 
### Hilarious Emails

By: Shelton Ranasinghe

Suited for Adults

This is work of collection of e-mails received by me from my friends. All of the characters, organizations, and events portrayed in this book are either products of the author's imagination; emails received from others or are used fictitiously. Author is not responsible for any of the factual content in the book.

ISBN: 9780989276344  
Copyright © 2014, by Shelton Ranasinghe  
2665 Devon Hill Road, Rocky River, Ohio 44116, USA  
sr2665@gmail.com

Smashwords Edition  
Published in United States of America

~~~

Every time I wanted to empty my inbox, I was hesitant to do so because of the enjoyment I got from reading them. After writing a few non-fiction and fictions books in the past, for a change I decided to compile some fun emails into a book to extend the enjoyment to others. So, this is the product.

I was hesitant to include the Health Advice section as the claims may not have been independently verified. So, take the advice with a grain of salt.

Sincere thanks to all my friends A to Z who fill my e-mail inbox on daily basis. Special thanks go to my very close buddies Shanthi Herat and Joseph Amerasinghe. A huge percentage of the content in this book is from their frequent bombardment of emails.

~~~

We all smile in the same language!

The best kind of friend: Is the kind you can sit on a porch and swing with, never say a word, and then walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you've ever had.

Bill Gates Says: I will always choose a lazy person to do a difficult Job...Because; he will find an easy way to do it.

Save the Trees

~~~

Contents

Finally, an email I can forward **  
**How to Call the Police When You're Old  
Retired People  
The Silent Fart  
Secrets to a Long Happy Marriage  
What Is Couple Sex?  
Grumpy Gets Sacked  
Clever Salesman Lad  
Irish Birth Control  
'Toot 'n Tell or Go to Hell'  
Hotel Bill  
Bank Robbery  
Duck Hunter  
Arab Students e-mail  
Nothing Going Right?  
Happy Married Life  
90 yr. Old Authur  
Touching Story "The Wallet"  
Subject: An Irish Funeral  
72-Year-Old Fisherman  
Bee Sting  
Grandpa in Nursing Home  
No smoking and drinking  
Co-pilot  
Just Love to Hear It!  
Kids Answers on the Subject of Marriage  
The Cow from India  
Wedding Blues  
Six Management Lessons in 5 Minutes  
Don't laugh too loudly!!! **  
**Wine **  
**Financial Planning **  
**A Loving Husband **  
**Fly a Kite **  
**Men **  
**Women  
Exam Questions  
Driver's License  
New South wales - Australia  
Queensland – Australia  
Tasmania – Australia  
Northern Territory – Australia  
Western Australia  
Victoria – Australia  
Wife & Girlfriend  
Medical Examination of Lady  
Wedding Pranks  
Cry Sardarji, cry  
For Men...and Women with a Bit of Humor  
'Udurawana' the Smart Idiot  
The Value of a Catholic Education and a Pencil  
The Gender of railway Crossings  
Before marriage  
"F" word  
Marriage & Wife  
Tension, Terror, Horror and Tragedy  
We are more valuable than any of the younger generations  
The Difference Between Complete & Finish  
Brother-In-Law **  
**Little Johnny Becomes Logical Johnny  
They Walk Among Us!  
Why Sharks Circle Before Attacking?  
Never Make a Woman Angry!  
A Fart  
Gardening with Grandma  
Judge Judy  
Health Message **  
**Sex Life  
Drink Order  
Husband & Wife **  
**A Greek and an Italian  
Different professions **  
** Traffic Camera  
When U Black, U Black **  
**Professional Bank Robbers Vs. Intellectual Hackers! **  
**God's Promise  
Marriage and Marijuana **  
**Weekend bashing **  
**Fart in Public  
Pathan Doesn't Pay  
Q &A Type **  
**'Amdan' the Intelligent Kid  
Exam Questions **  
**Daddy, how was I born?  
Oh! Boy **  
**Globalization **  
**Raman and Narayan **  
**Stupid Question, Excellent Answer!  
A Healing Miracle for Burns  
Benefits of Walking **  
**Health Benefits of Honey and Cinnamon  
Aspirin Information  
About Heart Attacks  
Food as Medicine   
Coconut water **  
**The Main Causes of Liver Damage  
The Top Five Cancer-causing Foods  
Eating Fruits **  
**10 Common Habits that Damage the Kidneys **  
**Home Remedies: Acidity, Blood Pressure, Diabetes **  
**Brain Damaging Habits **  
**Interesting Facts **  
**Good Sayings **  
**Unique Nine Letter word **  
**Observations on Growing Older  
JUDGE NOT!! **  
**Six Principles of Life  
Good Advice to Sixty Plus & to Those Under Sixty...!! **  
**Hi Boss **  
**The Laws of Nature **  
**Brings Back Any Memories? _  
_The Situation **  
**Some Awesome Facts **  
**Questions **  
**Words **  
**Poem in the World **  
**Most Successful People Who Failed at First **  
**Life **  
**Impossibilities in the World **  
**Traps and Trivia **  
**IQ **  
**Other titles written by Shelton Ranasinghe

~~~

Finally, an email I can forward...

I want to thank you all for your educational e-mails over the years.

I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

I can no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, nor let the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can't sit down on a hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose.

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman's handbag for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public toilet.

I must send my special thanks for the email about rat poo in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing. Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I can't have a drink in a bar because I fear I'll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.

I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.

I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer buy fuel without taking someone along to watch the car, so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life.

I no longer go to the cinema because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.

I no longer go to shopping centers because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a huge phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan.

Thanks to you I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

And thanks to your great advice I can't ever pick up a dime coin dropped in the car park because it was probably placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.

I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my neighbors ex mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's beautician!

Oh, and by the way... A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse. Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

P. S. I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.

NOW YOU HAVE YOURSELF A VERY GOOD READ OF THE OTHER EMAILS.

Funny Stories

How to Call the Police When You're Old

George Phillips, an elderly man from Melbourne, Australia was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.

Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available"

George said, "Okay." He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again. "Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot and killed them both; the dogs are eating them right now" and he hung up.

Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"  
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

Retired People

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.

Well, for example, the other day, Mary my wife and I went into town and visited a shop. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

We went up to him and I said, 'Come on, man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?' He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him an "asshole". He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tires.

So Mary called him a "shit head". He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing more tickets.

This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it and went home.

We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age

The Silent Fart

Elderly couple, Pauline & Frank was recently attending a church service at their retirement village.

About halfway through the service, Pauline took a pen and paper out of her purse, and wrote a note and handed it to Frank.

The note said: "I just let out a silent fart, what do you think I should do?"

Frank scribbled back: "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

Secrets to a Long Happy Marriage

An old woman was sipping on a glass of wine, while sitting on the patio with her husband, and she says, "I love you so much, I don't know how I could ever live without you"

Her husband asks "Is that you, or the wine talking?"

She replies, "It's me... talking to the wine."

What Is Couple Sex?

An 8-year-old girl went to her grandfather, who was working in the yard and asked him, "Grandpa, what is a couple sex?

The grandfather was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she's old enough to know to ask the question then she's old enough to get a straight answer. Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to tell her all about human reproduction and the joys and responsibilities that go along with it. When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open, eyes wide in amazement.

Seeing the look on her face, the grandfather asked her, "Why did you ask this question, honey?

The little girl replied, "Well, Grandma says to tell you that dinner will be ready in just a couple secs."

Grumpy Gets Sacked

So after getting a job at ASDA as a greeter I have lasted less than a day...

After about an hour into my first day this big slob woman, eating a pastry from Greggs walks in to the entrance with two kids, screaming swear words at them.

I said pleasantly, "Good Morning, welcome to ASDA what lovely children you have there, are they twins?"

The slob stopped screaming at them long enough to say, "No, they are not bloody twins, one is 8 and the other is 9, why the hell would you think they were twins are you stupid or blind?"

"No petal I'm neither stupid nor blind, I just couldn't believe someone would have fxxked you twice. Have a nice day and thank you for stopping at ASDA."

My supervisor told me that I probably wasn't cut out for the job.

Clever Salesman Lad

A keen immigrant lad applied for a salesman's job at London's premier downtown department store. It was the biggest store in the world & you could get anything there. The boss asked him, "Have you ever been a salesman before?" "Yes sir, I was a salesman in my country", replied the lad. The boss liked the cut of him and said, "You can start tomorrow and I'll come and see you at 6 pm."

The day was long and arduous for the young man, but he got through it. Finally, 6:00 pm. came around. The boss duly fronted up and asked, "How many sales did you make today?"

"Sir, just one sale." said the young salesman. ""Only ONE sale?" blurted the boss. "No! No! You see here, most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. "If you want to keep this job, you'd better be doing better than just one sale.

By the way, how much was the sale worth?"

"300,534.00 pounds" said the young man.

"What?!, How did you manage that?" asked the flabbergasted boss.

"Well", said the salesman, "This man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sell him new fishing rod and some fishing gear.

Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast so I told him he'd be needing a boat. I took him down to the boat department and sold him that 20 foot schooner with the twin engines.

He said his Volkswagen probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to our automotive department and sold him that new Deluxe 4X4 Blazer.

I then asked him where he'll be staying, and since he had no accommodation, I took him to the camping department and sold him one of those new igloo 6-sleeper camper tents.

Then the guy said, while we're at it, I should throw in about 100 Pounds worth of groceries and two cases of beer.

The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, "You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook?"

"No" answered the salesman, "he came in to buy a box of sanitary napkins for his wife and I said to him, "Sir, Your weekend is screwed anyway, you might as well go fishing."

Boss: "You can sit in my chair."

Irish Birth Control

Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty.

The Father said, 'Top o' the mornin' To ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan and didn't I marry ye and yer'

Hoosband couple 'a years ago?'

She replied, 'Aye, that ye' did, Father.

The Father asked, 'And be there any wee little ones yet?'

She replied, 'No, not yet, Father.'

The Father said, 'Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a fertility candle for ye' And yer' hoosband.'

She replied, 'Oh, thank ye, Father...' They then parted ways.

Some years later they met again. The Father asked, 'Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?'

She replied, 'Oh, very well, Father!'

The Father asked, 'And tell me, have ye' any wee ones yet?'

She replied, 'Oh yes, Father! Two sets of twins and six singles, ten wee ones in all!'

The Father said, 'Oh, that's wonderful! And how's yer' loving hoosband doing?'

She replied, 'E's gone to Rome to blow out yer' fookin' candle!'

'Toot 'n Tell or Go to Hell'

The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, 'You had a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theatre seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now.'

The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, 'And you told me adding a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that Rock 'n Roll Gospel Choir. Now our services are consistently packed to the balcony.'

'Thank you, Father,' answered the young priest. 'I am pleased that you are open to the New Ideas of Youth.' 'All of these ideas have been well and good,' said the elderly priest, 'But I'm afraid you've gone too far with the Drive-thru Confessional.'

'But Father,' protested the young priest, 'my confessions and the donations have nearly doubled since I began that!' 'Yes,' replied the elderly priest, 'and I appreciate that.... But the Pope says our flashing neon sign, 'Toot 'n Tell or Go to Hell' can't stay on the roof.

Hotel Bill

Next time you think your hotel bill is too high you might want to consider this...

A husband and wife are travelling by car from Brisbane to Melbourne.

After almost ten hours on the road, they're too tired to continue and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.

When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk; hands them a bill for $450.00.

The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't worth $450.00.

When the clerk tells him $450.00 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were available for the husband and wife to use.

"But we didn't use them," the man complains

"Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager. He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.

"But we didn't go to any of those shows, "complains the man again.

"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replies.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentions! The man replies, "But we didn't use it!"

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a cheque and gives it to the Manager.

The Manager is surprised when he looks at the cheque. "But sir," he says, "this cheque is only made out for $50.00."

"That's correct," says the man. "I charged you $400 for sleeping with my wife."

"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.

"Well, too bad," the man replies. "She was here and you could have!"

Bank Robbery

Man with a gun goes into a bank and demands their money. Once he is given the money, he turns to a customer and asks, 'Did you see me rob this bank?'

The man replied, 'Yes sir, I did.' The robber then shot him in the temple, killing him instantly.

He then turned to a couple standing next to him and asked the man, 'Did you see me rob this bank?'

The man replied, 'No sir, I didn't, but my wife did!'

Duck Hunter

A Duck Hunter went hunting one day in Scotland and bagged three ducks. He put them in the bed of his truck and was about to drive home when he was confronted by an ornery game warden who didn't like the Duck Hunter. The game warden ordered him to show his hunting license, and he pulled out a valid Scottish hunting license. The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its bottom, and said, "This duck ain't from Scotland. This is a Welsh duck. You got a Welsh hunting' license, lad?" The Hunter reached into his wallet and produced a Welsh hunting license.

The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its bottom, and said "This ain't no Welsh duck. This duck's from Ireland. You got an Irish license?" The Hunter reached into wallet and produced an Irish hunting license.

The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its bottom, and said, "This ain't no Irish duck. This here duck's from England. You got an English huntin' license?" Again, the Hunter reached into his wallet and brought out an English hunting license.

The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the Hunter "Just where the hell are you from???!!!"

The Hunter turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said, "You tell me, you're the expert."

Arab Students e-mail

Arab student sends an e-mail to his Dad saying:

Dear Dad,

Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here, but Dad, I am bit ashamed to arrive to my college with my Gold Mercedes, when all my Teachers travel by train.

Your Son,  
Nasser

Sometime later Nasser gets reply to his e-mail from his Dad:

Loving son,

Twenty Million Dollars transferred to your account, please stop embarrassing us, go and get yourself a train too.

Your Dad

Nothing Going Right?

A little guy is sitting at the bar staring at his drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig.

"Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as the little guy bursts into tears.

"Come on, man, "the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can`t stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy.

"I'm a complete failure! I was late to a meeting, and my Boss fired me. When I went to the car park, I found my car stolen and I don't have any insurance, I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the milk man and then my dog bit me.

"So, I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink, drop the capsule in it and while I sit here watching the poison dissolve; a smart ass like you shows up and drinks the whole damn thing!"

Happy Married Life

Once I was asked by my Friend, "What is the secret behind your happy married life?"

I said, "You should share responsibilities with due love and respect each other. Then absolutely there will be no problems."

He asked, "Can you explain?"

I said, "In my house, I take decisions on bigger issues where as my wife decides on smaller issues. We do not interfere in each other's decisions."

Still not convinced, Friend asked me "Give me some examples?"

I said, "Smaller issues like, which car we should buy, how much amount to save, when to visit home town, which sofa, air conditioner, refrigerator, monthly expenses, whether to keep a maid or not etc., are decided by my wife. I just agree to it."

He asked, "Then what is your role?"

I said," My decisions are only for very big issues. Like whether America should attack Iran, whether Britain should lift sanction over Zimbabwe, whether to widen African economy, etc., and do you know one thing,

My wife NEVER, EVER objects to any of these"...!!!!!!

90 yr. Old Athur

Arthur is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago.

One day he arrives home looking downcast.

"That's it," he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has got so bad. Once I've hit the ball, I can't see where it went."

His wife sympathizes. As they sit down, she has a suggestion: "Why don't you take my brother with you, and give it one more try?"

"That's no good," sighs Arthur. "Your brother is a hundred and three. He can't help."

"He may be a hundred and three," says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."

So the next day, Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law.

He tees up, takes an almighty swing, and squints down the fairway. He turns to the brother-in-law. "Did you see the ball?"

"Of course I did!" says the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight."

"Where did it go?" asks Arthur.

"Can't remember."

Touching Story "The Wallet"

As I walked home one freezing day, I stumbled on a wallet someone had lost in the street. I picked it up and looked inside to find some identification so I could call the owner. But the wallet contained only three dollars and a crumpled letter that looked as if it had been in there for years.

The envelope was worn and the only thing that was legible on it was the return address. I started to open the letter, hoping to find some clue. Then I saw the dateline -- 1924. The letter had been written almost sixty years ago.

It was written in a beautiful feminine handwriting on powder blue stationery with a little flower in the left-hand corner. It was a "Dear John" letter that told the recipient, whose name appeared to be Michael, that the writer could not see him anymore because her mother forbade it. Even so, she wrote that she would always love him. It was signed, Hannah.

It was a beautiful letter, but there was no way except for the name Michael, that the owner could be identified. Maybe if I called information, the operator could find a phone listing for the address on the envelope.

"Operator," I began, "this is an unusual request. I'm trying to find the owner of a wallet that I found. Is there any way you can tell me if there is a phone number for an address that was on an envelope in the wallet?"

She suggested I speak with her supervisor, who hesitated for a moment then said, "Well, there is a phone listing at that address, but I can't give you the number." She said, as a courtesy, she would call that number, explain my story and would ask them if they wanted her to connect me. I waited a few minutes and then she was back on the line. "I have a party who will speak with you."

I asked the woman on the other end of the line if she knew anyone by the name of Hannah. She gasped, "Oh! We bought this house from a family who had a daughter named Hannah. But that was 30 years ago!"

"Would you know where that family could be located now?" I asked.

"I remember that Hannah had to place her mother in a nursing home some years ago," the woman said. "Maybe if you got in touch with them, they might be able to track down the daughter."

She gave me the name of the nursing home and I called the number. They told me the old lady had passed away some years ago but they did have a phone number for where they thought the daughter might be living.

I thanked them and phoned. The woman who answered explained that Hannah herself was now living in a nursing home.

This whole thing was stupid, I thought to myself. Why was I making such a big deal over finding the owner of a wallet that had only three dollars and a letter that was almost 60 years old?

Nevertheless, I called the nursing home in which Hannah was supposed to be living and the man who answered the phone told me, "Yes, Hannah is staying with us."

Even though it was already 10 pm, I asked if I could come by to see her. "Well," he said hesitatingly, "if you want to take a chance, she might be in the day room watching television."

I thanked him and drove over to the nursing home. The night nurse and a guard greeted me at the door. We went up to the third floor of the large building. In the day room, the nurse introduced me to Hannah.

She was a sweet, silver-haired old timer with a warm smile and a twinkle in her eye. I told her about finding the wallet and showed her the letter. The second she saw the powder blue envelope with that little flower on the left, she took a deep breath and said, "Young man, this letter was the last contact I ever had with Michael."

She looked away for a moment deep in thought and then said softly, "I loved him very much. But I was only 16 at the time and my mother felt I was too young. Oh, he was so handsome. He looked like Sean Connery, the actor."

"Yes," she continued, "Michael Goldstein was a wonderful person. If you should find him, tell him I think of him often. And, "she hesitated for a moment, almost biting her lip, "tell him I still love him. You know," she said smiling as tears began to well up in her eyes, "I never did marry. I guess no one ever matched up to Michael..."

I thanked Hannah and said goodbye. I took the elevator to the first floor and as I stood by the door, the guard there asked, "Was the old lady able to help you?"

I told him she had given me a lead. "At least I have a last name. But I think I'll let it go for a while. I spent almost the whole day trying to find the owner of this wallet."

I had taken out the wallet, which was a simple brown leather case with red lacing on the side. When the guard saw it, he said, "Hey, wait a minute! That's Mr. Goldstein's wallet. I'd know it anywhere with that bright red lacing. He's always losing that wallet. I must have found it in the halls at least three times."

"Who's Mr. Goldstein?" I asked as my hand began to shake. "He's one of the old timers on the 8th floor. That's Mike Goldstein's wallet for sure. He must have lost it on one of his walks." I thanked the guard and quickly ran back to the nurse's office. I told her what the guard had said. We went back to the elevator and got on. I prayed that Mr. Goldstein would be up.

On the eighth floor, the floor nurse said, "I think he's still in the day room. He likes to read at night. He's a darling old man."

We went to the only room that had any lights on and there was a man reading a book. The nurse went over to him and asked if he had lost his wallet. Mr. Goldstein looked up with surprise, put his hand in his back pocket and said, "Oh, it is missing!"

"This kind gentleman found a wallet and we wondered if it could be yours?"

I handed Mr. Goldstein the wallet and the second he saw it, he smiled with relief and said, "Yes, that's it! It must have dropped out of my pocket this afternoon. I want to give you a reward."

"No, thank you," I said. "But I have to tell you something. I read the letter in the hope of finding out who owned the wallet."

The smile on his face suddenly disappeared. "You read that letter?"

"Not only did I read it, I think I know where Hannah is."

He suddenly grew pale. "Hannah? You know where she is? How is she? Is she still as pretty as she was? Please, please tell me," he begged.

"She's fine...just as pretty as when you knew her," I said softly.

The old man smiled with anticipation and asked, "Could you tell me where she is? I want to call her tomorrow." He grabbed my hand and said, "You know something, mister, I was so in love with that girl that when that letter came, my life literally ended. I never married. I guess I've always loved her."

"Mr. Goldstein," I said, "Come with me."

We took the elevator down to the third floor. The hallways were darkened and only one or two little night-lights lit our way to the day room where Hannah was sitting alone watching the television. The nurse walked over to her.

"Hannah," she said softly, pointing to Michael, who was waiting with me in the doorway. "Do you know this man?"

She adjusted her glasses, looked for a moment, but didn't say a word. Michael said softly, almost in a whisper, "Hannah, its Michael. Do you remember me?"

She gasped, "Michael! I don't believe it! Michael! It's you! My Michael" He walked slowly towards her and they embraced. The nurse and I left with tears streaming down our faces.

"See," I said. "See how the Good Lord works! If it's meant to be, it will be."

About three weeks later I got a call at my office from the nursing home. "Can you break away on Sunday to attend a wedding? Michael and Hannah are going to tie the knot!"

It was a beautiful wedding with all the people at the nursing home dressed up to join in the celebration. Hannah wore a light beige dress and looked beautiful. Michael wore a dark blue suit and stood tall.  
They made me their best man.

The hospital gave them their own room and if you ever wanted to see a 76-year-old bride and a 79-year-old groom acting like two teenagers, you had to see this couple.

A perfect ending for a love affair that had lasted nearly 60 years!

Subject: An Irish Funeral

A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed an unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking in single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said: "I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

"My wife's."

''What happened to her?"

"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"

The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her also."

A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood and silence passed between the two men.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

The man replied, "You must get in line."

72 Year Old Fisherman

A guy is 72 years old and loves to fish.

He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, 'Pick me up.'

He looked around and couldn't see anyone.

He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again; 'Pick me up.'

He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.

The man said, 'Are you talking to me?'

The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you.' Pick me up then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!'

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front pocket.

The frog said, 'What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.'

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,

'Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog.'

With age comes wisdom.

Bee Sting

A young woman had been taking golf lessons. She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help and to complain.

Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and said, 'Why are you back in so early? What's wrong?'

'I was stung by a bee', she said.

'Where?' he asked.

'Between the first and second hole,' she replied.

He nodded knowingly and said, 'Then your feet are too far apart.

Grandpa in Nursing Home

An Arab family was considering putting their grandfather (Abdullah) in a nursing home. All the Arab Facilities were completely full, so they had to put him in an Italian nursing home.

After a few weeks in the Italian facility, they came to visit Grandpa.

"How do you like it here?" asked the grandson

"It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful," said grandpa.

"We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you, since you are a little different from everyone."

"Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents," Abdullah said with a big smile.

"There's a musician here - he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years, and everyone still calls him Maestro!

There is a judge in here - he's 95 years old. He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him Your Honor!

There's a dentist here - 90 years old. He hasn't fixed a tooth for 25 years, and everyone still calls him Doctor!

And Me - I haven't had sex for 35 years, and they still call me 'The F**king Arab'.

No smoking and drinking

The lady was a Southern Baptist who attended services and taught Sunday School every week. On one Sunday, an out of town acquaintance, a gentleman, was in the pew right behind her. He noted what a fine-looking woman she was. While they were taking up the collection, the man leaned forward and said, "Hey, how about you and I having dinner on Tuesday?"

"Why yes, that would be nice," the lady responded. Well, the gentleman couldn't believe his luck. On Tuesday he picked the lady up and took her to the finest restaurant in that part of South Carolina.

When they sat down, the gentleman looked over at her and suggested, "Would you like a cocktail before dinner?"

"Oh, no," said our circumspect fine example of southern womanhood, "What ever would I tell my Sunday School class?"

Well, our gentleman was set back a bit, so he didn't say much until after dinner, when he pulled out a pack of cigarettes and asked, "Would you like a smoke?"

"Oh my goodness no," said the woman. "I couldn't face my Sunday School class if I did?"

Well, our boy felt pretty low after that, so they left, got in his car and as he was driving the lady home, they passed the local Holiday Inn. He'd been morally rebuffed twice already, so he figured he had nothing to lose so he ventured forth with, "Ahhh. Mmmm, how would you like to stop at this motel?"

"Sure, that would be nice," she said in anticipation.

The gentleman couldn't believe his ears, and did a fast U-turn right then and there, and drove back to the motel and checked in.

The next morning, after a wild and passionate night of the most incredible sex and perversions imaginable, the gentleman awoke first. He looked at the lovely Dixie darling lying there in the bed and with remorse thought, "What the hell have I done?

He shook her awake and pleaded, "I've got to ask you one thing, whatever are you going to tell your Sunday School class?"

The lady said, "The same thing I always tell them. You don't have to smoke and drink to have a good time."

Co-pilot

A few years ago on an Air NZ flight; I asked if I could visit the cockpit.

When I got up there, I found four crewmen. I asked the first what he did and he explained: That he was the navigator and what his responsibilities were.

I turned to next one and asked what he did.

He explained that he was the engineer and his job was to monitor and troubleshoot any system problems; to keep the flight operating smoothly.

I turned to the next one and asked what he did.

He explained that as the captain he was responsible for everything on the airplane and the functioning of the crew.

So I then turned to the young first officer and asked "Well young man, what is your job?"

He replied "Sir, I am the captain's sexual advisor."

Somewhat shocked, I said "I beg your pardon, what do you mean by that?"

"Very simple sir! The captain has told me that when he wants my fucking advice, he'll ask for it."

Humour

Just Love to Hear It!

A guy phones up his Boss, but gets the bosses' wife instead: "I'm afraid he died last week." she explains.

The next day the man calls again and asks for the boss. "I told you" the wife replies, "he died last week.

The next day he calls again and once more asks to speak to his boss. By this time the wife is getting upset and shouts: "I'VE ALREADY TOLD YOU TWICE, MY HUSBAND, YOUR BOSS, DIED LAST WEEK! WHY DO YOU KEEP CALLING?"

He replied laughing, "Coz . . ." "I just love hearing it. . ."

Kids Answers on the Subject of Marriage

1. How do you decide who to marry? (Written by kids)

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. - Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with. -- Kristen, age 10

2. What is the right age to get married?

Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. - Camille, age 10

3. How can a stranger tell if two people are married?

You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. - Derrick, age 8

4. What do you think your mum and dad have in common?

Both don't want any more kids. -- Lori, age 8

5. What do most people do on a date?

Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. -- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)

On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. - Martin, age 10

6. When is it okay to kiss someone?   
When they're rich! - Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that! - Curt, age 7

7. Is it better to be single or married?   
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. - Anita, age 9 (bless you child)

8. How would the world be different if people didn't get married?   
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there? -- Kelvin, age 8

And the #1 Favorite is...

9. How would you make a marriage work?   
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck. - Ricky, age 10

The Cow from India

The only cow in a small town in Australia stopped giving milk.

The townsfolk found they could buy a cow in India quite cheaply.

They brought the cow from India and it was wonderful, produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.

They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again. They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away.

No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he was never able to do the deed. The people were very upset and decided to go the Vet, who was very wise, and told him what was happening and asked his advice.

"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward, they said. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he attempts from the one side, she walks away to the other side."

The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in India?"

The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had bought the cow over from India.

"You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow in India?

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye,

"My wife is from India"

Wedding Blues:

A newly married Husband saved his wife's number on his mobile as "MY LIFE";

After one year of marriage, it was found changed to "MY WIFE";

After Five years of Marriage: "HOME"

After Ten Years "HITLER"

After Silver Anniversary "WRONG NUMBER"

Six Management Lessons in 5 Minutes

Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'

'It was Bob the next-door neighbor,' she replies.

'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

Moral of the story:   
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Lesson 2:

A priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had  
an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.  
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:

If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out.

The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'

'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'

Puff! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'

Puff! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.  
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'

Moral of the story:

Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'

The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox  
appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'

'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally, after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:

Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lays there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:

(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.

(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

Congratulations!

Don't laugh too loudly!!!

Two businessmen in the center of Perth were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new shop...  
As yet, the shop wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up. One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some pensioner is going to walk by, put their face to the window, and ask what we're selling."  
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious old woman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked,  
"What are you selling here?" One of the men replied sarcastically,  
"We're selling ass-holes."  
Without skipping a beat, the old dear said,  
"Must be doing well... Only two left."

Wine

To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine... and those who don't.

As Ben Franklin said, in wine there is wisdom; in beer there is freedom; in water there is bacteria.

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop. However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember:   
Water = Poop, Wine = Health. Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid,  
than to drink water and be full of shit.

Financial Planning

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided that needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune.

One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

"I may look like just an ordinary guy," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die and I will inherit $200 million."

Impressed, the woman asked for his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at financial planning than men.

A Loving Husband

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150." The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

Fly a Kite

I was in my back yard trying to fly a kite.

I threw the kite up in the air, the wind would catch it for a few seconds, and then it would come crashing back down to earth.

I tried this a few more times with no success.

All the while, Karen is watching from the kitchen window. Muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.

She opens the window and yelled to me,

'You need a piece of tail.'

I turned with a confused look on my face and said, 'Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite.'

Men

Man in bed with wife sliding his hand slowly across her back, shoulders, side just brushing her breasts, carries on other side & legs, spreads her legs apart & runs his hand on inner side of her thighs moves back towards the top and stops.

Wife gasps.

"Why did you stop?"

I've found the remote. Go back to sleep.

Women

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes." The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.

Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!" The woman said, "That's okay." For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to". The woman replied,

"That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me." So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world! For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you.

"The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine." So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world! The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.

Exam Questions

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term exam. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well...

Here is the "Bonus Question" on the exam: "Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?"

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different Religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa (a girlfriend of mine during my Freshman year) that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you", and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.

The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct...leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A."

Driver's License

A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date.

'Mommy,' the little girl asks, 'how old are you?'

'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied.  
'It's not polite.'

'OK', the little girl says,  
'How much do you weigh?'

'Now really,' the mother says, 'those are personal questions and are really none of your business.'

Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'

'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!'

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

'My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend.

'Well,' says the friend, 'all you need to do is look at her driver's license.  
It's like a report card, it has everything on it.'

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, 'I know how old you are. You are 32.'

The mother is surprised and asks, 'How did you find that out?

'I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.'

The mother is past surprised and shocked now. 'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?'

'And,' the little girl says triumphantly, 'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.'

'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?'

'Because you got an F in sex.'

New South wales - Australia

A senior citizen drove his brand new Holden Senator out of the dealership Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 120kph, enjoying the power of the car ...

Amazing, he thought as he flew down the F3, pushing the pedal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a highway patrol car, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 140kph, then 180kph, and then suddenly he thought 'what am I doing? I'm too old for this! and pulled over to await the coppers arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the copper got out of his vehicle and walked up to the car. He looked at his watch, then said, Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason for speeding a reason I've never before heard I'll let you go.

The old gentleman paused then said, Three years ago; my wife ran off with a policeman, I thought you were bringing her back.

Have a good day, Sir, replied the copper.

Queensland – Australia

The owner of a golf course on the Gold Coast was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.

He called her into his office and said, you graduated from the University of Queensland and I need some help. If I was to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, everything but my earrings.

Tasmania – Australia

A senior citizen in Tasmania was overheard saying, When the end of the world comes, I hope to be here.

When asked why, he replied, I'd rather be in Tasmania because everything happens in Tasmania 20 years later than in the rest of the world.

Northern Territory – Australia

The young man from NT came running into the store and said to his mate, Johnno, somebody just stole your SUV from the parking lot!

Johnno replied, did ya see who it was?

The young man answered, I couldn't tell, but I got the license number.

Western Australia

A WA highway patrol pulled over a car on the main road. The copper asked, got any ID?

The driver replied, about what?

Victoria – Australia

The copper pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his SUV into the ditch. The copper asked, why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head.

Yep, he replied. That's why I'm dumping it here, because it says: Fine for Dumping Garbage

Wife & Girlfriend

Wife is like a TV & Girlfriend is like a MOBILE.  
At home u watch TV, but when u go out u take ur MOBILE.  
Sometimes u enjoy TV, but most of the time u play with ur MOBILE.  
TV is free for life, but for the MOBILE, if you don't pay, the services will be terminated.  
TV is big, bulky & most of the time old!  
But the MOBILE is cute, slim, curvy & very portable.  
Operational costs for TV are often acceptable, but for the MOBILE it is often high & demanding.  
TV has a remote, MOBILE doesn't.  
Most importantly, MOBILE is a two-way communication (n'u talk& listen) but  
with the TV you MUST only listen (whether you want to or not)  
Last but not least..!  
TVs don't have viruses, but MOBILEs often do...  
Take Care.

Medical Examination of Lady

During a lady's medical examination, the doctor says: "Your heart, lungs, pulse and blood pressure are all fine.

Now let me see the bit that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble."

The lady starts taking off her underwear but is interrupted by the doctor.

"No! No! Don't remove your clothes... Just stick out your tongue!"

Wedding Pranks

The wedding date was set and the groom's three pals - a carpenter, an electrician and a dentist were deciding what pranks to play on the couple on their wedding night.  
The carpenter figured sawing the slats of their bed would give them a chuckle or two.  
The electrician decided to wire the bed - with alternating current, of course.

The dentist wouldn't commit himself, but wore a sly grin and promised it would be memorable.  
The nuptials went as planned and a few days later, each of the grooms buddies received the following note:  
"Dear Friends,  
We didn't mind the bed slats being sawed.  
The electric shock was only a minor setback.  
But I swear, I'm going to kill the bastard who put local anesthesia in the condom!!!"

Cry Sardarji, cry.

Michael, Andre and Sardarji are standing at the Gates of Heaven, being interviewed by St. Peter.

"Ok Michael, how many times did you cheat on your wife?"

"Let me be honest, St Peter. I've been seeing at least two or three different women a year all my married life".

"Ok, your car in heaven is that Hyundai 20 there. Goodbye."

St. Peter turns to Andre, "How many times did you cheat on your wife?"

Andre replies, "In fifteen years of marriage, I did cheat on my wife twice."

St. Peter says, "OK, your car in heaven is that Honda Civic. Here are the keys."

Now it is Sardarji's turn, "And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?"

Sardarji lifts his head high, "I am proud to say that in twenty years of marriage, I never cheated.

In fact, my beloved has been dead for two years and I remained celibate the whole time!"

St Peter replies, "Very impressive...! Your car in heaven is that BMW Z4-M Roadster convertible!"

Michael and Andre are in the heavenly park waiting for their friend.

Sardarji arrives in his BMW but is crying.

Michael asks, "Arrre! What's the matter with you? We should be crying. We're stuck with these cheaper models and you got an expensive BMW!"

Between sobs Sardarji says,

"I just saw my wife. And she was riding a bicycle"!!

For Men...and Women with a Bit of Humor

A man was granted two wishes by God. He asked for the best drink & the best woman ever. Next moment he got mineral water & Mother Teresa.  
~  
There are three kinds of men in this world. Some remain single and make wonders happen. Some have girlfriends and see wonders happen. Rest gets married and wonders what happened!  
~  
Wives are magicians. They can change anything into an argument.  
~  
Why do women live a Better, Longer & Peaceful Life, as compared to men?

An intelligent student replied: "Because Women don't have a wife!"  
~  
"Honey," said the husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper."  
"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I haven't been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!"

"I know all that."

"Then why did you invite a friend for supper?"

"Because the poor fool is thinking about getting married."  
~  
Cool Message by a wife: Dear Mother-in-law, Don't teach me how to handle my children. I am living with one of yours and he needs a lot of improvements!?  
~  
When a married man says, I will think about it – what it really means is that he doesn't know his wife's opinion yet.  
~  
A lady says to her doctor: "my husband has a habit of taking in his sleep! What should I give him to cure it?'

The doctor replies: "give him an opportunity to speak when he is awake!"

Udurawana the Smart Idiot

Sugar Test

Udurawana enters kitchen, opens sugar box, looks inside and closes it. This he does again and again.  
Why? Because the doctor told him to check the sugar level regularly!

Udurawana and scooter

Udurawana and two of his friends were going on a scooter. A Traffic policeman showed them his hand to stop.  
Udurawana said: We are already three, sorry, there is no space.

Cyclone

Bank manager asks Udurawana in an interview: "What is a cyclone?"  
Udurawana: "It is the loan given to purchase a bicycle"

Side Effects

Once Udurawana bought some tablets and started cutting the edges.  
Do you know why? He wanted to avoid side effects!

Oxygen

Teacher: Oxygen is very essential to life. It was discovered in 1773  
Udurawana: Thank God!! I was born after 1773. Had I born earlier, I would have died...

Skeleton

Interviewer: What is a skeleton?  
Udurawana: Sir, skeleton is a person who started dieting, but forgot to stop it!!

Microsoft Office

Interviewer: Do you know Microsoft Office?  
Udurawana: No, but I can find it if you give the address...

Calendar

A person went to a Udurawana's shop.  
Person: I want 2012 calendar  
Udurawana: Sorry sir, you are too late. We have only 1000 calendar's left

ATM PIN

Udurawana was drawing money from an ATM.  
A person, who was just behind him in the line said, "Ha! Ha! Haaa! I've seen your password. Its 4 asterisks (****).  
Udurawana replies, "Ha! Ha! Ha! You are wrong. Its 1258."

Delivered

Udurawana sent a SMS to his pregnant wife. Two seconds later a report came to his phone and he started dancing. Why? The report said, "DELIVERED".

The Value of a Catholic Education and a Pencil.

Little Susie was not the best student in Catholic School. Usually she slept through the class. One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping. 'Tell me Susie, who created the universe?' When Susie didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear. 'God Almighty!' shouted Susie. The Nun said, 'Very good' and continued teaching her class. A little later the Nun asked Susie, 'Who is our Lord and Savior?' But Susie didn't stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck her in the butt. 'Jesus Christ!!!' shouted Susie. And the Nun once again said, 'Very good,' and Susie fell back asleep.

The Nun asked her a third question. 'What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?' Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Susie jumped up and shouted, 'If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'

The nun fainted!

The Gender of railway Crossings

An inquiry was being held for an accident at a railway crossing in Punjab India. A Sardarji Station Master was asked by the Inquiry Commission, "How many Railway Crossings are in your area."

"Total is eleven sir, four un-manned and seven manned. In manned crossings, four are female and three are male sir."

He was asked, "What do you mean by 'Male' and 'Female' crossings?"

Sardarji replied, "Where the barrier pole goes up, we call it male, and where the gate panels spread out open, we call it female."

Before marriage

He: Yes. At last! It was so hard to wait.  
She: Do you want me to leave?  
He: No! Don't even think about it.  
She: Do you love me?  
He: Of course! Over and over!  
She: Have you ever cheated on me?  
He: No! Why are you even asking?  
She: Will you kiss me?  
He: Every chance I get.  
She: Will you hit me?  
He: Are you crazy! I'm not that kind of person!  
She: Can I trust you?  
He: Yes.  
She: Darling!

After marriage  
Simply read from bottom to top.

"F" word

Here are the top 10 times throughout history that using the "F" word was appropriate....

10th "Scattered f***ing showers, my ass!" - Noah, 4314 BC  
9th "How the f*** did you work that out?" - Pythagoras, 126 BC  
8th "You want WHAT on the f***ing ceiling?" - Michelangelo, 1566  
7th "Where did all those f***ing Indians come from?" - Custer, 1877  
6th "It does so f***ing look like her!" - Picasso, 1926  
5th "Where the f*** are we?" - Amelia Earhart, 1937  
4th "Any f***ing idiot could understand that." - Einstein, 1938  
3rd "What the f*** was that?" - Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945  
2nd "I need this parade like I need a f***ing hole in the head!" - JFK, 1963  
And the Number 1 most appropriate time for using the "F" word....

"Aw c'mon. Who the f*** is gonna find out?" - Tiger Woods, 2009

Marriage & Wife

Why are wives more dangerous than the Mafia?   
The mafia wants, either ur money or life...   
The wives want both!

Marriage is like a public toilet.  
Those waiting outside are desperate to get in...   
&  
Those inside are desperate to come out.  
~  
No Man Can Ever Be Satisfied with 4 things in life.  
(1) Cell Phone  
(2) Car  
(3) TV  
(4) Wife  
Because there is always a better model in neighborhood.  
~  
Searching these keywords on Google: `How to tackle wife?`  
Google search result: `Good day sir, Even we are searching`.  
~  
Compromising does not mean, you are wrong & your wife is right.  
It only means that the safety of your head is much more important than your ego!  
~  
Imagine living with 3 wives in one compound & never leaving the house for 5 years.  
Osama Bin Laden must have called the US Navy Seals himself.  
~  
Whisky is a brilliant invention. One double & you start feeling single again.  
~  
A friend recently explained why he refuses to get to married.  
He says the wedding rings look like miniature handcuffs.  
~  
It is said that when a woman closes her eyes, she sees the person she is in love with the most; and when a man does that......the slide show begins.  
~  
It takes thousand workers 2 build a castle, Million soldiers to protect a country, but just One woman 2 make a Happy Home \--------- A Good Maid!  
~  
Funny quote on a husband`s T-Shirt:

All girls are devils,  
but my wife is the queen.  
of them all.

Tension, Terror, Horror and Tragedy

**Tension is when wife is pregnant! **  
**Terror is when girlfriend is pregnant! **  
**Horror is when both are pregnant! **  
**Tragedy is when you are not responsible for both! **

We are more valuable than any of the younger generations.

We have silver in our hair.  
We have gold in our teeth.  
We have stones in our kidneys.  
We have lead in our feet and,   
We are loaded with natural gas!

The Difference Between Complete & Finish

No English dictionary has been able to explain the difference between the two words 'complete' and 'finished' in a way that's so easy to understand:

Some people say there is no difference between COMPLETE & FINISHED but there is:

When you marry the right one, you are COMPLETE....

And when you marry the wrong one, you are FINISHED.....

And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are ...  
COMPLETELY FINISHED!!!

Brother-In-Law

A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store. The store clerks called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor. The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery.

He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital he was taken to. A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clip board loaded with several forms, and a pen. She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment.

"Do you have health insurance?" she asked.

He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."  
The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"  
He replied, "No money in the bank."  
"Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the irritated nun.  
He said, "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun."  
The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."  
The patient replied, "Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law."

Little Johnny Becomes Logical Johnny...Nevertheless He Strikes Again

During a Biology class, the teacher asked the class, "Why is it that during childhood girls tend to grow taller than guys?"

Little Johnny raised his hand. But the teacher ignores him knowing his naughtiness. As no one gives the answer and  
Little Johnny is holding his hand up, the teacher reluctantly gives in and asks him.

Little Johnny says, "That's because guys have balls and that weighs them down."

The teacher, a bit annoyed, responded, "Then why is it that at maturity guys tend to grow taller than girls?"

Little Johnny countered by saying, "That's because girls get breasts, and they are heavier than the guys' balls!!!!"

They Walk Among Us!

Some guy bought a new fridge for his house.

To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a Sign on it saying: 'Free to good home. You want it, you take it.'

For three days the fridge sat there without anyone looking twice.

He eventually decided that people were too mistrustful of this deal.

So he changed the sign to read: 'Fridge for sale $50.'  
The next day someone stole it!

They Walk Among Us!

One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when someone shouted.....  
'Look at that dead bird!' Someone looked up at the sky and said...'where?'

They Walk Among Us!

While looking at a house, my brother asked the Estate Agent which direction was north because he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning.  
She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the north?'  
My brother explained that the sun rises in the east and has for some time.

She shook her head and said, 'Oh, I don't keep up with all that stuff......'

They Walk Among Us!

My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria when we overheard an admin girl talking about the sunburn, she got on her weekend drive to the beach. She drove down in a convertible, but said she 'didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving'.

They Walk Among Us!

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car which is designed to cut through a seatbelt  
if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the car trunk.

They Walk Among Us!

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area and went to the lost luggage office and reported the loss.

The woman there smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and said I was in good hands.

'Now,' she asked me, 'Has your plane arrived yet?'... (I work with professionals like this.)

They Walk Among Us!

While working at a pizza parlour I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go.

He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into four pieces or six.

He thought about it for some time then said 'Just cut it into four pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat six pieces.

They Walk Among Us!

And last, but not least: Dumb as a box of Rocks  
A noted psychiatrist was a guest speaker at an academic function where Nancy Pelosi happened to appear. Ms. Pelosi took the opportunity to schmooze the good doctor a bit and asked him a question with which he was most at ease.

'Would you mind telling me, Doctor,' she asked, 'how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?'

'Nothing is easier,' he replied. 'You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If the person hesitates, that puts you on the track...'

'What sort of question?' asked Pelosi.

Well, you might ask, "Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?''

Pelosi thought a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, 'You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history.'

Sadly, they walk among us!

Why Sharks Circle Before Attacking?

Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship. "Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people. "First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did. "Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing." And they did. "Now we eat everybody." And they did.

When they were both gorged, the son asked," Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?"

His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the shit inside!"

Now you know!

Never Make a Woman Angry!

A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates and saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her,

"Hello. How are you! We've been waiting for you! Good to see you."

When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him,

"This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.

"Which word?" the woman asked. "Love."

The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.

About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.

While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.

"I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"

"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am. What a bummer! How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.

"Which word?" her husband asked.

"Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis", she replied.

Moral of the story: Never make a woman angry . . . there will be Hell to pay!

NB: The longest word currently listed in the Oxford dictionary is the supposed lung-disease pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis (45 letters).  
Now you've learned a new word.

A Fart

A fart is a pleasant thing,  
It gives the belly ease,  
It warms the bed in winter,  
And suffocates the fleas.

A fart can be quiet,  
A fart can be loud,  
Some leave a powerful,  
Poisonous cloud

A fart can be short,  
Or a fart can be long,  
Some farts have been known  
To sound like a song......

A fart can create  
A most curious medley,  
A fart can be harmless,  
Or silent, and deadly.

A fart might not smell,  
Or be terribly vile,  
A fart may pass quickly,  
Or linger a while......

A fart can occur  
In a number of places,  
And leave everyone there,  
With strange looks on their faces.

From wide-open prairie,  
To a small elevator,  
A fart will find all of  
Us sooner or later.

That farts are all bad,  
Is simply not true-  
We must never forget...  
Sweet old farts like you!   
Kinda brings a tear to your eye – right?  
Why not send this on to other old farts and bring a smile...or.... tear to them!

Gardening with Grandma

A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that! The teenager tells her 'Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You got to let your rose buds show!' And out she goes.

The next day the teenager comes down stairs, and the grand-mother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate. The grandmother says, 'Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your rose buds, then I can display my hanging baskets.

Judge Judy

Judge to prostitute: "So when did you realize you were raped?"

Prostitute, wiping away tears: "when the check bounced."

Health Message:

1. If walking/cycling is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.  
2. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water and is fat.  
3. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years.  
4. A tortoise doesn't run; does nothing. Yet it lives for 450 years.

AND YOU TELL ME TO EXERCISE!

Sex Life

Two men were talking. 'So, how's your sex life?'  
'Oh, nothing special. I'm having Pension sex.'  
'Pension sex?'  
'Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!'

Loud Sex~

A wife went in to see a therapist and said, 'I've got a big problem, doctor.  
Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, He lets out this ear-splitting yell.'

'My dear,' the shrink said, 'that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is.'  
'The problem is,' she complained, 'it wakes me up!'

Quick Sex~

Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session,  
'How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?'  
She glanced at him and replied, 'You're never home!'

Confounded Sex~

A man was in a terrible accident, and his 'manhood' was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic.  
The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for 'small, $6,500 for 'medium, and $14,000 for 'large.'

The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected.

'Well, what have the two of you decided?' asked the doctor.

'She'd rather remodel the kitchen.'

Wedding Anniversary Sex~

A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary The husband yelled, 'When you die, I'm getting You a headstone that reads:

'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'.'

'Yeah,' she replies, 'when you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:

'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'

Drink Order

A Utah Mormon was seated next to an Irish Catholic on a flight back to States from London. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.

The Irishman asked for a whiskey and a glass of Guinness, which were promptly brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink.

He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."

The Irishman then handed his drinks back to the attendant and said, "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice."

Husband & Wife

Husband: Oh, come on.  
Wife: Leave me alone!  
Husband: It won't take long.  
Wife: I won't be able to sleep afterwards.  
Husband: I can't sleep without it.  
Wife: Why do you think of things like this in the middle of the night?  
Husband: Because I'm hot.  
Wife: You get hot at the darnedest times.  
Husband: If you love me I wouldn't have to beg you.  
Wife: If you love me you'd be more considerate.  
Husband: You don't love me anymore.  
Wife: Yes I do, but let's forget it for tonight.  
Husband: Please...go on.  
Wife: All right, I'll do it.  
Husband: What's the matter? You need a flashlight?  
Wife: I can't find it in the dark.  
Husband: Oh, for heaven's sake, feel for it!  
Wife: There! Are you satisfied?  
Husband: Oh, yes.  
Wife: Is it up far enough?  
Husband: Yeah! That's good.  
Wife: Right! Now go to sleep.  
And the next time you want the bloody window open, do it yourself.

A Greek and an Italian

A Greek and an Italian were talking one day, discussing who had the superior culture over coffee, the Greek says "Well, we built the Parthenon." The Italian replies "We built the Coliseum."

The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to mathematics."

The Italian, nodding, says "But we built the Roman Empire."

And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion.

With a flourish of finality, he says, "We invented sex!"

The Italian replies, "That is true, but it was the Italians who included women!

Different professions... Different Instruction/expression ... could they carry the same meaning?

Doctor: "Please take off your clothes."  
Dentist: "Now open wide and hold still "  
Veterinarian: "How's your pretty pussy?"  
Gardener: "Want me to fertilize your bush?"  
Lawyer: "Let's go over section 69."  
Banker: "If you withdraw too early you lose interest."  
Chef: "Do you like it hot and spicy?"  
Police: "You don't need protection."  
Army personnel: "Load, Aim, Fire."  
Swimming instructor: "Go deeper."  
Gym trainer: "Push harder."  
Interior Decorator: "Once it's done, you will love it."  
Telephone Guy: "Would you like it on the table or against the wall!!  
Teacher: "Don't worry; you can do it all over again."

Traffic Camera

A man was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera. He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though he knew that he was not speeding... Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed. Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area again, but the traffic camera again flashed. He tried a fourth time with the same result... He did this a fifth time and was now laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past, this time at a snail's pace... Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt...

When U Black, U Black

This was written by a black gentleman in Texas and is so funny. What a great sense of humor... And creative!!!

When I was born, I was BLACK,  
When I grew up, I was BLACK,  
When I went in the sun, I stayed BLACK,  
When I got cold, I was BLACK,  
When I was scared, I was BLACK,  
When I was sick, I was BLACK,  
And when I die, I'll still be BLACK.

NOW, You 'white' folks......

When you're born, you're PINK,  
When you grow-up, you're WHITE,  
When you go in the sun, you get RED,  
When you're cold, you turn BLUE,  
When you're scared, you're YELLOW,  
When you get sick, you're GREEN  
When you bruise, you turn PURPLE,  
And when you die, you look GREY

So why y'all be callin' us COLORED Folks?

Professional Bank Robbers Vs. Intellectual Hackers!

A few years ago robbers entered a bank in a small town in USA.

One of the Robbers shouted: "Don't move, all down on ground! The money belongs to the bank. Your lives belong to you."

Immediately all the people in the bank laid on the floor quietly and without panic.

This is an example of how the correct wording of a sentence can make everyone change their view of the world.

One woman laid on the floor in a provocative manner.

The robber approached her saying, "Ma'am, this is a robbery not a rape. Please behave accordingly."

This is an example of how to behave professionally, and focus on the goal.

While running from the bank the youngest robber (who had a college degree) said to the oldest robber (who had barely finished elementary school): "Hey, maybe we should count how much we stole?"

The older man replied: "Don't be stupid. It's a lot of money so let's wait for the news on TV to find out how much money was taken from the bank."

This is an example of how life experience is more important than a degree.

After the robbery, the manager of the bank said to his accountant: "Let's call the cops and tell them how much has been stolen."

"Wait", said the Accountant, "before we do that, let's add the $800,000 we took for ourselves a few months ago and just say that it was stolen as part of today's robbery."

This is an example of taking advantage of an opportunity.

The following day it was reported in the news that the bank was robbed of $ 3 million. The robbers counted the money, but they found only $1 million so they started to grumble.  
"We risked our lives for $1 million, while the bank's management robbed two million dollars without blinking? Maybe it's better to learn how to work the system, instead of being a simple robber."

This is an example of how knowledge can be more useful than power.

Moral: Give a person a gun, and he can rob a bank. Give a person a bank, and he can rob everyone.

God's Promise

... and God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world...

Then He made the earth round and laughed.

Marriage and Marijuana

For those who haven't heard, Washington State just passed both laws - gay marriage and legalized marijuana.

The fact that gay marriage and marijuana were legalized on the same day makes perfect biblical sense because, Leviticus 20:13 says, "If a man lies with another man they should be stoned."

We just hadn't interpreted it correctly before!

Weekend bashing...

It is very true about what the listener perceives in real situation

Singh was traveling in a crowded bus. He was carrying the passport-size photograph of his son for college admission. Accidentally, the photograph dropped down from his pocket. He started searching for it frantically & found it on the floor below the ends of a woman's sari. He asked her, "Can you lift your sari? I wanna take photograph"...

THE REST IS HISTORY...

He was beaten so badly that he had to be admitted to hospital. He was surprised to see Jaswan Singh on the next bed to him in a worse condition.

Jaswan explained what happened to him. He had gone to a remote village to work. He finished late & missed the last bus. He couldn't find any hotel nearby. So, he approached a nearby house & asked the owner whether he can stay there for a night.

The owner replied "I have 2 grown-up daughters. Sorry, you can't stay here."

Then he approached the next house and asked the owner whether he can stay there for a night. The owner too replied "I have 3 grown-up daughters. Sorry u can't stay here."

So he went to the next house & asked "Do you have grown-up daughters?"  
The owner asked "Why?" and Jaswan replied, "I want to stay for a night."

THE REST IS HISTORY... boommmmmmmmmmmmm..!!!

The moral of the story is: Words can sometimes get you into deep trouble if you don't use them correctly understood by the recipient ears.

Fart in Public

Subject: When you fart in public

The American will say: "excuse me"  
The Englishman "pardon me"  
Singaporean: "forgive me"  
Malaysian: "Not me, not me"

Pathan Doesn't Pay

One fine day, a bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus, and drove off along the route. No problems for the first few stops \- a few people got on, a few got off, and things went generally well.

At the next stop, however, a big hulk of a Pathan got in. Six feet four, built like a wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground. He glared at the conductor and said, "Pathan doesn't pay!" and sat down at the back.

Conductor didn't argue with Pathan, but he wasn't happy about it. The next day the same thing happened. Pathan got on again, made a show of refusing to pay, and sat down. And the next day, and the next.

This grated on the bus driver, who started losing sleep over the way Pathan was taking advantage of poor conductor. Finally, he could stand it no longer. He signed up for body building courses, karate, judo, and all that good stuff.

By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong; what's more, he felt really good about himself. So, on the next Monday, when Pathan once again got on the bus and said, "Pathan doesn't pay!"

The driver stood up, glared back at Pathan, and screamed, "And why not?"

With a surprised look on his face, Pathan replied, "Pathan has a bus pass."

Moral: Be sure there is a problem in the first place before working hard to solve one.

Q &A Type

Q: What is the similarity between a wife and a chewing gum?  
A: Both are sweet in the beginning but become tasteless and shapeless later

Q: My dad told me that if Adam and Eve were Chinese, we would be still in  
Paradise. Why?  
A: Because they would have eaten the snake instead of the bloody apple!

Amdan the Intelligent Kid

Judge: Don't U have shame? It is the 3rd time U R coming to court.  
Amdan to judge: U R coming daily, don't U have shame?

Son: What is difference between Orange and Apple?  
Amdan: Color of Orange is orange, but color of Apple is not Apple.

Amdan in airplane going to Bombay ...  
While it is landing, he shouted: "Bombay ... Bombay "  
Air hostess said: "Be silent."  
Amdan: "Ok. Ombay. Ombay"

Exam Questions

These are genuine answers (from 16-year-olds). These people will be voting in a few years!!

Q. Name the four seasons  
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. How is dew formed?  
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?  
A. If you are buying a house, they will insist that you are well endowed

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections  
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

Q. What are steroids?  
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?  
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery (So true)

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes  
A. Premature death

Q. What is artificial insemination?  
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour?  
A. Keep it in the cow (Simple, but brilliant)

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorized (e.g. The abdomen)  
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A,E,I,O,U

Q. What is the fibula?  
A. A small lie

Q. What does 'varicose' mean?  
A. Nearby

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'  
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

Q. What is a seizure?  
A. A Roman Emperor... (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)

Q. What is a terminal illness?  
A. When you are sick at the airport.

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?  
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight

Q. What is a turbine?  
A. Something an Arab or Shriek wears on his head. Once an Arab boy reaches puberty, he removes his diaper and wraps it around his head.

Daddy, how was I born?

A little boy goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born?'

The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then, I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-café. We sneaked into a secluded room and googled each other. There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button , nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:

'You got Male!

Oh! Boy

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Rose (Age 28) was having trouble with one of her students

The teacher asked, "Boy what is your problem?"

Boy answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"

Ms. Rose had enough. She took Boy to the Principal's office. The principal told Ms. Rose he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions, he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. She agreed.

Boy was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he  
agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3x3?"

Boy: "9"

Principal: "What is 6x6?"

Boy: "36"

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know. The principal looks at Ms. Rose and tells her, "I think Boy can go to the third-grade."

Ms. Rose says to the principal, "I have some of my own questions. Can I ask him?" The principal and Boy both agree.

Ms. Rose asks: "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?

Boy, after a moment: "Legs"!

Ms. Rose: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

Boy: "Pockets"!

Ms. Rose: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?" The Principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Boy was taking charge.

Boy: Bubblegum

Ms. Rose: "What does a man do standing, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?" The Principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer...

Boy: Shake hands

Ms. Rose: "Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?"

Boy: "Yep"

Ms. Rose: "You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first." The Principal was looking restless, a bit tense and took one large Patiala Vodka peg.  
Boy: "Wedding Ring"

Ms. Rose: "I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good."

Boy: "Nose"

Ms. Rose: "I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver."

Boy: "Arrow"

Ms. Rose: "What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' that means lot of heat and excitement?"

Boy: "Firetruck"

Ms. Rose: "What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' & if u don't get it u have to use your hand"

Boy: "Fork"

Ms. Rose: "What is it that all men have one of its longer on some men than on others, the pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife after they're married?"

Boy: "SURNAME"

Ms. Rose: "What part of the man has no bone but has muscles, has lots  
of veins, like pumping, & is responsible for making love?"

Boy: "HEART"

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher,

"Send this Boy to University, I got the last ten questions wrong myself!"

Globalization

Question: What is the truest definition of Globalization?  
Answer: Princess Diana's death.

Question: How come?  
Answer : An English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a French tunnel, riding in a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian who was drunk on Scottish whisky, followed closely by Italian Paparazzi, on Japanese motorcycles, treated by an American doctor, using Brazilian medicines.

This is sent to you by a Canadian, using American Bill Gates' technology, and you're probably reading this on your computer, that uses Taiwanese chips, and a Korean monitor, assembled by Bangladeshi workers in a Singapore plant, transported by Indian truck drivers, hijacked by Indonesians, unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen, and trucked to you by Mexican illegals.....

That, my friends, is Globalization!

Raman and Narayan

During work, Raman and Narayan were chatting:

Raman: Narayan, I've been attending night classes for 5 months now and I have an exam next week.  
Narayan: oh!

Raman: For example, do you know who is Graham Bell?  
Narayan: No

Raman: He's the inventor of the phone in 1876; if you take night courses you would know this. The next day, the same discussion took place:

Raman: Do you know who Alexander Dumas is?  
Narayan: No

Raman: He's the author of "The 3 Musketeers", if you take night courses, you would know this.

The next day, once again:

Raman: And do you know who Jean Jacques Rousseau is?  
Narayan: No

Raman: He's the author of "Confessions", if you take night courses, you would know this.

This time, Narayan got irritated and said: And you, do you know who is Balakrishnan Kuppuswamy?  
Raman: No

Narayan: He's the guy who's screwing your wife!! If you stop night courses, you would know this.

Stupid Question, Excellent Answer!

For those that don't know him, Major General Peter Cosgrove is an Australian.

General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio recently. Read his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you have to love this! This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. In a portion of an ABC radio interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military Headquarters.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL COSGROVE: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL COSGROVE: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL COSGROVE: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL COSGROVE: Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

The radiocast went silent for 46 seconds and when it returned, this interview was over.

Health Advice

A Healing Miracle for Burns

A young man sprinkling his lawn and bushes with pesticides wanted to check the contents of the barrel to see how much pesticide remained in it.

He raised the cover and lit his lighter; the vapors ignited and engulfed him. He jumped from his truck, screaming.

His neighbor came out of her house with a dozen eggs and a bowl yelling: "bring me some more eggs!"

She broke them, separating the whites from the yolks. The neighbor woman helped her to apply the whites onto the young man's face.

When the ambulance arrived and the EMTs saw the young man, they asked who had done this.

Everyone pointed to the lady in charge.

They congratulated her and said: "You have saved his face."

By the end of the summer, the young man brought the lady a bouquet of roses to thank her. His face was like a baby's skin.

Benefits of Walking

The human body is made to walk. Walking 30 minutes a day cuts the rate of people becoming diabetic by more than half and it cuts the risk of people over 60 becoming diabetic by almost 70 percent.

Walking cuts the risk of stroke by more than 25 percent.

Walking reduces hypertension. The body has over 100,000 miles of blood vessels. Those blood vessels are more supple and healthier when we walk.

Walking cuts the risk of cancer as well as diabetes and stroke.

Women who walk have a 20 percent lower likelihood of getting breast cancer and a 31 percent lower risk of getting colon cancer.

Women with breast cancer who walk regularly can reduce their recurrence rate and their mortality rate by over 50 percent.

The human body works better when we walk. The body resists diseases better when we walk, and the body heals faster when we walk.

We don't have to walk a lot. Thirty minutes a day has a huge impact on our health.

Men who walk thirty minutes a day have a significantly lower level of prostate cancer. Men who walk regularly have a 60 percent lower risk of colon cancer.

For men with prostate cancer, studies have shown that walkers have a 46 percent lower mortality rate.

Walking also helps prevent depression, and people who walk regularly are more likely to see improvements in their depression.

In one study, people who walked and took medication scored twice as well in 30 days as the women who only took the medication. Another study showed that depressed people who walked regularly had a significantly higher level of not being depressed in a year compared to depressed people who did not walk. The body generates endorphins when we walk. Endorphins help us feel good.

Walking strengthens the heart. Walking strengthens bones. Walking improves the circulatory system.

Walking generates positive neurochemicals. Healthy eating is important but dieting can trigger negative neurochemicals and can be hard to do.

Walking generates positive neurochemicals. People look forward to walking and enjoy walking.

And research shows that fit beats fat for many people. Walking half an hour a day has health benefits that exceed the benefits of losing 20 pounds.

When we walk every day, our bodies are healthier and stronger. A single 30 minute walk can reduce blood pressure by five points for over 20 hours.

Walking reduces the risk of blood clots in your legs.

People who walk regularly have much lower risk of deep vein thrombosis.

People who walk are less likely to catch colds, and when people get colds, walkers have a 46 percent shorter symptom time from their colds.

Walking improves the health of our blood, as well. Walking is a good boost of high density cholesterol and people with high levels of HDL are less likely to have heart attacks and stroke.

Walking significantly diminishes the risk of hip fracture and the need for gallstone surgery is 20 to 31 percent lower for walkers.

Walking is the right thing to do. The best news is that the 30 minutes doesn't have to be done in one lump of time. Two 15-minute walks achieve the same goals. Three 10-minute walks achieve most of those goals.

We can walk 15 minutes in the morning and 15 minutes at night and achieve our walking goals.

Walking feels good. It helps the body heal. It keeps the body healthy. It improves our biological health, our physical health, our psycho-social health, and helps with our emotional health. Walking can literally add years entire years to your life.

Its good to walk.  
Be good to yourself.  
Be good to your body.

ALL ACCU-PRESSURE POINTS ARE IN THE SOLE OF UR FEET...JUST LIKE UR HANDS !!

Health Benefits of Honey and Cinnamon

Whoever discovered:   
Honey is the only food on the planet that will not spoil or rot. What it will do is what some call 'turning to sugar'. In reality, honey is always honey. However, when left in a cool dark place for a long time it will "crystallize". When this happens, loosen the lid, boil some water and sit the honey container in the hot water, but turn off the heat and let it liquefy naturally. It is then as good as it ever was. Never boil honey or put it in a microwave. This will kill the enzymes in the honey.

Facts of Honey and Cinnamon Combination:  
It is found that a mixture of honey and Cinnamon cures most diseases. Honey is produced in most of the countries of the world. Scientists of today also accept honey as a 'Ram Ban' (very effective) medicine for all kinds of diseases. Honey can be used without side effects for any kind of diseases. Today's science says that even though honey is sweet, when it is taken in the right dosage as a medicine, it does not harm even diabetic patients. Weekly World News, a magazine in Canada, in its issue dated 17 January, 1995 has given the following list of diseases that can be cured by honey and cinnamon, as researched by western scientists.

Heart Diseases:  
Make a paste of honey and cinnamon powder, apply it on bread instead of jelly and jam and eat it regularly for breakfast. It reduces the cholesterol in the arteries and saves the patient from heart attack. Also, those who have already had an attack, when they do this process daily they are kept miles away from the next attack. Regular use of the above process relieves loss of breath and strengthens the heartbeat. In America and Canada, various nursing homes have treated patients successfully and have found that as one ages the arteries and veins lose their flexibility and get clogged; honey and cinnamon revitalize the arteries and the veins.

Arthritis:  
Arthritis patients may take daily (morning and night) one cup of hot water with two tablespoons of honey and one small teaspoon of cinnamon powder. When taken regularly even chronic arthritis can be cured. In a recent research conducted at the Copenhagen University, it was found that when the doctors treated their patients with a mixture of one tablespoon Honey and half teaspoon Cinnamon powder before breakfast, they found that within a week (out of the 200 people so treated) practically 73 patients were totally relieved of pain -- and within a month, most all the patients who could not walk or move around because of arthritis now started walking without pain.

Bladder Infections:  
Take two tablespoons of cinnamon powder and one teaspoon of honey in a glass of lukewarm water and drink it. It destroys the germs in the bladder.

Cholesterol:  
Two tablespoons of honey and three teaspoons of Cinnamon Powder mixed in 16 ounces of tea water given to a cholesterol patient was found to reduce the level of cholesterol in the blood by 10 percent within two hours. As mentioned for arthritic patients, when taken three times a day, any chronic cholesterol is cured. According to information received in the said Journal, pure honey taken with food daily relieves complaints of cholesterol.

Colds:  
Those suffering from common or severe colds should take one tablespoon lukewarm honey with 1/4 spoon cinnamon powder daily for three days. This process will cure most chronic cough, cold, and, clear the sinuses.

Upset Stomach:  
Honey taken with cinnamon powder cures stomach ache and also clears stomach ulcers from its root.

Gas:  
According to the studies done in India and Japan , it is revealed that when Honey is taken with cinnamon powder the stomach is relieved of gas.

Immune System:  
Daily use of honey and cinnamon powder strengthens the immune system and protects the body from bacterial and viral attacks. Scientists have found that honey has various vitamins and iron in large amounts. Constant use of Honey strengthens the white blood corpuscles (where DNA is contained) to fight bacterial and viral diseases.

Indigestion:  
Cinnamon powder sprinkled on two tablespoons of honey taken before food is eaten relieves acidity and digests the heaviest of meals.

Influenza:  
A scientist in Spain has proved that honey contains a natural 'Ingredient' which kills the influenza germs and saves the patient from flu.

Longevity:  
Tea made with honey and cinnamon powder, when taken regularly, arrests the ravages of old age. Use four teaspoons of honey, one teaspoon of cinnamon powder, and three cups of water and boil to make a tea. Drink 1/4 cup, three to four times a day. It keeps the skin fresh and soft and arrests old age. Life spans increase and even a 100-year-old will start performing the chores of a 20-year-old.

Raspy or Sore Throat:  
When throat has a tickle or is raspy, take one tablespoon of honey and sip until gone. Repeat every three hours until throat is without symptoms.

Pimples:  
Three tablespoons of honey and one teaspoon of cinnamon powder paste. Apply this paste on the pimples before sleeping and wash it off the next morning with warm water. When done daily for two weeks, it removes all pimples from the root.

Skin Infections:  
Applying honey and cinnamon powder in equal parts on the affected parts cures eczema, ringworm and all types of skin infections.

Weight Loss:  
Daily in the morning one half hour before breakfast and on an empty stomach, and at night before sleeping, drink honey and cinnamon powder boiled in one cup of water. When taken regularly, it reduces the weight of even the most obese person. Also, drinking this mixture regularly does not allow the fat to accumulate in the body even though the person may eat a high calorie diet.

Cancer:  
Recent research in Japan and Australia has revealed that advanced cancer of the stomach and bones have been cured successfully. Patients suffering from these kinds of cancer should daily take one tablespoon of honey with one teaspoon of cinnamon powder three times a day for one month.

Fatigue:  
Recent studies have shown that the sugar content of honey is more helpful rather than being detrimental to the strength of the body. Senior citizens who take honey and cinnamon powder in equal parts are more alert and flexible. Dr. Milton, who has done research, says that a half tablespoon of honey taken in a glass of water and sprinkled with cinnamon powder, even when the vitality of the body starts to decrease, when taken daily after brushing and in the afternoon at about 3:00 P.M., the vitality of the body increases within a week.

Bad Breath:  
People of South America, gargle with one teaspoon of honey and cinnamon powder mixed in hot water first thing in the morning so their breath stays fresh throughout the day.

Hearing Loss:  
Daily morning and night honey and cinnamon powder, taken in equal parts restores hearing. Remember when we were kids? We had toast with real butter and cinnamon sprinkled on it!

Aspirin Information

To add to your body of body knowledge:

Dr. Virend Somers, a cardiologist from the Mayo Clinic who is lead author of the report in the July 29, 2008 issue of the Journal of the American College of Cardiology.

Most heart attacks occur in the day, generally between 6 A.M. and noon, Somers said. Having one during the night, when the heart should be most at rest, means that something unusual happened. Somers and his colleagues have been working for a decade to show that sleep apnea is to blame.

If you take an aspirin or a baby aspirin once a day, take it at night. The reason: aspirin has a 24-hour "half-life". Therefore, if most heart attacks happen in the wee hours of the morning, the aspirin would be strongest in your system.

FYI, aspirin lasts a really long time in your medicine chest...years. (When it gets old, it smells like vinegar.)

Why keep aspirin by your bedside?

About Heart Attacks

There are other symptoms of a heart attack besides the pain on the left arm.   
One must also be aware of an intense pain on the chin, as well as nausea and lots of sweating, however these symptoms may also occur less frequently.

Note: There may be NO pain in the chest during a heart attack.

The majority of people (about 60%) who had a heart attack during their sleep; did not wake up. However, if it occurs, the chest pain may wake you up from your deep sleep.

If that happens, immediately dissolve two aspirins in your mouth and swallow them with a bit of water.  
Afterwards:  
-call emergency number  
- phone a neighbor or a family member who lives very close by  
-say "heart attack!"  
-say that you have taken 2 aspirins.  
-take a seat on a chair or sofa near the front door, and wait for their arrival and...do NOT lie down

Food as Medicine

HEADACHE? EAT FISH!   
Eat plenty of fish -- fish oil helps prevent headaches. So does ginger, which reduces inflammation and pain.

HAY FEVER? EAT YOGURT!   
Eat lots of yogurt before pollen season. Also-eat honey from your area (local region) daily.

TO PREVENT STROKE DRINK TEA!   
Prevent build-up of fatty deposits on artery walls with regular doses of tea. (Actually, tea suppresses appetite and keeps the pounds from invading.... Green tea is great for our immune system)!

INSOMNIA (CAN'T SLEEP?) HONEY!   
Use honey as a tranquilizer and sedative.

ASTHMA? EAT ONIONS!!!!   
Eating onions helps ease constriction of bronchial tubes. (Onion packs place on chest helped the respiratory ailments and actually made breathing better).

ARTHRITIS? EAT FISH, TOO!!   
Salmon, tuna, mackerel and sardines actually prevent arthritis. (Fish has omega oils, good for our immune system)

UPSET STOMACH? BANANAS - GINGER!!!!!   
Bananas will settle an upset stomach. Ginger will cure morning sickness and nausea.

BLADDER INFECTION? DRINK CRANBERRY JUICE!!!!   
High-acid cranberry juice controls harmful bacteria.

BONE PROBLEMS? EAT PINEAPPLE!!!   
Bone fractures and osteoporosis can be prevented by the manganese in pineapple.

MEMORY PROBLEMS? EAT OYSTERS!   
Oysters help improve your mental functioning by supplying much-needed zinc.

COLDS? EAT GARLIC!   
Clear up that stuffy head with garlic. (Remember, garlic lowers cholesterol, too.)

COUGHING? USE RED PEPPERS!!   
A substance similar to that found in the cough syrups is found in hot red pepper. Use red (cayenne) pepper with caution-it can irritate your tummy.

BREAST CANCER? EAT Wheat, bran and cabbage. Helps to maintain oestrogen at healthy levels.

LUNG CANCER? EAT DARK GREEN AND ORANGE AND VEGGIES!!!   
A good antidote is beta carotene, a form of Vitamin A found in dark green and orange vegetables.

ULCERS? EAT CABBAGE ALSO!!!   
Cabbage contains chemicals that help heal both gastric and duodenal ulcers.

DIARRHEA? EAT APPLES!   
Grate an apple with its skin, let it turn brown and eat it to cure this condition. (Bananas are good for this ailment)

CLOGGED ARTERIES? EAT AVOCADO!   
Mono unsaturated fat in avocados lowers cholesterol.

HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE? EAT CELERY AND OLIVE OIL!!!   
Olive oil has been shown to lower blood pressure. Celery contains a chemical that lowers pressure too.

BLOOD SUGAR IMBALANCE? EAT BROCCOLI AND PEANUTS!!!   
The chromium in broccoli and peanuts helps regulate insulin and blood sugar.

Kiwi: Tiny but mighty. This is a good source of potassium, magnesium, Vitamin E & fibre. Its Vitamin C content is twice that of an orange.

Apple: An apple a day keeps the doctor away? Although an apple has a low Vitamin C content, it has antioxidants & flavonoids which enhances the activity of Vitamin C thereby helping to lower the risks of colon cancer, heart attack & stroke..

Strawberry: Protective fruit. Strawberries have the highest total antioxidant power among major fruits & protect the body from cancer causing, blood vessels clogging free radicals. (Actually, any berry is good for you they're high in anti-oxidants and they actually keep us young...blueberries are the best and very versatile in the health field...they get rid of all the free-radicals that invade our bodies)

Orange: Sweetest medicine. Taking 2 - 4 oranges a day may help keep colds away, lower cholesterol, prevent & dissolve kidney stones as well as lessen the risk of colon cancer.

Watermelon: Coolest Thirst Quencher. Composed of 92% water, it is also packed with a giant dose of glutathione which helps boost our immune system. They are also a key source of lycopene - the cancer fighting oxidant. Other nutrients found in watermelon are Vitamin C & Potassium. (Watermelon also has natural substances [natural SPF sources] that keep our skin healthy, protecting our skin from those darn UV rays)

Guava & Papaya: Top awards for Vitamin C. They are the clear winners for their high Vitamin C content. Guava is also rich in fibre which helps prevent constipation.

Papaya is rich in carotene; this is good for your eyes. (Also good for gas and indigestion)

Tomatoes are very good as a preventative measure for men, keeps those prostrate problems from invading their bodies...GOOD AS MEDICINE.

Could hot cocoa be the next "wonder drug", for high blood pressure?   
Harvard researchers praise stunningly simple discovery!

According to recent estimates, nearly 1-in-3 American adults have high blood pressure. But for the Kuna Indians living on a group of islands off the Caribbean coast of Panama, hypertension doesn't even exist. In fact, after age 60, the average blood pressure for Kuna Indian islanders is a perfect 110/70.

Is it because they eat less salt? No. Kuna Indians eat as much, if not more salt, than people in the U.S. Is it due to their genes? No. Kuna Indians who move away from the islands are just as likely to suffer from high blood pressure as anyone else! So, what makes these folks practically "immune" to hypertension -- and lets them enjoy much lower death rates from heart attacks, strokes, diabetes, and cancer?

Harvard researchers were stunned to discover it's because they drink about 5 cups of cocoa each day. That's right, cocoa! Studies show the flavanols in cocoa stimulate your body's production of nitric oxide \-- boosting blood flow to your heart, brain, and other organs. In fact, one study found cocoa thins your blood just as well as low-dose aspirin! But that's not all. A Harvard Medical School professor claims cocoa can also treat blocked arteries, congestive heart failure, stroke, dementia, even impotence!

Painless cholesterol cure works in just 7 days -- and drives the "food police" crazy!

Want to lower your cholesterol so fast it'll make your head spin? It's a breeze, just eat guacamole -- or any dish containing avocados!

Most health experts and nutritionists will tell you this rich, delicious Mexican dish is BANNED from any cholesterol- watcher's menu. But not Dr. Steven Pratt! That's because new research shows eating avocados can lower your cholesterol even faster than drugs...without the side effects! One study found after just 7 days on a diet including avocados, LDL ("bad") cholesterol and triglyceride levels dropped by 22 percent. Meanwhile, HDL ("good") cholesterol shot up 11 percent -- something most cholesterol - lowering drugs won't do!

The cinnamon cure for high blood sugar:

Sprinkle a little cinnamon on your toast, cereal, oatmeal, or sliced apples. It not only tastes good, it lowers your blood sugar! In a recent study, people reduced their blood sugar levels by as much as 29 percent in just 40 days. That's with NO drugs, NO diet changes -- just plain old cinnamon!

The fat that blasts away cancer:

You've been told cancer runs in families. You've been told what to eat and what NOT to eat -- including LESS fat.

Yet Dr. Steven Pratt says there's one fat you should eat MORE of. It's the monounsaturated fat called oleic acid, found in olive oil! It should come as no surprise. After all, olive oil is a staple of the Mediterranean diet. And people in Spain and Greece are far less likely to develop cancer than in the U.S. But what's really interesting is how olive oil not only prevents cancer, it blasts away cancer cells that already exist! So if you're even the slightest bit worried about cancer, this is one Super Food you don't want to be without!

NEW prostate-protecting champ trumps tomatoes!

Unless you've been asleep under a rock for the past decade, you've heard the news about tomatoes. They contain a potent antioxidant called lycopene that's been proven to reduce the risk of certain cancers -- in particular, prostate cancer.

A famous Harvard study back in 1995 found that out of 48,000 men surveyed, those who ate 10 or more servings of tomatoes a week reduced their risk of prostate cancer by more than one-third. What's more, they lowered their risk of aggressive prostate tumours (the kind that are really tough to treat) by HALF! But before you reach for that slice of pizza or bottle of ketchup, listen up. What if I told you about a sweet, refreshing food Dr. Steven Pratt recommends that's even better for your prostate than tomatoes? This NEW prostate protecting champ is watermelon! Ounce for ounce, watermelon is even richer in lycopene than tomatoes. And since you probably eat more watermelon in one sitting than you do tomatoes, you don't have to gorge on it 10 times a week in order to slash your cancer risk! Just a few times a week should do it.

Knock out an ulcer with broccoli?!

About 25 million Americans will suffer from a peptic ulcer at some point in their lives. To get rid of their ulcers, most will take an antibiotic like amoxicillin. Pretty tame stuff, right? Wrong! Amoxicillin can bring with it unwanted side effects like fever, nausea, stomach pain, diarrhoea, headache, even a yucky condition called "hairy tongue"! And if you think that's bad, according to the Centers for Disease Control (CDC), the cost of treating an ulcer with antibiotics over an average 17-day period can run upward of $1,000!

Fortunately, there's one unconventional treatment with NO side effects Dr. Pratt swears by. "Eat broccoli!" he says. Why?  
Broccoli contains a remarkably potent compound called sulforaphane, that kills off the H. pylori bacteria that cause most ulcers. Not only can it knock out an ulcer, eating one serving a day for a month might run you 20 bucks...a fraction of the cost of drugs.

Coconut water

1. The best thing about this beverage is that it contains Zero Cholesterol. It contains minerals like Calcium, Manganese, Iron, Zinc, Magnesium, Phosphorus, Sodium and Potassium. It also contains vitamins like Riboflavin, Thiamine and Vitamin C. All these nutrients make coconut a very potent health drink. It is more nutritious than milk, as it has less fats and no cholesterol.

2. Research studies suggest that Cytokinins (e.g., kinetin and trans-zeatin) in coconut water showed significant Anti-Carcinogen ic and Anti-Thrombotic and Anti-Ageing Effects.

3. It is used as intravenous saline fluid in many developing countries and has saved many lives.

The reason that it's possible to be used that way is its composition, which is quite identical to Human Blood Plasma.

4. Coconut water, by its very nature is an Isotonic Beverage. That is, it has the perfect balance of electrolytes in it, which is good for our body due to its right PH Levels.

5. It is an excellent Energy Drink for the old and the sick, who find it difficult to process solid food. It is a Natural Fluid designed to Sustain Life.

Note: When my dogs are sick, I give them coconut drink. The dogs get well.

6. It is better than many processed baby milk products, as it contains lauric acid which is an important ingredient of Mother's Milk. This natural beverage can effectively treat Disturbance of the İntestine in İnfants.

7. Anti-Ulcer Properties: Both coconut milk and coconut water exhibit potent anti-ulcer activity against chemicals such as indomethacin, a Non-Steroidal Anti-Inflammatory Drug (NSAID).

8. Blood-Pressuring Lowering Properties: When human subjects consumed coconut water for two weeks, it was found to lower blood pressure in 74% of the experimental group, reducing it by up to 24 points (mmHg) systolic and 15 points (mmHg) diastolic.

9. Anti-Alzheimer's Properties: in an animal model of ovariectomy-induced menopausal changes, coconut water appeared to prevent the decline of brain estrogen (estradiol) levels, as well as the associated accumulation of Alzheimer's disease associated β-amyloid (Aβ) plaque in their brains.

10. Anti-Bacterial Properties: Three novel antimicrobial peptides have been identified in coconut water which exhibited inhibitory activity against both Gram-positive and Gram-negative bacteria.

11. Anti-Gastroenteritis Agent: When sodium is added (ideally sea salt) coconut water has been determined to be an ideal rehydrating agent in countries where medical supplies are not freely available, and where, say, cholera and other severe forms of gastroenteritis persist.

12. Ultimately, coconut makes for an excellent alternative to Sports Drinks, which are increasingly comprised of synthetic ingredients.

13. Its water is also a very good source of B-Complex Vitamins such as Riboflavin, Niacin, Thiamin, Pyridoxine, and Folates. These vitamins are essential in the sense that body requires them from external sources to replenish.

14. A few friends and colleagues' wives who are cancer sufferers testify that they take coconut drink to COOL their bodies after their chemotherapy sessions.

NOTE: IF you buy Coconut water, please look at the ingredients ... should be 100% pure coconut water... nothing else ... no sugar, not anything else.

The Main Causes of Liver Damage:

1. Sleeping too late and waking up too late are main cause.   
2. Not urinating in the morning.   
3. Too much eating.   
4. Skipping breakfast.   
5. Consuming too much medication.   
6. Consuming too much preservatives, additives, food coloring, and artificial sweetener.   
7. Consuming unhealthy cooking oil.   
As much as possible reduce cooking oil when frying, which includes even the best cooking oils like olive oil. Do not consume fried foods when you are tired, except if the body is very fit.  
8. Consuming raw (overly done) foods also add to the burden of liver.   
Veggies should be eaten raw or cooked 3-5 parts. Fried veggies should be finished in one sitting, do not store.

We should prevent this without necessarily spending more. We just have to adopt a good daily lifestyle and eating habits. Maintaining good eating habits and time condition are very important for our bodies to absorb and get rid of unnecessary chemicals according to 'schedule.

The Top Five Cancer-causing Foods

1. Hot Dogs   
Because they are high in nitrates, the Cancer Prevention Coalition advises that children eat no more than 12 hot dogs a month. If you can't live without hot dogs, buy those made without sodium nitrate.

2. Processed meats and Bacon Also high in the same sodium nitrates found in hot dogs, bacon, and other processed meats raise the risk of heart disease. The saturated fat in bacon also contributes to cancer.

3. Doughnuts   
Doughnuts are cancer-causing double trouble. First, they are made with white flour, sugar, and hydrogenated oils, then fried at high temperatures. Doughnuts may be the worst food you can possibly eat to raise your risk of cancer.

4. French fries   
Like doughnuts, French fries are made with hydrogenated oils and then fried at high temperatures. They also contain cancer- causing acryl amides which occur during the frying process. They should be called cancer fries, not French fries.

5. Chips, crackers, and cookies All are usually made with white flour and sugar. Even the ones whose labels claim to be free of trans-fats generally contain small amounts of trans-fats.

Eating Fruits...

We all think eating fruits means just buying fruits, cutting it and just popping it into our mouths. It's not as easy as you think. It's important to know how and *when* to eat. What is the correct way of eating fruits?

It means not eating fruits after your meals! Fruits should be eaten on empty stomach. If you eat fruit like that, it will play a major role to detoxify your system, supplying you with a great deal of energy for weight loss and other life activities.

Fruit is the most important food:

Let's say you eat two slices of bread and then a slice of fruit. The slice of fruit is ready to go straight through the stomach into the intestines, but it is prevented from doing so.

In the meantime the whole meal rots and ferments and turns to acid. The minute the fruit comes into contact with the food in the stomach and digestive juices, the entire mass of food begins to spoil...

So please eat your fruits on an *empty* *stomach* or before your meals! You have heard people complaining - every time I eat watermelon I burp, when I eat durian my stomach bloats up, when I eat a banana, I feel like running to the toilet, etc. - actually all this will not arise if you eat the fruit on an empty stomach. The fruit mixes with the putrefying other food and produces gas and hence you will bloat!

Greying hair, balding, nervous outburst and dark circles under the eyes all these will *NOT* happen if you take fruits on an empty stomach.

There is no such thing as some fruits, like orange and lemon are acidic, because all fruits become alkaline in our body, according to Dr. Herbert Shelton who did research on this matter. If you have mastered the correct way of eating fruits, you have the Secret of beauty, longevity, health, energy, happiness and normal weight. When you need to drink fruit juice, drink only "fresh fruit juice"; NOT from the cans. Don't even drink juice that has been heated up. Don't eat cooked fruits because you don't get the nutrients at all. You only get to taste. Cooking destroys all the vitamins. But eating a whole fruit is better than drinking the juice. If you should drink the juice, drink it mouthful by mouthful slowly, because you must let it mix with your saliva before swallowing it. You can go on a 3-day fruit fast to cleanse your body. Just eat fruits and drink fruit juice throughout the 3 days and you will be surprised when your friends tell you how radiant you look!

KIWI: Tiny but mighty. This is a good source of potassium, magnesium, vitamin E & fiber. Its vitamin C content is twice that of an orange. APPLE: An apple a day keeps the doctor away? Although an apple has a low vitamin C content, it has antioxidants & flavonoids which enhances the activity of vitamin C thereby helping to lower the risks of colon cancer, heart attack & stroke.

STRAWBERRY: Protective Fruit. Strawberries have the highest total antioxidant power among major fruits & protect the body from cancer-causing, blood vessel-clogging free radicals.

ORANGE: Sweetest medicine. Taking 2-4 orange a day may help keep colds away, lower cholesterol prevent & dissolve kidney stones as well as lessens the risk of colon cancer.

WATERMELON: Coolest thirst quencher. Composed of 92% water, it is also packed with a giant dose of glutathione, which helps boost our immune system. They are also a key source of lycopene - the cancer fighting oxidant. Other nutrients found in watermelon are vitamin C & Potassium.

GUAVA & PAPAYA: Top awards for vitamin C. They are the clear winners for their high vitamin C content. Guava is also rich in fiber, which helps prevent constipation. Papaya is rich in carotene; this is good for your eyes.

Drinking Cold water after a meal = Cancer! Can you believe this?? For those who like to drink cold water, this article is applicable to you. It is nice to have a cup of cold drink after a meal. However, the cold water will solidify the oily stuff that you have just consumed. It will slow down the digestion.

Once this 'sludge' reacts with the acid, it will break down and be absorbed by the intestine faster than the solid food. It will line the intestine. Very soon, this will turn into fats and lead to cancer. It is best to drink hot soup or warm water after a meal.

A serious note about heart attacks...

HEART ATTACK PROCEDURE': (THIS IS NOT A JOKE!)

Women should know that not every heart attack symptom is going to be the left arm hurting. Be aware of intense pain in the jaw line. You may never have the first chest pain during the course of a heart attack. Nausea and intense sweating are also common symptoms. Sixty percent of people who have a heart attack while they are asleep do not wake up. Pain in the jaw can wake you from a sound sleep.

Let's be careful and be aware. The more we know the better chance we could survive.

A cardiologist says: "if everyone who gets this mail sends it to 10 people, you can be sure that we'll save at least one life.

10 Common Habits that Damage the Kidneys

Kidney disease is one of the costliest illnesses in the world and managing kidney disease is very expensive.

Each year, lots of people die of kidney disease all over the world, and the number of people suffering from chronic renal failure, and need dialysis or kidney transplantation to stay alive keep increasing.

Statistics have it that, worldwide, more than millions patients are waiting for kidney transplants, but only a few thousands will receive transplants because of shortage of suitable organ donors.

Patients usually felt surprised when they are diagnosed of Kidney Failure.

Experts have found the explanation from your daily life habits.

Here are the top habits which lead to your kidney failure:

1. Not emptying your bladder early:  
Maintaining a full bladder for a long time is a quick way of causing bladder damage. That the urine stays in the bladder for a long time can cause the bacteria breeding in urine to multiply quickly. Once the urine refluxes back to ureter and kidneys, the bacteria can result in kidney infections, then urinary tract infection, and then nephritis, even Uremia.

So, no matter how busy you are, remember to drink a lot of water and urinate regularly. Once you form the habit of holding back urine, it will ultimately damage your kidneys.

2. Not drinking enough water:  
The main functions of the kidneys are to regulate erythrocyte balances and eliminate metabolic wastes in urine. If we do not drink enough water, the blood will be concentrated and the blood flow to the kidney will not be adequate, thus the function of eliminating toxins in from blood will be impaired.

3. Taking too much salt:  
95% sodium we consume through food is metabolized by the kidneys. Exceeding the salt intake will make the kidneys work harder to excrete the excess salt and can lead to decreased kidney function. This excess sodium will cause water retention, causing edema. Edema usually elevates blood pressure and increases the risk of developing kidney disease. The daily salt intake should be controlled within 6g per day.

4. Not treating common infections quickly and properly:  
Common infections, such as pharyngitis, tonsillitis, common cold etc., usually triggers or aggravates kidney damage. They do this by causing an acute attack of acute glomerulonephritis or chronic nephritis. So, you will see that people who get kidney disease for the first time or whose illness condition becomes worse usually present in hospitals with a history of cold or sore throat.

If after having cold, symptoms like blood in urine, swelling, headache, nausea, vomiting, fatigue, poor appetite appear, you should consult your doctor immediately, to assess your kidney functions, and start treatment if compromised.

5. Eating too much meat:  
Eating too much meat and protein can increase the metabolic load of the kidney. For those suffering from proteinuria, meat consumption too may aggravate protein leakage, worsening renal pathological lesion.  
It is suggested that protein intake should be 0.8g/kg per day. This means that a person with 50 kg should consume 40g of protein per day. Meat consumption per day should be limited within 300g.

6. Not eating enough:  
This is equally as dangerous as eating too much, both of them will lead damages to your digestive organs where is full of mucosal tissues. Mucosal tissues relate closely to your immune system. This is why many kidney failure patients are diagnosed with "autoimmune kidney damages".

7. Painkiller abuse:  
The use of analgesics for a prolonged duration may reduce the flow blood and greatly affect kidney function. In addition, patients with analgesic-induced renal failure are more likely to suffer from bladder cancer.  
Use analgesics only when it's absolutely necessary, learn to rest instead of taking to the bottles. If you have been on pain killers for a long term, it's about time you had a test to access you renal function done.

8. Missing your drugs:  
Hypertension and diabetes have been shown to precipitate or accelerate kidney damage, so if you are diagnosed as having any of these diseases don't live your life in denial, USE YOUR DRUGS.  
This will ultimately help control your condition while also helping to preserve your kidneys.

9. Drinking too much alcohol:  
Drinking alcohol without limitation may cause the deposition of uric acid in renal tubules, causing tubular obstruction and increasing risks of kidney failure.

10. Not resting enough:  
In our society, hypertension as a severe threat to life is largely due to stress. A common symptom of stress is insomnia. Blood pressure may increase by an average of 2-5mg/Hg because of insomnia. Chronically elevated blood pressure can cause damage to kidney capillaries giving rise to kidney problems. Thus, we need to develop a good attitude to life and strike a good balance between work and rest to protect your kidneys and live a healthy life.

At the early stage of kidney diseases, there are usually no the special symptoms, so lots of patients are not diagnosed until the acute attack appears or the illness condition develops into the late stage. So you should endeavor to do kidney function test from time to time to assess how healthy your kidneys are.

Never ignore the soreness of waist, swelling of the feet, changes in urine color or volume, increase in night urination, paler, high blood pressure and other such symptoms. Once found, you should go and see your doctor immediately.

Home Remedies: Acidity, Blood Pressure, Diabetes

CURE FOR ACIDITY

Acidity; it is said, is worse than Cancer. It is one of the most common problems people encounter in their daily life. The home remedy for Acidity is Raw Grains of Rice.

The Process:  
1. Take 8 - 10 grains of raw uncooked rice  
2. Swallow it with water before having your breakfast or eating anything in the morning  
3. Do this for 21 days to see effective results and continuously for 3 months to eliminate acidity from the body

The Cure: Reduces acid levels in the body and makes you feel better by the day.

CURE FOR BLOOD PRESSURE:

One of the simple home remedy cures for Blood Pressure is Methi Seeds or Fenugreek Seeds.

The Process:  
1. Take a pinch of Raw Fenugreek Seeds, about 8 - 10 seeds  
2. Swallow it with water before taking your breakfast, every morning

The Cure: The seeds of Fenugreek are considered good to reduce the blood pressure.

CURE FOR DIABETES:

There are 2 home remedies for Diabetes. One is Black Tea and the other is Lady Fingers or Okra.

BLACK TEA: Due to high medication, the organ that is worst affected is the Kidney. It has been observed that Black Tea (tea without milk, sugar or lemon) is good for the Kidney. Hence, a cup of black tea every morning is highly advisable.

The Process:

1. Boil water along with the tea leaves (any tea leaves will do).  
2. Drink the concoction without adding milk, sugar or lemon.

The Cure: Black Tea will help in enhancing the function of the kidney, thereby not affecting it more.

LADY FINGER or OKRA:  
Lady Finger/Okra is considered to be a good home medicine for diabetes.

The Process:  
1. Slit the ladies-finger into 2 halves vertically and soak it in water overnight. Drink the water.

Brain Damaging Habits

1. No Breakfast.

People who do not take breakfast are going to have a lower blood sugar level. This leads to an insufficient supply of nutrients to the brain causing brain degeneration.

2. Overeating.

It causes hardening of the brain arteries, leading to a decrease in mental power.

3. Smoking

It causes multiple brain shrinkage and may lead to Alzheimer disease.

4. High Sugar consumption.

Too much sugar will interrupt the absorption of proteins and nutrients causing malnutrition and may interfere with brain development.

5. Air Pollution.

The brain is the largest oxygen consumer in our 20 body. Inhaling polluted air decreases the supply of oxygen to the brain, bringing about a decrease in brain efficiency.

6. Sleep Deprivation.

Sleep allows our brain to rest... Long term deprivation from sleep will accelerate the death of brain cells.

7. Head covered while sleeping.

Sleeping with the head covered increases the concentration of carbon dioxide and decrease concentration of oxygen that may lead to brain damaging effects.

8. Working your brain during illness.

Working hard or studying with sickness may lead to a decrease in effectiveness of the brain as well as damage the brain.

9. Lacking in stimulating thoughts.

Thinking is the best way to train our brain, lacking in brain stimulation thoughts may cause brain shrinkage.

10. Talking Rarely.

Intellectual conversations will promote the efficiency of the brain.

Interesting Facts

Countries and States

Alaska

More than half of the coastline of the entire United States is in Alaska.

Amazon

The Amazon rainforest produces more than 20%of the world's oxygen supply.

The Amazon River pushes so much water into the Atlantic Ocean that, more than one hundred miles at sea off the mouth of the river, one can dip fresh water out of the ocean. The volume of water in the Amazon river is greater than the next eight largest rivers in the world combined and three times the flow of all rivers in the United States.

Antarctica

Antarctica is the only land on our planet that is not owned by any country. Ninety percent of the world's ice covers Antarctica. This ice also represents seventy percent of all the fresh water in the world. As strange as it sounds, however, Antarctica is essentially a desert; the average yearly total precipitation is about two inches. Although covered with ice (all but 0.4% of it, ice.), Antarctica is the driest place on the planet, with an absolute humidity lower than the Gobi Desert.

Brazil

Brazil got its name from the nut, not the other way around.

Canada

Canada has more lakes than the rest of the world combined. Canada is an Indian word meaning ' Big Village '.

Chicago

Next to Warsaw, Chicago has the largest Polish population in the world.

Detroit

Woodward Avenue in Detroit, Michigan, carries the designation M-1, so named because it was the first paved road anywhere.

Damascus, Syria

Damascus, Syria, was flourishing a couple of thousand years before Rome was founded in 753 BC, making it the oldest continuously inhabited city in existence.

Istanbul, Turkey

Istanbul, Turkey, is the only city in the world located on two continents.

Los Angeles

Los Angeles ' full name is: El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de Los Angeles de Periocular and can be abbreviated to 3.63% of its size: L.A.

New York City

The term 'The Big Apple' was coined by touring jazz musicians of the 1930s who used the slang expression 'apple' for any town or city. Therefore, to play New York City is to play the big time - The Big Apple. There are more Irish in New York City than in Dublin, Ireland; more Italians in New York City than in Rome, Italy; and more Jews in New York City than in Tel Aviv, Israel.

Ohio

There are no natural lakes in the state of Ohio, everyone is manmade.

Pitcairn Island

The smallest island with country status is Pitcairn in Polynesia, at just 1.75 sq. miles/4 53 sq. km.

Rome

The first city to reach a population of 1 million people was Rome, Italy in 133 B.C. There is a city called Rome on every continent.

Siberia

Siberia contains more than 25% of the world's forests.

S.M.O.M.

The actual smallest sovereign entity in the world is the Sovereign Military Order of Malta (S.M.O.M). It is located in the city of Rome, Italy ,has an area of two tennis courts  
and, as of 2001, has a population of 80 -- 20 less people than the Vatican . It is a sovereign entity under international law, just as the Vatican is.

Sahara Desert

In the Sahara Desert, there is a town named Tidikelt, Algeria, which did not receive a drop of rain for ten years. Technically though, the driest place on Earth is in the valleys of the Antarctic near Ross Island. There has been no rainfall there for two million years.

Spain

Spain literally means 'the land of rabbits'.

St. Paul, Minnesota

St. Paul, Minnesota , was originally called Pig's Eye after a man named Pierre 'Pig's Eye' Parrant who set up the first business there.

Roads

Chances that a road is unpaved: in the U.S.A. = 1%; in Canada = .75%

Russia

The deepest hole ever drilled by man is the Kola Super deep Borehole, in Russia .It reached a depth of 12,261 meters (about 40,226 feet or 7.62 miles). It was drilled for scientific research and gave up some unexpected discoveries, one of which was a huge deposit of hydrogen - so massive that the mud coming from the hole was boiling with it.

United States

The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one mile in every five must be straight. These straight sections are usable as airstrips in times of war or other emergencies.

Waterfalls

The water of Angel Falls (the world's highest) in Venezuela drops 3,212 feet (979 meters). They are 15 times higher than Niagara Falls.

I have always said, you should learn something new every day. Unfortunately, many of us are at that age where what we learn today, we forget tomorrow. But, give it a shot anyway.

"E" the Most Eminent Letter of Alphabet

'E' ... is the most eminent letter of the alphabet.

Men or Women don't exist without 'E'.

House or Home can't be made without 'E'.

Bread or Butter can't be found without 'E'.

'E' is the beginning of Existence and the end of Trouble.

It's not at all in War but twice in Peace.

It's once in Hell but twice in Heaven'.

'E' represents Emotions. Hence all emotional relations like

Father,  
Mother,  
Brother,  
Sister have 'E' in them.

'E' also represents Effort Energy,  
hence to be Better from Good,  
both 'E' added.

Without 'E', we would have no Love, Life, Wife or Hope

See, Hear, Smell, or Taste.

As Eye, Ear, Nose and Tongue are made of 'E'.

Hence, Go with 'E' but without EGO.

Small thoughts go a long way

Death asked Life:  
Why does everyone love you and hate me.

Life replied:  
Because I am a beautiful Lie and you are a painful Truth

Good Sayings

Temple is a 6 letter word  
Mosque is also a 6 letter word  
Church is a 6 letter word  
Geeta is a 5 letter word  
Quran is also a 5 letter word   
Bible is a 5 letter word

We are very good Lawyers for our mistakes  
Very good Judge's for other's mistakes

World always say – Find good people and leave bad ones.  
But I say, Find the good in people and ignore the bad in them  
Because no one is born perfect

A fantastic sentence written on every Japanese bus stop.  
Only buses will stop here – Not your time  
So Keep walking towards your goal

African Saying:  
If you want to walk quick, walk alone  
If you want to walk far, walk together

Unique Nine Letter word

What if this was the only question on the exam to pass high school English and earn your diploma. Would you graduate?

What nine letter word in the English language is still a word when eight letters are removed one by one?

Answer: STARTERLING

Removed the letters in the following sequence: L, T, A, R, T, G, S, N

Observations on Growing Older

~Your Kids are becoming you...and you don't like them!

~Going Out is good...Coming Home is better!

~You Forget names... But it's OK because other people forgot they even knew you!!!

~You realize you're never going to be really good at anything... Especially Golf.

~Your spouse is counting on you to remember things you don't remember.

~The things you used to care to do, you no longer care to do, but you really do care that you don't care to do them anymore.

~Your husband sleeps better on a lounge chair with the TV blaring than he does in bed. It's Called "Pre-sleep".

~You miss the days when everything worked with just an "ON" and "OFF" Switch.

~You tend to use more 4 letter words ..."what?", "when?"... ???

~Now that you can afford expensive jewellery, it's not safe to wear it anywhere.

~You notice everything sold in stores is "sleeveless"!!!!

~What used to be freckles are now liver spots.

~Everybody Whispers.

~Now that your husband has retired...You'd give anything if he'd find a job!

~You have 3 sizes of clothes in your closet...2 of which you will never wear.

But old is good in some things: Old songs, old movies, and best of all, OLD FRIENDS!!  
Love You, "OLD FRIEND!"

JUDGE NOT!!

Remember...Just going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in your garage makes you a car.

Every saint has a PAST...  
Every sinner has a FUTURE!

Six Principles of Life

1. No point using limited life to chase unlimited money.  
2. No point earning so much money you cannot live to spend it.  
3. Money is not yours until you spend it.  
4. When you are young, you use your health to chase your wealth; when you are old, you use your wealth to buy back your health. Difference is that, it is too late.  
5. How happy a man is, is not how much he has but how little he needs.  
6. No point working so hard to provide for the people you have no time to spend with.

Remember this -- We come to this world with nothing, we leave this world with nothing!

A wise man once sat in the audience and cracked a joke...all of them laughed like crazy...After a moment he cracked the same joke again & a little less people laughed this time... He cracked the same one again & no one laughed!!!

Then he smiled and said ''when you can't laugh on the same joke again & again then why do you keep crying over the same thing over & over again''

Forget the past and Move On...

Alone I can say, but together we can shout.  
Alone I can smile, but together we can laugh.  
Alone I can enjoy, but together we can celebrate!

Good Advice to Sixty Plus & to Those Under Sixty...!!

A new way of looking at your life!

60 + and this message is especially for you. Under 60 also read as one day you will also reach Sixty plus and Going Strong. (Translated from the original in Chinese)

There are 1000-year old trees in the mountain, but not many 100 year-old people.  
At the most, you live until 100 years old (only 1 in 100,000). Because you don't have many years to live, and you can't take along things when you go, you don't have to be too thrifty...  
Spend the money that should be spent, enjoy what should be enjoyed, donate what you are able to donate, but don't leave all to your children or grandchildren, for you don't want them to become parasites.  
Don't worry about what will happen after you are gone, because when you return to dust, you will feel nothing about praises or criticisms.  
Don't worry too much about your children for children will have their own destiny and find their own way. Don't be your children's slave. Don't expect too much from your children. Caring children, though caring, would be too busy with their jobs and commitments to render any help. Uncaring children may fight over your assets even when you are still alive, and wish for your early demise so they can inherit your properties. Your children take for granted that they are rightful heirs to your wealth; but you have no claims to their money.

60-year old like you, don't trade in your health for wealth anymore; because your money may not be able to buy your health...When to stop making money, and how much is enough (hundred thousands, million, ten million)? Out of thousand hectares of good farm land, you can only consume three quarts (of rice) daily; out of a thousand of mansions, you only need eight square meters of space to rest at night.

So as long as you have enough food and enough money to spend, that is good enough. So you should live happily. Every family has its own problems. Just do not compare with others for fame and social status and see whose children are doing better, etc. but challenge others for happiness, health and longevity...

Don't worry about things that you can't change because it doesn't help and it may spoil your health. You have to create your own well-being and find your own happiness; As long as you are in good mood, think about happy things, do happy things daily and have fun in doing, and then you will pass your time happily every day. One day passes, you will lose one day. One day passes with happiness, and then you gain one day.

In good spirit, sickness will cure; in happy spirit, sickness will cure fast; in good and happy spirit; sickness will never come. With good mood, suitable amount of exercise, always in the sun, variety of foods, reasonable amount of vitamin and mineral intake, hopefully you will live another 20 or 30 years of healthy life. Above all learn to cherish the goodness around.

And friends...They all make you feel young and "wanted"...without them you are surely to feel lost!! Wishing you all the best! Please share this with all your friends who are 60 plus and those who will be 60 plus after some time.

Hi Boss

People who do lots of work make lots of mistakes  
People who do less work...make less mistakes  
People who do no work...make no mistakes  
People who make no mistakes... gets promoted

That's why I spend most of my time sending e-mails & playing games at work; I need a promotion.

The Laws of Nature

1. Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

2. Law of Gravity: Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the universe.

3. Law of Probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4. Law of Random Numbers: If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal; someone always answers.

5. Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now

6 Law of the Bath: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

7. Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

8. Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, IT WILL!

9. Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

10. Law of the Theatre & Hockey Arena: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet, and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surely folk.

11. The Coffee Law: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

12. Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

13. Law of Physical Surfaces: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

14 Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible IF you don't know what you are talking about.

15. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance: If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

16 Oliver's Law of Public Speaking: A CLOSED MOUTH GATHERS NO FEET!

17. Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it, OR the store will stop selling it!

18. Doctors' Law: If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there, you'll feel better. But don't seek an appointment, and you'll stay sick.

Brings Back Any Memories?

My child asked me the other day, 'What was your favorite 'fast food' when you were growing up?  
'We didn't have fast food when I was growing up,' I told him.  
'All the food was slow.'  
'C'mon, seriously.. Where did you eat?'  
'It was a place called "home",' I explained.  
'Mom cooked every day and when Dad got home from work, we sat down together at the dining room table, and if I didn't like what she put on my plate, I was allowed to sit there until I did like it.'

By this time, the lad was laughing so hard I was afraid he was going to suffer serious internal damages, so I didn't tell him the part about how I had to have permission to leave the table.

But here are some other things I would have told him about my childhood if I'd figured his system could have handled it:

Some parents never had their own house, wore jeans, set foot on a golf course, travelled out of the country or had a credit card.

My parents never drove me to school...I walked or take the bus...I had a bicycle that weighed probably 50 pounds, and only had one speed (slow)..

We didn't have a color television in our house until I was 16 and the station went off the air at 10 PM, after playing the national anthem and epilogue; it came back on the air at 6 pm and only 4 Hours of TV. Remember the James Last star parade? Little night music, Bay city Rollers, Sha Na Na, Don Mc Lean, Coronation street, Sesame Street...the list goes on.............

Pizzas were not delivered to our home... But milk was.  
All newspapers were delivered by boys.  
Film stars kissed with their mouths shut. At least, they did in the films. There were no movie ratings because all movies were responsibly produced for everyone to enjoy viewing, without profanity or violence or almost anything offensive.

Growing up isn't what it used to be, is it?

How many do you remember?  
Headlight dip-switches fixed on the floor of the car. Ignition switches on the dashboard  
Trouser leg clips for bicycles without chain guards. Using hand signals for cars without turn indicators.

Count all the ones that you remember, not the ones you were told about.

The Situation

In Washington, DC, at a Metro Station, on a cold January morning in 2007, this man with a violin played six Bach pieces for about 45 minutes. During that time, approximately 2,000 people went through the station, most of them on their way to work. After about 3 minutes, a middle-aged man noticed that there was a musician playing. He slowed his pace and stopped for a few seconds, and then he hurried on to meet his schedule.

About 4 minutes later:

The violinist received his first dollar. A woman threw money in the hat and, without stopping, continued to walk.

At 6 minutes:

A young man leaned against the wall to listen to him, then looked at his watch and started to walk again.

At 10 minutes:

A 3-year old boy stopped, but his mother tugged him along hurriedly. The kid stopped to look at the violinist again, but the mother pushed hard and the child continued to walk, turning his head the whole time. This action was repeated by several other children, but every parent - without exception - forced their children to move on quickly.

At 45 minutes:

The musician played continuously. Only 6 people stopped and listened for a short while. About 20 gave money but continued to walk at their normal pace. The man collected a total of $32.

After 1 hour:

He finished playing and silence took over. No one noticed and no one applauded. There was no recognition at all.

No one knew this, but the violinist was Joshua Bell, one of the greatest musicians in the world. He played one of the most intricate pieces ever written, with a violin worth $3.5 million dollars. Two days before, Joshua Bell sold-out a theater in Boston where the seats averaged $100 each to sit and listen to him play the same music.

This is a true story. Joshua Bell, playing incognito in the D.C. Metro Station, was organized by the Washington Post as part of a social experiment about perception, taste and people's priorities.

This experiment raised several questions:

*In a common-place environment, at an inappropriate hour, do we perceive beauty?

*If so, do we stop to appreciate it?

*Do we recognize talent in an unexpected context?

One possible conclusion reached from this experiment could be this:

If we do not have a moment to stop and listen to one of the best musicians in the world, playing some of the finest music ever written, with one of the most beautiful instruments ever made.

How many other things are we missing as we rush through life?

Enjoy life NOW. it has an expiry date

Some Awesome Facts

The letters 'a', 'b', 'c' & 'd' do not appear anywhere in the spellings of numbers 1 to 99

(Letter 'd' comes for the first time in Hundred)

Letters 'a', 'b' & 'c' do not appear anywhere in the spellings of 1 to 999

(Letter 'a' comes for the first time in Thousand)

Letters 'b' & 'c' do not appear anywhere in the spellings of 1 to 999,999,999

(Letter 'b' comes for the first time in Billion)

and

Letter 'c' does not appear anywhere in the spellings of entire English Counting!

Questions:

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why do you have to 'put your two cents in'... But it's only a 'penny for your thoughts'? Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?  
They're both dogs!

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Why, Why, Why?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And my FAVORITE......

The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

Words

"Etc." – a word used to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.

Replace by we: Even 'illness' become 'wellness'.

We all smile in the same language.

An English professor wrote the words: "A woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and asked the students to punctuate it correctly.

The male students wrote, "A woman, without her man, is nothing."

The female students wrote, "A woman; without her, man is nothing."

Every time I look at the key board, I see that U and I

Poem in the World  
I was shocked, confused, bewildered  
As I entered Heaven's door,  
Not by the beauty of it all,  
Nor the lights or its decor.

But it was the folks in Heaven  
Who made me sputter and gasp-  
The thieves, the liars, the sinners,  
The alcoholics and the trash.

There stood the kid from seventh grade  
Who swiped my lunch money twice.  
Next to him was my old neighbor  
Who never said anything nice.

Bob, who I always thought  
Was rotting away in hell,  
Was sitting pretty on cloud nine,  
Looking incredibly well.

I nudged Jesus, 'What's the deal?  
I would love to hear Your take.  
How'd all these sinners get up here?  
God must've made a mistake.

'And why is everyone so quiet,  
So somber - give me a clue.  
'Hush, child,' He said,  
'they're all in shock.  
No one thought they'd be seeing you.

Most Successful People Who Failed at First

The quote, "You're only as good as your last success" should actually be rephrased to, "You're only as bad as your last failure." You can't possibly be a failure every single time. You'll find success if you work hard, plan well, and don't give up—Like the 10 most successful failures of all time.

10. Michael Jordan

Michael Jordan failed getting into his varsity basketball team during sophomore year because he was clumsy and was only 5 feet 11 inches tall. High school and college sports performances are what NBA recruiters look into when scouting for talent, but Jordan had failed right from the start.

So, he locked himself up in his room to cry. But he tried out again the next year and got into the junior varsity team. He practiced the game every day and grew taller by a few more inches until he honed his skills to an unbelievable level. Years later, he became the NBA's most famous MVP and the greatest basketball player of all time.

9. Lucille Ball

Lucille was booted out of New York's John Murray Anderson School for the Dramatic Arts for being too scared to perform. After that, she kept going back and forth New York as a fashion model and actress, getting fired from at least two stage productions. She went to Hollywood, got a contract with Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer, but her best efforts got her only in B-movies. Eventually, she found her way into radio then television, a new entertainment medium back in the 1940s and 1950s. She and her husband Desi Arnaz launched the "I Love Lucy" show on CBS, which went on to become one of the longest-running TV shows in history, and making her a famous comedienne.

8. Steven Spielberg

As a dyslexic young man, Spielberg's application to the University of Southern California's School of Theater, Film, and Television was rejected thrice. He went to California State University in Long Beach instead, but ended up dropping out of it anyway. His directorial debut was "Sugarland Express"—praised by critics, but a box office failure. Nevertheless, Spielberg forged ahead and was given the chance to film big-budgeted hits such as "Jaws," "Close Encounters of the Third Kind," "ET," "Raiders of the Lost Ark," and "Jurassic Park." But the Academy of Motion Picture Arts Sciences snubbed him for years, and avoided giving him the Best Director award until 1993, when he made "Schindler's List." From then on, he was recognized as an A-list Hollywood director and a major artistic force in film history.

7. Walt Disney

Walt Disney was once a young artist whose editor fired him because he reportedly "lacked imagination" or "good ideas." Disney wanted to start a company creating animated short films. But his first few tries failed; at one point he even lost some of his employees and the rights to his own animated character (Oswald the Rabbit) to Universal Pictures. But eventually, he built a gigantic entertainment empire that churned out classic characters (Donald Duck and Mickey Mouse) and ground-breaking animated films like "Snow White," and "Sleeping Beauty."

6. Oprah Winfrey

TV's queen of talk grew up with poverty and child abuse. She tried her hand at being a television reporter. But she was fired from her TV job because she wasn't considered fit for TV. Emotional problems stemming from childhood had made her eat obsessively, creating her weight problem. She also tried smoking crack cocaine, and had a number of disastrous romantic relationships. But she reinvented herself as a talk show host, producing and starring in her own "Oprah Winfrey Show." She changed the way talk shows were conducted by focusing on geopolitics, health, spirituality, and charity. Her show went on to become the most viewed talk show on the planet, turning Oprah into a billionaire.

5. Winston Churchill

Churchill was a rebellious boy who never did well in school, even failing sixth grade. He had a lisp and a stutter. He tried his hand at building a military and political career, but he failed at nearly every election he ran in. In later years, he was politically isolated from even the British Conservative party he worked with, his political reputation so in tatters that he exiled himself temporarily from Parliament and the House of Commons. But Churchill was among the first to see the dangers of Nazi Germany, and managed to become Britain's Prime Minister at age 62 during World War II. His steadfastness helped inspire British resistance against Hitler, all the way to the defeat of the Nazis, securing him the title of "Greatest Briton of All Time."

4. Albert Einstein

People thought Einstein was a "slow" young man. He hated the regimented ways of school. At the age of 16, he failed the entrance exams at the Swiss Federal Polytechnic in Zurich, and had to a smaller school instead. Though he managed to get a teaching diploma from the Swiss Polytechnic later on, it took him two long years to find any job at all. And when he did, it was for the Swiss Patent Office as an assistant examiner for patents. But he tried writing his own scientific papers and thesis from 1901 to 1905 (including one on the theory of special relativity), which were so groundbreaking that by 1909 he became recognized as a leading scientist and one of the most brilliant minds in human history.

3. J. K. Rowling

At one point, the famous author of the Harry Potter books was a broke, unemployed, and depressed divorced mother feeding her children through welfare. She was cradling a baby even as she wrote her manuscript for "Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone" in a café, trying to write, eat, and get her child to sleep. Her book proposal was rejected by no less than twelve publishing houses. But after the Bloomsbury publishing house agreed to publish the book, it won so much acclaim and sold so many copies that Rowling could afford to write the rest of the Harry Potter series—becoming even richer than Britain's Queen.

2. Steve Jobs

Jobs redefined the way the world used personal computers, through the company he founded, Apple, Inc. He created Mac computers and the GUI (Graphical User Interface). But he rubbed a lot of people the wrong way with his driven personality. By age of 30, the board of directors of the very company he built "fired" him, leaving him humiliated and depressed. But he started another company (NeXT Computer), which developed the next-generation personal computer technology, and bought Lucasfilm's computer graphics division and renamed it Pixar. When a failing Apple, Inc. asked Jobs to return to their helm, he again took over and eventually made Apple, Inc. one of the most innovative and profitable companies on the planet.

1. Abraham Lincoln

The 16th President of the United States who was responsible for ending slavery in his country was the self-educated son of a country frontier family. He tried starting his own businesses and a political career, but because of the lack of education, powerful connections, or money, he failed at two businesses and in eight elections. When he got married to Mary Todd, they had four sons, but three of them died early on from illness—triggering clinical depression in Lincoln. But by 1860, Lincoln got nominated to be the Democratic candidate to the presidency. He won the elections, and as President of the United States oversaw the Civil War to its very end, with the emancipation of African-American slaves.

Life

"LIFE is short, break the rules. Forgive quickly, kiss slowly. Love truly. Laugh uncontrollably and never regrets anything that makes you smile" - Mark Twain

The photos are great, but the philosophy is even better!  
We never get what we want,  
We never want what we get,  
We never have what we like,  
We never like what we have.  
And still we live & love.  
That's life...

It's true that we don't know  
What we've got until it's gone,  
But it's also true that we don't know  
What we've been missing until it arrives.  
Giving someone all your love is never an assurance that they'll love you back!  
Don't expect love in return;  
Just wait for it to grow in their heart,  
But if it doesn't, be content it grew in yours.  
It takes only a minute to get a crush on someone,  
An hour to like someone,  
And a day to love someone,  
But it takes a lifetime to forget someone.  
Don't go for looks; they can deceive.  
Don't go for wealth; even that fades away.  
Go for someone who makes you smile,  
Because it takes only a smile to  
Make a dark day seem bright.  
Find the one that makes your heart smile!  
May you have  
Enough happiness to make you sweet,  
Enough trials to make you strong,  
Enough sorrow to keep you human,  
And enough hope to make you happy.  
Always put yourself in others' shoes.  
If you feel that it hurts you,  
It probably hurts the other person, too.

The happiest of people  
Don't necessarily have the best of everything;  
They just make the most of everything that comes along their way.  
Happiness lies for  
Those who cry,  
Those who hurt,  
Those who have searched,  
And those who have tried,  
For only they can appreciate the importance of people  
Who have touched their lives.  
When you were born, you were crying  
And everyone around you was smiling.  
Live your life so that when you die,  
You're the one who is smiling  
And everyone around you is crying.

Please send this message  
To those people who mean something to you,  
To those who have touched your life in one way or another,  
To those who make you smile when you really need it,  
To those that make you see the brighter side of things When you are really down,  
To those who you want to know  
That you appreciate their friendship.

And if you don't, don't worry,  
Nothing bad will happen to you,  
You will just miss out on the opportunity  
to brighten someone's life with this message...

The Donkey Story

This is one of the best and most useful stories I have read in years. What a life lesson.

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.

Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down.

A few shovels loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up..

As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up.

Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well, and happily trotted off!

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a stepping stone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:

Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.  
Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.  
Live simply and appreciate what you have.  
Give more. Expect less

NOW .......Enough of that crap. The donkey later came back, and bit the farmer who had tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.

MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:

When you try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you.

Keep Those Grey Cells active

Something for seniors to do to keep those "aging" grey cells active!

Impossibilities in the World

1) You can't count your hair.  
2) You can't wash your eyes with soap.  
3) You can't breathe through your nose when your tongue is out.

Put your tongue back in your mouth, you silly person.  
Ten (10) Things I know about you.  
1) You are reading this.

2) You are human.

3) You can't say the letter ''P'' without separating your lips.

4) You just attempted to do it.

6) You are laughing at yourself.

7) You have a smile on your face and you skipped No. 5.

8) You just checked to see if there is a No. 5.

9) You laugh at this because you are a fun loving person & everyone does it too.

10) You are probably going to send this to see who else falls for it.

You have received this e-mail because I didn't want to be alone in the idiot category.

Traps and Trivia

IQ Test 1

1. Johnny's mother had three children. The first child was named April. The second child was named May. What was the third child's name?

2. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall and he wears size 13 sneakers. What does he weigh?

3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain in the world?

4. How much dirt is there in a hole that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?

5. What word in the English Language is always spelled incorrectly?

6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the summer. How is this possible?

7. In California, you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. Why not?

8. What was the President's Name in 1975?

9. If you were running a race, and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now?

10. Which is correct to say, "The yolk of the egg are white" or "The yolk of the egg is white"?

11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field, how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in another field?

Here are the Answers:

1. Johnny 's mother had three children. The first child was named April. The second child was named May. What was the third child 's name?

Answer: Johnny of course

2. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall, and he wears size 13 sneakers. What does he weigh?

Answer: Meat.

3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain in the world?

Answer: Mt. Everest; it just wasn't discovered yet. [You're not very good at this are you?]

4. How much dirt is there in a hole that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?

Answer: There is no dirt in a hole.

5. What word in the English Language is always spelled incorrectly?

Answer: Incorrectly

6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the summer. How is this possible?

Answer: Billy lives in the Southern Hemisphere

7. In California, you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. Why not?

Answer: You can't take pictures with a wooden leg. You need a camera to take pictures.

8. What was the President's Name in 1975?

Answer: Same as is it now - Barack Obama [Oh, come on ...]

9. If you were running a race, and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now?

Answer: You would be in 2nd. Well, you passed the person in second place, not first.

10. Which is correct to say, "The yolk of the egg are white" or "The yolk of the egg is white"?

Answer: Neither, the yolk of the egg is yellow [Duh]

11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field, how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in another field?

Answer: One. If he combines all of his haystacks, they all become one big one.

~

Problem of Dividing 17 Camels Among Three Children

A father left 17 camels as an asset for his three sons.  
When the father passed away, his sons opened up the will.  
The Will of the father stated that the eldest son should get half of 17 camels,,,  
while the middle son should be given 1/3rd (one-third) of 17 camels,,,  
The youngest son should be given 1/9th (one-ninth) of the 17 camels,,,  
As it is not possible to divide 17 into half or 17 by 3 or 17 by 9, three sons started to fight with each other.  
So, the three sons decided to go to a wise man.  
The wise man listened patiently about the Will. The wise man, after giving this thought, brought one camel of his own and added the same to 17. That increased the total to 18 camels.  
Now, he started reading the deceased father's will.  
Half of 18 = 9. So he gave the eldest son 9 camels.  
(one-third) 1/3rd of 18 = 6. So he gave the middle son 6 camels.  
(one-ninth) 1/9th of 18 = 2. So he gave the youngest son 2 camels.  
Now add this up: 9 plus 6 plus 2 is 17 and this leaves one camel, which the wise man took back.  
MORAL: The attitude of negotiation and problem solving is to find the 18th camel i.e. the common ground. Once a person is able to find the common ground, the issue is resolved. It is difficult at times.  
However, to reach a solution, the first step is to believe that there is a solution. If we think that there is no solution, we won't be able to reach any!  
If you liked this story,,, please share with friends, family and children's,,, You might spark a thought, inspire and possibly change a life forever !!

Math

Mathematician: How do you write 4 in between 5 ?

Chinese: Is this a joke? Can't be done  
Japanese: Impossible!  
American: The question's all wrong!  
British: It's not found on the Internet  
German: Dat is wrong!  
French: Ooh la la... you confuse us  
Italian: How can it be so?  
Spanish/Portuguese: No comment!  
And the Sri Lankan: F(IV)E

To All My Intelligent Friends

I am sending this only to my smart friends. I could not figure it out. My first thought was wrong and I had to look at the answer. See if you can figure out what these seven words all have in common!

1. Banana  
2. Dresser  
3. Grammar  
4. Potato  
5. Revive  
6. Uneven  
7. Assess

Are you peeking or have you already given up?

Give it another try.... Look at each word carefully. You'll kick yourself when you discover the answer. This is so good .... No, it is not that they all have at least 2 double letters.

Answer is below!

Answer:

In all of the words listed, if you take the first letter, place it at the end   
of the word, and then spell the word backwards, it will be the same word.   
Did you figure it out? No? Then send this to more people and   
stump them as well. Then, you'll feel better too.

Subject: Lateral thinking

You may learn something new!

IF YOU ANSWER ALL FOUR, YOU ARE A GENIUS, ITS TRICKY NOT TOUGH!

Check out your lateral thinking power!

Answers are given at the end.

Please do not look at the answers first, these are really good. Try it.

Question 1:

There are six eggs in the basket.  
Six people each take one egg.  
How can it be that one egg is left in the basket?

Question 2:

Acting on an anonymous phone call, the police raid a house to arrest a suspected murderer. They don't know what he looks like, but they know his name is John. Inside they find a carpenter, a lorry driver, a car mechanic and a fireman playing cars.

Without even asking his name, they immediately arrest the fireman.

How did they know they've got their man?

Question 3:

Three of the glasses are filled with orange juice; the other three are empty.  
They are in a row... first the three orange filled glasses and then three empty.

By moving only one glass, can you arrange them so the full and empty glasses alternate?

Question 4:

There was once a recluse who never left his home. The only time anyone ever visited him was when his food and supplies were delivered, but they never came inside. Then one stormy winter night when an ice gale was blowing, he had a nervous breakdown. He went upstairs, turned off all the lights and went to bed. Next morning, he had caused the deaths of several hundred people.

How?

ANSWERS

* 1. The last person took the basket with the egg in it.

* 2. All the other card players were women.

* 3. Pour the juice from the second glass into the fifth.

* 4. The recluse lived in a lighthouse.

PASS THIS ON TO FRUSTRATE THE SMART PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE

IQ

THIS IS INCREDIBLE.... Read all the Numbers....  
Slowly and in Order!!

Be Careful not to MISS ANY  
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10  
11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19  
20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27  
28 29 30  
Scroll down .....................

TOMORROW I'LL SEND YOU THE ABC's

It's so easy to amuse old people

~~~

I laugh, because I must not cry.

I cannot even imagine where I would be today were it not for that handful of friends who have given me a heart full of joy. Let's face it, friends make life a lot more fun. – Charles R Swindoll

~~~~

Discover the other titles written by Shelton Ranasinghe at smashwords.com

Our Extraterrestrial Neighbors  
Buddha Impetus to Primitive Psyche  
Self – A Delusion?  
Are We Being Fooled By Our Brains?  
The Phone Rang in the Middle of My Shower  
Thinking Explored  
Our Psyche and Beliefs

DoooD

Books Written by Shelton Ranasinghe

SELF – A DELUSION?

ARE WE BEING FOOLED BY OUR BRAINS?

BUDDHA IMPETUS TO PRIMITIVE PSYCHE

THE PHONE RANG IN THE MIDDLE OF MY SHOWER

OUR EXTRATERRESTRIAL NEIGHBORS

THINKING EXPLORED

OUR PSYCHE AND BELIEFS

DOOOD

~~~
