Another day another dollar towards beer
money I thought to myself as I pulled
into my company's parking lot as I
walked into the office I heard the gruff
deep voice of my manager Jerry say hey
bub you're going out of area today out
of area meaning I was going to be
driving to the middle of nowhere get
maybe one job completed then have to
come back here by sundown as I was
pondering my shitty situation
Jerry walked up to me and slapped me on
the back like a mildly alcoholic dad who
doesn't know the meaning of too hard and
said you hear me Bobby yeah I'm making
less money for the good of the company
right Jerry's a brow furrowed the
sarcasm in my voice was almost beyond
his grasp but eventually he got it
listen here you little ass clown the
company will pay double for your gas
we'll take the drive into account for
your bonus and give you free service for
your truck they treat us good if you do
good by them
jerry a portly balding middle-aged
middle manager gave the same speech in
the same tone to anyone who had ever
complained about doing anything extra of
course though I had to ask him why the
heck I had to do it today
well because Roger Jerry said referring
to the guy that worked the northernmost
tip of our area decided that he hated
you and called off this morning
yeah but why am I the one who has to
take his work I asked mildly surprised
that Jerry's own sarcasm because I think
you're a limp dick - hole who needs to
learn em some work ethic and don't go
talking about how you served in the
Marines and you worked hard and blah
blah blah blah blah I've fought in the
Gulf under general H Norman Schwarzkopf
and I know hard work I know Jerry I'm a
pussy because I actually wore my body
armor but anyway before we started dick
measuring contest where the hell am I
going
I asked trying to avoid our normal
arguments Jerry sighed and said well out
in the ozarks near grand gap grand gap
literally a post office and a general
store smack-dab in the middle of a
massive forest place is on a side road
driveway that goes for about two miles
off at ar7 the customer needs two rooms
done and a satellite dish set up and
Jerry's finished he sounded like he may
have felt bad he knows how much I hate
setting up those dishes and on top of
that the chance of us actually getting a
signal for the satellite is little to
none
so I'm driving 120 miles out to the
mountains so I could tell some backwoods
inbred that he can't have his TV because
of the trees ma'am I must have been a
murder in a past lifetime I complained
and yes Jerry
i friggin know I'll be compensated
regardless a couple of minutes later I
loaded up my truck and started the long
trip north into the mountains and away
from the safety of familiarity
I knew the drive would take well over an
hour and a half on relatively empty
roads so I started to let my mind wander
I've been with cable satellites and more
for about two years now and it still
amazes me I haven't quit or killed
myself yet the hours suck the pay is
subpar and upper management spends most
of their time on their knees sucking off
the big cable companies begging for
scraps now you may be asking yourself
how the hell did a combat veteran with
access to the GI Bill and four years of
leadership training end up installing
cable in Arkansas well the best way to
answer that is instead of taking classes
and getting a skilled laborer job I want
it to be a badass at 18 I only wanted
one gig the infantry
it gives you the ability to act under
pressure and learn how to lead men into
combat but when you get out most jobs
want people with applicable skills so I
tried college a state school filled with
former professionals turn professors
expensive libraries filled brimming with
the information companies from all over
the world recruiting to get the pick of
the best candidate
and well girls lots and lots of girls no
I probably don't have to tell you but I
only paid any attention to the last one
you see when you spend four years of
your life surrounded by dudes a plethora
of chicks in yoga pants kind of
distracts you and seriously being the
only non beard having non vape smoking
alpha male on campus got me laid a lot
like I'm talking Ron Jeremy's hairy ass
would be jealous of me well for my
frequency of fornication not my GPA but
shit happens
and I got this gig while I'm in
directionless directionless by the way
is the word used to describe me by my
court-appointed therapist
I'll leave most of the details out but
some punk bitch decided to tell me not
to sleep with his girlfriend while I was
at stake
I decided him eating my fist would be
the best way for me to convey my
feelings of distaste for his sentiment
one thing led to another and I have to
go see a shrink for my PTSD PTSD my ass
I liked what I did over there get up go
on Patrol possibly shoot some Hajis and
then go back to the fo bait simple now
life is I don't know it's complicated I
gotta pay rent I have to be politically
correct I can't shoot anyone even the
people who drive slowly in the left
fucking Lane well whatever maybe I'll be
lucky and whoever this customer is will
be a superhot art student staying at her
parents cabin for winter break
yeah she'll answer the door half-naked
take one look at my manly frame hoping
to ignore the Pudge hang it over my belt
and invite me in to help her keep warm
for the winter I let my thoughts wander
thinking about the pretty blonde no may
be brunette waiting for me looking back
I really wish that was the case as I got
closer to the address the GPS on my
phone started acting a bit finicky but
it was able to steer me to the right
driveway well Drive oi was a word it was
more or less a dirt path shrouded by old
as hell white oak and cottonwood I heard
leaves and Pines crinkle under the
weight of my truck as I steered down the
narrow track as I drove deeper I noticed
that this part of the forest was dense
and looked barely touched now you see I
went camping in the Ozarks every year
with my dad up until I was 17 almost
everywhere we went you could tell the
Woods had been affected by people in
some way you know random piece of trash
carved initials of young lovers tire
human tracks and all that shit
these trees this path and everything it
encompassed seemed to have remained
unscathed even though someone apparently
lived out here it was strange to say the
least especially because there seemed to
be no tire tracks going up the driveway
the path dragged on and on and it seemed
to narrow out to the point where I
didn't think I could fit my truck on it
much longer then I saw a small patch of
brighter earth in an open area about two
hundred yards ahead of me I silently
thank the man upstairs I wouldn't have
to lug all my equipment through the
woods as I approached the opening I
caught my first glimpse of the house or
better yet shit pile I'd be working on
today
it stood at around two stories with
rotted wood siding and maybe two out of
ten windows not smashed in the front
lawn was just dirt leaves and Pines
scattered around
I can't believe my fucking eyes how am I
supposed to install TV boxes when
there's no power I thought to myself
this is probably some redneck with a
makeshift the wind turbines strapped to
a tree probably gonna ask why he can't
get his NASCAR I scanned for the front
door and saw a dilapidated plank
covering the largest of the houses
orifices I decided that was my best bet
as of her door at this point I'm just
honestly hoping no one's home there is
no car everything is over ran and there
cannot be a decent source of power
anywhere on this property but God was
definitely not on my side today as I
approached the front door I saw movement
beyond one of the non smashed in windows
I may have seen some shit overseas but
someone actually living out here in this
busted house can't be someone I want to
be alone with but if I don't at least
try to complete the job I won't get paid
any bonus as I arrived to the plank
slash door or whatever the hell it is I
slowly reached my hand to knock but
before I could reach it's swung open
behind the door was a person at the
least what was left of her person after
spending a few months at a concentration
camp this guy stood at 6 feet tall no
more than 120 pounds white as a ghost it
seems to be made of only bones and then
they stretched skin he looked like
somebody sucked all the fat and sinew
out of his body
but the creepiest part was his eyes they
seemed empty the pupil so expansive I
couldn't make out the color and barely
see the whites I'd realized I've been
staring and looking down at my paperwork
good morning sir is this the residence
of mr. Weiser I barely got it out before
he opened the black hole that was his
mouth why have you come his words rolled
off his tongue heavily laden with the
thick syrupy scandinavian accent I
barely could respond here I was trying
to install the satellite for Count
Dracula and he doesn't ask me what I
want or Who I am but why have I come who
the hell says that I'm I'm your cable
technician here to set out your TV's up
I stammered it's all I could get out
with his pitch black eyes staring right
through me he continued to stare for
what felt like an hour until he opened
the hole in his face ah yes come forth
into my home I will show you where you
will be working but be warned I do not
like anything in my home touched your
business here is the televisions only is
that understood this guy looked like
fucking Skeletor and sounded like a
James Bond villain
I thought to myself aloud I said yes sir
I won't touch any of your stuff or
knickknacks or personals I just want to
set up the TVs and head back to Little
Rock he stared at me for a second and
turned towards the dark house beckoning
for me to follow as I trailed my gaunt
post into the ramshackle house I
couldn't help but to notice the
nauseating scent of decaying meat mixed
with a tinge of rusted copper It was as
if I wandered into abandoned
slaughterhouse and I could smell the
years of
blood and decomposition of millions of
animal parts God don't think like that
man this guy is probably a hunter lives
off the grid and finally decided he
missed ESPN and calls us up and I
thought to myself but the smell wasn't
the only off-putting characteristic of
mr. biters home
it was the decor or lack thereof the
front door opened directly into what can
barely be described as a living room the
only sign that an actual human lived
here was a decrepit rocking chair that
looked like it was the sole survivor of
Dresden the wood was badly scorched and
the only parts that weren't burned were
heavily frayed I feel as if I sat down
in it I would be pulling a thousand
splinters out of my ass and wiping
flecks of charred wood off my pants for
eternity I took my eyes off the chair
and finally saw the TV I'd be connecting
the receiver to well I say TV
sarcastically because I'm pretty sure
this set I grew up with 29 years ago was
way more advanced I saw that the ancient
beast still had the original wood
paneling and everything I hope to god I
had some sort of adapter in the truck
because there was no way I was telling
dr. Frankenstein I didn't have the parts
now this is the first television it is a
Zenith from 1949 I was told your company
specialized in connecting New Age media
to these type of TV sets
am I correct mr. Veidt are turned and
looked at me with his empty eyes as he
asked this should be I can always figure
it out I lied the oldest TV I set up was
from the 90s god I am so fucked I
thought to myself
I'm gonna punch that punk bitch Roger in
the fucking throat as soon as I see him
motherfucker better buy me a beer for
calling out good I would be very
disappointed if I do not have my shows
fighter
I think smiled as he said this and put
an intense emphasis on ther e-you let me
pause in living room to assess the back
of the TV one look was all I needed one
look told me I was utterly fucked this
TV did not have a single connection I
recognized but I had an idea the job
description I received for mr. Vidor and
stated he did not want the satellite on
the roof he wanted it on a pole and from
my experiences with these type of mounts
there's a high chance that this guy
won't get a signal or the ground ain't
right for a mount all I had to do was
take my satellite reader and pretend
there wasn't a trace of the signal oh
and I forgot to mention explained to
this guy he wasn't getting his shows
until my manager came out and verified
fuck it Jerry had died for the company
he loves I'll get over it as my spirit
started to lighten in my mood turn from
depressed and terrified to less
depressed and slightly hopeful my
customer decided I was staring at his TV
for too long I would lead you to the
next TV hopefully this one will not take
too long for you to study he sounded
pissed so I gave him the go-ahead to
bring me further into his creepy ass
house
so I I saw the power outlet behind the
TV but no power lines to the house is
there a generator connected somewhere I
had to ask because I didn't hear the
loud hum of a generator nor did I see
any sign of power being run to the house
my host turned to look at me with his
vacant eyes and hissed how my home works
should not concern you as he said this I
could see what little blood this guy had
in his body rushed to his face he was
angry and seemed barely able to contain
it he turned back around and started
heading further and faster towards the
back of the house I was about to
apologize as I fought to keep up with
him but something caught my eye it was a
picture on the wall one of those
old-timey portraits you see in people's
grandparents house I can only take a
quick look but from what I could tell
even in black-and-white one of the men
in the portrait looked exactly like mr.
Vader like to a tee the only difference
was the guy in the picture had normal
eyes and didn't look so disproportioned
it couldn't be him this picture had to
be from the 1880s or something
fighter stopped abruptly before I could
finish studying the picture and pointed
toward an open doorway to our right he
said this is where the last TV is and it
is exactly like the first one do you
need to stare at it and Cecily or will
the information I have given you be
enough
as he asked this I could literally feel
the sarcasm and frustration pouring out
of him what the fuck is this guy's
problem
I thought to myself then aloud I said
with a forced smile just knowing the
type and where it is will be enough for
me the weirdo
seemed satisfied with my answer and took
me a bit further to a back door flanked
by two more busted out windows he opened
the door and walked through them to the
backyard which was equally to shovel
that's the front ok sir I know you want
the satellite somewhere in the yard so
I'm gonna go ahead and try to find a
signal I'll come knock on the door when
I do and he looked at me and said I'll
stay outside you seem young and I
generally do not trust the youth well I
don't know fuck are you supposed to
respond to that I looked over at mr.
creepy and said ok it's kind of boring
but feel free to watch no other way to
follow someone telling you he doesn't
trust you
well who could blame him I was planning
on saying there wasn't a signal even if
there was one in going home as I started
wandering around the yard hitting random
buttons on my signal finder to further
help my goal of pretending to find a
signal I was able to take in more of my
hosts his eyes an ugly-ass face kept me
from looking at what he was wearing his
clothing looked as worn as he did his
long black coat covered in Irish
pennants and his white button-up shirt
slathered in old stains Jesus this guy
is all sorts of fucked up I thought to
myself as I was wandering around the
yard I also noticed something else that
was a bit suspect every three to five
yards or so there seemed to be little
holes recently covered up it looked like
he was planting a guard
or maybe some trees I would ask but he
was clearly not much of a
conversationalist after about 10 minutes
of drifting around and hitting random
buttons my host the highest never left
me by the way I decided it was now or
never to tell him I had no signal sir
I hate to say this but due to the trees
in the area
I have no line to your providers
satellite to me the only option would be
to remove some of the foliage I was
barely able to finish before the anger
flashed in his big and dead eyes in the
blood rushed to his face again he will
not touch any of my trees they are
precious to me as he screamed this he
closed the ten yard gap between us in
three steps and you will give me my
shows he was so close to me at this
point the lifeless holes on his face
were mere centimeters away okay this was
my final fucking straw with this goddamn
psycho but alas I would lose my gig if I
blew up on one more customer so I took a
deep breath and said of my best customer
service voice I understand you are upset
sir I think the best way to resolve the
dilemma is to try to get my manager out
here when he meets this crazy
motherfucker as I said this better
seemed to calm down in the blood stop
pooling in his face very well but you
must know I care very deeply about my
forest you mustn't the Harma in any way
he said still containing a hint of his
anger what needs to be done next
well I need to go get the proper forms
for you to sign then we can go ahead and
call Jerry my manager and do not worry
about the trees we won't touch them I
said trying not to smirk is this Jerry
as insolent as you and as uncaring about
my forest he asked with heavy disdain I
looked up at him trying with all my
might to not look hissed and said only
slightly sarcastically on my ad not at
all he is a perfect gentleman and he
loves trees I mean the guy has at least
12 in his backyard
somehow this satisfied the tree loving
psycho okay well I'm gonna run over to
my truck and get the forms want me to
meet you inside I asked hope and he says
no and I don't have to go back in that
terrifying place no I will be out here
waiting as he said this he seemed to
route himself on the spot he was
standing like his trees and remain
unmoving I took this as my sign to get
the fuck back to my truck and get
Jerry's fat ass out here not wanting to
go through that Horror Show of a house I
took the long way around the side and
back to the safety of my waiting truck
as I passed the side of the house I saw
something that caught my eye
a massive painting was hung on the wall
possibly being the only object not
completely dilapidated but still very
creepy the painting was of a massive
tree but it looked like all the branches
ended with a human head with no eyes and
dripping out blood but the trunk of the
tree decided it had to outdo the
branches in the most fucked-up contest
ever the trunk was shaped as a man whose
legs were firmly rooted into the ground
it's body straight as an arrow in its
arms held high in the air turning into
the after mentioned branches but the
face of the trunk man took the cake for
the McCobb challenge the mouth was
locked in a permanent scream spewing
rivulets blood that pulled up at the
tree's roots the eyes were wide open
seemingly fixated on the branches above
as if in a trance with the gore stained
scene going on above its head what the
fuck I mumbled to myself if you were
smart Bobby he would leave but alas I'm
a dumb redneck grunt from Little Rock
and I refused to leave until the
paperwork was signed I got bills to pay
so I decided to ignore the mass of
evidence that this place was probably
not too safe and continued on to my
truck as I approached my truck I
couldn't help but notice that it looked
significantly lower now before you have
to ask yes my truck was lifted and I may
or may not be compensating for something
regardless of my inadequacies as I got
closer I saw that my two front tires had
gone flat I said to myself aloud fuck me
sideways
how the fuck come on I nearly yelled the
last fuck but I kept it down so I
wouldn't have to deal with mr. Vidor I
walked over to my now useless vehicle
and inspected the tires and when I
realized what had happened I silently
cursed myself since I was so busy trying
to avoid lugging equipment around I had
not noticed I parked directly on top of
an upraised tree root
now I had to not only make it Jerry come
here but I need him to pick me up some
spares he's going to be pissed I took
one more look at the depressing sight
that was my lifted 24-inch custom tires
and opened the front cab
I started fumbling around my little
folder filled with different paperwork
until I found the right documents
thankfully I had one copy left first
good news of the fucking day a shitty
part of the new signal process is that
Olney the customer to verbally confirm
with my manager that he wants the site
issue confirmed don't ask me why
probably some legal bullshit I started
making my way back to the yard but this
time I took the side that didn't have a
creepy-ass painting on it as I arrived
again to the back yard I couldn't help
but notice the absence of mr. Weiser I
headed towards where he was last
standing maybe he was taking a leak
behind one of his precious trees and God
knows there's no plumbing that horror
show of a house I made my way toward the
end of the yard carefully avoiding the
little mounds and started scanning the
tree line after about thirty seconds I
started to turn away and make the walk
to the front door hoping that he didn't
want me to come inside but as I was
turning I caught a glimpse of something
black billowing about a hundred yards
away in the woods I moved it a bit
closer and further away from the house
and could sort of make out the object it
was biters jacket as I took a closer
look I then saw a black boot only a few
feet from where I was standing in
another roughly thirty yards past that
did this guy just strip down and wander
into the woods
Wow this is it
this is the weirdest fucking day of my
life now you may be thinking why didn't
I book it and flag down their first car
I saw and get the hell out of Dodge
well the answer is I'm an idiot and I'm
curious by nature also I just can't
leave a job it would apparently
jeopardize the trust between my small
company and the big ones we contract for
my next step would be to call Jerry and
figure out what the hell I need to do I
pulled up my phone and hit Jerry's
number as I waited for the familiar
gruff voice to ask what the fuck do you
want the phone cut off I look down at my
screen and saw the dreaded call was lost
tag pop in front of my screen I tried
again but this time it wouldn't even
ring once I started wandering around the
back yard hoping there was a stronger
signal somewhere when finally I gave up
my efforts were fruitless it dawned on
me that Jerry was with one of our new
guys today up near Mountain View about a
hundred miles east of where I was and a
good two-hour drive on top of that the
cell service maybe even worse out there
no other manager was in today even if I
could get service they wouldn't pick up
my only option was to call the dispatch
office for the satellite company the
folks over there have about zero
sympathy for us not completing a job
that was given to us but having someone
at least be aware of my situation may
stop me from being canned I made my way
to the front yard and thankfully found a
single bar of service just in case
I tried Jerry again but nada
I started scrolling through my contacts
lists and found the number I was looking
for started ringing
thank God for small miracles and
thankfully I heard a pleasant
female voice thank you for calling
Northern Star the number one satellite
TV provider in North America how can I
assist you today Wow
almost I'm saying I got to call someone
but no idea what to tell them exactly um
hi I'm a contractor out of Little Rock
and I have a bit of an issue with my
current appointment
I waited for a moment and I heard the
lady sigh and saying an annoyed boys
have you tried calling your manager
these fucking heartless bastards
I need a small amount of assistance but
it's too much of a fucking problem to
take a call SOP dictates you speak to
your manager before calling us and I've
heard it a hundred and fifty times I
wanted to say well you bitch he has no
service I barely got this call going but
instead I tried a more diplomatic
approach I apologize I know this isn't
standard but I cannot reach my boss he
is out of service and I waited praying
she would just have some sympathy in her
heart okay sir I will transfer you to
her area dispatcher prepared to hold and
like that I was sitting here in the
middle of nowhere listening to the soft
melodies of Loggins and Messina while I
waited for my dispatcher the music
abruptly stopped and I heard an equally
Pleasant yet male voice on the other end
this is Jack heard you got a problem out
there in Little Rock thank god this guy
wasn't a dick hey Jack I got some weird
stuff going on out here and I'm
definitely nowhere near Little Rock I'm
in the Ozarks deep down in some
backwards stuck with an mi a customer i
blurt it out oh shit the job number here
it is
3:06 742 I heard Jack typing away at his
keyboard and a few mouse clicks later he
said okay mr. Vidor oh yeah he is
totally out of your work area how'd you
end up out there fucking call out man
I said realizing these phone calls may
be monitored and I should ease up on the
cussing okay so you said he is mi a like
he isn't home no Jack I went to my truck
to grab some stuff and I came back and
this guy was just gone and the weirdest
part though I saw a trail of his clothes
leading out into the forest
like his clothes yeah man his clothes
from what I could see it was his jacket
in both his boots even I started to
think this was made up and no way this
guy believes me well I'm looking through
all my notes here and there is not a
single SOP explaining what to do if a
customer wanders off into the woods but
I am pulling up some satellite images of
the area and I do see a small pond
formation about a half a kilometer away
from his house maybe he went swimming as
he said this I could hear him stifling
his laughter look Jack I know this
sounds crazy but there's a whole bunch
of creepy ass stuff going on around here
the guy is terrifying looking the house
is barren except for an almost 70 year
old Zenith in a ratty ass rocking chair
and not to mention the painting not
replied hearing the frustration in my
own voice painting Jack asked either
moved by my tirade who are trying to
avoid a confrontation with a crazy
person and I couldn't tell but he
definitely sounded less lighthearted
after he asked this I gave him a brief
description of the picture I saw
what the guy looked like even the weird
little mounds and for a fleeting moment
he was silent I don't know how to tell
you this but as long as he wasn't a
danger to you or under the influence of
alcohol you're gonna need the paperwork
signed jack stated matter-of-factly but
to me that would be absurd this whole
situation sounds crazier than a group of
shithouse rats and I think you should
just call it a day I mean I wouldn't
want to be there and I'm sure your
company would let it slide if you said
you felt uncomfortable I like this guy
he didn't just state the guidelines and
hang up he reacted in a logical manner
and said something a non office drone
would say never thought I would meet a
company man who thinks like an actual
person well I'd say that solution would
cover the rest of my problems but I got
another issue my two front tires are
blown and I only have one spare I said
hearing the defeat and my boys don't
worry about it I'll contact a local as
Jack was about to offer me my salvation
from this mess
I heard the high-pitched scream of a
woman coming out of the forest last time
I heard a scream like that
some civvy and Afghanistan found her kid
torn to shreds by an AED Bobby are you
all right
what was that I could hear jack but my
senses were dialed up to ten and I could
feel goose flesh forming on my skin
Bobby did you hear that what the fuck
was that
Jack again but this time I answered some
lady screaming bloody murder right in
the goddamn direction that weirdo walked
him I whispered trying to keep myself
unnoticeable Jack My Mind's telling me
to run down this driveway and don't look
back but if I leave some woman out here
to some horrible fate I'll hate myself
for it
Bobby everything about this place sounds
horrifying but that had to be a neighbor
something I cut Jack short man you got
the sat images there ain't a single
fucking person around here except crazy
eyes out there
he had an upstairs could have been
keeping a chick up there for all we know
and the minute I left he grabbed her and
took her out to the woods to well I
couldn't finish the sentence
I was already all nerves and thinking of
someone getting killed or worse out
there might put me over the edge
jack by the time the cops get out here
if someone's getting hurt I think I need
to go out there I couldn't hear jack on
the other end he was contemplating what
I said if you're dead set on wandering
off into the woods and confronting
whatever is out there go grab your
Bluetooth and bring me along for the
ride I'll try to call the local PD on
the other line Jack said I honestly
thought he would at least try to stop me
okay Jack I will just let me get some
stuff for my truck I responded thankful
I wouldn't be fully alone I made my way
again to my truck and reached under the
seat to grab my piece called me a band
wagon er but I do love me a Glock I put
the gun in the front seat and my
Bluetooth in my ear jack you hear me
I asked these Bluetooth earpieces are
finicky at best and I didn't want to
lose my only companion yeah I got you
are you sure you want to do this now
he's asking yeah man some poor lady
might be getting hurt out there it's my
civic fucking duty
I said trying not to reveal how
terrified I actually was I grabbed the
magazine from the toolbox and started
pushing 40 caliber rounds into it
I slammed that bad boy into the pistol
and pulled the slide back with an
audible click do you have a gun Jack
asked hesitantly you bet your sweet ass
I do
I'm an Arkansas and we actually have the
right to defend ourselves out here I'm
not judging I'm just glad you have some
protection I mean SOP dictates I have
you fired
but the situation seems the call for a
gun thanks jack a hint of a smile
forming on my face as a question formed
in my mind Jack yeah are you in a
cubicle right now I asked thinking of
the irony of a guy wrapped up in his pre
death coffin listening to me and bark on
an adventure or quite PO
or quite possibly my untimely demise
that's really what you're going to ask
me not like hey Jack can you call the
cops or hey Jack can you convince me not
to walk into the scary woods towards a
screaming person or why are you
condoning this Jack Jack blurted out
sounding a bit exasperated I can answer
the last I spent eight years in the Army
and my old lady wanted me to take a desk
job when we had a kid now I'm stuck
rotting away in a desk hoping for just
the taste of something interesting I
felt for the guy I mean I'd rather be in
a temperature-controlled office building
not worrying about monsters or where the
fuck is out here right now but still I'd
probably rather die than have to make
small talk with a bunch of office drones
every day so I guess I'm on the fence
about who has it worse oh and no I'm not
actually in management just took over
for one of the guys who is sick so I'm
not in a cubicle you prick I'm in my own
office I have a window
Jack said triumphantly I couldn't help
but laugh a little looks like this guy
got screwed by a call-out to the walk
from my truck to the edge of the forest
was less than a football field but every
step felt like a mile I could feel my
heart beating in my throat and my
stomach was turning to knots the
perspiration on my forehead started to
drip into my eyes as I made my way
towards the tree line I decided that
maybe talking while I still could would
alleviate some of the fear that was
building up I wiped the sweat away from
my eyes as I said the first thing that
came to my mind so Jack what did you do
in the army I heard a sigh on the other
end of the line and then after OCS I
went straight to job training and civil
affairs then airborne then Air Assault
and lastly Ranger School after four
years I made captain went to psyops and
transferred over to first Special Forces
Command another odd question to ask at a
time like this Bobby the first part
sounded rehearsed probably got asked a
lot yeah I'm just trying to build up
courage here
psyops huh passing out flyers or doing
shady shit I asked hoping I didn't sound
too judgmental with none of the light
hardness I heard him speak before he
stated shady shit all my experiences
with anyone even support personnel and
Special Forces was generally negative
they were always trying to be mysterious
and act like whatever they did was
secretive or
clandestine in reality there was
probably a 23 year old NSA intern with a
pimpled face and thick rimmed glasses
that had more security clearance than
these super soldiers but I like Jack and
I know psyops guys probably really do
some weird shit besides yelling at
Taliban on a loudspeaker so I'd give him
the benefit of a
and Jack continued but I definitely
passed out my fair share flyers on my
first tour with psyops Jack said with a
hint of a laugh he seemed to know a
thing or two about the military you
serve Jack asked yeah man
USMC Oh 311 I said with gusto I heard
another sigh and Jack stated well if you
survive I'll buy you dinner gallon of
blue and a brand-new box of Crayolas
sound good to you I let out a laugh some
of the fear massage and said
lightheartedly fuck you it's not my best
comback but i had just reached the edge
of the forest and the humor I felt
moments ago dissipated and it was
replaced by that stomach nodding fear
all right Jack I just made it to the and
again another ear piercing scream coming
from farther into the woods but unlike
the last this one didn't finish it
seemed to be cut off at the last second
it was time to go and I started running
full tilt into the unknown Bobby
quit running whatever is out there is
going to hear you coming and besides
whoever was screaming it doesn't sound
like they made it
Jack whispered in my ear see that's the
difference between a guy like me and a
guy like Jack I think tactically and in
the short term Jack obviously a strategy
thinker decided that there was no point
risking me or our chance to stop
whatever is out there for someone who
was probably dead fuck it though maybe
this girl is hot and if she ain't too
jacked up I get a blowy out of this I
don't hear you slowing down Bobby yeah
that's because I'm a crayon e and Marine
and I want to kick some another scream
followed by help me please some the rest
is cut off by another scream from the
speaker followed by a vulgar tearing
sound and in noise I can only describe
as a bucket of chum being dumped out on
a dry dock screams this time came from
maybe 30 yards ahead of me but the
sounds had stopped completely making
everything eerily quiet I heeded Jax
advice and slowed my sprint to a walk I
got down and started low crawling to
where I thought the screams came from as
I inched closer I could feel the roots
and sticks making small cuts on my
stomach It was as if the whole force
turned against me but the pain subsided
when I smelled something familiar rusted
copper blood I saw a large tree in my
path and could make out a clearing
beyond the trees massive bass I inch
behind the tree and took a quick glance
into the clearing and I felt bile
reached the back of my throat Weiser had
his back to me as he was lifting up an
axe and bringing it down on the body of
a rather rotund and definitely dead
woman well I guess you're never too fat
to be kidnapped he kept bringing the axe
down over and over again on his ladies
already decimated corpse blood misting
and squirting out all over her newly
opened orifices I also caught a glimpse
of what made the splattering Chum noise
about three feet away from her body it
looked as if her stomach was torn out
and all of her innards were spilled onto
the ground
it was a slimy squirmy mass of
intestines kidneys and other organs all
leaking blood and other fluids the smell
of the blood half digested food and shit
from her punctured colon permeated the
air it was so strong I felt as if I
could taste it
Jack I whispered as quietly as I could
into the Bluetooth this guy disemboweled
a chick and it's chopping her to pieces
jack well he didn't respond for what
felt like 10 years until I heard a quiet
munching and sorry didn't catch that got
bored waiting and grabbed a snack
Snickers really do help hunger pangs you
know fuck Jack I'm out here watching
some woman get butchered by a psychopath
and you're eating a Snickers I whispered
trying my hardest to keep Vidor unaware
of my presence sorry Bobby you weren't
saying much and I needed a snack you're
still alive so nothing too crazy
happened Jax did it matter of factly
avoiding the topic of the horror show in
front of me as he continued also I think
I'm on to something I did some research
while you were fucking around in the
woods and I think I may know what you're
dealing with but you ain't gonna like it
brother I was getting impatient and
trying not to recast my daily egg
mcmuffin so I said as quietly as I could
while expressing my annoyance what just
tell me I doubt I could be more creeped
out than I already him well between the
tree the mounds and mr. tall dark and
terrifying I think you're dealing with
the evil Danish god of the forest Jack
said without a hint of humor what the
fuck are you talking about
I asked incredulously and
simply a bit too loudly because Vidor
suddenly stopped hacking oh shit this is
it this is how I fucking die I thought
to myself but the footsteps and sudden
death never came and the hacking resumed
jack then spoke up that was close
so anyhow I'll explain what I found I
went on to some sort of a cult google
never seen the search engine before but
basically you type in a description of a
monster or whatever shit you're dealing
with and it tells you what it is and I'm
pretty positive from what you've told me
that you're dealing with a Danish forest
God who happens to be an evil prick like
super evil he requires pieces of
thousand corpses to build his army of
humanoid tree monsters so for example if
you were to dig up those little mounds
you saw you would be finding fingers
toes ears and other human parts used as
the seeds to grow his forest friends as
Jack was speaking I poked at a mound too
near my foot as I did the loose pile of
dirt revealed a piece of a human ear or
tongue or something I don't fucking know
I'm not a doctor anyway Jack continued
next up is what he looks like see his
body is a tree per se but it's a tree
with a face screaming his commands and
looking to the heavens
oh yeah there's severed heads on the
tips of its branches that spouts blood
to help his tree babies grow does any of
this sound familiar
Jack stated almost sounding amused sick
fuck I thought to myself aloud I
whispered so Vidor is some sort of a nut
serial killer trying to complete his
masterpiece of a god he worships
after asking I took another peek beyond
the tree and saw a fighter bend over and
pick up the lady's head he then walked
over to the other side of the clearing
and pulled out a massive ladder while
balancing the blood-soaked head under
his arm every time I looked out from my
little cover it seemed as if there was
more in more blood I would say it was
just from that chick's cup and body but
it seemed as if the whole clearing was
covered in fresh undisturbed pools of
blood and that's when I realized I hid
behind the wrong fucking tree I looked
up and saw the backs of hundreds of
several heads if I didn't see that
painting I would have thought they
looked like coconuts but I knew better
and as this solidify what I was seeing
was real a huge glob of blood spewed out
of one of the heads and landed in the
clearing with an audible splat so here I
was in the middle of the Ozarks leaning
against some crazy effigy of a forgotten
God with a psycho no more than 15 feet
away from me lugging around a head this
is top 5 of the worst positions I have
ever been in Jack then spoke up on the
headset hey so there is something else
in case your day wasn't already ruined
apparently bursts stuck that's the God
by the way as a sidekick that he grants
immortality to for their service the
servant is described as being of great
heights little girth and eyes as black
as coal and that the scribe spider right
I swear
Jack sounded almost excited about all of
this
I took a quick glimpse into the clearing
and Vidor was failing at his balancing
act and trying with great intensity to
grasp both the latter
I took his moment of distraction and
slowly made my way back towards where I
came from to get a safer vantage point
Jack I made it back about 20 yards can
you do me a favor and call the cops I
don't think I could do much more for
that lady I whispered
still trying to keep quiet yeah just
gonna further ruin your day I've tried
about five times already each time I try
reaching the town you're in the collar
goes dead I tried calling the police out
here in Manhattan see if they could do
anything and they laughed and told me
they can't do much for somebody in the
middle of the Ozarks I think you may be
on your own well except for me buddy if
it's any consolation and you get killed
by some crazy devil worshiper or his pet
tree god I'll avenge you okay jack is
either the comest motherfucker on the
planet or he truly is enjoying all of
this so what's the hell should I do jack
and why the hell are you so calm
Jack took a deep breath and spoke calmly
almost coldly put two rounds in his
chest and one in his head
I highly doubt this guy or his tree or
actually anything supernatural just a
nutjob who was obsessed with Danish
folklore and to answer your question I
spent a large amount of my life fighting
some of the most violent despicable
terrasse on the planet some lady getting
her guts spilled out and a skinny weirdo
serial killer cutting people's heads off
isn't too far from the shit I've seen
goddamn this dude is hard I thought to
myself probably the best dispatcher I
could have had today
they're loud I asked ok but if they are
you know supernatural once again in that
cold voice Jack spoke up heard the
article on these guys you will need to
set the flame the old God burst stuck
and the servant will again be mortal so
sober stuck on fire before he comes
alive and then shoot fighter easy easy
damn but this gung-ho as army man
wouldn't be so tough if he were here
facing this thing alone but he sounds
confident I gotta have some faith I
thought to myself I closed my eyes and
kept my back to my new cover you gonna
do this kit just go up there
tell him the freeze and put a few rounds
in him when the cops finally show up
just say he charged you oh yeah I should
mention this call isn't being monitored
and you probably shouldn't mention parts
of this conversation happening Jack said
okay I'm ready to put this asshole down
and get the hell out of here
I said hoping I sounded less terrified
than I actually felt you got this buddy
jack said trying to motivate me I
started back towards the clearing with
the nightmarish theme and a rotting pile
of innards as quietly as I could as I
got closer I could see vite her on his
ladder fumbling to place the head on top
of a branch if it wasn't so horrifying
to look at he would think he was an
ordinary guy just putzing around his
backyard not a sociopath burying and
hanging parts of desecrated corpses I
gathered up what was left of my shot
nerves and bellowed
hey dick bag Vidor turned his head
toward me as I snuck up behind him get
down off the ladder slowly and once you
hit the ground turn around and put your
hands up I felt and sounded like a
testosterone-fueled cop it was almost as
cool as being a testosterone-fueled
marine but instead of listening to me
fighter hopped down off the ladder and
turned to face me with the devilish
sneer he said is my TV ready Kaiba boy
he laughed that might perplex look what
you think I should fear you and your
mortal weapons as he was speaking he
started toward the axe that was resting
between us Lord basta granted me the
gift of an unending life as long as I
facilitated his rebirth in our world and
assisted him in becoming the ruler of
the forests once more he was no less
than five feet from the axe when I
yelled I'm warning you nutjob do not
take one more step I will fucking spray
your goddamn tree puppet with your
fucking brain matter in my ear a jack
shouted nice line nice lie where did you
hear that a movie ignoring the psycho in
my ear canal and keeping focus on the
psycho reaching for the axe in front of
me I took a few steps back so to avoid
any axe wings
if fighter reaches for it
you're a full of boy I have been
rebuilding the garden tuber stuck for
over a century many mortals have tried
to stop me with their bodies and their
glorious life's blood belong to my Lord
and soon burst Ducks revival will be
completed but you never bask in the
glory of my Lord for I shall bring down
his justice and let his children bathe
in your blood as he said this he charged
forward reaching for the axe I warned
him not to move but he made his choice
I felt the Welcome feeling of the gun
recoiling in my hand and the vibrations
that sent up my arm my aim was a bit off
but all three rounds found a home the
first two ripped into his stomach
filling the already stinking clearing
but the smell of rotted meat and fecal
stew the third snapped his head back as
a bird its way between those black as my
eyes fulfilling my promise of spraying
his precious tree with his brain matter
in skull fragments fighter crumbled in a
heap on the ground
adjacent to the leftover pieces of the
girl he butchered from earlier I heard a
crackling on the Bluetooth is he dead
jack asked again with a ice cold boys he
Downes when he's talking about taking
lives and stacking bodies that was
pretty sure but I started walking over
to make certain not be facing
manslaughter charges in my near future I
was a foot away when fighters hand
bolted out and grabbed my ankle pain
shot out my leg and his grip like a bear
trap bang bang I put two more rounds in
his skull which caused his head to once
again violently flail backwards smashing
into the ground but his fucking hand
stood strong I reached down and grabbed
the axe and took a powerful downward
swing severing his bone
appendage and releasing the pressure on
my ankles I don't know if it was the
adrenaline or the fear but one thing I
finally noticed was that he wasn't
bleeding five bullets and it attached
hand but barely any blood just a small
trickle from the axe wound I swear I saw
brain and skull fly out when I popped
him in the head jack
he isn't fucking bleeding I put five
freaking rounds in his asshole and
chopped off his hand
just a few drops I said desperately
trying to express my confusion from what
I can read the servant will drain all
his blood to feed the early parts of
burst ox development jack said finally
with a hint of worry in his voice uh
Bobby I think this might be the real
thing as Jack spoke the last word biters
eyes turned towards me as the holes in
his face healed themselves he let out a
guttural laugh and roared
I have already proclaimed I have been
given the gift of immortality by the
great Lord burdock and no corporeal
weapons and scathed me
if you hurt him and he stays down for a
minute
do something and get the fuck out of
there Jack yelled through the headset
and he was right I picked up the axe
before a fighter could make a move and
brought it down onto his skull splitting
it almost clean in half
I saw as what was left of his brain
matter spill out onto the forest floor
no way he's getting up from that anytime
soon I said into the mic I cut that
fuckers head clean in half
still instead of admiring your morbid
handiwork why don't you get the fuck out
of there Jack yelled into my ear he was
right and I started booking it through
the woods hopefully towards my truck and
the large can of gasoline and I keep in
the bed even though I was at most 200
yards away from my truck my swollen
ankle kept me from getting there quick
fighter was probably already healed up
and fixin to feed me to his tree luckily
I had Jack help me keep my shit straight
as I made my way back to my waiting Ram
1500 when I made it to the yard I went
around the side with the painting and
made sure to give bursts of the bird and
said I'm gonna burn you down
motherfucker
and all your little tree babies oh and
your servant fighter I'm gonna gut him
slow just you wait talking to a painting
Bobby Jack chirped in my ear you may
need some therapy when all this is said
and done way ahead of you
apparently I PTSD not responded
don't we all Jack said with a bit of
humor in his voice while we were talking
I made it back to the RAM and started
sifting through all my junk looking for
my gas cam I found it
I said triumphantly and my lucky lighter
is in the dash
Jack I may not die today you should set
your standards a bit higher and let's
hold off from celebrating until you ice
the tree monster and a sidekick you
heard Jack asked yeah I heard I
responded slightly annoyed he wouldn't
let me have at least a second to chill
but then I grinned to myself as I pulled
out the naked woman shaped lighter I've
had since I was 18 it was the last
birthday gift I got from my pops yeah he
was the kind of guy that buys his son at
it covered lighter that has nipples that
glow in the dark I love my pops all
right Jack I'm taking the long walk back
hopefully I don't run into the guy if
you do just put a few bullets in him and
keep moving Jack said back with that
frigid voice of his I started my way
back towards that god-awful scene in the
woods doing my best to remain quiet and
unseen the pain in my ankle subsided or
my mind gave up I'm trying to tell me to
lay off of it for a while so I was able
to move a bit quicker
my ultimate goal was to get back there
and find water still spit open like a
pinata I made it to about ten feet out
when I saw familiar semi-nude man
standing in the clearing as if he was
waiting for me I guess no luck on him
still spilling guts on the dirt
Jack fuck faces standing again I'm going
to pop a few more rounds in him maybe
hack off a foot now don't waste any time
man who knows how close burst luck is
the coming back put around invite her
skull and set that goddamn tree on fire
jack commanded he was right I charged
forward and before Vidor could react I
placed another round between that little
shit sighs he crumbled back to the
ground and just for shits and giggles I
grabbed the ax and swung it right back
into his skull I turned around to face
the nightmare tree and tried to figure
out how to go about burning down this
monster Bobby from what I could tell all
you got to do is set the trunk on fire
and that should take care of it Jack
instructed from the head set also it
says something in the article you should
probably hear do not speak to the old
God because he can and will bend your
will to his purpose so don't talk to the
tree great I'm gonna get Jedi mind
fucked from a talking tree can't wait to
tell my shrink and that's when I first
saw this thing's face it was just like
the painting but more expressive angrier
I started pouring the gas at the base of
the tree trunk which added another
wonderful smell to this already shit and
death filled clearing as I poured the
last of the gas on Thurber stuck he
decided then he was going to speak up
hello Robert his voice sounded like
Barry White after a bout of laryngitis
why do you attack me why have you heard
my faithful servant we meant you no harm
all we want is to bless the world with
my glory I looked at the old gods face
while he was talking but not once did I
see his mouth move
It was as if he was speaking in my mind
don't talk to him Bobby just light him
up and go home I thought to myself then
his voice spoke up again Robert you have
accomplished nothing since leaving your
warrior class I can grant you
immortality and a life of bliss new
woman every day your coffers filled with
limitless gold and power over all other
men take my route and drink deeply from
my life's blood and your every desire
will be fulfilled as he said this a
spigot formed on his trunk directly in
front of my face Jack the tree is
talking I mumbled don't listen Bobby
Jack yelled from the headset
he is just distracting you he doesn't
need to slaves think about it as Jack
was yelling I felt myself drawn to the
spigot shaped root protruding from bear
stalks body fight it Bobby don't be a
goddamn window licker for some reason
being accused of licking windows pulled
me back to reality and it was almost too
late
Vidor was sneaking up behind me with the
same axe I split his skull with twice at
the last second I dodged his swing by
jumping backwards into bush dock as I
felt the axe white past my face as I
dodged the attack
I dropped my lighter into a tangle of
burst ox roots I was able to lift up my
40 and pull the trigger four times but
only three rounds came out of the barrel
the last got jammed in the chamber I
watched as one of the bullets struck
right where his heart should be but this
time Vidor didn't even go down he
stumbled slightly and move closer
laughing maniacally the whole time
fool burr stock is close to being
completed and his power has fuelled me
to unprecedented strengths now be still
and I will end this quick Vidor
proclaimed okay then do me a favor and
answer me two questions and I won't
fight anymore I said in my most defeated
voice fighter seemed to ignore my
request until let him speak my faithful
servant burr stock boomed his weapon has
seized to be useful and can do us no
harm
his begging for life will amuse me I
heard in my ear what are you doing
run he can't be that fast Jack begged
ignoring Jack I got on to my knees and
discreetly grabbed my lighter while
feigning injury dying on your knees now
pathetic fighter mocked ask your
questions and be done with it
I looked the fighter and his dead eyes
and asked why would you ever let me
distract you
as I asked Vidor this question I hit the
starter on my pops old lighter endo
forward as I felt my ass being scorched
from the burning gasoline fumes an
unholy scream erupted in my head causing
my ears to ache in my head to spin I
will tear you limb from limb I will come
back and take your head as my first
burst thought couldn't finish his
sentence because the flames reached his
face I saw as the bark that was his
flesh char and burnt the hole while he
was screaming in my head I was able to
shake off the shock and turn my
attention back to biter
hopefully he was no longer immortal he
just stood there staring at his master
with tears welling up in his eyes why
have you done this you could have been a
part of the Great Lord burst stock but
you have slain him but her cried my last
act as his servant will be to avenge him
and take the life of before I let this
asshole finish his sentence I unlike
Locke and shot him in the stomach just
so I get the chance to watch him die
slow I looked down a biter and it seemed
the spell or whatever it was wearing off
because he looked like he was in pain
his intestines were spilling out of the
gaping wound and his gut and I finally
saw the right amount of blood starting
to pool in the dirt in a weak voice he
said my whole life in servitude to my
Lord ended by a low man a servant
as he spoke I saw blood trickle out the
side of his mouth I guess a bullet
fragment ended up in his lungs I felt
now was the right time to ask my last
question oh yeah
before I forget and before you die why
didn't you order satellite TV
I asked hoping that I would find out why
I was out here in the first place
fighter smiled the bloody smile looked
me in my eyes and said softly I I missed
the view that Raven Symone is a hoot
and I thought my opinion of this
pathetic shit couldn't get any lower but
when he said the view was the reason my
ass was out here I emptied the rest of
my magazine into his skull spraying his
fucking brains for the last time onto
the forest floor Jack it's over
the tree is burning up and vidor emptied
his insides on the ground if it wasn't
for you buddy
I never had made it I owe you a drink
brother I said into the mic
so in ancient god and his undying
servant killed by an out-of-shape former
marine turned cable technician who the
hell would have thought Jack said I'm
glad you're okay buddy but it looks like
the local PD finally noticed they gave
me a holler on the other line and the
friggin Chief of Police gave me a
serious tongue lashing yelling about the
crazy nut blasting off rounds into the
woods fuck I'm about 85% positive I just
saved the world and I'm probably gonna
be arrested for murder I complained if
it makes you feel better I'll probably
get popped for helping your ass out so
want to be prison roomies jack asked
with a hint of humor and I grunted in
response as I heard the distant sirens
oh well at least I won't have to install
cable anymore
