

FOR UNDULY CURBED KINDLE ELECTRONIC MONOGRAPHERS; a Literary Liturgy

By

Edward Drobinski

Copyright © 2016 by Edward M. Drobinski. All rights reserved.

This e-book is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This e-book may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each person. If you're reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

Contents

Foreword

The opening paragraph to my first "Foreword" which survived two edits said the following, "Anyone not engaged in the writing of indie books will have absolutely no interest whatsoever in this book. In fact, those only interested in reading would likely not want to be aware of some of this. Some might even be offended. In my brief experience in the world of books, I have seen that most aspiring indie writers do not want to hear this either. I am not one sufficiently presumptuous to tell anyone else what to do with their life. However, I find it a compelling urge to inform swimmers of the depth of the pool and where the sharks are hiding BEFORE they take the dive."

It was during the third edit when I realized that I had unintentionally made a broader statement. The indie writer's difficulties in the corrupted world of publishing; with its scams, poor information, use of free or below-minimum-wage labor, monopolies, censorship, duplicity, the manner in which it has successfully encouraged those at the lower end of the pay scale to fight each other, and its obscene way of channeling 99% of the revenue to 1% of the workers is emblematic of USA 2016. While the specifics of the publishing industry is likely of no interest to anyone not a part of it, some may be able to look at it and say; "Yeah, that's the same kind of crap they're doing to me at the bank," or the factory or the store. I grew up during the 50's, 60's and 70's, and if someone had told me then what it would be like now, I'd have dismissed them, perhaps utilizing a rude word. I'm a believer in capitalism; no communist sympathies here. I guess that what I'm complaining about is the quiet establishment of a monarchy in the US.

This short book attempts two things. The first is to be dryly humorous; and the second is to be informative. "Factoids" which are stated are not footnoted as they do not come from any one source and are not direct quotes. As the book publishing industry is one inundated with secrets and bad information the "factoids" are the result of 18 months of personal investigation and experience with various people, websites and business magazines. Therefore, since I've used a conglomeration of sources; when I say $500, the actual correct number, if ascertainable, may well be $700. Most sources have slightly divergent estimates of this highly secretive industry. In their contexts, I don't believe that the possible differences are significant in the least.

At this point, I'd like to assure those who have made their own investigations that I have no intention of offering you any fee-based services to help you sell your book, have no interest in doing so, and never will. My personal belief is that with the possible exception of formatting help, that none of the book service providers are worth your money or time. Further, I am as lame-o with a computer as anyone can be, and if I can figure out the few things necessary to format a book properly, anyone can.

So, you astutely ask, why did I write this book? The honest reply is that I didn't intend to. It just worked out that this book is a relatively small part of a larger book which will be a total of somewhere between 800 and 900 pages, and fits a tangent to the plotline for one of the characters. This book is available on AmawayOnSteroids; and will be available for free one or two days every month; corresponding with the five maximum allowable free days per quarter allowed under AmawayOnSteroids policy.

God, I hope the rest of the book is funnier than this opening.

Last disclosure. Dammit. I would like to see even David Foster Wallace try to find something funny in this kind of crap. Some have heard a few of the things contained in this book and have found them discouraging. I don't think that they should be taken that way and that is far from my intent. Writing can be a wonderful, fun and occasionally lucrative pursuit. However, unless you have an established, calculable fan base, it ranks next to Bronx gold mining as the worst way to come up with the necessary rent money. At book end, I offer some positive ideas you can implement at no cost, which you probably have not read elsewhere, which might help book sales.

I'm a retired commercial banker, having worked in NYC, and I started writing fiction about five years ago as a hobby. I've written 20 fictional books and have personally spent some time on AmawayOnSteroids top 20 and top 100 selling author's lists. Actually very little time is a bit more accurate; though it is a disservice to one's self to admit such things in an industry rife with bragging liars people choose to believe. These AOS best seller lists are updated hourly and if you want to know the truth, I didn't spend enough time near the top to make the mortgage payment in my best month; though four of them were twice in the top 25.

So, if any of you know how to get books sold and are willing to tell me how free of charge I'd love to hear about it. Please understand. I don't care about the money, but I'm married and ........ well, you know how that tune goes. So please, please; you can write stuff in the "discussions" section on any the book's or my personal AOS page. ............. Ah, never mind. If you knew how to do that you could get a job at The Hachette Group, replete with a mid-six figure salary and the right to make your own hours.

Legal notice; make note. The characters depicted in this book are entirely fictitious. Any resemblance to a real person; alive, dead, or somewhere in between, is entirely coincidental and is likely the result of that person's personal over-estimation of themselves. Likewise; any resemblance to a real institution; alive, dead or somewhere in between, is entirely coincidental and is likely the result of that institution's over-estimation of its own value coupled with that institution's knack in obtaining free labor and advertising.

A Monty Python "nudge, nudge" to the dear reader.

Finally, you should be aware that while in the writer's opinion they are not totally irrelevant, the first thirteen chapters of this book have been occasionally characterized by the "overly fastidious, yet kind-hearted, contingent" as "rambling" or some other derivation of that term; while the few members of the "vulgar, mean-spirited contingent" have, I believe incorrectly, used terms like confused, incoherent, digressive, and even shaggy. For those of you with time limitations, I direct you to Chapters 14, 15 and 16; which in 15-20 pages tell you all of the potentially useful things I know about selling books and the current market conditions for books in January, 2016. Chapter 16 devoted entirely to little known methods you can implement for free. ............ You may well know that the answers are always in the back of the book. But, this time you are not required to turn the book upside down to read them.

I hope you have a good time and get a few laughs from the book which never intended to be.

1- Congratulations

Let's go back to the very beginning. You laugh and cry as you sit alone and write a "meaningful" book. During the course of your endeavor, you have thought that you have something important and momentous to say. At some point you've completed the book for which the world patiently waited. Congratulations .......... on one count. The vast majority of would-be writers start a book and give up halfway in. The bulk of those become indie reviewers who display their honed abilities on book oriented, social web sites. With one exception, everyone I know has initiated a book. 98% of those have never finished one. So, rejoice, you who are capable of finishing, as you are already in the top two percent. While the actual writing of a book is a relatively easy endeavor, as the task is no longer burdened with any of the stylistic constraints imposed in the un-enlightened, archaic past, most still find it more important to go to their paying job, clean the house, mow the lawn, take the potentially choking web app out of the baby's mouth, and tend to a myriad of other distractions unfairly imposed on the merest of mortals. It makes little sense to the one who has been "blessed" with the ability to transcend the banal; unless thought of in the manner suggested by the dated Hollywood offering titled "The Matrix," ostensibly unaware of the fact that it had again snowed over-night. Have you not yet seen?

Pragmatically ignoring the noise epidemiologically rampant among the un-nessed of couths, thereby provides a pleasurable, ersatz escape from any annoying, distasteful, personal sense of responsibility. You have become an artist. You are at last free. The necessary muses and models come and go with the conjured rapidity of the most neutral of the most terrestrially based of hundred year shelled tortoises. For you, the artful vision serves as a satisfactory, pictorial compensation; on good days bearing the enigmatic title of many a dream of the "Johanna,"

Smaller, easily surmountable matters considered; at some point you no doubt have found that your fictional work has the potential of being incorrectly viewed as too self-revealing. What can one reasonably expect? Those with the "luxury" of a studied life have, with a tad of self-interest, attached particular significance to four lines of Shakespeare's sonnets, and have concluded that this is "proof" that he was gay. Willy ain't shakin'. Damned by your brain's ability to "accurately" recall that which may never have been more than two weeks prior, you maintain at the very least an illusion of some semblance of privacy, as you in seeming discordance, simultaneously notice the circle at the top of your open laptop staring at you. The dreaded revelation was a non-event for you, yet you now realize that as the numerous Luddites will apply the wisdom of power they have gathered during their pop psychology, "Harry Potter" gatherings. They will likely find your viewpoint conveniently faulted or will say that they do. They might even say that you didn't like your mother OR father. Your possible acquiescence to the instructed social conventions include the thought that you will be required to think to yourself; "Uh oh. The readers will conclude that I'm a deviant. I guess I am. .......... I guess I'm not. But, I am definitely not yet ready for public confession, no matter how couched. Besides, my mother might see the damn thing and then I'm going to have to answer a million cross referenced questions over the next month, and if one impromptu word doesn't seem to jibe with another ............." You get over the whole thing when you circuitously come to the pure logic of; "The un-creative commentators would do well to just fuck themselves somewhere out of my eye's viewing ability." You just felt like writing a book and getting wads of dough for it.

For the souls innocent of psychology's dictums, and for the exhibitionists who get off on Revelation, and for those who truly don't care, around the hundredth page the inconsequential characters in the story become difficult to keep straight; no sexual innuendo implied. In the context this would seem retarded to have to say, but for the possible benefit of 90% of the indie-reviewers-writers out there further clarification, sometimes referred to as pedanticism, is the infinite rule of the 2016 day. For we writers, at this point, our considerations center around things like; "Is this 'Andrew' in the next scene the fat mama's boy, his skinny misanthropic friend or some other minor character I invented back on page 20? What color did I say his hair was? Where did I say he lived? If it's the fat one it's with his mama, no doubt. But, where does she live? And what was her name? Details, details, details. Your "artistic" sensibilities are offended. You could care less and think that so should any reviewer with the equivalent of a GED or higher documentable attestation to their mental acumen. You consider it an immaterial pain in the writer's well-worn butt and a complete waste of time better spent in the whirlpool. But, hard logic removes your "coulda, woulda, shoulda" dalliance into the world of irrelevant fantasy, and you practically decide to "do it right," no matter the momentary inconvenience, as it is best not to be pecked to death by the kind of people who get off on doing things like pointing out the way in which the gearbox of the Batmobile was in drive one second, and without the benefit of a shifting was in neutral the next, (Believe it or not, I am not making that up.) before your "brilliance" has sold an easy few million copies and you can have an entire sauna installed in the house you'll occupy in Carmel, and sit in it anytime you want to; .......... the whirlpool, that is; simultaneously, extremely blasé about Clint to your right and Jane to your left. Practical graciousness seems to suggest that you give them an autographed copy. But, you consider all the "little" people condemned to exist in places like Duluth, who have funded your trip to jet-streamed paradise. You once dwelt amongst them and love them dearly. As a kind and tedious service to your sure-to-come supporters, you sigh and check back in order to get the "pertinent" details consistent. Noblesse oblige can be and too often is a necessary bitch.

You have seen that the illusion of perfection is imperative in the low to middle brow marketplace. It seems to be something well short of essential, perhaps even disdained as another "over studied" attestation to the author's poorly concealed feelings of inferiority, at the higher brow level. But, you know that the size of the latter group is roughly the equivalent of the population of Lichtenstein, and they have a large "free" library. David Foster Wallace did not live in Carmel, nor did he ever give up his day job.

It's not just a theory or some garbage on the net. You first-hand know all too well that many patrons of the arts get their kicks in life, as it were, by pointing out inconsistencies. You've learned that through many interminable weekend visits from your failed-artist-brother-in-law, who surprisingly could never find a girl-friend to occupy his "holiday" departures from his part-time janitorial gig. You have kindly commiserated with him about how much you like his un-salable oil paintings and how the market was stupid, devoid of taste and how it's all about "who you know." To do otherwise was to risk being branded a Philistine. You have reserved your inquiries about his high end taste in movies during which he had a penchant to obtain extreme pleasure when noting the existence of above ground telephone lines in a dinosaur movie. Admittedly, this contradiction is of more significance than Batman's gearbox thing, but I, for one, would prefer to have focussed on the inventive commentary on the post-modern ennui and the socio-economic issues contained in "Gertie the Dinosaur." Do you for one second think that William Randolph Hearst had Gertie pulled for nothing?

But, I was at a loss, as it would have been much too obvious to say that the significance of the physical phone lines were well within the intellectual grasp of maven cinephiles and that they had already indicated substantial agreement regarding the matter. It would have been rather insulting to my brother-in-law, an art student when not fishing in the privies, as he certainly must have known that. So, I refrained from commentary and laughed in the obligatory fashion called for; a convenient way of avoiding difficult subjects; such as substance. It's only business as boringly usual. Fun and games. Why are you so serious? The multi-hued, pastable balls are available cheap to the "craftspeople" shopping at the Hobby Vestibule chain. Besides, cats love to smack them around. There is some benefit in having had this kind of experience. These skills will come in quite handy when one mistakenly starts to converse with other sensitive indie authors incapable of selling squat. In the meantime try to forget that to find inconsistencies is kind of easy as they're all over the place. And do not ever; and I repeat ever, at the risk if infinite banishment from places you'd rather not be,; point out that the movie's director actually got paid a few hundred grand and you got bupkis.

Even on a prideful level, you don't want your genius to be dismissed on a technicality. As a consequence, what started out as fun became tedious. But, you persisted. Congratulations, again. You are an enterprising, hard-working American. Now you expect to become rich and famous and recognized as brilliant. It's not that you really care about the judgments of the rabble. But, you seek justification as your significant other has suffered through all your prior prognostications of greatness; and it is wearing thin. She has actually appeared to have been astounded by some of your phrasing, ideas and insights. She has maintained credibility by occasionally saying she doesn't like certain scenes. She has always been excellent at bottom-lining things and is waiting for the green to start rolling in. It's your own fault. Whenever money issues have surfaced, you have said; "Don't worry about it. Soon, your biggest problem will be counting it." Sometimes you wonder if you should read something more than her personal fandom into her periodic suggestion that you should abandon your literary pretensions and write something like "The Wire." Besides, street and cop shit sells a whole lot better than updates of Du Maupassant, and you'd rather not meet the aficionados of "The Clasp," anyway.

In watching YouTube you have seen not-too-bright authors interviewed on past TV shows, which you and five others have watched; the five being the author's mother, father, high school English teacher, his girlfriend, and sorry publisher. They babble on about how they do or do not gauge their audience, culminating in a diatribe which covers all bases. Tip: If Mark Leyner is one of the guests, turn off the sound until you see another face. If he is the only guest, try another show.

By "high-brow, literary" talk show standards Wallace was the exception in his directness, genius and almost complete disregard for saying the right, politically correct, banal thing. No doubt, it has become obvious to you that his interviewers, who have never written a notable book, if any at all, have been intent on showing how smart they are by posing questions in a Shakespearian soliloquistic fashion. Your ADD prevents you from remembering the ostensible gist of the long-winded statements they think they have disguised as questions. In your fantasy flight into the role of sought after celebrity you are tempted to interrupt or un-indictably deride through an un-accusable sarcasm. You find the whole thing stupid and distasteful, but have discovered that writers make more money from TV appearances than they do from their books. In a breath of fresh air you see that Charlie Rose is much more experienced and secure in his intelligence, thereby being less prone to open displays of combative essays.

You try to find out exactly how much money one gets for being a guest on "The Charlie Rose Show." While your book was a noir-ish potboiler about a hit man who didn't think he was doing anything particularly wrong, you anticipate making answers to the inevitable questions concerning your belief in God or the state of the educational system. It's essential not to be honest and say; "I don't know," as it your job to fill air time and you want to be invited back. Charlie doesn't want to do all of the talking. It's not his job. Your dictated goal is to talk unclearly and at length around the issues in an inoffensive, jocular manner; kind of suggesting a theoretical agnostic variation coupled with some personal experience in which you saw the stone rolling; or some less obvious derivation of that old theme. It is expected and only five people are paying any attention anyway. The rest are looking at your clothing and appearance, saying things like; "Jeez, I didn't think he'd be that old," "That hair style has been out of fashion for decades," "At that age he's lucky to have any at all," and "I wonder if he's gay. Most of them are you know."

In your mind you are consciously trying to hide your pride and exuberance at having written something the literary and financial equivalent of "The Catcher in the Rye." Those countless bleary-eyed and weary evenings have resulted in undeniable proof that you have outdone Shakespeare, Proust, Joyce, Hemingway, Mailer, Wallace, Franzen and Saunders. Fitzgerald is an overly simple joke. Greatest American writer? Yeah, right! However, your costume is to appear depressed, humble, fortunate and thankful. It is fashionable. It is safe. It is liked by the saddened readers with dour outlooks. The most hurt are the vast majority of the potential purchasers of your book.

Your media disdainful outlook is called into question when you get back home. You enjoy the predominant quiet relaxation, but are periodically given your wife's evaluation of your performance, coupled with un-answerable questions concerning your next gig and how much it will pay. You try to joke and say that your next "gig" will be a free book signing at the local public library and that as an artist, you are revolted at the crass commercialism. You call into question the marketability of your notions of humor as she stares, arms folded across her chest. She's heard this shit a million times before. You turn on your computer, to see that you have received an e-mail from Howard Ginsburg, a publicist who offers to make room for you on his lengthy list of successful clients. You write back saying that you are broke, but wouldn't mind using his services if he would extract his fees from your revenue. You consider it the depth of low class communication when you read his immediate response with all those words which were forbidden when you were thirteen.

Your artistic sensibilities have been violated. You cannot write one word. Reality has rudely introduced itself through a brain-dead megaphone. You desperately need to commiserate with others of your ilk. So, you deign to spend hours during which you could have been writing your next gem, to post whiny shit decorated with happy faces on Goofreads, the home of sad ass indie writers, indie reviewers and in excess of 100 actual readers who find more amusement in actual writers than they do in their books. Fantastic! Leo's on line right now and this time he's not talking about his husband who killed two people and split. Not bothering to reverse the stuff he had originally put on his profile, he's doing his justification bit about how it's great to be an indie with a market of eight people, seven of whom are authors with whom Leo swaps five star reviews. Trying so hard to be liked, I try to write him something in keeping with his constantly duplicitous state of mind, but can't resist the temptation of trying to somewhere in there bury some note of sarcasm. Ignoring whatever he previously wrote, I post; "As usual, Leo, you are so right. An indie knows that rather than 'submitting' a query letter and segments of your novel to unscrupulous agents and publishers, only to be later edited if accepted is the height of nonsense. An indie can write whatever is in their heart and mind and keep all the royalties. Well, not exactly all, but a fair proportion. Well, .......... Never mind for now. You'll think about that later. Your inquisitive convoluted mind wonders if 35% of $.99 will equate to thirty-four or thirty-five cents. Consult a third grade math book, if the penny matters. Okay, Leo. No matter. There will be so many sales you won't ever have to think about money. And then, when it goes movie ....... As an indie, you further justify your decision to self-publish by your ability to keep all the rights. You celebrate your power to remain un-sullied and un-censored. At least some tasteless, mercenary, crass agent or publisher won't get in on the largesse to soon come."

To my delight a message came through from the far reaches of the tundra. Leo gave me two D's and a whoo-hoo. Being new at computer abbreviated lingo I wasn't really sure whether his word approximations, format deviations, and hyphenated, Minnie Pearl aphorism sought to indicate an appreciation of my encouragement, a robotic reply to all, or if he was telling me to drop dead. I was presumptuous and assumed that the two exclamation points he put on the end meant something good. (I assure you that no sexual innuendo was intended.)

I just have to get away from this stream of consciousness excuse for poor writing and not write what next occurs to me. Reality's cousin, depression, introduces himself in an ironic fashion. He manages to enter and stay away at the same time. He must have been recently reading Franzen short stories.

Your gem has been available on AmawayOnSteroids a whole week and there is no largesse yet indicated. The New York Times reviewer has not called you to arrange a consultation in preparation for a Sunday book section front page piece. Charlie Rose's people have not contacted your people. It is a weird state of mind to not be offered the thing that you wanted to disdain and reject, pulling a JD Salinger. You recall your old friend's commentary about how something cannot be rejected if it was not first offered. You further recalled your response calling that sophistry based on an imperfect meaning of words, and of more significance a self-defeating philosophy by which one is obliged to get a lot of garbage, just to be credible when saying that they don't want it. Don't believe me. I don't care.

You note that after three weeks there have been five sales and three of them have been refunded. This is out and out ridiculous and insulting. It has to be a mistake or some sort of an indie-intolerant conspiracy. Your mother and sister do not even need the refund. Maybe there's some kind of message intended.

On a more significant level, this couldn't possibly be the fault of your masterpiece. It has to be the fault of AmawayOnSteroids. You go to their website, and sure enough, if you type in your name the book is shown as "for sale." You go to the "Community" section of your Ginder Direct Publishing (GDP) account and discover that indeed there is something wrong with AmawayOnSteroids.Com. Your fellow writers, the most successful of whom claimed to have sold 200 books in just one month, find serious deficiencies in virtually every aspect of AmawayOnSteroids.Com's operation. You vow to get into the details ........ someday. There are so many provided by indie authors experiencing zero sales. You think of suggesting that they rattle their mother's and sister's cages a bit, but reject that thought, as right now you are content to feel justified in your sabotaged endeavors, and the consequent absence from the New York Times top ten list, the lack of contact from their Sunday front page reviewer, Charlie Rose' people's snub, and your inability to possibly reject them all.

In down periods you re-read your own clever and funny, veiled insights and think; "Anyone can write this. I have enlightened myself only." Sad, sad, sad. You are afforded solace and warmly greet a re-entry of a belief in your astounding abilities when you re-read the greats and find their works less than a continuous orgasm. Five interspersed in a 600 page book is about as good as most get. You have topped that in 200 even after factoring in the inevitable fakes. You are temporarily sure of your textual acumen.

In your soothed runaway imagination you find that you are periodically answering a self-imposed question no one has yet asked, but you think certainly someday will. You flip-flop from black to white and spend futile time in accommodating gray. At one extreme you think; "I am an artist. The day these books become best sellers is the same day that I will admit that I am as trite as everyone else." At the other extreme you recall Joni's lines concerning artists in magnificent privation and clerics with obscene fob pieces. You recall your significant other's big green eyes. The well-behaved inmates worship the Good Book. The radicals worship the cause is meaningful in the moment, while more confusing in the analysis. ......... Or is it?

Some disparaging person who has never been there might call a person capable of writing the previous digression a naïve dolt; and that someone would be quite wrong; and probably has the brightest of responses to a possible retort; having had lots of practice. You have heard a lifetime of opinions and only argue judgments when there is a recognized appeals court and winner's prize. But, you also can't be swayed. You have no doubt that living a fantasy of a three year' duration was delicious, and you would be glad to do it again and again and again ...... It's kind of retarded to rush the fall into Nod.

While, under a barrage of Conservative indoctrination for the last thirty-five years of mainstream television, we have all become certain that we have now attained a meaningful education concerning financial likelihoods without the rude imposition of having had to have paid a supposedly degreed professor; with a disdainful beard; an account with the phony ID people; and a regular paycheck. Despite that advantage, you are of the firm opinion, that you will be the exception; and that all except you are wrong about that; as your writing ability is superior. You are wise in being shy to express your special nature. It breeds un-needed jealousies and attracts a slew of annoying Goofreads' trolls. But, in moments of clarity you are Salinger honest about it; at least with yourself. You think you are magnificently talented. You think you are more creative than the prime mover. You know that without you and a handful of other writers an entire industry would not exist. You know that if not for your unfair, sacrificial tribulations the entire population would have to read themselves to sleep, their noses buried in "Freedom." ....... Actually, that sounds very efficient as a used copy sells for less than what the man asks for OxyContin quarters and lasts a lot longer. You see the pile of bills near the dangerous microwave; at any moment ready to flash that much discussed and not fully understood 11:11 signal at you. You avert your eyes, but cannot help but peek, as you know that your next book will cure everything. You know you love to write. You know the one you'll do next will supersede anything ever done. It is practical. Without these beliefs you wouldn't be able to write a cook book. This is your curse. The cynical owners of everything just use your love and desperation to keep you impoverished while you slave away for them. You don't want to hear this, but they have the financial advantage of having heard this long ago. They play the heavy odds. ........ Look, I'm not saying don't write. I'm just saying don't count on a huge income from it.

Credentials. Credentials. They insist on credentials, because they are too insecure to say that they liked it without academe backup. (No sexual joke intended.) To be elaborated upon later. You think; "Damn the credentials. Look at the first few pages of the book. It's free." But, you know that this is the key word in all pursuits. We live in a society where no one dare venture their mere opinions. Sans "legitimate" excuse, being wrong is intolerable. People have ostensibly in seriousness told me that they have lived their entire lives, without having made a mistake; no sexual innuendo intended. Safety lies in Linus' blanket; be it a degree, union card or past calculable financial success; a tangible thing in which to rest one's faith; the oxymoron silent to the many. "I wasn't wrong. Anyone would have done the same thing." "Yes. I understand. Yes. I'd do the same thing. Yes. But ...................."

It would be another case of "tough shit," if it were not for the fact that we rookie, indie writers are the ones who get most screwed. It's absolutely insidious. AmawayOnSteroids.Com speaks to us of promotion and you personally believe that they are the best deal around, only because they require zero out of pocket. Yet, when you log onto AmawayOnSteroids.Com you are greeted by images of the same "best sellers." I swear to God. If I see that pasty white Geisha face one more time I'm going to pull a Pollack and piss right on the screen. Catch-22? You wonder why they can't feature yours sometimes. You think that it would certainly generate some more sales. If someone wants to purchase Patterson's or Rothfuss' books, they know where to find them, without constant "in your face" advertising, which may actually be counter-productive. What do they know? Their common stock sells at only 1000 times earnings after 22 years of un-fulfilled promises.

What do they know? Who cares? The only thought relevant to you is that you have become aware that the minute you decided to sell it, your work of art became one of eighty billion products available on AOS. Once you have settled into this frame of mind, you simultaneously realize that your only financial considerations are simple. Do you want them to use you? Or do you want to use them? There is one thing in your favor. The 2016 Goliath cannot see you. It has no eyes. It is just a series of interlocking algorithms which are blind to anything other than repeated patterns. Even if it could see; you are much too small to get its attention.

2- Me?

How much of Chapter 1 is about me? Absolutely none. I already told you that I'm a fiction writer. Pay some attention. I hide. I make up things. I lie. I sit by the keyboard all day. If I wrote about my dreary truth, the 33 physical book sales which have been reported to me, would have been zero.

On the other hand; the left; it seems obvious to me that even someone as obscure, maladjusted, and impoverished as an e-book writer or "Jude the Obscure" himself would have the ability to discern that the bulk of the previous thoughts were considered by me at various times. Otherwise, how could I have written them herein? How literally specific are we lyrical writers required to be? I mean really. In the interest of realism and its fictionalized sequel called "memoir-ism" is the writer obliged to tell the tedious truth of their existence? It's embarrassing and you don't get any money for it. Besides, on an artistic basis, just imagine the efficacy of this opening line. "Teddy, insistently batted his right front paw off my face for the four thousand, three hundred and eightieth time in his 12 year life. I was oh-so-surprised to be yet again awakened this morning by my black cat's requirement that, at the very first sign of what passes for light in winter, high desert New Mexico, to get up, freshen his water, and pour some more dry food on top of that which he had left yesterday, and the day before, and the day before, and the day before, and the ....... To be so insistent he must think that today there will be something new put in his dish, obliterating the pile-up of the past. It was a paw enabled, required ritual I still didn't understand, but based on his never ending routine, I figured that I must be missing something essential. Not knowing what exactly it might have been, that didn't bother me in the least. I didn't care. Really, I didn't. ........... Well, sometimes, in dull moments curiosity takes over and ......... I've heard that it can kill a cat; and Teddy is my best friend, especially when he kills and eats all the goddam bugs that get into this place in the summer. Imagine waking up because one of those crawly, fourteen-legged, little bastards found its seemingly blind way into your open, sleeping mouth. Believe me on this one; it can happen more than a few times. I don't know. For me, I prefer the paw whacks-to-the-head over the lingering distaste left after the spit-out or the swallow; no aspersions cast toward any of the proliferating, alleged members of the Sacred Cow Society. I pulled the blankets over my head to soften the blows and Teddy must know that he would again have to wait."

When I re-read the last half of the preceding paragraph, I found it to be far better than anything else I've yet written. For quite some time I've known that it was likely that the whole damn thing works out better when one does not try; but had never previously considered the possibility that the whole damn thing might work out best when one is trying to be totally inane. ...... My next excursion into the literary world will have a working title of; "Black Pussy Bats in the Morning."

Pardon the irrelevant, mental divergences into the sought-only-to-Swiftly-become-the-despised personal. Back on my butt in the material plane, I feel that I temporarily have a good situation, and I want it to be prolonged; a brilliant deduction worthy of Sherlock himself. Not in an effort to, but with the realization of the calculable likelihood that my next thought will confound most cracked-heads, I mumble; "There's a balance," envisioning some depiction of the "scales of justice" visually displayed and accompanied by an unseen clang of a hammer; once an intro into some 1950's, low budget, yet arrogant, black and white TV weekly and not certain if an SIC# is customarily appropriate.

Without the assistance of the greenhouse effect provided by the clouds, the cold night air has brought temperatures down to a level where I appreciate; dare I say love: the double blankets. They feel so good, I want to stay there forever. Eight hours into what is defined as AM, the shy and inhibited, pale sun again almost made its presence know in my eastern, double-paned and also side-to-side, floor to ceiling windows. Their less stately western counterparts are much later to be briefly enlightened by the slanted, faintly stained teapot circling the earth; or vice versa.

At this point, like a predictable AOS procedure, little black Teddy always starts howling right next to my good ear.

I'd like to accommodate my buddy's wishes. .......... But, not quite enough to fancy the experience of the cold. Holmes' brilliant deductions fade with his inability to access a spoonful; apparently he reticent to show the source of his pronouncements. ................... Another of my un-provable assertions? Or that of the speed freak with the quickness, and subsequently seen as the danceable cadence of a hip-hop star? Fat chance. They know. They know it wins. It's almost provable beyond any reasonable doubt by the math provided by those credentialed and thereby deferentially reliant on the regurgitations of the past.

To complicate matters, the majority of the "angelic" beings imprisoned on this earth, sincerely believe that they mean well and would yell at you, disparage you, isolate you, and consider you some sort of devil if you did not totally agree with them. They have even been reported to have punched on certain occasions. When in Rome and all that. In concurrence, I have been convinced to believe that they distrust you and me; as they maybe; for the sake of impact and popularity; correctly seeing that one must consistently appear to be on one side of one or the other. It is so financially logical, the basic subject of simplified, advanced degrees .......... Oh well; you can't please everyone. Deep caustic sigh.

Sadly, you thereby rightly, strongly suspect that it might be just another temporarily palatable over-simplification; a completely, self-serving, Machiavellian farce aimed at another cold theft of your heart. With difficulty, you have previously recovered from such thoughts imposing themselves in your head; but, with the inherent and attendant thoughts of the possible shut off to pain, lean toward the purchasable life-sustaining things, despite their having been successfully attacked for generations. On the most personal of levels, in humility, you know that you could never do it again. It is well discussed, clandestinely, in the Egyptian "Book of the Dead," original, un-expurgated edition.

The ideas or lack thereof are consistent with your imputed truth; required adaptations likely and reasonably made; you disabled and ignored, in your un-wanted, misunderstood utterances, trying to reach your brothers and sisters, and failing at that seemingly simple task. You've seen the loving truth of their un-hideable eyes, their wonderful and un-maskably sincere eyes, and have often wished that you might have continued to have been blessed with the same view; the remembrance of another time making it worse. So many of the creative ones selflessly seek to do well; something so good; tempered through no fault of theirs; insofar as they can or cannot, separate themselves from the limitations of the total mass retain; though regularly and ergo merely un-recognized as just another manifestation of the banal group dynamic.

This gets so theoretical while it doesn't. I recognize that if I have been successful in articulating it, I will be greeted with the conveniently short commentaries of those who say that everyone knows that; ostensibly themselves; all evidence to the contrary. I don't care. I am encouraged not to. I am satisfied as I know that Teddy and I are certain that we truly are hurt when we see the pain of others less able to cope. "Stop it, Teddy. I'll get up and feed and re-water you when I am compelled to take a piss; and not before. These blankets are so nice."

In light of; in keeping with; and in deference to the aforementioned, likely forgotten caveats I will tell you that I have an MBA in Finance and an appropriately titled BS in Accounting to back up my ability to calculate financial probabilities and 66 years of "living," perhaps "shared experiences," the more appropriate term ultimately dependent upon point of view, to back up my view of the human spirit. Any banal, well-anticipated disagreement is unwelcomed and will be disregarded without substantiated empirical evidence or the equivalent or better, accompanied by verifiable credentials posted in PDF format. Any book attachments are un-wanted, un-solicited and will be destroyed, along with their attendant un-diagnosed virus. Anyone using or actually infected with the unfortunate name of "Gertrude" would do best to leave the immediate environs and continue to write their GFR "meta" reviews of books they either didn't read or understand, while they inform their waiting public of their protracted views on most everything; especially their unfortunately imagined, problems with men. I suspect that there is something comedic in this; but I don't know what that might be.

In actuality, whatever that may be, the first month I put my twenty some odd books on AmawayOnSteroids I was elated to see 1,700 sales of e-books and unfortunately virtually no sales of paperbacks. I know that is not anything E.L. James would brag about, especially considering that it took 20 books to reach this lofty goal. I didn't expect this until month three. So, being a rookie, I found that surprising, but far from disturbing. I had four of the top twenty five in the Ginder store for a couple of hours!!! While in hindsight, I practically view that distinction as being the lettered equivalent of being the pitcher who threw the most consecutive strikes on a Monday afternoon during the month of June, 2006, in Double A baseball; I confess that at the time I was overwhelmed. After all the accolades advanced copies had received from numerous, sophisticated, literary mavens encountered while walking my dog, my breakthrough was not expected until a few more months had elapsed. Even my well-read wife of 45 years, who is not the least bit hesitant to tell me when she thinks I'm being stupid, really, really liked a few of them. Thank you Diane; your honesty is appreciated ........ the vast majority of the time.

I'd like to note here that at this point I had done no marketing whatsoever and had not yet joined Goofreads. I continued to not market at all, but later joined Goofreads which coincided with a plunge in sales.

However, as there has been a constant pattern in my life of getting fast starts before a quick fizzle out, I tried not to be overly optimistic. I was unsuccessful in that attempt and paid for it. There were 100 sales in the second month and three in the third, two of which have been refunded. Things did pick up. Over the ensuing eighteen months sales approximated that of the first month.

I have subsequently read that my experience has been uncommon in the e-book industry, but rather ordinary in traditional publishing. Somehow I must have gotten the roles again reversed. (Sexual innuendo accidental though not dismissed, this time without the attendant fun.) My seemingly adequate, hour long study of the archetypical patterns attendant to traditional publishing, informed me that in apparent desperation, readers regularly try a traditionally published new author. They somewhat like the first few pages and then become very disinterested in the remainder. At best, indie writers usually take six years to establish a fan base. Sorry. Thanks for trying it. What else can one ask?

I still do not know why an un-known indie got this quick start. I should again qualify that, as there were 20 books, rather than 1; and if you average the whole thing out ........... Maybe the buyers confused me with someone else. Or maybe, I have more fame than I know. Whatever. It seems devoid of importance herein and now, as it's gone. I just sometimes think of it as another of those odd events, much like my alien abduction. By the way, I have reason to believe that those "aliens" were really costumed CIA operatives who confused me with someone whose take on things mattered; the subject of another possible book.

So, where do we go from here you correctly inquire? I haven't got the slightest idea. Truly. I've read some about others' ideas of how to sell books and find them amusing or absurd to anyone who has taken Marketing 101. Personally, I will probably offer different ones for free at different times, but I recommend this to no one; nor do I recommend it to myself. I'd just like to say that I have learned that the free e-book giveaways have been a relatively recent marketing idea; the crux of that theory being the establishment of a known name; upon which to cash in later. Veteran writers were mixed of opinion at the outset. Some thought the theory sound and others said that buyers will become accustomed to getting free books and will come to expect that. It seems to me that the latter has proven to be the correct prediction; and, further; like most hindsight; it is the subject of futile speculation, as there is no longer an antidote. I, too have read some of Franzen's novels. It's been played, though what hasn't?

I believe one of my books to be particularly unique. It is about geriatric, bi-sexual aliens, whose genitals have decayed, and who in their search for a higher high, successfully experiment with shooting up the fecal matter of humans. As some degree of success is anecdotally expressed, full septic tanks become the prized currency, ruining an entire malodorous, earth-bound industry. Their (the aliens, not the reeking) overwhelming, advanced powers of media induced hypnosis encourage everyone on earth to gorge themselves, causing a worldwide food shortage. Experts debate whether or not something new and ominous has happened, primarily because the detractors accurately point out that there has always been a worldwide food shortage. Proponents stress the US famine, which has never previously been documented, as opposed to seen. Tangential considerations include studies of differing degrees of starvation in areas with public sewers, as opposed to those dependent upon septic tanks, as opposed to those using cisterns, as opposed to those whose residents just shove their asses out the window when required. On the required personal level, our hero and heroine become embroiled in life threatening situations, as a result of their dangerous knowledge of the truth, which they discovered while guarding the entrance to their own septic tank.

High-brow readers will easily distill the subtle symbolism regarding the addiction problems pertinent to our contemporary life, our blind acceptance of psychology as the new god, and the sucked grapefruit status of the US economy. If that strikes you as pretentious, I have a backup position. (Sexual innuendo possibly implied, dependent on the gender particulars.) It is unquestionably less objectionable than the "brand new" concepts contained in the "Fifty Shades of Gray" steamroller, which many jealous GFR indie reviewers have dismissed as "mommy porn," or the retro timidity disguised as the dour-hip-grayness of steampunk.

If I haven't said it already, I cannot say what kind of approaches will sell books. Won't you admit that to be at least somewhat refreshing? How many times in your entire life have you heard someone say; "I don't know." I admit that it doesn't sound particularly hopeful, but isn't it somewhat refreshing? Be careful what you say. They're listening and they are going to investigate.

I am often accused of being too downbeat, so before I proceed to discourage my compatriot writers I would like to stress a real upside in today's market. The best writers have gone to Hollywood for a regular paycheck. The competition is slim.

Having gotten that obligation completely out of the way, I will proceed to provide my perceptions of the growing author "assistance" industry; much of it disguised as well as a regurgitating Baldy Bozos.

3- Goofreads

Definitions are always useful. I'll open this chapter with a paraphrase of my favorite definition of Goofreads. "It is a social book cataloguing and reviewing site which enables the reader to become addicted to it; thereby decreasing the amount of time the reader has to spend doing their favorite thing; reading books."

The Goofreads internet module is commonly advertised as one which provides a "social" venue for the exchange of reader ideas. Friends. Enjoyment. Someone to speak with about that book no one else within 1,000 miles has read. Jokes. Ha, ha, ha. Someone finally understands and I can reach them with just a few clicks.

This can easily be viewed as a sarcastic statement. I assure you that it is not. It's one which brings tears. I'll volunteer. It doesn't matter anymore. Haven't there been times when we've felt so alone and that there was no one near who could possibly relate. The ideas and characters in the billions of books are a shorthand way of expressing feelings and saying things which can never be conveyed to a non-reader. Now, with GFR, one no longer requires a kindred spirit next door. The geography was no longer bound by physical realities; it reached to cyber-space. Finally.

So, what's so wrong about it? No doubt that sometime in megabyte antiquity this may have had some naïve, faith engendered, temporary "validity." From GFR's outset its founder has demonstrated an un-deniable aptitude to capitalize on the general public's show of weakness. Its subsequent acquisition by AOS multiplied that. Their corporate motto, openly displayed within boardrooms says; "Like me. Like me. I'm so nice. I give you precisely what you want. ............ Gotcha, sucker."

Having said that, it is fair to point out that GFR still has more participants, more discussion threads, a larger data base of books and authors, more book reviews, more categorized lists, a superior search engine, which through 20 or fewer stated preferences, is capable of matching readers with other books they would probably like, more free giveaways, more and better indie reviewers (term to be subsequently discussed), and it all rests upon the easiest to use platform in the industry. It is at least two hundred times larger than its closest competitor and infinitely superior in providing book and traditional author related information.

So, what's the problem dickhead? Sounds pretty fucking good to me.

Fair enough. Sounds pretty fucking good to me too, depending upon which hat I've chosen to wear today. To begin, today I am wearing my trustworthiness hat. I note that if one discounts the information also available on Wikipedia and the pages established by the indie writers, the rest of the information which is there is either inaccurate, useless or both. Within a caveat to be discussed later regarding various notions of censorship, this is the best single stop shop a reader has available, by far. ............ In this case, that's something like being the best of five students in the Special Education Division. I mean no disparagement to those kids, but concerning GFR let's get a little bit real. If this thing was any damn good, AOS, its profit deficient owner, would try to charge monthly fees for access. The only thing stopping them is that they know that any such action would result in their loss of 90% of their supposed number of subscribers.

If you might recall, this book is titled; "FOR UNDULY CURBED KINDLE ELECTRONIC MONOGRAPHERS; A LITERARY LITURGY;" which may be loosely translated as "for unknown indie e-book writers." Perhaps I should have added "only," but that might have connoted some sort of exclusivity. The site is less useful to writers and in fact, there is substantial testimony, including mine, that GFR is detrimental to them. If I were only a reader I might make some use of that which GFR freely offered. That is until I became more familiar with it and noticed that whenever I sought book recommendations, that I am recommended books which I already am well aware of from various best-seller lists and that the discussion threads, upon which I hoped to share thoughts with other readers, are 90% comprised of indie authors trying to get some attention and sell their middling-at-best books by being witty. Despite that I would personally remain there, though at a declining frequency, until I could find something better. If I were an indie reviewer I'd be careful of what I said, avoiding the possible retribution which might be induced as the result of my denigration of an indie book. The deletion of material and indie reviewer, for that matter, without warning, became a common occurrence right after the AOS acquisition. If I were a designated "librarian," term further discussed later, with no other claim to a life, I would be thrilled with the power I have over non-descript indie writers and reviewers, with un-disclosed and un-proven access to and the ability to alter, delete, or otherwise falsify the entire GFR database; and try not to think too much about the all the free labor I've given to Oat Willy and Bozos to acquire that. If I were a traditionally published author I'd just ignore the whole thing; just as, with a handful of exceptions, which may well be falsified, they do. If I were an indie author I'd like to believe the GFR claims about how I can freely market my book on their site, and attempt to do so until I realize that I can quadruple that income at Mickey D's, cooking up fries. If I were Oat Willy or Bozos I would occupy my time thinking about the most efficient way in which I could keep the puppets moving in a fashion which maximizes the market value of my holdings in AOS. If I were in the US Justice Department, I would be evaluating the merits of two filings made in July, 2015; alleging that AOS-GFR are monopolies, monopsonies, and that in addition to their actions which have resulted in a furtive strangle-hold on the US economy, they also tend toward demonstrable curtailment of the freedom of speech; simultaneously trying to calculate how my publicly stated position on the matter would affect my career and family in the current political environment. If I owned Hachette, I'd be practicing how to convincingly say; "Yes, sir."

You will note that these things are easy to predict and say; and you will further realize that many people are eclectic mixtures of the aforementioned types, complicating matters. Any attempt to define every possible category relegates the writer to a task which cannot be finished in a lifetime, even "aided" by the duplicative assistance of inaudibly droning processors. Imagine the possibilities. Mix 1-2-3. Mix 1-2. Mix 1-2-4. Mix 1-2-5. Mix 2-3-4. Mix 2-3-5. Mix 3-4. On and on. Probably not to infinity, but damn near.

But, there is an apparently invisible, and effective shroud which covers the simplicity. Everyone except Oat Willy and Bozos have degrees of dissatisfaction; yet rather than attempting to correct that through co-operative action, perhaps a boycott, aimed at the perpetrators, the aggrieved millions attempt to correct their situation by attacking each other, ostensibly blind to their common thread, while Oat Willy and Bozos find mirth in the Charles Ludlum-esque, farcical presentation.

On the most un-challenged of levels GFR boasts 40,000,000 members. Other sources say 20,000,000. In their 2015 voting for best book of the year there were 20 categories which allowed one person to cast twenty votes. Despite that, GFR reported a total of 3,007,748 votes cast. Draw your own conclusions. Out of a potential of either 400,000,000 or 800,000,000 votes cast, and keeping in mind that indie writers diligently vote for their own "brilliance" as well as their "friend" books, a big fat 3,007,748 were cast. That's .7519% of the smaller number and .3760% of the larger one. Damn, Gore got a bigger turnout in Dade even when the people knew that their votes weren't going to be counted. Could it be possible that the Wizard is adept in the use of smoke and mirrors?

One can freely enter this 2013-acquired-by-AmawayOnSteroids-subsidiary site and if armed with a valid e-mail address and password one can actually become a member in just a few seconds. Be warned. With all its faults it is also addicting. You will no longer have to worry about your annoying, real life friends, if any, or family, if any of them are still on speaking terms with you just showing up willy nilly. You can lock the door and experiment and play with "friends" whenever the urge strikes YOU. Total control. In complete safety, you can test how stupidly vicious you can be. Unless you attract the attention of a rabid GFR librarian, your only penalty will be the deletion of the comment deemed to be against GFR policy. Right here it should be noted that this GFR policy dissertation, as opposed to definition, begins with a statement of how they believe in free speech and ends with the statement that they retain the right to alter, delete or otherwise modify anything on their website whenever they deem it appropriate, without regard to reason or cause. A first time offender will most likely be the recipient of a standard e-mail warning about violating GFR policy; that you've been bad; and to not do it again. If this happens, do not take it lightly. For one thing, this will put you on the troll librarian secret shit list of members who have no defense against bullies, trolls, carpet bombers, or incompetent and jealous indie writers and reviewers. If you choose to put up with the harassment, with the third GFR warning e-mail you will be completely deleted, and some people die when going cold turkey.

In this environment, the most astute of GFR reviewers, many of whom were also early librarians who freely established the database, are now also the victims of harassment. Many were quite vocal over the things which happened in 2013, right after the AOS takeover and are apparently now expendable. Universally, they have logically ceased reviewing indie books, I believe because a warranted one or two star rating will get them another warning, and for some incalculable reason they want to remain part of GFR. Despite attestations to the contrary they must believe in a resurrection; and at least one of them is Jewish! They now reserve commentary and save any pent up viciousness for the classics. None of the writers have registered a complaint since their deaths and since the books have already been rated thousands of times anyway. A one or two star rating has negligible effect on the overall average, and AOS doesn't seem to worry over the possible loss of a sale.

In no circumstances say anything which, even out of context, might be construed as homophobic, race discriminatory or sexist. If you have some intolerant need to address these issues at all make certain you are current with the politically correct euphemism with which to refer to the disadvantaged minorities. You will note that there is an accepted genre title which uses one of these terms, Chick Lit, but take my word on this one. Don't use it. Say nice, nice things of everything and everybody and embellish them with loads of happy faces, even the indie books which find their most humorous attempts in protracted descriptions of household pets evolved into road kill or torture subjects for youthful-would-be-Satanists. Better yet, don't take any risk and say nothing at all. The site is chock full of book and writing information you may wish to read if like me, after having written a few books, you'd like to learn something about literature.

The real politik displayed here? Readers, writers, reviewers, and librarians know that they are extremely weird people and they want to keep that a secret. As noted elsewhere they do not even have a clue as to how "real" people communicate. They are afraid that other people call them derogatory names behind their backs and are more afraid that these names will be thrown in their faces publicly. So, in practice, their insistence upon their idea of fairness and politically correct terminology is just another example of self-serving behavior, clandestinely aimed at maintaining a barrier between them and the ones who would ridicule or even hate the useless and protected reader-writer-reviewers and call them the dreaded "S" word; "softcover twits."

Some might say that this is "skewer the reviewers," and as usual some may be right; much as "I suppose your guess is more or less as bad as mine."

I'm taking a risk right here, but in the interest of truth ............ Do not ever; and I mean do not ever post anything positive about Donald Trump. Don't even attempt sarcasm as US mid-westerners and off shore GFR participants either do not understand it or don't like it. Whatever. The possible punishments for registering a Donald approval exceed that of infanticide. No, no, no.

As anecdotal background information, a few un-commercial maximizing years prior, there was a Goofreads approved indie "author" who considered art to be theft. He, she or to-be-determined was an e-book writer with no market or literary ability; likely both. Yet he, she, or to-be-determined could converse with readers at will; perhaps a respite from being alone trying to write a decent book or being alone trying to find a decent one to copy. All right. It was one of my former GFR indie "friends" and I used to say that his, her, or yet-to-be-determined's efforts to ingratiate themselves was excellent, while I was careful not to mention anything about what I was currently doing. I'd just make up moronic things, like the story of a not-quite-so-young man who still lived with his parents. He'd write books for the lack of a real job and he'd get laid about three times per page, treating it in an over-baked blasé fashion. The rest of the book was basically about puss, piss, loose eyeballs and dead babies; you know, the stuff you used to find the height of hilarity sophomore year in high school. He'd show his stuff to the Moms in an attempt to gross her out, but she'd always be too Xanexed out to be upset or maybe even read; responding; "Very good," at each showing. Book 1 of the series ends when the Moms becomes a GFR indie reviewer. This worked for a while and then we had a bit of a blow-up about what is a truly long, boring story, centered around my "sarcastic" posts. It was then that I learned this person was a librarian-reviewer-ersatz writer with access to the entirety of the GFR database and some of AOS'. Just by "coincidence," at the same time 300+ of my four and five star righteously received reviews were deleted. Those with one or two stars remained and approximately twenty were added, containing identical reviews for seven different books, in the name of an obvious sock puppet. A sock puppet is basically a fictitious alter ego of some presumably "real" person, falsely created to make web posts, with which the "real" entity does not want to be associated. The term will be expanded upon later herein. Just by further "coincidence" I could no longer access GFR, which in retrospect was a blessing; an end to a harmful addiction.

All right, all right; some of you insist that I be totally serious; or lacking that, at least a little funny. I thought I was. Oh, well. In a very real way that seems to be an un-reasonable requirement in an absurd situation. It inevitably puts the masters in control. ........... You are askance and REQUIRE further documentation. Sorry, my well-loved scholars. My mortal deficiencies dictate a pragmatism. I don't have the time or the interest. I don't know and think that I don't care. But, it is for you to write your own book. ........ Anyway, I wrote some serious crap to "GFR Lack of Administration," and after a lengthy delay and two more e-mails was advised that the problem was not within their purview and referred me to no one in particular at AOS. I first said; "Fuck it. I know the bullshit game," but after a few days I didn't have anything else to do, so I e-mailed AOS. For those scientists out there who require the most severe form of clarity let me say; "After a lengthy delay and two more e-mails I was advised that the problem was not within their purview and referred me to no one in particular at GFR." Jeez, how can you help but laugh?

I thought that one of the primary, pre-AmawayOnSteroids purchase, purposes of GFR was to enable readers to exchange information and recommendations with other readers. Readers all too well know of the classics and best sellers, no matter how ridiculously calculated. Yet the programmed commercial orientation on the site today throws those books in front of users at every turn. Thanks so much. From the reader's point of view, if there is any useful purpose for the existence of GFR, it is to be able to tell other readers of the out-of-the-mainstream books they liked and be advised in a similar fashion. But, that's just naïve, pie-in-the-sky thinking on my part. When I gave GFR their required 20 books liked information, their stated requirement for suggestions generated by their super search engine, I got back the very well-known ones; most well ensconced on AOS "best seller" lists. Thanks again.

Perhaps in the same vein, I have found that when I have rated un-known indie books highly, that rating is often soon deleted. I suspect that this is either the result of ownership policy or the workings of their unpaid "librarians," most likely a combination of the two.

If it has not been previously stated, in return for providing free work to GFR-AOS, though it is of course not officially stated to be as such, de-facto; un-supervised, these officially designated "librarians" are granted the ability to edit, delete, add to, totally fabricate, copy, or change anything which exists on this marketing website. .......... Oh yeah. You can say what you want for a short time. But, if what you say is inconvenient, or if it is viewed as something with more US$ potential than the "librarian"-failed writers could ever achieve there will be changes made without your consent and you will never be told the name of the responsible party or their "sock puppet," or more likely "sock puppets." Initially, this may sound as outrageously nonsensical to you as it did me. However, I did just an hour's worth of internet research and found lots of company; thousands. This can be confirmed at sites called bookriot, goofreadsucks, jackiedaniki, zoedesh and especially the indie reviewers' most hated STGRB. STGRB stands for "Stop the GoofReads Bullies" and has a fairly comprehensive database of differing categories of GFR author abuse and cheating. Zoe Desh, a fictitious name intended to avoid AOS-GFR retribution, has written a book on this subject which can be downloaded free. It will go into some areas not covered here and will be even more damning. The other sites mentioned represent a potpourri of complaints about AOS-GFR, including how their automatic engines have been set to make it appear as if a new GFR member was requesting, through e-mails sent to every friend they had on social media, to join GFR. This resulted in many "GFR new members" being blocked from some areas as 'spammers," with a resultant loss of business. I realize that in this duplicitous time some of these people are making use of these sites to advertise their books, sort of an anti-advertising; some are just un-happy writer's with garbage books; and some want to defame a reviewer who didn't like their book. But, I do believe that many of them are just detailing true events, as many are the same stories I experienced.

One of the things I found most amusing were the occasional posts from the GFR founder and continuing head honcho under AOS ownership; Oat Willy. He always basically states that whatever the event, that this was some sort of accident which he and GFR are concerned about and are currently working on. I wonder if he got the idea for his form letter from a George Saunders short story. He mercifully disappears when the complainant says; "Bullshit, and I'll tell you why that's bullshit ......" It may be of further interest to know that while GFR was compiling its strange version of "2015 Best Of ... Awards," a here-and-there-rebellious GFR author-reviewer-librarian posted that this GFR founder again led the league in deletions. The margin was so wide that second place was the horse that tripped over the gate. I can't help it. It strikes me as odd that the CEO of a sizable, indirectly publicly held institution spends so much time in the deletion process. I know some unemployed people who can easily handle that job for much less pay.

You may have no interest whatsoever in this subjects. You might say; "Fuck GFR. Fuck AOS. Fuck the Deletion Maven. Fuck Bozos. Fuck Oat Willy. Fuck books. Fuck reviews. And most of all fuck writers."

I fucking agree. Believe it or not, I really don't need the money, books, reviews or aggravation from this shit. It's not that I'm anywhere near rich; but until the day they delete the Social Security program we've all paid so much into, me and my lady will be all right. From the outset it was termed a "non-tax deductible-purchase-of-insurance." For Christ's sake, if Nationwide told everyone "We're not paying any more claims because we don't know how to manage our money," there would be a revolution which would make the ousting of the Brits seem like a "Tea Party" demonstration.

These thoughts arise out of a hatred for charlatans. I have a fear that this AOS-GFR business plan, which is to find desperate suckers to work for no pay, has expanded well beyond books. AOS has already made acquisitions and announced startup operations in virtually every aspect of life people find necessary or entertaining. If somebody doesn't give them some shit over books, then the lines become more gray as they establish dominance in household services, clothing, food, package delivery, movies, computers and peripherals, etc., etc., etc.

I know that it in the US, it is currently the right of the owner to do whatever they wish with their "properties." I also used to know that it was the job of the Federal Government to monitor monopolistic activities whenever they became detrimental to the vast majority. Used to. I also know that when monopolies are permitted, those entities will invariably follow a course which in the short run will make them lucrative, and in the long run; the optimistic scenario; will make them as broke and irrelevant as the ones from whom they seek revenue; with their most important executive, the "Senior Vice President in Charge of Sucking Up to the Public Utility Commission." They can take their free choice although they always take the same one. "Ordinary People" and their elected leaders seem to have forgotten their birthright, existent long before a corporation was ever invented. Excuse me, I'm getting way off topic again.

Oddly, though I think that this is not done by the now mistreated originals, I think that the newer GFR unpaid "librarian" operatives, acting something like a 1940's garter belt, for the most part, make efforts to thwart anyone who they might see as being headed for something more "successful" than themselves. Bottom line; this is most everyone with a paying job. Bottom line; this may be partially due to AmawayOnSteroids' profit deficient need to make use of suckers willing to work for nothing; married to those same sucker's, untalented grabs for power; only able to show jealousies useless to the general public. Whichever, through having been made aware of these things on countless occasions AmawayOnSteroids has possibly been criminally negligent in allowing this to continue to be the case.

On the most pedestrian of legal considerations, that's their permitted "ownership" right in America, but it is also a violation of GFR's implied promise of working together to make the definitive literature site. If anyone at corporate level can see outside themselves just a foot, they'd have seen that it is also our legal right to be totally disgusted, and not be a part of their efficient, power grabbing, entrepreneurial efforts. They can easily themselves; or more likely through the use of desperate un-paid flunkies ignore, thwart, pervert, delete, massage, or out-and-out fabricate anything I try to write. My only "logical" choice is that which allows me the possibly illusory dream of a departure from the things they have poorly duplicated; as opposed to the depiction of things true and elemental. So, bye-bye GFR. You have no use for me and I have none for you. My dream is that some attorney sees this as potentially being the largest class action suit of all time.

Guess what? Ha ha ha. What a fucking surprise. They did not delete something I wrote. Somehow they managed to not allow its posting to begin with; and therefore didn't have to delete it.

In an effort to "comply" with their dictums, masquerading as technical glitches, I hope to say a final "Adieu." Just stay away. I'll gladly return the favor. As I and others have requested; delete our "author" pages in entirety. We don't want or need you. But, you won't. You choose to act like an adult bullied child, your learned behavior administered by your flunkies. Further dreams indicated. In its entirety this will appear somewhere out of the purview of GFR and their minions. Big deal, right? The big men at AOS and GFR worry about stuff like this.

I am fully aware that some of the things I have written in this document concerning AOS and GFR operations sound bizarre. They are; AOS and GFR that is. I assure you that I am no more insane than any other e-book writer and more balanced than a few I've encountered. The possible events which I describe actually happened to me. When they did I wondered myself if I wasn't seeing the little man who wasn't there or if these things just happen through computer errors of some sort. But, then when I started to investigate "problems with GFR" and similar phrases on the web I found that there were thousands of people saying exactly the same things. Though it is not the subject of this book, when I was banished from GFR, I was also unable to write anything on other websites, including newspapers and AmawayOnSteroids. A former friend was an excellent hacker and she advised me that something was done to the modem, which makes my Internet Service number recognizable to and banned from AOS "affiliate" and "co-operating" sites if not more. I can change this number, but doing so results in the strong possibility that my Internet Service Provider will cancel my internet service. I can access many things when I use someone else's internet service. Anyway, the whole process made me feel as if I was in Orwell's "1984," with some specific mechanics changed, with the overall theme of being rendered substantially mute, but not by the government per se; by a scumbag private company which is trying to get its hands into everything cheaply and letting their unpaid help do whatever they want while they and the government pretend to look the other way.

In fairness, there also have been numerous indie reviewers "trolled." One of the top rated GFR reviewers has detailed what she thinks happened to her. She primarily had suspicions about three entities; "one stupid enough to use his own name," supplemented by two others who made use of sock puppets. It dovetails nicely with my personal story. She also testifies that she was stalked by some nut.

I've read a few of her reviews and to me they seemed cogent and not un-necessarily derogatory. However, her average rating was 3.46; which is on the low side. I valued them more than others, as when a reviewer has an average rating of 4.3 or higher I respect their assessments as highly as I do that of a blind and rabid used car salesman. But, apparently this is exactly what AOS-GFR wants most.

This is a paraphrase, but she deftly characterized a troll as "an unhappy loser, whose greatest thrill in life is to anonymously post vile comments in the hope that they will make the recipient feel as poor and deficient as the troll actually is." I would only suggest the insertion of "or encourage others to post vile comments" after "comments." Perhaps these trolls would be chagrined to know that both she and I usually find them a source of amusement, unless they are also sufficiently computer savvy to affect the operation of our machines. .......... Yeah, I know that amusement can be viewed as something akin to laughing at a cripple; but it's not exactly that and I don't care in the least bit anyway. They started it.

Her experience actually sounded worse than mine in most respects; as at least one of the sad-ass trolls pursued her in a cyber fashion for months. Perhaps the same one screwed up her IP address; affecting her access to various websites; and one stalked her in person. At least I didn't have to see the cretin.

The entire situation is consistent with that of art imitating life; in this case very redundant, rude computer graffiti married to an insignificant little shit, thinking that they are a terrorist of world-wide infamy. That's a bit post-modern or post-industrial; but it works here. Recall Dylan's "Pawn in the Game," and try to picture a deluded, mean, pathetic one.

You see; it's this simple. Just as in "real" life, in cyber space there are "terrorists" on both sides; each fitting the astute reviewer's idea of a troll. Their numbers continue to grow, as both sides argue with each other as to who is at fault. Concurrently, the powers that be wring their hands as they display their oh-so-pained-public faces. Christ, if Obama's lower lip gets any lower it will half kiss his neck. I've yet to see one capable of tears, but fully expect some further cosmetic advancement will soon provide the professionally restrained waterfall. Personally, I look forward to that day, as it will be funnier than Jack Nicholson's Hollywood portrayal of the Joker. In the meantime one would have to conclude one of two things; 1) That the powers that be are completely ineffectual; or 2) That the powers that be have analyzed the situation, and have incorrectly found it to be in their best interest.

So, everybody is "trolling" everybody else and complaining about it. I am certain that AOS and GFR have been the "winners" insofar as they can define the term, and we are providing them with free entertainment.

As previously alluded to, my personal experience was that I sold more books before having had the "help" of being a GFR participant. In fact half of my total 19 month sales came in that first month before we were acquainted.

Prior to having the GFR experience I could not have imagined this. Why should you believe me? I don't know. We're all now loaded with bad information. But, do yourself a favor and take a few minutes to do this. Google GFR complaints and see how many writers claim to have been hurt by GFR. Then try to find one who says that he was helped. The conclusion is obvious. Unless one is desperate to have an electronic "friend" there is no reason to bother with GFR.

4- Reviews and Reviewers

"If you can't do it, review it." That should adequately set the tone of this chapter. I know. I know. Many will say that I'm angry or hurt. I assure the reader that I am neither and will prove that. After I spend some time in the closed garage with the car engine running, I will never again poke fun at any reviewer. But, in the meantime ...............

Since this is a topic every writer will be hearing about to the closest approximation of boring infinity this world has yet noticed, allow me to define a few terms. Sometimes it is of benefit to be speaking of the same subject; or the most reasonable facsimile available.

Merriam-Webster cleverly defines a "reviewer" as "one who reviews."

Merriam-Webster indicates several possible definitions for "review," the first two with military applications. A few of the possibly applicable others include; 1) to examine or study again, 2) to give a critical evaluation of, (as of a book or play), and 3) renewed study of material previously studied.

In addition to the tiny witticisms which may be drawn from the definitions in the context of an indie reviewer, one might well note that there is no mention of credentials or required competence. This was probably obvious to anyone who has read more than three GFR reviews, but I personally take justification in the ease of access to this endeavor, as my personal experience was that, according to many reviewers, since I am a writer, that I have no right to review or question one of the self-appointed elite evaluators. It is their union's policy that they are the final word; excepting; "What a wonderful review" and similar nauseating comments from the rest of their coyote pack.

Unfortunately Merriam-Webster has not yet found it sufficiently compelling to offer a definition of an "indie reviewer." Since this is the bird to which indie writers will likely be irrationally drawn, the writer finds it necessary for the purposes of this book to offer a "working" definition, at least until over-ruled by a recognized authority; that apparently defined in practice as someone adequately savvy to establish a website on the world wide web. An "indie reviewer" is; "An unpaid or minimally paid person who uses the domain of books to demonstrate their personal brilliance and importance; which, very unfairly, had not been previously recognized. The results of the 'brilliance-establishing-goal' vary widely and the success rate is directly proportional to the number of indie writers who attain a position within the top 10 New York Times best seller list. The 'feeling-of-importance' goal has fared well primarily thanks to the novice indie writers begging 'requests' to review their book, apparently thinking that a positive review from 'Lovely Rita, Meter Maid' will impact their book sales in a positive fashion." There are a number of sub-categories, which will be further discussed as briefly as possible later in this book, including;

1) Bully indie reviewers.

2) Troll indie reviewers.

3) Carpet bombing indie reviewers.

4) Coyote pack indie reviewers.

5) Purchasable indie reviewers.

6) The most dangerous; Librarian indie reviewers, who have access to the entire GFR database and parts of AOS.

7) Last but not least, those who love books and like talking about them.

Perhaps this is the place for an anecdote or three. I swear to God, this is a conversation I read between two reader-reviewers on GFR;

One said that she was interested in writing a book, but was totally devoid of any idea as to how "real" people talk. She asked her friend for some insight.

Her friend responded that she didn't know either, and suggested that the questioner take a bus ride and eavesdrop on conversations.

It makes no difference to me, but an indie author seeking to make a living from writing would do best to realize that this distanced portion of humanity is a good example of the market they seek to enter.

GFR has a highly rated reviewer, supposedly a female of 24 years, who has a need to articulate her dislike of men every second paragraph; and who writes "reviews" which she must personally define as "Gertrude's long-ass musings on some 'meta' something or other which has nothing to do with the book in question." This is indeed a very bright thing to do, as it does not require the painstaking time it would have taken to read and possibly understand the book, and perhaps be diverted from thinking about one's self for a few moments. Gertie has followers who tell her how wonderful she is and how beautifully 'meta' a certain phrase she used was or is. Gertie rapturously bathes in the accolades offered and responds; "Oh, thank you so much. It took me three hours to come up with that." Unintended humor is often the best.

This is another example of the market an indie writer seeks to enter. Gertie and her followers are not alone. They are a prototype; a common GFR genre.

Another GFR reviewer pattern is demonstrated in a conglomeration of the "reviews" offered by five or more of the GFR indie reviewers at the top of the GFR-calculated heap. They regularly usurp what they are able to glean of the author's writing style and use that ten-minute-perception to write a "funny review" utilizing what they know of the author's style. A prospective reader of the book is not informed and seeks information elsewhere. Ostensibly the reviewer considers this approach witty, insightful, and/or amusing. This is likely a demonstration of an irrelevant reviewer's need to show that they are so smart, that they could have written the book much better; as they proceed to chronicle the fact that they could not have come within a light year of it. Yet, if an indie writer chooses to be irrationally hopeful of the financial remuneration to be provided in the indie reviewers' estimation of their book's market value, one is condemned to be consistent and persistent in the belief that good reviews from GFR"s most prominent reviewers make a difference. Don't waste time reading the artful presentation and just take a moment to click the "like" button which is used to further push up the indie reviewer's GFR calculated importance. If you have the stomach for it, take five minutes to tell the stars how great they are and somewhere in there beg them to review your book.

This is another example of the market an indie writer seeks to enter; that of more imitative, "free book" connoisseurs.

Retailers, yes. Your friends. People who want to sell your product. They survive the initial rational test of; "They will do better if I do better. It's mutual." Sorry to bust any bubbles still out there, but it is not the least bit mutual. If you believe that you also have to believe that there are no other considerations or parties relevant to the transaction. In reality your supposed retailing pal is not in the least monogamous. It has billions of relationships and seeks more, almost all of them more important to them than you and your low selling indie book.

What is a book retailer? It is an entity which exists only to maximize its profit and/or its market share. It currently utilizes books in an attempt to accomplish one or both goals; and tomorrow might utilize diapers, if that is deemed by their financial analysts to have more profit potential. Their considerations are simple. They do not discriminate and are never repulsed by an opportunity which might enhance their bottom line. To follow the particular scenario hypothesized in this paragraph; the latter item is merely another form of investment; this time inescapably viewable as something to shit in or on. The concept is financially speaking far from innovative. It's a very old, traditional story. It has survived merely because it works. A book retailer will publicly make pre-printed attestations to their care and interest in the advancement of literature. They pay a Vice president in charge of public relations to come up with the smiley platitude reading, while they privately calculate what return on investment they might achieve from any endeavor, including used diaper disposal.

Another definition should be re-mentioned here. "Sock puppets" are simply false identities, perhaps alter egos, which are established by indie reviewers, librarians, indie writers, monopolistic corporations, weirdos and most internet users alike. Regarding corporate use, which is really a tangential subject of this book, suffice to say that when you are at the supermarket in search of coffee, and you see thirty different brand names, your purchasing decision might be simplified with the knowledge that all of the coffee was grown and harvested by a shrinking number of currently five growers; all of them were packaged in the same factory; and that the factory and the various brand names are all owned by the same corporation.

So, to stay almost "on topic" herein the term "sock puppets" is limited to its GFR-AOS usage, though it is really no different from that which appears in every aspect of life. On GFR-AOS they are used to say things the "real" person does not want to risk being associated with, such as; providing phony high ratings and reviews for your "friend's" books; provide phony high ratings and reviews for your own books; provide phony low ratings for books written by someone you don't like; provide phony low ratings for books written by someone your indie reviewer union does not like; upset pompous assholes; or a fun place to just let it all hang out.

In an effort to not give a totally incorrect impression, I, and I'm sure all of we e-book writers want to sincerely thank the readers who have taken the trouble to multi star and say something nice about what we have offered. Before having had the experience, I thought I would be totally immune to the opinions of those who had never written anything; mere derivative indie reviewers. But after receiving initial reviews ranging from poor to middling, I found my thick skin was easily penetrable. While I previously found the time to daily write a page or two even if the roof had collapsed, I began to find the necessity of feeding the dog an adequate "reason" to not do the thing I most enjoy; no sexual innuendo intended, but I'm not sure of that. I was then blessed with a number of four and five star reviews and here I am back at the keyboard. God bless you kind angels. Lie to me if you must. I know I sincerely speak for all of us mavens of old fashioned text.

Having said that, I daub the moisture from my eyes and face the dry facts. We are told that good "reviews," or perhaps more precisely the number of stars afforded our works of virtuosity, with or without condescension to reviewer verbiage are important to our "success," whether measured in dollars or the interrelated glowing eyes of our spouses. Coming from a large family or having kept in contact with old friends seems integral to our "literary" reward. However, I am inclined to dash the hopes of desperate writers, by telling them what every reader already knows. Good reviews do not sell books. They only assist in their creation. How often have we heard; "Critical success, box office failure?" View the list of the greatest books, some selling well for the millennium. They are overwhelmingly rated under four stars; sometimes as low as three. Yet the zero cash selling, latest and eight millionth zombie story and the similarly monetarized, sixteen billionth "romance" novel replete with dark billionaire suitor and horny, avaricious, thoughtful young girl, have both received unanimous five star ratings. I'm tempted to let the obvious speak for itself, but in certain quarters I have been advised that it is the writer's job to tell the story; or as some insist, to "show" it. Bear with me. Here goes the pedanticism again. To say it simply, it has been calculated that reviews, whether measured in number or assessment have no relationship with book sales. Don't argue with me; Forbes, Fortune and Barron's said so.

Getting back to the distracting particulars of the review issue; after some sort of scandal involving flagrantly bogus reviews it was decided by AOS; that on their site as opposed to their subsidiary GFR site; reviews or ratings could only be given by what was intended to sound like "bona fide purchasers" of that particular book. Silly me. It actually means a "bona fide purchaser" of any product through AOS. It is also readily apparent that the downloading of an e-book on "free" day meets that criterion. At the risk of not having been clear, this means that if you have purchased one pair of slippers through AOS or have taken advantage of any AOS free book offering, you are allowed to write an infinite number of book reviews, or an infinite number of reviews of any product listed on AOS for that matter. This "improvement" was the result of laborious discussions between AOS and literary devotees; and serves as an example of the value of conversing with AOS.

So, fellow indie author, if you still have some kind of motivation which craves the benefit of positive reviews; and if the trusted portion of your freeloading circle of family and friends is insufficient to supply "nine five star reviews," one approach you might consider is to purchase the "honest" ratings and reviews (Wink. Wink. Five star.) available within five days, from five to five hundred bucks up front and, in the case of some larger enterprises, a bargain additional five bucks per for multi orders from an "honest" reviewing venture. Ostensibly, any such transactions are legally viewed as "arms-length." In a typical transaction, the first fifty goes to a "literary" corporation with the succubus website, whose only function after taking the order, is to visit the bank and to make the book available to its independent consultants-contractors, who each require another ten to copy some approximation of the back cover, indicate five stars where required (Hint; Sometimes they forget to do this and follow-up can be cumbersome, though simplified through additional purchases.) and post it on some part of the internet no one ever visits.

On an unlikely topic; one which will only possibly be encountered when dealing with a virgin indie reviewer; what recourse do you have if they give it one star and write; "I was shocked to have seen someone put their own name on a book devoid of any sentence construction knowledge, plot, adherence to literary protocols, or good taste," the possible requirement of a question mark not indicated by the techies at "Buk Revews by Danny Dee." Will they remove that comment if you give them another ten? Not at "Buk Revews by Danny Dee." I never found out how the "negotiating" aspects played out. I suspect that it might involve more substantial, further business for Danny, who also offers an editing service for $1,500. I know that it would have been personally prideful to daily observe that my book was liked by that community college student, majoring in auto body shop; and to know that I helped with their tuition. But, alas; something holds me back. That something might well be; "I wrote the fuckin' book and I'll be damned if I'm going to let some used scumbag make me pay them for the right to fuck it up."

"Review swaps" are openly available from other GFR writers. I'll do yours if you do mine is basically how it's supposed to go. You will learn that many of the swappers have a habit of reneging or writing the helpful and artistically succinct brilliance of; "A good read," or the McCarthy terse equivalent. I have no need to delineate the S.I. level of this mutual admiration society; as you already know or are not ever going to. Most offer PDF (Imagine what that acronym could possibly stand for.) copies of their book to you free of charge. Others want you to buy it for $4.99, putting a question and a financial calculation into the "reciprocity." What if yours is only $1.99? What if yours is an identical $4.99, but you're on 35% royalty? Etc., etc., etc., and etc. In 2016, most reviews of indie books arise from this source.

What if their book really stinks? What if yours does too? If this one does, you're out $.99, but at least you can keep your integrity. Integrity; an archaic notion? A revised definition? A word used as regularly as guttersnipe? I can't recall the conversation which led up to my use of the word thirty years ago, but I do recall my astute Guyanese associate responding; "Integrity? Integrity? You take a look around this room and tell me how much integrity you see." We worked for a bank. I was uncharacteristically quiet for a few minutes.

I have to admit, that when I access the review section, my heart soars when I see a new five starred compliment. I cherish that moment. It makes me feel worthy. It makes me feel as if I'm a competent artist. I throw away all pretenses to logic, as it makes me feel as if my efforts had touched someone's heart. I'm Orpheus. As I sing, I rise above the morning clouds, like an Icarus blessed with the most modern of Oriental bit-byte technology. Most importantly Eurydice beams and smiles.

The indie writer reality; 33 ratings; a 4.5 average; 32 purchased, swapped or familial; and there is that unknown other one. At that moment I understand everything that they've been writing and talking about. I am so elated and concurrently relaxed that my bowels moved for the first time in a week; and I continued on my path at an accelerated rate.

GFR review swapping is even more insidious than the previously mentioned indicated. It's a trap. As will be discussed later, the most successful indie writers unanimously suggest one and only one course to financial success. Write more books and make them good. Yet, when novices first approach the GFR website, they are persuaded that the reviews are the most important "marketing" factor. To put that in some degree of perspective, that is almost exclusively said by reviewers. "Everyone does it."

Yeah, and everyone's indie book income averages out to 500 bucks per annum. But, you'll be tempted as there is some safety in numbers, not realizing that you are observing the incorrect one. If you're wrong you will be wrong in the safety of substantial company. For some reason, that is preferable to being wrong alone. Maybe the answer lies somewhere within the un-stated, minority position which suggests that sociability is such over-rated bullshit. It would seem that wrong equals wrong equals wrong; but that's doesn't appear to be how things are popularly seen. On a less theoretical level, the worst bottom line risk is that through participation in GFR review swaps, blog posts, and registering "likes" to all the crap your "friends" post, your writing of books will cease as you get bogged down in the worthless, shit indie books in search of an ever expanding circle of "friends."

If that becomes your course, at some point you may glean what every reader has already gleaned. For traditionally published books the number of reviews ranges between 5% and 15% of total ratings; averaging 10%. Most people don't want to take the time to write out some long winded horseshit, but will take a moment to push the star button, establishing a rating. But, for indie books the ratio approximates a minimum of 80%, and is often in excess of that; clearly indicative of; "There is something unusual here."

GFR approved author, reviewer, librarian, and general jack-of-all-trades, Jimbo Morcrap and his partner's rendition of "The Twenty-third Vicious Call Girl; Cum Covered Cuckholds Number Two" has 45 ratings and 41 "honest" reviews with a 4.67 average, exceeding the average of all books on any top 100 of all-time listing. Sure, sure. The readers believe it. They believe that the "honest" reviews were provided by friends, family, purchased whores, swappers and other cuckholds.

Inept digressions aside, in re-iteration of all a writer needs to know about reviews is that "Forbes," "Fortune," and "Barron's" Magazines have printed articles which unequivocally state that there is absolutely no evidence substantiating any semblance of a directly proportional relationship between reviews and book sales; whether measured by number of reviews, average rating of reviews, average rating of reviewer or length of review. If any association is suggested, anecdotal testimony and logical inference seem to slightly lean in the direction of inversity, no sexual innuendo intended, subject to further empirical study. I have previously told you that I used to work in a bank.

There is one clear relationship. Sales of the author's current book are directly proportional to the sales of the author's prior one. In your case that number is more zero than Bret Easton Ellis has yet to imagine.

I would like to point out that these studies have been conducted by financial people with sharp pens, and even sharper bank accounts. They invest in anything which can make them a buck; to the extent that they have even have run regressions, current, lagging and future; of the average rainfall in Spithole, Kansas versus the Dow, NASDAQ, and OTC aggregate averages. Their conclusions have been that book sales are an irrational event, on which it is prudent to not bet the farm. As a safer investment they have chosen to strip and straddle the Dow whenever it rains in Spithole.

Having said that, based on our view of our behaviorally managed experience we have become trained to feel as if a book in naked and disdained, without a high nearby review. "Ooooh, no one loves me."

A completely un-documentable sixth sense suggests to me that while this sounds reasonable when speaking of indie reviewers, I would think that a review from a professional at The New York Times, New Yorker, Salon, Atlantic Monthly, et al would have a positive effect on sales. But, every legitimate site I could find which was not selling author services said that this is not the case. In fact, one specifically addressed my thoughts and said that big name reviewers have no effect on sales now, due to the proliferation of reviews and reviewers, and the average population's inability to assess quality issues; perhaps further manifestation of the truth of a Franzen proclaimed marginalization.

For you new indies, let me restate a few known facts about reviews you may not have heard or yet believe. It is generally said that "reviews are the life blood of a book." When one applies a bit of context and research it is determined that that precise phrase was coined by a reviewer whose name has gone somewhere with the wind. It's a cheap shot, but to cast even further aspersions on the veracity of that piece of one line brilliance, it should be noted that it was a GFR "quote of the day" for the month of February, 2016.

It is not only said, but it is invariably true that on GFR, great classics like "Moby Dick" have received hundreds of thousands of ratings and tens of thousands of reviews, resulting in an average rating of 3.7 or so. It is also true that newer books like "Sidney's Holiday with the Regurgitating Zombies" have something like 18 ratings, 18 reviews, with an overall average of 4.6. Hmmmmmm ........... Changing tastes? A rebellious youthful disdain for things their elders have found worthy? A skewing made possible by a statistically insignificant data base? An exquisitely sophisticated vantage point, even more precious and rare than devotees of "The Clasp?" A computer "glitch?" The snappy decayed facial puke cover on "Sidney's Holiday with the Regurgitating Zombies," replete with a smoky scenario of a reflecting pond reflecting the chunky dinner being hurled from a zombie's upper aperture? So ironically Kafka-esque to true mavens of the narrative arts. Sidney has been blessed with a large literate family who are still on speaking terms?

None of the above. Look, it's simple. Every seasoned reader knows that for at least the last ten years, internet based book reviews are purchasable for somewhere between $5 and $550. The plain truth behind the writer's numbers deficiency is that Nathan Indie doesn't have a credit card and he no longer has access to his checking account. He's spending his nights on his younger brother's linoleum kitchen floor in Newark. It is also accurate to say that neither he nor his great white one has demonstrated the least inclination to give a shit for quite some time. On the other hand, our boy Sid has chipped plastic up his cracked end, and if his credit line is increased he'll be able to ...... you know. There is much to be said for the beauty of passion.

If one is inclined to follow the free advice given by those internet "helpful" websites which can't sell their own books I would suggest getting 110 reviews at five bucks apiece rather than one for the whole shooting match. Why? Safety in numbers? No one reads them in either case? The point of the game is to buy low and sell high? I'm told that whenever the severely time constrained person purchases a washing machine, at the last moment they invariably check the number of reviews and the average rating, with no time for superfluous details. I'm guessing at this one as personally, I wouldn't spend the money at all. ................ Okay, okay. There was that one time with the nice lady whose puppy needed an operation and all of that.

In 2010, before the flood, it was estimated by a New York Times contributor that one third of the reviews placed on the internet are "fake," the term, perhaps as a matter of convenience, not clearly defined, and may be somewhat different than "purchased." Trust me just a little bit when I say that the New York Times has more readers than GFR; and they occasionally even pay money to obtain a book. The possible nuance would be very lengthy to explain in all its forms, and is also irrelevant to an indie writer. Suffice to say that the cat's been out of the bag for six years running. AOS-GFR thinks it can last forever and surreptitiously encourages it; while readers of the Times and their friends no longer pay any attention to the stars or the garbage written under them.

There are indie reviewers out there who will review books at "no charge," if they are provided with a re-salable hard copy. Some of them openly lust after ARC's, (Advance review copies) not covered herein other than to say that an ARC is re-salable, and if the book is a hit, could become quite valuable.

I have no doubt that that percentage of fake reviews has since gone in only one direction since 2010. Perhaps "skyward" is the appropriate word. "Off the charts" is another possibility. It makes age old sense; predators capitalizing on weaker prey.

AOS-GFR responded to indie writer complaints of "trolling" reviews by establishing directives after having deleted many reviews and warning a few reviewers. As a consequence the better reviewers avoid any possible trouble by avoiding indie books. This results in a disservice to everyone in that the vast preponderance of legitimate reviews are written about classics written by now dead writers; and as I previously inferred; Melville and his publicly domained associates do not seem the least inclined to complain or pay someone for a review. It would seem logical that his "Moby" and "Dick" reviews stem from non-monetary considerations.

If still interested, you might be interested in knowing that one source of the five star, five buck reviews is a website called Fivers. There are a number of book reviewers there who will provide you with one or more; the latter accomplished through those infernal 'sock puppets', "honest" reviews. The price is right, but this entails a bit of work, however, as you will have to write the "honest" reviews yourself and the nice people at Fivers will post that under one or more of their identities. Hint. If you are purchasing five reviews it is safer to write five different reviews, as some exceedingly cynical, suspicious person might find it strange to read the identical review from five different sources.

AOS is appalled with this system, and in that regard they very publicly sued Fivers, but it turned out to be of no avail as legally, Fivers is not responsible for nefarious activities carried out by people who post on their site. But, AOS continued their public display of a commitment to "honest reviewing" by recently suing the individual reviewers on Fivers. The website is not legally obliged to provide AOS with the real names or e-mail addresses of their clients, so, ostensibly the case will pick up some speed after the process server locates and serves Easter Ears, Book Harlot, Hideous Lock in Love, Charred Horror, Lady Cat Furballs, Irrepressible Snotcheese and The Fag Hag Time Traveler; the latter seeming particularly troublesome to serve. Apparently, the well paid AOS legal team was unable to anticipate the problems to be presented by culturally accomplished operators sporting witty noms de plume.

While it shouldn't matter in the financial least to an indie writer, it is quite clear that indie reviewers and indie writers have unfortunately become enemies; likely engineered by the well-paid calculators of the best interest of AOS-GFR. As a result of the 2013 AOS takeover of GFR various battles opened. One was "settled" through a solely AOS beneficial dictate that a reviewer was no longer allowed to "troll" an author, under the threat of banishment, with the rule that a reviewer can say whatever they'd like about a book, but cannot make any disparaging remarks about the author. Considering that the line between trolling an author and trolling their book is inevitably a David Foster Wallace type border, most porous; reviewers began avoiding indie books. If you have not been there, you would be most precocious to see that this was a perfectly logical reaction, as 90% of indie books fully merit commentaries which an overworked GFR reviewer-librarian might construe as warranted, but which are viewed as trolling by the soon-to-register-an-official-complaint indie incompetent. And come on fellow writers, let's admit it. Many of us are whining, complaining and flouncing crybabies. Having said that I could be rightfully malicious in characterizing the worst of the indie reviewers as pretentious indie writer derivatives, afraid or incapable of writing their own books; content to criticize others, thinking that it will fool someone other than themselves into thinking that they have some degree of talent. Rather than get into that whole tired debate, suffice to say that AOS and GFR are the only beneficiaries of the issue. They are as adept as a Buddhist Master who has not yet met a Sufi at resolving a complaint with a dictate which appears to be caring and re-active to a stated problem, which just happens to be of personal benefit.

With the vague, tending toward "say-only-nice-thing" rules, one cannot help but be reminded of the saying; "To gain absolute control make everything illegal, then selectively enforce the law."

In a wish to place the benefits elsewhere, I'd prefer to see a few indie reviewers break from their unionized structure and in some small way, publicly admit that some of their rank and file are stupidly way off the mark; but to date none will break away. "Free speech," they say. "Tell the baby that it is ugly and brainless," they clearly imply. All right. Suit yourself. And after having taken that "bold" public posture, in practice, go ahead and write the millionth review of the latest Rick Riordan offering. Troll the fuck out of it. For an instant you might think that you are better than Rick Riordan. If you do not suffer from a chromosomal over-abundance a second later you know that you are not. On a practical level, you have achieved safety. Rick will never read your review and neither will your cohorts who have become addicted to clicking the easily available "Like" button. Dig this fact, big shot. Rick does not give the slightest, nut eating of shits about you and neither do the clickers. What it is is what it is. The only ones who might give the slightest of dumps are the misinformed, hopeful indie writers. Recent, AOS induced, flare-ups may have made both sides think that they are the inhabitants of differing lifeboats as the Titanic finally goes under, creating one final suck.

The majority of the indie writers would love to hear from you; regardless of monetary value. The flouncing artists should understand that it is in their interest to shut the fuck up, write books and not go crying to Mama-AOS-GFR. I've got some news. They are not an indie writer's mama, nor anyone else's. They are a piece of cyber shit which knows how to use your worst instincts against you. That's all and that is a lot.

Getting back to indie reviewers; your following readers just might appreciate hearing of a book they hadn't already heard of a thousand times. I guess that many of the indie writers wish that if you think that their book is abysmal that you'd just say nothing. It's kind of hard to be laughed at in front of the whole class; at least until that class expands; both in number and opinions. But, the simple answer to those "sensitive" writers is that if they were afraid of criticism, they should not have put their garbage out there and in no case should go whining to AOS-GFR about; "The mean trolling reviewer unfairly made me cry." The flip side of that same coin is that indie reviewers should not consider themselves the "final word" and go crying to AOS-GFR when some writer says their review was bullying, trolling or asinine. No, writers should never argue the perceived merits of their own books, but should be allowed to comment on the reviews of others. Whether or not one agrees with this, it seems that to do otherwise results in a situation which is detrimental to both indie writers and indie reviewers, and which is cynically capitalized upon by the owners of AOS-GFR.

So, what operating suggestions do I have? I don't know anything beyond saying that for starters, we writers and reviewers ought to recognize that we are in the same little boat. We're either going to change direction and float or we're going to drown together. FACT. Our efforts have little or no relevance to AOS, GFR, Bozos or the ridiculously banal and rich, current front man, Oat Willy. But, who fucking cares where they're at? If we don't provide the "masters" with any revenue for a day they'll pull a scary bluff. They'll do that again on day two, making everyone afraid that they made the wrong choice. There will be intelligent, compelling defections; increasing in number through day 7. Though there is no court-compelling evidence as it lacks any precedent, I believe that if enough of us hold out, they will be monetarily forced to capitulate on the eighth day. Instead of us fighting with each other, they will fight with their own kind. Each banker and investor will seek to be the one who gets their money back before it becomes impossible when they all simultaneously pursue their best interest.

I have attempted to broach this subject with the best, most reasonable sounding indie reviewers. I have no intention of doing this again, as;

1) It's another old story they see as "new," ostensibly dazzled by the re-colored costume jewelry and clasps.

2) I really don't care and consider it a personal waste of time, as my wife and I do not need the income from AOS-GFR.

3) The indie reviewer's response was either;

A) None.

B) "Fuck you. You're telling me to shut the fuck up;" or

C) A lengthy listing of "trolling" events directed at them, which sound fairly inconsequential; exemplified by the ferocity of the month long daily receipt of a message which said; "Stupid."

4) The unionized groups of indie reviewers detest indie writers and have shown no inclination to break ranks in any way for any reason, and consider only each other. Pardon me if I'd rather not have to see or hear the circle jerks and circle finger jobs.

5) The whining group of indie writers has shown no inclination to stop crying "Mama," whenever their latest attempt at a public display of retardation is criticized by an indie reviewer.

6) This game has been going on sufficient time for AOS-GFR to have firmly established their well-entrenched position.

Despite Goliath having been rendered inoperable through a few slingshots, we remain on our levels. There is no immediate mass ascension. This was what was expected in the un-likelihood of "victory." So, there continues to be a confusion of another variety. I don't understand it, though when I rotate the spectral needle 180 degrees I think that I might; immediately tempered by the realization that any such thoughts may be the result of a bragging ego. If the indie reviewers are overly kind to the indie authors, just as with review swaps and purchased reviews, this will result in ridiculously high rating averages for indie books. This will be easily detected by buyers and they will come not to trust the system and this will be an incalculable negative factor regarding the purchase of indie books. Not the purchaser's fault. Understandable. Yet, if indie reviewers are truthful about indie books, 90% of the indie writers will complain in one format or another; the social, safe buyers will avoid the lowly rated, and Bozos or Oat Willy will imminently re-surface with a plan purporting to cure all officially defined and recognized ills, in the hope that none detect the replay of the failure played in the slickest of designer clothing; additional cooling for the dead.

Did you really think that the rulers have become that by merely being thrust there through an accident of birth? If yes, your first name has to begin with one which is limited to the use of only twenty-six letters.

Potentially, conveniently and idiotically seen as off topic by the complacent authorities; this half gesture toward an undetected obsequiousness disarms all those dependent upon their own desired miscalculations of their own blip significance. Shit works, bro. If it didn't work every fuckin' time it might be interesting. Bones, man. Later, back to the upper balcony.

Back up a bit. Okay. As a possible first step into this indie-indie love boat, allow me to volunteer something you will not believe. I don't give the slightest bit of a wet fart what you say, write, or ignore of my book; and that is not intended as a dismissive insult. I can address this on a number of levels. Relate to the one in which you're most comfortable; or don't relate at all. Doesn't really matter in the Euclidian or the "Exclusive" calculus.

One star my books in unison. I'd welcome it. To be on AmawayOnSteroids' list of lowest rated books insures notice. Thanks for the advertising, pals.

Angry? I think not. Hurt? Maybe as much as one can be hurt by something of no consequence. Amused? Definitely yes, as I tend to have a predilection for absurdism. On a serious note it seems eminently fair for a writer to occasionally review a reviewer. Despite what the indie reviewers might say publicly, no one has granted them the controlling, last word on the airwaves; other than AOS-GFR temporarily has, in return for their sucker free labor.

For the indie writer who just doesn't want to believe that there are small and ultimately irrelevant forces at play which serve to their detriment; for the indie writer who wants to believe that the book business is different from any other profit-seeking business; for the indie writer who thinks that this diatribe was written by someone indie reviewers panned; and for the indie writer who says, "why can't we just be friends?" I have two succinct responses.

The first is that I was not panned more than 10% of the time and even if I was, I would still be calling the situation as I see it. As previously stated, this popped up in the context of my writing another book which I consider much more interesting. Secondly, if you think I'm just an idiot; fine; you're far from the first. If you want to spend time trying to "market your book" on GFR or AOS, I could care less.

Just do yourself a favor, and try to dig yourself. Be my guest. Disregard everything I've written herein. The curse of ignorant hope springs almost as eternally as the traps set by those who seek to capitalize on the suckers. Beg the GFR indie reviewer to look at your book. Be thrilled when they agree to; simultaneously insisting upon one in re-salable costly paper or willing to take a PDF version with the electronic hint concerning their backlog in return for their "honest" review. Be further thrilled when you see the four or five starred paragraph which curiously could have been written by one who regurgitated the back cover. No, you don't want to think about that. You want to believe that your book was well received and that that is a prognostication of things to come; Hollywood, Oprah, the dinky little shit on some other show which pays a few grand; a seven thousand dollar advance for the next one. Your choice or your fantasy on that one.

Days go by with no sales. Doldrums. Questions. What you think likely flip-flops between; "Poor little me" and "What happened? The day I become a best seller is the day I'll have to admit that I am as banal as the rest" and with elaborations even you think are pathetic and don't want to hear. Then the sea parts when you see a message from a "friend" of the initial reviewer. She would absolutely "love" to honestly review your book if you would be kind enough to provide her with her insisted upon, re-salable paper copy.

Your heart soars like those unforgettable moments when you met your first love as you lay out the retail purchase price and shipping charges. You attempt to cast aside the periodic thoughts of what has to have been generated by the devil himself; as if the leader of the pack has found you sufficiently significant to warrant a personal visit. Nonetheless, you succeed in attributing to a scientific, "temporal" denial of randomness, your wish that this is the real thing; while the nagging visitor keeps displaying an image which on one level makes un-deniable the fact that you have given up your "status" as a writer, and have become an inept marketing assistant to the assistant, and a free public library without the benefit of public funding.

It had to have been the devil who made you do it; but without any notion of free choice evident you get back to the numbers and conclude that even if the original "top rated" reviewer had the unlikely influence required to induce five of her four thousand GFR followers, one thousand still living, and 78 of those still capable of communication followers to buy your book, it is worth ten bucks to you, after having wasted six hours and close to forty bucks on her and her partner sock puppet. You have heard the sweetly rendered melodies which you have found to be as seductive as a sad, ugly old Siren on a distant ledge. Go for it, aspiring one. I've got an acquired taste for humor.

Jingo, go bop.

5- Covers and Other Author Aiding Services

I found it interesting when I researched the "helpful" websites. There's a clear pattern to them. The savvy, bestselling, writer who has sold 300,000 books in the last six months has kindly taken the time to advise us about how we might do the same. It would be extremely rude to question his stated number, even in light of the knowledge that it took twenty years for David Foster Wallace and his heirs, to sell 150,000 copies of "Infinite Jest," rated as the thirty-eighth best book of all time. This helpful guy seems so sincere and so nice. Maybe with his "reasonably priced" advice, it is possible .......... At this point, no matter the degree of your "world wise" cynicism, you are already on a middle ground and willfully wanting to slide. Probably won't be noticed. Besides, though it is just too cruel and gauche as in "much-too-obviously-envious" to dare articulate negative thoughts. Your unspoken musings pound away; as did mine; as did they pounded for everyone. My sparkling book just needs a little push.

"Best seller," is not a well-defined term and has many meanings. Much more importantly, a movie possibility! Hollywood, with no nickel and dime budget. Then it's on to a CPA taking care of the numbers, a bungalow near Clint with an ocean view. Through your agents, plural intended, offers from Oprah; $30,000 for five minutes, expenses paid at the highest multi A rated stuff.

Back to reviews and the website. Just be extremely careful to not click on the "One click buys it" icon; the next screen asking for your credit card information at the very least until you get an idea of what 'it" is; or until you can use that plastic card which is in someone else's phony name which you recently purchased for ten bucks, which came along with the advice to use it quickly, utilizing someone else's IS number.

Okay, yeah, yeah, big success, so impressive. I'm an uninformed, shocked, awed, and oh so jealous. .................. Ignore Voltaire, Machiavelli, the Brontes, Dostoyevsky, Sartre, de Beauvoir, Camus, Wallace and let's stop near there with a respectful nod to the forgotten Woolf. Let's temporarily pretend to forget that in 2016, the standardly approved marketing advice is to appear to give something away free and thereby lure the desperate into a paying sphere, only to be recognized as such by the "experts" after their long studied achievement of more 20-20 hindsight. The optimists say; "Better late than never" and sit on the pile waiting for Godot, shortly willing to settle for Lefty.

At the end of your kindly benefactor's place in the blog established by the purveyors of book sales dwarfing all but a smattering of giants, be extremely careful not to click on the sensitive icon which accesses the reviewing service available from Mr. or Ms. Helpful, bestselling writer. Also, do your best to refrain from accidentally clicking on the four similarly sensitive icons interspersed at either page side, each of which access the "opportunity" to purchase Mr. or Ms. Helpful's-Best-Selling-Writer's e-book or soft cover version of their international best seller, presumably the one previously referenced as; "How to Lawfully Sell Texts of Dubious Value."

With the most delicate of imperceptible touches you accidentally learn that your request for their flat fee services include, but are not limited to editing, review, formatting, cover design, and publicity; as opposed to percentage based marketing services. Your intended proposal just might be acceptable to the busy hundred thousand sales a month writers, though they point out that their commitments to their, industry respected, $50 reviews have backlogged them through Thursday next. But, please just include a credit card number.

Further description and commentary elude.

It's sufficiently late in the season's most natural of years to find it expedient in shutting my windows; the big one in the kitchen first; energy charges the prime safely stated consideration; fresh air no longer a factor which qualifies. My senses jolt; just an inch or two, I think; currently devoid of a ruler; the precise degrees calculated, irrelevant in most ways. I try to think of her possible reactions only to see that no matter my statements, she considers me as limited. The misunderstandings and willful political calculations, initiated by those of Constantinian appointment ignored Lilith. Worse, in a confusion to me, I am expected to be so. My attempt at some sort of logic, strongly states, with a 90% degree of accuracy that whatever visions I now have will be rendered inconsequential tomorrow. These passing allusions are likely induced by a "corrected" male mindset which has been overtly and also inadvertently, psychologically been pre-disposed toward the dictums of another religion. Despite the "secret," purposely inadequately disguised as a series of cloaked repetitions of the ancient merits of the how-many-yaks-in-the-driveway, based eastern varieties, their current advantage is undeniably displayed in the racks lining every Wal-Muerte check-out line, now canon in yet another woefully more imperfect "religion," the headline on its current monthly glossy; "Sympathy for the Deviant."

When I look out the 66 year old window I see a huge yellow-green beast with massive legs; no doubt the result of a long journey. After one of those eternal seconds I finally realize that it, with its oft larger shadow, has produced an overwhelming spectacle, without any effort. The praying mantis has almost conclusively convinced me of the appearance that he has attached himself to the window screen in my TV room. Upon further inspection, he now appears to be extraordinarily honey blond with the sun behind him and as huge as the desperate indie writer debacle. He sits there looking down to the ground, presumably in search of the low flying, perhaps mistakenly hopping, and unaware little critters. Incomplete. Yes, incomplete. What could anyone reasonably expect? Take a gander at "How to be Alone."

While I have found no "Stairway to Heaven," while admitting that I have not spent the time to even google it, I think I have a fair idea of where the mines have been buried here on earth. Whoops. Ah, one leg is still good. No problem. There is no doubt that there has always been "help" best avoided and that the existence of the internet has enabled the "perpetrators of expensive uselessness" to extend their talons; replete with testimonials from names with smiley pictures of someone attached. One of them wrote; "I am a new author and I had no sales the first two months my books were on AmawayOnSteroids.Com. Then a friend told me about GlitteringShrouds.com. For a reasonable fee they designed a knockout cover for my book and sales skyrocketed to where I can support a family of seven with my monthly royalty check." The website contains at least five more such success stories and a link upon which you can click if you are compelled to read more.

Seduction. Hope. More likely, a well calculated appeal to desperation and laziness. I found the approach reminiscent of the passing of the Sunday basket; its long wicker stick wielded by the man with the openly judgmental eyes. The assistance of the lacquered old lady wearing the Kresge necklace to my left induced compliance, rather than my natural instinct toward a devilish defiance. I always coughed up. Hell; heaven was only an appropriate tithe away. Then, just as now.

I was enthused. No longer did I have to spend long hours attempting to make my books somewhat coherent, funny here and there and with some semblance of a stupid story; I found significance buried right on the surface, like a cockroach with a bar code. I now knew that with a spiffy $500 cover, the "entertainment" value of the words was an extraneous consideration. I could now write any kind of thing. A big selling book a week was possible. All I had to do was get the magical cover. Then I could support my wife, have seven babies and support them too. I desperately wanted to believe. An innocent faith is necessary in all meaningful endeavors. Besides, if things didn't work out, I'd have to get a real job.

I'm a lousy artist. Some unkind people say that I'm a lousy writer too, but up until now I didn't have to worry about anyone finding out. For an insignificant outlay and no work a super slick cover threatens to propel me into a world of professional criticism (I'm so sensitive.), pop psychological "insights" into my mental deficiencies (I desperately wanted to hide. I easily embarrass.), "witty" one line put downs from more erudite denizens of the e-book realm, ("i culdnt get into it at all.") and most perplexing; the unknown; the horrors and insults I had not yet imagined. All for a mere wad of a currency soon scheduled to collapse. Did I really want this? With heroic effort I uncoupled (Sexual innuendo uncertain.) my overriding power of feeling and pondered all of the confusing, complicated, crisscrossed, considerations, trying to mathematically measure the probabilities of happiness. For about a second. Surprise, surprise. You bet your hairy thingy that I wanted to suffer the slings of green arrows. (Sexual innuendo intended for some, casting no aspersions on the rights seeking, wrongly maligned.)

It should be noted that this statement was in no manner, shape or form the product of the obligation to exhibit political correctness and patronize certain orificially and rumpially oriented minority groups (No innuendo clarification required or risked in the socially advanced year of 2016.) To remain ethereal; "Oh, but the possibility of living my deepest fears; my sensitive psyche exposed, criticized, embarrassed, and ridiculed with erudition. The horror was only exceeded by the alternative prospect of spending eight hours per day making change at the over-priced, lack of convenience store." That's a bit of a lie. It's much more personally significant to know that this career is the one with the highest mortality rate and does not need the numbers taken from "natural causes," old age or cancer to have accomplished this top ranking.

I brought up GlitteringShrouds website and was greeted with a hurriedly moving "merry-go-round of 'best sellers.'" It sounded as if someone had resurrected Lionel Hampton's dexterous bouncing of the cushioned balls (NSII) on the Ed Sullivan Show. I unsuccessfully tried to make out (No preliminary innuendo intended.) the titles, and had to settle for glimpses of the sophisticated visuals speeding by. They fully stressed the importance and value of their service, (surprise, fucking surprise) which I know takes less than one hour of work. Their services may seem plausible to people who have lived in the world of appearance. I plead guilty. All non-blind humans do. But, I would like to know how a "spiffy" cover buried in the AmawayOnSteroids.Com database does me any good when not seen. I also wonder how Salinger, Wallace, Beckett and Mann sell so many books utilizing rather plain covers. Could it be possible that they MERELY write well? Not a chance. I don't think the sellers of literary services would be convinced, had they the talent of recognition.

$300 and up per overwhelming, touch-me-salivating cover. They inform me, as if it were brilliance emanating from Harvard or a right wing, government supported, "well-credentialed" think tank, that book buyers look at only three things; the front cover, the back cover and the table of contents. They point out that with proper marketing some retarded books have become best sellers and that without the benefits of professional help many great ones have died of green oxygen deficiency. I am initially chagrined that there is said to be no interest in my unique and illuminating content, but upon two seconds of further reflection, I take my customarily pragmatic view of what is, decide that it is stupid to try to fight it, and take solace in the implied commercial wisdom that the content does not matter in the least. Witness empty Campbell Soup cans.

On the most positive of sides; as much as money dictates the game; I can write any pitiful nonsense that comes to mind, as long as it is covered by a pretty front and rear. Seems to make logical sense in most avenues of pursuit.

Beautiful. Okay. I can deal with that. I've had a bit of practice. But, the "table of contents" factor throws me off. I had come to believe that the one page delineation of the number of chapters, with or without cryptic titles, was archaic. Authors I admire generally do not use them. ........... Hmmmm. The authors I admire are also not the best of sellers. Today, I want the long green more than I want the left handed praises of the intelligencia. But what can I do with a stupid table of contents? Put pretty pictures on it? I'll have to ask the maven attached to the website.

In a businesslike manner, I scrutinize GlitteringShrouds. However this time I must have entered the portal through another direction; maybe the sucker's entrance; maybe step two of the money extracting procedure. Cookies have made their presence felt. This time I am informed that front and back covers, sandwiching a table of contents is not the complete guaranty of fame and fortune. Formatting, editing (both small and large), ghostwriting, beta reading, advertising, buzz, radio and TV appearances (sic), book signings, press releases, reviews, and the dreaded content all play a role. I'm truly confused and have to step back some. .....................

Okay, I've thought it through. GlitteringShrouds has made it possible for me to make a fortune from a book which I do not have to bother writing, editing, covering, et al. If I just pay them somewhere in the vicinity of $20,000, they will produce a book with my name on it, and do all the things necessary to make me hundreds of thousands and famous. I have some consternation about the "famous" part, but ultimately conclude that GlitteringShrouds and I can work that little detail out in some amicable fashion. ................. My excitement knows no bounds. I visualize Carmel on the Pacific. The weather is wonderful year round; the sun never sets. It has to be the fabled return to Eden. My wife is finally happy as she appears nonchalant when she says a cheery; "Good morning" to Clint and Jennifer every day. Thank you so much, GlitteringShrouds.

Then this creepy little black thing crawls on its belly to me. It cannot speak, so it must be its telepathic advancement which allows me to hear its mathematically based observation. "It'll take a lot more than one 'hit' book to get to Carmel, Clint, Jennifer and a happy wife. I don't want to bust your bubble, but it will take at least ten."

I am crestfallen and again confused by the voice of reason, this time articulated by the slimy thing on the ground, unable to stand, only slither. I confidently say; "What do you know. You're just a little cockroach." He then adds; "Not to worry, Ace. I can fix things up. Small price. You won't even notice the increase in the monthly payment."

It doesn't take more than two seconds to get back to Carmel. I can easily out-think the thing someone relegated to ground level and come up with the obvious idea to have GlitteringShrouds do many books for me.

I am then constricted by the telepathic message from below; "If GlitteringShrouds could actually do this, they would do it for themselves, idiot! In return for that wisdom, get out your credit card ................."

Of more importance to the indie writer is that many GlitteringShrouds exist and more are on the way. As it has been determined that one can make more money by providing services to desperate indie writers than can be made from selling their books, a few things have happened, in this growth industry, one of the few in the present US.

Computer proficient opportunists have sought to be a not yet discredited provider of all services.

The "reputable" publishing houses have acquired the best, and largest of them, in one case one with the reputation of being either totally incompetent or a crook; but a profitable incompetent or crook. This was no doubt done in an effort to enhance their bottom line, while putting out fewer books every year, in the face of the AOS-GFR, temporarily discounting monopoly.

While a number of these author helping sites have been the subjects of legal allegations ranging from making a mess of the book to selling it in foreign countries; in fairness, I'd like to stress that most of these companies will actually do what they promise. You will note that if you carefully read, somewhere on their website they will specifically state that they make no promises regarding sales, and some even state in very teeny letters that almost all of their clients never make enough money from their book to cover the services provided.

But, I'd bet that your book will look pretty good sitting on your shelf. It just won't be on any other shelves.

As another aside, I'd like to relate the experience of one GFR author I knew a short time.

Somehow he found a site which called itself something like; "The Worst Book Covers Ever," and discovered that his first book was on it. He's subsequently done more, but at the time of discovery this was his only book.

What they must not have known was that the pen-named writer was an artist, who has had his paintings exhibited at the Saatchi in his London residence. I guess he felt like playing that day. He went through a series of people, each of whom said how terrible the cover was, offering their artistic opinions, a few in a very insulting manner. He finally got to a polite woman who said that she thought the artwork was good, but there are other services she could perform to help him sell more of his book.

If your inklings still suggest to you that the cover is essential, consider the advice given by my artist wife. "To attract attention, just put a photo of a naked woman smoking a cigar on it and it will get more attention than Agatha Christie." I would only update this the least bit to say that a naked guy smoking a cigar in 2016 will get the attention of a smaller, but significant, loyal and vocal market. There is no law requiring the book's content to have anything to do with the cover.

6- Vanity Publishers

You're one of the chosen ones. You've copyrighted your valuable material and are thrilled to receive a letter from a publisher. They seem to say that they have made a cursory viewing of your well-disguised iterative virtuosity at the Library of Congress. They want to see more and if it meets their exalted standards they are interested in publishing your very first effort. The words; "Holy fucking shit" resonate in your head. You full well knew that what you were writing was fantastic, but here is official proof from an "expert," in the field for more than a hundred years. Hell, it says so right in the embossed logo right on the buttery envelope.

Though not expected, it fits. The people condemned to have crossed your path have told you of your excellence as they eyed their wristwatches and recalled a pressing appointment. Your significant other has at times sung praises and at other times expressed her reservations, but you know that the latter was mostly a ploy to retain her credibility. That opening with the description of the two paintings was not in the least bit pretentious. Regardless; here was the real thing; a "professional" opinion attesting to what you wanted to believe. They say that they want to see a few chapters to determine if your effort meets their standards. For a moment you wonder why they require a copy from your records when they have already said that they have had a certain degree of access through what you have publicly filed. Many possibilities flash through your mind ranging from the reviewer's need to pursue the project in a seat more comfortable and quiet than the one publicly provided; to their practical requirement of your yet-to-be-stated interest in working with them; and about 33 other gradations in between.

You dismiss all of those immaterial considerations and find something greater to ponder. The letter has failed to mention how much money they plan to give you and there is a curious un-defined word in its center; "author partnership." You agonize before your remarkable intellect decides to do first things first. Which are the best chapters? You choose a few toward the end, but then question if they will be fully appreciated without the understanding of the subtle references to what had gone before. You decide that the risk of uninformed misinterpretation might jeopardize full appreciation of your intricate tour de force. Now professionally pursued you invoke your luxury. You also want to stop thinking about this commercial irrelevance and get back to writing; after all you've calculated your time to be worth somewhere in the vicinity of $20,000 an hour. You send them the first two chapters, fully assured that if they don't like them there will be voluminous offers to come.

In a week you are informed that the publisher has reviewed your book and it meets their standards. A contract is enclosed and you are only minimally concerned that they want you to pay them $15,000, permissible to be paid in installments, prior to the publication of your gem. You know that your royalties will vanquish this fee in a month. In return for taking your money and the rights to the work which has taken six months of your time they agree to provide assistance with cover design and editing. In addition they will make your book available in all markets and send out a press release to unspecified "interested" parties. They direct you to a website replete with testimonials from their satisfied authors, attesting to their approval of the publisher's services. In due diligence you visit the site, but rather than reveling in the expected accolades, you take names.

You try to match them with names that have been on a best seller list. No such luck. Hmmmmmm. So, even assuming that the testimonials are real, none have become the big success you deserve to be, even with $15,000 worth of their "professional" acumen. You'll be the first. ............ Your optimism is tested when that calculator in your head plugs itself into your butt, and you think; "How many times have I been the first to do anything? ............. Let's wait on this one."

Silliness aside; vanity publishers never call themselves that. It's just that everyone else does and most serious readers know their names, and over the years, have come to regard any author published by them as a reject. This view may have been altered somewhat in the current flood of self-published e-books.

Some have been around quite some time and you can expect them to do what they say they will. They will do their seasoned best to put your book in the best light possible and will inform you that hardly any of the books they've published make the author enough money to cover their fees. Their advantages over a website which makes similar claims is that it is reasonable to expect that you won't encounter a take-the-money-and-run-website-outfit and even that maybe physical copies of your book will be on some retailer's shelves.

It is also true that if you reject the $15,000 first request, you will get others for a lesser amount. This is partially informed speculation; but I believe I know how the "vanity" publishers got their name. There are a fair number of people to whom $15,000 is like a quarter to me. Some of them have used and continue to use these services in order to slip their implied brilliance somewhere into social conversations with "proof" in a physical product. Chances seem to suggest that some of these books just must have become best sellers and subsequently classics, but my limited research has not found any.

7- Content

Unwanted tears flow uncontrollably. You can't define why. It's kind of everything. You've written a book in hope of communicating with the one you are no longer allowed to touch and love. Your Pollyanna-ish hopes would be crushed if you discovered that she doesn't care in the least. The most hopeful dream you can conjure is that she once truly did. What happened? You desperately need to believe that it was real. You reach deep.

The depth is found to be quite fine. No matter her flip-flopping intent, you have seen that to think of her as a muse, even one "oh so meta," has "inspired" you to write books, and maybe get a lot of money for it.

The continual dead time is filled by the ancestral websites, which are avariciously and competitively data-filled in 2016. Whatever the site, they strongly suggest traits and paths which have no relevance to those dreamt in your innocent, early to mid-1960's adolescence. Just "facts," as suggested by Sergeant Friday. The source is a half century gone. The boredom and inaccuracy unequivocally stated on the internet, at a personally repudiated cost of $3.95 per month, give you an idea for a meaningful book.

You remember sophomore to senior year, reg-room Barbara. Her first generation, ahead of their time, pill fortified, micro-minis, showed her perfect, meaty white, crossed, kissable legs to whoever had the audacity to risk being caught looking on at 9AM, Monday through Friday. What a way to start the school day; so much to learn. She often gave the hint of a smile, though you have almost no idea of the source of her amusement. .............. Well, it's better when she says it.

She always was a fantasy and dream which was denied to the body and heart of one so nerdy, shy and unattractive. You thought your tough, cool mask fooled the others. In a few unsuccessful attempts to say it in a general, indirect, non-accusatory way your mother warned of the hierarchy of appearance. "Those born with good looks can get away with anything. The others cannot do anything right." She gently tried to prepare you to know that you were not one of the lucky ones. You pretended not to understand, out of an aversion to being seen as pathetic, or perhaps, simply because you didn't want to. The mirror does often lie, you insisted.

Or perhaps it was because of Lydia, a beautiful, dark, half black, half Latino girl. She too was your identical thirteen years and in the eighth grade, who, with her tasty ancestry, rescued you from a fraudulent foray into the world of the cool, and brought you into the real, when she said; "You look good. Don't act like no fag." You only wished that she didn't assume that a long term, black-white relationship could not be. It was 1962. The Communists were at our Southern door and they were packin' heavy duty shit. Lydia lied and told you that everything would be all right. No one had ever heard of Viet Nam, unless they subscribed to French newspapers.

Happy Days; Fonzie and all that. With as promising a start as one could reasonably request; you of the now sick and dying generation are a child of another time. With plenty of company you rebelled against all forms of popular thought, emboldened by a righteous stand against the repressive, but unaware of what liberalism would spawn. The girls at the protests were dynamic and easy to approach.

Eventually you are forced to say; "Fuck politics and ideologies." However, in the chosen absence of the one you truly love, the cruel passage of time has left horrendous, easily detectable scars. You still feel ugly, untalented, stupid, unwanted and pathetic and seek the warmth of blanketed sleep. To die is now the most desirable of erotic fantasies, and seems to be reserved for those more privileged. So, you laugh and cry as you sit alone and write that "meaningful" book.

Anxious to bask in the inevitable acclaim and maybe some well needed money, you put your electronic masterpiece on AmawayOnSteroids.Com for only $3.99 and wait. Two months later you are still waiting. You are perplexed and deign to do some research. You find that the story of this time has been told over and over and over again and that the only possible remaining readers want it in braille or have difficulty concentrating as they sit in the doctor's waiting room hoping to find out that their constant inability to remember where they put the keys is not a sign of early Alzheimer's. Distractedly, they stare at the pictures in "People Magazine," amazed at how young all the celebrities are. A contemporary, best-selling author derides "mere descents into nostalgia."

The young and middle-aged can't relate at all. Interracial relationships have been commonplace for decades. Capitalistic Western Europe spends half their budgets on transfer payments. Communist China manufactures half the goods consumed in the Western world, with double digit growth rates, which is attracting more capital. Vladimir Putin is the richest man on the planet. The bombs in Cuba which frightened your generation have now been replaced by the possibility of a terrorist carrying a nuclear bomb to the mainland. Abused and abandoned kids grow in numbers and degree of hatred. While the fossils may still recall the Jefferson Airplane singing; "Don't you want somebody to love?" the young-uns favor the Insane Clown Posse's numerous renditions of killing explosions, and necrophilia stimulated "eroticism" implying a "decadent" and played wish that the whole mess will imminently be blown up or cold fucked; supposedly; or at least as far as consistent low to mid-placement in the charts affords a living for the geriatric, bad-ass devotees of makeup. School shootings have become a weekly event, no longer worthy of being leading "news." Your generation worried about the few incidents when cops shot at demonstrators. On YouTube Patti Smith's beautiful rendition of "Cartwheels" gets 423 viewings while some rapper saying that; "I'm gonna take her in the toilet and see how much she likes it" gets 42 million pops. There is only one other line to the five minute "song."

"What's up, dude?" sez the crackhead, male prostitute teenager.

"Fuck do I know," sez you.

You begin to think that in order to sell books it might be wise to update your subject matter, but you don't want to do anything rash.

It's safe to say that we live in this moment. Seems a familiar phrase, etc., etc., etc. You don't say it. You hope the others will say it for you. You can still appear to be elliptical, arty, sophisticated and wise saying nothing. NOTHING. Has anyone ever been criticized for nothing? .......... Come to think of it .................

Your creative juices flow. Books are chump change at best, unless they go movie, and a movie's success is directly proportional to the interest of teenage boys. What do teenage boys like? .................... You can't write that for fear of arrest and incarceration. ......... However zombies and vampires are tried and true, yet still somehow "in the moment."

VAMBIE! A male zombie mates with a female vampire, producing a little girl they name Vambie. Being the product of an inter-species relationship, half her face and body is crumbling and the other half is pale white, side by side. She is depressed, but refuses to take any mind altering medication. She fits nowhere. She doesn't know if she wants to drink the blood or eat the whole thing.

Her mother is often out all night which prompts Vambie and her father to suspect that something adulterous is going on. Dad is abusive as he takes his frustrations out on the little girl who has "one lascivious eye half like her Mom."

She is ridiculed and bullied by her schoolmates. She spends hours in front of a mirror, wondering why she could not have been one of the fortunate good looking monsters, at the expense of her school work. As a result she is publicly humiliated by her teachers' sarcastic taunts.

She is befriended by her male guidance counsellor. He too is a half breed, though he has "passed" as pure vampire, because his crumbling zombie half is below his belt. But he is now being exposed by a vicious female vampire teacher. After forty years of loneliness, he reached out to her and they recently "dated." She has since been laughing and gossiping to the other teachers about something crummy.

The guidance counsellor tells this to Vambie, who thinks that he is also ridiculing her. She cries and tries to get to the door, but he beats her there, shuts it and shows her his "sincerity." The duo decides to run away together. Without an income they soon become homeless. They find refuge in a church bell tower. But the constant vibration of the ringing bell accelerates the rate of deterioration of their zombie halves.

Seeing the end near they cry while holding each other, but break away disgusted at the other's ugliness. They get revolvers from a gun dealing meth freak. On prom night they shoot his and her parents, the students and teachers at the school and then themselves simultaneously. Investigators find a co-signed note at the bell tower. "This is for all the ridiculed freaks. We will not be the only ones to suffer. JUSTICE."

You have discovered through the experience with your first economically failing book that it is prudent to devote some time to research before you spend more of it filling in all the required details of another money adverse 300 page book. You find out that your "original" idea has been covered sixteen times in the past year alone, all available in e-form for $.99 or for free. Some used a male lead named Zompire, which sounds much more masculine. But all authors going the feminine route named her Vambie; one even using it for the title. While you were initially surprised and disappointed that your "original" story was not so original, you take solace in the fact that you have learned that there are really only five to seven stories in the world. The object is merely to put your take on one of them. You do copyright law research utilizing all of the two pages sent you by the vaguely threatening vanity publisher and the headache inducing hour on the web to learn one clear thing; that no one can own a word and that generally, no one can own a title. You can utilize Vambie and save her at the same time, sexual innuendo intended. Your aversion to easily detectable duplication surfaces and in an effort to do something with your "vision" you read the first few free pages of each and see that the other renditions of the tale were done with a low or middle brow tone. Incomplete, ha ha. So, you decide to go high, immediately realizing that you have forfeited all chances of being an Oprah book of the month "winner."

In all honesty, I know of no successful writers who write things like "Vambie," but, I have seen many GFR indies do similar things. If you get on the right thread, and give it away for free, you'll likely get a lot of four and five star reviews, and be called "cool" a few times. Wow!

From my vast personal experience and research, I am certain that the subject matter is the single largest determinant of whether or not someone buys and likes a book. I have spent years acquiring every baseball book that came near me, and I only disliked one of them; one which was originally published in the twenties. It was so bad it's hard to describe it. For approximately one-third of the book, the author seemed to be talking about baseball in a theoretical manner, without referencing any particular players, teams or games. For the other two-thirds I don't know what he was writing about; other than weather, rain barrels, his grandpa's fat belly and stuff like that. Until recently I thought that the writer was purposely doing the book poorly. Like maybe he had taken a non-refundable advance from some publisher he didn't exactly adore. But, now thanks to the literary education I've received on GFR, I lean toward the strong possibility that I missed something integral; it may well have been a meta baseball book. How inventive and how early on! I hope the author knows that GFR indie reviewers would be gushing over it today.

To end with a serious note I do believe the subject matter is the primary force. But, it seems to be a moving target. If one dismisses the constant middling market for teen age romances, read by teenage girls and older women who think in a similar fashion, one is seemingly in a random world.

Consider the huge success of "The Martian." It was written well enough, but probably won't walk away with any rewards for that. The story was remarkably similar to that contained in a book which came out six years ago and went nowhere, as well as numerous stories in 1950's and early 1960's comic books. I'm at a loss for words.

This is a complete guess, and if I listed them, there would probably be more exceptions than proofs of the theorem. However, it does seem less than infrequent that a well written book with a surprising opening sells well. The reader is effectively made to believe that one thing is going on, to learn later that it's another. Take one of James Patterson's recent releases. James is estimated to be the highest income writer and I'm advised that he was truly once one of the best. In this opening the temporary main character is employed to feed animals at the zoo. This day he has left something of his in the lion's cage. For thirty pages he considers all sorts of pluses and minuses to going in there unarmed to retrieve whatever it is. Finally he does, and the lion kills and eats him. Now, who would have expected that?

8- Pirates

Another hindrance to an indie writer's money making prospects is called "pirates." I will refrain from many poor jokes, as the term is a subject of contentious debate among some people who say that they're not kidding, and I will just say that in any comparison these guys are pain-in-the-ass nickel and dimers. Still, that is sufficient to screw up an indie writer.

I first learned of this phenomenon when I googled my own name and found it all over the web. In some places, like Barnes and Noble or E-Bay it was legitimate as they also sell most any product available on AOS. No problem; a buck less on the royalty, but a sale which would probably not have happened otherwise. Thank you, B&N and E-Bay.

But, by the time I had gotten tired of counting I also found twenty sites, some with titles written in notations which emanate from places where English is not the primary language, on which my books were available for free all the time; in the format of the "buyer's" choice. I checked one out and downloaded a PDF copy of one of my books. You may have guessed correctly that in that moment it felt as if my stomach had re-located to my right leg. But, I stalwartly pressed on.

The AOS e-book publishing subsidiary; Grand Old Platform (GOP) has a "community" site where writers can ask questions or raise issues about the books they have for sale on AOS. After the least bit of fiddling I found that five other people had already asked the question of; "My books are available for free on other sites. What's going on?" Each received the identical reply of; "We sometimes get hacked and there's nothing we can do about it."

I suspected that there was no point in asking the same question after having signed in through their "secure server." Instead I did some research. I discovered that none of the pirating free sites had books by James Patterson, Neil Gaiman, Jonathan Franzen, George Saunders or any other traditionally published, best-selling (in its loosest sense) author. They apparently specialized in indie, low selling books.

Now, at times I've been called an overly suspicious person and at other times one who has missed the point; but I couldn't help but think that there was something missing in this story. There only seemed a few possibilities;

1) The pirates and/or site operators are candidates for the "dumbest muthas in the world award."

2) Somehow they have been locked out of top 100 book lists.

3) They take perverse pleasure in giving people what they do not want.

4) The unsupervised GFR librarian toadies had found a way to pick up a few bucks.

So, I again signed onto GOP through their secure server and asked this question; "Why is it that the books which get hacked and wind up on free pirate sites are always the low selling indie ones? Why aren't the top sellers hacked?"

A few days passed and I still awaited a response. At the time, I could picture this being shuffled from one "executive" hand to another at AOS. So I again signed onto GOP using their secure server and sent another message which repeated the first and added; "This is my last attempt to get an answer. I'm disgusted."

The next morning I found an e-mail from AOS which said; "The next time you ask a contentious question your community privileges on GOP will be cancelled. The Management."

When I was able to stop shaking, I signed onto GOP using (Take a wild guess what.) and found that my two questions had been deleted.

So, I did some more research and found that US law is actually on the side of the pirates. Using the legal principle that there is nothing illegal with a person giving a book to a friend, or anyone else for that matter, free of charge, it is perfectly fine for an internet entity to give an e-book away.

At first that sounded to me as if it might be legally insurmountable. Further reflection found a few significant dissimilarities in the two cases. The fact that a person can legally give away a book or any other personal property is an event which can only happen once. Yet, a pirated indie e-book may be given away thousands of times. That's a whopping difference.

In a perhaps arcane addition, which, not having an LLB or more importantly a library of law books, frankly, is a bit over my head. But, logic suggests that it would be reasonable to require someone who is giving away a thing more than one time, which is supposedly protected after having been copyrighted by the creator or those assigned under US copyright law, which the pirate had no part in personally creating, without them having the "inconvenience" of substantiating that those things were legally acquired would be illegal. Note; Don't bother getting on this possible issue until more immediate ones are solved. That's much too optimistic; substitute "until more immediate ones have been broached." As I've mentioned I'm not sure of the legalities and precedents involved and the possible issue is tertiary to at least two others more primary. Please refrain from being annoyed with me on this one as it serves as a legal analogy of what is in the second following paragraph.

First, it seems that perspective requires some other factoids here and now, rather than later. An author with a properly copyrighted book can "legally" get their book removed from a pirate's website. Don't get excited by that. The burden is placed upon the aggrieved party; the supposedly copyright protected author or their assigns, to do the following;

1) Locate the pirating site.

2) Locate the pirating site's designated complaint manager and send them a request, properly worded, to have their book removed from the site.

3) If one can locate the designated complaint manager of the site, that request must contain volumes of information; such as copyright filing date and approval date; if the latter is still pending an incomplete "request" which obliges no response. Further, the offended party must supply the ISBN number, which as a matter of fact, all books are not legally required to have; proof of the requestor's identity, and more. If that laborious process is completed the perps are completely absolved by removing your book from their site; no damages possible. In practice, seasoned writers advise not to even bother with the process, as in practice if one is successful in having their book removed from the known pirate site, the pirates will just make it available on one of their other free pirate websites. There are further complications if the site is domiciled in a country which does not abide by US copyright law. Of course there are fee collecting services available which purport to manage these considerations.

In the writing of this book's parent, so to speak, I originally used the lyrics from a few songs. I had to take them out as I came to discover that if one uses lyrics from a song written after 1922 or 1923, in a book, they could be in some really deep shit. The absurd injustice, as it appeared to me, is that, as opposed to the burdensome and ineffective law which in practice allows anyone to take and distribute without royalty, an author's written work; that same author faces a possibility of jail time and a fine of $750,000 per occurrence, if and when they quote, even with credit given, more than three words of a song which no one has listened to or purchased in 92 years, even if the owners of the song did not file for copyright protection. To have chosen the profession of writing is to have chosen to be the kid everyone picks on, beats up, steals money from, and has no protection whatsoever.

As a practical matter, if you choose to remain this degree of masochistic, you are allowed to use titles and names of artists. You can title your book; "Gone with the Wind." Inside you can write; "Jethro Tull sang 'Aqualung.'" But if you write more than; "Sitting on a," you could have more grief than your psychological counsellor knows how to deal with. Note; I am not a lawyer; do not presume to give legal advice; and could be entirely wrong in saying anything I've said; including but not limited to, that you could use names without legal consequence. It is strongly advised that if your book title is "Casablanca," "Game of Thrones," or anything else previously utilized or if in the interior you are compelled to write that "I have to admit that I'm not feeling my best," think twice.

Indie writers would do well to spend sufficient time to form a group, take up a collection, and hire a good attorney.

The shit in this chapter has no practical relevance to you as an indie; other than an attempted depiction of another currently insurmountable boundary in the face of every author. This whole business is moronic, tedious bullshit. It would be more interesting to watch another HBO zombie production; and it would pay just as much.

9- Me Again

DISCLAIMER

The preceding chapters bear absolutely no relationship to the life, mental or otherwise, of the writer or anyone else sufficiently audacious to consider themselves a possible source. Any suggestion to the contrary will be considered libelous and will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law. It's not nice to laugh in this case, Troll. However, any duplication, use, idle mention or distribution of this material is prohibited and reserved by the writer, unless his written consent has been granted. The situations and people depicted are entirely fictitious, except Vambie's heirs, who have kindly granted the writer the right to mention her name.

10- Circle Jerk, Cannibalism or Incest

E-book writers are also generally avid readers; or soon become so after joining GFR. This was never true for me as I was always a pathetically slow reader and preferred movies and some degree of competence; as they allow me to keep the same pace as everyone else without having to make any effort.

Essentially, the GFR circle jerk, cannibalism or incest starts shortly after an indie writer decides that he will market his book through GFR. Veteran writers refer to this process as "doing the Goofreads slog." Initially this entails the joining of or the establishment of many discussion groups and the "friending" of as many people one can reach, especially the highest rated reviewers. Depending upon one's appetite for drudgery, people who do this tail off anywhere from a month to two years after commencement, as they learn two big things. One is that the top rated reviewers will not review your book, for reasons previously discussed, the value of which was also previously discussed; and secondly one soon finds that they will spend hours writing to lonely "friends," the vast majority of whom will never grace the writer's pocket with the big two buck royalty triggered by a book sale. Though as is conveniently usual in the book business, there are no reliable estimates of return on invested time; but it would appear that one could get a substantially better hourly rate in a Cambodian sweatshop.

When the indie writer comes to realize this, they usually revert to the "I need more reviews" mindset. They focus on others like themselves and do review swaps. Their groups expand over time and they do more review swaps, though usually less than thirty.

So, after a period of excitement wherein everyone involved is cheerfully thinking of how many sales they're going to get because of all the nice things being said about their book, the indie writer has received 20-30 four and five star reviews from the circle, and no cash sales. The next step for the indie is to keep writing reviews for authors who are not part of the group and didn't request a review, sometimes taking a big "shot" at an author who has sold 4,000 books.

I'll stop. The long and the short of the story is that the unpaid indie author has now become an unpaid indie reviewer-commentator; one who "likes" this, that, and the other thing; and no longer is writing any books. ................... Hmnnnnn. Perhaps circle jerks, cannibalism and incest have their positive aspects.

11- Credentials and Awards

Why are credentials important? Why don't they just read the first five pages to see if there is any interest? This is easy to answer on a corporate level, especially when you recall that 90% of traditionally published books lose money. In that 90% certain case, when groveling before his or her boss, the person who recommended the book being published has a much better shot at keeping their position if they can say; "Well, the writer had graduated from Yale, majoring in English, and had written some well accepted articles for "The New Yorker," rather than; "In retrospect the writer's lack of a formal education proved to be an issue, though I initially thought that our editors would be able to work their way around that."

If you Wiki the names of famous post 1950 writers you might be amazed how many graduated from the same schools; Bennington College a big supplier. Various conclusions might be drawn. But, it is safe to say that without their kind assistance, we might not have been graced with "Less Than Zero" and "American Psycho."

I don't know if and why individual readers might also require credentials, if in fact they do. Perhaps it is some derivation of the "safety in numbers" thing.

Any discussions of awards are totally dependent on the type of award. There are many, and they look snazzy on the front and back book cover.

So, you again correctly ask me; "Then how do I sell my books?" There are two honest answers. The first is; "I don't." And the second is; "I haven't the slightest idea, and if I did have one I wouldn't tell you. I'd use it to sell my own, oh ye of eternal desperate hope." I suspect that some will take offense at this and to them I say; "How many people have been that honest with you? In any given situation how many times have you heard someone say; 'I don't know?' or 'I'm looking out for myself.' I find it a rare prize."

During my GFR induced block I read many of the free pages available on AOS to find out how current name writers sound. Some of it I consider abysmal. That's what I expected. But, I was also pleasantly, or perhaps unpleasantly surprised to find some of it to be excellent; as good as anything I've ever seen on a box of Cheerios; all of thirty books. I hope you found that just an inch of amusing. The truth is something else, and it is a long ass story, and is not the subject of this book. Its crap for a reviewer.

It is apparent that Masters Degrees in English or Creative Writing qualify the recipient to do one thing very well; teach it and get a regular paycheck. But, as previously mentioned, I did find it uncanny how many name writers came out of the same schools. My guess is that these schools have a well-respected professor or two, who agents and publishers listen to. Mind you, even if this is the case, I'm not saying that success is pre-determined by the school or the professor, but just maybe that a writer from the appropriate citadel might have easier access to being looked at by people who matter in the literary world. And if they stink, they will soon be forgotten and the professor's next recommendation will likely be taken with a grain of salt. When he decided that he wanted to write, David Foster Wallace went back to school to take a writing course. When discussing that he said; "And I don't recommend that to anyone." Look at him now.

If that which is decrees that we can't make any money, let's at least have a good time writing those profound stories not yet heard. We already know them. It's their loss if they don't hear them. And, don't forget to keep thanking those kind angelic reviewers. They make it okay in some ways; just not in the greenback department.

When I got tired of counting, I had located approximately 100,000 entities which bestow writing awards annually; ten of which may have some significance to someone. It's irrelevant to this essay as the few which may have some monetary significance do not entertain indie books. Further, I did not locate any studies which correlated the awards with book sales.

My instincts suggest that one would be un-wise to seek any grantors of awards which require the payment of "entry fees" or insist on a number of physical copies of the book in question. You'll have to buy them at retail price and pay shipping charges.

Grants are great. The book doesn't even have to be all that great to get one. Of course virtually all grants are given to graduates of Bennington, Yale, Princeton, Harvard and that year's fashionable exotic.

The best deal seems to be chosen for "Oprah's Book of the Month Club," If that TV exposure doesn't cause a "buzz," nothing will. If offered, to maximize Oprah's worth, first decline the honor. It will be news until you decide to accept it, at which point you can make up some spurious story about the original decline; like you were afraid that your book would be viewed as lower middle brow, but have since learned better. Hey, look what that sort of ploy did for sales of Jonathan Franzen's "The Corrections." Not too shabby and you only have to show up once.

12- Some Math

I'd like to re-introduce some very elementary math we all learned in grammar school. No, don't run away. I believe that it has some relevance in any discussion of the dismal non-science of publishing.

Though there are a few indie reviewers who state that they read and review somewhere between seven and twenty books per day, they are a miniscule minority. I could make any of a number of applicable sarcastic comments about this, but will refrain as the claimants are both statistically insignificant and likely to be offended. I try so hard to be nice. Sob.

For the rest of us to have read one book a day over the long term is likely an exaggeration. But, for the sake of argument, let's say that we did. Let's further say that we knew how to read at birth and that we will live 100 years. We know that as of mid-December of 2015 AmawayOnSteroids had in excess of 8,000,000 titles for sale or available free and that that number is constantly growing.

Simple extrapolations mean that over the course of a lifetime we will each read 36,500 books or say we did,(365 x 100) which in turn means that, all books equal, there is a 4.6% chance that an avid reader will read any given book somewhere during their extended lifetime, and an .046% chance that they will read it during any given year. (36,500 divided by 8,000,000 and .046 divided by 100.) If a .046% chance sounds attractive, consider that if we remove the percentage sign the number becomes .00046. Complicate that by using the methodology of your choice to refine that percentage, taking into account that most avid readers make extensive use of their local library, ten cent closeouts, and the millions of free e-books available; that your local library has more than 8,000,000 titles available; that the best classics are always freely available, and that a miniscule number of indie books ever exceed a 36,500 AOS sales ranking. You will shortly see that this is estimated to equate to 3-15 sales per day. Then ballpark your odds of getting people to pay money for your effort when they don't even know your name. There is nothing wrong with swinging for the fences; but it seems the most common of senses to first find out if those fences are 350 feet away or 5,000, which always results in a fly out.

Trust me on this one as it involves more assumptions and numbers and it may seem to work against what you may have come to think of as my agenda in this book. But, it is also true that if we take the most optimistic of assumptions, the average book will be read 24,840 times per annum in America alone.

Hmmmmn. Sounds viable working with an average. It might be more appropriate to work with a mean, but I have no idea how to do that. As discussed elsewhere there is significant upward skewing of numbers with the top ten authors 2014 estimated incomes ranging from nine to nine hundred million. .......... On the other hand those at the bottom of the pile don't make a nickel.

I'm out of here. This is giving me a whopper of a headache. No wonder that mathematicians get paid better than writers. I know; the people who compiled the best-selling book of all time thought it appropriate to devote an entire section to it; but despite the successful effort they didn't collect any royalties either.

13- Laughable Attempts at Heroics

Since around 1980, we have all noticed, plenary indulgence graciously extended, a sharp and commercial move. Please, don't pierce. We're so afraid, shocked and in awe. What is generally un-recognized is that that depiction of matters is the broadest limitation of the investors; some susceptible to the illusion or pragmatism of a livable reality otherwise not conceived. Dogma, wishes and daydreams rightfully aside, no fuckin' way can it be virgin; thank God, the Devil, or Sartre; depending upon personal beliefs. Without the incorrect interpretations of his-her-its, error-induced-human delineation of masochistically Christian sacrificial requirements; we are always abandoned by those we love. We kind of expected it, but didn't want to think, and therefore possibly show, something which could be seen as a disparagement of those brief interludes; perhaps in fear that such thought might render the process even more brief. We are on the fucking cross; the cross; the temporary cross. The physical hurt is non-existent in the face of our cry to not abandon one who once expressed a desire to be a friend. The watchers cry and pray. He loves them for that, but the stakes through his hands and feet hurt so much, they kind of take precedence. An end would be merciful. He looks down at the few present, inclusive of those inclined to a safe, un-feeling, existence. He knows he is no better; a vainglorious occasional assumption that he is one of them. Just a dream.

It will soon end; at least in this place he has named hell, in his loneliness. So many times he prayed for it to stop; just make it stop. Seems so reasonable a request. Just let it all go blank. Please. Please. Please. In his unrealized privilege this is commonly seen as another pharmaceutically induced escape, now fully financed by Obama-lack-of-care. Panacea? Nirvana? ......... Here. Now. Post some shit or other. Let the credentialed wade through that for a misnomered lifetime. Without a regard to the pens and brushes of the bullshit artists, the spear supplies the most compassionate act he has ever known.

Evoking the visuals hip decades prior coupled with the schizoid nature of twenty first century, "gonzo" marketing abominations, Howard Sternly refused to be taken in by the GFR induced hype of peddling one's book(s) there. Flagrantly chastised by his fidgety producers, he simply was tired of hearing the nervous agent's admonitions of missing out on another marketing tool. He established a GFR author page. While he remained open to accepting "fans," he would not accept any "friend" requests. Big shot, right. Big enough, I surmise. Even Steven King has GFR "friends" he never speaks to. With Howard, I suspected that there must be some sort of half-hearted, aloof, professional and sophisticated marketing logic at work.

But, come on Howie. Give me a break. I really want to be your friend. Really. I'll even give a five star review to one of your co-written books. I won't be a pest. I know it takes most of your time to captain your serious satellite communications. Promise, if you let me be your friend, I'll only contact you once and ask you to arrange for me to make friends with one of the well-experienced, female porn stars you purport to be tight with. Or loose, whatever. Numerous times you did say that you had a little one. I especially like the one who had facial plastic surgery and now has lips to her nose and chin. If that's not possible, I'm not all that picky; no nose innuendo suggested. You know any black ones with gigantic hips?

I'm getting carried away. Back to business. No shit, if you can arrange something like that for me I promise to delete the "friend" garbage. No offense intended, but those girls were the only "shocking" part of the daily hour in reg room.

Fucking phone is ringing again. Dammit. Probably that useless real estate bimbo with a whole lot of bullshit and no buyers. It's getting so hard to remain nice.

I found out that GFR has been putting author profiles on the system with no permission or interest from the author. Many of them are not only disinterested; they're fucking dead! I guess GFR is getting tired of my "limited" market types and wants to impress some people with big names. But, hey, hope you're all right, man. Really. At your age you never know. That stuff I said about your show; just kidding. I just wanted to convince you that I wasn't going to be pestering your ass. Cool?

But, honestly, how about fixing me up with one of those big lipped chicks; especially the one whose talented lips coincide with her chin and nose. I don't give a shit if she's sixty; you know what I'm sayin'. You can tell her that I'm some big deal writer or something like that. How the fuck will she know any different? Okay, okay; I'll wash the damn Toyota. If you're dead sorry and never mind.

14- A Radically Condensed Set of Factoids

1) Writing is and always has been one of the worst ways in which to attempt to make a living.

2) That difficulty is not a function of 21st century computerized technology. Any considerations to that effect are merely excuses to falsely, stupidly, or commercially herald something "new-in-plasticized-and-chipped" format.

3) Great writers, such as Jane Austen and Edgar Alan Poe did not sell many books in their lifetime.

4) 8,000 sales are considered a successful book by the traditional publishing industry.

5) In 2015 the average annual income of an indie author was $500. This was dwarfed by the traditionally published author's reports of $3,000. It is noted that both numbers are the result of unconfirmed, anecdotal accounts and are subject to downward revision. It is also a mathematically solid testimony to an agent's value.

6) The average indie book sells 100 copies. Half of that is attributed to the kindness of family and friends.

7) Indie sales of 250 copies is considered an unusually successful book; especially when one ignores the difficult to document "you-buy-mine and I'll-buy-yours" relationships between indie writers.

8) Despite what seems to be a low threshold of success; eight thousand sales; with all the expertise, advertising and other sources of promotion utilized, 90% of traditionally published books lose money.

9) You have as much chance of your book breaking through as you do of either hitting a million-dollar-a-month-for-life lottery or being twice hit by lightning.

10) Fuck your irrational wishes and dreams. To attempt to market your book on Goofreads is a total waste of time. Excepting three, no big name author bothers to maintain a presence there as they know it's useless for selling books. The suspicion is that the three who seem to be present are merely the substantially incommunicado sock puppets of their nervous agents, editors, publicists and publishers. You distrust that statement. You do have grounds. You wonder why a hotshot, successful outfit like AOS would buy something so worthless. It's because AOS will buy anything which is for sale if the seller is willing to accept shares of AOS overpriced-more-than-a-thousand-times-earnings-stock in payment.

For those of you who are financial novices look at it this way. Make believe that you are AOS. You'd like to own a car, but all you have is a wallet which only contains three US one dollar bills. Your annual income is a penny in a good year and you lose a penny in a bad one. You meet a guy who also is income challenged, and he is desperately trying to raise money through the sale of his car. The car needs much work which will cost more than its Blue Book value. The two of you get to talking. Though the owner of the car doesn't volunteer the information, you know that, barring some miracle, this heap is on its last legs. So, you pull out the wallet which contains US$3 and say; "I'd really like to have the car, but this is all I got." The man selling the car looks at your wallet and says; "Three thousand will do quite nicely," apparently mistaking single dollar bills for ones denominated in thousands. The possible thought processes which you and the seller may have are numerous, confusing, and largely irrelevant herein. The bottom line is that the deal is done, each one thinking that they have pulled a fast one on the other. The next step is that each of you takes their newly acquired "asset" to a Wall Street bank, which is "open for business," and tries to convince them that the property is worth $3,000, and that they'd like to sell it to them for only $2,900. The Wall Street bank knows that the property has marginal value, but they also know that they can sell it to their clients for a higher amount. The clients in turn, know ............... This could go on, but I think you might get the point. Steely Dan sang about a scam, and before that the Beatles sang about knowing better and crying.

11) 80% of books read are read by 18% of the population. This is especially perplexing. We know that fictional books which sell best contain some aura of a Godard un-reality; at least having characters and actions which are not as absurd as those depicted in various teenybopper genres. Yet, this popular "reality" is judged by those who have spent more time in the library or otherwise with their nose in a book than they have spent outside it in the fresh air. No value judgements. As far as I'm concerned they are welcome to do or not do whatever they'd like. But, remember that if you are a writer who wants huge sales this is the bulk of whom you will have to appeal to.

12) Women read 90% of the fiction consumed and 75% of the totality.

13) Some of these women, usually those characterized by themselves or others as "high-brow," the term complimentary or derisive, depending, favor male authors as this category of reader uses their interpretation of the "poetic" meaning of the words to gauge where the best of the male monkeys are at; "best" perhaps substitutable with "weiner." That view seems self-congratulatory and yet sadly appropriate. This is a market which does not entertain much of indie books; understandably. They seem to be substantially reliant on the prognostications of recognized, well-credentialed sources. They are aesthetically interesting, yet financially some sort of burden, though not in the traditional sense of the word-feeling.

14) To choose to be an indie author is an admission of either financial ignorance, artistic pretension, a belief that one has something new to say or are otherwise talented, a substantial trust fund, or the possession of a subtle masochism not yet realized or wished hidden coupled with a desire to not be edited, to not be chased around in some "expert's" conception of commercialism, and to be perfectly willing to be viewed as a complete retard; modern euphemisms substituted if required.

15) Despite allusions to the contrary, Donald Trump did not pull himself up by his bootstraps.

16) Those vaunted reviews, so accessible from numerous sources, as well as the ones called that generated by those still learning the art, are not worth a nickel. It has been un-equivocally been determined by parties as disinterested as your dis-interest in that party attended by the coke enhanced zombies who didn't know the meaning of snort, that there is absolutely no relationship between reviews and book sales; whether that relationship is calculated based on number or quality assigned. NONE. PERIOD. GET OVER IT. DO YOU REALLY STILL THINK THAT SOMETHING CHEAPLY OBTAINED IS WORTH SOMETHING? JEEZ! If you do you might try doing a teenybopper romance or carpet cleaning. These words will be taken as offensive to certain parties, no matter. It's nice and greatly appreciated to be liked by those who take the trouble to write reviews. But, we should always recognize that they do not matter in terms of greenbacks.

17) Much assistance is for sale on the web. For fees ranging from $5 to $15,000, for the super-duper package, you can obtain multi-application formatting, beta reviews, five star reviews, a drop-dead artistic cover design, editing services, vaguely described marketing help inclusive of the perp's supposed attendance at various book fairs, volumes of e-mail notices sent to already inundated parties and guest appearances on radio shows; Nielson ratings not mentioned or below the radar. Most of these services are offered by writers, who claim to have used these methodologies to have sold hundreds of thousand or even millions of their own book and now want to help you. These operations do not deserve any response other than "Golly, gosh and darn." Without an extensive search, I have thus far found eight which claim to be the original publishers-marketers of "Fifty Shades of Gray." As you exit, just be careful not to click on the four interspersed icons which will lead you to the purchase of their hit book, nor the urls advertising "affordable editing and design services."

18) Unlike the possibility of being totally ripped off by some of the fly-by-nighters discussed previously, you can now get these same services through a "reputable" publisher or retailer. Can oxymoronic expressive combinations be tertiarily employed? Whatever. Ostensibly, since the corporate entities have had difficulties in producing a profit; 90% of their books confirmed as losers; through their own well-credentialed operations, they are now willing to sell you their expertise. Sorry. That sentence does not make a lot of sense no matter how many times I try to re-phrase it. On the positive side, suffice to say, that at least up until now, they will attempt to provide a reasonable facsimile of what they have advertised. On the negative side, it seems incredible how they can make your book a hit when they can't consistently do that with their own. One cannot help but think the audacious thought of the possibility that they have determined that they can make more money taking fees from desperate indie writers than they can by selling books. Perish the thought and in no circumstances say it in polite company.

15- A Pastiche of Factoids/Fantods Some Still Find Debatable

1) Goofreads is a very efficient, easy to use site with tons of information which is operated for the sole benefit of the owners. If this is not palatable; substitute that it is operated for the benefit of the crybaby reviewers-librarians.

2) This is not to say that it should be operated for the benefit of authors. But, it is to say that it would seem just a bit reasonable if it did what it said it was doing. That it exists for the benefit of readers is clearly not true. That it can assist in book sales is laughable and their claims have yet to be tested in court. That in return for their sucker free labor, librarian-reviewers can initiate, alter, delete, and pirate anything on the site seems obvious.

3) 90% of GFR users are desperate indie writers, or their sock puppets, trying to sell their books. When they become addicted, they guaranty that they will continue to be desperate indie writers or their sock puppets.

4) GFR reviewers operate as a union. To offend one is to invite never-ending, attempted retribution from an army of red ants.

5) Do not expect any help from GFR or AOS "management." The Bozos' directed minions recognize that statistically, the 40 hours of free slave labor they weekly extract from their librarian-reviewers exceeds what they make from selling your book on an annual basis.

6) If you'd like to play on the Little League ballfield presented, it is necessary to become a GFR librarian in order to get any consideration or be outdone by ten year olds. I find this personally abhorrent and a financially calculated application for a two buck an hour job on lucky days. But, do whatever you want. A GFR librarian has access to and the ability to change or delete anything in the database. The power is overwhelming ................... TO THEM; and to you if you previously had any naive expectations from the rather simple database application designed for THEM.

7) Near the time of the AOS acquisition of GFR a bit of a war broke out. If for a moment you choose to ignore my fantastic grasp of the obvious which indicates that AOS-GFR won it, the only other half reasonable possibility is that the reviewer-librarians won it, while they cry over losing it. It's something like DFW's "Infinite Jest" allegory concerning the nuclear waste dumps. In the interest of "freedom of speech" the reviewer-librarians can continue to say anything they choose; while some say that they can't and direct people to their independently published collections of reviews for the whole story. Utilizing previously quoted estimates, about 200 people have done this. Yes, a few stupidly obscene and threatening sock-puppet-trolls were banned for egregious behavior, but even they are back utilizing a different name. However to make matters more absurd on the obverse of the coin; if an author, not even referring to his own book, says that there is something deficient in the reviewer's observations; not only will he get 25 one star ratings on each of his books, but he will be banned from the site; perhaps an unintentional favor. The reviewer-librarians have been Bozos'-granted the right to be the unquestionable last word. The Supreme Court has expressed its jealousy. Is it any wonder why any author exceeding a $15,000 per annum income level doesn't take the two minutes required to establish an "official" GFR presence? This is no 'moral' issue to me. Bozos can do whatever the hell he wants with his property. I just can't understand how any writer would want to be involved at any level.

8) Everyone above the age of 15 who was born in Great Britain has written at least one book which is currently available on AmawayOnSteroids. Fortunately for indies they have as much current American significance and popularity as Alan Sillitoe.

9) AOS boasts of 40,000,000 active users. They recently conducted their annual poll for best book of the year in 15 categories. The polling is over. The winners have been declared. AOS said that there were 3,000,000 votes cast. Hmmnnnn. I guess that less than 1% of "active users" did not care to take a minute from their busy 30 days to vote for their favorite book. Keep in mind that voters have the ability to cast votes in each of the twenty different genres. Keep further in mind that all of the resident indie authors cast votes for their own books as well as those of their compadre authors. Draw your own conclusions regarding the likelihood of 40,000,000 active GFR users.

10) There have been a few attempts to equate AmawayOnSteroids sales ranking, which is the only "market" number the state-of-the-art-AOS-GFR machines make available, with the number of books sold. The number of these brave, borderline Diogenes' is likely limited to about three, some now defunct. This relative AOS ranking is a number available for every book listed; which for all intents and purposes is every book ever written which still exists and some that don't, listed on the AOS monopoly, assuming that at least one has been sold. "Ha ha" you may say; but you may also be surprised to learn how many have not yet reached that level. This AOS ranking is also calculated for each author, however that number is not available unless you know the author's e-mail address and password, and are surfing semi-proficient. This number is not even available, except in a bastardized and AOS "adjusted" fashion, to the author himself, who is obliged to not mention it under penalty of AOS death.

The precise estimates of the correlation between book ranking and book sales differ from estimator to estimator, but the writer believes that they are not sufficiently at odds to inspire debate, except by those academics who only talk to themselves. This one was in the middle of estimates;

"AOS Best Seller Rank of 1 to 5 - selling 4,000+ books a day.

AOS Best Seller Rank of 5 to 10 - selling 2,000 to 4,000 books a day.

AOS Best Seller Rank 10 to 35 - selling 1,000 to 2,000 books a day.

AOS Best Seller Rank 35 to 100 - selling 500 to 1,000 books a day.

AOS Best Seller Rank 100 to 350 - selling 300 to 500 books a day.

AOS Best Seller Rank 350 to 500 - selling 200 to 300 books a day.

AOS Best Seller Rank 500 to 3,000 - selling 50 to 200 books a day.

AOS Best Seller Rank 3,000 to 5,500 - selling 30 to 50 books a day.

AOS Best Seller Rank 5,500 to 10,000 - selling 15 to 30 books a day.

AOS Best Seller Rank 10,000 to 50,000 - selling 3 to 15 books a day.

AOS Best Seller Rank 50,000 to 100,000 - selling close to 1 book a day.

AOS Best Seller Rank in excess of 100,000 – you've got to be kidding."

Writer's note: As of December, 2015 the ranking floor is south of 8,000,000; and is going further south daily with the constant addition of new e-books. Some estimate 600,000 per month; though that strikes me as a number which was more relevant in the recent past. Anyway, not to worry; one book a day will put you in the top 50,000; if I'm reading this thing correctly; and just take a look at some of the atrocities out there. If one cannot outdo; "Scaly Green Mechanics #1; 'The Crashed Aliens Get a Garage Job,'" one should really stick with the personal diary. ......... Correction. My wife just told me that "Scaly Green Mechanics #1; 'The Crashed Aliens Get a Garage Job," has gone on to be AOS' #15 and Warner Brothers has purchased the movie rights. .............. Never mind. Go figure.

11) This is entirely speculative. AOS-GFR has seriously wounded or killed what remained of a book industry. There is little reason for anyone in possession of any common sense to write a book. The industry will increasingly be dominated by the mentally deficient and the sadly abused grown up kids. I think we'd all agree that for some time we have already witnessed the beginnings of that. Sure, there will always be best sellers, whatever that means, whatever the corresponding numbers, but already today's best seller lists have been invaded by stories not worthy of a good 1950's comic book. Look around and open your ears. The fat lady is in the middle of her aria.

16- Hope Springs Eternal, etc.

It is usually very unwise to be only a nay-sayer. So, here's a list of constructive things you can do to sell your book without running the risk of being homeless.

1) Marry a super-rich literary maven. If the possible pretentiousness makes that less than palatable, marry Paul McCartney.

2) Get a regular paying job; one in which you cannot be subjected to the rigors calculated by 'efficiency experts.' Something judgmental first comes to mind. Barring that, fireman, evening security guard at the swimming pool, and 911 phone operator work just as well. Write your book, while being paid by someone to sit around. Upper management is an excellent option, but is only available to the few.

3) Don't be discouraged when your first brilliant effort gets few sales. Write another, and another, and another ........ Your chances increase with each. If your probabilities were 1 in 10,000,000 with one, the writing of a second will increase your chances 100% to 2 in 10,000,000. The laws of diminishing returns do un-deniably kick in at some point. However with a third it still is a 50% improvement over the previous situation, and that's an acceptable return to any half-conscious businessman.

4) Even though they don't matter financially, write about 20 reviews of your book. It seems that most writers have a psychological need to daily read something personally complimentary. The lack of that could lead to the horrors of the ill-defined writer's block or the horrors of the need for a fling with someone who appears available. Send your 20 reviews to every relative or friend you have, even those known through social media, and ask them to post the reviews under their names as well as the names of their sock puppets on GFR and any other 'social' mediums at their disposal. Yes, there will be some duplication. But, if anybody checks, say it must have been the result of hacking. Hey, AOS gets away with that one. You're in well contacted company. In the course of so doing, you will not only get psychological remuneration, but a few of your relatives and friends might actually purchase a copy; if only to provide laughs as they confirm how stupid they always thought you were.

Tip: Do not make all of the reviews of the gushing, five star variety. A seasoned reader-potential-purchaser may suspect something odd about a book with zero sales and 400 five star reviews. Even AmawayOnSteroids-GFR's state-of-the-art search engine might have its interest piqued. Write a few one star, critical reviews and aim at a 3.8 grade point average. There's a strong chance that it may not be better than "The Catcher in the Rye."

5) Contact your college English teacher and see what it would take for him-her to publicly state that you are a prodigy. It's probably just some sucking up. It's amazing how bright you become when you tell someone else how bright they are. Caution: This procedure can become seen as ludicrous beyond the age of 52; your years, not the professors.

6) There are a number of writers who are now dead and were gigantic sellers when alive. Determine the name of their principal heir or executor-trix and e-mail them a few chapters of your brilliance. Intimate that you have become aware that the dearly departed had things in the works at the time of their demise and that you would like to finish it for them, in return for co-writing credit and 10% of the net. There are many ways this scenario may play out, substantially dependent on the sophistication of the contact made. Suffice to say that if you can be credited as a co-writer of the book you have written yourself, alongside the name of the dead best seller, your 10% of the profits will exceed the 100% OF the profits you would have made releasing the book under your own name, and your name will be now known; enabling you to have some degree of negotiating power for your next one. Admittedly, that may not be a lot, but it's more than any existing indie. You may think that this approach is an attempt at a cynical joke or the meanderings of the un-hinged mind of an un-noticed writer. I assure you that I'm not anywhere near that creatively competent. This scenario is based on something which actually happened, with a 10% conjecture concerning things not available to me or the general public. One, if not more, of today's literary superstars got their breakthrough in this precise manner. In fact, one of the hugest of today's moneymakers did this after having had less than lackluster reaction to previous efforts. Now, he has come so far, that people ask him how to write and are answered with third grade banalities. It's all BS.

7) Write an article for your local free paper. It won't take very long to throw a page together which extolls the virtues of the atmosphere and cuisine at "Bruno's Borderline Blast." Just keep in mind that; A) Local papers only want happy news; B) Bruno has agreed to a 12 month advertising contract with "The Up and Coming Gazette," last word most significant, in return for their "best efforts" to obtain a "fair five star review." Wink, check-is-in-the-mail-and-obviously-didn't-clear-yet wink; and C) There is no hard evidence that the alleged highly localized salmonella outbreak actually started at Bruno's greasy salad bar; and even if it did, you are not responsible. Don't waste your time or risk food poisoning by going to the establishment. Write of the cutting edge décor, the wonderful ambience, the friendly service, and the succulent, re-heated fish sticks. Be clear with the editor of "The Up and Coming Gazette," that you are perfectly willing to compromise any principles which dummies fret about to get your name and book title listed in small print under the article. You've been slick, as you know that three locals will read the fine print, and that one of them will mention your name to a disliked relative.

8) Consider having your name legally changed to James Patterson, Dean Koontz, Rick Riordan or Fyodor Dostoyevsky. This could be a bit problematic, but you will eventually win any court case initiated. If you prefer a zero-risk-to-cash-out-of-pocket scenario use the FD option as the dead tend not to make waves, though the sales will be less. You might google "Patterson obituary" now and then. Buyers and reviewers can be a bit challenged when forced to make their own decisions, but are completely secure in their brand recognition skills.

9) Consider using a pen name which will generate "hits" from people searching for other sources of entertainment. "Big Dick Donahue" and "Blow Job Jenny" come to mind. I'll be doing further research on this topic in the near future and will advise further in the sequel to this book.

10) Always refer to your book as a "best seller." It will likely impress someone. This may be truthfully accomplished by categorizing your book in an unusual manner. You might try something like "ebooks-fiction-paranormal-aliens-bizarre-memoir-historical-textbooks-YA-non-fiction." Demonstrate your creativity. I know of a case wherein an author of two books had zero sales of each, yet one was number 3 in its category and the other was number 9 in its. He thought that AmawayOnSteroids was not reporting sales to him. It turned out that there were three books in his first category and nine in his second. He then started to legitimately refer to his books as "top 10 best sellers."

11) Consider dating someone from AmawayOnSteroid's Ms. Management team; especially those with unsupervised access to the database. This is more easily accomplished at GFR, but the financial results may not be worth the degree of disgust entailed in the endeavor.

On a lighter note, look up Hugh Howey. No, that's not me. I don't know him and don't get anything if you buy his books. After doing all sorts of jobs, without having the "benefit" of having had taken courses in "creative writing" at Bennington, he began to self-publish his own indie books about five years ago. They were immediate hits, went movie, and now he can pretty much call his own shots. When asked, he said that he never did any marketing. He suspected that his popularity grew by word of mouth; no doubt an anathema to these plastic communication devices in seeming continual front of our faces. Much like Warhol, his advice to aspiring artists is to "do more."

P.S. He's a damn good writer; like way up there. Maybe that has something to do with it.

Epilogue

I re-read what I wrote and am embarrassed to have accidentally confessed to having been so naive at such an advanced age. The parlance suggests that to have come up with these observations I must have the onset of some sort of brain deterioration. Sorry. For me. I hope I was very drunk at the time. If I can figure out how to delete it, I will. Though I know your questions have attained an edge of sarcasm, at least worthy of a C+ on the David Foster Wallace scale, perhaps, I should have straight-forwardly responded.

What I really think is that the few, if any, who really know how to market books aren't spreading the news; and that they certainly are not offering their advice on the web for a thousand dollars per pop. Despite that logic, low income writers like me and you read the free advice all over the internet, always coupled with several mentions of their "very successful" book and convenient URL's to click on for convenient purchase. We're condemned to hope. The author's name is never as familiar as the New York Times top ten bestsellers, though they claim to have pocketed a few hundred grand last year, while the vast majority of the household-name-writers have kept their day jobs. I'm not accusing them of lying. That's a matter between them and the IRS. Which IRS you rightfully ask. I'd suspect that of a country dealing in pesos or sheckels.

Doesn't it bring some merriment to view the marginalized ads from book cover designers, editors, websites with "marketing acumen," presss release capabilities, promised radio "appearances" et al, available at $300 an hour, well in excess of those actually employed by professional publishers to do the same thing. I actually would fork over the $300 if they could get me on "The Jerry Springer Show." ......... On second thought ................... But, I'd probably have a better shot at that if I could get my fat sister to agree to join me in publicly taking off our clothes and saying; "We're intimate and we're proud," or some such thing in Georgian.

My own approach will be to write more books, with different subject matters, and maybe someday I will touch a nerve which causes a tidal wave. Not a bad analogy, if I do say so myself. And if I don't I honestly won't care ............ the majority of the time. It's become obvious to me that the publishing industry has determined that they can make more money from hustling desperate authors than they can from selling books, as they obviously don't know how to move the product either. If they did they would not have a track record of 90% losers.

Best wishes with your efforts, and I hope that someday you might write me an e-mail, saying that I don't know anything and that your book has been top 10 for months. It will be especially welcomed if you might be able to get mine read by somebody other than Goofreads and AmawayOnSteroids.Com "reviewers;" one who can potentially pay to say; "Its encouraging; but needs a lot more work."

Under a barrage of US Conservative indoctrination for the last thirty-five years we have all come to think that we have become educated in financial likelihoods without the imposition of having to pay a degreed professor. Don't think so? Next time he's over ask your plumber what he thinks of AOS business plan and hope that he hasn't already written ten pages about it on his blog.

You are of the firm opinion that the bulk of what we authors think is that we will be the exceptions and that it is necessary to think that way. You're right. ........ I guess. Then, I'm reminded that almost all the successful writers I've Wikied are either takers of or candidates for the taking of anti-depressant medications. Then I wonder if that mindset is the one which most registers with readers and reviewers. Then it starts to get really complicated and best stopped.

You are wise in having been shy to express your special nature. But in moments of clarity you are honest about it; at least with yourself. You think you are magnificently talented. You think you are more creative than the prime mover. You know that without writers an entire industry would not exist. You know that without the maligned and poorly paid writers the unemployment rate would be 25%. You know that without writers the population would have to drift off to sleep holding their crotches. You see the pile of bills near the microwave. You know the next book will cure everything. You know you love to write. You know the one you'll do next will supersede anything ever done. It is practical. Without these beliefs you wouldn't be able to write a cook book. This is your curse. The cynics were there before you; and know how to use your optimism and desperation to keep you impoverished.

Credentials. Credentials. They insist on credentials. Damn the credentials. Look at the first twenty pages of the book. It's free now. If you don't have the nerve to make your own decisions, do yourself a favor and get the fuck out of here. But, you know that this is the key word in all pursuits. I didn't mean "fuck," but it comes out better that way. We live in a society where no one dare venture their mere opinions. Sans excuse, being wrong is intolerable. People have lived their entire lives without having made one. They have told me so themselves. The credentialed do not "like" anything which was not previously "liked" by their antecedents. If they deign to bless the rabble with anything at all, their attempt at a characterization results in a boring dissertation replete with exclusionary jargon. The Babel replay makes them feel current, superior, important and smart. After personal study and colleague interviews, it has become clear that either safety lies in Linus' blanket; be it a degree, union card or past calculable financial success; a tangible thing in which to rest one's faith; the oxymoron invisible to the many; or a mere redundancy. "I wasn't wrong. Anyone would have done the same thing." "Yes. I understand. Yes. I'd have done the same thing. Yes." But .................... "Fuck you both."

We rookie writers get screwed. AmawayOnSteroids and Goofreads speak to us of promotion and we personally believe that they are the best deal around, since with minimal computer skills we can freely list books with them. The pusher always makes the first shot free. We soon discover that whenever we log onto AmawayOnSteroids, we are greeted with visuals of the same "best sellers." If we get adventurous and move around a bit we find those buried under ten five star (*****) reviews and ratings provided courtesy of family, friends, purchased slugs, and review swappers.

Catch-22? You wonder why they can't feature yours sometimes. It would certainly generate some more sales. If someone wants to purchase Patterson or Gaiman's books, they know where to find them, without constant "in your face" advertising, which may actually be counter-productive. What do they know? Their stock sells at only 1,000 times earnings.

In your head you hear the Eagles sing "Cripple Creek" and "Saturday Night," only to be too soon followed by the "Doolin-Dalton-Desperado" reprise, marking the end. Once it's known, it cannot be forgotten.

While it was probably not your "original intent," possible Supreme Court allusion disdained, to have your stories seen by everyone, it was also probably not your "original intent" to be effectively blocked from all manner of on line communication by a fascist organization, executed by their sucker flunkies. You've long heard about the "free" access provided by the "Young Adult" aged social-internet. But, now you have had first-hand experience with the communications allowed and sabotaged by AmawayOnSteroids, through their purposeful neglect. You know that it's just so un-popular to nitpick, and a 2016 disaster to appear whiney. So you refrain from articulating any observation which might be construed as a complaint and this is precisely what they want. This personal approach is both because you are unsure about your technical proficiency and because you want people to buy your books. To do that they have to be available on the AOS monopoly. Shit, writing books sounds like a whole lot better way to spend your time and make a living than expediting boxes in some hundred degree warehouse, constantly under scrutiny and on camera.

But your experiences have made you somewhat skeptical. Some inconsistencies not yet taking the form of questions stick in your mind. A vague feeling makes you wonder if one player has been allowed to have much too much control. They seem to have an interest in making it easy to post your book with them. Simultaneously, they also use it as a "free" come on available to their $99 per year subscribers. You didn't have to allow this they said. Make or delete the checkmark in the appropriate block. However, when you attempted to take the un-checked option, you found that there was some insoluble problem with getting your book posted. When you checked the block the problem was miraculously solved.

If this is somewhere near the time you first entered the curious world of books, authors, readers, agents, publishers, retailers and hawkers of "book marketing" services there is little doubt that you've been getting an "earful." It is further likely that had you any warning that this enlightenment" was on the horizon, you'd have brought an opened lead umbrella or called in sick. This umbrella is the best shield you've yet been able to imagine, as total enclosure in a lead box is required to put any possible illusion in its appropriate place; away from you.

But, now you are there. "Where?" one might astutely say. In the natural light accompanied by a rattler? Where things are hollow? I haven't the slightest idea. Partially conscious? This "reality" check renders any early presumptions you may have made or not, a long time ago, extremely incorrect. If the last two words are too strong substitute "indicative of a postponed re-visit."

You know that, but don't want to believe it. But, to ignore or pretend to ignore the cold facts will only result in the appearance of the solicitation of platitudes from tired and "encouraging friends." You will easily detect that their kind words progressively demonstrate what they have come to see as some sort of burden. For a while you'll do your best to not see that. But, your best just ain't good enough. If you continue in this pursuit you will soon meet Blanche DuBois, through the introduction of ever present factoid of Stanley. ......... Maybe that's an improvement, but at best is a subject best left for someone viewed as either a "credentialed" or a "naïve" entity. Some Eastern religious philosopher-on-the-un-admitted-make or a crass Kowalski-in-pursuit-of-a-'truth'" can't fully understand or appreciate; yet seem to work magnificently if played by Brando.

This has obviously been "seen" by a myriad of 21st century writers of e and books otherwise handled, or not. Yes, the few readers and reviewers of indie efforts "kindly" acknowledge their appreciation for the independence of books self-published; their condescension ostensibly of value to them only. Many stress how important it is for them to appear to be "nice," just before going on to state their "generous" rating scale does not hold "indie" efforts to the standards of books previously done well. One of my father's favorite phrases was; "Don't do me any favors." But, that would be so impolite to say to a kindly reviewer. They are so "nice," and simultaneously useless and inconsequential; in pursuit of their own "market." Please don't laugh yet, and don't let the words slip out devoid of measurement. To say any approximation of that, or to be taken out of context as saying that; or to have been subjected to the Goofreads form of "free speech; as defined in commercially prompted limitation," administered by an unpaid and thereby un-professional librarian, "edited" in the seeking of their monetarily un-compensated love of what they find to be a "power" granted, will give the powers that be "cause" to brand and dismiss you as someone worthy of expulsion; and all the dumbed down little shits will actually agree; as the authority allowed them to safely do so. .................. I guess it would be inappropriate to snicker or say that that may be one of the highest levels of compliments one can receive. This may have digressed too much into the mindsets of the predatory crew; but this is not their book.

For a new, un-backed, un-proven and un-supported artist, it is of more relevance to try to define the sources from which the "bad guys and girls;" come; be it the help me, help me sad ploy, almost excusable; not in logic but in your heart strings; and maybe a suggestion of something more; so hard to define; especially as that thought-feeling is one you know so well. Incongruous and illogical; isn't it? ............... Not really. ......... Partially so. Though you'd like to, you can never escape those memories of how they all pointed at you and laughed. No one can ever remove it from your head. It's been imbedded; even prior to puberty. They laughed; and laughed; and laughed. They pointed; and you went blank. In your momentous entry you couldn't understand how they found humor in your pain. Mercifully, the teacher entered the room and it stopped. Now, they are clandestinely laughing as they obviously fake the display of kindness through the lowering of their standards; and the teacher died a long time ago. The real question is; "Who in hell gave the inexperienced permission to speak?"

Where did your book take you? Where do you think it might have taken your partner? I guess that the questions infer much too innocent answers. Get off it if you want to stay alive; the benefits, if any, of that pursuit, are yet to be determined.

Okay, you want to sell books. ....... Maybe. ......... It's still summer and your flip-flops seem comfy at the upper-middle-class; as variably defined; pool. You sit near the deep end, near the high board, which seems much too dangerous. Bright eyes light up the place with their un-bridled optimism. You consider the possibility that there is something wrong with you when you hold back from their joyous leap. You can't help but envision the 73.23% chance that there is no water in the pool; or that you will land flat on your belly; or that you will not even be able to make it up the stairs for your fear of heights; and worst of all that they will point and laugh at you when it doesn't go right.

The others dive; their bodies gleaming with the tiny rainbows reflecting from the play of the sun on the droplets adhering to them. They submerge; then resurface; spitting out the chlorinated water; like dolphins; yet seemingly, in the moment, more oblivious. You watch in what you don't want to characterize as envy. You're truly happy for them. It's not their fault that something makes you unable to participate. You'd just so like to be one of them. Yet your mind disables you. It will not go away, no matter what you try to do in attempts to obliterate the apparently immortal demon. You get confused when you see five sharks eat them.

Your biggest fear is that you would rather die than do a remake of the Cheever-Lancaster "The Swimmer."

So, you're a writer; a reader; or both. To be more truthful, more likely you are a garage mechanic by day and a fantasist by the night in which you put down your thoughts. Now that you know who you are, it is sometimes useful to secondarily place yourself in the world you have chosen to inhabit. To go back to square one, "books" has through "computerized enhancement" become a term which means anywhere from hard copy black and white, with the occasional illustration; to the electronically efficient set of doo-dahs downloadable into a plasticized device of some sort with hi definition and color capabilities. Audio renditions can be stuck in your ear at higher charge. Whatever. It is of no matter. It's just another soon to pass format; sort of a plastic fart; pretending that no more farts will come.

Regarding the first consideration of something material the cash seeking author must quickly recognize that he, she or zie is writing for READERS. By their very definition and moniker they are people who have felt more comfortable in the grips of printed paper and glue than they have been comfortable when confronted with the dualities of flesh and blood. They have obtained voluminous life experience from their ocular and digitized, substantially black, white, and gray meanderings and are sensitive to being told this has its drawbacks. So, you write for them while you don't write for them. Simple.

Since the admitted US days of the slaves and the elsewhere un-admitted days of the same concept, it is clear that the powers that be are successful through one, and only one, major skill; their abilities to obtain free labor. They have capitalized on that and have used that capital to obtain "influence" ranging from the Mayor, to the President, to the Supreme Court, and to the "shadow governments" responsible for day to day operations.

Through the unpaid labor, they have stolen from everyone susceptible to their slithering charms, including the writers and the readers. I'm sure they have a plan in place for the arithmetic-ers. At that point they will have the whole thing.

What they may have not yet considered is who will buy their products when the populace has been deprived of all income. "Free market" capitalists have become increasingly short term oriented for half a century now. Maybe they'll soon be in for a shock of their own or maybe they already have plans to openly make a subsidiary of elected government. Inroads have been established.

No matter. It's all good. It's all fucking good. The people can get all the free books they want. They can read them while they starve and drift off. They'll be entertained to the end and won't have spent their time trudging through boring repetitious jobs. All their pictures, information, preferences and personalities already exist in cyberspace, where there is no need for food, clothing or shelter, and there is an infinite supply of entertainment; every book, movie or news item that ever was, is out there.

Maybe I'll see ya'll soon. I hope so.

The End of the Beginning

Stop Already

What may be different in 2016 is that the writers can say whatever they want; and, if you believe the flouncing whines, it is the reviewers who are being called into question. There's a joke in there somewhere, but I don't know what it is.

One incident I've heard of happened in merry old civilized England. A writer found the reviewer who had been the first to one star his book and hit her on the head with a wine bottle; hopefully already consumed. I may have the sexes reversed, but it doesn't matter.

The perverse thing is that many more of the unionized reviewers then one starred the book; resulting in more people becoming aware that the thing existed; leading to greater sales than it would have otherwise had.

As far as I understand how it now stands, at least with "oh so significant" Goofreads, a reviewer can say whatever they want about a book, but are precluded from demeaning the writer. ................................. The slightest bit of thought about that indicates a sizable gray area. For me, I find it okay to make fun of books which are not specifically stated to be memoir recollections of a writer's painful past. But, when I once suggested that to a reviewer who had just done that, my response was; "Fuck you. No asshole can tell me to shut the fuck up. I have freedom of speech and can say whatever I want." She must have been an undisclosed librarian or had access to one, as it wasn't until after I had spent my time in the penalty box that I could inquire of this middle aged, portly and un-attached woman if it was okay for non-assholes to tell her to shut the fuck up. But, it wasn't until after I had done my time that ..............

In certain circles of the real world the GFR "Trolling" issue has seemed to evolve into a question of whether or not the reviewer has actually read and paid for the book in question. The simple answers are; "Not necessarily," and "Not necessarily." ........................... "DUH!!!" you say. "DUH!!!" I chime in with. .................... To ignore the ruse of a pawn sacrifice, we all know that this is a deflection, as there is no way one can prove whether or not they've read a book. But just like the investigation of Hillary's "inappropriate" computer usage, it keeps people away from hearing about significant issues, such as the bankrupting cost of the now fifteen year old "War on Terror," where it stands, the goals, the cost, etc. etc.

If that is somewhat palatable to my respected reviewers, I will now risk incurring your communal wrath. What you have said in your review is no more sacred than what the writer has said in their book. Yes, I wrote that. And I'll write it again with a slight change. What you have said in your review is no more sacred than what the writer has said in their book; and 99% of the time is less so. Pragmatically, it is best for a writer to not confront their own reviewer, but another writer might well confront the review. The review is not the most supreme of documents.

Reviewers have advised me that; "They can say anything they want," and that "One cannot bully a book." Let me just say "Okay," other nuances reserved for tangents dictated. Previously mentioned issues aside, it seems easy to follow this "logic" with; "I can say anything I want and that one cannot bully a review." ............. Free speech? ................ Nothing personal? ..................... I hope okay. If not. I won't be losing any sleep over it.

Right now my unscientific view of the situation is that there are plenty of crybaby indie writers; maybe spoiled by the high ratings they were given by the re-salable "free book"-in-return-for-an-honest-review-scam; the author swapping of "honest" reviews, the lower standards granted by some "kindly" reviewers, or the fifteen buck per pop four and five star "honest" ratings available from numerous sources which AOS and GFR find too tricky to find a way to curtail.

The reviewers on tiny Booklooks seem to be bucking the four star-five star-Goofreads, marketing approach, which has already been seen as a joke in many circles. "Applause, applause," to take an early quote from Joni. To paraphrase and attempt to make 2016 relevant another; "We're out of here. You won't notice." In time everyone will follow or will claim to have had.

Booklooks drew my attention as it is the only book oriented-social networking site which is not already majority owned by AOS. The reviewers there rate books five stars approximately 10% of the time. Many of the reviewers also post their higher rated ones on GFR. All I can say is that if I was a reader considering reading a certain book, and wanted to first hear other honest opinions of it, I'd go to Booklooks; even though I recognize that this site contains less books and reviews, and seems to specialize in YA romance, zombies, and bizarro.

It is only due to AmawayOnSteroids and similar stock-selling-machines that these things have become any sort of an "issue." We writers and reviewers have been tricked into supporting a monopoly of calculating haters; through allowing them to convince us to fight with our brothers and sisters. It will be only our first step into a freedom destined and beautiful when we take the easy road of standing against everything that AOS stands for. It's only after that, no more futuristic than AOS' stock price, when we might be able to tackle the other issues.

This whole issue is truly just a twenty-first century manifestation of the old game of "divide and conquer." In the overall scheme of things it doesn't really matter much. It really doesn't matter precisely what a reviewer is allowed to write in a review any more than it matters what a writer might write in response. If we are still here in a few decades, it will be either not remembered or the source of a joke. However, what will likely be remembered is AOS-GFR and the story of how they 'successfully" came to dominate the market. This will not be stated in the mainstream, as there, only the winners and their flunkies are allowed to write the history. It will be stated by little people no one ever heard of, just as it has always been. I would think that there must be some time when this all-too-obvious-fuckery stops, though there has yet to be a precedent.

Hey. You know, at the core, we're all on the same side. Nuance, nuance, perceived nuance. Substantially, irrelevant. If there is any point, it is for you writers to keep on writing your wonderful books, and for you reviewers to keep on evaluating them fairly. You indie writers will be best positioned to do that if you don't waste your time and money on all the junk the fee charging experts and other parasites advise. Don't waste your time adding to the AOS-GFR fortune. I have no stature; never will and really don't care. But, if you are more impressed with advice from the successful, look up Hugh Howey. No, that's not me. I don't know him and don't get anything if you buy his books. After doing all sorts of jobs, without having the "benefit" of having had taken courses in "creative" writing, he began to self-publish his own indie books about five years ago. They were immediate hits, went movie, and now he can pretty much call his own shots. When asked, he said that he never did any marketing. He suspected that his popularity grew by word of mouth; no doubt an anathema to the worship of these plastic communication devices in detestable front of our faces. Much like Warhol, his advice to aspiring artists was to just "do more." I feel it fair to say that though there are very few writers, no more than 30, who I personally consider excellent, Hugh Howey is one of them; and that time and again; hard work and honed natural talents have a persistent habit of rendering the validity of marketing schemes irrelevant. So, go for it; just protect your ass while you do. Be as excellent as Hugh. Lightning strikes somewhere every day.

For me, what is left may seem a challenge. Certainly, to be anywhere near as good as Hugh Howey is a formidable task. But the rest is easy. Hey, hey Bozos and company. Listen up. It would be really great if you or one of your un-paid sucker flunkies look at this and ban it from your site. I'll really miss the three buck a month wonder you've done for me; and I hope that one of your smaller competitors can do as well. It might be a great marketing ploy to advertise myself as someone banned by AOS. So many people hate you; even right where you live, or the reasonable facsimile of the "L" word.

I could have made the presentation more thorough through more editing. I could have added some things. If you don't believe that I can't adequately convey how much that breaks my heart. Whether or not you want to hear it, I just got bored as cold shit with the whole thing.

The whole thing can be summed up in two short simple sentences. "IF YOU CAN, JUST DO IT FOR THOSE WONDERFUL READERS AS IT WILL BE A BREATH OF FRESH AIR. NO MATTER HOW FEW YOU MIGHT REACH, THEY'LL ALWAYS REMEMBER."

ALMOST DONE

The back cover said the following in gold colored letters over a deep purple background, in a font covertly and inappropriately named "Jokerman:"

"Mr. Drobinski is the author of twenty-four other works of fiction including the best sellers; 'Death Or Eurydice,' 'Deadly Compromises,' and 'Free and Clear,' and has been the recipient on many awards including the coveted 'Malajay Institutional Recidivist Award for Life Achievement.' He attended Jersey City High School and subsequently received his GED from the State of New Jersey, graduating with honors. He currently resides in the Ironbound section of Newark, NJ with his lovely wife of 45 years and six pet lizards. He would like any potential reader to be aware that his works make no attempt whatsoever to be instructive, useful or competent; and that any such interpretation is a mistake; either on the part of the reader, writer, or printer."

THE END
