 
### Table of Contents

Title Page

Introduction

Chapter 1 - Barber & Beautician Jokes

For a Close Shave

Just Checking

Trip to Rome

The Generous Barber

Shave and a Shine

Blonde with Headphones

Radical Haircut

Wild Thing

Spend All My Money **

Blonde's New Cell Phone

Choosing a Barber

Hair on Your Twinkie *

Chapter 2 - Bedside Jokes

Whiskey on My Grave

Dying for Some Lefse

The English Patient

Tell Me the Truth

I'll Give It a Try **

One More Time

There by My Side

Deathbed Confession

Goodbye Old Friends **

Walking the Patient

Trustworthy Professionals

Law Partners

Accountant and the Lawyer

First Things First

Were You Faithful?

The Shoe Box

Renounce Satan

One Final Debt

You're Beautiful

Chapter 3 - Blind & Deaf Jokes

Blind Man and the Nun

Horse for Sale

Failing Eyesight

Flying Blind

Blind Skydiver

Genie with a Hearing Problem *

Seeing Eye Dog

Blind Man's Bluff

Burglary Investigation

Blind Golfers

Can You Hear Me Now?

Blind Man in the Bank

Goodbye Old Friends **

No Menu Please **

Fishing Gear

Bad Guide Dog

Blind Carpenter *

You're in Texas Son

Blind Soccer Team

High Stakes Game

I Can't Thank You Enough

So That's What Happened

New Hearing Aid

Valuable Information

Something in Your Ear

Making Your Prayers Count

May I Play Through?

Old Couple and the Cop

Guess My Age

Great Cruise *

Another Stained Dress **

Not Without a Condom

Newlywed Signals

Deaf Society Speech *

A Really Tough Sale

Three Old Golfers

Blind Men and an Elephant

Forgot My Room Number

Deaf Men in the Bar

Chapter 4 - Blonde Jokes

Blonde in a Speeding Car

Blonde on a Flight to New York

Blonde Detective Trainees

Blonde with Headphones

Blonde in an Appliance Store

Blonde Goes Ice Fishing

Blonde at the Pop Machine

Blonde Escapes from Prison

Blonde Stewardess Trainee

Two Blondes in the Forest

A Slight Delay

Blonde Pilot

Washing the Dog

The Traffic Cop **

Blonde Kidnapper

I'll Take That One *

Great Fishing Spot

Blonde with an Adult Video *

Blondes in Canada

Bottom Deodorant

Blonde Selling Her Car

Blonde with a Jaguar

The Magic Mountain

Blonde with a Pizza

Blonde and the River

Blonde Carpenters

Blonde with a Thermos

A Cause for Celebration

A Typical Blonde Bet

My House is on Fire

The Facts of Life **

Grooming Suggestions **

The Big Race

Close Supervision

Roadside Assistance

Mail Call

Painting Project

Safety First

A Special Frog

Scary Ride

Correct Pronunciation

Blonde Cowboy

Blonde on a Diet

Blonde Space Travel

Blonde's Final Exam

Degrading Humor

Alligator Shoes

The Runaway Horse

How Should I Know?

Sure Looks Familiar

Vengeance is Mine

State Capitals

How Can I Know for Sure

Horrific Accident

Burglary Investigation

The Blonde Airman

Count Me Out

Deceiving Directions

Drink Orders

Blonde Father

Cheap Cruise

More Bad News

Quality Control

Big for My Age

It's Not Mine

Can't Tell Them Apart

Makes Me So Angry

Locked Myself Out

Move to the Back Seat?

Avoiding Arrest

Flowers for My New Bride

A Very Expensive Fur Coat

Blonde Husband

I'm Ready Doctor

Fishing Competition

A Magic Mermaid

Thirst Quenching

Blonde Lumberjack

The Big Bank Heist

Excited Blonde

Blonde Pilot Trainee

The Blonde Cop

Moving Violation

Driving Too Slow

Wallpapering Project

The Blonde State Trooper

Blonde at the Bus Stop

Indecent Exposure

Two Red Ears

Stranded

Auto Body Repair

The Witch and the Mirror

Blonde in Therapy

Still Stranded

Follow the Snow Plow

Coffee Complications

Job Interview

What is Easter

Acute Appendicitis

The Night Watchman

Blonde Freshman

Blondes with a Porsche

Stand in the Circle

Telephone Poles

A Noble Sacrifice

Lost Blonde Hunters

Blonde's New Cell Phone

Blonde Golfers

The Blonde Wolf

The Placebo Effect

New Blonde Driver

The Maligned Preacher

The Young Blonde Bride

The Blonde Commuter

Run Ten Miles a Day

Two Blondes at a Bus Stop

The Blonde Restaurant

Blonde Explorer

Blonde and the Librarian

Blonde Bank Robber **

The Blonde Nun

Minor Repairs

The Blonde Farmer

Blonde and the Milkman

Blonde Suicide

May I See Your License

Blonde Back Pain

Deodorant for my Husband

Blonde Orgasms **

Going the Wrong Way

A Message to Mom **

Emergency Medical Call

The Dead Bird

The Camping Trip

Christmas Stamps

Nuns and the Vanpire

Nun and the Camel **

Blonde Auto Technician

The Blonde Pedistrian

Double Blonde Robbery

Almost Out of Paper

The Blonde and the RV

Blonde Groom

Golf Balls

Blonde Traffic Cop

Blonde Deer Hunter

Rejected Centerfold *

Won Big in Vegas

Left the Iron On

The Blonde Artist

Is it Jimmy Hoffa?

She's a Lesbian

This is a Library

Paternity Trial

Dog with One Eye

Help Us

Pedestrians and Catholics

Blonde at a Football Game

No Fishing License

Pregnancy Test

Lost My Ring

Blonde Millionaire

Defective Bird Dog

Two Blondes

Blonde School Counselor

Blonde Casualty

Blonde Math

Flight Information

The Blonde Juror *

Something on Your Cheek

Mystery Stain **

A Very Pinful Sunburn *

Inseminate the Cow

A Blonde with Goldfish

Blonde Friday

Blondes and a Mustang

Blonde and the Shrink **

Return to Sender

Broken Baby Scale

Name That Tune

Fixing the Roof

Chapter 5 - Cafe & Bestaurant Jokes

Efficient Restaurant *

Bad Service *

Who Was That Woman?

Got Any Water?

Chinese Jews

Directions to the Restroom

Out-of-Town Dining

Japanese Pizza

Fat Free French Fries

Sharing a Meal

Something in Your Ear

A Bad Burger

No Menu Please **

Presidential Lunch

Panda in a Restaurant

Lunch and Marriage

Satisfaction Guaranteed

Indian in the Cafe

The Wild Implant *

Exceptional Service

Very Patient Waiter

Campaigning Tips

Something on Your Cheek

Chapter 6 - Cannibal & Jungle Jokes

The Full Meal Deal

Cannibal Feast *

Take Your Pick

We Can Rebuild Him *

Jungle Romance *

A Down Under Virgin

The Amazon Adventure

The Old Explorer

Chinese Torture *

A Slight Accent

The Deserted Island

Cannibal Cafe

Blonde Explorer

Ten Lashes with a Whip

The Texan's Revenge

Learning English

Tarzan Gets Lucky

Angry African Chief *

A Rich Doctor

My Prayers are Answered

Animal Protection Decree

Jungle Mugging

The Cricket Match

Jungle Drums

More Jungle Drums

British Explorer

My Little Buddy

Jungle Golf

Chapter 7 - College & University Jokes

Biology Lesson

The Frog and the Engineer

Texas Aggie Newlyweds

Logical Choise

Classroom Humor

College Majors

Efficiency Expert

Away at School

Dormitory Rules

The Gravy Ladle

Fancy Book Learning

Scholary Texan

Poetry Contest *

Dormitory Virgin

Graphic Lesson

Incorrect Diagnosis

A Logical Response

Charitable Act

Chapter 8 - Cowboy & Indian Jokes

Bovine Fantasy

On Second Thought

Special of the Day

Fancy Roping *

Are You Real Indians?

Cowboy Saloon *

The Toughest Cowboy

Self Image

Tight Leather Skirt

Talk to the Animals

Chapped Lips *

Scholarly Texan

Shave and a Shine

New York Ranchers

You're in Texas Son

Don't Make Me Do It Again

The Bull and the Train

Ride'em Cowboy **

Not as Nice as Texas

Blonde Cowboy

The Old Gunfighter

Sex Eduction *

I Didn't Catch Your Name *

Courageous Conduct

Drinking Bet

Cultural Values

Blind Leading the Blind

The Bacon Tree

Indian Mating Call

Bucking Bronco *

The Texan and the Aussie

The Texan's Revenge

Cowboy in Black

Smart Indian

A Perfect Memory

Indian in New York

A Real Scoop

Indian in the Cafe

Irishmen and Indians

Texan and the Cabbie

Texas Aggie Newlyweds

Mad Martin is Coming

Enchanted Rattlesnake

Minor Sugery

Down for the Count

Cowboy Compassion *

Brokeback Mountain

Just One Abnormality

New Bull at the Ranch

Watch What You Say

Hi Ho Silver

Sit Yourself Down

Chapter 9 - Dentist & Optometrist Jokes

Mutual Consideration

Let's Negotiate **

I'm Ready Doctor

Comfortable Dentures

Still Too Much

I Love My Dentist **

Seeing Spots

Make Up Your Mind

Trustworthy Dentist

Crude Production

Painless Estraction

Routine Eye Exam

Innovative Dentist

No Last Name

Dental Technique

Just a Small Sin

Chapter 10 - Domestic Staff Jokes

The Butler Did It

The New Maid

Hungry Baby

All in the Family

Bridge Anyone *

A Very Important Person

Rush Linbaugh's Chauffeur

Very Easy Question

As You Wish Sir

The Hairless Maid *

The Royal Robbery

Eccentric Psychiatrist

A Tip for Fido

Terry's Joke Collection Breakdown

#

# Terry's Joke Collection

# Volume II

Barber to Domestic Staff Jokes

# Terry Eade

Copyright 2017 Terry Eade

Smashwords Edition

ISBN 9781370750245
Introduction

Illustration by Terry Eade

This is the second of nine volumes of Terry's Joke Collection. The collection has been broken up into separate volumes to keep each book under a thousand pages. This has been done for storage and data transmission purposes. There are fifty-two chapters, with each chapter covering a specific category of jokes. This makes it easier to find a joke, which fits the occasion or topic.

Each joke has a title and is listed in the table of contents in the appropriate chapter so that it can be accessed directly by just clicking on its title. Jokes are also annotated to let the reader know if it is appropriate for the occasion or audience where you are telling the joke. This scale is explained at the beginning of each chapter. Although the number of chapters in each volume range from three to ten, most of the volumes contain about the same number of jokes. A complete listing of all volumes in this series is provided at the end of this book.

The advantage of having these books in electronic format is that you can view them on your smart phone, tablet, ebook reader, or computer. You can specify the size of the print they will appear in, so they are easy for you to read. You can also use your device's ebook reader software to electronically bookmark a joke you want to quickly access. Because they are stored as books in your mobile device library you can have them with you wherever you go, without needing a wi-fi connection, a cell phone connection, or using any of your data allowance.

The size and weight of this information in traditional print books would take a whole suitcase to store and that suitcase would weigh a ton. Now you can have thousands of jokes with you on your phone. So you should never have to apologize because you can't remember a great joke you would like to tell or forget the punch line of one you are trying to tell from memory.

Even if you're not the type of person who enjoys telling jokes, you will get hours of enjoyment reading those provided in this book and the other eight volumes of the Terry's Joke Collection series. Also. if you are like me, you will find your favorites and enjoy reading them over and over. When I am telling jokes to my friends they will have their favorites and request them for any new person in the group or just to hear them again. Virtually any time I am telling jokes to my friends they will say "Tell the one about the Foreign Legion captain and the camel, the taxidermist in the redneck bar, or the general and the motor pool." The titles of the jokes are descriptive, but designed to not give away the punch line of the joke.

Those reading solely for entertainment should make sure they take note of the joke rating notations explained at the beginning of each chapter. This way they are warned in advance that a joke may be racier or raunchier than they would like. Just as I do not want to offend my audience when telling a joke, I do not want to offend my readers by having them read a joke which might offend, shock, or embarrass them.

My collection of jokes started at a very young age. When I was just seven years old, my sixteen-year-old cousin would tell me jokes while we were riding the tractor together on his parents' farm in Michigan. He told me about the facts of life so I could understand the humor in the jokes. These "facts" were quickly validated, by watching the animals on the farm.

Since I had been exposed to a great number of more sophisticated jokes than my grade school companions, I became the one to tell jokes in the school yard. Because I was an army brat, and attended more schools than grades as I moved to new cities, states, and countries, I became the Johnny Appleseed of joke telling.

When I went to college my joke telling paid off in other ways. As long as I would tell jokes to my friends and classmates at the local college tavern, they would buy me beer. Since I was working my way through college, free beer was a great luxury as well as a vital part of the college experience.

Later, when I began teaching college courses, giving seminars, accepting speaking engagements, and serving as the MC at various functions, my jokes would often spice up otherwise dull subjects and events. Having a love of telling jokes and a very good memory, I retain the jokes and can still tell thousands from memory. My ability to do this is based on a trick I learned about public speaking. That trick is not to memorize the joke word for word, but to just remember the concept and the punch line and wing the rest. I also embellished my joke telling skills by adopting various accents and sound effects, which fit with the joke I was telling.

Whenever I told jokes in an informal setting, my companions would also share their favorite jokes and I would add those to my collection. Friends and relatives, who knew I was always looking for a new joke, emailed a great number of my jokes to me. As a result, my collection has grown so large that it takes nine volumes to tell them all. If you find a joke that is not included in my collection, please send it to me at teade@mac.com.

Although I have made up a few of the jokes in my collection, most of them are in the public domain. So, although the books are copyrighted, the jokes are not. Being an amateur cartoonist, I have also drawn all of the illustrations in the books and these are copyrighted as well.

All nine volumes of Terry's Joke Collection, as well as several other books I have authored, are available online from Barnes & Noble, the Apple iBookstore, Amazon.com, or directly from the publisher at smashwords.com (where I get a bigger royalty). Just go to any of those sites and search for "Terry Eade." 

# Chapter 1

# Barber & Beautician Jokes

#

Illustration by Terry Eade

Some of the jokes in this chapter may appear in other chapters. For example a joke about a mortician in a barber a shop may appear here and in the Funeral and Cemetery Jokes section. However, the jokes will have the same title in both chapters. The illustration above was drawn by the author and is protected by copyright.

The jokes have been annotated by an asterisk (*) for those which have language or content you may find offensive, a double asterisk (**) for those which are risque, and a triple asterisk (***) for those which may not be suitable for mixed company. Those jokes without annotation are more suitable for general audiences and usually more appropriate for speaking engagements. Viewer discretion is recommended.

# For a Close Shave

A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.

"I have just the thing," says the barber, taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum." The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech, "And what if I swallow it?"

"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does!"

# Just Checking

A guy sticks his head in the barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around the shop and says, "About two hours."

The guy leaves.

A few days later, the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I get a haircut?"

The barber looks around the shop full of customers and says, "About two hours."

The guy leaves.

A week later, the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around the shop an says, "About an hour-and-a-half."

The guy leaves again

The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes."

In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop laughing hysterically.

The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?"

Bill looked up and said, "To your house."

# Trip to Rome

A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber, who responded, "Why would anyone want to go there? Its crowded and dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking TWA," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"TWA!" exclaimed the barber. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at the downtown International Marriott."

"That dump! That's the worst hotel in Rome. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?"

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the barber. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it!"

A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut.

The barber asked him about his trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the man. "Not only were we on time in one of TWA's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28-year-old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel! Well, it was great! They'd just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it's the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the barber, "I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked in. As I knelt down he spoke a few words to me."

"What'd he say?"

He said, "Where'd you get the shitty haircut?"

# The Generous Barber

A priest walked into a barber shop in Washington, D.C. After he got his haircut, he asked how much it would be. The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the Lord." The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 prayer books and a thank you note from the priest in front of the door.

Later that day, a police officer came in and got his hair cut. He then asked how much it was. The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the community." The next morning, he came to work and there were a dozen donuts and a thank you note from the police officer.

Then, a Senator came in and got a haircut. When he was done he asked how much it was. The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the country." The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 Senators in front of the door.

# Shave and a Shine

A cowboy walked into a barber shop, sat on the barber's chair and said, "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine." The barber began to lather his face and sharpen the old straight edge while a woman with the biggest, firmest, most beautiful breasts that he had ever seen knelt down and began to shine his boots.

The cowboy said, "Young lady, you and I should go and spend some time in a hotel room."

She replied, "I'm married and my husband wouldn't like that.

The cowboy said, "Tell him you're working overtime and I'll pay you the difference."

She said, "You tell him. He is the one shaving you." 

# Blonde with Headphones

A blonde walked into a hairdresser's with a tape player and wearing a set of headphones. "I want a haircut but want to keep the headphones on during the haircut" said the blonde, "can you do that?" "Sure" said the hairdresser, "it will take a little longer and cost a bit more, but I think I can give you a good haircut under those conditions if you are willing to pay a bit more."

Three weeks later, the same blonde returned and asked for another haircut with the same condition, "Whatever you do ... don't touch the headphones" "No problem" said the hairdresser who went on to give her another good cut, considering the restraint.

Three weeks later, the same thing happened "and don't forget - don't touch the headphones" said the blonde. By this time, the blonde had become comfortable with the hairdresser and trusted her to do a good job, so she fell asleep during the haircut. Very curious to know what the blonde was listening to, which was so important or entertaining that she would not even give it up to get a haicut, the hairdresser gently removed the headphones and placed them on her own ears. What she heard was hard to believe, it was the same message over and over again... "breathe in... breathe out... breath in... breath out...

By the time the hairdresser realized what she had done, it was too late, the blonde was dead.

# Radical Haircut

Porky, a punk teenage boy continually challenges his conservative father by wanting to have his ears pierced or his hair cut or dyed in an unusual way. His Dad always adamantly refuses to buckle under to pressure and constant begging of his son.

One day, when they are at the barber shop to get their regular hair cuts, Porky asks, "Dad, would it be okay if I had S-T-U-D shaved into the back of my head?"

The father, shocked, thought it over and calmly replied, "Sure! But only if you have the barber add a -Y to the end of it."

# Wild Thing

The old man's regular barber had retired and so he had gone to one of the new chain, unisex hair styling salons to get his regular conservative haircut. Not only did they not have any of his favorite sports or car magazines, but most of the clientile were women and younger folks.

As the old man was sitting uncomfortably in the waiting area, reading a People Magazine, a young man pulled up outside in a custom chopper with loud pipes. After the young guy had parked his bike and taken off his leathers he walked in and sat down. The young guy had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, blue, and yellow.

The old man just stared.

The young man said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"

Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son."

# Spend All My Money **

While Frank was getting his hair cut, he was complaining to the barber about his financial problems. Frank says "Every time I cash my pay check my wife goes out and blows it on new clothes, no wonder we can't get ahead."

"I had the same problem," says the barber, "so one day I went to the tattoo parlor and asked to have a 100 dollar bill tattooed on my penis."

"How did that solve the problem?" says Frank.

"Then I went home," says the barber, "and told my wife that I had figured out how she could blow a hundred bucks any time she wanted, get ahead, and not have me bitching about it afterwords."

_** Risque_

# Blonde's New Cell Phone

A young man wanted to get his beautiful "blonde" wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decides to buy her a cell phone.

She is all excited, she loves her cell phone. He shows her and explains to her all the features on the phone. The next day the blonde goes shopping and then stops for a hair cut and a perm.

Her phone rings and it's her husband, "Hi hun,"he says "how do you like your new phone?"

She replies: "I just love, it's so small and your voice is clear as a bell! But there's one thing I don't understand though."

"What's that, baby?" asks the husband.

"How did you know I was at the beauty parlor?"

# Choosing a Barber

Two guys are sitting in a barber shop waiting for a haircut, while two barbers were toiling over the customers in their respective chairs.

"I've never been here before," said the first man, "do you have a recommendation on which barber is the best?"

"Well I've never been here before either," says the second man, "but I'm going to wait for the barber on the left."

"Why do you think he would be the better barber?" says the first man.

"Because he has the worse haircut," says the second man, "barbers always cut each others hair."

"Never thought about that before," says the first man, "but it makes sense."

"The same thing applies when choosing a psychiatrist in a clinic," says the second man, " always chose the one who appears to be the most disturbed."

# Hair on Your Twinkie *

A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. While her dad gets his hair cut, she stands right next to the barber chair, eating a Hostess snack cake.

The barber says to her, "You know, sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie."

"I know," she replies. "I'm gonna get tits too."

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Chapter 2

# Bedside Jokes

Illustration by Terry Eade

Some of the jokes in this chapter may appear in other chapters. For example a joke about a priest giving last rites may appear here and in the Religion & Clergy Jokes section. However, the jokes will have the same title in both chapters. The illustration above was drawn by the author and is protected by copyright.

The jokes have been annotated by an asterisk (*) for those which have language or content you may find offensive, a double asterisk (**) for those which are risque, and a triple asterisk (***) for those which may not be suitable for mixed company. Those jokes without annotation are more suitable for general audiences and usually more appropriate for speaking engagements. Viewer discretion is recommended.

# Whiskey on My Grave

There once were two Irishmen, named Shawn and Pat, who were the best of friends. During one particular night of revelry, the two agreed that when one passed on, the other would take and spill the contents of a bottle of fine, Irish whiskey over the grave of the fondly missed and recently dead friend.

And as fate would have it, Shawn would be the first to pass.

Pat, hearing of his friend's illness, came to visit his dear friend one last time.

"Shawn," said Pat, "can you hear me?"

Faintly, Shawn replied, "Yes, Paddy, I can."

Bashfully, Pat started, "Do you remember our pact, Shawn?"

"Yes, I do Patty," Shawn strained.

"And, you'll also remember that I was to pour the contents of a fine, old bottle of whiskey over your grave, which we have been saving for, going on 30 years now?" said Pat.

"Yes Patty, I do," whispered Shawn.

''It's a very 'old' bottle now, you know," urged Pat.

"And what are you gettin' at Pat?" asked Shawn, briskly.

"Well Shawn, when I pour the whiskey over your grave, would ya mind if I filter it through my kidneys first?"

# Dying for Some Lefse

Ole was on his death bed. But before he died, he wanted to have one last taste of lefse (potato crepe).

Even as weak as he was, he was able to crawl out of bed and go down the stairs to the kitchen. After about 20 minutes of agonizing pain he reached the kitchen. Opening the refrigerator door he slowly reached for the lefse.

He was just about to grab it when suddenly a hand came out from nowhere, slapped his hand, and a voice boomed out, "Ole, that's for the Funeral!

# The English Patient

An English guy was very ill and his son went to visit him in the hospital. Suddenly, the father began to breathe heavily and grabbed the pen and pad by the bed. With his last ounce of strength he wrote a note, dropped it, and died.

The son was so overcome with grief that he didn't remember slipping the note into his pocket. At the funeral, he reached into the pocket of his coat and immediately felt the note. He excitedly read it thinking it might be something he could recite during the service. It said:

YOU IDIOT -- GET OFF MY OXYGEN TUBE!!!

# Tell Me the Truth

A man lies on his deathbed surrounded by his family: a weeping wife and four children. Three of the children are tall, good-looking, and athletic; but the fourth and the youngest is an ugly runt.

"Darling wife", the husband whispers, "assure me that the youngest child really is mine. I want to know the truth before I die, I will forgive you if-"

The wife gently interrupts him. "Yes, my dearest, absolutely, no question, I swear on my mother's grave that you are his father."

The man dies, happy, and the wife mutters under her breath: "Thank God he didn't ask me about the other three."

# I'll Give it a Try **

A man is visiting his wife in the critical care unit of the hospital. She has been in a coma for almost a week and they have been doing everything they can to try and get her to respond and show some sign of mental activity. While the husband is straightening her covers he brushes against one of her breasts and notices that she moves and appears to have a slight smile. He then slips his hand inside her hospital gown and gently strokes her nipple. Again she responds. The man is very excited and locates her doctor and relays the incident.

"We never considered exposing her to sexual stimulus," says the doctor. This could be a breakthrough. Did you and your wife ever have oral sex."

"Yes," says the man, "why do you ask?"

"Well," says the doctor, "if we give you some privacy would you be willing to give that a try and see if you could get her to respond even more."

After about fifteen minutes behind the drape with his wife, the man comes out and is visibly shaken and almost in shock.

"Did she respond?" asks the doctor.

"No," says the man, "I think she's dead"

"Oh my god," says the doctor, "what happened?"

"I think she chocked to death," says the man.

_** Risque_

# One More Time

Morris returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live. Given the prognosis, Morris asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, so they make love.

About 6 hrs later, Morris goes to his wife and says, "Honey, you know I now have only 18 hrs to live. Could we please do it one more time?" Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.

Later, as the Morris gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hrs left. He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, "Honey, please...just one more time before I die." She says, "Of course, Dear," and they make love for the third time.

After this session, the wife rolls over and falls to sleep. Morris, however, worried about his impending, tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses. "Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could..."

At this point the wife sits up and says, "Listen Morris, I have to get up in the morning.....you don't."

# There by My Side

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?"

What dear?" She asked gently.

"I think you bring me bad luck."

# Deathbed Confession

Becky was on her deathbed with her husband, John, maintaining a steady vigil by her side. As he held her fragile hand, his warm tears ran silently down his face, splashed onto her face, and roused her from her slumber. She looked up and her pale lips began to move slightly. "My darling John," she whispered.

"Hush, my love," he said. "Go back to sleep. Shhh. Don't talk."

But she was insistent. "John," she said in her tired voice. "I have to talk. I have something I must confess to you."

"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping John. "It's all right.

Everything's all right, go to sleep now."

"No, no. I must die in peace, John. I slept with your brother, your best friend and your father."

John mustered a pained smile and stroked her hand. "Hush now Becky, don't torment yourself. I know all about it." he said, "Why do you think I poisoned you?"

# Goodbye Old Friends **

There is an elderly, blind Russian man in a mental hospital that thinks he will die. So he asks the beautiful nurse to accomplish his last wish.

"Nurse," he says, "I want to kiss the head of Nikita Krustchov."

"Nikita Krustchov? But he is dead for a long time," says the nurse.

"I don't care. I want to kiss his head," the man says. "This is my last wish!"

The nurse doesn't know what to do. Then she thinks of something. Since the old man is blind, the nurse takes out of her bra her beautiful breast and offers it to the man. He holds it, caresses it, and is very moved.

"Oh my dear Nikita, my old friend! How happy I am to see you again!" he says.

He keeps kissing the breast. The nurse begins enjoying the whole situation.

"What about kissing president Eisenhower's head?" she asks.

"Yes! Is he here too?" the man asks.

"Of course he is here," she says, and offers him her other breast.

"Oh my dear president, how happy I am to see you here," says the man kissing Eisenhower again and again.

The nurse likes all that very much, so she asks the man again, "What about Fidel Castro?"

_** Risque_

# Walking the Patient

An old fellow came into the hospital truly on death's door due to an infected gallbladder. The surgeon who removed the gallbladder was adamant that his patients be up and walking in the hall the day after surgery, to help prevent blood clots forming in the leg veins. The nurses walked the patient in the hall as ordered, and after the third day the nurse told how he complained bitterly each time they did. The surgeon told them to keep walking him.

After a week, the patient was ready to go. His family came to pick him up and thanked the surgeon profusely for what he had done for their father. The surgeon was pleased and appreciated the thanks, but told them that it was really a simple operation and we had been lucky to get him in time. "But doctor, you don't understand," they said, "Dad hasn't walked in over a year!" 

# Trustworthy Professionals

A dying man gathered his lawyer, doctor and clergyman at his bed side and handed each of them an envelope containing $25,000 in cash. He made them each promise that after his death and during his repose, they would place the three envelops in his coffin. He told them that he wanted to have enough money to enjoy the next life. A week later the man died. At the wake, the lawyer and doctor and cergyman, each concealed an envelop in the coffin and bid their old client and friend farewell.

By chance, these three met several months later. Soon the clergyman, feeling guilty, blurted out a confession saying that there was only $10,000 in the envelop he placed in the coffin. He felt, rather than waste all the money, he would send it to a mission in South America. He asked for their forgiveness.

The doctor, moved by the gentle clergyman's sincerity, confessed that he too had kept some of the money for a worthy medical charity. The envelop, he admitted, had only $8000 in it. He said, he too could not bring himself to waste the money so frivolously when it could be used to benefit others.

By this time the lawyer was seething with self-righteous outrage. He expressed his deep disappointment in the felonious behavior of two of his oldest and most trusted friends. I am the only one who kept his promise to our dying friend. I want you both to know that the envelop I placed in the coffin contained the full amount. Indeed, my envelope contained my personal check for the entire $25,000.

# Law Partners

A lawyer named Fred lies dying, his partner of 40 years by his bedside. "Jack, I've got to confess. I've been sleeping with your wife for 30 years and I'm the father of your daughter, Hillary. On top of that, I've been stealing from the firm for a decade and I'm leaving my entire estate to your wife, so she will finally be able to leave you. I should feel guilty about all those things, but you are such a duffus you would probably never be able to figure it out."

"Well," says Jack, "I'm not quite the duffus you think I am Fred. I know all about the things you have just told me. I have also been stealing from the company and I have altered the books so that all of the losses will be blamed on you. As the wounded party I will make a claim which will wipe out your entire estate.

I will then take all your money, plus all the money I've been stealing, and buy a villa in the South of France for your grieving widow and myself. Bye the way, I've been having an affair with your wife for the past twenty years and that is why she replaced your heart medication with sugar pills."

# Accountant and the Lawyer

After dozens of very expensive tests and weeks of hospitalization, the rich old man was told he had only 24 hours to live.

He immediately called his accountant and his lawyer to his room. He asked the accountant to stand by one side of his bed and his lawyer to stand by the other.

After standing for some time, the accountant asked "What do you want me to do?"

"Nothing, said the sick man, "just stand there."

A while later, the lawyer asked "What do you want me to do?"

"Nothing, said the sick man, "just stand there."

As the hours wore on, the accountant and the lawyer watched the man weaken. When his time had almost arrived, the accountant and the lawyer again asked "Why are we standing here?"

"Well," said the old man, "Christ died between two thieves, so I thought I'd do the same!

# First Things First

An East Indian man named Raju was involved in a car accident. At the hospital, when he awoke, he called for the nurse to tell him what had happened to him.

"I'm very sorry, sir, but you were involved in a very bad car crash."

"Car crash! My Porsche! my Porsche! is my car all right?" he asked hysterically.

"Sir, your car was destroyed, but that is the least of your worries. You lost your left arm in the crash, and we were unable to save it," she said apologetically.

"I lost my arm? My Rolex! My Rolex!"

"Sir, please calm down. That is the least of your worries. You are in a very critical condition, but all your family are here to see you." He asked for his family to be called in. As they gathered around the bed, he called for each of them by name.

"Pushpa, are you here?"

"I am here husband, and I will never leave you."

"Dilip, are you here?"

"I am here father, and I will never leave you."

"Anil, are you here?"

"I am here father, and I will never leave you."

"Priya, my child, are you here?"

"I am here father, and I will never leave you."

"Well," said Raju thoughtfully, "if Pushpa, Dilip, Anil and Priya are here, if all of you are here...

...who the hell is looking after the shop?!"

# Were You Faithful?

An elderly man was on his deathbed and he called his wife to his side. "Before I die, I need to know if you have been faithful to me during our long marriage."

"I have to be honest with you dear," says the wife, "there were three times during our marriage that I was not faithful to you."

"I'm shocked," says the husband, "I thought you loved me."

"I do love you," says the wife, "I would like to explain the circumstances to you and ask for your forgiveness."

"Go ahead," says the husband.

"Do you remember when you were laid off at the plant, the kids were sick, and the landlord was going to evict us from our house?"

"Yes," says the husband, "I remember that."

"Well," says the wife, "since I knew we would be thrown out in the snow in the middle of December with no money and no place to go, I slept with the landlord and he let us stay in the house."

"Well," says the husband, "I can see that you had the best interest of the family at heart, and I forgive you for that."

"Do you remember when you were diagnosed with that dangerous heart condition and you needed the operation and we didn't have any health insurance nor the money for the operation."

"Yes," says the husband, "I remember that well."

Well I slept with the surgeon and he performed the operation without a fee, and paid for the hospital expenses as well."

"OK," says the husband, "I can see that you were thinking of me and you did save my life, so I forgive you for that too."

"Then after we retired," says the wife, "do you rember that you wanted to become the president of the Men's Club at the golf course and you were sixty-two votes short?"

# The Shoe Box

As a new bride, Aunt Edna moved into the small home on her husband's ranch near Snowflake. She put a shoe box on a shelf in her closet and asked her husband never to touch it.

For 50 years Uncle Jack left the box alone, until Aunt Edna was old and dying. One day when he was putting their affairs in order, he found the box again and thought it might hold something important. Opening it, he found two doilies and $82,500 in cash. He took the box to her and asked about the contents.

"My mother gave me that box the day we married," she explained. "She told me to make a doily to help ease my frustrations every time I got mad at you."

Uncle Jack was very touched that in 50 years she'd only been mad at him twice.

"What's the $82,500 for?" he asked.

"Oh, that's the money I made selling the doilies."

# Renounce Satan

Father Murphy was ministering to a man on his deathbed. "Renounce Satan!" yelled Father Sullivan.

"No!," said the dying man.

"I say, renounce the devil and his works!"

"No way!," the man repeats.

"And why, in the name of all that is holy, not?" asks Father Murphy.

"Because," said the dying man... "I want to wait until I see where I'm heading before I start pissing anyone off!"

# One Final Debt

A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, "Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die you will have my remains cremated."

"And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with your ashes?"

The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service and write on the envelope, "Now you have everything."

# You're Beautiful

There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side.

His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful!" and then he fell asleep again.

His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said "You're cute!"

Well, the wife was dissapointed because instead of "beautiful" it was "cute."

She said "What happened to 'beautiful'?"

His reply was "The drugs are wearing off!"

# Chapter 3

# Blind & Deaf Jokes

Illustration by Terry Eade

Some of the jokes in this chapter may appear in other chapters. For example a joke about a deaf genie may appear here and in the Genie & Magic Jokes section. However, the jokes will have the same title in both chapters. The illustration above was drawn by the author and is protected by copyright.

The jokes have been annotated by an asterisk (*) for those which have language or content you may find offensive, a double asterisk (**) for those which are risque, and a triple asterisk (***) for those which may not be suitable for mixed company. Those jokes without annotation are more suitable for general audiences and usually more appropriate for speaking engagements. Viewer discretion is recommended.

# Blind Man and the Nun

A nun in the convent walked into the bathroom where mother superior was taking a shower. "There is a blind man to see you," she says. "Well, if he is a blind man, then it does not matter if I'm in the shower. Send him in."

The blind man walks into the bathroom, and mother superior starts to tell him how much she appreciates him working at the convent for them. She goes on and on and 10 minutes later the man interrupts: "That's nice and all, ma'am, but you can put your clothes on now. Where do you want me to put these blinds?

# Horse for Sale

An old farmer is outside for a walk around his land when he sees a sign on his neighbor's fence: "Horse for Sale." Curious, he decides to have a look at the horse. As he approaches his neighbor's stable, he sees his old Italian friend brushing down a fine looking stallion.

"Hello friend, I saw your sign out there and came over to see your horse that's for sale."

Now, the Italian farmer speaks very poor English, but manages to answer well enough. "Yep, yep, disa is da horse for-a sale."

"This horse here?" quizzes the old farmer, "Why he's a fine horse! Why everwould you sell him?"

"Well," sighs the Italian farmer, "He no looka so good anymore."

The old farmer, convinced that his neighbor has lost his mind, quickly buys the horse and leads it across his field over to his own stable. As he taps the horse gently on the back to coax him into the stable, he watches as the horse misses the door completely and smacks head first into the wall.

"That ol' cheat sold me a near blind horse!" growls the old farmer. He then storms across the field, reigns in hand, to give his neighbor a piece of his mind. "You sold me a near blind horse you ol' cheat and you didn't even tell me!" he screams.

"Eh! I tolla you!" cries the Italian farmer, "I say, 'he no looka so good anymore!'"

# Failing Eyesight

"How was your golf game, dear?" asked Jack's wife Tracy.

"Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't see where the ball went."

"But you're 75-years-old, Jack!" admonished his wife, "Why don't you take my brother Scott along?"

"But he's 85 and doesn't even play golf anymore," protested Jack.

"He's got perfect eyesight. He could watch your ball," Tracy pointed out.

The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung, and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway. "Do you see it?" asked Jack.

"Yup," Scott answered.

"Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.

"I forgot."

# Flying Blind

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated waiting for the pilot to show up so they can get under way.

The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind; the pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle. The copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with sunglasses.

At first, the passengers do not react thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. After a few minutes though, the engines start revving, and the airplane begins moving down the runway.

The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness. They start whispering among themselves and look desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.

Yet, the plane starts accelerating rapidly, and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical.

When the plane has less than twenty feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once. At the very last moment, the plane lifts off and is airborne.

Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and tells the pilot: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we aren't going to know when to take off!"

# Blind Skydiver

A blind man was describing his favorite sport - parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: "I am placed in the door and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go."

"But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked.

"I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground," he answered.

But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" he was again asked.

He quickly answered "Oh, the dog's leash goes slack."

# Genie with a Hearing Problem *

This guy walks up to a bar with a foot tall man on his shoulder. Upon noticing an old piano in the corner, the foot tall man jumps down and runs over to the piano producing the most beautiful music ever produced on it.

The bartender walks over to the gentleman at the bar and says, "That's incredible, where did you get him?"

This guy puts this lamp on the bar and says, "I got one wish for releasing the genie in the bottle."

"Do you mind if I try?" asks the bartender

"No, be my guest!"

So the bartender releases the genie and gets one wish. "I wish for a million bucks!" And instantly the bar is filled with a million ducks quacking, crapping, and flapping around the bar.

The bartender says: "Hey, this doesn't work right!"

The man replies: "No kidding, do you think I really wished for a 12" pianist?"

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Seeing Eye Dog

The airliner was making a forty-five minute stop over at an intermediate airport. The stewardess announced that any passengers who were continuing on the flight we welcome to get off the aircraft and then reboard when the flight was ready to takeoff.

As the pilot was leaving the plane he noticed a blind man who was seated in the first row with his seeing eye dog. The pilot asked if the man would like to get off the aricraft and stretch his legs, since the delay was going to be almost an hour.

"No I'm just fine", the man replied, "but if you could take my dog for a short walk around the airport I would appreciate it very much."

As the pilot emerged from the skyway with the seeing eye dog and his dark sunglasses all the passengers waiting to board the plane couldn't believe their eyes and went scurying to change their flight.

# Blind Man's Bluff

Two guys are out walking their dogs on a Saturday afternoon. After a while Tom says to Dave "wouldn't a beer taste good right about now?"

To which, of course, Dave responds, "Yeah, it would be good, but we've got the dogs with us"

Tom thinks for a minute & says "Follow me". He puts on his sunglasses & walks into the bar. The bartender stops him and says "Hey pal, you can't come in here with that dog!"

Tom replies "This is my seeing eye dog!" The bartender says "A doberman?!" Tom says "Yeah, they're great---they protect you & help you get around"

The bartender tells him to sit down & relax.

Seeing that Tom was successful at getting into the bar, Dave puts his sun glasses on and comes into the bar with his dog.

The bartender stops him "Hey pal, you can't bring your dog in here"

Dave replies "This is my seeing eye dog"

The bartender says "A chihuahua?!!" and starts laughing.

Dave replied "Oh man, they gave me a friggin' chihuahua?!!"

# Burglary Investigation

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a blind policeman."

# Blind Golfers

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning at the third tee while a particularly slow group of golfers were flailing away ahead of them.

Engineer: "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"

Doctor: "I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude!"

Priest: "Hey, here comes the marshal. Let's have a word with him."

Priest: "Hi George. Say George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow aren't they?"

George: "Oh yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight while saving our club house last year. So we let them play here anytime free of charge."

Doctor: "Wow! Thanks for the scoop, George."

Priest: "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

Doctor: "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."

After a short pause ...

Engineer: "Why can't these guys play at night?"

# Can You Hear Me Now?

An old man goes to his doctor and says, "I don't think my wife's hearing is as good as it used to be, what should I do?"

The doctor replies, "Try this test to find out for sure. When your wife is in the kitchen doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a question. If she doesn't respond keep moving closer, asking the question until she hears you."

The man goes home and sees his wife preparing dinner. He stands fifteen feet behind her and says, "What's for dinner, honey?" No reponse. He moves to ten feet behind her and asks again, no response. Five feet, no answer.

Finally he stands directly behind her and says, "Honey, what's for supper?"

She says, "For the fourth time, I said chicken!"

# Blind Man in the Bank

A blind man walked into a bank with his seeing-eye dog that guided him everywhere. He walked into the center of the bank floor, took the dog by the chain, and started swinging him around his head.

Everyone stopped what they were doing and stared. The other customers were taken aback and some were very upset at the way the animal was being treated. One of the tellers ran up to the blind man and asked, "Sir, what are you doing!?!"

The man turned toward the teller and said, "Oh, nothing - just looking around."

# Goodbye Old Friends **

There is an elderly, blind Russian man in a mental hospital that thinks he will die. So he asks the beautiful nurse to accomplish his last wish.

"Nurse," he says, "I want to kiss the head of Nikita Krustchov."

"Nikita Krustchov? But he is dead for a long time," says the nurse.

"I don't care. I want to kiss his head," the man says. "This is my last wish!"

The nurse doesn't know what to do. Then she thinks of something. Since the old man is blind, the nurse takes out of her bra her beautiful breast and offers it to the man. He holds it, caresses it, and is very moved.

"Oh my dear Nikita, my old friend! How happy I am to see you again!" he says.

He keeps kissing the breast. The nurse begins enjoying the whole situation.

"What about kissing president Eisenhower's head?" she asks.

"Yes! Is he here too?" the man asks.

"Of course he is here," she says, and offers him her other breast.

"Oh my dear president, how happy I am to see you here," says the man kissing Eisenhower again and again.

The nurse likes all that very much, so she asks the man again, "What about Fidel Castro?"

_** Risque_

# No Menu Please **

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu. "I'm sorry, Sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer, I'll smell it and order from there." A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty pile and picks up a greasy fork. he returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.

"Ah, yes, that's what I'll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes."

Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife and he tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves.

Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakingly brings him a menu again. "Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man." "I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork." The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man. After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great, I'll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli." Once again walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him. The blind man eats and leaves.

He returns the following week, but this time the owner see's him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, "Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man." Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting. "Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you." The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says, "Hey, I didn't know that Mary worked here?"

_** Risque_

# Fishing Gear

A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. A sales clerk is standing there with dark shades on.

She says, "Excuse me sir... can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Ma'am I'm completely blind, but if you'll drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes."

She didn't believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway.

He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with Zebco 404 reel And 10-pound test line...It's a good all around combination and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."

She says, "That's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter; I'll take it."

The woman opens her purse and sees her credit card holder drop on the floor. As she bends down to pick it up she accidentally passes gas. At first she is really embarrassed, but then concludes there is no way he could tell it was her that farted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.

The sales clerk rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 plus tax."

The woman is totally confused by this and says, "Didn't you tell me it was on special for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"

He replies,"Yes Ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00; but the duck call is $11.00 and the catfish bait is $3.50.

# Bad Guide Dog

A blind man was seen waiting at a street corner with his guide dog. After a short wait the dog started leading the blind man across the street against the red light.

First a car comes screeching to a halt inches away from him, but still the dog leads on, then a bicyclist almost wipes them out and curses as he goes by. Finally in the last lane a truck swerves and barely misses them.

After they reach the far corner the blind man reaches in his pocket and pulls out a cookie and offers it to the guide dog. At this point another person who has watched the entire episode interrupts asking why he was rewarding the dog after the dog had endangered his life and almost got him run over by a car, bicycle and truck.

The blind man responded: "I'm not rewarding him, I'm just trying to find out which end is his head so I can kick him in the ass."

# Blind Carpenter *

A blind carpenter walks into a lumber mill and shouts out, "I am a blind carpenter and I need a job."

The foreman walks over to the blind carpenter and says, "If you're blind, how can you work in a lumber yard?"

The blind carpenter says, "I can tell any piece of lumber by it's smell."

The foreman says "O.K. I'll give you a test and if you pass the test, you've got a job."

The foreman takes the carpenter over to a table and says, "I will put some lumber on a table in front of you and you tell me what it is."

The foreman then puts a piece of lumber on the table and says, "Ready!"

The carpenter bends over and takes a deep sniff moving his head from one side to the other. He says "That's a number two pine, two by four, eight foot long."

The foreman says, "Duh! That's right, but pine is easy to tell by the smell and I think you guessed the rest. Here's another piece of lumber for you to identify."

The foreman puts a piece of lumber on the table and says, "Ready!"

The blind carpenter bends over and takes a deep sniff moving his head from one side to the other and says, "This is a tough one, please turn it over so I can smell the other side."

The foreman does this and says "Ready!"

The carpenter takes another deep sniff moving his head from side to side. He then says, "That's a clear heart red wood, four by four, six foot long."

The foreman is amazed and says "That's right, but I still think you're just lucky and still guessing. Let me try one more time and if you get it right you got a job."

The foreman then goes into the office and asks his secretary to help him stump the blind carpenter by taking off all of her clothes and laying down on the table. She takes off her clothes walks out of the office and lays face down on the table. The foreman says, "Ready!"

The blind carpenter takes a deep sniff moving his head from side to side. He looks puzzled and takes another sniff and says, "This also is a tough one, please turn it over so I can smell the other side."

The foreman gestures with his hand to the secretary, she rolls over, and the foreman says, "Ready!"

The blind carpenter moves his head from side to side again looking puzzled. He sniffs one more time, looks surprised, and says, "I got it. That's a shit house door off a tuna boat."

He got the job.

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# You're in Texas Son

There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!" The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas."

When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!" The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas."

After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right." The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident.

Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, "Don't flush, don't flush!"

# Blind Soccer Team

A teacher at a school for blind kids is taking his school's soccer team to an "away game". They stop for a rest break, and to let the kids work off some energy with a little impromptu practice in a nearby pasture. The teacher is sitting in a nearby diner, explaining to another patron how it is that blind kids can play soccer.

"We made a special ball, with a bell in it, so the kids can keep track of where the ball is and what it's doing by listening for it. They're pretty good at it too."

"Very clever!" remarks the other patron.

Just then they are interrupted as another patron, who is looking out the window, says, "Hey! Are you the guy with those damn blind kids from the bus?"

"Yes," says the teacher, stung by the way "his" kids are being refered to, "what about it? You got something against blind kids?"

"Nothing, ordinarily," says the guy, still scowling out the window, "but you better get them rounded up quick! They're kicking the hell out of my best milk cow!"

# High Stakes Game

Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar.

Woods turns to Wonder and says, "How is the singing career going?"

Stevie Wonder replies: "Not too bad! How's the golf?"

Woods replies: "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that straightened out now."

Stevie Wonder says: "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right."

And Woods says: "But, you're blind. How can you play golf if you're blind?"

Wonder replies: "I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice."

"But, how do you putt?", asks Woods.

"Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice."

Woods says to Stevie: "We've got to play a round sometime."

Wonder replies: "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole."

Woods thinks about it and says, "OK, I'm game for that, when would you like to play?"

Stevie says, "Pick a night."

# I Can't Thank You Enough

A man who lived in a block of senior citizen apartments thought it was raining and put his hand out the window to check. As he did so a glass eye fell into his hand.

He looked up to see where it came from in time to see an attractive older woman looking down.

"Is this yours?" he asked.

She said, "Yes, could you bring it up?" and the man agreed.

On arrival she was profuse in her thanks and offered the man a drink. As she was very attractive he agreed. Shortly afterwards she said, "I'm about to have dinner. There's plenty. Would you like to join me?"

He readily accepted her offer and both enjoyed a lovely meal. As the evening was drawing to a close the lady said, "I've had a marvelous evening. Would you like to stay the night?"

The man hesitated then said, "Do you act like this with every man you meet?"

"No," she replied, "Only those who catch my eye."

# So That's What Happened

An older couple were going across the country by car. They stopped at a gas station and he got out to fill the tank. The Mrs. got out to go to the washroom, but he didn't see her leave the car. He paid for the gas and then drove off, leaving his wife at the gas station.

His wife came out of the washroom and discovered that her husband had driven off. She waited for a while as she expected him to come back, but after 1/2 hour she went to the cashier and explained the situation.

The cashier called the highway patrol and they dispatched a car after him.

The patrol car caught up with him, sounded the siren and the man pulled off the road.

The officer went to the man's car and told him that he had driven off without his wife and that she was still back at the gas station.

"Thank goodness", replied the man, "I thought that I had gone deaf."

# New Hearing Aid

John: I got this great new hearing aid the other day.

Mary: Are you wearing it now?

John: Yup. Cost me four thousand dollars, though. But it's top of the line.

Mary: What kind is it?

John: Twelve-thirty.

# Valuable Information

Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!

# Something in Your Ear

Two elderly men were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning.

Ed noticed something funny about Joe's ear. He said, "Joe did you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?"

"I have!? A suppository?"

He pulled it out and stared at it. Then he said, "Ed, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is."

# Making Your Prayers Count

Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents the week before Christmas. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs.

"I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE..... I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO..... I PRAY FOR A NEW VCR..."

His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf."

To which the little brother replied, "No, but Grandma is!"

# May I Play Through?

A guy about to tee off was approached by a man who held out a card that read, "I am a deaf mute. May I please play through?"

The first man gave the card back, angrily shaking his head, and saying, "No, you CANNOT play through." He assumed the guy read lips so he mouthed, "I can't believe you would try to use your handicap to your own advantage like that! Shame on you!"

The deaf man walked away and the first man whacked the ball onto the green and then walked off to finish the hole.

Just as he was about to put the ball into the hole he was hit in the head with a golf ball that knocked him out cold.

When he came to a few minutes later, he looked around and saw the deaf mute sternly looking at him, one hand on his hip, the other hand holding up four fingers.

# Old Couple and the Cop

An elderly couple were driving across the country. The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol.

The officer said, "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?"

The woman, hard of hearing, turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"

The old man yells, "He says you were speeding!"

The patrolman says, "May I see your license?"

The woman turns to her husband and asks again, "What did he say?"

The old man yells, "He wants to see your license!"

The woman gave the officer her license.

The patrolman says, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen."

The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"

And the old man yells, "He said he knows you!"

# Guess My Age

A woman decided to have a face lift for her birthday. She spent $5000 and felt really good about the result. On her way home she stopped at a dress shop to look around. As she was leaving, she said to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 35," was the reply.

"I'm actually 47," the woman said, feeling really happy.

After that she went into McDonalds for lunch, and asked the order taker the same question, to which the reply was, "Oh you look about 29?"

"I am actually 47." That made her feel really good.

While standing at the bus stop she asked an old man the same question.

He replied, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a woman's age. If I put my hand up your skirt I will be able to tell your exact age."

As there was no one around, the woman thought, "What the hell", and let him slip his hand up her skirt.

After feeling around for a while, the old man said, "Ok, You are 47."

Stunned the woman said, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?"

The old man replied, "I was behind you in line at McDonalds!"

# Great Cruise *

There was an elderly couple that was on their way for a two week vacation on a carribean cruise. The wife, unfortunately, forgot her hearing aides at home...

Upon arriving to the cabin that was to be theirs during the trip, they noticed that it had 2 bunk beds. So, as they were retiring for the first nite, the husband says to his wife, "Up, or down?". The wife inexplicably removes all her clothing and makes love to her husband all nite long.

The next nite, the husband wonders if he'll get lucky again... So, he says to his wife, "Up, or down?" She again removes all her clothing and makes love to him all nite long.

This continues for two glorious weeks.

When they arrive home from their trip, the wife retrieves her hearing aides. As they retire for the first nite home, the husband decides to try the magic words again... "Up, or down?" His wife says, "What?".

To which he replies, "During the whole trip, my dear, I said those words every nite and you took off all your clothes and made love to me all nite long."

The wife says, "Ooooh, I thought you said 'Fuck, or drown !".

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Another Stained Dress **

Monica needed to get one of her dresses cleaned so she takes it to the dry cleaners. The man working there was an elderly man and was hard of hearing.

Monica said,"I need this dress cleaned."

The man said, "Come again?"

Monica replied, "No, it's just mayonaise."

_** Risque_

# Not Without a Condom

A couple of deaf teenagers are parked up at lookout point. They engage in some necking and then heavy petting. Then the boy wants to go all the way. The girl stops him before he can get that far and in sign language tells him that she is not going all the way unless he uses a condom. Since he doesn't have any condoms, they drive back into town and he pulls up to an all night drug store.

After about ten minutes the boy returns to the car and tells the girl that he can't seem to get the night clerk to understand what he wants and since the condoms are under the counter he can't show him either. So again he pleads with the girl to reconsider. She still refuses to have sex without a condom, so the boy goes back into the drug store.

Fifteen minutes later the boy returns to the car in utter frustration, starts the car and in sign language tells the girl he is taking her home.

"What's wrong," asks the girl in sign language.

"I've given up," says the boy in sign language " I tried everything I could think of to convey what I wanted, and then finally in frustration I slammed a five dollar bill on the counter, unzipped my fly , laid my penis on the counter and then pointed at the five dollar bill and then at my penis."

"Then what happened," asked the girl in sign language."

"Then the clerk plunked five dollars down on the counter, unzipped his fly, laid his penis on the counter and since his penis was bigger than mine he took the ten dollars and put it in his pocket," responded the boy in sign language.

# Newlywed Signals

Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights (because they can't see each other using sign language, natch).

After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife proposes a solution. "Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time."

The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea! Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time."

"And if you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis......fifty times"

# Deaf Society Speech *

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are all to give speaches to the Deaf Society. All are keen to make an impression on their audience.

The Englishman goes first and to the surprise of his colleagues starts by rubbing first his chest and then his groin. When he finishes the Scotsman and Irishman ask him what he was doing.

Well" he explained" By rubbing my chest I indicated breasts and thus Ladies and by rubbing my groin I indicated balls and thus Gentlemen. So my speech started Ladies and Gentlemen".

On his way up to the podium the Scotsman thought to himself I'll go one better than that English bastard and started his speech by making an antler symbol with his fingers above his head before also rubbing his chest and his groin.

When he finished his colleagues asked what he was doing. "Well" he explained" By imitating antlers and then rubbing my chest and groin I was starting my speech by saying Dear Ladies and Gentlemen".

On his way up to the podium the Irishman thought to himself I'll go one further than those mainland bastards and started his speech by making an antler symbol above his head, rubbing his chest, and then his groin, and then masturbating furiously.

When he finished his colleagues asked him what he was doing. "Well" he explained," by imitating antlers, rubbing my chest and then my groin and then masturbating I was starting my speech by saying Dear Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure......."

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# A Really Tough Sale

A man who isn't qualified keeps pestering the owner of a men's clothing store about giving him a job selling suits. Finally, the owner tells him if he can sell this one green suit he will give him a job.

Another employee points out to owner that they have had that suit on the rack for four years, and that it is such an ugly, green suit that nobody would ever buy it.

The owner replies, "Yah, I know. That's my way of getting rid of that pest!"

Two hours later the new guy calls his boss for his next assignment. The owner cannot believe it and heads down to the store to see how this fellow did it. Upon arrival he sees his new salesman bleeding, scratched, and his clothes torn in several places, but smiling.

"Congratulations, the job is yours! Nobody has come close to selling that old, ugly, green suit. But tell me, what in the world happened to you?"

"Well," replied the new salesman, "the guy that bought the suit loved it... said it fit him great."

"Then where did you get all those cuts and scratches?" Asked the owner.

"Well apparently his seeing-eye dog was not too happy about walking around with someone in an ugly green suit," said the new salesman

# Three Old Golfers

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day.

One remarded to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"

"No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday."

And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."

# Blind Men and an Elephant

Once upon a time, there were five blind men who had the opportunity to experience an elephant for the first time. The first approached the elephant and, upon encountering one of its sturdy legs, stated, "Ah, an elephant is like a tree." The second, after exploring the trunk, said, "No, an elephant is like a strong hose." The third, grasping the tail, said, "Fool! An elephant is like a rope!" The fourth, playing with an ear, stated, "No, more like a fan." And the fifth, leaning against the animal's side, said, "An elephant is like a wall." The five then began to argue loudly about who had the more accurate perception of the elephant.

The elephant, tiring of all this abuse, suddenly reared up and stomped on all of the men. He continued to trample them until they were nothing but bloody lumps of flesh. Walking away, the elephant said, "It just goes to show that you can't depend on first impressions. When I first saw them I didn't think they'd be any fun at all."

# Forgot My Room Number

A deaf couple checks into a motel very late at night. Upon moving into their assigned room, they go to bed. But in the middle of the night, the woman has a headache, so she goes into the bathroom for aspirin. But she finds none, and remembers that the bottle of aspirin is still in the car.

Afraid to go out alone at night, she awakens her husband and asks him to go get the aspirin from the car. The very groggy husband puts on his robe and toddles wearily outside. He finds the bottle of the aspirin in the car's glove compartment, and gets ready to go back to the room when he realizes something: he can't remember which room was his!

He thinks and thinks and then gets an idea. He opens the car again and honks the steering wheel horn several times. Within a minute, all the motel's windows lighten up--except one window, and of course, he makes for the room with that window.

# Deaf Men in the Bar

A man was sitting in a bar and noticed a group of people using sign language. He also noticed that the bartender was using sign language to speak to them.

When the bartender returned to him, the man asked how he had learned to use sign language. The bartender explained that these were regular customers and had taught him to speak in sign.

The man thought that was great.

A few minutes later the man noticed that the people in the group were waving their hands around very wildly.

The bartender looked over and signed "Now cut that out! I warned you!" and threw the group out of the bar.

The man asked why he had done that and the bartender said, "If I told them once I told them 100 times - NO SINGING IN THE BAR!" 

# Chapter 4

# Blonde Jokes

Illustration by Terry Eade

Some of the jokes in this chapter may appear in other chapters. For example a joke about a blonde maid may appear here and in the Domestic Staff Jokes section. However, the jokes will have the same title in both chapters. The illustration above was drawn by the author and is protected by copyright.

The jokes have been annotated by an asterisk (*) for those which have language or content you may find offensive, a double asterisk (**) for those which are risque, and a triple asterisk (***) for those which may not be suitable for mixed company. Those jokes without annotation are more suitable for general audiences and usually more appropriate for speaking engagements. Viewer discretion is recommended.

# Blonde in a Speeding Car

A blonde and a brunet were driving down the highway in the brunets new car. As they rounded the corner the brunet noticed a white state patrol car parked just off the highway on a gravel side road. Concerned about the speed she was going and the possibility she had been picked up by radar, she watched carfully in the rear view mirror to see if she was being followed. Although she could see a white car in the rear view mirror the image was so small she couldn't make out if it was a police car. After slowing down to the posted speed limit she turned to her blonde companion and asked her to look out the back window and see if the white car was in fact a police car.

The blonde then asked how she could tell if it was a police car. The brunet said if it was a police car it would have a red light on top. Then she asked again, is it a police car? The blonde replied, yes... no.. yes... no... yes... no.

# Blonde on a Flight to New York

A very pretty blonde is boarding a plane bound for New York. As she enters the plane and is greeted by the stewardess, she says "I'm blonde, beautiful and going to New York."The stewardess looks at her ticket and says "That's very nice, your seat is in the coach section, proceed to the back of the plane."

The blonde sees an empty seat in First Class and proceeds to sit in the seat. The stewardess comes over and informs her that her the seat is taken and because the plane is completely booked, she must proceed to her assigned seat. The blonde replies "I'm blonde, beautiful and going to New York and I am not going to move".

The stewardess tells the blonde a second time that the flight is completely booked, her seat is in the coach section, she did not pay for or get assigned that seat and she will have to proceed to her assign seat. The blonde looks at her and says "I'm blonde, beautiful and going to New York and I am not going to move".

The stewardess seeing that she is at an stalemate, goes to the captain and informs him of the problem. The captain tells her not to worry, he is married to a blonde, and knows how to handle the situation. He proceeds towards the blonde and informs her that her seat is in the coach section, she did not pay for or get assigned that seat and she will have to proceed to her assigned seat. The blonde looks at him and says "I'm blonde, beautiful and going to New York, and I am not going to move".

The captain leans over and whispers in her ear and the blonde jumps out of the seat and runs into the coach section to find her seat. The stewardess sees this and approaches the captain, asking him what he had said since all her attempts had not worked.

The captain looks at her and says that I just told her that First Class does not go to New York.

# Blonde Detective Trainees

A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 second and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first blonde answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture shows his profile. "Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"

The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?? Of course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING because it's a picture of his profile!! Is that the best answer you can come up with? Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" He quickly adds "...think hard before giving me a stupid answer."

The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "Hmmmm... the suspect wears contact lenses."

The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting answer...wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that." He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. "Wow! I can't believe it...it's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"

"That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."

# Blonde with Headphones

A blonde walked into a hairdresser's with a tape player and wearing a set of headphones. "I want a haircut but want to keep the headphones on during the haircut" said the blonde, "can you do that?" "Sure" said the hairdresser, "it will take a little longer and cost a bit more, but I think I can give you a good haircut under those conditions if you are willing to pay a bit more."

Three weeks later, the same blonde returned and asked for another haircut with the same condition, "Whatever you do ... don't touch the headphones" "No problem" said the hairdresser who went on to give her another good cut, considering the restraint.

Three weeks later, the same thing happened "and don't forget - don't touch the headphones" said the blonde. By this time, the blonde had become comfortable with the hairdresser and trusted her to do a good job, so she fell asleep during the haircut. Very curious to know what the blonde was listening to, which was so important or entertaining that she would not even give it up to get a haicut, the hairdresser gently removed the headphones and placed them on her own ears. What she heard was hard to believe, it was the same message over and over again... "breathe in... breathe out... breath in... breath out...

By the time the hairdresser realized what she had done, it was too late, the blonde was dead.

# Blonde in an Appliance Store

A blonde goes into an appliance store looking for a TV. After a few minutes, she picks one out and approaches the salesman. "I want to buy this television," she says. The salesman replies, "Sorry, we don't serve blondes here." She gets mad, leaves and goes home.

She dyes her hair brown and returns to the store. "I want to buy this television." she says to the salesman, getting the same response; "Sorry miss, we don't serve blondes here." She leaves again, frustrated. She goes home and proceeds to shave her head, eyebrows and all, leaving no visible trace of blonde hair on her head.

Upon returning to the store, she once again approaches the salesman. "Sir, I would like to purchase this television, and I don't want any problems." To which the salesman replies, "Sorry Miss, we don't serve blondes." Fed up with this, she cries, "How can you tell that I am blonde? I have dyed my hair and even resorted to shaving my head!"

To which the salesman replied, "Well, Miss, that television you are trying to buy is a microwave!"

# Blonde goes Ice Fishing

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary items together, she made for the nearest frozen lake. After positioning her footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice.

Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice and began to cut yet another hole. Again, from the heavens, the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

The blonde, now quite worried, moved way down to the opposite end of the ice, sat up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more: "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

She stopped, looked skyward, and said, "Is that you, Lord?"

The voice replied, "No, I'm the Ice-Rink Manager!"

# Blonde at the Pop Machine

A blonde woman was standing at the pop machine; she put in her money and pressed the Coke button and out came a can of Coke. She looked at it and smiled.

She took out a dollar, put it in the pop machine pressed the 7Up button and out came a can of 7Up.

She looked at it and really started smiling.

She put in the change from her dollar and pressed the Coke button again, out came another can of Coke. Then she was just beaming!

There was a man standing there watching her, and he finally went up to her and said, "What are you doing?"

She looked at him and said, "Duh, I'm winning!

# Blonde Escapes from Prison

A blonde, brunette, and a redhead escaped from prison. They were running along when they came upon a dock. On the dock were three gunnysacks. They could hear the cops approaching, so the brunette suggested that they get in the sacks. So they got in the sacks right before the cops arrived.

A cop kicked the sack with the redhead in it, and she said, "Ruff ruff ruff!"

He said, "Oh, it's only a dog."

He kicked the one with the brunette in it, and she said "Meow meow meow."

He said, "Oh, it's only a cat."

Then, he kicked the one with the blonde in it, and she said, "POTATOES POTATOES POTATOES!"

# Blonde Stewardess Trainee

An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened.

She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her hotel room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

# Two Blondes in the Forest

Two blondes were out walking in the forest one day to get some exercise, fresh air, and to enjoy the beautiful summer day. They had both been reading books about nature as well as the local area all about were very excited about what they could discover first hand about the flowers, the birds, and the animals they came across on their walk.

Suddenly they came upon a set of tracks in the middle of a clearing. "Look", said the first blonde "it's deer tracks." "No", replied the second blonde, "they're too big to be deer tracks, they must be elk tracks."

The first blonde said "They do look awfully big, I'll bet they're moose tracks, they do have moose around here." "No", replied the second blonde, "I'm sure they're elk tracks, I do know quite a bit about nature and the outdoors." Then the first blonde retorted "Well, I know just as much as you do, and I think they're moose tracks."

Then while they were standing there arguing about what kind of tracks they were, the train came along and ran them both over.

# A Slight Delay

Fifteen minutes into the flight from Kansas City to Toronto, the captain announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has failed. There is nothing to worry about. Our flight will take an hour longer than scheduled, but we still have three engines left."

Thirty minutes later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and the flight will take an additional two hours. But don't worry ... we can fly just fine on two engines."

An hour later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and our arrival will be delayed another three hours. But don't worry ... we still have one engine left."

A young blonde passenger turned to the man in the next seat and remarked, "If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day!"

# Blonde Pilot

The blonde had just competed ten hours of flight instruction and mastered the ability to land the plane. Her instructor had congratulated her on the accomplishment and told her that she would now be able to take the plane up by herself and solo. Although she had not yet received her private license and be able to carry passengers on her small Cessna airplane, she was anxious to show her younger sister what she could do. So she arrived at the airfield early in the morning with her sister and they got into the plane together and took of on the blonde's scheduled "solo" flight.

The takeoff was fine and the flight to a neighboring airport was without incident. Now it was time for her to show her sister how to land a plane. The blonde was explaining the importance of getting lined up properly for the landing as she went through the base, downwind, and final approach legs of her landing routine.

As they approached the runway on final approach, the blonde cranked in the traditional 20 degrees of flaps. As they got closer to the edge of the runway, the blonde remarked that the runway looked much shorter than she had expected, so she cranked in another 10 degrees of flaps. Still closer, the blonde was again concerned about the shortness of the runway and cranked in a full 40 degrees of flaps.

As soon as the wheels touched down on the front of the runway the blonde cut the engine and applied the brakes as hard as she could. The tires screamed as the plane dug into the runway and came to a stop only few inches from the end.

The blonde turned to her sister and complained, "I have never in my life seen such a short runway!!!"

"Yea," agreed her sister, who looked out of both of the side windows and then remarked, "but look how wide it is!!!"

# Washing the Dog

A blonde, was at the corner "Mom & Pop" grocery picking out a pretty good size box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over, and, trying to be friendly, asked the blonde if she had a lot of laundry to do.

"Oh, no laundry," the blonde said, "I'm going to wash my dog."

"But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him."

But the blonde was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk her out of washing her dog.

About a week later the blonde was back in the store to buy something else . The grocer asked the blonde how her dog was doing.

"Oh, he died," the blonde said.

The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the dog died but added, "I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog."

"Well, the blonde replied, "I don't think it was the detergent that killed him."

"Oh? What was it then?"

"I think it was the rinse cycle!"

# The Traffic Cop **

The traffic cop was sitting beside a quiet highway with his radar gun waiting for a speeder to come along. It had been a slow day and the section of road he had been assigned had not had much traffic at all let alone any chance to give out a ticket. Suddenly he received a radio call from one of his fellow officers alerting him to a vehicle headed his way.

Shortly after the call had been received he spotted the car he had been called about. It wasn't hard to spot a small red Miata with the top down and a gorgeous blonde driving. When the red Mitia came by him car he took out after her with blinking lights and siren blaring. Within a few hundred yards he had pulled her over to the side of the road. As the cop approached the Mitia he started to unzip his fly.

Noticing this the blonde slaps her hand to her forehead and exclaims: "Not another breathalyzer test, this is the third one I've had today."

_** Risque_

# Blonde Kidnapper

The blonde had been lurking around the playground at the park for the better part of a week, looking for her opportunity to strike. Suddenly the well dressed little girl she had her eye on was left all alone. Siezeing the opportunity, she grabbed the little girl and told her not to make a sound.

Then she took out a pencil and scrawled a note which read: "I am kidnapping this child and demanding $10,000 ransom for her safe return, do not contact the police if you ever want to see her again. You must follow the instructions I have written on the reverse side of this note." She then signed the note "The Blonde," pinned the note to the childs dress and sent her home.

The next day the child appeared alone in the park at the exact time and place stated in the instructions. Also in accordance with the instructions she had an envelope pined to her dress. The blonde removed the envelope which contained $10,000 in small bills, and a note which read "How could you do this, especially to another blonde?"

# I'll Take that One *

The clerk at an adult sex store is having a slow day when one of his friends walks in. "Would you mind watching the store for me for a few minutes while I run down the block and take care of something?"

The friend agrees so the clerk quickly shows him how to answer the phone and run the cash register and then takes off. A few minutes after the clerk has departed a Scandinavian woman comes in and wants to buy a dildo. The friend shows her the stock in the display case and she chooses a large black one.

"I'll take that one," says the Scandinavian woman "I've never had a black one before."

A few minutes later a black woman comes into the store and she is also looking for a dildo. The friend shows her the dildos in the display case and the black woman chooses a medium sized white one.

"I've never had a white one before," says the black woman as she pays for the dildo.

A few minutes later a blonde walks in and says that she is interested in purchasing a dildo. The blonde looks at all the models in the display case and can't find anything which interests her. Then she spots something on the shelf behind the display case.

"I'll take that really big plaid one on the shelf," says the blonde "I've never had a plaid one before."

Shortly after the blonde has left the store, the clerk returns and thanks his friend for helping out. Did you have any business, while I was gone?" says the clerk.

"Yea," says the friend "I sold two dildos and your thermos."

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Great Fishing Spot

Well then, there were these two blondes who went fishing. They were out in the middle of the lake and catching fish like crazy. Pretty soon the boat was full of fish. One of the blondes said, "Wow! We need to mark this spot so we can come back here some other time!"

The other blonde dug into her purse and pulled out a big red crayon and marked a big "X" on the side of the boat. The first blonde shouted, "You dummy! That won't work! What if next time we don't get the same boat?"

# Blonde with an Adult Video *

A blonde decides to do something wild that she hasn't done before --rent her first X-rated adult video. She goes to the video store and after looking around for a while, selects a title that sounds very stimulating.

She drives home, lights some candles, slips into something comfortable, and puts the tape in the VCR. To her disappointment, there's nothing but static on the screen, so she calls the video store to complain.

The blonde says, "I just rented an adult movie from you, and there's nothing on the tape but static."

The store clerk replies, "Sorry about that. We've had problems with some of those tapes. Which title did you rent?"

The blonde says, "It's called Head Cleaner."

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Blondes in Canada

Two blondes were driving in Canada and got lost. Finally they came into a city. They saw a gentleman on the sidewalk, so the blonde driving pulled up to the curb, and the blonde passenger rolls down her window and asked:

"Excuse me, sir. Where are we?"

The gentleman on the street replied, "Saskatoon, Saskatchewan."

The blonde passenger rolled up the window, turned to the driver and said:

"We really are lost. They don't even speak English here!"

# Bottom Deodorant

A blonde walks into a drug store and asks the pharmacist for some bottom deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the blonde that they don't sell bottom deodorant, and never have.

Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that her roommate has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, but the roomate is out of town and they are all out of bottom deodorant.

"I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "we don't have any."

"But she told me she always get it here," says the blonde.

"Do you have the container it comes in?"

"Yes!" says the blonde, "I'll go and get it."

She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."

The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container, "To apply, push up bottom."

# Blonde Selling Her Car

A blonde tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had 250,000 miles on it. One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon.

The brunette told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal."

"That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "if I only can sell the car."

"Okay," said the brunette. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car."

The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic.

About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, "Did you sell your car?"

"No," replied the blonde, "why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it.

# Blonde with a Jaguar

The blonde was bored with driving her BMW. She fancied something a bit more individual, perhaps an MG convertible. That week, she visited her local car dealer and spied a beautiful Jaguar XK140 convertible. It was wonderfully restored and she fell in love with its gorgeous red paint work. She wrote out the check and was soon tearing down the leafy country lanes enjoying her beautiful new car. Her long blonde hair was flowing in the wind, music blaring from the radio - what could possibly go wrong?

At that thought, there was a splutter from the engine and the car slowly coasted to a stop. She got out and lifted the hood and concluded, after a few minutes, that she didn't have a bloody clue what was wrong. Luckily, she had her mobile phone with her and a quick phone call to the Auto Club and a short wait later, she saw a bright shiny yellow van pull up behind her.

"That's a lovely car," said the mechanic. "What seems to be the matter?

The blonde replied, "Well, it just conked out I'm afraid."

"Let me have look." He set to work and ten minutes later the engine was purring like a cat again.

"Thank goodness," she said. "What was the matter?"

"Simple really, just crap in the carburetor," he replied.

Looking shocked she asked, "Oh. How many times a week do I have to do that?

# The Magic Mountain

A blonde, brunette, and redhead were on top of a magic mountain. The myth of the mountain was that if you jumped off of it and yelled out what you wanted to be, you would instantly turn into it.

The brunette jumped off the mountain and yelled "Eagle," so she turned into an Eagle and flew away.

Next, the redhead jumped off the mountain and yelled "cat," so, she turned into a cat, landed on all fours and walked away.

Then the blonde got a running start, tripped over a rock, plummeted into the air and yelled, "SHIT!"

# Blonde with a Pizza

A blonde goes into a pizza-restaurant for lunch. After browsing through the menu she chooses her pizza and orders it. About ten minutes later, the waiter approaches the blonde. He asks if she wants her pizza to be sliced into four or six pieces.

After a second of silence, blonde replies, "I don't think I can eat six slices. In fact, I'm on a diet... four slices please."

# Blonde and the River

A blonde was staring dumfounded at a rushing river blocking her path. As she wondered how to cross, she saw another blonde on the other side. She yelled "Hey, can you help me get to the other side?"

The other blonde replied "You ARE on the other side!!!!"

# Blonde Carpenters

Two blonde builders were working on a house. One blonde was on a ladder nailing.

She'd reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail, look at it, and either toss it over her shoulder or proceed to nail it into the wood. The other blonde couldn't stand it any longer and yelled up, "Why are you throwing some of the nails away?"

The first blonde explained, "When I pull it out of my nail pouch, if it's pointed toward me I throw it away. If it's pointed toward the house, then I can use it!"

The second blonde got real excited and called her all kinds of names, explaining, "Don't throw away those nails that are pointed toward you! They're for the other side of the house!!

# Blonde with a Thermos

A blonde goes into a store and sees a shiny object on the shelf.

She asks the clerk, "What is that shiny object?"

The clerk replies, "That is a thermos."

The blonde then asks, "What does it do?"

The clerk responds, "It keeps hot things hot and it keeps cold things cold."

The blonde says, "Oh! I could use something like that!! I'll take it!"

The next day, as she walks into work with her new thermos she spots her boss and shows off her shiny new thermos, "I just got this yesterday, isn't it wonderful! It's a thermos and it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold!"

The boss asks, "And what do you have in it?"

The blonde replies, "Some coffee and a popsicle."

# A Cause for Celebration

Two young blonde women are sitting at a bar in such an obviously celebratory mood that the bartender drifts over intending to offer them a drink on the house.

When he gets close he hears one say to the other "Here's to 17 days!"

Smiling, the bartender says, "Congratulations! What's so special about 17 days?"

Eyes twinkling, one of the women explains, "Well, we've been spending our evenings working on a jigsaw puzzle! It said 3-5 years on the box, but we finished it in only 17 days!"

# A Typical Blonde Bet

A blonde and a brunette were watching the 11:00 news. The current news story was about a man up on a ledge and threatening to jump. The station cuts to a commercial.

The brunette says "I bet you twenty dollars he's going to jump."

The blonde says "Okay, I'll take that bet."

After the commercial the news special continues and the man in fact does jump."

The blonde remarks "I don't believe it." Then she hands the brunette the twenty dollars.

"No, that was too easy. I can't take it," says the brunette

"I insist you take the money." says the blonde," I lost the bet."

"I have a confession to make." says the brunette, "I saw the same thing on the 6:00 news and knew he jumped. So it wasn't really a good bet."

"I know. I saw the same newscast." says the blonde, "but I didn't think he would be stupid enough to jump the second time."

# My House is on Fire

A blonde called the fire department. She screams into the phone.

"Hurry, Come Quick! My house is on fire."

The fire chief replied, "OK, but how do we get to your house?"

The blonde said, "Duh, Red Truck!"

# The Facts of Life **

A young blonde comes home from school and asks her mother,

"Is it true what Rita just told me? That babies come out of the same place where boys put their thingies?"

"Yes, dear," replied her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and she wouldn't have to explain it.

"But then when I have a baby, won't it knock my teeth out?"

_** Risque_

# Grooming Suggestions **

A blonde & brunette are in an elevator. On the third floor a man gets in who looks perfect -- 3-piece suit, great build, nice butt. The bad part is they both noticed he had dandruff. The man got off on the 5th floor.

Once the doors closed, the brunette turned to the blonde and said, "Someone should give him Head & Shoulders."

To which the blonde replied, "How do you give Shoulders?"

_** Risque_

# The Big Race

There was a competition to cross the English channel doing only the breaststroke, and the three women who entered the race were a brunette, a redhead and a blonde.

After approximately 14 hours, the brunette staggered up on the shore and was declared the fastest. About 40 minutes later, the redhead crawled up on the shore and was declared the second place finisher.

Nearly 4 hours after that, the blonde finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers.

When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the race, she replied, "I don't want to sound like I'm a sore loser, but I think those two other girls were using their arms..."

# Close Supervision

A woman hired a contractor to repaint the interior of her house. The woman walked the man through the second floor of her home and told him what colors she wanted for each room. As they walked through the first room, the woman said, "I think I would like this room in a cream color."

The contractor wrote on his clipboard, walked to the window, opened it and yelled out, "Green side up!" He then closed the window and continued following the woman to the next room. The woman looked confused, but proceeded with her tour. "In this room, I was thinking of an off blue." Again, the contractor wrote this down, went to the window, opened it and yelled out, "Green side up!"

This baffled the woman, but she was hesitant to say anything. In the next room, the woman said she would like it painted in a light rose color. And once more, the contractor opened the window and yelled, "Green side up!"

Struck with curiosity, the woman mustered up the nerve to ask, "Why do you keep yelling 'Green side up' out my window every time I tell you the color I would like the room?"

The contractor replied, "Because I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street."

# Roadside Assistance

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car. The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.

A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong. "I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."

The blonde says, "Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit. The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road. Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another ten feet, turn and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.

The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?" The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label. It says, "Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair, adds permanent wave."

# Mail Call

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blond female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.

She opened it then slammed it shut stormed back in the house.

A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man askes her, "Is something wrong?"

To which she replied,"There certainly is, My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL."

# Painting Project

A blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blond jokes, and of how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.

The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat.

He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He rushes over and says, "Jeez, are you all right?" She slowly nods her head yes. "What are you doing?" he asks incredulously. "I wanted to prove that not all blonde women are dumb," she started, "and I wanted to do it by painting the house." "Well why do you have both a ski jacket and a fur coat on?" he asked dumbfounded.

"Well," she says, "I was reading the directions on the paint can and it said: For best results, put on two coats."

# Safety First

A blonde's car breaks down on the Interstate one day. So she eases it over onto the shoulder of the road. She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk. Out of the trunk jump two men in trench coats who walk to the rear of the vehicle where they stand facing oncoming traffic and begin opening their coats and exposing their nude bodies to approaching drivers. Not surprisingly, one of the worst pileups in history of this highway occurs. It's not very long before a police car shows up.

The cop, clearly enraged, runs toward the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, "What the heck is going on here?"

My car broke down," says the blonde, calmly.

"Well, what are these perverts doing here by the road?!" asks the cop.

And she said, "They're my emergency flashers."

# A Special Frog

A beautiful blonde is driving down a country road when suddenly a large frog jumps out onto the road in front of her car. She slams on the brakes to avoid hitting the frog, and stops just in time. She waits for the frog to hop off the road, but it just sits there. Then she honks the horn, but the frog jumps up on the hood of her car instead of off the road.

Frustrated, the blonde gets out of the car and starts to take the frog off the hood, when the frog looks up at her with these big sorrowful eyes. He looks at her then at the edge of the woods and then back at her. When she looks over at where the frog has looked she notices a small fox at the edge of the woods and realizes that the fox must have chased the frog into the road and is now waiting for her to toss the frog down and leave.

Not wanting the cute little frog to get eaten, she decides to take the frog with her and let him out later when they are far away from the fox. So she puts the frog in the seat next to her and drives away. The frog just sits nicely on the seat and keeps looking at her with these big enchanting eyes.

He seems so well behaved and cute that the blonde thinks she may just take him home and make him a pet. As they drive along she is talking to the frog and he is looking at her as though he is listening and answers with a bribip, bribip. Finally the blonde leans over and kisses the frog, saying "you're just so darn cute."

At that point the most amazing thing happens -- the frog turns into a handsome young man with the body of an athlete. Not wanting to be outdone, the blonde also turns into something -- a motel.

# Scary Ride

Two bowling teams, one of all blondes and one of all brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in Atlantic City.

The brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus. The blonde team rides on the top level. The brunette team down below is having a great time, when one of them realizes she doesn't hear anything from the blondes upstairs.

She decides to go up and investigate. When the Brunette reaches the top, she finds all the Blondes frozen in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, and clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.

She says, "What the heck's goin' on up here? We're havin' a grand time downstairs!"

One of the blondes looks up and says, "Yeah, but you've got a driver!"

# Correct Pronunciation

Two tourists were driving through Wisconsin. As they were approaching Oconomowoc, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.

As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee, "before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?"

The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrr, gerrrrrr, Kiiiing."

# Blonde Cowboy

A sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blonde cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun, and his boots, so the sheriff arrests him for indecent exposure. As he is locking him up he asks, "Why in the world are you dressed like this?"

The cowboy replies, "Well, it's like this, Sheriff. I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little redhead asks me to go out to her motor home with her, so I did...."

"We get to the door and she asks me to give her $20 , so I did..."

"We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt, so I did..."

"Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants, so I did..."

"Then she pulls off her underwear and asks me to pull off my shorts, so I did..."

"Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of funny and says, 'Now go to town, Cowboy...'"

"So here I am."

# Blonde on a Diet

A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.

"I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds."

When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds.

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?"

The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."

"From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor.

"No, from skipping," says the blonde.

# Blonde Space Travel

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.

The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"

The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"

The Blonde said, "So what, we're going to be the first on the sun!"

The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.

"You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.

To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"

# Blonde's Final Exam

The blonde reported for her university final examination that consists of "yes/no" type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet Yes for Heads and No for Tails.

Within half an hour she is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out. During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, muttering and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on. "I finished the exam in half an hour. But I'm rechecking my answers.

# Degrading Humor

A young ventriloquist is touring clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting.

"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person... because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general... and all in the name of humor!"

The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee!"

# Alligator Shoes

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"

The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She took aim, killed the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement. Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

# The Runaway Horse

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and it immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway.

The horse gallops along, seemingly ignorant of its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.

She starts to lose consciousness, but to her great fortune, Bobby, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse.

# How Should I Know?

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.

The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.

The husband said, "Who was that?"

The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know 'if the coast is clear.'"

# Sure Looks Familiar

Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hm, this person looks familiar."

The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!"

So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"

# Vengeance is Mine

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead.

Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it."

The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"

# State Capitals

A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them."

A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?"

The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."

# How Can I Know for Sure

A blonde goes into the health clinic for a routine physical and is informed by the examining doctor that she is two months pregnant. The blonde is both surprised and distressed.

Noting this the doctor inquires:"Is this pregnancy going to be a problem for you?'

"No, not really" says the blonde, "I've always wanted children .... it's just that I think that my husband may be cheating on me."

"Under the circumstances, I hope that isn't the case," says the doctor compassionately.

After a few moments of silence the blonde asks: "Is there any way to tell for sure if this baby is mine."

# Horrific Accident

A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived.

"My God!" the trooper gasped, "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?"

"Yes, officer, I'm just fine," the blonde chirped.

"Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.

"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began "I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this tree pops up in front of me. So swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was another tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ...."

"Uh, ma'am," the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for thirty miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth."

# Burglary Investigation

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a blind policeman."

# The Blonde Airman

Fred and Ralph grew up together in California, both joined the Air Force and ended up being stationed together at an Air Base in Arizona. When they get a chance to take some leave, they hop in Fred's car and head for San Diego. As soon as they get there they rent a motel room, buy a couple of speedo swim suits and head for the beach to pick up some chicks.

Fred is a body builder and soon has a beautiful girl sharing his beach blanket. Ralph on the other hand is very skinny and is not having any luck getting a girl. Being sympathetic, Fred takes him aside and suggests that Ralph go to the produce market across the streat from the beach, buy a large potato and put it in his swim suit.

Excited about the prospect of increasing his sex appeal, Ralph buys a potato, puts it into the speedo and strolls down the beach looking for some action. After a couple of hours, he returns to where Fred and his new girl friend are located.

Ralph finds Fred and says, "your idea didn't work. Before the girls wouldn't even look at me, now they are all looking at me and laughing."

Fred takes a look at Ralph slaps his head and says, "You're suppose to put the potato in the front of your suit, not in the back!"

# Count Me Out

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early.

"Hey, girls," says the brunette, "let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know."

So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss! She quietly sneaks out of the house and returns at her normal time.

"That was fun," says the brunette. "We should do it again sometime."

"No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught."

# Deceiving Directions

Two blondes were planning on spending their vacation at Disneyland. When their vacation came they hopped in their car and headed to California. The closer they got the more excited they got. After entering Anaheim they came to an intersection with a large sign . The sign read: "Disneyland Left."

So the two disappointed blondes turned the car around and went home.

# Drink Orders

A brunette walks into a bar and says, "Gimme an M L."

The bartender says, "What's an M L?"

The brunette says, "A Miller Light."

Another brunette walks in and says, "Gimme a B L"

The bartender says, "What's a B L?"

She says, "Bud Light."

A dumb blonde walks in and says, "Gimme a 15."

The bartender says, "What's a fifteen?"

The blonde says, "7 & 7, duh!"

# Blonde Father

A blonde guy and a brunette girl were happily married and about to have a baby. One day, the wife started having contractions, so the husband rushed her to the hospital. He held her hand as she went through a trying birth. In the end, there were two little baby boys.

The blonde guy turned to his wife and angrily said, "All right, who's the other father!?!"

# Cheap Cruise

A blonde is looking at a bulletin board and she sees a piece of paper that says, ''River Cruise Only Five Dollars'' She pulls the piece of paper off the wall and goes to the address listed on the back of paper. She walks into the building and hands the secretary the piece of paper. The secretary nods and asks if she had the five dollars. The blonde pulls five dollars out of her pocket and hands it to the secretary. The secretary looks over to a burly guy reading a newspaper. She nods to the him. He stands up and knocks the blonde unconscious. When the blonde wakes up she's tied to a log and is floating down river.

She starts to think that this was a bad idea when she sees another blonde tied to a log floating right next to her, she says, ''So do you think they're going to serve us some food on this trip?''

The other blonde replies, ''They didn't serve any last year."

# More Bad News

One day, a blonde's neighbor goes over to her house, sees the blonde crying, and asks her what happened. The blonde said that her mother had passed away. The neighbor made her some coffee and calmed her down a little and then left. The next day the neighbor went back over to the house and found the blonde crying again. She asked her why she was crying this time.

''I just got off of the phone with my sister, her mother died too!''

# Quality Control

Once there was a blonde who really needed some money. She saw an ad in the newspaper for a job at a toy factory which manufactured "Tickle Me Elmo" dolls. She went down and applied, but the manager told her that she wouldn't want the job because it was so boring. The blonde begged him and told him she would do anything because she needed the money really bad. After long consideration the manager hired her.

After a few hours the manager looked at the video-monitor showing the factory floor and saw that the conveyer belt was backed up. The manager went downstairs to find out what the problem was. When he arived there the blonde was sewing to marbles into the crotch of every Elmo.

The manager said, ''I said to give each Elmo two test tickles; not two testicles!"

# Big for My Age

"Please remove your blouse and bra," says the doctor to the young blonde, placing his stethoscope around his neck.

When she is ready, the doc says, "Big breaths."

"Yeth," she replies, "and I'm only thixthteen!"

# It's Not Mine

A blonde carpenter was fixing up some wooden window frames on a five story building. He was using an electric saw and accidentally cut one of his ears off.

A guy was walking along the street below him so he called out, ''Hey, you on the street, can you see my ear down there?''

The guy on the street picks up an ear saying, ''Is this it?''

''No,'' was the reply from the blonde carpenter, ''mine had a pencil behind it."

# Can't Tell Them Apart

A blonde had two horses, but she couldn't tell them apart. So she asked her neighbor for advice.

He suggested that she cut the tail off one of the horses. This worked until the other horse snagged his tail on a fence.

So the neighbor suggested notching one of the horses' ear. This worked until the other horse snagged his ear on a fence.

So the neighbor suggested measuring the heights of the horses. And sure enough, the white horse was two inches taller than the black horse.

# Makes Me So Angry

There was a blonde driving down the road one day. She glanced to her right and noticed another blonde sitting in a nearby field. She was in a boat rowing, with no water in sight.

The blonde angrily pulled her car over and yelled at the rowing blonde, "What do you think you're doing? It's things like this that give us blondes a bad name. If I could swim, I'd come out there and kick your butt!

# Locked Myself Out

A blonde walked into a gas station and said to the manager, "I locked my keys in my car. Do you have a coat hanger or something I can stick through the window to unlock the door?"

"Why sure," said the manager, "we have something that works especially well for that."

A couple minutes later, the manager walked outside to see how the blonde was doing and he heard another voice.

"No, no! A little to the left," said the other blonde inside the car

# Move to the Back Seat?

A young blonde and her teenage boyfriend were out on a date and they ended up at ''Lovers' Cove'' where they were making out. The guy thought that things were going pretty good and maybe he would get lucky tonight, so he thought that he would ask her if she wanted to go in the back seat.

''NO!'' yelled the blonde.

The guy just figured that she wasn't ready yet.

Things got pretty hot and the guy thought he would try again.

''NO!'' the blonde yelled again.

Things got even hotter and the blond was down to her bra and the guy even had her pants unzipped.

''Do you wanna go in the back seat yet?'' asked the guy.

''For the last time, NO!'' said the blonde.

Frustrated, the guy asked, ''Well, why the hell not?''

The blonde looked at him and said, ''Because I wanna stay up here with you."

# Avoiding Arrest

This blonde guy and his girlfriend were going at it hot and heavy in the backseat of his car. A knock was heard on the window and there stood a cop. The guy got out, shaking like a leaf. The cop said that he wouldn't arrest him if he could be next.

The guy got back in the car and finished with his girlfriend. When he got out again, he was still shaking like a leaf. The cop said there was no reason to be scared, because he wouldn't arrest him if he could be next.

The blonde guy said 'I'm not afraid that you'll arrest me, it's just that I've never done it with a cop before!"

# Flowers for My New Bride

On a friday afternoon a brunette and a blonde were having coffee at the brunettes house. Then the brunette looked up and saw her new husband coming down the street with a bunch of flowers in his hand.

The brunette said, "There comes my husband with flowers in his hand. Now I'll have to spend the whole weekend on my back with my legs in the air."

Puzzeled, the blonde promptly replied, "Don't you have a vase?"

# A Very Expensive Fur Coat

A young Navy Lieutenant and a beautiful blonde walk into a very posh Beverly Hills furrier. "Show the lady your finest mink!" the Lieutenant exclaims. So the owner of the shop goes in back and comes out with an absolutely gorgeous full-length coat.

As the blonde tries it on, the furrier discreetly whispers to the Lieutenant, "Ah, sir, that particular fur goes for $65,000."

"No problem! I'll write you a check!"

"Very good, sir." says the shop owner. "Today is Saturday. You may come by on Monday afternoon to pick it up, after your check has cleared."

So the Lieutenant and the blonde leave.

On Monday morning the Lieutenant returns.

The store owner is outraged: "How dare you show your face in here? The bank said you closed your checking account last Friday!"

"I just had to come by before I shipped out," grinned the Lieutenant, "to thank you for the most wonderful weekend of my life!"

# Blonde Husband

A blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

"What's up?" he asks.

"I'm having a heart attack!" cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he is dialing, his 4-year old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your wardrobe and he's got no clothes on!"

The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the wardrobe floor.

''You bastard," says the husband. "My wife is having a heart attack and you're running around with no clothes on scaring the kids!"

# I'm Ready Doctor

A pretty young blonde visiting her new doctor for the first time found herself alone in a small waiting room. She began undressing nervously, preparing herself for the upcoming examination. Just as she draped the last of her garments over the back of a chair, a light rap sounded on the door and a young doctor strode in.

Coming to an abrupt halt, the doctor looked his nude patient up and down carefully and with considerable appreciation.

"Miss Smith," he said finally, "it seems quite obvious to me that until today you have never undergone an eye examination."

# Fishing Competition

There was a competition between a team of blondes and a team of brunettes to see who could catch the most fish icefishing. Once the contest started, it was clear that the brunettes were going to win -- they kept pulling out fish after fish. Soon, the blondes got worried and sent over one of their team to see what the brunettes were doing differently. A few minutes later, the blonde comes running back.

"A hole! You need to put a hole in the ice!"

# A Magic Mermaid

Three blondes are out having a relaxing day of fishing. Out of the blue, they catch a mermaid who begs to be set free in return for granting each of them a wish. Now, one of the blondes just doesn't believe it.

"OK, if you can really grant wishes, then double my I.Q."

"Done." Suddenly, the blonde turns into a brunette, starts reciting Shakespeare flawlessly - and analyzing it with extreme insight.

The second blonde is so amazed she asks the mermaid to triple her I.Q. All of a sudden, the second blonde turns into a redhead and starts to spout the solutions to mathematical problems that have stymied chemists, physicists and mathematicians since the beginning of time.

The last blonde is so impressed that she asks the mermaid to quintuple her I.Q. The mermaid looks at her, very concerned.

"I don't normally try to change people's minds when they make a wish, but I'd really wish you'd reconsider."

"No way. I want you to quintuple my I.Q., and if you don't, I won't set you free."

"Please," says the mermaid, "you don't know what you're asking... it will change your entire view of the universe...won't you ask for something else...10 million dollars, anything?"

But the third blonde remains steadfast.

The mermaid sighs and says, "Done!" And the third blonde becomes a man.

# Thirst Quenching

Three women were trekking through the hot desert and came across a magician. The magician was standing at the top of a slide. The magician than said, ''You may each go down the slide, asking for a drink. When you reach the bottom of the slide you shall land a a huge pool of that drink.

The brunette went down first yelling, ''Beerrr!!!'' Plop! She landed in a pool of ice cold beer.

The redhead went down the slide next yelling,''champaignnn!!!'' Plop! She landed in a pool of chilled bubbling champaign.

Finally the blonde went down the slide yelling ''wheeeeeeeee!!!''

# Blonde Lumberjack

This blonde woman went to Canada to seek her fortune as a lumberjack. She met a foreman of a logging organization who offered to give her a job.

"Now I hope you realize we expect you to cut down at least 100 trees a day," the foreman told her. The blonde woman didn't see this as a problem, so she went out with the Chainsaw and did her best.

She came back sweating like a pig. ''Christ, how many trees did you cut down?'' asked the foreman.

''6'' she replied.

''What!? You have to do beter than that. Get up earlier tommorow.'' The foreman said. So she did. Out she went with the chainsaw, she came back that night exhausted.

'How many this time?'' asked the foreman.

''12'' she said.

The foreman says, ''That does it. I'm coming out there with you tommorow morning.''

The next morning, the foreman reaches the first tree and says, ''This is how to cut down trees really quickly.'' He pulls the rope on the chainsaw and it gives off a loud BRRRRRRUM. He notices the blonde is looking at him frantically. So he asks her what's wrong.

She replies, ''What the hell is that sound?''

# The Big Bank Heist

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead had just robbed a bank in Egypt. The blonde forgot to put gas in the get away car, so they were caught, convicted, and sentenced to exile in the Sahara Desert. However, since they were women, they were told they could each take one thing with them to make their stay easier.

When they met in the desert they each were telling what they had brought.

"I brought a loaf of bread, so when I get hungry, I'll have something to eat," said the brunette.

"I brought a water skin, so that when I get thirsty, I'll have something to drink," said the redhead.

"I brought a car door, so that when it gets hot I can roll down the window," said the blonde.

# Excited Blonde

A blonde gets an opportunity to fly to a nearby country. She has never been on an airplane anywhere and was very excited and tense. As soon as she boarded the plane, a Boeing747, she started jumping in excitement, running over seat to seat and starts shouting, "BOEING! BOEING!! BOEING!!! BO....."

She sort of forgets where she is, even the pilot in the cock-pit hears the noise. Annoyed by the goings on, the Pilot comes out and shouts "Be silent!"

There was pin-drop silence everywhere and everybody is looking at the blonde and the angry Pilot. She stared at the pilot in silence for a moment, concentrated really hard, and all of a sudden started shouting, "OEING! OEING! OEING! OE...."

# Blonde Pilot Trainee

A blonde went to a flight school insisting that she wanted to learn to fly. As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her by radio on how to pilot the solo helicopter. He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the basics, and sent her on her way.

After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in. "I'm doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful, and I'm starting to get the hang of this."

After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was to fly. The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry that she hadn't radioed in.

A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away. He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage.

When he asked what happened, she said, "I don't know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold. I can barely remember anything after I turned off the big fan!"

# The Blonde Cop

After three tries and a great deal of effort, the blonde finally graduates from the police accademy. Knowing her limitations, the sergeant assigns her to traffic partol. After an hour of sitting behind a sign in her squad car she is bored and wants to make an arrest, so she pulls over the next car that goes by.

The driver sees the flashing lights and pulls over to the side of road and rolls down the window. The blonde cop asks to see his driver's licence. After studying it for a few seconds the blonde cop says, "You've got a restriction on your license. You should be wearing glasses."

The driver says, "I have contacts."

The blonde cop says, "I don't care who you know, you have to wear your glasses."

# Moving Violation

A highway patrolman pulled up alongside a speeding car on the freeway. As the officer peered through the driver's window, he was astounded to find that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting.

The trooper cranked down his window and yelled to the driver, "Pull over!" at the top of his lungs.

"No!" the blonde yelled back, "Scarf!"

# Driving Too Slow

A police officer pulls over a car with a young blonde driver in it....

Cop : "Miss, this is a 65 MPH highway, why are you going so slowly?"

Blonde : "Officer, I saw a lot of signs saying 22, not 65."

Cop : "Oh miss, that's not the speed limit, that's the name of the highway you're on!"

Blonde : "Oh! Stupid me! Thanks for letting me know, Ill be more careful from now on."

At this point the cop looks into the back seat of the car, where the passengers are shaking and white as ghosts.

Cop : "Excuse me miss, what's wrong with your friends back there? They're shaking something awful."

Blonde : "Oh... We just got off of highway 119".

# Wallpapering Project

A blonde decided to redecorate her bedroom. She wasn't sure how many rolls of wallpaper she would need, but she knew that her blonde friend from next door had recently done the same job and the two rooms were identical in size.

"Buffy," she said, "how many rolls of wallpaper did you buy for your bedroom?"

"Ten," said Buffy. So the blonde bought the ten rolls of paper and did the job, but she had 2 rolls leftover.

"Buffy," she said. "I bought ten rolls of wallpaper for the bedroom, but I've got 2 leftover!"

"Yes," said Buffy. "So did I."

# The Blonde State Trooper

Two Alabama State Troopers were chasing a Camaro East on I-20 toward Georgia. When the suspect crossed the Georgia line, the first Trooper pulled over quickly.

The rookie Trooper pulled in behind him and asked the veteran blonde officer, "Hey, sarge, why did you stop?"

The blonde sarge replied, "He's in Georgia now. They're an hour ahead of us, so we'll never catch him."

# Blonde at the Bus Stop

A blonde was visiting Washington, DC for the first time. She wanted to see the Capitol building. Unfortunately, she couldn't find it, so she asked a police officer for directions - "Excuse me, officer, how do I get to the Capitol building?"

The officer replied, "Wait here at this bus stop for the number 54 bus. It'll take you right there." She thanked the officer and he drives off.

Three hours later the police officer returned to the same area and, sure enough, the blonde is still waiting at the same bus stop.

The officer got out of his car and said, "Excuse me, but to get to the Capitol building, I said to wait here for the number 54 bus and that was three hours ago! Why are you still waiting?"

The blonde replied, "Don't worry, officer, it won't be long now. The 45th bus just went by!"

# Indecent Exposure

A blonde woman is walking down the street, with her blouse open. A cop is approaching from about a block away, thinking, "Boy, my eyes must be going, it looks like that woman's right breast is hanging out."

As he gets closer it becomes apparent that her breast is hanging out. When he gets face to face with her he says, "Ma'am, are you aware I could cite you for indecent exposure?"

She says, "Why, officer?"

"Well, your breast is hanging out."

She looks down and says "OMIGOD, I left the baby on the bus!"

# Two Red Ears

A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked her what had had happened to her ears?

"I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."

"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But .. what happened to your other ear?"

"The son-of-a-bitch called back."

# Stranded

Three blondes are stranded on an island. They find a lamp and rub it and out pops a genie. "I will grant each of you one wish" the genie said.

The first blonde said that she wished to be smarter than the other two, and she turned into a brunette and swam off the island.

The second blonde said that she wished to be smarter than the other two, and she turned into a red-head and built a raft and rowed off the island.

The third blonde wished to be smarter than the other two, and she turned into a man and walked across the bridge.

# Auto Body Repair

A blonde got a dent in her car and took it in to the repair shop. The repairman, noticing that the woman was a blonde, decided to have a wee bit of fun.

So he told her all she had to was take it home and blow in the tailpipe until the dent popped itself out.

After 15 minutes of this, the blonde's blonde friend came over and asked what she was doing.

"I'm trying to pop out this dent, but it's not really working."

"Duh. You have to roll up the windows first!"

# The Witch and the Mirror

There was a blonde, a brunette and a redhead at a dance together. When they went into the bathroom to check their makeup, they found an old hag.

"I am a witch, and if you look in the mirror and say one rumor that you hear about you, and that rumor is true, then you will get one wish. If it is not true, then you will get sucked into Mirrorland for the rest of eternity. Do you understand?"

They all did, and the brunette went first. "I think I am the prettiest girl at school."

"That is true. Your wish is granted." And the brunette left the dance in a red Ferrari.

Then came the redhead. "I think I am the richest girl at school." "That is true. Your wish is granted." And the redhead left the dance with a hot boyfriend.

Then came the blonde. "I think..."

Before she had a chance to finish, the witch said: "You lie!!" And she was sucked into the mirror.

# Blonde in Therapy

One day a blonde kept having the same weird dream everyday, so she went to a Psychiatrist.

Psychiatris: What was your dream about?

Blonde: I was being chased by a vampire!

Psychiatris: (chuckles quitely) So... what is the scenery like?

Blonde: I was running in a hall way.

Psychiatris: Then what happened?

Blonde: Well that's the weird thing. In every single dream, the same thing happened. I always come to this door, but I can't open it. I keep pushing the door and pushing the door, but it wouldn't budge!

Psychiatris: Can you describe the door?

Blonde: Yes it is a large white wooden door with a sign on it.

Psychiatris: What does the sign say?

Blonde: It said "Pull"

# Still Stranded

A blonde, brunette and a red-head were trapped on a island 20 miles from shore. The red-head started swimming and got tired after 2 miles and turned around and swam back. Then the brunette started to swim and after 7 miles of swimming she turned back. The blonde jumped in and swam 17 miles got tired and turned back.

# Follow the Snow Plow

A blonde driving a car became lost in a snowstorm. She didn't panic however, because she remembered what her dad had once told her. "If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, just wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it."

Sure enough, pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about forty-five minutes.

Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. And she explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in a snow storm, to follow a plow.

The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the Wal-Mart parking lot, do you want to follow me over to K-Mart now?"

# Coffee Complications

A blonde calls her doctor and complains that she has been a lot drinking coffee and it is making her eyes hurt.''

"I've never heard of a problem like that before," says the doctor. Why don't you switch to decaffeinated coffee and call me back in a week if the problem does not go away."

So a week later the blonde calls the doctor and reports that she has switched to decaf coffee, but that her eye problem is getting even worse. So the doctor tells her to schedule an appointment so he can see what is happening to her eyes. In the meantime, don't drink any coffee at all.

By the time she came in for her examination, the blonde's eyes had started to get better. After the examination the doctor said: "You can start drinking coffee again, but this time make sure to take the spoon out of the cup before you start drinking."

# Job Interview

A Blonde airhead goes for a job interview in an office. The interviewer starts with the basics. "So, Miss, can you tell us your age, please?"

The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for half a minute before replying "Ehhhh... 22!"

The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice. "And can you tell us your height, please?"

The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces "Five foot two!"

This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics; something the interviewee won't have to count, measure, or lookup. "Just to confirm for our records, your name please?"

The airhead bobs her head from side to side for about ten seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying "MANDY!"

The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks - "What in the world were you doing when I asked you your name?"

"Ohhhh, that!" replies the airhead, "I was just running through that song - 'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear...'

# What is Easter?

Three natural blondes died and found themselves standing before St. Peter. He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom, they had to tell him what Easter was.

The first blonde said, "Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey." St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to hell.

The second blonde said,"Easter is when we celebrate Jesus' birth and exchange gifts." St. Peter said, "Nooo," and he banished her to hell.

The third blonde said, she knew what Easter is, and St. Peter said, "So, tell me."

She said, "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with His disciples when he was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested him. The Romans hung Him on the cross and eventually He died. Then they buried Him in a tomb behind a very large boulder..."

St. Peter said, "Verrry good."

Then the blonde continued, "Now every year the Jews roll away the boulder and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have 6 more weeks of basketball."

# Acute Appendicitis

A blonde was having sharp pains in her side. The doctor examined her and said, ''You have acute appendicitis.''

The blond yelled at the doctor... ''I came here to get medical help, not get a stupid compliment!!''

# The Night Watchman

Passing an office building late one night, a blonde saw a sign that said, "Press bell for night watchman."

She did so, and after several minutes she heard the watchman clomping down the stairs.

The uniformed man proceeded to unlock first one gate, then another, shut down the alarm system, and finally made his way through the revolving door.

"Well," he snarled at the blonde, "what do you want?"

"I'll tell you," said the equally agitated blonde, "I just want to know why you can't ring the bell for yourself?"

# Blonde Freshman

Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her US government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about.

Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware."

# Blondes with a Porsche

A blonde woman is driving a Porsche. She sees another blonde woman with a Porsche that has broken down on the side of the road. She stops to ask what's wrong. The owner of the broken Porsche said, "I just had a look under the hood, well, while I was driving somebody had stolen the engine."

The other said, "Oh, don't worry, I have a spare one in the back."

# Stand in the Circle

A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when she accidentally cut off a truck driver. He motioned for her to pull over. When she did, he got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the side of the road and gruffly commanded to the blonde, "Stand in that circle and DON'T MOVE!"

He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats. When he turned around she had a slight grin on her face, so he said, "Oh you think that's funny? Watch this!" He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every window in her car. When he turns and looks at her she has a smile on her face. He is getting really mad. He gets his knife back out and slices all her tires.

Now she's laughing. The truck driver is really starting to lose it. He goes back to his truck and gets a can of gas, pours it on her car and sets it on fire. He turns around and she is laughing so hard she is about to fall down. "What's so funny?" the truck driver asked the blonde. She replied, "Every time you weren't looking, I stepped outside the circle."

# Telephone Poles

Two telephone company crews were putting up telephone poles. At the end of the day, the company foreman asked the first crew how many poles they had put in the ground.

"Fifteen" was the answer.

"Not bad, not bad at all," the foreman said.

Turning to the blonde crew he asked how many they had put in. "Four" was the answer.

"Four?" the foreman yelled. "The others did fifteen, and you only did four?"

"Yes," replied the leader of the blonde group, "But go look at how much they left sticking out of the ground."

# A Noble Sacrifice

Eleven women were clinging precariously to a wildly swinging rope suspended from a crumbling outcropping on Mount Everest. Ten were blonde, one was a brunette.

As a group they decided that one of the party should let go. If that didn't happen the rope would break and everyone would perish.

For an agonizing few moments no one volunteered. Finally the brunette gave a truly touching speech saying she would sacrifice herself to save the lives of the others. All the blondes applauded. 

# Lost Blonde Hunters

There were two blondes going hunting. It was getting late so one of the blondes said to the other that she heard if you ever get lost in the woods to shoot three shots into the air. So she did.

A few hours went by and so she fired three more shots in the air.

A few more hours went by and they fired three more shots in the air.

Then one of the blondes said "Someone better hurry up and save us...we only have two more arrows left."

# Blonde's New Cell Phone

A young man wanted to get his beautiful "blonde" wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decides to buy her a cell phone.

She is all excited, she loves her cell phone. He shows her and explains to her all the features on the phone. The next day the blonde goes shopping and then stops for a hair cut and a perm.

Her phone rings and it's her husband, "Hi hun,"he says "how do you like your new phone?"

She replies: "I just love, it's so small and your voice is clear as a bell! But there's one thing I don't understand though."

"What's that, baby?" asks the husband.

"How did you know I was at the beauty parlor?"

# Blonde Golfers

Two blondes were playing golf at a foggy par three, and could see the flag, but not the green. Each hit their ball anyway. When they walked to the green, they discovered one about three feet from the cup, while the other somehow had gone directly in.

They tried to figure out which ball belonged to who, since they were both using Titleist number threes. Unable to decide, they returned to the Club House and asked the golf pro for a ruling. After hearing their story and congratulating them both on their superb shots under such adverse conditions he asked, "OK, so who was playing the yellow ball ?

# The Blonde Wolf

Three old trappers were sitting around the campfire one night talking about their experiences. The first trapper says:"I once trapped a large silver wolf. It was a magnificent creature, but I just saw it slip away through the trees as I approached. It had chewed off it's leg to get free."

Not to be outdone, the second trapper relayed his experience the day he had trapped a white wolf. "It was at the break of dawn when I came up on my trap and saw this gigantic white wolf slipping away from my trap and disappearing into the forest. All that was left was the leg he had chewed off to get out of my trap. These white wolves are the largest and rarest wolves in the world, and the Indians believed they hold magical powers."

"Aw that's nothing," said the third trapper, " I once trapped a blonde wolf, and they are rarer than even the white wolf."

"I've never even heard of a blonde wolf," said the first trapper.

"Neither have I," said the second trapper, "did you get to see it up close?"

"Yea," says the third trapper, "she had chewed off three legs, but she was still caught in the trap."

# The Placebo Effect

The pharmacist was working behind the counter filling prescriptions when a blonde came in to complain about a prescription she had filled a few days earlier. The blonde complained that the capsules she'd been given weren't working.

"Oh," the said the pharmacist, "perhaps you're taking them the wrong way. You have to take them so that the green half goes in first."

The blonde stopped by a week later and said "My medication is now working fine, I must have been taking them with the black side down before."

# New Blonde Driver

A 17-year-old blonde had just gotten her driver's license and offered to take her mom's car to the gas station. She pulled up to the full-service pumps, and the attendant asked, "What grade, miss?"

"Eleventh!" she replied.

# The Maligned Preacher

The preacher rose with a red face. "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the K.K.K. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family!"

No one moved.

The preacher continued, " Do you not have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood. Remember, you will be forgiven and in our heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression!"

Again all was quiet.

Slowly a "drop dead" gorgeous blonde with a body that would not stop rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke. "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Klu Klux Klan. I just told a couple of my friends you were a wizard under the sheets."

# The Young Blonde Bride

A new young blonde bride calls her mother in tears. She sobs, "Robert doesn't appreciate what I do for him."

"Now, now," her mother comforted, "I am sure it was all just a misunderstanding."

"No, mother," you don't understand. "I bought a frozen turkey roll and he yelled and screamed at me about the price!"

"Well, the nerve of that lousy cheapskate!" says her mom. "Those turkey rolls are only a few dollars."

"No, mother it wasn't the price of the turkey, it was the airplane ticket."

"Airplane ticket.... What did you need an airplane ticket for?"

"Well mother, when I went to fix it, I looked at the directions on the package and it said - 'Prepare from a frozen state,' so I flew to Alaska!"

# The Blonde Commuter

A blonde came home from her first day commuting into the city. Her mother noticed she was looking a little peaked and asked, "Honey, are you feeling all right?"

"Not really," the blonde replied. "I'm nauseous from sitting backward on the train."

"Poor dear," Mom said. "Why didn't you ask the person sitting across from you to switch seats for a while?"

"I couldn't," she replied, "there was no one there."

# Run Ten Miles a Day

An overweight blonde consulted her doctor for advice. The doctor advised that she run 10 miles a day for 30 days. This, he promised, would help her lose as much as twenty pounds.

The blonde follows the doctor's advice, and, after thirty days, she was pleased to find that she'd indeed lost twenty pounds.

She phoned the doctor and thanked him for the wonderful advice which produced such effective results. At the end of the conversation, however, she asked one last question: "How do I get home, since I am now 300 miles away?"

# Two Blondes at a Bus Stop

Two blondes are waiting at a bus stop. When a bus pulls up and opens the door, one of the blondes leans inside and asks the bus driver: "Will this bus take me to 5th Avenue?"

The bus driver shakes his head and says, "No, I'm sorry."

Hearing this, the other blonde leans inside, smiles, and twitters: "Will it take ME?" 

# The Blonde Restaurant

Two teenage boys "Fred and Matt, are out cruising one night. Looking out the right side of the car, Matt says: "Look at that new fast food restraurant, it must be run by blondes."

"Why do you say that," says Fred, "do you know the people who run it?"

"No," says Matt, "I just have a feeling they're blonde."

"Based on what," says Fred.

"Based on the sign in the parking lot," says Matt, "the one that reads 'Parking for drive-through customers only!'" 

# Blonde Explorer

There were three female explorers who decided that they would go explore the African jungle together. One blonde, one brunnette and one redhead.

They were near the middle of the jungle when a rare african tribe surrounded them. The tribe said that the gods have sent them do evil things and that the explorers should be killed. The tribe was going to shoot them with a bow and arrow one at a time.

First they were going to shoot at the brunnette. She stepped up and the chief called "Ready, aim ... ", but before they could shoot she yelled "TORNADO" and everyone ducked and lay down on the ground and the brunnette ran way while they ducked. The tribe got mad and swore but did not go after her.

Then the redneck stepped up and the chief called "Ready, aim ....", but before they could shoot she screeched "FLOOD" and everyone jumped and climbed up the nearest tree. The redhead took advantage and ran away. They got really mad and swore but did not go after her.

They didn't like people yelling fake incidents. Then the blonde stepped up and she thought that yelling another nature disaster was a good idea. Once again the chief called out "ready, aim..."and the blonde yelled "FIRE!"

# Blonde and the Librarian

A blonde walks into the library. She walks up to the counter, SLAMS a book down and screams at the librarian, - "This is the WORST book I've ever read!" "It has NO plot and far too many characters!"

The librarian looks up and calmly remarks - "So, you're the one who took our phone book..."

# Blonde Bank Robber **

A blonde and a brunette were planning to rob a bank. The brunette said that she would drive the get away car and keep a watch out for the cops while the blonde took the money. They went over and over their plans for the robbery and finally they headed out to commit the crime. They pulled up in their car in front of the bank.

The brunette says to the blonde, "Are you sure you understand the plan?"

"Yes!" replied the blonde.

So the blonde gets out of the passenger side of the car and heads into the bank. Time passes, and after 10 minutes the blonde has not returned. The brunette gets very nervous.

Finally, out comes the blonde from the bank dragging the safe behind her by a rope, and seconds behind her comes the guard with his pants down.

"No you idiot," says the brunette, "I told you to blow the safe and tie-up the guard!"

_** Risque_

# The Blonde Nun

One night a Blonde Nun was praying in her room when God appeared before her.

"My daughter, you have pleased me greatly. Your heart is full of love for your fellow creatures and your actions and prayers are always for the benefit of others. I have come to you, not only to thank and commend you, but to grant you anything you wish."

"Dear Heavenly Father, I am perfectly happy. I am a bride of Christ. I am doing what I love. I lack for nothing material since the Church supports me. I am content in all ways."

"There must be something you would have of me," said God.

"Well, there is one thing," she said.

"Just name it," said God.

"It's those blonde jokes. They are so demeaning to blondes everywhere, not just to me. I would like for blonde jokes to stop."

"Consider it done," said God. "Blonde jokes shall be stricken from the minds of humans. But surely there is something that I could do just for you."

"There is one thing. But it's really small, and not worth your time," said the nun.

"Name it. Please," said God.

"It's the M&M's," said the nun. "They're so hard to peel!"

# Minor Repairs

A blonde meets up with a friend as she's picking up her car from the mechanic.

"Everything ok with your car now?"

"Yes, thank goodness," the blonde replies.

"Weren't you worried the mechanic might try to rip you off?"

"Yeah, but he didn't. I was so relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid!"

# The Blonde Farmer

A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. Of couse the famer is a blonde.

He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.

The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?"

The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."

"How?" asks the man, puzzled.

"Well, I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field!"

# Blonde and the Milkman

When the milkman read the note he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons, so knocked on the door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 15 gallons or 1.5 gallons?"

The blonde said, "I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath to make me more attractive."

The milkman replied, "Oh, OK. Pasteurized?"

The blonde looked at the milkman with a confused look on her face and said... "No. Just up to my boobs."

# Blonde Suicide

A blonde went to the emergency room with the tip of her left index finger blown off.

"How did this happen?" the doctor asked.

"Well I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied.

"Trying to commit suicide by shooting your finger?"

"No silly! First I put the gun to my chest and I thought, "I just paid $6,000 for these," then I put it in my mouth and I thought, "I just paid $4,000 to get my teeth straightened."

"So then I put the gun in my ear and I thought, "this is going to make a loud noise," so I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger?"

# May I See Your License

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.

She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys could get your act together. Just yesterday one of you takes away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!!"

# Blonde Back Pain

One day this Blonde walked into her doctors office.

"Doctor, Doctor I'm having these awlful pains in my back."

"Well let me take a look."

When the doctor examined her, he had a look of suprise on his face.

"This is amazing."

"What is is doctor?"

"I didn't know that the new Toyotas had ribbed leather rear seating!"

# Deodorant for my Husband

A blonde walks into a drug store, goes over to the deodorant display and tells the clerk: "I need to buy some deodorant for my husband."

"Does he use the ball kind?" inquired the clerk.

"No," replied the blonde, "the kind for under his arms."

# Blonde Orgasms **

A blonde and a brunette were sitting in a bar, having a few drinks and discussing their sex lives.

Brunette: "Last night I had three orgasms in a row !!"

Blonde: "That's nothing; last night I had twenty."

Brunette: "My god ! I have never found a guy who could do it twenty times in one night."

Blonde: "Oh, you meant with one guy. . . "

_** Risque_

# Going the Wrong Way

A policeman pulled a blonde over after she'd been driving the wrong way on a one-way street.

Cop: "Do you know where you were going?"

Blonde: "No, but wherever it is, it must be bad, cause all the people were leaving!"

# A Message to Mom **

A blonde goes into a world wide message center to send a message to her mother in Poland. The man tells her it will be $300. She exclaims, "I don't have any money, but I would do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother in Poland!!!"

To that the man asks, "Anything??"

And the blonde says, "Yes, anything!!"

With that, the man says, "Follow me."

He walks into the next room and tells her, "Come in and close the door."

She does.

He then says, "Get on your knees."

She does.

He then says, "Take down my zipper."

She does.

He then says, "Go ahead, take it out."

With that she takes it out and takes hold of it with both hands.

The man then says, "Well, go ahead!"

She brings her mouth closer to it, and while holding it close to her lips, she says, "Hello...Mom?"

_** Risque_

# Emergency Medical Call

Shortly after the 911 emergency number became available, an elderly and quite ill blonde appeared in a Rochester hospital emergency room, having driven herself to the hospital and barely managing to stagger in from the parking lot.

The horrified nurse said, "Why didn't you call the 911 number and get the paramedics to respond?"

The lady replied,"My phone doesn't have an eleven!"

# The Dead Bird

One day a burnette and a blonde were walking through the park.

All-of-a-sudden, the burnette stops and says "Awe, look at the poor dead bird."

The blonde looks up and says "Where!?"

# The Camping Trip

Sally, a blonde, goes on her first camping trip. Her husband, who was a Scout Leader, was sick so she volunteered to take over for him one weekend. She got everyone together and assigned different duties to each scout.

Gabby was responsible for the food supplies, Mike would be the cook this trip, Johnnie was responsible for their maps and making up a time schedule, Tim was to decide on their events, and to fit them into Johnnie's schedule and Sally would test all their equipment before setting out.

They arrived at Big Moose Mountain and everyone was excited. They arrived right on schedule and were getting ready for their first event - hiking up the mountain. But first, they wanted to get something to eat. So Sally asked Mike if he would prepare the meal and, of course, Mike said he would.

About 10 minutes later he came back and told Sally, "I can't make the supper. I can't light a fire with the matches you brought."

Sally replied, "I don't understand! Those matches should be perfectly fine. I tested them all just before we left."

# Christmas Stamps

A blonde woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.

"What Denomination?" Asked the clerk.

"Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?" said the woman. "Well give me 50 Baptist and 50 Catholic!"

# Nuns and the Vanpire

A brunette nun and a blonde nun were driving down the road at night when a scary vampire jumped out in front of their car, causing them to slam on the brakes. The brunette nun in the driver's seat panics, turns to the blonde nun in the passenger seat and says, "Quick, show him your cross."

So the blonde nun hastily rolls down her window and yells, "Get outta the way, you ugly big-toothed bastard!"

# Nun and the Camel **

A priest and a blonde nun were lost in the desert, riding on a camel. All of a sudden, the camel dies, and their only transportation is gone.

The nun and the priest are now doomed to die, and they decide to just sit and talk and confess some things ... during their conversations, they come across the subject of sex.

The nun then shyly speaks, "I am a virgin, and have never seen what is between a man's legs".

So the priest, being pretty confident about his size, whips it out, and tells her, "This is a tool ... the tool that gives life".

The blonde nun thinks for awhile, and says - "Well then just shove that thing up that dead camel's ass and we'll be back on our way!"

_** Risque_

# Blonde Auto Technician

Bob had gone to a new car dealership to look at the new models. When he returned to his car he noticed that he had locked his keys inside the car. The salesman who was working with Bob called the service department and they sent out a young blonde service technician with a special tool to open the car. The blonde technician said it would just be a few minutes so Bob went back into the showroom to have a cup of coffee and look at the new cars on the floor again.

When Bob returned to his car after about a half an hour, he found the blonde technician still working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. Then Bob noticed that the door lock lever on the passenger's side was up. He walked around the car, tried the door handle and discovered it was open.

"Hey," Bob announced to the technician, "it's open!"

"I know," answered the young blonde. "I already got that side..."

# The Blonde Pedestrian

A blonde and a brunette were walking along the street together. As they approached the crosswalk a loud buzzer sounded and the traffic light turned red.

"What is that buzzer for?" asked the blonde.

"Oh," replied the brunette," that's so blind people know when the light is turning red."

The blonde was appalled: "What on earth are blind people doing driving!" 

# Double Blonde Robbery

Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a blonde robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot", the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"

The suspect was also having good luck, as the victim, was also blonde, was unable to identify him in the lineup, even after the outburst.

# Almost Out of Paper

The blonde had just been hired as a clerk and was working very hard so she could be promoted to a secretarial position. One day she was typing and turned to a brunette secretary at the next desk.

"I'm almost out of typing paper," the blonde said. "What do I do?"

"Just use copy machine paper," said the brunette.

With that, the blonde took her last remaining piece of blank typing paper, put it in the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies!

# The Blonde and the RV

By the time the police chief arrived on the scene, there were already two patrol cars and an ambulance at the site of the accident. It was apparent that the forty foot rental RV had gone off the road and struck some trees before it had come to a stop.

The vehicle was badly dammaged but the blonde driver was still alive and concious. The chief approached the driver, introduced himself, and then asked the blonde what had happened.

"I'm not quite sure," said the blonde, "I was not at the wheel at the time of the accident."

"I don't understand," said the chief, " I was told that you were the only one in the vehicle."

"That's true," said the blonde, "I just set the cruise control an then went back to the kitchen to make myself a sandwich."

# Blonde Groom

The bride lay in bed on the first night of their honeymoon while her husband stood at the bedroom window, gazing at the stars.

"Come to bed, darling," she whispered after some time had passed.

"Not likely," replied the blonde groom, "my mother told me that this would be the best night of my life and I'm not going to miss a minute of it."

# Golf Balls

A man enters a bus, with both of his front pants pockets full of golf balls, and sits down next to a blonde. The blond kept looking quizzically at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."

The blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?

# Blonde Traffic Cop

A blonde female police officer pulls over a blonde gal for speeding. She walks up to the car and asks the blonde for her driver's license. The blonde driver searches through her purse in vain. Finally she asks, "What does it look like?"

The blonde police officer tells her, "It's a small rectangular thing with your picture on it."

The blonde driver searches for a few more seconds, pulls out her compact, opens it and sure enough sees herself. She hands the compact to the blonde cop.

After a few seconds looking at the compact, the blonde cop rolls her eyes, hands the compact back to the blonde convertible driver and says, "If you would have told me you were a police officer when I first pulled you over, we could have avoided this whole thing."

# Blonde Deer Hunter

A man takes his blonde wife hunting, and impresses on her again and again that "If you shoot a deer, don't let someone else claim that they shot it also and that since they killed it... it's their deer!"

So ... he's in his stand hardly for 10 minutes when he hears his wife shooting nearby. He rushes over to her stand to find her pointing her gun at a man who is loudly disclaiming... "It's your deer lady.. It's your deer... Just lemme get my saddle off it!!!!"

# Rejected Centerfold *

"Miss Jones, we can't employ you as a model," the editor from the men's magazine explained. "It's too obvious that your blonde hair isn't natural, since the hair between your legs is black."

The blonde model picked up a paperweight and slammed it down on the editor's fingers.

"What the hell did you do that for!" he exploded.

She smiled sweetly and said, "Look at your fingers. They're turning black, right? And they've only been banged once."

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Won Big in Vegas

A blonde drunk and a brunette drunk are sitting in a back alley sharing a cheap bottle of wine. The brunette bum tells the blonde that he was once a wealthy stock broker until the market went bad and then he lost all his money and his job as well. He then asks the blonde guy what his story was.

"Well," says the blonde bum, "I too was a successful businessman until I went to Las Vegas on a business convention and hit it big in a high stakes poker game. As soon as I got home, I moved out of my house and told my wife she could have the house, the car, and everything else. I had hated her for years and just wanted a quick divorce. Then I went to work the next morning, quit my job on the spot and told the boss what I really thought of him."

"So what about all the money you won in Vegas?" asks the bewildered brunette bum. "Are you sure that you won?"

"I can't figure that out either," says the blonde bum, "but I must have won, because I went to Vegas in a $25,000 car and came back in a $200,000 bus.

# Left the Iron On

Two blonde roomates went to the Mall together to go shopping. After about an hour at the mall, the first blonde says: "We have to get back to the appartment, I just remembered that I left the iron plugged in and our appartment may burn down."

"I wouldn't worry about that," says the second blonde.

"Why not?" says the first blonde.

"Because," says the second blonde, "I just remembered that I left the facet running."

# The Blonde Artist

A man requested that a blonde painter paint him in the nude.

"No," the talented blonde artist said. "I don't do that sort of thing.

"I'll double your fee," he said.

"No, no thanks!"

"I'll give five times as much as you normally get."

"Okay," said the artist, "but you have to let me at least wear my socks. I need somewhere to place my brushes."

# Is it Jimmy Hoffa?

A very large, old, building was being torn down in Chicago to make room for a new skyscraper. Due to its proximity to other buildings it could not be imploded and had to be dismantled floor by floor.

While working on the 49th floor, two construction workers found a skeleton in a small closet behind the elevator shaft.

They decided that they should call the police. When the police arrived they directed them to the closet and showed them the skeleton fully clothed and standing upright. They said, "This could be Jimmy Hoffa or somebody really important."

Two days went by and the construction workers couldn't stand it any more, they had to know who they had found. They called the police and said, "We are the two guys who found the skeleton in the closet and we want to know if it was Jimmy Hoffa or somebody important."

The police said, "It's not Jimmy Hoffa, but it was somebody kind of important."

"Well, who was it?"

"The 1956 Blonde National Hide-and-Seek Champion."

# She's a Lesbian

A blonde guy was sitting in a bar when he spots a very pretty young woman.

He advances towards her when the bartender says to him, "Don't waste your time on that one. She's a lesbian."

The blonde goes over to her anyway and says, "So which part of Lesbia are you from?" 

# This is a Library

A blonde went in the library and walked up to the librarian behind the desk and said, "I would like a cheeseburger."

The librarian replied, "Shh! This is a library!"

The blonde blushed. "oh, sorry.." then she whispered, "I would like a cheeseburger."

# Paternity Trial

At a paternity trial, the blonde's lawyer asked, "On the night of July 16th last, at approximately 11:45 p.m., in the locale known generally as 'Lover's Lane' did the defendant have sexual relations with you?"

"Yes," whispered the girl, her head bowed.

"And did the defendant on that occasion, to the best of your knowledge, have a climax?" the lawyer continued.

"Oh no," she replied, "I'm pretty sure... he had one of them fancy Mitsubishis."

# Dog with One Eye

Two blondes were walking down the road and the first blonde said, "Look at that dog with one eye!"

The other blonde covers one of her eyes and asks, "Where?"

# Help Us

Two blondes realize that their apartment is on fire and go out onto the balcony.

"Help, help!" yells one of the blondes.

"Help us, help us!" yells the other.

"Maybe it would help if we yelled together," said the first blonde.

"Good idea," said the other.

"Together, together!"

# Pedestrians and Catholics

The traffic light wasn't working on the corner of Broadway and 72nd Street, so the blonde stood with a large crowd of people waiting to cross, while a cop directed traffic.

Finally, the cop blew his whistle, motioned to the crowd, and shouted, "Okay, pedestrians!" The throng surged across Broadway -- all except the blonde, who stayed on the corner.

When the walkers were safely on the other side of the street, the cop moved the cross-traffic through the intersection. Half a minute later, he stopped the cars on Broadway and sent the 72nd Street traffic into motion.

Again, he got around to the blonde's corner, where by this time she had again been joined by a crowd of people.

Tweeeeeeeet! "Okay, pedestrians!"

The crowd crossed the street, but again the blonde stayed put. She looked at her watch and tapped her foot but never budged from the sidewalk.

Finally, after the cop yelled "Okay, pedestrians!" for the third time, the blonde shouted across traffic, "Yo! Officer! Isn't it about time you let the Catholics cross?"

# Blonde at a Football Game

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. Afterward he asked her how she liked the game.

"I liked it, but I couldn't understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents," she said.

"What do you mean?" he asked.

"Well, everyone kept yelling, "Get the quarter back!"

# No Fishing License

Three blondes were sitting by the side of a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water.

A game warden came up behind them, tapped one on the shoulder and said, "Excuse me, ladies, I'd like to see your fishing licenses."

"We don't have any." replied the first blonde.

"Well, if you're going to fish, you need fishing licenses."

"But officer," replied the second blonde, "we aren't fishing. We all have magnets at the end of our lines and we're collecting debris off the bottom of the river."

The warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were magnets tied on the end of each line.

"Well, I know of no law against it," said the warden, "take all the debris you want." And with that, he left.

As soon as he was out of sight, the three blondes started laughing hysterically.

"What a dumb cop," the second blonde said to the other two, "doesn't he know that there are steelhead trout in this river?!" 

# Pregnancy Test

The blonde had been married about a year when one day the she came running up to her husband jumping for joy.

Not knowing how to react, the husband started jumping up and down along with her. "Why are we so happy?" he asked.

She said, "Honey, I have some really great news for you!"

"Great" he said, "tell me what you're so happy about."

She stopped breathless from all the jumping up and down. "I'm pregnant!" she gasped.

The husband was ecstatic as they had been trying for a while. He grabbed her, kissed her, and started telling her how wonderful it was, and that he couldn't be happier.

Then she said "Oh, honey there's more."

"What do you mean more?", he asked.

"Well we are not having just one baby, we are going to have TWINS!"

Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, he asked her how she knew.

"It was easy" she said, "I went to the pharmacy and bought the 2 pack home pregnancy test kit and both tests came out positive!" 

# Lost My Ring

A cop saw a young blonde woman down on her knees under a streetlight. "Can I help you?" he asked.

Replied the woman, "I dropped my diamond ring and I'm looking for it."

Asked the cop "did you drop it right here?"

"No," responded the blonde, "I dropped it about a block away, but the light's better here."

# Blonde Millionaire

Regis: "Barbara, you've done very well so far - $500,000 and one lifeline left -- phone a friend.

The next question will give you the top prize of One Million dollars if you get it right ... but if you get it wrong you will drop back to $32,000 -- are you ready?"

Barbara: "Sure, I'll have a go!"

Regis: "Which of the following birds does not build it's own nest?

Is it....A-Robin...B-Sparrow...C-Cuckoo...or D-Thrush?

Remember Barbara its worth 1 Million dollars."

"I think I know who it..but I'm not 100%...No, I haven't got a clue. I'd like to phone a friend Regis, just to be sure.

Regis: "Yes, who, Barbara, do you want to phone?

Barbara: "I'll phone my friend Maggie back home in Birmingham."

Maggie (also a blonde): "Hello..."

Regis: "Hello Maggie, its Regis here from Who Wants to be a Millionaire-I have Barbara here and she is doing really well on $500,000, but needs your help to be a Million.

The next voice you hear will be Barbara's and she'll read you the question.

There are 4 possible answers and 1 correct answer and you have 30 seconds to answer -- fire away Barbara."

Barbara: "Maggie, which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it:

A-Robin...B-Sparrow...C-Cuckoo...or D-Thrush?

Maggie: "Oh Gees, Barbara that's simple.....It's a Cuckoo."

Barbara: "You think?"

Maggie: "I'm sure."

Barbara: " Thanks Maggie." (hangs up)

Regis: "Well, do you want to stick on $500,000 or play on for the Million, Barbara?"

Barbara: "I want to play, I'll go with C-Cuckoo"

Regis: "Is that your final answer?"

Barbara: "It is."

Regis: "Are you confident?"

Barbara: "Yes fairly, Maggie's a sound bet."

Regis: "Barbara.....you had $500,000 and you said C-Cuckoo ...you're right! - You have just won ONE MILLION DOLLARS.

Here is your check. You have been a great contestant and a real gambler. Audience please put your hands together for Barbara."

That night Barbara calls round to Maggie and brings her down to a local bar for a celebration drink and, as they are sipping their Champagne, Barbara turns to Maggie and asks "Tell me Maggie, How in God's name did you know that it was the Cuckoo that does not build its own nest?

Maggie: "Listen Barbara, everybody knows that a Cuckoo lives in a clock."

# Defective Bird Dog

Two blondes suddenly got into bird hunting and were eager to try it out for themselves.

They had read that a birddog is a great and useful accessory in bird hunting, so they decided to go to the pet shop and buy one. They asked for a well-trained bird dog, and got one.

The two blondes immediately went to the woods to try it out. The dog didn't work. No matter how hard they tried, it just didn't follow their commands.

They became really frustrated and one of the blondes said to her companion, "Okay, we'll give him one more try.

We'll throw him in the air one more time and if he doesn't fly, we're taking him back to the store!" 

# Two Blondes

One day two blondes walked into a tanning salon. One blonde said, " A tan for two please!"

The cashier said, " Ok," filled out a form for them and asked, "are you two sisters?"

They chuckled and replied, " No, we aren't even Catholic."

# Blonde School Counselor

A blonde named Sandy began a job as an elementary school counselor and she was eager to help. One day during recess she noticed a girl standing by herself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other.

The blonde approached and asked if she was all right. The girl said she was.

A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the girl was in the same spot, still by herself. Approaching again, Sandy offered, "Would you like me to be your friend?"

The girl hesitated, then said, "Okay," looking at the woman suspiciously.

Feeling she was making progress, Sandy then asked, "Why are you standing here all alone?"

"Because," the little girl said with great exasperation, "I'm the goalie!"

# Blonde Casualty

A guy walks into a coffee shop and sees President Bush and Colin Powell sitting together. He introduces himself and asks President Bush, "How goes the War effort, Sir?"

President Bush answers, "We're getting ready to kill 40 million Iraqi's and one blonde."

The guy asks in astonishment, "Why are you killing one blonde?"

President Bush turns to Colin Powell and says, "See, I told you people wouldn't care about the Iraqi's."

# Blonde Math

One day, a brunette was skipping on some train tracks singing "21, 21, 21, 21,...''''

Along came a blonde who thought it looked like fun. So she joined in and started singing "21, 21, 21, 21," and then a train came.

The brunette jumped off the tracks but the train ran over the blonde.

The brunette got back on the train tracks and started singing "22, 22, 22, 22,..."

# Flight Information

A blonde rings up an airline. She asks, "How long are your flights from America to England?"

The woman on the other end of the phone says, "Just a minute..."

The blonde says, "Thanks!" and hangs up the phone

# The Blonde Juror *

At a rape trial the young victim was asked by the D.A. what the defendant said before the alleged assault. Too embarrassed to answer aloud, the victim asked if she could write out the answer.

After reading the note, the judge instructed the jury foreman to read it and pass it among the rest of the jurors.

One juror, a blonde woman who had dozed off, was nudged by the male juror sitting next to her. She took the note from him and read, "I'm going to fuck you like you've never been fucked before."

The blonde smiled at the man and slipped the note in her purse.

"Will juror number twelve please pass the note to me?" ordered the judge.

"I can't, Your Honor," the blonde answered. "It's personal."

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Something on Your Cheek

A blonde was out on a date with a new boyfriend. Wanting to impress his new girlfriend, the guy had taken the blonde to a very classy restaurant.

As they were completing their meal, the guy noticed that the blonde had something on her left cheek said "You have something on your cheek."

So the blonde took her napkin wiped it on her right cheek.

Then her date said, "No, the other side."

So she reached into her mouth with the napkin and wiped the other side.

# Mystery Stain **

A redhead, a brunette, and a blonde are riding in an elevator.

The redhead notices a spot on the elevator wall and says, "That looks like a cum stain!"

The brunette leans over and smells the stain. "Smells like a cum stain too!"

The blonde leans over and licks the spot on the elevator wall, then says, "Yep, but it's nobody from this building."

_** Risque_

# A Very Painful Sunburn *

To prepare for his big date, a young man went to the rooftop of his apartment to work on his tan. Not wanting any tan lines, he sunbathed in the nude but fell asleep and burned his penis.

Not wanting to miss out on his date with the hot blonde, he applied some ointment to his manhood and wrapped it in gauze. The blonde showed up at his apartment and after dinner they went into the living room to watch a movie.

During the movie, the young man's sunburn began to hurt. After several minutes of extreme discomfort, he asked to be excused.

A friend had told him that milk was very effective in reducing sunburn pain. So he went to the kitchen, poured a tall glass of cold milk, and placed his sunburned member into the milk. He experienced immediate relief.

The blonde, wondering what the young man was doing, wandered into the kitchen and found him with his shaft fully immersed in the glass of milk. With a look of understanding the blonde exclaimed, "So that's how you load those things!"

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Inseminate the Cow

A farmer is giving his new, blonde wife last-minute instructions before heading to town to do chores.

"That fellow from Sematol will be along this afternoon to inseminate one of the cows. I've hung a nail by the right stall so you'll know which one I want him to impregnate."

Satisfied that even his mentally challenged blonde wife could understand the instructions, the farmer left for town.

That afternoon, the 'Inseminator' arrives, and the wife dutifully takes him out to the barn and directly to the stall with the nail.

"This is the cow right here," she tells him.

"What's the nail for?" the guy asks.

"I guess it's to hang your pants on," says the blonde.

# A Blonde with Goldfish

A blonde had some goldfish and she did not know how to feed them. So she called her brunette friend, and she showed her how.

Once they were done feeding them, the blonde said, ''Now, what do I give them to drink?''

# Blonde Friday

A businessman got on an elevator in a building. When he entered the elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by reciting the letters, "T-G-I-F."

He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T."

She looked at him, Puzzled, and said "T-G-I-F" again.

He acknowledged her remark again by answering, "S-H-I-T."

The blonde was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said, as sweetly as possible, "T-G-I-F" another time.

The man smiled back to her and once again replied with a Quizzical expression, "S-H-I-T."

The blonde finally decided to explain things, and this time she said, "T-G-I-F, Thank Goodness it's Friday, get it?"

The man answered,"S-H-I-T: Sorry Honey, its Thursday."

# Blondes and a Mustang

There were two blondes, and they had just come from a store. The blonde that owned the mustang had locked her keys in the car. She was trying to pick the lock when she stopped to rest for a second.

When she sat down on the curb, her friend said, "Hurry up, it's starting to rain and the tops down!"

# Blonde and the Shrink **

A very well-built, young, blonde lady was lying on her Psychiatrist's couch, telling him how frustrated she was.

"I tried to be an actress and failed," she complained. "I tried to be a secretary and failed. I tried being a writer and failed. I tried being a sales clerk and I failed at that, too."

The shrink thought for a moment and said, "Everyone needs to live a full, satisfying life. Why don't you try nursing?"

The girl thinks about this, then bares one of her large, beautiful breasts, points it at the shrink, and says, "Well, Go ahead. I'll give it a try!"

_** Risque_

# Return to Sender

A blonde hooker is speaking to her psychiatrist: "I'm on the road a lot, and my clients are complaining that they can never reach me."

Psychiatrist: "Don't you have a phone in your car?"

Blonde: "That was a little too expensive, so I did the next best thing. I put a mailbox in my car."

Psychiatrist: "Uh ... How's that working?"

Blonde: "Actually, I haven't gotten any letters yet."

Psychiatrist: "And why do you think that is?"

Blonde: "I figure it's because when I'm driving around, my zip code keeps changing."

# Broken Baby Scale

At a pharmacy, a blonde asked to use the infant scale to weigh the baby she held in her arms.

The clerk explained that the device was out for repairs, but said that she would figure the infant's weight by weighing the woman and baby together on the adult scale, then weighing the mother alone and subtracting the second amount from the first.

"That won't work," countered the blonde. "I'm not the mother, I'm the aunt."

# Name That Tune

There was a blonde named Kelsey. Her arch enemy was a red-head named Jessica.

Jessica was trying to annoy Kelsey by singing," I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves, everybody's nerves, everybody's nerves. I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves and this is how it goes."

After Jessica sang this to Kelsey 5 more times Kelsey said," Ok. Ok. Alright already. What's the song?"

# Fixing the Roof

There two redheads and one blonde attempting to fix the roof on a barn. While they are on the roof, a herd of cattle run by and knock down the ladder and leave a big pile of poop behind.

The 2 redheads decide that they should make the blonde go first, to check how deep the poop is so they can jump down.

So the blonde jumps down and yells, "It's only ankle deep."

So the two redheads jump down and scream, "What are you talking about?! It's up to our heads!"

And the blonde replies, "Well, I jumped in head first."

# Chapter 5

# Cafe & Restaurant Jokes

Illustration by Terry Eade

Some of the jokes in this chapter may appear in other chapters. For example a joke about a cannibal in a restaurant may appear here and in the Caninibal & Jungle Jokes section. However, the jokes will have the same title in both chapters. The illustration above was drawn by the author and is protected by copyright.

The jokes have been annotated by an asterisk (*) for those which have language or content you may find offensive, a double asterisk (**) for those which are risque, and a triple asterisk (***) for those which may not be suitable for mixed company. Those jokes without annotation are more suitable for general audiences and usually more appropriate for speaking engagements. Viewer discretion is recommended.

# Efficient Restaurant *

Fred and his wife had just gone to a new restaurant. A very attentive waiter came to their table immediately and took their order on a small electronic device.

"What's that?" Fred inquired.

With obvious pride in his voice, the waiter explained "this device enables me to take your order without writing up a ticket. It immediately sends the order to the kitchen so that they can begin preparing it and also creates a record with the cashier so you can pay your bill and leave whenever it's convenient. It has cut down on mistakes, delays, and of course the need for order slips and totaling up the bill at the cashiers station."

Fred was quite impressed with the system, as he was with the fact that their meal arrived promptly and was cooked just as they had specified. As they were starting their meal, Fred knocked his spoon on the floor. A few seconds later the waiter appeared to freshen their coffee and inquired if they needed anything else. Fred asked the waiter if he could get a new spoon, as he had knocked his on the floor. Without hesitation, the waiter reached in his back pocket and produced a new spoon. Now Fred was really impressed and spent most of the rest of the meal telling his wife how efficient this restaurant was.

After the meal, Fred's wife went to the ladies room while he paid the bill. As he had expected, there was no line and his payment was quick and did not require any entry or tax calculation at the cash register. Fred was so pleased that he stepped into the manager's office to tell him how impressed he was with the whole operation.

"Thanks for your feedback" said the manager, "I am an industrial engineer by trade and have tried to use technology and efficiency techniques to continuously improve the service and quality here. Why just last week I introduced a new procedure which has saved several hours a week in lost employee time. You see whenever an employee goes to the restroom they are required by law to wash and dry their hands, when you consider all of the cooks and waiters we have here that is quite a bit of time every day."

"How do you get around that?" asked Fred.

"Well for the male employees, which is the majority of our staff, we have them tie a string on their penis before their shift begins, and then when they need to take a pee they just unzip their fly and pull out their penis with the string. Since they never actually touch their penis, they don't need to wash and dry their hands," says the manager.

"That's a great idea" says Fred "but how do they get their penis back into their pants?"

"Oh," responds the manager "we have them each carry a spoon in their back pocket."

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Bad Service *

Bob walks into a small cafe and orders a meal. When the waitress brings his coffee he notices that she has her thumb stuck in his coffee. He thinks this must really be a dive, but drinks his coffee and dismisses the matter.

Next the waitress brings him the soup and this time her thumb is in his soup. Bob is getting aggravated and thinks about asking her to take it back and bring him another bowl, but he is in a hurry and doesn't want the hassle. So he again dismisses the matter and eats his soup.

Finally his main course arrives and he sees that the waitress has her thumb in his gravy. By now he has lost his patience and is not just going to ignore the matter again. "What the hell is with you?" Bob growls, " You've had your thumb in my coffee, then in my soup, and now in my gravy. This is the worst service I've ever had and I'm going to report you to the Manager."

"I'm sorry sir," says the waitress "please don't report me I'm a single mother and I need the work."

"Then why don't you be more careful?, Bob responds.

The waitress, now in tears, says "I injured my thumb last week and the doctor told me to keep heat on it, but I couldn't afford to take time off work so I could soak it in hot water. The only way I can work and still keep it warm is to stick it in the food I'm serving."

Still seething mad, Bob retorts "Why don't you stick it up your ass."

The waitress sobs "I do, between orders."

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Who Was That Woman?

A married couple was enjoying a dinner in a classy restaurant, when a statuesque brunette walked over to their table, exchanged warm greetings with the husband, and walked off.

"Who was that?" the wife demanded.

"If you must know," the husband replied, "that was my mistress."

"Your mistress!? That's it! I want a divorce!" the wife fumed.

The husband looked her straight in the eye and said, "Are you sure you want to give up our big house in the suburbs, your Mercedes, your furs, your jewelry, and our vacation home in Mexico?"

For a long time they continued dining in silence. Finally, the woman nudged her husband and said, "Isn't that Howard over there? Who's he with?"

"That's HIS mistress," her husband replied.

"Oh," she said, taking a bite of dessert. "Our's is much cuter."

# Got any Water?

An Arab was walking through the Sahara desert, desperate for water, then he saw something, far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he walked towards the image, only to find a little old Jewish man sitting at a card table with a bunch of neckties laid out on it.

The Arab asked, "Please, I'm dying of thirst, can I have some water?"

The man replied "I don't have any water, but why don't you buy a tie? Here's one that goes nicely with your robes."

The Arab shouted, "I don't want a tie, you idiot, I need water!"

"OK, don't buy a tie. But to show you what a nice guy I am, I'll tell you that over that hill there, about 5 miles, is a nice restaurant my brother runs. Walk that way, they'll give you all the water you want."

The Arab thanked him and walked away towards the hill and eventually disappeared.

Three hours later the Arab came crawling back to where the man was sitting behind his card table. He said "I told you, about 5 miles over that hill. Couldn't you find it?"

The Arab rasped "I found it alright. They wouldn't let me in without a tie."

# Chinese Jews

Sid and Al are Jews and were sitting in a Chinese restaurant. Sid asked Al, "Are there any Jews in China?"

"I don't know," Sid replied. "Why don't we ask our Chinese waiter?"

When the waiter came by, Al asked him, "Are there any Chinese Jews?" He said "I don't know sir, let me ask," and he went into the kitchen.

He returned in a few minutes and said, "No, sir. No Chinese Jews."

"Areyou sure?" Al asked.

"I will check again, sir." replied the waiter, then went back to the kitchen.

While he was still gone, Sid said, "I cannot believe there are no Jews in China, Our people are scattered everywhere."

When he returned Al said, "Sir, no Chinese Jews."

"Are you really sure?" Al asked again. "I cannot believe there are no Chinese Jews."

Exasperated, the waiter frantically said "Sir, I ask everyone!" "We have orange jews, prune jews, tomato jews and grape jews, but no one ever hear of Chinese jews!"

# Directions to the Restroom

The headwaiter of a five-star, elegant restaurant recoiled in disgust as a redneck biker in muddy boots, torn jeans, a dirty leather jacket, with long, stringy dirty hair, and a beard full of old crumbs of food marched right towards him.

The man said, "Yo, bucko, where's your crapper?"

The headwaiter calmly replied, "Go down the hall and turn left. When you see the sign marked 'Gentlemen', pay absolutely no attention to it and go right inside."

# Out-of-Town Dining

A Texan, a Russian, and a New Yorker go into a restaurant in London.

''Excuse me, but if you wanted the steak you might not get one as there is a shortage due to the mad cow disease,'' says the waiter.

The Texan says, ''What's a shortage?''

The Russian says, ''What's a steak?''

The New Yorker says, ''What's excuse me?'

# Japanese Pizza

An American businessman goes to Japan on a business trip, but he hates Japanese food, so he asks the concierge at his hotel if there's any place around where he can get American food. The concierge tells him he's in luck; there's a pizza place that just opened, and they deliver. The concierge gives the businessman the phone number, and he goes back to his room and orders a pizza.

Thirty minutes later, the delivery guy shows up to the door with the pizza. The businessman takes the pizza, and starts sneezing uncontrollably. He asks the delivery man, ''What the heck did you put on this pizza?''

The delivery man bows deeply and says, ''We put on the pizza what you ordered, pepper only."

# Fat Free French Fries

A man stopped at a fast food restaurant. He was fascinated by a sign which offered fat free french fries and decided to give them a try. He was dismayed when the clerk pulled a basket of fries from the fryer which were dripping with fat. The clerk then filled a bag with these fries and put them the man's order.

"Just a minute!" the man said. "Those aren't fat free."

"Yes, they are. We only charge for the potatoes... The fat is free!"

# Sharing a Meal

A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at Burger King. He notices that they ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries. One for him, one for her, until each had half of them. Then he poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup, and set it in front of his wife. The old man began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap.

The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn't have to split theirs.

The old gentleman said, "Oh, no. We've been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50."

The young man than asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied, "Not yet. It's his turn to use the teeth."

# Something in Your Ear

Two elderly men were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning.

Ed noticed something funny about Joe's ear. He said, "Joe did you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?"

"I have!? A suppository?"

He pulled it out and stared at it. Then he said, "Ed, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is."

# A Bad Burger

A man walks into a cheap restraurant and orders a hamburger, which is the special of the day. When the waitress brings his burger he takes a bite out of it, and notices there's a small hair in the hamburger. He immediately begins yelling at the waitress, "Waitress, there's a hair in my hamburger! I demand to see what is going on in the kitchen!"

So, the waitress takes him back where the cook is and to his surprise, he sees the cook take the meat patty and flatten it under his arm pit. He says, "That's the most disgusting thing I've ever seen!"

Then the waitress says, "You think that's disgusting you should come back in the morning and see him make donuts."

# No Menu Please **

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu. "I'm sorry, Sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer, I'll smell it and order from there." A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty pile and picks up a greasy fork. he returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.

"Ah, yes, that's what I'll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes."

Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife and he tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves.

Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakingly brings him a menu again. "Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man." "I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork." The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man. After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great, I'll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli." Once again walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him.The blind man eats and leaves.

He returns the following week, but this time the owner see's him coming and runs to the kitchen.

He tells his wife, "Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man." Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting. "Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you." The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says, "Hey, I didn't know that Mary worked here?"

_** Risque_

# Presidential Lunch

George W. Bush and Dick Cheney go into a local diner for lunch. As they read the menu the waitress comes over and asks George, "Are you ready to order?"

George replies, "Yes, I'd like a quickie."

"A quickie?!?" the waitress replies. "Sir, have yoou forgotten what happened to Bill Clinton. It's bad enough that people think you're stupid, if they think you are cheating on your wife, they will run you out of office for sure. I'll come back when you are ready to order from the menu."

After she walks away, Cheney leans over to Bush and says, "George, it's pronounced 'Quiche.'"

# Panda in a Restaurant

A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the manager shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!" The panda yells back at the manager, "Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!"

The manager opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda:

"A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."

# Lunch and Marriage

Bill and Fred are having lunch together one day at the local cafe. Bill says, "You know getting married is a lot like ordering your lunch."

"How is that?" says Fred.

"Well," says Bill, "everyone gets to chose what he wants and after he gets it he wishes he had ordered what the other fellow got."

# Satisfaction Guaranteed

A customer walks into a restaurant and notices a large sign on the wall:

$100 IF WE FAIL TO FILL YOUR ORDER!

When his waitress arrives, he orders zebra dung and yak cheese on rye.

She calmly writes down his order and walks into the kitchen where all hell breaks loose!

The restaurant owner comes storming out of the kitchen. He runs up to the customer's table, slaps five $20 bills down on it and says, -

"You got me that time buddy, but I want you to know that's the first time in ten years we've been out of rye bread!"

# Indian in the Cafe

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other.

He says to the waiter, "Me want coffee." The waiter says, "Sure chief, coming right up." He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee.

The Indian drinks it down in one gulp, picks up the bucket, throws the manure into the air and blasts it with the shotgun, then walks out.

Four days later the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand and another bucket of manure in the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Me want coffee."

The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto, we're still cleaning up from the last time you were in here. What the heck was all that about, anyway?"

The Indian says, "Me in training for Executive Management job....drink coffee, shoot the shit, and disappear for a few days."

# The Wild Implant *

Jack goes to the doctor and says "Doc I'm having trouble getting my penis erect, can you help me?"

After a complete examination the doctor tells Jack, "Well the problem is that the muscles around the base of your penis are damaged. There's really nothing I can do for you unless you're willing to try an experimental treatment."

Jack asks sadly, "And that would be?"

"Well," the Doctor explains, "What we would do is take the muscles from the trunk of a baby elephant and implant them in your penis."

Jack thinks about it silently then says, "Well the thought of going through life without ever having sex again is too much, let's go for it."

Jack went under the knife, and, after a period of recovery and healing, returned to the Doc for his blessing. Following the examination, the Doc pronounced Jack "healed and ready for action".

Eager to use his experimentally enhanced equipment, Jack planned a romantic evening for his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in town, anticipating a happy conclusion to the evening.

In the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legs that continued to the point of being painful.

To release the pressure, Jack placed his napkin on his lap and unzipped his fly. His penis immediately sprung from his pants, flipped the napkin on the floor, went to the top of the table, grabbed a bread roll and then returned to his pants!

His girlfriend was stunned at first but then, imagining the possibilities, said with a sly smile and a gleam in her eye, "That was incredible! Can you do it again?"

Jack groaned, "Probably, but I don't think I can fit another roll in my ass."

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Exceptional Service

A waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered with his thumb over the meat.

"Are you crazy?" yelled the customer, "You have your hand on my steak!"

"What?" answers the waiter, "You want it to fall on the floor again?"

# Very Patient Waiter

A customer was bothering the waiter in a restaurant. First he asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down cause he was too cold and so on for about half an hour. Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, he walked back and forth and never once got angry.

So finally a second customer asked him why he didn't throw out the pest.

"Oh I don't care." said the waiter with a smile, "We don't even have an air conditioner"

# Campaigning Tips

A couple of opposing candidates for county office happened to be sitting next to each other in the local diner.

One turned to the other and said, "You know why I'm going to win this election? Because of my 'personal touch.' For example, I always tip waitresses really well and then ask them to vote for me."

"Oh, really?" replied the other. "I always tip them a nickel and ask them to vote for you."

# Something on Your Cheek

A blonde was out on a date with a new boyfriend. Wanting to impress his new girlfriend, the guy had taken the blonde to a very classy restaurant.

As they were completing their meal, the guy noticed that the blonde had something on her left cheek said "You have something on your cheek."

So the blonde took her napkin wiped it on her right cheek.

Then her date said, "No, the other side."

So she reached into her mouth with the napkin and wiped the other side.

# Chapter 6

# Cannibal & Jungle Jokes

Illustration by Terry Eade

Some of the jokes in this chapter may appear in other chapters. For example a joke about a doctor in the jungle may appear here and in the Medical & Hospital Jokes section. However, the jokes will have the same title in both chapters. The illustration above was drawn by the author and is protected by copyright.

The jokes have been annotated by an asterisk (*) for those which have language or content you may find offensive, a double asterisk (**) for those which are risque, and a triple asterisk (***) for those which may not be suitable for mixed company. Those jokes without annotation are more suitable for general audiences and usually more appropriate for speaking engagements. Viewer discretion is recommended.

# The Full Meal Deal

Two cannibals, a father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out and get something to eat. They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path, Before long, along came this little old man.

The son said, "Oh dad, there's one."

"No," said the father. "There's not enough meat on that one to even feed the dogs. We'll just wait."

Well, a little while later, along came this really fat man.

The son said, "Hey dad, he's plenty big enough."

"No," the father said. "We'd all die of a heart attack from the fat in that one. We'll just wait."

About an hour later, here comes this absolutely gorgeous woman.

The son said, "Now there's nothing wrong with that one dad. Let's eat her."

"No," said the father. "We'll not eat her either."

"Why not?" asked the son.

"Because, we're going to take her back alive and eat your mother.

# Cannibal Feast *

Two hungry cannibals are walking through the forest when they see a man who had recently passed away.

One cannibal says, "Look at this! You start at the feet and I'll start at the head and we'll meet in the middle."

So the two cannibals start eating.

After a half an hour one stops eating, looks up, and says, "I don't know about you, but this is great! How are you doing?"

The other cannibal answers, "This is great! I'm havin' a ball!"

The other cannibal says, "Hey, no fair! You're eating too fast!"

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Take Your Pick

Cannibals in the jungles of Borneo captured three explorers. Tom, Dick and Harry. The cannibal chief says to them, "If you pass the tribal test we will let you live. Go into the jungle and gather 10 items of the same fruit". So the three guys scamper into the woods, and Tom comes back first with 10 apples.

The Chief explains the trial to him: "You must shove the fruits up your butt without any sound or expression on your face or you will be eaten."

The first apple was ok, but Tom winced in pain on the second apple, and was promptly killed and went to heaven (he was a good explorer).

Dick comes back with 10 berries, and the chief explains the trial to him as well. Dick doesn't think it should be too tough, and begins. 1. 2. 3. 4. 5.6.7.8. But on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and is killed.

Tom and Dick meet in heaven, where Tom asks, "Dick, why did you laugh? You almost got away with it!"

Dick replied, "I couldn't help it. I looked up and saw Harry coming with an armload of pineapples.

# We can Rebuild Him *

Tarzan gets in a terrible fight with a ferocious lion, and loses an eye, and arm, and his dick. The animals of the jungle nurse Tarzan back to health. They give him the eye of a hawk, the arm of a gorilla, and and for a pecker, they give him a baby elephant's trunk.

After about a week, Cheetah comes up to Tarzan and says, "Tarzan, how do you like your new parts?"

Tarzan says, "Eye good...Tarzan see far, clear... arm good...long, strong....but Tarzan not to crazy about new weinie.... all day long, pick up weeds, stuff up Tarzan's ass."

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Jungle Romance *

A big game hunter named Clyde and his assistant Arnie have received a contract from a zoo to go into the jungle of Africa and trap a number of animals for the zoo. After a couple of months away from civilization things start to get a little tense.

One night Clyde says to Arnie, "I'm so horney I'm going to screw that big female gorilla we have in the cage."

"That could be dangerous," says Arnie "and she might even get escape."

But Clyde has an Idea. So they take the gorilla out of the cage and stake her out on the ground with a rope tied to each of her hands and legs and staked securely to the ground. Then Clyde climbs on and attempts to relieve his pent up stress. After a few minutes Clyde says "This is just not working, she is just too ugly."

"I have an idea," says Arnie and he runs to the tent and gets a bag to put over the gorilla's head.

With the bag over the gorilla's head things are much better and once again Clyde is having sex with the gorilla and they are both getting quite excited. The gorilla is so excited she pulls out the stake on one of her arms and is now crushing Clyde into her chest.

"Pull it off, Pull it off," screams Clyde with great urgency.

Arnie, who is pulling on the rope with all his strength responds "I can't she is just too strong."

"Not her arm," says Clyde "pull off the bag, I want to kiss her!!"

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# A Down Under Virgin

An American woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man who has never been with a woman sexually.

After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad. She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian Outback. And after a long-distance courtship, they decide to get married.

On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the festivities. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner.

"What happened?" she asks.

"I've never been with a woman," he says. "But if it's anything like screwing a kangaroo I'm gonna need all the room I can get!

# The Amazon Adventure

An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a blood thirsty group of natives. Upon surveying his situation, he says quietly to himself, ''I'm screwed.''

There is a ray of light from the sky and a voice booms out: ''No you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone in front of you and bash the head of the chief.''

So the explorer picks up the stone and proceedes to bash in the head of the chief. He is breathing heavily while standing above the lifeless body. Surrounding him are the 100 native warriors with a look of shock on their faces.

The voice booms out again: ''Okay.......NOW you're screwed!'

# The Old Explorer

A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most frightening experience he had ever had.

The old explorer said, "Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of India. I was on a narrow path and my faithful native gunbearer was behind me. Suddenly the largest tiger I have ever seen leaped onto the path in front of us. I turned to get my weapon only to find the native had fled. The tiger leapt toward me with a mighty ROARRRR! I soiled myself."

The reporter said, "Under those circumstances anyone would have done the same."

The old explorer said, "No, not then - just now when I went 'ROARRRR!'"

# Chinese Torture *

A man is out in the Chinese jungle and he's hopelessly lost. It's been nearly three weeks since he's eaten anything besides what he could forage and he's been reduced to sleeping in caves and under trees.

One afternoon he comes upon an old mansion in the jungle. It has vines covering most of it and the man can't see any other buildings in the area. However, he sees smoke coming out of the chimney implying someone is home.

He knocks on the door and an old man answers, with a beard almost down to the ground. The old man squints his eyes and says "What do you want?"

The man says "I've been lost for the past three weeks and haven't had a decent meal or sleep since that time. I would be most gracious if I could have a meal and sleep in your house for tonight"

The old Chinese man says "I'll let you come in on one condition: You cannot mess around with my granddaughter"

The man, exhausted and hungry readily agrees, saying "I promise I won't cause you any trouble. I'll be on my way tomorrow morning"

The old Chinese man counters "Ok, but if I do catch you then I'll give you the three worst Chinese torture tests ever known to man."

"Ok, Ok" the man said as he entered the old house. Besides, he thought to himself, what kind of woman would live out in the wilderness all her life?

That night, when the man came down to eat, he saw how beautiful the granddaughter was. She was an absolute pearl, and while he had only been lost three weeks, it had been many, many months without companionship. And the girl had only seen the occasional monk besides her grandfather and they both couldn't keep their eyes off each other throughout the meal.

That night, the man snuck into the girls' bedroom and they had quite a time, but had kept the noise down to a minimum.

The man crept back to his room later that night thinking to himself, "Any three torture tests would be worth it after that experience."

The next morning the man awoke to find a heavy weight on his chest. He opened his eyes and there was this huge rock on his chest. On the rock was a sign saying "1st Chinese torture test: 50 kg rock on your chest".

"What a lame torture test" the man thought to himself as he got up and walked over to the window. He opened the shutter and threw the rock out. On the backside of the rock is another sign saying "2nd worst Chinese torture test: Rock tied to right testicle".

The man, seeing the rock was too far out the window to be grabbed, jumps out the window after the rock. Outside the window is a third sign saying "3rd worst Chinese torture test: left testicle tied to bedpost".

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# A Slight Accent

An African chieftain flew to the United States to visit the president. When he arrived at the airport, a host of newsmen and television cameramen met him. One of the reporters asked the chief if he had a comfortable flight.

The chief made a series of weird noises, "screech, scratch, honk, buzz, whistle, z-z-z-z-" and then added in perfect English, "Yes, I had a very nice flight."

Another reporter asked, "Chief, do you plan to visit the Washington Monument while you're in the area?"

The chief made the same noises, "screech, scratch, honk, buzz, whistle, z-z-z-z" and then said, "Yes, and I also plan to visit the White House and the Capitol Building."

"Where did you learn to speak such flawless English?" asked the next reporter. The chief replied, "Screech, scratch, honk, buzz, whistle,z-z-z-z - from the short-wave radio.

# The Deserted Island

On a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded: 2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman, 2 French men and 1 French woman, 2 German men and 1 German woman, 2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman, 2 English men and 1 English woman, 2 Polish men and 1 Polish woman, 2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman, 2 Australian men and 1 Australian woman, 2 New Zealander men and 1 New Zealander woman, 2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman, 2 American men and 1 American woman. One month later, the following things have occurred....

One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

The two French men and the French woman are living happily together, having loads of sex.

The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with the German woman.

The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.

The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.

The Polish men took a long look at the endless ocean and one look at the Polish woman and they started swimming.

The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are waiting for instructions.

The two Australian men beat each other senseless fighting over the Australian woman, who called them both "bloody wankers" and is checking out all the other men.

Both New Zealand men are searching the island for sheep.

The Irish began by dividing the island into North and South and setting up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few liters of coconut whiskey, but they are satisfied in that at least the English are not getting any.

The American woman keeps on bitching about her body being her own, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything that they can do, about the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how her last boyfriend respected her opinions and treated her much nicer and how her relationship with her mother is improving. The two American men have committed suicide

# Cannibal Cafe

A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant opened by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu...

Broiled Missionary: $25.00

Fried Explorer: $35.00

Baked Politician: $100.00.

The cannibal called the waiter over and asked , "Why such a price difference for the politician?"

"I don't know," says the waiter, " but I'll ask the cook."

A few minutes later the cook came to the cannibal's table and says, "Have you ever tried to clean a politician?"

# Blonde Explorer

There were three female explorers who decided that they would go explore the African jungle together. One blonde, one brunnette and one redhead.

They were near the middle of the jungle when a rare african tribe surrounded them. The tribe said that the gods have sent them evil things and that the explorers should be killed. The tribe was going to shoot them with a bow and arrow one at a time.

First they were going to shoot at the brunnette. She stepped up and the chief called "Ready, aim ... ", but before they could shoot she yelled "TORNADO" and everyone ducked and lay down on the ground and the brunnette ran way while they ducked. The tribe got mad and swore but did not go after her.

Then the redneck stepped up and the chief called "Ready, aim ....", but before they could shoot she screeched "FLOOD" and everyone jumped and climbed up the nearest tree. The redhead took advantage and ran away. They got really mad and swore but did not go after her.

They didn't like people yelling fake incidents. Then the blonde stepped up and she thought that yelling a mother nature disaster was a good idea. Once again the chief called out "ready, aim..."and the blonde yelled "FIRE!"

# Ten Lashes with a Whip

Three men are traveling in the Amazon: a Canadian, an American, and a Mexican. They get captured by a fierce tribe of Amazons. The tribe leader tells them they will be whipped for entering their territory.

The tribe chief says to the Candian, "What do you want on your back for your whipping?"

The Canadian responds, "I will take oil!"

So they put oil on his back, and a large Amazon whips him ten times. When he is finished the Canadian has these huge welts on his back, and he can hardly move.

The Amazons haul the Canadian away, and say to the Mexican, "What do you want on your back?"

"I will take nothing!, I will take my punishment like a real man!" says the Mexican, and he boldly stands there and takes his ten lashings without a single flinch.

Finally, it's the Yank's turn and the tribal chief asks: "What will you take on your back?"

And he responds - " I'll take the Mexican! "

# The Texan's Revenge

A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a Texan were captured by cannibals.

The chief comes to them and says, "the bad news is that now that we've caught you, we're going to kill you. We will put you in a pot and cook you, eat you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die."

The Frenchman says, "I take ze sword." The chief gives him a sword, he says, "Vive la France!" and runs himself through.

The Englishman says, "a pistol for me, please." The chief gives him a pistol, he points it at his head, says, "God save the queen!" and blows his brains out.

The Texan says, "gimme a fork." The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The Texan takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over -- the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. There's blood gushing out all over, it's horrible.

The chief is appalled, even for a cannibal. He asks, "My God almighty, what are you doing?" And the Texan replies, "So much for your damn canoe!"

# Learning English

A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and build things to be self-sufficient gets the word that he is to return home. He realizes that the one thing he never taught the natives was how to speak English, so he takes the chief and starts walking in the forest.

He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree." The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree." The missionary is pleased with the response.

They walk a little farther and the padre points to a rock and says, "This is a rock." Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock." The padre is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple in the midst of heavy sexual activity. The padre is really flustered and quickly says, "Riding a bike."

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blow gun and kills them. The padre goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could he just kill these people in cold blood that way?

The chief replied, "My bike!"

# Tarzan Gets Lucky

Tarzan had been living alone in his jungle kingdom for 30 years with only apes for company, and suitably shaped holes in trees for sex.

Jane, a reporter, came to Africa in search of this legendary figure. Deep in the wilds she came to a clearing and discovered Tarzan vigorously thrusting into a jungle oak. She watched in awe for awhile.

Finally, overcome by this display of animal passion Jane came out into the open and offered herself to him.

As she reclined on the wild grass Tarzan ran up to her and gave her a big kick in the crotch.

In pain she screamed "What the hell did you do that for!?"

Tarzan replied, "Always check for squirrels."

# Angry African Chief *

One day the African chief's wife gave birth to a white child and the chief was absolutely stunned. He suspected some hanky panky and went to the white Jesuit missionary father and looked at him suspiciously.

"You have been fucking my wives," he accused the white father, who looked very uncomfortable. The Jesuit, tried to wriggle out of the difficult situation by trying to explain Mendel's laws of genetics to the wrathful black.

"You see that herd of sheep," he said pointing to the chief's herd, "Most of them are white; but you will also notice 2 black lambs among them."

"OK! OK!" said the chief. "You keep your mouth shut and so will I."

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# A Rich Doctor

A mother was anxiously awaiting her blonde daughter`s plane. The young blonde had just come back from a far away land trying to find adventure.

As the blonde was exiting the plane, the mother noticed a man directly behind her daughter dressed in feathers with exotic markings all over his body and carrying a shrunken head. The daughter introduced this man as her new husband.

The mother gasped in disbelief and disappointment and screamed,

"I said for you to marry a Rich Doctor! a Rich Doctor!"

# My Prayers are Answered

A man and his dog are shipwrecked on a desert island. After exploring the island, he discovers that the only other inhabitants on the island are a flock of sheep. After many months he realizes how difficult life is without having a woman by his side. He momentarily considers pleasuring himself with a sheep, but the horror of the thought soon draws him back to his senses.

A few months later, he can take it no more, and starts to stalk a particularly comely sheep. As he is about to do the dastardly deed, however, his dog grabs him by the leg and prevents him from going ahead. After some initial anger, he thanks the dog for keeping him on the straight and narrow.

This pattern continues for some years, when the man is not so much thankful for the hound's intervention, as downright irritated. Try as he might to sneak off to the sheep whenever the canine isn't looking, his faithful friend always hunts him down whenever he approaches the woolly flock.

Then one day, fate intervenes, and the man sees a yacht drop anchor in the bay. Soon he sees a very attractive young woman alighting from the yacht and stepping ashore. Soon he is with her, introducing himself.

"You're the first man I've seen after months at sea," she coos. "I'll do anything you want."

Deep inside, the man is beside himself with joy. His prayers have been answered.

"Great," he says. "Will you walk my dog for me?"

# Animal Protection Decree

The new Africian tribal chieftan loved animals and nature so his first act after assuming power was to forbid the killing or capturing of animals in his kingdom. Before long the number of preditory animals such as lions, lepords, and cheetahs was growing unabated. As soon as they ran out of their natural prey they started eating members of the tribe.

Although the people in the tribe emplored the chief to drop his restrictions on killing or capturing animals, he refused to do so. Eventually the members of the tribe were forced to overthrough the chief to keep from being eaten.

It may be the first time in history that the reign was called on account of the game.

# Jungle Mugging

A sloth was walking through the jungle one day when he was set upon by a gang of vicious snails. The snails left him bleeding and confused at the bottom of a tree where several hours later he summoned the strength to go to the police station and report the assault.

He was asked by the desk sergeant to describe his attackers. He replied, "I don't know what they looked like, it all happened so fast."

# The Cricket Match

A native from a primitave tribe was visiting a Brittish outpost in South Africa and went to his first cricket match. He was so impressed with what he saw he could hardly wait to describe it to the tribal witchdoctor after he got back to the jungle.

"Witchdoctor," says the native, "it was a beautiful sunny Sunday. A big crowd of people gathered around this giant grass field with a thin strip of mowed and flattened pitch in the middle. There were three sticks at either end of the strip. A man in a long overcoat came out with two men in sweaters and he tossed a coin in to the air. They went out and out came eleven men in sweaters and white pants. One of them was padded and had big gloves. Then out came two men with pads on their legs and small gloves holding big sticks. They took positions at either end of the strip and one of the other men came running towards the wickets and threw this ball at the person holding the stick. And lo and behold it started to pour."

"Wow." says the witchdoctor, "white man sure knows how to make rain.''

# Jungle Drums

A biology graduate student went to Borneo to take some samples for his thesis work. He flew there, found a guide with a canoe to take him up the river to the remote site he where he would make his collections. About noon on the second day of travel up the river they began to hear drums. Being a city boy by nature, the biologist was disturbed by this. He asked the guide, "What are those drums?" The guide turned to him and said, "Drums OK, but VERY BAD when they stop."

Well the biologist settled down a little at this, and things went reasonably well for about two weeks. Then, just as they were packing up the camp to leave, the drums suddenly stopped! This hit the biologist like a ton of bricks, and he yelled at the guide,

"The Drums have stopped, What happens now?"

The guide crouched down, covered his head with his hands and said: "Bass Solo"

# More Jungle Drums

Another researcher arrives in Borneo to gather data for his thesis. Accompanied by his trusty guide, he too seeks out a very remote locale for researching the mating behaviour of the giant rat of Sumatra.

Around dusk of the first day, he's sitting by the campfire with his guide when in the distance, he hears tribal drums. They get louder. The guide announces, "I don't like the sound of those drums."

The dusk turns evening. The drums get louder. The guide says, "I really don't like the sound of those drums."

Evening turns to dead of night. The drums get louder and louder, until it is obvious that the drummers must be quite close. The guide says again, "I really don't like the sound of those drums."

Suddenly the drums stop, and a voice from the darkness cries out, "Hey man, he's not our regular drummer!"

# British Explorer

This British explorer is in the dark jungles of Africa, going where no man has gone before. Accompanying him is his trusted guide, interpreter, cook, and troubleshooter in one.

One day early in the morning, they arrive at a lake and find a handsome dark young man engaged in "playful activities" with nine beautiful, dark, young women, all in nude. The young man had the biggest, strongest penis the Britisher had ever seen, or even imagined. He was simply awed. He asked his guide who this man was.

"He is the prince of the tribe that lives on the other side of the lake, Sir," came the reply, "This is his morning ritual."

"Ask him," the awed Brit said to his companion, "how did his penis get to be this size?"

The guide goes to the lake and talks to the man, who seems to get very agitated by the conversation.

"Well, what did he say?" asked our hero to his assistant on his return.

"He said, 'There's nothing wrong with my penis. Doesn't the white man's shrink in cold water?'"

# My Little Buddy

Rodney walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me two shots. One for me and one for my best buddy."

The bartender says, "You want both drinks now or do you want me to wait until your buddy arrives to pour his?"

Rodney says, "Oh, I want them both now. I've got my best buddy in my pocket here." With that he pulls out a little three inch man from his pocket.

The bartender says, "Wow! And you mean to say he can drink that much?" "Oh, sure. He can drink it all, and then some", the man retorted. So the bartender poured the two shots.

Sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up. "That's amazing," says the bartender. "What else can he do? Can he walk?"

Rodney flicks a quarter down to the end of the bar and says, "Hey, Al go fetch that quarter". The little guy runs down to the end of the bar, picks up the quarter, and runs back down and gives it to Rodney.

The bartender is totally amazed by this display. "That's amazing," he says, "what else can he do? Does he talk?"

Rodney looks up at the bartender with a look of surprise in his eye and squawks, "Talk? Sure he talks. Hey Al, tell him about that time we were in down in Africa on safari and you insulted that witch doctor!"

# Jungle Golf

A Businessman was visiting a client in South Africa. Since he had some spare time and was an avid golfer, he located a golf course a few miles out of town. When he checked in he was informed that they did not have golf carts but required every golfer to have one of the local caddies. When the native caddie showed up he not only had the golfer's set of clubs he had a large sword and a scabbard hooked on his belt.

"What the devil is the sword for?" asked the businessman.

"Well this course winds through a section of jungle and there is a lot of danger involved," says the caddie.

So the businessman hits his first drive and it goes near the edge of the fairway. As he is getting ready to hit his second shot, a lion comes bounding out of the foliage toward the businessman. Before the lion reaches the businessman, the caddie draws his sword and with a mighty stroke kills the lion. The businessman is very impressed and thankful for the caddies skill and quick action.

On the second hole as he is hitting his third shot a large water buffalo comes charging out of the jungle toward the businessman. Again the caddie draws his sword and with a mighty stroke fells the charging water buffalo. Again the businessman thanks the caddie for saving his life.

On the third hole the businessman's tee shot goes down by a water hazard. As he is about to take his approach shot to the green, a large crocodile scampers out of the water and bites the businessman's leg off just below the knee. Writhing in pain the businessman looks up at the caddie and asks him why he did not intervene.

"This is a par three," says the caddie, "you don't get a stroke on this hole."

# Chapter 7

# College & University Jokes

Illustration by Terry Eade

Some of the jokes in this chapter may appear in other chapters. For example a joke about a Polack on a college campus may appear here and in the Nationality & Ethnic Jokes section. However, the jokes will have the same title in both chapters. The illustration above was drawn by the author and is protected by copyright.

The jokes have been annotated by an asterisk (*) for those which have language or content you may find offensive, a double asterisk (**) for those which are risque, and a triple asterisk (***) for those which may not be suitable for mixed company. Those jokes without annotation are more suitable for general audiences and usually more appropriate for speaking engagements. Viewer discretion is recommended.

# Biology Lesson

Mr. Perkins, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl's junior college, said during class, "Miss Smythe, would you please name the organ of the human body , which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions."

Miss Smythe gasped, then said freezingly, "Mr. Perkins, I don't think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you my parents will hear of this." With that she sat down red-faced.

Unperturbed, Mr. Perkins called on Miss Johnson and asked the same question.

Miss Johnson, with composure, replied, "The pupil of the eye, in dim light."

"Correct," said Mr. Perkins.

"And now, Miss Smythe, I have three things to say to you. One, you have not studied your lesson. Two, you have a dirty mind. And three, you will some day be faced with a dreadful disappointment."

# The Frog and the Engineer

A young engineering student was crossing a road by the college one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess".

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."

The boy took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do anything you want."

Again the boy took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The boy said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."

# Texas Aggie Newlyweds

Johnny and Betsy just got married after having graduated as Aggies and are driving to Austin for their honeymoon. Along the way, Johnny, who's at the wheel, reaches over and places his hand on Betsy's knee.

Betsy smiles and blushes, and says, "Oh Johnny, we're married now, you can go farther than that!"

So they drove to Laredo for their honeymoon instead.

# Logical Choice

A young engineering student is walking on campus one day when his buddy, who is studying to be a programmer, rides up on a shiny new bicycle.

"Where did you get such a rockin' bike?" asked the engineer.

The programmer replied "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful young woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said 'Take what you want.'"

The engineer nodded approvingly "Good choice, the clothes probably wouldn't have fit anyway."

# Classroom Humor

There was an old professor who started every class with a vulgar joke. After one particularly nasty example, the women in the class decided to walk out the next time he started.

The professor got wind of this plot, so the next morning he walked in and said: "Good morning, class. Did you hear the one about the shortage of prostitutes in London?"

With that, all the women stood up and headed for the door.

"Wait, ladies," cried the professor. "The boat doesn't leave until tomorrow.

# College Majors

A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up.

"Oh, we'll never need that. My wife and I have a great relationship," the husband explained. "She was a communications major in college, and I majored in theater arts. She communicates really well, and I just act as if I'm listening."

# Efficiency Expert

An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home."

"Why not?" asked somebody from the audience.

"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'"

"Did it save time?" the person in the audience asked.

"Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."

# Away at School

Donald MacDonald from the Isle of Skye went to study at an English university and was living in the hall of residence with all the other students there. After he had been there a month, his mother came to visit him.

"And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she asked.

"Mother," he replied, "they're such terrible, noisy people. The one on that side keeps banging his head on the wall and won't stop. The one on the other side screams and screams all night."

"Oh Donald! How do you manage to put up with these awful noisy English neighbors?"

"Mother, I do nothing. I just ignore them. I just stay here quietly, playing my bagpipes."

# Dormitory Rules

On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:

"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you $180. Are there any questions?"

One student hollers,"How much for a season pass?"

# The Gravy Ladle

A graduate student named John invited his mother over for dinner at his off-campus appartment. During the meal his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."

So, he sat down and wrote, "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But, the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But, the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.

# Fancy Book Learning

A Hillbilly family's only son had saved up money to go to college and after about 3 years he came back home. They were sitting around the dinner table when the dad said, ''Well son, you done gone to college so you must be perty smart. Why don't you speak some math fer' us?''

''Ok, Pa'', the son said then, ''Pi R squared.''

After a moment the Dad said, ''Why son, they ain't teached ya nothin'! Pie are round, cornbread are square.'

# Scholarly Texan

At a southern university, students in the psychology program were attending their first class on emotional extremes.

"Just to establish some parameters," said the professor to the student from Arkansas, "what is the opposite of joy?"

"Sadness," said the student.

"And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma.

"Elation," she said.

"And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas, "what about the opposite of woe?"

The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be 'giddy up' "

# Poetry Contest *

The finals of the National Poetry Contest last year came down to two finalists. One was a San Francisco State University graduate from an upper-crust family; well-bred, well-connected and all that goes with it. The other finalist was a redneck from Texas A & M. Go figure.

The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four-line poem in one minute or less, and the poem had to contain the word "Timbuktu."

The San Francisco State graduate went first. About thirty seconds after the clock started he jumped up and recited the following poem:

"'Slowly across the desert sand

Trekked the dusty caravan.

Men on camels, two by two

Destination -- Timbuktu."

The audience went wild! How, they wondered if the redneck could top that?! The clock started again and the redneck sat in silent thought. Finally, in the last few seconds, he jumped and recited:

"Tim and me, a-huntin' went.

Met three whores in a pop-up tent.

They was three, we was two,

So I bucked one and Timbuktu"

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Dormitory Virgin

A guy and a girl are lying in a dorm-room bed after just having sex. The guy lies on his side of the bed and rests. The girl rolls to her side of the bed and says to herself, "I finally did it! I'm no longer a virgin."

The guy overhears her talking to herself and asks, "Are you saying you lost your virginity to me?"

"Well," the girl explains, "I always wanted to wait until I was with the man I love to lose my virginity."

Astounded, the guy replies, "So you really love me?"

"Oh God no!" the girl says. "I just got sick of waiting."

# Graphic Lesson

A small bottle containing urine sat upon the desk of Sir William Osler, the eminent professor of medicine at Oxford University. Sitting before him was a class full of young, wide-eyed medical students, listening to his lecture on the importance of observing details. To emphasise his point, Sir Osler announced, "This bottle contains a sample for analysis. It's often possible by tasting it to determine the disease from which the patient suffers."

He then dipped a finger into the fluid and brought it into his mouth. He continued speaking, "Now I am going to pass the bottle around. Each of you please do exactly as I did. Perhaps we can learn the importance of this techinque and diagnose the case."

The bottle made it's way from row to row, each student gingerly poking his finger in and bravely sampling the contents with a frown.

Dr. Osler then retrieved the bottle and startled his students by saying, "Gentlemen, now you will understand what I mean when I speak about details. Had you been observant, you would have seen that I put my INDEX FINGER in the bottle but my MIDDLE FINGER into my mouth!"

# Incorrect Diagnosis

Two young medical students were standing on a street corner observing people as they passed and discussing any abnormalities with each other that they may have seen in passers-by. They would then attempt to make the correct diagnosis.

They spotted this old fellow leaving a bar sort of "duck waddling" down the street at a slow pace. The two students introduced themselves to the gentleman and told him that they didn't agree with each others diagnosis of the his problem.

One says, "my friend thinks you have a bad case of hemorrhoids, and I think you have a hernia." Which of us is correct?

The old man replies, "Well fellas, I thought it was a fart, but it looks like we were all wrong!"

# A Logical Response

While making his rounds, a doctor points out an x-ray to a group of medical students. "As you can see," he says, "the patient limps because his left fibula and tibia are radically arched." The doctor turns to one of the students and asks, "What would you do in a case like this?"

"Well," ponders the student, "I suppose I'd limp, too."

# Charitable Act

Two college students, Frank and Matt, are riding on a New York City subway when a beggar approaches them asking for spare change.

Frank adamantly rejects the man in disgust.

Matt, on the other hand, whips out his wallet, pulls out a couples of dollar bills and gladly hands them over to the beggar with a smile.

The beggar thanks him kindly and then continues on to the other passengers.

Frank is outraged by his friend's act of generosity.

"What on earth did you do that for?" shouts Frank. "You know he's only going to use it on drugs or booze!!!"

Matt replies, "What...and we weren't?"

# Chapter 8

# Cowboy & Indian Jokes

Illustration by Terry Eade

Some of the jokes in this chapter may appear in other chapters. For example a joke about a cowboy in jail may appear here and in the Police & Prison Jokes section. However, the jokes will have the same title in both chapters. The illustration above was drawn by the author and is protected by copyright.

The jokes have been annotated by an asterisk (*) for those which have language or content you may find offensive, a double asterisk (**) for those which are risque, and a triple asterisk (***) for those which may not be suitable for mixed company. Those jokes without annotation are more suitable for general audiences and usually more appropriate for speaking engagements. Viewer discretion is recommended.

# Bovine Fantasy

A young cowboy named Dave was courting Mabel, who lived on an adjoining ranch out west in cattle country. One evening, as they were sitting on Dave's porch watching the sun go down over the hills, Dave spied his prize bull doing the business on one of his cows. He sighed in contentment at this idyllic rural scene and figured the omens were right for him to put the hard word on Mabel.

He leaned in close and whispered in her ear, "Mabel, I'd sure like to be doing what that bull is doing."

"Well then, why don't you? "Mabel whispered back. "It is your cow."

# On Second Thought

Prior to her trip to North Dakota, Buffy (a New Yorker) confided to her sorority sister she had three goals for her trip to the Rough Rider State. She wanted to taste some real North Dakota beef, take in a bona fide rodeo and have sex with a cowboy.

Upon her return, her sorority sisters were curious as to how she fared.

Let me tell you, they have the best steaks that I've ever had. there is no steak in the world that could compare. The taste is unbelievable!!

And I went to a real rodeo..talk about athletes - these guys wrestle real full-grown bulls - like in Spain! Except they ride a horse out at full gallop, then jump off the horses and literally grab the bulls by the horns and throw them to the ground. It is incredible!"

They then asked, " Well tell us, did you have sex with a cowboy?"

Are you kidding? Once I saw the outline of the condom they carry around in the back pocket of their jeans, I changed my mind!

# Special of the Day

An Arizona cowboy stopped at a local restaurant following a day of drinking and roaming around in Mexico. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious-looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?" The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's testicles from the bull which was killed in today's bullfight.

The cowboy, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the heck, I'm on vacation down here! Bring me an order!"

The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!"

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one order available. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called o the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins."

# Fancy Roping *

One day a young cowboy and cowgirl decided to get married. After the wedding they left for their honeymoon. While driving down the road, the new bride sees two cows having sex. The new bride asks with a sly grin, "What are they doing honey?" The husband answers, "They're roping!" She replies, "Oh, I see!" while trying to hide her knowing expression.

After a few more hours of driving they pass two horses having sex. Again the bride asks, "What are they doing honey?" The husband answers,"They're roping!" She replies, "Oh, I see!"

Finally they arrive at their hotel. The couple washed up and started to get ready for bed. When they got in the bed, they started to explore each others body. The bride discovers her husbands penis.

"What is that?" she asks.

"That's my rope," he answers.

She slides her hands down further and gasps,

"What are those?" she asks

"They're my knots," he answers.

Finally the couple begins to make love. After several minutes the bride says, "Stop honey, wait a minute! "

Her husband asks, "What's the matter honey, am I hurting you?"

"No," the bride replies, "undo those knots, I need more rope."

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Are You Real Indians?

Two black ladies from the big city are taking a bus through the Southwest on a vacation. The bus stops at a small town in New Mexico and two Indian women wearing buckshin dresses, moccasins, and turquoise jewelry get on the bus.

One of the black ladies says "Are you real indians?"

One of the indian ladies says "Yes, were real indians. I am a Navajo and my friend here is an Arapaho."

The black lady says "Well if that don't beat all. I'm a New York ho and my friend here is a New Jersey ho.

# Cowboy Saloon *

It was one of those typical old Western saloons you see in most of the old movies with swinging doors, a honkey tonk piano, and a long bar. In comes a little gay fella in a city dude suit. He waits patiently for the bartender to finish cleaning a glass and then says politely to the bartender "I would like a glass of sarsaparilla, please" in a high pitched feminine sounding voice. "I'm sorry friend," says the bartender, "but this is a cowboy bar, we don't serve fellas like you in here."

"I won't cause any problems mister," the little fella says, "I'm very thirsty and I'll just sit quietly in the corner, drink my sarsaparilla, and not say a thing to anyone."

"Well alright", says the bartender "things are a mite slow and if you promise to behave yourself you can have your drink quietly in the corner." The little guy takes his sarsaparilla and goes off to a table in the corner of the saloon and quietly sips his drink.

A few minutes later, the swinging doors to the saloon fly open and a huge rough looking cowboy strides into the saloon. Beating the dust off his chaps with his hat he tells the bartender "I'll have three fingers of red eye and make it quick."

The bartender has his drink poured by the time the cowboy reaches the bar. The cowboy downs the drink in a single gulp, slams the glass down on the bar and demands "hit it again, barkeep." The bartender pours a second glass for the cowboy, who guzzles it down the same way. Without any hesitation, the bartener pours a third dirnk.

After the third drink, the cowboy announces that he has just come off of the longest, dirtiest, and hottest cattle drive ever known, and exclaims:

"I'm so thirsty I could drink the bar dry and so horney I could screw a cow."

At this point, the little fella in the corner cannot contain himself any longer, and responds:

"Moo... Moo... you big buckaroo."

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# The Toughest Cowboy

Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome prairie, each with the bravado for which cowboys and cops are famous. A night of tall tales begins.

The first says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground, by the horns, with my bare hands."

The second can't stand to be bested. "Why that's nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen foot rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off, and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And I'm still here today."

The third cowboy remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with his penis.

# Self Image

An old cowboy went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat there sipping a whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. She turned to him and asked: "Are you a real cowboy?" He replied: "Well, I've spent my entire life on the ranch, herding horses, mending fences and branding cattle, so I guess I am."

She said: "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me think about women."

A little while later a couple sits down next to the old cowboy and asked him "Are you a real cowboy?" He replied: "I always thought I was, but I just found out I am a lesbian."

# Tight Leather Skirt

In a big city at a crowded bus stop a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt with matching tight leather boots and jacket. As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on the bus she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the bus' first step.

So slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again she tried to make the step onto the bus to discover she still could not make the step. So, a little more embarrassed she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more. And for a second time she attempted the step and once again, much to her chagrin she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt.

So with a coy little smile to the driver she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step. About this time the big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her up easily by the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus.

Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero, screeching at him, "How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!!"

At this the Texan drawled " Well ma'am, normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we were friends."

# Talk to the Animals

While riding his horse one day, a cowboy met an Indian also riding along. The Indian had a dog and a sheep following him. The Cowboy and Indian began a conversation:

Cowboy: "Hey, cool dog you have there - mind if I speak to him?"

Indian: "Dog no talk."

Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"

Dog: "Doin' alright."

Indian: (look of shock)

Cowboy: "Is this Indian your owner?" (pointing at the Indian)

Dog: "Yep"

Cowboy: "How does he treat you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play."

Indian: (look of total disbelief)

Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Indian: "Horse no talk."

Cowboy: "Hey, horse, how's it going?"

Horse: "Cool."

Indian: (extreme look of shock)

Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" (again pointing at the Indian)

Horse: "Yep."

Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in a shed to protect me."

Indian: (total look of utter amazement)

Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

Indian: "Sheep is a liar."

# Chapped Lips *

An old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail. The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of his horse, lifted its tail, wiped his finger around the horse's ass hole then wiped them across his lips. He dropped the horse's tail, stepped up on the walk and headed for the swinging doors of the saloon.

"Hold on there, Mister," said the sheriff. "Did I just see what I think I saw?"

"Reckon you did, sheriff. I got me some powerful chapped lips."

"And that cures them?" the sheriff asked.

"Nope, but it keeps me from lickin' 'em."

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Scholarly Texan

At a southern university, students in the psychology program were attending their first class on emotional extremes.

"Just to establish some parameters," said the professor to the student from Arkansas, "what is the opposite of joy?"

"Sadness," said the student.

"And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma.

"Elation," she said.

"And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas, "what about the opposite of woe?"

The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be 'giddy up' "

# Shave and a Shine

A cowboy walked into a barber shop, sat on the barber's chair and said, "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine." The barber began to lather his face and sharpen the old straight edge while a woman with the biggest, firmest, most beautiful breasts that he had ever seen knelt down and began to shine his boots.

The cowboy said, "Young lady, you and I should go and spend some time in a hotel room."

She replied, "I'm married and my husband wouldn't like that.

The cowboy said, "Tell him you're working overtime and I'll pay you the difference."

She said, "You tell him. He is the one shaving you." 

# New York Ranchers

A New York family bought a ranch out west where they intended to raise cattle. Friends came to visit and asked if the ranch had a name.

"Well," said the would-be-cattleman. "I wanted to call it the Bar-J, my wife favored the Suzy-Q, one son liked the Flying-W, and the other son wanted the Lazy-Y. So, we're calling it the Bar-J-Suzy-Q-Flying-W-Lazy-Y."

"But, where are all your cattle?"

"So far, none have survived the branding."

# You're in Texas Son

There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!" The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas."

When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!" The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas."

After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right." The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident.

Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, "Don't flush, don't flush!"

# Don't Make Me Do It Again

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.

"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!?!?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered. "Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!" Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post.

He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."

# The Bull and the Train

A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher claimed that the bull must have been hit by the train, and wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.

The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store.

As soon as the rancher showed up, the attorney for the railroad pulled him aside and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.

After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!"

The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that darned bull came home this morning."

# Ride'em Cowboy **

Two cowboys were sitting in a bar when one asked his friend if he had heard of the new sex position called 'rodeo'.

His friend said, "No what is it?"

"Well, you mount your wife from the back, reach around her and cup her breasts with both hands. Then you say, 'Boy these are almost as nice as your sister's'.

Now see if you can hang on for eight seconds."

** Risque

# Not as Nice as Texas

Bob was a typical southern god old boy and very proud of his home state of Texas, where he lived his entire life. When he died and arrived in Heaven, St. Peter gave him the deluxe tour.

Behind the first door was a beautiful tropical beach. Bob poked his head in to look, but quickly announced that Galveston had nicer beaches.

Behind the second door was the most mind-boggling amusement park ever imagined. But Bob said he was sure that Dallas had more impressive parks.

After a dozen more such responses, an annoyed St. Peter pulled him to the edge of a nearby cliff and shouted, "You see that enormous lake of fire down there? That's Hell, have you got anything like that in Texas?"

"Nope," Bob replies, "But I do know a guy in Houston who can put it out."

# Blonde Cowboy

A sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blonde cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun, and his boots, so the sheriff arrests him for indecent exposure. As he is locking him up he asks, "Why in the world are you dressed like this?"

The cowboy replies, "Well, it's like this, Sheriff. I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little redhead asks me to go out to her motor home with her, so I did...."

"We get to the door and she asks me to give her $20 , so I did..."

"We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt, so I did..."

"Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants, so I did..."

"Then she pulls off her underwear and asks me to pull off my shorts, so I did..."

"Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of funny and says, 'Now go to town, Cowboy...'"

"So here I am."

# The Old Gunfighter

In the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the greatest gunfighter in the world. He practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn't yet first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong. Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man seated at the bar who had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West in his day. The young cowboy took a seat next to the old-timer, bought him a drink, and told him the story of his great ambition.

"Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked.

The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a lil' lower down on your leg."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.

"Sure will," said the old-timer.

The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his .44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player. "That's terrific!" said the cowboy. "Got any more tips for me?"

"Yep," said the old man. "Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the younger man.

"You bet it will," said the old-timer.

The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, then shot a cufflink off the piano player. "Wow!" said the cowboy. "I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?"

The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it."

The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.

"No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.

"No," said the old-timer, "but when Wyatt Earp gets done playin' the piano, he's going to shove that gun up your ass and it won't hurt as much."

# Sex Education *

A teacher cautiously approaches the subject of sex education with her 4th grade class because she realizes little Johnny's propensity for sexual innuendo. But Johnny remains attentive throughout the entire lecture. Finally, towards the end of the lesson, the teacher asks for examples of sex education from the class.

One little boy raises his hand, "I saw a bird in her nest with some eggs."

"Very good, William." cooed the teacher

"My mommy had a baby," said little Esther. "Oh, that's nice," replied the teacher.

Finally, little Johnny raises his hand. With much fear and trepidation, the teacher calls on him.

"I was watching TV yesterday, and I saw the Lone Ranger. He was surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of Indians. And they all attacked at one time. And he killed every one of them with his two guns."

The teacher was relieved but puzzled, "And what does that have to do with sex education, Johnny?"

"It'll teach those Indians not to fuck with the Lone Ranger," says Johnny.

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# I Didn't Catch Your Name *

A man walks onto an airplane and takes his seat. He looks up and notices the most beautiful woman he has ever seen boarding the plane. He is so nervous, and he soon realizes that she is walking down the aisle toward him. When she takes the seat right next to him, he is anxious to begin a conversation with her.

He asks, "Where are you flying to today?"

She responds, "To the annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago."

He's CRAZED with excitement! Here is a gorgeous woman sitting next to him, and she's going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!!!!

"And what do you do at this meeting?" he asks.

"Well," she says, "we try to dissolve some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"And what myths are those?" he goes on desperately.

She goes on to explain, "Well, one popular myth is that African American men are the most endowed, when in fact, it is the Native American who own this trait. Also, it is widely believed that the Frenchman is the best lover, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who make the best lovers."

"Very interesting....." the man responds.

Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed and blushes. "I'm sorry," she says, "I just feel so awkward discussing this with you when I don't even know you! What is your name?"

The man extends his hand and replies, "Tonto.......Tonto Goldstein."

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Courageous Conduct

It was one of the early transatlantic flights from London to New York. The aircraft had lost an engine and was having trouble maintaining altitude. In an attempt to lighten the load the crew had thrown out all of the luggage, mail, food, and other supplies. Next they had dismantled the seats and tossed them out as well. Even with all this the plane was not able to maintain altitude. Finally all members of the crew except the Pilot had parachuted out with an inflatable raft and a survival kit. Still the aircraft continued to loose altitude.

Finally the pilot came on the intercom and addressed the passengers. "I apologize for all of the drastic measures we have had to take and the inconvenience we have made you suffer, but they have been warranted by the severe circumstances. I regret to inform you that we have only one more option available to us. We have dumped all the fuel we can without cutting our range so short we cannot hope to reach land. I am, therefore, asking for volunteers who may wish to jump without a parachute into the sea in order to save the others. According to my calculations it will take three average size men to meet our objective. I'm sure anyone who jumps will not survive, but as it looks now none of us will survive anyway. Is there anyone who would volunteer to take this courageous and selfless act.

Everyone is silent for a moment, then an Englishman stands up gestures bravely to the crowd remarks "God save the Queen" and jumps out the door.

Next a small Frenchman stands up, bravely utters "Viva La France" and jumps to his death.

There is another lull and finally a large Texan stands up and hollers "Remember the Alamo" and throws two small Mexicans out the door.

# Drinking Bet

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of drinkin' fools. I'll bet $500 American dollars that nobody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."

The room is quiet and no one takes the Texan's bet. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later, the same Irishman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder.

"Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.

The Texan says "Yes," and he asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness.

Immediately, the Irishman tears into all 10 pints of beer, drinking them all back-to-back.

The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits down in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and askes, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"

The Irishman replies, "Oh... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."

# Cultural Values

One day, a news reporter wanted to learn about the culture of Indians so she arranged a chance to interview an Indian.

She asked him, "What is your culture like?"

He answered, "Grow own crops, screw anything that walks."

She replied, "Oh, dear!"

He said, "No, butt too high, run too fast."

# Blind Leading the Blind

The Indians asked their Chief in autumn, if the winter was going to be cold or not. Not really knowing an answer, the chief replies that the winter was going to be cold and that the members of the village were to collect wood to be prepared.

Being a good leader, he then went to the phone booth and called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is this winter to be cold?"

The man on the phone responded, "This winter is going to be quite cold indeed."

So the Chief went back to speed up his people to collect even more wood to be prepared.

A week later he called the National Weather Service again,"Is it going to be a very cold winter?"

"Yes", the man replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."

So the Chief goes back to his people and orders them to go and find every scrap of wood they can find.

Two weeks later he calls the National Weather Service again: "Are you absolutely sure, that the winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely" the man replies, "the Indians are collecting wood like crazy!"

# The Bacon Tree

All the Indians on the reservation were starving. They ask the tribal medicine man to perform a rain dance, to see what the future held. The medicine man dances about, mumbling and looking at the heavens above. Suddenly he gives out a scream, and falls to the ground.

"What did you see," asked the chief?

"I had a vision, a hazy vision," replied the medicine man. "Over many hills i saw a huge Bacon Tree, big enough to feed the whole tribe."

"What good is that," says the chief, "if we leave the reservation the soldiers will follow and punish us."

"If we go at night, they will not know until it is too late," replied the medicine man.

"OK," agrees the chief and that night they sneaked out of camp. They walked over hill upon hill, food and water were gone, and many died on this venture.

Finally the chief has had enough. "How far is this Bacon Tree," he asks.

"Just over one more hill," is the reply.

At last they climb the last hill, and start going down the other side. Suddenly there is the sound of the bugle charge, and cavalry swoop down killing most.

As the chief lies dying, he crawls over to the dying medicine man and gasps "What happened to your Bacon Tree."

The medicine man replies, "I was wrong --- it was a ham bush".

# Indian Mating Call

Two Indians and a Hillbilly were walking in the woods. All of a sudden, one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave. "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" he called into the cave and then he listened very closely until he heard an answering, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave. The Hillbilly was puzzled and asked the other Indian what that was all about. Was the other Indian crazy or what?

"No," said the Indian. "It is our custom during mating season. When Indian men see cave, they holler, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo! into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there is a girl in there waiting to mate."

Just then they saw another cave. The Indian ran up to the opening of the cave, stopped, and hollered, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" Immediately, there was an answering "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" from deep inside the cave. He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Hillbilly wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then he came upon a great big cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, "Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!" He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" He grinned and closed his eyes in anticipation, and then he heard the answering call, "WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO!"

With a gleam in his eyes and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran. The following day, the headline of the Local Newspaper read, "NAKED HILLBILLY RUN OVER BY FREIGHT TRAIN"

# Bucking Bronco *

Ed and Ted went to the fair. They came across a small crowd gathered around a stall and went over to take a look. "What's going on?" Ed asked one of the crowd.

"We're watching to see if some idiot can ride that bronco machine," he said nodding towards a fearsome looking machine. "Nobody has managed to stay on for the full three minutes yet. And there's a prize of $1000 for anybody who can.

"I can do that!" Ed said confidently.

"No you can't," said Ted.

"I sure as hell can!" said Ed.

"You'll get yourself killed if you try and ride that monster," said Ted.

"Watch this," said Ed and climbed aboard the bronco machine.

The machine thrashed wildly, up and down, from side to side, around in circles but still a grim-faced Ed clung to its back. After two minutes the machine was bucking almost vertically and spinning until Ed was a blur. But when the three minutes were up Ed was still on the machine's back acknowledging the cheers and cries from the small crowd.

He dismounted, collected his winnings and rejoined Ted. "Where in hell did you learn to ride a bucking bronco like that!?" Ted asked.

"Remember three months ago," Ed said... "When my wife had whooping cough...?

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# The Texan and the Aussie

A Texas Rancher goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie rancher and gets talking.

The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large."

Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, "We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows."

The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those?"

The Aussie, fed up with the Texan's bragging replies with an incredulous look, "What, don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas?"

# The Texan's Revenge

A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a Texan were captured by cannibals.

The chief comes to them and says, "the bad news is that now that we've caught you, we're going to kill you. We will put you in a pot and cook you, eat you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die."

The Frenchman says, "I take ze sword." The chief gives him a sword, he says, "Vive la France!" and runs himself through.

The Englishman says, "a pistol for me, please." The chief gives him a pistol, he points it at his head, says, "God save the queen!" and blows his brains out.

The Texan says, "gimme a fork." The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The Texan takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over -- the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. There's blood gushing out all over, it's horrible.

The chief is appalled, even for a cannibal. He asks, "My God almighty, what are you doing?" And the Texan replies, "So much for your damn canoe!"

# Cowboy in Black

The bartender in an old west saloon is standing behind the bar cleaning a glass when all of a sudden, the door opens with a kick, and a cowboy in black enters. The cowboy has a black hat, black foulard, black shirt, black trousers, black boots, black gloves, black belt, and a black pair of guns...

Everyone looks at him with fearful eyes. He approaches the bartender, and asks:

"Do you have a bucket?"

The bartender runs inside, finds a wooden bucket, comes back. The cowboy in black looks to the bucket, and orders:

"Now, bring me three bottles of whiskey."

Seconds later:

"Pour them into the bucket."

And, then:

"Take it to my horse outside."

The frightened and surprised, the bartender does what the cowboy tells him to do.

He finds a horse, black as night, tied in front of the bar, completely in black harness. The horse drinks all the whiskey at once. Then the bartender returns back inside the bar.

The cowboy very carefully looks into the bucket, sees that nothing is left, and asks: "What do I owe for this?"

The bartender, while calculating the price, asks: "Aren't you going to have anything to drink?"

"No," says the cowboy, "I don't drink and drive."

# Smart Indian

A Texas cowboy got a visit from his cousin who lives in the east. He thought he would show his city-slicker cousin a local Indian tribe so he could see how they were "one with the land".

The cowboy and his cousin come upon an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground. The cowboy stops and says to his cousin, "You see that Indian?"

"Yeah," says the city-slicker.

"Look," says the cowboy, "he's listening to the ground. He can hear things for miles in any direction!"

Just then the Indian looks up. "Covered wagon," he says, "about two miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one white. Man, woman, child, household effects in wagon."

"Incredible!" says the cousin to the cowboy. "This Indian knows how far away they are, how many horses, what color they are, who is in the wagon, and what is in the wagon. AMAZING!!!"

The Indian looks up and says... "Ran over me about a half hour ago."

# A Perfect Memory

A tourist was introduced to an Indian in New Mexico who was said to have a perfect memory. Skeptical, the tourist asked, "What did you have for breakfast on September 10, 1943?"

The Indian answered, "Eggs."

The man scoffed, "Everyone eats eggs for breakfast. He's a phony."

Thirteen years later the traveler's train stopped again in the small New Mexico town, and he saw the same Indian sitting on the train platform.

The tourist went up and said jovially, "How!"

The Indian answered, "Scrambled."

# Indian in New York

A native American, in full Indian regalia, feather head dress, and buckskin clothes, stood on the sidewalk in downtown New York city. As a pretty woman would walk by, he would raise his right hand, in an Indian greeting, and say " Wanna ".

A buystander watched this ritual for about twenty minutes, and became more curious as the Indian kept making these greetings. Finally, the bystander couldn't resist any longer. He went up to the native American, and said, "I have been watching you, and I am confused. I thought that Indians say "How."

The Indian turned to the bystander, obviously quite annoyed, and said... "ME KNOW HOW...ME TRYING TO FIND WOMAN WHO WANNA!!"

# A Real Scoop

The young female reporter had been assigned to interview the Tribal Chief from the local Indian reservation. After showing the attractive reporter around the reservation and impressing her with the large herds of cattle and horses, the Chief took her back to his tepee.

"Who are all the young women who are working around your tepee, are they your daughters?"

"Not daughters," responds the Chief, "All women working around tepee are Chief's wives. Many wives mean much work get done and Chief have good time in the sack."

"That's terrible," responds the liberated young reporter, "A man like you should be hung."

"Chief is hung," responds the Chief with a smile and a wink.

# Indian in the Cafe

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other.

He says to the waiter, "Me want coffee." The waiter says, "Sure chief, coming right up." He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee.

The Indian drinks it down in one gulp, picks up the bucket, throws the manure into the air and blasts it with the shotgun, then walks out.

Four days later the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand and another bucket of manure in the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Me want coffee."

The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto, we're still cleaning up from the last time you were in here. What the heck was all that about, anyway?"

The Indian says, "Me in training for Executive Management job....drink coffee, shoot the shit, and disappear for a few days."

# Irishmen and Indians

Two Irishmen are in the Wild West. They enter Dodge City and notice a sign in a shop saying 'Indian scalps-$10 each.' They enter the shop and are given a rifle, ammunition and told that for every Indian scalp they bring back they will get $10.

So they go out into the desert and hide behind a rock beside an oasis in the hope that an Indian would come to drink. Sure enough, 10 minutes later a brave approaches on his horse and gets down to drink. Paddy shoots the Indian and goes over to scalp him.

Just as Paddy gets out his knife, Murphy looks up and sees up and sees Chief Geronimo and his 100,000 braves on a ridge.

"Don't look now" says Murphy, "But we are about to become millionaires!"

# The Texan and the Cabbie

A Texan was taking a taxi tour of London, and was in a hurry.

As they went by the Tower of London the cabbie explained what it was and that construction started in 1346 and it was completed in 1412, the Texan replied, "Shoot, a little ol' tower like that? In Houston we'd have that thing up in two weeks!"

House of Parliament next - Started construction in 1544, completed 1618 "Hell boy, we put up a bigger one than that in Dallas and it only took a year!"

As they passed Westminister Abbey the cabbie was silent.

"Whoah! What's that over there?" says the Texan.

"Damned if I know," says the cabbie, "it wasn't there yesterday..."

# Texas Aggie Newlyweds

Johnny and Betsy just got married after having graduated as Aggies and are driving to Austin for their honeymoon. Along the way, Johnny, who's at the wheel, reaches over and places his hand on Betsy's knee.

Betsy smiles and blushes, and says, "Oh Johnny, we're married now, you can go farther than that!"

So they drove to Laredo for their honeymoon instead.

# Mad Martin is Coming

Once upon a time, this guy named Fred decided that he was rough and tough enough to seek his fortune in the Wild West. So, Fred found his way to a frontier town and became the bartender at the wildest saloon in the territory. He soon proved how rough and tough he was, and the owner of the bar was pleased with how he broke up fights and didn't skim too much off the receipts. He told Fred that he (Fred) was doing a fine job, but he should remember one thing: "If you ever hear even a rumor that Mad Martin is coming to town, just save what you can, put a bottle of Red Eye on the counter, and head out of town as fast as you can."

Fred was pretty perplexed at this, and sought explanation. He was told that Mad Martin was an old mountain man who lived up in the hills and only came to town once or twice a year. However, Martin was the most dangerous guy they'd ever heard of and few had ever encountered him and lived to tell the tale. Fred listened carefully and then promptly forgot all about it.

Until, one day a few months later, a cowboy came riding through town at full speed, yelling, "Martin's coming! Head for the hills!" The result was incredible. Everybody in town immediately jumped on their horses and took off for the hills. Except Fred. He wanted to see this guy because he didn't believe he could be all that tough. So, Fred just put the bottle of Red Eye on the bar, hid behind the counter, and waited.

He didn't wait long. Soon there was a noise in the street. As Fred looked out a hole in the wall, he saw this huge, mean-looking guy ride down the center of the street on the biggest bull buffalo that Fred had ever seen. The guy stopped the buffalo in front of the bar, jumped off the beast, punched it in the head (dropping the critter to its knees) and bellowed, "Wait here til I get back!" The fellow turned and walked up the steps. Fred saw that the guy had a pair of huge mountain lions on leashes. He tied them both to a post and kicked them soundly, hollering, "You pussycats stay here til I'm done!" The cats fearfully sat down.

Into the bar stormed the fellow, ripping the doors off the wall as he passed. With two strides he approached the bar, picked up the bottle of Red Eye, bit off the neck, and downed it all in one gulp. Poor Fred, thoroughly frightened by now, let out a little whimper. The guy looked down over the bar and roared, "What the hell do you think you're looking at!?"

Fred managed to say, "N..n..n..nothing, mister. Do you want another bottle of Red Eye?"

To which the fellow replied, "Hell no! I don't have time! I gotta get out of here--Mad Martin's coming!"

# Enchanted Rattlesnake

It was spring in the old west. The cowboys rode the still snow choked trails looking for cattle that survived the winter.

As one cowboy's horse went around the narrow trail, it came upon a rattlesnake warming itself in the spring sunshine.

The horse reared and the cowboy drew his six-gun to shoot the snake.

"Hold on there, partner," said the snake, "don't shoot- I'm an enchanted rattlesnake, and if you don't shoot me, I'll give you any three wishes you want."

The cowboy decided to take a chance. He knew he was safely out of the snake's striking range.

He said, "OK, first, I'd like to have a face like Clark Gable, then, I'd like a build like Arnold Schwarzenegger, and finally, I'd like sexual equipment like this here horse I'm riding."

The rattlesnake said, "All right, when you get back to the bunk house you'll have all three wishes."

The cowboy turned his horse around and galloped at full speed all the way to the bunk house. He dismounted on the run and went straight inside to the mirror.

Staring back at him in the mirror was the face of Clark Gable.

He ripped the shirt off his back and revealed bulging, rippling muscles, just like Arnold Schwarzenegger. Really excited now, he tore down his jeans, looked at his crotch and shouted, "Oh no! I was riding the mare!"

# Minor Surgery

There was a midget from Texas who complained to his buddy that his testicles ached all the time. As he was always complaining about his problem, his friend suggested that he go to the doctor and see what could be done to relieve the problem.

The midget took his advice and went to the doctor and told him what the problem was.The doctor told him to drop his pants & he would have a look. The midget dropped his pants & the doctor put him up onto the examining table & proceeded to look for the trouble. The doc put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to cough, which he did.

"Ah!" mumbled the doc and putting his finger under the right one asked him to cough again, which he did. "Ahhh!" said the doctor and reached for his surgical scissors. Snip,snip, snip on the right side & then snip, snip, snip on the left side and he told the midget to pull up his pants and see if his testicles still ached.The midget was delighted as he walked around the doc's office and his testicles were not aching.

"What did you do Doc?" the midget asked.

The doc replied, "I cut two inches off the tops of your cowboy boots."

# Down for the Count

A man getting along in years finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things; but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man.

The medicine man says, "I can cure this." With that said, he throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. Then he says, "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123,' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"

The guy then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?"

The medicine man replies: "All you or your partner has to say is 1234, and it will go down. But be warned: It will not work again for another year."

The old gent rushes home, anxious to try out his new powers and prowess. That night he is ready to surprise his wife. He showers, shaves, and puts on his most exotic shaving lotion and cologne. After he gets into bed and is lying next to her, he says, "123;" and suddenly he has the most gigantic stiffie ever, just as the medicine man had promised.

His wife, who had been facing away from him, turns over and asks,"What did you say '123' for?

# Cowboy Compassion *

Two cowboys walk into a roadhouse to wash the trail dust from their throats. They stand at the bar, drinking their beers and talking quietly about cattle prices. Suddenly a woman at a table behind them, who had been eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so it becomes apparent that she is in real distress, and the cowboys turn to look at her.

"Kin ya swaller?" asks one of the cowboys.

No, signals the woman, desperately shaking her head.

"Kin ya breathe?" asks the other. The woman, beginning to turn a bitblue, shakes her head. "No" again.

The first cowboy walks over to her, lifts up the back of her skirt, yanks down her knickers, and slowly runs his tongue up and down the woman's behind. This shocks the woman to a violent spasm, the obstruction flies out of her mouth, and she begins to breathe again. The cowboy slowly walks back over to the bar and proudly takes a drink of his beer.

His partner says in admiraton, "Ya know, I'd heard of that there Hind Lick Maneuver, but I ain't never seen nobody do it."

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Brokeback Mountain

A rugged cowboy from Brokeback Mountain, Wyoming, goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run.

The doctor comes back and says, "I am not going to beat around the bush, You have AIDS."

The cowboy tugs at his Stetson and sets his jaw and says, "Doc, what can I do?"

The doctor says, "I want you to go home and eat 5 pounds of spicy sausage, a head of cabbage, 20 un-peeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts, 1/2 box of Grapenuts cereal, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice."

The cowboy squares his rugged shoulders and asks, "Will that cure me, Doc?"

"No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your ass is for." 

# Just One Abnormality

A young Native American woman went to a doctor for her first ever physical exam. After checking all of her vitals and running the usual tests, the doctor said, "Well, Running Doe, you are in fine health. I could find no problems. I did notice one abnormality, however."

"Oh, what is that, Doctor?"

"Well, you have no nipples."

"None of the people in my tribe have nipples," she replied.

"That is amazing," said the doctor. "I'd like to write this up for The South Dakota Journal of Medicine ! if you don't mind.

She said, "OK."

"First of all" asked the doctor, "how many people are in your tribe?"

She answered, "Approximately 500."

"And what is the name of your tribe?" Asked the doctor."

Running Doe replied, "We're called the Indiannippleless Five Hundred"

# New Bull at the Ranch

Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring yet another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them.

First Bull: Boys, we all know I've been here five years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don't know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, but I ain't giving' him any of mine.

Second Bull: That pretty much says it for me, too. I've been here three years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we've agreed are mine. I'll fight him, run him off or kill him, but I'm KEEPING' ALL MY COWS.

Third Bull: I've only been here a year, and so far, you guys have only let me have 10 cows to take care of. I may not be as big as you fellows (yet) but I am young and virile, so I simply MUST keep all MY cows.

They had just finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only ONE ANIMAL IN IT: the biggest Son-of-Another-Bull these guys had ever seen. At 4,700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point.

First Bull: Ahem...You know, it's actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend.

Second Bull: I have plenty of cows to take care of, if I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from HIM. I'm certainly not looking for an argument.

They look over at their young friend, the 3rd bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting.

First Bull: Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it.

Third Bull: Hell, he can have ALL my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'm a bull.

# Watch What You Say

A guy traveling through the prairies of the USA stopped at a small town and went to a bar. He stood at the end of the bar and lit up a cigar. As he sipped his drink, he stood there quietly blowing smoke rings.

After he blew nine or ten smoke rings into the air, an angry American Indian approached him and said, "Now listen buddy, if you don't stop calling me that I'll smash your face in!"

# Hi Ho Silver

The Lone Ranger and Tonto ride into town one dusty, dry day and proceed to the first saloon, where they tie up their trusty steeds and head in for a snort.

After a while a stranger walks into the bar and asks, 'who owns the white horse tied up outside?'

The Lone Ranger said, 'Why, that would be mine. Why do you ask?'

'Because it's collapsed and looks like it's dying,' says the stranger.

So the Lone Ranger and Tonto head out to check on Silver.

'He's probably just suffering from the heat,' says the Lone Ranger, who asks Tonto if he could run around Silver for a while to help keep him cool.

The Lone Ranger returns to the bar and after half an hour another stranger walks in and asks, 'who owns the white horse outside?'

The Lone Ranger says, 'That's mine, what's the problem this time?'

'Oh, no problem,' says the stranger, 'it's just that you've left your injun running.'

# Sit Yourself Down

Back in the turn of the century in a mining town out west, a woman walked into a saloon. Suddenly she realized that she was not in the general store so she started to turn around and leave. As she was doing this, a drunk cowboy seated at the bar noticed her and said to the woman, "Come on over, Ma'am, sit yourself down right here next to me and have yourself a drink.

"Thank you kindly Sir, but I'm afraid that I couldn't," replied the woman, "on account that I need to get bread".

The cowboy replied, "Uh, Ma'am, I do reckon you came to the right place for that!"

# Chapter 9

# Dentist & Optometrist Jokes

Illustration by Terry Eade

Some of the jokes in this chapter may appear in other chapters. For example a joke about a biker in a dentist's office may appear here and in the Motorcycle & Biker Jokes section. However, the jokes will have the same title in both chapters. The illustration above was drawn by the author and is protected by copyright.

The jokes have been annotated by an asterisk (*) for those which have language or content you may find offensive, a double asterisk (**) for those which are risque, and a triple asterisk (***) for those which may not be suitable for mixed company. Those jokes without annotation are more suitable for general audiences and usually more appropriate for speaking engagements. Viewer discretion is recommended.

# Mutual Consideration

The dental assistant had gotten Marjorie situated in the chair, had taken off her glasses, and put the little bib in place. The dentist had come in and introduced himself and was now bent over the patient to give her a shot of novocaine. Suddenly he stopped and cleared his throat.

"Ma'am," he said "I don't know how to tell you this delicately, but you have your elbow against my testicles."

"I know Doc," she said with a smile "now we're not going to hurt each other are we?"

# Let's Negotiate **

Ned was feeling amorous as he reached over and ran his hand under his wife's nightie.

"Now don't get yourself too worked up," she said "I have an appointment with my gynecologist in the morning and I'm not supposed to have intercourse the night before my examination."

"You don't have a dental appointment in the morning do you?" asks Ned.

_** Risque_

# I'm Ready Doctor

A pretty young blonde visiting her new doctor for the first time found herself alone in a small waiting room. She began undressing nervously, preparing herself for the upcoming examination. Just as she draped the last of her garments over the back of a chair, a light rap sounded on the door and a young doctor strode in.

Coming to an abrupt halt, the doctor looked his nude patient up and down carefully and with considerable appreciation.

"Miss Smith," he said finally, "it seems quite obvious to me that until today you have never undergone an eye examination."

# Comfortable Dentures

Harry is at a banquet and keeps complaining that his new false teeth are hurting him. The guy sitting to his left reaches into his pocket and pulls out a set of dentures. He hands them to Harry and says, "Try these."

Harry tries them, and says, "Thanks anyway, but they're too tight."

The guy pulls out another set and hands them to Harry. They fit perfectly, so Harry wears them for the entire night.

At the end of the banquet, Harry hands them back to the guy and says, "They fit me perfectly. Are you a dentist?"

The guy says, "No, I'm an undertaker."

# Still Too Much

One day a man walks into a dentist's office and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth.

"Eighty dollars," the dentist says.

"That's a ridiculous amount," the man says. "Isn't there a cheaper way?"

"Well," the dentist says, "if you don't use an anaesthetic, I can knock it down to $60."

"That's still too expensive," the man says.

"Okay," says the dentist. "If I save on anesthesia and simply rip the teeth out with a pair of pliers, I could get away with charging $20."

"Nope," moans the man, "it's still too much."

"Hmm," says the dentist, scratching his head. "If I let one of my students do it for the experience, I suppose I could charge you just $10."

"Marvelous," says the man, "book my wife for next Tuesday!"

# I Love My Dentist **

Marsha completed four weeks of dental restoration with Dr. Morris Cohen the dentist. She confided to her best friend that she had fallen in love with her dentist ...and she was going to propose to him.

Her friend said, " Marsha you're 34 years old, you're beautiful, you have dozens of men who adore you. Why this dentist?"

"Because he is the First man that ever said to me.... SPIT, don't SWALLOW."

_** Risque_

# Seeing Spots

A man goes to the eye doctor. The receptionist asks him why he is there. The man complains, "I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes."

The receptionist asks, "Have you ever seen a doctor?"

The man replies, "No, just spots."

# Make Up Your Mind

This woman goes into a dentist's office, after he is through examining her he says: "I am sorry to tell you this, but I am going to have to drill a tooth."

The woman then says: "Ooooohhhh, the pain is so awful I'd rather have a baby!"

To which the dentist replies, "Make up your mind lady, I'll have to adjust the chair!"

# Trustworthy Dentist

As soon as the dentist asked the patient to sit down, he pulled out his wallet.

Seeing this the dentist said, "Please don't, you don't need to pay me now".

The patient answered: "Pay you! I just want to count my money before I'm unconscious!"

# Crude Production

A dentist was getting ready to clean an elderly lady's teeth. He noticed that she was a little nervous, so he began to tell her a story as he was putting on his surgical gloves...

"Do you know how they make these rubber gloves?"

She said, "No?"

"Well", he spoofed, "down in Mexico they have this big building set up with a large tank of latex, and the workers are all picked according to hand size. Each individual walks up to the tank, dips their hands in, and then walk around for a bit while the latex sets up and dries right onto their hands! Then they peel off the gloves and throw them into the big 'Finished Goods Crate' and start the process all over again."

The dentist waited for a reaction, but she didn't respond or laugh a bit. Five minutes later, during the procedure, he had to stop cleaning her teeth because she burst out laughing.

The old woman blushed and exclaimed, "I just suddenly thought about how they must make condoms!"

# Painless Extraction

A dental surgery had been having an unusually busy day, and ran out of local anaesthetic just before the last extraction for the day was to be performed.

Keen to ensure that a far more painless extraction from the patient's wallet would not be hindered, the dentist gave the nurse a very large needle.

He instructed her to jab it firmly into the patient in the end opposite to that from which the tooth was to be extracted, when the signal was given.

It all happened in an instant. The patient and pliers were in place. The signal was given, the needle driven well home, and with a quick tug out came the tooth.

The dentist said, "Hurt much?"

The patient hesitated, "Didn't even feel it come out... tell you what, though, the roots were sure in deep!"

# Routine Eye Exam

There is this man, he has had problems lately with his sight, and feels it is now time to go see an optometrist.

When he comes in, the doctor tells him he will first do some simple testing, and shows him the standard sheet with letters of diminishing size: W X Z Y ...

So the doctor asks the man: "Can you read this?"

The man answers: "Of course I can. I am Polish!"

# Innovative Dentist

There was this guy who went to the dentist to get a tooth pulled.

First off the dentist said, "I'll give you a shot to numb your jaw."

But the guy said, "No, please don't do that, I'm afraid of needles."

The dentist said, "OK, I'll get out the gas to put you to sleep."

However the guy said, "Nope, I'm allergic to the gas."

So the dentist said, "Just a minute, I'll go look for something else."

After awhile he came back with a couple of pills.

The guy asked, "What kind of pills are those?"

The dentist said, "Viagra."

The guy said, "WHAT! Why these?"

The dentist said, "They won't help the pain, but they'll give you something to hang on to while I pull your damn tooth.

# No Last Name

A law enforcement offcer stopped a car for traveling faster than the posted speed limit. Since he's in a good mood, he decides to give the poor fellow a break and write out a warning instead of a ticket. So he asks the man his name.

"Fred', he replies.

"Fred What?" the officer asks.

"Just Fred" the man responds.

When the officer presses for a last name, the man tells him that he used to have a last name but "lost it"

The officer thinks he has a nut case on his hands, but plays along with it. "Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?"

The man replies. "It's a long story so stay with me. I was born Fred Dingaling. I know - funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time, so I stayed to myself, studied hard, and got good grades. When I got older, I realized I wanted to be a doctor. So I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Dingaling, MD. After awhile, I got bored being a doctor, so decided to go back to school - dentistry was my dream I got all the way through school, got my degree, so I was now Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS. Got bored with dentistry, so started fooling around with my assistant. She gave me VD, so I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS with VD. Well, the ADA found out about the VD so they took away my DDS so I was Fred Dingaling MD with VD. Then the AMA found about about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD. Then the VD took away my dingaling, so now I'm just Fred".

The officer walked away in tears from laughing so hard, and tore up the Warning ticket.

# Dental Technique

A guy and a girl met at a bar. They're getting along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.

A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and washes his hands. He then takes off his pants and washes his hands.

So the girl looks at him and says, 'You must be a dentist'.

The guy all surprised says, 'Yes, how did you figure that out'?

The girl says, 'Easy, you keep washing your hands'.

One thing led to another. They make love. After they were done, the girl says, 'You must be a GREAT dentist'.

The guy was very surprised, he says, 'Yes, I sure am a great dentist. How did you figure that out??'

The girl says, 'Easy, I didn't feel a thing!'

# Just a Small Sin

The Irish girl knelt in the confessional and said, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned."

"What is it, child?"

The girl said, "Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am."

The priest turned, took a good look at the girl through the screen, and said, "Vanity is just a small sin so say five Hail Marrys and go see an optometrist, I'm sure you won't commit this sin again.

# Chapter 10

# Domestic Staff Jokes

Illustration by Terry Eade

Some of the jokes in this chapter may appear in other chapters. For example a joke about a butler buying groceries may appear here and in the Supermarket Jokes section. However, the jokes will have the same title in both chapters. The illustration above was drawn by the author and is protected by copyright.

The jokes have been annotated by an asterisk (*) for those which have language or content you may find offensive, a double asterisk (**) for those which are risque, and a triple asterisk (***) for those which may not be suitable for mixed company. Those jokes without annotation are more suitable for general audiences and usually more appropriate for speaking engagements. Viewer discretion is recommended.

# The Butler Did It

A wealthy couple had planned to go out for the evening. The woman of the house decided to give their butler, Jerves, the rest of the night off. She said they would be home very late, and that he should just enjoy his evening.

As it turned out, however, the wife wasn't having a good time at the party, so she came home early, alone. Her husband had to stay there, as several of his important clients were there.

As the woman walked into her house, she saw Jerves sitting by himself in the dining room. She called for him to follow her, and led him into the master bedroom. She then closed and locked the door. She looked at him and smiled. "Jerves," she said. "Take off my dress." He did this carefully. "Jerves," she continued." Take off my stockings and garter." He silently obeyed her. "Jerves," she then said. "Remove my bra and panties." As he did this, the tension continued to mount.

She looked at him and then said, "Jerves, if I ever catch you wearing my stuff again, your fired!"

# The New Maid

A guy dials his home and a strange woman answers.

The guy says, ''Who is this?''

''This is the maid,'' answers the woman.

''We don't have a maid,'' says the man.

The woman says, ''I was hired this morning by the lady of the house.''

The man says, ''Well, this is her husband. Is she there?''

The woman replies, ''She is upstairs in the bed room with someone who I figured was her husband.''

The guy is fuming and says to the maid, ''Listen, would you like to make $50,000?''

The maid says, ''What will I have to do?''

The man tells her, ''I want you to get my gun from the desk, and shoot the witch and the jerk she's with.''

The maid puts the phone down; the man hears footsteps and then two gun shots.

The maid comes back to the phone, ''What do I do with the bodies?''

The man says, ''Throw them in the swimming pool.''

Puzzled, the maid answers, ''But you don't have a pool.''

A long pause and the man says, ''Is this 567-5309?''

# Hungry Baby

A woman and a baby come into the doctor's office.

She was told to go into the room and wait for the doctor.

After arriving there, the doctor examined the baby and asked the woman, "Is he breast fed or on the bottle?"

"Breast fed," she replied.

"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.

After the woman had stripped to the waist, the doctor pressed, kneaded and pinched both breasts for a while in a vigorously detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, he said, "No wonder this baby is hungry. You don't have any milk."

"Naturally," she said, "I'm the Johnson's maid and Mrs. Johnson asked me to bring the baby in for his checkup, but now I'm glad I came."

# All in the Family

One day the housekeeper came to the mistress of the house and told her that she would have to resign her position. The reason she gave was that she was pregnant out of wedlock and could not embarrass the family by having the illegitimate child. The mistress of the house talked to the master of the house and they decided that since they were childless that they would adopt the child and keep the housekeeper that they both valued so much.

A year later, the housekeeper came to the mistress of the house with the same problem. Again the family adopted the new child. A year later the same situation occurred and once more the family adopted the third child. The following year the housekeeper came to the mistress of the house for the fourth time and told her that she wanted to resign her position.

"Are you pregnant again?" asked the mistress of the house.

"No, I'm not pregnant" responded the housekeeper.

"Then why do you want to quit your job?" asked the Mistress of the house.

"I just don't want to work for a family with three kids," retorts the housekeeper.

# Bridge Anyone *

A maid was applying for a new position. When asked why she left her last employment, she replied, "Well, sir, they paid good wages, but it was the most ridiculous place I ever worked. They played a game called Bridge, and last night a lot of folks were there.

As I was about to bring in the refreshments, I heard a man say, 'Lay down and let's see what you've got.' Another man said, 'I've got strength but no length.' Another man says to the lady, 'Take your hand off my trick!' I pretty near dropped dead just then, when the lady answered, 'You jumped me twice when you didn't have the strength for one raise.' Another lady was talking about protecting her honor and two other ladies were talking and one said, 'Now it's time for me to play with your husband and you can play with mine.'

Well, I just got my hat and coat and as I was leaving, I hope to die if one of them didn't say, 'Well, I guess we'll go home now. This is the last rubber.'"

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# A Very Important Person

The Pope had just finished a tour of the Napa Valley and was taking a limousine to San Francisco. Having never driven a limo, he asked the chauffeur if he could drive for a while. Well, the chauffeur didn't have much of a choice, so he climbed into the back seat and the Pope got behind the wheel.

The Pope proceeds up U.S. 101, and begins accelerating just to see what the limo would do. He got up to 100 mph, and suddenly he saw the red and blue lights of the California Highway Patrol car in his mirror. He pulled the car over and stopped. The trooper got out, walked up to the window, and seeing who it was, said, "Excuse me, just a moment please, I need to call in."

The trooper called in and asked for the chief. He told the chief that he had a really important person pulled over and asked how he should handle it.

"It's not Ted Kennedy again, is it?" asked the chief.

"No Sir?" replied the trooper, "This guy's much more important than that."

"Is it the Governor then?" came the chief query.

"No! Even more important!:" the trooper again replied.

"My God! Is it the President?" the chief wanted to know.

"No! Even more important still, this is a VVIP!" said the trooper.

"Well," said the chief, "I give up, who the hell is it?"

"I think it may be God, " stammered the trooper, "he's in a long white limousine and he's got the Pope as his chauffeur."

# Rush Linbaugh's Chauffeur

Rush Limbaugh and his chauffeur were out driving in the country and accidentally hit and killed a pig that had wandered out on a country road. Limbaugh told the chauffeur to drive up to the farm and apologize to the farmer. They drove up to the farm, the chauffeur got out and knocked on the front door and was let in. He was in there for what seemed hours. When he came out, Limbaugh was confused about why his employee had been there so long.

"Well, first the farmer shook my hand, then he offered me a beer, then his wife brought me some cookies, and his daughter showered me with kisses," explained the driver.

"What did you tell the farmer?" Limbaugh asked.

The chauffeur replied, " told him that I was Rush Limbaugh's driver and I'd just killed the pig."

# Very Easy Question

Albert Einstein used to go to dinners where he was invited to give a speech. One day, on his way to one of those dinners, he told his chauffeur (who looked exactly like him) that he was dead tired of giving the same speech, dinner after dinner.

"Well," said the chaffeur, "I've got a good idea. Why don't I give the speech since I've heard it so many times?'' So Albert put on the chauffer's hat and sat in the audience and Albert's chauffeur gave the speech. The speach went perfectly and the chauffer even answered a few questions. Then, a professor stood up and asked him a really tough question about anti-matter which the chauffeur couldn't answer

"Sir, the answer to your question is so easy that I'll let my chauffeur answer it!

# As You Wish Sir

Jeeves, the faithful old butler for Lord and Lady Bosworth had just taken Lady bosworth her morning coffee, and then went into Lord Bosworth's room to serve him his morning juice and toast. Upon entering the room he noticed Lord Bosworth was sitting up in bed and had a gigantic erection which caused the covers to stand up like a tent.

Setting the tray down on the night stand, Jeeves looked at his master and said: "Sir shall I fetch Lady Bosworth?"

"No Jeeves," says Lord Bosworth, "fetch my baggy cords, I'm going to try and sneek this one into town."

# The Hairless Maid *

Mrs. Schmidlap hires a maid with beautiful blonde hair. The first morning, the girl pulls off the hair and says, "I wear a wig, because I was born totally hairless. Not a hair on my body, not even down there."

That night, Mrs. Schmidlap tells her husband. He says, "I've never seen anything like that. Please tomorrow, ask her to go into the bedroom and show you. I want to hide in the closet so I can have a look."

The next day, Mrs. Schmidlap asks the girl, the two of them go into the bedroom, and the girl strips and shows her. Then the girl says, "I've never seen one with hair on it. Can I see yours?"

So Mrs. Schmidlap pulls off her clothes and shows her. That night, Mrs. Schmidlap says to her husband, "I hope you're satisfied, because I was pretty embarrassed when that girl asked to see mine."

Her husband says, "You think you were embarrassed...I had the four guys I play poker with in the closet with me."

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# The Royal Robbery

Her Majesty, the Queen, and Her Royal Highness, Princess Diana, were out for a drive in the country. Suddenly, upon a quiet road, they were set upon and stopped by a highwayman. He forced them out of the car at gunpoint, and demanded their jewels.

"Give me your tiara, Ma'am," demanded the robber.

"I'm sorry," replied the Queen. "I did not wear my tiara today."

"Well then, give me your ring, your highness!" demanded the robber.

"I'm sorry, but I didn't wear my ring today," replied the Princess.

Frustrated, the robber waved them away, and drove off with the Bentley, getting at least something for his efforts. The Queen, Princess and their chauffeur made it back to Windsor castle, where they related their ordeal to the Queen Mother.

After the Queen Mother received an account of the robbery she turned to Queen Elizabeth and asked, "I thought that you wore your tiara today?"

"But I did. When I saw the robber pull us over, I hid the tiara in my private place."

The Queen Mother turned towards Diana and said, "And you - I thought you wore your ring today?"

"I did, but like Momsie, I hid the ring in my private place."

At this point the chauffeur interjected, "It's a shame, Ma'am, that Princess Margaret wasn't wi' us. We could have saved the Bentley!"

# Eccentric Psychiatrist

One year at Halloween a rich business tycoon was giving a costume party in his palatial mansion. All the gentry were there and as they arrived the butler would announce what there characters were.

When one couple arrived he announced "Mickey and Minnie Mouse."

As the next couple arrived he announced "Tarzan and Jane."

...and so on as each guest arrived.

Later in the evening a man arrived dressed only in a pair of underpants but apart from that totally naked from head to toe.

"Who do you think you are?" demanded the butler. Having ascertained that the man was indeed an invited guest from the local university psychiatry department, the butler asked, "How shall I announce you?"

The man said, "I'm premature ejaculation."

"I'm very sorry sir" said the butler in obvious shock, "I cannot announce anything like that to such a gathering."

"O.K." said the professor. "Just say I came in my pants."

# A Tip for Fido

Just after the maid had been fired, she took five bucks from her purse and threw it to Fido, the family dog.

When asked why by her former employer, she answered, "I never forget a friend. This was for helping me clean the dishes all the time!"
Terry's Joke Collection

**Volume I - Animal to Bar Jokes**

Chapter 1 - Animal Jokes

Chapter 2 - Aviation Jokes

Chapter 3 - Bar & Pub Jokes

**Volume II - Barber to Domestic Staff Jokes**

Chapter 1 - Barber & Beautician Jokes

Chapter 2 - Bedside Jokes

Chapter 3 - Blind & Deaf Jokes

Chapter 4 - Blonde Jokes

Chapter 5 - Cafe & Restaurant Jokes

Chapter 6 - Cannibal & Jungle Jokes

Chapter 7 - College & University Jokes

Chapter 8 - Cowboy & Indian Jokes

Chapter 9 - Dentist & Optometrist Jokes

Chapter 10 - Domestic Staff Jokes.

**Volume III - Drugstore to Genie Jokes**

Chapter 1 - Drugstore & Pharmacy Jokes

Chapter 2 - Engineer & Programmer Jokes

Chapter 3 - Farm & Rural Jokes

Chapter 4 - Fireman & Paramedic Jokes

Chapter 5 - Fishing & Camping Jokes

Chapter 6 - Funeral & Cemetery Jokes

Chapter 7 - Garden of Eden Jokes

Chapter 8 - Gay & Lesbian Jokes

Chapter 9 - Genie & Magic Jokes

**Volume IV - Golfing to Kid Jokes**

Chapter 1 - Golfing Jokes

Chapter 2 - Heaven & Hell Jokes

Chapter 3 - Hobo & Drunk Jokes

Chapter 4 - Hooker & Stripper Jokes

Chapter 5 - Hotel & Motel Jokes

Chapter 6 - Hunting & Trapping Jokes

Chapter 7 - Kid & School Jokes

**Volume V - Lawyer to Medical Jokes**

Chapter 1 - Lawyer & Courtroom Jokes

Chapter 2 - Marriage & Relationship Jokes

Chapter 3 - Medical & Hospital Jokes

**Volume VI - Military to Newlywed Jokes**

Chapter 1 - Military & Nautical Jokes

Chapter 2 - Miscellaneous Jokes

Chapter 3 - Motorcycle & Biker Jokes

Chapter 4 - Nationality & Ethnic Jokes

Chapter 5 - Newlywed Jokes

**Volume VII - Nurse to Redneck Jokes**

Chapter 1 - Nurse & Receptionist Jokes

Chapter 2 - Parent & In-Law Jokes

Chapter 3 - Poker & Gambling Jokes

Chapter 4 - Police & Prison Jokes

Chapter 5 - Political Jokes

Chapter 6 - Psychiatrist & Asylum Jokes

Chapter 7 - Redneck & Hillbilly Jokes

**Volume VIII - Religion to Senior Citizen Jokes**

Chapter 1 - Religion & Clergy Jokes

Chapter 2 - Robot, Alien & Space Jokes

Chapter 3 - Sales & Office Jokes

Chapter 4 - Senior Citizen Jokes

**Volume IX - Sports to Train Jokes**

Chapter 1 - Sports & Recreation Jokes

Chapter 2 - Substitute Jokes

Chapter 3 - Supermarket Jokes

Chapter 4 - Teen & High School Jokes

Chapter 5 - Train, Bus & Taxi Jokes 
