[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
THAT'S, LIKE, ALL DAY FOR ME IS
IF I SCREW UP, I GOT TO FIX IT.
I HAVE TO BALANCE THE LEDGER.
IN MY MIND, THERE'S A LEDGER.
I SCREW UP?
OKAY, I GOT TO DO SOMETHING
TO BALANCE THAT OUT.
AND I NEVER KNOW.
LOOK, HERE'S --
THE LATEST EXAMPLE WAS
MY DAUGHTER'S FAVORITE SHOW IS
A DISNEY SHOW CALLED
"DOC McSTUFFINS."
THAT'S HER FAVORITE SHOW
RIGHT NOW.
AND YEAH, IT'S A LITTLE GIRL,
PUTS ON A MAGIC STETHOSCOPE,
AND HER TOYS COME TO LIFE,
AND SHE OPERATES ON THEM.
I DON'T KNOW OTHER WAY --
THAT'S WHAT THE SHOW IS,
WHICH IS,
"OH, MRS. POTATO HEAD'S
HAVING A BREECH BIRTH."
SO...
[ LAUGHTER ]
BUT IT'S A SWEET SHOW, THOUGH.
IT'S REALLY NICE.
MY DAUGHTER LOVES IT.
IT'S HER FAVORITE SHOW.
SO, SHE SAYS ONE DAY,
"I WANT TO WATCH
'DOC McSTUFFINS.'
LET'S WATCH 'DOC McSTUFFINS.'"
SO, I HAVE A LOT OF THEM ON DVR,
BUT I DON'T KNOW
WHAT CHANNEL'S GONNA BE ON
WHEN I TURN THE TV ON.
SO, I TURN THE TV ON.
DOES ANYONE REMEMBER
THAT "WOLFMAN" REMAKE
WITH BENICIO DEL TORO?
REMEMBER THAT?
WELL, I TURNED THE TV ON.
IT IS A CLOSE-UP OF BENICIO,
AND HE IS WOLFMANNED OUT.
LIKE, I MEAN, JUST TOTAL WOLFMAN
AND BLOOD, BLOOD, BLOOD,
AND JUST CLOSE -- JUST --
[ROARS]
LIKE, SCREAMING AS A WEREWOLF.
AND MY DAUGHTER DOESN'T CRY,
BUT SHE GETS REALLY STILL
AND HER EYES GET REALLY BIG.
AND I'M LIKE, "OH, SHIT!
NO! WAIT! WAIT! WAIT!"
AND THEN I GET
"DOC McSTUFFINS" ON,
BUT I FLASH FORWARD IN MY HEAD
TO WHEN SHE'S 25,
GOING, "YEAH, THE HEROIN
TAKES CARE OF THE WEREWOLF
NIGHTMARES, DAD. THANKS."
I'M LIKE, "SHIT!"
SO...
I HAVE TO --
I HAVE TO FIX THE WEREWOLF.
SO, THAT NIGHT, WE DO TUBBY
AND GET HER IN HER JAMMIES
AND THEN I'M READING HER
A LOT OF BOOKS,
AND THEN SHE GOES,
"I WANT TO WATCH MOVIES
ON YOUR POOTER."
SHE LIKES TO WATCH STUFF
ON THE COMPUTER,
SO HER FAVORITE RIGHT NOW
IS "SCHOOLHOUSE ROCK!"
WE WATCH "SCHOOLHOUSE ROCK!"
THAT'S HER FAVORITE.
LIKE, "HEY, THAT'S GOOD.
I COULD TEACH HER SOMETHING."
WE WATCH ALL OF HER FAVORITES.
WE WATCH "INTERJECTIONS!"
AND "UNPACK YOUR ADJECTIVES"
AND "RUFUS XAVIER SARSAPARILLA"
AND "FIGURE EIGHT."
SHE'S JUST -- AND THEN
THERE'S A NEW ONE SHE SEES.
SHE GOES,
"I WANT TO WATCH THAT ONE."
AND IT'S
"THEM NOT-SO-DRY BONES" --
THERE'S A SKELETON
INSIDE OF YOU.
AND IT'S ALL ABOUT YOUR BO--
AND SHE GETS UP
AND SHE'S DANCING AND LAUGHING.
"MY FOOT BONE CONNECTED
TO MY ANKLE BONE,"
AND SHE'S DOING THE DANCE.
AND I'M LIKE, "HEY, I THINK --
YOU KNOW WHAT?
"I THINK
I'VE ERASED THE WEREWOLF.
"I THINK I DID IT.
ALL RIGHT.
SWEETIE, IT'S TIME FOR BED.
LET'S TUCK YOU IN."
I TUCK HER IN.
I GET INTO BED WITH THE WIFE,
TURN THE LIGHT OUT,
GOING TO SLEEP.
4:00 IN THE MORNING,
SHE COMES RUNNING IN,
SCREAMING,
SCREAMING BLOODY MURDER.
AND I'M THINKING,
"OH, THAT FUCKING WEREWOLF.
GOD DAMN IT."
I'M LIKE, "WHAT'S UP, SWEETIE?"
AND MY DAUGHTER'S LIKE,
"MY SKELETON IS GONNA COME OUT
OF MY BODY!
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ Crying ] MY BONES
ARE GONNA COME OUT OF MY BODY!"
AND MY WIFE'S LIKE, "WHAT
THE HELL DID YOU SHOW HER?"
I'M LIKE, "IT WAS A 'SCHOOL--
SHE WAS DANCING TO IT!"
I'M LIKE, "SWEETIE, NO.
THAT'S A CARTOON."
SHE GOES, "BUT IN THE CARTOON,
THE MAN'S SKELETON CAME OUT!
IT WAS DANCING!"
"SWEETIE, NO, IT'S PRETEND.
I PROMISE IT'S PRETEND."
SHE GOES,
[Crying] "I WANT TO SLEEP
WITH YOU GUYS."
I GO, "SWEETIE, GET IN BED.
I'M SO SORRY."
SHE GOES, "DO YOU PROMISE
THAT MY SKELETON'S
NOT GONNA COME OUT OF MY BODY?"
I'M LIKE, "SWEETIE,
NO, I PROMISE.
"IT'S ALL PRETEND.
IT'S ALL PRETEND.
"IT'S A CARTOON.
THAT DOES NOT HAPPEN.
LET'S SNUGGLE UP."
WE ALL SNUGGLE UP.
I GET THE LIGHTS OUT,
AND HER BREATHING
IS CALMING DOWN.
SHE'S DOING OKAY.
AND THEN SHE STARTS
LAUGHING HER ASS OFF.
SHE'S LAUGHING SO HARD.
AND I GO, "SWEETIE, WHAT IS IT?"
AND THEN SHE SAYS, "THE DOGGIE
WAS WEARING A SHIRT."
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
[ SIGHS ]
SO, I DON'T KNOW ANYMORE.
IF I EVER SHOW HER
"FINDING NEMO,"
I'M ALSO GONNA SHOW HER
"APOCALYPSE NOW" JUST TO --
I DON'T KNOW.
I DON'T KNOW.
"THE TWO FISHIES
GOT EATEN BY A WHALE!"
"I KNOW, SWEETIE."
"BUT THE HELICOPTER MAN
PLAYED MUSIC."
"YES. WASN'T THAT FUNNY
WHEN HE PLAYED THE MUSIC
AND THEY FLEW..."
[ SIGHS ]
CHARLIE DOESN'T SURF.
[ LAUGHTER ]
I LEARNED THE HA
YOU GOT TO BE CAREFUL
WHAT YOUR KIDS WATCH.
HOLY SHIT.
I LIVE IN LOS FELIZ,
WHICH IS THIS VERY HIPSTERY AREA
OF L.A.,
AND THERE'S A STARBUCKS NEAR US
THAT IS --
THEY HAVE THE BEST EMPLOYEES
AND THE WORST CUSTOMERS
ON THE PLANET.
IT IS ALL TRUST-FUND
HIPSTER DOUCHE-BAG WANNABES
JUST TWITTERING AND TUMBLING
AND INSTAGRAMMING AND, YOU KNOW.
AND YOU LITERALLY --
YOU CAN'T HEAR
THE NORAH JONES CD
OVER THE SOUND OF EYES ROLLING.
THAT IS HOW HIP
THIS PLACE IS, SO...
[ APPLAUSE ]
BUT ONE DAY,
WE'RE DRIVING AROUND,
DOING DADDY/DAUGHTER STUFF,
AND MY DAUGHTER GOES,
"I WANT A CROISSANT."
SHE LOVES THE CROISSANTS
AT STARBUCKS.
SO, WE GO INTO THE STARBUCKS
AND I GET HER A CROISSANT
AND I GET A TEA
AND WE SIT DOWN.
AND I'M DRINKING MY TEA,
AND SHE'S SINGING A SONG
ABOUT HER CROISSANT.
MAKES NO SENSE, BUT IT'S
HILARIOUS, AND I'M LAUGHING.
WE'RE HAVING A GRAND OLD TIME.
AND I'M HAVING SUCH A GOOD TIME,
I DO NOT NOTICE
THE OLD, OLD, OLD, OLD
BALD BLACK GUY
WITH THE BRIGHT-WHITE BEARD
WHO SITS DOWN NEXT TO ME.
I DO NOT SEE HIM UNTIL MY
DAUGHTER STANDS UP ON HER CHAIR
AND SAYS, "DADDY, A MONKEY!
"MONKEY! MONKEY!"
SHE'S SCREAMING "MONKEY"
AT THIS GUY --
SCREAMING "MONKEY"
OVER AND OVER AGAIN.
[ LAUGHTER ]
FIRST OFF, SHE'S DOING IT
IN THE WORST PLACE POSSIBLE,
'CAUSE WE'RE SURROUNDED BY,
"OH, #RacistBaby.
ALL RIGHT."
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
"FUCKING ASSHOLE.
BULLSHIT."
INSTAGRAM "KLAN DAD."
WE GOT THAT OUT THERE. YEP.
[ LAUGHTER ]
AND SECONDLY, HOW DID I HANDLE
THIS HORRIBLE SITUATION?
HOW DID I, A SUBSCRIBER
TO THE NATION...
[ LAUGHTER ]
...A GREEN-ENERGY,
FARMERS-MARKET-PATRONIZING
PROGRESSIVE LIBERAL --
HOW DID I HANDLE
THIS SITUATION?
DID I SIT HER DOWN AND GO,
"SWEETIE, THAT IS NOT
"HOW WE TALK TO OR ABOUT
OTHER PEOPLE.
THAT IS VERY OFFENSIVE,
AND YOU CAN'T DO THAT."
IS THAT HOW I HANDLED IT? NO.
HERE WAS MY SOLUTION.
I PICKED HER UP,
SHOVED HER FACE
RIGHT NEXT TO MINE,
AND THEN RAN OUT GOING...
AH-GUH-GUH-GUH-GUH-GUH-
GUH-GUH-GUH-GUH!
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
I BARKED NONSENSE
OVER HER ADORABLE RACISM.
[ LAUGHTER ]
WHICH, BY THE WAY,
EVEN IF SOMEBODY FAR AWAY
HAD SEEN THAT,
IT STILL WOULD'VE LOOKED
HORRIBLE,
'CAUSE IT WOULD'VE BEEN THIS
WHITE DAD AND HIS WHITE DAUGHTER
AND THEN AN OLD BLACK GUY
SITS DOWN, AND I GO...
AH-GUH-GUH-GUH-GUH-GUH-
GUH-GUH-GUH-GUH!
LIKE, JESUS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
LITTLE SUBTLETY THERE, KLAN DAD.
WHAT'S UP THERE, GRAND WIZARD?
[ LAUGHTER ]
I'M DRIVING HOME.
I'M SHAKING.
"WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?"
I DON'T KNOW
WHERE THAT CAME FROM.
WE GET HOME, AND MY WIFE'S LIKE,
"WELL, YOU'VE HAD HER
ALL MORNING.
I'LL TAKE HER FOR A LITTLE BIT."
AND SO, I'M IN THE KITCHEN
HAVING SOME WATER.
I'M LIKE, STILL FREAKED OUT.
AND I HEAR THEM TALKING.
SO, MY WIFE GOES, "WHAT DO YOU
WANT TO DO NOW, SWEETIE?"
AND MY DAUGHTER SAYS,
"I WANT TO WATCH A MOVIE."
SO, MY WIFE GOES, "OH,
WHAT DO YOU WANT TO WATCH?"
AND MY DAUGHTER SAYS, "I WANT TO
WATCH 'THE LION KING.'"
[ LAUGHTER ]
"LION KING" IS A GREAT MOVIE
ABOUT AN ADORABLE LION CUB
WHO IS BANISHED AND EXILED
FROM HIS VILLAGE
AND MEETS ALL SORTS OF HELPFUL
ANIMALS ALONG THE WAY,
ONE OF WHOM IS
AN OLD BALD MONKEY
WITH A BRIGHT-WHITE BEARD.
SO, SHE THOUGHT SHE WAS SEEING
HER FRIEND FROM THE MOVIE,
WHICH, BY THE WAY,
WHAT IF I KNEW THAT
TO BEGIN WITH?
THAT STILL WOULDN'T HAVE
HELPED ME.
[ LAUGHTER ]
I COULDN'T HAVE GONE,
"OH, NO, IT'S NOT --
"LOOK, SHE THINKS YOU'RE
A CARTOON MONKEY FROM --
"IT'S FROM A MOVIE.
"SO, THAT'S WHAT SHE'S --
"IT'S COOL.
"IT'S NOT, UH...YEAH.
"HOW ABOUT
THAT W.E.B. DUBOIS, HUH?
"WASN'T HE A GREAT WRITER?
"WASN'T HE SOMETHING?
"YEAH.
WHOO!"
[ LAUGHTER ]
I'M NOT SAYING "LION KING"
IS RACIST.
I'M JUST SAYING
PUT A WARNING STICKER ON IT.
YOU KNOW, "WARNING --
AGES 4 AND UNDER
MAY CAUSE RACE RIOTS."
THAT'S ALL I'M ASKING YOU.
