- [] Fine.
Let's do it, bitches.
Let's do it.
(tense music)
- Hello.
Today, we're talking
about Frances Cleveland,
wife of Grover Cleveland.
(militaristic march music)
So, like, basically, Grover Cleveland
gets elected President.
And he was just like a fat, lonely man
living alone in that White House.
He was like, "Okay, I'm in
a very unique situation.
I'm not married.
And like, I need to shake this,
going to, like, be the First Lady."
Rose Cleveland, Grover's
lesbian sister, was like,
"Let's invite the Emma Folsom lady
to a White House something."
Emma went to the White
House, and everyone was like,
"I think he's going to marry Emma Folsom.
Like, that's going to be
the way this shakes down."
Groves kinda saw Emma's daughter Frances,
beautiful 21-year-old girl.
And he was like, "How can I hit that?"
It was romantic.
He wound up being like,
"Let's just, you and
me, take a little tour
of this White House situation."
He took her out to some balcony
that's all (beep) romantic or whatever.
And he was just like, "Look
at this, like, look at this."
He's like, "I live in the most
expensive house in America.
It's (beep) fabulous."
So she looked at it, and
was like, "This is fabulous.
I could maybe see myself
being the First Lady."
But then, Emma Folsom saw
that Grover was jocking
on her daughter Frances.
She was like, "Okay.
Like, I think you're about to
get with the guy that I like,
which is, like, bogus.
You just, like, get out of the country."
So she sends her to
Europe for like one year
after her graduation.
But unbeknownst to her own damn self,
Grover Cleveland wrote
Frances a letter and was like,
"Let's get married." (laughs)
Frances wrote back, like,
"Yes, I will marry you."
It was like a Chloe and Lamar
nine-day wedding situation
where they very quickly
announced their engagement.
Grover was like,
"Frances is, like, gonna
be the main bitch."
The press freaked out.
Grover was like, "Okay, well,
I will be fully committed
to a certain woman.
I will be fully committed to
a woman as my husband, wife.
(laughs) Wait, what was I saying?"
I didn't eat today. That's so bad.
- [Man] We need to get some food in you.
- Okay. Wait, let's see you.
Oh, honey, cute. I'm so proud of you.
One, place frog and nuggets. (laughs)
Okay.
Thank you. Thank you.
- [Man] What do you think?
- Killin' it.
So they did that, and
the press was hounding.
This was the first time that
some president married a girl
while he was in the White House.
She's kind of like an It girl.
Every time she was on a magazine cover,
they would move mad units.
It's like her image was really exploited,
and people were putting her everywhere,
everything from household
cleaning products
to small personal items like
pill boxes, wooden things,
because they felt that like,
"Yeah, this girl will sell (beep)."
But she is like, "Whatever.
You guys can, like, bastardize me
and turn me into all of these
different commercial products.
Actually, I'm a college-educated
woman. I'm put together.
And like, people are
interested in me and in a way
that they haven't been
interested in other First Ladies,
and I'm gonna, like, blow that up.
Like, if everyone's gonna
be paying attention to me,
let's make sure they're
paying attention to me
for the right reasons.
And by the way, I would
like to be called Frank.
I mean, you can call me Frances,
or you can call me Frank.
But mostly Frank."
- [Man] It's pretty cool girls saying
she wants to be called Frank.
- I mean, that's the thing
is she is a down-ass bitch.
She's like, "Every single
Saturday, I'm going to meet
with the working women of Washington."
And there will be lines forming
outside of the White House.
Frances Cleveland saw two young girls
eating out of dumpster one day.
She's like, "That's not right.
Like, this is not right."
And so, she started a charity called
The Home for Friendless Colored Girls.
"I'm gonna say, like, that's
a brutal name for a charity."
(dog growling)
(shushes)
Can you be quiet? Wait one second.
Okay. That's good.
But she had all this (beep) going on.
So, Grover, he was like, "I
don't want my wife, especially.
Women shouldn't bother
their head with politics.
But like, especially my wife,
should not be bothering her
head with politics, like, she."
Hold on, where's my lighter?
"Thank you."
She was the one that said,
"Yeah, okay, like, yeah.
Okay, Groves, like, you're like,
you're telling me that I
can't have a political opinion
or telling me whatever,
but like, (beep) it.
These are my girls. Like,
I'm gonna have these people.
I'm going to shake all of their hands.
I'm gonna hear their thoughts.
I'm gonna hear their voices."
And she went out of her
way to support women.
She was so charitable. She never stopped.
And on her very last
day in the White House,
23,000 people came up to meet her.
And she was like, "Thanks so much."
She's great. Honestly,
I'm in love with her.
I think she's the
greatest First Lady ever.
- [Man] Cheers.
- Cheers to day drinking.
- Day drinking.
- College.
- Hello, I'm Ryan Gaul.
Today, We're talking
about the mysterious death
of James Callender.
(eerie acapella music)
- [Taran] Mr. Gaul?
- [Ryan] Yes?
- So where does our story begin?
- None of your business.
- [Taran] Okay.
- No. (laughs)
Alright.
Richmond, Virginia.
July 17th, 1803.
James Callender is
found floating face down
in the James River.
How did he get there?
Are you curious?
- Very.
- Well, in order to find out,
we need to go back 10 years to 1793.
James Callender, Scottish
immigrant, salacious journalist,
and a drunk gets a job as a stenographer
with the New Congress.
And he's like, "Guess what?
I don't trust any of these assholes.
And I don't, I don't
buy what they're doing."
He is suspicious to the
point where he starts
digging up information on them.
And so James Reynolds shows up at a bar
and says to Alexander Hamilton,
"Hey, unless you pay me, I am
going to let this story out,
that you were (clears throat)
(stammering) bangin' my wife."
So, Hamilton is writing him a check,
but more importantly,
he's writing the check
from the United States Treasury.
So Callender's like, "Hamilton's
not only having an affair,
but he's taking money from our government?
Like, how dare he do that?"
And he basically, with one article,
ruined Hamilton's career.
Hamilton is like, "God damn you." (laughs)
"God damn you, James
Callender, you son of a bitch."
Gone, Callender sits back and was like,
"That's where I get my high."
But out of the shadows
comes Thomas Jefferson.
And it was like, "Hey, I saw
what you did with Hamilton.
Nice work.
John Adams, right now,
is a sitting President."
Callender goes, "Uh, duh."
Jefferson's like, "I wanna be President.
Take Adams out. I will hook you up."
Callender's like, "I doubt
you can do what I want,
because I want to become the
Postmaster General of Richmond.
And Jefferson goes, (scoffs)
"Dude, I shit Postmaster Generals
of Richmonds for breakfast."
(laughing)
Callender goes, "Fine,
let's do it, bitches.
Let's do it."
Callender writes a new article.
He calls Adams pro-monarch.
That was bad.
John Adams is sitting
there going like, "What?
No, I am not. I am not pro-Monarch."
But the people believe it immediately.
So, Jefferson becomes President,
but guess who's going to jail.
Callender!
For sedition charges.
Basically, writing to create
revolt against the government.
And Callender's like,
"This is pretty rough,
but Jefferson promised
me this'll be worth it."
And Jefferson is like,
"Holy shit. I'm President.
Adams is out, I'm in. And Callender...
(gasps) Holy shit, Callender's in jail.
Hey, hey Jerry?
Jerry, can we pardon, uh?
Can we pardon?
(Taran laughing)
Callender?
And Jerry's like, "Nah, yeah,
we can pardon anyone we want.
You're the god damn President."
He goes, "Okay, pardon Callender."
He gets out of jail,
runs to see Jefferson.
He's like, (scoffs) "Thomas,
That was awesome. We did it.
Let's make me the Postmaster
General of Richmond."
And Jefferson literally was like,
"Yeah, um, Jerry, could you
please pay Callender $50,
and then escort him out?"
Callender's like, "Are you kidding me?
I'll take the $50 for sure,
but guess what, Jefferson?
You wanna mess with me?
I got one gun, and that's called gossip.
And kaput, awesome.
Gossip, gossip, gossip, gossip.
Gossip, gossip, gossip, gossip."
Sorry, that's my pillow,
so it doesn't matter.
And so, Callender puts
out a piece of information
so damning nobody could survive it.
"Hey, guess what?
Jefferson's not as cool as you think.
He is having an affair with Sally Hemings.
Who's Sally Hemings? Oh, just his slave."
Everyone is like, "What?
Are you kidding me?"
- What did Jerry think
about that pamphlet?
(laughing)
- So Jerry is like, "Did
you hear about this?"
And Jefferson goes, "Don't put it so close
to my face, Jerry."
And Jerry goes, "I can do nothing right.
I can do nothing right."
And by the way, Jerry?
80 years old.
(laughing)
So everyone's looking to
Jefferson to see what he says,
but guess what?
He decides to ignore it.
He just goes, "Hmm, I'm sorry.
I don't know what you mean.
I don't know."
And he's slowly backing out the door,
and Callender's like, "No, no, no, no, no.
You can't leave. You have to address this.
Everybody in my past
has address these things
as they have come up,
and he's just goes, "No.
Bye."
And Callender's jaw dropped.
"What did he just pull on me?"
And because he didn't care,
the people didn't really care as much.
They're like, "Hey, Callender, Callender?
Nice try, you dink."
His drinking got worse.
He's broke.
Here we are in 1803.
So what happened?
Did he walk down to the James River
and maybe he was too
wasted and he stumbled?
Boom, hit his head, floated
out to the middle and died?
That's possible.
Or was something more sinister going on?
He had a lot of enemies at that point:
Hamilton, Adams, Jefferson.
They're founding fathers of America.
And to think that they are
suspects in a murder mystery
is sort of mind-blowing.
- I mean, try to name three bigger names.
- The Rock?
- Well, I mean, when it comes to-
- Sandra Bullock.
- Founding our nation.
- Jack McBrayer?
- Jack McBrayer is actually
the answer we were looking for.
Congratulations.
Hi guys.
I murdered James Callender.
- I'm peeing myself.
(triumphant music)
