I’m Al Packah, and this is today’s Off the Wild.
On Wednesday, game developer Epic went full on bananna in the tailpipe on Apple
when they remotely activated a hidden App Store in their mega popular game Fortnite
which is totally against the rules and they totally knew it.
Apple responded with a friendly chuckle and a gentle admonishment
oh who the *BLEEP* am I kidding
they nuked Fortnite from the App Store quicker than Sir Jony Ive could say Al-ew-min-ium.
Al-ah-min-ium
Hey Jony
it’s been a year since you left Apple so, um,
how’s that, uh, LoveFrom design thingy coming along?
Al-ah-min-ium
That’s great Jony.
Epic was, like, so totally taken off guard by the, uh, like, the totally unexpected move from Apple
they, uh, like totally had no response.
for two minutes.
They then uploaded a slick as hell video
that they totally just happened to have lying around
and, wouldn’t you know it
lucky for them the video just happened to be a parody of Apple’s own infamous 1984 commercial.
In another stroke of good fortune for the mischievous developer
they just happed to have a lawsuit ready to file against Apple for removing their game from the iOS App Store!
I mean what are the odds?
Sometimes it’s better to be lucky than good, Johnny.
Epic claims it’s not fair for Apple to control
the only App Store on Apple’s platform,
and if THEY were the ones in charge
they would
totally open it up, so that
developers could do whatever they wanted
for free!
However
Epic already runs their own store and
they also make the
Unreal Engine game development system
that
many developers rely on.
When it was pointed out to Epic that
they,
same as Apple,
charge developers a fee
to be on the Epic Store
as well as a fee to use
‘Unreal Engine’
and at times
have been accused of
using their
considerable power in the gaming industry to
bully small developers.
Epic CEO Tim Sweeney responded
by making fart noises with his armpit.
(fart sound)
Epic also pulled the
exact same stunt on the Google Play store,
with the exact same results
minus the slick video
but
Google's boring, so
nobody cares.
You may be wondering who OTW hopes will win this
Epic battle of the titans,
(laughs)
to which we say
as long as the price of beer doesn’t go up,
(bottles clink together)
what’d we care?
The Epic Apple Slapfight
comes on the heels of a
congressional antitrust hearing
in which the CEO’s of four of the top tech companies in the world
were grilled Hollywood Squares style
on the anticompetitive practices of their respective companies.
The CEO’s that went through this zoomified rectal exam
were, Apple’s Tim Cook,
Amazon’s Jeff Bezos,
Google’s Sundar Pichai,
and
The Dark Lord of Facebook himself,
Mark
Zuckerberg (lightning sound)
For five and a half short hours
the tech overlords were
questioned by members of congress
and, uh,
one angry Redditor looking for Tech Support
And my parents who have a Gmail account
aren't getting my campaign emails
If you missed the hearings,
because you’re a mostly normal, non-crazy person
(heartbeat sound) who despite a soul crushing pandemic,
that has you staring at the walls of your own personal hell,
day after day,
until
all you wanna do
is rip out your own heart with your bare hands
(sigh)
(clears throat)
well
if not even THAT could make you watch a congressional hearing,
well then,
OTW has you covered with our
‘We’re smarter than you so just take our word for it summary’
Let’s get cracking!
The reason Google
sucks up all our data
like a Mardi Gras hooker on Adderall,
is because Privacy is the most important thing to them.
Wait, what?
I've always believed that privacy is a universal right
and we've long supported
the creation of comprehensive federal privacy laws
Our utmost care is ensuring privacy
we have to be focused on privacy
to drive the change forward
we obviously want to make sure we protect the privacy
of users there.
Facebook isn’t Twitter!
It was reported that Donald Trump Jr got taken down
for a period of time
Why did that happen?
(Zuckerberg responding off camera)
Congressman, well
first to be clear I think what you might be referring to
to happened on Twitter
so it's hard for me to speak to that.
Jeff Bezos isn’t really sure how Amazon works.
(Bezos off camera) I don't know the
direct answer to your question
(stammers) I, I, don't know
I don't know.
I don't know the specifics of that situation.
Uh
i don't know the answer to that question.
Um,
I don't know if it's required I think we often have it,
but i don't know.
Uh,
I don't know the answer your question.
And last but not least,
Apple invented software downloads in the year of our Lord, 2008.
2008 we knew the distribution options
for software developers at the time
didn't work well brick and mortar stores
charged high fees and had limited reach
physical media like cds had to be
shipped and were hard to update
from the beginning the app store was a
revolutionary alternative
that's right you whiny ungrateful
developers
stop complaining or uncle timmy will
send you back to the shelves of
comp usa oh and all that software you
downloaded on the internet before 2008
yeah that doesn't count because
um and that's everything you missed
we promise as an added bonus here is the
official otw takeaway from the
proceedings
why did that happen
turning to the world of sports trevor
lawrence
justin fields and other top college
football stars
were in the news last week as they
attempted to save the fall
2020 college football season in a sign
of unity
star players from each of the power 5
conferences
outlined the conditions needed for the
players to be on board with
a college football season in the fall
they launched the gorilla campaign
with the hashtag we want to play and it
immediately caught fire amongst the
college football fan
faithful football fans far and wide
rushed to support the
we want to play movement screaming from
the top of the social media hilltops
that the players opinions were the only
ones that really mattered
and we must listen to their pleas in
related news
hundreds of thousands of college
football fans were sent rushing to
emergency rooms across the nation
with what doctors describe as a severe
case of
hot take whiplash the condition was
brought on by the
sudden and violent switch from a
player's need to shut up and play
hot take during the black lives matter
protests too
you need to listen to the players so i
can have my football
hot take the body was never meant to
handle such extreme jumps and righteous
anger
one doctor responded anonymously while
the condition
is serious according to specialists most
cases
can be cured by administering large
doses of bourbon
in a steady stream of fox news despite
the valiant efforts by lawrence and
fields
the football season for some has sadly
ended before it began
one week after releasing their pandemic
modified fall schedules the pac-12 and
the
b b-1
g how the hell am i supposed to
pronounce that have now canceled their
respective fall football seasons
both conferences stated player safety
was their highest priority
which is why they made the painful
decision to move the 2020 season to the
spring
however some experts are concerned
playing eight or more games in the
spring with a
quick turnaround to play 10 to 15 games
the following fall
doesn't allow for enough recovery time
considering
the violent toll the sport takes on the
players bodies
when asked about this conference
officials responded
um a lot of other stuff happened last
week but it's gotta be after five
somewhere and
maybe i need to get my llama on off the
wild is
aiming for multiple episodes a week and
hopefully we'll have the schedule worked
out soon
ish but in the meantime just hit
subscribe and that
stupid little bell to be sure you don't
miss out on a llama stuff
see what it did there and remember if
off the wild didn't tell you about it
it's it's probably because we're lazy
why did that happen
