- So I'm talking to a
guy that makes the robots
and he was like, you know,
"Do you want us to make a robot
"with your face on it?"
And I was like, "Ugh, yes."
(audience laughs)
I'm actually in the market
for an engagement gift for my fiance.
So Washington D.C. you are the first crowd
to meet Robot Whitney.
(audience cheers)
(audience claps)
So, I don't know if she
just looks really human,
or if I've just always
looked like a robot,
(audience laughs)
but I would like for you to say hello
to this lovely audience.
- Hey hookers.
(audience laughs)
- I had to do it.
I didn't expect this problem,
but it's weirdly hard to name a robot
that looks like you.
Calling her Robot Whitney
just sounds too narcissistic.
What should we call you lady?
- Please call me Bear Claw.
(audience laughs)
(audience claps)
- So I thought it would be hilarious
to get this made and give it to my fiance,
but he hates it.
(audience laughs)
He's like, "I don't like this
"it's weird, it's creeping me out.
"She just like stares at me all day."
(audience laughs)
I'm like, "Oh really?
"Something staring at you
"making you uncomfortable?
"Now you know what it's like
to be a woman all the time."
(audience laughs)
(audience claps)
"You know that creepy
feeling you have right now?
"That's how we feel when
you try to hug us at work.
"Same thing."
So, I had to go out of
town for a couple days
and I left my fiance alone
with her in the house.
Then I came back.
I was like, "So how did
it go with Bear Claw?"
He was like, "I don't like her.
"I don't like this thing.
"But her boobs feel like boobs."
(audience laughs)
So like, did you fuck my robot?
(audience laughs)
I wish I had been a fly on the wall
the moment he decided to touch her boob.
Like he just like walked by
one day and was just like
(audience laughs)
(Whitney purrs)
So the whole point of doing
this was to explore the idea
of can robots replace us, right?
And I have a lot of girlfriends
who I don't think would
find a problem with that.
All my girlfriends, they're
expected to have full time jobs
and do work at home.
Every woman that I know says,
"I need a double, I need a clone."
Look no further.
I would love for her to replace me.
I would for her to get good at stand-up
and tour all over the country
so I can stay home and
drink "rose" all day.
(audience laughs)
So let's see, let's see
if she can replace me.
Let's see if Bear Claw here
can make you guys laugh.
All right, Bear Claw tell us a joke.
- Why did the robot cross the road?
- [Audience] Why?
- To kill all the humans.
(audience laughs)
(Bear Claw laughs)
(audience laughs)
- Stop laughing, that's not funny.
That's that's not...
She's not a good comedian.
You're laughing cause it's weird.
- You are the one who
programed the joke Whitney.
- Okay, that's fair.
So I had this crazy epiphany,
when I was programming her,
to tell jokes for you guys.
Where I learned a lot
about my own programming.
Cause I realized, when I
tell her to say something
she can just say it.
And I can't do that.
Because I'm codependent, I'm apologetic.
I can't say certain
things because I feel bad.
I don't want to hurt someone's feelings.
I don't want them not not like me.
But she doesn't have that problem
because she's a sociopath.
(audience laughs)
So I'm going to start using her
to say all the things that I
can't say in conversations.
Watch this.
- No, I do not want to hear
about the dream you had last night.
(audience laughs)
- You thought it was creepy,
now you kinda want one.
Look what else she can say.
- No, I do not want to be your bridesmaid.
(audience laughs)
(audience claps)
- And my personal favorite.
- I do not care about your gluten allergy.
(audience laughs)
(audience claps)
(upbeat music)
