(SCHWORNGK. Phleeighm!)
(clicking)
(curtain rising)
- Welcome one and all to Puppet
History: Online University!
Today, we'll be taking
an ever-winding look
at yet another chapter
in the heavy, heavy book
we call history while our
guests ruthlessly compete
for the covenant title of History Master.
I am obviously your beloved
host, The Professor.
Ryan Bergara, are you ready?
- Why is there no hat on
that fuzzy blue nut sack
of a head of yours?
- I'm letting my dome breathe, bro.
- I think it looks beautiful.
Thank you, Kristin.
Speaking of which, Kristen
Chirico, our special guest.
Are you ready?
- (clapping) I'm so ready!
- Then let's crack in!
(trumpets blowing)
All right, so what,
before we get into this,
you got some qualms with
my fashion choices here?
- Yeah, you look like
you're on a Run DMC video.
- No, I'm lean, I'm limber.
I'm limbered up.
I'm ready to go.
- Are you supposed to be
dressed like an Olympic athlete?
- Yes!
- Or a Russian mafia member?
- Wait, was I right?
- You were correct.
Kristen gets a history point!
- Yes!
- There it is.
- You know, on that
topic, I'd love to know.
What are your favorite Olympic sports?
- Oh, what aren't my
favorite Olympic sports?
- Oh, boy.
- Swimming, gymnastics.
- Sure.
- I love track and field.
- Yeah.
- Women's volleyball.
- Absolutely!
- Some of the winter ones are fun,
like ice skating and the one
where you're like skiing,
but you have a sniper rifle.
- Yeah, it's biathlon.
It's part skiing, part shooting.
All awesome.
- Well, for my jelly beans,
there's nothing quite
like the Olympic games.
Nations from every corner of the globe
coming together every two years
to put aside their differences
and unite in a shared activity.
Scolding Russia for pumping their athletes
full of illegal drugs!
And other sports.
- (laughing) Wow!
- You know, I'm taking Russia to task.
I don't care.
- They're gonna come for you.
- Yeah, whatever.
Come at me, Putin!
(beeping)
- So wait, what does the
jacket have to do with this?
Is this a tracksuit?
- This is more than just a track suit.
Hang on a sec.
(grunting)
(mysterious zipping)
Huh!
- Oh, is this a gymnastics suit?
It's a gymnastics outfit.
- It's a little onesie.
- That's good.
- Yeah.
Now it's less weird that
you don't have pants on.
(laughing)
- Well, the Olympics haven't
always been a guaranteed
rip-roaring great time.
In fact, at the beginning
of the 20th century,
the world saw an Olympic games
that was such a catastrophe,
it jeopardized the future
of the event entirely.
Today, we're talking about the disastrous
1904 St. Louis summer Olympic games.
- Oh, I know about this!
Is this the one where the guy-
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
No spoilies, Kristin!
(laughing)
But already impressed that you have a bit
of a grasp on this one.
So you know what?
- Here comes a history point.
- A history point for Kristin!
- Oh, yay!
(laughing)
- Shocker.
- Wow.
- It's like clockwork.
I haven't even opened my marker yet.
- Exactly.
- Around the dawning of the 20th century,
The International Olympic Committee
was in a bit of a pickle.
They'd recently revived the Olympic games
for the modern era with the intention
to repeat the games every four years
as a big international spectacle,
but they weren't only
having middling success.
How middling?
Well in 1900, the games were held in Paris
and not only were they
overshadowed by the World's Fair
simultaneously occurring in the city,
but they were pretty hilariously slapdash.
Hurdles were built from
broken telephone poles.
Swimming events were
held in the Seine River,
whose strong French current
propelled competitors
to achieve super human times.
What a mess.
- Well, if there's anything
to fall in the shadow of,
it's the World Fair, baby.
So cool.
- Have you ever been to one?
- No, but most of what
we have today is based.
Disneyland is-
- Oh, boy, here we go.
- For the most part, I don't
know if Disneyland would exist
if it wasn't for the World's Fair.
- We don't need to get this
one talking about Disneyland.
(laughing)
- That's true.
- I can't go on any of the rides.
- Oh, because you're too short?
- Too small.
- Oh!
(sad jazz music)
(beeping)
- So after a Parisian
flop, how do you rustle up
renewed public interests
in the Olympic games?
With a little American
razzle-dazzle, that's how!
Whoa, trivia!
And this should be an easy one
because I already said a thing about it.
What city did the IOC
award the 1904 Olympics to?
A, Chicago, B, St. Louis, or C, Detroit.
- Is this a trick question?
- I'm not here to trick you.
I'm here to go on a magical
adventure with you all.
Beef Boy, you got to answer for us?
- Yeah, B, St. Louis.
There you go.
- Kristen.
- I'm also gonna say B, St. Louis.
- Oh, that's a great B.
- What in the?
That looks like an ass crack.
- No, now it does.
No, well, yeah.
- Kinda no matter which
way you do it there.
Ass.
- Points to neither of you
because it was a nasty
little trick question.
I'm a nasty little boy.
- Wow.
(laughing)
Wow.
- They actually picked Chicago.
Huh?
Yes!
What?
Well, let me explain.
Organizers of the 1904
St. Louis World's Fair
were nervous that a
competing international event
in the American Midwest,
i.e., a Chicago Olympics,
would hurt fair attendance.
So obviously, the powers
that be in St. Louis
started a-scheming about
how to swipe the games
from the windy city.
♪ Ba ba ba dum ♪
- What did St. Louis do?
A, they halted all railroad traffic
passing through St.
Louis bound for Chicago.
B, they threatened to hold
a competing sporting event.
Or C, they sought help from a fickle genie
who keeps making things
worse, no matter what you say!
(laughing)
- I don't think it's C, but
I appreciate the whimsy.
- It's not whimsical.
It's devastating.
How are you guys doing?
You locked in?
- I'm ready, I'm ready.
- Beef boy, what he got?
- I got A for choo choo train.
- And Kristen?
- I also have A for choo choo train
because the trains that
went through St. Louis
were like, critical to the
economic infrastructure
to the rest of the country.
- Jelly beans for neither of you!
- Oh, no!
- St. Louis secured 6
million smackers in funding
and went about persuading
the Amateur Athletics Union
to have their national track
and field championships
in St. Louis that summer.
The prestige we now
associate with the Olympics
just wasn't there in 1904.
So it hit, edgy track
and field championships
sponsored by the AAU would
draw America's top athletes
away from the Olympics.
- Is AAU, is that the same thing
that is the basketball organization today?
- I don't fucking know.
(laughing)
- I guess I figured you
would do some research.
- What? (laughing)
- Oh, look at him shake.
Here comes a negative jelly bean.
Give it to me.
- He gets a rotten jelly bean!
A rotten jelly bean for the Beef Boy!
- Why don't you give me
one more year, you coward?
- Two rotten jelly beans!
Keep pushing me!
- You little poo coward.
- Keep pushing me!
- Yeah!
(beeping)
- Chicago had its back against the wall
and asked Baron Pierre de Coubertain,
president of the IOC, founder
of the modern Olympics,
and proud Papa of one wonderful mustache.
Holy cow!
What they should do?
Worried about the future of his games,
de Coubertain buckled to St. Louis' threat
and the gateway city
began preparing to host
both a World's Fair and the
Olympics, a sure-fire success,
given how well it had gone
over in Paris four years prior.
- That sounds busy.
- Yeah, that's a lot.
- Too busy.
- Like, L.A. is supposed
to get some Olympics soon
and everyone I've talked
to is like, how about no?
- How about no, Scott?
- Yeah, Austin Powers.
- Austin Powers, baby. (laughing)
- First to start was the World's Fair,
opening in April of 1904,
a few months before the Olympics
were set to begin in July.
With nearly 20 million people attending
before it closed that December,
the Louisiana Purchase
Exposition sounds like it had
all the things you'd
expect from a World's Fair.
The world's largest organ.
The wood cabin Abe Lincoln grew up in.
A whale skeleton and plenty of new foods,
such as cotton candy and waffle cones.
Imagine like a Six Flags, but you know,
with more whale bones and racism.
Now if that doesn't sound like
your cup of tea, good news!
The Olympics were about
to roll into st. Louis.
But also, bad news.
These particular Olympics
were absolute dog shit.
(laughing)
Now to give you some
scope up top, in 2016,
Brazil hosted the Olympic games in Rio,
which saw more than 11,000 athletes
from 207 countries compete.
♪ Ba ba ba dum ♪
So, how many countries
competed in the 1904 Olympics?
And this is a free write.
- Okay, so I guess I can't say A again.
- Just think of a number
and that's your answer.
- Oh! (grumbling)
- Ryan, what you got?
- I put 12.
- Oh!
- And Kristen?
- I said 11!
- [Ryan And The Professor] Oh, shit!
- I Price is Right'ed you.
- Oh, God damnit.
- You know what?
Ryan, you're getting two
jelly beans for nailing it!
- What?
- Say what you will
about the Show-Me State,
but in 1904 at least, seeing
Missouri, wasn't much incentive
to figure out the logistics
of getting your athletes
across the ocean and then
either up the Mississippi
or across the nation by railroad.
Of the approximately 650 athletes,
fewer than 100 were
from outside of the U.S.
and of those, half were Canadian.
Not even Baron Pierre de Coubertain
could be bothered to make the trip.
Cool.
Nice, dude.
Presumably due to the low athlete count,
participants could join some
competitions at any time,
even from off the street.
I'd hop in to do whatever
they wanted me to do.
Basketball, javelin toss.
Pole vaulting would be really funny
because there's a possibility
the pole would snap
and I'd break my neck.
- That's a plus?
- I mean, could you think of
a more baller way to go out?
- Yeah, living to you're old.
- Yeah. (laughing)
- Eh, overrated.
- Now, apart from low athlete attendance,
these Olympics also saw
some unusual sports.
Americans swept the podium for tug-of-war.
A diving competition
called Plunge for Distance
was basically just the
game you play as kids
where you jump into a pool and
see how far down you can go
without using your arms.
It was also the last time
golf, the most unusual sport,
would be in the Olympics
until the 2016 Rio games.
These were also the only games
to feature something called Roque.
♪ Ba ba da dum ♪
- Explain to me the rules of Roque.
- Oh, no!
This is a free.
Is this-
- You don't even have to write it.
You can just try to explain it to me.
- Okay, well, I will not go first.
- Ryan, explain to me the rules of Roque.
- It's been a while since I've seen Roque,
so I gotta think about it.
- Put yourself in the
mind of a Roque player.
- You know, Roque is this game.
- True.
- Where you take a kind of
substantial bouncy ball,
almost like a medicine ball
with a little bit more bounce.
- Okay.
- And you get one bounce and it has to hit
another contestant right in the nuts.
- Oh.
(laughing)
- Or you Roque them in the nuts,
as they would say on the street.
- Roqued them.
- Yeah, that's how you play Roque.
- Kristen.
- I'm gonna guess that that it's like,
kinda a biathlon type game where like,
you have to race somebody
and at the end of the race,
you have to fight a person.
- Oh.
- So it's like sort of a
racing fighting combination.
- Unfortunately, neither
of you have nailed it.
Sort of a weird mixture
of croquet and billiards,
like croquet with a shorter malate
and walls that you can bank shots off of.
- It sounds like something
you'd spend a lot of money on
to be very bored.
- Oh, for sure.
You guys ever play croquet?
- Yes.
No.
- You've never played croquet?
- I'm an Asian-Hispanic, man.
I've never played croquet.
- I was gonna say,
you've never had a summer
where your parents were
like, really sick of you
and they were like, why
don't we just throw $45
at the problem?
(laughing)
- Now unfortunately for
the folks at the IOC,
as was the case in Paris,
the Olympics were seen
as more of a World's Fair
sideshow than their own event.
Newspaper coverage was spotty at best
and the fair itself had its
own sporting competition.
So while the Olympics as a whole
were a complete embarrassment, the running
of the 1904 Olympic marathon
deserves special attention.
- Yes, it does.
- Kristen, is this
heading in the direction
that you'd prefer it to?
- Yes, it is!
- As long as this ends with
a brown medal, I'm good.
- A brown medal?
- It's when a marathon runner
poops their pants while they're running.
(laughing)
- Yeah, that's true.
Why don't we start with
the marathon course,
which might best be described as sadistic.
There were a total of seven hills,
each between 100 to 300 feet high.
Some of the roads were
strewn with cracked stones,
while others were covered
in inches of dust.
The course wasn't closed,
meaning runners had to dodge
traffic and even trains.
Some cars with trainers and coaches drove
alongside the runners,
kicking dust up into clouds
that runners would then breathe in.
The race also happened to start
at 3:03 PM on an August day
in the humid and 90 degrees
St. Louis summer air.
Oof!
On top of all of these conditions,
organizers tossed in one extra wrinkle.
♪ Ba ba ba dum ♪
What was the dumbest thing
about the 1904 Olympic marathon?
A, it was 15 miles longer
than any previous marathon.
B, runners were allowed
and even encouraged
to trip one another.
Or C, runners weren't
allowed to drink water.
- Oh, I don't know this one!
Oh, man.
- That's okay.
Sometimes you just gotta guess.
- Just going to have to...
- Ryan, what you got?
- Go with C, no agua.
- Kristen.
- I'm gonna go with B, tripping.
B, tripping.
- There you go.
(laughing)
- We've got a little skit for you now.
(laughing) Whoa!
- Oh, and then he died.
Good day to you Jane Sullivan,
my boss and organizer of
the 1904 Olympic games.
Oh, little assistant boy.
You've caught me in a good mood.
The plans are all set and I have no doubt
these will be the finest Olympic games
the world will ever see.
Maybe, though I do have one last question
about your plans for the marathon.
Is it the seven brutal hills?
Do you think we need more?
No.
Is it the cracked stones that runners
will have to dance amongst
like merry minstrels?
Are the stones not large enough?
No, sir, the stones are fine.
Well then, what can it be?
Out with it, boy!
Don't you think the runners need water?
Bah to you, bah!
We are testing the
limits of the human body.
The effects of purposeful dehydration.
If those greedy runners want water,
they can get some from the water tower
at mile six or at mile- fuck!
(coughing)
Sorry, I need some water myself.
I got...
- Jesus Christ, get it together.
(laughing)
- Hoisted on your own petard.
- Yes, yes.
Or the roadside, well,
located somewhere around the mile 12.
That's it!
What if somebody dies?
Well, then they'll have died
far sport and for science!
- Ah, I think my answer
would have been better.
- I have to disagree.
I think the answer that was best
was the one that actually happened.
You're just saying that
because you got points for it.
- (laughing) Yeah, I'm right.
Oh, here we go.
- Oh, is it, are you back?
Is he back?
Where are you?
I miss your little outfit.
Where is-
- Hi.
- Oh, hey, hi.
- Point to Ryan on that one.
- Wow.
- Well, there you go.
James Sullivan's experiment
had 32 test subjects.
The 32 competitors in the marathon,
which included 10 Greek
men who had never run
a marathon before.
Let's meet some of our intrepid athletes.
There was John Lordan, who had won
the previous year's Boston marathon
and so could have been considered
a favorite for the Olympic marathon.
Anyone placing a bet on Lordan, however,
was quickly disappointed as
he started blowing chunks
and dropped out within
the first half mile.
- That's bad.
- Yeah.
- Sorry, I was just
thinking, the thing I like
about your little outfit the best
is that it's actually a
lady's gymnast uniform.
- I wear what feels good.
- That's good.
- And I like to express
myself via my clothing.
- I'm here for it and I'm happy to be-
- What is he doing right now?
- I'm just feeling myself
over here, you know?
(laughing)
- He's dancing.
Love him or die.
- Joining Lordan in
the did not finish club
was William Garcia of
California who, at one point,
collapsed on the side of the road.
Garcia was taken to the
hospital and almost died
with an a esophagus coated in dust
and hemorrhaging from a
ripped stomach lining.
- Holy shit!
- How do you rip your stomach lining?
- Perhaps the only feather
in this marathon's cap
was that it featured
the first ever Olympians
from the continent of Africa.
Len Taunyane and Jan
Mashiane of the Tswana Tribe
of South Africa who were performers
at the World's Fair,
participating in a recreation
of the Boer War.
The men were well-prepared
both for the recreation
and the marathon, as they had
served in the actual Boer War
as dispatch runners.
Taunyane finished ninth.
♪ Ba ba da dum ♪
But what happened to Mashiane?
A, he was chased off course by a dog.
B, he was struck by a milk truck.
Or C, he tripped while
crossing over a bridge
and had to swim to the other side.
- All right.
Sure, I'm just taking a
shot in the dark here.
- All right, Ryan, what do we got?
- I'm gonna go with A, chased
off the course by a dog.
- Kristen?
- I'm gonna also say A, chased by a dog,
because I know somebody was
chased off the course by a dog.
- Points to you both!
A dog chased him for a whole mile.
- Holy shit!
- Marshiane still finished the race,
but we'll check back in with
him later to see how he did.
- He was able to outrun
a dog for a full mile?
- Yeah, that's crazy!
- That's fucking insane!
- Whose dog was it?
Was it a stray dog?
- Yeah, I mean, it's the early 1900s.
I bet there stray dogs everywhere.
Another racer, five foot tall
Cuban mailman Felix Carvajal,
had earned money to pay
his own way to the Olympics
by showing off his running
abilities around Cuba,
even trotting the entire
length of the island.
When he arrived in New Orleans, however,
he lost all of his money gambling,
which meant he had to walk and hitchhike
the more than 600 miles to St. Louis.
Carvajal arrived at the race
shortly before it began,
wearing a white, long sleeve
shirt, long dark pants,
street shoes, and a beret.
Whoa!
(laughing)
Those being his only clothes,
that was what he raced in.
- Yes!
Yes, yes, yes!
- Ain't that like "The Big Easy"?
- Carvajal was also famished.
At one point, he stopped a
car and asked for some peaches
that the occupants were enjoying.
When the riders refused,
the rascally racer
stole some anyways.
What happened to Felix next?
A, he was arrested mid raise for thievery.
B, he stole some more fruit.
C, he fell in love.
- Wait. (laughing)
- What?
- Something to think about.
- I don't think he fell in love.
- You don't know.
- I don't know anything.
- Are we locked in?
- Let's do it.
- I guess so.
Ryan, what do you got?
- I got A for arrested.
- Okay, Kristen?
- I got A for-
- Okay.
- Abolish the police.
- Yeah, sure.
(laughing)
No history points for
that one, unfortunately.
You know what they say
about St. Louis produce.
Yummy!
Along the side of the road
were some apple orchards
and still hungry after his peaches,
Felix decided to grab some.
Unfortunately, the apples gave
him a grumbly little tum tum
and attempting to alleviate
the painful cramps
that resulted, Felix
laid down and took a nap.
- (gasping) Brown medal!
- What?
- Oh.
I thought this was the brown medal.
- Oh no, no, no.
As we learned from the
tortoise and the hare,
while taking a nap
doesn't help one's chances
of winning a race, it is
not a disqualifying action.
We'll check back in with Felix later.
Among the American racers
was Boston brass worker Thomas Hicks.
Thomas was one racer
who had a training team
riding alongside him during the race.
In fact, it was his training team
from whom Felix Carvajal
stole his peaches.
While not pleased about
losing their peaches,
the training team had something else
besides stolen fruit for their man Hicks.
What performance-enhancing drink
did Hicks trainers give him?
A, ocean water.
B, New England clam chowder.
Or C, egg whites and rat poison.
(laughing)
- Ryan, what do you got?
- B, chowder.
- You're a chowder head, huh?
- I'm willing to lose for that one
because I love me some
fucking clam chowder.
- Why do you like liquid fish?
- It's so good.
You put the little oyster crackers in it.
- Oh, I love a chowder.
I love a chowder.
Kristen, what'd you put?
- Can I go?
- Oh yeah, yeah.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Sorry, we were in a
chowder trance there.
- I put C.
- Those keep ending up upside down.
Point to Kristin.
- Yay!
- Hicks trainers gave him
a combination of egg whites
and strychnine while he
was running a marathon
in 90 degree heat.
- Is this back when doctors
were just like, listen,
we've invented tons of drugs
and we don't know what
to do with any of them?
- It feels like a weird
thing to just pull out
and test in the moment.
This feels like something
you should have tested
before the race, maybe.
- It very much feels
like a situation of them
just looking in their bag
to see what they have.
- We got a secret weapon.
The only secret about it is
we don't know what it does.
(laughing)
- Miraculously, it did not kill him,
but we will check in with him later.
While all the racers were slogging
through this absolute hell,
a little more than a third
of the way through the
marathon, New York bricklayer
Fred Lorz adopted a strategy
that gave him a leg up on his competition.
What did Lorz do?
A, he started riding in a car.
B, he took a shortcut that shaved
almost four miles off the course.
Or C, he started drinking water, duh.
Are we locked in?
- Yeah.
- Ryan, what do you got?
- I put A, he hitched it.
He hitchhiked the way.
- Love it.
And Kristen?
- I got a B for he shortcut.
- Around mile nine, Lorz
started to cramp up.
To try to relieve these
cramps, Lorz hopped into a car
and rode four 11 miles.
(laughing)
Point to Ryan.
Lorz wasn't particularly shy
about his tactic, either,
waving at spectators and fellow
runners from the automobile.
- Oh, that's amazing.
- Fellow runners?
- He was just waving at people
as he blew past them in a car.
- I love that.
- Eventually, Lorz hopped out of the car
and ran the final five miles,
crossing the finish line first
to, understandably, tremendous applause.
After all, an American had won, hooray!
Most of the crowd had no way
of knowing that he had done so
by running only about
14 miles of the race.
Alice Roosevelt, daughter of
president Theodore Roosevelt,
placed a wreath upon Lorz's cheating head
and was about to drape the gold medal
around his cheating neck when finally,
someone who knew of Lorz's
treachery shouted, "Imposter!"
In response, it sounds like
Lorz kind of just shrugged
and said he was only goofing
and he was never going to
actually accept the gold medal.
Sure.
Understandably, the crowds
cheers turned into hearty
and deserved boos.
(laughing)
It's like objecting to a wedding.
With Lorz disqualified, who
won the 1904 Olympic marathon?
A, was it Jan, the Boer War
veteran who was chased by dogs?
B, Felix, the fruit napping napper.
Or C, Hicks, the
rat-poisoned brass worker.
What do you got, Ryan?
- B, Felix.
- Kristen.
I'm going to say A, the
guy who was chased by dogs.
- Interesting.
Well, I guess we're about to find out.
Whoa!
well, here he comes, limping into the city
like some sort of mechanical
piece of machinery,
scarcely able to lift his
leg and with barely any signs
of life in his eyes, it's Thomas Hicks,
aided by yet another dose of
egg whites and strychnine,
being carried by that
shady training team of his,
his feet slowly shuffling back and forth.
He's done it!
He's won and he's collapsed.
He's lost eight pounds during the race
and has rat poison
coursing through his veins,
but we'll see if we can
get an interview with him.
Thomas, Thomas!
What say you?
The terrific hills simply
tear a man to pieces.
- What the fuck?
- Points to nobody, by the way.
And that is an actual quote from him.
- I love it.
It's poetic.
- As for the others,
Jan got back on course
and finished 12th while Felix,
the napping fruit napper,
went on to finish fourth,
believe it or not.
Wow!
In total, only 14 of the 32 runners
would even cross the finish line.
James Sullivan's barbaric
marathon was a total failure
and a perfect symbol of the
St. Louis Olympics as a whole.
- What was gained by this?
- Not much.
- Just to seems like a bunch of guys
just made a lot of bad memories.
- Look, hills are very tough.
I ran up a hill going up
La Cienega the other day
and I thought I was gonna die.
- Yeah.
- And I didn't even have rat poison in me!
- Instead of sitting with the
taste of the St. Louis games
in their mouths for four years,
an extra Olympics was
held in Athens in 1906
in an attempt to repair the damage done
to the Olympics' reputation.
20 nations participated
and the intermediary games
helped salvage the idea
of an international athletics competition,
paving the way for the much
improved 1908 London Olympics.
But boy, oh boy, will we never forget
that sexy St. Louis
summer, full of peaches,
poison, and internal hemorrhaging.
Well, that concludes our history lesson.
I'm gonna go tally the
scores to see who receives
the covenant cup and the
title of History Master.
While I do that, please enjoy
this special performance
from the Olympic torch.
Wow, a celebrity!
(cheering)
- I'm so excited!
(laughing)
- That's pretty good.
I like that.
- I have awoken from my four year slumber.
- Look at his little face!
(soft guitar music)
♪ The time has finally come ♪
♪ To play the games of old ♪
♪ There's medals to be won ♪
♪ Can you attain the gold? ♪
♪ Each country sends their best ♪
♪ To put their mettle to the test ♪
♪ How far would you go ♪
♪ To prove your nation beats the rest ♪
♪ Would you run and run and run ♪
♪ Until blood filled up your lungs ♪
♪ Would you steal some fruit to eat ♪
♪ And lumber through the choking heat ♪
♪ Would you climb those dusty hills ♪
♪ Chugging eggs and poison pills ♪
♪ Let a dog tear you apart ♪
♪ Would you get hit by a car ♪
- Sounds like a Pepsi commercial.
♪ You must sacrifice
all for Olympic glory ♪
- Oh, he's not done yet.
♪ I must douse my hellish flame ♪
♪ With your subservient sweat ♪
♪ And return to the dream of slumber ♪
♪ That offers me the only respite ♪
♪ From the wretched, waking life
of an anthropomorphic torch ♪
♪ A box upon the beam that
cursed me with sentient ♪
♪ And would you break all of your bones ♪
♪ For a parade when you get home ♪
♪ Would you scoop out both your eyes ♪
♪ Just to win that fucking prize ♪
♪ There's no such thing as second place ♪
♪ You'd be a national disgrace ♪
♪ Break your body ♪
♪ Sell your soul ♪
♪ You better get that fucking gold ♪
- This is a horrifying song.
- This is great.
- Got to go.
Got to go.
(applause)
- Every one of his songs this season
has had his characters
having an existential crisis
in the middle of the song.
- I feel like that's
every single song ever
and that's what makes them good.
- Wow. what a harrowing
performance from that torch!
He seems like he should talk to somebody.
- Yeah!
- Yeah, it seems like it.
- I was a little worried
about him, but it was a bop.
- Now, you guys aren't gonna believe this.
I am shocked!
Shocked!
To report that Kristin
Chirico is our History Master
and so she has rightfully
owned the coveted cup.
Ryan, thanks for trying.
- Yeah, makes sense.
(laughing) Make sense.
- Kristin, go claim your reward!
(doorbell ringing)
- Wait, what?
- Are you proud of yourself?
- I am, every week.
- Wait, oh! (laughing)
- What's this really about?
- Huh?
- You know exactly what I'm talking about.
- I don't.
- You little blue piece of-
- Little piece of what, huh?
(laughing)
Why don't you say it?
- I need to say it.
- Sounds like you're afraid.
- Yeah, that's what it is.
I'm afraid.
- Hey, Kristin!
- Oh, she's back!
Hey Kristin, how's it going? (laughing)
- I'm back!
- Congrats.
- Being fun, being pals over here.
- Yeah, it was good.
- Look at this little cup of jelly beans!
- Oh, it's cute.
It looks like a lot of
care he put into it.
- Well, you have very
much deservedly won that.
- I get a professor pin?
- Absolutely!
- Oh, man.
- That's much better than money.
- Thank you for watching Puppet History!
We'll see you next week.
Woop!
- He's a dead man.
(upbeat classical music)
♪ Sell your soul ♪
♪ You better get that fucking gold ♪
