-We have a great one
for you tonight.
Charlize Theron will be here
tonight.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Plus, the governor of
our great state of New York,
Andrew Cuomo, is on the show!
[ Cheers and applause ]
Plus, music from
Little Big Town.
They've always been there
for us.
It'll be good to see those guys.
All right.
Let's get to some jokes here,
everybody.
Well, guys, the moment
we've all been waiting for
finally happened.
This weekend,
for the first time,
President Trump
wore a mask in public.
If you didn't see it,
here it is.
[ Camera shutter clicking ]
Yeah, it was a really smart
move...
if today were March 13th.
[ Laughter ]
Well, people think Trump
was wearing a mask,
but surprise,
it was a cake.
[ Laughter ]
Years from now, that mask will
be in the Smithsonian
and none of us will be able
to see it
because we'll still be
in lockdown.
You know we're just a few days
away from Trump claiming
that he was the first
person to wear a mask.
You know that, right?
There's actually a photo of
Trump wearing the mask
later in the day.
Take a look at this.
Can we zoom in?
Nailed it!
In Trump's defense, you'd lower
your mask, too,
if all you could smell were
your own Diet Coke burps.
[ Groaning ]
A few hours later,
he was wearing it
as a banana hammock.
[ Laughter ]
But Trump did eventually
take his mask completely off.
Can we see what the inside of
the mask looked like?
Yeah, "Just don't put it
in the wash, honey.
Don't put it in the wash
with everything else."
Well, just when it seemed
like Trump started
taking the pandemic
more seriously,
the White House has decided
to try to take down
one of their top experts.
-The White House is attempting
to discredit
infectious disease expert
Dr. Anthony Fauci
amid his dire warnings
about the Trump administration's
coronavirus response.
-That's right. And even though
cases are surging
across the country,
Trump is actively trying
to discredit Dr. Fauci,
his top coronavirus expert,
which brings us a segment called
"Couldn'tyajust?!"
-And now,
"Couldn'tyajust?!"
-Hey, President Trump,
I hear you're trying
to undermine Dr. Fauci, your own
expert about coronavirus.
Here's a question -- Couldn't ya
just stop doing that?
Dr. Fauci is the one guy who's
been preparing his whole life
for this situation.
He's like the Ghostbusters
of coronavirus.
He's not great at everything,
but if there's a ghost,
who ya gonna call?
And even now, President Trump,
with the virus surging,
you continue to be all,
"You're not my real dad"
and listen to everyone
but Fauci.
Couldn't ya just not?
It's like the house is one fire,
the fireman's right there,
and instead you call your friend
Dirk over, like, "What do I do?"
Dirk doesn't know anything.
He thinks pandemic
is a cool band name.
And while you're at it,
President Trump,
couldn't you just give America
some faith in our scientists,
instead of calling your own
expert a liar?
It's like the worst
job recommendation ever.
"Terry's a great plumber.
He's been doing it
his whole life.
Also, he knows nothing about
toilets or sinks or water.
Keep him away from pipes."
I mean, couldn't you just
not throw your own guy
under the bus?
Especially when it's this guy?
I mean,
how can you hate that face?
He looks like Stuart Little
grew up
and got his medical degree.
[ Laughter ]
But look,
even if President Trump
is playing KerPlunk
with the nation's health,
then, America, couldn't you just
do what's right any way?
Fauci might not be here
for much longer,
but couldn't you embrace
the Fauch inside of you?
Wear a mask,
and wash your hands,
pronounce soda "soder."
And most of all, don't go
to Dirk's house
to listen to his band's
new demo.
I mean, couldn't ya just?
-This has been
"Couldn'tyajust?!"
-Well, if Trump is looking
to discredit
one of his top medical experts,
he must be getting
his coronavirus information
from a source
that's even more esteemed.
-Instead of Dr. Fauci,
the President today
turning to game show host
and conspiracy theorist
Chuck Woolery.
[ Laughter ]
-That's interesting, but
before I make any decisions,
I want to hear what
Wink Martindale has to say.
[ Laughter ]
Chuck Woolery.
For those of you
who don't know him,
he's a crazy ex-TV host
with a bunch of ex-wives
who loves conspiracy theories.
And now he's retweeting
Chuck Woolery.
[ Laughter ]
[ Laughter continues ]
It's not good --
It's not good we're getting
medical advice
from the former host
of "The Apprentice"
who's getting it from
the former host
of "Love Connection."
Well, just when we thought
Trump's response to the virus
couldn't get any worse,
this weekend he took
his Education Secretary,
Betsy DeVos,
out of packing peanuts
to defend the administration's
push to reopen schools
in the fall.
Here's what she had to say.
-There is nothing in the data
that would suggest
that kids being back in school
is dangerous to them.
-Yeah, she was like,
"Kids need to go back to school.
In fact, people even tell me
that I should go
back to school."
Unfortunately the data
Betsy is talking about
was provided by Chuck Woolery.
[ Laughter ]
And finally,
as the pandemic rages on,
Trump spent Friday dealing
with a more worthy cause.
-President Trump on Friday night
commuted the sentence
of his long-time friend
and political advisor,
Roger Stone.
Stone had been convicted
of crimes,
including lying to Congress,
in part to protect
the President.
-Hey, can we see Roger Stone?
Yeah, it's a shame 'cause
now he can't use his escape plan
of throwing a purple smoke bomb
while a henchman airlifts him
out of the prison yard.
[ Laughter ]
That's the monologue,
everybody.
