WE'RE ALSO LEARNING MORE ABOUT
THE WEIRD CONSPIRACY THEORIES
THAT ARE SUCKING TRUMP DOWN THE
WHIRLPOOL OF SHAME AND I'LL TELL
YOU ALL ABOUT IT IN TONIGHT'S
"DON AND THE GIANT IMPEACH."
>> THE COUNTRY'S GONNA GO TO
HELL!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> STEPHEN: YESTERDAY, THE
INSPECTOR GENERAL OF THE STATE
DEPARTMENT RUSHED TO CAPITOL
HILL FOR AN URGENT BRIEFING WITH
THE LEADERS OF THE HOUSE OF
REPRESENTATIVES.
EVERYONE WONDERED WHAT COULD BE
SO URGENT.
DID HE HAVE MORE TRANSCRIPTS OF
TRUMP'S PHONE CALLS?
MORE INCRIMINATING EMAILS FROM
POMPEO?
SPOILERS FOR THE NEW SEASON OF
"YOUNG SHELDON?"
( LAUGHTER )
HE'S SLIGHTLY OLDER.
TURNS OUT, NONE OF THAT.
TURNS OUT, THE INSPECTOR GENERAL
WANTED TO GIVE CONGRESS A
"MYSTERIOUS" PACKET OF UKRAINE
DISINFORMATION THAT MEMBERS OF
CONGRESS DESCRIBED AS "BIZARRE
AND CONFUSING."
WHICH WAS TOUGH BECAUSE "BIZARRE
AND CONFUSING" ARE ALSO THE
SECRET SERVICE CODE NAMES FOR
DON JR AND ERIC.
( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
NOT SURE WHICH IS WHICH ONE.
>> Jon: ERIC IS THE TALL ONE?
>> Stephen: DON, JR.
>> Jon: I REMEMBER.
>> Stephen: THIS MYSTERY
PACKET INCLUDED DEBUNKED
SMEARS AGAINST, AMONG OTHERS,
HUNTER BIDEN AND THE FORMER U.S.
AMBASSADOR TO UKRAINE.
IT IS A UNFATHOMABLE MYSTERY WHO
WOULD WANT TO CIRCULATE SUCH
DISCREDITED-- AND IT'S GIULIANI.
( LAUGHTER )
BECAUSE LAST NIGHT, RUDY
ADMITTED IT WAS HIM TO CNN, BUT
IT WAS
ALREADY PRETTY OBVIOUS
CONSIDERING THE PACKET CONTAINED
SEVERAL FOLDERS THAT APPEARED TO
HAVE COME FROM A TRUMP HOTEL AND
COPIES OF INTERVIEW NOTES
BEARING THE ADDRESS OF
MR. GIULIANI'S NEW YORK OFFICE.
OOPSA-DUMMY.
THAT'S LIKE IF BRUCE WAYNE'S
HOUSE HAD A SIGN THAT SAID:
"WELCOME TO WAYNE MANOR, HOME OF
THE BAT CAVE."
( LAUGHTER )
THE PACKET WAS ORIGINALLY SENT
TO SECRETARY OF STATE MIKE
POMPEO, SEEN HERE SUBMISSIVELY
EXPOSING HIS NECK TO OUR
SILVERBACK PRESIDENT.
( LAUGHTER )
ACCORDING TO ONE OF POMPEO'S
AIDES, THE SECRETARY OF STATE
"PRESUMED THE MATERIAL WAS FROM
THE WHITE HOUSE."
HE PRESUMED.
MAYBE BECAUSE IT CAME OVER IN
THIS WEIRD ENVELOPE ADDRESSED TO
POMPEO BY A WEDDING INVITATION
CALLIGRAPHER.
LAUGH
INSIDE IT GAVE HIM THE OPTION OF
CHICKEN, FISH, OR TREASON.
( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
AND THE RETURN ADDRESS IS "THE
WHITE HOUSE" IN WHAT LOOKS TO BE
HARRY POTTER LETTERS.
( LAUGHTER )
NO SURPRISE, GIULIANI DID START
HIS LIFE AS A HOUSE-ELF.
( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT.
CARRIE UNDERWOOD IS HERE!
BUT WHEN WE RETURN,
"MEANWHILE!"!
STICK AROUND!
