(audience cheering)
That was exhausting.
Man, that was incredible!
People at home don't know that band
they get crazy during
the commercial breaks!
I thought you meant my snapping.
No that was bad.
That was also really good.
No, I was talking about, no yeah uh uh...
Cuckoo!
(Jack Black whistling)
Thank you so much for being here!
Of course I'm sitting here...
Thank you
With the great Jack Black and uh...
Thank you for having me Conan.
You son of a bitch.
(audience laughing)
For reals, for reals.
No it's nice to have you here!
You're a good man.
It's good to be here.
[Conan] You've got
strange posture right now,
have you noticed that?
You're sitting back like
you're in a car going fast.
Why is that?
It's true.
Why is it?
Yeah yeah.
I'm holding something in.
Okay.
(audience laughing)
You'd...I would...I will make it more...
No, no! There you go, that's nice.
There you go.
Enjoy that.
You know you do such
great work with your eyes.
I swear to God.
Your eyes are so expressive.
You can do so many funny
things with your eyes.
How did you learn that skill?
Thank you.
Well you know it's like anything Conan,
the eyeballs are a muscle.
[Conan] The eyeballs are a muscle?
And you have to work them.
You gotta stretch them.
You gotta get up in the morning
and do the eyeball exercises.
[Conan] Oh my god that's...
And the eyebrows included.
[Conan] Yeah.
Oo look at that!
Look at that!
I've got the wave.
That way's not as good.
But this way I've got the power wave.
[Conan] Oh wow.
And I don't even stand up
when I do the wave at the baseball game.
I just let my eyebrows do the wave.
[Conan] Wow.
Everybody else is...
So you're the one guy sitting down.
And nobody notices
because of the eyebrows.
That is so lazy!
They're like, "what's wrong that guy?"
Hey I'm taking care of it up here dude.
Yeah.
I work out my hair every morning.
Check this out!
[Jack Black] That's good!
(audience laughing)
That is good!
Because for me it's all up here.
I've got this.
You had to learn to do that though,
I mean, you couldn't just
do that automatically right?
No! You can't just suddenly
one day pump up the pomp.
You gotta have it. You
gotta be born with it.
I have a very subtle...
No, I can't do it at all.
[Conan] Yeah of course you can't.
I always thought I could.
[Conan] Don't come onto my
turf and try to play like...
You know what I mean?
You've got eye territory! But
don't wander into hair town
and say "I'm the king".
'Cause old Cony's in town.
You know what I'm saying?
You win.
(audience laughing)
Sorry to sorta bust you down there.
You what's inspiring... another
inspiring thing about you?
It's that I admire your guitar playing.
And you started pretty late!
You were 23 when you
started playing the guitar.
It's true, I did...I didn't start.
And Kyle, my partner in Tenacious D,
taught me when I was 23.
And the truth is, you know,
I'm not that good at it.
He does all the heavy lifting
when it comes to the D,
you know with the guitar solos.
And you'll see, if you
see this movie that I did,
What was that right there?
What were you doing right there?
I don't know.
That was crazy, I even
think you noticed that.
I'm sorry.
You Bozo'd on me there for a second.
(audience laughing)
But in the movie, you know, I
do some insane guitar solos.
I've seen the movie, I enjoyed the movie,
and you bust out some solos there.
Well the ones that are
crappy, those are mine.
And the ones that are really
shreddy, I couldn't do it.
I wish I could. I don't have the skills.
So, they got, we got, I have
some friends who shredded it up
and I pretended to play.
But the other day we had to
play on Regis, me and the kids.
[Conan] Right.
And we played on Regis,
and we had to play the song
and when it got to my solo
I had to do the new technique
that I've developed,
which is called "ventrilasolo".
[Conan] Ventrilasolo?
And what I do is I sing
the solo with my mouth,
but I don't move my lips.
And I play along with it.
And it seems like...do
you want a sample of it?
[Conan] Yeah I wanna hear this.
(imitating guitar sounds)
That's pretty impressive!
(audience clapping)
And no one's the wiser.
And you bend the strings and everything?
(imitating guitar squeal)
It's the water drink.
(imitating guitar sounds)
I think the water's not supposed to
spray out all over the place.
I think that's a giveaway.
I meant to ask you something, you host...
I thought you did a great job co-hosting
the MTV awards last year.
Thank you.
Then this year, you're
one of the presenters,
you get a really funny thing.
That's right.
You seem to have figured that thing out,
which I think is a hard gig to do.
Yeah.
You do a great job at it.
That was my birthday.
That was your birthday?
This last one, the presenting on, yeah.
Where I accepted the super
genius of the universe award.
And then afterwards I went home,
I went back to the hotel and
I was kinda beat and roasted,
I was going "I'm just going
to spend a quiet night alone".
Then I said, "You know
what? It's my birthday
and I want to party tonight."
[Conan] Right.
And there's no better night
to party then on awards night,
because everyone's throwing a party
and everyone's competing
for the best party.
[Conan] Right.
And I heard that P. Diddy
was having a lobster dinner
for everyone who came to his party.
And that sounded good.
So, I went down there.
(audience laughing)
And I wasn't invited to the party.
But, I was, you know, a presenter.
Right, and you're a well
known guy you'd think.
Yeah, you figure ...
(whistles)
in!
So I go down.
(audience laughing)
And there's a huge...
[Conan] I never assume that!
Anyways...
Here's my backstage pass, here!
So, I go up to the place where
his party's supposed to be
and there's a big crowd
of people in front.
And that just is good news,
'cause that means it's thumping
and I'm just going to squeeze through.
[Conan] And get your sweet lobster.
But as I get close I see
that there's police officers
kinda barricading.
And I get up, squeeze
in, "Excuse me officer,
I think they want me in that party.
If you don't mind could
you squeeze me through?"
And he's like, "Everybody
back! Everybody back!
Nobody gets in! I don't care!"
And he gave me like a little...
(grunting)
in the small of my back.
And as I was walking
away...so I'm walking away
and still!
(grunting)
Faster walk away!
You're not walking fast enough
away from P. Diddy's party.
Right.
And then! A horse cop
came up to the side of me.
(imitating horse hoofs clacking)
Horse cop sounds like a
horse that's been made a cop.
That's not what I meant.
Oh okay, all right.
I was gonna say.
(imitating horse whinnying)
You're in trouble!
Not a centurion.
(audience laughing)
Not a- okay.
Cop on a horse!
A cop on a horse comes by.
And I don't know if you've ever seen this,
but at night if you
look at the horses hoofs
if they're...
(imitates swishing)
on the sidewalk or pavement,
sparks come off the hooves.
And it was entrancing!
Whoa sparks!
[Conan] Sparks! What
are you talking about?
The horses hooves have like a metal shoe!
[Conan] Oh they have a metal shoe! Okay.
(imitates swishing)
Sparks!
(audience laughing)
And then, I swear to god,
the tail- Whip! Crack! On my face.
Ah! No lobster!
Whip crack!
Sparks!
Overload.
[Conan] No lobster! Whip crack! Wow!
So, thanks a lot P. Diddy.
Yeah.
They over-invite on purpose
so that when you don't get in you go,
it must have been the
coolest party in town!
But I say, what do you...
This happened to me a bunch
of years ago, I get...
This is back when he was Puff Daddy,
this is before he was P. Diddy.
And my assistant just keeps
coming to me with these faxes
like, P. Diddy or Puff
Daddy wants you at his party
you've got to go.
And I said, I don't even
know him! I haven't-
this is before I eventually met him,
and we party a lot.
But, anyways, I didn't know him!
And I got this invitation
and I kept getting invited
to go to his birthday party.
And I finally said, I don't
know the guy so I didn't go
and I just went home and
had some Dinty Moore stew
and watched tv or whatever.
And the news reports were all
that all these celebrities
had been invited, he had over-invited,
so people like Tom Brokaw
were outside going,
"Let me in! Let me in! What's wrong!"
And it was just to make it look
like the coolest party ever.
So I would've been out on the street
with whip crack horse cop!
Yeah!
You know.
Good stratigo P. Diddy,
now look what's happened.
We're talking about your
crappy overcrowded thingy!
And you go down! Yeah!
(audience cheering)
I was going to write him an
angry letter but I stopped.
(audience laughing)
I hear that in addition
to everything else,
'cause you've mastered so much.
Rock and roll, you're the king.
Movie star now, no one can touch you.
Sex symbol.
You've got it all! But,
you're also an inventor.
It's true. I'm glad you brought it up.
I actually, I've been working
on some different inventions
that I'm gonna put on the market.
But, one of them.
How many people? You
don't have this problem
Daddy Long Legs.
But how many people here,
when you go to a concert
you can't see the damn stage
'cause you're short like me?
(audience cheering)
It sucks!
It sucks!
Well now, if you're at the concert,
you can't see the stage, you
go over to the tee shirt stand,
"I'll get one XL, one lady tee,
and the Rock-a-scope
that Jack invented!"
And you get it, and it's like a periscope.
You look through it like
this, and the thing goes up!
And there's a mirror here,
you know, like a periscope!
[Conan] Right, right.
And then if you don't want
to hold your hands up there,
it goes down, shoulder pads!
Hands-free Rock-a-scope!
And you can watch bands this way!
You can watch bands that way.
That's a great idea.
And you don't...
I mean the only thing is you
would look like a dork, kinda,
with the Rock-A-Scope on.
But, it's still better
than platform shoes.
Because then you could hurt
yourself on the tip-over.
Right.
The other problem though
is that if the Rock-A-Scope
really catches on, you're
going to be looking
at the back of other Rock-A-Scopes
with your Rock-A-Scope.
That's true.
But, that's when you get the
bendy, like a bendy straw.
(imitating mechanical noises)
I dunno.
You're right I need to work out the kinks.
Any other inventions, or?
Well there is one other thing that I-
I wake up sometimes when
I don't want to at 6 am.
Starving.
And I don't like breakfast food.
And I'm like, let me get
just a slice of something.
And they're like the slices
don't come until 11 pm...
11 am.
And I'm like, well I don't want an omelet
that's not my style.
I would go for an omelet
with pizza toppings.
[Conan] Right, right.
There's my invention...The Zomelet.
[Conan] The Zomelet.
It's a combo pizza and omelet.
And check it out!
All I need to market
it properly is a tune!
Which I wrote.
Would you like to hear it?
[Conan] Yeah, I'd love to hear it!
♪ 6 am you're really hungry ♪
♪ You don't lika the breakfast ♪
♪ Whatcha going to do ♪
♪ You're going to go
and geta the Zomelet ♪
(audience laughing)
I need to work...
It's pretty good!
It's all right.
Yeah it's good!
I like it.
I mean.
I just invent things that I want.
I don't know if everybody wants it.
I don't even really
know if there's a market
for the Rock-A-Scope Zomelet.
(audience laughing)
I think the song was good though.
Thanks man.
I think the song was great!
And I'd buy it!
I'll invest in that.
Would you?
Yeah!
I've lost a lot of money in my day.
[Jack Black] Me too. Me toozlebees.
