♪♪♪♪
♪♪♪♪
-I'm a dad.
And like most dads,
I do have a kid.
[ Laughter ]
She's five.
Which is what we named him
[ Laughter ]
She's a good little boy.
I come from a long line of dads.
[ Laughter ]
I was born December 8, 1979.
December 8th, '79.
Man, the '70s were crazy.
[ Laughter ]
Everybody's pooping their pants.
There's boobs everywhere.
[ Laughter ]
Every nap I woke up from, poop
in my pants, boobies in my face.
[ Laughter ]
It was a different time.
My son listens to me.
And if he doesn't understand
what I'm saying, he's curious.
Recently, I had gotten him
some ice cream,
and I was driving him to dro
him off at his mom's house
And I said, "Hey, buddy.
Maybe don't tell your mom
about the ice cream.
Because you know what they say
'Loose lips sink ships.'"
And he said, "What does
'loose lips sink ships' mean?"
I said, "I love you, man."
[ Laughter ]
"You're so inquisitive."
You know?
Interesting story actually
A gentleman set sail from Europe
a long time ago,
looking for a new world,
a new land.
Nobody thought it existed.
But he found it.
It's called America.
It's where you were born, son.
You're an American.
But what a lot of people
don't know is that
there was another boat tha
took off before that boat.
And it would have found Americ
first except everybody die
because the captain told his mom
about the ice cream.
[ Laughter ]
So "loose lips sink ships.
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪♪♪
My son witnessed a death.
He saw a bird fly into
the window of his play room,
and it fell to the ground.
He wanted to see it,
so we went outside.
And there we were, standing over
what I knew was a dead bir
but what my son thought
was a bird.
Because he doesn't know what
death is.
And I realized in that momen
that I might have to explain
death to a 5-year-old boy.
And it seemed like it would be
easier if I could somehow
gather up all of the birds
in the neighborhood
and explain windows...
[ Laughter ]
...than to explain death
to a 5-year-old.
"Gather 'round, birds.
I know it's a Tuesday.
I'm going to make it fast.
Let's talk about windows.
You're going to see clear
squares and big solids.
Don't even try it.
You're never gonna
get to the couch.
Now, let's talk about
Windows 95."
[ Laughter ]
"We lost a lot of birds
to windows that year."
My parents conceived me
on a waterbed.
Which explains
my fear of drowning
while my parents are having sex.
[ Laughter ]
How about we end on
a happy note?
I want to be happy.
You guys are here in
the pursuit of happiness.
It's noble.
If I see somebody
that's happy in public,
I'm not afraid to ask them
I want to know why
because I want it.
And I saw a guy and he had it.
He just looked happy.
And I walked up to him
and I said,
"Sir, I need to know your secret
to life, to happiness."
And I'll never forget
what he said.
He said, "I'm nine years old."
[ Laughter ]
And I said,
"Well, how'd you do that?"
And he said, "I'm scared."
[ Laughter ]
I said,
"I'm scared, too, buddy."
[ Laughter ]
"It's a crazy world out there.
And I'll never forget the last
thing he said as he ran away
"Where's my mom?"
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Nick Thune!
[ Cheers and applause ]
I love you, man.
Nick Thune.
For more, follow him @nickthune.
