 
## Psalm of Love

  1. # Jayne Amanda Maynes

Copyright © 2012 Jayne A Maynes

Published by Jayne A Maynes at Smashwords

All characters in this book are fictitious, and any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental.

Smashwords Edition, License Notes

This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you're reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

ISBN: 978-1-4764-0817-0
  2. ## Dedication

This is dedicated to the very special people in my life, those who like the heroine in the story gave of themselves when there wasn't much left for themselves. Thank you for the help and understanding you have given, I don't know if I could have survived without your help.
  3. ##  Table of Contents

Forward

The life that wasn't

A new beginning

Time! Friend or Foe?

Views of Respect

Time Lost

Changes

Surprises

The Funeral

Things Left Behind

Mistakes and Life

New Friends/Old Friends

Forgiveness

Nightmares

Giving from the Heart

Challenges Untold

The Past Relived

Mission Improbable

Home Again?

What Might Have Been

Trial By Fire

Changes in Life

Retirement

Lost Memories

About Jayne Amanda Maynes
  4. ##  Forward

Where does life come from?

Where is life going?

Is it possible to make life changing mistakes and still have things turn out to perfection?

To not have been through what I had. I wish I could have learned the lessons another way, but no, that isn't me, I can't learn anything the easy way. It all has to be beat in for it to wake me up. Watching the mistakes of others and refusing to learn from them, instead living those same mistakes myself knowing the end result and hoping somehow it will be different for me.

To experience the wonders of life, the joys of love. How could it be the only real love of my life was the one person out of my reach. I wanted to have someone to hold and be held by. For so long I fought against love knowing without doubt it held nothing but heartache, and now... now it's all I think of. Her smile the way her right cheek dimples in that ever present smile she has. I've seen smiles before, but not like hers. Her smile wasn't just the dimple in the right cheek, it went well beyond that. Have you ever looked at someone, really looked at them, and even in the worst of times there is a glow in the eyes that screams smile. That's her, a smile even in the tears of sorrow, a smile that warms the heart of everyone she shares it with, and that is everyone she comes into contact with.

The first time I saw her, really took a good look and saw her, I wanted to cry. There wasn't a smile, only tears. You could see a smile belonged there, but was strangely missing. How the tears wanted to flow, like the water in a river bed flowing at capacity. A dam filled to capacity needing release least it over flow and wash away the banks needed to hold the stream during times of great floods. Yet the smile was gone with not a sign of it's returning anytime soon. She was beautiful, you could see it in how she looked out for others, but the joy wasn't there, not like it should have been. She served as though she felt she needed to for some past wrong she had committed, some sin against someone. She served as if by chance she did enough good, she would somehow be able to find redemption.

I wish to go back when her smile was alive with joy. A joy that filled everyone around her and made the world so right for so many. How was it her smile vanished leaving only a need to serve others, caring nothing for her own needs. How could such a tragedy happen? Who could have extinguished her light so completely as to take the joy of life from one with such beauty and charm. What would it take to bring back what was stolen, to give the joy of life back to someone so beautiful and kind?

For eight years she was all I could think of, and I knew I was the last person she wanted to see again. Why couldn't I tell her that day I loved her? I knew I did, and hoped she knew as well. How was it possible she didn't know with all we had been through together. All the men told her how much I wanted to go after her, they all knew she meant everything to me. Yet she didn't seem to know and I didn't know how to tell her. Never again will I be afraid to tell her I love you. For me I got another chance, and I'm so afraid of letting it slip through my fingers.

Kent Jensen

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  5. ##  The life that wasn't

What's the point of trying anymore? It seems nothing I do ever works right. Why would she do this? What am I supposed to have done this time?

"Andy next time you're in town your things will be in the shed, don't bother trying the house I've had all the locks changed." What happened? I knew we'd been having problems, but this was so out of the blue, I was sure we could work out the problems. All the years we'd been together, and now nothing, I had nowhere to go I had... what did I have? A bunch of tools that I didn't use along with some other stuff, the thing is it was just stuff. Everything of any value was gone, it was taken from me the day I got the phone call letting me know I wasn't welcome at home any longer.

I moved everything left to me into a storage unit and found an apartment to call home. I grew to despise everything my life had become. Everything that said, I had never had a life, because there was nothing to show for it. All those years and nothing! Nothing, but a few trinkets to measure a life. What had I done with all those years? Where did they all go? Why was there so little to show for them? I knew the answer to that. There was so little to show because every part of my life to this point was lived for someone else. For all these year I lived to be who others thought I should be, not who I thought I should be. I hadn't lived life, I existed in life, there was so little to show because there was so little life lived.

I sat in that tiny apartment looking at nothing and knew I had to live for me now. I had to do what I thought was right for me, and if no one else liked it, that was too bad, this was my life now, and I was going to live it by my rules. These thoughts all went through my mind, and as they formed they were dismissed. I was a nobody, no one would care about me, nothing I did would ever make a difference in anything, so what was the point. Why bother trying any longer.

I took up talking to myself as the walls of the apartment started closing in around me, reminding me of just how little my life meant to that point. I started asking question that didn't have answers. I started getting to know me, and what I was finding scared me because I hadn't thought anyone could have lived a life as mundane as mine was proving to have been. To one day find that forty years amounted to nothing was quite a shock. I had lived forty years and what did I accomplished? Nothing not a blessed thing, fifty years of living a life dedicated to others, lived for someone else, with just a few moments of time thrown in for self.

I really didn't mind living my life that way, but I knew I couldn't do it any longer, I knew that now, I had to live for me and not worry what others might think.

"Andi that's great the way you do that, you are so wonderful." I loved praise like that, I wish it wouldn't have just been dreams.

Oh yes, a life lived for me and where does it start? It starts one day at a time. It starts with spending time getting to know me, and what I like and don't like. One day at a time and this time with me in mind. Life started to take on a new prospective it looked like there might be a silver lining to this cloud that at one time had seemed so bleak.

I started changing, first small things, then larger. It didn't seem like I was really making any changes, I still looked like me in the mirror, but the reflection looking back seemed to smile a little more. First was to change the clothes I wore, I went from the pullover shirts that she bought me, to either button or snap front shirts. Next was the pants I wore, as the jeans she bought wore out I replaced them with jeans that fit better, that weren't as baggy in the seat. The shoes, she bought me tennis shoes and I wanted boots, the cost was more, but all I had left was me so what the heck, I liked them better and felt better wearing them. She hated hats so I bought a new hat that I thought looked great.

I started looking at other changes I could make, and found I needed to have people I could talk to, so I started going to the clubs on the weekends. I didn't think about picking up girls, I just didn't want to be alone. Invariably it seemed like I never had to go home alone if I didn't want, but didn't feel that taking advantage of the women I met would be something I could do so invariably I would offer a ride, but told them up front it was only a ride, I wasn't looking for anything more than a friendly face. One of the woman I met and gave a ride invited me in and when I refused she wanted to know why.

"Andy are you sure you won't come in?" Connie asked.

"Connie I told you this was just a ride home."

"I've had a lot of men tell me that and want to come in and get better acquainted once we got here. Would you at least walk me to the door?"

After walking her to the door she again invited me in, to which I again declined. She unlocked the door and turned to me one last time and threw her arms around my neck giving me a kiss. "Thank you Andy I had a great time and maybe we can do this again."

The next week Connie was back at the club and when I walked in she came up and invited me to her table.

" Hello Andy, why don't you join us at our table."

"Hello Connie." I looked around and accepted her invitation. As she introduced everyone she was sitting with all the girls with her smiled and gave me a hug. One of them asked if I was gay.

Me gay? Yea right! I was impotent and had been for some time, but I didn't think I was gay. Sure I'd looked at men and wondered what it might be like, but that was as far as it ever went. I smiled at them and assured them I was straight and they all giggled. I invited Amanda to dance and as we reached the dance floor she said her and Connie had a surprise for me when it was time to leave, she kissed me, and we danced.

When we got back to the table the other girls insisted I dance with each of them. By the time I'd danced with all of them they said it was time to go. Connie and Amanda both asked if I would be willing to give them a ride as the others all left without them. As we got in the car the girls smiled and told me where they wanted to go, making me promise I would be willing to come in with them when we got there.

As I made the last turn into Connie's complex the girls started giggling about how much fun they were going to have. "Andy you have to promise not to get mad, but let us finish what we start, ok?" Amanda asked.

I looked over at them and smiled, let them finish whatever it was they were going to do without getting mad. Sounded simple enough, what could they do that would get me mad? I was looking at changing my life and this was going to be something new so why not go along? I made the promise parking were they said to. As we got to a different apartment than the one Connie had gone to last time I started to ask, but changed my mind, they knew where we were going not me, so I followed along.

As we entered the apartment the girls started saying how much fun they were going to have. Connie looked at me and asked if I was sure I wanted to go through with what they had in mind? I assured her whatever it was, it was going to be better than what my past held, so yes, I wanted to go through with it and I wouldn't get upset. Amanda said I needed to strip, that to do it right I would need to remove all my clothes. She assured me when it was over I could have my clothes back, but they hoped I would... "Amanda I promised and I always keep my word. If getting undressed is what needs doing, lets get it done." I proceeded to get undressed. As the last of my clothes came off Amanda led me to the wash room were awaited a tub of hot water.

As I slipped into the water Connie came over with a razor and said they needed to remove the hair on my legs, chest, back, and underarms. I looked at her as she said it and she didn't even crack a smile other than to reassure me they knew what they were doing. "Andy you aren't the first we've done this with, and chances are you won't be the last either. Just relax and let us pamper you for a while. If you want I can slip in with you, if it will make things a little more comfortable for you," Amanda said as she removed her bra and hooked the waist band of her panties.

As Amanda slid her panties down I noticed that she... what kind of girls are these girls? Amanda was hung better than I was, and all I could do was stare. I wanted to take her in my hands... I wanted to... I wanted to let her have me. As she settled in the tub Connie started getting undressed as well. "Andy I hope you don't mind, all of us at the club tonight are this way, but some of us hope one day to... well you understand I'm sure," Connie said.

I understand? What is it I understood? Was it that these girls were all better hung than I was and yet so gorgeous that any man would have lost his cookies just looking at them? No that wasn't it at all I wasn't sure just what it was I understood, but I knew I was very much like these girls. Connie and Amanda shaved all the hair on my body, then shaved my face even though it didn't need it. Once they were done shaving me they drained the tub and turned on the shower so I could rinse off, and handed me a towel to hold as they rubbed me down with baby oil. When I was dry they handed me a pair of panties with orders to put them on, next was a bra and breast forms. Amanda helped me with the bra and took the breast forms and tucked them into the bra for me. Once that was done they helped me with a dress and wig, sat me down and did make-up. Once I had the wig and make-up they asked if I had ever walked in heels before. I think they got the idea I hadn't when I looked at them as though they had lost their minds.

They handed me a pair of heels and Connie helped me put them on. As she stood up she asked how my balance was and put out a hand to help me to my feet. As I stood for the first time in heels I wobbled a little and took a few steps testing how hard they were to walk in.

"Andrea we have somewhere in mind that we aren't willing to share with the others from the club tonight. The men there are straight, but they do know the kind of girls we are," Connie said.

"If you're up for it we can show you a great time and get you laid too, but like Connie said the guys there are straight and they want women not drag-queens. If you aren't up to being a woman..." Amanda followed.

I looked at them and thought about what they were saying and remembered what they had hidden in their skirts and asked just how we were supposed to pull off being women when we were better hung than most men.

"Andrea can you do the things girls do?" Amanda asked

She looked at me wanting an answer, I thought about it and nodded that I was up to the task, or was at least willing to give it my best. Connie pulled up my skirt and pulled down my panties. Together they gave me what they called a prosthesis and showed me how it worked. They said that with this a man could have sex with me and never know I had the same kind of equipment he did, for all he would know I was just what he wanted me to be. They told me I didn't need to take it off to relieve myself either, but it would need a thoroughly cleaning when the night was done. They asked if I was sure I wanted to do this and encouraged me saying they knew how hard it was to go out the first time in public, and they wouldn't make me do anything I didn't feel I was up to.

I wouldn't have to do anything I wasn't ready for? I wasn't sure just what they meant by that, what was it we were going to be doing? We got in my car and they told me were they wanted to go and I sat there looking at them. Were we really going to go to that club, I had a membership to that club in my male name, not the name I intended on using tonight. Right, I get to the door and present a membership card with the name Andrew on it and try telling them it's mine, surely they would take it away and turn me around, or more likely call the cops to have me arrested for stealing the membership card. I looked out the windshield and reached for the key, was I really ready for this? Was I more like these girls then I knew?

"Are you ok Andrea?" Connie asked.

I looked over at her and in the best female voice I thought I had I said no. I didn't know if I could be a girl and that was what they wanted me to be. I sat there with the car running not doing anything but thinking of everything that could and likely would go wrong. "Connie, Amanda I don't know if I can... I want to do this, but I'm not sure I can." I said again using the best female voice I could find.

"Andrea if you would rather go where the others went it's ok, I know it may seem safer than trying to fit in with what others call normal at first," Amanda said.

I looked over at her and just shook my head, I didn't know what I wanted, but I knew I couldn't just... I didn't know what I could, or couldn't do. Did I sound like a girl or not, I didn't know, I needed to know the voice I had fit the image. When I asked them they said I did need to work on the voice and it would become perfect in time, but it was good enough for tonight, unless I wanted to try something else less risqué. I asked what they meant and they just smiled.

"We could always go shopping," Amanda blurted out.

Shopping now that was something I thought I could handle. I put the car in gear and headed for the mall. Once at the mall we went shopping and I started buying things I'd always wanted and looked at, things I had tried to get my ex to wear. Things like dresses, skirts, lingerie, heels... the list goes on. By the time we were done I had a new wardrobe. Where was I going to put all the things I bought, I didn't have a clue, but I knew I had to have them. I had to be me and I finally knew who I was, I wasn't Andy or Andrew, I was Andrea, a woman, and I loved it. I knew this night was just the first time I would be dressing and going shopping, I knew there were many things yet to come that would mean Andrea was in charge. I wanted Andrea to be in charge more and more until one day she was all that was left of what had once been a miserable life. I knew she could make it exciting, and worth living I wanted all she had to offer, and that meant one day she was all that would be left.

"Connie, Amanda I want to know? Is this all the harder it is to be me? All I have to do is put on some pretty clothes and a little makeup and talk like this and I can be free of the burden of living a meaningless life?" I asked.

They both looked at me and smiled, taking my hand and saying there was still time to have a little more fun if I was up for it. We headed for the club they wanted to go to before. When we arrived there were some men standing out front to meet us and they introduced me to them saying I was the same kind of girl they were and looking for a good time. One of the guys had to have been well over six feet tall and built like... well he was able to lift me like I was nothing and in the process he laid a kiss on me that took my breath away.

When he set me on my feet I introduced myself. "Hi I'm Andrea," I said.

He smiled at me and said his name was Leon and he thought I was about the prettiest thing he had ever seen. I blushed and smiled back, it took all I could do to use the female voice I had been using, but somehow I managed.

When we got inside Leon and the other men said they wanted to dance, but Connie and Amanda said they would have to wait until we got back from freshening up first. They took me to the ladies room and said if I wanted to get laid, tonight was a very real possibility. They told me Leon had seen through the other girls they brought here and it didn't seem he had this time, but then all the others failed to maintain their female voice as soon as they had seen him. I looked at them and said I was to scared to even try using any other voice since I looked like I girl I was a girl, at least until I didn't look like a girl anymore. I told them I hoped one day the girl was all that was left, because I felt real for once in my life, I didn't feel I was trying to be someone I wasn't anymore.

They smiled at me again and told me they felt the same way when they started. They went on to tell me it is never to late to discover who you are and said they were sure if I let tonight happen I would never want things back the way they had been again. So much they said and I knew I didn't want to be Andy again already, I was having way too much fun being Andrea.

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  6. ##  A new beginning

The guys watched as we headed for the ladies room, just before going in I saw Leon blow me a kiss. When the door shut Amanda grabbed my arm and asked how far I was going to let it go with him tonight. I started to say something then thought about the kiss he blew me. How far was I willing to let things go if it came to it? I didn't really know, I wanted to say however far he wanted to go, but I wasn't sure just how far that might be and... yes I wanted to know what it would be like, but I didn't want to rush anything, if it happened, it happened, but I wasn't going to let him think I was a whore either, I wanted him to respect me for the woman I was. Where did that come from, the woman I am? I'm not a woman, am I? I looked in the mirror and gasped were was I? There was Amanda on my right, and Connie on my left but who was... what was my sister doing... no not my sister, me. The me I saw every night in my dreams. I had seen this woman every night for as long as I could remember and never had a clue who she was, or why she always did the things I would have done.

With my gasp both Amanda and Connie looked at me and grinned as they realized I hadn't looked in a mirror until just then. Yes, we had gone shopping, but I didn't look in the mirror I took their word for whether, or not something looked good. I learned a long time ago that mirrors lied about what someone looked like because mine had always shown a loser, some guy that couldn't win at anything. And here in this ladies room I saw me, the me I saw every night in my dreams. The me I had always known I was, but never thought to allow out where she could be seen, even by me. I wanted to cry, mirrors didn't lie, they did show the truth, if only I was willing to look beyond the mask. Here looking in the mirror stood this beautiful middle aged woman I had seen for so long and never realized just who she was.

I remembered her when she was just a little girl playing with dolls. "Mommy isn't she pretty?" Roxie said one day when we were stuck inside with the chicken pox. I wanted to cry if only mom hadn't been so upset and let me be me. I just wanted to be me and she said I had to be a boy, and boys didn't wear girl clothes. A tear started to run down my check as I remembered how Ellen said she wanted me to dress up for our first Halloween party together. "Oh come on Andy it'll be so much fun," she said as she pulled out a dress that was so short I blushed at the thought of her wearing it. How could this be? How could I not have known who I was all these years? Yes I had dressed before now, but never with the intent of being anything but a guy wearing a dress for Halloween, mom had seen to that back when again Roxie and I were playing with her dolls, and again I was dressed in her clothes. "Andy how many times do I have to tell you boys don't wear dresses. Boys wear pants and are dads, girls wear dresses and are moms."

Another tear on the other cheek and yet another, I didn't want to cry, but I couldn't stop. I wanted to shout that finally I knew who I was, I had seen myself for the first time in I didn't know how many years. Connie put her arm around me and told me to go ahead and let it out, let all the hurt go so I could be myself without all that bottled up crap I had lived with for so long. As the tears slowed and finally stopped they helped me fix my make-up. "Andrea, Leon is a sex therapist and we were hoping he might be willing to take you as a patient. He's one of the best and if this is who you really are he can help," Amanda said.

If this is... how could anyone not know this is the real me? I looked in the mirror again and knew that had the world been perfect, Andrea would be the one the world knew, not the man I had tried so hard to prove I was. Did I really want to change? Did I want to let the world know the real me? The me I had only known in my dreams until... until what, until tonight? No tonight wasn't the first time I had met Andrea, I met Andrea years ago, back on those days when Roxie and I played together. Mom said I couldn't wear girl clothes, but that didn't mean I couldn't be a girl and Roxie made sure I got that chance. How would she feel now though, could she still accept me as a sister? I got my phone out to call her, I had to know if she still believed her younger sibling was a girl, or if she had submitted to the idea that I was a boy after all these years.

I flipped open the phone and there on the face sat the current time and I started to put it back in my purse. I couldn't call her at this hour, she had to be asleep, she was 2 hours ahead of me and it was late here. As I was ready to give up talking to her this night the phone rang. When I answered, it was mom saying I needed to come home as soon as possible, dad was in the hospital and he might not last until I could get there.

"Connie, Amanda I have to go, that call was... my dad's dying and he may be gone before I can get there. I... I..." I started crying again and they gave me a hug and said they understood. Connie went out to the men and said we were sorry, but tonight was off as something urgent just come up and I needed to go out-of-town for a while. As Amanda and I came out of the restroom Leon was standing there and said anytime I needed he would be happy to take me as a patient and hoped whatever had caused the problem tonight wasn't too serious, that I wouldn't give up on being the real me.

The real me? Who was the real me? Was I Andy or Andrea? I had to know, the thing was I already knew who the real Andi was and that was the Andi I was tonight. Connie said she had some things she needed to take care of here or she would insist on going with. Amanda looked at me with a dare to try stopping her from going with. She ask that Leon make sure Connie got home which he readily agreed to and her and I headed for the car.

"Give me the keys Andrea you're in no shape to drive," Amanda said.

As we reached the car Amanda got in the driver side so I got in the passenger seat and handed her the keys. "Don't you ever put gas in this thing Hun?" she asked. She headed for the nearest gas station and my phone rang again. I was so afraid it was mom telling me dad was gone, I started crying again and answered the phone. What a surprise to have Roxie on the other end.

"Hey sis you need to get home dad wants to see you."

I told her I was on my way, that she called me sis hadn't even made a connection at that point. "How is he Rox?" I asked.

She told me he had seen better days, but seeing his youngest daughter should bring a little life back into his world. It hit me what she said and the voice I was using, I hadn't realized, but I was still dressed as the me I wanted to be, and it seemed I wasn't going to have much choice about changing back since the only clothes I had in the car were the ones we bought that night. I looked over at Amanda and smiled, the tears running down my face even harder. The tears weren't tears of sorrow, but of joy, my sister knew who I was and accepted without question, but more, she said dad seemed to be ok with it too.

We arrived at the hospital and Roxie met us in the parking lot. "How is he sis?" I asked.

As we headed into the hospital she told me, he collapsed just before she got there and it didn't look like he was going to pull out of it. She decided it was time to talk about the past, how her best memories of me had been the ones where she dressed me as a girl. She told him of all the times I had begged her even after mom made it clear I was a boy and would act like a boy, or else. They talked about how he would look in on me so many times at night and seen me laying there wearing her nighties, and he remembered when he was watching us she would dress me in her clothes and the two of us would sit there playing dolls.

I thought back on it and most of the time I dressed was when dad was home with us and mom was off doing whatever it was she did. I hadn't remembered the times dad would come in while we were playing and he would smile and ask if his girls wanted some ice cream. I didn't think about it because nothing was ever said about it, but thinking about it now stirred the memory of how it all started.

"I want to play too," I complained, "I want to be a mommy too."

"But you're a boy," Roxie said.

"I am not, I'm a girl too."

Roxie looked at me and said I was a boy because I dressed like a boy, and boys couldn't be mommies they had to be daddies. I started crying, saying I didn't want to be a boy, I was a girl too. Roxie said I could be a girl if I wanted, but I would have to dress like a girl to be a mommy, and got one of her dresses out and a pair of panties. She said if I was a girl I had to wear girl panties too and that girls didn't stand to go potty so I would have to sit or I wasn't really a girl.

I looked at her as though she were weird of course girls sat down to pee how could they pee standing up? How could anyone pee standing up?

"Roxie how did you know I was never really male? Even I thought I was most of my life?"

She looked at me and smiled. "Andrea, you've always been Andrea to me. From the first time you cried because you couldn't be a mommy until today you've always been my sister. All my friends thought of you as just one of the girls too."

Another memory came at that. "Andrea want to go to the mall with me and Kelly?"

Did I want to go to the mall? Go shopping with Roxie and Kelly? Yes I wanted to go, I loved going shopping.

"You'll have to be a girl."

She did that so many times looking for ways for me to be a girl if I wanted to hang out with her and her friends. She never had to do more than ask, she knew I would dress and go anywhere. I smiled at the memory and asked if she wanted to see what I had gotten the last time I went shopping. As she said she would love to see we reached dad's room.

"Hi daddy," Roxie smiled as we entered.

Dad turned at the sound of her voice and instead of looking at her he looked at me. "Andrea you look great sweet heart," he said.

I looked at him and started crying. How could this sweet kind loving man be in such a way as this. I tried so hard to be like him, to be the same kind of loving man he had been. I came over to his bed and sat on the edge. "Daddy I..." words failed there weren't any that fit at the moment. Here lay the man I thought might escape the one fate we all suffer, he had a strength I never could have matched. I looked over at were mom sat in the chair on the other side of him and saw only contempt in her eyes. It was like she was saying how dare you do this to me? I gave this man a son and now there you are, standing here, while he is on his death bed telling him I'm a liar.

"Hello mom," I said.

The only reply she would give was to say my name. "Andy."

I looked back at dad and there was a smile on his face and in his eyes I hadn't seen in so long.

"You girls want some ice cream before your mom gets back?"

"Really daddy?" Roxie asked.

"Daddy mommy said if we didn't eat all our food we couldn't have ice cream," I said with a pout.

You girls, he knew I was really a girl all those years he always told me how proud he was of the man I had become. How many times I had gone shopping with Roxie and her friends and bought something I knew I was going to have to give up if mom ever found out about it. Yet every time Roxie or I told him we had been shopping he insisted we had to show him what we bought, and if it was clothes he wanted us to model for him.

For my sixteenth birthday he insisted he was taking Roxie and I shopping. "If you girls don't hurry your mother will be back before we leave and it will have to wait for another time."

Whenever he said that we knew he meant for me to be Andrea and that whatever we were shopping for was something for girls. It hadn't dawned on me I was going to be sixteen in just a few days and he might want to get me a sweet sixteen dress. When it was Roxie dad and I, I was always Andrea not Andrew. As we got in the car and to the end of the street mom turned onto the street at the other end so dad turned the corner and off we went. When we got to the mall dad took us to the expensive stores and started looking at the dresses.

"Dad are you really a girl too," I asked.

He smiled at me and said no he wasn't looking for anything for himself, but he heard a rumor that one of his daughters was having a sweet sixteen birthday in a few days and how could she not have a special dress to celebrate such a grand occasion. I threw my arms around his neck giving him a kiss and told him how much I loved him. He hugged me back and said as long as I was happy he was too.

I laid down by dad and put my arm around him giving him the best hug I could, I kissed him on the cheek and told him those words that came so easily all those years ago. The tears flowed just as they had done the day dad bought me that formal dress and a pair of heels to go with. The tears then were from joy unrestrained, but this time they were tears of loss. Tears of how I wasted so many years hating that I could never measure up and be the kind of man he would be proud of. Tears of how at the end I knew I hadn't disappointed him because he loved me no matter who I was. As my tears wet his face he said he loved me and all he ever wanted was for me to be who I chose to be, but it was me who had to decide. I lifted from him a little and smiled and told him I was who I chose to be, his daughter.

He looked over at mom and said he was glad his girls were all there. Now he could go home with joy that his girls would all be taken care of. As he turned back he smiled at Roxie and I and closed his eyes. All the monitors they had him hooked to went dead. Mom let out a wail and Roxie and I gave each other a hug and said how much we loved each other. As the nurses and doctors came rushing in Roxie and I left the room so there was more room for them to do what they felt they needed to do, but knew we had seen the last breath dad would ever take in this life.

As we entered the hall Amanda stood up from the chair she found and just stood there. "Anyone hungry," I asked.

As we got to the car Roxie said she really should stay at the hospital since mom was going to need her. I looked back at the hospital and said I would stay I did still know how to be a man better than Roxie did and whether, or not mom liked it she had another daughter, and it was time she got to know her. Roxie said she didn't know if it was such a good idea, but said she was hungry since she had been at the hospital since she arrived in town, and been sitting with mom because dad had been asleep most of the time.

The hunger won out with my persistence that she needed to get away from this for a little while. Her rental car was very close to my car and as I didn't know if mom had a car there, or if she was willing to let me drive it if she did, they took Roxie's car so if need be I would have a car. As I watched them drive off I walked back to the hospital meeting mom in the lobby. "Mom I..." She looked at me and started crying.

"Andrea I..."

"I know mom. I know this isn't easy for you, but this is who I am now."

She looked at me and for once smiled seeing me dressed like a woman. "Tell me Andrea how much of that is really you?"

I thought about her question for a few seconds wondering if I dared tell her that this is the first time I had dressed and felt like it was right since my 16th birthday. I felt so pretty that day, a new dress that this time was mine not one Roxie let me wear from her closet. "Mom do you remember the dress I wore on my 16th birthday?" She nodded that she remembered. "Dad bought that dress for me, and the shoes too."

She giggled and took my hands in hers. "Andrea I saw that dress the day before and thought of you. I said something about it to Andy and he said you liked it so much he bought it for you. He said it was yours and if you chose to be a girl that day I should just let it go. One day you might accept you were a man, but the choice would in the end be yours to make and all we could do is accept you made the choice that was right for you. Andrea if this is who you feel you have to be, know that I still love you, I don't agree with the choice, but you are the one who has to live with it. Whoever you choose to be, you are still my child, and I still love you."

I didn't know what to say, I never expected mom to say anything like that.

"Good morning Andi, I hope you slept well last night."

"Mmm I had a wonderful night thanks," I replied. Mom complimented me, was she feeling ok...mom the one who refused to allow me to be a girl.

"I was wondering what kind of cake you'd like today? After all it is your big day."

"Could we have a chocolate cake with butter frosting?" Now I knew she had lost it, here I was dressed in one of the new dresses dad bought for me and she acted like nothing was wrong. I wondered if I had been naked would she have acted the same way. Well if she was going to pretend nothing was wrong I was going to enjoy the day, and be myself.

There was a dance that night and Roxie said she wasn't going unless I went too, she said if we went I had to wear my new evening gown and dance if I was asked.

When we got to the dance all these guys I went to school with were there and I wasn't sure I could go through with it. Roxie wasn't about to let me back out once we were there so I excused myself as soon as we got inside and went in the restroom and expunged myself of everything I had eaten for the previous month. When I came out of the stall I looked in the mirror and almost turned around to get rid of even more. Knowing there wasn't anyway I could spend the rest of the night in the restroom I touched up my make-up and went out to find Roxie to tell her just how sick I felt being there. Just as I spotted her Fred came up and asked me to dance. He took my hand and started leading me toward the dance floor. What was I going to do now, God how could this be happening, my best friend, and he was going to try getting a kiss if I knew him. As the music started he turned me toward him and put his arms around my waist pulling me close since the music was geared more to slow dancing than anything.

"You must be new here, or are you just visiting?" he asked.

He pulled back a little waiting for my response. What was I supposed to say? I wasn't new, and I sure wasn't visiting either! I looked him in the eye and said I was here with my sister, and told him my name was Andrea. He told me his name like I didn't already know it then held me close again. As the dance ended he tilted my head up and kissed me. I didn't know what else to do so I kissed him back. As the kiss ended along with the dance I knew I was going to hear about how he met this girl at the dance that was so hot. I was about to go in search of Roxie again, but he took my hand and asked if I would dance again. After that dance I managed to get away if I would give him another kiss. God how nice it felt kissing him, but he was my best friend and if he found out who I was...

I found Roxie and told her we had to go.

"Relax Andrea we just got here, besides I saw you dancing with Fred, it looked like you were really enjoying yourself," she said then turned to some guy and headed out on the dance floor.

As I watched her go, someone else from one of my classes came up and asked me to dance. Before I knew it almost all my friends had asked me to dance, everyone of them gave me a kiss. After about the third dance partner I headed for the punch bowl, while I sipped on a cup of punch Fred came up and sat next to me.

"Hello again Andi," he said.

OMG he knew who I was. He... I smiled at him and he said he thought I was hot. "Andi is there any chance of maybe getting a date with you?"

I looked at him. "Why are you calling me Andi? I said my name is Andrea."

He said he wasn't sure, but I reminded him of his best friend and his name was Andy, and since my name was Andrea well Andi for short. We ended up talking for what seemed like hours then Mark asked me to dance and Fred stepped out-of-the-way.

"Mom have you ever wondered why I quit trying to be a girl?" I asked.

Mom looked over at me and smiled. "I didn't know you had, but if so I guess you figured I was right and decided that being a man would be better," she said.

"Are you hungry? I know I am," I said.

She said she didn't have her car so was hoping Roxie would give her a ride. I told her I had my car, and Roxie and a friend of mine had already gone to get something to eat. "I told them we would meet back at the house."

Mom and I went to breakfast and talked about all the reasons I stopped dressing all those years ago. She didn't understand why if I had been so willing to go against what she thought, I stopped because of what a few friends might think. I listened to her and how she fought against me being a girl. How it went against everything she knew, or thought she understood. She told me it crushed dads dreams for me when I said I didn't want the dress he bought me. Then when I said I was engaged and got married he stood there knowing one day I would again be his little girl, the Andrea he had come to love for her antics.

She went on to tell me every day he would pray he got to see his girls all together one last time. His dream had become hers as the years passed. She saw me shutting down emotionally over the years. She hoped one day I would wake up and be the beautiful person I had been before I stopped being Andrea, and she didn't want to see me without the emotions she had become so use to when she had insisted I couldn't be a girl.

"Andrea are you ok?" mom asked when we got back home from the dance.

I looked at her and ran to my room and took off the dress, I washed the make-up from my face and took the dress and threw it at mom, crying she had her wish I wasn't a girl, I never wanted to be a girl again. I went back in my room and cried until I fell asleep.

Mom looked at me wanting to understand, but not sure how she could. What happened that would have caused me to have the reaction I did? "Andrea what happened that night?"

"Andrea will you go out with me sometime?" Fred asked.

"Fred I... things aren't always what they seem, there is something about me that makes it impossible for... Fred I'm Andy."

"Yea, you said that was your name, but that doesn't tell me if you'll go out with me."

This was proving to be hard in ways I never expected. How was I going to tell him I was his best friend and not hurt him? I looked him in the eyes and kissed him. I so wanted to say I wanted more than anything to be his girl friend, but if I did and he found out that... no he had to know the truth first, then if he wanted me to be his girl friend ok. "Fred I mean I'm Andy your best friend. Inside I feel like a girl, at home I can be a girl but...."

He reached for my crotch then hit me. "You sorry sick bastard. To think I wanted to... don't you ever talk to me again. Your nothing but a pervert." He started hitting and kicking me.

Roxie came over and the guy she was dancing with pulled him off me. As soon as he was off me he walked away never looking back. Roxie thanked the guy that stopped Fred from beating me, and said she needed to take her sister home and excused herself. When we got to the door one of the chaperons stopped us saying they wanted to make sure I was ok before we could go. I looked at Roxie and she just shrugged not knowing what else to do but let them check. As the chaperon checked me out they too found the reason Fred got so mad, and told us to get out or they would call the police and have me arrested since they had seen me using the girls restrooms.

We got back to moms and Roxie and Amanda were waiting for us. "We got lunch about ready hope you're hungry," Roxie said.

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  7. ##  Time! Friend or Foe?

On Monday I called work to tell them I wouldn't be back for the next week as my father had passed. We had so much to do getting him buried and the estate settled. Rudy my direct supervisor said something to the effect that if I didn't show up for a week without warning perhaps my job wouldn't be there when I got back. I reminded him of the law and he said he wasn't firing me, but... he already didn't like me because of something that happened between us with regard to his efforts to get me fired, that and my attitude about everything had gone down hill since I got kicked out of the house.

I lost interest in so many things that day. "Andy when you get back your things will be in the shed, don't bother trying the house I've had all the locks changed." I did try the house I didn't even think about it, I'd forgotten all about the call when I got home. I tried to call to have her pick me up only to hit the answering machine. Where was she, she knew I was due in. I took a cab and when I got to the house I put my key in the lock and it didn't work. I looked where we kept a spar key and instead of the spar key, found only a note saying everything was in the shed, and I had until Saturday to get it, or it was all going in the trash. I looked in the shed and there was everything that was so familiar. The clothes, tools, and most everything else that was mine because she didn't have any use for it.

I looked at my truck sitting there and just stared. How had this happened? What was going on that she would throw away so many years together? I got in the truck and drove to a motel I knew wasn't going to cost more than I had, as I tried to check in I gave them my debit card and they asked if I had any other way of paying as there didn't seem to be sufficient funds to cover even one night. I apologized and left, all the money I had was on that card. I drove to the bank and found out she had closed the account the week before, taking the fifteen thousand dollars that had been there and transferring it to another account at another bank. What was I supposed to do now? I had everything I now owned sitting in a shed and no money even for a place to sleep. I went back to the house and started loading what I could in the back of the truck figuring if nothing else I could sleep in the cab of the truck.

Once I had the bed of the truck as full as I could, I looked at what was left and sighed. So much that I wasn't going to be able to keep, all because she took all the money. I drove into the office to let them know I was back and found I had a paycheck waiting there, she had apparently closed the account the day before it should have been deposited in the bank.

I called this time talking to the head of personal. "Hello Andy sorry to hear about your father, take what ever time you need and come see me when you get back."

What a relief having one of the owners say that. Take whatever time I needed. I didn't know how much time I needed, I never thought anything could hurt worse than losing my marriage of fifteen years, but this had. This hurt in ways I hadn't felt in so many years.

"Andrea will you go out with me?" Fred asked.

"Fred I..." he started hitting and kicking me. How had this happened? How is it I gave up so long ago when all I really ever wanted was to be accepted for me.

"Jeff I need to talk about something else when I get back as well," I said.

"We can talk when you get back Andy, for now just take care of what you need to there, give me a call if there's anything I can do, ok. Oh and Andy there is something if you wouldn't mind handling some work for me while you're there."

"What is it Jeff if I can, you know I will. Since my divorce you've been great to me."

"Andy I got a call from a young lady by the name of Connie saying that one of my employees was having an issue with something called Gender Identity Disorder. She also told me they were going to need some time because their father was dying and... I think you get the picture Andy. When you called I was wondering if it wasn't you."

"Jeff what is it you need me to take care of here?"

"I need to know if you are dressed or the Andy everyone here knows."

I was totally lost now. What was he getting at? Was I dressed or the Andy they all knew? "Jeff I'm me, the me I should have always been."

"Ok Andy, I hope that's the Andi I knew from a dance I was at thirty plus years ago. I really think that Andi could handle most anything. The biggest client we have in that area wants someone who can make decisions to make an assessment on one of our products they have. Andi, we need you to stop in and make sure the thing is hooked up right and they know how to use it properly."

He gave me the name of the company, and the person I needed to talk to, just before saying goodbye he wished me the best with the loss of my father and said whatever I did about the problem he knew would be what needed to be done.

"Andy you throw like a girl," Jeff said. I looked at him and he smiled. "Andy if you can't throw it's ok, but we need a pitcher who can. If you're interested I know someone who can pitch, but they're pro so no way they'll let them play here."

"Jeff I know I can't throw. I hated sports most of my life and I'm here simply because you insisted I had to be."

"Do you still hate sports Andi? I've seen you do things I never thought could be done to many times to think you can't throw if it's called for."

He introduced me to his sister, and she said I had a lot of potential, but it wouldn't happen over night. Jeff left me in his sisters care for learning to pitch. I still wasn't sure it was a good idea. "So you're Andrea? He talks about you all the time."

"Andrea? Who told you I was Andrea?"

She smiled at me and said even girls can throw the ball if they take the time to learn. Andy if you want to be a man, fine by me, but if you want to be the person Jeff told me about I'm more than willing to help. I didn't understand, I wasn't a girl, I had never been a girl, I just didn't care for sports, granted there were other things that men didn't usually like that I did, but I wasn't a girl.

She taught me to pitch, then showed me some video's of her pitching. There was one that showed a radar display of her fast balls speed. I thought of the times I heard the other guys saying how so and so had such a fast pitch and how their pitch had been clocked at such a high speed, then looked at the reading on the screen. The guy the others talked about did have a fast ball, I guessed it was incredible, but when compared to the number showing on the screen it seemed slow. I looked at Jennifer and wondered of the accuracy of that number.

"Andy that game was my last year in the pros I hurt my shoulder a few weeks later and wasn't able to get the accuracy back I needed to stay. I finished out the year coaching the other pitchers, then retired from the game."

One hundred fifteen miles an hour, and she lost it all in a freak accident. Someone turned not looking and hit her broad side pushing her shoulder into the door. She did recover, but the doctors said if she pitched anymore chances were she would re-injure it so they couldn't fix it. How unfair life seemed to be at times, yet she seemed to not mind. She said she was thinking of retiring anyway. She wanted to have a family and the traveling was just too much for that.

I gave Jennifer a call and said I was ready to take her up on the offer she made so long ago, I heard her laugh, saying she wanted to know just what I meant. What I meant, she knew what I meant, but wanted to hear me say it. "Do you remember when we first met and you called me Andrea?" She said she did, and wanted to know if I was finally ready to admit to it. "Yes Jenn I'm ready to admit to it. The Andrea your brother knew back then was me, and it's still me. Jenn I'm ready to accept the offer you made of helping me be Andrea."

She didn't answer right away. I guess she needed time to process what I just said.

"Jeff I would love to dance," I said. He lead me out to the dance floor and kissed me.

"You look great Andrea," he said. I smiled at him and he kissed me. "If I said I know who you are here at school what would you say?"

I freaked, if he knew who I was, could I trust him to not share it with anyone? I had to know if he did, or not, I felt if he said my name I was going to pass out if not die out right. "And who do you think I am Jeff?"

He kissed me again and said I could trust him he would never tell anyone. So reassuring having someone say that in a place like this. "Jeff if you think you know who I am tell me, otherwise please just let it drop."

We finished that dance and he kissed me again, and whispered my name in my ear. I looked him in the eye and said if I ever heard him say that name or mine again, I would cut his balls off and feed them to him.

"Andrea I don't understand, what did I say wrong?"

"Jeff, what do you want from me? I don't have any money, you're doing better in school than I am, so what is it you want from me?"

He said he didn't want anything, he said he just wanted to be my friend, something if any of the other guys ever found out was a commodity I would find in very short supply. I turned to look at him and got bumped in the back, he caught me and I found myself in his arms. I stood there thinking of... the music started and we were dancing again, him holding me and me holding him and I... I looked him in the eye and kissed him, he didn't try to pull away, instead he put his hand on the back of my head and kissed me even deeper. I melted in his arms and wanted him to kiss me harder. I wanted him to hold me tighter. I wanted... what was happening to me I was having trouble breathing, and it all of a sudden felt overly warm. As the dance ended I didn't move I wanted to stay in his arms, I was safe in his arms, I knew no matter what might happen he would always be there for me, his kisses, the way he held me said so. He broke our embrace and I knew I'd found love, how unlikely was it that this man would want me? He wasn't the best looking guy there, not by any means, but he loved me I felt sure of it. I went to get a drink of punch and he said he would be right back.

"Andrea will you go out with me sometime?"

"Hi Fred."

"Will you go out with me, Andrea?"

He reached for me, then hit me, yelling, calling me names, how did I get on the floor? He kicked me then started hitting me some more. Why was he hitting me what did I do? Where is Jeff? Why does it hurt? I don't understand? What's happening, the lights seemed to be getting dim.

"I think we should look at her... I suggest you take this thing home, or I'll call the police and have it arrested..." It hurts, why does it hurt so much? What did I do wrong? Where's Jeff, why did he leave me? Did I just imagine he loves me?

Mom took the phone and wanted to know who it was that they could hurt her baby like this. What was she talking about, I was talking to Jenn... there were tears running down my cheeks. Why was I crying? I told mom Jenn hadn't done anything to hurt me I was just remembering the day I lost so much. I took the phone back, apologizing to Jenn for the interruption. "Jenn why didn't Jeff ever get married?" I asked.

She told me he had found a girl he loved and wanted to be with, a girl so beautiful and so off limits. She told me he knew one day she would be there and he would show he still loved her and never stopped loving her. "Andrea he didn't know what happened that night, but he never forgot how your kisses made him feel. He swore he was never going to find anyone who could love him that way again.

"I love you Andrea. I have something I need to take care of, but I'll be right back ok?"

"I'll be over by the punch bowl waiting Jeff." As I walked over to the punch bowl I thought of the kiss, and felt so tingly all over. He said he loved me. He wanted to be my boyfriend, and he said he loved me.

"Andi will you go out with me?"

"I have a boyfriend Fred." I was still floating from Jeff telling me he loved me.

"Andrea I... just a date I'm sure whoever," he touched me in the crotch area and turned white then hit me.

Oh God he wants to kill me. Jeff where are you? Please God don't let it hurt. I was laying on the ground, and he was kicking me. I just wanted Jeff he loved me didn't he? He said he did, but why wasn't he here? Why wasn't he trying to protect me?

"Excuse me, but we need to make sure she isn't going to need to go to the hospital."

They found the reason Fred started hitting and kicking me. "I suggest you get that... out of here, or I'll call the police and it's the one that will go to jail." As we walked out to the car they said they thought I should be dead, that way I couldn't try making people think I was something I wasn't.

"Andy you aren't a girl you're a boy," Mom said.

I looked at mom and frowned how could I be a boy? I didn't like the things all the boys I knew liked, but I did like the things the girls liked, so I had to be a girl.

"Boys don't wear dresses, they wear pants," Mom said.

Ok, so there. I was a girl I loved wearing dresses, if boys wore pants and I wore dresses I had to be a girl because I didn't like wearing pants if I could wear a dress. So why was mom so mad at me for being a girl if that was what I was?

"Boys stand up to go potty, girls sit down to potty," Mom said.

I always sat down to potty, it was much easier for me that way, and I didn't make as much mess. "Mom you aren't making any sense everything you say girls do, is what I do, and the things you say boys do I don't. So I must be a girl."

Mom looked at me and threw her hands in the air. "Andy girls have girl names, you have a boy name," she finally said in frustration.

"But mommy I have a boy name because you said I had to, not because I wanted one. Roxie says I can be Andrea, then I have a girl name," I whined back at her. She looked at me and told me to take my sisters dress off, and put on a pair of pants. I wanted so much to be what she wanted, but dad said I was his little girl, and he called me Andrea too.

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  8. ##  Views of Respect

"Hello Kathy, My name's Andrea, Jeff asked me to stop in and see if there was something I could do to help with any problems you might be having with our products." I introduced myself.

She looked at me and smiled. "He told me he was sending his best and her name was Andrea. So tell me are you the best?"

I giggled and said I didn't know if I was the best, but I did have a hand in creating the machine. She looked at me and smiled again. We went out to the production floor and watched as they worked the machine.

"When I bought this thing I was assured it could do twice the work in half the time," she said.

As I watched what was going on I noticed there were several steps taken that weren't needed with that machine. I asked her if I could see the code for what they had the machine doing. I saw that yes, it would work, but it would run at about half the speed it should be. I took the code, made a few changes and asked them to run a test with the changes I made. After reloading the code in the machine they ran their test and checked it against the previous parts for accuracy. When the part with the changes was inspected she looked at me wanting to know what I had done, the test part had taken less than half the time, and showed a greater degree of accuracy than the parts before it. I offered to sit down with the people she had and go over what I had done to help them understand how to do it so they wouldn't have the problems they were having now.

"Andrea I wanted to be able to recommend this to others, but it wasn't giving the results we had been promised, so I didn't dare. Can you tell me why the sales man nor those who installed this machine bothered to tell us how to make it do what you just did?" Karen asked.

I told her I didn't have the answer, but would find out. Everyone of the sales men, and installation crews knew the information, and were supposed to share it. They even had manuals they were supposed to be giving when they sold or installed a machine. She told me they'd left a manual and even tried to set up a class for the programmers, but her head programmer said they could read the manual and figure out everything, that classes would be a waste of valuable time.

I asked her to set up a class, and I would see to it her programmers knew how this machine worked best. That next time she think about having classes when they bought new equipment they hadn't used before.

We went back in the office and she told someone to get the head programmer in her office right away. As we waited he came walking in casually and took a seat. I looked at him and shook my head, had it been my office and he did that he would have been looking for another job. I didn't like arrogance and this man didn't care that this woman was his boss, he was man, and all women were beneath him, or so it seemed by his actions.

"You wanted to see me Kathy?" he asked as he put his feet on the desk.

I looked at her, and she just sat there like she didn't dare say anything. I stood up and walked over to the desk. I looked down at him, and asked if this office was his. When he said no I pushed his feet off the desk and said if I saw them there again he would have casts on both of them. Kathy looked at me and smiled, then introduced me. He looked at me and grinned.

"Well a little lady with grit," he said.

I looked him in the eye, and told him in my book he was an arrogant ass, and not worth my time. I looked at Kathy and asked if she had anyone else that knew how to program because hell would freeze over before this buffoon would ever learn anything from me but respect, and I was sure no amount of time would teach him that.

He stood up to leave and Kathy asked him to take his seat again. He looked at her, and walked out of the office.

"Why do you put up with that," I asked.

She told me he was her brother-in-law, and she didn't need trouble at home because of him. She tried to set rules when he first started working for her, but he went to her husband whining about how she thought she was so much better than anyone, and it was just easier to let it slide than get in a fight with her husband. She made a call and another woman came in carrying a note book.

"Hi Kathy," she said as she entered.

"Rachel this is Andrea," she introduced me. "She's here to help us get up to speed, and has offered to share her knowledge."

Rachel came over and shook my hand. She smiled and said she'd heard I was here as a representative, and hoped I would be able to help. She was sure something wasn't right with how things were done, and she wanted to... She wanted to what? She wanted to help make the company better. I sat back in the chair Kathy offered me, and opened my computer bag taking out my computer pulling up the manual for their machine. Rachel asked if there was anyway she could get a copy as she hadn't had the chance to look at it before.

"Rachel you were here when the machine was put in," Kathy said.

Rachel looked over at Kathy and affirmed she was, but had never seen the manual. John never allowed any of them access to the manual. He told them this machine worked the same as the others, so there was no point. Kathy looked angry enough to chew nails and spit bullets. She wanted to know why none of them came to her with this before, and found out John said anyone who did wouldn't work there much longer. Kathy picked up the phone and called John telling him he had ten seconds to be in her office or ten minutes to be out of the building.

As the seconds passed and turned into minutes we did nothing but wait. After ten minutes went by Kathy got up and left the office to see if John had taken her threat seriously or not. She rounded the corner to the office he had and he sat there looking as though nothing was wrong.

"John you're fired," she said loud enough everyone in the office heard.

He looked at her and smiled. "You can't fire me I'm what makes this company work."

She reached for the phone on the desk and he hit her. I grabbed my cell phone and called 911.

"911 how may I help."

"We need the police," I said and gave the address.

When the police got there John tried to tell them he owned the company, I was trespassing, and Kathy had tried to assault him. He said he had everything under control and there wasn't any need for them. Kathy looked at one of the officers and mouthed that John was lying and the bruise was starting to show. The police tried to arrest John and he fought back saying they had no right. He knew his rights, this was ridicules he wasn't the trouble maker I was. Until I showed up everything had been fine.

I thought about how things were back home in my own office. How Rudy treated me and the others who were under him.

I worked out a class schedule with Kathy and Rachel over the next two weeks and told them I really needed to go as I was here on family business.

When I got back to moms I called Jeff and told him what was going on, and I needed to talk about something and it couldn't wait any longer.

"You've talked to Jenn haven't you? You made her tell you what her and I talked about didn't you? Jeff tell me, is what she said true? You never married because of me?"

He started to say something, I think to deny he knew what I was talking about, then stopped. "Andrea I... yes I talked to Jenn we talk most every day, but she didn't tell me anything, she almost never does."

"How did you know to tell Kathy I'd be Andrea?" I demanded.

"Andrea I hoped you were back I... when I got that call saying one of my employees was suffering GID I knew it was you, and I knew if anyone could handle the problem there it was you. Had you been here on Monday I would have talked to you in my office about this and sent you to solve the problem.

Do you remember the dance were I first met you as Andrea? I do! I can forget it. Andrea I love you. I knew it that night, and I know it today. When you came here looking for a job you weren't the person with the best qualifications. I saw you come in, and watched as you turned in your resume. As soon as you were out of the building I told them you had the job, I didn't even know what job you applied for, but to me it didn't matter. I've never regretted that decision."

A note from so long ago, one I read and threw out. "I love you and want you to be part of my life. I'm not sure what happened, but I promise I'll never let you get hurt again. I wasn't there once please give me another chance and I'll prove myself to you."

He loves me. Right he doesn't have any idea what he's in for if anyone reads this. I burned that letter and several others like it over the next three months. He loves me, do I love him? I'm doing you a favor Jeff. Please understand it's for the best for both of us. I can't be Andrea she doesn't exist. Jeff I wish it could be different I wish I could be the girl you think I am, but that girl doesn't exist, not now not ever. I wanted to run to him. To tell him I loved him, but I couldn't Andrea was gone she had to die so I could live. I longed to have him hold me again like he did that night. To heard him say those words again. "Andrea I love you." With each note I cried and I forgot who I was a little more as I set flame to it.

Then I met Ellen and she seemed to make life wonderful again. She almost made me feel the love again. But every time I held her it was as though I was holding air, one minute there and the next gone. Her embrace was cold and I didn't understand why. When she threw me out I thought maybe it was because she never really loved me. Now though... now I have to wonder if it wasn't me who never really loved her. Never loved her because I couldn't love anyone, my heart already belonged to someone else.

"Jeff I need to say something, and I want you to promise not to interrupt me," I waited for some kind of acknowledgment and got it. "Jeff I don't blame Ellen for our marriage failing anymore, she did her best. She really tried. She didn't know my heart wasn't mine to give anymore, but neither did I. I know now, but back then I didn't know, I gave my heart away a long time ago. I gave it without condition to a young man who said he loved me even knowing what I was.

Jeff when I get home I'm coming back as Andrea, I have to know, I... I hope that I... Jeff I love you."

He didn't say anything. He didn't say he loved me. He didn't say go to hell Andrea. He didn't say anything at all. I held my breath waiting, and nothing. I sat there holding my breath for what seemed an eternity, and just when I thought of giving up.

"Andrea you have no idea just how happy you've made me. To hear you say that has made all the years worth it. To hear that made my heart stop. Andrea I love you. I've always loved you. For me there has never been anyone else but you. Tell me what I can do to help and I'll do it."

Tell me what I can do to help Andrea, and I'll do it. What can he do to help. I thought about those words, and didn't know what to say. I thought back on everything that happened since I started working for him. He had always held me so high, had always put me on a pedestal. I though of the times Rudy said he was going to fire me and never did. Was it because he couldn't? I didn't know and was afraid to find out. If it happened Jeff was protecting me from being fired... I wasn't sure what I would do.

"Jeff has Rudy tried to fire me and had you over ride him?" I didn't want to know, but had to know at the same time.

He didn't answer right away, I was beginning to think maybe he wouldn't. "You are so done here Andy. Clean out your desk even he can't stop it this time." Who was he? I thought I was gone that time for sure and when I started cleaning out my desk Adam came in and wanted to know what I was doing. When I told him he simply said to get what I would need together they needed me to go out-of-town, and when I got back we would talk about whether, or not I was fired.

"Andrea, Rudy doesn't have the power to fire anyone, I thought you knew that." Jeff said finally. "In fact when you get back you'll be moving into his office as he no longer works here. I heard him try using that with a couple of the others from your office this morning and fired him on the spot. The only ones in this company that have the ability to fire are the ones who can hire, Rudy never hired anyone so he couldn't fire anyone either, and as I'm the one who hired you only Adam or I can fire you."

So Rudy had been bluffing all this time, he had tried to fire people. I wondered how many of those he tried to fire left not knowing they hadn't been fired. "Jeff, when Allen left he did so thinking he'd been fired. I want to know did he say anything to you?"

It turned out Jeff found out why Allen quit coming to work the day he got a call from another company wanting to know the real reason he had been let go. He found out Friday and this was Tuesday. He started hanging around close to the department I worked in because of that."Andrea will you be able to be back by Monday?" he asked me.

I thought about everything going on here and said for me to be home Monday someone else would have to come give the classes I'd set up. If they were willing to send someone else I could be home tomorrow night.

"We need you here as soon as you can get here, but I don't want you cutting time with you family if they need you. Andrea I want you back here ready to work. I think I'll send someone else to take that class anyway." In the back ground I heard him tell Kevin to get his bags packed his flight left at seven o'clock and he had a class to teach in the morning. He said I would be picking him up so I could go over things and bring him up to speed. "Andrea can you..."

I assured him I could handle getting Kevin and giving him all the details of what was happening.

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  9. ##  Time Lost

As I hung up the phone Amanda was standing there looking at me. I wanted to tell her everything, but wasn't sure I knew the answers myself so didn't say anything.

"Not easy is it?" she said when I didn't say anything.

I turned and thought about her question. Isn't easy is it? No... nothing seemed easy anymore. It seemed everything I knew was wrong, and I didn't know how to make it right. The one person I knew I could turn to was gone and I just wanted to cry, but had so many things taking up my life I didn't have time.

I turned back to her and asked, "will it ever get easier?"

She smiled at me and just shook her head. "Andrea I don't think it ever gets easier, but it does get better. For girls like us nothing is ever easy, if it were we would find a way to complicate them just because we can. If you need to talk I'm a good listener."

I needed to talk, but had no idea what I needed to say. I wanted to say I... no not I, but what. This was about me, but it wasn't just about me, it was about everyone I knew as well. It was about those I knew now, and those I haven't met yet who I would deal with. What if being Andrea wasn't right for me? What if Andy is who I am, and I just don't know it. I thought about what I knew the Bible said, and thought about how it never said anything about being who you knew you were inside. I thought about how I tried so hard to be what the world said I was, and how miserable it made me. I told her I needed to make one more call, then if she still wanted to talk I was completely open to the idea. She nodded and I picked the phone up and dialed.

"Hello."

"Ellen can I talk to you for a minute please?"

"I never expected to hear from you again Andy. I have a few minutes I guess."

"Ellen my dad died Sunday morning, I thought you might be interested." She didn't say anything, but didn't hang up either. I heard her sniffle and went on. "I did get to see him before he died, I know he would have loved seeing you too. Ellen it wasn't the me you were married to he saw, but the me in all the stories he told you. I can't be Andrew anymore because he doesn't exist, and I'm not really sure he ever did."

"I don't blame you for what happened between us, I know you tried. I know you gave everything you had to give, and I didn't give back. I wanted to, I tried to, but I couldn't accept myself for who I tried to be and... and I have no excuses."

"Do you remember my dad telling you about Andrea?" as I said Andrea my voice changed to Andrea's.

"I remember," she said.

"I'm Andrea!" I said. "As Andrea I gave my heart long before we met, when I asked you to married me I wanted to be everything to you, you had been to me, but someone else held my heart and..." I didn't know what to say, I wanted to tell her I loved her, but I loved Jeff in ways I could never love her. I wanted to say I was the kind of man she needed me to be, but I wasn't even a man I was a woman.

"Andi I knew a long time ago I didn't have your heart, I hoped one day I would, I was sure I could help you be the man you tried so hard to be. I tried to get you to dress for Halloween because I thought if you did you would give up on trying to being Andrea, and I could have that one thing I knew I didn't. I gave so much, and asked so little, but I couldn't give anymore. I gave up on us, and did the only thing I could to try having something that you couldn't give, your love."

"The day we got married I thought I was the luckiest girl in the world because I found a man who understood women. I didn't know what I had was a woman trapped in a body they didn't belong in, and one who belonged to someone else too. Can I ask who he is Andi?"

She wasn't mad at me! I had been sure she would be mad at me, and never want to hear from me again, but she wasn't. All she wanted to know was who held my heart. "Jeff, he's had it since my sixteenth birthday."

She said how everything fit now. No wonder I loved my job so much it gave me the chance to see the person I loved almost every day. She said she wondered if he might have been the one the way he looked at me and took care of me. Like he was protecting something he valued above anything else.

"Andy you have something most here don't," Adam said.

I smiled and he winked at me and chuckled. I never understood what he meant by that comment, and doubted he would ever be willing to explain it to me. He kissed Ellen's hand and told her she should do all she could to hang on to me because if she ever let go I would be hard to replace.

"Ellen I'm Andrea all the time now. I don't think I can ever be anybody else again. I hope we can be friends."

She giggled and said she was happy I finally knew who I was. She wanted nothing but the best for me, she said she too had found someone who could be all we hoped I could have been. She wanted to be friends too.

She found someone who could be everything I hadn't been able to be. "Ellen you should do everything you can to hold on to this guy, he'd be hard to replace." Ellen had started coming by the office after that, it seemed I was always busy when she arrived, and Adam was always free to entertain her until I was available. Could it be, she and Adam... and if it were true, what then?

"Ellen, I know who ever it is, he is a very lucky man, and I wish you all the best." Strangely as the words came out I knew I meant them. I knew any man strong enough to accept her was going to find he had a treasure few men would ever have. I wished I could have been the man she needed, but I wasn't able, I was never meant to be a man for any woman, because I wasn't a man in my heart, and never had been.

As I hung the phone back up Amanda said she wanted to talk. We went in the kitchen and she sat at the table as I started getting things out to fix dinner.

"So your Andrea full-time already?"

I didn't understand, why shouldn't I be Andrea full-time? In my heart I was Andrea, I had someone who loved me as Andrea, I was accepted at home as Andrea. So why shouldn't I be Andrea full-time already? I closed the refrigerator and sat across from her. "Is there some reason I shouldn't be?" I asked.

"No, none I can think of at any rate. Andrea it took me six months of therapy before I was even willing to go out the first time as Amanda. It took another year and six months of being on hormones before I finally went full-time. When I went full-time I still hadn't come out to all of my family, and when they found out most of them thought I had lost my mind. My mother said she had a boy, and if she didn't now it was because he was dead, not because he had chosen be who he knew he was. A couple of my cousins have stuck by me, but for the most part I lost everyone who thought they knew me, because they couldn't adjust to me being who I knew I was instead of who they thought I should be."

As I listened I saw tears welling in her eyes. I wanted to reach out and hold her, to give her the love and comfort I had in my life. How could a mother turn on her child like that? "Andy you're a boy not a girl. In this house you will act like a boy or I... now get out of Roxie's dress and back in your own clothes." I reached across the table and put my hand on Amanda's.

"I'm so sorry Amanda," I said. "I wish there were some way of changing..." I had started to say as mom came in.

"Mind if I join you?" Mom asked. We said it was ok and she pulled up a chair. "Amanda I couldn't help over hear what you said. I think if Andrea wanted she could remember a time her mother said something very much like that.

If you want I would be willing to talk to her, I'm sure she still cares she just doesn't know how to accept what she believed for so long could be wrong."

I remembered how I needed so much to be accepted by mom and hadn't been. I wanted to be like her so much, but she insisted that I was like dad. Yet if I asked dad he said I was like mom so much he sometimes thought I was her, only smaller. Mom took my lifetime coming to grips with me being Andrea, I didn't know how much time Amanda's mom had to come to grips with the idea, or if she ever would.

Amanda looked over at mom and asked how she had finally come to accept me as Andrea. "Mrs Jensen what was it that finally let you accept. You said yourself you were opposed to Andrea. Yet since we got here it's as though she has always been who she is now, and with your full acceptance."

"I was out shopping one day while the girls were in school, and came across a dress I knew would be something Andrea would love. I tried to think of Roxie, but every time I looked it was Andrea I saw. Next to that dress was a pair of heels that went with it perfectly. I walked away saying that Andrea wasn't real I had one daughter, and one son, Roxie was my girl. I went back and it was still Andrea I saw wearing that dress and heels. As I stood there a mother and daughter came in and saw the dress and the girl insisted on trying it on. The girl was about the same size Andrea was so I hung around to see how it would look. She came out of the dressing room and the mother said... I swear this is what I heard... Andrea that dress is so gorgeous on you. When I turned to the mother they both disappeared, it was as though they had never been there.

The image of that was still so fresh in my mind the day Andrea walked in the kitchen for breakfast that morning. I had to catch my breath seeing her, she looked just like the girl from the store a few days before. I wanted to hug her, and tell her how beautiful she was. That night when they came home from the dance and she ran to her room and took the dress off and threw it at me. "I hope you're happy mom, I'm not Andrea I'm just a boy trying to be a girl. Andrea doesn't exist, she never did." I was torn I wanted my little girl back so bad, and was so afraid I had lost her forever.

When my little Andrea came walking in that room in the hospital I wanted to cry, it took everything I had not to run around Andy's bed and throw my arms around her. When she sat on the bed, then lay down and gave her father a hug I knew everything was how it should have always been. I never knew why Andrea stopped being herself, and tried to be what she thought everyone else wanted her to be. What I did know was I missed my little girl more than I could imagine."

I put my arm around mom and gave her a hug and told her how much I loved her.

We sat there thinking our own thoughts. I thought about how everything seemed to be going the way it should have so many years ago. What would have happened had that night not happened? What if Jeff had returned before we left that night? "Andrea I love you!" those words rang through my head. He said he loved me. He said he loved me, but he wasn't there when I needed him. I wanted to be Andrea. I wanted his love to be real, but he wasn't there when I needed him, he was off doing who knew what, and I was left to fend for myself. It hurt so much because I did love him. He had my heart, and I couldn't take it back, I didn't know why he wasn't there, so I couldn't take back what I gave him, but he was going to have to prove himself this time. There was no free ride, he had his free chance and missed it. Now he had to show he wouldn't leave me like that again.

I looked at the clock and said I guessed we were going out, or it would be midnight before we ate. Roxie came walking in with a couple pizza boxes and a two litter bottle of coke telling me to save my money. After we all had a slice of pizza and a glass of coke Amanda asked if mom was serious about talking to her mom. Mom told her the offer was sincere, she did understand because she had been through it, and she hadn't lost a son she gained a daughter.

"Amanda, Andrea is still Andy only better, she still has the love Andy had only deeper. She still has all the compassion Andy had only is better able to show it. Andy is still there, every time I look at Andrea I see him, but now I see so much more, I see a person so full of life it makes me feel more alive. I'm sure if your mother would take the time to get to know the you I see she would feel the same for you I feel for Andrea."

I ate a couple slices and excused myself saying I had somewhere I needed to go. As I got in the car I sat there thinking of what mom said, she still saw Andy in me, but she saw me as more than Andy had ever been, she saw me as a whole person. I put the key in the ignition and Amanda got in the passenger seat. I looked over at her and smiled.

"Do you have any idea just how lucky you are girl?" she asked.

I started the car and backed out of the drive before saying anything. "I have an appointment with the pastor, you're welcome to be there if you really want. Amanda, yes, I know I'm very lucky, I know I could have lost everything, but I'm Andrea now and that's just how it is. Nothing else seemed important any longer, when you and Connie helped me see what I tried so hard to forget."

"So no regrets, hmm?"

"No regrets. Do you ever question your choice?" I put the car in gear and headed for the church. She didn't answer me until I pulled in the parking lot of the church.

"Andrea I've had times I thought I might be wrong. I even stopped for about a year. After about nine months I called my mom and told her I wasn't a girl after all, she said she didn't know anyone by my male name. Her son was dead and..." She stopped and didn't say anything as I parked. I wanted to be able to put my arms around her and tell her how much I loved her. "When she said her son was dead I tried to kill myself. Connie and I were room mates, she found me in the bath with both wrists cut very deep. She was able to stop the bleeding then call an ambulance, but I lost a lot of blood and they weren't sure I would make it."

I leaned over and gave her a hug and told her she had family, maybe not the one God had given her by birth, but this one would love her unconditionally, and kissed her on the cheek. I straightened up and slid out of the car. "Come on I think you need this more than I do," I said taking her hand and leading her into the church. As we reached the alter of the church I knelt at the rail and started praying. Before long I felt her kneeling next to me and I started praying loud enough she could hear. As I ended the prayer we both said Amen and I heard the pastor say amen with us. I didn't move right away, but stayed there praying again in silence, praying that God would work his will with her family, that they see the beautiful person I did, and come to accept her for who God made her to be.

As I stood up and turned the pastor greeted us and said he was glad I had been able to make it. "Andrea it's been so long since you have graced the walls of this church with your presence, it's such a pleasure to see you again."

"Andy it is a sin for a boy to dress as a girl," Pastor Jim said.

"But I'm not a boy Pastor Jim," I replied.

He looked at me and asked why I thought I wasn't a boy. "Andy why do you think you are a girl not a boy"

"I just know Pastor Jim." I said.

He said he wanted to talk to me some more, but he was going to be busy and he would see what he could do about making an appointment so we could talk later in the week. The talk never happened, he met with dad several times, but the meeting with me never happened. He started calling me Andrea a few weeks later which made me smile, and he just put his hand on my head and ruffled my hair.

Pastor Jim and I did talk several times over the years, but I had always been Andrea, until that night when everything changed. When I got to church on Sunday he looked at me funny, but never said anything.

"So Andrea what is it you needed to see me about?" he asked.

"I'm not really sure any longer Pastor Jim. I thought it was about arrangements for dads funeral, but now I'm thinking what I need most is prayer, and maybe a blessing."

He studied me for a few minutes, thinking of what I said and the prayer he over heard. "I think there are things happening that are well out of our control Andrea. The lord works in ways we can't even begin to understand."

"How about introducing your friend and we can just talk and see if things don't become a little more clear."

I introduced Amanda and we sat on a bench there in the chapel to talk. We covered dad's funeral, and some of the issues I'd been having, when the topic turned to the Bible Amanda stood up and started to leave. "Mandy what's wrong?" I asked.

She turned and looked like she was ready to spit on both of us. "I don't need Bible verses thrown at me about what I'm doing. You think I don't feel guilty enough." She turned to me, "I can't believe you're going to sit here and let this man throw them at you. I'm so sick of hearing how I'm such a bad person just because I want to feel the same outside I do inside."

"We're all sinners," Pastor Jim said. "We all have faults and one of yours seems to be jumping to conclusions. Yes, we were going to go over some Bible verses, but not to condemn anyone, to lift up the spirits. You young lady seem to be hurting a great deal, and I thought maybe the verses I had in mine might help."

She looked at him and turned to me. "Mandy Pastor Jim accepted me a long time ago. He knows the struggle we have because he has faced it too." Where did that come from? How did I know he had faced what Amanda and I faced. I wasn't sure, but I knew I was right.

Amanda looked at Pastor Jim and asked, "you're FtoM?"

He laughed and said no he wasn't FtoM, he was MtoF the same as we were. He had fought it for so long, he even tried to commit suicide because of it. She stood there looking at him, and when he pulled his sleeves up a little she sat back on the bench. Pastor Jim told how he thought he was gay because he wanted to wear womens clothes and saw men as prospective mates. He fought so hard to change the way he saw himself. He tried to talk to his pastor about it, and had so many Bible verses thrown at him he hated God. Why would God make him this way if he loved him? God, the one he had grown up with was perfect, and never made mistakes, right if he didn't make mistakes why was he the way he was, and what about all the babies that were born with something wrong. He went in the military hoping he would change, and become the man everyone said he was, but before long he had bought several outfits to satisfy the desires that came, the desire to be beautiful, to be someone he could believe in, to be the person he was in his dreams.

One day in his room he dressed, and one of his friends came by. He'd forgotten to lock the door as he normally did when he dressed, and his friend walked in just as he was finishing putting on the make-up. His friend stopped and closed the door. They looked at each other, and his friend left never saying a word. The next day he got called to the First Sargent's office and told they were going to inspect his quarters hoping they wouldn't find anything inappropriate. On completion of that inspection he was given the choice of a less than honorable discharge, or if he was willing to get into therapy and get rid of all the clothes he would be discharged honorably on a medical discharge.

He agreed to get into therapy and once there they discharged him, and he couldn't afford the therapy so stopped shortly after. A friend invited him to church several times telling him how cool this pastor was, and how he should really come check it out. After going the first time he went back again and again. This pastor seemed to have the truth and he wanted it, he told us how the desire had vanished with his desire to learn about the God this pastor knew. When everything seemed to be going great he again felt the need to see the girl he saw in his dreams again. He told us he bought a dress and shoes, his hair was such he didn't need a wig, but did need to get it cut a little different. When he dressed and felt like the girl he knew he was, he got in his car and started driving. He didn't know where he was going only that he had to go. As he drove he noticed how he'd driven by the church several times and said if he did so again he would pull in. As he parked in the lot he sat there not knowing what he was going to do. While he sat there the pastor came out and saw him sitting there and came over to see if he needed something.

As the pastor started toward him he opened the door and walked over to the pastor and asked if they could talk. He told us they talked for several hours, the pastor called him one of the two spirited talked about in legend. He broke down and cried and wanted to know what God wanted for him.

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  10. ##  Changes

We talked for well over two hours, when we left Amanda understood better why my faith in God wasn't damaged.

"Andrea I really like your pastor. I really enjoyed talking to him."

I told her we needed to leave in the morning, there wasn't much more I could do until the funeral, and I needed to get back home and take care of some things there. I told her I'd been promoted to the head of my department at work, and we still needed to go to the airport and pick up Kevin as he was going to be teaching the classes I set up, and I still had to give him the details and introduce him to the people he would be working with while he was here.

We stopped at the airport and got there just as Kevin's plane touched down. As we waited for him we talked some more about what Pastor Jim said about why he hadn't transitioned.

As Kevin arrived at the baggage claim I went up to him and introduced myself. "Kevin I've made arrangements for you to stay at the Holiday Inn, and I'll be picking you up in the morning and introducing you to Kathy and Rachel, I've arranged for a rental car for you as well."

He looked at me and said he thought it might be me Jeff meant when he said I would meet him and called me Andrea. "If I didn't know better I'd ask how long you've been dressing and acting like a girl. From the way Jeff talked about you though I don't think I need too."

I looked at him as his bag came down the chute and he grabbed it. "Kevin I really don't mind you asking about that, but it doesn't seem like something that should matter. Since I know everyone is going to start saying things I will tell you Jeff and I do go back a ways. We promised each other our hearts on my sixteenth birthday." I didn't take it any farther than that, I didn't feel he had any reason to know I stopped being Andrea that same night because some guy beat me up. Jeff had gone off to do something and left me there to fend for myself.

"Andrea I have something to take care of that will take about an hour, I hope you'll come with."

"Jeff I'm here with my sister and I really should talk to her before leaving." He said it was important I should talk to Roxie, but he didn't have time to wait, if this thing worked right he would be willing to see I never had to worry about anything ever.

I pulled in at the Holiday Inn, and got him checked in and told him I would be there about eight o'clock in the morning, he gave me a hug and left to find his room. I looked over at Amanda and smiled.

"You've got to be the luckiest girl I have ever met."

I smiled again. We talked on the way out to the car and drive back to moms. When we got back I talked to mom and Roxie about me going back home and coming back for the funeral, I told them I talked to Pastor Jim about the service and when it would be, and had things at home to take care of. Someone else had flown in to take care of the work I started and I needed to get back as I had been promoted to the head of my department. Mom's concern was that when they found out I was Andrea they might not want me until I told her Jeff was one of the owners, and he's the one I had given my heart to.

She asked how it was that if he loved me he hadn't been there to protect me that night when everything came apart.

"Andrea I have something I need to take care of I would love it if you came with."

"Jeff I'm here with Roxie, I at least need to tell her so she doesn't wonder where I went. Go ahead and I'll meet you outside by the flag pole, but I need to tell Roxie first."

"I'll be waiting Andrea, but please don't be long."

"Andrea, glad I caught up with you. I was wondering just who you think you are, I thought you were going with me not that punk Jeff."

"Going with you, why would anyone want to go with you Fred?"

"That isn't what you said on the dance floor, out there you said you loved me."

"Fred I never would have said that. I'm Andy, you know from school, we sit next to each other in math."

He reached for my crotch then hit me. "You sick bastard!" he yelled. "You sick... stay away from me you pervert." He kept hitting me. I was on the ground, how did I get on the ground? He was kicking and hitting me, he wouldn't stop yelling at me. What was he saying? Where was Jeff he said he loves me. Where is he? Why isn't he here protecting me if he loves me. I want... I wan... "You are one sick bastard. You aren't even a girl your nothing but a pervert."

"Andrea we need to get you home, your hurt, we need to get you home."

"You're one sick bastard, you don't deserve to live, carrying on like you're a girl, you're one sick bastard."

"Here! You're right I'm not a girl, I never was. I..." I ran to my room crying, I just wanted to die. "God please just let me die, don't let me be sick anymore. Please just fix me or let me die."

I put my hand over my mouth and cried. He wasn't there because I'd told him I would meet him by the flag pole. How long had he waited by that flag pole not knowing what happened? I cried and just sat there. He thought I rejected him, yet he loved me all this time anyway. He still wanted me after all these years, surely thinking I had left him.

The next morning I picked Kevin up and took him to see Kathy and Rachel and get everything settled. The classes were to start the next day, so I took Kevin to get a rental car and make sure he knew how to find his way around then headed back to mom's to get Amanda.

When we got back home I dropped Amanda at her place and headed for the office, or thought I had. A few minutes later I pulled in the parking lot of the church Ellen and I had attended. I parked where we always parked and just sat there. I don't know how long I sat there thinking of all the times we had been to this church never knowing how they would feel about someone like me. I thought of all the talks I had with the pastor and all the time I'd spent helping out when they needed something.

I opened the door and slid out, as my heels hit the pavement I wondered if this church was somewhere I could continue to give of myself. I entered the sanctuary and walked up to the rail and knelt to pray. I prayed God would make a way for me as he had done all my life, that his grace would be with me now, that I would find acceptance in this church just as I had the church I had grown up in.

I ended the prayer and stood to go see if I could talk to the pastor and he let out a gasp when I turned around. The look on his face told me all I needed to know about whether, or not I would be accepted, so I walked out and got in the car and drove to my office. All the way out to the car I heard him telling me I needed to repent. "Andy God can't accept you if you continue in this. If you walk out like this Andy you condemn yourself. The Bible says that men are not to wear womens clothing, Andy." He went on to start quoting verse after verse saying how I was a pervert worthy only of death. As I got in the car I looked back at him and just said maybe he should try reading Matthew 7:1-6, pulled the door shut and drove off.

"7:1 "Do not judge so that you will not be judged. 7:2 For by the standard you judge you will be judged, and the measure you use will be the measure you receive. 7:3 Why do you see the speck in your brother's eye, but fail to see the beam of wood in your own? 7:4 Or how can you say to your brother, 'Let me remove the speck from your eye,' while there is a beam in your own? 7:5 You hypocrite! First remove the beam from your own eye, and then you can see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye. 7:6 Do not give what is holy to dogs or throw your pearls before pigs; otherwise they will trample them under their feet and turn around and tear you to pieces."

I thought about those verses as I drove. Why had those verses come to mind at that time? Was I trying to say something I didn't mean? Was I guilty of judging unjustly? I wanted to cry, the church I thought to be such a wonderful church. How could I have ever not seen the... I hadn't seen because I had always fit before. I was what they wanted me to be, so there had never been... I needed to cry, I needed to pray that God would forgive me for being so blind. I pulled into a parking lot and turned the car off and started crying, begging Gods forgiveness.

I heard a tapping on my window and ignored it as I continued to cry and pray. The tapping became more insistent so I looked up. The person standing there asked me to roll the window down a little so they could talk to me.

"Are you ok ma'am?" I nodded that I was and they asked why I was crying then.

I told them because I was a sinner and needed Gods forgiveness, that I had stopped because I felt I was going to cry at anytime and I didn't want to be in traffic when the dam broke. He told me we all need Gods forgiveness, but sitting there in the car wasn't a good idea in that neighborhood. If I wanted to pray I should come in where it was safer. I hadn't bothered to look at what kind of place I pulled into, it hadn't mattered to me, I needed a place to get off the road and pray.

I looked up and found I was sitting in the parking lot of a small church and I guessed the man talking to me was the pastor. I rolled the window back up and opened the door, he offered his hand so I took it and got out of the car.

As I stepped out of the car there was a group of teenagers walking by, the man asked them to please keep an eye on my car so nothing happened to it, he also mentioned that if anything did happen to it, he knew who to come to. The kids all agreed and he walked me into the church.

"Those kids are all good kids for the most part," he said. "You want to talk or would you rather just pray?"

I looked over at him and realized he wasn't much more than a kid himself. "Names might be nice," I said. "I'm Andrea and you would be?"

He introduced himself as the pastor of the church and said his name was Michael. He told me he had grown up in this neighborhood and when he was ordained he felt he owed it to the people in the neighborhood to come back as they had pitched in to see he was able to go to seminary and become a pastor. He asked what had brought on the tears and sat there patiently as I thought whether, or not I wanted to tell him. When I didn't say anything he said he was only curious and if I didn't feel up to talking it was ok. He stood up to leave me so I could pray and I stopped him.

"I'm not what I look like," I said. He looked at me and asked what I meant. "I'm not rich or anything like that," I went on to say. "I guess compared to the people in this area I might be considered rich, but I don't have a lot of extras."

He sat back down and took my hand in his.

"Andrea I love you, I have something I need to go do, and would love it if you came with." Jeff said holding my hand.

"Jeff I'm here with Roxie, I really should let her know if I'm leaving so she doesn't worry."

"I'll be waiting by the flag pole, please don't be long."

I looked over at Michael and asked him how his church felt about transsexuals. He scratched his chin and asked why I wanted to know. "Michael I'm a transsexual," I said. "I just stopped at the church I use to go to and got run off by the pastor, someone I thought was my friend." He smiled at me as I told my story. When I finished he asked if I needed a new church.

"Andrea you will always be welcome here," Pastor Jim said. "I know the trials you face because I've faced them." I asked him questions about how he could have any idea what I was going through. If he knew, why was he a man not a woman?

"Andrea not everyone who goes through this becomes what they know themselves to be. Some like me remain to offer what ever help we can to others like you who do need to be who they are." He went on to say he hadn't done anything to change his outward appearance not because it was wrong as much as because he felt for him it was wrong, he told me he felt that in this life he was who he should be for what God wanted of him.

I smiled and told him. "Yes, Michael I really could use a new church here, one that can accept me not for what I am, but for who I am. Most of my life I lived trying to prove to everyone I am what they thought I was, I can't do that anymore, I can only be who I know I am."

"Ma'am here we accept anyone who loves God. We do what we can to insure everyone knows what the word of God says. There are times I'm sure we make mistakes in how we understand the Bible, but we do our best and if we make a mistake we correct it and move on encouraging others along the way."

We talked for what seemed hours and when I got home I took a shower, by the time I finally got to bed I had time for about four hours of sleep then needed to be up dressed and ready to head out for the office. After laying in bed for what seemed five minutes I got up and made a pot of coffee knowing it was going to be a long day with no sleep. I sat there drinking what I thought was a couple cups thinking over the personnel in my department and who was best suited to what. When I heard my alarm go off after what seemed like ten minutes I went to pour another cup of coffee and found the pot empty.

I got dressed and headed for the office figuring on getting things set up so when everyone else got in I could get them set on what I expected and spend some time taking care of what ever messes Rudy left. As I pulled in the parking lot I parked in the same parking stall I park in for years and headed for the building, I noticed Jeff's car was already there and wondered just how long he had been there, or if he really was there yet. The only way to my office was by his and I was determined I wasn't trying to avoid him, but wished there were another way besides past his office, I just wasn't ready to talk to him yet about anything but business.

As I approached the door to his office I heard some movement inside and froze, I thought about all the things he might say and steeled myself. As I took the next couple steps I saw his door was closed so hurried past as quickly as I could. I got to my office and turned the knob pushing the door open.

"Hello beautiful, it's been a long time." I heard him say behind me, I didn't turn, I didn't anything just stood there frozen knowing he was going to ask me to turn or something. When he didn't say anything more I set the stop on the door and walked over to my desk and sat down. I got everything setup how I wanted it when the other members of my office got there and started wondering if Jeff was going to say anything more or not. I sat there for several minutes and wondered if I had really heard what I thought I had, did he even know I was here?

Once I had everything ready I made coffee and went back to Jeff's office. As I approached the door opened and the janitor came out. "He would like to see you ma'am," he said as I past.

I knocked on the door and opened it. "You wanted to see me," I said and winked at him.

"Come on in Andrea and please close the door." that wasn't Jeff's voice.

"I..." as I started to say something Adam leaned around the back of the chair he sat in. "Adam I didn't see your car... hello." I walked in closing the door behind me and took the chair next to the one Adam sat in. Jeff looked up and smiled

"It's been a while," he smiled again. "Andrea, Adam and I were talking about how hard you work around here. Is everything set up in your office to take over there?"

I looked at him wondering if I dared say I didn't want the job, but I did wanted the job, I felt I was the best qualified and I knew all the jobs we had going because I had been the one Jeff confided in about what we had coming up. "I... what is this about? Jeff I thought I might catch you alone before the others in my office get here. Nothing personal Adam but I..."

Jeff and Adam smiled at me and Adam said he took no offense but hoped whatever I wanted to talk to Jeff about alone could wait until some other time.

"Now that the three of us are here how about we get this meeting going," Jeff said. "Andrea, Adam and I are thinking of making you a full partner. You know more about your department then both of us combined, and I think you can see things we can't."

Adam shook his head and added the way the company was growing it might not be a bad idea to look at bringing in a couple other top people, but for now I was the most qualified as I knew the development end better than anyone else in the company. "Andrea over the years your ideas have made this company more than either Jeff or I could have hoped for, so offering you a full partnership in the company seems only right."

I was the biggest contributor to the company? How could that be? I tried to comprehend what they said, but it didn't make any sense.

"Andrea what ever you do I know it will be what needs to be done," Jeff said. I looked into the situation because I was dedicated to Jeff not the company, wasn't I?

I... "Andy I heard you were going to Boston for vacation, one of our customers in the area is having a problem and we were hoping you might be willing to stop in and see what the problem is and if there is something you can do to fix it."

"Sure Adam I'll do what I can," I said. When we got there Ellen was so upset because I made that promise. I checked with the company in question and made my report back to Adam and we got an extra week out of it plus I got a bonus that no one else had. Did I know they would do that before? No, and I never asked, then, or any other time something like that happened. They asked if I would look in so I did, I didn't need anything extra, I loved my job and it didn't seem that big an inconvenience to look in on those companies and report back what ever it was I found. Not once had I done more than find out what the problem was and report back and give what I thought a workable solution was and go about my vacation.

"Andrea you seem quiet is there something we've missed? Something you're aware of that we aren't?" Jeff asked.

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  11. ##  Surprises

I looked at the clock hoping this wasn't just a dream, and knowing I needed to give an answer. I still didn't believe I was qualified to be a partner in the company, but the doors it would open for me in being able to make the kind of changes I thought needed to be made... "Andrea the only people in this company with the power to hire and fire are the owners!" I would have that power if this...

"Adam, Jeff, I don't know what to say. You know I have to leave in a couple days again to be at my fathers funeral, can this wait at least until I get back from that?"

They said they hoped I would be willing to give them a yes or no. "If you feel you need to take time to adjust we do understand," Adam said.

I didn't need time to give them an answer I knew the answer I just felt they needed to rethink the offer they were making a little better. "I can give you that answer right now if you really want it, but I thought in light of the changes I'm making, and everything, you might want to rethink this."

Adam smiled at me and said he'd thought on it long enough, as far as he was concerned he wanted to make the offer three years ago. Jeff reached over his desk and took my hands in his. "Adam and I discussed this three years ago and hoped one day you would again be yourself so we could make this offer, and now we have. Everyone of the people you work with have said you're the best, and you were the only person in house they would feel comfortable running your department, while you still weren't the head of the department, you were still the one they all went to if they had a problem."

I thought back over the last few years of how it seemed even Rudy came to me for solutions when there were problems. Oh he wanted to get rid of me, but if he needed something it was always me he came to first. The reaction I got when I picked Kevin up at the airport... I looked at the clock again and saw how close it was to time everyone would be getting there and asked if I could have the remainder of the day to think about things before giving an answer.

They agreed saying they wanted my answer before I left that night, but even if the answer was no for now, the offer was there when I felt ready to accept. I stood and thanked them for thinking so highly of me. Adam gave me a hug and kiss on the cheek saying he knew things would be tough for a while, but he was sure everything would be for the best for everyone. Jeff walked around his desk and gave me a hug from behind, whispering how much he loved me, kissing my neck. "Andrea I'm glad to see you back, I wish things could have been different all those years ago, but I'm glad you're here now."

I turned in his arms and looked in his eyes. I looked for what seemed an eternity knowing that anything he wanted was his, he only had to ask. How long I had wanted to feel his arms around me like this again, and denied not only myself, but him as well. I tilted my head and placed my lips on his and kissed him. His hand came up supporting my head and I melted in his embrace. As the kiss ended I looked in his eyes again and just said yes. Yes, I would accept the offer. Yes I would be his girlfriend. Yes when my transition was complete I would even be his wife if that was what he wanted.

I went back over to my office and found everyone sitting around as though they didn't have anything to do. As I got through the door I shut it loudly enough everyone jumped and looked up. "Hello!" I said. "I'm Andrea and it was my understanding this office is the best this company has to offer. I would swear the clock started fifteen minutes ago, yet I don't see anyone doing anything, can someone tell me why that is?"

They all looked at me and turned to their computers as though they had been busy when I walked in. "I see so now that I'm here it's ok to work, but when I'm off taking care of other things we pay you to play games rather than work on the tasks that were supposed to be out a month ago?" I put my hand on my hip and just looked at them. "You all know me, or at least you know who I am. I believe there will be a few changes in who's working on what, so I'll be meeting with each of you over the next couple hours to go over just what it is I expect from you, and what you can expect from me. Michael I want to see you and your team in my office."

As they came in I asked them to please close the door and started going over what they were working on. As we got into it I asked Michael to get Jane and Gwen and tell them to join us in the conference while I dismissed Rene and Annie. Once everyone was settled I started by telling them Michael was the head developer on this project and it was him I wanted to hear the progress reports from. Once I was finished with them I called in the next group and did much the same only this time putting Rene in change. The next group was really not a group but consisted of Annie and Rebecca and I put them as over seers of everything going on. Jeff came in just as I was finishing up and dropped the bomb that I wasn't just a lead, but was in fact a co-owner of the company, with all the rights that afforded me. He went on to say I was the one in charge of not only this department, but the sales department as well and whatever I said was the same as if he or Adam said it.

As he finished he turned to me and I asked him to come in my office so we could talk. "Could you please close the door Jeff? I wish you would have given them time to get use to me being their lead before dropping that in their lap."

"So tell me Andrea is it them, or yourself you don't trust?"

I looked at him and smiled, God how had I been so foolish as to not know the depth of his love for me, it was there in everything he did and said. "So how many ways did you take that yes Jeff?"

He smiled back at me and chuckled, then admitted he had assumed it was only for the partnership. When I told him it had several meanings he chuckled again and asked if I was going to tell him just how many meanings it had and what they were. I winked and said he would have to just be patient and hope he could figure them out when the time came.

When lunch time came he took me out to lunch, and we talked all through the meal, he wanted to know when I wanted to talk to the sales department and get things there straightened around the way I wanted them as he was sure I had some ideas of how to improve that department as well. After lunch I told him I needed the afternoon to arrange getting into therapy so I could start the transition fully.

I called Amanda when we got back to the office and asked if she could give me a reference to a therapist who could assist in transition. I knew I could have called Leon and made an appointment, but... She gave me the name of her therapist. When I called they said they had an opening that afternoon if I could make it they were sure I would be pleased working with them.

"Hello I'm Andrea I called earlier about talking to Joan."

The gal at the desk raised her eyebrow and asked if I had insurance. When I said I would be paying as I went she raised her eyebrow again. About ten minutes later Joan came out and said she was ready to see me.

"Hello Andrea, so you think you're a man I take it," she said.

I giggled and told her no I knew I was a woman not a man, and hoped she would be willing to help me achieve that end. She looked at me rather puzzled and asked what kind of joke I was playing as she was sure I already was a woman. We talked for an hour and she said she really wanted to talk longer so called out to see if her next appointment had shown up yet. I guessed they'd canceled so we talked for another hour. We covered how I had been Andrea until my sixteenth birthday and why it was I stopped being Andrea that day. She asked me how long I had been dressing again and when I told her it had been less than a week she whistled softly.

"Andrea I've had girls who have dressed full-time for years and still had difficulty passing and likely never would pass fully. Then you come in and I was sure you were going the other way, never have I met anyone who passes so well who started transition so late in their life. Have you ever been on hormones?"

I told her I had never done anything, but be a girl when I was younger and since the time I stopped, I hadn't done anything to try being a girl. Yes, I had dressed as a girl for Halloween a few times, but I didn't try to be a girl during those times, it was merely a costume and I hadn't even remembered I tried to be a girl until Connie and Amanda dressed me a few days ago.

By the end of the second hour she gave me a referral letter to a doctor saying I might want to get started on hormones as they would be a great place to start and as far as she was concerned I was already a woman and I might think about getting my name changed to reflect that. She said when I was ready to do that to let her know and she would give me all the help she could in making sure the gender marker on my driver license was changed to reflect my true gender as well.

She said she would like to meet once a week for the next while to help me work through the memories that had been haunting me for the last week, and help get me grounded so something like what happened before wouldn't happen again.

As I left I stopped at the front desk and paid the bill for the time I had been with Joan, then headed back to the office feeling more comfortable about who I was. Once back at the office I pulled the files for the people in sales and headed for my office.

As I sat there going over the personnel files of the sales department Michael knocked on the door and came in.

"Busy?" he asked.

I looked up at him and smiled. "How are the new teams working out?" I asked.

"Andrea I doubted you this morning when you changed everything, I was sure you didn't have a clue what you were doing." I looked at him and he went on. "Now however I wonder just how much you know about all of us, and our abilities. We've made more progress in the few hours since those changes than we made in the last month, it's as though you have everyone working on what they know best. I think you'll find we have a product that is beyond what anyone thought was possible."

I looked through some papers on my desk and pulled one out and handed it to him. "Michael I want him back, you were his best friend here I hope you'll be willing to talk to him and let him know there's a ten percent increase over what he was making when Rudy fired him."

Michael looked at the paper and back at me. "Tell me Andrea, was he really fired? I know Rudy threatened to fire you more times than I can count, but somehow he never did."

"Rudy never had the power to fire anyone. Do you remember the time he fired me and as I was cleaning out my desk? Adam came up and asked what I was doing?"He nodded he remembered. "I thought I was done here, it wasn't until Jeff sent Kevin to take my place I found out the truth.

Michael I have to be back there Friday for my fathers funeral and I need you to take over here for me while I'm gone, I hope to see Allen when I get back, and Michael I want him on your team he has the know how to make some of the changes needed to make it work better and faster."

When he left the head of the sales department came in wanting to know what kind of changes I had in mind for them. I still hadn't had time to go over the files yet, so told him for now there weren't going to be any changes, and until I had a chance to go over everything there wouldn't be any. I asked him if there was anything he felt needed to be changed and we talk over how that department worked and what things he thought might make it better.

By the time the clock said it was time to go home I still had stacks of papers on my desk to go through and felt like I was never going to see the top of my desk again. I looked over the personnel files for the sales department and felt that all the people there were in the right positions for their skills and qualifications, but felt there needed to be something so I wouldn't have to approve everything in either department. As I read the files on the head of the sales department I decided giving him and Michael the power to hire and fire would be one way of showing my trust in them, but I reserved the right to counter those decisions if I felt they were hiring or firing on grounds of self interest. I also looked at what it would take to combine the sales and shipping departments.

As I was finishing the personnel files Jeff popped in and asked if I wanted to go get something to eat. "You going to save anything for tomorrow, or try getting everything done today?"

I looked up and stuck my tongue out at him. "You could have waited to let the sales department know until after I got back from dads funeral."

"What fun would that have been. Andrea I was hoping we could go together, I did like you dad."

"He told you what happened didn't he?"

"No! I don't think he knew what happened. I did talk to him about how I felt. He told me it might be a long wait before I would ever get the chance again to show you my love, but if I was willing to wait he knew one day I would get that chance. I waited by the flag pole until I missed my appointment. I wanted to be mad at you but couldn't, I knew you wouldn't have left me like that without a good reason. When I got back inside and heard what happened I went looking for Fred, guess it was a good thing I didn't find him, or he probably would have beat me up too."

"You've known all this time what happened and... Jeff why didn't you say something?"

"I didn't want you to feel like I had abandoned you. Andrea I never stopped loving you. I've waited all this time hoping your father was right, that if I was there when the time came... Andrea I..."

"Is this because of your love for me Jeff?"

"No this is because of your dedication to the company. Andrea, Adam is the one who came up with the idea, I agreed, but he's the senior partner."

"Tell me, is he the one Ellen's seeing now?"

As the words came out I knew the answer. Ellen and Adam had been seeing each other even before the divorce was filed and I knew that too. I got up and asked if Adam was still there, when Jeff refused to say. I went to his office.

"Adam are you seeing Ellen?"

He looked up and shook his head. "Andrea, Ellen told me about the stories your father told her about you. When Jeff told me why he never married it didn't take much to put it all together and come up with you being Andrea. Everything fit."

"You knew the day of the company party when you told her I would be hard to replace didn't you?"

He smiled and said he hadn't, that when he said that he felt he was being honest because he knew the dedication I had shown for the company and he felt I had the same dedication for her. I thought about that as I watched him I knew he was saying just what he felt, never at anytime had I seen him do anything cold hearted and I wanted to give him the benefit here.

"Did you start seeing her before we were divorced?"

He stopped what he was doing and looked at me giving me his full attention. "Yes I did. She started coming in when you were out-of-town, so I talked to her. She started telling me how you weren't the great prize I thought you were, but she tried to love you anyway. At first it was me being nice and trying to help if I could. She didn't want to cheat on you, as far as I know she never did at least not with me."

"I never would have asked, but I had no idea what happened, and when I told her I was Andrea she said she wished me the best and said she found someone else as well. We both knew our marriage was more a convince then a true marriage when it ended. I really thought we could work it out, but I guess she just didn't have anything left since she knew my heart was someone else's and she knew it wasn't another woman.

I want the best for her, and I hope we're friends. If you can give her what I never could I hope the two of you are happy together and can make it work." I wasn't angry I just needed to know the truth, I really did want the best for both of them, and if that meant they ended up married, great, I would wish them the best for the marriage, I only hoped they could give each other what I couldn't give Ellen.

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  12. ##  The Funeral

I let Ellen know when dads funeral was and Jeff insisted we give everyone in the company the day off since all three owners were going to be gone from the office that day. Adam made it a paid day as he felt everyone should either have the chance to work or be paid for the day. As soon as everyone was gone on Thursday we went and picked up Ellen and headed for the airport.

Ellen had seen me dressed in women clothes, but only for Halloween, and then I wasn't trying to be a woman, only dressing as one to make her happy, because it had been her idea. She said she thought she was ready to see me as Andrea, but when she got in the car she gasped when she saw me.

"Andrea?" she asked.

"Hello Ellen, you seem a bit surprised," I said.

"I thought... I... you look gorgeous! I never would have thought..."

"It's ok Ellen. I guess when I am being the real me I do a better job of dressing and carrying myself."

We talked all the way to the airport, for the first time I think in as long as we knew each other we talk about things that were of interest to both of us. She asked where I had gotten the outfit I was wearing and where I got my nails done. When she found out I did my nails myself she looked at me sideways. And wanted to know if I could do hers too. All the way to the airport we talked like two girlfriends and let Jeff and Adam try to figuring out what we were saying knowing they never would.

Every time I had flown before I was always in coach, but this time was so different, not only did we not fly coach this time we flew a private flight with us the only passengers. When we got to the airport I asked Jeff to tell me the flight number and times so I could have Roxie pick us up and found that we weren't flying commercial but private, and we could call Roxie once we were in the air and let her know or we could just rent a car and drive ourselves.

Once in the air Ellen wanted to talk some more and so her and I sat together and talked away the flight. Just as we were getting ready to land I remembered I still hadn't called Roxie to let her know we were going to rent a car and when we would be in. As we touched down and taxied to the terminal I noticed there was a limousine sitting where we were headed. The airplane stopped just short of the limo and we got off and got in the limo. Adam said something about a motel and I said no they were with me and that meant staying at the house, besides Ellen was my sister now and she was always welcome, besides I knew mom would insist as well since she had the room.

Once we were settled in the limo I called the house and Roxie answered. "Andrea where are you? What time will your flight get in? Are you going to rent a car or do I need to come get you?"

I told her we were already on the ground and we had a ride so we would be there in about fifteen minutes if the traffic was good. When we got to the house Roxie and mom were standing outside waiting for us. As the car came to a stop Jeff opened the door and helped me out then gave Ellen a hand and Adam followed last. Mom and Roxie just stood there looking at us not sure what to think.

I started making introductions knowing they knew both Ellen and Jeff, but introducing them again anyway. Adam and Jeff both kissed moms hand and Jeff gave Roxie a hug. We went in the house and everyone complemented mom on how nice it was and I started showing Adam and Jeff the pictures of everyone. Once we got back into the high school pictures all I could find of me were pictures as Andrea. I wasn't sure what to think, but mom had joined us by then and explained how when Ellen and I got married dad put all those pictures away and when the divorce was final he'd dug them all back out and put the pictures of me as Andy away and hoped he would never have to get them out again. She wasn't even sure were they were any longer and didn't really care as she and dad now had their baby girl back and this time to stay.

Ellen looked at mom and said how sorry she was that Andrea had gone away, but she loved Andy and had always been made to feel like part of the family. She started telling everyone the stories dad told her about Andrea and the way he told her those stories she assumed Andrea was a sister no one but dad ever talked about. She turned to me and said something I didn't know, something both mom and dad told her shortly before she kicked me out of the house.

"Andrea I knew who you were. A couple weeks before I called and told you not to come home again Andy and Beth told me who you were. They told me that on your sixteenth birthday your dad bought you a dress that... oh how did they say it." Mom furnished the description and she went on. "How beautiful you were that day and you and Roxie were looking forward to the dance that night. How you beamed with life and excitement. They even showed me those pictures of you in the dress."

I looked at the pictures again, and yes there I was a girl so full of joy it showed even in the pictures.

"I wanted to love you Andrea, but I knew you couldn't love anyone unless you were Andrea again and that meant I had to get out-of-the-way. I had to give up what I loved most because you couldn't return the love I had for you. I cried so much that day I never thought I would ever be able to love anyone again."

I looked at her and then Adam. Could it be they had only been friends until... Ellen never lied to me in all the time I had known her and I didn't see a lie in this. I wanted to hate her for what she did, but I couldn't, I knew she did what she felt she needed to, I just hadn't had any idea why. Hearing all this I felt like I had been such a fake in trying to be something I wasn't. I wanted to cry, not for me, but for all the people like me who had to fight so hard to be accepted for who they are.

I asked mom if she'd talked to Amanda's mom yet, hoping somehow she had and was able to help her understand Amanda wasn't trying to be anything but what she was, how she needed her mom in her life.

"I tried to call her yesterday, when I started talking to her she wanted to know how I had gotten her number and when I said I was calling to talk to her about Amanda she hung up."

She said she had called back and been told to not call again or the police would be called and she would suffer harassment charges. As we talked the phone rang and I answered.

"Jensen residence, this is Andrea may I help you?"

There was a pause and the person on the other end said they needed to talk to someone about someone named Abraham. I didn't know an Abraham and asked mom if she did. She asked if it was a man or woman, and when I said it was a man her shoulders dropped and she sighed.

I asked the person on the phone who they were and he said he was Abraham's father. I asked what they needed to talk about and they said mom had called and said something about someone named Amanda and she wanted to help them understand that Amanda still loved them and hoped one day they could reconcile the differences about her being a girl.

I said I'd be willing to answer any questions I could, as Amanda and I had a lot in common. I told him Amanda had helped me to remember who I am and she supported me in being who I am inside. I told him I really cared and hoped one day her family could come to accept her the way mine did me.

He asked me if I knew how to contact her and I told him I wasn't sure right at the moment, but I was willing to take his number and when I got home I would be happy to see she got it, but it wouldn't be until Monday I would be able to do so. Mom said she wanted to talk to him so I handed her the phone.

I went back to talking with Roxie, Ellen and the guys while mom talked to Amanda's dad, when she was done she asked me if I could arrange a meeting for Amanda and her father, she was sure if he talked to her in person and saw how beautiful she is he would be more accepting and willing to help her than if they talked only on the phone. She handed me a piece of paper with a phone number on it and I was confused about what she was trying to say, if she wanted me to make arrangements for them to meet in person... I looked at the number and saw the area code was the same as mine. She wanted me to arrange a face to face because Amanda's father lived in the same area I did and it was there I met Amanda.

We went to the church an hour before the funeral and met with Pastor Jim for a family prayer and to go over just what was going to happen during the service. Pastor Jim was going to open the service with prayer with Roxie following telling about her memories of dad. There was to be a hymn, then mom was going to talk about how her life had been made richer by dad, and his constant presence in the house. We were to have another hymn, followed by me telling of my memories of dad after which Jeff was going to give the closing prayer and everyone who wished could then meet at the cemetery. Ellen said she would like to say something so Roxie and mom asked if it was ok if she went in front of me. I looked at everyone and realized I hadn't cried yet and wondered if that meant something I didn't understand.

We gathered in the chapel and once there the doors were opened so everyone could enter following dad's coffin. As the coffin was rolled in front of the alter I felt a tear rolling down my cheek. Once dads coffin was in place they again raised the lid so everyone could see dad laying there in what appeared to be a peaceful slumber. As we waited for the people to take their seats I saw Amanda and Connie come in and sit in the back. I excused myself and went back and asked them to come up and sit with the family as they were the ones who saw through the disguise and helped me to be me again. At first they were reluctant, but when mom and Roxie both joined me they came up front and sat in the second row which was the best we could get them to do.

As the people settled in pastor Jim got up and said today he had seen how God works as to make room for Amanda and Connie some who had thought to sit close to the family were asked to make room for our honored guests. A hush fell on the chapel and he raised his hands and prayed that all who were present would feel the presence of God in our mist. Dad wasn't dead only sleeping and at Christs return would be among those he counted worthy.

Once the tears started coming I didn't seem to be able to stop them and I didn't care to try stopping them.

Roxie got up and told of dad always being so accepting of others, allowing them the freedom to express themselves in a manner worthy of any saint, yet being such a strong presence no one ever spoke inappropriately when he was around. How he cared for and watched over his family doing everything he could to ensure no harm came to any of us. How he kept the memories of our past alive so we grew stronger by learning from our mistakes, yet how he let us make mistakes so we learned how to avoid them in the future.

She told of how dad had always been there when she was afraid, and gave her strength to overcome her fears. How he had instilled in her the values that saw she found a good man who would like dad love and protect her. She told how dad grilled every boy she dated before they were allowed to take her out, and when she found her husband dad had been so welcoming of him though she knew it was very difficult for him to let her go.

The hymn that followed Roxie was one of dads favorites. "They Will Know We Are Christians by Our Love".

Mom let Ellen go next, she didn't know what she would say, but she wasn't ready to hold herself together enough to say much so Ellen was to give her a few more minutes.

Ellen looked out over those gathered and started telling the stories' dad told her, stories about dad's baby that until recently it seemed no one but dad was willing to talk about. She thanked both mom and dad for those stories as they gave her an understanding she couldn't have had otherwise. As she finished speaking I looked over at mom and realized she was still in no shape to say anything and asked her if she would rather I go first.

"Andrea I wish I could say yes, but I can't. I'll manage to say what I have to say, but will you and Roxie please come up with me?"

Roxie and I both stood up and walked to the podium with her, we each took an arm and gave her our assurance that we were here for her and we would be here for her as long as she needed us. She started by saying how proud she was of the two children dad had given her, how they both shared his dedication to helping others in whatever way they could. How he had done all he could to ensure that Roxie and I had the best he had to give.

She went on to tell how he had always been able to see not as most did, but he could see what was in the heart, he had accepted the challenges of raising a child who most never understood including her. Dad had given all of us the freedom to express ourselves how we felt most comfortable.

She turned to Roxie, "Roxie he was always so proud of you and the way you helped at home, how you always watched out for Andrea and rarely complained about helping in the kitchen."

She turned to me, "Andrea he taught me how to love in ways I never thought possible. For so much of your younger years I questioned how you wanted to express yourself, I saw you as trying to be something you couldn't possibly be, and I wanted you to see that you had a value you hadn't shown. I never knew how it was me who was wrong until he explained to me that how you behaved was no different than how Roxie myself and your father behaved. For so much of your young life we fought over who you were. When I finally accepted that it was me who was wrong everything changed, I didn't know why, but I missed my baby when you tried to be what everyone else thought you should be rather than just being yourself."

She went on to tell how dad opened her eyes to so many things she was so sure were wrong, only to find she was making judgments based on faulty information from years of being told that the Bible said thou shalt not. How it was dad who made her look for passages stating her beliefs and when she couldn't find anything he would gently help her understand it didn't say anything because it wasn't there. She told how her love for dad grew stronger every day because he had proven himself someone who could be trusted in every word he said, every action he preformed. How she learned to love because he had loved her. She said a little prayer and Roxie and I walked her back to her seat.

The choir sang another of dad's favorite songs followed by everyone singing "Amazing Grace".

As I walked up to the podium I realized I had tears running down my cheeks and I took a tissue from the box and just held it. As I looked out over those sitting there showing their respect for dad and the family, I thought of all the times dad told me if I was a girl, I should be the best girl I could.

"You are all here today to pay your final respects to a man who had more compassion than any man I have ever know. Dad was one of a kind, a man who knew who he was and never intentionally tried to mislead anyone in any way. How long I tried to be that kind of man. I want to tell you all a story that happened several years ago, a story about a young girl and her father. This story is true I know because I was there, I was that young girl."

"It was about a week before my sixteenth birthday and dad was home with Roxie and I, mom was off doing something, I don't remember what, but I do know it was something she had done several times. Dad wanted to take me shopping for a birthday present, so Roxie dad and I got in dad's car and just as we left we saw mom turn onto the street, I knew dad had seen her too, but he just kept on as though he hadn't. I thought at the time it was because of the problems' mom and I had for so long, I don't think that's the reason any longer, I could be wrong, but I don't think so."

"The night before my birthday dad gave me the dress and shoes we bought that day and told me how much he wanted me to enjoy my sixteenth birthday. When I came in the kitchen that morning it was as if everything had changed. As I entered the kitchen mom complimented me on how I looked and asked if there was anything special I wanted for breakfast. I looked at what she had been fixing for Roxie and dad and smiled she knew it was my favorite. I wanted to ask her if she was ok because she hadn't said anything about how I was dressed, and she never approved of me dressing the way I was. After all I was her baby boy, and boys didn't wear dresses and heels."

"As we were finishing breakfast Roxie said something about a dance that night and how great it would be to make my first full day as me an event to remember for a lifetime. Mom fixed my favorite for dinner that night and made the kind of cake I liked best as well. Once dinner was over Roxie said if we were going to the dance we needed to leave and mom and dad gave us a hug and asked that we not stay out too late."

"We got to the dance and there were so many of the kids I went to school with milling around in the parking lot I started to panic. Before we even got out of the car I told Roxie I wasn't ready to be me just yet. She told me if I didn't do it now when both mom and dad seemed to approve, I might as well quit fighting with mom trying to convince her I was her baby girl. I thought about what happened that day, how mom and I hadn't fought, how mom seemed ok with me being a girl. I wanted to know if she finally accepted me for who I knew I was instead of me having to be what others thought I should be."

"I agreed that if I was going to be me with mom approving now was the time. As we started in to the dance Roxie said I had to dance at least once before we could leave. As we walked in I saw several of the boys from my classes and wanted to leave, this wasn't supposed to be how it was, these guys all told me they weren't going to be at the dance that night so why were they there. Because of the promise I didn't insist we couldn't stay instead I headed for the restroom and found myself expunging my dinner into the toilet. As I emptied my stomach I thought of all the times dad had smiled at me and told me I was ok no matter who I was, how he just wanted me to be me and whoever that was he would love me."

"As I emerged Fred one of the boys I knew from math was standing there and asked if I would dance with him. I wanted to turn around and go expunge myself of breakfast and dinner the night before. He took my hand and lead me out on the dance floor, this guy was about twice my size and one of the bullies. How could this be happening. At the end of the dance he tried to kiss me and I told him I never kissed on a first dance. He stomped off leaving me on the dance floor as though I said or did something wrong. As I found my way off the dance floor I remembered dad telling Roxie how it was wrong to let boys try taking privileges they shouldn't have. When I heard this I asked what kind of privileges he meant, and he explained that if a boy wanted a kiss it was up to us whether, or not they got one. If we felt that kissing them was wrong we should stand by our guns and not let them have a kiss."

"When I reached the edge of the dance floor another guy grabbed my hand and took me back out on the dance floor. Again they wanted a kiss I didn't feel I could give and again I got left on the dance floor. The same thing happened a couple more times before I was able to see them coming and duck away. These guys all knew me, but not as Andrea. The me they knew was Andy from their classes, if they found out who I was at school there was no telling the kind of trouble I would have. I made my way over to the punch bowl and got a cup of punch giving me an excuse to not dance, and watched for Roxie to let her know I had met her condition, and I wanted to leave, and the sooner the better. As she came by dragging Bruce with her she asked how I was holding up and took off again. I looked at my punch cup and saw it was empty, as I stood up to go refill it I was again asked to dance, he took the cup from my hand and said the choice was mine, but he really did want to talk to me as he had something important he wanted to say and dancing was the safest to keep anyone else from hearing what we talked about. When I didn't pull away he lead me back out on the dance floor and tossed my empty cup in the trash as we entered the dance floor."

"Once we were on the dance floor to a slow dance he whispered in my ear that he knew who I was and didn't care. He had been watching me since I arrived and hoped he would get the chance to talk to me. When he said he knew who I was I stiffened out of fear, but he assured me he wouldn't tell anyone, or he would have done so a long time ago. I thought back and still couldn't place him from anywhere but school, and he wasn't someone I hung around with there. He went on to explain how he had been visiting his grandmother a few weeks ago and she went to the same church I did and he had seen me there. He went on to tell how he developed a crush on me and talked to his grandmother about me finding out I was a boy who wanted to be a girl and the pastor seemed to think there was nothing wrong with it. He talked to pastor Jim later and found out being transsexual wasn't a sin, I was a girl in the wrong body, and as far as he was concerned I was a girl fully. I looked in his eyes the whole time he told me this and when he finished I kissed him. We danced again and talked some more about what I was. When the dance ended he said he had to leave and hoped I would come with, I told him I needed to talk to Roxie before going anywhere. He said he would wait for me at the flag pole, but hoped I would hurry."

"Before I made it to Roxie, Fred the guy that asked me to dance first grabbed my hand and said he wanted me to be his girlfriend. I pulled my hand away and told him to get lost I didn't date boys who thought they were better than anyone else. He grabbed me again and when I tried to pull away he grabbed tighter and started hurting me. I told him he didn't want me because I was Andy from his math class and he laughed and grabbed for my crotch. His hand no more than touched me and he hit me saying he was going to kill me for lying to him and all the other guys there. The next thing I remember was Roxie helping me to my feet and saying we needed to leave. I was hurt and she just wanted to get me home."

"When we got home I ran to my room and took the dress off and pulled on a pair of jeans and a tee shirt. I threw the dress at mom and told her she should be happy now, I tried to be who I thought I was and she had been right I wasn't a girl after all. I ran back to my room and locked the door, dad tried to come talk to me, but I just lay on my bed crying. I wanted to be a girl so badly and now... dad talked to me the next day and said if I wanted to be a girl I should be, but if that was what I wanted it would be a hard road as most people wouldn't accept me as anything but a boy, because they thought I was calling God a liar otherwise. The next day dad took me shopping alone, he wanted to know what was going on and he wanted to hear it from me. As I explained what happened he scratched his chin and didn't have an answer for me other than to say what I did was my choice and he loved me as either Andy or Andrea."

I didn't know what to do, I didn't want to be Andy, but I didn't want to get beat up again either, and as Andrea I felt so defenseless. When I told him he again said the choice was mine and he would support me either way. I never told him about Jeff, I think I forgot all about him when Roxie took me home between having been beaten up and the indignation that was shown by the chaperon who said he would call the cops on me if we didn't leave right then, as he had seen me go in the girl's restroom when we arrived. I told dad that for now it would be best if I was Andy and he nodded and said it would likely be easier, but not necessarily better. He told me he hoped one day his little Andrea would again come back, but for now if I was sure, then yes, it was Andy I should be."

"Jeff told me last night that he talked to dad, he told me dad told him if he really loved me as he said he did he needed to be patient and one day I would be back and he would again have a chance of winning my love if he could prove he really did love me as he said. This morning at the breakfast table I looked into Jeff's eyes and I saw the same thing I had seen so many years ago, I saw something for me I had only ever seen in one other mans eyes. I saw love and admiration, not just any love, but an unconditional love, a love that made no demands, but gave fully of self." I looked over my shoulder and smiled as I saw Jeff sitting there listening to ever word I said as though nothing was more important than me at that moment. "I love you Jeff, I never stopped loving you."

I looked back and my eyes fell on the coffin sitting right below where I was standing. As I looked I was sure I saw a smile come on dads face and the tears started all over again. "The last thing any of us heard from dad was that he was complete as his girls were all there and he couldn't have been happier then he was seeing all three of us standing there wanting our rock to get well so he could protect and care for us again. Daddy I'm so glad that I remembered who I am in time for you to know I believe again. You carried the memory of who I am for me for so long and I know it was a burden you shouldn't have ever had to bear. I can only imagine how hard it was for you and mom to watch me all those years knowing who I was and not trying to force me into making a decision I wasn't ready to make." I looked back at mom and all I could do was mouth the words thank you. I turned back to the congregation and just stood there looking at dad.

The choir sang the final hymn and Jeff came up and took my hand in his and closed the service with prayer, I stood there looking at dad and don't remember anything, but how dad smiled at me, his baby girl. They closed the lid on the coffin for the last time and wheeled it out to the hearse and I stood there watching as it went, not seeing a closed coffin, but my dad smiling at me letting me know he loved me unconditionally. Once the doors were again closed mom Roxie and Ellen joined Jeff and I. Ellen said we should go as everyone was waiting for us to lead the way to the cemetery, and we all stood there not moving or saying anything.

I finally moved and everyone said we should go. Jeff walked me out to the limousine and took my hand to help me get in. He went and helped mom and Roxie while Adam helped Ellen. Once Jeff was seated next to me in the car he looked at me and thanked me for being me. I started crying harder, he put his arm around me and gently hugged me as the tears came unrestrained. As we entered the gates at the cemetery the tears started to ease and he told me he loved me so much. I kissed him and thanked him for waiting for me so long. I wasn't sure if I had been him I could have been so patient, yet he waited and watched over me all those years knowing one day he might again have the chance to show me his love.

The ceremony at the grave site was small with Pastor Jim giving a prayer and the coffin was lowered and the vault lid put in place. Mom Roxie and I all took a handful of dirt and sprinkled it on the vault. As the dirt fell from my fingers I prayed telling dad how much I loved him and thanking him for giving Jeff his blessing to have my hand in marriage one day. As the last of the dirt fell I felt Jeff take my hand and put his arm around my shoulders. I turned into him and started crying all over again, and he just stood there holding me. As the tears slowed he tilted my head up and kissed me, holding me tight.

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  13. ##  Things Left Behind

When we got back to the house Adam and Ellen said they needed to get back home so Jeff and I drove them to the airport and saw them off. On the way back to the house Jeff stopped at a burger place and asked if I was hungry. I told him mom and Roxie were going to have breakfast ready for us when we got back and he stared at me as though I had missed something.

"Andrea, what will it take for me to prove myself to you?" he asked.

I looked over at him and took his hand in mine and placed my other hand on top. "Jeff you don't have to prove anything to me, I know how long you've waited for me, and I love you, not for that, but because I feel we were meant to be together a long time ago."

He seemed to be confused by my response and trying to figure out just what to do next. I smiled at him and asked him to take us back to moms. When we got back to moms, mom and Roxie did have breakfast ready for us as I said they would. Once breakfast was over Jeff asked me to help him with the dishes, saying he would wash if I dried and put them in the cupboard. He watched me as I put the dishes in the cupboards and drawers.

"What do you want in a house?" he asked from out of nowhere.

I thought about it as I finished up drying the dishes and putting them away, as I put the last dish in the cupboard I turned to him and started telling him I wanted a house much like moms. It didn't seem to big, but had plenty of room a large kitchen was a must because I loved to cook and when the fruit was in season I wanted to do some canning. I told him I needed room for mom now that dad was gone. I didn't want her to be alone and I knew Roxie didn't have room because every time one kid moved out another moved back and brought three or four new family members with them. I thought about the house I had with Ellen and found there really wasn't much I remembered about it, I lived in that house for fifteen years and couldn't really remember much about it.

The day we bought that house Ellen was so excited it was everything she wanted and I hadn't really cared. I didn't care about cooking when I was trying to be a man, though I loved to cook now that I was being myself, so the kitchen layout didn't matter to me back then. That it had an office and big garage were the only things I really remembered as that was where I spent all my time at home. What did I do out in the garage? I had all those tools and didn't even remember using any of them now that I thought about it.

I looked at Jeff and asked if he knew anything about cars or wood working, I had all those tools and what was I going to do with them now? I wasn't very mechanical I never had been, so why did I need 3 full socket sets and three big roll away tool boxes full of who knew what other tools I had no use for?

Jeff chuckled at me and said something to the effect he had always wanted to learn mechanics, but never had, he said he did know a little about wood working, his father had been a carpenter and wanted his kids to always have something to fall back on if they ever needed. As he told me how he loved working with wood he put his arms around me holding me in the same manner I had seen dad hold mom when they talked. I turned in his arms and kissed him putting my arms around his neck holding him close.

Roxie walked in as we were kissing. "Sis if you want to be alone why didn't you go to your room instead of the kitchen?"

Jeff broke the kiss turning as red as I have ever seen anyone turn, and I just stuck my tongue out at her, and asked how often her and Bruce kissed in the kitchen when they did dishes or whatever.

She didn't answer me, but did ask what our plans were for the day, she was hoping maybe we could all go shopping or something.

Mom came in looking worn, but in better shape than I felt. She pulled out a chair and asked me the same question Roxie just asked. I told her our plans were to take her and Roxie shopping and buy them what ever they wanted. Mom sat down in a chair so Roxie, Jeff and I pulled up chairs as well.

"Mom the stores just opened and I'm sure the crowds will be hectic for a couple hours so shopping can wait for now. What I want to know is what you plan to do now that dad is gone. I don't think it's a good idea for you to be alone."

Roxie agreed with me that mom shouldn't be alone, but she didn't have room and didn't feel that a nursing home was needed.

I looked at Roxie when she mentioned a nursing home. This was our mother and we could take care of her better than strangers could. I looked at mom and asked what she planned again.

We all sat there talking when mom asked if she should consider Jeff to be a part of the family. Roxie put her chin in her hands waiting to hear how I answered this one and mom leaned back crossing her arms under her breasts. I looked at Jeff and then mom, was Jeff part of the family now? I didn't know what to say he hadn't asked me to be his girlfriend yet let alone his wife. I looked back at Jeff and put my hand on his. "Umm... we... mom Jeff hasn't even asked me to be his girlfriend. So I guess he's the one who should answer this not me. I did give him my answer to being his girlfriend even to being more than just a girlfriend, but that will have to wait until I'm a girl in more than just my heart.

Jeff looked at me again with I believe new eyes. Had I really said what he thought I had? He thought back to the funeral and the words I said there, and reached out and took my hand and asked if I was sure I meant those words. He asked me to repeat what I said not entirely sure he'd heard right, but afraid he might have.

"Who is it you don't trust here Jeff, yourself, or me?" I asked him.

It was getting on to the time the crowds in the stores would be evening out and I suggested we get going or we would be fighting through the evening crowds. Jeff wanted to know if I was going to answer him about telling him what I said or not. Mom came to my defense and told him to think and surely he would understand that asking a woman to repeat herself was something a wise man never did, and a man who loved a woman heard every word she said and needn't ever ask her to repeat herself. She told about how she never had to tell dad anything more than once because he loved her so much he made sure he heard the first time every time.

When we got to the mall Jeff said he wanted to be alone for a little while and he would find us when he finished the business he needed to take care of. Mom and Roxie both said he was going to head for one of the jewelry stories and if he didn't find the right ring there he would head to another until he found what he thought would be appropriate for someone he loved. I giggled and agreed with them, but wanted to let him have the time to look on his own, I wanted to keep track of him so I could at least make it easy for him to find us when he was ready.

I took mom and Roxie into one of the bigger stores that handled nice womens clothes and when they were busy I talked to one of the clerks and ask them tell mom and Roxie I had to go to the restroom if they asked and would be back shortly. I went and found Jeff looking not at rings, or at least not wedding rings, but looking at bracelets, necklaces, and friendship rings. I saw some of what was on the counter and giggled.

"Kind of fancy if you ask me," I said.

He turned looking at me and smiled. "I wanted it to be a surprise, but I have no idea what size you wear and I didn't like any of the bracelets and necklaces they have."

I looked at the ring he had and slipped it on my right finger. "Does this mean I'm your girlfriend?" I winked at him.

"I was kind of hoping it could mean that," he said.

He paid for the ring and said he thought he knew all the ways I had meant yes the day I accepted the promotion at work, but the final way would need to wait until we got to know each other better and were sure that was what we wanted. I smiled at him and told him I agreed and hoped it wouldn't be long, that for me I was ready, but wanted to have the operation first and hoped he didn't mind waiting at least a year as that was how long it would take minimum.

He asked me to tell him what happened that night, not what everyone else said happened, but what really happened. "Jeff didn't you hear what I said at dad's funeral? I told what happened that night as I remember it. Now we need to go join mom and Roxie before they spend more money than we have."

When we got back to the store I left them in they had a stack of clothes I was sure was going to cost a small fortune, and Roxie was saying something about she didn't have shoes to go with anything. Jeff took the stack of clothes and said to go look for shoes and he would take care of the things he had. Mom looked at him and said that stack was going back on the rack they already paid for what they wanted.

"There isn't anything here you want?" he asked.

Roxie said they had fun trying everything on, but none of that stack fit right so they only got what they felt looked good, after all the man they'd brought with to give opinions had copped out because he needed to go shopping for a friendship ring for his girlfriend. Mom took his hand and told him to spend his money on himself and his girlfriend, she had enough, what they got she could handle, and they did need to stay within their means.

Jeff looked over at me and I shrugged, if they didn't want the clothes they needed them and they were going to get them. I gave him a hug and told him to go pay for the clothes because they really did want them, but weren't about to ask him to buy them.

As he headed to the register with the stack of clothes, I took mom and Roxie by the hand and headed for the shoe store telling them they better get use to having nice things because I was damned if my mother and sister were going to run around looking like poppers if I had the means to prevent it. Roxie stuck her tongue out at me and let me lead them to the shoe store. Jeff caught up with us as I paid for shoes to go with the outfits he bought them. He whispered telling me just what it cost to buy all the clothes they picked out. From the shoe store we headed for a nice restaurant I knew of and had lunch.

As we headed into the restaurant I looked at all the packages in the car and wondered just what Jeff and I were worth as partners in the company. So far I had no idea just what the company was worth, but I figured this was a small token of what we could do if push came to shove. As we entered the restaurant I ordered for everyone and said I was to get the bill not Jeff. Mom and Roxie didn't hear me order so wanted to know what kind of restaurant this was that they didn't have menus, so I asked our server to please bring a menu and giggled uncontrollably when they saw the menu and weren't able to read it.

When our lunch came out a short time later I thought things were really going to start getting crazy as I wasn't sure mom and Roxie knew which fork to use with which dish. The appetizer proved to be interesting since I had ordered escargot with the intent of watching Roxie cringe at the thought of eating snails. I hadn't counted on them not being served in the shells and once she ate the first one the rest seemed to disappear instantly, mom was a little more cautious and asked what it was before eating hers.

When lunch was over with no real mishaps we headed back to the house and asked mom and Roxie to model everything they got. Roxie put on quite a show making sure we got to see everything even the tops of the stockings she was wearing. Once the show was over Jeff talked to mom and I took Roxie in the other room so we could talk in private.

"Ok sis what's going on? Where's Bruce and the kids?"

She looked at the kitchen table and didn't say anything. I asked her again and added that I wanted to offer any help I could and if there was a good reason they hadn't been here I would understand.

"Andi I left Bruce. He... he was sleeping with his twenty-five year old secretary."

I looked at her and couldn't believe what I was hearing. Roxie and Bruce had been together since high school and he... "What are you going to do then?" I asked.

"Please don't tell mom," she begged me. "She has enough to worry about without this, and I don't want her worrying about me."

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  14. ##  Mistakes and Life

Roxie told me Bruce started asking her to do things that didn't make sense, things like wearing mini skirts and stiletto heels. He said since the kids were all grown there wasn't any reason she couldn't run around the house looking sexy when he got home. He started saying he wanted to see her with other men, he thought they should have an open relationship. He wanted to start Friday night poker games, and she could entertain the guys by wearing skirts that showed her panties, and sometimes she might even go without panties. The things she said turned my stomach. How could anyone who loved you do something like that? Did they really love you, if they asked those kinds of things?

I asked her plans and she said she didn't have any, she never thought dad would pass like he had, and she had confided in him what she was now telling me. He said she was welcome home for however long she needed, and now that dad was gone she didn't know what she would do. I thought of the words dad told me as I gave him that hug. "Andrea take care of your mom and sister, they will both need you to be strong now."

Could I be strong enough? I didn't know, but I did know I had the resources now to care for them. Roxie said she was hoping to find work, but it seemed no one in town was hiring, she had been going door to door putting in application with anyone who was willing to take one. She hadn't worked since high school and no one wanted to give her the chance. What would I have done if things had been that way for me? Could I have taken a minimum wage job hoping I might at least be able to eat somewhat regularly. I didn't know and it seemed I wouldn't have to find out.

I asked her how things had been before, back when they first got married and she starting telling me how they fought because he thought she was supposed to be a decoration that he could pull out and show off. He said several time she would never work and then he tried to prostitute her with guys he worked with. He was on the verge of losing his job once and his boss supposedly said if she was willing to sleep with him he would be set. After she had gone and talked to his boss and been told that the layoffs were because the company had lost several bids and were running out of work, but Bruce had proven to be valuable enough his job wasn't in danger. When she confronted Bruce with what his boss said he laughed at her and said he was just kidding, hadn't she known him long enough by then to know when he was pulling her leg.

I looked at the clock and noticed it was either time to start dinner or figure out where we wanted to go for dinner. Roxie said she didn't feel like going out again, so we went through the fridge trying to come up with something to fix for dinner. Roxie started cutting up vegetables to make a salad as I started pealing potatoes to mash we found some hamburger and rather than trying to thaw it to make patties we threw it in a skillet still frozen and started browning it to make a hamburger country gravy out of. We found some frozen peas and got them out for a vegetable to go with. As I went through the cupboards and refrigerator I made a mental list of things that needed to be replaced or restocked. I knew if I left it to mom and Roxie the cupboards would be empty before they went shopping and they would only be able to get enough to sustain themselves.

When mom and Jeff came in I took Jeff aside and told him we needed to do something about their situation. I knew it would only be a temporary fix and something needed to be done long term, but for now a temporary fix was better than no fix, and this was my family.

I asked mom again what she planned to do now that dad was gone, what could I do to help. Her response was that she would be fine, that Roxie said she would stay as long as mom needed her.

Once dinner was cleaned up I told mom Jeff and I needed some time alone and there was a show at the theater I really wanted to see. I took Roxie aside and told her she really needed to tell mom what was going on and not to worry I would help however I could. She promised she would talk to mom and let her know she couldn't go back to Bruce and why while we were gone. I knew she made that promise because she thought it would keep me from saying anything, but she was my sister and I had to trust her. She was there for me when I needed her that night so long ago, so I had to be here for her now.

As we left to go get supplies for mom and Roxie, Jeff turned to me and asked why no one at the church had offered to help after dad had passed. I thought of all the times mom and dad helped others when they lost someone and wanted to know the same thing. Instead of going straight to the store we stopped at the church first in hopes of catching Pastor Jim, or someone we could talk to and find out what was going on.

"Pastor Jim what's going on? Why is mom and Roxie having to fend for themselves since dad died?"

"Andrea they haven't had to fend for themselves. There isn't a person in this church that wouldn't help them if they would allow them to help. Every effort to help has been turned away by one or the other of them. I have the feeling if you hadn't made the arrangements for your fathers funeral that wouldn't have been done. I wish I knew what to say here, but the church has tried to help, but they won't let us," Pastor Jim said.

"Pastor Jim I'm asking the people of this church to help if they want to help. If mom or Roxie turn them away they can say it's for me not them, but I have to go back home Sunday and I want to know they will be taken care of. Do you know the real reason Roxie came back when she did?" I asked.

He looked at me telling me she hadn't talked to him either. Why was she trying to do this alone? What was going on that she wasn't telling me? I told Pastor Jim if the members of this church wanted to help they should help and I was over riding what mom and Roxie said, when we got back in the car I called Bruce.

"Hello."

"Bruce I want to know what's going on. What happened between you and Roxie?"

"Hello Andrea, and a fine day to you as well."

"Tell me what's going on Bruce!" I demanded.

He told me she had left for the reasons she had told me, he had gotten into pornography and wanted her to be with other men because it seemed like something that would bring back the excitement that was missing. At first she said no and then one day he brought one of his friends he was sure Roxie thought was hot home and insisted that she sleep with him. The next day she packed a bag and left, leaving only a note that she couldn't live like that and unless he got help for his addiction she wouldn't be back. He said he called her and she told him the same thing and he said he didn't care if she never came back because he had a girlfriend now that would do those things for him. That she wasn't a prude the way Roxie was.

I almost hung up but something about what he said caught my attention and I felt I needed to know if he really did have a girl willing to do all the things Roxie hadn't been willing to do.

He went on to say that since she had left he was on the verge of losing his job because he let those things enter into every part of his life. Before she left she had been the person to keep it in check so it didn't affect his job, but now he had no control. His boss told him to either get the problem taken care of or he would have no choice but to let him go. He had gotten into therapy because he didn't want to lose his job. But now he wished he hadn't lied to Roxie about having a girlfriend. He was working on getting over the addiction, but he hurt so much when he heard dad died and he knew he wouldn't be welcome to show his respect. He told me he had told all the kids that Roxie had walked out on him and them because she didn't love them anymore. He told them she had met someone else and he didn't know where she was or how to contact her any longer.

I asked what he would say if she called him and he said he wasn't sure, but he wanted her back if there was any chance of that happening. Just then I heard a woman's voice I didn't recognize and his explanation was that one of the kids was there and had a friend with them. When I asked which kid he said they had gone to the store and he would have them call me if I really wanted to talk to them. I asked if I could talk to the woman I heard and he hesitated before giving her the phone.

"Hello," the person said.

"Hi Bruce said you're one of his kids friend is that right?"

"Kathy introduced Brucie and I, but I really don't know her very well."

"So you're there visiting with Bruce?"

"He's so nice. I don't understand why his wife left him like she did he's so sweet."

"Can you tell me what he said about her? I promise not to tell anyone who shouldn't know."

"Sure he said she left saying he wasn't man enough for her anymore and she had a sugar daddy who was twice the man he would ever be. He even showed me the note she left, it was addressed to him and his kids. It said she was tired of everyone pulling at her and she deserved better."

"How was the note signed?"

"It was signed Roxanne. She must be a real bitch to do what she did, Brucie and his kids deserve a lot better than that."

"Thank you. I agree they do deserve better than that if, that's true. You see Bruce told me not 10 minutes ago he didn't have a girlfriend and all he wanted was for my sister to come back. The story I have from Roxie is he wanted her to do things sexually that a husband would never ask from his wife unless he's addicted to pornography. So now I have to wonder just who is telling me the truth. What you've said leads me to believe it's Roxie not Bruce."

The voice on the phone was Bruce's. "I will give you credit Andrea, for a pervert you do have a way of getting people to talk. So what do I have to do to get your help with Roxie? I really think if she gave it a try she'd love what I have to offer."

I hung up on him. I wanted to slap him and teach him just what a pervert really is and it isn't me. I called Kathy and talked to her telling her everything I just found out and she said she stopped being friends with Alice because she seemed more interested in her dad than she should have been. She said she would let the others know that Roxie left because their father treated her so badly and she would make sure they all understood Roxie did still love them and wanted to stay in touch with them.

"So your aunt Andrea? Mom and grandpa were always talking about you, I hope we get the chance to meet sometime."

I told her we had met, but I wasn't Andrea then I was her uncle Andy. She giggled and said she figured that out years ago, they all had, but if I wanted to be Andy I was still the best uncle Andy they had. I thanked her for everything and asked Jeff if there was a chance of talking to Bruce's boss and see if I could make things very hot for him, when I told him where Bruce worked he laughed and said it was easier done then said. He made a phone call and when he hung up he said we had an appointment Monday afternoon with the owner of Affiliated Products.

We finished the shopping we started out to do and headed back to moms. As we pulled in Roxie came out wanting to know just what I had done. Kathy called her and said her and the other kids would be here Sunday and she had a little explaining to do, but she said the way Kathy said she needed to explain it sounded like a good thing not a bad thing.

We picked the kids up at the airport just before church and were able to get them to the house and still make it to church. Kathy insisted on sitting by me and started asking questions about why I tried so hard to be what everyone in the family knew I wasn't. She called me aunt Andrea as though it were who I had been all her life. Just before the service started Amanda and Connie came in and sat on my other side. I gave Amanda's hand a squeeze and reached over and gave Connie a small hug just as the service started. Once the service started everyone stood while the candles were lit and the opening hymn was sung.

As the service came to a close Amanda asked if her and Connie could talk to me. I smiled and said they could talk to me anytime, and then said I needed to talk to them as well, so I invited them back to moms offering a wonderful lunch. After the closing prayer Pastor Jim said there was going to be a luncheon in the friendship hall in honor of Andrew Jensen and everyone was invited.

Everyone stood and waited while the pastor and lay leaders walked down the aisle. When they got to the row we were all sitting on Pastor Jim turned to mom and asked if she would lead the way out to the friendship hall. He stood aside and let the family file out ahead of him. Once at the door he hurried past us and formed a greeting line with the ushers and lay leaders. As we came out of the chapel they each gave us a hug and shook our hands. Pastor Jim took moms hands and asked if she could stand with him until the chapel was empty and he would see that the family was at the head of the line for the banquet in dads honor.

As we waited outside the friendship hall one of the side doors was opened and the head of the ladies Bible study came out and asked who all in our group were family. Roxie started to say just mom, her, her kids and I. I quickly added Jeff, Amanda, and Connie. She opened the main door and let us through and closed the door again. As the door closed she asked us to follow her to the stage where a table was setup, as we all took a seat the doors were opened and everyone else was allowed to enter. As everyone came in and took a place in line to receive the buffet style luncheon the ladies Bible study brought a plate of food and set it in front of each of us at the table on the stage. Once we each had a dish of food, Pastor Jim came up on the stage and offered a prayer and everyone else was allowed to start dishing up their plates and find a place to sit.

I thought about the last time I had seen something like this happen, I was about seventeen or so and again it was my family who sat on the stage but in honor of dads mom that time. How long it had been since I had thought of grandma, at that moment it was as though I was seventeen again only this time I was me not that guy I tried so hard to be back then. The tears started all over again, but this time they were the tears I hadn't been able to shed back when it had been grandma who was missing.

Kathy asked me if there was something wrong and I just cried. How could she ever understand what I was going through. Could she ever understand that it was grandma who said I was a girl even before I was born. Mom was so excited she gave dad a son and grandma said I was a girl even seeing for herself. I looked over at mom and she nudged Kathy to get her attention.

As we sat there mom explained to Kathy how I had sat here at this same table so long ago and never shed a tear for the woman who knew me even before I was born. It was grandma who gave me the name Andrea, and when I was born male mom changed it to Andrew.

That one night had stolen so much from us all. That one boy who that night wanted me to be his girlfriend until he found out I wasn't a girl and tried to kill me because he couldn't accept someone could be other than they appeared. It hadn't mattered I refused to kiss him. It didn't matter I said no I wouldn't be his girlfriend. The only thing that mattered was I didn't fit his idea of what I should be. I looked over at Amanda and saw the tears on her cheeks and gave her hand a squeeze.

When the luncheon was over and we were back at the house Amanda asked if Jeff and I had made arrangements to getting back home yet. We let her know we hadn't and asked why she wanted to know. She told us she and Connie made the trip spur of the moment and hadn't counted on gas costing what it had and they didn't have enough to get back unless someone was willing to lend them the money, but if we were willing to ride back with them and pitch in for gas...

I thought of how much time it would take and let them know chances were with how late it was we might not be able to get a flight till morning and I had an appointment Monday afternoon with the owner of another company I didn't dare miss. Jeff piped in that if they would get us home we would get them home in less than an hour, but we would need to let the pilot know we had a car and what size it was to put in the cargo hold of the airplane.

No wonder Jeff hadn't done anything to arrange a flight home we had the airplane we flew here in. Amanda gave Jeff the details on the car and I talked to Connie while she did. I told Connie about the call I had gotten and asked what she knew about Amanda's dad. She informed me she knew very little and had never met him. Amanda never talked about him much, but she said he abandoned her family when she was just a little girl, something about he wanted a girl and he didn't get one.

I called the phone number mom had given me and when a man answered I told him who I was and asked just what he wanted from Amanda. He said he heard she was transgender, and wanted to know if it was true. I said it wasn't for me to talk for someone else, but if he wanted to talk to Amanda I could arrange it, but it would have to be on the phone as I wouldn't set up a friend if I could help it. He agreed and I handed the phone to Amanda.

I listened as Amanda started talking to her father. It was apparent when she discovered who he was, the questions she asked said as much. "Why did you leave us? Why didn't you ever try to contact me before now? Why should I trust anything you say?" By the end of the conversation I still wasn't sure if she wanted to meet him face to face, but I do think they made progress and from what I was able to figure out he hadn't left because he wanted to.

As she handed the phone back she thanked me for letting her talk to him, she had a smile that brightened her face so much we all started smiling a little bigger.

Once we were back on the ground and the car was taken off the plane, Amanda drove me home asking when we could talk as she had things she felt she needed to let me know about the trans community and the sooner I heard them, the better she would feel. Amanda got out with me and said she wanted to talk and if Connie would come back for her she would really appreciate it. Connie took Jeff home and was back in fifteen minutes.

"Andrea I want to know how to find him," she demanded.

I wanted to pretend I didn't know who she meant, but I did know, and I knew where he was. I had taken the liberty to find out who the phone number belonged to and where they lived. Did I dare tell her what I knew? What if he couldn't accept her anymore than her mother could, what then. I didn't want her to get hurt, so I told her I wanted to meet him first and see if he still wanted to get to know her after seeing a picture of her, if he still wanted to accept her I would make arrangements.

Amanda had gone over the activities for the transgender community while we waited for Connie to get back, I found out they were two of the leaders in the community and they really hoped I would become active in the community as I was so passable as they put it.

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  15. ##  New Friends/Old Friends

I walked in my office Monday morning to Michael saying he had done the best he could, but no matter what he offered Allen said he wouldn't come back unless one of the owners made the offer. I looked at him and asked where he was then, I was now one of the owners and it was me who authorized Michael to make the offer.

"Michael I want him here and I want him here now! Not tomorrow! Now!"

"I knew you were going to say that so I told him the owner over this department wanted him to come in first thing this morning."

As Michael said that I saw Allen come toward my door. I told Michael to stay where he was and opened the door.

"Allen I want to talk to you. Would you please come in and close the door."

As he took a seat I thought of all the times we talked and how he asked me once if I was sure I wasn't a girl, because he said I thought too much like a woman not to be.

"So Allen what is it going to take to get you back here?"

He looked at me and then at Michael. "I... Ms Jensen?"

"Yes Allen I'm Miss Andrea Jensen. Now tell me what it's going to cost this company to get you back?"

"I must say you do look good Miss Jensen. What is it going to cost me to come back?"

I smiled at him and said I hoped it wasn't going to cost him anything more than the time to do the work we asked of him. I asked what all had been offered and Michael told me he offered the ten percent I said to offer along with his seniority back. I looked over at Allen and asked if that was enough or if there was something else he wanted. He said he wanted me to admit he'd been right all those times he said I should have been a girl and if I would do that he would be at his desk before the lunch whistle blew.

I again smiled at him and said he better be working on getting the problem straightened out he left for me right away or I was going to tell everyone he had a crush on Amy in the mail room. He looked at me with a challenge in his eye and I reminded him Michael was sitting right here and the word might as well already be out. He chuckled and asked who had the power to hire and fire in this department. When I told him only Michael and myself he smiled and asked what desk was his.

At nine o'clock I had an appointment with Joan my therapist and as soon as Michael and Allen were out the door I started getting ready to go as I had about fifteen minutes to get there. Just as I picked up my purse and opened the door both Jeff and Adam came in saying they wanted to talk to me and they wanted to do so now.

I looked at the clock and said I needed to make a phone call to let my therapist know I was going to have to reschedule the appointment as I was caught up in a business meeting and didn't know when I would be able to get away. Once I hung the phone up Adam said he wanted to know what it was I wanted to talk about.

I looked at him totally lost as I hadn't... could it be that Adam was the owner of... I thought about what all happened Saturday and looked at Jeff.

"Andrea, Adam owns the company your brother-in-law works for." Jeff said.

It all fit now. So many things I hadn't understood before, now became so clear. "Adam is who you had that appointment with so long ago, isn't he Jeff?"

Jeff shook his head that he was and I asked what my part in this was.

"Andrea, Jeff bought me out the day you were promoted to co-owner. He didn't do it before because he was waiting for you to be Andrea again. The day we signed the papers forming this company it was done so on the day you remembered who you were he would be able to buy me out and you would be promoted to co-owner. The plane we flew to the funeral in belongs to this company not me, that's why it was there for you when you came back. Just what is it you wanted to talk to me about Andrea?"

I told him one of his employees had a big problem with pornography and needed to get into therapy, or something to deal with it, or it would soon become a problem for him everywhere and I hoped that didn't happen.

He listened intently and when I was done he asked who this employee was and how it was I knew about the problem.

When I told him it was my brother-in-law he nodded and said he would look into the matter and he would make sure that my sister was taken care of until Bruce was either in therapy and working on getting his life back or he was fired, then there was nothing he could do unless she could do Bruce's job, or some other job he had available.

I told him she wasn't willing to go back unless Bruce was in therapy. She had suffered the indignation he had dished on her long enough and if she and mom were willing to come here I could see they were taken care of and Roxie had a job. As long as they stayed where they are the best I could do was offer to make sure they had enough to live on.

Adam looked at me and pulled a file out of his briefcase and handed it to me. Is this the Bruce you're talking about?"

I looked at the file and wondered just how long he had known about the situation. "This is him," I told him.

He told me not to worry about things as Roxie had already talked to the company and he was going to make things happen. He said Roxie had done a little work for him in the past and she was very good at what she did, so he was thinking of hiring her full-time and at a salary that rivaled what I had been making. He was also willing to let her live wherever she wanted as long as she was willing to let him install the internet connection he needed her to have to do the work. He told me in a way she would be her own boss and he knew a couple other companies that were interested in hiring her also if she was interested.

I thought about how they talked while at the funeral and realized they had indeed known each other and shared a closeness, I at the time didn't understand. It wasn't a closeness that a man has with a woman, but the closeness that one person has for someone they have worked with closely. I had to know just what it was he wanted to have her do, and almost fell out of my chair when he said he wanted her to do his book keeping and make sure all his corporate bills were paid and the taxes where filled and paid on time.

Thinking back yes she had taken accounting classes at the local college, but I had no idea she had completed her degree. I asked what Adam was going to do about Bruce and his problem, he told me unless it started getting in the way of him doing his job there wasn't much he could do, but he was looking into the new secretary Bruce hired, because she seemed very unqualified and if he found she was as unqualified as he suspected Bruce was going to have a lot of question to answer, and would likely lose his job if there was proof he hired her because she was his sex toy.

The phone rang just as he finished telling me. When I answered it turned out to be Joan wanting to know when I could be there as she wanted to help me and that meant keeping my appointments with her. I asked if there was anything else we needed to talk about because Joan was a bitch about someone canceling on her so close to their appointment time, and wanted to see me as soon as I could get there. I smiled at Jeff and told him she was the one who held the key to when I could have the surgery and the sooner that happened the sooner we could think long term. He told me to go and make sure I never missed another appointment without good cause and the only good cause he could think of was I was dead. We all laughed and Adam said he was sorry he hadn't waited, but he was glad we talked.

As I stepped out my door Michael was standing there asking me how I wanted something handled. I stopped and turned looking him in the eye.

"Michael did you hear what I told Allen this morning?" He nodded so I went on. "I think you can figure out what needs to be done here, if I have to babysit you I'll find someone else to be the lead of this department. Now handle it! I have an appointment I'm late for already and I can't afford to be much later because you're worried I won't like how you handled this."

He laughed and said it was going to take a while getting use to making this kind of decisions because Rudy had been so sure he knew how everything was supposed to be and making a decision when he was here was tantamount to treason as I should know. I reminded him I wasn't Rudy and I did things differently, and he better get use to how I did things, or I was going to cut his six digit salary back to what he was making and find someone else who could make decisions.

As I pulled in the parking lot at Joan's office and headed to the door I got stopped by a man asking if I could spare a few dollars as he hadn't eaten in a couple days. I looked at him closely and the smell of alcohol was so strong I suspected he hadn't had anything but a liquid diet for more than a few days, and I didn't feel I should trust him to buy food rather than alcohol. He asked again this time close enough I could tell the smell was surface only and I asked his name. If he was who I thought he might be, did I really want to help him?

He said his name was Fred, he lost his job to some cheap labor overseas and wasn't having any luck finding work of any kind.

"Fred I have an appointment in this office and if you're here when I get out I'll be more than happy to buy you a meal. I think we may know each other and I would really like to talk to you."

He said he'd be waiting when I came out and I turned back to the door. "How's Alice doing Fred?"

"I don't have any idea... you... who are you?"

I smiled and just walked in the building. As I let the receptionist know I was there Joan came out and said the next times I tried to cancel an appointment I had better give her move notice than ten minutes. I caught her up on everything that had taken place since the last time I had seen her.

"Andrea I have a group therapy every other week on Wednesday afternoon, would you be interested in maybe doing group therapy or are there things we need to work on privately?

I looked at her then at my hands. Was I ready to share what I am with others? I thought I had several things that wouldn't be of any interest to anyone else but needed to be worked out if I was to be complete as me.

"When is the next one of these group meetings Joan?"

When she told me the next meeting was this coming Wednesday at 6:00 pm, I gasped. I wasn't ready for that soon I had so many things I was unsure of yet and I needed time in private to get them out where I could feel comfortable about sharing them with someone else. As the hour came to a close I told her I needed more time before I felt I could handle a group meeting. She said she understood and I should take whatever time I felt I needed.

When I emerged from the building Fred was sitting right where I had left him not bothering anyone else who walked by. He looked up just as the door closed behind me and hopped to his feet.

"You're Andrea aren't you?"

I smiled and walked to my car. As I got in I unlocked the passenger door and waited for him to get in. I hadn't said I was Andrea, but I hadn't said I wasn't either, he opened the door and got in looking at me as though waiting for me to say something.

"So Fred how is it you don't know how your wife is?"

He smirked and said he didn't know because she left him three years after they got married and he hadn't heard from her since. He again asked if I was Andrea and grabbed my arm wanting an answer.

I looked at him. "If you don't let go of my arm Fred, I'll break yours."

He looked at me closer and knew I wasn't joking so let go. "I wanted to kill you that night you know. I was sure you were lying about who you were, and when I... I just wanted to be your boy friend, I thought you were so hot and..."

I remembered the way things happened and remembered he said he wanted me to be his girlfriend. I was so frightened that night, it was the first time I had ever been Andrea with anyone, but family and Roxie's friends. I just wanted him to understand I wanted to be Jeff's girlfriend and I wasn't trying to fool anyone into thinking of me as anything but who I was.

I drove to one of the many restaurants in the area and once we ordered I asked what kind of work he was looking for. As he told me of the jobs he'd done over the years I found myself wondering how anyone could live the way he had. So many different jobs over the years and so little to show for them. What if I hadn't had Jeff looking over me all this time. Waiting, hoping that one day I would be me again.

"Do have a contractors license?"

He said he did, but wasn't sure it was current, he hadn't done anything about it for a year or two. He said he knew where some land was that would be a very good deal, but he didn't have the money to buy either the land, or anything to develop the land with. When we finished eating he insisted on showing me the land saying that someone who could come up with the money to develop it would make six times what they invested.

I asked where he was staying and he said he was staying in his car, it was the only thing he had left and he was thinking of selling it so he could eat for a little while. When I asked about the smell he said he had bought a bottle and started drinking it figuring that since he didn't have anything else he would drink himself to death. He knew so little about drinking he hadn't counted on how it would affect him and he got sick before he even poured a second swallow in his mouth and ended up pouring the rest of it down the front of himself and on the ground. He gave me an idea where his car was and when we got there said the land around there was the land he was talking about.

I turned the car off and we got out so he could show me around. I looked at the land and knew he was right, but didn't want to lose the beauty I saw in this land. He told me who owned the land and what they were asking for it. I pulled out my laptop and was online in a few minutes looking at what the land was valued at and thought about what he said the owner was asking.

"I have an idea of what I want in a house," I said. "If you had that to work from could you design and build the house? I don't want short cuts in it anywhere, I want it to be the best, but I don't want my money wasted either."

He asked what I wanted. I told him I wanted an oversize kitchen and so on and he said he thought he had a clue that he would work on drawing something up for me to see.

I really needed to get back to the office so I gave him my number and where I worked saying when he had something for me to see to either stop by my office or call and make arrangements to meet somewhere to go over what he had. He agreed to let me know as soon as he had something, so I gave him a hundred dollar bill and said it was for the design and if things worked out I'd be willing to see there was more.

When I got back to the office Jim was waiting outside my office wanting to talk about some changes he thought would make things in shipping work better. He followed me in my office closing the door as I sat at my desk.

"Andrea I think if we cut out some of the redundant paperwork we can expedite shipping and cut a lot of time and cost." He handed me a report he'd made.

I looked over the report and the current policies we had in place. "Jim I don't see how you can cut some of this paperwork and still give the service we give. I want our people loading and unloading these trucks so no one gets hurt and the product is protected as best it can be. If you can show me how this is going to be beneficial both to us and our customers great I have no problem making the changes, but if it is strictly to save money I don't see it here, in fact I see it costing us more money than our current policies in the long run."

We went over the concerns I had about his proposal and as he left I told him I was willing to consider his proposals for changes, but I wanted him to be sure to cover everything involved before coming to me hoping to get those changes made.

After he left saying he would look into what changes would really make things work smoother and actually save the company money I started looking over the papers on my desk trying to figure out just what was what. I started sorting the papers out as to what they were and decided I needed help, someone who could stand between me and everyone but Jeff, Michael and Jim. I didn't have time to do all the things I was finding were now mine to deal with if I had to do all my own filing as well.

I knocked on Jeff's door and when he looked up entered and took a seat across from him.

"You look worn out Andrea."

I looked at him and smiled as best I could. "How do you keep your desk so clean all the time? Just what do you do? It seems you're always busy, but your desk almost never has papers stacked on it the way mine does now."

He reminded me he had two secretaries and they made sure he knew what was going on and when he needed something he had it. He suggested I talk to them about getting my own secretary and the sooner the better as I had a lot on my shoulders now. I stopped at Jeff's secretaries desk on the way out and asked if she could get someone for my office to help out until I had a chance to hire someone.

When I got back to my office June was standing there saying she had just been assigned as my secretary and wanted to know what I had for her. I opened my door and pointed at my desk telling her we should really talk before we did anything else. I'd never had a secretary before so I had no real idea just what I needed from her, but I knew she would be able to help me get the top of my desk so I could see it again and help me keep it that way.

June took a look at the mess on my desk and started straightening it up making sure the files were better organized and set in one area for each type. She told me generally a secretary answered the phone and made sure her boss had what they needed when they needed it. She said we should have things worked out so I knew what to expect from her and her from me. I asked if she would make sure all the personnel files got back where they belonged and asked her if she would please get her file so I could look at it.

When she returned she said I had a call on line 3 and she would make sure the files were all put away so they would be easier to find.

I took the call to find Roxie on the other end asking what I'd done. She went on to say she had just gotten a call from Bruce telling her he never wanted to see her again. He had seen a lawyer that morning and he hope she would be reasonable and just let the divorce happen. She went on to say, Adam called her asking how she felt about setting up an accounting firm she could run from home if she so chose.

I told her I'd talked to Adam about what I discovered while I was there for the funeral, but he said he was thinking of offering to help her get setup anyway. I told her he said he was going to be checking into Bruce's hiring practices as it appeared that his choice of a secretary was lacking, again he said he was looking into that even before I talked to him. When we hung up she was satisfied I hadn't really done anything to make her life different other than what I had done while I was there.

Just as I was getting ready to put the last of the files on my desk on the corner for June to put away in the morning she told me there was a Fred Sanders there insisting he needed to see me. I asked her to show him in then she could go and we would get a new start in the morning.

Fred came in, I offered him a chair, but he said what he wanted to show me was a dream house and wanted to know if it was anything like what I had in mind, and set a note pad on my desk. As I started looking over the drawings he said if there was anything there that came close, or if some of the rooms fit but others didn't, we could mix and match until we had just the house I wanted. About half way through the note book I called Jeff's office to see if he was still there and asked him if he could spar a few minutes as I wanted this house to be not only mine, but his as well.

When Jeff entered and saw Fred a look of anger came on him I hoped I would never again see. "Jeff, Fred is helping me design a house and I was hoping you might be willing to help as well."

Jeff's face cooled, but the anger was still very much a part of how he held himself. He came around the desk and I opened the note book back to the start and told him Fred said we could make changes to any part of any of the designs, all we had to do was let him know and he'd be willing to draw up the designs to fit whatever we wanted.

As we reached the last page of floor plans in the note book, Jeff turned to Fred and asked just what he thought he was doing in his offices. Hadn't he caused enough trouble back when we were all still in high school?

"Jeff I know I can never make up for what happened. I wouldn't even know were to begin, but I have changed a lot since then. I..." Fred fell silent not knowing what he could say that could change anything.

"Because of you the woman I love waited almost thirty years before realizing just how special she really is, then you come in here knowing I hate you for what happened and act like nothing happened. Tell me Fred just what it is you really want! If it's money here," he threw five hundred dollars on the desk, "take it and go."

Fred looked at the money and picked up his note book turned to me and said he hoped I never had to live a lie again. I asked him to wait in the outer office while I talked to Jeff. As the door shut behind him I turned to Jeff and told him if I ever saw him treat anyone like that again his wait for me was for nothing, because I would never be his girlfriend, or more importantly I would never be his wife. I told him Fred was here because I ran into him while I was at my therapy and we'd talked. That he told me he knew where a great piece of land was and he was sure he could help me design and build the house of my dreams.

Jeff gave me a very sheepish look like a little boy who just got caught stealing fresh cookies when he had been told they were for a special occasion. I started melting at his look, how could I stay angry with him when he knew he was wrong. I knew that to ask him to apologize would be pushing things further than needed as Fred seemed to know Jeff had vowed that he would never marry until the day his Andrea came back to him.

I walked over and opened the door and asked Fred to please come back in so we could talk about just what it was we wanted in a house. We went over the floor plans I don't know how many times before we came up with something we thought was close. We talked about the changes we wanted as some of the floor plans had a little of what we wanted and others had things set up more the way we thought they should be. We went through and marked everything then I looked at the clock and said I didn't know about them, but I was hungry and tired.

As we got everything together I ask Fred when he thought he might have a new floor plan for us to look at. He said he was sure it would take a few days but he seemed so excited I doubted he would do much else but work on getting it drawn up so we could approve it, or again go through and make some more changes to fit what we wanted better.

After Fred left Jeff turned to me. "Ok I give up what is this really all about Andrea?"

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  16. ##  Forgiveness

I again told Jeff how I ran into Fred on my way into my therapy appointment and he waited for me to come out. He told me he didn't have any money and was living in his car, but wanted to earn his living, not bum it on the streets. We talked about me wanting a house, but not finding anything I liked. He said, he knew about some land for sale and would be happy to help me design and build the house I wanted if I really had the money.

Jeff looked at me as though I was a stark raving lunatic, how could I possibly believe anything Fred said, wasn't it him who had done all the damage making me forget who I was? Forget I was his girlfriend and the love of his life. So why now was I listening to this man who was now getting everything he deserved?

I looked at Jeff and asked him if he wanted me to be someone other than myself. As I said the words I knew I couldn't do other than I had. I didn't like what Fred had done to me. I didn't like that I had waited so long to transition into the me I was now. But what might have been otherwise? Could I be who I am now if I hadn't been through what I have? I forgave Fred a long time ago, or at least I thought I had. I think had he known before dancing and trying to give me a kiss he might have reacted differently, but he didn't know, and he did beat me up, trying to kill me if he could for me having tried to deceive him, when in fact there had been no intentional deception on my part.

Jeff took me out to dinner wanting to better understand why I was trying to help Fred. The restaurant he took me to had a dance floor and soft slow music like what we'd danced to on my sixteenth birthday. After we were seated I listened to the music stood up and told Jeff if he wanted to know the answer to his question he was going to have to dance with me. As we stepped out on the floor I held him close and I rested my head on his chest.

"I love you." Jeff whispered so softly I thought I might have imagined it.

I turned my head up and kissed him saying I loved him too.

"Jeff how much do you remember about the day we first danced?"

He hugged me closer to him and didn't say anything just held me tight. After several minutes passed he said he didn't understand why I was asking, then told me he remembered how right I felt in his arms, how my kiss felt so good and tasted so sweet. He said he remembered how the light shown in my eyes when he said he loved me that night, how he knew he would never find anyone he could love again when I never showed up at the flagpole like I promised. He told me how scared he was when he came back inside to find me and heard Fred had beat me up and everyone was talking about me saying I deserved what happened, because I was just some fagot trying to fool everyone into thinking I was a girl. He told me he tried to defend me to everyone saying, I was a girl, and they were all wrong. They started making fun of him saying he was a fagot too if he wanted to have anything to do with someone like me.

I kissed him again and told him things hadn't changed all that much, people would still say those things. There would be many who would never accept me as a woman even after I had the surgery. I told him, I felt that had Fred known the truth about me back then, before he danced with me, he might not have beat me up. He probably felt I deceived him trying to pass myself off as something I wasn't. So many mistakes were made that night, and I wasn't blameless, I hadn't even thought someone might be offended by me, because at home I was always considered to be a girl except by mom and even she seemed to accept me all day that day. I'd gone to the dance as me because I was sure that doing so would mean I never had to be Andy again.

"So you stopped being Andrea because you got beat up?"

"What Fred did hurt a lot less than what Mr Andrews said about calling the police and having me arrested because I had used the girl's restroom. Jeff I thought of myself as a girl, not just that night but every day. Why shouldn't I have used the girls restroom I was a girl wasn't I? Then to have Fred beat me up and say what he did hurt a lot, but when Mr Andrews said I wasn't a girl and never could be it brought back all the times mom had gotten so mad at Roxie and I for me wearing her clothes. So tell me Jeff who did the most in making me try to be someone you could never have as either a girlfriend, or even a wife."

He pulled back from me a little so he could see the tears on my cheeks as I remembered again how everything happened that night. How all the joy I had that morning was turned to pain for so long, all because someones prejudice made them say something so unkind. He brushed the tears away and kissed me on the nose telling me he would never let anyone hurt me again. As he moved his kiss down to my lips I melted into him wanting to believe he was right, that no one would ever hurt me like that again. I wanted to believe he would make others lose their prejudices against people like me, but I knew he couldn't do that, and yes, I would be hurt again, but now I was stronger and wiser. Now I knew who I was, and knew I couldn't go back to being who others thought I should be, all because of how I was born.

He looked at me as though he had never seen me before, like he was trying to imprint how I looked at that moment so he would never again forget who held his heart.

As we finished dinner he asked if there was anything he could do to help make my transition easier and faster. He watched as I dabbed the corner of my mouth and set the napkin on my plate. I told him of the support group Amanda and Connie had and how they hoped I would be willing to help if by nothing else, at least attending the meetings. I told him I really didn't want to go through this alone and knew I wasn't, but these people knew what I was going through because they were going through it too.

He asked when the meeting was and said he wanted to go as well. He said he wanted to be there for me all the way and he was sure there was something he could do to help not only me, but everyone in the transgender community, and he didn't want anyone else to suffer losing themselves the way I had. He asked what I had planned to help.

I looked at him not fully understanding what it was he was asking me. What did I plan to do about what? Helping others like myself? So far I hadn't made any plans to do anything, but attend the meetings and learn what I could.

"Jeff I haven't got a clue what I can do to help right now, other than give my support to others. I'm hoping I can get a better idea what I can do when I start attending the group meetings."

Wednesday evening Jeff asked what I had planned, and if I wanted to go out to dinner. I reminded him I had group and with the work I had I thought I would go straight from the office. He reminded me he wanted to go, and I asked that he allow me a meeting or two just me, then perhaps if he wanted he could attend as well. He said he would allow me the time, but he didn't look like he was going to be happy about it.

When I got to the meeting Amanda asked me if I would mind telling my story when it came my turn to introduce myself, she thought it might give others the inspiration to tell their stories. Connie opened the meeting telling the rules and letting everyone know whatever they chose to share was ok. If they didn't feel they could share their stories they didn't have too. She turned to me and asked if I would be willing to lead off by introducing myself and telling whatever part of my story I felt comfortable telling. I looked around at the people there wondering just how many of them knew each other.

"Hello! I'm Andrea Jensen, I hope to be able to tell a little of what I've been through in my journey becoming me."

"When I was five years old my sister dressed me in one of her dresses saying if I was going to be a mommy I had to dress like a mommy. I was so excited because it had always been something I hoped one day I might be. Later that day mom came in to check on us and seeing me dressed as a girl scolded both my sister and I. She told me I was a boy and boys couldn't be mommies. Later that night I talked to my dad and asked him why I couldn't be a mommy. He smiled at me and said he didn't know any reason I couldn't if I was a girl, he asked me if I was a boy or a girl I remember thinking about that question and looking my dad in the eye and saying I was a girl, he told me if I was a girl I would make a lot better mommy than I would a daddy."

"I smiled and he said if I was a girl I should be the best little girl I knew how and he would always be there for me, he said if I was a girl I should use a girl name and called me Andrea. I remember giggling and telling him I liked that name and promising him I would always be a good little girl for him."

"The next day I again dressed like a girl but this time it was dad who was watching us and when he came in to check on us he asked if his little girls wanted some ice cream calling each of us by name using Andrea for me. Dad always made me feel so special but the days mom watched us I always had to be a boy. A few days before my sixteenth birthday dad said he wanted to take me shopping so my sister and I dressed in her best clothes and she helped me put on make-up for about the tenth time in my life letting me do most of it and helping me know what I was doing wrong and why it was wrong."

"Once we were dressed we all got in dads car, as we pulled out the drive and onto the street we saw mom turn onto the street, dad didn't seem to notice and took off the opposite direction and headed for the mall. Once we got to the mall dad took us to one of the better womens clothes stores and said for me to pick out something I liked. I looked at so many dresses and finally settled on one that I thought looked great and was a little lower in price than most the others. When I tried it on dad said I looked like his little princess, but would need a nice pair of shoes to go with. We went through so many shoes trying to find just the right pair to go with the dress finally settling on a pair of knee high boots with three inch heels."

"When we got back home mom was there, but didn't say anything about me being dressed like a girl. It seemed strange how when mom was alone with us I had to be a boy, but when dad was there too I could be either a boy or a girl and nothing was ever said. So many times I had been shopping with my sister and her friends as Andrea and mom never said anything unless we came back with something for me that she deemed to be something a girl would have. My sister and I learned that for me to have my own clothes we needed to make sure they would fit her too, but the dress dad bought me was mine and there was no way my sister could have ever fit in it, the same with the boots."

"On my birthday when dad woke me up, he set the dress and boots on my bed and said he hoped I wouldn't be long. I jumped out of bed and slipped on a clean pair of panties and a bra. I slid the dress on and pulled on a pair of silk stockings finishing with the boots. As I entered the kitchen mom looked at me and asked if there was anything special I wanted for breakfast. I smiled and she smiled back telling me how beautiful I looked calling me Andrea for the first time. I wanted to shout hearing my mom call me by my girl name. I wanted to hug her and thank her for finally accepting me, as me. All that day I felt like I was on top of the world I was Andrea, a girl and even mom saw me for who I was finally."

"There was a dance that night and my sister really wanted to go, she made it sound like so much fun I started to get excited wanting to go as well. When we got to the dance I thought about how I was dressed, how I'd been wearing the dress dad bought me, how I was a girl. I started seeing the kids I went to school with and started to panic, what if they recognized me? What if they found out who I was in school. My sister reminded me that mom accepted me all day fixing my favorite breakfast, my favorite lunch, even making my favorite cake with pink icing and a sweet sixteen Andrea written across the cake in mom's handwriting. She said if mom accepted I didn't need to worry, these jerks didn't matter, and if they found out her and her friends would step in to make sure they didn't say, or do anything."

"We went in the dance and I saw more of the guys there, guys who told me the day before they weren't going to be there. I felt very ill thinking of all the trouble that might happen if anyone figured out who I was as Andrea. I wasn't ready just yet to be Andrea full-time, but didn't know how to avoid this dance now that I was there. I excused myself to the restroom and got sick, when I looked in the mirror after leaving the stall I was sure I could go through with being Andrea at this dance after all I looked like a girl, and I felt like a girl, so I had to be a girl, right."

"As I emerged from the ladies room one of the boys from my math class asked me to dance taking my hand and leading the way. All the music that night was made for slow dancing, and here I was trapped with someone I hoped didn't find out who I was. When the music ended he tried to give me a kiss and I turned him away saying I didn't kiss after a first dance. He walked away as though I'd told him he was beneath me. As I made my way off the dance floor someone else grabbed me and said they wanted to dance, again someone from one of my classes, and again someone I hoped didn't find out who I was. This guy tried to give me a kiss when the music stopped and I again said no, I wasn't that kind of girl."

"Each time I tried to get away from the dance floor someone else dragged me back wanting to dance and try for a kiss. I did finally make it to the punch bowl and got a cup of punch I sipped on through the next few songs. As I was finishing up the cup of punch my sister found me and said she had seen I was having a great time not realizing that yes while I had smiled and danced I was so afraid I might be found out at anytime and feared if these guys found out they might want to beat me up. She had taken off again before I was able to let her know of my fear so I headed back to the punch bowl and was asked to dance again. When I held up the cup the guy took it from me and lead me out on the dance floor tossing the empty cup in a trash can as we entered the dance floor."

"I wanted to go home I had fulfilled the promise I made before getting to the dance and all I wanted to do was go home. The guy that had me on the dance floor now, pulled me close to him and whispered in my ear that he knew who I was. He said he didn't care that he loved me anyway and hoped I could love him some day."

"When he said he knew who I was I froze I knew everything was going to change and I would be lucky to get out of the dance in one piece. But he didn't turn away after whispering my boy name in my ear proving that he did indeed know who I was. Instead, he pulled me closer and said he wanted me to be his girlfriend, and he would do all he could to protect me from anyone who thought I was a pervert and tried to hurt me. I pulled back from him a little and looked in his eyes hoping to see the truth that he did mean the words he was saying. I found myself transfixed by what I saw in his eyes and leaned back in giving him a kiss and letting him hold me even tighter."

"The music stopped and we still stood, there swaying to the music we heard, the music of love, that we felt for each other. As the next song started we started swaying to it and he told me he had an appointment he needed to go to and hoped I would be willing to go with. I asked how long his appointment would take, and said I needed to let my sister know I had another way to get home so she didn't wonder what happened to me, we made arrangements to meet again by the flagpole in front of the school."

I found my sister getting ready to go back out on the dance floor and stopped her telling her I found someone who knew who I was and loved me anyway. She smiled at me and decided she wanted to talk to me for a little before dancing anymore. I told her this guy wanted to take me out and wanted to get to know me as me. She smiled at me and told me to have a great time and she would see me at home. I started out to the flagpole and the guy who asked me to dance first came up saying he wanted me to be his girlfriend, and wouldn't take no for an answer. I tried to reason with him telling him I had a boyfriend, but he grabbed my arm and said he wasn't going to let me get away that easy. He pulled me against him giving me a kiss and when I pulled away I told him he had just blown any chance I would ever care about him. I didn't kiss and anyone who tried to force me to would surely try for something more that was strictly off limits."

"He held me against him forcing his leg between mine and discovered that I had the same equipment there he did. He looked at me and spit in my face telling me I was sick and hit me. I don't remember a lot after that about what happened other than he kept hitting and kicking me. My sister and her boyfriend saved me and my sister insisted she needed to get me home. As she was taking me out one of the chaperons insisted they needed to take a look at me to make sure I didn't need an ambulance and in doing a check discovered I was a pervert as he put it. He said he was going to call the police and when they got there I would be the one going to jail because he had seen me go in the girls room when we arrived. This chaperon called me so many things placing all the blame on me for me getting beat up. It hadn't mattered that the boy had forced a kiss on me. It hadn't mattered that he was the one trying to force me into something I didn't want. It only mattered that I had tried to deceive everyone into believing I was something I wasn't."

"When we got home I ran crying to my room taking off the dress that all that day had been a confirmation of who I was. I ran out of my room and threw the dress at mom and said she should be happy now because I wouldn't ever try being something I wasn't ever again. For the next twenty-four years I dressed three times for Halloween because my ex-wife said she thought it would be fun. Each of those times I went out of my way to make sure anyone would see I was a man dressing for Halloween as a woman. I didn't remember I wanted to be a girl and later a woman, I wanted more than anything to be a mommy. I didn't remember when I dressed as Andrea I felt so much a woman, I felt so very alive not only to myself, but to the world as a whole."

"For twenty-four years I lived as others thought I should as a man doing everything I could to forget the girl who on her sixteenth birthday had the chance to be herself, the girl who had people who loved her for who she was. For twenty-four years I denied myself the right to decide who I was, all because one person decided they were protecting everyone else from someone who was only trying to be them-self."

"I have a boy friend who has waited for me for twenty-four years all in the hope he could again tell me how much he loved me and hear me tell him the words I did back then. He waited all that time for a girl who left him standing at a flagpole, his love never wavering. Today I have again told him the words I told him so long ago. Never once in all that time did he ever press me to try remembering that young girl who on the night of her sixteenth birthday suffered through the indignation of being beaten, and then on her way home been threatened with being arrested because she had used the restroom that was proper for her to use."

"For twenty-four years I was someone I hated. I did try to love. I married and after fifteen years of marriage was released from the marriage because my ex had been told all the stories about Andrea from my parents and sister, stories about how much they missed her and the antics she pulled growing up. She set me free because after hearing all those stories about Andrea and none about me she was finally able to piece together that Andrea and I were in fact the same person, so much of what was said and attributed to Andrea were things she knew I had done from asking me. As she got closer to figuring out the truth about Andrea she started asking me questions about things that made figuring out the truth easy, but also put a strain on our marriage that neither of us saw coming."

"I started working extra hours and volunteering to go out-of-town whenever possible. The more I was away the more she talked to mom and dad, the more she learned about the real me. One day I got a call from her while I was away telling me I no longer lived in her house and could pick my things up out of the storage shed in the back yard when I got back in town. When my plane landed I tried to call to have her pick me up and only got her voice mail. After catching a cab from the airport I went up to the door and found she changed all the locks on the house I looked where the spare key was always kept and found a note reminding me my things were in the storage shed and until I was gone she wouldn't be back."

"I packed all my things and found my bank account was also empty so didn't have any idea what I was going to do. I stopped by the office and found I still had my last paycheck since she closed out the account the day before it was to be deposited. So I was able to rent a storage unit and get an apartment. Once I was setup in the apartment I live in now I thought seriously about ending my life, I didn't see any point in living, everything I thought I wanted was gone and it didn't seem there was anything left. I found myself staring at the walls one day thinking how easy it would be to just end it, no more pain, no more loneliness, no more anything. I looked at the mail I received, there sitting on top was a letter from dad, did I really want to read it, no! Dad and I hadn't gotten along since I couldn't remember when. I opened the envelope and took the letter out not seeing the picture that fell on the floor in the process. As I read the letter I wondered at how it was written so set it aside and started opening the rest of the mail. After looking at it all I got up and went in the kitchen and turned the stove on. It's an old gas range and half the time it doesn't light without a match this time no matter how I tried it lit every time so I turned it off and went back to where I sat reading my mail. As I started to sit I saw a piece of paper and picked it up. I looked at the picture on that piece of paper and started crying, I remembered when it was dad and I started having trouble getting along now. It was the day that picture was taken, the day I had been so humiliated I ran to my room and took off the present my father had given me and threw it at my mother."

"I started crying and fell asleep that night crying, what had I done? Why for all those years had I fought with my father the one person who believed in me from the start. I looked at the picture again and started crying why had I forgotten, what happened that I allowed someone else to define who I was, when I had so many people who believed in me before that happened."

"I started going to a bar I heard transgender people hung out in looking for anyone who might know what it was I was going through. Someone to help me learn about me and help me again be me. Every night I reread that letter from dad and looked at the picture he sent me. I dreamed of being his little girl again, I started crying wanting to know how I was going to get clothes so I could again be Andrea. The bar I started going to seemed to always have someone who didn't have a ride home on Friday nights and a couple weeks after I started hanging out there I ran into one of the most wonderful people I have ever met in my life. I gave her a ride home and she offered me pretty much anything I wanted but what I really wanted that night."

"The next week this person was again there and invited me to join her and her friends. We danced a few dances and they said that bar was dead and wanted to go somewhere else. This beautiful woman and her best friend opted to ride with me and before I knew it we were at their place and they were dressing me up as me. I hadn't been dressed with the intent of being a girl since I was sixteen, but I knew that night it wasn't some Halloween custom I was putting on, this time I was drawing out the real me. The me who some twenty-four years earlier had hidden and refused to come out again. Once I was dressed I found the voice I'm using now is the only voice I have been able to use with rare exception. I stand before you tonight to say that since the night Connie and Amanda helped me see that Andrea is real, that she is deserving of a chance I have been Andrea and only Andrea. At no time since I got dressed have I dressed as a man. I'm here today to thank Connie and Amanda for everything they've done for me." I sat down and put my hands in my lap, hoping to hear others share a little from their experiences.

I sat there quietly listening to the others as they gave their introduction hoping I would hear words of hope. After six of the other girl introduced themselves a man stood up and introduced himself saying how he fought so hard trying to avoid the inter self he had. He knew first hand what I said was true because he had been at that dance that night, and even been shopping with my sister and I on different occasions. He said he knew about how I was beat up that night and all the things that had been said because he heard and saw them all first hand.

I tried to remember who this man might have been, but I couldn't remember. None of my sisters friends had shown an interest in anything male, they were all so feminine I just didn't see how... Then it hit me Ronnie had always been the one to help me pick out clothes she thought the guys would really go for. I looked at this guy a little more intently and he looked me in the eye and smiled. He nodded and I knew I was right this was Ronnie and I'm the one who gave him the courage to transition because I had lived so much of my early life as a girl when everyone said I was a boy.

When the meeting was over Ronnie came up and shook my hand saying I had influenced his decision by always dressing and acting like a girl. He told me he asked dad once if he knew why I gave up so easily, dad said he didn't know why his little Andrea had gone away, but he would never give up hope of seeing her again. Ronnie asked if dad had gotten to see me again as his little Andrea, and smiled when I told him he had. We talked about so many different things one of which was Fred and what we each knew about him and why his wife left him.

Ronnie told me he talked to her not long before she left and she said something about him having a collection of gay magazines and even having some womens clothes hidden away. She asked him to talk to Fred to see if he had the clothes for himself or if he had a girlfriend on the side who would wear the clothes. Ronnie told me he never did have that conversation with Fred because about the time he was going to they had broken up and he moved out-of-town and he had no way of contacting him.

I didn't get a lot of sleep that night thinking of everything I heard and thinking of Fred and what he had done to me. Early the next morning I grabbed a quick bite of breakfast and headed into my office to see what I could get done before anyone else got in. About a half hour before everyone else was supposed to be there Fred knocked on my door. I invited him in and as he took the chair I offered said he needed to talk.

"Andrea I... I..." he fell silent as though he didn't know how to ask he wanted to ask.

"How is the drawing coming Fred? I hope we can get started on the next phase soon."

He smiled and said he about had the plans drawn up and should have them by this afternoon. "Andrea I..." he looked at his hands and tried again. "Andrea I dress like a girl sometimes." He didn't look at me he just sat there staring at his hands.

I smiled and asked him what he wanted me to do about it. Just what was it he wanted. Did he want to be a girl? Did he feel like he was a girl when he dressed? What was the reason for dressing in womens clothes? "Fred I don't know what to say here. You know who and what I am, you found that out twenty-four years ago. So just what is it you want to know from me?"

He looked up finally, and smiled. "Andrea the day I beat you up was the first time I ever dressed like a girl myself. I knew who you were when I asked you to dance with me the first time. I knew you were there with your sister. I wanted to talk to you, to ask you if you would be my girlfriend with me as a girl too, but you seemed to act better than me and so instead I forced a kiss on you and tried to force even more. All the things I said to you I was saying to me, I hated what I was feeling I wanted to be a man, but the harder I fought the more often the desire to dress. The harder I fought the sexier I wanted to dress, the more I wanted to be with a man as a woman. Andrea you scared me that night because you were everything I wanted to be, you were a girl as much as any of the girls there, but you had something none of them had. You had a class that I knew I could never match."

I sat there not knowing what to say or do. Here sat the man who had tried to kill me but not for the reason I had thought all these years. He wanted to kill me because I set a standard he couldn't match and he was afraid to ask if I would be willing to help him find his true potential as a girl. I looked at the clock and what I had left on my desk, I had ten minutes before everyone was supposed to be there, but all the work I had was out-of-the-way. I asked Fred to let me get things lined out and we would be able to talk more about this in private.

Michael stuck his head in a moment later and I told him I needed to go take care of something and wanted him to see everyone got busy on the projects they had. He assured me he would see everyone was busy then reminded me I said we would start the annual reviews that morning so we could get them all done by the end of the week. I looked at Fred and told Michael what was calling me away for the morning couldn't be helped and I wanted him to start the reviews without me and catch me up on what I missed over lunch or after everyone else left for the day.

June came in right behind Michael wanting to knew what she should do if I wasn't going to be there, was she supposed to go back to the typing pool or what. I looked at her and said her days in the typing pool were history since I didn't think I could run things without her, if she didn't have enough work to keep her busy while I was gone she could sit in on the reviews with Michael and Jim. Michael gave me a look of total aw not understanding that by giving him the ability to do the reviews was making it so I could work on other things and showing I trusted him to make decisions and be more a part of the company.

I turned to Fred and asked if he was ready to go. He followed me out to my car and got in. "Fred tell me what this is about. I don't believe the first time you ever dressed was the day you beat me up."

He admitted that when he was little his sister would treat him like one of her dolls dressing him however she wanted for the day, always getting moms oohs and awes Jennifer he's so cute dressed like that. Mommy she's my little girl today. Oh I am sorry Jennifer yes I see she is very pretty.

He told me one day Jennifer said she was going to dress him up and then daddy would see he was really a girl too and he would leave her alone because Fred was so much prettier. He told me his dad came home and seeing him dressed like a girl would beat him the first few times telling him he was a boy and would dress like a boy. After the third or forth time his father came home rather than beat him, he instead made him sit in his lap. His mother would sit there watching as his father held him in his lap telling him he was a pretty little girl so now maybe it was time he learn how to be a girl since it was obvious he wanted to be a girl.

He told me his father had taken him in the bedroom and gotten undressed and had him start touching him saying when he got home from then on his new little whore would need to tend to his needs.

As he told me this I started getting sick, how could anyone treat someone else like that? No I wasn't naive enough to think things like this didn't happen. I knew they did. I just didn't want to think it could have happened so close to me and I never knew anything about it.

"Fred I don't think you are a girl, but I do think you need help, help I can't give, but I am willing to help pay for."

"I've been to therapists before, nothing but a bunch of people to lazy to get real jobs, if you ask me."

I asked him if he wanted help or not. Did he tell me that story just to get my sympathy, or did those things really happen as he said. I decided I needed to find out the truth about what was going on. I asked how long it had been since he had talked to anyone in his family. I was sure he would stay in touch with Jennifer, she was his only sister.

I asked him if I could call Jennifer to verify his story, it wasn't I didn't believe him as much as I didn't want to believe him. I knew Jennifer was sexually active even before she was out of middle school, but to have had your own father treat you in the manner Fred just described was to me unthinkable. He said he didn't care, but she would probably deny everything except maybe that she use to play dress up with him and dress him like a girl. He gave me the number and I handed him the phone when it started ringing. I hadn't realized I had the volume as loud as I did because I wasn't use to using the phone in any manner other than on the blue tooth I had for it.

"Hello, who is this?"

"Hi sis its me," Fred said. "I have someone here who wants to ask you a few questions about what it was like for us growing up. Sis it's Andrea the girl I beat up back in high school. I told her most everything about what happened to us growing up can you tell her I wasn't lying, that we really did go through what I told her." He handed the phone back to me.

"Hello Jennifer I'm Andrea."

"What did he tell you Andrea?"

I gave her a fast run down on what Fred told me. "Jennifer I'm transsexual and if Fred is I want to help however I can. I forgave Fred for what happened between him and I a very long time ago, I never thought I would ever see him again, but I'm sure he will tell you I have never treated him badly." She told me he talked to her daily and she suggested he tell me about what they lived through. When he told her he ran into me she told him he owed me for what he had done, and if he didn't at least ask for my forgiveness she didn't want to hear from him again.

She started telling me she dressed him like a girl, but it was because he wanted to be a girl just like her. She said he loved dressing like a girl, but their dad had beaten him the first few times then gave up and started treating him like a girl insisting that at home he dress only as a girl.

I thought back to that time and remembered he had long hair he always kept pulled back. So he was only allowed to be a girl at home, but what about the sex he claimed?

Andrea I have no problem admitting that dad is the one who took my virginity from me, but I don't know if that's true with Fred. When dad said Fred could only be a girl at home he started calling him Frankie saying his girls might have tough names, but they would be girl names.

She told me she did remember when their dad hosted his Friday night poker games he insisted that all his girls dress in matching mini skirts and boots and when the others got there telling them all the girls were available and all very experienced at pleasing. She said she hated those nights because two or three of the guys would always feel her up but it seemed they all really liked making sure Frankie got lots of attention.

She remembered more than once hearing her dad say if she tried half as hard as Frankie she would get to have the same privileges Frankie got. Frankie almost never had to sleep alone because she was always so eager to please his friends. She remembered one night when she was sick she saw the guys giving their dad money then taking Frankie to one of the other rooms, she found a place where she could watch and saw Frankie giving one man a blow job while another played with her ass. She remembered seeing for the first time that Frankie had the same thing these men had, but Frankie never got hard the way they did.

Not long after she witnessed that she said Frankie told their dad he wanted to have his thing like those men had removed, he wanted to be more like mom and her so she could have more men play with her at the same time.

"Andrea it's hard for me to think of Fred as Fred, for me he isn't a man but a woman who just has something most women don't. To me he will always be Frankie my little sister."

I looked at Fred and wondered if he still felt the same way he did that night. Did he still think of himself as a girl and did he still feel that his only worth was as a whore? I thanked Jennifer for being so honest with me and after hanging up turned to Fred.

"What is it you want Fred? Are you a man or a woman in your heart?"

"Andrea when June and I got married she knew what was going on. She wanted to be part of it, to see me dressed and whoring the way I had done for so much of my growing up years. At first she didn't take part in the sex but it didn't take long and dad had her wearing the same kind of dresses Jennifer and I wore. He said he wanted her to not let me wear anything but my whore outfits at home that if she would do that he was sure I would be able to take better care of her sexually. She agreed to meet his request telling me at home I was Frankie and she was going to start having men over to take care of both of us. She said dad told her if she made sure the men he sent over were treated well we neither of us would have to work again. You see she didn't see being a whore as work and watching me became a big turn on to her.

Within six months of getting married I was Frankie full-time, I hadn't ever consummated my marriage because on our wedding night June said she wanted me to dress as Frankie and watch me do my best man. She gave me a dress that barely covered my ass saying she wanted to see me getting fucked and if I did a really good job I could watch as the men fucked her. Never once have I ever been with a woman as a man."

I looked at him wondering why if he had suffered that, he wasn't more deranged than he was. How had he been able to maintain any semblance of sanity. "Fred what exactly is it you want from me?"

He smiled and just sat there, what was it he wanted from me. As I waited for an answer a couple men came up as though to talk to us. Fred nodded to them something I had done several times in the past when greeting someone without talking, so I didn't think anything about it. I turned my attention back to Fred and everything went black.

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  17. ##  Nightmares

When I woke up I was in my apartment with Fred sitting across from me. "What happened?" I asked when I saw him sitting there.

"I'm surprised at you Andrea, I thought you would have at least changed your name by now. Nope haven't changed you name or anything have you?"

"What's this about Fred?" I looked around and saw the two men were there as well.

"Well you see Andrea it's like this I tried to kill you once, but your sister and her boyfriend had to step in and stop me. When you never dressed again they lost interest in you thinking you were out of reach. I happened to be standing outside a known sex therapist watching who comes and goes when who shows up but the girl they wanted so long ago. You should have just let me kill you back then, so they wouldn't have been able to get you."

As my vision cleared I noticed Fred wasn't dressed the way he had been, but was now wearing a dress that did little to hide he had breasts and hips. I looked over at the two men there and saw they looked very much like Fred, but unlike Fred they were still dressed as men and looking very much amused. One of them came over to me and helped me sit up and sat next to me putting his hand on my leg rubbing gently.

"So what happens now?" I asked.

"First of all Frankie here is going to show you just how girly she can be, when she's done, you get to show how girly you can be. Now we're giving you a chance to recover a little because Jed there did hit you a bit harder than necessary it seems since it took you so long to come too."

How girly I could be? What in heavens name did that mean? I didn't have to wait long to find out though. As I sat there Jed stood up and Fred undid his pants and went down on his knees and started doing things I couldn't imagine even having read about them in the few mens magazines I had seen. The guy sitting next to me started pushing my skirt up even though the skirt I had on was so short sitting there my panties were in full view. He took my hand and put it in his lap holding onto it and started rubbing it up and down over his crotch. When I tried to pull away he gripped tighter and said either I did it without struggling or they would go after my sister and mother too.

When I stopped trying to pull away he let go of my hand and said he knew in time I would be a good little whore and he would see I had all the right equipment to handle any man if I did a good job. I rubbed his crotch because I didn't want these asses to even think of trying to get to Roxie or mom, they neither of them deserved to be treated the way these guys thought all women should be treated. I tried not to watch what was going on with Fred, but every time I turned away the guy sitting next to me grabbed my neck and said if I didn't watch it didn't matter what I did he would be sure to find my sister and help her learn to be just what her husband tried to get her to be. Jed started moaning and Fred stopped moving, a short time latter there was a knock on the door and Jed and the other guy both went very quiet telling me to answer the door but get rid of whoever it was. They reminded me they did know were Roxie and mom lived and if I didn't want anything to happen to them I would get rid of this person without letting them know anything.

As I answered the door it was Amanda and Connie, saying they had gotten a call saying something about me having left work and no one knew where I was and asking if everything was ok. I told them everything was fine, I didn't feel well so I came home. They saw how I was dressed, but didn't say anything, I saw in their eyes they wanted to know why I would dress in a manner that didn't fit who they were learning me to be. Connie said Jeff had figured maybe I was ill, but said he needed some papers signed and asked them to see about getting them signed if I happened to be home, she stuck a blank piece of paper in my hand and handed me a pen. They knew there was something going on that made it so I wasn't giving the answers they felt were more like what I might say. I simply wrote 911 on the paper and folded it thanking them for coming by and especially for bringing those papers by for my signature, but I really was feeling ill and wanted to get back to bed.

As I was shutting the door Amanda's phone rang and she pretended she had a blue tooth answering the phone as though it were Jeff and she said something about yes I was home in bed with some twenty-four hour bug and she was sure I would feel better in the morning. She assured him they had indeed gotten my signature on the papers and they were on their way back now.

"That was very good Andrea, now it's your turn to show us what you can do to take care of a man." The guy whose name I still didn't know said.

He turned me toward him and took my wrists and forced my hands down to the waist band of his pants. As I started to do what it was he wanted he pulled my skirt up and grabbed my panties and tore them off me. After he dropped them on the floor he grabbed my ass and said he was going to make sure he got me before anyone else, he wanted to have my cherry because it wouldn't be long and my ass would be so loose no one would want it any longer. As I got his pants undone he grabbed my arm again and dragged me over to the couch and wrapped a piece of surgical tubing around my arm cutting the circulation to my hand. As the veins in my arm started to protrude Jed came over with a needle and an alcohol swab and started cleaning over the vein.

When they started to bring the needle up to put in my arm I lost it and started fighting. I managed to knock the needle on the floor and break it so they would need a new one if I lost the fight, but I didn't plan on losing. Connie and Amanda by now had called the police and they should be on their way. I kicked the one guy in the crotch doubling him over wishing he were dead, then turned my attention to Jed. I hit him once in the nose breaking it and drawing a lot of blood. The next hit was a kick to his groin doubling him over as well. I brought a knee up into his jaw I'm sure breaking it and knocking him out. I turned back to the other guy who was just starting to recover from the kick I had given him and hit him in the nose breaking it, then kicking him in the jaw the same as I had done to Jed.

When they were both out I turned to Fred and asked why he had done this. He looked at what I had done to these two guys I suspected were his brothers and he started crying begging me not to hit him. Begging saying he was a good girl please don't hit him he'd do better next time he promised. I went over to him putting my arm around him telling him I wasn't going to hurt him. What I wanted to know was if these men had someone else who could go after my family. If they did what I had done may have just put Roxie and mom in danger and right now I needed to make sure they were safe. I called the sheriff's office there and told them mom and Roxie might be in trouble and asked if they could please check on them and make sure they were safe. I called the police and told them I had two men in my apartment who had tried to rape me and were now unconscious and tied up. I called mom and Roxie to let them know there might be trouble.

"Hello Roxie, are you and mom ok?" I asked.

"We're fine sis. We were just talking about you though, we had some guys come by here wanting to know if we knew you. Mom didn't like the way they looked so lied to them saying we had heard of you but there wasn't anyone by your name that lived here. They thanked us for our time and left. Sis what's going on?"

I explained what I knew to her and asked they be very careful because these guys played rough and they didn't care about anything but themselves.

After talking to Roxie and knowing they were alright I turned to Fred again and asked why. He looked at me with a blank face and I knew I was wasting my breath trying to find out anymore from him. I sat down waiting for the police to get there when Jed came to. He looked at me and then Fred, I'm sure he would have looked at the other guy to if he hadn't been tied to him with their backs together. He tried to say something, but all that came out was a long moan and I didn't really feel like I wanted to talk to this guy anyway so I turned on the TV and started watching one of the many soap opera's that were on that time of day. A short time later the police showed up so I invited them in to cart out the two idiots and asked if they would be willing to call for an ambulance because the other person who wasn't tied up seemed to be lost in their own little world.

The police asked if Fred was in with these two on what happened and I said no he was as much a victim as I was, but didn't have the means of fighting I did because they had been doing to him what they tried to do to me since he was a small boy. They took a look at the two I had tied up and asked just how bad they were hurt. I smiled and said that I really didn't know or care but I suspected they both had broken noses and likely broken jaws. I knew I had loosened more than a few of their teeth, but they were in my house trying to force me to do something I had no intention of doing and they were neither of them invited guests at any rate. As they took them out they said I was going to need to come to the station as well so I could press charges. I looked at the guy who told me that and asked them to stop were they were.

The one closest to me took a swing to back hand me and I came up just above his belt with a closed fist. The other one went to pull his gun and the real cops showed up just as I pushed his buddy into him knocking him off balance and making him either drop the gun or go over the rail on the balcony. When the gun hit the ground it went off and the cops started running pulling their guns. As they reached the floor all the ruckus was on they hollered for everyone to freeze. The guy who had pulled the gun jumped over the rail breaking his leg when he landed I think. He was curled up in a ball when one of the officers got to him.

Just as the police were putting the intruders in cars to take them to jail I hoped, Jeff showed up asking if I was ok. The officer in charge came up and said I was going to need to come in to give a statement, but as far as he was concerned the right people were in custody and if I wasn't up to talking right now he would understand, but the sooner I came in the better as this kind of crime seemed to have a way of being overlooked because I was trans and no one wanted to think I wouldn't have asked for this because I couldn't be content with how I was born.

Jeff went to say something about what the officer said being a very bigoted view, but I stopped him and told the officer I would be at the station as soon as I knew Fred was in good hands and I had taken a shower. He smiled at me and turned to Jeff.

"Sir if this lady is your girlfriend you better make sure you don't cross her. I wouldn't envy anyone who crossed her after seeing what she did to these guys." He walked away not looking back.

As Fred was put in the ambulance I asked where they were going to take him. I wanted him to know that I forgave him for what happened twenty-four years ago, but I also wanted him to know I didn't hold him responsible for what happened today either. He did what he thought he had to and had he done anything else he may have been dead by now.

"Jeff I really need to go talk to the police about what happened. I'm not sure I'll be in any shape once I get that over to return to work, can you let Michael know that it isn't likely I'll be back today and to please get as many of the reviews done as he can."

He looked at me and said if I was at work tomorrow he would send me home because he didn't see how anyone could be in any shape to work after what I had been through. "Andrea I don't get it, Fred set you up for this, yet you seem worried about what happens to him more than yourself. I just don't get it."

I smiled at him and said we could talk about it tonight when he picked me up to go dancing. And he better be picking me up to go dancing or it would be a long time before I would accept a date with him again.

He laughed and said he would be at my place about 7:00 and if I wanted to go dancing he would see I got as much dancing as I wanted.

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  18. ##  Giving from the Heart

Once Jeff left I got in the shower and scrubbed trying to wash those men off me, I used my best luffa until it was about worn out and the water was getting cold. I still felt dirty, but I did feel cleaner then I had. I went through my closet and found the most modest outfit I had and slipped it on, did my make-up more modestly then I ever remembered doing it, brushed my hair so it was nice, but nothing fancy. When I got to the police station I asked to talk to Sargent Baker and took a seat while they tried to locate him.

"Miss Jensen, I'm glad you could make it here so fast. Usually when we don't get a statement at the scene it seems the victim thinks waiting a few days will make it easier."

"Sargent Baker I want to get this over, but I most definitely don't want those men out on the street because I felt scared. I feel safer with them locked up then if they might be out where they could try something like that again with me or someone else."

Sargent Baker lead me to an interview room and as we entered I asked if there was going to be anyone on the other side of the glass recording what we said. He opened the door and waved me in asking me to please have a seat. As I looked around I noticed this room didn't have a two way mirror in it.

"So this is just the two of us huh?"

As I took a seat putting my purse on the table two other officers walked in and took seats across from me. Sargent Baker started by asking me to give my full name and any aliases I might use.

"I... My name is Andrew Lynn Jensen Jr. I now go by Andrea Lynn Jensen and hope to have my name changed very soon to be Andrea Lynn."

Each of the officers asked me questions, some that seemed totally unrelated to what happened, but as the questions were asked and I answered them the relevance of them started to come into play. After about three hours of questions they said we should take a break as we could all use a stretch, but also asked that I not leave just yet as there were several more questions they felt needed to be asked and they wanted to make sure they got to the bottom of this and got not only those involved here but elsewhere so they could make everyone safer.

I walked outside to try getting some fresh air as I knew there was the possibility the questions might go on for quit some time. While outside I called Jeff and said that 7:00 might be out as I was still at the police station and from the questions I might be there for quite a while yet. While I was talking to Jeff Sargent Baker came out and handed me a coke saying he thought I might like something besides water to drink. He sat on one of the steps and offered me a seat next to him and asked how I was holding up.

I gave him a half smile and said I'd be ok, it had been a long day and I just wanted it over. He smiled back at me and said he hoped it would be over soon too as he started that morning at 4:00 and he didn't think he would be going home again before 9:00. He told me he was curious about why I thought I was a girl. I looked at him and asked why he thought he was a boy. To that he laughed and said I was even. He went on to tell me he had a sister who said she was a boy and he wanted to know how he should treat her.

"Eric how do you think you should treat him?" I explained that gender and sex are not the same thing, that gender is internal while sex is external. He didn't have a way of telling what someones gender was other than to ask them because only the person knew what was inside. I told him a good place for his sister to start would be to find a good therapist that worked with those who are trans and go from there. I also suggested they find a good support group, it would make things easier since they wouldn't have to go it alone that way.

He asked if I could give him references for a good therapist and I said I didn't have the resources, but knew someone who did. I called Connie and asked if she would be willing to talk to Sargent Baker about it and gave him her phone number.

We returned to the conference room and the questions started all over again, this time asking for more detail. Mr Jensen is this how you always dress? Mr Jensen what makes you think you should dress this way? Mr Jensen... I screamed after the fifth time they called me Mr. I said if they wanted me to continue to cooperate they better stop calling me Mr. They all looked at me, but didn't apologize. Sargent Baker asked how I would rather be referred to if I found that title so offensive.

"You can refer to me either as Andrea, Miss, or Colonel, I'm not partial to any of them though Andrea is my name given to me by my father."

They all looked at me when I said dad had given me that name and wanted to know why my father would have given his male child a female name. I looked back at them and said he didn't give his male child a female name, he gave both his daughters female names, because they are both female in gender. Sargent Baker looked at me with that statement and smiled. So your father thought of you as a female? Why did your father think of you as female? Why did your father... on and on they went this time not even trying to bring it back to the relevance of what I was here for.

"I'm sorry, but if the questioning is going to be following the current line rather than trying to get to the bottom of what happened I'm going to leave. I get this enough from people on the streets and frankly I'm tired and hungry. If you want to ask questions that pertain to what happened and the likely causes, fine, otherwise I'm gone."

They all looked at me as though I had just taken their prize toy away, Sargent Baker said it had been a long day for everyone and for now he thought he had all he needed, but to be available for more questions should they need something further. They showed me to the door and once outside I took a deep breath and turned to where I parked my car.

"Is there a problem Andrea?"

I turned at the sound of Sargent Baker's voice and stomped my foot. "Yes there is a problem. I parked my car right here when I got here and it isn't here."

He looked around and saw a car in the next lot and asked if by chance I might have gotten the wrong lot and pointed over to my car sitting right where I parked it. I thanked him and headed for my car as I got to the car he opened the door for me and asked about the group I went to and if there were people like his sister that attended. I told him there were people in all the spectrum of the transgender community who went to the group meetings and even some who were there giving support to their family or friends who were trans. I gave him the times and dates of the meetings and got in my car. He thanked me and pushed my door shut.

I sat there wanting to cry, but having no tears come, why did it seem I was the one who committed a crime? I was the victim in this yet with the exception of Eric the questions asked seemed to make me out to be the villain. I thought about the questions they asked and the responses I had given. When I protested how they referred to me the questions turned to making dad the villain. I realized if I wanted equality it was going to take more than just saying I wanted it, I was going to have to prove I am who I say I am, but how?

I started the car and headed to the office hoping Jeff was still there. As I pulled in the parking lot Jeff was walking out to his car. I rolled down my window and said for him to get in, I wanted to talk and...

Jeff got in and I took off at a speed, that had the parking lot been full instead of empty I doubt I could have kept from hitting something. Jeff wanted to know what was going on with the way I was driving. I just looked at him and told him to shut up and put his seat belt on. When I came out of the parking lot I made a left without looking and heard tires squealing that weren't mine. I didn't care, if they didn't like how I was driving let them call the cops, right? I thought about that and slowed down I had my fill of cops for a long time. I didn't care if I never had to deal with another cop after the way they treated me because I wanted them to use my name, the name dad had given me.

When I slowed down Jeff again asked if there was something we needed to talk about. I said yes there was and asked him if he knew a great lawyer I could call. He smiled and asked how it had gone telling the cops about what happened. I told him there was no way I was talking to those ass wipes without a lawyer again. The questions they asked made me feel dirtier than what those men tried to do to me.

He said he knew a very good lawyer and if I turned right at the next side street he would introduce me to him and take me dancing all at the same time. He directed me to the same club Amanda and Connie had taken me to the night they dressed me up and I again remembered who I was as Andrea. Once we were parked he took my hand and said he wanted only the best for me always, when we got to the door he showed them his membership card and said we needed to get me one as well since about half the work we did took place here and he wouldn't always be able to be with me. I didn't bother trying to tell him I already had one since it was in my male name, a name I never wanted to use again. As we entered I told him I needed to use the ladies room and he said he would see if he could find his lawyer friend and meet me at the bar while we waited for a table.

When I emerged from the ladies room Leon was just entering and recognized me excusing himself from the group he was with to come over and talk.

"Andrea isn't it?" he asked.

I smiled that he remembered me and let him kiss my hand saying how good it was to see him again. He told me he was disappointed he hadn't heard from me since the night we met and I told him I had been very busy, with dad dying and all. He gave me a small frown saying he was sorry to hear that dad died, he hoped he might get better so he could share in the beauty that his little girl had.

I smiled and said he had, he did get to see his little Andrea one last time and he died very happy for the privilege of seeing all his girls together again before he left. I wasn't sad for his leaving us, he lived a good life and had always accepted me for whoever I chose to be.

I started looking around to find Jeff and Leon asked if he might help. I told him who I was looking for and he smiled taking my hand started off into the bar leading me to the table Jeff was sitting at.

"Good evening Jeff this beautiful creature said she's with you tonight."

"Hello Leon, I hope she is since she's the one driving tonight, if she leaves me here I'll have to call a cab to get back to the office to get my car." Leon smiled at the inside joke. "Leon do you know if Shawn is here yet?"

Leon said he was as they had arrived together and he would see about finding him and sending him over. He said he hoped it wasn't anything serious we needed to talk to him about. Jeff told him it was just business, but it was very important and couldn't wait until business hours tomorrow. Leon pulled a chair out for me and after I was seated he turned looking for Shawn and the rest of the party he had come in with. When he spotted them he motioned them to come over and pulled out a chair for himself, saying he hoped we didn't mind if the group joined us.

As the group Leon was with when I came out of the ladies room approached I tried to see if I could guess which of them was Shawn. When they all took a seat Jeff introduced each of them to me telling them I was his new partner and telling me what each of them did for a living.

He saved Shawn for last and once he had introduced us he said I needed some legal help on a matter that happened this morning and went on until just a short time ago. He asked Shawn if he knew anyone who dealt with criminal law and gave my hand a squeeze.

Shawn seemed to think the matter over for only a few seconds and asked what kind of criminal activity since the legal profession was becoming as specialized as the medical profession was. I asked him if we could talk about that in private as it was something I still felt very dirty about and didn't feel I could share it with everyone. He lead me over to a booth that seemed to be made just for privacy and asked what I needed a lawyer for.

"Shawn I was abducted this morning and taken to my apartment where the men who abducted me tried to force me into become a whore for them even threatening to abduct my mother and sister if I didn't do what they wanted. They tried to give me some kind of drug that I'm sure would have made me incapable of fighting them. I guess they didn't count on me having learned martial arts after what happened to me back in high school."

"Once I had incapacitated them and called the police a couple of their friends must have been monitoring the police band and come to get them out before the police got there. All four of them are now sitting in jail, but when I went in to give a statement the police asked questions that had nothing to do with what happened, when I threw a fit over how they were referring to me. I'm a male to female transsexual and have already gone full-time, but haven't yet changed my legal name. What I need is a lawyer who can be there anytime I have to deal with them to advise me and keep them from villainizing me."

He looked at me as though he didn't know I was there and said he wasn't sure he was the lawyer I needed though he did know someone who was very good, in fact they were the best in the business. He excuse himself saying he would be right back asking me to please wait until he returned.

When he returned he had Leon with him along with someone he introduced as Jason the best lawyer in criminal law he had ever met. Leon took a seat saying he hoped I didn't mind he was there because Shawn seemed to think his skills might be needed if what I said thus far were any indication. I smiled and said he was welcome to stay as I agreed he might be a great help in this.

I gave a quick run threw of everything that happened telling Jason there was noway I wanted to be alone with the cops again as I felt they were more interested in making me out to be the criminal then in getting the truth.

He said I should have had a lawyer there from the start, but wasn't surprised I hadn't had one. He said the police love it when someone forgoes their right to have legal council present whenever they question them. Anytime they contacted me again I should refer them to him and let them get frustrated a little so they would do their job properly. He would like me to come into his office in the morning about 10:00 so we could go over everything in greater detail so when the police did try to get me to answer more questions he would be prepared to see they asked and received only what they needed and didn't vilify me any further.

After getting that all set up we all joined the others and found the restaurant had a table ready for us. As we ate the talk at the table turned to me and getting my legal name changed to reflect who I am. Shawn said he would get the paperwork started and my legal name should be the name I wanted within a week or two. I asked him if it was possible to get the sex changed too as I wasn't a male, but all my records said I was. He smiled and said he would look into it but he wasn't at this time aware of how changing genders on legal documents was done, but would see that it was taken care of if it could be done before surgery to change my sex was done.

After dinner we all returned to the bar where everyone of the men insisted they needed to dance with me as there weren't enough women in our group to go around. Jeff and I danced the first dance together, followed by me dancing with each of the other men. By the time I had danced with everyone I looked at Jeff and smiled as we walked out to the dance floor. The dance was a very soft slow dance were we could hold each other close and sway with the sound of the music.

"I love you Jeff. I was so scared this morning and... I love you."

He kissed me, not a kiss that says I love you too, but a kiss that said I love you more than life itself, I love you enough I don't think I can go on any longer without you in my life. A kiss of need and affection. His kiss said more to me than any words he could have said. I thought I knew what it was to be a woman, but his kiss let me know I was just learning. It brought a need in me that I didn't even know existed, a need that said this man was the other half of me, the half that had been missing all of my life.

As we came off the dance floor we excused ourselves and I handed him my keys. He took them asking if I was sure. Was I sure I wanted him to drive, yes I was sure, because I knew I wasn't in any condition to drive and hadn't been from the time I left the police station. He didn't take me home he instead drove us to his place and asked me to come in. As he opened the door he suggested I take the bed and he would sleep on the couch, but he didn't want me to be alone tonight in case there were more of those men around. He kissed me then showed me to the bedroom and pulled out a dresser drawer that was full of womens nighties saying he had been with other women, but it never worked out because he loved me and they weren't me. I went through the nighties and found one that fit that wasn't to immodest for my taste.

How many times I had gone through Ellen's nighties even taking one or two with me when we were still married. When I would get home she asked why and I told her so I would have her with me always. I never put them on but I did sleep with them in the bed with me. There were a few times I woke up in the morning wearing them and not remembering how or when I put them on. Those mornings were the ones I always woke up feeling as though I had slept the whole night with no worries and were the nights that started out the worst for trying to get to sleep. Ellen would ask on those trips why the nightie was stretched out more than usual and I would tell her I was having a bad night and needed to feel her closer and somehow when I woke in the morning found myself wearing the nightie I had with me.

I found a robe hanging in the restroom and slipped it on and went out to talk to Jeff.

"Honey I think I want to move. I don't feel safe in my apartment now, can I move in here with you?"

He looked like I had just told him the moon was made of green cheese and I wanted him to get some for me. He started to say something then stopped and looked at me closer. He thought about what I had been through that day and what me living there might mean. He said we should get some sleep and in the morning if I still felt the same about moving in with him we could talk about it more, he took me back in the bedroom and insisted on getting me tucked in for the night. I took the robe off and hung it on the door of the restroom, when I came back in the bedroom he gasped. He hugged me and said he wanted me to live with him, but he didn't want me to feel he was only taking advantage of me.

As I got in bed he started pulling the covers up and I grabbed his arm pulling him onto the bed. He reached over thinking I just wanted a kiss and I told him I wasn't sleeping in his bed alone. He looked at me with shock in his eyes, and confided that he didn't feel it was a good idea to push things right now, besides he said he slept in the nude and he didn't want me to be embarrassed seeing him that way. I giggled at him and reminded him he didn't have anything I hadn't seen before and I wanted him in bed or I would leave and go to a motel, and I might stop somewhere along the way and see if maybe some guy would sleep with me so I didn't have to be alone. I rolled over on him and said I wasn't moving until he agreed to come to bed as it was late and he would sleep better in his bed than on his couch.

A short time later he was laying next to me with a sheet between us for his peace of mind, so he said. I rolled over putting my head on his chest listening to his heart beat while I ran one hand over his chest and belly. It didn't take long and his heart beat started getting faster and I moved my hand farther down with each stroke getting closer to his groin. I moved my head down a little onto his abdomen when his heart beat was such I thought it might come through his chest. Before long I felt his pubic hair and started rubbing that area alone going still lower with each circle I made. When I made contact with his penis the first time it jumped and I thought for sure he was going to stop me. He let out a soft moan and I ran my hand down again this time taking his penis in my hand and stroking it gently. He moaned again but still didn't say anything so I moved my head down a little more turning so I was more on my stomach, and started kissing his stomach softly occasionally sticking my tongue out licking a trail down his stomach. I scooted down a little farther on the bed and kissed his manhood sticking my tongue out tasting him for the first time in what I was hoping was going to be very many times. He moaned again lifting his hips a little as though he wanted me to do more so I took him in my mouth fully and savored the taste and feel of having him in my mouth finally.

He put his hands on my head and lifted me up toward him and asked if I was sure I wanted this. I again moved back down taking him in my mouth again and heard him moan loudly as he found release. I slid back up and asked if that answered his question taking him in my hand and rubbing gently. He rolled me over and slid his hand inside my panties and didn't find what he thought he would but smiled and rolled over on top of me.

"Mmm, what is this I find you have already had the surgery?"

I told him no I hadn't had the surgery yet, but I still wanted him inside me as he pushed inside the prosthetic I had on I moaned and he paused. I thrust my hips up wanting to feel him even deeper in me. He pushed again going in as far as he could and then lay there not moving. After he had been all the way in for a few seconds, that to me seemed like hours he started thrusting slowly building speed as he went. Before long I was moaning and thrusting with him trying to get even more of him inside me, when he stiffened and I let out a scream. Never had anything felt like that never in my wildest dreams did I expect to feel what I did as we climaxed together. I sank my teeth into his shoulder to try making myself quieter and he flinched and bent down and kissed me the same kind of kiss he had on the dance floor earlier. In short order he rolled off me and kissed me again telling me to get some sleep, rolling over on his back and drifting off to sleep himself. I lay my head back on his chest and drifted off in full contentment. When I woke up I slid off the bed and into the restroom getting in the shower to wash the night off. As I rubbed the soap over my mound the memory of how it felt came flooding back and I climaxed again not with the intensity of the previous night, but still tingling all over. As I started rinsing the soap off Jeff came in the restroom and said he thought moving in with him was a great idea. I opened the curtain and let him step in offering to wash his back. Once I had his back scrubbed I climbed out and dried off slipping on the robe I found the night before, and headed for the kitchen to see what he had I could fix for breakfast.

He came in as I was finishing up frying a couple eggs and said he didn't want me coming in to work for a few days, and I wasn't to go back to my apartment for any reason, if there were things there I wanted he would have some of the men from the office go move it from there to here, but I wasn't to go near the place again.

I thanked him and said I needed to be there when they packed or I would never find anything, and as long as I wasn't alone there I should be ok. He scowled at me but relented saying he wanted me away from there as fast as possible and to wait until the men checked in with me here before going over there, to which I agreed.

He ate the breakfast I fixed him so fast I doubted he even tasted any of it then poured a cup of coffee to go and headed out the door. I started going through his cupboards looking to see what he had in the way of food and sighed finding just what I knew I would. I found some paper and started making a list of things we were going to need if I was staying here. As I got about half way through making the list the phone rang. I let it go to the answering machine, and before the message even finished heard his voice asking me to please pick up.

"Did you forget something honey?" I asked.

He paused before saying anything then asked if there was anything in my apartment I wanted because he had several people who said they would be glad to help me move. I thought about it and looked at the list I was making. There were a lot of things I wanted from my apartment, but did I dare go there and get them.

"Yes there are several things I have that would make things easier, but you haven't said if I can move in here or not, and right now I don't have anywhere else to go."

He didn't pause as long this time, but said he would have the men meet me at his place and I could tell them what I wanted from mine.

No I wasn't playing that game if I was going to get the things from my apartment, I was going to go so I knew I got everything I needed. I told him ok because I knew he wouldn't be happy about me going back to my apartment even with the men from work there to protect me, but I wanted to get half of the things on this list and there were clothes and books and even some files at my place that needed to be retrieved. He said he was sending them as soon as they could get the supplies together and they would be there in some of the pick ups the company had, and Michael would be bringing my car back so I had transportation since he had used it to get to work because his car was already at the office.

A half hour after he called Michael showed up at the door saying the men were ready, but Jeff only gave them his address and none of them knew where I lived. He told me Jeff said I was to give them the address and the key, but under no circumstance was I to go near my place. I looked at Michael and asked how bad he wanted to help because if we were going to get my things I was going to be there to make sure we got everything I wanted to get. If these men were serious about helping they were going to have to accept my terms or they could all go back to work and I would take care of it on my own.

He looked at me and said he would need to call Jeff and tell him I refused to give them the address unless I went with. I smiled and asked him if he worked for Jeff or me. He took a step back and shook his head.

"Andrea you're putting me in a bad spot here, I don't have the answer to that. He said as long as you aren't at work I work for him, and here you're saying I still work for you."

"Michael if you work for him why didn't he give you the address the things you are supposed to be moving are at? Better still why didn't he tell you what it is you'll be moving?"

"Ok Andrea I work for you I guess, but I really should call him and let him know."

I said he could tell Jeff all about it when we were done, but as long as they were helping me move they weren't getting their jobs done so we needed to go so they could get back to work as soon as possible.

When we got in my car I handed him the list I had and said most of it was in my apartment and I wanted to get those thing at least, and I wanted to get at least some of my clothes if we had room. I gave each of the men driving the trucks the address in case we got separated telling them I would wait in the parking lot with the engine running until they all got there I wasn't masochistic enough to try going in alone.

When we got to my place there was a police car there and they had my apartment taped off. I waited for the rest of the crew to get there as I said I would then went to my apartment to find out what was going on. I grabbed the police tape and gave a jerk and opened the door being met by some big burly cop telling me no one was allowed there. I tried to look around him when Sargent Baker stepped up behind me.

"It's ok Hank she lives here and I'm guessing came to get some of her things."

The big ugly cop stepped aside and Sargent Baker waved for me to go ahead and enter. When the guys I had with me tried to come in as well Hank stopped them saying I was the only one allowed. I turned to Sargent Baker and he said it was orders I could only bring one of them with and the rest would have to wait outside. I asked Michael to come in and told the rest we would get what we could, but there wasn't any point in all of them sitting around there with nothing to do and to just leave one of the trucks and the rest of them should head back to work. They handed Michael the keys to one of the trucks and climbed in the other trucks and left.

"Ok Sargent Baker what am I going to be allowed to have from here?" I asked.

I took the note from Michael and handed it to Sargent Baker saying that I would like to at least get the things on that list and a few things not on the list. He handed the list back saying it looked like one of his wives grocery lists and said he was sorry but the food was all being taken in to look for drugs as they found the broken syringe and wanted to make sure there wasn't any chance the food had been tampered with. I shook my head and asked about my computers and the files I had from the office and my clothes. He said those things were all ok for me to take, but he hoped I didn't want to take much of anything else since it wasn't likely he would be able to allow me access to much of it and wasn't sure when he could let me have it back.

As I started taking my desk top computer apart one of the plain clothes officers asked about the program fills I had on my computer, and one file in particular. He told me the name of the file and I laughed saying it was a very private file and very heavily encrypted. He smiled and said he had noticed, he had spent over three hours trying to figure out the encryption and still hadn't been able to. I smiled again and told him I had written the encryption code and I wasn't sure there was anyone other than myself my sister and my boyfriend who would ever be able to decipher what was in that file because it was very personal and no one's business as long as I was alive. He smiled at me and winked that he understood now why it was the way it was.

As I got the computer apart Michael started taking it down to the truck as I started packing other things to take. I got all the clothes I cared about taking and started gathering the files from work when some plain clothes cop asked what I thought I was doing removing evidence. I looked at him and said if he didn't have a badge he better shut his mouth and get out, or he would be the fifth person whose ass got kicked by a girl half their size. He didn't reach for a badge but instead said if I thought I could kick his ass to go for it. Sargent Baker came around the corner just then and called him lieutenant something or other I missed.

As the guy turned to him he continued that if he were smart he would back off because two of the guys I had beat up were still listed as permanently disfigured. The lieutenant looked at me and showed me his badge asking who said I could remove things from the apartment. Again Sargent Baker spoke up saying he had as the things I was taking had been approved by the captain should I come by wanting to get some of my things, holding out a piece of paper so the lieutenant could see for himself that nothing I was taking was considered as evidence pertinent to the case.

The lieutenant looked at the paper and turned away muttering something about civilians interfering in police business. I took out my phone and called Jason telling him I had a very insubordinate police lieutenant here trying to stop me from getting some of my things from my apartment. He said he would be there shortly and not to try taking anything else until he got there. Michael came back in and asked what else he needed to take out and I told him to have a seat we were now waiting for my lawyer to get there to see just what we could and couldn't take. He came over and took a seat next to me on the sofa and we started talking not caring if the police heard what we said or not.

When Jason got there he walked in and clapped Sargent Baker on the back in a friendly manner asking who was in charge. Sargent Baker turned to the lieutenant and just pointed. Jason walked over to the lieutenant and cleared his throat.

"I understand you're trying to prevent my client from trying to get her things!"

The lieutenant turned around and looked Jason in the eye asking just who the hell he thought he was. Jason smiled and said he was the person who would make sure he was walking a beat because it was obvious that he couldn't be trusted with anything more important. The lieutenant laughed and told him to get the hell out this was a crime scene and civilians weren't supposed to be there. Jason turned to Sargent Baker and asked where this clown came from that he could be a lieutenant and not know who he was.

Jason took out his phone and made a call asking to talk to the chief, then waited a few seconds. The lieutenant took his phone and closed it taking Jason by the arm and throwing him out of the apartment. A short time later Jason came back in with three guys wearing suits, as they entered he pointed at the lieutenant and they went over pulling badges and told him he was under arrest for obstruction. When he tried to fight they grabbed him throwing him on the floor and twisting his arms behind his back and putting handcuffs on him. When they had him back on his feet Jason went over and told him the next time he asked a question he better be a little nicer about answering it or he would make sure the idiot lost his badge and would never get another one anywhere.

Jason turned to me asking what all I wanted to get saying anything but the food was mine and I could take it without any more questions. I thanked him and said all I cared about now were the few boxes of things the lieutenant had been tearing apart when he had gotten there. He gave Michael and I a hand and once we had everything in the truck he asked what I planned to do about the rest of it.

"Jason as far as I care they can burn it, bury it, sell it, or just give it away. I was hoping I might get the food stuff, but since even you couldn't get me that I'll just buy new and let the rest go."

He smiled at me and said he thought my idea of letting the cops dispose of it was a good idea since they interfered with me getting it in the first place. He wished me luck in my new place wherever it was and said he wanted to talk to me more about what happened, but it could wait a day or two, and he would give me a call when he was ready.

Once we got the things back to Jeff's place I thanked Michael and asked if he had the reviews done. He told me he hoped to finish them up today when he got back to the office and hoped I approved of how he had done them.

"Michael I have every confidence in your ability to look out for the company, but more importantly to take care of the people under you in a manner that is fair. I told you before I don't want to have to watch over your shoulder and you are as good at this as I am. Remember until I remembered I was Andrea I wasn't any higher on the ladder than you were, now we've both moved up a rung or two."

He laughed at my analogy and said he was doing his best and he appreciated that I had so much confidence in him and his dedication to the company. We talked a few more minutes as I put my clothes away and reminded him he had work at the office to do and he wasn't getting it done standing there flirting with me, nor was flirting with me winning him any brownie points. He gave me a hug and said he hoped I would be back soon and he would do his best to run things until I was. I gave him a kiss on the cheek and thanked him for everything he was doing, but to not hold his breath waiting for me to return because I might not return, what happened had shaken me pretty badly and the cops rather then helping, had only made things worse in how they treated me so far.

Once he left I finished making the shopping list, grabbed my purse and headed out the door. As I got in the car I remembered I hadn't checked on Fred since they had taken him to the hospital and I wanted to know how he was doing and if there was anything I could do to help him. So I turned for the hospital rather then the store, hoping I hadn't missed visiting hours.

Once I found out where he was they showed me to his room saying he hadn't changed since he arrived, he just kept going on and on about how Andrea should have just let him kill her when he tried back in high school. I watched through the window as he sat in the room muttering to himself rocking back and forth. I asked if I could visit with him as I did know him, perhaps seeing me he might snap out of whatever held him.

They said if I went in and he became violent he might hurt me before they could help, but if I was willing to take the risk they were willing to let me.

"Hello Frankie," I said entering the room. "How are you?"

He looked up and smiled "Andrea I...," he frowned losing what it was he wanted to say.

"It's ok Frankie I want to help if I can."

He smiled again. "I almost have that new floor plan for you Andrea. I put a lot of time into it I'm sure you'll like it."

"I'm sure I will Fred. Can you tell me who those men were?"

He looked down and frowned again. "They didn't hurt you did they? They said if I did what they wanted they wouldn't hurt you. They always say that though and then hurt people. Andrea I hate them, they make me do bad things. I don't want to do bad things, but they make me. They give me that shot and then I can't stop from doing what they want. They promised me that with you they would let me be a real girl finally. They never promised that before, but you were special you have power they never had anyone with power before."

"Who are they Fred?"

"The big one he's my dad the other one that's uncle Jed, he isn't too smart. The ones that were playing cops were my brothers they were there in case something went wrong, they aren't very smart either. How did you get away from them Andrea?"

I told him after he beat me up in high school I took karate lessons and was now a black belt and very capable of taking care of myself if I have too. He laughed at that and said he figured it had to be something like that. He said his dad knew some karate, but he figured that his size was enough no one would ever try crossing him.

After spending about an hour talking to Fred I went to the store and bought the things I had on the list and a few things I didn't, but looked good and were on sale. When Jeff got home I had a candle light dinner ready for him, and told him as soon as he was out of the shower I would have the rest of the surprise ready for him. He looked around the apartment and smiled thanking me for cleaning it up. He went and got in the shower and I got out the best evening gown I had along with a pair of three inch heels and went in to see how he was doing. He said he would be a few more minutes so I started putting on my make-up making sure the water temperature changed making him take a little longer and shout every time it did.

"Is there something wrong in there," I asked innocently.

Nothing I can't get use to if you're going to run water while I am in the shower. I finished putting on my make-up and getting dressed then went out and turned on some soft music. As he came out of the restroom he smiled seeing how I was dressed knowing I was in the mood for a quiet evening alone with him.

I poured each of us a glass of wine and set the plates at our seats. He didn't swallow the food near as fast this time taking time to savor each bite. He smiled at me and asked where I learned to cook, that even the best restaurants he had been to couldn't match the meal I'd prepared. I thanked him for the compliment wondering at just how true his statement was. I had eaten at some high class restaurants that were outstanding and I knew I couldn't match the food they made. I was proud though that he liked my cooking it made it easier to tell him I didn't want to go back to work, I was enjoying being a house wife and was very content to be just that. He said we needed to talk about it that he liked the idea, but for now hoped I would be back to work before long.

Once dinner was done he helped me clean up and we danced for what seemed minutes, but was closer to two hours. He gave me a kiss and said something about he was going to be out-of-town for a few days toward the end of the week and asked if I would be ok without him there to take care of me. I giggled that it seemed to me he had that backwards as it looked like it was me taking care of him more than the other way around. He laughed and said I could look at it however I wanted. We talked a little more about me going back to the office when the phone rang asking if Andrew Jensen was living at this address and was available.

I wanted to say no that we didn't know anyone by that name, but recognized the voice. "What do you need General Collins?"

He again asked if Colonel Andrew Jensen was available.

"General, Andrew Jensen retired from the Air Force eight years ago at your request, now if you want to tell me what it is you want I might be able to find him for you, but I wouldn't count on it."

"Andy is that you? I would have sworn it was a woman, but I thought you were a woman most of the time I knew you. Andy we need to talk, where can we meet this is a matter of national security."

"General we don't have anything to talk about, you made it quite clear that I wasn't welcome in this countries Air Force any longer and if I wasn't willing to change I wouldn't ever be welcome back. Well General I have changed, but not in the way you meant, and in that way I have no intention of ever changing. So you want to meet me fine it is the me I am now you will meet and that isn't Andy."

There was a long pause so I asked if he still wanted to meet with me for some reason.

"Col I don't have a choice, I'm in a situation that I need someone with your skills and tactics."

I thought about the way I had been forced into retirement. "Andy your tactics need to change or you're going to have to retire."

"I don't understand Jim for twenty years my tactics have saved countless lives and now they're too barbaric? I'm sorry Jim but I've seen the tactics they say they want used and they get people killed, I can't risk my team that way, in my unit we all come back or we none of us return."

"When can we meet Andy?"

I snapped out of the memory and thought about the question. "Jim you want to talk to me, you come to me, I'm not coming to you."

"Give me a time and place and I'll be there, Andy this is that important."

I told him I would be in my office in the morning and he could meet me there when ever was good for him.

I looked over a Jeff and saw he was asleep so figured I would let him know my old commanding officer wanted to talk to me tomorrow so I would be in the office at least until he showed up, but I was still serious about retiring and being a housewife as soon as Michael was ready to take over running his department on his own.

"Hello Michael," I smiled as I entered my office. "Is there something you needed?" I asked as I sat at my desk and started going through the papers stacked there.

"Good morning, no I didn't expect you to be here for a few more days anyway."

"So you've been using my desk instead of yours huh?"

He told me that the papers were there for me to look over when I got back and he was using his desk still. "Andrea there's a General Collins looking for you, but he's asking for Andy not Andrea."

I smiled and asked him to show Jim to my office when he was sure Jim was totally flustered from everyone saying they didn't have any idea who he was looking for. About an hour later Michael showed up at my door with Jim in tow, as he stuck his head in he said there was a General Collins to see me.

"General please come in," I said.

He came in and I asked him to please have a seat. "So Jim what is it you wanted to talk to me about?"

He looked around not sure what to say. The last time we had seen each other was the day he told me I had to change or retire as I was old school and the new Air Force didn't have room for those like me.

"Andy?"

"Andrea, Jim my name is Andrea now, and it should be legal in a day or two. Now what is it you wanted to talk about?"

He thought about what it was he was here for and said he hoped my office was secure as what he wanted to talk about was of highest secrecy and he was here only because he knew I could handle the situation that he wanted to discuss because I had handled several missions similar without losing anyone doing it.

"Jim if this is classified lets go for a ride and talk about it in the car. I have a friend in the hospital I need to see and you seem to think I'm the only person that can handle whatever it is you have."

On the way out of the office I saw Rudy standing by Michael's office as though waiting to talk to him. "Hello Rudy what do you want here?"

He turned to me and started to say he was here to talk to Michael or someone who had the ability to hire as he was hoping he could get his job back. I told Jim I needed to take care of this because Michael would refer him to me anyway. "Have a seat Rudy. What makes you think we want you back?"

He explained he had been everywhere that did the kind of work we did and we were the only ones accepting resumes and he really did need a job. He said he understood he wouldn't be in a supervisory position, but he was willing to do whatever we had available and wouldn't cause trouble if we were willing to take the chance with him.

I thought about the trouble he had caused before and the quality of the work he did. He was very good and that was what had gotten him his supervisor position before, I looked him in the eye and asked him if he had any idea just who I was. He looked at me for a minute and his mouth fell open as it dawned on him just who he was talking to.

"I...," he closed his mouth and looked down as though he knew he wasn't going to get anywhere with getting his job back.

"Rudy I'm looking for two programmers and you are one of the best I know. The big problem I have with you is you think you don't make mistakes and get offended when someone disagrees with you about something. If you do that there won't be a third chance, but I'm willing to give you a second chance. Michael is the head of the department and it is him who will let you know were your desk is and get you set up. Be here at 7:00 in the morning ready to work or this chance is gone."

He looked over at me and thanked me for giving him the chance, then asked if he could wait until the following Monday to start as he had some personal things he needed to take care of. I looked at him and scowled. I told him as far as I was concerned if he wasn't in his desk in the morning he didn't work for me and never would, whatever it was he had would either have to wait until he was on his own time or he could continue to look for a job else where. He promised he would be there in the morning and I wouldn't be disappointed for giving him this chance.

"Kind of rough on him weren't you?" Jim asked.

"Lets go Jim before I change my mind and tell you I don't care what it is you want I'm not interested."

Once we were in the car he filled me in on just what it was he was here for. How we had a hostage situation and the state department didn't want to deal with the terrorists, but the hostages were of such import that the congress was saying if we didn't give into the demands we better come up with another way of getting them back. As I drove to the hospital listening to what he said I remembered the time he had given me a scenario very similar and in the end pulled the support out from under me nearly costing my team their lives. I let him know if I did this I wanted my team back and I did things my way with no interference or I was out. He agreed but said one of my team wasn't available as he was dead, and it was up to the rest of the team since they had all followed me into retirement. He said he would make any personnel files available to me to replace anyone who wasn't willing to come back at my personal request.

I asked who it was that died. When he told me it was his son I told him how very sorry I was and the personnel files I would want were for pilots, preferably with combat experience. I asked how much time I would have to get my team ready because it was going to take time to work any new members into the unit.

I pulled into the hospital parking lot and asked if he wanted to join me while I visited Fred. We went in and had to go through the pediatric ward. As I past one of the rooms I looked in seeing a little girl who reminded me of when I was growing up so I stopped and went in. she looked up at me as I entered smiling and saying hi.

"Hello, I'm Andrea what's your name?"

"Michelle," she said.

I sat on the edge of her bed and asked if that was her real name or just the name she liked best. She giggled and asked how I knew and said her real name was Michael. I smiled at her and told her a little of my story. She told me her parents both called her Micky for short and told her if she was a girl they were just as happy as they were if she was a boy. I asked why she was there and as she told me I blanched with anger. How could something like this happen to someone so young, someone with so much life. She told me her mom and dad wanted the Dr to be able to help her, but they didn't have the money and now her daddy was out of work and she just hoped he got a job soon so they wouldn't have to be homeless, she knew God would come through because her parents told her he always provided for those who believed and had faith in him to provide.

I felt the tears start running down my cheeks as she told me how God had worked in her life, thinking of all the times he had worked in mine. After visiting with Michelle for about 20 minutes a nurse came in saying we needed to leave as Michelle needed her rest. On the way out a Dr stopped waiting for us so he could enter.

"Dr what's going to happen to her?"

He stopped and turned to me. "She has about six months unless we can start treatment soon."

I asked why they couldn't start treatment and felt sick when he said the family didn't have the money for the treatment and they didn't qualify for state assistance. I looked back through the door and told him he needed to start treatment and if need be I would pay for it, but Michelle had a greater purpose then dying at such a young age. I handed him my card and told him I didn't care what it cost, she was to get the best care the hospital could offer. He took my card and thanked me saying he would let the family know the treatments were paid for and should be started as soon as possible.

I headed down to Fred's room with Jim on my heels.

"Andrea tell me why did you do that for that kid?"

I stopped and he almost ran me over. "Jim that kid reminded me of me when I was that age, but I didn't have my mothers approval. If I can give her the chance at a life I was denied I will."

He went to say something but stopped before anything came out. I think he finally realized I had always been Andrea, but no one knew it aside from those in my family. I stopped at Fred's room and looked through the window to see if there was anyone there. As I stood there looking in on Fred the Dr said there had been a set back since I had been there last, but that was just yesterday surely it wasn't as bad as they were making out it was.

I asked if it was ok to go in and the Dr laughed. "Miss Jensen you did more in the short time you were here yesterday than our staff could do with all the time we spent trying. You don't even need to ask from now on you're welcome anytime."

I went in and asked Jim to wait outside while I checked on Fred. "Hello Fred, I hear you haven't been doing good today. Care to talk about it?"

He looked up and smiled. "Andrea I'm so glad to see you. Its dad, he came and saw me last night and said he was going to really make you pay for what you did to him, uncle Jed and my brothers. He said he was going to see you went to hell both in this life and the next. I was so scared he hurt you."

I assured him he didn't need to concern himself about me, the girl he beat up back in high school was a big girl now and capable of taking care of herself and nothing his father could do would make me live in hell in either this life or the next.

He smiled and I asked if he wanted to meet Jim the man who wanted me to do something I wasn't sure I wanted to do. He said if he was a friend of mine he wanted to meet him, but couldn't understand why a friend would ask another friend to do something they didn't want too. I invited Jim to join us and we talked for well into an hour and I really needed to get back to work. I told Fred not to worry about me I had some great friends who would make sure his father and brothers couldn't hurt me, and those friends had earned that kind of trust many times over.

On the way back out to the car I was stopped by a woman who seemed somewhat familiar, she said she wanted to thank me for everything I was doing for her daughter and she didn't know how her family could ever repay me for the kindness I had shown. I told her I didn't need any thanks but to see Michelle grow up into a beautiful woman. As I turned to go Rudy was standing there with tears on his cheeks. He said he would do anything he could to repay me for the kindness I showed his daughter, that when he saw me earlier that morning he didn't know what to think, that since adopting Michelle he hoped he didn't seem like he couldn't accept me and the choice I was making. He would do all he could to help others learn what he had about GID and those who suffer it.

"Michelle is your daughter Rudy?"

He nodded and thanked me again both for the help I was giving Michelle and the chance to work again. I shook my head trying to make sense of what was happening. I helped a girl without knowing anything about her other than she reminded me of me, and she turns out to be the daughter of a man I hadn't wanted to give a second chance but had for some unknown reason gone against what I wanted to do. God does work in strange ways and it seemed that this was one of the strangest. Was God trying to tell me he made me the way he did because no one else could or would help where help was needed? I told Rudy to come in on Monday and that if he came in before that he would be sent home.

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  19. ##  Challenges Untold

General Collins thanked me for my time and asked when I would be ready to give him my answer. I slowed down trying to take more time getting back to the office because I knew if I didn't give him one by then he was going to hound me the remainder of the day.

"Colonel Jensen this mission is of the utmost importance."

"General every time you give me a mission it is of the utmost importance. What I want to know is will the support be pulled again like it was last time, or can I count on help once I have the people in a safe location? Last time nearly got us all killed."

"Andy I want to say yes the support will be there, but I hope you can come up with contingent plans because I can't make that promise."

"I see, so what you're saying is these prisoners are important, but not important enough to make sure they come out in one piece. Jim I've never turned down a challenge you have given me, and I'm not going to start with this one. I do however have one request, that my team be given full acknowledgment of our accomplishments when this is over. They have each earned the highest honor this country has to offer and I think they should receive something if not that."

"Jim what are you doing here? What makes you think I'm ready to do now what I wouldn't do that forcing me into retirement?"

He looked out the window and said he didn't want me to follow protocol, he wanted me to get those people out before any of them died, or the congress started giving this country away in hopes of getting them back. "Andrea I want this mission accomplished and no one hurt, you're the only person I know that can do that. You've proven it to many times for me not to believe you can do it."

"Col what are we supposed to do now. If we stay here we're all dead, but our help isn't here?"

"Sargent we do what we always do, we keep our heads and come up with an out. The only thing I won't accept is that we can't find our way out of here and that we can't take these men with us."

"Sir we're out of ammo and..."

"Sargent no excuses. We need ammo we take it from the enemy along with their guns and anything else we need. Now get the men together and let's come up with a plan."

"Jim I'll take this assignment, but it comes with conditions. Don't give me that look I'm no longer military so I can set whatever conditions I want, you can either accept them or not. You don't accept them you'll have to find someone else."

"Give me your conditions Andrea."

I laid down the condition of what it would take for me to agree to do this job, and Jim wanted to know when the unreasonable demand was coming when I finished. I made some in my opinion heavy demands and he acted like I had asked for nothing. He let me know he had already figured that the demands I made were the ones I would make along with a few I hadn't mentioned. When we were done he asked when I would be ready to start getting the men back in shape. I pulled in the parking lot parking in my spot before saying anything. He hadn't batted an eye at the demands I made even adding more demands to the ones I voiced, and now all he wanted was to know when I wanted to start training.

I got out of the car and walked in the building stopping at Jeff's office telling him we needed to talk, then stopping at Michael's office telling him Rudy wasn't allowed to start until Monday and he would be running things for an indefinite time as something came up that was going to take me out-of-town for an undetermined amount of time. I headed for my office and took a seat while I waited for Jeff to get there.

"You might as well have a seat Jim, until Jeff gets here I'm not giving you an answer."

As Jeff entered I asked him to close the door and have a seat. Once he was seated I looked at Jim and told him I wanted the men assembled at the reserve base here by Monday and I wanted files on all the top pilots he had in every branch of the military. If I was going to do this I wanted the best by my standards in my pilots not what the military thought was the best.

Jeff looked at me then Jim and finally asked what this was all about. I smiled and looked at Jim as though I expected him to lay it out for Jeff. When he didn't say anything I looked back at Jeff and told him I was being called back to active duty in the Air Force. That the mission was classified but they seemed to think I was the only one that could do it. I let him know I had accepted the assignment but still loved him, that the only reason I hadn't talked to him before accepting was the nature of the assignment and the fact it was classified top secret. I told him I didn't know how long it would take, but however long it took I would think of him every minute of every day until we were together again.

Jeff said he remembered that I was still in the Air Force when I first came to work with him and if the military needed me he would do his best to understand. He turned to Jim and gave a look that would stop a lesser man in their tracks telling him that if anything happened to me he would never forgive him for coming to me for this. He was taking his love away for who knew how long, so soon after she came back in his life and he couldn't stand not having her by his side for very long.

Once Jeff said all he wanted to say I told him I had already told Michael I didn't know how long it would be before I would be back as there was something calling me out-of-town for an undecided amount of time but I would be back as soon as I could.

The team started arriving on Sunday shortly after I got out of church, so I headed for the airport as soon as church was out. Amanda and Connie insisted they had to come to the airport with me saying they wanted to see the men that were so important to me as to take me away for who knew how long. When we got to the airport I told them they would have to wait in the main part of the airport as I didn't think I could get them through security, but they insisted that they were going with and security be damned.

"Sorry ma'am but no one is allowed beyond this point unless they have a ticket. I pulled my ID card and pointed to Amanda and Connie and said they were with me. The security officer looked at my ID card and escorted us around the remainder of the security telling us where the gates my team were coming into were. I looked at the paper I had with who was coming in and on which flight asking Amanda and Connie to give me a hand by finding the men at some of the gates and bringing them to gate 7 where I would be. As Kent came down the jet-way I heard several women gasp and saw a few men step aside letting him have plenty of room because of his size.

"Well now I have seen everything," I said.

He stepped off the jet-way and looked me in the eye.

"You must be Col Jensen's little sister, you look just like him."

I smiled at him and asked if he wanted to try taking me like he had the first time we met. He looked at me a little closer and apologized saying he didn't recognize me from the changes I had made. I smiled at him and said not to worry as I hadn't changed all that much just put on a different uniform. He laughed and said he didn't remember me having such nice legs but then we were usually dodging bullets and who in their right mind looks at legs at a time like that. He reached down picking me up off the floor and gave me a big bear hug setting me gently back on my feet.

"It's good to see you again ma'am."

Amanda came walking up the corridor with a man on each arm smiling like she had just been given everything she could want in life.

"Andrea you didn't tell me they were going to be so handsome," she beamed.

Not far behind her was Connie with two more of my men on her arms with the same silly smile on her face. We headed for the baggage claim gathering the guys duffel's and seeing which of them wanted to go with me and which with Amanda and Connie. Kent came with me and the others all opted to ride with Amanda and Connie which was fine as far as I was concerned since I wanted to talk to Kent alone anyway.

"You didn't any of you seem surprised at how I'm dressed Kent."

He explained that they all stayed in touch and heard I made some major changes since the last time they had seen me. He added that everyone of them on hearing about it said good for her, I was wondering when she would wake up and see herself for who she is.

I was dumb founded for what to say as I hadn't known they all saw me as a woman. We talked about what all they had done since I had retired and I found out as soon as each of them reached the end of their enlistment they had all opted out because things just weren't the same after I was gone. As we pulled through the gate at the reserve base the MP on the gate challenged me saying we didn't have authorization and would have to turn around. I asked him for his name to which he just repeated himself saying we didn't have clearance and would have to turn around. There was a Captain sitting in the guard house so I demanded that he get his Captain and if he couldn't find that I did indeed have clearance I was going to kick both their asses and hang them from the light pole.

When we sat there about five minutes the Captain came out asking what the problem was so I told him.

"I'm Colonel Jensen. I have some of my men here and I need to get them settled in the barracks."

He looked at a paper he had and said we weren't expected until the next day, if I was really Colonel Jensen what was the password of the day. Kent went to open his door but I grabbed the Captain by the collar and pulled him through the window.

"Captain let me see that piece of paper you have so we can get this all cleared up."

I took the clipboard and looked at it. "Captain you are at best a weekend warrior and you really want to try playing your silly games with a full bird with combat experience? Now if I were you I would be asking myself is this little game of power worth it or should I just admit my mistake and let Colonel Jensen and her party through without any further problems. This Captain is where you decide to let Colonel Jensen through without any more delay because you know you've already screwed up enough she has every right to get out of her car and make mince meat out of you. Do you understand me Captain or do I need to get out of my car?"

Kent looked over at the Captain and smiled saying he was lucky it was her dealing with him or he would already be crying for his mommy. He let the Captain know the car right behind us was part of our group and if he even though of slowing them down on the way through the gate moving or not he would come back and stomp his ass. When we got within sight of the barracks we saw there were at least a dozen MP cars waiting for us.

"Up for a little fun Kent?" I asked.

His eyes lit up and I pulled over getting out and going back to talk to Connie and Amanda.

I explained what my plan was and the guys all got out of the car. Amanda walked up to my car asking what they should do when they got to the barracks. I told her to just sit in the cars with the windows up and keep their hands on the steering wheels or these guys were likely to shoot first after what I'd done at the gate.

"Amanda don't worry we'll be there before you know it then we won't have anymore problems with these weekend warriors. Just drive slowly but not to slowly as to draw them to come out to stop you ok?"

She shook her head and got in putting her seat-belt on. By the time they were moving again the guys and I were half way to the barracks and moving fast. I watched as they went seeing that none of them had lost anything since the last mission we did together.

By the time the girls got to the barracks what I had of my team had already removed half of the weekend warriors that were there, and were working on taking out the few who remained. Amanda had followed my orders to a tee and when Kent knocked on the window she jumped. She looked out the side window and opened the door with a look that said he was dead if he ever scared her like that again. When the guys came out of the barracks with Jim and a Major in tow I laughed.

"Jim the least you could have done is let these weekend warriors of yours know they were facing the best."

"That is quite a team you have there Colonel. These were the best I have and for you to have taken them all out so quickly with so few men. I'm impressed, ma'am the General did say you were good, but I had no idea you were that good."

Kent looked at me and started laughing, as did the other four men standing there. It took all I had to keep a straight face and not join them in going into hysterics. "Major if this is the best you have this place is in desperate need of help. This is only a small part of the team I have and they didn't even put any effort into disabling your men," I turned back to Jim. "Sir can we bring the rest of the team in via military aircraft. I want to get started with the training as soon as possible. This little test of yours showed me that we have a lot of work to do, and these are the best I have, so I can only imagine what condition the rest are in."

He asked me if I had picked my pilots from the files he had given me yet, and blanched when I said I had and his daughter was one of them.

"Sir with all due respect Becky is one of the best and I am going to need the best to pull this mission off."

He said he would see that everyone else was there first thing in the morning even if he had to go drag them out of their beds himself.

We went in the barracks and I took over the office and asked the Major what kind of help I could expect from him in procuring the equipment I was going to need. He said we had access to whatever they had, but wasn't sure about getting anything we might need they didn't have. Jim said anything we needed would be available to us within twenty-four hours.

The rest of my team with the exception of Lieutenant Collins were there at nine o'clock the next morning. By eleven o'clock I went to Jim to find out where she was, demanding that if she wasn't here soon they might as well scrub the mission as neither she nor anyone replacing her would have the time to train. He told me he cut the orders himself and would look into it. When I didn't turn to go he picked up the phone and made a call.

After a few minutes he went into his official voice telling whoever was on the other end if they didn't put Major Jones on the phone right then, they were facing a court-martial.

A moment later.

"Major Jones where is Lieutenant Collins?" A pause then. "Major those orders arrived on your desk last night and were very explicit that Lieutenant Collins was to report to her new duty assignment no later than oh nine hundred this morning! Major if her plane isn't air born within the next fifteen minutes you will find yourself facing insubordination charges."

I asked him if I could talk to this Major, so he handed me the phone.

"Major this is Colonel Jensen, Lieutenant Collins new commander. I want to know why she isn't here as ordered?"

There was a pause. "Ma'am I didn't see the orders until just now."

"Major you are a liar. Why you want to try using an excuse like that is beyond me but you are a liar."

"Ma'am I assure you..."

"Major I know you are lying because I was talking to Lieutenant Collins this morning when she went to find out if her new orders had arrived yet and heard you tell her she wasn't going anywhere, until you were damn good and ready to say otherwise. So here is how this is going to play out now Major. Since you think you can ignore orders I am coming there personally to pick up my pilot and I really do hope you try to stop me."

There was a long pause then the phone went dead. I handed the phone back to Jim and turned to leave.

"Andrea?"

"Jim I'll be back in the morning. Can you let the men know that I expect one hundred percent out of them and will know if they try giving less."

"Andrea if you use violence I won't be able to help you."

I closed the door on the way out and headed for the flight line. Sara was in the air when I got there so I asked the tower to bring her back saying I needed to talk to her. When she landed I told her we were taking the 130 parked on the other side of the flight line and we were leaving in five minutes. She didn't miss a beat about climbing out of the fighter she was in and heading over to the C-130 I had indicated climbing in the pilot seat and checking over the controls.

"Is it ready to go Captain?"

She assured me it was and she had several hours in one. I took the co-pilot seat and told her to get us in the air.

"Ma'am may I be candid?" she asked. I assured her I expected everyone under my command to be candid with me if ever they felt something was a miss. "Ma'am I've heard stories about you and the kind of missions you do. Ma'am why me? Why did you choose me?"

"First of all Sara my name isn't ma'am, it's Andrea. I chose you because you have the potential to be one of the best the Air Force has."

She seemed to think about what I said and turned to me. "Andrea surely you know about my record of disregarding certain orders."

I laughed and said yes I was well aware of her record and the problems she had given her previous commanders, and in fact it was her free spirit that I picked her for. The mission we were preparing for required the very best and someone who followed orders without regard was not the kind of pilot I wanted because they wouldn't give me the best chance of success. I reminded her I had been forced into retirement because I couldn't follow orders either.

She smiled and asked if I wanted to take the wheel the rest of the way, I just put my hands in my lap and said she was the pilot.

As we landed I looked out for what I might be in store for as I hadn't left this Major feeling anything but spite for me, and hoping he just might get the chance to tear a woman down even if she did out rank him.

As I stepped off the plane an MP car pulled up and the MP's jumped out drawing their weapons.

"Stop right there ma'am!" one of them yelled. I stepped off the last step and looked at the young man who had told me to stop.

"Son if you don't put that gun away I am going to take it away and whip you with it." I started heading for his car and heard him draw the hammer back.

"Ma'am don't make me shoot you please." My next step I turned and threw the baton I pulled before exiting the plane. It hit him square in the chest sending his gun flying and knocking him off his feet. As he was falling I pulled my weapon and shot his partner in the left arm causing him to drop his gun. I walked over and picked up my baton and helped the first MP to his feet asking who gave him orders to detain me.

I told Sara to secure the plane and get the young man I shot to show her where Becky was and she was to get her and her stuff on the plane and be ready to take off as soon as I returned. I turned back to the MP I hit with the baton and told him to take me to the base commander since it was him who had given the orders to have me detained. He looked at the vehicle he had arrived in and I pushed him telling him we were marching double time because his partner needed the vehicle to carry out the orders I had given him.

As we got to the edge of the flight line there was a truck sitting there so I told him to stop, as I didn't want to kill him running all that way and we would take the truck. He opened the door to get behind the wheel and I thanked him as I slid in behind the wheel. When I didn't slide over any farther he ran around the other side and got in saying something about the trouble he was going to be in if anyone found out he let me drive. I giggled and said he wasn't going to be in near as much trouble as the base commander since the base commander had blatantly disobeyed a Generals direct order.

As I pulled up in front of the headquarters building and got out he looked at me puzzled and followed me inside.

"I want to see Major fuck-up," I told the Sargent sitting at the front desk.

He smiled and said the Major was in a meeting and asked not to be disturbed, nodding toward the door to the side.

I walked over to the door and gave it a tug breaking the catch. As the door opened the Sargent hollered: "Ma'am the Major is..."

I looked back at him and smiled. I walked in the room and immediately told the MP I had with me to arrest the Major and anyone else who tried to stop me.

"Major Jones you are under arrest for disobeying a direct order," I said. I turned to the others in the room and asked who was second in command. A Captain stood up saying he was. I told him why I was here and he was now in command of this base until another commander was assigned. He said he had seen the orders but had thought the plane that left that morning was Becky on her way to her new assignment.

"Colonel everyone in the barracks said Lieutenant Collins had left this morning and they haven't seen her since."

I turned to Major Jones. "Where did you send her Major?" He smiled and didn't say anything. "Major it seems that while you have heard of me you haven't heard the things I learned when I was a POW. Tell me where she is or you will learn first hand the things I learned, because if anything happens to her or the mission she was assigned to, you are going to be facing treason not insubordination. I don't know about you, but I'm not ready to die, and that is the punishment for treason."

He didn't say anything just stood there with a silly grin on his face. I turned to Sara, "Captain find her and get her back to base. Anyone gets in your way shoot first ask question later." I turned to my MP. "Take this man to the cells, I'll be there later to see if he wants to talk." Turning to the Captain I had just put in change I asked if he could get General Collins on the line.

After waiting about five minutes to talk to Jim I got frustrated and asked what was taking so long. They gave me a lame excuse of the phone not working or something because every time they got through it was some Chinese restaurant or something were the person who answered didn't speak very good English. I dialed the number and Kent answered in his Chinese laundryman voice. I asked for Jim and in Chinese told Kent Sara was on her way to pick up the team so they could go find our last member. I reminded him that I spoke better Chinese then he did and the next time he got busted for his silly games I wasn't going to protect him.

"Jim we have a situation here I had Major Jones arrested and it seems that your daughter is missing. Kent should be getting the team mobilized right now to find her, but we don't have any idea where to even start. Jim if we can't find her the mission is a scrub I need two pilots and right now I only have one."

"Andrea I'm not scrubbing this mission that easily. I know good and well that Kent can fly if push comes to shove. The mission is a go weather or not you can find Becky, but I do hope you find her if for no other reason than my peace of mind."

At that moment I hated that he knew my team as well as he did. He knew most everyone of my men had logged time behind the controls of almost every air craft the military had and could fly circles around most of the pilots the military had.

"Jim do I have permission to question the prisoner? I promise there won't be a mark on him."

He didn't say yes, but he didn't say no either. All he said was please find his baby and make sure she was safe. I headed for the stockade and told the Lieutenant in charge I was there to question the prisoner.

The Lieutenant showed me to a room and a short time later brought the Major in posting a guard inside the room and another outside. I asked that I be allowed time with the prisoner alone and the guard stepped out leaving me sitting across from the Major.

"You know I am not going to tell you anything."

I stood up and opened my purse pulling out the pen knife I had along with my make-up. I turned to him and said he was going to tell me everything before I was through, everything right down to the time he used the restroom the previous day and how much of a deposit he had made. I then took a hairpin out of my hair and removed his cuffs.

"Now Major where did you send Lieutenant Collins?"

"Colonel what is your name?"

"Colonel Andrew Jensen United States Air Force..."

"Wrong Answer Colonel. Why do you make us hurt you like this. All you have to do is tell us what we ask and the pain will stop."

"Where did you send the Lieutenant?" He didn't answer he just sat there looking at nothing. So he thought he had suffered. Well we would see if he had or not. The technique I had in mind almost broke me, and I was rescued the day after it was tried the first time.

I finished setting everything up and he started sweating. "You can't do that to me I have my rights."

"Tell me what I want to know Major or your rights just went out the window."

He looked at the things I had set out and in my eyes and I knew this same torture had been used on him and he hadn't had the strength I had. He gave them everything they wanted and learned that even that wasn't enough. He learned that giving them what they wanted only hurt more because then they wanted more so you started making things up just to stop them from torturing you more. I had seen so many men break while I was a POW. So many who broke and then where shoot for being traitors.

The day my team over ran the camp to get me out the commander looked at me and saluted. I had earned his respect because I had stood up under the worst they had to offer and never once betrayed my Country of comrades.

"You know Major there have been many people who have been through what I am going to do here and lived to talk about it. The thing that is so fascinating is that it doesn't leave a mark on the body yet you would swear every cell was torn apart. Are you sure you don't want to tell me what I want to know?"

"I have a friend in Frisco who said they could make her disappear as though she never existed. I sent her there."

"Next question was she drugged or taken as a captive."

"Are you insane there isn't anyone here stupid enough to try drugging her. She was unconscious when she left what happens now is out of my hands."

I packed up my things and set the cuffs again. "Thank you Major you have been most helpful. I hope you get plenty of time in prison, if your friends find out you squealed on them your life might not be worth much." I walked out and got in the car that sat out front. When I reached the flight line there was a fighter sitting there ready to go with the fuel truck just pulling away. I climbed in the cockpit and slid the hatch closed and fired it over. As I waited for the engine to balance I sent a little prayer that we would be in time. I didn't wait for clearance from the tower before taxing out on the runway and powering up to take off. As I went air born I slipped on the oxygen and heard the radio asking who I was.

"Tower this is Colonel Jensen sorry I didn't ask before taking the bird but I am in a bit of a hurry. If you have a problem call General Collins and he will straighten out any problems." I looked back at the tail and read the number on the aircraft and signed out.

As I neared Frisco I heard Sara asking for clearance to land and as she was on her final approach slid in front of her and landed.

"Jesus foxtrot 1242 are you in a bit of a hurry there."

"As a matter of fact Captain I am and if you don't get the lead out we may never catch up with Lieutenant Collins and we'll be short one pilot for this mission."

I taxied to the military holding area and waited as Sara and the team taxied in. Once Sara came to a stop and opened the cargo bay everyone came streaming off smiling and joking about the way I had come in under them beating them to the ground. Sara didn't look as happy when she came out, but didn't say anything.

"Is there a problem Captain?"

"Are you insane ma'am? That little stunt of yours could have killed all of us."

"Captain I clearly remember reading about a young Lieutenant who pulled a very similar stunt only she did it on an aircraft carrier and if the other plane hadn't pulled up it would have ended up in the water." She blushed and laughed.

"You really did read my profile didn't you ma'am. I only did it because I didn't have enough fuel to make another round and the other plane did."

I put my arm around her and told her I knew the whole story and that the crew in the tower got their butts chewed royally for trying to make her wait while some non essential was given priority.

When we got in the hanger we found the MP's all unconscious and the hanger trashed. Someone found the Captain tied up in the office and after about five minutes we were able to bring him to enough we could talk to him and make sense of what he said. As the team medic worked on him I started going through the papers on his desk and found one that seemed out of character with the rest. I asked him what it was and he said he didn't know. I read the paper over and over trying to make sense of it when one of the other MP's came to that had also been tied up and left in the office. I asked him if he knew what it was, and after showing him he said it was the log of traffic that had come through that day. I asked about the last entry and he said he wasn't really sure but thought it might be the flight that had come in with a coffin on it that started all the trouble.

I looked at the time of the entry and with the MP Sargent's help was able to determine we were about fifteen minutes behind who ever it was that had my officer. Techy was able to determine what they had driven from the video tape from the security camera's and said something about them making a major mistake using the kind of vehicle they had as it was easily tracked and disabled. I set him to work on getting it done and started going over the papers scattered around the room trying to find any other clues we might have missed.

Less than a minute after I set Techy to work on locating and disabling the vehicle in question he said he had it and it was now disabled so it couldn't be restarted without disabling the equipment that allowed the anti theft package the vehicle came with, which in turn would make the vehicle inoperable as well. In short he said the vehicle was a pile of junk to anyone but him at this point. I asked him to get me a satellite picture of where the vehicle was and if possible a view of the vehicle itself. Again he came through with a picture of the vehicle and surrounding area so we could find it easily from a chopper.

"Captain take the Sargent and a couple others and go get the Lieutenant. If there's any trouble shoot first, but make sure to bring her back in one piece and alive if possible."

I set the rest of the men to helping the MP's as they came to get the hanger cleaned up. A half hour later the Captain was back saying I needed to come with to the scene at that vehicle as there were a couple dead bodies and no sign of the Lieutenant. When we got to the scene Kent was giving my Lieutenant a good scolding for having left the scene wanting to know just where she thought she was going.

When Becky saw me she let out a squeal and started running toward me throwing her arms around my neck.

"It's good to see you too Becky. I think you just made Kent a very unhappy camper though."

She turned around and saw Kent coming over and turned a little white. "Ma'am do you have any idea what that brute did to me?"

I looked at Kent and then her. "I hope he took you over his knee," I smiled.

Kent came up and said he had indeed taken her over his knee and if she ever tried kicking him again he would do the same thing again.

"Ma'am with all respect this little fire cracker of yours can fight near as well as you can. A couple of the guys are nursing bruises that are going to take weeks to heal and she landed a kick on me that near took my breath away."

"You should have told me you were with aunt Andrea," she said sticking out her tongue.

I took a look at the scene and found one man still alive but questionable whether, or not he would make it until he could get medical treatment, as he had a broken back and several other broken bones. There was a needle on the floor of the vehicle that looked like someone had tried to force it through something metal, and a couple vials still full rolling around. I told the team to pick up the needle and vials and let the cops have everything else. I went back to the chopper and radioed that we had recovered the Lieutenant and were getting ready to pack up and head back to the base, but someone needed to send out someone from security because we didn't have time to wait for the cops and I didn't need the hassles or questions they would want to ask. I told Sara to get the bird fired up and everyone to get on board just as the police started to arrive.

"Captain get this bird in the air now!" I ordered knowing we were going to be trying to tell these cops what we were doing having a military operation on our own soil without letting them know anything. As we lifted off a police chopper came in trying to block us and I hopped in the co-pilot seat and said if she couldn't get us in the air I would. I no more than got the words out and we were in the air on our way back to the airport with the police chopper trying to catch up. I looked at Sara and just smiled. She turned the chopper around and continued heading for the airport while at the same time making a lasting impression on the pilot of the police chopper, by bringing the guns on line and letting out a small burst over them.

When we got back to the airport I ordered everyone but Becky on the plane to head back to base no stopping anywhere along the way. I walked over and asked Becky if she was up to flying which lit her face like there was no tomorrow. I had her take the pilot seat and I climbed in behind her closing the cockpit. Once air born she asked where we were going and I told her to head for Travis.

Once we were in radio range I called the Travis tower asking who the base commander was. They told me it was General Walker and I requested to talk to him, telling them I was Colonel Jensen.

A short time later:

"Andy is that you, you old son of a bitch. How you doing?"

"Hello Eddie, I'm doing ok, but there have been a few changes since the last time we talked."

"You still sound like the same Andy I remember though I did hear you're dressing a little different."

"Eddie I was wondering if you might have some pilots that need a workout?"

"I don't have enough pilots to take you on Andy. What did you have in mind?'

"I'm flying second seat here and the pilot I have is untested in combat. I was hoping you might have a half dozen or so pilots that might want to try their luck in a mock dog fight, hard deck of five thousand feet."

"Weapons lock is a kill?"

"Roger, Eddie I'm giving your guys an advantage of six to one and I stay out of it and observe only, unless you get involved then I take the stick."

"Andy I haven't flown since they gave me my own command you really think if this pilot of yours can beat six of my best they can't beat me too?"

"Eddie if we're doing this then lets get your guys in the air so we still have enough fuel to make it a challenge."

"If you look out about four o'clock you'll find they're coming into position now."

I took a look over my right shoulder and sure enough there was a group of three fighters coming on hard. About that same time Becky turned on the weapons' system and veered to the right cutting across the path of the fighters coming up behind us. The fighters coming in from our left turned in pursuit and she locked on the lead plane of the group that had been coming up form behind us on the right. As soon as she had the lock she veered to the right and targeted the lead plane from the other group locking on him.

With two of the birds now out of the picture she did a five G climb to 20,000 feet and looped over behind the planes that tried to cut us off on the left taking out the one in the back and then targeting the other one. With only two birds left she dropped to 10,000 feet and swung a slow arc to the left.

The radio came back alive with Eddie asking what I was doing reminding me that I had told him I wouldn't be taking the controls and I was the only pilot he had ever seen make the kind of moves the bird I was in was making.

Becky didn't give me a chance to say anything before coming around behind the last two planes targeting the one on the left. "Sir with all due respect Colonel Jensen hasn't touched the control since we took off from Frisco."

"Andy is that Lieutenant Collins with you?"

I smiled and told him it was, only to hear him cuss that I never did play fair. He called his last bird off saying he had seen enough and said he needed to talk to me once we were on the ground.

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  20. ##  The Past Relived

When we landed Eddie met us as we got out of the plane. As I stepped off the last step he saluted me then gave me a hug taking my breath away.

"It's so good seeing you again, what's it been eight years or nine?"

I thought back to the last time I had seen him and said it had been closer to ten years. He asked what brought me to this part of the country since the last he'd heard I was retired, then winked letting me know he already knew about why I was called out of retirement. He walked us to his car and I looked at all the men staring at Becky as though they couldn't believe a woman could fly a plane like the one we had just gotten out of when one of the pilots that had engaged us came up and bowed to her saying he would forever be ridiculed now for losing to a woman so quickly, but he felt it a great honor to have tried to match her and done so well.

I told her if she wanted to talk to these guys she had my permission, just be ready to go when I got back. Once in Eddies car he asked what it was I needed that I couldn't get from the base I was on. I handed him a list of supplies we hadn't been able to get and asked if he could help out since I felt everything on the list was going to be needed to complete the mission. He picked up a phone and started giving orders that the list he had in hand be loaded on the 130 that was being readied so when it left I would have everything I needed.

"Andy I owe you more than I can ever pay back so making sure you have everything you need is the least I can do." He stopped at the supply building and handed the list to a Sargent that was waiting for it and drove over to his office.

"Eddie I wish you wouldn't call me Andy, my name now is Andrea."

"You have made some changes haven't you last I knew you were supposed to be a man, or was that just an act to get involved in combat?"

Once we were in his office I told him how I had grown up with my dads approval and dad was the one who gave me the name Andrea. How on my sixteenth birthday I stopped being a girl because of what happened at the dance that night. He gave a whistle and said he would do his best to treat me in what ever manner I wished and hoped I found happiness in life so I would stop being so careless about living it.

"Eddie tell me what you know about this mission."

He looked at his desk unsure what he wanted to say then started telling me everything that happened and why they called me back to active duty.

"Andrea yours was the only name that came up with any hope of success in completing the mission without losing any of the hostages."

"So did you and Jim draw straws to see which of you talked to me?"

"Jim volunteered for that honor. Andy... sorry Andrea I don't mind saying if it had been me I don't know if I could have asked, not after the way you were treated when you were forced into retirement."

"Fair enough Eddie. For the record I almost said no. When Jim came to me he almost didn't ask because of how I dress now and he wasn't sure once my men found out they would still be willing to follow me."

"How many did you lose when they found out?"

"None! Everyone of them said they were there because I needed them and how I chose to life my life was my choice, but they knew I wouldn't lead them to their deaths, with me leading they knew they were coming home.

Eddie there's only one of my original team that isn't with me still, and his sister's the one that made short work of your best."

We talked an hour about old times when he said something that made me wonder what he knew about this mission that I didn't.

"Andy they're going to want to keep you if you can pull this mission off in the next week or so."

"What do you mean the next week or so Eddie. I was told I had three months to get my team ready for this. Are you telling me Jim lied about that?"

He stuttered that he only meant that if we were able to get everyone out when the time came. When I pressed for more information he changed the subject saying I probably knew more about the situation then he did, but he would get the supplies to me as soon as possible. I told him I needed to get going if he had my ride gassed up for me. On the way back out to the plane he said again that I better be prepared to leave sooner than expected, as things were changing fast and I might not get the three weeks I had been promised.

News flash Colonel Jensen! We promised you this, but we can't give it to you now, do the best you can.

Once we were air born again I set the helmets to private and told Becky I didn't know if she was going to get her shot because I didn't know if there was going to be time to get her ready as we might be leaving sooner than expected.

"Colonel with all respect I have waited for this chance since Jim..." She didn't finish, she didn't need to, I knew what she was saying and I couldn't deprive her of the chance to prove to herself she was one of the best, not just one of the best, but equal to her brother if not in combat at least in her ability to serve.

We flew home in silence me not wanting to put her at risk without more training and her wanting to prove to me she deserved the chance to go.

When we came in radio range of our home base Jim came over the radio.

"Andrea I just got word that as soon as your transport gets here you are to have your team ready to go."

"What happened to the three months Jim? You assured me we would have three months to train for this and now with less than two days of training you tell me we have to go! Jim we aren't ready it has been years since any of us have worked together and it took us a year before we ever did our first mission."

"We can talk about this when you get on the ground Andrea, but you have your orders and you accepted them saying you were sure you and your team could pull it off. Let's not forget the precision to which you rescued Lieutenant Collins, that was a work of beauty by itself and something I doubt anyone else could have pulled off."

"Jim that was a setup and you know it. It wouldn't surprise me if it wasn't you who set it up." Becky coughed when I said that since she had killed two men trying to escape. She hit the intercom and asked if I really believed that.

"Get use to it Becky it happens, I'm sure those guys didn't know that trying to give you an injection without letting you in on what was going on, thought they could handle you so the fact they are now dead will teach others that you aren't so easily cowed."

Becky said that explanation didn't help much in settling her stomach about the fact she might have killed two innocent men for no reason other than a perceived threat. We landed and I headed for Jim's office making sure Becky told the rest of the command that we were leaving as soon as our transport got there, and to have everything ready. When I got to Jim's office the Sargent said he was expecting me. I just glared at him and opened the door and walked in still wearing my flight suit carrying my helmet.

"You must be Colonel Jensen." someone I couldn't see said as the door opened.

I walked up to Jim's desk and dropped my helmet on it and demanded to know who had given the order that we were to leave before we had a chance to do more than get reacquainted.

"That would be me Colonel," the guy sitting in the chair facing away from the door said.

I turned to him and was going to ask just who he thought he was that he could show so little concern for the lives of the people we had been called in to rescue.

When I saw him I blanched. "Mr President I had no idea..." I stuttered. "Sir we need more time. My command hasn't worked together in years and we have two new people we have never worked with."

"Colonel from the report I just read about the rescue of Lieutenant Collins I would say your team is ready and the two people your team hasn't worked with will fit right in."

"Andrea do you really think I would have set something like that up using my own daughter? If you really think that little of me why did you accept the assignment?"

I changed the subject not wanting to admit I had jumped to a conclusion about Jim I didn't believe he could have done. "Who is furnishing our transport General?"

"Eddie said he had a few things he needed to get loaded yet then he was going to have Colonel Barns and Colonel Waters and their flight crews on their way to pick you up last I heard it was going to be about 3 hours before they left Travis.

Andrea that was about the time you took off there so they are probably already in the air."

"I noticed that 130 was equipped for in flight refueling does that mean what I think it does?"

"When you leave here you won't be stopping again until you reach the base you are to evacuate the hostages to. From there you will have enough time to get a hot meal and stretch your legs before you'll be lifted into where it is you'll be working."

I turned to the President. "Mr President may I inquire sir just why the rush when we haven't had time yet to prepare adequately?"

"Colonel may I call you Andrea?" I nodded. "Andrea the latest reports are saying if we don't go now the terrorists will start killing off the hostages, and we don't want that do we?"

I turned back to Jim and told him I was going to need access to a satellite over the area we were going into so I could stay up to date on everything going on there. I didn't like surprises and this one was big enough. He said he would do what he could, but wasn't sure he could guarantee me anything other than I would have support when I was on my way out. He again told me that support wouldn't be there until we got into friendly air space though, as it would be a declaration of war if our fighters entered air space over the country I was going into.

I thought about what he said, realized if our fighters couldn't go in, we were going in via land and we were going to have to be moving fairly fast over uncertain terrain to get there. I asked what supplies I could count on from the base we were headed for besides air support getting across the border and once we were back out with the hostages.

"Colonel Jensen we are very confident in your ability to get those people back to safety, but should you fail you are on your own, this country can't take the chance that anyone attach this rescue attempt with the military at least until those people are safely back."

I turned back to the President. "Mr President what you're saying is that not only am I going in with a team that isn't ready, but I'm doing so without the support of the military in which I serve?"

"Colonel you have the full support of this military in obtaining the supplies you need to complete this mission, there isn't anything your team is familiar with as far as equipment you don't have access to, with the exception of aircraft once you are at your starting point."

Once I was at my starting point, right. Once I got to the base over in the middle east I would be furnished with whatever equipment we would be able to procure on our own, because there was noway they were going to let us have the equipment we were going to want.

I thanked the President and Jim for their time and the information and asked for their leave so I could spend some time with my men making sure they understood just what it was we were in for.

When I got to the barracks my men were occupying I sat there staring out the window trying to come up with a way of telling them their country was abandoning them until they were back in friendly territory again. That so long as we were in enemy territory we were there not as the military we were but as citizens of no country trying to rescue those who were still citizens of this country because they were stupid enough to not get out before they couldn't.

Kent came out and got in the passenger seat and looked out the window. "That bad huh?"

I turned to him and said it was just like old times. "Kent we'll be on our own until we get out. Then just like always they'll admit that we are an elite military unit and were the only hope they saw of getting those citizens out alive."

He turned to me and thought for a moment. "Ma'am I don't mind saying the only reason any of us came back was because you did. With you in command I know we'll succeed and come home again."

These men were all counting on me to know what to do, and this time I didn't have the answers. I didn't know what to expect either from them or were we were headed. I hadn't had any contact with any of them since I retired eight years earlier. Could I remember who was best at what, or would I be starting all over again without the slightest idea who I could count on for anything.

"Kent tell me have you all kept in touch over the last eight years?"

He told me every year they would all get together and talk about the missions we had been on and how I always insisted if one of us didn't make it out none of us would. How they would go out in the woods or desert and practice the maneuvers I had drilled into them with each mission we did.

While we sat there I saw our transport come in, knowing that soon we would be headed either to another successful mission or our deaths. I thought of Jeff and how long he had waited for me and what they might tell him if I didn't come back. Would they tell him the truth that they had again asked me to do the impossible, but this time not giving me the time I needed to prepare, or would they say I took it on myself to lead a bunch of misfits into a situation destroying any hope of the hostages ever coming home again.

I opened the door and headed in to talk to the men about the mission, and what they could expect from the government they served. I reminded them I believed in them and I knew we would all make it back in one piece with the hostages. I reminded them we had been on missions that made this seem like a walk in the park, reminding them of the time they fought to get me out of the POW camp.

I asked if any of them wanted out because if so this was the time, once we were on that transport there was no going back. "There is no shame in stepping down, no one here will think any less of you for wanting to stay here and protect your homes and families." To a man they sat there listening to what I said and told me they were there and they knew I wouldn't ever ask anything of them they weren't capable of.

Kent called them to attention and told them to get their things together as our ride was now on the ground and waiting for us. I cornered both Sara and Becky as the men started heading for the truck to head out to the plane.

"Neither of you need to come on this mission. I do understand what it's like to want to live."

Becky looked at me and started crying saying she wasn't being left out. She had been through too much now and if I didn't allow her to go she would find her own way of getting there and helping. Sara echoed Becky about finding her own way of getting there if I didn't allow them to go with the rest of the team.

"Ma'am I know we haven't been part of this team long, but we are part of it now, we are here for every member of this team. If you dismiss us now we will find a way of getting there, if you still deny us we will find a way of crossing that border and flying everyone out."

Once we were air born I went around the men reminding myself who they were and what their specialty was. Radar our specialist in electronics. Danny our sharp shooter and the best mechanic I'd ever seen. Johnny our thief, anything we needed he could find and secure for us. Kent, my Sargent and best friend the one who kept everyone on their toes even me. Techy, if we needed information he always had it saying there wasn't anything he couldn't find on the internet. Password, the only person who had ever broken through the security I had on my diary, making me wonder if there was a system he couldn't get into if he wanted.

"Password think you can still break my diary codes?"

He looked up at me and smiled. "Jeff I thought of you today. I wish we could be together but this is so important."

I smacked him telling him if he ever told anyone what was there I would be the one to shoot him. With each of them I thought of the times they had saved my life. Everyone of these men had saved my life at least once. I owed each of them so much more than I could ever repay, yet knew they would all say the same thing, that they owed me their lives many times over. I found a seat where I could have some time to think and sat down hoping to get a little sleep. This was going to be a long flight and I wanted everyone rested when we landed as I wasn't yet sure how much time we would have once we landed before we headed out.

Kent came over and sat by me asking if I was ok. "I've never known you to look so worried before."

I tried to give him a smile, failing miserably. "Kent we've been on to many of these missions together for me to hide that I am worried we won't be coming back this time. Tell me what information has Techy been able to get on what we're going to be facing."

He handed me a note book with maps and diagrams of the area we were headed for telling me the satellite pictures were a couple days old. As I went through the pictures and diagrams I discarded what I knew wasn't possible while not actually throwing them out as there might have still been something I felt we could use. Kent watched as I set to making plans I felt were the best for getting the hostages out while not putting anyone at anymore risk than necessary.

Sara came over and joined us asking why I had discarded some of the diagrams as she felt they were as good as or better than some of the ones I had kept. Kent told her that I saw things most people couldn't, when I was done going over everything I would come up with a plan that had the best chance of success with the fewest risks possible. She watched and I started going through the diagrams again pulling some from my discard pile and some from the pile I intended to go over again more carefully.

When I set the note book aside she asked why I had chosen to be a woman.

I looked at her and smiled with the thoughts of why I wanted to be me.

"It's a long story Sara, but we still have a few hours with nothing to do and I'm sure you aren't the only one who has that question. I'm sure all of you have wondered why I insist I'm now a woman when all of you have known me through some times we would all rather forget."

"Why do I insist I'm a woman now? It's a story that starts a very long time ago, back when I was about three years old. The neighborhood I grew up in didn't have a lot of kids, and Roxie and I would always play games together, sometimes she would insist we play house, but usually she wanted to play ball or climb trees or something else I didn't really care for. One day she said she was the mommy and I was the daddy and I started crying saying she always got to be the mommy and I wanted to be the mommy this time. She said I couldn't be the mommy because I was a boy. I didn't want to be a boy I told her I wanted to be a girl because then I could be a mommy too."

"She said if I wanted to be a mommy I had to dress like a mommy and I started crying again because I didn't have any clothes to be a mommy. She said if I would stop crying she would let me wear one of her dresses. I stopped crying when she said I could be a girl. I wanted to be a girl so much, I saw how daddy looked at mom and how he was always so gentle around Roxie. Dad was watching us the day this took place, mom was at a function for the women in the church. Roxie and I loved it when dad watched us because he always let us have ice cream or some other treat if we ate the lunch he would fix, which was almost always peanut butter and jelly sandwiches with the crust cut off. On this day Roxie took me in her room and let me pick out the dress I wanted to wear saying I could pick any but the one she wanted to wear to church the next day. I picked out one I thought was pretty, once it was on, it came down almost to the floor just as it did with her. She picked out a pair of shoes for me and said dad had to see he had two girls not one."

"She took my hand and dragged me in the living room where dad was and told him he had to see her new little sister. When dad looked up he smiled and said he thought I was very pretty and called me Andrea. I smiled at him and ran over and gave him a big hug asking him if it was really ok if I was his girl. When lunch time came he called us, again calling me Andrea and smiling when I came in to eat wearing yet a different dress."

"The next day I again insisted we play house and I get to be a mommy so again Roxie let me pick a dress from her closet and helped me put it on. Dad came in to see that we were ok and smiled again when he saw me dressed in Roxie's dress saying if Andrea was going to stick around she should have clothes of her own. Mom came in a short time later to check on us and got real quiet when she saw me wearing one of Roxie's dresses, but didn't say anything."

"I wanted to play house almost every day after that because it meant I could be a mommy the same as Roxie and dad said I was really pretty. One day when we were playing house mom told me I wasn't a girl that girls wore dresses and boys didn't. I asked her why I couldn't be a girl, I wore Roxie's dresses. She said girls always sat when going to the restroom and boys stood. I didn't understand I had to be a girl then, because I always sat when I went to the restroom, and if girls sat I must be a girl too. She insisted I was a boy, but every argument she used always said I was a girl and I liked being a girl, whereas I hated being a boy."

"Once I started school mom was sure I would finally understand I was a boy, but I didn't like the games the boys played and always played with the girls at their games. My teacher didn't say anything to me about it, but did talk to my mom about how I fit in with the girls and was she sure I was a boy. Mom scolded me the day my teacher talked to her about it, telling me I needed to start acting like a boy, or I was going to be made fun of by the other kids. I thought about that and said the girls wouldn't let the boys make fun of me because they liked having me play their games because I always made them more fun."

"Mom never gave up trying to get me to do things boys normally would do saying she just wanted the best for me, and she didn't want me to get hurt by what the other kids might say or do. One day when I was in seventh grade a couple of the girls I hung out with came over and mom asked me who they were, so I told her they were my girlfriends, then ran into my room. Mom smiled and didn't think anything more about it until she realized I had gone in my room with two girls and closed the door. She came to check that we weren't doing anything we shouldn't. When she opened the door she saw me sitting there dressed as a girl talking to these two girls as though I were just one of the girls. She pulled the door shut and when my friends left she said she didn't think it was a good idea I dressed like that with them as they would likely tell all their other friends and I would be a laughingstock in school."

"Mom got so tired of me insisting I was a girl and kept insisting I was a boy and needed to start acting like a boy. She said one day someone was going to think I was a girl and find out I was really a boy and beat me up. Whenever dad was around though she never said anything about me dressing like a girl, but made sure I knew she wasn't happy about it with the looks she would give me. Roxie said she wanted to go shopping one weekend and asked if I wanted to come with. She said some of her friends were going too and if I wanted to come with I had to be Andrea. I was so excited because I was going to get to go shopping and try things on and everything. We found a dress that I really liked and Roxie said if I wanted it she would tell mom it was hers as mom wasn't happy about me dressing and said it would be a very cold day before she would allow her son to ever have clothes that didn't belong in a boys closet. We found a pair of shoes that went with the dress perfectly and got those too. Roxie said if I was going to wear such pretty clothes I was going to need to get some make-up and learn how to put it on. For the next year I went shopping with Roxie and bought several outfits some of which mom thought were boy clothes though we bought them in the girls' department of the stores we went to so I was able to wear them whenever I wanted without the glares mom usually gave me."

"Dad had taken to calling me Andrea all the time because he rarely ever saw me but what I was dressed as a girl. About a week before my sixteenth birthday he took me shopping saying his baby girl needed something extra special to celebrate such a special occasion. We went in one store and saw a dress that I had to try on because it was so pretty. When I came out of the dressing room dad asked if that was the dress I wanted, after looking in the mirror I shook my head that it was perfect, but I didn't have any shoes that would go with it so I needed some new shoes too. After changing back into the cloths I had worn to the store we went over to a shoe store and started looking at shoes that would go with the dress he bought for me. After looking through about three shoe stores we found a pair of boots that I was sure would be perfect with the dress and dad rolled his eyes saying they looked just like a pair we found in the other stores. I started to explain the difference between this pair and the others we had seen and he said if I was sure this was the pair he was sold, so bought them. He took me to lunch, where everyone said how sweet it was that he would take his daughters shopping like that and he smiled and thanked them."

"The morning of my sixteenth birthday was a Saturday and dad came in and set the dress and boots we bought on the foot of my bed telling me if I didn't get up soon I was going to miss my birthday. I jumped out of bed and looked at the dress dad set there I picked up the boots finding one was heavier than the other and found a package in the heavier one that said from mom. I didn't want to see what was in it I thought I already knew. A pair of boy underwear or maybe a pair of boy socks, I didn't think it could be anything else because it wasn't big enough to be much of anything else. I never expected to find in that little package what I found there, I was sure mom would never accept I was a girl, not in a thousand years, it went against everything she believed. I opened the package with trepidation hoping against hope it would be something I really wanted, but knowing without a doubt it wasn't. As the paper came off I started getting excited, maybe, just maybe mom had finally figured out what everyone else already knew, that I was a girl and there wasn't any use fighting it."

"I finished taking the paper off and found a note in moms hand so I picked it up and read: Happy birthday Andrea. The tears were rolling down my cheeks at reading those words. I set the note down and sat on the bed trying to believe what I thought wasn't possible. Mom accepted me as Andrea, mom the one who for so long had tried to get me to be a boy because she couldn't believe I could be anything but a boy. I picked the note back up and finished reading it. Happy birthday Andrea! I know we haven't shared many kind words over the years, but I have always loved you for who you are. I want you to know it was me who was wrong, I didn't want to let go of what I had been taught as a youth, that if you looked like a boy you had to be a boy. I have watched you for so long seeing how you have always been drawn to what I have always considered to be girl things, hoping one day you might accept that God doesn't make mistakes. Well honey he doesn't make mistakes, but sometimes we do and I made a big one in thinking you could be something other than you are, my little girl Andrea. Yes I saw how your eyes lit up every time your dad called you Andrea. I remember all the times I said how you reminded me so much of your father if only... and had you tell me you weren't a boy. I remember all the times I tried to show you were a boy, just to end up reinforcing you were indeed a girl. Andrea I ask your forgiveness."

"I picked up the rest of the contents of the small package and found it contained a pair of stockings and garter belt. I sat there just looking at mom's acceptance of me as her daughter, wanting so much to run out and give her a hug, telling her how much I love her. I took the package that Roxie had given me the night before and opened it knowing it was a pair of really nice panties and matching bra. I slipped all the new clothes on feeling so beautiful when I finished getting dressed. I went in the restroom with my bag that had all my make-up, I kept hidden so mom wouldn't take it away. And proceeded to apply make-up, working to get it just right for this special day when I got to be me without the looks and comments that hurt so much."

"When I walked in the kitchen mom looked at me and smiled. Dad let out a whistle of approval and Roxie smiled so big I thought she was going to hurt her face. Mom asked if there was anything special I wanted for breakfast and I smiled and said whatever she fixed would be great, because it always was. We had such a wonderful day as a family that day. I was sure the days of me having to try being what someone else thought I should be were over. That night Roxie and I went to a dance to celebrate the first of what we were sure were going to be many of me being her little sister all the time. When we got to the dance I saw all the boys standing around and wanted to go back home I wasn't sure I wanted to let everyone know that Andrea was the real me in that setting. Roxie said I might not ever get the chance to show the world who I was though if we just turned around and went back home without at least going in and dancing one dance. The words of moms note came back to my mind reinforcing that I was indeed Andrea and no one could take that way from me. As we went in there were even more of the boys I knew from my class standing around, boys who said they weren't going to be there because dances like this were stupid. I immediately felt very sick and headed for the restroom and threw up the dinner mom made special because she knew it was my favorite."

"As I came out of the stall I smiled at the other girls there and washed my face checking the mirror to see what kind of damage I had done to my make-up. After touching up my lip gloss I went back out to the dance hoping no one would ask me to dance. The last person I expected to see at the dance was standing by the restrooms as I came out and asked me to dance taking my hand and leading me out on the dance floor. I wanted to run back in the restroom and throw up some more, but knew there wasn't anything left. How did I get myself into this? Why were all the boys I knew drawn to me like a moth to a light? I wanted to go home I wanted to hide from the world and never leave the house again. When the dance ended he tried to give me a kiss saying he thought I was the prettiest girl at the dance. When I didn't let him kiss me he stomped off the dance floor leaving me there to find my own way off. Before I made it off the dance floor another guy I knew grabbed me and pulled me back out. This happened several times before I learned to watch for them and duck away before they got to me. I headed for the punch bowl and got a glass of punch taking my time sipping it so no one would be offended if I refused them asking me to dance. "

"Then this boy I hadn't noticed asked me to dance and I held up my cup trying to say no when he said it looked like it was empty and if I would dance with him just one dance he would see that it was refilled and didn't run dry again. As we headed out on the floor he tossed my empty cup in a trash can on the edge of the dance floor and took me in his arms. As I started to feel comfortable he told me he knew who I was calling me by my boy name. I stiffened in his arms and he told me if he was going to tell anyone who I was he could have done so weeks before as he knew I went to church most weeks as Andrea. I pulled back a little and asked how he could know I went to church as Andrea, he didn't go to the same church I did, and he told me who his grandmother was and I swore. How could this be happening? Why would God let mom accept me after so long just to put this guy here to remind me I didn't have a girls body."

"He pulled me close again and said he wasn't going to tell anyone who I was and only hoped one day he might get the chance to love me and see me as the woman he knew I was. He put his thumb under my chin tilting my head back and kissing me holding me even tighter. As he kissed me I knew he was telling me the truth and relaxed in his arms accepting the kiss and giving it back. As we swayed to the sound of the music I noticed the music was different the song changed and I hadn't noticed it changing. When had the other song ended? I tried to remember it ending and couldn't think all I knew was as long as he held me I was safe. The song changed again and we still danced not hearing the music or seeing the other kids there dancing. Hearing only the sound of each others hearts and seeing only the joy of discovery in each others eyes."

"When the next song ended he said he needed to go take care of something and said he would feel it a great honor if I would go with him. I remembered Roxie, and said I needed to let her know I had another way home. He said he would wait for me out by the flagpole and asked that I please hurry. I started looking around for Roxie and just as I spotted her the guy that asked me to dance first came up and said he wanted me to be his girlfriend. I told him I had to go, I needed to get home and I didn't want to be his girlfriend. He asked me why I didn't want to be his girlfriend, did I think I was too good to have him as a boyfriend? I told him I couldn't be his girlfriend because if he knew who I really was he wouldn't be able to accept me as a girl, even though mom finally accepted I was Andrea I still hadn't, at least not fully yet."

"He reached for me feeling my crotch and hit me calling me names. I didn't know what happened all of a sudden I was on the floor with him on top of me hitting me calling me names. Then someone pulled him off me and Roxie was there helping me get up asking me if I was ok. I looked at her and she said she needed to get me home. As we got to the door one of the chaperons said they needed to make sure I didn't need to go to the hospital and started looking me over touching me everywhere and said they should call the police and have me arrested because they had seen me coming out of the girl's restroom shortly after we arrived. Roxie pushed him and took my hand heading for the car, and took me home."

"When we got home I ran to my room taking off the dress, after putting on a robe picked up the dress and went out and threw it at mom telling her she won I wasn't a girl I never should have thought I could ever be a girl because no one would ever let me be what I thought I was. I ran back to my room propping a chair against the door and threw myself on the bed and cried. The day started off so wonderful and ended so horribly. I never again dressed as a girl other than for Halloween and then only because Ellen my ex-wife insisted, until the night before my father passed away."

As I finished the story I noticed that everyone of my men were wiping tears from their eyes. Kent looked at me and said he knew there was something about me lately that never made any sense. I always seemed to have a sense about things kind, of like his mother and sisters had. Each of the men said they had sensed much the same thing, giving examples of the way I did things seemed to be the same as some woman in their life. I told them we all needed to get some rest then went to see if the pilot could tell me how much longer before we landed.

"It'll be another six or seven hours Andrea," he said, then added. " I hope you don't mind that we all heard that story, I have to agree with your men though I always knew there was something about you that was hidden under that rough exterior you always tried to show. It's a great pleasure to finally meet the real person behind the mask."

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  21. ##  Mission Improbable

The flight chief woke me up when we were on our final approach to the base we were headed for.

"Ma'am the Colonel said we're on final approach."

I thanked him the started making sure my team was up and ready once we were on the ground.

"Techy, Radar, Password. I want information as fast as possible once we're on the ground. Take who ever you need and get me recent aerials of both the building we're getting the people out of and the airstrip closest to it. I want accurate information if we're going to have to get out by land I want to know going in if possible. Once we start in I want updates as soon as you can get them for me."

"Ma'am we can keep you current if this equipment works the way it should and the satellite is in position," Radar said.

"If the satellite isn't in position how long will it take to get it in position?"

"Ma'am if it isn't in position we may not be able to get it in position in time to be of any use," Techy told me.

I told them I wanted them to get setup as soon as possible and find out if we had the satellite or not, if it was to far out of position do what they could to get it in position. I told them I wanted to know everything they could find with regard to this mission because I hated surprises and the more we knew in advance the fewer the chances of us having any surprises.

After talking to them I headed for the cockpit to see were we were.

"Pete how we doing?"

Pete turned and looking at me and said I might want to take a seat because we were just a few feet from the ground. I told him if that were true he might want to throttle down unless he planned on over shooting the runway. He scowled at me and pulled back on the throttle.

"Andrea how about letting me fly this bird without you telling me what I'm doing wrong?"

I smiled at him and asked what fun that would be and he chuckled. I took the empty seat the crew chief would normally have been sitting in and watched as we touched down and taxied to the hanger that was to become my headquarters while I was there. When we came to a stop I told the guys to get everything in the hanger, I looked at Techy, Radar, and Password and they nodded they understood and grabbed their bags once the cargo doors were open far enough headed for the hanger office to get setup so they could get me everything I wanted. I turned to Kent and he was already giving orders of where everything went and how he wanted it there yesterday. Sara and Becky both came over by me and watched as the men they would be working with jumped into motion.

Kent turned to us and scowled asking if our arms and legs were broken. I scowled back and asked Sara and Becky to make themselves useful helping get things organized so when we left we would be able to find the things we were going to be taking with us. Once they were busy I walked to the office I was going to have and checked on the progress the guys there were making.

"Ma'am if I'm reading this right the satellite is right were we need it and will be for the next week."

I came over and looked at the screen trying to see what was there. I asked Password to zoom in on areas so I could make out what was there and saw there were two DC10's with their tails hanging out of the hangers they were in. "Techy can you get me some information on these birds, why they're in the hanger, if for repairs what the repairs are and how long before those repairs will be completed." I zoomed in on the building we were sure was were the hostages were being held trying to see what kind of security was in place and how best to deal with it. "Radar I need to be sure the things we are seeing are now not two or three days ago. Make sure we aren't being fed this, but are getting the feed direct from the satellite."

I sat at the desk I was going to use for mine that was out-of-the-way of my technical experts, and started going over the drawings of battle tactics, I has trying to figure out which tactics had the best chance of success with what we were seeing on the satellite pictures we had thus far. Kent came in and asked how things were going hoping I might be able to say what we needed and when we were leaving. I looked up and shook my head going back to what I had been doing trying to find a way of negating the risk to my team while having a high chance of success. The more I went over the diagrams and the photos off the satellite the more I began to believe the mission was a suicide mission with no possible way of getting those people out without casualties. Sara came in and started going over the diagrams with me hoping to learn battle strategy from someone she believed knew more about it than anyone she hoped to be close to.

"Techy can you find me the battle techniques used in this coupe?"

A short time later he handed me a stack of paper with diagrams and photos of the battles taken from the satellites as the battles took place. The photos showed the time progression of the battles and how the coupe took place so fast there was noway any of these people could have gotten out short of not having been there to start. I started comparing the photos of the airport at the time of the coupe and the photos Password gave me saying they were off the satellites just a few minutes ago.

"Password! You said these are live pictures taken just a few minutes ago?" He took a look at the photos I held out to him and nodded. "Then your satellite link is lying. These picture match the ones taken during the coupe two weeks ago."

He looked at the photos comparing them and let out a string of cuss words that would have done any sailor proud. He asked Radar to check his link and cussed again when he found the link to be to old satellite photos of the area and he had to go hunting the satellite all over again. A few minutes later he made the link and started zooming in on the airstrip. I came over watching the activity knowing he had the link this time. I asked him to zoom in on the three birds sitting just outside a hanger that was more than big enough to hold all of them with room to spare.

"Radar is there a way of grounding those three birds that we will be able to undo in a matter of minutes?"

He took a look at the birds I was talking about and smiled so big I was sure he had something very nasty in mind. He punched a few keys on the computer and said they wouldn't be able to get those birds air born without replacing almost every system they had. I smiled at him and told him he had just given us our rides home.

"Kent we'll need to arm one mig29 and two dc10's. I want the mig29 loaded to the max and missiles on both dc10's. Make sure Mark and Chip have enough medical supplies to handle most anything, we have no idea what shape these people are in and I want to be sure they have a chance. You might as well let them know they will likely be treating what ever they find while in the air and possibly while the bird is under fire."

He asked if there was anything else, I looked at him and laughed. "What this isn't enough for you to get started with?"

Becky joined Sara and I in trying to come up with a way of getting the people out of the building and to the aircraft. The problem we kept running onto though was we had no idea just how many men they had, were the hostages were being held or even what the floor layout of the building was. I started getting frustrated at the lack of answers Tech, Password, and Radar were giving me when I looked at the building from a different angle off the satellite. "Stop that picture right there that looks familiar."

I thought back a couple years before I was forced to retire. My team was given the security of the leader of this country and that building looked very much like the one we had learned inside and out to provide the security we were ordered to give.

"That's it isn't it, the building we had to secure for what's his name?"

They all looked at the building and started smiling it was the same building and we all knew it. Less than five minutes later Radar had the floor layout of the building and we started going over the likely rooms the hostages might be held in and why. Withing an hour we had a battle plan and we had one that incorporated some things we had done back when we had secured that building years before.

"Techy is there any way of monitoring those camera's from here?"

He gave it a thought smiled and said there was if the computer system we set up was still operational. Five minutes later he had us linked into the camera's throughout the building. We now knew where the hostages were in the building how many men we would face inside the building, and the tricks we had left would be hard for someone who didn't know anything about them to disable. I turned to Sara and Becky and smiled asking what they thought of our chances now that we had the advantage of being able to see what we were facing.

I called for Kent asking if everything I told him needed to go was ready yet. He came in asking if that meant we would be leaving soon and saw the floor plan for the building. "Colonel is that the building I think it is?"

I told him it was and he started laughing. Sara and Becky both looked at him like he had lost his mind and he told them one man could get those people out if everything still worked the way it was supposed to, all they would need was to know the right place to be standing and let the enemy think they had won. I pulled up the photos of the air field and showed him our rides home, and what Radar had done to assure they would still be there when we needed them. We figured out the number of vehicles we would need counting the deuce and a halves to get all the equipment in and get the people from the building to the airstrip. We figured two buses and six trucks would be sufficient so figured we would tell them we were going to need five buses and twelve trucks.

I took Kent aside and told him to have Johnny get us the vehicles we needed and get them loaded, we were leaving as soon as the equipment was secure.

By o-three hundred the next morning we were under way and crossing the border into unfriendly territory. About o-nine hundred Radar said the base commander of the base we'd left from had given orders that we were to leave as soon as possible at first light but couldn't find us and found the missing trucks and buses along with tracks leading to the border. I asked why he hadn't told me this earlier and he winked saying he just heard that we were AWOL less than a minute ago. I asked him to let word get out that we couldn't go back now without being considered traitors who deserted our post. I heard the chuckles as that story was past around. These men knew they were no traitors, this wasn't the first time this tactic had been used on them to try scaring them into making sure they completed their mission, and this time it did nothing but make us not trust anything they said. I asked Radar to get me General Collins on the sat-com we had.

"Jim just what is this about my team being AWOL?"

He said he didn't know anything about it and would look into it. He asked me if I had access to the satellite over the area and if so did I have it blocked so no one else could access it. I told him I had no idea what he was talking about knowing he would understand that yes I did have access to the satellite and yes I did have it blocked out so no one else could access it. He asked me if I was on a secure line and I looked at Radar and told him I was. He told me the President had hoped he would be able to watch the mission unfold which was why the satellite we were using was there instead of one that took pictures at set intervals. He went on to assure me that no one was going to try interfering with how I handled the mission, but the joint chiefs wanted a record of what I did to help them determine whether, or not they wanted to have me train other teams as they knew this was the last time my men and I would be willing to answer the call without the time to train properly.

"Jim you tell those SOB's that they will get what information I choose to give them until this mission is over I don't give a damn what they want because I'm done. You want to call the dogs off that were stupid enough to report us AWOL and make this mission worth it for my men, and I'll consider allowing one and only one computer access to the satellite."

There was a long pause and the voice on the other end changed.

"Colonel how do we know you will keep your word on this?"

"Mr President you don't, but I do know that without the things I just asked General Collins for you won't get access to the satellite and as long as no one else has access we don't have to worry someone will compromise us, so we have a great chance of successfully completing this mission without casualties."

Kent came in and said we were ready to secure the airstrip, they were just waiting for my orders. I held my finger up asking for a moment.

"Mr President I need an answer now or this mission will be over and no one will get to watch."

There was a pause, I heard someone cuss that this was blackmail and.

"Colonel how long before you will be on your way out?"

I hung up and told Kent the order was given. They wanted to try me like this they could all go to hell, it was my mens lives on the line here not theirs and they wanted to pull the strings. They weren't pulling my strings, I wasn't a puppet for anyone. I never had been and I wasn't going to be now. Radar said the President was trying to call and I told him when we had the airstrip secure maybe I would have time to take it but until then I wasn't available.

The airstrip was our biggest risk because we had no idea how many of our enemy were inside the buildings, or what kind of firepower they might have. Our first objective was to take out the tower and any other buildings that might have communications in them. If word of us being there got back to the building were the hostages were being held our chances of success went from very good to none as the hostages would all be killed as soon as word reached there. I wished I had another team I could count on to hit the building with the hostages in it at the same time we worked on securing the airstrip.

I turned to Sara and told her she was in charge of securing the airstrip, getting those birds armed and ready to fly. I told Kent to hold off on the strike as I wanted to change the tactics a little because we knew so little about what we had here. I took Sara, Becky and Kent aside and laid out the second plan saying I was sure we could get the hostages with maybe six men, but we didn't have any idea what they had here so it would be best if we hit both at the same time for the sake of the hostages.

Kent called in his second and we went over the plan again. I said as soon as we radioed that we were going in the strike force here was to hit the tower and administrative buildings making sure they were nothing but rubble when they were done. They needed to hit hard and fast because once we had the hostages and were headed back we weren't going to have a lot of time to get any mechanical problems worked out and Sara and Becky needed to be familiar with the birds they were going to be flying out and how to use any weapons we put on them.

Kent picked three of the most dangerous men we had in the team when it came to close quarters fighting and three drivers for the buses and truck we were taking. I wanted to avoid the roads as much as possible on the way to get the hostages and Kent reminded me it would be faster if we knew the roads a little so we could move faster on the way out. I thought about it and gave the order that we were to avoid any enemy we found on the way in. You're right that we might be able to get out faster if we know the roads, but if we get those people killed because we shot our way in there wasn't any point being here. We're here to rescue these people not get them killed.

When we got to the building we were headed for I gave the order and the driver of the truck radioed Sara letting her know it was time. We stepped in the building and took out four guards watching the foyer. We headed for the elevators and in short order disabled them. When we reached the stairs we encountered six more enemy and dispatched them as quietly as possible. We didn't know if they had a security office with cameras for watching, but we did know that the measures we had installed when we secured this building years before were still in place and still functioning. I motioned for everyone to take positions and set charges to bring the building down once we had everyone safely outside.

We reached the room the hostages were held in and Kent and I slipped in as quietly as we could. The guard by the door raised his hand to stop us and got a knife through his heart for his trouble. I worked my way around the room from left to right while Kent went from right to left. Just as we started moving seven men came in dragging someone and throwing them in the middle of the room. The guy in charge looked around the room and pointed at me saying something I didn't understand. The person standing next to me said he was going to take me to his office and rape me. I smiled and thought of the last time someone tried to rape me. His men grabbed my arms like I was going to put up a fight which I knew would be futile at this point as it wouldn't do anything but get someone else hurt. Kent looked over at me asking if I wanted to act now or later. I told him to find out if anyone else was missing and I would deal with this clown in my own way. The person I had been standing next to started to say something about not knowing me or Kent so I kicked him in the groin sending him to his knees. I turned my attention to the men holding me killing both of them in short order. The person in command had drawn his gun and came over to me wanting to know who I was, because he didn't remember seeing me before. As he got close enough for me to get a good look at him recognition came in his eyes and he froze. He started to say something and Kent put his blade through his throat cutting off whatever it was he was going to say. I looked around the room seeing that all the guards had been dispatched and told everyone to get on there feet we were leaving, and now, anyone who couldn't make it on their own I ordered men who looked fit enough, to help. When we left the room they all turned to the elevator and Kent pointed them toward the stairs.

I asked if there was anyone else we might have missed being told that everyone was there by several of the people, one man said his wife was missing, and someone else said they had seen her with the other prisoners. I thought about the layout of the building and what we had been able to determine about the location of the hostages and remembered seeing another room that didn't look like hostages, but did look a lot like they might be prisoners. I turned to Kent and told him to get these people loaded on the bus while I took two of the men back in to rescued the others. We got to the room and stopped listening for what might be taking place inside. If these people were prisoners they were the kind that got special privileges for some reason. I motioned for the men to take positions on either side of the door and kicked it in splintering it as it gave in.

We went in with our weapons in hand and two men raised rifles and were dropped before they more than started to bring them up. I saw a man laying on a woman and walked over and put my hand gun against his head.

"If I were you I would move very slowly and get my ass up," I told him not caring if he understood English or not.

He put his hands to either side of the woman and slowly pushed up off her, moving his legs to stand. When he was standing he turned toward me and my mouth dropped open. I wanted to pull the trigger and end this bastards' life, but had no way of justifying doing so.

"Surprise meeting you here Andrea. You don't mind me asking just what you're doing here do you?"

I told everyone if they wanted to go home they would follow my men down to the vehicles we had waiting and I would see they got home to their respective countries. I turned my attention back to the man standing in front of me with his pants down around his knees and told him if it was up to me he would already be dead for what he had done to my sister, but he had the same rights as everyone else and if he was willing to follow orders I would see he got home in one piece. He laughed at me telling me he didn't need my help getting home, he was a guest of the people who now ran this country and was free to come and go as he pleased. He said when the people running the show here had me and my men rounded up he was going to ask that he be allowed to have me as a prize.

I laughed and aimed my gun at his manhood and pulled the trigger. He went to his knees cussing and swearing that I had made the biggest mistake of my life and he would see I paid, and paid dearly for shooting him. I told him if he wanted to see me pay he had one minute to be down in the bus or when the building came down it was coming down with him in it.

"You see Bruce the men running this place at the moment happen to be my men the ones you so admire are all locked in the basement and if they survive will have spent so much of their energy digging themselves out they won't feel like making any trouble for anyone for a while." I shot him again to finish the job the first bullet started and walked out. When I got to the buses I ordered that everyone get on and headed for the truck.

"Ma'am there isn't room for all of us on the buses," some guy said as I got in the truck and grabbed the machine gun making sure it was loaded and mounted securely.

I looked down at the guy making the complaint and told him he could either get on one of the buses or run behind, but we weren't waiting if he chose the later. I gave him to the count of three and waved the buses to move out. As they started moving he ran over and hopped on one and the driver closed the door and started picking up speed. I motioned for Kent to move out and hit the trigger for the explosives we set in the building, ducking to avoid getting hit by any debris that might fly when the charges went off.

Once the charges stop going off I turned to look and the building was nothing but a pile of rubble. I turned back to the road ahead and told Kent to move ahead of the buses so we could take out any check points before the buses got to them. Once we had the airstrip there were two mig's sitting there and decided that it was time Becky earned her keep hoping I wasn't making a mistake allowing her to fly one. We reached the gate and were greeted by Fixit and Wrench waving us through saying the birds were almost ready and we should be able to go as soon as everyone was aboard. They jumped on the truck once the buses were by on their way to the hanger the birds were near. As we pulled up I told Fixit that he was flying the second passenger plane and he better go get familiar with the controls as he only got one shot at getting it right. Sara came up and said she didn't know outfitting two birds with missiles the way the men had done was possible, but felt safer knowing she wasn't going to be defenseless should any of the enemy get by the fighters.

I told Kent I wanted him to run a perimeter until the passenger planes were loaded and ready to take off, then we needed to get to our plane so we could escort them to safety. Once all our passengers were on board the planes Becky started arguing with Fixit about who was flying the plane him or her. When she heard I said he was she glared at me thinking I had resigned her to flight attendant status.

"Ma'am I am quite capable of flying this bird out of here," she said giving a disgruntled gesture.

"Yes Becky you are, but you are also the second best pilot here in a fighter and right now that's what I need, Fixit is also more than capable of flying that bird out of here, but he can't hit the broad side of a barn with a fighter so since we have two fighters both armed I need someone who can fly the second one since I can only fly them one at a time."

Her eyes lite up when she heard second fighter running over to one of the mig's and up the ladder to the cockpit sliding into the pilots seat. Once we were all buttoned into our planes and had the engines running I gave Becky the signal to lead the way followed by Fixit, Sara, and me bringing up the tail. Becky was air born almost as soon as she hit the runway followed by Fixit who used most of the runway to get in the air. Sara used less of the runway then Fixit, but still used most of it and once they were all in the air I hit the runway and went air born as fast as Becky had. I gave the order that the passenger planes were to climb to 30.000 feet and turn toward home and told Becky to cover them until they were there. I turned my plane back to the airstrip and fired a missile at the tower, then strafed the runway doing my best to make it unusable. And followed the other birds up to 30,000 feet. As I came alongside the passenger planes I noticed we had company coming up behind us and told Fixit and Sara to head home and if they turned back to try helping I would shoot them down then told Becky we had uninvited company and we needed to let them know they weren't welcome. We each broke off the passenger planes to cut the visitors off leaving the passenger planes to fend for themselves should any of our visitors get by us. As we closed on the enemy planes Becky armed her missiles ready to fire them when I told her she needed to save them for when they would do her the most good. I broke to the left and closed on the lead plane firing a short burst hitting it in the engine taking it out. As I flew past four of the enemy followed me while the other three went after Becky. I looped over coming in behind the last plane that broke off to follow me hitting again a short burst from my guns taking out his engine. In the mean time Becky had fired two of her missiles taking out one of the planes that engaged her and had one dogging her so close he couldn't help hitting her if he fired. I took out another of the enemy I was engaged with then turned toward Becky who now was in serious trouble with the guy dogging her, thus far she had been able to evade his fire, but he was now locking in on her and her knowledge of this bird limited her ability to escape him. I told her to brake to the right and came in behind her tail causing a jet wave that her tail would have to fly through. As I flew across his path he fired riddling my plane before I could maneuver away from him. I banked left coming in behind him firing a short burst hitting his fuselage and apparently taking out his controls as he ejected seconds later.

I asked Becky if she was ok, and she said she was about out of ammo. I told her she wasn't doing me any good here then, and to head for the passenger planes to give them a little more protection than the missiles they had. I had one plane come in behind me trying to lock his weapons so I headed for the other two and flew between them just as the guy on my tail fired a missile. As I came in front of the other planes I broke to the right and the missile locked on the plane I had just cut off taking him out. I went into another loop coming out without completing it with the guy behind me not able to follow and over committing so I was able to come in behind and fire my last missile taking him out the other plane I guessed had enough as he broke off heading back where ever he had come from, so I let him go and joined the rest of the team just as we crossed into friendly territory. A few seconds later we were joined by a flight of F16's telling us we were now clear and they would lead us home.

I hit the intercom and asked Kent if he was ok and if so if he could take the controls.

"I'm fine ma'am and if you really want me to I guess I can handle it now."

I released the controls to him and put my hand on my side hoping I wouldn't find what I knew I would. I tried to maintain asking Earl how far to base, and trying to figure out how long that would take. I asked if there was anything closer and he said as far as he knew the base was the only place for miles. I started talking to Kent trying to stay conscious hoping the bleeding had stopped, and feeling fainter with every passing heart beat. I looked at the fuel gauge and tried to calculate how much fuel we had left and whether, or not we had enough to break away and head for the base faster. As I thought I had the answer Earl came on the radio telling Kent he really needed to get moving as I wasn't looking very good and he would hate to see anything happen to me if it could be avoided. Kent pushed the throttle as far as it would go and the plane lurched forward, with Earl right beside us calling the base to let them know we were going to need medical personal and an ambulance.

As we approached Kent didn't cut the power and I heard the tower say something about him coming in to fast. We touched down and I blacked out. We came to a stop and Kent released the canopy leaning over my seat asking how I was doing. He told me to hold on help was on the way and he wasn't going to let me go this easy. He dropped the ladder and then lifted me out and climbed down the ladder setting me on the gurney so the medical team could work on me. While the medical team worked to stabilize me so the ride to the hospital wouldn't kill me the other aircraft came in and my men formed a circle not allowing anyone but the medical staff through.

I don't remember much from the following two weeks other than one day waking up and seeing Kent, Sara and Becky sitting there all watching me. I closed my eyes wondering where I was and why I was still alive. I remembered being shot in the dog fight and getting everyone back in friendly territory, but I didn't remember anything after that. There was a flash of time we were on the ground and Kent was leaning over me and I gave him something. I didn't remember what I gave him only that it was something I felt was very important and I trusted him to do what ever it was I needed done with it.

"Kent!" it came out a whisper, but he seemed to hear it and came over where I was laying. "Did you take care of what I gave you?" I asked.

He held up an envelope and said he hadn't done anything with it yet. An envelope? So what ever it was, was a letter, but to whom? I took his hand and gave it a squeeze and was gone again into blissful sleep.

I woke up again some time later I had no idea how much time, but it was now dark. I looked around the room realizing I was in a hospital and my side hurt horribly. I had been wounded when I cut the fighter tailing Becky off trying to draw him away from her so she could get home with everyone else. Becky was there so whatever I did seemed to have worked. Was Kent alright I looked around again and saw him sitting in a chair next to my bed sleeping soundly. It seemed I was the only one who was hurt from the nightmare that had been a mission I never should have accepted. What was going to happen to my personal life back home. I remembered I had a boyfriend, but had no idea what his name was or what he looked like. Sara saw I was awake and sat on the edge of the bed stroking my cheek asking in a whisper if I was feeling any better. I moaned and she asked if I hurt and should she get the nurse.

I must have said something about being thirsty because she held a glass of water for me and helped me sit up a little so I could take a swallow. Did I hurt? God yes I hurt. Did I want a nurse? No I didn't want a nurse I wanted to know who my boyfriend was. I asked her if we could talk and she nodded that she was here for me what ever I needed.

"Who's my boyfriend?" I needed to know and couldn't remember other than I knew I had one.

She looked at me curiously, so I looked over at Kent. I knew Kent wasn't my boyfriend, but I didn't remember my boyfriends name or face and Kent seemed the best way to explain. In words I didn't know at the time. I turned back to her and she giggled that it wasn't Kent and then said she thought his name was Jeff from what she remembered me saying and Kent talking about someone named Jeff being on his way and was allowed through to me when he got here.

I thought about it and finally remembered a Jeff in my life. Jeff Masters the man I worked for after I was retired back in... back in... I didn't remember when I had been forced into retirement, just that I had been. If I was retired what was I doing in that airplane shooting at some enemy I shouldn't have been facing? The questions seemed to come out of no where and none of them had answers as I didn't know how to form the words to ask the questions.

I closed my eyes and woke again several hours later with Jeff sitting on the edge of my bed smiling when I opened my eyes. I smiled at him and told him I missed him horribly and never wanted to be away from him again. He leaned down to kiss me and I tried to sit up to find I couldn't feel my legs and my side hurt so much with the attempt I fell back to the bed and closed my eyes trying to fight the pain. Jeff called for a nurse and I told him I didn't need a nurse I just needed a little help sitting up so I could see him easier. He said he didn't think it was a good idea and I scowled at him and tried again this time sliding up a little, but nowhere near enough to be sitting before the pain had me again on my back trying to catch my breath. He said something about me hurting myself if I didn't stop, I looked at him and said if he would help I wouldn't have to hurt so much trying to look at him and anyone else who might be in the room.

He helped me slid up enough I was half sitting and half laying and I thanked him as a nurse came in and said she didn't think it was a good idea that I be moving and sitting like that. I told her if she wanted to be in the other bed all she needed to do was keep bitching about me doing something like trying to get comfortable and I would see to it she was accommodated. She huffed at me that Generals were worse than doctors when they were patients and I looked at Kent and asked him just what she had meant by that. I was a Colonel not a General and I had never been good at being a patient and likely never would be good at it.

"Ma'am there's something you need to know. While you were unconscious General Collins and the President stopped by and gave all of us a promotion and some accommodations like the Presidential metal of honor and bronze star. Ma'am you got a couple others too and I was asked to see you got them when you were able." I looked at Kent and sat there waiting for him to continue. He came over and set a couple small boxes on the bed and then opened one and showed it to me. I gasped not believing what I was seeing as I knew there weren't many who ever got that metal and were able to see it. There in that box sat the highest award any soldier could ever hope to receive and he was saying it was mine, the Congregational medal of honor was awarded only rarely and only to the bravest soldiers, and they were saying I had earned it. I started crying not from the pain I felt in my side, but from the pain I felt in my heart as I felt that everyone of my men had done more to earn that medal than I had.

Sara picked up the next little box opening it and holding it out so I could see that she held the Presidential metal of honor a metal cherished nearly as much as the Congregational metal of honor and again said I had earned it. I wiped at the tears smearing them across my face, when Becky opened the next box holding it for me to see that it held the purple heart, a metal I had received other times but still no less touching to my soul. The last box Jeff picked up and opened and handed to me. I looked inside and there in that little box was a ring with two General stars. He asked me if I would marry him and I cried even harder as he slipped the diamond on my finger.

The next couple days I showed great strides in recovering, so much so I was getting anxious to go home. I wanted to get back to the life I had before General Collins showed up asking me to do what he was sure no one else could. Jeff came in and looked at me sitting there working on a crossword puzzle and getting frustrated because I had no idea what the programs were that were the keys to the puzzle. He smiled and asked me if there was something wrong and I threw the puzzle at him telling him if he thought it was so funny he could do it. He picked up the puzzle and looked at it and said it looked easy enough if I ever watched TV. I threw the pencil at him and informed him I didn't watch TV, because the news was so one sided you couldn't trust anything they said, and the other programming was so stupid it never made any sense to me how anyone could watch it.

Kent, Sara and Becky came in just as I threw the pencil, and laughed when I said I never watched TV and why. I scowled at all of them and they laughed even harder. They asked if there was anything I wanted and I looked at them. Were they serious about that or just trying to pacify me so I didn't throw anything else. I opted to take the chance they were serious and told them I wanted to go home.

"General the doctor said you need a couple more weeks before you would be able to move without doing more harm and possibly re-injuring yourself," Sara said.

I looked for something else to throw and couldn't find anything. "Major I don't give a damn what the doctor said I want out of this torture chamber and I want out now."

The doctor walked in just then and said if I didn't start taking it easy and stop throwing things he was going to put me in a straight jacket. I looked at him and told him to try putting me in one of those things. He took a step back and started to turn.

"Doctor you don't have enough people in this hospital to restrain me if I don't want to be restrained."

He turned back to me and asked just what it was I wanted. I told him I wanted to go home and if he was willing to allow that I would try hard to follow what ever rules he set and told him those from my unit still here would insure I did and were more than capable of doing just that.

"General Jensen I wish I could believe you because I would love nothing more than to let someone else have the problems that come with you. I have never had a patient who so thoroughly cowed my nurses and orderlies. Between your threats and these peoples looks none of my staff wants to have anything to do with you."

"I'm the first person they would want if they were in the boat those hostages were in though wouldn't they? Doctor let me go home then I won't be the menace I am here."

He signed a paper and handed it to Jeff saying he didn't have any idea how he could handle me, but I was now in his care and the sooner he got me out of here the easier it would be for his staff to get their work done. He turned and walked out of the room saying he hoped I tore every stitch, but was sure they wouldn't dare tear because they were to afraid I might get mad at them if they did.

I sat up straight and slid my legs over the side of the bed getting up to find my uniform so I could get dressed. When I didn't find it Jeff asked me what it was I was looking for.

"I'm looking for my uniform honey," I said. I turned to Kent and he shrugged, so I turned to Sara and Becky. They giggled and reached under the bed pulling out a box that contained a new dress uniform with my new rank and all my ribbons pinned to it. I smiled and thanked them and told them I wanted to get dressed and if they didn't want to help they better give me a little privacy. All but Jeff stepped out saying they were sure I was a big girl so I was able to dress myself.

I pulled off the robe no one likes and slipped on a pair of panties and bra, pulling on the skirt and buttoning the shirt and tucking it into the skirt. I slipped on the black heels and found the cap putting it on so I felt like I was really a General in the USAF. Jeff gave me a hand by holding the mirror while I brushed my hair then helping me to my feet letting me lean on him on the way out. As I emerged from the room each of my men still there came to attention giving me a salute as I past. I marked each of them as I past.

Fixit (Andrew Briggs), the best mechanic I had ever seen, Wrecker, (John Allen) the best car thief in the military, not that he real stole the vehicles, but he did have an uncanny way of always knowing were the vehicle we needed was and how to acquire it for us. Techy (Terry Small), Password (Anthony Richards), and Radar (Edwin Fairchild), the heart of my information, so capable of getting whatever I might need through electronic means. Sarge, (Kent Jensen) my right hand and best friend. Major Sara Walker, one of the best pilots I have ever known and had the privilege of having under my command. Captain Becky Collins, still so young and inexperienced yet willing to give everything for what she believes in.

I thought of all the times these men and women did what I asked because they trusted me to protect them and get them home in one piece. If they knew the doubt I had every time we were given a mission what would they think of me then? Would they still be here giving me such an honor? I smiled as I felt a tear run down my cheek. How many people had I touched just as I had these people? How many knew it was because of the kind of dedication these men and women had for me and each other that made completing those missions possible?

As we came to the cafeteria, I turned in saying I wanted to take a break and get something to drink as well. Jeff helped me to a chair and went and got me a cup of coffee as the rest of the unit got a cup of coffee and took seats with us. "Major tell me now that you have seen what can be done with a unit such as this what are your plans?"

She looked around the table and focused on me and said she hoped that one day she could command a unit very much like this one. The team work was a thing of beauty and she was proud she had the opportunity to be a part of it. She looked over at Becky and smiled as she thought of the dog fight she had seen in the videos of the mission, turning to her and telling her she didn't think she could have been as much help if she had been the one flying the second fighter.

"Ma'am I'm proud I was chosen for this mission and I'm proud of the fact I have never been shot down in mock dog fights, but the one time I did face a real enemy I panicked and lost my bird and nearly got another pilot killed in the process."

I looked at her and told her one day she would make a hell of a commander of a special unit and when the time came she should ever be faced with fighting she would get it right because it wasn't just her, but all of her men and who knew how many others depending on her.

I turned to Becky next and asked her much the same question. Saying I was never prouder then I was flying with either of them because I knew I had people up there I could count on to do what needed to be done, and didn't let superior odds stop them from winning.

Becky looked at me and smiled. "Ma'am with all respect it is you who did what needed to be done. From watching the videos of the fight you took the bullet that was meant for me, allowing me to make it back safely. You then fought on even though you were wounded discouraging the enemy from engaging further. Ma'am if I could earn half the respect from my men you have from yours I would feel I have accomplished something few female officers have ever accomplished."

Jeff's pilots came in about then and I looked at the Captain trying to remember where I had seen him before. They came over and asked Jeff if we would be leaving soon as they had received word we were leaving that day. He turned to me and his eyes lit up seeing the rank on my collar. "Ma'am I've heard a lot about you from some of your people," he bowed and removed his hat.

"Captain Connors isn't it?"

He looked at me more closely and still didn't know how it was I might know who he was, but did admit he was Gary Connors and had served in the USAF under a Lt. Colonel Jensen.

"I hope you don't mind Captain but I think I want my pilots flying me home," I said. "It isn't anything personal mind you just that the Lieutenant Gary Connors I remember almost got me killed instead of captured several years ago, shortly after I put together one of the most elite units in the military. Surely you remember the fight, you were young, and it was your first mission and your commanding officer was shot down making sure everyone in their command made it out."

He looked at me even more closely and cussed. "I'm sorry General I didn't... I didn't have any combat experience then. After seeing how you and some of the others fought I was never so helpless again, but then I was never outnumbered like that again."

I assured him he had done fine that he wasn't the reason I had been shot down back then, but I still wanted my own pilots to fly me at least into Andrews Air Force Base. I told him if he would at least give me that honor I would be willing to forget how poorly he had flown during that mission where I was his commander. He said it would be an honor to allow someone I felt comfortable with fly his plane, after all he might learn something if they were willing to allow him the opportunity to at least observe.

I told Sara and Becky to go out with Gary and let him go over the bird with them then have Fixit go over the work he had done so they knew what they could and couldn't do if the time came. As they all left I turned to Kent and asked him to be honest with me about what everyone who was still here was doing.

"Andrea we've all offered to help out Sara and Becky in building units like the one you and I built, then help them get those units trained."

"So what I do here has no play in what the rest of you are doing then?"

"We're hoping you'll help as well. Andrea you know more about battle tactics then anyone I know, myself included. Your experience and leadership would prove invaluable when it comes to the training phase, though I believe without you we would have trouble getting the men who would be the best suited to be part of units like this."

I looked over at Jeff and thought of all the time we had lost because I was assaulted and called names even threatened to be arrested all because I wanted to be me. I thought of the first mission I had done when I first started putting together a team that could do what we had just done. I had no idea what I was doing and I made some big mistakes because I picked men from their files and not from their hearts. I thought about all the missions we had done once I got the unit where it was in the end. How many men couldn't take the extreme pressure a unit like this required. Yes those first men could follow orders, but they didn't take the initiative to follow through without the orders and had in turn nearly gotten us all killed. Could I let Sara and Becky go through that or was I willing to make sure they got the people that could insure them success and the best chance of getting back in one piece?

"Thank you Kent. You've given me a lot to think about here. Now what are the chances of you finding a wheelchair so I don't have to try walking all the way to the plane or are we going to be here another week at least."

Jeff helped me in the chair and insisted that he push the chair to the plane, when we got to the plane he looked at the chair and knew I was in no shape to climb all those stairs and knew he wouldn't be able to carry me up them either. Kent came over and picked me up and headed up the stairs two at a time. Jeff pushed the chair away from the plane a little and ran up the stairs as well once we were all on board and the door shut I said I wanted to watch the flight from the cockpit and promised I would stay out-of-the-way once I was seated. Kent looked at Jeff as though Jeff might not approve then took me in the cockpit and set me in the second navigator seat. Saying he was only going to let me stay there until we were air born, then I needed to get some rest.

As we were preparing for take off Sara and Becky both asked me if I didn't want to trade them places until we were in the air. "Major, Captain I have full faith in your abilities to fly this aircraft or I wouldn't have asked you to fly it." They went back to their preparations and never said another word to me about flying the airplane.

About forty-five minutes into flight we were hailed by the Nimitz tower asking who we were. Sara told them we were Rogue One and headed for Andrews Air Force Base, General Jensen had an appointment with the President and he was expecting us. The commander of the Nimitz an Admiral Miller said he didn't believe that we were who she said and said he was sending aircraft up to check us out. Just as we were coming into view of the Nimitz we watched as they launched four F-14's to come check us out. As they came alongside the Admiral radioed that he wanted to talk to General Jensen as he didn't see the General and knew if the General were on board would insist on flying. I took the radio and asked who he thought he was to question my pilots in this manner, getting back that he personally knew General Jensen and I didn't sound like him.

He backed off and fell in behind us arming his weapons trying to get a lock on us. "Major if he locks us I am personally going to bust you back to Captain and see to it that you never get another shot at running a command like mine," I said.

She cut to the left making the Admiral fly by and play catch up with us, just as he came back on our tail she looped over coming in behind him and bringing our weapons on line getting him in a weapons lock. "Admiral I suggest you stand down your weapons of I will give the order to fire ours."

He chuckled and turned off his weapons trying to come back alongside us. I told Sara and Becky if he came alongside I was firing both of them, and they fell back in behind him. "General Jensen you have some very impressive pilots," Admiral Miller said. "Surely you can take a joke General."

"I can take a joke just fine Pete, but I didn't find anything funny about what you just did, nor what you did the last time we shared the skies. I had five years to remember that, and decide whether, or not I wanted to do anything about it while you did your damnedest to see that my command was torn apart. You going to deny it was you who shoot me down that day Pete?"

"You can't prove that General. If you could you would have done so by now."

"Strange Pete, but that sounds a little like admission to me, but I don't need your admission to it the Lieutenant that was flying my wing saw you do it and has agreed to tell the President and Joint Chiefs when we get to Andrews."

Pete tried to pull the same move Sara had to us and found before he was able to bring his weapons on line again we had him in a weapons lock again. "Pete I suggest you get yourself a good lawyer, because you're going to need one after this. Now stand down and land or I will shoot you out of the sky." I turned to Radar and told him to block any jamming that might come from the Nimitz and get Andrews on the line for me.

Pete gave up on trying to get away from us and ordered his planes back to the Nimitz and landed himself. A moment later Radar told me the Nimitz was trying to block us from contacting Andrews, but he had them scratching their asses wanting to know why it wasn't working.

"Andrews this is General Jensen in Rogue One."

"Rogue One this is Andrews. Ma'am the president is wondering what is keeping you?"

Andrews we had a minor mishap up here with the Admiral of the Nimitz. Admiral Peter Miller I believe."

"Are you filing a complaint against the Admiral ma'am?"

"Andrews I want to file charges of attempted murder against Admiral Miller. I will be more than happy to give the details when I get there, but request an escort Andrews."

"Ma'am you are still outside our Radar but we do have you on satellite and will be following that way until you are close enough we can launch a flight to finish escorting you the rest of the way."

"Negative Andrews if that is the best you can do we will take our chances that if Admiral Miller launches an assault against us we will shoot first, Andrews we are armed and ready to fight if necessary."

We didn't have anymore trouble from Pete and I know he heard the whole of the conservation.

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  22. ##  Home Again?

We entered Andrews radar scopes and were greeted by a flight of F-16's escorting us in.

"General Jensen this is Colonel Samuels we've been given the honor ma'am of escorting you to Andrews. It is my understanding ma'am that Marine One will be waiting for you when you land to take you to the White House."

"Colonel Samuels, this is Major Walker, General Jensen's pilot the General is currently resting and I'm sure waking her at this time would not be a good thing for anyone. She is still very weak from her wounds, but knowing her she would be likely to hit first and worry about who she hit later, and I know first hand that later maybe to late."

"Roger Major I do understand the situation and when the General is awake Marine One will be standing by for her use."

"Major that was probably the most blatant lie I have ever heard," I told Sara. "Charlie how you doing you old saw horse?"

He said he would have accepted that I was resting, but wasn't really surprised I wasn't. He repeated what he said earlier about Marine One standing by to take us to the White House, and added that he was as good as could be expected considering his age and what he had been through.

I laughed at him and reminded him he could have been part of my unit at one time. I was sure he would have loved that going where no one expected you to return from time and again, it kind of made his assignment seem easy.

"Andrea I made it through without a scratch can you say I could have done the same in your unit?"

I laughed again and told him I took very good care of my men and it wasn't often they broke a nail let alone got a scratch, and if they did I was always willing to kiss it better for them. Kent looked at me and saluted me with one finger letting me know he never would have allowed me to have kissed a scratch if one of the men ever got one.

"So General are you planning on going back into retirement or whatever it was you were doing?"

"Charlie this can wait until we can sit over a cup of coffee and I can give you better answers than I can here. By the way Charlie I am resting Kent won't let me do anything else and he has help making sure I follow the doctors orders."

The ride over to the White House was uneventful once the pilot of Marine One understood that Becky was going to be flying us over and back, and if he didn't like it he could take it up with his superiors. We were escorted to the oval office and found ourselves waiting about an hour while the President took care of some other things so he could talk to us without being interrupted every time we paused for a breath.

As the President entered everyone stood up but me, and I stood as much as I felt comfortable lifting out of the wheelchair.

"Please General don't get up I know you are still confined to that cursed chair. Would you all please take seats." He waited while enough chairs were brought in to accommodate everyone then walked around his desk and took a seat himself.

"General you did a hell of a job I was sure couldn't be done. I've seen the kind of operations the special units we have now operate and I don't believe any of them could have matched what you did with a unit that has been inactive for what seven years now? At any rate General I want to know what you plan to do now once you have finished recovering."

I looked at Jeff who I knew hoped I would come back to work with him, then over at my officers and enlisted men. I took Jeff's hand in mine and looked back at the President. "Mr President I've been going over the possible option I have since the day before I was able to get that hack of a doctor to let me out of his house of horrors. With all respect sir this country needs units like mine, and though I'm not able, or willing to try anything like that again, I know of two officers who are more than capable of heading units like that, and I would love to help them do just that." Jeff squeezed my hand knowing I wouldn't be coming back to work with him any time in the near future.

"What would you need to do that General?"

I laid out what I had in mind, he agreed we did need units like mine and he wanted to insure we had them. He asked what I thought was the best way to go about getting units that could handle the kind of crisis I'd handled. I laid out what I thought was the best way to go about it and it would mean having access to everything the units needed, and having to wait six months or more to get things would be totally unacceptable. Once I laid it all out he said it would have to be run through the Joint Chiefs, but he was sure if I could handle them with the same kit gloves I used on him they would give me pretty much whatever I said I needed. He said he would set up an appointment with the Joint Chiefs and the appropriations' committee of congress and I just shook my head.

"With all respect sir I tried to get them to see the need eight years ago and found myself being asked to retire because of it."

"General maybe you just didn't show them the need in the right way last time, that and we had a President at that time who seemed more interested in cutting the military than keeping it the best in the world."

He moved on to other topics asking how I was doing at handling the wheelchair and a life so confined. How things were in my personal life, asking if Jeff and I had set a date yet, when I said I was engaged. When I told him it would have to wait until after I had SRS, he asked me what SRS was. I explained that SRS was sex reassignment surgery and he raised his brow.

"You're a man living as a woman then General?"

I told him that I have always been female, but something happened before I was born causing me to come out having male genitalia. "Mr President you ran on a platform that said people like me were abominations and shouldn't be allowed to have the same rights as the rest of the people in this country. Even knowing your stand about me and others like me, I still chose to help those I could, to have the very same freedoms I myself have been denied."

He had been curious why the one officer everyone was sure would be able to accomplish the mission was a woman, since women hadn't been allowed to be in combat until recently, yet they all insisted that I was the only person who had a chance. He looked at me as though seeing me for the first time. "Tell me General, what led you to take this action, about changing your sex I mean?"

I thought about a way of explaining that I was changing my sex because it didn't match who I am. I finally decided the best way to explain things was to just tell him my story. He listened intently still not understanding, but at least having an idea why I was changing my sex.

"General I am not going to say I understand because I don't, but I do know what it is like to live in confusion. Perhaps not the kind you live in or lived in, but I have been confused enough times to get a small grasp. I can't imagine what it has been like for you and others like you, but I do believe every citizen of this country should have the same rights to express themselves. I assure you I will do all I can to see the discrimination stops."

"Mr President I hope you mean that. I know you do keep your word if you can, but there is so much more to equality than just making laws that say everyone is equal. Sometimes getting those laws enforced isn't as easy as getting the laws. For example how long after the emancipation proclamation did it take before the black man was allowed to vote? Or how long did this country view women as second class citizens? The list goes on Mr President."

He said he needed to step out for a moment and everyone but me rose as he exited the office. When he returned he had the Joint Chiefs with him. He said he made arrangements for a conference room just down the hall that was big enough it would be able to accommodate all of us and he wanted me to lay out the plan for setting up two new special units to replace the unit I had. As we all took seats in the conference room he stood up and said he wanted to have units that could on a moments notice be called on to preform mission such as the one I had just completed. He wanted the men at this table to tell him how he was going to get those units. They all looked at him and each other hoping someone could give an answer as long as it didn't have to be them. He turned to me and asked if I would care to explain what it took to create units such as the one I commanded.

"Gentlemen I must tell you this is not easy for me because of this damned chair the doctor says I'm supposed to use so if you will bare with me a moment." I turned to Kent asking if he would help me stand so I could better explain what it was I intended. Kent came over and took one side as Jeff took the other and helped me to my feet, I thanked them and turned my attention to the men sitting there waiting to hear whatever it was I had to say."

"Gentlemen some of you know me some don't," I started. "For those of you who do, you know the changes I've made for the rest of you I am what you see before you, a mere General. Gentlemen I purpose that you set a base aside for training and recruiting purposes dedicated to this special forces group. The training to be in a unit like this is very extensive and does take a lot of time. In the mission I just completed I had an advantage that the men who made up the command knew their jobs and they knew their commander. When I was asked about handling such a mission I was told I would have three months to prepare on day three we got our orders that the mission was a go and right now."

"Gentlemen you don't have that avenue available to you again while my command team is still intact the remainder of the unit has again left the military to resume the lives they left to answer the call. I don't blame them nor do I blame them for saying they couldn't answer the call again because this mission took a lot out of them and they hadn't been given the time they needed to prepare."

"What I am proposing is that Accord Air Force Reserve Base be given full status and command of that base be given over to me or some other equally qualified commander and the recruiting for these units be done from there along with the training. This base has easy access to most any kind of terrain these teams might encounter along with the unanimity of a base most haven't heard of making it an easy base to keep the secrets of what is going on there quiet."

"General, no disrespect here, but shouldn't something like this be done by men?"

"Admiral that is a very good point lets take a look at it shall we? Admiral what do you think your chances would be right now of defeating me in hand to hand combat? Remember Admiral I am recently wounded and needed help to get out of that wheelchair."

"General aside from that you are a woman also, I don't see what the point is you are trying to make here, but to humor you I would say the chances are very good I could defeat you in hand to hand."

"Sargent what odds would you give the Admiral of being able to defeat me in my present condition? No disrespect Admiral, but Sargent Jensen has know me for a number of years. Sargent?"

"Ma'am having never seen the Admiral fight I would be willing to give a hundred to one odds on you winning."

"Come now Sargent surely you can't believe this strapping young lady could have that good of a chance of winning?"

"No sir now that I think about it you are right, her odds are probably closer to a thousand to one of her winning. Admiral have you ever seen General Jensen fight? I have sir, and it is something to see. I remember when we rescued her from a POW camp after she had been shoot down during what was supposed to have been a routine mission to find the best pilots. Sir when we went in that camp General Jensen was worth fifteen men and she was not in the best of shape after having been there five years. I have seen the General in action sir, like after she had been wounded on our way out with the hostages. Sir she never let on she was hurt until we were free of the border and had friendly aircraft escorting us back to the base we launched our rescue from. I know sir because I was in the aircraft with her and had no idea until she turned the controls over to me to get us back."

"That is all very admirable Sargent, but what does that have to do with why we are here right now?"

"Admiral it has everything to do with why we are here right now. There isn't another commander in the military who could give these units the President is asking for what they need to succeed. No other commander in the history of this country has been able to do as the General has and never once lost a man under her command, while at the same time taking men behind enemy lines time and again to rescue hostages and prisoners, never once failing in their mission."

"Surely you are mistaken Sargent..." He turned to General Collins who was confirming the truth of what Kent said. "It seems that you are correct Sargent though it does seem strange when hearing it the first time. It seems the General also thinks you are giving me more credit than I deserve about a fight with General Jensen, he said my chances of winning were none and that was if she were still in the hospital unconscious. So with everyone thinking my chances of such a fight with you General are so bad tell me why they would be so bad, if you don't mind."

"Simple Admiral, Sargent Jensen here is a master in six forms of martial arts and thought for sure when we first met he could walk on me because he was so tough and I was so much smaller. He found out the hard way that in martial arts size doesn't mean a lot and that I hold a master belt in twelve forms of martial arts..." I turned to Kent and he corrected me that it was fifteen. " I stand corrected Admiral, it is fifteen forms I hold a masters belt in."

Everyone at the table whistled softly at that and the Admiral sat down. "General Collins you know me as well as most anyone so tell me General is there anyone else you would feel comfortable giving this kind of command to?"

Jim stood up and everyone turned to hear what he might say. "General there are many fine commanders in this military, but when it comes to something like this I can't think of anyone better qualified for the job, and no one I would trust to be able to handle it, seeing that the units had what they needed when they needed it. General if you say Accord is the best base for this type of training I know the Colonel who is the current base commander is planning to retire shortly, so I have no problem saying it is your base to command and train the units we so desperately need to keep this country safe from all threats."

Each of the others at the table agreed that the units were indeed needed and that there wasn't anyone better qualified for the job then the commander who had already set a unit like this up. They said they would have the orders ready by the time I left to go home and also said they would allow me full access to the personnel files of everyone in the military so I had the largest possible pool to choose from. I asked about supplies and they said I had access to whatever the military had or would have and I wouldn't have to wait longer than thirty days for anything.

I looked at the President and smiled knowing he paved the road for this to happen, I went over to Jim and gave him a big hug thanking him for having such faith in me. When I turned Jeff was standing there with his puppy dog eyes looking at me knowing I was now set on a course only I could walk and he would always be left out just a little. He helped me back to my chair and smiled trying to be supportive while at the same time just a little jealous I had made it look so easy. I turned to Becky. "Major lets go home." She looked at me and smiled knowing that this was also part of what it was I had bargained for.

As we got on the plane I handed my old Lt Colonel clusters to Sara and told her I thought they might look better than the clusters she had on her shoulders now and had her give her Major clusters to Becky. I wheeled over to Kent and handed him a diamond to sew on his shirt telling him I would have given him another strip but in my view he had enough already, especially since no one would accept that he had more stripes than anyone else as he was already an E-9.

We all made ourselves comfortable in the passenger compartment and Jeff's pilot looked at us and headed for the cockpit. I found my way up there and asked him if he knew where we were headed. He shrugged his shoulders and said he hoped we were headed home finally. I asked him where home was and he said the airport the other side of town from the base. I reminded him that this plane was now equipped with military equipment that was classified and while yes he would normally fly in and out of the airport this time we needed to go to the base so the equipment could be removed. I told him all he needed for clearance to land on the base was my call sign Rogue One and if they said anything further to tell them I was on board and would have anyone who argued for lunch.

When we landed I ordered a car to take the pilots and Jeff to get their cars and told Jeff I would be getting things set up and I wasn't sure when I would be home but not to wait up for me, I would have someone drive me home. The driver on the way over to the command building insisted that he had to fly the flags marking my rank which I swore I was going to destroy the first chance I got. I always hated those cars when I was a junior officer and I was damned if I was going to broadcast my rank everywhere I went now. I wasn't any better than anyone else and I didn't feel the car I was in meant I had to be saluted just because it had a couple stars on the front bumper.

We entered the command building to a flurry of salutes everyone wondering just which officer it was they were saluting since there was a Major, Lt Colonel, and a General. I ignored the majority of the salutes and headed for the office that would be mine in a few days.

"Colonel Williams?" I said as I poked my head in the door.

"Excuse me ma'am, but the Colonel isn't in his office at the moment. Is there something I can help you with."

I turned at the voice and standing there was a little girl wearing Sr Airman stripes. "Can you tell me where the Colonel is?"

"Ma'am the Colonel has been putting in some horrid hours of late and he took off asking that unless it was a national emergency he wasn't to be disturbed."

"Airman when was this the Colonel took off giving those orders?"

She looked at the clock and said she wasn't sure because he had given those orders to the Captain and he wasn't there either. So the man I was replacing was gone since who knew when, and the man he had put in charge was now missing as well.

"Airman I'm General Jensen I am not asking you but ordering you to call the Colonel and tell him he better have his ass here in fifteen minutes or I will personally see his retirement is screwed up worse than mine was, and airman I want the highest ranking officer you can find aside from the officers I brought with me to report to me in this office yesterday." She came to attention and saluted me saying she understood perfectly and turned and ran down the hall no doubt with tears in her eyes knowing she was either going to get in trouble from the Colonel or Captain and wondering what I might do if she didn't do what I said.

"A little hard on her weren't you?"

"Kent I was a lot easier on her then I am going to be on Colonel Williams and Captain whatever his name is when they get here."

He looked around the office and said I needed to get some pictures and stuff to liven the place up a bit. I laughed and told him that was his department as my First Sargent. I wheeled in and shifted from my wheelchair to the chair behind the desk and started going through the drawers.

"So you aren't even going to let the old man move out first huh?"

I wriggled my finger for him to come over and opened the drawers again to show him they were empty and had been for some time. I told him I wanted a new chair and even what chair I wanted and that this desk while nice wasn't going to work for what I needed. As we went over the changes I wanted a Captain walked in saying this office belonged to the base commander and he wasn't going to be happy... he stopped seeing the rank on my collar, and started apologizing saying he hadn't realized I was here already.

"Shut up Captain! Are you the one the Colonel left in charge here?"

He said he was, so I asked just when the last time the Colonel had been in this office. He looked at me like he didn't understand what I said. "Captain how long has it been since Colonel Williams has been on this base? If you lie to me Captain you won't be a Captain very long when I have the proof you lied to me."

"Ma'am I'm not sure how long it has been."

"Has it been within the last twenty-four hours Captain? The last week? How about the last month?"

He looked at me and shook his head he wasn't really sure but he didn't remember seeing the Colonel since I left on my mission, which put it somewhere around three month since the Colonel found the time to come in and see how his base was doing. I took a copy of the orders giving me command of the base and slapped them on the desk telling the Captain to look at them. He glanced down and said he had already received them but hadn't been told when to expect me. He said he heard there was a General on the base but wasn't sure it was me and didn't expect me to be here until morning earliest.

"Captain there is one thing you will find about me I don't lie, I don't give frivolous orders and I expect my orders to be carried out pronto. If I give an order I give a person a chance to question it unless we are in a combat situation. On this base we are not likely to be facing combat so you will always have the opportunity to question my orders, but if you make a habit of questioning my orders you will find yourself hating life. Have I made myself clear Captain?"

"Yes ma'am abundantly clear."

"Good now I want to know where Colonel Williams is and why he isn't here."

"I wasn't here because I didn't see any point in being here Andrea. I hope you don't mind me not using rank."

"Colonel you aren't retired just yet so yes I do mind."

"You're right I'm not retired just yet. I have another two days before I'm free to enjoy what this place hasn't let me enjoy for far too long General. So now that you have so ceremoniously seen to it that I am here what is it I can do for you?"

"First you can tell me how long it has been since you have been here."

I watched you leave hearing everyone say how this was the mission that was going to end your career of always bringing everyone back. I watched as everyone of your men got on that plane and I shook my head knowing that the great Colonel Jensen wasn't done just yet, even though this time it wasn't Colonel Andrew Jensen but Colonel Andrea Jensen leaving. How many times I had seen you leave on one of these missions before and felt the same as everyone else that this was going to be the last. I wondered if maybe you might not bring everyone back this time, but I knew you would be back and you were coming back a General and taking over this base. I knew that because I knew you had reason to return here, since your boyfriend lives and works here.

So you see General I didn't see any point coming in because I knew who was going to replace me and I hoped that I could get Captain Johnson here a little command experience before you came in here with all your high ranking officers and he got lost in the shuffle."

I smiled and shook my head. This old man wasn't really much older than me, but seemed to be decades older. I looked over at Captain Johnson and smiled knowing they were close somehow but not really sure how. I told Colonel Williams this base was his at least for the next couple days and I expected to see him here and wanted him to personally give me a full tour of the place. He smiled and said he would be happy to give me the tour but now that I was here he was officially turning the base over to me. I remembered the feel of those damned flags on the bumper of the car and told him the only way I was accepting command now was if he could make those flags disappear permanently. He laughed and said he wish he knew how but every time he rode around they somehow managed to find command flags for his car as well, and was sure someone was mass producing them and hiding them somewhere he hadn't yet found.

"Captain Johnson my officers will need offices do you think you can find them some, and see to it my men have a place to sleep."

He left with Kent on his heels telling how they hadn't had brass in this place in he couldn't remember when and now it seemed there was going to be brass coming out the wood work, what with a full General and all as the base commander. I heard Kent tell him he had never seen a General like me before and he doubted he ever would again so long as he was there to keep my head from swelling to big. He turned back and winked at me and the door closed. Colonel Williams said he knew most of the furniture in the office wasn't going to be up to my standards then saw the wheelchair sitting next to me, and went quiet. I followed his gaze and stood up and walked around the desk.

"Colonel yes I am supposed to be using that thing for now but the sooner I can get rid of it the better I'll like it."

He asked what happened and since me getting wounded wasn't classified only the particulars of the mission I told him I had been wounded and nearly died if it hadn't been for the dedication of my unit, I likely would have. I think he understood now why my attitude was what it was since there wasn't anyone to greet me when I arrived. I asked to see the supply building first so I could get a desk that would fit what I needed better and a chair I would actually be able to sit in and get some work done.

At the supply building I found a table that would fit in with the desk already there and told them I wanted it in my office before the day was out and the very chair I was so familiar with from working for Jeff as long as I had. I told them to order what ever the rest of my command team wanted within reason and if they didn't have it, to prepare to be placing orders the likes of which this base hadn't seen before. I asked which of them had a top secret security clearance and found out none of them did and started wondering just how I was supposed to run a base where a top secret clearance was almost mandatory if none of my supply people had a clearance high enough to receive the materials we were going to be working with.

"Colonel one of the first things I am going to need will be the personnel files of everyone in supply some of the equipment we will be using is classified and I need someone there who can receive it in and a secure area to house it in when it gets here."

He said he would make sure I had everything I needed before he left on his retirement and asked if I was going to turn this into more than just a refueling base for pilots who misjudged the fuel they needed. I laughed and said pilots that did that would find landing here a tough thing as this whole base was going to be a training base for special forces units like the one I commanded. He asked what his reserve units were supposed to do for their training. I assured him that was being taken into consideration and not to worry they would still have a place to do their weekend warrior thing. From supply we headed over to the flight line to see just what kind of aircraft they had on this base finding there were a half dozen Apache's and a C-130 that had seen better days. I looked through the hangers hoping maybe to find something that might be of some value to the training we were going to be doing and found nothing other than the helicopters on the runway and the C-130. This was starting to look like a lot of work just getting the place so it would be serviceable in a time frame that wouldn't see Major Collins retired before she ever got started

I told him I had seen enough that day and would see him at o-five hundred in the morning and he should come in prepared to work as we had a lot of things that needed immediate attention and he was going to have to help as best he could. He looked at me and said he hadn't been up that early in he couldn't remember how many years and asked if o-seven-thirty would be just as good. I told him if he wanted to spend all day working it was fine by me but I enjoyed having a couple hours of day light left when I called it a day and hated traffic enough that getting up a little early didn't seem that big a deal. He laughed and said he would be here at what ever time I wanted and gave me a salute turning to leave.

Just as I was thinking of calling it a day myself the little Airman I talked to on arriving showed up carrying a stack of files almost as big as she was saying it was the personnel files of everyone in supply just as I requested. I looked at her name on her shirt.

"Airman Andrews, tell me just what is your job around here."

She stood there holding the files and said she was the company clerk or had been when the Colonel had been in charge. I indicated she should set the files on the desk and asked what her ambitions were in the Air Force.

"Ma'am I'm not sure what you mean. I came in as reserve and went full-time when the previous company clerk got out."

"What is it you hope to get out of being in the Air Force? I don't mean anything more than that."

She stood there still holding the files trying to come up with an answer that might sound plausible. I took the files from her and set them on the desk and directed her to a chair asking her to please have a seat as I was getting a cramp looking up at her.

"What is your name Airman? Can you at least tell me that."

"Kathy ma'am. My name's Kathy."

"Ok Kathy tell me do you have any goals in life beyond tomorrow?"

She said she did and started rattling off a list of goals that I remembered from before I forgot who I was. Her goals sounded much like the goals of any teenage girl, and I thought about stopping her, but opted to let her finish since it had been so hard to get her to open up in the first place. As she went on and on both Sara and Becky came in and took seats next to Kathy and sat there just listening with me. After about 5 minutes of rattling on she looked up enough to see they were sitting on either side of her and stopped talking trying to sit at attention and be invisible at the same time.

"Kathy those are all admirable goals, but what do they have to do with the Air Force?" I asked.

She blushed and sat a little lower which I hadn't thought was possible, and asked in a rather meek voice if she could be excused. I smiled at her and said I wanted her to meet two of my finest officers and my First Sargent since Kent walked in just then. She looked around behind her and shrunk down even farther in the chair knowing she had done something wrong and was going to be in more trouble than she had been in, in her life.

"Kathy no one here is going to hurt you or make fun of you, to do so they would have to answer to me and there isn't a single person on this base that wants that. Now Hun why don't you tell me what it is the Air Force can do to help you meet your goals."

She looked at me then the others in the room so I asked each of them to tell what it was they had hoped to get out of being in the Air Force. Sara said something about when she joined they were just starting to allow women to be fighter pilots and while at the academy she heard the stories about Lt Colonel Jensen and how he couldn't be beat in aerial combat. She studied everything and learned that Colonel Jensen had been shot down once and spent five years in a POW camp. She said everything she had been able to find said Colonel Jensen made a mistake trying to save a fellow pilot, but something about it didn't seem right to her. She spent every spare minute studying the way he flew and fought, she took that knowledge and started putting it into her own flying and all her fellow cadets hated when they drew her as an opponent because it was an almost guaranteed lose for them. She said when she got the call saying that Colonel Jensen asked for her she felt so honored because she was now going to get to meet the man she had idolized going through the academy. She wasn't sure what to think when she met me, but was still going to do all she could to earn a place in my unit because it meant she really was the best of the best if she could do that.

Becky had to go back to when she first remembered me and how I had been more instrumental than her dad and brother in choosing the Air Force because she heard all the stories first hand from Jimmy and I about the missions we did. She hadn't been told she had been one of two pilots chosen for the mission, but when I showed up wanting to know why she hadn't shown up as ordered she was ecstatic that I had thought her good enough to replace the pilot I was missing from my unit. She said she remembered me taking her up and teaching her to fly saying one day she would be hell in the skies and maybe even pass me up for being named top pilot ten years in a row.

Kent looked at Kathy and lifted her out of the chair sitting down and setting her on his lap as thought she were a little girl and he was telling her a bedtime story.

"When I joined the Air Force I did so because it was considered the easiest of the branches of the military. I didn't want to be there, but it was better than the alternative of the Army. When I got out of basic and assigned to my first base I started getting in fights with others not really caring if they threw me out since I really didn't want to be there anyway. They put up with me for about three months and shipped me to a unit near the fighting saying if I wanted to fight at least make it worthwhile.

I watched the planes go out and come back in so full of holes I had to patch and make flyable again I got sick. There was one plane I kept a close eye on because it never seemed to have holes in it when it came in. I started watching the pilot that flew that plane day after day and always came back with their flight still in one piece none of their planes needing near the repairs most of the others needed. One day a Major came over and asked what was taking so long with getting his plane ready so he could rejoin the fight. I asked why he didn't try getting in Colonel Jensen's command since the planes in his command never seemed to need the repairs everyone else did. He looked at me and said he wasn't that crazy no one's luck could hold as long as the Colonels and one day he would lose every plane in his command if he didn't quit trying to win the war all on his own.

I had no idea what he meant so I started talking to other pilots and got the same thing. Colonel Jensen was the luckiest bastard in the air and one day it was a sure grave or POW camp for anyone crazy enough to fly with him. I heard Colonel Jensen's crew chief was going back home and volunteered for the job. When the names were drawn my was the only one there and so they said if the Colonel accepted me I had the job but I better either believe in his luck or have my own luck because the only way he didn't take his crew chief with when he flew was if they were sick and in the hospital.

I never expected to make a career out of the Air Force, but one mission with Colonel Jensen and I knew I was going to be there for him no matter what. Some of the missions we flew were incredible to say the least. General I assure you those five years were every bit as hard on me as they were on you because I couldn't get anyone to believe we had a chance."

I looked at Kathy and saw her eyes light up with having the glimpse into the lives of my top officers and NCO's.

"Kathy if you're going to be our company clerk you need to know a little about us and what it is we need and hope to gain from being here. It would help us to also know a little about you aside from the childhood dreams you shared with us."

"So you can see we are all as open as we can be here let me tell you the reason I accepted this job. I was severally wounded in the last mission we did and could easily have said enough. No one would have blamed me if I had taken retirement and gone back to the job I had as a civilian. The problem if I had done that is these two ladies and Sargent Jensen would have been trying to build a unit like the one I built without my experience and eye for detail in planing a battle strategy. I have no doubt they could have done it, they are that good and that dedicated. But a critical element would have been missing and that is experience in a command situation where lives are at risk."

"I was forced into retirement eight years ago because I refused to give in and risk lives with having someone who wasn't there plan my strategies for me. "

"I'm sure you noticed that each of these people referred to Lt Colonel Jensen as a man, and I'm sure you can't see me as that man. I assure you I am the only Colonel Jensen these people know who has the accomplishments they mentioned. I am a male to female transsexual who is living the life test of living in the role of my real gender. I have to do that for at least one year before I can have the surgery correcting my sex to match my gender."

"If I seem hard at times it is because I have had to be hard to get men out of life threatening situations. My men come before my own personal comfort and they always will. You are now one of my men and I hope we can become friends in time."

"It's getting late and I'm sure you're tired. We'll see you at o-seven hundred ready to go to work won't we?"

Kent set her on her feet and she saluted each of us even Kent and thanked me for letting her keep her job, and hoped she could do it good enough to keep it as long as she stayed in. As the door closed behind her Kent looked at me and said she had a lot of potential if we could get her the right clearance so she could be my company clerk. I started handing out files telling them we needed background checks on everyone because we as yet didn't have anyone in supply who had the proper clearance to sign for and secure most of the equipment we were going to be getting in and we needed that long before we needed a company clerk with the right clearance.

They took a look at the stack of files I still had on my desk and sighed. This was going to be no fun going through all these files looking for anything that might make someone a risk we couldn't have. I looked at them and said they should be able to eliminate several of them just from what was in these files and the rest we would pass on to the FBI to do all the leg work on, but in the mean time we needed to get somewhere set up to store what we had on the way already and we would have to handle the security for it until we had someone else in place to take care of it so we could do what we were here for, setting up units to take over for my old unit.

After an hour of sitting there going through files looking for anything that might make someone a security risk we couldn't afford we had maybe twenty files left and our maybe pile had maybe ten files of the eighty or so files we had to go through. I went to pick up the phone and see if Jeff was still up and if he might be able to bring us all something to eat, just as it rang.

Before I could answer it stopped ringing but the light didn't go out so I asked Kent to see if someone was in the outer office still and if so what they were doing there. Just as he reached the door the intercom came on saying I had a call from a Mr Masters, and asking if I wanted to take it. I looked at Kent and told him to bring her in here and have her file with him. I picked up the phone and Jeff asked if I was coming home or sleeping in my new office. I asked him if he would be willing to bring us something to eat and told him whatever he brought would be fine. We said how much we loved each other and gave kisses. I called the front gate letting them know to let him through when he arrived.

"Kathy what are you still doing here?"

She looked at me and said that she never left until the commander or acting commander left for the night. And asked if I ever planned on leaving because she was getting tired and the phone had scared her when it rang. We all laughed that she hadn't left, we all thought when she left the office she was headed home or the barracks or where ever she was staying.

"Kathy, if you wait for me to leave before going home for the night there will be times you are likely to find yourself sitting at your desk when the sun comes up the next day."

"Ma'am if you don't get any sleep you won't be doing anyone any good."

I laughed again. "Now you are starting to sound like my mother."

"My mom says that to me all the time ma'am. It just sounded like something good to say."

Kent handed me the file and I opened it looking to see if maybe there might be something that would disqualify her from being able to be my company clerk.

"Tell me Kathy what are your political views?"

She looked at me strangely then said I couldn't ask that it was against the law.

"Kathy do you want to be the company clerk here?"

She looked at the floor and scuffed her shoe and nodded she did.

"Then I have to ask these questions. I can have you as the company clerk for now, but when we start getting supplies and personnel in here in order for you to be able to remain my company clerk you will need to have a top secret security clearance. If you can't get one nothing I do will make it so you will be able to remain the company clerk here."

"You mean if I can't get... but ma'am my momma lives here and my baby. Ma'am what will I do I can't keep moving and..." She started crying.

"Kathy I have to ask these question because I want you to be able to stay. Everyone of us in this room want you to be able to stay, but there isn't anything we can do if we can't get you a top secret clearance, and that means asking a lot of questions that you may not want to answer." I wheeled over to her and pulled her down on my lap wiping the tears off her cheek.

She looked at me and said she wanted more than anything to belong and she knew she could belong here because we cared. She answered all our questions. And asked if that was all there was to getting a top secret clearance. I shook my head and said this was the easy part now the FBI would be going around talking to anyone they thought might know her asking much the same questions. If they got the same answers she had given she shouldn't have a problem getting the clearance, and she would then be able to stay as my company clerk.

I told her she needed to go home tomorrow was going to be another long day. She asked how long the process would take before she knew if she could stay or not. I told her I wasn't really sure, but everyone we were trying to get clearance for was being expedited to the top of the list in some cases things would come up making someone a security risk, or they would be transferred and go back to the bottom of the list maybe never getting the clearance.

She frowned as though she were sure there would be something that would get in the way of her being able to stay, then thanked me for trying and going home. I never did make it home that night.

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  23. ##  What Might Have Been

At first light the phone rang telling me my new supply officer was on his way along with his staff. Right! I'd been told I would be able to pick my own staff and now they're sending me a new supply officer and not even telling my until he's on his way. I called over to the control tower and told them we had a plane coming in and what its call sign was. I called the MP's and told them we had an officer coming in I wanted in my office within five minutes of his arrival on the base, but the command officer was to be the only one allowed off the plane without my authorization.

Colonel Williams finally showed up at o-eight hundred after assuring me he would be here at o-five-thirty at the very latest.

"So glad you could make it Colonel," I said smiling as he walked in.

He looked up then looked down at his watch. "Sorry ma'am I had a little trouble with the little lady."

"I'm sure you did. After all you've been acting like you were already retired three months ago. So yes, I can see why she might cause a little trouble. Since you couldn't find your way out of bed and in here before now we'll see what we can get done before midnight, maybe you'll remember what it's like to follow through on your word."

"Don't you ever get tired General? Does everything have to be done now?"

"Colonel you retire in two days time and it usually takes over a month to transfer a base from one commander to another. Add to that the nature of what this base has been and what I am turning it into. I believe Colonel in light of everything I'm far from trying to do everything all at once. I am trying to make this transition as smooth as possible for everyone and it seems for every step I take forward someone is pushing me back. Your supply depot doesn't have a single person in it with a clearance to start receiving in the equipment we'll need on this base. The files on half your base are so disorganized it will take months to figure out what and where anything is. Do I need to keep going Colonel?"

He paused before saying anything and just stood there hoping I was done. "General I apologize for how you've found things thus far, but I don't see how your problems affect me. You knew this base wasn't a secure base before you decided you had to have it for whatever it is you plan on doing."

"You're right Colonel I did know it wasn't the most secure base in the military, but to find what I have is deplorable. A total lack of care on your part and the part of those stationed here. I seriously doubt I could find a single base even among the national guard that is so vulnerable, and that is as much your doing as anyone's because you failed to maintain any semblance of military decorum.

As I recall I asked you to be here at o-five hundred and you said you would, then you come in here at o-eight hundred as though you don't have a care in the world. If this is what I can expect from you I can only imagine what I can expect from those stationed here. You are dismissed Colonel I think I can manage without your help quite nicely, as I have the best there is in the people I've brought with me."

He started to say something and I told him again he was dismissed. I had seen enough of what kind of things I could expect from those stationed here with him around. Since I had arrived those stationed here seemed to be coming back to life, to a purpose in life again. Something that under the command of Colonel Williams disappeared.

I hit the intercom and asked Kathy to have the MP's escort Colonel Williams off base. I then turned back to him and said I didn't want to see him on my base again. As far as I was concerned he was retired and could do whatever he wanted, but the farther he did it from this base the better.

About an hour after Colonel Williams left Colonel Barns was escorted into my office.

"General may I ask the meaning of this?"

I looked up and started laughing. "Kevin I had no idea it was you who was on the way when I gave those orders." I turned to the Sargent on Kevin's left and told him to allow the rest of the men to get off the plane and see they were shown to the barracks. "What the hell are you doing here Kevin? The last time I invited you to be part of my unit I vaguely remember you telling me when this country no longer needed a military you might think of being in the same state I was in and now here you are with orders making you my supply officer."

"Well times change and I'm hoping you have no intention of asking me to go with on these half thought out excursions you call missions. General I heard you needed a supply officer and you always said I was the best. Well Andrea if I'm the best I should be able to have everything you need before you need it."

I laughed and told him we had several orders waiting because we didn't have anyone to accept them and nowhere to put them anyway. If he wanted to be of any use he needed to get the supply set up so we could handle the things we needed before worrying about how we were going to get it. We talked for an hour then I said I wanted him to see what the problem was and fix it so we could start outfitting the units properly.

I took him over to supply and told him if he couldn't make it work to look around the base and find something that would. Lieutenant Samuels was very accommodating up to the point he heard he wasn't the senior supply officer any longer, then he turned on an attitude that this was his territory and he didn't like having to give it up to someone he didn't know. I started to say something about Lieutenant Samuels attitude and Kevin beat me to it.

"Lieutenant you seem to have a very good grasp on what's here and I really appreciate that in my second in command. You see Lieutenant I did bring some men with me, all enlisted, because I was told there wasn't anyone on this base who had the proper clearance for some of the things we'll be handling. Now if you have someone who can handle top secret inventory I would be delighted to send them back as they are needed where they were."

Lieutenant Samuels blushed and admitted he didn't have anyone and he understood we were going to be dealing with a lot of things that were top secret and was in the process of getting his men the proper clearance, but had been told it took six months and sometimes even longer. I didn't want to burst the Lieutenants bubble so I hadn't told him of all the people working in supply he only had five that had any chance of gaining the proper clearance and he was one of the five. I didn't feel I could hold off telling him any longer though since Kevin was now here with four of his men who all had the proper clearance.

"Ed I've been avoiding telling you this because I wasn't sure quite how, but after going over the list of people working here in supply I only found five names that have any chance of gaining top secret clearance you being one of them."

He turned to me and frowned knowing I had no reason to lie about it but not understanding the full impact of what it meant to have top secret clearance.

"Ma'am surely there are more then that. We have over fifty people who work here. Ok yes most of them are reservists, but I can't believe only five of us have any chance of gaining that level of security."

"Ed do you have any idea what it takes to get a top secret clearance?" He shook his head that he didn't. "There is only one level higher than top secret. Does that help you understand?" He nodded again that he still didn't understand. "Ed to have top secret means you can't talk about anything you are privy to. From reading the files of most of your staff I wouldn't even think of trying to get them that kind of clearance."

I left Kevin with Ed in the supply depot and headed back to my office hoping to get something done and knowing I was going to have a lot of interruptions until everyone got use to the new commander. Kent came in and said he wanted to start looking for those who were best suited for what we needed, but needed me to authorize his search of the computer files.

"Kent can't Password help with this?" I was sure he knew I had a ton of things to get done just getting the base ready to start setting up the training.

"Andrea I was hoping we could talk. You seem to not want to go home for some reason."

I looked at him as though seeing him for the first time. Did I want to go home? To what? I couldn't talk about my job with Jeff. I couldn't talk about any of my adult life with him. What was there to go home to? Everything I had come to love was here standing in front of me asking me what was wrong.

"Kent I..." I what? I didn't know what I wanted to say. "Do you remember the day we met the first time Kent?"

He looked at me and nodded that he did. He stood there not saying anything just looking at me as though he wanted me to tell him everything that was wrong in my life. I looked back at the papers on my desk and asked him to close the door. He returned from closing the door and took a seat still not saying anything.

"I don't want to go home Kent. Do you know what I asked Sara in the hospital once. I think it was before I gained consciousness fully, but I still remember what it was."

He said he didn't know, but was sure if I remembered it did happen.

"Kent I knew all of you as I looked around the room. There was you sleeping in the chair, Becky sitting on the other side of the bed also asleep. And Sara was sitting on the bed whipping my cheek with a cloth or something."

He nodded that, that part sounded right, because they took turns whipping my forehead with a cool cloth because I was running a fever and the doctor said if they were going to be there they should make themselves useful.

"I looked at her and ask if she knew what my boyfriends name was. I knew the names of everyone in the unit, but I couldn't remember my boyfriends name."

He looked at the floor and sighed. I got the impression he wanted to say it was understandable, but he didn't have an answer for why it would be that way. He looked up with a tear in his eye I was sure he didn't want me to see, but had no idea why it would be there. He got up and went over to the door and opened it leaning out, then pulling it closed again and locking it.

"Andrea I really don't know what to say here. You know about my daughter, I'm sure I told you about her."

I remembered him telling me he had a son, but not a daughter. I looked at him and shook my head. "I thought you only had the one child, a boy if I'm not mistaken."

"Do you remember when you were wounded during the next to last mission before you retired?" I nodded and he continued. "I was there every minute with you until you woke up. Andrea I found out who you were then, I didn't want to but I did. You started talking and I answered thinking you were saying something to me. You said something about mommy being mad and you didn't want daddy to get in trouble. I thought it curious that you used the words you did because they sounded like a little girl who didn't want her daddy to get in trouble because of something she did. You hugged me and said you loved me because I let you be Andrea and you really like being Andrea because you could be pretty just like Roxie and mommy.

Andrea I asked your sister what you were talking about because it seemed so out of nowhere. She told me all about Andrea and what happened the night of your sixteenth birthday."

I thought about how things went on the last mission and how he had been so protective of me, thinking it was because of how badly I had been wounded the mission before.

"Andrea I watched over you closer the next mission because I was worried something might happen and it wouldn't be me there to hear you talking like a girl. I learned to love Andrea my daughter because of you. Because you gave up so much just so others could be who they are. Yes I'd seen you handle the private that got caught with womens clothes in his locker. We all knew they were his, but you let him say they were a sisters and they just made it easier for him because he could feel closer to home by holding them. I was standing outside the room when you helped him come up with that excuse."

I remembered the private he was talking about. It wasn't the first solder I helped that way nor was it the last, but there was a breach in how he saw me after that I was sure. Kind of like he wasn't sure he could trust me again.

"Andrea my son isn't a son, but a daughter. I got home that night and Andrea was there all alone dressed in her moms clothes doing the dishes. I wanted to get mad and spank her for dressing like a girl. I asked where her mother was and why she was alone. She said mommy had gone out and did so often. That she did the dishes and vacuumed then went to bed without a hug or anything most nights because mommy went out. I gave her a hug and thought of what you did for that private and how you never condemned him for what he was doing. I thought about the time you got wounded and talked about Andrea. I told her to get ready for bed and I would finish the dishes and the vacuuming. I went in to tuck her in and kiss her good night. As I leaned over to give her a kiss I told her how proud I was of her and called her Andrea.

I sat there waiting for her mother to get home so I could ask what she knew about Andrea and why she left her alone. I fell asleep sitting in the chair waiting and was still waiting at o-seven hundred the next morning. I couldn't leave Andrea alone so helped her get dressed and took her to the daycare so she wouldn't be alone. When I got home that night Erica was there wearing some little dress I had never seen before with some guy hanging on her. I turned around taking Andrea next door and asked just what she was doing. Did she forget she was married and had a kid to take care of. Didn't she care about anything but the next cock she could get inside her."

I remembered the time he was talking about because he asked for leave to take Andrea to his mothers so she would have a safe place while he was gone on missions with me. I remembered because it was just before we got the orders saying we were shipping out two days later on what would be our last mission before I was forced into retirement.

"I never called Andrea Andy again. I didn't have a son anymore at that point I had a little girl and she was a beautiful little girl with limitless possibilities. When we got back from that mission and you were forced into retirement I came up for reenlistment and chose instead to get out, I had twenty in so took retirement as well. I went looking for Erica to tell her I was done, that I was getting out and I never wanted to see her again, but Andrea was mine and she couldn't have her. When I didn't find her I filed a missing persons on her and went home to get my daughter. Seven years ago and she still has never surfaced. I filed the papers just before I got the call that you needed me to have her declared dead. When we got back and I went to get Andrea I received word that the courts have granted my request but only on abandonment giving me soul custody of Andrea but refused to declare Erica dead because she is of age and someone had reported having seen her less than two years ago."

I didn't know what to say I had no idea he was suffering like this. I wanted to hug him and tell him everything would work out, that he didn't need to worry about his daughter, no one would ever treat her the way they had me, yet I knew that wasn't true. I sat there wanting to tell this sweet, sweet man just how wonderful he was and how very much I loved him. I loved him? Did I love him like that? Was he the one who really held my heart all this time? Could it be I had placed my love where it didn't really belong? I looked down and back up and he sat there larger than life with tears in his eyes for his daughter because he didn't know how to protect her from the hatred and bigotry that was out there, just waiting to knock on her door. A tear escaped and started running down my cheek, then another and another.

I found myself sitting next to Kent holding his hand with an arm around his shoulder. This man knew me before our last mission together over eight years ago and never said anything to anyone. Could I say the same for Jeff? I wanted to say I could, but I didn't know if he had ever told anyone. What about Adam? Who told Adam? Ellen never said anything about telling him. Where was Ellen anyway why hadn't I heard from her by now?

I picked up my cell phone and called moms. "Hi sis, I'm ok just a flesh wound, I'll be good as new in a few days."

I asked how they were doing even talking to mom. They seemed a bit preoccupied, but I didn't think much of it. I was sure they had plenty to keep them occupied without me adding to it. They asked why I had been out of touch for so long, saying they'd called Jeff and he said I had gone out-of-town and he was sure I would be in touch with them before long. Roxie giggled and then I heard mom giggle as well so I told them to have a good time and I would do better about staying in touch in the future, but if they needed me to call my cell phone as it was still the easiest way for them to get a hold of me.

I called Ellen's cell number and got an intercept saying it was no longer a working number. I checked it again and got the same thing. Ellen never let her cell phone out of her grasp and now her number was no longer working something seemed strange so I called Jeff.

"Jeff have you talked to Ellen lately?"

He assured me she was doing great he'd talked to her not more than two or three days ago. He did say something about since Adam moved out-of-town and she went with she changed her number and was baffled I didn't have her new number. He said he had it somewhere, but wasn't sure at the moment and would have to get it for me some other time as he had a very important meeting he was going to be late for if he didn't get moving. He asked if I would be home and what time he could expect me. I looked at Kent and said it would be late as I had so many things to tend to trying to get the base in some semblance of organized from what the last commander had left it. I mumbled something sounding like love you and see you later. I hadn't said I love you not in capital letters the way I felt I should have, but I mumbled it so even I wasn't sure I said it.

I looked at the man sitting across the desk from me and smiled asking him if he was hungry. He smiled back and asked what I had in mind.

"Well we could always check out the mess hall, but I'm not sure this place has one. How about we go pick up your daughter and take her somewhere really nice, on me."

"Andrea it's a five hour drive from here to my parents and that's where she is."

I smiled and headed for the door. "Well if we get started now we should be there in time for dinner and we can take your folks out too."

As we headed out I stopped by Sara's office and told her she was in charge for the rest of the day and Kent and I would try to be back by lunch the next day, and try not to let anything exciting happen until we got back. As we got out of the building I remembered I didn't have my car so headed for the motor pool to see what they might have available. They didn't have any cars, but did offer to give us a ride to Jeff's place so I could get my car.

I asked Kent if he wanted to drive or if he trusted me to drive. He took the keys and helped me get in the passenger seat climbing behind the wheel.

"Hope you don't mind, I've never driven one of these before and I've always wondered what they could really do with someone willing to push them driving. I smiled and told him he paid any tickets he got and grabbed for the bar over the door. About three and a half hours later we were sitting in his mothers living room waiting for Andrea to get home from school. He introduced me as General Andrea Jensen to his parents and told them that his little Andrea had gotten her name from me. They both looked at me and smiled and asked if I had ever met Andrea before. I thought back to when she had been born, Kent bragged about his son saying one day he was going to be everything his name sake was and then some. I smiled at the thought.

"No ma'am I haven't ever had the pleasure." I'd received the pleasure of meeting little Andy and even holding him, but I hadn't even known about Andrea until he told me earlier that day.

About an hour after we got there this preteen girl came in the house asking whose car was in the drive and seeing Kent ran over throwing her arms around his neck giving him the biggest hug I think I've ever seen someone so small give someone so big.

"Daddy your home! Are you staying home again now? You don't have to go away anymore do you?"

He hugged her and gave her a kiss setting her on his lap as he sat back down.

"Do you remember Colonel Jensen?" he asked her.

She frowned and scrunched her nose trying to remember. "I remember you telling me I was named after her."

"Well Andrea I want you to meet General Jensen, the person you were named after."

She looked over at me, and smiled as recognition crossed her face. "I know you, your the nice lady I met when I was selling girl scout cookies last year."

I'd been in this town about fifteen months earlier on business and this cute little brownie scout had come by the business I was helping get the system I had written on their computers selling cookies and I bought all of them she had with her. I hadn't bothered to ask her name or anything else I loved the cookies and so I bought all of them figuring if nothing else I would leave them behind when I left.

"I got to go to camp this summer because I sold the most cookies. Thank you."

I looked over at Kent and shrugged. "What can I say I love girl scout cookies."

He laughed and told me he was surprised I had any money left the way I always seemed to be doing things like that. The year we met we were waiting for our mission and decided to get a bite to eat and talk to get to know each other better and this brownie scout came through the mess hall selling cookies and I bought the last four boxes she had. We sat there eating cookies when Jim came in thanking me for buying the last of his daughters cookies.

Had I really been dressed as a woman when I bought those cookies. I thought back and yes, I had brought a couple full sets of Ellen's clothes with, but surely I hadn't dressed had I? I didn't remember I hadn't thought I had, but when I got home I made sure those outfits had both been cleaned and hung them back in her closet. Had I taken a wig with on that trip? I didn't remember, and I was sure I hadn't been dressed when I was... no I was dressed. I'd shown up and told them I was Andrea and there to help get everything set up. I was Andrea because I didn't dare be Andy after having introduced myself on arriving as Andrea. Jeff had to have known about that, he had to, but had never said anything to me about it. So Jeff knew Andrea was on her way back, so when I said I was Andrea again he never thought anything about it. In fact he started sending me out-of-town more often after that I'm sure hoping I would be Andrea even more.

Why did he want me to be Andrea so badly if he wasn't going to say anything? Something wasn't adding up, but I couldn't figure out what. How did Adam find out I was Andrea? Who'd told him? And why did he care anyway? Yet he was just as excited about me being Andrea as Jeff seemed to be. Why was that?

There were other times I'd check into my hotel and find things like a dress that seemed to have been left by a previous occupant in one, a really nice wig in another, in yet another a full wardrobe with breast forms. And always there was the make-up, always the right shade of foundation and black mascara with either blue, green, or brown eye shadow. Each time I had to try things on, dressing in what I thought was something I would wear to work, if I were a woman. Each time I introduced myself as Andrea, knowing I had to be Andrea while I was there hoping no one ever found out. How was it I'd blocked all that out? I hadn't stopped dressing I knew that kid for what he was because I was the same. I just hadn't been caught because I had a wife that wore the same size clothes I did. What else was missing from my memory and why was it missing. There had to be a way of finding out, but how? I couldn't let anyone hypnotize me because of the clearance I had, unless, I remembered Becky had minored in psychology when she was at the academy and figured it was worth a shot. As far as I knew I couldn't be hypnotized anyway.

I called back to the base and asked to talk to Becky to see what she knew about such things to find out she had dropped psychology in her first year and she didn't have any idea about how to hypnotize anyone and didn't really care to learn, but knew someone who was very good at that kind of thing and did have a top secret security clearance if I thought it might help.

I asked her to talk to them and let them know I needed to talk to them, but I wasn't willing to confide in them anything unless I felt comfortable with them and they were willing to be open minded about someone like me.

Little Andrea filled Kent in on everything about her school and how there were a couple kids that liked to make fun of her because she wanted to be a girl. He told her he would have a talk with her school, but he wouldn't be able to do it for a couple weeks as he wasn't sure he could get home other than on weekends for a while and this was something he needed to be there during the week to do. He told her I'd insisted on taking everyone out because I was a spend thrift and loved spending money on everyone else. I reached over swatting at him saying he was wrong and for that he could buy his own dinner, but I was picking up the tab for everyone else.

Andrea ran to her room and came out a little later holding up two very pretty dresses asking which I thought she should wear. I looked at them and then asked what her shoes looked like as she needed to have different shoes to go with each of the outfits she had chosen. She ran back to her room and came back holding a pair of heels and set with one dress and a pair of boots she put with the other dress.

I went over and looked at them wondering why they seemed wrong then moved the boots over to the first dress and the heels to the second stepping back. As I appraised the change I made I asked about her purse and she said she didn't have one yet, cause dad said she was still to young for something like that. I gave Kent a dirty look asking what kind of man would deprive such a beautiful young lady of a necessity such as a purse. He blushed and said he didn't see what the big deal was as he had never found a good reason for one himself. I told Andrea the dress with the boots was my favorite and she picked up both outfits and hurried back to her room to get dressed.

Kent's mom smiled saying she hadn't seen Andrea this happy since Kent left after receiving the call saying I needed him again. She said something about how she couldn't remember Kent having the life in his step he did now since he had gotten out of the Air Force, and how he seemed so different now, like he did back when he would come home from a mission talking about how Colonel Jensen had done this or that and made it possible for everyone to get out safely again. She said when that call had come in saying I needed him again she wondered if maybe he might not come back again, but as soon as she heard that Colonel Jensen was going to be the commanding officer the fear of him not coming back vanished, because he insisted that the only way Colonel Jensen would leave anyone behind was if everyone was dead and she wouldn't let that happen ever.

We had a wonderful dinner and I said I wanted to take Andrea shopping because every woman needed a purse and just because dad couldn't see the reason for one made it no less a necessity, besides I want to get Andrea's honest opinion about something and that meant taking her shopping. Kent gave me a dirty look and whispered that if I spoiled his daughter he was going to do all he could to make sure I was the one who paid for the expensive dresses and things he was sure I was going to insist were necessary parts of every girl's life.

Andrea was so excited to go shopping with me I laughed. She got in the car and fastened her seat-belt before I had a chance to even get around and get my door open. I told her when we got to the store I needed her help getting my wheelchair out of the trunk, but I was really going to need it if we did shopping the way I usually did as we would cover every inch of every store looking for just the right things. She asked why I needed the wheelchair since I could walk. I told her I had been wounded and was still healing, but enjoyed walking as long as it wasn't far, and shopping meant a lot of walking and I just wasn't up to it yet.

We started looking at outfits for little Andrea, finding all the stores seemed to think she should be dressing really cutesy in dresses that didn't cover her ass if she lifted her arms, or in clothes that would have made me feel old enough to be my mother. I told her we could do a lot better than what we had seen, but I really would love to get something so I wasn't scaring everyone with the stars I had on my shoulders. She giggled and said they made me look good and she didn't mind but if I wanted to take a break from looking at little girl clothes. We found a nice skirt suit that I really did like and a nice pair of heels to go with. I picked out some new undies and some stockings and said it was time to hit the restroom so I could change and stop scaring everyone. She said she could really use a restroom break too, so off we went.

Once I'd changed I folded my uniform and set it in the sack hanging it from one of the handles of the chair. Andrea finished up about the same time and we headed off to see what we could find for her. We past a shoe store and she stopped and started drooling over a pair of boots they had in the window. I asked what was so special about them, knowing I was going to get this long lecture on why this pair of boots was so much better than any of the others. She started in and then stopped.

"Daddy said we couldn't afford them, and I... it's ok I can make do with what I have."

I dragged her in the store and asked if they had those boots in her size. I knew Kent would be furious with me, but I didn't care, what was he going to do take me over his knee? That sounded interesting. The clerk came back with the boots and I picked one up feeling its texture.

"It says they're genuine leather but this is man made not leather," I told the clerk.

He said they were out of the real ones, but these were very good imitations and they cost less than half what the others did. I informed him I'd asked to see the leather ones and in my opinion these were nothing but cheap. Since he either didn't have the real ones or thought we wouldn't know the difference I wanted to talk to his manager. He pointed over to a woman helping another customer and said she didn't have time to hear the complaints of people like us and we really weren't welcome in their store anyway.

I wheeled over to the lady and asked if she was the manager of the store. She turned to me and gasped.

"General may I help you with something?"

Now I was totally lost how in Gods name could she have known I was a General? I told her Andrea wanted to try on a pair of boots, but the salesman we talked to brought out a pair of imitations and said they didn't want us in their store anyway. She looked over my shoulder and said he wouldn't be working there much longer anyway, she had received to many complaints about him. She asked what boots we wanted and took off to the back to get them. She came out with a box that obviously wasn't boots and turned to me apologizing saying they were currently out, but should have them in the next day. I thanked her and said I wouldn't be there, but I appreciated that she had taken the time. We looked in a few more stores and I said I'd had enough trying to find anything in stores that save a little money, but only had junk. We headed back to the car and drove over to the stores I was more use to shopping at.

When we entered the clerk asked if there was anything special we were looking for. I told her about the boots and she said they did have them, but they were just cheap imitations of a much better boot. She showed us both the boots Andrea said she wanted and the original designer boot. I held both in my hand and had Andrea try on the original designer. She walked around a few steps and ran back where I was sitting.

"These are like walking on air," she said. I told the clerk we would take them then told her we needed a few nice outfits that might go well with the boots and maybe some shoes besides. We spent the next hour with Andrea trying on several outfits and shoes. When we got ready to leave she looked at the price of one of the dresses we had picked out and started panicking.

"Daddy will have a fit if you buy me this. It costs more than my allowance for a whole year."

I smiled and paid for the clothes and asked if they would be willing to let Andrea wear them home. They took her and the outfit she chose to the dressing room and let her change putting her clothes in a sack. I smiled at her and asked what she wanted to do next. She smiled back and said she wanted to look at earrings and necklaces, because she didn't have any jewelry to wear with her new clothes. I remembered the jeweler I had bought a necklace for my wife from and headed there. We pulled in the parking lot and I left the chair in the car. When we got inside I saw they were getting ready to close.

"May we help you ma'am." I turned to the voice and the person gasped.

"General it is truly an honor to have you in our store. If there's anything we can do just name it. Feel free to look around and I'm sure we can come up with a nice price on anything you find that you need."

Andrea headed straight for the diamond earrings drooling over them. I asked which ones were her favorites and she pointed out a pair with quarter karat diamonds surrounded by rubies. I asked the clerk if we could get a closer look and he handed me a jewelers lens telling me how nice they were. I looked at Andrea and saw her ears weren't pierced so asked if they pierced ears. He said they did but the piercing studs weren't genuine stones. I asked if they had any studs similar to the earrings Andrea picked out and he laughed. Yes they did have them and he would be more then happy to throw in another design if Andrea would tell him what it was she wanted. She picked out four other designs, she said she couldn't make up her mind because they all were so pretty. I got the earrings she had chosen first for me and put them in as she got her ears pierced with the studs that looked much the same. We picked out a couple necklaces and I saw an Air Force ring with an aquamarine in it. I asked about the size and he said they could make it whatever size I needed but the one in the display was an eleven he thought. I paid for everything and we headed back to Kent's parents.

Daddy look what mommy got me, Andrea said when we got there. I blushed and didn't say anything. He looked over at me and blushed as well. She proceeded to show him everything we had gotten when one of the price tags managed to slip out. He looked at the price and swore. He looked at me and I turned away. I knew he was going to be angry if he saw what I paid for those things, but I didn't expect to see the amount of anger I had when he looked at me.

"General I think we need to have a talk." He didn't say anything else just we needed to have a talk.

He took my hand and lead me outside telling his parents we were taking a walk and he wasn't sure what time we would be back. He lead me down the sidewalk and never said anything until we got to the corner of the street.

"Are you mad Andrea? Do you have any idea what you're doing? I can't have her getting use to wearing clothes like that because I can't afford them."

"I can though. Kent I wanted her to know she is worthy of the best."

"I agree Andrea she is worthy of the best, the best I can afford, not the top of the line that is well beyond my means."

"Kent I love you." I didn't say anything more I couldn't I had tears running down my face because I wanted him to know that I didn't care about the rules concerning enlisted men and officers. I put the box with the ring in his hand.

He opened the box and took the ring slipping it on his right ring finger. He turned to me and put his arms around me hugging me and kissed me. I let out a moan and he stepped back a little wiping my tears away and said he loved me too. He asked what we were going to do now, and I just shrugged. We both knew that as long as we were in the Air Force our love could never be acknowledged, but that didn't seem to matter at this moment. He bent down and kissed me again telling me he wanted more than anything to know if this was real if I was really standing there in his arms telling him I loved him as much as he loved me.

The tears ran down my face hoping this wasn't just some dream that I wasn't going to wake up in some hospital bed to find out I had only dreamed all this. I hurt I let out a moan of pain and he grabbed me lifting me in his arms and started running back to the house. He asked his mom to clean off the table and get more light.

What was happening why did it hurt so much.

He lay me down on the table and tore my blouse trying to get to my side. He asked for a needle and thread and...

"Hi!" I mumbled.

"You gave me a hell of a scare the other night."

I looked around and saw I was in a hospital room. "What happened?"

He told me I'd over done it with the shopping trip and torn almost every stitch out. He'd put in enough stitches to slow the bleeding then laid me in the backseat of his parents car and drove like a fool to get me to the hospital before I bled to death. He said I was checked in as his wife and the doctors gave him a strange look when they found what most women don't have. He smiled at me and said he hoped I didn't mind he'd lied about me being his wife. I smiled at him and said I only wished it were true.

I went back to sleep with a smile waking again the next day. He smiled at me when I opened my eyes asking how I was feeling.

I tried to sit up a little and failed miserably. I said something about having felt better if I had been run over by a truck. He laughed and bent over and kissed me.

"I love you General Andrea Lynn Jensen."

I looked at him and smiled. This big lug had been through so much with me, he had even been wounded several times saving my life. And now here he was sitting on the edge of my bed telling me he loved me. The tears started forming in my eyes faster than I could stop them. "I love you Kent James Jensen."

He asked what I was going to do about Jeff. What I was planning on doing about the problem we had of me being an officer and him an enlisted man. I didn't know what I was going to do about Jeff, I owed him so much, but I knew I didn't love him and I suspected he didn't really love me, but what did he want from me if it wasn't love? I told him I thought I would retire as I did have something else I could do, but would make myself available to advise in the building of the units if they needed my help.

He looked at me and asked again about Jeff and what I intended there as I was technically still engaged to him. Jeff seemed to be a problem I didn't have an answer for as I wasn't sure about him other than I knew I didn't love him. I asked him when it was Jeff had shown up while we were still in the middle east, and who it was that called him letting him know I was there and in the hospital.

"Kent there are a lot of things that aren't making sense right now where Jeff's concerned. I'm not sure what I can trust that he's told me. Was he there at that dance and what did he want with me."

I thought about that night and remembered he smelled like cigarettes. And at first every time he came near I pulled away because I hated that smell. I remembered several times he had been by filling my punch asking if I would be willing to dance when I was finished drinking it. Each time I said no I wasn't going to dance with him because I didn't like the way he smelled, so why had I accepted that last time? What had he been giving me that would have changed my mind that way?

"Kent can you ask the guys to find out all they can about Jeff? And while they're at it have them check on Adam McKay as well."

I was starting to feel tired again and before I heard his answer was gone into blissful sleep again. I wasn't sure how long I had been out, but when I opened my eyes Andrea was sitting on the bed braiding my hair.

"It looks good," I said.

She about jumped out of her skin and stopped. She looked at me to see if my eyes were really open and I had said something.

"You scared me," she said. "Daddy said I wasn't supposed to wake you up. I didn't, did I?"

I smiled at her and assured her she hadn't woken me that I just didn't feel like sleeping anymore for now. She gave me a hug and said she was glad I woke up cause she wanted to tell me something. She leaned over and whispered so softly I almost didn't hear.

"I want you to be my mom."

She sat back up and smiled the cutest smile she had. She knew I heard her and she wanted to know what I thought about what she wanted. I told her I hoped one day I might be able to be her mom and I thought of her as my daughter already. She asked if I would mind if she called me mom and I smiled even bigger. I told her if she wanted to call me mom I would do everything I could to be the best mom I could. I looked over where Kent was usually sitting and he wasn't there. I asked where he was and Irene told me he returned to the base because there was something he needed done and he wanted to make sure it got done right. I remembered what I'd asked him to do and frowned. Why didn't he just call them surely he knew they would do the job right if he said I was the one asking, unless they'd already found something they didn't like.

I asked if anyone had a phone I could use and Irene handed me mine saying it had a full charge and they thought I might want to find out what was so important he felt he needed to be there personally.

I called Kent's phone and got his voice mail, so called the base. I looked at the clock and saw that they should have all been gone for the day. "Accord Air Force Base, this is Sargent Turner."

I had no idea how long I had been in the hospital, but I didn't think it had been that long."Sargent Turner is it? Well Sargent Turner is Sargent Jensen there? This is General Jensen."

"We've all been worried about you since Sargent Jensen told us you were back in the hospital. Ma'am I was just practicing the Sargent part most people who call don't know and well I was kind of hoping maybe it might be real."

"Kathy if you can put Kent on the phone I don't care if you continue calling yourself Sargent, but at least if you do get the staff Sargent stripes sewn on you shirts first."

She let out a squeal and dropped the phone from the sound of it, I think it was Kent who got to her first to find out what she was squealing about and saw the phone sitting there.

"This is Sargent Jensen is there something I can help you with?"

"Yes Sargent there is! I happen to be laying here in this damned hospital bed expecting to see your beautiful face and instead find my hopefully soon to be step daughter sitting here braiding my hair."

"Andrea if she woke you up..."

"She didn't wake me up Kent, so stop making threats you have no intention of carrying out. I want to know what's going on that you felt you had to be there instead of here."

He said he'd called and asked the guys to do the search I'd asked for and they'd found somethings right away that bothered him and he wanted to check it out for himself. He said something about Password setting up a computer for him so he would be able to look at this stuff from here, but felt he needed to see what this was and since every other time I'd been out for several hours he took the chance I would be this time too. He said he was sorry he wasn't there, but as soon as they had the computer ready he'd be back.

I asked what it was they'd found and he asked if I knew Jeff's business was under investigation by the FBI. I knew we did work that was classified at times, but it was always Allen and I who got those jobs because we were the only ones who had the clearance for them. Since I wasn't there and hadn't been there for some time maybe they were trying to get someone else cleared to work on a classified project they had. He said they weren't trying to get anyone else cleared that he knew of and this investigation was for criminal charges of laundering money. I thought of the books I had seen and couldn't think of anything that... wait there was that one instance that something didn't seem right and when I talked to Jeff he said it was a simple mistake from the accounting department and he would take care of it.

"Kent I'm part owner of that business. I want to know everything you can find. If there's something going on I want to stop it if possible."

He said he would show me what we had when he got back, but the research was still going on and yes they had seen where I was now the majority holder of the company. I asked him to repeat that about me being the major holder and he said I held sixty percent of the company. He also said something about I was gaining even more of the company as we spoke. I asked if they were doing anything illegal because if they were I wanted no part of it. He assured me it was all legit that I was becoming the sole owner through buying out the other holders. He said I now held enough of the company I could control the money in the company.

I could control the money the company had and no one could do anything about it. That gave me an idea.

"Kent I want to freeze the companies assets. I want enough money free to pay the wages and standard business expenses, such as travel for those on jobs elsewhere, but all other assets are to be frozen until we see a true picture of what was going on. Jeff isn't to have a travel expense as there's no real reason he needs to travel and the company plane is to be grounded without my express order otherwise."

He told them what I said as I said it and said it was being taken care of now. That effective this moment all the companies assets were frozen. He said he liked the idea and he suggested that I talk to the FBI and let them know I was a new holder in the company and had just started looking into matters and if there was anything I could do to help in their investigation to please let me know and I would give them what I could. He no sooner told me that and he said it was Washington I needed to talk to not the local office as it seemed there was a possibility of corruption at that level. I told him I loved him and wanted him back with me as soon as possible.

I called General Collins and explained my dilemma, asking his advice.

"Andrea you caught me flat footed here. You know the rules about enlisted and officers, are you sure you want my advice on such matters."

"Jim I don't need your advice there I need to know what you think I should do about the situation with my company."

He said he wanted to know what my intentions were about Kent first. I told him what I had in mind there and since I was back in the hospital because of over doing, it was probably best I did retire. He said he hated losing me again this way, but also understood the reasoning behind it.

"Andrea I have to agree with Kent about letting the FBI know you're the new owner of this company and how on finding out about the investigation you froze the assets of the company and want to give whatever help in clearing your company you can. Let them know that had you known of the investigation before investing your money you would have looked elsewhere."

"Jim the problem in notifying the FBI is that it appears some of the agents here are in on whatever is going on here."

"There's always a way around that Andrea. If you want I can set up an appointment with the director here in DC."

"Jim right now I am laying in a hospital bed and have no idea when they'll let me out. I want the doctor I had before. He knew me well enough before I retired, he knew what I might do. What are the chances of me getting him stationed here so I can have a little peace of mind about the care I get."

"Consider it a done deal, I'll have him on the next flight available and if that isn't soon enough I'll personally fly over and put him on a plane and deliver him to your doorstep. Now about the meeting with the director of the FBI I'm afraid he hasn't got the time to come to you. The best I can do is make an appointment for you, the rest is up to you."

"What if I have someone represent me at that meeting?"

He said he was sure if it was someone trust worthy there wouldn't be a problem, but they should be able to contact me should he have any questions. I assured him whoever it was representing me would be someone who could reach me anytime anywhere and they would have my full confidence and authority to answer any questions he might have. I would hold to whatever they agreed to on my behalf.

He asked who I would send wanting to be able to assure the director that he could trust them and therefore me in this.

"Jim you don't know this guy. It's someone who works for the company, but also someone I know I can trust. If it makes you feel better though I'll have Kent go with though I hate that idea."

"Andrea if you trust this guy so do I. I saw what you went through trying to build that unit and how trying to pick men on what you can see in their record only, almost got you all killed."

I thanked Jim and called the base again.

"Sargent do you have those strips sewn on that uniform yet?"

"Yes ma'am I just finished sewing them on ma'am thank you. I suppose you want to talk to Colonel Walker?"

"If you don't mind Sargent yes I would." I waited while she got Sara. "Sara I need a really big favor."

"Name it General I'm here for you all the way."

"I need you to send someone like Kathy over to my company and tell her she is to talk to Allen Jasper and only him. She is to ask him to come out to the base so you can talk to him. Sara when he is there call me and I'll let you know what I need from there. She is to escort him from the business to the base. I can't have him knowing what it is I want until he gets there so I can't say right now. If he gives her any trouble about leaving work she is to say Andy needs the file you've been working on. That should get him out of there."

An hour later she called back saying he was standing in front of her, I asked her to put him on the phone so I knew it was really him.

"Hello this is Allen Jasper, who am I talking to?"

"Allen I need you to do something big for me."

"Andrea! Oh god girl Jeff is worried sick about you. Where are you?"

"I bet he is Allen, sick that he hasn't got a clue where I am, but I bet he isn't really losing much sleep over it. Allen I need you to go to Washington for me. I've sent some papers to Colonel Walker that will explain things better, but you won't get that until you're in the air."

"Andrea what's going on I didn't pack a bag to be traveling. I heard that the money in the company is tight and..."

"Allen shut-up and listen. I own the company now I bought Jeff out though I doubt he knows it yet. You'll be escorted to Washington by Major Rebecca Collins. She'll be briefing you on the flight and walk through what it is I need you to do. Becky's a sharp kid, but since she doesn't work for the company she can't talk for me, you can. Allen I'm putting a lot of faith in you, but I don't know who else I can trust with this."

He said he would do what he thought was best for me and the company and thanked me for trusting him. I asked him to put Sara back on and asked her to patch me over to wherever Becky was on the base. I laid out just what it was I needed her to do and told her she could get the papers from Sara and make sure no one, but her and Allen saw them until they were in DC ready to talk to the director of the FBI.

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  24. ##  Trial By Fire

I had Becky take the corporate plane since I didn't want to take a chance of Jeff trying to take it and that way if he somehow managed to talk his pilots into taking him somewhere it wouldn't be there so he was still grounded. I got a call from Jim saying the director of the FBI would be willing to see me or my representative that afternoon if we intended to deal in good faith. He said he wasn't sure how long I had been a major holder in the company, but he didn't think it had been long and he was sure I could prove that most of the things they were looking for would have taken place before I had been involved, or while I was overseas fighting for our country. He said the director had recognized my name and hoped I would be able to be there, but since I had been wounded so recently was sure if I wasn't it was because the travel was as yet too much for me to handle.

When the doctor came in a short time later I asked about me being released because I had a meeting that was very important that afternoon in DC. He started laughing and said he hoped the meeting went well without me as he wasn't about to let me out of bed just yet and if I didn't start taking it easier it was going to be even longer before he would let me out. He started writing in the chart and I stuck my tongue out at him, thinking how unfair it was I had to rely on someone else to handle what was clearly my responsibility.

Becky called after they landed at Dulles airport saying they were there. I told her they needed to get to the FBI offices as soon as possible and her father would be waiting for them. She said if they needed anything else she would call.

Kent walked in as I hung up the phone with a big smile on his face.

"What did you do now Mr?" I asked.

"I see you're feeling better or is it that you just can't sleep with all the excitement of seeing your old flame is almost burned out?"

"How about filling me in since it seems I've missed something."

He brought me up to speed on everything we had thus far and we should be able to keep up to speed easier now that we had a computer at his folks place. I asked if he'd found us a place near the base so we didn't have to come all the way out here to see Andrea. He said he had and it was over an office he thought would be great for starting a business of our own. One in which he could take an active roll in. I asked what he had in mind and laughed when he said he had always wanted to be a private detective.

He scowled at me and said I didn't have to be part, but he really did plan on setting up an office and talked to several of the guys from the unit and had their support even if he didn't have mine. I informed him it wasn't that I thought he couldn't do it, but I had been thinking along the same lines. We had the top pool of investigators to choose from in the men from our unit. The problem I saw with it was getting the clients. I didn't think following cheating spouses was what we had in mind for the kind of work we wanted out of that business. He laughed and said he was thinking of looking around for unsolved cases to see if maybe we could get started that way, but wanted to get this out-of-the-way first.

My phone started ringing and after checking the caller ID I took the call.

"Have you talked to the director yet? Why didn't you call me so I would know what has been decided?"

"Andrea there won't be a decision as the FBI is stepping out and letting your unit complete this investigation. They're giving you full authority to act on behalf of the FBI, DEA, CIA, and US Marshall's office."

"Jim I was expecting Becky to talk, but I'm glad to hear they still have faith in me."

"Andrea their faith came in the form of orders from the White House, and Congress."

"So the Joint Chiefs put some pressure on because my unit was able to uncover in one month what those agencies couldn't in how long? Twelve years?"

"Something like that, but it wasn't the Joint Chief's. Andrea I need these units that this started out to be. I have orders that we need at least one more unit ready in six months or they are going to close down everything you're involved in beside that. I know you want to go back into retirement, and I do know the reason if what Becky has said is any indication."

"Jim I'm not letting my life take a backseat to my career in the Air Force any longer. I'm more than willing to help Colonel Walker and Colonel Collins get their units up and running, but if my love life has to suffer you can accept my resignation or not I'll have the man I love by my side."

"I was wondering when that would come up. So are we talking full bird or is Lt Colonel enough do you think?"

"Jim I'm retiring as soon as I know they can handle things, you tell me do you really want Lt Colonel's running something like this. You knew when you asked for my retirement I wasn't ready, but wasn't given a lot of choice in the matter. Well now I'm ready."

He knew they were going to be every bit as bad at following orders as I had been the last mission before they demanded my retirement. He knew once the wheels were put in motion the only way to stop them was when the mission was completed.

Two months latter. We had already found enough men to fill out two units, but now he was talking bringing in more. This base was big enough, but were there the personnel to make up more units, I wasn't sure, but was willing to look.

I went through the personnel files of all the officers with the right security clearance from the rank of Captain and up finding maybe three who met the criteria needed to run a unit like this. One Major and two possible Captains. The Major was going to be the one I wasn't sure of, but then I had been sure Sara would have been better able then she was showing. Was she ready for command? I think she is, but she's still questioning herself on ever decision she makes. She has got to start showing more confidence in her decisions or her men will pick up on it and start doubting her as well.

I cut the orders to get both Captains transferred marking the Major as a maybe, until I had a chance to go over his records with the rest of my command team. Captain Jennings was army and had a record as a leader that needed discipline, and a sense of purpose greater than himself. Captain Hanks on the other hand was navy, and a loner who tended to cause mischief every time the chance presented itself, he seemed to enjoy that everyone knew it was him and so had been passed over several times for advancement. I knew both of their commanders and knew they would want to know what I would want with them, but opted to refuse them the reasons behind the orders.

I called Captain Jennings commander once I saw the orders had been sent.

"Frank how you doing?"

"General I was doing ok until just a few moments ago. I have to ask just what kind of hairball scheme you're up to this time asking for this man. Andrea I thought you had more sense than this. Captain Jennings is nothing but trouble, I'm tempted to deny you the request."

"Frank if you do that I'll get the orders from DC giving him to me."

"The last I heard you were retired and then I get a request for the best pilot and biggest trouble maker I have signed by General Andrea Jensen. I wasn't sure just who you were until you called. So they called you back to get those people out didn't they. What's going on Andrea are they asking you to rebuild your old unit again?"

"Frank are you going to let me have him, or do I have to go to DC to get him?"

"I suppose you want his plane too?"

"If you don't mind that would be nice. I have a few planes, but can always use a few more."

"I figured as much. About the time I got the request from you I got orders that anything you wanted was to be granted so he's already getting his things together to head that way. I take it you aren't going to tell me anything more, are you?"

I thanked him and let him know that what I needed his Captain for wasn't anything he needed to concern himself about and if he didn't work out he would be coming back a Lieutenant minus his plane. I called Captain Hanks commander getting much the same speech and saying if he didn't work out he wasn't welcome back unless he could flap his arms and spit bullets. I laughed and said I would see that he found a home if I could. I called the tower and let them know I was expecting these guys and they were to be escorted to my office as soon as they landed.

Kent came in while I was talking to the tower and took a seat across the desk from me.

"Mind if I ask?" he said as I hung up the phone.

I let him know I had requested the two Captains and why I had done so, he saw the files and started leafing through them nodding every so often. He set the files back on the desk. "They're going to be a lot of trouble."

"As I recall you were a lot of trouble when I got stuck with you too, as was every man in our unit."

He smiled at me, nodding his agreement that indeed everyone in the unit did seem to be a misfit until I'd brought them all together with a purpose greater than any of them could believe. I showed him the Majors file and asked what he thought. He went over the file and nodded trying to get into the mans head so he could figure out just what he was thinking. He set the file aside and scratched his chin.

"You thinking of bringing him here too?"

"You don't think I should? Kent he has the qualifications for it."

"He's an arrogant ass. I doubt even you could get him to understand the importance of what being a Rogue commander means."

A Rogue commander? I hadn't thought of it before, but that was what we had called ourselves back when. Everyone heard of the Rogue Unit and Colonel Jensen their commander. I asked him how many of the men still called the unit Rogue. He said they all did except the new members we had.

I told him I wanted to get Sara and Becky's opinion on him, but I didn't think I wanted to give him the chance since I agreed he seemed an arrogant ass to me as well, and with him already at command grade it would be harder to get him to see things the way we needed him to. Sara came in to see if there was anything more I needed from her before she called it a day so I asked her to look over Major Butterfield's file and let me know what she thought.

After she read it the first time she sat down and started looking at it more closely trying to find what might be wrong with it so I wouldn't request him without her making a decision about it.

"Ma'am from what I see here he has all the qualifications we need to train him to be a Rogue commander, mind telling me just what it is I'm not seeing?"

Kent started pointing things out for her to think about as possible reasons we might not want him. She thought about those things and realized that yes they were marks against him, but if we didn't give him a chance we would be letting down not only him but the chance of maybe having one of the best as a commander of the Rogue Units. I agreed with her assessment, but pointed out that this was already a command level officer and in our units there wasn't room for arrogance like he showed in his file.

She asked for time to think about it and said maybe Becky might be just the person to break his arrogance as she was always running over men who thought they were better than anyone else.

"You don't think you could break him of his arrogance Sara?"

"Ma'am are you sure that's what you want? From what I've seen you take the most arrogant... umm... can I start over with this?"

"I kind of like the way you were going Sara. You're right I do take the most hard headed arrogant people and teach them they aren't that great by themselves. I put them with others who themselves are arrogant and teach them to work together. The problem with this guy is he's a command grade officer already and he isn't going to take kindly to NCO's telling him what to do. If we can't break him of his self attitude and teach him that the enlisted men are as important if not more so than he is there's noway I want him leading a Rogue Unit."

"What if we give him a month if he hasn't made any progress we bust him and send him back to the unit he came from." She looked at me then at Kent, hoping one of us would say something.

"She does have a point Hun if we don't give him a chance at all we may be hurting the units as much or more than if we do give him a chance."

I changed Major Butterfield from a maybe to sending the request for transfer, going against my better judgment, but agreeing that to not give him a chance did indeed deprive us of the possibility of having the best. I told Sara to enjoy her time off and be back first thing in the morning because I wanted her to spend as much time as she could getting her unit ready should the orders come down for one or more of our units to deploy.

I got a call from the control tower telling me that both my Captains were now on radar, but so to was Rogue One, they wanted to know which I wanted them to clear first since the Captains were closer but moving much slower than Becky. I told them to let Becky come in first and she would be able to escort the Captains to my office since she would be coming by anyway. I turned on the radio in my office I used to monitor the communications when we had training going on and heard about ten different radios going. "Rogue tower this is Rogue One roger we are lined up and on final approach." that was followed by a hey you aren't even a military aircraft and Becky shouting that if who ever these guys were tried to cut her off again she was going to see they paid dearly for the mistake.

"Rogue One this is General Jensen Rogue Command, Colonel land that bird and wait for those two idiot Captains, I want to see them in my office as soon as they're on the ground! Captain Hanks and Captain Jennings you try anything else with Colonel Collins and I just might assign you to her for the training you're here for."

The radio went dead and I heard Becky fly over on her way in. a short time later I heard both an F-14 and an F-104 come in. about fifteen minutes later both Captains were standing in front of me trying to explain just why they had tried to cut off Colonel Collins when she had received clearance to land first.

"Ma'am we didn't see any markings on the plane and..." Captain Jennings started.

"It had civilian markings only ma'am. We thought maybe they were lining up on the wrong runway..." Captain Hanks continued.

"Gentlemen those are both lousy excuses for cutting off a plane that has received clearance from the tower. I run this base and if I want to authorize a civilian plane to land on my base by God they will land on my base. In this case it was your commanding officer who happened to be flying that plane and one of the few people I have ever seen I would ever let fly wing-man with me. I am grounding both of you for the next fifteen days, if I hear you even attempted to get on the flight line in that time I will bust you back to lieutenant and ship you back to the unit you came from. Am I clear on that gentlemen?"

They both nodded and stood just a little more sharply at attention. "Gentlemen you are excused to the outer office while I talk with Colonel Collins about what she handled for me in Washington."

They both saluted and did a perfect about face and left the office. "Gentlemen I am not done with you and if I have to go looking for you those Captains bars are gone and you'll be walking back to you old units."

As the door shut I heard them mutter something about what a bitch I was. I smiled and turned to Becky and Allen to get the full report of what happened in Washington. They both gave me a full rundown and said they thought I was going easier than I should with the Captains. Becky asked if I really intended to give them to her and swore if I did she was going to make them pay for that little stunt they pulled. I smiled again and told her they were her responsibility and I wanted them ready the same time as the rest of her unit. She gave me a look that I was sure would kill most people and cussed that I always found the real losers for her and she didn't think any of them were worth the trouble they gave her. She smiled and winked that she loved playing the bitch and knew she could have them and the remainder of the unit ready in about three more months if I didn't send her on anymore of these chores that took all day.

I asked her to send both Captains and Kent in if he was still here then have a nice night because we were starting early the next day. The Captains both came in just as proper as they had left, followed by Kent who stood behind them. I walked around my desk and looked both these men who where young enough to be my sons in the eye and told them they were going to learn some manners and protocol or I would see they had a very difficult time the remainder of the time they were in the military. I let them know they were here because I requested them and they would either make it, or break trying on my base, and frankly I didn't give a damn which it was. I went on to tell them that anyone wearing a Rogue One patch on this base outranked them, and while the NCO's didn't need to be saluted the officers did. I asked Kent to come around and stand with me.

"Gentlemen this is Chief Master Sargent Kent Jensen my first Sargent, I hope neither of you are stupid enough to try causing trouble with him as he has broken bigger and better men than either of you. Sargent Jensen has my authority on this base and if he says jump you better be in the air before asking how high. Am I clear on that?" They both nodded and looked Kent in the eye judging whether, or not they thought they might be able to get away with anything around him.

"Captain Hanks I understand you are the champion in martial arts on your ship. In fact word is you're the best in your fleet, is that right Captain?' Kent asked.

Captain Hanks looked at him and just said yes Sargent. "And you Captain Jennings word is you hold the title on your post. Tell me Captains do you think you could beat me?"

They looked at him with his size and the way he moved. They seemed to be thinking about it and weighing what the odds were. "Tell me Captain Jennings, you think you could beat the General there, after all she is just some silly want-a-be who just happened to be sleeping with the right person so they gave her a couple stars. Isn't that what you said Captain Jennings?"

Captain Jennings looked down muttering something about he had only been kidding that his commander told him who I was and he knew the stories that it was some Air Force commander and their special unit that had been called in to rescue the hostages not very long ago.

"Captain Jennings I believe my Sargent asked you a question! Did you or did you not say what he said you did?"

Captain Hanks spoke up saying he hadn't said that, Captain Jennings had only called me a bitch and he had said the rest.

"I see, so you think I got my stars from sleeping around is that right Captain Hanks?"

"No ma'am, but it sounded good when I said it and Jennings got a laugh out of it."

"So you think you can come on my base and start making fun of me within twenty minutes of being on the base is that it? Let me ask you Captain Jennings when was the last time you saw combat? How about you Hanks? No? Neither of you have ever seen combat? Well gentlemen when you can say you have been through what I have and lived to tell about it you have the right to make fun of me, until then you've both earned extra duty running earns for me when Colonel Collins can spar you from the work she has for you. You each owe me four hours a day. If Colonel Collins needs you twenty then you better hope I don't need you, but I can assure you, you won't get off lightly for this. However, if you think you can climb in the ring with my company clerk and last three rounds I just might let you off the hook. Be warned though, there are only five maybe six people on this base that can defeat her."

They both looked at me thinking I had to be crazy they had both seen the little Sargent that was playing company clerk and they had no doubt they wouldn't have any trouble winning that one so accepted the challenge. I told them the match would be in three days and in those three days they would be free to train in what ever spare time they had after their training. They looked at each other thinking somehow I had tricked them, I assured them they wouldn't be putting in any more hours training than Sargent Turner does making sure this base runs smoothly, if anything they'd be putting in fewer hours. They didn't seem to believe me that Sargent Turner would be working just as hard as they did until they saw she was there when they started and still thereafter they were done for the day. I didn't happen to tell them Sargent Turner got a regular lunch and training secession every day, but they had taken things at face value and thought they could get an easy ride on the base they were soon going to find worked them harder than anywhere else they could have been.

I had Kent show them to their quarters and let them know they would be on the training ground at o-four-thirty, or I would see they were staying in the barracks with all the enlisted men.

Major Butterfield came in at o-nine hundred the next morning doing some kind of dance saying he was sure now there was a God since he finally got a station where the women were beautiful and the beer was cold, or at least that was what the MP that showed him to my office had said.

"Major Butterfield I guess you think things here are going to be an easy stroll through the park?"

He smiled at me making me think I needed to do a drug test on him, then opened his mouth.

"General what a lovely sight this is I truly enjoyed the sights on my way in."

Kent came in as he said that and had to struggle to keep from laughing.

"Sargent could you get Colonel Walker in here now!" I turned back to the Major. "Major Butterfield I don't think you have any idea why you're here do you?"

He looked at me funny convincing me he needed a drug screen.

"General I'm here because you requested me," he said in all seriousness.

I shook my head and called over to the hospital telling them I wanted a full drug analysis on Major Butterfield. Sara came in just as I hung up and started laughing.

"Doug just what the hell are you doing here?"

"Aw my little Sara blossom you are lovely as ever."

Sara looked over at me wanting to know just why this man was here.

"Colonel this man is here because you said we should give him a chance. I think I'm going to make him your problem and if you don't feel you can handle him by all means bust him back to Captain or something and send him back. Colonel one thing before you go, I just scheduled a drug screen for him at the hospital if you hurry you can just get him there in time and don't worry if he can't pee in the cup they are taking blood so they can do a full analysis. Once you have that done I want to see you again to go over a few things."

"Yes ma'am I'll take care of this right away."

When Sara got back I told her I didn't want to see her Major until I had the results of the drug tests and if he didn't came back clean I was likely to bust him back to Captain and send him back. She assured me she would be able to handle him if he came back clean, but if he didn't she would bust him and file charges to have him kicked out of the military.

I called the Majors former commander and ask him about Major Butterfield and the behavior I had witnessed. He said the only time he had seen the Major act that way was when a Captain Walker from the USAF was there TDY. I knew that this wasn't going to work unless Becky was willing to trade one of the Captains I had assigned to her the previous day for Major Butterfield. I called her into my office and explained the situation to her and gave her the choice. She agreed since it would get the two Captains apart and they were quickly becoming a problem for her as they always found some way of screwing something up she was sure couldn't be screwed up.

I called all my command grade officers into the office and told them they were either going to start acting like command grade soldiers or I was going to bust them back to O-1's and send them back to their old units and do all I could to see they never made rank again. I gave Becky Captain Hank and Major Butterfield telling her to keep them so busy they didn't have time to cause any trouble, even if it meant they dug ditches. I gave Captain Jennings to Sara and told her the same that if Captain Jennings wasn't so busy he could find trouble I would see she helped him fill the ditches I knew Captain Hanks and Major Butterfield were going to be digging.

Three days later I had three officers standing in my office asking to be transferred even if it did mean being busted down a grade or two.

"Gentlemen I'm glad to hear you're enjoying your time here. You made this the hell it has become because you thought you could come here and do the same thing you've done everywhere else you've been. I am not giving any of you transfers to anywhere. First of all your old commands don't want you back secondly you are now ready to start learning to be what you came here to be. You want to prove your the best then prove it. Take what your given like men. There isn't a single enlisted man out there that hasn't been through the same thing you've now been through and not one of them complained half as much as the three of you have."

"Believe me gentlemen the Colonels have been taking it easy on you compared to what I would do. I don't care for slackers and in the Rogue Units there isn't room for them. The Rogue Units are an elite unit that does what no one else thinks can be done. Not only do we do it we don't lose anyone while doing it. We go in, we clean house, and we get out. The one rule of the Rogue Units is no one gets left behind. We all make it out, or none of us do. For twenty-five years now not one man who was ever a member of Rogue got left behind. Not one! Gentlemen. Not once since I created the first Rogue Unit has anyone ever been left behind."

"So now then gentlemen tell me do you have what it takes, or are you just a bunch of bragging teenagers that are pretending to be officers in the military."

They all stood there not daring to open their mouths for fear what I just said might be true, that the enlisted men did have it harder than they did and they didn't want to find out by having to do the work they did as well. The statement that no one was ever left behind that every man who had ever been a part of Rogue survived every mission, could that be me trying to make it sound better than it was, or was it a fact and if a fact how many and what kind of missions did Rogue do. To have never lost a single man the missions couldn't have been very dangerous could they?

"Gentlemen there's a video this afternoon in the planning room it is required for anyone who hopes to make it here. I'm sure you think we must have had it easy, having never lost a man in over one hundred missions completed successfully. I'll let you come to your own conclusions after seeing the video. This video is classified so nothing you see can be discussed outside the planning room. Again while we are viewing the video I want you to pay careful attention. I may stop the video at times so I can say something about some parts, if you have any questions either write them down or do the best you can to remember them there will be no discussion while the video is running and we will give you every chance to ask whatever questions you may have once the video is complete.

Now if you are done bellyaching about how rough it is here you are dismissed to the planning room and once the other officers are there we'll start."

The officers all started gathering in the planning room pairing up with friends they had from their time either here or at other posts they had been to. As they all took their seats both Captains Jennings, and Hanks tried to sit in back, while Major Butterfield insisted on sitting front and center of the room. I wheeled my chair in and cleared my throat drawing everyone's attention.

"Captain Jennings it seems there is an empty seat up here a couple seats from Major Butterfield that appears to have your name on it. Do you think it's possible that you might either find your way up here or find your way out the door. The door option holds Lieutenant bars and a slow boat ride back to your old unit."

As he made his way forward and took the chair I indicated I looked back at Captain Hanks giving him the same two options.

"Ladies and gentlemen the video you are about to watch was recorded off the satellites in place during the last mission Rogue One completed. I'm proud to say the mission was a success and we had only one person wounded in the mission.

You are all here because Colonel Walker, Colonel Collins, and I believe you have the potential to be the best this military has. The reasons Rogue One was able to complete this mission is because no one in the unit watches out for just themselves. Everyone in Rogue One does their job better than anyone and they watch out for everyone else in the unit.

Rogue command has two policies. One of them you have heard since you arrived on this base. No one is every left behind! That doesn't mean no one gets wounded! That doesn't mean someone might not get killed! What that means is that we all come back! Either we all make it back or none of us make it back!

I formed the first Rogue Unit about twenty-five years ago during Vietnam. When this country pulled out of Nam Rogue was in the middle of the mission that forced me into retirement. I was told when we returned from that mission this country didn't need special units like Rogue, that because I felt without units like Rogue this country was leaving itself vulnerable. Six months ago I received a call asking me to reassemble my Rogue Unit because this country again had need of just such a unit. Everyone of the men from my old unit answered the call save one who wasn't able because some punk thought it was easier to steal then work. My second in command was killed for $15 and some change by some kid who never should have had a gun, but did.

The NCO's and Officers wearing patches that say Rogue One on their uniforms are part of my original unit, save the company clerk and Colonel's Walker and Collins. On this base anyone with that patch on their shirt out ranks you. They have lived what it means to be a part of the Rogue Force. They helped make the Rogue Force the most feared name to our enemy in Vietnam. They are a Force to be reckoned with both on and off the battlefield. Once you are a member of Rogue, you will no longer be allowed to compete in military wide events such as the martial arts events, shooting events, aerial combat events. Once you are qualified in Rogue you will always be a Force to be reckoned with. What you learn here will be with you forever, there are few out there who will know who you are unless they need you.

In this video you will not only see what was happening, you will hear it at least once we are airborne. If I stop the video it is to add something to what is going on, save your questions because if you ask them at those times they will go unanswered and you could be asked to leave, meaning your time on this base is over.

Sargent if you will please." The video started and I stopped it almost immediately. "I'm sorry about this it is the first time I've seen this video myself. I want to give you a lead in to some of what happened before we reached this point in the mission."

I explained how Rogue One hadn't worked together in eight years and we had been told we would have three months to train and get ready. On the third day we received our orders that we were shipping out later that afternoon and we didn't have time to train any further. I explained how one of the new officers to the unit had been abducted and we had needed to rescue her so we had everyone we were going to need to have a prayer of completing the mission successfully. I started the video again and let it run.

The video ended and I wheeled back to the front asking if anyone had any questions. A Lieutenant in the back asked what kind of aircraft it was we were flying since he couldn't remember seeing any like that since he'd arrived. I opened the floor to anyone who cared to answer the question, Major Butterfield answered telling him the fighters Colonel Collins and I were flying were both Russian mig's while the two bigger aircraft were both DC10's. I thanked the Major and said yes, he was right that the aircraft were indeed Russian mig's and DC10's. I asked if anyone aside from Colonel Collins and I had ever flown anything but our own aircraft. When no one volunteered I told them they were going to if not the real thing they would get the chance in the simulators.

"Ma'am I don't mean to belittle the simulators or anything, but how is that going to give us a feel for what those planes are really like in the air. Ok yes, they can help us learn the controls, but there is nothing that can replace the real thing." Major Butterfield asked.

"You're right Major the simulators as good as they are can't replace the real thing. I wish I could give you the chance to fly one of those bird, but I can't. The closest I can do is make the simulator as close to the real thing as possible and I can assure you what we have here are that. Both Colonel Collins and I helped in seeing to it they were."

"Ma'am, at the start you said only one person was wounded and I'm sure we all know from the video why you're now in that chair. It looked though ma'am as though someone else was wounded. Back at the start of the video. It looked like several of your men were walking with limps, but it seemed to me ma'am that the one you kept calling Techy was wounded while he was setting up his equipment."

"Techy were you wounded while you were setting up your equipment?"

"No ma'am I sure wasn't though I can see how it might look like I might have been. Sir I dropped a screw and had a dickens of a time finding it and fell off the chair looking. I wasn't wounded though, only the General took one this time."

I let them take a break for ten minutes while I had Techy load another video from our archives.

When they all came back in and took their seats I explained that this video was more a slide show as the technology of the time was no where near what it had been for the previous video. I didn't give them anymore of a lead in to what they would see other than to say all the original members of Rogue One were in the video. I went to the back of the room and turned off the lights on my way out. There was no way I was watching that video, I had seen it too many times, and more importantly, I had lived it. I knew what video it was as soon as the opening picture came on the screen.

I wanted to forget that time, but knew I never would. I sat in my office trying to keep busy, trying to not think about what that video showed. I started crying seeing the scenes again as I sat there. Feeling all the pain of having been tortured again and again. Watching those men who didn't want to die kneel there as the gun was put to their head and I was told I could stop it by telling them what they wanted, as I again and again gave my name rank and serial number. I heard the gun go off and saw the men fall as their brains covered the tent next to me splashing some of them on me. I cried as the memories came and over whelmed me so I saw only the knife as it slid through the neck of the man kneeling opposite me in that tent when again I gave my name rank and serial number.

I wanted it to stop then he was there my knight in shining armor the man who had never once let me down. The man who had saved my life so many times I couldn't remember all of them. There he stood on the other side of that cursed fence that for five years had been the one barrier I hadn't been able to over come and make my escape. There he stood large as life and I wanted to believe he was there. I had to believe he was there smiling at me letting me know he was there and I wasn't going to have to suffer anymore.

They unlocked the cage they kept me in because they were so afraid I might talk to the others and give them hope while they did all they could to take that hope away. Two of the guards reached in and pulled me out and died as soon as I was free of the cage. Two more came at me and died as quickly. Another raised his gun and I pushed it into his shoulder so hard I heard it snap then pulled it away going to the side just in case he managed to pull the trigger. I turned it with him still attached and shot until the clip was empty. I took it and used it as a club and killed four more guards hitting them in the head breaking the stock on the rifle and sending their brains everywhere. I picked up three guns laying at my feet and headed for the command buildings. Every other time I headed for the fence, but this time I headed for the command center.

They tried to adjust to the change I made and died as I ran across the compound I ran out of bullets in one gun and picked up another as I ran. When I got to the command center I heard the sound of M-16's firing not one, but a hundred maybe more. I knew I was safe now. My men where here and they lived by one rule, no one gets left behind. I ran into the building shooting anyone wearing the uniform of the enemy. I looked everywhere for that butcher who for five years had tortured me and countless others. I didn't find him so headed for his quarters knowing he was likely with some poor young girl whose family considered her worth less than a days ration of rice.

I killed the guards standing outside, two of the worst in the camp for abusing the prisoners. I opened the door knowing he was going to be standing there waiting for who ever dared cause such a fuss in his camp. Nothing! I entered to find the young girl standing there with a knife in her hand dripping blood. There on the bed was that bastard I wanted, laying there in a pool of blood. I took the girl and started heading outside when I heard something sail by my head and saw a knife sticking in the door frame. I turned raising the gun I held and pulled the trigger. Nothing, there weren't any bullets left and that bastard had yet another knife. He threw it and I used the gun to stop it just before it hit the girl. I pushed the girl outside and walked over to this man I so despised. This monster who for five long years had made my life a living hell.

I don't remember anything other than I kicked him, then Kent was holding me by the shoulders telling me he was dead. I looked down and saw he was just a shell the life had left him sometime and I continued to beat him. I wanted to hit him for every time he or one of his men had hit me. I had yelled that it wasn't me who was guilty of murdering those men it was him. He had the responsibility of treating those men like men and he had instead treated them worse than dogs. I rolled over to the window and cried for all the hate I had built while in that prison camp.

"You ok Andrea?"

I didn't answer, I didn't turn or anything, and he came over and took me in his arms and held me. He told me he knew how hard it was for me to have to share that with these men who didn't have any reason to believe that what they were seeing was true. He lifted me out of the chair and held me against his chest letting me cry and bury my face in his shoulder. I wanted to be held like this for so long. How had I managed to not tell this man I loved him for so long. How had I allowed him to go with me into the hell we went into time and again doing everything we could to save the lives of those who wore the same uniform we did.

"I can't do it anymore Kent," I said looking up at him through the tears running down my face.

He kissed me telling me I didn't have to. My time had come, now it was someone else's turn. I put my head back on his shoulder and looked out the window seeing only this man who held me in his arms. Knowing again I was safe.

The door opened and Major Butterfield stood there seeing me in the arms of my First Sargent. He pulled the door closed and knocked. Kent set me back in the chair and went and opened the door.

I turned, "do you need something Major?"

"The video is over ma'am, some of the men have questions they would like to ask."

"Dismiss the men Major there won't be anymore training today."

"Yes ma'am. Ma'am I... I'll dismiss the men ma'am." He turned and walked away closing the door behind him.

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  25. ##  Changes in Life

I never thought things would end up the way they did. How was I supposed to know that one day I would fall head over heels for a man most would consider to be a brute, a man who could break someone in half with nothing more than a thought. How things change when we allowed change to happen. I wanted to just be who I knew I was, and the world turned against me, or so it seemed. Looking back I wonder if just maybe instead of the world turning against me it was me who turned against what I was sure was true. On the night of my sixteenth birthday I had done everything to show who I was, and thought I'd found myself only to get knocked down by what I deemed was the world turning against me for trying to express myself in the manner I felt was right.

After that night I stopped dressing for a few years trying to be what everyone thought I should be, or more accurately what I thought everyone wanted me to be. I did everything to prove I was a mans man, taking on the most challenging things I could find, the things only men were allowed. Then did everything I could to show I could do it better than anyone. I moved to the top of my class at the academy managing to pull a straight "A" in all my classes, and at the same time learning to fly every aircraft the Air Force had. I excelled when it came to flying the fighters by learning to push them beyond the limits anyone thought possible, while at the same time doing everything I could to keep anyone from being able to guess what I might do next if I found myself being dogged by one of the other students, or even the instructors. Before long I was named the top pilot and the one no one wanted to go up against in competitions.

Then to be stationed where I was going to see battle almost every day. The first time out to score not one, but two kills seemed unreal. I didn't want to kill anyone I wanted to save lives, but it seemed I was destined to kill or be killed. I gained rank fast once I was stationed in Nam, it seemed everyone I went there with either got shot down or killed fighting a war we never understood. They kept telling us we were making a difference, and winning, but every time it seemed we gained ground, someone always gave it back saying we couldn't have what we had fought so hard for. It was proving to be a war we couldn't win, not because we couldn't win, but because when we won something someone said we weren't playing fair and took it away and gave it back. How could we ever hope to win if they kept that up?

There was a Sargent that it seemed no one wanted he was a smart ass, was the word going around, but I noticed he knew the aircraft better than most of the others who had been crew chief for me so I asked for him as my crew chief. He seemed to come alive working on my aircraft making sure it would be ready when I got my next mission. We talked many times about what we would like to do if only we could. We talked about how it seemed no matter what we did we never got anywhere, it seemed all we did was hold a line that no one dared cross. About two weeks after getting Sargent Kent Jensen for my crew chief I made Major and was given my own command. I started looking through files trying to find the best I could in hopes of making a real difference only to find what I thought was the best was just some kid who knew how to follow orders, but had no heart for making sure everyone else made it back. They seemed to think if they followed orders everything would work out, and they would make it home again.

I flew so many missions trying to find just the right men and always finding men who cared only for doing things the way they were told they should be. What if we got into a situation where following the book didn't work? Then what? Did I have to fight the enemy and figure out how to keep them from being killed at the same time? What was wrong with them trying something that wasn't in the book? Couldn't they see the enemy had read the book, and if that was how they were going to fight they had no chance? I flew three missions with men who knew the book, and were sure the answer was there somewhere, then expected me to bail them out when they couldn't find their own way of escaping sure disaster. I went to my commander and asked for leave feeling that after all the times I had come so close to not making it back trying to insure the others in my squad made it back I wouldn't have trouble.

That was when I was asked to form an elite unit that could go behind enemy lines and bring back the POW's in the various camps. Major Jensen you have a knack for taking risks and coming out on top. We want you to form a unit that can go in and rescue those who weren't as fortunate and bring them home again. I wasn't sure I wanted any part of what they were asking me to do, but accepted the challenge asking for six months to work with those I chose for this special unit so we knew what to expect and I could learn the men who would be under my command. They assured me that I could choose anyone I wanted from any branch of the military and then I would have six months to have them ready to go. Six weeks after I assembled the men we were told we were being deploying on our fist mission. A small POW camp just inside the DMZ were they were holding several pilots who had been shot down recently and were being held until the Vietcong could move them to other camps farther inside their territory.

I wanted to ask about the six months I had been promised, but knew I wouldn't like the answer. The men I had chosen were all good soldiers, but turned out to be wrong for what it was I needed. We made it in and over whelmed the camp freeing all the prisoners, but when it came time to get them home everything started falling apart when it seemed Sargent Jensen and I were the only ones who could see what needed to be done and almost none of the officers I had in the unit were willing to listen to Sargent Jensen let alone think for themselves and take a little initiative toward making sure we got back alive.

I asked for helicopter support in getting the people out and was told I would have whatever support I needed, when they sent three helicopters in to get us I asked were the rest were, and found out there weren't anymore. We were supposed to find another way if possible as they didn't want to risk trying to send anymore help. We loaded the most severely wounded on the choppers, and I started trying to find a way back through enemy lines for everyone else. It took us four days to work our way the twenty miles from where that camp was to our side of the DMZ and into a base camp where we could finally get help for those we had with us who needed medical attention. Half the unit I formed needed medical attention either from dysentery or some other form of infection that could easily have been avoided had they been able to think for themselves rather then just follow orders.

Sargent Jensen and I made our way back to headquarters. I told them I needed to reform the unit as the men I had spent six weeks training had proven to be good soldiers, but not what I needed if I couldn't get the support I had been promised. Colonel Collins spoke up for me asking that I be given a chance again, but this time allowed to have access to all personnel files so I could have a chance of building the best unit possible. I had proven I was able, and if I could build a unit properly, there was likely little I wouldn't be able to accomplish getting our POW's back out of enemy hands.

They gave me the chance and with Kent's help we put together a unit that become know as the sure ride home for those we could rescue from the different prison camps. The enemy came to hate the name of our unit as they couldn't figure out when or where we would hit next. We started hearing rumors that anytime they knew we were coming they would start killing prisoners just so we wouldn't be able to return them. Yet every time we got to the camps we were headed for it was as though they never had a clue we were coming and thus hadn't done anything to repel us. We went in to these prisons fast and hard taking out the perimeter and slowly moving in making sure we laid down an escape route so once we had the men being held it was an easy march to safety were we could see to the needs of the men we just rescued.

I had the unit almost fully manned needing only a couple more pilots when the unthinkable happened. I took some of the pilots I was considering for the unit out on a routine mission where I could see what they had. I flew an F-104 so I had a little more maneuverability and greater fire power then what I usually flew. We encountered a small group of enemy fighters dispatching them quickly and I was feeling sure who I wanted of the pilots I had up there when we got hit by a full squadron of enemy fighters. We were out gunned three or four to one and struggling to hold our own. As our ammo started running low the enemy disengaged and started heading back to their bases. I gave the orders to let them go and head back to base when one of my pilots started closing on the enemy fighters trying to draw them back into the fight a fight we had no chance of winning, and I had no intention of allowing him to succeed. I knew how low we all were on both fuel and ammo, I just wanted to get us all home in one piece. Once the order was given everyone turned back for our base letting the enemy go knowing that one day we might face them again. Everyone that is but a Captain Arnold with the navy. While everyone else headed home he took off after the fleeing enemy fighters preparing to engage them on his own. I looped over to try cutting him off flying across his intended path just as he fired on an enemy fighter. The path I took lead straight through his fire and I banked so the plane would take it on the underside hoping somehow nothing would come inside and hit me.

As his rounds hit my plane I told him to rejoin the rest of the flight and he would be lucky if I didn't bring him up on charges when we got back. He turned and headed back to join the others and I tried to bank to join as well and the plane didn't respond. I did everything I could to try turning and the plane just kept going straight. I pulled back on the controls to try doing a rollover to turn and the engine burst into flames. I killed the engine and radioed a mayday telling everyone in my command to return to base that I would join them as soon as I could. I popped the canopy and ejected knowing with every second I delayed I was farther and farther behind enemy lines. I hated having to eject from my aircraft, but without being able to control it there wasn't anything else I could do but eject hoping I would come down and be able to find shelter of some kind before the enemy found me.

When I landed I got hung in a tree high enough I knew to just release the harness and finish the fall I would likely break something hoping it wouldn't be my neck and at the same time hoping just maybe it would be so when and if I was found by the enemy I would already be dead. I landed breaking my left leg passing out with the pain that shot through me as it snapped. I came to a short time later still alone and set to trying to splint it enough I would at least be able to walk. I set my gun on the ground next to me and as I was tying the last knot on the splint the enemy showed up. I went to grab my gun and got hit just as my fingers touched it sending me into unconsciousness again.

When I came to I was tied up so I couldn't move easily and was in the back of a truck headed for who knew where wishing I hadn't gone back to stop that stupid Captain from getting himself killed. The bouncing of the truck brought on so much pain I was out again before long and the next time I woke up the truck was just pulling into the camp that was going to be my home for the next five years.

The truck came to a stop and I was dragged out and dropped on the ground where I almost blacked out again. One of the men there grabbed my arm lifting me and forcing me to stand as the camp commandant came out to see what they had brought for him to keep an eye on now. He came down the row stopping in front of each of the officers who arrived with me, when he got to me he looked over at the guard and asked why I was bound so I couldn't do more than just stand there. I didn't understand the answer but almost laughed because of the look on his face.

The Sargent that was standing next to me said he had been told I had killed four men when they had captured me, and another six men when they tried to tie me up. The Sargent said the commandant wanted to know which of us was the ranking officer. I looked down the row and saw two Captains and four Lieutenants leaving me as a Major the ranking officer. I guess someone told him I was because when he got back down to me he asked my name and rank. I thought about lying and saying I was Kent Jensen Staff Sargent USAF, but I didn't know Kent's serial number, so gave my name rank and serial number. He laughed and said I couldn't be who I said I was and asked again for my name and rank. I stood there not saying anything, what was I supposed to say? He'd already said I couldn't be who I claimed, and if I couldn't be me who could I be?

He ordered them to take us all to the infirmary to have our various wounds tended to when I was done there he wanted to see me back in his office.

At the infirmary they took the splint off my leg and set it putting a walking cast on saying they didn't have anyway of setting it so I couldn't use it as the commandant said no prisoner was to be given treatment other than what was necessary and casts that would immobilize were not necessary.

They made the mistake of after putting the walking cast on me, untying my hands. I sat there as they finished knowing that in all likely hood trying to escape was going to be an exercise in futility, but felt I needed to try anyway. I stood down on the floor thinking of a way I might over power the guards and medical personnel in the room when the biggest man I think I have ever seen walked in. He said the camp commander wanted to talk to me and put a gun in my face saying I didn't have a choice. I told him I didn't want to see the commander and if he wanted to see me that badly he could come find me since it didn't look like I was going anywhere any time soon. I guess these people didn't have much of a sense of humor, since he put the gun against my head and said I might want to rethink seeing the commander and cocked the gun. I looked him in the eye and simply said go ahead and pull the trigger, but I am sure your commander will want to know why if you do.

He lowered the gun and hit me knocking me back a few steps. I looked at him and smiled. He started turning the most magnificent shade of red I have ever seen. He went to hit me again and I blocked him and kicked him in the groin in one move. I seemed to have forgotten I was wearing the cast as the kick though good enough to take this giant off his feet also sent me crashing to the floor. I recovered and got back to my feet, telling the giant that I was now ready to see the commander if he still wanted to see me.

One of the other guards took me to see the commander while the doctor checked out the big guy for damage. When we got to the commanders office the guard stopped and knocked waiting for the command. The door opened and the commander asked where the giant was as he had been the one sent to fetch me. On finding out I had put him on his knees the commander looked at me and asked why. I told him the next time I wouldn't just hurt the man I would likely kill him so he better be a little better at picking the people he sent to get me in the future. He laughed and said others had tried to kill the man and had paid a hard price for it. I smiled thinking he had underestimated me and my prowess with martial arts. He then went on to say I was the highest ranking American so the other Americans were going to be looking to me for leadership and if I wanted to live I would set a good example by being cooperative. I laughed and said I would be the best commander these men had ever seen, and lead them to freedom and the destruction of this camp and others if it came down to it. I informed him that as long as they followed the rules as set down by the Geneva Convention they would find I could be a very cooperative prisoner. He laughed and told me we weren't in Geneva and here everything went how he said or someone would pay with their life. He also said something to the effect that he would see the day when I would either beg for my life or that he would kill me. I let him know he was wrong on both those accounts, but I would be happy to kill him the day he begged me to.

As we talked the giant came in asking to be allowed to teach me a lesson for what I had done when he came to get me. The commander looked at him then me wondering what my chances were of surviving a lesson like this man wanted to give and decided that he didn't really care so agreed saying I needed to be tied up first. The giant looked at me then the commander and said he was sure I wasn't able to beat him again whether, or not I was tied up. He looked at some papers and said if I killed the man I would spend the next month in the pit, but relented that he was willing to let him have his chance.

An hour later with the other prisoners watching the fight began. The giant came at me as though to give me a bear hug in which I knew he would be able to crush everyone of my ribs. I ducked under him and came up behind kicking him in the ass sending him crashing into a building that had been behind me when he charged. I rolled back to my feet taking again the poise I had developed some time long before when I was still just an apprentice learning martial arts. I knew I wouldn't be able to jump like I was use to doing when fighting, but figured I could still handle this oaf easily enough if he showed he was as slow and awkward as he had shown thus far. He came at me again this time showing a lot more speed and grace then he had previously shown, that before he was just trying to play with me. As he came within reach of me for him not me I stepped in toward him taking the chance he was committed to his move enough that I could counter with a few moves of my own. He over reacted to my step in and lost his balance giving me an opening to place a few heart punches, then retreat. He stood there flat footed looking at me, but not seeing me or anything as he was standing there dead just not falling yet. I hadn't meant to kill him just stop his attacks that would eventually wear me down giving him the advantage he wanted.

The commander pointed at three guards telling them to take me to the pit. As they reached me the giant fell face first in the mud, to the cheers of the other prisoners. I bowed to the others there and then went quietly with the three who were to see I found my way to the pit that was to be my home for the next month. I knew I couldn't let them know who I was, but suspected they already knew. Otherwise, why would the commander have told me before the fight if I killed his man I would spend time in the pit. He had to know I was capable even in the shape I was in. if he didn't why the warning. From the way the other prisoners cheered my victory, the man I had just killed must have been someone who enjoyed inflicting pain on others and I had just beat him not once but twice and with the last defeat had ended his reign of terror.

The first week in the pit I received what I was sure were half rations of rice and water, an attempt to weaken me even further I was sure. After the first day though I started digging at night for worms and other bugs I knew could supplement the meager rations and found there was an abundance of things that crawled around the pit at night so instead of losing weight and strength I recovered my health to a great extent. There wasn't much to do while in the pit so I started singing to myself and even took up dancing or at least made an attempt with the limited room I had. The commander wanted to see me again after the first week and seeing me in as good of health as I was surprised him a little since I guess no one else had thought to eat bugs and worms while in the pit even though they were there in abundance.

He said he wanted to know just who I was and no more trying to say I was Major Jensen as he knew first hand Major Jensen was a female. She had raided the camp he had been at before freeing all the prisoners and then escaping back across the DMZ through heavy fire with every man alive and dead who had been in that camp. I smiled because I remembered that mission. God how they came at us. Kent had been hit twice and still managed to keep pace with me as we laid down cover fire for the others then made a wild run to get out ourselves. Yes I had been Andrea that time and a couple other times as well. He didn't believe I was who I was because I wasn't Andrea now, so it wasn't making any sense to him. Surely there couldn't be two Major Jensen's capable of fighting the way I had. He wanted to know something I couldn't tell him. I could have given every secret I had and he wouldn't have believed me as long as I continued to say I was Major Jensen. I found my name to be my ace in the hole where he was concerned, because he couldn't believe I could be transsexual, and give orders in a female voice as well as a male voice. All those years of being Andrea as a child had paid off in this one instance because now I was an enigma the enemy couldn't figure out.

When I insisted that I was Major Jensen USAF and gave my serial number he had the guards beat me and throw me back in the pit making sure I heard him give the orders that I was to receive half rations. Water had become my big concern while in the pit because while it was wet there wasn't any standing water other than what they gave me. About half way though the third week it started raining and the water started collecting in the bottom of the pit to the point I had to start sleeping sitting up as much as possible or take the chance of drowning in muddy rain water. The commander called for me again asking me the same questions he asked before and getting the same response as before. He again had the guards beat me, but this time put me in a cage that had so little room I couldn't do more than curl in a ball. He again ordered half rations noticing I still hadn't lost any weight and seemed even healthier than I had when he had me placed in the pit the first time.

In the cage I found it harder to catch bugs and worms were out of the question since the cage was about three feet off the ground. I started getting cramps from the tight quarters but managed to again catch enough bugs to supplement the small rations I received. When he sent for me again the guards had to reach in the cage to get me out and when my feet hit the ground I rounded on them killing one before the others were able to realize what was happening and subdue me sufficiently so I didn't kill anymore of them. The commander was furious I had managed yet again to kill one of his elite guards so easily before the others were able to stop me.

He again asked the same questions and again got the same responses. He was growing tired of the highest ranking officer among his prisoners being so insistent on giving what to him was an obvious deception. He knew now that giving me half rations wasn't working as my health continued to improve despite the fact I shouldn't have been getting near enough to eat. He ordered me back into the cage and this time allowed full rations since half rations seemed to have no effect other than to make me healthier and stronger if that were possible. I still supplemented what they gave me with bugs but not near as many as before and it seemed the bugs became harder to catch once I was again on full rations.

Over the next year the commander brought me in to question me asking the same questions over and over. He had me beaten several times to the point I became unconscious and woke again back in the little cage he seemed to think was the best I deserved. I had a view of most of the camp from that cage and watched as others came and went some being beaten into unconsciousness and carried back to their rooms or cages by other prisoners who had somehow earned the trust of the commander either by talking and telling what they knew or by snitching on other prisoners. How often I wished I could get out and walk around the camp, stretching my legs and arms. So many times he offered me that if I would just tell him the truth about who I was. He knew I was Major Jensen the Navy Captain had been sure to let him know that was indeed my name. What he didn't know was what part I had in the military other than I was a pilot. If all I was, was a pilot why wouldn't I give more then just my name rank and serial number? It wasn't making sense to him.

Several times Captain Morgan as I had taken to Calling the man who shot me down was standing near my cage looking at me as though he wasn't sure why he was still alive. Once I tried to talk to him asking why he hadn't listened when I ordered everyone to allow the enemy to go during that mission. He looked at the ground and walked away never saying anything. Many times some of the other prisoners would come over near me and start talking about how one day Major Jensen's men would show up and everyone even the traitor would finally get to go back home to their families. They always smiled and winked at me after saying something to that effect, as if they all knew I was the Major from the stories they'd heard.

It seemed to be common knowledge throughout the camp that I had made two promises to the commander the day I had arrived telling him that one day my men would show up, and on that day he would beg me to kill him. How things seemed to be going in the favor of the commander until the day his men came to take me to him and I killed one getting his gun and killing another before one hit me from behind knocking me unconscious yet again. The commander was angry they hit me that hard with the butt of a gun thinking they may have caused brain damage until I woke up and killed yet another guard and made it as far as the fence before his men could stop me. I tried to escape three or four times knowing that I would never make it beyond the gate alive, but showing they hadn't broken me into being the passive little prisoner that some of the others had become. Each time I made a rush for the fence they let me go until I reached it and then tried to subdue me. The first time they did that they lost three men to the fence and had three or four others who were hurt severely trying to avoid hitting the fence.

It didn't take long before they started using a minimum of six guards every time they let me out of the cage to see the commander. Any less and they weren't sure how long it would take to capture me again and they didn't want to lose anymore men because they were foolish enough to get to close to me as I came out. The commander on the second year decided that he would try new tactics in getting me to talk and started telling me about the mission I had done at the camp he had been at when he first learned about me. He talked as though it was another Major Jensen since that Major Jensen had been a woman though. He said he was going to see if I still had the strength to resist if I didn't have any balls the way the other Major Jensen didn't have any. He had me taken to the med tent and strapped to a gurney. One of his doctors brought in a tray with surgical instruments on it and proceeded to cut my pants off me. There was no anesthetic when they started cutting not material but me. I bit back a scream and did all I could to remain conscious as they removed first one testicle and then inserted something about the same size in its place and sewed me back up. The next day he again asked if I was ready to talk or did I want to lose all hope of having children once this war was over and I returned home. I gave him my name rank and serial number again and found myself again strapped to the gurney while the same doctor removed the other testicle inserting something about the same size before sewing me up again. The commander decided that if that wasn't enough perhaps electronically removing all my facial hair would help loosen my tongue. Over the next several months they gave me something I had been sure once I was out of the military and again living full-time as Andrea would cost me a fortune. Once they finished that they started doing electrolysis in the groin area removing all the hair from my scrotum. I thought of all the material I had read about how this was something that stopped most from ever going all the way with their transition. All things I was going to need if I completed transition and would have had to pay for out of my pocket.

Was God telling me something here? Did he want me to be Andrea? Why all the fuss if that was his master plan why not just let me pay for it once I was ready. Each time the probe went in and the current was turned on I thanked God for looking out for me and showing what he wanted me to do. I hadn't had a hair cut since I had been captured and it was getting quite long by the time they gave up on electrolysis and getting me to talk that way. The day after they stopped the electrolysis the commander said he had a present for me and ordered me to strip the tatters that were left of my uniform. He then threw a pair of lace panties at me ordering me to put them on along with a complete uniform for a woman in the Air Force complete with my name and rank were they should have been. I looked at the uniform and blushed. I couldn't believe he had finally realized that the Major Jensen he thought he knew was me, yet here was the uniform that had come up missing after one of the missions I'd completed. Once I had the uniform on he sat back and laughed. He hadn't made the connection until just then, I had inadvertently given him the one piece of information he so desperately wanted and hadn't said a word. He understood the importance of what all that electrolysis had for me as before him stood not Major Andrew Jensen, but Major Andrea Jensen.

I was sure he was going to fall off his chair laughing when he stopped and asked if I was now ready to talk. He took his knife and tossed it sticking it in the floor at my feet and said if I wished to shave my legs I was more than welcome to use it, but otherwise if I tried anything else his men were to shoot me before I had a chance. I picked up the knife and everyone of the guards in the room raised their guns. I ran the knife over my left leg finding that it was every bit as sharp as the knife I carried when going on a mission. When I was done I gently set the knife back on the floor as the men all lowered their guns I kicked the knife back to the commander sticking it in the top of his desk inches from his hand. He said that if I would share just how my unit had known when and how to strike he would allow me the honor of not ruining the uniform I now wore, but if I continued to be stubborn I might as well get use to the idea that his men did get horny from time to time and they just might use me to satisfy their lusts. I looked at each of the men standing there and then at the knife I kicked to stick in the desktop. They were all looking at the knife as I reminded them just how many of their countrymen I had already killed since I had arrived at their little hotel. Yes if they came in mass they many have succeeded in raping me, but how many would it take and how many would be dead before they were done? I never had any problem with anyone in the camp trying to use me to fill their lust since no one was willing to take the chance that they might be one of those who paid for it with their life.

When I walked out of the commanders' office that time everyone in the camp now knew that I was Major Andrea Jensen commander of Rogue Unit. Captain Morgan on seeing me dressed in my WAF uniform pointed and said they planned on doing that to anyone who refused to talk. I reached down and picked up a rock about the size of a large marble, and almost as round, testing its weight I let it fly hitting him right at the nap of his neck knocking him over into the mud. I saluted everyone else standing there and said it wouldn't be long and Rogue would be there and we would all be going home.

The commander came out of his office as I said those words and told them to put me back in the cage and start taking extra precautions when ever dealing with me because I was likely the most dangerous person they any of them may ever have the chance to meet. After another month of just my name rank and serial number he realized the shift that was taking place among the prisoners in that everyone was now looking to me for hope since I was the commander of the one unit that they all felt had a chance of getting them out and back home. They knew my reputation of never leaving anyone behind and were sure that would include them when the time came. Everyone started denying him information, willing to be beaten rather than talking to anyone but those they trusted most among the other prisoners. Captain Morgan soon found that no one was talking to him other than a hello and if he showed up the conversation stopped until he left again.

The start of the fifth year started a whole new kind of torture for me as whenever the commander wanted to see me he had them bring one of the other prisoners in as well. I thought it rather strange the first time he did so, not realizing he could stoop to that level of cruelty. He would ask me the standard questions and when I started to give the standard reply they took the other prisoner over close enough he didn't have to reach far and put the barrel of his gun against the mans head. I looked at the man knowing what would happen if I gave the answer I always gave and saw forgiveness in his eyes. I continued the response and he pulled the trigger. I closed my eyes and asked that God would also forgive me the thing that had just happened. I was taken back out to the cage and a couple of the other prisoners were brought in to clean up and remove the dead man and see to his burial. I promised that every man that died that way would be remembered and taken home so his loved ones could mourn the loss properly. I prayed that god would bring an end to this, that Rogue would get there soon so this senseless killing would stop. I could have talked, but what if the man had died anyway? Would talking stop this? No! The answer was a solid no! Talking wouldn't stop the mindless killing it would only make me as much a traitor as Captain Morgan had proven to be. To think I had once considered him for Rogue, the thought made my stomach turn. Everyone there knew he had sold out his country and those he was supposedly serving with. How many died because of the information he had given? I hoped I would never find out.

It sickened me that this was happening, but I was in no position to stop it. How many more men were going to have to die for the secrets I held? I wanted it to end I started asking God to make this madness end, I wasn't sure I could take anymore. Pete! The name of the man who had been shot to try making me talk was Sargent Peter Rosewood, I heard he hailed from a small town somewhere in South Dakota. I wouldn't forget him, I wouldn't forget any of them who died to protect their country and the freedom we have. When that gun was put to his head he knew he was dead and prayed that God would show mercy to me for doing what he knew I had to do. He looked in my eyes and smiled mouthing that he was ready to pay what ever price was asked because he believed, he believed in God, and he believed in me. He knew when I left I was taking everyone with me, every man there was going home even if it was so their families could bury them in what ever manner they saw fit for the one they loved who was willing to give everything so they could be free.

Sargent Rosewood was the first. Seaman Reynolds second again assuring me that I was doing the right thing. Lieutenant Seymour, Sargent Banks, Airman Alexander, and Sargent Sanchez. Each of them gave their lives so their comrades wouldn't have to. Each of them died a hero and I would do everything I could to see they were acknowledged as the hero's they were. I wouldn't forget the sacrifice they made and I would make sure they each returned home to their families.

A month after Sargent Sanchez, the guards came for me again. I looked out and saw only two guards standing there and started wondering just what was happening. The gate to my cage opened and they just stood there. I wasn't sure what to do so slid out looking for the rest of the guards seeing none anywhere, even the two who had opened the door were gone. I stretched and looked at the fence and knew I had a clear shot, but what? The fence was hot enough to kill and there was noway the gate would be open and unmanned so what if I did make it to the fence I had noway over or through it. I looked over where the main body of prisoners were kept and saw them standing around looking just as baffled as I felt. I turned to the headquarters building and wondered could it really be that my men had come. Could it possibly be that the guards were all on the fence hoping against hope that their worst nightmare wasn't coming true. I started toward the commanders' office and stopped seeing two guards rounding a corner. I started to move more carefully trying to find out what was going on when I rounded a corner and there stood the two guards I had seen just a short time before kneeling throwing something against a wall their guns laying on the ground next to them. As I rounded the corner they jumped for their guns and I ducked back tight against the building waiting for them to come after me. The gun barrel of the first one stuck around the corner and I grabbed it pulling the gun and owner around the corner and holding him with his back to me as his buddy came around the corner and fired. The bullets hit the man I was holding and I fired his gun killing the man who had thought to have me and instead got his buddy.

When the guns fired there was an explosion that rattled the ground and the weight of the man I was holding with the rocking of the ground took me off my feet. I rolled back to a crouching position with the dead mans gun now in my possession. I looked in the direction of the explosion and there was a big hole in the fence. I tried to motion the other prisoners to go back inside the buildings and saw them instead fighting with guards taking their guns and killing anyone who was wearing a Vietcong uniform. I turned back to the command buildings and like the others shot anyone wearing a Vietcong uniform. At the door to the command building I kicked the door and ducked behind the wall as a few shots came out. I went around to a window I could reach and looking through saw only two men inside both holding nothing but hand guns and neither knowing how to use them very well. I broke the glass in the window and then headed for the door. Shooting both before they realized the ruse I had just pulled on them. I turned for the commanders' office and again kicked the door open. Nothing happened so I slowly rounded the corner into the office and swept the room finding nothing but what I always saw. A big map on the wall showing where we were and a stack of requisitions sitting on the commanders desk awaiting his signature.

I went out the side door that lead to his personal living quarters and heard a sound. I ran across the open yard between the command offices and the commanders quarters and kicked in the door. Curled in a corner with a bloody knife was a young Vietnam girl trembling fearfully. On the bed lay the commander in a pool of blood muttering curses in his native language, trying to make his legs move with no success. I walked over to him and looked down asking him if he was ready to fulfill the rest of the promise I had made him the day I arrived in his camp. He looked up at me and said this was all my fault that he should have killed me not those others that I was too much trouble for the time he had put up with me. Why hadn't I begged him like he wanted? Why did it now come to me standing there and asking him if he was ready to beg me to kill him? I walked over to the girl and took the knife from her telling her she should go now that no one would hurt her, but it was time for her to go. She ran out of the building and I turned back to the commander.

He looked at me still cussing me for all the trouble I had give him, saying if only I hadn't been so stubborn none of this would be happening. I thought of all the times I had been beaten on his command and how I had to learn to live on bugs and other things because he refused to allow me enough food to survive. I wondered just how long I had been there being tortured for information that would have risked the lives of so many others and when the torture proved to be ineffective he would come up with something else that was even worse. I remembered every one of the men he had shot saying it was my fault because I wouldn't cooperate. I remembered the look on each of the faces of those men, as they knew they were going to die because there were so many others lives on the line and I had to decide if I could hold the responsibility of their death over what it would have cost to give the information they were dying to protect. How close I came to dying while there either tied up or caged and his men beat me. I remembered the day he gave me the uniform I was wearing and how on that day he realized I was the same woman who had commanded the force that destroyed another prison camp he had been at.

I raised the gun and asked him if he was ready to beg me for a merciful death because either way he was going to die. I didn't owe this man any mercy, but offered him what mercy I could, the chance to die fast and fairly painlessly or to die in the bed he was laying in and suffocate from the fire that was going to consume the building once I walked out of it. He bowed his head and offered a prayer to his God and nodded, he didn't want his last day to be one of horror and he begged me to please make it swift. I walked over and placed the gun against his head and pulled the trigger. The magazine emptied and I held the gun there still holding the trigger crying for the loss that had taken place in my life and the lives of all the men who had been prisoners in this hell hole. Kent stood behind me not saying a word just watching as I froze holding that trigger and emptying the gun into his head. I turned and he came and put his arms around me holding me against him telling me I was safe now and he would never let anyone hurt me again.

We turned and there stood Jim my old room mate from the academy just standing there having seen that I had my face buried in the chest of my Sargent crying, as he tried to comfort me. As we started toward the door he asked if I felt up to commanding since he wasn't sure just what to do since they didn't like his ideas and he was more or less just there to take whatever blame might come from them having disobeyed orders about coming after me in the first place. So they hadn't come with orders to get the men in this camp out, but had taken it on themselves to come after me regardless of whatever the outcome might be. I looked at Kent and asked if they had orders. He said as far as he knew they did, but he hadn't seen them so didn't really know. I demanded that Jim explain what was going on before I would even consider them taking anyone from this camp home. He explained he had been the one to give the orders thus was the one to take any blame when we got home. He said Jimmy and Kent had done most of the planning so he really wasn't sure how we were getting back out. We went in the command building and I started looking at the maps asking if they knew if they were accurate or not and to show me just where we were. There was an air strip not far from us and I asked if they had looked into securing it so we could use it to get out. Kent said Jimmy had taken the mechanics and enough of the rest of the unit to secure the air strip along with any aircraft that might be there. According to satellite pictures they had, there should be two cargo aircraft and about six fighters that we could use if they were still there.

He had radio contact with Jimmy, but hadn't contacted him yet fearing giving one or the other away before securing both. I asked him to make contact saying I was willing to take the risk and if they were as efficient as the force that hit here they should have our exit secured already. A few minutes later I was talking to Jimmy about what we had in the way of an exit. He let me know we had both cargo aircraft and a full wing of fighters if we wanted them. I asked him if we had enough pilots for that many aircraft and he said something about hoping some of the pilots that were in the camp already could be counted on to fly one or two of the birds. I went over a mental list of the men in the camp I knew where pilots and could be trusted enough to even consider asking if they felt up to the task. Jimmy let me know he had trained most of the unit in the time I had been gone and while many of them were good in our planes there were only six he would trust to fly these birds into a combat situation.

I looked over at Jim and asked if he felt up to the task of flying a fighter or would feel better about flying a cargo plane with men who were counting on him to get them home in one piece. He said it would be like the academy to fly fighter with me again. I took that as he intended to fly fighter as my wing man the way we had so many life times ago. After finding out some of the fighters were two man birds I turned to Kent and asked if he felt up to trusting my skills since I hadn't flown in five years. I asked what Jimmy had in the way of ground transportation and if he could manage to see the path between the camp and the airstrip was secure so we didn't have to do a lot of fighting moving from one to the other. He informed me it had already been seen to and what ground transportation he had should be here any moment along with all the men he could spare in preparing the aircraft so when we got there we could leave as quickly as possible.

I asked Jim why he wanted to step down as commander since he outranked me in that he was a Colonel and I was only a Major. He said I was wrong about only being a Major that I received a promotion the day before I had been shot down but hadn't been told the orders said I was to be raised to full bird bypassing Lieutenant Colonel. He wanted to make sure before telling me and the day after I went down got the conformation that the orders were correct making me the ranking officer in the camp unless there happened to be a General he wasn't aware of, he handed me a set of eagles to pin on my shoulders and then saluted me.

I looked over the plans making a few changes that I saw might be a problem hoping the changes I made would reduce the risk. I didn't think about what I was doing I just did it, it was like I had been in command of the unit the whole time. I would make a change and Kent would smile knowing it would both save time and lives. He seemed to smile a lot when ever I looked at him and I wondered because I wanted to make him smile. I wanted to more than make him smile I wanted to make him laugh and I knew I would make him cry more then anything. The plans had been altered and accepted and we started going over the men who would be going with us. I asked Kent to get the bodies of the dead we had there gathered together so we could take them home with us, insisting that they deserved nothing less then to be buried where their families could visit their graves and mourn them properly.

I went over a few last minute items before walking out to see how things were going. As I came out Captain Morgan was standing there with a disgusted look on his face saying he wanted to talk to whoever was in charge. Kent looked at me and again smiled telling him I was then walking away. Captain Morgan hollered at him saying he wasn't dismissed yet and he would see to it he paid for his insubordination. I walked down the stairs and tapped him on the shoulder and asked just what it was he wanted to see me about. He turned and saw the eagles on my shoulders and started saying I was going to be in major trouble when we got back if we got back that was. I assured him I was making it back, but if he didn't stop arguing with my men and start doing as he was told he might not. He gave me a look of total disbelief, as though to ask how I could expect him to do the things he had been asked to do, after all he was an officer and above menial tasks such as what he had been asked rather rudely to do. I let him know everyone helped or not everyone survived in my camp. He wasn't a prisoner any longer and if he wanted to go home he could either help or walk. If he again tried to give one of my men an order though I would do what he had failed to when he shot me down so long ago, and yes I had no doubt I would face a court martial, but what the heck I figured the worst they would do is kill me and after what I had been through because of what he had done, it sounded pretty good to me. He looked at me with sheer terror in his eyes. Surely I wouldn't do what I just said I would. He looked around and saw Kent standing there with a shovel and went and took it joining the others digging up the men who had been buried. The men Jimmy had sent to see we got back to the airstrip showed up just as we finished digging up the last of the men who had died and been buried there.

All the bodies were loaded in the truck and taken back to the airstrip where they were then loaded on one of the cargo planes to be taken back with us. Everyone else loaded into trucks and buses that were found there at the camp or brought from the airstrip. I asked for a report about what things were like between the two places and found there were several check points all of which were hopefully still unmanned from the time the guys last came through them. I ordered the bodies of the Vietcong be placed inside the buildings and the buildings all be set ablaze with a goodly amount of fuel to insure they would burn to the ground regardless of whether, or not anyone showed up to try putting out the fires. Once the buildings were all burning and everyone on the buses we headed for the airstrip never looking back. This was somewhere I wanted to forget, but knew I never would.

At the airstrip I ordered everyone on the cargo planes making sure to put Captain Morgan on the one with most of the dead, but not the ones who had died for me because I wasn't able to talk about my unit and who all was in it. Those men I reserved for the flight with most of my men and the other prisoners I trusted most. I gave orders that if there were any problems the trouble makers were to be thrown off the plane no matter where we happened to be at the time. I assured everyone that the best pilots were flying all the aircraft and if they stayed calm and didn't cause any trouble they would make it home because Rogue never left anyone behind. Everyone boarded the planes as quickly as they could taking seats where they could. I instructed the men flying the cargo planes that they didn't get involved in a battle unless there weren't any fighters to help, they were to set a course straight home to the nearest friendly base they could find and keep to that course if at all possible and let those of us in the fighters do all the work, I wanted our passengers to get home in one piece if at all possible. I had Jim and Jimmy take the lead to insure the cargo planes got off the ground safely followed by the other fighters waiting until last.

Once everyone was in the air we flew at the highest altitude the cargo planes could go with the cargo they carried. We didn't hit any resistance for about the first forty five minutes when we had a ground command challenge us and we didn't have the right response for them or why we were flying so close to the DMZ. They sent a squadron of fighters after us to see what we were doing and I knew we were in for a fight. I hailed the Lieutenant I asked to fly one of the planes to stick close because it might get a little exciting in a very short time and found him glued to my right wing. The fighters closed on us and tried to hail us saying we needed to turn around before we couldn't because they would shoot us down if the enemy didn't. I laughed and came in behind one of the visitors we didn't want and locked my weapons on him telling him if they interfered he was going to be the first to go down. He called off the rest of the fighters and then tried to break the weapons lock I had on him looping trying to find a way of getting behind me. I told the Lieutenant that if he got away from me he was to shoot him down. He acknowledged and stayed with me never missing a turn. I ordered the pilot to stop resisting and once we were through the DMZ I would allow him to go unchallenged back through to his side, that today I wasn't interested in taking any prisoners I just wanted to get home with the cargo I had. He settled in and flew calmly in front of me and once we were across the DMZ I told him he could go, but if he tried anything I would shoot him down making sure he died before he hit the ground. He headed straight back for the DMZ at full speed and once in the DMZ told me that the next time we met he would be sure to give me the same chance I had just given him.

Shortly after he left us we were hailed by a wing of F-104's asking who was in command. Jim came on saying he was and I over rode him saying we were Rogue and I was Colonel Jensen Rogue commander. I let them know we had a full load of passengers in one cargo plane and the other was men whose remains needed to be sent home to their families. They asked my name and I told them again I was Colonel Jensen. They said something about me having been shot down and thought to be dead if I was really Colonel Jensen I had a code name I used, one only those in my command and I ever used. I smiled because to my command it wasn't a code name but my real name. I called back that I was Colonel Andrea Jensen Rogue commander and very much alive and well. The next thing I heard was that it was good to have me back. That Colonel Michelson would be pleased to know the mission had been a success and everyone was back. They escorted us to a base that hadn't been there the last time I had flown over and Pete Michelson met us on the runway. I climbed out of the fighter and as soon as my feet were on the ground got a bear hug welcoming me home.

The debriefing was something of which stories were told, they wanted to know everything about what I had been through even how it was I got shot down. I told them I made a mistake and got looked at as though I had just said God didn't exist. They said they were going to award everyone I brought back the bronze star and I freaked. No Captain Morgan didn't deserve the bronze star he deserved to be tried as a traitor, because that is just what he was. He had given the enemy everything and they never had to do anything to him, but offer a comfy bed and a full stomach. Once I started they wanted to know everything and I couldn't stop. I didn't want to stop he had tried to get me killed on numerous occasions and now they wanted to give him the bronze star a metal that only those who were hero's should have. I wanted him hanged I wanted him dead for all the men who died because he existed.

When I was done they said I was excused to go to the hospital and be checked. I was dismissed just like that, and they thought I would go without having any idea just what they intended to do with that buffoon. God I wanted to scream, couldn't they see that this man was dangerous, that he had by himself killed more of our men than any of the enemy? I demanded to know what they intended to do about him, I wanted to know he was going to face charges of treason. They told me they were working on getting the whole story so that when and if charges were filed they could make sure he paid the highest price available. I saluted and left knowing if I ever saw him in the same sky I was in again I would more than likely shoot him down and make sure he died so no one else would have to on his account. The only reason I could think of why he tried to get me killed so many times was because I was the one person who knew he had been the one who fired on me. I was the only one who could testify that he had blatantly disobeyed a direct order to disengage and return to base and when I tried to intercept him he fired on me hitting my engine and flight controls leaving me with one option if I wanted to live.

After I was dismissed again Jim told me they were putting him over me and my unit. He said the first thing he wanted was for me to take some time off and go home for a while. He wanted me to go see my wife and let her know I was still alive and none the worse for wear. I thanked him for coming for me. I knew the risk he took writing those orders and taking command of my unit to come after me. I asked why it had taken five years for them to come and found out every time they were ready something happened making them wait. The day I didn't come home everyone of my men were ready to go looking for me, but weren't sure just where to look and they would likely have all been killed if they hadn't waited. The last obstacle had been Kent coming down with some bug no one ever figured out and as soon as he was on his feet again Jim cut the orders and had them ready to go within twenty minutes.

He asked me how it was the prisoners had taken over the camp when they arrived, and I shrugged. Two men had opened the cage I as in and when I got out they were gone. I hadn't seen them well enough to identify them, but I would have sworn they had been Vietcong. I turned to the fence and there in the clearing stood Kent, or I thought it was Kent, smiling at me assuring me that I was going home finally. I told him I had come across the two guards and killed them just seconds before the fence was blown apart. He looked at me and shook his head that he figured it was me who had managed to secure a weapon first. I tried to get the other prisoners to go back inside, but didn't take time to insure they heard me because I was on a private mission to find the man who had taken so much from me, and fulfill the promises I made him the day I arrived. He was curious about my choice of the Lieutenant to fly one of the fighters rather than one of the higher ranking officers who were pilots. I let him know the Lieutenant hadn't been shoot down he had run out of fuel. All the others had been shoot down or done something stupid to lose their planes. The Lieutenant had talked to no one in the time he had been there and had been overlooked as though he was of no importance so many times I knew there was something I liked about him, he didn't try to stand out like the others did. I wanted to talk to him as soon as possible because I wanted him in my unit, I knew I could trust him if things got rough.

As we talked he came out of debriefing and I cornered him asking what he intended once he was free to return to his unit. He smiled and said all he wanted now was to go home to his family he was thinking of resigning his commission and taking the job he had been offered when he graduated the academy. Lieutenant Harris I have another offer for you, but I want you to take that time with your family, just as I want everyone in my unit to do. I'm asking them all to be back in one month ready to go to work doing what we do best. He looked at me and smiled asking if I meant that about him being in my unit. I nodded and called him Captain Harris and said I would see him in about a month, but the first time he ever called me sir I would bust him back to Lieutenant and he would no longer be Rogue. He laughed and said yes ma'am, I sure wouldn't want that ma'am. We all laughed and he went off with a step that was just a bit higher than before and seemed to have a pride that hadn't been there when he first found out I was the commander of Rogue and I was in a prison camp the same as him.

If only I would have known what was going to happen I never would have made him that offer. I had no idea we were going to be setup. Yes I did know it was a setup before walking into it, but none of the men who joined since I got back deserved to be set up like that. None of them had the experience for what we had to do. I was so tired of killing by then, yet I took it to a new low for modern day war. I took a page right out of the Bible and used the reputation of Rogue to the best possible advantage.

Jim was the one who gave me the orders, but I knew he didn't write them and was just passing them on. A camp we'd hit earlier was reported to be back in business and this time to have some high ranking officers as prisoners. Our job was to go in and make sure all those officers made it out in one piece. I set the unit to finding out everything they could and made plans based on the info they could give me the same as always. It was less than three weeks from the time they came for me and here I was asking them to trust me on a mission that was supposed to have gotten us all killed if not landed us in POW camps like the one I had spent five years in, only this time with no one to get us out, since the whole unit would be either dead or in camps. I looked over the information several times a day then spotted what I had been missing the key to me doing the mission. I gave the orders to move out and before the rest of the base even got out of bed we were across the DMZ and headed for our target. As we got closer I had everyone watching the traffic patterns of the planes coming and going. We set up camp about five miles outside the main target and I had everyone switch from the standard M16's, to crossbows. I was sure the enemy would have patrols out trying to find us once they knew we left our base and wanted to be able to take out those patrols without giving ourselves away with all the noise.

As the men made the switch I took the clip out of my gun and started looking at it as we were eventually going to need them if things didn't go as I hoped. As I looked at the rounds I started cussing that we hadn't been more careful before leaving. We had plenty of ammo if we were doing war games with other units not wanting to hurt anyone. I gave the order that everyone check their weapons and found it wasn't just me but the entire unit that had blanks. Here we were behind enemy lines almost in a trap, and we didn't have anything but our crossbows, knives, and wits with which to survive. The men all looked at me all wanting to know the same thing, and I didn't have an answer for them. So many questions and no answers. Whoever it was that set this up made sure they covered all their bases making sure we wouldn't come back this time.

We'd taken out a couple of enemy patrols so far, but would we be able to take out enough to get clear and make it back home? I wasn't sure but I knew my men and I knew they saw death the same as I did. I knew I wasn't going to end up in another POW camp not with my men all being trapped with me so we decided if nothing else we wouldn't surrender we would fight to the death if that was what it came too. We had our crossbows and knives and we were all experienced in hand to hand enough so that we felt we could make them pay a very heavy price before they killed us. Gunny started checking the rounds from the enemy guns and found that the bullets were very close to the same size ours should have been so tried pulling them and putting them in the blanks we had, we had noway of testing them once it was done short of shooting the guns and we didn't want to give ourselves away any sooner than we had to so took the chance they would work adding some of the powder from the enemy rounds to bring our rounds up to what we hoped was enough to make them work without being enough to blow the guns up in our faces.

The reports of the patrols started slowing down quickly enough and I came up with an idea of how we might get home fastest and easiest if it worked. I ordered the men to mount the heads of the enemy patrols on stakes and then encircle the enemy with them. When everyone was in place I ordered taps be blown on the bugle, which was the signal for everyone to raise the heads were they could be seen inside the enemy camp. As the bugle stopped there was a silence that fell over the area. We had surface to air missiles for shooting down planes, but even they were limited so I ordered that they be used sparingly if at all because once they were gone we were back to our wits which I knew were running short rather quickly.

The quiet was broken by the sound of a jet engine firing and building to take off power. I ordered it be stopped if at all possible. And heard one of our surface to air missiles fire and hit the plane. One more plane fired and again a missile was launched destroying what I had hoped to use to get out. A third plane fired over and then shut down almost as quickly and a white flag was raised inside the enemy camp.

"Colonel Jensen, this is General Chou! I wish to talk."

"Then talk General Chou. I'm listening."

"I have heard you take no prisoners, but I do not wish to lose anymore of my men in this fight you have shown that we cannot win even having the advantage of numbers we have. As it will take several days for us to get assistance from the rest of our army. I wish to know what you will do if we surrender."

I couldn't believe what I was hearing this was General Chou the supreme commander of the Vietcong army and he was talking surrender, not for me, but to me.

"General Chou you have heard correct that I don't take prisoners but I am feeling generous today. I don't want to kill anymore of your men then I have, but I don't want to have to walk back home either and you have enough aircraft to insure we won't have to sitting on your flight line. General I want you to know that the worst we have suffered so far is a bruised knee or two in killing your patrols. If you will put down your weapons and allow us the aircraft to go home I give my word the killing will stop now."

"And the men I have here Colonel, what will you do with them since you do not take prisoners?"

"General once we are in the air and headed home I have no concern for them. As far as I care they can go home to their families or return to the fighting elsewhere, it is all the same to me."

There was a long pause and the gates opened. Soon there was the sound of guns being thrown over the fence and General Chou along with a half dozen other officers came out carrying a white flag. I stepped forward and bowed showing respect to the man who had just surrendered a superior force to me on the grounds of a reputation that at that moment I felt was overrated.

"Colonel Jensen, I am General Chou and these are my officers. We agree to your terms provided that we do not have to furnish pilots for you."

"General I have enough pilots, but I don't have anything assuring that once we leave we won't come under fire from your aircraft. Therefore, General I ask that you accompany us to the DMZ in one of the aircraft at which point I will give you leave to return unharmed."

He turned to one of his men and gave an order telling him to see that we made it safely to the DMZ and I interrupted saying I wouldn't accept anyone but him as an escort. He looked at me and bowed.

We entered the camp and started looking over the aircraft making sure it was worthy of flying. While the men got everything ready to go I talked to the General asking why he was so eager to let me go when he had me out numbered ten to one.

"Colonel Jensen I may have you out numbered, but my men don't have the will to fight someone who can kill with so little regard."

"General I bowed in respect to every one of those men I killed, or had killed. I don't kill just to kill. I tried to take prisoners at one time and almost lost some of my men doing so. Now I let your men go if they choose, but if they stay and fight I kill them because I don't have room most of the time to transport them and the men whose lives I am charged with caring for."

He listened and I believe understood that I was doing what I believed was the only thing I could to ensure that I succeeded in what I was doing.

"Colonel I hope when this is over we never meet again in combat I am not sure I would be so quick to surrender again, but with your history and how you did this I did not dare do differently."

Tell me General who it was that set me up. Who was it that set this up. You knew I was coming just not when. You had a force I shouldn't have been able to defeat in place and they took away from me the one thing they felt would give me a chance. They didn't know that we use our guns only when we don't care if our presence is known otherwise we use our crossbows. So I ask General who it was that set me and my men up to either die or be captured."

He gave me a name that turned my blood cold. I couldn't believe that someone that high up could have so little regard for those they were in command of, to set them up the way I had been. Had my men not been the seasoned veterans they were we would have all been lost as it was we turned a sure loss into a victory that was going to have far reaching implications. Once we were back on our side of the DMZ we were met by a squadron of fighters and I let General Chou go as I had promised threatening anyone who tried to follow him saying I would personally shoot them down making sure they weren't able to return.

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  26. ##  Retirement

So many things that made so little sense. Why did I not follow the policies I had set down on the second mission Rogue did on the last two missions before my forced retirement? I hadn't taken any prisoners, but I hadn't laid waste to all the enemy either. I didn't want to kill anymore. What had they done that deserved death? This was after all their country and we were there trying to tell them how they should live. Was it so wrong they had different beliefs then ours? Didn't they have the right to live their lives according to their own beliefs? What changed that I wanted to let live what before was unworthy of life in my view?

When I returned from the five years of hell I refused to be Andy again, what was the point, I went into every battle as Andrea, so why pretend to be someone I wasn't any longer? I loved my Sargent and knew without doubt he loved me though he had never said it. When we were five minutes out of Andrews Air Force Base after our last mission I asked Kent if he loved me and never got an answer. We landed and I met Jim waiting for me on the ground. I took the eagles off my shoulders and handed them to him with a hug and kiss.

"Jim I know why you're here. I wish it didn't have to be this way but... I'll miss you and the rest of the gang. Take care of them for me won't you?"

I walked away not looking back I knew I wasn't wanted any longer I had done the one thing that couldn't be tolerated. I disobeyed a direct order by refusing to withdraw and instead completed the mission. My only question was how many of those I brought back would have made it if I had followed those orders? It didn't matter, I had become an embarrassment to the military so had to either leave willingly, or take a chance in a court martial. I couldn't be Andy again so knew my chances in a court martial were slim at best. I walked to the building asking them to please call me a cab and I would meet it at the front gate so the driver didn't have to go through the hassle of trying to get on base.

At the front gate I changed clothes to some civilian clothes I had and waited for my cab. When it arrived I slid in the back and asked to go to Dulles Airport. I checked for a flight going home or as close as I could get then changed asking for one going to Miami instead. It had been a long time since I had been there and I wanted time alone before facing the embarrassment of telling my family I had been forced to resign the one thing it seemed I was so good at. I wanted them to be proud of me for doing something only I could do and now I couldn't even do that anymore. The man I was sure loved me couldn't even tell me when it mattered and I just needed to have some time for me. As I waited for the plane at the gate I sat next to a man who looked like he needed someone to listen to him.

"A penny for your thoughts."

He didn't look up just kept going over and over the same papers.

"Hi! I'm Andrea, you look like you could use a hand."

He looked up and smiled asking if I knew anything about writing programs for robotics.

"Sorry I don't know anything about robotics, but maybe I can help if you can explain what it is you need."

He tried to explain what it was he needed and said he had been over the thing so many times he didn't even know where to begin.

"Well maybe now that I have a basic idea just what it is you're talking about, I can help find the problem. My name's Andrea Jensen, it's a pleasure to meet you Mr... sorry I didn't catch you name."

"I'm Allen Winters, are you sure you understand what I said about this," he held up the papers he had been going over.

"No, but I can give it a shot if you like. I am pretty good at finding errors and ways around them."

He handed me the papers and I started looking them over trying to picture what they represented. I got about have way through and started laughing.

"I think I found your problem. Why didn't you tell me this was for the mount hangers for wing mounted ICBM's."

He looked at me and asked just who I was that I could know what this part was reading the code he had. I explained that I not only knew what they were but knew how they worked and had used them on numerous occasions.

"Allen I'm Colonel Andrea Jensen USAF, commander of Rogue a special forces unit."

He scratched his head trying to get a grasp of just what I said. Women weren't allowed in combat so what kind of special forces unit could it have been? One for making quilts or some such? He gave me the look of right lady and I am General MacArthur too.

I smiled at him and told him the whole story how I was Andrew Jensen, but felt I was born in the wrong body. I had grown up allowed to be whoever I felt I was even if it meant going against what nature had given me. As far as the military was concerned I was Colonel Andrew Jensen, but all my men knew me as Andrea and addressed me as such even calling me ma'am rather then sir. He asked why I wasn't still in the Air Force if I was so valuable as to run a special forces unit. I explained that the last mission my unit did was against orders. We had been ordered in then before we completed the mission received orders to withdraw. I took full responsibility for that as I was the one who said to hell with orders when we had several men whose lives were at stake still.

They called our plane to start boarding and we found our seats were next to each other so talked all through the flight. When we landed in Miami he said if I needed a job he would put in a good word for me with the company he worked for. He said anyone who could look at the code for the machines and know what the part was could learn to write the code easily enough and he would be more than willing to help me learn as long as it was just business.

"Allen I don't mix business with pleasure and when it comes to what you just suggested I have never been with a man that way. I'm sorry, but I feel a little insulted at the moment." I walked away heading to the ticket counter finding a plane headed home and going and waiting at the gate. Miami just didn't seem very appealing any longer.

When I got home I did nothing for the first week. I didn't care anymore everything I knew was wrong or why wouldn't he tell me he loved me? I loved him with everything in me, I knew he was the one who could complete me as a person. They said he was the one so insistent on coming for me demanding to know when almost every day until the day they left, then he set a hard pace to get to me as though he might not get there before something happened and they had to turn back. He knew the unit policy of once we set out we don't go back until the mission is complete. All this and when I asked if he loves me he can't even say yes or no. I hated everything about my life. I hated that the one man who had always been there when I needed someone wasn't there anymore. I wanted to end it so I didn't feel him any longer, so I didn't feel anything any longer.

I started looking for a job the second week and decided I didn't want to live with mom and dad so talked it over with Ellen and moved to the house I bought her. I didn't know what kind of work I was looking for, I hadn't needed to think about it for twenty years. I thought about the jobs I had back in school and cringed, I didn't want to flip burgers, I didn't care what it paid. Money wasn't really an issue, I had my retirement and disability from my time in the Air Force. But I needed something to occupy my time, and there wasn't any reason not to be paid if possible. I wanted to get away from mom and dad, not far, but far enough it wouldn't be more then just weekends we saw them. I started looking for jobs in a town not far away and found there were better possibilities but still had no idea what I was qualified for in the work force so started discounting the jobs working fast food and started looking at jobs that required some intelligence. One job stood out so I circled it figuring I would see about it first. NC programmer no experience required.

I thought about Allen and what he said about giving me a referral if I needed one with the company he worked for. I thought about the code he showed me and how I recognized the product simply seeing the code. How had I been able to know what it was? I had never seen code like that before yet I didn't see the code as much as I did the part the code made. I circled the ad and looked at a few more deciding I might give this a try since it seemed so natural for me. When I got to the address I went in and saw a big line of people much younger than I was all applying for the same job I was applying for. Did I have a chance? I didn't think so, but I wouldn't get the job if I didn't apply. Going through the application it asked about security clearance. I wasn't sure I wanted to say just what I had as I wasn't sure I wanted to maintain it any longer. Yet I would never be able to talk about some of the things that happened in Nam, but I didn't think I wanted to worry about knowing more secrets than I already did.

I started to put my name as Andrea Lynn Jensen and stopped. I didn't have any identification with that name so scratched it out and put Andrew Lynn Jensen. I finished filling out the application and handed it to the gal at the desk. She looked at it then looked at me and said I needed to fill it out for myself that if my brother hoped to get the job he would need to fill it out for himself. I blushed and said that I didn't have a brother, I was Andrew and I promised that if I got the job I would show up wearing a suit and tie not a dress and heels. She went over the rest of the application and smiled when she got to military service seeing that I had spent the last twenty years in the Air Force and was retired as a Colonel. She asked if I had been in Vietnam and knew anything about someone whose name was similar to mine who was the commander of a unit that rescued prisoners of war over there. I smiled and said I knew the person she meant and didn't say anything else about it.

She continued down and saw I had named Allen as a reference and asked how I knew him. I told her I met him in Washington DC waiting for a plane, we talked on the flight to Miami. There were so many questions and I thought I answered them all fully. Once the questions stopped she said the decision would be made in the next few days and I should hear something in a week or the job was filled and I hadn't made the cut. The next day I got a call asking when I would be able to start, I figured I had a jump on everyone else since I already had the security clearance to work on certain projects that the company had, while it would have taken six months to a year or more to gain that clearance for any of the other applicants. I told them I could start the following Monday and asked what time I needed to be there.

I asked Ellen if she would go shopping with me since I had a fabulous sense of fashion when it came to woman's cloths, but hadn't had to worry about what kind of man's clothes to wear as I wore the same as everyone else for the last twenty years and good old uncle Sam bought them for me. She picked out a couple suits that she said looked very nice and several white shirts and ties. I tried everything on wondering just why any man would want to wear things like this, but looking around saw that most men doing the kind of work I was going to be doing did. We found a couple pair of shoes that I felt went ok with the suits and got them. God did all men have no taste in fashion? The selection of shoes there were to choose from was so small and so plain. I started looking at the women shoes and thinking what I might have to wear with them and bought a half dozen pair of new heels as well.

I reported for work on Monday and was met by Allen.

"Hi! I'm Allen Winters, you must be Andy Jensen."

I smiled and he asked if I had a twin sister as I reminded him of someone he met not long ago.

"The only sister I have is older than I am and looks noting like me," I smiled again.

We talked about what I could expect out of the company and what the company could expect out of me. I told him I didn't have any experience with writing NC programs but was eager to learn. He handed me a program that had a few mistakes and asked me to see what I could do about fixing them. Ten minutes later I handed him the revisions I made and he looked at it and smiled saying I found and corrected all the mistakes he knew of and even some he wasn't aware of that would make the program run faster and more accurately.

"Ok I see how it is you're Andy and Andrea only not at the same time?"

"Allen I hope you aren't going to make a big deal out of this. To answer yes I am Andrea, but I don't think at this point it's a good idea for me to push the issue. To many who don't understand and would rather not even try to understand."

We spent a lot of time talking and getting to know each other since we were going to be working together on many projects the company had coming up. I started getting headaches shortly after starting and knew the cause of them was that someone smoked, and smoked heavily. The company furnished aspirin so I started taking it whenever the headaches got so bad it was hard to concentrate on what I was doing. I knew what pain was I had lived in almost constant pain for five years, but I didn't have to think about anything other than not getting myself killed. I didn't notice that the headaches seemed to come on more regularly after I started taking the aspirin at work, or that it seemed to be the only aspirin that seemed to relieve the pain of the headaches. A few weeks after I started Jeff came by the office I shared with Allen.

"Hello Andy I'm Jeff one of the partners of the company. I hear you're doing a great job and was hoping perhaps we might be able to catch lunch sometime, so we could talk and get better acquainted."

I looked up from the work I was doing and frowned. "So this is the company you kept trying to get me to come to work for?" I started packing my things to leave and he asked what I was doing. "I'm leaving, or can't you tell? Jeff if you think back I told you a long time ago that hell would freeze before I would ever work for you."

He nodded and said he hoped I would reconsider that the job I was doing was a high priority job and I had made more progress with it then anyone else he had working on it. I thought about the job I was doing and what it was.

"Jeff if you have had anyone but Allen or I working on this job I am not only out of here, I'll be sure to let the government know that one of their most secret projects may be in jeopardy. I'm sure they would love to hear you explain why you've had someone without proper clearance working on a job you shouldn't have in the first place."

He looked scared for once and totally unsure of himself. "Andrea I swear no one but the two of you ever work on these projects. Since you came to work here we've been able to take on more of these jobs and they are the bread and butter of the company right now. I need you here Andrea, the security of the company right now is dependent on these jobs. Please I'll beg if that's what it takes to get you to stay."

I gave him my conditions for staying which included him staying out of my office unless he was willing to stop smoking. He agreed that he wouldn't come in my office again, and if there was something he needed he would send his secretary to get it. I started putting my things back where I had them and asked if there was anything else he wanted. He shook his head and left my office thanking me for staying. I stayed not for him, but for the job I was doing. I loved the work and Allen was becoming a great friend. I knew Jeff didn't stay out of my office it smelled like stale cigarettes every morning when I came in, plus there were always little notes on my desk left by him saying how happy he was I was staying and he hoped one day that maybe we could work out whatever it was that made me hate him so much.

I didn't hate him as much as I didn't trust him. Since I started working there I had gone through several bottles of aspirin because of headaches from having the smell of stale cigarettes in the air all the time. I went to the doctors once to see if there was something they could do to make it so I wasn't so sensitive to the smell and they said there wasn't anything that could help other than taking aspirin if the headaches got to bad. There were a few times I ran out of the aspirin I bought and checked with some of the others and found the company didn't mind if we got aspirin out of the first aid kits that seemed to be everywhere throughout the office so I started taking that aspirin figuring since the headaches came as a result of working there the least they could do was furnish the relief as well. A few weeks later I found the headaches were still there, but the smell of cigarettes didn't seem to bother me quite as bad.

We came across a problem with one of the programs I worked on and Allen told them he thought I was in a better position with what we were working on to be able to handle it than he was so they asked me if I would go out-of-town and handle things so the customer was happy. They gave me the flight number and ticket along with where I would be staying. Jeff personally came by to ask if there was anything I might need and thanking me for doing such a wonderful job. He asked me if I ever dressed as Andrea anymore and if I would be willing to do so for this trip if I did. I smiled and thought about how often I was Andrea and how many times I still went out dancing. Ellen loved going dancing and showing me off. She always said more men asked her to dance just so she might introduce me to them. Her smile when we went dancing as two women was worth all the trouble of getting dressed up, besides I loved dancing as much as she did, but only if I was Andrea.

"Jeff what I do on my time is my business, when I'm on company time I am Andrew and I will ask that you remember that in the future. As far as you are concerned Andrea is dead and buried."

When I left for the airport I did so as Andrea. Ellen said she wanted me to have fun while I was gone and she knew if I was Andy I would sit in my room and do nothing but work. She said she wanted me to enjoy myself and go dancing if nothing else. I checked in at the hotel using the name Andrea and called the company I was supposed to be dealing with telling them I was the one who had originated the software they were using so the company I worked for felt I would be the best to fix whatever problem they had, again using Andrea. When I unpacked my bags I found it was just as well I told everyone I was Andrea. Ellen had unpacked them removing all Andy's clothes and replacing them with dresses and skirt suits. I had three pairs of heels and nothing, but what I was wearing that were comfortable enough to wear all day at work and they weren't the kind of shoes I wanted to wear working either.

The first thing I did once settled was find out where the nearest stores were and go looking for shoes. I needed to find something that would hold up yet look nice, as I knew I was going to be on my feet most of the day the next day, and if I wanted to go dancing I didn't want sore feet. I found several pairs of heels that would go with the outfits I had and the ones I found in the room when I checked in. I didn't want to believe Jeff would have clothes for me waiting hoping that just maybe I would be Andrea when I got there, but sure enough there it was the card saying he hoped he had gotten the right size.

I got directions to the shopping center where the stores were I hoped would have what I needed, slipped on the best pair of heels I had with me and headed to the shopping center. I found several pairs of shoes that would go with most of the clothes I had, but nothing that would even come close to going with any of the clothes Jeff thought I should wear. I knew if I didn't wear them at least once he would know and start making it harder for me to not be Andrea by sending me out-of-town more and more. I didn't mind going I just hated that he would be checking up on me. I checked an adult shop and found a couple pairs of boots I thought might work so bought them and then headed back to the motel to get ready to go for dinner.

As I was finishing putting on my make-up someone knocked on the door.

"Just a minute," I hollered at the door and hurriedly finished and went to get the door.

"Ms Jensen?"

I looked at the kid standing there and said I was Ms Jensen.

"You're older than dad thought. He asked me to see if there was anything you needed tonight, and see that you were comfortable."

I looked out in the hall and didn't see anyone. "How old are you son?" I asked.

He said he was twenty-three and then took a couple more years off when I said I wanted to see his license. I figured him for closer to nineteen, but let it slide at twenty-one. I asked if he knew any good places to go dancing and he brightened up saying he knew all the hottest places within fifty miles. There was a bottle of wine in the room again curtsy of my boss and I figured it was likely spiked, but figured I would drink it anyway. I wasn't going to get anywhere if I didn't play the game and the cards I held all looked like losers so I knew I was going to have to draw something soon or this game was going to be the last I ever played. The kid told me how to get to the closest club to the motel, he said I should be able to dance at and then left. I knew I was supposed to have kept him busy for a few hours so his parents could have some alone time, but I just didn't feel up to baby sitting a teenage boy who couldn't keep his hormones in check.

The kid said it was a younger crowd that frequented the place so I looked at the outfit I had on and started going through the clothes I'd hung in the closet. Nothing I had would do for trying to mix with kids and I really did want to dance a little if possible. I looked at a couple of the dresses Jeff furnished and found they were quite a bit shorter than I liked but should fit in with the age of the crowd I was going to be dancing with from what the kid said. I filled a second glass of wine and slipped on the longer of the dresses and downing the wine called a cab. I asked the driver to take me to the club the kid suggested and found out I was definitely going to be in with a bunch of kids going there and asked him if he knew anywhere a little more my age.

When he dropped me off he said if I needed a ride back to ask for him and he would see that I got home safe, and called me Colonel. I handed him a twenty for a ten dollar ride and thanked him telling him to keep the change. The guy at the door asked me for my membership card and I looked at him as though he had lost his mind and said I didn't have one, I was there on business and been told this was the place to come if I wanted to dance, and that was all I wanted. He smiled and said he didn't need to see it he just wanted to get my name. I blushed and told him I was Andrea Jensen. With that he smiled again and asked if I was any relation to a Colonel Andrea Jensen. I winked and told him if he was still there when I came out I'd let him know and he laughed.

"Colonel you're welcome here anytime. There are a lot of folk around here owe you a great debt."

"No one owes me anything. I'm no longer in the Air Force and no longer a Colonel. My name is Andrea and I would appreciate if no one reminded me of Vietnam and everything that went on over there. It's history and I would rather keep it that way."

I looked around and went to the bar and ordered a drink taking it to an empty table and sat there wishing I'd stayed at the bar the kid suggested. All I wanted was to dance and have a little fun but these people were all familiar with who I'd been and didn't want to let me just forget. "Here Jim I know this is what you met me for and I guess it just doesn't matter any longer." I handed him my eagles and walked off the flight line to the main gate. What had I done so wrong? I followed the orders I had been given, was it my fault they changed their minds and decided to leave all those men to rot? I couldn't do it, I couldn't just leave those men. They all knew when they gave me the orders to move out I wouldn't stop until my men were dead or those men in that prison were home with their families again.

I finished that drink and another trying to kill the thought of what happened that day.

"Care to dance ma'am?"

I looked up and saw he wasn't someone who would have known about who I had been, he didn't really even look old enough to be in a night club let alone old enough to have been in Nam. I accepted his invitation to dance and found he was in the military, but hadn't been in Nam. He said he was leaving for Central America in the morning, so was trying to live it up a little tonight, since he wasn't sure if he would make it back again. I looked at him and smiled telling him if he wanted to come home he needed to know he would come home. Only then would he find the strength to do what he had to, to insure he made it home.

"Ma'am I want to come home as bad as anyone, but my unit is going in ahead of everyone. They say the odds of us making it in and out aren't good."

"Son have you ever heard of Colonel Jensen and her Rogue unit?"

"Yes ma'am our commander said our unit went with her on her last mission. Ma'am he said we never lost a man in that mission because of her. Thing is ma'am we aren't her and her unit, and the commander himself said we might not make it if things don't go as planned."

"So you're in the rangers? 31st Ranger unit to be more precise."

"Yes ma'am how did you know that ma'am?"

I told him if he followed his commander he had a good chance of succeeding and coming home again. Major Johnson was a good man and knew battle strategy as well as anyone. I asked him to give Major Johnson my best and tell him Colonel Jensen said he could make a difference if he remembered everything she taught him. Private Adams looked at me as understanding started showing in his eyes. The dance ended and I left the dance floor not looking back. I didn't return to the table I had been sitting at, instead I walked out the door and caught a cab back to the motel I was staying at.

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  27. ##  Lost Memories

I wanted to forget the past, to be able to just wipe it gone as thought it never happened, and start all over again. I never expected what happened though, I never thought I would forget how things had really been, believing they had been another way all together. What would have happened had Fred's brothers and father not tried to force me into what Jeff had worked so hard to accomplish? If I hadn't gone back to being me when I did? If Jim hadn't shown up when he did needing me and my unit for a job no one thought could be done?

Jim knew who I was, my men knew who I was, it was me who had forgotten who I was. I can only imagine what they all thought when I told them that story on the plane going over to rescue those people, yet not one of them said anything. Not one of them asked why I didn't remember how things really were. What would have happened if they had? Would it have cemented what Jeff was trying to do? I don't think so, but it well could have since I may have lost faith in them. As it turned out the real memories did return on their own and the real love of my life did answer the question I asked so long before. He answered it when I didn't understand because of the false memories I had been subjected to, believing them to be true. If he had answered that question when it was asked would I have been subjected to the nightmare that became my life after the one I lived twenty years prior? I don't know. It's easy to say things would have been different if he had, but would they have been? Would I have still taken the job that lead me into the situation where my memories could be altered the way they had been?

I looked back on my time in Vietnam, and yes it was a nightmare but in many ways, it was one of my own making. The nightmare that followed was as well, I knew something was happening to change things, but at the same time it happened so slowly it was imperceptible even to me. I'm sure Jeff noticed the changes, but again he knew what he was looking for I didn't. Even today I have trouble distinguishing the false memories from the true ones, but now I have someone who I know does love and care about me helping to over come the false memories.

It seemed so strange that for so much of my early life I insisted on being Andrea then to just stop over something that really wouldn't have made much difference in the end. There was no logic behind it, yet that's what happened, or so I had come to believe. To think I went in to what happened knowing that there was the chance I may end up as those I had started out to save. How much longer could I have gone. The thing they had been waiting for had happened, I had again become Andrea even though the mind control was still in place. Was that the trick to make us do the one thing everything we knew said not to do? I still don't know. I do know that for many of those they did it to, they prostituted for a while before selling them into slavery. They did everything they could to break their spirit and make them believe what was happening to them was the best they deserved, after all they had no other value than what was placed on them by those who held them.

To think I really did believe Jeff and Adam cared about me. They must have cared a little or why the promotion to such a high place in Jeff's company? Surely they knew I was dangerous in such a situation. Then Jim comes along and starts reminding me of what I had done in Vietnam and how the country needed me and my men again. They didn't dare make me disappear then, or they would have had the whole country looking for me, and any chance of stealing me away was gone. All the work they'd done would be undone by the time they would be able to try again, so the only thing they could do was let me go and hope I didn't catch on to what it was they'd done.

Kent is still fascinated to hear the things that happened since I first ask him that question. "Kent do you love me?" He has told me so many times that he wanted to say yes, but was afraid because of our positions in the Air Force. Me being a Colonel and him a Sargent, he just didn't see how anything could come of telling how he really felt. How many times I've told him how much I wanted to hear him tell me he loved me over the years. How I'd dreamed he would take me in his arms and never let me go for fear that if he did I might disappear. How I wanted so many times to see him knowing if I did I would never again be able to leave him like I did that day on the flight line at Andrews Air Force Base. So many years gone and so little to show for them... that isn't really true there are many things to show just not the things I would like to have.

Little Andrea is growing so fast, it won't be long and she'll be out of school and looking to make a way for herself in the world. The day I first met her seems so long ago, and at the same time just yesterday. "Andrea I want you to meet my son Andrew," Kent said and held out this cute little baby for me to look at. I knew she was like her name sake more than anyone wanted to believe but didn't dare tell Kent. He seemed so happy and telling him just seemed the wrong thing to do. When he told me Andrea insisted she was a girl I smiled and asked what he intended.

"Andrea I told her about you and everything I knew about those like you. I let her know that boy or girl she was accepted and I would do anything to help see she had a great start in life." Kent told me he wasn't really sure about me at first because he knew I was supposed to be a man, yet he had never seen me as anything but a woman. How even when I wore a mans uniform to him I was still Andrea.

So how was it they were able to convince me that I had somehow stopped being Andrea, and started being Andrew again?

Yes I had refused to be Andrea for Jeff, I had done so to insure he didn't hit on me the way he did the other women in the office. I wasn't a toy to be played with, and I didn't want him thinking otherwise. I remembered that night so long ago and how he hit on me, hoping for a dance, and maybe more. I didn't know what it was he wanted fully, I don't think I could have understood the full extent of what he wanted. I doubt he even knew what he wanted back then, but later when he tried again he knew what it was he was doing and if he succeeded what it would mean for me and the other women he had done that to over the years. He knew and he didn't care. How many of those women over the years had he told he loved as he had done with me? Can someone like that ever truly love anyone, it's a sure thing they don't love themselves! If they loved themselves how could they think of doing to anyone what they tried to do to me? I don't believe they can, I think the very nature of love keeps that from being able to happen. I gave into their game as much for self loathing as anything, I hated myself because I loved a man who couldn't love me back.

I didn't understand Kent did love me, he just didn't know how he could tell me in a way other than he had already done. Had he shown me he loved me? Yes in more ways than any words could every begin to express. So why was it so important I hear the words? His actions were there for everyone to see, yet to me I needed the words. I needed the words to confirm what his actions had shown time and again, not because I couldn't understand he loved me, the love I wanted from him was different than the love I received from the rest of our team. Every man in our unit had proven to me they cared, they loved me many times over. The love I saw in Kent was the same love I saw in all the men under my command, and with Kent I wanted more. With Kent I wanted the love only two can share, the love of a lifetime commitment shared between two people when they promise to become one with each other. Those three little words were what I needed in order to know he cared in the way I cared about him.

To finally hear those words after waiting so long. I almost missed them because I hadn't heard them before.

"Jim I hate to do this to you, I know you were counting on me to help get another team or two like mine together... I..."

"Andrea I knew when this was over you were going to resign, and to be honest I don't blame you. I gladly accept your resignation this time, you earned the life you want many times over. I do have to ask one thing though, will you stay on as a civilian adviser to the building of another team or two?"

I smiled and looked over where Kent was standing. "Jim can I give you an answer tomorrow, there's someone I have to talk this offer over with before I can give an answer. If I can't have the time then the answer is no I can't."

Jim looked at me and smiled. "Take your time I don't need an answer for a few days, I was hoping maybe to get it when you got back from your honeymoon," he looked from me over to Kent and back. "That will be enough time won't it? Andrea the offer isn't for you alone I was hoping maybe you could talk Kent into helping as well."

He knew about Kent and I? Was it really that apparent how I felt? How was it he knew? "Jim I... how long have you known how I felt about Kent?"

"Andrea I knew the day you handed me your eagles and walked off. I met you on the flight-line that day not to ask for your resignation, but to let you know what the party that night was really all about, and that you were going to be promoted to General. Kent and I went to the airport looking for you and somehow missed you, though I still don't understand how."

"You may have missed me but I didn't miss you or Kent. I knew both of you would be checking flights that would get me home but I didn't come home directly, instead I decided to take a detour to Miami. Jim I wanted to be alone after I left so I made sure I was, besides I had something else I was doing, and it required that I find a way of getting in so it didn't look like I was planted. You know all it would have taken for me to not have gone through what I did would have been for Kent to say he loved me."

"You mean all that stuff was your own doing? Andrea I..."

I explained I had talked to the justice department just before my last mission, and went over what it was they wanted and how I could help. They made promises that if I did what they were asking they would see I never had to worry that someone might come back and tarnish my record with my cross-dressing. Had Kent only told me he loved me I wouldn't have allowed what happened to happen, but since Jim had met me on the flight line and Kent hadn't been able to tell me I no longer cared about my own safety. What was to care no one else did. I felt no one who mattered to me cared much about anything other than I had been able to do a job no one liked. What the justice department wanted was just another job, only this time I was in it alone, risking my life and no one else's.

"Jim I did what I felt I had to and for reasons I never understood. I knew what I was getting into and didn't care, everyone I loved was safe and I was alone so what difference did it make what happened to me? Jim had you not come for me when you did I may not have been here, I didn't care any longer what happened to me, I just didn't want to be alone anymore."

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  1. ## About Jayne Amanda Maynes

I was born in April 1955 as the heir to my father. My older brother should have been, he had the same initials as dad, but he was mentally retarded and had a heart condition from birth. According to my mother she knew from the time I was growing inside her that I would be a boy and the heir they had hope my brother could have been.

I have known for as long as I can remember that I was different that there was something not right about me. I am a male to female (M2F) transsexual. I am currently on HRT (Hormone Replacement Therapy); I have been in therapy for GID (Gender Identity Disorder) since February 2007. I started on HRT October 1, 2007. I have not set a time yet for completing my transition to becoming the woman I know I am inside. There are so many things involved in transitioning that most people have no clue about. The differences between the sexes are so vast and all of my life I have led a life that just never fit who I am inside. I have learned so much and yet there is still so much that I still don't know about being the woman I always knew I was.

Other books By Jayne Amanda Maynes

The Butterfly Within series:

The Image in the Mirror

The Cracked Mirror: The Butterfly Within

Daughters of Power series:

Daughter of Life

Daughter of Love

A Psalm of Love

The Rose of Magic series:

The Hidden Rose

The White Rose

The Mystic Rose

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