hammock.

Panel 5:

We see Calder lying on the floor from an overhead vantage point. The floor, just like the rest of the backgrounds, is dream-like in nature and not clearly defined. We look down on Calder and see that a puddle of blood (also dream-like) has formed on the floor underneath him. His eyes are clenched shut and he is in pain. Party goers' feet/calves can be seen standing around him turned in all directions as though they pay no attention to the bleeding man on the floor. Their feet/calves are hazy and non distinct.

Panel 6:

Same as previous panel. The party goers' feet have disappeared. The puddle of blood has disappeared. The floor, once hazy and unclear, is now well defined just as Calder has been throughout the dream sequence. Calder no longer has a pained expression on his face but one of calm tranquility. He has opened his eyes.

Panel 7:

Same as Panel 1 from this page. Calder stands in the same position as Panel 1. The party goers have all vanished along with the blind man and the mistletoe. The background walls, décor, etc. are still in the same place as they were in Panel 1 but they have taken on the solidity that Calder has had throughout the dream. Calder is holding up his hand and is studying his own outstretched fingers (he's looking at the back of his hand). Essentially Calder has 'woken up' in his dream and is having a lucid experience. There is the sound effect of a ringing telephone in the bottom right corner of the panel.

SOUND EFFECT:

Bring Bring

SOUND EFFECT:

Bring Bring

Page Six (seven panels)

Panel 1:

Calder is lying in a hotel bed. He has half opened his eyes and slightly raised his head as he looks to our left at the nightstand and the ringing phone. Sound effect comes from our left side of the panel.

SOUND EFFECT:

Bring Bring

SOUND EFFECT:

Bring Bring

Panel 2:

Same as previous panel. Calder has reached over and picked up the receiver which he holds to his ear.

CALLER:

Calder. They need us at the station. Be ready in five.

Panel 3:

Same as previous panel. Calder has hung up the phone. He is still half asleep as he looks about the room bewildered and confused.

Panel 4:

Calder and Bruskin walk through the hallway of a police prescient as Bruskin briefs Calder on the new developments in the case. Calder, however, seems a million miles away looking at all things around him with a sense of newness. Bruskin walks holding a file in his hand. The prescient is busy with people walking to and fro; some uniformed and some not.

BRUSKIN:

Out of the three employees not present in the servants' quarters two of them had sound alibis. The last to be accounted for, Thomas J. Doe, was arrested at a nearby bus station.

BRUSKIN:

He has a petty crime rap sheet and has done time here and there since turning 18.

Panel 5:

Calder and Bruskin continue walking through the hallway in the police station.

CALDER:

I think I had one of those dreams last night. Bruskin is putting a piece of gum in his mouth.

BRUSKIN:

Really? You know there are people who have a lucid experience immediately after hearing of its existence. Not many people but it does happen. It's like the knowledge of the possibility is enough to make one happen.

Panel 6:

Calder and Bruskin have stopped in front of a glass window which has shades that, though down, are open enough to clearly see through into the next room. On the other side of the glass sits a man in his early 30s. He is handcuffed to an interrogation room table by his right hand. He faces toward our right. The agents face one another as they stand in front of the glass and are distanced enough from one another that we can see the man in the interrogation room between them.

BRUSKIN:

But you've got to get good at remembering your dreams. No point having a lucid dream if you don't remember it.

CALDER:

But I have to wake up during a dream to remember it?

BRUSKIN:

Most people wake up about ten times during the night. They roll over, look at the clock and go back to sleep. Never even know it happened. But even if you don't remember waking up with practice you'll remember you had the dream.

Panel 7:

Same as previous panel. Bruskin smiles at Calder who still looks taken aback by his dream. Doe can be seen looking towards the agents disdainfully as he sees

Bruskin smiling.

CALDER:

It feels so weird -- being awake in a dream like that.

BRUSKIN:

The real shocker is when you figure out that you spend a third of your life asleep and you can have a few lucid dreams a night.

BRUSKIN:

But watch out or you'll be Spooky Calder before you know it.

Page Seven (five panels)

Panel 1:

We face Doe as he sits at the interrogation table. We are seeing him as though we are Bruskin and sit across the table from him. Doe has a very matter-of-fact look to him and does not look directly at us/interrogator/Bruskin. The dialogue runs heavy for the entirety of the interrogation but all save one panel features only one character sitting at a table with no action; only talking.

DOE:

Since I was a kid I've been in love with Veronica Landers. One of the best days of my life was when I talked an older kid into buying me the Playboy she was in. I can still remember the way the pages smelled when I pulled it out of the plastic.

DOE:

She was so beautiful back then. I mean, she was gorgeous and her body was spectacular but that's not what I liked about her. Her eyes... she had these eyes -- the kind of beauty you can't fake, you know? Like she was better than the rest of us but that was ok. She deserved to be.

Panel 2:

Same as previous panel. Doe looks down at his cuffed right hand.

DOE:

She was too good for this world. Like she had something beautiful that nobody could take away from her. But that was ok too because she found a way to share it with the rest of us. So we could feel special... just like she was special.

DOE:

I never... I never played with myself while looking at her. It felt dirty -- like I'd ruin her or that she was too good for me to think about when I did that.

Panel 3:

Same as previous panel. With a shrug of one shoulder Doe calmly continues his story.

DOE:

When I heard she got married... you know I'm not delusional -- I knew she'd never be mine. She could never belong to anyone. When I heard she got married I was happy for her.

DOE:

A few months ago someone told me that she was looking for help -- for servants. And I thought to myself, "That's great." you know. "I'll never be with her but at least I can be close to her -- be her friend." And that was that.

BRUSKIN (off panel):

But that wasn't that... was it?

Panel 4:

Same as previous panel. Doe has fire in his eyes as he menacingly speaks directly at us/Bruskin.

DOE:

He ruined her! That pig of a bitch ruined her! He took what I though no one could take from her. She wasn't beautiful anymore. She was small and frail and her eyes -- it was like they'd dried up. Like what made her who she was wasn't there anymore.

DOE:

I tried talking to her once -- tried telling her how I felt about her and how special I thought she was and how she needed to get away from her husband and out of that house and just away from him and... and she treated me like I was some kind of animal!

DOE:

It was like I sickened her. Like... like I was so pathetic I repulsed her!

Panel 5:

Side view of Doe (our left) facing Bruskin (our right) across the table. Doe is still raging but Bruskin doesn't pull any punches. Bruskin is calm as he speaks to Doe; if anything he is firm but not angry at Doe or sickened by his derangement. To Bruskin this is just another day on the job.

Center Doe, the table and Bruskin in the panel and illustrate the dead space of the room behind both characters to allow for extra word balloon space. Admittedly I got a little excessive with the dialogue.

DOE:

I had to save her. I had to take her away from all that and I knew she wouldn't leave willingly because he'd brainwashed her! With his filthy money and his big house he'd brainwashed her!

BRUSKIN:

You wanted to save her? So you get her out of the house... rescue her... then what?

BRUSKIN:

She's grateful to you right? She's in love with you even though she begs you to let her go. It's the brainwashing that makes her say such hateful things.

BRUSKIN:

One night you're watching her sleep... and you decide to lie down next to her -- just to help keep her warm. You smell her hair and it's even better than you'd hoped it would be. Then you touch her. You tell yourself you shouldn't but you know that that's what she wants you to do or she wouldn't be lying there letting you do it. And then...

DOE:

I would never...

BRUSKIN:

Save your breath Doe. We've pulled Gould's skin from under your nails, we've got bloody fingerprints, we took samples of mace from your collar -- you're done.

BRUSKIN:

But I'll tell you a little something about Veronica -- when Gould found her she was so coked out she was turning tricks in a titty bar to carry her habit. Not quite the angel you make her out to be is she? But Gould took her in and because of him she got clean, had a good home and turned her life around. Then you came along and decided to 'save' her.

Page Eight (six panels)

Panel 1:

We once again face Doe who looks as though he is about to cry. He isn't about to cry because he knows he is going to spend a very long time in prison or even because he's just killed a man but because someone, anyone, would think that his intentions towards Veronica were impure. He is also discovering that he was and is in fact delusional and has allowed himself to become trapped in his own thinking.

BRUSKIN:

The only thing you saved her from was a meal ticket who knew he was a meal ticket but had too big of a heart to care. He didn't take anything from Veronica... he took something from you.

BRUSKIN:

But you didn't care about her Thomas -- not really. The only thing you cared about was your little wet dream.

Panel 2:

We face Bruskin as he finishes the interrogation. We see him as though we are across the table from him: Doe's point of view. Bruskin is rising from the table collecting his folder and papers as he does so. Bruskin is very calm as he speaks.

BRUSKIN:

And now... I'm betting she'll be a junky inside a year. Pushed her right over the edge when she saw the way you left the guy who really saved her.

BRUSKIN:

Thomas, she treated you like some kind of animal because that's what you are... and a dumb one at that.

BRUSKIN:

Oh, and they don't hand out swords in prison. Though it's not likely you'll be the one doing the penetrating any time soon.

Panel 3:

We face Bruskin as he exits the interrogation room folder in hand. He is shutting the door behind him as Calder, who had been standing outside the room throughout the interrogation, speaks to Bruskin with a knowing look on his face. Bruskin himself looks innocent and satisfied with himself.

CALDER:

Turning tricks for coke? She had more money than he did when they got married.

BRUSKIN:

Oh I know but who's going to tell him that? It'll give the guy something to hate himself for while he's rotting away somewhere.

BRUSKIN:

Gould was a rotten, greedy bastard and he probably had it coming. But for all the reasons he may have deserved it being killed because a guy was jealous of his wife wasn't one of them.

Panel 4:

We see a distanced view of agents as they exit the main entrance of the police station. They face us as they do so. The agents are in the background and between us and them is a parking lot filled with police cars and some, but few, unmarked cars.

BRUSKIN:

... figured out that you dream during R.E.M., rapid eye movement.

CALDER:

I know what...

BRUSKIN:

Sure you do. They also figured out that looking around in your dreams is what causes your eyes to move while you're asleep. It isn't random at all.

Panel 5:

Same as previous panel only now the agents are closer to us. They still walk towards us and we still face them.

BRUSKIN:

One guy was so good with his dreaming that he imagined himself watching a ping pong game. The doctors timed it out so when he was dreaming the game they were watching his eyes move back and forth under the lids. He was following the ball.

BRUSKIN:

That's actually how they proved it on paper.

CALDER:

That is crazy.

Panel 6:

We face the front of the agents' car. The agents have opened their doors (Bruskin is again the driver) and are about to sit down into the car. The look and speak to one another over the top of the car.

BRUSKIN:

You know what's really crazy? When we sleep our body slows to a crawl and we enter a natural, near-death state. Breathing slows, heart rate drops, etc. Now, if we start dreaming when we're deep in sleep and the deeper in sleep we are the closer to dying we get then who's to say that dreams aren't sort of a preview of the afterlife?

CALDER:

Where do you come up with this stuff?

BRUSKIN:

I don't sleep much. Gives me time to think.

The End
Mrs. Oswald

Page One (seven panels)

Panel 1:

The entire panel is only text written in the font from the X-Files series.

TEXT:

3x03 D.P.O.

Darin Peter Oswald is institutionalized after the 'accidental' death of Sheriff John Teller. Though Darin is suspected to have the ability to generate massive amounts of electricity which he can control through will alone all that can be proven is Darin's mental state.

This is a story of his mother.

Panel 2:

A TV screen shows a man and a woman talking. They are actors on a soap opera. They stand on a picturesque tropical island's pier. They look out over the water with worry in their eyes.

ESTELLE:

It's so beautiful here but I can't help thinking...

JACOB:

What Estelle?

ESTELLE:

... about your son. For all we know Malcomb abducted him and... and...

JACOB:

I've wanted to tell you for so long that...

Panel 3:

We see Jacob only looking out over the sea as he speaks to the off panel Estelle.

JACOB:

... Louis is not my son... he is your son.

ESTELLE (off panel):

But I've never had a child!

JACOB:

Yes... yes you have.

Panel 4:

A close up of Jacob looking at Estelle who is not in the panel. He postures and says nothing just before a commercial. Watch any daytime soap just before a commercial break and the actor pauses without saying anything for dramatic effect.

Panel 5:

We see only the dialogue from the television show which tells us that they will be right back.

TEXT:

We'll be right back with more

For Money,

For Love

after this...

Panel 6:

Darin's mother looks annoyed at the commercial interruption. We face her from next to the television set as she sits in her chair. See episode for reference.

TV:

Do you want to know the future?

TV:

Do you want to know what lies ahead?

Panel 7:

Same as previous panel. Mom has risen from the chair and has walked into the background as she makes her way to the next room out of panel.

TV:

I have been consulted by Hollywood stars, police departments, even presidents.

TV:

Now I can be your personal psychic consultant.

Page Two (six panels)

Panel 1:

Same as previous two panels. Mom is sitting back down in her chair with a full drink which is in a glass. There is no table or stand next to the chair so she holds the glass in her left hand while resting her arm on the arm of the chair.

TV:

... just pick it up. I know you will... I can see your future.

TV:

And now we return to... For Money, For Love.

Panel 2:

We see the television from behind Mom's chair and over her head. She holds her drink in her left hand which is now almost empty to show that time has passed. The TV is at enough of a distance that the figures on screen can barely be made out. After the dialogue a phone is ringing from the right side of the chair. The phone is sitting in the floor.

JACOB:

While you were in a coma Estelle.

ESTELLE:

But who then... is the father?

JACOB:

Your son's father is... your own father.

ESTELLE:

My own father! But I don't know who that...

SOUND EFFECT:

bring bring bring bring

Panel 3:

Same as previous panel. Again the phone starts ringing after the dialogue. In this panel Mom drops the glass from her left hand and it falls to the floor.

TV SOUND EFFECT:

BANG!

ESTELLE:

Jacob! Jacob no! Help me someone please! Jacob has been shot!

TV ANNOUNCER:

We'll be right back.

SOUND EFFECT:

bring bring bring bring

Panel 4:

We face Mom who sits in her chair looking utterly stunned.

MOM:

Oh... my... god.

TV (off panel):

Tonight at 11. Meet an EMS worker who claims to have seen a miracle.

TV (off panel):

He touched the guy's chest and healed him! Then he just grinned and left.

Panel 5:

The phone has begun to ring once again. Mom, with ire on her face, heaves over the right arm of the chair (to the left side of the panel since we now face her) to answer the phone. With the other hand (her left) she has the remote and is muting the television (**).

MOM:

Jesus! Can't they leave me alone during Money, Love?!

TV (off panel):

Also at 11 -- are aliens performing tests on our cattle?

TV (off panel):

That's two cows dead in **

Panel 6:

Mom holds the phone to her ear still angry at the interruption.

MOM:

What?!!!

CALLER (through receiver):

Ma! What're you yellin' at me for?!

MOM:

Darin?! You know I'm watching my soaps now!

CALLER (through receiver):

They locked me up in the state crazy house! They think I killed some people.

MOM:

Maybe they can do you some good! You're worthless just like your father was and lord knows I couldn't do anything with him!

Page Three (seven panels)

Panel 1:

A close up of the phone in the floor being hung up with a slam. It's an old phone where the numbers are on the base and the receiver is much like the receiver of a pay phone.

Panel 2:

Same as previous panel. Mom has lifted the receiver and is dialing a number.

Panel 3:

Mom is talking into the receiver.

MOM:

Did you see it?

RECEIVER (through receiver):

Yeah I couldn't believe Jacob got shot! He'll survive though.

TV (off panel):

We now return...

MOM:

Call you back!

Panel 4:

We see only the television screen. Estelle stands in the waiting room of a hospital. The doctor, who looks like a male model, has approached her to deliver the bad news.

DOC:

Estelle Duboux?

ESTELLE:

Please tell me he's ok doctor.

DOC:

We did everything we could. I'm sorry, Jacob Harden is dead.

Panel 5:

We see Mom watching the TV. She is wide eyed and her mouth is agape. She is so shocked she cannot react in any other way.

TV (off panel):

No! Noooooooooo!

TV (off panel):

Tune in next week for more money... and for more love.

TV (off panel):

Hello I'm Barry Smart for Entertainment All Right!

Panel 5:

We see the set of Entertainment All Right! which is an Entertainment Tonight knock off. The set looks like the 90's era set from ET. Barry Smart, the host, sits in a chair accompanied by the actor who plays Jacob on Mom's soap opera. Bother wear suits.

BARRY:

I'm here with Don Stone best known as Jacob Harden from the soap For Money, For Love. Hello Don.

DON:

Hello Barry. Good to see you.

BARRY:

Likewise.

SOUND EFFECT (off panel):

bring bring bring bring

MOM (off panel):

They'll bring him back.

Panel 6:

Same as previous panel. We see a close up of Don smiling and looking picturesque himself.

MOM (off panel):

They've got to bring him back.

BARRY (off panel):

So is it true?

DON:

Indeed. I have retired from the show and from acting. I want to spend more time focusing on my musical career.

SOUND EFFECT (off panel):

bring bring bring bring

Page Four (five panels)

Panel 1:

From a television screen we watch an episode of Terry Summerstein, a Jerry Springer knock off. Terry is standing amongst the audience as the show returns from a commercial break. For all show references just watch an episode of Jerry Springer. When returning from a commercial break the graphic at the bottom reads "Terry Summerstein" in the bottom left corner and the title of the episode, in this case "My Child is Out of Control", is written across the bottom of the screen and all text is written over what looks like an incomplete brick wall. Just watch a Springer episode.

AUDIENCE:

Ter-ry Ter-ry Ter-ry Ter-ry

TERRY:

Welcome back. Today we're speaking to mothers with troubled children.

Panel 2:

We see Mom sitting in a chair. She is a guest on the show. Underneath her are her name and her description for the show. Same as Jerry Springer graphic.

TERRY (off panel):

We're joined by Debra. Debra has a son who has recently been institutionalized.

MOM:

That's correct Terry.

TEXT:

Debra

My son is in a looney bin!

Panel 3:

This is a long panel stretching across the page. In it we see all the other guests from that day's show. Debra, the last panelist/guest, was obviously thought of as the least interesting for the show and therefore was the last to be brought out. From left to right we see: a mother with an obese 4-year-old daughter who is so big she must sit in the floor, a mother with her gang banger son who is Caucasian, Mom, a father with a pierced and tattooed 14-year-old daughter and finally a 20-year-old man with his mother and his 16-year-old girlfriend who holds a baby with all four surrounded by four more children aged one to six.

MOM:

Terry I really want to talk about someone very dear to me that died recently.

MOM:

He was such an amazing man and I loved him so much. He was the reason I got up in the morning and the reason my life was worth living.

MOM:

I looked forward to seeing him everyday and the worst time in the world for me was just after he went off because I knew that from that moment I had to wait the longest to see him again.

Panel 4:

Terry still stands amongst the audience. He looks sympathetically at the off panel Mom.

TERRY:

I'm sorry for your loss. Was he the boy's father?

MOM (off panel):

I wish Terry. I wish. He is Jacob Harden from my soap.

Panel 5:

Same as Panel 2 from this page.

TERRY (off panel):

He's an actor on a soap opera?

MOM:

He was until Malcomb shot him. But with your help Terry we can bring him back.

MOM:

I didn't know where else to turn.

TEXT:

Debra

I'm in love with my TV!

Page Five (six panels)

Panel 1:

Same as Page 4 Panel 5. We see the same view of Debra every time because of the low production value on the show. They only have one camera trained on Mom. She has begun to cry but not sob so she can still speak.

MOM:

My life's just not the same without him!

MOM:

And he was such a good man. Why did he have to die?!

TEXT:

Debra

I'm in love with my TV!

Panel 2:

Terry walks amongst the audience up and down the stairs in between the rows of seating. This is a different view of Terry to show they have several cameras trained on him.

MOM (off panel):

He was everything to me Terry and now I've got nothin'!

TERRY:

Let's see what the audience thinks.

Panel 3:

A member of the audience has risen and stands next to Terry. He is holding the microphone so she can speak in to it. Member 1 is a young, African American woman.

MEMBER 1:

Girl you need to unplug that TV and get – a – life!

SOUND EFFECT:

Audience applause

MEMBER 1:

Listen at you fallin' in love with a soap star. What you need's a man!

Panel 4:

Terry has turned to the other side of the steps for Member 2 to speak into the microphone. Member 2 is a young, Caucasian man who looks as though he showed up for a good laugh versus leaving his trailer in hopes of being on TV.

MEMBER 2:

Maybe you and your kid can share a padded room somewhere.

SOUND EFFECT:

Audience applause

MEMBER 2:

Lady you just need to get laid.

AUDIENCE:

Wooooooooooo!

Panel 5:

Very similar (almost identical) to Page 2 Panel 2. We see the television screen we've been watching from behind and over the head of Darin Peter Oswald as he sits in the hospital. See end of episode for reference. Mom can be seen on the screen weeping with her face in her hands.

MOM:

I've got nothing left to look forward to!

MOM:

What am I going to do!

Panel 6:

Same as previous panel. On the TV screen we can see Terry Summerstein talking to the camera but we cannot hear his words. Instead we hear the metal music Darin is playing from the TV.

MUSIC LYRICS:

IIIIII hate it when you preach my space!

And IIIIII hate it when you preach your case!

And you should go down... down...

Saaaaaaaaaaaaaaavvvvvve someone else!

The End
The Stupendous Yappi

Page One (Six Panels)

Panel 1:

The entire panel is only text written in the font from the X-Files series.

TEXT:

3x04 Clyde Bruckman's Final Repose

In St. Paul a killer is targeting psychics. To aid in the investigation of the recent deaths the police have enlisted the help of The Stupendous Yappi, a self-proclaimed seer of the future, who does little to catch the killer.

This is a story of Yappi.

Panel 2:

We see a close up of Yappi's face in a television commercial advertising his 1900 number. For better reference please see the very end of the episode. The phone number and price of Yappi's 'visions' is listed at the bottom of the page. Yappi's face looks confident that you will call him.

YAPPI:

...know you will. I can see your future.

DIRECTOR (off panel):

Aaaannnd cut.

DIALOGUE AT BOTTOM OF PANEL:

1-900-555-YAPP

$3.99 Per Minute/For Adults and Entertainment Only

Panel 3:

We see the commercial in the process of being filmed. Yappi is in the background with film crew across from him in the foreground filling up the panel. There are lighting men, boom mike operators who have lowered their poles, assistants, etc. One of the boom mike guys looks and is dressed like Marty McFly from Back to the Future; life preserver-looking vest and all. A makeup girl has approached Yappi to reapply his makeup.

DIRECTOR:

All right Yappi looks good but one more to be on the safe side.

YAPPI:

Of course. Everyone take 5.

MAKEUP GIRL:

You just need a quick touch up Yappi.

Panel 4:

A close up of Yappi's face as he looks down at Make Up girl. His right eyebrow is raised in his characteristic look. For better reference see episode.

Panel 5:

Makeup Girl stands in front of a vanity mirror in Yappi's dressing room. She is facing our left and is pouring a glass of Yappi's champagne for herself. What we're seeing is a psychic vision. If the comic is in color tint the panel red to show it's a vision but if it's in black and white simply make the outlines of characters and objects less solid to show it's a dream-like state. See Page 2 Panel 2.

Panel 6:

Again we see the set of the commercial. Makeup Girl is running away from Yappi who is shouting insults at her. She covers her mouth with her hand in a feeble attempt to choke back her sobbing. While fleeing Yappi's presence Makeup Girl bumps into the Marty McFly-looking boom mike guy.

YAPPI:

FAT COW! FIRED! GET OUT!

YAPPI:

That will teach you to drink the champagne of Yappi.

Page Two (seven panels)

Panel 1:

Yappi and Silent Woman enter Yappi's dressing room. This is a makeshift room since Yappi is only expected to be in that building filming that commercial for a day, maybe two. The room has the vanity to the left side of the panel, just inside the doorway, and to the right of the panel there is a sofa against the wall with a coffee table in front of it and a chair off to the side of the table. The room is a dressing room but it's a dressing room for whoever happens to need it.

Once in the doorway Yappi walks over to the vanity which has an iced bottle of champagne and a bouquet of flowers sent to him from an unknown fan. Yappi is used to these gifts and does not react at all to them. Silent woman, once in the doorway, makes her way to the couch.

YAPPI:

...talk show. That is what I should do.

YAPPI:

I could reach a wider audience. Touch more lives with my gifts.

YAPPI:

These petty commercials make me weary and only give me a taste of what I deserve.

Panel 2:

Same as Panel 5 from previous page. Yappi is pouring himself a glass of champagne exactly as he foresaw Makeup Girl doing it. Yappi is very egotistical. The egoism is so strong that without meaning to he projects himself into any 'vision' he sees ruining whatever miniscule ability he actually has for seeing the future. In other words, Makeup Girl wasn't going to drink his champagne Yappi was merely seeing into his own future.

YAPPI:

My talents – so wasted on the telephone.

YAPPI:

I want to see the people. I want to see for the people.

YAPPI:

I want to be able to reach out and touch them while I touch their lives.

Panel 3:

We see another of Yappi's psychic visions. In this vision Yappi sees a beautiful woman sitting at a bar violently slapping the boom mike guy who looks like Marty McFly. He needs to looks distinguishable enough so we know that it was the man from the previous page on the set of Yappi's commercial. See Page 4 Panel 6.

Panel 4:

We are looking at Silent Woman from across the room (Yappi's point of view) who is looking in our direction at an off panel Yappi. Her brow is furrowed in confusion.

YAPPI (off panel):

Hmmm a fighter. I like... fighters.

Panel 5:

A limousine drives down a city street.

Panel 6:

Yappi drinks champagne in the back of the limo accompanied by Silent Woman who neither drinks nor says anything; she merely looks at Yappi without expression.

YAPPI:

I simply love this place. I know the owner personally. He consulted me, you may remember, as to whether he should open his restaurant.

YAPPI:

I tell him, "Alec, you have Yappi's blessing. Open your restaurant." And he did.

Panel 7:

Still in the back of the limo Yappi looks away from Silent Woman and out the window as he speaks to her. This is a reference to his 'vision' from the X-Files episode.

YAPPI:

I am sorry for my anger last night. Too much champagne is why I was --- unable to perform. It was the champagne. But you know I am capable.

Page Three (seven panels)

Panel 1:

We see Yappi and Silent Woman from inside the restaurant as they enter together. Yappi walks in smiling broadly with his arms in the air. He knows the maitre d and calls out to him unabashedly. Silent Woman is silent and expressionless as always.

YAPPI:

Gustav! How pleasant to see you! I foresee for you and your wife the birth of many children who grow strong. You feel a great pride for them!

Panel 2:

Gustav, the maitre d, looks uncomfortable and speaks to Yappi in lowered tones.

GUSTAVE (in a lowered tone):

But Yappi, I am a gay man... and I have only one testicle.

YAPPI:

Many children indeed for you my friend!

YAPPI:

Now, to our table!

Panel 3:

Yappi and Silent Woman sit at their table in a mid-scale restaurant talking amongst themselves. Their table is in the background so we get a nice view of random people dining and servers walking about the tables. Yappi has a glass of champagne in his hand. The restaurant itself is certainly not McDonald's but it is common to see casually dressed patrons about. A casually dressed man can be seen approaching Yappi's table from a distance.

YAPPI:

Tomorrow I have an interview. And then I must interview new phone operator. Her beauty is such that it will be felt over the receiver.

YAPPI:

I am glad I fired --- his name was Fred? Fred was swine. Fred hated Yappi. This girl tomorrow; she loves Yappi. Already I know this.

Panel 4:

We face the approaching man from Yappi's seated point of view. He has made his way over to the table and he is asking Yappi for an autograph. Man does not look nervous, as though he's seen local celebrities in that restaurant before and has gotten autographs from them as well.

MAN:

Mr. Yappi? I just wanted to say I'm a big fan. Could I have an autograph?

Panel 5:

We look down on Yappi from Man's standing point of view. Man has handed Yappi a napkin to write on and Yappi does not look happy about it as he looks down at the napkin in his hand.

YAPPI:

A napkin? Have you no picture of Yappi?

MAN:

Do you happen to have a vision for me?

Panel 6:

A close up of Yappi's face while he is looking up at Man.

YAPPI:

I have a vision that you will no longer annoy me during my meal.

Panel 7:

Same as previous panel. Yappi is giving Man the characteristic eyebrow disdainfully.

Page Four (six panels)

Panel 1:

This takes place after Yappi and Silent Woman have finished their meal. Yappi has drunk too much champagne and his drunkenness is apparent on his face; bloodshot eyes which squint, a laziness in his body language, etc. Waiters are collecting the plates from the table and Yappi berates them as they do so.

YAPPI:

I foresaw you peasants collecting our plates. Will you lick them clean?

YAPPI:

I know that you will. Do you know that you will?

Panel 2:

We see a beautiful woman sitting at the restaurant's bar, which is away from the dining area, from Yappi's point of view. A very large, muscular man has just risen from the seat next to her but still stands beside her while speaking with her. She is smiling and obviously enjoys his company. She rests one of her hands the man's arm which is stretched across the back of her chair.

Panel 3:

Yappi rises to his feet and speaks to Silent Woman.

YAPPI:

Go. Go now.

YAPPI:

You say nothing and you do nothing and tonight it bores me.

YAPPI:

You bore me.

Panel 4:

Yappi staggers to the bar where we see an empty seat next to the beautiful woman. Large Man (her company) can be see walking away from her and is already distanced enough to not see Yappi approach her.

Panel 5:

Yappi has sat down next to the beautiful woman and he smiles lasciviously at her.

YAPPI:

I want to filet you with my love making.

Panel 6:

Same as Page 2 Panel 3 only now we aren't seeing it as a vision and its Yappi getting slapped instead of the Marty Mcfly look-alike.

Page Five (six panels)

Panel 1:

The beautiful woman storms in pursuit of Large Man while Yappi stupidly grins.

Panel 2:

We see another vision. A large group of fans mob Yappi. Yappi looks panicked in the vision.

Panel 3:

Yappi, looking scared, has risen from his seat and approached the bartender for aid.

YAPPI:

You! Watering boy! My fans are after me. Is there a back way out?

BARTENDER:

Sure, through the kitchen.

BARTENDER (thought balloon):

Shouldn't he already know that?

Panel 4:

The beautiful woman is talking to Large Man. They are standing in front of the entrance to the Men's room. The beautiful woman looks very angry and is pointing in Yappi's direction. Large Man looks sternly vicious.

LARGE MAN:

Who said that? Point him out to me.

Panel 5:

We see another vision. A vagrant is sleeping on a bench. The bench is on the sidewalk of a city street and the vagrant has his back to us. On the bench is an advertisement for Yappi's 1900 number. See Page 6 Panel 4.

Panel 6:

Yappi is walking through the kitchen in the back of the restaurant.

YAPPI:

Ah! Dirty vagrants defiling my good name. How could they do that to me?

Page Six (five panels)

Panel 1:

Yappi walks out the back door of the restaurant into an alleyway. He still looks drunk.

YAPPI:

My fans will be the death of me one day.

YAPPI:

But I cannot blame them for loving me.

Panel 2:

In the foreground Yappi is seen exiting the alleyway. In the background Large Man is seen exiting the entrance to the restaurant with a group of similarly dressed men.

YAPPI:

I would love me were I not already me.

LARGE MAN:

He couldn't have gotten far.

Panel 3:

Yappi, looking tired, staggers through the streets.

YAPPI:

I feel so tired. I must sit for a moment.

YAPPI:

And then I will hail a cab home.

Panel 4:

Same as Page 5 Panel 5. We realize that the vagrant sleeping on the bench is really Yappi who intended to sit for only a moment but then fell asleep.

LARGE MAN (off panel):

Maybe this wino's seen that pervert around. Let's ask him.

Panel 5:

We see Silent Woman lying in her bed. She lies across the sides of the bed instead of in the position where her head would hit the pillow. She wears lingerie and a seductive look on her face. She is talking to a man standing beside the bed who isn't wearing a shirt being in a state of undressing. He is obviously her lover.

SHIRTLESS MAN:

Are you sure Yappi won't be coming home tonight?

SILENT WOMAN:

I see a vision. Yappi is sleeping off his drink on a bench which bears his own name like a dog crawling into his doghouse. His 'adoring fans' will find him soon.

SILENT WOMAN:

Yappi will live but he will not be home tonight.

The End
MP Officer Quanzon

Page One (seven panels)

To show a recurring emotional state in MP the first, third, and fifth page should all have identical panel set ups.

Panel 1:

The entire panel is only text written in the font from the X-Files series.

TEXT:

3x07 The Walk

A quadruple amputee veteran of the Gulf War has devised a way to murder the families of his commanding officers as an act of revenge for the loss of his quality of life. MP Quanzon was assigned to guard General Callahan's young son Trevor.

This is Quanzon's story in the aftermath of the boy's death.

Panel 2:

We see a close up of the top of a coffee table. The items atop the table are in complete disarray. We can see a glass filled with bourbon next to a newspaper clipping with a visible headline. We also see a hand reaching for the glass of bourbon.

HEADLINE:

General's Son Dies in Tragic Accident

Panel 3:

MP Quanzon, see episode for reference, sits on a couch in front of the coffee table and takes a drink from the glass of bourbon. He is disheveled, unshaven and barley dressed. There is a knock at the door.

SOUND EFFECT:

knock knock

Panel 4:

MP has cracked the door, leaving the chain on, and through the crack we see a man in military dress looking in.

LARRY:

Can I come in?

Panel 5:

Same set up as the previous panel but now we are looking in at MP from outside the room. The door is still cracked and we can still see the chain on the door. We can see MP's face through the crack; he looks tired and emotionless.

Panel 6:

We are inside the room once again. The room itself, looking from the far side of the room to the back of the door, is as follows: just inside the door to our left is a small dining table with two chairs and to our right of the door there is a twin bed which hasn't been slept in, in the foreground from where we stand there is a couch to our immediate right which faces to our left and is directly in front of the coffee table, on the far side of the table from us is a chair which faces us and on our left side of this chair there is a small table which has a lamp on it.

MP stands aside to allow Larry access. Larry removes his hat as he enters.

LARRY:

You look like hell Quanzon.

MP:

What did you expect?

MP:

What are you doing here?

LARRY:

Nancy asked me to come by.

Panel 7:

We face the chair from the far side of the coffee table. MP is sitting down to our immediate right on the couch and Larry is about to sit in the chair across from us but must move something out of the chair first. Larry places the items on the table next to the chair. What he's moving is indistinguishable. Larry is looking down at the seat of the chair as he collects the items. See Page 6 Panel 1 for what the items are.

LARRY:

She's worried sick John. Says you haven't been home in days and you won't answer your phone.

LARRY:

She's frantic. Hell, I had to sleep on the couch last night 'cause she slept in the bed with Jess. Can't even be in her own house anymore.

Page Two (five panels)

Panel 1:

We face a seated MP who only stares down into space.

MP:

Nancy'll be all right. She'll move on. Find a good guy.

LARRY (off panel):

What are you talking about?

LARRY (off panel):

C'mon John you're...

Panel 2:

MP is intensely staring at Larry with violence in his eyes. Larry is not backing down which shows that they are friends because anyone else would have ended the conversation after MP's anger-ridden interruption. Larry is actually getting angry right back at MP even if it is a restrained anger.

MP:

I'm what?!

LARRY:

All right I'm just going to come out and say it: you didn't kill that kid John. Nobody blames you for anything.

LARRY:

Hell the general doesn't even blame you and it was his son.

MP:

I didn't kill him but I let him die.

Panel 3:

This will be a montage panel which can take up quite a bit of the page itself since there are only five panels.

Starting on the left side of the panel we see a teenager at his prom with a pretty date, next we see a man holding his wife's hand in a delivery room while she's in labor, then we see a father teaching his son how to throw a baseball and finally we see an old man handing out Christmas gifts to his grandchildren.

CAPTION:

Because of me that kid will never play again. He'll never have his first girlfriend or his first kiss. He'll never fall in love or win a football game. He'll never go fishing again or learn to drive a car.

Panel 4:

A close up of MP's face. His eyes are filling with angry tears. His angry is turned inward.

MP:

It was my responsibility. The general trusted me with the life of his son. ME!

MP:

That little boy is dead because of ME!

Panel 5:

Larry rises from his chair to leave. While doing so he begins to put his hat back on.

LARRY:

You'll get through this John. It's tragic but you'll get through it.

LARRY:

Life's full of tragedies but you pick up the pieces and move on.

LARRY:

The only person who hates you right now is you. And because of that you're making everyone else around you suffer.

Page Three (seven panels)

Panel set up should be identical to Page 1 in concerns of panel size and placement.

Panel 1:

We see hands frantically digging through a pile of sand in a sand box. MP is dreaming and we watch from his point of view as he tries to dig Trevor, the general's son, out of the sand to save him.

Panel 2:

Same as previous panel; we still see from MP's point of view. He has stopped digging because he has unearthed the dead boy. The boy looks grotesque and already in an advanced state of decay. Worms and maggots writhe in and out of the boy's flesh. Bone is visible on Trevor's body in a splotchy, random pattern. Patches of flesh can still be seen clinging to bone but the skin has dried to a consistency not unlike thin, crisp paper. The eyes are no longer in their sockets.

Panel 3:

MP is awoken by a knock at the door. He was lying down asleep on the couch. MP's facial hair should have an extra day of noticeable growth to show a day has passed.

SOUND EFFECT:

knock knock

Panel 4:

Same as Panel 4 from Page 1. MP has cracked the door, leaving the chain on, and out of the crack we see Nancy, his wife, who unsuccessfully attempts a smile through tearing eyes.

NANCY:

Hi.

Panel 5:

Same as Panel 5 from Page 1. Same set up as the previous panel but now we are looking in at MP from outside the room. The door is still cracked and we can still see the chain on the door. We can see MP's face through the crack; he looks tired and emotionless.

Panel 6:

Same as Panel 6 from Page 1. MP stands aside to allow Nancy access. Nancy enters the apartment and looks around at the condition of his temporary living space. Nancy is small in stature and timid in personality.

NANCY:

This... this place could use a woman's touch.

MP:

What did you expect?

MP:

What are you doing here?

NANCY:

I'm sorry I sent Larry to talk to you.

Panel 7:

Same as Panel 7 from Page 1. We face the chair from the far side of the coffee table. MP is sitting down to our immediate right on the couch and Nancy is about to sit in the chair across from us but must move something out of the chair first. Instead of putting the items on the table as Larry did she picks them up and keeps them in her hand so she may have something to occupy her nervous hands. What she's picking up is indistinguishable. Nancy is looking down at the seat of the chair as she collects the items. See Page 6 Panel 1 for what the items are.

NANCY:

I just didn't know what else to do.

NANCY:

I tried calling but you don't answer. I'm so worried about you John. The house is so empty without you and I can't sleep when you aren't there next to me.

Page 4 (seven panels)

Panel 1:

Same as Panel 1 from Page 2. We face a seated MP who only stares down into space.

MP:

What are you doing here Nancy?

NANCY (off panel):

When are you coming home?

NANCY (off panel):

John please let me help you.

MP:

Is that why you came? Because you're lonely?

Panel 2:

We face Nancy who only stares down into space. Tears fall down her face as she looks down at her lap. She's holding and nervously playing with whatever she picked up out of the chair so she could sit down.

NANCY:

I'm pregnant John.

NANCY:

I couldn't tell you over the phone and I'm sorry to tell you now but I'm pregnant.

NANCY:

I used to daydream about telling you I was carrying your child and I'd image how happy it would make you to find out.

Panel 3:

MP sits on the couch listening to an off panel Nancy without looking at her. A tear runs down his cheek.

NANCY (off panel):

I hope it's a boy because I know you always wanted a boy.

Panel 4:

A side view of Nancy. She's nervously digging through her purse for a tissue. Tears stream down her face.

NANCY:

But if it's not, I mean, that's ok because I know you want a big family and I want to have a big family with you and I love you and I know you'll love this baby no matter what it is and... and...

Panel 5:

John and Nancy sit without saying a word. Nancy sobs into a tissue unable to hold back any longer.

Panel 6:

A close up of Nancy's face as she wipes the tears from one of her eyes with the tissue.

NANCY:

John... say something John. Please say something.

Panel 7:

A close up of John's face. He looks blank.

MP:

Go away.

Page 5 (seven panels)

Panel set up should be identical to Page 1 and Page 3 in concerns of panel size and placement.

Panel 1:

MP, with a shaky hand, holds a glass of bourbon close to his mouth while sitting on the couch. He has been crying. MP's facial hair is now even longer showing another day has passed since Nancy came to see him.

Panel 2:

Before he is able to drink MP bursts into tears and sobs uncontrollably.

Panel 3:

Through his tears MP takes a drink of his drink. There is a knock at the door.

SOUND EFFECT:

knock knock

Panel 4:

Same as Panel 4 from Page 1. MP has cracked the door, leaving the chain on, and out of the crack we see General Callahan looking in. See episode for reference.

GENERAL:

Quanzon.

Panel 5:

Same as Panel 5 from Page 1. Same set up as the previous panel but now we are looking in at MP from outside the room. The door is still cracked and we can still see the chain on the door. We can see MP's face through the crack; he looks tired and emotionless.

MP:

General Callahan.

Panel 6:

Same as Panel 6 from Page 1. MP stands aside to allow General access. General removes his hat as he enters.

GENERAL:

Your superiors tell me you have not reported for duty in quite some time.

MP:

Yes sir.

MP:

May I ask what you're doing here sir?

GENERAL:

You know why I'm here Quanzon.

Panel 7:

Same as Panel 7 from Page 1. We face the chair from the far side of the coffee table. MP has not begun to sit down on the couch yet and General is about to sit in the chair across from us but stops completely upon noticing what exactly is in the chair. See Page 6 Panel 1 for what the items are.

GENERAL:

Your wife came to see...

Page 6 (seven panels)

Panel 1:

A close up of General's fingers holding a little green army man plastic toy. These were the same toys his son Trevor was playing with at the time of his death.

GENERAL (off panel):

Where did you get this?

Panel 2:

We see MP who is still standing.

MP:

It was Trevor's, sir.

GENERAL (off panel):

Sit down Quanzon.

Panel 3:

MP has sat down on the couch.

MP:

Thank you, sir.

MP:

After they took Trevor away there were all these little green men around. When I got home I realized my pockets were filled with them.

MP:

I don't even remember picking them up.

Panel 4:

General, still standing and with his back to MP, closes his hand into a tight fist around the army man toy. General is staring off forward into the distance and must remind himself why he is in that room.

MP (off panel):

I am sorry sir.

GENERAL:

Quanzon...

MP (off panel):

I was too ashamed...

GENERAL:

Now you listen to me son and you listen good.

Panel 5:

General has turned to look at MP as he speaks to him. General looks stern and angry though his anger is not directed towards MP in particular it is simply rage looking for a direction.

GENERAL:

It was my son who died.

GENERAL:

My son.

GENERAL:

You have no right to mourn him. Do you understand?

MP (off panel):

Yes sir.

Panel 6:

The general finally sits down in the chair. General stares directly at the off panel MP while speaking at him.

GENERAL:

You didn't kill Trevor. Not by negligence or desertion or ignorance or even lack of ability.

MP (off panel):

But if...

GENERAL:

I'm not done speaking soldier.

GENERAL:

Your wife came to see me. Seems you have a family of your own now.

Panel 7:

MP sits on the couch with his palms covering his eyes.

GENERAL (off panel):

It's time to stop feeling sorry for yourself and remember that you've got a wife and a child on the way. Neither of which I have any longer. But that's my business and it never was any of yours.

Page 7 (seven panels)

Panel 1:

We see Trevor playing in the sand box from MP's point of view. Trevor looks up at MP innocently.

CAPTION:

But sir I don't even know what happened. One minute...

CAPTION:

Does it really matter what happened Quanzon?

Panel 2:

A distanced view of the sand box Trevor was playing in seen from MP's point of view. In the episode Quanzon walked away for a moment to light a cigarette and when he looked up again Trevor was buried. In the episode there is a shot of the sand box from where MP was standing and should be used as reference point for this and next panel.

CAPTION:

... he was... he was playing...

Panel 3:

Same as previous panel only now the mound of sand has collapsed in and buried Trevor.

CAPTION:

He didn't even make a sound.

Panel 4:

General has risen from his chair and has placed a consoling hand on MP's shoulder. MP is weeping. We only need to see a close up of the shoulder.

GENERAL (off panel):

I know what killed Trevor. I know who killed Trevor and that man is dead.

GENERAL (off panel):

But still my son is gone. He and his mother. Knowing why doesn't bring them back son -- it's the losing them that matters.

Panel 5:

General has stepped over to the coffee table and has placed something small onto it.

GENERAL:

Go home Quanzon.

GENERAL:

If you can't cope with what you've seen then do what I and many men before me have done -- throw yourself into your work until time does as it should and takes the pain away. The memory won't fade but it'll hurt less and less as the years go by.

Panel 6:

General, with his back to us and in the background, walks towards the door. He does not look back at MP as he talks to him. MP is barely seen in the foreground and only stares down at the item off panel atop the table.

GENERAL:

I'll see myself out.

GENERAL:

And Quanzon, clean this place up before you leave. I won't have the staff here thinking that a member of the United States military would so thoroughly disregard his own cleanliness.

Panel 7:

In the foreground we see a close up of the army man standing upright on the coffee table. MP begins to weep once again in the background.

The End
Rosa

Page One (seven panels)

Panel 1:

The entire panel is only text written in the font from the X-Files series.

TEXT:

3x08 Oubliette

In Seattle, Washington a kidnapping survivor named Lucy Householder inexplicably develops a mental bond with a young girl who is taken captive by the same man who had abducted Lucy as a child. This mental bond first surfaces when Lucy develops a sudden nosebleed while working her shift at Billion Burgers.

This is a story of Rosa, Lucy's supervisor.

Panel 2:

Behind the counter of a McDonald's-like restaurant called Billion Burgers Rosa (see episode for her reference) is placing wrapped egg/biscuit sandwiches into a bag. Across the counter there is a long line of customers. It is morning and natural light shines in through the windows yet the fluorescent lights within the lobby remain on.

CAPTION:

God I hate working mornings.

Panel 3:

Without smiling Rosa hands an off panel customer across the counter the bag she has just packed.

ROSA:

Thank you for choosing Billion Burgers.

Panel 4:

We face an angry customer as though he is facing Rosa from across the counter.

CAPTION:

They're either rude...

ANGRY CUSTOMER:

Could you hurry it up I'm late for work.

Panel 5:

Same as previous panel. We face a chipper customer as though he is facing Rosa from across the counter.

CAPTION:

... or worse, too cheery to have just woken up.

CHIPPER CUSTOMER:

Could you hurry it up I'm late for work. Haha.

Panel 6:

We see a side view of Rosa behind the counter talking to an inquisitive customer on the other side of the counter. Behind Inquisitive there are two people standing and ad-libbing to one another.

CAPTION:

But above all I hate being here this morning in particular.

INQUISITOR:

So I heard someone died in here last night.

ADLIB 1:

Did he say blood?

ADLIB 2:

I think he said blood.

Panel 7:

Rosa attempts to calmly move Inquisitor along. She remains behind the counter. We face her and Inquisitor's back is to us.

ROSA:

Nobody died sir a girl just got a nosebleed that's all.

INQUISITOR:

Are you sure that's all that happened? I mean, did you see it?

ROSA:

Yes I saw it. Can I take your order please?

Page Two (six panels)

Panel 1:

Inquisitor ponders the situation while the line behind him grows longer. The people just behind him begin angrily looking at the back of his head.

INQUISITOR:

Wait... you worked last night and this morning?

ROSA (off panel):

Yes and I have to work tonight too so maybe I can take your order before the line goes out the door.

Panel 2:

Rosa continues talking to Inquisitor who has now gotten upset. Standing next to Rosa his her manager, Mr. Jenkins, who has just approached.

INQUISITOR:

There's no need to be rude!

MR. JENKINS:

Is there a problem here Rosa?

ROSA:

No Mr. Jenkins.

INQUISITOR:

Yes sir there is a problem. Your employee was very rude to me and I have half a mind to take my business elsewhere.

Panel 3:

We face Rosa and Mr. Jenkins but Inquisitor speaks from out of panel. Mr. Jenkins looks at Rosa while speaking to Inquisitor. Rosa isn't surprised her boss is caving in so easily.

MR. JENKINS:

There's no need for that sir. Rosa give this man whatever he would like free of charge.

ROSA:

Yes sir.

INQUISITOR (off panel):

I wouldn't feed this crap to my dog!

INQUISITOR (off panel):

I'll take a #5 with orange juice.

Panel 4:

We face Mr. Jenkins in the foreground as he walks off the front line. We can see Rosa watching him leave from over his shoulder as he walks away.

CAPTION:

Any other day he would've sent me home for that but he knows if he did he'd have to cover the double today himself.

CAPTION:

'The responsibility of management' -- that's what he told me last night just before they hauled Lucy away and just after he told me I had to pull 12 hours today.

Panel 5:

Rosa hands Inquisitor a bag of food and a cup of orange juice. She looks stoic and unconcerned with his disapproval.

ROSA:

Thank you for choosing Billion Burgers.

INQUISITOR:

I'm still never coming back to this shithole.

INQUISITOR (thought balloon):

Man this smells good.

MR. JENKINS (off panel):

Rosa I've got a job for you.

Panel 6:

Rosa is looking inside the Women's bathroom in disgust. There is a mop and a bucket next to her. We cannot see inside the bathroom.

ROSA:

Jesus it's even on the walls!

Page Three (six panels)

Panel 1:

Rosa, while on break, uses a corded phone connected to the wall at her eye level. Her hair is down. She looks frustrated as she speaks into the phone.

ROSA:

... you'll have to pick them up I guess.

ROSA:

I didn't ask to work 12 hours today Richard I have too. I can't get out of it.

ROSA:

Well I'm sorry but they're your kids too you know.

Panel 2:

Rosa sits in the break room drinking a soda. A Billion Burgers tray with food scraps are on the table she is sitting at while she smokes. An ashtray lies next to the food tray. She has finished her lunch and is grabbing a cigarette before beginning work once again.

KEVIN (off panel):

Hey Rosa. You're here early.

ROSA:

Been here all morning.

KEVIN (off panel):

New girl?

ROSA:

Yeah. Jenkins got Emily to cover the evening shift but that meant she couldn't work this morning so here I am.

Panel 3:

Kevin, in the background, talks to Rosa while digging into his locker. Rosa stays seated in the foreground.

KEVIN:

You're open to close today? Bummer.

ROSA:

Yep.

ROSA:

But that's what happens when you hire people out of a halfway house.

KEVIN:

What'd she get locked up for?

Panel 4:

Rosa begins putting her hair back up. Her cigarette lies in the ashtray still lit. Kevin has sat down next to Rosa.

ROSA:

Jenkins won't tell me but she's skinny and she got a nosebleed so you do the math.

KEVIN:

Maybe a hooker too then. Blow ain't cheap.

ROSA:

That would explain why Jenkins hired her.

Panel 5:

Kevin has his foot in the chair next to him while he is tying his shoe. He looks at his shoe rather than Rosa while speaking. Rosa looks to the ashtray while grabbing her cigarette now that her hair is up once again.

KEVIN:

You doing ok? You look out of it.

ROSA:

No I'm fine. I'm just sick of this place. I feel trapped here you know? Like I'll never get out.

ROSA:

It doesn't help that Richard is, of course, being a Richard.

Panel 6:

Kevin has stood up. Our focus is still on Rosa so we cannot see Kevin from his shoulders up. Rosa is blowing smoke from her mouth but not looking up at Kevin.

KEVIN (off panel):

Try to lighten up. It's only a job not the rest of your life. You're here today and there's no getting around it so you might as well accept it and try to enjoy yourself the best you can.

ROSA:

Hah. Enjoy myself at Billion Burgers? People come here to die.

KEVIN (off panel):

There see -- already off to a good start.

Page Four (nine panels)

Panel 1:

We face Rosa who stands at the cash register. She's looking down at the numbers she's pressing.

ROSA:

So that's two #2s -- $15.31.

Panel 2:

A close up of a customer's hand passing Rosa's hand a twenty dollar bill across the counter.

ROSA (off panel):

Out of 20.

Panel 3:

A close up of Rosa's hands as she is about to mark the bill with a black, anti-counterfeiting pen.

CUSTOMER (off panel):

Ha ha. It better be real I printed it this morning.

Panel 4:

Rosa faces us as she unsuccessfully stifles laughter.

CUSTOMER (off panel):

Printed it this morning right? Ha ha.

ROSA:

No. No I'm sorry.

Panel 5:

Same as previous panel. Rosa looks down at the counter still smiling.

ROSA:

It wasn't funny at all it's just the seventh time I've heard that today.

Panel 6:

We see Rosa walking into an open, metal door marked FREEZER.

Panel 7:

We face Kevin who is standing in front of a grill tending hamburgers. He has his head down looking at them when Rosa calls to him from off panel our right his left.

ROSA (off panel):

Hey Kevin can you pass me a spat?

Panel 8:

Same as previous panel. Kevin is reaching over to his right to grab an off panel spatula. He looks down and to his right (our left) as he does so.

Panel 9:

Same as previous panel. Kevin is attempting to hand Rosa the spatula to his left (our right) and looks in that direction as he does so. Flying in from the right side of the panel is a frost ball that Rosa has thrown at him. She collected it from the freezer and does a good job of hitting him in the face with it.

ROSA (off panel):

HAHAHAHAHAHA!

Page Five (six panels)

Panel 1:

We face a teenaged Billion Burgers employee standing at the register. There's a customer in front of her with his back to us. He's an older man, beginning to gray, and he is very upset with her. As he berates her she does not stand up for herself; not because she is timid but more because she is non-confrontational and she isn't used to people arguing at her. Rosa is walking by when she notices the confrontation at the register.

CUSTOMER:

If you don't like your job then maybe you shouldn't be working here.

ROSA:

Is there a problem?

CUSTOMER:

Yeah there's a problem. This little bitch has a bad attitude. I want my money back and I want my order for free.

Panel 2:

Rosa looks down at and reaches into the off panel cash drawer.

ROSA:

Wow. Your life must be pretty pathetic if you get this worked up over a two dollar hamburger.

ROSA:

Tell you what... here's your money back. And you know where the door is... same one you came in.

Panel 3:

A side view of Customer shouting with Rosa across the counter. Rosa speaks and acts calmly towards the outraged customer. Teenaged employee looks at Rosa with wide eyes.

CUSTOMER:

You can't do that!

ROSA:

Yes I can.

CUSTOMER:

I'm reporting you to your manager!

ROSA:

Cry me a river right out the door buddy.

Panel 4:

Customer storms off money in hand. Rosa looks pleased with herself and watches Customer leave while speaking with Teen. Teen looks surprised.

TEEN:

Gee, thanks Rosa.

ROSA:

I've been wanting to do that for so long.

TEEN:

Won't Jenkins be pissed at you?

ROSA:

Let him be pissed. I'm not worried about it. Tomorrow always has a way of taking care of itself.

Panel 5:

Rosa stands in front of a time clock. Her day is finally over and she is relieved to be punching out. A co-worker, Doreen, has walked up next to her. Doreen is rather bosomy; see Page 6 Panel 5.

DOREEN:

Finally finished for the day?

ROSA:

Finally finished.

DOREEN:

You want a lift home?

ROSA:

Sure. It'll save Richard the trouble of having to unglue himself from the TV.

Panel 6:

Doreen and Rosa are riding in Doreen's car together. Doreen is driving of course.

ROSA:

Any hot plans for tonight?

DOREEN:

Me? Hot plans? My plans are only hot so long as the microwave's working.

ROSA:

Whataya say us girls go grab a few drinks?

DOREEN:

I'm game. How about I drop you off to get ready while I go grab some smokes?

Page 6 (six panels)

Panel 1:

Rosa walks through her front door and puts her purse down on a table just inside her house next to the front door. To our right of the door her husband Richard is sitting in an off panel recliner watching television. Richard, though we can't face him, faces our right towards the screen.

RICHARD (off panel):

Hey. What's for dinner?

ROSA:

I'm doing fine considering I had to open and close today. Thanks for asking.

Panel 2:

Richard is sitting in a ragged recliner watching a football game. His eyes are focused on the TV while he speaks to Rosa. We can only see the top of his head sticking over the back of the chair but we can see enough of the television to know what he's watching.

RICHARD:

Well I'm starving and the kids haven't eaten. Working all day doesn't cook them dinner so they can go to bed.

ROSA (off panel):

Well you'll have to deal with it. I'm going out with Doreen for a few drinks.

RICHARD:

How you plan on getting there? I'm not driving you.

Panel 3:

Rosa stands in the hallway bathroom putting on makeup.

ROSA:

Same way I got home; Doreen's driving. She'll be back in a minute to pick me up.

RICHARD (off panel):

What about food?!

Panel 4:

Rosa stands behind the ragged recliner putting an earring into her ear. Richard continues to watch the game. We face Richard in the foreground but can still see Rosa behind him. Rosa is looking over Richard's head at the TV with her head tilted. When her son calls for her from our left side of the panel (the front door is to our right) she doesn't look in his direction thinking it's nothing important.

ROSA:

Order a pizza. You can manage that can't you?

SON (off panel):

Mom-mie?

ROSA:

Yes sweetie?

Panel 5:

A young boy, aged around six, stands outside his bedroom. He wears only a tee shirt which is much too long for him and comes down to his knees. He has vomit down his front and on his chin. Rosa is approaching him without a second though and is beginning to kneel down next to him.

SON:

Mommie I got sick. I tried to make it to the bathroom but it came out too fast.

RICHARD (off panel):

Now who's going to clean that up?!

ROSA:

Good god Richard I'll do it. At least get off your ass and tell Doreen I can't go. And try not to stare at her chest this time.

Panel 6:

Rosa is on her knees wiping Son's chin. Son stands upright. They are both standing in the boy's bedroom. Rosa has not had a chance to change Son's shirt yet. Word balloons can run down both sides of the pair if they are centered in the panel. Son and Rosa won't take up much space so this will allow for the extra number of balloons.

SON:

Are you mad at me for being sick?

ROSA:

Of course not sweetie. You didn't want to be sick did you?

SON:

I wish you were home more mommie.

ROSA:

I wish I was too sweetie.

SON:

I know you would be home more if you could.

ROSA:

Such an understanding man. You'll grow out of that one day.

The End
Sheriff Frass

Page One (five panels)

Panel 1:

The entire panel is only text written in the font from the X-Files series.

TEXT:

3x12 War of the Coprophages

Misplaced panic has broken out in Miller's Grove, Massachusetts when a foreign breed of cockroach is found out the scene of several natural deaths.

This is a story of Sheriff Frass and his look at the other side of mass hysteria and those who profit by it.

Panel 2:

We see the wench of a wrecker pulling in the cable which lifts an out of panel car out of a ditch.

SOUND EFFECT:

Eeeeerrrrrrrrrrrkkkkkkkkkkk

Panel 3:

In a long panel we see to our left a car being pulled out of a ditch. The car crossed the median of a two-lane highway and went off the road in a nosedive on the left side of the road. A sheriff's car has pulled off the shoulder on the right side of the road which is also the right side of the panel. Sheriff Frass is stepping out of his cruiser. See episode for reference. Roy, the wrecker driver, is in his mid-thirties and wears a non-descript baseball hat to cover his receding hairline. Although we can see the wrecker in the road, centered in the panel, and Roy leaning over the tow truck's wench controls we can no longer hear the sound effects because Roy has halted his noisy work to greet the sheriff.

SHERIFF:

Morning Roy.

ROY:

Sheriff Frass.

SHERIFF:

Took you a while to get to this one.

ROY:

I gotta sleep sometime Sheriff. Lotta cars over the last few days.

SHERIFF:

Makes you wish you had another wrecker huh?

ROY:

Sad part is I was planning on buying one next month. But instead I got to work my ass to the bone and make do. Can't complain though – nothing's wrong with too much money.

Panel 4:

Roy and Sheriff look at the car which is hanging halfway into the ditch, the ditch being several feet deep, and half elevated above the road where it needs to be hauled up more by the truck.

SHERIFF:

This's the Sheridan's car right?

ROY:

Yep. Any word on how they're doing?

SHERIFF:

They got released already. Bumps and bruises.

ROY:

Figured Benny'd be blind.

SHERIFF:

How's that?

Panel 5:

The next two panels are a flashback sequence from several days earlier. Benny Sheridan and his wife are driving in their car at night. Wife is in the background riding in the passenger seat, Benny in the foreground driving. Benny looks forward calmly keeping his eyes on the road. He does not suspect what is about to happen to him. His wife is frantically digging through her large purse for bug spray because she thinks she has seen a bug crawling on Benny's right cheek (which from our perspective we cannot see). The Sheridans are a painfully average couple in their early 30s; the age in which they are just about to start a family but haven't as of yet.

CAPTION:

They were hauling ass out of town on account of all the cockroach stuff going on. Benny's wife could've sworn that she saw a roach crawling around on Benny's face.

Page Two (six panels)

Panel 1:

Same as previous panel only our perspective has flip flopped so Benny is in the background and his wife is in the foreground. Benny's wife is spraying him in the face with bug spray; so much so that he has put up his hands defensively and let go of the wheel. He shouts as she sprays.

CAPTION:

She hosed him down do good that not only could he not see the road but he took his hands off the wheel to try and guard his face. Or maybe he was just trying to slap the can out of her hand.

Panel 2:

A close up of a bug spray can held in Roy's hand. It's a green, plastic bottle called Die! Bug Die!. See chapter 10 on the DVD for reference.

ROY (off panel):

Fast as they were driving it didn't take long to nosedive right off the road.

SHERIFF (off panel):

Where'd you hear all that?

ROY (off panel):

Poison Control called and asked me what kind of spray it was.

Panel 3:

Roy returns to the wench controls. He smiles as he jokes with the sheriff.

SOUND EFFECT:

Eeeeerrrrrrrrrrrkkkkkkkkkkk

SHERIFF:

They find the bug?

ROY:

Hell no. I bet Mrs. Sheridan wished they did though. I imagine Benny's pretty pissed at her about now.

SHERIFF:

I'm surprised she didn't mace him by accident.

Panel 4:

The car has made its way to the back of the tow truck. The rear of the car is angled into the air and Roy puts the final hooks/cables underneath the car for support. The car's front two wheels still touch the road.

ROY:

Me too. I heard she hadn't slept for two days straight because she was so scared of those bugs.

SHERIFF:

Where'd you hear that?

ROY:

My sister works over at the hospital.

Panel 5:

Roy is climbing into the driver's seat of his tow truck. The door is still open as he talks to the sheriff who looks up at Roy while Roy looks down at the sheriff. Sheriff in the foreground looking up at the background Roy.

ROY:

Oh one more thing Sheriff - don't lick any envelopes for a while. Roaches lay their eggs in the glue. For some reason they're attracted to it. If you lick the glue the eggs get in your tongue and your body heat incubates them.

Panel 6:

Same as previous panel only Roy has closed his door and hangs his head and elbow out of the rolled down window still talking to the sheriff.

ROY:

Next thing you know you've got roaches hatching out of your mouth.

SHERIFF:

Now who the hell told you that?

ROY:

Does it matter?

Page Three (five panels)

Panel 1:

We see a massive bug tent covering a two-story house in the country. The house sits along a driveway around 20 yards in length. There are no trees or foliage around the house. Sheriff Frass has parked his squad car behind a white exterminator's van. He has already gotten out of his car and is walking passed the van which has a company logo printed on the side. The side of the van reads "Kill 'em All" with a cockroach begging not to be sprayed by a can of bug spray underneath the company name. Below the bug and the company name is a slogan which reads "Let God Sort Out the Segments." Frass is calling out to Harvey the exterminator, driver the van. Harvey stands in front of a small motor which is connected by a hose to the tent. Harvey and the motor are about 20 feet away from the house itself. The exterminator is wearing white coveralls with a non-descript baseball hat. He is not a fat man but he does have a pregnant man bulge.

SHERIFF:

How are you Harvey?

HARVEY:

Busy as hell. Booked for two months solid.

SHERIFF:

What all they have you doing?

HARVEY:

Playing god.

SHERIFF:

Harvey you're a bug man. Bug men don't play god.

Panel 2:

Harvey looks at the sheriff as Frass approaches.

HARVEY:

German cockroaches, the most common species in this area, only live three or four months. That means their perception of time differs greatly from our own. You could say a few generations of roaches evolve much the same way people do over a thousand years.

HARVEY:

This is a pretty old house sheriff meaning that as far as roaches go this could be the pinnacle of their society.

Panel 3:

Harvey continues to talk to the sheriff as Sheriff looks to the top of the off panel bug tent.

HARVEY:

Though they aren't capable of higher functions such as man is they could very well be far advanced in terms of their own species.

HARVEY:

For example they can probably tell when the sun will rise and set applying that knowledge to reproduction cycles and the estimation of their own life spans.

Panel 4:

Harvey speaks to an off panel Sheriff. Now Harvey looks at the tent though he more looks through the tent than at it.

HARVEY:

For all we know this day may have been prophesied by their wisest -- perhaps even postponed on several occasions through ritualism or sacrificial means.

HARVEY:

Maybe the wise bugs knew how to successfully plant subliminal suggestions into the minds of the occupants and only because of the current outside influence of this bug scare has those suggestions become ineffective.

Panel 5:

Sheriff looks at Harvey with disbelief (or more appropriately Sheriff looks at Harvey like he thinks Harvey's full of shit).

SHERIFF:

You really believe all that?

HARVEY:

No I don't.

Page Four (seven panels)

Panel 1:

Harvey kneels down to check the motor while Sheriff looks down at him.

SHERIFF:

I think you've been doing this too long Harvey -- the gas is getting to you.

HARVEY:

You know what I think? I think the bugs are loving all this panic. We're getting a taste of our own medicine. Some of us anyway.

SHERIFF:

What's that supposed to mean?

Panel 2:

Harvey, still kneeling looks up at Sheriff pausing from his work to speak.

HARVEY:

How do you think they feel every time you turn on a light?

SHERIFF:

Wouldn't know. I've only seen one or two round my place.

HARVEY:

You know what they say -- for every one you see there's a thousand you don't.

Panel 3:

Harvey has risen to his feet and is reaching into his pocket for something.

SHERIFF:

Yeah I heard that one before. That and them surviving a nuclear war. Always thought that was funny.

HARVEY:

What's funny is they'll survive a nuclear war but all you have to do is step on them.

SHERIFF:

Then why the gas?

HARVEY:

Foot's not big enough.

Panel 4:

Harvey wipes his hands on the handkerchief he pulled from his pocket. He looks down at his hands as he does so. Sheriff gives him a jesting/knowing look.

SHERIFF:

What is it they say about little feet?

HARVEY:

Come on sheriff. You know I got three inches.

SHERIFF:

You proud of that three inches?

HARVEY:

Three inches from the ground? Hell no I'm not proud of that -- scares women off more than anything.

Panel 5:

Sheriff has a stern look on his face as he speaks to the off panel Harvey.

SHERIFF:

So what's this I hear about you jacking up your rates? It's not right getting greedy when folks are suffering.

Panel 6:

Same as previous panel. Sheriff still looks stern as though he's playing the self righteous act.

HARVEY (off panel):

If you're looking for a discount sheriff maybe you should just say so.

Panel 7:

Same as previous panel. Sheriff looks deflated.

SHERIFF:

When can you fit me in?

Page Five (six panels)

Panel 1:

For the entirety of page five it is as though we are sitting in the passenger seat of Sheriff's car. He has stopped in front of a store which was looted/vandalized during the height of the cockroach scare. We look out of the driver side window putting Sheriff in the foreground and whatever is outside the window in the background. In this panel we see Kyle, the store owner, standing on a step ladder while nailing a piece of plywood to the display window on the front of his store. Kyle is an older man with a good-natured, country store proprietor look to him. He wears an apron as he puts the plywood up. The sheriff calls out to him.

SHERIFF:

How's the cleanup going Kyle?

KYLE:

Just boarding the place up Sheriff. Any word on catching whoever did this?

SHERIFF:

Nothing new to tell you Kyle. Good chance they're long gone by now.

Panel 2:

Same as previous panel. Kyle has climbed down from the step ladder and approached the sheriff's window. He is bent down and his face can be seen.

KYLE:

Doesn't matter any how I guess. Insurance man just left.

SHERIFF:

They take care of you?

KYLE:

Got a check big enough to save me the trouble of selling the place like I was planning to.

Panel 3:

Same as previous panel. Kyle has stood up straight to stretch his back so we only see his stomach through the window. Sheriff faces forward.

KYLE (off panel):

If you do ever catch whoever did this you thank them for me. But don't tell the insurance man I said so. I think mine's the eighth check he's written today and when he was done he asked me for a good hotel.

Panel 4:

Same as previous panel. Kyle again bends down to the window. Sheriff looks down at his passenger seat while speaking.

SHERIFF:

At least he wasn't local. I'd hate to see anybody else hurting because of this.

KYLE:

No he's from Boston. Big corporation -- they're not hurting. He might not want to be here but he's still got a job to go back to.

SHERIFF:

I'm just glad the worst of it's over. Seems like when Alt-Fuels went up it took the panic with it.

Panel 5:

Same as previous panel. Kyle is pointing behind his shoulder with his thumb signaling that he must get back to work. Sheriff looks at him once again.

KYLE:

Well I've got to get back to it sheriff.

SHERIFF:

What are you doing once you get the place boarded up?

KYLE:

Going to France. Tammy's always wanted to but we never had the money. Then it's off to Florida -- just bought a condo next door to her mom's.

Panel 6:

Same as previous panel. Kyle is walking away from the car further into the background but he has turned to call out to Farris. Sheriff stares forward with an expression of suppressed jealousy. Sheriff talks under his breath.

KYLE:

You should come down to visit when you get some vacation time. It's always sunny and we'll only be five minutes from the beach.

SHERIFF:

Yeah I'll go down there and strangle you ya lucky bastard.

Page Six (six panels)

Panel 1:

Sheriff, with his back to us and holding his hat in front of him where we cannot see it, walks through the hallway of a near empty hospital making his way towards a nurse's station/reception desk. The station is to our right and to our left in the foreground a timid, ashamed looking bald man in his 30s is sitting in a lone chair. In front of the station a 30'sish nurse and a young man with his arm in a sling stand together closer than a pair casually would. The nurse looks happy while she calls out to the sheriff.

NURSE:

Well Sheriff Frass -- long time no see.

SHERIFF:

Hardy har har.

NURSE:

Getting pretty tame around here sheriff. At moment only Mr. Eastman's waiting in line.

Panel 2:

We see Mr. Eastman, the sitting man who Sheriff walked past in the previous panel. He sits with his chin lower than his shoulders.

SHERIFF (off panel):

How long's he been waiting? I see the guy every time I've been here in the last week.

NURSE (off panel):

Third time he's been here in as many days. Repeated rectal exams. Says he's sure a bug's crawled up his butt. I think he just likes the attention down there.

SHERIFF (off panel):

And who's this young man with his arm in a sling?

Panel 3:

Nurse smiles calmly as she places a casually affectionate open palm on Jimmy's bicep. Jimmy grins calmly himself as she does so. They have been talking for quite some time and he has grown accustomed to her playful physical contact. Sheriff looks on with skepticism.

NURSE:

This is Jimmy who has been telling me all about how you can figure out a woman's sex life by the way she listens to music.

SHERIFF:

Is that a fact?

JIMMY:

Oh yes sir. Even beyond the casual observation of how the music a girl listens to dictates her type. Rock girls liking rock 'n' roll guys, etc.

Panel 4:

Jimmy is the only person predominately featured in the panel. Nurse's face can be seen peering in from the side of the panel looking at Jimmy in the same manner as a woman looks at an animal she admires.

JIMMY:

Like how some girls bounce around from band to band only appreciating whatever's new.

JIMMY:

There are girls who'll listen to the same CD for months but then they suddenly stop paying attention to the band all together. She wouldn't notice or care if they released three albums a year.

Panel 5:

Nurse, Jimmy and Sheriff stand in front of the nurse's station. Nurse and Jimmy lean against the counter top while Sheriff holds his hat in front of him with both hands. Sheriff looks at Jimmy with sarcasm written all over his face. Nurse looks at Jimmy with a knowing look.

JIMMY:

And sometimes a girl will like one song from a band and she likes it so much she buys the whole CD only to find out that it was just the one song she was into and the rest isn't worth hearing.

JIMMY:

But of course there are girls that have their old favorites that they hang on to forever and never get tired of.

NURSE:

I'm off work in 20 minutes and Jimmy here is taking me out for drinks so we can further discuss our music collections. What about you?

Panel 6:

Sheriff is putting his hat back on his head.

SHERIFF:

I'm calling it a night. Things have calmed down enough for me to finally go home and get some well deserved sleep.

JIMMY:

No old, dusty record to go home to sheriff?

SHERIFF:

It's been a long week son. If you don't want me to put that other arm in a sling for you I'd shut the hell up.

The End
Filth issue one

Page One: (eight panels)

Panel layout for page is three rows; first two rows three panels each, bottom row two panels. As always, unless otherwise specified use your best judgment as my layouts are only recommendations. I'll let you know if I need something specific.

Panel 1:

In the distance we see a slouched figure sitting at a recess of Playfair Steps. He is a black man in his early 30's who has been brutalized by a gang of thugs and now he sits alone and bleeding in the quiet darkness that 3am brings. In the extreme foreground we see a man's right hand hanging down his side. It is of the utmost importance that the foreground figure remain cloaked in shadows to conceal his identity and more importantly the fact that he is wearing his estranged wife's clothing. Foreground figure is still ascending the stairs toward his intended victim and is taking the last few steps as we look passed him to the background figure.

Reference for Playfair Steps can be found on Google images or any number of Edinburgh, Scotland websites relating to shopping/tourism.

Caption:

The trouble with people like him is that they think that they can brush off people like me.

Panel 2:

Same as previous panel only now the background character is closer to us and we can see that the foreground figure is now walking across the stairs' recess towards him. We can now begin to make out the slouched man's features: a black man, bloodied, wearing blue jeans, a red t-shirt and a black track suit top with orange stripes on the arms. Foreground figure's right hand has disappeared as he is reaching into his off panel purse which hangs from his left shoulder.

Caption:

They don't understand all those menaced souls clamoring for recognition.

Caption:

He was a very arrogant young man.

Panel 3:

Same as previous panel only now foreground figure stands only a few paces from the beaten man. Even more detail can be made out at this distance; we can begin to see the extent of the man's wounds, facial features, etc. Foreground figure's right hand has returned into our view and we see that it is firmly gripping a claw hammer.

Caption:

No longer.

Caption:

Now he's desperately trying to find some meaning in the bleakness around him.

Caption:

It must be lonely.

Panel 4:

The shadowed figure stands before the bleeding man and we look down on him from the shadowed figure's p.o.v. We see the bleeding man's face. He has been badly beaten; his eyes have swollen, his bottom lip and most of his face are bulging with bruise, blood pours from his wounds. His eyes, what little we can see passed the swelling, are lost; floating in his head unable to focus. He looks straight ahead talking at the presence before him, not the man in front of him.

Beaten Man (very weak, shaky and incoherent font):

...hospital...

Caption:

Human existence distilled to begging for the emergency services.

Panel 5:

We see the shadowed figure's arm raised in the air. We face the hammer at an angled view as it is at the height of its arch and about to strike down on the bleeding man's head.

Caption:

You spoiled things between me and my true love.

Caption:

Part of me is elsewhere as I'm bringing the hammer down on his head.

Panel 6:

Same as previous panel only now the hammer is raised at the height of its upswing. An arch of blood has been pulled away from the victim by the hammer and even small pieces of brain matter can be seen flying helter skelter (not from impact but from the hammer being forcefully pulled away from the opened skull).

Caption (bottom of panel):

I feel a surge of euphoria on my third strike as his head bursts open.

Caption (bottom of panel):

It smells but that's only him pissing and shitting.

Panel 7:

We look up from the bleeding man's perspective to see the attacker. The shadowed figure's body is still hidden in a darkness which has form and shape but we can make out his eyes peering down at us without hatred or malice; he is merely observing his completed task. The dark, winter sky can be seen above the shadow figure's head.

Caption:

I watch his twisting death throes, seeing him coming from terror to that graceless state of someone who knows that he is definitely falling.

Caption:

I've seen you, long ago. Black, broken, dying. I was glad then and I'm glad now.

Panel 8:

In the foreground we see the silhouette of the victim's head burst open and broken like a melon. His body has rolled on to its right shoulder and the head is lifelessly hanging from its neck. Blood gushes from the wound. We look passed the head to the background where we see the shadowed figure's back as he descends the stairs walking away from us.

Caption:

Out on the pavement it's very cold and totally deserted.

Caption:

There's no fear or regret but no elation or sense of triumph either.

Caption:

It's just a job that had to be done.

Page Two: (one panel)

Splash page.

Panel 1:

This is the introductory page for all of the characters Bruce Roberston, our main character, interacts with on his job. Bruce works for the Edinburgh, Scotland police as an investigator. All of his coworkers are pawns in his manipulations which he refers to as The Games (also the title for this issue).

This page takes place in a conference room at the police head quarters. The room contains two rows of tables with cheap, plastic chairs that face a chalk board. The set up is very similar to a small classroom with tables (that line the room) instead of desks. The room itself is institutional with fake, potted ferns in the corner and windows lining the outside wall covered by cheap, plastic shades. The story itself takes place in 1997 so the style of the décor should reflect an institutional, early 90's American style. Being that this is a police station funded by the government there is no room for frills in the appearance of the room; everything therein is placed there for purpose since budgetary restraints necessitate all public funds to go to the police officers' wages rather than any luxury for their building.

The single door in the room is situated on the adjacent wall from the chalk board. If we were sitting behind one of the tables the door would be in the upper right corner of the room. Our perspective for this panel is as though we have just walked inside this door. We are looking over everyone who has gathered for the briefing that concerns the murder we witnessed from the previous page.

Bruce sits in the middle of the back row. His arms are folded, he is hung over and looks as though this meeting was called solely to perpetuate the headache in his skull and the queasiness in his stomach. Amanda Drummond sits in the middle seat of the front row though not directly in front of Bruce. She has positioned herself there to be as studious as possible. She has a notebook along with a pen and a pencil on the table before her set out neatly to extenuate her studious attitude towards the briefing. She has turned to greet Karen Fulton who we see as she bends down to softly return Drummond's greeting while pulling out the chair to the right of Drummond. They are friends and they act in a friendly manner towards one another. Karen has not greeted Drummond this morning and this briefing provides her the opportunity to do so in a muted, quiet way. Dougie Gillman sits in the back row directly behind Karen Fulton. It is obvious that Dougie is checking out Karen's ass as it protrudes towards him. Gus Bain walks amongst those who are seated. He holds a brown, short cardboard box that contains food from Crawford's, a favorite eatery of those officers who care little for what they ingest. Gus is holding the Crawford's box low so Andy Clelland can take a sausage roll from it. Andy is seated the furthest away from us in the back row next to the windows. Andy has the look about him like he is at a party graciously accepting hors d'oeuvres from his host. Andy hides his inner demons/anguish behind a façade of boyish joy in life. Seated between Bruce and Andy Clelland we see Ray Lennox who is tense but calm; hawk-like in the way he observes those around him. He is keeping to himself and for all intents is aloof from the rest of the people in the room because his duties as an officer do not extend to this murder investigation and he is aware of this fact. He is here as a formality which, funnily enough, is exactly the way Bruce feels even though Bruce should and is required to be there. Ray sits closely next to Bruce and has his right arm hanging down the back of his chair (wrist resting on the top of the chair) and his left arm is stretched out so his left hand is resting on the table. His finger is tapping out a metronome rhythm in eighth notes on the table. Ray has his arms in this manner to show, using his body language, his closeness to Bruce; it is as though Ray could lean in at any second and whisper secrets to Bruce without much physical shifting. Lastly we see Peter Inglis seated in front of Andy Clelland in the front row. Peter has turned and acknowledged the interaction between Andy and Gus and is taking part in that interaction being the next in line for the Crawford's box. Dougie Gillman/Karen Fulton closest to us, Andy Clelland/Peter Inglis furthest away.

All characters on this page will have captions underneath them that contain their names for easy introduction; everyone except Bruce. The only regular character not featured in this panel is Robert Toal who will be featured prominently over the next few pages. For all character descriptions please refer to the Character Descriptions page. Caption placement is unimportant unless where specified. Empty chairs should also be present where space between characters will allow, mostly/especially in the front row.

The idea behind the placement/activities of those in this room is to show everyone interacting in some way with the other people in the room. Bruce, however, interacts with no one. He is concerned only with himself and watches the world go by around him from an outsider's perspective. Ray, Bruce's protégé, attempts to do the same but with his finger tapping even he is interacting with his environment in some way. Every one in the room is talking to another, staring or simply making a noise in the world around them and therefore they are taking part in that world.

Issue Title (top, middle):

The Games

Caption (left corner beneath title):

Edinburgh, Scotland

Caption:

Woke up this morning. Woke up into the job.

Caption:

The job holds you.

Caption:

Sometimes you get your wee zones of relative freedom to retreat into, those light, delicate spaces where new things, different, better things can be perceived of as possibles.

Caption:

Then it stops.

Caption:

Suddenly you see that those zones aren't there anymore. When did this happen? The realisation came some time after. The zones got smaller and smaller until they didn't exist and all that's left behind is the residue.

Caption:

That's the games.

Caption:

Everybody has their wee vanities. My own little conceit is that nobody plays the games like me, Bruce Robertson.

Sound Effect (Ray's finger tapping):

tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap

Character Caption 1:

Gus Bain

Character Caption 2:

Ray Lennox

Character Caption 3:

Andy Clelland

Character Caption 4:

Gus Bain

Character Caption 5:

Karen Fulton

Character Caption 6:

Amanda Drummond

Character Caption 7:

Peter Inglis

Page Three: (seven panels)

Three rows; first row two panels, second row one panel, third row four panels.

Panel 1:

Bruce sits in his chair staring at an off panel Toal (Toal at the 'head of the class' with the chalk board) through bloodshot, sleep-depraved eyes. He rubs his 2-day facial hair growth with one hand in an act of frustration/agitation.

Caption:

The games are always, repeat, always being played.

Caption:

Like now, I'm sitting here with a bad nut and Toal's thriving on this.

Caption:

I got three sheets last night and this lightning is nipping my heid and my bowels are as greasy as a hoor's chuff at the end of a shift doon the Fish Factory.

Panel 2:

We see Toal who stands before all those in the room. See Character Descriptions page. He begins his self-indulgent, community theatre spiel of a briefing. He looks down at the opened file in his hand as he lists off the facts of the case from it.

Toal:

Our victim is one Efan Wurie; a black male in his early 30's. He was found on Playfair Steps this morning by council refuse workers.

Panel 3:

We face Toal as though we are an unfortunate member of his audience. Toal uses this briefing as a vehicle for his own creativity (or his failed attempt at creativity). He fancies himself a writer/storyteller and this is the one audience he can tell stories to; an audience who must listen. Toal looks away from his file now and speaks as a storyteller would. Imagine a street performer giving a Shakespeare monologue as passer bys do not drop money into his hat.

Toal:

It seems to have been a fruitless night for our friend. He was in the Jammy Joe's disco until 3am. and went home alone. We can perhaps assume that our man felt very much an outsider, alone in a strange city which seemed to have excluded him.

Toal:

He was probably making his way to hotel accommodation but we all know there are certain routes you shouldn't take in a strange city after dark.

Toal:

Places like dark alleys where the ambience of such surroundings might incite even a reasonable person to perpetuate an evil deed.

Toal:

As he neared the stairs perhaps the victim...

Clell (off panel):

Boss, a wee point of order.

Panel 4:

We see Clell speaking to an off panel Toal. Though he looks as though he is completely serious it is clear to his colleagues that Clell is mocking Toal.

Clell:

Maybe we shouldn't stigmatize the guy by referring to him by such a pejorative term as victim?

Panel 5:

We face Toal who obviously looks upset to have the wind taken from his sails. For the sake of bureaucracy he indulges Clell.

Toal:

...perhaps the deceased though twice about climbing that staircase.

Panel 6:

Toal is getting back into 'story mode'. His eyes have squinted together as though he has just reached the ironic climax of a ghost story.

Toal:

The guy must have felt fear.

Toal:

Is fear not the way of telling you that something is wrong?

Panel 7:

Toal has his quivering, upturned fist held out before him at chest level to comically (for us) punctuate his words. His exposed teeth are clenched under his presumed power of the word 'pain'.

Toal:

Like pain?

Page Four: (seven panels)

Three rows; first row three panels, second row one panel, third row three panels.

Panel 1:

Toal faces us as he passionately holds up one finger in the universal gesture that means one. He's really getting into it now as he nears his crescendo.

Toal:

A savage beating took place. One, only one, of the assailants went further than the others and struck the man with an implement. A hammer.

Panel 2:

Toal faces away from his audience; he has turned to his side (facing the door). Both hands are raised to chest height before him and he leans slightly down with his shoulders as though he were one of the assailants but he is not comfortable enough around his peers to completely commit himself to the 'character' so he comes out looking stiff and even more foolish than he normally would. His hands before him are tensed and he is mimicking the act of striking downward with an invisible hammer. His other hand still holds the file from Page 3 Panel 2 and he is even crumpling it slightly under the pressure of his performance.

Toal:

Driven into a frenzy the assailant did this repeatedly until caving in the man's skull.

Panel 3:

Toal's shoulders are now slouched down and his head hangs low. He looks deflated and defeated. This truly is amateur theatre at its best worst.

Toal:

And so the refuse workers found him just before dawn.

Toal:

That will be all for now.

Toal:

Bruce, a word?

Panel 4:

Bruce stands before Toal as the other officers (barely seen in the panel) file out. Bruce looks relaxed and disinterested, like he's only at this meeting as a courtesy; like the meeting has nothing to do with him passed this very moment and he is more than happy to leave the case up to those fellow officers all of which he views as beneath him in all respects. Toal is matter-of-fact. He expects Bruce's responses, anticipates them even, and has planned authoritative contingencies. Bruce's last word balloon and the last caption in the panel should be placed close to one another.

Caption (top left corner):

Fuckin Toal. Wants tae be a scriptwriter. Trying to write a telly or film script or some shite.

Toal:

Bruce, I'm needing you on this case. Seems the victim was connected. His father's an ambassador for Ghana. He's a journalist as well. Niddrie's got my nuts in a sling and I need your homicide experience...

Bruce:

It's just a nigger. Not exactly a shortage of them, is there?

Toal:

I don't want any canteen culture bullshit on this investigation Bruce.

Bruce:

I think you're forgetting I'm on my winter's week brek in just over one week's time.

Caption (bottom right corner):

I'm thinking of my forthcoming holiday in Amsterdam and my favorite hoors d'oeurves and I'm thinking of two vibrators, one up her arse and one up her cunt. The technology of love.

Panel 5:

We face Bruce who looks shocked by Toal's words.

Toal (off panel):

All leave is suspended for Serious Crimes personnel. Memo comes round today.

Bruce:

I'm on leave in 9 days' time Brother Toal.

Panel 6:

We face Toal who looks frustrated by Bruce's words.

Toal:

Don't you be bloody difficult...

Bruce (off panel):

My leave is booked.

Caption:

Toal's always resented me; my pull with the lads; my status as Federation rep and my prominence in the craft.

Panel 7:

We face Bruce as he storms out of the briefing room doorway towards us. If space allows Toal could be seen still standing in the room rubbing his eyes in frustration over Bruce's shoulder.

Caption:

That's what cuts the ice with the boys in the canteen; not fucking name, rank or serial number.

Caption:

The basic fact is that nobody tells me what to do.

Page Five: (seven panels)

Three rows; first row two panels, second row three panels, third row two panels.

Panel 1:

We see Bruce's Volvo, a bland-colored early 90's model European 4-door sedan, driving through snow and frost covered streets in the daytime. It is early December in Scotland. The weather is nasty with every running car on the road spitting visible exhaust from their rear and every pedestrian is bundled and freezing. We are in a non-residential district so we see city streets; pedestrians on sidewalks, parked cars lining said sidewalks, etc. Bruce's Volvo drives towards us angled so some of the side can be made out. The car is distanced enough from us that we cannot make out who exactly is in the car.

Since this story takes place in an actual city a great deal of reference for the look of the city can be found on any number of websites. Most importantly I'd like American readers to always realize that we are in a European country by making sure to include those minute details which makes even an Americanized country seem different such as the lamp posts, cars driving on the opposite side of the road, the architecture of storefronts and buildings in general, traffic signs/lights, etc.

Caption:

I'm trying to shake off the bad taste in my mouth caused by the hangover and the presence of a certain Mr Toal so early in the day.

Caption:

This necessitates getting the fuck out of HQ for a while.

Panel 2:

We face the front seats of the car and see Ray Lennox (driver) and Bruce (passenger) as they drive through the streets. Remember that the steering wheel is on the opposite side from American cars. Ray looks over to Bruce as he speaks with him. Bruce looks stern, filled with hatred and contempt while he looks out the window with furrowed brown. His distaste for humanity is clearly evident as he watches the off panel pedestrians.

Caption:

Ray Lennox is thinking along similar lines.

Ray:

All set for the Dam?

Bruce:

Aye, we're booked up: now Toalie's trying to play the fuckin toss-bag. He's got the shits about this coon that's been topped.

Panel 3:

We see Bruce from Ray's p.o.v. Bruce stares off in Ray's general direction while expressing his frustration animatedly with his right hand. For panels 3-5 we will basically be lapping around Bruce's 3, 12 and 9 o'clock.

Ray (off panel):

Fuckin spastic.

Bruce:

Every fucker kens I have my three week's summer in Thailand and my winter's week in the Dam. Tradition.

Bruce:

Custom and fuckin practice.

Panel 4:

We face Bruce as he continues his rant. Bruce rubs the bottom of his chin with the back side of his index and middle fingers in a masculine manner while staring ahead through the windshield.

Bruce:

Nae pen-pushing cunts are stopping that. No siree.

Bruce:

I'll be fuckin well shaggin for Scotland come the tenth of this month.

Panel 5:

We see Bruce from the side opposite of Lennox. Bruce leans his head back into the head rest looking pleased with himself while thinking of Ray's misfortune.

Ray (off panel):

Tell ye what though Robbo, you've got a very understanding wife. If Mhari had found out I was off to Amsterdam...

Caption:

Ray's bird. She left him anyway.

Panel 6:

We see Ray from Bruce's p.o.v. Ray looks forward through the windshield as he speaks while keeping his eyes on the road.

Caption:

Probably wasn't giving her enough. Of course, Ray could never give any bird enough.

Ray:

I'd watch Toal though. You know how insecure that spastic is.

Bruce (off panel):

And he was trying to butter me up about all my homicide experience.

Panel 7:

We see Bruce and Ray as if we're sitting in the backseat of the car so we only see the back of their heads. We can see Bruce's right hand over the top of and in between the front seats as he's raised it in exasperation.

Bruce:

Where did I get most of it though? Over in fuckin Australia, which counts for nothing with these spastics when it comes tae promoted posts.

Ray:

Crawford's?

Bruce:

Aye.

Page Six: (six panels)

Three rows; each row two panels.

Panel 1:

We see a side view of Bruce sitting on the toilet. With the hand closest to us he is wiping his butt. We do not need to see his butt touching the toilet; stomach up view and the toilet's tank will suffice. The toilet itself is an old model with the pull chain and the tank suspended above the seat connected to the wall.

Caption:

After a couple of bacon rolls I go into the bogs.

Caption:

I have a rash developing on my testies and my arse. Caused by excess sweat and chaffing, the quack said.

Panel 2:

Same as previous panel. Bruce now has his hand down between his legs scratching vigorously. He has a look of concentration on his face.

Caption:

I scratch like fuck feeling a delicious liberation as the wound tears and pulsates.

Caption:

My balls are not too bad.

Caption:

I go back up without bothering to wash my hands.

Panel 3:

We see an angled side view of Bruce (now driving) as he and Ray make their way back to HQ. Bruce has a look of pride on his face and is puffing up his chest as he rubs his stomach gluttonously.

Ray (off panel):

You down the lodge tonight?

Bruce:

Nah... maybe Thursday.

Ray (off panel):

Quiet night with the missus?

Bruce:

Yeah, Carole's making a special meal tonight.

Panel 4:

We see a side view of the Volvo as they drive down the winter weathered daytime streets passing a restaurant called Tinelli's Restaurant.

Ray (off panel from passenger's side window):

I wish I had somebody to make me a special meal.

Bruce (off panel from driver's side window):

You're no telling me that you've no got something oan the go?

Panel 5:

Panels 5 and 6 will look as though we are facing Bruce and Ray in one, long bisected panel. In Panel 5 we face Bruce (at eye level over the hood) sitting on the left side of the panel driving the car with all balloons/captions to the right side of the panel. Bruce looks over at Ray joyously mocking him with his words.

Ray (off panel):

Nah, since I split up with Mhari ah've been daein a bit a sniffin, but thir no bitin.

Bruce:

Hav tae fix ye up wi ma sister-in-law again, eh Ray!

Caption:

He hates to be reminded of the time we both rode that cow.

Panel 6:

We face Ray (at eye level over the hood) sitting on the right side of the panel with all balloons/captions to the left side of the panel. Ray stares out of the passenger-side window looking embarrassed, angry and doleful all at once. His left elbow rests on the door pressed against the window as he rests the larger knuckle of his bent index finger on his lips.

Caption:

Every cunt has their Achilles' heel, and I always make it a point of remembering my associates' ones. Something that crushes their self-image to a pulp.

Caption:

Yes, its all stored for future reference.

Page Seven: (six panels)

Three rows; first row one panel, second row two panels, third row three panels.

Panel 1:

Bruce walks through the office at HQ. The best reference for the look of the office would be from the television show Homicide: Life on the Street. The office has an open floor setup with no partitions, not even cubical walls. Only desks and chairs spaced apart from one another. We don't need an introductory view of the office, just enough to place Bruce therein.

The office is crowded with random people (some seated but most walking about anxiously or standing and talking to one another) and a few familiar faces from Page Two (excluding Ray Lennox). All background people have a look of collective distress; they've just received news that effects them all negatively (suspended holiday vacation for all). Bruce however looks stern, strong, aloof and unaffected by the general mood purposely keeping himself detached from those around him.

Caption:

Back doon at HQ everyone's gaun fuckin spare about the holiday memo. Of course, they're all looking to me, as Fed rep, for a bit of leadership.

Caption:

But I've got to keep my nose clean.

Caption:

There's the new D.I. post which is coming up soon. No way would I put my neck on the line for any spastic in this place, although I obviously keep them thinking otherwise.

Panel 2:

Bruce sits at his desk absently skimming through the file on the Wurie murder. He sits to the lower left side of the panel so thought balloons and captions can arch down from the top left corner to the bottom right corner of the panel.

This will be the first panel that features dialogue captions that lack punctuation. These captions signify a deeper part of Bruce's psyche, a portion of his consciousness which he has been trying to bury for as long as he can remember but still it burrows its way to the surface from time to time and without Bruce realizing it he is vulnerable to this surfacing after the murder he has committed. This panel also features thought balloons to show his more surface, immediate thoughts; those instant reactions that dissipate almost as quickly as they appear.

Bruce (t.b.)

Mister Efan... father is the... staying at the... only checked in a couple of days ago.

Caption:

A couple of days ago...

Caption:

That means

Caption:

Shouldnae fuckin well be here.

Caption:

He should not

Caption:

A journalist.

Caption:

that wisnae

Caption:

What sort of a journalist was he?

Caption:  
Only on some commie nigger rag that no cunt reads.

Panel 3:

Bruce has left the office and parked his Volvo at a farmhouse in rural Scotland. The back of Bruce's car can be seen at the bottom left of the panel as Bruce walks away from it up a slight incline towards the covered front porch of the farmhouse positioned in the upper right of the panel. The off panel sun has lowered in the sky darkening all foliage but casting few shadows buried behind clouds as it now is. The ground is muddied but the cold has frozen the majority of sludge.

Caption (bottom, right):

I decide to knock off early, taking the motor out to my pal Hector the Farmer's, whose got some good video tapes.

Panel 4:

Bruce stands on the front porch talking with Hector who stands in the doorway. Hector is firmly gripping Bruce's hand in a handshake. Hector is the average post middle-aged farmer type: stocky, ruddy, white hair and beard, tweed jacket, cords and boots.

Hector:

Got time to come for a dram?

Bruce:

Sorry mate, I'm on a murder investigation.

Panel 5:

Bruce, who looks nonchalant and dismissive of the gravity of the investigation, is still on the porch talking to Hector who stands with his arms crossed and his shoulders broad atop an ironing board posture. Hector is taller than Bruce but Hector does not need shorter people around him to feel tall and proud.

Bruce:

Some daft nigger's only gone and got himself topped. Still, there's big OT possibilities.

Bruce:

Got the goods?

Panel 6:

A close up of a plastic Tesco's bag which contains two VHS tapes. The bag is neatly folded over the tapes and acts as wrapping paper for them. Hector is handing the tapes off to Bruce. The neatly folded bag shows Hector's respect of pornography.

Hector (off panel):

Aye.

Page Eight: (eight panels)

Three rows; first row three panels, second row two panels, third row three panels.

Panel 1:

Bruce is at home sitting in a wooden rocking chair in front of an off panel television. He's watching pornography with a look of concentration that is never equaled on his job. He studies what he is watching.

The layout of the living room, which we'll be visiting quite frequently throughout the series, is as follows: if we were standing just inside the front door we could turn to our right and see an ancient looking coal-burning stove used to heat the house before the installation of central heating. The stove has a wide, metal pipe running from its top into the wall behind it that vents the smoke out of the house. The front door itself is situated near a corner of the room (our bottom left) with a window to its left between the door and the corner but lack of space will allow for nothing else. The wall running the length of the living room to our right (adjacent to wall containing front door and stove) has a doorway which leads into the master bedroom, situated several feet from the bottom right corner, and next to that door there is a couch lining the wall. In front of the couch is a coffee table and on the wall across from the couch is the television/entertainment center. On the far side of the couch (away from the bedroom door and the stove) there is a gap of wall several feet long (allowing space enough to place the rarely used rocking chair) before the kitchen doorway which is in the same wall that the couch lines and is situated in the top right corner of the room. Situated in the corner of the adjacent wall from the kitchen door is another door that leads to the smaller bedroom of the house. Directly across from the front door (lining the same wall as the second bedroom door) there is a stereo system setup with only a tape player, an unused record player on top and speakers that rest on both sides of the main unit and are set on the floor rising several feet from it. To our left on the far side of the television there is a sparsely filled bookcase containing few books; it holds mostly pictures of Bruce's daughter, wife, himself and pictures of his wife's family. The room is rectangular in shape: the walls that contain the front door/stove and the opposite containing the stereo setup and second bedroom door are the shorter sides of the rectangle. There is the one window directly to our left next to the door and two windows on the wall to our left (one on the left side of the TV/entertainment center, the other on right side of the bookcase if we were facing that wall). Random, arbitrary and customary pictures hang on the walls above the TV and bookcase and over the couch.

In summary starting with stereo (at 12 o'clock and directly across from front door) and going clockwise we have: stereo, bedroom door (next wall) kitchen door, space for rocking chair, couch, bedroom door (next wall) coal stove, front door, window (next wall) window, TV, book shelf, window.

Bruce has pulled the rocking chair from next to the couch to be closer to the television. It has been placed in front of the coffee table.

Caption:

I'm home, home alone, although that's my business...

TV (off panel):

Aherrrmmphh... uugh... ugh... ugh... mmmmhhmmm...

Panel 2:

Same as previous panel. Bruce's concentration has hiccuped by what he sees on screen. One brow has lifted.

Caption:

...not Ray Lenn...

TV (off panel):

Ladies... you need some dark meat to go in that skillet you'r...

Panel 3:

We see the TV screen which is solid blue with the VCR text of Stop in the top left corner of the screen.

Caption (bottom):

No black studs.

Panel 4:

We are looking through Bruce's p.o.v. His gaze has left the TV screen and has wandered up and to his right so in the bottom left corner we can still see the blue glow from the television but we are more focused on several of the pictures on the wall, the bookcase and the window next to the bookcase. All photos on walls and bookcase are not clearly defined; we can tell they're family and school photos but no more.

Bruce suffers from intense anxiety and being alone at night drastically increases his mental anguish. The walls and the house itself are against him. All edges look menacingly blunt and the natural look/shape of the room has taken on an almost hallucinogenic appearance. It's as though the house is a sentient being but without limbs the only method for lashing out at Bruce is a psychological attack. The room looks gaudy with too many rough edges; it is misshapen and untrue.

Caption:

I'm not thinking about work.

Caption:

I'm here, at home.

Caption:

I go to the kitchen and pour a large measure of reassuring whisky. The unease passes.

Panel 5:

We face a half asleep/half awake Bruce as he sits in his rocking chair in front of the TV. His head is unnaturally drooped to one side and there's a nearly-empty bottle of whiskey in his lap. His face looks sickly pale and is covered in a thick layer of alcohol sweat. The TV casts a blue, sterile light across him.

Caption:

I'm half-dozing and half-awake, thinking of Carole. She'll be back soon. She knows what side her bread's buttered on.

Caption:

I can't go to bed, not until it gets light.

Panel 6:

This is the first of the recurring panels I will refer to as 'Worm' panels. These are panels which feature the thoughts of the tapeworm which has set up residence in Bruce's intestines. For these panels we will see the worm's dialogue set over action happening behind the dialogue. Matching the look of the dialogue with that portrayed in the novel would be a good idea. A separate, solid hue can be used for the action to help differentiate from the worm's dialogue but this hue should be wholly different from the dream-like look of the 'Carole' sequences which start on Page Thirteen of this issue. Also, the "OOOOOOOOOOOOOO"s of the worm's dialogue can be edited as needed for the space within the panel but remember that the dialogue, unless otherwise noted, needs to take up the entirety of the panel and the action happening behind it will always be without words.

The action for this 'Worm' panel is simply a tighter view of Bruce as he finally dozes off in his rocking chair.

Worm:

OOOOOOO I OOOOOO I am OOOOOOOO I am alive OOOOOOOOO I am alive OOOOOOOOOOOOO I am soft and I am weak OOOOOOOOOOOOOO I must grow OOOOOOOOOO I must eat OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO I must grow strong OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO eat OOOOOOOOOO eat OOOOOO eat OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO eat eat eat eat OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO eat OOOOOOOOOOOOOO eat OOOOOOOOOOOOOO big and strong OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Panel 7:

We see Bruce lying in bed on his back from an overhead vantage point. He still sweats profusely and has just been startled awake from a nightmare. He lies completely sprawled out with his fingers appearing talon-like while he claws at the bed. Waded on the bed several feet from his head is a woman's nightgown. It is severely wrinkled and has not been washed since the last time is wife had worn it. The room is dark as it is still night time. We should only see Bruce and the bed, no background views of the bedroom itself.

Caption:

I'm in bed.

Caption:

I don't remember going to bed. This is unusual for me.

Caption:

My head feels broken and weak, like its been smashed open and its contents spilt all over the pillow.

Panel 8:

We see a close up of Bruce's hand as it tensely clutches the nightgown.

Caption:

I sense the space beside me and I grab at her dressing gown.

Page Nine: (seven panels)

Three rows; first row two panels, second row three panels, third row two panels.

Panel 1:

Bruce cradles the nightgown against mouth/chin. He looks comforted and relieved; not longingly or joyously.

Caption:

It still has her smell.

Caption:

I'd let it go in the night and I had the bad dreams as a result.

Panel 2:

It's morning now and Bruce, huddled and freezing, walks towards us down a snowy sidewalk. Several paces away from him (closer to us) a homeless is walking towards Bruce in an effort to incept him and beg for change.

Caption:

I decide against the car and head for the bus stop with a strange mixture of liberation and despair, realising that its only ten-twenty a.m. and I've already decided I'm going to be out drinking tonight.

Homeless Man: Mister...?

Panel 3:

We face the homeless man with his hand extended towards us. We see him from Bruce's p.o.v. as he begs for change. He is dirty and his clothes are in tatters. He is underdressed for the chilling Scottish winter. His face is red from the cold and he has large, round eyes. He is in his 40's but sleeping rough has aged him another ten years.

Panel 4:

Bruce grips the homeless man's extended hand and shakes it with an over exaggerated firmness smiling maniacally at the man as he does so.

Bruce:

Jesus loves you.

Panel 5:

The homeless man is in the foreground watching Bruce walk away into the background. The homeless man looks hostile with what little of his face we can see from this perspective.

Caption:

If it wasn't coming up to the season of goodwill I'd've had the cunt pinched.

Panel 6:

We're back in the briefing room from Page Two. In the foreground we face Drummond who is in the act of sitting down in a seat already pulled out. She is so close to us that we can only see her torso/breasts/arms. We look passed her to see Bruce sitting behind/to the right side of her. He looks disgruntled and tired, his line of vision directed at the bra strap running across her back.

The off panel seating arrangement (facing the 'students) is as follows: (front row) Drummond on left and Inglis on right, (back row) Gus on left and Bruce on right. Drummond is positioned between Gus and Bruce.

Caption:

The last thing I need first thing in the morning is yet another briefing about this Wurie murder.

Bruce (t.b.)

What the fuck is Drummond daein on a murder team? Wouldnae trust her to pick the fucking curtains.

Panel 7:

We see Drummond from Bruce's p.o.v. (an angled view from behind so we can partially see the return of 'studious' Drummond's face). An off panel Toal stands before the 'class'.

Caption:

She'll be away soon, some cunt'll knock her up the duff and that'll be her playing at polis over.

Toal (off panel):

As you know we have a positive I.D. on our victim.

Page Ten: (seven panels)

Three rows; first row two panels, second row three panels, third row two panels.

Panel 1:

We face Toal over the heads of the seated detectives.

Toal:

Efan Wurie: freelance journalist from Ghana, working in London. We've heard from the Met that our man was recently a victim of an attack.

Toal:

On February second this year he left a bar with friends when he was set upon by some thugs with baseball bats. No arrests were made.

Panel 2:

We face Drummond in the foreground and can see Gus Bain behind her, both seen at eye level. Gus innocently asks a racially biased question totally unaware of how racist it really is. Drummond rubs her eyes with the fingertips of one hand in frustration at being surrounded by such 'apes'.

Gus:

You think maybe one ay they racially biased mobs did the darkie-boy over?

Toal (off panel):

*sigh* Bruce, can I see you in my office in an hour?

Panel 3:

We face Bruce in an angled side view as he looks up at an off panel Toal.

Bruce:

Need to make it two hours. I've a meeting with the Lothian Forum on Racial Equality. I thought it best that we keep in touch, this being a sensitive case.

Toal (off panel):

Good thinking Bruce. Make it two hours then.

Caption:

I need two hours for my lunch, minimum requirement.

Panel 4:

We see Drummond from Bruce's p.o.v. She has turned in her chair to speak to him. She looks at Bruce with genuine confusion.

Drummond:

I was speaking to Alan Marshall at the Forum this morning and he said nothing to me about a meeting with you.

Bruce (off panel):

Must be some wires getting crossed somewhere Mandy love.

Panel 5:

Same as previous panel but we see a tighter shot of Drummond focusing on her face but not in a close up. She has the look of barely restrained anger.

Drummond:

It's Amanda, and it's not 'love'.

Panel 6:

Bruce's Volvo is parked along the sidewalk in front of Crawford's. Bruce (driver) and Gus sit in the car. Remember reversed steering wheel.

Bruce (from driver side off panel):

That Drummond lassie. Needs a good fuckin ride, that's what she needs.

Gus (from passenger side off panel):

Yir an awfay man Bruce.

Caption:

Gus' a nice old cunt. A bit churchy, but he doesnae push it doon yir throat.

Panel 7:

We see Gus from Bruce's p.o.v. Gus is looking towards us; he smiles a mildly challenging smile as he speaks to Bruce.

Bruce (off panel):

Looks the type that's been disappointed by a man. Probably frigid.

Gus:

Nice lassie though.

Bruce (off panel):

Oh aye, nice lassie.

Caption:

Best to back down at this stage. I'll put Gus right about that hoor soon enough.

Page Eleven: (four panels)

Three rows; first row two panels, second and third row one panel each.

Panel 1:

Back at HQ we see Toal standing in front of an opened doorway which leads into an interrogation room. This interrogation room is found in the main office that Bruce works in (see Page Seven Panels 1 and 2). Toal is calling out to an off panel Bruce and pointing inside the room. This is a friendly meeting, Toal isn't calling out to Bruce in a stern manner.

Caption:

We get back an hour later when who should come down into the office but Toal.

Toal:

Robbo...

Panel 2:

Inside the walled, typical interrogation room (reference again with Homicide: Life on the Street) Bruce has his back to Toal as he has just walked passed him and is now several paces away as Toal closes the door.

Caption:

We agreed two hours; he's fucking up my crossword time.

Toal:

You know things are pretty stretched around here, particularly until we get the new D.I. post filled.

Bruce (t.b.):

My post.

Caption:

It's mine, my entitlement, in terms of experience. What did they think I was daein in Sydney for six bastarding years? Playin fuckin tiddle-winks?

Panel 3:

Seen from an angled, overhead view Toal paces back and forth in front of Bruce who leans against the interrogation table.

Toal:

I decided that with your homicide experience you were the man to lead the team on the Wurie case.

Caption:

Counts for nowt, overseas service, under their stupid rules.

Toal:

Effectively then, you'll be the acting inspector.

Caption:

And cause of her.

Toal:

I'll be around to oversee, but I'm pretty much tied up with this reorganization bollocks.

Caption:

Cause of Carole.

Toal:

If you get a result here it'll stand you in good stead for eh... the future.

Panel 4:

In the foreground we see Bruce and Toal just after they have exited the interrogation room. In the background Drummond can be seen talking to Gus while waiting for Toal. She has just looked away from Gus to see that Toal has finished and is walking towards her. Toal looks back at Bruce as he walks away from us.

Drummond:

Bob, can I have a quick word?

Bruce (t.b.):

Bob, is it now?

Toal:

Mind Bruce, what I said.

Bruce:

Aye.

Caption:

Toal thinks that if he makes me responsible for this case then I won't take my break in the Dam. Fuck his memo; I'll kick up a stink through the Federation and the craft if I have to.

Caption:

Same rules apply.

Page Twelve: (five panels)

Two rows; first row two panels, second row three panels.

Panel 1:

Bruce stands triumphant with his arms held high and a pool cue in one hand. He is at a Masonic lodge (having just won a pool tournament) surrounded by other random men who do not exactly celebrate his victory. Ray is off to the side looking pissed off at losing but he is actually more pissed off at Bruce's level of gloating.

Caption:

It was a good night at the pool round robin. I won the tournament emerging 4-3 victor.

Caption:

The sad cunt Lennox took the hump and fucked off. Don't play with the big boys if your cue action isn't up for it and Lennox's sure ain't.

Panel 2:

Bruce walks out of his kitchen with two glasses of scotch through to the living room where Bladesey (see Character Descriptions) sits on the couch. Clifford Blades looks slightly melancholy after a few drinks at the lodge. As Bruce enters Blades has turned his head (while keeping it hung low) in Bruce's general direction to speak to him. The flat is dirty and littered with several empty cartons and wrappers strewn about hap hazardly. Bruce's living room, not very littered now, will get progressively worse each time we see it. In this panel it can just use a good picking up but by Issue Five it is sickeningly disgusting. The rocking chair has been turned around so it faces the couch from across the coffee table.

Caption:

Back at mine I pour myself a good measure of twelve-year-old Chivas Regal and I fill a glass with Tesco's Scotch Whiskey out of one of the plastic bottles for Bladesey.

Blades:

You're so lucky with your wife. She seems to understand you.

Caption:

This is my mate for the trip; God help us.

Panel 3:

On the left side of the panel there is a sidebar running from top to bottom within the panel. This way the text is more descriptive of his situation and introduces it much like an outside observer would. On the right side of the panel we face Blades who is wincing as he drinks the cheap scotch.

Caption:

It looks like he's ready to open up about this big piece he married last year. Bunty.

He worships the big cow.

Of course, she seems to treat Brother Clifford Blades like shite. This means that the woman needs a good fucking or a better one than Bladesey's capable of giving her.

Same rules apply.

Bruce (off panel):

Listen Bladesey, my auld mucker, are you shagging her?

Panel 4:

We face Bruce sitting in the rocking chair as he breaks into a spiel. Bruce has climbed on his soapbox with the help of drink and he speaks to Blades as if he were attempting to verbally house break a dog (complete with pointing and Blades being 'talked down' to). Blades is not pictured in panel because Bruce doesn't care whether Blades hears him or not; Bruce prefers the sound of his own voice over Bladesey's acceptance of his advice.

Blades (off panel):

Well... eh... actually...

Bruce:

With women what you have to do is shag them regularly. Keep them well fucked and they'll do anything for you.

Bruce:

The root of a marital problem is always sexual. Women like to get fucked, whatever they make out. If you ain't fucking the woman you're with then that creates a vacuum and sure as fuck some cunt'll come along and fill that gap.

Bruce:

Fill it with several inches of prime beef.

Panel 5:

We see a tight view of Bruce as he continues his spiel. His tone has turned to one of nonchalance.

Bruce:

And if she's no daein it for you, you go and get your hole somewhaire else.

Page Thirteen: (seven panels)

Three rows; first row two panels, second row three panels, third row two panels.

Panel 1:

This page is the first 'Carole' sequence. Bruce is in the habit of pretending to be his estranged wife Carole and dressing in her clothing. The real Carole is staying with her mother and therefore during the 'Carole' sequences that is where Bruce pretends that he is rather than in his own home. 'Carole' sequences will all be shown in a dream-like haze to detach it from the rest of the story. We are never able to actually see 'Carole's face; we only ever see parts of her body where her face is not featured in the panel, her face clouded by shadow or her face shown at such a distance that the dream-like quality of these sequences do not betray her true identity. For all intents and purposes we are seeing Carole. 'Carole's body is that of a woman, her shape is that of a woman, she lacks the body hair of a man, etc. One of the big payoffs in this story is when the reader realizes that 'Carole' is really Bruce in drag so it is of the utmost importance to hide the fact that 'Carole' is not the real Carole. His/her identity isn't reveled until the end of the fourth issue.

This page takes place in Bruce's bedroom and therefore special precautions will need to be made to keep this room from being recognized as Bruce's since Carole is really at her mother's. Superficial details can be changed to help hide this fact and is justified by Bruce using his imagination to change minor details in order to delve deeper into his fantasy. An example would be that Bruce's bed will be in the same place in this 'Carole' sequence but the duvet will be different. The mirror that 'Carole' looks into will have different wood workings around the borders than Bruce's actual mirror does but will still be in the same location in his room. It's all really the same but slightly different, just different enough to not give away what is really happening. Showing as little background as possible will drastically help in keeping the secret of location.

Since this page takes place in Bruce's bedroom I will go ahead and give the layout for said room. Standing in the doorway and looking in we see that the door is in the bottom right corner of the room through our perspective. At the far end of the adjacent wall to our right there is the bathroom door located in the top right corner of the room. Directly across from us are the double doors to a small, walk in closet. To the left of the closet doors there is a nightstand (which has a lamp and several magazines on it), then a bed, then another nightstand (which has a lamp, an ashtray and a small, framed school picture of Bruce's daughter Stacey, aged six in photo – this nightstand also has a drawer) followed by only a few feet before the top left corner of the room. On the adjacent wall to the bed in the top left corner there is a window, followed by a medium-sized chest of drawers, followed by another window. Lining the wall to our left there is a large dresser complete with drawers and a mirror.

In this panel we see a woman's naked back as she looks into the closet. She has parted the two closet doors and her hands still linger on them. To reiterate; although this is Bruce we see a woman's body standing before the closet. Her hair has a perm and rests on her shoulders in a puffed out manner. Bruce bought a wig for these occasions.

Caption:

The problem with Bruce is that he keeps it all in.

Caption:

His hard front fools a lot of people, but I really know my man.

Caption:

To know him is to love him and I certainly know him.

Panel 2:

We see a woman's slender hand flipping through clothing hanging from the rail inside the closet. Her nails are not painted.

Caption:

What I know for instance, is that Bruce has an effect on women. I know because I'm aware of the effect I have on men.

Caption:

If you're a sexy person you're always very much aware of the sexuality of others. It becomes a common currency, a code, an unspoken language.

Panel 3:

We face 'Carole' as she lays out a blue skirt on the bed which is still on its hanger. Her head is down obscuring our view of her face. The bed is also made (with a differently patterned duvet) which is something we never see Bruce's bed being.

Caption:

I spend a lot of time getting myself ready because I always like to look good for him, and for myself too.

Caption:

Some women say that you shouldn't dress to please a man, but when you love someone you revel in their pleasure and I'm guilty of that and I always will be.

Panel 4:

A close up of 'Carole's fingertips buttoning a blouse. The fingers are, of course, the fingers of a woman.

Caption:

I love the feel of this particular blouse on my skin.

Panel 5:

A close up of 'Carole's lips as she expertly applies lipstick in the mirror. We can only see from below her nose down and what we can see is a woman's facial structuring.

Caption:

I admire my full mouth and nice big lips.

Caption:

Bruce always admires my lips.

Panel 6:

We see 'Carole's body reflected in the mirror from the shoulders down. She is inspecting herself somewhat posing to do so. She wears the skirt from Panel 3 and the blouse from Panel 4.

Caption:

Yes Carole, you've still got it girl.

Caption:

I'm definitely losing that bit of weight I put on; the skirt is hanging well.

Caption:

I'm thinking about Bruce all the time...

Panel 7:

A close up of 'Carole's arms hugging herself. We cannot see her face as the panel cuts her off just below the shoulders but just above the breasts. She has turned and leans against the edge of the dresser with her back to the mirror.

Caption:

... thinking about how we play these break-up/make-up games with each other, how these wee absences we take from each other are just a tease, which only make our hearts grow fonder.

Caption:

I feel a need and an aching for him.

Caption:

I'll have to get back to him soon.

Page Fourteen: (five panels)

First panel thin and going halfway down page, next two panels long and thin extending across the page; first three panels take up upper half of page. Lower half of page; two side by side panels. As always these are only recommendations for layout but should something specific be needed I'll let you know.

Panel 1:

Bruce stands in his bedroom wearing only a pair of boxers, an undershirt and socks. A pile of clothes lay on his unmade bed and he's holding up a pair of black pants as the morning light pours in through the windows across his back. Remember this is the same room from the previous page so please take special precautions to not give away 'Carole's secret.

Caption:

It took me ages to get ready this morning because I couldnae think what to wear.

Caption:

It's Carole's fault, if she was going to shoot off, she could at least have arranged a fuckin laundry service before she went.

Caption:

I discover a pair of flannels which aren't too bad once I've shaken out some of the dead skin cells.

Panel 2:

We face Estelle at the interrogation table. She looks off at the walls disinterestedly chewing gum.

Caption:

I'm glad I made the effort because my wee girlfriends are in for questioning. I could fucking well love this wee Estelle right doon tae her pores.

Bruce (off panel):

So you didn't see anyone behaving suspiciously at the nightclub?

Estelle:

Nuht.

Bruce (off panel):

And you didn't see Terry Lawson, Fingers Billy, Ghostie Gorman, Simon Williamson or Alex Setterington?

Estelle:

Nuht.

Caption:

Gus has her mate Sylvia next door. I'd like to see how he gets on.

Panel 3:

Bruce is stepping outside of the interrogation room. He looks disgruntled. People are going about their day in the background.

Caption:

This fuckin case. We're making no fucking headway.

Caption:

Sylvia and Estelle I got a vibe off, but that was probably because they were shags rather than because of any information hey had. I'll haul them in again later on.

Caption:

That wee Estelle. Phoah!

Panel 4:

Bruce sits at his desk and is talking into the receiver of his phone. He has turned away from any onlookers in the office somewhat hiding himself and what he is doing from those around him. Bruce is prank calling Bunty, Blades' wife. Bruce pinches his nose as he speaks into the receiver.

Caption:

Bunty. I've never met her. I try to picture Bunty, I think of Bladesey. He reminds me of Frank Sidebottom; the comedian with the Manchester accent.

Caption:

Thank fuck that 1471 call-back facility hasn't been installed here yet.

Bunty (off panel over the phone):

Hello?

Bruce:

I got your noom-bih from a friend.

Bunty (off panel over the phone):

What do you want?

Bruce:

He told me all about you. Said you were a brilliant fook...

Caption:

My cock stiffens as the line goes dead.

Panel 5:

Bruce is rising to leave while looking at his watch and grabbing his coat from the back of his chair.

Caption:

The problem with my game is that we're not great thinkers. We do. You have to keep doing, to find things to do.

Caption:

We're the law enforcers of society. That means we are paid to do a job we can't fucking well do because of all these snidey little cunts: the politicians, lawyers, judges, journalists, social workers and their ilk.

Caption:

Take the city of Edinburgh... arm me and I'd pay a few house calls, leave a little lead and you just watch the crime figures drop over the following few months.

Page Fifteen: (five panels)

Three rows; first row two panels (first panel one-third length of row), second row one panel, third row two panels (last panel one-third length of row).

Panel 1:

We look through Bruce's parted, hairy and bare legs to see Dr. Rossi, his physician, knelt down on the floor looking up at and inspecting Bruce's testicles with a tongue depressor. Bruce is in a doctor's office for a check up.

Caption (top, left):

The Robertson solution. Real Zero Tolerance.

Rossi (bottom):

Well Mr. Robertson, this looks like eczema.

Panel 2:

Dr. Rossi has stood up and talks to Bruce as Bruce buckles his pants back around his waist.

Bruce:

Eczema! But here... I mean, people get eczema on their back, or arms or face...

Rossi:

Eczema can occur anywhere. It can be hereditary. Were your parents prone to it?

Caption:

Parents fuck off parents fuck off parents fuck off

Panel 3:

Dr. Rossi holds the door for Bruce as Bruce exits through it. Should we have extra room in this panel I'd like to add in background, rudimentary items found in any doctor's office such as a counter top (with jars containing tongue depressors, q tips, etc.), a hand sink, a chair, etc. It'd be nice if the room could feel as impersonal as possible to reflect Bruce's mental state. Like he feels he is not uniquely considered by anyone around him and this is one of the causes for how he chooses to lash out through manipulations and sexual gratification.

Rossi:

I can't emphasize strongly enough that you should keep that area clean.

Bruce:

What's brought this on?

Rossi:

You may be allergic to a certain foodstuff. It may be part of the stress and anxiety-related condition you've been experiencing.

Caption:

Stress. That figures. The fuckin job. Toal's caused this!

Caption:

I take Rossi's creams and head back to HQ.

Panel 4:

Over Bruce's shoulder (foreground) we see him looking up from his desk as he notices the angry approach of Ray Lennox. Ray holds up a folded newspaper in one hand, the source of his anger.

Ray:

Seen the paper Bruce? There's another headline about local coons criticizing the police. One of them's that Forum cunt Marshall.

Bruce:

They should call that paper the 'Coon, Poof, Silly Wee Lassie, Schemie and Communist News'.

Ray:

It gets on my fuckin tits.

Panel 5:

We face Bruce who has casually leaned back in his chair.

Bruce:

Listen Ray, I ken you're no officially on this investigation, but I think we should pay our pal Ocky a wee visit.

Bruce:

Remind him who his real mates are...

Page Sixteen: (five panels)

Two rows; each row two panels each. First panel contains a small, insert panel.

Panel 1:

This is a small insert panel placed in the top left corner of Panel 2. We see a close up of Bruce's knuckles rapping on an apartment door.

Caption (top):

... his mates on this side of the divide.

Panel 2:

Bruce and Ray stand before Ocky's flat awaiting a response from within. Ocky's flat is accessible through a hallway which contains doors to other flats. Bruce and Ray casually face the door as though they were visiting an acquaintance; not a friend but an acquaintance. Good reference would be the Vincent Vega/Jules Winfield scene from the beginning of Pulp Fiction while they await their meeting with Brad. Remember that Panel 1 is placed in the top left corner of this panel.

Ray:

Looks like we've got those jakeys in that new age crowd bang to rights Robbo. That Fuckin Sunrise Community.

Bruce:

Fuckin well time n aw Ray. These things are springing up everywhere. Cunts think they can live just by looking after each other and dancing to fuckin music.

Bruce:

He's no here.

Panel 3:

Bruce and Ray are sitting in Bruce's Volvo waiting for Ocky to return home. Bruce sits in the driver's seat.

Bruce:

Those Sunrise fuckers just want to hypnotise the young cunts with these free parties and get them on drugs.

Bruce:

They havnae even got a fuckin telly in that farmhoose. They can afford a huge fuckin sound system, but they cannae afford a telly!

Ray:

Scumbags. We'll do the cunts. If there isnae any collies there when we arrive, there will be when we turn the place over.

Panel 4:

Our p.o.v. is as though we are sitting in the back seat behind the driver (Bruce). We, Bruce and Ray all look out the passenger side of the car to see the backs of Ocky and a young girl (too young) who has just walked passed the car. The couple are close enough together for us to know they are a couple.

Ray:

Tidy wee piece.

Bruce:

Wee being the operative word. This is a stoat-the-baw situ.

Ray:

Always hard to tell. Curvy wee erse.

Bruce:

Never mind the fuckin erse, did ye clock her coupon? A wee fuckin bairn!

Panel 5:

We face Bruce and Ray seeing them through the windscreen of the car. Ray looks over at Bruce while Bruce watches an off panel Ocky walking through the front entrance to his building.

Ray:

What dae ye want tae dae?

Bruce:

Steam in, just what these cunts dae. Only nae cunt steams in like the polis. We're the hardest firm in this toon. Same rules apply. C'mon. We use The Beast routine, that'll spook the cunt.

Ray:

Aye.

Caption:

I know The Beast routine off by heart. I should fuckin know it.

Page Seventeen: (seven panels)

Top third of page is one row; four panels (middle of row two small panels one atop the other). Panel 5 tall and thin at left of page below Panel 1. Remainder of page two rows; one panel each.

Panel 1:

Bruce and Ray stand in the hallway outside Ocky's door. Ray is reaching his hand into a coat pocket.

Bruce:

Reckon he'll be giving it one by now?

Ray:

I would think so. Want a line?

Bruce:

Right.

Panel 2:

We see a close up of Ray's nose as he sniffs a small mound of cocaine off the corner of a credit card.

Sound Effect:

snnnniffffffff

Panel 3:

Same as previous panel only now it's Bruce's nose sniffing the coke.

Sound Effect:

sniiiffffffffffffffffffffffff

Panel 4:

We see a side view of Bruce as he aggressively pounds on the door. Ray stands in the background puffing himself up and getting into character.

Sound Effect:

BAM BAM BAM BAM!

Ocky (off panel from inside flat):

Awright, awright! Ah'm comin'.

Panel 5:

This panel will serve as the proper introductory panel for Ocky. We face Ocky as he stands in the opened doorway. He wears only a t-shirt and boxers along with a scared shitless look on his face. His mouth and eyes have widened with shock.

Caption:

Ocky, aka Brian Ockenden, aka soft little twat with a gob who got in too deep.

Caption:

Ocky's an E-riddled fanny merchant who hangs out with some of the top boys because they like the cunt's devastating wit.

Caption:

He's been feeding us stuff on them for years.

Panel 6:

We face Bruce from inside the flat. He has just pushed passed Ocky (square shouldered) to gain entry. Ocky stands to the side of the opened door allowing access while Ray shouts in Ocky's face with fierceness. Bruce is smiling as he looks about the flat and Ocky looks after him as Bruce speaks. Make sure Ocky does not stand against the door since Ray will slam it shut in the next panel.

Bruce:

Mister Ockenden. Hello.

Ocky:

You cannae come in...

Ray:

SHUT THE FUCK UP!

Ray:

YOU FUCKIN WELL SPEAK WHEN YOU ARE SPOKEN TO OR I'LL FUCKIN WELL HAVE YOU RIGHT NOW! GET IT?!

Panel 7:

Ray slams the door for emphasis as he continues staring and yelling at Ocky. Ocky looks at Ray with his palms out trying to calm Ray while still attempting to save face. Bruce has thrown an arm over Ocky's shoulders and grins lasciviously at him as he speaks directly into Ocky's ear.

Sound Effect:

SLAM!

Ray:

I ASKED DO YOU FUCKIN GET IT!

Ocky:

Aye... cool it man, I've no done nowt.

Bruce:

Where's the bedroom?

Page Eighteen: (six panels)

Three rows; each row two panels.

Panel 1:

In the foreground we see the bedroom door that Bruce has slowly pushed open. The door was left ajar and therefore he opened it by pushing high above the doorknob. His arm can still be seen lingering on the door. We look through the opened, foreground door and inside the bedroom we see a girl sitting on a bed wearing only a t-shirt and panties. She is too young. She looks up angrily at the interloper but her stern front will not hold long.

Layout for bedroom: standing inside the doorway we see a bed to our right, the foot of which points towards the center of the room with the head of the bed lining the wall to our right (not the wall with the doorway). Across from the doorway and several feet from the foot of the bed there is a small, weathered table with the girl's purse on top along with an ashtray, a lamp and a small stereo surrounded by several CDs strewn about with jewel cases in disarray littering the table. To the right of the table is a tall, thin bookcase that contains movies (VHS tapes) and more CDs but is mostly barren. Behind the bed there are two windows each on both sides of the bed. The bed does not have a headboard but is rather a pair of mattresses setting solely on a frame. To our immediate right there is nothing but a small nightstand with only another ashtray on top.

Ocky (off panel):

It's... but thir's somebody in thaire...

Stephanie:

What's this? Who are you?

Panel 2:

Bruce has entered the bedroom and has shut the door behind him. From over Stephanie's shoulder we look up at Bruce who has his badge out and his game face on. He is intimidating her by remaining at a higher eye level and looking down at her.

Bruce:

Police. Do not attempt to leave this room. What's your name?

Stephanie:

I don't have to say anything to you...

Bruce:

Make it easy on yourself hen... how old?

Stephanie:

Sixteen.

Panel 3:

Bruce still stands near the closed door and from his p.o.v. we see him focused on Stephanie's purse. We can see Stephanie to the right of his view, her head is lowered in defeat and her knees are up to her chest.

Bruce:

Any ID?

Stephanie:

Fifteen... but I'll be sixteen in September.

Caption:

Titties aren't large, but certainly firm enough. Yo ho ho and a barrel of fun.

Panel 4:

In the foreground we see Stephanie's purse as Bruce spills the contents out on the table. Passed the purse in the background we see that Stephanie is covering herself with the duvet. Tears have begun to well up into her eyes as she watches her purse being emptied. Along with the usual purse items (wallet, gum, makeup, brush, pens, etc.) a clear packet of pills fall out of the purse.

Bruce (off panel):

D.S. Lennox!

Stephanie:

I... I didn't...

Panel 5:

From a perspective as though we were standing in the corner of the room (on the far side of the bed, furthest from the door) we see Bruce inspecting the pills by holding the packet high in the air yet close to his eyes. Ray has opened the door and peers in with only his head/face visible. Stephanie continues to sit on the bed watching her life flash before her; she faces away from us in the lower left of the panel.

Bruce (top, middle):

Looks like MDMA tablets to me. Note that they were found on this girl's person. Please also note that this girl is under the legal age of consent.

Ray:

Check...

Bruce (lower right):

What did you say your name was?

Stephanie:

Stephanie...

Panel 6:

We see over Bruce's shoulder as he looks down at the frightened girl on the bed. Stephanie, with her fingers, pulls one side of her hair over her ear mechanically as she hollowly stares at the corner of the room across from the bed where the wall meets the floor.

Bruce:

Stephanie you're in very serious trouble.

Bruce:

You stay here and think about how silly you've been. You're going to have to give us a wee bit of co-operation here my girl.

Caption:

A whole fuckin lot of co-operation.

Page Nineteen: (four panels)

Four rows; one panel each row.

Panel 1:

Seen through Bruce's p.o.v. as he exits the bedroom. We see Ocky, sitting in a wooded chair that Ray has pulled away from a wall and centered in the front room, and Ray, who talks down to Ocky from a close enough distance to make Ocky feel that Ray is uncomfortably close. Ocky looks up at Ray giving him a nervous, all-lads-together look. From what can be seen of Ocky's front room there has been no attempt to properly furnish the space. Inside the front room there is a ragged couch, a small television placed atop self-made shelving, dying potted plants that were drunkenly stolen from the lobbies of neighboring buildings, etc. Placement is unimportant.

Ray:

Judges are coming doon hard as fuck on stoat-the-baw.

Ocky:

I thought she wis sixteen. She telt me she wis.

Bruce (off panel):

Sorry mate, but as Ray here says, this isnae the time to be done for stoat.

Panel 2:

From Ocky's seated p.o.v. we look up to see Ray and Bruce having their fun. They look down at Ocky as they talk down to him returning Ocky's all-lads-together look (from previous panel) with the same though theirs are laced with an underlying evil intent.

Ray:

Aw aye. Every cunt loves a stoat-the-baw. All the red-blooded males in Saughton understand the score. A standing prick hath no conscience.

Bruce:

Problem is ye tend tae get a loat of fisherman's tales oan the inside, only wi stoat, the size goes doon the wey instead of up the wey.

Panel 3:

We see Ocky at eye level between Ray and Bruce's bodies. His head is low and he stares into the distance as he focuses on the mental picture the detectives are painting for him. He is shaking, sweating and scared.

Ray (off panel):

Thing is if somebody fae the polis was tae tell a screw like Ronnie McArthur, a strict freemason and a staunch family man, that the lassie was eleven... or ten... or even eight...

Bruce (off panel):

Ah know what you're gaunny say Ray: the poor cunt's life wouldnae be worth livin'. He'd be taken to The Beast's wing.

Bruce (off panel):

Ye see Ocky, thir's this guy inside, on the Beast's wing. Thir's loads a beasts oan the wing, but only one that they call The Beast.

Bruce (off panel):

He's no the felly ye want to share a cell wi man. But Ronnie would be forced tae make it happen if it got aroond that the lassie thair was eight years auld.

Ray (off panel):

For your ain protection likes.

Panel 4:

We face Ray and Bruce who face/talk to each other almost as if Ocky wasn't there. We see them at their eye level.

Bruce:

Some protection, The Beast is fuckin mental.

Ray:

They did have the cunt in Carstairs for a bit. But he escaped.

Ray:

The good thing though, thir wis a few fields between him n the toon. Local livestock took the brunt of The Beast's frustration.

Bruce:

They had tae put four cows doon eifter he'd finished wi them.

Bruce:

Now they've goat The Beast back in the mainstream prison system. The only wey they can keep the cunt quiet is by pittin a new model in his cell every few weeks.

Page Twenty: (six panels)

Three rows; two panels each.

Panel 1:

Bruce saunters around the side of Ocky's chair while he continues talking to Ray over Ocky's head. We can just see the top of Ocky's head.

Ray (off panel):

Models?

Bruce:

That's what the screws call the ladies they send him. Usually young pretty boys... like this one here.

Bruce:

The wardens indulge The Beast. They've goat a selection ay wigs, dresses n make up so that he can dress the models up as he likes.

Panel 2:

We see Bruce squatting down behind Ocky's right shoulder. He whispers enticingly/seductively in Ocky's ear (far enough from the ear for Ray to hear) and the panel cuts off Bruce's eyes so we cannot see them. Ocky was broken long before but Bruce is hammering it passed home.

Bruce:

Hung like a fuckin hoarse The Beast is.

Bruce:

Always splits thum the first time.

Ray (off panel):

Might find oot things aboot yirself ye'd rather no find oot.

Bruce:

Ye dae a stint n thaire wi that monster, ye come oot a changed man.

Panel 3:

Ocky is looking up at Ray and Bruce (who again stands at Ray's side) with the back of his head centered in the bottom of the panel. Bruce has his hand on Ray's shoulder as Ray smiles broadly at Ocky.

Bruce:

I know that it sounds grim, but that's only the one choice but, eh Ocky? Aw that's just the worst-case scenario.

Bruce:

Uncle Ray here'll tell ye what ye have tae dae tae stey oot ay The Beast's vile clutches.

Panel 4:

We see Bruce's back as he walks away from us towards the bedroom door. His right hand is raised with the index finger extended in a mildly chiding, teacher-like way.

Bruce:

I, in the meantime, shall go and check oan that wee drug-dealing slut ay a girlfriend ay yours. Honestly Ocky, the company you keep.

Bruce:

Mind you, it'll no be the first time that posh fanny's dragged a good man down. Huv tae watch whaire ye pit that dick.

Bruce:

Thir's eywis strings.

Panel 5:

Bruce enters the bedroom again. Stephanie's dressed and sitting at (with her legs hanging off) the foot of the bed. The knot in her stomach has ceased to ease in Bruce's absence.

Bruce:

Well, have we had time to think about our position?

Stephanie:

Please don't tell anyone... I don't want my father to know.

Bruce:

I'll have to charge you with possession and intent to supply. Of course, as a minor...

Stephanie:

Please don't tell my father... please.

Panel 6:

Bruce leans against the wall (next to the shut door) while talking to the seated, off panel Stephanie. She is pleading with him as he speaks matter-of-factly to her without joy or anger. His hands are in his pants pockets opening his coat and holding it behind his wrists.

Bruce:

Listen doll, I'm going to tell him. As of now, I'm going to tell him. Whether or not I actually end up doing so is entirely up to you, but as of now, I am.

Stephanie (off panel):

Please... I'll do anything... don't tell him!

Bruce:

I'll tell you how its going to be. You listening? Because I'll say this one. Okay?

Page Twenty One: (nine panels)

Three rows; three panels each.

Panel 1:

We see only Stephanie from a side view (side closest to Bruce). She stares at the floor with her shoulders slumped and she is lightly shaking in spasms emanating from within.

Bruce (off panel):

You suck my cock and we're square. And you suck it good. Okay?

Panel 2:

Same as previous panel. Stephanie has sprang to life and now looks up at Bruce who still stands in the same place he was standing in Panel 6 of the previous page.

Bruce (off panel)(top):

Okay, nae deal. You are charged with posses...

Stephanie:

No! No! Please!

Panel 3:

We see a close up of Bruce's mouth; a side view from the nose down with his head angled as though he's looking down at Stephanie. He sneers in a barely perceptible manner.

Stephanie (off panel):

Awright...

Bruce:

Come on baby.

Caption:

A verbal agreement...

Panel 4:

We look passed the back of Stephanie's head to see Bruce's clothed crotch as he stands before her. Bruce's hand is seen unzipping his fly. Stephanie still sits at the foot of the bed with her legs hanging off.

Caption (top):

... it might not be worth the paper its printed on but you cannae very well take a blow-job back once it's been given.

Panel 5:

We see a side view of Bruce with the top of Stephanie's head barely visible in the bottom of the panel. He's looking down at her and the distance her head is from his crotch suggests that she has not yet begun.

Bruce:

Suck me baby...

Bruce:

... suck Robbo real good.

Panel 6:

Same as previous panel. Stephanie's head is closer to his crotch indicating that she has started performing oral sex. Bruce looks down at her with a sudden calm over his face.

Bruce:

That's it baby... suck me like you suck your boyfriend... get that tongue working...

Bruce:

Touch ma baws.

Panel 7:

Same as previous panel. Bruce, his brow furrowed, stares down at the top of Stephanie's head as if he were commanding her.

Bruce:

... grip ma baws harder...

Bruce:

Suck ya wee fuckin hoor!

Caption:

Yes yes yes yes

Panel 8:

Same as previous panel. Bruce has his head tilted back in ecstasy and his hand is pressing the back of Stephanie's head into his groin so she cannot escape his ejaculation. Her head shakes slightly as she unsuccessfully attempts to pull away from his penis.

Bruce:

Yeahsss... swallay!

Panel 9:

In the foreground we see a portion of Bruce's leg as he exits the room. Our perspective is as though we're sitting in the floor next to, and on the far side of, the door. The focal point of our view is Stephanie who sits on the bed looking pathetic and ashamed; her head is turned away from Bruce as she stares at the floor with her neck sunken into her shoulders. She has not moved from her spot at the foot of the bed. Only one tear touches her cheek. The sun has begun to set refusing to give the meager, dank room any more than a small portion of its light.

Bruce (off panel)(top):

That's us square hen, till the next time.

Caption (bottom, right):

I leave her to her tears.

Page Twenty Two: (five panels)

Three rows; first two rows two panels each, last row one panel.

Panel 1:

Ray and Bruce are walking away from us (in single file) and out of the opened front door with Bruce passing a still-seated Ocky as they do so. Bruce is pointing back (over his shoulder) towards the bedroom with his thumb as they depart. Bruce looks down at Ocky with a sinister grin. Ocky watches them go with dismay.

Ray:

Keep us posted on the movements of yobs like Alex Setterington and Ghostie Gorman.

Bruce:

And ye wanna teach her how tae gie a fuckin decent blow job.

Panel 2:

Bruce's Volvo is dropping Ray off onto the cold sidewalk. Ray waves goodbye just before he shuts the passenger door. Volvo and Ray are seen from a distance.

Caption:

Poor Ocky; it was a bit of a large hammer for such a small nut, but its the sport that counts and it passes the time of day.

Caption:

I head down to Maise's sauna, also know as The Fish Factory.

Panel 3:

This is the second 'Worm' panel. The background action is Bruce on top of a prostitute pulling firmly at the hair rooted to the back of her disinterested head. They are in the missionary position with Bruce on top. His arms enfold her forcing her arms to be pinned to her sides. Bruce rests on his elbows propping up his torso just far enough off of her chest that he can still feel her breasts against him. His face does not look malicious has he jerks on her hair; he looks more like a 10-mile jogger who is stretching after a 5-mile run. His pulling hand grazes the back of her head as he pulls; if his hand weren't that close to the back of her head it would just look idiotic in the panel.

In the foreground placed over the action is the 'Worm' dialogue below. See Page 8, Panel 6 for reference.

Worm:

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO eat OOOOOOO eat OOOOOOOOO eat OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO eat Mine Host OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO eat for your friend the Me. Eat OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO the question of survival OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO eat OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO eat OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO eat OOO Mine Host eat for the self OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Panel 4:

We are in Bruce's bedroom and we face him as he sits up in bed leaning against the headboard (on our left side of the bed). See Page 13, Panel 1 for bedroom layout. The prostitute is climbing out of bed naked and reaching for her clothes on the floor as she does so. Bruce is holding the bedside phone in his right hand. He looks away from the receiver, holding it at a distance from his head, while he looks toward the prostitute. Bruce does not yell at her but he talks sternly enough to her that she knows he means business.

Caption:

The job is one in which it's dangerous to think too much, so the best thing is to channel your energy into something that's the easiest to think about but which does you no harm. For most of us sex fits the bill nicely.

Bruce:

Fuck off before I break your jaw.

Panel 5:

We see an angled front/side view of Bruce who has turned to the side so that his legs hang off the bed next to the nightstand where the phone rests along with the lamp, an ashtray and the school photo of his daughter. Bruce pinches his nose as he places another lewd, prank call to Bunty, Blades' wife.

Bruce:

Hello Boontay. That's your name, int it?

Bunty (off panel over the phone):

Who are you?

Bruce:

Bet you've got hairs on your fanny like the branches of a tree.

Bunty (off panel over the phone):

I don't see that's any of your business... you must lead a very pathetic life if you have to take such an interest in other people's. I feel sorry for you.

Bunty (off panel over the phone):

What's your name?

Bruce:

My name's Frank, actually.

Bunty (off panel over the phone):

Well Frank, I think you're pathetic.

Bruce:

They told us you take it oop the boom Boontay.

Bunty (off panel over the phone):

Who told you then?

Bruce:

It were... it were... little Frank.

Bunty (off panel over the phone):

Who's he then? Who's Little Frank?

Bruce:

Oops... me mam's joost calling for me. You'll get me in trooble you will.

Caption (bottom, right):

I'm not working tomorrow morning. Saturday morning. No, I've promised to visit my friends Clifford and Bunty Blades.

Next Issue: Investigations
Filth artwork

by

Tim Larson

The End
