 
Superkid and the Mutant Plants

Published by A. E. Lucky at Smashwords

Copyright 2014 A. E. Lucky

Smashwords Edition, License Notes

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Introduction

You got it! You got it! You finally got it! After an excruciatingly long time of trudging through one banal new release after another, you finally got your hands on the exciting fourth edition to the Superkid series! Now you can read it and show it to all your friends and exchange ideas and theories about who the best superhero--Superkid, obviously, seeing as he's the only one--and the best supervillains are and...

Oh, right, you have to read it first. Fine, then I shall tell you of the exciting adventures that Superkid had while battling giant, ferocious mutant plants that threatened to overrun Poolington and turn every human being into slaves to serve their diabolical, evil, planty needs.

But first, a quick recap.

In the first book, _Superkid_ , an ordinary twelve-year-old kid, who is a bit of a coward, is hypnotized to be without fear and becomes the superhero that we all know and love today. First major bad guy battle is with a giant, malicious arachnid with an atrocious singing voice. Then he gets taught karate by Black Belt who turns into his archenemy later on. Then he fights an evil mad scientist named Doctor Red. After that he battles the evil Vampire who tries to suck out all his vitality, but he breaks her leg so she swears vengeance on him, which leads up to Book #2...

... _Superkid and the Vampire's Revenge_ where the Vampire escapes jail and concocts a complicated evil plan to kidnap Superkid's mom and then break his leg. She recruits the help of Black Belt, who later turns against her, so Superkid and his friends save his mom and escape. The Vampire goes back to jail. We also got some sneak peeks at Dr. Red working on an evil machine, which led up to...

... _Superkid and the Clone, Book #3_ where Dr. Red accidentally creates a clone of Superkid who thinks Superkid is the clone and so goes off to take back his rightful place as the real Superkid, which he finds out later he's not, so after they join forces and battle Doctor Red, they give each other a teary goodbye and then the clone drifts off into the sunset... where he went, I can't say... yet. His book will come out soon though, just be patient. I mean, you just got this one and you haven't even read it yet, for Pete's sake!

But with all of those out of the way, it is now time for the story you've all grown beards waiting for! A. E. Lucky is proud to present... _Superkid and the Mutant Plants_! Da-d-d-da!

Chapter 1: Delivery Mix-up

It was a dark and stormy night... all right, I'm kidding. It was actually a bright and sunny day... very bright... verrrrry sunny. A brightness that seared the inside of your corneas and a sunniness that boiled your brain into cerebral soup. Welcome to Poolington, a runt of a town fending for itself in the middle of a vast and merciless desert--not to mention, bland.

Now let's move to the outskirts of Poolington where the temperature is even more unbearable--no, you don't have a choice. Here we find an abandoned post office. It's not in too bad of shape. Just a little dusty with graffiti on its walls and a missing "L" in the words POOLINGTON POST OFFICE. The joke's all yours!

Why are we here? You mean to tell me you seriously haven't had enough experience with these sorts of things to know that a story is about to take off here? Well, there's no need to worry because I 'm going to tell you why. Hold on to your hats, everyone.

Past the dusty doors of the Poolington Post Office is the counter where the clerk used to give you your key to a post office box on the walls. Past the door behind the counter between the walls where the post office boxes are is the sorting room where the mail used to be sorted.

And underneath a trapdoor in the sorting room past the counter between the walls where the post offices are beyond the dusty doors of the abandoned post office on the outskirts of town in the middle of... oh, all right! Stop nagging! Underneath the trapdoor was a storage room where they used to keep all their records. You happy now?

But notice I said, "used to" because now it is the lair of the nefarious Doctor Red! Ha! Told you there was a reason to go into an abandoned post office! He had turned the box-filled, moldy-smelling, dimly lit basement into a machine-and-chemical-filled, moldy-smelling, dimly lit laboratory. He was currently working on a strange weapon that would rapid-fire paralyzing pellets for his next encounter with our hero, Superkid. He would use the gun to paralyze the kid hero then finish him off with a machine that would clamp itself to Superkid's head and suck out all his brains until he was left a babbling idiot! Oh, the horror!

But as he was tightening the bolt on the rotational hinge, he heard a knock on the upstairs door. Knock-knock-knock.

He looked up in puzzlement and muttered, "Who could that be? This is an abandoned post office!"

The knock came again. So, with a grumble, he set his half-finished weapon on the worktable and went upstairs to open the door. When he saw through the glass door who was knocking, his face changed from grumpy to eager, for the person knocking on the door of an abandoned post office was none other than a postal worker!

"He must be delivering me my order of extra-large, degradable capsules," said the evil doctor, rubbing his hands together excitedly. He opened the door.

"Are you Doctor R. E. D.?" the postal worker immediately asked him.

"Doctor Red, that's me," he answered.

"Sign here, please." The postal worker held out a clipboard and a pen, so he signed. Then he handed the pen and clipboard back to the postal worker, who commented, "You know, I didn't think anyone lived here anymore, but I guess you do." He chuckled.

Dr. Red shrugged and waved his hand over the dusty building. "I plan on refurbishing it once my work is complete."

"That's great. Nice to see old buildings being lived in again." The postal worker wiped a dark curl off his forehead, sighed, and remarked, "Some hot weather we're having. Is that how you got your sunburn?"

"Yep," said Red tersely. Of course, he didn't actually have a sunburn. It was the result of an experimental accident, but that wasn't anyone's business. And the next person to stick his nose where it didn't belong was going to get it fried off!

The postman sensed his impatience, so he handed the mad scientist the package he was carrying under his arm--which was a violation of the postman's code since the post office had received too many complaints about their mail being covered in sweat--and said, "Here you go, sir, I mean, Doctor."

"Thank you," said Dr. Red. When he took the box, he was a little surprised at how heavy it was.

The postman tipped his hat and said, "Have a good day, Doctor." He turned to leave but then paused and added over his shoulder, "Oh, and don't forget to put on sunscreen!"

The malicious medical professional rolled his eyes and shut the door. He carried his package down into his laboratory, set it on the worktable, then chuckled as he rubbed his hands.

"My capsules have arrived at last. My weapon is nearly complete! Soon, Superkid will be mine!"

Laughing evilly, he ripped off the tape from the package. Still laughing evilly, he opened the flaps and looked in. No longer laughing evilly, he pulled out the delivery from the package. Screwing up his face in puzzlement, he studied the delivery.

"What in the heck is this?" he growled.

The answer to his question was... a plant. To be more precise, a Venus flytrap. To be snooty, a _Dionaea muscipula_ \--a species that eats flies or other small insects that trigger its hair-like teeth--called trichomes--which causes it to snap shut over its prey and release juices that digest the unfortunate pest over a course of ten days or so. Ha! Didn't think you'd learn something from this book, did you?

After studying this interesting specimen of carnivorous flora for a few moments, the medical professional growled, "This isn't what I ordered! Where did this come from? What happened to my order?"

Would he have turned his attention from the mistaken delivery to the package it was delivered in, he might have discovered the problem. On the sticker that read, "Deliver to:" the name that was scrawled on it was Doctor Rowenna E. Doublin.

Rowenna E. Doublin, hm... sounds familiar...

We interrupt this narrative for this special news bulletin. Coming to you live from the greenhouse of the esteemed psychologist, Doctor Rowenna E. Doublin. It seems there was a delivery mix-up today, for when she opened her package, expecting the newest addition to her collection of strange and interesting plants, what she pulled out instead were extra-large degradable capsules! The doctor has called the post office to investigate this mistake. The post office assures her they will look into the problem and correct it as soon as possible.

We will now return you to your regularly scheduled narrative.

Doctor Red wasn't too happy about getting an ugly plant instead of the degradable capsules he wanted. He tossed the plant onto the table and then decided he was going to call the post office and complain. That's when he realized he didn't know their number. When he decided to look up their number, he realized he didn't have a phonebook. And when he decided to call the operator to learn their number, he realized he didn't have a _phone_!

So without a number, without a phonebook, and without a phone, there was nothing he could really do. Now some of you hawkeyed readers might be wondering, _then how did he order the capsules in the first place?_ I'm not really sure how he did it, to be honest with you... but I'm sure I could come up with a creative answer if I really wanted to!

The mad doctor glanced at the Venus flytrap with a look of irritation. He suddenly became aware of how dim it was down here in the basement and realized that plants need light to grow. So he picked it up. He patted the red pot it sat in and said soothingly to it, "Let's find you a warmer spot, shall we? Somewhere with lots of sun. You don't mind sun, do you? Or the heat?"

He found a nice, sunny spot on a windowsill upstairs. After setting it gently down, he looked down at the plant's teeth (trichomes) and with a tempted grin slowly reached his finger into the plant's mouth and tickled it.

The mouth suddenly snapped shut over his finger. With a fond chuckle, he pulled his finger out of its mouth and stroked its broad, flat head.

"I think you and I are going to be great friends," he said to it.

Little did he realize...

Chapter 2: The Care and Feeding of Your Carnivorous Flora

It was an unlikely and somewhat disconcerting relationship between the mad doctor and his carnivorous plant. He did some research, gave the Venus flytrap plenty of water, put it where it would receive plenty of sunlight--not too much though, he discovered, Venus flytraps don't like direct sunlight--and invested his energy into catching it the biggest, juiciest insects he could find. And his devotion to it only grew as the days passed. Soon his inventions were gathering layers of dust, his concoctions were either congealing or evaporating, and the sketches on his drawing board were fading from his lack of inspiration. Fortunately, it didn't take him long to realize that his evil scheming was falling by the wayside and he came up with a brilliant idea that would allow him to balance work and family. Since the Venus flytrap needed more light than what the basement provided, Dr. Red decided to move his laboratory upstairs.

"There we are," he grunted as he set down his heavy worktable that he had dragged all the way upstairs--and no, I don't have any clue how he got it up the ladder! He flashed a smile at his precious plant sitting on the shaded portion of the windowsill and cooed to it, "Now you can watch Daddy while he works!"

The Venus flytrap seemed to smile back at him-- _seem_ to, you understand, because everyone knows plants can't actually smile. Maybe they could in cartoons and whimsical pieces of literature, but you wouldn't consider this a whimsical piece of literature--and _certainly_ not a cartoon--now would you?

With all the "gushing with love" and "goo goo eyes" between Dr. Red and the _Dionaea muscipula_ , it might appear that this story is going to turn into a romantic comedy to the untrained eye. But some of us know better. Some of us know that all this is nothing more than a setup for a tragedy--made all the more gripping by the knowledge that this was Dr. Red's first true love for someone other than himself... even if it was a plant. For what could be more heartwarming than a cold, withdrawn evil scientist finding "the one" who would melt his frozen heart and show him the true meaning of love? And, consequently, what could be more heart-wrenching than having these two torn apart just when this same cold, withdrawn evil scientist had learned the true meaning of love?

But can we, in good conscience, allow this tragedy to happen? Can we just sit back as tragedy takes this love in its cold, skeletal hands and rips it apart like gooey fettuccini? Well, what else can we do? You're just a reader and I'm just the narrator who relates these kinds of events to you as they happen.

And so the story continues on its course with Doctor Red's and the _Dionaea muscipula_ 's love for each other growing--both unaware of the tragedy that was to befall them--never knowing that it would strike them unexpectedly and cruelly one day.

And strike them one day it did. It happened on what appeared to be an ordinary, non-tragic day to the mad doctor and his precious _Dionaea muscipula_ , neither of whom ever figured it would be an unordinary and very tragic day. Dr. Red was working on his weapon, as usual, occasionally smiling at his plant. He was mixing solutions together to put into his extra-large degradable capsules--which he had finally received after reordering them about two weeks ago... and never mind how he did it without a phone!

"Once I get this mix right," said Dr. Red to the Venus flytrap as he poured a murky purple liquid into a beaker full of thick, red goop, "Superkid will not stand a chance against me! For when this stuff touches him, he will become paralyzed! Then I will stick this helmet on his head--" he pointed to a baseball helmet that the mad scientist had outfitted with strange, flashing lights; odd, gleaming knobs; and miles upon miles of wire, "--and use it to suck the brains out of him until he's nothing more than a gibbering baby! And then I will have defeated that obnoxious snot, Superkid!" Overcome with the excitement of it, he threw out his arms and laughed evilly.

The Venus flytrap rocked as though it was laughing with him... but it was just a breeze coming through the window that Dr. Red had opened so it wouldn't be so hot. Everyone knows plants can't actually join in a mad scientist's mirth.

The potion turned deep marigold. Dr. Red lifted it above his head, grabbed another potion (poisonous green), and said, "One more chemical should do the trick. Then I will have my Paralyzing Potion!"

He slowly tipped the test tube. The potion slowly flowed toward the mouth of the tube. His mouth slowly stretched wider. His heart slowly beat faster.

The liquid flowed to the lip... it formed into a drop that slowly grew bigger... the drop stretched and started slowly to fall toward the marigold mixture... and then...

HIS WATCH BEEPED! Heh heh, did I scare you? No? Oh, so you saw the words coming, huh? Okay then. We'll just move on.

He tipped his watch toward his face in surprise, which tipped the beaker anticlimactically away from the marigold mixture, and murmured. "Lunchtime already?" Then he shrugged and set the two chemicals down. He glanced over at the Venus flytrap and grinned at it. "You look like you're ready for lunch too."

The plant bobbed its head as though it was agreeing--but again, it was just the breeze. So Doctor Red went downstairs where he was most likely to find a bug. Looking into the mess down there, he discovered a big, fat, shiny black spider in one of the beakers that still had rust-colored residue in it. It didn't seem too pleased with having its house disturbed for it scrambled madly inside the beaker when Red picked it up and inspected it. Dr. Red on the other hand was quite pleased with his find. As he climbed up the ladder, he called playfully to his little sprout, "I'm coming, Vena! I caught you a real treat today! Ah, ah! I'm not telling, but I'll give you a hint..." He climbed out of the trapdoor where his Venus flytrap could see him, so he hid the beaker behind his back. "It's big and black and..."

The beaker dropped out of his hands and shattered on the floor. The big, black spider immediately shot away for freedom, but the malevolent doctor didn't even notice. His attention was on his Venus flytrap and his jaw was agape at what was stealing his attention.

"Vena!" he cried, "what's happening to you?"

That tragedy that I had been alluding to for the last little while had struck and struck hard. Although, Red was really the one to blame. If he had only been a little more careful, it would never have happened. The evil doctor, of all people, should have known that you should never leave unstable chemicals out in the open where children can get into them--especially young sprouts. Some terrible luck could also be blamed too.

You see, Dr. Red had left it right in the path of a sunbeam, which is what started it all. The sunbeam heated the marigold mixture to a violent boil, causing the chemical to expand to the rim of the beaker and then spray all over the place: onto the table, onto the wood floor where the little spots the mixture touched swelled into horrendous boils like those on a teenager's face (nothing personal), and, most importantly, onto Dr. Red's precious plant, Vena... yes, I know it's a little strange to give your plants names, but he is a mad scientist, after all.

Where the chemical splashed onto the _Dionaea muscipula_ , shiny and enormous lumps grew. Vena twitched as though in pain, though I'm pretty sure that was just a breeze. Her mouth snapped open and shut, which may have been tiny droplets of the mixture striking her trichomes. Then she let out an unearthly shriek, which could have been the result of... well... you know, I can't think of anything! And did I really refer to a non-sentient plant as a "she"?

But there were more strange and totally inexplicable effects to come. For you see, the Venus flytrap... it began to grow! It grew with a sound like when your mom puts on her sweatpants and the fibers rip, but a dozen times more terrible. Its stalk expanded, becoming thick and corded like your big brother's muscular arm. Its teeth lengthened, becoming pointier than needles and more crooked than your own teeth... hey, you didn't think I'd leave _you_ out, did you?

Its head grew, quickly becoming the size of a basketball... a wrecking ball... a, uh, something bigger... and it was still growing--much too quickly to really keep up with. On the other end of the plant, the pot it had grown in cracked and then utterly shattered as dirt poured out and thick snaky roots plopped onto the table and then slithered over it. One of the roots headed for the beaker.

Doctor Red started to lunge. "Vena, no!"

Too late! The root struck the beaker on the side, sending it spinning like a coin toward the rapidly growing Venus flytrap and flinging even more of the viperous chemical all over it until it tripped over one of the roots and dumped the entire thing onto its stalk. An enormous lump shaped a little like the profile of someone quite ugly erupted from it, which caused the plant to give another shriek and begin to grow faster. A root struck his weapon and pushed it over the edge of the table where it hit the floor with a clack. The roots themselves hit the floor with heavy thuds and slithered along, growing thicker and thicker by the second! They soon hit the walls and began to tangle and coil together, slapping against the walls so hard that Dr. Red thought they might collapse.

"What am I going to do?" he moaned. The office was quickly being filled up by heavy roots and if he didn't get out soon, he would be crushed. But he couldn't just leave Vena!

Love can be a very strange thing sometimes. Fortunately, there are ways of manipulating those who've succumbed to the strange sickness of love. In this case, it was the Venus flytrap pushing through the ceiling--almost literally, two appendages that could have been taken for arms, with three fronds on either end that looked strangely like fingers, appeared to be pressed against it with a crackle of breaking timber. The doctor, mad with love, turned and stumbled outside then turned and gaped at his baby.

Which wasn't so much a baby anymore as it was a granddaddy of mutated monstrosities. It had finished growing and now towered over fifty feet with ten feet of needle-like teeth, thirty feet of arm-like appendages and over five thousand feet of water-carrying veins... Does that sound about right? I'm guesstimating the numbers here. In any case, it was big enough that the evil scientist--who had seen some pretty impressive stuff in his day--was very impressed.

"Holy cow," he breathed. "Vena?"

It moved--and it sure as heck wasn't the breeze this time! Only a full-force hurricane could get this hulking giant to budge! But upon hearing its name, it turned its head and looked down at Dr. Red.

He laughed, "Vena! My, look at how you've grown!"

The plant just stared at him. Then it opened its mouth and hissed, "Rrrrrrrrrrrrah!"

Dr. Red's grin became a worried frown. "Vena?"

"Rrrrrrrrrrrrah... Rrrrrrrrrrrrrredddddddd!" Then it reached down for him with one of its appendages that looked remarkably like arms.

Red cried as he backed away, "Whoa, whoa! Vena! I took good care of you remember? Whoa!" He leaped backwards before the three fronds that looked remarkably like fingers snapped shut over where he had been. The arm-like appendage with the three finger-like fronds came back to the Venus flytrap's head. The Venus flytrap's head faced the finger-like clench as though studying it curiously... you know what? The thing's alive for crying out loud! I think we can safely assume that its arm-like appendages were arms and its finger-like fronds were fingers and its head-like head was a... well, a head! And the head studied its fingers clasped in its arms as though it was curious--no wait, it _did_ study it curiously.

The fingers opened. When the gigantic _Dionaea muscipula_ discovered its hand was empty, it threw back its head and gave a shrill fingernails-on-chalkboard screech of "RRRRRREDDDD!" And then it shot its arm down again.

"VENA, NO!" Dr. Red launched himself away from her grasp but tripped over something that clattered in front of him so that when he fell, he discovered that it was his weapon he had been constructing before his baby started having growing pains. Behind him, Vena's hand struck the asphalt with a crack and scooped up the resulting chunks. Once again it opened its hand to find that Dr. Red was not in its hand and it threw the chunks in a fit of temper and screeched again, "RRRRRRRREDDDDD!"

More arms shot from its body and aimed for the mad scientist. Snatching up his weapon, Red took off running, dodging giant plant arms, bobbing left then right then under. Never before had Red run so fast! He had a searing pain in his side, which might explain why he had never done it before. In desperation, he looked ahead for some sort of refuge from the wrath of his child-rearing experience gone wrong and he spotted a street corner. He thought, _if I can reach it, I'll be able to hide and Vena can't get me!_ Or that could have been his side-ache talking.

Suddenly, the street in front of him erupted into a shower of pavement. A thick root had just popped out of the street and was swinging right for the doctor.

"Aaaaack!" Doctor Red thought he was done for, but somehow he managed to leap over it as it swept under him. Although it didn't manage to grab him, it did knock his feet out from under him and he fell onto the ground in a belly flop. And you thought water was painful!

But there wasn't time for a collective "Oooh!" The root had reared back for a second attempt at the doctor's head as he was getting back to his feet. But this time when it came swinging for him, he cleared it with inches to spare! Fueled by the adrenaline from his victory, he swung around the corner and disappeared.

The giant Venus flytrap leaned over in an attempt to see around the street corner, but it couldn't stretch that far. So it probed around it with its root to see if it could feel around the street corner, but although its root was long enough for that, it didn't feel its villainous creator anywhere.

Dr. Red had successfully escaped.

The enormous mutated flora threw back its massive head and blasted the town with its shrill cry of "RRRRRRRRRRRREDDDDDDDD!" Then it thrust its roots into the ground with an earth-shaking crack and pushed them outward through the soil.

"RRRRRRRRREDDDDDDDD!"

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Chapter 3: Rise of the Mutant Plants

The plant was quite busy over the next couple of hours though you couldn't tell that just by looking at it. But most people were impressed enough with its size and the town was all abuzz with this environmental marvel. Here's what they had to say about it:

**Old fat man wearing baseball cap** : _It's huge! There's this great big plant sticking out of this building that's just... totally destroyed!_ (Swings out arms for emphasis)

**Woman stroking grumpy-looking cat** : _When I saw it, I was like, "Wow, is that real?"_

**Teenager with nose ring and some boils on face** : _Yeah, dude, I was with my cousin and I was like, "Yo, dude! Check out that wicked-looking plant! It is like... humongosaurus, dude!"_

**Man in business suit** : _I was driving home from work and I just spotted it in my rearview mirror, so I turned back to look and there was this... this giant..._ (holds up hands to indicate size) _plant! Just sticking out of this building! It had to have been about... fifty feet tall!_

And there you have it. A botanical curiosity with a size that stopped most people in their tracks. Were they aware of the activity going on beneath their feet though, they would have been running at Mach speed...

Deep beneath the ground... well, about two feet to be more precise... a thick, worm-like root surged through the soil. It was an unstoppable force of nature cutting through our bedrock (the metaphorical one; the literal bedrock was still some five feet below). Nothing stood against its rampage--not the thick waterline that it punched straight through, not the large body of flint that it shattered into pretty little gemstones, and definitely not the gopher hole where the root startled a sleeping gopher, which scurried away, squeaking in terror.

Then the unstoppable force of nature encountered a network of tiny roots. The mutant root actually hesitated to go through those tiny roots! Those tiny, delicate, innocent roots! The seemingly insignificant natural phenomenon had actually given the definitely significant meta-natural anomaly pause! Once again, nature has awed us with its subtle power... aw, who am I kidding? That mutant root should be ripping through that web-like network of roots like it was tissue paper! So why wasn't it doing that?

...Ah, I see. Yes, it makes perfect sense now. Persuasion versus brute force. Yes, yes, I understand.

You see, when the mutant root encountered the natural roots, instinct told it to not to just bulldoze through the delicate little things but to interact with them. And what exactly does that mean?

With a stretching, ripping sound like your mom's jeans after she's finished Thanksgiving dinner--don't tell her I said that!-- roots popped out of the mutant root, which were smaller--about as small as your mom's little finger. You know, the one she hasn't been able to fit her wedding ring on for the past few years. And from these smaller roots popped out even smaller roots, which were pale and wriggling like little, white worms--the kind you find in your mom's cooking when... uh, hey ma'am! You sure look slimming today! Heh heh! GULAARRGH! All right! All right! I'll cut it out with the mom jokes!

So smaller roots popped out of those roots and still smaller roots popped out of those roots until they were as tiny as threads. Then these thread-like roots threaded their way into the mesh of roots until they were thoroughly threaded. Then, just when you thought they were done, smaller roots popped out! Ah, but these weren't actually roots but sharp, itty bitty spines. Probably doesn't sound very threatening since they're so microscopic, but the purpose they served was definitely very threatening! The spines drew back--a little hard to do when you're surrounded by dirt--and then plunged into the natural roots!

And now the situation reversed: instead of the plant above being inactive while the party was belowground, now the party died belowground while things began to heat up where we humans lived...

Directly above was the edge of an untrimmed yard where things weren't quite so claustrophobic for me. There was grass here so tall that it had grown bushy heads. Very unattractive... but it was soon going to be the least of the reasons for keeping your lawn trimmed. In fact, I've got a friend here, Professor Hugo Green, who's going to give you some other reasons for trimming your lawn:

It is important to keep the lawn well-manicured. What individuals may not realize is that a properly trimmed yard ensures the family remains healthy, happy, and safe. The reasons for not having an ill-kept yard are numerous, but for the sake of brevity, I'll name only three.

The most obvious reason is curb appeal. The first thing people see when they look at a house is the yard, and if it is not properly trimmed, those people will quickly disappear and never return. A lawn that is trimmed will attract people. A lawn that is not will not.

The second reason why it is a good idea to trim your lawn is that tall grass can hide pests and parasites: ticks and hornets among them and snakes for the larger, more dangerous types. Your child could pick up one of these and be in danger of getting disease.

And the final reason for keeping your lawn well-trimmed is the occasional experiment that goes wrong. If the local mad scientist accidentally spills a chemical or releases mutational radiation or blows up a mutated plant that has the ability to take control of other plants and his accident infects your lawn, having it trimmed would give you more time to discover your grass's active mutation and allow you to react in a timely manner. If the mutation occurred in a lawn that was untrimmed, it would surely be too late when you noticed.

In conclusion, keep your lawn trimmed. It will improve your curb appeal, it will reduce pests and parasites that may hide in it, and it will better alert you if a mutation occurs. So just keep your yard trimmed and your family will be happier, healthier, and safer.

And there you have it. A, ah... "brief" essay on the reasons for trimming your lawn. Remind me not to ask his opinion again. But up above the surface by the fence where the grass grew so tall it had bushy heads, something sinister was happening... the grass shivered--and we can forget about using the breeze as an explanation this time! Then the bristles of the bushy heads bristled. Then two tiny, dark depressions appeared in the heads like two hollow eyes. Then each head with the two hollow eyes slowly turned until they were all staring at the same thing... the humans' house. Brrrrrr!

The rest of the grass that hadn't grown bushy heads couldn't have hollow eyes. But they weren't let off the hook either. After being possessed by the mutant root, each one stood straight up, making the entire lawn look like a giant bed of sharp, green nails. Then they tipped toward the house and bobbed up and down in the air, making creepy slurping sounds. The grass closest to the house was actually licking the paint off! The whole yard had turned into some sort of plant tongue garden! Yeck!

But creepy and gross as that was, the worst was yet to come...

In another part of Poolington, there was a pretty blue house. On the walls of either side of the green front door were trellises where vines twined around them and sprouted large leaves, giving the house a cozy feel to it. But that cozy feel would soon become a claustrophobic feel, for the vines had been hijacked by that evil mutant root and were now coming to life!

The purple heads of the vines twitched, causing the leaves below to rustle menacingly. Then they turned and began to slither across the walls like weedy green snakes. They quickly surrounded the windows and front door, all of which were open as an invitation to the breeze in case it showed up. However, the breeze wasn't interested in the invitation and instead it was those virulent vines that showed up--those unwelcome neighbors you never knew you had... you know, the creepy kind digging holes in the middle of the night in your backyard...

They slithered forward...

Mrs. Terrell's rose hedges, which lined her yard, were her pride and joy. The roses they grew popped out at you with their vivid colors: red, orange, pink, white, yellow and even those rare dark, dark purple ones. She kept the hedges watered and trimmed, plucked every weed that dared to poke its puny little head above the surface, and chased off any prankster and nosy neighbor who dared to get within ten feet of them. She was vigilant in making sure nothing happened to them.

But as vigilant as she was, she was unprepared for the attack that occurred in the one place she couldn't keep her eye on... underground. The mutant root plugged itself into the roots of the hedges and began the corruption that would ruin Mrs. Terrell's precious roses.

First, the rose buds stiffened. Then they closed each of their many petals until they were all tightly shut. Then they began stretching and contracting, writhing up and down and from side to side as though they all had terrible bellyaches. Underneath the brightly colored leaves, which were starting to rustle like a mob at a rock festival, the wizened branches began wizening even more, as well as twisting and bunching.

The rose buds--stealing back the spotlight--now opened the same way they closed: one petal at a time. Like layers of curtains, each petal drew back one after another until the center was revealed. And what could possibly be so interesting about the center of a rose that it needed layers of curtains opening one at a time? How about a deep gullet with a ring of teeth leading into it?

Another garden turned horrific, with the same evil design, now turned its attention to the occupant of the cute, little cottage across the lawn. The occupant of the cute, little cottage--a dear, sweet, little, old lady, who was baking pies at the moment--was very unaware of her own rose bushes snaking branches toward her...

The corrupted roots had even spread far into the desert--about five miles outside the middle of nowhere, Poolington. That mutant Venus flytrap was really covering its bases even though there was really nothing...

Oh, wait. Hold on. There was something here all right. Something big... something huge! A white triangular thing that spanned about thirty feet, with three green, spiny legs. Now what sort of strange--and possibly menacing--creature was this that was located in such a remote place? Could it be some sort of alien, which was going to ante up the threat to Poolington and create an even more epic battle for our hero to fight in? Regrettably, no. The white thing was actually a canopy of webbing and the three spiny legs were actually Saguaro cacti. But wait, what's a giant web doing stretched over giant cacti? Who built it?

Why none other than Superkid's oldest yet most forgettable foe, the giant spider. It was currently taking its afternoon siesta, dreaming giant spider dreams and completely ignorant of the fact that it was soon to be subject to the evil of mutated flora.

The virulent roots quickly plugged their spines into the cacti's thick tap roots and were soon on their way to corrupting them all. The Saguaros all shrank a little--you might even call it "cringing from the pain of being transformed into evil mutations"--and then plumped out again, their spines popping out longer, sharper, and pearlier--yes, pearlier! With these new and improved spines, the cacti decided to sever the loops that was holding the canopy up and that's just what they did. The canopy dropped on top of the snoozing arachnid, whose dreams went from swimming peacefully through a beautiful sea to suddenly realizing it couldn't actually breathe underwater and starting to drown. The giant spider thrashed, rolled, and flailed its legs desperately for air. It tumbled first one way and then the other, rolling quite close to the cacti but miraculously not touching it, considering that the cacti were actually _leaning_ forward to poke it!

But eventually its luck ran out. As it mumbled, "Can't breathe! Need to breathe!" the spider rolled close to a mutated cactus. The diabolical plant leaned close and when the spider rolled close enough, it fired its needle! The needle shot straight for the giant arachnid's bulbous abdomen--kind of a hard target to miss, actually--which effectively woke the nightmare-induced crawler.

"YEEEOW!" it roared. "Ow! Geesh! Argh! That hurt! Pain! What the heck am I in anyway?" It thrashed and kicked for a solid minute until it managed to finally free itself. It scuttled back from the web canopy until it recognized it with a halt. It blinked in confusion for a second then it muttered to itself, "Oh, I see. Stupid thing must have fallen off again. Now I have to put it back up." It moved to pick up the web, grumbling to itself. It spun around to put up the web again... and then froze.

The cactus it was staring at was now sporting some wickedly big, long needles almost the size of daggers that the giant arachnid had not seen before! But weirder than that, each and every needle on the cactus was somehow angled so that they all pointed at the evil spider. It was like looking down the barrels of .45 caliber pistols in a Texas showdown--only worse.

The spider gulped. Then it took a careful step backwards...

And dozens of needles all fired straight into its face.

"AAAAAAAAAAARGH!" The gargantuan eight-legged fiend wheeled around and scuttled blindly away to escape the corrupted cacti. It swiped its forelegs at its face in an attempt to brush off the painful needles, but the attempt failed, only causing pain.

"OWWWWWWWWWW! Wish I had fingers... to pull these out with..." It brushed its face again and roared again when this caused another flare of pain. "Need to find someone... someone who can help... help get these out..." And it turned and charged in the direction where it would eventually reach civilization. A civilization in which the population was under 1,000 people and was humbly named Poolington. A civilization that housed its arch-nemesis, Superkid. A civilization that was coming under attack by a bunch of vicious, evil, mutant plants...

AND THEN IT HAPPENED! Plants everywhere began their attack, causing town-wide panic!

In the overgrown yard, children had been playing hide-and-seek but were now screaming as the tall tongue-like grass slurped at their legs. One child, thinking herself clever, had hidden in a big clump of grass and now found the grass forming a dome around her, trapping her in a grass prison. She tried to escape but the grass only bounced her back inside. Terrified out of her wits, the girl began sobbing.

At the pretty blue house--now green due to the snaky vines covering it--chaos suddenly erupted. There were sounds of shattering glass and splintering wood. Soon afterwards, there was the sound of terrified screaming, "SNAAAAAKES! WHY DOES THERE HAVE TO BE SNAAAAAAKES!" then there was more shattering glass--made from China--and tinkling silverware.

Busy baking pies, Mrs. Terrell was unaware that she was about to be assaulted by her own prize roses. Thick, gnarly branches were already at the window, their tips facing the glass as though peering in. They slowly reared back like ropy, needle-head cobras about to strike... and that's how they struck! They smashed through the window. The tinkle of glass mingled with Mrs. Terrell's shrieks of terror. A quarter cup of glass shards was mixed in with the sixteen ounces of cranberries on top of a mixture of 1/3 cup of flour, 1/2 cup of brown sugar, 1/2 teaspoon of baking soda, 1/2 tablespoon of salt, and a dash of her secret ingredient--which was, of course, a secret.

Mrs. Terrell screamed again--likely from fright, but now that I think about it, it could be from the indignation of having her delicious pies ruined. She backed away as she studied the twisted branches. She demanded, "What's going on here?"

The branches didn't answer her--which was to be expected. In all the corruption and morphing, they didn't bother to develop mouths. They crowded through the window like a mob of devoted fans determined to get to her, though I doubt it was to get her autograph or secret pie recipe.

Mrs. Terrell didn't seem to think so either--or maybe she was just really determined to keep that recipe a secret! She spun on her heel and bustled out of there. The evil rose branches shot after her, but with them competing to see which of them would grab her first, they got tangled with each other and Mrs. Terrell managed to slam the kitchen door shut, trapping the branches inside. A close call... or so she thought.

Behind her, her living room windows suddenly shattered and glass shards bounced onto the couch and carpet. More twisted branches surged through the window after her. She screamed and bustled to her bedroom, which was only about three feet to her left, fortunately. The demented branches had to travel about twice that distance to the bedroom straight across from them. That distance was their downfall. They slammed against the door just after the old lady had slammed it behind her. The evil branches tried slithering under the door but the crack was too small. They then tried to twist the knob but, wouldn't you know it, the old lady had it locked!

So then the plants turned to something else--morphing again. With the dry creaking of old rope, huge, sharp thorns emerged from the branches. Wielding these overqualified tools of destruction, they began attacking the door, gouging out large chunks of wood. These evil plants couldn't be stopped for long. Within minutes they would be through the door!

The situation was dire for Mrs. Terrell. She was trapped in her room, there were sounds of wood chunks being ripped from her door, and she was all out of ideas. What was she to do? Oh, what was she to do?

The situation was pretty similar all over the town. Everywhere, plants were coming to life and attacking people, who ran screaming in panic, trying to find a safe place to hide from the demonic vegetation. Windows were shattered, tables were overturned, and mattresses were ripped from their tags. Families gathered in attics, the parents telling their children that everything was going to be all right--a very common myth that parents like to tell their children in crises like these though it was quite obvious that all hope was lost... or was it?

Fortunately for these parents, they all had a shining ray of hope in this darkest of hours. A glistening sponge in the muck of despair. A single rose amongst the hail of rotten tomatoes and eggs. Everywhere, in their attics, the people of Poolington turned to each other and said in solemn tones:

"This is a job for Superkid."

Chapter 4: A Job for Superkid

The Purns' house was suddenly swamped with phone calls. Mrs. Purn was quite surprised by the number of them calling. She quickly became irritated when she discovered what they wanted.

"Superkid? What do you need my son for?...Mutant plants?...You think I should send my son over to save you? Aaron doesn't do that kind of stuff! At least, he shouldn't!...He's not Superkid, he's Aaron!...No, he can't save you, save yourself!...Because he's busy!...What is he busy with? None of your business! Now goodbye!" She slammed the phone down but had to immediately pick it back up when it rang.

But what was Superkid busy with? What kind of secret mission was he on? Something more urgent than mutant plants attacking? Something that threatened the world? Something dangerous and majorly epic?

Actually, no. He was busy in the garden, _pulling_ weeds. They weren't even mutated or evil! Just regular old weeds that had overtaken a perfectly normal garden! Mrs. Purn was using her son to weed her garden while mutant plants were on a rampage! How could she do that?!

I don't know, but while people were screaming in horror, Superkid--he was actually Aaron at the moment--was sweating in the garden, chopping with his mighty trowel at stubborn weeds that were crowding the tulips residing there, dislocating his shoulder, with a merciless sun bearing down on him. Now Aaron loved his mother very much, but even he thought she was going too far making him weed a garden that was way too late to save, in the middle of summer.

"It's too late to plant anything. The weeds will grow back and I'll end up pulling them again when it's cold... boy, I hate gardens! You work to death and in the end you get nothing! And they're such a pain to water! Water them too little and they shrivel and brown. Water them too much and they bleach..."

These and many other points proved why gardening was best scrapped in the bad idea pile. But there was soon to be another point for Aaron--one that would top all the others!

Once again we must take a dip below the ground where it's crowded with minerals and putrid compost to witness once again a thick, snaky, mutant root slithering through the soil up to a cluster of bulbs with roots straggling below. This is the last time, I promise you! We'll just stay long enough to watch the mutant root pop out some spines, plug them into the bulbs and begin pumping poison to change the domestic tulips up above into man-eating plants of doom. Did you see it? Okay, let's go.

Hidden by the numerous weeds, their change went unnoticed by Aaron. First, their puckered mouths of red and yellow closed and tightened as though they had suddenly tasted the sourest lemon in the world--trust me, I'd know. But that's a different story. Then the tulips' mouths opened and from each of them a long yellow tongue with a knob on the end stretched out and tasted the air.

All those tulip tongues waved in the air, trying to catch a taste. Then they slowed to a stop--one at a time--until they were all leaning in the same direction... toward Aaron's upraised rear end.

Having found their target, the tulip tongues slowly retracted into the tulip mouths and the tulips themselves slowly retracted into the ground, hiding in the cover of the thick weeds, like little vicious monsters waiting to pounce on their prey.

One of the tulips, however, did just the opposite. While its brothers... or sisters... or... cousins? Anyways, while the rest of them were ducking to the ground, this one--a bright red one--started stretching itself above the weeds with the sound of--er--your dad's belt ripping off! Ha ha! Whoa, wait. Is he... No, wait! Not the belt! Please, for the love of mercy, not the belt! OW!

Ow, that hurt. Geesh, where's everyone's sense of humor? Let's just get back to the tulip growing, its stem getting taller and thicker and its flower getting bigger and redder, the petals stretching with the sound of silk curtains rubbing against each other--and never mind your parents' pants ripping! I've had enough! The tulip grew larger and larger, stretching and stretching until it towered twenty feet over Aaron's back.

Yeah, you would think with all the ripping pants and rubbing silk curtains that Aaron would think, "What's that sound?" and turn around a see a gigantic flower looking down on him, but no, he didn't hear anything over his grumbling and the sounds of weeds finally coming free from the dirt. But he had to have noticed the dark shadow stretching over him, right?

"Oh, finally! Some shade! Some clouds blocked the sun," he mumbled-- _without even turning around!_ I mean, come on! What is it going to take for that smart-aleck of a kid to notice his life is threatened by a mutated garden-variety tubular flower?

As it turned out, it required drool. It dropped onto his shoulder blade with sticky, squelching sounds and sent up an aroma that smelled strangely sweet like freshly cut grass with just a hint of mildew. This stopped Aaron, who was struggling with roots, which had come halfway out of the ground. He slowly used his right hand to touch the goop on his left shoulder. The goop came away on his fingers in quivering strands that swung away and then bunched up like teardrop-shaped bats.

"Bleck!" Aaron exclaimed, wiping it on his soiled shirt. "What in the..."

More drool plopped on his shoulder. At this, he finally-- _finally_ \--turned around and looked up. Then his mouth dropped open. His eyes bugged out. And somewhere in the lower regions, an accident threatened to happen.

A ginormous tulip was looking down at him with its golden carpel dangling out. If Aaron didn't know better, he would have thought it was a hungry, mutant plant with a drooling tongue hanging out for a taste of him--which, of course, was exactly the case, and, coincidentally, Aaron wasn't really in a condition to know better.

The tongue descended, waving back and forth like a snake and dripping drool like a runny nose. On a sudden swing, the bulbous tip grazed Aaron's nose, effectively unfreezing him from his paralysis. And since our hero has regained his mobility, he took action and... backed away quickly and screamed like a girl. How heroic.

When Aaron panicked, the tulip reacted on instinct, whipping its tongue around him until he was completely wrapped in a slimy carpel. Then the evil tulip began reeling him in.

Aaron fought against it. He writhed and squirmed in the coils of the mutant plant's tongue. He would have used his arms to beat futilely against the twisted tulip but they were wrapped against his sides by the sticky carpel!

Closer and closer the plant pulled him to its cup-like mouth. Harder and harder Aaron struggled, looking desperately around for something to save himself with. His brain worked overtime to figure out a solution to this predicament, but would it be enough? He was almost directly under its dark maw!

He was lifted off the ground. He whipped his body around and kicked his legs as he was lifted closer to the tulip's sucking mouth. His heart pounded! His eyes rolled! His body was going to be swallowed soon if he didn't do something!

His upper torso was swallowed up. He kicked his legs even more frantically. But just when all hope seemed lost... The rest of his body was slurped up completely into the carnivorous flower's mouth.

Wait. WHAT? _Aaron was eaten by a flower?!_ That's not right! He can't get eaten! He's the one who turns into Superkid who's supposed to save everyone from the floral menace! That can't happen! Oh, geez, SUPERKID! SUPERKID! WAKE UP! You've got to escape! You can't be eaten! Oh great, where's an in-story character when you need one?

Er... while we're dealing with this plot-development crisis, please enjoy these limericks:

A boy with a cold said, "Achoo!"

His friend, quite polite, said, "Bless you."

The boy sneezed again

Got him covered in phlegm

So the next time his friend did eschew

My friend found an odd kind of bean

It was the biggest that I'd ever seen

But my friend, he just ate it

And then he inflated

Then let loose 'til the whole town was green

I had always thought my friend quaint

For the methods she'd use when she'd paint

She'd gargle and spit

And lick it a bit

I'd say more but you look like you'll faint!

We're nearly finished here. You'll be returned to your regularly scheduled piece of literature shortly.

Whew! Hah! Okay, nothing to worry about anymore, friends. The crisis has been resolved. It was a close one but we've managed to get everything back on track. The story's okay now. Here's what happened:

When the evil tulip had swallowed Aaron, it didn't realize it had swallowed something dangerous along with him. What was it? Patience, you'll find out eventually.

The lump that was Aaron traveled down the carnivorous flora's throat. The tulip then used its tongue-like carpel to lick its petal lips and then it let out a disgusting explosion from its mouth that would send most etiquette-conscious mothers into a frenzy. Lucky for these mothers, the flower was about to get its come-uppance. The lump that was Aaron suddenly stopped right in at the center of its throat. The tulip began twitching and making odd "ck-ck-ck" noises that sounded a lot like choking. Its little carpel tongue dangled out as it gagged and slowly the monstrous flower's head started to turn black. Two long leaves from its stem grabbed at the lump like two hands gripping a throat in a desperate ploy to free its windpipe.

Then something appeared on the bulge at its throat... a smaller, pointier bulge that was slowly growing larger and pointier. Suddenly, green pulp squirted from it like pimple juice. Then something moved in the rupture, shifting slimy lump until it poked through, sharp and metallic.

The leafy hands scraped at it but in vain. The sharp metallic thing continued to push out until it was possible to tell what it was. It had a sharp tip that suddenly widened, a crease in the middle, and it was bowed.

Yes, that's right! It was Aaron's mighty trowel come to save the day! Once a humble gardening tool that kept the pests of the plant kingdom in line, it was now a mighty weapon that cleaved through the demonic armies of the underground. Aaron had managed to keep a hold of that little garden shovel when he had been swallowed and now he was using it to cut himself out of the mutant plant's throat!

Once the mighty weapon had pushed itself out far enough, it slowly began hacking in a slow circle around the plant's throat. The evil plant's desperate groping became even more desperate and now it was writhing in agony. As more and more of its throat was sliced away, it thrashed and flailed more violently, which was merely speeding its death--it was ripping itself apart in its death throes!

At last, the tear at its neck went around full circle. The plant gave one last jerk, throwing itself to the ground with a surprisingly soft thud. Then there was another thud--a splotchy sort of thud. It was Aaron covered in green slime and pulp. He gasped and made dry retches as he got to his knees. After a while, his retching became words:

"That flower was huge!...And it ate me! I got eaten by a huge _flower_!...Where the heck did that thing come from?! Is there more of them?!"

At this frightening thought, he jumped to his feet and looked around in hysterical paranoia. All the flowers were out to get him!...Which was actually very accurate, if you remember all those tulips that had retracted to the ground. He backed out of the garden, swiveling his head left and right to make sure no other mutant flower was sneaking up on him. Then he turned and sprinted into the house where he found his mom just getting off the phone with another desperate cry for help.

"Mom!" he cried, "You won't believe me, but I was almost eaten by this giant tulip!"

" _Giant tulip_?!" his mother screamed, her voice rising to supersonic. "First I get all these calls about monster plants attacking and now you come in and tell me you were eaten by a giant flower?!"

You would think now that she would crack and let him be the superhero and stop the rampaging floral menace, right?

Unfortunately, no. She was a stubborn-headed mule all right, but she only needed a little bit more prodding to finally admit defeat and send out Poolington's number one go-to guy for superhuman catastrophes. And that little bit more prodding came from a very unlikely source...

Chapter 5: A Day in the Life of a Very Unlikely Source

You remember Derrick Moorn, right? Has messy hair, brown eyes, a long face, and can be pretty annoying at times. But I guess we shouldn't blame him for that. His family was pretty kooky. For one thing, his dad worked at a sewer treatment plant and did comedy stand-up in his spare time. His mom worked as an art teacher at the high school and her art pretty much reflected her mental condition--a bit scattered and disconnected. He had an older brother with glasses who played classical music on his electric piano and an older sister who was a skateboarding pro.

The Moorns had a yard... er, well, a space to _have_ a yard if they would bother to upkeep it. It was right now just a dry patch of dirt--no plants of either the mutant or the ordinary kind. And it was here in this unflattering spot where the first seed of resistance sprouted... kind of poetic in an ironic sort of way.

It all began with Derrick, who was sitting next to the fence, playing with his superhero action figures--none of which, I'm sorry to say, was Superkid. No, all he had was a blue-and-red-clad geek with bug-like eyes; a guy dressed all in black with a ridiculously large cape and a cowl with long ears; and another guy who wore bright red underwear over his costume. He also had a ninja action figure. Now normally Derrick would just be hanging out with his friends, but Aaron was busy with summertime gardening and Darrin was at the store with his mom--for better reasons than you might think--thus the reason why Derrick was playing with his pitiful collection of superhero action figures.

"You'll never get away with this!" Derrick mimicked while rocking the flashy underpants dude.

"Ha ha ha! You'll never get away now, not when you're stuck in my super strong web! He mimicked in a gruffer voice, rocking the guy who was clad in his own webbing.

"Ha ha ha!" This time his voice was falsetto while he rocked the guy dressed in black. "And since he's trapped, let me read his mind so I can find out his most embarrassing secrets and tell them to everybody!"

Next he rocked the ninja and said, also in falsetto, "When you're done, I'm going to karate kick him in his pants because he's a guy and I hate guys!"

Then he deepened his voice and said as ominously as he could, "Well, when you're all finished, I have a surprise for him."

Derrick faked gasps and then cried, "Who's there?"

Then he answered in his ominous voice, "Ha ha ha! Fear me! For I am the ultimate evil..." He reached behind him. Then he pulled out another action figure and held him up high for dramatic effect.

He roared, "I am..."

He was interrupted by a scream... a real scream from a real person that startled the action figure. Ignoring the poor action figure's plight, Derrick jumped to his feet and peeked over the fence.

He saw a teenage girl screaming and running with her hands in the air while...

What the?

...while she was being chased by a swarm of flying nuts!

Awesome! Derrick needed to tell someone about this! But he wanted to get it as accurate and detailed as possible, so as he studied the chase scene he thought of how he was going to describe it.

A girl was being chased by creatures that propelled themselves through the air by a set of long, brown, oval wings that spun around like the blades of a helicopter. Their bodies were round, shiny, and brown. Or maybe it was their mouths because they were constantly opening and closing with clicking noises.

"Cool monsters," he said, "but they don't look very tough. Just snap off their wings and you're good."

Which is never a good thing to say within hearing range of flying nut monsters. They suddenly stopped chasing the teenage girl, who ran into the house where she was safe, and turned their pointy beaks to him. Derrick's eyes widened and he muttered, "Uh oh." Then he turned and sprinted toward the door.

With a clack of their hard beaks, the swarm whirred after him. Derrick tripped on the step leading up to his house. He caught the knob, which prevented his fall, but by the time he was back on his feet, the swarm was on him.

"Ow, ow, ow, OW!" Derrick swatted the evil, flying nuts that were pecking him. He managed to hit a few, snapping their wings and sending them bouncing to the ground. He finally got the door open and he ducked inside, but this didn't help much because the nuts zipped inside with him and continued pecking him.

"Aaaaaaauuuuugh!" Derrick yelled and dashed through the house to try to escape the mutated nuts, which chased after him, clacking their nutty beaks. He ran through the living room into the kitchen into the laundry hall into the living room into the kitchen into the laundry hall into the living room...

Then he veered up the stairs as though something had pulled him that direction... hey, don't look at me! I don't actually control the story, I just narrate! Still, he was running the action a little long. Derrick himself was too busy running for his skin's safety to realize why he had gone up the stairs, but it was music that had drawn him up... classical music played on an electric piano.

He ran into his brother's room. His brother looked up startled, ceasing his playing to watch in befuddlement as Derrick dove onto his bed and wormed himself into the covers.

"What..." he began.

A cacophony of clacking halted his question and suddenly a swarm of ugly bugs wheeled into the room and dive-bombed the bed. Derrick had picked a pretty good place to hide though because those evil little nuts bounced off and spun out onto the ground.

"What in the heck are those things?" Derrick's brother cried.

As one, the nuts stopped their attack on his covers-covered brother and turned to him. He gulped.

Derrick peeped out from under the blanket. He hissed at his brother, "Run!"

"I don't think that's a good idea," his brother answered, his eyes still locked on to the evil flying nut swarm.

"You want to be pecked to death?!" Derrick knew his brother was weird, but he didn't think his brother was crazy enough to stare death in the face! Or even a swarm of mutated nuts with propeller-like wings in the back of their beak.

"I must not show fear," explained Derrick's brother, who was, in fact, shaking so hard his glasses were slipping down his nose. "If I run, they'll interpret that as fear and attack me."

"So, what, just stare at them forever and ever for the rest of your life?"

"No," said his brother with a loud swallow. "I will try to soothe them. Charm them with music..." Still facing the mutated nuts, he reached behind himself and groped for his piano on the stand behind him. His fingers struck the keys a few times though not in a melodic fashion. He finally managed to get a good grip on it and clumsily brought it around to rest on his knees. He popped the cord back into the piano where it had popped out during the transfer then wiggled his fingers as a warm-up exercise and then began playing a simple song.

Derrick couldn't believe his ears. _Mary Had a Little Lamb_?

Then his eyes started lying to him. Either that or the little buggers actually liked the song, for they began to fly in a circle, bobbing to the tune and squeaking in high-pitched voice, "Rah rah rah rah rah rah rah!" Those little monsters were actually dancing!

Derrick remembered back in third grade when he had done an experiment for the science fair, which was "Do Plants Like Music?" He had thought it was a stupid project. Plants didn't care about music! If they did, they'd grow boomboxes! But it had been his mom's idea so he had done it. He had won second place with that project, to his surprise, but he still had thought the idea was stupid.

But apparently it wasn't. These plants were dancing to it like little kids! They were even trying to sing to it!

_If I had used these plants in my project_ , he thought. _I would have got first place for sure!_

The first stanza of the song ended. Then Derrick's brother began playing again, this time a jazzed-up version of "Mary Had a Little Lamb." The flying nuts began spinning and chanting faster. Derrick was transfixed by the dance and couldn't help but chant with them, "Rah rah rah!"

They came to the next stanza, which his brother played faster, sending the swarm flying and chanting faster. Derrick tried to keep up with the chant but his breath kept running out.

The next stanza was faster. The nuts were now spinning at a dizzying pace and their chanting was becoming a single string, "Rahrahrahrahrahrahrah!"

The next stanza was even faster. The little monsters increased their pace.

The next one faster still.

And faster...

And faster!

And faster! The nuts' chanting became a squeal, "RaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAH!"

And then Derrick's brother stopped. The mutant nuts went flying into the walls with the cracks of BB guns going off and then they all dropped to the floor.

Derrick stared at the lifeless nuts. He slowly lifted the blankets off himself and stepped tentatively to the floor. His brother breathed heavily as though charming a bunch of mutated nuts to their death had been hard work.

"That was kind of cool," said Derrick, a grin working on his face.

"That was kind of weird," his brother countered, putting his piano back on the stand and then reaching down to pick up a no-longer-flying nut. "Where did these things come from?"

"Re-e-ed!" the nut suddenly squealed, scaring the living daylights out of both brothers. Derrick's brother dropped the nut, which bounced to the floor. It gave out one final sigh of "Re-e-e-ed" and then fell silent.

Derrick's brother didn't move to pick it up this time. He prodded it with his toe instead. The nut didn't react though--just lay there dead as a doornail on a dancing donkey... which, come to think of it, is actually a lot livelier than this nut was.

Derrick, who was a little braver than his brother, picked up one of the mutated nuts and--BOO! No, just kidding. It didn't react at all. Derrick even flicked it a few times in the beak and it didn't move. He pushed down on its wing until it sprang back up.

"I have to show Aaron and Darrin these," said Derrick excitedly, holding the mutated nut aloft.

"No wait!" His brother tried to stop him.

But Derrick raced out the door, leaving his brother in the wake of the fallen swarm of charmed-to-death evil nuts. He raced down the stairs and out the door. He raced across the yard, pulled open the gate, and took a step to race out into the world... and stopped.

It had never occurred to him that there may have been more than these killer nuts out and about. He probably assumed that someone had accidentally dropped a bag of nuts into a vat of radioactive waste and those nuts had developed superpowers and turned evil... which actually wasn't a bad theory, come to think of it. Creatures get dropped into radioactive waste all the time and emerge enormous to rampage the city. But that wasn't what happened with the nuts, Derrick. Sorry, nice try. He stopped and stared at how the world had changed while he had been behind the safe boundaries of his home.

Mutant plants were everywhere! Houses were overgrown with thick, muscular vines that were tearing off siding; yards were thick with living grass rippling with hunger; weeds snarled at anything that moved--which included their kin--and dainty flowers licked their lips and then patted them with handkerchiefs!

The mutant nut dropped from his hand. His mouth dropped open and he gulped. "This is more serious than I thought. We need Superkid's help right away!"

Having come to this conclusion, he was now charged with the responsibility of carrying it out. He bravely accepted this mantle of responsibility and immediately hurried off to find the superhero that the peaceful little town of Poolington needed so badly.

Chapter 6: Going Commando

It would have been nice if Derrick could have just skipped merrily to Aaron's house so that he could change him to Superkid and have him clean up this mess. But evil, inconsiderate as it always is, never makes it easy for anyone. So Derrick ran--not only to find Superkid as quickly as possible but also because he had a horde of mutated plants chasing after him.

"HELP! SUPERKID!" he bellowed, "HELP! SUPERKID! SAVE ME!"

He turned into the Purns' yard, racing on the stone path between two seas of evil grass that slurped at him. He slammed into the door and twisted the knob only to find it locked!

"HELP SUPERKID!" He pounded desperately on the door. He glanced back and saw the monster horde charging toward him and closing the gap fast! He pounded even more desperately and screamed, "SUPERKIIIIIIIIIID!"

The plants lunged for him and... slammed into him and crashed through the door. They landed in a tangled heap. But as luck would have it, Derrick ended up on top. He scrambled off the pile and ran through the house, yelling, "Superkid? Superkid, where are you?"

He skidded into the kitchen. Near the backdoor, the phone was on the floor, bobbing from the cord connecting it to the cradle on the wall. Given the fact that Mrs. Purn had a strict policy for things having a proper place, this could only mean one thing...

"Mrs. Purn forgot to hang up," Derrick concluded. He picked up the phone and set it back in the cradle. Immediately it rang.

He answered it. "Hello?"

Just then he heard thumping and slithering behind him. He turned and saw the tangled mutant plant heap rolling its way toward him. Though they hadn't been successful in untangling themselves, they had found a way to work together to transport themselves. There's a valuable lesson to be had there, but we have more pressing matters to consider. Derrick certainly did. He dropped the phone and ran. On the floor, the phone mumbled, "Superkid? Superkid, are you there? We need your help!" Then the plant heap rolled over it. Its weight stressed the cord, pulling it out of the cradle and immediately silencing the voice.

Meanwhile, our friend, Derrick--or associate, if you prefer--ran into a hall that immediately split in two. He had a moment to decide: left or right?

Now you, the ever-astute observer, might be wondering why Derrick was hesitating. Well, before we get to that, first we must ask what was down each direction. One led to salvation and the other led to certain doom... okay, so it wasn't quite that dramatic. One led to Superkid's room and the other to his mom's room. But here's the thing: Derrick had never actually been inside Aaron's house. His mom was just too scary! But desperate times call for desperate measures and if Derrick had to face Superkid's mom... well, he hoped it wouldn't come to that.

But he had to decide now--the plants were thumping closer, so eeny meeny miney--there! He ran to the left and grabbed the doorknob, hoping it was the one--crap, locked! He faced the other direction but that was when the plant tangle rolled in, hitting the wall in their haste. He had no choice now. This door was his only hope.

"Help! Superkid! Mrs. Purn! Somebody!"

The plant ball began rolling in his direction. Derrick pounded harder. "Help! Let me in! Save me!"

The plants were nearly on top of him. Vines whipped out to snatch him.

"SUPERKIIIIIIIIID!"

Just as they were about to grab him, the door opened and he fell in. Derrick was pushed and rolled into the room by Aaron who then slammed the door, crushing the vines that had slithered through. There was a muffled screech outside the door that must have been the plants in pain... or a brat throwing a temper tantrum.

Derrick breathed heavily while he recovered. He gulped and gasped, "That was close!"

"Yeah, I thought it would make good suspense," Aaron, who was now Superkid, replied with a grin.

"Ha ha, very funny. I could've died!"

"Why aren't you home with your family?" Mrs. Purn asked from a corner of the room, causing Derrick to jump.

"I came for Superkid," he answered. "It's a disaster out there!"

Mrs. Purn groaned. "What is it about 'no' that no one understands? He's not somebody you can just call whenever some disaster strikes!"

"But there's mutant plants everywhere!" Derrick cried. "We need Superkid to figure out how to get rid of them!"

"What makes you think--"

Suddenly, the window shattered. Mrs. Purn screamed and leapt away as a branch with a hard knobby apple encased in streaks of bark drew back and then another branch with an eyeball within the folds of a pink blossom peered through.

Superkid rushed forward and poked its sensitive ocular organ, causing it to shoot outside with a shriek. He stuck his head out and shouted, "That'll take care of you, peeping tom!"

In retaliation, a branch with two prongs for fingers snatched his head and dragged him through the window. His mom shrieked, "Aaron!" and Derrick yelled, "Superkid!" and rushed to the window to see what had become of his super-powered friend.

Superkid was held in the clutches of a stunted apple tree that appeared to have uprooted itself and walked on two club feet formed by its roots clumping together. All over its crown, where apples should have been, it instead had large veiny eyes that swiveled back and forth, searching for its prey. Its bark was covered in dark boils, some of which had burst and was oozing amber sap, like it was some kind of leper tree. Urgh! Fortunately, our hero wasn't the squeamish type. With the tree gripping him by his head, he was holding on to the branch above to make sure his head didn't pop off like a toy brick and allow his body to drop like a Lincoln log.

Derrick hovered in the window. He called to his friend, "Hey, Superkid, are you all right? You don't need me to help, do you?"

Superkid swung his legs up and wrapped them around the branch so now he was clinging like a monkey. The tree crackled and its bark rippled and became rough and jagged. Our hero grunted in pain but stayed on. So another branch with fingers swung in to pluck him off. It grabbed his ribs and squeezed, forcing his breath out in a loud "Ooooooh!"

"Could use some," he wheezed.

"Dang it," Derrick groaned before he climbed out the window. His foot caught on the sill as he lowered his other toward the ground and he pitched forward into Mrs. Purn's lilac bush. He was pitched right back out by sheer pain when he met the thorns.

"Ow! You bleeping bleep of a bleep bush!" Derrick cussed as forcefully as he could. "That hurt!"

The bush rattled its leaves threateningly. Derrick got the message and scooted out of reach. Then he turned to his friend and proceeded to think of a solution to Superkid's predicament--preferably one that didn't involve him getting close to the evil apple tree.

Fortunately for Derrick--that coward--the solution presented itself in the form of a blonde kid with a bowl cut who charged into the yard, lifted a gaudy but hefty gun, and fired a stream of lime-green liquid at the tree.

The attack was pretty effective. You should have heard the screech! Its branches flailed everywhere, the blossom petals that functioned as the now red and streaming eye-fruit's eyelids blinked furiously, and it stumbled drunkenly around. Oh, and it dropped Superkid.

Superkid immediately bounced to his feet. He quickly brushed himself off, turned to his rescuer and said, "Thanks, Darrin. I knew I could depend on you." He glared pointedly at Derrick.

Derrick's hands shot up in a helpless gesture. "What did you want me to do?"

Before Superkid could answer, the demented apple-and-eyeball tree gave a shriek to let them know it was still there and still a threat. Our three heroes took the hint and immediately ran. The tree gave another obligatory shriek before it clomped after them.

As they ran, Superkid noticed two more blasters bouncing on Darrin's back. They were slung by a belt that went over his shoulder and down to his waist, commando style. As they bounced, something sloshed in their tanks.

"Hey Darrin!" he called. "Where'd you get those water guns?"

"Poolington Mart," Darrin answered. "I convinced my mom to let me get some so we could have a water fight. We were shocked though when we came home and was attacked by all these plants. I managed to find some weed killer and use it in the water guns."

"Good thinking," said Superkid. "Weed killer should take care of these mutant plants."

"Actually, it doesn't seem to work all that great. It just annoys them."

"So what are we going to do?" Derrick panted. Then he said, "Let's find somewhere to hide. I'm getting too tired to run."

Darrin and Superkid agreed. They were wasting energy running when they could be planning. That and the passing mutated flora were taking too much interest in the running apple tree--they might decide to follow its lead and develop motor appendages.

So they took winding paths, making as many turns as they could to throw that twisted tree off their trail and find a safe place to hide. The only problem was everywhere they went, plants were leering at them and the tree managed to catch up to them by taking shortcuts. Poor Derrick was gasping louder than ever, "Can't take--gasp--any more! Need--gasp--rest. Gonna--gasp--die--gasp--soon!"

At last, their luck struck gold in the bad-luck muck--try saying that three times fast. They had turned yet another corner in the futile attempt to lose their pursuer when Darrin cried, "Over there!"

Superkid and Derrick veered after their commando friend, dashing through a junkyard barren of life. It was like a graveyard for rusty machine parts where the ground was steeped with bright orange rust--much too toxic to support plant life and thus the perfect retreat for our three young heroes. They ducked under a cracked loader bucket and leaned back against the curved wall to catch their breath. Once they were done with that--Derrick's gasping reduced to a guttural wheezing--Superkid stood up, faced his partners, and declared, "All right. Now let's figure out what we're going to do. First of all, we need to figure out where all these mutant plants came from."

"Outer space?" wheezed Derrick.

"I'm thinking more local," Superkid said. "Think. What would cause plants to mutate into malevolent agents of destruction?"

"Radiation?" Darrin suggested.

"Our classic suspect," Superkid agreed. "All right then. Do we have anything anywhere that might be the source of this radiation?"

Derrick was too pooped out to make any helpful suggestions. He was so tired he was ignoring the cold of the ground seeping through his pants.

Then he felt something slither up the back of his shirt.

"Yaaaaaak!" Derrick leaped to his feet and smacked his head on the curve of the bucket. Superkid and Darrin turned to him in surprise. Then they turned to face a stranger sight.

A prickly weed was erecting itself to face them. But I think we know by now that plant life everywhere was coming to life, meaning this wasn't so strange. No, what was so strange was that this prickly weed was glowing! Also strange was that there was plant life at all in the hazardous wasteland of the junkyard. Quite a tenacious little beast that weed was. And all the more tenacious was the virulent root that gave it life. In fact, it had shriveled nine times before it had plugged in to its host.

The glowing weed erected itself to its tallest height. Then, with a papery snap, its jagged leaves sprang open and it screeched at them, "Re-e-e-e-e..."

"Aaaaaaaack!" Derrick flew outside with Superkid behind him. Darrin paused to squirt some herbicide at it, causing it to sputter, then he ran out after his friends... and ran into them.

"Ow!" Darrin stumbled around Superkid and then froze.

There were a lot of evil, mutant plants waiting for them just outside the junkyard fence. They milled about like businesspeople at a party, although these partiers were more gruesome than your average businessperson--and less fashionable. They grinned at the sight of the trio and activity picked up a little. Fortunately, none of the plants made a move to cross the gate into the deadly rustlands. There were already a few shriveled husks just past the gate to convince them it was a bad idea. But while they couldn't cross to capture the three humans, neither could the three humans cross to escape the plants.

Superkid muttered, "This is where my cape would come in handy."

"That's at my house," Darrin said. Why was it at his house? Other than to make things harder and more interesting, you mean? Well, if you really haven't already figured it out, Aaron doesn't know about his alter ego, Superkid, so it would be a little awkward if he discovered the costume in his closet, thus Darrin keeps it for him.

But they were still trapped in a rusty junkyard in which the fumes were starting to make the friends' heads swim. But Superkid, who noticed the plants' reluctance to touch the rust-imbued ground, was suddenly struck by an idea.

"Guys," he said, "grab something rusty. We can use them to beat away these mutant plants."

"Why rusty?" Derrick asked as Superkid snatched up an orange-speckled pipe.

"The rust is toxic to plants--and people for that matter," our hero replied, tapping the pipe in his hand to test its weight. Then he looked at his hand, noted the orange spots left on it, and wiped it clean on his shirt. "They should act like garlic to vampires and ward off this menace long enough for us to escape."

So Darrin grabbed a rusty crescent wrench while Derrick grabbed a rusty hacksaw. Armed with rusted weapons, our rustic heroes marched over the rust-imbued wasteland to engage in rust battle with rusty skills... of rust. At the sight of the horrific orange chemical though, the mutant plants retreated before the three of them could touch them. The trio waved their weapons around, forcing the evil vegetation back. There were a few foolhardy ones that slithered in and tried to take them by surprise, but a few thwacks, whaps, and chops sent them plopping to the ground and shriveling. Satisfied that they had showed these mutant plants who was boss, they started toward Darrin's house to retrieve Superkid's costume so that he could be properly attired for the grand battle between humans and plants.

Chapter 7: Roar of the Dandelion

Since Superkid, Darrin, and Derrick possessed rusty weapons of mass vegetation destruction, they were able to reach Darrin's house without any further trouble, right?

WRONG!

Back at the junkyard, the mutant plants knew the destructive power that rust had on them. Out here, they were pretty clueless and so attacked our heroes relentlessly. Plenty of sensitive plant organs were smashed and valuable appendages chopped, but eventually sheer numbers overpowered them, they lost their rusty weapons, and they were forced to flee for their lives. They ran to Darrin's house, dodged past the ferns that the Snolls kept next to their front door, rushed upstairs and into Darrin's bedroom where he slammed the door shut.

"Where's my costume?" Superkid asked breathlessly.

"In there." Darrin waved at his closet.

Superkid dashed inside, pulling the closet door shut while he changed. Derrick moved to follow him inside.

Darrin shot him a look. "What are you doing?"

Derrick jumped. "Oh, ah, er..." then he shrugged and turned to the bed instead. Then he leaped backwards, pointed to the door, and screeched, "Look out!"

Darrin leaped away from the door. At the base, white wormy roots wriggled inside and began traveling up the door toward the knob. Darrin kicked the roots, crushing most and severing a few, causing the creatures outside to screech horrifically.

Then the window shattered and a hail of razor-sharp arrow-shaped leaves stuck into the wall. Derrick shrieked and dove to the floor to remove himself from the line of fire. Darrin flattened himself against the closet door and called to Superkid, "Done yet?"

"Hold on, just about!"

A white, leafy branch thrust itself through the broken window and began patting its way around the room as though feeling for something.

Darrin had lost his water blaster on the way here, but he worked a spare from his commando belt and blasted the branch. It drew back, shook itself like a wet dog, and then swung toward Darrin, who ducked.

The closet door opened to reveal Superkid in his costume. "What'd I..."

The branch smacked into the closet door, which slammed on the young hero's face. It smashed into the bedroom door, punching a gaping hole in it. Then it pulled away and began patting the ground again until it felt Darrin. He tried scrambling away from it but it grabbed him, lifted him up, and pulled him outside. He screamed just before disappearing.

The closet door opened again and Superkid stumbled out, pinching his nose and grimacing in pain. "Don' worry, Darrid! I'll sabe you!"

"Look out!" Derrick yelled, still cowering on the floor.

In the jagged hole in the bedroom door, the wormy roots appeared. They gripped the hole and lifted their bodies into view, which turned out to be enormous potatoes--Bud's Spuds to be exact, guaranteed to be the biggest, the ugliest, and the hardest to scrub.

Superkid gave one glance at the evil potatoes and then dashed to the window. Outside, he saw Darrin in the grips of a deciduous tree, being lowered to a knothole that flexed hungrily. Darrin was going to be eaten!

Superkid climbed onto the window sill, grabbing the hose that led to his cape. Derrick cried as he scrambled to his feet, "Where are you going?"

"To sabe Darrid. You cobing?"

Unless he wanted to be subjected to the mutant potatoes' villainy, Derrick was going with him. That should have been obvious. But then again, Derrick is a bit strange; he might decide to stay with those evil bulbs after all.

But no, he was going with Superkid. He ran to him and latched himself tightly to his waist, almost sending them prematurely out the window. Superkid glared at him.

"Ready?"

"Not really."

"Od three, we jubp."

"What?! Can't you just blow up your balloon and float us out of here?"

"Wud..."

"Three's really too short, couldn't we make it ten?"

"Two..."

"Oh crap, we're really--"

"Three!"

Superkid had been worried that Derrick wouldn't push off, which would cause them to slam onto the sill and drop straight down, but Derrick managed to not mess it up and they arced toward the evil deciduous where Darrin was about to get eaten. Derrick screamed as they fell, convinced that they were either going to splat on the ground like a paint ball or tangle in the clutches of the tree like a kite--neither of which was an appealing image.

But Superkid deserved more credit than that. Even with Derrick added to his bulk, he managed to aim straight through the widespread branches and right into the branch holding Darrin. The branch jerked from the force, causing the tree's meal to miss its knothole mouth by an inch or so. Before the carnivorous tree could recover, Superkid rolled off, snatched Darrin out of its grasp, then quickly stuffed the hose into his mouth and blew up his cape into a balloon that slowed their descent.

Meanwhile, the branch whipped up to the tree's face and the two prongs tapped together, gripping something that wasn't there. Then it roared, "Re-e-e-e-e-ed!" and all of its branches began whipping around as though it was caught in a windstorm. One of the branches whapped Superkid around the chest, sending him spinning dizzily toward the ground. Darrin and Derrick were pulled off by centrifugal force, which changed hands with gravity, which dragged them to the ground. Fortunately, the distance hadn't been far, but it was still pretty painful.

Superkid, though, spun to the ground like a copter wing. Not only was his chest smarting and his breathing ragged, but his head was spinning and his stomach churning like a volcano about to erupt. He staggered to his feet, spinning around to see if his two friends were all right.

"Guys okay?" he wheezed.

"Re-e-e-e-e-ed!" the vicious deciduous roared again.

Rather than stop to answer, the two friends of our hero grabbed him by the arms and ran with him to find safety. This was getting increasingly difficult to find as more and more plants were turning evil and more and more of them were turning to these three pesky boys who were outright defying their tyranny by not huddling in feeble safe rooms that they would eventually crush.

The three heroes tried to run, but they were soon surrounded by evil plants. Superkid quickly took stock of the situation to determine options. The most obvious one was to fight their way out, but first let's see what they're up against:

A thin, towering tomato plant with two bulbous tomato fists punching together and rocking on two tomato feet--

A car-sized tumbleweed with its brambles acting as its legs, looking like a bony spider--

A man-shaped cacti plant made up of connecting biscuit-shaped segments with long needles protruding from its body, including three on either hand that made it look like wolverine claws--

Snake-sized celery stalks with white feelers protruding from their heads--

A corn stalk with a cob for a head--

And a dark green mass of moss--

Oooh, the odds did not look good for our heroes. Fighting, then, was going to have to be a last resort. But what other options did they have?

Superkid knew another option. He said to his friends, "All right, guys," as he stretched his arms out to them. "Hang on to me. I'm going to see if I can fly us out of here."

But as they were preparing to launch off--Superkid had his hose to his mouth--one of the mutant plants--a daffodil--stepped forward. It let out a screech that stopped the three friends in their tracks. Then it quieted and waited as though expecting a response.

Superkid blinked. Then he asked his sidekicks, "Did that thing say what I think it said?"

Derrick asked, "What did it say?"

As if to answer, the plant shrieked again.

"That," Superkid replied.

Darrin turned to him. "Do you think..."

"I didn't hear anything," Derrick interrupted. "Just sounded like a bunch of roaring to me."

Superkid shot him an exasperated look and cried, "Derrick! It said..."

When the three of them hadn't responded after the second time, the daffodil turned and signaled to its comrades. A moment later, an enormous plant bounded into the circle.

The three of them froze and gaped in horror at the monster. It was a creature on four legs with jagged leaves for feet. Its body was a thick tube ending in a tubular tail that dripped white slime. And at its forefront was a massive and frilly golden head with two lines of sharp teeth.

You guessed it. It was a dandelion.

So our heroes were about to go toe to toe with a vicious weed based off of a feline/plant pun. Kind of reminds me of the days of the gladiators when they fought real lions for the amusement of the masses. And of course no gladiator match was complete without a wager on the outcome. So in the interest of tradition, how about we make bets? Say, 40 dollars that Superkid beats the dandelion in ten minutes?

Wait, you think that just because I'm the narrator of the story, I automatically know what's going to happen? That's not necessarily true! The outcome could go the other way, you know. And it could take up to thirty minutes!

No? You'll stick with Superkid beating up the dandelion in ten minutes? Well if everyone's going to bet that way, no one's going to win! But if you insist.

"You guys better move out of the way," Superkid told his friends. "This could get rough."

"We're sticking by you no matter what," Darrin said bravely.

"You're our only way out of this," Derrick added less bravely and more truthfully.

"No offense, guys, but I'm the best of us to take this monster on. It would be best if you find safe spots away from the action."

"Problem is..." Derrick glanced around the circle that the mutant plants had formed, "where are the safe spots?"

Superkid didn't get a chance to give an answer--if he had one. The vine that leashed the monstrous dandelion whipped off of its neck and, with an excited cheer from the spectating plants, the beast belted out a roar and charged forward.

Superkid shoved his friends to either side and then jumped into the air. He blew up his balloon to gain extra hang time, pulling up his legs as the beast leaped and swiped its leafy paws at him. Then he released the air from his balloon to drop onto the vicious dandelion's neck. Here the crowd booed.

A little forethought might have been helpful, but admittedly this was fast-paced action with little time for thinking, so it's understandable that Superkid found himself straddled backwards on this monster and unable to steer it as it bucked furiously to throw him off. Fortunately, its pipe-like body was just thin enough for him to wrap his arms securely around it, thus preventing the dandelion from its objective.

After 1 minute 17 seconds, when it realized bucking wasn't going to work, it tried using its tail to swat him off. The tail wasn't long enough but it did spray Superkid a few times with milky slime that made him smell bitter. Didn't dislodge him though. So then the dandelion tried something else: it rolled over.

That did it. Superkid had been working out plans in his head to take this beast down when he felt the world heave to the side. Then his body crashed to the ground and the dandelion's weight pressed him against it, causing his arms and legs to spring apart, freeing the monstrous weed of its burden. The crowd cheered.

Superkid lay on the ground winded, unable to get to his feet. The dandelion rolled to its feet then turned and lowered its head to the fallen hero, its mouth open and dripping with dewy drool... or would that be drooly dew?

It looked to be a gruesome end for our hero after only 3 minutes 32 seconds--and for our bet. But he wasn't ready to bite the dirt just yet--he was on his back. For as the dandelion was about to snatch him up as snack, it got a blast of pale green liquid that made it turn away.

"Leave him alone, ugly," Darrin growled, pointing his water cannon at it.

The beast stared curiously at him for a second or two and then turned back to Superkid. It got a second blast that brought it spinning back with a warning growl. Darrin blasted it once more for good measure and then started running when the mutant dandelion lunged for him. As it chased after Darrin, Derrick rushed in and pulled Superkid to his feet. Superkid swayed as he struggled to remain upright.

"You okay?" Derrick asked him worriedly.

"Just need my breath back," Superkid gasped, gripping Derrick's shoulder to keep from falling over.

"Just fly us out of here," Derrick pleaded with him. "That thing's going to kill us if we stay!"

"They'll just come after us. We'd never get away."

"They'll never go away no matter how many of them you defeat! They'll just keep coming and coming and coming and--"

"All right, all right, I get it!" Superkid snapped, giving him a shove to shut him up. "But I still need to rescue Darrin."

Valiant Darrin. Brave Darrin. Poor, foolish, unfortunate Darrin. He had saved Superkid's life by distracting the beast, but now his own was in jeopardy. It had only taken two seconds for that beast to knock him to the ground and pin him. Now it grinned at him, milky sap dripping from its mouth onto Darrin's forehead.

But as we have learned by now, distraction was its Achilles heel. A sudden thump on its back diverted its attention from its meal. That sudden thump turned out to be none other than Superkid, who grinned and waved at it. Derrick sat behind him with an expression that said quite plainly, "Uh oh."

Superkid snatched up the dandelion's petals in both hands and yanked. The dandelion roared and reared up on its hind legs, freeing Darrin, who quickly scrambled out of the way. Then, as an experiment, Superkid tugged the petals with his left hand. As he had hoped, the dandelion lurched to the left, landing just in front of the mutant plant crowd, which scrambled backwards safely out of the way. Superkid then tugged the petals in his right hand, which sent the monstrous weed to the right. And when he tugged the petals in both hands... care to guess? It roared and sprang into the air, spinning itself in a half circle so that when it landed it was facing the opposite direction. Before the fearless kid could tug on its mane again, it sprang into the air again and twisted in the opposite direction. It barely touched the ground when it was back in the air, twisting back. It was trying to buck them off!

"Hold tight!" Superkid yelled, his voice bungled through the bucking.

"Get me off this thing!" Derrick screeched in terror.

It was quite a ride--a terrifying one for Derrick and a thrilling ride for the super kid, considering that he was hypnotized to feel no fear. But while it was thrilling for Superkid and terrifying for Derrick, it was devastating for the mutant plants unfortunate enough to be in the way. They had neglected an essential element to enjoying a gladiator spectacle: strong, high walls. As a result, they were flattened, battered, and even decapitated by the out-of-control dandelion monster and then left to gasp out, "Re-e-e-e-ed!" before they collapsed and withered. Superkid did try his best to bring this beastie under control but with minimal luck.

It was finally brought to its knees by planting its face into a telephone pole. It came away, leaving a few twisted teeth embedded in the wood and landing with a heavy flump. Superkid and Derrick had dived off just before impact and now got to their feet. Derrick scooted away. Superkid, however, stepped closer to the beast-plant.

"A little tuckered out there, whiskers?" he asked, giving its mane a tug.

The thing roared and struggled to its feet... and then fell again. Superkid grinned, gave it a pat and said, "Thanks for clearing out those wicked weeds for us. Saved me a lot of work."

It snorted grumpily and shifted to get to its feet but eventually stopped struggling. Darrin jogged over and asked, "Is it dead?"

"Just winded," Superkid replied. Then when something caught his eye, he looked down.

The golden petals were curling into the dandelion's face. They pulled at each other, tensing together until the fluffy mane became a solid bulb.

Darrin stepped closer curiously. "Did it just die?"

"Not sure," Superkid answered. He gave the bulb a poke.

The petals suddenly blew outward. White fluff sprang out. Then the monster roared, "RE-E-E-E-E-ED!" blasting the fluff into the air and sending them drifting off to find someplace to take root. Then the dandelion beast, now pockmarked after shedding its whiskers, flumped to the ground, now truly dead.

Superkid wasn't looking well. "Crap," he groaned. "We're going to have more of them."

"Well, now what?" Derrick asked.

"There's got to be a way to get rid of them all," said Darrin.

"Our best bet," said Superkid, "is to go right to the source and figure out what's going on. And our best bet for that is to find the man responsible for all of this."

"Who's that?" Derrick asked.

Superkid rolled his eyes. "Who do you think? These plant monsters all yelled his name when they died."

Darrin exclaimed, "Oh! You mean..."

Superkid nodded. "Doctor Red."

Well, I guess we were wrong after all. The battle ended at 6 minutes 38 seconds. We all bet ten minutes so none of us won. At least we get our money back...

Hold on. What's this? Someone put $500 on six minutes! He... he won the bet! Are you kidding me? Wait! _He bet on six minutes and thirty-eight seconds?!_ How could he have known that? He must have cheated!

Great. We just lost our money to someone who got the fight down to the second. That's why, folks, it's never a good idea to bet. You only end up lining someone else's pockets.

And with these words of wisdom, let's move on to the next chapter.

Chapter 8: The Return of Black Belt

Our heroes now had a mission: to find the crazy, evil doctor and find out how his evil creations could be stopped. They wasted no time--after the telephone pole that the dandelion had stuck its teeth into came to life with loud cracks that was the pole splitting out some legs and arms from its body while the teeth of the dandelion became its eyes and nose. As the three of them ran, they discussed possible spots to begin their search.

"Didn't you find him on Lonely Road?" Darrin asked.

"Once," Superkid told him, "but then I found him in an abandoned factory clear over in Sothton plus a few miles."

"Yikes!" said Darrin. "I hope he's not there. I don't want to walk clear over there to find him."

"I hope we find him soon," Derrick agreed.

"Before we run into more trouble," Superkid finished.

But of course, when someone says something like that, they are inevitably bound to run into trouble--so declares the law of situational irony in section 5, subsection j. This sort of trouble they were about to run into was someone very familiar. Someone who last appeared two editions ago. Someone who was brought back purely for old times' sake.

That someone was... Black Belt.

And how was this temperamental woman going to conveniently drop in on the story? What was to be her role? The answers to both of these questions require a bit of narrative and a few fight scenes--and who doesn't love fight scenes? So, wasting no more time, let's find the answers to these questions!

Black Belt was riding in the car with her good friend and psychiatrist, Dr. Rowenna E. Doublin--I might question the sincerity of her friendship, considering she's a psychiatrist and is paid to be a friend, but I digress. As the two women rode through the streets, they discussed techniques to control Black Belt's anger problem--she had a tendency to vault men over her head if they so much as used the word "babe" on her. For those of you concerned about meeting her, she's a young woman with dirty-blond hair cut at shoulder-length, blue eyes, and a preference for white clothes. Whatever you do, keep your mouth shut, your eyes averted, and your hands where she can see them--she's less likely to flip out on you that way.

But she was aiming to fix that, which is why Doctor Rowenna E. Doublin was talking with her. "If you feel any urges to hurt your offender, what do you do?"

Black Belt recited, "I stop, close my eyes, take a deep breath, and count to ten," and so demonstrated.

The psychiatrist nodded. "And afterwards, what do you do?"

"I evaluate--take the time to think through the situation. Ask myself, 'Might there have been a reason for his action or choice of words? Does he give me any reason to feel threatened?'"

"And then?"

"I take action accordingly."

"Yes, but which course of action should you take? What are your options?"

Black Belt hesitated. She pulled a face as she recited reluctantly, "If I have decided he has offended me, my first option will be to ignore him. My next option is to tell him politely but firmly that he is offending me. My next option is to walk away, and if he persists _then_ can I resort to defensive action."

"Very good. Now..." The doctor suddenly gasped as the wheel wobbled in her hands. The car weaved back and forth on the road, coming close to taking out a mailbox before she stomped on the brakes. She had only just breathed a sigh of relief when the car shuddered.

Black Belt sat upright, her body tense. She turned to the window and said, "What's going on?"

She got her answer a few seconds later. The car shuddered a few more times and then, from around the corner, something stomped into view. The psychiatrist took a noisy, frightened breath.

It was a giant tree ghoul. It was pale with dry, peeling bark. It had thin slits for eyes and a jagged mouth like a jack-o-lantern. It had skinny limbs with long, bony fingers. Its trunk split into two legs with long wormy roots at its feet. It looked as though it had stepped out of the pages of a classic spooky woods illustration. And if the two women didn't move quickly, the tree would flatten them and the car into a road-kill illustration!

Now here was the perfect time for Black Belt to practice her anger management techniques. You know, the "stop, close your eyes, take a deep breath, and count to ten" thing. The "evaluate: 'Does this thing give me any reason to feel offended?' and review your options: ignore, politely but firmly warn, walk away, and lastly attack" thing.

Fortunately for the both of them, old habits die hard... kind of like comic book villains. Had Black Belt actually gone through all the steps, by the time she had finished, the tree ghoul would have her and her, uh, "friend" pasted all over the asphalt. But now that the time came to put her techniques into practice, she threw them straight out the window and jumped immediately into attack mode. She leaped out of the car and ran forward to confront this mutant menace. The tree ghoul paused a moment, surprised that anyone would be stupid enough to challenge it, but then continued forward. It was going to show this stupid little human just which of them was the challenge. Just goes to show how much it knows.

They stopped in front of each other. Black Belt undid her belt, which was actually her web whip cleverly disguised. The tree ghoul raised its foot to crush her, but she lashed her whip around its foot and then scooted underneath it. The foot came down and then the tree ghoul twisted to find her. Black Belt swung herself around its other foot, around its back, and then to the front again. It had attempted to follow her, but she was too quick and as a result it tripped and crashed to the ground. The impact was so hard, splinters went spinning into the air like shrapnel from a bomb.

The plant monster was quite stunned at how easily it had been taken down. But there was no time for it to feel sorry for itself; Black Belt had just leaped onto its torso and was heading quickly toward its vulnerable point... er, no, it was the other direction, toward its face. When she reached it, she dropped to her knee, tore off a chunk of its jagged crown, and jammed it into its mouth. This was a pretty dangerous move since the tree ghoul could chomp off her arm, but before its neurons could fire off any signals to do so, she had plunged through the back of its fleshy throat with its own splinter! Then she pulled out her arm and jumped off the tree ghoul--both before the tree's neurons could fire off signals for another response: choking.

The skeletal branches went for its throat as it gagged. It kicked its trunk legs and rocked back and forth in agony. Black Belt watched it coldly... with no shred of sympathy... yes, I suppose it _did_ try to kill her, but still... that is one cold-hearted woman. Not even the pitiful gasp of "Re-e-e-e-e-ed," before the tree ghoul stopped moving stirred her. She simply walked over and began unwinding her whip from its legs.

Dr. Rowenna slowly came out of the car, staring in shock at the defeated tree ghoul. Then from around the corner three kids sprinted into view. Black Belt turned curiously.

"Are you okay?" Superkid panted for breath. "We saw that monster charging like it was going after someone, so we..." Then he spotted Black Belt glaring down at him and he cried, "You!"

"Are you saying," said Black Belt coldly, "that you thought I was some helpless victim that needed you to come rescue me?"

"Well... yes. I didn't know it was you, I swear." he said, choosing his words carefully for he was well aware of his former karate master's unstable temperament.

But a house of cards needs only a breeze to send it over the edge and Black Belt was very much like a house of cards... her temper, I mean; I was not saying anything about her frailty--I mean, I wasn't saying she is frail because she's definitely not! Fortunately for me, I'm a narrator and outside Black Belt's reach, so she can't touch me for my slip of the tongue. Superkid, on the other hand, was in quite a volatile situation where one slipup could get him into a battle to the death!

"Have I not convinced you," the short-fused woman continued, her voice frosting over with each word, "that I am fully capable of taking care of myself?"

"Now Jennifer, remember what I taught you," said Dr. Rowenna E. Doublin, placing her hand on Black Belt's shoulder.

Here was another opportunity to put what she had learned to practice. A chance to prove she could master her anger--show compassion--be forgiving--let bygones be bygones... but then what would happen to our epic battle between the former karate master and her former student? It wouldn't happen, that's what, and then I'd have been a liar, and I am not a liar. So, fortunately for my reputation, Black Belt was seeing red and ready to put the hurt on the upstart, little, snot-nosed punk! All her house of cards that was her temper needed was a little tap. And this was where Derrick came in.

He told Black Belt, "He didn't think it was you. Definitely not you. He thought it was a poor, helpless girl about to be squashed like a cute, little spider."

Black Belt tensed her body and her fists clenched tightly. Superkid saw the warning signals. He murmured warningly to his friend, "Derrick."

"Yeah," Derrick continued, not having heard the superhero. "He saw that thing charging and then he heard a scream like a little girl calling for help."

"Derrick!" Superkid hissed.

"When he heard that, he told us, 'I can't let an innocent, little, helpless girl get squashed by a giant tree!' and so he ran to help her."

"Derrick!" Darrin joined Superkid in trying to get his attention.

"Honestly, we thought it was a little girl that needed to be saved. We didn't know it was you and not a helpless, little girl."

By this time, Black Belt had gotten suitably steamed up. She coiled her whip with angry jerks but spoke so coldly that it made our heroes blood freeze, "So I'm a helpless, little girl, am I? Perhaps you'd like me to demonstrate just how helpless I am?"

Superkid protested, "But I didn't say any of that!"

Dr. Rowenna warned, "Jennifer..."

Black Belt ignored her. "It's not enough for you to claim all the credit for those defeated monsters--it's not enough for you to claim I was the victim of those monsters--it's not enough for you to forget who taught you how to fight-- but now you have the audacity to see me as a helpless, little girl calling for help?" She suddenly snapped her whip out to full length and shrieked, "I'll show you what this _helpless, little girl_ can do!"

Superkid was now forced to take a defensive stance. Darrin turned to Derrick and muttered, "Way to go, Derrick. Now you've got her really ticked off at Superkid."

"I did?" Derrick responded innocently. His eyes flew open and his mouth dropped. "Oh no, what have I done?"

Darrin's irritated look became suspicious. "Did you do that on purpose?"

Derrick grinned.

Ladies and gentlemen! Welcome to the Super Fighting Tournament! I'm Bill with my partner Bob and we'll be acting as your hosts during this exciting event. For today's entertainment, we present to you the matchup of the year: Superkid versus Black Belt!

Weighing in at 79 pounds, Superkid is a lightweight--very lightweight--champion, hailing from the little town of Poolington. He is skilled in karate, aeronautics, and witty banter, which has seen him through his fair share of battles and will take a big role in today's matchup.

_His opponent is known as Black Belt, weighing 147 pounds, holds a black belt, 8th degree, which is where she gets her name. She is also a skilled fighter, not so big on wittiness but she makes up for it with a whip three feet long made from_ actual _spider silk. Rumor has it, she acquired it from a run-in with a giant spider. Most impressively, they say not only did she beat it, but she also_ reached _into the spider and pulled out the web herself! You don't mess with a woman like that, Bill._

No you don't, Bob, but I think we can all agree that Superkid is no pushover either; we're really in for a treat with this matchup.

Yessir, that's right, Bill, and there's the bell. Black Belt strikes first with the whip, but Superkid dodges it and is now circling around her, presumably to get into a position where he can easily take her down.

But Black Belt has other plans in mind... you can see her with her whip... she's controlling the situation, preventing Superkid from getting close to her. She just very confident with the whip and I just don't see... how Superkid can get the edge on her.

You don't want to get too close to that whip, Bill, so I can see why the audience might think that, but you don't want to underestimate Superkid--a lot of his opponents make that mistake and end up getting whipped by him, but he's still circling and... oh, there he goes! Black Belt lashes her whip at him and he grabs it and is now running around her with it and it looks like he's going to wrap her up with her own webbing... nice maneuver.

Oh, I think you're judging too quickly, Bob, because Black Belt has grabbed the whip and is now accelerating his spin... she's going to hurl this guy out of the park with the way she's spinning that and I can imagine how badly it would hurt for him to land... and will you look at that, his feet are off the ground!

Reminds me of those merry-go-rounds, Bill. The kind they used to have at the playground, and my dad would spin us so fast we were flying. We used to pretend we were Superman. Used to get a lot of bruises on that thing too... shame they don't have them no more.

A shame but necessary, Bob. Those things are dangerous, and it's the same thing here--Superkid could lose his grip at any time and--OH! Eww! Ouch! Scraped his face raw there--asphalt is really unforgiving...

_Yes, Bill, and I don't care what superpowers you have--_ that's gotta hurt _!_

Yes, indeed, Bob, he certainly does deserve some sympathy, but it doesn't look like Black Belt is going to show any mercy--there she goes with her whip crisscrossing the air... it doesn't look good for the pint-sized hero.

Wait a minute, Bill, he's getting up...

He's getting up all right, Bob, he's getting up into the air! Using his cape as a balloon, he's getting to higher ground, so to speak, where he'll have a greater advantage on this karate master. She, of course, is trying to stop him with the whip with a lash maneuver, trying to get that whip around his foot, but--oh--misses by a hair! Superkid is now too far out of reach...

_Wait a minute, Bill, Black Belt is on the move, she... is hopping the fence--no wait, she's hopping_ onto _the fence and--oh man, I don't believe it! She's running along the fence!_

This is amazing! Was she a tightrope walker before? I don't remember reading it in her profile. Let me check...

She must have incredible balance to stand on that fence, let alone run on it. And--wait a minute, look at this... she makes a sudden leap and--oh! Classic Indiana Jones maneuver--her whip is now wrapped around Superkid's leg and she is now swinging from him... the weight is too much, he's coming down.

I can see the look of pain on his face from here--ew, I can almost feel my own ligaments tearing.

You did take your medication, didn't you, Bill?

I was speaking metaphorically, Bob.

That you were, Bill, and Black Belt touches ground and is now reeling him in... and Superkid is struggling but there is just no way to escape... it's a desperate situation for him, Bill.

Yes indeed, Bob, and he's doing everything he can to regain control of the situation: blowing into his hose to get more lift.

No he's not, Bill, his balloon has dropped and he's going to drop on top of the karate master like a sack of potatoes--

No, she scoots away just in time and yanks the line, flipping Superkid into falling headfirst--

\--and catches himself with his hands and flips himself onto his feet--

\--with that rope strung over his shoulder and still wrapped around his leg--

\--grabs it and pulls it for slack on his foot, which he shakes and manages to loosen the coils... and his leg is free!

_Whoops! Black Belt jerks him forward--_ kicks him in the face _! And she gets her whip back while poor Superkid suffers a black eye--_

And there she goes, raising her whip and... whoa, wait, did you just feel that, Bill?

Yes I did, Bob. The studio here is shaking like there's some giant stomping around out there.

_Some giant_ is _stomping around out there, Bill! And--oh my gosh, what is that thing?_

I've never actually seen it before. I've only heard stories but if I remember correctly, that is that gargantuan spider that Superkid's faced from time to time. And boy is it huge!

I know, Bill--the size of that thing! What is it doing here?

I don't know, Bob. My first guess would have been to challenge Superkid once again, but it doesn't seem to have noticed him...

But Superkid and Black Belt sure have taken notice! They've stopped fighting and are waiting to challenge it, but it pushes right past them and is now headed for...

HOLY COW! Run, Bob, run! It's going to--AAAAAACK!

And there goes our commentators. So much for my break. Ah well, it's probably for the best--I'm the best for this job, anyways.

After smashing into the commentators' box--don't worry, they're okay--the gargantuan spider backpedaled and grabbed its face, hissing in pain.

"Stupid commentator box!" it snapped. "Who put that there?" It turned, looked down, and paused.

"Hey! It's you two! What great luck!"

What great luck indeed. The two of them were instantly on it with whips on its flank and face and punches on its legs.

"Goh! Ow! Argh! Wait! Doh! Stop!" It fell onto its side with an earth-quaking thump. Superkid and Black Belt stood back together and admired their work. Then Superkid scooted to a safer distance from his former teacher.

The evil arachnid said grumpily, "Can I ask you a favor now or do I need a couple more beatings first?"

Black Belt's response was a cold glare as she coiled her whip. Superkid's response was a mouthful of scorn, "A favor? You dare ask a favor after all your evil wrongdoings?"

This should have shut the diabolical crawler up, but Derrick, unable to control his curiosity, asked, "What favor?"

"It's a very small favor," the monstrous arachnid answered matter-of-factly. "Not very hard at all." It lifted a leg and pointed to its face. "Will you remove these needles?"

"What happened?" Derrick asked sympathetically.

The eight-legged beast told its story about the cacti coming to life and shooting needles into its face, and of the spider being unable to remove the needles itself. Then it recounted its tragic adventure to find someone who could relieve it of its pain, battling through mutated flora on the way. Superkid had been ready to berate Derrick for giving the monster any kind of sympathy, but as he listened to its tale, a crafty idea entered his mind.

"I swear!" exclaimed the spider, "I was being attacked left and right by these things! It's like these plants are being controlled or something!"

"I see what you mean," Superkid replied. "We've got a similar problem. We're all being attacked by mutated plants."

"That's great," muttered the monstrous arachnid without sympathy. "Now if you don't mind." It jabbed a leg at its face.

"Of course, sorry," said Dr. Rowenna E. Doublin, moving forward to help. Superkid stopped her by throwing out his arm and said, "Hold on. We don't have time to help you. We've got our own crisis to solve--never mind the fact that you're a jerk."

"Oh come on!" the spider whined. "This really hurts! I can't even talk without my face feeling like it's on fire!"

"I really don't see the benefit of helping you," Superkid continued, shooting the psychiatrist a warning look as she had started forward again.

"All right, all right, how about this? I'll help you with whatever you're doing if you pull out these needles."

Superkid pretended to mull it over for a few seconds before he allowed a smug smile to spread on his face and he answered, "Sounds like a deal to me."

Dr. Rowenna, looking relieved that the two of them had settled things, moved forward once again to help the spider. But then Black Belt stepped forward and said, "Wait! How do we know you won't go back on your promise?"

Superkid nodded. "Oh yeah, that's right. Good call, BB."

She gave him a strange look. "BB?"

He shrugged. "Short for Black Belt."

"I see."

The evil arachnid crossed the air with its leg over the general area of where an upright man's chest would be. "I cross my heart and hope to die if I don't help you after you pull these needles out."

"But you said the same thing last time and broke your promise," Darrin pointed out.

"But this time I mean it!" the spider cried. "What do you want me to do to prove I'll keep my promise?"

"Dress like a ballerina!" Derrick exclaimed. When everyone gave him strange looks, he explained, "I've always wanted to see this thing in a giant tutu... that and--er--Doctor Red."

"As funny as that would be to see, I don't think it would work." Superkid tapped his chin thoughtfully. "So then how are we going to do it?"

"The answer's simple," responded Black Belt, striding over to the monstrous crawler, which shrank back nervously. "We pull out most of the needles but leave a few in. After it's helped us with this epidemic, we pull the rest out." She yanked out a needle, causing the spider to yelp. She held up the needle, which was about as long as her finger.

"Good plan," said Superkid and moved forward to help. He was joined by Darrin, Derrick, and Doctor Rowenna, who all helped to pull out the needles--Darrin and Derrick with gleeful yanks but the psychiatrist with soothing words and more ease in her technique. But they weren't pulling for long when a fluttery screech disturbed the air. They all turned around to find a group of giant plants with spiky leaves and fluffy purple heads charging toward them, whipping green ropes above their heads. Wrangler thistles... with poison ivy lariats!

"We'll have to do this later," Superkid said. He clambered onto the spider's hairy back and then waved to his friends. "Climb on everybody and let's get out of here!"

"Wait a minute!" cried the spider as everyone obeyed. "I'm not a packhorse! I'm not just going to--gyah!" It had just spotted what was coming their way and now jumped to its feet and scuttled for its life.

It's the closest we've seen in running-for-your-life history, Bob.

You've said it, Bill. That eight-legged monster needs to be at its fastest to outrun those vicious mutant thistle rustlers.

As the spider passed the commentator box, it swung its massive behind at it, utterly shattering it. Two very surprised commentators blinked the dust out of their eyes and combed out slivers of wood from their hair. Then they retreated to safety as the thistle posse galloped past them.

That's the closest I've ever been to the action, Bob.

You can't get any closer than that, Bill.

Chapter 9: The Hunt for Red Doctor

It seemed that there was nowhere to run, for every time the spider turned a corner, there was a horde of evil, mutant plants waiting for it. It didn't help much that it had a bunch of backseat drivers on its back.

"Go that way!" Derrick yelled. "There's a bunch of rhododendrons behind us!" Then he giggled and repeated, "Rhododendrons."

"No, don't go that way," Superkid barked, yanking sharply on the spider's hairs. "There are dandelions coming from that way!"

"What about that way?" Darrin suggested. "Those poppies don't look too tough."

"Perhaps we should stop and ask for directions," Dr. Rowenna E. Doublin suggested.

Finally, the gargantuan monster skidded to a halt and roared, "Everyone just SHUT UP! I'm the conductor of this crazy train, so I'M going to decide which way to go!"

Everyone was stunned silent, but the evil eight-legged fiend didn't take the time to appreciate it; it played a quick game of eeny-meeny-miney-mo before it took off down the street.

"Wait a minute!" yelled Superkid. "We just came from that way!"

"DON'T MAKE ME TURN THIS BUTT AROUND!" the spider bellowed angrily.

Never before had such a threat been so effective. Not usually do you have a threatening plant horde behind you to drive home its implication.

After running what seemed like miles of twists and turns through busy streets and dark alleyways, the spider-turned-cab stumbled to a road that Superkid recognized with cheer.

"Hey!" he said excitedly. "This is the way to Poison Pond!"

"Wonderful. I've always wanted to visit," grumbled the spider.

"No, you don't get it! We should be safe there."

"Safe in a toxic environment?"

"It's just a salt pond with concentrations so high that few living organisms can live there."

"And what about the ones that do?"

Black Belt responded, "It's as safe as we're going to get. Anything we do find there, I'm sure we'll handle without too much difficulty."

"Okay, but then what? What are we going to do to stop all these plants of evil?"

Derrick answered, "We're looking for Doctor Red."

The psychiatrist stiffened in surprise. "Me?"

"No, a different Doctor Red; but wait, your name is Doctor Red?"

"Dr. Rowenna E. Doublin," she answered. Which I guess explains the nagging feeling I've been having for three editions now. "PhD in psychiatry, specializing in anger management. My hobby is collecting plants that are rare or unusual."

Everyone stared at her. She glanced around at everyone in bewilderment. "Did I say something?"

"You collect rare and weird plants?" Derrick asked.

"Is that significant?"

Darrin said, "Did any of your plants... like, were any of them... weird? Like, weirder than weird?"

"Well, uh, I don't recall..."

"Are you suggesting," said Black Belt in her usual cold voice, "that Dr. Rowenna is responsible for the plants' uprising?"

Darrin raised his hands defensively. "I'm just asking!"

During all this, the Arachno-Cruiser (copyright infringement can be a messy business, but fortunately I'm quite good at catchy titles) had been following a downhill incline between high embankments of crusty dirt streaked with white. It followed through several switchbacks until at last it rounded the final turn and found itself at the shore of a large pond. There was the heavy scent of salt in the air. Unfortunately, there weren't any potatoes to go with it. All that was there was a salt-encrusted shack just off the shoreline. Also worthy to note was a significant lack of plants just as Superkid had said. They would be safe here... or would they?

Quiz time! Will the danger our band of heroes face be:

A. the ultimate mutated vegetation, second only to the mother of all mutants?

B. a villain met on previous occasions?

C. critical levels of toxins in the air that our hero had not known about?

D. no danger, it's going to be a horrible anticlimax

The results are in! The answer... will be revealed right after this long anecdote.

The gargantuan arachnid staggered to a halt and then collapsed, wheezing from exhaustion. Everyone slid off its back and began exploring the crusty beach. Only Dr. Rowenna E. Doublin bothered to say thanks for the ride to the spider, who muttered gruffly back, "No problem."

Derrick went to splash in the pond in his bare feet. Darrin went to investigate the white bands that ringed the pond where the salt water's levels used to be. Black Belt checked suspicious cracks in the ground in case some monstrous mutant plant _could_ survive here. Dr. Rowenna drifted to a point on the beach where she could keep an eye on everyone. And the giant spider just wheezed where it had fallen.

With everyone drifting in random directions while a crisis was in effect, someone was bound to run into something that would send them running again. You probably noticed I neglected to mention what Superkid was doing because, naturally, he was going to be the one running into the aforementioned something that would send them running again--which meant he was headed for the most obvious site where the something that would send them running again would be hiding... the shack.

He climbed the creaky steps to the crusty door that sat askew in its frame. He pressed his hand against the faded wood then kneed it when he couldn't push it open. The flimsy door wobbled as it creaked inward and Superkid stepped inside.

It was dark... filled with shadows... with only a tiny shaft of sunlight coming through a tiny window set up high... and the wind whistled through chinks in the walls in a low moan... spooky. Superkid took a few steps inside. Unfortunately, he was wearing sneakers so he couldn't add ominous sounds of "clomp... clomp..." to the atmos...

Clomp.

Huh? I thought he was wearing sneakers! It couldn't be...

Clomp.

Oh. It _wasn't_ him. He was holding perfectly still after that first clomp. Someone _else_ was making that clomping noise in the dark, spooky shack... or some _thing_.

Pencils down, you guys! No changing your answers! Besides, statistics indicate that students' first answers are usually the right ones.

Superkid slowly took a step back. His sneaker squeaked when it touched the floor so the clomp definitely hadn't come from him. Now that he had determined that it wasn't him making the clomp, he set about to discovering what had--never mind the fact that it was a dark, spooky shack--potentially a place where dark and evil things lurked.

"Who's there?" our hero called out fearlessly.

Fearless, yes, but probably not very smart. At that instant, there was a "Zwing!" as something tangerine flashed next to his ear. He promptly ducked for cover, crawled underneath a charting desk, and then scanned the room for the threat.

Something large moved out from behind a tall cupboard and moved forward: clomp... clomp.

_That clears_ that _up_ , thought Superkid as he hunched himself a bit more. _But what exactly was that that was fired at me?_

He studied the form and noticed a portion of its shadow had glowing lights. The figure paused for a moment and then slowly clomped forward. Superkid racked his brain as he tried to decide what to do.

Then he heard the stairs creak outside. Before he could yell a warning, the door burst open and Derrick said, "Hey, Superkid! Whadja find?"

There was another "Zwing!" and tangerine flash. Then Derrick's voice broke off as he clutched his chest where the flash had hit him.

"Hey!" Superkid snarled, bursting from his hiding place. He tackled the figure, who was quite warm and bulky. The figure landed with a "Humph!" and when he was punched, he said, "Gah!"

"That'll teach you to mess with my friends!" Superkid yelled as he punched.

Just then, Black Belt appeared. She tried to push past Derrick, but he gasped and yelled, not budging.

"What's the matter?" she asked and tried to push him aside.

He yelled in pain again and then whimpered, "My chest! It feels like someone's pinching it and twisting it!"

"Can you move so that I can see it?" she asked, trying to push past him again but was met with the same result.

Meanwhile, Superkid and his foe rolled into the charter desk, snapping its flimsy brace. It tipped forward, dumping pencils, pens, compasses, and various other charting tools onto the wrestling duo, who paused in surprise. Then the desk itself fell on top of them with a solid thunk.

Black Belt lost her patience and yanked Derick backwards. He came away with a fleshy "spork" sound and a glass-shattering scream. She tossed him back to Dr. Rowenna who caught him and then drew back with a scream when she saw blood on her hand. The karate woman ignored the confusion behind her and made for the confusion in front of her instead. She was astonished when she stumbled backwards--that is, she stumbled backwards _before_ she was astonished--for she had felt what seemed like a solid finger that had poked her just under the sternum. She looked down and then froze.

Dangling in front of her seemingly in midair was a scrap of cloth and skin dripping blood! Now she wasn't normally one to show fear, but she had never actually seen anything like this before nor had she ever thought something like this was possible in the real world. It did take a while but by alternating her gaze between the suspended scrap of cloth and skin and the annoying kid clutching his chest and yelling in agony, she eventually realized that the suspended scrap of cloth and skin had been torn off from the annoying kid's chest!

She stared at it for a second or two. Then she swatted it. She gave the tiniest grunt of pain and immediately withdrew her hand for it had felt like she had slapped a nail. And the suspended scrap of cloth and skin remained where it was.

She heard running behind her and a voice asking, "What's going on?" causing her to turn her head, which tossed out her hair--almost like a supermodel. The moment was ruined by a "Zwing!" right next to her ear, causing her to turn her head again like a supermodel... in fact, her hair seemed to be suspended in the air in slow motion as she turned, but it wasn't special effects. When Black Belt turned, she actually felt little pricks on her head. When she spotted something to her right, she took a closer look and discovered something tangerine glowing, with her hairs embedded within it--some of which had come off her head and others which were _still attached_! The tangerine glowing object had somehow tacked her hair in midair!

_What the_? She grabbed her hair and tugged. The hairs snapped taut but refused to come untacked.

Just then, there was another "Zwing!" by her ear. This time, she caught the tangerine flash in the corner of her vision. Following the trajectory of the afterimage, she realized it was coming from the two wrestlers on the floor.

She gave one last fruitless tug on her hair somehow tacked to the air and then undid her spider-whip belt.

"Enough!" She snapped her whip.

The wrestlers ignored her. There was another tangerine flash that tacked a spider to the air as it was lowering itself. The creepy yet unfortunate thing flailed its many legs as its thread continued to lower without it.

She had given a warning but she couldn't remember if there was something else she needed to do before attacking. She decided she didn't care and lashed her whip. It wound around the shadow where colored lights were blinking. She yanked, which brought it sailing to her. It was a little heavier than she had expected and it clunked at her feet. She recognized it as a gun--a strange-looking one to be sure, but the basic appearance of the thing was that of a projectile-based mechanism proportionally designed for hand mobility.

But this had not stopped the wrestling duo, who were still rolling, punching, grunting, "yeow"ing and all that. So she lashed her whip again, which wrapped around Superkid's arm. She yanked him back, which bounced him painfully on the boards. His foe, now free, scrambled backwards and to his feet. He breathed heavily from the tussle.

"What do you want?" he growled.

Black Belt stepped forward--then stepped back by both the finger poke to her stomach and the yank on her hair. So she raised her whip threateningly instead and demanded, "Who are you?"

"No one. Just a very territorial hermit who would like to be left alone."

"You've got a pretty good defense to keep you left alone, mysterious hermit," Superkid muttered aloud. "Not a lot of people--even hermits for that matter--use weapons that fire lasers."

"What do you want then? To satisfy your crave for action-adventure?"

"We've had enough of it, thank you very much. We want you to get rid of your evil plants."

"My what?!"

"Hold it," Black Belt intervened. "Are you the--uh... Doctor Red these kids were looking for?"

The mysterious hermit stepped forward where a shaft of sunlight, conveniently placed, illuminated his steamy features.

"What they're looking for is trouble," Dr. Red snarled. "Now if they--or you--had any kind of intelligence, you'd get as far from here as possible."

"Not until you get rid of all your plants!" Superkid retorted.

" _My_ plants?! What makes you think they're mine?"

"They've been screaming your name every time they've died," Darrin answered, trying to push past Black Belt.

At this, Red's complexion paled until he looked very much like those of us who've been holed in our studies, working through the night to get our narrative written.

"How... peculiar... you sure it was my name they were saying?" he asked, trying to sound uninterested.

"Re-e-e-e-e-e-ed," Darrin imitated the rough, high-pitched wail of the plants. Dr. Red cringed but said, "That could be anything. They could just be roaring. Maybe you just imagined they were saying my name."

"Even if that was true," Superkid said, pointing an accusing finger at the malicious doctor, "you have a history of bizarre experiments: giant insects, weapons that fire green goop, that poison that actually gave me my power, my clone..." He paused.

Red's face grew purple. He was caught and he knew it.

"With all of that, an army of mutant plants is right up your alley."

The evil medical professional huffed irritably. "So what do you want?"

"For you to stop it! To tell your plant army to retreat and to go back to where they came from. To flip a switch so that they all die."

Dr. Red sputtered in amazement, "You think _I'm_ controlling those plants? You think I can destroy them all with a simple flip of a switch? Were it only that simple! Do you know the horrors I've been through?" He began pacing--which is a little tricky when the distance between the walls is one pace. But the mad genius managed it. He wouldn't have been a mad genius without a mad genius's penchant for pacing.

As he paced, he ranted, "Wherever I went, plants came to life and I had to flee; I ran to the grocery store and the produce came to life; I ran to the lumber mill and the logs came to life; I ran to a steel warehouse and the little potted trees they used to brighten the place with came to life! There just wasn't anywhere for me to run..."

He continued his lament, which Superkid listened to with little sympathy. In fact, he checked his watch though he had never worn one. The karate woman stood with her arms folded and her foot tapping. She occasionally tugged at her tacked hair but it was no looser than before.

"...I lived in terror. Day after day, I huddled in dark basements, humid attics, dusty warehouses, and always they found me. She seems determined to hunt me down and I don't know why! After all I did for her: gave her the right amount of sun, fed her the juiciest insects, kept her pot watered..."

Superkid's interest should have piqued but he was still in his stupor, trying more and more obvious signs that he frankly didn't care: waving his hand over his mouth as he yawned, nodding his head to indicate dozing off, and throwing back his head and sticking out his tongue like a dead possum. It was Black Belt who caught on to the significance of his ranting.

"Wait," she said suddenly, startling the malicious man with an esteemed title into silence. "Who is after you?"

"I never said that!" the doctor protested--too quickly. "And I don't know where all the plants came from, so go away and leave me alone!"

"Wait a minute!" said Superkid, whose mind had to fast-forward to catch up. "They _are_ after you! That's why they yell your name! That's why you're hiding! They're after _you_! Why are they after you?"

"They're not!"

"Your story isn't consistent," Black Belt told him. "You're lying somewhere. Now tell us the truth or I will bring this whip across your face."

Dr. Red hesitated for a second or two. Then he finally grumbled, "I suppose it wouldn't hurt to tell you." He cleared his throat and began in dramatic storytelling fashion, "It all began with a delivery mix-up..."

And he gave them the story. It was a long and tragic story--full of love, betrayal, and heartbreak--the unabridged version. Yes, it was the long version that ate up a lot of time, which I actually spent quite productively. I made myself a glass of lemonade--a little sour but not bad. Then I went to fix the leaky faucet. After I finished that, I went to the TV to see if any good episodes were on.

Two soap operas and three commercial breaks later, the diabolical doctor's lengthy tale of woe came to a close. "And ever since then, I've been in hiding, always wondering if she'll find me, always fearing she'll get me..."

Darrin--the only one awake after that--said, "So wait, all these mutant plants are coming from your Vena? A plant you didn't order?"

"Must be," the evil doctor replied. "When my formula mutated her, it must have also given her the ability to pass on this mutation to other plants."

"Huh?" Superkid snapped to consciousness, replayed the scene from when he was semi-conscious in fast forward, then responded, "Oh yeah, uh, where is this... Vena?"

"What exactly is this Vena?" Black Belt added.

"She's a _Dionaea muscipula_ ," Red explained. When Black Belt and Superkid gave him an odd look, he said, "A Venus flytrap." He added, "She's at the far eastern side of town in an abandoned post office."

"You'll have to come show us where," said Superkid.

"What?! Are you crazy? I can't go back there! She'll kill me!"

"But you can't keep running forever," Darrin told him. "She'll just keep mutating plants until she finds you... until there's nowhere left to run..."

Doctor Red fell into silent pondering. He had to admit that Superkid's little friend was right. Vena would just continue to send her underlings after him. She would continue to spread her roots--so to speak--until either the entire Earth was under her control or she found him... whichever came sooner.

But he didn't want to die! He'd sooner let the world succumb to the plant's evil influence than sacrifice himself! Besides, what had the world ever done for him?

Which was a rather ironic question to ask because at that moment the world was sending him a little present. A nasty little surprise actually... And his first hint of it came in the form of a terrified shriek. All heads turned immediately toward the sound.

"Doctor Rowenna!" cried Black Belt and rushed to save her. She winced when her hair was ripped from her scalp but did not slow down. Superkid and Darrin were slowed by it though. They stared at the sizable clump of dirty-blond hair suspended in the air. Then their imaginations shifted to where that sizable clump used to hang and they shuddered. Then, to escape any more mental scarring, they followed Black Belt outside.

Now you're probably curious to know what exactly had caused that terrified scream. But I'm not going to tell you just yet. Rather, I'm going to draw out the tension, prolong the dramatic reveal, and rewind a bit to the time when a portion of Derrick's chest had been ripped off.

Warning: the following narrative may be too graphic for some audiences. Reader discretion is advised.

No one seemed too concerned about Derrick. When he screamed in pain after a section of his chest had been ripped off, his friends just thought he was being a baby and overdramatic as was his tendency. Black Belt was a little too dumbfounded by the mysteriously suspended piece of flesh and cloth to be concerned--and perhaps a little, dare I say, heartless. The only one who took his agony seriously was the easily moved Doctor Rowenna E. Doublin. Only she noticed the huge, dark stain on his shirt and the dark blood seeping out of the hole in his chest.

You would think that it was fortunate--and convenient-- she was a doctor, wouldn't you, and would immediately know how to patch Derrick up. But let me remind you that she was a _psychiatrist_ and not a medical professional. Fortunately, she had seen enough television to know that the first thing to do was to stop the blood flow. She could accomplish this in a number of ways: using a strip of Derrick's shirt, using a strip of her own, or a strip from a curtain from the shack. But she went for the unconventional and quite surprising option: asking the spider for some of its webbing!

Derrick wasn't aware of her plan, distracted as he was by the hole in his chest, as she helped him along the sand. The spider was also clueless, wondering why she and Superkid's annoying friend were coming its way. It soon became clear when she spoke.

"I'm sorry to bother you, Mr. Spider, but could you lend us a little of your webbing?"

"My what?" the gargantuan arachnid responded in surprise.

"You see, this poor young man is bleeding and I need something to stop the bleeding with."

"Why do you need my webbing?" it grumped. "Why not use a strip of his shirt... or yours?" It paused a second for a wicked grin before becoming grumpy again.

"That's a good idea, of course, but I'm not strong enough to tear cloth..." she demonstrated on Derrick's sleeve, "...and he's not in any condition to tear a strip for himself. And your webbing is the strongest and won't soak up blood, and spiders are known for their skilled web work..."

The diabolical creeper was suitably flattered as the psychiatrist hoped--funnily enough, she had meant every word. It didn't want to seem like a pushover though, so it rolled its eyes a bit--then winced when it remembered one of the needles still stuck above its eye--and hummed a little.

The good doctor added, "I'll pull out the rest of the needles for you."

"Deal!" the spider exclaimed with glee then lowered its head so that she could reach the needles. It probably would be a better idea if the kind doctor asked the menacing, multi-legged crawler for its webbing before pulling out the needles, but she was such a trusting woman. She gently eased the first needle out and flicked it to the ground then moved on to the other ones. Derrick stopped gasping when he saw what she was doing and he cried, "Why are you pulling them out?"

"He promised to give us webbing if I pull them out for him," she explained as she pulled out the rest of them. She eased out the last needle and flicked it to the ground.

Derrick gasped out, "But..."

He didn't get a chance to finish. The diabolical critter cried, "Ahh! Relief!" then it bound to its feet and turned.

"It's getting away!" Derrick wheezed as he swayed.

"Thanks for the help," the eight-legged fiend called. Then it laughed and yelled, "See you later, suckers!" and began scuttling away.

"Wait!" Dr. Rowenna E. Doublin shrieked. "What about your webbing? You promised!"

"I tried... to tell you..." Derrick began.

Suddenly, the spider skidded to a halt and shrieked. White rope shot out its end and continued to shoot out as it turned and scuttled back toward the doctor and Derrick.

"What's wrong?" asked the doctor as the monstrous crawler zoomed past them, trailing webbing behind it.

Suddenly, Black Belt appeared beside her. Superkid and Darrin appeared soon thereafter. Dr. Red did not appear. He stayed behind in the doorway of the rundown shack, fearful that the shriek meant that Vena or one of her legions had found him. And he was right. It was that nasty surprise that the world had sent him: the telephone pole that had come to life by means of the dandelion's remains. It made a dramatic entrance from the road by plowing through the high salty banks. It had also changed into something to make itself more imposing: battle armor, looking as though it was prepared to slay a dragon rather than a bunch of puny humans... although, come to think of it, puny humans can get pretty darn mean when it comes to the fate of their existence, so it was probably appropriate.

It wore a giant walnut shell on its head as a helmet. On its body it wore pinecones laced together like a chain of mail. It wore a belt of poison ivy that wrapped several times around its waist. It protected its legs with bits of bamboo and it protected its arms with gauntlets made from hollow cacti with long vicious needles, particularly at the ends of the fingers. In its right hand it carried a shield made from the cap of a giant acorn, and in its left it carried an enormous pine needle with corrugated edges.

It slammed its pine needle sword against its acorn cap shield with a hollow trunk thunk, and it yelled, "RE-E-E-E-E-ED!"

"You want Red?" Superkid yelled. "Well, he's just right there!" and he flung his finger toward the wicked doctor.

Red's eyes flew open. The battle telephone pole looked up to where our hero was pointing, gave a start, roared out, "RE-E-E-E-E-E-ED!" and charged forward. Everyone scattered out of its way as it passed. On its way, it stepped on the webbing the gargantuan crawler was still trailing. It was yanked out of the spider's end as it was still running, causing it to leap with a yelp of pain. The web plopped to the ground, which Doctor Rowenna E. Doublin picked up and began unraveling for better manageability.

Meanwhile, the warrior telephone pole charged for Red at the shack, who panicked and ducked back inside before he realized his mistake. But it was too late, for the warrior stopped at the shack, drew back its pine needle sword, and then slashed it through the top half of the shack. The top half crashed to the ground, exposing the interior where the diabolical medical professional was cowering. He gave a squeak of fright when he saw he'd been found and brought out his odd gun. The warrior drew back its sword with the intention of slicing the doctor. But he managed to fire his gun where a tangerine flash appeared through the air and tacked itself to the telephone pole's elbow. The telephone pole, not knowing what it had been hit with, swung its arm only to find its lower arm tacked in place. Its upper arm swung down and the plant-themed sword spun from its grip to the ground where it plopped into the sand.

Doctor Red looked down at his weapon with gratitude. He couldn't believe it had stopped the thing's attack.

The thing roared in frustration. Then, with a splintering crack, it wrenched its arm from the tangerine midair tack and reached down for the really evil doctor.

He fired again, tacking its jagged middle finger in place. Then he fired at various other parts of the telephone pole's body, aiming strategically for optimal immobilization. Of course, he knew that "optimal immobilization" meant he only had a few seconds, so immediately after he was done, he dashed forward, skirted nervously around the plant warrior, and sprinted towards the copse of scraggly trees on the pond's left side where he had hidden his skeleton-like vehicle. He leaped into the driver's seat, his weapon taking shotgun. He fumbled with his keys until he managed to insert it into the ignition and twist it. He then jerked the shift into drive and slammed on the gas. It was a slow start, what with all the sand being sprayed by his tires, but at last his vehicle built enough traction to zoom forward. He sprayed the telephone pole with sand in passing just as it wrenched its leg free from the tangerine tack. He zoomed into the entrenched road that the warrior had conveniently widened. Then at last he emerged onto the asphalt and was zooming away to safety...

"So, you taking us to this giant Venus flytrap?" said a voice behind him.

He slammed the horn, which on this oddly shaped vehicle acted as the brake, sending them into a skid. He soon regained his senses and they were back to cruising as fast as possible. He turned to look in the rear and roared, "What are you all doing in my car?!"

"We need you to take us to this Vena," answered Black Belt, hopping into the front. She flinched, removed the clunky weapon from under her, and slid it under the seat.

Doctor Red glanced in the rearview mirror where the roaring telephone pole was visible. He ignored the squeals of the other plants monsters joining the pursuit and the thuds of the foolish fiends that thought they could intimidate him into braking for them. "And if I refuse?"

"We'll toss you out to these creatures that want you so desperately," she replied, coiling her whip threateningly.

"I'm not convinced." The bad doctor jerked the wheel into a new street, nearly taking out a mailbox that had somehow been jammed through the handlebars of a bicycle--the pole that had been holding it had decided to ditch the cold inanimate metal. "Either way, I'll be going to my death. I have a better chance of taking on you than an unlimited number of Vena's underlings."

"You may not think so when I'm through with you." Black Belt got to her feet, allowing her whip to uncoil like a temperamental snake. Red could not help but be impressed with her ability to balance herself upright in a speeding and wildly-moving vehicle.

The doctor was a tough nut to crack, but as they say, "Soft words win hard hearts." And who else to do this than the evil doctor's counterpart, the good doctor, Rowenna E. Doublin.

"Please, you must understand that we need you. We're all in this together. I understand that you feel that the world is against you, but I'm certain that if we all work together then we can stop this nightmare. Then you won't have to run anymore. You won't have to fear anymore. We'll be behind you to help confront this. You'll have our support. Together we can do..."

"All right, all right! I'll take you there! Just don't expect me to bond with any of you. My intentions are purely selfish and if I feel I'm in danger then first and foremost my decisions will be to save my own skin. Everyone got that?" He swept a stern glare over all of his passengers. Superkid nodded and retorted, "Why should we expect anything less from you?" Darrin nodded solemnly. Derrick gulped and avoided his glare. Black Belt got down from her stance, settled into her seat and replied, "Glad to see you've decided to cooperate." Doctor Rowenna E. Doublin beamed and said, "I'm so glad to see you've decided to confront your fear. This is the first step!"

Dr. Red groaned to himself, "I must be a fool listening to these fools. This may soon become my hearse." And with this dire prediction for the upcoming final confrontation with his monstrous creation, he turned the skeletal vehicle to the east where Vena awaited... the mother of all mutants... the harbinger of the end... the final boss...

All right, all right! I'm going, I'm going! I was only trying to impress on you just how epic this was! Where's your sense of adventure?

Chapter 10: The Mother of All Mutants

As can be expected, the journey to the lair of the ultimate monster was not a walk in the park. More appropriately, though still an understatement, it was a madcap dash through a minefield with giant swinging blades, jets of fire, and a giant rolling boulder. In their macabre race to ultimate doom, they dodged deadly darts, sidestepped sinuous snatchers, and bypassed beleaguered beasts. Dr. Red was jerking the wheel all over the place, his neck so thick and gnarly it seemed he was going to tense himself into a tree. The karate woman was tense as well, but she had her body as relaxed as though she was sunbathing at the beach... not a bad picture there. Doctor Red, once again, had to admire her for her cool and collected demeanor.

From the back, Superkid yelled, "How much further?"

The diabolical doctor couldn't admire Superkid's cool and collected demeanor if he tried. It so irked him that the upstart little super punk had to act in control even when his life was in the doctor's hands. He roared with as much venom as he could, "We should be there in five minutes or less! Provided the traffic isn't bad!"

But of course traffic was. As they got closer and closer to their destination, the number in Vena's legions got larger and larger--and the members of the legions themselves. It was no longer an option to bash the wicked vegetation as they had been doing previously, which had entangled the plants in the vehicle's radiator, quickly making it look like an overly dressed float in the Christmas parade. With the mutant plants becoming larger and larger, they were forced to make detours to avoid collisions.

Suddenly, a tree crashed onto the road as though it intended to end their frantic dash for survival, which as a matter of fact was _exactly_ its intentions. But the evil doctor was not about to lose the record for surviving the longest in a 180 mph dash. He slammed the horn-brake and spun the wheel, sending the vehicle into a drift and leaving dark tire marks in the asphalt. Right when the bumper was about to slam into the malicious tree, he stomped on the gas, giving the tree something like a friendly hip bump before peeling out of there.

"That was close!" Derrick wheezed. The near miss had knocked the breath out of him. He was still recovering from the chunk ripped from his chest. The good doctor had succeeded in using the spider's web to patch it up.

"We're not out of this yet," Dr. Red told Derrick grimly. "In fact, we're headed deeper into it."

"And whose idea was it again?" Derrick flicked his eyes accusingly at each of the passengers.

"If you had a better idea..." Superkid began irritably.

Before things could get tense between our hero and his friend, Dr. Rowenna E. Doublin cried, "Oh my goodness! Look!"

Everyone obediently looked forward.

"No, I mean, look above us!"

So they did. They couldn't discern much since their vehicle was rushing so fast--just a bunch of tan blurs. But after a few times of flinging their vision ahead and following the target as it passed overhead, they discovered what had horrified the psychiatrist.

"They're the Poolingtonians!" Derrick cried.

"In cages," Darrin added.

If we were to get to a higher and stationary vantage point, we would see that this was exactly what they were looking at. And because I am so much more eloquent in my descriptions than most of the characters in that vehicle--with the exception of Doctor Rowenna E. Doublin, Doctor Red, and Black Belt... and maybe Superkid... which makes up most of the party, which, I guess, means I'm only more eloquent than two characters...

Just forget what I said. I'll just tell you what the townsfolk were doing in cages suspended in the air.

Remember everyone who had all been under attack by their plants coming to life? Well, this is what happened to them when the plants got them: they were put in tumbleweed cages, which were suspended above the streets by thick, woody vines that supported themselves over the rooftops of the buildings. Needless to say, it was a life-changing experience for them. Families huddled together in those cages, terrified and wondering what would become of them. At least, that was the case for most families. There were other families who found the pressures of survival too much and turned on each other like wild animals. There were couples too: some who had bitterly broken apart found themselves in the same boat--metaphorically--had their bonds renewed by this metaphorical boat, and eventually fell back in love; and some couples found that their true love was a complete and selfish jerk who was only in it for their own self-seeking interests.

There were long-lost brothers reunited, rebellious teenagers who learned that they could rely on their parents' wisdom, and even an old reclusive man who reached an epiphany.

While humanitarians might want to explore the stories that were ripening in these cages, we're going to focus our interests on the shallower aspects of this setting--the one where good and evil were banded together--purely out of circumstance--to combat the threat of floral invasion for the good of the entire world.

Dr. Rowenna--being a humanitarian herself--cried woefully, "Oh, those poor people. They must be terrified out of their wits!"

The vehicle's passengers were suddenly terrified out of _their_ wits when the asphalt exploded and a row of thorns the size of medieval pikes emerged, pointing straight at them!

Every one of them screamed--except Superkid, of course. He popped his cape's hose into his mouth, grabbed Derrick, Darrin, and Doctor Rowenna by the collar and puffed as hard as he could. Black Belt reflexively jumped to her feet, preparing to leap from the doomed vehicle. Dr. Red, who had neither Superkid's airlifting abilities nor Black Belt's reflexes and maneuverability, could only slam the horn-brake and pray for a miracle.

The thorns arced down, punching through the engine and immediately halting the vehicle. Superkid, having blown his balloon to full capacity, went flying into the air with his three passengers in tow. Black Belt also went flying, having launched herself on impact. Dr. Red was left to pitch forward onto his steering wheel with a nasty crack to his nose. His nose began to bleed and a shiny purple lump started to grow on his forehead. He wasn't wasting time bawling about his injuries, however. He immediately fumbled with the car door as enormously thick vines emerged from the crater and shot towards him.

"AAAAAAAAAARGH!"

Meanwhile, Superkid and his friends--and the psychiatrist--had flown safely past the pikes but were now sinking.

Derrick screamed, "Go up!"

"Can't..." Superkid grunted. "Balloon is--grunt--full... there's just--grunt--too much weight!"

"It's me, isn't it?" said Dr. Rowenna. "I'm jeopardizing the mission with my weight. Perhaps you should drop me and at least save yourselves."

"No!" Derrick wheezed. "I'm the one bringing us down. I've been putting on a little weight since second grade," which was a silly point to make, but the psychiatrist had saved his life and now seemed a good time to repay the favor, so he said, "Drop me instead, just... don't forget me..."

"But you're young," the young doctor protested. "You've yet to live your life! So many opportunities are open to you! It would be a shame to waste them all!"

"But you're too beautiful to die!" Derrick cried.

There was a brief moment of silence. Then Dr. Rowenna E. Doublin whispered in a stunned voice, "You really think I'm beautiful?"

Derrick shook his head, a bit stunned himself. "Ever since you saved me... well... see, no one else but you really cared when I got hurt..."

Superkid had had enough of the little soap opera going on beneath him, so to solve their problem of who was going to be sacrificed for whom, he dropped them both.

"Aaa--oof!" The landing had been surprisingly soft and squishy--not to mention the fall hadn't even been that long. Derrick and Dr. Rowenna blinked bewilderedly into each other's eyes until Superkid and Darrin landed next to them with a squish.

"You two better get up," Superkid told them. "This is some dangerous territory we're in."

The streets were almost entirely covered in plant material. Enormous roots the size of Roman columns periodically breached the fragmented surface and branched into adjacent streets. The buildings were thick with leaves the size of queen-sized mattresses--which were on sale at Fluff'd Goose for 39% off. What little sunlight there was filtered through all the hanging cages that creaked gently in the breeze. This place definitely had an ominous feel to it. A "welcome to your doom" sort of air.

Darrin gulped. "This is kind of creepy. I feel like I'm being watched." He turned, glancing around in paranoia. "Where are they all?"

"Could be a trap," Derrick suggested as he graciously helped the psychiatrist to her feet.

"Possibly," agreed the superhero, surprising Derrick. "But if that's the case, shouldn't the trap have sprung by now?"

If there had been a trap to spring, Superkid's provocative statement would have sprung it. With this unexpected break from predictable irony, his question went unanswered.

"I guess we should get moving," he said at last.

"But which way?" Derrick cried. "Are you saying we should try to get out of here and find safety or go find Vena who will probably eat us?"

Before our hero could so much as give Derrick an exasperated look, Dr. Rowenna E. Doublin cried, "What's happened to Jennifer? And that other doctor?"

"I'm sure they're fine," Superkid replied, starting to climb over a beached root.

"After that horrible crash? You don't suppose those oddly developed plants have captured them, do you?"

"If that's the case," Superkid told her with a grim smile, "we'll have to rescue them."

When the vehicle had been speared to a halt, Black Belt had pushed herself off, launching right over the barricade. She curled herself just before her landing and rolled into an alleyway. She sprang to her feet to find herself facing a mass of moss about as big as a car but much lower to the ground with four bricks at its corners acting as legs. It stomped these legs in challenge and let out a half hiss half gurgle, "Re-e-e-e-e-e-ed."

A snap of her whip pulled out one of its legs from under it and sent it to the ground with a plop. As it struggled to its legs, Black Belt used the whip to yank out an old television set from the dumpster the moss monster was next to. The TV landed on it with a "squelch," spraying a good deal of its body all over the vine-covered walls. The four legs of moss still attached to the bricks lifted into the air and squealed angrily.

The walls suddenly came to life with bubbling sounds. Bricks began falling from the walls, clunking on the ground and clanging on the dumpster as moss of every color--green, black, blue, white, and dirty yellow--seeped out of the walls and flowed toward the legs.

A sight like this would fascinate most people and make them forget that it would not be good if the monster finished preparing itself and went after them. Then again, in most cases the monster would politely remind them to run once it was finished to counterbalance their destructive instincts. But Black Belt was not most people. She was highly skilled in combat situations, which included knowing when a foe is too tough--which was rarely the case for her--and thus was already gone before the additional moss formed with the legs. When the moss had formed itself into a massive blob--the bricks were forgotten somewhere in its center--it surged forward in pursuit of the intruder.

As for Doctor Red, Vena's target, he was running as fast as he could through the vine-riddled streets, firing at any plant that attempted to pursue him.

His Midair Tacker--henceforth MAT--is what had saved him from capture back at his wrecked vehicle. He had used it to tack the vines before they had reached him, their bodies slinging forward as though from a swing. He had tried to run back but that was when row upon row of spikes popped up to cut him off from his escape. His only alternative was deeper into the nest toward Vena. He realized that this was where Vena wanted him to go, but panic was preventing him from countering this, for mutant plants emerged from alternate routes, driving him down the path leading to their master. And since MAT tacked them in place, blocking any possible exit, using it didn't help Red much.

Deeper and deeper he ran where the foliage grew thicker and thicker and the air became darker and darker. He was getting close to the root of all this--quite literally--where awaited his destiny. There he would confront this menace... meet with his past... reach a turning point... make the decision that would affect the future of all of the earth for better or worse...

Destiny has a strange sense of humor sometimes.

Superkid, Darrin, Derrick, and Doctor Rowenna E. Doublin had run into the trap they were all so worried about and were now running for their lives A group of pumpkin heads, as well as giant dandelions, a swarm of flying nuts, cactus men, tree ghouls, and a troop of long-tongued tulips charged after them, screaming, "Re-e-e-ed! Re-e-e-e-ed! Re-e-e-e-ed!"

Suddenly, the psychiatrist tripped. When the three kids stopped to go back and help her, she screamed, "Go without me! I'll be fine!"

Unexpectedly, for the kids had not reached her yet, she was yanked to her feet when Black Belt swooped down, grabbed her wrist, and ran with her, all without stopping.

"Jennifer!" Dr. Rowenna exclaimed with joy. "You're all right!"

She gave no reply but continued dragging her psychiatrist along her breakneck pace.

The evil Dr. Red leaped over large loops of giant roots like he was in a demented environmentalist's version of the hurdles, stumbling more than once, only to get right back up again and keep running--

\--Black Belt snapped her whip at mutants that got too close as she dragged Doctor Rowenna along--

\--Superkid performed amazing midair kicks to clear their path as he and his friends continued their sprint--

\--Doctor Red fought desperately for breath as he tried to maintain focus on the light at the end of the plant-constructed tunnel--

\--Derrick began to stumble, feeling weak, out of breath--

\--Black Belt whipped Dr. Doublin into her arms and sprinted for all she was worth--

\--the leaves seemed to be closing in on Red as he ran faster for the light--

\--the howling of the plant beasts was building, but Black Belt was quickly catching up to the three kids--

\--Derrick suddenly tripped and stumbled forward, wheeling his arms in frantic circles--

\--Dr. Red, so close to the light of freedom, shot himself faster--

\--Black Belt caught up and tried to pass around the kids--

\--Derrick caught the hem of her blouse as he fell--

\--Superkid tripped over Derrick's flying leg--

\--Darrin veered away to avoid the accident but tripped over his untied shoelace--

\--the mad scientist leaped through the shrinking hole--

\--and they all crashed into each other and fell in a jumbled heap.

The evil doctor, Red, scrambled desperately to get to his feet but something was pressing down on top of him. "Aaaaaaaaargh!" he growled.

"Sorry," Doctor Rowenna E. Doublin gasped. "But I can't get up--cough!--something's on me..."

"That's me," responded Black Belt unapologetically. "I'd be able to get off you if there wasn't someone on my back."

"I'm trying," said Superkid, "but my leg is caught."

"My arm," Derrick whimpered. "It feels like it's going to break..."

Darrin, the only one to avoid the collision, pushed himself off the thick ivy, which came off his shirt and pants with a sound like Velcro. He hurried over to the entangled ball of villains, hero, and friends and helped to untangle them all. Superkid was the first one up, the first one to look up, and the first one whose jaw opened up.

Black Belt was next. She spotted Superkid's odd position and looked to see what was going on. Her mouth didn't fall open--a shame since she had such beautiful teeth--but her eyes did widen and she began coiling her whip.

Then the good doctor stood up. She glanced up with them and then gasped, "Oh my word!"

Derrick struggled to his feet. He gaped when he looked up and nearly fell backward into a knot of giant leaves.

Darrin tried to help the evil doctor up, but he refused his hand. So Darrin turned, saw them looking, looked himself, and then gasped, "Holy cow!"

The diabolical Doctor Red was the last to get up. He was about to run but when he spotted all five of his companions--for want of a better word--in the same position--and looking stupid, in his opinion--he couldn't help but look to see what had caught their tongue. Then he joined them in their dumbfounded staring and squeaked, "Vena!"

That's right. They were staring at the source of the mayhem--the mother of all mutants--the mutated _Dionaea muscipula_ \--Vena. And she was staring back at them.

She had a strangely curious look on her enormous face as though they were unexpected guests to a tea party. Very strange since she had absolutely no facial features to speak of other than a giant toothy mouth. But when Dr. Red squeaked out her name, she turned.

None of them had time to react. Vena just suddenly slammed her hands on the ground, cracking the asphalt and knocking everyone to the ground with the tremors. She reared back her head and shrieked, "RE-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-ED!" It was such a tremendous sound--nearly head-splitting in volume. Then, before any of them could recover, she snatched the diabolical doctor and heaved him screaming into the air.

"Oh no!" Dr. Rowenna E. Doublin screamed. "Someone save him! She's got him! She's got him!"

Superkid immediately puffed up his balloon and lifted into the air. Black Belt sprang forward, using the thick roots and the eaves of the ruined abandoned post office to catapult herself up the body of the mutant plant.

Their efforts were immediately thwarted. Thick but stubby vines popped out of the giant flytrap's body and swatted the karate woman down, and Vena's main hand slapped Superkid away from her like he was a fly... you know, because he was so small and pitiful. We'll ignore the fact that she eats flies for the sake of the simile. In any case, this showed that they were no match for her. She was simply too big and too dexterous.

"How are we going to beat that thing?" Derrick cried.

"We'll need a miracle," Darrin said grimly, watching Dr. Rowenna help Black Belt unsteadily to her feet. The martial artist had slammed her body several times as she had fallen from Vena's body and she looked shaky.

Without the two biggest nuisances in her way, Vena could now devote her full attention to her prize: the nefarious Dr. Red. She screamed his name again, the sound waves peeling all loose articles back, including his cheeks. The smell of her breath was like decomposing animal but Red wasn't about to tell her that; after all, it's never a good idea to insult a woman.

"RE-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-ED!"

The man in question trembled in her hand, his arms clamped firmly to his side, making his weapon useless. He waited for her wrath to fall upon him like thunderbolts from heaven... or a giant tanker. She was a lot bigger than he remembered; she could easily have swallowed him whole without him even touching her throat! But she simply held him there as though waiting for his response.

Derrick turned on the spot as he gazed up at the scene happening above them. "What's going on? Did Doctor Red get eaten yet?"

"Yeah, what's going on?" Superkid groaned as he limped to the group's side. When Vena had swatted him, he had sailed headfirst into giant mutant pine tree. It had taken him a while to wrestle it into submission and he certainly hadn't walked away without any scars. Remind me to tell you about it later.

In the meantime, Vena watched the mad scientist for a while longer before she hissed again, "Rrre-e-e-e-ed." Then she waited.

Red had been petrified at the thought of meeting his end. He still had so much malice to unleash on the world--so much misery and chaos to spread--so many people to wrong. Even while in the grips of Vena, he hadn't wanted to at least have a quick and painless death. He wanted to live! And he had prayed for some miracle that would spare him--some hand of fate to swoop down and intervene on his behalf. And as the seconds stretched without Vena making any move to snuff out his life... he began to hope.

"...Vena?"

Vena's other hand came up to grip him. A new wave of terror rushed through his body as he thought she was going to squeeze him until he popped like a pimple. Then his terror was drowned in a tide of astonishment when she brought him closer, turned her head to the side, and began rubbing her head against him! On top of that, a deep, rumbling sound emerged from her throat--or stem, if you prefer--that vibrated throughout the entire town. It sounded very suspiciously like a purr. Vena was purring!

"Oh my goodness!" Doctor Rowenna E. Doublin became overwhelmed with tears.

"I don't believe it." Superkid shook his head.

Derrick held up his finger to ask a question. "So wait, so the reason all the plants came to life--the reason we were being chased all over the place--the reason we were attacked by ugly trees, dandelions, and that telephone pole was because this thing wanted to be Doctor Red's friend... because it missed him?"

"I guess so," Darrin replied. "Which means, I guess, it's all over now! Our lives can go back to normal! All he has to do is tell this thing to put all the plants back to normal and bingo! Happily ever after!"

Superkid nodded thoughtfully. "Huh. I guess you're right. Maybe the answer _is_ that cheesy--er--easy."

And so it seemed. Once Dr. Red realized that Vena wasn't going to eat him, he became chagrined and apologized for abandoning her. "How could you eat me, huh? After all that I did for you. I guess I just panicked and wasn't thinking straight." He climbed onto her head and kissed her fondly. "But now that we've straightened out this misunderstanding, I'm going to take good care of you, yes I will!" He rubbed her head and she purred louder than before.

The good doctor smiled happily though she still had tears in her eyes. "I just love happy endings. Now let's get everyone down so we can all have happy endings." She squeezed Black Belt's shoulder, who grunted painfully in return.

So Derrick yelled up to the doctor on the enormous _Dionaea muscipula_ 's head, "Hey Doctor! Tell your plant to let everyone go!"

Dr. Red, startled out of his fondling, peered curiously down.

"Come on! Tell it to let everyone go so we can go home!"

But the wicked doctor's brain was now busy cogitating. They wanted him to tell Vena to let the townsfolk go. He had the power to tell Vena to let everyone go. But if he had that power then he also had the power to tell Vena to not let anyone go! But his power stretched far beyond that... oh yes, considering everything Vena had done in her search for him, she possessed an incredible amount of power... and if he controlled her, he controlled that power...

"Hey doc! Are you listening?"

He smiled diabolically. "Every word! Although, you're a little hard to hear from up here. Bring them up, Vena!"

She obediently snatched them up. Derrick gasped, "Hey! Be careful with me!" They were raised to Vena's eye level--or at least, the level where her eyes would be if she had them--where Dr. Red could look down at them. Superkid looked up at him and noticed the mad doctor was in a familiar stance: his legs apart, one foot in front of the other, and his hands clasped together and rubbing slowly against each other. This could only mean one thing: he had an evil plan cooking in that twisted brain of his. The fact that the sun behind him enhanced his imposing figure only increased our hero's sense of foreboding.

The evil Doctor Red grinned at the three of them clenched in Vena's vine fist. He declared, "Ah, that's better! I want to thank you boys. You really helped me. If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't have made it up with Vena. I'm in your debt." He chuckled, "Funny thing is I hate being in debt. But that's easily fixed."

"You've got money?" Derrick asked. Darrin and Superkid though had a feeling they knew what the solution was. And it wasn't money.

It wasn't. The malicious man with the esteemed title replied, "There's no need to pay back the debt if you're not around to be paid." Laughing at the look of horror on Derrick's face, he commanded, "Vena, DINNER TIME!"

Vena obliged, throwing her mouth open wide like those puppets with the huge mouths, nearly throwing Dr. Red off. He managed to grab her trichomes before he fell. But Superkid and his friends weren't so lucky. They were tossed into Vena's cavernous mouth, Derrick screaming and Darrin yelling. Then she clamped her mouth shut--Red was almost catapulted off her head--and swallowed.

Down on the ground, Doctor Rowenna E. Doublin gasped and then screamed, "YOU MONSTER!"

Her only reply was a malicious laugh that echoed throughout the town of Poolington.

Chapter 11: Vena's Indigestion

"What do you plan to do with us?" Doctor Rowenna E. Doublin asked in a hard voice. She and her patient had just been snatched up by Vena and then placed in a tumbleweed cage that had been rolled in and strung up next to Vena specially for them.

Dr. Red shrugged in answer to her question. "Haven't decided yet." He had only just been granted this amazing power; it wasn't as if he'd prepared his whole life for this... unlike some villains. As a matter of fact, he wasn't quite sure what he was going to do with the world once he was in control of it. Hire the world's leading scientists to build all of his machines for him? Indulge himself in the finest of the world's finery? Rule it according to his most outrageous and whimsical desires? He wasn't sure but he certainly wasn't going to find out by simply sitting there, so with a dramatic, "Grow, Vena, GROW!" he set in motion the scheme to overrun the world with an army of mutant plants.

Vena's roots surged through the ground at a tremendous rate. They paused before un-mutated roots, plugged themselves in, and then kept going. The radius of mutant plans began to spread. From above it appeared that nature had just gone nuclear and dropped a vegetable bomb that blew outward in clouds of green and upward in the shape of a mushroom--in keeping with the plant theme... wait, mushrooms are fungi not plants! Bah, that totally ruins the metaphor. The metaphorical plant-themed nuclear blast was quickly annihilating the town of Poolington and beyond. The nearest town, Sothton, was soon being overrun by the mutant menace that was spreading like weeds--having been mutated by the plant-themed nuclear radiation... you know, just trying to make this work.

If Vena wasn't stopped soon then all hope for humanity was going to be lost. Someone had to challenge the diabolical doctor controlling her and end the nightmare. Unfortunately, the good doctor wasn't in any mood to perform any therapy on him and Black Belt's back was still tender, which she was trying to fix by stretching slowly as she breathed deeply. Everyone else was stuck in a bramble cage and the only other heroes who could have stopped this disaster was somewhere in the belly of the beast.

But can we hope that Superkid could still pop out of the giant mutated Venus flytrap and save the day? Was there some chance--some whim of fate--something convenient that would ensure Superkid would reappear heroically?

The answers to those questions, my friends, lie deep within... within Vena's belly, that is.

As you might imagine, it was dark inside. As you might conceive through your wild imagination, due to the various literature and cinema you may have read and seen, was a flickering light. When Superkid blinked the grime from his eyes, he discovered the flickering light was a fire... a campfire.

Of course, campfires don't just spontaneously appear inside monsters' guts and he spotted the likely makers of the fire almost immediately. They were two people on a large raft that was outfitted like a house with a large bureau in the far corner and a bed next to it. One of the people was an old, white-haired man with an impressive mustache and dressed in brown coveralls and cracked leather shoes. The other was a young boy with a feathered cap, garish coveralls and cracked leather shoes. The boy had his back to him.

The old man looked over to Superkid and his friends, who were getting to their feet with groans, and he said in a thick Italian accent, "Best to get out of the acid, my boys, it'll eat you real quick. Come, we are safe here under this tent."

Darrin and Derrick hastily splashed out of the acid. Superkid realized his hands were beginning to burn and joined them onto the wooden raft. As he did, the boy turned.

"Looks like it's already too late," he said, his accent not quite so thick. Then he added with a horsey grin, "Or were you born that ugly?"

Derrick wasn't going to take that lightly. "At least I don't have a coat hanger for a nose!"

"Pinno, that wasn't very nice," the old man scolded and Derrick snickered at the name. "Now get some water so these boys can wash off the acid."

"But Papa, we're almost out!" cried Pinno.

"Then tap more from the wall," the old man commanded sternly.

Pinno grumbled as he took a pail, which was a quarter full of water, to the fleshy green wall. He picked up what appeared to be a metal straw and stabbed it angrily into the wall. Then he twisted it until green pulp began oozing out into the pail.

Pinno's papa watched him working. He called out, "Make sure it fills the pail. And hurry, they still are being eaten by the acid!"

Indeed the three of them could feel their skins burning. Their hands developed red rashes while white blisters oozed into existence. Superkid and Darrin were resisting every urge to scratch, but Derrick was obliviously scratching away. Even when Darrin noticed and told him not to scratch, Derrick rolled his eyes and said, "Can't hear you. What? My itch is too loud!" and continued to scratch.

After what seemed like hours in which their skin burned worse and worse--blisters swelling until they popped and oozed pus--Pinno had ground the pulp into a half bucket of water. He sneered at them as he handed them the bucket. They ignored him as they took it gratefully. It was fortunate that their clothes prevented most of the acid from reaching their skin though they were now removed and waiting to be washed. The three friends barely cared there was a little pulp in the water as they splashed it on their faces, arms, and all the other spots the acid had reached. Soon their rash had receded into a minor itching. Pinno took the pail back from them with a jerk and went back to the wall to refill it.

The old man watched his son. He said to them, "He is a difficult boy. Very naughty and very rude. But he is a good boy at heart."

"It was nice of him to lend us his clothes," said Darrin politely, unobtrusively adjusting the collar.

" _Nice_?" Derrick choked. "Did you see the way he looked at us? I'm telling you he's gonna kill us in our sleep!"

Superkid shook his head with a weary sigh. Darrin cleared his throat loudly and then said in an abrupt change of topic, "So, uh, how long have you two been down here?"

"Days...?" The old man shrugged. "It is hard to know in here."

"We need to get out of here," our hero said decidedly, glancing about. "Doctor Red is going to use Vena to take over the world and if we don't stop him..."

"But how are you going to stop this big monster?" Derrick cried. "It's too big to defeat! And it's got a whole army! You can't beat them all!"

"I'm thinking that if we can somehow take down Vena, they'll all go down." Superkid was still looking around for an idea.

Darrin stared thoughtfully into the fire. "Can we burn her?"

The fearless kid wheeled on him, his face alight, but the old man shook his head. "No. We tried already. She is just too damp."

Not a very heartening revelation, but our hero wasn't about to give up just yet. "Maybe while we're in here, we could see if this thing has a heart or some vital organ that we can..."

"Nope. Plants don't have hearts or stomachs or things like that," said Pinno, coming back with a bucket full of pulp. He beamed proudly and explained, "I learned it in school."

"Plants don't have stomachs?" Derrick said bewilderedly. "Then what are we in?"

"Venus flytraps usually digest their prey in their mouths," Superkid informed him.

"How are we going to find its weakness?" Darrin asked.

"We should just try to get out of here," said Derrick.

The old man shook his head. "There is no way out. Acid everywhere will eat your skin like that!" He shook a fist in the air. "No digging out either. When me and my boy try digging the walls--they just grow back!"

Superkid nodded. Then he answered the old, Italian man, "There is another way: up."

"What?! You mean fly?!"

"No... wait, actually, yeah, I do mean fly." He looked up at the canopy.

"You mean to grow feathers and flap like a bird?"

Darrin saw what Superkid was looking at and knew what his superhero friend was thinking. He explained to the old man, "You see, he can fill up balloons with hot air to make them float. And this raft has that up there that could be like a giant hot-air balloon."

The old man's eyes widened. "Like a balloon?"

Pinno bounced excitedly. "You can turn this into a hot-air balloon?"

Superkid answered, "We'll soon find out." He nodded to the posts where the canopy was tethered. "We need to make sure they're tied good enough."

"I'll check!" the little, Italian boy offered excitedly and he scurried up the posts like a little chipmunk, checking each tether. The three boys stared a little dumbfounded at him, quite awed that although he was annoying, he was a heck of a climber. When he finished, scampering back to the fearless kid with a very eager look on his face like a chipmunk that's spotted a nut, Superkid stared stupidly for a second or two then shook himself and said, "All right, get rid of any unnecessary weight. I'm going to try to get us out of here." And with that he began puffing into the air, taking great gulping breaths after each puff.

Darrin clapped his hands, capturing everyone's attention. "All right, you heard the man. Any unnecessary weight goes off! Like that dresser over there and that bed..."

Pinno immediately scampered to obey while Derrick followed behind with a grumble. The old man, however, stared wide-eyed until he finally stuttered, "You serious? You want me to get rid of my possessions?"

"It will make this lighter," Darrin explained as he began tossing wood from the pile meant to be fuel for the campfire. They splashed into the acid, bubbling unappetizingly.

"Lighter? But why? I-i-it's floating just fine"

"Every little pound counts."

"You mean you think your friend can actually make this fly like a balloon?" He glanced doubtfully at the young superhero alternatively puffing up his cheeks and then blowing noisily into the open air.

"It's our best chance," Darrin replied. "And look! It's working!"

The canopy was beginning to ripple like it was caught in a breeze. But the old man huffed disgustedly, "That is just my campfire making heat to make the tent move like that."

Our youthful vigilante continued to blow. At first, it seemed the old, Italian man was right, for twenty minutes passed without any change in the rippling of the canopy. But eventually the center of the canopy began to lift.

"It's working!" Pinno cried excitedly, clapping his hands and bouncing.

Slowly but surely the canopy filled with hot air, ballooning into a--uh--well, balloon. And then slowly but surely the balloon began to lift. The first instance was kind of rocky--the raft swayed back and forth in the acid, clunking into the tossed furniture, which made the old man wince a few times, until it suddenly popped loose like a cork, throwing its passengers to the floor. Superkid got right back up and continued puffing, getting the balloon to rise faster.

And so it seemed that they had discovered a way to escape the monstrous plant's belly. Soon they would enter Vena's mouth and then fly outside to freedom. Ah, but fate still had a few tricks up its sleeve, and this particular trick was to make Vena hungry.

You see, Vena couldn't spread her roots without sustenance. This is why she had a pen full of deer behind her. Using her back arm--meaning an arm she had grown out of her back--she snatched up a handful of deer, which startled them into bellowing, brought them to her mouth, and tossed them inside like pretzel snacks.

And these pretzel snacks came raining down on Superkid and his crew, most tumbling past and bellowing like tortured souls in the river Styx, but a few hit the balloon, causing it to rock violently.

"Steady!" Superkid cried as everyone grabbed the poles to keep from flying off. "We can't let this craft take any more hits!"

"But they're not coming down anymore," Darrin pointed out, tentatively letting go of his pole.

Oh, but they were. It was only a break in the feeding. As Vena was spreading her roots, she was growing bigger, and like a hungry, hungry teenager going through a growth spurt, Vena needed more food desperately, so she snatched more bleating livestock and shoved them greedily into her mouth. Thus the crew was being bombarded again, the craft rocking from the attack.

"We can't let them tear this balloon!" Superkid yelled. "We need to steer our way through this!"

"How?"

"Try tilting those poles."

So they brought the poles in. The balloon rose faster, almost hitting a buck's antlers as it fell.

"Try tilting it this way." Our young captain made large, sweeping motions so that they could see what he was doing. They tilted the poles to one side. To Superkid's delight, the raft responded accordingly, drifting in the direction the poles were leaning towards.

"Try this way now." Superkid made big, sweeping motions in the other direction. They responded to his commands and their aircraft responded in kind.

"Now this way!"

They steered the craft in the indicated direction, but their balloon suddenly went "Woomph!" when a cervine missile made a direct hit. Fortunately, the collateral damage was minimal and the craft continued on its designated course.

Captain Superkid, nonetheless, told his crew, "We can't see where we're flying. I'm going to have to get up there and guide us safely through this."

"You mean you're going to climb on top of this balloon?" sputtered the old, Italian man. "You are a fool! The balloon will never hold you!"

"I'm not going to stand on top," Superkid answered, a little annoyed. "I'm going to float beside it." Behind him, a buck whooshed past with a horn-like bellow.

"And how will you accomplish that?" asked the ever-doubtful old geezer.

Rather than waste time pointlessly arguing, Superkid pulled off the shirt he borrowed from Pinno--his costume was still drying by the fire, which was still burning in the center of the craft--tied knots to seal the arm and neck holes--the neck hole was quite tricky since it took up nearly the whole top half of the shirt--and, puckering the bottom half of the shirt, blew it into a balloon, which carried him slowly into the air. As he rose, he came close to being beaned by one of the cervine missiles, but he managed to steer himself through the shower by swinging his body away from the intended direction. Soon he had a clear vantage point where he could see the path the large craft was taking and where the screaming deer were trying to intercept.

And one was headed straight for its stern--from where Superkid was as the craft didn't have any recognizable prow.

"Forward!"

The crew jerked the poles, sending the aircraft into a spin. They yelled in panic, jerking the poles to steady the craft but only causing it to drift chaotically. On the bright side, they dodged the buck's charge.

"Hold!"

The crew stopped their jerking and waited tensely for Superkid's next command as the craft continued to spin. Superkid spoke, "All right, let's get this straight: when I say, 'forward,' that means you come to my voice; when I say, 'back,' that means go away from my voice; 'right' means right of my voice, and 'left' means left of my voice--everyone got that?"

"AyyyYYYyyye AyyyYYYyyye!" cried the crew, which could either have been sailor for, "We understand," or landlubber for, "GET US OFF THIS THING!" Superkid took the sailor's interpretation and he yelled, "Left!"

The craft spun backwards, receiving a very close shave by a five-pointer.

"Forward!"

The craft spun to the right out of range of a heavy bombardment of three-pointers.

"In!"

The fearless captain had not explained this particular command but was surprised when the balloon elongated and shot upward through the legs of a flailing moose, just as he wanted.

"Good job!" he cheered.

But they weren't in the clear yet. In fact, it was getting more dangerous with the walls coming closer together. They were getting closer to Vena's mouth. Fortunately, there was a pause in the deer battery. The crew worried that any second humongous sharp horns would come pouring on top of them, with wailing deer attached, but Superkid urged them encouragingly, "Just a little further... just a little further... we're almost there..."

"Have you no decency? Can you not see the suffering of these people? Can you truly be such a monster that you will burden the rest of the world in this way? What has the world done to you that you would treat them this way? Would it really make you happy to..."

Doctor Red was getting annoyed with the other doctor trying to stir up his conscience. He entertained the thought of commanding Vena to swallow her so that she'd shut up. He glanced at her companion and decided she'd go with the psychiatrist. It was an unfortunate decision to make, but she was being quiet and he knew it was the quiet ones you needed to watch. Besides, he had seen what she could do.

But before he could initiate his decision, Vena began making odd sounds. The malicious medical professional looked curiously down at her. His curiosity became worry when he realized the sounds she was making were choking.

"Vena? Are you all right? You're not choking on one of those bucks, are you?" He had been impressed with the way she had been snatching handfuls of cervine and tossing them into her mouth like chips. This had made it dangerous for him to remain on top of her head, so she'd made a platform behind her for him to stand on so she could continue eating. She didn't seem to have any problems until she started choking. Red wondered if he should do something to help her, but considering her size it would be difficult for him to perform the Heimlich maneuver on her.

Then he noticed something else that was strange. From where he was, he could only see the back of her head, but he noticed Vena's head drawing back slowly as though some irresistible force was pushing it back. As it did, Vena's choking became dry retching.

Little by little, Vena's head was forced back. Red worried that Vena might be puking something really big, and his fears seemed to be confirmed when something large and white bubbled from her mouth, which was now open 180 degrees and aimed at the sky. But when the bubble grew and eventually rose from her mouth, he discovered the bubble was attached to four poles, which in turn were attached to a raft! And when he looked on the raft, somehow half expecting it but not at all pleased with it, he found the annoying kids that he had had Vena eat alive and well on the raft, including his nemesis, Superkid.

Their appearance was more warmly received by Doctor Rowenna E. Doublin, who almost literally cried, "You're alive?! Oh my goodness! The children are alive, Jennifer! Look! They're alive!"

The black belt villainess grumbled something while she tried to pry the branches apart behind her back.

Derrick spied the pretty, young Doctor Rowenna, waved to her, and yelled, "Hang on! Don't worry. We'll get you out!"

"Yes, you all go free those two," Superkid commanded. Then he turned to Dr. Red on his pedestal. "I will deal with him... the traitor," he added with venom.

"I told you I was going to," the evil doctor pointed out. "When you were convincing me to come back here, I told you."

Superkid blew up the outfit-shaped balloon and began swing-drifting his way toward the traitorous doctor. The traitorous doctor jabbed his finger at the loyal superhero and bellowed, "Vena! Seize him!"

Vena really didn't have the appetite for it, but she lunged for Supekid anyways. He swung his legs over the first fist and again over the second fist. Before she could swing her arms back for a second attempt, he let go of the balloon and dropped right on top of her head.

She threw her mouth wide open in surprise, which launched Superkid right at the evil and very surprised doctor, who had barely enough time to gasp.

Meanwhile, the rest of the crew had drifted to the cage. All together, they worked to pry the brambles apart to free the psychiatrist and the karate woman. Pinno, our surprising, little enterpriser with the funny name, took the end of a broken chair leg that was in the fire and brought it over to the cage. Derrick gasped and tried to grab the burning leg, which Pinno swung out of reach. "What are you doing? We're trying to free Doctor Rowenna and Black Belt, not burn them to death!"

"I'm not going to burn them," Pinno said. "See watch." He swung the torch back to the cage.

"Hey!"

Derrick was shocked though when the brambles spread apart at the approach of the torch like it was afraid of burning. He was only beginning to recover when Pinno reached into the cage and called to the pretty psychiatrist and Black Belt, "Come on!"

"Come on, Jennifer! They've come to rescue us! Come on!" And the good doctor towed her patient forward, who had an unpleasant scowl that warned everyone that she didn't like being rescued at all. Derrick really hoped that she would flip the long-nosed twerp over the raft, but all she did was give a huff when he said brightly, "We rescued you!"

"Now help me steer this!" the old, Italian man commanded. "There are more trapped in cages."

Suddenly, a gust of wind caught at their balloon and dragged them sharply away, tilting the raft at an alarming angle, which forced everyone to cling to the poles for dear life. But it seemed their dear lives were intended to be literally dashed to pieces, for they saw their craft was headed straight for the back of Vena's great head.

"Oh mercy!" the old man screamed.

Meanwhile, as Dr. Red and his nemesis tumbled to the ground after Superkid had launched into him like an obnoxiously grinning missile, the evil doctor had somehow tacked the hem of his lab coat in place, which flipped him over once and then caught him painfully by his underarms after a loud tearing sound. A large frayed hole appeared just under the orange dot where his coat was tacked in place. Superkid, meanwhile, fell past Red until he caught the cuffs of the diabolical doctor's jeans. The tear grew larger.

The evil medical professional kicked at our diminutive superhero with his other leg. "Getugh! --urgh!--get off me--you little peght! You're gough... to make us both fall!"

Superkid remained on his leg, grunting when Red's foot connected with his ribs. Doctor Red grunted as he worked his arm to point MAT at Superkid. The pain gripping his underarms made it difficult. It was even more difficult because the little pest was directly under him, which made it more likely he'd hit his own foot. He took the risk and fired. The only consequence that resulted from this risk though was that it hit one of Vena's many arms. So insignificant was this consequence when the arm simply ripped itself from the tack.

His coat ripped again, the hole growing even larger, which caused the both of them to drop a few inches. Panicked, Red tried to change tactic by directing MAT upward to tack his coat, but the last of the fibers ripped and they plummeted to the ground feet-first.

The two of them--and every reasonable reader like yourself--expected to feel the splat coming up at them from the bottom. But in the crazy world of Superkid, the splat came to them from the right. Now a reasonable reader like yourself would probably rationalize this and say, "Well, tumbling through the air would be disorienting and make it _seem_ like the splat came from the right," but remember, I said they were falling feet-first. And now the reasonable reader like yourself would probably have reached the limit of his or her suspension of disbelief and start questioning my sanity. Don't worry, I'm perfectly sane and there's a perfectly rational--as rational as you can get in the crazy world of Superkid--explanation for the splat coming from the right: Vena's arm came swinging in from the right and batted them. And I'll just bet you knew that. They sailed to the left before another arm swung in from the left. Then as they sailed to the right, another arm swung in from the right... and then from the left... then from the right... until they landed on the ground, thoroughly bruised and even more thoroughly dizzy. It will take a while for them to recover, so let's check the action with the paragliders.

"Oh mercy!" the old man had screamed.

This had brought Vena's attention to them. Her mouth had dropped open, which is where the balloon caught. The fabric was now stuck between her teeth. The crew below swung down like a pendulum and slammed into her neck. She gave a cat-like hiss and then ripped the balloon from her teeth and tossed it away. The poor paragliders, who had barely begun to recover, were back to screaming as they spiraled to the ground. After about three seconds--which seems like three hours when you're absolutely terrified out of your mind, Derrick says--they crashed to the ground. The impact sent them rolling in every direction. Pinno's rolling is of specific interest to us because he rolled eastward, which was toward the mother of all mutants. The reason this is interesting to us is not because he was going to meet an unpleasant end--as much as Derrick would have loved it--but rather he was going to find himself beneath the root of the problem... literally--as if you hadn't seen that coming!

When Vena had been searching for her adoptive father, she had spread out her bulk, which had strained the confines of the post office she was sheltered in like a teenager does to her clothes when she's having a growth spurt. The strains had caused openings to appear in the structure and in one of these is where Pinno rolled into.

His landing knocked the breath out of him. Then he got to his feet and saw something that took his breath away. Hit with this double whammy, it took him a while to recover his breath to gasp, "Wow."

He was staring at what looked like a pile of enormously thick and slimy ropes spread out all over the place and plunged into the walls. He almost lost his breath yet again when he saw them moving. Eventually, he realized they were the roots of the monster plant above!

He felt a thrill run though him at the realization that he was near the vulnerable point of the mutant flytrap. And the flytrap didn't even know it! He had a chance to do something to take down the monstrous plant! He could be a hero!

He was ready to rush headlong into the role, but ever-vigilant common sense took hold and asked him, "What do you think you're going to do--rip those roots apart with your bare hands?"

Pinno realized as he watched one of the roots slowly bunch itself that common sense was right, but then he noticed that behind the bunching root was a rack filled with chemicals of various colors and textures. Then he looked between two other roots and discovered more chemicals packed in boxes. He discovered more chemicals stacked on a rotating table. And as he continued to discover more and more chemicals here, there, and everywhere, he began to wonder if he was getting some sort of idea.

Then came something that frightened the idea away.

"Pinno! Pinno, where are you, son?" It was his father's voice and he sounded terrified for him.

"I'm here, Father!" he yelled, hopping up and down. Then he snatched buckets and boxes and stacked them on top of each other so he could get to the hole he came in through. But as fast as Pinno was moving to prove to his loving father he was okay, it wasn't enough, and his poor father fell to his knees next to the mutant flytrap and sobbed, "My poor boy's gone! Taken by this monster! Oh, Pinno, my son!"

Darrin moved forward to comfort him but Derrick hadn't been too fond of the deceased and was not in the mood to comfort the father and so hung back.

But Pinno finally managed to stack enough buckets and boxes to reach the hole. When he saw his father bent double, sobbing into his hands, it broke his little heart, so he reached out and touched his father's arm. He was going to say, "I'm right here, Father" too, but his father reacted with a shrill yelp as though it had been a touch from death. Darrin was startled by the old man's reaction, and Derrick reacted to both their reactions. "What happened?" he cried, imagining some sort of monster emerging from Vena. Then he discovered it was something worse when he heard Pinno yelled, "I'm okay, Father! I'm still alive!"

"Pinno, you despicable boy!" yelled his father in the loving way fathers do when their sons return from the dead. "Don't frighten your father like that and come up from out of there!"

"No, Father, come down here! Come see!"

"My son, it's too dangerous down there! Do you realize where you are?"

"But Father, you must come down! I think I have an idea!"

"An idea, son?"

"To kill this plant monster, Father! Come on!"

So the old, Italian man started forward. He moved very tentatively like he was afraid at any moment a shark would jump out and gobble him up. Darrin moved forward, passing the old man. He had thought killing the mutant flora would be Superkid's job, but when Pinno mentioned he had an idea for killing it, it raised the daring thought in his mind that the day could be won by ordinary citizens--that the superheroes would thank _them_ for saving the day. It sent a thrill through him, thus he had decided he was going to help Pinno with his idea.

The reasons were different for Derrick though, when he decided to join. See, Derrick had a fear of being alone--especially with strangers and _especially_ in a threatening predicament. So when he saw Darrin going into the hole, his fear kicked in and he rushed after Darrin to alleviate it.

And that is how the four of them ended up back where it all began--how they ended up face to face with the very root of evil--how they...

All right! All right! This is the last time! I promise!

Chapter 12: The Fall of Unnatural Nature

I think we've given the two archenemies enough time to recuperate. Let's check in on them.

"I didn't know you could pop out your eyes," Dr. Red exclaimed, grinning malevolently.

Superkid couldn't answer. He was too busy trying to pry Vena's fingers from his head, but she was slowly squeezing it, causing his eyes to bulge...

WHOA! Slow down! I think we need to rewind a little bit. We must have missed this while everyone was following Pinno under the root of evil.

Okay, so Red and Superkid were on the ground, still loopy from their crazy fall. Then Vena reached down and grabbed them, one in each hand, and lifted them into the air. Red gripped Vena's leaf fingers and reeled--which probably meant he was not a fan of roller coasters.

"You okay there?" Superkid said, trying to sound upbeat for his nemesis's irritation but his words were slurred.

The villainous doctor didn't answer for a while--just leaned over Vena's fingers as though waiting to throw up. But eventually he answered, "Probably more okay than you are going to be."

"Oh yeah?"

"Oh yes." He turned up to his overly large minion and commanded, "Squeeze him, Vena!"

"Uh oh," said our hero. He scrambled to his feet and then jumped from Vena's hand, diving toward the ground. She swooped her hand in and caught him upside-down. She righted him by tossing him up and then catching him by the head. His body swung down like a swing, the force of which would surely have taken his head off if he hadn't caught her fingers and tensed his arms. It burned his muscles when the weight forcibly straightened his arms, but at least his head was still attached. Which was going to be of little comfort because the mutant flora was now slowly squeezing his head.

"Having Vena eat you would probably have been more humane," Red told his enemy, "but I prefer effectiveness. Besides, I wouldn't have my baby eating anything she obviously can't digest."

The pain built up as Vena squeezed Superkid's head. He kicked his legs and pulled his body up--more to relieve the pain than to try escaping the vicious _Dionaea muscipula_ 's crushing grip.

The malicious medical professional grinned. "I didn't know you could pop out your eyes!"

Neither had Superkid, but apparently he could do it, especially with the help of a titanic mutant plant. Ooh, this is going to be gruesome; I can't bear to watch. Fortunately, we have other points of interest, so let's take a look.

Black Belt stood at the base of the enormous carnivorous plant. She stared up at the man controlling it, who looked to be the size of an ant from this distance. She had managed to get Doctor Rowenna E. Doublin to the safety of a rusted car, but now she had to find a way to take this monstrous weed down or at least impede its reign of terror somehow. She figured that the first step would be to take out the man controlling the weed. But to even get to him would mean getting past all the arms waving from its stalk, and the last time she'd tried that, she'd been thrown off and almost paralyzed when she slammed into the ground. So the question was how was she going to get to him?

"That's the stupidest plan I'd ever heard."

This would logically come from Darrin in response to Derrick's idea, but astoundingly this statement actually came from Derrick. Not so astounding though when we learn that the plan came from Pinno. Had it come from someone else, Derrick might have actually approved. Derrick himself might have actually cooked it up!

The plan was actually very simple. Gather all the chemicals around the basement and pour them on Vena's roots. Simple as that. But because Pinno came up with it, Derrick didn't like it.

"What's wrong with it?" Darrin asked him curiously, unaware of Derrick's animosity toward the horsey-looking kid.

"It's too risky! What if the chemicals make it bigger and... more tentacley?"

"I don't think it's that risky. I doubt all the chemicals will do that even if there's one that does. Besides, what else can we do to stop this monster? Might as well see if one of these will poison it." And with that, he started gathering up the beakers and test tubes.

The old man leaned toward his son. "I thought it was a brilliant plan, my son."

"Thanks, Papa," Pinno grinned.

Derrick huffed.

They all gathered chemicals, ducking under Vena's roots hanging like badly strung party streamers. They found chemicals in storage boxes, in racks, in coolers, and even just scattered on the floor. The four of them soon gathered together with their arms full of solutions.

"Who wants to go first?" Darrin asked as he gently deposited his collection at his feet.

"I think my son should have the honor," said the old man, smiling fondly at his son.

"I object!" Derrick declared, scattering his collection onto the ground until he was left with one test tube in his hand. He fumbled with the cork until he finally managed to pop it out with a grunt. Then he held it up for the rest of them to see, smirking.

The old, Italian man whispered to his son, "I don't much like that boy."

"Really?" Pinno shrugged. "I think he's funny."

Derrick, having seen the old man and his son whispering but had not heard it, turned away defiantly and lifted his vial over one of the thick, slimy roots. He suddenly became apprehensive at what might happen if he dropped this golden solution with blue glitter drifting inside it on Vena's vital organs. Would it kill her or do something to make her harmless or would it make her mad enough to kill him? He almost decided to let Pinno have the honors after all. But then he saw the ugly kid watching him expectantly and his father beside him watching with his bushy mustache twitching irritably since Derrick had insisted on stealing the limelight from his son. He saw Darrin watching him expectantly also, and that's when he realized that if he didn't do this, he was forever going to be the guy who chickened out of the chance to save the world. It would be especially bad since he had insisted on doing this, taking Pinno's glory. And if Pinno ended up doing it for him, that would be the worst of all! He could just imagine the taunting:

"Derrick chickened out and some kid called Pinno did it instead!"

"A kid named Pinno outdid Derrick? Maybe Derrick should change his name to Pinno Junior!

"Or maybe even Puno!"

"Yeah! Puno!

"Pinno outdid Puno!"

Derrick burned at the thought. No kid named Pinno was going to outdo him! And with that, he overturned the vial, pouring the gold-with-blue-glitter liquid onto the root. He immediately backed off, feeling as though he had just lit the fuse on some massive bomb. His companions did the same, though they all kept their eyes on the root where the chemical was immediately absorbed. And they all waited for something to happen... and what was that something?

Stay tuned for this exciting event!

Dr. Red whispered tensely under his breath, "Pop... pop... pop... pop..."

Superkid's eyes were getting impossibly large. At any moment, it seemed the eyes would burst like pimples--seems those are going around quite a lot today--and spray viscous liquid everywhere. But just when it seemed Superkid's life was going to end in a shower of vitals--not to mention the ending of my career as a children's literary writer--Vena straightened and dropped Superkid. He fell halfway down before he blew up his balloon to slow his fall--yes, he still had Pinno's shirt in hand--so that he could safely groan about having a headache.

The villainous doctor nearly found himself falling with his nemesis. Vena's fingers stretched out and then bunched again, nearly throwing him off. "Vena!" he cried. "What's going on?"

The answer was that the chemical Derrick had poured onto her root was crystallizing the water in her veins, freezing an entire section of her massive body. She roared in pain and shook herself. A long slice from her body shattered into green and clear crystals that showered down. Superkid was a few feet away from the shower, but a stray crystal shaped like a dagger slashed his balloon and sent him falling... no, not to his death, he was only a few feet from the ground, but it _did_ hurt!

Dr. Red clung to his dear's leafy fingers as she reeled. "Vena! Vena! Calm down! Vena! Listen to me!"

She would not be tamed. Especially when her roots were being assaulted by solutions of various effects and torture! For when the root had suddenly shattered into glittering gems, the crew below began throwing everything they had.

Darrin threw a beaker filled with glittering white powder. The beaker shattered, the white powder settled on the root, and suddenly the root began to float like a balloon.

Then the old, Italian man poured green syrup onto the root. Immediately, the root twitched, flinging the goop in different directions: over the old man's head, on the root next to Pinno, on Darrin's shirt, and in Derrick's hair.

"Derrick!" Darrin cried to his friend. "Your hair!"

"What's it doing? Get it off! Get it off!" He swiped the goop from his hair with his hands, dancing around as though a tarantula had been dropped down his pants. Darrin yelled above his shouting, "Not with your hands, you idiot! Not with your..." Then he groaned when he saw Derrick's hands covered in globs of the green syrup.

"Get it off! Get it off! Oh no! It's already on me! I'm going to die; it's already on me! What kind of idiot threw it on me--I'm going to kill 'em now I'm gonna die it's not fair whatdidIdotodeservetodieeveryonehatesmejustbecauseIdidachemicalfirst..." Derrick ranted as he danced and hopped, snatching bottles and beakers, throwing them furiously in every direction, forcing the rest of them to take shelter.

A blue bottle filled with dark but strange, ethereal-looking liquid exploded, throwing blue shards of glass like throwing stars--

\--a liquid that shifted from gray to pink spilled onto a cluster of roots. Immediately afterwards, silver-brown smoke rose from the roots--

\--a strange purple mixture that seemed to be composed entirely of electricity leaped from the bottle onto the roots and crawled all over them like hyperactive spiders--

\--a sickly yellow mixture that smelled like rotten eggs, sewage, and puke seeped into another set of roots, turning them pale--

\--a blue, glue-like chemical adhered itself to yet another set of roots, which gradually began to glow--

\--and many more concoctions were flung, many more effects took place--some invisible but most with interesting if not bizarre shows. The creature above, whose roots were being attacked, writhed and screeched horribly, clawing at her head, her body, the ground... Dr. Red was still in her hand when she slapped the ground and clawed through the broken asphalt, leaving him thoroughly bruised and shaken. Something was happening to Vena, he knew. Something dangerous. She was no longer under his control.

Vena's screams began anew when spikes pushed their way out of her body--sharp, long, and lethal-looking. Even on her fingers the leaves fell off, fluttering to the ground, while three long claws grew in their place. He wouldn't be safe in her hands now. Then it became apparent he would definitely not be safe in her hands when they burst into flame. Soon after that, he noticed lines glowing inside her body, growing brighter until flames burst to life like bolts of lightning up her body. She screamed again.

Superkid had defeated his creation. Somehow, Superkid was responsible for everything that was happening to his Vena. Someday, he was going to pay. Someday, Superkid was going to pay for destroying his one and only love.

He was going to slink off so he could rise again some other time to wreak his vengeance on the pint-sized hero, but then Vena screamed, "RE-E-E-E-E-E-ED!" freezing him in place. Then her flaming fingers came slashing down, striking the ground on either side of him. The evil doctor's blood froze--despite the heat from her burning fingers--at how close Vena had come to goring him. She pulled her fingers back, sparks buzzing and crackling as she tilled the ground until she lifted them to her face. When she saw she had not managed to grab her creator, she screamed again, "RE-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-ED!"

Red was already off and running. Her claws sliced the air with a terrifying whistle until she stabbed the ground, just barely missing the doctor. While her claws did miss, the fire did catch on Red's coat. He didn't realize it though, busy as he was running for his life.

Vena screeched again and suddenly the streets exploded as root after python-like root surfaced, penning Red in. But even as he backed away in horror, the roots continued ravaging the streets, slapping the asphalt repeatedly, slamming into buildings, breaking glass--it was like a giant viper's nest had come to life! Worse still, when the malevolent doctor looked closely, he noticed that the roots seemed to be... growing!

He turned to look up at Vena. He wasn't sure since she was moving around so much, but it seemed she was bigger than when he had last seen her from down here.

Something hit him in the back, knocking the breath out of him. He fell forward and caught himself with his hands, gasping for breath. He was flipped onto his back then back onto his front then onto his back again. He was surprised to find himself staring at the white-clad woman, who was stomping on his coat, which sprayed sparks and smoke. Then she grabbed his front and brought him up to her face.

"What's happening to your plant?" she yelled above the mutant flora's screaming.

"I don't know!" Red answered honestly.

Black Belt thought it might have been some sort of transformation that the mad doctor had caused to make it more effective in taking over the world, but even the spewing of its sticky, green blood seemed a little extreme for it. The spikes were intimidating as were the flaming veins. The green smoke billowing behind the plant was a little showy. The purple sparks flying between its limbs every time it moved also seemed showy. But she could see now the monster was no longer under control. The loud shrieking, the wild flailing and twitching, the gouges it was leaving in its face and body meant the thing was in terrible pain. She turned back to the doctor and shook him. "What do we need to do?"

Doctor Red shook his head. "I doubt there's anything we can do."

"Does it have some sort of vital organ? A weakness of any kind?"

"The roots," Superkid answered, stumbling up to the two. He was back in his costume though it was stained and torn in a few places. "The roots sustain every plant and are what keeps weeds returning again and again."

"So we destroy the roots?"

"That's what I'm saying."

"How? They're too widespread. Look." She dropped Red to point to the thrashing pythons surrounding them.

Indeed, they were too widespread. Superkid was also right in that they were sustaining Vena. All the chemicals had all soaked into her roots and were causing reactions in each other as well as her body. Her body wasn't taking all these reactions well and she was dying from it. But Vena was a stubborn girl. She had plugged all of her roots into every available plant, mutated and normal alike, and was sucking all of their vitality dry--which meant if Superkid and his friends somehow managed to destroy Vena and survive, they wouldn't have to worry about cleaning up. That wouldn't sustain her for long, which was why she had more roots seeking out other plants to suck vitality from. Superkid and the rest of them didn't know it, but if they didn't stop Vena soon, the whole world was going to become a barren rock, which meant total extinction would follow, with the herbivores going first--including those vegetarians--and then the carnivores. At least we meat-lovers would outlast those veggie-loving, meat-hating folks, eh?

But then the malevolent man with the esteemed title was struck by inspiration that would prevent this chain-reaction of elimination of the food chain. And this stroke of inspiration manifested itself in these words: "Her boil!"

Black Belt and Superkid both turned to him with bewildered expressions. "Huh?"

"Her blister..." He pointed to the enormous, shiny bubble rising from her side, which Superkid had mistaken for an enormous bulb. It was somehow clear of spikes and fire. "Where the chemical spilled on her. If you puncture it, it may be enough to... to stop her."

"Puncture it?" Superkid repeated. "With what?"

Black Belt scooped up jagged green crystals and held them up for Superkid to see. He accepted one from her, tested its weight, and nodded. "That should work."

"No it won't," Red negated. "Her hide will be quite tough and poking her with those tiny things will be like poking a water balloon with a pine needle. You'll need something bigger and sharper."

"Like what?" asked Black Belt.

The whistle of Vena's claws slashing through the air drew their attention. Superkid said quietly, "Oh," while Black Belt nodded with a grim frown and said, "I see." Somehow, they had to get Vena to pop her own boil.

"That seems simple enough," said Black Belt, beginning stretching exercises.

"It's going to be tricky just getting to her," Superkid pointed out. "But climbing up to her boil will be suicidal, what with all her arms and enormous spines and that."

"You can just fly us up there." The karate master bent over sideways, almost impossibly touching the ground.

"Not with a slashed balloon." Superkid pulled his cape around to show all the rips and tears in it.

"Then do you have another plan?"

Superkid considered her web-belt at her waist. "Do you think you can break your last record?"

She touched her belt, giving the youthful vigilante a cold glare. "What record?"

Superkid's mouth turned up in a grin. "Furthest distance for slinging an annoying, loud-mouthed twerp."

She relaxed her threatening posture a bit, her frown slackening a smidgen. "I could try."

Doctor Red chuckle dryly. "This is an event I'll have to see."

They all approached the thrashing behemoth as close as they dared. Black Belt removed her whip as they neared and reeled it into her hand until she reached the end, which she proffered to Superkid. He took it with a nod and then backed away to stretch the rope taut. Dr. Red crossed his arms. Despite the sorrow he felt that he had to let them destroy Vena, he was also interested to see Superkid flung by the testy karate woman. And who knows? Superkid might even get killed in the process.

Black Belt took a stance: her feet spread apart for stability. "Ready?" she asked.

"Before we begin, I need you to tell me when to let go."

She nodded. "I understand."

Our brave hero nodded. "All right. I'm ready."

So she began spinning. Superkid ran a few steps to help her get started and then he was in the air, flying out like a kite on a merry-go-round. The malicious doctor had to jump out of the way when his archenemy swung around to him.

Keeping her legs far apart, Black Belt twirled Superkid around, building up momentum and spinning him faster and faster. After a few spins, she angled it so that he was aimed up at Vena's boil. She had to be careful though not to aim too high; otherwise, he would crash into the ground on the downswing.

"Now?" Superkid yelled above the wind.

"Wait!" Black Belt responded curtly. She whirled him faster and faster.

"Now?"

"Wait!" Faster and faster.

"Now--"

"WAIT!"

He was spinning so fast now, everything was a blur. The rope was beginning to slide from his grip.

"I can't hold on--"

"NOW!"

Superkid was so surprised, he let go. His aim was true--or maybe it was Black Belt's aim since she was the one who tossed him--but he was the one who let go at the right time--but she was the one who told him to let go--oh, whatever! He slammed right onto the shiny, bulbous lump at her base.

Vena instantly reacted, bringing her claws down to slap him, but fortunately he had fallen before she got him... at least, before she got him lethally. She grazed his thigh as he fell, but once he landed on his feet, he could leap safely away...

At least, that was the plan. But before that happened, he stopped with a jerk that sent an echoing series of cracks that racked his entire being with pain. It was a while before he pinpointed the area of most intense pain--his middle knuckle where an orange point of light glowed.

Red chuckled evilly, cradling his MAT. "Bull's-eye."

Black Belt had seen the heartless doctor fire his weapon and saw now that Superkid was trapped. Vena was swinging her claws down a second time and this time there was no escape for our hero. She realized there was no time to save him and he was going to be gored, meaning his life would truly end. So her only question was should she see this as Superkid finally getting his come-uppance or as a cruel tragedy that must be avenged?

So the end had come at last. After only four short editions, Superkid was going to be no more. Dark days would soon descend upon Poolington. Chaos would reign supreme. Villains would run unchecked. No decent citizen would be safe, for Superkid's end was rushing up to meet him in the form of a claw twice his size...

No! I can't do it! I can't just stand here and narrate the end of Superkid's life! Not an innocent, little child whose noble aspirations were to clear the streets of eccentric, questionably motivated criminals! I love him too much! I feel as though I personally raised him from stuffy, faint-hearted twelve-year-old to dashing, fearless hero! It would be too tragic to end his life now in the prime of his youth when he has so much potential! I still have many more adventures of his to narrate! Fortunately, I have some powerful connections.

Somebody's arms suddenly wrapped around from behind the villainous doctor and gripped his gun. He was so surprised that he jerked his gun, accidentally pulling the trigger. A flash of tangerine zipped through the air, tracing a glowing line upon the retinas of those watching, until it tacked into the center claw, stopping it just above Superkid's ear--another close call, which is all in a day's work for us. The momentum of Vena's downward slash caused the center claw to be ripped off while the left and right claws slashed past him on either side and plunged into the boil.

Vena shrieked her loudest yet--the ultimate shriek of doom, despair, and defeat, for she had delivered herself the coup de grace. Her claws came away as fast as they had gone in and twin spouts gushed out on either side of Superkid--sticky, translucent, forest-green syrup that spilled down Vena's side, dousing ropes of flame below the boil. It also surprised unpleasantly the crew still testing every chemical they could find on the monstrous _Dionaea muscipula_ 's roots. The goop only came up to their waist, fortunately, but they would be washing their clothes for months trying to get out all the stickiness and the bitter smell of chopped weeds.

As the boil deflated of its fluids, Vena's body began to shrivel. She tried desperately to stay alive, but she was losing more vitality than she was taking. Soon, she didn't even have enough to spread her roots out and death traveled up those roots, shriveling all the way along until it reached her main body. Here, death traveled up her stalk in a slow and very dramatic fashion. Vena swatted futilely at it like she was trying to put out a fire, but eventually death shriveled her arms and all that was left was her head.

She pointed her mouth to the sky, let out one final screech--not her loudest since she didn't have much life left; it was more like a sigh--and then death took her head, shriveling the two halves in a dry whisper. And then, to make absolutely certain that Vena was really, honestly dead, she crumbled into dust the way a sand castle crumbles when watered.

And that's how this seemingly insurmountable odd was surmounted. With the great threat defeated, the town of Poolington could return to peace. Superkid had fulfilled his duty.

But not unscathed. The weight of his body was too great for his finger. It ripped free of his hand. He fell to the ground with a cry of pain that he quickly muffled. Dr. Rowenna E. Doublin--the very person who had saved his life by causing Dr. Red to tack the claw before it plunged into his brain--ran to him and pulled him into a compassionate embrace.

"Oh, you poor thing! Are you all right?" She squeezed him so tightly he couldn't breathe.

"Just a scratch," he wheezed bravely over the empathic psychiatrist's shoulder. Derrick, who was just climbing out of the basement, saw the embrace and he froze, a look of abjection on his face. Superkid turned away from him and studied the bloody stump where his middle finger had been with a little loss and more of "I wonder what Mom will say when she sees this." One thing for sure, whatever she said, there was going to be some freaking out to go with it.

The good doctor pretty much confirmed this when she pulled him away, spotted his missing finger, and screamed, "Oh my goodness, your finger!" She grabbed his remaining digits and moved them around as though she might find the missing one hidden behind them. "Where's your finger? Does it hurt? Oh, what should we do? We need a doctor!"

"You _are_ a doctor," Derrick said in an attempt to win back her favor. He shot Superkid a glare.

"A psychiatrist," Dr. Rowenna corrected. "We need a medical doctor." And she turned to the malevolent doctor who had almost gotten our pint-sized hero killed. He was trussed in web-rope with Black Belt hanging on to the end.

Dr. Rowenna took Superkid over to the villainous doctor. Superkid looked up at her and asked, "What are you doing?"

She didn't answer him. Instead, she kneeled in front of Red, assumed a stern expression, and demanded, "You need to operate on this boy's finger now!"

"What?!" Superkid exclaimed, yanking his finger-challenged hand out of hers. "He'd sooner melt me into a pile of goop than put my finger back on."

"He's right, of course," said Doctor Red with a malicious smile.

"Listen, we don't have time for this!" said Doctor Rowenna E. Doublin, still attempting to be assertive. "His finger's been torn off and if we don't hurry and graft it back on soon, it will be too late!"

"And that concerns me, why?"

The benevolent doctor gritted her teeth. "If you don't help graft his finger back on, I will make your life so miserable, so help me!"

The malevolent doctor snorted. "You don't scare me."

"If she doesn't then I should," responded Black Belt in a tone that wasn't arrogant but deadly serious.

And she did scare him... but she also filled him with admiration. Here was a woman whom he could take seriously. A spark within his dark soul flared to life, presenting an omen of things to come.

Uh-oh.

Epilogue

As far as endings go, this wasn't the happiest. For one thing, even though Dr. Red agreed to graft Superkid's finger back on his hand at the threat of being incapacitated by Black Belt, they found they couldn't even get the finger untacked from the air, especially without damaging it. It was soon too late and it looked like Superkid would have to live the rest of his life without his middle finger--it would forever hang as a memorial of his sacrifice next to the claw of Vena, which symbolized the magnitude of the challenge that he had overcome. Frustrated by this tragic defeat, Dr. Rowenna E. Doublin turned MAT against Dr. Red, leaving him tacked in place by his shoulder with an almost terrifying growl of "Have a taste of your own medicine!" She later alerted the police to his location after helping to take down the cages where the citizens had had time to complete _five_ epiphanies. But when the police arrived to arrest the villainous doctor, he was gone, leaving behind only a chunk of red skin.

After the citizens had been rescued, they thanked Superkid and his friends, including Pinno, his old father, and Doctor Rowenna E. Doublin--Black Belt had mysteriously disappeared after helping with the rescue--and the city council assured Superkid that the best doctor would be found to give him a new finger. Mrs. Purn took the news of her son's missing finger surprisingly well though she made quite a few threats and promises that would have turned Dr. Red's blood icy cold. When asked how she was going to break the news to Superkid's alter ego, Aaron, about his missing finger, she decided, "I'll tell him that's what happens when he uses it inappropriately." It turned out to be quite effective--Aaron was now terrified that he became a foul-mouthed, four-gesturing rabble-rouser when he spazzed out and avoided people as much as he could so they wouldn't turn him back into the jerk.

Derrick was taken to a doctor to fix that hole in his chest. The surgeon wound up taking fat from his rear to patch it. To add insult to injury, Derrick soon became known as "Buttman," much to his horror.

Since Vena's last desperate ploy to stay alive, every single plant in Poolington was dead: weeds and flowers, trees and shrubs, fruits and vegetables. In a state of paranoia, the town decided not to replant their town, opting instead to use artificial turf for grass, artificial trees to line the roads, and artificial shrubs to border their yards. Even Mrs. Terrell decided to go for artificial roses; she reasoned this would give her more time for her other hobbies. "Those evil vines did give me an idea for a new recipe," she said, giving her glittering cookies a sly grin. "And I might have an idea or two to improving Superkid's wonderful costume," she added, eyeing the slashed and scuffed bundle on her rocker.

As for replacing the fruits and vegetables, the town forbade any fresh produce from entering the city limits. The laws limited imported food to cans, packages, and meats. These laws were in effect for three months, by which time, the city council reasoned, the paranoia would abate. It was a calculated strategy since voters were notorious for their short memories and it was likely they would start wondering why the city council had enacted such a ridiculous law as banning fresh produce and consequently vote for other candidates. Not to mention that they wanted to minimize damage made with the transport industry as well as the agricultural industry.

I think that just about covers everything in this epilogue. Superkid may have lost a finger in this adventure, but he's still got more than enough of himself left for more adventures! Can Superkid overcome the odds without his beloved finger? What sort of trials will our hero be faced with next? Tune in next year for...

Huh? What about Superkid's fight with the giant pine tree when Vena swatted him away? You mean to tell me you actually remembered that?! Well uh...

Oh look! Another banal new release with raving reviews from prestigious sources! See ya!
