 
K-Tron

SMASHWORDS EDITION.

Copyright 2015 Den Warren

All Rights Reserved

Twitter: @ArchCitizen

archcitizen.wordpress.com

Congratulations! By getting this book, you are joining the historic, thrilling premiere of the Unbelievable Universe!!! So, you are obviously a superior human! This is the first ever volume of UU, which has the electrifying origin of K-Tron and introduces numerous other super-characters. This book is something you will definitely want to include in your paperback collection.

\- Den, Publisher

Really? No one should seriously think that anyone portrayed in this story is a real person. "K-Tron" in this book has nothing whatsoever to do with any equipment manufacturing company, musician, or store in Poland. Any similarity to a real person or superhero is a coincidence. We wouldn't want to use your crappy names anyhow.

Thank you for purchasing a copy of this book and not copying it illegally. Book piracy is like having an entry-level evil overlord with a room full of slaves sitting around writing books for no pay.

Excerpts may be used for reviews in publications.

Chapter 1

I am like, a random guy, you know. No, my real middle name is not "Random". But I can't tell you my real name because I don't want someone, like Homeland Security randomly coming to my house and asking a bunch of questions. Okay?

No one wants to listen to me. I am not really mentally challenged, exactly. But I just wanted to tell somebody about my all true intense mayhem. I have tried everything to tell normal people what's up with me. This has ended up in me getting threatened to have my ass kicked a couple of times, and a guy dumped his Dr. Pepper on me once. I didn't get all twisted over it, but I could have messed them up, for real, if I felt like it.

Then my mom took me to a place to talk it over with a guy in a lab coat, like I was going to get sputum all over him by talking. After all the ludicrousness in my life, my friend Lamont said, "Why don't you write a book? You'd get paid, you know."

I liked the part about getting paid, on account that I ain't got no money. But I told him "I ain't smart enough to write a book."

But he just laughed. In fact, he laughed about everything I told him, and said, "Just write as stupidly as you talk. Look at all of the other stupid stuff people write. Why wouldn't they read your stupid stuff?"

I really didn't think any of the stuff I am writing about was supposed to be a joke or anything. How come people are so freaking severe, anyhow? Anyhow, I am writing it, but I don't know why I am writing all this junk, because I figure it will all probably just get deleted.

Lamont tried to help me out. He went on his computer every day looking for somebody to buy my book. Finally, a guy said he would help me out, and publish my story in this book you are reading.

*******

It all started when my dad said I can't sit around all day being stupid and lazy, so he got me a job at his workplace. At work, they said I can't be there all day being stupid and lazy. I wish they would all just make up their mind.

Not long after I got the job, my dad went out on a business trip. But I really didn't think much about what he did at the Company. As long as he paid for everything at home, I didn't know, or care what he did, or how he did it. But he was gone, I don't know, maybe six months and he never came back and he didn't tell us nothing. So the money quit coming in. We didn't know what happened to him. They said they didn't know at the Company either.

My mom couldn't work because she stayed home with my older brother Petey on account that he had the muscular sclerosis. Petey couldn't do nothing for himself, because all of his muscles were going bad. Mom didn't want to send him away for some strangers to take care of him. So Mom played solitaire on the computer all day, while Petey looked out the window at a brick wall on the building next door.

Mom finally got some money from the Government on account of Petey had the muscular sclerosis, but not much. We were literally broke, and getting broker.

The job Dad got me was in our hometown of Shanesville, Ohio, at Global Domination, LLC. as a lackey, second class. It didn't pay much. Even when I was working there I didn't know what my dad did for them. They told me he worked out in the field, whatever that meant. Anyhow, I had to wear a stupid uniform at work. All of us guys, about twenty of us, wore that getup. It was a girlie purple, with a big stupid purple helmet. I really didn't mind the pink Reeboks, but all this pink and purple looked like we belonged in the Barbie aisle at Toys-R-Us. The stupidest thing about the uniforms was that there were no girls there with us wearing that same ridiculousness.

At Domination, I had to do a lot of cleaning. Floors, windows, toilets, pull dandelions out by hand, everything. They were totally anal about leaving barely noticeable streaks or whatever. I always felt like telling them off. There had to be better places to be a slave than at Global Domination.

Lamont was my best friend there. He was another lackey second class, with a purple suit. He was always telling me what to do, not to be anal, but just to keep me out of trouble.

Ever since I started working, I didn't see any of my old friends from school any more. It had been a couple of years since I finished school and they were all off, doing whatever.

There was nothing much in Shanesville for me. Sometimes I wanted to leave town. I guess with Petey's sclerosis deal and everything, that wasn't going to happen.

Nobody in town ever said much to me, except, "How's Petey doing?" I don't think anyone hardly really even knew my name. All they knew me as, was "That kid who's brother has MS." That kind of gave me a baditude sometimes.

I wanted to be a baseball player when I was in school. I think I would have been good at it, but now I'll never know, because Mom made me come home every day to help Petey with the stairs. All through my school years we lived upstairs in an apartment, because even when Dad was making money, we couldn't afford a downstairs apartment.

Mom made me carry Petey on my back by myself, down the four flights of stairs, outside across the street to the Park so he could watch the ducks. I had to do that every day. I had to stay there and swat flies off of him or whatever. Mom made us stay out there at least an hour every day, even if it was raining. Then I had to bust my ass and haul him back across the street and up the stairs. He was super heavy, especially in the winter when he had his winter coat on, especially if it was soaking wet. I kept doing this every day and after awhile got really strong. I could tell I was getting a little buff. Mom never really thanked me for doing any of it, and if I whined around about it, she got seriously pissed, so I learned to keep quiet about it.

Every day at work was stupidly boring. After work I would go home, carry Petey around, then go into my room to sleep, eat, and play Xbox. Mom would yell at me for not picking up after myself. But Mom did say that she was proud of me for having a job, because the money helped a lot, and that I looked good in that metrosexual uniform. So for her sake, and Petey's sake, I didn't want to screw up and get canned, so I did what I was told. Except when I got bitched out at work for wearing the uniform home, which was against Global Domination rules. I just didn't feel like changing. They had stoopid rules for everything.

Anyhow, my boss, Dr. Swickbog, was an asshole, for sure. When we were talking to each other, we called him Sick Frog. He was kind of a big guy. He always wore a black uniform, which it always seemed like he needed to fix his collar. And he had on a mask, like he was hiding some kind of a skin deal that was going on with his face or something. He was never happy. He always came around yelling, "You fools" this, and "You imbeciles" that. I guess it made him feel better knowing he could harsh on us all the time. If we didn't do exactly like he said, he would make us do some of his freak anal BS, like tape us to a pole with duct tape, or if we were really bad, he would tell the other dudes to hang us upside down by a chain. That ill crapage hurts, for real. His meetings were as boring as school, and they made no sense. They really didn't know how to take a joke at that place. Like when I told Swickbog, he needed to go to anger management. You could get in trouble for just looking at him wrong.

I know what you are thinking, and it is wrong. So I will clear it all up right now. Dr. Swickbog is not my father, Okay? I'm not a total idiot. I would know if he was. Duh.

There's this other lackey second class idiot guy there, Malcolm, who always tried to suck up to Swickbog, and rat people out for doing the smallest thing. Like when Malcolm saw a guy take one of Swickbog's donuts. Whine bag Malcolm ratted him out. We still don't know what happened to that guy. Anyhow that damn Malcolm was as much of a buzzkill as freaking Swickbog.

Dr. Swickbog had a scientist guy working for him. Professor Bartholemew. I didn't know a doctor could be a boss over a professor, but he was. We thought the Professor was kinda cool, at least compared to Swickbog, but mostly still suckish. We called the Professor, Bart, or Barty. Since I was one of the smarter lackeys, sometimes I would help Professor Bart in the lab. Mostly I just cleaned while he was figuring out stuff on the computer.

Chapter 2

One day when I was in the lab, Professor Barty had just got done working on a new formula. He showed it to Dr. Swickbog. Bart said, "Dr. Swickbog, I have three versions of this new formula. I call them, X. . . X-X, and X-X-X."

Dr. Swickbog said, "X-X-X?"

"Yes, Doctor."

"You fool! Everyone knows that Triple-X is poisonous!"

"But Doctor, this took over a week to synthesize. 'X' was just the next letter in the alphabet. It has no relationship to its toxicity."

"Silence! Have that idiot go dump that in the back alley behind Palacio del Taco."

Since I was that idiot he was talking about, I took the Triple-X out back behind Palacio and dumped it down the drain on the street. Some random kid on a bike came by and saw me doing it. He pulled out his phone and took a picture of me pouring the bright glowing super thick green junk down the storm sewer. A bunch of green steam came out of the storm sewer. But I figured dumping it was okay, because my boss told me to do it, you know.

Then I went back into the Global Domination lab and Dr. Swickbog and Professor Bartholemew were staring at me when I walked in.

Swickbog said, "Guy, I have some papers here that you need to sign."

"No problemo." If I had my head on straight, I would have known it was not such a good idea to drop paper with those evil overlords.

Swickbog said, "Here, here, and here," as I signed off all the papers.

"Perfect," Swickbog said.

Bart said, "Guy, we want you to drink this Double-X formula."

"Why?"

"We need a test subject."

"Can't we just make a random guy do it?"

Bartholemew said, "Trust me, you're quite 'random' enough, Guy." He handed it to me. It had a glow to it, and it felt warm. I guess the glow was not as much of a glow as that Triple-X though, because it had one less X than Triple-X. It looked more like radiator antifreeze, while Triple-X looked like mashed dead lightning bugs.

I was about ready to suck it down. I tipped it up, then I stopped. "Can I just drink the single X instead?" The single X looked about like Mountain Dew. I figured it would be a lot less sickening, and maybe taste like Mountain Dew.

"Negative. We want you to have the full effect of the bioelectric enhancing active ingredients," Barty said.

"Well, I'm not really that thirsty right now. If I was me, I wouldn't pick me to drink it."

Dr. Swickbog is like, "We can do this the easy way, or the hard way."

I figured he was going to go get me a straw, but instead he just kept staring at me, all evil-like, waiting for me to drink it.

Then Barty said, "Yeah. You need to drink it now before the active ingredients lose their potency." What a suckup.

By then, I knew Swickbog would just have some of the other dudes hold me down and pour that garbage down my gullet, so I figured I might as well just go with the flow. First I sniffed it. It smelled like they puked it up and added kerosene to it. Just the smell of it made my eyes water and made me feel like upchucking. I figured it would be better if I just chugged the gooey junk down, you know, to get past the taste, so I did. I ain't gonna lie to you. I am pretty sure I have never drank anything nearly that nasty. I really had the urge to regurge. It was like, totally rank. Then I got real dizzy. I couldn't hardly breathe and I didn't remember nothing after that.

*******

I woke up on the gurney in the Global Domination lab. I felt totally crapish. My whole body was shaking and jerking around. It surprised me when I saw there was this big shiny steel ball hanging close to my chest from this pole deal. I didn't know what the ball was there for, but I could see my reflection in it and my eyes were solid bright green. Talk about sickening. Wires were connected from the ball over to a control panel. I felt like I was losing it. "Hey! What's going on?!"

Dr. Swickbog and Barty were looking down on me. I felt different. Really different, and not in a good way. It's like when you vibrate after getting an epic hit of caffeine, but totally way worse. Only this was like a stupidly massive amount, like downing a whole case of Monster Bull or something. I felt like bouncing off of the walls. But also I felt like my entire body had, to like, sneeze, or something.

Then suddenly, my body shook real hard. KRAK! a blue bolt shot out between my chest and the hanging ball.

"Hey!" I yelled, "That thing is zapping me! Get it away!"

Barty said, "I assure you, Guy. It did not zap you."

"Yeah it did. I ought to know."

"No, you zapped it," Barty said.

"What the. . .That's pure ridiculousness!" They sounded like they were talking some kind of voodoo sci-fi to me.

Professor Bartholemew said, "Yes, this condition is as we expected. Your body is collecting electricity from ambient fields and dispersing electrical charges."

"Huh?! Why?!"

Swickbog said, "Because I want it to!" Then he started laughing.

I didn't know what part of all this was funny. I don't know what "dispersal" is, but I told those freak shows, "Make it stop!"

"Sorry, but I can't," Barty said.

"What?!"

"Some things were just meant to be," suckup Barty said.

I told him, "That's stupid talk, Barty! What's going on?!"

It was sore on my chest where I got zapped. There was a burn hole on my purple jumpsuit. A small curl of smoke was coming up from it. The scary thing was that puke Dr. Swickbog seemed really stoked like it was his birthday or Halloween, or both. You never see him smile unless someone is hurting. Swickbog goes, "Our dream of creating an invincible metahuman army will become a reality!"

I don't know why he always had to talk like that. None of us lackeys could really understand what those science wonks were trying to say. I bet he got his ass kicked a lot when he was a kid.

"C'mon Barty! Give up a little more info!" And I was needing to rub my sore chest, but my arms were strapped down.

Barty said, "I told you. Do we have to go over this again? You just released a blast of energy. The mark on your chest is just some minor electro-dermabrasion."

"Huh?"

"Yes. Like I keep trying to tell you, the electricity came from you."

"Not even! That makes no sense!"

"Yes it did."

"As if I would know how to do that!"

"Look, I'm trying to explain this to you. You have to accept that you are shooting electricity.

"Why would I shoot electricity?!"

"Again; the Double-X you drank gave cells in your body the ability to store and accumulate energy, then release it into a blast. Very much like a capacitor. Now you need to learn how to control it."

Then I'm like, "You make me drink some crapulent crapola, which made me feel craporeal. Then you tell me I need to learn how to control it. You Frankenpukes mind telling me how?"

Bartholemew said, "We don't know. . . yet, exactly. We have never gotten this far before. The last time, there were certain complications."

"Like what?! Let me guess, it can lead to a hundred side effects, just like those happy drugs on TV!"

Barty goes, "Ummm. . . There was an OSHA recordable accident during the acclimation process."

"Huh?! Talk freakin' American!"

"Oh, just a claim for a workplace accident."

"Like what?" Bartholemew didn't want to look at me. He clearly was trying to hide something that lacked coolness.

"Like, the guy's entire body exploded. What a mess. The cells throughout his whole body just seemed to want to get away from each other."

"Wuh?!"

The Professor said, " Not something we could have expected. You know, with him being the first subject. But you'll be happy to know that the formula really hasn't been fully tested, so we don't know of any other severe side effects, with the exception of some synaptic turbulence, which we can't possibly control."

"Yeah! I'm real pumped! What's the point of this?!"

"It is important in science to fail frequently and spectacularly to gain knowledge. However, in this case, we should be past the bodily explosion phase now. That is why it was good that you discharged some energy. You will want to do that from time to time. To prevent the exploding. But don't worry, this Double-X is an improved formulation over the old Triple-W. And we are working on a suit that will help you handle the power storage."

"You're crazy! Get me out of here! This ain't good! I already feel weaker! You're going to kill me, you crazy bastards!"

Bartholemew said, "Paradoxically, your feelings of low energy should recover very quickly after each discharge."

"Should?! I really hate you guys!"

"Bah!" Swickbog said. "You signed the papers, you imbecile!"

Barty tells me, "That's just the drug talking. Once you learn to master your new condition, things may become normal again. Probably better. Until then, we better keep you restrained on the table. It's for your own good."

"Doctor Swickbog! You're a doctor! You gotta help me!"

Swickbog is all like, "I get so tired of morons who think I am a medical doctor. Just, man up a little."

"No! I don't like this! You gotta fix it! Call my dad!"

Dr. Swickbog pointed his finger at me. He didn't trim his gross, long fingernails very often. He told me, "I'm afraid that your dad will not have anything to say about this situation, Guy. He ran out on you, and the Company. He never came back to report here. This new condition of yours is permanent, so get used to it. In fact, your situation here is looking brighter with each energy blast. Bwahahaha!"

Old Barty started laughing too. It seemed like this whole screwed up thing had to be a bad dream. I don't know what he meant about my dad. Were they lying because they did something to him, or did they have some kind of hold over him? All I knew was that I was so sick that I was afraid I was going to die. Then it got worse. It was so bad that I was afraid I was going to live. Maybe exploding would be better anyhow. I wasn't done yelling at them. "Hey! And what's the deal with my solid green eyes?! And my skin looks greenish!"

Barty said, "That's just a touch of chemiluminescence. No worries."

"Not for you!" I said. Anything that had a name that long had to be jank.

Dr. Swickbog said, "Bartholemew, you did a fantastic job on Project Capacitron! "

"Thank you, Doctor."

"No, thank you, Professor. You can expect a little something extra in your paycheck this week. Even if this one also dies, you still did a remarkable job."

"Hey!" I yelled. "I'm right here, you know!" What freaking idiots.

Swickbog said, "Commence preparation of another dose for our next subject. We need as much of the formula as possible."

Bartholemew said, "At once, Doctor. Which lackey shall we select for the next round?"

Swickbog said, "Perhaps. . . Lamont."

"No!" I didn't want them to mess up Lamont. "You want Malcolm. He's the best. He's a really awesome lackey, and a totally cool guy. You won't regret it."

Swickbog had his hand on his chin with his gross fingernails sticking out. "Hmmm. . .Very well then. We shall take that under advisement," Dr. Swickbog said, "Next week, after the dose is ready, we shall tentatively plan on using Malcolm."

I don't know how long I had to lay on that stupid table. There's no clock in there, or any windows. It could have been ten days, or ten weeks. Lamont told me secretly that Mom stopped by to see me, but all they told her was, that I was unavailable, because I was "away on business." Really? I mean, what outside business would I ever be doing? Pulling weeds? Is that what happened to my dad?

I really didn't know when I was going to discharge energy. They would get me up off of the table to go to the crapper and take along the shiny ball grounding deal on a pole with wheels, just in case. Sure as crap, I would discharge energy in the toilet instead of at the steel grounding ball. No, I really don't want to tell you any more than that about it. The bad thing was, wherever the blast came out, it hurt like hell. Way worse than after a deluxe platter at Palacio del Taco.

One day it was really bad. I was standing up and I discharged some energy out of my face. Everyone was freaking out. I didn't know why until they told me that it popped my eye right out of the socket in my skull. My green eyeball was laying on top of my cheek, hanging by the optic nerve. This really gave me some screwed up vision and made me more sick. Then Barty did a hack surgery and put my eyeball back in. When I looked into a mirror, I thought the mirror was cracked. The mirror was fine. His botched up surgery on my head left a major zombie scar on the side of my face.

Idiot Barty said "the girls would think it was cute."

With the frankenscar and my hair constantly trying to stand up, no doubt I would be a real babe magnet. I literally wanted to kill him, but at least, on account that he fixed my eye, I didn't have to wear one of those pirate patches.

Another time, for no reason, I felt this random explosion in my mouth. I felt this small hard thing in my mouth and I spit it out. It was one of my fillings. I still never went to the dentist and got that fixed yet.

This whole deal with the electrical discharge was not much fun, wondering what part of your body is going to give out next.

Then Barty gave me some metal gauntlets, which are just gloves. Those Poindexters can't just say "gloves". At least with those gauntlets, when I blasted electricity from my hands, I could do it without burning up my fingertips. I was supposed to learn how to "focus" the energy out of the gloves, so I would quit getting burns all over my body. I told them, "Why don't you show me how?" They didn't like that comment at all. Idiots.

The other lackeys would still start bitching every time I used the crapper, 'cuz of all of the accidents. It's wasn't my fault, because I really did not know what I was doing. It was like training yourself to be potty trained when you had no clue what to do, but no one else could show you how. It was all really embarrassing. I had a notion just to walk out, but I literally had to relearn how to walk too. My muscles were all messed up and so was my brain. I ain't gonna say my brain was perfect before, but at least before I didn't have to wonder if someone was talking to me, or there were just the voices bouncing around in my head. I so wanted to go out and get a lawyer and sue their asses. But what would I do, tell the judge about all this? Plus I signed the papers. All I needed was for a judge and jury to start yuking it up too. I was really hating my life, or what was left of it. I was hoping the Double-X crap would wear off and things would go back to the way they were.

One day they finally put me into their specially made suit. It was wired for me to get control over the electricity collecting in my body. It had flexible conduits running up and down my legs that were connected to thin bands of special metal wrapped around me. This was supposed to help my body collect the electricity. I had to give props to the weirdoes. That suit did seem to help out. Then they gave me a special set of round birth control goggles to help put counter pressure on my eyes, so they didn't pop out of my head again, and to help with all of the dryness my eyes had from having the electric going through them. The goggles were also good for hiding my ID. Also, I could just blame the glasses for my solid bright green eyes.

Those wacked out scientists were telling me that after they give Malcolm the same goop, that I was going to be his best friend or something. But I was for real, not going to help stupid ass Malcolm with any of that Capacitron Support Group bull. That was one of the stupidest ideas that Sick Frog ever had. I honestly couldn't care less if Malcolm exploded. In fact, I could only hope.

It wasn't too long until I could do an energy pulse wave out of my body. Barty got pissed, because a pulse wave just sends energy everywhere, and it kinda busted up his lab. My ability to control went from being like a sneeze or coughing when you have a little control, then like holding your breath, when you have more control, then more like doing yoga, or something, even though I don't do yoga. So pretty soon I could generate some badass energy blasts, straight out of my finger.

I got more control and then more confidence, along with bigger and badder zapping potential. The lackeys kept bugging me to tear up some junk so they could watch. Then I got a little cray with anger and power and I freaking sent an intense blast to a small car across the street. There was this loud cracking and a blue bolt of lightning. Sparks flew everywhere. Then the gas in the car exploded. The car was a big fireball. The guys thought that was hashtag awesome. The fire department came and put the fire out. No one knew what caused the fire, except for us lackeys. Everyone laughed their heads off, but later I saw a girl out there across the street crying because of her car. I knew I shouldn't have done it.

Where did all of this energy come from? It was like it pulled from the air. It felt like maybe from the electric wires that were overhead, but not always. There was this other messed up feeling. It was like I felt another person, a person I couldn't see, maybe fake, using energy, trying to get into my brain like a can opener. It really did kind of give me a headache. In fact, I wondered if I was going to go insane with all of the assorted randomness going on in my head, over and over, and constant headaches.

Dr. Swickbog and Professor Barty were really loving what they did to me. Even though it was cool for them, it still totally sucked for me. From then on, I couldn't go for more than a few hours without some kind of energy discharge. Whenever I slept all night, the energy built up and I could have really done some massive shock and awe after I woke up.

Swickbog was such a tight ass that he wanted Barty to build a deal he called an inverter so he could convert my wasted energy blasts into electricity and make his electric meter run backwards. But that never happened. I guess they decided that crime was a better return on their investment.

Chapter 3

After I was pretty much got used to my busted physical condition, I got invited into the office. Swickbog and Bartholemew took a seat with me around the meeting table.

Dr. Swickbog said, "Guy, we have a proposition for you. We would like to offer you a big promotion.

"You mean lackey, first class?"

"No, better than that. You will be at the rank of Agent. And you shall go by the name of Capacitron."

"No I shall not. That name sucks and I can't even say it. What the hell does that even mean?"

That idiot rolled his eyes. "Again, your body cells function like electric capacitors. Since you are unique, you will have to maintain your anonymity."

I go, "Why don't you maintain your own ananominiminy."

"You don't understand. As an Agent of the Company, you can't use your real name, Guy. You will be too high profile."

"I get that. At least the part about using my real name. but I'll shorten it. . .to K-Tron."

"What?!" those doofgeeks said. It must be one of those egghead jokes that only evil scientists and smart-ass book editors get. I still don't get it. Jerks. Anyhow, they started laughing. That's just one more reason why I wanted to kick their stupid asses.

Even though I didn't want any part of this bullcrap at the beginning, and I still really did hate their guts, I had to admit the promotion sounded really good. I never had a promotion before. I felt important. I would be a higher rank than Malcolm. I was definitely down with that.

Then Swickbog threw some keys on the table in front of me. "Here. These go to your new car."

"You're giving me a new car?"

"Oh, that's not all. If you look at that key ring, you will see a key to the front door of your house."

"H. . .House?" That was a real game-changer. I wouldn't have to go home every night and haul Petey up and down. "I get a house?"

"That's right. You can move in next week sometime. As long as you work for us, you will be well taken care of. All of your needs."

They offered me a new car and a freaking house. But no more money, which Mom really needs, and they weren't giving me nothing that would actually get rid of these stupid headaches that the morons caused. But I'm not as stupid as they thought. I knew they wanted to control me, like I guess they pr'y controlled my dad. This was all like, extremely extreme. But I didn't want to stop them from giving me all of this free stuff. I mean, I was really like, set, you know? So I said, "Cool. What do I have to do?"

"First, you need to help us make a withdrawal from a bank," Swickbog said.

"Huh? I'm not an accountant like my dad."

"We have to ensure continuation of our revenue stream, K-Tron. You will blast your way into a bank vault," Barty said.

I knew that doing a bank job wasn't the right thing. Not to make excuses, but my mind was thinking all wonky because they were giving me a house and everything. I would have to work forever to make enough bank for all that stuff.

*******

Everyone from the Company went across town in our two Global Domination vans to a bank. The lackeys put duct tape over the lettering on the vans. I just walked up to the bank. I was hurting bad from needing to discharge a lot of energy. Once we got there, Swickbog pointed at the spot, and I blasted a big hole through the bricks wall that exploded everywhere in a cloud of red dust, and it melted a cubby hole clear through the side of the metal vault. The whole town had to hear the explosion. I have to say that I even impressed myself. A squad of purple lackeys ran up to the smoking hole. They helped one of the smaller guys squeeze into the hot small hole, so he could start tossing big bags of cash out to the others.

I thought to myself, just one of those bags would really solve my mom's problems. But for some reason, I didn't go for it. I just knew it would go bad if I took any.

"Yes!" Dr. Swickbog was pumped. "Hurry, you fools!" I don't think Sick Frog had a clue about employee morale.

"Hey!" The action stopped as we all heard a woman's loud voice yelling at them. We turned and there were three hot babes standing there like they owned the place, all wearing superhero costumes.

One of them was a large black woman with spray-paint tight, all white spandex and a white cape and white mask. Come to think of it, maybe it was spray paint, not spandex.

Anyhow, she said, "I am Environtrix, and these are my Sistas, Nautiqarella, and Dusty."

Nautiqarella had a blue jumpsuit with dorky fins coming off of her back, arms, and legs, and an uber-dorky mask.

Dusty, a really small woman, maybe five feet short, wore a mashup of a plaid cape, and clothes made of colors not found in nature. She also had large, round goggles, probably from the same stupid web site as mine. To me, her name should have been Yard Sale Babe, or Phashion Apocalypse, with all of the random rags she pr'y picked up laying around on her floordrobe.

Dr. Swickbog said, "Look Professor. It's the Worthless Lassies." Then he tells the women, "There's nothing to see here girls. Now just move along and mind your own business."

That same random kid came by on his bike and took some pictures of the women and us. Everyone stopped and watched him, then he rode off.

Environtrix said, "I have proof that you losers dumped toxic waste down the storm sewer! And we called the EPA!"

Dr. Swickbog said, "That wasn't very nice! Can't you irrelevant interloping idiots see that we are trying to make a transaction here?!"

Nautiqarella said, "Not any longer, you polluting scum are going to jail!"

Dr. Swickbog said, "Nah! I don't think so! Lackeys! Attack!"

Some of the purple team went after the Sistas. Then Dusty raised her arms, and I swear that this massive strong wind that for some reason smelled really good, came and pushed back the lackeys. Lamont was the only one who was not involved in either the robbing or the fighting.

Dr. Swickbog said, "Lamont! Attack!"

"No way," Lamont said. "I ain't fighting them. They never did nothing to me."

Then Swickbog said, "K-Tron! Blast him! And those infernal busybodies!"

I lied to Swickbog, "Sorry, Doc. I'm all out of juice." No way was I going to blast the hell out of those people. Besides, those babes smelled really good. Just sayin'. If anything, I felt like they had a good point. To tell you the truth, I was thinking seriously about blasting Swickbog. Just 'cuz.

Meanwhile, the lackeys, who were not really into beating on those hotties, were starting to lose their skirmish with the superwomen. Anyways, Environtrix was punching lackeys all berserk style. The purple lackeys backed off. The lackeys didn't know why they were fighting the Sistas, or why they were even participating in the robbery. I'm sure they knew that Swickbog would never be good for giving out a bonus, or anything to them, so why try? Or maybe it was that smell that affected them. Dunno.

Malcolm was always trying to make a name for himself. I saw him wrestling Nautiqarella, the fish girl, down to the ground, but she did a reversal on his wimpy ass and put him in some kind of pornographic wrestling position. It was pretty pathetic, on so many levels.

Police sirens were going off in the distance.

"Let's go!" Swickbog said.

One of the lackeys who was at the outside of the cubby hole shouted, "We can't get Molina out of the hole!" Molina's sweaty face was looking out of the hole.

Swickbog said, "That makes no sense, you fools! He got in, didn't he?!"

"Yeabut. . ."

I couldn't believe it, but Swickbog just said, "Leave him!" So we did. What a bastard. Plus it was stupid to leave him there, because Molina probably spilled his guts to the cops about the bank job. Sick Frog was such a moron, for supposedly being an evil genius.

If you listened to Swickbog in the van while we were getting away, we totally lost that battle. But we hauled off a silo full of cash for him. Then we went back to the Corporate HQ and some of the lackeys hurried up to peel the duct tape off of the vans. The others were hauling bags of loot inside. All in all, the bank job was total slop. I don't know why we didn't do it at night. Then everyone hustled into the Global building waiting for trouble.

I was in Swickbog's office with Bartholemew. He got a page from the lackey guard over the intercom. "Dr. Swickbog, the Sistas pulled into the parking lot." Swickbog looked at his closed circuit TV and saw them hop out of their mini SUV. "Really?!" he said. "What the hell?! Are those nosey wenches trying to make a name for themselves?! I've had enough of those meddlers." He went to his closet and pulled out an AR-15 semi-auto rifle. "It's time to take care of this the old fashioned way."

I was scared he was actually going to shoot them. I said, "Why don't you let me take care of it. That's why you pay me, right?"

"Fine. Go for it. Someone actually taking some initiative around here. Remarkable. Off with you!"

So I went to the front door. The glass door wouldn't open. I looked out and saw Dusty holding her arms up again. I don't really want to say she was holding it shut with wind power, but maybe it was just stuck. While I was in there, I started getting another headache from hell. Anyways, after a few seconds, the door opened easily. The air out there smelled really good.

I told them, "Hey! Don't come in here!"

Environtrix said, "We ain't afraid of you!"

"You should be!" I said. "Just go back to your car!"

They kept coming.

"Okay, fine," I said. "Watch this." I did a short energy burst into Swickbog's new blacktop. Chunks of hot asphalt exploded into the air.

The Sistas stopped in their tracks and looked at each other.

"See? You don't want any part of this. Now just go home before somebody gets hurt."

Next thing I know Swickbog comes from behind me pointing the AR-15 at the Sistas. He told me, "I knew I couldn't trust you to finish the job properly. You continually disappoint me K-Tron."

Just then my headache got so bad that I had to grab my noggin with both hands and I doubled over. The pain was so bad I started blowing groceries. Sick as I was, I couldn't help the three women much, but I did manage to blow some chunks on Swickbog's shoes, which was a little more effective at stopping him than you'd think.

Then I heard a loud clank of metal on metal. Someone. . . or something was coming out of the manhole in the middle of the street between me and the women. Those manhole covers are super heavy. I just know, okay.

"What the. . ."

It was the size of a Rottweiler. But it was no dog. It glowed green and had a green mist coming off of it. It was. . .a freaking ghosty super sized nasty ass rat. I realized the rat came from the same area where I dumped the Triple-X. The rat must have slurped up some of the Triple-X. The giant rodent had bugged out eyes were a creepy bright solid green. My headache. . .it stopped and the rat was looking right at me. Now I felt like yacking again because I was so scared of that thing. Then I figured out something. The big green rat had been trying to communicate with me mentally in some kind of big green rat language. I was seeing pictures in my mind, like I could see what it was thinking, I guess. It was telling me telepathically (that's what they call it) that it was about to. . .

Then the big green rat charged at Swickbog who was paralyzed with fear. Before he could get a shot off at the rat, it knocked him back and started mauling him, ripping the flesh off of his neck with its teeth and claws, while the rat's green energy was also burning the messed up body. Blood was going everywhere as Swickbog's arms and legs flailed wildly. His screams stopped and you could hear sickening gurgling sounds. I wish I wouldn't have watched it, since I can never forget it.

After Swickbog's sorry life was over, the big green rat turned looked at me and chattered. It was the scariest thing I had ever been within twenty feet of.

I could tell by the thought patterns I was getting from that rodent, that the chattering was some kind of a language. It wasn't totally clear, but I could tell kinda from the emotion what it meant.

Then it charged at me. I was still frozen. It got on its hind legs and it's face was within inches of me, staring with those weird green eyes. I was shaking totally bad and was about ready to drop. I thought for sure I was going to piss my pants. I was close enough to smell its ratty Triple-X breath, which you would think the stink alone would kill me. But for some reason, you couldn't smell much. I realized my headache was gone after I began to use my brain to mentally send messages on energy waves back to its vermin mind. I got from him that he was proud of his kill. He mauled Swickbog for me, because he knew from my thoughts that I was in trouble. He also mentally told me that he was better than me. I mentally agreed with him and I was just pleading with the rodent not to come after me. He mentally said to stop being so whiney. For real, I ain't lying.

Then the ill looking thing turned his butt ugly self toward the Sistas. I used my brain waves and my mouth to tell it, "No!" The giant sewer rat looked at me and chattered and ran back into the sewer. It's body had to squeeze to get into the manhole. I couldn't believe that wonky thing listened to me.

It took awhile after that before any of us could move. We just stared at each other cuz of the totally random crapfest. Then the Sistas felt as if their work was done at Global Domination and drove off in their mini SUV.

Within minutes both patrol cars of the entire Shanesville Police Department was there. The first thing they did was bitch about the manhole cover. Of course they couldn't put it back themselves, they had to call somebody.

Later, the FBI came and got all the bank's dinero back from Global. The bank filed a civil suit to pay for all of the damage to their branch office. The EPA came and fined Global some major fat stacks for dumping toxic waste down the storm sewer. Several of the lackeys reported Global Management to OSHA for putting them in danger. OSHA agreed that management was all wrong and the people were total victims, and the fined Global millions of dollars. So global had to go bankrupt.

The Fire Marshall and ATFE was at a loss as to how the bank was gotten into. They never believed the story they got from probably Malcolm, that I blew a hole into the bank. They figured it was some kind of bomb Global developed. Forensics didn't show up no bomb. I was not on any bank camera. I didn't fight anyone. So they had no proof that I was involved, and that loitering is not a crime in Shanesville. The lackeys all claimed they were being held hostage by Swickbog, and that they were hostages, since he would kill them if they failed to help him. It didn't hurt that the Sistas told the cops that I stopped Swickbog from shooting them. Sistas never said nothing about the rat.

Sure as crap, I found out the house and car Sick Frog gave me was not in my name, so they were part of the bankruptcy settlement. I never got to stay in that place even one freaking time. Why is it some people get all the breaks and some get all the crap?

Global owed all us lackeys back pay, so we were considered plaintiffs by the court. I got one of the old vans, in my name, but no money.

Anyway, that is how I lost my job. My mom got really scared about money after that, since we had no money coming in. All us lackeys went over to the County Unemployment Office, but they took freaking forever to do anything and that couch potato money didn't amount to squat.

I still didn't know what happened to my dad. I was seriously scared that it couldn't exactly be good. Swickbog was like, so core of an unreal psycho, which is not good for a working relationship. So Sick Frog never did tell me nothing about Dad before he got served by the rat.

I'm serious, you can't make this stuff up. All I can say is that every word is true.

Chapter 4

After all of the trouble with the bank, my mom was not happy with me. She didn't think Dr. Swickbog should have gotten the blame for everything. But I don't understand why she wanted to throw me under the bus. After all, I am her kid, you know. Swickbog was just a janky swickbog.

Finally one day I got up the courage to ask her, "Mom, were you ever kidnapped by a human trafficking ring and given to Dad by Dr. Swickbog?"

"What?! I can't believe you would ask me something like that! Where in the hell did you come up with something so stupid?!"

"Uh. . .Well, you know, you guys never really got along that well, and. . .uh, you are kind of a league higher than him."

"No! When we got married we were totally in love! He did not always look. . .he just let himself go!" Then the waterworks started. "I do want him back! He's gone, and now you have gone totally insane! I have nobody!"

"Mom, I didn't mean. . ."

"I don't want to see you right now!"

All I did was ask a simple question. A simple "yes" or "no" would have been okay. But no, she had to go all ballistic. She goes, "Oh Guy, you're totally insane. Nyah nyah nyah. I have nobody, whah, whah." I figured, screw this, I am going to leave. At this point, I had, maybe a hundred bucks total in my savings. That's it. But you couldn't pay me enough to stay there after that.

I thought about going on the internet and finding out which States give you the most on unemployment, and just going there. But all that seemed like a lot of work. But then I kinda felt bad because I would be leaving Petey and Mom alone.

I really didn't know what to do. I needed to talk to someone. I went into my room and looked at my not-smart phone. I tried to call Lamont, but there was no answer. Some people have real lives to live, the way they want to. Maybe I could call someone else on the list. I scrolled down through the names and thought about each name on there. The smartest guy I knew was Dr. Bartholemew. I never called him before, except to call into work a couple of times, maybe more, on Mondays, when I needed a mental health day. I was desperate though, thinking maybe he could have an idea for me.

"Hello. This is the Bartholemew residence."

"Barty?"

"Yes. To whom am I speaking?"

"Guy."

"Guy? What do you want? I am waiting for an important call right now."

"Hey! How do you know my call isn't important?!"

"Someone is supposed to call me about a job. Are you offering me a job?"

"Yeah. How about the job of fixing my body that you screwed up?"

"Look Guy. . ."

"No! You look! I am asking you as calmly as I can; What happened to my dad?"

"That's not my fault."

"Whatever. Start talkin'."

"Fine. Global had a subsidiary, Global Torments, LLC. They have a theme park down in Orlando, Florida,"

I asked him, "Global owned Walt Disney World?"

"No. You think you could focus for at least a minute? This park was right next to Disney; It's called People's Park or something like that. But, Swickbog sent your dad down there to audit them, because he suspected that lackeys were pocketing some of the gate receipts."

"Dad never reported back."

"No. We figured he quit or something."

"You never checked on him?"

"Evidently Swickbog was not too worried about it."

"He sucks. . . or used to. Why would Swickbog want an amusement park?"

"He believed that putting people on scary rides was fundamentally a form of torture. He thought, what better way of making money that to have customers pay you to torture them? He reasoned that Disney would give the people Mickey Mouse, and Global Domination would give them Mouschwitz."

I went, "Something really seems not right about that."

Then he went, "His idea was to ramp up the torture, make it as bad as possible, so people going to Disney World would come there instead. Listen . . . not to totally blow you off like you are totally insignificant, but I gotta run."

"Whatever. And what about fixing my body? Or better yet; since you know so much about this stuff, why don't you cure my Brother's disease?!"

Barty said, "Here's the thing; The more I get into this, the more complex it gets. There are so many systems in the body that everything must work properly at the same time for the subject to survive. I almost want to think that only an intelligent Creator could design and build a working body, not evolution. But most of us scientific experts know that creationism is just an old myth."

"So what you are sayin' is that you can only screw up people, not fix them?"

"For now, yes."

"Petey don't have time!" I wanted to punch him in the face, which you can't do over the phone. I figured I better hang up before I got into any trouble. I made up my mind that I was going to go to People's Park in Orlando.

*******

That night I started putting my stuff in my van. I never thought I would end up becoming a trunkie troll, but I figured I would never come back to Shanesville ever again.

My mom came outside and started out being all nice, asking me questions, but then got bitchier and bitchier as I put my stuff in the back of the van. I didn't really feel like talking to her, since to her I was so "insane". But I didn't want to tell her I was going to look for Dad, because she would be more sad if I didn't find him. If I found out he was dead like I figured he was, I didn't know if I could tell her or not.

Then all of a sudden I felt this big pain throbbing in my head. "Damn!" At first I thought it was from me thinking too much, or from all Mom's yelling and put downs. Then I realized it was. . .that rat. I said out loud, "Hell no! What now?!"

Mom goes, "What do you mean?" Even though I wasn't talking to her.

I heard a clanking noise. I turned around and saw him coming out of the manhole on the street. I couldn't get away from him. His greenness really showed up at night. Even though I was more used to looking at the rat, it still looked totally hideous. I don't know how something could look any more fugly.

Them Mom saw it. She screamed bloody hell and passed out. At least she didn't crack her skull on the drive or anything.

The rat moved towards me.

I asked him telepathically, what do you want?

The rat goes, Where are you going?

Why?

We're a team. I saved you. You fed me the human.

I did not feed you nobody. I have to go.

I'll go too.

Huh?

I'll go too.

You're not listening.

I'll go too.

Am I not clear to you?

I'll go too. We'll go in the white box.

No.

I'll break the white box, or I'll go too.

"Fine. Damnit." I was sick of this nagging headache, so I opened the back of the white box of a van and he hopped in with all my junk, knocking everything around.

He told me, I'm better than you.

I know. But I hate being schooled by a big fat rat.

I carried Mom back inside and put her on the couch. She finally woke up. She was a little out of it. You could barely hear her. She said, "Don't go."

I almost totally changed my mind. But I figured I had no choice. We needed Dad back so we could get the money coming in again. I didn't want them to throw Mom and Petey out on the street.

We damn near drove into the freaking manhole when we left.

Chapter 5

I told the rat at the beginning of the trip he could not discharge energy inside the van. I kept thinking about that car I torched in front of Palacio del Taco, and us getting flamed. I was pretty sure it understood, but who knows for sure what a giant messed up sewer rat knows.

The van really stank. Kind of a pukish burnt chemical smell. I asked my smellacious telepathic rodent passenger if it could do anything about it.

He said, but not in words you can hear, That the smell is all human smell.

I just dropped it. But I had to drive with the windows down.

This was going to be a long drive, all the way down I-75 to Florida.

Every time the rat wanted to tell me something, I would first get the headache. I told him about it, and that I would name him "Headache". After Headache got my attention, I would ready my mind for the incoming waves. If my brain was ready, it would stop the headache. I guess its kinda like someone using their hand to force open your eyes because you won't open them on your own.

From what I could tell, Headache was telling me that I caused him the same sensation. Oh well. Stinky bastard.

A couple of times I had to get off of I-75 to let Headache get out for some water and to discharge some energy. Since I didn't want anyone to see the big green rat, I would go down a road until I didn't see any cars, then I would find a creek for him to drink out of.

Then I noticed that no matter where I drove, this same car kept following me. I drove all over on purpose. Them stalking us was getting on my last nerve, cuz I could not afford to waste gas on this stupid stuff, with my total lack of cash. So finally I just pulled the van over, someplace in Tennessee, figuring the stalkers would just go around me. But no, the car came up behind me, and stopped. I went ahead and pulled my gloves out of the gauntlet box, just in case. Two guys got out of the car wearing masks and some kind of costume, or uniform. I did not have a good feeling about them, but at least they didn't have guns. One had on a blue hood with a blue mask. He had a black utility belt with pouches all the way around. The other guy, kind of soft looking, had a purple suit with a purple cape. On purpose, I guess. He wore a small crown that looked like it had real jewels. It was something like a tweenage girl would wear. Not a big deal; just sayin'. The blue hood guy walked slowly toward my side of the van with his hands up. I felt my head throb. Of course Headache wanted to know what was going on. I tried not to act as worried as I really was, so Headache didn't go nuts and blow up the van or whatever.

Hood guy goes, "We just want to talk to you, okay?"

"Why?"

"About your super powers. We're not going to fight you, or anything."

I realized they were just a couple of geeks. "Look, super nerd, I'm not a super anything. There's no such thing. I just have a physical problem. Its temporary, I hope."

He puts his hands down like we are friends now and keeps on going, "You're looking at it all wrong. It's not an ailment; its super powers. You gotta get that kind of thinking out of your head. We can help you out."

"Will you jerks quit following me if I talk to you?"

"Yes. I promise."

"Fine. Just don't come too close to the van. I'm serious."

"All right, all right, Rat Master."

"Rat Master? Where did you get that?"

"Don't you know? You're trending number one on Super Human Outfitters."

"Huh?"

Even though I told him not to, he moved close to the van to show me his phone. He said, "That's the web site for a place that sells superhero stuff, like clothes and books, but you can also go there for training. See. . .look; Kung Fu, classes on criminal law, tactics, forensics. . .Thousands of people are on it.

I asked him, "So, why am I on there?"

"You know the Sistas?"

"I know who they are."

"They said they saw you helping rob a bank and that you got off on a technicality. Plus you have a death ray and meta-animal control super powers. That definitely makes you a supervillain."

"What?! I ain't none of that! And I ain't 'Rat Master' either. "

Blue guy kept talking, "Even if you are right about what you say, the perception is that you are a supervillain, and the entire super community will be after you. Especially since you are ranked the number two supervillain."

"That's stupid. But I gotta ask, who is the number one supervillain?"

"That would be one Corpus DeLuxx. They say he can fly and he can throw pure energy missiles."

I went, "That's a bunch of baloney. If that was true, it would have been all over the news already, or at least viral on YouTube."

"You asked me, and I told you. The news media does not think the supers are real, or really believe everything on YouTube. That is why they never report it."

"I don't belong on that list. How do you get me deleted off of it?"

Then the blue hood guy did some more scrolling around on his phone. He totally blew off what I said about getting me off of the web site. "They got pictures of you all over the place. Here's a video clip. It's dark, but you can see it is of you opening the hatch in this van. If you look, you can see the end of the giant rat's tail as it is going in."

"That's just a van like mine." I was still trying to lie out of it.

He expanded the picture with his fingers so the license plate was legible. He showed it to me. "See that? That is this van. There's all kinds of supers out looking for this van. Look, we're not here to out your secret I.D., we just wanted to see if you are already on a team, and if you would join us. "

"Join what?"

"We're the Posse of Pain. We are really trying to find ourselves. So we state in our profile that we are Antiheroes."

"Huh? What's an Anti-Hero?"

"A person who really doesn't go with the flow, is rebellious, but really wants to do good. It's pretty popular. We thought maybe you would consider turning away from evil. So, do you want to join us?"

"I told you, I'm not evil."

He shook his head. "You sure? Hitler didn't think he was evil."

"Now you are comparing me to Hitler?!"

He held up his hand. I hate when people do that when I am trying to say something. "It's just an example. I know you are not Hitler. I was just trying to say. . ."

"I don't really know you guys." Not that I really wanted to.

"I'm the Blue Retaliator. And with me is the Prince of Power."

"Really? The Prince of Power?" That Prince guy had a tiara on. That was not a manly looking crown. Plus, he was wearing purple, with a long cape and mask.

Retaliator goes, "Hey Prince! Come over here! His Grandma also made his suit and named him. She really believes in our cause. It doesn't hurt that she is loaded and sponsors us."

"Prince's grandma pays your bills, huh?"

"Yea, if you join us, we can support you financially, R. M.."

"The name's K-Tron." It was pretty hard not to listen to the guy after they told me that Prince's fat pockets, ching-kwon dough, ATM grandma pays all the bills. I was just about completely out.

"So what do you say, K-Tron? You gonna sign up with us? If we had a guy on our squad with actual super powers, like a death ray, or giant rat control, we would be legit."

"That all sounds good, but my gig is to go to Orlando, Florida. I gotta find my dad."

"No problem. We can all go."

I said, "If I join your Posse. . ."

". . .of Pain," Retaliator said.

"Okay, so if I join your Posse of Pain, will the super community still come after me?"

"They shouldn't."

"What do I have to do?"

"We have to register you on the Super Human Outfitters website and then you just link to our Posse of Pain."

I asked him, "Can you do it for me? All I have is a dumb phone."

"Great! No problem!" Then the Prince and Blue Retaliator started high-fiving and getting all happy. The Blue Retaliator ran around the van. I tried to stop him, but he opened the passenger door to sit next to me and pulled the door shut. Headache started chattering. I told Headache it was okay. Retaliator heard the weird noise and then turned and saw Headache. Blue Retaliator was so scared that he tried to climb onto the dashboard and push the windshield out.

"Relax," I told him. "Headache is a pain, at least to me, but he probably won't hurt you. Didn't I tell you to stay back?"

Retaliator said, "Head. . .head. . .head. . ."

I thought for sure Retaliator was going to pass out like my mom. "Stay with me now. It is okay. Just slowly get out of the van." I didn't have to tell him twice. Then I got out and went to the back to let Headache out.

"Holy crap!" Prince said, after he saw Headache. "No way!" Prince ran around to the door of his car, just in case.

Headache looked at them, then ran down to the creek and was lapping up water. After he got done drinking he sent a bolt from his forehead into the water. Then I sent a bolt into the water. A huge cloud of steam came out of the creek. I told Headache to hop into the hot water and take a bath.

Headache told me to do the same thing, so I got in too.

"O.M.G." Retaliator told the Prince. "Looks like we got us a real superhero and superpet. I always visualized that I would be a superhero on a superhero team. Now it's a reality."

Prince said, "If were gonna be a team, we gotta get used to the rat." So after Headache's bath, they came and got close to him. Everyone seemed to be getting along all right. At least no one had their flesh ripped off of their bones.

Chapter 6

When we left the spot on the back road next to the creek, Blue Retaliator decided that he would ride with me and Headache in the van. Prince followed in his car. Retaliator must have really wanted to majorly annoy me, by risking being in the same van as Headache.

I asked Retaliator, "Not to be brutal, but would you, for real, think that Prince would help you out if somebody attacked you?"

"People give him nonstop crap because of his crown. Never underestimate him. He only wears that tiara because his Grandma wants him to. It's a loyalty thing. Nothing else."

I'm like, "Was I crackin' on him?"

He goes, "No, I'm just sayin'. Anyway, we gotta do something about this van."

"Whaddaya mean?"

"I told you. There are lots of supers out on patrol who could be looking for this van. One of them will find you."

"And cause me trouble, like you did?"

"C'mon. If we are going to be on a team, lets act like it."

"Whatever. Anyway, this van is all I got. They can try and come get it."

"You are a true antihero, but that isn't so smart."

"Whatever." I could tell I was starting to piss him off. I did need to show a little interest in what he wanted, since they were paying the bills. "You might be right about the van. What do you want to do?"

"Just spray paint over that Global Domination emblem on the side."

So then I go, "Word. I'm all over that."

Retaliator pulled a tube of lip greaser out of his utility belt and is wiping it on his lips. I go, "What's that belt, your Retaliator purse?"

Just then Retaliator's phone went off with some kind of Lady Gaga song. He pulled it out of his utility belt and answered it. "What? Okay. . .Okay. . .Okay. . .Okay."

I asked him if everything was Okay.

He went, "Prince called. He said he is being followed."

"What?!"

He goes, "Yea. There's these other guys."

I'm all like, "Sonofa! What other guys?!"

"The Legion of Rednecks. I might have gotten on their bad side, back at the rest area. We met them there. They are also looking for you. They took exception to some of the stuff I said."

I was about ready to throw a mental after that. I didn't know I was going to get in on a feud when with the Legion of Rednecks when I signed on to the Posse of Pain. "How mad are these guys?"

"I'm not sure. All I said was that Rednecks should not be heroes, but villains, since most people think rednecks are racist and suck."

I told him, "I'm guessing rednecks don't like to be called out like that. Do they have guns?"

"Not that I know of. "

"They are real rednecks, right?" Who ever heard of a redneck who didn't have a gun?" I was getting real tweaked.

Don't worry. I looked them up, and they are part of the Justice Confederation."

"Oh I feel tons better now. So do they know you had a supervillain and monster rat join your big bad Posse?"

"Probably not. But you're right. They really won't like that you are riding with us. You know, with your recent supervillain past."

"So it's my fault?"

"I didn't say that."

"That's what those Rednecks think I am, right? A Supervillain?"

Retaliator goes, " I told you. That's what it says on the website. You were the one who robbed the bank, not me."

I looked back at the rear-view mirror. "I can see them behind Prince, back in a blueish rusty pickup. They don't look like a bunch of wimpy dusters. If I was a redneck in the Justice Confederation, I sure as hell would feel the need to take on the Posse of Pain. Especially if one of them popped off to me. We gotta make them suck fumes."

Retaliator said, "We tried that twice already. That old truck can haul ass. Prince will not be able to shake them in his car."

"Nice," I was getting a 'tude. I said. "They already been chasing you. You know what? Let's just go about our business and get the spray paint. If they kick your ass, no biggie. First, I gotta get some gas." Retaliator was way twisted about the idea and didn't want to talk.

So we got off of I-75 at the next exit where there was a bigger town, and sure as crap we found a Mal-Mart right away. We pulled into the Mal-Mart gas station. I started filling it up. Retaliator was getting Mrs. Jenkins's debit card that he went and got from Prince, back at his car.

Next thing I knew, the stupid-ass redneck pickup truck pulled into the gas station. I put my gauntlets on.

The Legion of Rednecks was made up of five guys. They had bib overalls with a t-shirt, a baseball style cap on backwards, and a red bandana covering their faces. Two of the rednecks was at Prince's car, jawing at him about something. Then I saw the biggest Redneck, who I guess was the leader. He was pointing at me, while another one was taking our picture with his phone. I don't get why everyone can afford a better phone than me. Just sayin'.

Then, I saw them shoving Retaliator around, who was trying to pump gas. To me, Retaliator comes off as a wimp.

I walked over to them. "Look, I know Retaliator wants to apologize to you guys."

The Redneck leader said, "Oh look! It's the Rat Master! I see on S.H.O.J.C. where you joined the Pussies of Pain."

Then Retaliator started swinging his fists at them. "I'm gonna kill you assholes!"

I went over and held Retaliator back. "Hey, chill, dude." I asked the Rednecks, "Did we do something to you guys, or something?"

The Redneck biggie goes, "Your jerk leader here, the Blue Rotten Tater, posted some crap about us on the Super Human Outfitters page. That's fine. If he wants to call us out, then he'll have to back it up."

Retaliator said, "I didn't make any of it up!"

I went, "It's just words. None of that is a crime, right?"

He goes to Retaliator, "So what you are sayin' is that you won't back up your own lies? You wimps ain't no superheroes, hiding on the internet! We don't like no posers!"

I told them, "Look guys, were sorry."

Dumbass Retaliator says, "No we're not!"

I be like, "Yes you are! We'll go back on there and change what is says on the website. And I'll take care of Rotten. . . Retaliator. Okay?" I tried to shake hands but they weren't down with any of that.

The big Redneck says, "It's definitely not okay! You losers do not deserve to be superheroes. We need to keep catfish like you out." A couple of the Rednecks were pulling their leader back.

"Come on, let's go," I said. "Enough is enough."

Then the Redneck leader said to Retaliator, "You better retract what you said on the website! We're keeping our eyes on you." He did the whole pointing at his own eyes with two fingers and pointing them back at us thing.

I shrugged my shoulders, and put my hands in the air. Then I go, "There's nothing to see. Really, man. For real."

"I hear there's plenty to see!" one of the Rednecks hollered.

I didn't even see him get out of the car, but Prince got out of his car and went to the back of the van. "Hey! A-holes! I'll give you something to see!" Prince opened the door and Headache was staring at the Rednecks looking like he was overdue for a munchfest.

I yelled, "Prince! No! Shut the damn door!"

They all saw Headache. One of the Rednecks yelled to another one in the back of the pickup, "Lucas! Shoot it!"

I told Headache not to attack, but when he saw Lucas, who was in the back of the pickup, pull out his shotgun, Headache was totally tripping out in the head over the hostile fresh Redneck meat and came charging out. Just as Lucas fired at Headache, Retaliator shoved him, trying to make him miss. The shot missed Headache and went straight into the face of the Prince of Power, who fell dead on the spot. I couldn't believe what I was seeing.

Headache kept running for the Rednecks. He jumped onto the hood of the pickup, and leaped over the cab into the back where the shooter and another Redneck were. He viciously clawed and bit into Lucas, tearing his body into bloody ribbons as the moist bloody wounds cracked and popped from electric rat voltage. Seeing that nastyness made me shiver, but I couldn't freeze up.

Because then the big leader Redneck pointed at me and yelled to another Redneck who was sitting at the passenger's side of the pickup, "Kill that guy! He's controlling the rat! Hurry!"

So the Redneck pulled out a .45 semi-auto pistol and pointed it at me from outside the passenger side window. I blasted him with some intense voltage that melted the windshield and cooked him in his seat. I'll never forget the look on his face. He was unable to scream. The blast shook the truck so hard that it knocked Headache and all of the other Rednecks out of the pickup. The truck was on fire, and the flames were getting closer and closer to the gas pump.

Rednecks were running away and Headache was blasting at them with an energy bolt that was dancing around from one to the other. He put a hole clear through one of them. I finally got Headache to stop zapping. Only two of them got away. I wanted to leave Headache there, but for some reason, I yelled at him to, "get back into the white box!" After he got in, I realized he understood some speaking that was not a telepathic message, or maybe he could understand me thinking about what I was saying. Who knows?

I wanted to leave Retaliator too, but his wimpy ass was already in the van before anybody. I looked back in the rear view mirror and the old pickup was totally burning up once the gas tank ignited. Those Rednecks kept shooting at us as we rolled out. They put a couple of holes into the back window of the van.

As I drove off I could see really tall flames in the mirror. The entire gas station was on fire. After we got away, I grabbed Retaliator around the neck while driving with the pedal to the metal. "See! You idiot! This is not some kid's game! People die! Why didn't you keep your big stupid mouth shut?!"

Retaliator was crying. "I lost my best friend. It's that rat that caused the trouble. We don't need him, or is it a 'she'? What if that thing has ten babies just like it back there?"

"Quit trying to change the subject! Who opened the damn door to let Headache out!? Your friend, who is dead, because of you and your damn mouth!"

Retaliator came back with, "What did I do?! I was minding my own business! Prince was just trying to protect me."

I swatted him in the mouth with my gauntlet. "No he wasn't! I was trying to protect you! Prince was trying to put the hurt onto the Rednecks. Well, you know what?! I can just about guarantee you, that someone is going to kill us! Do you understand what I am saying here!?"

Retaliator sobbed and nodded. "I can't believe we just. . . left him there."

"Screw that! He's dead! I can't believe you just left his car there! That was one sweet ride. I ought to drop you back off there!"

"No. Those Rednecks can have it."

I said, "They will turn us in! What do you think the cops will say, not to mention all of your little internet friends!?"

Retaliator said, "They'll keep the car a secret, so they can keep it."

"Fine! Forget the car!" I was so unbelievably off the hook. "We freaking blew up a gas station! There I was, blasting a guy, who I don't even know, with a death ray or whatever, because he is trying to shoot me! Why!? Why was he trying to kill me?! Your idiot website says I am the 'Rat Master'! I really like how all you idiots think I am responsible for everything Headache does!"

I must have been crazy for hauling that rat around, but I felt like I needed him around now, more than ever. Now I had a headache in my own head, and it wasn't even from the rat. Besides, if I let him go, I would still get blamed for everything he does since I was his controller.

We got out of town and hit the side roads. There was no way I was going to go out on some Interstate Highway that had State Troopers all over the place. My once in a lifetime break came back when Swickbog got the blame for the bank robbery and no one saw me. This time, I knew we would not get away with anything.

I was thinking that I pretty much screwed up the rest of my life.

Chapter 7

That night we managed to hide out in the sticks on some back road of a back road on the side of a mountain in Tennessee. We were all way too freaked out to think about sleeping. I managed to park the van so no one could see the "Global Domination" that we still never got repainted. There wasn't much we could do about the plates. If we pulled them off, we would get stopped for not having them. We had to stay outside the van, because I didn't want someone to be able to surprise us while we were in it. The mosquitoes were horrible. All I got done was swatting them, until I figured out how to make myself into a bug zapper.

Retaliator got a news program on his phone. Like I figured, the Mal-Mart security cam captured most of the action. Everyone and their cousin got a good look at us from all over the internet. It's a good thing it couldn't show our faces.

Retaliator looked at his phone. "I see our status got changed to villains."

"Are you still looking at that silliness! That's all fake!"

Retaliator said, "Really? Were those Rednecks fake? We need to keep up with the intel on Super Human Outfitters, because there's a whole highly motivated superhero army out there looking at it, dying to bag villains and make a name for themselves. The supers are the only ones who believe the reports about us. Most of the civilians who saw the video thought it was totally fake."

Why is it the smarter people are, the less likely they can see the truth about some things? I guess they think all of these supernerds don't know anything, or they just don't like the geeks, so no matter what the spazoids say the brainiacs will not agree with it. Just because someone is weird or different, does not mean they are stupid.

It is so weird how the world works. Every time I do something that should land me in jail, I get off the hook or rewarded. Then when I try to do something good, everyone acts like I am some kind of evil creep. I guess people worry too much about what somebody else thinks instead of doing the right thing. I ain't gonna tell you I know much, but at least I can use my own brain. Why is there so much confusion about what is bad or good? Where does evil and good come from?

My deep thinking was broke up when Blue Retaliator's phone started playing Lady Gaga.

Retaliator was talking on the phone. "Yea. . . It's true. I know. I really don't know what to say. I guess it was more of an accident. . . All right. Thank you. Yeah, the rat is real. Uh huh, he's right here. . ."

I was really not in the mood to talk on the phone. I put up my hand to refuse the call, but Retaliator said I had to.

"Yea."

An older woman's voice came over the phone. "Is this Rat Master?"

"Yea. . .but my name is K-Tron."

"K-Tron; what really happened to the Prince of Power?"

"Who wants to know?"

"His grandmother."

"Oh. . . Uh, sorry about what happened."

"So, what did happen?"

"The Prince went to help protect Retaliator, then well. . . you know. Prince of Power was like, a total hero, you know?"

Then she asked me, "What did that Legion of Rednecks want with you guys?"

"Umm. . . I'm not really understanding all that. Blue Retaliator can explain it a lot better than me."

She went, "I'm very disappointed. . .and sad."

"We are too, but we want to continue the Prince's work."

She goes, "I watch a lot of superhero movies and I really believe in what you are doing. I promised my Grandson that I would support the Posse of Pain, so he could do good in the world. At least I had a Grandson who wanted to make the world a better place."

"Yes Ma'am."

Prince's Grandma said, "What a awful name that Posse of Pain is. Prince said the name had to be scary, so evildoers would back down. But you know he made a deal with me that he would take the name 'Prince of Power', so I said, 'okay' to him joining the Posse of Pain. Anyways, I will keep sending money to Blue Retaliator for now, but if you boys disappoint me any further, that's it."

"Sure. And thank you. You have no idea how important that is to us. Mrs. . ."

"Jenkins. Please don't tell anyone."

"I won't give up your secret identity. I promise. I just wanted to tell you one thing. Mrs. Jenkins, Prince had your crown on, all the way to the end."

There was a long silence on the phone. Mrs. Jenkins said, "Just don't get me into any trouble for giving you money."

"No, we won't"

That night we did get a little sleep, but not really enough. We decided to continue taking side roads as much as possible. Those cow trails went all over, and it seemed like we were getting nowhere. We went to the edge of the road a lot, which was scary because sometimes it was just a straight drop off a cliff. But the way things were going, I felt like driving a little less safely. To be real about it, driving around those roads was still probably more scary than taking on some fake superheroes. But now we also had to start worrying about the cops.

I was surprised that Blue Retaliator was looking at his phone instead of down the side of the mountain.

Retaliator said, "The Arch Citizen says he is forming a small unit tactical operational super detachment. The best of the best to come after us. . .to save America."

"What?! Now we are we a threat to America?!"

"The Arch Citizen likes to hype it up."

"Arch Citizen? He sounds like the Godfather of the poser mafia."

"He's the head of the Justice Confederation. He's kind of a big deal."

I asked Retaliator, "So, who is on our side?"

"I haven't really found anyone yet. There are just the four of us."

"Three of us, right?"

"Oh yea. I forgot to tell you that I added the Invisible Diva."

"Huh? I haven't seen. . .Oh yea, she's invisible."

Retaliator said, "I just made her up, to pad our membership numbers a little bit. That was before you and Headache. Plus some of them will believe she is with us since they are watching the website."

"So, how does this website work? I'm on there as a super villain. Why would you be on there?"

Blue Retaliator got a little P.O.ed with my question, like I was saying that he was not legit, but I didn't care, since I figured I would be mad at him the rest of my life anyhow.

Retaliator said, "There are people on the site we call 'posers', or 'cosplayers', or 'catfish'. They don't do any superhero work, but they like to dress up, trying to make a fashion statement, or something. Then there are people like me and the Prince. We have gone out and done vigilante patrols, and helped the needy. We are the real heroes. Maybe to you we are just actors, but at least we act like we care. Then there are people like you. You have special powers, but you don't really try to use them for good."

I get that Retaliator thinks I am useless, but I had to ask, "You mean there are others out there with special powers?"

"All through history people have reported superheroes. Call it whatever you want. It may be from God, Satan, Aliens, magic, radioactivity, mutation, chemistry, extreme training, or whatever. All I can say is, I have seen a lot of real weird things. If you ask me, I think they are out there. And if there are, we will see it for ourselves soon enough. It's just that people don't want someone to think they are crazy, so they keep quiet about seeing real superheroes."

Then we stopped at a random town in the mountains. We went into the small local hardware store. It was real small, but it had a bunch of different stuff besides your usual hardware. They had Bluegrass Gospel music playing on a sound system.

An old guy with long gray hair and beard was sitting at the cash register staring at us. From the harsh look on his face, I figured he would pull a gun on us. I went around looking until I got some white spray paint, and grabbed some chips. Then we went up to the counter.

The clerk said, "We used to use soap and toilet paper. Never spray paint."

Retaliator said, "Huh?"

The clerk said, "Halloween ain't 'till next month, right?" He picked up the waste basket and spit a long drool of his chew juice into it.

Retaliator said, "These aren't Halloween costumes. They're our uniforms."

The old guy said, "Halloween and lyin'; they're from the Devil."

"I'm not lying. I am the Blue Retaliator."

The store clerk said, "Retaliator, huh? Revenge is of the Devil. It is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord. Romans twelve, nineteen."

"Look," Retaliator said, "This is just paint for our van, okay?"

"Uh huh. If you want a sensible paint job, you could go see my nephew over at the auto body shop. He's real reasonable. But I guess retaliatin' Holloweeners don't really care much for that, do they?"

"This will be good enough. Thanks."

The clerk acted like he was annoyed when Retaliator gave him a credit card. He swiped it and said, "You boys ever thought about what would happen to your souls after you die."

Retaliator said, "Not really, we're just mostly trying not to die."

The clerk was staring and blinking his eyes for some reason. "Well then you probably ought to be thinking about your souls right away. You know Jesus is the sinless Son of God and paid for all your sins on the Cross. We all got 'em. Sins, that is. You need Him, and from what I can tell, right quick. You ought to seriously think about accepting Him ASAP."

"No thanks, I'm good," Retaliator said.

"You're never good enough. You need Jesus if you want to go to God's Heaven. We all do."

"Thanks, but I'll just be happy with the paint."

We hurried up and got out of there.

After we left the store, I told Retaliator, "What were you thinking telling that guy your name?! The cops will figure out where we are!"

Retaliator said, "I know. I shouldn't have said anything. He just kind of pissed me off."

We drove a ways and pulled over the van. We got out and I shook the spray can. I asked Retaliator, "What did you think about what that guy said back there?"

"You mean that hilljack Jesus preacher? He was really getting on my last nerve. Getting all personal."

"If he believes what he is saying, then he probably feels like he ought to say something to us."

Retaliator was shaking the paint can, and started painting over top of the Global Domination, LLC.

I said, "I don't know. Maybe he's as serious about what he thinks about Jesus, the same way you are about superheroes. You both think each other are too weird and crazy to listen to. What if you are both right?"

"I don't know why you are so worried about it. Just forget it." Retaliator kept painting. He didn't say anything else. The new white did not match the original at all and looked tacky as hell. The paint job got worse after he saw that it was going to take multiple coats of the cheap paint to cover the black lettering.

I asked Retaliator, "How do you know who is good and who is evil on that Super Human Outfitters website?"

"I don't know, we just more or less talk about people and form a consensus on who don't act like heroes. After so many say you are a supervillain, it gets locked in and I can't change it."

I was still really confused. To me, God made the world and He ought to know straight up what is good and what is evil. That store guy used the Bible as his guide. At least he had something to go by. Regular people don't really know what is right, so they do whatever they want, or they follow someone who looks cool and sounds smart. I was pretty sure the consensus thing was all wrong.

So we got the van painted up. All kinds of white. Headache was giving me a ratgraine.

"Hey! I felt that!" Blue Retaliator said when Headache's mental energy pulse accidently hit his head. "That does smart, like you say. I can't feel any thought waves, though. It would be cool if it did."

"You gotta have the power to understand him, I guess," I told him. "Headache is hungry. We should stop and let him hunt around."

So we pulled over and I let him out and he took off into the woods who knows where. He was gone a long time. Maybe an hour. We discussed whether we should hide our uniforms since the van was painted, but we still had the plates and didn't want to be on the internet without our masks. So we decided to keep them on. I wasn't too sure if I could control the electricity without my special uniform anyhow.

Headache was starting to worry me, but at the same time, not. I could ditch Headache, ditch the van, ditch Retaliator, and ditch my uniform, and hoof it to Florida as a free man. But it was still a long walk to Orlando. I remembered what Mom told me once; you have to be a friend to have a friend. Maybe I should try a little harder to be a friend right now, even to this blue pain in the ass, and maybe things will start working out better.

Eventually, Headache came back and wanted back into the van. I looked around like always, and didn't see anybody watching. No kid on a bike or anything. We figured it would be best if we got back on the road to Florida. But still not on the main roads.

Retaliator made the comment, "Maybe we should go to Mexico instead."

I asked him, "Is that what a superhero would do?" Which, even though I asked him that, I knew the right answer was no.

Chapter 8

We crossed into Georgia. The south is a lot more green and hilly than the north. Just in case you were wondering about that. Anyhow, everything went okay for awhile.

We got hungry and I saw my favorite place for scarfage, Irish King, home of the McWhopper sandwich. We pulled into the drive thru, and ordered over the intercom. It was nice and private, with no one looking at us. It was a lot better than going inside. Headache got excited when we got there so I ordered him a couple of McWhoppers with extra bacon. Retaliator ordered something nobody usually orders, so naturally when we got to the window, the girl told us to pull ahead. So we sat there waiting. It seemed like it was taking forever.

"It's a trap!" Retaliator pointed at the cop car that was pulling into Irish King. "She called the cops on us!" Headache was getting excited because of all of the yelling, giving me a headache.

I said, "That's like, ironic. Literally."

"Ironic?"

"Yeah. Literally."

"No, it ain't! C'mon! Let's go! Hurry up before the cop comes around!"

Then the girl brought our bag out and said, "Here's your order, sir. Sorry for the wait." She smiled and said, "Nice costume."

"Thank you," I said, wiping sweat from my forehead.

Retaliator can be such a dumbass sometimes; getting excited over nothing. So then I put the car back into park and handed Headache his McWhoppers. "Don't make a mess."

Retaliator said, let's go eat somewhere else.

So we left and went to a shopping center parking lot. There were no cars there at all. Evidently all the stores were out of business. We sat there for awhile eating. I had some crankable metal tunage on the radio.

Retaliator said, "This is more like it. Hey do you hear something?"

"Huh?"

"Turn that radio down! Listen!"

"Yeah. Maybe a big ugly green rat getting all over his McWhopper."

"No. Like a buzzing sound or something."

"I used to get that with the medication they had me on."

"No! Listen! "

"How can I listen if you don't shut up?" I asked him.

Next thing I know, this random drone helicopter thing was right in front of our windshield, just hovering, pointing a camera right on us.

"Blast that thing!" Retaliator yelled, getting Headache all excited again.

By the time I got my gauntlets on and hopped out of the car and it flew way up into the air. I sent a bolt up at it, tracking it until I finally hit the thing. It quit buzzing and dropped straight down onto the parking lot quite a ways away from the van. I went over to pick it up. It had to be worth something, I figured. I got over to it and looked back. It was a couple hundred feet away from the van.

Then I heard a black SUV with its thumpy music rolling towards my van from the street. It just looked like trouble with its gold grillz and silly-ass spinning rims. I thought it was ironic and I thought about just blasting it before anything else bad could happen. The SUV pulled up next to the passenger side and some people dressed in all black with black hoods got out and opened the passenger door to my van. Two of them grabbed Retaliator and started punching him. He struggled to fight back. I ran toward the fight. Two more, dressed the same way, hopped out of the SUV. I sent an electric bolt out of each hand at them. They flew back about ten feet on their asses, and their clothes were smoking. I hoped right then that they were not dead. There was another one who hopped out, a hot babe with some booty. I was out of energy to blast her cuz of using the helicopter bolt and the double shot on the two guys.

"Kuno'nisha! No!" One of the guys fighting Retaliator said, but she didn't listen to her teammate, like most fighting women, and kept coming right at me.

I really didn't give a crap whether or not she is a girl. I swung at her face with my heavy gauntlets, but she dodged it like she saw it coming a mile away. She was real fast. Then she kicked me in the side. That freaking hurt bad and I doubled over. She kicked me again and I went down. I used my telepathy, Headache! Get your lazy ass out here and attack!

Sure enough, he got past the seat and came out of the passenger door. I saw the two guys hauling off Retaliator with a gun to his head. Retaliator was looking like they knocked him out. Headache was in too much of a hurry to worry about Retaliator, and ran right towards me. The girl in black was kicking me like a bad habit. Headache ran up to the girl and whipped his long tail at her. The tail snapped on the back of her head like a whip, along with an electric crack. She went down like a wet wash rag, totally out of it. I struggled to get up and looked around. The two guys were still laying there. Oopsies. Looked like I overdid it. The girl was moaning. The SUV was pulling away. . . with Retaliator.

Headache had his paws on the girl. He told me, I kill this one.

No, I told him. We can give them the girl and they can give us back Retaliator.

Headache said, That makes no sense. They will kill him anyway, so I will just kill this one.

No, I said. We have to try.

Headache told me, I am better than you.

Maybe.

Headache kept chattering, telling me he thought doing a deal was stupid. He was not happy,

Those two guys moved the SUV and Retaliator in front of one of the big empty stores and went in.

I could hardly move from the beating I got. I told the girl, "Hey! Wake up!" I made up my mind right then, that no one without super powers was going to ever put the hurt on me again like she did. I should have just blasted them all right out of the box.

The girl started to come around. She was still a little googley-eyed. "Wha. . . " Headache got into her face and she came back to earth real quick. She tried to get away from him by crawling on her back. She was really breathing heavy with all that giantglowinggreenratophobia.

I told her, "That's the way people usually act around him." He probably won't kill you, but. . . you know. Of course, it would be a shame if my kidnapped friend got killed cuz you would end up being my mousey friend's dinner. He did have a very light lunch." She couldn't talk. I helped her up. I looked into the SUV and the idiots left the keys in it. "Get into the SUV. Put the seatbelt on." She did it, then I also got into their SUV. Headache had a confused look on his face, but then he got in and kept his face inches from the girl. I put on my seatbelt. I drove away from the store. Then I turned around toward the store. Then I put the pedal all the way to the floor and started heading into the front of the store, which was made out of some sheet metal and some big glass windows. The girl was screaming. I hit that damn store going about fifty and we crashed into the inside of the store. After the SUV slid inside, we ploughed through a checkout lane, then a pile of old store shelves and eventually slowed down. The SUV was totaled. I really didn't give a crap, cuz I was really sporting a nasty 'tude. After I got the air bag out of the way, I went around to the passenger side and unbuckled the girl and drug her out of the van. I didn't know where they took Retaliator off to, cuz it was dark in there 'cept for where the big-ass hole was that I put in the front of the big store. But I was pretty sure they knew where I was. I yelled so they could be sure to hear. "Hey assholes! I got your girl here! Give me back the Blue Retaliator, you get her back, and we can call it a day!"

"No way!" One of them said from somewhere. "The Ninjas of the Duuurty South do not negotiate with terrorists!"

"Say what?!" I said. "Okay, then. What about this?!" I was able to zap Kuno'nisha with enough power that she could feel it. Her body had seizures and she jerked around on the floor. She screamed real loud for them to hear.. "Okay, how about now?"

The Ninja yelled, "Naw, man! Torturing her will not make us change our minds! Torture her all you want!"

So I zapped her again.

She rolled around some more and screamed, "Stealthfist! You ne-go-shi-ate, right now, damnit!"

Stealthfist yelled back, "No way! Negative!"

Kuno'nisha yelled back at them again, "Look, you son of a bitch! I'll beat you so hard your kids' clothes will be out of style by the time you get done rolling!"

"It's against Ninja Policy!"

She went, "I'll beat you so bad, it will be my supervillain origin story!"

Stealthfist yelled. "Not happening! Final answer!"

Headache told me to stay where I was, and he would be back.

None of this was working, so I decided to try something different. I didn't have too much energy leftover so I tried to place the tiny electric bolts on certain strategic sensitive parts of her body that would have the most effect.

Kuno'nisha started moaning. Instead of rolling around, she was stretching and holding her arms and legs open with her eyes shut. The electricity caused her to arch her back and bring her knees up. She acted like she was really in pain, I guess. She was moaning louder and louder. She's kind of a loudmouth, in my opinion.

Stealthfist yelled, "Hey! What's going on over there?!"

"I'm punishing her, real bad!"

I kept it up and she yelled, "No! No! Yes!"

I guess she wanted him to negotiate.

"Okay!" Stealthfist yelled. "I'll negotiate! Just stop whatever you are doing!"

Kuno'nisha said, "Stealthfist! I am gonna kick your damn ass! Now you want to negotiate! Why is that?!"

It almost sounded like she was madder at him than at me. Then, some of the florescent lights were randomly going on and off over by where Stealthfist was. I heard a giant ratzilla screech coming from over there. You could see overhead reflections where electric flashes were coming from Headache zapping the Ninjas. I started running over there, leaving my disabled hostage. Stealthfist and the other Ninja was screaming in fear of Headache and the pain he was serving.

When I got over there, it was not pretty. Stealthfist and that other random Ninja were a bloody freaking mess. Headache had ripped them apart monkey-style. Headache was there licking Blue Retaliator on the head. Retaliator was holding his head with both hands. I really didn't understand until then, that Headache had actual feelings for us. Not to dis' him, but I just thought he was a damn dirty sewer rat.

Then Retaliator patted Headache on his butt-hideous head. "Thanks, buddy."

Headache told me, I'm better than you.

Retaliator said, "Quit that psionic yacking, guys! My head is already killing me!"

Then Headache got up on his hind legs and looked up at the ceiling. He sent an energy wave to light up all of the lights in the whole store for a couple of seconds. He was just playing around and showing off.

I said, not telepathically, but in human talk, "I know. You are better than me." I have no idea how he learned to do that, but once I get some extra energy to waste, I wanted to try it out someplace.

Retaliator has a hard time focusing on the mission. He was going through a pile of junk in the store. "Hey. Look at this," he said. "It's some kind of green lantern. It's real weird, like maybe from a meteor or something."

"So?" I axed him, "What good could that piece of crap be? We need to get out of here." He wastes more time on stupid stuff.

Chapter 9

"After our fight out in the parking lot," Retaliator said, "Those Ninjas were talking in the store. They were trying to stall, because the whole Justice Confederation is going to come after us. We gotta get out of here."

"Okay," I said. "This is never going to end, is it?"

Retaliator said, "I don't know why you didn't wreck the van, instead of the SUV. No one would have known it was us for quite awhile in that SUV. You really don't make sense."

"Hey! All my stuff was in the van! You don't make sense!"

Retaliator said, "You and Headache gotta quit killing people!"

"Then tell them to quit attacking us! Come on, let's get out of here. Like you're the expert all of a sudden."

We ran out of the messed up store and got into the van. Those guys I zapped were laying dead out on the pavement. Not good. As we pulled away, we saw Kuno'nisha come out and yelling at us to come back. I know she for sure probably definitely wanted to maybe pay me back.

Retaliator pulled a pistol out of his utility belt and put it into the gauntlet box. "This could come in handy."

"Get rid of it," I said. "I don't do guns."

"You don't need to! You can shoot thousands of volts of electricity out of your hands! Like, you are so non-violent! No! No damn way am I giving it up! You might be cool with me getting beat on, but I'm gonna protect myself! Period!"

I didn't say anything more about it, but Retaliator doesn't come off as a responsible gun owner. Just one more thing that would probably end all wrong.

Now the whole Justice Confederation was coming after us. I really did not want to fight anyone. All these superheroes kept coming at me and my friends. Retaliator was wrong about one thing. I was not cool with him getting beaten up, and I didn't want to hurt anyone. It's not my fault that I didn't know how to control the voltage.But I guess I would rather see Retaliator shoot someone, than to have them shoot him. I asked Retaliator, "How come some of these groups in the Justice Confederation are packing guns?"

"I don't know. I think it's against the rules, but this is kind of a different war now."

I said, "I thought the Justice Confederation were all good guys who randomly beat up people who don't follow their superhero rules. I guess the real laws are just suggestions."

"It's not that way. . .and it's not 'random', anyhow. It's their choice who they beat up. Not everything that happens is random, you know."

I go, "Earth to Retaliator. I still don't see how they think they are good and I am bad."

Retaliator said, "Well, you don't use correct English. But thanks for coming back for me. They were going to hurt me bad."

I told him, "Anyhow, we ain't doing any more stopping until we get to People's Park. Every time we stop, you get us into some kind of trouble."

We spent a lot more time arguing about who's fault everything was while we were riding in the car. We only had to stop for gas one more time before we got to People's Park in Orlando. So we pulled in to a gas station. Retaliator put in his charge card in the slot at the pump and pushed some buttons, then took the card back. Then he went inside to get a snack. I told him, "Don't cause any problems." I made up my mind that this time I was not going to get into any fights, or start the gas station on fire.

I look over at the pump next to me, and see this big Hawaiian looking guy is pumping gas. He had a lot of piercings and some colorful clothes. I kept my eye on him. He tried to act like he didn't see me, with my uniform and all, but I knew better. "Hey!" I said to him, "So, you gonna start chucking pineapple bombs at me over here or something?!"

"Wha. . ." He was acting like he was totally innocent. "Not really. You think I'm Hawaiian, don't you? I'm not even a Hawaiian, and I still think that's offensive!"

"What then?! You think your political correctness will stop me?! Huh!?" I warned him, "I'll be ready!"

He stopped pumping his gas and ran away like a little baby. Problem solved.

When Retaliator came back out to the van, I told him, "I stopped another attacker."

Retaliator was shaking his head. "You mean that big guy who was telling the manager that you threatened him?"

"Probably. He seems kinda wimpy. He was even afraid to admit he was a Hawaiian."

Retaliator said, "Just in case you did something totally wacked out, we better hurry up and get out of here."

I told him, "At least no one kicked your ass this time. That's a new record. You got a streak of one started."

"Yeah, thanks," Retaliator said, "That was literally ironic."

"No it wasn't."

Retaliator said, "I give up, why wasn't it?"

"There was no literal iron involved."

"So you think. . .Never mind."

We were tired, and it was a quiet ride the rest of the way. Later in the day we finally made it to People's Park. There was a big sign out front, "Welcome Comrades. Total Fear Will Clear Your Mind." There were red stars on the sign with a hammer and curved sword of some kind. The park was surrounded by two rows of barbed wire fence. Inside, there was lookout towers, and buildings here and there, but no rides or no customers. Retaliator saw a ticket booth. There was a sign on it. "CLOSED FOREVER".

Retaliator said, "Bad news, K-Tron. The park is closed. There are no rides, no customers, no nothing. Not really a big surprise, since it looks like a concentration camp, and its right next to the happiest place on Earth."

I couldn't believe it. We came all this way, and no park. Where the hell was my dad? Then I knew I would not be able to make my mom happy. Once again, I felt like a total useless failure.

Retaliator said, "How come you didn't check to see if the Park was still in business?"

"Why would I!? My dad was not home yet! Why would I think the Park is closed if he didn't come home!?"

"Okay, okay," Retaliator said, "I don't know, okay? Hey, maybe we can still find out where he is. Let's see if there is someone around here with some information."

I ain't gonna lie. I don't care what nobody said, I was seriously disappointed.

"K-Tron!" Retaliator yelled. "Look!"

Another damn helicopter drone.

"Get it!" Retaliator yelled.

This time I knew better that to use all my energy taking out that expensive toy. I had to have enough spare energy for a battle. I aimed with a small burst, and on about the third try it came down.I ran back and got into the van. I spun the wheels on the loose gravel in the parking lot and drove farther into the Park to find a good place to defend from.

Chapter 10

We were sitting in the van with a building behind us to help block attackers. We were waiting to see who our next freakish haters from the Super Human Outfitters Justice Confederation website would be.

Retaliator asked, "What day is it today?"

"I dunno. Check your phone."

He checked it. "Friday. That's what I thought. Because on Tuesday, I texted Mrs. Jenkins for an advance on our allowance, and she texted back 'wtf?' I was a little taken aback by that, so I called her up. She said it meant, 'can you wait 'til Friday?'" He started laughing for some reason.

I told him, "I don't text much. Hardly ever."

Retaliator was looking at his phone. He said, "Maybe we should leave People's Park, because according to this, we could expect a flash."

I said, "A Flash? You mean a guy like the fast red one from DC comics?"

"No. He's fake, okay? Us here. . .right now, we are real. I mean a flash mob of superhero wannabes."

I told Retaliator, "You know, pretty soon we won't be able to go anywhere in the Country, because. . ."

WHAM! Something hit Retaliator's side of the van so hard that it shook the whole van. Headache was going crazy.

Retaliator looked at his side mirror. "What the. . ."

"Yeah!" I said, "You were busy looking at that stupid phone again!"

Then Retaliator got out of the van. So then, I got out of the van and went around to the back in case I needed to let Headache loose, but I noticed I had the van too close to the building to get the back door open.

There was this guy with a ski mask type hood with a beard swinging a heavy chain with a small ironic boat anchor on the end of it. He was wearing a shirt that had the name, "Loonatik" on it. He was a pretty strong guy to be able to swing the anchor that was on that heavy chain. Anyhow, Retaliator was standing there holding two extendable steel rods that he pulled out of his utility belt.

Loonatik swung the anchor around and around over his head like a helicopter. He said, "Evil can never win! We. . . will. . .stop . . . you!"

Retaliator said, "We are not evil! We are not the ones you should be fighting!"

Loonatik goes, "Your Jedi mind tricks won't work on me!"

Retaliator said, "Huh? No! You gotta stop this and tell the others!"

"Never! Let me guess, you are the misunderstood type, right? The supervillains always say that!"

"Come on! I'm serious," Retaliator said. "Somebody is going to get hurt here with that thing!"

"That's the idea!"

I went around the van and stood there watching. Retaliator was standing just far enough away so he didn't get hit. He waited for the right moment, and then once after the anchor passed him he quickly jumped in and started whapping Loonatik all over with his steel rods. Loonatik dropped the chain and took a hell of a beating and cussed up a storm. The anchor slammed up against the building. Then Loonatik ran away leaving the chain. Retaliator chased him and hit him on the back a couple more times. Then Loonatik outran Retaliator and got away.

Loonatik was screaming and saying, "I'll be back!"

I know it sounds unbelievable, but Retaliator actually took out an enemy. You can't make this stuff up. Then Retaliator came back to the van.

"Good work, Blue Retaliator."

"Thank you, K-Tron."

I said, "Looks like our work is done here, thanks to you. Everything is good now. I think we should go."

That boat anchor left a huge dent in the side of the van. I was just thinking to myself about that hillbilly body shop back in Tennessee doing some body work.

Then the stupidness just got real again. A Humvee pulled into People's Park.

Retaliator said, "Looks like we got another random ironic situation here."

"Literally," I said. "I couldn't have said it any better myself."

The Humvee came within fifty yards of us and five people got out.

A fat guy with a ponytail started walking towards us. He had on a long black cloak. He kept coming towards me until he was uncomfortably close. "My name is Wormwood. We are the Protection Patrol. We are here to cease your criminal activities."

I told Wormwood, "Look. No offense, but we don't want any trouble with you people, on account that we are not doing any criminal activities."

Wormwood goes, "Then you must renounce your past criminal offenses, and allow us to escort you to the Police Station."

"That is not going to happen. In the first place, our only crime is defending ourselves against the Justice Confederation. I am here, like, just looking for my dad."

Wormwood says, "Then, what about the dead Ninjas of the Duuurty South? We know you had something to do with that."

"We were only defending ourselves. I never meant for anyone to die."

"Doh!" Retaliator tells me, "Quit talking!"

Wormie says, "What about the gas station and the dead Rednecks?"

"That was an accident."

Retaliator said, "Does he listen? Nooooo."

Wormwood goes, "Then you should go to the Police and explain it. I'm sure they would understand you are an equal opportunity killer."

"I told you, numb nut, they wouldn't understand! Now please, just leave us alone!"

Wormwood said, "Back there are my associates of the Protection Patrol; Honey Badger, Projecto, Pink Arrow, and Epik. We are the chosen ones; selected by the Arch Citizen to bring you in. Do you really think you have a chance against us?"

I said, "I love my chances. But you people gotta stop attacking us. Otherwise, we will defend ourselves, and more clowns will get hurt."

Wormwood raised his arms, "Then I must prophesize your doom for your crimes against humanity!"

I guess that was a signal for the others to start running towards us. Retaliator started whapping Wormwood with his extendable steel rods. Wormwood went down without swinging a fist. I ran to the passenger door to let Headache out. I knew it was a mistake to do it, but less of a mistake than getting tore up by those annoying do-gooders.

The Pink Arrow, a fairly hot woman dressed in all pink shot an arrow at Retaliator who knocked it aside with his steel rod. That was really fortunately bizarre. Even Retaliator was surprised that he did it. But he didn't figure he could do it again so he started running to the back of the van.

Then a freaking giraffe ran by. Headache shot some lightning at it. The electric bolt went straight through the giraffe like it was a ghost. Like the giraffe was not even there. It was weird how Wormwood never mentioned the giraffe ghost, but he mentioned Projecto, a Las Vegas Elvis looking guy who was just standing around doing nothing. Whatever.

I heard Retaliator yell, "Invisible Diva! Get the Honey Badger!"

I turned around and saw the crazy nastyass Honey Badger. He's a buff looking guy. He had a skin-tight, brown uniform with a wide white stripe that went all the way from his back straight over the cowel on top of his head to his eyes. That Honey Badger would have clocked me from the back but he stopped to look for the Invisible Diva. He looked wherever I was looking. Who looks for someone invisible? Anyhow, when he finally charged at me, I put such a legendary smack down on his face with my gauntlet, that his grandchildren would feel it. He went rolling back. If I can punch him like that, I knew he must be really super slow.

I turned to see what was going on, but then I hear the big doofus behind me say, "Honey Badger don't care!" That stupid Honey Badger had hopped back up and was ready for more. You think he cares? No. That stupid Honey Badger gets back up and comes after me again.

So I shocked him a good one and he went back down. I looked and Epik, a skinny guy wearing only long shorts and a do-rag was feeding the Blue Retaliator a knuckle sandwich. Blood was coming out of his mouth. I could tell by the marks on Epik's chest that Retaliator had gotten his licks in on him.

You could tell that Headache knew that he couldn't shock Epik, or Retaliator would feel it too. So Headache charged in for the direct kill. Just then an arrow hits Headache in the assquarters and he started spinning in circles trying to catch the arrow. No lie, that looked really stupid.

I sent a shocker at that pink beyotch, who was standing way back. She went down. Her uniform was smoking. Bam. Done.

Next I went for Epik. I had him cornered next to the van, but that dude was some kind of a freak of nature, and somehow jumped real fast and pulled himself up on top of the van and flipped completely over it to get away. I never saw anyone move like that.

I figured it was time to get out of this stupid People's Park while the Protection Patrol was all licking their wounds and before the flash mob shows up. So I told Headache to quit running around like a dumbass so I could pull out the arrow. That thing was in pretty deep, but he screeched a terrible sound and acted like he was going to bite me as I wiggled it out. Then I loaded Headache and Retaliator in the van. I had no idea where to go after that jacked deal.

Next thing I know is that I am knocked on the ground. Honey Badger hit me so hard that he literally knocked the snot out of my nose, and was on me, beating on me like a drum with his fists. He is yelling in my ear, "Honey Badger don't care!" That freaking Badger got back up from being shocked. You think he cares? No, he does not.

So I go, "I'll make you care!" I was able to put another shock at him and he rolled back off of me. I doubted if he was dead, but I wasn't too sure about the Pink Arrow was ever getting back up from that earlier attack.

As we got in the van and were getting away from that crapstorm, Wormwood was waving his arms up at the sky, prophesying more doom on us, like he was really doing some kind of miracle or something. What a cosplayer fanboy. Maybe he should have predicted his deodorant would wear off, then everyone would know he would always be right.

Chapter 11

The Blue Retaliator was in the back of the van tending to his battle wounds. Headache was having some kind of a seizure. Probably all this change to his body was going to slowly kill him. I didn't exactly feel so good myself. Now I get where the name, "Posse of Pain" comes from, cuz that's all I've had since I joined.

We got out of People's Park, and I was driving north, up Interstate 75. FOOOM! A big fireball exploded next to us in the other lane. It caused me to swerve the van and almost go off of the road. The swerve caused Retaliator to smack his head a good one on his window and Headache was giving me all kinds of telepathic rat hell.

I looked out the back window and this big, some kind of robot vehicle that had legs like a chicken and was running behind us, back a quarter mile. I didn't have no idea what that thing was all about, so I yelled at Retaliator. "Hey! What's that thing behind us?!"

He looked out the back. "Oh hell no! It's the Battleturkey! We're totally screwed now! Stop so we can get out! Now!"

"Okay, okay! I'm stopping!" I ain't gonna lie. There was nothing that was not scary about that robot turkey that spit out missiles. We got out of the van as fast as we could. Headache almost ran over us getting out.

KAFOOOM! Another rocket from the Battleturkey destroyed the white van and all my stuff into a million pieces. Hot pieces of van and my stuff went everywhere. Really? How does somebody get a big fast killer chicken robot suit like this? I never wanted something so badly in my whole life as one of those robots.

Retaliator was standing there like a frozen wimp on a stick who wanted to die, shooting his puny pistol at the charging Battleturkey, but the bullets were just bouncing off. Then the Battleturkey started shooting a heavy machine gun at us. One hit from that thing, and we would have been a pink mist. That thing had awesome firepower. But it missed. Then an 18-wheeler semi tractor trailer rig barreling down the road hit the Battleturkey on its side and sent it rolling off the road. You'd think that would destroy the thing, but no, it didn't. The truck kept going too, believe it or not.

"Run!" Retaliator yelled.

So we took off down the side of the Interstate Route 75 as fast as we could. We had to run down a slope, which you might as well say we rolled down it, going crazy, trying to get away. Next thing we know, Battleturkey is getting itself up and is staring down at us. Headache sent one hell of a bolt at it. Nothing happened. Then I tried the same thing. Nothing. Anyhow we took off running again while we had the chance. Pretty soon, Battleturkey was shooting the heavy machine gun again. Then it was moving again. I figured we were in some real trouble now. Again.

Battleturkey kept gaining on us. I was about done running. No matter what we ran through that thing kept coming. It went up another hill without slowing down. It walked all over a decent sized tree, just busting it up. It was so close that we could feel the ground shake from it stomping after us. So I turned around trying to put together one last blast on the big turkey. All I could get was a sputter of electricity out of my hand, only enough that might power a doorbell.

I saw a guy with a buzz cut, smoking a cigar, sitting at a seat inside of the Battleturkey behind some glass. He talked into a microphone and it came out over a loudspeaker. "Get down! I am making a citizen's arrest!"

I just fell on the ground like he wanted. Retaliator stood there. I know he was thinking about making a run for it. I didn't have the energy to try and stop him, but I knew he would be turned into sausage if he went for it. Headache has no idea about what surrendering is. He ran between Battleturkey's big turkey legs and tried to gnaw on his ankles. It was extremely sad, we were done for sure.

Battleturkey said again to Retaliator, "Get down, I said!"

"Screw you, bitch!" Retaliator said, like an idiot. Next thing you know, Retaliator says, "Great. Look who's here!" He went down to his knees.

The Protection Patrol pulled up in their Humvee. They all got out, including Pink Arrow with the big scorch mark on her uniform. At least that was one less count of homicide they would have against me. I started to wonder if Florida had the death penalty.

Then this jet rocket missile sound came towards us. It wasn't from the Battleturkey. Louder and louder. Then it just stopped all at once. I looked up. I couldn't believe it! A guy was right overhead floating there!

The Blue Retaliator shouted, "It's Corpus DeLuxx!"

"Yes, it is I, Corpus DeLuxx," the floating dude said.

I know this sounds totally messed up, but every word is true. I'm serious. Corpus DeLuxx was like, literally hovering right above us. That guy could fly, and was just hovering right above us, easier than when I try to tread water in the pond across the street from our apartment. I have no idea how he did it. He had on a red jump suit with a black cape, with a big yellow fist emblem on it. No mask or hood, just dark sunglasses with a strap in back. He was too badass to have to hide his face, I guess.

Corpus DeLuxx said, "Back off, wimps! These guys are with me!"

I wasn't sure where we were supposed to back off to, until I saw Retaliator smiling. DeLuxx wanted the Battleturkey and the Protection Patrol to do the backing off, not us.

I asked Retaliator, "Ain't he that the number one supervillain?"

"Yep." Retaliator was all happy.

"And he is for real on our side?"

"Yeah. Cool, huh?"

Somehow I just knew this was not going to be as cool as Retaliator thought, but we both got back up off of the ground.

Wormwood started prophesying that the Protection Patrol would leave. DeLuxx was out of range for Pink Arrow. Honey Badger and Epik had no long distance way to attack DeLuxx. They all started getting back into the Humvee.

Woooosh! Battleturkey sent a missile right at Corpus DeLuxx. He easily dodged it in the air, but it was somehow able to track him. It did a U-turn in the sky and was coming back at him again. Just like the movies, Corpus flew towards Battleturkey and the missile came right back at the guy who shot it. It almost hit the big steel bird but exploded a big crater on the ground. Headache didn't like all that noise much, but there was not much he could do about it. Battleturkey tried to get away and Corpus was making, like these bright red balls of energy like you make a snowball and then throwing them at Battleturkey. The energy balls exploded on the Battleturkey armor, but didn't do any damage. The big turkey was running away.

"Run chicken!" Corpus said, as he landed by me. He waved Battleturkey off and said, "He isn't worth my while anyway."

"Mr. DeLuxx!" Retaliator said, "I am so honored to meet you, Sir!"

DeLuxx lifted up his sun glasses. "Cool. Hey, that's quite a few of them against you guys. I see they torched your van up there on the road."

Retaliator said, "Yeah, but you really showed them!"

DeLuxx said, "No big deal. I've had a few run ins with those types. They're just kind of annoying. Say, why don't you people just come with me?"

Somehow, I just knew I was making another bad decision, but what choice did I have? "Sure, why not?" I said.

Retaliator was thrilled. So I guess it was more important for him to hang with someone who was all that, with his superpowers, than to stick to being a hero. But I guess we ain't been heroes to anyone since the battle of the Mal-Mart gas station.

Anyways, Corpus DeLuxx said, "Just wait a few minutes, and the Auditor will be here with the RV." Like everyone was supposed to know who the Auditor was.

After the Auditor showed up, DeLuxx said, "You're not taking that big green electric rat with us, are you?"

I told him, "He goes where I go."

"Oh, I suppose. If you feel you need it."

DeLuxx's attitude toward Headache got me a little mad. Headache was literally a pain, but he was still one of us.

Chapter 12

The pimped out RV was being driven by the Auditor. He didn't say too much. He looked like a regular guy all the way around. Blue jeans with holes in them. A plain gray t-shirt. He had long, kinky hair and a thin beard. He did not look like the kind of guy who would hang with DeLuxx.

The rest of us were sitting around the table in his little RV kitchen. The curtains were closed on the window so no one could see inside. It was actually uber comfy.

Retaliator asked DeLuxx, "Where do you get the power to fly?"

"That's proprietary," DeLuxx said. Whatever that means. I just think DeLuxx didn't want to talk about how he could fly. He says, "Why does your hair defy gravity?"

"That's prapriotory."

"Of course it is," DeLuxx said, "If you would have used discretion, like I do, you wouldn't have gotten your van blown up." DeLuxx looked straight at me. " Another thing, it seems like your whole team is due for some refreshing. You and the rat have electric assault powers, correct?"

"Uh. . .Yeah."

"Well, you can completely sterilize yourselves if you electro-sanitize your entire bodies. Better let me hold your phones though, so nothing bad happens to them."

It seemed like an easy enough idea to try, so I did it to myself. I have to admit it worked pretty well.

Then the rest of us were looking at Retaliator, with blood stains all over his uniform and smelling like a landfill.

"What?" Retaliator said.

I sent an electric wave over Retaliator and Headache to sanitize them.

"That kind'a stings," Retaliator said. "A guy really knows where all of the cuts a scrapes are on your body when you do that." He was the cleanest blood stained person anyone had ever seen.

DeLuxx went to the back of the RV and brought out Retaliator a country club looking set of clothes. "Here, you can wear these while you are washing your uniform. I'll have the Auditor stop at a local Laundromat."

It wasn't too long until Auditor got us to a Laundromat. Retaliator went in while the rest of us chilled in the RV. DeLuxx put on the TV. We were watching some Hollywood gossip show, and then I got to see what was left of my van on the local news. The van fire was considered of unknown origin.

DeLuxx said, "So, why were the so-called Protection Patrol after you?"

I said, "For some reason, a lot of those Justice Confederation members think we are supervillains. It's all a big mistake."

"Sure it is," DeLuxx said. "You people. . .and rat. . . have some potential. I could consider allowing you to join me."

I started to tell Corpus DeLuxx all about me needing to find my dad, so I could take him home to Mom and Petey. That way, Petey doesn't have to just sit there and stare at the wall, and they won't get thrown out on the street. But I thought that for a guy to have all of those powers that DeLuxx has, he's clueless as to how to listen to anyone. Instead of hearing what I said and talking to me about it, he started bragging about when he fought some Mutant Clown Squad.

DeLuxx was just sitting there, looking at his phone. "Bitch." He said, "You ever hear of Carrot Woman?"

"No, not really."

"She's my Ex. They call her Carrot Woman because she eats carrots and drinks carrot juice all the time. Her skin actually turned orange from so many carrots. She is infused with massive amounts beta carotene so she has super human vision. She coincidentally has red hair and the temper to go with it. She has a catch phrase, 'I'm gonna open a carrot can of whoop ass and show you some carrot fury.' To me, she is more like a cast iron bitch. The vegetable-based supervillainess thing never really worked for me. . ." He just sat there shaking his head at his phone.

I don't know what all that had to do with anything, but it was like I was not even there. He kept flipping stuff on his phone. I wondered if I would leave the RV, if he would have just kept talking. I really thought we didn't belong there with this guy who was so into himself. Why do I keep ending up in these situations, where I don't want to be? And I know what everyone reading this is thinking. No, Corpus DeLuxx is not my father. Don't you think I would know it? Anyhow, I figured that DeLuxx would like to talk some more about himself. So I asked him, "Why did you choose to be a supervillain?"

"Excellent question. When I was growing up, I've always kind of identified with the supervillains. They just seem cooler. I thought about the superhero thing, you know, but I'm not really a people person, per se. In fact, I detest most of them. No special reason. Just do. However, I don't really think I deserve the, 'crimes against humanity' label. On the other hand, I also think that some super humans, or super villains, if you will, give violence a bad name. I always felt that, not getting what I wanted, just because of some out-dated ethics and morality code was a confusing distraction to me. Of course, I also chose the path of evil for fun and profit. All in all, I think I chose a career path that works for me."

That doofoid was all ate up. Definitely more screwed up than me, for sure.

Just then Retaliator came in, huffing and puffing. His face was bruised up because he obviously had been beat on some more. Retaliator got blood all over the shirt he just borrowed from DeLuxx. Retaliator was carrying his dirty laundry with him, still not washed.

I go, "What happened?!"

He goes, "You will never believe it!"

So then I'm like, "Yeah, I probably will."

Retaliator says, "I was in there, minding my own business, just getting ready to do my laundry. This bald guy with a beard was loading the machine next to me. We were both putting our clothes in our machines. The same time I went to put in my bloody Blue Retaliator uniform in my machine, the guy goes to put in a black t-shirt into his machine that says, "Loonatik"! We both see each others' shirts, so we immediately swing at each other, and we are punching each other rolling around on the floor! But then I get a hold on him with both his arms behind his back and I am slamming his face into a washing machine! I really took it to him!"

I asked him, "Were there people in the Laundromat?"

"Yeah." Retaliator rolled his eyes, "Don't worry. They all left when the fight started."

I ask, "Did anyone call the cops?" I was tired and couldn't stop yawning.

"I don't know! Now listen, I'm trying to tell you; I was really kicking his ass, then he threw some powdered detergent in my face and ran out the door. Didn't you see him come out?"

"Nope," I told him.

DeLuxx said, "Honestly, I would have just leveled the Laundromat, or maybe incinerated Loonatik. Hey, you can keep the shirt. I was going to throw it away anyways."

I asked Retaliator, "Why did you fight that guy? You should'a tried to talk to him, to let him know we are not bad guys."

"Wow," DeLuxx said, "that is the most boring idea I have ever heard."

Retaliator told me, " If it was up to you, everyone would run all over us! The guy is a lunatic! It says so right on his own freaking shirt! You think I should have had some kind of a peace conference with him or something?! Give me some credit here!"

DeLuxx started sucking up all of the oxygen in the RV again, telling stories about how great he is, and Retaliator was eating it all up. No one else could talk. If you thought you were man enough to speak, DeLuxx would stop you and ask you why you were interrupting him. I was about ready to lose my mind listening to these guys.

We left the Laundromat and found a the perfect place to hide an RV for the night. The Wetland Vistas Campground. There were lots of other RVs all over and we fit right in. A friendly guy and his wife came over, but DeLuxx insulted them about their looks so they would stay away.

Chapter 13

The next day, I woke up and I heard the Auditor doing something up front. I went up to the front seat to talk to him. I asked him why they call him the Auditor.

"I take my camera out on location while Mr. DeLuxx is in action. Most people think I am out there verifying who has what superpowers. But there's more to it than that. I am out there to keep a watch over the out of control police, and keep law breaking vigilantes in check. I constantly take videos of what is going on with Mr. DeLuxx, just in case the police use excessive force or do something illegal. Then I give questionable videos to his lawyers. You might say I am a social activist for the oppressed majority. Also, I am a poet and rapper. Wanna hear some? He flies like a dream, his name is DeLuxx. . .Uh huh Uh huh. . ."

Just then DeLuxx came up front, stopping the Auditor and saving me from gagging, and says to me, "I want to have a meeting with you and the retaliator."

So I went back to the table.

DeLuxx said, "The people have really given a lot to me. Fame, fortune, and their love."

"What's not to love?" I told him, thinking what a sick puppy he was.

"Exactly." DeLuxx said, "So every once in awhile I like to give back to all the ungifted people. What I want to do is attack a place that takes and takes and takes from people. The target has most of the money already, but they suck even more out of people. There are even laws that you must pay them. They promise to help when you are down, but then when the people need the help, where are they? They sit around and decide who lives and who dies, like they did with my daughter. Now I will personally provide that same death panel service for them. The only difference is, that I will do it for free!" Then he started laughing; like a hyena, I guess. Okay, maybe a jackass.

We all looked at each other.

Retaliator said, "Who you talking about, the Government?

DeLuxx said, "I am talking about the Major Insurance Company. It is located not too far from here. All I did was to ask them to contribute to the Corpus DeLuxx Foundation and they flatly refused. Imagine a world where everyone was like that, only thinking about themselves. So I will totally destroy the anti-civic minded, Major Insurance organization, and everyone who works there. I know it's not much, but we have to take baby steps in order to make the world a better place."

Retaliator asked, "So, who do you think should pay for everyone's major insurance costs?"

Corpus DeLuxx just started laughing. "Thank you for making my point for me! Why should anyone have to pay for Major Insurance's greed?! Everyone has a right to free medical; a free decent house; a free decent car; free food on the table; free ebook downloads; a free phone. . . Even a dog in a kennel gets better treatment than that."

That all sounded like stupid talk to me. I told him. "I don't want to live in a kennel, and I gotta find my dad. I'm out."

"Oh, but you are quite in. Like I said, you have to use some discretion. I like to think ahead," DeLuxx said. "I have a little something to show you," He pulled out his phone and showed us a video of an older women with a serious look on her face. A large hand was on her shoulder. DeLuxx pushed the play button.

"Boys, I am Mrs. Jenkins. There is a man here, who says he is going to hurt me if you decide not to join his boss. I don't know who his boss is, but he can't be good." Then the guy whapped her on the back of the head for that comment.

DeLuxx said, "I was afraid you losers would do the irresponsible thing, so I thought it would be prudential to take your meal ticket as a hostage. Oh, and, here's your phones back, thanks so much for letting me borrow them." We forgot that ass had our phones. Any other time, Retaliator can't go five minutes without his freaking phone.

Retaliator said, "I'm in! All the way!"

"Good form," DeLuxx said, "it's time for everyone to ante up, and make the world a better place."

I told DeLuxx, "You bastard! I can't believe you would pick on an old lady!"

DeLuxx said, "That's not a very neighborly thing to say, after I helped you out with the Protection Patrol. Your comment really cuts me deep."

Retaliator said to me, "Yea, that's not neighborly at all."

"Shut up!" I had enough of Retaliator's BS. What a wimp. "I will not get into any more trouble! Forget it!" I sent a telepathic message to headache, who was snoozing in the back room, that I wanted him to attack DeLuxx. Both Retaliator and Corpus rubbed their foreheads, so Retaliator knew something was up.

DeLuxx said, "K-Tron, think this thing through. Don't forget about your benefactor who is with my associate. It would be unfortunate if a mishap befell her."

Sometimes I literally can't even understand that new talk. I kinda knew what he was talking about hurting Mrs. Jenkins, and I told him, "She'll just have to take her chances cuz I ain't listening to you and any more of your stupid BS!"

Headache came out of the room. KRAK! He used his tail like an electric eel on the back of DeLuxx's neck. A normal guy woulda blacked out. Not DeLuxx. Then I laid on a massive bolt into his belly. He was gritting his teeth really hard, and his eyes were as big as Dollar coins that nobody ever uses, and the yellow fist on his uniform was smoldering. That is when I really realized that this freaking guy was seriously a literal primo super supervillain.

Auditor started yelling and the RV started swerving down the road. At this point, I didn't exactly care if we crashed or not. I don't know how my life could have gotten any more stupider than right then. I thought maybe it would all be over real quick. But then I thought about Mom and Petey.

Retaliator was saying, "Stop Fighting! Let's work together!" He wanted to get between us, but he didn't feel like being roasted like one of those hotdogs on that electric shock cooking gizmo, so he kept clear.

DeLuxx was totally freaking me out, because he was not going down. But at least we were keeping him from hitting us back. Thank God Headache was there. DeLuxx was getting weaker, but so was me and Headache, even though it felt like we were recycling electricity from each other, we were still getting weaker. I'm serious; if Retaliator would have started beating on any on us, we would went down. The Auditor slammed on the brakes and we all went flying forward because of the G-centrifugal forces or something. Anyhow, I started clobbering DeLuxx in the face and Headache was going to start munching on his leg, but that damn Retaliator was pulling on Headache's tail to back him off. So Headache turned and backed off Retaliator. Before Headache could get a good chomp on DeLuxx, everyone lost their balance and fell backwards. We all were shook up for a bit. Then DeLuxx sent one of those red freaking energy balls into Headache, who squealed and went belly up. That damn Auditor and stupid ass Retaliator each grabbed one of my arms, so Corpus could pound me, but I shocked them both. DeLuxx managed to get out the door and fly away.

I seriously wanted to kill Retaliator. "What is your deal, you stupid idiot!? We would have taken him if you wouldn't have kept stopping us! Look at Headache! He saved your sorry ass and that is how you repay him!? You make me freakin' sick!"

Retaliator said, "Yeah?! Well if Mrs. Jenkins dies, it's your fault!"

"That's right!" I told the sorry son of a bitch, "She might die! But you know what?! Sometimes there are things worse than death! Like being a sorry coward like you!"

I told that Auditor, "You! Do not ever come near me again, or I will cook you like an overdone microwave pot pie!"

Retaliator was saying some crap and went out the door and started walking down the road. I really gotta say I was glad. Maybe now things would turn around. He was nothing but trouble, I kept telling myself.

I checked out Headache, and he was coming to. It seemed like he was weaker than he used to be, but I guess I was not going to get rid of him that easily.

I went outside and ssssWAP! I never felt so much pain in my life, and that's saying a lot. Freakin' Pink Arrow was out there putting an arrow into my shoulder. I don't know if you ever been hit by an arrow in the shoulder before, but it seriously hurts and will ruin your whole day. Honey Badger and Epik were busy tearing Retaliator a new one. I saw a giant bug, I mean like Volkswagen-size come out of the ground, right at me, then it disappeared like a ghost, so I ignored it. But while I was watching the freaky bug, another arrow about took my nose off. The only Patrollers not doing anything was Wormwood who was running his mouth as usual, and that guy Projecto, who looked like he was doing nothing again.

That arrow hurt like hell. I did manage to get it out though, on account that it was not real deep, since it was next to one of the bands on my uniform. I sent electricity on the wound to sanitize it, like what Corpus DeLuxx told me about our electrobath. I kinda walked real slow over to Retaliator. I was in no big hurry cuz he chose his own side against his own team in the RV. "Hey!" I said to the Patrollers, "You really wanna do this?!"

Honey Badger and Epik stopped their totally brutal thumping on Retaliator. Pink Arrow was real close, pointing an arrow right at me with her bow drawn way back. She could'a killed me right then.

She said, "Start talking K-Tron! Bear in mind that we just saw you come out of an RV with Corpus DeLuxx!"

"All right. Don't shoot. You got us all wrong, okay? We just got into a fight with DeLuxx. We almost took him down. He may be on his way to The Major Insurance Company to destroy it."

That do-rag Epik said, "I don't believe you!"

Wormwood said, "You must prove what you say is true."

Retaliator was just laying there moaning. Again, he was no help to me at all.

I told them, "If you don't believe me, just go inside and ask the Auditor. Ask him how his hands feel right now."

Pink Arrow said, "That scum will lie about anything! But I definitely would like to go inside and pay him a visit." She went inside with her arrow still partly ready.

"Arrow!" I said, as she just opened the door. "Don't shoot the rat!" She froze in place after she saw Headache. I mentally told Headache not to attack her. "He won't hurt you!"

She looked back at me, then she turned and slowly went inside. I walked over to Retaliator. I don't know how his face could get any worse from all the beatings. His face looked like he slid on the road after falling off a bike or something. He was just laying there on the side of the road, hardly moving.

Retaliator said, "My back. . .Ugh! It really hurts."

I told him, "Maybe we should take you to the choir practicer."

"Huh?"

"You know, the back cracker."

"Wha. . .oh. . . chiropractor."

"Yea, that's what I said, numb nut."

He shook his head. I guess he really didn't want to go. Probably too scared.

I told him, "What's the deal? You siding with DeLuxx now?"

Retaliator was trying to get up. He said, "That guy sucks. I just didn't want anything to happen to Mrs. Jenkins."

Then I felt kinda bad for Retaliator. I told those guys, Honey Badger and Epik, "I mean, really. Was nearly killing him necessary?"

They stood there all stupid-like shrugging their shoulders.

I asked them, "And where do you get your information about who is a villain or a hero anyhow? That damn Justice Confederation website?"

They nodded their heads.

I said, "Well that stupid thing is jank."

Anyhow, I helped the Blue Retaliator get up off the ground.

Pink Arrow came out the door. "Everyone get in here! Their story checks out! Maybe!"

Blue Retaliator tried to call Mrs. Jenkins on his phone. There was no answer. His head was down. I think he was afraid she was dead. In a way, I felt like I screwed up again. It seems like no matter what I did, it was always wrong and someone was always getting hurt.

Anyhow, after the Protection Patrol got into the RV, I told them the whole story. I won't repeat it all here, but if you want to know what I said, you have to start on Chapter 1 of this book and read it all the way until you get back here, but then don't keep doing that again and again because that would be, like, stupid, because you would never read anything any farther than here, you know?

Chapter 14

So after I talked about what happened to us with the Protection Patrol for an hour or whatever, they asked Blue Retaliator how he became a superhero. I guess I never really asked him that. Maybe its cuz I never really believed he was one to begin with.

Blue Retaliator said, "A few years ago I was tired of being a fat kid and I lost a bunch of weight. Well then my pants were baggy and were always coming down. One time this older guy came up behind me and started yelling, 'Hey kid! Pull up your damn pants! No one wants to see the crack of your ass!' I had this attitude going on because I got a girlfriend, but she was a huge pain. Anyhow I told him, 'Mind your own damn business, asshole!' We started shoving, then we got into a fight, but this kinda chunky hero in purple with a tiara sees the fight going on and breaks it up. His name was the Prince of Power. Afterwards, the Prince of Power and I got to talking. He said I needed to train up and be a superhero like him, so we could defend the wimpy people. I really liked the idea. Well then geeks started texting us, known as the Posse of Pain, to go after bullies who picked on them for no reason. But then we kinda got into it with this one guy who had a lot of tattoos because he was being crude with one of the she-geeks. The Prince found the guy and told him that he would have a stupid boss his whole life because he was uneducated and that if he wanted to be an individualist to develop some talent instead of getting all that ink done. Well, needless to say, that guy kicked both our asses. I used to have a blue cape, but the guy ripped it up. So then we took immediate action and got on the Super Human Outfitters Justice Confederation page and went on a long road trip to shop around for some backup. We actually got K-Tron and Headache to join the Posse, but first we had to go to Florida to find his dad, but then, well, you know the rest."

Projecto asked Retaliator, "So what is your superpower?"

Retaliator said, "Hmmm. . .I'm pretty good at staring contests. Oh. . . And at getting hit a lot."

The Patrol members nodded their head like Retaliator was such a great guy now after they about knocked his brains out. I don't really get it. Those kind of people are always changing sides. What up? They are willing to fight for their beliefs, but they can't seem to figure out what that is.

Retaliator opened up his mouth again, "Hey, maybe we can merge our groups and call it the Protection Posse, or the Pain Patrol?"

Wormwood said, "I say 'nay' to thee. We will not yoke together with those of your ilk."

I literally can't even get his talk. I told them, " I'm sick of this superhero supervillain trash. I just want to go home. Headache wants to go back home. He actually has his own rat friends, I guess, besides us. He says. . .He wants to die in peace. "

Honey Badger said, "He told you that?"

I figured those Protection Patrollers wouldn't believe what I had to say, so I just shut up about my telepathic abilities.

Pink Arrow was hugging Retaliator. "We need to get this man to the hospital. Hey! Auditor! Take us to the nearest hospital! Now!"

Next thing I know, my phone is ringing. I looked and it was Mom. "Hello."

"Guy, this is Mom."

"Hi."

"Guy, I want you to come home now. Petey. . .He's not doing so well."

"He's not?"

"No. You come home now."

"I'll try, Mom." Then she hung up the phone on me. I don't know if she was mad and trying to guilt me into coming home or Petey was in bad shape and I only said I would "try". I hated that I was so far away, and I didn't really accomplish anything I wanted to.

Everything was going bad. Headache was laying under the table in the RV. He was just shivering. What was I supposed to do, take him to the vet?

Chapter 15

We stopped at a hospital, and Pink Arrow and Retaliator went in. Retaliator said he didn't have any insurance cuz he couldn't afford Obamacare, so he was just going to use Mrs. Jenkins debit card. I wanted to urp the way Pink Arrow was being a mommy over Retaliator who was acting all babyfied just to get her attention.

Epik told me, "You know, the Protection Patrol is pretty much a team with defensive powers. We want to take on Corpus DeLuxx, but about the only punch we have on offense is Pink Arrow's bow. The reason I bring this up is because I think we could make a deal with you."

I go, "What kinda deal?"

He goes, "You help us take down DeLuxx, and we will take you straight to Shanesville to your mom and brother."

There it is. Another deal I can't hardly refuse. How did this keep happening? I figured that the bunch of us could take him down, no problem, and I would be back home and things would be back to their normal craptastic way instead of the constantly jacked way it is now. It seems like the more I say "No," the better things were getting for me. So I said, "No. I ain't fighting anymore." I thought about Petey. Mom was just saying that junk on her text to get me to go home. At least I hoped. So I said, "No way am I getting into any more of these fights. I'm out."

Next thing I know is that Pink Arrow and Retaliator coming back from the clinic or hospital or whatever. They got into the RV yelling at each other. I didn't think it could, but Retaliator's face looked worse than ever.

"Get this RV going!" Pink Arrow was screaming.

Auditor hurried up and got the RV out of the parking lot.

Retaliator was yelling at her, "You should have kept out of it! Now look what you did!"

I just shook my head. I knew he freaking got into a fight with somebody again. You stop and think about it, the only place he didn't was in that mountain town in Tennessee.

Pink Arrow yelled back, "I was just trying to help! What an ingrate!"

Retaliator was just sitting there mad as hell.

I refused to ask Retaliator about it. I knew I would regret it.

Big doofus Honey Badger asked, "What happened?"

"Nothing," Retaliator said.

Badger said, "That don't make no sense."

Retaliator said, "Fine. If you must know, here I am, going to the clinic, for multiple lacerations, contusions, abrasions, you name it! Can I go in there in peace?! Oh no! That Loonatik is in there with an appointment because of the beating I put on him back at the Laundromat. Figure the odds! So I go over there, and we end up fighting, of course, and she puts an arrow right through his neck!"

"Ohhhhhhh!" Everyone said.

Pink Arrow said, "He was kicking your ass!"

"He was not kicking my ass! That is our third fight and I would have taken him in just a minute longer! But no! You think arrows are the answer to everything! You ever try, I don't know, just punching someone?!"

She went, "You don't have to be insulting."

Retaliator was looking down holding his head in his hands and said, "You ought to see all that blood in the waiting room! Chairs, walls, carpet. It was terrible. You know how much blood comes out of an arrow into the neck?!"

Pink Arrow said, "I still don't see why you are mad. I was just helping."

Retaliator stares down Pink Arrow, and goes, "Look! Loonatik was my Arch-Nemesis! He was an Arch-Nemesis that I could always beat! You don't just go killing off someone else's Arch-Nemesis right away the first time you see the guy! It's. . . demeaning!"

Pink Arrow went, "I thought you were a cool guy. I guess I was wrong. You're just an asshole." She walked to the back of the RV, about ready to break down, and Retaliator goes after her.

The way they were fighting, I figured it would just be a matter of a couple months before they sent me a wedding invitation.

Epik said, "We got a message from Flying Monkeyman! One of his drones found Corpus DeLuxx. Monkeyman is also begging K-Tron not to shoot down any more of his drones."

I went, "Yeah, as long as Monkeyman or whoever quits sending people to fight me 'n Headache."

Projecto asked, "Where is he? I've got something special ready."

I figured it better be something big, since Projecto hasn't done squat any time I saw him in a battle.

Epik said, "DeLuxx is at the Major Insurance Company Headquarters. I'll navigate for Auditor to take us there."

I told Headache. We're not fighting. We're sitting this one out. Headache said he was glad. He didn't feel up to it. He was shivering. I wondered if I should do something for him.

They all looked at me. They were not happy about me not helping. Oh well.

So we get to the Major Insurance Company and we see DeLuxx way up in the air firebombing the smoking building with his red hot energy balls. Fire trucks and police cars had their sirens going in the distance, coming toward DeLuxx's mayhem. The Protection Patrol had their game faces on. They kept looking over at me. I didn't want no part of it.

Wormwood said, "This is a day of grim futility."

Pink Arrow said, "We got no choice! Patrol! Let's go!"

The Protection Patrol got out of the RV. The Auditor followed them with his video camera.

I told Retaliator, "Those idiots can't do anything against DeLuxx when he is way up there."

Retaliator said, "Then why don't you get out there!"

Major Insurance Company employees were running outside the headquarters. DeLuxx was sending down energy balls trying to pick them off.

Retaliator said, "That is really low class! Attacking defenseless people! C'mon, K-Tron! You gotta do something!"

I said, "Where's that BattleTurkey? Why don't he do something? He came after us. I can't do it all."

Then a police car showed up. The police ran to the trunk of the car to get their shotguns, but the car exploded when an energy ball struck it, sending them on their backs. Then DeLuxx started going for the fire truck.

A police SWAT team van showed up and police jumped out of the back and started firing at DeLuxx with rifles before he could light up the fire truck. DeLuxx flew farther away from the police. You could see some drones trying to follow him around but they were too slow. I couldn't believe it, but there was another person flying behind DeLuxx.

I went outside and pointed up. "Look! There's somebody else is up there!"

They were like, way too far away to figure out who it was. I can't say that I know too many people who can fly anyhow.

Epik got on his phone. "I'm going to get a drone link from Monkeyman. " He played around with his phone for awhile. "He got a positive ID on that other flyer. It's La Pelicana. That is bad! I can't believe she is teaming up with DeLuxx!"

"Hey!" I said, "Is that how you guys operate?! Just because she is flying up there, doesn't mean anything! What if she was chasing him, huh?!"

Epik said on the phone to Monkeyman, "We saw her too, but we did not, I repeat, did not see her helping him in any way. In fact she may be chasing him." Then Epik looked at me, "We need to get the Posse of Pain off of the villain list ASAP."

"Thank you," I said. I actually made someone understand.

Epik said, "Monkeyman said he would work on your supervillain status ASAP."

The fires at the Major Insurance building were getting out of control, because the firefighters could not get near the fires. More fire trucks were showing up. Finally, Corpus DeLuxx was gone and the firemen moved in. Corpus probably left because he figured the Major Insurance Company was so well lit up that it was going to burn to the ground, which after awhile, it pretty much did.

Afterwards, all of the Protection Patrol got back into the RV and looked really depressed. They didn't get to fight, and they lost without even getting their uniforms dirty. They didn't have nothing to say to me. They looked like, really mad that I didn't help them fight. Maybe they should have taken their problem to Arch Citizen. He picked out the team.

Projecto said, "You know what? Why don't we just take these guys back up to Ohio. That way we will be keeping them out of trouble, and someone doesn't kill that rat."

Retaliator said, "I'm not from Ohio." Come to think of it, no one really cared where he was from, cuz they never asked him, even after he said that.

We stayed off of I-75 going back north, just in case DeLuxx had the nerve to report to the Police that his RV was stolen. DeLuxx might have stolen it to begin with. You couldn't put anything past that arrogant bastard. I was so tired that about all I did was sleep. It was relaxing to know that I was heading home, even though nothing was really solved with Dad. There was no point in trying to stay awake. The Protection Patrol was not saying much. The Patrollers were really not happy, especially with me. But they wouldn't have me to look at pretty soon.

It was late in the evening, but Headache was telepathically thumping my brain to get out for a pee break, I guess. So I asked Epik, who was taking a turn on the driving to let us out. He let us out in this town in the middle of nowhere.

Retaliator said, "I'll go with you."

Epik said, "Get me a soda."

"What kind?'

"Something with lots of caffeine."

It was real dark out. We are walking and Retaliator says, "Hey. Something is familiar about this town."

"Huh?"

Retaliator says, "Oh hell no! That store! That's the same damn place! This is the same damn town! That is where we saw that preacher guy!"

I said, "It is. Maybe he's not working right now." It's not like we had a lot of choices between stores in the tiny town. It was the only thing open in town. Then I realized that God probably sent us back there.

We go in. Sure as crap. There he was, the long haired guy with a beard. We got our stuff and went to the front. I don't remember what all we got there. All I know is that some of this stuff you see no matter how far out in the sticks you want to go.

The guy says to us, "You boys still around? I figured you'd be burning in Hell by now."

Retaliator swallowed hard and said, "Hey. Why do you say that?"

"I know you don't like to hear it, but sometimes good advice is something we don't want to hear. The bad news is, if you die in your sins, you will go to Hell. Plain and simple. I figure with your lifestyle, lyin' Holloweeners, that you boys are the type to not tread this earth for long."

Retaliator said, "Well. . .I can imagine that you are a sinner too."

"Of course," he said. "Everyone is. But like I told you Halloweeners before, you need to accept what Jesus did on the cross for your sins. The good news is that, He already paid the price. You just gotta accept it."

Retaliator said, "People don't believe that stuff anymore. I'll just take my stuff and go, if it's okay with you."

He said, "I don't know who you been talking to, but a lot of people agree with me. You ought to start being friends with people who will lead you in a better way of thinking. Like in a Bible believing church. A'course you ain't gotta go to church to get saved, you know. You only need Jesus."

Retaliator said, "Okay. Thanks for the advice."

We were both ready to leave the store. Then the guy looked straight at me. "What about you? Someday you will stand before God Almighty."

I said, "I believe what you say might be right. I think God made everything. I just. . . I don't know."

Then the man changed his tone and said, "Look son, it's pretty simple. You pray about it. A'ight?"

"K. I need time to process."

Chapter 16

I was halfway between sleep and awake for a long time. All I could think about was what the guy at the store said. If God made the world and everything, maybe he could help me figure out how to fix the mess I was in. To be real about it, I wasn't doing so good on my own so far anyhow.

But I didn't think too much about my screw ups since I was going home. I appreciated that the Protection Patrol was giving us the ride in DeLuxx's RV. I guess they were kinda borrowing the RV the same way that the Legion of Rednecks took Prince of Power's car.

Every once in awhile something had to go right. I thought maybe it was that time. We made it all the way to Shanesville, Ohio without any more violence. I figured I could retire as a supervillain or antihero, or whatever now, and just be left alone in peace.

People in small towns don't like being messed with. If anyone would have seen Headache running around Shanesville he would have been shot dead. There was a place not far outside of town. It had a three foot tile in a ditch. There was a little water running through it. It looked like a good spot for Headache to live out his last days. I told Headache to go home. He was either confused, or didn't understand why me and him were going to split up. But I think I convinced him that he would be happier now that he was at home. He looked at me. It's hard to tell much by looking into solid green glowing eyes. I think maybe he was sad, but who knows for sure?

"Bye, Buddy."

I was waiting for him to say he was better, but he didn't. He ran down into the tile.

While I was out there I realized that I had not checked my dumb phone in like, forever. So I look at it and see that I had a bunch of text messages.

PROF. BARTHOLEMEW: I BEEN TRYING TO CONTACT U PLZ RSPND

MOM: COME HOME RIGHT AWAY

MIDGET PORN DIRECT: YOU MUST CHECK OUT THIS SITE!!!

I am not really into midget porn.

PROF. BARTHOLEMEW: THINGS R GETTING OUT OF HAND & I AM @ A LOSS AS 2 WHAT 2 DO. HELP ME & I CAN HELP U

Why would I help Barty after all he did to me? On the other hand, maybe he had a job for me. Smart guys, or people with money are the ones who hire people. Right then I would have taken any job. I figured I could look into it later. Anyhow I texted him back, "OK", without really knowing what I was saying "OK" to.

NAKED MIDGET WRESTLING: WATCH THESE HIGH FLYING ATHLETES IN ACTION!!!

I'm not really into anything about vertically challenged people, but I don't really have anything against them. People are people.

HOOK UP WITH A MIDGET 2 NITE: MEET HORNY MIDGET WOMEN IN YOUR AREA!!!

Whatever.

MOM: THE POWER IS OUT. PLEASE COME HOME. WE NEED YOU RIGHT NOW.

I figured it must really suck bad at home. Seeing how it sucks bad enough already for them when the power is on. Petey would just be sitting there in the dark, not being able to get out. Anyhow, pretty soon I would be there to help out.

"Look!" Epik yelled.

The RV was stopping on a street. I knew there was no intersection there and they shouldn't be stopping. There was a car burning in the middle of the street. A lot of burned up bodies were laying around, still smoking. The corpses had weapons laying next to them. If the bodies weren't so burned up, I probably would have been able to ID most of them. You could hear sirens going all over. I couldn't believe this was my hometown. Why would there be a terrorist attack here? Probably everyone wonders the same thing when it hits their town, except probably New York. Shanesville is small, but it has three and four story buildings in the downtown. There aren't many cops, but when there is trouble, the Sheriff's Department and cops from other towns come over to help out. I saw a patrol car from Delburg there. It was sitting there with the lights flashing and no one in it, or anywhere around.

Epik was driving the RV. He said, "What the Hell!?"

I thought I was going to have a heart attack, he scared me so bad with his yelling.

"What?!" Everybody was saying, while they were trying to see what he was looking at.

Then they all moved to the front of the RV, so they could see down the side street. They started yelling, looking around the corner. They saw a blue lightning bolt come out to flame another car. Then I saw what had to be the hashtag worst freaking thing ever. . . It still makes me shake when I think about it. There was this nightmarish twenty foot tall glowing green guy walking like a slow zombie down the street towards the intersection. This guy no doubt came out of the same Professor Bartholemew lab as Headache and me. That dude was so freaking big. He totally outgrew his clothes, so his junk was just hanging there, on account that he was butt naked. No suit or gauntlets. For him to be that voodoo looking, he had to have taken the full Triple-X just like Headache.

Wormwood screamed, "Everyone disembark!"

They all started running out of the RV, and scattering all over the place, except Wormwood, who drove off.

I don't know why, but that giant didn't flame the RV. Maybe he was recharging. Anyhow, I got to looking at him. Not his junk, but his face. Something about him was real familiar. . . Sure as crap, it was Malcolm. At least it wasn't Lamont. But maybe Lamont wouldn't have turned out to be the Giant Green Commando Creature that Ate Shanesville.

We moved up to the corner building to get a better look at him. Pink Arrow and Retaliator were behind me. Pink Arrow came around and fired an arrow, and it was sticking in one of Malcolm's ribs. Malcolm roared. It was scary.

I asked Retaliator, "Do I zap him? I don't want to make him stronger!"

Retaliator said, "How am I supposed to know?! Figure it out!"

Well no one gave me any training on using this electricity deal. I wish I knew what the hell I was doing. Anyhow, I decided to hit him with an electro nut shot, which was right on target. Clearly he didn't like it. He was bent over screaming. That bastard looked at me with his solid bright green eyes, then reached up and pulled down a power line that was going into a tanning place. The power line was actually feeding him a stupid amount of electricity direct.

"Run!" I screamed. We took off running. I heard a big KRAK! and I turned around and I saw Headache being zapped with enough electricity to light up Las Vegas.

"No!" I knew for sure that after Headache got served so big, that he was for sure dead. But I kept looking and nothing happened. I thought Headache was smoked. Then the unreal Headache I saw turned into one of those ghosty things like that giraffe and the big bug. I didn't have time to worry about that. Anyhow, Malcolm walked over to the spot where the fake Headache was, trying to figure out what was going on. There was a steady drip of blood coming off of Malcolm's hand from the epic blast. Skin was hanging from the ends of his fingers. There was lots of green smoke everywhere, and the pavement was burning black smoke.

Then that dumbass Honey Badger ran straight into Malcolm's back. I couldn't believe it, but that crazy bastard knocked Malcolm's front side onto the molten pothole on the street. Malcolm rolled over screaming like a stuck hog from Hell. Holy crap, was he ever pissed. Epik joined the fight and was kicking Malcolm in the face.

"Attack!" Pink Arrow yelled. We all charged into the fight. I guess we were in a hurry to continue the smashfest, but before we could get there, Malcolm turned and swatted Badger off of him. Badger did some flips in the air and landed with a thud on his back. Epik was trying to gouge Malcolm in the eyes, but then he got swatted hard too, and went flying.

"Honey Badger don't care!" He came charging back toward Malcolm but was hit real solid with a thud by a huge fist to the chest. Pink Arrow fired another arrow at Malcolm, hitting him right in the chest. Then Malcolm stood up and screamed and sent out a pulse wave that threw off the arrows and molten tar and everything that was stuck on his body, sending it all over the place. I don't know if you ever been electrically shocked by electrified molten tar or whatever, but let me tell you it does seriously hurt.

Retaliator said, "Retaliator don't care!" I gotta admit; That loco copycatfish blue goof ball had major cojones. He charged right at Malcolm with his extendable steel rods and was whapping at him like there was no tomorrow. Malcolm sent another pulse wave at us. We all flew back again. But this time we got back up and looked around, we couldn't find him, which was a thing, because he was really, really, big.

Pink Arrow said, "My arrows don't do much but make him mad."

Retaliator asked her, "Don't you have any trick arrows in that quiver, like maybe explosive, or a steel cable or tranquilizer or something? You got anything like that?"

Pink Arrow said, "No they just pretty much kill people. You got any nuclear hand grenades in that utility belt of yours?"

The Auditor said, "He went that way!" Auditor had his video camera out and was recording the whole thing. I figured Auditor will sell this story into a movie or something and get really rich while we are doing all the work and getting beat on. Anyhow, I hope maybe somebody will buy this book. If you are reading this, that means you did. That's cool. Gracias.

Long story short, Malcolm goes down a side alley. We see him and he is just standing there trying to swat this person with gray tights who is standing on his shoulders and beating on his head.

"La Pelicana!" Auditor yells. I remembered that she was the super gurl who was flying around the Major Insurance Company when Corpus DeLuxx attacked. Not to be mean, but she is not really that hot, but she was really putting a serious smack down on Malcolm.

I don't know how he did it, but Epik climbed straight up the wall next to Malcolm and did a back flip into Malcolm. But Malcolm was just too big for that kind of attack, so Epik more or less just bounced off of him. He fell to the hard road. That really looked painful.

"Attack!" Pink Arrow yelled.

"Yeah! Lace up!" Retaliator yelled. "It's on!"

Pink Arrow put another arrow into Malcolm's back. Then Headache comes out of nowhere and runs into a brick wall, and I do mean into it. He disappeared into it. That couldn't be real. I guess all this weird stuff I was seeing was just something messed up in my brain.

Malcolm finally gets his hands on Pelicana and slams her into the wall. Then she drops to the ground. It was disturbing to look at.

"Honey Badger don't care!" This time it was pretty sad. Badger got a classic Chuck Norris style beat down up in there from Malcolm with a straight on kick that sent him straight on back. Then Malcolm turned and shot a blast at me and Retaliator and Pink Arrow. The bolts were real powerful and doing some crazy stuff going all over the place. We all went down. I was awake, but I couldn't see a thing, even with my special goggles.

Wham! I hear this other noise. "What the. . ." My sight was just coming back and I see Wormwood came from the other direction in the RV and crunched Malcolm majorly with it. Malcolm was down, with the RV up against him and the tires squealing. Before he could get back up, Wormwood put the RV in reverse back in the alley, squealed the tires, and turned to get out of sight.

I put everything I had left into a blast into Malcolm. I guess I should be happy that it slowed him down, but that's about it. I had nothing else. Malcolm was getting up. Everyone else was still down.

I get this telepathic message, I'm better than you.

I say, I know. Just get it over with. A million volts or whatever can't hurt any more that a couple thousand when it kills you. I thought about standing in front of God. I was ready as a person could ever be, but I prayed to God begging that I could live a little longer because Mom and Petey needed me. Just in case, I claimed what Jesus did for me on the Cross because I didn't want to burn in Hell. Was I desperate? Yeah. I should have made it right with God a long time ago. But I really meant it. I wouldn't lie to God. He'd figure it out anyhow.

I see another fake Headache running by. Whooptydoo. Everyone ignored the Headache we saw, or figured it was unreal, cuz we kept seeing fake Headaches.

Instead of blasting me, Malcolm walked over and grabbed me by the neck with one of his huge hands, and is staring at me like he was all confused. Then I realized it was not Malcolm doing the telepathic communication. It was the real Headache! Headache was saying he was better than Malcolm, not Malcolm saying he was better than me. I knew this on account that next I saw Headache biting Malcolm's leg. Headache's attack was like, so majorly vicious.

Malcolm screams and throws me down, which by the way, in case you are interested, did hurt quite a bit. Then he turns and put out a sick blast of a stupid amount of electricity on Headache. Headache rolls away in a ball of green smoke. He's just laying there not looking real great.

Malcolm turns to me. Again. He says in a sick deep voice, "Now you die, Guy."

Okay, I prayed again. I guess praying is like a telepathic communication. You would pray too if you thought your skull was going to be crushed. When your life and soul is on the line, it's a lot different than just sitting around and chit-chatting with someone, or texting about stuff, and casually deciding that all religion is fake.

Then right away this other cray thing happens. Even though Headache is still laying there, this giant green ghosty electric rat thing comes out of him. It flies up at Malcolm who kind of doesn't think the green rat ghost is much to worry about, but then the rat ghost flies up to Malcolm and climbs into his body right through his skin. It was pretty sickening, but wait; it gets a lot worse. Malcolm screams and starts like swelling up or something because the green ghost rat is eating his guts or something, then his whole body explodes like a big ass bomb. There is hot green Malcolm goop all over half the town. It stuck to buildings, windows, everything. It was over and we won, but no one had enough energy left to cheer.

I look over and I that damn Headache is licking at that goop. I tell him, You rats are sick. Seeing that crapishness made me sick, like I was getting ready to blow up chunks.

Headache looks at me and says, who's better?

Yoooooou. What else could I say. I had no clue how he did that ghost thing that won the battle, or lived through that ill blast. He sure is a competitive beast. I need to learn how to do that. Not the eating part, the green ghost thing. Then I saw Headache running off somewhere.

The others started getting up. I checked on La Pelicana. She was really hurting. She got up real slow and was moaning quite a bit. She couldn't hardly move. To be real, she isn't any better looking up close.

"You gotta go to the doctor," I told her.

"I know. I think I can still just fly over there."

"How do you do that?"

"Everyone asks me that. Who are you looking for?"

"Huh? What? How did you know I was looking for someone?"

"I could just tell."

"How?"

"Everyone asks me that."

"Who told you I was looking for someone?"

"No one. Quit thinking about my profile."

"Huh?" I figured if this Amazon chica, who barely looks like a dudette, could tell what everyone was thinking. If she is mind reading, she would not be happy, since the guys all think she is totally unhot. I mean, if she would lose a few, she probably could fly lots better anyhow.

"What's that? You don't buy my groceries," she said, getting all into my personal thoughts. "Is that all you guys think about?"

"Oh. . . . No. Trust me, there's nothing in my brain. Its real empty. I just really think you were a huge help. Thank you for coming to help out. How did you know about this trouble?"

She said, "I didn't. I was in the area because I was looking for Corpus DeLuxx. The last I knew, he was around here somewhere."

"Really?"

"Yeah, really. I'm gonna bring him down."

"I ain't so sure you're up to it."

She goes, "It's all good. What don't kill you makes you stronger."

I axed her, "What's DeLuxx doing around here?"

"I don't know. But I'm sure we'll find out. It's like he's looking for someone."

It seemed like La Pelicana didn't say much about herself, but she always knew when someone was looking for someone. I don't really know if that is a superpower or not. I tried not to think anymore around her. But then she looked suspicious. So then I tried to think about rainbows and unicorns. Those are good G-Rated thoughts. Then when I thought about it, I figured she was probably way lonely because she knows way too much what people are thinking and it makes those people nervous. Then I accidently thought about her riding the unicorn, totally naked, and that she wouldn't look very good on it.

She goes, "You know that's pretty disgusting. If women knew what you guys were thinking all of the time, they would be totally appalled. I come over here and help you fight and all you can think about is my shape?"

"Yes."

"Yes what?" she asked.

"Yes, that is all us guys think about. . .pretty much." Then I accidently thought about her being totally naked, all mad, trying to hit me.

"Well. . .Okay then. For whatever reason, I guess you feel you have to keep doing it. But I don't look as bad as you are thinking." She was shaking her head. "Especially on the burro, or whatever that was."

"Really? Sorry." I wondered where I was mistaken.

"Yeah, that's more like it."

"Sonofa!" I couldn't win with her.

"Yep."

So I go, "What's Pelicana mean in English?"

"Female Pelican." I guess the reason she rolled her eyes was that I was trying to change the subject.

"Oh. Cool. They call you that because you can fly?"

"And because I gulped down a fish once. It's stupid, but the name stuck."

Picturing swallowing a whole fish made by throat hurt a little. She didn't look at my eyes any more. I was hoping that she was giving me some kind of break on getting into all of my brain business. It felt really mad whack having someone gawking right into my skull and looking all over the place. I did feel sorry for her. I thought that it must be kind of hard for her, getting everyone's thoughts all the time, whether you want them or not.

"Thank you," she said.

She didn't miss anything I was thinking.

"No. Thank you for your help. You are seriously a great person." I was worried that sounded suckupish.

"What's the deal with your eyes?" She was staring at my face. I know my eyes are beyond.

I started adjusting my glasses, on account that he made me nervous. "I don't know." I was pretty sure there was like, nothing else in my brain for her to read.

She just shook her head. I didn't need to help her up. She just kind of floated up on her own and flew away.

So I figured again that maybe finally all this random extreme violence would finally settle down, and things would return to normalish.

Conclusion

The Auditor and the totally beat down Protection Patrol dropped me off at Mom's apartment. Auditor threw the RV tranny into park and put his seat back. "I'm going to get some sleep right here, right now." All the rest of them, including Retaliator, were sleeping off their stomping they took in the Battle of Shanesville.

I was so tired that I just wanted to collapse too. But I made up my mind that when I got home that I had to take Petey down the stairs right away and across the street so he could be outside.

I walked in and Mom started bawling when she saw me. She hugged me tight like she never did before. Mom got even more tore up poignant over me when I started helping Petey go downstairs. I really didn't know what to say.

Petey couldn't move much, but I could tell by his face he was pretty happy when he saw me. I was pretty happy when I saw him too. And you know what? I never felt more like a real hero when I took Petey outside to the park. I sat him down on the bench and I was sitting right next to him. It was nice out and quiet, except for some of the cars that drove by behind us. I was getting more chillaxed, just vegging there, trying to forget everything, until I was about ready to go to sleep. The ducks were still there swimming around and sticking their heads underwater just like I hoped they would be. Petey couldn't hardly talk anymore, but I knew he really liked being out there. He kept smiling at me, making me feel guilty for being gone. I told him, "Look Petey, the ducks." He looked at the ducks over the edge of the pond, which was a short cement wall. But Petey still kept turning and looking at me with all that smiling. I didn't deserve that kind of appreciation. It was hard for me to think about what his life was like if he couldn't even do anything on his own that he wanted to do.

I was praying to God. I thanked Him for getting me through all the battles. I know it was not just me being smart or lucky, that I made it. And I know He kept me alive for a reason, and I knew that someday I would have to stand in front of Him by myself. People like Retaliator, who believe in anything except God, won't listen about God, and would not be there standing with me to tell God I made a mistake not thinking God was real. In front of God, I won't be able to talk no BS. So then I prayed to accept the Son of God's payment for my sins, like that store preacher guy said. I knew that it was the most right decision that I had ever made in my life. Now I finally knew I was on the right team and that I would finally be able to know what was really right or wrong. I didn't know much, but I was going to get help figuring it all out.

The very next thing I wanted to do was to tell Petey how much it would mean to his life to accept Jesus, but the next thing I know, a guy in red tights drops down out of the sky, right on the edge of the pond. The ducks all quacked away. It was that pukazoid Corpus DeLuxx. He's balancing one of his red hot energy balls in his hands, moving it around like he is going to let it slip his hands and hit Petey in the face. DeLuxx was like, so pissing me off, big time.

Corpus Crapus says, "Don't move, K-Tron. You wouldn't want anything to happen to your friend there."

"He's my brother, ass wipe, or should I just call you 'Devil'? And nothing is going to happen to him, or you're a dead man, no matter what."

"What a lovely sentiment. But see, here's the problem. I owe you. My own personal code that I live by, is that I never owe anyone anything for long. It's just the natural, proper way of things."

I go, "I can't believe you followed us all the way here. Just go on across the street and get your RV back." I'm not really as stupid as I look. I was hoping he would walk right into the Protection Patrol."Why can't you just forget about everything and leave us alone. That's all I ever wanted."

Odious Maximus DeLuxx is all like, "It's not always just about you now, is it?"

Nyah nyah nyah, what a sick. . . He was getting me all salted. I really didn't know how I was going to get out of this situation without either me or Petey getting hurt real bad. But I was definitely getting ready to at least make sure that moron's day was extremely ruined. "Why don't you just swerve, dude?"

Creepo DeLuxx says, "You could have been on a winning team with me, but you chose the loser route. How stupid are you?"

I go, "That's not really a fair question."

Next thing I know, Nautiqarella pops up out of the water and grabs DeLuxx by the back of the neck and jerks him backwards over the cement wall and down into the water. Just that fast, they both go under. At the same time, I take my steel gauntlet and swat at the loose energy ball. The ball explodes. Sparks are flying everywhere, but it was amazing how those hot red clusters were blowing away from me and Petey's face. For real, my hand and arm was never so burning hot. I pulled off my glove and stuck my hand down into the water. There was nothing or no one moving around in the water. I guess Nautiqarella really could breathe in the water.

"The Sistas got your back, K-Tron," Environtrix said.

I look back behind Petey and its Environtrix and Dusty. I figured out that Dusty made the sparks blow away. I guess you never know about what powers people really have, or what they can do when they work together. I just wonder how many people reading this have some kind of power. Maybe they don't even know they got it.

After all that mayhem, Petey's eyes were huge. Dusty gave Petey a kiss on the face. Petey turned red. Then Dusty and Environtrix went over to the Protection Patrol RV. I don't know what Nautiqarella was doing under the water but I never did see her come up.

I just laid there awhile soaking my hand and I saw Barty pull up in his stupid looking car. He shows up with this scraggly old stoner-looking geezer-like dude. The guy could barely walk. Then I was really freaking shocked to the max.

"Dad?" I tried to get a better look at his scraggly face, which was looking down.

The guy just mumbled. I lifted up his chin and sure as crap, he was my dad! He lost a bunch of weight and looked real different. "Barty! Where did you find him?!"

Barty goes, "He was up in Michigan, working in the carnival."

I go, "Wut? Dad's a carnie?"

"Yeah. The People's Park went on the road after the land got sold off. The lackeys who were stealing from Swickbog drugged him up and made a slave out of him."

"You piece of garbage! You knew he was up there in Michigan! I went all the way in the other direction looking for him! Now for sure I ought to light you up!"

"Calm down! I didn't know for sure, and I about got killed going up there after him! At least I investigated it for you! Right?!"

"Yeah, I guess. I still don't like you though. I gotta quit listening to you. We did clean up your little Malcolm mess you made of this town. That job you did on Malcolm was an epic fail. You'd think that you'd would quit screwing around with people's bodies. But I guess everybody needs a hobby, right numb nut?"

Bartholemew says, "What can I say? I'm like you in that regard."

"Huh?!"

"That's right. I gotta make money too, you know. Malcolm actually paid me five thousand dollars to give him super powers. I had to do something after Global went under. All that equipment didn't sell when they were liquidating Global and they were going to throw it out. They didn't even want it for scrap metal. So I took it and put it into my garage."

"Hey!" I tell him. "I pay for my mistakes, just like you will for your little faux pas of mass destruction."

He says, "I'll tell you what; I'll make a stabilization suit for your superpet, like the one you have. It will improve his overall physical condition, by a lot. I'll even check out his gastrointestinal flora to make sure it isn't dying from exposure to electricity. Okay? Maybe we can keep all this between us. How about it?"

I grab Barty around the collar. "I'm just telling you now, that if I get blamed for tearing up Shanesville, you will have bus tire marks all up and down your back. Go ahead and make the suit, and do what you can, but Headache for sure ain't my superpet. If anything, I am his superpet. . .or whatever."

Barty gave me a weird look, and I pushed him back.

Then I tell him, "I'll see if I can get Headache around this week and you can make his suit. I hope he bites you."

Then I carried Dad upstairs and Mom went crazy again. She saw him and started bawling really hard. It was one of those hand over your mouth, can't catch your breath crying jags. Then she told Dad, "Oh my God! Look at you. . .I can't believe I'm the fat one now!" She was crying and laughing at the same time. She couldn't believe what Dad looked like, with all of the dropped poundage and everything. Dad was still out of it. I'm pretty sure he didn't even know where he was at the time.

Then I went back down and got Petey, and carried him upstairs. I got like a sick feeling in my gut because Petey felt lighter than he used to. I know I was not that much stronger than the last time I carried him. The disease was making Petey lose more of his muscle. I had to put that idea out of my mind. "Hey Pedro," I told him, "I think that Dusty likes you, Dog." I couldn't see Petey's face since he was on my back. I gave him the business all the way up the stairs. Our conversations were like, you know, all one sided like that.

I guess having all of us there together in one place was like a pulse wave of emotion for Mom. She about fell over crying.

Then when I got outside, the Auditor stopped me, and told me, "K-Tron, I been meaning to say something to you. I remember something you said. You told the Blue Retaliator, 'Sometimes there are things worse than death. Like being a sorry coward.' That spoke to me, man. Even though I thought I was standing up for my principles, all I was doing was taking the easy path. I really respect what you did. In fact, so much that I wrote a rap tune just for you. Wanna hear it?"

I really didn't know what to say. No one ever said anything good about me like that, or put me in their rap. So I couldn't say "no", exactly.

He even had the beat for it on his phone. I'm starting to think I need a new phone.

My name is the Audi-Tor,

And I'm here to monitor,

The supers and the stupids and the blood and all the gore.

This way, that way, what'cha doin' all the face bustin' for?

K-Tron, K-Tron, gotta get yo' zap on,

Now they all wish they never put their cape on.

He ain't never got a ride,

And he don't know how to hide,

All the crazies coming in, by the wave, on the tide,

But they all end up the same, which is mostly fried.

K-Tron, K-Tron, figured by now you woulda died,

They all said you were a baddie, but they all lied.

He got a big assed rat,

That could eat a fat cat,

You won't see him coming or know where he's at,

After he kills you, K-Tron gives him a little pat.

K-Tron, K-Tron, Eeek, it ain't no mouse,

The big assed green rodent, is in the house.

K-Tron has the major 'tude,

But he ain't, like, really, rude,

But if you ask for it, he will be in an ass-kicking mood,

The same goes for that bid stupid green Malcolm dude.

K-Tron, K-Tron, gotta get yo' zap on,

Now they all wish they never put their cape on.

I told the Auditor, "Dude, I don't know what to say. That like, literally . . .sucks so hard."

Epilogue

Okay, fast forward; Anyhow, we got Dad sobered back up in a couple of days and Barty gave him a decent paying job. Doing what, I don't know. But something about getting a job from a psycho scientist who used to work for a supreme evil overlord didn't seem like such a good idea, but it's not like we had a lot of choice.

I told Barty that from now on I was going to keep an eye on everything he did. I made up my mind that I was going to have more control over my life, not just go whichever way the wind is blowing. I was going to think things through before doing stuff, and pray. No lie though, I still wanted to go up to Michigan and find those carnies and open up a can of that sucky meat junk.

Dad told us that he was going to save up and buy a house in the country, with a pond for Petey so he could watch the ducks all that he wanted, and maybe some other stuff. Right now that seems too good to be true, but you never know, I guess.

One day, I was sitting at home playing Xbox and Mom tells me a blue guy was here. I went to the door and it was the Retaliator. I was happy to see him. I really have no idea why I still like that guy. We went downstairs.

"Sweet transpo," I tell him. That plain vanilla Econoline ride of his was dope. I know it was just a straight up van, but it was hard to not be jealous, after what happened to mine down south.

"Thanks," Retaliator said. "I wanted a Hummer, but she wouldn't go for it."

"Who? Pink Arrow?"

"Wha. . .No! Mrs. Jenkins!"

"Huh?" I thought for sure, that DeLuxx's goon offed her.

Retaliator said, "Mrs. Jenkins told me that she snuck around and got her gun and ventilated that guy. She figured someday her involvement in the Posse of Pain could bring her trouble, so she prepped for it. Turns out she's quite the badass. Look, there's plenty of room in the back of the van. Don't you think Headache would like it back there?

"Oh no. Bad idea. We're trying to build a new life here now. I need to save up and get my own place. Besides, you can't go anywhere without causing problems. So forget it. "

"Come on, K-Tron, were a team! Mrs. Jenkins wants us to keep going, because of the Prince of Power. I can even be your sidekick if you want. Let's be practical here."

"Something wrong with your damn ears? I've had enough pain with your damn Posse."

"Okay, okay! Just listen, Okay. . .I know a guy! His name is Roid Rage."

"Roid Rage? So the guy has fury over his hemorrhoids?"

"No. Steroids. Anyhow, he's a big dude with super strength. What if we get him to join the Posse?"

"His name is freaking Roid Rage, right?"

"Yeah."

"Oh yeah. Nothing could go wrong with that, uh huh. Hey you still got the Invisible Diva, true?"

"Tee Hee. Seriously, you and me, we're best buds. You and me, side by side, right?"

"Wrong. We are not tight."

"Huh?"

"Thanks for sharing. Check please."

Blah blah blah. He kept going and going.

*******

Anyhow, It don't matter to me if you believe this story or not. That's all I got to say about it. I just hope it sells a lot, on account that I ain't got much money. The publisher guy says that "Stupid sells, so you should have a breakout hit." Whatever.

THE END

Twitter: @ArchCitizen

Thank you for reading K-Tron #1! Please show your support by leaving a fantastic review online to help us expand the Unbelievable Universe! Don't let the UU fall into the black hole of the Abyss of the Forgotten! Your clarion call to the masses gives us the super-power boost to bring you more super-publications! Look for more upcoming Unbelievable tales from the Unbelievable Universe! Godspeed!

-Den

Other Books from this Publisher:

KINGS and CLANS of the Midwest by Den Warren; This is a near future novel set in the Midwestern United States. The Characters watch the Dollar quickly become worthless before their very eyes. Without a viable currency, the economy, and the Country, quickly slides into an apocalyptic collapse.

Characters from various backgrounds are desperate to survive in a situation where resources are diminishing rapidly, and many resort to the worst kinds of evil to get their "fair share".

Very few of the characters at the beginning of this dystopian apocalyptic setting have a clue about how to provide and protect for themselves. In order to survive, characters are forced to join one of the colorful and often violent factions. Some seek to rebuild a better civilization, while others can only try to survive.

Those who oversaw the ruin of the Country, led by the US President, are desperate to cling to whatever power they can. The POTUS illegally invites the United Nations to help Homeland Security disarm its citizens and restore order to the nation. But many of the independent minded souls of the Midwest see things differently. . .

Ayanna by Den Warren is the second book in the KINGS and CLANS Series. The ebook can be found for FREE from various free ebook distributors.

In a world where many people kill for their daily needs, a young girl, who spent her formative years among a murderous clan of cannibals, is now under the guidance of a militaristic community, where she learns the ways of war.

Independent States of America, by Den Warren is the third novel in the Kings and Clans Trilogy ©, and includes many of the same characters found in the previous two novels.

Long after the financial collapse, the last thing the rebuilding former United States nations wanted, or needed, was a major war. Yet, events kept dragging the ISA, the Independent States of America toward an all-out conflict with their ideological rival, Homeland.

Kings and Clans of the Midwest, Ayanna, and Independent States of America, are all available in paperback.

Kings and Clans of the Midwest is also available in an audio edition.

Twitter: @D3NWARR3N

Supervision; A Leadership Mindset by Richard Warren: Non-fiction training book for supervisors and would-be supervisors. Definitely worthwhile for anyone who works, or maybe as a gift for a sucky boss who could use some brutally honest advice.

Other Must Read Collection of Books:

The Bible, King James Version: There are many fantastic stories in the world that people enjoy reading. Why not start with the original! Marvel at the origin of the universe! Follow amazing people through impossible situations! Learn how Jesus miraculously sent his Son to defeat sin itself, and defeat the original Supervillain in the future! You are personally involved!!!

Visit Cover Designer Steven Severt's gallery of outstanding artwork at:

www.stevensevert.deviantart.com

Unbelievable Universe

