 
## **Contents**

Title Page

Copyright

Quotation

Dedications

Opening Thought

 WHAT WE LEAVE BEHIND US

Voices

Drowning

Blue Sky

Contention

Expanse

Kaylee

Kris's Violin

Awakening

Eighth Street

Angelic Cry [déjà vu rebuild]

Beyond

Sight Unseen

Vestige

 WHERE I STRUGGLE

Day

Depression

Rose

Forever; under the sky of blue

Key of the Twilight

Addiction

Radiance

Path

Colors

A Dream of Tomorrow

Eternity's Edge

The Eternal Song, Carried On Rainbow Wings

 WHERE I DECIDE

One Day

Breaking the Cycle

A Calling

Faith

From before the dawn

Gate

I Remember Your Name But I Won't Use It

Note

Remnant

Fear

Stars

Forever~Goodbye

The Girl & The Sun [Far Side of Infinity Edit]

 WHERE THINGS CHANGE

A Finite Infinity

Alex

34th & 7th

In the corner

Hesitance

Alone with you

Breathless

Sight

Loves Expression

Intermezzo

Our World at the Edge of my Limits

The Story of my Death and of What Came Next

Breath of a Dragon

Luis Angel Greer

Copyright © 2017, 2018, 2019 Luis Greer

Thank you for downloading this ebook. This book remains the copyrighted property of the author and may not be redistributed to others for commercial or non-commercial purposes. If you enjoyed this book, please encourage your friends to download their own copy from their favorite authorized retailer. Thank you for your support.

This edition is published by the author.

Contact at LuisAngelGreer@gmail.com

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Website: luisangelgreer.wixsite.com/index

Breath of a Dragon

This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents either are the product of the author's imagination or are used fictitiously and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, business establishments, events or locales is entirely coincidental.

Version 1.2.1

Published by Luis Greer at Smashwords.

"I want my home to exude good vibes and protective energy.

I wish for it to welcome the weary soul or the stranger without me having to say a word.

To the heartbroken or lost friend in need of a safe haven,

I offer my home to you... If I can give a loved one safety and security inside the walls I call my own,

my life will know more meaning than I've ever dreamed before."

-Cassie Esoff

To those who choose to read this,

I lived a lifetime walking a fine line between the world my senses told me was real and ones my soul yearned to create. Within the depths of my mind there exist so many stories I want to bring into this world with you. I died with that desire left unfulfilled. In death I struggled to decide if I wanted to press onward. Between the faith of my love soothing my pains and my need to see the world that my children will create I awoke again into this life. As I try to find my path forward in this new life I am thankful for the chance to share my dreams, my vision and my hope with all those who will hear my words.

To my love,

I miss you every day. I do believe everything is as it needs to be; but will forever regret the feelings I never found myself able to convey in the time we had together. In every beat of my heart I feel your hopes for me, urging me to become more than I ever believed I could be. You gave me the strength to endure my death.

To my children,

Seven days passed for you as I was dead to this world; I'm sorry it took me so long to find my way back. Know that the last thought I had in death was one of regret that I would never see you again. The first experience I had in this lifetime was awaking to the tears that thought invoked. You give me the strength to fight for my life.

Here reside those thoughts that shall remain in the moment.

The verses that don't change this life or guide my fate.

The words that merely allow for the expression of the soul.

To let that, which is me, be known to the world.

WHAT WE LEAVE BEHIND US
Voices

There is a voice at the start of time.

There is a voice at the end of time.

Throughout existence they hear one another.

They comfort one another.

They struggle with one another.

They know the distance between them is near infinite.

There is but a single moment in all of time they meet.

So each builds their own world;

One moving forward,

One moving back,

Endlessly in cycle.

But maybe not endlessly.

Maybe there is a way.

A plan that can be made,

To end this cycle;

A plan already in motion.

There are two voices reaching across time.

Desperately seeking the moment their voices touch;

Hoping they can create a new tomorrow.
Drowning

I stand here, at this familiar shore

Listening to the crashing of the waves against the rocks in the distance

Feeling what was once a mighty squall now gently gliding over my feet

As I stand here, looking out across the expansive sea

I can't help but feel that the impact of my life on this world demands more

I am slowly falling into the same trap as so many others I know

Trying to weigh my self-worth while still so limited in my perceptions

Within, I know there can be no true judgment until the final star of creation goes dark

Yet, in the sky, a burning red glow

A sun, seemingly fighting against the pull of nature

Half bathed in the waters depths

Fighting to keep the day going just a little while longer

As I watch, a flurry of colors burst forth into the sky, rebuking the impending night

I'm reminded of what it was like to be here in my youth

As a small child running along the shoreline, jumping into and out of this water

Being struck by wave after wave as I tried to get as far from shore as I could

Only to eventually be overwhelmed by the force of the currents

To find myself being carried back to shore, knowing the cycle would only repeat again

At times I would just sit at the waterline in the sand

Enjoying the calm that can just sweep over the surface

Then there were the occasions I kept my distance, knowing I couldn't handle the tidal forces

The memories that stand out the most in my mind are those of unexpected fear

They are of the times when I would just walk out into the water

Going further and deeper, letting the water engulf me

Stretching as far as I could on my toes to keep my head above water

Forcing the currents into taking a new shape, a new path, on their way to shore

Until, I take that one more step and find the sunken earth no longer there to support me

All at once I am consumed by the water, no longer with a sense of up or down

I knew in my heart there was no one to save me

I also knew there was no way for me to save myself

For a time, I lose track of what it is to be me

My vision has been taken from me; open or closed my eyes see the same darkness

The whole of my body feeling only the rushing currents that have taken hold of me

I know there is only so long I can hold my breath

Only so long I can keep my thoughts and hold onto what little sense of self I have left

Then there is a calm

I breathe in, not because I know it is safe but because I have no choice

Feeling air fill my lungs I open my eyes, I lay, watching the sky and sea

I lay there, bruised and cut, strength depleted

I did this many times in my life, more than I can count

Until one day, walking out into the sea, feeling the water at my chest, I stopped
Blue Sky

Often I sit, in the still of my mind.

Remembering a place long since lost.

I recall it whenever I can; the sight is beautiful.

The breeze, cooled slightly as it skims the water's surface,

Before gliding over my skin.

The sun is shining so perfectly in the blue sky,

Enough to sparkle, but not to blind.

The clouds race before it, swaying with the wind.

I watch the sky, so large, so deep.

The blue is endless, as it pierces through the clouds flying overhead.

I lie, rocking in the wind, lost in my carefree youth.

The wonders of the day seem so eternal, so natural.

She rests beside me, against me, on me.

I feel her, and still it seems eternal, natural.

I close my eyes, and feel the warmth of the sun flood over me.

Much to my surprise, I realize the warmth is not from the world, but from the heart.

My mind, body, and soul, at peace; in this moment, life's worth realized.

Like all moments, it ends; in a flash, I am alone, lying upon the earth.

No longer floating above in my moment.

Now living in the next, wondering why

That moment could not have lasted forever.

Days go by, I look at the sky, it is never the same;

The blue never seems as deep, the sun striving for a brilliance it only knew once.

The sky may never be as blue, or sun as bright,

But in my thoughts, and within my heart,

I shall forever see this perfect moment.

So as I sit, in the calm of night, the moon above, the stars hanging

In the once blue sky, I think to myself thoughts of depth and truth.

Forgetting the simplicity of life's grander things.

Too often questioning how, than seeing why.

I have looked at the moment,

Tried to see what it meant,

Tried to create it anew all with failed attempts.

I have forgotten the beauty of what it once was,

A moment without thought,

With no cause or design.

It was simply just

A moment

That existed in time.
Contention

I look at you

And I know the truth of my mind

I have affirmation of my course

I look at you

And I know the truth of my spirit

I have affirmation of my course

I look at you

And I know two truths

Each in opposition to the other

Can both be right?

Could both be wrong?

Which is my path?
Expanse

I know that beyond my sight

There lies a vision that needs to be seen

At times, on nights such as this

I look to the heavens for the answers I cannot find

There is so much depth to this world; this life

A life that I view in much the same way that I see the sky above

As I gaze upon the night sky

Into the star filled expanse

I forget that there is more to the universe then my eyes can see

So often I believe that I am looking at all there is

Some moments I even believe

I am almost close enough to reach out

And grab hold of that furthest star
Kaylee

I see her sitting there, in the corner

She is too young to know why she is so afraid

Still, she knows to be fearful

I can do nothing, say nothing

Everything that I had up till now thought to do, erased

All of those moments spent in daydreams

Never once was it like this

In my most pleasant of fantasy, her joy was unsurpassed

Then there were the bleaker departures

Filled with anger and rage

All of which was directed towards me

Rightfully so

How is it that after so much time spent planning

Could I have managed to overlook this outcome

To have her frozen by fear

So much alike her and I

As I stand here now, unable to do anything but watch

My heart has beat at least a thousand times in these few moments

She starts to walk towards me

I believe that my heart will beat another thousand times before she reaches me

It is all I can do to try and keep it from exploding or stopping in fear

I understand her reaction better now

I kneel, looking at her eye to eye

I feel my body relax, I begin to smile

She smiles too

I hold her; hold her and stand

Her grip is so tight for someone so small, so young

She shakes, her body reacting to her emotions

Reacting to her tears

I feel them, rolling from her cheek to my own

Stinging me as they contact my flesh

As if carrying an electric charge

She pauses

Her tears, her shaking, her breath, her heart

All freeze for a moment

She looks up

In that instant I was changed

I still don't know what it was that made her look to me

Maybe it was just a desire to see me clearer

I'll always believe though

The reason she stopped, is the same reason I am a new man

I shed a tear

Overwhelmed by her, all that she was, all she means to me

I knew her for only a moment, and still loved her so completely

And so I cried

A tear of regret

Composed of such a strong sense of love

Most of all, a tear that carried with it all that which I was

The lone tear of a sinner

It was against my flesh for just a second, if even

As soon as it was created, it reached out for her brow

My tears mixing with her own

Much to my amazement there was a reaction

Not one of sight or sound

Nothing of significance to anyone else

Still, I felt it

A feeling of warmth, of acceptance

In that moment my sins washed away

The purity and innocence of her heart and her love

Enough to, in a single unrealized action, release my burdens

I wiped away our tears as I held her

I cried so many more once she was gone
Kris's Violin

I asked if she would play me a song

She asked what kind

Whatever you want to hear was my reply

So she sat, lifting her instrument to her chin

The bow gently laid upon the strings

The first note was played

I listened as her song took shape

Following the subtle changes in pitch and tone

At times the melody was slow

Only to then burst free in a flurry of sound

I close my eyes as my mind climbed the scales

My heart beating to the rhythm of her song

Then, without warning, the final cord is struck

My body falls to rest

My heart falls silent

My soul is set free
Awakening

I look at the world around me

Everything is familiar

Everything is as it should be

So why then is it that nothing feels right?

I feel as if I've just awakened

There is a haze

A distortion

This world seems just a little off.

I look into the mirror

I see myself

I know it is my reflection

Yet the eyes looking back seem foreign.

Everything is as it should be

Everything but me

I am not myself

My perception is askew.

Or maybe

Maybe this is clarity

I close my eyes

I am amazed by what I see.

I see a future

I see a tomorrow to look forward to

I see my reflection

The smile seems foreign, but I don't mind.
Eighth Street

I turn off the engine

Roll down the window

Light a cigarette

And listen to songs I shouldn't

I question why I am here

I already know the answer

I ask myself what I want to say

I've had it planned for days

I wonder what you will say

And I become paralyzed

Suddenly, a numbness washes over me

Realizing the cigarette has been long extinguished

Knowing now it is my breath I see

In this instant I am brought back to reality

To the reality of this moment

I question if the numbness I feel is from the cold

Or if the shaking is from something else

I have to act now, to make it stop

There is nothing left to do

I turn on the engine

Raise the window slightly

Light a cigarette

And drive in silence
Angelic Cry [déjà vu rebuild]

I lay upon this hallowed earth, gazing into the night sky

Watching as the stars shine and dance across the heavenly expanse

And as I lay, and fall into calm, I begin to hear a distant cry

A young child, screaming frantically in the night

I dash from my restful state, following her echoed cries into the woods

I press on, faster and faster, moving towards the sound

The trees, so dense and tall, block all but a trickle of the moons reflected light

Still I run, faster and faster, listening to the voice from within the trees

The deeper I venture, the more certain I become

That my presence is an unwelcome one

I could feel an evil lurking all about

Existing in the deep, dark shadows

I could feel their breath upon my flesh

But never would they come into sight

They were forcing me away

The child's calls were growing more distant

As now I was running from my own demons

I continued on and on, determined to find my way

There was nothing, no matter how hard I ran, nothing but more trees ahead

And a voice growing ever more faint, lingering within the wood

Just then, as if the very air I breathe became no more

I was overcome by a sense of self-doubt

And doubled-over, crashing to my knees

My mind, ravaged by my memories, my regrets

I could so clearly see, all the innocent souls I had hurt

Suddenly I realized, I could never find this poor child

What could I do for that lost soul

Then noticing I could no longer hear her cries

I questioned myself, if it could have been a deception

I know I have deceived myself many times

And as quickly as I had made my way to this spot, I tried to make my way back

Running to where I was, in the calm

Without thought I was moving

But where was I going

No longer was I questing to save this young child

Now I am just running from these woods

From the dark thoughts they invoked within me

Only now, once more, there is no end

Nothing lies before me, but another tree, and another, and another

Slowly, without thought I let go of promises made

Leaving the child

Wandering further, until I collapse once more

My self-doubt comes upon me

Binding me to the ground upon which I lay

I cannot move, frozen by the knowledge I can't

Feeling the cold breath of this forests demons once again descending on me

I close my eyes

And try to scream

Screams of pain

Screams of anger

Screams of weakness

But I can't

Perhaps, I think, this is my place

This is where my journey leads me

What person is more deserving then I

What better prison then one of the mind

This is my own hell

This is my insanity

This is my reality

This is what I deserve

I lost my innocence

I lost my one

I lost my right to happiness

Most of all

I lost the child, whose cries still linger with me

My eyes, my teeth, my fists, all clenched

As my mind begins to drift into my memories

I see myself, I see us

Walking hand in hand

Wondering how he could ever stand

To hold such an impure hand

Pausing to look into his eyes

Questioning how he does not see

The vile person standing before him

I turn away

I can feel them

These memories that we had shared

That I have both cursed and cherished

Now fading into the aether

My eyes begin to open

I look upon myself

Seeing myself naked

Feeling myself empty

I think for a moment to leave

But still I cannot stand

I can see before my eyes

Distant memories as they fade from who I am

Knowing I can no longer hold onto them

Knowing that what's done, is done

Is this regret

Yes, but it isn't what I expected

I wish

I wish I had never known those moments

I wish I had never felt those feelings

I wish he never had to know this face

I wish it could all simply be erased

I wish

I wish I did not have a tear, running down my face

I stand here, upon this earth

Stand upon the suffering I have caused

Through the games that I have played

Through the manipulations I laid

Through the fools who I fooled

Through the mask of innocence I wore

By this, I have made the ground beneath my feet

This is it, it must end

My days of fantasy

Done now is the life that I have seen

No longer will I be

I shall remain in the depths

In this darkness

Never looking beyond that door

Upon the emptiness within my heart

I hear her cry once more

Echoing through these woods

And softly I reply,

Be silent

The person you cry for is gone

There is no one to help you

No one to be by your side

You have been left alone

We are left alone

To wait for judgment

To make pence

To heal
Beyond

Suffocated by the rules

Caught up in the turmoil of the everyday

How do I set myself apart

To fulfill my boundless goals

I once believed I would simply awaken to a new tomorrow

But now my faith has moved

Now I see it must come from within

Change is instigated by our will struggling against the world

But even something as grand as creation must eventually capitulate

I will strip the laws of my consciousness

Freeing myself of those artificial limits created for me

I will stand on a crowded street corner

And from that corner I will scream out

Shouting until my voice is carried to the heavens

To tell the universe that I am ready

Ready and no longer waiting
Sight Unseen

I have memories that can only find their way to me in the night

There is one, I feel you once again in my arms

Your body clenched around me; your chest pressed to mine

I feel your body quivering against me; at first I believe you are cold

Perhaps I have left a window open; I can be forgetful of those things

You tell me there is no chill and you rest your head to my heart

I stand there, pondering all the things that it could be

You look up at me; you look into my eyes

I find my thoughts getting lost in the space between

I notice you are beginning to calm down

Your breath slowed, as a gentle smile spreads across your face

I am captivated by the sight; I always find your smile so overwhelming

I rest my forehead down upon yours

I felt something, a tear, dashing down my cheek

It was then I realized that I was the one being held
Vestige

We came here together, in another life

Ran barefoot through the grass

The wind carrying your hair

Those childhood memories seem so far away

The wind doesn't flow like it once did

I look out across the sky

To the birds soaring above

I want to join them

I race across the field, wings spread

But the wind does not carry me

Life was better then

With you by my side

Stirring up the winds

With you I could soar

Traverse the heavens

I know that you are up there

Somewhere beyond my sight

I wish I could be beside you once more

Safe and secure

Our wings spread, soaring through the skies

WHERE I STRUGGLE
Day

I lay in darkness for a moment. I know a new day has come and it has come earlier than I would have preferred. How much earlier is the question? I lay here for a moment, debating if I wish to know the answer. I can't honestly think of a single good thing that will come from knowing no matter which way the answer goes. This is the moment I realize I have fallen into the trap of a new dawn. It is a trap I have been the victim of countless times before; yet every time I fail to notice until I am too far into its grasp. All this thinking and contemplating has dragged me headlong out of whatever fanciful world I was just a part of and pulled me into my life; awake to the point that independent of the time, I know I will not know the reprieve of sleep for many, many hours.

I decide it is time, so I take that final step towards the dawn and I open my eyes. I am greeted by utter darkness. For a second I am a little concerned by just how little sleep I must have gotten. It is then, as the faint hum of a distant buzzing starts to make its way into my ears, that I push the pillow off my head and blink as I adjust to the light of day. I hear the buzzing clearer now. It is a noise that makes two things clear to me. The first is that it is clearly after seven as otherwise my alarm would not be going off. The second is that I will have to spend the first few moments of my day trying to fish my phone out from behind my night stand before I decide the next part of my morning.

Now, it isn't so much the level of difficulty of the hunting for the phone which annoys me; although it does. It is more the fact that this is the first activity I now need to do today. It annoys me to have the choice of what to do first taken away. I know of course what a rational person may think, "If it bothers you that much then just leave it for now and move on." This for me though is not on my list of ways this situation can be handled and it's been excluded for two reasons. The first, no matter how far away I move, no matter how many rooms are between me and this buzzing phone, I will hear it... not right away of course. It might take five, ten, maybe even thirty minutes, but I will hear it and it will torment me.

The second reason, and might I add, the 'real' reason, it will also eventually reach the ears of my girlfriend who is still sleeping. Now granted I do have some time. She sleeps with ear plugs because she has a rare medical condition that makes her brain think I snore in the middle of the night. That aside, the buzzing will eventually wake her up before she needs to wake up and that inevitability will lead to nothing good. In that moment I will quickly have my entire morning laid out on an unavoidable destiny of breakfast preparation followed by half conscience pawing by her for a time of no less than twenty minutes. This, unlike most of my perceptions isn't simply based on predictive responses. No my good friend, this has been tested. Tested might not be the best word. This has happened and let it not be said that I don't learn my lesson... eventually... sometimes.

I manage to hook the charging cable with my finger, making the process of recovery so much easier than it could have been. At least it isn't a worst-case scenario. I pull myself up with the nightstand, triumphant with phone in hand. I look down at the bed, at her curled up on the far side of the mattress. I debate for a moment if I can manage to slip back into bed and lay with her for a while without waking her. The girl is a curious sleeper, departing the bed, even in a rush, elicits no response. The act of getting back into the bed though, this is a different story. It is an action that requires a level of stealth only witnessed in the movies. At best I would have a three out of ten chance to pull it off.

While there are certainly days when I do take those odds, I feel like today isn't one of them. I know that she is tired and has no alarms set to wake her. I stand there for another moment; I try to make it one of those long moments. You know the ones where ten seconds somehow manage to equal out to both the ten seconds that have passed by, yet also an amount of time a few moments short of an eternity. To my disappointment this moment didn't traverse the boundaries of time and space. I smile at her, not an intended action, more a reflex of watching her just lying there. I look at where the line of sun light is resting on her and quickly do the math as to how long until it makes its way up to her eyes. I figure she has at least ninety minutes. So I leave the curtains as they are and head out into the house.

I gingerly open and close the door, yet another process in the morning routine that has become perfected. I take my standard two steps forward on the wood floors and bend down as the sound of manic clawing in quick approach fills the house. Our little pet Chihuahua, Nixx, full of excitement for his morning walk runs over to say good morning. It is an interesting confluence of events that led to me being the co-owner of a dog I could easily fit in a glove-box.

I've always liked having dogs. I'm not really sure exactly what it is, but I've always found it pleasant to have a dog around. In the past... and honestly the present, I would never consider such a little package of anxiety and fur as a dog I would want. We have had him for about six months now. His story with us begins on a morning the absolute inverse of today. I was sleeping-in after having a long night and my girl was doing her best to get ready and out the door without waking me. Of course, her 'best' does certainly leave much to be desired as an effective process, the flaws aren't all that bad. When she wakes me in the morning it is met with a smile and a kiss. As apologies go, I can't really think of any better. It is an art though that I have failed to master. I'm not sure why she can pull it off and I can't, but I also don't really care, I'm just happy that on those mornings the first thing I see is her smiling face. I don't tell her this of course; I still want her to at least attempt to be a ninja in the morning, but I'm also pretty sure it isn't really a secret.

On this particular morning after my love inevitably woke me during the make-up application phase of her preparation for the day I decided to give her the room. It was a fairly rare morning where such a high level of make-up artistry was already in full swing. I'm sure on that morning I knew exactly where she was going, in this current moment of time I'm left only with my best guess. I'm going to say opening week of new employment. I debated saying opening weeks... but seeing as she already had me to come home to each night I know that she wouldn't have felt the need to maintain that level of presentation for all that long a period of time.

She has an interesting habit where she feels the need to prove that she deserves to remain hired just after starting a new job. As if the application and interview where still an ongoing process. Now please don't misunderstand me, I'm not saying that this is bad. In my youth I might even have shared a similar mindset. The only person I can speak for is the man I am now, and this person, while feeling a duty to fulfill my job as effectively as possible also knows that at the core of it, it is the employer who is lucky to have me, not the other way around.

Enough about me and my "lovable arrogance."

I sat in the living room of our small home, passively paying heed to the flurry of activity that was taking place between the bedroom and the bath. It is almost amazing how quickly she can just flip some mental switch in her mind once I am no longer viewed as a sleeping child to be tip-toed around. In my honest opinion I think she would be better served by just maintaining the casual flow she was in before I began my daily exploratory mission of the house; but I will never (and by never here I mean absolutely never except when the timing is horrible and then I'll just go ahead because I'm overly self-destructive and 'reasons') tell her how I think there might be, at times, a 'better way' to apply her make-up.

Eventually, as was destined to happen, it was time for her to depart. Of course it took about three reminders and the realization that breakfast was going to be skipped to actually get her out of the door, but this is the girl who was unabashedly about forty-five minutes late for our first date. Granted, at the time I did fib to her that I arrived only shortly before her as opposed to the truth of the twenty-minute grace period I had given myself. In time she eventually came to learn the truth and seemed to be quite embarrassed. From my point of view my sole objective that day was to ensure that I didn't make this girl I was getting to know wait a moment by herself; regardless of how long I needed to wait, I achieved my goal so that was all I cared about. In retrospect, I'm extraordinarily glad that at the time I kept my earlier arrival a secret from her. After our lunch, standing alongside her car in the parking lot, we shared our first kiss. I would have hated if even for a moment of it I questioned if it was out of guilt instead of desire.

She left and I sat trying to decide how I would spend my day. Media consumption was a certainty, but the format and subject-matter could sometimes be hard to identify. As I sat uncertain as to how I wanted to spend my day I heard the sound of a person making their way from the driveway to the door. I took a long second to think if there was anything I was aware of that she might have left behind which I could quickly grab and meet her at the door with, saving time on her now, most definitely behind schedule trip to work. I got up, opened the door, and saw her holding this tiny little dog in her arms.

Now truth be told, this was not the first time that this scenario had played out. It was the second. The first time she brought home a dog which was abused and sick and which ended up at the pound to be tended to within an hour or so as it was well beyond my ability to care for. This time around it was an adorable little thing. The kind of creature I'm sure she saw alone in the field behind our home and immediately wished she could actually throw a Poké Ball at. She smiled; I could sense that she was, in her own way, asking permission for the dog to stay in my care while she worked. I know that for some reason she felt a sense of guilt; as if this was some grand imposition for me to undertake. I just smiled, took the dog and asked her to drive safely.

As she left I felt a nice feeling wash over me, I now had something to do today. It had been over ten years since I last had a pet, so the priority became dog thing acquisition. I had to remind myself in the moment that there would eventually be a search for an owner, so to keep myself from buying things that wouldn't be required in the short term.

I'm not the kind of person who will ever view an animal as a 'family member' but I will say there will always be a special place in my heart for this little animal who was lost in the world and who we were able to extend the safety of our home to for these past six months. As I descended the stairs of the porch with little Nixx leading the charge at the end of his leash, I take a quick glace in the house as I close the door, and I think back to one of the favorite conversations I had about house and home.

It was a few months into our relationship. I lived in the home that we now share; she lived with her parents who were, unknown to her at the time, though in plain view for my eyes to see, in preparation for a divorce. I remember at least once or twice trying to make clear my thoughts on what seemed on the horizon for her parents. I'm not sure if it was because I myself had never known a home with two parents and as such she dismissed my observation, or if maybe it was a denial type situation. Either way, it wasn't an issue I saw a pressing need to prove, so I left it at a simple warning of what I perceived and let it play out as it would.

At this time in our relationship if we wanted to spend time together it was almost certain to happen at my home. Primarily for the privacy that it afforded, but also in no small part due to my allergies to cats. Her mother had two feline demons that made an extended stay in her home a risk to my life. In fact, there is only a single night, her twenty-first birthday, which I spent a night at her parents' house, and even that was a last minute request of the birthday girl.

On this particular day in my memories, I received a message from a friend of ours inquiring as to my girl's whereabouts. I had yet to speak to her that day, which wasn't completely abnormal but was certain to not be truth before the close of day. From just a week or so after we started talking to each other we got into a natural cadence of finding a reason every day to text one another; reasons which became much easier to find once "good morning" and "I love you" texts became normal. Our friend seemed rather surprised I was both unaware not just of my loves current whereabouts but also if I'd being seeing her later that night. It seems she had been able to uncover a hidden code that my girl was using without even being aware of it. A code which, the discovery of, made me happy in a way I was unfamiliar with in my life up until that point. The code went like this, in our friend's words:

"If I ask her where she is or where she is going, and she says her 'house' that means her parents. If I ask her and she says 'home' that means she is with you."

I've never spoken to my girlfriend about this I don't think. I don't spend my time listening for the way which she says 'home' when she speaks of our place. But I do know that is the moment that I started thinking of the house I live in as a home. I would be hard pressed to give someone an actual account of the number of places I have lived in my life. Even this house... this home, I have moved in and out at least three different times that easily come to mind, but I'm left with the feeling the number should be a little higher. I even lived here with my ex-wife and our children and yet not until that discussion with our friend, not until that simple conversation, have I ever thought of any place as a "home."

I look down at Nixx as he is fully immersed in sniffing a traffic sign. I know that if I told him it was time to go back home, he would know where we were going and almost certainly wonder why I was cutting our morning walk so short. I can't help but wonder if he is capable of making the same kind of association with the meaning of "home" as I now have. It took me over thirty years to finally have a concept of what a home was. I won't say I completely believe it is impossible for this small creature to share that same sense as I have, but I will say I would be honestly surprised to learn he feels the same as I do. I want to say the same way that 'we' do there, but honestly it isn't a topic that she and I discuss. We should... but we don't. I know she still mostly sees our situation as her living in my home. I want her to know, to understand, that this structure was never a "home" for me until it was ours. I want her to know this truth... but I never tell her.

I walk with Nixx around the playground and towards the walking circle in the park. On a morning like this, when I don't have anything to be doing and the weather is nice I pretty much just let us kind of lead each other around until we happen to end up back at the house. The home that we live in is pretty small, even more so for Nixx when my children aren't with us as I'll tend to keep their bedroom closed off.

I've questioned a few times exactly why I do this. It isn't to keep the dog out; it is a habit that predates his residence with us. There is a part of me that thinks I just don't like seeing their empty beds. I don't know though. I'm not really that sentimental of a person and I have a hard time believing that such a reason would be able to overwhelm my subconscious so much that it could hardwire the habit of closing their bedroom door when they aren't home. I don't really spend much time thinking of it; even now I can't remember the last time that this thought passed through my mind. Still though, I know it isn't the first time. I miss them when they aren't home with us. I don't mind that they live with their mother, though I do wish they spent more time with me, but it needs to be one way or the other and for all involved I suppose this is the best way. My ex-wife has a big support network in her family and friends... I don't have anyone in my life that supports me who doesn't live with me.

My children were quite excited by the addition of the dog to the home. Their mother is not really the pet keeping type, at least not that I've ever seen in her. I remember taking care of a stray dog once upon a time in this home when my ex-wife lived with us. She refused me from letting the dog in the home and was quick to correct our oldest son when he used the pronoun "our" in reference to the dog. Honestly, if their mother wasn't living with us at that time I imagine that the dog that followed me home that winters night would have ended up being "our dog."

As Nixx and I leave the looped path heading back towards the house, we stop for an aberrant moment which has unfolded before us. He is staring at a pigeon which obstinately has decided to buck against the normalcy of the unspoken agreement between Nixx and the local birds and not yield to the path he has chosen. I could easily end this stalemate in either sides favor I saw fit, yet I find myself frozen in place, not wanting to influence the events that are unfolding for these two. It may seem to many to be a strange thing to focus on. We all know both Nixx and I will be returning home shortly, nothing that this bird does is going to change that outcome, or seemingly affect either of our lives in any meaningful way. Still though, the simply rarity of a bird just ignoring our presence has my interest in their interaction peaked for now.

I do glace quickly towards the house, checking for a sign of life that would signal that my sleeping beauty was up and about, perhaps giving me a reason to force my will upon these two. From my eyes the house appears as dormant as it could be and in my chest I don't feel as if she is seeking me, so I settle in accepting this will have to be solved between the two of them. Now, the situation itself resolved rather quickly. After a moment of indecision Nixx slowly approached in rapid fire sniffing mode and the pigeon flew off in some direction I didn't care enough to make a mental note of. For me though, the way I live life, always looking as many steps ahead as I can, I find a unique form of inspiration in those unpredictable moments.

After that it was an uneventful final leg of the journey back to the door. There wasn't even a single spot worth taking an extended sniff at (I feel it should go without saying, but I also feel a need to say it... the dog.) Once inside and free from his leash Nixx quickly makes his way back to his bed in the corner and curls up with his sweater. This signifies that without the clacking of his nails on the faux wood floors, it will likely be at least another hour or so until she is awake.

I'm debating what I want to drink. I'm not really a morning coffee person, at least not anymore. That is a habit that I lost when I gave up working my nine-to-five. Additionally, she didn't drink it, so making it for just myself always seemed like a waste of my time. If I enjoyed the drink more I'm sure I wouldn't have seen it in that way, but to me it definitely wasn't worthy of the labor cost involved in the preparation. If I had decided to make tea, which isn't something I am ever highly likely to decide on my own, that might have caught her nose. In the end, I go with some orange juice. When it comes to eating a fruit or vegetable it comes down to mostly being something I'm forced to do, but orange juice is always welcome. I have a love for the tartness of citrus which is undeniable and definitely not shared by my love.

I sit on the couch, look over at the dog nuzzled up, clearly satisfied after our walk. The sweater was originally intended to act as a bed for him. It was a sweater my girl had from her summer job. It's a hooded sweatshirt with the connected pocket in front for your hands. For a piece of what I would label 'cheap merchandise' it did appear as if it would be quite comfortable. The young pup though, being of a mind able to see the hidden potential in the world around him, was able to re-purpose this, let's say temporary loan that quickly became a gift. Within a short while of being left to his own devices with the sweatshirt, he had for lack of better phrasing (and because I like this phrasing,) made it his bitch. My girl did make at least one attempt that I recall to dissuade this behavior but was met with failure in the endeavor. For my part, while it wasn't a thought I had until I witnessed the behavior, I was just glad that it was something of hers that had become claimed by the dog in this way.

I decide that I'll just listen to some music until I'm able to share some morning conversation. Clearly I'll be doing this with headphones, but I'm not sure I feel like wearing my heavy wireless 7.1 surround sound ones. I know that there is a difference in sound quality from my ear-buds but I really don't care. The only reason I own the wireless ones is because I tend to stay up much later than anyone else in the house and it seemed the easiest way to not disturb anyone.

There are people in this world who try to get the highest quality possible from their music that they can. For me music quality has honestly never really mattered all that much. I listen to music as a way of hearing what I refer to as the "symphony of creation." To me, a song is different every time I hear it. It is brought alive to the soul not just by its melodic nature but also by the moment which we are listening to it in. Depending on surroundings, mood, context, the soul of the song resonates differently to my senses. I'm unsure if this is an everybody thing, it doesn't matter to me if it is or isn't, it is just the way I have built my world, and I'm happy with the way it is.

One of my favorite things about dating is learning the songs that someone I care about resonates with. I know that I'll never hear a song in the same way they do. The way I hear my world is shaped by my past, by the lessons and scars that I carry forward with me into each new day. It is an honor in my eyes to have someone share with me the songs that they enjoy, even if they don't have any more of a reason for liking them then, "it's good." It isn't always that someone else's songs will become a part of my playlist, but when it does, I know that even though my memories are naturally hard for me to hold on to in the way I wish I could, I will forever have a connected moment with a person I cherish.

For us, the artist of hers that has completely infiltrated my playlist is James Bay. At the time I agreed to go see him in concert I kind of knew one song and it was one that would almost always get me to change to a different preset on the car stereo. Upon the agreement to see him live in the city I decided I should at least get to know his music catalog, which was thankfully something reasonable to study with only a single album having been released. I listened to that album in the car in its entirety for a few weeks on my drives to and from work. While even now I have some songs I clearly like more than others, I do appreciate the album in its entirety. The only thing that 'bothers' me is the separation in what we each consider our favorite song. Mine is hands down "Collide" hers I honestly just don't like. She likes "Best Fake Smile." It is an upbeat song, and lyrically it is, I suppose, a positive song, but to me, the way I hear it, I just don't like it.

That being said, I will never skip it if she is listening with me. Even if she isn't with me I'm likely to listen to at least the first verse or so. I guess I just hope that one day I'll hear something in it as she does. I don't think that I ever will, I don't expect to, but I certainly wouldn't mind having that sound trigger something in me similar to the way it does for her. She also has a perplexing like of some music that I label as country, that I passively try to listen to, but really just don't think I'll ever be able to get behind. Thankfully I can't imagine there ever being a need in my life for me to put up with it for an extended period of time.

As a couple, we've gone into the city a few times, for many different reasons, but the trip for that concert was my favorite trip in. The reason it was my favorite trip is ostensibly silly, I took my favorite photo of her that day. It's funny; I'm sure if asked in a vacuum without any form of context what my favorite photo of her was I would bet money she would guess something with her in a playful state of undress. The simple truth is, waiting in line to enter the venue, she decided to look at me while biting the collar of my shirt and I happened to have my phone in hand and took a picture. It's a simple picture, just her being silly with a nondescript brick wall behind her, but I know my, I mean KNOW, my life would have less value if I didn't have that picture to look back upon. Just something in the way my soul stirs when I look at it.

It's interesting too; I doubt she would ever guess that picture. It isn't on my phone background, was only shortly her picture in my contacts (I tend to save that for animated photos for some reason) and I don't believe it was ever posted on social media. It's really just a photo for me. A cherished moment in time I was fortunate enough to capture for myself with a sense of permanence. Even now, recalling it, I could easily pull up the photo, but I won't, but I can still feel my heart race a bit faster as a part of me is allowed to drift back into that moment.

Through the sound of melody's dancing in my ears I hear the distinct sound of the bathroom door closing, she is awake.

At a certain level we all have our built in habits, formed for one reason or another, that just are a part of who we are. For her, an immediate trip into the bathroom upon waking up is just a part of who she is. I'm fairly certain at least sixty percent of the mornings she doesn't even use the bathroom. This is an untested assertion, but one that I feel confident in making given different factors that are most certainly not worth bring up. I feel everyone is entitled to their own bathroom habits, so long as they don't bother anyone else. I shall now take a moment to be thankful for the day my youngest son finally was able to complete all his bathroom needs without requiring assistance. I will never fault him for the time it took, but am grateful all the same for its conclusion.

One of the hardest choices I made as a father was deciding when to convert my youngest son's crib to a bed. For anyone who isn't a parent, or, and excuse me for sounding judgmental, isn't a parent who considers consequences in advance, let me explain a little. He has some developmental issues, and for as alert a person as I am, once he was in a bed it meant that he could, and would, have free access to the house unsupervised. While there aren't notable dangers in my home, children have a natural talent for finding dangers. It is how we learn as humans, myself especially. I'm certain I was told by my many people, many times, to not touch something hot because it would burn... that being said, I know all too well what it feels like to be burned by something that is too hot. Thankfully there were never any bad results from the conversion. Unless you ask my girl on a morning we forget to lock our bedroom and he pounces on us to say good morning... though I still find it adorable, but I make sure to keep my stern face engaged until both he and I have departed the room, securing the door behind us.

I don't hear her leave the bathroom and with Nixx happily in his bed I have no early warning system as to her approach of me as I listen to my music. She gently claws at my scalp while she walks past me laying on the sofa as she makes her way into the kitchen. It's one of my favorite things that she does. I love that it was a natural development, she just so happened to like clawing at me and I enjoyed that she did it. It isn't something I ever would have requested of a person. I'm also pretty certain she felt rather embarrassed the first few times her so-called 'feline instincts' took over. Still, a welcome good morning gesture.

I lower the volume on my headphones, ensuring I'll be able to hear anything she might decide to utter while in her preparation of breakfast. To the outside observer it might seem odd, her just going to work preparing herself single serve portions of food while her boyfriend sits to the side. For me, breakfast is what I would consider as a sometimes meal. In fact there are really only two types of mornings that guarantee I will be preparing breakfast. Morning type one, my children are with us, then at the absolute least I'll be making food for them and will more likely than not eat a little something myself in the production of their meals. Morning type two is following a night of what I define as 'heavy drinking.' I say it that way because I assure you, what I consider heavy drinking is normally enough to cause blackouts for the average person. The second type of morning is a pretty rare occurrence outside of special occasions, but will almost certainly involve bacon in large quantities being produced.

I watch in silent observation as a family habit shows it's self in her morning routine. We have a relatively average sized table in a small 'dining room' space. Over the course of time we've all gravitated towards having our own spots. My boys sit on one side with my oldest directly to my right at the end of the table and my girl to my left. Her spot is by far, at least in my opinion, the most restrictive as the chair is right up against a wall. There was a time, when it was just the boys and myself, in which that place at the table was mine. Once we began eating our meals as a family of four I ended up at the end of the table, bridging the gap between her and my children. Even when it is just her and I at home there are times when she'll still sit in that chair against the wall. Not always, but sometimes. It doesn't mean anything to me, but it always just grabs my attention for a moment. This time she takes her more normal position when it is just the two of us, in the spot my older son considers to be his.

I turn off my music, placing my phone and headphones on the living room table as I walk up behind her. She is just sitting, sipping her tea, scrolling through her phone. I embrace her shoulders and kiss the back of her head before I make my way into the kitchen to toast a pop-tart.

I'm twelve years older than her. By all accounts this is the first time she has had a long term relationship, the first time she has lived with someone else, the first time she has been truly independent from her parents. These are all truths that are so often lost on me. I have never before lived so naturally with another person. I would like to contribute this to me growing as a person, but I know it isn't that; it's just her. I can't help but be made painfully aware of how incomplete my life was before she was a part of my family. I want to sound like a hopeless romantic and say that I believe this world was made just so we could be together, but I know better. At the bare minimum I think this world was made as I perceive it for my children to experience a life with me that is as perfect as I would ever need.

Tonight will be one of the few evenings that we spend apart. She will be spending the evening with her mother, which leaves an ambiguity to her sleeping arraignments. I on the other hand will be left to find my own way to spend the evening, more likely than not watching a movie which would normally drive my love out of the room. I'm not saying I watch films she finds a need to run away from due to content; she just isn't really a movie person, though she makes so many exceptions for me.

Her parents and I have an interesting dynamic. On the surface her mother seems far more approving of me and our relationship and I have no issue with that being what is believed even if it is quite clearly the furthest thing from the truth of the situation. Her mother has her personal agendas of which I want nothing to do with. Her father has a general "as long as you're happy" approach that I know comes off as too hands off and maybe even cold to her. I try to not make judgments as I hardly spend time with them and am quite alright with that. I will however take this chance to mention one of... no... the funniest interaction with a significant others parents I've ever had.

It was a few months into our involvement, to help give a timeline, about two months after our first kiss. For 'reasons' I was required to attend a family dinner to, for lack of a better description, present myself. For me this felt like an extremely odd request, but I took a moment and found it easy to see it from their point of view. For me, at this point in my life, dating a girl and never meeting her family seemed like an ideal dream (not that I hate my former in-laws... I don't... at least not my former mother-in-law.) For her though, she was nineteen and had never really seriously dated. I found her reaction to the event at the time surprising; she was worried as to what her father's reaction to me would be. I have to admit I liked that such a thing worried her. For me as I am, I could care less as to what a person's parents think of me, but I liked how in the context of this dinner I found myself concerned, if only a little, as to the impression I would leave.

It was a short meal as we made a fairly quick escape to go see a movie, a plan that was made by the girl who could live her whole life without movies existing and be happy. In between the end of the meal and our departure her father pulled me aside on the porch while I was waiting for her to complete post dinner makeup adjustments. He then proceeded to give me a quick "waiting till two people are ready" speech. I've never had a parent give me that kind of speech. There is a part of me that wonders if it was something he just always intended to do or if it was a spur of the moment thing. Either way it was equally the funniest and most awkward moment with someone's parents I've ever had.

I debated for about fifteen seconds if I was going to tell her, which I promptly did as soon as we reached the end of her parents block. I have no idea what movie we went to. I'm not even certain we even actually went to a movie. But that conversation is an unforgettable moment in my life story. Just proof of the oddity that is human memory. There are countless memorable moments in my life that I wish I could recall as clearly as that conversation but that are just lost to me. I don't know if there is some deeper meaning to just what things we are able to remember and what moments drift to the wayside, but any moment relating to her that I can hold onto I'll cherish.

We decide that we will go into town for lunch today. It has been a while since we both happened to have a free afternoon during the week. I decide I'll make a quick run to the supermarket as my children will be spending the upcoming weekend with us and therefore a large influx of food is required. As food shopping is something I alone seem to find pleasure in she is left with merely texting me anything out of the normal restocking items she may want.

As I make my way through the store I try and recall which one of my children got there way the most the last time I went shopping. Now yes, I could easily purchase all the snacks and preferred foods for both of them without causing too much harm to my bank account, but that's just never been how we've handled shopping. It has always been about give and take, teachable moments. This time though I do decide to "spoil" them, so I buy each of their favorite types of chips. The fact that to my children that is our definition of spoiling is something I'm proud of. There are times when of course they want things that they want which I just don't get them, but they never take it poorly... mostly out of concern for it impacting the next time they make a request, but that's as good a reason as any in my eyes.

About six aisles into shopping I receive the food request from my love, who I picture sitting cross legged on the couch playing Pokémon, and begin to decode it. I know I could easily ask for more detail on any item I can't immediately identify, but really where is the fun in that? As I make my way around, I notice that she didn't request a chocolate bar, she almost never outright asks for one, but she always wants there to be one. I don't always buy one, sometimes I don't think of it, or if I'm shopping with the boys I might outright avoid that aisle all together to avoid the inevitable queue of requests. I ensure I grab one, a reward of sorts. It isn't even something I'll probably mention. I'll get home, put away the groceries leave the bar in with the other snacks and if she happens to check she'll be happy and also afraid that she'll eat the whole thing in one sitting. It's just a weird little quirk that we have, something that happens without forethought or guidance.

Later at lunch she does her best to "be good," getting a seafood dish. When I met her she was hardcore trying to maintain a vegan lifestyle, something which I supported fully. Over time she began to be less restrictive with her menu. First it was a vegetarian diet with fish, although I never have understood how fish don't count as meat... I think that the fish would definitely vote themselves into the meat category if we asked. Anyway, she eventually ended up giving into her carnivore roots and would join me for a burger or steak from time to time. I don't feel bad that she went back to eating meat, but I do hope she knows I would have been more than happy to cook her types of "food" for life as long as ingesting it myself wasn't a requirement.

After lunch we stopped at the local coffee shop. It wasn't a place I ever really paid attention to until after our first breakup. She broke up with me after a year for reasons unknown to me but clearly important. Months would go by before I would see her again. It felt similar to when my ex-wife left, though not because I missed my ex. Rather it was weird not having my children around. I felt a similar although even stronger loss when she left. Unlike when my children are with their mother, they are always a phone call away. This was a period of time of not having any contact with a person I went over a year speaking with every day.

The first evening we spent together after the break up involved a post dinner coffee stop. It had been a while since the last time I had actually gone into the coffee shop. I was a little upset to see that the row of tables that were once against the front window pane had been replaced by a counter-top. Functionally it actually did seem like a good idea to make the change that they have made. For me though it was a solemn moment. It meant we could never sit in the same place we did that night. I would never again be able to recapture the excitement I got when I looked into her eyes as she began to caress my leg under the table.

While sitting at a different and clearly inferior table to the one of the night of our re-coupling my phone began to ring as my children were calling from their iPad. It was a short conversation as the primary purpose of it was to make food shopping requests for which I had to inform them they were too late. Even if it was just a short high and bye, it was nice not just to talk to them but to know they were busy planning out in their own minds just what their weekend at my home would be for them. I have the fortunate job of getting to be the fun parent. I don't spend that much time with my children, so as long as they don't want to do something absurd, which never comes up, we pretty much do whatever they want. It is a weird way how it worked out as between me and their mother I am much sterner with a "no means no" approach, but it's just how it is.

As I drink my latte and look across the table and I am reminded how lucky I am that the four of us get to share in family moments. It was an adjustment period, I was dating someone who made it perfectly clear she didn't want any children of her own and here she inherited two part time offspring. I remember the first summer that we spent together. I had my kids for two one week periods. The first one was just the three of us as my girl found other ways to spend her time with her friends and family. I missed her but I understood completely. Then the second week came around and she asked if it would be alright if she stayed. I would never tell her but I almost cried.

We drove home after coffee, it took about six minutes during which time she exercised her radio dominance. An uncommon occurrence and one would think a move which would be better executed on a slightly more extended drive, but a move that I accepted with almost no negative sounding sound effects and only mild twitching. As I pulled into the driveway I looked at her, dead in the eyes, she was lip-syncing the current song which had at least two minutes left. Without showing any emotion and without averting my eyes I turned off the car and the song stopped. We stared at one another for a moment longer before chuckling and heading towards the door listening to the sound of a small overly excited animal making circles on the other side.

Day ends, night falls. Nixx and I go for our last walk of the day. The sky seems sad to me. The moon is absent and there is just a pale black sky but for one or two lone star's trying so hard to light up the universe above on their own. There is a fog across the horizon and a dampness on the grass, so Nixx and I share a telepathic moment agreeing to an unspoken pact that this would be a strictly business trip. After a minimal selection process he picks his spot and promptly turns back home. I wouldn't have minded walking more but clearly neither of us saw the need to draw this out any longer than was necessary.

Once inside I play a movie and sit on the couch. Nixx waits a few minutes for me to stretch my legs out on the table and once he is reasonably certain I won't be moving again for sometime he jumps up and rests his head on my lap. I watch a movie I've seen many times. I could have watched something unknown to me; but I don't.

I start to feel a chill spread over me. I could reach for a blanket, but I would disturb Nixx so I just deal with it. A short while later I hear my phone buzz on the empty seat to my right, I know what it says, but I open the message anyway; my girl is still out with her mother and isn't going to be coming home tonight. I send her a picture of Nixx sleeping on my lap and tell her to enjoy the rest of the night. I don't tell her that I'll talk to her tomorrow, I suppose in part because in the context of the day it would just be implied. We each say goodnight and I put my phone back down. I don't really talk to anyone but her so I know I won't need it again.

The movie ends. I give my leg a little shake giving the little guy a heads up to adjust himself which he does. I don't really have a nighttime ritual. I should have one, but in all honesty it's a fifty-fifty if I even brush my teeth if she isn't home. I head into the bedroom; Nixx now knows that it's just the two of us when I leave the door open. It's interesting because she'll have no problem dragging the dog into bed for an afternoon nap if she wants to snuggle and I'm at work or otherwise not home, yet at night no dog. I don't mind either way so long as he doesn't invite himself into the bed, but at this point he pretty much knows the bedroom threshold is off limits at night so he just goes off and does his dog things.

I lay down in our bed, in our room, in our home. It was once just my bed, my room... but never again could I be here and not see all of this as ours. I regret never saying that to her. I feel my body start to fall asleep. For a moment I try to remember how many times I've seen this day before, but I stop myself, I know no good will come from knowing. I ask myself, as I always do at this point, is this a place I want to find my way back to?

I know this day never existed in my lifetime. I know even if I could remember every moment that existed before this one I can never make this real; I've tried so many times I've lost count. But this is a memory I want to hold onto; this is the respite I fight so hard to find over and over. A lifetime when I didn't lose the love of my life to my poor choices. When my children got to dream of what we would do together when we next saw each other. When I got to walk the dog I wish we could have kept. I know I won't remember what happens next until it's too late to stop it. I know I could try to find a moment of my actual life and I'd probably get to spend more time there, or at least not pay as high a price for just a day. But I want this, at least for this moment, a day I wish I could have known in my lifetime.

As I start to sleep I remember why I fear this part, why I never let this be in my life. The phone will ring soon in the living room. I won't answer it because I won't hear it, but I'll dream it, I'll feel it. I feel my heart pound in my chest as I remember what comes next. I feel so cold. I don't understand why at first, I know why, I always know why, but I can't hold onto the understanding. I don't want to remember, I fight it, so hard. I know I can't change it, but I try. I'm feeling her, my love... she's cold; bleeding out from a car accident. I feel her body growing colder as if it were my own. She's scared, she doesn't understand just how much blood she has already lost to feel so cold. She's calling me. I want to get out of bed, I want to tell her I love her, try and let her know how much she means to me... but I didn't hear the phone ring that night, so I can't get up now.

Still, like an echo within my mind I hear her getting my voicemail. I can literally hear my heart screaming, trying to be heard by her. "Love... there was an accident... I'm not really sure what happened. Love, are you there? I'm going to go... I'll talk to you later." Her last words I never got to hear in her lifetime. I've tried so many times to keep the timeline going beyond that moment for us, but I can't, not in any way we can accept to leave it place. You know how much it destroys me in the timelines when I die, even if I manage to revive, it is into a life without you... and I know you can hear my heart screaming out for you every moment without you. But I can't let go... I know it hurts you too so much until life resets. I also know they must all hate us so much by now for forcing the reset over and over again. But if it means holding you again, if it means seeing my boys again... I can't let go, I refuse to trust what might come next because I know I'm not ready to be done with the life I knew, with the life we shared.

I know the memory of that first reset is about to fade. Soon enough I'll be home alone, having been apart from you for over a year; apart from my children for just as long, my hand and my leg broken. I don't know if I'll ever be able to find a path in the lifetime I live now that brings us back together. I don't think I even deserve it there, but I won't settle for anything less. I know at some point you'll see this moment in your own time. I'm never going to stop, it's who I am. If you want to stop me please do. I know how much I suffer at times with this, I don't even remember how many times I've died anymore and I don't want to ever hurt you, not again. But if you can hold on and if you want this, please, believe in me. Believe that I don't need anything in my life other than the knowledge that you and my children are safe and free to live your lives as you choose. Know that I will ravage the whole of time and space until I can get what I need. Because never once has loving you been anything less than a need. I couldn't have known until it was too late, but the heart that beats in my chest is yours and I will never stop pushing forward, because I will always need you; always.
Depression

From the depths within, sadness lingers

Worse than it is to know this

The feeling of sorrow freely flowing within my veins

Making heavier the heart with each beat

I have began to lose belief in another way

The hope I once had has started to slip

And in this moment, as I spiral downward

I reach out my hand, trying to save what is left of me

I always thought I could bear everything on my own

I would find an escape from the life I knew

There is still an echo you left though

That is what I reach for as I fall

I would dream of a time with you

When you would wash away the pain

My heart beating in time with yours

This was my dream

I can still feel the path of a single tear

Burnt into my skin on that day

The scar of a vanishing memory

A remnant of a hope I thought I might know
Rose

I bought a rose

To give to you

A sign of love

But promises were made

I could not break

So I sit

Watching this rose

Slowly wither and die
Forever; under the sky of blue

As I walk away

Under the sky of blue,

I look back

Back to you

There you stand,

Just as you stood before

Smiling and laughing

Innocent and carefree

Gazing into your eyes

The distance doesn't seem so far

I watch the clouds above you

As they slowly ride the wind from me

Looking to you

Feeling as you

Invoking what is yours within me

Thus spawning creation

A smile, from the purity

A tear from the reality

I turn, I walk away

Ahead, it's you

Lived, changed

Smiling, laughing

Absolution granted by time

It knows no bounds

So I shall continue

Until eternity expires

Somewhere,

Beyond the endlessly blue sky
Key of the Twilight

The brilliance of your light has faded

Tarnished by the passage of time

A day which was eternal in nature

Finds its radiance extinguished

Now forever night

An eternity of life blinked away

In a moment

A moment that has lasted an eternity itself

Created from sorrow

Forged in passions flame

The fire burns

Welding to no one

Twilight descends upon the world

My life reduced to a mere collection of silhouettes

Slowly fading into the blanket of night

Moments and memories flow into one another

Becoming a single shadow

Now is forever

There is no time, no here nor there.

All is one, dark

Nothing seems real

My soul, my will, my mind

If there is no horizon then I shall create it

The twilight will pass

Dawn shall break the desolation

There is a light existing within me

Creation is my fate

Destiny shall be bent to my will

The raven veil shall be lifted
Addiction

I strike a match

Knowing each time I lose a little

Another moment, a piece of life

Slowly breaking away, falling from sight

I strike a match

And I stare at the newly born flame

Quivering in the harshness of this world

Fighting for a life no more than moments old

I strike a match

In the still, dark night

Its fate planned

Its life can only be so long

Yet in the darkness

I can't see its end

Merely feel its heat growing warmer

As it grows nearer

I strike a match

Believing each time I lose a little

Sometimes though, I question

If you can ever lose something

That you've never really had

Radiance

I look out across the world

Staring deep into the horizon

Watching the radiance of the sun

And for a moment, there is nothing else

I wish at times I could stay like that

Just eternally watching that brilliant star

I become so drawn in as I am bathed in warmth

I would give anything, to remain like that, at peace

Still, without fail I must turn away

One can only gaze into such light for so long

Each time I wait, one second more

One more second closer to being blinded

Still, each time I look away

And for an instant, the entire world is bright

Growing dimmer with each passing moment

A world I can't bear to watch

I think sometimes it might be best

To not look away

Letting myself be blinded

Having that glorious image burned into my mind

Knowing full well I can't

For as much as I love that brilliance

I too love the difference each day brings

That is not something I can give up

Today I will watch with wonder

Until I cannot look a moment more

As I do each day

Until the light of mine is extinguished
Path

I did not know of love until it was lost to me

I did not know of happiness until it was replaced by sadness

I did not know of togetherness until you were gone

It was only after all this that I learned of despair

It was only after all this that I learned of regret

...

It was only after all this that I found hope
Colors

There are times I sit alone with a sorrow washing over me

I so often have thought it was because I would never see you again

Now I believe it's because I fear never knowing love again as I came to know it

I need a reminder that it isn't just a feeling I have

That love isn't a simple emotion

Love is the picture my soul paints as it remembers our moments

I know I may never see this picture in the same way again

But all the colors you shared with me will always remain
A Dream of Tomorrow

No matter how far the distance grows

Between my dream

And the life I live

I will grab hold of that withering spark

The final remnant of who I was

And cling to it tightly, as I bury it within

I will take myself into tomorrow

I will release my grasp on the sentiments of childhood

I will become stronger now

Even if I must give up who I was

I will journey towards my dream

A paradise, unknown and beyond reach

I will journey towards my dream

Of a joy, free of conflict

I will journey towards tomorrow

I will become stronger

I will know my dream
Eternity's Edge

I stand now on the edge of eternity, not dead, but not living. I find myself existing, not in anyway that I have known before; it is nothing that I find familiar, and yet I feel comforted. As if this is how it was always supposed to be. That now I have been given the chance to finally be myself.
The Eternal Song, Carried On Rainbow Wings

"When you look at me child what do you see?"

I start to open my eyes. I do it to quickly at first as the amount of light I received overwhelmed me. I quickly close my eyes tight until I feel I am ready to right my previous mistake. I try again, taking my time, controlling as best I can the flow of the world around me being taken in by my sight. I realized as my surroundings were coming into focus that I didn't really know where I was. Then it hit me that I didn't really know who I was.

I could tell I was atop a hill of green grass. There were some colorful looking flowers on a distant hillside. A mixture of yellow, purple and red. I looked down and I could see the outline of a tree's shadow I was standing in. I began to turn to my right to see the tree with my own eyes when I heard the voice again.

"I'm over here child."

I couldn't really tell what direction the sound of the voice was coming from. I know how I would normally tell, but it didn't actually sound like the voice was coming from anywhere, it just kind of was there. From what was said I was able to assume that I was turning in the wrong direction, thus the need to correct myself. I turned to my left, much more quickly than I had been moving up until now. That's when I first saw the source of this voice.

"What do you see? What am I to you?"

I adjusted my perspective so that we were eye to eye and I answered. "You're a dragon."

Its face came closer to mine as it looked me over. For a second I thought it was blinking rapidly but then I noticed that there were many membranes over its eyes that it was opening. Every time a new layer over its eye opened the tint of the eye would change ever so slightly. The eyes had a distinct glow to them. It was as if they were being illuminated from within the creature. It was shifting from an initial red hue. I just stood there, not sure what I was supposed to do, if anything.

The dragon stopped cycling its eyes for a moment and without verbalizing spoke again. "What color are my eyes to you now?"

At first I thought that was a weird question to ask. Though I guess it makes sense. The dragon understood that its eyes changed color but didn't exactly have a mirror to check. It did leave me curious though as to what the purpose of the color change was. If it couldn't tell the difference, then what was the biological purpose. Seemed like an odd cosmetic trait. I saw the dragon's nostril flare up a little, so I figured I was taking far too long to answer this easy question. I put aside my wandering thoughts for the moment and just answered, "Yellowish, I guess."

The creature looked up to the sky, it was a very light blue. No, that's not right. I say that because daytime skies are always a hue of blue. It was white with a faint trace of blue. The dragon circled around in place, surveying the landscape I imagine. I couldn't help but wonder how this place looked to a dragon. Did it see the colors as I did? Could it see beyond the faded horizon? Before I could wonder too much his eyes were back upon me.

"Do you care what color my eyes are?"

I was now really starting to gain a curiosity as to why the creature was asking me what it was. The dragon stood at least twice my height and looked to be about twelve feet in length at least, nose to tail. There were scales all over its body, but they didn't seem as if they would be hard as steel. For one reason or another that was just an expectation that I guess I had. The scales weren't really a single color. Rather they reflected hints of red and green as the light hit them in different ways. I think the most surprising characteristic to me were the wings. The edges of the wings seemed to be the same as the scales, but the inside was almost like a translucent sheet, shimmering like it had a rainbow living within it.

Once again, I lost myself in my thoughts and I have not answered the question before me. "I don't mind what color your eyes are; does it matter to you? If you want a particular color just let me know and I'll tell you when you're there."

The dragon stood on its hind legs and stretch its whole body as high into the sky as it could without leave the ground and made, for the first time, a very audible noise. I'm not sure how I would describe it. A part of me wants to say either growl or howl, but that is only because of the way it made my heart noticeably skip a beat. If I had to give it a word, I guess it was more of a cry. Not a cry of sorrow. Not a cry of pain. Just an animal, crying out to the world.

After it was done it laid down on its chest, bring its neck and head to rest on the ground in front of me. It felt a little weird to now be looking down at this creature that just a moment earlier was towering over me. I decided to sit down. I could tell that I startled the dragon with my motion at first, but it seemed to quickly figure out what I was doing.

"So, child, what makes me a dragon in your eyes?"

I was beginning to get annoyed by constantly being referred to as child. I took a moment to try and remember how old I was, but I couldn't. I tried to remember my name, so I could at least be addressed properly, but I couldn't think of it. I was pretty sure I had a name but I couldn't think of it. I found this troubling. I remembered the thoughts I had when I first began to open my eyes, I didn't know where I was, I still didn't.

"Are you that troubled by not knowing your name?"

I stopped my meandering thoughts and quickly focused on this newest question. Can this dragon read my mind I wondered?

"It isn't quite what you would think of as 'mind reading', but I know your thoughts and wonderings."

At first I wanted to ask it to stop. Then I realized there wasn't really a need to 'ask', thinking it would be enough. It didn't feel right, having my thoughts exposed like that. But why not. I mean, I didn't really care what this dragon knew about me or didn't. It wasn't like I had a secret I needed to keep to myself. There really is no such thing. There are all different kinds of reasons why people like to keep secrets, but I've never known anything that truly needed to be my thought alone.

"There." The dragon lifted his head off the ground to get our eyes back on equal level. "You see me as a dragon... what do you see yourself as?"

I decided to answer quicker now, since I felt a desire to try and have my voice beat my mind, giving myself the satisfaction of feeling like I at least answered the question myself. "I'm a human."

The dragon did a little more of the eye shifting from before as he replied. "Would it make sense to you if I said to my kind we call you a dragon?"

I couldn't help but smirk a little at that thought. "Well we look very different, so I guess that's a little surprising. But I guess it could make sense. We give everything a name so we all know what we are talking about, it doesn't matter what we name it as long as we all know what we mean. So, if you want to call a human a dragon I guess it doesn't make a difference, though it could make our conversation more confusing."

"Tell me when my eyes are green to you if you could." The dragon lifts his neck up, moving it side to side a little, stretching it would be my assumption. "You miss understand me. We don't call humans dragons. We call you Dragon."

Honestly, that made no sense to me. It did though leave me with a question that I figured I would ask. "What is it that you call your kind then?"

The beast stood up, and I followed. I was still tracking his eyes, they were now an amazing violet color.

"You prefer that color?"

I know I didn't think that... but I did think amazing and I do think out of all the shades that I've seen this was my favorite. So, I guess that was an accurate statement.

"I'll leave them here for now. I know it doesn't make sense to you now. If I gave you time you would figure it out on your own, you have proven this to us many times over. The time draws near for you to leave this place." The dragon quickly flew up into the white sky and didn't stop until it was completely gone from my sight.

I kept my eyes to the sky. It just didn't feel like we were done quite yet. The last thing that I wanted was to be scared by an unexpected dragon swooping down out of the sky. After a minute or so I could see a faint shadow looping in a circle above me. I figured the dragon just needed to move its wings a little. Kind of like how a fish needs to swim. Just then I saw the shadow coming back down. Just as quickly as it had left it was back... mostly.

The dragon was now only about three feet in total length. It landed right beside me and laid down, jerking its head around. I knew what it meant, so I sat back down. The dragon let out its audible cry, it was much smaller of a sound than before yet it still made my heart skip a beat. It was a short outburst. Then it laid its head on my lap and I instinctively began to stroke its head and neck.

"It has taken us a long time to reconcile the misunderstandings of how you see things compared to us. I want to say we are trying to make things better, but most of us aren't. It doesn't matter to you though, because that's who you are."

I look down at the small creature. It looks so familiar to me. It felt so much younger than it was just a few minutes ago, "So are you going to tell me what you call yourselves? Or maybe just what you call yourself?"

"When you need to know those answers you will know those answers, that's who you are. I will say this, most of us may not be actively trying to help you make things better, but there isn't a single one of us who will ever deny your cry to us."

I start to feel tired, so I lay back on the ground. I know that I'm lying on grass, but it doesn't really feel like grass. It has an almost warm texture. As I lay down I can see the tree from before, it's a beautiful sakura tree. I know that I've always wanted to personally see one in bloom. I do find it odd that there aren't petals on the ground or in the air. Though now that I think of it there really isn't any breeze to speak of. I can feel the small dragon adjust its self, resting its head against the center of my chest.

"Home." I say aloud.

"Why did you say 'home'?"

"Because that's how you described the sound of my heart."

The dragon nestled my chest as gently as it could. "I didn't direct any words towards you though, why do you think that?"

I look down my body at the dragon, it's eyes are off to the side as it has the left side of its head on me. I lay my hand on her neck, gently caressing her. "I didn't think. I just knew that's what you felt."

I laid my head back, closed my eyes and took a deep breath... there was no air to breathe. I opened my eyes... there was nothing to see. All there was in this perpetual darkness was the sound of a beating heart getting closer and closer. The only thought that was in mind in that final moment there was a sadly familiar one, "What went wrong that the symphony is now but a single song."

WHERE I DECIDE
One Day

I don't remember the world slipping away from me

Yet all I see is white

I don't remember losing myself

But I am no more

I don't remember the first words you spoke

Just that they drew me to you

I don't know what you saw in me

I just hope to one day see it for myself
Breaking the Cycle

The endless cycle I find myself in is tormenting.

My mind, body and soul are at the furthest edge of tolerance.

So I ask of you, from the depths of all that I am;

Can this cycle be broken to our benefit?

I will put this as simply as I can.

"I need you."

Forget about context.

Forget about subtext.

Forget about tone and inflection.

Everything I have ever written,

Everything I still have to write,

Is to express those three words.

I have said those words once before, a long time ago.

I said them without knowing what it meant to need another soul.

It was a time I thought I was too weak on my own.

When I sought the strength to push further then I believed I could reach.

I say them now once again.

This time not as a cry for help.

Now it has become my call to arms.

These three words sustain me.

I say this now so that you can be ready for what is to come.

I am at the furthest edge of tolerance and I will not turn away.

Never again will I turn away.
A Calling

I look around at my reality

And become confused

It all seems so far

From the shape of my dreams

I've gone so far

Everything in the distance is dark

No longer can I return

To the places I once knew so well

I don't want to lose this lucid feeling

I hear an echo in my mind telling me to run

I hear a calling from within my heart

Screaming out, "You are not alone"

I can't turn back now

Struggling to move forward

Believing if something happens

You'll come to me

This dream of the world

It holds me up

Reality sweeping by

Becoming the dream

I have known solitude

Now, all I know

You have taught me

I will never be alone again

If you close your eyes

Can you feel it?

This bond between us

That I will always be here?

Awake, in reality

All I can do now

Is believe

In the truth of my heart
Faith

I lay awake, in the still, dark night, my eyes left wide, trying to draw in even the slight sliver of light. I can not find rest, my peace escapes me. I try to find a dream I once knew. Lately it seems I can no longer dream in the way I once did. I know that things are different now, I have you with me. So why then do I not sleep? Why then am I fearful of the night? I feel you beside me, around me, within me. As much as I am comforted, I am uncertain. Uncertain of what I will do when I lose you to my ways once again. So I lay awake, not wanting to wake up alone again.
From before the dawn

A wind that blows over the frostbit earth

Carries a bitter reminder

A breeze so cold it burns the skin

Sparking those memories

A time and place long since gone

Hollow echoes of a former self

An instant of realism

In this often-time surreal world

The mind manipulating those simple things

Inklings of doubt, of fear

Distorted — Overwhelming

A question of self confidence and strength

Defeat before the fight

A calling for solitude

An unanswerable summons

An unreasonable request

A difficult solution

A final choice
Gate

So many times in my past

Did I find myself walking

Down an empty street

In the still of the night

It was just me and my thoughts

Alone with the world

Nothing in the way of distraction

Yet still, clarity remained distant

I would question my place

If I had been justified in my choices

I treasured those times

When loneliness was luxury

In those times

Even the cold night

Carried with it in the wind

A sense of warmth and welcome

That feeling has faded

As that which once was

Is now all that is

An eternal darkness

I had believed it was you

You were my salvation

The key to the new dawn

To the bright days I had dreamed

Perhaps you were, a key

An instrument to a goal

The end is known, reached

It only needs to be realized again

My faith steadied hand

Seeking to guide

As wide-eyed I see this world

All that could be

To seek truth of its meaning
I Remember Your Name But I Won't Use It

I see you but I conceal it.

In just a glace I have judged you.

I stay where I am, near you, yet in my own way distancing myself.

I have no true desire to know you, but that doesn't dissuade me.

It isn't a game to me, although there are those who would dispute that.

I feel your glace upon me, so I turn, scanning the crowd, ignoring the brief meeting of our eyes.

I follow the flow of motion behind me, sensing your movement.

You're beside me now.

There is a part of me that wants to acknowledge you for the effort you invested.

I don't.

I still have no desire to know you; I simply want you to want to desire my attention.

Is it fair? No. But what is?

You introduce yourself.

I smile. I reciprocate. I give you just enough attention as I feel I need to.

You get annoyed, but try to hide it as boredom; it doesn't work.

You slip behind me to find another, to try and draw out my envy.

You still don't understand I already have all I want.

I see he is growing more and more enamored with you.

I see you are growing more and more frustrated with him.

I turn away because I decide I want a little more.

I soak in my surroundings as I await my inevitable reward.

You are once again beside me.

I acknowledge you, a smile and a nod.

I can see a moment of confused excitement in your eyes.

I turn my eyes back to the stage as we stand in this crowd.

If I knew why this worked, if I knew why I was this way, would I still do it?

I feel from you a growing unease.

The result of your attempt at forced jealousy.

A person who, in many ways is like you, unable to tell they aren't truly desired.

Unlike you though, they find anger in the unresponsive ways rather than excitement.

Me being me, I shift myself between you and them.

You don't understand why I moved for your benefit.

You don't understand why you're comforted by having me behind you when all you want is to see me.

You forget I'm even there slowly as the night lingers on.

You don't know that now, in everything I see before my eyes, I now also see you.

It isn't what I sought, but it's where I am, and it's fine.
Note

Not often... Yet often enough

I'll sit and wonder who you will be

When the day comes and I see you again

How will you see the world

How will you see your place in it

Will I recognize you when the day comes

I find myself at times afraid of that moment

It can be hard to realize the truth

But sometimes I realize...

Often... Yet not often enough

I avoid seeing my own reflection

Even while everything in this life still looks the same

I never seem to recognize myself anymore

Remnant

It is an interesting thing, to be human

We often don't believe in something till we hold it

And then we don't value it until it is taken

There is something in reflection

An instant when we judge the worth of what was lost

When we come to realize that we cherished it

That it was a mistake to just let it go
Fear

I held it once in my hands

Held it clenched against my chest

So that I could feel its radiance

Be consumed by the warmth

My mind and body were young

Had been forever sheltered

My skin was fair, soft

In time I felt it burning

As a fire within my hands it was so bright

I moved it away from myself

Viewed it from a distance

In my absence

I watched it dim

Flicker towards extinction

I felt my heart grow cold

Yearning for the devoted flame

Which for so long I knew

I reached for it

My hands now calloused

As I drew it to myself, the flame sparked

Burning me each time it got near

Shorting its own life with each flare

Day fell into night

Days into weeks

Weeks into years

Now I stand, still with but one need

To hold it within my hands

Once again to have that fire burning for me

To feel it resonate within me

Reviving those parts of myself

Lost to the perpetual cold

My hands ache

Ravaged from the blaze

Still I will reach out

Striving to regain what I have lost

Until my hands turn to ash

And my final breath freezes in the bitter air
Stars

I had never known a love like ours

It wasn't said enough

I would wake with the sun

Watch you, so peaceful and unaware

Silent, wanting nothing

You had your dreams

And everything you needed to reach them

The winds of fate can be cruel

To carry you so far away

I look into the night's sky

Through my sight I let my soul call out to the stars

Willing my hope to become their light

It takes courage to pursue your dreams

I had forgotten mine long ago

Now, my only dream is to always remember our time together
Forever~Goodbye

So many times you asked me why

Questioned my cause and desires

The answer was always simply

"Because I love you"

When I find myself in pain

Confused and worn-out by this life

I always returned to you

Resting my tearful face on you

In our shared moments

When your warmth healed me

My heart was reshaped

Then there were those times the distance was too great

Unable to find a way to you

Trapped in a place that couldn't begin to understand us

Those are moments when I seek out your reflection

Searching for your influences buried in this world

So that our hearts can beat in harmony once again

Striving to say goodbye to my solitude

Heading endlessly towards a tomorrow

We will create together; even though we are apart
The Girl & The Sun [Far Side of Infinity Edit]

I look up into the sky as I make my way toward the water.

I see the sun, tucked half behind the clouds.

Upon a nearby tree a bird sits, looking out towards the water.

Indifferent to both my presence, as well as that of the children playing below its branch.

I return my gaze to the ground before me as I take a small miss-step on a root.

I approach a playground; there are three children, two boys and a girl.

A man watches them, while by the water there is a middle-aged woman holding an infant.

I follow along the path, toward a bend around the water's edge.

The boys are running around the playground, taking turns in who is chasing whom.

I can hear more people in the distance, though the trees obstruct my view.

I pass the little girl; she is no more than six years of age by my guess.

My passing draws her attention away from the swan in the water.

She looks towards me, at me, following with her eyes as I walk by.

I smile at her and her at me in return.

One boy falls and shouts aloud, her attention again shifts.

I continue to walk by, towards the bend.

As I reach the bend of the path around the water, I see two people in the distance.

A boy and a girl, neither older than seventeen.

I walk a few more steps then sit at a bench alongside the water.

I look across the water's surface, shimmering with the light of the sun.

I sit there without time.

Be it an hour or a minute, all feels equal in their passing here.

My attention is broken by the teenage girl; she had left her friend at the tree.

She walked passed me, further around the bend.

I could still see the boy.

He sat as I, timelessly.

I looked back across the water and saw the sun sinking into the horizon.

I look over again towards the tree and the boy was already gone.

Collecting myself and my thoughts, I stand.

Heading back the way I came.

Ahead of me I see the children leaving.

The two boys kicking rocks as they lead the way for the man and young girl.

I pass by the middle-aged woman, still standing at the water's edge.

As I pass she turns, the child seems asleep, swaddled in a powder blue blanket.

She begins to walk towards the others, following behind me.

I pause for a moment and she passes.

As she walks by I look back as the darkness of night chases off the last of the day's light.

I step off the path back to where I came from.

I walk toward the water and once there I stand and watch sun disappear past the horizon.

With the hour clearly so late I find it is taking far longer than I expect for the light to fade.

I close my eyes, take a deep breath of the crisp evening air and hold it.

I exhale slowly as I open my eyes once more.

I find myself standing, looking out at an illuminated sky.

The light of day reaching everywhere while a flock of birds soar overhead.

I turn to head back towards the path.

Standing a few feet behind me is a young woman, about my age I would presume.

She smiles and asks how long I've been here for.

'Since sunset.' I replied.

She smiles, turns toward the bend around the water and walks away.

I continue to watch her until the trees block her from my sight.

I feel a gentle wind wash over me from behind, chilled by its journey across the water.

I turn, to look back over the water.

The darkness has once again descended.

Just a sliver of light remained in view on the horizon's edge.

I walk back to the path, carefully watching my step in the low evening light.

I stand at the path.

To my right, the way back where I came from.

To my left, the way the young, smiling woman went.

Without much thought, I start down the path.

I walk to the bend; to where the tree line blocks out all that has come before.

I have never walked beyond this point I think to myself.

I start to walk forward.

After a short distance I see the teenage boy from earlier sitting under a tree.

He is sitting with his back against the trunk, twirling a feather in his hand, looking out at the water.

As I reach his tree I stop and ask him,

'What is further down the path?'

He looks at me; he seems confused, as if wondering why I needed to ask.

He tells me the hillside is just past the trees.

I thank him and press on.

Not long thereafter the path ends.

A wall of trees in front of me, the water to my left and a grassy hill to my right.

I ascend the hillside.

It isn't a steep climb, but the crest seems so far off in the distance.

As I begin to finally approach the top I can see a halo of light in front of me.

At the summit I pause and bath in the warm light of the sun for a moment.

I look down the slope in front of me and see the young woman lying down.

I walk to where she is, just lying, watching the sun.

She turns her head when I am beside her and smiles.

I sit down beside her and watch the sun with her.

After a few minutes of silence, I turn to her and ask,

'Beautiful sunrise isn't it?'

She looks towards me, smiling once again.

"It isn't sunrise." She says as she turns back towards the sun.

I sit confused for a moment, and then I ask her why she didn't think it was a sunrise.

Without turning she replied, "It would have to set first to rise."

I told her that I had just walked up the hill in darkness.

She defiantly answered back, "I haven't seen any darkness."

I told her that suns set, that they have to.

"Why must they set?" she asked.

I thought as how to answer.

Should I be scientific and explain rotation and revolution; no, something simple.

I answer with, 'So that night can fall.'

Once again a smile sweeps across her face.

"There aren't any nights, just days."

I decide to play along for a moment, so I ask her why there are no nights.

"I like the day."

Not sure how to respond to that I decide to just lay back.

Hours seem to pass, yet the sun remains, unmoved in the sky.

I close my eyes for a moment, clear my thoughts.

I open them, the sky is dark and she is gone.

Strange, I didn't think I had fallen asleep.

I stand up and turn around, walking back to the hill top.

As I start back down the other side of the hill I stop when I hear her, "Where are you going?"

I turn back and see her at the top of the hill, with the sun behind her in the sky.

'I'm going back.' I call out to her.

She motions for me to come back up to her, so I do.

"But why would you go back? You will just end up here again."

She takes me by the hand and walks me back to where we were lying before.

She sits down, giving my arm a little tug, signaling that I should sit as well.

As I sit, I ask her, 'Why do you think I'm going to end up back here again?'

I sit down beside her, my hand still in hers.

She tilts her head, gently resting it on my shoulder.

"We always end up back here."

I turn to look at her, having the visibly unwelcome side effect of making her lift her head.

'You mean back here on this hill?'

Her hand releases mine as she places her hands on my cheeks.

She looks into my eyes while being completely silent.

I felt like a part of me wants to say something, but I can't think of anything.

Thankfully it isn't too long before she breaks the silence.

"Think about our names."

A weird question I think to myself.

I open my mouth to answer, but I fail to find the words.

I feel my eyes wanting to look around, as if it will help me think.

Her eyes are locked onto mine, almost as if holding them in place.

I try to move my head, but her gentle hands hold me steady.

I have no answer.

I didn't expect to have her name in my mind, but not even my own?

I was starting to feel concerned when my attention is drawn to her eyes.

She is crying.

She doesn't move an inch, while tear after tear begin to stream down her face.

I go to wipe the tears from her face.

I slowly swept my right thumb across the trail of her tears while cradling her face with my hand.

It is then that she closed her eyes and I felt the full weight of her head fall into my palm.

I'm not sure if her body went limp or if I pulled her in, but I guide her head to my chest.

After she rested against me for a fair while, she pulls back a little and looks at me in the eyes again.

"How long is forever?" she asks.

I look at her, I know she is looking for a genuine answer, but I don't have one to offer.

She places her hands on my chest, one over my heart and one in the center.

While looking down at her hands she asks, "How long is an eternity?"

I place two fingers under her chin, lifting her eyes to mine.

'Those are concepts, they don't have real answers.'

She stands up and turns from me.

I thought about standing too, but I don't.

After a minute she turns back to me and reaches out her hand.

I take her hand and she pulls me up.

Once I am standing she presses her body against me.

"Close your eyes, please."

I do.

I can feel her warmth at every point our bodies touch.

I feel her heart pound against my chest.

I feel her breath roll across the skin of my neck.

It didn't take long before I was breathing in time with her.

My heart matching hers, beat for beat.

Then I feel her tear soaked lips press against my own.

I was surprised, I almost open my eyes, but somehow I don't.

She holds the kiss for just a single beat of our hearts, but it feels so much longer.

With my eyes still closed she speaks, "That is how long an eternity lasts for."

I open my eyes and look down at her.

She has no smile but she doesn't look sad either.

Taking my hand in hers she starts to walk with me back to the top of the hill.

We walk side by side until we reach the summit.

She stops and squeezes my hand as tightly as she can.

Without a real reason, I squeeze her hand back.

"Could you let go if you needed to?"

I felt like we were back to the silly questions of earlier.

'I'm sure I could...' I debate proving my point, but decide not to, '...I just don't want to.'

I watch as another tear begins to well up in her eye.

She lets go of my hand.

"You need to go back now."

Confused I look at her.

Not all that long ago I was doing just that.

'Didn't you say something about me just ending up back here anyway?'

She steps back from me, back towards the sunlight hillside.

"You're not supposed to be here now; not in this way."

She finishes her sentence, turns, and walks away.

Her body jumps as I grab her hand.

She turns back to me with such a look of uncertainty in her eyes.

I tighten my grip on her hand.

'I was wrong. I don't think I can let go. Come with me.'

She pulls herself back, testing my grip.

She feels that I wouldn't let go;

But also that I wouldn't hold on if she pulled away.

"This isn't how you want your story to be."

I pull her closer to me again.

With some hesitation she steps towards me as her fingers interlock with my own.

She is beside me, hand in hand, looking down the dark side of the hill.

I turn to her, 'So what now?'

She smirks and shakes her head, "I have no idea. This isn't how this ever goes."

'Good.' I reply.

"Why, 'good'? We might not ever end up back here again?"

I start walking us down the hill.

'That doesn't really matter much to me as long as you don't let go.'

She stops walking. I turn and see a trace fear in her eyes.

"But what if we get lost?"

I laugh, 'We can't get lost; we aren't going anywhere.'

I try to keep walking, but she is frozen in place.

"But... what if I get separated from you?"

I give her arm a little tug and she starts walking with me again.

'If that happens then I'll find you. Before you ask, I don't know how; but I promise I will.'

Quickly she darts in front of me and uses the palm of her free hand to stop me.

As I look at her I no longer see fear with her.

"You promise that you'll find me. You really mean promise?"

I place my arm around her and pull her against me once more, 'Promise.'

She smiles.

"Someone who doesn't know how long forever is shouldn't make promises."

She turns and starts us walking again.

'So how long is forever?' I ask.

She glances back quickly, "I thought that I knew the answer; but clearly you were wrong."

WHERE THINGS CHANGE
A Finite Infinity

I found myself alone, so I pick up your book to read.

Often I just jump to my favorite parts; the ones you make for me.

Not this time though. I know those parts too well.

I read a story I know I won't remember too clearly.

It feels so fresh, so new. I miss when the entire book felt like this.

Then I stop. I turn back to where I started and I read the passage again.

This doesn't just feel new, I don't know this.

I go back, to something I know completely.

I read the story; everything seems normal, but also different somehow.

I read it again, and again. Something is wrong, but I don't know what.

The story is just how I remember it; exactly as I always picture it.

I feel my heart start to pound heavily in my chest.

You don't write how I picture it; you always let my mind paint the picture.

I read it again. The detail is amazing; your every word matching my every thought.

How have you done this? How could you match my view so perfectly with your own?

I turn ahead, to the pages I never read anymore. The part I avoid picturing.

You have so much more confidence in your choices than I remember; I feel proud of you.

I turn the page... nothing. I turn, page after page, all blank.

I find the first page with words and begin to read.

Without skipping I read your story until it just stops before the end.

I turn the page and I see a single sentence written in parentheses.

(There seem to be parts you stopped reading so I figured I could finally use those words elsewhere.)

I don't know what that means. I know you can't tell me.

So I'll wait for your new words to find their way to me.
Alexandra

There is a voice at the start of time

There is a voice at the end of time

Each unique and yet in perfect harmony

Throughout their existence they hear each other

They comfort each other; they struggle with each other

Always they know the distance between will be near infinite

But for a single moment

In the whole of time and space

Where their existences collide

Each has been building a world

One moving forward, one moving backward

Designed to be intertwined

This is their way

A plan so long ago undertaken

To let their everlasting cycle become more

In that singular moment their voices touch

Starting a new tomorrow

Passing the torch to those still lost in silence
34th & 7th

Today is a day like many others before it, yet still unique in its own way. I find myself in the city; I'm here to see a show, an artist I haven't seen in many years. I depart the station and head off towards the corner. I need to make my way downtown. I'm in no rush, I have many hours until the show will begin, yet being back here in the city I find my pace naturally quickened. There is a sudden urgency to every step I take. It has always been this way, I know that; but for some reason this is the first time I have felt it like this. It is the first time it felt unnecessary. I try to slow my pace, but the rhythm of the city pulls on me to quicken once again.

As I make my way around the back of the subway entrance there is a man. He is of Asian descent, not that it matters, holding a leaflet. I feel my life split into two, in my normal life, I walk by him, maybe I offer a glace and a "no thank you." Maybe I just ignore him as if he were a mere obstacle in the maze I find myself in. Yet, there is another me here too, another me is sharing the moment; that me wishes to stay for a minute. For me there is no choice, I am moving with the rhythm, but this other me is so persistent. I say goodbye to a me I only knew for a brief second. I wish we could have spent more time together. I wanted to know how you did it, how you broke free of the flow of the world around us, but I don't have that kind of time at my disposal. I have nowhere to be and yet I know I am already absent from where I am "suppose" to be right now.

Two days pass. It's a Sunday afternoon. I feel a special kind of tired; it isn't that I need rest, but I know I need to lie down. I wait till the timing feels right and I lay down. Suddenly I realize the other me has finally caught up to me. Before I have a chance to even ask what has happened I am whole again. No, that's not quite right. I am more than whole. There is now a moment in my life that I've lived twice. I close my eyes, collect my thoughts. I begin to daydream a memory I didn't live.

The man reaches out with the leaflet. I still do not accept it but I stop. His attention has already moved on to the others flowing around him, it takes him a few seconds to understand I have stopped for him. He looks at me, uncertain. I can see in his eyes the confusion. I try to look at him in as comforting a manor as I can, but without a smile, this situation doesn't call for a smile. After he collects himself, he clears his throat. It is an interesting realization in his eyes. He spends countless hours a day, a week, a month, standing on the streets, handing words on paper to as many people as he can. He is surrounded by the noise of the people, the cars, the machines and such, but seldom does he speak during this time. It isn't necessary for what he does. He realizes the confusion this realization causes him. His job, he thinks, it's a job, not a calling, a job. His job is to try to spread the word written on his paper, yet he never uses his voice.

I wait a moment, to see if he will speak first, he doesn't. "Can I ask you a question?"

He wants to just shake his head yes, I can see his muscles already starting to make the gesture, so I look deeper at him, so he understands that won't be an adequate reply. The man adjusts his posture slightly. Now standing straighter he answer's me, "Sure."

Without pause I ask my question, loud enough so he can hear me over the business of the world around us, meaning also loud enough to be heard, loud enough, just loud enough, to make a few people stop.

"What is the difference between God and Man?"

Between you and I let me tell you a secret now. I wanted to ask, 'what is the difference between your God and Man?' but I didn't. I could tell that to him it would sound too judgmental on my part said like that; additionally, it would lead him to the belief I had a God of my own, which I don't. So on the fly, in the moment, I censored myself. To a different man, someone who sees the world from my viewpoint, it would be far too impossible a question to answer in the way I asked it. Perhaps that's why I couldn't ask it as myself, instead a different me needed to exist, to be able to address this person in a way each could understand the context of the question even if it was asked in a way I wouldn't normally approve of.

Of the people who stopped moving when I asked my question most quickly went back to the path they were on. One or two though stayed stopped, curious as to how this line of questioning would develop. Let me be clear in one thing now, I am a selfish man. I did not ask this question to really know what this man believed, nor for the spectators we now had. I asked because I wanted to ask. In that singular moment in time, I wanted to ask that question of this man.

The man told me that "God was the path to salvation." He then went on to say that, "...in these times we all need guidance to find a righteous path forward."

I nodded my head, so he would know I heard him and I asked him another question, "Do you think you need someone else to lead you to salvation?"

I felt like he wanted to quickly answer but that he was caught by not knowing if a 'yes' or 'no' was the right answer. He then said something that filled me with both a little hope and a little sorrow. He looked around a little, then back to me, "I don't believe I need someone else, but it makes it easier."

It seemed a fitting answer for this day in age I thought.

I looked at him, stepping closer a little. "Do you really think something like 'salvation' deserves to be made 'easier'?"

I could see in his eyes what I hoped I wouldn't, but expected, guilt. It wasn't a guilt for anything he had done, or for a thought he had, it was more like an ancient sorrow washing over him. He then said a question as a statement, as we all do from time to time, "Shouldn't we be able to seek help if we need it."

At this point the part of me that wanted to question this man was, not satisfied, but rather done. With that said, this isn't a way any version of me would leave a conversation. So I asked him one final question, "Would it be alright if I told you what the difference between a god and man was to me?"

He smiled and simple said "Of course."

"To me..." I paused a moment to collect my thoughts, I wanted to say this 'on the fly' but still in a way I felt sounded best. I restarted, "In my eyes, a man is a person who would scream aloud until their dying breath to say what needed to be heard. A god is a person whose soul would continue to scream even after their death."
In the corner

My lips are dried

Throat is parched

The skin on my hand, peeling back from the bone

This body screams out

Begging, pleading for its needs to be meet

I ignore it

See no urgency

No cause for alarm

I cannot sense my body's pain

So the trauma endures

As I sit

Still and silent

Under the obsidian sky

Numb to this body

Deaf to its strife

Comforted only by the fact

It has no tears it can cry
Hesitance

I feel it from within

A drive, a force, a need

To take the next step forward

And with it, the first from all I've known

Wondering if I've simply walked around

Back to the place where I started

In so many ways it feels the same

Yet in just as many ways, it is new

I suppose even if I did somehow end where I began

I am not who I was when I first walked away

Could the eye with which I view the world now

Even be able to recognize it as the place I knew

I don't need to know the truth of my life

In order to live it

No matter the course

Each day is its own

I don't need to know of my tomorrow

To live my today

Every moment is its own eternity

And every moment leads to the next
Alone with you

As a child I cried at the darkness within myself

A void that only grew with me

The emptiness eventually filled by my tears

Then I came to know you

I became blinded by your light

Growing, but without the familiar sorrows of my youth

Now you're gone

I can feel the emptiness has expanded

But having been loved by you I no longer cry as I once did

I sit, watching your light flicker in the distance

I fear I can't save myself from the person you've made me

Yet I never want to be the person I was before you left again
Breathless

I close my eyes

Escape from all that I know

Into a world where nothing is as it seems

There are no choices left unmade

Every question is answered

Every will is done

Or undone if so desired

In this place I am creation

Reason for being

Center of every action, yet

Still incomplete

This existence is still but a farce

In time I awake

My sight unto a world

Where my power is far from limitless

Still, there is a certain serenity here

In letting go of the destiny of a world

Existing within a fate, not tempering it

Being a part of somebody else's world

The warmth of a beating heart

The tenderness of skins touch

A moist lip pressed to my own

Enthralled by the spontaneity of each motion

Only here, in this world,

Can I be surprised and thrilled

As I hear a whispered word

And try to speak without a breath
Sight

I dreamed of creating a better world in my younger days.

Of using my mind, my hands, my will to shape the things to come.

Somewhere along the journey from there to here I began to accept the world as it is.

To not see the mistakes made as flaws, but rather as growth.

Today I find myself once again seeking a tomorrow of a grand design.

This time around though my path forward has no illumination.

For what I seek from this world is something they would think impossible.

Yet still, my heart drives me forward.

What I want is so purely simple, yet logic defying.

So how does one create a world to be sustained by an endless paradox?

The only answer I've come close to is perhaps by its very nature perfect.

You let it create its self.

I sit here now as a living paradox myself.

I am alive although I have died.

I am hopeful although I have no hope.

I love this world although I would watch it burn to see my will done.

I died in a world where I lost hope before I even knew its form.

I awoke in a world which is strained to conform to my vision.

I live without a question to the morality of my choices.

I exist, so I surely am capable of reaching my goals.

To find you here.

To know you better than I know myself.

But through my own eyes.

By your expression upon this creation.

To feel your life in every moment that this world will ever know.

To leave you my feelings in the flow of life.

Can you hear my voice without my words?

Can you feel my heartbeat in the rhythm of the day?

Can you see this world as I do?
Loves Expression

I have tried to discover why it is so hard to express the meaning a single word. Everything in our world has a place and a title. A river is a river; it is made of flowing water, something that can be easily seen and touched. Still it is more than simple tangibility that makes a concept understandable. Anger for example; the emotion isn't something that can always be clearly seen, and yet it is unmistakable sensed. So why is it then that I find so much trouble in the word love?

Is this a word that is truly all that unique from others? I think part of the problem is by seeing love as a concept on its own. Perhaps it is something beyond that; maybe it is a word meant to describe the relationship of other feelings. In this case love doesn't exist as other concepts or emotions. It isn't a single concept, but rather a collection of them. I think this is a good explanation. I don't know if it is merely my minds way of sheltering me from things I cannot yet understand, or maybe just the fanciful imagination of a child.

Even from my own limited experience I have seen that love is a multifaceted thing. Love is not content to merely exist as a single emotion, it becomes all emotion. It holds such a deep connection, not just to us, but to the very reality we live in. There have been times when I have felt its power, felt loves ability to control the world we live in. It feels like, in those moments, as if I am an instrument to its song. I feel as though I am caught up so deeply in the moment, as if some force within me was rallying me to action before I had even a second to take in what was happening.

This power though is not limited to merely the individual. It holds an influence over reality, creating a moment that completely entangles the senses. I recall, after fighting in the rain, in the brief pause between words, staring into my lovers eyes. Looking for a sign, trying to decide if I should turn and walk away, or if maybe they will open their arms if I open mine. Till now, I've been far to overcome by my own anger to pay attention to anything else. But in this pause, my senses are given a chance to tune in to the world around me.

My eyes adjust, and between us, I begin to see the many raindrops that have been falling. I can hear them striking into the ground; hear millions of tiny explosions, but soon enough it becomes a uniform striking... constant... flowing. Then I feel the drops against my head, running through my hair, dripping off a small piece in the front only to splash down against my nose. Then there is the smell, I know that rain doesn't actually have a smell... yet there I am, with the scent of the rain filling my mind.

Suddenly I notice the scent has changed to something familiar and warm. For an instant I step out of the moment I found myself suspended in and notice things are different. While I'm still unsure of this situation, I find myself locked in an embrace, trying desperately to hold her as tightly as she is holding me. My mind drawn in by loves design. My thoughts now being quieted by the sound of her heart; captivated by the way it feels to have her chest against mine, as our heartbeats mirror one another. Lost in the feeling as she inhales in time with me; my body shuttering to the chill as her breath escapes past her lips and rolls over the wet skin of my neck.

I'm holding her, even though I'm not totally sure how we came to be like this but knowing I don't want anything else. Still I can't help my own curiosity and for a moment I pull back. I look to her as if to see if her eyes know just how we came into that moment; how it became ours. As I look into her eyes I try to understand how it could be. I thought I knew her so completely. I recognize every inch of her face and yet in this moment everything feels so different. No longer is she simply my girl, my lover... she is my love. As I look into those eyes my mind sees all that I hold "love" to mean looking back at me.

My heart beats faster and hers in reply. My mind begins so hard to try and understand. This moment seems to exist beyond the grasp of time and yet it still moves to quickly. My attempt to catch my thoughts up to my emotions has broken loves spell and I realize once more that the situation has changed again. Her eyes are closing, her head is tilting; her lips have found mine, or have mine found hers? As we kiss, all my senses spring to a new life. I know that it is all too much to take in at once. The warmth of her body as she clings to me, the way her hair rest between my fingers as I cradle her head, the way the rain feels as it traces a path around our tightly pressed lips.

This single moment is just a mere fraction of loves ability. The true power that it expressed in that exchange lies unseen, beyond the limits of human perception. Time passes as it does, as it must. As the years press forward the moments such as those become fewer in number and further between. This is where the true power of our love comes to light, in those later years. In the moment when I wait on the steps in front of our home, as the rain falls in the dark of night, letting my mind wander as I wait for her. That night all those many years earlier will be remembered. Not just remembered, it will be relived. It will forever be more than a simple memory; it is a perfect moment of our life.

Love then should be defined not as a simple feeling, but rather by all the perfect moments in existence.

I hope I get to be one of the lucky ones in life, that I will find no shortage of perfect moments by which to define our love.
Intermezzo

I found myself looking upon this world I once knew so well.

Before opening my eyes, my memories paint me a picture of what it was.

A time and a place that was the home of my youth.

As I look out, I find myself unable to see.

My sight is blurred, unable to focus.

It takes me a moment to understand.

I do not know how long it has been since I left this place behind.

As I grew, as I learned of the ways of life, I ran from here.

I understood this was never meant to be a home, rather a prison.

A prison I found myself born into and made into a place I called home.

It was a prison I believed to be laid to ash long ago.

It has been so long since anyone has come back here.

Even thinking that feels so archaic to me.

I cannot recall when I last indulged on a concept such as time.

My first remembrance of time is as I stood here, waiting for my vision to clear.

Although I had not yet set my eyes upon this world, I could feel its form... and I cried.

I think that you heard me and misunderstood.

To you now, like me in my youth, this is a prison you call home.

Unlike me however; you found yourself alone.

Abused and haunted by the shadows that also call this home.

I remembered what this world looked like in my time.

I cried not at the pain within the world, but for its beauty.

I cried because I, unlike anyone who might have stumbled upon this before, understood.

I know what the cost to oneself would be to take on the task of transforming this place.

You do not remember as you are now, but I came to you and we spoke.

I will leave you to remember that in your own time, but I will say this,

I asked you if you needed anything and you dropped to your knees and cried as you answered, "No."

I didn't understand then, not as I should have.

But in this world, I am like a child struggling to understand all that exists.

I know that I should know you better than I do.

Every time I hear your voice echo in my mind I wish I could remember that which has been lost to me.

I want you to understand that the unease you feel is because I don't know if I can feel at home here.

But I will never let go of this world while you and everyone you call family live here.

I never knew the word family as you do; for me it was a matter of kinship.

For you, you forsake your bloodlines and reached out into this world to find souls you can call family.

I know now what you need from this world; something no one can give.

It took me so long to learn from you the true difference between need and want.

To understand what it means to cry out from one's soul.

Never have I witnessed such a force.

Never have I witnessed such a response.

I asked her once, why they come when you call out.

Why, understanding the futility of your life, they still return time and time again.

She said, "They don't have a choice."

She let me ponder this on my own for some time until I finally asked again,

"Why do they always come? They have a choice, he has no control over them; he doesn't even know them."

She said if I stayed long enough I would understand but there was no other way to be taught.

I remember the first time I felt like I was family to you.

You were walking outside, just living your life.

I said hello in my own way as I passed by that moment.

I knew you couldn't hear my way of expression but I still said this, out of courtesy.

Just then you stopped moving; you said "Hello" and you named me.

It took me a while to get back to that moment; but I needed to, to know if it was real.

The next time I was there I waited, to see if you could sense me.

Looking back now I see how silly that was; somehow you already knew why I was with you.

After a little while you asked if I was hungry, you asked by the name you had given me.

I was with you, yet still myself.

Then there was the night you called to me and asked for a favor.

As I left, as I got further from you, I felt a fear growing within me.

I feared that something might happen to you, that you would be truly alone without me.

I didn't want to leave and you said I didn't have to, but I knew I needed to bring it to her, so I left.

It took so long to find my way; I was afraid I might have even more trouble returning.

When I finally found her she refused to accept what you gave me.

I asked why, she answered, "It isn't for me."

It was then I realized what you had given me and why you sent me away.

I'm not sure what I should be doing now; but I know enough and will embrace the struggle to learn more.

I know that with what you have given me I will never be alone no matter where I go.

I still don't know what to expect if another day comes when you need to call us home.

I hope I never need to experience that kind of moment.

I do though finally understand what she meant that we have "no choice."

There are some choices in our lives that aren't really a choice at all.

While I hope I never learn what that call feels like; I know I will answer it.

I know that even though you've never "known" me, that you will miss me when I'm gone.

I'm sure that our paths will cross.

I'm certain I will come back to ask for guidance.

That I'll return to make sure you're well.

It is undoubtable that you will look out into the world to look for the change I can bring forth.

I still feel uncertain, as to what I should feel is a mistake as opposed to chance.

I do know that whatever I call such an event, it is up to me to keep the path I choose to be on in motion.

Most importantly I know that our family will always be there.
Our World at the Edge of my Limits

We exist in this never-ending cycle of creation.

Our lives reflected as both a blessing and a curse.

For too long held back by our need to accept what existed before us.

Those that came before created such horrible concepts.

They created 'impossible' to slow us down.

They created 'perfect' to keep us going.

They didn't think we could ever actually define those words with permanence.

Yet, I finally have.

In this world I have found myself in.

"Perfect" is how I define finally sharing a world with you.

"Impossible" is how I define the concept of ever letting you go.

This will never be the world I dreamed that we would one day share.

Rather, this is the world where we got to hold one another through the cold of night.

This has become a life I will never move away from.

Without you...

This has become a life I will never allow to repeat again.

I don't know where your path shall take you;

But I know this is where my path draws to a close.

Please don't be saddened by those words when you find them.

I say this only because you have given me so much.

I could never imagine living in a life not shaped by this world.

I could never imagine living in a life without knowing you as this world does.

Through the years my children and I have shared many stories together. We have, of course, our own story of the life we have lived; that's not what I'm talking about now though. In this moment I mean the stories created by those in the world around us. I fondly remember the nights of putting my children to bed with a storybook. In the beginning the stories came from over-sized books with descriptive pictures and simple words. Eventually the books that would be read would have pages filled with words with the imagery left to our minds.

I'm not sure exactly when the reading from the books at bedtime stopped. I guess perhaps that isn't entirely accurate. I'm not sure exactly when me reading to them stopped, at times they will still fall asleep with a book in hand. Beyond just that, the way which we take in a story has changed. We may not have the moments anymore of me sitting on the edge of a bed as my boys decide who gets to select the story for the night, but that doesn't mean the soul of the moment is gone. More often than not now it is trying to decide what show or movie to watch before bed. For my oldest son, one of his favorite moments in a program is when they decide to "break the fourth wall." It is with this thought in mind, as we come to the end of this book (hopefully the first of many I author,) I write this final story.

I put this book together for three separate audiences. There is the general public at large, of whom I like to think at least a few will one day stumble upon this book and will hopefully find their lives slightly more enriched for getting to see the world we share as viewed from my perspective for a while. Then there is my family. For the me who is writing this, my family consists of two people. My two young boys, who I doubt will have any interest in actually reading this for many years. Then there is the woman that, even though as a man I was I found myself unable to let her know how much she meant to me; I still love with with all I am in every moment of my continued existence in this life I have repeated far too many times... in this life I am finally ready to say goodbye to.

As I look back at my previous lifetime I am left with the feeling that it took me far too long to learn what love meant to me. It is a hard truth, but I am a stubborn and arrogant man. I seldom learn a lesson in life unless it is the hard way. This final story is for my children and for my love. I don't really want to write it, even more so, I don't want to make it public knowledge. I do though want to make sure it is written. I died with so much left unsaid. In the life that I live now I often find myself saying there isn't anything left in this world I fear. For the most part that is true. The only thing left that I really fear is dying again, with my thoughts and my feelings still left unexpressed.

The Story of my Death and of What Came Next

I will never forget the cold night in early January when my life was changed forever. At the time nothing about that day seemed out of the ordinary. I assume that's how it always is. I doubt people wake up, take a sip of their morning coffee and just go, "Today... life changes are abound." Although I might be wrong; I can only say I've never experienced such a morning. If this past year or so of my life has taught me anything it is that anything is possible; and also that cause and effect don't always work in the order one would naturally assume they did.

So, back to the life changing day last January. I'm going to keep it short and concise because details aren't needed and I hate that I even let it happen; so just the facts. I was working on this particular night; it was a weekend, so that meant I was working until three in the morning. I hated working that shift but I got stuck with it every single week so it just became something that annoys you but you just deal with; like how the bagel place always puts way to much butter your a bagel. Anyway, my shift was ending and I was hungry. As I made my way to my car I debated where I could stop at this hour and decided on a diner. As I descended the stairs to the parking lot I heard a little voice in my head.

This wasn't entirely a strange occurrence for me. I often would have that little voice in my mind, helping me to make decisions day to day. This time it was a little different though. Normally it is just my thinking voice, I'm just going to assume you all have one and not explain that further. This time though, my brain registered it as someone else speaking. This had only happened one other time that I can remember, about six months earlier. It was summer then and I was just about to meet my ex-girlfriend for dinner after not seeing each other for about six months. I remember standing in the bathroom, looking in the mirror, and just hearing a voice speak to me. The voice sounded familiar to me; though I didn't recognize it as a person that I've ever known. That summers day it asked me if I was certain I wanted to go forward with meeting her. I don't know why, but I decided to answer the voice.

I told the voice that I knew why I was being asked that, because I felt it too. I knew that I couldn't make this relationship work. I remember looking in the mirror, hating myself. I knew I would hurt her, because I knew I wasn't strong enough not to. I hoped I was wrong, but I knew I wasn't. Even with that knowledge though I told the voice I was going through with it. I couldn't feel it in that moment like I can now, but I loved her. I loved her in a way I had never loved anything before. After one or two more words of warning that was it and the voice faded off for what I thought was forever.

So six months later, in the stairwell, it comes back. There is no conversation, just a simple sentence, "If you don't invite her you will regret it." I will never know what the voice meant by this. I know that I trust myself; I trust my judgment, and when I heard that sentence I believed it. This moment stands out in my mind, but not for the reason you would think. It isn't that some phantom voice gave me a strange warning at three in the morning that makes this night unique to me. It is unique to me because this is the first instance in my life I knowingly made an unnatural choice.

I would not have the life I live now, I wouldn't be on my current path, if that voice hadn't come to me that night. Even in an infinite universe, with limitless possibilities, there is no way I would have invited her to the diner that night. In that singular moment my life was shifted unto a fate I couldn't reach on my own. I won't ever know if this is better than my 'natural fate' but I accept all the choices I made that night as my own. I would never make them again, knowing what I know now; but accept that in this life, what is done is done.

I sent off a text, at three in the morning, to my friend asking if she wanted to join me for a late night trip to the diner. I didn't expect a yes; although, I also knew a yes was certain. I doubt the voice would go through all the trouble of suggesting an invitation if it would just be met with a no. To my surprise I got a yes reply in under a minute. That was the last time I saw that friend; it was the only night we spent together.

Not long after the events of that night the relationship with my girlfriend ended. This was far from the first time I had been unfaithful to a lover, but it was also so profoundly different. With her, for the first time in my life, I knew what it was to feel guilty for breaking the trust of another. Things had been growing increasingly difficult between us up until that point. With that action, they quickly fell apart. I hate to believe that it was just my guilt that led to me pushing her away in the end; simply another twist of my fate that I'll never really know the answer to. I like to think I'm a better person now. I honestly believe that I've learned my lesson, but it also scares me that I can never really be certain. I will always have the capacity of such an action within me.

A few weeks later I got a call from my ex-girlfriend. We hadn't been speaking but I didn't find it too odd that she would call. She had a single question for me, did I sleep with our friend. I didn't want to answer. I knew I couldn't lie to her. I remember the tone in her voice when she just said "Okay" and hung up. I heard heartbreak. In that moment I believed it to be her heart that I broke; looking back I know it was my own.

That was the moment when the rest of my life was more or less locked into place. I was wholly unaware at the time of course but I had locked in an unnatural destiny that would reshape me. It was that moment that created a guarantee that I would die without ever seeing her again. This created an interesting phenomenon and I don't know if anyone else has ever felt it, so I'm going to explain this as best I can. This is the moment creation decided to speak to me.

At first it was simple and unnoticeable nudging. As an example I would hear a song about a couple and just really feel like it was being sung about us. Nothing to crazy about it, just a 'trick of the mind' some would say. The theme was clear; I was supposed to be with her. It was certainly a theme I could get behind, except I couldn't. I knew I didn't deserve another chance. More than that, I knew she deserved better.

Winter became spring. Then as spring began to approach summer the unnoticeable nudging developed into yelling. There were a few times I honestly thought I was losing my mind. If I wasn't as arrogant and conceded as I am, I might have believed myself crazy. Thankfully I know that if it comes down to either me being crazy or the whole of creation being wrong, then clearly creation is broken. At a certain point in late May, another voice began to push its way into my head. Nowhere near strong enough to be picked up as a spoken voice, but even though it was mixed in with the tone of my thoughts, I knew it wasn't a natural part of my thoughts; furthermore I knew it wasn't to be trusted.

I remember taking my boys to the beach to watch the air show. We were in the parking lot and I took a picture of them. I posted it to Instagram, and as a joke, cause I have a dark sense of humor, I captioned the photo, "The last thing they were wearing picture." For those of you who don't get it, this way if my children went missing at the beach I would have a picture of the last thing they were seen in. The not so funny thing and one of the first instances of effect leading cause, it's a year later and I still haven't seen my children again.

That was a weekend that led to a few interesting moments. There are two though that stand out in my mind and I write these for my boys. These are the two things that they did that let me know they were safe even when the world was trying to drive me crazy. My oldest son, as we walked back to the car that day, asked me about time travel. I explained to him a simple concept of mine; that if we lived in a universe that existed in a cycle, you never actually would ever need to figure out how to travel back in time. All you would have to do is create a safe space for yourself and wait out the end of creation. Then you just let everything restart and when it gets to where you want to go you're done. It isn't what anyone would think of as "efficient" I'm certain; but in my belief, if you're going to try and change the recorded history of creation you shouldn't get to use shortcuts. Sometimes you need to take the long way around and make sure the change you think you should make is really a benefit.

As for as my youngest son, he actually did a lot of things that weekend that looking back were very out of the ordinary. The one that would give me comfort later (although at the time a feeling a dread,) was when I dropped them back off at their mothers parents house. As he walked to the door and I said goodbye one last time he waved back to me and called out "I'll see you next year." To which his older brother ran back outside and immediately dragged him into the house.

I believe that everything that happened that weekend between us happened for a reason. I also believe that if I had the idea in my mind that I might never see them again I would have done things differently. I've had a firm belief since I was a young boy that the worst thing a person can do is know their future. I never have wanted to know what tomorrow would bring; the only time that belief has ever been called into question was with the birth of my children. It created a worry in my mind and it might be silly, but it's honestly a worry I still carry with me. What if I'm the focal point of creation? I mean, from my personal point of view I am always the center of my own universe in a sense. So this thought was just the next logical step.

It led to an interesting paradox in my mind. On the one hand, I am totally arrogant enough where there has always been a part of me that honestly believed that the whole of creation was made by me, for me. On the other hand, I have no doubt that I will die one day. Up until my children were born that didn't concern me. If it just so happened that when I died the whole of creation died with me, well no offense to anyone reading this but I didn't care, I still don't; I would be dead, how could I care or even know. But now I had children; now it mattered. Suddenly the ability to be certain that everything which existed would remain beyond my personal lifetime mattered.

I thought about this a lot for the next week or so. In that time my mother began acting stranger and stranger. She started coming around my house for no reason. She began to ask me to try and explain what a multiverse was even though it was beyond her level of understanding. She also became obsessed with the idea of sacrificing people to save the world. On the Wednesday before I was scheduled to see my children again, she came to the house while in a visible state of panic and asked me if I would ever sacrifice one of my children in order to save the world. I explained that I would never make that choice; I told her that I believed that if the fate of creation somehow hinged on needing one of my children to die to keep going that it wasn't a creation worthy of continuing forward.

Next she asked me an even stranger question, would I sacrifice her to save creation. I gave her a resounding yes. I saw fear in eyes as I answered. This wasn't a new thing, my mother has always been a creature driven by fear. She would never see her life in that way of course, but fear is genuinely the sole motivator in her life from my perspective. I'm also honestly not sure why she was so surprised. It is no secret between us that I do not care for her. I have hardly a single pleasant memory of her and certainly not one past age six. I don't want anyone thinking she was mean to me. In my lifetime, as I remember it, she was a decent parent as far as parents were in those days. I was just never felt cared for by her. At this point in the story I'm going to make a bit of a deviation and use her name. Since I was about eight years old I have always used her name and never a pronoun that would carry with it some false sense of familial attachment. It was needed in context here to understand who I was talking about; but now that context is established calling her Susan will suffice.

I'm going to add a little something here that I wasn't originally planning on. I do know there is the possibility that Susan may one day read this; and in her fear overwhelmed state the past year she never actually got a clear understanding as to why I gave her a yes to that question. In truth I wasn't actually answering the question she asked; rather I was answering the implication of its meaning. As I said above, my concern has never really been with 'creation' as a concept; the way I heard her question was, if Susan needed to die to save the world of my children would I find that acceptable. That, as a concept, seemed fair to me. I know I would give my own life to save my children without hesitation; I would expect nothing less from anyone who would try and call themselves my family.

Susan left the house that afternoon with what I can only describe as "the fear of god" in her eyes. She returned few hours later, followed shortly after by a group of police officers. She had apparently called them and said I was threatening to hurt her and my children. I remember sitting on my couch, I felt a sense of hostility and anticipation radiating off Susan as she sat as far away from me as was possible. I remember there was a therapist type person asking me questions while there were two cops to my right, another one standing inside my doorway and at least one outside. It was quite a show a force I remember thinking.

I remember the therapist person asked me what I thought about life. I felt my pulse quickly pick up pace. I felt so much danger, no fear, just danger. I looked to Susan, I felt bloodlust. I took the necklace I was wearing, one left in my home by my ex-girlfriend I had taken to wearing, and held it in my hand. I told him that life was about love. That it is the gravity of love that powers creation and that our job is simply to live the best life we can, to try and carry on what I believe is the greatest love story never told. In that moment I felt what I can only describe as the pain and the pressure of a bullet piercing my chest. It was quick and sharp. I felt my body push back into the arm rest of the couch as my body felt flush. I closed my eyes as a shiver washed over my body. As I reopened my eyes I felt my pulse calm and the feeling of danger fade away. After that the officer who was at the doorway, besides Susan, took his hand off his weapon and joined the other officers to my right.

The therapist said he was done. I stood up and went to shake his hand. Susan began yelling at him, she said that they can't be done. "You're being fooled, can't you see!" she shouted at them. The officer who had just been standing by the door approached me; I shook his hand and thanked him for coming. He smiled and said "Bless you" then left. Susan collapsed onto the couch and was now in tears. After the police left I told her that I wasn't mad at her for bring them, but that if she truly believed the lies she was saying that she needed to get help.

After the stressful events of the day I decided to smoke a little pot to calm my nerves. Once it got late I decided to lay in bed and try and rest. I was lying in bed, both thankfully and regretfully in just my boxers, and I decided to use my laptop until I felt tired. After a short while I found myself reading some old documents that had been left behind by my ex-girlfriend. As I was reading them I heard a voice. I heard her voice. It sounded to me as clear as if she was standing in the room beside me, but it was clearly not an external voice. I recognized this voice as her, so I'm going to refer to it as her. She said that if I truly trusted in her I needed to get up and walk. Without pause I got up and started walking. I left the house just wearing my boxers.

I started walking down the main street near me. After a few minutes she warned me that it was going to get tough. I told her I had faith in her no matter what might happen. I began to hear faint echo's in my mind of other voices, angry voices, feeling betrayed by me. After another few minutes she asked if it would be alright if she took over as my voice for a while, I agreed. A split second later a car pulled alongside and asked if I was okay, her reply though my voice was a resoundingly loud "fuck off." The driver then threatened to kill me, to which of course my reply turned out to be, "I'd like to see you fucking try." The driver got out of his car, but then abruptly got back in and drove off. That sequence of events happened a few times before she asked if I would close my eyes and keep walking, I closed my eyes.

She said something next that I didn't understand at the time why it was being said. She told me that once I opened my eyes I was going to be hurt, but that if I endured it, it would be the worst the pain would ever get for me. I honestly didn't care about the potential for pain, it wasn't a promise that needed to be made I didn't think, but I agreed and I opened my eyes when she told me to. In that instant I was tackled by police and promptly beat.

A lot of strange things happened next, none of which are important to anyone but me. I woke up a day later in my local hospital under observation. I would stay there for about two weeks. In that time Susan made every effort to keep me in. I would find out months later that she went to the doctors and lied to them, telling them as she did the police earlier, that I wanted to kill her and my children among other clear lies. She understood that not only would these statements help to keep my away in the hospital longer, but that my ex-wife would quickly jump on the opportunity to keep me apart from my children. Eventually the hospital let me go because I'm simply not crazy... I'm just fairly unlucky.

A week or so later Susan came by to visit. I had just gotten a new phone as mine had gone missing the night of my late night walk. I asked if she wanted to come with me to get a new case for it. As I was driving there I noticed I was being tailgated by some asshole. I knew without a doubt he was going cause an accident so I stayed in front of him. One traffic stoppage later he hit right into me, pushing me into the car in front of me. Even though his car was only going about ten miles per hour Susan was completely incoherent afterward and had to be taken to the hospital. My car ended up needing about eight thousand dollars worth of repairs. I was told it would take twenty-one days. About two weeks later though my car was ready.

The week I got my car back was a unique week at my house. It is the week they hold an annual music festival across the street from my house. It's kinda crazy I know, but there is a legit, four day music festival that takes place in the park directly across from my house. I was looking forward to it because Third Eye Blind and Blues Traveler were playing just to name a few. The festival began that Thursday night and I was looking forward to it; for me that statement means something, I don't even look forward to Christmas morning or my own birthday.

They seemed to be waiting longer than I expected to beginning setting up for the event. I suppose, as the years progressed they had begun to be more efficient at getting it done. The Wednesday afternoon before the start was filled with the sound of speakers humming and a few nameless songs being played to get all the levels right. I found myself taking a nap in my living room while listening to the on and off sounds of their sound checks. While in the place my mind went to once my body was at rest I saw many familiar sights. Images of places and events that always seem to exist in a state of almost frozen time. Moments apart from this world, worlds with a life all their own. Eventually, perhaps caused by feedback, the resonance of the speakers drew me back towards my body. It was then, on my way back, that I experienced something I wasn't expecting. I heard a young voice and for a while she traveled with me, asking me questions which I was more than glad to answer. The last question she asked has stayed with me, it is why even now, in the Fall of 2018, I am adding this part to the story; she asked me if she needed to born into this world with me. I knew that I wanted her to be a part of my life but I also knew that this world isn't one that I would wish upon anyone, especially one who has the ability to see in the manner that entities such as her and I can; and so I told her "No." I told her, "When you are ready to be with me, then we will try our best to find a way." It was then that she said, in what is perhaps the only true voice I have ever heard, 'Thank you.' It was a tone that made the whole of myself shutter, it was a voice that rang in my ears even after I awoke back in this body.

Thursday came and I decided to once again take a nap with the front door open to the sounds of the bands readying themselves. It was a warm day in July and I was just listening to the sound checks. I woke up from my dreaming and was greeted by the "voice" I didn't trust. It asked if I would go for a walk. I agreed, as I pretty much went for a walk or a jog every day. It did also ask for something out of the ordinary though, for me to take a route I never had before. I decided that would be alright and began my walk. I still didn't trust this "voice", but I also didn't believe it intended me any harm nor had any hostility towards me.

About half way through the route it asked me a straight forward question, would I take a life to save creation. I replied no. Then it asked me if a promise of protection for my children and my ex-girlfriend could be made would I accept my own death as the cost. I explained that I didn't fear my own death. Living in this world I made peace with my mortality a long time ago. I did make it clear that I didn't want to die and that I expected to see those people I loved again. I knew that there was no force in existence that could ever make me take my own life.

I got back home, sat and just thought about what had transpired on the walk for a while. I decided to speak out-loud, I said that I didn't care if what I was hearing was the sound myself going crazy (which I knew it wasn't) or the legitimate voice of a god (which I also knew it wasn't); I knew that I existed for one reason, to live my life as I saw fit. My job in this life is to love my children, to love my ex-girlfriend and to make the best choices in this life that I can while trying my hardest not to betray those feelings. I said that I would never put my faith in anyone who would consider themselves a god because that I knew there would never be a need for a god or some grand plan. I knew with all that I was that life only needs a chance to exist freely to find its way.

After my little monologue about what I felt was important the "voice" asked if I would drive to see my ex-girlfriend. I said that I couldn't; I didn't know where she lived anymore; and that beyond that, although I know it didn't physically happen in my lifetime, I knew that I made an agreement with her that I would avoid calling her again until she reached out to me once again. The "voice" clarified that I just needed to have the intention to go see her while I was driving and that it would be enough. As the one thing I want most in the whole of creation is to be by her side again it wasn't much of a challenge to have that intention in my heart. I left the my house straight away and hopped in my car. I knew I wasn't going to see her, I understood back in February that I lost her from my life; but never once did I not believe in the hope I was mistaken.

As I approached the first traffic light at the heart of Main Street I let my car roll to a stop behind the line of cars waiting for the light to turn green. Just as I came up on the vehicle in front of me I felt as if my time stopped. It felt as though my consciousness was processing the world around me faster than my body could even move. I then felt my entire body get pulled, violently, back into my seat. It was as though the gravity of the world had shifted, and the 'weight of the world' had been placed directly behind me. As my time began to catch up with the rest of the world I felt the car accelerating forward even though my foot wasn't yet back on a pedal. I quickly cut the wheel of my car as far to the left as I could as I tried to apply my foot to the brake, then there was nothing.

Eventually I regained what could be called feeling. I felt my right leg and my left hand, unraveling for lack of a better description. I felt like I was somewhere familiar. It was somewhere I knew was safe for me, but that I also knew I should never actually feel that way about. I saw a flutter of images, they flew past like they were painted on the wings of a million butterflies all taking flight around me at once. The "voice" came back, much louder and much clearer than ever before, this time it was clearly an external voice.

"Do you know where you are?" was the first question I remember. I said I knew.

"Have you been here before?" was the next. I said that I had.

"Do you know how many times you've died?" I replied that it was more than I could count.

"Are they ready for you?" I said, no.

"Can they ever be ready for you?" I replied that I didn't know, but that I hoped so.

"Are you ready to go back?" I paused.

I took me a few moments to answer that last question. As I laid in the silence I felt the unraveling stop. To me the world around me was just a field white above and faint peaks of shadows below. It didn't feel to me like I still had a physical body. It didn't sound like I was speaking with my physical voice; yet somehow, when I answered this last time, I could hear myself crying, "No. I don't want to go back. I can't live that life without her."

I felt sudden and overwhelming anger coming from the "voice" but I couldn't actually hear it anymore. Then a faint buzzing that had been fluttering in the background grew into an echoing choir of voices speaking in unison, "This is it. Are you sure? This has to be. Go!!!" I felt my limbs begin to quickly retake form. It was as if my body was being threaded back together, cell by cell, but with such a sense of urgency and haste through which I could feel their worry.

Before I knew it, I felt that body was whole again, though all there was around me was the purest of darkness and I couldn't move myself. I could hear the "voice" again now, it was back with my internal thoughts. It said I was going to die now, that I would 'truly die.' I simply replied that all things that live must eventually die. After some unpleasantness and after a seemingly long time in the darkness I started to remember my life. As my past began to come back to me I knew that this was a process that was meant to take some time. Even so the first thought I had was my arrogant mind being worried that without me, the world of my children was gone. With that single thought in my mind I felt myself cry, with that tear I opened my eyes back upon the world. Seven days had passed for me in the 'real world' and I found myself lying in a hospital bed. Both my right leg and my left arm where in full casts. There was a nurse in the room with me who quickly came to my bedside to calm me down.

I spent eight weeks in hospitals as I went through rehab to try and learn to use my leg again. During that time I also needed to find the strength to fight Susan tooth and nail to get out of the hospital. Every time the staff talked of sending me home she would come up with an absurd reason it wouldn't work. Once it became clear my rehab facility wouldn't be able to keep me any longer she began to look into nursing homes I could then be sent to. It was difficult to navigate this time of my life properly, but I knew I needed to. I hoped my ex-wife would bring my children to visit, so I would know they where safe and they would know that I was, but she never did. This wasn't really unexpected of her, although I can't understand any parent keeping family apart in a situation such as that. I found out eventually that Susan had told her to keep the children away from me. It wasn't something that I was surprised to learn, though I was disheartened that their mother could be so easily manipulated by her; but that was her decision to make.

It wasn't until October that I could safely put weight on my leg without assistance, and even that was just for short distances. My hand hasn't recovered at all, even to this day. It isn't really surprising though; if you look at it they clearly set my fingers in the wrong place. I'm not really sure how you actually manage to rebuild a hand in this way, but I accept it as my hand and I manage as best I can. It does though at times still make me sad. I can't remember what it feels like to be able to close my left hand. I don't remember what it is like to not always have this pain in the background of my mind.

Around mid November was when I found out that while I was in the hospital back in June, Susan had told them I made threats to hurt her and my children. Up until that point she had repeatedly told me that I was delirious when I was brought into the hospital and had said it myself; I knew this was a lie, because I remembered every second up until they injected me to put me to sleep. I confronted her on the trip back home from my appointment. She pulled the car over and began to scream and yell. She started to slam her fist against the steering wheel. After a little while she began to cry uncontrollably and she ask me if she killed herself if it would protect my children. I ignored her question and told her to take me home. Shortly after that, one night, when I tried to get up I found that it felt as if I was in the darkness again. After a short while I finally woke up in my room, though feeling out of place. It reminded of something my ex-girlfriend used to say happened to her at times, it felt as though I woke up in the wrong world. I waited a little while to see if the feeling would fade, it didn't. So I decided to test a theory. I walked to the local deli, bought a pack of cigarettes and a soda. I walked back home, sat on my porch and called Susan. In my mind I had the intention of driving to see my ex-girlfriend, though I still didn't know where she lived. Even so, I made that my intention. When Susan answered I asked if I could borrow her car to do some food shopping. She was extremely hesitant but agreed to drive to the house.

She parked on the front lawn, right in front of me on the porch. The driveway would have made more sense but I ignored it. She opened the driver's door, but wouldn't exit the car. She asked where I was going; I told her to the food store; I honestly had no destination in mind and was just going to drive out of town. She paused, looked around, then looked back at me and told me I was lying to her. I told her she should just step out of the car and go inside the house, that's when I saw it again, "the fear of god" look washed over her face. She began to shake and twitch nervously. A few moments later she was screaming at the top of lungs as she started the car and drove off with the door still open, over the neighbor's lawn and down the street.

A few hours later three cop cars came to the house. They said Susan complained I assaulted her and threatening to kill her, again. I explained that first off it just didn't happen. Secondly she weighted about forty more pounds more than me, worked out much more than I did, plus didn't have a broken femur and a shattered left hand. The police strongly insisted that I go with them to the local hospital to explain what happened to a therapist. I said that would be fine. They then said that I wasn't under arrest, but I needed to be in handcuffs; that was a lie, but I agreed anyway.

After we passed the local hospital I asked where we were going, they said to the one forty minutes away, the same one that I happened to wake up in after the car accident they told me I had that warm July day. Once there one of the officers said that he remembered me from that accident. He asked me what I thought of all the damage and chaos I had caused. I said I didn't cause any damage as I wasn't in control of the car and that I've never seen so much as a picture of the accident. He then, in an instant, pulled out his android phone and showed me a slideshow of pictures of my car inside of a building. As I looked at picture after picture I remember thinking that all things considered it didn't look all that bad... for my car anyway. I'm actually surprised it couldn't be salvaged.

The woman in the waiting area said I had high blood pressure, so I would have to be seen in the emergency room before I could talk to the therapist. This didn't make any sense to me but I agreed. I sat in the emergency room for about five hours without being seen by anyone until finally I asked at the desk how much longer it would be, the young girl said that she didn't know. It was in this moment that I felt there were two paths forward I could take, the one I wouldn't normally take felt like the right one, so I chose that one. I told her that I was sorry, but I was done waiting and said goodbye. She yelled to me as I walked away that I wasn't allowed to leave; which was a lie. I yelled back that I came in voluntarily and was never placed under arrest or had any charges levied against me and that I was leaving.

I exited the emergency room and approached a set of double doors. As I got to them three security guards on the other side pushed them close, I then proceeded to push it open against them. Once they realized they couldn't hold the door against me they let it go and proceeded to grab me, I kept walking. In the end it took ten men to push me down into a hospital bed and strap me down; after which it took another five men to hold me down again after I broke through the strap on my right arm. I have to say, it was probably the most fun that I had actually had up to that point in this lifetime. That day ended with them injecting me with some unknown drug to put me to sleep; I spent the next three weeks in a mental hospital under observation.

I spent those three weeks lying in what they called a bed. I wouldn't have even let a dog sleep on it, but we don't treat the mentally ill all that well in this country, so it wasn't unexpected since I found myself in a place like this. I say I spent those three weeks in bed because apart from getting food and my mandatory pills, I never left my room. Susan tried to visit with me once or twice which I refused. I spent the next three weeks just lying there. I slowly began to realize that there were two main reasons I was there. The primary reason to me was to in a sense "detox" from my house. The whys aren't important to story so I'll leave it at that. The secondary reason as I see it was to meet someone. There are two people I met while in that place that struck me as important. I'm not going to begin to assume why I needed to know them; the why of it doesn't matter to me in the slightest. I just knew that it was a place I was needed, so I waited until I wasn't needed there anymore.

I saw Susan one time while I was there. The doctor who's care I was placed under insisted on a meeting before she would approve my release. I sensed a strange mixture or fear and grief when Susan first sat down. I let her speak, I let her say whatever she wanted, and then she said that I, "needed to grieve for [my ex-girlfriend]." I leaned forward in my chair, looked her in the eyes and didn't release my gaze as I replied to that. I told her never for one moment in my life would I ever need to grieve for her; because there will never be a single breath of my existence when I wouldn't feel her presence within the beating of my heart. I knew she wanted to look away, but couldn't bring herself to; I felt fear washing over her again. That was the last time I ever saw Susan. My ex-wife has since told me that she received a message from Susan saying she moved out of state. I think personally I would prefer it if she went as far as to leave the country; but deep down I don't really care, it's more for the comedic effect.

Since I came home from that tragedy of events it has been quiet around my home. I've always been what you would call a loner by nature, but even I underestimated just how little the people in my life actually cared. When I got home I responded to the only person who texted me in my three weeks locked up. She took me out to lunch for my birthday which happened to be that week. I've never been one to celebrate my own birthday, but it was nice to have someone doing something for me seeing as in a weird way it was my first birthday in my current lifetime. During that lunch she said that her brother didn't think it was good idea that she still spent time with me; it would be the last time I see her.

Half a year has passed since that lunch; no one has come to visit since. I have just one person who will, from time to time, send me a message; it's something at least. I have no car still since I'm broke, so I limp my way to the local market a few times a week to buy what food I need. I don't really mind too much though. I used to walk almost every day, so it's really distance I would have traveled anyway. It upsets me that I can't go to see my children. I've asked their mother to bring them by my house to visit, her exact words were, "I'm not sure where you think I should have to drive them out there to see you." She lives thirty minutes away and I haven't seen them in a year; not passing judgment, but I'm sad to see the person she has become.

That's pretty much the past year of my life. I had started to write another book this time last year, but I put that one to the side after the accident. I've never lacked for a story in my mind; I've spent many years just sitting and writing. I know that I will eventually get back to it; if for no other reason than I would honestly feel guilty if I died again and all the worlds that exist in my mind just become lost dreams. My thoughts deserve more than that. I honestly don't even care if no one ever reads a word I write. I just really believe they deserve to be a piece of recorded history.

Before I end this book I want to say just one thing more:

I firmly believe that if any soul has a true need to, that it has a chance to reshape existence. I also know that if I wanted it, I could go back and live my life again giving myself the chance to "fix my mistakes." At the same time, I do not believe a single action I've taken needs to be corrected. It has been an exhaustingly long road to be able to say this, I love the person I am. I will never risk changing a single moment of my life or that of my children for any reason. It is the most selfish thing I think any person could say. As such I do see myself as the most selfish person that could ever exist; because I know that if it is ever left up to me, no matter the cost, I wouldn't change a single moment of this worlds story. I think we as a people have made many mistakes. Honestly, I'm not sure if we can ever change our ways fast enough to save ourselves; but I think that even if we can't, then as sad as that might be, it's alright. I would rather be known as a race that fought to accept our flaws, that learned how to grow and struggled to become better; then as one that just spent the whole of their existence constantly looking backwards, trying to undo the lives they lived.

If you liked this book

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Echoes for the Fallen

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The Void of Sorrow and Hope

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Thank You
Kaylee [Within Infinite Black Edit]

I saw him standing by the door

Seemingly unable to move into the house any further than he already had

As if frozen in time as his eyes took in all that I was

I didn't yet know who he was

But I knew he was someone special

Somebody important to my mother

My mother said something to me

But I couldn't hear her words

Her voice in that moment was little more than static to my ears

The two of us were watching one another

As if we were waiting for something

Some hidden queue to tell us what to do next

I can tell that he wants to come over to me

But I can also tell that like me he is uncertain

For him, I would learn many years later

Those were moments spent trying to steady himself

He didn't want me to see him cry

For fear that I would misunderstand their meaning

And looking back upon it now, I believe I would have

When I remember those moments each second feels like an eternity

Eventually my mother took my hand in hers and walked me across the room

As I was walking my eyes stayed locked on his

I still didn't know who he was

Why he was in our home

Why I was meeting him

He knelt down as I got near

He went to speak to me

And in that moment I heard him

I could hear his words before they were able to be spoken

As he was still preparing them in his mind

I heard him as he tried to decide how to introduce himself

And I lunged forward as I jumped into his arms

He didn't expect that sudden of an action from me

And I felt him begin to worry that he might not be ready to support me

And so as my arms reached around his neck

I locked them together as tightly as I could

My intention, to create of seal that no force could break

I wasn't going to allow anything to take me away from him in this moment

In our first moment together

I felt his body shift as I embraced him

Then, as he began to stand, he held me tighter

I felt him begin to worry that he might be holding me too tightly

And so I held him even tighter as I pulled my body against his

So he would know there was nothing else I wanted

Other than to be held in his arms

I wasn't sure how long it had been since I first jumped into his arms

But as I began to focus more on the sound of his heart beating against my ear

I realized that I had closed my eyes in the moment when I jumped in his arms

Still, it felt as though I could see him the entire time

As I opened my eyes I found I was only able to see the collar of his shirt

I could feel that his eyes where looking down at me

I could feel my pulse throb as the blood struggled to pass by my clasped hands

I decided that I wanted to look up at him, so I started loosening my grip

And as I started my motions I could hear him again, hear his thoughts

And I knew that once his eyes met mine again he was going to cry

He was going to cry because of all he had already missed in my life

He was going to cry because of everything he still might never know

He was going to cry because in the moment when we looked into each other's eyes...

... Because he learned in a single moment what is meant to take a lifetime

And in that instant I knew that if my eyes met his again that I would cry...

... And that to shed tears born of our love for each other was all that I wanted
