[BLUES MUSIC PLAYING]
GOON: If it weren't
Turtle what done
it, who was it, then?
FRANKY: It was McFadden.
You could tell by
his wangdoodle.
GOON: What the hell is this?
VAMPIRE: My vampire clan and I
decided to spend this lovely
afternoon playing an
exhilarating game of baseball.
FRANKY: What?
GOON: I don't know even
where to begin.
So I think I'll just start
punching the lot of you.
VAMPIRE: Hold!
Think not that we
are powerless.
Let's give it to them, fellas.
Sparkle!
GOON: You've got to be [BLEEP]
[BLEEP]
me.
Give me that bat, you
fruity [BLEEP].
NARRATOR: And Goon did lay upon
them a mighty beating
that was heralded through
the ages for its
ferocity and magnitude.
Henceforth, that day was known
as St. McClubbin's Day, when
the people, after consuming
large quantities of cake and
beer, would take to the streets
with stone and brick
to smash the faces of those
deemed too pretty and too
stupid for their own good.
GOON: Look, people, I know you
probably want 22 pages of me
making smart-ass remarks about
sparkly vampires and beating
the snot out them, but
it's too easy.
VAMPIRE: How could you?
Look at these abs!
[CRACK]
GOON: Frankly, basting these
sissies in the chops is a
waste of my freaking time.
I could get a more rewarding
fight out of that granny.
GRANNY: Oh, I'm way more man
than those twinkly [BLEEP].
[MUSIC - DELIBES, LAST
NOTES OF "THE
FLOWER DUET" FROM "LAKME"]
GOON: But what we are gonna do
is spend this issue getting to
the real root of the problem.
FRANKY: That's right.
Evil like this wouldn't exist
if it wasn't for one thing--
tween girls.
POLICE OFFICER: We got a
kid here to drop off.
MCGREG: Another sow to feed.
Worthless animals.
POLICE OFFICER: Uh, yeah.
Just sign the paper.
POLICE OFFICER: Should
we have warned her?
POLICE OFFICER: Ain't
our problem now, and
thank Christ for that.
CHARLOTTE: I always wanted
another girl to play with.
You boys smell like a boot,
and you got no class.
[HOCKS A LOOGIE]
PEEWEE: Hey.
CHARLOTTE: What's your name?
Hey, kid.
I said, what's your name?
SMITTY: What's them poles doing
tied around your neck?
DOG: She must got the rabies.
MCGREG: You mules get
to bed, or I'll burn
you with the poker.
SPECS: Let's poison Old Lady
McGreg again tomorrow.
I'm tired of that poker.
PEEWEE: That kid is
creeping me out.
SMITTY: She's the devil!
[SCREAMING]
DOG: I might got but one leg,
but I'm still a werewolf.
SMITTY: Get her!
CHARLOTTE: We was gonna be
friends, you weirdo!
[WAILING]
DOG: She done slithered down
that hole in the floor.
SMITTY: OK, Dog, you sit on that
bucket while the rest of
us get some shuteye.
[SNORING]
DOG: This ain't no good
for me at all.
PEEWEE: Ah, she's back!
Why didn't you stay
on the bucket?
DOG: I was hungry, and
I had to go toilet.
PEEWEE: You had a bucket.
SMITTY: Well, McGreg ain't gonna
do nothing about this.
PEEWEE: Yeah, she'd like
it if we got eaten.
SMITTY: Best we should
tell the Goon.
SPORTS ANNOUNCER:
Canners flagged
for unnecessary roughness.
GOON: Aw, come on, ref.
That was just a little
eye gouge.
SMITTY: Hey, Goon, there's a
man-eating girl living in a
hole in our floor.
SPORTS ANNOUNCER: Chipmunks now
have the ball on the 34.
GOON: Quiet, kid.
I'm watching the game.
SMITTY: But she's a man-eater,
and Dog can't stay on that
bucket forever.
GOON: Hush, kid.
SPORTS ANNOUNCER: He
goes back to pass.
Intercepted!
The Canners win!
DRUNK: Hey, I won?
FAN: Holy [BLEEP].
The Canners won a game.
GOON: The Canners won a game!
Drinks are on me.
CHARLOTTE: Great.
They'll be here all night.
SMITTY: Don't worry.
I'll handle this.
SMITTY: Norton, give me 52 shots
of your finest gutrot,
on the Goon.
NORTON: Sure thing, kid.
[MUSIC - TRIUMPHANT
BRASSY CHORD]
SMITTY: There you go, Goon.
Drink up.
GOON: And I says--
I says, hey, that's
not a football.
That's a ham.
And he says, it's a ham.
So I broke both his legs
and pooped in his hat.
The end.
SMITTY: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's a great story, Goon.
Now you gotta come
home with us.
GOON: You got spaghetti there?
SMITTY: Tons.
GOON: OK, then.
CHARLOTTE: He's plastered
out of his gourd.
What good is he gonna
be to us?
SMITTY: Hey, a drunk Goon is
better than no Goon at all.
[SLAM]
SMITTY: Right this way.
GOON: I like this place.
It's shabby.
You kids don't put on airs.
MCGREG: What are you
swine doing coming
in here after curfew?
And who's that?
GOON: Hey, gorilla.
Where's this spaghetti I've
heard so much about?
SMITTY: She ate all the
spaghetti, Goon.
GOON: Stupid, greedy,
spaghetti-eating gorilla!
SPECS: I think he's
killed her.
PEEWEE: Bonus.
CHARLOTTE: You were
right, Smitty.
Drunk Goon is better.
[CREAK]
SMITTY: OK, Goon, get her!
GOON: Get what?
Oh.
Hi, kid.
Seen any spaghetti
about this place?
[WAILING]
[GRUNTING]
GOON: She's eating me.
I'm going home.
You kids are little--
you ripped my vintage
Fish Canners jersey.
[CRASH]
[WAILING]
[INTENSE SCREECH
SPECS: Gah, what's that noise?
CHARLOTTE: It's as if a gang of
prepubescent boys with no
testicles were singing
in harmony.
SMITTY: Yes, it is like some
sort of unholy crime from a
band made up of boys, or a boy
band, with tiny, prepubescent
soul patches on their chins.
DOG: Ah, the sound alone is
making my testes smaller.
[WHIMPERING]
CHARLOTTE: Wow, she
just fizzled up.
MAN: I heard tell that only
hallowed ground could put an
end to evil of that sort.
That, and college.
GOON: I'm gonna get a meatball
sub and vomit.
MCGREG: Godforsaken kids!
Get in here and go to bed, or
I'll burn the soles off your
feet with a cigar!
SMITTY: Eh, crap.
She ain't dead.
PEEWEE: Guess you can't
win them all.
[PIANO MUSIC]
MALE SPEAKER: It's
a phrase I've
learned on 1,000 TV shows.
Is there a problem, officer?
Don't see me as I am, don't
see me as I am.
