 
### Table of Contents

Title Page

Introduction

Chapter 1 - Religion & Clergy Jokes

Just a Small Sin

Career Opportunities

The Confession

A Short Debate

Little Red Wagon *

A Special Gift

A Sign from God

Faithful Bras

Christmas Tradition

Dixie Christmas

Old Pecan Tree

One Last Chance

Faith Healer

Appropriate Responses

Horse Sense

Just a Small Fib

God Will Provide

My Wife is Poisoning Me

Important to Abstain

Armed with the Scripture

Bad Language *

Theology and Technology

I'm Not Afraid

I'm Not Talking

Good News and Bad News

Holy Water **

Taxi Driver's Fantasy **

A Fair Reward

Theology of Health

Taking Care of the Car

Identity Crisis

It's a Sin

For Medicinal Purposes Only

Word Association

Letter from Grandma

Bad Shot

A Biased Perspective

Dogs and Cats

Limited Experience

Successful Son

I Won't Tell

Illegimate Gains

Trip to Rome

A Fitting Eulogy

Dark in Here

The Big Golf Match

Progressive Priest

The Jackass and the Mayor

The Best Gift

Priests on Vacation

Who Was That?

Evil Spirits

Damned Fine Sermon

Just a Little Gas

Drunken Confession

Television Evangelist

No Comparison

Collar on Backwards

Your Weight and Fortune

Remember Psalm 129

Babtizing the Drunk

A Very Important Person

Not to Worry

Afflicted with Arthritis

A Long Life Ahead

Heavenly Golf

Bad Brothers

I'm Going to be Sick

Penance by the Numbers **

Where is He Today?

Pick Three Hymns

God Looks After Me

Revised Wedding Vows

Three Nuns on a Walk

Guardian Angel

Get Out of My Church

Money from God

Our Daily Bread

Rules for Monks

Nuns at a Football Game

Lucky Leprechaun

Walk of Faith

Impulse Purchase

Bound for Heaven

Monk Test of Purity *

Christmas Coercion

Meet the Family

The Church Budget *

Donkey Dilemma *

Four Catholic Sons *

Did God Make You?

Blind Man and the Nun

Making the Most of Your Time

The Union Worker

Makes Big Money

Only One Explanation

Close Enough

Pious Parrots

Final Arrangements

Four Conditions

Just Like You Said

Crossword Puzzle *

Mommy's Busy

Valiant Service

Vulgar Parrot *

Atheist and the Bear

Cheese from Heaven

Blind Golfers

Making Your Prayers Count

The 11th Commandment

Leprechaun Bet *

How Did You Know?

The Redneck and the Nun **

Praying for Money

Wrong Religion

Financial Responsibility

Late for Church

Is He Dangerous?

Don't Talk in Church

Dead Seagull

Talkative Pediatrician

The Maligned Preacher

The Blonde Nun

His Last Request

A Matter of Faith

No Vacancy

Brotherly Love

Everyone's Falling Down

The Greatest Man

Mass Hypnosis

Buying Train Tickets

Renounce Satan

Brother Sebastion

The Parking Ticket

Jewish Lawyer's Son

So Far I'm Doing Alright

In Lieu of Prayer

Visiting Pastor

The Conversion

Can I Use the Car

Biblical PMS

Grave Side Service

The Key to Heaven **

Learning English

Rabbi Does Confession

Nuns at the Zoo

Nuns and the Vanpire

The Collection Money

Sisters of Mercy Brothel

A Candle for Fertitity

Jehovah's Witness

Immaculate Conception **

The Dog's Funeral

Nun and the Camel **

Another Miracle

Rabbi Gives Last Rites

Two Beggars

Perfect Penance

Nuns Eating Dogs

Sex Before Mass

Bible Belt Blasphemy

Praying for Help

Hiding from the Nazis

Deserter and the Nun *

The New Preacher

The Best Toast

The Pope and the Queen

Confessional Tips

Irish Confession

The Rabbi's Son

The Chruch Steeple

The Pope's Camera *

Five Year Old Drinker

Rednecks and Religion

Easter Admonishment

Drinking is a Sin

Blessing Race Horses

The Church Organist

Merciful God

It Pays to Advertise

The Hat Check Girl

Lesson on the Mountain

Rich TV Evangelist

Hit the Ball and Pray

Church or Golf

Pedestrians and Catholics

Church Bells

Forgive Your Enemies

Helpful Faith Healer

Resourceful Nun

The IRS Auditor

John Fluff *

A Parking Space for Pedro

The Church Gossip

Dust to Dust

Golfing Miracle

What is Your Name?

Say the Blessing

The Red Sea Mission

Easter Dress

Making Faces

A Portrait of God

Sulfuric Acid

Chapter 2 - Robot, Alien & Space Jokes

Alien Encounter *

Robot Bartender

When on Mars *

Robot Caddy

Urgent Military Update

Robot Colonel

Blonde Space Travel

Robotic Motel **

Space Age Technology

Moon Walk **

Chapter 3 - Sales & Office Jokes

Super Salesman

What Did I Say? *

Tough Business Decision

Corporate Boat Race

The Insurance Salesman

The Sales Contest **

Been There Done That

Your Hair Smells Nice *

You're Fired

Labor Negotiations

Terrible Work History

Three Envelopes

New Employee

Late for Work Again

Good Business Strategy

Lazy Workers

The Corporate Ladder

The Union Worker

Fishing Gear

Programmer's Interview

Farm Football *

Vacuum Cleaner Salesman

Reasonable Precautions *

No Sense of Humor

The Tractor Salesman

Robotic Motel **

The Bedbug Incident

Sexually Related Problem **

Performance Quantified

Final Job Interview

New Element

Am I Your First?

Traveling Salesman

Sporting Goods Salesman

Mail Room Reject

Unusual Ailment

Are Your Folks at Home?

The Monkey Tree *

Not the Bad News

John Dunn

Resourceful Executive

Furniture Salesmen *

She's a Real Doll

Senior Citizen Jokes

Longevity Study

Memorial Stone

Fiftieth Anniversary

A Little Bit Embarrassed

What's Up Doc

Old Pecan Tree

Crude Production

Armed with the Scripture

Worried Sick

Exciting Experiences *

The Old Woman and the Lamp

Have a Ball

Reduced Dosage

Justifiable Crime

Being Successful

Retirement

The Man of Your Dreams

For Medicinal Purposes Only

Three Elderly Sisters

A Sad Story

Honest Abe

Proof of Purchase

Word Association

Letter from Grandma

Dangerous Food

Richly Adorned

Motherly Love

Complete Coverage

Doctor's Orders

Keep Your Motor Running

Good Morning

So That's What Happened

What's Wrong Now?

Delayed Reaction *

May It Rest in Peace *

I Can't Thank You Enough

Old Biker Chick

Two Tickets Please

Always Good News

A Sensible Solution

A Terrific Combination

The Best Gift

Failing Eyesight

Just to be Safe

Dating Advise

True Love

Senior Moments

A New Hat

Reminiscing

The Kids are Coming

Television Evangelist

Smoking in the Rain

Flower Show

Taxed to the Limit

Aging Romance

Grandma's 100th Birthday

Wild Thing

Unusual Reaction

Whatcha Got There?

Pick Three Hymns

God Looks After Me

I Can Guess Your Age

A Pair of Bad Memories

Can You Hear Me Now?

Rocking on the Porch

As the Worm Turns

I'm Coming Back

Do You Know Who I Am?

A Post Turtle

Crazy Drivers

Lab Test Specimens

Nonfatal Gun Shot Wound

Baseball in Heaven

The Phantom Flasher **

It's Too Late Now

Teenage Clerk

The Peanut Jar *

Customer Service **

Impulse Purchase

Just Showing Off

Lottery Tickets **

The Old Explorer

Fifty Years of Bad Sex

A Small Sample *

Myna Bird

Did God Make You?

New Hearing Aid

Valuable Information

Lost in the Park

Sharing a Meal

Bragging Vets

Dangerous City Streets

Comfortable Dentures

Elderly Neighbor

Diet Supplement

Expensive Movie

Fountain of Youth

Something in Your Ear

Embarrassing Question

Senior Marriage Proposal

Diplomatic Analogy

Simple Mental Quiz

An Expensive Funeral

The Old Gunfighter

Vulgar Parrot *

Goodbye Old Friends **

Making Your Prayers Count

Expensive Perfumes

The Dress of Love

Elderly Wedding

Nudist Colony Signals *

Walking the Patient

A Disgraceful Sight

Healthy Family

The Aging Process

Four Old Golfers

The Old Groom

Old Couple and the Cop

Belated Divorce

Plenty of Time

Elderly Mother

Old Man on the Bus

Senior Citizen Bus Tour *

Sheer Lingerie

Grandma's Advise *

Adjustable Face Lift

Social Security *

Elderly Virgin *

What Does That Mean **

Saving it Up

Almost Every Night

Wrinkle Removal

Sex Exercise Therapy **

Birth Control Pills

Sex Drive Adjustment

Take in a Boarder

Nursing Home Quickie **

Visiting Her Grave

A Terrible Loss

Guess My Age

Great Cruise *

Drumming Up Business

One Thing at a Time

Old Gynecologist

Energency Medical Call

Feed the Cat

Dangerous Situation

Elderly Fire Fighters

Be Discreet

Eighty Year Old Golfer

Three Old Golfers

Hey Crisco

The Afterlife

How Many Riders?

A Point of Clarification

I've Lost My Grandpa

Take Every Four Hours

Old Veterans Claim

Fresh Meat

Gave Up Bowling for Sex

Shock Therapy

Cloudy Urine Sample

Old Man at the Beach

The Physical Exam

A Matter of Perspective

For Old Times Sake **

Cows and Aliens

It's Just Not Fair **

A Sccrote *

Church Bells

Forgive Your Enemies

Down for the Count

Frivolous Old Gal

At Your Age

Senior Scam

Jewish Nursing Home *

Scotch and Water

A Little Added Spice **

Two Old Guys

A Long Life

Quality Health Care

Golfing Miracle

Supermarket Shoplifter

Horny Old Drunks

Peace and Quiet

Terry's Joke Collection

#

# Terry's Joke Collection

# Volume VIII

Religion to Senior Citizen Jokes

# Terry Eade

Copyright 2017 Terry Eade

Smashwords Edition

ISBN 9781370217465
Introduction

Illustration by Terry Eade

This is the eighth of nine volumes of Terry's Joke Collection. The collection has been broken up into separate volumes to keep each book under a thousand pages. This has been done for storage and data transmission purposes. There are fifty-two chapters, with each chapter covering a specific category of jokes. This makes it easier to find a joke, which fits the occasion or topic.

Each joke has a title and is listed in the table of contents in the appropriate chapter so that it can be accessed directly by just clicking on its title. Jokes are also annotated to let the reader know if it is appropriate for the occasion or audience where you are telling the joke. This scale is explained at the beginning of each chapter. Although the number of chapters in each volume range from three to ten, most of the volumes contain about the same number of jokes. A complete listing of all volumes in this series is provided at the end of this book.

The advantage of having these books in electronic format is that you can view them on your smart phone, tablet, ebook reader, or computer. You can specify the size of the print they will appear in, so they are easy for you to read. You can also use your device's ebook reader software to electronically bookmark a joke you want to quickly access. Because they are stored as books in your mobile device library you can have them with you wherever you go, without needing a wi-fi connection, a cell phone connection, or using any of your data allowance.

The size and weight of this information in traditional print books would take a whole suitcase to store and that suitcase would weigh a ton. Now you can have thousands of jokes with you on your phone. So you should never have to apologize because you can't remember a great joke you would like to tell or forget the punch line of one you are trying to tell from memory.

Even if you're not the type of person who enjoys telling jokes, you will get hours of enjoyment reading those provided in this book and the other eight volumes of the Terry's Joke Collection series. Also. if you are like me, you will find your favorites and enjoy reading them over and over. When I am telling jokes to my friends they will have their favorites and request them for any new person in the group or just to hear them again. Virtually any time I am telling jokes to my friends they will say "Tell the one about the Foreign Legion captain and the camel, the taxidermist in the redneck bar, or the general and the motor pool." The titles of the jokes are descriptive, but designed to not give away the punch line of the joke.

Those reading solely for entertainment should make sure they take note of the joke rating notations explained at the beginning of each chapter. This way they are warned in advance that a joke may be racier or raunchier than they would like. Just as I do not want to offend my audience when telling a joke, I do not want to offend my readers by having them read a joke which might offend, shock, or embarrass them.

My collection of jokes started at a very young age. When I was just seven years old, my sixteen-year-old cousin would tell me jokes while we were riding the tractor together on his parents' farm in Michigan. He told me about the facts of life so I could understand the humor in the jokes. These "facts" were quickly validated, by watching the animals on the farm.

Since I had been exposed to a great number of more sophisticated jokes than my grade school companions, I became the one to tell jokes in the school yard. Because I was an army brat, and attended more schools than grades as I moved to new cities, states, and countries, I became the Johnny Appleseed of joke telling.

When I went to college my joke telling paid off in other ways. As long as I would tell jokes to my friends and classmates at the local college tavern, they would buy me beer. Since I was working my way through college, free beer was a great luxury as well as a vital part of the college experience.

Later, when I began teaching college courses, giving seminars, accepting speaking engagements, and serving as the MC at various functions, my jokes would often spice up otherwise dull subjects and events. Having a love of telling jokes and a very good memory, I retain the jokes and can still tell thousands from memory. My ability to do this is based on a trick I learned about public speaking. That trick is not to memorize the joke word for word, but to just remember the concept and the punch line and wing the rest. I also embellished my joke telling skills by adopting various accents and sound effects, which fit with the joke I was telling.

Whenever I told jokes in an informal setting, my companions would also share their favorite jokes and I would add those to my collection. Friends and relatives, who knew I was always looking for a new joke, emailed a great number of my jokes to me. As a result, my collection has grown so large that it takes nine volumes to tell them all. If you find a joke that is not included in my collection, please send it to me at teade@mac.com.

Although I have made up a few of the jokes in my collection, most of them are in the public domain. So, although the books are copyrighted, the jokes are not. Being an amateur cartoonist, I have also drawn all of the illustrations in the books and these are copyrighted as well.

All nine volumes of Terry's Joke Collection, as well as several other books I have authored, are available online from Barnes & Noble, the Apple iBookstore, Amazon.com, or directly from the publisher at smashwords.com (where I get a bigger royalty). Just go to any of those sites and search for "Terry Eade." 

# Chapter 1

# Religion & Clergy Jokes

#

Illustration by Terry Eade

Some of the jokes in this chapter may appear in other chapters. For example a joke about a preacher in a casino may appear here and in the Poker & Gambling Jokes section. However, the jokes will have the same title in both chapters. The illustration above was drawn by the author and is protected by copyright.

The jokes have been annotated by an asterisk (*) for those which have language or content you may find offensive, a double asterisk (**) for those which are risque, and a triple asterisk (***) for those which may not be suitable for mixed company. Those jokes without annotation are more suitable for general audiences and usually more appropriate for speaking engagements. Viewer discretion is recommended.

# Just a Small Sin

The Irish girl knelt in the confessional and said, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned."

"What is it, child?"

The girl said, "Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am."

The priest turned, took a good look at the girl through the screen, and said, "Vanity is just a small sin so say five Hail Marrys and go see an optometrist, I'm sure you won't commit this sin again.

# Career Opportunities

A priest and a rabbi are seated next to each other on a train from New York to Boston. Wanting to start a conversation, the priest decides to impress the rabbi with the professional opportunities available to a cleric in the Catholic church.

"After spending a reasonable time in a parish, a successful priest can expect to be considered for a position as a bishop," allows the priest.

"That's very nice," responds the rabbi sounding very unimpressed.

"Then the best bishops will become candidates to be archbishops," continues the priest.

"I suppose a young fellow could do worse," responds the rabbi.

Still trying to impress the rabbi, the priest says, " and the very cream of the crop will be able to accent to the lofty position of cardinal."

"That's nice," says the rabbi without much emotion.

"One of these cardinals will be chosen for the highest position in the Church and be selected by the college of cardinals to be the Pope," the priest conveys with excitement.

"It sounds like a very good job," says the rabbi, still sounding quite unimpressed.

By now the priest is totally exasperated and hollers, "What do you want him to become, Jesus Christ himself?"

"Well one of our boys made it," responds the rabbi.

# The Confession

A man goes into a Catholic church, steps into the confessional and tells the priest that over the previous forty-eight hours he has had sex with six different women.

"That's very serious," says the priest, "are you married?"

"Hell no," says the man, "I'm not even catholic, I just wanted to tell someone about it!!"

# A Short Debate

At one point, the council of cardinals decided that they wanted to make Rome an all-Catholic city. Since the Jews were one of the smallest populations, they decided to try throwing them out as a test case. The head rabbi was summoned and told of this decision. The rabbi protested, saying that the Jews had been there longer than the Christians, and that such an arbitrary decision should not be made without some debate. Thus, it was agreed that the Pope would debate one of the rabbi's. If the rabbi won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would have to leave.

The head rabbi went back to the rabbinical council and said that a champion must be chosen. No one was too eager, as the Pope was well known as an intellectual and religious heavyweight. Finally, a Basque rabbi was chosen. As Basque was one of the few languages that the Pope didn't speak (this was before Hebrew was revived), the debate was to be carried out in sign language.

The Pope starts off the debate by making a sweeping gesture.

The rabbi responds by pointing adamantly at the ground.

The Pope thinks a bit, then holds up three fingers.

The rabbi holds up one finger.

The Pope begins to take communion.

The rabbi pulls out an apple and begins eating it.

At this point, the Pope concedes the debate.

The Pope returns to the council of cardinals, who ask what happened.

"Well, I said, 'God is everywhere', and he said, 'and God is right here'. I then said 'God is a trinity', and he said, 'no, God is just one'. As an act of good faith, I began to take the body of Christ in communion. Then he pulled out an apple to show the sin in us all. He'd knocked me down point for point, so I decided to conceded the debate."

The rabbi returns to his fellows, who ask what happened.

"Well, he said, 'you all gotta leave', and I said, 'no, we're staying right here'. Then he said 'you have three days', and I said, 'not one of us is leaving'. Then he broke for lunch, so I started eating mine."

# Little Red Wagon *

As a preacher was taking his afternoon stroll for contemplation, he came upon a young boy riding in a little red wagon. The preacher watched as one of the wheels fell off and the little boy gets out to put the wheel back on. "Son of a bitch!", the little boy exclaims. He puts the wheel on, climbs back in, and starts on his way.

Dismayed, the preacher decides to follow the young boy hoping for an opportunity to assist in mending the lad's ways.

A little further along, two wheels fall off the wagon. "Son of a bitch!" is heard again. Not sure how to proceed, the preacher only observes as the little boy replaces the two wheels, climbs back into the wagon, and goes on his way.

Still, the preacher follows. This time, three wheels fall off the wagon, and again the little boy exclaims, "Son of a bitch!"

This time, the preacher says, "My son, if it happens again, try saying "Lord, help me." The little boy agrees, puts the three wheels on the wagon, and begins again.

Not much further, all four wheels fall off the wagon. The little boy is sitting in the wagon with it flat on the ground and says, "Lord, help me."

All of a sudden, all four wheels pop back onto the wagon. "Son of a bitch!", says the astonished preacher.

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# A Special Gift

For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from Heaven.

"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "that I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.

The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.

"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking knowingly.

Grinning even more widely, the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll shit on its head."

# A Sign from God

It was during the French revolution and various parties had been brought before the angry mob for execution by the Guillotine in the town square.

The first to be executed is a Catholic Priest. The executioner places the priests head in the Guillotine and then pulls the cord. The blade comes rushing down and stops just inches from the priests neck. "Sacre blu ..."..says the executioner "it must be a sign from god." So they let the priest go free.

The next to be executed is a Jewish Rabbi. The executioner places the rabbis head in the Guillotine and then pulls the cord. Again the blade comes rushing down and stops just inches from the rabbis neck. Again the executioner and the crowd are convinced that it is a sign from god, so they set the rabbi free.

The next to be executed is an engineer. The executioner places the engineers head in the Guillotine, but before he can pull the cord the engineer turns his head around looks up the Guillotine and says "I think I see the problem!!"

# Faithful Bras

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's. He shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said."I'd like to buy a bra for my wife."

"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.

"Type?" inquires the man "There is more than one type?"

"Look around," said the sales lady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size color and material. "Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras," continued the sales clerk.

Confused, the man asked what were the types. The sales lady replied "the Catholic type, the Salvation Army type, the Presbyterian type, and the Jewish type. Which one do you need?"

Still confused the man asked, "What is the difference between them?"

The sales lady responded "It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, the Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, the Jewish type makes mountains out of mole hills."

# Christmas Tradition

One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip, but there were problems everywhere.

Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.

When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"

Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

# Dixie Christmas

A New Yorker was driving through a small Southern town at Christmas time. In addition to a large Christmas tree in the center of the town square, there was a nativity scene that indicated great skill and talent in its creation. One small feature really stood out in the display. The three wise men were each wearing a firemen's helmet.

Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, the New Yorker thought he would have to stop and inquire. At a "Quik Stop" on the edge of town, he asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at him, "You darn Yankees never do read the Bible!"

The New Yorker assured her that he did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible. She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a particular passage.

Sticking it in his face she said, "See, it says right here, 'The three wise men came from afar.'"

# Old Pecan Tree

On the outskirts of town, there was a big old pecan tree by the cemetery fence. One day two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. Several were dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." He just knew what it was. "Oh my," he shuddered, "it's Satan and the Lord dividing the souls at the cemetery.

He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard. Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."

The man said, "Beat it, kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk."

When the boy insisted, though, the man hobbled to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me. . ."

The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth. Let's see if we can see the devil himself." Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of Satan.

At last they heard, "One for you, one for me." And one last "one for you, one for me." That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence, and we'll be done."

They say the old guy made it back to town 5 minutes before the boy.

# One Last Chance

A man stayed in his house as a flood engulfed his town. Two men in a rowboat came to his house and offered to take him to safety.

"No thank you", the man said, "God will help me".

As the waters rose, the man retreated to the second story of his house. Now, two men in a motorboat came by and offered to rescue him.

Again, the man declined, saying, "No thank you, God will help me."

As the waters rose still higher, the man retreated again to the rooftop of his house. A helicopter came by, and someone inside it threw down a rope, urging the man to grab it and be pulled up into the helicopter.

Once more, the man declined and said, "No thank you, God will help me." Whereupon a mighty voice called out to the man,

"You idiot! I sent you a rowboat, a motorboat, and now a helicopter. What more do you want me to do?".

# Faith Healer

Two teenage boys were talking as they were doing their chores on the farm. The first boy asks the second if he has seen the big tent they have put up in the pasture of the adjacent farm.

"Yea," says the second boy "it's for a revival meeting. In fact I went there with my folks and my uncle Jack."

"How was it?" asks the first boy.

"Well it took us a while to get into the tent from where we parked the car, cause my uncle is crippled you know. Then part way through the service the preacher asked if there was anyone who wanted to be cured and my uncle Jack raised his hand, cause he's crippled you know. So after we helped my uncle get up on stage, the preacher laid his hand on my uncle and told him to heal."

"Then what happened?" said the first boy.

"Then," responded the second boy "the most amazing thing happened, my uncle Jack threw one of his crutches away, he's crippled you know."

"Then what happened?" said the first boy.

"Well," said the second boy the preacher got down on his knees and all the people prayed even harder and shouted halallua as loud as they could."

"Then what happened?" said the first boy.

"Then," said the second boy, "my uncle threw his other crutch away."

"Wow then what happened?" said the first boy.

"Then he fell on his ass," said the second boy, "he's crippled you know."

# Appropriate Responses

A man who went to Church with his wife always fell asleep during the sermon. The wife decided to do something about this and one Sunday took a long hat pin along to poke him with it every time he would doze off.

As the preacher got to a part in the sermon where he shouted out "... and who created all there is in 6 days and rested on the 7th?" she poked her husband, who came flying out of the pew and screamed "Good God all mighty!"

The minister said "That's right, that's right" and went on with his sermon.

The man sat back down, muttering under his breath, and later began to doze off again when the minister got to "... and who died on the cross to save us from our sins?"the wife hit him again and he jumped up and shouted "Jesus Christ!"

The Minister said "That's right, that's right" and went on with his sermon.

The man sat back down and began to watch his wife and when the minister got to "... and what did Eve say to Adam after the birth of their second child?" the wife started to poke the husband but he jumped up and said "If you stick that damn thing in me again I'll break it off!"

# Horse Sense

A man decides to buy a horse, and heads down to the local used horse yard. The salesman convinces him to buy one particular horse, which appears in good condition. After he has paid his money, and is saddling up, the salesman tells him, "There's just one thing, the horse used to belong to a minister, so to make it go you have to say 'Praise the Lord', and to make it stop, you have to say 'Amen'".

This doesn't seem too much of a problem to the man, who mounts his latest acquisition, and shouts, "Praise the Lord", at which the horse trots out the gate and down the road.

The man decides to take his horse for a long ride, and heads out of town and into the hills. Suddenly he realizes he is heading for the top of a cliff and panics. "Whoa, stop!!!", he yells, and of course the horse ignores him, and actually speeds up. Now dangerously close to the edge, he contemplates jumping from the horse, which shows no indication of slowing or turning. Realizing this is his last moment he says a prayer and ends it with "Amen".

The horse instantly stops in its tracks, right on the brink of the cliff, sending a shower of stones clattering the hundreds of meters to the bottom. The man pulls out a handkerchief, wipes the sweat from his brow, looks up, and says, "Praise the Lord..."

# Just a Small Fib

A 4-year-old boy was asked to return thanks before Christmas dinner. The family members bowed their heads in expectation. He began his prayer, thanking God for all his friends, naming them one by one. Then he thanked God for Mommy, Daddy, brother, sister, Grandma, Grandpa, and all his

aunts and uncles.

Then he began to thank God for the food. He gave thanks for the turkey, the dressing, the fruit salad, cranberry sauce, the pies, the cakes, even the Cool Whip. Then he paused, and everyone waited--and waited. After a long silence, the young fellow looked up at his mother and asked,

"If I thank God for the broccoli, won't he know that I'm lying?"

# God Will Provide

A young Jewish woman brings home her fiance to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man.

The father invites the fiancee to his study for a drink. "So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man.

"I am a Torah scholar," the fiancee replies.

"A Torah scholar. Hmmm," the father says. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?"

"I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."

"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asks the father.

"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "God will provide for us."

"And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?"

"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiance.

The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that God will provide.

Later, the mother asks, "How did it go, Honey?"

The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm God.

# My Wife is Poisoning Me

A Jewish man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."

The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"

The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"

The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"

The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."

A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"

The man anxiously says, "Yes."

"Take the poison," says the Rabbi.

# Important to Abstain

There were these three couples; one elderly, one middle aged, and one newly-wed that wanted to join the church. So the minister tells them that in order to be members they must abstain from sex for two whole weeks.

After two weeks, the minister asks the elderly couple if they had abstained, and they replied, "Yes, no problem!" So the minister says, "Welcome to the church!"

Then he asks the middle aged couple the same question, and they said, "Well, after one week, the husband had to sleep on the couch, but we made it!" So the minister says to them, "Welcome to the church!"

Then the minister asks the newlywed couple if they had abstained from sex for two weeks. The husband says, "We were unable to abstain, on the third day, my wife dropped a bottle of shampoo and when she bent over to pick it up, lust and passion overcame me".

So the minister says, "I'm sorry, but you are both banned from this church!"

To this the husband replies, "That's O.K., we're banned from Walgreens, too."

# Armed with the Scripture

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church service when she was startled by an intruder.

As she caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables, she yelled, "Stop! Acts 2:38!" (Repent and be baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven).

The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done. As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the bugler, "Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you."

" Scripture?" replied the burglar, "She said she had an ax and two 38's!

# Bad Language *

Arnie had gone to confession and indicated that he had used some extremely bad language that week for which he was repentant. The priest asked Arnie what the circumstances were which caused him to use this inappropriate language.

"I'm a golfer," said Arnie,"and I was having some problems."

"Well I'm a golfer myself," said the priest "so I can understand your frustration with your game, but what could have been so bad as to engender an outburst of bad language?"

"Well I was actually having a great game and thought I would get my best score ever, then on the 17th hole I hit my drive straight down the middle, but it hit a sprinkler head in the fairway and bounced right behind a big oak tree."

"Is that when you used the bad language my son?" asked the priest.

"No father," said Arnie " in fact I kept my cool and was able to slice the shot around the tree and it was heading right for the green until it clipped a branch of a tree and fell short into the sand trap on the front of the green."

"So that's when you used the bad language?" said the priest.

"No not even then" said Arnie, "I tried to keep a positive attitude and made a beautiful sand shot which landed on the green and rolled up within six inches of the hole."

"Christ Almighty, you didn't miss a fucking six inch putt?!!" shouted the priest.

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Theology and Technology

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering. Finally God said, "Cool it! I am going to set up a test that will run two hours, and I will judge who does the better job."

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent emails. They sent out emails with attachments. They downloaded. They did some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did every known job. But 10 minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder clapped, the rain poured, and, of course, the electricity went off.

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed. The electricity finally flickered back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically and screamed, "It's gone! It's all gone! I lost everything when the power went off!"

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of diligent work. Satan observed this and became irate. "Wait! He cheated! How did he do it?"

God shrugged and said, "Jesus saves."

# I'm Not Afraid

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in the tiny town of Medina got up early and went to the local church. Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc. Suddenly, the Devil himself appeared at the front of the congregation. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone was evacuated from the Church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"

"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.

Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years.

# I'm Not Talking

George W. Bush, in an airport lobby, noticed a man in a long flowing white robe with a long flowing white beard and flowing white hair. The man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm.

George W. approached the man and inquired, "Aren't you Moses?" The man ignored George W. and stared at the ceiling. George W. positioned himself more directly in the man's view and asked again, "Aren't you Moses?"

The man continued to peruse the ceiling. George W. tugged at the man's sleeve and asked once again, "Aren't you Moses?" The man finally responded in an irritated voice, "Yes I am".

George W. asked him why he was so unfriendly and Moses replied, "The last time I spoke to a Bush I had to spend forty years in the desert.

# Good News and Bad News

God finally had enough and decided to end the world. However He wanted to warn the people so He gathered Bill Clinton, Fidel Castro and Bill Gates into one room and told them of His plan and to go out and inform the world.

President Clinton immediately appeared on CNN and told the U.S. "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, there IS a God. The bad news is He is going to end the world.

Fidel Castro went to the Communist network and told them. "I have bad news and worse news. The bad news is, despite what we have taught all these years, there IS a God. The worse news is, He is upset."

Bill Gates turned to the internet and informed the world. I have good news and better news... The good news is, God thinks I am one of the three most important people on earth... the better news?..... I won't have to upgrade Windows 98.......cool."

# Holy Water **

Four girls go to confession and the priest says: "I'm sorry but I am very busy today so we will do a collective session. And let's cut out the light stuff and get down to business. Anybody touch a penis this week?"

The first girl looks down bashfully and says: "I did - with my finger only". The priest says: "Put it in holy water".

The second girl admits she has got her hand around one. "Put the hand in holy water".

The third girl, without further ado also moves toward the holy water. The priest says: "Hold it. What's with you?" The girl says: "Just getting a quick mouth wash before Maria washes her ass."

_** Risque_

# Taxi Driver's Fantasy **

An attractive nun got into a taxi one evening and noticed the taxi driver staring at her continuously. The taxi driver finally spoke up and said: "I'm really sorry, sister. I'm dying to ask you a favor but I'm afraid it might offend you."

The nun replied: "My son, you can ask me anything. In all my years, I've heard the worst of everything and nothing you tell me is going to offend me".

"Okay," the taxi driver said. "I've always had a fantasy about a nun performing oral sex on me."

"Well, let's see what we can do about that," she replied. "Firstly, you have to be single and a Catholic."

At this, the taxi driver got extremely excited. "Oh yes, sister! I am single and a Catholic!"

So they pulled over to an alley and the nun fulfilled his fantasy. Once they got back into the taxi, the taxi driver began to cry.

"My son, why are you crying?" the nun asked.

"Oh sister, I lied. I'm so sorry. I'm Jewish and I am married!" he sobbed.

The nun replied: "That's alright. My name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party."

_** Risque_

# A Fair Reward

It seems there was this priest who just loved to golf, but he had been very busy for many months and had not been able to get away to go golfing. Well, one Sunday morning he woke up and felt he just had to go golfing. The weather was just beautiful.

He called up the Bishop and claimed he had a really bad case of laryngitis and couldn't preach, so the Bishop told him to rest for several days. He then got out his clubs and headed off for the golf course.

He set up at the first hole, making sure no one was there to see him playing hooky, and blasted that ball with his wood. It was a beautiful shot! It went straight and true; it bounced, and bounced (right up onto the green) and rolled its way closer... closer... a hole in one! The priest jumped up and down in his excitement.

He struts off to the green, collects his ball, and tees off at the second hole, repeating his performance on the first hole, much to his astounded delight.

All this time St. Peter and God have been watching him from the gates of heaven. St. Peter has finally seen enough to pique his curiosity. "Lord," he says, "this priest seems to be a real trouble maker. He ignored his congregation and even lied to go golfing. And now you reward him with a hole in one! Why?"

God smiles and looks over at St. Peter and says, "I'm punishing him ... after he finishes his game by himself, who can he tell his story to?"

# Theology of Health

In the Beginning, God Created the heavens and the Earth, and the Earth was without form, and void, and darkness was upon the face of the deep.

And Satan said, "It doesn't get any better than this."

And God said, "Let there be light," and there was light. And God said, "Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, and the fruit tree yielding fruit, "and God saw that it was good.

And Satan said, "There goes the neighborhood."

And God said, "Let us make Man in our image, after our likeness and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over the cattle, and over all the Earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth."

And so God created man in his own image: male and female created he them.

And God looked upon Man and Woman and saw that they were lean and fit.

And Satan said, "I know how I can get back in this game."

And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and ;yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

And Satan created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the 99-cent double cheesburger. And Satan sad to Man, "You want fries with that?"

And Man said, "Supersize them." And Man gained five pounds.

And God created the healthful yogurt, that Woman might keep her figure that man found so fair.

And Satan brought forth chocolate. And Woman gained five pounds.

And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad."

And Satan brought forth Ben and Jerry's. And Woman gained ten pounds.

And God said, "I have sent thee heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them."

And Satan brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained ten pounds and his LDL cholesterol went through the roof.

And God brought forth Nike and New Balance running shoes, and Man resolved to loose those extra pounds.

An Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2. And Man gained another twenty pounds.

And God said, "You're running up the score, Devil!" and God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.

And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them. And he created sour cream dip also. And Man cluthced his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol. And Satan saw and said, "It is good."

And Man went into cardiac arrest. And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

And Satan created HMO's.

# Taking Care of the Car

A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue across the street from each other. Since their schedules intertwined, they decided to go in together to buy a car. After the purchase, they drove it home and parked it on the street between them.

A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out and saw the priest sprinkling water on their new car. It didn't need a wash, so he hurried out and asked the priest what he was doing. "I'm blessing it," the priest replied.

The rabbi considered this a moment, then went back inside the synagogue. He reappeared a moment later with a hacksaw, walked over to the back of the car and cut off two inches of the tailpipe.

# Identity Crisis

Three little black boys were concerned because they couldn't get anyone to play with them. They thought maybe it was because they weren't baptized. So they went to the nearest church. Only the janitor was there.

The oldest boy said, "We's got to be baptized cause no one will play with us. Will you baptize us?"

So the janitor took them in the bathroom and dunked their heads in the toilet bowl one at a time. He said, "Now go out and play. Go see the preacher on Sunday."

When they got outside dripping wet the oldest one asked, "What religion are we?"

"We're not Catlick cause they pour the water ... " one said "And we's not Baptist cause they dunk your whole body all the way under."

The littlest one said, "I smelled dat water and I knows what we are: -- we's Pisscopalians"

# It's a Sin

After church one Sunday, one of the congregates walked up to the priest and said, "Father, is it a sin to play golf on Sunday?

"My son," said the priest, putting his hand on the man's shoulder, "I've seen you play golf. It's a sin any day."

# For Medicinal Purposes Only

Sister Mary Katherine lived in a nunnery, a block away from Jack's liquor store in Dublin. One day, she came into the store and said, "Oh Jack, give me a pint o' the brandy."

"Sister Mary Katherine," exclaimed Jack, "I could never do that! I've never sold alcohol to a nun in my life!"

"Oh Jack," she responded, "it's only for the Mother Superior." Her voice dropped. "She's getting on in years and It helps her constipation, you know."

So Jack sold her the brandy.

Later that night Jack closed the store and walked home. As he passed the nunnery, who should he see but Sister Mary Katherine. And she was snookered. She was singing and dancing, whirling around and flapping her arms like a bird, right there on the sidewalk.

A crowd was gathering so Jack pushed through and exclaimed, "Sister Mary Katherine! For shame! You told me this was for the Mother Superior's constipation!"

Sister Mary Katherine didn't miss a beat as she replied: "And so it is, me lad, so it is. When she sees me, she's really going to shit!"

# Word Association

A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning. He said, "Today, church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach. I want you to sing whatever hymn that comes to your mind."

The pastor shouted out, "Cross."Immediately the congregation started singing in unison"The Old Rugged Cross."

The Pastor hollered out, "Grace."The congregation began to sing "Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound."

The Pastor said, "Power."

The congregation began to sing "There is Power in the Blood."

The Pastor said, "Sex."The congregation fell in total silence. Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other afraid to say anything.

Then all of a sudden way from in the back of the church a little old 87-year-old grandmother stood up and began to sing ........."Precious Memories"

# Letter from Grandma

The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "Honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker.

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling Choir performance, followed by a Thunderous Prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, I'm glad I did! What an up lifting experience that followed!

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is ... and I didn't notice the light had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus, because if he hadn't honked, I'd never noticed! I found that lots of people loved Jesus!

Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, "For the love of God! Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, Go!"

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love.

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a "sunny beach" ...

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.

I asked my teenage grandson, in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I've never met any one from Hawaii, so I leaned out of the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing ...why, even he was enjoying this religious experience!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me ... I bet they wanted to Pray, or ask me what Church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks.

Grandma

# Bad Shot

A Catholic Priest and a Nun were out having a round of golf. The priest stepped up to the tee and took a mighty swing. He missed the ball entirely and said, "Shit, I missed."

Sister Marie told him to watch his language.

At the next swing he missed again, "Shit, I missed."

"Father, what filthy language! I am not going to play with you if you keep swearing." The priest promises to do better.

At the next tee he misses again, usual reply, "Shit, I missed."

Sister Marie is really mad now and says, "Father, God is going to strike you dead if you keep swearing like that."

At the next tee, the priest misses, swears, "Shit, I missed." Out of the sky comes a gigantic bolt of lighting, which strikes Sister Marie dead in her tracks.

Then the skies open up and a big booming voice says, "Shit, I missed."

# A Biased Perspective

A man was in the hospital recovering from an operation when a nun walked into his room. She was there to cheer up the sick and ailing. The man and nun started talking and she asked about his life. He talked about his wife and 13 children.

"My, my," said the nun, "13 children... You're a good, proper Catholic family. God is very proud of you!"

"I'm sorry, Sister," he said, "I am not Catholic. I'm Jewish."

"Jewish!?" she replies. "Hmmm... You're a sex maniac, aren't you?"

# Dogs and Cats

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.

And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."

And God said, "No problem. Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."

And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them. And they were comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well."

And God said, "No problem! I will create for them a companion who will be with them forever and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration."

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve. And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.

And Adam and Eve learned humility. And they were greatly improved.

And God was pleased.

And Dog was happy.

And Cat didn't give a shit one way or the other.

# Limited Experience

A minister gave a talk to the Lions Club on sex. When he got home, he was a little embarrassed to tell his wife that he had spoken on sex, so he said he had discussed horseback riding with the members.

A few days later, she ran into some men at the shopping center and they complimented her on the speech her husband had made.

She said, "Yes, I heard. I was surprised about the subject matter, as he's only tried it twice. The first time he got so sore he could hardly walk, and the second time he fell off."

# Successful Son

Every Sunday, a little old lady placed $1,000 in the collection plate.

After several weeks the minister was overcome with curiosity and approached her.

"I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he said to her.

"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and what I don't need, I give to the church."

"That's wonderful, how much does he send you?"

"Oh, about $2,000 a week."

"Really! Your son must be very successful, what does he do for a living?"

"He's a veterinarian," she answered proudly.

"That is an honorable profession." said the minister. "Where does he practice?"

"Well, he has one cat house in Nevada and just opened a second one in Texas."

# I Won't Tell

A young Irish lad and two of his buddies are walking through the town, when the lad stops in front of the church and tells his friends to wait for him while he goes in for a quick confession. He takes his seat in the confessional and tells the priest that he has had premarital sex.

"Who was the girl?" asks the priest.

"I wouldn't feel right telling even you father," responds the lad.

"Was it Maggie O'toul?" asks the priest.

"No father."

"Was it Mary O'Donald?"

"No father."

"Then was it Becky O'Brien?"

"No father."

"You're not going to tell me are you lad?"

"No father."

"Well then say fifty hail Marys and never do it again" says the priest.

When the lad emerges from the church his buddies immediately ask him if he had to tell the priest who the girl was.

"No," responds the lad, "but I sure got some good leads."

# Illegitimate Gains

Paul had just sued the insurance company for a million bucks, because he had alledgedly sustained substantial permanent injuries in an accident. Since the insurance company was unable to prove Paul's injuries were not serious and permanent, he pervailed and received the total amont requested. As he was leaving the courthouse with his neck brace, full body cast, and walker, the insurance company lawer came up to him and issued a warning.

"I know that you are a phoney -- but you were too smart and I couldn't get any evidence on you before this court case. However, since you have made me lose my job over this case, I am going to follow you for the rest of your life to prove it. Someday you are going to slip up and I will get the goods on you and you will have to give all of this money back and will end up in jail for perjury. So you see, you never be able to enjoy your ill begotten wealth."

"Well," says Paul, "since you are planning to follow me for the rest of my life, I will make it easier for you. Here is my itinerary. I plan to catch a cab to the airport, then a flight to New York. From New York I plan to fly to Paris, France. I will stay overnight in Paris and then take the morning train to Lourdes. From the train station in Lourdes I will take a cab to the cave of St. Bernadette and then you are going to see the damndest miracle you have ever seen."

# Trip to Rome

A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber, who responded, "Why would anyone want to go there? Its crowded and dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking TWA," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"TWA!" exclaimed the barber. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at the downtown International Marriott."

"That dump! That's the worst hotel in Rome. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?"

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the barber. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it!"

A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut.

The barber asked him about his trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the man. "Not only were we on time in one of TWA's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28-year-old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel! Well, it was great! They'd just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it's the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the barber, "I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked in. As I knelt down he spoke a few words to me."

"What'd he say?"

He said, "Where'd you get the shitty haircut?"

# A Fitting Eulogy

A young woman married and had 13 children. Her husband died. She soon married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died. But, she remarried again and this time had 5 more children. Alas, she finally croaked. Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed to the Lord above, thanking him for this loving woman who fulfilled his commandment to "Go forth and multiply." In his final eulogy, he noted, "Thank you Lord, they're finally together."

Leaning over to his neighbor, one mourner asked..."Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?"

The other mourner then replied..."I think he means her legs!"

# Dark in Here

A woman takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Her nine-year old son comes home unexpectedly, so she puts him in the closet and shuts the door. Her husband also comes home, so she puts her lover in the closet, with the little boy.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."

The man says, "Yes, it is."

Boy - "I have a baseball."

Man - "That's nice."

Boy - "Want to buy it."

Man - "No, thanks."

Boy - "My dad's outside."

Man - "OK, how much?"

Boy - "$175.00"

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy - "Dark in here."

Man - "Yes, it is."

Boy - "I have a baseball mitt."

The lover remembering the last time asks the boy, "How much?"

Boy - "$375.00"

Man - "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball back and forth."

The boy says, "I can't, I sold them."

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

The boy replies, "$550.00"

The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that, that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that shit again."

# The Big Golf Match

The Pope met with his cardinals to discuss a proposal from Benjamin Netanyahu, the leader of Israel.

"Your Holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Netanyahu wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths."

The Pope thought it was a good idea, but he had never held a golf club in his hand. "Don't we have a cardinal to represent me?" he asked.

"None that plays golf very well," a cardinal replied. "But," he added, "there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who is a devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a Cardinal; then ask him to play Benjamin Netanyahu as your personal representative. In addition to showing our spirit of cooperation, we'll also win the match."

Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made. Of course, Nicklaus was honored and agreed to play. The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result.

"I have some good news and some bad news, Your Holiness," said the golfer. Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus," said the Pope.

"Well, your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even though I've played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far. I must have been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous."

"There's bad news?" the Pope asked.

"Yes," Nicklaus sighed. "I lost to Rabbi Tiger Woods by three strokes."

# Progressive Priest

Two priests were talking together and the older one said to the younger, "You know, when you came into church with all your new ideas, I had questions about how you were going to fit in and how well your ideas were going to work."

"When you wanted to put bucket seats down in the front two rows of seats,I had my doubts. But now, at every mass, the seats are filled up with young people, so I have to agree that it was a good idea."

"Then, when you wanted to "jazz" up the choir and we started singing newer, peppier songs, I was afraid it would offend the parishioners. Now, we have a lot of new, younger choir members, and the music seems to pick up the services a lot more than the old music. So, once again I have to agree that you were right!"

"But when you wanted to put in the drive-through confessional, I have to admit I thought you'd lost it. But now, at least, there are more people coming to confession than ever. I think you've come up with another good idea."

"However, the neon sign out front that says 'Toot 'n tell or go to hell' has to go!!"

# The Jackass and the Mayor

A preacher went to his church office on Monday morning and discovered a dead mule in the church yard. He immediately called the police.

Since there did not appear to be any foul play, the police referred the preacher to the health department. The health department said since there was no health threat that he should call the sanitation department. The sanitation manager said he could not pick up the mule without authorization from the mayor.

Now the preacher knew the mayor and was not to eager to call him. The mayor had a bad temper and was generally hard to deal with, but the preacher called him anyway. The mayor did not disappoint. He immediately began to rant and rave at the pastor and finally said, "Why did you call me anyway? Isn't it your job to bury thedead?"

The preacher paused for a brief prayer and asked the Lord to direct his response. He was led to say, "Yes, Mayor, it is my job to bury the dead, but I always like to notify the next-of-kin first!"

# The Best Gift

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together to celebrate their mother's 80th birthday, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.

The first said, "I built a big house for our mother."

The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."

The third smiled and said, "I've got you, both beat. You remember how mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church twelve years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."

Soon thereafter, mom sent out her letters of thanks:

"Milton," she wrote one son, "The house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."

"Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes and the driver is so rude!"

"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "You have the good sense to know what your mother likes ... the chicken was delicious!"

# Priests on Vacation

Two priests were going to Hawaii on vacation and decided that they would make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts and shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.

The next morning, the two priests went to the beach, dressed in their "tourist" garb and were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a "drop dead" gorgeous blonde in a tiny bikini came walking straight toward them. They couldn't help but stare, and when she passed them she turned to them, smiled and said, "Good morning father. Good morning father." nodding and addressing each of them individually, then passed on by. They were both stunned - how in the world did she recognize them as priests?

The next day, the two priests went back to the store, bought even more outrageous outfits - these were so loud, you could hear them before you even saw them, and again they settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine.

After a while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a string bikini this time, came walking toward them. Again, she approached them and greeted them individually: "Good morning father. Good morning father." and started to walk away.

One of the priests couldn't stand it and said, "Just a minute young lady. Yes, we are priests, and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did you know?"

"Oh father, don't you recognize me? I'm Sister Kathryn!"

# Who Was That?

A minister, a priest and a rabbi were enjoying the serenity of a country dipping pond. Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped in the water. Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their "freedom."

As they were crossing an open area, a group of very old ladies from town approached them. Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover.

After the ladies left and the men got their clothes back on, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his privates.

The rabbi replied..."I don't know about you, but in MY congregation, it's my FACE that they would recognize."

# Evil Spirits

A preacher was winding up his temperance sermon with great fervor, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

And the congregation cried, "Amen!"

"And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it in the river."

And the congregation cried, "Amen!"

"And if I had all the whiskey and demon rum in the world, I'd take it all and throw it in the river."

And the congregation cried, "Hallelujah!"

The preacher sat down.

The song leader stood up very tentatively and announced, "For our closing song, let us sing hymn #365, 'Shall we gather at the river."

# Damned Fine Sermon

A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He said, "Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!"

The preacher said, "Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use that kind of language in the Lord's House.

The man said, "I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!"

The preacher said, "No shit?"

# Just a Little Gas

A nun was walking in the convent when one of the priests noticed she was gaining a little weight. "Gaining a little weight are we sister Susan?" he asked.

"No, Father. Just a little gas," Sister Susan explained.

A month or so later the priest noticed that she had gained even more weight. "Gaining some weight are we Sister Susan?" he asked again.

"Oh no, Father. Just a little gas," she replied again.

A couple of months later the priest noticed Sister Susan pushing a baby carriage around the convent. He leaned over and looked in the carriage and said, "Cute little fart."

# Drunken Confession

This priest was hearing a woman's confession when a drunk stumbled into the booth on the opposite side. As the priest was finishing with her he heard the drunk groaning as if in quite some pain.

The priest then slid open the other panel and asked, "Are you sick?"

All he heard was another groan. He asked again, "Are you ok?"

The drunk finally replied, "Yeah, I feel lots better. Do you have any toilet paper on your side?"

# Television Evangelist

Grandma and Grandpa were watching a healing service on TV. The evangelist called to all who wanted to be healed to go to their TV set, place one hand on the TV and the other hand on the body part where they wanted to be healed.

Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the TV, placed her right hand on the set and her left hand on her arthritic shoulder that was causing her to have great pain.

Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV, placed his right hand on the set and his left hand on his crotch

Grandma scowled at him and said, "I guess you just don't get it. The purpose of doing this is to heal the sick, not to raise the dead."

# No Comparison

An Irish priest and a Rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a train. After a while, the priest opened a conversation by saying"I know that, in your religion, you're not supposed to eat pork...Have you actually ever tasted it?

The Rabbi said, "I must tell the truth.Yes, I have, on the odd occasion."

Then the Rabbi had his turn of interrogation. He asked, "Your religion, too...I know you're supposed to be celibate. But....

" The priest replied, "Yes, I know what you're going to ask. I have succumbed once or twice."

There was silence for a while. Then the Rabbi peeped around the newspaper he was reading and said, "Better than pork, isn't it?"

# Collar on Backwards

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way.

The man, who was a priest, said "I am a Father."

The little boy replied "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that."

The priest looked up from his book and answered "I am the Father of many."

The boy said "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way.

The priest getting impatient said "I am the Father of hundreds" and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly...but on leaving the bus he leaned over and said...."Well. maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead."

# Your Weight and Fortune

A nun was going to Chicago. She went to the railroad station and sat down waiting for her traint. She looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tells your weight and fortune. So, she thought to herself, "I'll give it a try just to see what it tells me."

She went over to the machine and put her quarter in and out came a card that said, "You're a nun and weigh 128 lb., and you are going to Chicago, Illinois." She sat back down and thought about it. She told herself "a macchine couldn't possibly know who I am and where I am going -- it must be just a random assortment of comments added to the weight," so she decided to try it again.

She went back to the machine and put her quarter in. Out came a card that read, "You're a nun, weigh 128 lb., you're going to Chicago, Illinois and you are going to play a fiddle." The nun said to herself, "I know that's wrong, I have never played a musical instrument in my life." She sat back down. From nowhere a cowboy came over and set his fiddle case down next to her. She picked it up and just started playing beautiful music. Startled she looked back at the machine and said, "This is incredible. I've got to try it again."

Back to the machine, she put her quarter in and another card came out. It said, "You're a nun, you weigh 128 lb., you're going to Chicago, Illinois and you're going to break wind." Now, the nun knows the machine is wrong. "I've never broke wind in public a day in my life." Well, she tripped getting off the scale and broke wind. Stunned she sat back down and looked at the machine. She said to herself, "This is truly unbelievable! I've got to try it again."

She went back to the machine, put her quarter in and collected the card. It said, "You're a nun, you weigh 128 lb., you have fiddled and farted around and missed your train to Chicago.

# Remember Psalm 129

A priest was driving along and saw nun on the side of the road he stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing the habit to open and reveal a leg. The priest looks and nearly has an accident, and after changing gear lets his hand slide up her leg.

She immediately says "Father remember psalm 129."

The priest apologizes profusely and removes his hand but is unable to remove his eyes from her leg. Further on when he changes gear and has oggled at her leg for the zillionth time he lets the hand slide up the leg again.

The Nun once again says "Father remember psalm 129"

Once again the priest apologizes "Sorry sister but you know the flesh is weak."

Arriving at the convent the nun gets out and the priest goes on his way. Once he arrives at his church he rushes to the bible and looks up psalm 129 it said: "Go forth and seek, further up you will find glory."

# Baptizing the Drunk

A drunk stumbles into a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river. He walks down into the water and stands next to the preacher.

The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk replies, "Yesh, Your Honor, I shur am!"

The minister dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. "Have you found Jesus?" he asked.

"Nooo, Your Highness, I shur dint!" says the drunk.

The preacher then dunks him under for a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?"

"Noooo, Your Majesty, I shur dint!" the drunk slurs again.

Disgusted, the preacher holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, "My good man, have you found Jesus yet?"

The drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

# A Very Important Person

The Pope had just finished a tour of the Napa Valley and was taking a limousine to San Francisco. Having never driven a limo, he asked the chauffeur if he could drive for a while. Well, the chauffeur didn't have much of a choice, so he climbed into the back seat and the Pope got behind the wheel.

The Pope proceeds up U.S. 101, and begins accelerating just to see what the limo would do. He got up to 100 mph, and suddenly he saw the red and blue lights of the California Highway Patrol car in his mirror. He pulled the car over and stopped. The trooper got out, walked up to the window, and seeing who it was, said, "Excuse me, just a moment please, I need to call in."

The trooper called in and asked for the chief. He told the chief that he had a really important person pulled over and asked how he should handle it.

"It's not Ted Kennedy again, is it?" asked the chief.

"No Sir?" replied the trooper, "This guy's much more important than that."

"Is it the Governor then?" came the chief query.

"No! Even more important!:" the trooper again replied.

"My God! Is it the President?" the chief wanted to know.

"No! Even more important still, this is a VVIP!" said the trooper.

"Well," said the chief, "I give up, who the hell is it?"

"I think it may be God, " stammered the trooper, "he's in a long white limousine and he's got the Pope as his chauffeur."

# Not to Worry

Two little boys were walking home from Sunday School, where they had just heard a fire and brimestone message from the Pastor about the devil and all his wickedness.

The first boy turned to the other and asked, " What do you think about all that Satan stuff?" "

Oh, I wouldn't worry about it," the other boy answered, "You know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your dad!"

# Afflicted with Arthritis

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked. "Say Father, what causes arthritis?

"My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of bath."

"Well, I'll be damned!" the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long had arthritis?"

"I don't have it Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does".

# A Long Life Ahead

A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?" God said, "No, you have another 40 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years.Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"

God replied, "I didn't recognize you."

# Heavenly Golf

A threesome of golfers are playing golf in heaven. Moses is the first to the tee. He hits his shot about half-way over the lake in front of the tee, and remarks "Well its playable, I can part the water and play it from the bottom of the lake."

The second golfer is Jesus. His shot also gets about half-way over the pond and plunges into the lake. "That one's playable too, he says I can walk out on the water and play it from where it lit."

Then the third golfer hits his drive, which goes in the same place as the first two drives. However, a few seconds after the ball lands in the lake, a large fish emerges at the far end of the lake and spits the ball up onto the shore, where a mouse grabs it and runs for the forest. Before the mouse reaches the forest an eagle swoops down grabs the mouse and flies toward the mountain. Before the eagle can get very far a bolt of lightning streaks across the sky and hits the eagle. At that point the mouse slips out of the eagle's talons and falls on the green, whereon the ball bounces out of the mouse's mouth and rolls in the hole.

Before the third golfer can say anything, Jesus says "Nice shot dad."

# Bad Brothers

A couple had two little boys, ages eight and ten, who were excessively mischievous.

The two were always getting into trouble and their parents could be confident that if any mischief occurred in their town, their two young sons were involved in some capacity. The parents were at their wit's end as to what to do about their sons' behavior.

The parents had heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children in the past, so they contacted him, and he agreed to give it his best shot. He asked to see the boys individually, so the eight-year-old was sent to meet with him first. The clergyman sat the boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"

The boy made no response, so the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?"

Again the boy made no attempt to answer, so the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face, "where is God?"

At that, the boy bolted from the room, ran directly home, and slammed himself in his closet. His older brother followed him into the closet and said, "What happened?"

The younger brother replied, "We are in big trouble this time. God is missing and they think we did it!"

# I'm Going to be Sick

One Sunday morning, a little girl and her mother go to church. Halfway through, the little girl tells her mother she's going to be sick. Her mother tells her to go in the bushes behind the church. The girl leaves and comes back after about five minutes. Her mother asks her if she threw up.

''Yes," the girl says. "But I didn't have to go all the way 'round the back. There was a box near the front door that said 'For the Sick.'''

# Penance by the Numbers **

A priest had to be away from his parish for a day and asked the jamitor to take over confession for him. The janitor was apprehensive, but the priest said that it would be easy since the janitor would be inside the confessional and the priest had prepared a sin list inside the booth which listed both sins and penance. The janitor finally agreed and took the booth early the next morning. Soon people started arriving and a middle aged man entered the booth.

"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. I have committed adultery."

"Adultery, eh?" the janitor said. "You sly devil. That'll be twenty hail mary's, plus fifty bucks."

"Thank you, Father."

Another person came into the booth.

"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. I have embezzled money from work."

"Embezzlement, eh? Naughty, naughty. That'll be ten hail mary's, plus twenty bucks."

"Thank you, Father."

This was easy, the janitor thought. I can handle this.

Another person came into the booth.

"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. I have commited the sin of butt-sex."

The janitor looked at the list, but I didn't see butt-sex there so he excused himself to see if he could get some help. He finally found a choir boy hanging out on the steps of the church.

"Excuse me," the janitor said. "What does Father Matthew give for butt sex?"

"Well," said the boy, "usually just milk and cookies, but sometimes a Snickers."

_** Risque_

# Where is He Today?

A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on his birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that he grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"

Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in Heaven."

Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."

Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!"

The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.

And Little Johnny said, "Well... every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!?'

# Pick Three Hymns

One Sunday a pastor asked his congregation to consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.

After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had contributed a $1,000 bill. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation, and said he'd like to personally thank the person who had placed the money in the plate.

A very quiet, elderly, saintly widow shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and asked her to pick out three hymns.

Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said, "I'll take him and him and him."

# God Looks After Me

A 70-year-old man goes to the doctor's for a physical.

The doctor runs some tests and says to the man, ''Well, everything seems to be in top condition physically, but what about mentally? How is your connection with God?''

And the man says, ''Oh me and God? We're tight. We have a real bond, he's good to me. Every night when I have to get up to go to the bathroom, he turns on the light for me, and then, when I leave, he turns it back off.''

Well, upon hearing this the doctor was astonished.

He called the man's wife and said, ''I'd like to speak to you about your husband's connection with God. He claims that every night when he needs to use the restroom, God turns on the light for him and turns it off for him again when he leaves. Is this true?''

And she says, ''That idiot, he's been peeing in the refrigerator again!"

# Revised Wedding Vows

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer:

"Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I'm supposed to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that out."

He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied. On the day of the wedding, when it came time for the groom's vows, the pastor looked the young man in the eye and said:

"Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"

The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes," then leaned toward the pastor and hissed: "I thought we had a deal."

The pastor put a $100 bill into the groom's hand and whispered: "She made me a better offer."

# Three Nuns on a Walk

Three nuns were taking a walk one day.

''I was cleaning the Father's room yesterday and found some pornography magazines," said the first nun.

"What did you do with them?" asked the second.

"I threw them away."

"I was cleaning the Father's room yesterday and found some condoms," said the second nun.

"What did you do with them?" asked the first.

"I punched holes in them."

The third nun fainted.

# Guardian Angel

A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice: ''Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you.''

The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished. He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: ''Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die.''

The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him. ''Where are you?'' the man asked. ''Who are you?''

''I am your guardian angel,'' the voice answered.

''Oh yeah?'' the man asked... ''And where the hell were you six months ago, when I got married?'

# Get Out of My Church

The preacher stood before the congregation. ''Brothers and Sisters, I understand that there have been some he'n and she'n going on. I will not tolerate fornication in my church. All of those who are guilty, leave my presence.'' So some men and women exited the church.

''Brothers and Sisters, I also understand that there have been some he'n and he'n goin' on. Those who are guilty, leave my presence.'' So some embarrased men exited the church.

''Brothers and Sisters, I also understand that there have been some she'n and she'n going on. Those who are guilty, leave my presence.'' So some women got up and exited the church. The preacher looked around and the only one left in the church was a little boy sittin' in the front pew. The preacher walked up to the boy.

''I would like to commend you for being such an upright, loyal Christian.''

''Hold up now preacher. If you had gotten down to some me'n and some me'n, I'd have to get up and leave too!''

# Money from God

A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened.

Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, USA, they decided to send it to President Bush.

The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill.

President Bush thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to God, which read:

Dear God,

Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those crooks deducted $95.00.

# Our Daily Bread

A salesman from Kentucky Fried Chicken walked up to the Pope and offers him a million dollars if he would change "The Lord's Prayer" from "give us this day our daily bread" to "give us this day our daily chicken." The Pope refused his offer.

Two weeks later, the man offered the pope ten million dollars to change it from "give us this day our daily bread" to "give us this day our daily chicken" and again the Pope refused the man's generous offer. Another week later, the man offered the Pope twenty million dollars and finally the Pope accepted.

The following day, the Pope said to all his officials, "I have some good news and some bad news. 'The good news is, that we have just received a check for twenty million dollars. The bad news is, we lost the Wonder Bread account!''

# Rules for Monks

One day, two monks were in the vaults of the monastery going through the old scrolls.

"You see, there are the originals," said the first monk. "All the new scrolls were copied from these."

"Can I see one?"

"Sure. This is one outlines the rules for monkdom--" All of a sudden, the monk's face turns white and he falls to his knees.

"What? What does it say?"

"Celebrate. IT SAYS CELEBRATE!

# Nuns at a Football Game

There were these three guys at a football game and it just so happened that they were sitting behind three nuns. They couldn't see really well over their habits, so one of the guys says, "Man, I wish I lived in Ohio, there are only 25 Catholics there."

One of the other guys says, "Well, I wish I lived in Idaho because there are only 20 Catholics there."

Then the last guy says, "Well, I wish I lived in Oregon there are only 15 Catholics there."

Then one of the nuns turns around and says, "Why don't you go to hell - there are no Catholics there!"

# Lucky Leprechaun

One day, a man was golfing when he hit his ball into the woods. When he went to retrieve it, he found that it had hit a small man in green tights.

"I'm so sorry!" the man said.

"Don't worry about it. Anyway, you caught me. I'm a leprechaun and you have managed to stop me. You get three wishes."

"Oh, no, I don't want the wishes. Just as long as you're okay." The leprechaun thought the man was so nice he decided to grant three wishes for him. He gave him unlimited money, terrific health, and a great sex life. The man came back to the golf course the next year and recognized that same leprechaun.

"How're you doing?" asked the leprechaun.

"Oh, terrific. Everytime I stick my hand in my pocket a 100 dollar bill comes out and I've eaten nothing but Snickers bars for a year and I'm at my ideal weight and can run a mile faster than anyone."

"How's your sex life?" asked the leprechaun.

"Fantastic! I'm up to twice a week now!"

"Twice a week? Why so little? I gave you a great sex life wish!"

"Hey, that's not too bad for a rural priest with a small parish!"

# Walk of Faith

Three clergymen, a Catholic Priest, a Methodistt Minister, and a Jewish Rabbi, were sitting in a boat, fishing.

"I'm thirsty," said the priest. "I'm gonna go get myself some Irish whiskey." So he got out of the boat, walked across the water, and came back with his whiskey.

"Ooh, I'm thirsty too and feel like a cold beer," said the minister as he got out of the boat. He walked across the water, got a six pack of beer, and came back.

The rabbi has been watching this in amazement, but doesn't want to act overly impressed nor be outdone by his counterparts. He figures his faith is as strong as their's, so he says "I think I'll get a bottle of Mogan David wine." He steps out of the boat and sinks like a rock.

The priest grins at the minister and wispers, "Do you think we should tell him where the rocks are?"

# Impulse Purchase

One day Reverend Smith went to visit Mrs. Jenkins, one of the elder parishoners in his church. When he arrived she asked him to wait in the parlor while she went to the kitchen to get refreshments for their visit. Reverend Smith, while waiting in the parlor, happened to notice that on top of Mrs. Jenkins' organ was sitting a bowl which contained a condom floating in water.

Now Reverend Smith was very befuddled and after Mrs. Jenkins returned he couldn't help himself and asked her to explain this to him.

"Oh, Reverend Smith," she replied, "I was browsing at the corner drug store and noticed these small foil packages on a display. The package said that if you put it on your organ and keep it wet that it will prevent disease and frankly, I haven't been sick all year."

# Bound for Heaven

Father Murphy goes into a local bar in Dublin and approaches the first man he sees. "Do you want to go to Heaven?" he asks and the man says, "Indeed I do, Father."

"Then for God's sake," commands the priest, "leave this pub right now."

He then goes to the next man, "Do you want to go to Heaven, my son?"

And the man answers, "Yes Father, indeed I want to do that very thing."

"Then ye must get out of this pub right now!" orders the priest.

Father Murphy continues this throughout the pub until he comes to the last man. "Do you want to go to Heaven, man?!" exhorts the priest.

The man looks at his half-full beer, turns, looks at Father Murphy and says, "No, I don't,Father."

"You mean to tell me, young man, that when you die, you don't want to go to Heaven?" asks the priest incredulously.

"Oh, well, when I die, yes Father, I certainly do. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now!"

# Monk Test of Purity *

Three Irish monks have passed all tests, except for one. It is the test of purity. So the other monks tie bells to their dicks and put them in a room with a beautiful naked stripper the monastery has hired specifically for this test.

She dances in front of the first one, and, sure enough, he goes 'ding-ding!'

"Go take a cold shower, now!" she commands, and he goes to take a shower.

So the srtipper dances in front of the next one, and, after a couple of minutes, he goes 'ding-ding!'

"Go take a cold shower with your brother!" she yells, and he leaves. Now she goes to the last one, dancing in front of him. He doesnt ring. The stripper nods.

"Good, you've passed. Go take a shower with your brothers."

"Ding-ding!"

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Christmas Coercion

A mafioso's son sits at his desk writing a Christmas list to Jesus. He first writes, "Dear baby Jesus, I have been a good boy the whole year, so I want a new..." He looks at it, then crumples it up into a ball and throws it away.

He gets out a new piece of paper and writes again, "Dear baby Jesus, I have been a good boy for most of the year, so I want a new..." He again looks at it with disgust and throws it away.

He then gets an idea. He goes into his mother's room, takes a statue of the Virgin Mary, puts it in the closet, and locks the door. He takes another piece of paper and writes, "Dear baby Jesus. If you ever want to see your mother again..."

# Meet the Family

A young Irish lad had fallen in love with a girl and felt the relationship had gone far enough to take her home to meet his family.

So, one fine Sunday evening the lad, his lady friend and the rest of the family (17 or so people) were gathered around the dining room table.

The matriarch or the family asked the girlfriend, "So, tell me, lass, what is your occupation?"

The girl hesitated and said, "Well, Mrs. O'Malley, I'm a prostitute."

Immediately the lad's mother fainted and was surrounded by a dozen family members who splashed her face with water. Finally, she regained consciousness, returned to her seat. Soon, the family calmed down and resumed the meal.

At that point, the mother asked again, "Forgive me, dearie. I don't think I heard you correctly.... what is your occupation?"

Again the girl answered, "Mrs. O'Malley, I'm a prostitute."

The mother laughed and said, "Oh my, dearie, for a moment there I thought you said you were a Protestant!

# The Church Budget *

The new minister's wife had a baby. The minister appealed to the congregation for a salary increase to cover the addition to the family. The congregation agreed that it was only fair, and approved it. When the next child arrived, the minister appealed and again the congregation approved the increase. Several years and five children later, the congregation was a bit upset over the increasing expenses. This turned into a rather loud meeting one night with the minister.

Finally, the minister stood up and shouted "Having children is an Act of God!"

An older man in the back stood and shouted back "So are rain and snow, but we wear rubbers for them!

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Donkey Dilemma *

A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase a horse and enter it in the races. However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third!

The next day the local paper carried this headline: PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS. The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won. The paper read: PREACHER'S ASS OUT IN FRONT. The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ASS. This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The paper headline the next day read: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN. The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.00.

The next day the headline read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.00. This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey, lead it to the plains, and let it go. Next day, the headline in the paper read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE. The Bishop was buried the next day.

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Four Catholic Sons *

Four Catholic ladies were having coffee one afternoon.

The first Catholic women tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him father." "

The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him 'your grace.'"

The third Catholic lady says, "My son is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, he's called 'Your Eminence.'"

The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence, the first three women prod her with a subtle, '"Well??"

So she replies, "My son is six- foot-four. He has broad, square shoulders. Terribly handsome. Tight muscular body. Hard buns and hung like a hourse. He is also a male dancer at a female strip club and whenever he walks into a roomwomen gasp,'OH MY GOD!'"

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Did God Make You?

A grandpa and granddaughter were sitting talking when she asked, "Did God make you, Grandpa?"

"Yes, God made me," the grandfather answered.

A few minutes later, the little girl asked him, "Did God make me too?"

"Yes, He did," the older man answered.

For a few minutes, the little girl seemed to be studying her grandpa, as well as her own reflection in the mirror, while her grandfather wondered what was running through her mind.

At last she spoke up. "You know, Grandpa," she said, "God's doing a lot better job lately." 

# Blind Man and the Nun

A nun in the convent walked into the bathroom where mother superior was taking a shower. "There is a blind man to see you," she says. "Well, if he is a blind man, than it does not matter if I'm in the shower. Send him in."

The blind man walks into the bathroom, and mother superior starts to tell him how much she appreciates him working at the convent for them. She goes on and on and 10 minutes later the man interrupts: "That's nice and all, ma'am, but you can put your clothes on now. Where do you want me to put these blinds?

# Making the Most of Your Time

A fellow went to the doctor who told him that he had a bad illness and only a short while to live.

So he decided to talk to his pastor. After the man explained his situation, he asked his pastor if there was anything he could do.

"What you should do is go out and buy a late '70's or early '80's model Dodge Pickup," said the pastor. "Then go get married to the ugliest woman you can find, and buy yourselves an old trailer house in the panhandle of Oklahoma."

The fellow asked, "Will this help me live longer?"

"No," said the pastor, "but it will make what time you do have seem like forever."

# The Union Worker

Two guys and a union worker were fishing on a lake one day, when Jesus walked across the water and joined them in the boat. When the three astonished men had settled down enough to speak, the first guy asked humbly, "Jesus, I've suffered from back pain ever since I took shrapnel in the Vietnam war...could you help me?"

"Of course, my son", Jesus said, and when he touched the man's back, he felt relief for the first time in years.

The second man, who wore very thick glasses and had a hard time reading and driving, asked if Jesus could do anything about his eyesight. Jesus smiled, removed the man's glasses and tossed them in the lake. When they hit the water, the man's eyes cleared and he could see everything distinctly.

When Jesus turned to heal the union worker, the guy put his hands up and cried defensively, "Don't touch me! I'm on long term disability."

# Makes Big Money

Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50."

The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."

Little Johnny says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!"

# Only One Explanation

A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor. The doctor says, "Okay, Mrs. Smith, what's the problem?"

The mother says, "It's my daughter Lynda. She keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings."

The doctor gives Lynda a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your Lynda is pregnant - about 4 months, would be my guess."

The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you, Lynda?"

Lynda says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!"

The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out it. About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong out there doctor?"

The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I'll be darned if I'm going to miss it this time!"

# Close Enough

A minister and lawyer were chatting at a party:

"What do you do if you make a mistake on a case?" the minister asked.

"Try to fix it if it's big; ignore it if it's insignificant," replied the lawyer.

"What do you do?"

The minister replied, "Oh, more or less the same. Let me give you an example. The other day I meant to say 'the devil is the father of liars,' but instead I said 'the devil is the father of lawyers,' so I let it go."

# Pious Parrots

This lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots that I got for a good price because they came from a brothel, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest asked.

"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'"

"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "But I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two talking female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots who I have taught to pray and read the Bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship."

"Thank you," said the lady.

The next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house. The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.

The lady puts her female talking parrots in with the male talking parrots and the female parrots say, "Hi, we are prostitutes! Do you want to have some fun?"

One male parrot looks over to the other male parrot and screams, "Frank! Put the Bibles away--our prayers have been answered!"

# Final Arrangements

An elderly jewish woman in Brooklyn decided to meet with her rabbi and the funeral director who had taken care of her husband's funeral a few years earlier.

I have decided that rather than being burried beside my late husband Saul, I would like to be creamated.

"Very good," said the funeral director, "what would you like done with your ashes?"

"I would like my ashes scattered all over Bloomingdales," said the woman..

"Why Bloomingdales?" asked the rabbi.

"Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."

# Four Conditions

The Pope had been diagnosed as having a potentially fatal testicular disease and after treatment he was told that he had to have sex with a woman to confirm that the treatment had been fully successful. He called all his Cardinals together and told them what he had to be done and they agreed it was necessary.

The Pope said he would go ahead with it but insisted on four conditions. "Firstly", he said " the girl has to be blind so she cannot see it's the Holy Father and tell the whole world" "Secondly, she must be deaf so that she doesn't recognize the Holy Father's voice and tell the whole world" "Thirdly, as a precaution, she has to be dumb so she cannot tell the whole world anyway"

At this point one of the Cardinals stood up and said " Leave it to me Holy Father, I know just the woman for you" As the Cardinal was about to leave the Pope said " wait a moment, I told you there are four conditions".

He beckoned the Cardinal over and as the Cardinal bent down towards him, the Pope whispered in his ear ... "Big Tits!".

# Just Like You Said

A married man goes to confessional and says to the priest, "Father, I had an affair with a woman... almost." "What do you mean almost?" question the priest. "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped." "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in," explains the priest. "You're not to go near that woman again. Now, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."

The man leaves confessional, says his prayers, and then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then decides to leave. The priest quickly runs over to the man and exclaims, "I saw that... you didn't put any money in the poor box!" "Well Father, I rubbed up against it and, like you said, it's the same as putting it in!"

# Crossword Puzzle *

Imagine his surprise when the Pope sat down in the seat next to him for the flight. Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to the Pontiff. Shortly after take-off, the Pope began a crossword puzzle. 'This is fantastic,' thought the gentleman. 'I'm really good at crosswords. Perhaps, if the Pope gets stuck, he'll ask me for assistance.'

Almost immediately, the Pope turned to the gentleman and said, "Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word that ends in 'unt' are refers to a woman?" Only one word leapt to mind... a vulgar one. 'I can't tell the Pope that. There must be another,' thought the gentleman. Then, it hit him. He turned to the Pope and said, "I think you're looking for the word 'aunt'."

"Of course!" exclaimed the Pope. "I don't suppose you happen to have an eraser? "

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Mommy's Busy

Little Johnny's mother was trying hard to get the tomato sauce to come out of the bottle.

During her struggle the phone rang so she asked Little Johnny to answer the phone.

"It's the minister, Mommy," Little Johnny said to his mother. Then he added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."

# Valiant Service

One Sunday morning, the minister noticed little Alex was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. It was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it.

The seven year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the minister walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, "Good morning, Alex."

"Good morning, Preacher," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque. "Preacher, what is this?"

"Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."

Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little Alex's voice was barely audible, trembling with fear, when he asked,"Which service, the 8:15 or the 10:30?"

# Vulgar Parrot *

An elderly woman was looking for a pet to be a good companion and not much trouble.

The pet store owner suggested a parrot, showed it to her and guaranteed her it would be a wonderful companion.

The woman asked if it would behave if she took it to church with her on Sundays.

The owner said it shouldn't be a problem and that she could put him on her shoulder and he would stay there.

She bought the parrot and for the next week spent time getting to know him.

Assured that he spoke properly and was well behaved, she put him on her shoulder and went off to church.

Just as everyone quieted down and the sermon began, the parrot looked around, squawked and said, "It's goddamned cold in here!"

Everyone turned to look at her and she ran out of the church in total embarrassment! All the next week, she talked to the parrot explaining the necessity to remain quiet during church.

The parrot understood so she put him on her shoulder and went to church the following Sunday.

Once again, just as everything got quiet and the sermon began,the parrot squawked, looked around and loudly proclaimed, "It's goddamned cold in here!!"

And again the woman ran from the church. The next day she returned to the pet store and explained the embarrassing situation to the owner.

Since she didn't want to get rid of the parrot, the owner offered the following solution:

If the parrot does that again, grab him by the legs and swing him around 5 or 6 times and return him to your shoulder." "That'll work?" asked the woman. "Guaranteed!" exclaimed the owner.

So, the next Sunday she took the parrot to church and, sure enough, just as the sermon started, the parrot squawked, "It's goddamned cold in here!!" Without any hesitation, the woman grabbed his legs, swung him around 5 or 6 times and placed him back on her shoulder.

The parrot shook his head, ruffled his feathers and said, "Pretty fuckin' windy, too!"

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Atheist and the Bear

An atheist was walking through the woods one day in Alaska, admiring all that evolution had created. "What majestic trees! What a powerful river! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself. As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. Turning to look, he saw a 13-foot Kodiak brown bear beginning to charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could down the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was rapidly closing on him. Somehow, he ran even faster, so scared that tears came to his eyes. He looked again and the bear was even closer. His heart pounding in his chest, he tried to run faster yet. But alas, he tripped and fell to the ground. As he rolled over to pick himself up, the bear was right over him, reaching for him with its left paw and raising its right paw to strike him.

"OH MY GOD! ..."

Time stopped.

The bear froze.

The forest was silent.

Even the river stopped moving ...

As a brilliant light shone upon the man, a thunderous voice came from all around...

"YOU DENY MY EXISTENCE FOR ALL THESE YEARS, TEACH OTHERS THAT I DON'T EXIST AND EVEN CREDIT CREATION TO SOME COSMIC ACCIDENT. DO YOU EXPECT ME TO HELP YOU OUT OF THIS PREDICAMENT? AM I TO COUNT YOU AS A BELIEVER?"

Difficult as it was, the atheist looked directly into the light and said, "It would be hypocritical to ask to be a Christian after all these years, but perhaps you could make the bear a Christian?"

"VERY WELL." Said God.

The light went out.

The river ran.

The sounds of the forest resumed.

... and the bear dropped down on his knees, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, thank you for this food which I am about to receive."

# Cheese from Heaven

A Mexican family crosses over the border to the Land of Milk and Honey where the streets are paved with gold. But the husband can find no work.

His family is hungry, so he takes a walk to a quiet place at the foot of a big hill, kneels at the base of a tree, and begins to pray: "Sweet Jesus, please show me a way to feed my family..."

Eyes closed, the Mexican does not see the black man coming over the top of the hill, who is stumbling wildly with a broken grocery sack. When the Mexican man opens his eyes, a large wheel of cheddar cheese rolls down the hill an lands at his feet!

"Oh, thank you Jesus, thank you!" he cries, grabs the cheese, and runs straight home. Upon returning home, he gives the cheese to his wife and instructs her to make nachos.

"But wouldn't you rather have cheese enchiladas and burritos and other things?" she inquires. "No," the husband says, "Jesus sent this to me with a message... As I ran home,

I kept hearing Him yell, ' THAT'S NACHO CHEESE! THAT'S NACHO CHEESE!'

# Blind Golfers

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning at the third tee while a particularly slow group of golfers were flailing away ahead of them.

Engineer: "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"

Doctor: "I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude!"

Priest: "Hey, here comes the marshal. Let's have a word with him."

Priest: "Hi George. Say George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow aren't they?"

George: "Oh yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight while saving our club house last year. So we let them play here anytime free of charge."

Doctor: "Wow! Thanks for the scoop, George."

Priest: "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

Doctor: "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."

After a short pause ...

Engineer: "Why can't these guys play at night?"

# Making Your Prayers Count

Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents the week before Christmas. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs.

"I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE..... I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO..... I PRAY FOR A NEW VCR..."

His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf."

To which the little brother replied, "No, but Grandma is!"

# The 11th Commandment

Toward the end of Bill Clinton's second term, a very important meeting took place among God, the Pope and Moses. They were troubled because the President of the United States was behaving in an inappropriate manner and there were many people who saw nothing wrong in what he had done.

They decided that the only course of action left was to create an 11th Commandment to get their message across. Now, the problem remained exactly how to word this new commandment so that it matched the other commandments in style and holy inspiration.

After great meditation and discussion they concluded: "Thou shalt not comfort thy rod with thy staff."

# Leprechaun Bet *

Two Leprechauns have a bet. To settle their bet, they take it to a convent. Mother Suprior answers the door, and says "Oh my goodness! Its a leprechaun!"

The firt Leprechaun replies, "Take it easy sister, I only wanna ask you a qustion. Are there any nuns in your convent that are my size?"

"No, little man, there is no nuns in my convent that are your size."

"Alright then. Are there any nuns in all of Ireland, that are my size?"

"No, little man, there are no nuns in all of Ireland that are your size."

"Alright then. One more question: Are there any nuns in all of the world, that are my size?"

"No, little man, I am quite sure there are no nuns in all of the word that are your size!"

"Okay then." The second Leprechaun starts laughing his ass off. But through the laughter, he manages to say "You see, I told you that you must have fucked a penguin!"

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# How Did You Know?

A speeding motorist was caught by radar from a police helicopter in the sky. An officer pulled him over and began to issue a traffic ticket. "How did you know I was speeding?" the frustrated driver asked.

The police officer pointed somberly toward the sky.

"You mean," asked the motorist, "that even He is against me?"

# The Redneck and the Nun **

A redneck gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The redneck looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him. The nun surprised by the question politely declines and gets off the bus at the next stop.

When the bus starts on it's way the driver says to the redneck, "I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you". The redneck says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery and pray's to God. If you went dressed in a robe and glow in the dark paint mask she would think you are god and you could command her to have sex with you.

The redneck decides this is a great idea, so on Tuesday he goes to the dark cemetery and waits for the nun to show up. At midnight sure enough the nun showed up, while she was in the middle of praying the redneck jumped out from hiding and says. "I AM GOD. I have heard your prayers and I will answer them BUT ... first you must have sex with me."

The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity because she is married to the church. The redneck agrees to this and has his way with the nun. After the redneck finishes he stands up and rips off the mask and shouts "Ha, Ha Ha I'm the redneck!!"

Then the nun jumps up, throws off her habit, and shouts "Ha Ha Ha I'm the bus driver!!"

_** Risque_

# Praying for Money

A preacher went into his church and he was praying to God. While he was praying, he asked God, "How long is 10 million years to you?"

He replied, "1 second."

The next day the preacher asked God, "God, how much is 10 million dollars to you?"

And God replied, "A penny."

Then finally the next day the preacher asked God, "God, can I have one of your pennies?"

And God replied, "Just wait a sec."

# Wrong Religion

There was an American basketball player named Bobby that had a tournament in Belfast. After one of his games he stepped outside for a breath of fresh air when he felt a gun in his back.

"What's your religion?" he heard the man growl.

Bobby had no real religion but he knew if he said he was Catholic and this guy was a Protestant he would kill him and if he said he was Protestant and the guy was Catholic he would kill him.

Thinking quickly he said "I'm Jewish."

The gunman replied, "Oh Allah I must be the luckiest Arab in all of Ireland."

# Financial Responsibility

A man was brought to the hospital, and taken quickly in for emergency surgery. The operation went well, and as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy, who was waiting by his bed.

"Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," said the nun, gently patting his hand. "We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?"

"No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely.

"Can you pay in cash?" persisted the nun.

"I'm afraid I cannot, Sister."

"Well, do you have any close relatives?" the nun essayed.

"Just my sister in New York," he volunteered. "But she's a spinster nun."

"Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not 'spinsters;' they are married to God."

"Really...wonderful," said Smith. "In that case, you can send the bill to my brother-in-law!

# Late for Church

One Sunday morning a little girl in her Sunday best was running so she wouldn't be late for church.

As she ran she kept praying, "Dear God, please don't let me be late to church. Please don't let me be late to church...." As she was running she tripped and fell.

When she got back up she began praying again...

"Please, God don't let me be late to church -- but don't shove me either! 

# Is He Dangerous?

The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went. Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again.

After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, "If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"

# Don't Talk in Church

Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud.

Finally, his big sister had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church."

"Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked.

Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers!"

# Dead Seagull

A woman went to the beach with her children. Her 4-year-old son ran up to her, grabbed her hand, and led her to the shore where a dead seagull lay in the sand.

"Mommy, what happened to him?" the little boy asked.

"He died and went to heaven," she replied.

The child thought for a moment and said, "And God threw him back down?"

# Talkative Pediatrician

A four year old was at the pediatrician for a check up. As the doctor looked down her ears with an otoscope, he asked, "Do you think I'll find Big Bird in here?"

The little girl stayed silent.

Next, the doctor took a tongue depressor and looked down her throat. He asked, "Do you think I'll find the Cookie Monster down there?"

Again, the little girl was silent.

Then the doctor put a stethoscope to her chest. As he listened to her heart beat, he asked, "Do you think I'll hear Barney in there?"

"Oh, no!" the little girl replied. "Jesus is in my heart. Barney's on my underpants."

# The Maligned Preacher

The preacher rose with a red face. "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the K.K.K. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family!"

No one moved.

The preacher continued, " Do you not have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood. Remember, you will be forgiven and in our heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression!"

Again all was quiet.

Slowly a "drop dead" gorgeous blonde with a body that would not stop rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke. "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Klu Klux Klan. I just told a couple of my friends you were a wizard under the sheets."

# The Blonde Nun

One night a Blond Nun was praying in her room when God appeared before her.

"My daughter, you have pleased me greatly. Your heart is full of love for your fellow creatures and your actions and prayers are always for the benefit of others. I have come to you, not only to thank and commend you, but to grant you anything you wish."

"Dear Heavenly Father, I am perfectly happy. I am a bride of Christ. I am doing what I love. I lack for nothing material since the Church supports me. I am content in all ways."

"There must be something you would have of me," said God.

"Well, there is one thing," she said.

"Just name it," said God.

"It's those blonde jokes. They are so demeaning to blondes everywhere, not just to me. I would like for blonde jokes to stop."

"Consider it done," said God. "Blonde jokes shall be stricken from the minds of humans. But surely there is something that I could do just for you."

"There is one thing. But it's really small, and not worth your time," said the nun.

"Name it. Please," said God.

"It's the M&M's," said the nun. "They're so hard to peel!"

# His Last Request

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.

He says, "So what's bothering you, dear?"

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"

She says, "That he did, Father..."

The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"

She says, "He said, 'Please, Mary, put down that damn gun...'"

# A Matter of Faith

A Jew, a Christian and a Muslim were having a discussion about who was the most religious.

"I was riding my camel in the middle of the Sahara," exclaimed the Muslim. Suddenly a fierce sandstorm appeared from nowhere. I truly thought my end had come as I lay next to my camel while we being buried deeper and deeper under the sand. But I did not lose my faith in the Almighty Allah, I prayed and prayed and suddenly, for a hundred metres all around me, the storm had stopped. Since that day I am a devout Muslim and am now learning to recite the Koran by memory."

"One day while fishing," started the Christian," I was in my little dinghy in the middle of the ocean. Suddenly a fierce storm appeared from nowhere. I truly thought my end had come as my little dinghy was tossed up and down in the rough ocean. But I did not lose my faith in Jesus Christ, I prayed and prayed and suddenly, for 300 metres all around me, the storm had stopped. Since that day I am a devout Christian and am now teaching young children about Him."

"One day I was walking down the road," explained the Jew," I was in my most expensive designer outfit in the middle of New York city. Suddenly I saw a black bag on the ground in front of me appear from nowhere. I put my hand inside and found a million dollars in cash. I truly thought my end had come as it was a Saturday and we are not allowed to handle money on Saturdays. But I did not lose my faith in Jehova, I prayed and prayed and suddenly, for 500 metres all around me, it was Tuesday... "

# No Vacancy

Many years agao, a Jewish lady named Mrs. Rosenberg was stranded late one night at a fashionable resort hotel on Cape Cod --one that did not admit Jews.

The desk clerk looked down at his book and said, "Sorry, no room. The hotel is full."

The Jewish lady said, "But your sign says that you have vacancies." The desk clerk stammered and then said curtly, "You know that we do not admit Jews. Now if you will try the other side of town..."

Mrs. Rosenberg stiffened noticeably and said, "I'll have you know, I converted to your religion."

The desk clerk said, "Oh, yeah, let me give you a little test.

How was Jesus born?"

Mrs. Rosenberg replied, "He was born to a virgin named Mary in a little town called Bethlehem."

"Very good," replied the hotel clerk. "Tell me more."

Mrs. Rosenberg replied, "He was born in a manger."

"That's right," said the hotel clerk. "And why was he born in a manger?"

Mrs. Rosenberg said loudly, "Because a jerk like you in the hotel wouldn't give a Jewish lady a room for the night!"

# Brotherly Love

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, age five, and Ryan, age three. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.

Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait'".

Kevin turned to his younger brother & said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!" 

# Everyone's Falling Down

An old priest got sick of everyone in his parish confessing adultery. During one Sunday's sermon he told them, "If one more person confesses to adultery, I'll quit!"

Since everyone liked him, they decided to use a code word: "fallen." From then on, anyone who had committed adultery said they had "fallen." This satisfied the old priest and the parishioners, and everything was fine for years, until finally the old priest passed away at the ripe old age of 93.

Shortly after the new young priest settled in, he paid a call on the mayor. The priest was quite concerned. "You have to do something about the sidewalks in this town, Mayor. You can't believe how many people come into the confessional talking about having fallen!"

The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had explained their code word to the new priest.

But before the mayor could explain, the priest shook his finger at the mayor and said - "I don't know why you're laughing; your wife fell three times last week!"

# The Greatest Man

One day at kindergarten a teacher said to the class of 5-year olds, "I'll give two dollars to the child who can tell me who was the greatest man who ever lived."

An Irish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St.Patrick."

The teacher said, "Sorry Sean, that's not correct."

Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Andrew."

The teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Hamish, that's not right either.

Finally, a Jewish boy raised his hand and said, "It was Jesus Christ."

The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, Marvin, come up here and I'll give you the two dollars."

As the teacher was giving Marvin his money, she said, "You know Marvin, since you're Jewish, I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ."

Marvin replied, "Yeah. In my heart I knew it was Moses, but business is business!"

# Mass Hypnosis

A local preacher was dissatisfied with the small amount in the collection plates each Sunday. Someone suggested to him that perhaps he might be able to hypnotize the congregation into giving more.

"And just how would I go about doing that?" he asked.

"It is very simple. First you turn off the air conditioner so that the auditorium is warmer than usual. Then you preach in a monotone voice. Meanwhile, you dangle a watch on a chain and swing it in a slow arc above the lectern and suggest they put 20 dollars in the collection plate."

So the very next Sunday, the reverend did as suggested, and lo and behold, the plates were full of 20 dollar bills! Now, the preacher did not want to take advantage of this technique each and every Sunday. So therefore, he waited for a couple of weeks and then tried his mass hypnosis again.

Just as the last of the congregation was becoming mesmerized, the chain on the watch broke and the watch hit the lectern with a loud thud and springs and parts flew everywhere. "Crap!" exclaimed the pastor.

It took them a week to clean up the church.

# Buying Train Tickets

There were three priests in a railroad station, all wanting to go home to Pittsburgh. Behind the ticket counter was a very, very shapely lass, well endowed, gorgeous, amazing woman. The priests were all in embarrassing new territory, so they drew straws to determine who would get the tickets.

The first priest approached the window... "Young lady," he began, "I would like three pickets to titsburg." Whereupon he completely lost his composure and fled.

The second priest approached... "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh," he began, "and I would like the change in nipples and dimes." He turns red and runs away.

Then came the third... "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh, and I would like the change in nickels and dimes. And I must say," he continued, "if you insist on dressing like that when you get to the pearly gates - St. Finger's going to shake his peter at you!"

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Renounce Satan

Father Murphy was ministering to a man on his deathbed. "Renounce Satan!" yelled Father Sullivan.

"No!," said the dying man.

"I say, renounce the devil and his works!"

"No way!," the man repeats.

"And why, in the name of all that is holy, not?" asks Father Murphy.

"Because," said the dying man... "I want to wait until I see where I'm heading before I start pissing anyone off!"

# Brother Sebastion

Brother Sebastion joins an order of monks where there is a vow of chastity, poverty, and silence. After he is inducted, the old abbot explains to him that every seven years he will be able to speak two words to the abbot, so he should choose his words carefully and make sure they are important. After the first seven years, Brother Sevastion is brought before the abbot and asked if he is ready to speak his two words. Brother Sebastion nods and then says: "Hard bed."

The abbot records the two words with his quill pen in a large leather bound journal, and then dismisses Brother Sebastion.

Another seven years pass, and again Brother Sebastion is summoned to come before the abbot and speak his two words. This time he says: "Bad food."

Again the abbot records the two words in the leather bound journal and then dismisses Brother Sebastion.

Seven more years pass, and for the third time Brother Sebastion is brought before the abbot to speak his two words. This time he says: "I Quit."

The old abbot pauses for a second, then he thumbs back through the book and reads the earlier entries and remarks: "Well it doesn't surprise me, all you've done is complain the whole time you've been here."

# The Parking Ticket

A driver tucked a note under her windshield wiper and dashed off:

"I've circled the block for 20 minutes. I'm late for an appointment, and if I don't park here I'll lose my job. Forgive us our trespasses."

Returning, she came back only to find a parking ticket and this note:

"I've circled the block for 20 years, and if I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. . . Lead us not into temptation."

# Jewish Lawyer's Son

A Jewish lawyer was troubled by the way his son turned out, and went to see his Rabbi about it. "I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive bar mitzvah, cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he tells me last week he has decided to be a Christian. Rabbi... where did I go wrong?"

"Funny you should come to me," said the Rabbi. "Like you, I, too, brought my boy up in the faith, put him through University, cost me a fortune, then one day he comes and tells me he has decided to become a Christian."

"What did you do?" asked the lawyer.

"I turned to God for the answer," replied the rabbi.

"And what did he say?"

He said, "Funny you should come to me..."

# So Far I'm Doing Alright

A man is by himself when he looks up and says; "Dear Heavenly Father, I think you'd be proud of me! So far today I've done all right. I haven't gossiped, lusted, lost my temper, haven't been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or overindulgent. Praise Your Name! I'm grateful for Your grace...

But Lord, a few minutes from now, I'm getting out of bed... From then on I'm going to need a lot MORE of Your help! "

# In Lieu of Prayer

A plane full of retirees headed for Florida was gripped with fear when the pilot announced, "Two of our engines are on fire; we are flying through a heavy fog, and it has eliminated virtually all our visibility."

The passengers were numb with fear, except for one... a semi-retired minister...

"Now, now, keep calm, folks" he said. "Let's all bow our heads and pray."

Immediately, the group bowed their heads to pray... except fellow near the back.

"Why aren't you bowing your head to pray?" the minister asked.

"Well, I don't know how to pray," replied the passenger.

"Well, just do something religious!" piped up another well meaning passenger.

So the man got up and started down the aisle passing his hat...

# Visiting Pastor

A pastor went out one Saturday to visit his church members. At one house, it was obvious that someone was home, but nobody came to the door even though the preacher knocked several times. Finally, the preacher took out his card, wrote out "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it, and stuck it in the door.

"Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and dine with him, and he with me. - Revelation 3:20 "

The next day, the card turned up in the collection plate. Below the preacher's message was written the following notation:

"I heard your voice in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; and I hid myself. - Genesis 3:10 "

# The Conversion

A protestant moved into a completely Catholic community. Being good Catholics they welcomed him into their community. But, also because they were good Catholics they did not eat red meat on Fridays. So, when their neighbor began barbequeing some juicy steak on Friday night, they began to squirm.

They were so annoyed that they went to talk to him about it. After much talk they conviced him to become Catholic. The next Sunday he went to the priest and the priest sprinkled holy water on him and said: You were born Protestant. You were raised Protestant. But now you are Catholic!"

And so, the next Friday, as the neighbors sat down to eat their fish, they were disturbed by the smell of roast beef coming from the neighboring house. They went over to talk to the new Catholic because he knew he was not supposed to eat beef on Fridays. When they saw him, he was sprinkling ketchup on the beef saying: "You were born a cow. You were raised a cow. But now you are fish! "

# Can I Use the Car

A teenage boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father who was a minister, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to his study and said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your bible a little and get your hair cut and we'll talk about it."

After about a month the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss use of the car.

They again went to the father's study where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut!"

The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair...."

To which his father replied... "Yes, you're right... and they also WALKED every where they went!"

# Biblical PMS

One day a woman went to her pastor and asked, "Pastor there are some things in life that aren't addressed in the Bible; how are we supposed to deal with them.

The Pastor responded, "There are no such things, give me an example of what you are talking about".

The woman responded, "PMS is not in the Bible". So the Pastor thought and told the woman to call back in the morning and he would have the answer.

The woman called the next morning and asked if the Pastor had an answer about PMS in the Bible.

The Pastor replied, "Yes, it's the part where Mary rides Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem!!!".

# Grave Side Service

A young preacher was contacted by the local funeral director to hold a grave side committal service at a small local cemetery for someone with no family or friends.

The preacher started early but quickly got himself lost, making several wrong turns. He arrived a half-hour late, the hearse was nowhere in site, and the workmen were eating lunch.

The pastor went to the open grave and found the vault lid already in place. Taking out his book, he read the service.

As he was returning to his car, he overheard one of the workmen say: "Do you think we should tell him it's a septic tank?"

# The Key to Heaven **

It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath, and young nun, Sister Magdalene had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed. Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.

The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone.

"Oh, sister," said the young nun dreamily. "I've been saved.

"Saved? And how did that fine thing come about?" asked the old nun

"Well, when Fr. John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven."

"Did he now?" said the old nun evenly.

Sister Magdalene continued, "And Fr. John said that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured of salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock."

"Is that a fact?" said the old nun even more evenly.

"At first it hurt terribly, but Fr. John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved."

"That wicked old Devil!" said the old nun. "He told me it was Gabriel's Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years!"

_** Risque_

# Learning English

A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and build things to be self-sufficient gets the word that he is to return home. He realizes that the one thing he never taught the natives was how to speak English, so he takes the chief and starts walking in the forest.

He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree." The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree." The missionary is pleased with the response.

They walk a little farther and the padre points to a rock and says, "This is a rock." Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock." The padre is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple in the midst of heavy sexual activity. The padre is really flustered and quickly says, "Riding a bike."

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blow gun and kills them. The padre goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could he just kill these people in cold blood that way?

The chief replied, "My bike!"

# Rabbi Does Confession

A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unmanned, he called a rabbi friend up and asked him to cover for him. The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him and show him what to do. The rabbi comes and he and the priest are in the confessional.

In a few minutes a woman comes in and says "Father forgive me for I have sinned."

The priest asks "What did you do?".

The woman says "I Committed adultery."

Priest: "How many times?"

Woman: "Three times."

Priest: "Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box and go and sin no more."

A few minutes later another woman enters the confessional. She says "Father forgive me for I have sinned."

Priest: "What did you do?"

Woman: "I committed adultery."

Priest: "How many times?"

Woman: "Three times."

Priest: "Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box and go and sin no more."

The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it so the priest leaves.

A few minutes later another woman enters and says "Father forgive me for I have sinned."

Rabbi: "What did you do?"

Woman: "I committed adultery."

Rabbi: "How many times?"

Woman: "Just once."

Rabbi: "Go do it two more times. We have a special this week, three for $5."

# Nuns at the Zoo

Three nun's were touring the local zoo one sunny afternoon having a picnic. While wandering around, they entered the monkey house.

Unfortunately, one of the nuns got to close to the gorilla cage and he pulled her inside. He savagely beat and raped the nun. It took 4 guards to pull the nun to safety. The nun spent three months in the hospital recovering and then was sent to a convent in England, for six months, to recover emotionally.

Amazingly, the same three nuns met up again the next year in the park. The younger of the two asked her if she minded talking about the experience in the zoo.

She said, "Of course not".

The younger nun asked "Did it hurt?"

The sister replied "Of course! He never called and he never wrote."

# Nuns and the Vanpire

A brunette nun and a blonde nun were driving down the road at night when a scary vampire jumped out in front of their car, causing them to slam on the brakes. The brunette nun in the driver's seat panics, turns to the blonde nun in the passenger seat and says, "Quick, show him your cross."

So the blonde nun hastily rolls down her window and yells, "Get outta the way, you ugly big-toothed bastard!"

# The Collection Money

Two priests and a rabbi were discussing what portion of the weekly collection they kept for themselves.

The first priest explained that he drew a circle on the ground, stepped a few paces back and pitched the money towards the circle. What landed in the circle he kept and what landed outside the circle God kept.

The second priest claimed that his method was almost the same, except that what landed outside the circle went to the priest and the money that landed inside the circle God kept.

The rabbi said, "I've got you both beat.

I throw ALL the money into the air, and what God wants, God takes!"

# Sisters of Mercy Brothel

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway, when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It says SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES.

He thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought. Soon, he sees another sign which says SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES and realizes that these signs are for real.

When he drives past a third sign saying SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT, his curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive.

On the far side of the parking lot is a somber stone building with a small sign next to the door reading SISTERS OF MERCY. He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks "What may we do for you, my son?"

He answers "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business."

"Very well, my son. Please follow me."

He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door, and tells the man "Please knock on this door." He does as he is told and this door is answered by another nun in a long habit and holding a tin cup. This nun instructs "Please place $50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway." He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup. He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:

GO IN PEACE, YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF MERCY.

# A Candle for Fertility

On his tour to the U.S., the Pope visited a couple who had been childless for six years, try as they might to have a baby. The Pope promised to light a candle for them at the Vatican.

A decade later, the Pope returned and dropped in on the couple again and found nine children romping around the house.

Congratulating the wife on her fruitfulness, the Pope looked around and asked, "But where is your husband?"

"Jim?" the haggard woman said. "Oh, he went to Rome to blow out that candle!"

# Jehovah's Witness

A Jehovah's Witness knocked on the front door of a home, and heard a faint, high pitched, "Come In". He tried the door and it was locked, so he went around to the back door.

He knocked again and heard again the high pitched "Come In". As he entered the kitchen a large, mean, snarling Doberman met him. As he plastered himself against the wall he called out for help. Again, he heard the "Come In".

He slid down the wall to the living room to see a parrot in cage. He said, "For Pete's sake, is that all you can say is 'Come In'?!" The parrot laughed and said "Sic him!"

# Immaculate Conception **

A woman starts dating a doctor. Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they don't know what to do. About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection.

The doctor says to the woman, "I know what we'll do. After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle."

"Do you think it will work?" she asks the doctor.

"It's worth a try," he says.

So the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest. After the operation he goes in to the priest and says, "Father, you're not going to believe this."

"What?" says the priest. "What happened?"

"You gave birth to a child."

"But that's impossible!"

"I just did the operation," insists the doctor. "It's a miracle! Here's your baby."

About fifteen years go by, and the priest realizes that he must tell his son the truth. One day he sits the boy down and says, "Son, I have something to tell you. I'm not your father."

The son says, "What do you mean, you're not my father?"

The priest replies, "I'm your mother. The archbishop is your father."

_** Risque_

# The Dog's Funeral

A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the countryside with a pet dog which he loved and doted on. After many long years of companionship, the dog finally died so Muldoon went to the parish priest:

"Father, my dear old dog is dead. Could you be saying a mass for the creature?"

Father Patrick replied, "I am so very sorry to hear about your dog`s death. But, unfortunately we cannot have services for an animal in the church. However, there`s a new denomination down the road, no telling what they believe, but maybe they`ll do something for the animal."

Muldoon said, "I`ll go right now. Do you think $500 is enough to donate for the service?"

Father Patrick: "$500? - Why didn`t you tell me the dog was Catholic?!"

# Nun and the Camel **

A priest and a blonde nun were lost in the desert, riding on a camel. All of a sudden, the camel dies, and their only transportation is gone.

The nun and the priest are now doomed to die, and they decide to just sit and talk and confess some things ... during their conversations, they come across the subject of sex.

The nun then shyly speaks, "I am a virgin, and have never seen what is between a man's legs".

So the priest, being pretty confident about his size, whips it out, and tells her, "This is a tool ... the tool that gives life".

The blonde nun thinks for awhile, and says - "Well then just shove that thing up that dead camel's ass and we'll be back on our way!"

_** Risque_

# Another Miracle

Late one night a car was swerving all over the road. A police officer pulled it over and went up to the vehicle. He then noticed it was the local priest, Father McBrian. The officer then asked him why he was swerving all over the road. He said he wasn't.

The officer immediately asked him, "Father, have you been drinking?"

"No..." replied Father McBrian.

"Is that alchol in your bottle there Father?" suggested the officer.

"No it's just my water" answered Father McBrian.

The officer took it and smelled it. He then said "Father this is wine."

Father McBrian then burst "Praise the Lord, He's done It again!"

# Rabbi Gives Last Rites

On a busy day, on a busy corner, there is a big accident in which there is a victim. The man who has been injured request for a priest.

The police officer on the scene turns around and ask if there is a priest in the crowd. Nobody answers. The man still cryes out "A priest, a priest please".

The officer once again turns around and ask if there is a priest in the crowd. Suddenly, an old jewish rabbi comes up and say "Officer, I'm a 70 year old Rabbi, but I've lived for 20 years behind St. Patrick church. Every night I hear them in their prayers. Maybe I can help."

So the officer bring the Rabbi to the dying man. The Rabbi kneels down and addresses these following words to the dying man:

"B1-I18-N44-G56-O75"

# Two Beggars

Two beggars are sitting on a park bench outside a church on a Sunday morning. They are both dressed in rags, each is holding a top hat, the one has a large cross around his neck and the other a large Star of David. After church, the congregants file out, each placing money in the hat belonging to the beggar with the cross while ignoring the beggar with the Star of David. Soon the hat of the beggar with the cross is overflowing with money while the other beggar's hat remains empty.

A priest who has been watching this approaches the bench and says to the beggar with the Star of David around his neck "My son, surely you realize you are in a Christian country, in a Christian neighborhood, on a Sunday morning, sitting outside a church? How can you possibly expect anyone to give you any money, especially since you are wearing a large Star of David around your neck?"

On hearing this the beggar with the Star of David around his neck turns to the other beggar and says "Moshe, can you believe this priest trying to tell us how to run our business!"

# Perfect Penance

The new nun goes to her first confession. She tells the priest that she has a terrible secret and he tells her that her secret is safe in the sanctity of the confessional.

She says, "Father, I never wear panties under my habit."

The priest chuckles and says, "That's not so serious. Say five Hail Marys, five Our Fathers, and do six cartwheels on your way to the altar."

# Nuns Eating Dogs

Two Scottish nuns had just arrived to the US by boat when one said to the other, "I heard that the occupants of this country actually eat dogs."

"Odd," her companion replied, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."

Nodding emphatically, the mother superior pointed to a hot dog vendor and they both walked towards it.

"Two dogs, please," said one.

The vendor was only too pleased to oblige and he wrapped both hot dogs in foil. Excited, the nuns hurried over to a bench and began to unwrap their 'dogs.'

The mother superior was first to open hers, then, stared at it for a moment, leaned over to the other nun and whispered cautiously, "What part did you get?"

# Sex Before Mass

The young newly married Catholic couple were regular attendants at Mass. As like all newly married couples, they were in a constant state of arousal. Well they didn't want to do anything wrong so they approached their Parish Priest for advice.

Father, the young couple asked ... "is it ok to have sex before Mass ?"

The not so young Priest responded after a few moments of reflection ... "yes my children it's ok to have sex before Mass .. but please don't block the aisles..."

# Bible Belt Blasphemy

George and Fred are having a beer in their local watering hole and discussing George's vacation back to the Midwest.

"Just where did you go and what did you do on your vacation?" asks Fred.

""Well," says George," we went back to Nebraska to visit my wife's relatives and stayed with them for two weeks on her folk's farm."

"How did that go?" Fred inquires.

"It actually went pretty well," says George," except that I really had to watch my language. See her family are the typical bible belt conservatives and wouldn't have been able to tollerate the kind of language we use here in the bar. They use words like 'cripes' and 'for cripes sake' when they are angry. The local preacher says that is blasphemy, using the name of Jesus Cripes, the son of Gosh, in vain. He told them that if they don't stop that they could be darned and end up in heck."

# Praying for Help

A guy named Joe finds himself in dire trouble. His business started going bust and he found himself in serious financial trouble. He was so desperate that he decided to pray for help.

"Oh Lord, please help me, I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well, please let me win the lotto".

Lotto night arrived and somebody else won the prize.

Joe again looked up and prayed..."Oh Lord, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well".

Again, Lotto night came and went and Joe still had no luck.

Once again, he prayed..."Oh, Lord, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house and my car. My wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order ... "

Suddenly there was a blinding flash of light as the heavens opened and Joe was confronted by the voice of the Lord himself: "JOE, MEET ME HALFWAY ON THIS ONE ... BUY A TICKET!"

# Hiding from the Nazis

This elderly Italian guy goes to his parish priest and asked if he would hear his confession. The priest assured him that he would, and the two took up the customary positions on either side of the divider.

"Well, Father," began the old man, "At the beginning of World War II a beautiful Jewish woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans. So I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."

"That's a wonderful thing," interjected the priest, "But it's certainly nothing you need to confess!" "It's gets worse Father," continued the elderly fellow, "I was weak and I told her that she had to repay me for hiding her, by providing me with sexual favors."

The priest contemplated this disclosure for a minute and then responded, "Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a very large risk. You would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her. I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil of your acts, and judge you kindly."

"Thank you Father," said the old man. "That's a load off my mind! Can I ask another question?"

"Of course, my son," said the priest.

The old man asked, "Do I have to tell her that the war is over?"

# Deserter and the Nun *

A deserter GI Texan was running down a road escaping from two MPs. He came to a fork in the road and saw a nun standing there. He asked her, "Please Sister, may I hide under your skirts for afew minutes. I'll explain why later."

The nun agreed to his request. Shortly thereafter, the two MPs came running along and asked her if she had seen a soldier running down the road. She replied, "He went that way".

After the MPs disappeared, the Texan crawled out from under her skirt and said. "I can't thank youenough Sister, but you see I don't want to go to Iraq."

The nun said she understood.

The Texan said, "I hope you don't think me rude or impertinent, but you have the most beautiful pair of legs I've ever seen!"

The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher,you would have seen the most beautiful pair of balls you've ever seen! I don't want to go to Iraq either!"

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# The New Preacher

The new preacher was a dead ringer for Conway Twitty. One day he decided to visit some of the church members who hadn't been to service lately. He went to the first lady's house and knocked on the door.

When she answered the door, she said, "Conway Twitty!"

"No, ma'am," he replied. "I'm your new pastor, and I just stopped by to have a prayer with you."

So she said come right on in. He visited several more homes, and everyone thought he was Conway Twitty.

Eventually, he came to the house at the end of the street. It turned out to be the residence of a young widow. At the time that the Reverend knocked on her door, the young widow was taking a shower. Hearing the knock, she just wrapped a towel around herself, ran to the door and threw it open.

When she saw her caller, she threw up her hands-which allowed the towel to fall to the floor putting all her wonderful young and luscious curves on display..

"Oh my God!" she exclaimed. "It's Conway Twitty!"

The preacher just smiled and said, "Hello, Darlin."

# The Best Toast

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in Church beside me wife."

"Oh that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize, the other night, with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye and I was a bit surprised me self! You know, he's only been there twice! Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

# The Pope and the Queen

The Pope was having a state visit with the Queen of England, when they decided they should make an appearance together. They came out onto the balcony of Windsdor Castle, and stood there for the crowd to cheer and take pictures.

The Queen decided to have a bit of fun at the Pope's expense, and said to him, "Watch this. With one wave of my hand, I can make every Englishman cheer for five full minutes."

She does so, and the Englishmen predictably applaud madly.

Not to be outdone, the Pope says to the Queen, "Very impressive. Now, watch me. With a nod of my head, I can make every Irishman in the crowd cheer for TEN minutes straight."

The Queen figures the Pope's just made an impossible offer, so she agrees to give him his chance. He stands, faces the crowd and head-butts the Queen.

# Confessional Tips

Father O'Malley, the new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple of confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.

The old priest suggests, "Cross you arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand." The new priest tries this.

The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, 'I see, yes, go on, I understand and how did you feel about that?" The new priest says those things.

The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying 'No shit! What happened next"

# Irish Confession

Young O'Donnell rushed into a church, placed his rifle under a pew and entered the confessional. "Father," he said breathlessly, "I've just shot down two British lieutenants!"

Hearing no response he went on: "I also knocked off a British captain!"

When there was still no response from the priest, O'Donnell said, "Father, have ye fainted?"

"Of course I haven't fainted," replied the confessor. "I'm waitin' for you to stop talkin' politics and commence confessin' your sins!"

# The Rabbi's Son

An old rabbi, seeing his son graduate from high school, wanted to know what be the youth's plans. He called the son into his study and questioned him. "Son, I vish to know, what kind of career are you going to have"?

The rabbi laid on a table three items, a $100 bill, a bottle of whisky and the good book. He looked to the boy and said, " Ve need to know your future. If you take the $100 bill, you will become a gambler, and that is very terrible. If you take the bottle of whisky, you will become a drunkard and that too is very, very bad. But...If you take the good book, you will become a rabbi, like you Papa.

The young lad's mind was blank. He was just out of high school and he did not yet know what he wanted to do with his life. After a few minutes of trying to think, he finally decided there was only one answer. The boy took the $100 bill and put it in his pocket. He picked up the whisky in one hand and with the other grasped the good book, put it under his arm and quickly left the room.

The old rabbi was stunned. He could not understand what had just happened.

Then all of a sudden his eyes grew wide, he jumped to his feet, and slapping the side of his face he cried, "Oy Vay... He is going to become a Catholic Priest!"

# The Church Steeple

A lawyer, an engineer, and a minister were given the task of finding the height of a church steeple (the first to get the correct solution wins a $1000).

The lawyer tried to remember some of the math he had learned in undergraduate school, but resorted to climbing the steeple and lowering a string on a plumb bob until it touched the ground and then climbed down and measured the length of the string.

The engineer layed out a reference line, measured the angle to the top of the steeple from both ends and worked out the height by trigonometry.

However, the minister won the prize. He bought the vicar a beer in the local pub and asked him how high the church steeple was.

# The Pope's Camera *

A fellow was visiting the Vatican and became separated from his tour group. After wandering for awhile, he needed to relieve himself. He finally found a bathroom and wandered in. You can imagine his surprise to discover the Pope sitting on the toilet masturbating. Figuring that this would be an attraction few tourists ever saw, he snapped a couple of pictures. The Pope managed to recover his composure and offered the fellow $10,000 for the camera. The fellow decide to take him up on the offer and an exchange was arranged.

The camera was a pretty nice unit, so, after disposing of the film, the Pope decided he would use it on his world travels. One day while visiting a foreign country, one of the faithful noticed the Pope's camera and remarked that it was quite a unit. He then asked:

"How much did you pay for it?"

"Ten thousand dollars."

"Wow, the guy who sold you that must have seen you coming!"

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Five Year Old Drinker

A five-year-old is mowing his front lawn and drinking a beer. The preacher who lives across the street sees the beer and comes over to harass the kid:

"Aren't you a little young to be drinking, son? Asked the preacher.

"That's nothing; I got laid when I was three." says the kid

"What?! How did that happen? Responds the preacher.

"I don't remember," says the kid, "I was drunk at the time."

# Rednecks and Religion

Two rednecks were waiting at the bus stop along with a nun with her leg in a cast.

The first redneck asked "Sister, how did you break you leg?"

"I slipped in the bathtub, says the nun."

The second redneck asked the first "What's a bathtub?"

"How should I know," says the first redneck, "I'm not Catholic!"

# Easter Admonishment

On the third day, Jesus rose, shoved open the door of his tomb, and walked again on earth.

As he was leaving, a passer-by pointed at the door Jesus had left open.

"What's the matter with you?" he said. "Born in a barn?"

# Drinking is a Sin

Arthur was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a Nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink.

"You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!"

Now Arthur gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive. "How do you know Sister?"

"My Mother Superior told me so."

"But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?"

"Don't be ridiculous - of course I have never taken alcohol myself."

"Then let me buy you a drink, - if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life."

"How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!"

"I'll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, then no one will know."

The Nun reluctantly agrees, so Arthur goes inside to the bar.

"Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks," then he lowers his voice and says to the barman, "and could you put the vodka in a teacup?"

"Oh no! It's not that bloody Nun again is it?"

# Blessing Race Horses

Bubba was from Alabama and was a hard-shell Southern Baptist. He loved to sneak away to the race track. One day he was there betting on the ponies and losing his shirt when he noticed a priest step out onto the track and bless the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race. Lo and behold, this horse -- a very long shot -- won the race.

Bubba was most interested to see what the priest did in the next race. Sure enough, he watched the priest step out onto the track as the horses for the fifth race lined up, and placed a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses. Bubba made a beeline for the window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race. Bubba collected his winning and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest bestowed his blessing on for the 6th race.

The priest showed, blessed a horse, Bubba bet on it, and it won! Bubba was elated! As the day went on, the priest continued blessing one of the horses, and it always came in first. Bubba began to pull in some serious money, and by the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true.

He made a quick stop at the ATM, withdrew big money and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on. True to his pattern, the priest stepped out onto the track before the last race and blessed the forehead, eyes, ears and hooves of one of the horses.

Bubba bet every cent, and watched the horse come in dead last. He was dumbfounded. He made his way to the track and when he found the priest he demanded, "What happened, Father? All day you blessed horses and they won. The last race, you blessed a horse and he lost. Now I've lost my savings, thanks to you!!"

The priest nodded wisely and said, "That's the problem with you Protestants you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and the Last Rites."

# The Church Organist

There was a church that had a very big busted organist. Her breasts were so huge that they bounced and jiggled while she played, and they distracted the congregation considerably. The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about them or they would have to get another organist.

One of the ladies approached her very discreetly and told her to put alum powder on them and maybe they would shrink in size. She agreed to try it.

The following Sunday morning, the minister got up on the pulpit and said, "Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol we will not hath a thermon tewday."

# Merciful God

The old Jewish man was walking on the beach with his only grandson, when a giant wave crashes onshore, sweeping the boy out to sea. The man looks up to the heavens and says, "Oh Lord, this is my only grandson, how can you take him away from me like this? My son will not understand. My daughter-in-law will die from grief."

Another wave comes by, and deposits the boy at the old man's feet.

The grandfather looks to the heavens again and says, "He had a hat!"

# It Pays to Advertise

On the wall of a church in the central area of town was a large sign which said; "If you are tired of sin, come to see us!"

And right below it one of the local hookers had hung a smaller sign which said; "But if you're not, my phone number is 341-3451"

# The Hat Check Girl

There once was a priest who came into the big city on church business and had to spend the night in a hotel. Shortly after he had checked in and put his clothes away in his room he went down to the lobby and invited the hat check girl to come up to his room for dinner. After a nice dinner and some wine, brought up by room service, he started advancing on her. At that point she stopped him and reminded him he was a holy man.

"It's okay," he replied, "It's written in the Bible."

So after a night of wild sex, the hat check girl asked to see where in the Bible it says it's okay.

The priest picks up the Bible off the dresser opens to the first page where someone wrote in pencil --"The hat check girl puts out!"

# Lesson on the Mountain

The Jesus took his disciples up the mountain and gathering them around him, he taught them saying:

Blessed are the poor in spirit for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

Blessed are the meek.

Blessed are they that mourn.

Blessed are the merciful.

Blessed are they who thirst justice.

Blessed are you when persecuted.

Blessed are you when you suffer.

Be glad and rejoice for your reward is great in heaven...

Then Simon Peter said, "Do we have to write this down?"

And Andrew said, "Are we supposed to know this?"

And James said, "Will we have a test on it?"

And Phillip said, "What if we don't know it?"

And Bartholomew said, "Do we have to turn this in?"

And John said, "The other disciples didn't have to learn this."

And Matthew said, "When do we get out of here?"

And Judas said, "What does this have to do with the real life?"

Then one of the Pharisees present asked to see Jesus' Lesson plans and inquired of Jesus his terminal objectives in the cognitive domain... and Jesus wept.

# Rich TV Evangelist

The successful TV evangelist named Jim, had just moved back to his old home town in Tennessee. One day he stopped by the diner he had frequented in his early days and ran into an old school chum named Clyde.

"Why it's Old Slick Jimmy," says Clyde, "haven't seen you for years. What have you been up too?"

"Oh," just doing the Lords work," says Jim, haven't you ever seen me on TV.

"No I don't get into town much and don't have a TV up on the farm," says Clyde. "Are you in town for long Jimmy?"

"Ya ," says Jim, " "I bought the old Carver Mansion and plan to stay there when I'm not on the road."

"You must be loaded," says Clyde, "and I see you've got a new Mercedes-Benz out front and this expensive silk suit. How did you get so rich?"

"Just doing the Lords work," says Jim.

"Boy," says Clyde, "doing the Lords work must pay pretty well."

"Well," says Jim, "there's a sucker born again every minute."

# Hit the Ball and Pray

A young man and a priest are playing together. At a short par-3 hole the priest asks, "What are you going to use on this hole, my son?"

The young man says, "An 8-iron, Father. How about you?"

The priest says, "I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray."

The young man hits his 8-iron and puts the ball on the green. The priest tops his 7-iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards.

The young man says, "I don't know about you, Father, but in my church, when we pray we keep our head down."

# Church or Golf

A golfer asked his friend, "Why are you so late?"

The friend replied, "It's Sunday. I had to toss a coin between going to church or playing golf and it took 15 tosses to get it right!"

# Pedestrians and Catholics

The traffic light wasn't working on the corner of Broadway and 72nd Street, so the blonde stood with a large crowd of people waiting to cross, while a cop directed traffic.

Finally, the cop blew his whistle, motioned to the crowd, and shouted, "Okay, pedestrians!" The throng surged across Broadway -- all except the blonde, who stayed on the corner.

When the walkers were safely on the other side of the street, the cop moved the cross-traffic through the intersection. Half a minute later, he stopped the cars on Broadway and sent the 72nd Street traffic into motion.

Again, he got around to the blonde's corner, where by this time she had again been joined by a crowd of people.

Tweeeeeeeet! "Okay, pedestrians!"

The crowd crossed the street, but again the blonde stayed put. She looked at her watch and tapped her foot but never budged from the sidewalk.

Finally, after the cop yelled "Okay, pedestrians!" for the third time, the blonde shouted across traffic, "Yo! Officer! Isn't it about time you let the Catholics cross?"

# Church Bells

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"

# Forgive Your Enemies

The preacher's, Sunday sermon was, "Forgive Your Enemies." He asked how many have forgiven their enemies. About half held up their hands. He then repeated his question. Now about 80 percent held up their hands. He then repeated his question. All responded, except one elderly lady.

"Mrs. Henry, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don't have any."

"Mrs. Henry, that is very unusual. How old are you?"

"Ninety-three." she replied.

"Mrs. Henry, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a person

cannot have an enemy in the world?"

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, and said, "I outlived those bitches"

# Helpful Faith Healer

Two women were sitting in the doctor's waiting room comparing notes on their various disorders.

"I want a baby more than anything in the world," said the first, "But I guess it is impossible."

"I used to feel just the same way," said the second. "But then everything changed. That's why I'm here. I'm going to have a baby in three months."

"You must tell me what you did."

"I went to a faith healer."

"But I've tried that. My husband and I went to one for nearly a year and it didn't help a bit."

The other woman smiled and whispered, "Try going alone, next time, dearie."

# Resourceful Nun

A young Nun who worked for a local home health care agency was out making her rounds when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it there was a gas station just one block away. She walked to the station to borrow a can with enough gas to start the car and drive to the station for a fill up.

The attendant regretfully told her that the only gas can he owned had just been loaned out, but if she would care to wait he was sure it would be back shortly. Since the nun was on the way to see a patient she decided not to wait and walked back to her car.

After looking through her car for something to carry to the station to fill with gas, she spotted a bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, she carried it to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried it back to her car.

As she was pouring the gas into the tank of her car two men watched her from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said: "If that car starts, I'll become a Catholic for the rest of my life!"

# The IRS Auditor

The Internal Revenue sends their auditor to a synagogue. The auditor is doing all the checks, and then turns to the Rabbi and says, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles."

"Yes," answered the Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked.

"A good question," noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up and when we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker and every now and then, they send us a free box of candles."

"Oh," replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his unusual question actually had a practical answer.

So he thought he'd go on, in his obnoxious way..."Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs from the matzo?"

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect up all the crumbs! from the matzo and when we have enough, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now and then, they send a box of matzo balls."

"Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on,"what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions?"

"Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save all the foreskins, and when we have enough we actually send them to the Internal Revenue."

"Internal Revenue!," questioned the auditor in disbelief.

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, "Internal Revenue and about once a year, they send us a little prick like you."

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# John Fluff *

The Reverend John Fluff was the pastor of a small parish in Ireland.

One day he was walking down the high street, when he noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer. The Reverend wasn't happy. He walked through the open door of the pub and sat down next to the woman.

"Miss Fitzgerald," he said sternly. "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?"

"Sure," she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.

When Miss Fitzgerald stood up from the bar she began to weave back and forth. The Reverend realized that she'd had far too much to drink and grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few moments, the Reverend wound up on top of Miss Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.

The pub landlord looked over and said, "Oi mate, we won't have any of that carrying on in this pub."

The Reverend looked up at the landlord and said, "But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Fluff!"

The landlord nodded and said, "Oh well, if you're that far in, you might as well finish."

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# A Parking Space for Pedro

Pedro was driving down the street in a panic because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking space.

Looking up toward heaven, he said "Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking space I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up tequila."

Miraculously, a parking space appeared.

Pedro looked up again and said "Never mind. I found one."

# The Church Gossip

Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her extra-curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told George and several others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing. George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.

Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house.............. and left it there all night.

# Dust to Dust

"Mom," says little Johnny, "do you remmember at Aunt Mary's funeral last week the preacher said we start out as dust and then after we die we become dust again?"

"Yes," says his mom, "I remember that, why do you ask?"

"Well," says little Johnny, "there is someone under my bed who is either coming or going."

# Golfing Miracle

A golfer, now in his golden years, had a lifelong ambition to play one particular hole at Pebble Beach, California exactly the way the pros do it.

The pros drive the ball out over the water onto the green that is on a spit of land that juts out into the Pacific Ocean. It was something he had tried hundreds of times without success. His ball had always fallen short, into the ocean. Because of this, he never used a new ball on this particular hole. He always picked out one that had a cut or a nick, as did many other "average" golfers when negotiating very challenging holes.

Recently he went to Pebble Beach to try again. When he came to the fateful hole, he teed up an old cut ball as usual, and said a silent prayer. However, before he could hit it, a powerful voice from above seemed to be booming out from the clouds, saying, "WAIT. REPLACE THAT OLD BALL WITH A BRAND-NEW ONE."

He complied, with some slight misgiving, despite the fact that this same force seemed to be implying that he was going to finally achieve his lifelong ambition.

As he stepped up to the tee once more, the voice came down again saying, "WAIT, STEP BACK AND TAKE A PRACTICE SWING."

So he stepped back and took a practice swing, certain now that this heavenly force was going to make his dream come true.

The voice boomed out again, "WAIT. TAKE ANOTHER PRACTICE SWING."

Dutifully, he did. He stopped expectantly and waited. A long silence followed.

Then the voice said: "USE THE OLD BALL.

# What is Your Name?

A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Hudson's daughter."

Her mother told her this was wrong, she must just say, "I'm Jane Hudson."

The minister spoke to her in Sunday school and said, "Aren't you Mr. Hudson's daughter?"

She replied, "Well, I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."

# Say the Blessing

A family was having some people to dinner. At the table, the mother turned to her six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?

" I wouldn't know what to say," replied the little girl.

"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the woman said.

Her daughter bowed her head and said: "Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner when I don't even like them?''

# The Red Sea Mission

Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday school.

Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge, and all the people walked across safely. He used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters and call in an air strike. They sent in bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved.

"Now, Joey, is that REALLY what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked.

Well, no, Mom, but if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!

# Easter Dress

It was that time during the Sunday morning service for "the children's sermon," and all the children were invited to come forward.

One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said to her, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter dress?"

The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a Bitch to iron."

# Making Faces

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith, the Sunday School teacher, smiling sweetly said, "Bobby, when I was a child I was told if that I made ugly an face, it would freeze and I would stay like that."

Bobby looked up and replied, "Well, Ms. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."

# A Portrait of God

A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She walked around to look at the artwork. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like.

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

# Sulfuric Acid

Little Johnny was sitting outside a church playing with sulfuric acid. The priest came up to him and said "Child why are you playing with sulfuric acid, thats dangerous. Beswides, I've got some holy water inside that is much more powerful"

Little Johnny relied "How come?"

"Well last week I splashed some holy water on Mrs.Wilson's stomach and she passed a kidney stone," said the priest proudly.

"Thats nothing" retorted Little Johnny " I spashed some sulfuric acid on my dog's balls and he passed a Ferrari!"

# Chapter 2

# Robot, Alien & Space Jokes

#

Illustration by Terry Eade

Some of the jokes in this chapter may appear in other chapters. For example a joke about a robot congressman may appear here and in the Political Jokes section. However, the jokes will have the same title in both chapters. The illustration above was drawn by the author and is protected by copyright.

The jokes have been annotated by an asterisk (*) for those which have language or content you may find offensive, a double asterisk (**) for those which are risque, and a triple asterisk (***) for those which may not be suitable for mixed company. Those jokes without annotation are more suitable for general audiences and usually more appropriate for speaking engagements. Viewer discretion is recommended.

# Alien Encounter *

Two aliens landed in the New Mexico desert near a gas station that had been closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger of the two aliens addressed it. "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The gas pump (of course) didn't respond. The younger alien started to get mad at the lack of response and the older one said, "I wouldn't do that if I were you."

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated the greeting.

Again, there was no response. Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, "Greetings Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader, or I will fire."

The older alien again warned his comrade, "You don't want to do that; You really don't want to make him mad!"

"Rubbish," replied the younger alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and fired.

There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared outwards and towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him in a burnt and crumpled mess 200 yards away in a cactus patch.

Thirty Earth minutes later, when he finally regained consciousness, refocused his three eyes and straightened his bent antenna, he looked dazedly up at the wiser one, who was standing over him, slowly shaking his big green head.

"What a ferocious creature," said the young fried one. "It damn near killed us! How did you know it was so dangerous?"

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler onto his crispy, peeling flesh and shared some knowledge. "If there's one thing I've learned during my travels through the galaxy," said the wise old alien, "When a guy has a pecker he can wrap around himself twice and then stick it in his ear; usually, you don't mess with him."

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Robot Bartender

A popular bar had a new robotic bartender installed. A guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What's your IQ and what would you like to drink?"

The man replied, "130, and I'd like a glass of merlot." So the robot proceeded to pour the man a glass of wine and make conversation about physics, astronomy, and so on. The man listened intently and thought, "This is an exceptionally good feature."

Another guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What's your IQ and what would you like to drink?"

The man responded, "100 and I'd like a rum and coke." So the robot mixes his drink and started talking about the superbowl, dirt bikes, and so on. The man thought to himself, "Wow, this is really cool."

A third guy came in to the bar. As with the others, the robot asked him, "What's your IQ and what would you like to drink?"

The man replied, "60 and I'd like a beer."

The robot then said, "So, how are things in Arkansas these days?"

# When on Mars *

The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough frequent flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen bring up the subject of sex.

"Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen. "Pretty much the way you do," responds the Martian. Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weeny member - about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick.

"I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen.

"Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?"

"Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!"

"No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long.

"Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it's still pretty narrow...." "No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.

"Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love.

The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways.

As they walk along, Mike asks "Well, was it any good?"

"I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful. How about you?"

"It was horrible," he replies, All I got was a headache. All she kept doing the whole time was slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Robot Caddy

A golfer walks into the clubhouse of the local country club. He tells the golf pro behind the counter that he wants to do 18 and he is going to need a caddy. The golf pro informs him that the country club is running a promotion and if he tries out one of their experimental robot caddies, he can golf for free. The golfer agrees and takes out the robot. While on the golf course the robot caddy tells the golfer the wind speed, distance, even how hard to hit which club. He has the best game of his life.

The next time the golfer goes to the country club, he tells the golf pro that he wants to do 18 holes and that he wants to get one of the robot caddies.

He informs the golfer that they don't have the robot caddies anymore. The golfer, all upset, tells him how great they were and asks him what happened.

The golf pro tells him that members were complaining that the sun would reflect of their metallic material and into their eyes.

The golfer asks him why they didn't just paint the robots black?

The golf pro said that they did, but the next day, three of them didn't show up and the other three robbed the pro shop.

# Urgent Military Update

President Dubya was awakened one night by an urgent call from the Pentagon.

"Mr. President," said the four-star general, barely able to contain himself, "there's good news & bad news."

"Oh, no," muttered the President, "Well, let me have the bad news first."

"The bad news, sir, is that we've been invaded by creatures from another planet."

"Gosh, and the good news?"

"The good news, sir, is that they eat reporters and pee oil."

# Robot Colonel

It is the year 2020 and the US has succeeded in building a robot colonel with a computer able to solve any strategic or tactical problem in the field. Military leaders, faced with dedisions in an armed conflict, are assembled in front of the new machine and instructed to feed difficult tactical problem into it. They describe a hypothetical situation to the robot colonel and then ask the pivotal question: attack or retreat?

The robot colonel hums away for an hour and then comes up with the answer: YES.

The generals look at each other, somewhat stupefied. Finally one of them submits a second request to the robot colonel: YES WHAT?

Instantly the robot colonel responded: YES SIR!

# Blonde Space Travel

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.

The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"

The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"

The Blonde said, "So what, we're going to be the first on the sun!"

The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.

"You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.

To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"

# Robotic Motel **

A traveling salesman has been driving all day through the barren desert of west Texas and it is getting late. So he pulls off the road at a very futuristic looking motel with a sign reading "Robotic Motel: Fully automated lodging, leisure, and libations. No one is in the lobby but the signage enables him to self check-in by entering the necessary information on a keyboard, swiping his debit card, and punching in his pin number. After the transaction has been approved the machine then dispenses a room card key for his assigned room along with instructions on the location of his room and where to park his car.

He then goes into the futuristic auto-mat style restaurant and selects his food and beverage items from the appropriate windows, and pays for them the same way he paid for the room. After his dinner he goes to his room takes a hot shower, puts on the motels terrycloth rob, and switches on an adult video on the room TV.

After watching a particularly racy adult video he realizes he is not only relaxed, but also aroused. However, since he is now several hours drive from the nearest town and has not seen anyone else at the motel he thinks he might have to go back in the bathroom for a cold shower.

About that time he notices a readout on the wall which reads "Your wife away from home, satisfaction guaranteed within three minutes ... $5." Below the readout is a foot square opening with a stainless steel sliding door, a debit card slot and a key pad for entering his pin number.

Being both curious and aroused, he figures for five bucks how can he go wrong? So he swipes his debit card and enters his pin number. At that point the sliding door opens and the readout above the door reads " Insert item now." The salesman opens his robe and sticks his penis into the open door. All of the sudden he is rewarded by the feel of warm slippery lotion and having his penis vigorously rubbed on all sides. After a minute of this his penis feels the warm air of the blow-job phase of the process, then he feels the cool mist of an aerosol product being applied.

His anticipation of the next phase is met with the abrupt pain of having is penis pressed tightly between two scalding hot plates. Not being able to extract his penis during this phase, he is forced to endure this intense pain for fifteen seconds. When he is able to extract his manhood from the window it is scalded red and flat as a pancake.

The readout above the door then says "Your garment has been washed, dried, starched, and pressed. Thank you for your business."

_** Risque_

# Space Age Technology

During the heat of the space race in the 1960's, NASA decided it needed a ball point pen to write in the zero gravity confines of its space capsules.

After considerable research and development, the Astronaut Pen was developed at a cost of $1 million. The pen worked and also enjoyed some modest success as a novelty item back here on earth.

The Soviet Union, faced with the same problem, used a pencil.

# Moon Walk **

When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind," statement but followed it up with several remarks to the other astronauts and Mission Control. Just before he re-entered the lander, however, he made the enigmatic remark, "Good luck Mr. Gorsky."

Many people at NASA thought it was a remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs. Over the years, many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good luck Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.

On July 5, 1995 in Tampa, Florida, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26-year-old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.

Armstrong explained, "When I was a kid, I was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. My friend hit a fly ball that landed in the front of his neighbor's bedroom windows. My neighbors were Mr. & Mrs. Gorsky. As I leaned down to pick up the ball, I heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky, "Oral sex! You want oral sex?! You'll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"

_** Risque_

# Chapter 3

# Sales & Office Jokes

#

Illustration by Terry Eade

Some of the jokes in this chapter may appear in other chapters. For example a joke about a salesman in a bar may appear here and in the Bar & Pub section. However, the jokes will have the same title in both chapters. The illustration above was drawn by the author and is protected by copyright.

The jokes have been annotated by an asterisk (*) for those which have language or content you may find offensive, a double asterisk (**) for those which are risque, and a triple asterisk (***) for those which may not be suitable for mixed company. Those jokes without annotation are more suitable for general audiences and usually more appropriate for speaking engagements. Viewer discretion is recommended.

# Super Salesman

The sales manager was pouring over a mountain of resumes to chose a new sales representative for his consumer products line. Most of them were hardly worth reading, but suddenly he came to one which really impressed him. The guy's name is Harold Schwartz and he had been successful at selling virtually everything he had ever been asked to represent and had set numerous records for his accomplishments. I had better not let this one slip through my fingers he thought so he immediately sent off a letter offering Harold a position on the sales team.

About a week later, the sales manager's secretary comes in and says that Mr. Schwartz, the new salesman you hired, is here and I think you should know that he has a speech impediment. Oh no, thinks the sales manager, here I've hired this fellow sight unseen and now I find out he has a speech problem. With all the federal regulations about discrimination I had better be careful on how I handle this situation.

Then he has an Idea. I'll assign him to the Northwest territories. That's virgin territory so we won't have to worry about losing any of our longstanding customers and Harold will just get discouraged after a while and quit of his own volition. So he brings Harold into the office shows him his territory, gives him his sample kit and sends him on his way.

By the time the sales statistics have been compiled at the end of the year, Harold Schwartz has outsold every other salesman in the company two to one, even those in the prime territories. He has been selected as the Rookie of the Year, Salesman of the Year, and Employee of the Year for the company. At the annual awards banquet Harold is asked to deliver his acceptance speech. With a nasal twang Harold graciously accepts the awards and thanks everyone for their help and support.

But the crowd wants more, they ask him how he is able to sell so well on a one-to-one basis.

"Well" responds Harold "I have a number of effective techniques. For example, I go up and knock on a door and a big burley guy with loads of sales resistance comes to the door and says 'what the hell do you want?' So I say 'would you like a cookie sir, it's absolutely free?' The fellow becomes a little nicer now and says, 'well if it's free I guess I'll take one.' So I give him the cookie and he chews it up and then says ' Uccck..... this tastes like shit!!' and I say 'it is shit, sir would you like to buy a toothbrush?'"

# What Did I Say? *

A guy was on a business trip and he's staying in this fancy hotel. When he goes up to his room there's a sign near the bed that says "Try our Oriental Massage".

So he rings down to the reception and tells the clerk that he'd like to try one of these massages. About ten minutes later this Japanese lady comes up and starts giving him a massage.

He's lying on his stomach and getting pretty horny and he gets a huge boner. She told him to turn over and when he does she sees his cock standing to attention. So she giggles and says "Ahh, you want wanky!"

So he says "Oooh, yes!" So she runs off into the bathroom and he lies on the bed waiting.

A few minutes later she sticks her head out from behind the door and says "You finish yet?"

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Tough Business Decision

Mr. Smith owned a small business. He had two employees, Sarah and Jack. They were both extremely good employees - always willing to work overtime and chip in where needed.

Mr. Smith was looking over his books one day and decided that he wasn't making enough money to warrant two employees and he would have to lay one off. But both Sarah and Jack were such good workers he was having trouble finding a fair way to do it. He decided that he would watch them work and the first one to take a break would be the one he would lay off.

So, he sits in his office and watches them work. Suddenly, Sarah gets a terrible headache and needs to take an aspirin. She gets the aspirin out of her purse and goes to the water cooler to get something to wash it down with. Mr. Smith follows her to the water cooler, taps her on the shoulder and says, "Sarah, I'm going to have to lay you or Jack off."

And Sarah says, "I guess you'll have to jack off, I have a headache."

# Corporate Boat Race

An American automobile company and a Japanese auto company decided to have a competitive boat race on the Detroit River. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance. On the big day, they were as ready as they could be.

The Japanese team won by a mile.

Afterwards, the American team became discouraged by the loss and their morale sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found. A Continuous Measurable Improvement Team of "Executives" was set up to investigate the problem and to recommend appropriate corrective action.

Their conclusion: The problem was that the Japanese team had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, whereas the American team had 1 person rowing and 8 people steering. The American Corporate Steering Committee immediately hired a consulting firm to do a study on the management structure.

After some time and billions of dollars, the consulting firm concluded that "too many people were steering and not enough rowing." To prevent losing to the Japanese again next year, the management structure was changed to "4 Steering Managers, 3 Area Steering Managers, and 1 Staff Steering Manager" and a new performance system for the person rowing the boat to give more incentive to work harder and become a six sigma performer. "We must give him empowerment and enrichment." That ought to do it.

The next year the Japanese team won by two miles.

The American Corporation laid off the rower for poor performance, sold all of the paddles, cancelled all capital investments for new equipment, halted development of a new canoe, awarded high performance awards to the consulting firm, and distributed the money saved as bonuses to the senior executives.

# The Insurance Salesman

Morris walks into an insurance office and asks for a job. "We don't need anyone," they replied.

"You can't afford not to hire me. I can sell anyone, anytime, anything."

"Well we have two prospects that no one has been able to sell. If you can sell just one, you have a job." He was gone about two hours, and returned and handed them two checks - one for $25,000.00 and another for $50,000.00.

"How in the world did you do that?" they asked.

"I told you I'm the worlds best salesman. I can sell anyone, anywhere, anytime!"

"Did you get a urine sample?" they asked him.

"What's that?" he asked.

"Well, if you sell a policy over $20,000.00 the company requires a urine sample. Take these two bottles and go back and get urine samples."

Morris was gone about six hours and they were fixing to close when in he walks in with two five gallon buckets, one in each hand. He sets the buckets down, and reaches in his shirt pocket and produces two bottles of urine, and sets them on the desk and says, "Here's Mr. Brown's and this one is Mr. Smith's."

"That's good," they said, "but what's in those two buckets?"

"Well, I passed by the Holiday Inn and they were having a State Teacher's Convention, so I stopped and sold them a group policy!"

# The Sales Contest **

A small company was on the edge of bankruptcy. The owner summoned his two-man sales force into his office. "Things aren't going too well, guys," he announced grimly. "So to perk up sales I'm announcing a contest. The guy with the most sales gets a blow job."

"What does the loser get?" asked one of the salesmen.

The owner looked at both men and said, "The loser gets to give it."

_** Risque_

# Been There Done That

A sale representative stops at a small manufacturing plant in the Midwest. He presents a box of cigars to the manager as a gift.

"No, thanks," says the plant manager. "I tried smoking a cigar once and I didn't like it."

The sales rep shows his display case and then, hoping to clinch a sale, offers to take the manager out for martinis. "No, thanks," the plant manager replies. "I tried alcohol once, but didn't like it."

Then the salesman glances out the officer window and sees a golf course. "I suppose you play golf," says the salesman. "I'd like to invite you to be a guest at my club."

"No, thanks," the manager says. "I played golf once, but I didn't like it."

Just then a young man enters the office. "Let me introduce my son, Bill," says the plant manager.

"Let me guess," the salesman replies. "An only child?"

# Your Hair Smells Nice *

A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this she can't stand it any longer! The woman goes into her supervisor's office and tells him that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit against the man and explains why.

The supervisor is puzzled by this and says what's wrong with the co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?

The woman replies, "He's a midget"!

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# You're Fired

A company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he thinks this is his chance to show everyone he means business!

The CEO, walks up the guy and asks - "and how much money do you make a week?"

Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $200.00 a week. Why?"

The CEO then hands the guy $200 in cash and screams - "here's a week's pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"

Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks - "does anyone want to tell me what that slacker did here?"

With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters - "Pizza delivery guy".

# Labor Negotiations

Negotiations between union members and their employer were at an impasse. The union denied that their workers were flagrantly abusing their contract's sick-leave provisions.

One morning at the bargaining table, the company's chief negotiator held aloft the morning edition of the newspaper, "This man," he announced, "called in sick yesterday!"

There on the sports page, was a photo of the supposedly ill employee, who had just won a local golf tournament with an excellent score.

The silence in the room was broken by a union negotiator. "Wow," he said. "Just think of what kind of score he could have had if he hadn't been sick!"

# Terrible Work History

A gal comes in for her interview with the human resources department of a large company and hands the executive her application. As the executive begins to scan her resume, he notices that she has been fired from every job she's ever held.

"I must say," says the executive, "your work history is terrible. You've been fired from every job."

"Yes," says the lady.

"Well," continues the executive, "there's not much positive in that."

"Well, " says the woman as she pokes the application. "At least I'm not a quitter!"

# Three Envelopes

A bright young turk had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech firm. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and handed him three numbered envelopes.

"Open these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can handle," he said.

Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a nosedive and he was really catching a lot of heat from the board. At wit's end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and tookout the first envelope. The message read, "Blame your predecessor."

The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the board, the press, and Wall Street responded positively, sales picked up, stockprices rose and the problem was soon behind him.

About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious problems getting new product to market. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO wasted no time inopening the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize."

This he did, and again the company quickly rebounded. After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. The CEO went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope.

The simple message said, "Prepare three envelopes..."

# New Employee

The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. "What is your name?" Was the first thing the manager asked the new guy.

"John," the new guy replied.

The manager scowled, "Look, I don't know what kind of a mamby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by their first name! It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority.

I refer to my employees by their last name only -- Smith, Jones, Baker -- that's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson.

Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"

The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. My name is John Darling."

"Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is..."

# Late for Work Again

The secretary came in late for work for the third day in a row.

The boss called her into his office and said, "Now look Sharon, I know we had a wild fling for a while, but that's over. I expect you to conduct yourself like any other employee around here. Who told you you could come and go as you please around here?"

Sharon simply smiled, lit up a cigarette, and while exhaling said, "My lawyer."

# Good Business Strategy

A fellow is going on tour of a factory that produces various latex products.

At the first stop, he's shown the machine that manufactures baby-bottle nipples. The machine makes a loud Hiss-Pop! noise.

"The hiss is the rubber being injected into the mold," explains the guide.

"The popping sound is a needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple."

Later, the tour reaches the part of the factory where condoms are manufactured. The machine makes a noise: Hiss, Hiss, Hiss, Hiss-Pop!

"Wait a minute!" says the man taking the tour. "I understand what the hiss, hiss is, but what's that pop every so often?"

"Oh, it's just the same as in the baby-bottle nipple machine," says the guide. "It pokes a hole in every fourth condom."

"Well, that can't be good for the condom!" the man states.

"Yeah, but it's great for the baby-bottle nipple business!"

# Lazy Workers

A site foreman had ten very lazy men working for him, so one day he decided to trick them into doing some work for a change.

"I've got a really easy job today for the laziest one among you," he announced. "Will the laziest man please put his hand up."

Nine hands went up.

"Why didn't you put your hand up?" he asked the tenth man.

"Too much trouble," came the reply.

# The Corporate Ladder

The game of choice for unemployed people or maintenance level workers is basketball.

The game of choice for frontline workers is football.

The game of choice for middle management is tennis.

The game of choice for CEOs and executives is golf.

Conclusion: The higher up on the corporate ladder you are, the smaller your balls are.

# The Union Worker

Two guys and a union worker were fishing on a lake one day, when Jesus walked across the water and joined them in the boat. When the three astonished men had settled down enough to speak, the first guy asked humbly, "Jesus, I've suffered from back pain ever since I took shrapnel in the Vietnam war...could you help me?"

"Of course, my son", Jesus said, and when he touched the man's back, he felt relief for the first time in years. The second man, who wore very thick glasses and had a hard time reading and driving, asked if Jesus could do anything about his eyesight. Jesus smiled, removed the man's glasses and tossed them in the lake. When they hit the water, the man's eyes cleared and he could see everything distinctly.

When Jesus turned to heal the union worker, the guy put his hands up and cried defensively, "Don't touch me! I'm on long term disability."

# Fishing Gear

A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. A sales clerk is standing there with dark shades on.

She says, "Excuse me sir... can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Ma'am I'm completely blind, but if you'll drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes."

She didn't believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway.

He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with Zebco 404 reel And 10-pound test line...It's a good all around combination and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."

She says, "That's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter; I'll take it."

The woman opens her purse and sees her credit card holder drop on the floor. As she bends down to pick it up she accidentally passes gas. At first she is really embarrassed, but then concludes there is no way he could tell it was her that farted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.

The sales clerk rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 plus tax."

Thewoman is totally confused by this and says, "Didn't you tell me it was on special for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"

He replies,"Yes Ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00; but the duck call is $11.00 and the catfish bait is $3.50.

# Programmer's Interview

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked the young programmer, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"

The programmer said, "In the neighborhood of $75,000 a year, depending on the benefit's package."

The HR Person said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?"

The programmer sat up straight and said, "Wow!!! Are you kidding?"

And the HR Person said, "Certainly, ...but you started it."

# Farm Football *

A travelling salesman was out in the country one evening and wasn't sure how to get back to the main highway. He came upon a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night.

"Sure," said the farmer. "I've got some beans and cornbread on the stove, but I've only got one bed, so you'll have to sleep with me."

The salesman was very grateful. So they had dinner and went to bed early. The salesman was used to keeping late hours and couldn't get to sleep. His tossing and turning was keeping the farmer awake so the farmer finally suggested they play football. The salesman didn't understand.

"Here's how it works," said the farmer. "Everytime you fart, it's a touchdown." The salesman thought it sounded fun, and they started playing. The salesman took an immediate lead, with the farmer struggling to squeeze even one out. Finally he felt one coming on and he strained and grunted and strained and grunted...and let a big wet one rip all over his side of the bed.

"What'll we do now?" exclaimed the salesman.

"Halftime. Switch sides."

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Vacuum Cleaner Salesman

A door-to-door vacuum cleaner salesman manages to bull his way into a woman's home in a rural area.

"This machine is the best ever" he exclaims, whilst pouring a bag of dirt over the lounge floor.

The woman says she's really worried it may not all come off, so the salesman says, "If this machine doesn't remove all the dust completely, I'll lick it off myself."

"Do you want ketchup on it?" she says, "we're not connected for electricity yet!"

# Reasonable Precautions *

In the middle of the night the Swedish farmer was awakened by a loud banging on the farmhouse door. It was a young saleswoman who's car had broken down on the snow covered country road in rural Minnesota. The farmer allowed as how he could not get her into town during the storm but could offer her shelter until the storm blew over. The problem was that she either had to stay in the freezing cold barn or in the second bedroom with the farmer's two teenage sons.

Sven and Oly were delighted with the new guest and thought that their hospitality should be rewarded with sex from the pretty young saleswoman. Realizing that she would not get any sleep unless she complied or even worse to irritate the boys and get sent to the barn, she agreed to have sex with the two teenagers. However, she had a stipulation. "You don't want me to have a baby do you?" she asked. The boys agreed and she provided each one with a condom and told them that they should not take them off or she would have a baby.

Several months later the boys are harvesting hay in the hot sun. Sven turned to Oly and said "Remember that woman who stayed with us last Winter?"

"Ya I do," said Oly

"Vel, do you care if she has a baby?", asks Sven

"No, I really don't." says Oly

"Vel then why don't ve take these damn things off!!" says Sven.

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# No Sense of Humor

The boss returned from lunch in a good mood and called the whole staff in to listen to a couple of jokes he had picked up. Everybody but one girl laughed uproariously.

"What's the matter?" grumbled the boss. "Haven't you got a sense of humor?"

"I don't have to laugh," she said. "I'm leaving Friday."

# The Tractor Salesman

"I haven't sold one tractor all month," a tractor salesman tells his friend.

"That's nothing compared to my problem," his buddy replies. "I was milking my cow when its tail whips around and hits me in the forehead, so I grabbed some string and tied its tail up to the rafters. Then I go back to milk it and it kicks me in the head with its right hind leg, so I grab some rope and tie its one leg up to the rafters.

I go back to try and milk it again when it kicks me in the head with its left hind leg, so I tie its other leg up to the rafters. Then my wife comes walking in and I'll tell ya, if you can convince her that I was trying to milk that cow, I'll buy a tractor off ya."

# Robotic Motel **

A traveling salesman has been driving all day through the barren desert of west Texas and it is getting late. So he pulls off the road at a very futuristic looking motel with a sign reading "Robotic Motel: Fully automated lodging, leisure, and libations. No one is in the lobby but the signage enables him to self check-in by entering the necessary information on a keyboard, swiping his debit card, and punching in his pin number. After the transaction has been approved the machine then dispenses a room card key for his assigned room along with instructions on the location of his room and where to park his car.

He then goes into the futuristic auto-mat style restaurant and selects his food and beverage items from the appropriate windows, and pays for them the same way he paid for the room. After his dinner he goes to his room takes a hot shower, puts on the motels terrycloth rob, and switches on an adult video on the room TV.

After watching a particularly racy adult video he realizes he is not only relaxed, but also aroused. However, since he is now several hours drive from the nearest town and has not seen anyone else at the motel he thinks he might have to go back in the bathroom for a cold shower.

About that time he notices a readout on the wall which reads "Your wife away from home, satisfaction guaranteed within three minutes ... $5." Below the readout is a foot square opening with a stainless steel sliding door, a debit card slot and a key pad for entering his pin number.

Being both curious and aroused, he figures for five bucks how can he go wrong? So he swipes his debit card and enters his pin number. At that point the sliding door opens and the readout above the door reads " Insert item now." The salesman opens his robe and sticks his penis into the open door. All of the sudden he is rewarded by the feel of warm slippery lotion and having his penis vigorously rubbed on all sides. After a minute of this his penis feels the warm air of the blow-job phase of the process, then he feels the cool mist of an aerosol product being applied.

His anticipation of the next phase is met with the abrupt pain of having is penis pressed tightly between two scalding hot plates. Not being able to extract his penis during this phase, he is forced to endure this intense pain for fifteen seconds. When he is able to extract his manhood from the window it is scalded red and flat as a pancake.

The readout above the door then says "Your garment has been washed, dried, starched, and pressed. Thank you for your business."

_** Risque_

# The Bedbug Incident

A salesman flies into Chicago for an important sales presentation to a large potential client. He checks into a hotel and tries to get a good nights sleep before his big presentation the next day. His plans are complicated because he is kept awake all night by bedbugs in his bed. When he finally does fall asleep out of sheer exhaustion he oversleeps and is late for his appointment and unshaven. He loses the account and comes home angry and disappointed.

When he tells the story to his wife, she suggests that he write a letter to the hotel manager and let him know of the problem and the consequenses of the bedbug insident. Although the salesman does not think it will make any difference he writes the letter to the hotel manager and sends it away.

About a week later the salesman receives a reply and he takes it to his wife to share with her. The letter is on fancy hotel letterhead and read: " Dear Mr Johnson, I was very upset to find out about the problems you encountered with bed bugs while you were a guest at our hotel and the very unfortionate ramifications of that incident. Let me assure you that I have taken steps to have this situation investigated and corrected.

Thank you very much for bringing this situation to our attention so we could correct it immediately. We take great pride in providing our guests with the cleanest and most comfortable accomodations possible and we will continue to do whatever is necessary to accomplish that goal. You can rest assured that if you stay with us again you will not encounter a simular situation. Sincerely yours, Leon Williams, Hotel Manager."

"I guess you were right honey," the salesman said, "I guess my letter did make a difference and they now have the situration corrected. I'm also very impressed by the quick response and the appologetic nature of the letter."

At this point his wife came over and said; "Something is stuck to the back of the letter. It looks like a little yellow post-it note." The salesman's wife took the post-it note off the back of the letter and read the short pencil written note. She then smiled and said: "I think this got stuck on your letter inadvertenly."

"Why," said the salesman, "what does it say?"

"It says, 'Send this jerk the bedbug letter.'"

# Sexually Related Problem **

A middle aged businessman goes to see his physician.

"Doctor, I've got this problem," the man says. "I't's of a sexual nature and it's sort of embarrasing."

"Well," says the doctor," why don't you start off by telling me about your sexual routine."

"Well," says the businessman,"my secretary, she loves to give blow jobs. Every morning when I get to work I get a blow job. She gives me a quick one before I leave for lunch. And before I leave work at the end of the day she really works me over."

"So what seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked.

"Well, you see, my wife is a nymphomaniac," the man continued. "I service her every morning when we get up. I go home for a quick half hour every day at lunch and then we have a marathon session each night before we go to sleep."

"I still don't know what your problem is," said the doctor.

"You see Doc, every time I masturbate I get these dizzy spells."

_** Risque_

# Performance Quantified

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z are represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K

8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E

11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E

1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T

2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G

1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can then conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and knowledge will get you close, and, Attitude will get you there, Bullshit and Ass kissing will put you over the top.

# Final Job Interview

A company was looking to hire someone for an important position, so they interviewed dozens of applicants and narrowed their search down to three people. In an attempt to pick one of them, they decided to give them All the same question to answer within 24 hours and the one with the best answer would get the job.

The question was: A man and a woman are in bed, nude. The woman is lying on her side with her back facing the man, and the man is lying on his side facing the woman's back. What is the man's name?

After the 24 hours was up, the three were brought in to give their answers.

The first one says, "My answer is, there is no answer."

The second one says, "My answer is, that there is no way to determine the answer with the information we were given."

The third one says, "I'm not exactly sure, but I have it narrowed down to two names, it's either, "Willie Turner or Willie Nailer."

Guess who got the job?

# New Element

April 1, 1988: The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by physicists at Turgid University. The element, tentatively named Administratium (Ad), has no protons or electrons, which means that its atomic number is 0. However, it does have 1 neutron, 125 assistants to the neutron, 75 vice-neutrons, and 111 assistants to the vice-neutrons. This gives it an atomic mass number of 312. The 312 particles are held together in the nucleus by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called memoons.

Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert. However, it can be detected chemically because it seems to impede every reaction in which it is present. According to Dr. M. Langour, one of the discoverers of the element, a very small amount of Administratium made one reaction that normally takes less than a second take over four days.

Administratium has a half-life of approximately 3 years, at which time it does not actually decay. Instead, it undergoes a reorganization in which assistants to the neutron, vice-neutrons, and assistants to the vice-neutrons exchange places. Some studies have indicated that the atomic mass number actually increases after each reorganization.

Administratium was discovered by accident when Dr. Languor angrily resigned from the chairmanship of the physics department and dumped all of his papers into the intake hatch of the university's particle accelerator. "Apparently, the interaction of all of those reports, grant forms, etc. with the particles in the accelerator created the new element." Dr. Langour explained.

Research at other laboratories seems to indicate that Administratium might occur naturally in the atmosphere. According to one scientist, Administratium is most likely to be found on college and university campuses, near the best-appointed and best-maintained buildings.

# Am I Your First?

A traveling salesman is out of town on a business trip and stays in a very posh hotel. After a nice dinner in the hotel resteraunt he goes into the hotel bar for a few drinks. He soon notices a very attractive woman and sends her over a drink. As the evening progresses he convinces her to come up to his room.

When they are relaxing after having sex, he asks, "Am I the first man you ever made love to?"

She looks at him thoughtfully for a second before replying. "You might be," she says. "Your face looks familiar."

# Traveling Salesman

A traveling salesman is going through the country when his car breaks down. He goes to a nearby farmhouse and asks to use the phone.

The farmer tells him, "We ain't got a phone, but I'm headin' into town tomorrow an' you kin spend the night here. O' course you'll have to sleep in the same bed as my three sons, here."

And the salesman says, "Wait a minute. I'm in the wrong joke."

# Sporting Goods Salesman

The general manager of a large department store wandered into the sporting goods department to observe a new salesman he had hired the previous week. When he arrived the salesman was busy with a customer, so the general manager stood back and observed the transaction.

"You'll be amazed at the fish you can catch on this lure," says the salesman, " and it works well with ten pound test line. You do have ten pound test line don't you?"

"Well no," says the customer.

Going over an picking up some line, the salesman says "This line really glides off your casting reel -- you do have a casting reel don't you?

"No I don't," says the customer.

So the salesman gets a casting reel and says, "This reel is our best and it easily attaches to your casting rod's quick connect -- you do have a casting rod don't you?

"I don't have that either," says the customer.

The salesman picks out an expensive casting rod and says " one great feature of this rod is that it works well with the rod holder on your boat -- you do have a rod holder don't you?

"Nope," says the customer.

The salesman gets the rod holder and says "This will mount to almost any boat. What kind of a boat do you have?

"I don't have a boat," says the customer.

So the salesman proceeds to sell him a fishing boat, and outboard motor, a boat trailer, and a trailer hitch for his car. The man then loads up all his stuff and his bill comes to $3,800 dollars. He thanks the salesman and drives away with all his new loot.

The store general manager is flabbergasted. "That is the best sales job I have ever seen," says the general manager. "A guy comes in for a fishing lure and you sell him almost four grand worth of merchandise."

"Oh he didn't come in to buy a fishing lure," says the salesman, " he asked me where in the store he should go to buy tampons for his wife and I said that, since she would be out of commission for a few days, he may just as well go fishing."

# Mail Room Reject

The president of a large corporation is approached by his sister to give her son Artie a job. Since Artie had flunked out of every school he had ever attended and had never held a job long enough to garner any experience, the president decided to assign him to the mail room. After a couple of weeks on the job, the manager of the mail room wrote the president a letter requesting that Artie be either dismissed or assigned to another department.

The president calls the mail room manager into his office and says: "I see that you have requested that Artie either be dismissed or reassigned."

"Yes," says the mail room manager, "I know he is your nephew, but he is a gross ignoramus."

"Exactly what do you mean by that?" says the president.

"Well," says the mail room manager, "he is 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."

# Unusual Ailment

A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well.

"What's the matter?" he asks.

"I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak voice.

"What the hell is anal glaucoma?"

"I can't see my ass coming into work today."

# Are Your Folks at Home?

A salesman rang the doorbell, and little Johnny answered. The salesman asked if his father was home.

Johnny said, "Yes."

The salesman said, "Well, can I see him please?"

Johnny snickered and said, "No, he is in the shower."

The salesman asked if his mother was home.

Johnny said, "Yes."

The salesman asked, "Well, can I see her?"

Johnny snickered again and said, "No, she's in the shower too."

The salesman then asked, "Do you think they will be out soon?"

Johnny laughed this time and said, "No."

The salesman asked, "Why?"

"Well," Johnny said, "when my dad asked me for the Vaseline, I gave him some Super Glue."

# The Monkey Tree *

A business executive takes his eight year old son to work with him for career day. After showing the boy around the plant, the executive sends the boy out on the floor to talk to the employees, while he makes an important phone call. On the way home, the executive asks his son what he thought about what he had seen.

"Well Dad," the young lad says, "it reminds me of the monkeys in the tree at the zoo."

"Why does my business remind you of a tree full of monkeys? says the dad.

"Because," says the son, "they are all on different limbs at different levels. Some monkeys are climbing up, some down. The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces."

"What about the monkeys on the bottom? says the dad.

"Well," says the son."the monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes."

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Not the Bad News

A secretary walked into her boss's office & said, "I'm afraid I've got some bad news for you."

"Why do you always have to give me bad news?" he complained.

"Tell me some good news for once."

"Alright, here's some good news," said the secretary.

"You're not sterile."

# John Dunn

A farm boy goes into a small Midwest town to buy some new clothes. The clerk asks him why he is buying all the fancy new clothes.

"I'm going to New York," says the teenager," Ive just graduated from high school and I'm going to the big city to look for a job."

"That's great," says the clerk, "I have a son in New York, could you give him a message for me?"

"Sure," says the teenager, "what's his name?"

"John Dunn," says the Clerk.

So the teenager goes to New York and true to his word he asks a businessman on the subway where he can find John Dunn.

"The only Dunn I know is the Dunn & Bradstreet brokerage firm, "says the businessman, "it's on Wall Street two stops from here on the subway.

So the teenager get's off the subway finds the Dunn & Bradstreet building, walks up to the receptionist and says: "Do you have a John here?"

The receptionist thinks he wants a men's room and tells him to go down the hall and take the third door to his right. The teenager walks into the restroom just as a guy is leaving one of the toilet stalls.

"Are you Dunn?" asks the teenager.

"Yea, I'm done," says the guy.

"Give your mother a call," says the teenager.

# Resourceful Executive

Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive''s wife stopped by his office. Since his secretary was not in the outer office, she decided to go directly into her husband's office.

When she opened the door, she found him with his secretary sitting in his lap.

Without hesitating, he dictated, "...and in conclusion, gentlemen, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair."

# Furniture Salesmen *

Two furniture salesmen are sitting at the bar commiserating. One says, "Man! If I don't move some furniture this month, I'm going to lose my ass."

The second salesman says, "Watch your mouth! There's a lady sitting next to you. I apologize for my friend, ma'am."

The woman looks at him and says, "That's OK. I'm a hooker. If I don't move some ass this month, I'm going to lose my furniture!"

* _Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# She's a Real Doll

A man comes home with his little daughter, whom he has just taken to work for the day. The little girl asks, "I saw you in your office with your secretary. Why do you call her a doll?"

Feeling his wife's gaze upon him, the man explains, "Well, honey, my secretary is a very hard-working girl. She types like you wouldn't believe, she knows the computer system and is very efficient."

"Oh," says the little girl, "I thought it was because she closed her eyes when you lay her down on the couch."

# Chapter 4

# Senior Citizen Jokes

#

Illustration by Terry Eade

Some of the jokes in this chapter may appear in other chapters. For example a joke about an old woman in a supermarket may appear here and in the Supermarket section. However, the jokes will have the same title in both chapters. The illustration above was drawn by the author and is protected by copyright.

The jokes have been annotated by an asterisk (*) for those which have language or content you may find offensive, a double asterisk (**) for those which are risque, and a triple asterisk (***) for those which may not be suitable for mixed company. Those jokes without annotation are more suitable for general audiences and usually more appropriate for speaking engagements. Viewer discretion is recommended.

# Longevity Study

A college student named Ben was collecting data for his master's degree thesis so he sets out through the park with his clip board and questionnaire form. The first old timer the student came to was sitting on a park bench reading a paper.

"Excuse me sir" said Ben, "I'm collecting information for a study on longevity and would like to ask you some questions."

"Sure, go ahead" says the man.

"To what do you attribute your long life?' says Ben

"Well," says the man, "I don't use tobacco of any kind and never have. I don't smoke it or chew it. Lots of my friends have died of cancer or emphysema, but not me."

"That's great," says Ben "and how old are you?"

"I turned eighty-seven years old last month," says the man proudly.

A little further down the path Ben finds a really old guy sitting on a park bench feeding the pigeons. After explaining his study to the second man he asks him to what he attributes his longevity.

"I believe I'm still alive because I never touched alcohol, said the second old man. "I never drank the hard stuff or even beer or wine. Lots of these other folks are dieing of liver disease or accidents caused by drinking alchol, but not me."

"Very commendable," says Ben "and how old are you?

"I'm proud to say that I've reached the ripe old age of ninety-six" says the second man.

A little farther down the path Ben finds a guy who looks older than the first two guys put together. He is just sitting on a park bench quaking and drooling on his shirt. Once Ben has gotten his attention and spoken loud enough to be heard, he explains the study and asks the third man to what he attributes his longevity.

"Well," begins the third man," I have a different philosophy than most of the other old timers here in the park. I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day, drink two bottles of whiskey every afternoon, and sleep with a different woman every night."

"That is very different," says Ben, "just how old are you?"

"Thirty-five," responds the third man with a wheeze.

# Memorial Stone

A elderly Jewish woman's husband dies and she has only $25,000 to her name. After everything is done at the funeral home and cemetery, she tells her closest friend that she has no money left. The friend says, "How can that be?

You told me you still had $35,000 left just a few days before your husband died.

How could you be broke?"

The widow says, "Well, the funeral home cost me $5,000. And of course, I had to make the obligatory donation to the temple, so that was another $5,000.

The rest went for the memorial stone.

The friend says, "$25,000 for the memorial stone? My God, how big was it?"

Extending her left hand, the widow says, "Three carats."

# Fiftieth Anniversary

An elderly couple were planning their fiftieth wedding anniversary and decided that they would try and get reservations at the same hotel that they spent their honeymoon at fifty years before. When the wife called the hotel and explained their situation the desk clerk was very moved and not only got them a reservation for the date they wanted but even got them the same honeymoon suite that they had stayed at some fifty years before.

When they arrived the management of the hotel had let all the staff know of the special couple and everyone treated them like royalty. They had a scrumptious dinner and then danced to the anniversary waltz. After they had a few drinks and danced a while, they went back to the room where the staff had put a chilled bottle of champaign on ice to top off their romantic evening. While the husband was downing a Viagra pill with a glass of champaign the wife went into the bathroom to slip into a very sexy nightgown she had bought especially for the occasion.

When the wife came out of the bathroom with her sexy nightgown on she found the husband sitting on the bed drinking his champaign and laughing.

"What is so funny?' she asked.

"Well", he said with a grin, "I guess this time it's my turn to sit on the side of the bed and cry because it's too big."

# A Little Bit Embarrassed

Four old retired guys named John, Bill, Steve, and Ed had just finished their weekly golf game and were headed for the club house. John suggested that they take a shower and then have a couple of drinks. Bill and Ed agreed, but Steve said that he thought he would just head home and shower there.

"How come you never stick around and have a drink with guys after we play golf?" says Ed.

"Well to be honest with you its that I'm a litlte embarrased to take a shower with the other guys", says Steve, "I've been that way since high school."

"Why are you embarrassed to shower with the guys?" says Bill.

"It's because I have such a small penis" says Steve.

"Can you still get an erection?" asks John.

"Oh, it still gets hard" says Steve, "It just isn't very big."

"Well how would you like to swap it for one that looks good in the shower?" says John with a laugh.

# What's Up Doc

An elderly couple came into a doctors office and told him that they were having problems with their sexual performance and wanted to have him observe them having sex and then make any recommendations he thought would be helpful. The doctor agreed and led the couple to the examination room where he had them perform sex on the examination table. After they were through he told them that he could not notice anything out of the ordinary and that he did not have any recommendations to make.

A week later the same couple came back and asked the doctor to make the same observation. He again complied and again did not have any recommendations to make. The next week the same old couple came back and made the same request.

"You were here twice before and I could not find anything wrong," said the doctor "why do you keep coming back?"

"Well to be honest," says the man "we were just looking for a place to have sex. I'm married and we can't go to my house, she lives with her daughter and we can't go to her house, and the Holiday Inn charges us $60 for a room. On the other hand you only charge $25 for an office call and we get most of that back from Medicare."

# Old Pecan Tree

On the outskirts of town, there was a big old pecan tree by the cemetery fence. One day two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. Several were dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." He just knew what it was. "Oh my," he shuddered, "it's Satan and the Lord dividing the souls at the cemetery.

He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard. Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."

The man said, "Beat it, kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk."

When the boy insisted, though, the man hobbled to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me. . ."

The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth. Let's see if we can see the devil himself." Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of Satan.

At last they heard, "One for you, one for me." And one last "one for you, one for me." That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence, and we'll be done."

They say the old guy made it back to town 5 minutes before the boy.

# Crude Production

A dentist was getting ready to clean an elderly lady's teeth. He noticed that she was a little nervous, so he began to tell her a story as he was putting on his surgical gloves...

"Do you know how they make these rubber gloves?"

She said, "No?"

"Well", he spoofed, "down in Mexico they have this big building set up with a large tank of latex, and the workers are all picked according to hand size. Each individual walks up to the tank, dips their hands in, and then walk around for a bit while the latex sets up and dries right onto their hands! Then they peel off the gloves and throw them into the big 'Finished Goods Crate' and start the process all over again."

The dentist waited for a reaction, but she didn't respond or laugh a bit. Five minutes later, during the procedure, he had to stop cleaning her teeth because she burst out laughing.

The old woman blushed and exclaimed, "I just suddenly thought about how they must make condoms!"

# Armed with the Scripture

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church service when she was startled by an intruder.

As she caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables, she yelled, "Stop! Acts 2:38!" (Repent and be baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven).

The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done. As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the bugler, "Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you."

" Scripture?" replied the burglar, "She said she had an ax and two 38's!

# Worried Sick

The ninety-five year old woman at the nursing home received a visit from one of her fellow church members.

"How are you feeling?" the visitor asked.

"Oh," said the lady, "I'm just worried sick!"

"What are you worried about, dear?" her friend asked. "You look like you're in good health. They are taking care of you, aren't they?"

"Yes, they are taking very good care of me."

"Are you in any pain?" she asked.

"No, I have never had a pain in my life."

"Well, what are you worried about?" her friend asked again.

The lady leaned back in her rocking chair and slowly explained her major worry.

"Every close friend I ever had has already died and gone on to heaven. I'm afraid they're all wondering where I went."

# Exciting Experiences *

Three old timers were relating their most exciting experiences.

The first, a retired sheriff, described the terrifying excitement of a shoot-out with Bonnie and Clyde back in his younger days. The other gents nodded and agreed that that, indeed, would have been exciting.

The second, a retired fireman, related the tale of a huge fire at the university several years back. There were flames, firetrucks from several area fire departments, but the most exciting part were the naked coeds jumping from their dorm windows into his arms. The other gents agreed that had to be a very exciting time.

The third guy started, "I was an undertaker. One night I got a call to pick up a body that was under a sheet in a hotel room. When I got there, the guy had a huge erection. I knew there was no way I could get him through the lobby like that. So I found an old broom and whacked that erection just as hard as I could to make it go down." He paused.

The retired fireman asked, "So, how was that exciting?"

The undertaker answered, "Well, you see, I was in the wrong room."

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# The Old Woman and the Lamp

The old woman had lived alone for years with only her cat and the antiques which she would buy at yard sales to clean up and sell for a profit. One day she was cleaning up an old oil lamp when a genie appeared from the lamp she was rubbing and informed her that she was entitled to three wishes.

"First," said the woman "I would like to be young and beautiful again."

In an instant she felt her body change and she ran to the mirror to see that she had been transformed into a young and beautiful woman of twenty-five. She was amazed and overjoyed.

"Next," she said, "I would like to be taken away from all the poverty and despair of this existence and transported to a fairy book castle with exquisite furnishings and all of the food, wine, clothing, and jewelry I could possibly ever use."

Instantly she was standing in the main hall of a beautiful magical castle with all the lavish material things she could ever hope for. In fact she was now in a quandary about what she could possibly want for her third wish. Then she noticed that she was all alone in her magical kingdom and that the only other thing she could possibly want was someone special to share all of this with.

"Finally for my last wish," said the woman, "I would like you to change my cat Felix into a handsome young prince who will stay with me and love me forever."

The next thing she knew her cat was transformed into a handsome, virile looking young prince adorned in fine clothes and jewelry. Their eyes met and it was evident that they were literally made for each other. He immediately swept her up into his arms and bound up the beautiful staircase of the castle two steps at a time.

When he reached the master bedroom, he laid her on the bed kissed her gently, then looked into her eyes and said: "Now aren't you sorry you had me fixed."

# Have a Ball

Two strangers were playing golf together. One is a retired businessman and the other a high school kid just taking up the game. On the fifth hole the younger golfer hits his drive into a pond which is about seventy yards out from the tee. "That was my last ball" says the young golfer "do you have a ball I could use?"

The old golfer pulls out a new ball and hands it to the young golfer, who proceeds to hit the second ball in the same place. Again he asks the old golfer for a ball. Again, the young golfer hits the third ball in the same spot.

As the old golfer is pulling out another new ball he says "You know you can play from the point of entry and just take a one stroke penalty, that would make it easier to get all the way over the pond."

"I know," responds the young golfer in frustration "but I'm going to make it over the pond from here if it takes me all day."

"Well these balls are expensive," says the old golfer as he hands over another new ball.

"If you can't afford the game, you shouldn't play," retorts the young golfer.

# Reduced Dosage

An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for Viagra.

The pharmacist said, "That's no problem. How many do you want?"

The man answered, "Just a few, maybe 4, but cut each one in 4 pieces."

The pharmacist said "That won't do you any good."

The elderly gentleman said "That's all right. I don't need them for sex anymore, as I'm over 80 years old.I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my shoes".

# Justifiable Crime

Defense Attorney: What is your age?

Little Old Woman: I am 86 years old.

Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened to you?

Little Old Woman: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney: Did you know him?

Little Old Woman: No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down beside you?

Little Old Woman: He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?

Little Old Woman: No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Woman: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner who passed away some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Woman: He began to rub my breasts..

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?

Little Old Woman: No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Woman: Why, Your Honor, his rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Woman: Well, I was feeling so spicy that I just spread my old legs and said to him, "Take me, young man, Take me!"

Defense Attorney: Did he take you?

Little Old Woman: Hell, no. That's when he yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot the son of a bitch!

# Being Successful

Two old guys are walking through the park talking about success. One fellow says "you know I've come to the conclusion that success is relative to the point in life you happen to be in at the time you are evaluating your success."

"What do you mean?" says the other fellow.

"Well," says the first guy," when you are really young your idea of success is not peeing your pants. Then when you get to be a teenager your idea of success is having sex every once-in-a-while. Then when you get through school your idea of success is making lots of money. Then when you reach middle age, your idea of success is finding happiness. Then when you get old and retire your idea of success is having sex every once-in-a-while. When you are really old your idea of success is not peeing your pants."

# Retirement

After a spring break, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent the holidays.

One child wrote the following:

"We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live here in a big brick house, but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Arizona. Now they live in a place with a lot of other retarded people. They live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on big tricycles and wear name tags because they don't know who the are anymore.

They go to a building called a wrecked center, but they must have got it fixed, because it is all right now. They play games and do exercises there, but they don't do them very well. There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with their hats on. I guess they don't know how to swim.

At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out. Then they go cruising in their golf carts.

My Grandma used to bake cookies and stuff, but I guess she forgot how. Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And they eat the same thing every night, "Early Birds". Some of the people can't get past the man in the doll house to go out. So the ones who do get out bring food back to the wrecked center and call it pot luck.

My Grandma says Grandpa's worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded some day too."

# The Man of Your Dreams

A rich old widow decided that she needed another man in her life so she placed an ad, which read something like this:

RICH WIDOW LOOKING FOR MAN TO SHARE LIFE AND FORTUNE WITH, QUALIFICATIONS:

1) WON'T BEAT ME UP

2) WON'T RUN AWAY

3) HAS TO BE GREAT IN BED

For several months, her phone rang off the hook, her doorbell was ringing constantly, she received tons of mail, etc., all to no avail: none seemed to match her qualifications.

Then one day the doorbell rang yet again. She opened the door to find a man with no arms and no legs lying on the welcome mat.

Perplexed, she asked, "Who are you? And what do you want?"

"Hi," he said, "your search is over, for I'm the man of your dreams. I've got no arms so I can't beat you up and no legs so I can't run away."

"Well then", she said, "what makes you think that you're so great in bed?"

To which he replied, "Well, I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

# For Medicinal Purposes Only

Sister Mary Katherine lived in a nunnery, a block away from Jack's liquor store in Dublin. One day, she came into the store and said, "Oh Jack, give me a pint o' the brandy."

"Sister Mary Katherine," exclaimed Jack, "I could never do that! I've never sold alcohol to a nun in my life!"

"Oh Jack," she responded, "it's only for the Mother Superior." Her voice dropped. "She's getting on in years and It helps her constipation, you know."

So Jack sold her the brandy.

Later that night Jack closed the store and walked home. As he passed the nunnery, who should he see but Sister Mary Katherine. And she was snookered. She was singing and dancing, whirling around and flapping her arms like a bird, right there on the sidewalk.

A crowd was gathering so Jack pushed through and exclaimed, "Sister Mary Katherine! For shame! You told me this was for the Mother Superior's constipation!"

Sister Mary Katherine didn't miss a beat as she replied: "And so it is, me lad, so it is. When she sees me, she's really going to shit!"

# Three Elderly Sisters

Three elderly sisters -- 92, 94 and 96 years old, all lived together.

One day the oldest drew a bath. She put one foot in the water, paused, then called downstairs to her sisters, "Am I getting in the tub or out of the tub?"

The middle sister started up the stairs to help, then paused and calledback downstairs, "Was I going up or coming down?"

The youngest sister, who was sitting at the kitchen table having tea, said, "I guess I'll have to help. I hope I never get that forgetful!" and knocked on wood. She got up, paused, then said, "I'll come up as soon as I see who's at the door!"

# A Sad Story

When I went to lunch today, I noticed this 75-80 year old lady named Fern, sitting on a park bench near J.C. Penney's. She was sobbing her eyes out.

I stopped and asked her what was wrong.

She said: "I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning, then gets up makes pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground, brewed coffee."

I said: "Well, then why are you crying?"

She said: "He makes homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies then makes love to me half the afternoon."

I said: "Well so why are you crying?"

She said: "For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 am"

Again I said: "Well, why in the world would you be crying?"

"I can't remember where I live!", she said.

# Honest Abe

An older man wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phony beard sat down at a bar and ordered a drink. As the bartender set it down, he asked, "Going to a party ?"

"Yeah," the man answered, "I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life."

"But you look like Abe Lincoln." Protested the barkeep.

"That's right... My last four scores were seven years ago."

# Proof of Purchase

A little old lady went to the grocery store and put the most expensive cat food in her basket. She went to the check out counter where she told the girl "Nothing but the best for my little kitten."

The girl at the register said, I''m sorry but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat."

The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and went back to the store. They sold her the cat food.

The next day the little old lady went to the store and bought twelve of the most expensive dog cookies. The cashier this time demanded proof that she had a dog, claiming old people sometimes eat dog food.

Frustrated she went home,came back with her dog. She was then given the dog cookies.

The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid. The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole.

The cashier said, "no, you might have a snake in there."

The little old lady assured her there was nothing in the box that would bite her. So the cashier put her finger into the box and pulled it out and told the little old lady, "that smells like crap."

The little old lady grinned from ear-to-ear and said, "now, my dear, may I please buy three rolls of toilet paper?"

# Word Association

A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning. He said, "Today, church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach. I want you to sing whatever hymn that comes to your mind."

The pastor shouted out, "Cross."Immediately the congregation started singing in unison"The Old Rugged Cross."

The Pastor hollered out, "Grace."The congregation began to sing "Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound."

The Pastor said, "Power.""There is Power in the Blood."

The Pastor said, "Sex."The congregation fell in total silence. Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other afraid to say anything.

Then all of a sudden way from in the back of the church a little old 87-year-old grandmother stood up and began to sing ........."Precious Memories"

# Letter from Grandma

The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "Honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker.

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling Choir performance, followed by a Thunderous Prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, I'm glad I did! What an up lifting experience that followed!

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is ... and I didn't notice the light had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus, because if he hadn't honked, I'd never noticed! I found that lots of people loved Jesus!

Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, "For the love of God! Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, Go!"

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love.

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a "sunny beach" ...

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.

I asked my teenage grandson, in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I've never met any one from Hawaii, so I leaned out of the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing ...why, even he was enjoying this religious experience!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me ... I bet they wanted to Pray, or ask me what Church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks.

Grandma

# Dangerous Food

A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake."

# Richly Adorned

An elderly Jewish woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the the artist, "Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and Rolex."

"But you are not wearing any of those things."

"I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry."

# Motherly Love

A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick a few things when henoticed an old lady following him around.

Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him.

"Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who just died recently."

"I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "is there anything I can do for you?"

"Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye, Mother!' ? It would make me feel so much better."

"Sure," answered the young man. As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye, Mother!" As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50.

"How can that be?" he asked, "I only purchased a few things!"

"Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.

# Complete Coverage

Sadie and Esther, two elderly widows, are sitting, people-watching, in a Catskill hotel lobby. "You know," says Sadie, "I've been reading this 'Sex and Marriage' book and all they talk about is mutual orgasm. Mutual orgasm here, mutual orgasm there, that's all they talk about.

Tell me, Esther, when your husband was alive, did you two ever have mutual orgasm?"

"No," says Esther, "I think we had State Farm."

# Doctor's Orders

A 92 year old man went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.

At his follow up visit, the doctor talked to the man and said, "I've noticed that you're seeing a much younger woman and I'm concerned that you may over exert yourself?"

The man replied, "I'm just doing what you said Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful,'"

The Doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said you got a heart murmur. Be careful."

# Keep Your Motor Running

It was the stir of the town when an 80-year-old man married a 20-year-old girl. After a year she went into the hospital to give birth. The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow. "This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?"

He answered, "You've got to keep that old motor running."

The following year she gave birth again. The same nurse said, "You really are amazing. How do you do it?"

He again said, "You've got to keep the old motor running."

The same thing happened the next year. The nurse said, "You must be quite a man."

He responded, "You've got to keep that old motor running."

The nurse then said, "Well, you had better change the oil, this one's black."

# Good Morning

An elderly couple are both lying in bed one morning, having just awaken from a good nights sleep. He takes her hand and she responds, "Don't touch me."

"Why not," he asks.

She answers back, "because I'm dead."

The husband says to her, "What are you talking about? We're both lying here in bed together and talking to one another."

The wife says, "No, I'm definitely dead."

Her husband insists, "You're not dead. What in the world makes you think you're dead?"

His wife answers, "I know I'm dead, because I woke up this morning and nothing hurts."

# So That's What Happened

An older couple were going across the country by car. They stopped at a gas station and he got out to fill the tank. The Mrs. got out to go to the washroom, but he didn't see her leave the car. He paid for the gas and then drove off, leaving his wife at the gas station.

His wife came out of the washroom and discovered that her husband had driven off. She waited for a while as she expected him to come back, but after 1/2 hour she went to the cashier and explained the situation.

The cashier called the highway patrol and they dispatched a car after him.

The patrol car caught up with him, sounded the siren and the man pulled off the road.

The officer went to the man's car and told him that he had driven off without his wife and that she was still back at the gas station.

"Thank goodness", replied the man, "I thought that I had gone deaf."

# What's Wrong Now?

Don and Betty had just put their last kid through college and were now ready to retire and enjoy life. To celebrate they bought a motor home and set off on their dream vacation. Not more than two hundred miles down the road Don had turned the motor home into the path of a speeding semi truck and the next thing they knew they were at the pearly gates of heaven.

St. Peter welcomed them in and introduced them to a young angel named Faith. Faith explained that she was to be their hostess in heaven and would show them around and get them acquainted with their new life in heaven. The first thing she did was to take them to their new living quarters. It was a beautiful penthouse apartment with a gorgeous view and lovely furnishings.

"This is a bit above our means" said Don.

"Not at all" said faith, "this is heaven. All this is free for as long as you want it, no rent, no utilities, no taxes, and no upkeep expenses or labor involved. And if you ever get tired of this place just come to me and I will get you another place to your liking. Now do you have any special interests or hobbies?"

"Well we both like to golf" said Betty.

"Then you'll love our golf courses" said Faith, who immediately whisked them off to the most beautiful golf course they had ever seen. It was immaculate in every way. "This is just one of many of our golf courses here in heaven. They are all free and there is never any waiting for a tee time. In addition there are all kinds of other types of entertainment here in heaven and they are all top quality and of course without any waiting or cost."

Next Faith took them to a restaurant for lunch. Their they were met by the Manager who showed them to a table with a gorgeous view and then to a buffet table with every imaginable type of food, all prepared and garnished exquisitely.

"I suppose this is all free too"? asked Don.

"Not only is it free" responded Faith, "but you don't have to worry about any calories, indigestion, or cholesterol. There are thousands of such restaurants here in heaven open all of the time and always with fresh food and great atmosphere. Remember, this is heaven.

As they were eating their lunch, Betty noticed that Don was very sullen. "What could possibly be wrong now?" asked Betty.

"Nothing really", said Don, "but I was just thinking that if you hadn't kept nagging me about my diet and making me eat all that healthy food, I could have been here ten years ago."

# Delayed Reaction *

This ninety year old man lived in a rest home and got a weekend pass. He stopped in his favorite bar and sat at the end and ordered a drink. He noticed a seventy year old woman at the other end of the bar and he told the bartender to buy the lovely young lady a drink. As evening progressed, the old man joined the lady and they went to her apartment,where they got it on.

Four days later, the old man noticed that he was developing a drip, and he headed for the rest home doctor. After careful examination the doctor asked the old man if he had engaged in sex recently.

The old man said, "sure".

The doctor asked "Do you remember who the woman was and where she lived?"

The old man said, "Sure, why?"

The doctor replied "Well you'd better get over there, you're about to cum."

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# May It Rest in Peace *

Mr. Smith was an old man in the nursing home. Getting a bit senile, he went to the head nurse and informed her that his penis had died. Realizing Mr. Smith was getting on in years, she decided to play along. She replied, "It did? I'm sorry to hear that."

Two days later, Mr. Smith was walking down the halls with his penis hanging outside his pants. The head nurse went over to cover him up and escort him back to his room.

She said, "Mr. Smith, I thought you told me your penis died..."

It did," he replied, "today is the viewing."

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# I Can't Thank You Enough

A man who lived in a block of senior citizen apartments thought it was raining and put his hand out the window to check. As he did so a glass eye fell into his hand.

He looked up to see where it came from in time to see an attractive older woman looking down.

"Is this yours?" he asked.

She said, "Yes, could you bring it up?" and the man agreed.

On arrival she was profuse in her thanks and offered the man a drink. As she was very attractive he agreed. Shortly afterwards she said, "I'm about to have dinner. There's plenty. Would you like to join me?"

He readily accepted her offer and both enjoyed a lovely meal. As the evening was drawing to a close the lady said, "I've had a marvelous evening. Would you like to stay the night?"

The man hesitated then said, "Do you act like this with every man you meet?"

"No," she replied, "Only those who catch my eye."

# Old Biker Chick

A little old lady wanted to join a biker club. She knocked on the door of a local biker club and a big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers the door. She proclaims "I want to join your biker club".

The guy was amused and told her that she needed to meet certain biker requirements before she was allowed to join. So the biker asks her "You have a bike?"

The little old lady says "Yea, thats my Harley over there" and points to a Harley parked in the driveway.

The biker asks her "Do you smoke?"

The little old lady says "Yea, I smoke. I smoke 4 packs of cigarettes a day and a couple of cigars while I'm shooting pool".

The biker is impressed and asks "Well, have you ever been picked up by the Fuzz?".

The little old lady says "No, I've never been picked up by the fuzz, but I've been swung around by my nipples".

# Two Tickets Please

An old farmer approaches the window of the local movie theater with a chicken on his shoulder, and asks for two tickets. The girl at the counter wants to know who is going in with him. He replies, "Well, my pet chicken, of course!

The girl tells him that he can't take a chicken into the theater, so he goes around the corner, and stuffs the chicken into his pants. He returns to the window, buys his ticket and goes in. Once inside the theater he looks for a seat. The only one available is next to two elderly women from the retirement home down the block from the theater.

After about fifteen minures, the chicken starts to get hot and begins to squirm, so the man unzips his pants so the chicken can stick it's head out and watch the movie. After a couple more minutes Agnes elbows Myrtle and whispers, "Myrtle, this old man over here has just unzipped his pants!"

Myrtle whispers back, "Oh, don't worry about it.....you've seen one, you've seen them all."

Agnes says, "I know......but this one's eating my popcorn!"

# Always Good News

An elderly Jewish man is sitting on a park bench reading Louis Farrakhan's newspaper. His best friend walks by, sees the paper, and stops in shock.

"What are you doing reading that paper?" he says. "You should be reading the 'Jewish Journal'!"

The elderly man replies, "The Jewish Journal has stories about anti-Semitism, problems in Israel - all kinds troubles of the Jewish people. I like to read about good news."

His friend gasps, "What good news could possibly be in that paper?"

"Well, Farrakhan's paper says the Jews have all the money, the Jews control the banks, the Jews control the press, the Jews control Hollywood -- see? It's all good news!"

# A Sensible Solution

Fred and Barney were sitting on the porch of the Retired Veterans home discussing politics as usual.

"Well I see that Congress has just appropriated a billion dollars to improve airline security and two billion to keep the airlines solvent until they get people to feel comfortable flying again ," says Fred as he puts down his newspaper.

"I could save them all that money."says Barney, "and accomplist the same results."

"How would you do that?", says Fred.

"I'd replace all the stewardesses with strippers," says Barney.

"What would that accomplish?" asks Fred.

"Well first the Muslim men would stop flying because they are not allowed to look at a naked woman", says Barney, "and second, the business men would probably double their flying time just to get to see the strippers, especially if it is on the company tab."

# A Terrific Combination

A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa in the hospital. "How are you grandpa?" he asks.

"Feeling fine," says the old man.

"What's the food like?"

"Terrific, wonderful menus."

"And the nursing?"

"Just couldn't be any better. These young nurses really take care of you."

"What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?"

"No problem, nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet--and that's it. I go out like a light." The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so he rushed off to question the nurse in charge.

"What are you people doing?" he says. "I'm told you're giving an 85-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?"

"Oh yes," replies the nurse. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The hot chocolate makes him sleep, and Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed."

# The Best Gift

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together to celebrate their mother's 80th birthday, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.

The first said, "I built a big house for our mother."

The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."

The third smiled and said, "I've got you, both beat. You remember how mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church twelve years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."

Soon thereafter, mom sent out her letters of thanks:

"Milton," she wrote one son, "The house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."

"Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes and the driver is so rude!"

"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "You have the good sense to know what your mother likes ... the chicken was delicious!"

# Failing Eyesight

"How was your golf game, dear?" asked Jack's wife Tracy.

"Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't see where the ball went."

"But you're 75-years-old, Jack!" admonished his wife, "Why don't you take my brother Scott along?"

"But he's 85 and doesn't even play golf anymore," protested Jack.

"He's got perfect eyesight. He could watch your ball," Tracy pointed out.

The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung, and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway. "Do you see it?" asked Jack.

"Yup," Scott answered.

"Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.

"I forgot."

# Just to be Safe

This old man in his eighty's got up and was putting on his coat.

His wife said, "Where are you going ?"

He said, "I'm going to the doctor."

And she said, "Why? Are you sick?"

"No," he said. "I'm going to get me some of those new Viagra pills."

So his wife got up out of her rocker and was putting on her sweater and he said, "Where are you going?"

She said, "I'm going to the doctor too."

He said, "Why?"

She said, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing again, I'm going to get a tetanus shot."

# Dating Advise

Sadie and Yetta, two elderly Jewish widows, are talking:

Sadie: "That nice Morris Finkleman asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."

Yetta: "Vell.... I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctual like a clock. An like such a mench he is dressed. Fine suit, wonderful lining. And he brings me such beautiful flowers you could die from. Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but such a beautiful car..... a limousine even, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for a dinner.....Marvelous dinner. Lobster even. Den ve go see a show....let me tell you Sadie, I enjoyed it so much I could just die from pleasure!

So then we are coming back to my apartment, and into an ANIMAL he turns. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times!"

Sadie: "Oy! Vey... so you are tellink me I shouldn't go out with him?"

Yetta: "No... I'm just saying that if you go, wear an old dress!"

# True Love

An elderly couple was on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing at the stern of the shipwatching the moon when a wave came up and washed the old man overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find him. The captain sent the old woman back to shore with the promise that he would notifyher as soon as they found something.

Three weeks went by and finally the old woman got a fax from the ship. It read: "Ma'am, sorry to inform you, we found your husband dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled him aboard and discovered attached to his butt was an oyster. Inside the oyster was a pearl worth $50,000. Please advise."

The old woman faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap."

# Senior Moments

Howard is 95 and lives in a senior citizen home. Every night after dinner, Howard goes to a secluded garden behind the center to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life.

One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat, and before they know it, several hours have passed.

After a short lull in their conversation, Howard turns to Mildred and asks,"Do you know what I miss most of all?" She asks, "What?" and he replies SEX!!!"

Mildred exclaims, "Why you old fart, you couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!"

"I know," Howard says, "but it would be nice if a woman just held it for a while."

"Well, I can oblige", says Mildred, who gently unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it.

Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Howard's manhood. Then, one night, Howard didn't show up at their usual meeting place.

Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Howard and make sure that he was O.K. She walked around the senior citizen home where she found him sitting by the pool with another female resident, Ethel, who was holding Howard's manhood!

Furious, Mildred yelled, "You two-timing creep! What does Ethel have that Idon't have?!?"

Howard smiled happily and replied, "Parkinson's."

# A New Hat

An old lady stood at the railing of a cruise ship, holding tightly to her hat. A young man approached her, and said, "Pardon my being forward, Ma'am, but are you aware that your dress is blowing up in the wind?"

"Yes, I know, but the wind is so strong I need both hands to hold onto this hat."

"But Ma'am, you must know that your private parts are exposed!"

The old lady glanced down, then back up. "Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"

# Reminiscing

Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home, reminiscing.

The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers, and demonstrated with her hands the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.

The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, then demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a just a penny.

Then the third old lady chipped in with: "I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about"

# The Kids are Coming

An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on thephone.

"They're not getting divorced if I have anything to do about it," she shouts, "I'll take care of this."

She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "They're coming for our anniversary and even paying their own fares...Now what do we tell them for Thanksgiving ?"

# Television Evangelist

Grandma and Grandpa were watching a healing service on TV. The evangelist called to all who wanted to be healed to go to their TV set, place one hand on the TV and the other hand on the body part where they wanted to be healed.

Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the TV, placed her right hand on the set and her left hand on her arthritic shoulder that was causing her to have great pain.

Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV, placed his right hand on the set and his left hand on his crotch

Grandma scowled at him and said, "I guess you just don't get it. The purpose of doing this is to heal the sick, not to raise the dead."

# Smoking in the Rain

Thelma and Abigail were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. Abigail pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

"What's that?" asks thelma.

" A condom," says Abigail. "This way my cigarette doesn't get wet."

"Where did you get it?" Thelma inquires.

"You can get them at any drugstore." says Abigail.

The next day, Thelma hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but politely asks what brand she prefers.

"It doesn't matter," says Thelma, "as long as it fits a Camel."

The pharmacist fainted.

# Flower Show

Two old men were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress.

One leaned over the other and said, "Cripes! life is boring, we never have any fun these days. For $5.00, I'd take my clothes off and streak through the flower show!"

"You're on!" said the other old fellow, holding up five dollars.

As fast as he could, the first old man fumbled his way out of his clothes and completely naked, streaked through the front door of the town hall. His friend heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause. The streaker burst out through the door surrounded by a cheering crowd.

"Wow, what happened?" asked his friend.

"It was great!" he said, "I won first prize for dried arrangement!"

# Taxed to the Limit

Frank and Maybelle, an old couple who owned a small business, were sitting together on an airplane flying on their first vacation to Europe.

Halfway through their trip the Captain announces: "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some terrible news. We're experiencing engine trouble and this plane will be forced to land immediately! Luckily, I see an island below us that should be able to accommodate our landing."

A few minutes later the plane lands safely on the island and everyone deplanes and begin the task of figuring out what to do next.

After a while old Frank turns to his wife and say's "This Island appears to be uncharted and desolate. In fact the Captain is unable to find it on any of his maps. So the odds are that we will never be rescued and will have to live on the island for a very long time, if not for the rest of our lives! This is horrible, simply horrible!"

After a few minutes his wife Maybelle asks,"Did we pay our quarterly Federal income tax yet?"

"No. What a silly thing to ask now!" says Frank.

She replies,"Did you remember to mail off our State taxes before we left?"

"No, I forgot to send the check, so what! Let 'em rot!"

"One last thing," says Maybelle,"Did you remember to send property tax check this month?"

"Nope, I'm afraid that I forgot that one too! And your point is?"

Maybelle begins to grin,

"So what are you smiling about!?" an exasperated Frank asks.

"They'll find us!!" says Maybelle.

# Aging Romance

An old couple was lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.

She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."

Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.

A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me." Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to nibble on my ear"

Angrily, he threw back the bedclothes and got out of bed.

"Where are you going?" she asked.

He answered, "To get my teeth!"

# Grandma's 100th Birthday

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn in her wheel chair where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't talk very well but she could write notes fairly good when she needed to communicate.

After a short time out on the lawn Grandma started leaning off to the right and some family members grabbed her and straightened her up and stuffed pillows on her right.

A short time later she started leaning off to her left and again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.

Soon she started leaning forward and the family members again grabbed her and tied a pillow case around her waist to hold her up.

A nephew who arrived late came running up to Grandma and said, "Hi Grandma, you're looking good, how are they treating you?"

Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew, "They won't let me fart".

# Wild Thing

The old man's regular barber had retired and so he had gone to one of the new chain, unisex hair styling salons to get his regular conservative haircut. Not only did they not have any of his favorite sports or car magazines, but most of the clientile were women and younger folks.

As the old man was sitting uncomfortably in the waiting area, reading a People Magazine, a young man pulled up outside in a custom chopper with loud pipes. After the young guy had parked his bike and taken off his leathers he walked in and sat down. The young guy had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, blue, and yellow.

The old man just stared.

The young man said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"

Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son."

# Unusual Reaction

An elderly married couple scheduled their annual medical examination on the same day so they could travel together.

After the examination, the doctor then said to the elderly man: "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to ask me?"

"In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have sex with my wife the first time, I am usually hot and sweaty, and then, after I have sex with my wife the second time, I'm usually cold and chilly."

The old man stood there and looked extremely concerned.

The doctor just shook his head, and said "I have no Idea what could cause such a reaction, but will try and find out and get back to you."

After examining the elderly lady, the doctor said: "Everything appears to be fine with you. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"

The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns, that everything was just dandy.

The doctor then told her: "Well, your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you and then cold and chilly after the second time. Would you happen to know why?"

"Oh that crazy old fool!" she replied. "That's because the first time is usually in July and the second time is usually in December"

# Whatcha Got There?

An old man in Mississippi is sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

"Roll of chicken wire."

"What you gonna do with that?"

"Gonna catch some chickens."

"You damn fool! You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" The boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset, the boy comes walking by, dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.

The next morning, the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something in his hand. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

"Roll of duct tape."

"What you gonna do with that?"

"Gonna catch me some ducks."

"You damn fool! You can't catch ducks with duct tape!"

The boy just laughs and keeps walking.That night around sunset the boy walks by, trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duct tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.

The next morning, the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end. ''Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

"It's a pussy willow."

"Wait up...I'll get my hat."

# Pick Three Hymns

One Sunday a pastor asked his congregation to consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.

After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had contributed a $1,000 bill. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation, and said he'd like to personally thank the person who had placed the money in the plate.

A very quiet, elderly, saintly widow shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and asked her to pick out three hymns.

Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said, "I'll take him and him and him."

# God Looks After Me

A 70-year-old man goes to the doctor's for a physical.

The doctor runs some tests and says to the man, ''Well, everything seems to be in top condition physically, but what about mentally? How is your connection with God?''

And the man says, ''Oh me and God? We're tight. We have a real bond, he's good to me. Every night when I have to get up to go to the bathroom, he turns on the light for me, and then, when I leave, he turns it back off.''

Well, upon hearing this the doctor was astonished.

He called the man's wife and said, ''I'd like to speak to you about your husband's connection with God. He claims that every night when he needs to use the restroom, God turns on the light for him and turns it off for him again when he leaves. Is this true?''

And she says, ''That idiot, he's been peeing in the refrigerator again!"

# I Can Guess Your Age

One day at the rest home, an old man and woman are talking. Out of nowhere the woman says, "I can guess your age."

The man doesn't believe her, but tells her to go ahead and try.

"Pull down your pants," she says.

He doesn't understand but does it anyway. She inspects his rear end for a few minutes and then says, "You're 84 years old."

"That's amazing," the man says. "How did you know?"

"You told me yesterday."

# A Pair of Bad Memories

There were two old people that are married and have been for fifty years. One day they went to a doctor because they recently had been forgeting things and they were afraid that they would leave the stove on.

The doctor said, "There is no way medically, but you could always write notes to help you remember things."

That night, as the wife was getting up, her husband asked what she was doing.

She replied, "I was just going to make some ice cream."

The husband insisted that he would make it.

As he was walking into the kitchen, she called out, "With a cherry on top!"

"Okay dear," he replied. "And sprinkles too!"

"Okay dear."

From the kitchen came sounds of banging pots and pans and nearly twenty minutes later he came back into the room with bacon and eggs.

The wife said "Where's the toast?

# Can You Hear Me Now?

An old man goes to his doctor and says, "I don't think my wife's hearing is as good as it used to be, what should I do?"

The doctor replies, "Try this test to find out for sure. When your wife is in the kitchen doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a question. If she doesn't respond keep moving closer, asking the question until she hears you."

The man goes home and sees his wife preparing dinner. He stands fifteen feet behind her and says, "What's for dinner, honey?" No reponse. He moves to ten feet behind her and asks again, no response. Five feet, no answer.

Finally he stands directly behind her and says, "Honey, what's for supper?"

She says, "For the fourth time, I said chicken!"

# Rocking on the Porch

A man was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.

"Grandpa, what are you doing?" he exclaimed.

The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him.

"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.

The old man slyly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This was your Grandma's idea!"

# As the Worm Turns

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole.

" The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."

The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then he stuffs the worm back into the hole.

The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later, the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars.

The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars."

The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your grandma."

# I'm Coming Back

A couple had been married for a long time, but could never get along very well. Many times, late at night, there would be screams and shouts from their house.

The old man often screamed these words at her in public, "I'm sick and tired of you! When I die, I will come out of my grave to haunt you!"

The old guy started practicing black magic. All the disappearances in the neighborhood of cats, dogs and people were blamed on him.

At the age of 80 the old guy died, and his wife put him in a casket. Later that night, she went to a bar and partied as if there was no tomorrow. Her neighbor asked her, "Aren't you scared that the old guy will dig himself up and haunt you?"

The old lady calmly replied, "Eh, let him keep digging. I had them put the casket in the ground upside down."

# Do You Know Who I Am?

President George W. Bush decides it is time to do some public relations at a local Washington DC nursing home.

The President begins his "tour" down the main hallway and passes by a little old man who doesn't seem to notice him.

Sensing this, President Bush backtracks to the resident and asks, "Do you know who I am?"

The little old man looks up from his walker and says, "No, but if you go to the front desk, they will tell you your name."

# A Post Turtle

While suturing a laceration on the hand of a 90-year-old man, the doctor asked his patient how he thought George W. Bush was doing as President.

The old man said, "Ya know, Bush is a post turtle." Not knowing what the old man meant, the doctor asked him what a "post turtle" was.

He said, "Did you ever drive down a country road and come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top? You know he didn't get there by himself, he doesn't belong there, he can't get anything done while he's up there, and you just want to help the poor thing down. That's a post turtle."

# Crazy Drivers

There's a senior citizen driving on the highway. His wife calls him on his cell phone and in a worried voice says, ''Herman, be careful! I just heard on the radio that there was a madman driving the wrong way on Route 280!''

Herman says, ''I know, but there isn't just one, there are hundreds!'

# Lab Test Specimens

A elderly man and his wife went to the doctor's office and the doctor asked the man for a blood, urine, and feces sample.

The man was slightly deaf and said, ''What?''

Again, the doctor said, ''I need a blood, urine and feces sample."

The man still looked puzzled, so his wife leaned over and yelled into his ear:

''Sheldon, the doctor needs a pair of your underwear!'

# Nonfatal Gun Shot Wound

One day there was a 97 year old woman, who wanted to commit suicide but unfortunately she did not know where her heart was. So the old woman calls up her doctor and asked,''Where's my heart located?''

''On a woman, it's usually located under her left breast,'' the doctor replied.

The next day the woman was taken to the hospital and diagnosed with a gun shot wound to the knee. 

# Baseball in Heaven

Two old guys, Abe and Sol, are sitting on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball, like they do every day. Abe turns to Sol and says, "Do you think there's baseball in heaven?"

Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno. But let's make a deal: if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's baseball in heaven, and if you die first, you do the same."

They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes on. One day soon afterward, Sol is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, "Sol... Sol..."

Sol responds, "Abe! Is that you?"

"Yes it is, Sol," whispers Abe's ghost.

Sol, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in heaven?"

"Well," says Abe, "I've got good news and bad news."

"Gimme the good news first," says Sol.

Abe says, "Well... there is baseball in heaven."

Sol says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?"

Abe sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday."

# The Phantom Flasher **

One day three old ladies were sitting on a park bench by the retirement center talking about all the things they missed about being young. Suddenly this guy jumped out of the bushes and flashed them.

The first old lady had a stroke, the second one had a stroke too, and the third old lady tried, but had arthritis so bad she couldn't get a good grip.

_** Risque_

# It's Too Late Now

An old couple is on a walk, when a pigeon flies by and deposits a poopy little present on the woman's head.

"Yech!" says the woman. "Get some toilet paper."

"What for? He must be half-a-mile away by now.

# Teenage Clerk

A teenage kid is working at a drug store after school each day. The kid works hard, but always gets the orders wrong. His boss tells him if he screws up one more time, he is fired.

An old man walks in and orders cough syrup. The teenager can't find any so he gives the old man a laxative instead. The old man takes the laxative and leaves the store.

The boss comes up and asks why he gave the man a laxative in place of cough syrup. The teenager points towards the old man who is suddenly leaning on a lightpost and says, "Look at him -- he's afraid to cough.

# The Peanut Jar *

An old man and a young man work together in an office. The old man always has a jar of peanuts on his desk, and the young man really loves peanuts.

One day, while the old man is away from his desk, the young man yields to temptation and scarfs down over half of the contents of the jar. When the old man returns, the young man feels guilty and confesses to his crime.

"Don't worry, son. I never eat the peanuts anyway," the old man replies. "Since I lost my teeth, all I can do is gum chocolate off the M&M's."

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Customer Service **

An old woman goes in to a sex shop, shaking.

"Sir," she says in a shaky voice, "do you sell vibrators?"

"Yes, ma'am."

"And are they this big around, this long, and take four D cell batteries?" she asks in a shaky voice.

"Yes, ma'am."

"And they're $22.95?" she asks in a shaky voice.

"Yes, ma'am."

"How do you turn them off?

_** Risque_

# Impulse Purchase

One day Reverend Smith went to visit Mrs. Jenkins, one of the elder parishoners in his church. When he arrived she asked him to wait in the parlor while she went to the kitchen to get refreshments for their visit. Reverend Smith, while waiting in the parlor, happened to notice that on top of Mrs. Jenkins' organ was sitting a bowl which contained a condom floating in water.

Now Reverend Smith was very befuddled and after Mrs. Jenkins returned he couldn't help himself and asked her to explain this to him.

"Oh, Reverend Smith," she replied, "I was browsing at the corner drug store and noticed these small foil packages on a display. The package said that if you put it on your organ and keep it wet that it will prevent disease and frankly, I haven't been sick all year."

# Just Showing Off

There was a young woman who lived with her grandmother. One night, the granddaughter came bouncing down the stairs dressed to go out to a party wearing a see-through blouse without a bra.

Her grandmother told her to go back upstairs and "dress decent".

''No, I want to show off my rosebuds!'' she said and bounded out the door.

The next day, the granddaughter came outside to find her grandmother on the porch wearing a see-through blouse without a bra.

''Grandmother! What are you doing? A couple of other friends are coming over any time now! Please go change your blouse, I'm so embarrassed!''

''No. If you can show off them rosebuds then I can show off my hanging baskets.''

# Lottery Tickets **

An elderly couple walked into the supermarket. They looked confused, so a clerk walked up to them and asked them what they wanted.

The couple asked for two lottery tickets. He gave the tickets to them, and they paid for them.

The husband looked confused again. He asked the clerk, "What the hell do I do with these damn things?"

The clerk replied, "Well, you're supposed to scratch the box and see if you've won anything."

The wife looked disgusted. "Oh please," she muttered.

"What?" asked the clerk.

"Oh nothing," she answered, "it's just that, well, he's been a scratching around down there for years, and nothing has ever come of it yet.

_** Risque_

# The Old Explorer

A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most frightening experience he had ever had.

The old explorer said, "Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of India. I was on a narrow path and my faithful native gunbearer was behind me. Suddenly the largest tiger I have ever seen leaped onto the path in front of us. I turned to get my weapon only to find the native had fled. The tiger leapt toward me with a mighty ROARRRR! I soiled myself."

The reporter said, "Under those circumstances anyone would have done the same."

The old explorer said, "No, not then - just now when I went 'ROARRRR!'"

# Fifty Years of Bad Sex

And old woman and an old man are sitting on the porch, when all of a sudden the old woman slaps the old man.

"That's for 50 years of the worst sex I've ever had," says the old woman.

They're both silent for ten minutes. Then the old man slaps the old woman.

"That's for knowin' the difference," he says as he stomps of the porch.

# A Small Sample *

A very old couple wanted to have children, so they went to their doctor and told him their problem. The doctor gave the couple a tiny jar and told them to fill it up. About a week later, the couple came back.

"I tried with my right hand until it gave out, and I tried with my left hand until it gave out," said the man.

"And I tried with both hands until they gave out," said the woman. "And we still can't get the lid off the jar."

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Myna Bird

There was an elderly lady who lived by herself. She decided that it would be nice to have a talking parrot to keep her company. So the elderly lady went to the pet store and the owner of the store asked her how much she wished to spend. She was on Social Security so she had only $20.00 to spend.

The owner sadly informed the lady that there was no way she could buy a talking parrot for only $20.00. "But, there is a possibility!" he said. And the store owner brought out a black myna bird on a perch, and said, "You can have this myna bird for $20, but he only speaks one phrase, all he can say is 'WHO IS IT?'...that's the limit of his vocabulary."

The lady was ecstatic. She paid the $20, and took the bird home. When she got home, she placed the perch near the front door and went out to get a cage and some birdseed, and other items she thought her new companion might like. After the lady drove off, the man from the butcher shop showed up with his weekly delivery. He knocked on the door.

"Who is it!?" shrieked the myna bird.

"It's the butcher!" said the man.

"Who is it!?" repeated the bird.

"Lady, it's the butcher!"...

"Who is it!?"

"Lady, it's the butcher!"

"Who is it!?"

(now exasperated beyond limit) "Lady! I said it's the butcher!"

"Who is it!?"

Then the man suffers a heart attack, and falls dead face onto the ground in front of the front door. The lady returns from her shopping and sees the dead body, she opens the door and says "Oh my! Who is it?!"

...and the myna bird promptly said, "It's the butcher!!!"

# Did God Make You?

A grandpa and granddaughter were sitting talking when she asked, "Did God make you, Grandpa?"

"Yes, God made me," the grandfather answered.

A few minutes later, the little girl asked him, "Did God make me too?"

"Yes, He did," the old man answered.

For a few minutes, the little girl seemed to be studying her grandpa, as well as her own reflection in the mirror, while her grandfather wondered what was running through her mind.

At last she spoke up. "You know, Grandpa," she said, "God's doing a lot better job lately." 

# New Hearing Aid

John: I got this great new hearing aid the other day.

Mary: Are you wearing it now?

John: Yup. Cost me four thousand dollars, though. But it's top of the line.

Mary: What kind is it?

John: Twelve-thirty.

# Valuable Information

Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!

# Lost in the Park

A police car pulls up in front of grandma Bessie's house, and grandpa Morris gets out.

The polite policeman explained that this elderly gentleman said that he was lost in the park and couldn't find his way home.

"Oh Morris," said grandma, "You've been going to that park for over 30 years! So how could you get lost?"

Leaning close to grandma, so that the policeman couldn't hear, Morris whispered, "Lost I wasn't... I was just too tired to walk home."

# Sharing a Meal

A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at Burger King. He notices that they ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries. One for him, one for her, until each had half of them. Then he poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup, and set it in front of his wife. The old man began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap.

The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn't have to split theirs.

The old gentleman said, "Oh, no. We've been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50."

The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied, "Not yet. It's his turn to use the teeth."

# Bragging Vets

Two old army vets were boasting to each other about their old units.

"Why, my outfit was so well drilled," declared one, "that when they presented arms all you could hear was slap, slap, click."

"Very good," conceded the other, "but when my company presented arms you'd just hear slap, slap, click, jingle."

"What was the jingle?" asked the first. "Oh," replied the other offhand, "just our medals."

# Dangerous City Streets

A elderly farmer retires, sells his farm and moves to the city. As he is walking a few blocks from his new apartment a car pulls to the side of the street and two young guys jump out and beat him up. A patrol car is cruising the neighborhood and sees him injured on the sidewalk and asks him what happened

"I was just walking down the street minding my own business when two young guys jumped out of a car and beat me up - I don't understand, says the old farmer.

"Well you have a red shirt on, so I'll bet it was the Crips," says the cop, "You shouldn't wear red here in the city."

The next day the cop finds the same old farmer on the sidewalk a few blocks away and he again has been beat up.

"It was the same thing all over again. only these young guys were not the same as the one's who beat me up yesterday, and I am not wearing any red," bemoans the farmer.

"Well today you have a blue shirt on and it was probably the Bloods who beat you up. You can't wear blue in the city either," says the cop.

The next day the cop drives through the same neighborhood and finds the old farmer once more lying beside the street and apparently beat up again.

Before the cop can say a word the old farmer says, "What kind of a city do you have here? I didn't wear red, I didn't wear blue and I still got beat up for no reason at all."

The cop looked at the old farmer, who was wearing a yellow knit sport shirt with plaid pants, and asked him what happened this time.

"Well this time a golf cart pulled up two elderly golfers jumped out and started beating me up with five irons."

# Comfortable Dentures

Harry is at a banquet and keeps complaining that his new false teeth are hurting him. The guy sitting to his left reaches into his pocket and pulls out a set of dentures. He hands them to Harry and says, "Try these."

Harry tries them, and says, "Thanks anyway, but they're too tight."

The guy pulls out another set and hands them to Harry. They fit perfectly, so Harry wears them for the entire night.

At the end of the banquet, Harry hands them back to the guy and says, "They fit me perfectly. Are you a dentist?"

The guy says, "No, I'm an undertaker."

# Elderly Neighbor

Worried because they hadn't heard anything for days from in the neighboring apartment, Mrs. Silver said to her son, "Timmy, would you go next door and see how old Mrs. Goldberg is?"

A few minutes later, Timmy returned.

"Well," asked Mrs. Silver, "is she all right?"

"She's fine, except that now shes angry with you."

"At me?" the woman exclaimed. "Whatever for?"

She said, "It's none of your business how old she is."

# Diet Supplement

A man once counseled his son that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his Cornflakes every morning.

The son did this religiously, and he lived to the age of 93.

When he died, he left 14 children, 28 grand-children, 35 great-grand children, and a 15 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

# Expensive Movie

For the first time in many years, an old man traveled from his rural county to the city to attend a movie.

After buying his $7.50 ticket, he stopped at the concession stand to purchase some popcorn. Handing the attendant $1.50, he couldn't help but comment, "You know, the last time I came to the movies, the ticket was only 15 cents and the popcorn was only 5 cents."

"Well, sir," the attendant replied with a grin, "You're really going to enjoy yourself tonight! We have sound now."

# Fountain of Youth

An middle aged man walks into a drug store and asks the pharmacist if he has anything to keep you from showing the signs of ageing. The pharmacist pulls out a small bottle from under the counter and says, "This is a litle expensive but it is very effective. I take it myself and so do all the other employees in the store."

"This sounds like one of those new fad medicine which never really work and are off the market in a couple of years," says the customer.

"Not this one," says the Pharmacist, "I've sold this one for over sixty years."

Still dubious, the fellow takes the bottle to the cashier, a really stunning young blonde. As he was paying, he asked, "Has your boss really been selling this stuff for sixty years? He looks to be a lot younger than I am."

"Can't really say, sir," replied the blonde. "I've only been with him for about forty five years now."

# Something in Your Ear

Two elderly men were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning.

Ed noticed something funny about Joe's ear. He said, "Joe did you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?"

"I have!? A suppository?"

He pulled it out and stared at it. Then he said, "Ed, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is."

# Embarrassing Question

Two old ladies have played bridge together for years, many decades. Naturally they have gotten to know each other pretty well. One day, during a game, one lady suddenly looks up at the other and says, "Now, dear, I know that we've known each other for many years, but please don't be angry or upset by this--could you please tell me your name? I'm trying to remember, but I just can't bring it to mind."

The other lady glares at her for a full three minutes, and then replies, "How soon do you need to know?"

# Senior Marriage Proposal

An elderly widow and widower were dating for about five years. The man finally decided to ask her to marry. She immediately said "yes".

The next morning when he awoke, he couldn't remember what her answer was! "Was she happy? I think so, wait, no, she looked at me funny..." After about an hour of trying to remember to no avail he got on the telephone and gave her a call. Embarrassed, he admitted that he didn't remember her answer to the marriage proposal.

"Oh", she said, "I'm so glad you called. I remembered saying 'yes' to someone, but I couldn't remember who it was."

# Diplomatic Analogy

After marrying a sweet young woman, a 90-year-old geezer told his doctor that they were expecting a baby.

"Let me tell you a story," said the doctor. "An absent-minded fellow went hunting, but instead of a gun, he picked up an umbrella. Suddenly a bear charged him. Pointing his umbrella at the bear, he shot and killed it on the spot."

"Impossible!" the geezer exclaimed. "Somebody else must have shot that bear."

"Exactly," replied the doctor.

# Simple Mental Quiz

Three old men are at the doctor for a memory test. The doctor says to the first old man, "What is three times three?"

"274" was his reply.

The doctor worriedly says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?"

"Tuesday" replies the second man.

The doctor sadly says to the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three"?

"Nine" says the third man.

"That's great!" exclaims the doctor. "How did you get that"?

"Jeez, Doc, it's pretty simple," says the third man. "I just subtracted 274 from Tuesday."

# An Expensive Funeral

An elderly spinster called the lawyer's office and told the receptionist she wanted to see the lawyer about having a will prepared.

The receptionist suggested they set up an appointment for a convenient time for the spinster to come into the office. The woman replied, "You must understand, I've lived alone all my life, I rarely see anyone, and I don't like to go out. Would it be possible for the lawyer to come to my house?"

The receptionist checked with the attorney who agreed and he went to the spinster's home for the meeting to discuss her estate and the will.

The lawyer's first question was, "Would you please tell me what you have in assets and how you'd like them to be distributed under your will?"

She replied, "Besides the furniture and accessories you see here, I have $40,000 in my savings account at the bank."

"Tell me," the lawyer asked, "how would you like the $40,000 to be distributed?"

The spinster said, "Well, as I've told you, I've lived a reclusive life, people have hardly ever noticed me, so I'd like them to notice when I pass on. I'd like to provide $35,000 for my funeral."

The lawyer remarked, "Well, for $35,000 you will be able to have a funeral that will certainly be noticed and will leave a lasting impression on anyone who may not have taken much note of you! But tell me," he continued, what would you like to do with the remaining $5,000?"

The spinster replied, "As you know, I've never married, I've lived alone almost my entire life, and in fact I've never slept with a man.

I'd like you to use the $5,000 to arrange for a man to sleep with me."

"This is a very unusual request," the lawyer said, adding, "but I'll see what I can do to arrange it and get back to you."

That evening, the lawyer was at home telling his wife about the eccentric spinster and her weird request. After thinking about how much she could do around the house with $5,000, and with a bit of coaxing, she got her husband to agree to provide the service himself.

She said, "I'll drive you over tomorrow morning, and wait in the car until you're finished."

The next morning, she drove him to the spinster's house and waited while he went into the house. She waited for over an hour, but her husband didn't come out. So she blew the car horn.

Shortly, the upstairs bedroom window opened, the lawyer stuck his head out and yelled, "Pick me up tomorrow, she's going to let the County bury her!"

# The Old Gunfighter

In the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the greatest gunfighter in the world. He practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn't yet first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong. Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man seated at the bar who had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West in his day. The young cowboy took a seat next to the old-timer, bought him a drink, and told him the story of his great ambition.

"Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked.

The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a lil' lower down on your leg."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.

"Sure will," said the old-timer.

The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his .44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player. "That's terrific!" said the cowboy. "Got any more tips for me?"

"Yep," said the old man. "Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the younger man.

"You bet it will," said the old-timer.

The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, then shot a cufflink off the piano player. "Wow!" said the cowboy. "I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?"

The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it."

The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.

"No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.

"No," said the old-timer, "but when Wyatt Earp gets done playin' the piano, he's going to shove that gun up your ass and it won't hurt as much."

# Vulgar Parrot *

An elderly woman was looking for a pet to be a good companion and not much trouble.

The pet store owner suggested a parrot, showed it to her and guaranteed her it would be a wonderful companion.

The woman asked if it would behave if she took it to church with her on Sundays.

The owner said it shouldn't be a problem and that she could put him on her shoulder and he would stay there.

She bought the parrot and for the next week spent time getting to know him.

Assured that he spoke properly and was well behaved, she put him on her shoulder and went off to church.

Just as everyone quieted down and the sermon began, the parrot looked around, squawked and said, "It's goddamned cold in here!"

Everyone turned to look at her and she ran out of the church in total embarrassment! All the next week, she talked to the parrot explaining the necessity to remain quiet during church.

The parrot understood so she put him on her shoulder and went to church the following Sunday.

Once again, just as everything got quiet and the sermon began,the parrot squawked, looked around and loudly proclaimed, "It's goddamned cold in here!!"

And again the woman ran from the church. The next day she returned to the pet store and explained the embarrassing situation to the owner.

Since she didn't want to get rid of the parrot, the owner offered the following solution:

If the parrot does that again, grab him by the legs and swing him around 5 or 6 times and return him to your shoulder." "That'll work?" asked the woman. "Guaranteed!" exclaimed the owner.

So, the next Sunday she took the parrot to church and, sure enough, just as the sermon started, the parrot squawked, "It's goddamned cold in here!!" Without any hesitation, the woman grabbed his legs, swung him around 5 or 6 times and placed him back on her shoulder.

The parrot shook his head, ruffled his feathers and said, "Pretty fuckin' windy, too!"

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Goodbye Old Friends **

There is an elderly, blind Russian man in a mental hospital that thinks he will die. So he asks the beautiful nurse to accomplish his last wish.

"Nurse," he says, "I want to kiss the head of Nikita Krustchov."

"Nikita Krustchov? But he is dead for a long time," says the nurse.

"I don't care. I want to kiss his head," the man says. "This is my last wish!"

The nurse doesn't know what to do. Then she thinks of something. Since the old man is blind, the nurse takes out of her bra her beautiful breast and offers it to the man. He holds it, caresses it, and is very moved.

"Oh my dear Nikita, my old friend! How happy I am to see you again!" he says.

He keeps kissing the breast. The nurse begins enjoying the whole situation.

"What about kissing president Eisenhower's head?" she asks.

"Yes! Is he here too?" the man asks.

"Of course he is here," she says, and offers him her other breast.

"Oh my dear president, how happy I am to see you here," says the man kissing Eisenhower again and again.

The nurse likes all that very much, so she asks the man again, "What about Fidel Castro?"

_** Risque_

# Making Your Prayers Count

Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents the week before Christmas. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs.

"I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE..... I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO..... I PRAY FOR A NEW VCR..."

His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf."

To which the little brother replied, "No, but Grandma is!"

# Expensive Perfumes

An old woman is riding in an elevator in a very lavish New York City building when a young, beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling of expensive perfume. She turns to the old woman and says arrogantly, "Romance" by Ralph Lauren, $150 an ounce!"

Then another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator, and also very arrogantly turns to the old woman saying, "Chanel No. 5, $200 an ounce!"

About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, then bends over and farts and says, "Broccoli - 49 cents a pound.

# The Dress of Love

An old woman went to visit her daughter and she found her naked, waiting for her husband.

The mother asks the daughter: "what are you doing naked?" The daughter responds:"This is the dress of love."

When the mother returns home, She strips naked and waits for her husband.

When her husband arrives, he asks her: "what are you doing naked, woman?"

She responds: "This is the dress of love."

And he said to her: "Well, go iron it."

# Elderly Wedding

Jacob age 85, and Rebecca age 79 are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way go past a drugstore. Jacob suggests that they go in. He addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?" The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

Jacob: "Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds."

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "How about Viagra?"

Pharmacist: "Of course."

Jacob: "Medicine for memory?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety."

Jacob: "What about vitamins and sleeping pills?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jacob: "Perfect! We'd like to register here for our wedding gifts."

# Nudist Colony Signals *

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Sir, did you call for me?" The man replies, "No, what do you mean?" She says, "You must be new here, let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection it implies you called for me." Smiling she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

The man continued to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and as he sat down he farted. Within a few minutes a huge, horrible, corpulent, hairy man lumbers out of the steam toward him. "Did you call for me?" says the hairy man. "No, what do you mean?" says the newcomer. "You must be new here," says the hairy man, "it is a rule here that if you fart it implies that you called for me." The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.

The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist. "May I help you?" she says. The man yells, "Here is my membership card, you can have the key back, and you can keep the $500 membership fee." "But sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours, you haven't even had the chance to see all our facilities." The man replies, "Listen lady, I'm 58 years old, I get a hard-on once a month, but I fart 15 times a day!"

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Walking the Patient

An old fellow came into the hospital truly on death's door due to an infected gallbladder. The surgeon who removed the gallbladder was adamant that his patients be up and walking in the hall the day after surgery, to help prevent blood clots forming in the leg veins. The nurses walked the patient in the hall as ordered, and after the third day the nurse told how he complained bitterly each time they did. The surgeon told them to keep walking him.

After a week, the patient was ready to go. His family came to pick him up and thanked the surgeon profusely for what he had done for their father. The surgeon was pleased and appreciated the thanks, but told them that it was really a simple operation and we had been lucky to get him in time. "But doctor, you don't understand," they said, "Dad hasn't walked in over a year!" 

# A Disgraceful Sight

The little old lady called the police station and indicated that she wanted to report a neighbor for incecient exposure. When the officer arrived to investigate the situation , the little old lady met him at the door. "I have never been so insulted in my life," related the little old lady in disgust, " the neighbor accross the way is running around without any clothes on, and I think it is a disgrace."

"Just where exactly is this man?" asks the officer.

"Accross the way there," says the little old lady pointing at a window in the appartment building. "the third window from the right."

"ma'am," says the officer, "I cant arrest him for not having any clothes on in his own appartment."

"But I should not be forced to look at such a sight when I look out of my window", says the little old lady.

"I don't see anything," says the officer, looking out of the ladies living room window.

"Not there," says the little old lady, "look out the bathrrom window."

The officer goes into the bathroom, looks out the window and says: "ma'am I still don't see anything."

"Well," says the little old lady, "now hold on to the shower curtain rod and stand on the edge of the tub on your tip toes."

# Healthy Family

A 60-year-old man went to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor told him, "You're in terrific shape. There's nothing wrong with you. Why, you might live forever. You have the body of a 35 year old. By the way, how old was your father when he died?"

The 60 year old responded, "Who said he was dead?"

The doctor was surprised and asked, "How old is he and is he very active?"

The 60 year old responded, "Well, he is 82 years old and he still goes skiing three times a season and surfing three times a week during the summer."

The doctor couldn't believe it. "Well, how old was your grandfather when he died?"

The 60 year old responded again, "Who said he was dead?"

The doctor was astonished. He said, "You mean to tell me you are 60 years old and both your father and your grandfather are alive? Is your grandfather very active?"

The 60 year old said, "He goes skiing at least once a season and surfing once a week during the summer. Not only that," said the patient, "my grandfather is 106 years old, and next week he is getting married again."

The doctor said, "At 106 years old, why on earth would your grandfather want to get married?"

His patient looked up at the doctor and said, "Who said he wanted to?"

# The Aging Process

Three old men were discussing aging on the steps of the nursing home.

"Sixty is the worst age to be," announced the 60 year old. "You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"

"Ah, that's nothing," said the 70 year old. "When you're 70, you can't take a crap anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran - you sit on the toilet all day and nothing comes out !"

"Actually," said the eighty year old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."

"Do you have trouble peeing too?", asked the sixty year old.

"No ... not really. I pee every morning at 6AM. I pee like a race horse - no problem at all."

"Do you have trouble taking a crap?", asked the 70 year old.

"No, not really. I have a great bowel movement every morning at 6:30."

With great exasperation, the 60 year old said, "Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at six o'clock and take a crap every morning at six thirty. What's so tough about being eighty?"

To which the eighty year old replied - "I don't wake up until ten!"

# Four Old Golfers

A foursome of senior golfers hit the course with waning enthusiasm for the sport.

"These hills are getting steeper as the years go by," one complained.

"These fairways seem to be getting longer too," said one of the others.

"The sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember them too," said the third senior.

After hearing enough from his Senior buddies, the oldest, and the wisest of the four of them at 87 years old, piped up and said... "Quit your dang complaining and just be thankful we're still on the top side of the grass!"

# The Old Groom

At 85 years of age, a somewhat senile Morris marries Luanne, a lovely 25-year-old.

Because her new husband is so old, Luanne decides that on their wedding night, she and Morris should have separate bedrooms. The newlywed is concerned that her new husband may over exert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities, Luanne prepares herself for bed, and for the expected "knock" on the door.

Sure enough, the knock comes, the door opens, and there is her 85-year-old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, whereupon Morris takes leave of Luanne, and she prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, Luanne hears another knock on her bedroom door.

It's Morris! And he's again ready for more action. Somewhat surprised, Luanne consents to further coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Morris kisses Luanne, bids her a fond good night, and leaves. Luanne is set to go to sleep again.

However, after a few short minutes, there is another knock at her door, andthere he is again... Morris, as fresh as a 25-year-old and ready for a bit more action. And again they enjoy one another.

As Morris is once again set to leave, the young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age, honey, you have enough juice to go at it three times. I've been with guys less than a third your age who were only good once. You're a great lover, Morris!"

Morris, looking somewhat befuddled, turns to Luanne and says... "WHAT?...You mean I was here already?!"

# Old Couple and the Cop

An elderly couple were driving across the country. The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol.

The officer said, "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?"

The woman, hard of hearing, turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"

The old man yells, "He says you were speeding!"

The patrolman says, "May I see your license?"

The woman turns to her husband and asks again, "What did he say?"

The old man yells, "He wants to see your license!"

The woman gave the officer her license.

The patrolman says, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen."

The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"

And the old man yells, "He said he knows you!"

# Belated Divorce

Ninety-four-year-old Mrs. Hatcher showed up at her lawyer's office one Monday morning. "I want you to begin divorce proceedings," she announced.

The lawyer was aghast. When he regained his composure, he said, "Mrs. Hatcher, you and your husband have been married for over seventy years. What in the world could have happened to make you want to get divorced at this stage in your life?"

Mrs. Hatcher looked him squarely in the eye. She cleared her throat and said, "We wanted to wait until all the children were dead."

# Plenty of Time

My phone bill was past due and I needed to change my service, so I had to visit the local Bell Atlantic Office. The line wasn't clearly formed, and there was an old man with a cane nearby me.

I wasn't really sure who was next and when we got to the front of the line, the man gestured to me and said, "After you."

I smiled at him and said, "No, please, after you. I have all day."

The he shook his head sadly and repeated, "No, sonny, you go on ahead. My doctor says I have at least six months."

# Elderly Mother

With the help of a fertility specialist, a 65 year old woman has a baby. All her relatives come to visit and meet the newest member of their family.

When they ask to see the baby, the 65 year old mother says "not yet." A little later they ask to see the baby again. Again the mother says "not yet."

Finally they say, "When can we see the baby!?"

And the mother says, "You'll have to wait until the baby cries."

And they ask, "Why do we have to wait until the baby cries?"

The new mother says, "because I forgot where I put it!"

# Old Man on the Bus *

An old man gets on a crowded bus and no one gives him a seat.

As the bus shakes and rattles, the old man's cane slips on the floor and he falls down.

As he gets up, a seven-year-old kid, sitting nearby, turns to him and says, "If you put a little rubber thingy on the end of your stick, it wouldn't slip."

The old man snaps back, "Well, if your daddy did the same thing seven years ago, I would have a seat today!"

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Senior Citizen Bus Tour *

On a senior citizen bus tour, the driver was surprised. While the passengers were unloading to do some sightseeing, one elderly lady stopped and whispered in his ear, "Driver, I believe that I was sexually harassed!"

The driver didn't think much of this complaint, but promised he would check into it soon.

Later, that very same day, as the passengers were unloading again, a second little old lady bent down and whispered in his ear, "Sir, I believe I was sexually harassed!"

This time, he knew it had to be taken care of soon.

A few passengers had remained on the bus, and he decided to go back and question them, to see if they had any knowledge of what was going on. He found one little old man crawling along the bus floor underneath the seats and stooped down to question him.

"Excuse me, sir, can I help you?"

The elderly man looked up and said, "Well, sonny, you sure can. My eyesight is almost gone. I've lost my toupee and I'm trying to find it. I thought I'd found it twice, but they were both parted in the middle...and mine's parted on the side!"

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Sheer Lingerie

A man goes to Frederick's of Hollywood. He wants to buy his wife the most sheer lingerie he can find. The woman behind the counter goes and gets an outfit.

"This is $200," she says.

"I want one that's more sheer," says he.

"This one is $350."

"I want it even more sheer than that."

"This one is the most sheer that we have. It's $500."

"I'll take it!"

The man goes home to his wife and shows it to her, saying, "Go put this on and come down to model it for me."

His wife goes upstairs, opens the box and thinks, "This thing is so see through that the old coot won't even notice if I'm wearing it or not."

So his wife comes down, wearing nothing at all and strikes a pose.

"So, how do you like it?" she says.

"Damn, you'd think for $500, they'd at least iron the damn thing!"

# Grandma's Advise *

There was this virgin that was going out on a date for the first time and she told her grandmother about it.

So, the grandmother says sit here and let me tell you about those young boys. He is going to try to kiss you, you are going to like that but, don't let him do that.

He is going to try to feel your breast, you are going to like that but, don't let him do that.

He is going to try to put his hand between your legs , you are going to like that but, don't let him do that.

But most important, he is going to try to get on top of you and have his way with you. You are going to like that but, don't let him do that, it will disgrace the family.

With that bit of advise, the granddaughter went on her date and could not wait to tell her grandmother about it. So, the next day she told her grandmother that her date went just like she said.

But she said "grandmother I didn't let him disgrace the family.

When he tried I turned over, got on top of him and disgraced his family!"

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Adjustable Face Lift

This women of sixty, being a rather vain person, decided she needed a face lift. With her pocketbook as large as her ego, she went to several plastic surgeons before choosing the best money could buy.

The doctor assured her that he could make her look young for many years because of a new technique he used.

After the operation the doc told her that he had put a screw behind each ear that she could tighten as needed to keep her fresh young look.

The woman was pleased for several years until one morning when she noticed bags under her eyes. Furiously she stormed into the doctor's office demanding to know why there where bags under her eyes.

The doctor replied, "Lady those aren't bags, they're your tits, and if you don't stop turning those screws you're going to have a beard!"

# Social Security *

A man came home from the Social Security Office. 'Honey,' he said to his wife, 'I finally convinced them that I'm old enough to collect Social Security.'

'How?' his wife asked. 'Since the department of records in the small town you were born in was flooded, you can't get a copy of your birth certificate.'

'I know,' the man replied, 'I just unbuttoned my shirt and showed them all the gray hairs on my chest. That convinced them that I'm old enough.'

His wife retorted, 'Then while you were at it, why didn't you whip out your dick and get disability, too?!'

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Elderly Virgin *

There is an 80 year old virgin who suddenly gets an itch in her crotch area. She goes to the doctor who checks her out and tells her she has crabs. She explained that she couldn't have crabs because she was a virgin, but the doctor didn't believe her, so she went to get a second opinion.

The second doctor gave her the same answer. So she went to a third doctor and said "Please help me. This itch is killing me and I know that I don't have crabs because I'm a virgin".

The doctor checks her out and says "I have good news and bad news. The good news is you don't have crabs, the bad news is that your cherry rotted and you have fruit flies."

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# What Does That Mean **

An old man of 70 married a young girl of 18. When they got into bed the night after the wedding, he held up three fingers.

"Oh honey," said the young nymph, "Does that mean we're going to do it three times?"

"No," said the old man, "it means you can take your pick."

_** Risque_

# Saving it Up

This old geezer of 78 marries a girl of 18. The morning after the wedding night, the girl comes down with a pained expression on her face.

"What's the matter, dear?" asks the woman at the front desk.

"Well," sniffed the girl, "He told me he'd been saving up for 60 years, and I thought he meant his money!"

# Almost Every Night

A 70-year-old man has never been married. One day, he meets a beautiful 17-year-old girl, and it is love at first sight. They get married and go to Florida for their honeymoon.

When they get back, his friend says to him, "So, tell me, how was it?"

"Oh, it was beautiful," says the man. "The sun, the surf, we made love almost every night, we -"

His friend interrupts him. "A man your age! How did you make love almost every night?"

"Oh," says the man, "we almost made love Monday, we almost made love Tuesday..."

# Wrinkle Removal

An old man of 87 went to the hospital to get a radical new surgical procedure done where they stretch the skin and pull all the wrinkles up onto the top of the scalp making you appear years younger.

On his way out of the hospital, he met an old friend who didn't recognize him at first. "Rob, is that really you?" said the friend. "You look years younger. I didn't know you had a dimple in your chin."

"It's not a dimple, it's my belly button" said the old man and his friend laughed.

"If you think that's funny, take a look at what I'm wearing for a tie!"

# Sex Exercise Therapy *

An older couple were having trouble with their sex life, so the wife went to a sex therapist and was advised to try sexercises. He gave the wife a list of them to do each day.

Later that night as the couple were getting ready for bed, the husband went to take a shower and the wife thought she'd try out her sexercises. She got undressed and rolled back on her shoulders and placed her feet on the headboard.

About that time, her husband came out of the bathroom and looked over at the bed and said, "For god's sake, Mavis, comb your hair and put your teeth back in. You look just like your mother!"

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Birth Control Pills

An elderly woman went into the doctor's office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth control pills."

Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you're 75 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?"

The woman responded, "They help me sleep better."

The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?"

The woman said, "I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice and I sleep better at night!"

# Sex Drive Adjustment

An extremely old man visits his doctor and tells him, "I need my sex drive lowered."

The doctor, incredulous, says, "What? You want your sex drive lowered?"

To which the old man replies, "It's all in my head; I need it lower!"

# Take in a Boarder

There was this eighty-year-old man who was seeing the doctor for a checkup. The doctor asked why he needed the checkup. The man was getting married next month to a girl 60 years his junior. The doctor tried to talk him out of the marriage, and it didn't work.

However, the doctor suggested, "If you want your marriage to last, I say you at least take in a boarder."

The old man agreed.

The old man didn't see the doctor until they met at a fund-raiser a year later.

The old man says, "Doc, congratulate me, my wife is pregnant."

"That's good news," said the doctor. "I knew the boarder would help."

"Oh," said the old man with a wicked grin, "and the boarder's pregnant as well."

# Nursing Home Quickie **

There's this old man in a nursing home and he's hornier than hell. So he sees this cute nurse and says, "How about a quickie for twenty bucks?"

She agrees and gets on top of him. They go at it for about ten minutes. After the act, the old man says, "You know, if I knew you were a virgin, I would have paid you a hundred bucks."

In reply, the nurse says, "If I knew you could get it up that high, I would have taken off my pantyhose!"

_** Risque_

# Visiting Her Grave

An old man and old woman had been married for about 52 years when one day the old woman died. The entire family showed up to the funeral.

Every day after the funeral the old man would show up at the grave with his dog and spend a few minutes out there. About two months later a priest saw the old man out there with his dog and decided to go talk to the old man.

"Hello there. You know, we see you come out here every day to visit your wife's grave and we just think that so sweet. We were all wondering if the dog is something that was special to your wife since you always bring it out here with you."

"No, actually I bring the dog out here to pee on the grave. I'd do it myself, but I'd get arrested for indecent exposure!"

# A Terrible Loss

Two elderly ladies meet at the launderette after not seeing one another for some time. After inquiring about each other's health one asked how the other's husband was doing.

"Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped down dead right there in the middle of the vegetable patch!"

"Oh dear! I'm very sorry." replied her friend "What did you do?"

"Opened a can of peas instead!"

# Guess My Age

A woman decided to have a face lift for her birthday. She spent $5000 and felt really good about the result. On her way home she stopped at a dress shop to look around. As she was leaving, she said to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 35," was the reply.

"I'm actually 47," the woman said, feeling really happy.

After that she went into McDonalds for lunch, and asked the order taker the same question, to which the reply was, "Oh you look about 29?"

"I am actually 47." That made her feel really good.

While standing at the bus stop she asked an old man the same question.

He replied, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a woman's age. If I put my hand up your skirt I will be able to tell your exact age."

As there was no one around, the woman thought, "What the hell", and let him slip his hand up her skirt.

After feeling around for a while, the old man said, "Ok, You are 47."

Stunned the woman said, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?"

The old man replied, "I was behind you in line at McDonalds!"

# Great Cruise *

There was an elderly couple that was on their way for a two week vacation on a carribean cruise. The wife, unfortunately, forgot her hearing aides at home...

Upon arriving to the cabin that was to be theirs during the trip, they noticed that it had 2 bunk beds. So, as they were retiring for the first nite, the husband says to his wife, "Up, or down?". The wife inexplicably removes all her clothing and makes love to her husband all nite long.

The next nite, the husband wonders if he'll get lucky again... So, he says to his wife, "Up, or down?" She again removes all her clothing and makes love to him all nite long.

This continues for two glorious weeks.

When they arrive home from their trip, the wife retrieves her hearing aides. As they retire for the first nite home, the husband decides to try the magic words again... "Up, or down?" His wife says, "What?".

To which he replies, "During the whole trip, my dear, I said those words every nite and you took off all your clothes and made love to me all nite long."

The wife says, "Ooooh, I thought you said 'Fuck, or drown !".

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Drumming Up Business

Minutes before the cremation, the undertaker quietly sat down next to the grieving widow. "How old was your husband?" he asked.

"He was ninety-eight," she answered softly. "Two years older than I am."

"Really?" the undertaker said. "Hardly worth going home, wouldn't you say?"

# One Thing at a Time

An elderly lady goes into the doctor and tells him - "Doctor, I don't know what the problem is, but I've been farting all the time. It's not really a problem socially because they don't make any noise and don't smell. I just can't stop farting all the time. In fact while I've been in here I must have farted at least 20 times."

The doctor nods and gives her some pills. "Here take these for two weeks and come see me again when you are done."

So she takes the pills and returns two weeks later as instructed. Infuriated, she confronted the doctor. "What kind of medicine is this? I'm still farting just as much? They still don't make any noise, but now they stink terribly!"

The doctor nodded, "It's alright, now that we have your sinus' cleared up, we'll work on your hearing next!"

# Old Gynecologist

One woman says to another, "I can't understand why you haven't gone to see that new gynecologist yet! I mean he's so young and handsome! And your gynecologist is so old!"

The other woman replies with a smile, "Yeah, I know. His hands shake all the time!"

# Emergency Medical Call

Shortly after the 911 emergency number became available, an elderly and quite ill blonde appeared in a Rochester hospital emergency room, having driven herself to the hospital and barely managing to stagger in from the parking lot.

The horrified nurse said, "Why didn't you call the 911 number and get the paramedics to respond?"

The lady replied,"My phone doesn't have an eleven!"

# Feed the Cat

One day O'Leary decided to visit his friend Paddy and ask him for a favour.

"Paddy my friend", he said. "I'm going on holiday for a few weeks an I wanted to know if you could come around a couple a times a day to check up on me elderly ma, an feed me cat".

"No problem", replied Paddy. "You go an have a good time".

So the next day O'Leary left and headed for sunny Florida. However, after a week of him being there, he received a phone call from Paddy.

"Everything's ok over here", Paddy said. "Except you're cat. It's dead"!

"oly ell", replied O'Leary. "You could have been a bit more sensitive Paddy"!

"What do you mean?", replied Paddy.

"Well, one day you could have rang me up and told me that my cat has climbed the tree. The next day you could tell me that it has gone even higher up the tree and refuses to come down. On the third day you could tell me that the cat lost its grip and fell from the tree and had to be taken to the vets because of a broken leg. Then on the fourth day you could have told me that it died peacefully in the vet clinic", explained O'Leary.

So paddy apologised and another week went by, when one day O'Leary got another phone call, it was Paddy again.

"All right O'Leary", he said. "Everything's ok here, except your ma - She's climbed the tree and refuses to come down"!

# Dangerous Situation

An old lady noticed that she was about out of gas and pulled her car into the nearest self-service gas station. She forgot to put out the cigarette she was smoking as she began to pump her gas, so she flicked it away.

A spark landed on her hand and the gas nozzle. The old lady's arm caught fire. In a feverish attempt to put out the fire, she waved her arm up and down.

A Police officer was nearby, saw what was happening and fired 3 shots at the woman killing her instantly. Shocked onlookers asked the officer why he shot her. The officer said, "She was waving a firearm."

# Elderly Fire Fighters

One dark night outside a small town, a fire started inside the local chemical plant. Before long it exploded into flames and an alarm went out to fire departments from miles around. After fighting the fire for over an hour, the chemical company president approached the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved! I will give $50,000 to the engine company that brings them out safely!"

As soon as the chief heard this, he ordered the firemen to strengthen their attack on the blaze. After two more hours of attacking the fire, president of the company offered $100,000 to the engine company that could bring out the company's secret files.

From the distance a long siren was heard and another fire truck came into sight. It was a local volunteer fire company composed entirely of men over 65. To everyone's amazement the little fire engine raced through the chemical plant gates and drove straight into the middle of the inferno. In the distance the other firemen watched as the old timers hopped off of their rig and began to fight the fire with an effort that they had never seen before.

After an hour of intense fighting the volunteer company had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas. Joyous the chemical company president announced that he would double the reward to $200,000 and walked over to personally thank each of the volunteers.

After thanking each of the old men individually the president asked the group what they intended to do with the reward money. The fire truck driver looked him right in the eye and said, "The first thing we're going to do is fix the damn brakes on that truck!"

# Be Discreet

Six retired Floridians were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Meyerwitz loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing standing up.

Finkelstein looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna' tell his wife?"

They draw straws. Goldberg picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

"Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me."

Goldberg goes over to the Meyerwitz apartment, knocks on the door. The wife answers and asks what he wants.

Goldberg declares, "Your husband just lost $500 in a poker game, and is afraid to come home."

"Tell him to drop dead!" says the wife.

"I'll go tell him," says Goldberg.

# Eighty Year Old Golfer

An eighty year old man who was an avid golfer moved to a new town and joined the local Country Club. He went to the Club for the first time to play, but was told there wasn't anybody he could play because they were already out on the course. He repeated several times that he really wanted to play.

Finally, the Assistant Pro said he would play with him and asked how many strokes he wanted for a bet. The eighty year old said "I really don't need any strokes as I have been playing quite well. The only real problem I have is getting out of sand traps."

And he did play well. Coming to the par four 18th they were all even.

The pro had a nice drive and was able to get on the green and 2-putt for a par.

The old man had a nice drive, but his approach shot landed in a sand trap next to the green. Playing from the bunker he hit a high ball which landed on the green and rolled into the hole! Birdie, match and all the money!

The Pro walked over to the sand trap where his opponent was still standing in the trap. He said "Nice shot, but I thought you said you have a problem getting out of sand traps?".

"I do," replied the old man. "Please give me a hand."

# Three Old Golfers

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day.

One remarded to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"

"No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday."

And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."

# Hey Crisco

An old woman was wandering around the supermarket calling out, "Crisco, Cri-i-i-ssssssco!"

Soon a store clerk approached and said "Ma'am, the Crisco is in aisle D."

The old lady replied, "Oh, I'm not looking for the cooking stuff, I'm calling my husband."

"Your husband's name is Crisco?" asked the store clerk.

The old woman answered, "oh, no, no, no. I only call him that when we're out in public."

"Well, what do you call him when you're at home?"

"Lard Ass," responded the old woman.

# The Afterlife

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife.

After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word, he made contact, "Mary . . . Mary .. . ."

"Is that you, Fred?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast, off to the golf course, I have sex. I bathe in the sun, then I have sex twice.

I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex

pretty much all afternoon. After supper, golf course again. then have sex until late at night. The next day it starts again."

"Oh, Fred you surely must be in heaven."

"Not exactly, I'm a rabbit on a golf course in Arizona."

# How Many Riders?

After a round of golf, four elderly ladies sat around the club house chatting.Seeing the ladies, the Pro approached them and asked: "How did your game go?"

The first said she had a good round...making the comment that she actually had 25 riders.

The Pro was a bit perplexed not knowing what a "Rider" was.

The second lady then quickly chimed in and said that she had a very good round as well with 16 riders.

The third lady then said that her round was average and that she only had 10 riders.

The fourth lady admitted that she played the worst round of the day and that she only had 2 riders all day long.

The Pro was completely confused not knowing what the term "rider" meant. But, because he didn't want to look dumb, he made a quick polite remark, wished the ladies well and then left.

He then approached the bartender and asked "Hey, can you tell me what these ladies are talking about when they refer to "riders"?"

The bar tender simply smiled and say... "a "rider" is when you hit a shot long enough to take a ride in the golf cart."

# A Point of Clarification

An elderly couple had been dating for some time. Finally they decided it might be time for marriage. But before tying the knot, they went out for a heart to heart talk over dinner about whether it would really work out.

They discussed finances, living arrangements, snoring, and so on. Finally, the gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. "How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather trustingly.

"Well," she said, responding very carefully, "I'd have to say that I would like it infrequently."

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, Then looking over his glasses, he casually asked, "Was that one word or two?"

# I've Lost My Grandpa

An elderly man was at the Mall with his five year old grandson. While the grandfather was looking at some books, in one of the mall's bookstores, the child wandered off and they got separated.

Noticing that his grandson was gone the grandfather headed for the toy store, they had past shortly before, and where he thought the young lad would likely be headed. Unfortionately, the grandson had gone in the opposite direction.

When the grandson returned to the bookstore and his grandfather was gone he starting to get worried. The grandson then approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my grandpa!"

The cop asked, "What's he like?"

The little boy replied, "Beer and women with big boobs !!"

# Take Every Four Hours

A pharmacist is going over the directions on a prescription bottle with an elderly patient.

"Be sure not to take this more often than every four hours," the pharmacist says.

"Don't worry," replies the patient. "It takes me at least four hours to get the damn child proof lid off".

# Old Veterans Claim

A group of World War II veterans have recently filed a class action suit in Federal District Court in the Rio Grande Valley of Texas, asking to be compensated by the United States Army for causing bodily harm to their persons when the cooks and mess sergeants were ordered to put saltpeter in their coffee.

The veterans claim it is now beginning to affect their sex lives.

# Fresh Meat

Elderly woman meets elderly gentleman on the street.

Her: Aren't you Ed Filby? I haven't seen you in thirty-years.

Him: That's me.

Her: You look pretty good - but a little pale. Where you been?

Him: Been in jail actually.

Her: Really! What did you do?

Him: Well, I killed my wife. I chopped her up in little pieces and put her in the garbage disposal.

Her: Oh!... so you're not married!

# Gave Up Bowling for Sex

Bill ran into his friend George on the street. "I haven't seen you for quite a while," says Bill, "you used to come down to the bowling alley two or three times a week. All the guys down at the lanes have been asking about you."

"Ya," says George, "I should stop by and see you guys and explain that since I'm getting along in years I've decided to give up bowling for sex."

"Why did you give up bowling for sex? Asks Bill.

"Well," says George, "the balls are lighter and you don't have to change your shoes."

# Shock Therapy

A woman went to the doctor's office where she was seen by one of the younger doctors. After about four minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall.

An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was and she told him her story. After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.

The older doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the young doctor was writing on his clipboard. "What's the matter with you?" the older doctor demanded. "Mrs. Reid is 62 years old, has four grown children and seven grandchildren-- and you told her she was pregnant?"

The younger doctor continued writing and without looking up said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"

# Cloudy Urine Sample

Harold was a grumpy old man. He was sick and in the hospital, so he was even more cantankerous than usual. There was one perky, young nurse that just drove him crazy. "And how are we doing this, morning, or are we ready for a bath, or are we hungry?" Old Harold had had enough of this particular nurse.

One day, after Old Harold had breakfast, he pulled the juice off the tray, and put it on his bed side stand. He had been given a urine bottle to fill for testing. The juice was apple juice. So . . . you know where the juice went.

The nurse came in a little later, picked up the urine bottle and looked at it. "My, but it seems we are a little cloudy today...."

At this , Old Harold snatched the urine sample bottle out of her hand, popped off the top, and drank it down, saying, "Well, I'll run it through again. Maybe, I can filter it better this time!"

The nurse fainted . . . Old Harold just smiled from ear to ear .

# Old Man at the Beach

An old man was on the beach and walked up to a beautiful girl in a bikini - "I want to feel your breasts" he exclaimed.

"Get away from me, you crazy old man" she replied.

"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you twenty dollars," he says.

"Twenty dollars, are you nuts!? Get away from me!"

"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS" he stated.

"NO! Get away from me!"

"TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS" he offered.

She paused to think about it, but then comes to her senses and said, "I said NO!"

"FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS if you let me feel your breasts," he claimed.

She thought, well he is old, and he seems harmless enough...and $500 IS a lot of money.... "Well, OK...but only for a minute."

She loosened her bikini top and while both are standing there on the beach, he slid his hands underneath and began to feel... then he started saying, "OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD..." while he was caressing them.

Out of curiosity, she asked him, "Why do you keep saying, 'Oh my god, oh my god'?"

While continuing to feel her breasts he answered, "OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD, where am I ever going to get five hundred dollars?

# The Physical Exam

An attractive young girl, chaperoned by an ugly old lady, entered the doctor's office.

"We have come for an examination," said the young girl.

"All right," said the doctor. "Go behind that curtain and take your clothes off."

"No, not me," said the girl. "it's my old aunt here."

"Very well," said the doctor. "Madam, stick out your tongue."

# A Matter of Perspective

When a grandmother was in her late eighties, she decided to move to Israel.

As part of her preparations, she went to see her doctor to get all of her charts. The doctor asked her how she was doing, so she gave him a litany of complaints -- this hurts, that's stiff, I'm tired and slower, etc.

He responded, "Mrs. Siegel, you have to expect things to start deteriorating. After all, who wants to live to 100?"

The grandmother looked him straight in the eye and replied, "Anyone who's 99."

# For Old Times Sake **

An old couple are taking a trip down memory lane by going back to the place where they first met.

Sitting at a café, the little old man says, "Remember the first time I met you over 50 years ago? We left this cafe, went round the corner behind the gas works, and I gave you one from behind."

"Why, yes, I remember it well, dear," replies the little old lady with a grin.

"Well, for old time's sake, let's go there again. and I'll give you one from behind."

The old couple pay their bill and leave the cafe. A young man sitting next to them has overheard the conversation and smiles to himself, thinking it would be quite amusing to see two old folks at it. He gets up and follows them. Sure enough, he sees the old couple near the gas works. The little old lady pulls off her knickers and lifts up her dress.

The old man pulls down his pants and grabs the lady's hips, and the little old lady reaches for the fence. Well, what follows is 40 minutes of the most athletic sex the man has ever seen. The little old man is banging away at the little old woman at a pace that can only be described as phenomenal. Limbs are flying everywhere, the movement is a blur, and they do not stop for a single second. Finally, they collapse and don't move for an hour.

Well, the young man is stunned. Never in his life has he ever seen anything that equates to this -- not in the movies, not from his friends, not from his own experiences.

Reflecting on what he has just seen, he says to himself, "I have to know his secret. If only I could shag like that now, let alone in 50 years' time!"

The old couple have by this time recovered and dressed themselves. Plucking up courage, the man approaches the old man.

He says, "Sir, in all my life I have never seen anybody shag like that, particularly at your age. What's your secret? Could you shag like that 50 years ago?"

The old man replies, "Son, 50 years ago, that fucking fence wasn't electrified."

_** Risque_

# Cows and Aliens

Two old rednecks named Chet and Clyde are sitting in their rockers on the porch of a retirement home in Southern Louisana. Chet looks up from his newspaper and says: "I find it absolutely amazing that the U.S. government can track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington, and determine exactly what that cow ate. They can also track her calves right to their stalls and tell you what kind of feed they ate."

"Then why." says Clyde, "are they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around in the country, including people who are trying to blow up important structures?"

"Well," says Chet, "maybe they should give every illegal alien a cow as soon as they enter the country."

# It's Just Not Fair **

Here is this guy who really takes care of his body; he lifts weights and jogs five miles every day.

One morning, he looks into the mirror and admires his body. He notices that he is really sun tanned all over except one part and he decides to do something about it.

He goes to the beach, completely undresses and buries himself in the sand except for the one part sticking out.

Two little old ladies are strolling along the beach and one looks down and says, "There really is no justice in this world."

The other little old lady says, "What do you mean?"

The first little old lady says, "Look at that."

"When I was 10 years old, I was afraid of it."

"When I was 20 years old, I was curious about it."

"When I was 30 years old, I enjoyed it."

"When I was 40 years old, I asked for it."

"When I was 50 years old, I paid for it."

"When I was 60 years old, I prayed for it."

"When I was 70 years old, I forgot about it."

"And now that I'm 80, the damned things are growing wild!!"

_** Risque_

# A Scrote *

An elderly couple went into a drug store picked up some medications, some shaving items for the man and some hair care products for the woman. When they got to the check out counter they started arguing about whose turn it was to pay.

The clerk was kind of listening until she heard the lady said to the guy, "Stop being a scrote."

With a furrowed brow the clerk asked, "What is a scrote?"

Without missing a beat the lady responded, "Short for scrotum. He is somewhere between a prick and an asshole."

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Church Bells

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"

# Forgive Your Enemies

The preacher's, Sunday sermon was, "Forgive Your Enemies." He asked how many have forgiven their enemies. About half held up their hands. He then repeated his question. Now about 80 percent held up their hands. He then repeated his question. All responded, except one elderly lady.

"Mrs. Henry, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don't have any."

"Mrs. Henry, that is very unusual. How old are you?"

"Ninety-three." she replied.

"Mrs. Henry, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a person

cannot have an enemy in the world?"

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, and said, "I outlived those bitches"

# Down for the Count

A man getting along in years finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things; but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man.

The medicine man says, "I can cure this." With that said, he throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. Then he says, "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123,' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"

The guy then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?"

The medicine man replies: "All you or your partner has to say is 1234, and it will go down. But be warned: It will not work again for another year."

The old gent rushes home, anxious to try out his new powers and prowess. That night he is ready to surprise his wife. He showers, shaves, and puts on his most exotic shaving lotion and cologne. After he gets into bed and is lying next to her, he says, "123;" and suddenly he has the most gigantic stiffie ever, just as the medicine man had promised.

His wife, who had been facing away from him, turns over and asks,"What did you say '123' for?

# Frivolous Old Gal

Bessie and Maude are setting on the porch of the senior center having a cup of tee.Since Maud has been away visiting her children in California she has not seen Bessie for a while and is trying to catch up with her old friend.

Since I saw you last," says Bessie, "there have been quite a few changes in my life. Frankly, I havebecome a frivolous old gal. I am seeing five gentlemen every day."

"Five men," says Maude," I can't believe that."

"Yep," says Bessie, with a smile, "As soon as I wake up, Will Power helps me get out of bed. Then I go to see John. Then Charlie Horse comes along, and when he is here he takes a lot of my time and attention.

When he leaves, Arthur Ritis shows up and stays the rest of the day. He doesn't like to stay in one place very long, so he takes me from joint to joint.After such a busy day, I'm really tired and glad to go to bed with Ben Gay. What a life!

Oh yes, I'm also flirting with Al Zymer."

# At Your Age

Thelma answers the door and is surprised to find the preacher from her church paying her a surprise visit. She invites him into the parlor and gets him a cup of coffee. After he is comfortably seated with his coffee and a couple of cookies, Thelma asks for the reason for his visit.

Well," says the preacher, "at your age you should start thinking about the hereafter."

"Oh I do that all the time." says Thelma.

"You do?" says the preacher.

"Sure," says Thelma, with a smile," no matter where I am, in the parlor, upstairs, in the kitchen, or down in the basement, I ask myself, "Now, what am I here after?"

# Senior Scam

John and Paul are neighboors in a gated, senior golf course community in Southern Arizona. John is watering some plants in his front yard when he notices Paul getting into his car.

"Looks like you are headed into Phoenix," says John.

"Yep," says Paul, "can I pick up anything for you?'

"Nope," says John, "I just wanted to warn you about a scam that is going on in the city. It is mainly being pulled on older men like us."

"What kind of a scam?" says Paul.

"Well," says John, "what happens is that when you stop for a red light a young, nude woman comes up and pretends to be washing your windshield. While she is doing this another person opens your back door and steals anything in the car. They are very good at this. They got me seven times on Friday and five times on Saturday. I wasn't able to find them on Sunday."

# Jewish Nursing Home *

A local Mexican family was considering putting their grandfather in a nursing home. All the Catholic facilities were completely full so they put him in a Jewish home. After a few weeks in the Jewish facility, the family went to visit grandpa.

"Pa-Pa...how do you like it here...?" asked the grandson.

"It's wonderful...! Everyone here is very courteous and respectful,"

"We all are so very happy for you. We were worried that this was not a good place for you....."

Grandpa smiled, then said, "Let me tell you something about the way they treat the residents here....there's an old musician here -- he's 85-years old.....he hasn't played the fiddle in over 20 years and everyone still calls him 'The Maestro'....! There's an old physician here too -- he's 90 years old. He hasn't practiced medicine for over 25 years and everybody still calls him 'Doc'......And for me..., I haven't had sex for over 30 years and they still call me... 'The Fucking Mexican.'"

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Scotch and Water

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, "I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today."

The bartender says "Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me."

As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, "I would like to buy you a drink, too."

The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water."

"Coming up," says the bartender. As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, "I would like to buy you one, too."

The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water."

"Coming right up," the bartender says. As he gives her the drink, he says, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?"

The old woman replies, "Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue."

# A Little Added Spice **

There is this old couple and they have been married for a long time. They hadn't had sex in a while, so the wife goes to Fredrick's of Hollywood and buys some crotchless panties.

That night, she puts them on and goes downstairs. Her husband is sitting in the living room watching sports on TV. She goes and sits in front of him and stikes a sexy pose, but he tries to look aroung her at the TV.

Finally in disperation, she opens her legs and says, "You want some of this?"

The husband thinks for a moment and then replies, "Hell no, look what it did to your underwear."

_** Risque_

# Two Old Guys

Two old guys are pushing their carts around a supermarket when they collide. The first old guy says to the second guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The second old guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

The first old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?

The second old guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair, blue eyes, long legs, big busted, and is wearing short shorts. What does your wife look like?"

The first old guy says, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."

# A Long Life

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"

He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?"

"Oh no," I replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either."

Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"

I said, "No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!"

Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?"

"No, I don't," I said.

He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"

"No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."

He looked at me and said, "Then, why do you give a shit?"

# Quality Health Care

Two patients limp into two different medical clinics with the same complaint. Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip replacement.

The first patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day and has a time booked for surgery the following week.

The second sees his family doctor after waiting a week for an appointment, then waits eight weeks to see a specialist, then gets an x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another week, and finally has his surgery scheduled for six weeks from then.

Why the different treatment for the two patients? The first is a Golden Retriever and the second is a Senior Citizen.

# Golfing Miracle

A golfer, now in his golden years, had a lifelong ambition to play one particular hole at Pebble Beach, California exactly the way the pros do it.

The pros drive the ball out over the water onto the green that is on a spit of land that juts out into the Pacific Ocean. It was something he had tried hundreds of times without success. His ball had always fallen short, into the ocean. Because of this, he never used a new ball on this particular hole. He always picked out one that had a cut or a nick, as did many other "average" golfers when negotiating very challenging holes.

Recently he went to Pebble Beach to try again. When he came to the fateful hole, he teed up an old cut ball as usual, and said a silent prayer. However, before he could hit it, a powerful voice from above seemed to be booming out from the clouds, saying, "WAIT. REPLACE THAT OLD BALL WITH A BRAND-NEW ONE."

He complied, with some slight misgiving, despite the fact that this same force seemed to be implying that he was going to finally achieve his lifelong ambition.

As he stepped up to the tee once more, the voice came down again saying, "WAIT, STEP BACK AND TAKE A PRACTICE SWING."

So he stepped back and took a practice swing, certain now that this heavenly force was going to make his dream come true.

The voice boomed out again, "WAIT. TAKE ANOTHER PRACTICE SWING."

Dutifully, he did. He stopped expectantly and waited. A long silence followed.

Then the voice said: "USE THE OLD BALL.

# Supermarket Shoplifter

An elderly housewife was caught shoplifting in a large supermarket. The store manager had been experiencing a noticible increase in shoplifting in his store and decided to press charges against the woman to make it clear to other potential shoplifters that he would no longer tolerate even minor shoplifting in his store.

When she appeared in court, the judge asked the woman why she had shoplifted.

"My husband and I are retired on a fixed income," replied the woman, "and the cheap old bastard will not give me enough money to buy all the groceries we need."

"What did you steal from the store?" asked the judge.

"A can of peaches," replied the woman.

"How many peaches were in the can? asked the judge.

"Six peaches," replied the woman.

"Then I am going to sentence you to six months in jail," said the judge, "now does anyone in the court want to comment on this sentence before I close this case?"

At that point, an elderly man in the back of the courtroom stood up and raised his hand. "Identify yourself and tell the court what objection you have to this sentence," said the judge.

"I am this woman's husband," said the man, "and I do not have any objection to your sentence, I just wanted to point out that she also stole a can of peas."

# Horny Old Drunks

Two old drunks were sitting at a rural area bar, lamenting their lack of a sex life. The first drunk looks out the window, and across the road is a sheep stuck half way thru a fence, with its butt facing the tavern. He smiles and says "I sure wish that sheep were Marilyn Monroe. "

"Hell,"the second drunk says, "I just wish it were dark."

# Peace and Quiet

A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trashcan they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.

The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing."

The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trashcans.

After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face. "This recession's really putting a big dent in my income," he told them. "From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans."

The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they accepted his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street.

"Look," he said, "I haven't received my Social Security check yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?"

"A freaking' quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we're going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts! No way, dude. We quit!" And the old man enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days.
Terry's Joke Collection

**Volume I - Animal to Bar Jokes**

Chapter 1 - Animal Jokes

Chapter 2 - Aviation Jokes

Chapter 3 - Bar & Pub Jokes

**Volume II - Barber to Domestic Staff Jokes**

Chapter 1 - Barber & Beautician Jokes

Chapter 2 - Bedside Jokes

Chapter 3 - Blind & Deaf Jokes

Chapter 4 - Blonde Jokes

Chapter 5 - Cafe & Restaurant Jokes

Chapter 6 - Cannibal & Jungle Jokes

Chapter 7 - College & University Jokes

Chapter 8 - Cowboy & Indian Jokes

Chapter 9 - Dentist & Optometrist Jokes

Chapter 10 - Domestic Staff Jokes.

**Volume III - Drugstore to Genie Jokes**

Chapter 1 - Drugstore & Pharmacy Jokes

Chapter 2 - Engineer & Programmer Jokes

Chapter 3 - Farm & Rural Jokes

Chapter 4 - Fireman & Paramedic Jokes

Chapter 5 - Fishing & Camping Jokes

Chapter 6 - Funeral & Cemetery Jokes

Chapter 7 - Garden of Eden Jokes

Chapter 8 - Gay & Lesbian Jokes

Chapter 9 - Genie & Magic Jokes

**Volume IV - Golfing to Kid Jokes**

Chapter 1 - Golfing Jokes

Chapter 2 - Heaven & Hell Jokes

Chapter 3 - Hobo & Drunk Jokes

Chapter 4 - Hooker & Stripper Jokes

Chapter 5 - Hotel & Motel Jokes

Chapter 6 - Hunting & Trapping Jokes

Chapter 7 - Kid & School Jokes

**Volume V - Lawyer to Medical Jokes**

Chapter 1 - Lawyer & Courtroom Jokes

Chapter 2 - Marriage & Relationship Jokes

Chapter 3 - Medical & Hospital Jokes

**Volume VI - Military to Newlywed Jokes**

Chapter 1 - Military & Nautical Jokes

Chapter 2 - Miscellaneous Jokes

Chapter 3 - Motorcycle & Biker Jokes

Chapter 4 - Nationality & Ethnic Jokes

Chapter 5 - Newlywed Jokes

**Volume VII - Nurse to Redneck Jokes**

Chapter 1 - Nurse & Receptionist Jokes

Chapter 2 - Parent & In-Law Jokes

Chapter 3 - Poker & Gambling Jokes

Chapter 4 - Police & Prison Jokes

Chapter 5 - Political Jokes

Chapter 6 - Psychiatrist & Asylum Jokes

Chapter 7 - Redneck & Hillbilly Jokes

**Volume VIII - Religion to Senior Citizen Jokes**

Chapter 1 - Religion & Clergy Jokes

Chapter 2 - Robot, Alien & Space Jokes

Chapter 3 - Sales & Office Jokes

Chapter 4 - Senior Citizen Jokes

**Volume IX - Sports to Train Jokes**

Chapter 1 - Sports & Recreation Jokes

Chapter 2 - Substitute Jokes

Chapter 3 - Supermarket Jokes

Chapter 4 - Teen & High School Jokes

Chapter 5 - Train, Bus & Taxi Jokes 
