- All jokes aside,
though, I was thrilled
when they offered me
the opportunity to roast
such a brilliant, charismatic,
totally self-made
billionaire who I believe
will one day run this country.
(audience member cheers)
Then the Facebook guy
canceled, and we got stuck
with your bloated ass.
(audience laughs)
(high energy music)
Tonight, we honor a
self-made millionaire.
He started with
nothing, worked hard,
and made a fortune.
That man is Fred
Trump, Donald's dad.
(audience laughs and applauds)
But even when you're
born with a silver spoon
in your mouth, hard
times can strike,
and that's just what
happened to Donald.
He was even forced into the
ultimate act of degradation,
starring in his
own reality show.
(audience laughs)
And soon, the top-rated
TV show in the nation
starred a total asshole
torturing people
who were stupid enough
to work with him.
In addition to Two
and a Half Men,
The Apprentice was also
a pretty popular show.
(audience laughs)
This guy has an ego.
When Trump bangs a
supermodel, he closes his eyes
and imagines he's jerking off.
(audience laughs and applauds)
And now Donald, let's get
our first roaster up here
to knock you down like
the homeless shelter
you had destroyed
on the way here.
- Oh my god.
(audience laughs)
- I know we're here
to roast Donald Trump,
but I gotta give a shout
out to my main man,
Larry King in the
motherfucking house.
(audience laughs and applauds)
Larry, you know how we is.
Larry is cool, but backstage
I handed him a joint,
and he rubbed BENGAY into it.
(audience laughs and applauds)
Hey yo, wassup?
FYI, ain't no niggas
watching The Cleveland Show.
(audience laughs and applauds)
From me to you.
Lisa is a stone cold freak.
(audience laughs)
Lisa fucked Larry King,
Don King, Rodney King,
and Billie Jean King in
a Burger King bathroom.
(audience laughs)
This is an ugly business, man.
I mean, look at Jeff Ross.
(audience laughs)
He's one ugly motherfucker.
(audience laughs)
Now when Jeff was born, his
mother shit during the delivery,
and when she looked down,
she thought she had twins.
(audience laughs and applauds)
That's why he's so corny.
(audience laughs)
I gotta say a few more
things about my girl
Snooki over there.
(audience laughs)
Oh, that ain't Snooki?
Oh, my bad, I'm sorry.
All white people who act
black look alike to me.
(audience laughs)
Hey man, stop
lifting your shirt up
like a prison bitch, or
else go out on the corner
and get me some
motherfucking money
before I go upside your
head with this coat hanger.
(audience laughs and cheers)
Now from me to you,
Donald, I wish I had
half of your money,
but for that,
you need a 20 year old's
pussy and a divorce lawyer.
(audience laughs and groans)
Now I may not have
half his paper,
but I got twice the dick,
and you can believe that.
(audience laughs)
Donald's said he wants
to run for president
and move on into
the White House.
Why not?
It wouldn't be the
first time you pushed
a black family
out of their home.
(audience laughs,
groans and applauds)
- Situation from
the Jersey Shore.
You have a book out!
Amazon said customers
who bought this book
also bought a rope and a stool.
(audience laughs)
Donald, tonight people will
make fun of your looks.
Fuck 'em!
You've always gotten
beautiful women.
You've disappointed more
women than Sex and the City 2.
You are the ultimate
proof that money can buy
good-lookin' pussy.
(audience laughs)
If you were broke,
you'd be fucking me.
(audience laughs)
- This is my career.
It's come to this.
(audience laughs)
If you're just joining
us, by the way,
we're here with Lisa Lumpybelly.
(laughs)
Lisa is a shock comic, but
only if you look at her face.
(laughs)
Situation has a new fragrance
out called The Sitch,
which is also what
you call yourself
when you can't spell
your own nickname.
(audience laughs)
To prepare for this event,
I read Jeff Ross' book
about roasts.
Jeff, my last
prenup was funnier.
(audience laughs)
And unlike you, I
wrote it myself.
(audience laughs and applauds)
Donald Trump, without a doubt,
you're a New York landmark,
which means it's
only a matter of time
until you bulldoze
yourself to build
some bawdy, tacky monstrosity
and put your name on it.
- Mike, you're doing
really well right now.
You've got a ton of
endorsement deals.
You've got a cologne, a
vodka, a workout video.
I mean, you've got your
name on everything,
except a high school diploma.
You know, they say you only
roast the ones you love.
So this is gonna be short.
(audience laughs)
You know, at first, I
thought Seth was just famous
for The Family Guy, but
then I did some research.
He's actually not famous at all.
(audience laughs)
Donald, you've got a
great sense of humor.
You've been so happy
to embarrass yourself
on Saturday Night Live,
and the casino business.
(audience laughs)
Donald Trump is
such a douchebag,
(audience laughs)
that if you look up the word
douchebag in the dictionary,
there's a picture
of Spencer Pratt,
but if you look
close, Spencer Pratt
is holding up a picture
of Donald Trump.
(audience laughs)
- [Mike] Hey, Jeff
Ross, what's up, man?
- What's up, buddy?
- Jeff, me and you have
a lot in common, buddy.
- [Jeff] What's that?
- We're both from
Jersey, and tonight,
it's my first
night doing comedy.
(audience laughs and applauds)
Well.
- It's also your last
night, just so you know!
(audience laughs and applauds)
- As you can see,
I'll be speaking
with the help of my
signer this evening,
and to be honest, I'm
a little self-conscious
about my voice,
because I've been told
by thousands of people
that when I speak,
it sounds like Whitney Cummings
with a dick in her mouth.
(audience laughs and applauds)
I guess I'm the perfect
choice for this roast,
because like The
Situation, I, too,
have never heard the
sound of laughter.
(audience laughs and applauds)
And of course, over
there is the legendary
roast master general, Jeff Ross.
Can you believe that he
actually asked me out?
I said, "Jeff, I'm
deaf, not blind!"
(audience laughs and applauds)
I have to say,
it's such a thrill
to be up here with an esteemed
peer, like Lisa Lampanelli.
I won the Oscar
for best actress,
and Lisa won Best in
Breed at the county fair.
(audience laughs and applauds)
Marlee, I can't do this anymore!
She's an Oscar-winning
actress, and I can't do this.
I'm outta here, see you later!
(audience applauds)
- But can anyone
else speak for me?
Hello?
- I will be of assistance!
(audience applauds and cheers)
I will be happy to sign for
the great Marlee Matlin!
(audience cheers)
Ah, the Hammerstein Ballroom.
Speaking of ballroom,
Mister Trump,
how are those SPANX holding up?
(audience laughs)
Donald always says money
can't buy happiness,
but it can buy the best
Eastern European whores
New York City has to offer!
Did I get that right?
(audience laughs and applauds)
- Sounds good to me.
- Anthony Jeselnik is
making his first appearance
on the roast.
This is the first someone
has lost their virginity
around Donald Trump
without him having
to promise them
American citizenship.
(audience laughs and groans)
People make fun
of The Situation.
They make fun of the
fact that he's always
lifting up shirt
to show his abs.
I endorse it.
In fact, Mr. Situation, I
suggest you lift up your shirt
even higher so that it
covers this situation.
(audience laughs and groans)
Lisa Lampanelli is here.
Lisa, thanks for
making time to be here.
I know you're very
busy starring in
I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant.
(audience laughs)
Donald, you are gross.
Nobody likes you, but you
came back every couple years
and nobody knows why.
You're like the McRib.
(audience laughs and applauds)
Donald Trump, you are known
for your terrible haircut,
and now I can see why.
Your hair sucks.
You look like Justin
Bieber caught on fire.
(audience laughs)
You're obviously very rich.
Donald Trump is literally
rolling in dough,
which means he
knows what it's like
to fuck Lisa Lampanelli.
(audience laughs)
You got Melania a huge 12
karat diamond engagement ring.
You should not have
gotten her a diamond.
Now she knows what hard
is supposed to feel like.
(audience groans and applauds)
- This is exciting, Trump.
Are you having a good time?
- [Trump] Good time.
- All right, well,
tell your face.
(audience laughs)
Larry, I love you.
You've been a great
sport tonight.
Give him some love.
(audience cheers and applauds)
The former hunchback of CNN.
(audience laughs)
His first caller was
Alexander Graham Bell.
The first time Larry covered
an uprising in Egypt,
he interviewed Moses.
(audience laughs)
Larry asked him if he
thought the whole thing
was a pyramid scheme.
(audience laughs)
I love Larry.
He recently quit his show.
He plans on spending his
retirement opening a jar.
(audience laughs)
Whitney, thanks for yelling
your act at us like always.
(audience laughs)
This is the first time
Marlee's glad she's deaf.
Snoop Dogg, he's
smoked so much weed
he actually had to
write a song called,
"Hey, What's My
Motherfucking Name?"
(audience laughs)
The Situation is here for you.
I'm looking forward
to the cancellation.
(audience laughs)
I heard the next season
of the Jersey Shore
is gonna be shot in
Italy, is that right?
I hope that's just a sneaky
way of deporting you.
(audience laughs and applauds)
Donald, doesn't
it drive you crazy
that you'll never
build anything as high
as me and Snoop right now?
Donald's ego is so big,
he videotapes himself
masturbating, and then
masturbates to that video.
(audience laughs and applauds)
Greg Giraldo, roast in peace.
Thank you very much,
ladies and gentleman.
(crowd cheers and applauds)
(high energy music)
