And now we turn to a classic Edgar Wallace shocker,
The braindead zombies of London.
This week, we all got a bit closer to a no deal Brexit.
Unfortunately.
For the umpteenth time, the British House of Commons 
failed to find a way out of this dead end.
Some are still hoping for a second referendum but... 
what would that achieve?
“Some people want Brexit, some don’t, you know, it was a 50-50 split.
And say if there was to be another vote, then it will go 50-50 the other way.”
Could well be.
You could also say that Theresa May is leading nil-nil.
In any case, the Commons want to prevent a no deal Brexit. So they say.
At the same time, MPs are demanding new negotiations, something the EU has refused ten thousand times.
Dear Brits, how can I explain it to you...
these two resolutions are mutually exclusive, like...
oh, I don’t know... Ryanair and legroom. It just won’t stick.
Sure, the Ireland question is complex,
but the so-called “backstop” was May’s own suggestion.
You have to ask, what are they doing in Parliament the entire time?
Here are the highlights from Tuesday.
Guys! It’s like something you’d see in a primary school.
THIS is what a real debating culture looks like. 
Not like our benzodiazepine Bundestag.
Sadly, the English have no idea themselves of how it ought to work.
So NOT remaining in the customs union, but no border controls between Ireland and Northern Ireland. Not a clue.
And THAT’s something for the poor old EU to sort out. It’s almost like...
... brexual harassment, but seriously now.
Yes, you see, in one go they are turning THEIR problems into ours.
“The Germans and the EU wanted us to sign up to something that would put Northern Ireland at risk of being separated from the rest of the United Kingdom.
I wonder whether German politicians would accept part of Germany being administered in a different way to the rest.”
Yessssss! Which bit do you want?  Bavaria, Saxony, take what you like. We don't give a shit.
Aha.
An audience full of separatists, I get it.
At the same time, ever greater numbers of companies are withdrawing capital from Great Britain.
In Trump language, the English are taking the best path to becoming, excuse me, a shithole country.
Yes. Sorry. Yes.
According to the latest figures, the British car industry, for example, totally collapsed in the last year.
And here’s my favourite bit of news from this week: McDonalds,
the company McDonalds, has announced that in the case of a no deal Brexit, the quality of their products would be at risk.
And that’s not all.
“Viagra, as far as the eye can see. This British online pharmacy is preparing for the worst.
Many in this country have started stockpiling, fearing a hard Brexit.”
Makes sense. I mean...
Hard Brexit without Viagra... difficult.
I think they might take away our Grimme Prize for that one.
So. And at the same time, May’s government has so much else to do, so many real problems.
According to a UN report, millions of British children live in poverty.
And the English working poor are growing in number.
Such a thing would be unthinkable in Germany, ahem...
Oh, ladies and gentlemen, I’m hearing right now that there may be some breaking news about the endless Brexit crisis.
And to be precise, something is going on on the French side of the Eurotunnel.
Reporting live on location for us in Calais is our colleague, Birte Schneider. Frau Schneider, what is going on right now?
That I can tell you: the EU is finally walling up the damned Eurotunnel.
It's finished, over, go home.
Come again?
Yes, yes, they’re walling it up, we are getting on with things, because that lot seem unable to get shit done on their soggy island.
It’s like in the poem, a basket of roses, a kiss in the hay, go fuck yourselves, let’s call it a day.
Sure, unfortunately it’s not quite finished yet, we’re getting more and more British refugees... very difficult to integrate.
At the same time, a few Africans still want to go to England.
Don’t go there, it’s shit!
Now, for me, Frau Schneider, that’s a bit too much Brit-bashing.
Oh, I just can’t hear it any more. Even the word “Brexit” brings me out in hives.
Brexit... it sounds like cat food from Lidl.
Over a year of negotiations and they want to talk about Ireland AGAIN.
We don’t want to talk about Ireland again! NO! NEVER EVER!
Oh look, Granny Buckingham is also making a run for it.
Sure.
Sure,
three hot meals a day aren’t something to be sniffed at.
Over there, they’re already starting to horde food.
Hey! If you're hungry, you can always grill your After Eights!
OK, so some sort of deal would be important for both sides, then.
No, Welke, enough!
“We don't want a customs union but we want something like a customs union.”
Man, English people, you can still stay in the EU and be an egotistical arsehole:
just like we do!
No country has as many current breach of contract procedures against it as us.
We didn’t agree our brainless energy revolution with any other European country in advance.
We shit all over EU regulations when we feel like it.
THAT is the German solution: take the marital vows but keep the free entry to the swinger’s club.
Take a leaf out of our book.
There can you cut up a piece from.
Just so.
We do it right, of course.
You can learn a lot from us
Frau Schneider!
Frau Schneider: How about... Brexit being postponed.
Rubbish. Tomorrow we’re sealing it up.
So? How was it?
I told you so.
Birte Schneider, ladies and gentleman. Thank you.
Well then, how can we bring these Brits to their senses?
Probably, the EU’s secret weapon can help. Our Budget Commissioner, Günther “don't fuck with my backstop” Oettinger.
If he can’t do it, no-one can.
Köster meets Oettinger
OK, I’ll be a Brit and you try to persuade me to stay in the EU.
Do it properly, with feeling.
Please have a sensible Brexit.
In the Commons, in public, because the chaos would hurt you massively and also do us great damage.
Should I react like a normal Brit now?
As you like.
Fuck off!
Good.
In a pub in Stuttgart, Dortmund you can also hear swear words,
“kiss my ass” or, “leave me alone”.
Could we do it like this: you get Brexit out of the way, then the EU joins Great Britain?
The Brits want out, they want to get away from us.
So I think the idea is not really likely.
I believe instead that in fifteen years a new generation of Brits will re-enter the EU.
Are we Germans perhaps also against Brexit because we know how expensive some reunifications can be?
No, we Germans, I believe, the majority, wish that the Brits had stayed.
And we love watching the weddings.
No, not me.
Not you?
You maybe.
We have to accept, in a democracy, that the majority decided in a referendum to leave.
Good, you can also make a free choice to smash your head into the wall.
Yes, but experience makes you smarter.
If you’re three and you touch the hob when it's hot, you don't do it again.
Yes. As it seems likely that the Brits will leave the EU, I would like to finish the last interview with you in English.
Well, I speak very good English, but it’d be stupid to talk it with you now.
I am very bad at English, so I am very happy that you are so good at it.
I speak it very well, yes.
But I don’t want to speak English here on television, here on German television.
We’re also on YouTube quite a lot.
Good for you.
What tip would you give to Theresa May?
Not my job. I respect her.
She dances too.
That’s her affair. I also dance.
What sort of dance?
Viennese waltzes, foxtrot and rock’n’roll.
And on that note, back to the studio.
Günther Oettinger and Fabian Köster, ladies and gentleman.
