Welcome to INFO WARS!
Today, we have acquired a sample
of the secret biological weapon
the Illuminati is using to
TURN. YOU. GAY!
It’s called TAP WATER!
Do not imbibe folks...
this is gay in a glass.
GAY. IN. A. GLASS.
We've seen the documents.
And this is a far-reaching plot
by the demonic globalist goblins who control
EVERY. LEVEL. OF. WORLD. GOVERNMENT.
Except Trump! He’s somehow not involved.
*SMOOCH*
You’ll keep us nice and safe
won't you daddy.
I’m President Donald Trump and I love deals.
I love deals.
Even more than I love beauty pagents!
And believe me there’s no better deal
than becoming a member of
my exclusive club! Mar-a-Lago!
You gotta come down here.
You can meet the top people in the world!
From places I can’t even begin to pronounce,
like Somolimolly and Uzbekisomething!
Members can enjoy a perfectly-cooked
filet in our world-class restaurant!
Only $150. Can you believe it?
Loosen up in our award-winning spa
with a massage from my experts who are
are all wearing masks of my daughter’s face!
She’s a beautiful girl.
Our tremendous caddies make sure your
golf game goes as smoothly as possible!
I'm definitely healthy enough to walk,
I just don't wanna!
Hurry up or I’ll deport you.
I’m from Pittsburgh!
You heard me.
And now the best
And now the best 
part of the whole thing!
part of the whole thing!
fantastic access to me!
The best President of the United States, ever!
SPECIAL BARGAIN!
ONLY $200,000 A YEAR!
CALL NOW!
1-900-US-GREAT
SEND CHECK OR MONEY ORDER TO
MAR-A-LAGO BLIND TRUST!
1600 PENNSYLVANIA AVENUE
C/O THE US FEDERAL GOVERNMENT
WASHINGTON, DC, 20006!
Trump: Call in the next ten minutes,
and you could launch a nuke with me, the president!
I'm told we only have like 2,000 warheads
so supplies are limited.
*Kitten Meow*
*Meow*
*Sighs*
So...what do you do?
I uhh...work at a non-profit.
Really? That’s so great!
I mean, non-profits do so much important work
that those corporate greed machines would never touch.
You must feel really proud
at the end of the day.
What does your non-profit do?
We liquefy rescue kittens with
some chemicals and sell it as an
energy drink for billionaires and trust fund kids.
Uhh...
But, we do not turn a profit!
Uhh listen...
are you guys hiring?
I just can't find a job in this garbage economy.
*Downward Whistle Sound*
*Smashing of Glass*
Nothing says America like big.
Big boots,
big guns,
big buns,
and big bombs.
*CAW*
*EXPLOSION AND SIZZLING*
In April, the United States
dropped a very big bomb.
Yuge.
Huge indeed Mr. Trump.
It was the biggest non nuclear bomb ever used in combat.
It incinerated everything for a thousand yards
and killed 36 people suspected to be part of ISIS.
40 if you're rounding up!
It's an M-O-A-B.
It's so big, it's nickname is,
The Mother of All Bombs.
One bomb costs $170,000.
And there isn't just one MOAB, we made 20.
So that means, we made
$3.4 million worth of MOAB's?
The bombs were originally built under George W. Bush
New toys! Ha ha
For use in the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan.
But then the military decided they weren't necessary.
Aw shucks! I never get to have real fun.
So, all that money?
Don't you worry, voter,
we'll drop these bombs on someone!
I guarantee!
Quick question-
what else could we spend $3.4 million on?
Well, since you asked,
that would pay the salary of
107 new teachers in Mississippi.
or you could fund the average
Pell Grant for 913 students to attend college.
it's a years worth of food stamps
for 2,116 families
Only 2,000 is you're rounding down!
and, just fantasizing here,
it would cover the entire cost of
birth control for 5,666 Americans.
WOOHOO! This is great!
The bombs are just a fraction
of our $6 billion in annual spending.
Yuge.
That's 8.5 times what we spend on education
HEY, WHERE!?
and 20 times what we spend on science
Awh...
and in his budget, Trump wants
to cut social programs to put
even more money into the military.
What the- huh!?
We already spend far more on the military
than any other country in the world.
*Party Horn*
America, first.
Yeah, on funding the military
instead of everything else.
THERE'S A WAR ON FOR YOUR MIND!
Until next week, folks!
Great show Alex,
we sold a lot of Male Vitality formula!
*GROWLING AND GRUNTING*
Soon, all of your listeners will be
transformed into GAY, ILLUMINATI, LIZARDS!
AH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAA!
OK... have a great weekend everyone!
Headed to the Poconos with my family.
