*clap*
Hey Pals, how are you doing?
I wanted to
talk about how I knew I was trans.
This isn't to say that there's one way to be
trans, or that the only way to know
you're trans is to experience everything
I experienced,
but it's just to kind of
give you an insight into my life,
and if you are questioning yourself maybe some of
the things I say might resonate with you,
and give you a bit more clarity.
It also might just be nice to hear someone
saying that they had a lot of complex
feelings about their identity and it
wasn't just a case of -
realizing it when
they were able to speak and never having
any concerns or feelings about going
back and forth about being trans -
if that makes sense.
The first kind of memory I
have of feeling more male than anything
else,
was when my mom had a conversation
with my sister about a trans woman at
her work
undergoing surgery,
and that was the
first time I kind of realized that that
was possible,
and I asked when I could
have that,
and that was when I was around
six or seven, maybe younger?
I'm not
entirely sure.
That was like a
significant point in my life where I was
vocal about the way that I was feeling.
Nothing happened when I mentioned that,
from my memory it was kind of dismissed
and it was a case of saying it and then
realizing that that would never happen...
and that was a silly thing to say.
After that I
kind of went back into living as me,
and
kind of just accepting that that would
never happen, so I didn't act on it
really.
I have memories of going to water
parks and really wanting to wear the
bottom half of my bathing suit that were
like zebra striped trunks at the time,
and I really loved them,
and I wanted to
go up to groups of boys and hang out
with them and be like "I'm a boy!"
Another
memory I had was in school, probably
around year one or two, I was asked to be
in a play with all my classmates and all
the girls were fairies and the boys were
soldiers,
and I had a break down in the
middle of my class because I wanted to
be a soldier,
or something else but I
didn't want to be a fairy.
I don't know
if that was just because I didn't want
to wear a fairy costume or I wanted to
be like the boys.
I hear a lot of stories
about trans people go to sleep when they
were younger and wishing they'd wake up
as a boy,
and I don't think I necessarily
had that.
I used to watch program called
seventh heaven and I was obsessed with
having curly hair and I'd go to sleep
waking up wishing that I was the girl
with brown curly hair in the morning,
and having a boyfriend that looked like the
guy... I feel like he had blonde spikey hair
maybe?
But, it was never a case of wanting
to wake up being him?
It was more wanting
to have him as a partner.
I don't know if
that's because I thought that it was
impossible to wake up as male, or change
your gender.
Another memory I have was
when I was around seven I taught myself
to shower on my own,
wash my hair and
that was really exciting because no one
would have to see me get naked again,
and I was really ashamed of my body,
I would
cry at the thought being born naked,
I hated the idea of anyone having to look
at me naked,
and whenever my mom talked
about my birth, she would kind of pretend
that I was born with clothes on,
just to make my discomfort a little bit easier.
Although I had these feelings of wanting
to present more masculine in some ways - I
hated wearing dresses, I hated the idea
that I had to wear a school uniform that
was a skirt or a dress so I wore my PE
kit every day, so I could wear shorts and
a t-shirt, and I would like scream if I
had to wear anything kind of feminine -
but towards the age of like 10 and 11 I
got really into doing nails and makeup,
and I remember feeling really excited
when I learn how to do mascara.
I definitely enjoyed doing stereotypically
feminine things, which really played on
my mind when I first started coming out
as trans because I felt like I was a
"Fake Tran" for, you know, not always being
consistently masculine in every way
possible.
I really tried to stand to pee
when I was young and showering on my own.
I wanted to learn
how to do that so that I could feel more
masculine,
and it was all these kind of
like little things that I did that have
come out when I was starting to think
about my gender a bit more during
therapy especially.
Another really weird
thing that only came to my mind recently
was that I signed up for swimming
lessons - or my mom signed me up for
swimming lessons -
and I really hated
needing to wear a swimming costume,
so I would skip swimming and go to the
library and watch Bill's New Frock, which
was a film about a boy who woke up one
day and had turned into a girl.
I can't remember if his body had changed or if
it was just his mindset,
and he had to
wear this dress every day for school and
nobody like treated him as male anymore
and it was a really distressing for him,
and
I would watch that film like every
single week for months, and I didn't know
why at the time,
but now it kind of feels
a bit weird to know that did that.
I feel like when I got into puberty I kind of
suppressed a lot of my feelings about
being male, or potentially more masculine.
I started wearing skirts I enjoyed wearing
skirts and tights to school, I had a lot
of female friends, I tried to make up a bit
I was around 13 or so when I got
into a group of friends who were
experimenting with their sexuality and
their expression.
One of my friends who I
was really attracted to at the time had
a short haircut and I, kind of,
was shocked that a girl could have a
short haircut by choice,
and we were on
and of, kind of had a relationship but
not really,
and that's when I started
experimenting with my sexuality a bit
more.
I think it was around that time
where I started thinking that maybe I'm
a butch lesbian because I'm attracted to
women and I like to present myself as
more masculine.
But the confusing part to
that was that I really also was
attracted to men,
so I suppressed that
side of things and kind of accepted that
I was bisexual or a lesbian.
I really liked
being with women who would treat me as
that boyfriend,
I liked being the
protector and,
one of my girlfriends used
to call me "Wannabe boy",
I think that was
her nickname for me, and I really liked
that.
I was around 12/13 when I wanted to
get my hair cut short as well, and I
managed to convince my mum by saying I'd
do it for charity and I wanted to look
like Keira Knightley or -
what's the other one?
They both had short haircuts for a
period of time,
and I really wanted to
like use that as my gateway into getting
a short haircut,
So I did that,
and I
really liked having short hair I really
liked being a bit more masculine,
and I
embraced that for a while.
Then I got a boyfriend and that kind of turned things
upside down,
and I wanted to make him
really happy, so I kind of took on a
housewife-y sort of role.
When he was out
at work I would do his laundry and
washing up,
and I was like I'm gonna be the
girlfriend ever.
We broke up after a while -
this was when I was around 14 or 15 -
and
I kind of went back to being super
masculine.
I was living in Thailand at
the time,
I kind of went back and forth
to England but spent the majority of my
life in Thailand from the age of like 1
to 18,
and there is a group of people
called "Toms" -
I never really got a full
explanation or definition of what a "Tom"
was -
but from my experience it was people
who where tom boys or masculine lesbians
/ trans men that didn't have the funds
or need to medically transition.
I met a Tom at a photography place
me and my friend used to go to,
and I
noticed that she was wearing boxers
underneath her trousers,
and that was
the first time I realized that girls
could wear boxers.
I started looking at
buying boxers to wear as pajama shorts
to kind of get away with that in the
beginning,
and I felt like that was a
kind of gateway into wearing boxers.
I watched a documentary called "The boy who
was born a girl"
which is about a trans
man who was, kind of, coming out and his
experiences whilst he was living with
his mom who was super supportive,
and I
watched that with my brother and he
asked if I was like that person,
and at the time I was super defensive,
I was like "no of course not, why would you even say
that? like, obviously I'm a woman. Like, how
dare you" sort of thing,
but I remember
feeling really like "Yeah that is me, and
I don't know what to do with that
feeling, I don't know how to
process that idea that maybe I am male."
I had no idea that it was possible to
transition and I didn't know how far I'd
want to go or if it was even something
that I was interested in doing.
So I was
really battling with the idea and concept of
being trans for a long time before I
came out.
During this whole time I got
back with the boyfriend I was with
before but I said to him from the
beginning "I'm not going to be a feminine
girlfriend and if that's not what you
want then it won't work."
He was totally
fine with it, I don't think he realized
to what extent I felt masculine or male,
so I would still wear boxers, and he
thought it was kind of cool that his
girlfriend was masculine and not a
lesbian.
We went to a animal sanctuary
around Christmas,
and I was looking
around and seeing all these men who were
really compassionate and cared about
animals and were vegan,
and I was
thinking during the whole day I either
want to be with a man like that or I
want to be one.
That night I had a talk
with that boyfriend and said that I
don't think it will work because I don't
want to be a girlfriend.
I think I was still super scared about
what it would mean to be trans.
The trans community in Thailand is mostly trans
women, and a lot of people see them as
there for entertainment.
I feel like all
the trans women I saw were being
portrayed as sex workers or there for
entertainment and as a joke,
so my idea
of what it meant to be trans was really
skewed and really biased, and there was
so much internalized transphobia that I
was terrified of being openly trans.
So, for a while I really hated the idea of
being trans, I felt super ashamed,
I wanted to die because I didn't want to
live as a trans person,
but then I came
across some YouTube videos of trans men
who were not very masculine,
in the sense
that they weren't like, gym enthusiasts, they
didn't smoke they didn't drink, and in my
head at the time that was considered
masculine and I had heard of,
or seen
quite a lot of trans men who were kind of
really masculine and really aggressive
and I was really scared about that,
because that's not who I was,
and I didn't feel like I was that kind of
person,
so coming across trans men that
were really softly spoken and gentle and
cared about the environment and animals
and they like doing crafty things, and
art, and  playing music, I really felt like I
could see myself in them.
So that was
kind of a turning point and I was like I
need to come out now otherwise I'm
never going to come out,
I was talking to a therapist at the time - she wasn't a
specific gender therapist but she helped
me talk through my feelings -
I came back
after the holiday being like "I'm
transitioning and this is it like I'm
not going back to how I used to live"
I started coming out to my friends, I came
out to my nanny, I came out to my
five-year-old brother,
I think they were
the first kind of people,
and my little
brother was probably the best person I
told,
he changed my name
instantly he called me his brother.
I came out to my mum by talking about
Packers and binders.
She knew that from
puberty I wanted a chest reduction
because I was so unhappy with my chest.
I had always talked about on my 18th
birthday I want to go as small as
possible,
and I don't think she kind of
realized how intense those feelings were,
and it was kind of like discussed on
and off,
and we had agreed that on my 18th
birthday I would undergo surgery
basically to have a reduction.
That actually happened when I was 17,
I had Top
surgery,
thankfully my parents were super
supportive,
they sold things to get the
money to pay for my surgery,
and not long
after that I started testosterone and
then moved to a new school,
and kind of
lived as "stealth" for a while.
It really was
years of internalized transphobia and
homophobia and misogyny and a fear of
being a man.
I really didn't like men for
a long time,
I felt like men had been
really abusive and controlling and
horrible to me,
so the idea of being a
man really scared me and I felt like I
would maybe hate myself, resent myself,
If I came out as trans.
I remember
testosterone changing my hands first and
looking in the mirror and feeling like
there was a man's hands attached to me
and I didn't know whether or not I was
comfortable with that,
and so there was a
lot of complex feelings to navigate
through,
and it was a terrifying process
but now I've been medically
transitioning for seven years,
and I'm
the happiest in myself that I've ever
felt.
I love that I don't have to worry
about my chest anymore,
or hiding it,
I love that when I go outside everyone
assumes I'm male.
I love the kind of
journey of exploration around my gender
and
identity that I'm going through,
and I love talking about it with people I love
all my trans friends that I've made
through being open about it.
It's
definitely not easy all the time,
I've
lost a lot of friends and some family
members through it.
I think my favorite
thing is just being able to live as
myself when there was a point in time
where I didn't think it was possible.
I want to thank Sol, Bex, Sasha, Oliver, and Jamie
For supporting me on patreon.
I just think you're amazing,
and you help
me out so much.
If you're interested in
following along on patreon I have
podcasts and extra videos that I put out
for my $3 and up patrons,
so check
that out if you want.
I hope everyone is doing well, I hope you're having a great day,
And a great week, and a great month and a great everything,
and I will speak to you soon,
Bye.
