
**I Believe You**

**(2012 Revised Edition)**

Low Kay Hwa

Copyright Low Kay Hwa 2012

**Published by Goody Books Pte Ltd**

**<http://www.goodybooks.com>**

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any other means (electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording or any information storage and retrieval system and whether or not transiently or incidentally to some other use of this publication) without prior permission in writing from the publisher.

This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents are products of the author's imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events or locales or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

Copyright © Low Kay Hwa, June 2012

# 1

**I** had never expected my first day of school to be so interesting.

It would take at least an hour for the bus to reach my new school, National Junior College. I had only brought a small bag that contained a few sheets of paper, a pencil case and a Discman. I presumed that the tutors would not teach us anything on the first day of school. After all, they claimed that it was supposed to be an "Orientation Day". I was not looking forward to it. In fact, I _dreaded_ it.

I managed to find a seat in the crowded bus. Most of the passengers were students in unironed uniform. When the bus started moving, I closed my eyes, ready to sleep through the hour-long ride that would take me all the way from Jurong West to Bukit Timah.

"Hey, hello!" someone in the standing crowd yelled. I woke up from my dazed dreams and looked up. A guy standing near the entrance smiled at me. He was wearing the same uniform as mine. "Hello!" he yelled again.

Almost all the passengers looked at me. The bus was at Bukit Batok, which meant it was still pretty far from National Junior College. I squinted. It was Jacky Wu, one of my ex-secondary schoolmates. I did not reply. Instead, I searched for my Discman, pretending not to hear him.

"Hello to the girl searching for something in her bag!" Jacky shouted again. This time, a few passengers giggled. I kept my head low and finally found my Discman. I inserted the earpieces into my ears immediately. "Hello to the girl listening to a Discman!" he continued. I pressed the "Play" key continuously, but there was no sound. "Hello to the girl wearing the same uniform as me!" he pressed on. The batteries must have run out of juice. _Not now!_ "Hello to the girl wearing glasses! Hello! Hello! Hello!" Almost all the passengers were waiting for me to acknowledge Jacky.

"Hello to Joanna!" He finally said my name. I knew there was only one way to shut him up and put an end to my embarrassment. I smiled at him. He seemed pleased and did not say anything anymore.

The bumpy journey went on for another forty minutes. He alighted at the same stop as me, but I was quick enough to evade him and dashed to the school as fast as I could.

* * *

Jacky and I had only held one conversation when we were in secondary school, and it lasted for less than three minutes. We had never been in the same class.

Jacky was one of the popular guys in school. He had sharp features, a lean build and whenever he talked, people laughed. Many girls drooled over him, but the rumour was that he did not have a steady girlfriend.

One day, when we were in secondary three, Jacky was invited on stage to crack a joke during an assembly period. If he could get everyone to laugh, he would win a prize. He thought for a while before saying, "There was once a..." I was not listening to him. I was totally lost in my thoughts.

When he finished his joke, there was a long silence. Suddenly, the hall exploded into ripples of laughter. My classmates around me laughed like mad people; even the teachers laughed aloud. I frowned, unable to fathom what kind of joke could set everyone laughing so insanely.

When the laughter subsided, a teacher wanted to pass Jacky a prize, but he declined it. "Someone didn't laugh," he announced. For some reason, people laughed again. He pointed to my direction and said, "That girl didn't laugh." I glanced around me, hoping that he was not referring to me.

"Which girl?" the teacher asked.

"That girl with glasses and long hair."

The teacher stared at me. "You mean the girl with tied hair?"

"Yeah, that's the one. She never laughs!"

I clenched my fists. _How can a big guy like him be so petty?_

"Joanna!" the teacher said. "You didn't laugh?"

I kept quiet. To have my name called out in an assembly period did not feel good. "Joanna, can you please wake up from your dreams and laugh at my joke?" Jacky said and some people giggled loudly. "I beg you."

My classmates urged me to stand up. Feeling the pressure and the lack of time to go through my options, I stood up and _said_ sarcastically, "Ha, ha, ha." Then I sat down and buried my head under my hands.

Everyone laughed—again. I promised never to forgive that Jacky Wu for embarrassing me in front of three hundred people.

After school that day, he came forward and apologized. "Hey, I'm sorry about just now. Was just trying to be funny. I hope you're not offended?"

I shook my head.

"Jacky Wu," he introduced himself.

"I know. The famous and arrogant Jacky Wu." I had not expected myself to say that. "Joanna. Joanna Fung."

"I never expected myself to be arrogant. But famous? I agree." He smiled. "Are you always so introverted and...unfriendly?"

"Unfriendly?" I glared at him. "I never expected myself to be unfriendly, Jacky." I walked off quickly, not wanting to continue the conversation.

"But you've got like...no friends at all!"

I pretended I did not hear his comment. I continued to walk off. What he said then was true. I had classmates, but I had like...no friends at all. Except for one. _Just one._

* * *

Actually, there was no way for me to avoid Jacky completely in a small school like National Junior College.

He was everywhere. I had tried all means to avoid him, but failed. "Hey, Joanna. What a coincidence! We're going to be schoolmates for the next two years as well!"

"Yeah," I replied.

"What class are you in?"

"03A02."

"Oh my gosh!" He covered his mouth and jumped around like a monkey. "We're in the same class! Can you believe it? Jacky and Joanna in the same class! How cool is that?"

I was imagining how a monkey would blend into my class. The bell rang soon after that. We strolled towards the hall and searched for our class number. He offered to sit beside me. I glared at him, but he just smiled. I had no reason to reject him; therefore, I said nothing.

Firstly, the principal told us about the history of the school, then several other tutors said more boring things. We were, by then, trying hard to keep our eyes open. When they were done, we sang the school song with the lyrics in front of us.

"Okay, as you all know, we're going to have an orientation programme for these first few days..." a tutor announced.

"It's going to be fun," Jacky whispered to me. "I've got a friend in J2. He told me it's gonna be very exciting."

When I heard what he said, I regretted not skipping school that day. We were led to the field, class by class, just like in primary school. Jacky kept on telling me how excited he was.

"JC life is going to be one of the best!" he exclaimed. "You're going to enjoy it; it's unlike secondary school! There's more freedom, schoolwork is called tutorial, the teachers are called—"

"Sorry, Jacky..." I turned to him. "Would you please...shut up?"

He just laughed it off and talked to other people, not offended. But I felt something. I headed to the toilet to wash off my tears. I had just told Jacky to shut up. I had just scolded Jacky.

I had just _cursed_ Jacky. _Oh, damn it. What the hell have I done? I should just shut up._

* * *

The objective of the first game was to remember names.

Water balloons were thrown at students who forgot others' name. After an hour, we were able to remember everyone's name. The next game was played with the aim of recognizing voices.

The boys and girls were separated. A curtain partitioned them and, when a girl spoke, the boys had to guess who the girl was. After a few rounds, I was chosen to say something for the boys to guess.

"Come on, say something! A joke, or something like that!" the seniors urged me.

I did not know what to say, so I just muttered, "Ha, ha, ha."

Almost instantly, I heard Jacky's voice on the other side. "It's Joanna! Joanna Fung, that thin girl!"

_Ah, that bastard._

# 2

**W** hen I reached home that evening, Landy was lying on the sofa, crunching a bag of potato chips I had bought a few days ago.

"How's your first day of school?" she asked. She had small eyes and a sharp nose. I had always believed that she was one of the most beautiful women in the world—if not, the most beautiful Asian. For a long period, I had hoped I had the same features as her. I even desired to live her life: carefree, with boys queuing to hold her hand.

I told her everything about Jacky and the embarrassment that he had caused. Landy was the only person to whom I could pour out my sorrows. She would often drop by my flat for a chat. When I was not in, Grandma would open the door for her.

"So what, you're going to avoid him for the next two years?" Landy said. "I bet he's going to stick to you these two years."

"You know I can't talk to him," I muttered. "I can't harm him."

"Make sense." Landy poured herself a cup of coffee and relaxed on the sofa. "Don't you fall in love with him."

"I'll never!" I retorted. "I mean...I..."

" _Never_ is a very strong word," Landy said. "Remember your curse. Remember. If you fall in love with him, you'll harm him."

I lay beside her and memories of how Mum died came back to me. "I know."

We spent the next two hours trying to figure out how to stay away from Jacky. And two hours later, we fell asleep on the sofa with no solution in mind.

* * *

There was no way for me to avoid Jacky completely.

During lectures, he would sit beside me and I had no right to decide where he sat. He would try very hard to start a conversation, but I would always hint him to shut up by giving him a glare. It often worked; but a few minutes later, he would be talking again.

During lunch break, we would eat together. He always offered to help me buy my favourite drink, soya bean milk. I wanted to tell him off, to say that I preferred to eat alone; but when he returned with my soya bean milk, I would just give up and eat my meal in silence, trying hard to keep my eyes off him.

Rumours about us being an item surfaced after a few weeks. Jacky was especially concerned about disclaiming them. However, no one believed him. One day, he even threatened to beat anyone who spread the rumours; that was the first time I saw his trademarked smile vanish from his face.

"Why do you get so angry when people say something about us?" I asked him that day.

"I don't wanna tarnish your reputation. What if no one dares to woo you?" he said. "I don't wanna destroy your future."

"Then why are you still sticking to me every day?" I said.

It took him a while to register the question—or find the answer. "I..." He smiled once more. "I wanna help you. To see you smile." He turned away, then whispered again, "To see you smile."

"Why?"

"I want to do something meaningful while I can."

Ironically, I frowned and ended the conversation. That night, I told Landy about what Jacky had said, and we spent over three hours pondering on what he had meant. And, as usual, we had no conclusion.

* * *

Four months later, on a Tuesday morning, Mrs Goh, our literature tutor, declared, "Every year, we have a drama competition organized by ELDDS. Every class is encouraged to send a team forward. This competition, I believe, will help a lot in your literature. So I'm going to get this entire class to join."

The students whispered protests, but Mrs Goh insisted. "Every one of you will help out in creating a play."

Michael, one of the noisier guys, volunteered to be the scriptwriter. We spent the next fifteen minutes trying to find a suitable plot. In the end, we settled for the final scene in William Shakespeare's _Romeo and Juliet_. It was the scene when Romeo drinks the poison and Juliet wakes up to find a dead Romeo.

However, there would be an interesting change to it. They would speak in Singlish—Singaporean creole English—to add a Singaporean touch. And Juliet would drink the poison instead. We reckoned that would add points to our play.

"Okay, who's good at acting here?" Mrs Goh glanced around the class. "Let's find a Juliet first...hmm, whose name starts with 'J'?"

"Me!" Jacky raised his hand in ecstasy. "Me, me!"

_That idiot._

"You wanna be Juliet?" Mrs Goh said and the class erupted into laughter. "We need a girl, Jacky. It's supposed to be a sad scene, not a funny scene where a macho guy acts as Juliet."

Jacky giggled and said, "Okay, I volunteer to be Romeo then." Several male students heaved sighs of relief. "But I have a request."

"What's that?"

I looked up at Jacky. He was staring at my eyes. _Oh, shit. I don't like that look._ "I want Joanna to be Juliet. J for _Joanna_." The whole class cheered as if Andy Lau had just sung a song.

_That guy just won't let me study in peace, will he?_

* * *

We had our first rehearsal in the school hall a few days later. It was unlike the normal tragic ending in _Romeo and Juliet_. We had to add in Singlish discourse particles like "leh", "lah" and "oei" into our sentences to make it sound more interesting. I wondered if it would change the scene from tragedy to humour.

"No...cannot be...you cannot die one..." I cried without tears. Jacky lay on the floor with his eyes closed. His lips were trembling, threatening to laugh any moment. "If you die, I also die then!" He could control it no more: He laughed out loud, infecting the entire hall with laughter as well.

And I always frowned when they laughed because it would mean another round of rehearsal. Every time there was a rehearsal scheduled after school, I would think of numerous excuses to skip it; but in the end, I would still attend the rehearsal.

* * *

When I told Landy about my role as Juliet in the play, she laughed for fifteen minutes. "You, Juliet? Juliet!"

I had not expected my best friend to react in that way. Actually, I was hoping for some comforting words from her. I kept quiet and when she sensed my displeasure, she lowered her voice and said, "You don't like it?"

"I don't like it," I answered. "I don't like talking."

"Are you going to 'curse' anyone in the script?"

"No. I'll be following the script. No worries."

"Then it should be fine," Landy replied. "You will enjoy yourself. After all, Jacky is Romeo. It will create a romantic—"

"Landy!" I cut in. "Don't start!"

Grandma came out of her room and stared at both of us with her eyebrows lowered. She could not see well and often mistook any girl of my age as me while in the streets. She hobbled towards the kitchen with the help of her walking stick and muttered, "Is that Landy? You talking to Landy? It's late. Landy, don't you have to work tomorrow?"

"Tomorrow is my day off, Grandma. I'm going to have a nice, long chat with Joan—I meant, Juliet!" Landy exclaimed and we chuckled. I helped Grandma to the toilet and then back to her room. When we were alone again, Landy said, "That Jacky seems to be interested in you, Joanna."

"Don't give a damn. I will never like him."

"Let's try to analyse what he meant when he said he wanted to help you."

With that, our girls' talk lasted for more than three hours. And once again, we did not come to any conclusion.

* * *

We were supposed to get a song for our play.

Almost everyone had his or her own view. Some preferred a love song, whereas others preferred Mozart's music. A few of us even thought that including a song in the play was a bad idea. After discussion, we decided to go to HMV in The Heeren to see if we could find a suitable song.

When we reached the place, they rushed into HMV as if they were children in Toys"R"Us. I sat at the edge of a fountain outside HMV. To my surprise, Jacky did not go in as well. He sat beside me and cleared his throat. "Not going in?"

I shook my head. The loud music inside the store always gave me a headache.

"Well, me neither. Bad for the ears," he said, slapping his ears. Then he laughed at his own joke. "Well then, I've dug out another secret of yours. Secret number ninety-one of Joanna Fung: She does not like music stores. It's the same secret as mine. I don't like music stores too."

"Good for you."

"Then how did you get your CDs?"

"Through a friend."

"Okay, great, secret number ninety-two of Joanna Fung: She does have friends outside school! That's good! That's very good! That's damn really freaking good!"

"It's not funny," I mumbled and looked up. "I'm going up to Adidas to have a look."

"Count me in."

We went up and browsed for about ten minutes, then met up with our classmates. They had all decided on a theme song. It was "Only Love" by Trademark. Jacky and I both agreed with their choice.

We went back to school that evening for another rehearsal. The play was due in three months. For the first time, we did the entire play without an NG. The song was played first, and then it faded away as I entered the stage to see an unconscious Jacky on the floor. I walked slowly towards him and sat beside him, my tears dripping (the magical eye drops).

"Romeo...no...cannot be...you cannot die one..." I pressed my head to his chest and could hear his heart beating. "You promised me so many things...so many things! You must not die...open your eyes _leh_..." I then yelled, "No!"

The song played again for a while. When it faded away, I held up the cup of poison beside me and said, "What for I live when you died already...? If you die, I also die then!" Then, I downed the poison (it was green tea) and, within the same second, I shook my head gently and fell on Jacky.

The chorus of the song played loudly for a minute or so. I could feel Jacky moving a little, and then his voice came. "Juliet? Juliet! Juliet!"

He must have found out about the poison when he whispered, "No, Juliet..." I knew he had stabbed himself when he slumped onto my back.

I knew why he had volunteered to be Romeo. He only needed to memorize two words and got to lie on a pretty girl's back. Smart guy.

# 3

**I** first met Landy in a "magical" way.

My father died when I was twelve. My mum blamed me for his death. Since then, I learnt about life the wrong way: I hung out with a group of hooligans who smoked at stairways and got their pocket money from stealing. I always felt a great sense of satisfaction whenever we successfully shoplifted.

That day, we plotted to steal shoes again. Stealing shoes had always been a routine for us. Our targets were usually World of Sports, Royal Sporting House and Bata. Our plan had never failed until that day.

Three of us entered Royal Sporting House, wearing stern expressions. We pretended to browse around the clothes section indifferently first. As we progressed to the shoes section, we showed signs of excitement by saying, "This is nice!" or "I wonder if they've got size six for this pair or not?"

After some acting, a sales assistant marched towards us. He looked young, and we believed he was only a temporary employee. We smiled, knowing a temporary worker was an easier target. "What size are you looking for, madam?"

I always felt proud to be called "madam" at the age of thirteen. My friend, Maggie, replied, "Do you have size six for this?" She showed the sales assistant a particular design. It cost a hundred dollars.

The sales assistant politely told us to wait and went off. Within the same minute, he came back with a pair. Maggie tried one on and it fitted her perfectly. However, she frowned and then looked up at the sales assistant with a seductive smile. "This feels too small. Do you have, like, size six and a quarter?"

We all howled in laughter. The sales assistant looked amused. He put on his smile and said, "How about size seven?"

"Will do!" Maggie chirped. "You go look for size seven. If there isn't any, I'll take this one." She began to trace the design of the shoe with her finger. The sales assistant hinted to her to take the shoe off, but Maggie was totally immersed in appreciating the beauty of the shoe—or how much we could sell the pair of shoes for. Finally, the sales assistant gave up and went off in search for size seven.

In one smooth motion, I took out a Royal Sporting House plastic carrier from my bag. Maggie took off the shoe and threw it into the box. We glanced around the busy shop. When we were sure that it was safe, we placed the shoebox into the plastic carrier and I strode out of the shop, feeling victorious.

No one stopped me. The alarm did not ring. After all, how could anyone steal a pair of shoes? They were all supposed to be stacked neatly in the storeroom. When I was out of the shop, I imagined Maggie and the sales assistant quarrelling. Maggie would not lose; after all, _customers are always right_. I could only pity the poor sales assistant who must have been wondering whether he did place the size six shoes back into the storeroom. He might even consider quitting his job.

While I was lost in my thoughts, someone tapped my shoulder. A pretty lady with shiny, long hair smiled at me and said, "Put that pair of shoes down. They're coming to get you."

She looked a little older than me and had perfect features that teenagers would envy—like a real-life Asian Barbie doll. "What the fuck are you talking about?" I demanded.

"Trust me. That sales assistant is the supervisor, not a temp. He has met all sorts of people. He's coming for you. Drop it, or you'll regret it forever!"

I stared at her. She seemed to know everything. For some reason, I decided to trust her and threw the shoes into a rubbish bin. A few minutes later, to my surprise, the sales assistant, together with two security officers, approached me. When they found nothing on me, they gave up and I let out a long sigh of relief. It was my closest encounter with a criminal record.

After that incident, the lady showed up at my house. I had no idea how she got my address. We chatted a little. I later knew her to be Landy. Soon, we became good friends. She was older than me by four years and was working full-time as a clerk. Mum died when I was fourteen and I cut off all links with all my friends other than Landy.

Somehow, Landy stayed with me through thick and thin. Knowing that I disliked going out, she came to my house to chat with me instead. I had thought then that if there were only one blessing in my life, it was definitely having a friend like Landy.

* * *

We realized our play lasted for only five minutes if we had no NG. Our play was supposed to be ten to fifteen minutes.

"Look, I think we'll have to rewrite the script," our director, Delvin, suggested. He was one of our classmates with the most outstanding leadership qualities. "I'm open to all ideas."

We brainstormed and a few ideas were proposed, but none of them seemed to work. Amid the dejected atmosphere, Jacky stood up and told us, "Trust Joanna and me. We'll be able to extend it with our acting. Won't we, Joanna?"

I sank deeper into my chair and frowned. _What does he mean by that?_ He was smiling at me again. I felt my hair standing up. _What is he thinking now?_ I gritted my teeth, hoping that he would not suggest some outrageous idea that would embarrass both of us.

"It'll be a lot more realistic if we do the play without directly following the script. For example, if the audience laughs, we'll extend the humorous scene. If the audience is crying, we'll extend the sad scene. Of course, that would mean we'll have to add our own lines to the play. You understand?"

After some discussion, they all agreed to that idea. I wanted so much to disagree; but, upon seeing their exhausted faces, I gave in. After we were dismissed, we all headed in different directions except Jacky and me. We stayed together as I wanted to confront him about the idea.

"Why propose that stupid idea?" I asked.

"For fun, Joanna! For fun! And don't you think the play will feel a lot more realistic if we don't follow a script? I—"

"You won't understand! I need to follow a script! I can't...I can't talk well. I...I'm afraid I will say the wrong thing and—" I choked on my words and halted.

"Tell me what's stopping you from opening your heart, Joanna. Please."

I was shaking softly. His warm hands embraced my shoulders and he lowered his voice. "Please tell me more about yourself. Why are you keeping everything to yourself? Why are you living in your own world? Please."

"Get away!" I pushed him away, my face burning red. After I had taken a few steps back, my phone rang. It was Landy. I rejected the call and turned back at Jacky. "You won't be able to help me! No one can! No one!"

"Let me help you, please! Believe me! You won't fail if you keep trying!"

"No! You can't, you'll never! I'm going to withdraw from that fucking play, and you and your fucking good friend can be Juliet!"

"Joanna—"

"I killed my father, my mother and many other people! I'm a fucking murderer, a fucking killer, a fucking sinner!"

I turned and dashed out of the hall. The moment I was out of the school, I raised my hand and a taxi pulled over. I wiped off my tears before opening the door, searching for respite. 

# 4

**T** he taxi ride to West Coast Park took fifteen minutes. By then, night had fallen and I had stopped crying. There were not many people around. Landy came an hour later and we climbed up the tall rope pyramid, lying on the ropes.

"You really want to tell him everything, don't you?" Landy said. "You feel like you've got a...bond with him."

"He'll get killed by me," I whispered. "I don't want danger to befall him."

"But you really want to tell him about your problems. You really wanna tell him about your curse. I support you."

"I don't know."

"Okay, why not we play a game? If he's here within fifteen minutes, you'll tell him about your problems, okay? If not, we'll sleep here for the night. Are you game for it?"

I looked up at the starless night. _He won't be able to find me,_ I thought. "Deal."

"Well then, I'm going down." Landy grabbed the rope below and slowly made her way down.

"Huh?"

"Look down, my friend." By then, Landy had reached the ground. She waved at me and I understood what she meant the moment I looked down. Jacky, still in his uniform, walked past her. When he saw me, he smiled broadly and climbed up the ropes, flaunting his lean biceps. Within a few seconds, he was sitting beside me.

"How did you know I was here?" I said. "Landy called you?"

"Who's Landy?" Jacky asked.

"The girl who just walked past you."

"Did anyone walk past me just now?" His brow furrowed. "I didn't notice."

"Then how did you know I'm here?"

"I installed a tracer in your handphone. You know, like those tracers that secret agents use? I bought it in a black market. Cost me a bomb."

I bit my lip and ignored his pointless remark.

"Joanna, can I tell you something?"

I nodded, stunned at his seriousness. He had never bothered to request permission before. My eyes were fixed to the ground, my hands toying with the ropes that supported us.

"I know it's one of the hardest things to do in the world...I know it's like asking you to stuff your fist into your mouth or it's like asking you to eat caterpillars, but..." He paused. I shivered. _Gosh, he looks really serious when he is not smiling._ "Would you...would you believe me?"

"Believe you?" I twisted my head, almost relieved. "What do you mean?" I was not expecting him to say something so simple.

"Lend me an hour of your time. In this hour, I hope you can believe in everything I say. Would you?"

I clenched my fists, thinking hard. I then recalled the deal I had with Landy. "Okay, I believe you. Now, what do you want to say?"

"Tell me about your problems. Joanna, you'll not fail if you keep trying."

"No. No one can help—"

"Joanna!" And he did it: He held my hand and cried, "Believe me!"

I shook my head a few times, trying hard to believe him. _I will not fail if I keep trying?_ I had always been trying... _but I always failed._ I had given up hope on everything, choosing instead to live in my own world.

A minute passed silently. I gazed at the starless sky. Time seemed to be crawling. I grabbed a rope, preparing to leap down when Landy's words came into my mind again. With that, I looked up at Jacky. He stared at me with such sincerity that I nearly could not recognize this man. It was then that I realized he was still holding on to my left hand.

"Believe me," he repeated as he released my hand. I felt a weird surge of loss. "What is the reason that causes you to be so reserved? How did your parents...pass away?"

Tears started to well up in my eyes. I wanted so much to lay my head on his shoulder, but I feared he might feel uncomfortable. I shook my head a few times to hold back my tears. It was not easy. "I killed them."

"Tell me more. Let me help."

"You can't help!" I yelled, my voice echoing in the quiet night.

"Believe in me!"

"You wouldn't—"

"You have to be—"

"It's too—"

"Believe me!"

"No one can help—"

"I can help you. I really can. Let me help, please. Believe in me."

_Believe in me._

Somehow, my heart melted and I gave in. I had always thought that belief was not strong enough to change anything. However, it was something else that made me believe him.

_I believe you._

"I was born into a perfect family. I had a father who drove a taxi and a mother who cooked for others," I started, not daring to face him.

"That's very good. Go on."

"We lived simply, yet happily. My father worked seven days a week. Every night, I would wait for my father to buy supper for us. The three of us would eat while watching television. That late-night meal was the only time for us to be together. I would tell them about the new bully in school. They would teach me how to fight back."

"You've got very good parents," Jacky cut in, obviously just to prove that he was still listening.

"Life was perfect. Just so perfect. Until one day...one day..." Whenever the memories flowed back, I would close my eyes to let the tears flow smoothly. Jacky stroked my back, encouraging me to steady my nerves. I knew if I were to tell him about myself, I would have to overcome those memories. "One day...that day..." I took a long, deep breath. "It all happened.

"The day started like any other day. My father ate his breakfast in a rush and then went to work. As usual, I yelled, 'Drive carefully, Dad,' before he stepped out of the house. Hours later, I was in school, listening to the teacher attentively when I saw my mother outside the classroom.

"I remembered that day we were supposed to have a spelling test, yet I had forgotten to bring the exercise book. I thought my mother was just there to pass me my book. Little did I expect it to be something more than just a book. Or a test.

"She grabbed my hand and we left the school. No word was exchanged. We went into a taxi, and when she cried, I sensed that something was wrong. Then, she hugged me, and I knew it was bad news."

I paused. I needed a break from the bad memories. Jacky flashed his trademarked smile and patted my shoulder. We stayed that way for a few more minutes.

"My father had died in a car accident. In his desperate attempt to get a passenger, he neglected his own safety. A lorry crashed into his taxi. He died instantly. I was only twelve then. I cried every day, waiting for my supper to come. But every night, only memories of my father came back. I could no longer tell him about the new bully in my school.

"My mother, strangely, indirectly blamed me for his death. She claimed that had I not told my father to drive carefully, he might not have died. It made no sense at all. With my father's death, my mother quit her job and turned into a drunkard. She would return every night stinking of alcohol. I had no idea where she got the money.

"I was totally dejected with my broken family. Then I met a group of friends when I was in secondary one at a stairway. They showed me new ways to relax: smoking, drinking... I was lured in by the thought of not having to care. I smoked my days away."

"I cannot imagine you were once a smoker," Jacky said.

"Home was just a place for me to seek quarrels. I tried my best to stay away from home. My mother would always call me names like 'jinx' or 'bitch' even when she was sober. Finally, one day, I had had enough. I put all my clothes into a bag and shouted to her, 'I hope you'll die in a car accident, just like Dad. And I hope you'll get crushed by a big lorry!' After that, I stayed in my friend's house for two days.

"And, two days later..." I was shuddering, my tears rolling out faster. I tried to wipe them off, but they kept coming. I felt like jumping down to the ground, ending the ordeal. Without warning, Jacky embraced me, his body warming me up. He was shuddering along with me. I dropped my head onto his shoulder and whispered, "Two days later, my mother was crushed by a big lorry. She died on the spot."

# 5

**T** here was a long silence. Jacky stroked me gently on my back, as if it would help to stop my sobbing. At that moment, I really wished I would wake up in the comfort of my bed and realize that everything, from my father's death to Jacky's hug, had just been a dream.

I guessed I had regretted telling Jacky everything. No one knew about all this except Landy. I had tried so hard to bury my past, but Jacky's persistence had caused me to dig it out. I pushed Jacky away, knowing I could not lay my head on his shoulder forever. To my surprise, he was wearing a smile, not at all surprised by my story.

"And you believe that you caused the death of your mother? Because of the 'curse' that you have?" he said.

I nodded.

"Silly, Joanna. There's a word known as 'coincidence'. It just happened to be a coincidence."

I shook my head. "A few days after my mother's death, I had a quarrel with one of my friends. In the midst of the quarrel, I..." I paused again. It was hard to dig a past that had been buried for so long. "I said, 'You're so stubborn, your boyfriend is gonna leave you soon!' A few days later, her boyfriend broke up with her."

"Well, two coincidences."

"I once scolded a taxi driver for reckless driving. I said he would soon get into an accident if he continued to drive that way. He ignored my warning and the next day, the newspaper reported that a taxi had smashed into a tree. Luckily, the taxi driver suffered no serious injury. I've always hoped they were just coincidences, Jacky. It's not. It's a curse. I'm cursed. Every bad thing I say will come true."

"That's the reason why you're so quiet? So...introverted?"

I nodded. "More or less. Trust me, they're not coincidences. There're more examples of my curse. I dare not talk, for fear that I may 'accidentally' curse others. It's not my fault."

Jacky bit his lip. A few seconds later, he said, "You once said you've got friends outside JC. Is it true?"

"Just one. Her name is Landy. Strangely..." I stopped, wondering if I should tell Jacky about Landy. _Since I have already told him so much, why not tell him about Landy too_? "She isn't affected by my curses. I have accidentally cursed her a few times, but she seems to be immune to them. Nothing happened to her after my curses. Hence, she has always been my best friend. She was the lady who walked past you earlier."

I told him more about Landy, on how we first met and how she visited me regularly. "My grandmother will open the door for her when I'm not in. However, my grandmother always forgets that she has opened the door for her. She has poor memory and bad eyesight."

"Landy must have been a good friend to come by for a chat."

"Yeah."

"So, she knows about your 'curse' as well? And encourages you to avoid talking to others?"

"Yeah," I replied. "She has seen how people suffered from my curse. That's the reason why she prefers me to keep quiet."

"Okay," Jacky muttered, then closed his eyes, obviously trying to think of something to say.

I stared at his closed eyes. _Why have I told him so much?_ Maybe it was to tell him the reason why I did not like the idea of an impromptu play. Maybe it was also to tell him that my quietness was not my fault. Maybe to let him paint a better image of me in his mind.

"Remember your promise just now?" he suddenly said, interrupting my thoughts.

"Yeah."

"Okay, believe in me now. Say this after me, 'I don't have a curse.'"

"But I—"

"Remember your promise!" he exclaimed. "Now, repeat after me. Say, 'I don't have a curse.'"

I guessed I just had to play along to humour him. "I don't have a curse. Silly."

"No! Just say, 'I don't have a curse.' No 'silly'. Come on, try again."

I shrugged. _Is he childish or am I too mature?_ "I don't have a curse."

"Good. Now say, 'I am just having a minor mental illness that can be cured after seeing a psychiatrist.'"

"No!" I yelled. "No, I, you...you—" I stopped myself at that very moment. I was going to say, "You idiot," but that would equate to cursing him. I just glared at him, wanting so much to scold him. "I'm not sick."

"Believe in me. Remember your promise? Believe in me! Say after me!"

"I'm not sick."

"Believe in me. Believe me! You'll not fail if you believe!"

"I'm not sick. I'm cursed."

"Believe me!"

Once again, I fell into silence. A minute later, I decided to give in. "I don't have a curse. I am just having a minor mental illness that can be cured after seeing a psychiatrist."

Jacky nodded. "Good. I'll call the psychiatrist tomorrow, and we'll book an appointment, okay? I'll accompany you to the psychiatrist."

"What?" I yelled instantly. "No way!"

"Look, Joanna, there're still five more minutes to the hour. You should still believe me, okay? You need a doctor."

"No, I don't!"

"Then prove me wrong! If the doctor can't cure you, then I'll give up!"

I had never seen a psychiatrist before. To me, a psychiatrist looked like the beautiful Kelly Chen, the actress who acted as one in the movie _Infernal Affairs_. She would just listen and the patient would do the talking. The patient would feel better after taking some medication and he or she would be cured. _Silly, isn't it? How can anyone's mental illness get better after saying something and popping a few pills?_ I could not believe that Jacky had just suggested me to do that.

"No," I said.

"I'll go with you. Every appointment. Please."

_He will go with me?_ I pondered on that. For the longest period, I had always been alone. Suddenly, a silly weirdo had just proposed to accompany me for those silly appointments. I frowned, lowering my eyebrows.

"Are you trying to break my routine? Change my life?"

"Yes. I wanna break your routine. I wanna change your life."

That was getting sillier. What could he possibly do? I guessed the best he could do was to mess up my life. Like suggesting that I should see a psychiatrist. _Silly, silly Jacky. Really silly. Asking me to believe in him, to believe that he will be able to change my life..._

"... for the better," he added suddenly.

_For the better?_ I looked up. Maybe I was trying to avoid him. But all of a sudden, I said, "When is the first appointment?"

_Wait...what the hell?_

He told me he had to check everything first. Upon our agreement, we descended the pyramid and made our way to the bus stop. After waiting for a few minutes, we realized that it was close to one in the morning.

"Sorry, I don't have enough cash with me," he said.

"Me neither."

His face brightened up. "Then I'll walk you home, and I'll walk home after that!"

I wanted so much to smile. To laugh at his silly antics. However, I just nodded. We were at West Coast and my house was at Jurong West. It would take more than an hour.

We started the long walk talking about many things. This was the first time I had spoken so much to another person other than Landy since my parents' death. Jacky said that he was the only child in his family. His father had died of cancer when he was just seven; hence, he had a very close relationship with his mother.

He said he had learnt many things when his father was dying. He told me how precious life could be, and said that we all came into this world for a purpose. "Happiness and sadness are not caused by your surroundings. They're caused by your thinking," he reasoned.

When I asked him about his plans for the future, he gave me an answer that surprised me. "My plans for the future? Make you smile. Do something meaningful."

We reached my house after an hour. He was totally exhausted: His forehead was peppered with beads of sweat, but he was still smiling despite his tiredness. "I'll call you," he said. "I'll call you and tell you when we'll meet up for the appointment. I'll...see you around, eh?"

"Yeah," I said. I realized he still had a long way to go from my house to his house at Jurong East. "You want me to get some cash for you to take a taxi?"

I had expected him to say yes. He was massaging his neck and looked as if he wanted to vomit. However, he kept his pride and muttered, "No, I'll walk home. It's good exercise."

_Silly._

"Well, good for you. See you."

After he left, I took a bath. Landy was in my room, sleeping soundly on my bed. After my bath, the doorbell rang. It was 2.15 a.m. Who could it be? I looked through the peephole. It was Jacky.

"Hey," he said, resting his back on the wall. His face was ashen, as if he had just seen a ghost. His lips seemed to be wet and he smelled of puke. "Can you lend me twenty dollars? I'll return it to you tomorrow."

I passed him the money. "Return me something else. Not the twenty dollars. Something else that is worth twenty dollars." _What am I talking about?_ Sometimes, I felt that I said stupid things to him.

"Okay," he said, saluting. "I'll return you something else. Something that twenty dollars can't buy."

With that, he went off. I stared at the last of his shadow and, before I closed my door, I did something I had never expected myself to do.

I smiled to myself.

# 6

**I** could not sleep that night, so I began to count sheep, drink warm milk and study my economics notes. It did not help. After playing a loud slow song that woke Grandma up (she called it a din), I decided not to sleep. After all, I had to wake up early the next day for school.

It was, by then, four in the morning. Several flats were lighting up, getting ready for the day. I looked at my handphone to check for new SMSes. There was no new SMS. I frowned and SMSed Jacky, "Good night, good morning, Mr Wu."

_Why the heck have I done that? For fun? No; in my dictionary, the word "fun" does not exist. Argh._

I spent the next two hours surfing the Internet, checking my handphone, watching television, checking my handphone again, playing online games and checking my handphone once more. At last, at six, I received an SMS. It was from Jacky.

"=)"

I deleted the SMS and then spent the next ten minutes trying to restore deleted SMSes. There was no such function. _Silly me._

* * *

Jacky was "pretending" to be normal to me in school.

It was as if the long conversation we had had never occurred. He put on his trademarked smile to class as usual and joked his time off. When lunch break came, he bought me my soya bean milk and I could avoid the strangeness no more. I asked, "Why are you acting so strangely today?"

"Strangely?" he said. "I'm not! I'm not even acting."

"You are," I retorted, wondering if I had just accidentally "cursed" him. After thinking about it, I figured I had not, so I continued, "You used to be so..." I stopped. It was not him. _It is me._

I had suddenly wanted him to pay more attention to me. To talk to me more. To joke with me more. He was just being himself. _What is wrong with me?_

"I'm sorry," I said as I looked at my plate of rice, ashamed to face him. Something was wrong, but I chose to ignore it. "So, when is the...appointment?"

"I'm calling them later."

"You'll...come with me, correct? As you promised?"

Although I was not looking at him, I knew he must have been showing me that silly toothy grin again. "I promise. I'll come with you for every session. Every single session. Every..."

"Good," I said, "good, damn good."

* * *

"Hey, Joanna."

I woke up from my doze. The tutor's monotonous voice was amplified to the entire hall. I took a few seconds to register my situation and looked up. It was Michael, one of my classmates who wrote the script for the play. He was sitting in front of me, his head turned. Jacky was snoring beside me, his cheek kissing the table. He was always sleeping in lectures.

"Hey, Joanna," he repeated, as if I was still napping. "You there?"

I nodded.

"Are you okay?" he whispered.

I nodded again. "Why?"

"Well, it's because—"

Jacky jumped out from his sleep and grabbed Michael's neck. I had never seen him moving so fast before. "Don't harm her!" he shouted.

His outburst attracted everyone's attention. Students who were sleeping woke up. The tutor stopped talking and stared at Jacky with his eyes wide open, obviously surprised by Jacky's action. Michael did not struggle. He was staring at Jacky in disbelief.

After a few seconds of silence, Jacky let go and sat down while Michael scratched his head. They did not exchange a single word. A few whispers from the students killed the silence.

"As you all can see, the point when demand is..." the tutor continued as if nothing had happened.

"Hey, Mike," Jacky whispered. Michael wheeled round and faced Jacky. He did not seem afraid. "I'm sorry. I had a silly dream. You know, Mr Tan's voice can turn a sweet dream into a nightmare."

"I know. I understand. That's why I dare not sleep when Mr Tan is lecturing. By the way, what dream did you just have? Who's the 'her'?" Michael asked.

"Yeah, who's the 'her'?" I asked as well. Must have been out of curiosity.

"I...forgot. It might be a 'him' or an 'it'. You know, you always forget your dreams."

Michael laughed. "Yeah. Anyway, Joanna, I was about to ask you...are you okay?"

"What's wrong?" Jacky and I said together.

"Well, it's just that...you've smiled five times today. And, I've seen you smile less than ten times despite knowing you for more than six months. It's a bit...unusual?"

"Well, Michael"—Jacky licked his lips in delight—"she's going to smile more in the future. I promise you that."

And, all of a sudden, I smiled.

* * *

"It's called Child Guidance Clinic, commonly known as CGC. This psychiatric clinic provides consultation and treatment to people aged nineteen and below. It's under the Institute of Mental Health. The price is cheaper as the Government will subsidize a large portion of the cost. I've booked an appointment for you."

Jacky passed me a sheet of paper. There was a map, a date and a time. "The clinic is in Singapore General Hospital. Pretty close to our school, so we'll have no problem getting there after school. And this." He passed me another sheet of paper. It was an official appointment letter issued by the clinic. "We'll need that to enter the clinic."

"Isn't that place meant to be for children?"

"No, that's the misconception that most people have. The CGC also accepts teenage patients, as long as you have the will to be cured. The age requirement is nineteen and below. And you qualify. Okay?"

I read the official appointment letter. The first appointment was on a Tuesday morning when we had school.

"No worries about that. We'll be applying for an official leave from our school."

"Official leave?"

"Well, on that day, we will both be ill. And we'll 'buy' MCs from two doctors so that you can see another doctor, the psychiatrist. Isn't that official enough?"

I laughed.

"And when the psychiatrist asks you to choose the next appointment date, give him a date that you and I can go together without missing any lesson. Okay?"

I nodded.

"Great." As he was about to leave, I stopped him. "Huh?"

"Look, Jacky..." My eyes met his and I whispered, "Thank you. For everything."

"My gosh, you're close to tears." He took a step closer to me and tapped my head. "Come on, it's nothing much, okay? Cool it."

"I..."

"Hey, Joanna." He turned serious. "You must understand, I'm doing this because I wanna help you, okay? I want you to believe in yourself and others. Just that. We cannot be a couple. You cannot be my girlfriend. I have my reason. So, don't you ever fall in love with me, okay?"

_Fuck. Damn. Ass. Bastard. Idiot. Silly, damn, fucking bastard ass idiot!_

"I'll never fall in love with you!" I yelled back at the top of my voice. "I'll never love you! And you!" I pointed at his chest, and then pounded his chest repeatedly. "Don't you fall in love with me! Don't you turn back and tell me, 'I love you!' You hear me, Jacky Wu Zhong Xian? You hear me? I, Joanna Fung Wai Gwan, will never, ever fall in love with Jacky Wu Zhong Xian!"

"Calm down," he whispered.

"And you, Jacky Wu Zhong Xian, you'd better don't fall in love with me, 'coz I'll never love you!" I gave him a final punch before I stepped back. My heart was beating a lot faster and my body was jerking up and down uncontrollably. "You cannot be my boyfriend! I have my reasons! Okay! Don't fall in love with me!"

I turned and ran off. A few tears fell. And as I ran, I tore up the two sheets of paper that Jacky had given me.

# 7

**O** f course he could not fall in love with me. I had this curse that could harm him. It was to save him! However, why did he still do all these things when he did not like me? I wondered if he did that to all the girls he knew, then told them that he did not like them. _He must be that sort of person. A bastard who likes to see girls cry in front of him. A playboy._

_I hate him!_

I went home with my eyes still red. Landy was reading a magazine on the sofa. When she saw me, she frowned, knowing that something had happened. I told her everything within fifteen minutes.

"He sucks," she said, sharing my exasperation. "He just sucks. But he's just so...nice, isn't he? So romantic...so...nice."

"Idiot. I hate him. I hate him!"

"You love him, Joanna. It's the other way around."

Her sentence sent me into a whirlpool of thoughts. I cried so hard when he said he could not fall in love with me. Was it because I liked him? I had not cried that much since Mum's death.

My handphone beeped. There was an incoming SMS. Landy passed me the phone and said, "It has to be Jacky."

I opened the SMS and it was really from him.

"I'm sorrie if I say anything wrong...you will still come for the appointment, won't you?"

I read the SMS aloud to Landy. She beamed and exclaimed, "Say yes!"

I did not follow her advice. I replied, "No."

"I'm not keen anymore," I told Landy. "I don't wanna go out with an idiot."

"My gosh, you're going for the appointment, not going out with Jacky!"

I was still trying to control my tears. I should not cry in front of my best friend. I had always been the strong independent girl. _I will not cry for a guy!_

A new SMS came in.

"Let me fetch you on that day, okie?"

I replied a "no" again. I had enough of this guy. Trying to help me? _Or, maybe, he is just doing all this so that he can skip school! That bastard!_

"Come on, relax and let's look at it objectively. It's very obvious, Joanna, that you've fallen in love with Jacky. Why not just admit that, and we'll have an easier time deciding on whether to go or not?" Landy said, but I was not paying attention. I was looking at my phone, wondering whether Jacky would reply or not.

When the reply did not come after two minutes, I digested Landy's words. It was clear. It was just too clear. Maybe I just dared not admit it. Finally, after fifteen minutes, I dropped my first tear. I wiped it off instantly. Landy, somehow, had seen it.

"Cry it out, Joanna. Cry it out."

A new SMS: "Only you can help yourself. come on, reply a yes..."

I replied a "no".

"I know you're going to the clinic because of him," Landy said.

"I'm not!"

"Then," Landy whispered so soft that I had to read from her lips, "why are you not going anymore, after he said all that?" And she made sense.

A new SMS came in. "Vent your thoughts to others please...it's the only way out."

I replied, "No," and looked at Landy. I was lost for words.

Jacky replied, "Ease your illusions! let me help..."

I shrugged. I did not know what to tell Landy, and I did not reply to Jacky. I was caught at a crossroads, not knowing where to go. Landy was quiet, eyeing me, as if waiting for me to say something. Jacky sent three more SMSes in five minutes.

"You've gotta go for it!"

"Only you...yourself can help yourself..."

"Understanding yourself is most important..."

I stared at the SMSes. Landy was frowning, obviously curious about the SMSes that Jacky had sent me.

I crossed my legs, then my arms. Then I threw my handphone onto the sofa and closed my eyes. My mind had dealt with too many emotional battles within a day: It needed a long rest.

* * *

Avoiding Jacky was one of the toughest things to do in school.

He was everywhere. I tried not looking at him, but realized I could not. I wanted to see his expression: Was he angry, guilty or happy? Or, maybe, he was indifferent?

There was no change. His trademarked smile still lingered on his face. He still greeted tutors as if they were his best friends. He even tried to joke with me, but I did not laugh and he did not continue the conversation.

Finally, lunch break came and that was the most awkward moment as we always had our lunch together. I bought my own food and sat alone, wondering if he would still join me. One of my classmates sat beside me and I glared at her. She stared at me and walked off.

Jacky was at the drinks stall. _Will he buy me my drink?_ I eyed my food, trying to stop myself from looking at him. Then, a familiar deep voice: "Here's your drink. Soya bean milk."

I looked up. There he was, Jacky Wu, sitting beside me. I just stared at him, dumbfounded. He smiled and then ate his food. I did the same thing. A few awkward minutes passed.

"I'll pick you up next Tuesday morning. I've planned my application for an official break from the school."

"Okay."

_Okay?_ What was I thinking? _Landy, help me. Landy, I'm mad. Landy..._

"Good. It's been so long since I've seen the morning sun from an angle other than from the school on a weekday. I'm so excited."

I nodded. I must have been crazy. I felt so much like overturning the table and giving him a tight slap on his face. Yet, I just sat there, agreeing and nodding to everything he said. It was like I had lost control of myself. I must have been mad. _I must be!_

"Great," he said. "You received my SMSes yesterday?"

I nodded again.

"All of them? There's a hidden message. Can you decode it?"

I shrugged. _What is he talking about?_

"Have you deleted the SMSes?"

I nodded. If I said otherwise, he might get the idea that I had stored _every_ SMS that he sent me.

"Oh, okay," he said and then continued with his food. "Read some of Dan Brown's books. _The Da Vinci Code_ , _Deception Point_ and _Angels & Demons_. Most importantly, read _Digital Fortress_. It's a novel about breaking codes." He smiled and then suddenly laughed for no reason. "However, reading them won't help you break the code."

Was that a joke? If so, it was just so _not_ funny.

* * *

"Hidden message?" Landy was saying, looking at the SMSes. "Has he read _The Da Vinci Code_ too many times?"

"Beats me." I had written down all the SMSes on a sheet of paper. "Maybe he's just trying to be funny. He's always funny. But his jokes are not funny."

"Yeah, maybe that's why you like him."

I ignored her and stared at all the SMSes again.

_"I'm sorrie if I say anything wrong...you will still come for the appointment, won't you? Let me fetch you on that day, okie? Only you can help yourself. come on, reply a yes... Vent your thoughts to others please...it's the only way out. Ease your illusions! let me help... You've gotta go for it! Only you...yourself can help yourself... Understanding yourself is most important..."_

Hidden message? _Crap._ But still, I spent an hour reading and rereading the SMSes. It did not make sense. If he had wanted to start a conversation, he should have thought of a better idea than saying that there was a hidden message in his SMSes. _So silly._

# 8

**I** inspected the bright waiting area. There were many sofas along with some tables, and a few stacks of parenting magazines were resting on the tables.

Jacky approached me with two cups of plain water. A few parents were with their young children (most of them below five years old). "It's so empty here," I whispered, taking a sip of the water. If I had spoken in my normal voice, my voice would have carried throughout the entire waiting area.

The nurses at the counter were chatting with each other. A few doctors holding folders shuffled in and out of their room. I wondered which one of them would I be allocated to. The nurse had said "Dr Ong".

"Joanna Fung?" I looked up. Out of nowhere, a tall young man was standing in front of me. He looked like a decent chap with his thick glasses and neatly gelled hairstyle. I stood up instantly and offered my hand for a handshake. "Come with me, would you?" He smiled. I turned and looked at Jacky. He winked at me and then relaxed on the sofa.

I was led into Room 15, with the name "Dr Ong Kim Leng" tagged on the door. The room had a sofa, a table with toys, a big whiteboard and a desk with a computer. Dr Ong motioned me to sit down. I looked around and realized that I should sit on the sofa. I had never sat on a sofa when I visited a general practitioner.

"Okay, Joanna, seventeen years old. Junior college student. National Junior College. Not bad." He rolled his chair in front of me and pulled out a file with a pen. "Now, it's only you and me. Just you, Joanna Fung, and me, Dr Ong."

I nodded.

"So, whatever we say here, no one else is going to know. Okay? So we have a pact."

I nodded again, this time nervous.

"I just want to let you know that coming here is the right choice. You know something is wrong, and you're admitting it. Finally."

I did not want to nod; but still, I did. He was very naggy.

"Okay then, let's not waste time. So, come on, tell me what's bothering you."

Finally, I got to talk. I told him everything that I had told Jacky: the curse. Dr Ong was amazingly attentive: He kept on listening, and, while listening, he would write something on the file. Sometimes, he would draw something and ask me irrelevant questions.

"Tell me frankly, do you have a boyfriend?"

"No."

"Are you happy while chatting with your best friend, Landy?"

"Yes."

"How do you feel if I tell you that you're a very creative thinker?"

"I don't know."

Finally, after an hour, he closed his file. "Do you have any question for me?" he asked. I shook my head. "Okay then. What you're suffering from is a mental illness called obsessive compulsive disorder, or OCD for short."

I shrugged. I had never heard of that before.

"Before I go on to tell you what OCD is, I'll give you a simple example. Have you seen people in toilets washing their hands almost every few minutes, rubbing their hands with soap till they tear their skin?"

I nodded. I had known someone like that during my secondary school days. She just kept on going to the toilet to wash her hands. I had always thought that she was just paying more attention to hygiene than us.

"You see, they're also suffering from OCD. They feel that their hands are always dirty, so they have the urge to wash them again and again. They're obsessed with the thought of dirty hands. And they wash their hands to make them feel better. That's their compulsion."

"And?"

"You're also suffering from OCD. Your case is a bit different. You're obsessed with the thought that you're 'cursed'; hence, you have the compulsion of not talking to others. It will make you feel better."

_Crap_ , I thought.

"You see, we're always in a cycle of thoughts, feelings and behaviour. You have the thought of fear when talking to others, fearing that you might curse them. The fear is the feeling. So, your behaviour will be to avoid talking to them."

I toyed with my fingers; I was not paying attention. He stood up and began to draw the cycle for me to see.

"We can't drill a hole through your skull to change your thoughts. And, your feelings, your fears, are created by your thoughts. What you do, that is, your behaviour, is based on your feelings. So, we can only help to change your behaviour. Through a change in your behaviour, your thoughts and feelings will change as well. We'll go through a therapy called cognitive behavioural therapy to change your behaviour. In other words, to be happy, you have to change the world or change your thinking. We can't change the world for you. We're here to change your thinking through changing the way you behave. When your behaviour—"

"Okay, so when can we start?"

Dr Ong stared at me, his eyes and mouth wide open. I must have been the first patient to accept his diagnosis and treatment so readily.

* * *

"Obsession disordering of...computing," I explained to Jacky. "Eh, wait. OCD. Obsession computer disordering? I forgot the name. The short form is OCD."

"Sounds like the company in _RoboCop_ , OCP. And what is it all about?"

"I am obsessed with the 'curse'. And I'm controlled by it. So, they're trying to change my thinking—eh, no. Not thinking. They're trying to change my behaviour. So that my thinking will change. And my feelings will change."

"The thoughts-feelings-behaviour cycle. I've heard of it before."

"Whatever," I blurted. "And I'm supposed to meet this Mr Kam later. He'll do a therapy on me. Change my behaviour. Change my thoughts. Change my feelings. Crap."

I was prescribed with medication that cost about ten dollars. It was Fluoxetine, some sort of SSRI (as mentioned by Dr Ong) or, simply, an antidepressant.

We waited for another half an hour before Mr Kam came forward to greet me. He was in his forties with a lean build. He led me to another room, leaving Jacky alone again.

This time, the room was smaller. There were two small chairs, a small table and a desk. The walls were adorned with drawings by children less than ten years old. I sat on one of the chairs. "I've read your file. I know about your condition, but I would like to hear the whole story again from you."

And once again, I revealed my curse. Amazingly, I had told three people about my curse within two weeks.

"Alright. OCD." Mr Kam was not as friendly as Dr Ong. "This therapy involves doing something that you might find uncomfortable. We'll, however, do it progressively. You think you can curse someone. So, come on. Curse me."

I cupped my mouth, my eyes so wide open that I felt that the eyeballs would roll out. _He is insane. He must be_. I had never expected that the fourth person I had confided my secret to would ask me to curse him.

"Go on, curse me."

"I really have the curse," I said. "Don't play these games."

He pointed at his forehead. "It's all in the mind, Joanna. Your thoughts. Your thoughts are telling you it's wrong. But I want to prove your mind wrong instead. Curse me. When your behaviour changes, so will your thoughts and, eventually, your feelings. And then, you'll be cured. Come on."

I was thinking of Jacky. I wondered how he would react.

"No," I said.

"Do you want to be cured?"

"I'm not sick. I'm cursed."

"Trust me. Just this once. Just say that sentence. Prove me wrong."

"I don't want to ruin you!"

"You won't. Curse me leniently then. We'll do it slowly."

"No, please..."

"Oh, come on! Don't make me lure you with candies. You're already seventeen."

"Please don't force me..."

"Come on!"

"Stop it..."

"Curse me!"

I could no longer take it. I stared at him, thought for a while, then said softly, "You'll break your arm within this week."

Mr Kam smiled. He must be sick in the mind. _He is the sick one, not me. That sicko! Trouble-seeker._ "Good, Joanna. How are you feeling now?"

I kept quiet for a while. "Guilty. I just want to say sorry in advance to you. I hope you've bought insurance."

"Don't worry, I'm insured. From a scale of one to one hundred, one being least anxious, one hundred being most anxious, how anxious are you feeling now?"

"Hundred," I said. He showed me a sheet of paper with a table drawn on it and wrote something.

We chatted about irrelevant things for the next ten minutes. He told me the various kinds of obsessions or fears people had, like the fear of using a fork and the fear of crossing the road. I was kind of amused, yet at the same time amazed by these real-life stories. Mine did not seem serious compared to someone who was afraid of seeing anything that was green. After fifteen minutes, he asked me how anxious I was again. I said hundred once more. An hour later, he asked again and I said hundred. Mr Kam did not look pleased.

He got me another date to come back for the next therapy session. "I believe by then it won't be one hundred."

"Maybe more," I said and went out to meet Jacky.

When I told him what I had done, he just smiled. He did not believe in my curse either. _I will show him. I will show them just how powerful my curse is._

_Gosh, can't they understand me?_

# 9

**_S_** _ometimes_ , I thought, _strange things happen._

After Mum's death, I had not celebrated my birthday. I would spend the day daydreaming or watching television. Landy did know when my birthday was; but strangely, she never once made an effort to celebrate it with me.

However, that year, it was special. I had gone to school as usual; absorbed in the tutor's voice, immersed in the countless tutorials and listening to Jacky's snores. When school ended, Jacky approached me. He was half smiling and not looking into my eyes. That was the first time I saw embarrassment in him.

"Hi, Joanna, well..." He opened his bag and took out a wrapped box. It was rather small and the wrapping was done exquisitely. It was tied with a red ribbon. "Happy...happy bird—bird-day," he said and held the box with both his hands towards me.

I took a step back, inspected the box and then eyed him. A long silence took over. Jacky's head was still hanging low. After a few seconds, he bit his teeth and whispered, "Take it, quick! I'm going to pee if you don't take it!"

Finally, I took the present. "Thanks," I said. It was light and the box was hard. It had to be plastic.

"I've got to go," he said and went off, leaving me alone with the box. "I'm not embarrassed! I'm really not embarrassed! I just need to pee! Just, just wear it every day _lah_!" he yelled as he was far away from me.

_Hey, idiot, the toilet is not that direction._

I went home and, with Landy, we opened the present. It was a branded watch. From then on, I wore the watch almost every time I went out. It became part of my life.

_That silly guy. What's there to be embarrassed about?_

* * *

Jacky accompanied me when I went for my next appointment with Dr Ong.

"How was the therapy with Mr Kam?" Dr Ong asked.

"I cursed him."

Dr Ong did not seem worried. He wrote something on his file. "Good. Okay, I remember you once said you've got a best friend called Landy who is 'immune' to your curse?"

I nodded.

"Can you get her to meet me on your next appointment?"

"I don't think there's a need—"

"Doctor's order. It will help a lot. Okay?"

I nodded reluctantly. When I told Jacky about it, he said he was eager about meeting Landy too. And I felt something. Like some minor anger, with Landy's image.

_Is that feeling...jealousy?_

* * *

When more strange things happened, I knew my life had changed.

On one of the days, I woke up very early in the morning. Having nothing to do, I took out almost every food in the fridge. Then I took three slices of wholemeal bread and began to make a sandwich with all the fillings.

I completed my ten-centimetre-tall sandwich after fifteen minutes and packed it into a box. Before lunch break that day, I had intended to pass Jacky the sandwich. But Jacky, as usual, ran to his favourite stall the moment we were released, so as to be first in the queue. After we had finished our meal, I passed him the sandwich.

"You made it?"

I nodded, not looking at him. But I was curious to see his expression, so I stole a quick look at him, and I saw the most beautiful expression ever.

His eyes were red. He was munching the sandwich as if he had not eaten for days—when he had just finished a large bowl of noodles. He kept looking at me.

"Is it nice?" I asked.

"Too nice," he said, and suddenly I could hear his breathing. He was blinking a lot faster, as if to fight any tear. Maybe from eating too much. "Too nice. Just too bloody nice."

* * *

"You made a sandwich for him? But you're such a lousy cook! I meant, two months ago, you tried cooking instant noodles with egg and you didn't even bother to crack open the egg. Wait a moment." Landy leaned forward to me. I could not tell whether she was serious or not. "Did you actually use bread to make the sandwich? Or did you use sand?"

I pushed her away and laughed. "Bread. And yeah, by the way, Dr Ong wants to see you."

"Me?" Landy crossed and uncrossed her legs a few times. "Why me?"

"I don't know. You're my best friend. My only friend. Maybe that's why."

"Can I...not go?"

"Come on, go. You'll be able to see Jacky."

"Oh, I know it now," Landy said, throwing a few Mentos sweets into her mouth. "Jacky here, Jacky there. Okay then, I'll go for you. Tell me, is that Dr Ong handsome? Is he married?"

"I didn't see a ring, so I think he's single and available. He has a body of steel and a nuclear-powered mind. But be careful: He spent his campus life learning how to read people's mind. You won't wanna play with his heart."

"I love challenges."

* * *

I was having my breakfast that day in school with Jacky beside me when my handphone rang. It was a nurse from CGC. After confirming my identity, she said, "You've got an appointment with Mr Kam this afternoon, right?"

"Yes," I said and looked at Jacky. He had stopped eating and was staring at me. Mr Kam was the therapist I had cursed not too long ago.

"Mr Kam is on sick leave. He'll be back next month. I've checked with Dr Ong, your doctor. He said he'd appoint another therapist for you. You've an appointment with Dr Ong tomorrow, right? He'll brief you more on that. Therefore, your appointment with Mr Kam for this afternoon is cancelled."

I nodded; I had been expecting that. Jacky's mouth was wide open, trying to read something from my expression. I must have been frowning.

"And yes, Dr Ong reminds you to bring your friends along."

"Friends?" I asked. I thought it was just Landy?

"Yes, that'll be...Miss Landy and Mr Jacky."

_Oh. Jacky is just a friend._

"I will. Will do. Thanks."

After I had told Jacky everything, he shrugged and then smiled. "Dr Kam must have a very high fever."

"He broke his arm."

"The nurse said that?"

"No, I didn't ask—"

"Then let's just presume that he has a very, very high fever, okay?" Jacky argued. "Please, Joanna. Mr Kam has a very high fever. Come on, repeat after me. Mr Kam has a very high—"

"—fever," I said, feeling like a primary school child.

"No, you must repeat after me. Every single word. Mr Kam has a very high fever. Come on."

"Mr Kam has a very high fever," I said and then realized something.

When I was with Jacky, I felt like a child in a kindergarten. And he; he was neither the teacher, nor one of the children. He was the big brother who always stood outside the room, looking through the window, smiling, encouraging and giving me tips. And throughout the whole day, I would be staring at the window, wondering when I would be able to be with him again.

_Oh shit. Have I lost my mind? What the hell am I thinking?_

# 10

**"S** he knows how to get here?" Jacky asked me for the fifth time.

"Yes," I answered impatiently. We were at the waiting area of CGC waiting for Landy. Jacky and I had come down directly after school. Landy said she had applied for leave just for the appointment.

The lift door opened and, finally, Landy appeared. She was wearing a body-hugging T-shirt and jeans. "Landy, this is Jacky," I said. Jacky's eyes were wide open, looking at the wall behind Landy. Landy smiled broadly and held up her hand for a handshake.

"Hi, Jacky. I've heard _a lot_ about you," Landy said, obviously trying to tease me.

Jacky looked surprised, as if Landy was some superstar. _Have they met before?_ His eyes did not meet Landy's. Instead, he kept on staring at me, then at the wall behind Landy. He seemed to be avoiding Landy. "Oh, Landy." He shook his head for a while. Landy's hand was still up. "Oh, Landy, Landy. Hi, Landy," he said, waving to Landy instead. Then he massaged his forehead for a while.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

"Nothing," Jacky whispered, "just another headache. Landy is too beautiful, she's giving me a headache."

Landy laughed and we went to the waiting area. Dr Ong came out shortly, inspecting Jacky. Landy greeted Dr Ong, but he was too intent on studying Jacky.

"Dr Ong, this is Jacky." I pointed at Jacky, then at Landy. "And this is Landy."

Dr Ong turned and looked at Landy for a while, then said, "Okay, Landy, can you follow me to the room?"

"What?" Jacky whispered. He crossed his legs and bit his teeth, looking uncomfortable. Dr Ong then smiled at Jacky. I patted Jacky's shoulder. "It's going to be okay. Dr Ong is a nice guy." Dr Ong then went to the room with Landy.

Jacky remained silent, as if he was deep in thought. I had never seen him so quiet before. However, since there was nothing I could do, we just sat staring into space. A few minutes later, Dr Ong came out alone.

"Jacky?" Dr Ong called. He held up his hand and, this time, Jacky shook it. "Come this way, please. Joanna, you stay here for a while, okay? I need to talk to them alone."

I nodded.

I killed time by drinking water from the water cooler, reading magazines about parenting and counting the chairs in the waiting area. About half an hour later, I was summoned to the room. Landy had left, leaving Jacky alone in the room. Strangely, I had not seen her walking out. But she had sent me an SMS, explaining that she had something on.

"Jacky, you may go out now."

I nearly laughed. Just when I thought things were going to be exciting, Jacky was sent out. In any case, I felt more comfortable with Dr Ong alone.

"I'll assign another therapist for you," Dr Ong said.

"I cursed the previous one. Told him that he would break his arm. He asked for it. That's why he's on long-term MC."

"He had malaria, Joanna. He didn't break his arm."

I said nothing, knowing that he must be lying to make me feel better. _Doctors always lie, right?_

"It's true. Anyway, I've decided to increase the dosage of your antidepressants. Don't keep yourself hungry. Have some carbohydrates, like rice or noodles, when you're hungry. It'll make you feel better. Don't let your stomach yell for food."

"Whatever."

"I'll call you again after I've assigned another therapist for you."

I was desperate to get out of the room. To meet Jacky, perhaps. After Dr Ong was done, I dashed out and, as I predicted, Jacky was relaxing on the sofa, reading one of the parenting magazines upside down. But he was not smiling. That was not normal. In fact, that was very abnormal.

He wanted to take a taxi. After much discussion, I agreed. His stern expression somehow made me weak, as if I had to give in to his every request.

When we were inside the taxi, Jacky said, "West Coast Park."

I protested, but he said nothing. And when he said nothing, it meant something. So I went with him.

_Oh, gosh, where the hell is Landy when I most need her?_

* * *

We took a long walk along the beach, looking out at the sea.

The sun was setting, leaving a breathtaking image on the horizon. The sea seemed to be slowly devouring the yellow light at the horizon. The tide was high, constantly threatening to push the sea to our feet.

We chatted as we walked. Jacky told me more about his childhood and his mother. He said that he felt compelled to help others when he was young due to his father's death. His father was his hero. I, having nothing to say about any hero, just told him more about Landy. I was about to mention one of Landy's funny habits when he suddenly interrupted.

"Can I hold your hand?" he said.

I wanted to smile, to jump around in ecstasy and hug him tight, and then kiss him and tell him how delighted I was. However, I just balled my hands into fists and whispered, "I only allow my boyfriend to hold my hand."

"Can I hold your hand?"

I looked away from him, trying to find something to say. "You can't be my boyfriend. You said that before. You've got your...reasons."

"Can I hold your hand?"

That was when I felt like punching him. "No. Because only lovers hold hands. And we are not lovers." _Not yet._

"Can I hold your hand?"

"I am not your girlfriend. I cannot be because you've got your own reasons. And I've got this curse."

"Can I hold your hand?

"Only if you're my boyfriend and I'm your girlfriend, then you can. You're not my boyfriend."

"Can I hold your hand?"

"Remember what you once said?" I bit my lips. I was staring at the ground, my heart beating a lot faster. My body seemed to jerk and I was blinking fast. "If we hold hands, my reputation will be tarnished. You...don't want that to occur."

"Can I...hold your hand?" he repeated, this time a lot weaker.

I continued walking. That was getting nowhere. I turned to him, ready to scold him aloud when I saw the most heartfelt emotion in a person.

His eyes were red, and a few tears were rolling off his eyes. He was breathing deeply. For the first time since I had known him, the tough and jovial Jacky was _crying_ in front of me.

And he did not hold my hand. Instead, I held his and wiped off his tears. Once I took a deep breath, tears rolled out of my eyes as well, and I began to tremble.

We were like two scared, crying school kids who were lost. But whenever I felt his hand on mine, I felt no fear.

Only warmth.

* * *

We held hands till we reached my house. Throughout the journey, we were silent, as if words had suddenly vanished from our mind. But when we arrived at my void deck, he released my hand and said, "Joanna, I'm always here. I'm always here, if you ever need me. Here." He pointed to his heart.

I could no longer resist the urge to hug him. I wrapped my arms around him. The introvert Joanna was crying for the second time within a span of an hour. "Thanks," that was all I could manage to say.

Jacky released me gently and used his fingers, ever so tenderly, to wipe off my tears. "Remember this. If you ever need me and I'm not around, just wait for me. Because I'll always be here."

I nodded.

"I am just like the sun, and you the flower. I'll provide sunlight for you to blossom. Sometimes, clouds will prevent me from reaching you. But you'll know that I'm always trying to reach you. Just wait for the clouds to clear if you can't receive my sunlight."

I nodded. If he continued, I could flood the void deck with my tears.

"Remember: To be happy, you either change the world, or you change the way you do things. To be realistic, you have to change your thinking by changing your behaviour to be happy. But, me...me. Joanna, I will change the world for you. So that you will be happy."

I said nothing because my throat was choked with my sobbing.

_Gosh oh gosh. Don't wake me up. Please, let time come to a standstill now. Right now. Gosh._

* * *

Landy was munching biscuits on the sofa when I reached home. I had always envied how she could eat a lot and yet maintain her weight. When she saw my red eyes, we started our girls' talk again.

And I told her what I felt.

"I've fallen in love with a guy. His name is Jacky Wu Zhong Xian. But I don't know if he likes me or not," I said. I was lying on the sofa, still in my uniform. I did not feel like bathing, as if the water would wash away Jacky's hug.

"Of course he likes you! I mean, he held your hand, he said all those...mushy, yet romantic things. Don't tell me he says that to every girl," Landy said. She seemed to know everything.

Although she made sense, I still could not forget what had happened that night. "But that day, he said that I could not be his girlfriend. For some reason."

She sighed. "Guys. Maybe he wasn't ready that day. Now that he is ready, what are you waiting for?"

_What am I waiting for?_

# 11

**I** got a call from a nurse the next morning. Dr Ong had assigned another therapist for me. I agreed to go, but I had already decided not to. I had ruined Mr Kam with my curse. They had to believe it.

Jacky became Jacky again. It was like the previous day had never occurred. He continued to wear that smile everywhere he went. I wondered if he would treat me like a girlfriend; but no, he treated me just like how he had treated me before. There was no difference.

We spent the next few days studying as normal. By the next week, we were on schedule for the full dress rehearsal of our play.

We had agreed to sing the song together near the end of the play. And I had agreed to do the play with an impromptu script. After we had changed into our costumes, I waited backstage. The song was then played loudly.

"2.00 a.m. and the rain is falling

Here we are at the crossroads once again

You're tellin' me you're so confused

You can't make up your mind

Is this meant to be

You're asking me"

Jacky was lying on the stage, his eyes closed. I walked onto the stage slowly, looking at the "unconscious" Jacky.

"Romeo," I whispered, "no, Romeo..." I rushed forward and knelt in front of him, holding his head up. I could hear his breaths and smell his sweat. "Romeo..." I held his hand and clutched it tight. It was warm. I gripped it tighter and then lay my head on his chest. "Why are you going away now when I'm so in love with you? Why?"

The audience, comprising our tutors and classmates, was so quiet that we might even hear the flapping of a mosquito's wings. My breaths were unsteady. I was blinking fast again. "Please _leh_ , stay with me. I love you."

I should have given the cue to play the song, but I forgot to do that. Instead, I laid my head on Jacky's chest, hearing his every heartbeat. Strangely, I had a fear: I feared that his heart might stop beating anytime.

After about a minute of silence, the song was played again.

"But only love can say

Try again or walk away

But I believe

For you and me

The sun will shine one day

So I'll just play my part

And pray you'll have a change of heart

But I can't make you see it through

_That's something only love can do..."_

When the song faded off, I looked at a cup of green tea beside me. "Poison," I said to let the audience know that, that was _not_ green tea. "Poison..." I tightened my grip on his hand and heard a soft groan from Jacky through his closed mouth. "Wait for me, Jacky. What for I live when you not around?" I gulped the green tea.

I shook and nodded my head for several seconds before dropping onto the floor, my hand still holding on to Jacky's. After a while, I sensed movement. Jacky was waking up. He said something before lying on my back.

Everyone clapped. We thought we had done very well until one of the tutors spotted an obvious mistake.

"When you're on the stage," she said, "Jacky is Romeo and you're Juliet."

I wondered whether she was being sarcastic or she was serious about pointing out my mistake.

* * *

Our literature tutor, Mrs Goh, treated us to dinner after the full dress rehearsal.

Everyone was impressed with our performance. They said Jacky and I had acted with emotions and it was a very touching play.

"Call Landy and get her to join us," Jacky cut in after we had placed our orders. I thought that was not a good idea, so I did not call her. But Jacky persisted. "Go on, call her."

"No means no," I said. I felt like we were a couple having a spat in front of our friends. _Am I going to say, "You're going to get it from me when we get home"?_ Jacky shook his head slightly and gave up.

The students got their parents or partner to send them home. Mrs Goh offered to send Jacky and me home, but we politely refused. And so, we took a long bus ride back home.

"Call Landy," Jacky commanded when we were in the bus. There were less than ten people in the bus.

"For what?"

He glanced out of the window then pressed the bell. With that, he grabbed my hand and pulled me out of the bus. I pushed his hand off and looked around me. "Knock it off! What the heck are you doing?" We were at a deserted bus stop.

"Why didn't you go for the previous appointment with Dr Ong? Listen to me, Joanna. Listen to me well. Go for the appointments with Dr Ong. You're sick." He pointed to my forehead. "You need help."

I shoved his hand off and snorted, "What do you know about me? Why act as if you were me! I cursed one of them! If I had been harsher..." I stopped. I should not talk that much. "Just..." I paused again.

"I'm going to prove it to you if you still don't believe me."

"Prove what?"

"Take out your handphone."

I threw my bag to the ground and gnashed my teeth. "I'm not your dog. I don't do what you want me to do!"

"I'm going to prove that your best friend Landy is just an imaginary friend."

I stopped breathing for exactly one second. That was it. _That is too much._ I slapped his right cheek hard, feeling the pain on my hand. He stared at me as if it did not hurt, but his cheek began to flush.

" _Landy doesn't exist_ ," he said.

I gave him another tight slap. Despite the cars whizzing near us, the loud sound of the impact echoed into the night. Our eyes locked and images of Landy jogged in my mind.

"You created her. She is the perfect portrayal of a person you desire to be. That's very normal, Joanna. Nothing to be ashamed of. Many children have imaginary friends. They get over it. You've just been talking to your imaginary friend for the—"

"No!" I yelled. My hand was too painful for another slap. "No, no, no! This can't be! After all these...after all these fucking...fucking...fuck!" I turned. _She is my only friend!_ A bus came and I raised my hand, but it continued to drive past me. It was an off-service bus.

"Joanna—"

"Get away from me."

"Take out your handphone. Show me Landy is real."

I did as he said.

"Now, read out Landy's handphone number to me."

I scrolled through my contacts in my handphone. L...Lay Hong, Lemon, Leslie, Luke and finally Luther. I scrolled again. Still the same. Landy Wen Wen Lan was her full name. I scrolled to W. Wendy and Winnie. Still no Landy.

"9..." I stopped. I did not know what to say. "9..." _Her number must be there! Someone must have deleted her number from my handphone. Yes, her number was my last dialled call_. I just had to get to my call history.

Last Dialled Contact: ^_^ Jacky Wu ^_^.

"No..." I looked up at Jacky. He was frowning, but I knew he must have been enjoying every moment. _That bastard..._

"When you talk to the phone, you're just talking to yourself."

"But you saw her! You fucking saw her that day!"

"I saw no one. I pretended I saw her. Because I did not know what to do. I was so confused. Did you know what you did that day?" He broke into a smile and then nodded at nothing. "Landy, this is Jacky." He paused. "This was what you did. You were talking to the air."

"She was there!" I screamed. "Dr Ong saw her as well—"

"He pretended as well. He thought if we were to tell you that day, you would be agitated. He said that the best solution for an imaginary friend is to let it go away naturally. Make you happy, make you feel socially involved and the imaginary friend will disappear. That's the reason why he has increased the dosage of your antidepressants."

"My grandmother can see her as well. Explain that to me then!"

"Your grandmother is three-quarter blind. She can't tell the difference between Landy and the door. Who else has seen Landy before? No one."

"You're lying," I said. "You're lying!" I saw a taxi from afar. I grabbed my bag and raised my hand. "Fuck off, Jacky. You're ruining my life."

"Please—"

I could hear his fading voice, but he did not give chase. Before I got into the taxi, I took off the watch he had given me for my birthday and threw it far away.

_That bastard. That fucking bastard._

# 12

**I** cried throughout the whole journey home. The taxi driver did nothing. He must have picked up crying girls all too often.

When I reached home minutes later, I called Landy. Strangely, all I did was to press the last dialled contact and Landy's voice came.

"Landy, can you do me a favour? Come out now. I need your help."

A few minutes later, Landy and I were out on the streets. It was nine at night, but the kopitiam was still teeming with people. I approached the middle-aged woman who always sold fish soup to me.

"Hi, Auntie," I said. She was an old frail lady; but when I greeted her, her eyes sparkled. She must have been surprised, for I had never greeted her before. I usually just made my order.

"Oh, hi, Ah Girl," she replied after some hesitation.

I pointed at Landy. "This is my best friend, Landy," I said in Mandarin.

She looked at Landy. _I knew I was right!_ However, after a few seconds, she took a step back and bit her lips. "What? Huh?"

I started to shiver. _This can't be..._ "This young and pretty lady here"—I rested my hand on Landy's shoulder—"is my best friend."

The woman was lost for words. "I..." Then, she took out a yellow paper from her wallet and clapped her hands. I stared in disbelief. She started to pray. "God bless..." Then she said something that I could not understand. Before I could say anything, she turned to me and said aloud, "Ah Girl, don't joke."

Landy was still smiling.

I did this experiment a few more times with some other people. They either told me to stop joking or thought I was possessed.

None of them could see Landy.

Except me.

And just when I was about to ask Landy about this, she was gone. Just like that. _Poof_ , gone without any warning. And, as expected, her number disappeared from my contacts again.

_Oh. Bastard Jacky. He should have just shut the fuck up and left the truth unrevealed._

* * *

I felt lonely.

I went to school as usual the next day. This time, however, it felt like it was the first day of school again. I was trying hard to avoid Jacky, but he was still as sticky as glue. He tried to start a conversation, but I would cut him off with these two words: "Shut up."

Finally, lunch break came. This was the first time that I was not looking forward to it. Jacky bought my drink, but I went off and bought my own. "Joanna—"

"Shut up," I said for the tenth time.

"Let me help—"

"Why are you doing all this?" I was boiling with anger. _Could it be the laksa in front of me that drove me to this?_ When I looked at Jacky, I realized it was not the laksa. It was his face: his compassionate face that fuelled the anger within me. "Why are you doing all this, Jacky?" I was half yelling.

"I want to do something meaningful—"

"Fuck you!" I screamed. The whole canteen went quiet. Only the whir of the fans could be heard. "Don't give me that fucking excuse anymore! There're so many people in this school: Why me? Why?"

He was quiet and seemed to be on the verge of tears.

"Is it because you pity me?" If he had been facing me, I could have given him a tight slap. "Is it because you think I need sympathy, that's why you're doing all this?"

"Yes. Maybe because I pity you, that's why I'm doing all this," he said softly. People were inching forward, trying to make out what he had just said.

"And when you knew that my best friend is an imaginary friend, you pitied me more? That's why you held my hand? Be nice to me, because the solution for imaginary friends is to make me happy and socially involved? That's why you said all those fucking idiotic things to me at the void deck?"

I could tell that he was thinking. "Maybe," he answered softly again. "That could be the reason."

"You bastard," I whispered. I splashed my soya bean milk onto his face. Then I smacked his cheek—hard. People gasped. "You bastard," I said again and then walked off.

I was expecting him to give chase. But he did not.

He must have stopped pitying me. I went straight to the toilet. No one bothered to come forward to console me. After washing my tears off, I went back to class. I dreaded having to see Jacky again.

We did not say anything to each other for the rest of the day. I confined myself to my notes and he slept in class.

_Gosh, oh gosh. What the heck has just happened? What the heck have I just done? An imaginary friend? A one-sided romance?_

Then it occurred to me. It was then I knew why Jacky could not be my boyfriend. That night, when he said that we could not be together, I had cursed him. I had cursed him not to fall in love with me when I was angry.

_My gosh._ It was my fault. _My fault!_

* * *

I went back to an empty flat. Grandma came home after a few hours.

"Grandma," I asked in Hokkien, "do you remember Landy?"

"Of course," she replied.

I looked around the living room, pointed to the empty sofa and said, "She's here."

She made an effort to look at the sofa, then turned back to me. Her answer sent chills down my spine. "Yes, she still looks so beautiful. I'm going back to my room. You have a nice chat with her. Good night."

"Grandma, can you...chat with me?" I requested. Since Mum's death, I had not had a decent chat with Grandma. We had a "hi-bye" relationship. She had earned her living through collecting cans and donations from the residents. My allowance came from her and my aunt.

Grandma rolled her eyes. She ambled to the sofa and sat down, patting the seat beside her. She must have forgotten that Landy was "there".

Jacky had called me a few times, but I rejected all his calls. I felt that he was just putting on a mask—behind that mask was a playboy.

"I'm feeling very lonely," I told Grandma. It was just so weird: Grandma had always been so close to me, yet I had always consigned her to one side, as if she did not exist.

"How old are you already, Gwan?" she asked. Gwan was the name that my parents used to call me. It had been such a long time since someone called me that, that I nearly could not remember that, that was my name.

I told her almost everything about me: my age, my school and my life in general. I did not tell her about Landy and my curse. Instead, I found myself talking to her about Jacky. It just came out from nowhere.

"He's a very nice and handsome guy," I said. "Tall, tanned and always smiling. I always tell myself that I have not fallen in love with him."

"Why?"

"Because...I don't know. I know I couldn't love him. Grandma, what does love feel like?"

Grandma took a long breath. However, I could tell that she was not thinking. She was merely preparing for a very long chat—as if the answer was long, yet simple. "Easy. Tell me, two hours ago, who were you thinking of?"

I answered almost immediately: "Jacky."

"Who are you thinking of now?"

"Jacky."

"And if you're still thinking of him two hours later, you're in love. Gwan, love is a simple thing. It's either you love, or you don't. You can try everything, almost everything to prevent yourself from loving, but it all boils down to this: Either you love, or you don't."

I pondered on her words.

"It doesn't matter how long the love lasts. You'll be contented once you know that you were in love before. Have I told you about the magnet theory?"

I shook my head.

"You're like the north pole of a bar magnet, and Jacky is also the north pole of a bar magnet. There's no way for the both of you to be close together. There's a force that'll always push you both apart. This force is called the obstacle, like interest differences, communication problems or whatnot.

"However, if we put a metal cube between you two, both of you will stick to it. And you'll be close to each other. That metal cube 'dissolves' the force that pushes both of you away from each other. And that metal cube is what we call love."

_Bullshit._

However, when I realized I was thinking of Jacky two hours later, I began to ponder on her words again. _Our metal cube...where can we find it?_ I wanted so much to ask Grandma, but she was asleep.

And so, I went to bed as well.

# 13

**S** ometimes, it was so difficult to say just three words.

I could smell the rich aroma of Jacky's coffee. He was sitting beside me, taking another sip of his coffee. I stirred my soya bean milk with my straw and yawned.

He still sat beside me in class, and I did not—or had no reason to—object. We had our lunch in silence. Jacky did not buy my drink; instead I bought his for him. Yet, he just passed me the money without saying a word.

Through the corner of my eyes, I could see that he had finished his coffee and was coughing. My cup of soya bean milk was still full. There were still about ten more minutes before we had to head back to class.

_Come on, say it, Joanna!_

I turned to Jacky. He returned my look. His hair was dishevelled and his eyes were, for some reason, bloodshot. Despite downing the whole cup of coffee, his lips still looked dry. "You look pale," I suddenly said and instantly regretted it.

"Is it?" He grabbed the back of his neck. "Lack of sleep. Been thinking..."

I wanted so much to crack a joke so that he would regain the colour on his cheeks. But I did not.

_Come on, just three words!_

"Hey," I said, softer this time. I did not want others to hear me.

"Hey," he replied. _That idiot. Can't he see that I'm struggling to say something to him?_

"Hey," I said again.

"Hey."

"Hey, hey."

"Can I..." He stopped.

"Wait." I felt as if this conversation was going nowhere. "I—"

"Hold your—"

"Love—"

"Hand?"

"You."

When we both finished our sentence, his head dropped on the table slowly, creating a bang. His body began to drop towards me. I leaned forward to hold his shoulders, trying to break his fall, but he was too heavy. He went tumbling onto the ground and all I could do was to lessen the impact of his fall.

His cheeks were drained of colour. I shook his shoulders violently. Bewildered students crowded around us, whispering and screaming yet doing nothing.

"Jacky!" I continued to shake him. "Jacky!"

A tutor came, dispersed the students and sent Jacky to the hospital.

And I tagged along, my heart beating so fast that I could have had a heart attack anytime.

* * *

Jacky's mother was a beautiful woman except for the wrinkles that came with age—it was clear where Jacky's striking features had come from. She sat in the waiting room, muttering things that I could not understand.

I was with a few of my classmates, all waiting anxiously as Jacky was wheeled into some room. Michael was trying to console all of us, and he was the one who introduced us as Jacky's classmates to his mother.

The wait was over in about fifteen minutes. The doctor came out and talked to Jacky's mother for a while. He was not smiling, nor was he frowning. When he was done, the nurse spoke to Jacky's mother as the doctor went off to attend to other patients.

We went forward. I was trying to understand more from Jacky's mother's expression. She seemed relieved—yet upset.

"Jacky is fine. Thanks a lot for all your concern. He just fainted due to stress over his studies. And he's not fit to see anyone now. Come back another day, okay?" Jacky's mother told us after the nurse had left.

Everyone left, but I stayed. I could sense that something was wrong. Jacky's mother did not seem worried when talking to us. What left me puzzled was why Jacky should be hospitalized when he was merely under too much stress. There had to be some other reasons.

When I entered the ward, Jacky's mother's eyes were red. She had been crying. The moment she saw me, she covered her eyes for a while before opening them.

"Didn't I tell you all to go back home first?" she said, a bit impatiently.

"Can I talk to you?"

* * *

Instead of talking at the hospital cafeteria, we went to the park.

Unlike Jacky, his mother was a reserved woman. Throughout the whole walk, she said nothing. When we reached the park, we sat beside an old man. The old man was wearing a patient's pyjamas, and he kept smiling at me as if he knew me.

"It's not just stress, right?"

"It is."

"Being hospitalized for overstress? Not waking up till now simply because he's under too much stress? I've—"

"Please don't pretend as if you know Jacky very well. You're just his classmate, a friend, or whatever. Please, I don't want to start a quarrel or whatever. When I said it's stress, it's stress. What more can I say?"

"But—"

"He's just under too much stress. If you don't believe me, fine with whatever you think. I'm going back to my office. I don't want to be overstressed myself." With that, she went off, leaving me alone with the old man.

"Young lady," the old man suddenly said, "are you just his classmate, his friend?"

He must have been eavesdropping on our conversation. However, I saw no harm in telling a stranger the truth, so I said, "I believe I'm more than that. No, I _hope_ that I'm more than that."

"Okay then, love him while you can. In love, there's only love or don't love. Since you love him, do it now," the old man said.

_Why do all old people say the same thing?_ For a second, I wondered whether he was my dead Grandpa or not.

* * *

Fifteen minutes later, everything fell into place. It all made so much sense that I changed into a T-shirt to buy a pack of cigarettes, lit one before going back to the ward.

_"I wanna help you. To see you smile."_

_"I want to do something meaningful while I can."_

Jacky had said that before. To do something meaningful _while he can_. I shivered at that thought. I really hoped that it would not be what I expected.

I walked up the stairs with my head spinning. The cigarette had made me giddy. Jacky had awakened when I reached the ward. He was smiling.

"Hey," I said.

He just nodded weakly and pointed to the vacuum flask beside him. I poured him water. "I like coffee better." He smiled. " _Kopi-O Siew Dai._ "

"Why didn't you tell me?" I said. I was biting my lip, taking deep breaths. I could hear every single beat of my heart, and it was so fast that I was unable to count.

"You know?" Jacky mouthed.

"Your mother told me all about it."

"Can't be. She promised not to tell anyone. She never breaks promises."

"How can a matter like this be kept a secret?" I said. I realized I was smiling. _Gosh._ "So, how many more months do you have?" I suddenly asked. Then whispered very, very softly, "Fuck."

Jacky was avoiding my gaze.

_Please, say I'm wrong, say you don't understand what I meant...please. Please. Or just let me wake up._

It was one of the longest waits in my life. My hands were clutched and I felt the shape of my lips: I was smiling.

_Fuck, I'm fucking insane. I'm smiling. I'm smiling. I'm smiling!_

Then he did the most astonishing feat I had ever seen in my life. He grabbed a lump of his hair, shook a bit, and pulled it out. His hair was in his hand; his scalp had nothing but few strands of hair.

"Two more years, if I don't have the operation within these few months."

_Fuck_.

# 14

**"C** an't be." I was shaking and smiling at the same time. "Can't be...not now...not now! Can't be!"

_How can everything come at this time? Just when I realized I love him, he has to say that he is dying soon? How can this be happening?_

_No!_

Jacky grabbed my hand. "Calm down—"

"What disease do you have?" I whispered. I was taking three deep breaths a second. "What...?"

"I thought you know—"

"I lied," I said that so softly that I wondered if I had said anything. I stood up and looked out of the window. On the slight reflection of myself via the windowpane, my eyes were half-closed, red with tears streaming down fast. I was shaking profusely, as if there was an earthquake.

"To put it simply, brain cancer. It's a hereditary disease, I think. My father had stomach cancer. And now, I've got brain cancer."

"Isn't there a cure for it?"

"Basically, no. The doctors can only stop the cancer cells from spreading. That's radiation, as chemo can't reach the brain. There's a tumour in my head, so it's hard to do treatment. The only way is..."

"Surgery?"

"Right, but it's an operation on the brain. So the risk involved is very high. And the chance of a full remission—that is, recovery—is only..." He paused. I waited, as I did not want to interrupt him. "Fifteen percent."

"Fifteen? One-five: fifteen?"

"Yes."

I ran my fingers through my hair. _Why...why is this happening? Why?_

"No..." I was whispering. I stared at the reflection again. I was smiling and shaking my head. "No, no, no, you're lying. Oh, fuck, you're lying." I took out my lighter and ignited it. Then I put it out and ignited it again. I took out the pack of cigarettes from my pocket and played with the box.

"Joanna, don't—"

"Stop messing with my heart, Jacky, stop messing with me." I let out a sigh and dropped the lighter. "Stop messing with my feelings. Love, leave, love, leave, love, leave. Stop it all."

"You've got to calm down, Joanna. We can—"

"Fuck you." Suddenly I felt guilty. I was scolding a guy who was going to die. _What the heck am I doing?_ "Fuck—" I stopped. I rushed to the door and ran out.

_Oh, gosh, oh gosh. Gosh. What a fucking complicated life._

* * *

I had lit my fifth cigarette when I decided to think rationally. I was sitting on one of the many benches at the park, glaring at every passer-by. I had a dizzy spell by my third stick, but somehow I just wanted to smoke more.

_Cancer? Death?_ I had never expected such issues to rub shoulders with me since my parents' death. It had always been the least of my worries. For the past few years, I had only worried about the words that I said. The curse I had been carrying.

And, somewhere out there, someone close to me had been battling an enemy called cancer and fleeing from an adversary named death? Somewhere out there, a person had been smiling for twenty-four hours a day even though he was next to the gates of hell?

I blew the smoke out of my lungs through my nose, somewhat like a dragon. _What can I do? What can I do to make him feel better?_ I was at my wits' end, trapped in a nest of confusion. Thinking rationally had not helped, when the situation was beyond a seventeen-year-old's acceptance.

My tears had not stopped streaming since I dashed out of the ward. I had two missed calls from Jacky. I did not call back. I merely SMSed him, "Give me time." I knew I would go crazy again if I heard his voice.

_What must I do now?_

I flicked the cigarette butt away and knew there was no way I could find the answer there. I headed home. I might not have Landy anymore, but I had a new chat mate.

* * *

Fortunately, Grandma was at home.

It was 6.30 p.m. She was sitting on the sofa, just like what Landy used to do. Unlike Landy who was always eating something, Grandma was massaging her legs while watching the news. I sat next to her.

_This is Grandma?_ Suddenly, I was hit by a tinge of guilt. We seldom talked, for I had Landy as a companion. But who did Grandma have to confide in? Who did she approach when she was depressed? I had always been beside her, yet I lived in my own little world, ignoring the very same old lady who lived with me. I might have my complicated story to tell, but she might have even more.

I gently pushed her hand away and rubbed her leg. She smiled and passed me the ointment. "Wah, Gwan, so good today?" she said.

I shrugged. What kind of life had I been living for the past few years? A life of escape? A life of rebellion? Against this whole world? Or, _against myself?_

I said nothing as I continued to massage. When a drop of water splashed on Grandma's leg, I realized I was crying again. I dared not look up.

"Tell me what happened," Grandma said.

I recalled the days I spent with Landy. I would sit there, chatting with Landy while Grandma would greet us and retreat to her room. Jacky changed everything. He chased away my imaginary friend and brought me closer to Grandma. Jacky had placed reality in front of imagination.

I told Grandma everything about Jacky. I told her how he smiled in every situation and how he always kept his temper in check. I told her about the first day that he held my hand, and how he helped me. I told her everything, from my curse to Landy. I told her how much I loved Jacky. And, finally, I told her that he was dying.

"I love him," I repeated the sentence, as if it would help. "I love him a lot."

Grandma did not interrupt. She just nodded and, occasionally, patted me on my shoulder. Her eyes held contact with mine as I mouthed every word. At times, she would smile when I mentioned something funny that Jacky did. Sometimes, a frown would appear on her face when I raked up sad memories.

"Gwan, do you realize something? Your life is so complicated, with an imaginary friend and a curse that kills your parents. But all you care now is Jacky. So, what do you intend to do?"

I was at a loss for words. Here I was, trying to get an answer to that question. Yet, there she was, posing me that question. I shook my head. "What can I do?" I whispered.

"You want me to tell you a story?"

I did nothing. I continued staring at the floor, counting the tears that had escaped from my eyes.

"I've never told anyone about the story of your grandfather and me." She grabbed my shoulders and held me straight up. I was amazed by her strength. "Be strong and listen to my story. Because this story is all about life and courage. That's what you're here for, isn't it?"

# 15

**"Y** our grandfather and I met when I was working at a restaurant as a dishwasher. He was a cook in the restaurant. When we saw each other, we knew it was love at first sight.

"He kept staring at me while he was cooking and I could not concentrate on my washing. I stole quick glances at him, amazed by his awesome cooking skills and his good looks. By the fifth day of my work, he asked me out. I did not reject. And so, we went to a park and chatted about almost everything under the sun."

I tried to recollect memories of Grandpa. It was then that I realized I had never seen him before: He had died before I was born. However, in my mind, I could paint a picture of him: a young and handsome man who knew how to turn raw eggs into an omelette.

"We went on a few more dates. Unknowingly, we started holding hands. And as we continued dating, our love for each other grew so much that a day apart was intolerable.

"Whenever I woke up, I would wonder what he was doing. Whenever I walked to work, I would wonder if he was doing the same thing. If there had been handphones during my time, I would have called him every single minute.

"Then one day, he brought me to a forest. During our days, Singapore had many forests. Although I declined, he insisted. So we went into the dark forest, carrying only candles. Suddenly, he disappeared. I panicked and nearly fainted, but he suddenly appeared with a ring in his hand. He knelt before me and proposed to me."

I wiped off the remnants of my tears and tried to smile. Although I failed, Grandma sensed my attempt and patted me on my shoulder.

"How could I have rejected? How could I have rejected such an offer? I cried on the spot and, ten days later, we were officially husband and wife."

I realized that everyone had a story to tell: The middle-aged woman selling fish soup might have the most romantic love story; my old and stubborn literature tutor Mrs Goh might have the most tragic story to tell. Yet, I always pondered on the poignancy of my own story, as if my story superseded all other stories.

"Our relationship was as strong as a rock during our first few years of marriage. But everything soon changed. We began to drift apart. We seldom talked. There was just no reason for this."

"You didn't love him anymore?" I asked, curious.

Grandma did not answer me. She sighed and then continued, "I thought of a divorce. But during that time, divorce was a taboo. We continued living together, exchanging less than a few words a day. And, as a tradition, we had to bear a child for our parents.

"And so, your mother was born. Even with the addition of a new member in the family, we still behaved like strangers. Your mother, angry with us for not providing her a good life, married when she was just seventeen. And when I was fifty, I decided to move out. I lived here alone for five years, until your grandfather called me. He said he didn't have much time left."

I cursed beneath my breath. Jacky's words rang in my mind repeatedly: _"Two more years, if I don't have the operation within these few months."_

"So, I went to the hospital. Your grandfather asked me a question that made me think a lot: 'Have you loved me throughout our marriage?' I was lost for words. I spent the entire day thinking. And, when I finally said yes, we hugged.

"Since then, I visited him in the hospital for his remaining days. He said something the day before he died, which touched me very deeply: 'I've been the happiest man in the world for two times: The first time was when you agreed to marry me, and the second time was when you said you had always loved me throughout our marriage. Because I have loved you all this while as well, but I just didn't dare to say it.'"

Grandma smiled when she finished her story. I knew that the memories of her dead husband were replaying in her mind. I was thinking hard. There was a subtext in her story and, with a twist of my neck, I finally comprehended it.

"Your grandfather was smiling when he died. It doesn't matter how long we live, as long as we live with a smile on our face."

Yes, I got it, the moral of the story. At that moment, I wanted to kiss Grandma, but I dared not. However, after I had slotted my keys into my pocket, I leaned forward and kissed her. "I love you," I said and made my way out, cherishing every single minute.

_Wait for me, you bastard._

* * *

I had just told the taxi driver my destination when my handphone rang.

"Joanna?" It was Jacky's mother. "I don't know who else to call. You are the only one who knows everything now. Jacky's in trouble."

My grip on the handphone tightened and I asked, "What's wrong?"

"The cancer cells are starting to spread faster. He needs an operation soon. Just...come."

When she hung up, I told the taxi driver to stop. And, for the next few minutes, I stared out of the window, saying nothing. The taxi driver just let the meter run.

* * *

"Look at this." The doctor pointed at a brain radiograph. A dark spot was visible on the left. "This is the tumour. As you know, his case is diffuse astrocytomas, grade II. The cancer cells will spread, but at a very slow rate. For the past few months, we've been trying to stop the cells from spreading too much with radiation. But it's hard now."

I tried to process what the doctor had said. He was explaining in layman's terms. Jacky's mother sat beside me, her eyes wide open.

"As you would have known, we did not operate on him to remove the tumour as the tumour is very close to his brainstem, a very important structure of the brain. However, his cancerous cells have now spread _into_ the brainstem, growing near the cerebellum. The cerebellum is responsible for the movement of his muscles."

"Operation is the only way now?" Jacky's mother said.

The doctor nodded.

"What is the success rate?"

The doctor shrugged. _Bad news._ "Fifteen percent. It is very risky, as the cancer cells are inside the brainstem."

"What if he doesn't take the operation?"

"In the worst-case scenario, he will first be paralysed. Then, he will begin losing his brain functions and become brain-dead after a while. At any point, he might just stop breathing." We were left speechless with that. He continued, as if he had no emotions, "The surgery must be done by next week. If not, the cancer cells might spread faster."

"Who makes the decision?"

"He's under eighteen, so you can make the final decision," the doctor said. Jacky's mother's expression was a fusion of confusion and depression.

"Great," she said and walked off without saying bye.

_Jacky is dying within a few months._ That thought whirled in my mind like a bad dream. _Oh, please let me wake up from this nightmare._

* * *

I had just finished peeling an apple when Jacky woke up. Actually, I had intended to eat the apple; but since Jacky woke up _exactly_ when I had finished peeling it, I passed him the apple. He held out his weak hand to take the apple.

"An apple a day keeps the doctor away, eh?" he said, taking a bite. "Get me more apples. Then I'll be discharged soon."

He already knew the situation. His mother had agreed to the surgery, and he was to undergo it next Thursday. He knew the success rate was only fifteen percent, and he also knew the consequences if he did not go for the surgery. Yet, his trademarked smile still lingered on his lips.

I wanted to say something; but, when I opened my mouth, nothing came out. _Talk to me, Jacky._

"I may have a bandage here on my head, so I may not be able to do the play. You make sure Johnny does a great job, eh?" he said. Johnny, one of our classmates, was to take over him as Romeo. "And yeah, I took up the role because I only needed to memorize two words and got to lie on a pretty girl's back. But now, it's different. It's impromptu. There's a chance that things might change. That's why I'm backing out." He laughed. It sounded strange.

"Rest," I whispered.

"I'm lying on the bed with a blanket over me. I'm resting. And I'm eating an apple!" With that, he dropped the apple. It rolled off the bed and landed on the floor. I went towards it, but he stopped me.

"No. I'll do it," he said and slowly climbed out of the bed and hauled himself towards the apple. With great effort, he lifted the apple up as if it weighed ten kilogrammes. I could not tell whether he was just pretending or he was really struggling to control his muscles. "See? I can do it. I can pick up an apple from the floor. Why can't I get a rock out of my head? The rock is so much smaller than this apple!"

I stayed with him for a few more hours before I left. As I was on my way out, I saw Dr Ong. I tried avoiding him by looking at the floor, covering my face with my hair. But my uniform gave me away.

"Hey, Joanna, I'd really love it if you could come visit me some day," he said. _Go to your clinic and curse more people?_ I wondered.

"What are you doing here?" I said.

"I'm here to visit your _best_ friend." He stressed the word "best". I wanted to ask him about Landy, but before I could say anything, he was off into Jacky's ward.

_How does he know about Jacky's condition?_

# 16

**I** came to a conclusion the next day: I had the most complicated life in the world.

Firstly, I had a dangerous curse. Secondly, my long-time best friend was imaginary. Thirdly, the guy whom I loved so much was dying.

Everything in my world seemed to collapse all of a sudden. I skipped school one day and visited Jacky. My classmates kept on asking me to go for the last full dress rehearsal of the play, but I declined. _What good can a stupid play do now?_

Jacky, as usual, was snoring loudly in the morning. I refilled the water in the vacuum flask, topped up the basket with fruits and took out a book to read. It had been a long while since I read a book. The book was _Destiny's Cries_ , a romantic love story set in Singapore written by a Singaporean novelist, Low Kay Hwa. Not too long ago, someone (I forgot who) introduced the book to me, but I had refused to read it. In the forlorn ward occupied only by Jacky and me, I began reading the first page.

I spent my morning listening to Jacky's snores and reading the book. Amazingly, I finished the book within a few hours and was crying at the ending.

The story is about a guy, Alan, who finds a girl, Destiny, on a rooftop. When they fall in love, trials and tribulations occur and Alan is faced with a challenge that will test his love forever.

I began to peel an apple, hungry after all the reading. When I was done, Jacky moved and opened his eyes. When he saw the apple in my hand, he reached for it.

"Great, an apple a day keeps the doctor away," he said. "You're good. Whenever an apple is peeled, its colour will change within a few minutes. Yours, the colour of your apple is always so fresh."

I shook my head weakly, saying nothing. My phone rang again, but I rejected the call. "Our classmates asking me to go for the final rehearsal," I explained. Everyone knew of his condition by then. Most of them visited him during evenings, as they had commitments in the afternoon.

"Go. Go and get a trophy for me."

"I don't wanna—"

"I wanna see the trophy when I wake up," he said. "Come back again when you're done with the rehearsal. Go."

I stood up reluctantly.

"Make sure you get the trophy. Make sure you get it."

* * *

Our tutors decided to add a special programme on the day of the play. They wanted every one of us to dedicate a message to Jacky on stage, regardless of whether the surgery was successful or not. Many of my classmates instantly composed a message. I sat at a corner and thought of what to say on the actual day. Then I borrowed a pen from Michael and, slowly, I penned my message.

The play was on a Monday, four days after Jacky's surgery. I wondered whether I would be smiling or crying on that day.

After we were done with writing our messages, I went off to the hospital again. Jacky had one more week left, and I was going to make full use of that one week.

* * *

Jacky was reading a magazine when I entered his room.

He smiled upon my entrance. But his smile seemed to be too wide; too forced. Something was wrong. I sat beside him and did not know what to say. He had always been the one starting the conversation. Not me.

"I'm going for the operation on 25 September 2003 at 2.00 p.m.," he said.

"I know."

"Curse me."

I nearly fell off my chair. Butterflies fluttered in my empty stomach and I stuck out my tongue without my control. _What did he just say? Curse him?_

"Curse me. Say I'll never wake up from my operation. Say I'll be in coma forever after my operation," he said indifferently.

I balled my hands into fists. _How can he play this kind of game!_ I could hear the loud and fast pounding of my heart. "It's not a joke. It's not a funny matter. Don't mess with my curse."

"You don't have a curse and I'm going to prove that to you. I'm going to wake up on Thursday night, a proof that your so-called curse is a mental illness called obsessive compulsive disorder. Landy is one good example that you're suffering from a mental illness."

"You'll—" I stopped. I was going to say the word "die", but I managed to hold back in time. "Don't," I whispered. I had learnt that the only way to prevent me from cursing anyone in a heated quarrel accidentally was by walking away.

I ran out of the room.

* * *

Jacky's mother called me a few hours later. Her voice was hoarse and choky. I was in the cafeteria, gazing at every single person who bought anything from the fruits stall.

"Jacky decided not to have the operation," she said, her tone dire. Every time she called me, it had always been bad news. How I hoped I had not picked up any of her calls. "He said the reason is because of you or whatever. What happened?"

I wanted so much to explain over the phone, but it would take too long. "Leave it to me. I'll go talk to him now."

Even in my uniform, I dragged on two cigarettes outside the hospital before mustering all my courage and going to the room again.

* * *

As I predicted, Jacky's mother was inside the room, talking to Jacky. Jacky was munching an unpeeled apple uneasily. "Ah, here comes the expert in apple-peeling."

Jacky's mother was clenching her teeth. She glared at me for a while, sighed loudly and went out. I was alone with Jacky again. He was still biting his apple. "My mother doesn't really know how to peel an apple. Once, she peeled it and what was left was the stem. So I have it unpeeled."

I was lost for words. Sometimes, I wondered if everything had been a plot. How could he still be so jovial when he knew he would be dying soon?

"Go for the surgery," I advised.

"Curse me then."

"Go for the—"

"Curse me. You can do it. Curse me, and I'll go for it."

What could I say? It was like he asking me to kill him. _But if I don't curse him, and he doesn't go for the surgery, the chance of his survival is zero_. However, if I cursed him...

"I'm going to wake up. Trust me. I'm going to prove to you that your curses are nothing but a simple mental illness. I'm going to prove you that. Come on, curse me. If not, I've only got a few more months to live."

_You'll die with my curse! My curses are curses, not a simple mental illness!_

I was put in the most difficult position in my life. Both decisions, to curse or not to curse, would kill Jacky. I felt like running around the room, screaming at the top of my voice.

"You don't fuck around with my curse," I said softly and took out my pack of Marlboro, but it was empty. Throwing it to a side, I whipped out my lighter and tossed it away as well. I needed a puff of nicotine desperately. "Would you really wake up?" I asked. _What a stupid question._ I must have lost control of myself. My lips were shaking and I felt like jumping onto Jacky and slapping his face a million times.

"Yes."

I closed my eyes and inhaled deeply. I did not let out my breath, staying in that position for a long period. When I finally exhaled, I began to say something.

"Then, you bastard, you fucking bastard, you're not going to wake up once you have undergone the surgery. You're going to get into a deep coma, and then you will die."

I said that.

I had just _cursed_ Jacky to death.

_Oh, fuck you, Joanna Fung Wai Gwan._

# 17

**I** washed away my tears at the sink. I did not dare look in the mirror, for in the reflection stood a murderer.

_Jacky is dying._

I suddenly wanted to talk to someone, but whom could I talk to? I had only Grandma to talk to, but I did not feel that it was appropriate to talk to her about this. She, too, believed that it was a mental illness.

In the end, with my eyes still swollen from the crying, I went back to the room. Jacky smiled when he saw me, waving the book _Destiny's Cries_. "Nice book, isn't it?"

I said nothing. I sat beside him, confused over what I had done. _My curses always come true, right? Always..._

"Look at you. You've cried so much that your eyes are like tomatoes. Come, let me tell you a joke. Remember that day?"

_Which day is he referring to?_ He spoke as if I could remember every day.

"You know, that day, when I went on stage and said a joke, and you didn't laugh?"

_Oh. That silly day._

"You weren't listening to me that day, right? Okay, I'm going to do an encore of it. You remain seated." He pushed his blanket away. I was blinking fast, feeling an unusual pain in my eyes. Before I knew it, he was standing on his bed. His legs were trembling.

"What the—" I pushed my chair away. "Come down! What are you doing? It's dangerous!"

"Miss Joanna Fung, sit down, if not, I'll stand here till you sit down. Now, I'm going to repeat my performance on 27 March 2001!"

I sank into my seat. _He still remembers the exact date? Gosh. He's...amazing._

"There was once a matchstick that scratched its head. Then it died."

I could not believe he was doing all this. The joke was funny—in fact, very funny—but I was in no mood to laugh. Before I could say anything, he pointed at me and said, "Someone didn't laugh. That girl didn't laugh." Then he jumped a step, lowered his eyebrows and raised his voice's pitch. "Which girl?" Again, he jumped a step and said in his normal voice, "That girl with glasses and long hair." In a high-pitched voice: "You mean the girl with tied hair?" His voice: "Yeah, that's the one. She never laughs!" High-pitched voice: "Joanna! You didn't laugh?"

Finally, he jumped one more step and clapped. He seemed to be more energetic, but he was panting softly. He stared intently at me, and this time he said very softly, "Joanna, can you please wake up from your dreams and laugh at my joke? I beg you."

I lay back on my seat and started shaking with an uncontrollable laugh. He was replaying that day so brilliantly, as if we had taken a trip back in time. Suddenly, I could smell the scent on that very day: the laughter of my classmates, my anger when he pointed at me and the embarrassment when I "laughed" sarcastically. It all came back like a beautifully preserved memory.

Jacky seemed exhausted. He beamed weakly and, slowly, lay back on the bed. Beads of sweat were escaping from his forehead.

"You laughed," he said, almost breathlessly. "You laughed. That's nice. It's been so long since I heard you laughing. Can you do me a favour?"

Actually, I knew exactly what he was going to say next. Still, I asked, "What?"

"Laugh more often."

"I want you to hear my laugh," I said. I was shaking my head, biting my teeth. _That bastard. If he survives, I'm willing to do even a hundred favours for him._ "So, just...survive."

"Okay, I promise. You promise as well, okay?" He whipped out his last finger. "Promise me you'll laugh so often that people will think you're crazy?"

We entwined our little fingers. "I promise."

_You silly boy, just survive._

_* * *_

On Saturday, I went to the hospital early in the morning. As I had expected, Jacky was sleeping. So I peeled an apple for my breakfast and before I could take a bite, I heard his voice.

"Ah, an apple for breakfast. How nice." He held out his hand, as if waiting for me to pass him the apple.

I gave it to him. Soon after that, we started chatting. I tried not to talk about the surgery, but somehow, in the midst of the chat, I still blurted it out.

"It's an easy operation," he told me, his face beaming with confidence. "They'll just drill a hole in my head, pull out the rock and sew my head back."

I said nothing and so he reached for the drawer. I helped him open it and saw a familiar watch inside. "Can you take out the watch?" His hand was shaking. _Gosh oh gosh._ I suddenly remembered what the doctor once said.

_"He's slowly losing his ability to coordinate his movements due to the cancer cells in his cerebellum. Just don't let him do strenuous movements."_

I held the watch. It was the watch that he had given me for my birthday: the watch that I had thrown away in anger. Yet, it still looked so new, as if it had just been cleaned.

"I really needed to pee that day. That's why I ran off in such a hurry. I wasn't embarrassed!"

"Okay, I believe you."

"And, er...remember the twenty dollars that I owe you?"

"Twenty dollars?"

"Yeah. That day when I needed a taxi to go home. Look, my wallet is—"

"Can you return it to me after your surgery?" I interrupted. "Please."

He shrugged, laughing. "Okay. Gosh, I'll wake up with many debts."

"Just one."

"I also promised my mother that I'll return her with a lifetime of love after I've woken up."

"Oh."

_Can you also return me with a lifetime of love after you've woken up?_

_* * *_

Someone once told me the longest wait is not created by the amount of time passed, but by your mind.

I was sitting beside Jacky, peeling another apple. He could not eat, for he would be undergoing the surgery in an hour's time. I took a bite out of my apple and understood why he was so keen on eating these apples: The taste was a balanced combination of sweet and sour. So it was not because of the fact that I was the one who peeled it. Shit.

_Shit?_

Jacky was an obvious victim of cancer: His eyelids drooped as if he had not slept for days. He must have lost at least three kilogrammes within a week.

"One more hour," he whispered. Or, maybe, he was shouting. That was his loudest voice.

"One more hour," I replied.

And so, we spent the next thirty minutes chatting about anything and everything. He told me about his mother, and I thanked him for bringing Grandma back into my life.

"I didn't do much. She was always beside you. You just didn't notice her till now."

As usual, he was that modest. Suddenly, he asked, "Can I hold your hand?"

I blushed and did not reply. However, my right hand automatically reached for him.

"Wait for me, okay?"

I nodded.

"I'll be back. So, don't you run off! I'm still the sun, shining on you, the flower. I'll be back once the cloud moves away. Wait, just wait, okay?"

I turned my head to prevent him from seeing my teary eyes. A nurse came in, and for that moment I wanted to spew expletives at the nurse. But I stopped myself and turned to Jacky.

"Hello, you silly bastard, you better come back. Even if you're in hell or heaven, or any other place, you better come back here. Because I'll..." I could not continue. I paused, gave myself a breather, and whispered sincerely, "I'll be here, waiting for you."

He let go of my hand and used a finger to poke my hand. It was his last finger, urging me to shake it. I held out my last finger as well and, once again, our little fingers entwined.

"I promise."

"I promise, too."

After he was wheeled off, I experienced the longest wait in my life.

# 18

**I** tried to kill time by counting my breaths, but it was the dumbest thing to do. I gave up after my hundredth breath.

I was waiting backstage, looking at plays staged by other classes. One of the classes did so well that the audience gave a standing ovation at the end of their performance. I wondered if ours would also cause such a stir.

The wait was finally over. The emcee announced my class name, and the front curtain was lowered. AVA crew rushed onto the stage out of nowhere to position the microphones and other props to our desired positions. I was expecting the break to last for more than two minutes; but before I knew it, two AVA members raised the front curtain and a round of applause rang across the hall.

Johnny said something on stage, and when I heard a loud thump, I took a deep breath and stepped onto the stage. A few people in the audience oohed and aahed. I continued strolling forward until I was just in front of Johnny. His eyes were closed.

Slowly, I knelt beside him and held his head.

_"I want Joanna to be Juliet. J for Joanna."_

_* * *_

Everyone sat outside the operating room, just like the scenes from those melodramatic Channel 8 drama serials.

Jacky's mother, with her arms folded, sat closest to the door. My classmates were all close to a vending machine. I was sitting farthest from the door. I had told them to leave me alone, for I knew that words could no longer calm my burning soul.

Memories of Jacky lingered in my mind. I imagined what would happen five hours later: Would I be dancing with happiness, or would I be crying in depression?

Half an hour passed, but it felt like half a century. The lobby was so quiet and scary that nurses dared not walk past us unless there was a real need to. I took out my pack of Marlboro—to the surprise of my classmates—and began to unwrap it. I did not smoke there, of course.

Another fifteen minutes passed. I clasped my hands, my mind defeated by fear. For the last seventeen years, I had not believed in the man above us. My gaze ascended to the door. With my body stiff, I closed my eyes and prayed.

_God, if you're up there, do me a favour. Just this favour, please._

* * *

The song played loudly in the background. Someone on the stage was singing along, but her voice sucked, compared to Trademark's melodic voices. I stared at Johnny's closed eyes.

"Wake up," I whispered, my voice amplified by the microphone clipped on my collar. "Wake up, wake up, please. I beg you, just wake up. You've made so many promises. So many. You remember? The day we held hands. The day our fingers entwined. Don't die on me, Romeo. Don't leave me alone here! Please!"

Johnny had no response. I snapped my fingers, and the song played again. Beside me was a glass of green tea that I had drunk for more than fifty times during rehearsals.

_Jacky, where's my soya bean milk?_

"Please. Stay with me. I love you. That's what you've been trying to tell me, isn't it? I love you..."

* * *

After an hour passed, I read the SMSes Jacky had sent me again.

_I'm sorrie if I say anything wrong...you will still come for the appointment, won't you? Let me fetch you on that day, okie? Only you can help yourself. come on, reply a yes... Vent your thoughts to others please...it's the only way out. Ease your illusions! let me help... You've gotta go for it! Only you...yourself can help yourself... Understanding yourself is most important..._

He said that there was a hidden message in it. _What message?_ I read it again, and again, and again. It did not make sense until I wrote it down on a piece of paper once more.

_Gosh._ I dropped the phone and the pen. I dropped my head, and I nearly dropped on the floor. It was then that I realized what he had been trying to say. It all made so much sense. _So much sense! You idiot...you better wake up!_

I jumped up and dashed towards the door of the operating room, my heart pounding wildly. A few of my classmates caught me by my arms and shoulders. I continued to struggle towards the door, but they held me back.

"What're you doing?" they demanded.

I tried to wrench myself free, but their combined strength was too great for me. Eventually, I gave up to the wrath of reality and went to my knees. Jacky's mother was still holding on to a calm expression.

I looked at my watch: the watch that Jacky had given me. _An hour more before the surgery ends._ I looked around the lobby, and surprised faces were all staring at me. I kept my feelings in check and went back to my seat, clasping my hands again, praying for him again.

_Jacky, you'd better wake up. I've decoded your message. Silly you!_

_* * *_

"Come on, wake up. Everyone wants a happy ending. Wake up, wake up..." My face was peppered with real tears. I could hear a few soft sobs in the audience, followed by a few "wows". My performance must have been very impressive.

I grabbed the cup of green tea. "Poison..." I said, staring at it as if it would change colour. "Poison. What for I live if you're not around? I live because of you. Now that you're gone..." I suddenly remembered that I should add in some Singlish discourse particles to inject humour into the play. Comedians, I later realized, were the bravest people in the world. "No use _liao_. I'll die then!"

No one laughed. Instead, I heard more people crying.

I downed the green tea in one smooth feat. Soon after that, I was lying beside Johnny. A few seconds later, Johnny stirred, and I felt him holding my head gently. I did not concentrate on what he said, for my part was already over. When he screamed, he lay on my back and the song was played again.

"But only love can say

Try again or walk away

But I believe

For you and me

The sun will shine one day

So I'll just play my part

And pray you'll have a change of heart

But I can't make you see it through

_That's something only love can do..."_

_Is there something only love can do? When everything fails, should I turn to love?_

* * *

I did not pick up my handphone, nor did I pick up the sheet of paper on the floor. I was rooted to my seat and, when I looked at my hand, I realized I was trembling non-stop.

When my first tear splashed onto the paper, I clutched my hand. At my tenth tear, the door opened, and almost everyone stood up except me. I lifted my head slowly and stared at the scene in front of me. This was the moment I had been waiting for, yet I suddenly did not feel like knowing the truth. It was better to hold on to a hope than to know the truth.

The doctor came out first. There were dark rings around his eyes—a victim of lack of sleep. As he talked to Jacky's mother, he shook his head once. Then Jacky's mother cupped her face, and the doctor tapped her shoulder softly.

I dropped my head backwards and felt a sharp pain on my skull.

_Fuck. No...you bastard, you promised! You fucking promised me that you'll wake up! You promised!_

The doctor whispered something to her and then pointed to the room. I was trying to read his lips, but he was too fast. Jacky's mother then revealed her face—the fierce woman was crying. She stared at the doctor, then shook her head softly, mumbling something. A few minutes later, the doctor pointed to a nurse and walked off.

The nurse said something to Jacky's mother. My classmates all crowded around, their expressions a fusion of fear. I ruffled my hair and closed my eyes. I had never felt my heart beating so fast before.

" _Jacky_ ," I whispered, so soft and beautiful that I wondered if anything came out from my mouth.

* * *

"Jacky is not only a classmate, not only a friend. He's a role model, a leader's leader, a mediator and the best person I've ever seen in my life," Michael was saying. He put the sheet of paper he had been reading into his breast pocket and continued, "I only remember myself crying twice. Once was when I watched _Titanic_. And, the second time..."

The audience was so quiet that no one dared to cough. Michael finally squeezed a tear out from his left eye, and as he muttered softly into the microphone, he shut his eyes and did not open them for minutes.

"This is the third time."

* * *

When I saw Michael stepping back, collapsing onto the nearest seat, I knew it was something really bad.

He cupped his face with his large hands and, when he jerked a few times, I knew the big man was crying. I confirmed it when tears seeped down his wrist. Michael was crying. Jacky's mother was crying. All my classmates started to cry as well. The weaklings, the machos. It did not matter, because no one gave a damn when that could mean a brave man leaving us.

I glanced at the sheet of paper. Not only had it been dampened, the entire floor beneath me was a pool of tears.

_Is this how death looks like?_

* * *

"But," Michael suddenly continued, running his eyes over the audience. Most of the girls in the audience were crying, including those in other classes who did not know Jacky. "But, but...Jacky once told me that boys should not cry. We're born with broader shoulders to let girls cry on our shoulders. He said only sissies cry. So!" He wiped off his tears. He failed. They kept on coming. "Let's follow Jacky's advice. This is for you, Jacky. My most respected man, the man who smiles even during the losing fight with destiny. The fearless man who shows me that the greatest fight occurs in the mind, not in a battlefield." He smiled and walked away from the microphone.

There should have been two emcees, a boy and a girl. But the girl was nowhere to be seen. The boy went to the stage and announced, "Let's welcome Jacky's best friend, Joanna, to dedicate a message to the brave Jacky."

A round of weak applause greeted me. I stepped forward to the microphone and adjusted the stand to my height. Then I pulled out a sheet of paper from my pocket and stared at it. It was a page long, and I had spent two hours penning it.

I started to read it. "Jacky Wu Zhong Xian is a very..." I paused. Then I crushed the paper into a ball and dropped it. Looking at the audience with my earnest eyes, I said, "There was once a matchstick that scratched its head. Then it died."

There was no response from the audience.

"Someone didn't laugh. That boy didn't laugh," I said, pointing to a beautiful empty space in the hall. "That boy with glasses and short hair. Yeah, that's the one. He never laughs!"

I closed my eyes. It was too painful. I imagined myself in the audience, showing him an angry look. _That idiot. Hello to Jacky!_ "Jacky," I started, my eyes still closed, "can you please...wake up from your dreams and laugh at my joke? I beg you. I beg you. I beg you..."

I did not remember how long I begged him.

* * *

I was still dazed by the shock when I heard a voice.

"You must be Joanna." I looked up. It was the doctor. Upon closer examination, I realized he could be less than forty years old. I nodded, waiting anxiously for what he was about to say.

"Before Mr Wu went into the operating room, he said this to me: 'Doctor, I've got a stupid rock in my head. Get it out, because I wanna marry a girl called Joanna Fung. She's one of the craziest girls around. No one wants her so I'm sacrificing myself. Okay? I'll invite you to our wedding. So you'll better get this rock out in order to attend our wedding.'"

He paused and then continued, "He's the bravest man I've ever come across. I'm sorry things turned out this way."

I took in a long breath. My hands were glued to the sides of the chair.

"Well, Joanna, I don't know whether you're the most fortunate or the most unfortunate girl in the world."

I forgot when I stopped crying.

# 19

**T** he doorbell rang when I was rubbing Grandma's thigh. I did not feel like going to the door, thinking that it could be some salesman trying to promote a new kind of 'super' vacuum cleaner. But Grandma pointed to the door and nodded.

The moment I opened the door, my eyeballs nearly dropped out and I bit my teeth hard. It was Jacky's mother. She was expressionless, staring at me as if I had just done something wrong.

I knew there were only two reasons on why she had come: Either it was good news or bad news about Jacky. I took deep breaths to calm myself when I saw her red eyes.

"Joanna," she started and I began to wonder how she got my address. But I knocked that thought off my mind and concentrated on her. "This is from Jacky." She passed me a white envelope. "He said if anything happened to him, I must give you this letter."

I felt the letter with my fingers. There was only a single sheet of paper in the envelope.

"He's still showing no response. The doctor has told me to prepare for the worst—he might leave us next week."

I stared at the envelope for I dared not look at Jacky's mother. I closed my eyes and waited for her to say something. But she kept quiet. I nodded, bade goodbye to her and slammed the door shut, the sentence still haunting me.

_"The doctor has told me to prepare for the worst—he might leave us next week."_

Was this the guy who had told me a joke about a matchstick that had scratched its head, then died? Was this the guy who had told me that he would always be my sunlight?

_Is this the guy whom I love deeply? The seventeen-year-old boy with no career and money who wants to marry me?_

Grandma made her way slowly to her room. She was singing some old Mandarin song that I did not understand. I jumped onto the sofa and tore open the envelope with trembling hands.

_Is this guy Jacky?_

The thought fuelled my tears, and I knew they would keep on falling unless I drifted into oblivion.

* * *

_Dear Joanna,_

_As I am writing this letter, a freezing remorse is flowing inside my body. The room is serene, and only in this tranquillity that I can fill my thoughts on this sheet of paper. I regret so many things, yet I can do nothing now. I should have, yet I did not. Joanna, what I wanted to tell you is that I love you._

_Since the day I first talked to you, I told myself that I must not fall in love with you. As we got closer, I continued to tell myself: I don't love you. I held your hand, I cried when you cried, I smiled when you smiled; but still, I told myself: No, I don't love you._

_I must not love you, for I may leave this world anytime. But, just now, someone told me something meaningful. I was taking a rest at the park when I saw an old man in his seventies. We chatted, and he said this to me, "In love, either you love, or you don't."_

_It was then I remembered the day when I walked you home. A frail old woman, also in her seventies, chatted with me. Somehow, our conversation also ended with this sentence, "In love, either you love, or you don't."_

_In love, either I love you, or I don't. Joanna, I have been thinking. I have been trying not to love you, but the fact remains: I love you. I can try to forget you, I can try not to love you; but still, it eventually boils down to this single sentence: I love you. Who am I to fight love?_

_My message. My SMSes. I know you have not deleted them. Go decode it._

_If you're reading this letter, I must be in a coma. But I just want to tell you, Joanna, I just want to tell you how much I love you._

_Just wait for me if I'm in a coma. I'll be back. Peel an apple for me; I'll be still having it. This letter will be my motivation to wake up._

_Wait for me. Wait for the clouds to clear. Wait for the sunlight. Wait. For. Me._

_Jacky_

_* * *_

Someone once said that time would dry the tears. It had been a month, yet my tears kept on dropping whenever I saw him.

Jacky had been in a coma for the past thirty days. I tried talking to him every day, singing to him every week; but still, he did not move.

_Where're the promises you made to me?_

If I had had one of God's abilities, I would have chosen to change my past and, slowly, tenderly, treasure every single hour, minute and second with him. Every single moment with him.

But it was too late. All too late.

I laid my head on the side of his bed. It had been an exhausting day for me. I had to hand in all my assignments and was going to have a tough economics test the following day. It had been a long while since I had a good night's sleep.

The moment I closed my eyes, I drifted into a deep sleep. In my sleep, I forgot everything and dived into a beautiful dream. I was in a crowded bus. A masculine voice captured my attention.

"Hey, hello!"

I glanced up, looking for someone. A guy had just boarded the bus, and he was smiling at me. I smiled back instantly, tucking my hair behind my ear. He squeezed past everybody in the bus and stood just beside me.

"Hello!"

He yelled although he was just beside me. I laughed, but still I said nothing, as if a force was sealing my mouth.

"Hello to Joanna!"

Somehow, I felt a sweet and beautiful familiarity in this scene. Even the voice sounded familiar. I took a very deep breath and regained control of myself. I looked around with my tired body and saw myself in the room.

"Hello. Where's my peeled apple?"

The images had just been a dream, but the voice was a fragment of reality.

# 20

**I** stroked his hand softly, feeling the warmth. _This is not another dream, is it? The images are so clear. I can feel beads of sweat on my forehead. There are so many colours. Jacky, my idiotic husband, has just opened his eyes._

I heard a voice when I was sleeping. I thought the voice was just a part of my dream, but it sounded so real, yet the images in the dream looked so hazy. As I rubbed my eyes, both the voice and images were real. _This is definitely not a dream._

"Talk to me," I said, my voice dry.

"Hey, hello to my girl, Joanna," his voice rang again, louder this time. His eyes were half-closed and he was smiling. "Where's my peeled apple?"

I could feel my mouth opening wide and my throat choky. I wanted to jump onto him, giving him the hug of his life. But if I had really done that, he might plunge back into a coma again.

"You idiot," I whispered, toying with his fingers. "You idiot, do you know that we've all given up hope? That we believe you'll be leaving us tomorrow? That I promise myself if you do not wake up today, I'll...I... Do you know, huh? Why don't you just go to hell?"

Jacky laughed weakly. "I choose my dates carefully."

"You sure do."

"Like, when I was in secondary one, I chose Candy Tzu as my date. When I was in secondary two, I chose Ru Hua. Well, when I was in secondary three—"

"Not funny," I cut in.

"In secondary three, I chose Joanna Fung, and I'll make her my date forever."

* * *

When I first saw Grandma's photo at her funeral, I squeezed Jacky's hand tight. I did not cry. I just stared, and stared, and stared.

Grandma had passed away peacefully two weeks before my A-level. Initially, when I saw her lying on the sofa, I thought she was just resting. I went forward, wanting to wake her up. It was then that I realized she was smiling, but her eyes were closed.

When I noticed that she was not breathing, I did not call the ambulance immediately. Instead, I paced up and down and, finally, I called Jacky. The cause of her death was still unknown. It seemed to be of old age.

"You're a strong girl," Jacky said to me.

There were less than ten people attending the funeral, and I felt sad for Grandma. Still, I did not cry. For I had spent her remaining months talking to her, telling her stories, watching television with her. Most importantly, I had told her that I loved her.

"Come on, sit down. I've got something to tell you," Jacky said, motioning to a chair and passing me a drink. "Remember the letter I wrote to you? I told my mother to pass it to you if I were in a coma."

I nodded.

"Well, I did say something about an old woman at your void deck, giving me some advice on love, right? That love is either yes, or no. There's no other excuse."

My heart skipped a beat. Grandma had told me that before, and Jacky had heard this from some old woman at my void deck.

"Your grandmother was the old woman."

I felt like crying. Firstly, Grandma became my chat mate. Then, she became my advisor. And suddenly, I discovered that she had also contributed to bringing me Jacky.

Ironically, Jacky had brought me Grandma and Grandma had brought me Jacky.

"Now, look here." Jacky pointed to my left. I turned and gasped. It was the old man at the hospital park who had given me the same advice about love.

"What the..."

The old man was staring at Grandma's coffin with teary eyes. After a while, he said something to himself and went off.

"Ours is not the saddest story in the world. There're so many stories. Ours is just one of the many."

**Other Books by Low Kay Hwa**

Destiny's Cries

You Are Here

Journey

A Photogenic Life

To Forget You

Lilith

The Perfect Story

For That Day

A Singapore Love Story

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