>>> THINK ABOUT THE LAST
>>> THINK ABOUT THE LAST
CONVERSATION WITH YOUR SISTER OR
BEST FRIEND AND YOU PROBABLY
TALKED ABOUT HOW GUILTY YOU FELT
ABOUT SOMETHING.
>> WHETHER IT’S NOT SPENDING
ENOUGH TIME WITH YOUR PARTNER OR
SECOND GUESSING A DECISION YOU
MADE WITH YOUR KIDS, GUILT SEEMS
TO BE NONSENSE.
>> LUCKY FOR US LIFE COACH
VALERIE BURTON IS HERE TO HELP
US RESET EXPECTATIONS WITH TIPS
FROM "LET GO OF THE GUILT; STOP
BEATING YOURSELF UP AND TAKE
BACK YOUR JOY."
HI, VALERIE.
WE ARE SO HAPPY THAT YOU ARE
HERE BECAUSE HODA AND I TALK
ABOUT HOW WE’RE ALL SAYING WE
ARE SORRY.
GUILT IS A MAJOR THING.
>> SO MUCH.
>> WE SAY WE’RE SORRY TOO MUCH.
WHAT IS YOUR DEFINITION OF
GUILT?
YOU SAY THERE’S TWO TYPES.
>> THERE ARE.
THERE’S THE GUILT -- AND ONE IS
SOMETHING WRONG OR I CAUSED
HARM.
AND THE FAULT GUILT IS I FEEL
LIKE I’VE DONE SOMETHING WRONG
OR CAUSED HARM EVEN THOUGH YOU
MAY NOT HAVE AND I THINK THIS IS
EPIDEMIC, ESPECIALLY AMONG
WOMEN.
>> SO THAT’S THE FALSE GUILT,
YOU THINK YOU’VE DONE SOMETHING
AND YOU HAVEN’T.
I FEEL LIKE I’M ALWAYS LIKE --
LIKE SOMETIMES I’LL SAY, SORRY,
I NEED TO CHANGE THIS.
BUT IT WAS REALLY GOOD BUT
CHANGE A LITTLE BECAUSE I FIND
MYSELF OVER EXPLAINING AND MAYBE
I SHOULDN’T BE FEELING GUILTY
ABOUT THAT STUFF.
>> ABSOLUTELY.
I WENT ON A PLANE AND A WOMAN
APOLOGIZING TO EVERYBODY TAKING
THE LUGGAGE DOWN THE AISLE.
I’M SORRY.
I’M SORRY.
I’M SORRY.
SO OFTEN WE’RE FEELING GUILTY
ABOUT HOW MUCH TIME WE SPEND
WITH THE PEOPLE WE LOVE, HOW WE
WORK AND A LOT OF PEOPLE HAVING
TO WORK WHILE THEIR KIDS ARE AT
SCHOOL, AT HOME, AND THEY CAN’T
GIVE A SYSTEM.
A LOT OF GUILT AROUND THAT.
AROUND DECISIONS, WHETHER YOU
PUT THEM IN SCHOOL OR YOU HAVE
THEM AT SCHOOL, FEEL GUILTY ONE
WAY OR ANOTHER.
PUTTING THEM IN HARM?
CAUSING THEM SOCIAL PROBLEMS
BECAUSE THEY DON’T HAVE ANY
INTERACTION?
THERE IS A LOT WE FEEL GUILTY
ABOUT.
>> TALK ABOUT AUTHENTIC GUILT.
YOU SAY THAT’S DIFFERENT AND AN
UPSIDE TO THIS.
>> YES.
GUILT IS A PURPOSE.
WHEN WE HAVE DONE SOMETHING
WRONG WE OUGHT TO MAKE UP FOR IT
OR ABOUT TO DO SOMETHING WRONG
GUILT CAN STOP US BUT THERE’S AN
UPSIDE.
KONS
OFTENTIMES
OFTENTIMES PEOPLE WHO ARE
CONCIENTIOUS ARE SETTING
THEMSELVES UP TO GUILT.
>> I FEEL LIKE MEN DON’T CARE AS
MUCH AS WE DO.
THEY NEVER FEEL GUILTY.
WE FEEL GUILTY ABOUT THE DUMBEST
THINGS AND THEY’RE LIKE, WHAT?
I HAD TO FIRE HIM.
WAIT, WHAT?
>> I’LL NEVER FORGET DROPPING MY
SON OFF AT PRESCHOOL A COUPLE
YEARS AGO AND MY HUSBAND AND I
DROPPED TOGETHER.
I SAID I FEEL SO GUILTY.
HE’S LIKE, ABOUT WHAT?
WORKING, I HAVE THIS BUSINESS
AND HE HAS TO GO TO SCHOOL.
HE IS LIKE, HE DOESN’T WANT TO
BE AT HOME WITH YOU.
HE HAS THE BROS THERE AT
PRESCHOOL.
HE DIDN’T UNDERSTAND MY GUILT.
THIS IS WHAT YOU WANTED, RIGHT?
YES.
I GOT THERE AND STILL FELT IT.
>> YES!
OKAY.
SO WHAT ARE THE BIG THINGS?
I THINK PARTICULARLY NOW THERE
MIGHT BE SPECIFIC THINGS THAT WE
ARE ALL -- THAT WE ALL HAVE IN
COMMON AND ALL FEELING GUILTY
ABOUT AND MAYBE IF WE ADDRESS --
>> LET’S GET NOT GUILTY.
HOW DO WE GET UNGUILTY?
>> NUMBER ONE, RESET YOUR
EXPECTATIONS.
IN THE MIDDLE OF THE PANDEMIC,
IF WE HAVE THE SAME EXPECTATIONS
AS OURSELVES OF A YEAR AGO WE
FALL SHORT OF THOSE SO DATED
EXPECTATIONS THAT -- VAGUE ONES.
LIKE WHEN WE SURVEYED OVER 500
PEOPLE FOR THIS, MOST SAID THEY
FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW THEY EAT
OR NOT EXERCISING ENOUGH.
WHAT IS ENOUGH?
IF YOU’RE NOT SPECIFIC ABOUT THE
GOALS THEN YOU CAN ALWAYS DO
BETTER OR DO MORE SO STOP AND
SAY WHAT IS SUCCESS LOOK LIKE?
YOU STILL HAVE --
>> I FEEL GUILTY BECAUSE OUR
CONNECTION ISN’T GREAT.
>> ME TOO.
I FEEL BAD.
>> OH NO.
>> IT IS JUST A LITTLE FUNKY.
DON’T WORRY.
CAN YOU TELL US THE THREE THINGS
TO GET JOY IN OUR LIFE AND GUILT
OUT?
>> ABSOLUTELY.
RESET YOUR EXPECTATIONS.
WHAT BRINGS YOU -- ABOUT THAT.
NUMBER TWO, WHEN YOU’RE FEELING
GUILT OR ANY OTHER NEGATIVE
EMOTION, LABEL IT.
THAT’S GUILT AND WHAT THAT DOES
IS IT CREATES AND INTERRUPTS.
REACT AUTOOUT OF THAT GUILT.
PUSH BACK ON IT.
QUESTION THE GUILT.
IS THIS TRUE?
AM I REALLY DOING SOMETHING
WRONG?
WHEN WE DO THAT, WE SLOW
OURSELVES UP AND SET OURSELVES
UP FOR JOY.
>> THANK YOU!
>> WE LOVE YOU.
CHECK OUT THE GREAT BOOK CALLED
