(city sirens droning)
(customer grumbling)
- Come on man, I got kids to feed!
- Oh, they don't like falafel?
(zipper zips)
- Actually, that's not a bad idea.
Thank you, that solves
most of my problems!
(trap snaps loudly)
(customer screams)
- Where were the other drugs going?
- I never knew!
They...
Wait, what?
- I said, where are all
the other drugs going?
- Why...
Why are you talking like that?
- It's a bat voice, it's a bat.
- Really kind of goes against
the whole dark Batman thing.
- No, no, no...
Are you kidding me?
I worked on that like all day!
It was like bat sonar, high, squeaky--
- It's not scary, it's silly.
- I ran this by Alf...
I ran this by people I know
and they loved it!
- It's bad.
- Bad?!
Wow. (chuckles)
This is embarrassing.
Can I please show you another one?
- Sure.
- Where were the other drugs going?
Fuck face!
- Malkovich?
- Yeah.
He's scary!
He's like, "I'm better,
I'm stronger, I'm Batman!"
- No, no, it's totally wrong.
- Where were the other drugs going, huh?
How is this game?
- Why?
Why Pacino?
- Maybe I am Al Pacino, you don't know.
What's he do at night, huh?
Fight crime.
- Not a Batman.
- 'Ello gov'nor!
Where were the drugs goin'?
- You're representing
Gotham, I wouldn't...
I wouldn't go British.
- Hey, how ya doin'?
Where were the other drugs goin', huh?
- That's not good.
- Hey!
Where were the drugs going?
Where were the other drugs going?
(mimicking Arnold Schwarzenegger)
Where were the other drugs going?
Yeah...
Dónde está los drogas?
Where were the other drugs going?
The silly, silly drugs.
Where are they?
Answer me, Herbert says!
Where, where were the drugs... (laughs)
Supposed to be Dustin Hoffman.
Where were the other drugs going?!?!
Huh?!?!
Do I look like I talking to you?!?!
(coughing violently)
- You okay?
- Yeah, yeah I'm okay.
- You all right?
- Yeah, I'm fine.
Where were the other drugs going?
- Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait...
What was that?
- What?
- Do that again.
- Where were the other drugs going?
- Y'know what?
That's not bad.
- I just lost my voice.
- Yeah, that sounds good.
- You're not just saying that?
- Yeah, no, I swear to God.
- Swear to me!
(trap snaps)
(criminal screams)
(trap breaks)
(body thuds)
(criminal groans in pain)
Alfred, I'm coming home.
What do you mean, "Who is this"?
It's Bruce.
Who else has this number?!
(electronic record scratching)
(heart beating)
(tense music)
(footsteps approaching)
- Leave no traces.
- Torch the place.
- I gotta take a piss.
- Why does he do that every
time we're committing a crime?
(unknown object clattering loudly)
(candlestick crashing)
(punches thudding)
(Batman gasping and coughing)
- [Scarecrow] Oh, having trouble?
Have a drink!
You look like a guy who takes
himself way too seriously.
You want my opinion?
- No, Girl Scouts!
- [Scarecrow] You need to lighten...
Wait, what?
- Girl Scouts!
(music stab)
Get out!
- Wait, you're scared of Girl Scouts?
- Knocking on the door!
(ominous music stab)
I don't have any cash!
- Maybe I didn't use enough of this stuff.
(Batman coughing)
(Batman gasping)
Yes!
Feel the fear!
- No!
Sleeveless t-shirt!
(ominous music stab)
- Sleeveless shirts?
- Your torso is warm...
But what of your arms?!
- Wait, wait...
Wait, hold on, hold on.
(Batman gasping in fear)
- Roomba!
- (stammering) You jump off of buildings!
And you fight criminals!
And you're scared of Roombas?
- How does it know where to go?
If we don't push it?
- Wow.
Just...
Wow.
(Batman screams)
Oh my god, what is it now?
- Ukuleles!
(ominous music stab)
Keep them away!
(ukulele strumming happily)
Its jingle-jangles tell
me I'm in a Club Med!
- Why would you be afraid of that?
(Batman screams)
- Florescent light bulbs!
(ominous music stab)
Save the Earth, but at
what weird, twisty cost?!
- Okay?
- Jingly keys!
(keys jingling)
Fun for babies, not for Batman!
(Batman screams)
- I don't understand.
- Intimacy!
- Okay.
Wait, I gotta check...
Just, hold on.
Hey!
Hey, wake up!
(thug coughs)
Now what do you see?
- Maggots!
Fire!
(noisy clamoring)
Oh God, make it stop!
Stop!
- See, that makes sense to me!
- No, stay away!
Christopher McDonald!
(ominous music stab)
- Hey, Batman!
How you doing?
- Oh my God, are you kidding me?!
- Goose McKenzie, you keep your distance!
- Goose McKenzie!
That...
Going way back!
You know, most people know
me as Shooter McGavin.
But, thanks for knowing my work.
(Batman screams)
- The television show "Double Down"!
(Batman screams)
Invisalign braces!
A bag of SunChips!
Oh, Babe Ruth's tiny legs!
Baths!
- Bats!
See, that makes sense!
Because you're afraid of bats,
so dress like a bat so you
could frighten your enemies
dressed like a--
- No, no, no.
Not, bats.
Baths.
- Baths.
- Baths, like a bath.
- Yup.
- Taking a quick shower
is just as refreshing,
and uses one-third the water!
- And you're Gotham's savior?
- It's wasteful!
- All right.
Screw this.
(Zippo clicks open)
(fire crackling)
You're burning alive!
This doesn't scare you?
- No, it's actually kind of a relief.
Just keep those Roombas away from me.
They're like little electronic Alfreds.
I mean, I mean, nobody.
Certainly not the butler who raised me.
(electronic record scratching)
(heart beating)
(city droning)
(tense music)
- I told you he would come!
(cape whooshes)
- Wait!
(footsteps approaching)
You could die!
At least tell me your name.
(sirens distantly wailing)
- It's not who I am underneath,
but what I do that defines me.
- Bruce?
- No.
- Oh my god, you totally are, Bruce.
- What?
No way.
- Okay, well that whole,
"what I do that defines me" thing,
I said that to Bruce three days ago
and told no one else, so...
That would mean you're Bruce.
- You're being crazy.
How could I be Bruce Wayne?
- See, I didn't even say "Wayne".
I just said "Bruce".
- Oh.
I saw Bruce Wayne at the bank,
and he told me about your conversation.
- Oh, you guys hang out?
- Yeah.
Bruce Wayne is kinda the coolest.
- Oh, really?
- You should go out with him.
He's free Friday.
- Ms. Dawes, thank god you're safe!
- Commissioner, you're
not gonna believe this.
- What, Bruce Wayne is Batman?
- What?!
Come on!
- Wait, you knew that?
- (scoffs) It's, like, super obvious.
Disappears for a bunch of years,
comes back, he's in incredible shape.
- Well that totally makes sense,
'cause one time when we were kids
I saw him get thrashed by bats.
- No!
- Oh, get this, I was just
driving in the Batmobile,
like, tank-thing.
- Yeah
- I look in the glove box,
and it's registered to
Bruce Wayne! (both laughing)
- That is baloney!
- Batman gave me a
periscope the other night
and it said "Wayne Enterprises" on it.
(Commissioner laughs)
- Hello?!
- Well, what is that?
- I mean, hello?!
- Oh!
This'll...
This'll clear things up!
There's Bruce Wayne, just behind you!
Turn, and let's put this paranoia to rest.
- Just turn around?
Okay.
(footsteps thudding)
- Yup, don't see him.
(rubber stretching)
Guess we'll just turn back around.
- [Batman] Don't turn around!
Wait, wait!
- Let me know.
- Don't turn!
Okay, now you can!
(footsteps approaching)
Hi.
Rachel, Commissioner Gordon, I was just...
Water skiing from a hovercraft...
You know, doing reckless,
billionaire-type stuff like I do--
- Still have your eye makeup on.
- Hm?
No.
This...
I was...
I was hit in the face.
These are black eyes.
I've been fighting crime...
No.
Not that.
Irregardless, Rachel, my
childhood friend, and...
Gordon?
Is that it?
For we've never once met.
I'm not the Batman.
I'm Bruce Wayne.
- So, the city's being
sprayed with fear gas
and you came here just to
tell us you're not Batman.
- That's perfect.
That is perfectly put,
and you know who can confirm it?
Oh, right, right there!
Right behind you, it's Batman!
(footsteps thudding)
Bruce Wayne is right guys.
He's not Batman.
- Wrong voice.
- My mistake!
I don't know what I have to do,
to prove to you that I'm not--
- Wearing the tux.
- Shit!
I can see how you might think
we're the same person but...
I'm wearing the cape, aren't I?
- Yes.
- Look, here we are!
Two completely separate people!
Hey Batman!
Hey, how's it going? (laughs maniacally)
How are you, Batman?
I'm doing real good.
Just spending my day,
Not being Bruce Wayne.
- Well...
I'm convinced.
- If we were the same
person, could I do this?
Hey Batman, how was your day?
Pretty good, I was at-- (gurgling water)
(coughs)
I was down, just at-- (gurgling water)
(chokes on water)
And then the Riddler, he came
in and-- (gurgling water)
Clayface.
- Admit it, you're Batman.
- Look, we can go on and on about who,
or who isn't the vigilante Batman,
but I think it's about time we considered
the fact that the Batman
is actually a half-man,
half-bat who doesn't even
have a secret identity.
Batman gave this glove to me.
- 'Cause you guys hang out?
- Yes we do.
He's kinda the coolest.
He said we should go out sometime!
(electronic record scratching)
(heart beating)
(tense music)
Rachel!
Rachel!
- Batman!
- Rachel!
- Batman!
- Not so fast. (Rachel stifles a scream)
Riddle me this, Batman!
- Riddler, no!
- If you aim, to give us a shot,
(Rachel whimpers)
we'll riddle you.
What are we?
- Oh!
That is a stumper.
Say it again.
- If you aim, to give us
a shot, we'll riddle you.
- Batman, it's bu--
- [Batman And Riddler] Wait, wait, wait.
- No hints.
Is it, buh...
Buh?
- You think the answer
to my riddle is "buh"?
- I heard Rachel say it.
- Don't worry about what she says, worry--
- Is it helicopter?
- Alright, now, what...
What did I say that would
make you think helicopter?
- Well you said, if your aim...
If your aim is to...
I have no idea.
Man I'm just, I'm just
shooting in the dark.
- Listen,
if you "aim"--
- With a gun.
- to give us a "shot",
(Rachel babbling a hint)
we'll riddle you.
- With little pieces of metal.
- Right.
- That are called--
- What are they called?
What's gonna come outta the gun?
- Injustice!
The tools of cowards and criminals.
- Are you serious right now?
Because I've got about ten more of these
riddles that are way harder than this one.
This is like,
just to introduce the
concept of me riddling you.
- I got it.
It's you.
(Rachel sighs in defeat)
You're riddling me.
- In this context, the word
riddle, doesn't mean a joke,
or a brain teaser.
- What?
- Sometimes words have different meanings,
like the word bat could be
an animal or a baseball bat.
- I'm a bat!
- You're not a bat.
- Is the answer a small
boy's Sunday trousers?
- No.
- Is it, Invisalign braces?
- For real, what do you
even see in this guy?
- Honestly, I don't know right now.
- Is it, a bag of steel-cut oats?
- Multiple choice.
- Great, great idea.
- What comes out of a gun?
A: Bullets?
- That sounds good to me.
- What are B and C?
- There is no B and C.
- No B and C?
It's a trap!
Lucius, I need help.
- Of course
- It's a riddle.
- Go ahead.
- "If you shoot, and
aim, I'll riddle you."
- Is it, helicopters?
- Right?!
That's what I said!
- It's bullets!
- Bullets!
- Bullets!
Bullets!
- Riddled with bullets!
It's a common expression!
- Okay, wait.
How could a bullet, riddle me?
It doesn't have a mouth?
- Oh my God!
I told you the riddle,
the answer was bullet,
You were supposed to say bullet,
then I was gonna shoot you!
Like this!
(gunfire blasting)
(Riddler screams in pain)
(Riddler groans in pain)
- You know, if you're gonna tell riddles,
you shouldn't give away the answer.
Totally ruins the fun.
You want a ride?
- Uh, no, I'm--
- I took the Batwing.
- I think I can find my own way home.
- You sure?
The sky is beautiful tonight.
- [Lucius] Batman, what's going on?
- Yeah, call it off.
I'm pretty sure it was helicopter.
This guy just didn't wanna
admit I got it so fast.
(electronic record scratching)
(heart beating)
(dramatic music)
- Batman!
- Looks like we're making progress.
- Well we can track the
money now, thanks to you!
- Lightly radiated bills.
- The Mob doesn't know that
the money's been marked.
We should be able to trace
it back to its source
and prosecute 'em,
there's a willing D.A.
- Harvey Dent!
Can he be trusted?
- Well he seems to be
about the best that we've...
What was that?
What, are you sneaking away?
- No.
- Is this the old vanishing routine?
- What?
- Is this part where I
turn and then I turn back
and all of the sudden you're gone?
- No!
- Everybody's impressed.
- Harvey Dent, can he be trusted?
- Well he seems to be about the...
He seems to be about the
best that we've got--
- Harvey Dent, can we trust him?
- Seems to be about the
best that we've got.
(dramatic music)
Batman?
(clears throat)
Uh, Batman?
- I found something!
- You found some-
- I found some!
- You found some something?
- Evidence!
- You found some evidence?
- I found evidence!
- You found some evidence over there?
- Here!
- Okay.
- Someone left some evidence!
- We would've never found
that evidence without you.
- I'll analyze it with science!
- We are always in your debt, Batman.
(cars honking distantly)
- Harvey Dent, can we trust him?
- Yeah, oh well, he seems
to be about the best--
- Wait!
- Okay.
- [Batman] Wait one second!
- He's--
- Okay.
(objects clamoring)
- Well he's--
- Don't look for a second!
(objects clamoring)
- He's the best we've got...
(objects clamoring)
Now?
- Wait for a second.
Hold on.
(Commissioner Gordon sighs heavily)
- [Batman] Okay, now!
Wait, no, not now.
- Not?
- Now!
- Yeah?
- [Batman] No!
Okay, now!
- 'Bout the best we've got.
(dramatic music swells)
- Actually, could you leave that on?
I dropped my wallet.
- I gotta go to bed.
- Swear to me!
(electronic record scratching)
(heart beating)
- All right, Wiggles the Clown,
drunk and disorderly at
a children's party, nice.
What do you have to say for yourself?
- Evening commissioner.
- What the hell?
- Isn't that?
- Yeah, I know who that is!
- Hi.
D'you wanna know how I got these scars?
- But then that means Batman is...
Oh God!
Come on, come on!
(lights click on)
(head thuds)
(Wiggles groans in pain)
- Oh my head! (groans in pain)
Everything's fuzzy!
(punch thuds loudly)
(Wiggles groans in pain)
Who punches a hand?
- You wanted me?
Here I am!
- (scoffs) I didn't want you!
I don't even know who you are!
- Where's Dent?
- I don't know who Dent is!
I think you broke my balloon-tying hand.
- You're garbage who kills for money!
- No, I'm Wiggles.
Garbage is a different clown
that works East-- (Wiggles yelps)
- Where's Dent?
- I don't know!
I was hired by Leo for his son's birthday!
I do closeup magic!
(Wiggles screams)
- I have one rule!
- I am so sorry I broke
your rule, Giant Bat!
All I drank was two beers
and some cooking sherry!
- Which is?
- Fortified wine-- (screams)
(Wiggles groans in pain)
- Great Scott, come on!
(Wiggles screams)
(Wiggles thuds)
(Wiggles groans in pain)
- Where are they?!?
- Who?!?
(Wiggles screams)
- Where are they?!?
- Oh my God, who?!?
(punches thudding)
- Where are they?!?
- (crying) I got drunk at a
birthday party, I'm sorry!
(punch thuds)
(chair clamoring)
- Batman, stop, stop!
Stop for a moment!
It's not The Joker, it's a birthday clown!
(punch thuds)
You stop punching him in the face!
- Really?
- That's not The Joker!
(Wiggles crying in agony)
- That's The Joker.
- No, that's not--
- Looks like The Joker.
- No.
Look at him, he is not The Joker.
(Wiggles sobbing in fear)
- Two clowns?
- Right.
- Full disclosure,
part of me knew that.
Yeah.
It was embarrassing to
stop, what d'you say?
So I just kinda owned it.
(Wiggles sobbing)
I gave you the beating,
not that you deserved,
but the one that he needed.
- All right, he didn't do anything.
- Harvey Dent.
- Right.
- Can we trust him?
- No, we're past that.
(Batman sighs)
- There's nowhere to go in here.
- Sorry, Jim.
(Wiggles whimpers in fear)
You want...
You want one of my telescopes?
- No!
(police radio chatter)
(sirens wailing distantly)
- Oh, I am so sorry about that, Wiggles.
Little bit of a mix-up down here.
- My father was a drinker, and a fool.
- Come on!
(door slams shut)
- Where are they?!?
(mime thuds)
Talk, dammit!
(tense music)
(punch thuds)
(electronic record scratching)
(heart beating)
(tense music)
- Harvey, just put the gun down.
You're not gonna hurt my family.
- No.
Just the person you love most.
So who is it?
- Harvey, just put the gun down please.
Goddamnit, stop putting
that gun on my family, Dent!
- We have a winner.
- No!
- You don't wanna hurt the boy, Two-Face.
- It's not about what I want.
It's about what's fair.
So you thought we could be decent--
- Harvey!
Thank god you're here.
Two-Face took Gordon's boy hostage.
Two-Face, you're back!
- What are you talking about?
- Give up the boy!
Nothing fair ever came out
of the barrel of a gun.
- He knows what happen to me right?
- Harvey, now you're back!
Use that gun you're holding,
next time Two-Face shows his faces.
- Is this because you can
only see one half of my face
when I'm talking to him?
- Harvey, Where did you go?!?
Two-Face is back and
he looks super pissed!
- Yeah!
'Cause I'm Harvey Dent!
- Nice try Two-Face,
but your tricks wont work on me!
I am the world's greatest detective.
- Batman!
Harvey Dent is Two-Face.
- What?
- Batman, remember, you
went to save Rachel,
but it wasn't Rachel, it was Harvey Dent.
- Huh?
- Remember half of his face?
This half of his face,
was in the gasoline,
just stop me when you
start remembering this.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
I want you to know,
I'm completely lost.
- You really don't remember any of that?
Half my face melted
and now I'm insane.
- Full disclosure, its
kinda been a crazy day,
and this suit's really hot.
I kind of go in and out.
- This is the guy that beat The Joker?
- Yeah, I don't know how he did it.
- I used my skills that I
learned in the mountains.
- Batman listen,
Harvey Dent is Two-Face.
They are the same person.
- So Harvey used to be Two-Face?
- I am Two-Face!
I have two faces!
Okay?!?
I'm Harvey Dent and I'm Two-Face.
I'm Two-Face and I'm Harvey Dent...
Okay, You know what?
Lets start over.
What do you see?
- Harvey face!
- Good.
Now what do you see?
- Scary face!
- Okay.
Put 'em both together, what do you see?
- Two-Face
- Yes, yes!
- What have you done with
Harvey and Scary Face?
They've done nothing to you!
- Okay.
Here we go, right now, we're doing this...
Everybody's going to get same
chance that Rachel got, 50-50.
- How could we possibly determine that?
- By flipping a fucking coin!
- Yeah, let's just flip a coin.
It's heads or tails, we need fifty coins,
and then 50 more.
50-50.
- Seriously?
- And then my computer will
analyze it with science.
- I'm gonna flip to see if
I get to kill you first.
(coin clinks daintily)
It's "heads",
which means I can't kill him.
Does anybody here object to redo?
- No, no, no, no.
- Nope, shoot him.
- C'mon!
- Awesome!
(dramatic music swells)
(Batman yells)
- No!
(loud clamoring)
- I guess that's the end of Scary Face!
- Give me my son, dipshit.
(electronic record scratching)
(heart beating)
(tense music)
(knife stabbing flesh)
(flesh squelching)
- You know you'll never get
out of here alive, Cobblepot.
- Be quiet and wait your turn.
(flesh squelching)
(punches thudding)
(Cobblepot groans)
(Batman groans)
End me, Batman.
You know you want to!
- I don't kill!
(Cobblepot groans)
- He's not like you Cobblepot
- (laughs) Your stupid
rule will be your downfall,
you know that, right Batman?
- I'm not a coward who hides behind a gun.
I would never take the life of another,
for I am--
- Batman, look out!
- The Dark Knight!
The last remaining beacon of morality
in the shadows of this town.
- Wait what, what was that?
- What?
- You just said you don't kill.
- Yeah, I know.
It's like, my one rule
- Yeah, Batman, why don't
you look the guy that, yeah.
- He's asleep
- No, he's...
Wait what?
- Oh!
I see what's happening,
you guys don't know this,
but when criminals fight
me, it's exhausting,
'cause I'm good.
So they often have to nap afterwards.
- Wait you can't be this...
You think, you think they're sleeping?
- Look at that poor little
guy, he's all tuckered out.
- Oh my god, do you, do
you not know what death is?
- I totally know what
it is, don't be stupid!
Let's just, let's back it up a little bit,
to talk about what hero I am.
- (stammers) Batman, you
have to know what dead...
I mean, your parents were shot and killed.
- My parents were shot, yes,
but they're alive, on a special farm.
- Oh boy.
- They're on a farm?
- They're on a special happy farm,
where they make buttermilk.
They romp and play, there's
a hammock made of dreams.
- Wow.
- I can't even--
- They write me Emails.
- Wow.
- Wow.
- Wow.
- I don't understand
what you find hard to-
- Batman, look out!
(thug groans in agony)
- about any of that.
(body thrashing)
It's a very plausible situation.
Old rich people go to farms.
(body clamoring)
- Are you kidding me?
Are you kidding?
I'm the one you're after?
- Yeah. (sighs defeatedly)
- And then, wow!
See this is what we are talking about!
What you just did, you killed that guy!
- Comish, that head-wound,
its got to be taking its toll,
'cause you are making zero sense!
- Gordon just let me try,
okay?
- Please.
- Batman, what do you have on your wrists?
- I'm not wearing hockey pads!
- It's alright, I know, listen,
what are the metal, sharp, stabby things?
- These are triangle blades
to use against my foes.
(mimics fighting noises)
- Okay.
Thank you
- I've broke your sword!
- Batman--
- Compromise your footing!
Icey water!
- Unbelievable.
- Good times.
- Batman!
Now, if the metal triangle
blade hits a flesh neck,
what happens?
- Yes, I know this.
- They?
- They go to sleep,
just like me,
and then they wake up,
just like me,
usually with a boner.
(Cobblepot and Commissioner
Gordon sigh in defeat)
I call it the Bat Signal
- No, they die!
There's no boners!
They don't get sleepy!
They die!
- Wait, but my fish...
He went to sleep and we
flushed him down the toilet.
He's in the ocean right know, he's alive!
- No he's dead
- Doctor Fishy, no!
- You see Batman, what
you did to Doctor Fishy,
is what you've done to these men.
- I overfed these men?
- No, you killed them.
- Whoa, major game changer.
Before I didn't understand
but now I got it.
We're on the same page.
- Good.
- Good.
- You're saying If i go to sleep, I die?
- No, oh my God, no, wow.
(tense music swells)
(Cobblepot chuckles)
- Well, it doesn't matter either way,
because I'm about to give you
a personal lesson in death!
(Cobblepot yells)
(gunshot blasts)
- What happened to no guns?
- This is a gun?
(Cobblepot groans)
(gunshots blasting)
(bullet shells clanging)
- You're an idiot!
(Batman shushes loudly)
- Not so loud,
you'll wake him!
(gunshot blasts)
(electronic record scratching)
(heart beating)
Where's the trigger?!
(dramatic music)
- [Bane] I broke you,
how have you come back?
- You think you're the only one
who could learn the strength to escape?
- I did not escape.
- The child of Ra's al
Ghul made the climb.
- But he is not the
child of Ra's al Ghul...
I am.
(Batman groans)
- What? (coughs)
Miranda?
- Talia al Ghul,
here to finish my father's work.
(Batman coughs)
- But we totally had sex.
- Yes, I know
- No, like hardcore.
Three times
- It was all a cruel ploy
to gain your confidence.
- That was a cruel ploy? (chuckles)
Sign me up for another!
It was great.
- [Bane] When the mission is
at hand, no act is off limits.
- Oh, I agree.
Nothing was off limits
It was like an "all-you-can-fuck" buffet.
- [Bane] Okay Bruce, that's enough.
- Okay, let's get back on track.
You must be wondering how we
came to this moment, Mr. Wayne.
- Lemme, see if I recollect...
Some stuff happened,
you sucked my dick.
- My father--
- Like a lot.
- My father never accepted Bane.
- How was that, by the way?
- Are you done?
- I hadn't showered that day,
and I fight crime in a rubber suit,
really seals in the flavor.
- [Bane] Ugh, dude, Jesus.
- My father only saw a monster
who could not be tamed.
- You tamed my monster!
- Okay, just shut up, okay?
- With your mouth?
- Stop!
- And two other places.
- Okay.
- In an order that would surprise you.
- Enough!
- Ass, mouth, vag.
- [Bane] All right, that's it!
That is my love you're speaking to,
I am her protector.
- That's ironic,
'cause we didn't use any protection,
and I offered!
- You motherfucker!
- No, no, no Bane, it's fine.
These words will be his last.
Her last words were,
"Spit in my mouth!"
- Okay, do you understand
what's happening right now?
A bomb is about to blow up
Gotham and I've stabbed you!
- I stabbed you first.
- Okay.
- With my dick.
- I got it.
- Just to clarify, guy who
breathes through a crab,
it's not the first time
one of us has shoved
nine hard inches up into somebody's ribs.
- Oh, God.
- It wasn't nine inches.
- Except when I did to her she loved it!
- Enough!
(bomb buzzing)
Soon you will feel the fire of
12-million souls you failed!
- So what you're saying is
by touching that red spot
in just the right way
there's an explosion?
- Exactly.
(Batman groans sexually)
We get it.
- You know I'm good at it,
I do the alphabet.
A is for Alfred, B is for bats--
- It's a clitoris, I get it, I get it.
You don't have to show me--
- I've found it!
- I get it.
- I'm the world's greatest detective!
- Give it!
(Batman groan in pain)
- [Bane] Yes, how does it feel to have
something hard penetrate your body?
No, nothing?
- I mean, I could think
of like ten off of that.
- I'm sorry
All sex jokes aside, I am
losing quite a bit of blood.
- [Bane] You're an idiot.
- Alright, fuck this, I'm
just gonna blow up Gotham now.
Good-bye, my love
- Wait, are you crying right now?
Jesus, his face is all wet,
like mine was at the beginning--
- And he's back.
- and yours was at the end--
- [Bane] Press the button!
(button beeping)
(Talia sighs in defeat)
- You gave Gordon a
way to block my signal.
No matter, you've bought
yourself 11-minutes.
(dramatic music)
- What you should buy yourself,
is another pair of panties.
I totally hid these from you
when you were in the John.
(Batman sniffs panties loudly)
- So gross.
- That's a lot of memories.
Huh?
You want a little?
(Bane groans in disgust)
Which ones of these tubes
do you smell out of?
(Bane groaning in disgust)
Now, you have my permission to cry.
(electronic record scratching)
(heart beating)
(timer beeping)
(dramatic music)
- What are you doing?
- The core explodes in two minutes.
I can fly it out over the bay.
- You could've gone anywhere
but you came back here.
- So did you.
- I guess we're both suckers.
(timer continues beeping)
- Shouldn't people know
the hero who saved them?
- A hero can be anyone.
(Batmobile droning)
Even a man doing something as simple as
putting a coat on a young boy's shoulders.
(door hisses shut)
(Batmobile whirring)
(door hisses open)
I may or may not have been that boy.
- Oh really?
(timer continues beeping)
- The boy who, I don't know,
maybe had just had his parents murdered?
- Right.
(timer continues beeping)
- Making me--
- Oh, my god, you're Bruce Wayne!
You know there's a bomb
that's gonna go off--
(Batman shushing Commissioner Gordon)
- It's not who I am underneath--
- But what you do that defines you.
- It's what I do,
(timer continues beeping)
that defines me.
(door hisses shut)
(door hisses open)
I forgot to mention.
(timer continues beeping)
No autopilot.
So I'm straight up sacrificing
myself for my city.
- Oh, that is so sad.
Oh, look at the time.
- We need a relic,
for a masked vigilante.
Whose name we don't even know.
(timer continues beeping)
Perhaps Bruce Wayne--
- Oh my god, he hasn't left yet?!
- I told him!
- Batman, aren't you forgetting
something really important?
- Oh right!
Selina,
I forgot to give you the clean slate.
- Look at that!
You already gave me the clean slate,
so you can go.
- The clean slate!
The ultimate tool for a
master thief with a record.
- I already know what it--
- The clean slate!
It wipes your record clean!
Clean as a clean slate--
Shut up about the clean slate, just go!
(timer continues beeping)
- Clean slate!
(door hissing)
I forgot to do my stretches.
- Alright, you're about to die,
so you don't really need to stretch.
(timer continues beeping)
- Okay.
It's a little morbid,
but fair point.
I'm outie!
(door hissing)
One more thing.
I can't help but feel
like our kiss was rushed.
- What?
- For a last kiss on Earth,
it's like a seven.
I feel like I should get another shot.
- If she kisses you, will you leave?
- Totally.
- I'm sorry, I'm sorry!
(timer continues beeping)
(Catwoman sighs)
(Batman moans sexually)
(timer continues beeping)
- Are you fucking kidding me right now?
- Sorry.
Its been awhile since a
bat's been in the cave,
if you know what I mean.
- Yeah, see, you're not even a bat,
you're a pig!
- Save the goddamn city!
- Okay!
I'll go drop the bomb in the bay.
The bay!
Where it won't hurt a soul.
- Good.
- Thank you!
- The bay.
- Yup.
- Sittin' on the dock of the bay.
- Please don't.
♪ Watchin' the tide roll away ♪
- Oh, my god we're gonna die.
(Batman whistles to "Sitting
on the Dock of the Bay")
- All right...
If you don't leave right now
I'm gonna blow your brains out!
- Okay!
- Please, go!
- Okay, sorry.
- Leave!
- Please! (crying)
- One last question.
- What?
- Harvey Dent.
- Oh, fuck my face.
- Can we trust him?
- No, we can't trust him,
because he's Two-Face
and he's dead and you
killed him and Bane...
Just leave!
- Fine.
Jesus Louisus.
(door hissing)
How does this thing even work?
(door hissing)
It's new,
I'm still getting the hang of it.
(door hissing)
Oop, got, there it is.
There's a button marked "down."
Oh, one more thing.
Tell Alfred, to suck it.
(door hisses shut)
(Batmobile whirring)
(Batman whistles to "Sitting
on the Dock of the Bay")
(bomb explodes)
- We're saved.
- And he got rid of the bomb!
- Oh!
What a hero!
Huh?
Hey, what're you doing for
the next couple of months?
You wanna go to the same cafe
in Italy with me everyday?
And wait for my butler?
- Fuck this.
(electronic record scratching)
(heart beating)
(dramatic music)
- I know you're here.
You can come out.
- What do you want, Clark?
- It's like this, Bruce.
Sooner or later, somebody's
gonna ask me to bring you in.
Someone with authority.
When that happens--
- When that happens, Clark...
May the best man win.
- Bruce...
I think it's time we put
our differences aside,
and worked together.
- What?
- What?
- I mean...
Why?
- You're Batman.
- Yeah.
And I have no special powers.
I'm basically just rich,
and nuts.
Rich and nuts.
- Bruce.
Your scientific mind alone--
- Is completely useless
when we have a man that bullets
literally bounce off of.
- Your fighting skills--
- My main nemesis is Bane.
Basically just a roided-out
jock with a gas mask.
And he straight up broke my back.
You could've taken him down with one hand!
And with the other hand,
you could've just jerked it.
Da-da-da-da-da!
Super jerk!
- It's just...
I don't... (sighs heavily)
You're cool.
- Oh (laughs) okay.
I get it.
You're having an image problem.
- Don't be ridiculous!
I'm Superman.
- Yeah, exactly!
It's fucking white bread!
You're boring!
Look at you and your stupid outfit.
- My father gave me this outfit.
- And your dad's dead!
Get over your dead parents already.
- Didn't your parents die?
(Batman cries)
- Don't bring it up!
I was a boy!
Now I'm a bat!
- I'm sorry!
- My suit is cool!
'Cause I made it myself, Daddy's boy!
You got a stupid "S" on your chest,
in case we could forget who you are.
- It's my people's symbol for hope.
- Hope starts with an "H", stupid.
- Okay...
It, okay, stop.
- Face it, you're lame.
- You're wearing eye makeup!
- Fuck you!
I didn't just inherit my abilities
from a different fucking atmosphere.
"This air makes me strong!"
You fucking nerd!
With your nerd hair.
- Batman, Superman!
I saw the Bat Signal, what's going on?
- Commissioner Gordon,
Batman and I were
discussing a partnership.
- Wait, but why?
- That's what I said!
- Yeah, that seems completely unnecessary.
- Right?
- I've been dealing with you
lunatics for about a decade
and this is...
I can't believe it...
I'm gonna say this...
I'm in total agreement with Batman.
- Feels good.
- Why are you guys being this way?
- Somebody's gotta tell you, man.
You're boring.
- Pretty lame.
- Even your alter ego, I mean...
I picked, like 1970's Hugh Hefner.
You picked, like, a...
One of the "Newsies".
- Yeah, what is up with that?
- I didn't base my alter ego
off of the musical, "Newsies".
- Which "Newsie" did you
base Clark Kent off of?
Was it Crutchy?
- I'm not Crutchy!
- I'm getting a strong
feeling that it was Crutchy.
- I'm not Crutchy!
And I prefer if we didn't discuss
my alter ego around the Commissioner.
- Take it easy Crutchy, I
know that you're Clark Kent.
- What?
- Um, newsflash,
it takes a little more then wearing a hat
and/or glasses to fool people.
- Really?
- Check this out, watch.
Uh oh, I'm someone else!
Are you fooled?
I'm not Commissioner Gordon, he's gone--
- Who are you?!?
Where is Commissioner Gordon?
Oh!
You're back.
- All right.
- Commissioner, there was someone else.
(Commissioner Gordon shushes Batman)
Superman, you saw him!
There was another man!
- Okay, okay, okay--
- He's hiding in the shadows!
- The man's gone.
- You know what?
Screw you guys.
Just...
Just forget it.
- You know all this
lameness might be one of
the reasons why you've never been able to
"seal the deal" with Lois Lane.
- Oof.
- Leave her out of this.
- She's always just throwing that brassy,
sassy news reporter poon in your face.
Like, "Hey, this just
in, put this just in me!"
- Stop.
- What's the point of
being the Man of Steel,
if you don't know how
to use all that metal?
Hit it!
(hands clap)
- Enough!
(eyes buzzing)
- You're adorable.
- Yeah.
What are you gonna do, sweetie?
Burn us with your magic eyes?
That'd be a first.
You always use it for something lame,
like cutting through an iceberg,
or heating up an old woman's porridge.
"Is that soup too cold,
madame?" (imitates buzzing)
I'd use that stuff to
take off Bane's arms.
- Stop it!
I came here to team up!
Not to be berated!
- Hey Clark...
Guess what I'm doing under the cape?
Use your x-ray vision.
I'll save you the trouble.
I'm giving you the bird!
What's this mean on Krypton?
Gratitude?
- Ouch!
- Good-bye!
(Superman whooshes thunderously away)
- What a dick.
- Yeah.
"The letter S is also the
symbol for hope on my planet."
I'm glad they're dead.
- Wow.
- Where is the Commissioner?!?
Who...
Oh, you're back.
- And I hate you again.
- Yeah.
I am confused easily.
(electronic record scratching)
(heart beating)
- We're excited to have
you as an intern, Jim,
I'm sorry things didn't
work out at the Gotham P.D.
- Yeah.
- What did you say
you were doing for them again?
- Commissioner.
- Anyway, we're gonna set
you up with an intern,
to sort of show you the lay of the land.
This guy, we've been working
with for a couple of months.
Oh, there he is!
- Commissioner!
Ah!
Looks like we're working together again!
- Yeah.
- We're not fighting crime,
fighting office inefficiencies!
So Intern Gordon, this is the photocopier.
Not a big deal to me, it works
just like my super computer.
Watch.
Photocopier!
Initialize!
- I think you just
press the green button--
- Wait for it.
- Okay.
- If you're gonna answer the phone,
you gotta pick a voice that
the customer's gonna like.
Hello, College Humor...
It's too scary, I sound like a bat.
- Okay.
- So I like to do something
like... (phone button clicks)
Hello, yeah, I live in Queens!
- Yeah, hey, hello!
- Debra!
- Mom!
Leave us alone!
- I got two boys!
They're twins!
- You're invader of privacy!
- I don't have boundaries with my parents!
This is the kitchen.
I like to start my day with a
bowl of fruited-loop cereal,
called, "Froot Loops".
- Oh, that guy just took 'em all.
- I'll get him with the skills
I learned in the mountains.
Excuse me, what is the HG...
Get outta here!
(cereal crunching)
- You learned that in the mountains?
- Yeah that and how to trip
balls on a blue flower.
It's scary at first, but then
it gets really trippy and fun.
- Like Coachella?
- It's a lot like Coachella!
Who made your sandwich for you?
(sandwich baggies rustling)
- To tell you, my wife.
- Oh yeah.
- Why, who made your sandwich?
- Alfred!
What?
No, no, no, no...
My butler, whuh...
(College Humor employees
laughing distantly)
The Wayne family butler,
Alfred Pennyworth!
Wait!
No!
Alf...
Alf!
- Alf?
- Alf!
- '80s T.V. icon, "Alf"
made your sandwich?
- Yeah!
Remember that show from the '80s?
"Hey Alf, make me a sandwich!
"No problem!"
Made me a sandwich.
It's probably cat.
Photocopier.
Photocopy!
- No, I think you just
hit the green button.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
- Photocopier, hit the green button!
- (groans) Oh God--
- With science!
- Woo-hoo-hoo!
I'm Garbage the Clown,
if played by Jeff Bridges, man!
(punch thuds)
(Garbage wails)
- It's The Joker!
- Oh God!
(Batman yelling)
Oh God, please stop!
- Where are they?!?
- I'm not The Joker!
I'm not The Joker!
- Where are they?!?
- I'm a copywriter!
- Batman, stop, stop, stop!
It's not The Joker!
He's not The Joker!
- Look!
I'm just a copywriter, please!
- They're just doing a clown sketch,
it's not The Joker!
- Well...
I work here, too,
what do you write?
- I don't know, just, jokes--
- He's The Joker!
(Josh groans in pain)
He's The Joker!
- No, stop, stop!
- He's The Joker!
- All right guys, that's
probably enough for today,
thanks so much.
- You're welcome.
- Thanks, chief.
Well, I guess I'll just leave normally.
One question though...
Harvey Dent...
Can we trust him?
(dramatic music swells)
(Sam laughs)
- I love this!
I love this bit, get into it!
- We're not your shields!
We're not your monkeys
doing whatever you say
for your silly little online T.V. channel.
- What is that?
- You wanna do some
half-baked, low-production,
value version of our thing,
where we just say catchphrases,
how's this for a catchphrase?
(blows raspberries)
You look like the kid
from "A Christmas Story",
grew up to be a hobbit!
Fuck your shelf!
Right in your shire-hole!
- Guys, I did not mean to offend at all.
I apologize, if I offended
you or anyone else,
I'm so sorry...
Guys?
- Apology accepted!
- Holy shit!
- You look like the T.A.,
at a female sexuality class at Vassar!
(electronic record scratching)
(heart beating)
(clapperboards slapping)
- Marker.
(crew murmuring)
(Rachel groans)
(music stab)
- He wears makeup,
he has an Afro.
- See I realize immediately.
- The Joker wears-- (everyone laughs)
(Wiggles groans)
Where... (laughs)
Sorry, what's the line?
(director murmurs)
- He broke, you have one rule.
- I have one rule!
(reel beeps)
I think I broke my hand.
(crew reacts and laughs)
(reel beeps)
And all of Gotham's...
Sid, I'm so sorry.
(director cuts)
(everyone laughing)
(reel beeps)
Just last week I saw a
guy waiting for the bus,
I thought it was the Scarecrow,
I'm pretty sure I killed him.
I mean, I straight up murdered him.
(everyone laughs)
(music stab)
- Oh my God!
I told you a riddle,
you were supposed to say "bullet"
and then I was gonna shoot you, like this!
(gun clicks)
(bullets clinking delicately)
(everyone laughing)
(reel beeps)
- [Director] Great.
(Batman wheezing comically)
(Rachel joking)
(both laughing)
- Don't do it Riddler!
(reel beeps)
Put the gun down!
(reel beeps)
I don't have any time
for riddles! (reel beeps)
Fuck you!
- Cut there.
(both laughing)
(reel beeps)
- We're not dating.
She's dating Bruce Wayne.
Who by the way, is like, super cool.
- All right, ready?
(Batman laughs)
(music stab)
- Oh yeah, where were the
other drugs goin', huh?
(reel beeps)
(laughing)
It was Pacino, like, "Aw, yeah".
(reel beeps)
Where were the other drugs going?
(reel beeps)
Yeah, it's the Ray Romano.
(reel beeps)
Do I look like a cop?
(reel beeps)
Live in Queens!
(reel beeps)
Hey, hey, how ya doin'?
(reel beeps)
It's Mark Wahlberg, yeah.
I'm the fighter.
I was in "I Heart Huckabees".
You like that movie?
What was that movie about?
(reel beeps)
Where were the other drugs going?
With the zippilee-dippliest
of them and you snort 'em
and you get real high?
(reel beeps)
(director directing)
- Really?
Where the--?
(director directing)
So you just gonna...
Are you just gonna keep
pulling me up and down?
(reel beeps)
Where were the other drugs going?
Where were they going?
I wanna fuck you.
Where were the other drugs going?!?
(music stab)
- Oh my gosh, you won't believe this!
- What, Bruce Wayne is Batman? (laughs)
(reel beeps)
- I tell you what, Bats,
it's a real dark night, huh?
(chuckles) You're driving me batty!
(chuckles) Who's The Joker, now?
Joker, where?
(reel beeps)
(everyone laughing)
(reel beeps)
Exorcist!
Exorcist!
Ex...
It's Owl Man!
(reel beeps)
Oh, it's the Batman!
Speak of him.
He's behind you.
That'll prove that it's
not me, Bruce Wayne.
I'm gonna go over here
and eat a Fabergé egg.
(everyone laughs)
(music stab)
Harvey, use that gun
you're holding on Two-Face,
next time he shows his faces!
(director murmurs)
(everyone laughs)
Such a fucking idiot!
(reel beeps)
Scary face! (laughs)
- Remember that?
- I think I have
a Ricola on this. (laughs)
(music stab)
- Your primal fear is Girl Scouts?
- No, stop saying it!
You'll make them come! (laughing)
(reel beeps)
Why are we training
children to love bears?
They are our natural foe!
Wait. (laughs)
(reel beeps)
I don't wanna nap!
Yielded...
Fuck! (everyone laughs)
(music stab)
I wanna feel it, animal style!
(horribly singing "The Circle of Life")
(laughs)
(reel beeps)
Our second date, we'll sit
in a hammock in The Bahamas.
(blows raspberry)
I'm so sorry! (everyone laughing)
(reel beeps)
Sometimes, the sexiest thing
a woman can do is forgive.
(crew laughs)
(reel beeps)
Rubber sheets, rubber suit,
Squeegee aisle 69. (laughs)
That's a big supermarket!
(everyone laughs)
(music stab)
The clean slate! (laughs)
(reel beeps)
Computer, fix the auto-pilot.
Error, error.
No auto-pilot. (laughs)
(reel beeps)
Why am I even doing the
voice, you know it's me.
(reel beeps)
Good-bye, Gordon!
- Bye! (laughing)
- Good-bye!
(reel beeps)
Tell Alfred to suck it!
(reel beeps)
- I guess we're both suckers.
(suits squeaking)
(Batman giggles)
(music stab)
- Arrest The Penguin
and let Stabby McBreastplate run around.
Good, all right, great.
Gotham City, folks.
(reel beeps)
Oh, he's Bruce Wayne!
- No!
- Oh, what is your name?
- My name is Hampton Hangingpork.
- Hampton...
Did you say that because there's
a pig hanging next to me?
(reel beeps)
- My name is Hampton
Hugevag. (everyone laughing)
(electronic record scratching)
(heart beating)
