- I'm dressed like this
because I'm dating a young guy
and I have to look like
a Pickachu at all times.
I'm at the age now
where I realize
that I don't have to worry
about being sex trafficked,
is that even a thing, right?
I don't, I really
don't, but maybe.
My mom's always concerned
that somebody's going to
try to rape and kill me,
because she thinks I'm a star.
But, like I'm not,
I feel bad for
some of you girls,
like if they sex trafficked me,
it would just be to cook
for the rest of the victims.
My days would be light.
Obviously I'm from New York,
or I live in New York,
I'm from Maryland,
but I live in New
York, and I flew here.
I hate flying.
Flying is like, it's
one of the worst things.
We have to do it
a lot as comics,
and so I get high a
lot or you know I eat.
We had a really bad
flight recently,
and you know when
the flights bad
when the flight attendant
sits the fuck down.
When Brenda sits down
you better start prayin',
like this shit,
like bitch why you bucklin' up?
Are we okay?
Do I need a parachute?
Because nobody
really knows like,
I realized this last flight,
I don't know what to do in
the event of an emergency.
We all think we do,
'cause we watch the bitch
do the little Broadway musical
at the beginning, right?
Where she's like
dancin' and shit,
and it's like bitch,
if this is information
that I'm suppose to know,
please stop fuckin' dancin'
and just tell me
what the fuck to do.
Okay so they just had
a flight recently,
the plane was going down
and the masks came down,
and you realize how many
people are fucking dumb, right?
Because the masks came down
and somebody took a picture
of everybody with
the mask, right?
Because when you're about to die
you want to put it on Instagram.
So, the masks come down
and nobody was wearing the shit
where they were
suppose to wear it.
You got to put it on your
fuckin' breathing place.
Right?
You got to put it here.
It was motherfuckers
wearin' it like googles.
Somebody was wearing
like a birthday hat,
like well I'm the fuck out
of here, happy birthday.
Like I was like, what
the fuck are they doing?
I hate turbulence,
I hate turbulence.
So I always check on my exits,
they tell you you got
to check your exit.
Check your exit,
where's your exit?
And you think you know
where your exit is,
and then they go,
well just in case
you think you know, the
closest one may be behind you.
It's like well bitch,
I'm in comfort plus so if
I got to go back to coach,
I'm just going to die.
(laughter)
I'm not going to coach.
I'm determined that
if a plane goes down,
first class is just
going to detach
from the rest of the
poor motherfuckers
and just keep flyin' to Miami.
They don't give a fuck
about coach, okay?
Meemaw only flies
every ten years,
that bitch has got to
go, you understand?
Plane etiquette is also
at an all time low.
I was sittin' next to the
white bitch and her baby,
And I guess they had money,
because the bitch and the
baby had they own seat.
She's foolin' around
in the bag and shit,
and she's got hold of the baby,
tryin' to fool
around in the bag,
and then she just
gets up and pivots
and hands me the fuckin' baby,
because of course I'm a
big tittied black woman,
so I got to be the plane nanny.
So she pivots and I'm like,
bitch don't give me
your baby, I'm on coke.
Like I don't have time for
your fuckin' baby, bitch.
This is not The Help, I
will eat this nigga and...
(applause)
Even the baby was like,
don't give me to that bitch.
It was like, this is not
the one, bitch, I don't.
Plane etiquette is fucked up.
Sometimes you get in a fucked
up situation on a plane,
you don't know what to do, you
don't want to say anything,
and then you like,
you get trapped up,
like there was recently
this white lady on a plane
and she took a picture
of this white nigga,
had his feet over her head.
Do you remember that?
Did you see that picture?
With the, you saw it.
See me and the black
lady connected,
because we already
know where we goin',
the white people catchin'
up, you understand?
They're like, well
what was the problem?
(laughter)
So, he got his bare
motherfuckin' feet
over her damn head,
and she's just being
passive aggressive,
she's like, going
to be a long flight.
I was like, bitch are you
out of your fuckin' mind?
You know already know
what we would've did.
Get in your fuckin' purse bitch,
get a lighter and burn
this nigga's toes.
What the fuck do you mean, going
to be a long flight, bitch?
(laughter, applause)
Short flight for
this nigga's feet!
That, what?
Oh I hate people.
I hate it, I hate.
You know 'cause people always
think I'm nice and shit
'cause I wear bright colors,
and I have dimples, but like,
I'm a raging bitch on
the inside, you have no,
'cause I've been nice
for like 30 years
and I'm tired, you know?
Like I used to be a skinny
white bitch from Maryland,
I just I'm so
tired of being nice
all the fucking time!
Like I got into a fight
with this old bitch
at Golden Corral a
couple months ago, okay?
Wait, wait, it was her fault.
It was!
So I went to Golden Corral
with my mom and my grandfather,
then my grandfather he,
you know, he's elderly
so he's in a wheelchair
he wears the pants,
he's blind, he can't see,
he got dementia and shit.
So I was like I don't even know
why the fuck we takin' him,
we should just leave him here,
you know what I'm sayin'?
Just tell him he went,
'cause he not going to eat.
But we had to take him
because the law requires it.
I know it sounds insensitive,
but it's a lot 'cause
like he's in a wheelchair
we got to pack
him up like robot,
you know, Transformers
robots in disguise and shit.
And then we got to plug
him like a cellphone
everywhere we go, so it's
like a lot on the energy.
So we get to Golden Corral.
Now my grandfather takes a shit,
now we at Golden Corral,
so nobody move cause we was like
it already stinks in here, you
know what I'm sayin', like?
He can sit in this for awhile,
but then it started to mix
with the mashed potatoes.
I had to change him because
we draw straws in the mornin',
and I fucked up.
(laughter)
So now I got to wheel this
nigga to the bathroom, right?
And I told my mother, I said
why don't you just do it?
You're used to.
I've never changed
him in public,
I've done it in the
house, but not in public.
I was like, mom just do it.
She was like, no, God chose you.
Cause she's a asshole.
So now I got to wheel
him, it's very difficult,
he's in a wheelchair,
he's a big dude,
I'm tryin' to push
him and push him.
You know nobody's comin'
out of the bathroom,
I'm waitin' for
somebody to come out,
nothing's happenin', I'm
pushin' against the door,
his head keeps bangin' and shit,
it looks like elderly abuse.
So I just go around,
I kick the door open,
and then as the door was open,
I just flung the nigga in there.
So you know he zoomed in there
and then there was a old
bitch, and she was like,
oh my God, help, help, help,
there's a man in here,
somebody help me.
So I run in like,
where's the man?
Even my grandfather in
the wheelchair goin',
man, there's a man in
here, where the man at?
This nigga ain't
talked in three weeks,
there's a man,
there's a man in here?
And then I look at this bitch,
this bitch is pointing
at my grandfather going,
him, him, he
shouldn't be in here,
what if he does something?
I said bitch, if
your pussy that good
to get this nigga
out the wheelchair...
(laughter, applause)
You need to put your
pussy on the Nasdaq
and make America great again,
because bitch we need you.
(applause)
Him, him, him.
Ugh, I'm so sick of them, sick.
Sick!
Now I got to deal with my mom,
my mom's callin' me, my
mom wants to come visit me,
I can't, like I love
my mother, I really do,
I'm so grateful
she gave me life,
but if I could like not talk
to her for the next 30 years,
I just feel like our
relationship would
just be so much,
because you know my
mother at this point
where she calls me with
nonsense all the fuckin' time.
She has this new
thing in her life
where she calls me and
she plays this game
called guess who died.
Now, I don't know how many
of your mothers do it,
but this is how
guess who died goes.
It's never anybody you give a
fuck about or you know, right?
It's always like remember
the bitch that gave you
a chicken wing, when
you was six months?
No I don't, but bury the bitch
with some KFC on my behalf,
I don't know her.
My mother called
me, guess who died?
I was like, I don't want to
play this fucked up Hasbro game.
You know what I'm sayin',
it aint goin nowhere
bitch, who died?
So she goes, well you
remember Ms. Smith?
I said, yeah.
Oh my God, Ms. Smith died?
She goes, no, no,
no Ms. Smith's fine,
but remember the little
boy she used to watch
in the summertime
with the big head?
I was like, yeah
Chuckie, Chuckie died?
She goes, no, no, no but
remember the little girl
with the barrettes
he used to play with?
I said, yeah,
Angela, Angela died?
She goes, no, no,
no Angela's fine,
but Chuckie and
Angela had a baby.
I was like, damn the baby died?
She was like, no but
the baby had a hamster,
they said the hamster died.
So I, I can't deal with her,
I just, let's go,
I can't, I can't.
so that's my mother.
So here's my mother's thing,
she wants to come visit me,
I can't take my mother,
like I don't want
my mother to visit.
She visited me a
couple months ago,
she stayed for two weeks,
it was too long, too long.
She stayed, I just wanted
to show her the city,
I wanted to take her out,
show her the city
have a good time,
you know find her a man
so she can get off
my fuckin' back.
So she didn't want
to do that because
there was a Lifetime
movie marathon happening,
you understand?
My mother loves Lifetime.
Women here that watch Lifetime
by a round of applause.
(scattered claps)
Okay four bitches that
have low self-esteem.
I never watch the network.
All I know is their slogan is
they're a network for women,
so I thought my mother and I
were going to bond over some
like women empowerment shit,
you know what I'm sayin'?
I thought it was
going to be women
like cutting niggas dicks off.
You know, like chewing
balls and shit.
You know, free
bleeding on the grass.
I was like yo, we
about to do this shit!
So I buckle in.
I should have known that it
was going to be some bullshit,
'cause my mother started
knitting during it.
We watched like 9,000 movies,
this all the same fucking
movie, you understand?
All they do is change
the bitch's outfit,
they don't even
change the script.
It's just like put the bitch,
same script, just change
her clothes and shit, right?
So it's always some
bitch named Amber, okay,
that's how it goes.
It's a bitch named Amber.
And Amber's a small town
bitch, and you know this
because they start the
movie off with a little
population sign and it says 10.
And then when the bitch leave
they cross the 10 out
and they put a nine.
Now Amber, she's a
small town bitch,
so she's like I'm tired of this,
I want to be a big time bitch,
so she moves to New
York City, understand?
'Cause she wants to be big time.
And so this how she
moves to New York City.
They put the bitch
on like a mega bus.
They do, they put her
on a fucking mega bus,
she have like a white
hat on and a white dress
and a little white suitcase
with a little ribbon and shit,
and she gets off
the bus, she's like
I'm here, and it's like oh,
bitch you about to get raped.
You understand?
(laughter)
Amber works hard, she works hard
for like seven years this
bitch works hard non stop
and she becomes a
CEO in New York City,
and you like damn,
that bitch is good,
you know what I'm saying?
She done came here
and did her shit
and now she got to go back home
to visit her family and shit
for the holiday, they always
going back for holiday,
it's Christmas, it's Easter,
it's Hanukah, it's 9/11,
the bitch got to go back.
So she comes back to
her home, and I'm just,
I'm watching the movie, I'm like
oh, they going to be
so proud of this bitch.
This little small town
bitch, she done became a CEO,
like they going to throw
a parade for this bitch,
be like yeah, you done
put Bippity Bop Land
on the map, bitch!
I'm waiting for it!
She comes back, they barely
acknowledge the bitch,
you understand?
She comes back, they're
like oh, Amber's back.
And then they go
back to milking cows
or whatever the
fuck they do, right?
So Amber's confused, she's like
hello guys, hi, I'm a
CEO in New York City.
And she got these big
ass shoulder pads,
'cause they not able to
show you New York City
'cause they can't afford it,
so they just put
her in shoulder pads
and she walks around
like concerned and shit,
that's how you know
she makin' money,
and she's signing paperwork
and just, you know.
Big times.
So she's like I'm back,
I have shoulder pads,
and they like yeah, whatever,
you ain't got no husband.
And I started thinking
to myself, oh my God,
they not going to, this not
the narrative of this movie
that this bitch who's
a CEO in New York City
with six figures
of shoulder pads,
she ain't doing shit 'cause
she ain't got no husband.
But that's what Lifetime
will let you know.
She ain't doing shit 'cause
she ain't got no husband.
First of all, let me just
tell you ladies right now,
you don't have to have a
fucking husband, you understand?
If you making six
figures of shoulder pads
you can buy dick, all right?
I'm just letting you know.
I'm just letting you
know it's for sale.
(applause)
And also, P.S., there's a
show called 600 Pound Life,
every bitch on
there is 600 pounds,
and they all got a man.
So if you don't have a man
it might be your pussy,
you understand, 'cause
like these bitches,
they can't even find they pussy
and they got a nigga
tryin' to fuck them in it,
so I'm just saying,
you might have
to step your pussy game up.
Now they barely
acknowledge the bitch,
Amber is so upset, she's like
I don't know, I don't know,
what happened, what happened?
Maybe they're right,
maybe I do need a husband.
Maybe I do need a man.
So she starts to
cry, you understand,
she's crying and
now she's singing
because that's what they think
women do to problem solve.
We start crying and Kick Ball
Changing down the street.
And so now she's singing and
dancing and all this shit.
She wanders into an
abandoned building.
Well, it's not 100% abandoned
because there's a man there.
And you don't get to
see the man fully,
you just see his ass crack
because he's fixing an elevator.
And she takes one
look at his ass crack
and she goes, that's my husband.
Okay, let me just take a break,
'cause I'm not getting
the response I want,
and I know it's a
lot of women in here,
and you with your man,
and you like uh-oh,
here come this woman
empowerment shit,
and you sitting
next to this nigga,
I don't know what
she's talking about,
I love making cookies,
but you understand like,
the bitch is a CEO
in New York City
making six figures
with shoulder pads,
and they about to give
her the elevator nigga?
(laughter)
They don't do this
in a man's movie.
In a man movie he get
like some tall blonde
who can't speak 'cause
that's every man's fantasy
is like some hot bitch that
can't respond to his foolishness
but in a women's movie she
get the elevator nigga.
And now they see that she's
in love with the elevator,
first of all, it's only
nine people in town,
he don't need to
fix no elevator,
nobody goes upstairs,
so he's barely working.
So now they take a look
at her and they go,
oh, Amber, this the
love of your life now,
you better stay here,
you got to stay here,
you got to give up your
shit in New York City,
you got to stay here and be
the elevator nigga bitch wife.
You got to give up
your shoulder pads,
stay here and be the
elevator nigga bitch wife.
And now Amber's like
oh, my God, oh my God,
what do I do?
Do I stay?
Do I go?
And the whole time my mother's
watching the movie like,
is she going to stay?
I was like ma, I don't know,
but you got to get the
fuck out of my house.
What do you mean is
she going to stay?
This is the love of her life.
I said ma, she's a
CEO in New York City
with shoulder pads
making six figures.
She's not giving
that up to stay here
and be the elevator nigga
bitch wife, you understand?
She's going to go
back to New York City
and if she wants she can
take this nigga with her
'cause New York is where
all the elevators are,
he can be the elevator
nigga bitch there.
