

### Help!

I Don't Want to Live Here Anymore

### by

### Brian S. Pratt

Copyright 2009 by Brian S. Pratt

Smashwords Edition, License Notes

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The Fantasy Worlds of

Brian S. Pratt

The Morcyth Saga

The Unsuspecting Mage

Fires of Prophecy

Warrior Priest of Dmon-Li

Trail of the Gods

The Star of Morcyth

Shades of the Past

The Mists of Sorrow*

*(Conclusion of The Morcyth Saga)

Travail of The Dark Mage

Sequel to The Morcyth Saga

1-Light in the Barren Lands

2- Tides of Faith

The Improbable Adventures of

Scar and Potbelly

1-Ice Terraces of Crystal Crag

(to be released Jan 2014)

The Broken Key

#1- Shepherd's Quest

#2-Hunter of the Horde

#3-Quest's End

Qyaendri Adventures

Ring of the Or'tux

Dungeon Crawler Adventures

Underground

Portals

The Adventurer's Guild

#1-Jaikus and Reneeke Join the Guild

### This book is dedicated to my children whom I love dearly, and for every other child whose life may be plagued by less-than-loving adults.

Introduction

Stepparents

Your Feelings Matter

Put Some Shorts On

I Don't Want to Eat That

Talking Bad About the Other Parent

Privates Are Just That...Private

Stop The Whispering

Time For A Swirly

Forcing Emotions

Privacy

But I'm Sick

Chores

Those Are My Letters

An Indian Burn Is Not An

Acceptable Form of Punishment

Tae Kwon Do

Hitting Is Never Okay

I Have To Wear What???

Stop Yelling At Me

My Story*

*A brief history chronicling the time from when I first met my ex-wife, to the time when I left the kids behind and departed for Oklahoma.

Update 23 Feb, 2013

Appendix A: Abuses of Children

Appendix B: Nurturing of Children

Introduction

### This book came about shortly after my kids went to live with their mother and live-in boyfriend. My oldest is a boy of 13, the other two are girls ages 11 and 9. They are wonderful kids, and as a father I couldn't be more proud. Easygoing, fun, giving, and well-behaved, my children are a joy to be around.

### When my ex-wife and I divorced in 2004, I was named the primary parent and they resided with me until mid-July of 2009. It wasn't until I petitioned the court to relocate with my children from Washington to Oklahoma (USA) that the trouble began. She filed her own petition to restrain my move, won, and in the ensuing legalities, was awarded custody of the kids.

### To say the least, my three children were distraught. Angry, hurt and mad as He** wouldn't be too far off the mark either. I had been in their lives since their births, and now I was no longer there. Circumstances beyond my control made my move to Oklahoma unavoidable, with or without the kids. Needless to say, it broke my heart to leave them behind.

### Of course, had their mother and boyfriend been the kind of people who would put my children's needs before their own, things would have transitioned with much less hardship. During one of the last visitations I had with my children before departing for the long road to Oklahoma, we had a discussion. It was the content of that talk that spurred me into writing this book.

### It had been a little over two weeks since they moved in with their mother, and the situation had already begun to meltdown. They spoke of verbal abuse, hour-long time-outs, being kicked out of the apartment to wander unsupervised on their own, and perhaps the most disturbing, the seemingly complete lack of caring about them from their own mother. From her boyfriend we expected things to be bad. Her lack of caring, though it didn't surprise me, was a complete letdown for the kids.

### She wouldn't stand up for them. Anything the boyfriend said, well, that was just the way it was going to be. Even when he called my 11 year old a "spoiled bitch," their mother defended his actions. What kind of mother did they have? Well, the more they talked, the worse the situation became.

### A few days earlier, my youngest hurt herself. She fell, scraped both knees, and when they asked about it, was embarrassed to say how she had fallen off the bottom step of the stairway onto the rocky walkway. (You need to understand that their mother and boyfriend tend to laugh at them if they do things like this and she was afraid to be ridiculed. Or so my kids tell me.) Their mom had just finished bandaging the right knee and was about ready to bandage the next, when the boyfriend asked her again how she did it. Once again, my 9 year old claimed not to know. He then proceeded to stop her mother from bandaging the second knee. "If you're not going to tell me, then we're not going to take care of it."

"But it's bleeding!" exclaimed my youngest's 11 year old sister.

### The boyfriend looked at her, shrugged and said, "It's not bleeding badly. Besides, it will scab over."

### She never received a bandage for the cut. My oldest daughter said that the unbandaged wound bled for over an hour and even left blood stains on the back of one of the front seats in the car. All I could do was give my littlest a hug and tell her it would be all right, though in my heart of hearts I knew it would not be. But what could I do? The court had said her mother was the best place for my kids to be.

### They also mentioned how a gas can had spilled in the car during a drive and that without even attempting to clean the spill other than righting the gas can, the boyfriend had them continue to their destination fifty minutes away. Did they even roll down the windows to dilute the toxic, cancer causing fumes? No. They kept the windows rolled up tight so they (their mother and boyfriend) could be comfortable with the air conditioning while my kids could hardly breathe in the backseat. They begged them to roll down the windows, but he didn't care enough about them to do so. Or rather, he didn't care enough to compromise his own comfort for theirs.

Let me tell you, I was livid. These are the people the court had decreed are best to raise my kids? Unbelievable! We cried together and held each other. At one point during this, my oldest daughter asked, "What can we do?"

### Over the next several hours, we discussed means in which they could bring to their mother's and her boyfriend's attention how their actions affected them. And if that failed to yield results, other means to end the abuse, for abuse is what this most assuredly was.

What we came up with, I have put together into this book. I got to thinking that throughout the world, other families may be going through similar difficulties. Perhaps the ideas we came up with may benefit kids undergoing abuse or maybe just a hard situation. Many feel they are alone and since they are minors, there is nothing they can do. They are wrong. Even a child has a right to seek improvement in their situation. Contained in the following pages are possible avenues through which they can affect change. Or at the very least, understand that they are not the only ones going through a hard time.

### From a father, to the world, let's make a difference.

"Stepparents"

### Not all stepparents are like the stepmother in Cinderella. Most I'm sure are decent and want to provide the best lives for the children that have come into their lives. Ralph, the man my mother married after she and my father divorced, was a good stepfather. Others, though, should never be put in a position of authority over children.

### I'm going to use the term "stepparents" though many may find they have a live-in boyfriend or girlfriend to deal with instead, such as is the case with my own children. There are three types of stepparents: Good ones, those who are indifferent, and bad ones.

### Everyone hopes to have a good stepparent watching over them. The good ones are those that actually care about the children and act accordingly. They are concerned with their well-being, strive to make their lives better, and perhaps most importantly they "sacrifice" for them.

### To sacrifice is to give up something for another person. It could be as simple as when you are down to your last slice of pizza, and should you and your son still be hungry, then you give the slice to your son. Sacrifice is also getting off the computer so your son or daughter can have a turn to play; driving them over to their friends' houses for play-dates; rolling down the windows on a hot day to diffuse toxic gas fumes; the list is endless. Sacrifice simply means making sure another is taken care of before your own comforts are satisfied.

### If you have a good stepparent, count yourself lucky. Many in this world have one of the other two types: indifferent, and bad.

### Indifferents usually do nothing bad, but they won't go out of their way for you either. They tend to be annoying and put themselves first. But at least they won't intentionally do things to harm you.

### Bad stepparents are the ones everyone hears about. Unfortunately, my own kids are plagued with a bad stepparent. These are the ones who don't care about you, tend to shame you, hurt you, and in many little ways, abuse you. Not every form of abuse is physical. Telling a child they are stupid, good-for-nothing and that no one loves them is just as scarring as a blow across the face. In many instances, the scars from verbal abuse run deeper and last longer.

### A good stepparent will hug a child who has been hurt or scared. A bad one will tell them to "Stop your whining or I'll give you something to whine about" or "Suck it up." It's incredible how many times a crying child will be ordered to stop crying because they have "nothing to cry about". And then when they don't stop crying, they are punished for failing to properly obey. That's happened more than once since my kids have been with their mother and "the boyfriend."

### If you have a good stepparent, count your blessings. For the rest, maybe the following pages will give you some ideas about how to improve your situation. I pray that they do.

"Your Feelings Matter"

### Never let anyone convince you that the way you feel is stupid or wrong. The feelings you experience are a result of your interaction with the world around you. If you are sad, there is a reason why you are sad. If you are mad, something has caused you to be that way.

### When you are young, it's often difficult to know what it is that makes you feel the way you do. That is why it is so very important to be allowed the freedom to express the way you feel and discuss it with someone you trust without fear of punishment. We always wish for that person to be a parent, but for some, that is not an option.

### If you are sad and no one seems to care, find someone with whom you can trust to share your feelings. Often there is a caring neighbor, a person from church, a teacher, someone that can help you deal with what you feel. Once you know what is bothering you, steps can be taken to make it better. Keeping your feelings bottled up will only make the situation worse.

### Take my own kids' situation. They have very strong feelings about what is going on in their lives. Their mother and boyfriend tell them that it is none of their business and that they don't want to hear about it, even though the rest of their adolescent lives will be affected. Such uncaring by their mother builds resentment, which in turn will prevent them from sharing other, more important concerns later on in life; issues such as drugs, sex, pregnancy. It is important for kids to feel safe in talking about their feelings, for how else can bad feelings go away?

### Did you know that teachers and counselors at school are great for sharing how you feel? They are experienced with the worries and fears of children, and will do their best to help you through it. Always remember, you are not alone. There are people out there willing to help if you but reach out to them. And if need be, protect you.

"Put Some Shorts On!"

Some of the experiences kids will have with stepparents are not necessarily bad, just different than what you are used to. It can be a culture shock, like how some adults like to walk around the house in just their underwear. YUCK! At least that's how my kids viewed it.

### The rule in our house was always, "Cover the Undies." If girls wore dresses, shorts were put on underneath. Perhaps I went a bit overboard on modesty, but that was the way I was raised.

Now, if you are a teenage boy and you have an attractive stepmother who is fit and well endowed, perhaps you would not care if she chose to strut around in next to nothing. But when it is a man who sags, bags, and drags in all the wrong directions, you would rather not see him in naught but briefs. Boxers might not be so bad, but briefs? Again, YUCK!

"Is it wrong?" my kid's asked, after explaining how their mother's boyfriend does just that.

### I had to shake my head. "No. As long as his privates are covered, he is perfectly within his right." Of course, if things start dangling out in the open, that is an entirely different matter and one I would think for the authorities.

### Always remember, different people were raised differently. Different isn't always bad, just takes some getting used to.

"I Don't Want to Eat That"

### A stepparent's ways can often seem strange and mean. Take mealtimes for instance. Growing up, you were fed certain types of foods, each prepared in a specific way. When a stepparent is introduced, food you never knew existed is suddenly placed before you.

### Stepparents desiring to make the best of the situation will oftentimes ask the child what it is they like or dislike prior to fixing the meal. Most people understand that children are among the pickiest of all eaters, and to force them to eat something they don't like will not generate feelings of endearment. Quite often, failing to discover the child's preferences results in a wasting of the food as it sits uneaten upon the plate.

A similar instance happened with my own kids. Their mother's boyfriend announced that dinner would be ham sandwiches. My boy will eat a ham sandwich but such is not his favorite food. The girls flatly do not like ham; never have.

### Before the meal had even been prepared, my 11 year old girl, knowing that a jar of peanut butter sat in the cupboard, suggested that she and her little sister be allowed to have peanut butter sandwiches instead. The boyfriend said, "No. You will eat what I fix you."

"But we don't like ham sandwiches."

"You are getting a ham sandwich and that is all there is to it."

### Needless to say, the younger girl choked the sandwich down while the dog had the oldest's.

### What harm could there have been in making a peanut butter sandwich? Does this guy like making their lives unpleasant? Or is he just the kind of person who sees any alteration in his plans as an attack upon his authority? I guess "meet me in the middle" is not an axiom to which he ascribes

"I'm sick and tired of you kids complaining about everything I fix!"

### To which the 11 year old girl replied (in her mind) "Then fix us things we like."

### Unfortunately, there isn't much one can do about meal preparation. You either eat it, or not. Not doing so often results in consequences such as being grounded, time outs, and other stuff. Someone who cares will do their utmost to fix meals everyone can enjoy. Some people are nicer than others while a few will cater to their own likes with little care about how everyone else feels.

### But let me say this. You have every right in speaking out as to your likes and dislikes. How else will anyone know what will make you happy? If you don't like spicy food, speak up. Prefer mayonnaise to Miracle Whip? Then you better make it known or be prepared to having Miracle Whip on sandwiches. Communication is the only means whereby you can affect change.

"Talking Bad about the Other Parent"

### Is there anything more hurtful to a child than to hear one parent speak badly about the other in front of them? Hearing horrible things coming from the mouth of one you love, about the other that you love, does nothing but cause pain.

### Most children will not confront a parent about such actions. But kids are not stupid. They hear everything and soak it all in. Some children will come to believe the harsh words while others will feel nothing but pain and resentment.

### My children's mother oftentimes will sit next to them on the couch, or be close while they are swimming at the pool, and run me down continuously with another adult all the while unaware of the tears coursing down her daughter's face. Is she that blind to what is happening around her? Or is it that the telling means more to her than the pain it causes her daughter? All three of my children have mentioned that she does this.

### All I could say was for them to tell their mother how they felt and that she was making them sad. Unfortunately their words fell upon deaf ears as their mother continues still to speak badly of me in their presence.

### If one of your parent's does this, do not be afraid to tell them how it makes you feel. They may be completely unaware of your feelings and most will be considerate enough to stop altogether, or at least take it to another room so you can't hear. Parents quite often don't get along and you should never think it is your fault, because it never is. They may not stop, but at least you will have told them how you feel.

"Privates are Just That...PRIVATE!"

### An interesting thing my kid's doctor told us during their last visit. He said that once a child is past the toddler years, there was no reason for an adult to inspect their privates. The only times would be when there is pain or some other problem has arisen, and then the one doing the inspecting should be their pediatrician.

### I just thought to mention this in the event that any kids out there are being "inspected." If you are one, run, don't walk, to the nearest adult you trust and tell them. Bad things always begin small. Don't let the situation get worse, because sure as God made little green apples, it will.

### Who can you trust with such information as improper "inspection" of a private area? If it's one parent, tell the other. If it's a friend of your parent, tell your parent. If you don't feel safe in telling a parent, then tell your teacher or the police. Remember, 911 is there to help. The worst thing a child can do is to be silent and allow it to happen.

### Often, adults will try to disguise what they are doing by saying it is a game like "Doctor" or "Playing House." They will try to present it in such a way that the child will not even think about talking about what is going on, but that is mainly for younger kids. Older kids get the "Let's keep this as our little secret" to make it seem fun, or they try to scare the kids by saying "If you tell someone, I'll hurt your mother," or may even threaten the child with harm.

### If anyone ever says "Don't tell your parents," the first thing you should do is tell your parents. Never keep bad things secret. Tell someone even if it is your teacher at school or your best friend's mom. Secrets such as these only help the "bad" people and always hurt the "good" people.

"Stop the Whispering"

### Adults don't mind talking about their kids, but they sure hate it when they are the ones being talked about. Frankly, if a person is bothered by others discussing their actions, then perhaps they should consider whether their actions are the right ones. I have always said that if you can't stand on a rooftop and proclaim your actions with pride to the world, then you know your actions to be wrong.

### Take a page from my own life, or rather my children's. At their mother's and her boyfriend's apartment, they have been forbidden to whisper amongst themselves. If they speak, they have to speak so that every word can be heard by all. The reason being, they don't like to think that the kids are talking about them behind their backs. To that I say, that if they would treat the kids with love, respect and kindness, it wouldn't be an issue. As it is, the kids know that if they speak of their displeasure to them that swift retaliation in the form of swats on the butt or marathon time-outs will quickly follow. They seek comfort with each other and have to whisper in order not to be punished for voicing displeasure with whatever is bothering them.

### I told the kids that they should speak their minds in complete honesty, and in a volume that would carry through walls. If their mother and boyfriend wish to hear what it is they are discussing, then they had better be prepared to hear things that will upset them.

### Perhaps they believe that if they can get the kids to speak only about happy things, that they will become happy. To be honest, I don't see how that is even possible when the underlying reason for their unhappiness is being ignored. I truly believe that kids can be happier if their feelings are validated, and some effort is made to make things right.

### If you are in a similar situation and the adults in your life are ignoring how you feel, you might need to get in their face and "wake" them up to the way you are feeling. Now I'm not saying be destructive and start smashing things in the house, though that would definitely get their attention. For to do that would bring down their anger and everything you hoped to achieve would be undone no matter how satisfying it would be. Instead, find someone to help you.

### I suggest talking to a friend's parent, or maybe another relative, one whom you trust. If you go to church, your pastor or priest would be ideal for this. That way, they can be the go-betweens and help you to talk with whoever it is that you are having the problem with.

"Time for a Swirly"

### Probably one of the things kids dislike most about adults is their attempt at humor. Some adults do very well while others have no grasp as to what makes kids laugh. Too many adults think it is funny to grab kids and threaten them with getting a "swirly" without actually intending to give them one. For those who don't know, a swirly is when you hold someone upside down, dunk their head in the toilet, and flush. The resulting action causes the hair on the top of their head to "swirl."

### This is one of the favorite activities of the boyfriend living with their mother. He takes my boy, age 13, grips him in a headlock and drags him toward the neighbors saying, "You're getting a swirly."

### My boy struggles to break the choking grip holding him, but the boyfriend is too strong. He begs for him to let go and all he receives in reply is laughter.

"I don't like this!" my boy exclaims. "Why are you doing this to me?"

"To teach you to fight back. And because I can."

### He intends to "break" the happiness in my boy. You see, my son is one of the most happy, joyful people one could ever know. He likes everyone, always has a good word to say and smiles all the time. For some reason, this irritates the boyfriend.

"You need to grow up and take things more seriously," the boyfriend scolds.

### My son nods his head and slinks away, his spirit, for the moment, subdued. How much more of this can he take before the boy who once was so full of joy is no more?

### Their mother defends the boyfriend's action, and in fact takes part in the "swirly" ritual. The kids can't understand why their mother is allowing them to be so mistreated. "Doesn't she love us? Doesn't she care?"

### Oh, she says she loves them, but I explain that love is much more than just words. Anyone can say they love you. But if they don't back that up with actions of a loving and caring nature, then they are not speaking from the heart, merely mouthing words of little meaning.

### To be honest, I have no clue if she really loves them or not.

### As for what they could do to prevent this from continuing...I suggested that they scream. And not some wimpy scream either. I'm talking about the ear-piercing scream that only a child can make, the sort that nearly peels the paint from the walls.

### My son has a high-pitched voice, and when he lets loose, my ears ring for a day. "If he grabs you again and won't let go, then scream," I tell him. "Scream like you've never screamed before and don't stop until either he lets go or the police show up."

### I further stated how he should do it no matter where he was. If he is being treated in a way that makes him feel embarrassed or shamed, then scream. It's his only weapon for telling them that it makes him feel bad hasn't convinced them to stop.

### So for the rest of you out there, if you are in a situation that you don't like and know to be wrong, scream. They cannot hit you. No one is allowed to hit a child, not even a parent. Spanking is permissible, but not if it leaves marks or continues for more than a couple of swats.

### Should your screaming provoke a violent response, which it may, then call 911 and report it to the police immediately. I hope that such a thing does not happen, but sometimes you have to take the risk if you wish the abuse to end. Anyone that would hit a child will do so again, and usually the beatings only get worse.

### I think physical retaliation is unlikely. Rather, the screaming will make the trip to get a swirly not fun for the adult and after a few times of having their eardrums blasted, it may end. Use your best judgment about trying this. If the person is really scary, then perhaps something else may need to be tried.

### Update:

### I believe my son is no longer getting the "Let's go for a swirly" treatment from the boyfriend. I made quite the stink about it and I think my boy screamed a few times. It's hard to learn exactly what is happening over there since their mother and boyfriend monitor all their calls with me. I have to speak to them on speakerphone and the kids are afraid to say anything for fear of being punished. All I get when I ask them how they are doing is a half-hearted, "Fine."

### I know my kids, and the tone they used was not one that conveyed complete agreement in what they were saying. I think there is more to the story, but at this time, I am unable to hear it. This summer when they come to visit, things will be different.

"Forcing Emotions"

### What do I mean by "forcing emotions?" Forcing emotions is when someone wants you to act a certain way when you feel another. Take my kids for instance. They had been removed from the only parent who had ever taken care of them and were now living with their mother who had never been there for them. Add to that a boyfriend who clearly hasn't a clue as to how to get along with children. Understandably, they are unhappy.

### But the boyfriend condemns them for how they feel, saying how their sadness makes their mother feel bad and that everyone in the apartment complex where they now call home doesn't like them because they are all "downers." He wants them to be happy and willingly go along with every whim he has.

As Colonel Potter is want to say, "Horse hockey!"

### The boyfriend feels that if he but tells them to be happy, or says how their unhappiness brings down everyone else, that their feelings will just magically vanish and they will be transformed into happy little children. Unfortunately for him, he's facing three kids with minds and wills of their own. They hate him and there isn't a whole lot he can do to change that fact. I usually don't like using the word hate, but I'm afraid it applies in this instance. First he took their mother away from us, now he took them away from me. I don't know if he'll ever be able to overcome such obstacles.

### We talked of this and explained how I always told them to be honest and truthful. That is not just for words, but actions too. If they are sad and pretend to be happy, then that is a lie. What good would it serve anyway? All it will do is reinforce the boyfriend's belief that his ways are the best, as if pain, humiliation, and verbal abuse are ways to win the hearts of children.

### If they like what he does, then show happiness. If not, then don't pretend what you don't feel. If adults see an unhappy child, they might take steps to change things. If they see a happy child, everything is great and nothing needs to be changed ensuring that whatever it is that made you unhappy will continue.

### Now, I'm not saying to throw yourself on the floor and have the mother of all tantrums. Rather, express whatever emotion it is you are feeling. You have that right. As the adults, it is their job, not a child's, to fix what is wrong. And how will they know if something is wrong unless you show them?

### Never feel the need to pretend a smile when your heart says otherwise.

On the other side of this, just because you are sad don't miss out on opportunities to be happy. Even someone like the boyfriend will at times have an enjoyable idea, such as taking them to the Dog Park to play with the family dog, or the beach. In times of overpowering sadness, find what moments of joy you can. Enjoy the good times, and show them that you enjoy it. Maybe they will learn and provide more of these good times and less of the bad.

"Privacy"

### This is an issue that has yet to come up between my kids since they went to live at their mother's. What to do if the adults in your life go through your stuff?

### Frankly, it is a parent's duty to keep themselves informed of what the children under their care are up to. Most try to be unobtrusive, but all have a duty to find out if their kid has gone astray. Usually, such invasion of a kid's privacy such as rummaging through drawers, under the mattress, and other forms of searching doesn't come about unless the child gives the adult some reason to believe that something is wrong. Such as drugs. That's the biggie these days.

### Most adults are paranoid that their kids are going to experiment with drugs, and a little thing such as a locked door to their child's room isn't going to keep them out. If a child has a change in behavior, dresses differently such as a sudden interest in Goth, and becomes overly secretive, parents are going to grow concerned and may begin investigating.

### The above investigating is in the best interest of the child, and though annoying, should be taken with grace. Of course, if the only place an adult has riffled through is your underwear drawer, then things could be taking a turn for the worse. Tell someone else what you suspect, never confront the one that you believe is doing the snooping.

### Then there is the mail. This issue concerns me the most. I send my kids letters about every other day. There is nothing in them to concern their mother or boyfriend, I am just afraid that they will think so and begin reading the letters. Perhaps they believe I am marshalling the kids in a campaign to drive them crazy so they will gladly return them. But since my kids are 13, 11 and 9, I hardly think they need my input to drive adults crazy.

### Aside from being a complete breech of etiquette and a violation of trust, opening another's mail is a crime. In the case of a parent opening a minor's mail, that could be construed as needful if the circumstances are right.

### If someone is opening your letters, ask them to stop. If they won't, try to be the one who gets the mail everyday so they won't have to know you are even getting them.

### On a side note, one thing I set up with my kids before I left for Oklahoma was a "Letter Binder." Every other day I write them a letter telling them how I'm doing and that I love and miss them. They are placing these letters in a special binder so that in times when they can't talk to me on the phone, they can re-read the letters and feel that I am there with them. May not be as good as the real thing, but it gives them something.

### It also provides me a way of being there in times of crisis. Every letter has a nugget of wisdom that they can refer to should the need arise, such as how to deal with a bully, saying no to someone who is offering them drugs, that sort of thing. I may not be there, but my values and ethics shall.

### Along with each letter, I send a stamped envelope, fully addressed. That way, all they have to do is insert their letters and mail. Their mother and boyfriend don't even have to be bothered. Which is a good thing since they tend to make fun of anything associated with me.

### If you are separated from the parent you love most, then perhaps something along the lines of the Letter Binder might be a good way to keep them close to your heart. Re-reading letters from a loved one keeps them fresh in your mind and can make even the worst situations bearable.

### Update:

See the section "Those Are My Letters!"

"But I'm Sick!"

### This next one I could scarcely believe even as my oldest girl was laying it out. Here was the situation. My three kids woke up to discover the youngest had a fever of 101.7F. The night before she had a much milder one and was given Tylenol.

When told of this, the boyfriend said that 101.7F was a normal fever for a child of 9. They did not give her any medicine, at that time, to bring the fever down and told her that she could not rest until after her chores were done. For her, chores entailed doing the dishes, wiping down the cabinets, putting away her bedding (the kids slept in the living room at the time), and vacuuming the floor. There might have been others, but these are the ones I recall.

### The 11 year old girl stood up and said that her sister couldn't do her chores and that she needed to rest. The boyfriend said that she should stop being disrespectful, shut up, and go back into the living room.

### When the 9 year old, sick, trembling, stomach aching and sweating up a storm went to tell her mother how sick she was, they told her to stop being a baby and that she better get on her chores unless she wanted to be punished.

### I simply could not believe this insensitivity to a child. And if you think my memory of this might be a bit off, it occurred earlier this morning, not more than 3 hours ago. Any doctor will say that the best way to take care of a fever is plenty of liquids and rest, not chores and recriminations.

### My three kids stick up for one another. They are a great trio. My oldest is on strike and refuses to do any chores. Since their mother and boyfriend consider chores more important than the health and well being of her sister, then she just wasn't going to do them.

### She actually stood up to the boyfriend. Got in his face and told him that her sister needed rest and medicine.

"What?" he shouted. "Do you think you know better than I do?"

"She needs rest."

"I decide what is best for her."

### While the two of them faced off, their mother stood on the sidelines, silent and on the boyfriend's side as usual.

"You are not even a part of this family," the 11 year old cried.

"This is my house and I say what is what." (Actually, their mother gets the rent paid through YWCA of Snohomish County, WA as well as the utilities. It's her apartment in every sense of the word. He just lives there and sponges off of her.)

### Needless to say, as of right now, three and a half hours later, I'm not sure how it has played out. I called CPS and filed a report of neglect and abuse. I hope they do something. This has got to end before one of my kids gets hurt. During the interchange between the 11 year old and the boyfriend, the boyfriend's anger reached its highest level yet. His face red with anger and my daughter thinking he was on the verge of physical violence (which by the way didn't manifest), the boyfriend said in his most menacing tone, "You don't want to go there, do you little girl?"

### Surprisingly, she mustered the courage to say, "If you want to."

### Man was I proud of her! Never before had she stood her ground like that. I think the boyfriend will have his hands full with her from this point on. His constant yelling and degradation of them can only hold its terror for so long before it becomes the norm and loses potency. With the 11 year old, that point has been reached. The other two are still susceptible to it.

I warned her not to push him too far, but then again, I also told her that she should never quietly stand by while injustices occur to her or her brother and sister. They will not cow her spirit. What a little fireball I have. Go on girl!

### Unfortunately, none of this had any effect as to the 9 year old and having to do the chores while she was ill. She did them because they forced her to. If it gets much worse over there, I may start referring to their mother's apartment as the Hanoi Hilton of the Pacific Northwest.

### Okay, suppose you are in that situation. You find yourself sick and no one believes you. Or, they just don't care. About the only thing to do is call 911 and shout, "HELP!!!" and then hang up the phone real fast. When you call 911, the address of where you call comes up on their computer. They always send someone out to investigate and rarely do they call back. During my kids' younger years, the cops arrived on three separate occasions asking if things were okay. Kids love to dial numbers on the phone.

### When the cops show up at the door, shout for them to help you, or the adult in your life will send them on their way.

### You could also try contacting another adult who would be more receptive to how you feel. If you are sick, you are sick and there is nothing more to be said. A sick child must be taken care of. To not do so is abuse and neglect, both punishable by law.

### Never feel there is nothing you can do. There is always some course of action which you can take to ensure you are being cared for.

### Update (Later that night)—

### Due to her mother's lack of attentiveness, my daughter ended up in the Emergency Room with a 103+ degree fever. The doctor said she had a virus, that the fever would go down if she was given plenty of rest and liquids. My oldest daughter stated that when he and her mother brought her sister home from the Emergency Room, the boyfriend looked at her and said, "See. I was right. The temperature was normal. Next time, listen to me."

### She had nothing to say. It wasn't the "normalcy" of the temperature that she had taken exception to, it had been the callous manner in which the boyfriend and her mother had refused to give her medicine and the way she had been told not to cry, not to "Be a Baby" and do her chores.

### So, after all is said and done, the boyfriend remains confident that he had been right and that the kids should always listen to him and do what he says. Their mom merely stands by and goes along with whatever he does. Irritating.

"Chores"

"I have too many chores to do!"

### That is a common complaint voiced by children worldwide. Unfortunately, there isn't a whole lot one can do about the chores you have to do. For the most part, chores are a good thing, it teaches responsibility and shows the child that they are able to be a part of the family and do their share.

### Personally, I have nothing against chores. I do have a quibble with an excessive amount of chores laid upon the narrow shoulders of a small child. A parent should carry the bulk of the household duties and gradually ease the child into helping as it grows. To give a child of 9 who is hampered by a physical handicap a long list of daily chores and then write "I Love You" across the bottom, leaves the child thinking, "Yeah, right."

### Even unreasonable chores are not necessarily bad. Do them with good grace. Not much you can do on this one. You can always go on strike, which means sit down and don't do anything, but I would avoid this except in extreme circumstances. It can lead to severe retribution that could be far worse than taking out the trash or clearing the dishes from the table.

### If you think you have been given too much to do, take a long look at what your parents do every day. It might surprise you that what you think of as too much work, when compared to what they do, is actually not much at all.

### In my kid's case, their mother sits on the couch and watches them do the work, every once in a while offering a point on how they are doing it wrong. She doesn't do anything but maybe cook a meal or two. But then, the kids get to come behind and do all the cleaning for her. Must be nice...for her.

"Those are my letters"

### This one made my blood boil. Here's the situation. Before I left for Oklahoma, I gave my kids a binder, in which they would keep letters I wrote them so should they feel sad or be missing me, they could have them to read. The kids were excited when the first letter arrived and they placed it in the binder.

### I had sent two letters during the week before departing. They had arrived and were in the binder. It was Sunday and I had spent the day with my kids, saying goodbye. It was already a heart-wrenching time, but then Tutu, the step-mother of my ex called me on my cell. What she proceeded to tell me made me madder than I had ever been before. Their mother had not only read the letters while the kids had been away with me, but had read them to her!!!

### Can you believe that? Their mother had told Tutu, "Well, I have to know what's going on."

### Tutu was as upset by this as was I. When I told the kids what their mother had done, they stood with mouths open in disbelief. She had totally violated their privacy. What kind of mother does that? I figured she would read them—she's too much of busy-body not to. But I think reading them to other people had been way out of line. And I'm sure that if she read them to Tutu, then she had read them to all her other friends as well.

### My emotions had been exposed. Words of love I sent to my kids to help them during this painful separation had been put on public display. Knowing my ex, she probably had a good laugh at my expense too. Her actions sullied the letters, and my kids may no longer be able to get the same sense of peace and contentment from them as they once had.

### But what is there to do about such things? If you are the child, what recourse do you have? About the only thing is to tell the adult who did this atrocity how you feel. They may feel regret, apologize for their action, and never do it again. Other than that, I'd say tell another adult, one with some authority like a councilor, teacher, priest, or therapist. They can help you deal with this as well as work through the hurtful emotions such thoughtless actions are sure to raise.

### As the adult on the other side of the issue, I would advise Contempt of Court charges should a confrontation not persuade the offender to never do it again. Adults need to understand that children have feelings and that those feelings can be hurt.

### Update (2 weeks later)

### It seems that the two letters mentioned above are the only letters of the 7 that I have thus far mailed to my kids that have reached them. About the time that the letters stopped arriving, the kids were "forbidden" to check the mail, only their mom and her boyfriend are allowed to check the mail anymore.

### Are we still in America or what? Information censorship was something I attributed to the once powerful Soviet Union or maybe China. Definitely not in the America I love in which this sort of thing doesn't happen. Those letters were between my children and me. Period! I'm wondering if this would be considered mail tampering, which I believe is a felony. I sent an email to my ex asking why my letters were not getting to my kids and also asking if the situation would continue. I'm curious to see if she will admit to it or not. If so, I may have grounds to pursue legal action against her. We'll see.

One thing I plan to do is on Monday, go down to my local Post Office and see what they suggest. Maybe I can get the Postal worker there to sign a letter stating that a letter mailed on that Monday, addressed to my kids, actually went out. Then, if the kids don't receive it, we know it was tampered with. May send three separate letters just so the court can't say that a single letter was lost, as sometimes happens. But three? Doubtful. (I never did this, it was but a thought.)

### My daughter and I worked out a way for her to receive my letters. She has a friend whose family does not know her mom or boyfriend. We've arranged for my letters to go to them, thus circumventing her mother. When they arrive, her friend would hand-deliver it to her. There's more than one way to skin this particular rabbit.

### Update (3 weeks later)

### The rest of my letters that had been sent to their mother's apartment continue to be read and exploited by their mother and boyfriend for their amusement. One had even been thrown away before the kids could even read it. Also, according to my ex, her lawyer has given her the go-ahead to continue intercepting them. My ex claims that my letters are "inappropriate" and that they encourage the kids to defy their authority and promote bad behavior.

### If you read the previous section entitled "Time For a Swirly" you will remember how I told my kids to scream when mistreated. She is using that as an example as to how I am encouraging them to be bad. Of course, when she talks to others about this she leaves out the part where I told the kids to scream only when being "mistreated."

She, her boyfriend and the three kids are now in family therapy, though they've only been living there for a month. My letters are to be given to the therapist so she can know how bad I am. Frankly, I doubt if she will see anything bad in them. It will be interesting to see what the therapist makes of them. (As it turned out, the therapist did not want to read them.)

### I hope therapy helps them. I'm sure their mother and boyfriend are there to "fix" the kids' behavior. I wonder what they will do should the therapist announce that it is their actions which are causing the kids to be miserable and unable to integrate into this new family environment. Either way, I just want my kids to be happy. Happy with me or them, just so long as they are happy.

### Update (4 weeks later)

### The secret is out. I knew it wouldn't last and am surprised it had lasted as long as it had. Earlier this evening, I received a call from my 11 year old. She was at her friend's house and had just been chewed up one side and down the other by the boyfriend about how I was sending letters to her friend's house instead of to her mother's.

### His yelling was intense. He threatened to send her to Juvenile Hall and to have the police arrest me should I continue to send my letters to the friend's house. She was so terrified by his words that her voice trembled over the phone.

### I explained to my daughter that I could send my letters to whoever I wished, that there was no law forbidding it. And as the recipient, she was in no way guilty for what I was doing. Apparently the boyfriend had been one step away from calling 911 about this and reporting me. I wonder what they would have told him?

### 911 Operator: "What is the nature of your emergency?"

### The boyfriend: "My girlfriend's ex is not sending his letters to our house but is instead sending them to a friend of his daughter."

### I don't think they would see this as an emergency. Would they laugh at him? Probably not over the phone, but afterward when they gathered around the water cooler you could bet this one would be passed around.

### Right now it's about the time when my kids usually make their nightly call to me but the phone has yet to ring. I wonder if their mother will allow them to call me or will she attempt a complete boycott of all contact with me. Such an act would violate court orders allowing me "unhampered" contact with the kids.

### My daughter was afraid to go home.

"Are you scared to go home?" I asked her.

"Yes," she replied.

"Are you afraid that you will be hurt by the boyfriend when you go home?"

### Again she replied with a tentative "Yes."

"Then call 911. Tell them the situation and that you are afraid to go home, that you fear the boyfriend might hurt you and you want a police officer to escort you."

### I don't yet know if she called or not. I hope she did. At least if she did, she could be assured of arriving home safely. Another benefit of calling and requesting a police escort would be that the attending officer would make a police report about the incident. A report would go a long way in creating a history that my kids are living in fear. Get enough of those on the books and maybe CPS will intervene.

### It's hard being in Oklahoma when the ones you love are going through a hard time halfway across the country. My heart really goes out to them. No child deserves to live in fear, and definitely should never be threatened with being sent to Juvenile Hall.

**My daughter hadn't called for a police escort when she went home, but nothing happened when she did. I discovered this several days after the fact.**

### Update: (A few days later)

### I called the Snohomish County Sheriff to do a "wellness check." A friend mentioned how the police would swing by and check on my daughter for me. I had no idea they would do that. If there is a concern of domestic violence, or if you lose contact with a loved one, an officer would be more than happy to check it out for you.

### The Deputy Sheriff called and asked for my daughter. She told him that she was fine. The officer called me back and my mind was put at ease. Up until the moment of his call, visions of the worst sort had been traipsing across my mind.

### Part of the problem was that since the kids went to live with their mother, she has had to cut back on expenses. I don't think she realized just how much the day-to-day expenses for 3 children were going to be. Previously, she had unlimited long distance on her cell phone, but now had been forced to cancel that service. She didn't inform me of that so I believed she was intentionally keeping the kids from calling me due to the discovery I was sending my letters to my daughter's friend's house. One short call or email would have prevented much heartache.

### As for the letters, my kids have been instructed to hand over the letters to the boyfriend as they arrive, after reading them of course. He keeps the letters and refuses to give them back. How could letters detailing my life in Oklahoma and the horses that live in the pasture next to the house, be in any way threatening to him or the kids' attitude? Maybe he believes that by taking away everything that has to do with me will in some way make the kids happier to live with him; out of sight, out of mind as it were.

### If that is his plan, I don't think it is working too well. He, their mother, and the girls are in family therapy. They hope to get the therapist to figure out why my 11 year old daughter hasn't come to grips with living with the boyfriend. I doubt if he can even comprehend that it may be due to the way he has treated her and her siblings since they came to live with him and their mother. How can a girl be happy when her brother is called an as*****, her sister is given Indian Burns, and she herself is yelled at nearly every day? If they want a happy home-life, then it is my belief that the change will need to come from him and their mother, and the way they treat the children. Unfortunately, the boyfriend will never see how he deals with the kids as wrong.

### In therapy, my daughter tells me how he and her mother tell the therapist how it is my fault that she acts up and isn't happy when at home. There had been times when tears welled in her eyes at the things they were saying. I tell her to speak up and tell the therapist everything that bothers her. She replies that doing so in front of the boyfriend and her mother is very hard. She fears that if she does, she will face punishment when they return home. Or if not punishment, then a "lecture" of how she shouldn't lie in therapy that would include much yelling and derogatory language. Hopefully in the next session, she will have the courage to speak up. Silence will only allow the abuses to continue.

"An Indian Burn is NOT an

### Acceptable Form of Punishment"

### Situation:

### Since they now have three children living with them, their mother and boyfriend moved from their 1-bedroom apartment to a 3-bedroom the first of September. During the move, the boyfriend gave my youngest an Indian Burn because she was not "pulling her weight."

How much can a 9 year old with a disability that makes her right side weaker than the left, do? For those who don't know, an Indian Burn is when you grab someone's wrist with both hands, squeeze tightly, and twist your hands around the wrist in opposing directions. It can be very painful. The one given to my daughter was painful and left a mark that lasted over a day.

### At about the same time, the boyfriend called my son an as*****, for not helping. Apparently, when my kids don't "perform" in the manner the boyfriend desires, they have to endure verbal abuse.

### I don't know about you, but I can hardly believe that such abusive language will in any way motivate a child's desire to do what the boyfriend wants. It might, however, make them so terrified of further abuse that they will do their best to meet his wishes. Maybe fear and intimidation are the methods he has chosen for a parenting style. I hate the fact my children now have to live in fear.

### At 9 years old, a time-out or taking away a privilege such as computer time or having a child miss their favorite show does the job just fine. But deliberately causing pain because a child did not work hard enough can only be called child abuse. Sugar coat it as you will, it is just plain wrong.

### Unfortunately, the mark is now gone and little can be done other than making a report to CPS (Child Protective Services). If enough of these "minor" occurrences happen, maybe they will do more than to merely send their mom and her boyfriend a letter.

### Any child who experiences pain, other than a swat or two on the rump, as punishment, should tell someone such as the other parent or another trusted adult. Painful punishment, I believe, is as counter-productive as the Spanish Inquisition had proven to be. A tap on the back of the hand with a word of reprimand is ten times more effective than a blow across the face, or back, or chest, etc. And that includes Indian Burns.

"Tae Kwon Do"

### Situation:

### Their mother signed them up for a month of Tae Kwon Do. It sounded great at first until it quickly became a way for them to mete out more punishment. You see, whenever the parent tells the Tae Kwon Do instructor that one of his students has been "disrespectful" at home, the student gets to do knuckle push-ups.

### The kids do love going, but ever more frequently, it has become a dread as knuckle push-ups grow to be a daily occurrence. Can't their mom and boyfriend leave one aspect of their life free of punishment, or threat of punishment? Is it too much to ask for them to enjoy something? It is where their mother and boyfriend are concerned...apparently.

### My kids have no choice. If they wish to continue Tae Kwon Do, then they must endure the knuckle push-ups which my oldest daughter says leaves her arms, hands, and knuckles sore until the next day. She claims that her knuckles "pop" constantly while she does them which I'm sure can't be good.

### I told my daughter that if it continues, and she no longer enjoys Tae Kwon Do, then she should refuse to do the knuckle push-ups and quit. It does no good if you are being abused by your instructor just so the parents can get away with treating her badly. You see, speaking your mind and voicing your opinion at their mother's apartment is considered "disrespect." Standing up for your siblings is "disrespect." Showing anything other than blind, unquestioning obedience, no matter how detrimental or wrong doing so may be, is "disrespectful." When my 11 year old daughter was going to the bathroom, her mother barged in and said, "Keep this door open!"

"But I'm going to the bathroom," my daughter protested from where she sat on the toilet with pants down around her ankles.

"No secrets. Keep this door open."

### My daughter refused and the door finally stayed shut. The reason their mom wanted the door open was that my daughter was talking to me on the phone at the time. She got knuckle push-ups because she didn't want anyone who happened to walk by, like the boyfriend, to see her on the potty. It breaks my heart, but what can I do half a country away?

### They are cultivating an atmosphere of trepidation, and by so doing, will create an environment where the kids will be reluctant to voice any issues they may have in their lives; issues such as drugs, sex, bullying (other than from the boyfriend's that is) and so forth. When they are troubled, who are they going to turn to? Thus far in their lives, it had been me, and continues to this day. They tell me everything, which is obvious from the amount of material I have been able to accumulate for this book.

### All I can tell my kids is to always do what is right, even if they get punished for it. For not to do what is right, will make them bad people too. A person has to stand up for what they believe no matter what the consequences may be.

### Update:

### Knuckle push-ups are going away. Time spent with the therapist appears to be paying off for the kids.

"Hitting is Never Okay"

### Situation:

### During my call with the kids last night, my youngest daughter put her feet on her older brother. He repeatedly hit her feet to get them off. When I asked why he was hitting his sister, the answer received from my 11 year old daughter was, "That is what he is told to do."

Did I hear that right? Could it be possible that my son is being encouraged by his mother and her boyfriend to resort to violence to solve his problems? As the discussion wore on, it became very clear that that was exactly what was happening.

### My son, who up until the time he went to live with his mother had never hit anyone in anger or play, was now using his fists to get his way. The boyfriend believes this will "make a man of him;" his mother of course goes along.

When faced with his younger sister putting her feet on him, little sisters of course love to antagonize their older brothers, my son is told, "If she doesn't remove them, hit them until she does."

### According to my oldest daughter, they do not deal with the fact his little sister is the one who started it. They do not tell her to stop, nor do they have her remove her feet. No. Their mother and her boyfriend tell him to hit.

### Is this how they want him to resolve his issues? At 13 when testosterone is surging through his system, I doubt if this is the best time to "condition" him to hit. Full of raging and conflicting hormones, boys at this age are prone to hit anyway; no sense in encouraging it.

### I am afraid that if this continues, he will grow to see violence as the way to resolve a problem at school, on the bus, or in other aspects of his life. Aren't we supposed to teach our children tolerance, and to use our brains to resolve disagreements? Apparently not in their mother's, excuse me, I mean in her boyfriend's household.

### My kids also inform me that their mother "play fights" with them. The 9 year old and the boy enjoy fighting with their mother, but my 11 year old daughter, thankfully, sees this as not being an appropriate form of play. She chooses to abstain and not retaliate when her mother playfully "punches" her. And how hard does a "playful punch" have to be before it is no longer considered playful?

### I always thought children's playtime was how they learned to interact with others later on in life. If that play involves physical violence, violence that is rewarded with praise by their mother, I would think that such inappropriate actions will resurface at the wrong time later on when they are faced with an unpleasant situation.

### According to their mother, if someone does something you don't like, hit them. If the instance used in the above "Situation" isn't a good example of that, then I don't know what would be. I hope this isn't the case, but since I have no firsthand knowledge and am only going on what my children relate, it's hard for me to come to an informed decision.

### When I told them that hitting was wrong, I heard in the background, "Your father doesn't have any say in what goes on here." Which was true, but I planned to have my say anyway. There needed to be at least one voice in their lives that stood for reason and "thinking" of possible solutions rather than violence.

### It's hard for a child to resist indulging in bad behavior when those in charge offer praise for being bad. I applaud my 11 year old daughter for having the strength of character to not only know what was right, but to reject that which was bad.

When faced with "Don't be a stick in the mud," or "You're no fun," she stands her ground and does what is right. Man, I am proud of her!

### Near the end of our telephone call, my 11 year old was crying. She doesn't like being around violence, and she badly wants out of there. It is very hard for her to transition from a home where hitting was not allowed to one where it is now being encouraged.

### I can't help but wonder should the boy get into a fight at school, where would the blame lie? Him, or his mother for teaching him to respond that way? I fear for him and what he may become. I can only hope the lessons of tolerance and love taught to him during his first thirteen years will be strong enough to counteract what he is being exposed to now. He's a good boy and I dearly love him.

"I Have to Wear What???"

### Situation:

### This one covers two items. One is that they are no longer allowed to choose the clothes they can wear, and the other is that their mother won't let the girls cut their hair because she wants them to have it down to their waist.

### The first one deals mainly with my youngest daughter, the 9 year old. She prefers pants that stretch rather than jeans. The main reason is that in previous years, she had been, and still is as of this printing, overweight but not excessively so; just has a bit of a belly. In school, the kids sit on the floor for assemblies, and if she wore jeans, her belly would push them down to reveal her crack.

### Her mother also doesn't like the rest of her choice in clothes. It isn't "Britney Spear-ish" type clothes, the sort that is skimpy and reveals too much. Rather, it is more of a boy cut. My belief is that she has chosen to ignore her daughter's sense of style for her own due to her boyfriend's statement that he thinks my 9 year old dresses like an "Old Hag."

### I always felt that a child should be free to express themselves, good or bad, but with parental veto reserved for the extreme cases. Kids' style of today is certainly not like the style of my time. Each generation has its own "color." From tie-dye to bell-bottoms, to big hair and Goth, kids need the freedom to discover who they are.

### I told them there isn't much that she could do. My first instinct was to tell them that if they didn't like the clothes, then the clothes should "disappear" or "accidentally" become unusable due to a high concentration of rips and tears. Such actions, though, rarely gets the response you want. I merely told them to persevere and pick the best of what was available.

### An anecdote from my younger years seemed to help. It was back when I was in Kindergarten and my mother had bought me this blue vest to wear. She thought I looked great in it, but I hated wearing it. It just wasn't "cool."

### Everyday she would put it on me, and everyday after I arrived at school, off it went and remained stuffed under the loose clothes at the back of the coat closet until time to go home. I never once wore it to school. Quite often, it wouldn't even survive the bus ride.

### Kids always find some way to rebel when they are forced to do something they don't want to do. I think that if their mother would work with my 9 year old instead of forcing her sense of style upon her, my daughter would be all the happier.

### While I discussed this with the kids, I heard their mother in the background say how "The kids reflect upon the parent." They were on speaker phone because she has to listen in on every conversation I have with them. Seems she thinks I am trying to get them to act up on purpose and make her life difficult. Anyway, that is another discussion.

### Her statement, "The kids reflect upon the parent" seems to indicate that her main concern is how the world will view her, not so much the way her daughter feels while wearing clothes she does not like.

### Basically, I told them to endure. Not much they can do about this one

### The second one, where the girls are not allowed to cut their hair probably bothers me more than being unable to wear the clothes they want.

My 11 year old prefers to have her hair to just slightly below her neck. She has very, very thick hair and once it gets past her shoulders, it's a nightmare to brush, I know. My 9 year old balks at brushing her hair and tangles are a constant problem. Long hair only makes it worse. Can you say "Rat's Nest?"

This one is kind of funny in a way. When their mother and I first got together, she would tell me how she could never have long hair when she was a child because those in charge of her cut it to about shoulder length. She explained how she hated being unable to have her hair the way she wanted.

"If we have girls," she would say, "They are going to have long hair."

### At the time I thought she meant that they would have long hair if they wanted long hair. I had no idea that she planned to "force" it upon them. In a sense, she has become that which she hated: someone who seeks to supplant a child's individuality by superimposing their own tastes upon them.

So what if the girls want short hair? How else are they going to learn what it is they like unless they are given the chance to experiment? And frankly, the last time you want your children to begin "experimenting," is after they are 18 and have left the house.

They need to learn that their actions have consequences at an early age when we as parents are there to help them through. A bad haircut, after all, does grow out. Self-expression is very important to a child. Their individuality is coming through especially as they approach the teen years, and will be in full force once they hit the teens.

### As a parent, I might put my foot down if the girls wanted to shave half their head, or have a Mohawk. That would be just a bit too extreme for me to handle. But merely cutting a few inches off so they can be comfortable and have the style they wish? I ask you, what can be the harm?

### Maybe it goes deeper than a difference in style. It might be that their mother could see their not wanting the style she chose for them as a threat to her authority. From what the kids have said to me, speaking out against what she or her boyfriend has decided is considered "disrespectful." This could be just a point of her having decided, and that is that. No discussion allowed.

### To be honest, I told my 11 year old that when her hair grew too long, take a pair of scissors and hack it off to her desired length. What will they do, glue the strands back on? Or will they get mad and say, "So, you want short hair, do you?" and proceed to shave her head or give her a Pixy-cut. Such an action would not surprise me.

### In the grand scheme of things, these two items are really quite minor. But, they do create sadness and do not draw the kids closer to their mother. Her biggest concern when I proposed to move the kids to Oklahoma was that her bond with them would suffer.

### I believe she has done more to hamper the bonding in the time since the kids moved in with her than anything that separation could have done. Little things like clothes style and hair length could be opportunities whereby she could show them she cares about how they feel. Kids need to win battles every once in a while, especially ones like the two spoken of here, when it really doesn't matter one way or another. To let them express themselves would be a way for her to show them that they are important and that she respects them. Perhaps one day, she will come to see that.

"Stop Yelling At Me"

### Situation:

### The phone rang at their house and my 9 year old answered it. It was Tutu who is the kids' maternal step-grandmother and had been involved with their lives since they were born. They are very close to her and share a deep, loving bond. When the ringing stopped, the boyfriend raced out of the bedroom and began yelling.

"Who answered that phone?"

### Full of fear at the boyfriend's rage, my 11 year old pointed to her younger sister. When we talked of this, she said how she regretted ratting out her sister, but the fear instilled within her by the boyfriend made the reaction nearly automatic.

"You are not to talk to her! She says bad things to your mother and as such, you are not allowed to speak with her." Snatching the phone out of her hand, he quickly hung up.

### I'm paraphrasing what the boyfriend said as my daughter was unclear as to the exact wording used. He did continue to scold my youngest for some time about how she, nor the other two, was not to answer the phone.

### From other conversations with my oldest daughter, such an abusive reaction is nearly a daily occurrence. My kids are afraid to say or do anything for fear of incurring his wrath. And does their mother stick up for them? Not that they have mentioned. In her eyes, the boyfriend can do no wrong.

### This instance is abuse on so many levels. First of all, yelling at a child is never permissible, at least, not from the get-go. A parent should reason with them, explain things, and make them understand the necessity of what it is they are not supposed to do. That is what I always did and had positive results. Yelling only makes them want to act up all the more or shuts them down, and then you never know what is going on in their lives.

### The second form of abuse this action takes is how he and their mother seek to punish the grandparents by withholding contact with the kids. They are her parents, or at least half of them, that we are talking about here. They were the ones that took her in from a foster home when life with her mother became unlivable. They were the ones who provided her with a life where she could grow and mature as a young woman. They were there for the kids' birth and helped us through many hardships, even once bought us a van. And yet they are treated this way?

### My daughter says her "Tutu" is being treated this way because Tutu believes their mother should not have the kids, and also brings up her displeasure at how her grandchildren are being treated. She and her husband, whom the kids call Pop-Pop, really love the kids and only want what's best for them. Tutu told me during a recent call that it makes her sick at how the kids are being treated. Not just emotionally sick, but physically ill, too.

### Now, what do you suppose is going on in the minds of my children during all of this? Do they care that their mother and grandparents are having a falling-out? Not in the slightest. All they know is that their mother monitors their calls, prevents them from speaking with those they love, and that to speak up against it will incur the boyfriend's wrath. Can this be a healthy, nurturing situation? I doubt it.

You might ask, "Why I don't speak up about this?" Well, when your calls go straight to voicemail, and emails get nothing but replies like, "If you would just stay out of this, the kids would not be unhappy," or go unanswered altogether, you stop trying. I've called CPS on a number of occasions, but unless the kids have been physically or sexually abused, and I can prove it, they won't do anything.

### As crazy as it might sound, my ex-wife believes I am the cause of the kids' lack of assimilation into her household. She firmly believes that my letters and calls are nothing more than an attempt to create dissent in the ranks as it were. My letters are being read first, one has actually been thrown away without the kids even seeing it because of "inappropriateness" and "lies." Frankly, I think that if they started treating the kids with kindness, respect, and allow them some small measure of privacy, the kids would behave much better. Sadly, she won't listen to me. But anyway, enough about this.

### One way my oldest daughter gets around the restriction against talking to Tutu is by calling from a friend's house. Her mother and boyfriend forbade her from doing it, even for her to call me, but that hardly stops her. In fact, she calls me nearly daily from a friend's house. Most of the time, we talk about day-to-day activities each of us have done. Once in a while though, we talk about issues such as the one I am discussing here.

That is the only real way I can see that kids can keep in contact with loved ones when those who have guardianship over them forbid it; call from somewhere else.

### Update:

### Calls are now being accepted from their Tutu, but only intermittently. Tutu tells me how it saddens her to have to go weeks before she gets to talk to the kids. The kids don't like it much either. Apparently the most recent time she got to talk to them was when their mother anticipated a call from someone else and accidentally answered it. If not for that, Tutu might still not have been able to speak with the kids.

### As for myself, I've spoken with the kids once during the period of Sept. 1 through Sept. 24. I have their letters which come every other day and that is helping me to make it through this. I've left messages on voicemail and email to arrange for a time for me to call so I can get through, but thus far, have received nothing but silence in reply. I keep trying though. I love my kids and wish I could speak with them more often.

My Story

### During the course of editing, a couple of those whom I sought help in fine-tuning this book suggested that I include the full telling of events leading up to the July fiasco. Having the story in its entirety, they said, would make the anecdotes used in the various sections all the more meaningful. So, here it is. This is my tale from shortly before I met the woman who would be the mother of my children, until the time just after the worst moment of my life—going to Oklahoma...alone

### This is my story...

### It all began in 1992. I was a shift manager at a Pizza Hut delivery unit in Everett, WA. I was alone and in dire need of the company of a woman. Not just the physical side, though I greatly desired that aspect, but what I really wanted was a companion. My grandparents celebrated fifty-four years together before my grandfather passed away; and I wanted to find a woman who would be there for me, or I for her, when the Grim Reaper came calling.

### My one real handicap in finding a satisfying relationship is that I am plagued with social anxiety in a bad way. The mere thought of going up and introducing myself to a woman is nearly beyond my capacity. So, you might ask, how did I overcome this? Simple, I placed an ad in a local newspaper.

### Yep, that's right, a small blurb right in the middle of the personals. I made sure the ad said nothing that wasn't true; basically that I wasn't a partier, didn't drink or smoke, and my favorite pastimes included taking drives through the mountains and idling away an hour doing nothing more than enjoying the simple murmur of a running brook.

### The ad came out a few days before Christmas. The way it worked was that those who were interested would call the number supplied by the paper and leave a message. My soon-to-be wife called on Christmas Day and I heard it the day after. She was the first to reply. I don't know if there were other calls since after hers, I stopped listening to the messages.

### I still remember our first date. Though terrified, I steeled my nerve, fought the onset of a bad case of anxiety and actually made it to the front door. For over halfway there, I was on the verge of turning back. Somehow, I arrived.

With a single rose in hand, I walked to the door. My heart thumped; I was probably sweating to beat the band. You can still turn back. Squelching the fearful voices in my head, I rang the buzzer.

### The woman whom my kids would call Tutu answered the door. As I understand it, Tutu is Hawaiian for grandmother. "Oh, is this for me?" Plucking the rose out of my hand, she opened the door and gestured for me to come in.

### It took me years before I got over her taking the rose meant for her step-daughter. She didn't take to me much at first. Now though, we have a great relationship of mutual respect and admiration.

### The mother of my kids came out, and I sat with her in their living room. Her father and step-mother proceeded to grill me during that ever important event in which they sound out the boyfriend. After several minutes of questioning, I was deemed suitable and off we went.

### Our first date held little in the way of romance, merely dinner at The Keg, a steakhouse popular in the Pacific Northwest and a short drive along the local freeway afterward. To be honest, I cannot recall if she ever got that rose until after the date. I suppose it really doesn't matter.

### During a short courtship, I received a promotion to Assistant Manager and transferred to Edmonds, WA where a delivery unit was about to open. The move also meant I needed to change residences. I asked her if she would like to move in with me. She jumped at the chance. And so we moved into a one-bedroom apartment in Edmonds, WA.

### It was a dream come true for me. I loved having someone to come home to, and she seemed content to play the housewife. She did try to work at another Pizza Hut, but after it burned down (wasn't her fault), decided that working was not for her.

It wasn't long before she began exhibiting odd behaviors. Nothing bad, mind, just odd. They remained low-key until we went to the movies to see Arnold Schwarzenegger in True Lies. A third of the way through, she said she wasn't feeling good and that she needed to go.

### I suppose I should have paid more attention to what she had to say, but I was so into the movie that I told her to wait. Had I known what was on the horizon, I would have left on the spot and sped straight to the Emergency Room.

### By the end of the movie, she was in a far-off place. She reacted to me, made short responses to what I said, but there was something missing. I helped her to the car and sped home. Halfway there, the screaming started.

### She screamed all the way home and fought me the entire way. I got her inside and put her straight to the bed. The screaming had quieted some but she no longer responded to me and seemed in a dream-state. A few minutes later, she came around.

"Are you okay?" I asked.

### She looked at me as if she didn't know who I was. It took a few seconds for recognition to hit. "I'm tired," was all she said.

### For the next three days she went in and out of the blackouts; sometimes with screaming fits, sometimes not. A few times I had to physically restrain her from hurting herself. I was scared let me tell you.

### Apparently there was an aspect of her past, one which I shall not go into here, that she failed to mention to me. A past I can hardly contemplate and one that has left her with scars no one should have to bear. She thought that if I knew, I would leave her. After all, who would want someone with such baggage?

### I didn't leave. I assured her that I loved her and that it made no difference to me. That seemed to have a calming affect. She got help with the issues burdening her and things improved.

### A little over a year down the road, and a battery of pregnancy tests later, it was confirmed that she was pregnant. I can't recall if we had planned it or if it just happened, either way, our son was on the way.

### One thing I'll mention only because of the proud daddy that I am, the ultrasound of my boy showed he had hair. Flowing locks of hair! From what the tech said, seeing hair on an ultrasound was unusual though not unheard of. I thought that was pretty darn cool.

### What wasn't cool was the way the body of his mother reacted to the pregnancy. In the second trimester, she began to go downhill. Her body started shutting down: kidneys, liver, you name it and it was on the way out. She couldn't handle the pregnancy. Where a woman usually gained twenty to thirty pounds during pregnancy, she lost twenty-five. Things were desperate.

### During week thirty-three of the pregnancy, just under seven weeks early, I was at the hospital with her when the doctor came in.

"We are afraid that if we delay delivering this baby any longer, the mother will die."

### I couldn't believe what I was hearing. It was like something out of a Soap Opera. "But the baby's lungs aren't fully developed yet," I argued.

### That was something the hospital staff had repeatedly stressed over the last month. At this stage of the pregnancy, every day that the pregnancy continued toward the magic Fortieth Week increased the baby's chance for survival. At week thirty-seven, the chances were very good for survival. We still had a little over three weeks to go.

"There's a good chance the baby will survive," the doctor explained. "But if we wait much longer, we could lose both the mother and the child."

### What else could we do? We gave the doctor the go-ahead and the pregnancy was induced.

### They gave her the medicine to induce labor then sent me home to gather some items she might need. I raced home and grabbed her bag. I almost forgot the car seat for the little guy which was needed to be in the car or the hospital wouldn't allow the baby to go home when it was time.

### When I returned to the hospital, the waiting game began. They checked her every hour and her cervix was not dilating as it needed to do in order for the baby to be born. If it didn't, they would have to do a C-Section, and such invasive surgery, with her in such a weakened condition, was risky in the extreme.

### Six hours or so later, still no dilation. When nothing seemed to be happening after another couple hours, they made the call to send her to the University of Washington hospital because they had a specialized machine that would benefit her. They told me to get there as fast as possible.

### As they made ready to roll her down to a waiting ambulance, I flew through the hospital in record time and actually had the key in the ignition before I realized I had left the camera up in the room. Unwilling to miss out on capturing the blessed event for posterity, I raced back through the hospital.

### She was still in the room looking pale, scared and so alone. I came to her and brushed an errant hair from off her face. "How do you feel?"

### Just then, the nurses arrived with two orderlies and they took hold of the bed and began wheeling her from the room.

"I feel like I need to push." Her voice was soft and weary, but I heard those words.

"Nurse!"

### When I relayed what she had said, the nurse replied, "Those are important words."

A doctor was at hand and he checked her. "You're not going anywhere!" Her cervix had dilated a huge amount. The baby was coming!

### Had I not forgotten the camera, or had the Ambulance been ready when the decision was made to send her to the UW hospital, I would have missed the birth. As it was, the moment we had waited so long for was at hand; but we had to wait. The neo-natalogist, a doctor who specializes in premature births, was not in attendance. We had to wait. Those few minutes before he arrived were some of the longest in my life.

### As soon as the specialist arrived, the hospital marshaled its forces. When I learned what my role was to be in this whole procedure, a small part of me longed for the days when the father was supposed to hang out in the waiting room.

"It's crowning," the nurse announced.

### I looked and saw a head of hair poking out. "Oh my God!" I cried. "It's got hair!" Two pushes later and he was born.

### They quickly went to work, cleaning him up. I can still recall his cry, it sounded like a little lamb's. In the movies, babies had lungs that could peel paint from the walls, but not my boy.

### Born six weeks early and weighing 5 pounds 1 ounce, he was the smallest thing I had ever seen. I could cup his head in my palm and his butt wouldn't even reach my elbow. If we hadn't had a crib waiting for him, he could have slept just as comfortably in a shoebox.

### Mother and son were both in a bad way and for the next month, the hospital was their home. It was 1996. He was born in March and we got married not long after on June 17.

### It was great having a family. I loved it. It was everything I hoped it would be. We tried for a second child once she had healed sufficiently after the first. With the complications inherent in the first, we made sure to have frequent doctor visits and lots of bed rest. We managed to take this one full term and our first girl was born a whopping 9 pounds 3 ounces.

### I couldn't believe the difference in size. To this day, she is still bigger than her older brother.

### A boy and a girl, could anything be better?

### During this time, the Nashville Network had the Statler Brother Show on Saturday nights. It's a country music variety show. We would dance to it with each other and with the kids. From this point until our third daughter was born was the best in our whole relationship. We were close, interacted well, but most of all, we were happy. Or so I thought.

### After our youngest, another girl, was born in 1999, things began to go bad. We moved to a three-bedroom apartment in Lynnwood, WA where we remained until our breakup in 2004.

### The turning point, and I'm not exactly certain of the date, was when I suggested that she have a girl's night out with her friends once a week just to get away and have some "me" time. I would watch the kids. If I had known what opening that Pandora's Box would do, I'd have nailed the lid shut right then and there.

### At this time I drove taxi for a company in Shoreline, WA. I left my job at Pizza Hut due to stress some time earlier. There was too much strain on my life at the time and things at work began to go downhill.

### My wife would complain if I had to work one minute longer than anticipated, or if I had to put in extra hours because of an upcoming inspection or visitation by an important member of Pizza Hut hierarchy. She would rag on me, saying how I loved my job more than her. This was patently false. I cared for her and the kids above and beyond the job. When I had to give up one or the other, I chose them and left a $40,000+ a year job behind. Six months later I started driving taxi (which as it turned out consumed more of my time than Pizza Hut ever had.)

### The shifts were 12 hours, so I would at times be gone upward to 13-14 hours a day depending on the final fare. Invariably, upon walking through the door, my wife would say, "I'm tired and need a break." At which she would mumble something about meeting her "friends" at a local bar. She would be gone until the wee hours of the morning.

### Tired from driving all day, I looked around at a messy apartment, dishes in the sink, laundry to do, dirty diapers to be changed, and three sad faces wondering where their mother was. Sighing, I would do my best to console them as I tried to put things to right. By 8 o'clock, the kids would be down and I'd have a few hours of quiet before going to bed.

### This went on for several years. Later I would find out that during these nights out with her friends, she had been actually meeting men for rendezvous at local hotels or their houses. Sometimes one of her girlfriends would accompany her, sometimes there would be more than one man. Meanwhile, I stayed home taking care of the kids.

### You might think it unbelievable that I remained ignorant of her nocturnal activities, but I am basically a good person and believed that she was good, too. But that would change in 2003. It was at this time that she laid it all out for me, even admitting to being with a man in our apartment during our "engagement" period way back when. She said nothing happened, that even though clothing had been optional nothing happened. I hardly give that any credence now.

### Two incidents during her "going out" phase stand out in my mind.

### One happened around 8 o'clock in the evening and the kids had just gone down to bed. Their mother was at a party at a friend's house. The door opened and she quickly went into the back to give the kids their night kisses. When she reappeared and headed for the front door to return to the party, she turned to me and said, "You know, I was having a perfectly good time. But I knew that if I didn't give the kids their kisses, I'd hear about it in the morning." She walked out the door and didn't come back for hours.

### I think the reason this incident has stuck with me was that she hadn't returned to make the kids feel good, or to show that their mother loved them. She had returned so I would not get on her about not being there. It is true that during this period of our lives, I tried to tell her how the kids feel, how they cried whenever she wasn't there to say "goodnight." But her reply was "Stop playing your mind games." As if telling a mother her children were sad was a mind game.

### The second instance was when she suggested I get a Vasectomy. Let me tell you, I was not in favor of this at all. But she wheedled me, set up an appointment with Planned Parenthood and eventually convinced me to go through with it. For a man, there is little recovery time after the procedure, but what she would have had to undergo would have been much more invasive and painful. So I agreed.

### We went to the doctor's office, I had the procedure, then she drove me home. It was Friday and the doctor had said I should stay in bed and rest until returning to work on Monday. Well, my rest lasted all of about an hour.

I would ask for a glass of water, or help in one way or another, and she would give me that look. "You know, if I had known how much trouble this was going to be (for her) then we would never had gotten it done."

Thanks for telling me that now! I thought with pain throbbing in that one place men don't particularly like to feel pain.

### She climbed in bed next to me, said how tired she was and that she didn't feel good. When the kids came in needing attention, attention such as changing diapers or that they were hungry, she merely laid there and ignored them. I had to get up, painful though it was, and take care of them. I finally had to return to work just to heal. The site of my surgery didn't stop bleeding for a week, even though it should have ceased in a day or two had I been allowed proper rest.

### That last one is a good example of our entire marriage. If I was tired, she was always more tired. If I was sick, she was sicker. Never in the 10 years of our life together did she utter the words, "Honey, you're not feeling good. Why don't I do that for you and you just rest." Words like that always seemed to stick in her craw.

### Maybe it was in the middle of 2003 or near the end, I'm not sure, but she met the man who is currently her live-in boyfriend, the one I've spoken of in all the situations detailed in this book. At the time, he was sponging off another woman, living in her house and so forth.

### It wasn't long after they got together that I found out about them. Even then, I fought to keep our marriage together. I never once thought bad things about her. Incredible I know, but true. It simply was not in my nature. Perhaps I was in a serious case of denial, but all I thought about was how to convince her that what she was doing was hurting the kids. But then, such conversations always ended up with her saying how I liked to play "mind games" with her to control her.

### When it became clear that she was having this guy over to our house while I was working, I just couldn't take it any longer and I quit driving taxi to stay home. That didn't stop her. He would drive his van over and pick her up to bring her back to that other woman's house where he was living for their rendezvous.

I stepped up my pleading with her to change. Suggested couples' counseling, anything to keep our family together; she would have none of it. By the end of 2003, I knew it was over though I hated to admit it. She no longer wanted to be with me and in Feb 2004, she proved it.

### As soon as our 2003 tax refund came, she took her half and in 4 days, was out the door. At the time we were receiving free rent through YWCA, and it was in her name. She took it with her and left me and the kids with no money to pay our next month rent. All she was concerned with was getting her own place so her boyfriend could live with her, which he did.

### You couldn't imagine the weight that had been lifted from my shoulders. I wouldn't have thought it possible to feel so good and so free after being left by the one you love. Of course, by that time, my love for her was on the wane. After all the terrible things she had done to me and the kids before she left, I was glad to be rid of her.

### I look back on that initial year after her leaving as a Golden Age. No stress, no fights (which mainly came from her as I tend to avoid confrontations at all cost) and a quiet home. Well, relatively as I still had three kids to deal with.

### Twice in the ensuing year she asked to come back, but I said no. Every time I thought about her returning to live with us, I'd feel the beginnings of a panic attack. This lasted well into the third year after she left. The funny thing about the way she asked to come back, was, "You know, my life sure was better when I was with you and the kids. If I dumped (the boyfriend), can I come back?" Apparently, the boyfriend didn't treat her well. I remember once she mentioned how he liked to play rough and had left bruises on her arms.

Her request to return wasn't "Oh, I miss our lives together. I love you and want us to be happy." No. It was how her life would be better, not mine and the kids.

### For the next three years or so, she rarely saw the kids. The parenting plan called for her to have them every other weekend from Friday at 6 pm to Sunday at 6 pm. That never happened. She would go weeks without seeing the kids, only to try for an overnight. I ended up having to bring them home early due to how they were "stressing her out."

### Plans she made for being with the kids were often cancelled due to her tiredness, being sick, or had something else to do that was more important. I don't recall her ever having a birthday party for them at her house. True, she did go to the ones I threw, and once in a while would bring a present.

### I believe that she really loves the children, only the troubles of her past make it difficult for her to express it in a loving and meaningful way. The kids care for her as well, but because of what has gone on these last few weeks, that love is becoming more and more strained. Anyway, I'm getting ahead of myself.

### Somewhere along the line, the love for her children took second place to the boyfriend. I'm not sure when it happened, but in 2008, the kids no longer expressed a desire to go over to their mom's house. The boyfriend treated them badly, meaning he yelled at them and treated them like servants. They went to their mom for help, but she said, "You do what (the boyfriend) says."

### She was no longer an advocate for them. To their way of thinking, their mother would no longer protect them and shield them from the dangers of the world. Whatever the boyfriend said, well, that was the way it was no matter how the kids felt. If he felt like hitting the dog they loved so much, well he'd just go ahead and hit it. My 11 year old daughter once told of how he got mad at the dog and threw it across the room where it hit the wall. That sent up warning signs, for if someone could willingly brutalize an animal could a child be far behind?

### The situation over at their mother's steadily worsened so I stopped trying to get her to have the kids over. During the latter half of 2008 and the beginning of 2009, she and the boyfriend mainly picked the kids up for a short outing at the dog park. There were a few sleepovers, but the kids didn't enjoy them, merely saw them as something they had to do.

### Along with this going on, my financial situation steadily worsened. Early 2008, book sales fell off dramatically and royalties were at an all-time low. I have since found additional avenues through which to sell my books and royalties have greatly improved. But during that time, it sucked all my reserves and put me behind on everything.

### Unable to meet my bills, I began looking for a part-time job. At first, I sought employment along the lines of what I liked to do; books, computers, etc. When that didn't pan out and 2009 arrived, I began looking for anything. All I needed was a job to bring in a couple hundred dollars more and my head would be above water. Just barely, but afloat.

### However, when you live in an area with 9.7% unemployment and you are a single parent with three kids, the options are not there. I couldn't very well work graveyard and still be there for my kids.

### Then, a glimmer of hope came into the picture. My mom who lives in Oklahoma mentioned that there might be a 3-bedroom home we could move into. She knew the people who owned it and said the rent would be modest. I asked, "How modest?"

"$300 a month," was her reply.

$300? That was $925 less than what I was paying at the time. The kids and I were saved! My mom approached the people and in a couple weeks had concluded an agreement in which we could move in the first of August 2009. There wouldn't be a deposit, no credit check, and the first month's rent was waived since they knew we would have moving expenses to contend with.

### The day after learning of this, we took the kid's mother out to Old Country Buffet, a favorite restaurant of ours and told her of the impending move. Needless to say, she was less than happy about it.

### She didn't care that the kids would have a house in the country over an apartment in a crowded city. She didn't care that instead of having a $400 a month deficit that I would have a $300 a month surplus, which in turn would be used on the children.

For the year preceding the move, I was broke. I mean, I was really, really broke. Every time the kids wanted something, or to go out with their friends to the movies and so forth, I had to say no. It was a sad situation. The move meant that they could do more things, have more new clothes, and so forth.

### Another advantage to the move was that we would be moving to within 10 miles of my mother, someone the kids love and really wanted to see more of. Grandpa had taken them on tractor rides and barbequed for them, and they really wanted to see him again. You see, he's getting on in years and though still somewhat spry, he is in his 70's and one never knows at that age how long life will remain.

### The only problem was that their mother would remain in Washington. She couldn't move and would forevermore have to stay in Snohomish County of Washington until the day she died. She gets her rent paid by YWCA, but only if she lives within Snohomish County, or so I understand.

### I figured that since she had rarely had the kids for overnights, and that the bulk of their contact had been via the phone, that the move would not impact their relationship in any way. In fact, absence, being away from the boyfriend, could even improve it. This was what I was thinking.

### She on the other hand, didn't want to be separated from the kids. And that was her entire argument. It wasn't that the kids' lives would be better by staying, but that she would miss them. Once again, she put herself first.

"I'm going to fight you on this," she told me.

"I know," I replied.

"If it was you who had to stay behind, you wouldn't like it either."

### That would be true. I wouldn't, and don't like it. But, had I known they would be with a caring parent who put their needs first, and could see how their lives would be improved by the move, I would have swallowed my sadness and accepted it. The kids come first, not me.

Anyway, I tried to do the legal stuff myself, something they call Pro Se, and screwed it up completely. I followed the online forms, read what they said to do and did it. It looked easy enough. Wrong! I made a mess of it and as a result, she not only blocked the move, but won custody of the kids.

### It was a Commissioner who presided over the proceedings, not a judge. Though I argued a good case, I knew it would go against me when the Commissioner said, "Mr. Pratt, your decision to move to Oklahoma so you can raise chickens in your backyard is an attempt to escape reality. Motion denied."

### Escape reality? Did I hear that right?

### So, did that mean anyone who chose to live on a farm was escaping reality? That unless you live in a large urban area, you are not living in reality? I am sure the farmers of America would take exception to such a thought. Farmers are hip-deep in reality. Besides, I never stated that I was moving to Oklahoma so I could have chickens in my backyard, merely suggested that it may be an activity that my children would be interested in once we relocated to Oklahoma.

### I had brought the two older kids to the court in case the judge wanted to hear their views on this. But they were dismissed at the outset and their voices remained silent. It was later intimated that I had brought them to manipulate the court. Well, I suppose there was some credence to it. I had wanted them to explain why they wanted to move to Oklahoma, but even more, I wanted them to explain why they didn't want to remain.

### Once the verdict had been given, I was in shock. My mind was numb. I simply could not believe that the improved life I had dreamed of for my kids was not to be. My first impulse was to say "Screw it" and go anyway. But a friend sat me down and together, we discussed my options. At least, options as we saw them.

### There were only three that I could see.

### Option 1-

### Remain in Washington as per the Commissioner's ruling. The only problem was, I had nowhere to live. I owed on my previous apartment and had received a pay or vacate notice. Unable to pay it in full, I vacated. Moved most of our stuff to storage over the previous week and left much in the apartment. Other apartments won't rent to you if you have an outstanding balance at another location.

### I did have a chance to appeal the ruling, but that meant finding a lawyer, and I didn't have the money to get one. If I stayed, my funds would have to be used merely to survive. There was only a seven day window to file an appeal. If I stayed, I couldn't do it.

### Option 2-

### Give up the kids to a mother who had barely been in their lives and whose boyfriend scared the kids. This one was unthinkable. The boyfriend had called my 11 year old girl a "Spoiled Bitch," yelled at the children almost every time they were over there, and the kids were terrified at the prospect of living with him.

### You see, the court order said that the kids had to remain within their present school district and could not be relocated from Washington. I was free to go, but the kids had to remain. Looking into three scared faces, I just couldn't do it.

### Option 3-

### Take the kids to Oklahoma and face the consequences of violating the court order and being in Contempt of Court. My friend had a sister-in-law who practiced law in Oklahoma, and in Family Law no less. My friend was certain she would help. But, I had to get to Oklahoma first.

### My thinking here was flawed in many respects. First, unless a lawyer is licensed in Washington, they can't do much. Second, I thought the Contempt of Court fine would only be a couple hundred dollars. I figured three hundred for a lawyer was cheap. My friend and I couldn't see a reason not to go, so off the kids and I went.

### Yep, we were heading to Oklahoma. Many people feel I was thumbing my nose at the court for doing so. In actuality, I was trying to get a lawyer to continue the fight so my kids could have a better life and brighter future. My ignorance of the law at that time was appalling. I have since been well educated.

### We continued east for two days, ended up at Rock Springs, Wyoming. Early the morning of the third day, before we hit the road, my mother called us at the hotel. She said that a Snohomish County Deputy Sheriff had spoken with her. Apparently, what I was doing was more serious than I had earlier thought. If I didn't turn around, I was facing a "Felony" Contempt of Court charge, or something like that. All I really remember was "Felony" and "up to 20 years in jail." Needless to say, our trek to Oklahoma was cut short and back we went.

### All I really remember about that day was my 11 year old crying through most of it. The 13 year old and the 9 year old shed their share of tears as well.

### Once we returned to Lynnwood, I was forced to surrender the kids to their mother, and that has been where they have been ever since.

I was told that I could only have supervised visitations with my kids and 1 call a day. Supervised? Amidst all this emotional turmoil, I had to laugh. They thought I was a flight risk if I had the kids all to myself. To be honest, if I had been a flight risk, I never would have turned around and came back. Fleeing the Law would not be in the best interest of my kids, so I could never do it. But their mother was trying to hurt me, and she did. But at the same time, she hurt the kids more.

### One thing she had never quite understood is that if you hurt the parent, you hurt the child. They were, and still are, mad at her for having forced us to turn around and abandon the life we had dreamt of.

**A family member, one up to this time I thought unapproachable for financial aid, offered to pay for a lawyer, so I acquired legal counsel.** My lawyer helped me wade through the ensuing courtroom dramas, none of which went my way. Of course, my case was seriously hampered by the fact that I headed to Oklahoma. Had I not done that, things may have turned out differently. I don't know.

### I still had the option of remaining in Washington and retaining custody of the kids. But where would I live? I had no job but writing, and my income was not sufficient to pay off what I owed on the last place let alone pay first month and security deposit on a new one. I had no choice though it broke my heart. I made the decision to head to Oklahoma and hope for the best.

### The rest you know. The situation at their mother's quickly deteriorated. My kids cried, were yelled at for it, and cried all the harder. Now, they are little automatons that hold their feelings inside and say nothing more than they have to. Well, not my 11 year old. She will not stand for injustice and ill treatment. She tells me that she gets in trouble often for arguing.

### I had always taught them to "Speak their minds," that their opinions were valued. At their mother's house, if you have an opinion that differs from the boyfriend, to voice it is showing disrespect and punishment will soon follow. It's going to be hard for them transitioning from a house of love and mutual respect, to one of Soviet-like crackdown of freedoms and liberties. I don't believe I am over-exaggerating here. From what the kids tell me, it's just like they are living behind the Iron Curtain of the Cold War. The boyfriend I guess would be Stalin. (At least in how he parents that is.)

### My youngest says she is scared all the time when he is around. He yells a lot and they never know what will set him off. I fear for them, but the court has deemed their mother's to be the best place to raise them and there is nothing I can do right now. Once I have saved enough money, I plan to renew the fight. Unfortunately, that will be a year or so away.

### That's my story. The only thing that is helping me get through this is the love of my children. In letters, pictures, and phone calls, they continue to tell me how much they love and miss me. If given the chance, they would leave their mother's and be on the first flight to me.

### I'm sure things will work out eventually, and hopefully everyone will be the wiser for it. But until then, we shall have to do what we can and be content in the knowledge that those we love will never forget us.

Update 23 Feb, 2013

### In September of 2011, book sales had increased to the point where I could return to Washington. At which point custody was split between me and their mother.

### The change in the kids was very noticeable. They laughed more, had the chance to escape the boyfriend. Now I will admit that through counseling and other advocates for the kids, the atmosphere in their mother's house had improved somewhat.

### I had thought things over at their mother's had improved. Book sales were up so she was receiving in excess of $3600.00 in child support and as such, the mood over there had improved, or so I believed.

### My son and youngest daughter had learned to play the game, learned to keep under the radar and avoided the brunt of his anger. My oldest daughter refused to play the game. Anger and resentment festered in her over the way she had been treated.

### For you see, the boyfriend really hated her. She stood up to him, often defended her brother and sister when he was on the warpath. As a result, she had to endure a barrage of insults, innuendoes and worse. Nothing physical mind, just a steady stream of put-downs, calling her bitch, whore and so forth. From talking to her and her siblings, it was often.

### Then around October-November 2011 I believe, the situation changed.

### My oldest daughter was walking through her mom's apartment to her bedroom when the boyfriend stopped her. Told her to come to the computer where he was Skyping so his friend could see her.

### He had her stand before the screen while the boyfriend and the stranger talked about how pretty she was. Mom was there and said nothing. After several minutes of having to endure the stranger's gaze and comments, she was allowed to go to her room.

She called me and told me what had happened. Said she had felt like the daughter in the movie Taken where near the end the girl stands in that building being bid upon by strangers.

### I was horrified. But what could I do? There was no proof. Many times before I had called CPS about situations and they have stated that unless there is proof, proof admissible in court, there was nothing they could do.

### A short time later, my daughter told me of how the boyfriend would sit on the couch in his "man-thong" and get her younger sister to rub his back, chest and shoulders. Apparently he hurt and this would make him feel better.

### Again, no proof and my youngest, when questioned, denies it. I wonder if she denies it because she is ashamed or he threatened her, or maybe my oldest daughter is lying. I do not know. Either way, no proof and so nothing can be done.

### From that point on, my oldest daughter's life began to deteriorate over there. Every time she left her room, she felt his eyes upon her and felt they were predatory. Concerns expressed to her mother yielded nothing.

### When she was my daughters' ages, her mother's boyfriend molested her. You would think having lived through that she would take extra precaution. But she refuses to see it, refuses to discuss it, and just says her daughter is lying to get her way.

### It just built up and built up in my daughter. She stopped talking to me about it because from her point of view since I did nothing I didn't care.

### I talked to her about what she could do. Go to a school counselor, call CPS herself, anything to get a mediator over there to resolve the situation. But she doesn't trust counselors. In the past, whenever she talked to a counselor, the counselor would talk to her mother to resolve the situation, mother passed the info onto the boyfriend who yelled about how she needs to stop telling lies.

### I got to thinking the other day about the way he yells and swears, and puts down my children. If he had been a boy at her school doing this, he would be called a bully and things would have been done to protect her. But, since it is happening in the home, it is okay and nothing can be done. The courts don't care. If it can't be proven, it isn't happening. I understand the reasoning but hate it when it sacrifices my daughter on the altar of impartiality.

### Kids have been known to suicide over bullying. Why is there no recourse to stop it at home? And so it continued...

### A week ago it came to a head. My oldest daughter, age 15, ran away from home. She was gone two days before being found and brought back to my house. Then, two days later, she left again. A note had been left on her pillow. Tore my heart out to read it.

### She stated that she could no longer live in that household with the pedophile boyfriend. It think there are deeper issues that drove her to leave, the pedophile part being the final push that got her out the door.

### She never felt safe in that house. Never felt loved or wanted. Always being on edge, afraid to say or do anything for fear of getting the boyfriend on the warpath finally took its toll.

### Twice now she's called me, telling me that she is safe and okay and is staying at a friend's house. Which friend and where she refuses to say.

### Yesterday, their mother and I went to see a social worker about getting the process started for having her designated as an At-Risk-Youth. The boyfriend was there, but since he argued with everything I said, had to be ejected. On his way out, he brushed forcefully against me and said, "You need to stop your lies." It's not me saying things, it is my daughter. Their mother should think long and hard as to why her child would say such a thing, true or not.

### After that, we got down to business.

### Learned a lot about the services and resources available to both myself and my daughter. When she calls next I will give her the number to the social worker and hopefully she will call and work to get her life straightened back out.

### In Washington State, there is no law against running away so right now, she does not face any legal action. For which I am grateful.

### The culmination of the At-Risk-Youth process is a court date. Have to serve my daughter with papers before it can happen, but I think she would be okay with attending as she will be assigned an attorney and her voice will finally be heard by someone who can actually do something.

### My daughter had stated over and over to me that she would rather live on the streets than be returned to her mother's house. And I believe her.

### Knowing that my daughter would never go back to her mother's, I proposed that she be allowed to remain at my house until the court date. There would be contact between her and her mother during that time as well as guidelines set down for her as advised by the social worker or other authorities.

### Her mother refused.

### I said, "Do you mean that you would rather have our daughter on the street than at my house where we would know she would be safe, she could go to school and be taken care of properly?"

### "I don't trust you."

I was astounded at the callous way she said that. In the entire time since returning to Washington she and I have adhered to parenting plan. There has never been an issue with me or her not abiding by it. How could she not want her child off the street???

### Is this some power struggle with her? Is she thinking that if our daughter comes to stay at my place while we work to improve the situation that I have won or something? I simply could not believe it. If it had been her house instead of mine to which my daughter wished to go, I would have jumped at the chance to see my daughter safe.

### And that is where the situation stands as of 23 Feb, 2013. I haven't heard from my daughter in two days and am stressed beyond belief. I can't concentrate and think I'm on the verge of a serious depression. The only things keeping me going are my other two children. I have to be strong for them. They are having a bad enough time as it is with their sister gone. They don't need me to fall apart.

Update 1 Jan, 2014

Final update

### Nearly a month after I added the above update, my daughter was picked up for shoplifting. I took her home and despite the heartache deep in my soul, convinced her to return to the week on- week off with her mother.

### It was with a heavy heart that I watched her pack her things and get in the car with her mom and her mom's boyfriend. Court mandated it, nothing I could do. I later learned that there was yelling recriminations, and plenty of verbal abuse from the boyfriend for making her mother so unhappy when she ran away.

### That week passed slowly and she and I talked many times during it and finally on Friday, I went to pick up her, her brother and her sister. I was sure glad to get them home.

### She wasn't home an hour when the phone rang. It was CPS. Seems they got a report from a mandatory reporter, whom they wouldn't say, that there were issues at their mother's house and could a worker stop by the next day. I said of course.

### My daughter had told her school counselor about the situation, what was done to her and her sister and as a mandatory reporter, reported it.

### The CPS worker stopped by and talked with me and the girls. Then a forensic intake was scheduled with the Sherriff's Department for the end of the week. They wanted it done prior to the kids' return to their mothers. I was more than happy to oblige.

### During the intake, my oldest was in the interview for forty-five minutes and my youngest daughter for over an hour. When they came out, the investigative officer pulled me aside.

### "Can they stay with you?" he asked.

### "Yes," I replied. "that is not a problem."

### Seems that based on the girls' testimony that had I not been in the area, they would have been put immediately in foster care. The officer said that he needed to do an investigation but would put the boyfriend in jail right then and there if such were possible.

### "There is no way we are allowing the girls to return to living with their mother."

### Music to our ears. Only I wished the situation had not deteriorated to such an extent before the girls got out. But in any event, there it is.

### Over the course of the following few months, I got the girls in counseling then talked with my lawyer. We went to court for full custody.

### My ex was livid.

### "They are liars!" she insisted. According to her the boyfriend had done no wrong and I had gotten the girls to lie in order to not have to pay child support. Frankly, if I had orchestrated this, I would never have waited this long.

### She stood by her boyfriend, told the girls they were liars and fought me in court. How a mother could not stand by her girls is beyond me. Anyway, off to court we went.

It was pretty much a slam dunk. I won every condition I asked for, I now have full custody and if my ex wants to see her children, the boyfriend can not be around. Period!

### So that means that in the last five months, she's seen the kids twice, not even at Christmas because she doesn't want to inconvenience the boyfriend by having him be elsewhere when the kids are over, which is a stipulation in the Parenting Plan.

### She and her boyfriend have since moved away and she only texts her kids, sometimes calls.

### The girls have come around and are well-adjusted once again, love, praise and support can do wonders let me tell you.

### And that's where this tale ends. They all lived happily ever after.

### Appendix A

### "Abuses"

### Prior to my leaving Washington and moving to Oklahoma, the Snohomish County Court had me take a parenting class called "For the Kids' Sake." It is a mandatory class for all couples who are planning on Divorce. The seminar is designed to give the parents an understanding of how the children view divorce and the way they may be affected by their parents' actions.

### Even though my divorce was five years removed, since the Parenting Plan was to be modified, I had to take it. I thought it was going to be a monumental waste of 5 hours. Surprisingly, I discovered a few things I was doing could be detrimental to my children.

### In their Handbook, they have a page that lists "Abuses of Children." I had no idea some of these were considered abuses and I doubt most would be considered prosecutable by Children's Protective Services. Even if they weren't illegal, they are at least harmful to the happiness and proper development of children.

Below you will find the list as described in their booklet. I thought including this list might be helpful. They indicated that the list came from the "Snohomish County Center for Battered Women."

### Intimidation:

  * ### Instilling fear through looks, actions, gestures, property destruction

  * ### Using adult size

  * ### Yelling

  * ### Being violent to other parent, pets, etc.

Using Institutions:

  * ### Threatening punishment with/by God, courts, police, school, juvenile detention, foster homes, relatives, psych wards.

### Isolation:

  * ### Controlling access to peers/adults, siblings, other parent, grandparents.

### Emotional Abuse:

  * ### Put downs, name calling

  * ### Using children as confidants

  * ### Using children to get or give information to other parent

  * ### Being inconsistent

  * ### Shaming children

### Economic Abuse:

  * ### Withholding basic needs, using money to control behavior

  * ### Squandering family money

  * ### Withholding Child Support

  * ### Using children as an economic bargaining chip in divorce

### Threats:

  * ### Threatening abandonment, suicide, physical harm, confinement, or harm to other loved ones

### Using Adult Privilege:

  * ### Treating children as servants

  * ### Punishing, bossing, always winning

  * ### Denying input in visitation and custody decisions

  * ### Interrupting

### The "Biggies"

  * ### Violence

  * ### Committing incest

  * ### Sexual touching/kissing

  * ### Sexualizing children's behavior

  * ### Pinching

  * ### Hitting

  * ### Kicking

  * ### Pushing

  * ### Twisting arms

  * ### Choking

### Appendix B

### "Nurturing Children"

Along with the page on Abuses, there was another section in the For the Kids' Sake handbook on nurturing behavior. This came from "The Snohomish County Center for Battered Women."

### Trust and Respect

  * ### Acknowledge children's right to have own feelings, friends, activities and opinions

  * ### Promote independence

  * ### Allow for privacy

  * ### Respect feelings for other parent

  * ### Believe your children

### Provide Emotional Security

  * ### Talk and act so that children feel safe and comfortable expressing themselves

  * ### Be gentle

  * ### Be dependable

### Provide Physical Security:

  * ### Provide food, shelter, clothing

  * ### Teach personal hygiene and nutrition

  * ### Monitor safety

  * ### Maintain a family routine

  * ### Attend to wounds

### Provide Discipline:

  * ### Be consistent

  * ### Ensure rules are appropriate to age and development of child

  * ### Be clear about limits and expectations

  * ### Use discipline to give instruction, not punishment

### Give Time:

  * ### Participate in your children's lives: activities, school, sorts, special events and days, celebrations, friends

  * ### Include your children in your activities

  * ### Reveal who you are to your children

### Encourage and Support:

  * ### Be affirming

  * ### Encourage children to follow their interests

  * ### Let children disagree with you

  * ### Recognize improvement

  * ### Teach new skills

  * ### Let them make mistakes

### Give Affection:

  * ### Express verbal and physical affection

  * ### Be affectionate when your children are physically or emotionally hurt

### Care For Yourself

  * ### Give yourself personal time

  * ### Keep yourself healthy

  * ### Maintain friendships

  * ### Accept Love

