[Channel Teaser]
How The Gang Yee’d Their Last Haw In An
Epic Shootout!
The year is 2018. My little middle-school-age
cousin and his 2 friends are here visiting
from out of state for a week of Summer Break.
As an activity, my cousin suggests that I
run a 5e one shot for them.
I start putting together my story. Cousin
says that he and his friends have only played
a little, so I try to make something a bit
more unique than the typical dungeon crawl
or romp through the enchanted woods.
Cousin and his friends swing by my house for
a quick session 0. I explain to them the importance
of good team composition, communication and
other stuff like that when making their characters.
The last thing I mentioned before setting
them loose to go make characters is that the
story takes place in a desert. This uncommon
setting is intended to play into my story.
The only reason I tell them this is just in
case they wanted to make a ranger or something.
My cousin texts me at 1:49 am to ask me if
some homebrew that Matt Mercer made was okay.
I say “okay” and go back to sleep since
I was too tired to really ask him what he
was planning. Besides, I have played games
with Matt Mercer’s homebrew before, and
it has never been too problematic.
The next day I sit Cousin and his friends
down at the kitchen table to start the game.
They have the most devious smiles I have ever
seen.
I ask them what their characters were, and
I realize very quickly that the adventure
I had spent all week planning was not going
to cut it for these guys.
Enter Johnny “The Good” Robbins -- Level
3 Chaotic Good Human Gunslinger who plays
the guitar like an angel.
Enter Butch “The Bad” Eastwood -- Level
3 Chaotic Neutral Human Gunslinger who was
quick with an insult but even quicker with
a pistol.
Enter Rango “The Ugly” Django -- Level
3 Chaotic Neutral Green Dragonborn Gunslinger
with a sombrero, blunderbuss, and fake mustache.
When I said to make characters fit for the
desert, their minds immediately went to “Cowboys”.
They had written up a whole backstory about
how they were the last members of an infamous
outlaw gang -- the Hole-in-a-Bucket gang,
probably inspired by the Hole-in-the-Wall
gang. They were mostly the “I want to just
do my own thing without being messed with
by authority” kind of outlaws, but they
had committed some crimes to help fund their
roguish lifestyle. They were laying low after
a rival gang and the local government had
broken into their hideout and killed everyone,
but wanted to get revenge and reclaim their
“lost glory”.
I should also mention that they only ever
refer to themselves as “The Good”, “The
Bad”, and “The Ugly” respectively. I
only see their full names when I check their
character sheets.
Rather annoyingly, all of their character
sheets are almost perfect.
Knowing what they are expecting with their
characters, I scrap the entire story I had
planned about desert nomads and tribes, and
I rush to throw together a Frontier Western
Town for them to explore.
“So, uh… You all ride your horses up to
the frontier town of… Uh-” I was poorly
trying to make things up as I went.
“Agua Fria?” the Good asked.
“Sure, yeah, Agua Fria.” I went with it.
I ask the party what they want to do first,
and they decided to check out the wanted posters
on the side of the sheriff's office.
As I start to describe some of the posters,
thinking they might try to collect a bounty,
they interrupt me.
“Are WE on any of the posters?” the Bad
asked.
I decide that it probably isn't the best if
the party is being hunted as soon as they
arrive in the first town, so I say that the
only one with a poster is The Ugly, but he
is not recognizable since the poster’s drawing
left out his mustache.
The poster read, “The Ugly: Wanted Dead
or Dead! Reward: 1,000 GP!”
However, I warn them that government officials
familiar with their gang and rival gang members
might recognize them.
The party, upon finding out that they are
not wanted in Agua Fria, decide to celebrate
by hitting up the tavern saloon and buying
some drinks.
I quickly google a description for a typical
Wild West Saloon and read it out for them
as they place their orders with the bartender.
20 whole minutes of alcoholism roleplaying
later, the impatient bartender asks the Bucket
Gang about the mounting tab.
The Good looks at The Bad, The Bad looks at
The Ugly, The Ugly looks back at The Good.
It turns out that none of these idiots gave
themselves any money when making their characters.
The Bad pats his revolver holster and The
Ugly reaches for his blunderbuss.
The Ugly, trying to intimidate the bartender
with his deep Dragonborn voice: “Listen
here, buddy, you’re gonna forget you ever
saw us. Unless, of course, you want me and
my boys here to turn this watering hole of
yours into a sinkhole”.
The Ugly rolls intimidation.
5.
The bartender reaches under the bar and pulls
out a blunderbuss of his own. He is completely
unfazed and maintains a calm voice and a smile
as he talks back to the hulking green lizard
man.
“Okay, buckaroo, here is what’s going
to happen. You’re going to sit right in
that stool while my friend” -- he motions
to the saloon’s pianist -- “gets the sheriff
to come down here and sort you out.”
At this point, The Good tries to defuse the
situation with his godly Charisma stat, but
rolls a 3.
The bartender continues again, unfazed. “I
don’t know what in the H-E-Double-Hockey-Sticks
you think you’re trying to do, pardner,
but if you're with this green guy, I think
you had better have a seat, too.”
Seeing the writing on the wall, I remind the
party that they only have padded armor. They
went all-in on this “cowboy” thing and
didn’t even give themselves proper armor,
and that the firearms outlined in Matt Mercer’s
Gunslinger Homebrew could easily be lethal
to characters their level.
Naturally, The Bad ignores this warning, draws
his revolver, and unloads a round into the
bartender’s stomach.
Initiative is rolled and I toss in some bar
customers and hookers with pistols and palm
pistols to make it spicy.
The Good ducks behind the bar, panics, and
shoots an innocent bystander.
The Ugly uses a Piercing Shot with his blunderbuss
and blows away a group of hookers.
The Bartender, horribly wounded but still
conscious, grabs a nearby knife and stabs
The Good in the thigh.
Fast-forwarding a few rounds, and The Bad
and The Ugly clear out most of the bar without
being killed somehow. The Good, being “good”,
takes mercy on the Bartender and lets him
escape. The Bartender, being the bartender,
limps down to the sheriff's office and gets
help.
Saying the first names that come to mind,
I tell the party that Sheriff Pat Garrett
and Deputy Bugle kick in the saloon door with
weapons drawn.
“Hold it right there! Just who in the hell
do you think you are?!” Sheriff Garrett
roared.
Little did I know, Cousin and his friends
had rehearsed an incredibly cringy catchphrase
for the express purpose of answering this
question.
“Who are we?” The Bad asked.
“The Good!”
“The Bad!”
“The Ugly!”
They sounded off one by one, then as a group
they shouted, “We’re the Hole-in-a-Bucket
Gang! And we’re putting you six-feet-under!”
They all roll intimidation and do pretty well.
Deputy Bugle pisses his pants and flees the
scene.
Sheriff Garrett is made of sterner stuff though,
and he readies his repeater.
In the ensuing 3v1, Garrett gets lucky and
downs The Bad before The Ugly vomits poison
into his face and he is shot in the ribs by
The Good.
With all of the authority figures in Agua
Fria dead or indisposed, the Bucket Gang is
free to recover and rule the town for a few
days.
All is well for the Bucket Gang until Deputy
Bugle comes back with a few friends.
And when I say a few friends, I mean the Marshal,
a couple of rangers, and a militia of 50 or
so assorted cowboys.
The Bucket Gang quickly makes for the saloon
and starts barricading themselves in using
the blood-stained floorboards.
The militia surrounds the saloon and the Marshal
calls out to the outlaws inside.
“I have a warrant here for the Hole-in-a-Bucket
gang! Y’all can come out here all civil-like
and I promise you a fair trial! If you do
not comply, I am authorized to use deadly
force!” The Marshal yelled.
The Bucket Gang weigh their options and decide
to yell back at the Marshal to stuff his warrant
up where the sun don’t shine.
At this point, we have been playing this oneshot
for a solid 7 hours; we are ready to finish
up. The only thing that matters to all of
the players now is that the Bucket Gang die
a glorious death.
The entire saloon is rattled with gunfire.
The Good dives back behind the bar, The Bad
crouches behind the piano, and The Ugly jumps
behind a pile of tables.
Since they have cover and the militia is just
standing outside, the Bucket gang manages
to hold out without a death for a good 6 rounds.
That’s when The Ugly, readying his blunderbuss,
peeks out from behind his tables and gets
the face blown-off his mustache by the Marshal.
The Bad disengages and runs behind the bar
with The Good.
“The Good, I think our days might be numbered,”
the Bad said sadly.
“Don’t say that! I think that if we-”
A bullet whizzes by and shatters the liquor
bottles above their heads.
“Look, I don’t want to go out like some
coward behind a bar. I want to go out in a
Blaze of Glory™. It’s what The Ugly would
have wanted,” The Bad said.
The Good nodded.
“Alright then, one last time!” The Bad
shouted.
“The Good!”
“The Bad!”
Empty silence.
“We‘re the Hole-in-a-Bucket Gang! And
we’re going out in a Blaze of Glory™!”
The outlaws, revolvers in hand, jump up from
their hiding spot and make for the door.
The Good and The Bad kick open the door of
the saloon with smiles on their faces and
a fire in their hearts, and they hit the dirt
road with about 3 pounds of lead in each.
And thus, with a wave of gunfire, law is restored
to the small Frontier Town of Agua Fria. Many
men lay dead, but life goes on -- as it always
does -- in the Old West.
Cousin and his friends were satisfied with
the Blaze of Glory™ and we, as has now become
tradition with our games, have a short but
tasteful mock funeral for the Bucket Gang’s
character sheets.
Cousin’s mom arrives shortly after and says
that it is time to go, so Cousin gives me
a hug and Yeehaws at me as he left for the
airport.
Yeehaw that was intense and fun at the same
time! Have you ever played in a western setting?
Or created a gang that went out in a blaze
of glory? Please tell us of your experiences
and comment your reactions below!
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