WELCOME TO" THE LATE SHOW,"
EVERYBODY.
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THAT'S NICE.
WE'VE BEEN OFF ON THE ROAD FOR A
WEEK.
IT'S GREAT TO BE BACK HOME.
SPEAKING OF TRAVELING, DONALD
TRUMP-- TRUMP IS ON A TRIP
TO A VERY HOSTILE REGION: NEW
YORK CITY.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
HE'SA HE'S--
( APPLAUSE )
THEY LOVE A HOMETOWN BOY.
HE'S IN TOWN BECAUSE THIS
MORNING, HE GAVE HIS FIRST
OFFICIAL ADDRESS AT-- I WANT TO
SAY, STARFLEET ACADEMY?
( LAUGHTER )
RADICAL KLINGON EXTREMISTS.
THEY VIOLATED THE NEUTRAL ZONE.
WE HAD NO CHOICE.
OF COURSE, THE PRESIDENT GAVE US
A PREVIEW OF HIS U.N. SPEECH
YESTERDAY, TELLING REPORTERS HE
PLANS TO "MAKE THE UNITED
NATIONS GREAT.... NOT AGAIN.
MAKE THE UNITED NATIONS GREAT."
SO NOT #MAGGA.
IT'S NOT THE NAME.
IT'S NO SECRET DONALD TRUMP HAS
NEVER LIKED THE U.N.
HE HAS NEVER.
BACK IN 2012, HE TWEETED "THE
CHEAP 12-INCH SQUARE MARBLE
TILES BEHIND SPEAKER AT U.N.
ALWAYS BOTHERED ME.
I WILL REPLACE WITH BEAUTIFUL
LARGE MARBLE SLABS, IF THEY
ASK ME."
( LAUGHTER )
THEY'RE NOT GOING TO ASK YOU
( LAUGHTER )
YOU KNOW WHAT THEY TALK ABOUT AT
THE U.N., RIGHT?
THEY'RE GOING TO ASK YOU TO SEND
SOLDIERS TO UGANDA, NOT SCONCES
TO THE LOBBY.
OF COURSE, THE U.N. WAS FOUNDED
AFTER WORLD WAR II IN THE HOPES
OF CREATING A LASTING PEACE.
SO, NATURALLY, THE HIGHLIGHT OF
THE PRESIDENT'S SPEECH WAS
THREATENING THERMONUCLEAR WAR.
>> THE UNITED STATES HAS GREAT
STRENGTH AND PATIENCE, BUT IF IT
IS FORCED TO DEFEND ITSELF OR
ITS ALLIES, WE'LL HAVE NO CHOICE
BUT TO TOTALLY DESTROY NORTH
KOREA.
>> Stephen: "AND, YES, YES,
DESTROYING NORTH KOREA WOULD
ALSO DESTROY SOUTH KOREA, WHICH
IS WHY I'M ENCOURAGING EVERYONE
IN SOUTH KOREA TO EVACUATE TO
EAST OR WEST KOREA.
( LAUGHTER )
IMMEDIATELY.
AND THE--
AND TRUMP DOUBLED DOWN ON HIS
NEW NICKNAME FOR KIM JONG-UN.
>> ROCKET MAN IS ON A SUICIDE
MISSION FOR HIMSELF AND FOR HIS
REGIME.
>> Stephen: ROCKET MAN?
( LAUGHTER )
MR. PRESIDENT, DON'T
GIVE OUR ENEMIES NICKNAMES THAT
MAKE THEM SOUND COOLER!
"I WILL DESTROY COMMANDER
JETPACK AND ADMIRAL ICE CREAM
SEX MACHINE."
( LAUGHTER )
AND TRUMP HAD A MAJOR COMPLAINT
FOR THE U.N.-- WE'RE NOT GETTING
OUR MONEY'S WORTH.
>> THE UNITED STATES IS ONE OUT
OF 193 COUNTRIES IN THE UNITED
NATIONS, AND YET, WE PAY 22% OF
THE ENTIRE BUDGET, AND MORE.
THE UNITED STATES BEARS AN
UNFAIR COST BURDEN.
BUT, TO BE FAIR, IF IT COULD
ACTUALLY ACCOMPLISH ALL OF ITS
STATED GOALS, ESPECIALLY THE
GOAL OF PEACE, THIS INVESTMENT
WOULD EASILY BE WELL WORTH IT.
>> Stephen: HE'S RIGHT.
WE'RE PAYING TOP DOLLAR, AND
WE'RE NOWHERE NEAR WORLD PEACE.
I MEAN, I JUST SAW SOME GUY AT
THE PODIUM SAY HE'S GOING TO
DESTROY NORTH KOREA!
( LAUGHTER )
AND DONALD TRUMP CALLED ON THE
WORLD TO LOOK TO AMERICA FOR
INSPIRATION.
>> THE GREATEST IN THE UNITED
STATES CONSTITUTION IS ITS FIRST
THREE BEAUTIFUL WORDS.
>> Stephen: HE'S ONLY READ THE
FIRST THREE WORDS.
( LAUGHTER )
"LET'S SEE, LET'S SEE HERE.
.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
"LET'S SEE WHAT WE GOT.
LET'S SEE WHAT WE GOT HERE.
WE THE PEOPLE-- HOW LONG IS
THIS?
IS THERE AN AUDIO BOOK OR
ANYTHING LIKE THAT?
I'LL PARAPHRASE IT LATER."
NOW, THE MOST AWKWARD MOMENT HAD
TO HAVE BEEN WHEN HE BROUGHT UP
VENEZUELA.
>> THE PROBLEM IN VENEZUELA IS
NOT THAT SOCIALISM HAS BEEN
POORLY IMPLEMENTED BUT THAT
SOCIALISM HAS BEEN FAITHFULLY
IMPLEMENTED.
>> Stephen: "I SAID, 'FAITHFULLY
IMPLEMENTED.'
IS THIS ON?
