If you don’t have anything to look up to,
you don’t have anything to do, right?
A lot of the meaning that people find in their
lives is purpose driven.
And in order to put effort into something,
to work towards something, you have to assume
axiomatically that what you’re working towards
is better than what you have.
Because why else would you do it?
And there’s a relationship, like, if it’s
way better than what you have, it’s obviously
proportionally difficult.
So you try to balance difficulty with positivity,
let’s say, something like that.
But you’re always aiming up if you’re
aiming.
And if you’re not aiming then you don’t
really have any purpose, and that deprives
your life of meaning, and that’s not good
because if your life is deprived of meaning
then what you’re left with is the suffering.
It’s not neutral, right, it’s negative.
So now the problem with having to aim up is
that produces a hierarchy, because if you
posit and aim then everyone arrays themselves
along a hierarchy of “better at it” to
“worse at it”.
And it doesn’t matter—if you create basketball
as a game, 100 years later you create people
who are hyperspecialized at basketball and
they’re great at it, and virtually everyone
else is bad.
So it doesn’t matter.
As soon as you produce a value proposition,
you produce a hierarchy.
The problem with a hierarchy is it produces
inequality.
The problem with inequality is it produces
resentment.
Right, but you can’t get rid of the damn
hierarchy just because they produce inequality
and resentment, because then you don’t have
anywhere to go.
So that’s not an answer.
Okay, so let’s say you’re trying to deal
with the fact that you have to put up with
a hierarchy if you’re going to have any
values.
Well, how do you escape from the resentment
trap?
And the answer is you do an intelligent multidimensional
analysis of your life.
It’s like, by the time you’re 30, I would
say, you’re a pretty singular person.
You’re unique and particular and your life
has multiple dimensions.
And you’re more or less successful—or
not—along many of those dimensions.
But it’s a completely ridiculous game to
pick someone else arbitrarily, who’s doing
much better than you on one of those dimensions,
to assume that you’re a failure because
of that, or that the world is unfair because
of that, without knowing in full detail all
of the rest of the elements of their lives.
I mean, look, we’re absolutely awash in
stories of unhappy celebrities mired in interminable
divorces or in affairs or in addictions.
And that’s par for the course.
It’s not helpful.
It’s helpful to have a goal.
It’s necessary to have a hierarchy.
It’s not particularly useful to compare
yourself to other people.
But it is useful to compare yourself to yourself.
That’s the right baseline, right?
That takes everything else into account.
And it’s really practically useful.
And I’ve done this in my clinical practice
very frequently.
It’s like okay, let’s take stock of where
you are and then let’s hypothesize about
where you would like to be.
It’s a complex conversation because we want
to figure out what’s not so good about your
present situation—exactly, precisely—and
then come up with a hypothesis about what
your life would look like if it was better.
And then we can work on incremental improvement.
And the idea would be there’s some step
you could take, that you would take, that
would make today or tomorrow fractionally
better than yesterday.
And then you can iterate that.
And that’s actually unbelievably powerful.
You hit the effect of compounding interest,
let’s say, very, very rapidly if you do
that.
So there’s real utility in incremental progress.
And you don’t have to improve your life
much in increments to start hitting the effect
of compounding interest.
You make one thing slightly better, and that
increases the probability that you’ll make
the next thing slightly better—as well as
having its positive side effects.
And so even if you make small steps forward
and you do that regularly, that can turn your
life around very rapidly over a one- to two-year
period.
I mean, that’s a long time, one to two years,
but it’s not a lifetime.
And it certainly beats the hell out of going
downhill precipitously, which tends to be
the alternative.
It’s better and it keeps you out of the
resentment, you know.
It’s also more realistic because it’s
not like everyone else doesn’t have their
problems.
You know, we have these fictitious, successful
people that it’s easy for us to compare
ourselves to detrimentally and to become jealous
and bitter about that, but also to be very
hard on ourselves because we’re not successful.
If you talk to successful people, let’s
say—and I’m not trying to say that there’s
no such thing as genuine accomplishment because
obviously there is—but even people who are
successful have lives that are very difficult,
and they have an ill family member or aged
parents or they’re suffering from some serious
illness themselves which is very, very common.
Or they have a psychological problem that’s
not trivial or they have traumatic past.
It’s like—life is brutal.
And becoming resentful about your relative
position is a way to make it more brutal.
It’s not helpful to you, and it’s not
helpful to anyone else.
