FOLKS, EACH NIGHT IN THE
MONOLOGUE, RIGHT OVER THERE,
WHERE I'M STANDING, I DISH OUT
A HEARTY TUNA NOODLE CASSEROLE
OF ALL THE STORIES PEOPLE ARE
TALKING ABOUT.
BUT SOMETIMES, I LIKE TO
SCRAPE TOGETHER ALL THE LITTLE
BITS OF UNCOOKED PASTA, COVER
THEM WITH GLITTER AND GLUE, AND
STRING THEM TOGETHER INTO THE
GLORIOUS MACARONI NECKLACE OF
NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT:
>> MEANWHILE!
 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: MEANWHILE!
SONG OF FREEDOM.
SONG OF FREEDOM!
MEANWHILE, IN LATE-BREAKING
RADIOHEAD NEWS,
HACKERS STOLE UNRELEASED
RADIOHEAD RECORDINGS
AND THREATENED TO RELEASE THEM
UNLESS THE BAND PAID $150,000,
SO THE BAND RELEASED THE
RECORDINGS INSTEAD.
 (  LAUGHTER  )
 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
SO WHAT WAS THIS BLACKMAILING
PLAN?
"HELLO, THOM YORKE.
I HAVE YOUR ALBUM.
IF YOU DON'T PAY ME, I WILL
REVEAL TO THE WORLD HOW
ORIGINAL, YET TIMELESS, YOUR
MUSIC IS, ENSURING YOU A NEW
GENERATION OF FANS.
YOU HAVE 24 HOURS TO-- WHAT?!"
 (  LAUGHTER  )
MEANWHILE, "WALMART IS LAUNCHING
A SERVICE THAT WILL HAVE
EMPLOYEES BRING GROCERIES
DIRECTLY INTO YOUR HOME."
IT'S PERFECT FOR ANYONE WHO FELT
THE ONE THING LACKING FROM THEIR
WALMART EXPERIENCE WAS "HOME
INVASION."
 (  LAUGHTER  )
BECAUSE, WE'RE NOT TALKIN--
BECAUSE WE'RE NOT JUST TALKING
ABOUT A BOX OF GROCERIES ON THE
PORCH HERE.
"EMPLOYEES WILL BRING THEM RIGHT
INSIDE THE PURCHASER'S HOME AND
PUT THEM AWAY IN THEIR
KITCHEN."
WALMART HASN'T ANNOUNCED HOW
MUCH THE SERVICE WILL COST, BUT
IT CAN'T BE AS CHEAP AS COSTCO'S
NEW SERVICE, "WE STAY OUT OF
YOUR HOUSE FOR FREE!"
 (  LAUGHTER  )
 ( APPLAUSE )
IF THIS WHOLE THING--
IF THIS WHOLE THING SOUNDS
A LITTLE CREEPY, DON'T WORRY,
THE COMPANY PROMISES ONLY TO
SEND "A TRAINED AND VETTED
WALMART ASSOCIATE, WHO HAS BEEN
WITH A LOCAL STORE FOR AT LEAST
A YEAR."
WELL, THAT'S ALL THE REASSURANCE
I NEED.
"MY, GOD, HONEY!
THERE'S A STRANGE MAN RUMMAGING
AROUND OUR KITCHEN."
"CALM DOWN.
HE'S WORKED AT WALMART FOR A
YEAR."
"YOU CAN LEAVE HIM WITH THE
KIDS."
 ( APPLAUSE )
MEANWHILE, NEW RESEARCH HAS
FOUND THAT "MILLENNIAL DADS HAVE
PATHETIC DO-IT-YOURSELF SKILLS
COMPARED TO BABY BOOMERS."
A SURVEY OF "1,000 MILLENNIAL
DADS AND 1,000 BABY BOOMER DADS
FOUND THAT WHEN A D.I.Y. TASK
NEEDS TO BE DONE AT HOME, MORE
THAN HALF OF MILLENNIALS PREFER
TO CALL A PROFESSIONAL."
MAYBE, MAYBE BECAUSE MILLENNIAL
DADS GREW UP WATCHING THEIR
BOOMER DADS ATTEMPT TO DO IT
THEMSELVES.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
"THE PORCH BURNED DOWN, THE HOT
WATER IS COLD, AND THE COLD
WATER TAP IS NATURAL GAS, BUT I
DID IT MYSELF!
I FEEL DIZZY, DID SOMEONE LEAVE
THE COLD WATER ON?"
MEANWHILE, "ALCOHOL IS NOW BEING
MARKETED AS A 'WELLNESS' DRINK."
THE MARATHON BREWING COMPANY HAS
A NEW BEER CALLED "26.2,"
PURPORTED TO BE A BEER "FOR
RUNNERS, BY RUNNERS."
26.2, BECAUSE JUST LIKE A
MARATHON YOU KNOW YOU'VE HAD
ENOUGH WHEN YOU'RE PUKING IN THE
STREETS WITH BLEEDING NIPPLES.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH TIM
McGRAW AND JON MEACHAM.
