- [burps]
Hey, everybody,
I'm Amber Ruffin,
and I'm here to talk
about the Little Rock Nine.
I can't reach you.
- I got to you.
- Oh, you got up.
- ♪ One more night ♪
- ♪ Yeah, we're gonna
celebrate ♪
- ♪ One more night ♪
- ♪ All right, oh, yeah ♪
♪ Ta-pa-po-pa-po ♪
Our story starts in Arkansas.
 Little Rock, to be specific.
 It's 1957.
 The Supreme Court
 has just ruled
 in the case of Brown
 versus the Board of Education
 that separate is not equal.
 So their local NAACP went out
 to the black community
 and found nine kids to go
 to Central High School,
 the premier high school
 in Little Rock, Arkansas.
 So these kids are like,
 "We are the Little Rock Nine.
 We are [bleep] nine visions
 of black excellence."
 "We will go to school,
 and we'll change the world.
 It'll be great."
 So then the governor
 of Arkansas, Orval Faubus,
 finds out that these kids
 are planning to integrate,
and this bitch,
Orval Fartbus...
- [laughs]
 - You can fart all you want
 on the Fartbus.
Anyway, Orval Fartbus
was like,
 "Hey, if these kids integrate,
 the streets will run red
 with blood."
 Orval Fartbus is a bitch.
Um...
[laughing]
- No, he's a bitch.
- So, then,
 the kids show up to school
 on September 4th, 1957.
 The first day of school,
 the senior in the group
 of the Little Rock Nine
 is Ernest Green,
 and he is like, "Oh, my gosh.
 There is an ass-load
 of angry white people."
 This angry white mob was like,
 "We don't like you.
 "You need to go away.
 We are going to beat you up...
and hang you from a tree."
That's not funny.
 Meanwhile, on the other side
 of school,
 Elizabeth Eckford, the ninth
 of the Little Rock Nine,
 is like, "Oh, [bleep],
 I'm here all by myself.
 "Oh, my God, there's a huge
 mob of white people.
 This is terrifying."
 They're yelling,
and they have signs,
and they're shouting shit.
 And they are like,
 "Hey. You're white.
 "I mean, I'm white,
 and you're black,
 so that means
 I don't like you."
 So she gathers herself
 and this girl is G'd up,
[bleep] face stone-cold,
and walking through
 these people who want
 to pick her up
 and break her in two,
 just walking through like a G,
 and she sees
 the Arkansas National Guard.
 "They must be here
 to help me," she thinks.
 She quickens her pace,
 and she goes,
 "Hey, these white people
 are trying to kill me.
 Please save me."
 And they, like, block
 her entrance.
 They are letting other
 white students in.
 And she's like,
 "What is the deal?
 "You are the National
 [bleep] Guard.
 If anybody needs to be
 guarded, it's me, here, now."
 So she leaves school.
 She sits down at the bus stop,
 and the white people
 are surrounding her,
 and they're like,
 "Uh, we don't like you.
 You are poopy."
 She waits several minutes
 for the bus.
 The bus pulls up,
 and she's like, "Thank God,
 "I can finally
 get out of here.
 "This isn't the last
 I will see of you,
 "but also, [bleep] [bleep],
 can I just get
 a [bleep] education?"
So...
[burps]
That was the first attempt,
and they lost.
So attempt number two.
 They regroup.
 They go at it again in a week.
 They all got together
 this time,
 and they all entered school
 at the same place
 at the same time.
 The Little Rock police force
 escorts the children
 into school,
 and they say, "Hey, look.
 "Let me catch you
 out on the street
 "any other day,
 and then who knows what,
 but today,
 we'll take care of you."
 They escort the children
 into school,
 and they hold the line
 so that the crazy
 angry white mob does not
 act a fool.
 But the angry mob,
 they break through
 the police line
 and goes into the school,
 and they're like,
 "Ah! We hate black people
 so much!
 We're coming in this school
 to snatch you out."
 So the cops are like,
 "[bleep]."
 So they get away
 in the nick of time
 because these people
 are so angry
 that they, like, beat up cops
 and push them out of the way
so they can get to
these children.
White people.
So they go to their houses.
 These kids are now like,
 "Oh, man.
 "There's nothing we can do.
 I feel very discouraged.
 "All of these white people
 are extra crazy.
 They are very mad."
Ernest Green turns
to the group and he says,
 "You know what, we need
 to continue through to school
 "because all of these
 white people
 "are going to think
 we are to be [bleep] with.
 We absolutely can't give up."
So--ba-ba-da-doo--
 the story of the crazy
 white people of Little Rock,
 Arkansas, finds its way
 to Eisenhower,
 and he is like, "This shit
 is [bleep] embarrassing.
 "These white people
 are [bleep] my shit up.
 "How dare these people think
 that they can use
 mob mentali...ty
 to over...rule?"
[laughs]
None of these words are words
that have ever come out
of my mouth.
[bleep].
 So President Eisenhower says,
 "I'm gonna send in
 1,000 troops
 from the 101st Airborne."
 Not a hundred of them.
 A hundred would have done it.
 Not 200, not 300,
 but 1,000 of these people.
 The Little Rock Nine arrive
 at school together,
 and the 101st Airborne
 is there.
 And they say, "Hey, look,
 we are going to take care
 of you today."
[car horn honks]
 "We're gonna take care
 of you today."
 [horn honks]
 "We are gonna take"--
[laughing]
Beep. Where were we?
 Oh, okay, so they were like,
 "We're gonna take care
 of you today."
 They escort the children
 into school.
 They're holding back
 the crazy white people.
 So the Little Rock Nine
 is like,
 "This is the shit.
 We did it.
 We win everything.
 Hooray for us."
 So they go into school,
 but once they get in
 the school, they realize,
 "Oh, shit. Now we have to
 deal with these children."
 These white children are like,
 "Aha!
 "You finally made it
 into school.
 "Now you belong to us.
 We're gonna beat you up
 every chance we get."
 She's like, "Why?"
 and they're like,
 "We don't know exactly
 why we hate you.
 "We just know
 that it's something
 "our parents have handed down
 to us,
 "and so we're just acting
 in what we believe
 are their best interests."
 And Elizabeth is like,
 "Well, I don't know
 "that that is
 their best interest.
 Maybe if you just
 get along with me..."
 And they're like, "No!"
 [Derek chuckles]
 These children give
 the Little Rock Nine hell
 for a whole year,
 and these little babies
are being the blacketiest
black black that ever blacked,
 and it is blackening up
 my soul.
Okay, so,
 Ernest Green graduated,
 and he was like,
 "Oh, thank God, these people
 almost killed me."
 So Ernest Green walks
 across the stage,
 grabs his diploma,
 looks out in the audience,
 and sees
 Dr. Martin Luther King!
 Ernest was like, "Oh, my God!
 That is Dr. Martin Luther
 the King!"
 He's like, "These people
 almost killed me,
 but I did it,
 isn't this crazy?"
 And then Dr. Martin Luther
 King was like,
 "Well, there's nothing else
 you have to do
 "'cause you've already gone
 through it.
 Good job."
 Oh, look at my nails.
They're so beautiful.
Hi.
Hi, you're so pretty.
 Um...
What was I talking about?
Oh, okay, then the 40-year
anniversary was in 1997.
 Oprah Winfrey had them
 on her show,
 and Oprah Winfrey was like,
 "Hey, Little Rock Nine,
 "guess who I have on the show?
 The children
 that tormented you."
 And the bullies were like,
 "Look, back in 1957,
 "we were little punks,
 but now we're cool dudes
 "who love you,
 and we're sorry
 "because we were mean to you
 "and being mean to black
 people is not cool anymore,
 so we just wanted to absolve
 ourselves of that."
Their apologies were not up
to 2019 standards.
 Their apologies
 were frankly bullshit.
 [Derek laughs]
 But the Little Rock Nine
 forgave them
 for all of the terrible things
 they did,
and, uh, that is more than
[bleep] I ever would've done.
 Okay, so, in 1999,
 President Bill Clinton
 gave each of
 the Little Rock Nine
the Congressional Gold Medal
because what they went through
was [bleep] amazing.
 It's shocking
 that anyone went through it,
 much less children.
Cannot point out enough
that they were children.
- Mm.
- So.
The Little Rock Nine wins.
 Everyone else
 is a piece of shit.
 The end.
Racism is fixed,
and everything's fine.
- Oh, cool.
Happy 2019.
- [laughs]
- Are you cool?
- Happy 2019.
- [laughs]
- Um, I don't know
what I was saying,
but I love margaritas.
And black people!
[gasps]
