 
Whisperers

By Khaleel Jooste

Copyright Khaleel Jooste 2013

Smashwords Edition License Notes:

This free e-book may be copied, distributed, reposted, reprinted and shared, provided it appears in its entirety without alteration, and the reader is not charged to access it.

Foreword

I seek protection in Allah from Satan the outcast and I start with the name of Allah, the Gracious, the Merciful.

The events in this novel are just a glimpse into my imagination, of which my Lord is also the King.

However, the book tries to fashion the circumstances of the then South-West Africa, now Namibia, and South Africa, just as with former President Nelson Mandela's release from Robben Island. Then of course, the current situation in and around Cape Town, South Africa.

Under no circumstances am I trying to encourage the use of hard liquor or consumption of pork. It is indeed prohibited by my Lord. Nor any violent behaviour as illustrated in this book.

As Allah wills.

_Ayat Al-Kursi_

_Allah - there is no deity except Him, the Ever-Living, the Sustainer of [all] existence. Neither drowsiness overtakes Him nor sleep. To Him belongs whatever is in the heavens and whatever is on the earth. Who is it that can intercede with Him except by His permission? He knows what is [presently] before them and what will be after them, and they encompass not a thing of His knowledge except for what He wills. His Kursi extends over the heavens and the earth, and their preservation tires Him not. And He is the Most High, the Most Great. (Surah Al-Baqarah 2:255)_

For

Mariah Carey Cannon, Britney Spears, Shakira, Oscar Pistorius & Justin Bieber

May the Lord be with you. Salaam, Khaleel

Sherwin

Handsome devil.

Oh, yeah.

Sherwynne, I love you.

Sherwynne, I do.

Uhm.

Uhm uhm.

Bond.

James Bond.

*Wooooof *

Ha-ha!

Refill, for you, my daisy?

No.

Oh, no, man.

What's that?!

Yes.

A pimple.

Uhm.

And always in the neck.

Oh, these darn specks!

Relax, brother.

Nothing can spoil this face.

Look.

Uhm uhm uhm .

You're on fi-ya.

Hold the pictures, please.

Ladies, ladies.

Give a brother some room to breathe.

Please.

Ladies.

Practice a little restraint.

Please.

Yeah, yeah.

Stand back.

Get the entire frame in.

Just like that.

Uhm.

Uhm uhm uhm.

Sherwynne, I love you.

Sherwynne, I do.

Pump those muscles.

Uhm uhm.

Flat chest.

Ridiculous.

Girls love muscles like these babies.

Flex 'em more.

More sessions with the concrete dumb bells and you're a-for-away.

Turn around.

That's it.

On your toes.

Flat.

On your toes.

Flex 'em.

Yes.

Look at those bulls.

Iron!

Oh, yeah!

Listen, my brother.

No worries tonight.

They won't know what hit 'em.

For sure!

Enough.

I must focus.

Simoné.

The Devil will catch you.

Mommy told me so.

Every day.

i

My name is Sherwin.

Sherwin Esterhuizen.

So Bond.

James Bond.

Can you be more boring.

Sherwynne, I love you.

Sherwynne, I do.

How about, once upon a time...

Spare us the clichés.

Please.

Spare us the drama too.

People have enough drama of their own.

They seek an adventure.

With a hero.

They wish for a world, unlike... the mess... around them.

Where they can imagine the things around them do not exist.

But there must be love.

Sherwynne, I love you.

Sherwynne, I do.

Enough.

Hmm.

My name is Sherwin.

Sherwin Esterhuizen.

Like many people, I have a secret.

In order to put into words is difficult.

But I will try.

Let me start at the beginning.

Where my secret began.

When my other life began.

CRYPTIC.

I like it.

Sherwynne, I love you.

Sherwynne, I do.

You sound like a properly scratched record.

And why sing all the words like that.

I am practicing for my debut.

I am going to be a star.

Bright.

They will call me the great.

Compare me to Luciano.

Tenor galore!

You forget.

You cannot sing.

Well, duh!

That is why I am practicing.

Practice makes perfect.

Tra-lala-lal-lal-la-la-la!

We will have a problem if you carry on like that.

I am trying to... listen... and you are strangling a cat.

No man.

Enough.

Hmm.

1991

It was a few months after we first moved to Cape Town.

I was in a school near home.

Thank God for that.

All praise be to God!

Hmm.

The bullies could not torment me very long.

Or should I say, more than they already have.

After school, I habitually went to the train tracks.

There was a bridge near there, where I used to play.

With everything that happened to me, I never lost my sense of adventure.

You can say that again.

I concur!

Oh, Sherwynne, I love you.

Sherwynne, I do.

Will you stop.

What.

I am doing no-ting!

You hear the range of my TING!

As far as I can tell you are still breathing.

You are mean.

I'd rather rest my vocal cords.

They need their rest.

Praise the Lord!

Hmm.

The bridge was a way away from home, just outside the neighbourhood.

Near the bridge, were a lot of pipes lying around.

Cement pipes.

Twenty, maybe more.

So big that I could stand in it hunched.

Some were longer than others.

What exactly they were, I did not know.

But it seemed to be like the tunnels under some roads and sometimes under buildings.

"Today is the day."

I was full of it.

Sherwynne, I love you!

Hands-four feet I was in the shortest.

I wanted to see if I could crawl to the end - and not be scared.

True.

I thought you're... resting... your vocal cords.

Or should they still continue to scorch with the cracklings.

Don't pretend to be so innocent.

You forget.

We've been together for a long time.

Your silent treatments last just a word or two.

Prove me wrong.

Come.

I'm waiting.

My lips are sealed.

One... two... three, four.

See.

You can't stop yourself.

Can you.

Are you... telling... this story.

Enough.

Hmm.

The first one was easy.

The second was a little longer and my heart started beating faster.

In the middle, it was pitch black and you could not see around you.

Only the end was clear and it looked like a circle of light where I looked from the dark.

I was glad when I was out of there.

Along the pipe was one that was just as long, but where it ended, one of the same length started and it made a very long pipe.

It was now my big challenge.

I wanted to show myself - and the bullies - that I could crawl through.

From where I stood at the entrance, the end seemed small.

You could just make out that there was light at the end of just black.

Where the two pipes came together, there was a thin ray of sunlight.

To crawl to the ray was my first goal.

I took a deep breath and entered.

First slowly, then faster.

I wanted to reach the center as soon as possible.

The darkness was worse than when I was only in the single long pipe.

The black was like a heavy weight around me.

Panicked, I quickly crawled further.

"Ouch!"

Something cut me.

However, I kept crawling.

The ray of light was near.

First it was just a thin slice, but as I approached it, it grew.

With my back against the edge, I turned my face so that it was in the sunlight.

Still, it was dark, but the warmth against my face, made me feel better.

Then I heard it.

A voice.

At first it sounded like it came from where I came in, but I was not sure.

I heard it again.

This time it was harder and almost right next to me.

My heart started pounding.

I heard footsteps in the gravel.  
It sounded like it was moving away from me, closer to the pipe's end.  
There was a man.  
No, two.  
I could only see them from the waist down.  
They were busy arguing.  
The darkness around me suddenly didn't matter.

All that was important was not to be seen.

I moved away from the sunlight, in the direction from where I came in.

In the middle of the pipe, I rested against the edge, my eyes still on the far point.

The men's voices, I could still hear, but I could not hear what they were saying.

The man on my right hand went on his haunches and looked straight at me.

It felt as if he looked into my eyes.  
Then he looked up and said something to the other man, who still just stood there.  
He did not see me.  
The other man then hunched too.  
"Where are we going to hide it?" asked the one to the right.  
The sound was so clear; it was almost like he was sitting next to me.  
His face was hard.  
There was a deep cut over his left eye to the top of his cheek.  
Scarface.

"Don't know," the other replied.

I could not see his face clearly.  
He had a tattoo on his right arm.  
The numbers 28.  
"We can't take it home. It's too dangerous," said Scarface.  
"Well, what do you suggest?"  
"We leave it here and come fetch it later. When it's dark. The cops are blind at night."  
"Never!" shouted 28. "I don't trust you."  
He arose and went where I could no longer see him.  
Scarface watched him.

Shook his head and looked at me.  
Again, it felt as if he was watching me.  
I was scared.

If the bullies could see me now.  
"There is no other way," pleaded Scarface.

"We risk everything if we take it home."  
"Don't talk sh!t with me!"

Again he hunched next to Scarface.  
"You want it all for yourself. Over my dead body!"  
Scarface shook his head and began to laugh again.  
"Why are you so nervous cousin? Did I ever give you reason not to trust me?"  
His voice was softer, but still harsh.  
"No, you haven't. But..."  
"No buts!"  
He took something from his back pocket.  
I could not see what it was.  
It was black.  
"Trust me." He gave the black thing to 28.  
28 just looked at him for a while.

Then he took it from him.  
It was a black leather pouch with strings.  
He started throwing the pouch from hand to hand.

He then looked intently into Scarface's eyes and said, "I want no surprises. If we leave it here, then we leave together and stay together till we come back. Do you understand me?"  
"What? Are we Siamese twins now?"  
Scarface laughed again.  
"I don't want you out of my sight!!"  
"Okay, okay. Relax. We can hold hands and weave each other's hair. How does that sound?"  
I wanted to laugh.  
"Keep your f@cking mouth shut! You're looking for a beating!"

He tried to grab Scarface around the neck, but just got hold of his shirt.  
"Relax, brother." He tried to push 28's hand away. "You know I'm just kidding."  
"Save your lame @ss jokes for the missis," as he pushed Scarface with his hand.  
Scarface lost his balance slightly, but was soon right.  
Again, he looked intently in my direction.  
"We leave it in the tunnel. Nobody will know there's something in here."  
You're right, I thought to myself.

Not even you.  
"Okay. But we throw it into the darkness. We can get it later with a torch."  
"Right. Give it to me."  
Reluctantly 28 handed the pouch to him.

Scarface pulled the strings tighter and threw the bag in my direction.  
When he was satisfied, he stood up and said, "Come, girl, let me get that weave going." Without even waiting for an answer, he started walking.  
"Bloody @rsehole," said 28, still on his haunches.  
He looked intently in my direction.  
Again, the fear had me.  
Do not see me.  
He did not.  
With one swift movement, he said "Wait," and left.  
I just sat there quietly for a while.

I waited till I could no longer hear them.

Then it hit me again.

The darkness.

I had to get out.

I moved back to where I came in.  
Then I stopped.  
What was it that the Siamese twins hid in the pipe?  
The curious one in me was bigger than my fear of the dark - and the twins.  
I turned around and went further in.

Soon I was at the ray of light and soon past it.

The pouch could not be too far.

I felt slowly with my hands while moving forward.

I could see nothing, but I was almost in the middle of the second pipe.  
I felt it.  
Only the strings at first.

Then.  
Jackpot!

Quickly I was out of the pipe.

I breathed deeply.

There is nothing better than fresh air after being confined in a small space.  
However, I soon ran.  
I had to get away.  
If the twins saw me, I would be minced meat.  
I put the leather pouch in my school bag.  
Quickly I was at home.

***

"Where have you been all this time?"

That was my mother.

"And what happened to you? What blood is that?"  
Blood?  
I looked at my hands and legs.  
Oh yes.  
In the pipe.  
My left knee.

Dried blood was all along my left shin.

"It's nothing." I tried to pass her.

"After school I was at the park and fell off the swing."  
"I've told you many times before not to swing so high. Let me see."  
"I'm okay. It's not painful."  
She grabbed me by my arm and elevated my leg.  
"It does not look too bad. I will have to put antiseptic ointment on. Go wash it off."  
She left me.

***

Mom gently nursed my leg.  
The ointment burned my cut, but I said nothing.  
Boys don't cry.  
I focused on something else.

The black leather pouch.  
What was in it?  
Why did 28 not want to leave it with Scarface?  
Worse, what would they do to me if they knew I took it?  
"Were you with your friends?"  
The question took me by surprise.  
"Mommy?"  
"At the park. Were you with your friends?"  
"Yes," I said unsure.  
The second lie I told that day.  
"I'm glad," she smiled, "I told you you'll make new friends soon."  
Yes, Mommy did say that.  
Just a pity it was not so.  
I still had no one that I would call a friend.  
I wondered if I ever would.

ii

2009  
The house was still the same.  
Full.

Moldy smell.  
We did not have a television anymore.  
The stove was still the old black Defy my mother bought at an auction years ago.  
It was a lot rustier, but it still did its job.  
The carpet in the kitchen and living room were replaced with the worst looking tiles, dirty-white.  
It reminded me of a hospital.  
Aunty Anne now stayed in a Wendy house in the backyard.  
This meant I now had my own room.  
I have not had a chance to unpack all my stuff yet.  
With the many boxes, the room looked full.  
Besides the boxes, there was a single bed with a worn mattress, a small nightstand, and on top of it was my old box radio that my mom bought me when I was still in primary school.  
It was one of those radios that you yourself had to put together.  
You got a cardboard box and electronic components.  
On the box were pictures where the components had to be.  
The radio worked like a charm.  
The room only had one small window, just above the nightstand.  
I opened it.  
Where many geraniums and mint used to grew, only dead branches and weeds remained.  
I used to garden and take care of the yard.

You could see I was gone for a long time.  
I moved the boxes under my bed and left the room.  
One big change was that we now had running hot water.  
It made all the difference in the world.  
The days of putting a pot on the stove were gone.  
"Going for a bath?" My mother asked.  
She was in the living room reading "The Sun".  
"Yes," I replied and went to stand beside her.  
My mother looked like a woman of 70 and she was only 49.  
She had me when she was twenty.  
I was an only child.  
It was not the wrinkles that made her look old.  
It was the blow to her right eye.  
It made her whole face look different.  
The eye sort of hung.  
Around the edge of the brown, there was this grey color.  
I could not make myself to look at it for too long.  
It gave me the chills.  
Her hair was still mostly brown, but you could see it was only the dye that hid the grey.  
After dad past away, she only wore her hair short.  
Bob.  
Nothing special, but it suited her round face.  
It was always very long and all along her back.  
"What's in the paper?"  
"Oh, just the same," she said with a sigh, "more murder and death. Another baby was raped in the Flats."  
"Is the baby still alive?"  
"Yes, but they say there is a chance that she will not make it. Shame."  
She put down the newspaper.  
"Where are you going?"  
"Cape Town. Thurston said I should meet him there."  
"What is he up to lately? Last time I saw him, he was still at Buy-rite."  
"No, he's no longer there. He now works for another company. I'm not sure what he does there though. "  
"Tell him to come and visit."  
"I will."  
"Go and take your bath. Anne will be here soon. You know once she starts asking questions, she never stops."

***

I was out of the house before Aunty Anne arrived back from work.  
Very reluctantly, I made my way out of the gate.  
I did not want people to see me.  
Relax, I urged myself on, the people will barely remember you...  
"My goodness! Look at you!"  
This shrill voice was familiar to me.  
Aunty Baby from next door.  
What was the hippo still doing here?  
Last I heard, she got herself a white boyfriend from abroad.  
Apparently treated her like royalty.  
She talked of moving to Germany, or was it Switzerland?  
I could not recall.  
I remember that I was glad that she was leaving.  
She only used my mother.  
Abused her kind and caring nature.

"Boy, you're tall. And do you shave?"  
"Hello Aunt ..."  
"Listen to the deep voice," she interrupted me.  
"You sound like a real grown man. How old are you now?"  
"Twenty E..."  
"Just as skinny as you were as a child. You look much more attractive. You do not have that flat nose anymore. You look exactly like a white man's boy."  
"My father was ..."  
"A good man. I know. He took good care of your mother. I met him just before he left with your mother for South West. That was before you were born. And just look at you now."  
She appeared to be in her own world.  
She was not as fat as she used to be.  
Her hair was still black, and as always tied at the back.  
"Well handsome, I have a lot of laundry still to be washed."  
And without a word from me, she went back into her house.

***

I walked quickly.  
Almost jogged.  
Hurry.  
If they see you.  
I was barely past the second house from ours.  
It felt like an eternity.  
I did not want to bump into them.  
Do not worry, man.

It was a long time ago.  
Nobody will remember.  
"Relax Sherwin," I told myself.  
"Take a deep breath."  
"Chin up. Hold your head high."  
Run.

***

For a Saturday the station was pretty quiet.

I remember there was a time that you could hardly find a spot on the platform.

Everyone was always in haste and bumped into each other.

Then there were the guys with blades.

Robbed you right there.

With everyone watching.

I was still cautious.

Things change, but not everything.

I was amazed at all the black people at the station.

As I recall, I never saw any black people in Cape Town before.

I mean before Nelson Mandela was released from Robben Island.

And even then, I was already back in Namibia.

Not in school and certainly not in public.

Things have definitely changed in South Africa.

Do not be casual.

Look around.

They might be about.

It was quarter past eight.

The train to Cape Town was at twenty past.

Platform four.

I hope I read the schedule correctly.

A few guys entered the station through a hole in the fence.

On the train tracks, on the platform, just a little away from me.

This was the kind you had to be careful for.

Some things never change.

I was hoping they would avoid the first class.

The train arrived promptly at twenty past eight.

The rush of people in and out of the train before the conductor blew the whistle, always fascinated me.

Someone always jumped in late and someone had to force the doors open.

The car was pretty full, but there were seats open.

I preferred to stand.

At the door.

Sitting close to strangers was not my thing.

It made me feel uncomfortable.

They know.

Directly left of me was an elderly woman with a toddler girl - probably grandmother and grandchild.

The woman had her hands full, because the child would not sit still.

Always wanted off the woman's lap and as the woman stopped her, she turned and slapped the woman.

Not hard, but still in the face.

Beside them was a young couple, maybe my age.

Both with dark glasses and it seemed like they were just staring into space.

The girl was very attractive.

Long, dark brown hair, sun burned skin and light pink lips.

I was not sure if it was lipstick or just her natural colour.

She would have looked nicer if she was not such a sourpuss.

The guy probably upset her - and that early on a Saturday morning.

Along the two was an open space and next to it, in the corner, a middle-aged man sat reading the newspaper.

The newspaper was certainly very interesting, because he never looked up.

His forehead was permanently pleated.

The opposite seats were all full.

A lean man with thick glasses and a cane was in the corner.

Beside him were three, um, big women - probably my mother's age.

They were beautifully dressed and their hair looked like they just came from a visit to the hairdresser.

You could smell them too.

The perfume was overwhelming, but fun.

Like a cool breeze on a hot summer's day.

The three were chatting away – something about "blond ambition" and it was linked to Zille.

What this Zille woman did, I knew not, but the women were not very impressed with her.

They mentioned a Patricia De Lille too and according to the woman in the center - the largest of the three \- they had to vote for this Patricia.

Everyone agreed.

Then it occurred to me.

The women were probably discussing the candidates for president of the church council.

They were probably on their way to church.

I would never think that there were Coloured people who were Seventh Day Adventists.

A hawker went from one corner of the car to the other and in a high voice shouted "Peanuts and chips!"

The peanuts sounded more like pee-ruts.

Train travel was always fun for me.

The sound of the train on the tracks.

The electrical wires.

Gwing-swing.

Unlike with a taxi or a bus, you would never get stuck in traffic.

You could always rely on the train to get you in time to where you wanted to be.

When I attended school here in Cape Town, I could name all the stations from our home to Cape Town station.

Now no more.

I remember Mowbray immediately after us, then Woodstock?

I was not sure.

Each station had its own characters.

At Mowbray station one of the train surfers leaped on.

One of the dare devils that hung out the train and ran on the platform.

I've heard how a couple lost their lives doing that.

The thrill I could understand.

Must sure be nice to feel like you are flying.

But gambling like that with your life, I could not fathom.

Maybe that was the real thrill.

Then I saw her.

At Woodstock station.

Our car stopped a little away from her.

She got into the one next to ours.

A warm glow suddenly came over me.

My hands started sweating.

My heart beat faster.

Will she still recognize me?

Darn!

Why did I get on this train?

Do not say I did not warn you.

You should never have returned.

The drive from Woodstock Station to Cape Town station flew by like nothing.

My head a pain of whether I should play it cool and just walk, because she would not recognize me, or should I run when the doors open as soon as possible to disappear?

The answer was unclear.

All I knew was that she at this moment was with me in one train.

Could she sense me?

No, man.

We never had that connection.

Not like with her.

We were barely friends.

Besides, she was with André.

No, I had nothing to worry about.

Relax.

The train arrived at Cape Town station.

I approached the door more.

Because I remember that it could get crowded on the station.

And because I just wanted to run.

The doors opened and I was on the platform in the direction of the entrance.

Oh no!

Today of all days they're checking if you have a valid ticket.

A line formed and I was so tenth from the front.

I looked back but could not see her.

Just hurry up, please.

The guys took their time.

Chatted more with each other and tried to impress the women with Achmet and Flooze jokes.

I looked back and honest to God - there she stood.

Just a few people away from me.

Quickly I looked back.

She did not see me.

Or so I thought.

I was almost at the ticket inspector.

Only one more woman and finally me.

"Why so nervous?" Said a soft male voice and I saw it was the ticket inspector who was talking to me.

"I don't bite. Or have you done something that you shouldn't have?"

He looked at me over his glasses.

I could not believe the man's audacity.

Here I am trying to get away and he asks me unnecessary questions.

Just clip the bloody ticket and let me go, I wanted to scream.

But I said nothing.

Just smiled.

Stupid.

You should have given him a piece of your mind.

"Don't worry. Shame. Your entire forehead is wet. And it's quite cold today. Here," hands me a tissue "this is to wipe your forehead with."

"Thank you," I said and put my hand out to my ticket.

He gave me one last look up and down, clipped the ticket and handed it back to me.

I was quickly through the bars and in Cape Town Station.

I wanted to run.

But...

"Sherwin!"

It was her.

That voice I could recognise anywhere.

Soft.

Velvety.

Slowly I turned.

She jogged towards me.

When she was a meter away from me, she stood and watched me.

Her eyes were full of tears, but she did not cry.

Then she just leaped forward and embraced me.

Nearly threw me off balance as she threw her arms around me.

She held me tightly for a while.

She smelled good and her hair was soft against my cheek and neck.

Then she left me and stood back.

"I cannot believe it! Sherwin. It is you."

Her eyes were still full of tears.

Even then she looked beautiful.

She always reminded me of Catherine Zeta.

Only she was not a picture, but real.

"Hi, Simoné," I greeted uncertain.

"When did you... Wow! My cheek is wet. You sure are sweating," she said as she wiped her cheek.

"Are you hot? It's so cold. Is there something wrong with you? "

"No, I..."

"Boy! You have no idea just how much I have missed you? You left without a word. No good bye."

"I ... I'm sorry," I said again, unsure.

What should I say?

That was years ago and I did not know whether I should tell her why I just up and left.

"I always hoped and prayed ... that I will see you again."

The tears trickled down her cheeks slowly.

"Please, do... do not cry," the lump in my throat was great.

"Oh, I'm just being silly. I'm just glad to see you. When did you come?"

"Yesterday... yesterday afternoon. I hitched a ride down."

The words came hard.

It made me sad to see her like this.

I could see there was more than what she was saying.

I gave her the tissue that I still had in my hand.

"Thank you. For how long..."

She blew her nose.

"How long are you still going to be in town for?"

Lie.

Say you are just here for the weekend.

To visit your mother.

She cannot find out.

Never.

"I'm not sure," I answered almost honest, "Still have to see."

"Well, if you are going to be here a while, then you should come visit me." She sounded almost desperate.

I did not want to disappoint her, but I really couldn't...

You cannot.

"I will see. Will call you." I lied.

I would not call her.

It would only make things worse for me.

"Um. Okay, I must go."

I started to walk.

"Wait," she grabbed my arm.

"You do not have my number. How will you call me?"

She took out a pen and paper from her purse and wrote the number down.

Women carry everything in their bags.

"Here," call me anytime. During the day I am at work, but only until three in the afternoon."

"I will do that," I lied again.

"Promise? Please?" She said imploringly.

I just watched her at first.

I was not sure what to say.

She stopped crying, but still sniffled.

Her hair kept falling in her face and she had to brush it clear all the time.

Her brown eyes looked deep into mine.

I wanted to look away, but for some reason I could not.

There was something.

I was not sure what.

"I promise."

MORON!

Promises make debt, you know.

Yes.

I know.

iii

When I got over the shock of running into Simoné, I went to the bus station.

Thurston was meeting me there.

I was excited to see him.

We saw each other years last, but we always stayed in touch.

We went to primary school together.

This was in Windhoek, Namibia.

The years passed quickly.

We were both big men now - or did I just think so - that had to earn our own keep.

Until a few months ago, I still coped and now I'm back at my mom's house.

Life.

Thurston had his own place and lived with his girlfriend.

I still had to meet her.

The bus station was very busy when I arrived.

Busses pulling in and busses departing.

People in a hurry and hawkers trying to sell you a lollipop.

Fog came in and you could no longer see Table Mountain.

I forgot how the weather could change just like that.

I found Thurston immediately.

He was under the canopies smoking a cigarette.

"I see you are still sucking on those cancer sticks," I said jokingly as I greeted him.

"It was those losers at Buy-rite that drove me to them," he said with a laugh.

"But I thought you quit there." I mocked.

"Yes, yes. Old habits die hard."

"Awesome to see you again, man."

"You too. You never mentioned you were so tall."

He stood beside me to see how much taller than him I was.

"Sorry, bro. You will have to eat more Jungle oats," I laughed.

"Don't care. The girls love me for who I am."

We both laughed.

iv

1991

"Sherwin! See who is at the gate."

My mom gave me a fright.

I was just getting the black leather pouch from my school bag.

Whatever was in there would have to wait.

I quickly put it back in my bag and that back under my bed.

My mother was in the bathroom.

Aunty Anne had not returned from work yet.

"I'll see, Mommy."

"Thank you. Maybe it's Aunty Baby with the roti."

It was dark outside.

I did not realize the sun had set.

After my mother doctored my leg, I waited for an opportunity to be alone.

There was not much of that.

I had to go take a bath and then eat.

My mom made soup that day.

Thick pea soup with dumplings.

It was one of my favourites.

My mother was really a top chef.

When she went to the bathroom, I waited a while to make sure she was in the bath.

She had two pots of water on the stove, so I would have about ten minutes to see what was in the pouch.

But that would have to wait.

There was a man at the gate.

He struggled to open it.

"Good evening, Uncle. Can I help you?"

I just wanted to stop him from fidgeting with the gate for who was he and what does he want this time of night?

"I am here for Debbie," he said.

His voice was rough and hoarse.

What would the guy want with my mom?

"She's taking a bath. Who shall I say is here?"

"I'm Jerry. It's not necessary to call her."

He fidgeted with the gate again.

"I will wait for her inside."

I was not sure what to say or think.

You first had to lift the gate, before the bracket would come loose.

I closed it behind him and he followed me into the house.

"I'm sorry, Uncle, but we do not smoke in the house. My aunt has asthma and smoking can harm her chest."

You don't go around smoking in strangers' homes.

What was the man thinking?

I did not like him one bit.

He looked like a gangster.

Sure he smoked mandrax as well.

Broken bottle head pipe.

His lips were blue.

I could see he was not too happy when I told him he must smoke outside.

"Mommy! Here is a man looking for Mommy. He says his name is Jerry."

I stood in the kitchen and watched him.

"My world!"

My mom sounded surprised.

Excited too.

"I'll be right there!"

I wondered what was going on.

Jerry finished smoking and entered the lounge.

He looked around.

Scratched about was more like it!

He was especially interested in my mother's silverware and ornaments.

When he saw me watching him, he left it alone and sat down on the couch.

"Lovely place you have here. Nice and cosy."

He made himself comfortable; too comfortable for my taste.

Legs stretched out.

My mother then came in.

She was at least dressed and not in her gown as usual.

"Oh, boy! Jerry!"

My mother walked past me into the lounge.

"What a pleasant surprise this is."

Jerry stood up and I could see he wanted to move forward to kiss my mother, but he looked up to me and they both turned.

"Jerry, this is my son, Sherwin."

My mother looked a little unsure of what to expect.

She looked down and gave her hair a slight touch up with her right hand.

"Nice to meet you," Jerry said, his hand extended out to me.

I walked to him and shook it.

He had a firm grip.

"Jerry is a friend of mine."

Her eyes avoided mine.

I could see that she was hiding something from me.

This Jerry was definitely more than just a friend.

I left his hand and stood back.

"Can I get you some coffee, black? Or some pea soup, if you would prefer?"

My mother looked nervous, but I had a feeling it was because I was there.

"Can't I get coffee and some soup?"

I watched him.

"Sure," my mother smiled.

"Sherwin, put water on the stove and put the soup on high heat so it can warm up. It is probably cold already."

My mother sat next to Jerry and they started chatting.

She reminded me of Mrs October from school.

Mrs October always had this stupid expression on her face every time Mr Isaacs came into the classroom.

She also grinned strangely.

I did not like what I was seeing.

My mom saw me watching them.

"Sherwin, make the coffee. Jerry, sugar?"

"I take six, please. I have always had a sweet tooth."

He was full of smiles.

If I had such rotten teeth, I would not smile like that.

"You heard, Sherwin? And if you're done with that, go do your homework."

"But Mommy, I have no homework."

"Then off to bed. Tomorrow's school again."

"Mommy, it's barely past seven."

"Since when do you back chat? Where are your manners? I said to bed."

I made the coffee and went to my room.

Jerry gave me a look before I left.

It looked like he was mocking me.

My mother and this gangster had me completely uneasy.

How did she know him?

How long have they known each other?

As she sat with him and talked, it seemed they both knew each other well.

Though I tried, I could not think of anything else.

I tried eve's dropping, but could not make out what they were saying.

I heard my mother laugh though.

That loud, outrageous laugh she had.

I was always certain the neighbours could hear her and thought what a crazy woman.

But then I remembered.

My mom hadn't laughed like that in a long time.

Very long time.

When my father was alive.

Actually when he was still healthy.

Funny how some things could immediately take you back to something in your past.

I could see my father again on his deathbed.

That was last year.

He was so helpless.

His skin was so green and purplish.

But ashen.

It was horrible.

Even then his family did not visit.

Boers.

They disinherited him when he married the "hybrid filth".

I could not believe these people.

How could you turn away your own flesh and blood, simply because he did not marry a Boer girl?

My mother struggled alone with my dad.

Day and night she sat with him.

To get him to hospital was always a struggle.

My mother could not drive, so she always called a taxi to come and they never had any patience.

It was because my father was a white man.

A Boer.

I heard them gossip about my mom and dad, but my mother paid no attention to their remarks.

She loved my father.

He took care of my mother.

Absolutely worshipped the ground beneath her feet.

He always made her laugh.

The memories made me sad.

The lump in my throat was there again just like then.

I turned on the radio and tried to forget about Mommy and Jerry.

There was nothing interesting on the radio.

I turned it off and lay in silence on my bed.

My cut didn't hurt too much anymore.

My cut!

The black leather pouch!

I got my school bag from beneath the bed.

The leather pouch right at the top.

I could not tell what was inside.

The leather was thick.

Slowly I pulled the strings.

I was excited.

Like someone who had just received a gift.

I tried to guess what it would be, but what I came up with, just did not fit.

28 seemed that he would commit murder.

Scarface again looked afraid.

The jokes.

His face.

Hard, but uncertain.

Slowly I opened the pouch and stuck my hand in.

I could not see so well in the dark.

Could not turn on the light either, otherwise my mother would know I wasn't sleeping.

Inside the pouch there was another, stitched along the sides.

With yarn.

Now I was curious.

I bit the yarn loose.

Then the light went on.

I got such a fright.

I put the pouch back into the other, and let it fall off the bed, along the wall.

It was Aunty Anne.

She saw nothing.

"Are you sleeping yet?"

She sat on her bed and began to take off her shoes.

"Wow, I am exhausted. Today was the pits."

"Mommy told me to come to bed. She wanted to be alone with him."

Aunty Anne watched me and grinned.

"Oh, Sherwin. Why do you sound so angry? Is it because you need to sleep early or because your mother is entertaining a man?"

I could see she wanted an answer from me.

"No. Yes."

I shook my head and sat up straight on my bed.

I was not sure what I wanted to say, but one thing was sure.

I did not like the man one bit.

"I don't like him. He looks like a gangster."

Aunty Anne shook her head like she agreed with me.

"Your mother always knew how to choose them. She always liked a bad boy. Your father was the only exception."

"But what do you mean, Aunty? Are Mommy and Jerry together?"

Now I was even angrier.

Is my mom sucking face with that gangster I wanted to ask.

"Sherwin, calm down. All I know is that the two of them have been together now for over two months. Whether they're an item, I'm not sure, but by the look of things, "she rolled her eyes in the direction of the door," they look serious."

I threw myself back onto the bed.

The anger boiled from deep within me and I could feel it bubble right into my fists.

A bully had to look for trouble with me now.

Would smash him right into the ground.

I could not believe it.

My father was barely in the ground and here my mom is with someone else.

I said nothing further to Aunty Anne.

She asked me more questions, but when I turned my back to her, she stopped.

She disappeared to the bathroom for a while and was soon back in the room.

Light off and in bed.

"My sister deserves to be happy again."

I said nothing.

Aunty Anne prayed and after about five minutes she started snoring.

I could not sleep.

I still heard my mother and Jerry talking.

My mom deserves to be happy again.

That I agreed with.

But why should she be with this gangster?

Could she not find someone better?

***

I was awake before Aunty Anne.

Didn't sleep much.

Jerry stayed till late.

I thought he would stay the night.

Really gets me angry just thinking of him again.

My mother must have her head examined.

I went to the bathroom outside.

It was still pretty dark.

Tarzan sounds came from the mosque's direction.

Anubis slipped past me into the house.

He was my dog.

Dad got him for me when I was five years old.

Wolf dog.

Black as the night.

We were always together.

If I could, I would have taken him along to school as well.

I bet the bullies would not dare look in my direction.

Never mind touch me.

"Anubis! Come, Boy. Come out of the house, "I called softly.

My mom was okay with the dog, but Aunty Anne...

Wow!

Over react!

One would swear the dog had rabies, as she carried on when he was near her.

"Sherwin!"

Oh, dear.

There she goes.

"Sherwin! Take the bloody dog out of the room."

She was angry.

"The thing has a rat in its mouth! Sherwin!"

Anyone in the neighbourhood, who still wanted to sleep, could forget it.

A Rat?

Since when do we have rats?

Aunty Anne was once again seeing things that were not there.

She is more crazy then my mom, if you asked me.

"Anubis! Come out of the room!"

Anubis left the room and passed me into the backyard.

Seems Aunty Anne was not imagining things.

I could clearly see the rat's tail in Anubis' mouth.

Poor thing was probably already dead.

Wonder where it came from.

We'll have to get rat poison.

"Anubis? Come, Boy, let me see."

He was burying it.

Just as well.

Would not want the dog to eat rats.

He covered the hole nicely and stood beside me.

Tail waving like it had a mind of its own.

"Morning, Boy. Morning!"

He pushed me to the ground and started licking my face.

"Hold... hold on," I said laughing.

It was slimy and ticklish.

Probably the rat's blood too.

"Arggg. No man," I tried to stop him, while still laughing.

"Anubis."

This time he got off me and sat beside me.

Tail still wagging.

Even in the dark, his pelt had a blue sheen.

Not a single white hair on his body.

Of all the dogs I've had over the years, my favourite was Anubis.

There was just something different about the dog.

He was ... intelligent.

It was as if he could sense my mood.

He knew when to play with me.

Or just lay beside me.

He was my dog.

I was his friend.

"Sorry I did not play with you yesterday, Boy."

He looked at me intently.

As if he understood everything I was telling him.

"I found something. Stole it. From two gangsters."

He stopped wagging his tail and put his head to the side as if to ask "Why?"

"I don't know, Anubis. Curiosity... I don't know. The devil was busy with me again, if you ask me."

Anubis continued to look at me intently.

Head hanging sideways.

"I don't even know what I stole. I just know it must be something valuable, by the way they were arguing about it. I'll have to wait until after school to see what it is.

Aunty Anne may not know.

Mommy neither.

You should not tell them anything.

Do you hear, Boy?"

Immediately he pushed me to the ground again and started licking me in my face.

v

1990

Today is my third month at this damn school.

Every day just like my first.

A nightmare.

The bullies were all too familiar to me.

Fat One and Banana Face were two cowards.

They took advantage of their size to pick on small guys like myself.

Fat One was of course fat.

Fat!

As he walked, it literally looked like he was rolling.

Him, I could easily outrun without trying.

Banana Face was big.

Or should I say he was much older.

He was fourteen.

Failed four times already.

This was his second year in Standard Two.

Stupid.

He repeated Sub B twice.

Standard One once.

This I heard as his own friends bad mouthed him.

How stupid can you be to call them friends?

A bully's brain does not function well.

The worst of the bullies was of course the one with only two top teeth.

Georgie.

He was... dangerous.

Cruel.

One wouldn't say that by just looking at him.

The flat mouth always smiled – two top teeth and all.

He was almost like a clown, minus the white face and red nose.

He was always laughing and joking.

He was actually very funny.

Witty.

But he could go from smiling to cruel... (finger snap!)... Just like that!

He was volatile.

You could see his friends were afraid of him too.

He didn't mind to kick your butt with the teachers watching.

He even called Mrs October a C once.

Right in her face.

She did nothing.

Only Mr Love didn't take any crap from him.

Mr Love didn't believe boys should be hit on their hands.

No.

He believed you should bend down and take your punishment like the man you think you are.

"If you want to be a man, take it like a man" was his motto.

I enjoyed it when he beat Georgie.

Georgie obviously took his punishments like a man.

Not a 'boo' or a 'baa' as the blows connected with his butt.

Only change in his face was the flat mouth that was firmly shut.

No sign of the two top teeth.

If you were responsible for the blows he received, then you'd better run home as soon as school ends.

Unless you enjoyed eating sand and being the laughing stock of everyone.

Not to mention bruised ribs.

The worst was that he stayed there where I could not avoid him.

I had to walk past his house to get to ours.

I do not know what I sinned so, to be punished so.

If there really was a God, why did He allow these things?

I didn't tell my mom about this.

Suffer in silence.

The only things that made school bearable were Afrikaans and...

Simoné.

She, obviously, did not know of my existence.

Alone in love.

But what did a ten year old boy know about being in love?

Let's call it lonesome crush.

I wonder what André would do if he knew I had my eye on his girl.

Him, I feared not.

If we were to fight, I would kick his butt.

End of Chapter 1

Angels

i

Out of sight, out of mind.

What a lot of baloney.

2009

Everything reminds me.

No.

Screams.

Loud.

Chips away at the hole.

The place where you belong.

The place that I never really gave to you.

You've never taken it.

It was never mine to give, nor yours to take.

It was only yours.

The castle, in a small box, inside a small chest, in a small room of a tiny cabin.

My heart the cabin.

Your place - castle - part of my heart.

It is empty.

You are gone.

The hole eats away at the rest of my heart.

It hurts.

It burns.

Worst is, you never left.

You refuse to go.

You fight for what you are worth to keep your castle.

Don't you know that nobody could ever take it away from you?

Do you not understand that it belongs to you?

That it is yours?

It was never mine to give to you.

Never yours to take.

It was, is and will always just be yours.

You the Queen.

Me?

What was I?

Your servant?

Your loyal servant?

Was I your Arthur?

Was there ever any chance that I could be your Arthur?

I know I was never your Lancelot.

Humph!

No.

I was not.

Yet there were similarities.

I am a servant, he is a servant.

Only, he can kiss you like that.

He may embrace you like that.

He may hold your hand.

Bloody pest.

Worm.

Dirty cockroach!

Makes me sick to think that his lips meet yours.

That he may breathe in your warm breath.

That his fingers may run through your hair.

His hands may hold your hips.

He may caress the small of your back...

Your...

Miserable pestilence!

Wish I could grab him around his throat.

Bring an end to him.

If he was not there, we would probably be together.

I could hold your hand.

I could kiss you like that.

But may I?

As much as I want to blame the roach - dirty rat – for everything, I know that you chose this.

You decided.

Him instead of me.

He your knight in shining armour.

Garbage in a jelly tin.

I am just your friend.

Your reliable, loyal, best friend.

Your words.

Ouch!

It burns.

When did it happen that I no longer have a single thought that does not involve you?

When did I lose myself so?

Where to from here?

Will the pain ever stop?

The fire.

Will it ever stop burning?

Dear Lord, I will start going to church.

I will forgive Mommy for Jerry.

If You will cease the fire for just a second.

I promise.

Honest to God.

Please.

It burns.

***

I have to stay busy.

Otherwise I'll go crazy.

Or more than I already am.

Should have been locked away a long time ago.

Only a madman can love you, as much as I love you.

My own words cut deep.

Why can I not say - loved you.

You are gone.

You abandoned me.

Tossed me to the dogs.

And yet, I still love you.

I left Namibia.

Tried to bring rivers, dunes and mountains between us.

But you are still here.

In every part of my being.

Every thought.

Every breath I draw, without you – with you - fuels the fire and hurts me more.

Will I ever be able to live without you?

Would I want to?

You are my everything.

It burns.

ii

It was afternoon.

Didn't even notice.

Nor did I smell the aroma of the delicious fish my mom had baked.

When she haunted me (always), everything else disappeared.

Seemed insignificant.

No.

Disappeared.

Only she mattered.

Mom was asleep on the single couch.

Newspaper closed on her lap.

The Sun.

My mom's only fix lately, it appeared.

The curtains in the living room were pulled open.

The sun was out.

Only here and there a cloud.

Would it rain later?

I wonder what Thurston was up to?

Would it seem too desperate to call him?

I saw him just yesterday.

We were together for hours.

It felt too short.

He sounded happy.

His life was full.

He enjoyed his new job.

He was madly in love, though he would plead the fifth.

The way he cooed about this Melissa.

I still had to meet her.

I tried hard to sound enthusiastic for my friend, but it was hard.

I'm stoked that things are awesome with him.

But everything was a zero compared to the occurrences in the tiny cabin.

The fire inside the small box.

To be honest, I was even a little disappointed.

I was hoping that at least one other person's life was a total mess.

Someone else... a wreck like me.

But I was alone.

A wreck on a stormy sea.

A wreck burning.

Waterproof flames.

Flames worse as the waves threw it about.

I realize I am a little jealous too.

Thurston has a girlfriend.

And a beautiful one, as he spoke.

He had someone to hold.

I just had the fire.

The only reminder, that yes, once upon a time, not too long ago, someone was there.

Though I was alone.

In love.

A painful reminder.

One that I, with the greatest enthusiasm, would exchange for another.

This is indeed why I came to Cape Town.

The place where I... just wanted to get away from.

Ran from.

Awful memories.

Pain.

Solitude.

Death.

The memories, I realize I would barter.

Just to be rid of the fire.

I put a piece of fish in my mouth.

It tasted like nothing.

Though I could see it was covered with fragrant spices.

It was me.

My taste for nice things, were gone.

I swallowed the piece of fish and the rest of it I put on a slice of buttered bread.

Hunger was the only thing that still functioned properly.

I gently passed my mother and was out of the house.

The wind blew softly.

I was happy about that.

I hate the Cape wind like the pest itself.

More clouds gathered.

I opened the gate slowly.

Don't.

I closed the gate behind me.

Just stood there for a moment.

Suddenly my heart started beating faster.

Sweat droplets formed on my forehead.

My shirt was suddenly wet under my arms.

So much for 24 hour anti-per spirant protection.

Judy Boucher was playing loudly from Aunty Baby's house.

She was probably on memory lane.

Probably misses the Swedish or Swiss, who never was.

Shame.

I could imagine how she felt.

And for women it was probably worse.

Or what?

Against my better judgment I started walking.

First slowly.

Then faster.

In the direction of the train tracks.

Where I, as a child, spent a lot of my solitary time.

Fortunately it was not too far.

The whole neighbourhood was quiet.

Everyone must be at work.

Thank goodness.

The place was still the same.

People still dumped their garbage here.

There were fewer trees, but the grass was still abundant.

The footpath across the tracks were gone.

Probably because no one could get to the tracks anymore.

There was a fence along the tracks as far as the eye could see.

Here and there the fence was double, as someone tried to make a hole in it.

Without the crossing, one had to walk a long way to get to the station.

The cement pipes were gone.

Probably somewhere under a street or part of a bridge.

The clouds hung like a warning.

Ominous.

Dark.

Go home.

***

1990

I hated school.

And this school more than the one in Windhoek (Namibia).

I didn't understand the Maths, nor could I make sense of the 'tenses' in English.

Why we had to do English I really did not understand.

We could barely understand each other properly in Afrikaans.

But the school business was the least of my worries.

The bullies were a more serious headache.

Physically and otherwise.

I waited, at my usual spot beside the gate, for the bell to ring.

I was always early.

My mother saw to that.

And because I was early, there was always time for the bullies to kick my butt before class.

On the open ground beside the school hall, a few of the older boys were kicking a ball around.

They played rough.

Some even tripped others.

But it looked like awesome fun.

At the bottom of the hill were a bunch of girls and boys playing keg.

This game I would love to play.

Goal was to lift the wood piece as far as possible from where it was placed above the hole.

You then got a chance to beat it, from where it landed, to gain further points.

One person had a chance to beat the keg.

The others had to try and catch it.

You're out!

Avoid this one if you are easily distracted.

Last week, Janine Adams missed the keg as it went straight for her face.

She wore spectacles.

Glass shattered in her eye.

She was still not back at school.

Shame.

Between the classrooms some of my class girls played block.

This game seemed boring.

But it was obviously the game that I paid most attention too.

Simoné played along.

Her hair was loose today.

The breeze played with it gently.

Simoné was slightly taller than me, I guessed.

I've never stood next to her to really say.

Her legs were most of her.

Long and beautiful.

The legs.

The parts of her legs that were not covered by clothing were a nice sunburned colour.

Her socks were rolled down past her ankles.

It was strange that girls rolled their socks like that.

But who was complaining.

One could see her delicate, petite ankles.

It was something beautiful to behold.

The beautiful body, rounded off by these delicate beauties.

My stomach felt weird.

With every kick of the stone to the next concrete block, her skirt slightly lifted and you could slightly see above her knees.

She did not wear pantyhose like the rest of the girls.

With the light breeze, her skirt rose higher and sometimes you could see her...

(whispers)

Panty.

You had to look fast, because she quickly grabbed her skirt and held it tight against her body.

When she did that, one could see the outline of her body, clearly.

She was..?

What's the word?

Darn!

Man.

Simply beautiful.

Gorgeous.

But there was something about Simoné that hit you for a homerun.

Demanded your attention.

Captivated it.

This made it difficult for your eyes to see anything else when you first glanced at it.

It was like looking at something and then trying to look away, but you couldn't, because it was just awesome.

It was her smile.

And she was ALWAYS smiling.

iii

I can't say what happened first.

All happened so fast.

One moment my head met the pole of the gate.

Hard.

Next I was face in the mud.

I could not lift my head.

Something was pinning me there.

I could taste the mud.

Blood too.

My lip was cut and I think I bit my tongue when I hit the fence.

It was hard to breathe, because I could not lift my face.

A heavy weight was on top of me.

Everything was in slow motion.

Like the guys in the karate movies my dad and I used to watch.

I heard voices around me, but could not make out any.

My head was confused.

I tried to lift it again.

This time I could, but I soon realized that it was not me that was moving my body.

Something grabbed the back of my pants.

I could feel my undies pull firmly between my legs.

Hard.

I think I screamed.

The pressure down there.

It was awful.

With one movement, I felt my body turn and the next the back of my head and back made hard contact with the ground.

I gasped for air, but nothing would enter.

My wind was knocked out.

My fingers clawed through the mud, but I seized that quick.

Instead, I grabbed my jewels.

Tried to relief the pain.

In vain.

The pain literally pounded.

It felt as if I wanted to pee, but also as though I could not pee.

At once the school bell rang.

The sound far and distant at first.

But then closer and clearer.

Later it felt as if it was ringing in my head.

But it was not the bell that rang in my head.

The pain in my body merely mimicked the bell.

It was in my head, my tongue in my stomach and the worst pounding was down there.

My hands held my jewels.

Held it as if it was something valuable.

Securely, so that it wouldn't fall.

But at the same time, as if I was holding a butterfly.

Careful not to damage the wings.

The voices around me became clearer.

I could hear the children laugh and the girls giggled.

Was Simoné one of them?

Did she witness me screaming like a girl?

Could she see me agonising in the mud?

With my hands clutching my jewels?

The thought alone ashamed me.

I felt the anger stir inside me.

Tears started to burn my eyes.

I tried to hold them back.

Girls do not like boys who cry.

You could make up for screaming like a girl, if you at least showed that you were a man.

Endure the pain without crying.

I closed my eyes and tried to think of something else.

The pain made it completely impossible.

"Bloody, whitey!"

That voice was clear.

Almost as if the words were said right in my ear.

Hard and rough.

And all too familiar.

Georgie.

I heard Mr Love's voice too.

He ordered the children to their classes.

Gripped me firmly by my left arm.

It was painful.

My whole body was suddenly in pain.

He called my name repeatedly.

I opened my eyes and looked for his friendly face.

I tried to answer, but the words would not leave my mouth.

I just shook my head.

"Mr Green! Today you're gonna get a hurt real bad! To my office! Immediately!"

Hmmm.

Oh, well.

Another beating after school.

One never wins.

iv

A broken lip and a bump on my head, was the only external evidence that I got my butt kicked real good.

My tongue felt swollen, but that was all.

The pain in the rest of my body, especially down there, had subsided.

My clothes were obviously a mess.

Nothing I could do about that.

Reluctantly I left the restrooms to join my class.

Everyone was definitely waiting for the monkey to do more tricks.

Mrs October briefly looked up when I walked into the class and then back to the work on her desk.

The class started buzzing.

A few girls giggled.

I didn't look up.

I did not want to see her.

"Silence." Mrs October almost sounded concerned.

I sat down, took out my Afrikaans reading book and started reading.

I could feel the glares on me.

I never looked up.

Was Simoné one of them, however, I wondered.

I had to know.

I swiftly looked in her direction.

She was reading.

Her hair over one of her shoulders and her feet crossed under her chair.

Satisfied, I looked down again and read further.

Usually I enjoyed the Afrikaans reading, but not today.

I just wanted to get away.

I felt dirty in the wet, muddy clothes.

What lie did I have to tell Mommy today?

I rinsed my mouth, but still shuddered as I bit on a piece of rock.

Maybe I should ask to leave class and then just run home.

Delay my next meeting with Georgie.

He was not back yet.

Probably still with Mr Love.

But what would that help?

Nothing.

I could not afford to fall behind with Maths.

We were busy with the 12 times 12 tables and I struggled with this one too.

English I didn't want to think about.

Blazers and jackets and pants and trousers.

Why were there so many words for a jacket and A pants?

And why these complicated words.

Was and were was something to write home about.

Seriously?

English is for nerds.

Suddenly the whole class stood up.

I followed.

"Good morning, Mr Love. How are you?"

The entire class said with one loud voice.

"Morning, you all. I'm very well. You?"

Mr Love was the only one of the teachers that took these formalities seriously.

There was a genuine interest in what we would answer.

Though the answer was always the same.

I could see his eyes looking for me.

"We are riding the wind! Thank you." I recited the rhyme together.

Butt kicked good!

Thank you.

I would have preferred to say.

Everyone sat down and Mr Love went to talk to Mrs October.

Georgie stood at the door.

Red faced.

He looked at me intently.

Fists clenched.

The veins in his hands and arms were now more prominent.

As if they would burst any second.

He was clearly angry.

Furious.

His eyes were dark black and broad.

But I didn't look away.

One day is one day; I thought to myself, I'll get you back.

Humiliate you.

You will wish you were never born.

Yes, I have no pecs and you have a big body with hard muscles.

I am scrawny and you are big as an ox.

But...

One day is one day.

Mark my words, Coloured.

"Are you okay, Mr Este'huizen?" The soft, friendly voice was Mr Love's.

He stood beside me.

Only when he spoke, I realized he was there.

"Y... yes, Mr Love," I said, trying to get up from my chair.

He put his hand on my shoulder and motioned me to sit.

I looked up.

Was I in trouble?

"Do not look so worried, Mr Este'huizen." His face was searching.

His eyes softened.

I looked away.

Maybe he could read minds.

"I'm just worried about you. Is everything... okay?"

He said that a bit weird and his eyes seemed to look down.

Down there.

Oh!

"Yes. Yes, Mr Love," I said embarrassed.

"Very well. You may rest assured. Mr Green will not bother you again soon. He is provisionally suspended and..." he looked at Georgie.

Georgie pretended not to see.

"Well, he's suspended. That's all I can tell you. Good day."

He gave my shoulder a squeeze and left.

With one movement, the class rose.

"Goodbye, Mr Love."

"Farewell, you all. Behave." He gave me a last look and left the class.

Georgie trailing behind.

Suspended?

Was that good news or bad news?

All I knew was that Georgie was out of school.

In a way, I was responsible.

So, I would have to pay.

And hard.

Grrr.

v

It was short break.

I decided to stay in class.

Inside it was safer.

I was revising my tables.

After short break, it was Maths.

Mrs October was already busy writing the sums we had to do for today, on the board.

But tables were always first.

I was not alone in the classroom.

Andre Valentine and his friend, Gavin Jacobs, sat two desks in front of mine.

They were playing Uno.

At the desk, right as you entered the classroom, Samantha Williams was reading a story book.

Far left, next to André Valentine and Gavin Jacobs, was Natasha Jantjies and beside her was Simoné Davids.

My Simoné.

The two were playing with wool.

A finger game.

I wanted to look away but could not.

She was too breath-taking.

The rays of sunlight, from the window, made her brown hair look lighter.

Suddenly she looked at me.

Her eyes were gentle.

She also smiled that smile for me.

I quickly looked away.

It was probably written on my face that I had been watching her.

Very aware of myself, I kept fiddling with my collar and pretended to be hard at tables.

Outside I heard the bell ringing and kids started returning to class.

Carefully, I glanced in Simoné's direction.

She was scratching in her school bag.

I was relieved.

As the children entered class, they stood next to their desks.

The rest of us did the same.

Arms outstretched towards the open space.

Mrs October picked up her beating stick and went to stand next to Samantha Williams.

"Nine times six," she said and lifted her beating stick.

"Sixty-four," said Samantha Williams, and as the words left her mouth, the hard rod made contact with her hand. She screamed "Ouch" loudly and sat down.

"Four times eight."

"Thirty-two."

This one I knew, but unfortunately it was not my turn to answer.

As Mrs October moved closer towards me, I tried my best to repeat the 12 times 12 tables in my head.

Towards the end, I always got confused.

And unfortunately there was no time to count, as André Valentine just found out.

The beating stick bent in Mrs October's hand.

Ouch!

That was hard.

Suddenly it was my turn to answer.

Suddenly I felt like I was standing in front of the entire class.

The class quickly changed to a stage with thousands of people in the audience.

I became aware of my dirty, mud soiled clothes.

My broken lip started beating again.

Even the knob on my head felt swollen to the size of a cucumber and everybody could see it.

I was once again the monkey (no tricks) that was there to entertain the people.

More than anything, that moment, I just wanted to be alone.

Away from here.

With Anubis in our backyard, where there were no bullies, no Maths and certainly, no English.

"Twelve times twelve."

I saw, in slow motion, how Mrs October's tool of torture rose into the air.

Hung there for a brief moment.

This one I knew.

Just, I confused it with the one before that.

Was it one-hundred-and-forty-four?

Or one-hundred-and-thirty-two?

Darn!

Was it one-hundred-and-forty-two?

"One-hundred-and-forty-two," I said and realized I was wrong.

The beating stick confirmed it.

The girls giggled again, naturally.

I sat down and rubbed my hand.

Unconsciously, I looked in Simoné's direction.

Was surprised to see her watching me.

Her expression was that of pity.

Even with her smile on her face, I could tell.

I quickly looked away.

I did not want her to pity me.

vi

Break, I had to leave the classroom.

Mrs October did not like kids in the class while she was not there.

With reason.

Apparently, a while back, someone stole money from her purse.

So I heard.

I was on the porch, just in front of the class, in the shade.

It was hot.

The breeze, that lifted Simoné's skirt this morning, was gone.

The girls did not play block any more.

Samantha Williams sat on the other end of the porch.

Her story book was closed on her lap.

She was still crying.

Poor thing.

She struggled with tables.

Just like me.

And she, like me, always got a taste of that torture stick.

Mrs October was merciless.

Fat One and Banana Face stood by the school hall.

They watched me intently.

I knew I was safe for now, because they would not bother me without Georgie.

Not during school.

Simoné and Natasha Jantjies were on the lawn.

With André Valentine and Gavin Jacobs.

They were all playing Take-two.

André Valentine kept eyeing Simoné over the top of his cards.

Who could blame him?

She was beautiful.

With her legs crossed, skirt tight against her body, hair over one of her shoulders, and that smile...

Again, my stomach felt funny.

As I could gather, Simoné fared poorly.

She picked up two cards the round before and now four.

Gavin Jacobs was finished first. He got up and sat behind Simoné.

Apparently tried to help, but I could see he had other intentions.

He put his head close to hers.

It almost looked like he was sniffing her hair.

I would.

Fat One and Banana Face were no longer by the school hall.

I could not see them anywhere on the school grounds.

Probably smoking in the restrooms again.

I wish Mr Love would catch them.

The Take-two game came to an end.

The girls didn't want to play anymore.

André Valentine looked disappointed.

More than Gavin Jacobs.

Gavin took a cricket ball from his school bag and persuaded André Valentine to toss the ball to and fro.

Natasha Jantjies played with her wool again.

Simoné ate a sandwich.

She took small bites.

She bit it all around the edge.

The slice gradually became round.

She looked up and, again, I was caught.

Ashamed, I looked down and put my head between my legs.

For a long time, I remained like that.

I heard someone approaching, but did not look up.

No one spoke to me since day one, so I had no reason to.

The person, however, just stood there.

I peeked under my knee, trying to see who it was.

Could only make out girl school shoes.

White socks, rolled to below the ankles.

Beautiful, delicate ankles.

Simoné's ankles.

I wanted to puke.

Shyly, I lifted my head and looked for her face.

She smiled that beautiful smile for me.

I could not help but smile too.

"One of these bright, sunny days, your eyes will pop out."

Her voice was soft and velvety.

Soothing.

Like music.

"Wha... wha..." I swallowed my words.

Put my head between my legs again.

"I did not know you stutter."

Soft, velvety, but teasing.

"I... do... st..." I swallowed my words again.

She laughed.

Even that sounded beautiful.

"Sorry, I can't hear-you." She teased.

I remained quiet and kept my head between my legs.

"I'm Simoné."

"I... I know." This time it was easier.

"And you are... Selwyn?"

"Sherwin." I lifted my head.

She extended her hand to me.

"Pleased to meet you, Sherwynne."

I wanted to correct her, but decided against it.

The word sounded nice.

Reluctantly, I shook her hand.

Her fingers were slender and soft.

And just like that, she sat right next to me.

Like we have been friends for a long time.

Took out a sandwich from her lunchbox and offered it to me.

"Lovely French roast beef with mayonnaise."

Her smile broader than ever.

I took the sandwich.

"Thank you, Simoné."

She took out one for herself.

"Mmmm."

Her expression was that of "Go ahead. Take a bite."

I bit into the sandwich.

The white bread was soft and did not hurt my tongue too much.

The wound was still very tender.

She smiled at me.

"Lovely, hey."

"Very." I replied honestly.

Roast beef with mayonnaise, on bread, was one of my absolute favourites.

And this French thingy was just awesomely delicious.

With white bread, even better.

My mom rarely bought white bread.

Brown bread is "cheaper".

I ate the sandwich slowly.

Did not want it to finish.

"I have lots more. Please, enjoy."

Maybe Simoné could read minds too.

Before I finished, she handed me another.

The slice of roast beef on this one, even thicker.

Yummy!

"Where do you stay, Sherwynne?"

"I... I stay in Observatory."

"Okay. I stay in Rondebosch."

The words left her mouth like soft piano notes.

"Are you a Boer?"

Her expression was curious.

"No ... I'm not," I replied.

"Then why is your hair and skin so white?"

This time, her expression was confused.

"My father was a Boer."

And my skin is not white, I wanted to say.

It is more brown.

So I wanted to convince myself.

"Oh?"

She seemed more confused.

I did not try to help her.

I rather took another bite of the sandwich.

André Valentine and Gavin Jacobs were watching us.

Fat One and Banana Face were back against the school hall wall.

Hawkeyed.

"So," cautiously and careful, "what are you then?"

"I am a Coloured."

"Oh?!"

Simoné's smile was gone.

"Why do you ask?" I wanted to help.

She had to smile again.

"You speak very funny for a Coloured."

Her words were cautious.

"And you do not look like one."

"I? Talk funny?"

I almost laughed.

"Very funny. Like the Whites on TV."

"Have you listened to you all?"

"What do you mean 'you all'?"

"All you Capetonians."

"What are you then?"

"I'm from Namibia."

As if she finally understood, the smile played across her face again.

"Okay. You are from the desert."

"Yes," I said annoyed.

There was more to Namibia than the "desert".

"So, desert Coloureds," that smile that hit you for a homerun, "are then Whites who spent too much time in the sun?"

Desert Coloureds?

Whites?

In the sun?

The laughter bubbled from deep within my stomach up my throat and burst through both my nose and mouth.

I fell on my side.

Could not stop myself.

Ouch!

My broken lip tore open again.

But it was not enough to stop me from laughing.

If I had been chewing on the bread, I would have choked.

Through the tears, I could see that Simoné wanted to laugh as well.

She must have realized how funny and silly her assessment was.

Soon her laugh dwarfed mine.

I tried to stop.

Soon found I could.

Her laugh was beautiful.

Contagious.

I watched her.

Took in each note.

The sound of her laughter was like it was coming from a big empty vessel.

Samantha Williams started laughing.

Gavin Jacobs, and shortly after him, André Valentine too.

Fat One and Banana Face stood smiling.

It was like something radiated from Simoné and it affected everyone in her vicinity.

She realized I was watching her.

Slowly she began to laugh less.

Softer.

The beautiful end of a moving piece of music.

Ended with just one note.

Her smile.

I smiled back.

The rest watched.

vii

2009

I never threw away the piece of paper with Simoné's number on it.

Maybe I should call her.

Maybe she can distract my thoughts.

Do not.

She can never find out.

Rather not.

I had to forget about Simoné.

Leave the past where it belongs.

In a time when I was still innocent.

Before...

Let it be, Sherwin.

That's in the past and nobody needs to know.

No.

Forget Simoné.

I clenched the piece of paper in my fist and threw it in the trashcan.

End of Chapter 2

I miss you

I miss you, 'cause I'm so fond of you

i

2009

"What are you going to order?"

"I don't know. It all looks so delicious. You?"

"I feel like a little bit of everything. The Chinese especially. Their sweet-and-sour pork is divine. "

Even in the dream I hear the word "divine" as if pronounced letter by letter.

Her voice thin and high.

Her eyes like those of an excited, naughty child.

"I know I shouldn't eat so much, but ... uhm uhm uhm uhm uhm!"

With the last "uhm" she smacks her lips together.

"My mouth is watering!"

"Why not order?"

"Oh, I wish I could."

Her eyes immediately disappointed.

Her voice softer, almost whispering.

The tone as if she is actually asking a question.

"It will be on me."

Excited, naughty child in her eyes again.

She rubs her hands together and pulls it to her chest.

Her whole body's excited.

"Really, Sher?"

Not really a question.

Actually more a "thank you".

Even in the dream she could not say the word.

"Uhm uhm uhm uhm uhm!"

Satisfied.

Her eyes closed.

"Ooooooh, it's finger lickin' good! You want a bite?"

Her eyes never leave mine.

As if she wants me to enjoy it just as much as she does.

Truth is, I do not like sweet and sour stuff.

"Mmmmmm, delicious." I lied.

And even in my dream, I lie convincingly.

Only for her.

***

With the same empty feeling of my dream, I wake up.

Headache.

Another night gone.

Another day to survive.

Another day without you.

Another day with just you in mind.

I'm sick.

My headache feels worse.

Can you not leave me alone?

Why can't I just let you go?

Like you tossed me aside.

Like a dirty rag.

Puked out by a dog.

Why can't I hurt you?

Like you hurt me?

Headache worse.

Doof doof.

Doof doof.

Doof doof doof.

Why?

Why?

Why?

Why?

Why?

Doof doof.

Doof doof.

Doof doof doof doof.

Doof doof.

ii

1990

Today is the last day of the school year.

End of my first year at this damn school.

If I pass, I am also done with Standard two.

But I had my doubts.

I already knew I failed Maths.

Health Science too.

I was not too sure about English.

The spelling words were not so bad.

Mr Love did that with us. He basically pronounced each word letter for letter.

You had to be very stupid to get the words wrong.

Mr Love.

Only other good thing I encountered at this school.

The other good thing?

Yes.

Simoné.

The class was almost empty. Nobody was very eager to receive their reports. Those who came were those who performed well.

Janine Adams (she could still see with the eye), Natasha Jantjies, Gavin Jacobs and Simoné Davids.

These were the brainiacs in our class.

The others who came were the ones that did not do so well - or shall I say, who knew they were failing.

Yours truly, too.

The second group was known for fixing their reports. And they got away with it too. Till the principal - Mr Love – notified their parents at the beginning of the next term.

They all got a hurt real bad, as I followed from their stories.

I did not need to do that.

My mother was not the type to give hidings.

She paid little attention to my school work. Just made sure that I had my school fees on Mondays and that my school clothes were clean every day.

The rest of her time, she spent with Jerry.

The little money she had too.

They were now officially a couple. I did not like the things that my mom started doing.

Drinking hard liquor.

Sometimes I could smell cigarette smoke on her.

But whatever I had to say was dismissed.

I was the child and I should know my place - she reminded me of that whenever she had had a drink.

Aunty Anne said nothing.

Just sang the same old tune.

"My sister deserves to be happy again."

The others, who were not here, did not care whether they passed or not.

André Valentine was one of them.

Perfect!

Maybe Simoné would come and talk to me again.

That's why I was here.

For her.

Today, her hair was one thick braid, with a big blue ribbon.

With her hair tied to the back like that, her face was open.

Or more open?

The eyes brighter - almost as if it was more a hazel colour.

Her skin like vanilla.

The small mole just above her lip was also more prominent.

Her lips looked good enough to eat.

True as God.

The lip balm made it look more appealing.

Made it stand out more.

Mmmmmm.

iii

We talked more and more.

I was not sure if I was her friend.

She always greeted me, when she saw me, but she would not always start a conversation.

Other days she talked without stopping.

Sometimes I could not get a word in.

Other times she bombarded me with questions.

From what I had for breakfast, and embarrassing ones, like, when did I stop wetting the bed.

I lied about that one, because I still did.

Wet my bed, I mean.

I did not care to answer her questions.

I answered every one.

Most of the time, I was honest.

I just wanted to hear her voice.

Just hear Sherwynne come from her mouth.

She was not my friend.

No.

She and André were definitely not friends either.

He was always holding her hand.

As if to say - she is mine!

Like a spoiled brat that didn't want to share his toys with the rest of the kids.

Look at me! Ooooo, look at meeeee!

So big and still so childish.

Why Simoné allowed him to hold her hand, I could not understand.

Girls are strange.

I do not know why I didn't like André.

He was never rude to me.

To tell the truth - he was a very pleasant person.

Always a smile on his face.

And - unlike the rest - he still had his two front teeth.

No, the reason I didn't like André, had nothing to do with him.

I think it's because of Simoné...

"Penny for your thoughts, Sherwynne."

"Ha... ah..." I swallowed my words.

How long has she been standing there?

"Ha ah, ha ah. Is that a song from the desert?"

Her smile was wide.

"No," I said with a smile.

Simoné knew how to get me comfortable.

That made me uncomfortable too.

She sat down beside me.

I looked up to see who was watching us.

Nobody.

Everyone was busy with their own things.

She looked at me.

I did not try to look away.

"What? Why are you looking at me like that?"

"I'm just looking." Her eyes smiled too.

"Do I have something in my eyes?"

Unconsciously I wiped the corners of my eyes.

There was nothing.

"Relax, Sherwynne."

I tried.

"I wonder..." she leaned forward.

Her face closer to mine.

"What," I asked.

"Are your eyes brown?"

"Yes. Or, more brown."

"Brown, but green." She sounded excited.

"Something like that."

"But..."

Now she leaned forward even more.

Her face right in front of mine.

I could feel her breath on my face.

Warm.

It smelled of cinnamon. Perhaps cloves.

I could not say.

It was nice.

"But?" I asked curiously.

Trying my best not to breathe.

Perhaps she could smell the peanut butter I had this morning.

"Are... are there yellow speckles in your eyes?"

She sounded surprised.

"Not as far as I know." Yellow speckles?

"I'm almost sure... Yes. Three in the right eye and four in the left."

"Really?" Someone drank too much of the lemonade. "I think you are imagining it."

"No, I can see it clearly. It's so..."

She leaned back again and continued to look at me.

Her smile broader, but she didn't show her teeth.

She took a deep breath.

"Yes?" I urged her on.

"It's," she bit her lip.

Her eyes closed more than two seconds ago.

I motioned "I am listening" with my hand.

"It's really...beautiful..." almost as if she said it under her breath.

"Uhm..."

I felt strange.

Funny in my stomach.

Excited too.

"Tha ... Thank you."
She said nothing further.

Smile wide again.

Beautiful white teeth.

Her eyes open.

Small drops formed above her upper lip.

Fine drops along the edge.

It was beautiful.

Then she got up and sat back down beside Natasha Jantjies. She gave me one last look over her shoulder. I raised my hand and unconsciously made a small waving gesture.

She smiled shyly and turned her head, pulled into her shoulders.

Until next time, my beautiful Simoné.

***

We received our reports and left the classroom.

The whole school was buzzing.

Fortunately for me, I could be a bit excited too – Fat One and Banana Face were not here today.

Georgie got expelled.

Did I mention that?

Yes, a month or so ago.

He tripped me a while back.

I fell off the porch hard.

Almost broke my nose.

Mr Love expelled him then.

But that was not the end of Georgie.

Nope.

"Sherwynne!"

She caught me off guard (with me constantly on the lookout for a bully).

She was with Natasha Jantjies and Gavin Jacobs.

Wonder what they wanted.

"He... hello, Simoné."

"We are all going to the park for a bit. Are you joining us?"

"Th... tha... thanks, but... but... rather not."

With Natasha Jantjies and Gavin Jacobs there, it was more difficult to talk to her.

"Please?" She made a sad puppy face.

Darn.

Girls.

Toys with ones emotions.

Can't she just accept "no" for an answer?

If Georgie was around, he would make me eat sand again.

With Fat One and Banana Face's help, he could kick my butt good.

Oh, Simoné.

Why did you have to pull that face?

Hide your smile.

That smile.

Against my better judgment, I said the word.

"Okay."

"Yippee! Come."

She put her arm in mine.

She put her arm in mine.

She put her arm in MINE.

Suddenly I began to tremble and felt very funny in my stomach.

As if at any moment I would taste my own bile.

But at the same time as if I was light.

Simoné's skin was soft.

Always thought it was, but now I could feel it.

Soft like custard.

She rested her head on my shoulder.

Her hair smelled like fruit.

Watermelon, and others, that were on the tip of my tongue.

"What are you thinking?"

"Nothing."

Natasha Jantjies and Gavin Jacobs held hands.

A short distance away from us.

I wondered what was going on.

Them.

Simoné and I.

I did not know what to think.

What about André?

Oh, boy.

I hope Georgie would stay away.

I kept looking around.

School children were all going home. Many also moved in the direction of the park.

But there was no sign of the bullies.

iv

2009

Mom was awake when I got home.

I had hoped that she was still asleep.

The smell of curry welcomed me.

She was in the kitchen.

"Look at you, Sherwin!"

She threw the spoon and rag onto the table and almost ran to me.

Worried expression on her face.

I did not understand why.

I just went for a walk.

"How long have you been walking around in the rain!?

My, dear! You will catch a cold!"

She went into her room and came back with a towel.

"Here! Dry yourself!"

I took the towel.

I was confused myself.

How long was I gone?

When did it start raining?

When I went out, the sun was still shining.

Just a few clouds in the sky.

"Where were you?" She was less hysterical.

Where was I?

I could not remember.

"Just went for a walk." That was true. "Do not worry."

I walked past her, but she grabbed my arm and turned me around.

She said nothing.

Just stared at me.

I tried to keep eye contact, but could not hold it for long.

This time it was not just the hanging eye.

No.

It felt as if she could see something.

I looked away.

"What's wrong, honey?" Her voice soft and calm.

"Nothing, Mommy. I just went for a walk. Then it started raining. I was too far from home to walk right back. There was nowhere to run."

Lie lie lie.

"That is not what I'm talking about."

She left my arm and sat down on the couch.

She gestured that I had to sit next to her.

I did.

Didn't want to, but I did.

"Since you returned. You are not yourself. Sometimes I talk to you, but you're so deep in thought, that you do not hear me. You don't eat. If you do not sleep, you're on the streets. Alone."

I became more uncomfortable.

What was I supposed to say?

"You never told me why you decided to come back. After... you know... I thought you would never put a foot in this house again. And I was fine with that. If I were you, I would not want to either. Not that I don't want you here. I do. I missed you dearly. Every day. After Anne moved into the Wendy-house, the house is... alone. Cold."

"I missed you too Mommy. Every day."

"Why did you quit your job like that? Leave Namibia? Your sweet girlfriend?"

The word girlfriend cut deep.

Hurt.

The fire was worse than before.

I did not know it could burn even worse than it already had.

I got up and went to my room.

"Sherwin. What is wrong, my dear?"

"Nothing, Mommy. Just leave me alone, please. I'm going to bed. Good night."

I closed the door behind me.

I leaned with my back against the door for a long time.

My heart on fire.

***

After what felt like hours, I threw myself on my bed.

Wet clothes and all.

I folded into myself.

The fire continued.

These days it felt like it was the only part of me that was real.

I was a shadow of my former self.

That man did not exist until I met her.

My life, after the mess of Cape Town, only germinated when I met her.

She helped me make sense of the... skeletons.

The pain to be a distant memory.

Almost forgotten.

But now she was the cause of a deeper pain.

A fire like no fire or ice could burn.

An empty hole burning.

Nothing to fuel the fire, but the deepest desire to have her arms around me.

To look in her eyes.

To know, more to feel, that someone loves me like that.

That everything will perish, but that her love for me will live on, after death, until the end of days.

But that was naive.

I knew it.

However, it did not extinguish the fire.

My bed was soaked.

My clothes sat uncomfortably on my body, but I could not get up.

I slowly drifted off into a deep darkness.

v

"Where are you?"

I could not see anything. There was no light.

I blinked.

Hoping my eyes would adjust to the dark.

It did not help.

I moved forward.

Slowly.

"Where are you?"

Besides the dark, there was something else.

The feeling that someone was watching me.

I tried to move faster and screamed louder.

No sign of her.

The feeling of eyes on me worse than before.

It felt like it was behind me, no left, no right.

No.

Right in front of me.

I fell backwards.

The feeling of eyes on me, now more overwhelming than before.

I tried to move further back, but it did not help.

"Help me! Where are you?"

I tried my best to make the words leave my mouth, but all I could hear, were quick, shallow, gasps, at whatever oxygen was left in the dark.

I was just about to faint, when I saw it.

Two red eyes.

Right in front of me.

And a voice.

Almost a whisper.

"You are mine."

vi

It was quiet in the house when I woke up.

I was wet, but it was not because I went to bed with wet clothes.

It was sweat.

I could still feel it on my forehead, right down my neck.

My heart was beating fast.

The dream felt like it really happened.

I could still see the red eyes in front of me.

The eyes.

Yes.

I got up from my bed. Moved quietly on the wooden floor. I did not want to wake my mom. I opened the window. It stopped raining, but there were many clouds in the sky. I switched on my radio. According to the radio presenter it was just after ten.

I could hardly believe it.

It felt like I had been asleep for hours.

The dream was like an eternity.

And, again, just about her.

Except for the red eyes.

What did they mean?

"It's nothing, Sherwin," I tried to make myself forget.

Just the fear of not knowing how to move forward without her.

It was now more than three months since I last saw her, but I was still the same.

The longing for her is intolerable.

I do not know how much longer I could go on like this.

How much longer could I lie to my mother?

She's asking more and more questions.

And she was right.

I am no longer the person I once was.

How could I be?

I'm nothing without her.

I just remember myself with her.

Every good memory; and bad.

She always by my side.

I came to believe that that's how we would be forever.

That was just my own optimism.

If I was not so thick, stupid and yes, in love, I could see that she did not feel the same.

Who could ever be in love with you?

Yes, I was special to her.

She also said it herself.

I'm her best friend.

But that's all.

She did not feel like I did for her.

If only I opened my eyes, I could see that she and the roach had something going.

Not believed that they were just friends.

I was gullible.

But it was really all in the past.

She said she never wanted to see me again.

That hurt the worst.

That you didn't want me in your life any more.

Did it mean nothing to you that I loved you?

How could you just toss me aside?

Humiliate me like that?

In front of everyone we knew?

You are nothing.

Why do I miss you still?

Why does the fire burn still?

I am nothing without you.

God, what shall I do?

If You are there, help me.

I do not want to live without her.

***

"It's now officially just a year before the start of the 2010 Football World Cup and the eyes are on South Africa!"

It was the radio presenter.

"Everybody's asking whether South Africa will be ready? Australia has already announced their readiness to host the final if South Africa fails to deliver. And what about the increasing violence in our country? Call in and share your opinion..."

I turned off the radio.

The Football World Cup was the least of my worries at the moment.

Though I hoped that Germany would at least make it to the semi-finals.

I left my room.

Softly into the kitchen

At least mom's door was closed.

I was hungry.

Though I knew I wouldn't get much down.

Could I not be one of those people that ate when they were depressed?

Then at least I wouldn't look like a scarecrow.

I was really only skin and bone.

Could almost fit through the burglar bars of the windows.

Thin as a rake.

Mom left me a plate of food on the stove.

Curry.

Minced beef with rice.

I would have to eat it cold.

I'll have to get a microwave for the house.

Tomorrow.

If I would dare walk into a store.

They know.

vii

1990

"Well, let's see" Aunty Anne lay stretched out on the couch.

She was off work this week.

I still had to get used to seeing her at home during the day.

She worked odd shifts at the hospital.

Brooklyn Chest.

Apparently a hospital only for people with TB.

I sometimes wondered if she was going to bring the bug here.

Infect my mom.

The thought alone.

I could not lose another parent to illness.

Dad was way too much.

"Can't I even enter the house first, Aunty?"

I closed the door behind me and sat down next to her.

Mommy was in the kitchen as usual.

"Yes, you. You know we are waiting to see if you passed," she sat up and gestured with her head in my mom's direction, "you know how your mother gets."

I looked at my mom and she just shook her head.

She was making sandwiches.

I could smell something baking in the oven.

"Mmmm! What smells so good? Not perhaps a chocolate cake?"

"Only those that passed Standard two may have of that deliciousness."

Aunty Anne looked naughty when she said that.

"If you will hand me the report, we will see if you will be indulging with your mother and me."

"Okay, okay."

I was anxious too.

I was not sure if I passed.

The previous three terms, I had barely made it.

Mrs October said in my last report, if I did not show improvement, that I would have to go to remedial class. Not even repeat Standard two. What was worse was that Georgie's henchmen were both in remedial class.

I trembled.

Just the thought alone.

I took out the report and handed it to Aunty Anne. She dramatically tore open the envelope and took out the report, equally slowly. Slowly she unfolded it. Looked it up and down. Then she put her hand on her mouth.

"Debbie?"

I was not sure if it was concern in her voice.

"What... what does it say?"

I was more nervous now. I could already anticipate a hard knock against my head every two minutes in the remedial class.

Mommy took the report from Aunty Anne and sat on the single sitter opposite us. She looked at the report for a long while, and then shook her head. Aunty Anne still had her hand on her mouth. No one made eye contact with me.

"Have I failed?"

I could not hide the disappointment in my voice.

Though I knew it was a possibility, I did not realize it would feel like this.

It was not just the fear that I would be with the bullies in a class.

No.

It was Simoné who was suddenly on my mind.

She has definitely passed.

So, I would get to spend much less time with her.

If we would ever spend more time together.

She'd never want to be seen with one that failed.

A loser.

I picked up my bag and stood up.

I wanted to be alone.

"And where do you think you're going?"

My mother's voice was light. Not like one that was angry or disappointed.

"I want to be alone."

Aunty Anne suddenly started laughing.

"I'm sorry sis, I just couldn't any longer."

She could barely utter the words, because she was still laughing out loud.

Great.

It made me feel worse.

My failure is certainly extremely funny to her.

I just wanted to start walking, when my mom jumped up and threw her arms around me. She basically picked me up and swayed me around.

How this small person managed it, always amazed me.

Not that I was one of the biggest 10 year olds.

She sat me down and kissed me all over my face.

What was wrong with the woman.

Aunty Anne also rose and put her arms around me and my mom.

I was more confused.

My mother stood back and took my face in her hands.

Saw to it that I could not look away.

"Your father would have been so proud, Sherwin."

I immediately got a lump in my throat.

Why did my mother have to mention my father of all people?

He definitely would not be happy that I had failed.

My mother's eyes became watery.

She would start crying at any moment. But her face was not sad.

"Well done, Sherwin." Aunty Anne didn't laugh any more.

I looked at my mom and back to Aunty Anne.

The lump in my throat did not make things any easier.

"What... do you mean... Aunty? Didn't I... fail?"

I looked at my mother again. Tears rolled slowly down her cheeks.

"Did I pass?"

"Yes, my dear."

My mother hugged me again and then opened the flood gates.

"But... you?"

I could not get the words out.

Mommy held me too tight.

"We were just pulling a prank. It's not often we get to do that."

Aunty Anne walked to the kitchen.

My mother let me go and handed my report to me.

She wiped the tears from her face and stroked her fingers through my hair.

She looked at me for a moment.

I tried to smile, but I still had the lump in my throat.

"Sherwin..." My mother's voice was soft.

"Yes, Mommy?"

"You did well, dear. You know. With Daddy... moving to Cape Town... new school."

My mother still stroked her fingers through my hair.

"Mommy," my voice failed me.

"I know, dear. I miss him too."

My mother wiped the tears from her cheeks again.

"Yes."

That's all I could muster.

If I tried to say something else, I would start crying too.

And boys don't cry.

No.

We shake it off and push through.

"Well, look at your report. I'm going to finish the cake."

She kissed my cheek and went into the kitchen.

I unfolded the report.

First read what Mrs October had to say:

Sherwin passes Standard two. Congratulations. We look forward to having him back at Observatory Primary in the New Year. Enjoy your holiday.

She didn't mention anything about remedial class.

I was happy.

More because I would still be in class with Simoné.

That I would not be with the bullies was an even bigger gift from above.

To my surprise, I did not fail any of my subjects.

Afrikaans A

English D

Health Science C

History B

Mathematics D

Woodwork and craftsmanship A

The biggest improvements were English and Mathematics.

Last quarter I got a double F for both.

My English mark was due to Mr Love.

If he had not done the spelling words, I don't know.

Mathematics was all thanks to Mrs October's torture stick.

I looked at the report one last time and put it back in the envelope.

It was done.

Standard two was over.

I passed.

Thank you, God.

***

Anubis was uneasy in the backyard.

I left him alone a lot lately. I felt guilty about that. When I opened the back door, he jumped me to the ground and started licking my face as usual. The goo, slimy and his tongue rough against my skin were both ticklish and gross, but I didn't push him away.

I missed him.

Even though I greeted him this morning, before I went to school. But now I just wanted to play with him. He was all I have left of Daddy. With Anubis around me it felt there was still a piece of my dad with me.

A piece that I could hold.

It was more than the memories of my father that were slowly fading away.

Much more than the feeling that he was still here with us.

I did not feel it, but my mother insisted that he was still here in spirit with us.

Until, one day, we are ready to finally let him go.

I did not argue with her about this.

What did I know about death?

"Hello, Boy! What did you do all day?"

He stopped licking me and sat on his hind legs.

His tail swept the sand clear off the porch.

He wanted to play ball.

That's the only time he sat like that.

Tail wagging wildly.

He immediately stood on all fours when I picked up the tennis ball.

His tail wagging faster, if at all possible.

I pretended to throw the ball, but he wasn't fooled.

He learned well over the years.

When I threw the ball, he was immediately there to catch it, before it could hit the ground.

And instantly he was back beside me.

He never left the ball until I asked it from him.

End of I miss you. I miss you, 'cause I'm so fond of you.

The Truth will set you free

i

1990

The holiday was my best ever.

I spent almost every day with Simoné.

It was wonderful.

Most of the time it was just me and her alone.

Sometimes Natasha Jantjies too, sometimes with Gavin Jacobs, but he never without Natasha Jantjies.

I took Simoné to all my secret hangout spots.

Where I usually spent my time alone.

Today I wanted to show her my spot by the train tracks near the bridge.

I had a surprise for her.

I was very nervous.

I could barely sleep.

I was awake before the Tarzan sounds came from the mosque.

And lately, the sounds were quite early.

Almost around four.

I didn't get up from my bed. Aunty Anne was working diligently at snoring. Even with the terrible noise of that, she would hear me if I were to tread on the wooden floor.

Fortunately, the curtain was open.

There were no clouds in the sky.

No moon.

Just the many dots against the black.

Though it was not the same as the night sky from Windhoek, Namibia, it was okay. Nights in Windhoek, when there was no moon, you could see the stars almost as if they were just above your head.

It is a sight to behold.

My dad and I regularly slept on the porch of our house in Windhoek. Sleep was the last thing that usually happened. We chatted away, while we watched the stars. He was always telling me stories about the war at the border.

Strange things that happened there.

I just listened and never asked much.

I could not think that Daddy could ever kill anyone.

Daddy also knew a lot of the star constellations. He always pointed them out to me. He also taught me the names, but I remember nothing now. We enjoyed it terribly to talk about aliens. We both wanted to believe that there were aliens. Maybe on one of the beautiful stars that we were watching right at that moment.

Not aliens that wanted to abduct us, or ones that wanted to perform terrible experiments on us.

No.

Just people like us who were from another earth. They were also searching for other intelligent life.

Little did they know there was life looking for them.

Why my father wanted to believe that aliens existed, I did not know.

I know it was Alf and The Mysterious Cities of Gold that influenced me.

I followed the programs as if my life depended on it.

The Mysterious Cities of Gold was of course my absolute favourite.

I was Esteban. The Child of the Sun.

And Zia...

Yes.

My delicate, petite ankles, Simoné.

I always imagined it was me and her that went off on adventures.

If only it could happen.

That would be wonderful.

The brave young boy, with the bolder, more beautiful, young maiden by his side.

Tra-lala-lal-lal-la-la-la!

Oh!

Sherwynne, I love you.

Sherwynne, I do.

You again.

Tra-lala-lal-lal-la-la-la!

La...

LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Ouch!

Damn you!

F@cker!

(1 minute silence.)

My, absolute, pleasure.

(30 seconds silence.)

How did you like it?

My debut.

Told you.

(30 seconds silence.)

Now.

(10 seconds silence.)

Sherwynne, I love you.

(30 seconds silence.)

Sherwynne, I really do... love... you.

(1 minute silence.)

When are you going to listen?

Don't.

TRA LALA-LAL-LAL LA-LA-LA!

TRA LALA-LAL-LAL LA-LA-LA!

TRA LALA-LAL-LAL LA-LA-LA!

TRA LALA-LAL-LAL LA-LA-LA!

TRA LALA-LAL-LAL LA-LA-LA!

TRA LALA-LAL-LAL LA-LA-LA!

TRA LALA-LAL-LAL LA-LA-LA!

TRA LALA-LAL-LAL LA-LA-LA!

TRA LALA-LAL-LAL LA-LA-LA!

TRA LALA-LAL-LAL LA-LA-LA!

TRA LALA-LAL-LAL LA-LA-LA!

TRA LALA-LAL-LAL LA-LA-LA!

TRA LALA-LAL-LAL LA-LA-LA!

TRA LALA-LAL-LAL LA-LA-LA!

TRA LALA-LAL-LAL LA-LA-LA!

(2 minutes silence.)

Please.

Stop that.

Please.

Then... you know... to be silent... when... I... speak.

(1 minute silence.)

Told you already you are mean.

(5 seconds silence.)

And you.

(3 seconds silence.)

Know well.

(10 seconds silence.)

You.

Betrayer.

(30 seconds silence.)

Uhm.

(10 seconds silence.)

Sherwynne, I love you. Sherwynne, I do.

(3 seconds silence.)

When are you going to start listening?

(10 seconds silence.)

You said you have a secret to tell.

(10 seconds silence.)

You've done a poor job so far.

Simoné here.

Tiny cabin there.

Poor poor poor.

(10 seconds silence.)

You're poking around.

(3 seconds silence.)

Here a seed.

There a pip.

Now and then a rock.

(5 seconds silence.)

Where is the diamond?

(10 seconds silence.)

Tell the truth.

Start at the beginning.

There where my secret began...

I... can't.

You can.

You are brave.

What about Georgie?

You made sure he understood never to look in your direction ever again.

That took guts.

But it wasn't like that.

It was.

He.

Guess that's me.

Tra-lala-lal-lal-la-la-la!

(30 seconds silence.)

Enough.

Please.

Deceiver.

(5 seconds silence.)

Still.

It was you.

Tell the truth.

Only the Truth will set you free.

It's hard to put into words.

Try.

Live it.

The words will come.

Do it for her.

For Simoné.

For yourself.

For God.

Only He is Peace.

I'm... scared.

You do not have to fear him.

It's not him I am scared of.

Yes, I'm scared of him.

But it's, her.

What if she doesn't like my surprise?

I will not be able to live with the disappointment.

If she does not understand.

The fire, can then, not compare.

You will never know if you do not try.

Come.

I know what bravery you are capable of.

Experienced it with my own eyes.

Show him.

Come.

What if he catches her?

You will be there to protect her.

Won't you?

Come.

O...

Okay.

ii

Football World Cup 2010.

South Africa.

But first...

Tuesday, 22 January 1991.

World News

  * Three SCUDs and one Patriot missile hit Ramat Gan in Israel, injuring 96 people; 3 elderly people die of heart attacks.

  * British Army SAS patrol, Bravo Two Zero is deployed in Iraq during the Gulf War. All but one of eight members are killed or captured.

The beginning.

Near Observatory-station, Cape Town.

Near our house.

Train tracks.

Near the bridge.

Cement Pipes.

My leg was bleeding.

He bit me.

I didn't even feel it.

***

2010

My name is Sherwin. Sherwin Esterhuizen.

I have a secret to share with you.

This is the only way I can get redemption.

Knowing that someone else knows.

No.

Knowing that you know.

To put into words is difficult.

Impossible.

Words are at a loss.

So.

Come.

I'll show you.

It's the only way.

Just promise that you will say nothing.

Wait until I finish.

I must open my heart.

So that you can see.

Just my gratitude.

For you.

I am but a man of few words.

But I try to assert them through my actions, to the best of my ability, so that others may know.

I care.

I love them.

For words are at a loss.

Colour boundaries.

Phobias.

Man.

Woman.

Words are at a loss.

How do I say I love you, without making you uncomfortable?

Words are at a loss.

You, I love the most.

Come.

I want to show you.

Come with me to the tiny cabin.

There where your castle is.

There where you are the ruler.

You are the Queen of my heart.

Come.

We must hurry.

There's not much time.

I can feel it.

Come.

Come quick.

iii

Tuesday, January 22, 1991.

Windhoek, Namibia.

The Republican

• A peace proposal by Russia's president Mikhail Gorbachev to the Persian Gulf area yesterday was rejected by Pres. Saddam Hussein of Iraq. America must first pay for his aggression, he said.

• Great dissatisfaction existed on several levels yesterday when it became known that about seven thousand karakul pelts in 37 bales, worth about R220 000, were lost in Frankfurt shortly before the December auction of three containers.

Cape Town, South Africa.

The Burger page 12:

Departure of soldiers not without difficulty.

Cape Times

Respect for the law

THE controversy between President Mugabe and the Chief Justice of Zimbabwe is of Cardinal importance. At issue is the recent provision that excludes the courts from hearing appeals in cases in Zimbabwe of compulsory land acquisition.

Observatory, Cape Town.

At home.

I had a surprise for her.

I was nervous.

Very, very nervous.

I could barely sleep.

I was awake before the Tarzan sounds came from the mosque.

And lately, the sounds were quite early.

Almost around four.

I didn't get up from my bed. Aunty Anne was working diligently at snoring. Even with the terrible noise of that, she would hear me if I were to tread on the wooden floor.

Fortunately, the curtain was open.

There were no clouds in the sky.

No moon.

Just the many dots against the black.

I wondered if Simoné was awake too.

Would she like her surprise?

I made it especially for her.

With my own hands.

Took me weeks.

A lot of cuts and blisters.

But for my Simoné, it was all worth it.

My beautiful, Simoné.

Still on my bed, I went to the window sill.

Perhaps I could get a glimpse of Anubis.

Couldn't really see much, because you had to lean off the bed.

But he was already watching me from the darkness.

He sat next to the wall.

On guard.

Eyes on me.

He was beautiful.

The blue sheen of his pelt more prominent in this light.

"Hello, Boy," I whispered.

He stuck his tongue out.

"Are you watching for bullies and gangsters, Boy?"

He pulled his tongue back and sat back up, so to say "Yes, Sir."

"Faithful, friend. Later, I'll steal some of Mommy's meat and give it to you. You should just not tell her. Do you hear, Boy?"

Again he stuck his tongue out.

iv

Tuesday, 22 January 1991, at 14:55.

Near the house.

I was nervous.

Very nervous.

I started thinking of chickening out.

But I could not disappoint her.

No.

I'd rather make a fool of myself before I ever disappoint her.

My Simoné must always keep smiling.

With delicate ankles and all.

I was so lost in thought that I did not see him approaching.

Just my luck.

Georgie.

He was alone.

I first thought to run, but decided against it.

As big as Georgie was, he was fast.

I was fast.

It would not help.

He would just use my momentum against me.

Made the mistake several times before.

The time I almost broke my nose, was one of them.

When he was expelled.

He was apparently sent to a juvenile improvement school or something like that.

But I was not sure about this.

As I heard, Georgie was a regular visitor to the local drug dealer.

Mr D.

Who Mr D was, I did not know.

Georgie's fists were clenched.

He also rolled his hips funny and he seemed to be stepping on one foot more.

His mouth was closed.

No sign of the two upper teeth.

He was furious.

I wrapped Simoné's surprise in newspaper.

First thought of brown paper, but those look too much like school stuff.

I did not want to be reminded of school, so why should she.

I did not know what to do with the packet.

So I just kept it in my left hand, by my side.

Georgie walked faster as he approached.

So, two or what feet away from me, he stood still.

I could clearly see the veins beating in his forearms.

His fists were white.

His eyes wide and black.

I never noticed the blue circles around his eyes.

Purple-grey.

"Salaam, Whitey."

I could see he meant no good with that "Salaam".

The loud, unruly "Salaam".

Followed by "Whitey."

Almost as if it was something disgusting.

And more disgusting to say.

It looked like it sickened him to say it.

He spat.

To his side.

He started pacing left to right and back again.

His eyes never left mine.

Sporadically, I swear I saw the two upper teeth slightly.

It made him seem creepier.

Today the sh!t is going to hit the fan.

"I missed you, old pal."

His eyes sparkled for a moment.

He smiled slightly.

Like someone who was happy to see an old acquaintance.

"Every day I thought of you."

Why me?

"Every day. On that... God forsaken place."

"Stikland."

The word came out rough and louder.

He stopped pacing and walked forward.

His chest almost against mine.

He showed me those two top teeth.

Gums and all.

His eyes were black.

Wow.

I almost went in my pants.

But I stood my ground.

I wondered if he could see me shaking.

Simoné's surprise shook in my hand.

You could hear the newspaper.

"What's this!?"

He grabbed Simoné's packet from my hand and walked away.

Shaking the packet to his ear.

His eyes never leave mine.

He gave the packet one last shake and threw it to the ground.

Stepped on it.

Rammed it properly flat.

All my hard work.

Just like that.

Destroyed.

He still smiled and watched me intently.

I felt like that day.

The day he humiliated me in front of the entire school

I saw myself lying there in the mud again.

Screaming like a girl.

With my hands clutching my jewels.

The anger boiled from deep within me.

I stepped firmer into the ground.

I clenched my fists.

Just held them to my sides.

Tears started burning my eyes.

Tears of sadness.

Tears of absolute anger.

I watched him.

Today is the day.

Told you.

Mark my words, Coloured.

Then everything went red.

v

2010

Doof doof

Like a sledgehammer hitting concrete to pieces.

"Please."

Doof doof.

Doof doof.

"Please."

Doof doof.

Doof doof.

My voice was hoarse.

It felt like hours.

It was.

Hours.

I was weak.

Wouldn't be able to stand much longer.

The words literally hurt my vocal cords.

Like cotton wool in my mouth.

Dry.

My tongue just prickles.

"Please."

I could not hear myself.

Doof doof.

"Please."

Only doof doof.

Doof doof.

"Please."

Doof doof.

Doof doof.

"Please."

Doof doof.

Doof doof.

I can't any more.

"Please.

Hooooooooooooooo..."

Wimper.

"Hoooo... hoooooo...

Awwwwwwwwwwe."

Sob.

*Sob sob*

"Hoooooooooooooooo..."

Oh, Lord.

Doof doof.

"Hooooooooo...

Hooooooo... hooooooooooo..."

Awe!

It hurts...

"Hooooooooooo..."

Doof doof.

Doof doof doof

Doof doof doof loudly in your ear.

Doof doof doof.

Please.

Please.

Doof doof.

Doof doof.

Please.

Doof doof.

Doof doof.

Doof doof doof.

Doof doof doof.

Doof doof.

Doof doof.

Doof doof.

Doof doof.

Doof doof doof doof.

Doof doof doof doof.

Doof doof.

"Please.

I'm pleading with you."

Oh, Lord.

It hurts.

Hurts.

"Hooooooooo... awe... it hurts.

Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwe.

Awe-wa.

Hooooooooooooooooo..."

I could no longer see through the tears.

"Please."

Only doof doof doof doof loudly in your ear.

Only doof doof doof doof.

Doof doof doof doof

***

2010

Observatory, Cape Town.

The tiny cabin.

Saturday, September 27, 2008.

"Come.

Come in.

It's a bit small, but it's nice and cosy, just the way you like it.

Hey."

(Silence)

"Look.

Against the wall.

The picture of you at the beach.

Swakopmund, Namibia.

Tiger Reef.

We drank Shreks."

Umf.

"I remember it like yesterday.

Can still feel your hand caressing mine.

Do you remember?"

(Silence)

"The two black dogs gave you such a fright.

You really got me laughing.

Your expression was priceless.

Like you narrowly escaped death."

Ha-ha!

Ha-ha-ha!

Umf.

Uhm.

"Sit down, please.

The couch I made especially for you.

I know you're always struggling to get one that gives your back just the support it needs.

Only first class for you.

How does it feel?"

(Silence)

"I'm glad.

Music?

What about..."

She writes

NB! This is the most uplifting CD on earth.

"Yes."

Think we could do with a little upliftment.

Things are...

No.

(Grace Kelly - Mika starts playing on CD player. Medium volume.)

♪ ♫

I wanna talk to you.

The last time we talked, Mr Smith, you reduced me to tears.

I promise you, it won't happen again...

♫ ♪

"You hungry.

We have time to eat.

Dial-a-meal.

Your favourite.

What are you in the mood for?"

Umf.

I already know what comes next.

She's going to order the sweet-and-sour pork.

Ginger beef.

Noodles in oyster sauce.

Spring rolls.

I always ordered two fortune cookies.

"I feel like a little bit of everything. The Chinese especially. Their sweet-and-sour pork is divine."

D-I-V-I-N-E.

Her eyes are shining.

The black now more prominent.

The long lashes around it, like two black flowers against her porcelain skin.

The mascara makes it more alluring.

There she is.

Just like that.

The girl of my heart.

Excited.

"I know I shouldn't eat so much, but... uhm uhm uhm uhm uhm!"

With the last "uhm" she smacks her lips together.

"My mouth is watering!"

"Why not order?"

"Oh, I wish I could."

Her eyes immediately disappointed.

Her voice softer, almost a whisper.

The tone as if she is actually asking a question.

"It'll be on me."

Excited, naughty child in her eyes.

She rubs her hands together and pulls it to her chest.

Her whole body is excited.

"Really, Sher?"

Not actually a question.

Actually more of a thank you.

Even in the dream she could not say the word.

What happens next, I know all too well.

The dream is all I have dreamt for the past year.

Same thing over and over.

Night and day.

Does not matter.

It... and.

Yes.

You say nothing else.

Just the same things over and over.

Drives me mad.

It's like we're trapped here.

Never moving forward.

That last good night together.

Just you and me.

Inside the tiny cabin.

♪ ♫

I could be hurtful

I could be purple

I could be anything you like

Gotta be green Gotta be mean

Gotta be everything more

Why don't you like me?

Why don't you like me?

♫ ♪

"Take a look at your couch.

It's not just any couch.

Told you, only first class for you..."

"Yes. Hahaha!"

Ha-ha-ha.

"Big enough to put two or three coasters next to each other.

Your water with ice.

Your water without ice. For your pills.

And your home brew iced tea."

"You can of course do as you wish. It's yours. "

"Whisky and Coke Zero. Just as your heart desires."

The coasters pop in and out, just as you wish.

You can put them all away.

Yes.

Just like that."

Anything for you.

My sweetpea.

"They can adjust as well.

You know your drink glasses change to suit your moods."

Yes. Look at me with that innocent face.

You know I love that angel face.

Or do you?

Will never know now.

It's.

Yes.

"Take your arm off the arm lean for a sec and push that little button."

Yes.

Yes, push.

"There you go."

Wish I had a camera.

The look on your face is priceless.

"Mom did the embroidery. I designed the pattern myself. Had to study up on the software, but for you, the challenge was all worthwhile.

Can you guess what it is?

Yes."

Uhm.

Ha-ha.

"A baby gecko that's eyeing a chameleon.

Or they are eyeing each other.

The chameleon looks like a leaf and the baby gecko itself looks like a dry leaf.

They both know something is there, but they're not sure.

Meet cute.

Let your disguise down.

Hahaha!

Yes, the little cushion pops out if you push that button.

It's to lean your arm.

That is if you can stop yourself from looking at it.

Cute huh?

Almost seems like the chameleon's tongue is about to lick...

Baby lizard looks like it's slowly moving forward.

Like a chameleon.

Hahahaha!

Those compartments are for all your remotes. Dvd, vcr, tv, dstv.

Backup batteries in the back. That compartment there.

That big slot is for your dstv guide and that The You or O magazine, as you enjoy.

That little holder is for your spectacles.

If you push the button next to that one, the foot pedestal lifts.

But you can rotate it right through 90 degrees, just as you desire.

The inside... well, let's just say it massages your calves, heels... even your feet.

You can control the speed and pressure with that button. "

Yes.

"You can switch it off, of course. But I thought... with your leg..."

Uhm.

Pleasure.

"Come.

There's something else I want to show you.

Push that button."

Yes.

Push.

"There you go."

(Lollipop - Mika starts playing in between on CD player. Moderately loud.)

"Yes, a home entertainment theatre like no other.

Once you push that button, the lights dim a bit.

The speakers come out from the wall in that corner to your left and to my right.

The screen rolls from the roof.

Projector at the back.

Top of the wall.

Great huh.

Ten by seven foot."

Her eyes looked like they were about to pop out.

"The projector is connected to the laptop there by your side.

Simple and convenient.

I have all your originals in the cupboard over there, but I copied them all to the laptop.

Those that could be copied.

Your favourites.

Kill Bill, The Rocky Horror Show, Queen, Live, Guns N' Roses, Muse, Jason Mraz, etcetera etcetera etcetera (I say in my best King and I accent) and such...

There are those I still wanted us to watch together, but... Alas.

It's Everybody hates Chris and Boondocks.

Chris was also bullied, just like me, but he remembers it with humour, just as I also want to think about my own.

What does not kill you just makes you Stronger.

Haha!

It's absolutely hilarious!"

Yes.

Uhm.

"I have another surprise for you.

I'll put the uplifting CD softer."

(Lollipop comes to an end and My Interpretation Mika starts playing softly.)

"Do you see that mirror on your left that covers the entire wall from floor to ceiling?

Push that button, right there, and see what happens.

Preferably when you are watching Finding Nemo.

Yes, it's also on the laptop.

But any time you want.

With the Nemo effect or without.

It's especially for you.

Never understood your obsession with fish, but you like them, so there.

You love Finding Nemo, so I went into Sherwin mode.

Wanted you to experience the movie differently.

Like you're one of the characters.

Let me switch off the lights so that you may see better.

Do you see?"

Yes.

"Uhm.

Fish tank.

Real, yes.

What do you mean?

Exactly like the tank from Finding Nemo.

Look.

Live fish.

Go and see.

I'll pay the deliver dude quick."

(My Interpretation comes to an end and Love today Mika starts playing softly over CD player.)

"Why do you tippy toe like that?"

So light on the marble floor.

Like a fairy.

Who would've guessed they really exist.

You.

Sweetpea.

"Come.

Everyone is in the tank."

Uhm.

"Nemo sure cost me."

A lot.

"Sharky was the easiest to get.

Who would think there are such a lot of these... (creepy) fish.

Bubbles is in there too."

Uhm.

Ha-ha.

"Yes.

But...

Here..."

That surprised confused look on her face.

What should I do with this crap?

Ha-ha-ha!

"It's a vuvuzela."

Yes.

"Vuvuzela.

Noisy contraption.

Deafens people.

Literally.

You should say thank you you're not here with the Football World Cup now.

Oh!

They're making a noise before the cocks are crowing.

Monotonous.

The dogs go crazy too."

Can't stop myself from laughing.

"But I have a secret I want to share with you."

Now she looks serious.

Secret.

What secret is this?

Let us hear.

Ha-ha-ha.

She sure does make me laugh.

"The trick with the vuvuzela is that you use it where no one can hear it.

Can you guess where?"

She doesn't even try.

Blank expression.

More a "what the f@ck do you want me to say" look.

Ha-ha.

Uhm.

"Under water."

Yes.

"Check out what happens when you blow the vuvuzela underwater.

You can go through the bathroom to the tank.

Through the small door.

Just push the vuvuzela, through the flap, nice and deep.

Then blow with all your might.

Go ahead."

She leaves for the bathroom.

On her tippy toes.

Fairy.

I sat down and put the uplifting CD louder.

(Relax Mika starts playing moderately loud on CD player.)

I can do with a bit of upliftment.

Of any kind.

I need it.

These parts of the dream are the hardest.

The silence.

I cannot hear her.

Can only guess what she thinks or says.

I can see her before me.

So real.

Can almost touch her.

But she is far away.

So near and yet so far.

Yes.

But, I cannot chicken out now.

It must happen now or...

No.

We will make it.

Just finish eating and then we must leave.

Time is running out.

I can feel it.

Oh, Lord.

Be with me.

Protect her.

More than anything, God.

Please protect her.

Amen.

♪ ♫

It's as if I'm scared.

It's as if I'm terrified.

It's as if I'm scared.

It's as if I'm playing with fire.

Scared.

It's as if I'm terrified.

Are you scared?

Are we playing with fire?

♫ ♪

vi

"Blow!"

She sure looks comical with her face against the side of the tank.

Seems like her big tongue is sticking into the tank.

Her face squashed flat due to the angle of the glass.

Now she looks more like a fairy.

With her hair as short as a pixie's.

She is beautiful.

"Blow."

This time you see big bubbles come out of the vuvuzela.

Humungous ones.

My girl has a pair of lungs that can huff and puff.

Just then you see a yellow fish swim into the bubbles and starts dancing.

More like it's gliding through the bubbles.

But fast.

The fins are so loose; it twirls like ribbon through the bubbles.

The darker orange colour of the fish with the dark, red head makes it look like a red ball with red, orange, yellowish, twirly things.

I cannot describe it.

But it's amazing.

Awesome.

"It's more than you blowing air into the water.

It's actually the sound of the vuvuzela that's making the fish dance like that.

Underwater, sounds are clearer.

You'll see if I show you the pool.

I specially installed screens and speakers under water.

It connects with the tank, but the water never mixes.

I'll show you, if we have time."

Doubt it though.

♪ ♫

Relax.

♫ ♪

"Come.

Come sit beside me again.

I'll put this all off."

The screen roles into the roof and the speakers go back into the wall.

The wall is from stone that I bought in Karibib, town towards coast of Namibia. The marble of the floor I got there too. First thought of wooden floors, but thought, instead, the high ceiling should be wood. The dark, black beams in contrast to the dark green floor. The thick, soft, white cream carpet I got from Karasburg, southern town of Namibia. Of the nuns at the Catholic Church, in Lordsville, made it for me. They're friends of my father's family.

As she enters the room, the light goes brighter and she's like a fairy, on her tippy toes, beside me on the couch.

As she tippy toes, I remember the day we first met.

She was also tippy toeing.

Umf.

But let me start at the beginning.

On the Tartanbahn.

In Windhoek, Namibia.

The main stadium of the city.

1999

I was in Grade twelve.

It was Zone A.

Inter school athletics

I was there for the 100, 200, and 400 meter dash. High jump and long jump.

That was the last year I ran the 400 meters.

I chose it above the 100 and 200 because you had to run smarter.

Stick to the pack, but still save enough energy to finish the last hundred.

Your lungs start to burn the last two hundred meters.

Or at least mine did.

I enjoyed it.

Made me feel alive.

Now for the last time.

It was fitting that it would be Grade twelve.

It was now eight years... since...

Yes.

Cape Town.

I was in the fourth lane from the pitch.

Bare feet.

The rubber of the track felt funny under my feet.

Rough and hard.

I could not afford stud sneakers like the other guys had.

The guy that looks to see that your fingers are behind the line, just past me.

As I waited for the gun to go off, I closed my eyes.

Oh, Lord.

Be with me.

Protect my mother.

Please forgive me, my Lord.

Protect Georgie too.

Please.

I'm sorry.

Protect her.

Please.

* DWAH! *

It was my first time on the Tartanbahn.

It was much bigger than the track at Kosmos, where I went to school.

My feet hurt.

But I endured the burning pain.

The last hundred meters were in sight.

I was in fifth place.

I still had much left in me.

I could run much longer and even faster, if I wanted to.

But why?

Where to from here?

The athletics was all I had.

After this, there was nothing.

Regionals, yes.

But I mean after school.

I was not Frankie Fredericks, so nothing would come of it.

Why not just end it all now.

I've ran long enough.

Eight years.

The skeletons were skeletons.

Buried.

In shallow graves.

Near the Baxter theatre.

Rondebosch, Cape Town.

Eaten by worms.

Not even in coffins.

Just the dirt and worms.

Maybe a mole ate the toes and fingers like hotdogs.

Gone.

Forgotten.

I could spend more time on English and Maths.

It was now differentiation and integration.

Calculus crap.

Much worse than twelve times twelve.

Luckily I was English second language and standard level.

No Cambridge Higher Level British nonsense.

Maybe I could pay more attention to my senior project.

Could sleep more.

The after-school practice was a nightmare.

I wasn't in the mood for that any longer.

In those last hundred meters my whole life flashed in front of my eyes.

His face.

The red.

Just the red.

The golf club.

Mommy.

Anubis.

The leather pouch.

Darn.

The leather pouch.

Him.

I trembled.

I felt the adrenaline pump in my blood.

I took a deep breath in.

Stepped harder and firmer into the track.

I was alive.

Why not?

It was all in the past.

Now it was just me and the track.

Why not do it for her.

For Anubis.

Barnard De Wet trained long and hard with me.

Why not give it back.

I moved forward faster.

Eighty meters left.

I was right next to the Chinese from HTS.

He was really running on just fumes.

He ran thick spectacles and all.

Sorry, mate.

Eat more tofu.

I was now in third place.

WHS and Academia was ahead of me.

These Boers had a lot of heart in them.

But I was soon past Academia.

Just behind WHS.

There was just about fifty meters left.

I heard someone cheering.

Keep going! Keep going!

Whether it was meant for me, didn't really matter.

It prompted me.

Thirty meters left.

I was right next to WHS.

I realized the guy was cheering for WHS.

I'll show him.

I gave my all.

Only fifteen meters.

Ten.

Five.

Three.

No stopping WHS.

No stopping me.

Sherwynne, I love you.

Sherwynne, I do.

Not again.

We crossed the line together.

There was no stopping me.

I ran about thirty meters further.

Could not say who won.

WHS was lying on the side of the pitch groaning.

The lactic acid must be eating him badly.

He was on his last before the last ten meters.

His timekeeper was talking to him.

Mine came running over to me.

Skirt high, as she tippy toed, closer.

Her legs were long.

She was tall.

"Not too bad."

Her voice was high, but not unpleasant.

Blonde.

More white hair.

Almost like mine.

Her eyes were dark.

Brown.

But you could say black.

Her breasts were...

Oh, boy.

Hair in braids.

One on each side of her head.

Pippi Longstocking.

She was beautiful.

"Tha... thank you."

I have never spoken to a Boer girl before.

"I still say you've won."

Her doe eyes were fluttering.

Freckles along her neck.

But not in her face.

Her skin was white.

White powder.

"Got that right."

I was full of it.

"Full of yourself, Mr Sexy legs."

These sticks?

Iron.

Sexy?

Bulls.

Are you having a drink with Barnard De Wet in the stands, perhaps?

"Don't look like you don't know what I'm talking about."

Her eyes never leave mine.

What was wrong with this girl?

Carrying on like this.

In public, no less.

I just walked past her.

She watched me for a while as I walked away.

"Woo-hoo! Sexy, sexy, sexy!"

I was sure everyone could hear her.

I walked faster.

"Don't you even want to know what your time was?"

Faster.

"Hey, Mr Sexy legs."

She teased.

I turned.

"44.8 seconds. Wicked fast. Definitely a new record."

She sounded very excited.

"Don't think so," I said almost like I didn't care.

But I did.

New record.

My last 400 meters.

Would be great.

I turned and walked again.

"Hey. What's your name?"

She wanted to know.

"Sherwin," I said over my shoulder and kept walking.

Soon I was lost in the crowd by the stands.

She could not keep up.

Thank you, Lord.

♪ ♫

Relax.

♫ ♪

vii

She can't stop staring at the cushion.

Quite mesmerized.

Can I take it that she likes it?

Guess so.

I'm pleased.

Oh, boy.

Uhm.

Now or never.

Sherwynne, I love you.

Sherwynne, I do.

"There's something I must tell you.

Hey.

Look at me...

Nia."

She slowly raises her head and looks at me.

Right foot on the couch and left on the floor.

Head on her right knee.

Her expression questioning.

"I told you I have something to show you.

A secret I want to share with you.

No.

Must share with you."

Her expression now more curious.

Her eyes were never more beautiful.

"Where we're going...

Your kingdom.

My heart.

It's... "

Oh, Lord.

Help me.

Deep breath.

In.

Her eyes never leave mine.

She's wearing her green dress.

I liked it on her.

And out.

In.

The white-blonde hair, short on her head.

Those doe eyes.

Angel face.

As if she was a flower.

The green dress a stem.

And out.

"It... it's not safe to be there.

Not now.

It's... dangerous.

It's on..."

Fire.

"Everything..."

Screams.

"But there is no other way.

I'm sorry."

She looks confused.

"We do not have much time, so listen.

Please.

You must remember all that I am about to tell you.

It is of the utmost importance."

She starts smiling.

I must not be getting through to her.

Or she thinks I'm a drama queen, again.

"Nia.

Marnia.

I'm serious."

She stops smiling.

Looks more like she wants to know what's going on.

"You can't stay in that dress.

Pants will be better.

We will have to move fast.

Be quick."

Run.

"There are...

Things."

I do not know how to describe them.

"I've never really seen them well.

I know it's not something good.

You must stay with me.

You hear.

Listen to me.

It is of utmost importance.

Hold my hand if you must.

If you can get yourself to hold a... Coloured's... hand. "

I can't believe I said that out loud.

But this was not then.

When I was madly in love.

It's now 2010.

Only three months shy of September.

Almost two years.

After that one perfect night.

A prison.

Trapped.

I am not even sure whether you can hear me.

The dream continues.

Soon I'll have to strut my stuff.

Get my swag on.

To Mika.

Love today.

When she wants to hear it a second time.

Played a few minutes back.

The uplifting CD never stops.

That night, she wanted me to give her a show.

I did too.

I would do anything for her.

Make a fool of myself if I had to.

Umf.

"Just stay with me.

And, I repeat.

Listen only to me.

They are conniving.

Listen only to me.

Would have preferred to show you under better circumstances."

But... alas.

"Why do it now?"

Yes expression on her face.

"Only woke up now.

Only now, do I realize what's been happening.

The dreams.

The eyes.

Oh.

The red eyes.

The lost time.

The train tracks that keep luring me.

It's.

It... is.

Him.

He's back.

As if he never left."

Damnit.

Wish I could find the words.

Darn.

Words are at a loss.

Oh, Lord.

"He is..."

Furious.

"Outraged."

Why?

"Because I messed up his plan.

Because.

I took it.

More like, lost it."

What?

"The black leather pouch."

♪ ♫

Relax.

♫ ♪

I went to the bathroom for a while.

Watched myself in the mirror.

Sherwynne, I love you.

Sherwynne, I do.

I was scared.

I wasn't sure what I was letting myself in for.

Uhm uhm uhm.

Bond.

James Bond.

*Wooooooooooof!*

James Bond's @rse.

I am not a spy.

Nor am I a hero.

Look at this flat chest.

No pecs at all.

Scrawny nigga.

The girls love muscles like these.

My skin is so pale.

And.

Oh, no, man.

What's that!?

Yes.

A pimple.

Uhm.

Always in the neck.

Oh, these darn specks!

Relax, brother.

Nothing can spoil this face.

Look.

Uhm uhm uhm.

You're on fi-ya.

What is so special about this white face?

I prefer to have a tan.

Let's me feel less like the "Whitey" they kept calling me.

Although, no one means any harm by it.

Not like Georgie.

Wonder what became of him.

After Tuesday, January 22, 1991, his life would probably never be the same again.

I stood a little back.

Looked at my calves.

Or the small muscles that were there.

Iron.

I wondered whether they would be able to carry me.

Tonight, I need them more than ever.

I cannot endanger her.

Cannot disappoint her.

If she is weak, I won't be able to handle it.

Not with everything going on with me.

Don't worry, brother.

No worries tonight.

They won't know what hit 'em.

For sure!

Quite the enthusiast.

If only.

I opened the packet with the things I got ready for Nia.

The most important, were her pills.

She was so absentminded.

Always forgot to take them

So, being who I am, yours truly, Sherwin Esterhuizen, made her a pill holder marked from Monday to Sunday.

It was in the form of a maze.

You had to follow the days exactly, in order to get a black ball from the container.

To open the container and refill it.

Nia liked puzzles and stuff like that.

Nia was also a netball girl.

I thought if she associated the ball with her pills, she would remember to take them.

The pills?

Nia suffered from Grave's disease.

That caused hyperthyroidism.

That meant something was wrong with her thyroid gland.

It produced too much thyroid hormone.

It affected her physically and psychologically.

She had many moods.

Mood swings.

You had to have your wits about you.

Had to have a lot of patience.

I had.

Because I love her so dearly.

Still my words cut deep.

Lord.

She is my everything.

And her wellbeing was my biggest responsibility.

She just had me.

Or so I thought.

Was, obviously, wrong.

Dirty rat.

Roach.

Yes.

She only had a few friends.

I think she preferred it that way.

She did not mean to do people harm.

She couldn't help it.

I knew it was because of her condition.

She could get really annoyed, really quick.

Dive into depression.

*Snap!*

Just like that.

The hyperthyroidism had an effect on her muscle tissue and affected her metabolism.

That's why her leg was weak.

The left calf.

The rapid metabolism also made her eat more, but she never got fat.

Or let's rather say, she never gained weight.

Only the Charlize Theron figure.

But, of course, at this price.

Though she never got fat, she still had to eat healthy.

The pills were Lopressor to control her heart palpitations.

That was also as a result of the Grave's disease.

Stress made things worse.

Emotional stress.

The worst was when she could no longer play netball.

Because of her leg.

But also because of her back.

The bone itself was weakened.

For that she took calcium and vitamin D supplements.

To strengthen the bone.

To gain control over the thyroid gland, she also took Tapazole.

Because of the condition, she was always very tired.

Especially in the afternoon.

But she struggled to sleep.

Insomnia is another consequence.

To help calm her down, she drank herbal tea.

Made it herself.

I called it her home brew iced tea and I always encouraged her to make it.

I too... enjoyed it.

Arrrrggg.

And arrrrrrggggg.

*Gross*

I would do anything for her.

Swallow it down.

So that she knew, I was, am, with her.

That she is not alone.

Just a spoon full of sugar helps the medicine go down.

I love her so much.

It was bugleweed and lemon balm.

I counted the pills and put it back in the packet.

I looked at myself in the mirror one last time.

The cop clothes looked funny on me.

The short pants.

She said she always wanted to see my behind.

Sexy legs.

Mr Sexy legs.

She was such a character.

So complex.

I just wanted to know more and more about her.

All her facets.

Just wrap all of her and protect her.

Relax brother.

It's just a tease.

Yes.

But.

I'm so aware of my teeny muscles and such.

Makes me feel like a real fool to go on as if I have sexy muscles.

They won't know what hit 'em.

For sure!

Okay.

Now or never.

Mika, here we come!

♪ ♫

Relax.

♫ ♪

viii

"Woo-hoo! Sexy, sexy, sexy!"

*Whistle whistle whistle*

"Sexy! Woooooooo-hoooooooooooo!"

Umf.

She sounds so convincing.

Her eyes are open.

Does she mean it?

Does she really find me sexy?

This tall, lean body.

Tennis balls for biceps.

No pecs.

Bum.

Small round drumsticks.

Calves

Tennis balls on picks.

"Sexy, sexy, sexy!"

She meant it.

Her eyes are excited.

She's still on the couch.

Her body slightly to the left.

Her left elbow resting on the little cushion.
It supported her perfectly.

Her legs were both on the pedestal.

At a 45 degree angle.

I could see it slowly massage her calves.

Through the unmatched socks that were pulled up to under her knees.

The one on the left, purple, yellow, orange and red stripes.

Bold.

The left just black and white stripes.

She did not care to wear unmatched socks.

She was very eccentric.

She smiled nicely at me.

She seemed happy.

As if all the burdens were off her shoulders.

Dear, Lord.

Thank you.

All praise be to God!

"Get on with it! Get 'em, get 'em, get 'em!

Woooooo-hoooooooo!"

Excited.

"Let's see.

But you may not cheat."

She points at me with her right index finger.

Looked me straight in thé eye.

Her head slightly sideways.

She was Nia serious.

Would definitely give me a hurt real bad.

Honest to God.

True that.

She sat back and smiled at me again.

Today is a good day.

It will be in our favour.

With Nia positive, I would be able to man the decks.

If she should become depressed, or stubborn.

Heaven, help us.

God willing.

The mood swings are unpredictable.

We will see.

First though.

Let's get this embarrassment over with.

I know all the moves so well.

I've done it all year long.

Umf.

She enjoys it every time.

Wish she could see herself.

She radiates enthusiasm and excitement.

This show makes her day.

And that's why I put myself through the embarrassment.

If I felt sexy, it would be easier.

But I did not.

But we won't have none of that.

Yo, Mika!

♪ ♫

Everybody's got love today.

♫ ♪

"Careful.

The frame is a bit low."

She slowly enters the small room.

For the first time, I see Nia's feet flat on the floor.

Her tall body slightly hunched.

Seems like her head is going to bump into one of the beams at any moment.

"Sorry it's so small.

I had no choice.

Had to make it as safe as possible.

The inside of the room is like the inside of a safe.

Can you see the steel in between the wood?

It all shuts here.

At the door.

If you're inside, nobody can come in from outside.

Just you and I can.

Or so I thought. "

Just thought of people.

"Didn't...

Think of him.

Look."

I pointed to the chest in the middle of the room.

It is in the shape of a heart.

Not an "I ♥ you" heart.

No.

A human heart.

You could see the arteries and veins.

Carved into the wood.

The three legs like the big paws of a lion.

A lion that is about to leap at any moment.

As if the heart wants to jump.

Along the legs, there are little angels with bows and arrows.

On top, there are many flowers and ferns.

I did it all myself.

Yes.

Yours truly.

The wood was mahogany I imported from the Philippines.

Under this light, the chest resembles a dark-reddish liquid.

Almost as if it was alive.

But that's just the many layers of varnish that gives it that effect.

Nia looked amazed.

She went closer.

Stroked her hand all along the border.

Her slender fingers tracing the detail of the carvings.

She looked at me.

Her eyes almost closed.

She smiled slightly embarrassed.

After going around the chest once, she went and stood right in front of the handle.

I stood next to her.

I was still in the cop clothes.

I was wet from all the sweat.

The show is a workout on its own.

Ha-ha.

"You see the hole along the side here.

That's how he got in."

She looked at me.

With her head almost next to mine, I could look right into her eyes.

The black now clearly brown.

The pupils very large.

I could look forever into these eyes.

Her expression was confused.

I did not know what to say.

All I could think of was to start at the beginning.

There where my secret began.

Tuesday, January 22, 1991.

At 15:00.

Near the house.

Georgie was pacing.

His eyes never leave mine.

Why is he looking at you like that.

Sporadically, I swear I saw the two upper teeth slightly.

Look at him.

Ha-ah.

It made him seem creepier.

Oooooo.

*Ooooooooooooooo.*

Today the sh!t is going to hit the fan.

You know it.

Coward.

"I missed you, old pal."

His eyes sparkled for a moment.

Ha-ah.

He smiled slightly.

Like someone who was happy to see an old acquaintance.

Ha-ah, ha-ah.

Are you going to allow that?

From another guy?

Ha-ah.

"Every day I thought of you."

Why me?

Obvious.

You're a pussy.

"Every day. On that... God forsaken place."

"Stikland."

The word came out rough and louder.

His own fault.

He stopped pacing and walked forward.

His chest almost against mine.

He showed me those two top teeth.

Gums and all.

His eyes were black.

Wow.

You going to allow that?

Ha-ah.

I almost went in my pants.

Do it!

Do it!

Bed wetter!

But I stood my ground.

I wondered if he could see me shaking.

Sissy!

Shaking in your pants.

Worse than a girl!

Simoné's surprise shook in my hand.

You could hear the newspaper.

"What's this!?"

He grabbed Simoné's packet from my hand and walked away.

Ha-ah.

Look at that.

You are worth less.

Shaking the packet to his ear.

His eyes never leave mine.

Go on.

P!ss yourself!

He gave the packet one last shake and threw it to the ground.

Stepped on it.

Look at that.

Ha-ah.

Rammed it properly flat.

And you're just going to look.

All my hard work.

Just like that.

Destroyed.

Poor, poor baby.

You going to cry now.

He still smiled and watched me intently.

I felt like that day.

The day he humiliated me in front of the entire school

I saw myself lying there in the mud again.

Screaming like a girl.

With my hands clutching my jewels.

Awe!

Awe!

*Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwweeee*

Mommy, he hurt my jewels.

Boo.

The anger boiled from deep within me.

I stepped firmer into the ground.

I clenched my fists.

Just held them to my sides.

Who are you trying to fool?

Wuss.

Wussy.

Pussy!

Coward!

My eyes began to burn with tears.

Mommy, I want to cry.

Tears of sadness.

Tears of absolute anger.

Boo.

Boooooooooo.

*Ooooooooooooooooooo*

I watched him.

Today is the day.

Told you.

Mark my words, Coloured.

Then everything went red.

ix

"Sherwynne!

Sherwynne!"

Her voice was frantic.

I looked at Simoné.

The large, heavy rock, still in both my hands.

Georgie was lying on the ground.

His clothes were muddy.

His arms protecting his face and head.

He was crying.

"Please, Sherwynne.

Enough.

No more.

He is not worth it."

Her voice was pleading.

I just watched her.

She looked scared.

Concerned.

Her smile was gone.

I dropped the rock.

Georgie got up quickly.

His nose and mouth still bleeding.

With his right hand, he covered his right eye.

With his left hand, he supported the small of his back.

"Going... (spits blood)... to get you.

Bloody whitey!"

He ran away.

Limping.

Simoné came closer to me, but I moved backwards.

Then I turned and ran in the direction of the train tracks.

***

Nia's expression seemed even more confused.

She still looked me straight in the eyes.

I did not know what to say.

The only way, was to show her.

"Open the chest.

Only you and I can open it.

Remember?"

I took the necklace out of my pocket.

It has two charms on it.

One is a bird.

Thé other is St. Christopher.

"You sent it to me.

After..."

She looked me in my eyes again.

Slight smile.

But also a straight pull of her lips.

She shakes her head, as if she remembered.

"They are the keys to the lock.

They fit into the two slots there.

Put them in."

Slowly she took the charms from me.

Looked me straight in the eyes first.

I can honestly look into these eyes forever.

Now, they are so full of expectation.

Uhm.

I hope she likes the surprise.

Slowly she puts the two charms into the slots.

First the bird.

Then St. Christopher.

The bird was so I should go free.

St. Christopher was for protection.

This all according to her.

Just as well.

We will need protection.

Oh, Lord.

Be with us.

Protect her.

Please.

The lock opens with a soft click.

* Click *

She looks at me again.

Then she lifts the lid open.

Immediately music starts playing.

Soft piano and cello.

Every now and then there is a ting.

*Ting*

Chimes.

Almost like a music box.

Nia looked very surprised.

She put her hand on her mouth.

"Do you remember the song?"

Nia looked at me, as if to say, yes.

"Zing! Auditions.

2002.

That's when I saw you the second time."

At the Windhoek Country Club.

Windhoek, Namibia.

"You were listening to the couple who were busy rehearsing.

You sang the song with them, as if you wrote the words yourself.

But you did not.

How could you?

You only met them that day.

But something about this song had you captivated.

You looked as if you were singing it to someone.

Someone special.

You were beautiful.

All the eyes were definitely on you.

You with your tall body.

White-blonde locks, flowing curls, like a lion's mane.

Draped over your chest.

Those big...

Uhm.

Yeah.

Umf.

Patricia Lewis has competition.

Although you sound more like Alanis.

Purple, orange silk dress, with the green and black stockings.

Those stilettos.

Wow!

You looked breath-taking.

And so bright.

Confident."

She looked at me.

Amazed.

"All true.

You know it.

I saw you and immediately hid behind one of the oryx statues in the lobby.

You were on the sofa opposite Sweets from Heaven. "

Umf.

"I was afraid you'd recognize me.

Was afraid you would make a scene in front of all the people.

I could not deal with a Mr Sexy legs yelling.

Not at that moment.

Umf.

Hahaha!

I was very nervous that day.

I was there as guitar accompaniment for a guy who was with me at the College of the Arts.

Was afraid there would be a harsh, direct dude like Simon Cowell.

Shatter my last bit of confidence.

Had no reason to be nervous.

The guy never auditioned.

He was too shy.

I didn't argue with him.

I was really relieved.

The song's name is Always with you.

The couple wrote it themselves.

Numeri and Kritzman.

Cousins.

Pity you didn't find it worth your while to get to know them better.

Two of the kindest people you'll ever meet.

Really dependable.

Look.

They gave me the lyrics and even autographed it.

Look."

Nia lifted the frame.

Above is a photo of her and me at the gardens in Windhoek.

Parliament gardens.

We were there for her birthday.

Below the picture, were the lyrics.

Nia bit her lip and closed her eyes.

As if the cello took her on some memory trip.

She opened her eyes and looked at me.

Shy smile.

Doe eyes fluttering.

"That was your last birthday we spent together.

I still remember it very well.

You and your green dress."

Ha-ha.

"Not even startled by the salamanders. Only you would try to catch them."

Umf.

My sweetpea.

Girl doesn't have a scared bone in her body.

*Ting*

"The box is empty.

But if you open it and think of me, you can climb in."

Nia looked at me.

Confused.

Her eyes open.

Pupils still large.

"The chest is made so that only you can get into the box.

It's not magic.

No sorcery or spells."

Story will never get Walt Disney's stamp of approval.

"It's the connection that you and I have.

Those unsaid words that reach us, though we are miles apart.

That part of the email that asks what you had for breakfast, and then I deleted.

You then respond and answer my question exactly where the question was before I deleted it.

Brackets and all.

That connection.

That is what makes it possible.

Obviously not love, because you do not love me like that..."

Wonder what it is.

Nia looked away and closed her eyes.

She pressed the frame hard against her chest.

Opened her eyes again.

"Maybe this will help you remember."

I took Nia's cell out of the packet I got ready for her.

"You're ringtone for me.

You know.

Peek-a-boo, peek-a-boo, I see-you.

Umf."

*Peek-a-boo, peek-a-boo, I see-you*

*Ting*

"Under normal circumstances, I would never have to go in with you, but..."

Nia looked me in the eye.

The frame still close to her chest.

"Since that... evening, access is restricted.

And.

He.

He... could get in.

And he didn't waste any time.

Not a drop of sand in the hour glass.

No.

No, no, no.

He is looking for it.

He wants it for himself.

That which I have got to show you.

He wants me to hate God.

Forever.

Uhm."

I looked into Nia's brown eyes.

Beautiful doe eyes.

"We should be quick, Nia.

Please.

Listen only to me.

They are conniving.

Take my hand if you must.

If you open your eyes again, you will see.

I promise.

Think of me and you can climb in."

*Peek-a-boo, peek-a-boo, I see-you*

*Ting*

End of Chapter 4

Utopia

i

"Welcome, Nia.

Welcome to your prosperous kingdom.

Everything here sings only your praise."  
Nia stood silent.  
Her unmatched socks pulled up to below her knees.  
Her right arm protectively around her waist.  
With her left hand, she shielded her eyes from The Bright.  
"A hat for My Fair Lady."  
I could barely see the hummingbird's wings.  
Only the white breast with the deep-purple feathers around the neck and head.  
Even the long bill looked purple.  
On the head a few green feathers too.  
Gold patches closer to the tail.  
It even surprised me to see how the little claws held onto the large hat.

The purple legs and claws clearly visible as it clutched the white ribbon.  
"Go ahead, Nia. Take it from him. "  
Nia continued to shield her eyes with her left hand and took the straw hat from the hummingbird.  
She looked amazed.  
"May the rays of my love always keep you warm, My Fair Lady.  
I am My Lady's willing slave."  
His voice sounded almost like one who speaks through his nose.  
And with "Aaaaaaaaaah, My Fair Lady... Beautiful," he disappeared amongst the trees.  
Nia still looked confused.

*Beautiful*

She put the hat on her head and for the first time relaxed both her arms along her sides.  
With the short hair covered by the hat, her face was more prominent.  
Porcelain skin.  
Those doe eyes.  
Purple-black flowers.  
She was beautiful.  
She made the khakis look sexy.  
"Take your time.  
Adjust a little.  
Feel the grass.  
Maybe it will help.  
Feel.  
All real.  
Really."  
Nia went down slowly.  
Weight on her right foot.  
Left knee on the grass.  
Slowly her left hand reached out to the grass.  
The grass was bright green and thick.  
But not long.  
Not that it was cut.  
Short, but still wild.  
"Do you hear?"  
Nia looked at me.  
The big round straw hat fit her nicely.  
Her face was confused.  
Suddenly as if she heard something, she looked down.  
"My Fair Lady!"  
"My Fair Lady!"  
"No, My Fair Lady!"  
The voices sounded like babies talking.  
"My Fair Lady!"  
Hundreds of voices.  
All at once.  
"My Fair Lady!"  
Nia smiled broadly.  
Her fingers caressed the grass more.  
"My Fair Lady.  
May My Fair Lady's future always be as green as grass.  
I am My Lady's willing slave."  
"No! I am My Fair Lady!"

"No! I am My Fair Lady!"  
"Me, too!"

Nia now had both hands in the grass.

The baby voices just praising away.

Some were high pitched.

A few groaned.

But baby voices; they moaned.

But you only heard them if you held your head close to the grass.

Nia put her fingers hard into the patch right in front of her.

Ripped out a handful in both hands.

The grass left the soil effortlessly.

You could clearly see two patches of rich, black soil where the grass was a few seconds ago.

As if ripped out roots and all.

It gave its all.

The grass was her willing slave.

Nia held both hands up under her nose.

Took a deep breath in.

Held it for a few seconds.

She seemed to be remembering something.

The expression on her face was that of a bitter sweet memory.

She smiled.

But she didn't show her teeth.

Then, she threw her head back.

Her pretty head smack in the middle of the round straw hat.

Her eyes as the stigma of a flower.

Two stigmata.

The long, black lashes, fine anthers round the stigmata.

Make-up leaving her dark purple irises.

Black.

The make-up gets lighter as it nears her eyebrows.

To a light purple.

Then white-lavender.

The porcelain skin.

You could barely see Nia's eyebrows.

It was as white as her hair.

Hard to see against the white skin.

Almost as if they were not there.

But believe me, they were.

Thick and beautiful, with a prominent sharp point.

The hat as a solid petal.

Nia was beautiful.

The Queen was here.

I had butterflies in my stomach.

I was nervous.

Never thought I would be.

Never thought she would see this.

Utopia.

She was here.

I felt a drop of sweat form at the side of my head.

Trickle down my neck.

Uneasy.

Down the middle of my back.

Into my shirt.

Yes.

Nia then threw the grass into the air over her head.

"Hooray!"

"Hooray!"

"Hooray!"

"Nia!"

"Nia!"

"Nia is here!

Spread the joyous news!

My Fair Lady is here!"

Hundreds of baby voices.

Some of the grass went into the air.

Like being carried away by a silent wind from beneath the trees.

Just "Hoorays! Nia is here!" as they were blown away.

A few fell back.

But as it fell about Nia, it turned into gold dust.

"I am My Lady's willing slave."

Poof!

Gone.

Nia, smiled, but at the same time, she seemed more confused.

"Come.

Come and see."

ii

Nia rose and walked towards me.

The grass started growing back slowly.

We walked from under the trees.

Nia to my right.

The light was much brighter here than under the trees.

She closed her eyes.

"Turn around and look back."

Nia turned around and opened her eyes slowly.

"It's the tiny cabin. It forms part of one of the main arteries of the heart, in the small room, in the tiny cabin."

Nia looked confused.

Darn!

"What do you mean, Sher?"

The high notes of Nia's voice took my breath away.

I could not believe it.

I could hear her.

I could hear her.

I could hear her.

After all these months of desperation just to hear her voice.

I could hear her.

Her voice high, but never unpleasant.

How was this possible?

How was this possible?

But why bother figuring that out now.

"I mean... (Gulp!)... what you see here..."

I was suddenly very aware of myself.

"Uhm."

Uhm.

"The cabin... with the thatched roof... the wooden porch...the dock at the lake.

It is directly linked to the chest... in the tiny room we were in... seconds ago.

Do you remember?"

"The leaping heart. Yes."

Nia seemed to register.

She looked at me for a moment.

Doe eyes fluttering.

Shy smile.

"The velvet chest. It's beautiful, Sherwin. How long did it take you to make it?"

"Not long. Two years. The varnish was most of the work."

I scratched my head and looked away.

"Wow, the detail is fantastic. It looks so... real. The paws of the lion are impressive. Like a lion in his prime. Strong. The veins so prominent. The angels with bows and arrows. It's more that they look like little children with wings."

She looked into my eyes.

"Where does all this come from?"

I looked at her.

I didn't know what to do with my hands.

I put them in the pockets of my short pants.

"I never knew you were so good with your hands."

She smiled.

Doe eyes fluttering.

"Sher... Are you blushing?"

"Don't be silly," I said and looked away embarrassed.

I was not prepared for this at all.

Never thought she would be here.

Really be here.

Present.

She narrowed her eyes and pointed at me with her finger.

"Sherwin EsterhuiZEN.

You forget!

You are lily white!

No matter how hard you might try, those red cheeks, you cannot hide!

It's just who you are.

When you blush, your cheeks go red.

Like ripe strawberries on cream."

With that, she steps forward and unexpectedly runs her hand through my hair.

The first tremor started at the tip of my little toe.

I could clearly feel it.

The next tremor started at the point, next to my head, where she touched me.

I felt the two tremors move towards each other.

The one from my head, down my neck, along my spine.

The one from my little toe moved up my leg.

Along the inside of my thigh.

Till where it met the other in the pit of my stomach.

My stomach began to tremble.

I could not control it.

Let alone stop it.

I wondered if she could see it.

Could not hide it, because my hands were in my pockets.

Would also not be ideal to take them out.

Suddenly.

It might make her aware.

Perhaps she hasn't noticed anything.

I doubted it.

I felt how the tears welled up in my eyes.

Slowly.

I was beside myself.

I wanted to cry.

I felt like crying.

It was as if the tears came from the pit of my stomach.

Like they were the cause for my stomach trembling.

I fought hard to hold them back.

Hard.

It took every ounce of me.

If she only knew.

How dearly I wanted her to stroke her fingers through my hair.

Just one last time.

Exactly like she did now.

With her doe eyes fluttering.

As if they were only fluttering for me.

"I like your hair long and curly.

The thick, white-blond curls fit your face."

She smiled and stroked her hand even harder into my hair and pressed it to my neck.

No.

I cannot.

"Come see."

I turned around and pointed with my right hand.

"Look."

Nia turned her body.

She seems to have adapted to The Bright more.

She was no longer trying to shield her eyes.

I still felt like crying.

The trembling in my stomach much less.

But the tremors remained, none the less.

The tears, at least, remained.

Boys don't cry.

Nia walked a little more forward and then stopped.

Lifted her head, as if she was stunned.

"Sherwin! Seriously!? Is it..? "

She didn't say the word.

Only the stunned look.

"Daisies, yes.

White and purple.

The other, white and yellow.

Just as you like them."

I tried to keep my voice evenly.

The lump in my throat made it difficult.

Almost impossible.

The sweat was dripping more and more down my back.

We will have to move.

I can feel it.

My shirt was wet.

Before I could stop her, Nia took the straw hat from her head, and threw it into the air.

She then ran forward.

"Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee..!"

Into the daisy field.

iii

For Britney Spears

Play me a song. Pretty please.

I followed her.

It is really bright here.

Everything appeared to be clearer, as if it is more prominent.

Nia went down the hill.

Cartwheels through the daisies.

She looked in her element.

I saw it in the distance.

It's getting closer.

I could see the heat.

But no flames.

The fire was still far behind the hill.

I jogged down the hill, after Nia, to try and get her to stand still.

She really doesn't understand the danger we are in.

But I didn't want to spoil Utopia for her.

It was hers, after all.

The fire was still far away.

Relax.

He does not come near The Bright.

"Weeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!! Weeeee!!! Wee!

*Weeeeeeeeeee*

Sherwin, Sherwin! It's wonderful!

Come.

Let's roll through the daisies down the hill.

To the water."

Umf.

"Sorry, but no.

My stomach can't handle that."

"Scaredy cat.

Prrrrrrt!"

Stuck her tongue out and smiled at me.

*Prrrrt*

At least she stopped cartwheeling.

She quietly, and slowly, started turning in circles on one spot.

She stood for a moment.

Her eyes tightly shut.

She opened them slowly and looked around her.

Seemed to be taking everything in, but at the same time, as if she was in a world of her own.

The daisies grew all along the hill, down to the water.

It is a river that runs behind the hill.

It runs along the trees.

To the tiny cabin.

The daisies grew up the hill again.

The daisy field is sort of in a valley.

I started sowing them in 2002.

The third time I saw her.

At the College of the Arts in Windhoek.

Namibia.

Just shortly after the whole Zing! thing.

I had just taken my guitar out to practice a few chords, when I saw her.

I was on the stairs in front of the entrance to the College.

She sat on the wall next to the sidewalk.

She kept wiping tears from her eyes.

She was crying.

Wonder why the pretty girl is crying like that.

It saddened me to see such a sight.

I put my guitar back in its sleeve and watched her.

School children were on the lawn and a bunch on the stairs.

Noisy and loud.

Real noise polluters.

They all sounded like Americans.

Their accents.

Wondered where the people learned to speak English like that.

Definitely the TV and Hip-Hop.

Umf.

Some were really cocky.

So young and so opinionated.

But they did not matter.

The fair, white haired girl had all my attention.

I picked a flower from the small garden, just to the right of the stairs and walked slowly over to her.

She was quite oblivious to everyone around her.

I approached her from the side.

To her left, I sat on the wall next to her.

Just far enough as to not be in her space.

"A daisy for a pretty lady."

I put my hand out to her.

She looked at me.

Slightly surprised.

Quickly, she wiped more tears from her eyes.

She sobbed.

Her eyes were red.

Red.

"Daisy..."

Her voice was slightly croaky.

You could hear the sadness in her voice.

A sadness that I could not describe.

"They are my favourite.

*Sob*

Especially the white and purple."

She took the daisy from me.

Wiped more tears from her eyes, but she stopped crying.

The sniffling continued.

"I like the white and yellow too."

She smelled it.

She then looked at me.

Eyes red, but the tears were gone.

She watched me, and suddenly, as if she recognized me.

"It's you. The handsome guy with the sexy legs."

Umf.

Handsome guy?

Uhm uhm uhm.

You're on fi-ya.

Only you see stuff like that.

Something must be wrong with your eyes.

"What's your name again?"

"Sherwin," I replied.

"Yes. I remember. My name is Marnia.

Are you also at the College?"

No longer sniffling.

"Yes. Guitar."

I lifted my guitar onto my lap.

"Hey! A guitarist!!"

She smiled broadly.

Beautiful, white teeth.

"Play me a song.

Pretty, please."

Red, red eyes.

Sad puppy face.

How could I say no?

I took my guitar out of its sleeve.

"What do you want to hear?"

At first, she just looked at me.

Then.

"Surprise me."

Her face was still very sad.

What could have upset the poor girl so terribly?

The dark-eyed, white-haired flower.

I watched her for a moment, while quickly tuning the guitar.

Loosened my fingers.

She smiled.

I started playing.

I have never played the guitar for a girl before.

Definitely not a Boer girl.

I wasn't nervous at all.

I could barely feel the tender parts of my fingertips hurting.

I just played.

I preferred not to use a pick.

I didn't feel connected to the instrument as much using it.

It didn't feel right somehow.

Marnia watched me.

Shy smile.

Those red eyes, barely open.

She seemed much less sad.

For no reason at all.

I was glad.

For Britney

**May you never cry like that again. It saddened my heart to see you cry like that. Remember, God loves you very much. Salaam, Khaleel**

iv

My shirt was soaked at the back.

Not as much under my arms though.

Most of the sweat was from the back of my head and neck.

I could feel a slight headache.

Subtle.

Nia seemed perfectly fine though.

Not a sign that she is hot at all.

She was still standing in the same spot.

Arms stretched out to her sides.

She seemed really happy.

It was just me.

Utopia and I are one.

Whatever happens to it happens to me.

I hoped we would be in time.

Please, Lord.

Let him not get to it first.

I beg You.

"Do you like it, Nia?"

It was much easier to speak.

The trembling in my stomach had completely subsided.

Tears forgotten.

I walked to stand beside her.

"Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!

I absolutely do, Sherwin.

It's much prettier than the Namaqualand's.

And I love that their all mixed up."

Nia pronounced all the words.

Sort of emphasising it with her tone.

She sounded excited to tell me.

Her doe eyes were fluttering.

"Pick one."

I was less nervous.

I motioned with my hand to the ones on her left.

She smiled at me.

Naughty smile.

She then went down.

"Pick me, My Fair Lady!"

The voice sounded sharp.

Nia sort of got a fright.

"No, he is still young, My Fair Lady.

Pick me.

My stigma is much larger and smells much nicer than his yellow odour."

This voice was more like a boy whose voice was maturing.

"Not!

Not true, My Fair Lady!

He is a has-been!

I smell much subtler than his heavy, purple has-been stigma!"

Nia seemed to be enjoying this.

She stroked her fingers gently through the daisies.

They immediately started giggling.

"Umf.

That tickles, My Fair Lady.

*Giggles*

"My Fair Lady.

Soft hands.

Ticklish."

*Giggles*

Nia smiled broadly.

They giggled more.

*Giggles*

She went with her finger.

Inky.

"Me, me, me!

Me, My Fair Lady!"

*Giggles*

Pinkie.

"Pick me, My Fair Lady!"

*Giggles Louder*

Ponky.

*Giggles*

Nia picked the white and yellow.

"I am My Lady's willing slave."

*Giggles*

"Me too."

*Giggles*

Then all the voices went silent.

Nia smelled it.

*Giggles*

Then looked at me.

Doe eyes fluttering.

"Come.

There is much more to see.

Come."

I tried to sound as casual as possible.

But it was difficult.

My head was already trying to figure out a route to get us to it safely.

Her castle.

We would have to stay in The Bright.

Unfortunately we would have to go through Protected-Dreams-Forest.

And there The Bright was not.

God help us.

"Come.

Back up the hill.

This way."

v

Doof doof.

Doof doof.

DoofDoofDoof!

DoDoDoof!

DOOF!!

DOOF!!

DOOF!!

DoDoDOOF!!

DO! DO! DO! DO! DOOF!!

"Please, Nia."

Please, Lord.

DO! DO! DO! DO! DOOF!!

DoDoDOOF!!

DOOF!!

DOOF!!

DOOF!!

"Sweetpea, I beg you."

DOOF!!

DOOF!!

DOOF!!

DOOF!!

DOOF!!

DOOF!!

DoDoDOOF!!

DoDoDOOF!!

DoDoDOOF!!

DO! DO! DO! DO! DOOF!!

"Nia..."

Lord, please help me.

Please make it stop.

It hurts, my Lord.

It hurts.

Please.

I beg, You.

DOOF!!

DoDoDOOF!!

DoDoDOOF!!

DoDoDOOF!!

DO! DO! DO! DO! DOOF!!

DOOF!!

DO! DO! DO! DO! DOOF!!

DoDoDOOF!!

DOOF!!

DOOF!Doof!

Doofdoof.

Doof.

vi

"Are you okay?"

Nia came skipping up the last bit of the hill.

"Yes. I am perfect!"

She blew me a kiss.

I grabbed it and put it to my heart.

I looked for any signs of the fire.

I did not want Nia to see it.

There was nothing.

Just the heat in the distance.

Almost like it was approaching from all sides.

Left.

Right.

Even the sky.

My shirt was now properly soaked.

It felt uncomfortable on me.

I felt like taking it off.

Umf.

Rather not.

As much as I loved Nia, I had never taken my shirt off in front of her.

Didn't want her to see my pigeon chest.

Absolutely flat.

They don't deserve to be called pecs at all.

But I was hot.

*Shu*

I wiped the sweat from my forehead.

The salt was irritating my eyes.

I was becoming more aware of the headache.

It was still very subtle.

But it was gaining strength, rather than call it a day.

"Where are you taking me next, Sherwin?

I would love to see more of this place."

I just had to be sure.

"Nia?"

"Yes, Sher?"

She looked at me.

Those doe eyes fluttering.

"Do you remember what I told you about this place?"

She smiled.

Rolled her eyes.

She put the white and yellow daisy behind her right ear.

"It's very dangerous.

There are... things."

She makes her hands like claws and shows me her teeth like she's a cat.

* Hrrrrrrrg! Sssssssshhhh!*

More a hiss.

"Yes, yes."

She rolls her eyes again.

"You told me.

I should only listen to you.

Are you happy?

Don't know why you are so worried.

Everything seems perfectly normal.

Actually, better than normal.

Oh, Sherwin.

Please.

Just show me more.

Pretty, please."

The sad puppy face.

But immediately a broad smile.

I still had to be sure.

"Nia.

What year is it?"

"Boy, you really are being silly.

It's 2010 of course!"

It's her then.

How was all this possible?

I wondered if she remembers that we saw each other almost two years last.

I mean.

This Nia.

The one with me in Utopia.

I would let it be.

For now.

Nia or not.

She was the key.

And only she.

"Come.

This way.

It leads to Gritty-Stones-For-Cracked-Heels-Pass.

Come."

I was just about to lead the way.

"My Fair Lady!

Don't forget your hat!

It's bright, My Fair Lady.

Take your hat!

May my love always keep you warm."

He made a bow and held out the hat towards Nia.

It was an albino squirrel.

White as snow.

Eyes red.

Really red.

Nia took it from him.

She looked stunned.

Slowly she reached out to the squirrel.

It lifted its head up, towards Nia's hand.

But it kept looking down.

It allowed Nia to touch his head.

She gently scratched its head.

"God speed, My Fair Lady.

Remember to wear your hat!

I am your willing slave."

His voice was soft.

Really gentle.

It made one last bow.

Then ran up one of the trees near the tiny cabin.

Nia put the hat on her pretty head and looked at me.

"Sherwin, I really love this."

"Come."

vii

Nia didn't show any signs of tiring.

She had a big smile on her face.

She has really adapted well to The Bright.

She was tippy toeing as usual.

She seemed to be whistling something to herself.

I kept looking for signs.

Signs of heat.

Signs of flames.

The fire.

My headache was now hard to ignore.

It felt as if it throbbed from behind my eye.

Both the right and left.

My back was wet.

So too, was my head.

Strange that Nia hasn't noticed anything.

She must still think I'm sweating 'cause of the show.

Umf.

We were not too far from Gritty-Stones-For-Cracked-Heels-Pass.

It was just right of Daisy-Valley.

Along some.

Wait and see.

I kept looking for signs of The Dark as well.

It showed up at unexpected places.

You see.

The more I longed for Nia.

The bigger Utopia got.

And.

So could his domain.

In those places that are dead.

Nia is gone.

She is disappearing.

Utopia screams for her in the fire.

It gives its all in The Dark.

When I looked again.

Nia had skipped off.

To the left.

Towards the fire.

I ran after her.

She suddenly stopped and hunched on her knees.

"Nia."

"Sssshhhhh."

* Sssshhhhh*

She put a finger to her mouth.

Motioned me to sit next to her.

On her left.

She pointed to a spot to our right.

"Look."

She whispered.

I loved that.

Her whisper.

She could whisper anything into my ear.

I looked in the direction she was pointing.

"The lavender is mine!"

Screamed the black sock.

It was one of those with five toes.

It seemed to be running on three.

The big toe and the two next to that.

As it reached the edge of what looked like a small pool of purple milk, it stepped onto the small toe and the toe to the left of that and lifted the other three into the air.

It then went twirling into the air as if it was a ball.

The toes all rolled in towards the heal.

It then went all toes straight.

Dwoof!

*Dwoof*

Into the purple pool.

It disappeared completely.

All you could see were ripples in the purple.

Then it poked out its big toe.

Seemed to be looking around like it was a telescope of a submarine.

As if the all clear was there, the rest of the toes emerged.

Then.

"Sta-Soft! Sta-Soft!

My Fair Lady loves me in Sta-soft!"

He had a sort of husky voice.

Suddenly, from behind what looked like big leaves of a plant, more socks emerged.

A yellow and blue sock rolled down a leaf and dropped straight into a pool of orange milk.

"My Fair Lady loves me in peach!"

Dwoof!

*Dwoof*

Just orange milk into the air.

Nia had an astonished look on her face.

She almost did not seem to be blinking.

Her eyes open.

Wide.

I was close enough to see her eyebrows.

I could see the small scar at the tip of her left one.

She had hit her head.

Clumsy.

Or dazed?

I couldn't be sure.

I hadn't known her all too well then.

She had invited me over for supper.

This would be my first visit to her place.

I was not nervous at all.

I enjoyed Nia's company.

I made full use of every opportunity I got.

If she said 18:00, I would be at the door at 17:00 just not to be late.

Nia did something to me.

I couldn't explain.

On what looked like a rock, a brown sock was sitting with a needle.

It was trying to mend a hole.

"My Fair Lady, loves me just the way I am.

Holes and all.

My Fair Lady.

She is the Brightest of them All.

Loves me holes and all.

Still I try to mend this hole.

For her, I always want to be whole.

My Fair Lady loves me just the way I am.

With her I am whole."

"Poor, baby.

Mending his hurt feelings."

Nia whispered.

Sarcastic.

Ha-ha-ha.

I liked that.

A lot.

My girl wasn't easily fooled by soppy stories.

That sock had it exactly right.

My Fair Lady is definitely the Brightest of them All.

She checked you out first.

Never revealed her ace.

She was cunning.

Always a step ahead.

Ha-ha-ha.

My sweetpea.

"Real Drama Queen.

Just like you."

"Hahahahahaha!!"

I couldn't help but laugh out loud.

*Hahahaha!*

She looks at me with those doe eyes.

Fluttering.

"My Fair Lady!"

A small white sock shouted.

"You always come just when you mean to."

"Listen to this one.

All white and smooth talking.

Small hypocrite, I'll bet."

That right there!

Ha-ha.

My girl's sharp today.

The mood swings.

Ha-ha-ha.

She laughed and leaned closer to the sock, just a bit to the right of us.

It was standing on a small, open spot.

Soil, but no plants or shrubs.

Surrounded by grass.

"The grassbabies told us that you are here.

This is indeed joyous news, My Fair Lady!

We have a special surprise for you.

I remain your willing slave."

It folds and stays like that for a while.

Bowing.

"Surprise?"

She looks at the sock totally taken.

It rises.

"May I present."

Seems to clear its throat a bit.

"The always soppy!"

The sock's voice boomed.

Surprisingly for something so small.

"The boys that love themselves some drama!"

*Lovvvvvvvvvvvvvvvve*

"Not more than they love their Queen!"

*Got that right!*

The deep voice shouted from somewhere behind the big plant leaves.

Quite loud.

"My Fair Lady!

Theeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Drama Queeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeens!"

As if announcing a heavy weight boxing match.

Four socks emerge from behind a tree and slowly moves to the open ground.

Whisteling.

Familiar tune.

They were all black and white striped socks.

Can these socks whistle.

Nia definitely enjoyed it.

She was whistling too.

She knew the tune.

The socks know her well.

"I've got sunshine.

On a cloudy day."

*Sunshiiiiiiii-e-iiiiiiiiiine*

"Sher! My girl!

Woooooo-hooooooooooo!"

*Whistle whistle whistle*

Nia was excited.

Really ecstatic.

My girl was one of her favourite songs.

And that made me love her more.

She was definitely my girl.

My Fair Lady.

My sweetpea.

Suddenly.

"Abuh buh buh buh.

Abuh buh buh buh.

Abuh buh buh buh."

These voices came from behind the tree.

The black and purple sock turned and it was almost like it was upset.

It kept singing though.

"I guess, you say, what can make me feel this way..."

*My girl*

*My girl*

"My girl!"

"Abuh buh buh buh .

Abuh buh buh buh.

Abuh buh buh buh."

The same voices from behind the tree.

Nia looked.

Curious.

"All I want!"

This voice, again, took Nia by surprise.

It sounded almost like the white and yellow daisy.

Sharp.

High pitched.

But Nia smiled.

"Abuh buh buh buh ."

"All I need!"

"Abuh buh buh buh."

"No! No! No!"

Shouted the black and purple sock.

It shrivelled up a bit.

"It's not your turn yet!"

"Abuh buh buh buh.

Abuh buh buh buh.

Abuh buh buh buh."

"I want you back!"

The black and purple sock turns around.

Totally puffed up.

I didn't think a sock could ever look upset.

This one did.

Coiled and stretched.

Like the cotton threads were ready to snap.

Creases around the purple tip.

Most of the leg like it was inflated.

Just below the purple that touched the knees, it was squeezed tight.

Like the purple was being choked.

But it was a fist.

The hole totally open at the top.

It then belted out a loud scream.

As if sharpened by the grip of the choke.

"You never listen!"

Nia shook her head.

"Here we go.

Just like you."

She smirks.

"Why don't you ever listen to me?"

"Abuh buh buh buh.

Abuh buh buh buh.

Abuh buh buh buh."

The voices from behind the tree just carried on.

Ignoring the pleas of the black and purple sock.

The black and white striped ones stopped singing.

Cowered in a corner.

All took out needles and started mending.

Their holes.

"You never listen to me."

All of them whining.

"You never never listen."

They hid under the plant leaves.

A few were hard to hear.

They were just mumbling.

"God, why can't you just listen?"

Almost a whisper.

"Abuh buh buh buh."

"I want you back!"

The voices from behind the tree much louder.

They slowly emerged from behind the tree.

Three rainbow coloured socks.

They were her favourite.

Nia went completely girly when she sees or talks about rainbows.

Starts talking coochie-coochie-coo stuff.

Starts seeing pink elephants that poops butterflies and they cough up bubbles that turn to jelly tots.

She could actually taste them too.

Goochie-coochie-chewy.

Mmmmmmm.

Pumpkin pies and honeybuns.

Umf.

Girls.

Definitely from Venus.

Bright star and all.

Much worse as they get older.

Very s-e-riu-o-s.

The mood swings.

Nia most certainly had them

My sweetpea.

Fair Lady.

My Fair Lady.

Nia had already lost a few, socks; that's why they were few.

And odd.

"Look."

Nia whispered.

Almost in my ear.

I loved that.

She pointed to the socks cowering in the corner.

Behind the leaves.

Before I could look, the three rainbow socks stopped singing.

"Why are you looking at them, My Fair Lady?

I thought I was your favourite!"

The sharp voice.

Much pitchy-er.

Almost like it was about to throw a fit.

A tantrum.

"I thought I was your forever."

The one in the middle whispered.

Took out a needle and started mending.

It looked pathetic.

Totally limp.

Like it had no life in it any more.

Almost sad.

Hanging on the ground.

"You don't love me anymore!"

The two that were standing yelled almost at once.

Sharp.

*Peek-a-boo*

*Whisper*

"What did I do wrong!?

Tell me. Is it me?"

Nia was laughing hard at this point.

She was lying on her back.

I loved it when Nia was like this.

Like she didn't have a care in the world.

Free.

Care free.

For her I would embarrass myself.

Anytime.

Only to make her laugh like this.

My Fair Lady.

Tippy toes.

Fairy.

Doe eyes.

Fluttering.

Fluttering only for me.

Snap out of it.

*Snap*

I had to be careful.

I was starting to fall.

Again.

No.

Not again.

I can't.

My headache was pounding.

Hard.

Just behind my eyes.

We have to move.

"Come, let's go."

I tried to sound casual.

I was confused though.

*I see-you*

*Whisper*

Nia was still laughing out loud.

Tears rolling down her face.

Didn't blame her.

It sure was a pathetic performance.

Real drama queens.

Barely made it through the songs.

Stopped right at Nia's favourite parts.

Probably revenge.

Umf.

Ha-ha-ha!

The socks had a personality of their own.

Utopia and I are one.

Enough said.

Ha-ha.

"Come. Before they show us how they make soap."

"What soap?"

Nia stopped laughing.

Took some effort.

She was in stitches.

"Sorry, sorry."

She said.

"Those socks under the leaves were just too funny.

Burying their heads in the ground like that.

Haha!

Like ostriches.

Leaves like wings."

Still laughing out loud.

But she quickly stopped.

"Sorry, Sher.

Tell me about the soap."

"Are you serious?"

We really didn't have time for this.

I was sweating much more than before.

Headache pounding like crazy.

*Peek-a-boo*

*Whispers louder*

"Yes.

Pretty, please."

Sad puppy face.

I loved that face.

Doe eyes fluttering.

How could I say no.

"Look."

I pointed at a stream to our left.

"Put your backs into it!"

Barking.

Deep voice.

Loud.

"That's not how you make Boer-soap!

Put your backs into it.

I'll smack you with this whip!"

It was swinging what looked like some dried grass.

Poor secret socks.

All with twigs.

Stirring away.

Didn't seem to mind the barking.

No.

"It's not hot enough."

They were whining.

"Where's the fat?

More please, more.

Make sure it's soft!"

Whines.

"Is that?"

"Yes."

I interrupted.

Shuuu.

*Shuuu*

Best you don't know.

"And that's the caustic soda."

Nia looked.

Astonished.

Six, big brown socks were pouring lots of caustic soda into the fat.

The others were stirring.

"Not so much, soda!"

Whining.

"Softer."

Whinier.

"Backs into it!

This is Boer-soap!

No Omo, mo' Surf or Maq is your friend.

No!

Only the best for My Fair Lady.

Colours bright!

Whites white!

Boer-soap, Boer-soap!

My Fair Lady loves Boer-soap!"

Loudest.

Whiniest.

Nia was smiling, but she didn't find this funny.

No.

She looked amazed.

If there was one thing Nia obsessed about, it was Boer-soap.

Made it herself.

Of course.

She was a farm girl.

After all.

Real Boer-girl.

Always complaining about her hands.

Itching.

Like the skin was slightly eaten away.

The effects of the soda.

Boer-soap sure made colours bright and kept whites white.

But it damaged the skin.

And.

It damaged the fabric.

But Nia obsessed away.

Obsess.

Socks kept disappearing.

Nia could obsess.

Those that remained were always busy mending.

Mending their hurt feelings.

Holes caused by her obsession.

I loved this about Nia.

Her obsession with Boer-soap.

My sweetpea.

Obsessed.

She'll be the death of me.

"Come. We should really get going."

The headache pounded.

I was hot.

"Come, this way."

"Backs into it."

Whining.

Real drama queen.

*I see-you*

*Whispers*

"No wait. Look!"

I knew this was going to hold us up.

Nia pointed to a few socks that were busy washing themselves near the edge of the stream.

If anything, Nia enjoyed doing washing.

She took a whole day off, just to do her washing.

And to see these socks in action, seemed to fascinate her.

I wondered if looking at the socks washing themselves was the same as washing them herself.

She said she found it therapeutic.

It was one of the things she enjoyed doing the most.

All lost in her thoughts, while keeping her colours bright and her whites white.

"Look, Sher. Isn't that cute. Is that a pine cone?"

I nodded.

Yes.

Nia put her hand to her mouth.

A blue sock lay stretched out across the pine cone.

It looked like it was lying on its back.

However you can picture that.

Umf.

"Grip me tight!!

I want to be clean clean clean!"

Whining.

Two red socks stood on either side of the pine cone.

Each holding the ends of the sock on either side.

When the one pulled, the other slacked a bit and then vice versa.

Scrubbing the blue sock across the pine cone.

"Harder harder harder!

I want to be fresh fresh fresh!

My Fair Lady must always wear me clean and fresh!

Harder!"

This up and down voice was hard to make out.

It sort of blurted the words, as it was pulled across the bumps of the pine cone.

Nia just looked. Didn't blink once.

She seemed totally captivated.

I looked at her.

I could look at this face forever.

When she looks wrapped up in a world that is entirely her own.

Her eyes as if they were filled with endless possibilities.

Like they have not seen enough of life.

Like she knows that there is so much more to see.

Her face expressed such enthusiasm for life.

I loved this face most of all.

The face of hope.

Good hope.

With all Nia has been through, she never lost this hope.

It gave me hope.

It silenced the past.

For many years I had almost completely forgotten.

Reminded only by a smell, or a taste.

The smell was the worst.

Especially if it came from someone.

I could see the horrid image in front of me and I wouldn't be able to hide it.

My body language said it all.

People must have felt offended.

I'm sorry.

It couldn't be helped.

The brain was strange that way.

I cringed a bit.

"Is everything okay?"

Nia looked at me concerned, but still kept an eye on the socks.

"Yes," I lied.

The headache was much worse.

And I felt like I was on fire.

All focussed around my chest.

"Please, sweetpea. We must go. We don't have much time and there is so much more to see.

Come."

Nia still looked at the socks.

Smiled.

Then looked at me.

A grateful look on her face.

Nia could never say thank you to me.

I never understood why; always thought it was pride.

But I could be wrong.

"Sure, Sherwin."

This time she didn't mock me.

"Let's go. I am ready for more."

She smiled wide.

Beautiful white teeth.

viii

"Your dad was outside the hospital when I came to see you."

I looked at Nia for a second.

She looked at me enquiringly.

But her eyes were like one trying to reach for a memory.

Like she wanted to place what I was telling her in time.

Hopefully find a place at least.

Giving up, she returns her gaze to me.

"He was smoking his pipe.

You know. The one he loves so much."

Nia nods.

She knows that pipe well.

Her father didn't want anyone else touching it.

But, being Nia, she not only got to touch it, but even got to fill it up with tobacco.

Black & White.

She could light the pipe for him too.

Glad that she never picked up that habit.

Uhm.

She was daddy's girl.

And he made sure that I understood that well and good.

"He was sitting in his bakkie.

That Toyota Stallion."

Car had gone from scrap yard and back again, but he wouldn't let it go.

Still all the original parts.

His Dependable Stallion.

That's what he used to call it.

Piece of crap.

"I couldn't believe he brought Kitty with."

What was the man thinking, I always thought to myself.

Kitty was no mere puss.

No.

It was a huge cat.

Cheetah.

Tame.

Umf.

I didn't trust that tame business.

I had imagined the day would come when the wild cat in that puss would snap and lash out.

Hopefully not with my sweetpea nearby.

I cringed every time I was near it.

It was breath taking though.

Its body so agile.

You could see it was powerful.

It purred just like a house cat.

But with added volume and bass to it.

Almost a growl.

It gave me the creeps.

I really didn't like cats.

Sneaky bast@rds.

And this one, I didn't trust at all.

Nia loved them of course and, of course, adored Kitty.

She named him Kitty.

He was a present from her father.

"She was standing on the back of the bakkie. Not even a leash."

Umf.

Ha-ha-ha!

"Hahaha! I had thought to stand guard at the hospital door, in case she smelled blood and attacked all the patients. But then I thought she would attack me first. Hahahaha!"

Umf.

Nia looked at me and smiled.

She knew I didn't like Kitty very much.

She picked up one of the black stones and held it up to her cheek.

It was a Zen stone.

Immediately started giggling.

"What?"

I asked her.

"Why are you giggling?"

She took the stone away from her cheek and looked at it inquisitively.

She put it closer to her face.

Doe eyes.

Focused on the stone.

Exploring it.

Like she was seeing things, but not sure what it was.

She turned the black stone in her hand.

Bit her lip.

Totally focused.

I enjoyed this face about Nia too.

There's no face about Nia I didn't like.

Except the one I saw on that day.

At the hospital.

"Are those...lips?"

She asked. "Yes. Hahahaha!"

Nia looked at the stone and smiled.

"I could swear I felt lips nibbling on my cheek. Lots of them.

Really ticklish.

Wow."

She touched the stone with her right index finger.

She gushed, then giggled.

"It's really soothing and ticklish. All at once."

She put the stone back to her cheek.

Smiled.

As if to herself.

"Give me your other foot."

I put Nia's left foot down on the grass.

She rubbed it with her hand and put it into the water.

Rubbing it on the black and white stones lying at the bottom.

I removed the black and white striped sock.

Slowly.

I savoured these moments.

Moments that I could touch her.

Feel her skin.

Nia had well defined legs.

But very feminine.

It was thanks to all the netball she played.

Or used to play.

Her skin was smooth.

I just wanted to touch it.

Kiss it.

And do all sorts of things to it.

I took her foot into my hand and gently started massaging it.

Working my way around key areas of her foot.

When Nia told me her secret.

It wasn't easy.

She didn't want anyone to know.

Most of her family doesn't even know.

Nia didn't like people knowing her business.

She didn't easily trust people.

She trusted me, that's why she told me.

I immediately started doing research.

Wanted to know as much about this Grave's disease as possible.

I studied up on alternative healing methods.

One was acupuncture.

Another was reflexology.

I was never sure if it worked, but Nia didn't seem to mind me rubbing her feet.

She always had a relaxed face and seemed to be experiencing some exhilarating feeling.

She always bit her lip and breathed deeply.

Just like she was now.

With the black stone pressed to her cheek.

Hat still on her pretty head.

Uhm.

*sigh*

We were sitting at the edge of Lake Tranquillity.

We were at one of the springs.

It was right at the end of Gritty-Stones-For-Cracked-Heels-Pass.

Those stones, unlike these, didn't have lips.

No.

They had more of a rough edge.

They answered only to Nia of course.

Every time she would step on it, it would gently caress her heels and give it a rub.

Gently removing any dried skin.

That task was usually mine.

I dreaded it of course.

But seeing Nia smile.

That smile made it all worthwhile.

Just a spoon full of sugar, helps the medicine go down.

"What happened?" Nia pulled me back to the moment.

She didn't mind me going quiet and suddenly drifting off into my own thoughts.

I think she secretly liked that about me.

That I was always lost in my head.

She secretly wanted to know my thoughts.

I smiled at her.

She smiled back.

Beautiful teeth.

But now, I was focused more on her lips.

I didn't think this part of me remained.

The part that wanted Nia.

Wanted her body.

Wanted her in every way.

We never even kissed.

A friendly pat on the cheek.

A good luck kiss on the forehead.

But that was it.

No.

The only one that got to devour those lips was that roach.

Made me sick to think about it.

My headache suddenly gave a hard thump.

I cringed slightly, but I didn't show the pain on my face.

I didn't want Nia to start worrying.

That she could do too.

Worry.

We were the same in that way.

"Well," I continued.

Gently massaging her foot.

Enjoying every gasp she gave.

I had to be careful.

I couldn't allow it.

Not again.

"He got out of his bakkie.

He was dressed in his khakis.

As usual.

Khaki socks pulled up to his knees.

And those veldskoene."

Homemade leather shoes.

He was a real farmer.

"He took two big puffs of his pipe and blew the smoke into the air.

Are you that Esterhuizen boy I have been hearing about? he asked me.

That boy sounded almost condescending.

You know how he was with me."

Nia nodded.

She didn't smile.

Nia didn't like talking about her dad.

She never told me why.

"Go on."

She wanted to know more.

"I said yes.

He then stared at me.

Took another puff of his pipe.

Kitty stood with her two front paws on the edge of the bakkie.

As if she would jump the instant I said something wrong.

It was really intimidating.

Your dad sort of smirked.

The Esterhuizens from Stellenbosch? he asked me with a frown.

I answered "no" of course.
I didn't know my dad's family.

He tapped the ash out of his pipe and put it in his shirt pocket.

He then came and stood right in front of me.

Gave me a glare.

I could see the muscles twitch in his jaw.

He tightened his lips.

His eyes narrowed.

You better watch it, mister.

He stared me up and down.

She's out of ICU.

She's still resting.

You can go in and see her.

His sentences were short but stretched out.

He almost said the can as if instead of may.

Deliberately.

Like he was giving me permission.

Like I needed his permission.

I looked at him.

Met his gaze.

Stared into his eyes.

I wondered if he was like this with everyone.

Or just those interested in you.

Or perhaps just plain old me.

You know?"

Nia looked away.

I didn't pry any further.

"Well, I took my permission slip and went in to see you.

That's why I came.

I wanted to see you.

Make sure that you were alright.

I haven't heard from you in weeks.

Your friend, Jenny, finally told me what happened.

What you had done.

I didn't believe any of it of course.

I had to see it for myself.

Seeing you like that.

It broke my heart.

I have only cried twice in my life.

Once when my dad died.

Only at the hospital.

Not at the funeral.

The other day, was that day.

You in the hospital.

That February in 2007."

Nia shook her head and took her foot from my hand.

Slowly.

She put it into the water and rubbed it on the stones.

She put her head back, eyes closed.

As if just taking in The Bright.

She sighed.

Breathed deeply.

Then opened her eyes and looked at me.

"What are you talking about, Sherwin?

I mean, I was in the hospital.

My dad was there, sitting in the corner with his pipe in his mouth.

It was not lit of course.

You know he liked to just nibble on the end."

Nia smiled slightly.

Looked at me quickly.

Then away.

"But you were never there.

Or are you talking about the time I was at the Roman Catholic in town?"

Windhoek, Namibia.

"No. I'm talking about Rhino Park.

That's when I first met your dad."

"But when?"

Nia again seemed to look as if to remember.

She also had that betrayed look on her face.

I was not sure if it was me for never telling her I saw her in the hospital.

Or Jenny.

For telling.

That was in 2007.

Rhino Park, Windhoek.

We had been spending a lot of time together since that 2002.

I saw her occasionally at the College of the Arts.

When she came to do her parlour queen thing.

I never understood what that was really.

But mostly we spent almost all week nights and sometimes entire weekends together.

I could sometimes stay over.

Had to sleep on the floor of course.

I didn't mind.

I just wanted to be near her.

In Nia's company.

Suddenly, at the beginning of February, she went totally quiet.

She never answered my messages.

Her phone was always off.

I was really worried.

"My mind was a mess.

I'm sorry I went to Jenny.

I just knew something was wrong.

You would never just ignore me like that.

You would never let my mind go crazy.

I knew you knew that.

That I do that.

When ignored."

Nia smiled sincerely.

"I went into your room.

I went in slowly.

No matter how much I could have prepared myself.

I would still not have been prepared for what I saw.

You just lying there.

Almost lifeless.

They had you on a drip.

No other machines at least.

I felt relieved about that.

Slightly.

Not much.

The sight of you.

All your hair chopped off.

Not that I mind your hair short.

It's great."

My sweetpea.

She's beautiful with her hair long.

Loose or tied to the back.

Two braids, one on each side.

Full and covering her voluptuous bosom.

Or short.

Just covering her pretty head.

"They told me you used scissors.

At first.

Then you went to get the blade shears.

The ones your dad used to shear his sheep with."

Nia shakes her head in agreement.

"Yes, I almost cut the tip of my right ear off.

I brazed the left."

She sighed.

"You were pale.

I could see the veins and arteries.

Your cheeks all sunken in.

Your eyes just like two balls in your face.

You looked like the crypt keeper.

Hahaha!"

I immediately stopped laughing.

"It wasn't funny at all.

I took your hand in mine.

Kissed it.

A few tears fell on your hand.

I gently wiped it off.

I kissed you on your forehead.

More tears dropped on your face.

I wiped them off too.

Then your dad came in.

Looked at me all suspicious.

What do you think you're doing?

Get away from her.

He came in and sort of forced his way in between the bed and myself.

I think it is best that you leave.

Now.

He pointed to the door.

He glared at me.

That moustache seemed to be mocking me."

Ha-ha.

"I didn't argue with him.

I left.

And Esterhuizen.

It's best you don't come here again.

He took your hand in his.

I've got things under control.

She is my daughter.

I'll take care of her.

I looked at him.

Then looked at you.

I hoped that that face would not be the last I saw of you.

I closed the door behind me and never came to the hospital again."

ix

"Sherwin! Sherwin!"

"Nia!"

"Sherwin!"

I looked at my mother confused.

She was sitting on the edge of my bed.

Worried expression on her face.

The light was on. It was still dark outside.

"What's wrong?" I sat up from my bed. I had to sit back quick. My head felt heavy. I felt the head ache throb. I wiped the sweat from my face and neck. It didn't help much.

"You were screaming in your sleep. Again. This time, you cried too."

I looked at my mother.

She still just had the worried expression on her face.

I looked away.

"This time you spoke again."

I looked at my mom.

Wondered what I had blurted out while I was in that nightmare.

Only thing I've dreamed since I returned to Cape Town.

Now exactly more than a year and a half ago.

"What do you mean?" I wanted to know. "What did I say?"

"Well, not much. You kept repeating the same thing over and over again. That's when you started crying. I have been trying to wake you up for a while now."

"Why was I crying? What did I say?"

"Nia, don't die."

My mom looked at me. She put her hand to my left cheek.

"You sounded almost... like when you were little. Like a child. When your father past away." She stroked her hand through my wet hair.

"You said something else too."

My mom stopped stroking my hair. Patted me lightly on the cheek.

"What?" I asked. A bit too loud and quick. My head hurt worse than before.

"You can't have it." She sighed slightly.

"That's not the first time you have said that."

She stood up and went to the door.

"I wish you would tell me what it is that you are running from."

She left my room.

End of Chapter 5

Anubis

god of death

"Let her go, you big ugly monkey!!!Let her go!!! Let her go!!!!! I'll kill you!!! I swear, I'll kill you!!!!!!!Let her go!"

i

2010

"Scrambled eggs and toast?"

Mom sounded cheerful for one that didn't get much sleep.

"Please." I answered.

I went to stand by the kitchen table.

Mom had on her gown.

As usual.

Her hair still in her stocking. She hummed a hymn to herself.

"Sorry about... last night."

I was.

Mom put the stove off and moved the pan to a cool plate. The eggs smelled delicious. I was really hungry.

My headache had subsided. It did give a thump now and again. Occasionally.

Mom looked at me. The cheerful face now more sombre. She crossed her arms. Then she just stared at me. I didn't stare back. I went to go sit on the single sitter. That look only meant one thing.

A lecture.

She put a lid on the pan and came into the lounge. Sat opposite me on the couch. She sat on the edge. Up straight. Arms crossed. The face less serious though.

"Sherwin. How many times are you going to tell me that you are sorry?"

She looked at me as if I was supposed to answer.

I shrugged.

She shrugged too and shook her head.

"For the past year, that is all you have had to say. I'm sorry." She shrugged. Put her hands to her head.

"I don't know what to do? Why won't you let me help you?" She looked at me. At least no tears. I couldn't deal with that now.

"It was just a nightmare." That was the truth.

A nightmare.

"Yes. But what is it that haunts you?" She was very serious. She looked me straight in the eye.

I looked away.

"Is it Marnia?" Her voice was softer. She tilted her head to the side, as if to see my eyes.

I looked at her.

The hanging eye seemed less scary.

"Yes."

I sighed.

I was relieved to say it.

"What happened to her?" Mom was less invasive, more interested.

"She told me she never wanted to see me again."

The words came easy. I have wanted to tell someone. I knew Thurston suspected, but we never talked about it. He was not one to pry and neither was I.

"But why? What happened? Didn't she like the surprise? You spent years on it all. That's all you ever talked about when you called. I could hardly ever get a word in."

I looked at my mom and smiled. She was right. That's all I ever talked about.

Umf.

Funny.

"She liked it." That was true.

"But what then?"

"I proposed."

Mom puts her hand to her mouth.

"And she said no?" Mom didn't really ask.

I just shook my head. I hoped she wouldn't ask any of the details. Didn't want to be reminded of that NOT tweet. That scratchy recording.

"Did she say why?"

I looked at my mother. She looked concerned again.

"She met someone else. And. Nothing. She wanted to be with him."

I looked at my mother.

She knew not to pry any further.

"I'm sorry, Sherwin." She smiled sincerely.

Then.

"But this can't go on. It is time to move on. My dear, take it from your mother." She puts her hands on her lap and hunches forward.

"Time is precious. Don't waste it on those that don't deserve it."

I didn't argue.

My mom was right. This couldn't go on. I had to find a way to let go. Had to find a way to make her to let go. Every time I got close, she held on tighter. I've never been strong enough, to get her to let go and flip the switch.

I was always too weak at that point. The doof-doof in my head always made me pass out and I would wake up. Felt like I had just been hit by a truck. The dreams always seemed so real.

He was real enough.

I cringed and stood up.

"May I have some?" I didn't wait for an answer. I scooped some of the egg into a plate and took a slice of toast. It was already cold.

"What are you going to do about that chest?"

I looked at my mother. She looked at me. I knew what she wanted me to answer.

"I'll get rid of it."

I didn't blink.

Just took another bite of my toast.

Mom sighed.

A sigh of relieve.

ii

I looked at the cans on the shelf in front of me.

All the labels to the front. The shelf is full. Hopefully the Slave-driver would be happy. I hated working here. But staying busy helped me to forget. Among these cans and packaged goods, there was solace.

Silence.

Something that was rare these days.

But keeping busy was good.

Great actually.

I had hoped to find a job as a carpenter or at least join a joinery.

But these jobs were few.

I had a great reference from my previous employer. He was sad to see me go. He always said I had the hands of a lover of trees and wood. A skill to craft something ordinary into something mesmerizing. He appreciated that I took pride in my work.

I even thought of starting my own company. Thurston and I spoke about it a lot. I mostly put it off though. I had enough money to start off with or at least something to put down as surety if I were to apply for a loan.

But my mind was not in a good place. She still haunted me.

So did he.

The fire in my heart burnt less as time went by, but it was still there.

Ever present.

I knew it would never subside. Until I let go. Until I can let her to let go. That part of Nia that remains alive in me. The part of her I still loved and cherished.

The real Nia has all but forgotten about me already, I am sure. She said she didn't want to be reminded of me by anything. That's why she gave me everything, I gave her, back. Including the chest, the couch and the tank.

Amongst other things that kept reminding me of her. Things I too loved and couldn't just let go of.

It didn't seem fair that Nia should get to have the final say in everything. And yet, there she was in my head. Always the voice of reason. Always the force of guidance. Now the source of confusion and restlessness.

The source of a pain like none other.

I had to stay busy. It was the only way.

I took the empty boxes and plastic wrappings to the huge trash can outside. Then I went back to the condiments aisle to do another check of the shelves. The Slave-driver expects the stock to fly off the shelf and yet for the shelf to remain full.

Umf.

I sat on a Coca-Cola crate and started facing some of the items that were out of stock.

"Sherwynne."

Soft and velvety.

I knew that voice.

I told you.

You should never have started working here.

I turned around slowly.

There she was standing.

Dressed in jeans and a loose top.

Simoné.

I never called Simoné after that first time we met.

Back in 2009.

I just couldn't.

I'm still a mess.

And I didn't want her to find out.

She must never know.

"Hi Simoné," I said and stood up.

"I was beginning to think you were dead," she smiles, but then she frowns.

Still, she looked beautiful.

Simoné had changed since we were children.

Her breasts were full.

Her hips broad.

Those delicate ankles still the same.

Her cheeks were also much less chubby.

Revealing her high cheekbones.

"No, still alive," I tried to sound cheerful, but that came out more nervous.

"You never called me. You promised that you would call."

She didn't sound as desperate as last time, but still sadness was in her voice.

I did.

"I'm sorry. I should learn not to make promises I can't keep, nor intend to keep.

I'm sorry I lied to you. I was never going to call you."

I looked at Simoné.

I was surprised at my honesty.

I was expecting a disappointed face, but Simoné smiled.

"I always admired that about you. That you are a bad liar," she smiles and shows her teeth.

"I knew you wouldn't call me. I had just hoped that you would. If I got you to promise... that you might have a conscience." She stopped smiling and frowned.

"You can make it up to me." She put her hands on her hips.

She had grown much taller. We were almost eye to eye. She was still a bit taller than me, I guessed.

"How?" I asked and hated myself immediately.

Fool.

"Come visit me at my Grans." She smiles that familiar smile.

The one I loved as a child.

The one that hit you for a home run.

Don't.

I kept thinking about Nia and what my mom had said.

You can't.

I looked at Simoné.

She looked at me. Still smiling. Still with her hands on her hips.

She may never find out.

"Sure." I said and smiled.

Idiot.

"Esterhuizen!" That was the Slave-driver. Mr Small. He was the floor manager here. Buy-rite. Thurston had warned me about him, when I decided to start work here on a casual basis. Thurston failed to mention that he hovered like a hawk.

"I'll come and visit." I told Simoné and started walking towards the Slave-driver.

"When?" Simoné sounded desperate again. Her smile was gone.

I stopped and looked at her for a second.

There was something.

"This weekend."

She seemed satisfied.

She smiled again.

That smile that hit you for a home run.

iii

Relax.

I prompted myself onto the platform.

It has been more than a year and still nothing.

Umf.

No sign of them.

Relax.

Run.

I walked briskly onto the pavement and rushed home.

At least no sweat.

I opened the gate. It opened without any effort. Mom had it fixed soon after the whole mess of Cape Town.

Go inside.

Mom was in the kitchen as usual.

"Hallo, Mommy." I said and walked into the kitchen.

The sweet smell of mom's cooking hanging in the air.

"Hello, dear." She said and just carried on with what she was busy with.

Looked like we were in for a treat tonight.

Roast beef, baked potato, fried carrots and onions. Some lovely potato salad.

Mmmmmmmm.

That was dad's favourite.

"What's the occasion?" I asked my mother and helped her to clear the table.

"Oh, nothing." My mom looked at me and smiled.

I have gotten more used to the hanging eye. It really didn't bug me as much as before.

"Just spoiling me." I laughed. I didn't know whether it was because I had felt guilty for hating my mother or because I had given her sleepless nights for the past year and what.

Whatever it was, I was just happy to be home today.

Happy that I ran into Simoné.

***

Tuesday, 22 January 1991.

Mommy I want to cry.

First I saw the shoes.

Black.

Boy's school shoes.

It was a boy, lying in the mud.

Then I saw the big boy sitting on top of him.

Big muscles.

Very muscular.

It was Georgie.

Then I saw the boy lying in the mud again.

He was holding onto his private parts.

Though he didn't cry, you could see the boy was in pain.

He looked familiar.

I saw the crowd standing around them.

Boys laughing.

Girls giggling.

Then, I saw her.

Simoné.

She was standing behind a few of the girls.

Her face hidden from me.

She saw me.

That boy, was me.

I kept watching Georgie.

He still smiled at me.

Still standing on Simoné's surprise.

The one that he had just thrashed.

I looked at the boy again.

He looked at me.

His face went from pain to sad to disappointment.

Like he was disappointed in me.

The tears burned my eyes.

Tears of sadness.

Tears of absolute anger.

Boo.

Boooooooooo.

*Ooooooooooooooooooo*

I watched him.

Today is the day.

Told you.

Mark my words, Coloured.

I lunged forward.

Georgie was caught off guard.

I hit him with my right fist, right in his nose.

I felt the bone break against my small knuckles.

It's nothing.

He stumbled back.

I saw the image of a guy giving a flying kick.

It was a move from one of the karate movies my dad and I used to watch.

I stood back a bit and lunged forward again.

Feet into the air.

Georgie tried to duck, but I hit him flat on his chest.

He fell to the ground.

On top of him.

I jumped onto Georgie and connected with my right fist to his right eye.

Yes.

Hit him.

I saw the boy in the mud again.

Sad face.

He must suffer.

My left fist connected with Georgie's mouth.

His two front teeth sort of bit into the skin.

His mouth started bleeding almost immediately.

His nose was a red mess of blood.

Nothing.

Make him suffer.

I saw Georgie's face in front of me.

How?

His face was covered.

I saw it again.

The bloody mouth.

Two teeth exposed.

He was smiling.

Mocking me.

Ha ah.

Hit him.

I connected with my right fist, then my left, all to Georgie's head.

Repeatedly.

Yes.

That's it.

To the chin.

Upper cuts.

Hit him.

He must suffer.

I saw Georgie again.

Standing in front of me.

Holding his private parts.

Teasing me.

I hit him harder.

More.

I felt as Georgie twisted beneath me.

He was now on his side.

To the kidneys.

WWF.

I got of Georgie.

Jumped into the air and landed with my elbow to his side.

I felt the wind leave me to.

Nothing.

Get up.

Again.

I jumped up and pounded another elbow to his side.

I saw as Georgie ran around in front of me.

He looked as if he was calling me a cry baby.

He wiped fake tears from his eyes.

Make him pay.

There.

That rock.

Bash his head.

I got of Georgie.

He was crying like a girl.

That's it.

Feel what it feels like.

Rock.

There.

I bent down and picked up the rock.

I felt my back give a slight crack.

The rock was really heavy.

Nothing.

Take it.

Bash his head.

Look.

I saw again as Georgie paraded in front of me.

Laughing at me.

Mocking me.

Holding his private parts.

Pretending to be crying.

Fake tears.

Gums and all.

Bloody two front teeth.

He must suffer.

I lifted myself up and went to stand above Georgie.

He didn't try to get away.

He was not able to move.

I thought.

He was covering his face, but you could see he wanted to hold his back.

Good.

Finish it.

Do it.

Do it.

I struggled to lift the rock to above my head.

If I wasn't careful, I could drop it and it would hit us both.

Balance.

That's it.

More.

Yes.

Look.

I saw Georgie looking at me.

He stuck his tongue out at me.

Bloody mouth mocking me.

Finish him.

Bash his head in.

I was about to drop the rock.

"Sherwynne!"

Soft and velvety.

In the distance.

She must be around the corner of the street.

Do it.

Do it now.

"Sherwynne!"

This time her voice was frantic.

Almost right next to me.

What?

She's right here.

When did she get here?

Do it!

Georgie still lay on the ground.

His clothes were muddy.

His arms protecting his face and head.

Still crying.

"Please, Sherwynne."

Simoné almost begged.

Do it!

Do it!

Bash his head!

"Enough.

No more."

Simoné's voice has never sounded like this before.

Do it now!

"He is not worth it."

Pleading.

I just watched her.

The rock was starting to get heavier with every glance.

I wouldn't be able to hold it much longer.

Bash his head in!

Now!

Simoné looked scared.

Do it!

Concerned.

Bash his head I said.

Her smile was gone.

I dropped the rock.

My back felt immediately better.

I stood up straight and cracked it right.

IDIOT!

I'll show you!

I saw the boy on the ground again.

He started twisting and curling.

Sometimes it looked like his arms were folding between his legs and touching his back.

I saw Georgie holding his private parts.

He started falling apart.

As the parts hit the ground, they became maggots.

I saw as the maggots started crawling towards Simoné very fast.

The boy in the mud was now totally disfigured.

He started turning brown.

Grey.

Then as black as coal.

He exploded.

Right in front of my eyes.

I saw the black dust all swirl and twirl towards Simoné.

The maggots and the dust started intertwining, forming a shape.

I saw him.

Big and real.

Behind Simoné.

***

"Where are you?"

I grabbed at the black in front of me.

Nothing.

Absolutely nothing.

"Where are you?"

I kept looking around me.

Kept turning around in circles.

My hands reaching.

Hoping to touch her.

But all I touched was darkness.

I saw a faint light in the distance.

The light became brighter.

I could start making out shapes.

Trees.

Rows and rows of trees.

The light sort of dashed between the trees.

It was blindingly white.

It was approaching me.

Can it be?

Is it her?

The light came straight at me.

I felt relieved.

Worried too.

As the light was right in front of me, it exploded.

Almost like dust with a glow.

It came straight at me.

I fell backwards.

I saw as the tiny specs hovered above me for a while.

Then, almost as if it actually disappears.

Swiftly.

It passed me.

I looked at it with my head tilted to the back.

Still lying flat on the ground.

The specs became one glow of light again.

It moved further into the darkness.

And left me in the dark again.

I got up and started following it.

The light started to take more of a familiar shape.

It no longer looked like the glow was in the air.

No.

It was now closer to the ground.

I could make out legs.

A fluffy tail.

It was.

I couldn't be sure.

The light was very bright.

Yes.

I saw the ears.

It was a rabbit.

A white rabbit.

Running further and further into the forest.

I assumed this too.

The forest.

I couldn't be sure.

The rows of trees looked familiar.

The trees became odder looking as I followed the rabbit.

More familiar.

Yes.

Protected-Dreams-Forest.

Am I dreaming?

I asked myself and looked around me.

The rabbit went into a hole of a tree and disappeared.

I could still make out the trees though.

That was part of the beauty of Protected-Dreams-Forest.

The soft glow.

Ever present.

Turquoise.

Translucent.

There where the rabbit disappeared, were two trees.

Each with only one branch.

The branches sort of hung over what looked like the entrance to something.

I was not familiar with this part of Utopia.

I went in between the two trees.

Had to squeeze a bit.

The opening was small.

The two branches almost on the ground.

I went further in.

The trees had huge trunks.

Almost six feet wide.

The sound of frogs croaking is what I heard first.

Then I saw the small pool of water.

It had a strange glow to it.

Unlike the glows I was familiar with.

This one was out of place.

Almost too bright.

It was like it was coming from the bottom of the small pool.

Bluish bubbles started bubbling to the surface.

Then a head.

I wanted to hide, but the head looked familiar.

Hair short on the head.

I saw the shoulders.

More of the torso.

Then the face.

Those eyes.

Doe eyes.

It was Nia.

I found her.

I ran forward into the water and embraced her.

Thank you, God.

She embraced me.

She was warm.

I looked at her; she looked at me, doe eyes fluttering.

I stood back and looked at Nia.

She had a smile on her face that I had never seen before.

A lustful look.

I looked at Nia.

All wet.

Looking at me like that.

Everything inside me told me to take her.

Take her right there.

Is this a dream, I thought again.

Then Nia leaned closer to me.

Her wet body almost against mine.

She was dressed in a white dress.

It was tight against her body.

Showing off her voluptuous bosom.

Her beautiful, tall body.

The water just reached to below her knees.

It felt warm too.

Dream or not, I was going to take what I got.

I moved closer to her.

She closed her eyes and parted her lips.

I did the same.

As our lips were about to touch, I opened my eyes.

Nerves.

I wasn't sure.

I looked at those lips.

How I have wanted to kiss them.

Devour them.

Make them mine.

I was about to.

Finally.

I saw the tip of her tongue.

Then.

The hand.

Her tongue was a hand.

I saw her mouth open more.

Another hand.

They grabbed my face.

It felt like my head was about to be squeezed to a pulp.

Worst was the heat.

It was like my face was placed against a hot rod.

***

I woke up.

My head felt worse than the night before.

My face hot.

My pillow was soaked.

As usual.

At least my mother wasn't here.

I could still see the image in front of me.

It looked.

Really creepy.

I hoped I would not remember Nia like that forever.

I got out of my bed and went to the bathroom.

It was humid and hot outside.

The moon was out.

Not like Windhoek.

But it was okay.

I closed the bathroom door.

Filled the bath with cold water.

Took off my clothes and got into the bath.

The cold rush of the water.

Like air for breath.

Cold foam to fire.

Aid.

Relief.

I didn't switch on the light.

Only the faint light of the moon lit the bathroom.

I rested my head against the side and closed my eyes.

I could feel myself drift to sleep again.

I tried to fight it.

No.

Please.

No.

No more.

v

Nia stroked her fingers through the water.

She sat right at the end of the small boat.

On a special cushion.

She looked at me.

Doe eyes fluttering.

"The moon is lovely here."

She said.

But more like she was just talking to herself.

"That's not the moon."

I smiled at her.

She looked at me.

"Of course it is."

She looked at me with that are you daft look.

"What else could it be?"

Umf.

I liked it when Nia was like this.

She sure wanted to make as if she knew everything.

Ha-ha.

My sweetpea.

A rare know-it-all.

Umf.

Like she knows Utopia.

Like I do.

Uhm.

"That's actually just the glow of the blue marble."

I smiled at Nia.

She looked confused.

"The one you sent me for my birthday.

This year."

She looked at me.

Then as if she remembered.

Yes.

I remember.

I did.

With the charms.

And the books."

Nia sat up straight on her knees.

Still on the cushion.

A look of disbelief.

"But how, Sherwin?"

She turned to me.

Questions written all over her face.

I loved this face.

Nia sure was one beautiful woman.

"You see.

Even after you... we parted... I still kept building.

Kept hoping.

That we would find a way to be together.

That our heritage wouldn't matter.

That me, being a Coloured, wouldn't matter."

I looked at Nia.

She didn't look away.

She looked almost sad.

"I completed the tip of the tower.

Of your castle."

I could feel how my cheeks went warm.

I scratched my head.

Nia smiled too.

"Yes?"

She was anxious to know more.

"The marble is the final piece of the tower.

It is the blue glow you see in the sky.

That blue round sphere in the distance.

That is where your castle is.

The blue sphere will always guide you home.

To my heart."

I looked away.

Splashed my hand into the water.

Lake Tranquillity led to Protected-Dreams-Forest.

We were not too far off.

The water was dark.

But beneath the surface you could see fish and plants.

The fish all had a glow to them.

Some were yellow.

Others blue.

Some a vibrant red.

Others had strange pulsing glows to them.

These were predominately purple.

They too almost looked translucent.

But a more solid shape.

There were yellow specks floating near the surface of the lake.

I looked back at Nia.

She looked at me.

Those doe eyes.

"I'm sorry, Sherwin.

But there is no other way.

My dad will never allow it.

He will not disinherit me.

No.

He will fight for what is his.

I am sure he will kill you."

"You are overreacting," I interrupted her.

Her face was serious though.

"No, Sherwin. I am not."

She shook her head.

"You do not understand."

She looked at me for a while.

Then she looked away.

The blue light just lighting her face.

"We grew up different to you.

The only black people we ever got into contact with were the farm labourers and the house help.

We were never allowed to talk to them or even go near them."

Nia looked at me.

Her face trying to see if I could grasp what she was saying.

"We were told that they were stupid.

Intellectually.

Like they couldn't tell the difference in the depth of images on the television.

Almost like a gorilla doesn't know it is watching itself in the mirror."

Nia just looked at me.

"Don't you understand, Sher?"

"We were told that they are dirty and smelly.

The only soap that could get them clean was Lifebouey.

That also left them with other smells.

They always had to eat outside and they were never allowed to use our crockery nor cutlery."

I said nothing.

Just looked at her in disbelief.

"So what about coloureds?"

"Well, we never even heard of that term.

We always just referred to you all as bastards.

Half-castes.

Half-breeds."

"Yellow-mouth."

"Yes."

Nia shook her head.

As if she remembered that night too.

When Mr Giel Basson called me a Yellow-mouth.

A filthy Yellow-mouth was his exact words.

Roach.

"You can see that to be... with you... to my family, is like being with the abomination that was created by...interbreeding... with them.

White people are to remain pure.

Can you understand?"

She looked at me as if she hoped I understood.

I looked at her.

"Is that the way you feel?"

I looked her straight in the eye.

She didn't look away.

"How can you ask me that?"

She tilted her head to the side.

"I just want to know."

I didn't break eye contact.

Neither did she.

"Of course not. You know that."

"Then why, Nia? Why can't we be together?"

I wanted an answer.

She shook her head.

Slowly.

Side to side.

"I can't go against my family.

We are bound together.

We are a line of proud Afrikaners.

We believe in the Afrikaner way.

Others may do as they want.

They will of course never be accepted and always be frowned upon.

"But we, we are a tie that binds.

We stick together and we keep our reputation clean.

Our blood line pure."

I kept looking at Nia.

Not believing what I am hearing.

But I understood.

I could never accept it.

But I understood.

It was more than that I was not white enough.

It was more that I had black blood that flowed in my veins.

I could never be with Nia.

God, why must it all be so complicated.

Why?

Why can't I just be with her?

"If I knew that you were a Coloured, I would never have become friends with you."

She looked away.

Then back at me again.

"But with you, it's difficult to tell.

You look whiter than a lot of the white people I have met.

Your features do seem a bit different, but not much.

Like you could be Italian or Portuguese.

Especially your eyes.

But the added blonde hair, almost white.

Well, who would ever guess?"

"Who would ever guess, hu?"

I tried to make a joke.

Nia sat more to the side of the boat and started playing with her hands in the water.

She seemed to try and poke at the yellow specks floating on the surface.

Each time she poked one, it went deeper into the water.

Seemed to blow up and then retract again.

Floating back to the surface.

Nia no longer looked surprised.

She just took it all in.

"Why didn't you tell me this or stopped being friends with me instead?"

I put the oars back in the water and started rowing us towards the forest.

The top of the trees were visible in the distance.

All cloaked in a blue haze.

"I mean, then, when you found out I was a Coloured.

Back in 2005."

Nia poked at another yellow speck.

This one sort of disappeared into the dark water.

"Wow! Look, Sherwin."

I looked in the direction Nia was pointing.

I couldn't be sure what she wanted me to see.

But then I saw a small yellow fish in the deep waters.

It had huge eyes.

Almost too large for the small body.

Fins moving rapidly.

The fish looked as if it was swimming for its dear life.

Towards the surface.

It didn't move very fast though.

"Look!" Nia said and closed her mouth with her hand.

The fish grew right in front of our eyes.

The yellow now more orange.

The eyes seemed to fit the body more.

Didn't seem to bulge as much.

Fins still flapping away.

It moved faster as it reached the surface.

Its mouth grew pointier.

Almost like a sharp pointed stick.

The fish now really picked up speed.

It was about to break the surface.

"Watch out!"

Nia screamed.

She rock-ed the boat and sort of slid off her special cushion.

Just then the fish broke through the surface of the water.

Straight into the air.

It looked beautiful.

Completely red.

It stopped flapping its fins.

It made a loop in the air.

Then.

Exploded.

Like fireworks.

Red, orange and yellow.

Nia sat up straight.

She didn't seem to breathe.

Just held her hand to her mouth.

The sky much brighter than before.

The red burst into more bright red sparks in the sky.

As it fell to the lake, it all became flower petals, just drifting slowly through the air.

Landed on the surface of the lake.

Burst into a small flame, then disappeared.

The orange just seemed to evaporate into thin air.

The yellow, however, hovered in the sky a bit, and then it just fell to the surface of the lake.

Quick.

All at once.

Blending with the other yellow specks on the surface.

Nia didn't say a word.

Just kept looking into the sky as if expecting something else.

And by goodness.

The word Nia appeared out of nowhere in the sky.

It looked like the orange that previously disappeared.

It then too burst into smaller pieces.

Till only an orangey dust hung in the air.

Slowly blown away by the wind.

That too, came from nowhere.

I looked around.

My headache pounded.

I prayed that we would be in time.

Please, Lord.

Let him not get to it first.

I seized any effort to bother with my shirt.

It clung like a leach to my skin.

I was really hot.

Nia didn't seem to notice a thing.

I found that really strange.

I rowed the boat faster.

"Wow, Sherwin."

I have never seen fireworks like that before.

I always thought the fireworks, at the end of the Windhoek Show, were something to behold.

She looked at me.

Doe eyes.

Fluttering.

Then back at the sky.

Blue light about us again.

The trees more prominent.

"But those."

She gasped.

"Those.

Those were something else.

Almost like I was experiencing some intense emotion.

Like the fireworks stemmed from something.

Somewhere.

Somewhere real."

I looked at Nia.

I too was curious.

I did not feel a thing.

"Never mind."

She shrugged it off.

"Call it intuition."

She joked.

"It was just really exhilarating."

She went quiet for a moment.

Puzzled look on her face.

"Sherwin, I want to stay here."

I looked at Nia.

I realised what was happening.

She was starting to fall in love with Utopia.

I feared that that might happen.

"Don't be silly.

You know you can't."

She hunched on her knees in front of me.

The navy khakis now seemed almost black on her.

The camouflage really worked well in the blue light.

If it was dark, one would not be able to see Nia at all.

Except perhaps for her white hair and bright face.

"Why not?"

She frowned.

Almost sad.

"Because this can't be."

I rowed faster.

We were getting closer to the forest.

The trees were becoming bigger with every row of the oar.

"Why?"

"Be patient.

I will show you.

That is the only way.

I promise.

You will see."

You will see.

"Are you going to answer my question?"

I looked at Nia.

I hoped that she would let it be.

She got back on her special cushion.

Looked at me.

Almost as if she was reading me.

She then sighed.

Then showed me her beautiful teeth.

Her eyes sparkled.

Those doe eyes.

Simply captivating.

"No one ever took care of me the way you did."

Nia didn't look away.

Tears seemed to come to her eyes.

"No one has ever made me feel the way you did."

"That's nothing.

I'm sure any guy would do it.

It's you that bring it out."

I didn't look away.

Just smiled.

"No, Sherwin.

It's not nothing.

And that is not true either."

She sat up straight and looked at me.

Doe eyes filled with tears.

"It's you.

When will you realise that?

When will you start believing that you are a beautiful soul?"

I just kept looking at Nia.

I really tried my best to keep a straight face.

Now would not be the time to give in to the pain.

God help me.

My head was heavy.

"The way you take care of me, it's like I am not sick at all.

Taking pills is fun with you.

It's more like I am in for a treat.

I enjoy the maze you made.

I love that it can be changed.

Getting the ball out is always challenging and great fun.

The pills really more of a reward.

Rather than being mandatory."

She drifts off quick.

Smiles.

Then looks at me again.

"My herbal tea is like it's the best beverage around, because you savour it like you enjoy it.

Like you wouldn't want to drink anything else, had you been given a choice.

Which you always are.

It's not that you want me to drink it.

You entice me to.

Without it being obvious."

I wanted to smile.

However did I manage that?

That was obviously not true.

I hated that bugle weed and lemon balm mixture.

Umf.

It's because I love her.

That much is true.

"You don't know what that means to me, Sherwin.

I don't like this illness.

I don't want people to know about it.

I hate that I have it.

But, when I met you.

Everything was sort of better.

I had someone who knew about it.

That same someone also made it seem that he didn't know about it at all.

I felt normal."

Tears slowly trickled down her cheeks.

She wiped them away.

"Please don't cry."

I wanted to go to her.

To comfort her.

"Don't worry.

I am just being silly.

It's just hard."

She looked at me.

"I'm really sorry, Sherwin."

She took a deep breath and looked into the sky.

As if looking for some strength.

The blue light highlighting the tears on her face.

Her beautiful white face.

"I was selfish.

I wanted that feeling to remain."

She looked at me.

More tears trickled down her face.

"I didn't want it to disappear.

I didn't want you to disappear."

She kept wiping tears from her eyes.

It too tore at my heart.

My heart that was already on fire.

Each tear she shed, was like a knife to my heart.

I didn't want Nia crying.

She was too beautiful to cry like that.

The only tears should be tears of joy.

Tears of laughter.

My sweetpea, must always be crying happily.

"When I was faced with the choice to stay your friend or to sever all ties with you, I followed my heart, instead of my head.

And I knew that that was wrong of me.

I always knew you liked me.

More than just a friend.

And I ignored that too."

She slowly cried less.

She wiped the tears from her cheeks and wiped her hands on her khakis.

"I am a horrible person.

I hurt you and you don't deserve it."

I skipped over to Nia.

Placed the oars to our right and took her hand in mine.

"Nia, you're not a horrible person.

I understand.

That's the way you made me feel too.

Like I was normal.

You know you helped me deal.

With the past."

Nia shook her head.

"Still."

She looked away.

"Those things... Giel... said.

What I... said."

She looked at me.

Smiled sincerely.

"You didn't deserve it.

I'm really sorry."

I looked at her and squeezed her hand.

"It's all in the past."

Not forgotten.

But in the past.

May God help me to forgive.

And in time, to forget.

"Let's not talk about this any further.

That's not important anymore."

I squeezed her hand.

"Thank you for telling me."

We both smiled.

I stood up and looked at the lake.

The water sure looked good.

I was sure it would help me to cool down.

Without giving it another thought, I took off my shirt and dived in.

Shoes and all.

The water was great.

Exactly what I needed.

Though my head still pounded.

My heart still on fire.

The water quenched some thirst that was deep within me.

Then there was a blur of bubbles.

A face.

Doe eyes.

Wet.

Nia.

Immediately the water went mild.

She swam around in circles

Kicked against the boat.

Went straight towards the bottom of the lake.

Plants started blossoming.

Their petals giving off a subtle glow.

They were all different colours.

The bright kind.

Lighting Nia's way.

As she descended into the depths of Lake Tranquillity.

Webbed-sock-feet.

Umf.

My sweetpea.

A school of tiny blue fish sort of swam around Nia.

Bubbles forming all around her.

She put her head into the bubbles.

She suddenly smiled wide.

Then, as if she had renewed energy, she just swam further into the water.

I had to get back to the surface.

The water was now warmer.

I kept looking to see Nia.

I could see her clearly.

All lit by the glow of the water flowers.

She seemed to try and pick them, but they just disappeared right in front of her.

Some burst into tiny pieces that glowed and then just seemed to swim away.

Umf.

Nia tried to catch the tiny blue fish too.

They sort of let her close her hand around them.

Slid away through her fingers.

She seemed to be giggling whenever they did that.

I swam back to the boat.

Hung on the side.

Made sure that I could see Nia.

The blue shine, in the sky, was now almost gone.

We were almost there.

Protected-Dreams-Forest.

*Peek-a-boo*

The trees stood.

Majestic.

A rare sight indeed.

Not like any trees I have ever seen before.

These seemed to grow much bigger.

They looked sort of ancient.

The branches were what made them look odd.

All sort of in particular shapes.

Like they were not branches at all.

Or perhaps just branches I have never seen before.

Umf.

I smirked at myself.

Obvious.

I suddenly felt a sting of hot water.

First my feet, then my legs.

My thighs.

Till it hit my chest.

Fused with my burning heart.

I wanted to scream out in pain.

A hand grabbed me.

The touch of it burned my skin.

It was Nia.

She was trying to pull me into the water.

She seemed to be smiling at me.

I tried not to pull away from Nia.

It took real effort.

The touch of her hand scorched.

When she realised I wasn't going to give in, she swam fast to the surface.

Her head emerged.

She then pushed me down into the water.

Holding my shoulders down.

Her touch was like fire.

But I could see that Nia was unaware of this.

She was playing with me.

She started tickling my sides.

Fire, fire with every touch.

I tried not to show the pain.

She was touching me.

I was bear chested.

And all I could feel was fire.

Sigh.

I swam away from Nia.

She followed me.

"I'm gonna getcha."

She screamed.

She must think I was racing her.

Good thing too.

Didn't want her to think I was trying to get away from her.

Out of the water.

I could feel the earth beneath my feet.

Nia right on my heels.

She seemed to have decided against jumping me, when she saw the trees.

Went completely still in the water.

You could just see her head.

Her pretty head.

Doe eyes.

Filled with wonder.

Her hands gently playing through the water.

She swims to the edge quick.

Gets out of the water.

Her clothes seemed to dry immediately.

Nia noticed that.

But the trees were what had her attention.

Nia loved trees.

She liked to climb them.

Especially those on her dad's farm.

These left her speechless.

I got out of the water.

Soaked.

Utopia was only here for Nia.

Umf.

It could have been different.

No.

It was different.

But since that night.

Things changed.

I didn't want to think about it.

Nia didn't seem to even notice me standing next to her.

I was also left in awe.

We seemed to be mere ants compared to these trees.

It was dark.

The Dark ever present.

I hoped Nia would not go moody on me.

Now.

The mood swings.

That would be a tragedy.

Here we were not safe at all.

"Have a little faith."

Nia was looking at me.

"What are you talking about?"

Could she read minds now too?

"Hey.

I know that face.

Sher's look of despair.

Your grave face."

She smirks.

I stifled a smile.

Umf.

"What's that?"

Nia stepped suddenly towards me.

Touched my chest.

I anticipated the heat.

Prepared myself not to scream.

But there was nothing.

Just the soft touch of Nia's hand.

Gentle.

It explored my chest.

"Sherwin.

What are these?"

I turned away from Nia and put my shirt back on.

"It's nothing."

I walked forward.

"Come.

This way."

Nia didn't argue.

She just followed me into the forest.

God help us.

vi

Tuesday, 22 January 1991.

Georgie was holding his private parts.

He started falling apart.

I could see how the skin sort of peeled off his flesh.

His flesh was like it was eaten away.

It did not look normal.

But I could not stop staring.

I heard the squish of the flesh as it landed on the ground.

Immediately it turned to maggots.

No.

The maggots started slithering from the flesh.

Until all it was, was a heap of maggots.

They started slithering towards Simoné very fast.

The boy exploded.

The dust started swirling and twirling towards Simoné too.

The maggots and the black dust started intertwining.

It was more that the maggots helped the black dust to take form.

I could see him.

Big and real.

Behind Simoné.

Georgie got up quickly.

His nose and mouth still bleeding.

With his right hand, he covered his right eye.

With his left hand, he supported the small of his back.

"Going... (spits blood)... to get you.

Bloody whitey!"

He ran away.

Limping.

I saw as Georgie passed right through it.

The slime of the maggots smeared his whole body.

His hair too.

Worst was the black noose that seemed to form around Georgie's neck.

He did not seem to notice it at all.

The noose snapped free from the rest of its body and seemed to stay with Georgie as he kept limping away.

It looked at me.

Those eyes.

They were not normal at all.

The left eye looked really dark.

Pitch black.

Almost like a huge, smooth, black pearl.

No white at all.

The right eye was grey.

Like it was blind.

It protruded like a grape.

Its body had a strange pulsing red glow to it.

Almost like it was on fire.

It reached with its left hand for Simoné.

Just as it was about to grab her around the neck, it gave a loud scream.

It did not sound human at all.

I heard it all the way to my bone.

It left me with a feeling of absolute despair.

I was now really scared out of my wits.

It closed its mouth.

Immediately the black dust started untwining from the maggots.

The maggots all fell on a heap behind Simoné.

Slithering in their own slime.

The dust disappeared into thin air.

Simoné came closer to me, but I moved backwards.

The dust started spinning in front of me.

Like it was trying to noose me too.

I kept looking at Simoné too.

She didn't seem to notice a thing.

Then I turned and ran in the direction of the train tracks.

The black dust swirling and twirling after me.

vii

Nia was almost against me.

I could feel her breath on my skin.

She kept looking around.

I could tell that she was afraid.

"Hey," I stopped walking and turned to face her.

She let go of my shoulder, but still kept close to me.

The soft light of the forest.

Highlighting her short, white hair.

Her pretty head seemed aglow.

But that was all just the light of the forest.

Her clothes all dark.

"Don't be afraid," I tried my best to sound reassuring.

More convincing.

If I had to be really honest, I would have told her to be afraid.

To be very afraid.

But I could not do that to her.

I had to have faith.

Just like Nia said.

My sweetpea.

"This is Protected-Dreams-Forest.

Don't be afraid.

All here is protected.

Can't you see?"

I looked around.

Nia did the same.

She looked at me.

I looked at her.

Doe eyes.

Confused.

"I only see big, creepy trees."

She came closer to me.

"At first I thought they were great."

She put her head on my shoulder.

"Now they just seem weird.

How can I not be afraid?"

I stood away from Nia.

I took her hand in mine and led her to one of the trees closest to us.

It was huge.

Definitely more than 10 feet at the base.

There were many empty bird's nests.

All along the many, odd shaped branches.

Towards the bottom.

The bark was covered in dead moss and lots of spider webs.

I positioned Nia in front of the tree.

"Relax."

Nia seemed hesitant.

But she seemed to try and do as I asked.

"Now.

Look."

Nia looked at me confused.

I motioned to the tree.

Nia looked at the tree.

Doe eyes.

Searching.

Uncertain of what they are supposed to see.

"I only see spider webs and dead plants!"

She shouted.

Frustrated.

"What is it that I am supposed to see?"

I went to stand beside her.

I didn't try to take her hand.

She crossed her arms.

"Relax and look."

I just repeated again.

She almost seemed to want to shout.

But instead just took a deep breath in.

She slowly blew it out.

Eyed me with slit eyes.

Then back at the tree.

She explored it.

Doe eyes.

Opening.

More.

Wider.

She put her hand to her mouth.

She stepped closer to the tree.

Then she looked back at me.

She wanted to smile.

She also looked like she wanted to cry.

Like something was stirring her to tears.

She gushed out loud.

Then smiled.

Beautiful white teeth.

Tears slowly flowing from her eyes.

"Why are you crying?"

She wiped the tears from her eyes and smiled.

"Can't you see?"

She asked as if she was surprised.

"It's beautiful."

"What is?"

She looked at me.

Now more confused.

"That.

Whatever that is.

The pretty thing.

Holding the thingy.

You know."

She looked as if she couldn't believe she had to explain it to me.

"Can you honestly not see it, Sherwin?"

She turned to me.

Doe eyes accusing.

I stepped closer to Nia.

"All I see are trees, Nia.

The rest is only for you.

The dreams protected in this forest are yours alone.

I cannot see them.

Unless you wanted me to."

She looked at me.

Still confused.

"The reason the bird's nests are empty.

The bark covered with spider webs.

Is so that he, and the rest, can pass this by.

They cannot sense the life that exists here.

The dreams that are protected.

While you are asleep.

It all appears as an abandoned, dead forest.

Though it is filled with life.

Dreams.

All the things you want or hold dear.

Are protected here.

This is Protected-Dreams-Forest.

It protects your dreams.

It protects you.

Can you see it?"

Nia looks at me.

Then back at the tree.

This time she steps back.

Puts her hand to her mouth.

Her eyes.

Open wide.

Those doe eyes.

Seeing things that I could not describe.

Umf.

My sweetpea.

More tears trickled down her cheeks.

Sometimes she gasp-ed.

Other times she gushed.

Sometimes she seemed not to breathe at all.

She was in a world of her own.

My headache suddenly gave a hard thump.

I cringed.

This was out of my control.

My eye sort of twitched.

I fell against the tree.

Nia didn't seem to notice a thing.

I leaned against the tree for a bit.

My chest on fire.

More and more I felt an impending doom.

I tried to stand up straight.

Slowly.

The headache throbbed less.

I gained control.

Nia had started walking further.

I followed her.

When I was beside her, she looked at me.

Surprised.

"Sherwin! You'll give me a heart attack!"

She took a deep breath in.

Laughed.

"Sorry. I completely forgot that you were here."

She looked back at the trees again.

She was no longer crying.

She was smiling in awe.

"Oh, Sher. I wish you could see it."

She said that, but really only to herself.

"I can."

Nia jerked her head.

Her eyes curious.

"If you wanted me to."

She came closer to me.

Stood right in front of me.

We were inches apart.

I could feel her breath on my face.

Her eyes now more imploring.

The soft light of the forest.

A glimmer in the dark.

"How?"

She took my right hand in both hers.

"Tell me."

She sort of frowned.

"Well..." I tried to sound casual.

With Nia so close to me.

Holding my hand.

It was hard to focus really.

I never knew it could be like this.

Was never prepared for this.

That it would all seem so real.

It was real enough to me.

Umf.

My sweetpea.

If she only knew the things she did to me.

Unaware.

Of course.

Or so I always thought.

"It won't be easy."

"I'll try?"

Like she wanted to know how.

"It's more complex than climbing into the small box. This part the connection can't help you with."

I had Nia's complete attention.

Doe eyes.

Focused.

Only on mine.

Beautiful eyes.

In this light, they seemed almost green.

"This will require trust."

Nia didn't blink.

"You will have to trust me.

That is the only way."

"But I do trust you." Nia seemed confused.

"I know."

I tried to sound reassuring.

Didn't want Nia to think I thought that she didn't trust me.

"But this requires you trusting me with the things you have never told me."

Nia let go of my hand.

She put her hand to her mouth.

She turned around.

Looked at things I could not see.

We were almost in the middle of the forest.

The two paths ahead, lay feet away.

They're position marked by the three trees that seemed to actually be one tree.

You had to be far away, to see that they were three individual trees.

I could feel that another throb was about to come.

I did what I could to keep myself alert.

Slapped my face.

Cracked my neck.

Shook my fingers loose.

As if to avoid losing control again.

I knew I had myself fooled.

Have faith, my sweetpea said.

Yes.

Have faith.

Nia turned around and looked at me again.

She smiled.

Shyly.

I smiled too.

"Well, I have never told you ab..."

I motioned "no" with my hand.

I walked closer to her.

"You don't have to tell me, Nia.

Just trust me."

Nia looked confused.

"Let's both look at the tree, shall we."

I walked to the one closest to our right.

It had six empty birds' nests.

One on each of the six branches.

These were odder looking than the rest.

It had a complete spider web at the bottom.

An orbed web.

Intricate.

Delicate.

The house of the spider.

Flimsy really.

Easily destroyed.

This one united by what looked like only six strings.

Nia came to stand next me.

Eyes filled with expect-ations.

Umf.

My sweetpea.

A fairy.

Fairy in the dark forest.

My fairy.

Head aglow.

Lighting my way.

My sweetpea.

She came to stand right beside me.

To my right.

"Just trust me."

I smiled at her.

She smiled back.

Then we both looked at the tree.

I could still only see the single spider web.

The bark of the tree.

Thick.

Old.

Covered in moss.

The soft light of the forest seemed to disappear.

It was now absolutely dark.

I could barely see Nia beside me.

Then, I saw a slight shimmer.

It seemed to be coming from the spider web.

More like it was behind the spider web.

It became larger.

An almost purplish glow.

Like it was a globe of some sort.

I couldn't be sure.

The spider web made it difficult to see.

I looked at Nia.

She looked at me.

Doe eyes.

Asking.

Can you see?

I smiled.

Looked back at the tree.

The spider web was gone.

Or transformed?

It was still there.

But.

Now it looked more like it was a veil.

A soft piece of see through cloth.

I stepped closer to it.

Nia kept close to me.

I could just feel her hand touch mine.

It sent shivers down my spine.

I could feel the hairs on my arms and back.

Stand up straight.

Nia didn't seem to notice a thing.

She just looked at the tree.

Already as if she had forgotten about me.

She was totally entranced.

I went even closer to the tree.

Reached for the veil.

Slowly.

I was not sure if I would be able to touch it.

I grabbed at it.

Again.

Slowly.

My fingers grabbed at thin air.

Like my fingers went straight through it.

I looked back at Nia.

"I'm trying," she said.

A bit frustrated.

She smiled though.

I smiled too.

Then looked back at the tree.

Slowly I reached for the veil again.

Took a deep breath in.

Faith.

I had to trust too.

Trust that Nia trusted me.

There could be no doubts.

I breathed out.

Reached for the veil again.

Yes.

This time it worked.

It felt like silk in my hand.

Soft.

Smooth.

Tangible.

Almost indestructible.

I looked at Nia.

She smiled broadly.

I pulled the veil towards me.

And sure as God.

I saw it.

A flower.

The purple globe was a flower.

The petals were the source of the glow.

Unlike any plant I have ever laid my eyes on.

This one had a stem.

But it did not seem to be growing from the ground.

No.

It was like the plant was suspended in the air.

I looked closer.

Confused.

It looked like the plant was embedded in the air.

Like it was clutching to something.

Something hidden from my eyes.

The stigma was a fiery red.

It sort of pulsed.

Like a heartbeat.

The pulses became more frequent.

Like it was beating faster.

Then.

A tiny orange ball emerged from the stigma's tip.

It floated slowly into the air.

A weak, orangey glow.

It looked fragile.
More incredible was the feeling that came over me.

A sort of comfort.

Like I was absolutely safe.

For that single moment, my headache was completely gone.

I was unaware of the fire.

Burning.

Burning in my heart.

I was filled with only this sense of comfort.

The tree was no more.

Instead I saw the thing.

The thing holding the thingy.

I smiled at these words.

Nia's words.

They suddenly seemed most appropriate.

How else could one describe it?

Other than the thing.

Holding the thingy.

It looked like nothing I had ever seen before.

Hard to describe.

The feeling of comfort became that of some surety.

Surety of success.

Without warning, I stepped further towards it.

Nia came closer too.

She took my hand.

The veil now behind us.

The thing seemed oblivious to our presence.

It just kept holding the thingy.

The thingy was like an odd shaped stick.

That was the only thing I could compare it with.

It was however not a stick.

It was like it was there.

Then like it was not there.

Went from solid.

To translucent.

Sometimes it seemed to disappear.

Like it was literally not there.

But just as you thought it was gone.

It was back again.

Solid.

Then, before you could be sure.

Translucent.

It was really impossible to tell.

The tip was the strangest.

It was circular in shape.

More oval.

An oval sphere.

Empty.

I was sure of this.

The outline clearly visible.

But the sphere was not translucent.

It was the strangest thing.

The thing held it to its side.

Suddenly, the tip opened.

Almost as if it was peeling away.

Gently.

Revealing a green, fleshy part.

The thingy changed colour too.

Then it went completely black.

Only the green sphere was now visible.

It seemed like a rugby ball.

Stuck in the air.

Next to the thing.

All green and fleshy.

Nia and I both stared at it in wonder.

The orange ball started floating towards it.

As the ball was right above it.

The fleshy, green sphere opened like a mouth.

It seemed to swallow the orange ball.

Fast.

For what seemed like only a few seconds.

The ball seemed to be floating inside the oval shape.

Then it was visible no more.

The layers peeled back.

The fleshy green.

Gone.

The thingy started that disappearing thing again.

But strangest now, was the oval shape itself.

It seemed to be on fire.

The thing got up.

Floated.

I was not sure.

Seemed to hover for a second.

Then it just lifted the thingy into the air.

Almost like it was a bat.

It then flicked the thingy forward hard.

The sphere came loose from the tip and flew with immense speed into what I thought was thin air.

But I was wrong.

I could see it clearly now.

There were things hanging from the air.

I didn't bother to figure out what it was.

It did not matter.

More important was the way everything seemed to work together.

The sphere was not tossed at all.

It was removed from the tip of the thingy.

"Grabbed" securely.

Quick.

Ever gentle.

Whatever removed it, seemed to be handing it to what looked like more of the same things.

Suspended from nowhere.

Each movement swift.

Precise.

The oval sphere always secure.

It all happened so fast.

It really looked like the sphere was tossed from the end of the thingy.

Nia and I followed it.

I glanced at the thing.

I was not sure what I was seeing.

All I knew was that we were safe.

This thing was like a guardian.

It was not human and most definitely not an animal.

I was however not afraid.

It seemed to be unaware of us.

I tried not to glance at it for too long.

I felt a strange feeling coming from it.

Like if I stared at it for too long.

I would not be able to move.

Not that it froze you in place.

No.

It was like I would compel myself to stay.

Never leave.

It made me feel safe.

Nia smiled at me.

As if she felt what I felt.

She smiled like she understood.

For this moment.

We were really connected.

Like Nia and I was one.

And we were safe.

Then.

The thing and the thingy were gone.

The oval sphere was the last thing I saw.

It became an empty bird's nest.

Then, all that remained, were the trees.

I fell to the ground.

I started twitching.

Uncontrollable.

The headache banged like it was trying to escape from my head.

The burning fire once again ablaze.

This time Nia saw me.

Terrified look on her face.

But she was not looking at me.

She was staring past me.

Doe

eyes.

Filled with horror.

I looked in the direction Nia was looking.

I saw them.

Red eyes.

All hiding behind the trees.

Lots of red eyes.

Watching us.

Nia screamed.

Will he catch her.

Whisperers.

*I-see-you*

The Dark Tunnel

i

2010

My head pounded like crazy.

Literally like someone took a sledgehammer to it.

It felt heavy.

I was dazed.

Confused.

I found it difficult to concentrate.

I struggled to breath.

I put my hand to my chest.

It didn't bring any relief.

My chest was on fire.

Same as before.

Slowly I lifted my head.

Looked around.

The trees.

Yes.

Protected-Dreams-Forest.

Slowly things started coming back to me.

Nia.

I suddenly realized.

Where is she?

I quickly scanned the area.

I saw her in the distance.

Something was with her.

I could not be sure what it was.

It was too dark to clearly see.

In places the forest was on fire.

How?

Did the fire reach the forest already?

I remembered.

Yes.

Uhm.

Those things.

They were responsible for the fire.

I cringe.

Where were they?

I rose to my feet.

Lightheaded.

I stumble and fall against a tree.

Started moving again as soon as I was able to focus my eyes.

I went in the direction I saw where Nia was.

My whole body was in pain.

But I ignored it.

I had to get to Nia.

Before.

I don't know.

It was difficult to make sense of things.

I was not sure what exactly happened.

One minute we were surrounded.

The next I was coming to.

Face first in the dirt.

How and what happened.

I wasn't sure.

We simply had to keep moving.

We have to get out of the forest.

At least we didn't have much further to go.

We were now way beyond the point where the two paths were.

Luckily it seems we went right.

So we were not too far from the edge of the forest.

As soon as we are out.

We will be safe.

Safer.

I was feeling less disoriented.

The bluish-black thing slipped into the darkness as soon as I was in view of Nia.

She came running towards me.

She seems scared.

But it was at the sight of me.

For once it seemed like she was afraid for my wellbeing.

She put her arm around my waist and told me to lean against a tree.

I was glad to see Nia.

Safe.

Doe eyes

like she had been crying.

"Are you okay?"

The words hurt my throat.

My mouth was dry.

"I'm perfect. Better than perfect."

Nia seems almost sad as she says this.

I wondered what was bothering her.

She looks back to where the thing disappeared and then back at me.

She scans my face.

Reaches with her right hand to my forehead and cheek.

I didn't show the pain as she assessed the wounds.

Nothing major I guessed.

Bruises and cuts.

Same with my legs and arms.

Nothing was so badly hurt that I couldn't manage own my own.

With Nia with me.

Safe.

I suddenly had renewed strength.

How did she make it by herself?

However it happened.

All praise belongs to God.

I look at Nia and smile.

Doe eyes.

Still hiding things from me.

Something must have happened to Nia.

But now was not the time to figure that out or even ask.

Now we had to go.

"Come." I said.

I did my best not to stumble or cringe.

I had to show Nia that I was okay.

So that she didn't have to start worrying about me too.

"We have to keep moving.

The forest is not safe."

I start walking.

Slowly.

Then faster.

With more confidence.

After a few feet.

I turn to find that Nia was still standing where I left her.

She seems to be staring off into the darkness.

"Nia," I call softly.

In case there was something still in the area.

Where were they all?

There were so many of them and now suddenly nothing.

Only evidence that they were here was the fire.

Some bushes and trees were flat on the ground.

I couldn't think what would have caused these trees to fall to the ground.

I mean.

The trees were gigantic.

We mere ants compared to it.

I would have to ask Nia.

Perhaps she remembers.

For now.

"Nia, please. We must leave."

She stares at me quick and gestures she is coming with her hand.

She looks back one last time.

Shrugs her shoulders and then starts tippy-toeing towards me.

That was a good sign.

I wanted to ask what she was looking at.

But thought it best to let it be.

Now we just had to get away from the forest quick.

"This way."

Nia took my hand.

I didn't have time to even enjoy it.

Just kept looking around.

One never knows where they might be hiding.

ii

We reached the edge of the forest without any further hindrance.

I was relieved at the sight of the bright light.

The Bright.

Nia seems to be relieved as well.

She baths her face.

Her cheeks seem to go more pink.

The porcelain skin.

Smooth contours.

The dark lavender.

Those velvety doe eyes.

I brush it off quick.

Uhm.

*Nia*

We had to keep moving.

We were still not safe.

I walk over to the bushes to our left.

Remove the branches.

It was exactly where I hid it.

But how?

"Sherwin!"

*Sheeeeeeeeeeeerrrwin!*

"It's gorgeous!"

She walks over quick.

Those full breasts.

Bouncing together with excitement.

I had to be careful.

This I sensed more now than before.

Something was not right.

Nia runs her fingers over the handles, down, all the way to the exhaust.

"Ducati," she whispers.

She looks at me and smiles.

"Where did you get the money for this?"

Umf.

My sweetpea.

She always made me laugh.

I told her many times before where I got the money.

When she asked me about the wood for the chest.

The Philippines are a far way away she had said.

By boat or by plane.

She was strange then.

But I think she was simply overwhelmed.

At the gesture.

Nia could never really accept things from me.

I can't explain.

She took them.

But it was.

I don't know.

Perhaps I was the one imagining things.

Wouldn't be the first time.

Umf.

Uhm.

"Uhm."

I clear my throat.

"You know what they say about inheritance."

I smile at Nia.

She smiles back.

Beautiful white teeth.

As if to say, oh.

But also as if to ask, who died?

Like she was not sure if she was supposed to be happy or sad.

Say what about Nia.

When she was alert.

She was aware of others feelings.

She didn't wish to insult or intrude.

I enjoyed that about Nia.

But curious she remained.

Even if a subject seemed off limits or taboo.

She would want to understand.

Why.

Not to pry.

Simply to understand.

We all have such interesting stories to share.

That's what Nia always said.

If we would simply open our mouths and stop caring what whoever else thinks.

Nia got a few people upset with that attitude.

Umf.

"Are we going to take it for a spin?"

Nia was excited.

She took the helmet meant for her.

It was yellow with two bold black stripes.

Nia chose it herself.

"You're not disappointed that there's no black stallion or pink unicorn?"

I look up at Nia.

Serious expression on my face.

Nia didn't miss a beat.

"Those are for sissies. Give me a bike anytime. Woo-Hoo!"

*Wooooo-hooooooooo*

She does a rock on sign.

Umf.

That's my Nia.

Fair Lady.

Likes bikes just as much as I do.

Umf.

I'm not sure if I'll ever let her drive though.

If the way she handles the car is any indication to go by.

Let's just say we will all be a lot safer on the road.

With Nia.

Not behind the wheel.

Uhm.

Ha-ha.

"V-twin cylinder. Desmodromic..."

"No return spring. Less cam drag and less wear..."

She says.

Nia didn't miss a thing.

"Ducati traction control..."

"Much better handling."

Nia smiles.

She knew her bikes.

She was always working on cars and such with her dad.

She serviced and repaired her dad's tractor all by herself.

"The design more like the..."

"998."

Nia finishes my sentence.

I loved that.

"Yes."

I smile.

I get Nia's jacket.

Leather.

It was yellow too.

With the words Born Free on the back.

That was Nia's motto.

I helped her to put it on.

I let her zip the front herself.

My hands might just linger too long.

Like a pervert.

I didn't want Nia to think that.

I put on my Ferrari jacket.

Nia zips it up for me.

She smiles as she reaches my neck.

She gently caresses my chin.

Runs her fingers over the day long stubble.

She puts her left hand to my right brow.

She carefully taps the tender bump.

How I got it.

I can't remember.

No.

Nothing.

I enjoyed Nia's soft touch.

Uhm.

This was no good.

I step back and gesture that it's time to go.

Nia puts on her helmet.

I was about to start the bike.

"Sexy sexy sexy!"

Umf.

My sweetpea.

"Sexy blond on a hot, red bike. Woo-hoo!"

Sexy.

Did she mean it?

"Nicky Hayden. Woo-Hoo!"

*Wooooo-Hoooooo!*

She seems to drift off in her thoughts.

Even through the small opening of the helmet.

I could see it.

I'll take that as a compliment.

Not only was he blessed with raw talent.

He worked exceptionally hard too.

Always polite and respectful.

I was one of his biggest fans.

Uhm.

"You think I look like him?"

I ask Nia.

Curiously.

She smiles wide.

"You do have the same look about you. Accept for the eyes of course."

She seems to give it some thought.

"Yes and no."

She seems uncertain.

"Good yes or bad no?"

I carry on.

Wanting to know.

"Let's go."

Nia laughs.

She puts down her helmet shield.

Gets on the bike.

Bit of a squeeze, but she snuggles tight against me.

Arms around my waist.

I took it in for the moment.

Then drove off in the direction of Nia's Drive.

It was a road that went all along the mountain.

The view from there was spectacular.

You could see across to the thirteen waterfalls that lay to the west.

I don't remember us ever visiting there.

Then again.

It felt like we did.

Something was not right.

I sensed trouble.

With Nia's arms around me.

I was comforted.

With Nia with me.

Things would be okay.

Uhm.

Relax.

Yes.

Dear Lord, please be with us.

iii

I stop the bike.

Takes a while to come to a complete halt.

It skids slightly.

We were travelling quite fast.

Needle just-just gave that last dial a sweet peck.

Nia held on tighter.

Almost like she was holding on for her dear life.

Umf.

Nia.

My sweetpea.

She can hold me like this anytime.

I put my feet down.

There was no way that we could go any further.

Nia gets off the bike.

She walks over to the edge.

Of the huge crack.

It ripped all along the road.

Some places the road was completely gone.

I park the bike and run over to Nia.

She sure could take chances.

What if the edge comes loose and off she goes.

Or the road just collapses beneath her.

Oh, Nia.

As I approach her.

She gives me a glare.

That glare.

Drama queen written all over her face.

I smile and instead go stand next to her.

She takes off her helmet.

Runs her hands through her hair quick.

Then looks at me.

I lift up my helmet shield.

"What do you think happened here?"

Nia was almost sad.

Like she couldn't understand.

Nia never really understood what was going on here.

Why I was always scared.

Or nervous.

She experienced Utopia different to me.

She could see things I didn't.

Go places I couldn't.

Sometimes we'd be completely in tune.

Other times totally not communicating at all.

There were times when I could completely be with her here.

Other times, I'd rather not be here.

Because of him.

Of course.

With me near Nia.

She would just be in terrible danger.

Uhm.

It was better not to be near Nia in certain places.

Yes.

But also because I was denied Nia.

In many places it was best that she be alone.

But it was exactly the places where she would want someone to be with her.

More than just friends.

A lover.

I of course wanted to be there with her.

Umf.

But there.

With her.

I only experienced pain.

Excruciating pain.

And it was always Nia.

Her caress.

In those places.

It was.

Yes.

Denied.

Her touch I was granted.

But only while experiencing that intense heat.

A deep pain that ached to the bone.

Sometimes it would just be a million stings wherever she touched me.

It was too intense to bear.

Though I tried.

I did.

I hungered for her touch then.

Just her sweet caress.

But all it did was.

Cause despair.

Uhm.

This was all part of what was going on.

I started understanding better.

Yes.

It was coming from all sides.

The fire to the left.

These cracks.

Probably some Utopia-quake.

I guessed that there would be more.

We would have to move.

But I didn't know where to.

We could go back to the forest.

Take the road to the left.

Pray that we can get to the ledge that leads straight to the castle's dungeons.

Pray that those traitors don't get to the dungeons first.

I suddenly panicked.

Dare we really go back into the forest?

I didn't like that idea at all.

Oh, Lord.

What shall we do.

I stare at Nia.

She smiles.

Still as if waiting for an answer.

She always let me drift off in my thoughts.

"Freak accident," I say.

She smiles.

She puts her helmet back on.

"Guess we'll have to take The Tunnel then."

The Tunnel?

"I have wanted to see those stalactites and stalagmites again."

What was Nia talking about?

"I could never say if they were blue or purple. Perhaps both."

"What are you talking about, Nia?"

I ask concerned.

For her.

Was she okay?

Concerned.

For myself.

Was I okay?

Did I forget something?

Again?

"Don't you remember?"

Nia comes closer to me.

"We went there last time, after we flew around with that huge thing.

The Abandoner.

Don't you remember?

Right there where that furry critter was singing y'all know what this is.

Rap or sing.

Can't be sure.

Frank-ly I was too taken by the light that was coming from the tunnel.

It was almost as beautiful as the moonlight.

Marble-light, as you say."

Nia reminisces.

I couldn't remember anything.

But if this is true, then we might have a chance.

A better one at least.

There were several secret passages to Nia's Castle.

Perhaps this was one.

And if Nia remembers it with fondness.

It must be a safe place too.

I hoped I was right.

I get back on the bike and start it up.

Nia immediately behind me.

Arms around my waist.

Just as I was going to move forward.

A huge boulder fell a distance away from us.

Right in the middle of the road.

Nia's grip tenses around my body.

The sudden tares and cracks had me worried too.

No other way but to go.

I drive us forward fast.

I see as more boulders start rolling down the mountain side.

Nia held me tight.

Again as if fearing for her life.

iv

Nia tugged at my side.

As if telling me to stop.

We were now at the edge of the forest.

*Peek-a-boo*

I bring the bike to a complete stop.

Turning 90 degrees so that we faced the road to our left.

What was left of it anyway.

Nia took off her helmet.

She was breathing fast.

I could feel her heart pounding as we were driving.

Avoiding the boulders.

Manoeuvring along the tares and wide cracks.

But I was now more nervous than before.

"Where's The Tunnel?"

I ask.

Impatiently.

Nia didn't seem bothered.

"Right there."

She points with her finger to our right.

I park the bike and take off my helmet.

Get off quick.

Nia with me.

She was heading to the edge.

There where the mountain and forest met.

I was not too sure about this.

"I see you."

I heard it right in my ear.

I look over to the forest.

It sounded like it was coming from there.

We were out of time.

"Are you sure it's here?"

I ask.

Trying to hide the tension I was feeling.

"Whisper."

In my head.

Loud and clear.

What was going on.

"There it is," says Nia as she rushes between a few trees.

She was right.

There was an opening between two trees.

Smaller than the usual forest trees.

*Whisper*

I didn't bother to inspect it any further.

It was our only way.

I start running towards the bike.

"Come, Nia!"

I put on my helmet and hop on the bike.

Starting it.

All in one go.

Nia quickly, tight against me.

Even through the noise of the engine as I revved hard.

I heard it.

"I see you."

I drove into the forest and stopped a distance from the tunnel entrance.

It was quite large.

I was however not sure what to expect once inside.

I felt the need to ease us into the tunnel gently.

But I had a bad feeling about that.

I think we should simply drive in fast.

Guns blazing!

Yes.

I rev hard and the bike skids off.

Nia holds on tight.

We were not too far from the trees now.

I saw them.

They were not trees at all.

I wanted to break.

I saw them face us as we came closer.

They looked familiar.

Those things in the forest.

Yes.

It was two of them.

Disguising themselves.

They had hair that were like branches.

The faces had chiselled features.

Almost like they were elves.

The eyes slanted sharp.

The noses small and pointy.

But I sensed no good from them.

These were menacing things.

I saw they're red eyes as we were now approaching them at full speed.

Almost about to reach the entrance.

The one jumped right in front of us.

I swerve past it.

Just bracing the trunk.

Or leg.

I was not sure what to make of these things.

It screams.

A splintered, angered scream.

The other knocks me in my side.

We go off balance.

But I manage to gain control quick.

Managing a wheelie as we narrowly escape.

Both things' screams echo down the tunnel.

They were not going to leave us.

They were now behind us.

Nia holds on tighter.

As I speed up.

v

It was dark in the tunnel.

But there was a blue haze to the walls.

Perhaps purple.

I couldn't be sure.

The tunnel curved sharp to the right.

I make the turn.

It was close.

The things right behind us.

As we enter the strait, the tunnel opened wider.

Till there were no walls any more.

Just open space.

Stalactites.

As if they were chandeliers.

Giving off the haze that was about us.

Some were brighter than others.

Some hung so low.

We could easily drive into them.

I had to concentrate.

Have my wits about me.

At this speed we would surely crash hard.

Perhaps the drone of the engine will make them all fall to the ground.

I focused.

Now was not the time to start worrying about things that were out of my control.

I just had to drive us through this.

We wouldn't make it otherwise.

The forest path was definitely out of the question.

Even if we did manage to escape these things.

I swerve quick.

Almost hitting it.

Huge stalagmite cluster right in the middle of the way.

Suddenly the ground to our left and right was gone.

I glanced down.

Just darkness where you looked.

The path narrowing to the front.

I was now more alert than ever.

Any sudden movements and we could topple of the sides.

I felt Nia press harder against me.

Heart beating like a hummingbirds.

She must be afraid.

Perhaps even exhilarated.

Nia did enjoy getting her heart racing.

But the tensed grip around my waist told me otherwise.

She must be praying that we make it out of this alive.

I heard their screams rush past us.

They were right on our heels.

I was amazed.

These creatures sure were fast.

We were at top speed.

Never did I manage to get it above 290 before.

I swear we were doing 300.

The path narrowing much more to the front.

It went suddenly up into a full circle.

I felt my stomach do that roller coaster thing.

I could normally not bear it for long.

I endured this though.

Uhm.

We were lucky.

Had we travelled any slower.

Nia and I would probably have fallen to the ground.

I could see them clearly as we went down fast.

They jumped but hit into each other as we were level again.

They were now a bit away in the distance.

I drove us along.

Trying hard to stay focused.

Sure was beautiful though.

The blue purple haze.

The deep dark depths.

The first stalactite cracked.

It fell and shattered.

Soon more and more of them started toppling to the ground.

Towards the front.

We were fast approaching.

No.

Several hundred feet away, a piece of the path had collapsed.

It was either stop.

Or jump.

We didn't have much of a choice.

It was several feet wide.

Luckily most of the stalactite had fallen into the deep depths.

Nia clasped her hands to my chest as we sped over the edge.

I saw it as if in slow motion.

The thick red lava below us.

The heat rushed up towards us.

My jacket felt suddenly hot on me.

Like the heat was literally burning my jacket.

Like it was sort of melting or something.

The heat scorched my bare legs too.

But I didn't feel a thing.

Or I endured it.

Perhaps it was the adrenalin pumping in my veins.

We hit the other side of the path.

Back wheel the first to make contact.

I wheelie us along.

Luckily the road widens again.

I hear one creature scream as it tumbles into the pit of lava.

The other nearly got a hold of us.

It just-just nudged at Nia's jacket.

I felt it as she pulled me backwards, as she tried to free herself from its grip.

Its fingers slip.

It hit the side of the path.

Hitting the side of the forming tunnel.

Into the deep dark depths it fell.

Screams echoing around us.

We made it.

"Whispers."

I spoke too soon.

It was inside my head.

I cringe at the sudden pain.

"Peek-a-boo."

I wanted to hold my hands to my head.

The pain was splintering.

"Think you can escape me?"

It was menacing.

The voice crept over my skin.

Literally like the voice was a part of my skin.

"Mwhahahahahahahahaha!"

*Mwha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha*

It sort of shook the walls.

More and more stalactites fell to the ground.

The tunnel was busy collapsing fast.

I had to do my best to not lose control.

"I see you."

My eyes started to twitch.

My vision blurred.

I manoeuvred us around more stalagmites that seemed to just pop up as we dangerously went around a curve.

I cringe again.

Almost took my right hand off the handle.

It was hard not to want to bang my hands against my head.

Wouldn't help much though.

Not with the helmet on.

Even without.

I felt the strange crawling feeling again.

My head throbbing.

Unlike the doof doof.

This was inside my mind.

More like something was trying to invade my mind.

It tried its best to find the cracks.

Nia's hands were still clasped to my chest.

Right where my heart was.

I'm sure she could feel it race.

But not even Nia's touch brought me any relief.

I saw as its face started forming right inside my helmet.

Like it was staring straight at me.

I couldn't see the road ahead.

We were driving entirely at the Lord's mercy.

There was nothing I could do.

It started taking shape more and more around us.

It was like it was fire.

Burning.

But you could see that the fire was blown backwards.

Like this thing was made of fire and the flames were being blown backwards because of the speed we were travelling at.

I had never encountered such a thing before.

Capable of such remarkable speed.

And at the same time able to penetrate my mind.

I saw images of myself as a child.

The day I lost Daddy.

The day Anubis died.

That day that Mommy got her scar.

I could see as he swung the golf club.

The metal knob hit her brow hard.

I could hear it crack.

As I remembered it now.

I heard the crack.

*Crack*

I shuddered.

I could feel his voice surge in my skin.

Again.

It was like fire too.

"I told you."

The gunshot went off in my head.

Anubis to the ground.

Him before he goes down too.

For a few moments.

I literally went deaf.

I heard its voice filter through the buzz.

"You're mine."

It starts taking shape more and more.

Blackish body.

Almost like coal.

No.

The black was not like it was solid.

Not at all.

The black was some kind of dark thing.

Sort of eating away at the thing.

Yes.

I could see it clearly now.

The thing was red.

It was literally fire.

This darkness.

Was consuming the fire.

It was like it was fuelling the things rage.

Infecting it.

"Where did you hide it?"

We hit a stalagmite.

It shatters as we drive right through it.

Purple pieces scatter everywhere.

It went right through him.

This thing.

Flames coming from its body.

It did not burn us.

It did manage to make the fire in my heart burn out of control though.

It was like the thing was fuel for the fire.

Burning in my heart.

He squeezes his hand.

I could feel my heart contract.

It was painful.

A sharp pain.

It stares me in the eyes.

"Tell me where you hid it."

*Now*

Now echoed in my head.

Kept repeating.

All I could hear was now.

This thing was now really starting to freak me out.

How did it manage to make all other sounds disappear?

How did it manage to speak to me right inside my mind?

The bike goes off balance.

We almost crash.

I do a risky manoeuvre past some obstacles.

How I managed, I don't know.

His face formed more in my helmet.

The helmet started squeezing my head.

He was now physically hurting it.

He stares at me with those fiery eyes.

Opens his mouth.

His tongue one solid flame.

I feel as my head gets squeezed more and more.

The pressure was unsettling.

He speaks.

I see his lips move.

The voice in my head though.

"You can't escape."

He drags his words.

It scratches my mind.

I can't explain.

Like Freddy, scratching his

metal-clawed brown leather glove across metal.

His words, against the walls of my mind.

Lord, please make it stop.

"You are mine."

*Mine*

It keeps repeating in my head.

"Mine."

He scratches long and hard.

How I was able to hold on to the bike.

I don't know.

Let alone keep it upright and going.

Nia was still tight against me.

I was not sure whether she was aware of what was going on.

"Where did you hide it!"

These words are quick.

Sharp.

"Tell me."

He screams.

Is it possible for one's brain to pop?

I suddenly wonder.

It felt like mine was about to.

I couldn't take it any longer.

I didn't know what else to do.

But scream.

"Shut up!"

My words drowning through the drone of the bike.

He smiles at me.

Again.

"Shut up!"

I screamed.

Uhm.

I look him in his eyes.

It seemed as if the fire was twirling around his irises like it was a gas.

It looked kind of cool.

But I didn't admire this thing at all.

"Just... shut... up."

I say.

This time in my mind.

I could feel as my words were propelled back by some force.

I managed to stay steady.

"You are nothing."

*Nothing*

I repeat it just as he did his words.

I saw the first sign of a way to get to him.

Uhm.

He was no longer smiling.

Triumphantly.

No.

He sort of smirks.

Before he could speak again.

"I fear you not!"

I shout.

It hurt my head to say the words.

He started squeezing harder.

Trying with all his might to push me out.

He wanted to be inside.

I figured it out.

"I fear only Him."

I make these words drone.

His face goes expressionless.

He knew exactly who I was referring too.

I look him in his eyes.

Started loosening his grip around my heart.

The flames rage more from his body.

"Now get the hell up out my face!"

As I say these words I push hard and pray.

Lord, please keep her safe.

We drive through a huge bush.

The Bright suddenly about us.

He shatters in front of us.

Embers scattering.

The chill.

Settles in.

Thank God.

He was gone.

I focus on the path again.

We made it.

We were safe.

I slow us down.

Stopped beneath a tree.

Nia jumps off the bike.

Quick.

Removes her helmet and stares at me.

Beautiful white teeth.

She was okay.

Thank you, Lord.

End of The Dark Tunnel.

Whisperers

__

**Inheritance**

**Windhoek, Namibia**

**2004**

This was the first time I met any of Daddy's family. It felt really awkward being here among them. The _will_ of my grandfather however stipulated that I should be present during the reading.

_Protest or contest_ by any of his children, family, friends, acquaintances or affiliates will not be _tolerated_.

I guess he meant serious _business._

_Protestant_ minister was also present.

I felt under-dressed.

In jeans and a shirt.

_Takkies._

Dirty old sneakers.

These people were all dressed as if they were headed for a funeral.

I was amazed though.

I knew I looked nothing like Mommy's family.

I looked like them.

The _Esterhuizens._

They were all blond with more green eyes and pale skin.

Just like mine.

My eyes more brown though.

I stood in a corner in the room.

The sons seem to glare at me.

The small children seem curious.

Uhm.

They came to the part of the will that concerned my father and I.

_And to, the bastard son of my exiled son, I leave everything, I would have wished to have left to my, eldest son,_

_Nicolaas Joachim Gielliam Llewellyn Albertus Johannes Hermanus Esterhuizen,_

_The three farms near Stampriet, all animals, houses, farm equipment and all rights as executive of staff and business relating to these farms._

__

One of Daddy's brothers hit with his fist hard against the table.

The _minister_ spoke to him and he seems to calm down.

He glares at me though.

Heard him whisper _bloody yellow mouth_ under his breath.

_Come to steal my farms._

Uhm.

Could understand why they needed the _minister_ here.

They continued.

_The rights to the lodge near Grootfontein, Tog Gevind,_

__

Daddy's youngest sister seems disappointed at that.

She looks me up and down.

Grabs her daughter that wanted to come closer to me.

She seemed fascinated by me.

Umf.

_Kids._

_as well as the sum of Two Million rand._

__

Wow.

_Since my son was taken from me before I could make things right with him, something I regret to this day, all this goes to his, son,_

_Sherwin Esterhuizen._

_He gains immediate rights to every property here above mentioned._

_The money, however, will be placed in a lucrative trust fund; he will be eligible to the money when he turns twenty five._

__

I couldn't believe it.

All of that just for me.

Daddy's family sure were rich.

That was the end of it all.

I had hoped that perhaps the family could bury the past.

Perhaps we could become friends.

But the cold chill I felt as they all left.

Threats of contests and loopholes.

Legitimacy of will.

I couldn't believe it.

We would never be a family.

Uhm.

No _reconciliation_ with these people.

May the Lord forgive us.

I left.

I looked over at _The Cone_.

Windhoek, Namibia.

The first person I could think of was Nia.

I could build that cabin for us.

Right there near _Avis._

Windhoek, Namibia.

She loved it there.

Lots of _snakes_ though.

But it reminded her of her family's farm.

I wanted her family to be a part of us.

Uhm.

That's when I started building it.

Just me and a few of the _Stampriet_ labourers.

They liked Nia too.

She always made them feel welcome.

But it was always like she was doing something.

Something wrong.

Guess it had to do with the hold she kept talking about.

She never really explained it to me.

It really was a secret.

Umf.

Classified.

_X-files._

_Top Secret._

Uhm.

_End of Inheritance_

_Whisperers_

_Sarah Baartman, at rest at last_

_By Lucille Davie_

_Sarah Baartman, displayed as a freak because of her unusual physical features, was finally laid to rest 187 years after she left Cape Town for London. Her remains were buried on Women's Day, 9 August 2002, in the area of her birth, the Gamtoos River Valley in the Eastern Cape._

_  
__Read more:_

_http://www.southafrica.info/about/history/saartjie.htm#.UXu7Ncp1CZQ#ixzz2RfCxW1Rf_

End of Inheritance

Whisperers

_For Shakira_

_Peace be with you._

_Salaam_

_Khaleel_

_The Castle_

_"Where... is... it!"_

__

_i_

__

_June 2010._ __

Nia stares back in wonder.

"Wow! Sherwin! That was some wicked driving."

She tosses the helmet and jacket on the grass.

Seems to try and catch her breath.

"I didn't think we'd make it."

She straightens herself then looks at me.

"For a second there I thought that thing had us."

She smiles.

Beautiful white teeth.

"Where did you learn to drive like that?"

I smile.

Then look down.

Nia always did that to me.

Even when I knew we could never be.

I would still believe that she wanted me too.

Or was I simply blinded by love.

Was she perhaps simply toying with me.

Can she really be that oblivious to what she does to me.

I stare at those _doe eyes_.

Pupils very large.

She was still buzzing from the rush.

That sure was one tight spot.

But it was the only way.

If we went around the mountain, we would never have made it.

Thank God for _The Dark Tunnel_.

_All praise be to God._

We would surely be dead or worse.

If we had to take the mountain pass.

Sure it was a tight spot.

But it was for the best.

_The Dark Tunnel_ disappeared behind some bushes.

Almost like there was never a tunnel.

The bushes not like it were covering the entrance.

It completely transformed.

The trees.

The grass.

We have reached it.

_Nia's Castle._

Everything here seemed normal.

There was _hope_ for us yet.

Nia looks up and stares in amazement.

A guineafowl came _chi-chi-ingly_ closer.

It was fast.

The _chi-chis_ in tune with every fast step it takes.

It seems to be annoyed as to have to step on the thick grass.

It sounded like it was giving orders to everything as it went.

Nia smiles.

She seems to be enjoying every minute of it.

When it finally reaches us, it does a bow and rises.

It seems frantic.

It keeps _chi-chi-ing_.

Then starts.

_"My chi-chi Fair Lady chi-chi!_ "

It remains in a bow for a few more seconds.

*Chi-chi chi-chi*

Then it rises up and starts again.

_"Tea will be ready at the top of the hill when chi-chi My Fair Lady is happy to have it chi-cuckoo-chi!"_

It seems to start to pace.

_"I must insist, My Fair chi-chi Lady, that you retire for the moment_."

It seems very sincere.

*Chi-chi chi-chi*

_"You must get your rest. Chi-chi-cuckoo-chi!"_

"Listen to this one."

Umf.

Nia could never be ordered about.

Ha-ha-ha.

What was the bird thinking.

Nia would surely put him in an _Oz_ styled _birdcage_.

_"I do chi-chi apologize for my deep concern for your wellbeing. I remain your willing slave."_

*Chi-chi*

It starts to pace again.

Seems to stare over at the main gate and starts pacing towards it bewildered.

It _chi-chis_ frantically.

Many feathers shed from its body.

It then walks fast back towards us.

He bows.

Starts.

_"May I go over the menu with you, My chi – Fair – chi – Lady!"_

How it manages to _chi-chi_ and speak as if it was the easiest thing to do, amazed me.

The voice was a crisp, mature voice.

Clear.

It sounded almost _British_.

For some reason he reminded me of _Anthony Hopkins_.

That movie he was in with _Emma Thompson_ where he portrayed a butler.

Nia and I both loved that movie.

If she only knew how close to the truth it all was.

Why does it all always end up as _riddles_.

Why can't it all be simple.

The truth is stranger than fiction.

That's why.

We convince ourselves of truths in our minds, that when it is not like that, it is a lie.

We can't accept it.

Then we start with reasons for why the person would want to lie.

Connecting imaginary dots that do not exist.

Only because we have made them to.

Forget the point completely.

Uhm.

Umf.

I never saw the ending of that movie.

The guineafowl looks at Nia a bit uncertainly then _chi-chis_ fast and starts.

_"My Fair Lady. Today the chef has prepared something to chi-chi cater for your individual taste chi-chi buds. He is delighted to share this celebration of individuality chi-chi to mark your return to your home. We chi- are all – chi-cuckoo-chi honoured by your presence."_

Nia looks at the guineafowl as it continues.

I was not sure whether she wanted to laugh.

No.

Uhm.

She was listening intently.

Smile wide.

This must be surreal to her.

She loved to watch them on her farm.

She always wondered what it was that they were digging around the ground for.

She imagined they too were digging for sparkly things.

To give to their mates.

Nia.

My sweetpea.

Real farm girl.

But she sure liked _fairy tales_.

She hunches.

The bird is slightly startled.

"Chi-chi chi-chi!"

*Chi-chi-cuckoo-chi*

_"For the main, My Fair Lady,"_ it steps a bit back and continues, _"will be_ Eisbein. Chi-chi. Croustillant grillé!"

Nia looks at the bird.

_Doe eyes_ as if they were picturing what it was saying.

It brought a broad smile to Nia's face.

She seems to taste it.

"Yummy!" She shouts.

The guineafowl runs a few feet away.

_Chi-chis_ back slowly.

It sure seemed paranoid.

"Sounds delicious, hey Sher. Mmmmmmmm."

Nia starts tippy-toeing towards the gate.

She must be excited to get to it.

The Castle.

I ran forward and kept up with Nia's excited pace.

"What's for supper?"

I look at Nia.

Curiously.

"Didn't you hear what he said?"

Nia looks at me astonished.

"You were right there?"

Doe eyes.

Accusing.

Umf.

My sweetpea.

_Fair Lady_.

Did she forget that I do not speak French?

"Si si, demoiselle," I joke.

Nia rolls her eyes.

Then looks at me intently.

_Doe eyes_.

Enchanting.

"Sorry, Sher. I forget."

She sort of sticks out her tongue quick.

*Prrrrt*

"We'll be having all my favourites. They didn't miss a thing."

Nia licks her lips.

Doe eyes.

Excited.

She starts.

"I loved the way that eisbein sounded. Crispy crispness is what I imagined. That bird sure knows how to spin its French."

Nia chuckles.

"Sauerkraut and carrots. He promises they'll be tender and soft."

Her _doe eyes_ closes.

She bites her lower lip.

"The kraut ripe. Not too sour, he swears. Umf. Slice of Granny Smith, sweet red onions and soft cranberries."

Nia seems to see it all in front of her.

The bird sure got her mouth watering.

Ha-ha-ha.

It was scurrying up the small hill.

As you entered the gate.

Seemed to be chi-chi-ing orders.

Nia went through the gates, not even noticing the guards.

They stared me up and down.

Looked like people.

But like they were vacant.

Zombies.

But stare at me they did.

I wonder what is up with them.

Sure look stern.

Serious faces.

Like they were annoyed.

With me.

I swore the one was giving me thé eye.

Must be jealous that I can walk with the Queen and they have to stand guard at the gate.

Ha-ha-ha.

Utopia was full of surprises.

Nia gasp-s in amazement.

"Oh, Sherwin!"

She steps closer and takes it all in.

"Vygies..."

She bends down and picks one.

Smells it, and then starts twirling it through her fingers.

"Scarlet pig faces."

She sighs.

She puts it next to the small yellow daisy behind her ear.

How the daisy managed to stay with her.

Through the forest and the tunnel.

I was confused.

It must be holding onto Nia somehow.

Must still be alive.

Things sure were different here.

Nia steps forward into the flowers.

Almost like she was scared to trample on them.

She goes slowly at first.

Then faster.

When she was almost in the middle, she looks back.

She gasps.

Shocked.

There were tortoises everywhere she stepped.

Some small.

Others big.

Depending on how much Nia stepped onto the vygies.

She picks up a small black one with red circles on its side.

Turns it upside down.

It only peeps slightly.

Then pulls back inside.

She gives it a kiss then puts it back down.

The tortoises slowly start walking towards the area where the guineafowl was seemingly waiting for Nia to arrive.

It was a long rock pathway that had several arches.

Right at the end you could see a big bright pool of water.

It looked like a fountain.

A mermaid in the centre.

Water flowing from her bamboo like cup.

Nia notices, but was soon startled by the cheering sound.

"Go go Nia go! Go go Nia go!"

Nia looks around amazed.

Not believing what was obvious.

It was the flowers.

They were cheering.

All in unison.

Different voices.

But all harmonious.

Nia turned in circles.

Smiling from ear to ear.

Those doe eyes.

Just as I remember them.

She always looked like that just before she made a shoot.

The crowd would then go even wilder.

I imagined she must be thinking that she was on the court.

But instead of the people, there were these vygies.

Nia lifted her arms up and started kicking her legs.

She seemed to not miss a beat.

Suddenly all the voices go quiet.

"Chi-chi chi-chi!"

The bird nervously looks at Nia.

Then steps forward quick.

ii

The guineafowl walks slowly over to meet Nia.

It chi-chis softly.

Still looking very paranoid.

Umf.

It was not that it was scared of Nia.

No.

It was more that it seemed afraid of disappointing her.

Offending her.

Even if only through a gesture of its wings.

Or a tone in its voice.

Its chi-chi sort of an apology in some way.

To make up for what it could not see.

The things it did that might upset its queen.

It was only a bird.

After all.

It sheds a feather.

Looks nervously down.

Then cautiously up at Nia.

It chi-chis.

Then steps onto the feather as if to hide it.

Ha-ha-ha.

Nia didn't miss a thing.

She pretended that she didn't notice.

I think she was starting to warm up to the guineafowl.

It was her willing slave after all.

It ran the castle.

Made sure everything was as its Fair Lady desires it.

Not the way it does.

It was firm.

It seemed.

Whenever it chi-chi-ed, there would be quick reaction.

Lines formed.

Swords went up into the air.

Nia watched in absolute silence.

Her breathes short.

She was still tippy-toeing.

But suddenly goes flat on her feet.

She seems to fix her hair and straighten her top.

She tugs at her unmatched socks.

Then starts walking ceremoniously down the rock pathway.

It was like there was a sudden humbleness to her.

A sense of humility.

Like she felt honoured and wanted to show respect.

She couldn't help but gush out at times.

Sometimes she laughed.

I was slightly behind her.

Kept an eye in the sky.

I wouldn't want any of those flying things from the forest to come and get us here by surprise.

But the skies were clear.

Bright.

Unusually bright.

I understood that it was not the sun.

Uhm.

At the beginning of the steps, Nia turned and faced me.

She was suddenly behaving strangely.

She hints for me to come closer.

I couldn't believe it.

It was like she was suddenly nervous.

She tugs me hard by the arm.

I nudge closer.

"You could have warned me we would have company."

She rolls her eyes.

Those doe eyes.

Slight frustration.

I didn't understand.

It must be the mood swings.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

Really not understanding why she would be upset.

"I would have worn my shoes."

She looks back.

Unconsciously waves.

Then looks back up to the steps.

"Or perhaps no shoes are better."

She breathes in deep.

Then looks at me.

"Who's idea was it to have a thousand steps here?"

Doe eyes.

Frustrated.

"You know I hate to do stairs."

She seems to remember that we were being watched.

Smiles shyly.

Tugs at her khakis.

Umf.

Ha-ha-ha.

My sweetpea.

No matter how much Nia might try.

She always looked perfect.

Uhm.

Suddenly the vygies were cheering.

You could hear their voices echo all around the castle corners and turns.

Nia was less nervous.

Turns around and smiles.

It was the strangest thing.

I looked at her.

Those doe eyes.

Filled with wonder.

I looked at what she was staring at.

The vygies.

Mostly these pink ones.

Scarlet pig faces.

That's what Nia called them.

They were her favourite.

She did love the colour pink.

But around the centre were different coloured ones.

They were the closest to the pool of water.

There where the mermaid fountain was.

It was much bigger up close.

The detail of the mermaid incredible.

Like it was real.

Like it was turned to stone.

Trapped.

In stone.

These vygies near the water.

They had their roots out of the soil.

They seemed to be the cheerleaders.

Nia did love to watch cheerleaders compete.

If only on tv.

Who would think it would be like a sport.

Entertainment.

More distraction.

Umf.

Ha-ha-ha.

I could come up with reasons for why it was popular.

Uhm.

Those Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders was Nia's favourite team.

Sarah Shahi and another; those she enjoyed to watch.

I forget the other one's name.

Think it was Kristin.

Holt back then.

She enjoyed watching movies in which they were featured too.

These included The Love boat and Salute to Lady Liberty.

She always said that if she wasn't a netball player, she would be a cheerleader.

Move to America if she had to.

Ha-ha-ha.

She was very serious about that.

But then.

Yes.

The Grave's disease.

It had to stick out its ugly head.

Nia smiles as she listened to them.

I was more concerned with getting us inside.

No fire was visible from here.

No signs of the heat either.

But I felt the fire burn inside my chest.

It was as if it was just a steady blaze.

Waiting for the moment when it would all burn out of control.

The doof doof was silent.

I was glad for that.

For once I could think clearly again.

With us at the castle.

The odds were in our favour.

They did not come near The Bright.

I looked back at Nia.

She was still smiling.

Beautiful white teeth.

Those full lips.

Uhm.

She turns her head and stares at me.

"They're all so beautiful, Sherwin."

She says that softly.

Doe eyes almost closed.

She steps closer to the edge of the rock pathway and hunches to her knees.

The guineafowl chi-chis frantically and loses more of its feathers.

I hunch next to Nia.

"They're so beautiful, I could worship them."

I looked at Nia.

What a strange thing to say.

They're just flowers after all.

I looked down at the ones she was caressing.

Shiny petals.

Almost like velvet.

Seemed perfectly smooth.

It was a beautiful thing.

Perhaps that's what Nia was referring to.

But why worship that and not the one that created it.

Nia stares at me then sighs.

Then she stands up and faces the gathering.

I was confused.

I stood up too.

The guineafowl comes chi-chi-ingly closer.

"My Fair Lady chi-chi."

It bows.

Lower than usual.

It stays there.

Slightly flaps its wings.

*Chi-chi*

Then nervously rises.

It starts.

"Is everything to My Lady's satisfa-chi-chi-ion?"

It looks to almost try to avert her gaze.

Ha-ha-ha.

It sure looked funny.

The bird sure was nervous.

I look at Nia.

She was smiling wide.

She goes to her one knee.

Slowly.

The bird chi-chis softly but does not move.

It rather bends its neck slightly.

As Nia touches it lightly on its head.

It closes its eyes and presses its head up against Nia's caress.

*Chi-chi*

Softly.

It then opens its eyes.

Flaps its wings.

Frantically chi-chis away.

*Chi-chi*

Just feathers as it went scurrying through the vygies.

All the way to the grass.

It seems to chi-chi even louder when it seems satisfied.

That it was far away enough.

It looks slyly back.

Then to the front quick.

It flaps its wings.

Its whole body seems to shiver.

All the feathers stood up.

It shook the loose ones off.

Turns its head.

Looks at us cautiously.

Then turns around and starts walking casually back towards us.

Chi-chi-ing orders as it went.

It decides to head to the rock pathway.

Rather than walk over the grass.

It approached us as if nothing had just happened.

As if it was the first time to see Nia.

It bows.

Then just stares at her.

Umf.

"Hahahahaha!"

Nia and I burst out together.

The bird.

I swore it sort of blushed.

The blue of the head almost more purple.

The red.

Suddenly bright red.

I think I understood.

It was embarrassed.

Ashamed.

Yes.

But not because of the performance it just gave.

No.

Because of enjoying it too much.

Yes.

Nia's touch.

I think it felt ashamed that it was doing something for itself.

And not for its queen.

It was acting from the self.

And he understood that when in service.

The self must seize to exist.

Only the queen's will must be.

It was quite profound.

Here everything really only did Nia's bidding.

She stares at me.

Stops laughing.

Wipes the tears from her face.

Doe eyes.

Exploring my face.

I did not try to look away.

Nia smiles broadly.

"What?"

"Nothing."

She gushes slightly and, as if involuntary, walks closer to me.

She sighs.

Her hand reaches for my face.

It was trembling.

She puts it to my right cheek.

Gently caressing her fingers across the deep scratches.

I put my hand on top of hers.

She smiles.

But she hides her beautiful teeth.

"Are you okay?"

I ask.

I caressed her hand softly.

"Yes, Sher."

Beautiful white teeth.

"I'm perfect."

She looks up at the steps.

There were literally a thousand.

We counted them once.

Yes.

I remember.

I found that strange.

I don't know how to explain.

It was like we just arrived.

But also like we have been here before.

We.

"Let's get this step climbing over with."

Nia interrupts my thoughts.

She stares at me.

Then back at the steps.

"I think you'll have to piggy-back me most of the way."

She laughs.

"Anything for you, sweetpea."

The vygies start cheering excitedly.

"Go go Nia go! Go go Nia go!"

iii

WORLD CUP: United For Africa - Making it Last

• by Nastasya Tay (johannesburg)

• Tuesday, June 22, 2010

• Inter Press Service

Perhaps Africa's World Cup began in earnest on Jun. 16, when a despondent green and gold-clad crowd began leaving the Loftus Versfeld stadium even before the end of South Africa's heavy defeat to Uruguay. Migrant African fans felt the first touch of cold post-tournament reality.

Colombia's election rival: the World Cup

BOGOTA, Colombia — Will the beautiful game give a bicycle kick to Colombia's democracy?

http://www.globalpost.com/notebook/colombia/100610/colombia%E2%80%99s-election-rival-the-world-cup

************************************************************

You're a good soldier  
Choosing your battles

Pick yourself up  
And dust yourself off

And back in the saddle

From Waka Waka by Shakira

*************************************************************

Tuesday, 29 June 2010

16:45

At home.

The smell of something burning woke me up.

It was coming from the kitchen.

Mommy had fallen asleep on the couch with The Sun on her lap.

The stove was still on.

It was the rice.

I quickly took it off and went to dump the rice in the bin outside.

Mom was still sleeping when I returned to the kitchen.

I washed the pot.

Filled it with water and put it back on the stove.

I put the plate to high and went into the lounge.

Took the newspaper from Mommy's lap.

Scanned it over quick then back at Mommy.

She must be tired from the previous night.

Or should I say the early hours of this morning.

Mom was really grey at the roots.

Why she still wanted to dye it brown, I didn't know.

Some people just don't want to grow old.

Thank God mom had finally stopped dating.

I don't know what happened to Jerry, but I never saw him after that day that Mommy got hurt.

The day that Anubis was killed.

I looked at Mommy's hanging face.

It really wasn't something nice to behold.

Sad sort of.

I put the newspaper down and went to throw rice in the pot.

It was now nearly 17:00.

Darn.

I forgot.

Thurston was coming around.

We were going to one of the fan parks to watch the World Cup match.

Spain vs Portugal.

Thurston was a big Spain supporter.

But I guess he'd be torn in two tonight.

Ronaldo was one of his favourite players.

I put the stove low and quickly disappeared into the bathroom.

I looked at my reflection in the mirror as I washed my face.

I had cut myself shaving.

I remembered the dream.

Yes.

I was in some building.

Almost like.

A castle.

Yes.

Nia.

I felt suddenly sad.

The dream came back to me in flashes.

Did she really say all those cruel things to me?

My headache started to pound again.
My chest on fire.

Oh, Lord.

What must I do to make it stop?

Please.

Make it stop.

iii

I went to the back yard.

The flowers of the plants were all closed.

The sun was starting to go down.

Perhaps we'd get a glimpse of the moon tonight.

Strange.

I suddenly remembered something.

The dream I had.

That was Saturday.

26th June.

That was the night I dreamt of the wolf.

I was in that dark place.

Nia was there too.

Yes.

More and more flashes came to my mind.

Can it be?

Nia's call?

The lunar eclipse.

Was it all just coincidence?

She would never have called me if it wasn't important.

I mean.

She is the one that said she never wanted to see me again.

So.

It bothered me.

It was starting to happen more and more.

The nightmares.

Always the same.

Him.

Of course.

The Castle.

What did it all mean?

What about the black wolf I dreamt about that Saturday?

He looked strangely familiar, but it was only a dream.

After all.

I decided to simply forget about it.

I should do as Mommy said.

Simply forget about Nia.

It was the only way that I would be able to move on.

I went to the bathroom again.

Looked at my reflection in the mirror.

Handsome devil.

Oh yeah.

You're on fi-ya.

Uhm.

iv

"I hope you don't mind that I asked Simoné along?"

I can't believe the words that were coming from Thurston's mouth.

I immediately put my hand to the door handle.

I told you.

Uhm.

You're on fi-ya.

"Melissa is joining us. Didn't want you to feel like the third wheel."

Thurston.

He always had my back.

But Simoné.

"I'm not so sure, man. I suddenly don't feel too good."

Thurston laughed out loud.

"I'm not kidding. Rather take me home."

I panicked.

What if she finds out?

Uhm.

Uhm uhm uhm.

You're on fi-ya.

"Sherwin, Relax."

Thurston didn't slow down.

"You know you like her. You know she likes you. Any guy would kill to be with her. She wants you. You have it all on a platter. Don't be a fool."

"What do you mean she likes me?"

I asked.

He looked at me.

Idiot written all over his face.

"What?" I asked.

"Nothing. That's just you. Blind to what is right in front of your eyes."

Thurston and his big brother speeches.

"Do you remember that time you told me about the first time you were apparently forced to play spin the bottle with her and her friends."

He puts his hands into the air.

As if to say that he didn't believe the fact that I didn't want to play.

Still with that old story.

He believed that.

That I was uncomfortable playing.

But he was insinuating that I wanted to.

Because of Simoné.

Because I secretly wanted to kiss her.

That was true.

I did.

I remember that day well.

It was during that December holiday of 1990.

That was the best holiday of my life.

The saddest too.

Uhm.

We played spin-the-bottle of course.

It was my turn to spin.

Uhm.

Umf.

The bottle stopped.

It was pointed right at Simoné.

I swear.

I didn't force it to do that.

It just stopped.

And pointed straight at Simoné.

I could feel my cheeks go warm.

Natasha Jantjies started singing.

Sherwynne and Simoné.

Sitting in a tree.

K-I-S-S-I-N-G.

I looked awkwardly up.

Simoné was smiling broadly.

She then closes her mouth and bites her lower lip.

Her eyes suddenly different.

I wasn't going to chicken out.

Not now.

I was nervous though.

I walked over to Simoné.

Went on one knee.

I remember well what Daddy taught me.

A lady must be treated as a lady.

You may never take advantage.

You must let her make the move.

I took Simoné's hand in mine and kissed it softly.

She made a slight gushing noise.

She giggled.

Then she just sighed.

As if her eyes were suddenly longing.

Longing for more.

I blushed and went back to my spot.

Simoné looked strange.

Not disappointed.

Like she was not really here anymore.

With us.

Uhm.

"What about it?"

I asked.

Not sure where this was heading.

"I am going to tell you something I have never told you."

Thurston was sure being serious.

"Whenever you tell that story, you're eyes change. It goes yellow."

I looked at Thurston.

Was he drinking?

Maybe he shouldn't be driving.

Too much lemonade.

Same as Simoné.

"It's true. It goes yellow all around your irises."

He didn't seem to be debating with me.

He was saying it matter of fact.

The Spanish flag flew proud on Thurston's right cheek.

Portugal on the left.

I was sure he was torn in two.

Ha-ha-ha.

But let go of Spain he simply couldn't.

The name on his forehead said it all.

Piquenbauer.

Uhm.

I was sure Thurston and I were both torn in two.

Yes.

Oh, Lord.

What must I do.

v

Nia starts up the steps.

Me right beside her.

The guineafowl chi-chi's and the whole gathering seem to salute.

Nia gushes and tippy-toes further up the steps.

"Wow, Sherwin!"

Nia holds onto the side of the wall and looks at the mermaid that dives quickly into the water.

It swims fast, staying close to the surface till it completely disappears into the dark depths.

"Was that real," Nia asks astonished.

"It looked almost like the..."

Nia points.

"Yes. Like that!"

She points at the mermaid fountain.

I couldn't be sure what I was seeing.

One minute the mermaid seemed to move.

Be actual flesh and blood.

Then suddenly stone.

Again as if she was trapped in stone.

Nia tippy toes along.

"It doesn't feel like I am climbing stairs at all. It's strange," Nia says, as she takes another step.

"You are actually only walking straight."

I say as we are now able to get an aerial view of the gathering.

There sure were strange creatures here.

I couldn't be sure which were human and which were not.

Again.

Most of them had only vacant expressions.

Only seems to be staring me down.

Nia gushes as she sees the flowers.

She sure loved those scarlet pig faces.

"What do you mean, Sher?"

She asks and takes a coin, from a frog sitting on the sidewall, and throws it into the jukebox.

"My Fair Lady."

The frog says in a very high thin voice.

It certainly didn't fit the bulky body.

Nia didn't seem to notice.

She selects a song.

"Hotel California."

She sings along.

We were right at Nia's Lane.

She'd come here and listen to her music.

She said music is her life.

All part of the parlour queen thing.

She imagined she'd be up on Broadway someday.

Maybe in Vegas like Celine.

That's why she up and left with The Catch and his cousin Honeybuns to America.

Their gig didn't work out though.

Thank goodness Nia had the sense to come back home.

Those two remained.

I'm never sure what happened to them.

America is the land of opportunity.

So who knows.

Nia's Lane was located near the entrance to The Castle.

Nia stares out in wonder at all the jukeboxes seeming to just float in the air.

We had one in the tiny cabin.

Nia liked antique things.

She got that one at a very steep price on e-bay.

Uhm.

Umf.

My Nia sure loved her music.

I look at her as she tippy-toes further up the steps.

"The steps are actually lifting you up. Almost like an escalator. Only it is in tune with your steps."

I didn't exactly know how it worked.

But it did.

It also took you to places.

Closer.

Allowed you to see them from above and up close.

You could however not go there.

Only observe.

Climbing the stairs, it remained though.

Each one higher up.

Ever closer to Nia's Castle.

She had been here before, I remember.

But I was not sure whether she remembers.

I can't remember what exactly happened here, but I had a bad feeling about it.

Perhaps it was only because I was not sure where he could pop up next.

And.

The Dark could be anywhere at any time.

I looked around as we were nearing the entrance.

Nia tippy-toes and smiles broadly at me.

She sure looks happy.

Not once had she taken her pills.

I found that strange.

What was happening?

"Come, Sher." Nia grabs my hand as we take the last step.

We run straight to the front door.

He was waiting for us.

Uhm.

vi

"My Lady," he says.

Then looks at me.

His face hard.

He glares.

Uhm.

Not the soft, happy face he shared with Nia only seconds ago.

He seems to tug at his sword.

Then he looks back at Nia.

"I must insist, My Lady, that he be removed."

He starts pacing around.

"I can't protect you while he is about."

I couldn't believe what I was hearing.

Who did he think he was?

Old Lancelot.

I should have known he'd show his face.

I wanted to start talking when.

"And that bird should refrain from entering the kitchen. If you'd follow me, I'd show you what he got up to. My Lady."

He bows.

Then immediately starts walking in the direction of the kitchen.

I presumed.

Nia simply tippy-toes along.

She smiles at me.

As if she was enjoying being around him.

Umf.

I follow them.

Didn't like what I was seeing one bit.

Was he real?

Must be if he was here.

Was Nia doing this?

Something was not right.

No.

Something was definitely not right.

We enter the kitchen.

He paces up and down.

As if to say do you see anything.

I look around.

Feathers were all over the place.

One guess who those belonged to.

Before any of us could say anything.

"Chi-chi-chi-chi!"

*Chi-chi-chi-chi*

He runs hysterically into the kitchen.

Shedding feathers as it slips on the floor.

It seems annoyed to be here, but also like it has no choice.

He walks over to the chef.

"Chi-chi chi-chi-chi!"

*Chi-chi chi-chi-chi!*

It sheds more feathers and walks out of the kitchen.

It was as if it didn't even notice us standing here.

I walk over to the chef.

Shortly behind Nia and Lancelot.

I understood.

It came to make sure that the chef didn't ruin the queen's supper.

Umf.

I started laughing immediately when I saw it.

The eisbein being roasted.

The chef kept turning at every shout it gave.

The chef looked human enough.

Again though.

Only the vacant expression.

I wondered if Nia saw them the same.

Probably not.

Utopia appeared different to her.

That much I had been able to figure out.

"I want to be crispy-crispy!"

The eisbein shouted.

Its voice was hard to make out as it was turned more and more.

"If my queen as much as hints with those beautiful eyes of hers that she is not absolutely satisfied with me, I'll come and roast you myself!"

It shouts.

"Crispy and tender!"

Nia looks at the eisbein in wonder.

Doe eyes.

Taken.

Taken by this thing meant for her to eat.

I wondered if she would have the heart to.

Would it then not see that as disappointment?

Supper was going to be full of surprises.

Of that much I was sure.

Umf.

Lancelot shakes his head and walks out of the kitchen.

Nia sighs then tippy-toes behind him.

"Crispy-crispy-crispy!"

The eisbein.

It reminded me of those socks.

Real drama queen.

vii

"I think I'll have that tea now," Nia says as she tippy-toes further down the hallway.

Lancelot right in front of her.

He opens the door.

Nia skips out onto the grass.

She heads towards the hill.

Near the pomegranate trees.

Before I get to the door, he closes it.

"I don't think you need to be following the Lady everywhere she goes."

He blocked the doorway.

Stood with his hand rested on his sword handle.

It looked to be pure silver and gold.

"There's castle business that needs attending to."

I couldn't believe this dude.

Here in his dress telling me what I should do.

Umf.

It was a kilt.

Orange-brown.

Nia always debated that it was the Irish that invented the kilt and not the Scottish.

Uhm.

Only reason it mattered was that her ancestors were Irish.

So she was entirely being biased.

Why debate about a dress for men I found ridiculous.

No dresses for men period.

But here Lancelot was.

Proudly wearing his worsted wool dress.

Must be itchy.

Guess that's why he is so uptight.

"I'll join Nia whenever I want to."

I said Nia deliberately.

He looked at me as if to say how dare you call the queen by her name.

Before he could speak.

"If Nia wishes to be alone, then she will tell me."

I knock hard against his metal top and he moves out of the way.

Thing hurt my elbow, but I didn't show any pain.

Dude must be real strong.

Wearing all that metal.

Did he really not know the enemy like I did?

All this armour would only hold him back.

I walk over to Nia.

She was taking in The Bright.

Those doe eyes.

Simply beautiful.

viii

He follows me.

I couldn't believe him.

Nia only smiles away.

I will never understand women.

She takes another blackberry and puts it in her mouth.

She seems different.

She never did that with me.

Flirt.

I got immediately angry.

Why was he here?

Can't he attend to the castle business?

Guess that all only involved Nia.

I sit down next to her.

She stops her nonsense as soon as I look at her.

He walks more towards the water below.

Better get a move on.

Umf.

Real nerve he has.

Nia looks at me.

Jealous written all over her face.

"Don't mind him, Sher. He is just a jock."

She smiles at him seductively.

I couldn't believe it.

"Is that why you are with Giel?"

I simply ask.

"Because he plays rugby and has lots of muscles?"

Nia looks at me shocked.

She didn't expect that.

She averts my gaze and seems to just stare off into the sky.

Sure was bright here.

"It has got nothing to do with you why I am with Giel."

She said that like it was the end of the conversation.

She puts another blackberry in her mouth.

"Why did you make me wait then?"

I ask.

I was now really upset.

That fool should never have come around.

He was staring at us.

Wish some lightning would strike him right where he stood.

Or perhaps not.

Just now it really does.

Nia wouldn't like that one bit.

Lucky.

"You knew you were going to say no that day already."

I look over to Lancelot then back at Nia.

"I saw it in your eyes."

She knew what I was talking about.

"No was clearly there. You could simply have said it out loud too."

She looks away.

"But no. You make me wait for days. And only for that. Crap. That scratchy recording."

I was letting it all out.

"A tweet, Nia. For the entire world to see and hear. How could you?"

That NOT tweet.

I took a deep breath in and tried to calm down.

Nia looks at her glass of apple juice and takes a sip.

The guineafowl right behind us too.

I didn't feel comfortable with all of them around us suddenly.

Something wasn't right.

I could feel it.

I could feel the fire in my chest slowly start again.

A soft pain in the back of my head.

Soon it would all be the same again.

Uhm.

It didn't matter why Nia made me wait.

I guess it was simply difficult for her.

And she didn't have to answer me.

I was only upset.

Upset that I was not the one she chose.

That is what hurt.

But that was in the past too.

"I don't hate you, Nia."

I look over at her apologetically.

"I am sorry I got angry with you."

"I was jealous. I'm sorry."

Nia looks up at me.

She still doesn't smile.

"Can't you see, Nia?"

I gesture with my hands about us.

Gesturing to The Bright.

"It all shines only for you."

Nia understood.

She smiles.

Beautiful white teeth.

Those doe eyes.

Sad.

Happy.

Like all of this was bittersweet.

She sighs and then looks at me.

Exploring my face.

She seems to have completely forgotten about Lancelot.

She bites her lower lip and then looks down.

She sighs.

I wondered what was wrong.

Perhaps Nia needs her pills.

ix

Nia went to get dressed for supper.

Lancelot right beside her bedroom door.

I didn't bother to say anything.

I went down to wait for Nia in the banquet hall.

A small orchestra was in the corner.

The guineafowl was chi-chi-ing orders at them.

The violinists seem the most annoyed with him.

The cellists only seem to ignore him and continues tuning.

Guess we were in for a treat.

Perhaps Nia would do us the honours herself.

She was a parlour queen.

After all.

The College of the Arts was a place for everybody.

I am still not sure what Nia got up to there.

Guess it involved drama.

Uhm.

I fall against the wall.

It happened suddenly.

The sharp pain in my head.

It was unlike the doof doof.

I took a deep breath.

I was not sure what was going on.

I was suddenly outside on the ledge.

It was dark.

Only the blue haze of the marble in the distance.

I saw them.

Nia and.

The roach.

Mr Giel Basson.

He was taking her towards the forest.

What was he thinking?

Why doesn't Nia ever listen?

I shake my head.

I focus on the guineafowl.

He was staring at me strangely.

He shakes his body and lots of feathers fly through the air.

He then marches in the direction of the kitchen.

What just happened?

My chest started burning more.

The sharp pain was thankfully subsiding.

But I felt that something was wrong.

Nia.

I wanted to run up the stairs.

But as I was about to.

I saw her at the top.

Ready to come down.

She looked breath-taking.

Her dress tight against her body.

Black.

With a long slit.

Revealing those legs.

Those beauties.

She had a rose in her mouth.

The violinist starts playing.

Nia sways her hips seductively as she starts her way down the stairs.

Guess we were indeed in for some parlour queen tricks.

My Nia.

Fair Lady.

My Fair Lady.

x

Can't believe it.

She starts dancing with Lancelot.

He is very touchy indeed.

Nia just lets him.

Umf.

She seems to be in heaven.

I take a seat at the small table.

Only place for two.

He will have to watch us eat if he insists on sticking around.

Ha ah.

Umf.

I could never get that move right.

Lancelot was an expert.

He lifted her effortlessly.

I decided to focus on something else.

Let Nia enjoy herself.

We were still not safe.

I was not sure how I was going to get Nia to co-operate.

It has never worked in the past.

But something felt different this time.

I can't explain it.

It is like.

I don't know.

I must be imagining it.

That scene on the ledge was still in the back of my mind.

Nia had the yellow daisy and pink vygie tucked behind her ear.

She was still with them before she entered her bedroom.

A few minutes ago.

Before I was stopped by the fool.

Look at him.

Twirling her like that.

They must finish this song and get it over with.

Look at that.

Umf.

Uhm.

"Uhm."

Nia.

Fair Lady.

Indeed.

She looked ravishing.

I focus.

I remember now.

I was starting to fall.

Again.

This has happened before.

I had a bad feeling.

Almost like this was final.

The last chance.

I could feel it in my chest and head.

If we don't succeed, we might both end up here.

Forever.

Burning forever.

xi

Nia threw herself on the chair.

Not to lady like.

She gulps some red wine down and asks for more.

The wine bottle seems to lift by itself and starts emptying the wine into Nia's glass.

"More! More! Fill the cup. Fill it up! More!"

I have never seen Nia like this.

She wasn't even one to drink wine.

She preferred whisky.

And above all else.

Her homebrew iced tea.

She gulps the newly filled glass down and asks for more.

"Fill it up! Fill it up!"

I could see the thing holding the bottle now.

Just barely though.

It was strange.

"Can you see him, Nia?"

I ask.

"What? The one eyed lion head man? That looks like an African sculpture?"

One eyed lion head man? Africa-n sculpture?

I was sort of thinking more in the lines of an Indian.

American-Indian.

Perhaps an Inca.

Or a Mayan maybe.

It looked strange.

The thing holding the bottle.

I saw it now.

It looked like that guy from Apocalypto.

The one with the thing around his neck.

Right on top of the pyramid.

It sort of gave me goose bumps.

Nia just gulps down more wine and just asks for more.

This was not normal behaviour for Nia.

She was not a heavy drinker.

And she preferred not to have wine with her food.

No something was wrong.

I wanted to say something when.

"Drama queen. It's just some wine. Chill-lax."

Nia slowly drinks the last that was in her glass.

She then burps.

"Mmmmmmmmm. I'm famished!"

Her eyes mmmmmmm in agreement.

Perhaps Nia was tipsy.

I couldn't say.

The guineafowl comes closer.

"May we serve dinner chi-chi Fair Lady chi-chi?"

It seems almost scared to stand too close to Nia.

Neck very rigid.

*Chi-chi*

"Yes!" Nia shouts.

The bird stammers all the way back to the wall.

It seems to have just gotten the fright of its life.

Why was Nia behaving this way?

The bird runs to the kitchen.

Feathers everywhere.

*Chi chi chi chi chi-chi-chi chi-chi chi-chi*

xii

"Please.

I'm pleading with you."

Oh, Lord.

It hurts.

Hurts.

"Hooooooooo... awe... it hurts.

Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwe.

Awe-wa.

Hooooooooooooooooo..."

I could no longer see through the tears.

"Please. Nia.

Sweetpea

I be.."

Uhhhhhhhhhh.

*Uhhhhhhhhhhhh*

I didn't even feel a thing.

Only the sudden sting.

Then the jerk.

I taste the blood in my mouth.

Soon it starts dripping down my chin.

I look up.

It was still beating.

As she held it in her hands.

Those eyes.

Doe eyes no more.

No.

These were not my sweetpea's beautiful eyes.

These eyes were dark.

Cold.

She seems to want to lick it.

It grossed me out.

She gives me a sinister smile.

This cannot be Nia.

Nia would never.

No.

This is not Marnia.

I told you.

You are mine.

xiii

"Chi-chi chi."

The guineafowl comes cautiously closer.

*Chi-chi chi*

I was worried too.

The way Nia was eating.

It must be the Grave's disease.

But still.

Iyo.

The way she took the eisbein in her two hands and just.

Uhm.

Nia was acting very strangely.

"Is everything to your chi-chi liking, My Lady?"

The bird asks scared.

Moves backwards while still in a bowing posture.

"Can't... you...see... I'm... eating!"

*eeeeeeeatingggggg!*

"Chi-chi-chi-chi-chi-chi!"

The bird runs frantically out of the banquet hall.

Feathers everywhere.

He slips a few times, but is soon chi-chi-ing away.

*Chi-chi-chi-chi-chi-chi*

Lancelot gave him a look and then stares at us again.

Thankfully he wasn't standing right here next to us.

He was more towards the stairs.

Nia literally licked her plate clean.

She must really have enjoyed that.

Or she was really hungry.

Perhaps it was time for Nia to take her pills.

"Nia..."

"Now. Sher."

She seems to attempt again.

"What is it that you wanted to show me?"

She sounds less invasive.

"Have to show me?"

*Havvvvvvvvvvvvve*

I let it be.

It must be the wine.

"Come. I'll show you."

xiv

We went to the tower.

It had stairs that led to the top.

Thirteen to be exact.

What I had to show Nia, was at the bottom though.

Right in the centre of the tower floor.

The marble; black and white.

There, right between the two pillars, it stood.

Hanging above it.

The emblem crest of Nia's family.

I wouldn't say Nia's family emblem crest exactly.

More the.

I couldn't really say.

Nia tried to explain it to me.

While we were under the pomegranate trees.

After I apologized for getting angry.

I was about to give her her pills.

When she said.

"Don't you understand, Sherwin."

She looked at me strangely.

"That's the hold they have on me."

I wasn't sure who Nia was referring to.

It wasn't that she was talking about her family as such.

More like it was something else.

I didn't ask further.

It seemed that it was supposed to be a secret.

Uhm.

The blue light shone all against the wall.

It was something to behold.

The blue marble was right above us.

It looked like the things in the bubbles were looking down at us.

Almost like they were smiling.

Nia didn't notice a thing.

No.

Nia walked straight to it.

"How do I open it?"

*Open*

What was wrong with Nia?

Why was she so.

Stressed.

Yes.

Like she was annoyed.

Umf.

The mood swings.

"Tell... me... how... to... open... it."

Nia's voice was strange.

Deep almost.

She sways her hips seductively.

Slowly.

Enchantingly.

Almost like she was a snake.

I couldn't help staring though.

Nia was beautiful.

She came closer to me.

Stood right in front of me.

Those doe eyes.

Captivating.

Inviting,

She leans into me and whispers into my ear.

I got goose bumps immediately.

Nia's breath sent shivers down my spine.

I love her whisper.

She can whisper anything into my ear.

"Where... is... it!"

Nia almost screams me deaf.

xv

"Quit your whining."

Nia was standing next to it.

"Worse... than... a girl."

Eyes dark.

Almost black.

Like there was no white.

"Awe."

She mocks me.

"Awe! Awe! Awe!"

She comes to stand right in front of me.

She sure moved fast.

Gracefully.

Forcefully.

"What was that...thirteen... times now?"

She takes me by the chin.

"Grow some balls!"

*Balls*

She stares me dead in my eyes.

I couldn't believe Nia was saying these things to me.

She stood back.

Sways her hips and turns.

"The key!"

Her face goes absolutely cold.

Those eyes not my doe eyes.

No.

These eyes were dark.

No white at all.

"Where... is... it!"

It shook the walls.

I see it.

The crack.

The blue sphere cracks.

*Crack*

I fell to my knees.

The walls start cracking too.

Nia seems to be hovering in the air.

She screams.

It was deafening.

I look at her.

Tears welled up in my eyes.

The doof doof was unbearable.

She hovered till in front of me.

Picks me up by the hair and then stares at me.

Her head goes side to side.

Those eyes.

They were horrifying.

I realised this was not Nia.

No.

It was him.

He slipped in somehow.

It had something to do with that vision I had.

I understood.

He was keeping her away from it.

He didn't want her to have it.

So he was leading her away.

Yes.

The sly pig.

I look at him.

I realise what to do.

As the tower starts shaking more and more.

I look at him.

At Nia.

No.

This thing I will never call Nia.

He was the cause of everything.

"I hate you."

I say slow and deliberate.

*Click*

It works.

xvi

I stare at the cut.

The glass sure went in deep.

I had smashed the blue marble against the wall.

When I finally "woke" up.

Yeah.

Can't explain it.

Mommy says I was going about in the room.

She said she didn't know what to do.

She thought of calling Pastor from church.

But then thought that would only rouse suspicion.

Church folk sure could gossip.

Mommy was quite aware of them.

When I "woke" up.

Mommy was standing in front of me.

Her face was red.

Eyes bewildered.

Like she was afraid.

But not at me.

Afraid like helpless.

Like she didn't know what to do.

To help me.

She was afraid that she might lose me, I guess.

I almost cut her.

Thank the Lord she managed to force my hand down.

That night I would never forget.

Early hours of the morning.

That was Sunday.

27th June.

Right after the lunar eclipse.

I remember that Nia called that Saturday.

Told me about a strange dream.

Why did she call me?

Just when I was starting to forget about her.

There she was again.

In my head.

No wonder I had nightmares later.

I look over at Thurston.

No way was he turning around.

We were going to watch that match.

Oh, Lord.

What about Simoné?

I can't let her find out.

I can't let her hate me too.

Please.

What shall I do.

xvii

COLOMBIA: New President-Elect, Same Old Story

BOGOTA, Jun 21 2010 (IPS) \- Former Colombian Defense Minister Juan Manuel Santos was elected president with the votes of just 30 percent of all voters on the electoral rolls, while turnout stood at a mere 45 percent in this country caught up in a civil war since 1964.

 http://www.ipsnews.net/2010/06/colombia-new-president-elect-same-old-story/

"Hi, Sherwynne."

Simoné looks beautiful.

With her Brasil top and tight jeans.

Wow.

She had some curvy hips.

She gets into the car next to me.

Melissa says hi and then chats with Thurston again.

I could see why he liked her.

She was genuine.

I look over at Simoné.

Guilty written all over my face.

"I'm sorry."

She smiles at me.

That smile that hit you for a homerun.

"Sherwynne, I knew you weren't going to come. As you stood there and lifted that crate. I knew already. So, I got Thurston to get me to you."

I wasn't sure what to say.

Simoné had me so confused.

Does she really like me?

What about André Valentine?

Does she not think that I am a monster?

I almost killed Georgie.

Right in front of her.

I shudder at the thought of that day.

Tuesday, 22 January 1991.

I remember the dress Simoné wore.

It looked to be mostly cloth just folded about her.

She looked beautiful.

I remember the look in her eyes.

She was sad.

Uhm.

Yes.

She must think that I am a monster.

I didn't know what to think.

Why does she so desperately want to see me.

She knows.

Uhm.

I told you.

You should never have come to Cape Town.

xviii

"Tequila for you?"

Tequila.

No.

"Thanks. But no."

I look over at Simoné.

"Big sissy," she teases.

We weren't really focused on the match.

Thurston and Melissa were more into it.

We slipped away to Stones.

Watched the game there.

Simoné and I.

Alone.

I took a sip of my Heineken.

She was drinking a Mojito.

Simoné has really grown into her body.

That André was one lucky guy.

Uhm.

"Sherwynne, there's something I must tell..." A guy bumps into Simoné then falls on the floor.

He gets up and seems to want to start a fight.

I take Simoné's hand and walk us out.

The guy was not fighting with us.

He was arguing with a Spain supporter.

Guess he must be in support of the Portuguese.

Uhm.

Real hooligans.

Umf.

Must be English.

Rooney shirt said it.

Long Street was an absolute buzz.

I wonder what the night had in store for us.

Simoné looks at me.

Blushes.

Rests her head on my shoulder as we keep walking along in the direction of the parade.

"Fill the cup more!" Shouts a homeless man at a woman.

She stammers back and hits her head on the side of the cement curb.

"Serves you right!"

He shouts as she just lies there.

We were now in Darling.

I wanted to help her up.

But Simoné stopped me.

"No, Sherwynne. It's best not to get involved. Let the police take care of it. Come. Let's go."

I stare back at the guy as he gulps down the liquor straight from the bottle.

It falls down his chin and into his thick unkempt beard.

It was homebrew.

Cheap stuff.

I wondered if that was perhaps his wife.

No one even seems to notice.

We walk further and join Thurston and Melissa.

It was the second half.

Torres was off.

Thurston was disappointed at that.

But that goal by Villa made him forget all about it.

Guess he was no longer torn in two.

Spain was sure to win.

Simoné stares at me and sighs.

"What did you want to tell me?"

I ask.

She looks away.

Then back at me.

I was not sure what to make from her expression.

"Nothing. Let's watch the soccer."

She rests her head on my shoulder.

"That goal was offside!" Shouts a Portuguese supporter.

Yip.

Soccer indeed.

End of Football World Cup 2010 - The Castle

Whisperers

"(As for) those who took the calf (for worship), surely wrath from their Lord and humiliation shall overtake them, and thus do We recompense the devisers of lies. (Qur'an 7:152)"

Connection

"How is it possible, Sher?"

Nia looks me in the eye.

Serious expression.

_Doe_ eyes.

Filled with questions.

I loved this about Nia.

That she was constantly asking questions.

And she wanted answers.

An opinion at least.

_My_ opinion.

She wanted to know what _I_ thought.

She showed interest.

I looked at her.

Just for a moment.

With great expectation for the eyes that would follow next.

Still _doe_ eyes.

Fluttering.

But now as if they could see inside me.

As if she _sees_ me.

I could look forever into these beautiful eyes.

"I've wondered, you know.

The things that happened to us.

Do you remember _The Catch_?"

I looked at Nia.

She closes her eyes.

Then immediately opens them again.

"The guy who moved to America after his cousin?"

"Yes. Old _Honeybuns_.

How we ended up finding each other, after the evening at the _College_ , made me wonder.

The answered questions that were erased in emails.

The call when I just wanted to hear your voice.

The sms I sent you, when all you wanted to know that I was thinking of you.

When you went to do your _parlour queen thing_.

I look at Nia.

She looks at me.

Soft _doe_ eyes.

Fluttering.

"How is it possible, I also repeatedly asked?

How could I hear you?

And answer you?

With _row row row your boat_ no less.

Just when you so dearly wanted to hear it.

And we were miles apart.

How could I hear your wish and answer it?

How could I hear your voice in my heart?

Uhm.

I prayed a lot and asked for God's guidance.

Sought answers from Him.

And you know what?

It is He.

He makes this possible.

He watches us both.

He watches everyone.

He tells me what you do.

He tells you what I do.

He is actually showing us that He is there.

It is He that allows that you may climb into the empty box.

That we may be together here in Utopia.

That we may hear the daisies giggle.

He permits it just for you and me.

I know that now, more than ever.

That's why I have to show you.

Nia.

We cannot stay here any further.

Time is short.

And this time with you here, in Utopia, is precious.

But measured.

Come. "

End of Connection

Whisperers

The Tarzan sounds

**PRAYER CALL FOR WORSHIP AND PRAYER**

**FOR THE EARLY MORNING WORSHIP AND PRAYER SESSION (Fajr):**

Allah is the greatest, Allah is the greatest  
Allah is the greatest, Allah is the greatest  
I testify that nothing or no one is worthy of worship, only Allah  
I testify that nothing or no one is worthy of worship, only Allah  
I testify that Muhammad is a messenger of Allah  
I testify that Muhammad is a messenger of Allah  
Come to worship and prayer, come to worship and prayer  
Come to success, come to success  
Worship and prayer is better than sleep, worship and prayer is better than sleep  
Allah is the greatest, Allah is the greatest  
There is nothing or no one worthy of worship, only Allah.

Achmet

Salaam alaykum, Achmet.

My brother.

Time to get up.

Peace be with you.

Ha ah.

It's the athaan

Get up.

No.

Five more minutes.

Allah is calling you.

Allah will understand.

He knows my weaknesses.

He accepts me just as I am.

Just five more minutes.

Your Creator is at your disposal.

Get up.

Rub your face.

Go take wudhu.

The water will wake you up.

I hardly slept.

This one snores so much.

Got no sleep at all.

I'm tired.

A hectic day lies ahead.

Just five more minutes.

Kanala.

Your best friend is waiting for you.

Why do you let him wait.

He will understand.

He knows me the best.

He made me.

And that is also how he left me.

Just five more minutes.

I will get up.

Achmet.

Allah is calling you.

Hmmmmm.

* Snores *

__

_Moana Lisa_

__

"I see you forgot to close the curtain. Properly. Again."

Ya, Allah.

Here we go.

Again.

"Is it really that difficult?"

Why does she always have to pull that unpleasant face?

Really makes her look more like a crow than under normal circumstances.

At least she is wearing her _hijab_ today.

Perhaps it will remind her that she is a _Muslim_.

I doubt it.

Ya, Allah.

Please forgive me.

But she drives me crazy.

"Take the curtain to the centre of the frame and make sure the edges are properly covered."

She goes ahead and shows me.

Again.

Does she really think I am an idiot?

Can she not see that the stupid curtain does not matter to me?

Only to her.

Why doesn't she fix it if it bothers her?

Why does she have to nag and nag and nag?

And nag.

Huh uh.

The moaning drives me nuts.

Oh, Allah.

Please guide me with this woman.

"You see? Easy as that. Kanala."

Yes, my dear.

I say sarcastically to myself, with a big, fake smile on my face.

She doesn't even notice.

No.

I think she quite simply doesn't care. She only wants to hear her own voice and have things done her way.

If it wasn't for Fatima, I would never have stayed married to the witch.

She walks into the kitchen. Maybe she will make me some breakfast. Perhaps I should just bake an egg and grab some of the leftover chicken. That was dry as a bone and absolutely no flavour at all. But it was edible and hit the spot. Praise is due to Allah. For sustaining me.

Before I can grab the pan, she stops me.

"You better get out of my kitchen." She points the pan at me. Those grey, _green_ eyes not the pretty things I used to like. All I see in those eyes now are hatred and vengefulness. I will never be forgiven. Even pardoned. I can only hope for Allah's mercy and forgiveness. I am doing my best, but that is never even an attempt at anything.

"Just stay out of my kitchen."

She puts the pan in the oven drawer and walks over to the sink.

"If you want something to eat, then you can wait."

She points to the single cup standing in the basin.

"If you would listen to clean your mess up after you are done with it, I could get to your stomach sooner. But yes. How many times..."

It never ends.

She just carries on and on and on.

Nag, nag, nag!

If it wasn't for Fatima.

I would surely _talaq_ this woman.

I know Allah does not like it, but I am at my limit.

If I should hear about another dirty cup left in the sink, I will most definitely let them blow the place up.

I have been against it, but perhaps it will give me something to take my mind of things.

If I could just clinch this deal, I can finally do it.

Get Fatima the operation she needs and perhaps this old nag-hag would be satisfied somehow. I doubt it though. The only person that can please her is herself. No man can live with all these itty-bitty things she wants to make **mole** -hills of.

May Allah keep those mountains from toppling all over her.

Why does she stick around if she is so miserable?

Why can't she just go and be at peace with her wonderful friends that she keeps telling me about? Perhaps if they knew her like I do, they would think twice about hanging out with her.

May Allah forgive me.

But the single sweet wrapper paper was simply too much.

I mean.

A bloomin' wrapper.

For goodness sake.

I didn't do it on purpose.

I mean.

To upset her.

I didn't put it there to upset her.

But there the wrapper was lying on top of the lounge table. I had folded it neatly and was going to throw it in the dustbin as soon as I got up, but she got to see it before I could do that, or even hide it.

Huh uh.

Terrible mistake.

Did this vicious cow go all out on me like she was at some sort of convention for _fast talking_ _women_. I could barely make out any of the horrible words that came from her mouth. I could not believe she knew so many curse words or even understood some of them.

Didn't matter who she was hurting in the process. She just hammered on.

Ya, Allah.

You teach us to be selfless.

But all this woman does is think about herself.

Moan and nag, nag and moan.

Everything must be done her way.

She even came and took over the one place I could be myself. Be free to express my thoughts and feelings and be reminded of You.

But she came and intruded.

Invaded it.

Now more than ever, I want to leave her.

Please, Allah.

Help me.

Free me from this hell.

Free me from this _thing_ holding me down.

Free me from this.

Moaning psycho.

This.

_Moana Lisa._

_ii_

****

"Morning, my angel."

The light of my life.

Fatima.

What would I do without her?

Of course, _if it wasn't for her_ , I wouldn't be stuck in this mess.

But not one day do I regret it.

To have children is a blessing.

The man without children or a family is a poor man indeed.

Ya, Allah.

You have blessed me.

"Did you sleep well?"

I love the way she looks when she pouts her mouth as if to say _leave me alone, I am still waking up._

So young and already got her mother's morning moods.

She puts her fingers to my ears and pulls them softly.

She smiles wide and then looks at me.

"Salaam, Daddy."

Her soft wake up voice.

Almost like she is whispering.

She rubs her eyes and then gets up from underneath the covers and lifts her arms up for me to pick her up.

She rests her head on my shoulder and seems to fall asleep again.

Her breathing seems to be normal and no fever today.

Alhamdulilah.

I kiss her head and make my way into the living room.

Breakfast was served.

Nothing special.

Eggs and bread.

Usually she'd add all sort of stuff to it, made it seem like the eggs were some sort of gourmet meal, but that was before Fatima was born.

Now it was just plain old egg and bread.

Don't know about women.

Once they got you, then everything changes.

Or is this still because of what I have done?

Can someone really be so stuck in the past that they cannot see the damage that is caused by reminding the person of what they did every single day of their existence, only because she is sad and miserable with her own situation.

Why doesn't she go?

No.

She is too _scared and pathetic._

_Lonely and miserable._

The time she spends in my personal space is evidence of this.

Why is she always in there and never with her friends that she can't stop ranting on about?

If I should hear again about how great this one is and how she wished I was more like so and so's husband.

I might.

Yes.

I might _hit_ her.

I am at that point where I want to lift my fist to this woman that is supposed to be my wife, because she is unreasonable and looks for trouble.

She stirs up trouble.

Looks for ways to upset me.

Deliberately.

Almost like she gets some sick pleasure from it.

Allah, please bind my hands.

Let me not lift a finger.

Please, Allah.

You are the best of helpers.

Help me to endure this with sabr.

Patience.

InshaAllah.

But ya.

Alhamdulilah.

Fatima was fast asleep again.

Would have to get some food into her.

I am never sure if what I am doing is right, but inshaAllah.

Allah will surely make it easy for me.

I look at Zubaida as she starts eating.

"Don't you Bismillah, anymore?"

Mistake.

"I made my niyyat in my heart. You Bismillah out loud if you want to. You need it."

Wonder what she meant.

Perhaps she poisoned the food.

iii

"You better put the brat down before you go and mess on my couch."

Old crow face.

Oh, Allah.

Please make it easy.

"She is enough of a burden. I do not need to take care of another baby."

Huh uh.

Huh uh.

I shake my head and stand up.

Sure not to wake Fatima. I was still worried that she hadn't eaten, but the doctor said it would be best to let her rest whenever she needs too. If she skips too many meals then we could perhaps explore other options.

I laid her down in her cot and covered her with her small pink blanket. Zubaida had chosen it. It had blue elephants on it. Then she was still sort of into the idea of being a mother. She chose the one with the blue elephants because she wanted a boy. She always said pink is just a colour and it doesn't matter. I'm sure the Nabi said otherwise.

I went back into the kitchen. Scooped up more egg and sat down. I look over to Zubaida. She was staring at me.

"Haven't you eaten enough already?"

Written all over her face.

Before I could start.

"You know what, Achmet?"

She stares me down with narrow eyes.

Her nostrils flare.

The tip of the beak shaped nose seemed to almost be ready to peck.

Viciously.

"I regret the day I ever laid my eyes on you."

She was serious.

She didn't shout or seemed to want to mock me.

No, this was Zubaida being honest.

"That was most certainly the worst day of my life."

She stands up and goes and stands in the corner of the room.

The room was mostly empty. Just the two opposite couches and the table at the centre.

She stands under the picture she had bought. It was apparently the picture of the Prophet's tomb. Sallallahu alayhi wasallam. I didn't like that thing hanging in our house. Last I checked no one was allowed near there and no one has ever taken a picture of it. It was closed by the Sahaba till this day. But tell her that and she goes ballistic.

I prepared myself mentally.

Ya, Allah.

I know I made this decision.

I am not displeased with Your will.

I do ask that You please make it easy.

InshaAllah.

Ameen.

"You and your smooth mouth. I should have known you were trouble."

She shakes her head and paces around. This with one hand on her hip and the other to her head. She seemed to be searching for words. I clenched my fists. I knew where this was going. I was in for it again. Another lecture. Another beating.

Alhamdulilah.

"I should have listened to Baba when he told me to lower my gaze."

She seems to smile at remembering it. She smirks and then immediately growls.

"He was always telling me to stay away from boys. I rebelled as hard as I could. Deliberately stopped wearing my hijab and started wearing more fashionable clothes. Listened to rock music and even got the spiked bracelet to show it all off. I'm sure if I went for a more Goth look with my make-up, my mother would never leave the house."

She laughs. Then snarls.

"Baba always gave me an earful of course. All I screamed that this was not the time of ignorance. We women are free. Baba almost had a heart attack when I got those super high stilettos and short mini dress for Eid. My hair had purple streaks."

She comes to stand in front of me. This time both hands on her hips.

"Baba was absolutely right!"

She shouts.

"Look what it got me. It got me left with a fool like you."

She shakes her head.

Those eyes.

Oh, Allah.

What must I do?

I clench my teeth. I tried to relax my body. But I was on edge. I put my hand to the couch and grab at it. I just needed to hold onto something.

"How could you do it, Achmet?! How could you be so stupid?! All that money! Just like that! How! Could! You!"

iv

"All on those drug deals of yours!"

How much more was she going to let loose? I was near erupting. I shifted uneasily on the couch.

"I told you to stop dealing! Get away from Davids and his gang! But no! You never listen!"

The words are all covered in small drops of spit as it leaves her mouth. You could see that her mouth was starting to dry. But I don't think that she was anywhere near stopping. This speech I have heard a thousand times before. A hundred times this month alone. It was the worst January in history.

Ya, Allah.

Please bless me with sabr.

I can't take much more of this.

"You told me that you would get clean and start living honestly! But, arg!!"

She paces fast to the kitchen to get some water.

Alhamdulilah.

A bit of intermission.

What she said was true.

I did say that I would stop. But that deal seemed like a done thing. If it wasn't for the tip off to the cops, we would have been rich. But I was a fool. That was true too. Allah warns us against these things, but I didn't listen. Guess all of this is part of my dunya punishment. May He have mercy on me in the akhira.

After two glasses of water, Zubaida returns to the lounge. She undoes her hijab. Runs her fingers through her dark hair and ties it with her navy bun at the back. She folds her hijab neatly. Sure to get the triangle perfect. Yes, perfect corners, before she takes the longer of the straight edge and puts it on her head. She pins it and ties the back. She tugs at the pins again. Sure to have the pins symmetrical about her head and fully covering the cloth. Usually she takes only a few minutes to do this.

It was like second nature.

But today she took her time. It was all part of her scheme.

She enjoyed drawing her torture on and on.

I was not sure what to make of this behaviour by Zubaida. It was like she had a complex or something. She felt inferior I guess. Guess all the liberties she had while growing up, didn't free her from her own demons. That is the ultimate test.

The self.

She was insecure and lacked self-esteem.

I was a means for her to be in control. Someone to manipulate. She knows my weaknesses and that's how she succeeds to tare me down.

She wanted power.

And to be well off.

She wanted all those wonderful things she saw on TV. I told her many times to stop watching that tube that corrupts the mind, but she didn't listen.

She thought I was going to be a successful businessman, that's why she let me ask her dad to see her. Within a month we were married and we seemed to be happy.

But then my deal went south and so did all the love.

Was it ever even love?

She reminded me about my foolishness and stupidity from fajr to eshaai.

It was a nightmare.

A living nightmare.

If not for Allah, I don't know what I would have done.

Huh uh.

This woman has some tricks.

Huh uh.

Then we got pregnant.

And then I was placed in hell.

v

"I was going to leave you, Achmet. But I gave you another chance. But, arg!"

I was starting to worry that she might pop a vein. They were like thick spaghetti all along her neck. A thick one down the top of her forehead. The eyes were the worst. They were absolutely dark. The mouth exposing the teeth like she was ready to bite me.

"I regret the day I got pregnant with your brat!"

She meant it.

She didn't love Fatima. Perhaps in her own way she did. But she saw her only as the chain holding her down to me. Zubaida is a beautiful woman. Even now as she looks so vicious and cruel, her crow face suited her. She was like a beautiful bird. Her cute beak shaped nose. All these things I loved about her. I'm sure she could have anyone she wanted. But she chose to be with me.

I thought I was the luckiest man alive. Open-minded Muslim wife. I thought I had it all.

That deal would have been the cherry on top.

But ya.

Allah is the Seer of all.

That's when I realised that she didn't love me for me. She only loved the idea of me. She had this fantasy in her head all planned out. I tell you. It's those fairy tales. When I lost all my money, her true colours started to show. She said in so many words that she only married me, thinking that I was going to be rich. She had vowed from what she learnt from her parents' broken marriage that she would not be like that. She would be like Cinderalla that got her Prince. And her step sibs would be sorely upset that she got the doctor and they got the engineer.

Zubaida was a funny one.

When I lost it all, I was a wreck. I thought Zubaida would be there to support me, but she only broke me down. When she finally told me that she had forgiven me and that she was sorry, she knew how much the deal meant to me, I thought I had some hope. I would be able to get clean with her help. But then we got pregnant and Zubaida did a complete 360.

I understood then.

She was only willing to stick around to see what happens. I am sure those trips to the Golden Acre, was to check out possible fish she could catch. But getting pregnant meant she could not just up and leave.

Zubaida first considered an abortion. She did this behind my back. Thank Allah that she had a conscience. She came and discussed it with me. I told her that it was our child and that I was against termination. The thought alone, made me think otherwise of Zubaida. It sort of gave me a different perception of who she was.

Didn't she believe in Allah?

I didn't understand her. She would want all these fancy framed pictures of Mecca and Medina, but that was all just for show.

No.

More like it was tradition or culture. Instead of that it was a way of life.

She only saw the Qur'an as a guide and that is it. A reference place amongst many other reference places. Not as I saw it. As the only true guidance. A living guidance. Alive today, as it was when it was revealed so many years ago.

But Ya, Allah.

The pregnancy was tough on Zubaida and hence it was tough on me.

"I'm sorry Achmet, but I can't take this anymore. I want out."

She paces around in circles. Biting her nails.

I didn't say anything. I got up and went to the backroom. My personal space. The space she invaded.

I locked the door behind me and went to the canvas. I always loved drawing and painting. When I was little I would use the crayons to paint with. Melt them and do abstract art with it. I found it therapeutic. I felt it expressed a void I felt for not having a father. I never knew my dad, since he was murdered by some gang members when I was a baby. Things were tough on my mother, but Allah sustained us. I got involved with drugs and started dealing. Then I met up with Davids and have been indebted to him ever since. If only I could break free from him. Then I could really be clean. Get my life straight.

For Fatima.

Purely for Allah's sake.

I would be a fool to carry on like this. Have I not seen the light? Know I not that it is only Allah that can help me?

I walk closer to the piece I was working on.

It was done in pencil.

I preferred a pencil.

I used paintbrushes in my teens.

As I grew older I started using a pencil. I picked up the HB and pressed it down hard on the drawing and dragged it all the way across. I dragged it over the image repeatedly then ripped it off. Tore it to pieces and threw it all in the dustbin.

I kicked the canvas to the ground. The one leg broke as it hit the wall and crashed to the floor.

I didn't think it would feel like this.

I got my wish.

But it didn't mean that it didn't hurt.

That she gave up on me.

She doesn't believe in me anymore.

I had some hope.

That was indeed the inspiration for my drawing. I drew it for her. It was a portrait of her and Fatima. It was a good day then. We had all gone to the beach, Milnerton. She had fun. She even played with Fatima. Built sandcastles and had ice cream. Zubaida let Fatima bury her in the sand. We took a picture. She sure managed to make me laugh.

Old crow face.

But that was an illusion. She didn't love me. And that is the saddest truth.

I got up and left the room. Checked on Fatima quick. She was sound asleep.

I passed the witch and left the house. It was now or never.

I will have to do this now.

Then I can give it all up.

Start fresh and new.

Just Fatima and me.

InshaAllah.

vi

Tuesday, 22 January 1991.

"Seize this business, Achmet."

Abdullah sure could be an annoyance sometimes.

"This is against Allah's will. You can't be going around killing people."

"I'm not the one doing the killing. I'm just helping them to get the weapons they need."

"Still. Can't you see what they are going to do?"

Abdullah looked at me with his small, brown eyes. His green topi covered with a white cloth today. I always admired how white and clean his clothes were. Mine always looked dull. Zubaida washed them. Abdullah did his own laundry. He must have learnt the hard way too.

"If these people don't want to listen, then they must be taught a lesson. Allah's will must be done."

"Yes, but killing people is not the way to go about it."

Abdullah was pleading.

"I am not the one who will be pulling the trigger."

I was adamant. I didn't want Abdullah to force me to do otherwise. I needed the money. Davids had what I needed. He back-stabbed me before and has me indebted because of it. I'll do the same to him.

Only thing was Jamiel.

He was not one to easily trust anyone. His loyalty towards Davids has also worn thin. He would go with it. But how do I then get rid of him. He would want half and I needed everything. Fatima's doctor said that she might need to be taken care of for the rest of her life.

I needed all of the money.

"Think of all those innocent people that will suffer because of this."

Abdullah grabbed me by my arm.

"That is not Islam. Let them rather take your weapons and then you can truly die as martyrs." He was never one to back down. Got to admire that about Abdullah. He always insisted on keeping the peace. He always said it is better to stay alive and take care of your mother, than to go off and die in some war. A war that was won ages ago. He always insisted that we endure the suffering and continue to do good deeds for Allah's sake. Allah did indeed warn us of the bad times that would come. But he also believed in Allah's aid if the suffering was endured with sabr.

I agreed.

But I thought I had been patient enough. Fatima was now nearly five years old and still no improvement in her condition. I trusted in Allah, but I also believed one should try to help yourself, then Allah will do the rest.

This deal was my chance at that.

No, I was not going to give in.

What they do with the stuff once they have it, is none of my concern.

All I want is the money.

Then Fatima and I can be happy.

Without Zubaida.

I got immediately angry thinking about her.

Wonder if she was going through my drawings again. Adding things to them to make me know that she was there. Once she threw turpentine all over a few paintings. They were all ruined. When I asked her about them, she said she didn't know anything about it.

But who else could it be. She was the only one ever at the house.

It was most certainly not me.

But that was all part of the things Zubaida got up to.

Completely turned spiteful.

No.

Abdullah was not going to get me to back out.

I was going to do this and today was the day.

vii

Jamiel was already inside. He was sorting through the stuff. They would never call it by its name, that is all they would say.

The stuff.

People literally kill for the stuff. I couldn't believe it when I heard it.

They kill to get it from the victim.

I didn't ask much. The buyers were plenty and they paid well. According to Davids. Where Davids got it only he knows. But just a bit of that stuff and I will be sorted for life. Only thing was to persuade Jamiel to put some aside. Say that everything was there. Davids trusted him and would never suspect a thing.

Stakes and G was busy sorting the weed. Usually G was only dealing with Mandrax, but now he found weed to be more profitable. He did manage to save some of the money he made. But most he spends buying LSD from Davids.

So he was basically Davids' slave.

He looked in his teens. No teeth except the two top front ones. He really looked clownish. He just got back from Stikland and already back to his old tricks. But who was I to say anything.

Here I was too. Hopefully for the very last time.

Yes.

If I succeed today, I will stop all this nonsense and live an honest life.

Zubaida might have given up on me being a successful businessman, but I have not. I had my drawings and artwork too. Who knows. Perhaps I'll get enough money so that I may never have to work again. I could then just draw and paint. That would be good.

Ya, Allah.

InshaAllah.

I walked over to Jamiel. Shukr Allah that Abdullah has gone in to the main house first. He would have a heart attack if he saw what was going on here. He only thought there were weapons here. He didn't know that Davids dealt with both guns and drugs.

"Salaam, brother." I say to Jamiel.

"Don't you come Salaam brother me. You're a sly pig." He raises a fist to my face. "Don't think I have forgotten what you did, you old rubbish."

Jamiel was just like Zubaida. Couldn't forgive and move on. But he was easy enough to twist around the finger. He was not all that intelligent really. Sly he was, but not too intelligent.

"What has Davids decided? What's the target? Adderley or Waterfront?"

He looks at me with a vacant expression and says "Neither."

What did that mean? Don't tell me.

"Has he decided to go with the electricity?"

Davids sure has got a knife in for these people. That would surely leave us all in darkness.

Ya, Allah.

May You have mercy on us all.

I spoke to Jamiel and told him what I had in mind. He was in when he heard the ting of the cash register. He would do anything to make a quick buck. But this was money he would never see in his life working for Davids.

Davids was the real crook. Letting us do his dirty work, while he gets all the cash. All transfers straight to his accounts. The clients' names never disclosed. There was something really bizarre about it all.

I needed to get away from it that was all I knew.

Only thing now was to get rid of Jamiel.

viii

"When are you going to start helping around the mosque as you promised?"

Abdullah was on my case again.

"We could always use the extra hand you know." He looks at me. He was seriously waiting for me to answer.

"InshaAllah. Soon as I have my car fixed."

That should be soon, I thought. It might be much sooner than I think.

"What's wrong with it?"

Abdullah takes out a samosa from a parcel he was carrying and offers me one too. I loved samosas, but the old crow would rarely make us any. She used too. In the beginning.

"Shukran," I say and suck some air into my mouth. Abdullah's wife sure knew what to do with that mother-in-law and hot curries.

"If you need money then why don't you put in some shifts at the factory?"

Abdullah sure could be persistent.

"We could use your skills with the labels. That Sulaiman got a whole batch wrong. Cost us quite a lot of money. But he is a good kid. I should have trained him better. But you'll do quick work of it all."

"InshaAllah," I smile. I really didn't want to go and sit and work in a factory. That would suck big time. Sure Abdullah paid fair wages; I just couldn't see myself in a factory.

Zubaida would definitely have a fit.

She would get the talaq over with quicker then. Wonder what her dear old Baba was going to say about all this.

But that was Zubaida's baby to handle.

My only concern was Fatima.

"InshaAllah, inshaAllah, that's all you ever say."

He looked at me almost as if he was cross. What was wrong with Abdullah? One would swear he is the moaner now.

Moana Lisa.

Worse than Zubaida.

"InshaAllah, Abdullah. Shukran for the samosa. Salaam," I run off to catch up with Jamiel.

Abdullah just shook his head.

"Astagfirullah," Is all I heard him say, as he turned and walked further down Main.

Jamiel and I headed towards the train tracks.

Near Observatory station.

That was the quickest to get to them.

I would have to find a way to get Jamiel to leave it somewhere.

Then I would have to find a way to leave him. Sure he let me hold it. But that was only because he was with me. He wouldn't leave me with it otherwise. Only thing is he didn't know who to sell it to.

That was where I had the upper hand. Jamiel was also too scared to even go around selling this on his own and behind Davids back. Davids was not one to mess around with. I knew I was taking a big risk, but I was desperate.

I needed this.

This would be for the change I needed.

Just this last deal and I will be clean.

I will be free.

Just me and Fatima.

InshaAllah.

ix

I saw the white, blond boy run hysterically along the train tracks.

Looked like he was running away from something. No one was chasing him though. He threw his backpack on the ground and crawled into the tunnel quick. That sure was a long one to attempt for a kid that small.

Jamiel didn't notice him.

Then it occurred to me.

Why not leave it in the tunnel. Specifically that one where the kid is in.

If I knew anything about boys, was that they would surely want to know what it is. No harm can come to the stuff while in his possession. That was an Observatory school uniform. White boy like that would be easy enough to find again.

I didn't see any other way. I needed to get away from Jamiel, or stay with him, while the stuff disappeared. He could then not blame me. And I would then have it all. Hopefully in time to make the deal.

If the boy doesn't take it, then I would have to figure something else out.

This was a double cross like no other.

Davids would surely kill each and every one of us.

But it was a risk I was willing to take.

I couldn't carry on like this any longer. These eight years with Zubaida has been hell. Not to mention the struggles with Fatima. We always had food and the essentials. But that's not how Zubaida wanted to live. No. She wanted maids and everything to be done for her. She sure wanted to live the life. I thought I could give it to her.

Still think I can. Just don't want to any more. She doesn't deserve it.

No.

Only Fatima and me from now on.

x

"I should never have listened to a bloody rubbish like you!"

Jamiel was beyond mad. But there was nothing he could do to me. I was with him the entire time. Had to listen to him go on about his obsession with Psalm 28. We all were a bunch of hypocrites. Here he has this tattoo on his arm, but he sits and works for one of the most corrupt people I know.

And then there's me. InshaAllah, this will be the last time.

It couldn't have been easier.

Now I only have to find that kid.

That shouldn't be too difficult.

"Come, girl, there is nothing left here for us to do. Just make dua that Davids doesn't find out."

"Bloody @rsehole. I should have known better than to listen to you!"

He sure could moan too.

"I should have known this was going to be another one of your schemes that just never works! Idiot I am for trusting you again, Achmet!"

"Huh uh."

Moana Lisa.

End of Chapter 7

Whisperers

For Ms Patricia De Lille

Cape of Storms

The devil will catch you.

Mommy told me so.

Every day.

i

I remember the first day I met Jerry very well.

That was however not in 1991.

No.

I met Jerry in 1990 already.

I don't know why I lied about this.

Scared?

No.

I simply do not know where to begin.

Uhm.

Yes.

*Sigh*

Jerry did show up at our house that day in 1991.

But it was a completely different story compared to when I met him for the first time.

That day in 1990, when I thought he was going to spend the night.

Gets me immediately angry thinking about the man.

To think that after all these years, I still had a deep hatred for him.

He was nothing but a loser.

After all.

A rubbish that only came to ruin our lives.

Uhm.

But was I perhaps also responsible for what happened?

I could never be sure.

Would they still have come if I hadn't taken the black leather pouch?

But how else could I?

He forced me to take it.

Didn't give me any other choice.

Him I could barely make sense of.

As soon as I took the pouch, he vanished.

Poof.

Just like that.

He was gone.

I thought I had imagined it.

That wasn't true.

Of course.

But I believed that it was merely a reaction to Georgie for destroying Simoné's surprise.

Anger and sadness.

Uhm.

I went home and Mommy took care of my leg.

Later.

Jerry came.

With the rest.

Uhm.

That night I will never forget.

Ha ah.

I remember that Monday very well.

Just before Mr Love welcomed us all back to school.

We sang that song.

Mommy tells me every day, the devil will catch me.

And him I am so afraid of, for I know that he will catch me.

If only I had listened and prayed as the song continued...

Then I go to my room and kneel before my bed

And ask the dear Lord Jesus, to protect me with his blood that he bled

Uhm.

If only I had listened and prayed.

Then nothing would have happened.

Then perhaps they would never have come.

Maybe they would never have hurt Mommy.

Or Anubis.

What about poor Simoné?

Uhm.

It's all your fault.

ii

Wednesday, 23 January 1991.

The black dust kept swirling and twirling after me.

I looked straight at his face once.

It was there.

In the midst of all the swirling dust.

Those eyes.

They really freaked me out.

I was near the long cement pipes.

I was about to go into one of the shorter ones to hide.

I didn't know what else to do.

Before I could, he blocked my way.

He appeared right in front of the entrance.

The dust swirling and twirling against the light that came from the other end.

I dropped my schoolbag and moved away.

He was immediately right beside me.

I looked at the two pipes that formed one long, dark tunnel.

Then looked at him.

I didn't know what else to do.

It was the only way to get away.

He didn't try to block me when I went in.

No.

He just disappeared.

I thought it had worked.

I got away from him.

Thank God.

What was that?

Was it real?

I couldn't be sure.

Uhm.

Then I heard it.

A voice.

No.

Two.

And there he was.

Those eyes.

"Take it!"

I woke up.

That was the first time I had a dream about him.

Or was it a dream?

I couldn't be sure.

Aunty Anne was still fast asleep.

I went to the bathroom outside.

It was still pretty dark.

Tarzan sounds came from the mosque's direction.

Anubis slipped past me into the house.

iii

I waited at my usual spot by the school gate.

There was no sign of Georgie.

No sign of any bully.

Uhm.

I searched the playground for Simoné.

I was afraid to face her.

What must she not be thinking?

She must think that I am a monster.

But Simoné was nowhere to be seen.

No.

Uhm.

School started.

We were all back in Mrs October's class.

I had hoped that we would get Mrs Neethling.

She seemed so much nicer than Mrs October.

Even the soccer couch, Mr Scholtz, would have been a better choice.

But no.

We got stuck with Mrs October.

Umf.

I still feared her torture stick.

It was short break, when she came to me.

Natasha Jantjies.

Though we spent some time together over the holidays.

Didn't mean that we were friends.

I wonder what she wanted.

She didn't say anything.

She just handed me a note and went back to sit next to Gavin Jacobs.

They were now officially speening.

Not sure what that meant really.

Guess it meant they could now hold hands whenever they wanted.

Lucky thing.

I wanted to hold hands with Simoné.

But he came and ruined it.

Uhm.

Old, clown face.

Georgie.

I slowly opened Simoné's note.

I had never received a note from any girl before.

It felt strange.

But I was also curious to see what she had to say.

I looked up to see if anyone was watching me.

No one.

Not even Mrs October.

She would surely have me read it out loud if she should see it.

I started to read.

Dear Sherwin

Thank you for the ball.

I'm sorry my cousin broke it.

I'm sure it looked even more beautiful whole.

There is something I must tell you.

Please meet me by the bridge after school.

Simoné

iv

After school I waited almost two hours for Simoné.

But she never showed.

It was the longest wait of my life.

I had been stressing since I finished reading her note.

Could barely pay attention during Maths.

Algebra.

This year was going to be much worse than last year.

I went home. Got yelled at by Mommy for coming home late again. She warned me yesterday that I should come straight home after school. I don't think she believed the story I told her about my leg.

I wasn't completely sure what happened in the pipe.

Was I bitten, or was I cut?

But what could have bitten me?

I suddenly remembered the leather pouch.

It was not in my schoolbag this morning.

I remembered.

Aunty Anne.

I dropped it.

It must be lying underneath the bed.

But there was nothing. I looked and looked again.

Even moved the entire bed just to make sure.

What could have happened to it?

I noticed the new crate of Bashews.

Last there were only empty bottles.

The pouch must be with the empties.

Darn.

Uhm.

Oh, well.

Guess that's it for the pouch. I sure would have liked to have known what was inside it. Why were the two gangsters arguing about it?
"Sherwin! See who is at the gate. I heard it make a noise."

That was Mommy.

She was still in the bathroom.

Before I got out of my room, they were already in the house.

Uhm.

Jerry.

Georgie.

Scarface.

And what I found out later.

Mr D.

He was holding a golf club in his right hand.

I knew that all of this meant only one thing.

Mommy and I were in grave danger.

Before I could warn her, he grabbed me.

Scarface.

I saw his scar from up close.

It looked much deeper than when I saw it from within the cement pipe.

I was afraid he'd recognized me, but it didn't seem as if he did.

Or I don't know.

I couldn't be sure.

Jerry went to the bathroom.

There was nothing unusual about that.

Not for Mommy at least.

I tried to scream, but Scarface held his hand across my mouth. He held me in a tight grip.

Georgie sort of snarled.

Was this because I beat him up?

As soon as Mommy and Jerry came into the kitchen, Scarface let go of me as Mr D went and grabbed Mommy viciously by her hair.

She screamed out in pain.

I ran towards Mommy, but was grabbed again by Scarface. I screamed and kicked as hard as I could, but he was much too big for me. Georgie seemed to enjoy watching me try to free myself from his grip.

"You better speak now, Stakes, or I'll rip her eyes out!" That was Mr D.

He dragged Mommy by her hair into the living room.

Jerry and Georgie right behind them.

Scarface kept me in a tight grip as he stayed nearer to the kitchen.

Mr D threw Mommy onto the couch.

"Stay b!tch!"

He pointed the end of the golf club in her face.

Mommy cried and put her hands to her head. I tried to loosen myself from Scarface's grip, but it was useless.

"Stakes, where is it?" Mr D seemed to be talking to Jerry.

"I don't know D. Jamiel is lying. I never took anything."

Who was Jamiel, I wondered.

What was all this about.

I knew Jerry was nothing but trouble. Mommy really should have had her head examined.

I looked over to her.

She looked at me.

She only ever looked like that when Daddy died.

Almost like she didn't know what she was going to do anymore.

A hopeless expression.

Sad.

It saddened me to see it.

I struggled harder against Scarface's grip. But he held onto me tighter.

Georgie seemed to be the only one enjoying what was happening.

Or was it just the expression on his face?

He had a nice busted lip and a black eye.

His nose seemed funny looking.

Almost like it was swollen.

I sure beat him good.

This didn't seem to have anything to do with that though.

Or did it?

Was this perhaps about Simoné?

Was that perhaps why she wanted to see me?

But what would she have to do with Jerry, Scarface and Mr D?

Sure Georgie was her cousin.

But why were they here?

"Tell me, Stakes, or I'll bust her head!"

He raised the golf club into the air.

"I don't know, D. Honest to God. I don't." Jerry seemed to be pleading.

He sure looked pathetic.

Not the usual confident one that gave me a glare whenever Mommy told me to go to bed.

He seemed really scared.

"Very well then."

"No!"

I shouted and freed myself from Scarface's grip.

I slipped and fell.

Knocked my head hard against the sharp, wooden edge of the couch. I heard Mommy scream.

As he swung the golf club hard.

He hit her right in the face.

I heard it.

The loud crack.

*Crack*

Just as I passed out.

v

When I came too, we were no longer at the house.

I was wet and cold. It was raining.

I realized I was lying on the back of a bakkie.

How on earth did I get here?

Where is Mommy?

I was still slightly dizzy and my head ached there where I hit it.

Then I remembered.

The couch.

Yes.

It all started to come back to me.

Before I could do anything, I was grabbed by Scarface and he threw me to the ground.

I was not sure where we were. The bakkie was parked on an open area. Mostly grass and sand. There was a big warehouse to the left. Houses or flats to the right. More houses on the opposite side of the street. I had no idea where we were.

I was scared and frightened.

I looked around again for Mommy, but nothing. I remembered that he hit her.

Mr D.

Where was he?

I got up, but was pushed to the ground again.

Again it was Scarface.

He forced me to move in the direction where it seemed the others were.

They seemed to be more in the street.

Uhm.

It was late.

Most houses were dark. Here and there an outside light was on.

All the street lights were off.

He pushed me till they were all visible in the pouring rain.

Georgie and Mr D.

Jerry was gone.

I wonder what happened to him.

Maybe he was attacked by Mr D too.

What was it that they were looking for?

What did Mr D want?

Was it the leather pouch?

The one that was now lost?

I had a bad feeling about this.

I felt like crying.

I wish Daddy was here.

If he was here, he would make all of this disappear.

When Scarface was satisfied that we were close enough, he forced me to stand still.

Right next to him.

Did he know that I took the leather pouch?

This must be all my fault.

Oh, dear Lord.

Forgive me.

I am sorry I took it.

Please, let them not kill me.

The rain kept pouring.

More and more.

I saw the flash of lightning and almost immediately heard the thunder.

Like it was about to strike right where we were.

It scared me more.

Was Mommy alright?

Please let her be okay.

I prayed.

Uhm.

I wish Daddy was here.

vi

"I saw him give it to you."

That was Georgie.

He was talking to Scarface that was still standing next to me.

"You must still be on those drugs they pumped into you at Stikland!"

Scarface seemed more nervous than when I observed him from the pipe.

"I saw Jamiel give it to him, Mr D."

Georgie was adamant. He seemed to be positive about what he was saying.

"Stakes and I were busy sorting the weed, when I saw Jamiel hand it to him."

This had nothing to do with the leather pouch, I presumed.

What weed was this?

What were they talking about?

"That was just him handing me some bags to help with the sorting."

Georgie shook his head and smiled. Two top teeth fully exposed. Those gums. He wiped the rain water from his face and spat towards his left.

"Mr D, he took it. I followed them, but..."

He looked at me.

Snarled, and then looked back at Mr D.

"I lost them. Near the station..."

He looks at me again, then at Scarface.

Then both went quiet when Mr D took out the gun.

He pointed it at Georgie.

"Tell me where it is, or I'll kill you too."

Georgie was no longer smiling.

He wiped more rain water from his face.

I didn't think Georgie could look any funnier, but he did.

Now he too looked pathetic.

"I swear Mr D. He and Jamiel have what you are looking for."

Georgie seemed to try and hide from the pointed gun, by holding his hands closer to his face.

The thunder sounded to be getting closer.

"I am only going to ask you one last time. Then I start killing."

He points the gun to me.

Please, Lord. Let him not kill me, please. I am sorry.

I also tried to hide behind nothing.

I don't know why, it just seemed to be the best thing to do.

To hide.

Even though there was nothing to hide behind.

Umf.

Uhm.

Mr D then pointed the gun at Georgie and finally at Scarface.

"I swear, D. I don't know what he is talking about."

His voice changed.

Almost like he was scared too.

I could see it now.

The gun he had in his hand.

Scarface.

I heard the thunder and the gunshots almost simultaneously.

Dwah! Dwah!

*Dwah*

He fell to the ground.

He shot him.

He shot Scarface.

Georgie looked more scared than before.

"Now. Tell me where it is, G."

Mr D now had the gun on Georgie.

"I swear, Mr D. He or Jamiel has it. They took it. Yesterday. I swear. Please. Believe me."

It was sad to see Georgie beg.

Such a tough guy reduced to a pathetic little girl.

Serves him right.

"Very well then."

Mr D now pointed the gun to Georgie's head.

He pulled the trigger.

vii

I vomited.

It just came out of my mouth suddenly.

I stood more towards Scarface's body.

I was not sure whether he was dead.

The sight of the blood flowing from his shoulder made me vomit more.

It was washed away by the rain.

Mixed with the blood and all flowed down the drain.

It was mostly just Malta-bella.

That was all I had eaten all day.

Even right before Mommy went to take her bath.

I loved Malta-bella.

We were waiting for Aunty Anne, to have supper together. We did that sometimes when she worked day shift. After work was the only time we really got to see her.

Night-shift was the worst.

The hospital kept Aunty Anne busy. She sometimes had to stay late because a few of the nurses always showed up late for work.

She always said that she took it in good faith that they were telling her the truth when they gave her excuses about the busses showing up late or that there was some train strike.

Bona-fide story-tel-lers she used to call them.

I was never sure if the word was spelt bona or bono.

Not even sure if it was spelt with the minus sign or not.

English.

I hated it.

I looked at Scarface.

He was just lying on the tar road.

I suddenly felt very responsible.

Like I was somehow the cause for this man's death.

All because I took the stupid pouch.

I looked over to Georgie.

He was looking at me, but he looked back at Mr D quick.

"I'll ask you one last time, George. Where is it?"

George.

I always thought he was plain old Georgie.

"Not you too, G? You were my best. Took you as my son soon as your dad got himself wasted."

"Please, Mr D. I am telling you the truth. They took it."

Georgie was near tears.

I felt sad for him.

He didn't deserve to be shot.

As bad as Georgie was he didn't deserve to die in the rain.

By a bullet.

That was meant for me.

I deserved it.

I took it.

If Daddy taught me anything, it was that I must take responsibility for my actions.

Forced or otherwise.

I took it.

It was me.

I looked at Georgie.

He was still trying to hide behind nothing.

I leaped forward as Mr D pulled the trigger.

This time he wasn't bluffing.

I heard it.

Dwah!

*Dwah*

End of Cape of Storms

Whisperers

But Allah hath full knowledge of your enemies: Allah is enough for a Protector, and Allah is enough for a Helper. (Surah An-Nisa (The Women) 4:45 Holy Qur'an Yusuf Ali.)

**BB Gun fight**

**Fear and self-arming in South Africa**

_South African police say crime is decreasing, but levels of private gun ownership are stubbornly high_

 http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2013/feb/14/fear-arming-south-africa-guns

**Conscience**

_Mama,just killed a man..._

_From Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen_

_i_

"There are those I still wanted us to watch together, but... Alas.

_It's_ _Everybody hates Chris_ _and_ _Boondocks_ _."_

_Wednesday, 23 January 1991._

_23:35._

I leaped in front of Georgie.

Dwah!

***Dwah!***

I saw Anubis go to the ground.

No.

He jumped in front of me.

Lord, no.

Not Anubis.

I ran to him.

Took him in my arms.

Where did he come from?

Did he follow me all this way?

Why?

Why Anubis?

The gun fell out of his hand.

Scarface.

He wasn't dead.

I couldn't believe it.

But I focused on the gun.

**Take it.**

I picked it up.

Didn't even think about it.

**Do it.**

**Kill him.**

**He murdered your dog.**

I put my finger on the trigger.

Had to hold the gun with both hands.

It was heavy.

But it was not my first time to hold a gun.

No.

Daddy always let me hold his.

He kept one in his safe.

After Daddy came from the war at the border, he was different.

He trusted no one.

He got the gun and taught me how to use it too.

He wanted me to be safe if they came.

Mommy didn't like the idea at all.

Guns are dangers is what she always would say.

Daddy didn't back down though.

Being a white man, married to a Coloured woman, only meant he was a target.

That is what Daddy always said.

No.

The gun remained in our house.

It was still there today.

Mommy kept it, after Daddy died.

Uhm.

I was scared.

My fingers trembled.

My entire body was shaking.

Not only 'cause of the cold.

And wet.

I was angry.

Afraid.

Afraid-angry.

I couldn't be sure.

I took my finger off the trigger.

I couldn't do it.

No.

**Coward.**

I started putting the gun down.

The tears started rolling down my face.

The rain washed it away.

Mixed with all the blood that trickled down the drain.

I looked up.

Just in time to see him point the gun at my head.

He smirked.

Satisfied.

Pulled the trigger.

Dwah!

***Dwah!***

**ii**

"Mr D! Mr D!"

Georgie was screaming frantically.

He shook Mr D's shoulders.

I looked at the gun in my hands.

I can't believe I pulled the trigger.

I shot him.

Straight in his chest.

I let it fall to the ground as I fell to my knees.

I folded my arms across Anubis.

Buried my face next to his head and cried.

All the emotions I felt, just came pouring out.

The rain washed it all away.

Down the drain.

Anubis was still very warm.

Though wet.

Uhm.

I took him in.

That wet dog smell.

I was sure this would probably be the last time that I could.

My dog.

My friend.

He was dead.

I hated Mr D.

I hated myself.

Scarface stammered up slowly.

He looked at me, then at Georgie.

I didn't bother to move.

If he wanted to kill me, then he should do it.

I didn't want to live knowing that I killed a man.

Knowing that I caused my friend's death.

I deserve to die.

I must be punished.

**Yes.**

**You must.**

**You did it.**

**You killed him.**

**That is against his will.**

**Ha wa wa ko ko.**

**Ha wa wa ko ko.**

**Only one direction for you.**

**Uhm.**

**iii**

"Davids. Is he dead?"

This was Scarface.

And who...

Davids.

Mr D.

Oh, dear Lord.

Don't tell me it is _that_ Davids.

Please, let me not be the one responsible for her father's death.

Please, Lord.

Say it isn't so.

"Looks like he is, " said Georgie.

He looked at me.

He still seemed sad.

A bit relieved to.

"What are we going to do?"

He gets up and stands next to Mr D's body.

"We bury him."

Scarface said that plainly.

"We are both finally free of him."

Georgie looked at him.

Shook his head in agreement.

"So where is the stuff?"

Georgie was now more his usual self again.

I couldn't believe it.

Here I was freaking out and they were both casual.

As if nothing happened.

To top it all.

They seemed to be happy that I killed him.

Uhm.

Can you believe it.

"The stuff was taken. Jamiel and I left it in a tunnel near the tracks. When we went to get it, it was gone."

So they were after the leather pouch.

After all.

Now I hated myself even more.

I was truly responsible for this entire mess.

"That must be what Jamiel was on about before the cops took him."

That was Georgie.

"What do you suppose happened to it."

Georgie seemed very curious.

Like he really didn't know.

"No idea."

Scarface gave me a stare.

"What do we tell my cousin?"

That was Georgie.

"Who? Simoné?"

That was Scarface.

"We tell her nothing."

That was the end of the conversation.

They put Mr D on the back of the _bakkie_.

They took Anubis too.

Georgie carried him.

I could never manage by myself.

I didn't like it that he touched my dog.

But it was like Georgie wanted to carry him.

He put him down at the back of the _bakkie._

On top of a small mattress.

He was sure to put the head down softly.

It was strange to see.

He then joined Scarface in the front and we drove off.

As I sat next to Anubis.

His words repeated in my head.

I killed him.

I killed her father.

I shot Simoné's dad.

**Yes you did.**

Lord have mercy on me.

**iv**

We stopped in front of a huge church.

We were now more towards _Rondebosch._

It was completely dark on the church grounds.

It was creepy to be here.

They carried Mr D up a few stairs and took a left.

They headed towards a.

Cemetery.

I didn't go in.

I didn't like cemeteries.

Last and only time I have been to one, was for Daddy's funeral.

Seemed like a few people were put in boxes against the wall too.

I went back to the _bakkie._

Georgie came to fetch Anubis.

He didn't say anything.

I couldn't not go and see him be buried.

I went up the stairs behind Georgie.

The church looked gigantic.

We marched more towards the edge.

Closer to the fence.

I saw the police station.

I panicked.

If they see us.

I will end up in jail for sure.

What will happen to Mommy.

I failed Daddy.

I did.

He told me to take care of Mommy and I didn't.

I should never have taken that stupid pouch.

**Uhm.**

**It is entirely all your fault.**

Yes.

Yes, it was.

_End of Conscience._

_Whisperers_

**And the self and what proportioned it and inspired it with depravity or taqwa, he who purifies it has succeeded, he who covers it up has failed. (Surat ash-Shams: 7-10)**

_In the above verses, Allah declares that He has inspired the self with depravity (to act in a sinful manner, to disobey, to deviate, to lie, to turn away from righteousness, to stir up trouble, to decline in good manners). The opposite is taqwa (awe or fear of Allah which inspires a person to be on guard against wrong action and eager for actions which please Him). It is this very conscience that makes man guard against evil deeds and find the right way._

 http://harunyahya.com/en/Daily-Comments/14492/allahs-inspiration-to-every-man

_Blue Bulls Company staff get behind the Get Your Pink On campaign_

_A host of Blue Bulls Company staff took the lead at Loftus Versfeld today by getting tested for skin and breast cancer at a Mobile Health Unit provided by the Cancer Association of South Africa (CANSA). The Get Your Pink On Campaign officially culminates on 2 June when the pink dressed Vodacom Bulls will host the DHL Stormers at a sold out 50 000 seater stadium._

 http://www.getyourpinkon.co.za/2012/05/30/blue-bulls-company-staff-get-behind-the-get-your-pink-on-campaign/#.UQ6kVGe3mZQ

_  
_**The Roof**

_Sherwynne and Simoné_

_Sitting in a tree_

_K-I-S-S-I-N-_ **G**

**27 March 2012**

**You are looking for trouble.**

**Do you think she will ever want to talk to you again.** **

****If she should find out, you can forget it.** **

****Turn around.** **

****Go home.** **

****What if they are here.**

**Go back!**

**Now!** **

**_Sherwynne, I love you._ _

__Sherwynne, I do._

I walked slowly through the front gate.

Their house was one of the more luxurious.

Quite boastful.

Could tell they had money.

**Told you.** **

****You're wasting your time.** **

****Go home!**

I walked slowly along the pathway. I always enjoyed being here with Simoné when we were younger. The fennel sweet around us. She and her delicate ankles. She once dared me to play spin-the-bottle with her and a few of her friends.

I said no, but Simoné didn't want to hear a thing.

Girls are funny indeed.

And Simoné was full of surprises. I enjoyed her. She was one of my favourite people.

And back then, my only real friend.

But to me, she was more than just a friend. _

_ She was however with André Valentine.

Umf.

Ha-ha-ha.

But after that January 22, 1991, there was no way that I could be around her anymore.

I couldn't let her know.

Find out what I had done.

**She will if you don't turn around now.** **

****Dammit!** **

****Go home!**

I knocked on the door.

It opens immediately.

**Disgusting!** **

****That horrendous smell.**

**I can't stay here.**

**I told you!**

**Go home!**

"Sherwynne! You came." Simoné stood in the doorway. Very excited.

Beautiful.

With that smile that hit you for a homerun.

_Well._ _  
_ _Say something._

"Hello, Simoné," I said uncertainly.

Simoné's hair was loose and straight down.

It was a little lighter than I remember, more the colour it used to be in the sunlight.

The chilly weather in Cape Town didn't seem to bother Simoné.

She wore a tight skirt that showed off those legs for days. Thighs that just begged to be touched. One could see Simoné went to the gym or something. Those delicate, petite ankles still captivated me. Her toenails were painted all sorts of colours; she was wearing sandals.

_Give her a compliment._

I hesitated.

"You... you look beautiful." I swallowed and looked down.

"Thank you," she says, smiling broadly as she sways side to side.

"Come'. Mah is sitting in the kitchen. Come say hi to her. She will be delighted to see you."

Simoné went to stand next to her grandmother who sat at the kitchen table. She was peeling potatoes.

The delicious aroma of _biryani_ filled the air.

"Mah? Look who's here?" Simoné takes something out of the refrigerator.

"Praise be to God. Este'huizen! Handsome, handsome, handsome! My goodness! Come here you lovely thing and give your aunty a peck." She looked as if she was near tears. Tears of joy. At the sight of me.

I stepped forward uncomfortably. She gave me a wet kiss on my mouth and held me tightly against her. I could smell she had taken medicine.

"Hello, Mah Jacobs. How are you?" I tried to smile, but I was uncomfortable.

I did not know what to expect.

Simoné may never know.

Maybe she would then never speak to me again.

"What a sight for sore eyes! Huh, Moné? "She glanced at Simoné and immediately back at me.

Simoné smiles shyly and continued with what she was doing.

I could feel my cheeks go warm.

"So gorgeous! Always thought your pale head will become darker, but not. Still as white as when you were a child. "She looked at me still with the happy face.

Made me even more uncomfortable.

Here the people were excited to see me and all I wanted to do is run.

_Relax._

Mah Jacobs rinses the peeled potatoes and throws them into the pot on the stove.

She turns to look at me and smiles again.

Simoné brings me a glass of juice and goes to stand next to her grandmother.

Mah Jacobs takes a bottle of cough syrup from her apron pocket and takes a spoon from the drawer.

"This is how it goes, handsome," she swallowed a spoonful of the syrup and puts the spoon in the sink.

"Just pills, specs and fake hips when you're as old as I am. That's life for you. "She coughs slightly and then comes to stand in front of me. She takes my face in her hands.

"So good to see you, my child. If only I was a bit younger. "She kisses my cheek, then rubs with her finger where she kissed me.

"These red cheeks." She smiles broadly.

The grey rings one could clearly see around the greenish eyes.

"I'll let you kids be. Mah is tired and needs to rest. Moné, please keep an eye on the stove. "

She rubs my cheek one last time and then disappears down the hall.

"Let's go sit in the lounge." Simoné is out of the kitchen, me right behind her.

Could not help but stare at her voluptuous figure. Those calves were sexy; that ample behind.

I could smell trouble.

Big trouble.

Darn.

Why did I come.

**ii**

I was very uncomfortable on the very comfortable sofa.

Moroccan no less.

Simoné tight against me.

Lord, please be with me.

_Sherwynne, I love you._

_Sherwynne, I do._

She smelled lovely.

I got hints of apple.

Squirts of lily.

Lotus.

Sensual.

Feminine.

As she went to and fro across my lap, as she shared pictures of her family, white musk and exotic wood,

Intoxicating.

Glamorous.

Tough.

Just like Simoné.

She must have had it really hard.

I was selfish.

I only thought about myself.

But what about Simoné.

What must it not have done to her.

The day after 22 January 1991, she didn't even come to school.

I shuddered.

She showed me a picture of her father, mother and grandmother; I remember I couldn't swallow.

I saw the image in front of me.

As if I was there.

Back then.

With him.

Anubis.

Blood.

Like a river due to the heavy rain.

All down the drain.

Oh, Lord, please forgive me.

_Forget about that._

_Focus._

"I've got a surprise for you." That smile that hit you for a home run.

"What... surprise?" I didn't like surprises.

_Relax._

"Close your eyes." Simoné's whole body shook with excitement.

I couldn't help but take in those ample beauties that shared in the moment.

That cute mole.

She always said moles represented royalty.

Something about our ancestors, the _Khoi-Khoi._

Those luscious, full lips.

Shimmering with deliciousness.

I never noticed Simoné's eyes were so bright.

Like layers of velvety caramel chocolate.

Against that vanilla complexion.

Simoné always made me feel strange inside.

Now she did more than just that.

Darn!

I don't like surprises!

"Come now. Close those alluring peepers." She winks.

Hesitantly, I did as she asked.

Last I saw were those beautiful white teeth.

Suddenly.

Gently.

She touched my hand.

Sensually stroked her finger all along my palm.

Slowly up my arm.

Till it made all my hair stand on end as she went all the way to my neck.

Soft hands.

Gave me real goose bumps.

But I didn't move.

What was Simoné up to.

_Relax._

How am I supposed to _relax._

Her breasts were almost in my face.

I could smell her breath on me.

Both my ear and neck.

Cranberry juice.

Both her arms were now around my neck.

Then I felt as she stroked my palm one last time.

She closed my hand into a fist.

Kissed it.

Softly.

"You can open those emerald flecked, amber orbs of yours." She said laughingly.

I didn't need another invitation.

I was stressed.

Could she see the sweat.

Darn!

Why did I come here.

I should have stayed home.

Rather with Thurston to _Ratanga Junction_.

Scare myself out of my wits on that _Cobra roller coaster_.

Anywhere but here.

I didn't want Simoné to hate me too.

I already lost too much.

_Forget about her._

I looked for Simoné's beautiful face.

The broad smile immediately made me feel better.

But uncomfortable, I was more than ever.

"Aren't you going to have a look?" Simoné bit her lower lip and gestured to my neck.

I looked down.

However did she manage that.

It was a necklace.

Glass heart on a black string.

Inside the heart, was a four-leaf-clover.

Why would Simoné want me to have this.

"It's for good luck." Soft and velvety.

Husky and naughty.

"Do you still remember it, Sherwynne?" Again Simoné looked desperate.

Did I mention that I don't like surprises.

Here it comes now.

"It's part of the glass ball you made for me. That day you gave Georgie a hiding that he would never forget." She smiles, but then tenses up.

"Do you remember?"

How could she ever think that I would forget.

Simoné's surprise.

Cost me lots of blisters and cuts.

But for my beautiful Simoné, it was all worthwhile.

**iii**

I looked at the glass heart.

It curved slightly.

However did Simoné manage to get it into this ♥ shape.

"I thought Georgie destroyed it all?"

Simoné still seemed tense.

She crossed her arms protectively across her ample chest.

She took me in with those _chocolate drops_ of hers.

Filled with questions.

What was bothering Simoné.

"I had all the pieces. Luckily it was wrapped. In the newspaper?"

She smiled at me.

Definitely a _home run_ this time.

I smiled embarrassed and looked down.

_Sherwynne, I love you._

_Sherwynne, I do._

"I tried everything. _Superglue_. Even tried my home-kit _nail-technician acrylic._ Even if I had a _Harvard degree_ , I couldn't get it back together. That piece was all that made it _through the rain_ of _Georgie's_ _jealousy_ towards you. His _hatred_ for what you are."

She smiles and sighs softly.

As if she is reminiscing.

"Why did you make it for me? I mean the glass ball with all the four-leaf-clovers?"

Those caramel-layered-candy- _irises_ curious.

Now I was really distressed.

That day I was already nervous.

_Very very nervous_.

Now she wanted me to explain.

That is the thing with surprises.

I don't like them at all.

Uhm.

"Uhm." I cleared my throat and looked into Simoné's beautiful windows to the soul.

They were bright.

The pupils large.

Simoné didn't wear any _make-up_.

Her lashes were full and long naturally.

Beautiful, dark _Goldilocks_ - _asters_.

_Uhm._

I swallowed nervously and began.

_That's em!_

"I wanted to give it to you for Valentine's day."

I looked quick in Simoné's direction.

She appeared less tensed and more excited like before.

_Relax._

"I wanted to ask you to be my Valentine."

Broad show of enamel.

"Even if you already had André _Valentine_." I smiled too.

_Uhm._

She hits me with a hard fist against the shoulder but she smiles.

"I couldn't wait till Valentine's day, that's why I wanted to give it to you that January."

_Easy peasy._

_Sherwynne, I love you._

_Sherwynne, I do._

I looked shyly at Simoné.

"André and I were just friends. The _meth_ got to him."

Simoné looked sad.

"I see him now and again. Looks worse than a _scarecrow_."

She was worried about him.

"Let's not spoil our fun. Forget about André."

Suddenly she tenses up again.

I should make my _move_ now or all will be _lost_.

I was however much more nervous than before.

My shirt was slightly wet and _clung_ to my back.

Before she could start talking, I excused myself and slipped into the restroom.

**Driving Miss Daisy are we.**

**How much more of this.**

I locked the door.

**I told you.**

**You don't want to listen.**

**All the secrets will come to surface.**

I looked at myself in the mirror.

_Handsome, devil._

_Oh, yeah._

_Sherwynne, I love you._

_Sherwynne, I do._

**Are you seriously going ahead with this.**

**If she finds out, you're minced meat.**

**Goodbye, Simoné.**

**Are you prepared to risk it.**

_Try._

I splash some water on my face.

Dry it off.

Took a last glance into the mirror.

_Handsome, devil._

_Yeah, right._

_Get a clue._

_She's going to say no._

_Try._

I walked out of the restroom.

**Break a leg.**

I walked nervously back to the lounge.

Simoné got us some snacks.

Mah Jacob's special batch of _Little-Mi_ cookies.

They helped me to relax.

Simoné was once again tight against me.

"Sherwynne, there's something I need to..."

"There's something I want to ask you." I interrupted her rustling velvet notes.

I looked into those captivating, dark, bright layers that just drew me in.

Mesmerizing.

"I.. I was...wondering if you will go...with me...to Newlands this weekend. The Bulls are playing the Stormers?"

I looked awkwardly down.

"Great!"

She almost deafened me.

"I got a tight _Stormers jersey_ for my birthday and I have been waiting to show it off."

Umf.

Simoné.

"I do not support losers. Since Chester left, they're worthless."

I ducked quick.

Simoné was full of surprises.

"You lot are the losers!" Eyes squinched.

Best not to try and convince her any further.

I have always been a Blue Bulls supporter.

Just like Daddy.

We always watched the rugby together.

Daddy's favourite player was most definitely _Frik Du Preez_.

But he also liked _Naas Botha_.

Daddy's _Golden Boy_.

Daddy always said he worked miracles with that _boot_ of his.

The last game Daddy and I watched together was the _Currie Cup final_ in 1987.

That year, Daddy's _Golden Boy_ was responsible for all the points on the scoreboard.

Daddy celebrated _festively_.

He was going to see the team play _live_ for the first time on Newlands in 1989.

But, sadly, he never made it.

Umf.

Ha-ha-ha.

Wonder what Daddy would say about the guys all in pink.

Uhm.

I'm sure Daddy would have been proud.

He was always a man that supported a _good cause_.

I looked at Simoné relieved.

Happy that she said yes.

_You'll never know, if you don't give it a try._

"Thank you, Sherwynne. I am sure I will enjoy it thoroughly. All those huge men in their tight tops. Those yummy muscles. Mmmmmmmm."

I might as well not have been here.

It was like I didn't exist.

Women.

Umf.

"How are we going to get there? With your bike?" She was excited.

Only Nia has ever driven on my motor-bike with me before.

There she was.

In my head again.

Just as I thought I had forgotten her.

"Please?" That familiar sad puppy face.

"I promise that I will wear my helmet. I have always wanted to ride on a bike."

Luscious lips.

Pouted.

Eyes fluttering.

How could I say no.

**iv**

That night I had another dream.

Always the same nowadays.

_Anubis._

The gunshot.

Just blood.

Then I wake up.

They were not the same as back then.

I didn't dream of Nia anymore.

Only him.

Last time I dreamt about Nia was in 2010.

We were back in the tiny cabin.

In the room with the chest.

Just as I was about to take out the cell phone, Nia stopped me.

She said...

_No, Sherwin. I do not want to climb into the box anymore._

She then told me to take everything back.

She however wanted to hold onto the box until she was ready to let it go.

Then I was back in _Protected-Dreams-Forest_.

The last thing I saw before I passed out, was the blue wolf.

It jumped over me just as I went down.

It ran in Nia's direction.

When I came to, Nia was gone.

Then I woke up.

Soaked in sweat.

My chest on fire.

Worst was the pounding headache.

At least I didn't wake Mommy.

Later that day, I received a call.

It was Nia.

I couldn't believe it.

I thought that I would never hear from her again.

She was short and to the point.

Minus the sweet.

She wanted me to know about a dream she had the night before.

She was in this dark place and there were.

_Things._

She was scared.

It was as if she was in hell with no hope.

Then a huge blue wolf came and scared all the scary, creepy things away.

The blue wolf frightened her as well.

It came to stand right in front of her and looked her straight in thé eyes.

It then went closer and caressed its body against hers.

She then understood.

The wolf was here to rescue her.

More however, was the feeling of love she felt that radiated from the blue wolf.

The wolf loved her.

As if it only loved her.

She felt the same towards it.

Nia said that she didn't want to wake from the dream because she had never felt so safe, so loved in her entire life.

Then she woke up and thought of me.

Then she hung up.

Could it be.

Was it really Nia in my dreams?

**v**

Saturday, 31 March 2012.

18:30

Simoné held me tightly.

Her ample bosom pressed hard into me.

I wonder if Simoné knew what that did to me.

I had to focus, with effort, on the road.

She caressed my chest.

Sometimes she would stick her hand up my shirt.

Tenderly caressing my pigeon chest.

_Iron._

_Uhm uhm uhm._

_You're on fi-ya._

I had to swerve and balance us quick.

Simoné had me totally distracted.

I enjoyed it though.

Those soft hands.

Pressed against my skin.

Sometimes she would press her palms hard to my heart.

She would then caress herself more into me.

I could feel her heart raising.

Just as mine was throbbing as we sped along.

It felt as if a deep desire simmered in Simoné.

It was rapidly starting to boil over.

She kissed me in my neck.

Those soft lips.

Tender.

Ticklish.

I was glad when we stopped.

We might have caused an accident.

Simoné didn't want to let me go.

Just squeezed tighter as I parked.

Then she sighed deeply and let me go.

Got off the bike and took off her helmet.

That _Stormers jersey_ of hers showed off _other_ things.

S-T-O-R-M-E-R-S right up your face.

I thought to give Simoné my _Ferrari jacket._

Just now those assets causes trouble.

No one would miss this beauty.

Those legs.

Especially not with that figure... uhm... hugging hot-pants.

Shu!

The Lord makes beautiful things.

Even with the pink wig, she still looked ravishing.

She embraced me.

Held me tightly.

I held her back.

I couldn't be any happier.

I thought I would never know happiness again, but I was terrible wrong.

I still had my beautiful, Simoné.

"You promised not to take off your helmet." I pretended to be serious.

"I almost caused an accident when you moved my helmet and ... I couldn't see a thing." I was sure my cheeks were flushed red.

She just took my hand and we started walking towards the stadium.

The energy was surreal.

I have never been to Newlands and have never seen any of the teams play live.

I could see that I was going to enjoy it.

Lots of _Blue Bulls supporters_ here on thé enemies turf.

All dressed in pink and some with pink wigs.

Some looked like clowns and such behaved as _clowns_ too.

Tipsy.

Ha-ha-ha.

Simoné held me tightly as we went underneath the railway tracks, down the short passage, up the stairs again.

For a moment, I could swear I heard Simoné _say something good to me_ and then sighed.

We had to walk a bit to get to the entrance.

Was Simoné ever an attention grabber.

Made me uncomfortable.

_Relax._

_Goodness._

The dude from _Thunda.com_ almost knocked me over.

Only wanted to take pictures of Simoné.

He seemed to drool too.

Simoné just smiled away.

**Told you.**

**You're a fool.**

**She'll never go for you.**

Then Simoné was back against me.

We went to the entrance.

They sent us away.

Ha-ha-ha.

Umf.

Apparently the entrance to the cheap seats were still further away.

"Sorry. It was all I could afford. My funds were still... _held up_." I smiled apologetically.

"The cheap seats are the best!" Simoné gave me a light peck on the cheek.

As we finally got to where we were supposed to... stand... Simoné excused herself quick.

I went further down the stairs.

Seems the whole of Cape Town loved the cheap seats.

Just _Stormers supporters_ everywhere you looked.

I wondered if I would dare scream _Go Bulls Go_ with the enemy this close.

One knocked me right in the eye with the corner of his poster.

One could barely stand.

I was sure he now had other things on his mind, rather than rugby.

I got a come hither look from many of the older ladies.

Naughty naughty naughty.

I smiled awkwardly.

I looked at the huge field.

I was sure Daddy would have loved to have been here.

To see his team play in pink.

That 1989 Currie Cup final was a draw.

Last minute try.

I remember that year very well.

How could I ever forget the year I lost my father.

Just as _South-West-Africa_ was becoming independent and The _United Nations_ started passing _Resolution 435_ , Daddy died and we went to _seek refuge_ with Aunty Anne in Cape Town.

I shook off the thought and focussed on Simoné as she came down the stairs.

**Uhm uhm uhm.**

**You think you'll ever tap that.**

**Drool all you will.**

**You forget.**

**You haven't told her your secret.**

**You're on fi-ya.**

**Only one direction for you.**

**Uhm.**

**vi**

After the game, I took Simoné up the mountain.

_Signal hill._

We sat through the sunroof of Thurston's SUV.

Simoné gave me an earful about how bad we lost.

Umf.

It was a great experience though.

Those _cheer-leaders_ with they're skimpy dresses and tight buns can say what they want.

Everyoné in the cheap seats' eyes were on Simoné.

Their girlfriends gave them _I will hunt you down_ looks.

Others gave her the jealous stare of death.

That try by _Tiaan_ Liebenberg was wicked awesome.

Right in front of us.

The cheap seats had their advantages.

Uhm.

Simoné was tight against me.

I couldn't help but tremble as she breathed ever heavier and started intertwining her body with mine.

I was now only focused on her breathing.

Deep.

Like a hunger crept at the bottom.

The wind caressed us both.

Cooling the ever burning energy between us.

I wanted to pull away from Simoné.

I couldn't let her find out.

Therefore, I couldn't do this with her.

That would be wrong.

But I _threw caution to the wind._

And melted with her.

All ice melts when the fire is as hot as this.

I tasted Simoné.

She tasted sweet.

We both gasped deep.

I wondered if she tasted.

_My sadness._

Sadness that in this moment seemed to be some stupid thing you got hung up on.

It mattered nothing at all.

I was free of any guilt, that I was betraying _you know who_.

I just let it all aside.

Our lips intertwined.

Gasps for air.

That suck the life out of me tenderness.

I was happy.

Here with Simoné and the city lights below us.

It was _bliss_.

Solace.

_End of Chapter 9._

_I hope the whisperer only whispers truth and beautiful things to you. InshaAllah. Your friend. Salaam, Khaleel. Thank you for reading. May the Lord bless you abundantly. :)_

_Holy Qur'an Surah 103. Al-Asr_

_1. By the declining day,_  
_2. Lo! man is in a state of loss,_  
_3. Save those who believe and do good works, and exhort one another to truth and exhort one another to endurance._

_Almighty Allah said: And Allah has already made you victorious at Badr, when you were a weak little force. So fear Allah much (abstain from all kinds of sins and evil deeds which He has forbidden and love Allah much, perform all kinds of good deeds which He has ordained) that you may be grateful. (Remember) when you (Muhammad) said to the believers, "is it not enough for you that your Lord (Allah) should help you with three thousand angels; sent down? Yes, if you hold on to patience and piety, and the enemy comes rushing at you; your Lord will help you with five thousand angels having marks of distinction. Allah made it not but as a message of good news for you and as an assurance to your hearts. And there is no victory except from Allah the All Mighty, the All Wise. That He might cut off a part of those who disbelieve, or expose them to infamy, so that they retire frustrated." (Ch 3:123-127 Quran)_

For Mariah Carey Cannon

When you grip the hand of the Lord, it is a firm grip.

And rest, assured, the Lord hears and sees everything.

Salaam. Khaleel

Home

"I must open my heart. So that you can see.

Just my gratitude for you.

Please.

Tell me.

What is your name?

Please.

I must know your name."

i

2010

I can't believe it.

He found a way to get in.

Her knight in shining armour.

Roach in a jelly tin.

Nia must be doing it.

This was hers.

After all.

She the Queen.

He her Prince Charming.

Umf.

Uhm.

Nia was always a stubborn one.

Could never listen.

I told her to only listen to me.

But the rat made her go weak at the knees.

Jealous.

I'll ring his neck.

Kill him.

I stopped to catch my breath and looked back.

I could hardly believe that we made it out of there.

I had never seen things like that before.

It was all God's mercy.

All praise be to God.

The fire in my chest was like an inferno.

I found it difficult to breath.

The pounding in my head was louder than ever.

Like I was rather hearing it as the sound coming to my ears and the voice of Utopia was simply a hum in the background.

My vision was blurred occasionally.

Why was he taking her towards the fire.

Surely he can't be that thick?

Maybe it's not him.

What do you mean?

Think.

It can't be.

No.

Him.

No, Lord, please.

Let it not be him.

I started moving again.

They were off in the distance.

Just about to go beyond the edge.

I hoped that I would be in time.

The fire must be an ever waiting abyss.

I dreaded the thought.

My head gave a hard thump.

Uhm.

"Uhm."

The tin sure looked uncomfortable on the roach.

The jagged edges looked to almost cut at his neck.

He walked awkwardly too.

Umf.

Ha-ha-ha.

Real clown.

Nia was of course not seeing any of this.

I'm sure he appeared to her as the Prince she thinks he is.

Mr Giel Basson.

I remember that night when he disappeared with her to the beach.

Apparently got lost.

Should have known by the silly look on her face when they finally got home.

Uhm.

Lord, forgive me.

Daisy Valley was ablaze.

It was in sync with the fire ever blazing in my heart.

Dear Lord.

Will it ever stop.

I dreaded to move closer.

The screams were horrifying.

I hoped Nia would remember to wear her earmuffs.

I told her while we were sitting under the pomegranate trees.

She looked at me strangely then.

She sort off squinched her eyes.

Those doe eyes.

Shy flowers.

I asked her what was wrong.

I started taking out her pills.

A critter came closer to us.

Barely higher than the grass.

It was carrying a glass of water.

The glass sure looked heavy for a thing so small.

But as it approached Nia, you could see it.

The broad smile on its face.

The two eyes were almost most of the head.

Three purple twirly things looked like the last few strands of hair on its head.

The mouth was small, but the smile appeared to make the rest of its face seem small.

It was like the smile drew you in.

Nia was absolutely silent.

She smiled in return.

Suddenly tears just started flowing from her eyes.

She took the glass of water quick and put it to her right.

She then immediately puts her hand down.

Gesturing for the tiny critter to step on.

She wanted to lift him up.

Nia didn't bother to wipe the tears from her eyes.

She just kept staring in wonder.

I also felt what Nia was feeling.

A sense of belonging.

That face was one of familiarity.

The smile that of welcome home.

Long lost friend.

I am so pleased to see you.

The critter bows.

Its legs seemed to disappear beneath its body.

It was strange.

As if it had no legs to begin with.

"My Fair Lady."

This voice was gentle.

The voice had a slight ring to it that sounded like Christmas bells.

"Welcome back, My Fair Lady. The grass-babies sure brought music to my ears when they told me you were here. I had to get to you. I'm your willing slave."

The critter got onto Nia's hand and she lifted him slowly closer to her head.

She stopped crying.

Those doe eyes sparkling.

It never looked Nia directly in the eyes.

Sort of hunched in a bow.

The three purple strands intertwined.

Like a single corn-roll.

Nia looked at me.

"Can it understand me?"

Doe eyes imploring.

"Why don't you ask it?"

I was curious too.

Umf.

Utopia was full of surprises.

Uhm.

"Hello," Nia whispers softly.

"My Fair Lady," it now sits on its behind. The corn-roll rolls into a turban around its head. It looked up slowly. Its eyes much smaller. But as it observes Nia's approving show of her beautiful, white teeth, the eyes open large again.

It draws Nia in.

You could see she was fighting to hold back the tears.

A few times she breathed deeply.

Then asks.

"What are you?" Nia gushed the you.

The critter smiles broadly, then stood up.

Nia sat back a bit.

Not that she was startled.

Almost like she was giving the critter some space.

It bowed.

Then undid its turban and the corn-roll.

The purple strands started forming a triangle shape that started to glow.

I light purple.

Then it started to pulse.

Nia gasped and put her hand to her mouth.

The critter's body was now translucent.

You could only see its outline that had a purple glow too.

Then the pink ♥

It was the most curious thing.

The ♥ was located in its tiny belly.

Nia looked at it closer.

Those doe eyes.

Wide open.

Dumb-struck by what she was seeing.

The critter then said.

"God speed, Fair Lady. I remain your willing slave." It bows. It was clearly visible to us, but you could see right through it to the river's edge.

The triangle now glowed yellow, till it was a bright white.

Nia shaded her eyes.

But not much.

She seemed as if she didn't want to miss a second of what was happening.

Those doe eyes.

Never blinking.

The ♥ then disappears and the pink starts filling the translucent body.

When the pink reached the bright white light.

An explosion.

Nia gasped in wonder.

Hundreds of butterflies started flying from her hand.

Nia stood up and started dancing among them as they circled her for a while then starts flying towards the castle.

A small pea-cock kind flutters slowly towards Nia.

It stared her in the face with its small face.

The eyes on its wings also seemed to be able to see.

It then burps and a bubble pops in Nia's face.

It was a pink jelly tot.

Her favourite.

The butterfly then flutters slowly towards the castle too.

Nia stares at it as it disappears in The Bright.

Her doe eyes seemed to be filled with joyous joy.

She then falls down onto the grass and starts laughing hysterically.

I wondered what was so funny.

I started laughing too.

Soon we were rolling through the grass all the way to the river edge.

Nia stopped laughing and smilingly put her feet in the water.

Immediately a sense of calm seems to come over her.

She kicked her feet wildly.

Water splattering all over the place.

She then seemed to relax and just drift off into her own little fantasy world.

It was the effect of the water.

I guessed.

Nia then turns and looks at me.

"Do you remember the Halloween party we had in the tiny cabin?"

Nia looked hopingly.

Immediately.

I nodded.

Yes.

"You were dressed like a mermaid." I smiled as I remembered those sea-shells just barely covering Nia's big bosom.

I smiled.

Then laughed.

She always imagined she was Ariel.

Ha-ha-ha.

Then she looked at me and said.

"It feels like I am able to slip into the water.

I can't explain it.

But whenever I put my feet in the water.

It's like my essence or something seems to slip... into... the water.

I just saw a fish sort of give me a wink.

I wanted to catch it, but it swam away.

I could see the bubbles as it sped away."

Nia looked at me strangely.

She squinched her eyes.

"Sher, you sure are bright."

She opens her eyes more.

Doe eyes exploring.

My face.

My eyes.

She sort of gasp-ed.

Then looked away.

"You sure I can't stay here?"

Those doe eyes focus on me.

"We, I mean."

That's the last I remembered as I drew closer to Daisy Valley's edge.

I could hear the screams through the doof-doof pounding in my head.

I hoped Nia was wearing her earmuffs.

I could see the roach hovering next to her.

Jagged edged jelly tin.

I hate him.

ii

2013

I was busy in the backyard.

Just finished cutting the grass.

I enjoyed fooling around with the weed-eater.

Umf.

Uhm.

I started planting some herbs and plants in the backyard.

That was back in 2009.

It helped to stay busy.

Mostly mint.

The rest was.

Yes.

Bugleweed and vygies.

I planted them to remind me of Nia.

No matter how much I tried, I could never hate her.

I only wanted good things for her.

I hoped that she would be filled with life, just as these plants.

I wanted to plant some vegetables in the corner.

That's where Anubis used to bury his bones.

He would always dig them up and have a munch on them, then bury them again.

As I shoved the shovel, hard into the soil.

I hit something.

Couldn't be a rock.

It was sort of soft.

It seemed to curve around the shovel's blade.

I dug it out.

I saw a string hang from a lump of soil.

I shook it off.

And by goodness.

Darn that Anubis.

One hell of a dog.

He took it.

Uhm.

Umf.

Ha-ha-ha.

It was the leather pouch.

All these years.

Right in our backyard.

However did Anubis manage to get it?

I started undoing the string and struggled to get the second one out.

The pouch was worn and had shrunk a bit.

But it remained in one piece.

Finally I got the smaller pouch out.

I was excited.

Now probably more than back then.

Then I was naive and stupid.

Curious.

Young.

All normal.

Now that I knew all the harm it caused.

All the hurt.

Especially the hurt it caused her.

I wanted to know why.

What was in it?

What made them do what they did?

I rushed into the kitchen to get a knife.

Just as I was about to start cutting the string.

I stopped.

Why was I doing this.

Whatever is in here is of no good.

It only caused suffering.

I must get rid of it.

That would be the best.

Or better yet.

I should return it to its rightful owner.

Yes.

Uhm.

Scarface.

Uhm.

Sherwynne, I love you.

Sherwynne, I do.

iii

2010

I took off my shirt.

The sweat was pouring down my face.

Like a running hot tap.

All the way down my chest and back.

I didn't bother to wipe it from my face.

I was glad that I was wearing short pants.

I dropped the parcel I got ready for Nia.

The shirt too.

Nia and the roach had reached the top of the hill and were about to start descending towards the edge.

Were they really that unaware of what was happening around them.

That oblivious to the incessant screams and the scorching heat.

I didn't envy the roach.

That tin must be getting excruciatingly hot.

Umf.

Serves him good.

Nia was tippy-toeing.

I could see her clearly.

But if she was tippy-toeing, that means she must be okay.

Can it be.

Are they really not aware of this at all.

Perhaps the roach was not cooking after-all.

But how.

The flames were everywhere you looked.

Daisy Valley was no more.

One would never say that daises grew here at all.

All you heard were the screams.

Terrifying.

Saddening.

Heartbreak (ache) -ing.

I preferred the doof-doof to that awful sound.

But the doof-doof had a more physical effect.

It pounded hard.

Right behind my eye.

Almost.

Yes.

Like something was chipping away at part of my brain.

I was now almost permanently seeing double.

I would have to move quicker.

Blind I'll be useless.

Passed out.

Nia would die for sure.

Lord, please protect her.

I started running faster as Nia and the roach disappeared behind the hill.

That led to the edge.

Nia's peak.

It was a very high peak.

The river flowed that way.

The waterfall led to part of Lake Tranquillity.

But the river was dry.

There has been no water behind the hill for a while now.

Since.

Yes.

I ran faster.

The burning in my chest was now focused in one spot.

Right at the centre.

It was like it was being attracted towards the fire.

I stood at the top of the hill.

Shuddered in horror.

The flames sometimes came all the way to the edge.

Not often.

But you could see that it did.

The heat was hard to miss as it just went from the edge up into the sky.

As hard as I tried, I was pulled ever closer to the fire.

Like a pin that's in the vicinity of a big magnet.

I had no control.

I wonder how Nia and the roach could stand to walk in this heat.

The entire river bed was baked dry clay.

Like a clay pot.

Not like the usual dry river beds that cracked and crumbled under your feet after the Summer rains.

Barefoot, one would most certainly never make it.

How was it that Nia couldn't feel the heat?

She was just wearing her unmatched socks.

My skin was sun-burnt.

Tender.

I could see the fire ravaging up the hill now.

The fire was approaching from all sides.

Even from the sky.

It was consuming Utopia whole.

Like it wanted to destroy it completely.

I understood.

This cannot be.

Remain.

I was now only feet away from them.

When almost against them.

The magnetic force, pulling the fire in my heart towards the edge, stopped.

Nia was staring into the abyss of fire.

I shuddered as I saw it too.

The huge Lake of Fire.

How could they just stand there and endure the heat.

What was going on?

Only the roach noticed me.

He turned around.

And.

How.

This can't be possible.

It was like looking into a mirror.

He.

The roach.

Rat.

He looked exactly like me.

It was me.

He smiled.

Satisfied.

Then he grinned and sort of snarled.

He hit Nia hard against the back.

She slipped off the edge.

iv

He disappeared right in front of my eyes.

I leaped forward.

I almost went over the edge as well.

I grabbed Nia by her right leg.

She screamed out in pain.

I was not sure whether it was due to the heat.

Or if it was due to her weakened left calf.

She knocked her head hard against the side of the peak.

I slipped closer to the edge.

But I managed to get a grip and held on tighter to Nia.

She was still conscious.

"I won't let go, Nia!"

I screamed.

It was worthless.

The heat carried the sound away into the air.

I could smell my hair scorching.

My skin sort of like it was turning hard and dry.

The pounding in my head didn't help much.

Nor did the inferno that seemed to want to merge with the flames in the lake.

Nia tried to lift herself up.

She was good at doing stuff like that.

Hanging from tree branches and pulling herself up.

She managed to twist her body.

She was now scratching her way along the peak.

How she managed to twist her back like that amazed me.

I focused quick.

I would have to let go of her leg and grab her hand.

It was the only way.

If I let go of the edge with my other hand.

We would both be swallowed by the fire.

I screamed the plan of action to Nia.

Hoping that she would hear and do as I asked.

My grip was starting to loosen.

We didn't have much time.

I could feel the unsteady, shaky feeling start to begin again.

I would pass out soon.

Lord, please help her.

I cannot.

Only you can.

Amen.

I let go and Nia sort of scratched up the wall harder.

She managed to kick against the side and reached hard with her right hand.

I gripped it.

She pulled me half over the edge.

Then she started pulling herself up.

I slipped over more.

She was now able to almost grab the edge.

She pulled herself up hard.

Managed to secure her grip.

Last I saw of Nia was as her pretty head disappeared over the edge as she pulled herself onto the edge.

My grip on the side came loose.

I slipped.

Just as I passed out.

The red hot flames were the last thing I saw.

Oh, Lord.

Please forgive me.

v

"Please.

Tell me.

What is your name?"

The boy looked to be around my age.

He was dressed all in white.

I saw him dive into the fire just as Nia disappeared onto the edge.

I was surrounded by the flames.

The fire in my heart and the fire of the lake were now one.

My hair was completely gone.

I felt the fire eat my skin.

A ferocious hunger.

It just wanted to consume.

A hunger that could never be stilled.

A dry thirst that could never be quenched.

Just as my skin seemed to be burned off completely.

I saw it regrow.

It then burned again.

The bite was sharp.

The chew merciless.

I could see the flames come at my eyes.

The flames went down my throat like hot water.

I screamed.

But it was like nothing came from my breath.

I could feel the fire secure me in place.

Here there was absolutely no hope.

I deserved it.

I did.

I loved her more than Him.

Uhm.

Therefore I deserved to be punished.

I gave it to her.

And that was wrong.

None above Him.

That is His most absolute law.

I broke it.

Even after He granted us all this.

All the things in the heavens and earth praise His name.

Even in dreams.

He allowed them to praise her in Utopia.

But that was wrecked when I forgot to give it to Him.

Uhm.

Lord, have mercy on me.

I felt the surreal calm as the boy grabbed my hand.

A sense of calm and peace came over me.

He smiled broadly at the sight of me.

Like he knew me.

Well.

Very well.

I felt suddenly safe as he pulled me closer to him and started pulling me up.

Up out of the fire.

I couldn't feel any pain.

Nor could I feel the heat.

The pounding in my head subsided.

The fire in my chest was dead.

I only felt peace.

As he pulled me onto the edge.

I looked in his direction.

He kept smiling.

His face happy.

I felt happy too.

The tears started flowing freely from my eyes.

It was him.

Something about him stirred my heart.

The tears were coming from there.

Like a peaceful spring just started gushing forth water in the middle of a hot desert.

Calm.

Peaceful.

Surreal.

"What is your name?"

I asked.

"Please tell me your name."

I almost begged.

"Please.

I must know your name."

The boy just smiled.

Like he was speaking to my being.

I can't explain it.

But I understood.

Without any doubt.

This boy.

He was my best friend.

My greatest friend.

The only friend.

It was God.

"Allah is the Comforter (doer or giver of Walayah) of those who are dynamically faithful (receivers and responders of walayah - believers); He extracts them from all manner of darkness into light...." (2:257)

vi

2013

I walked to the train station relaxed.

For the first time since I returned to Cape Town, I was at ease.

Umf.

You forget.

*Whispers*

You better go.

I took a train to Woodstock.

Got hesitantly off.

The platform was nearly empty.

I looked around.

Then marched on.

The streets were busy as usual.

Taxi forcing a bus to overtake.

Nearly hits an elderly woman that seemed oblivious to it all.

"Just a rand, please uncle."

The boy looks barely in his teens.

Black-eyed and busted lip.

I gestured that I had nothing and walked on.

"Don't you want to do some business, handsome."

Shouts a hooker from across the street.

She lifts her shirt.

Then flashes her offerings.

Umf.

Ha-ha-ha.

Some people.

I was suddenly nervous as I approached.

The street where it all happened.

There where they did it.

There where I did it.

Anubis.

Yes.

Gympie street.

I walked slowly over to the open ground next to the block of coloured houses.

I looked at the ones opposite the street.

I couldn't be sure where he lived.

Can't just go and knock and ask for the man with the cut over his face.

You'd better leave.

Here you'll get killed.

You forget.

Go.

Leave.

Now!

I started walking further up the street.

Hesitantly.

More towards Hofmeyr lane.

I stopped and turned around.

Best to leave.

Here I wasn't safe.

What was I thinking coming here.

It was so long again.

They have probably all forgotten.

Perhaps it was just me that was obsessed with it.

Haunted by it.

Out of guilt.

Just go.

Leave this place.

I wanted to start walking back.

I paused.

I took the leather pouch from my pants pocket.

Why did I have to take this stupid thing.

It was because of him.

I remember that clearly.

He forced me to take it.

I shuddered as I remembered his eyes right in front of mine.

The one that protruded like a grape seemed to want to lick my eye ball.

It grossed me out.

I could see my scared face reflected in the darker, black pearl.

That freaked me out.

As I saw my eyes reflecting in horror.

It was like his voice was inside my head.

He was whistling a creepy tune.

Then he said if I don't take it.

He'll stay with me like this forever.

That was enough to make me do as he asked.

But he lied.

He remained with me none the less.

Perhaps because I lost it.

I could never be sure.

Perhaps he was here for a completely different reason.

I have often thought about it.

When he seemed to pop up.

It was always.

Yes.

Uhm.

When I missed Nia, he was always there reminding me of her.

Making me feel sad.

Wanting me to hate everyone and everything.

Especially God.

When it came to the pouch, he always reminded me of what I had done.

Reminded me of the hurt I caused.

What a horrible person I was.

One that deserved not to be loved.

He used my guilt against me.

I realised if I were to be rid of him, I would have to do this.

Yes.

Uhm.

I turned around.

My heart pounded immediately hard in my chest.

I swallowed hard.

Could he see the shock in my face.

How long has he been standing there.

Watching me.

I nearly had a heart attack.

Uhm.

It was Georgie.

vii

"Come, Nia. This way."

I grabbed Nia's hand and ran back towards the small incline.

The fire had not reached the top yet.

I could clearly see the heat though.

This time Nia seemed to be aware of it too.

She held tighter to my hand.

"Sherwin," she tries to catch her breath, "what just happened?"

Nia seemed totally confused.

She tried her best to keep up.

She didn't stop talking though.

We reached the top.

"Why is everything..."

The sight of the fire stopped Nia.

The white-orange-red flames.

They were gigantic.

Consuming everything that was in its path.

One could not say from which direction it came.

Only that it was destroying everything.

It had now reached Protected-Dreams-Forest.

Till it will finally reach the castle.

In the distance across the water, you could see the tiny cabin.

It was the only way out.

Nia still looked at the fire astonished.

"Is that where the daisies used to be?"

Nia seems almost sad.

She puts her hand to her mouth.

How is it that she can't remember.

We were in the castle not moments ago.

How can she forget.

That thing.

"Yes," I answered and stood closer to Nia.

Those doe eyes.

Filled with the reflection of the fire.

She looks at me.

Then stands closer.

I wanted to stop her, but before I could.

She removes her earmuffs.

She hears it too.

Nia! Niiiiiiiiaaaaaaa! Nia! Nia! Niaaaaaaaaaaa! Nia!

Nia! Niaaaaaa! Nia! Nia! Nia! Nia! Nia! Nia! Nia!

Nia! Nia!

Niaaaaaaaaaa! Niiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiaaaaaaaaaaa!Niaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

Nia! Nia! Nia! Nia! Nia! Niaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! Nia! Nia! Nia! Nia! Nia! Nia! Nia! Nia! Nia! Nia! Nia! Nia! Nia! Nia! Niiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! Nia!Nia! Nia! Nia! Nia!

Nia! Nia! Nia! Nia! Niaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! Nia! Nia! Nia! Nia! Nia! Nia! Nia! Nia! Nia! Nia! Nia! Nia! Nia! Nia!Nia! Nia! Nia! Nia!

Nia! Nia! Nia! Nia! Nia! Nia! Nia! Nia! Nia! Nia! Nia! Nia! Nia! Nia! Nia! Nia! Nia! Nia! Niaaaaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiiaaaaaaaaaaaaa!Nia! Nia! Nia! Nia!

Niaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

I quickly put the earmuffs over Nia's ears.

She stood into me.

Nestled her head tight against my chest.

Her arms covering her bosom.

I put my arms around her.

"I'm sorry you had to hear that."

The doof-doof subsided slightly.

Nia's tears were streaking down my chest.

I could feel her body tremble.

I held her tighter.

She slowly lifted her head.

Looked me in the eyes.

Doe eyes bewildered.

Scared.

I have never seen them so afraid.

"Don't worry, Nia."

We didn't have to fear.

I knew this with certainty.

We were going to make it.

Only thing was to keep moving.

Nia wipes the tears from her face and wipes her nose with her sleeve.

She then says.

"I'm sorry, Sher." She sniffles. "I should have listened to you."

She looks at the fire.

Then back at me.

Those doe eyes.

Confusing.

I was not sure what Nia was experiencing.

"I should never have held onto the thing.

This is all my fault."

I gestured no with my hand.

"No it's not."

I shook my head.

"This is just the way it's supposed to be."

I pointed to the tiny cabin.

"Look."

She turns and looks in the direction I was pointing.

She seems to recognise it, but then looks further up.

Who's house is that?" she asks surprised and points to something up the hill.

Towards the back of the cabin.

I didn't see a thing.

Only hints of fires that had broken out sporadically along the hill.

"I'm sure of it," Nia says.

Her doe eyes stare out in wonder.

"It looks like a camp fire burning in front of it."

Nia turns to me and seems to be annoyed.

"You sure you can't see it."

"It must be the heat. It plays tricks on you."

I looked the hill up and down one last time.

There was nothing there.

Nia must be imagining things.

Or it was something Utopia was only showing to her.

That was always a possibility.

Utopia was here for her.

Me only a part of what was allowed to be here with her.

I realised that after the first few times I dreamt I was here.

Moments we shared in real life would somehow end up playing out here.

Or there would just be moments where we would explore.

There was so much here that was strange.

Nia didn't seem to be surprised any more.

She enjoyed it.

She just went with it all.

She understood that it was for her.

That it would answer to her every call.

She slowly turns to me again.

Immediately her gaze falls to my chest.

Again her eyes go small.

She steps closer to me and opens her eyes more.

She slowly puts her right index finger to my chest.

Then the rest.

She strokes it gently.

Tracing the lines that had formed all across my chest.

She presses her palm flat.

Right there where all the lines met.

She seems confused.

Somehow she seems excited too.
She bites her bottom lip hard.

Closes those doe eyes.

Then looks up at me.

"Sher, what are these?"

I wanted to answer.

But before I could.

The sudden sharp doof-doof in my head made me go mute.

We would have to move.

I took Nia's hand in mine.

"It's nothing, Nia.

Just some arteries and veins.

Come."

I said under my breath.

That was a lie.

I hoped she would let it be.

I led Nia to the spot where we met the socks.

They were all gone.

Probably cowering in a corner somewhere.

Mending their hurt feelings.

Umf.

Uhm.

I took Nia behind the giant ferns.

She walked slowly closer.

Rubbing her fingers through them.

They all looked like the streaks of the electric Christmas tree she brought to the tiny cabin.

She loved Christmas time.

She said everyday should be Christmas and she made sure to celebrate festively whenever she could.

My Nia.

Sweetpea.

Wonder if she'd kiss me.

You know.

Under the mistletoe.

If we should ever be in that same spot.

I have often wondered what it would be like to taste those lips.

I hoped that I would.

That I could.

But I was sadly.

Wrong.

They were only for the roach.

I can't believe he led her to the fire.

Something came to my mind.

I was forgetting something.

I forgot it then completely.

All blank.

I moved closer to Nia as she strokes her fingers through the bright leaves.

Luminous streaks.

A white luminosity was to the ferns.

Though they were clearly a lavender.

Mixed with a pink and green in-between.

Nia's white hair was shining bright.

I stepped up behind her.

She turned around and looked at me.

She seemed different.

More like she was in the castle.

Almost like she was.

Never mind.

Umf.

I took her hand and led her further through this part of Utopia.

It also led to Lake Tranquillity.

But you had to use the shoot.

Umf.

Uhm.

The shoot could be great fun.

Normally is.

But with the fire blazing from nowhere.

Everywhere.

At any time.

I was sceptical.

I was sure we would make it.

But I was sceptical.

Uhm.

Umf.

Ever a doubter.

viii

We stood at the edge of The Shoot.

It was a black, liquidy spiral thing.

The spiral thingy Nia always called it.

It took you straight to Lake Tranquillity's edge.

But not before.

Uhm.

"Remember to breath," I said as I wiped a dry leaf from Nia's cheek.

She didn't seem tired at all.

I found that really strange.

Not once had she taken her pills.

I took my spot next to her.

She smiled at me expectantly.

Like she had never done this before.

Doe eyes not sure what she was getting herself into.

She made a cross.

Across her chest.

Then kissed her fingers.

She gripped my hand.

Tightly.

I smiled at that.

I was happy that she did.

I took in those doe eyes.

They were alluring.

Always captivating.

We both stepped into the air.

Were suddenly sucked in.

Immediately we were floating in space.

Nia curled herself around my body.

Arms locked around my neck.

She looked at the stars around us.

Asteroids flying past us.

Nia breathed easily.

Her heartbeat.

Steady against my chest.

We could see a blue comet in the distance.

Beautiful tail.

Nia shouted that we were in Aquarius.

She looked at me strangely.

What was she talking about.

Her face seemed suddenly smaller.

All sort of sucked in.

She disappeared right in front of me.

Her right hand stretched long and curled around my neck.

I felt as I was sucked in too.

Nia now had her arm around my waist.

Alf came walking closer.

The hair just as orange as I always remembered it.

He came right up to Nia and said.

"Got any cats?"

He licked his lips.

"I do love cats."

He smiled coyly.

And Nia held onto the side of the claws tighter.

We were being carried through the sky by the Abandoner Nia had called it.

Why she would call this flying thing that.

I had no idea.

It opened its claws a bit.

Allowing us an aerial view of Utopia.

The sky bright around us.

The bright colours surrounding Nia's castle.

The great waterfall near Nia's peak.

We drifted lower to the castle's tower.

Circling the round blue sphere.

The blue marble.

It was casting bright blue light in all directions.

Nia seemed to reach towards it.

Almost like she wanted to grab some of the rays that seemed so tangible right in front of our eyes.

The blue bubbles like it was filled with tiny things that stared back at us.

Nia grabbed at one.

She held tighter to the dolphin's fin.

I held tighter to her hand as we were dragged through the water.

Nia seemed to be giggling.

Her eyes never close.

Those doe eyes taking in everything around us.

I saw as more dolphins swam around us.

I saw it.

The black-eyed sea-nymph.

"You remember the tune right."

We were walking down Nia's lane.

Hotel California.

One of Nia's favourite tracks.

She did enjoy Eagles.

We walked to the edge and looked down.

It seemed to be high above the clouds.

The jukeboxes as if they were plugged into the clouds somehow.

Nia looked over at The Cone.

That was her favourite thing to look at from her home.

That was in Windhoek.

Namibia.

She would miss it when she would finally move.

That's what she said.

Any way.

Plenty of room at the Hotel California... anytime of the year... you can find it here... Nia sang along.

We were suddenly in the tiny cabin.

Dancing to No Air.

Nia held me tightly.

Her eyes fixed on mine.

Her hands tight against me then.

Caressing my pigeon-chest.

I cupped the small of her back.

I leaned forward and helped Nia to catch her breath.

She gasped out in wonder as she opened her eyes and gazed over at Lake Tranquillity.

She took my hand tightly.

Lifted herself up.

She stared out in amazement.

ix

The first one came shyly from behind the tree.

It looked around curiously.

Then just went on the tips of its toes.

Quick.

*Swoosh*

Gently.

Not even the water was stirred as it came to a standstill right near the centre of the lake.

Its translucent orange wings occasionally flap as it stares at Nia.

Then suddenly it looks away.

It vanishes.

No trace that it was ever there.

Nia's eyes never close.

Those doe eyes.

Searching.

I could see that she doubted that she saw it at all.

Uhm.

It was like it was a figment of our imagination.

However.

The second one appeared.

It came from below.

It was in the lake.

This one was not orangey, but rather purplish.

Maybe blue.

I couldn't be sure.

The water all flowed back into the lake from its wings and body.

Like it couldn't get wet.

Nia walked closer to the edge of the lake as the doof-doof in my head started again.

I looked up in the direction of Nia's castle.

A huge red creature was sitting on the marble.

No.

It was crushing it.

I thought the marble was destroyed...

It's a dragon or something.

It spread its wings.

It looked like it was on fire.

The marble and tower shattering to pieces as it ascends into the air.

The doof-doof in my head was never like this before.

Almost like it was in sync with the tower.

As it shattered.

Yes.

My head would give a loud doof-doof.

When the tower cracked before coming apart.

There would be the echo of a doof-doof.

I couldn't be sure.

The dragon circled ever closer in our direction.

I looked over at Nia.

She was completely taken by the creatures on the water.

I cringed and fell to my knees as the doof-doof took me off guard.

It no longer had any rhythm.

Just came and went as it pleased.

I looked up.

It was heading straight for us.

No.

It was heading for the creatures on the water.

I could clearly see the head.

It had at least four eyes in the front.

It looked like a dragon, but then again.

It was too ugly and scary too care what it was.

It didn't seem like something good.

Why would it be on fire.

The flames literally burned as if they came from its skin.

Or they were burning right on top of its skin, never hurting the thing.

I tried to call to Nia as the thing was about to stab its razor sharp tail into the back of the orangey creature.

"Sherwin!"

Nia sounded scared.

"What? What's wrong?" I asked confused.

"You were screaming..." Nia seemed confused.

"I don't know. But we are here."

Nia points in front of her.

I turn my head in the direction she was pointing.

We were at Lake Tranquillity.

Nia helped me up.

Did we only just arrive?

x

Nia let go of my hand and stepped closer to the lake.

I looked around.

It was dark.

Only the blue light about us.

You could see the flames consuming Protected-Dreams-Forest.

To our far left.

No fire had reached the opposite bank though.

Except for the few spots of fire along the hill.

Behind the tiny cabin.

They didn't seem to pose any threat.

Not at the moment.

Yet.

Uhm.

There were bright lights hovering above the lake.

Fireflies.

Nia stared in wonder.

I felt suddenly dizzy.

I managed to keep my balance though.

I walked over to Nia.

She hushed me before I could speak.

She pointed with her finger to the trees on the other side.

I saw it too.

An orange head poked around the tree trunk.

Then it hid quick.

Slowly it put out its orange foot then its thigh.

More of the torso.

Till it finally emerges fully from behind the tree.

It glances quickly to its left.

Then right.

The head movements swift.

Almost as if it didn't move at all.

The eyes were clearly green.

They were sort of angular.

It didn't look human.

But it was definitely not an animal.

I could see the small nose.

Above the thick.

Yes thick.

Orange lips.

It was unusual.

But it fit the creature perfect.

The lips sort of blending with the edges of the translucent wings.

It looked like real feathers.

One fell to the water surface as it swiftly ran on top of the water.

Feet ever pointed.

The feather was the only disturbance.

Causing small ripples in the quiet waters.

Like the thing was lighter than the feather.

Or was it perhaps floating in the air.

But how?

The wings flapped sporadically.

Not like something that was hovering.

The creature then stares at Nia.

She gasps.

The creature looks away quick.

Vanishes.

Nia makes a shriek noise.

Like she just felt something crawl down her back.

But immediately she starts smiling.

Then giggling.

Until she starts laughing uncontrollably.

She fell on her back.

She was in stitches.

"Stop! Stooo...ooop!" Nia laughed.

Immediately she starts laughing less.

But still giggles as she gets back onto her feet.

"Wow!" She says breathless.

That was amazing.

"What was?" I asked.

Before she could answer.

The blue head emerges from the water.

It looks around.

Cautiously.

Then lifts the rest of its body out the water.

Water flowing like mercury off its skin.

It looked amazing.

You could clearly see that it was wet.

But now like it was never under the water.

It looked at Nia.

Suddenly she gasps again.

This time she however closes her eyes and starts turning around in one spot.

I didn't understand what was happening.

I looked over at the purple-bluish creature with its strange wings.

It seemed to be dancing on the water.

A slow waltz.

I looked over to our left and fell to my knees as I anticipated the doof-doof in my head.

But there was nothing.

I looked over across the tree tops.

I could see the blue sphere.

The top of the tower.

I saw as it shattered and started falling to pieces.

I anticipated the doof-doof.

Again.

Nothing.

I saw as the red dragon started hovering ever closer towards us.

I only assumed it was a dragon.

Big thing with wings.

Fire coming from every part of it.

I suddenly understood.

We didn't have much time.

I rushed over to Nia.

She was still in a world of her own.

I tried to stop her, but all she did was take my hands in hers and started waltzing with me.

I tried to stop her.

Again.

But then I saw it.

We were right above the water.

Below you could see the fish as they seemed to be dancing along.

The tiny yellow specks like they were making sure that should Nia trip, they would catch her.

Like a net.

I can't explain.

It formed patterns on the water.

Nia seemed to experience it differently.

"Can you feel the water, Sher."

She said as she closes her beautiful doe eyes.

"It's like I'm dancing in the water."

She tries to explain.

"Without any resistance. But I can feel that I am wet." She sounded strange.

I was not experiencing any of this.

Just that I was dancing a waltz with Nia.

On top of Lake Tranquillity.

It was a beautiful place.

Especially here.

Here most of the lilies grew.

Here I swore I saw a live gnome once.

Nia disagreed and said that it was an elf.

I didn't agree with that though.

I suddenly saw the fire in the distance and remembered the dragon.

Before I could speak, Nia stopped dancing and we hovered for a moment on top of the water.

She was looking in the direction of the castle.

She could finally see what was happening.

We were on the grass by the lake again.

Nia held her hand to her mouth.

"It's all almost gone."

She was basically talking to herself.

"Yes," I said.

Not sure to feel sad or glad.

For Nia's sake.

I mean.

"But why?"

That's all she asks.

I went to stand next to her.

Doing my best to ignore the dragon that was fast approaching.

Nia was oblivious to it.

It seemed.

"I think I understand." I try to find the words.

"It is the only way to make me forget, I think."

I said to Nia.

Not sure if what I was saying was correct.

I have misunderstood so many things.

Before.

Why could I be so sure now.

"Forget? Why? How?"

Nia was like one that didn't remember what happened inside the castle.

I didn't understand it.

Uhm.

"Out of sight, out of mind."

That's all I could muster.

I finally understood what that meant.

Only with this out of my sight.

Would I be able to move on.

It needed to be removed from my memory.

Literally be erased.

So that I could never dream about it again.

It was the cause of the headaches.

The loud doof-doof.

It was being chipped from my brain.

So that no traces may remain.

That's how I understood it.

More of His grace.

Yes.

"It is for the best."

I told Nia.

She seemed satisfied with what I told her.

I looked across her shoulder and saw as the dragon started swooping down.

I try to warn her, but Nia notices something by the lake and runs over quick.

I turn and look too.

I was not sure what Nia was seeing.

I looked back at the red dragon.

How could Nia not see it.

It was huge.

I could see it clearly as it stops flapping its gigantic wings and just darted sort of straight down.

Increasing in speed.

Tail going ever rigid as the pointed sharp point protruded from the tip of its tail.

It was going to kill the two creatures that were playing on top of the water.

I ran over to Nia and jumped her flat on the grass.

Trying to shield her from the flames.

It seemed to be burning fiercer as the dragon was about to strike.

Suddenly.

From nowhere.

Tra-lala-lal-lal-la-la-la! Tra-lala-lal-lal-la-la-la! Tra-lala-lal-lal-la-la-la!

Tra-lala-lal-lal-la-la-la! Tra-lala-lal-lal-la-la-la! Tra-lala-lal-lal-la-la-la!

Tra-lala-lal-lal-la-la-la!

The dragon started flapping its wings wildly.

An awful squeal came from it.

More and more.

The fire like it was suddenly burning hotter than before.

You could see the white flames leave its skin.

Tra-lala-lal-lal-la-la-la! Tra-lala-lal-lal-la-la-la! Tra-lala-lal-lal-la-la-la!

Tra-lala-lal-lal-la-la-la!

Tra-lala-lal-lal-la-la-la!

It sounded like trumpets, but also as if it was singing coming from all directions.

I could however only make out the tra-lala-lal-lal-la-la-la.

The dragon squealed more.

Lost control and crashed straight into the lake.

It continued to squirm and squeal, till it just disappeared below the water.

It didn't sink.

It was completely gone.

No traces of it left.

Nia pointed to the lilies and says.

"Can you hear, Sherwin."

I wasn't sure what I was supposed to hear.

Still only the tra-lala-lal-lal-la-la-la rang in my ears.

"It sounds like Ave Maria."

Nia seems to listen to be sure.

I listened too.

"No."

Nia sounded sure.

She took me to the lake's edge.

We sat down next to the lilies.

I could hear them now too.

They were singing.

They were also responsible for the noise that stopped the dragon.

I was sure of this.

I listened.

They were singing... Ave... Marnia.

xi

"Ave Maria, Sher," Nia sits quietly and listens.

"Ave Marnia," I argued.

We stared at each other for a moment.

Neither of us could really tell.

It was in the way the lilies changed their voices that made it difficult.

Though Nia was not a Catholic, she did enjoy listening to that song.

She loved the story of Mary and Jesus.

She would always volunteer to be Mary whenever the church Sunday school put on a Christmas play.

Guess that's where all the parlour queen business began.

Umf.

Uhm.

Nia...

I remembered why we were here.

Yes.

We didn't have much time.

Nia was not aware of this.

I realised more and more what was happening.

The red dragon.

Uhm.

"Nia," I felt as I moved from behind the tree and saw her from across the water.

I saw him too.

There, with her.

They didn't see me.

I ran forward quick.

Sure not to stir anything.

If they were to be aware of my presence, it would all be lost.

I circled around for a moment then looked at her.

How could I not.

Nia.

Fair Lady.

My Fair Lady.

She is beautiful.

With the khakis hiding her well in this blue light.

Who could ever miss that face.

It was just too bright.

The hair.

Like a light in the dark.

Those doe eyes.

Dark orbs.

Shiny blue velvet in this light.

She looks straight at me.

I was caught.

That was good.

Perhaps now I could get through.

I hid as well as I could then stood right next to her.

He was thankfully staring towards the castle.

"Nia," I said.

She just stared out over the lake.

I resorted to tickling her.

She reacted to that.

She started laughing and then fell to the ground.

I tickled her under her feet.

She was very ticklish there.

It didn't work.

She just laughed on.

Wasn't aware of me.

Tickling her.

I tried again.

"Stop! Stooo...ooop!"

That's all she screamed.

He looked.

Almost at me.

I slowly slip into the water.

The water was cool.

It was only with Nia in it.

That it went warm.

Depending on the distance away she was from me.

It would get hotter.

I was not sure why.

But I think I understood that too.

I swam past all the fish that gathered to get a glimpse of the Queen.

She was regularly at the lake, but this was the first time we got here at night.

I swam to the surface, then slowly hid again.

Nia was still giggling.

She was holding her stomach.

Then she sees me again.

He does too.

I could not carry on hiding like this.

I would have to try and speak to them both.

I started waltzing.

Nia was an expert by now.

She insisted we do ballroom dancing together.

She liked it a lot.

I went with because it got me one-on-one time with Nia.

Constant grab of the hip.

Rub of the thigh as you wait for the count.

Hand resting on shoulders.

Palms together.

Warm.

Those were moments I would treasure.

It were the only times that we held each other like that.

Nia danced with me.

She wasn't aware of this.

How could I get through to her.

I decided to draw her into the water.

Perhaps if she felt the heat, she would notice me.

We went down.

The water was immediately hot around me.

I could feel my skin like burning plastic was falling onto my skin.

Nia didn't notice a thing.

She just smiled broadly at all the fish around us.

Nia sure did love the water.

And she loved fish.

I still have no idea why.

Apparently fish have personalities.

I'm sure my sweetpea was right.

Umf.

None of this was working.

I tried to make him be aware of what was going on.

I climbed up the tower quick and waited.

He would show his face.

He was out for my blood.

I stood and watched as the fire came ever closer.

The vygies were no longer cheering.

Nor was the guineafowl ordering everyone about.

He was looking for his Queen too.

I felt the sadness it felt.

Where was Nia.

How could she just disappear like that.

I saw as the red dragon poked his head through the tower.

Shattering the blue marble.

I saw as the small faces cried for Nia too.

The seemed bewildered.

Confused almost.

I felt an intense, hopeless emotion as they scattered through the air.

Was filled with inertia.

As I saw the small things in the bubbles try to resist the fall.

I focused again.

The dragon was now completely out.

The four eyes seem to stare off in different directions.

Thin layers of see-through skin sporadically slither across the catlike irises.

The scariest was the tiny holes around its entire face.

A slimy liquid oozed from it.

It seemed to cover its entire body.

The skin almost like very flexible leather.

The dragon a deep red colour.

It had streaks of blue where there seemed to be razor sharp scales.

It seemed to be able to move as well.

The best would be to jump on its head.

That was the only safe place.

No ooze and no sharp things.

Only the bucket like curve of the skull.

With the three sharp horns.

At an angle to the back.

I hoped that the horns wouldn't have some poison of some sort.

I stared at Lake Tranquillity.

I hoped that I would be in time.

I secured the box with the police belt.

Lord, be with me.

As the dragon spread its wings.

I jumped on.

It was so big, it didn't seem to notice me on its head.

The view from it was spectacular.

Though my heart ached at the sight.

The fire was now almost about to circle the lake.

There was not much time.

If we were to make it, we would have to go now.

The dragon circled closer.

I stared back at the tower as it toppled to the ground.

Tortoises hiding in their homes.

The guineafowl relentlessly asking if anyone had seen Nia.

Seemed he was unaware of the castle that was slowly starting to crumble.

I could see the giant white beings.

They had wings too.

They were the ones demolishing the castle.

They were doing it in stages.

At strategic places.

The main concentration was around the tower.

That was where it was.

The thing I now carried.

Secured with the belt.

We had to get it out, before it was too late.

xii

I saw them in the distance.

Turning round and round on the grass.

They were dancing.

They seemed happy.

I couldn't understand it.

Couldn't they see the fire right behind them.

The dragon that was fast approaching.

Every now and then it seemed like he noticed.

But would then be distracted by Nia.

They hunched next to the lake's edge.

I saw as it rose from the water and faced us.

It had what looked like a vuvuzela in its hand.

Thank you, Lord.

All praise be to God.

That's what we needed.

I would not be able to make it.

Nia could go without it.

But me not.

I needed it.

I saw as it put the vuvuzela to its mouth.

We started descending.

I saw it clearly now.

It was not a vuvuzela.

It was a trumpet.

Long and straight, with the curved, rounded end.

The thing spread its gigantic wings.

The water dropped like rain onto the lake.

The fireflies seemed to fly around in it.

He and Nia just sat and stared at the lilies.

I could see that I would have to try something.

I slid slowly down the dragon's back.

Careful to avoid the sharp scales.

They seemed to be readying themselves for attack.

It stopped flapping its wings.

The sudden stop made me lose my balance.

I slipped towards the left wing.

It knocked me off its back.

Two of the eyes stared at me.

Suddenly beetle like things started crawling from the holes along its sides.

Straight at me.

Sharp razor like teeth exposed from the deformed faces.

The dragon's tail was now ready to strike.

I glanced over quick as I saw them still unaware of the dragon that was ready to kill them.

The only way it could, would be to strike both the orangey and purplish-blue creatures that were dancing upon the water.

They were linked.

To him and Nia.

In a way that if disturbed abruptly.

Could have dire consequences.

I remember when mommy woke me up.

I nearly slit her face with the cracked marble in my hand.

I didn't know what I might do if the dragon succeeded.

Lord, please protect her.

They were unaware of it.

Utopia was deceiving them.

It wanted Nia to remain too.

Without her, it would have no purpose.

Seize to exist.

More however.

It was craving for the love that came from her.

Whenever she was here.

They were her willing slaves.

Utopia loved her.

Just as I did.

Do.

Very much.

Uhm.

To keep her from returning.

Lied in the box I was carrying.

I had no choice.

I lunged into the air and grabbed its tail.

I slid towards the tip.

It didn't try to shake me off.

All eyes were fixed on the kill.

The ferocious beetles crawled fast down its belly and back, towards me.

More slime.

Like it was some toxin.

It oozed towards me too.

I didn't know what else to do.

I slipped till right to the tip of its tail.

The stinger was starting to emerge.

I used the tail to swing myself around.

Failed the first time.

Then.

Just as it was about to strike the purplish-blue creature.

I slammed hard into the stinger.

It hit me right in the chest.

I heard the loud buzzing trumpet noise.

It was deafening.

I held my hands to my ears.

The dragon seemed to be in agony too.

It started twisting in awkward positions.

I could hear the squeals leave its body.

The sound not only came from its mouth.

But from the holes in its sides as well.

It disappeared right in front of my eyes.

The tail the last to disappear.

The stinger was lodged in the St Christopher charm.

I saw as it turned to dust too.

The charm as if the stinger was never there.

Not even a scratch.

Thank you, Lord.

Nia took my hand.

We stood up.

I stared at those doe eyes.

I took the box and handed it to Nia.

"This is for you.

No time to look though.

We have to leave."

I took off my shoes.

Nia stared at the box in wonder.

It was covered in diamonds.

She always said they are a girl's best friend.

More Marilyn influences.

The parlour queen tricks.

I am sure.

I took Nia by the hand.

The red vuvuzela in the other.

It was with the things I got ready for her.

I took it just in case.

Seems it was now our only hope.

Ha-ha-ha.

Funny.

Uhm.

I was sure we were going to make it.

They started running towards us from the forest.

They were aware of where we were.

The red eyed monkeys.

Or baboons.

Ugly gorillas.

We jumped.

I was however held back.

Nia's hand slipped from mine.

She stared back at me from the water.

I didn't bother to try and jump again.

I threw the vuvuzela towards her.

"Blow as hard as you can!"

I shouted.

Not sure if Nia could hear me.

"Bubbles will find you!"

I tried to push closer, but the force pulling me back, literally made my body bend.

"Just keep swimming! Just keep swimming!"

I shouted.

They now surrounded me.

Nia stared in horror.

"Go Nia!"

They were about to jump in after her.

A few circled me.

Nia glanced over at me before they grabbed me.

Those doe eyes.

Beautiful.

They never looked more beautiful.

"Nia!"

They started dragging me backwards.

I tried to resist with all my might.

"Sweetpea..."

I managed to nudge closer to the edge.

"I love you."

Those doe eyes.

Like they were only looking at me.

Then I was alone in the dark.

Void of anything.

Thought or feeling.

Just alone.

In the darkness.

xiii

2013

Georgie looked exactly the same as he did back in school.

Big muscles.

Flat mouth.

Those two top teeth always exposed.

He still looked like a clown.

Umf.

I wanted to smile.

But I managed to restrain myself.

I put the leather pouch in my pocket casually and stand firmer into the ground.

I didn't know what to expect.

Georgie looks the same.

Yes.

But he had a harder edge to him.

Almost like a life of violence was part of his skin.

It sort of gave that off.

Like his skin was tough and worn.

Those eyes still dark.

Blue circles much more prominent.

Deep wrinkles at the corners.

You were never sure with Georgie.

Was he smiling or was he about to lash out.

The mouth was the confusing part.

"Salaam, Whitey," he says.

I still felt a slight sting as he said that.

It didn't seem like he meant me harm though.

"I never thought I'd see your..." he hesitates.

Runs his teeth over his lower lip.

His eyes go smaller.

"What brings you here?"

Georgie lights a cigarette.

He inhales deeply.

His tensed jaw seems to relax.

Guess we were buddies now.

He smiles slightly.

"I'm looking for him... the one with the scar across his face."

I didn't think I'd ever see Georgie again, let alone speak with him.

Told you.

You should never have come.

Uhm.

Georgie takes a drag of his cigarette.

Puffs circles into the air.

Then stares at me.

His eyes open.

Almost like the dark circles were lighter.

The wrinkles less prominent.

He was curious.

He looks quickly to his left and over my shoulder.

He starts.

"Why are you looking for him?"

His body seems to tense up a bit.

The jaw muscle twitching again.

I crossed my arms across my chest.

"I have something to give him."

I removed all emotion from my face.

Returned his sudden stare.

"What?"

Georgie was nervous.

"None of your business."

I was sure I was being reckless.

But I wasn't scared of Georgie anymore.

I would not be the only one left injured.

That he could take to the bank.

He gave me a glare.

Took a last puff of his cigarette and shoots it into the air.

It rolls down the street.

"You won't find him here."

Georgie seems sincere.

"He and his daughter moved to the Bo-Kaap."

Georgie looks around quick.

Then comes closer to me.

"The mosque at the top of Long is where he'll be."

Georgie turns.

"Just ask for Achmet."

His clown face back.

"Sure was an eventful day, hey."

I look him in his eyes.

He was referring to that day.

"Sorry about your dog. "

What was all this sincerity from Georgie all about?

"He didn't deserve to die like that. But he was brave."

He looks around nervously again.

Then winks at me.

"Salaam, Whitey."

He disappears around the corner.

Literally like he vanishes.

I sensed that I should leave too.

Yes.

You'd better go.

xiv

I found the mosque easy enough.

I was not sure whether to go in or not.

A young boy came to the door.

I asked for Achmet.

The boy went inside.

Suddenly I felt hot.

Small droplets formed on my forehead.

My throat suddenly dry.

Perhaps this wasn't such a good idea.

I told you.

Go.

Leave.

While you still can.

I paced around.

I could easily disappear around the corner.

Just get it over with.

I decided to stay.

This was something I had to do.

Perhaps gain some peace of mind.

No more of this constant guilt.

Yes.

I had to do this.

Uhm.

Umf.

Go.

If he finds you.

He'll kill you.

Don't you remember.

What you did.

Remember how you took it.

You did.

Didn't you.

Now you will pay.

You are responsible.

Go.

Before he kills you.

I start biting my nails.

Perhaps I should go.

I did do it.

I did.

Can I be so stupid to think that this could make things right.

Or different.

Stupid fool.

No wonder she left you.

You're slow.

Fool.

Dead.

Dead fool.

For once I was happy for the Cape Town wind.

As it blew across my sweat drenched head.

It brought relief.

My face less hot.

I breathed in deep.

Relax.

Relax.

Yeah right.

Give it a try.

I'll help you.

I cringe.

The memory was suddenly there.

Vivid.

Crystal clear.

I cringe some more.

It would be best to leave.

Don't be a fool.

You fool.

Idiot.

Just go.

Be bold.

It will not be the end of the world.

I look back at the mosque entrance.

Go.

Someone starts approaching.

You're dead.

I swallowed hard.

Lord, please be with me.

Sherwynne, I love you.

Sherwynne, I do.

It was him.

Scarface.

He didn't look the same at all.

Not as skinny and thin as I remember.

More muscle to him, but he was still lean.

His face opens up with a broad smile.

His eyes seemed suddenly watery.

He comes and gives me a hug and kisses me on my cheeks.

Once on the right.

Then left.

Then right again.

"Allahu Akbar!" He seems extremely happy.

I didn't know why.

And what was he saying.

"I have made dua for the day that I may seek your pardon. And here you are."

He smiles even broader.

"I am Achmet."

He reaches his hand out to me.

"I'm Sherwin."

I say nervously.

Still couldn't understand what was going on.

"Come, please come with me to my house."

He gestures that we should start walking.

"Please. I must open my heart. So that you can see."

I look up at his beaming face.

There was no reason to be scared.

Scarface.

Achmet.

He meant me no harm.

Soon we were at his home.

He calls out to his daughter I presumed.

He asks me to sit down.

"Please, make yourself at home."

I sit down at the kitchen table.

A girl around my age comes from the hall way.

A scarf hangs loose over her head.

She ties it quick as she notices me.

She smiles shyly.

I swallow hard as she enters right after the girl that still stared at me curiously.

I told you.

You are nothing but a fool.

It was her.

Simoné.

End of Gratitude

Whisperers

Simoné

"Simoné. There's something I must tell you."

"Sherwynne, wait. There's something I must tell you. About that day. Tuesday, 22 January 1991. Do you remember?"

I nod.

Yes.

"Well, the day just after that one. When I didn't come to school. I sent you a note with Tash."

i

2013

I was now more uncomfortable than before.

Uhm.

Fool.

"Sherwynne!" Simoné says excitedly.

She comes and gives me a quick hug then joins the girl standing at the sink.

"You know Fatima's friend?"

I assume he was referring to the girl.

"Yes. Sherwynne and I go way back. We met in... 1990."

Simoné looks down.

Then up.

She smiles again.

"What brings you here?" She asks curiously.

I didn't know what to say.

"He came to see me. Will you please excuse us. Sherwin. This way."

Thank God.

Achmet starts walking down the hall.

I glance at Simoné quick. She seems to be blushing. The girl giggles too. I wondered what they were on about.

Umf.

Girls.

I follow Achmet down the short hallway into what appears to be a study room. Big table in the centre. Lots of books all over the place. Most seem to be in some scroll language.

He asks me to sit on one of the chairs by the table. He moves some of the books and loose papers away then takes a seat next to me on the chair at the head of the table.

Before he could speak, I started.

"Before you start, there is something I would like to give you."

I take out the leather pouch and put it in front of him on the table.

He looks at it.

He seems.

I don't know.

I cannot be sure.

He seems to be in deep thought.

I wanted to ask.

But.

"Astagfirullah."

I had no idea what he was saying.

He seems to want to cry too.

I was now really uncomfortable.

I shouldn't have come.

I have only upset him.

Yes.

All for nothing.

"May Allah forgive me."

He takes the pouch and squeezes it in his hands.

"Sherwin, I owe you an apology. I'm sorry I left the pouch there for you to take. I wasn't sure you would take it, but you did. I am sorry."

What?

Did he leave the pouch there for me on purpose.

But he.

"All praise is due to Allah that you did."

What did he mean and who is Allah?

"If you hadn't, many people could have died."

I swallow hard.

*Gulp*

"Davids wasn't kidding about the electricity. He wanted to blow the whole place up, then hit the Waterfront next."

"Golden Acre would have followed."

I had no idea what he was talking about.

"Davids' clients were able to supply arms, illegal, in return for the stuff."

He unfolds his still clenched fist.

The pouch all wrinkled.

He drops it on the table.

"What Davids' did to get it, only Allah knows."

He looks at me.

Dead in the eyes.

I didn't look away.

"You wouldn't believe me if I told you what was in here and I am also not going to ruin your view on humanity by telling you. What is in here is of shaytaan's making. May Allah have mercy on us all."

Wow.

Achmet now really got me curious.

I figured this Allah must be God and this shaytaan maybe satan.

The devil.

Yes.

I suddenly thought.

It started to make sense to me.

What was in that pouch?

"My contacts were fake. Police trying to get to the source of the k... stuff."

He averts my gaze.

Like he almost said too much.

"Jamiel got caught the day after we left it in the tunnel."

Jamiel must be 28.

"He was always in and out of jail. Seems he preferred it there."

Who would deliberately want to stay in jail?

Some people.

Achmet must be joking.

"If Stakes didn't mess up, Davids would probably have believed it was me. That's why we came to your house. To get Stakes to confess. He didn't know what Davids was on about. The LSD he stole, or the stuff he knew nothing about."

Didn't they come to the house because of the pouch?

Is that what Achmet was saying?

"Shocked I was when I saw you there."

They didn't come because of the pouch.

"He was foolish to think Davids wouldn't catch onto him. Davids knew about the LSD. He just wanted to see if he had taken the stuff too. So I believed."

He looks at me.

"He hit your mother to warn Stakes. And that only meant trouble for Stakes. One would rather take a bullet, then be warned by Davids. He sure could be merciless."

He shakes his head.

"He took you. To. If Stakes didn't come with the money by midnight that night, he was going to kill you. What I didn't know was that G had informed Davids that Jamiel and I took the stuff. G thought Davids believed him, but Davids had us all fooled. That's why he was the best. Couldn't pull a fast one on him. He had planned to kill us all. Leave us all there as examples to what he does to those that try to steal from him. Return for your mother. He said he would kill whatever family you had. All to torture Stakes."

I just looked at him.

I knew he was going to kill me.

That's why I fired.

But Mommy and Aunty Anne too. All over money owed by Jerry because of stolen LSD.

And here I was thinking he only enjoyed the broken-bottle-head-pipe.

But wait.

"So, you didn't come to the house because of the pouch?"

I ask.

"No. If Davids believed I had it, there was no way he could know you took it."

I don't know how to explain.

I felt somehow relieved.

It wasn't my fault that Mommy got hurt.

It was because of Jerry.

"If you hadn't shot him."

He shakes his head.

Yes.

I did.

Yes.

You did.

I told you.

ii

Achmet finished telling me about how he got the operation needed for his daughter, Fatima. He didn't explain too much on what was wrong with her.

"Thanks is due to Allah that she is only a carrier."

He looks at me.

"I'm a haemophiliac. Almost bled to death the day I got this scar. Allah warned me, but I still didn't listen. That night was the wall in my face. The scar was a brick."

He unconsciously seems to run his fingers along his scar.

Haemophiliac?

"Difficult to stop bleeding once I start. If Fatima were to have that too, she would surely have died."

He shakes his head.

"You almost gave me a nice cut that night. Sure were a tough kid. As small as you were you gave me quite a workout. You would probably never have knocked yourself unconscious had I not held on with all I could muster."

He laughs.

I manage a smile.

Then frown.

It still wasn't funny.

I remember the look on Mommy's face before that golf club connected hard.

I never even spoke to Mommy about it.

We didn't speak when I got home.

All I said was that I wanted to go and stay with Uncle Farmer in Windhoek.

He was a good friend of Daddy's.

Mommy was so confused I think.

She must have thought it to be the best to get me away.

I didn't look at her.

I couldn't.

Just barely gave her a hug good bye.

She knew nothing about Mr Davids.

Aunty Anne called the cops.

But when they arrived all was said and done.

None of us mentioned anything.

"Stakes was never seen again."

Real loser.

He ran away.

Mommy must have thought he might come back.

I didn't help her right, because I didn't want to tell her what I had done.

I couldn't let anyone find out.

That I killed Simoné's father.

As horrible as he sounds, he was still her father.

Yes.

And you killed him.

Told you.

She's going to hate you.

"Got myself straightened out. All praise is due to Allah."

He smiles broadly, then frowns.

"Please say you can forgive me. I do not know what this pouch has caused you. But I am very, very sorry."

He seems sincere.

Almost near tears again.

What could I say.

Here I was thinking I had to apologize and now this.

I still couldn't really make sense of it all.

But I had no grudges against Achmet.

That much I knew.

"It's alright, I forgive you."

I wasn't sure if that meant anything to him.

I was still the one that took it.

I still felt responsible.

I am still the one that shot Simoné's father.

"May Allah bless you."

He takes my hands and kisses it.

He then gets up and calls his daughter.

"Please stay for supper. Fatima, Sherwin is joining us for supper."

I didn't even get a chance to say anything.

Guess I was staying.

"Bismillah."

iii

New Era

Namibia: Two-Day Dressage Tourney At Swakopmund... Backed By Kueki's Pub Seafood

26 April 2013 http://allafrica.com/stories/201304261045.html

Bo-Kaap, Cape Town.

"Simoné. There's something I must tell you."

"Sherwynne, wait. There's something I must tell you. About that day. Tuesday, 22 January 1991. Do you remember?"

I nod.

Yes.

"Well, the day just after that one. When I didn't come to school. I sent you a note with Tash."

Simoné sighs.

Deep.

I thought it best to wait with what I had to tell her.

That I killed her father.

This would give me more time to prepare.

I had to tell her.

It is the only way.

Umf.

You think.

Ha-ha-ha.

"I wanted to tell you the day before. That Tuesday. But."

She stops and sighs again.

"George had to come and butt his head in. I'm sure he knew what I wanted to tell you."

What was Simoné talking about.

Did Georgie know we were going to meet?

I thought he was only following Scarface, Achmet, and 28.

Jamiel.

"I heard Pokes talking. My dad. Telling them his plans about doing something very bad."

She must be talking about Davids.

His plans.

"I went to speak to him about it, but he told me to not stick my nose where it doesn't belong."

She rolls her eyes.

"He always said even though you don't call me Dad or Daddy, doesn't mean I am not your father. You will respect me and obey me. Long as I stay under his roof. I moved to Mah that night."

I didn't realise Simoné had it that bad.

I always wondered why she called her Mah.

Like it meant more mom.

Like Mah Jacobs was her mom.

"Me and Dolly never got along."

That was her mother.

"That's why I didn't come to school the next day. I was still settling in. Mah Jacobs sent a note to Mr Love explaining everything. He was always a nice person."

That was True.

Mr Love.

Great Principal.

"I."

Simoné seems suddenly scared.

Perhaps I should confess first.

"Simoné."

"No. Sherwynne. Please. There is something I must tell you."

I thought she had.

About her father.

What was it that bothered her so.

Why did she always have this desperate need to say something to me.

What does it have to do with January 23rd, 1991?

"I knew where he would be. I went to go and see."

She looks at me.

Her eyes filled with tears.

"It was raining."

What was Simoné saying?

What does this mean?

Did she see me?

Is that what this is all about?

Was she going to confront me?

I was now more nervous.

Here I thought we were working things out.

Told you.

You're nothing but a fool.

iv

"I was hiding behind a wall. Near those coloured duplexes."

Simoné sat more straight on the sofa.

We were sitting in Achmet them's lounge.

There were beautiful sketches all over the walls.

More of those scroll language things.

No drawings or pictures of people though.

Mostly flowers; trees.

Table Mountain.

The drawings were really good.

I wonder who drew them.

Probably those guys on Greenmarket.

Simoné looks at me.

She folds her arms protectively over her chest.

She looks down.

It seems as if she was about to cry.

I didn't know what to do.

I just reacted.

I scooted closer to her and put my arms around her.

She nestled her head on my shoulder.

She then started tugging hard at my shirt.

As if she was trying to hold onto something.

She then grabs me tight and starts sobbing.

I didn't know what this meant.

Perhaps Simoné misses her dad.

Maybe she saw as he fell to the ground.

Onto the cold, wet tar road.

Blood everywhere.

All mixed with the rain.

Washed down the drain.

I felt more responsible than ever.

This was all my fault.

I caused this.

No matter how I wanted to look at it.

I was still the one that did it.

No one forced me.

To pull the trigger.

I did that.

Yes.

Look what you did.

I needed to come clean.

Explain before she confronts me.

Maybe she thinks I did it deliberately.

But how could she.

Simoné trembles more and more.

Uncontrollably.

Her whole body seems to shake.

Fatima comes to the door.

Looks at us.

Simoné doesn't notice.

She leaves and closes the door.

I had to say it.

It was now or never.

You are nothing but a fool.

"I shot him."

Simoné and I say together.

End of Simoné

** For Mariah Carey Cannon**

_"Allah is the Comforter (doer or giver of Walayah) of those who are dynamically faithful (receivers and responders of walayah - believers); He extracts them from all manner of darkness into light...." (2:257)_

Recite this for protection for Moroccan Scott, Monroe, Nick, Morgan, your mom, brother, sister, your God mother, Miss Patti, your friends: Miss Winfrey, Missy E, Da Brat, your fans and yourself. When retiring to sleep and this was recited, with sincerity, Allah will protect they're house, they're neighbours and even they're surroundings. With lots of love and I'm sure my sister's too, Khaleel.

_Ayat Al-Kursi_

_Allah - there is no deity except Him, the Ever-Living, the Sustainer of [all] existence. Neither drowsiness overtakes Him nor sleep. To Him belongs whatever is in the heavens and whatever is on the earth. Who is it that can intercede with Him except by His permission? He knows what is [presently] before them and what will be after them, and they encompass not a thing of His knowledge except for what He wills. His Kursi extends over the heavens and the earth, and their preservation tires Him not. And He is the Most High, the Most Great. (Surah Al-Baqarah 2:255)_

**All I want for Christmas is you**

...

And they lived happily ever after.

**What happened to spare us the clichés.**

_Are you telling this story._

Uhm.

End of All I want for Christmas is you

**For Premier Helen Zille**

In love with my best friend

"What?"

She looked at me.

Smiled shyly.

End of In love with my best friend

**In the time of Prophet Muhammad, a man asked permission to go on a military expedition. The Prophet asked the man if he had a mother, when he replied yes, Prophet Muhammad said, "Stay with her because Paradise lies beneath her feet". (Ahmad, Al-Nasai)**

**Abdullah ibn Omar, a leading scholar from among Prophet Muhammad's companions once saw a man carrying his mother on his back and going around the Holy House in Mecca. He did not complain or show any signs of annoyance; rather he kept repeating a line of poetry comparing himself to a camel. He looked at Abdullah ibn Omar and asked him whether by so doing he discharged his debt to his mother. Ibn Omar said, "No. You have not even paid back one twinge of the pain she felt when giving birth to you".**

_The Aliens_

_"Phone... Home...E.T. home phone." E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial (1982)_

The first time I thought I was abducted by aliens, was back in Windhoek.

Yes.

Uhm

It was a night like any other.

Nia had just sent me a sms good night.

I replied _Kick Freddy's @ss._

Meaning.

Have sweet dreams.

Uhm.

Umf.

She always got my sense of humour.

That's what I loved about her.

I could be myself with her.

Talk about the gremblins that are hiding in a corner, cowering from Jason's scary as hell machete. Too scared to call Scotty. He would surely beam them away from that poor girl's head, still lying in the woods of _Camp Crystal Lake_.

_Gag-e_ -ing on.

Yes.

A night like any other.

I spoke to Thurston about my experience.

He said is was simply _sleep-paralysis._

But I wasn't too sure.

Those girls looked real to me.

Three.

All blond and with dark eyes.

They were beautiful.

They each had one hand on my chest.

A pressure like no other.

Heavy.

Like something was sitting on top of me.

I tried to speak, but nothing left my mouth.

I heard them whispering.

Like a long sentence.

But each of them saying only one word each as the sentence went along them.

You cannot move.

That's all they kept saying.

You.

Cannot.

Move.

Their voices were soft and melodic.

It didn't seem like I was at home.

It was strange.

Only these ladies.

Each with one hand on my chest.

As beautiful as they were.

They scared me.

I couldn't move.

I wasn't sure what I was experiencing.

Everything seemed to be focused around my chest.

It was heavy.

I felt uncomfortable.

Really uncomfortable.

But I was helpless.

All to only the pressure of their hands.

Strange.

I prayed and they disappeared.

I could suddenly move again.

The next day I looked in the mirror.

It was there.

These things on my chest.

They never went away.

Maybe they messed with my _DNA_.

Or something.

Whatever they did.

It was proof.

Proof that something really happened.

Yes.

I didn't believe that it was _sleep-paralysis_.

No.

I tell you.

It was _aliens._

Uhm.

End of The Aliens

Whisperers

**Allah's Apostle (peace be upon him) said,**

_"The Hour will not be established_

_(1) till two big groups fight each other whereupon there will be a great number of casualties on both sides and they will be following one and the same religious doctrine,_

_(2) till about thirty Dajjals (liars) appear, and each one of them will claim that he is Allah's Apostle,_

_(3) till the religious knowledge is taken away (by the death of religious scholars)_

_(4) earthquakes will increase in number_

_(5) time will pass quickly,_

_(6) afflictions will appear,_

_(7) Al-Harj, (i.e., killing) will increase,_

_(8) till wealth will be in abundance--so abundant that a wealthy person will worry lest nobody should accept his Zakat(obligatory aid for the poor), and whenever he will present it to someone, that person (to whom it will be offered) will say, 'I am not in need of it,'_

_(9) till the people compete with one another in constructing high buildings,_

_(10) till a man when passing by a grave of someone will say, 'Would that I were in his place,'_

_(11) and till the sun rises from the West._

_So when the sun will rise and the people will see it (rising from the West) they will all believe (embrace Islam) but that will be the time when: (As Allah said,) 'No good will it do to a soul to believe then, if it believed not before, nor earned good (by deeds of righteousness) through its Faith.' (6.158) And the Hour will be established while two men spreading a garment in front of them but they will not be able to sell it, nor fold it up; and the Hour will be established when a man has milked his she-camel and has taken away the milk but he will not be able to drink it; and the Hour will be established before a man repairing a tank (for his livestock) is able to water (his animals) in it; and the Hour will be established when a person has raised a morsel (of food) to his mouth but will not be able to eat it."_

**Hadith - Bukhari 9.237, Narrated Abu Huraira**

_Breaking Dawn_

**2012**

"So, did you enjoy it?" I eyed her up and down.

She looked at me.

Eyes rolling.

"I enjoyed the book more." She says that with a sigh. "That whole Armageddon business put me off entirely." She shakes her head in dissatisfaction.

"Suppose they were just keeping in tune with the 2012, end of the world stories. The breaking dawn, you know." I tried to cheer her up. She had been looking forward to the movie since part one. That one she still enjoyed, but this one.

She looked really despondent.

"Dawn of what?" She asked. She threw the last of the popcorn in a bin and we made our way to the exit.

"The dawn of the Golden Age, baby." I joked.

She put her arm in mine and lay her head on my shoulder.

"The reign of the anti-Christ is upon us." I laughed.

She lifted her head and lightly hit me with a girly fist.

"You and your conspiracies. Not everyone is out to get us. It's just a movie." She smiled and then relaxed her head on my shoulder again. Sure to lock her arm in mine.

I still got goose bumps whenever she did that.

"Yeah, you are right. It's just a movie."

"Don't be sarcastic. I am already upset. Can't believe I was looking forward to that..." She doesn't finish. Sounded like she wanted to curse.

"Well, suppose it is that time? What if the Mayan calendar stops, because it is the end?" I took my arm from her tight grip and put it around her waist. Gave her a gentle kiss on her cheek.

She turns her head and looks at me.

Eyes curious.

Then she smiles.

"Death can come at any time; therefore I take no heed to such nonsense."

She lays her head back on my shoulder.

"I could end up dead tomorrow. Maybe even in a car accident as we head home tonight."

"Don't say that. You'll doom us both."

"No. It's true, Sherwin. We can die at any time. Therefore, we must live each and every day as our last. "

She grips me tighter.

"We should live each day as God wants us to live and leave the rest to Him. Forget the Mayans and their calendars."

End of Breaking Dawn

The Mysterious Cities of Gold

This show was my absolute favourite!

I always imagined Simoné and myself going off on adventures.

I was Esteban.

Child of the Sun.

And Zia?

My petite ankles Simoné.

End of The Mysterious Cities of Gold

**For Justin Bieber**

_When God said: "Jesus, I will take you back and raise you up to Me, and purify you of those who are unbelievers. And I will place the people who follow you above those who are unbelievers until the Day of Resurrection. Then you will all return to Me, and I will judge between you regarding the things about which you differed._

_(Holy Qur'an Surah Al 'Imran, 3:55)_

_The Prophet (peace be upon him) said,_

_"No prophet was sent but that he warned his followers against the one-eyed liar (Ad-Dajjal). Beware! He is blind in one eye, and your Lord is not so, and there will be written between his (Ad-Dajjal's) eyes (the word) Kafir (i.e., disbeliever)."_

_Hadith - Bukhari 9.245, Narrated Anas_

_The peace of the Lord be with you, Justin._

_Khaleel_

**The Rising of the Sun**

**I stared at the** **black widow spider** **.**

Sure was a big one.

I lifted the carpet.

More _black widows_ all over the floor.

The beams of the ceiling also seemed to be covered in _black widow spiders_.

Strange these creatures that the Lord made.

The females eat their males after mating.

Her venom is apparently three times more potent than that of the male's.

His _self-defence_ bite.

Useless.

Ineffective.

That _hourglass_ or _cup_ always fascinated me.

The Lord has a sense of humour I think.

Perhaps this _hourglass_ meant the time was up.

Your time was up.

Once the _black widow_ bites you.

You are dead.

Umf.

I walked about in the tiny cabin.

It was the first time for me to return here.

Since I left Namibia.

I came right after the _Olympics_ was over.

Mid-August, 2012.

I wanted to watch the Olympics with Simoné.

Oscar was definitely the _apex_ of it all for me.

He would definitely give me a run for my money.

My time is still better than his current best though.

Uhm.

Sure would like to meet him.

Superhuman.

Wonder what Nia would do if she would meet him.

Probably scream.

Sexy sexy sexy!

Mr Sexy legs.

Umf.

Ya.

Nia.

It was all over now.

I found a buyer for the place.

They didn't want it renovated or anything.

They said it was perfect for them.

Couple that just got married.

Just like Thurston and Melissa.

They said they loved the pool.

The way it connected with the tank.

Nia did enjoy the pool.

I remember.

Umf.

_A tos-_ s up happened there.

Snake managed to get to the pool.

Seems the repellents weren't as affective as I thought.

Glad I don't have to worry about that no more.

That was the new owner's baby.

I really find snakes creepy.

I saw one once at the _Windhoek show_.

At the _snake park._

Less than ten centimetres in length.

It was the scariest snake I have ever seen.

Apparently from _South America_.

It seemed to be blue, purple, grey.

But all this as if it was see-through.

Or more like it was blurry.

Or the snake made your eyes think it was a blur on the ground.

Really freaky.

In plain sight.

But so difficult to see.

More strange things the Lord made.

I closed the door and walked out.

The _cup was full._

It was over.

Now for Simoné.

I must be brave.

I want to be with her.

Forever.

End of Rising of the Sun

Whisperers

My Lord, forgive me and my parents and whoever enters my house a believer and the believing men and believing women. And do not increase the wrongdoers except in destruction. Holy Qur'an Surah Nuh (Noah) 71:28

**Cape Town**

**2013**

For Ivor Price

War! War!! War!!!

Daddy always told me about the war.

At the border.

He told me about the enemy.

_The one who is against you._

He always said that the enemy uses different tactics.

Guerrilla attacks.

Sometimes total genocide.

Therefore, you always had to take great care of your gun.

So you can use it at any time.

Daddy always had a backup pistol.

Even a knife in his boots.

He also told me that the enemy sends spies.

_Yes._

**Spies.**

These you had to blind.

That's exactly what Daddy said.

"Sherwin. The spy, you must blind.

You hear.

In thé **EYE**.

**BLIND**! "

Exactly that.

Uhm.

End War! War!! War!!!

We look over at the waters.

The harbour seemed busy.

Cruise ships leaving the Waterfront.

It was cool.

You could see the mist start to creep across the mountain.

I enjoyed watching it.

The mountain disappearing.

Helicopter seems to be coming from Robben Island's side.

Still haven't been there.

To visit Nelson Mandela's cell.

Perhaps she would take me.

She was reading something about the DA on Twitter.

Simoné was a big DA supporter.

They were apparently already campaigning for the 2014 elections.

Some campaigner tweeted that Justin Bieber looks like Helen Zille.

Poor boy.

Umf.

Politics.

Ha-ah.

Uhm.

I have never voted in my life.

Not even in Namibia.

To me it all just seemed to be a white and black thing.

Perhaps I am wrong.

I found out that Helen Zille is the Premier of the Western Cape.

Here I thought those ladies in the train were off to church.

Ignorant I was.

We take the My Citi and head back to town.

She sure looks beautiful.

She could never not look beautiful.

We walk down the street to Sunrise.

Not too far from where we stayed.

_Gatsby_ 's and salomies they sold.

She loved their salomies.

Said it was the best in Cape Town.

I still had to try a few before I made my decision.

She looks at me and gives me something.

It had the _scroll_ language thing and some English.

She explained to me that it was in Arabic.

From the Qur'an.

_Ayat Al Kursi._

She said it was for protection.

But only if you believed.

She believed.

That's why she always carried it with her.

She told me she even had it with her the day Georgie ruined her surprise.

That must be why it couldn't touch her.

Him.

Maybe that's why _he_ screamed.

Uhm.

I look at her.

She bared with me all this time.

Umf.

"So there you have it.

This is what I found, Simoné.

Cape Town.

The place I hated.

Just wanted to be away from.

Coming here has helped me to face my demons.

Yes.

Make me realise what I had.

The people that love me.

Care for me.

The land itself.

It's my home.

For this land I will fight.

It means nothing without you though."

I look in those beautiful chocolate drops.

Dark-caramel velvet.

I could look into these beauties forever.

She smiles.

That smile that hits you for a homerun.

"Sherwynne, I love you.

Sherwynne, I do."

_End of Cape Town_

_Thank you for reading._

_May the Lord bless you abundantly._

_Ayat Al-Kursi_

_Allah - there is no deity except Him, the Ever-Living, the Sustainer of [all] existence. Neither drowsiness overtakes Him nor sleep. To Him belongs whatever is in the heavens and whatever is on the earth. Who is it that can intercede with Him except by His permission? He knows what is [presently] before them and what will be after them, and they encompass not a thing of His knowledge except for what He wills. His Kursi extends over the heavens and the earth, and their preservation tires Him not. And He is the Most High, the Most Great. (Surah Al-Baqarah 2:255)_

Whisperers

**Surah An Naas**

**(Mankind)**

**(Holy Qur'an 114:1-6)**

Say: I seek refuge with the Lord and Cherisher of Mankind,

2 The King (or Ruler) of Mankind,

3 The God (or Judge) of Mankind,-

4 From the mischief of the Whisperer (of Evil),

who withdraws (after his whisper),-

5 (The same) who whispers into the hearts of Mankind,-

6 Among Jinns and among men.

End of Whisperers

Surrounded by the enemy

**Surah Al-Asr**

**(The Declining Day)**

1. By (the Token of)  
Time (through the Ages),

2. Verily Man  
Is in loss,

3. Except such as have Faith,  
And do righteous deeds,  
And (join together)  
In the mutual teaching  
Of Truth, and of  
Patience and Constancy.

End of Surrounded by the enemy

Nia

**In memory of Marilyn Monroe**

**All references from newspaper articles, remains the property of the authors or newspapers. Movies, Song lyrics and songs mentioned remain the right of owners as well.**

Whisperers

_Hope you read between the lines._

_Lambs for life._

_Salaam._

_Khaleel_

_As Allah wills_

