>> Stephen: FOLKS, AS I WAS
SAYING EARLIER,
THE IMPEACHMENT TRIAL OF
PRESIDENT TRUMP APPEARS TO BE
COMING TO AN END.
UNFORTUNATELY, NO NEW WITNESSES
WERE CALLED AND THERE WERE
UNPRECEDENTED RESTRICTIONS PUT
ON THE PRESS CORPS.
SO WE DON'T EVEN HAVE A CLEAR
IDEA OF WHAT HAPPENED
BEHIND-THE-SCENES.
THANKFULLY, AN OLD FRIEND CALLED
ME UP AND OFFERED TO GO TO D.C.
AND BRING BACK AN INVESTIGATIVE
REPORT FROM THE HALLS OF THE
SENATE.
OF COURSE, I COULDN'T TURN DOWN
AN OFFER LIKE THAT, ESPECIALLY
WHEN IT COMES FROM ONE OF THE
MOST DISTINGUISHED JOURNALISTS
I'VE EVER MET, TRIUMPH THE
INSULT COMIC DOG.
( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
TONIGHT, IT IS WITH GREAT PRIDE
THAT WE PRESENT TRIUMPH'S
EXCLUSIVE REPORT!
JIM?
>> HERE IN THE NATION'S CAPITOL,
OUR LEADERS HAVE GATHERED FOR
THE SOLEMN PROCESS OF VOTING
ALONG PARTY LINES.
MANY REPUBLICANS HAVE COMPLAINED
ABOUT THE LENGTH OF THESE
HEARINGS AND HAVING TO SIT IN
THE CHAMBER FOR SO MANY HOURS
WITHOUT HAVING A SPINE TO
SUPPORT THEM.
( LAUGHTER )
SENATOR LINDSEY GRAHAM HAS BEEN
PARTICULARLY INCONVENIENCED, AS
HE WAS SCHEDULED TO HAVE
ATTENDED A SCRAPBOOKING
CONVENTION WITH THE OTHER
ELDERLY WOMEN OF SOUTH CAROLINA.
( LAUGHTER )
BEFORE TAKING THE SUBWAY TO THE
CAPITOL, THE LEGISLATORS TALKED
TO THE PRESS HERE.
RIGHT NOW, THEY'RE TALKING TO
SENATOR RICHARD BLUMENTHAL FROM
CONNECTICUT, ONE TO HAVE THE
RICHEST SENATORS.
HE'S WORTH $100 MILLION -- OR AS
DONALD TRUMP CALLS IT, A BILLION
DOLLARS.
( LAUGHTER )
ALL RIGHT, WE'RE LOOKING AT THE
CAMERAMEN WHILE THEY'RE WAITING.
THIS GENTLEMAN IS FROM, UH, CBS.
AND THIS MAN HERE, YOU'RE CNN.
AND RIGHT HERE, I UNDERSTAND YOU
ARE FOX.
YOU ARE FOX.
( LAUGHTER )
A CHECK'S A CHECK.
IT'S ALL RIGHT.
I GET IT.
>> I THINK IT'S INCREASINGLY
LIKELY THAT OTHER REPUBLICANS
WILL JOIN --
>> HEY, MITT!
I'M A DOG JOURNALIST!
CAN I GET A RIDE HOME ON YOUR
ROOF?
( LAUGHTER )
SENATOR GRAHAM, I SAW THE VIDEO
OF YOU WANTING WITNESSES AT
CLINTON'S IMPEACHMENT IN THE
'90s.
WHY WOULD YOU CHANGE EVERYTHING
ABOUT YOURSELF AND KEEP THAT
HAIRCUT?
( LAUGHTER )
OH, MY GOD!
LEV PARNAS!
LEV, YOU'RE MY FAVORITE
HENCHMAN!
I'M GOING TO DO SOME HENCHING.
I GORE WITH YOU?
>> HE HAS REPUBLICANS.
MANY OF US WERE NOT GIVEN
PRESS CREDENTIALS, BUT THIS
REPORTER WILL NOT BE DENIED.
HOW YOU DOING?
COMING THROUGH.
>> YOU CAN'T COME HERE.
I'M THEORY REPORT ON THE VERY
IMPORTANT WASTE OF TIME GOING ON
IN THE CHAMBER.
>> YOU DON'T HAVE ACCESS.
NO, NO, YOU DON'T
UNDERSTAND -- I'M AN
INVESTIGATIVE REPORTER.
LOOK, I HAVE A SCOOP.
>> I CAN'T LET YOU IN.
NO, NO, LISTEN TO ME --
DONALD TRUMP WAS MORE FAMILIAR
WITH LEV PARNAS THAN PEOPLE
REALIZE.
LOOK, THAT'S TRUMP'S DRIVER'S
LICENSE.
AMERICA NEEDS TO SEE THIS!
>> I CAN'T LET YOU IN, SIR.
OKAY, I GUESS I CAN'T BE
HERE.
MAYBE SOMEONE ELSE CAN COME.
>> HEY!
HOW ARE YOU?
I'M CHAD PENNINGTON.
I'M A CORPORATE LOBBYIST FOR BIG
PHARMA.
YES.
NO, I'M VERY COZY WITH THE
SENATORS.
THEY NEED ME IN THERE.
YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME?
LOOK.
LOOK WHAT'S IN MY SUITCASE,
OKAY?
CHECK IT OUT.
HERE.
( LAUGHTER )
ADDERALL, IN REGULAR OR
PRESIDENTIAL STRENGTH.
AND THEN I ALSO HAVE
ANTI-DEPERESSENTS FOR THE
DEMOCRATS AND ANTI-SEMITES FOR
STEVE KING.
YOU ARE GOING TO REGRET THIS!
HI!
I HAVE A 1:00 WITH
MR. DERSHOWITZ!
I AM HIS PERSONAL MASSEUSE!
MY NAME THE OLGA!
HEY!
HOW ARE YOU DOING?
I'M THE PIZZA DELIVERY GUY.
I AM HERE TO CLEVER PIZZA FOR
THE SENATE.
THIS ONE HERE IS VERY IMPORTANT.
IT HAS EXTRA GARLIC TO PROTECT
SENATORS FROM RUDY GIULIANI.
>> NOBODY ORDERED PIZZA.
( LAUGHTER )
>> HI.
EXCUSE ME.
ARE YOU A, UH, SENATOR?
>> NO, I'M A MEMBER OF THE
HOUSE.
>> YOU'RE NOT ONE OF THE 100
SENATORS?
>> NO, I'M ONE TO HAVE THE 435
FROM BACK THERE.
>> OKAY.
I'M ABOUT 20% AS EXCITED, THEN.
WITH UH BUT WE'VE HAD A NICE,
SERIOUS CONVERSATION AND I'VE
REALLY ENJOYED IT.
NOW, CAN YOU GET ME IN?
>> I'LL DO MY --
ALL RIGHT.
THEY'RE NOT GOING TO BUY THIS
COSTUME.
GIVE ME ONE SECOND.
I'M GOING TO CHANGE.
HI, HOW ARE YOU?
>> HI.
NO ONE ALLOWED.
>> I AM JOHN BOLTON, EXCUSE ME.
I AM JOHN BOLTON, I AM A FORMER
AMBASSADOR, FORMER IRAQ WAR
CREATOR, AND CURRENT AUTHOR OF
MY NEW BOOK "THE ROOM WHERE IT
CRAPPENED."
>> YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO BE ON
THIS FLOOR.
>> OKAY, JUST PLAY ALONG.
I'VE GOT THE BACKUP, OKAY?
>> OKAY.
I'M JOHN BOLTON'S DOG.
HERE.
COME IN.
COME IN.
HERE.
HERE'S THE REAL JOHN BOLTON.
>> GOOD TO SEE YOU.
, CONGRESSMAN,
THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE.
>> YOU FOOLED HIM.
PULL ON HIS MUSTACHE.
SMELL HIS MUSTACHE, IT SMELLS
EXACTLY LIKE DICK CHENEY'S ASS.
( APPLAUSE )
I WAS UNABLE TO GET IN BUT
APPARENTLY SENATORS ARE PASSING
BUT THE BOWELS FOR ANOTHER PHOTO
OPPORTUNITY.
SENATOR, ANOTHER QUESTION, WHY
DO YOU LOOK LIKE EVERY OTHER GUY
WHO SAW THE MOVIE "CATS" ALONE?
( LAUGHTER )
ALL RIGHT, WE ARE SITUATED BY
THE SENATE OFFICES.
WITH NEW EVIDENCE PILING UP,
REPUBLICANS ARE WORKING
TIRELESSLY TO IGNORE ALL OF IT.
LET'S SEE WHAT WE CAN FIND.
ALL RIGHT, HERE'S SENATE
MAJORITY LEADER MISH MISH'S
OFFICE/TERRARIUM.
( LAUGHTER )
MITCH!
MITCH!
COME OUT!
COME OUT OF YOUR SHELL, MITCH!
( LAUGHTER )
COME ON!
JUST POKE YOUR HEAD OUT!
JUST POKE YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR
SHELL!
( LAUGHTER )
I HAVE LETTUCE!
( LAUGHTER )
OH, BOY.
( LAUGHTER )
( KNOCKING )
TED!
COME ON!
IT'S YOUR OLD PAL!
I'VE GOT GOOD NEWS!
YOU'VE GOT A REAL SHOT IN 2024!
THE LATEST POSTS SAY YOU'RE ONLY
3% BEHIND THE WUHAN VIRUS!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
TED!
OKAY.
WE'RE COMING TO SENATOR MICHAEL
B. ENSY OF WYOMING.
AND WE'RE MOVING ON.
( APPLAUSE )
IT'S FRIDAY.
THERE'S NOTHING REALLY ELSE TO
DO BUT SCREW WITH PEOPLE.
HERE WE GO.
LINDSEY!
U.S.A.!
U.S.A.!
OVER HERE!
U.S.A.!
U.S.A.!
LINDSEY, PLEASE!
NO, NO, NO!
OKAY!
I LEAVE!
I GO!
>> MISS JONES, I THOUGHT THAT
WAS INAPPROPRIATE AND THE WAY
SOME OF THE WOMEN WERE TREATED,
BUT HAVING SAID THAT, I ACCEPTED
THE VERDICT --
>> BIND YOU!
-- THE SENATE AND THE CLOUD
HAS BEEN LIFTED.
SO --
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> -- THERE YOU GO.
THANK YOU, BUD.
>> THIS IS TRIUMPH, REPORTING
FROM THE GREATEST DELIBERATIVE
BODY IN THE WORLD!
FOR ME TO POOP ON!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: TRIUMPH!
THANK YOU, THANK YOU SO MUCH, MY
FRIEND!
NEW EPISODES OF HIS PODCAST
"LET'S MAKE A POOP" ARE
AVAILABLE THIS MONTH.
TRIUMPH, THE INSULT COMIC DOG
EVERYBODY!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH JAMES
TAYLOR.
