( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
FOLKS, I AM SO EXCITED BECAUSE I
GOT TO GO TO NEW ZEALAND A FEW
WEEKS AGO AND STARTING TONIGHT I
GET TO SHARE THAT TRIP WITH YOU
IN OUR SPECIAL WEEK-LONG SERIES,
>> Announcer: THE "LATE SHOW"
WITH STEPHEN COLBERT PRESENTS
"THE NEWEST ZEALANDER"!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: ALL I COULD THINK
OF IS I WISHED EVERYBODY COULD
COME WITH US.
SO WE DECIDED TO FILM IT.
NEW ZEALAND IS ONE OF THE
GREATEST PLACES ON EARTH.
THE PEOPLE ARE INCREDIBLE, THE
LANDSCAPES ARE ABSOLUTELY
BREATH-TAKING, IT'S HOME TO BOTH
LORDE AND THE "LORD OF THE
RINGS."
( LAUGHTER )
AND, FUN FACT: THERE ARE
NO PREDATORS IN THE WHOLE
COUNTRY, INCLUDING NO SNAKES.
WHICH MEANS, DOWN THERE, ADAM
AND EVE WERE TEMPTED BY A
SMEAGOL.
( LAUGHTER )
I'M ALSO A HUGE ADMIRER OF NEW
ZEALAND PRIME MINSTER AND, I'M
GOING TO SAY, PERSONAL FRIEND
JACINDA ARDERN.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THERE YOU GO.
THERE YOU GO.
>> Jon: THAT'S RIGHT, THAT'S
RIGHT.
>> Stephen: IN 2017, SHE TOOK
OFFICE AS ONE OF THE WORLD'S
YOUNGEST LEADERS AT THE AGE OF
37 AND,
SINCE THEN, SHE'S ENACTED A
GROUNDBREAKING FAMILY LEAVE
POLICY, BECAME THE FIRST HEAD OF
STATE TO BRING THEIR BABY TO THE
FLOOR OF THE U.N., AND AFTER THE
TRAGIC SHOOTING AT A MOSQUE IN
CHRISTCHURCH, SHE CALLED FOR
LEGISLATION TO BAN
SEMI-AUTOMATIC WEAPONS.
AND GOT IT PASSED WITHIN ONE
MONTH.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
NOW, PRIME MINISTER ARDERN, I'M
HAPPY TO SAY,
SHE'S COME ON THE SHOW A COUPLE
TIMES NOW, AND INVITED ME TO
VISIT NEW ZEALAND BOTH TIMES.
THE SECOND TIME, SHE SAID, SHE'D
PICK ME UP AT THE AIRPORT!
SO I GOT ON A PLANE TO SEE IF
SHE MEANT IT.
AFTER 16 AND A HALF HOURS, I
ARRIVED AT NEW ZEALAND'S
AUCKLAND AIRPORT, WHERE I WAITED
FOR PRIME MINISTER JACINDA
ARDERN TO FULFILL HER PART OF
THE BARGAIN.
HI!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THANK YOU.
( LAUGHTER )
>> WELCOME.
>> Stephen: THANK YOU.
SO EXCITED TO BE HERE.
>> OH, WE'RE PLEASED TO HAVE
YOU.
>> Stephen: I'M SO AMAZED, YOU
KNOW, THAT YOU CAME TO PICK ME
UP.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
>> NO, IT'S NOT PARTICULARLY
EXTRAORDINARY AT ALL.
I STILL DO THE AIRPORT RUN.
>> Stephen: I HOPE I'M NOT
CUTTING INTO EXECUTIVE TIME.
>> I'M A WOMAN, I MULTI-TASK, SO
DON'T WORRY.
>> Stephen: IF YOU NEED TO
TWEET AT ANY MOMENT, I'M HAPPY
TO HOLD THE WHEEL OR I CAN TWEET
FOR YOU.
>> THANK YOU.
>> Stephen: DO YOU HAVE YOUR
PHONE WITH YOU?
>> I DO, I DO.
>> Stephen: COULD I LOOK?
IS THIS IT?
IS THIS YOU?
>> YEAH, THAT'S MY PHONE.
YEAH.
>> Stephen: LET'S LOOK AT THE
BABY!
I'M NOT GOING TO DO ANYTHING.
I JUST PROMISED YOU.
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: COULD YOU UNLOCK
THAT?
IS IT FACIAL RECOGNITION?
>> IT IS NOT.
>> Stephen: IT'S NOT FACIAL
RECOGNITION?
IT'S NOT?
>> NO.
>> Stephen: ONE QUICK RULE, DO
NOT EVEN THINK ABOUT SINGING
ALONG WITH THE RADIO, IF A SONG
COMES ON THAT YOU LIKE, BECAUSE
THAT IS JAMES CORDEN'S THING,
AND THAT GUY IS MOBBED UP WITH
LAWYERS AND HE WILL COME AFTER
US WITH A SHARP STICK.
>> NO SING ALONG?
>> Stephen: NO SING ALONG.
♪ GALILEO ♪
♪ I'M JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY
LOVES EH ME ♪
♪ HE'S JUST A POOR BOY WITH A
POOR FAMILY ♪
♪ SPARE HIS LIFE FROM THIS
MONSTROSITY ♪
WHAT'S THE BIRTHDAY?
>> TWENTY-FIRST OF JUNE.
>> Stephen: THAT'S NOT BAD.
NO.
( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: OKAY, SO,
SERIOUSLY, WE'RE SITTING HERE,
DON'T TELL ME, JUST UNLOCK IT.
I JUST WANT TO SEE --
>> NO.
>> Stephen: I'M NOT GOING TO
CALL ANYBODY.
COME ON.
>> NO.
DEFINITELY NOT.
>> Stephen: YOU'RE NO FUN.
DO YOU KNOW THEM?
>> NO, NO, I DO NOT.
( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: HOW ARE YOU GUYS?
I RECOGNIZE YOU.
>> Stephen: HER OR ME?
JACINDA.
>> Stephen: OH, OKAY.
SEE YA.
( APPLAUSE )
IT'S NOT MY CODE.
I USED MY CODE, THAT DIDN'T
WORK.
>> HOW MANY MORE TRIES HAVE YOU
GOT LEFT THERE?
>> Stephen: OH, (  BLEEP  )!
THAT PHONE IS DISABLED.
( APPLAUSE )
WE PULLED UP TO HER SUBURBAN
AUCKLAND HOME AND AS SOON AS WE
SAT DOWN I GOT STRAIGHT TO MY
AGENDA.
MY FIRST QUESTION IS, CAN I BE A
CITIZEN?
>> STRAIGHT OFF THE BAT.
>> Stephen: I HAVE ONLY BEEN
HERE FOR ABOUT FOUR HOURS AND
I'M ALREADY HAVING SEPARATION
ANXIETY KNOWING I'M GOING TO
HAVE TO LEAVE HERE IN A WEEK.
>> THAT'S EXACTLY HOW WE LIKE TO
MAKE PEOPLE FEEL.
>> Stephen: WHAT'S THE
POPULATION OF NEW ZEALAND?
>> WE'RE GETTING CLOSE TO
5 MILLION.
>> Stephen: AND 4.6 MILLION
WERE EXTRAS IN "THE LORD OF THE
RINGS."
( LAUGHTER )
IS IT TRUE YOU AUDITIONED TO BE
IN "THE LORD OF THE RINGS"?
>> YES.
>> Stephen: AND YOU DIDN'T GET
CAST?
>> I DID NOT GET CAST, YEAH.
>> Stephen: DOES PETER JACKSON
KNOW THAT HE DIDN'T CAST THE
PRIME MINISTER OF NEW ZEALAND?
>> I DON'T KNOW IF I'VE EVER HAD
THAT CONVERSATION WITH HIM.
>> Stephen: DO YOU GUYS HAVE
TAX AUDITS HERE?
>> WE DO.
>> Stephen: COULD YOU SICK THE
TAX AUDITORS ON HIM?
>> THAT IS INDEPENDENT.
>> Stephen: IT IS IN THE
UNITED STATES, TOO.
OH, TOTALLY INDEPENDENT, I GET
IT.
>> ACTUALLY.
>> Stephen: ACTUALLY.
OH, I GET IT.
( LAUGHTER )
TOTALLY GET IT.
YOU'RE VERY POLITE.
>> YES, POLITE.
>> Stephen: WHO'S MORE POLITE,
YOU OR THE CANADIANS?
>> THERE ARE PROBABLY
SIMILARITIES.
>> Stephen: THAT WAS POLITE.
THE CANADIAN WILL GO WE'RE MORE
POLITE WHICH MEANS YOU'RE MORE
POLITE.
>> I CAN SAY THAT.
>> Stephen: I'M AMERICAN, WE
CAN SAY ANYTHING WE WANT.
( LAUGHTER )
IS NEW ZEALAND THE FIRST COUNTRY
TO GIVE ALL WOMEN THE VOTE BUT
THE FACT THERE ARE NO SNAKES
HERE THAT'S THE BEST THING?
>> WE LIKELY UNDERPLAY THE
SNAKES, BUT GIVING WOMEN THE
VOTE.
>> Stephen: SO REALLY NO
SNAKES?
>> WE HAVE FOOD HERE AS WELL.
>> Stephen: THERE ARE REALLY
NO SNAKES?
>> NO SNAKES.
>> Stephen: I'M SORRY, DID YOU
WANT PEANUT BRITTLE?
>> I'M FINE, BUT THANK YOU.
>> Stephen: LET ME KNOW IF YOU
CHANGE YOUR MIND.
>> THANK YOU.
>> Stephen: YOU RECENTLY GOT
ENGAGED TO YOUR PARTNER CLARK.
( DING )
WHEN IS THE WEDDING.
>> WE HAVEN'T PLANNED ANYTHING.
>> Stephen: DO YOU NEED A AN
OFFICIENT BECAUSE I'VE MARRIED
PEOPLE BEFORE.
>> THAT WOULD BE COOL.
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF IT?
>> (INAUDIBLE).
>> Stephen: LET'S TALK -- HE
HATES THE IDEA.
>> HONEST TO A FAULT.
>> Stephen: YOU'RE RUNNING FOR
REELECTION IN 2020.
>> I AM.
>> Stephen: DO YOU HAVE AN
ELECTORAL COLLEGE?
>> NO.
>> Stephen: WOULD YOU LIKE
OURS?
>> I LIKE OURS.
>> Stephen: WHEN IS THE NEXT
ELECTION?
>> I HAVEN'T SET IT YET.
>> Stephen: YOU GET TO SET THE
ELECTION?
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: HOW IS THAT RIGHT?
IT'S A LITTLE UNFAIR.
>> Stephen: CALL IT NOW.
HOW COOL WOULD IT BE IF YOU
CALLED THE ELECTION RIGHT NOW ON
TV.
>> ARE YOU DOING, LIKE, A TRUTH
OR DARE?
>> Stephen: DO IT.
JUST DARING ME TO CALL AN
ELECTION?
>> Stephen: DO IT.
( CLUCKING LIKE A CHICKEN )
>> I'M YOUNG BUT I'M NOT 12.
( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: I HAVE A CAMPAIGN
SLOGAN FOR YOU.
MY FAVORITE, ARDEN 2020,
NEW ZEALAND, SAME PRIME
MINISTER.
( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
THIS IS A WINNER, RIGHT?
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: IF YOU'RE PRIME
MINISTER, DOES THAT MEAN YOU'RE
ALSO PRESIDENT?
IS THAT BUNDLED IN THERE?
>> NO.
>> Stephen: IS THERE A
PRESIDENT IN NEW ZEALAND?
>> NO.
>> Stephen: SO YOU COULD FLOAT
MY NAME?
( LAUGHTER )
>> I THINK PROBABLY CITIZENSHIP
WOULD BE --
>> Stephen: AND THAT'S WHY I
ASKED.
>> THAT'S WHY YOU ACCOUNT.
YOU HAVE A WHOLE CAREER PATH
HERE.
>> Stephen: I'D LIKE TO BE A
CITIZEN BUT I DON'T KNOW WHAT
I'M GOING TO DO HERE.
>> IS THAT A PATHWAY,
TELEVISION.
>> Stephen: TO PRESIDENT?
YEAH.
>> Stephen: RECENTLY IN THE
UNITED STATES IT IS THE
PRESIDENT.
FIRST HAVE A TELEVISION SHOW AND
THEN STRAIGHT TO PRESIDENT.
>> OKAY.
>> Stephen: I WANT TO TALK TO
YOU ABOUT THE AFTERMATH OF THE
CHRISTCHURCH SHOOTINGS.
>> MMM...
>> Stephen: YOU MIDDLE EAST
PASSED GUN REFORM BANNING ALL
MILITARY-STYLE ASSAULT RIFLES.
THAT WAS INSPIRING TO THOSE OF
US WHO LIVE IN THE UNITED STATES
WHO DEAL WITH GUN VIOLENCE.
HOW DID YOU DO IT?
I'M ASKING FOR 350 MILLION
FRIENDS OF MINE.
>> WELL, YON, WE'RE PRAGMATISTS
IN NEW ZEALAND AND, SO, WHEN IT
WAS DESCRIBED TO ME THE WEAPONS
THAT WE USED AND HOW EASILY THEY
WERE OBTAINED, MY IMMEDIATE
REACTION WAS THAT CAN'T STAND,
IT HAS TO CHANGE.
AND, SO, YOU KNOW, I NEEDED THE
VOTES OF THREE POLITICAL PARTIES
TO BE ABLE TO DO IT, BUT I DON'T
THINK I WOULD EVEN NEED TO ASK
THEM IF THEY THOUGHT THE SAME
THING.
SO I JUST WENT OUT THERE AND
SAID OUR LAWS WILL CHANGE AND,
IN THE END, EVERY SINGLE MEMBER
OF PARLIAMENT EXCEPT FOR ONE
VOTED FOR THAT CHANGE.
>> Stephen: WE'VE GOTTEN TO
THE POINT WHERE, IN AMERICA, WE
BASICALLY -- WE HAVE A FEELING
THAT THE GUN LAWS CAN'T BE
CHANGED.
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: WAS THERE NO
RESISTANCE TO IT?
>> THERE WERE SOME PEOPLE WHO
WEREN'T HAPPY ABOUT THE CHANGE,
DON'T GET ME WRONG.
WE TURNED SOMETHING THEY REALLY
PURCHASED INTO SOMETHING
ILLEGAL, SO WE GAVE THEM THE
ABILITY TO BRING THEM IN AND
PAID FOR THEM.
WE HAVE A LEGITIMATE NEED IN
NEW ZEALAND, WE MAY NOT HAVE
SNAKES BUT WE HAVE A LOT OF
THINGS THAT KILL OUR WILDLIFE,
AND WE IDENTIFIED WHAT GUNS WERE
LEGITIMATELY NEEDED FOR THOSE
THINGS.
THOSE WERE KICKED OUT, THOSE
REMAINED AND GOT RID OF THE ONES
DESIGNED TO TAKE PEOPLE'S LIVES
EN MASSE.
>> Stephen: IF YOU FOR
INVITING ME TO YOUR BEAUTIFUL
COUNTRY AND GOOD LUCK GETTING
RID OF ME.
>> PLEASE STAY FOR FOOD, WE'LL
HAVE A BARBECUE OR SOMETHING.
YOU'RE WELCOME.
>> Stephen: THANK YOU.
LAST CHANCE FOR PEANUT BRITTLE.
>> THANK YOU.
>> Stephen: I ACCEPTED HER
INSRI CASETATION AND STAYED FOR
SAUSAGES AND PRIET BREAD.
SO WE HAVE THE PRIME MINISTER,
WE HAVE THE FIRST GRILL MASTER,
WE HAVE THE FUTURE POSSIBLY
PRESIDENT OF NEW ZEALAND AND
LORDE.
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: SO NICE TO MEET
YOU.
>> YOU, TOO.
>> Stephen: I'M SURPRISED I
NEVER MET YOU BEFORE BECAUSE
YOU'RE FAMOUS AND I'M FAMOUS.
THERE'S SOMETHING I ALWAYS
WANTED TO ASK YOU.
WOULD YOU CARE FOR SOME PEANUT
BRITTLE?
WOULD YOU LIKE SOME PEANUT
BRITTLE?
>> SURE, THANK YOU.
I THINK IT MUST BE A
TRADITION.
>> Stephen: THANK YOU VERY
MUCH.
>> YEAH.
( SCREAM )
( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: YOU DON'T HAVE
SNAKES!
THE TRIP WAS WORTH IT!
( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: THANK YOU, PRIME
MINISTER ARDERN AND THANK YOU
LORDE!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH ADAM
DRIVER!
