-There was a guy the other day.
I'm walking down the street.
And a guy comes down,
pick-up truck --
I'm at a stop sign.
He doesn't see me.
He's not slowing down.
He slows down at the stop sign.
I go to cross, and he goes,
"Come on, come on, come on."
And I said, "No!
You stay, stay, stay, stay!"
And he goes, "Come on, come on!"
I go, "No, no, no!
You stay, stay, stay, stay!"
-Wait. What does that have
to do with James Comey?
-It's the same thing!
♪♪♪
-Before we worked on "SNL",
our lives, like, just had
these wonderful moments
of intersection,
and I was in Chicago.
You were doing a show
with Tina Fey,
a two-woman show
that you did one time.
-One night only.
And Seth was in the audience.
-Yeah.
-And it was kind of like
15 minutes of sketch,
and then like an hour of improv,
like, hoping people
wouldn't notice.
And we did something
called The Dream,
which is, you pull somebody
from the audience,
and you ask them
about their day,
and we pulled up Seth.
-Yes.
So, I, wet behind the ears --
I sat there,
and I told you about my day,
and completely fell for you.
-Yes.
-And then you had no memory
of it when we met.
-No, I don't remember any of it.
-Yeah.
-And you told me the story,
and I was like --
You made no impression on me.
-And it was funny because
we were at "SNL --
We started at "SNL" together,
and you were so nice
about everything else.
You were like, "Oh, my God.
That's so cool.
You were in Chicago, and we're
both from New England."
And then I said, "And one time,
we did this thing."
And you said, "No, I don't --
-No.
-You refused to even fake it.
-You know, like, in the Peanuts,
when the adults talks,
and it just sounds like,
"Wah-wah-wah-wah-wah."
That's what it felt like,
I think.
[ Laughter ]
-That's about right.
-Is that bad?
But look at us now.
-Look at us now.
-Yeah, yeah, yeah,
and there was another show
I did when I first met you --
I did a show in Amsterdam when
I met Seth for the first time.
We were opening for Patti Smith.
Of course, makes sense.
Upright Citizens Brigade
opening for Patti Smith,
and you were in the audience,
then, too.
-Yeah.
-And we met again.
And I don't remember it.
-You don't remember that either?
-You guys are like wives,
like, work wives.
-Yeah. We are.
-Common law.
-We are common-law comedy wives
at this point.
We have worked long enough
that we could --
Well, I feel like I own
half of what Tina has.
[ Laughter ]
I don't know if she does.
But...
-[ Laughs ]
-Would you say
you have a short hand?
-Yeah, I think we...
It's not all the way twin-speak,
but I think, you know,
if we're, like,
in crowded place,
we can be, like,
"The thing with --
We need to -- Seth and the...
-Mm-hmm. Right.
-'Cause it -- Yeah.
Got it.
[ Laughter ]
-It's terrifying to watch.
-We talk about people
in front of them,
and they don't
really understand.
-Got you.
-Like...
You know what I mean?
-You know what Fred's doing?
Like, okay.
Hey, Fred.
-Hey.
[ Laugher ]
-'Cause you remember the thing
with the...
-Yeah, no, of course. No.
And it g-- And it's good.
And at the end of the day,
he just...
[ Laughter ]
[ Laughter ]
-One of my favorite stories is,
on the flight to the first one,
you lost your phone
on the plane.
-Okay.
So, I like to plan things,
and I think I'm good at it.
And so I had basically
the entire trip's itinerary
on my phone.
And then I went in -- and do you
guys -- when you use --
when you put your phone
in your back pocket
and sometimes you go to
the bathroom on the airplane
and you pull your pants down,
you know sometimes --
Yes, right?
[ Laughter ]
You're like, "Did I -- Did I --"
And so, I flushed the toilet,
and I was washing my hands,
'cause I wash my hands.
[ Laughter ]
And I was like --
I looked for my phone,
and I was like, "Oh, my God.
I flushed my phone
down the toilet."
And I came out.
And this is --
When I screw up,
I get really mad.
-Yeah.
-And so I'm like, "I flushed
my phone down the toilet!"
[ Laughter ]
And everyone was like, "What?"
And I was like, "I flushed
my phone down the toilet,
and the trip is ruined
and all of the plans
are ruined."
And I just sat there and just
like huffed and puffed.
And I was like,
"And everything is ruined
and it's not gonna
be a good time."
And everyone's like,
"What's happening?"
And everybody acted exactly how
you would think they would act.
Maya Rudolph, the Earth mother,
like, big-hearted, was like,
"Get me some gloves.
I'm gonna look in that toilet."
[ Laughter and applause ]
Ana Gasteyer, level-headed,
was like, "You know,
maybe it's in your bag."
And I was like, "No.
It's down the toilet."
[ Laughter ]
Paula Pell, forever supportive,
was like,
"I need a new phone, too."
"So when we land,
we'll both go buy new phones."
[ Laughter ]
And then Emily Spivey,
who is the most hilarious
in times of crisis,
was just looking out the window,
drinking her wine going,
[Southern accent] "Y'all,
this is my worst nightmare."
"If my phone went in the toilet,
y'all, I would die."
-We had dinner last night
with some of our friends.
-We did.
-And you then had to --
You were, like, kind of
the first one out the door
because you had to do
the "Today" show.
-I did the "Today" show
this morning,
which was so fun.
And that show is amazing.
Like, it's a crazy circus.
-Yes.
-As you know.
But I texted a friend of ours,
because this morning
was like an "SNL" sketch
that we had probably
written a million times
'cause I was a little hungover.
-Uh-huh.
-Not a lot of sleep,
and I had to get up
really early.
And I had to do crafts,
which I don't do...
-Right.
[ Laughter ]
-...with Al Roker and Hoda.
And I followed a story about
a giraffe getting pregnant.
But it made me think about,
we used to joke all the time
that there would always be
sketches where we would think
it was really funny if it was
like the local newscasters
in Tucson
who were really hung over
and just trying to get
through the morning.
-Yeah.
[ Laughter ]
-They're like,
"Good morning, T--
Good morning, Tucson."
[ Laughter ]
Just trying not to throw up
the whole time.
-Yeah.
[ Laughter ]
Well, I think we may have
even talked about it here.
There was like a --
I remember
there was a famous night
where we were out very late
at "SNL."
And then you, Finesse Mitchell,
and Kenan Thompson had to leave.
Like, you had --
Well, you left a bar,
like, an hour before
you got picked up to all
go play the Black Eyed Peas
in a sketch.
-Oh, that was such
a dark, dark day.
-Yeah.
[ Laughter ]
And you filmed it,
and it was really exciting
for the rest of us because
you then all told us,
like, "We were so hung over
and we had to dance
like the Black Eyed Peas.
And then we all just got wait
to watch the pre-tape."
And then it was so much fun
to watch because you guys
all looked like really unhappy
Black Eyed Peas.
-And Kenan Thompson
was doing the funniest bit
where he was pretending
to take calls from himself
the night before.
And he was like, "Hello?"
And he was like,
"You want me to go home?
I don't think so."
[ Laughter ]
He was, like, going,
"You got to go home, man.
You're going to be up all night,
and you got to be
the Black Eyed Peas
in the morning."
He's like, "Nice try, buddy."
-"Not women's soccer...
Women's sports in general
not worth watching."
That brings us to a segment
we like to call
"Really? With Seth and Amy".
[ Cheers and applause ]
You ready to do this, right?
-Yeah.
-Alright. Good.
Good old "Really?"
-Yes!
Okay, let's do it.
It seems like it's a good time.
-[ Speaks indistinctly ]
Seth...
Really? Really?
Really, Andy Benoit?
There's nothing
in women's sports
worth watching?
I think a lot of people
would love
to watch you say that
to Serena Williams.
Really.
-Really, and, by the way,
here's the go-ahead goal
from the England-Norway game.
-Plays it out wide again.
The shot by Bronze!
And a goal!
-And here's a sports moment
that you would,
apparently, rather watch.
-Around three, four.
[ Laughter ]
-Here's Billy Horschel
at 6 for par.
[ Laughter ]
-Really?
-Wow.
-Wow. Really?
-Yeah.
I guess I'm not surprised that
you work for Sports Illustrated.
You guys put out
a swimsuit issue every year
dedicated entirely to women
who aren't in sports.
Unless you think
that it's a sport
to cover both boobs
with one arm.
Really?
-Here she comes.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Look at this.
Oh, this is fantastic.
Here she comes.
She's walking down the beach,
bikini top is off,
but her arm is out,
and she's done it.
She's covered both nipples.
-Do you believe in miracles?!
-Really?
-I mean, really?
-Dratch once --
Something like this never
happened at "SNL,"
except for this --
she threw out her back
in the middle of read-through.
-Yeah, Rachel --
And we based the scene
in the movie off
of this real thing,
which is sh--
You know, when you get
to a certain age,
you just hurt your back
just by going like this.
-Yeah.
[ Laughter ]
-You don't have
to do anything.
And so I think she just
turned to talk to someone
and was like, "Ugh!"
And her back went out,
and she couldn't move.
And so she did the read-through
lying on the floor...
-[ Laughs ] Yeah.
...with about 100 people
in the room,
and she was killing...
-Yeah.
-...'cause she was just
holding her scripts,
shouting --
-And you couldn't see her.
-Everybody is at a table,
and she was, like,
basically, under the table.
-She was under the table.
And Johnny Knoxville
was the host,
and he was such a nice,
amazing host.
-A gentleman.
-And he very helpfully
reached into his pocket
and just pulled out
a bunch of loose pills.
[ Laughter ]
And they all
had different colors.
And they didn't have any tags.
No bottles.
-Yeah.
-And he looked at me and said,
"Ah, these are all uppers.
These aren't going to work."
[ Laughter ]
And so...
-[ Laughs ]
-And then I'll always
remember this, too,
is that the nurse --
the NBC nurse --
came up and gave Dratch
her Vicodin or whatever,
and she was like, oh,
and there was like the vultures.
There was like 10 people,
would be like, "Uh, Dratch,
are you going to use
the rest of that Vicodin?"
And I'm like,
"Get away from her!"
There was, like, so many people
trying to get her pain pills.
Don't do pills, you guys.
-Yeah.
-Don't do pills.
-Seriously!
-Yeah, come on, guys.
That's not what this is --
If there's any message...
[ Laughter ]
♪♪♪
