- I do have a wife, we have sex.
Are you guys having sex out there?
(audience laughing)
(audience cheering)
- You like that segue?
(audience laughing)
You know what I like about sex?
I like sex 'cause you keep learning.
You know what I mean?
Like I've been having sex
for a number of years,
but like sometimes I still feel like
it's a learning experience.
Like recently my wife and I had sex,
she had a cold, we had sex anyways.
She's a real trooper, you know.
In the middle of the sex she coughed
and it ejected my penis out of her body.
Did you guys know that happens?
(audience laughing)
Not a little bit, a hundred
percent out of her body.
It was like (coughs),
I was like, whoa, what!
It was like a magic trick.
Evidently that's one,
two, all the way down,
ear, nose, throat, vagina, it's EMTV.
(audience laughing)
I was like, I gotta get some
cough drops or a bigger dick.
Something has to change here.
Ladies, did you know, you can do that?
Next time you're having sex with your man
and he's not given to the way you like it,
just give him a good (coughs)
(audience laughing)
don't come back here
with that weak ass shit.
I'll cough you right out
of this relationship.
I was nervous to get back in there.
I'm like, if she sneezes, I'm gonna to be
dead on the ceiling over here.
But I got back in there, back
on the horse, as they say.
The horse being my wife in
this particular situation.
She's more of a pony,
she's very petite, but.
I got in there, I was really
holding onto that headboard
'cause I was nervous, and
then she did have to sneeze.
I thought she was having
an orgasm at first.
They sound similar.
She's like, huh,
for like one second I was like,
I'm fucking hitting it today, yeah.
Then she sneezed and blew it in my face.
I was like, oh, that makes more sense.
(audience laughing)
Then I came and said, God bless you,
so that was kind of hot, it was fun.
That's actually a better time
to say, God bless you really.
(audience laughing)
Sex is fun, I love it.
Sex is different when
you're married though,
'cause I'm like, I'm a dirty guy,
like I like to get dirty
and weird, you know.
Like I'm a dirty guy,
but like when you're married
you can't get too dirty
'cause you have to segue back into your
regular life together.
You know what I mean?
Like when you're single,
you can say crazy shit,
you can do whatever.
You'd be like, I can't
ever see this person again.
That was weird.
But when you're married,
it's hard to be like, step on
my balls and choked me bitch.
And then five minutes later you're like,
I'll do the dishes if
you vacuum, is that cool?
Sorry about earlier, I don't
know what happened there.
(audience laughing)
That's why I go entry level, dirty talk.
Just kind of regular.
You know what I mean?
Like the other day we were having sex
and I don't wanna get too
graphic out of respect,
but she was on top and
I went, yeah, fuck me.
That's something, right?
Standard.
And then she said, "I am".
I had to be like, no, I know,
I know you are.
It was more of a rhetorical.
Then I tried to cough her off of me.
I wanted to see if I could
do it to her and kind of.
Nothing doing.
I gotta do some kegels or something.
(audience laughing)
I love my wife.
I love her family.
She has a sister, we're buddies.
I was hanging out my wife's
sister the other day and,
you ever send a text message too quick
and you miss a letter or a word
and it like changes the whole text?
We've all had that.
I had that happen recently.
I was hanging out my sister
in law and my wife texted
and she wrote, how's things
going with my sister?
And I wrote back, great,
she's a lot of fun.
I wish you were her.
(audience laughter)
That's a bad text.
I meant to write, I wish
you were here, obviously.
I felt bad.
I had to call her.
I was like, I didn't mean to
write that I was distracted.
I was trying to fuck your sister,
but I got a little confused.
I wish you were here so we
can all fool around a little,
you know, like in the movies.
It's weird when you date or
marry someone with a sibling
because siblings tend to look alike
'cause they have the same parents,
but you're supposed to be
attracted to the sibling
because it's inappropriate,
but they look alike.
You gotta pretend they don't.
You gotta be like, baby,
you're the most beautiful woman
I've ever seen in the whole world.
But this younger version of
you is very off putting to me.
I would never be attracted to a
slightly newer version of you.
I don't, it's good.
(audience laughter)
But I'm very attracted to my wife
because you wanna, I want her
to be like attracted to me.
I don't know, it's hard, 'cause
like, when you're married,
you want the person to
be attracted to you.
I Googled things that
are sexy to women and
you shouldn't do that.
That's a mistake.
I read about 25 articles.
I had none of the things
in any of the articles,
which was a bummer.
One thinks that making the bed is sexy.
I make the bed but I feel like
that's a bullshit article.
That's just a woman trying
to get guys to make her bed,
I'm pretty sure.
Like someone was like,
put down making the bed.
Let's see if they try that.
Her editor was like,
that's not really sexy.
She's like, I know, but
let's get our beds made
if nothing else.
These guys are idiots.
I don't picture a woman to be like,
ooh, look at the way he
snaps out the wrinkles.
That's so hot.
Somethings I think it
should be sexy to women,
but they're not, like I
don't understand women.
Like the other day I
was putting my socks on
and my foot just ripped right through it.
I was like (blows air powerfully).
I turn to my wife, I'm like, ah?
(audience laughing)
You want a bang or what?
She's like, what are you talking about?
I'm too much, man.
That's what I'm talking about.
My god damn socks can't
even contain me anymore.
She was like, no, you idiot,
you have a hole in the toe.
I'm like, all right, whatever it is.
