 
The New Adventures of Pi Third Edition

Theory Parker, Pi-hD

Smashwords Edition

Copyright 2014 Theory Parker

All rights reserved. No part of this work may be reproduced in any form, except for the inclusion of brief quotations in review, without permission in writing from the author/publisher.

What the critics are saying about The New Adventures of Pi

"Put the straight jacket away. Theory Parker may be certifiably insane, but it's a good kind of certifiable insanity." – The Psychology Chronicles

"This guy says things so crazy, you can't refudiate him." – The Daily Palin

"First you had some guy under a Bodhi Tree listening to Nirvana, then another guy walked on water, then Tom Cruise jumped on a couch, and now you've got Pi-ism. Religion has finally gotten weird!" – The Sioux Falls Enquirer

Table of Contents

Introduction

First Revelation

Second Revelation

Third Revelation

Final Revelation

The Logical Structure of Pi

An Introduction to the Suggestions

Be Good Be Happy

Tips on How to Be Good

The Best Things In Life Are Not Things

Learn From.Your Mistakes

The Importance of Dreams

What You Will Is the World

Free Will Burning

The Rituals of Pi-ism

Pi-ism FAQ's

Apocalyptica

About the Author

INTRODUCTION

"Why me?"

We often ask ourselves this question in connection with events that we simply can't believe have anything to do with us. Case in point: On New Year's Day 2009, God decided to have a chat with an atheist; me. It was an interesting discussion which resulted in God's desire to see an atheist herald God's latest message, seeing how previous theistic prophets have failed to convey God's thoughts accurately. [You'd think a commandment such as "Thou shalt not kill" would be fairly obvious in its meaning, but given the state of the world as of 2009, it is clear that God's will is not being followed.]

Now, I know what you're thinking; if I say God has talked to me, I am no longer an atheist. Rest assured, though, that I am indeed still an atheist. As you'll understand after reading the First Revelation, I believe I remain an atheist after encountering God due to God's divine powers. Since the encounter I have dismissed God's actual existence as being logically ridiculous, totally absurd, and completely silly despite what I think I know I saw. But that's the way God wants it. You know, now that I think about it, God did seem to get a kick out of the idea of sending an atheist to start a new religion, that is, besides that ages old atheistic 'religion' of science.

In supposing The First Revelation you'll read herein took place exactly as I remember it, I have to assume that the purpose behind God's will that I remain an atheist is to build bridges instead of burning them. Apparently, we – as part of God's plan (an equation, really) – are all so individually important to God that it isn't even relevant to God whether you're an atheist or theist. That being the case, why not send an atheist to deliver God's latest message? That's how clever God is (cough) if God exists. I'm not sure God appreciates the difficultly such a partnership poses, though. It seems to me as difficult for people to understand as the implications of God's latest message, Pi, itself. Pi – what is the big deal about Pi, anyway?

I do get this question a lot. What does Pi have to do with anything? As it turns out, Pi is the basis of God's latest and most important message. It's the basis for God's most important message to date because Pi is in fact the very reason our universe exists, supposing God exists all the same. [I realize I keep questioning God's existence, but if God does exist, then God has talked to me, and this is God's latest and most important message.]

Here's why our universe exists: There is a question very important to God that God does not know the answer to. In order to discover the answer, God created a mathematical formula so complicated that our entire universe was created just to figure out one small part of the larger equation. The purpose of our universe is to calculate the otherwise infinite ratio of a circle's circumference to its diameter (Pi) to a finite number. Our universe is basically a giant calculator.

It's not particularly relevant (but still interesting, if you ask me) for you to understand what exactly Pi stands for. The most important thing to understand, however, is that you appreciate that each and every one of us is akin to a mathematical variable in the calculation of Pi. While God has seemed to give up on doling out commandments forbidding us to kill one another, you should know that God truly frowns upon the violence we visit upon each other. The reason? Every time someone dies before they have passed away due to natural causes – natural disasters count as natural causes, by-the-way – a variable is erased from God's calculation of Pi, thus prolonging the completion of God's calculation of Pi. Murder – not to mention general acts of interference in the lives of others – hinder God's will.

Murder is an obvious no-no, then. But what are these "general acts of interference" I allude to? For one thing, God really doesn't care if you're a Christian or Muslim or Pastafarian. That said, God hates to see people coerced, fooled, or brain-washed into believing certain things, particularly when it comes to a belief in God or anything divine. Apparently, God doesn't much care whether or not you're a believer and simply wants us to live our lives without being jerks about, well, whatever it is any one of us are inclined to be a jerk about. God has a very live-and-let-live philosophy. I have it on pretty good authority – possibly – that God gave us life so that we may enjoy our experiences. God did not give us life so that we, in our arrogance, can circumvent God's will and harm each other.

While I claim to know some things about what God has in mind for us, God has left a great deal of the interpretation of God's will up to me (which leads me to conclude that God has more faith in me than I do in God). I suppose this is because God is tired of dictating lengthy scriptures that no one is going to bother following but rather re-interpret anyway, such as the Book of Leviticus or the Dhammapada. In the few meetings I have had with God – four altogether as of this writing – there has been little that God has been absolutely clear about. That is to say, in our discussions, God has had nothing to say about topics such as abortion. I understand that this will strike many people as odd given the current debate over whether or not abortion is murder, but as I've said, God seems to have given me some latitude in interpreting such things. Not that I am eager to do so; abortion is a topic that people take very seriously without giving the matter a whole lot of thought. Suffice it to say that I am not ready to enter that particular arena, at least not until I've invested in some reliable body-armor.

Voicing my opinion on a topic when no one asked for it is bad enough. Telling you that my opinion is actually God's opinion while trying to get you to understand that I am an atheist is even more difficult. Naturally, there will be those among you who intend to adhere strongly to the religion you are now and may believe I am making a mockery of your faith, having no doubt that your religion is the One True Religion. But I must point out the obvious here: There was some point in the past when your religion did not even exist, which must mean that at some point in the past your god or gods decided it was time to send a prophet or jot some ideas down for posterity. I'm not trying to say God never has a change of heart and decides, "Okay, religion X is now the One True Religion." Rather, whenever God sees fit to send a prophet, God is making an adjustment towards the calculation of Pi. Thus, there are many paths that lead to God. But do not misunderstand; this is not the same as saying there is no One True Religion.

I have to say this because I can practically hear you grumbling, "Spiritual relativism? That's ridiculous! What's the point of believing in God there's no One True Religion? How am I supposed to feel smug and superior in comparison to others if my religion isn't The Truth?" By all means, please believe that your particular faith – if you have one – is the One True Religion. The infinite nature of Pi makes almost anything possible. [Except for there being any truth to Scientology, a religion God holds in contempt.] What is true to you is what is important. You are welcomed by God to believe what you want, when you want to, and how you want to, provided your beliefs do not harm others physically or even psychologically. God just wants you to live your life. I cannot impart that enough.

Not that I want to impart these lessons. I do not exactly relish my role as God's messenger. Trust me, I'd rather be fishing. But we are all going to do what we are going to do; I cannot escape my destiny, if there is such a thing. God has chosen me for reasons that elude me, though God apparently does think I am clever. (I can't imagine why but that's what God said about me in our first encounter.) And so I am saddled with what seems to be a divine task. If I as an atheist cannot ignore God, I'm not sure what hope there is for the rest of you. Sorry.

What follows from here are The Revelations, four altogether, that recall my encounters with God indicating to me the message I am supposed to deliver. Then, we will discover together the meaning behind The Suggestions (as opposed to Commandments) embedded in my conversations with God. Finally, I will address some issues not directly discussed with God, but that may bear some relevance to Pi-ism. Actually, everything has everything to do with Pi but I wouldn't want to bore you to death. Though, perhaps it is already too late. I probably lost you back in the very first paragraph, didn't I?

FIRST REVELATION

Cold, drunk, but satisfied with New Year's Eve's revelry, I laid my weary head down to rest...

A low, deep, cavernous voice boomed, shaking the walls and splitting the bedroom air. I bolted upright so violently that my cat, lazily sprawled across my chest, wailed as he was launched clear across the room. It...it couldn't be, could it? "Theory Parker, this is God! I would like to have a word with you!" Every cell in my body burned with a fire – no, a passion – I had never felt before. All the bad things I ever said about God, I never thought I'd actually piss Him off. I never thought He existed.

I glanced at the alarm clock, hoping I could stall. "But dude, it's three in the morning. I just got into bed."

God's voice roared in response, "Oh, I'm sorry. I forgot that you're on West Coast time. Maybe I should have my agent call your agent so we can set up a time that's convenient for both of us!" Well, at least He had a sense of humor. "Get up and get dressed," God ordered. "We're going to take a long walk off a short pier."

"Okay, you're going to have to stop doing that. You're making me dizzy," I said to God, who busied Himself shape-shifting between the universe's multitude of life-forms. "Pick one, please!"

God teased me by settling for a moment upon the form of a Victoria's Secret model, but then morphed into a mirror-image of myself. "Pick one? In that case I shall settle upon the form you are most easily able to talk to, yourself. I apologize; I was merely trying to distract you. Otherwise, these walks tend to make people..."

I understood now what it meant, what it felt like, to walk along the rings of Saturn. Chunks of ice and rock whirled beneath our feet. I puked.

"...nauseous," He finished.

I wiped my mouth with my sleeve. "This is...indescribable, God. Is this real or is this all in my head? Is it, you know, Memorex?"

He responded with zealous sarcasm. "What is real? How do you tell the difference between the real world and the dream world?" God rolled His eyes then became more civil. I, or rather God, continued humbly. "This is indeed what it is like. It is quite wonderful, isn't it?"

We walked side by side, each step immeasurable. As Saturn's moon Titan rose over the horizon, God stopped and turned to face me. It was a calculated reflection; my, His face conflicted and yet at the same time, certain. "Is this enough for you, Theory, or do you require more parlor tricks? Here we are defying the mercilessness of space itself. You can now see me, hear me, and talk to me. What further proof do you require that I exist?" I could see in His eyes that He expected a serious answer from this longtime atheist.

Despite being faced with the awesome spectacle of being in the presence of God, I thought it best not to step outside my comfort zone.

"I've got to say that you look much younger than I would have expected, God. Yoga much?"

I was biding my time, trying to figure out if I were really in God's presence or if this was my imagination. The view, this manifestation, it was so wonderful that parlor trick or not, I was thoroughly impressed.

"Okay, I will grant that this is probably happening. I don't believe I could be imagining this on my own, what I'm seeing, hearing, and feeling. You exist. You have made your point, sir." Suddenly, I was no longer an atheist. "Now what happens?"

He turned to continue walking and I walked along with Him. His seriousness subsided and He spoke anew.

"Theory, you've been trying to write a humorous book detailing the finer points of atheism. That chapter, the one where you challenge me to a steel-cage wrestling match? I thought that was a little over the top. I realize you were just trying to get my attention, though. It's just that I wonder if you've taken the time to ask yourself whether or not you're being a little too self-righteous. Yes, theists are often self-righteous, but by trying to promote atheism, might you be making a bad situation worse? Now, it's not that I mind atheists. Actually, their arguments are so good that sometimes even I don't believe I exist. I just want to make sure you know what you're doing."

"I'm not sure I understand, my Lord. There's no point in my writing a book to defend the philosophical underpinnings of atheism and no point in making fun of theists, other than to amuse myself, if I believe in you now."

He flashed a devilish smile. "Perhaps I'm not telling you to abandon your long-held beliefs. I'd like you to think first about what would happen if even one more person stopped believing in me. Is rationality enough to govern one's life? Do you really think that if everyone were an atheist that would stop humans from acting the way they do? While there certainly are people I wish my name weren't associated with and theists routinely misinterpret my existence, how important do you think it is that people believe in me? Can't you all just get along? If not, why not? These are serious questions to consider."

For once in my life, I answered without hesitation. "Uh, whether or not people believe in you seems pretty important. When someone tells me that Jesus loves me and I respond by saying 'Thanks but no thanks' but they keep babbling, it becomes important. When someone blows up a bus or train or building full of men, women, and children, having been compelled by what they think is your will, it becomes important."

I was almost mortified to have God question my motives. Besides, what with His infinite wisdom, doesn't He already know that I'm right and that I've already asked myself these questions?

"I'm trying to help, God. Promoting rationalism and skepticism would surely help humanity survive and do so with a minimum of grief. Of what use is it for humans to kill each other over ideas that (if you ask me) should become irrelevant in time? Our situation is your fault. I should be asking you, what are you doing to help? You say that you wish there weren't people your name was associated with and that people misinterpret your existence, yet I don't see you rescinding the circumstances that lead people to kill each other en masse or clarifying your existence so that there is no misinterpretation. If you're so powerful and sympathetic enough towards humans that you'll take the time to convince this one atheist that you exist, then why don't you mettle in all human affairs?"

"Oh, you are sure of yourself on this one, aren't you?" He said with a hint of laughter in His voice. "I'm involved right now, you are correct. But do I have time to intervene everywhere all of the time? Do you have any idea how big the multi-verse is? Humans are not my only creation. Sorry to disappoint, but in fact I'm not powerful enough to pay strict and sole attention to Earth. And so what I do is send emissaries instead. Buddha was an emissary. Jesus was an emissary too, though what he tried to teach has been gravely compromised. Hugh Hefner is an emissary as well, but his time is short."

God took a long, deep breath, then gestured in my direction. "Now, I am sending them you."

I crossed my arms skeptically. "Me. Why?"

"Emissaries are the means by which I correct certain...variables...in an equation. Your mission is not to completely correct the equation, which would be impossible. The equation is much too complex. You are no more meant to do anything other than what you do. You've argued that there is no free will? You're right about that and I can understand the refusal of other human beings to accept such a thing. But I certainly have my reasons for creating your world such as it is. I haven't divulged this plan because it is beyond the comprehension of humans beings."

"We couldn't comprehend it?" I laughed. Since He has now spoken that I will do no more than what I will do, I didn't feel the need to suppress my own arrogance. "How about I try?"

Ice and rock flew beneath my feet, occasionally colliding as I attempted to put two and two together. "Okay, so you're clarifying a part of your equation right now, telling me to continue doing whatever it is I do even if I believe in you." Saturn's gravity gnawed at me. "The universe is an equation. You have a question and you are trying to find the answer. From time to time you fix a part of the equation in order to home in on the answer. How am I doing so far?"

He looked over at me, amused. "I suppose that's easy enough to figure out. Please continue."

"If I had to guess, I would say you first intervened in human history to impart the very idea that you existed, without regards to any specific knowledge, because you thought this part of the problem would work itself out naturally." I wasn't really sure if I were onto something but ran with it anyway. "But this part of the equation doesn't seem to be working out. You made a mistake and so you want to take a different approach now. You think it would be better if maybe some people, more people, stopped believing in you because you think it will bring you closer to solving your equation. Or, maybe your existence is irrelevant."

With a tone of satisfaction in his voice he spoke as if to someone up above. "He's a clever boy. He's so close." He redirected his attention to me. "Except, let's not say I make mistakes. I let the equation go as far as it will on its own and then I make adjustments. This is the way of things. I created the universe for a reason; I had a cause to do so. I cannot escape causality any more than you can. Any clarifications I make to the equation are inevitable, and I must let portions of the equation work itself out until it is ready to be adjusted. The point, my dear boy, of us having this conversation is that humanity is ready for what you have to say. Or perhaps they're not. At any rate, this is what you're going to do. I would like you to...that's a polite way of saying 'I command thee'...to be more of a uniter despite your often divisive position. I know that doesn't make much sense now, but you'll figure it out."

"Figure it out? You're God. You made the rules. This is your equation. If I'm a variable, why don't you just..."

"You humans are very fond of asking yourselves 'why?' Why this and why that? If for a moment you consider that just maybe I did create humans in my likeness, through evolution of course, don't you think I too would be asking myself 'why?' I exist across this universe as well as dimensions you cannot begin to fathom. I am full of all the information therein..."

"But you don't know why you exist," I interjected, amazed. "It's your only question. You've created all of these universes, all of them equations, in order to find the answer. It's proving to be tougher than you thought, isn't it?"

"Yes. And I know what you're going to say next. You are going to ask me if perhaps my compulsion to ask why I exist is the reason I exist – to ask that very question. That is very wise of you but it doesn't prevent me from continuing to ask the question. I don't know if my existence or your existence or the existence of anything else requires an explanation, and thus I have devised a formula that may provide the answer."

I empathized with Him. How incredibly lonely that must be to be faced with such a task. Imagine being God, who for an infinite amount of time can ask yourself but one question. That has got to suck.

"Would it be possible to conclude your existence requires no explanation, my Lord? What then; will you sweep the world away?"

He answered, "That is a bridge to be crossed when and if I ever come to it, as you humans would say. I have given it thought but cannot say at this juncture what I would do with all the universes should the answer not satisfy me. What I can say right now is that I do not feel that I would be satisfied with the answer, 'There is no answer.' "

Although insignificant in His presence, I took pity upon Him. "God, we exist. It's something we should all come to terms with; we can't change it. Don't you think it is more important to ask ourselves what the hell we're doing with our lives instead of why we're here?"

I knew what He was going to say. He said it exactly.

"I already know what I am doing with my 'life.' Your purpose as humans is to help me figure out the answer to my question. I apologize for being blunt, but you are a cog. The universe is my calculator. So straighten your fellow humans out, if you'd be so kind."

"Fine, I'm in," I told Him. "But if I continue to advocate some form of atheism, like the people I often criticize I'll be a hypocrite even if they don't know it. I'm not comfortable with that."

"Don't worry about that too much," He waved a hand as if to dismiss my concern. He put His other hand on my shoulder and spoke to me sincerely. "I will make it impossible for you to acknowledge my actual existence though you will remember this conversation. I hereby declare you an atheist under orders from God. Sorry for the mindfuck."

"People are going to think I'm crazy, my Lord."

"Most everyone you know already thinks that. Besides, do you really think anyone who has ever made a difference in your world has cared whether or not other people thought they were crazy?"

"I guess I have no choice now that you've officially lost my mind for me. Your wish is my command, God."

Upon this agreement, I felt as though the entire conversation were fleeting, as if the intense gravity of Saturn were about to snatch me away from this important conversation. I tried to act quickly.

"God, it would really help if we knew a few things. Is the universe itself alive? How far away from Earth are the nearest sentient life forms? Is there a cure for cancer? Why is the sky blue? Will manufactured boy-bands that prey upon emotionally unstable teenage girls ever go away? How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if..."

"Theory," He abruptly cut in, "I know you have questions. Marginally specific answers, ambiguous clarifications; they are forthcoming." He turned His back to me and looked down at His feet. "Do you know how much I would like to be the one asking all the questions? But I am allowed to have only one and that question is my purpose. Help me by fulfilling whatever purpose you decide to give yourself, a purpose I will then endorse." He picked His head up, turned, and looked at me. Smiling, he quipped, "If nothing else, you're amusing – all the cynical dark humor notwithstanding – and there certainly is not enough laughter in your world."

I bowed in the manner of a gentleman. "Sure. Thy will be done, right?"

"Spare the theatrics, Theory. They don't suite you," He said as He began to blaze with a blinding light. I closed my eyes before they could be burned from my sockets.

"One more thing, Theory. Remember this: Be good, be happy." His voice faded off into the universe.

"Um, ooooookay. Godspeed to you, uh...God."

My atoms flashed across the solar system and back into my bedroom. I found myself sitting at my desk, at 3:01am, and wrote this entire encounter down. It really happened!

That's my story and I'm sticking to it. I wonder though, how many people are going to say that I haven't really talked to God. Exactly how do we determine whether or not I'm crazy? There have been a countless number of people throughout the ages who have claimed to talk to God, but exactly how do we know who has been truthful? The crazy thing is that I have talked to God. I think. While there is still the question of exactly who or what God is, I know what I have to do. Somewhat.

Epilogue to the First Revelation

The most obvious thing to take away from the First Revelation is that God (who is either my imagination or so powerful that He can keep me from actually believing in Him) has chosen me to herald His latest message. However, despite my new role as God's messenger, God at this point has not made it entirely clear to me what message I am to deliver. In fact, that message would not become clear before the completion of our three some-odd conversations. I suppose God thought our mere meeting was enough for any mortal to handle, thus, He decided not to bog me down with details beyond the catch-phrase, "Be good, be happy."

At first, it did seem to me that God added that parting line a bit flippantly, but you have to imagine that anything God says is important. So, "Be good, be happy," appears to be important wisdom God wanted to impart upon me; so important in fact that God would rather have me tell you to "Be good, be happy," rather than force the knowledge of His existence upon me. Later, we'll look at "Be good, be happy," in depth.

Meanwhile, I am inclined to think that God isn't such a bad deity after all. Of course, I might be biased since He has chosen me for a divine mission. On the other hand, God seems to have stacked the deck against me by selecting an atheist to deliver His message. And, he didn't even bother to outfit me with any cool gadgets for my mission! An exploding pen-knife would have been cool, but I guess I'm not that kind of agent. What I do know is that God – if God exists – had selected me to do something very important. Only, how do you believe anything God tells you when He's made it impossible for you to believe in Him?

SECOND REVELATION

My fiancé and I had spent the day hunting for sea turtles to swim with at some of Maui's southern beaches. It was on our last stop at a black sand beach that we finally caught up with one, a 300-pounder. The hunt had been frustrating up until that point but we felt fortunate for the exhilarating experience of being so close, perhaps too close, to such a beautiful and graceful creature.

Soon afterwards, we returned to our condo and popped open a bottle of champagne in celebration of life and its graces. The libations, however, coursed through my tired muscles and saw me fall upon the absorbent, bountiful blankets of the hotel bed. My eyes drooped, weighted with lead, impossible to keep open.

It was at the moment I stopped fighting the exhaustion that the walls began to rumble. Though I became alarmed as I felt my bones start to rattle, I found I could not open my eyes. Then the earth began to roll back and forth, causing me to fall head over heels, flat onto my back. The wind had been knocked out of me but someone was kind enough to help me to my feet; my fiancé I supposed. What I couldn't figure out was why she was lifting me up over her head. I had no idea she was so strong. That's when it occurred to me.

"Aw, crap," passed weakly from my lips.

"This is what you wanted, isn't it?" God thundered. "C'mon, fight!" He bellowed as He threw me into the wall of a steel cage.

A wise man once said that dreams are real while they last and this appeared to be no exception. I had hoped my conversation with God on New Year's Day morning had been nothing more than my imagination. Caught up in this moment, I could not see a reason why I would imagine God kicking my ass in a steel cage match and even if I were imagining it, why it would feel as real as it did. I figured I could be dreaming, but at the same time SLAM! it was not my imagination.

I figured if I were going down, I'd go down fighting. I was lying on my back, so with every ounce of energy I could muster, I rolled over and charged God in an attempt to spear Him. To my dismay, God had assumed the body of the legendary pro-wrestler Andre the Giant for this match. I bounced off His belly into the ropes, tangling myself up. God wrapped a huge right hand around my neck.

"This is *gulk* totally *urk* unfair. Aren't you suppose to *gurgle* be teaching me *ulp* something?" I asked.

"I am teaching you something," God grinned. "I'm teaching you the value of dreams," He continued, rattling my head against the cage.

"Oh...BALLS!" I reacted, falling to the mat. I could taste a bit of blood in my mouth. "Couldn't you just lecture me instead?"

"Violence is as valid a form of communication as any other. That doesn't make violence acceptable, but you can use it to communicate in a way that is sometimes more memorable than just using words. But don't misunderstand me; I abhor violence. This is a special case, though."

God threw a humongous boot into my ribs. Almost all the breath in my body left my lungs. "This isn't happening to you," God continued. "Okay, it kind of is, but not in the reality you know. You see..." He said lifting me over His head again, "...this is a glimpse of what is happening to you in one of my other countless universes. Do you see what I'm getting at?"

The mat was seven plus feet below me. I didn't want to be thrown there with any force. Despite the fact I've never been very quick-witted, this was a good time to try and make an exception. To answer God's question I replied, "Don't piss you off?"

"Sort of. There's more to it than that, but that's a good place to start."

In the short amount of time I spent speeding toward the canvas below, I came to understand Him. There was something to be learned from the first-hand observation of our lives in other realities.

My eyes snapped open. For a moment I was tense, bracing for the next attack. But I found myself soaking in a deep, wooden, Japanese-style hot tub instead. The lights were low, relaxing me into the water. Looking out a window, I saw that it was the evening and palm trees swayed gently back and forth. I sensed my fiancé hands rest upon my neck and shoulders. She began a gentle massage.

"I thought you'd put up a better fight," a voice chimed in, surprising me. It was my own voice. God was sitting next to me on my left, having taken the same form as when we first met. My fiancé, or rather an amazing simulation, busied herself rubbing His neck and shoulders as well.

"Jesus Christ, God! You know I'm a good listener. The cage wasn't necessary," I scolded. The hot water penetrated my aching muscles as I assessed this scenario. "This is really weird," I added.

"It gets weirder," He said.

My fiancé, both of them, dissolved into nothingness, but I could still feel her hands rubbing my shoulders. Then the hot tub and all the water simply faded away, yet I could still feel the relieving heat and the steam upon my face. Everything else – God, the room, the world – utterly disappeared, too. I thought that I should be unsettled by all this, but I was not. Naked and alone in the dark for some immeasurable time, I felt coddled in the pitch black. I felt warm, alive; in good company even.

As if He were still physically there, God asked, "Does this make sense?"

"Yes," I answered contently. "The best things in life aren't things themselves. Things come and go. The attitudes we take toward our interactions with things create the worth we attribute to them. Gold isn't inherently beautiful. It is beautiful when it is compared to other metals. And, if people keep gold from each other, the worth of gold is created. But more importantly than that, when one is in a good mood, everything is beautiful. Even nothingness."

The room reappeared as it had been just moments earlier.

"Wow. You got all that from the dissolution of the world around you?" God asked. "I was just screwing with you to see if you'd think you'd gone crazy." He sort of shrugged, and then continued. "After all, you sort of have. You've met me and yet I've made it impossible for you to acknowledge my actual existence." God dipped both hands into the hot water, brought his hands up quickly and splashed his face. "How do make sense of that?"

I paused and looked up towards the ceiling as if I needed to think about it. In fact, I had thought about this for weeks.

"You mentioned that the universe is an equation. You haven't found the answer to your question yet, which means whatever answer you may have calculated until now is irrational; your answer doesn't terminate or repeat a pattern. With that in mind, the universe is full of infinite possibilities, including the fact that God – you – can simultaneously exist and not exist or exist in any number of forms at once or even exist one moment and not the next."

"Wow," God said again, "You really are crazy." Then He reassuringly patted me on the shoulder. "I'm kidding, that's exactly it. I'm glad you figured that out. The problem is how, exactly, are you going to sell that idea? And, how are you going to sell it so that people aren't inclined to conjure me up to be some misogynistic, homophobic, racist douchebag?"

I looked into the water for an answer. I knew this was a problem but I hadn't thought of a solution. "I don't think that can be helped. But you did say earlier that you abhorred violence."

"I do. I find it especially irritating that people kill in my name. I mean, it bewilders even me that humans need some cosmic justification for waging wars over resources, which is exactly what all wars are about. Everyone knows this, too, yet almost all of you would prefer to be lied to about the need for war, not to mention all sorts of other things. Did you know that your species is the least honest species in the entire universe?"

"Sure, I would've guessed that," I replied. "But if you could step down off your soapbox for just a moment, you mentioned last time that free will doesn't exist. That means you created my universe with the full knowledge that evil would occur. Not to nitpick or anything, but...you know."

God let out a sigh and dunked His head in the water for what seemed a long time. I suppose He didn't need to breathe, but it seemed a strange thing to do knowing I can't hold my breath to save my life and He had taken on my likeness. He took his head out of the water and slicked back His hair.

"Look, I don't have to account for anything. I'm God," He said. "I really expected that you guys would stop killing each other by now. How am I going to get any closer to my answer if humans go about doing the same ol' thing all the goddamn time? By all means, people should do what they want to themselves. But people are only responsible for themselves no matter what someone else does to them; lashing out at others for your own shortcomings is cowardly, our little match notwithstanding."

He slapped His hands against the water as if He were frustrated. I shot Him a worried look. Then, as if looking into a mirror and seeing the mirror's image reaching towards you, He grabbed my arm and we shot up into the sky. Near the speed of light we flew by asteroids and planets and out into interstellar space.

Stars became nothing more than small streaks of light as we flew past them. We slowed down when we approached the heart of a young galaxy. As we floated among a cocoon of budding stars, God began to morph into another being.

The creature, clearly not earthly, was clearly female. She was more than human; she was perfectly human. Her pale purple skin was flawless, glistening like water melting over ice. Her golden hair was long and radiant, blown back by the passing of solar winds. Her diamond eyes, they bore through me revealing everything about me yet still accepting everything that I was. She reached out to me and I was overcome by her gravity – an uncontrollable, raging passion – that there was no sense in resisting. I gave in. We made love for an eternity. We screamed across time, time, time, time...

As I began to wake, I noticed I was lying face up, drifting upon the ocean. I opened my eyes and there was a seagull standing on my chest looking down at me.

Assuming it were God, I said, "I don't get it."

"Squawk!" the seagull returned.

I let out a big sigh and figured if I were lucky, I would eventually make landfall like some errant Coke bottle stuffed with a half-baked message.

"Just screwing with you again," the seagull blurted. "Relax; it's me," God said.

"I don't get it," I said again.

"Is it worth 'getting'?" God asked. "What happened? We made love. That's right, you made love to God. And it was pretty awesome, wasn't it? You can't tell me it wasn't. But you have nothing tangible left of that experience, all you have is the memory of it. It's all you'll have of that moment for the rest of your life. Maybe you'll accept what it was, an experience you'll never grow tired of recalling. Maybe you'll try to make sense of it and it will drive you mad. Either way, that memory is always going to fill you with fire. And fire is good; it's cathartic. It just goes to prove the point you made earlier."

"That the best things in life aren't things?"

"Yes, oh ye of little faith," God squawked.

"I totally got that from a bumper sticker," I said.

"Well, I like it. Make sure you give credit where credit is due." God turned around, readying for takeoff.

"God? So...does it count as cheating? You know how chicks are."

The seagull half turned his head back towards me. "What, the sex? It's probably best if you regard that whole business as just a dream, 'cause if you tell your fiancé what happened, she'll probably call off the wedding for fear that you've gone insane. Look, don't feel bad; the Andromeda Goddess was specifically created to be irresistible. No creature – male, female, whatever – could resist her."

I didn't feel any worse about it than not believing in an existent god.

"Relax, if she didn't dump you after what happened on New Year's Day, she never will," God added. "I gotta fly. We'll do this again. Third time's always a charm, right?"

God flapped His wings and stole into the sky, up into the blinding sun, far, far away. He left me quite a distance from land, which I thought should surprise me, but it didn't. Nothing at this point surprised me anymore.

Epilogue to the Second Revelation

With this encounter being every bit as heady as our initial meeting, it was impossible to glean everything I needed to learn on the spot. A few nights' sleep tends to make such events clearer, though.

While God's philosophy of non-violence is relatively easy to understand, the importance of dreams as glimpses of our lives in other universes is quite fantastic and only becomes truly understandable in its relation to the Third Suggestion (which is revealed in the Third Revelation). Thus, the topic will need to be addressed in a separate chapter. Likewise, the Second Suggestion, "The best things in life are not things," will also be addressed later in this book.

What begins to come to light here in the Second Revelation is the fantastic properties of Pi and what Pi makes possible, such as the notion that God "can simultaneously exist and not exist or exist in any number of forms at once or even exist one moment and not the next." (Granted that God has said nothing about Pi specifically at this point, but that shall come.) This is admittedly very difficult to understand and should become clearer as we progress. However, if by now you find yourself losing patience with God's offbeat sense of humor, please skip to the chapter entitled The Logical Structure of Pi to start getting a handle on the concept of the nearly unlimited possibilities that come as a consequence of our universe as an equation.

THIRD REVELATION

I was walking through downtown Portland one afternoon when I came upon a young, scraggily-bearded man casually sprawled across the sidewalk. Draped across his chest was a sign that read, "Need beer money." What a curious tactic, I thought. Wouldn't he rather have something more, well, substantial? Food or shelter routinely comes to mind in these instances, at least to me. I usually don't make time for lazy people, but today I decided to make an exception.

"If you tell me why you need beer money and I decide your answer is adequate, I will buy you a beer. I say 'buy you a beer' because I'm sure as hell not going to let you waste money on a Pabst or, God forbid, a Budweiser," I said.

He looked at me with uncertainty, raised his eyebrows and replied, "I'm thirsty?"

"Bzzt, wrong answer! Beer is a diuretic; everyone knows that. If you'd told me that you needed money for water or that you needed a drink to take your mind off the fact that your parents who were supporting you just became the latest victims of the recession, I'd be more sympathetic." I smiled.

The young man frowned. "You're a jerk, man."

I returned his indignation. "I'm not the one who got in your way. You got in your own way. You gave me a crappy answer. That's what happens when you try to bullshit a bullsh...philosophy student."

I walked away from him, unable to take the smell any longer.

As it is not hard to do in Portland, I soon came upon another transient, this time an older man. He was old enough to practically be ancient, with a thick white beard and his hair in a ponytail. As I approached him, I could see clearly the deep crevices in his face, left by the ravages of time. He held a cane which he raised every few moments as if attempting to part the nearby Willamette River.

I tried not to get too close but was still well within earshot. "Have you seen God?" he asked.

In light of recent events I wasn't sure if he were serious. I thought it best to play things out, albeit cautiously. "That depends upon what you mean by..."

"She's running late. She told me to tell you to come with me," the old man said.

"I don't know what you're talking about," I responded warily.

"That's okay," he said. "Oh, she asked me to ask you if you remember the time you told that one girl she was special and that's why you didn't want to have drunk sex with her when in fact you were afraid you were too drunk to be able to do it."

"Okayokayokayshit be quiet." I put my head in my hands. "Lead the way," I whispered.

We walked for several blocks towards the Brewery Blocks during which time no one said anything. Realizing it was Happy Hour at Henry's Tavern and that there was a god who didn't exist wanting to see me during waking hours made me a little nervous.

"Where are we going?" I asked. "I don't know about you but I could use a beer right about now. But not a Pabst or, God forbid, a Budweiser."

"Did you ask me where we were going?" the old man said taking an earbud out of his ear. He took an iPod out of his well travelled jacket and fiddled with it. "Who cares, life is all about listening to Journey, not the destination."

"This is going to be a long day," I whispered, just noticing we'd passed the tavern.

The old man stopped in front of Arlene Schnitzer Hall. "Here we are," he told me. "We're just going to go around back here..." He grabbed me by the arm and spun me towards the other side of the building, dragging me along as he stepped with a purpose.

When we reached the back of the building, he looked around to see if anyone were watching, then opened a door and shoved me inside. "Second door on your left," he said as he slammed the door behind me. I stepped forward cautiously, unsure what to expect.

The second door to the left was open and from it emanated a bright light, though not quite the blinding light you would expect from God. I turned the corner and saw that it was a dressing room. A middle-aged brunette woman paced nervously back and forth, talking to herself. "This is the big time, this is the big time," she muttered.

"God, is that you?" I asked her.

The woman spun around to see me. She gave me a look that was somewhere between excited and terrified. "Mr. Parker! Thank Go...for heaven sa...okay! You're here right on time. Have a seat. We need to get you ready for the show."

I took a seat and faced the vanity mirror and she began to tussle my hair. "What show?"

"Didn't anyone tell you?" she asked as she massaged mousse into my hair. "You're hosting The Tonight Show right now. Now let's make you presentable."

"But didn't Conan O'Brian just take over The Tonight Show? Or is Jay Leno back already? Oh; what you mean is, is that I'm tonight's guest. Though why I would be the guest is beyond me. And isn't the show taped in Burbank? Why are we taping in Portland?"

She stopped and shook her head at me as if I were aggravating her, keeping her from doing her work. "Look Mr. Parker, all I know is that you're hosting the show tonight. From what I understand, God is tonight's special guest. If you would kindly shut up so I can do my work and make something presentable out of you, God will answer my prayers and this will become my full-time job. Which I usually love but not right now!"

She wacked me in the face with foundation, a bit too forcefully. I thought she might want to consider another career, but then it occurred to me that I wasn't particularly suited to host The Tonight Show. In fact, I didn't even have a monologue prepared. God...dammit. As I cannot improvise, I hoped they still did cue cards.

After being thrust into the limelight by a short, bald stage manager (apparently stereotypes are stereotypes for a reason), I managed to hold my own during the monologue, helped along by cue cards. "And this just in, Carrie Prejean has indeed been stripped of the 2009 Miss California title. The remainder of her term will be filled by 1st runner-up American Idol alumni, Adam Lambert." There was no one in the audience, but I acted as if there were. "Okay! We've got a great show for you tonight. GOD, will be here. We'll hear what's up with God tonight. Megan Fox! from any number of movies I can't remember but I remember her will join us. (She's recently single.) And, tonight's musical guests, Stryper! will be here." As the house band chimed in, I was anxious to get God's portion of the show out of the way, being a big Megan Fox, er, Transformers fan and all.

After taking a few seconds for a pretend commercial break, the stage manager counted down for me and we resumed taping. "So my first guest...well, He's done it all. And I do mean ALL of it. The whole universe." The stage manager shook his head at my intro. "Nevermind me, my first guest tonight needs no introduction, everyone please welcome God!"

The house band started in with Norman Greenbaum's Spirit in the Sky and God came out from behind the curtains. Never without a sense of humor, God showed up as the afore-mentioned, defunct Miss California, Carrie Prejean. I wasn't particularly surprised. We shook hands and She took a seat on the couch.

"God, you look good for your age. How do you do it?"

"Oh, this? This is just something I threw on. People always seemed to be surprised by my youth, but I'll let you in on a little secret: A person's metabolism doesn't slow down; it's people who slow down. Usually by the time people figure this out, they feel like it's too late. Guess what? It's never too late until you're dead. And," She said thrusting an accusatory finger towards the camera, "You go to heaven with the body you die in. Consider that, people. Unless you don't believe in heaven, then you don't have anything to worry about." God smiled for the camera.

"Then wouldn't I be better off not believing in you?" I asked. God just continued to smile.

Obviously, She was going to make me work for it. "So, ah, what are you working on, God? I hear you've got a big project in the works. Why don't you tell us a little about that."

"Yes, I am glad you asked, Theory. As you personally know, I've got this equation I've been working on. And, as you know, what you humans are doing here on Earth has something to do with that equation and frankly, it's time I made some changes. It has been 1500 years since I've worked on the part of the equation that involves human beings, after all."

I leaned back in my chair as I grew more comfortable with my role. "So you didn't start Scientology, didn't really have anything to do with that, it being one of the more recent religions?"

God leaned forward, Her eyes darted about. "Look, even though I consider almost all religions equal, Scientology is the only one that is actually completely retarded." She leaned back on the couch and looked at the camera wide-eyed, shaking Her head in the affirmative. "You heard it from the horse's mouth."

"Okay," I said, "Let's get some things straight while we're on the record here. We've chatted before and this is what I've gotten out of you so far: Our universe is part of an equation, an equation you have formulated to help you figure out why you exist; it's the only question you don't have an answer for. Everything within this universe is a variable, and so far the answer you've been left with for this universe is an irrational number that doesn't terminate or repeat a pattern, such as Pi. Could you explain to our audience what this means for the human race?"

God displayed a pageant winning smile. "I'd love to. You see, the main thing is that people stop killing each other. Everyone is a variable in my equation, so when someone dies before the time they would otherwise naturally expire, the lost variable messes up my equation and results in Pi. I don't want Pi, I hate Pi."

"Of course you do, it would add 10 pounds," I joked. "But if I may, doesn't Pi allow for the fact that you can both exist and not exist at the same time because infinite possibilities are contained within Pi?"

"Sure," God answered, "But that much is a natural part of the equation. Look, there are more than just two options in any given situation. You humans tend not to realize it because you've evolved to make no more sense of the world than is necessary to survive. Does one plus one always equal two? No, because the context in which ask the question sets the rules for whether or not that statement is true or false. Do I exist? Sometimes that depends on the context of the question. And, even when I do exist, it's not like I exist as an object because no matter what you do, I'm not something you can reach out and touch."

I reached across my desk and poked God in the boob. "Are those...fake?" I asked.

God looked down, then back up at me. "Thanks. Thanks a lot. Now my equation is really screwed up," She said sternly. But then She smiled again, "But seriously, by doing that, do you see what I'm getting at?"

"Sure," I answered, "But I'm not sure the audience does. How is it relevant that you exist and don't exist? Are you trying to say something about people's beliefs?"

"Yes. People believe what they believe in order to get through the day. If they need me, I'm there. If someone needs a Pop-Tart everyday – like you do – fine, you believe in the power of Pop-Tarts. It's there for you; great. It's okay to believe what you want and it's also okay to change those beliefs; that's the way I intended human beings to operate. You are free to be very uncomfortable with people who don't believe in Me, but – listen to me very closely, people – that does not give you the right to cause any amount of suffering to non-believers. Likewise, atheists shouldn't beat up on believers with their Mace of Almighty Logic. It wastes your time and annoys the pig. And don't become a Scientologist, either. Bottom line: I just need people to get through their lives with as much happiness as possible. You're all rats. Try to get to the end of the maze."

"I can't believe you just said that, God," I said looking at the camera.

"You're the one who thought it. I was reading your mind while I was talking...Wait. Oh! You are really screwed up, you know that?"

"So God, we now know that you were serious about the whole 'thou shalt not kill' thing and that we aren't allowed to justify it. Why does evil happen in the first place?"

"Well, the formula is terribly complex...but I see your point; it's not a good defense. It's my fault really, since I created everything in the universe and with it the circumstances that lead to evil. I didn't do it intentionally; in fact, I figured it was going to happen. It just turned out that human beings are really good at killing each other. I hope we can start to turn that around."

"What about natural evil?" I asked. "Does that even exist?"

"No," God replied, "Nature does what it does. A hurricane doesn't strike New Orleans with the intent of taking human lives; it's just a hurricane. Human beings can reduce the impact of nature on their lives by not living in places that are prone to natural disasters. Seriously, if a city is built on the San Andreas Fault and you move there, you have no one to blame but yourself when disaster strikes. On the other hand, you can't avoid every little thing that happens, that's just a part of life. Death, that is. Death is a part of life. Why you humans haven't come to terms with that yet is a good one."

"You're saying our fear of death is a mistake?"

"Yes, I am. And if you don't learn from your mistakes, how the heck do you expect to get very far in life? That is, if that concerns you. And I know what you're thinking, Theory, that maybe homeless people should learn from their mistakes. You really should have a little more sympathy. Not every one chooses to be homeless or is smart enough to avoid becoming a vagrant. You make mistakes, too."

"I suppose that I do," I replied. "But you also said I was right about there being no free will. You just said a minute ago that we are free to..."

"It was a figure of speech, Theory."

"You're equivocating," I said in a high-pitched voice.

"Okay, fine. You want the truth on free will? There is no free will. Don't get me wrong; a pre-determined universe is not an escape from responsibility. Responsibility is not a matter of choice as many human beings believe. For example, you have a responsibility to operate as a variable in my equation. There is no choice in the matter. If you are alive, you have that responsibility. You could stop breathing but you would pass out and resume breathing. Surely, you could commit suicide, but that would be a self-contained action that had one or more causes. Suicide is unfortunate though insofar as it may bring about more suffering than happiness. On the other hand, I don't think too many people were unhappy with Hitler's decision to kill himself."

"Everything has a cause and those causes have an effect," I encapsulated. "But how do you know where the causes begin and the effects end? When is one not the other?"

With a sad note in God's voice, She answered, "Hence, my great question."

"A lot of people are going to be unhappy with the idea that free will does not exist and that you created the universe that way," I continued.

"When the President does it, that means that it is not illegal," God joked, imitating Dick Cheney. "Listen, it's meant to be empowering, not debilitating. If you know that living your life in a certain way is going to have certain effects, you can take 'control' of your life and be happier than ever before."

Out of the corner of my eye I saw the stage manager twirling his finger wildly, indicating that we needed to wrap it up. "Okay, God. It looks like we're about out of time. Thanks for stopping by and clarifying a few thing for us. Before you go, however, a quick question that has been on the tips of our tongues: What DO you think of gay marriage?"

"What goes on between consenting adults of reasonable intelligence is of no concern of mine so long as it does not interfere with the lives of others," She answered.

"Great," I shot back, "Much better than that other answer. Okay, we've got to take a break! God, thanks for coming in. We'll be right back with Megan Fox!"

After the show, I sat on Saturn's moon, Titan, a tray of jello shots beside me. God sat next to me, revealed in Its truest form yet, an electric space jellyfish. A tentacle reached out for a strawberry-blueberry shot and slung it back.

"These shar really good," God slurred.

"God," I said, "Thanks for letting me do the show. Meeting Megan Fox and Stryper was really a blast. I thought you were going to pull the rug out from under me as soon as we wrapped up our segment."

"Nah, I've gotta lesh you have a little fun before the shit shits the fan. Megan Foxsh was a little predictable, but I shink Shtryper was a nishe touch."

"What do you mean, God? What shit?" I asked.

"Who's going to bewieve an atheist who says he's talked to God? Ha ha ha, can't wait to see you try to shell this."

"But we just did a whole show, God. We recorded it...didn't we?"

"Yes, we did...for another univershe! Ha ha ha! No one saw it back in your univershe. Shorry."

1000 jello shots could not console me.

"Theory, Iiiiiii gotta go. We've got one more shing to go over but I've got shum calls to make. Until nexsh time, be good, be happy."

God patted me on the back, sending a violent shock through my body. When I came to, I lifted my head off my desk and realized I was at school, in my philosophy class on Friedrich Nietzsche. I wasn't sure if I were being punished or if God thought this was funny. If I grasped nothing else so readily, it was that being a prophet wasn't going to be easy.

Epilogue to the Third Revelation

As you can see, there is much that God decided to clarify during this encounter. That said, unlike other points, the topics of death, heaven, evil, and gay marriage do not need to be clarified much further. Free will is a more complicated matter and will be discussed in due time.

What is interesting about this Revelation – which was only glimpsed in the previous Revelations – is that God can take any form God wishes. God can be gender-neutral, male, female, or even a gender unknown to us humans. This seems to figure; you would think any deity worth their salt would be free of gender-constraints. Certainly some religions are gender-specific about God though, like the monotheistic religions, which not coincidently are controlled by the males in those groups.

While God certainly appears to respect the finer details of certain religions, the gender of God is a moot point. What is important is that no one – male or female – is coerced or forced to believe a religion. While God hasn't said forthright that He is against the indoctrination of children into a religion, it is easy to see that He would frown upon it. Hence, no one should raise their children to believe without question their own religion. Do you think otherwise?

Really, what are the chances that if you were raised a Mormon, you just happened to be born into the One True Religion? Wow, you'd be awfully lucky. But luck has nothing to do with it; your belief makes it true, and those beliefs have a cause. If or when you change your mind about your religion, that will have a cause, too. It's no big deal; it's the way things are supposed to work. Although, there always is the risk of being disowned by your family for changing your beliefs in which case you will need to decide who is more important, you or them. That is no small question but do remember that in such a case, a family's attempt to excommunicate you because you do not or will not believe what they believe interferes with God's calculation. It is not you who are in contempt of God, in this case it would be your family.

You are the owner of your life. It belongs to no one else. Be good and be happy with it. Oh, and remember not to get in your own way.

FINAL REVELATION

As I walked to work Wednesday morning, a bright yellow Beetle breezed by me blaring 80's music. As the sounds of the song Walking On Sunshine trailed off into the distance, I felt my footsteps become lighter with each step while a warm white glow began to engulf me. Enveloped by a cocoon of oceanic joy, I felt my consciousness blissfully shifting. "Stay away from the light, Caroline," I reminded myself the moment before I slipped completely away.

Now in another realm of consciousness, I could feel small, dense objects bump against and off of my skin. It felt something like sleet, though it was not cold and was not falling from the sky. Whatever it was saturated the air. When my eyes came into focus, I discovered they were little diamonds, floating to-and-fro, swaying gently as if suspended from invisible strings against a pale red sky, with breeze-kissed sand dunes as far as the eyes could see.

"Where's Lucy?" I wondered aloud. I expected to see God considering the circumstances, but God was nowhere to be seen.

I began to wander the alien desert landscape in search of God but I soon became mesmerized by the very act of walking; each step produced a ripple effect in the sand, as if I were walking on water and not slogging through sand.

Given recent events, I was not alarmed by the unfamiliar world I now found myself in. I decided to venture over the nearest dune to see if I could find anything else. From the summit of the dune I could see a dark speck on the horizon. After two hours of walking, the speck did not seem to be getting much bigger though I did sense I was closing on it. I realized then that whatever it was must not be very big. In fact, when I did reach it, the object turned out to be a tiny castle, far smaller than anything you might find on a miniature golf course, no larger than my foot. I heard noise come from inside. I got on my hands and knees to bring an ear closer, but the sound did not become much more audible. I needed to find a way inside, but how? It occurred to me that perhaps the idea of the castle was not clear enough to me yet. If I could think of the castle more vividly, perhaps it would become big enough to enter. Then, within the moment it had taken to blink my eyes, I found myself standing on the castle's open drawbridge. I invited myself in. As I walked forward on what seemed to be an untrampled rust-colored carpet, I glanced up at a fierce stone gargoyle that sat atop the entrance. Its eyes followed me until I passed beneath it.

I stopped just a few steps inside. The towering marble walls were bare. There was no floor though; the walls just went on forever. A yellow star the size of a small house hung like a disco ball from a ceiling that was nowhere in sight. Somehow, the light from the star was not blinding. Instead the room was perfectly illuminated.

Again I heard noise. At the far end of the long carpet I saw a small creature sitting with its back turned towards me, busy with something set before it. I approached. It was a winged turtle pouring batter into a waffle-maker.

"Would you like some pie?" It asked.

"Those would be waffles you're making, God," I answered.

"Pies, waffles; it's all the ratio of a circle's circumference to its diameter to me. What brings you in?" God wanted to know.

"I was on my way to work when I was involuntarily whisked away to a strange planet. You didn't bring me here?"

The winged testudine turned around to face me, offering up a chocolate-chip waffle. "I know how much you like chocolate...Actually, no, I did not summon you. You brought yourself here. Were you not just thinking of me before you got here? I believe you thought it was time to bring this little fantasy of yours full circle. So here you are."

"You did say we had one more thing to discuss," I returned.

"Jello shots," God shot back as if just remembering. "Do you use one cup of vodka or a cup and a half? And where do get those little round cups you make them in?"

"I'm sensing a theme, God," I said impatiently.

"Aw, are you wunning wate for work, Theory? Ooooh, you have a special client today you like very much. Don't worry about that; you'll make it to work on time. Okay, good humorless man, I'll get down to business then. Circularity; it's all about circularity."

"Are we talking a sort of karma, here? What goes around comes around, that kind of thing?"

"Karma is always a part of it," God said. "If you associate with unsavory people, your life will be unsavory. Associate with great people and viola! the opposite is true. You see, the karma to which you refer works so well because it's intimately linked to your universe's calculation. That's what we're talking about, Willis, the calculation that results in Pi. Theory, are you ready to sell Pi?"

"God, you realize of course you're asking one of the worst salesmen in the universe to sell the implications of an irrational number to an entire planet of morons."

God flapped his wings and flew up in my face. "If you keep calling people 'morons', you're right, they're not going to buy what you're selling," He said very seriously. "Remember that you don't have a choice. You are going to do this. Why? Because whether or not I'm real, I still said so. And remember that you are getting paid, you know, with all the riches that will come into your heart."

"I'm not sure I can do this, God. I've got a life, a family, a good job. I have doubts. What you're asking will take dedication. I'm going to take a lot of shit, and for what? I don't know if any of this is really happening!"

God extended a limb and gave me a good slap. "Pull yourself together, man. Do you think Jesus wanted to be crucified? Do you think a little Tibetan boy wanted to become the Dalai Lama and be exiled from his homeland? You have great power and with great power comes great responsibility."

God landed, folded his forelegs behind His shell and starting walking. I followed.

"Theory, I remember that your little sister once said that if you had superpowers, you would use them for evil. Guess what, you do have superpowers and some people will perceive that you are using them for evil. But what could be more important than saving the world? You're all essentially programmed for self-preservation and that programming extends to your fellow human beings."

"As you know, I support the death penalty," I replied.

"But isn't that a means by which a community at large is protected? Your species implements the death penalty poorly, that's for sure, but it's not necessarily illogical. Of course, you should be aware that your new position will be a dangerous one considering that someone will probably try to kill you in order to protect their worldview, or to protect the world from you."

"Are you saying I'll be assassinated? I'm not sure if I should be flattered or frightened."

"If you're assassinated, that may be your will. Anything can happen given infinite possibilities. With your will, you make the world," God explained. "Yes, you've heard that before. Many wise men have preceded you. Now, go be a wise man. Bring Pi to the world."

"God," I said looking down at Him, "None of this is happening. I never met you. I'm never going to meet you. You don't exist. I'm just being creative."

"And that was the 'one more thing' we needed to discuss: It doesn't matter. Nothing matters unless you want it to, thanks to Pi. You have a certain talent. You're going to use it to save the world. Even if you can't, you're going to try even if there is no 'try'."

I had been focused on our conversation and only noticed that we had stepped onto the Moon when God stopped at the end of the carpet. Set before us was the planet Earth; so quiet, so serene.

God drew a deep breath. "Try not to fuck this up...too much."

"I'm not going to see you again, am I?" I asked. "That's too bad. I imagine it gets lonely in that place of yours."

God looked up at me and smiled. He turned around and walked away from me, by Himself, and withdrew into His castle. The castle slowly vanished. I, however, remained on the Moon for hours. "Dammit," I muttered under my breath a thousand times.

Ah, under my breath. That was it. From there, I figured out how to get down.

Epilogue to the Final Revelation

In this Revelation, God finally makes it explicit that Pi is the basis for His latest and most important message. However, another theme central to this Revelation is the subject of your personal willpower.

Personal willpower, what you decide to believe about the world, creates a great deal of the truth. While most people wish to believe that the truth is what remains so even if someone else does not believe it, that view of the truth is nonsense. The truth is relative (as you'll see in the forthcoming chapter The Logical Structure of Pi).

This is another difficult theme for many people to grasp. You may not like the idea – particularly if you are of any religious persuasion – that what you believe to be true is not true for everyone. Even without the prescriptions of religion, you are likely to think that the world would be an easier place to live in if everyone thought and acted as you did. That may be so but that is simply not the world we live in. Or, maybe it is but that would make the world an incredibly boring place, free of many interesting thoughts, to say nothing of a shortage of possibilities. At any rate, you may feel that without there being a single unifying truth that underlies all reality that you are a ship adrift at sea.

I often hear that people, "need something to hold on to," something they can be sure of. Frankly, I am not sure why this is. We spend our entire lives growing, gathering more information, and making changes to all sorts of our beliefs accordingly, even if just slightly so in some instances. This is perfectly natural and even expected because of what Pi makes possible with its nearly infinite possibilities. Fortunately, human beings are highly adaptable creatures capable of change; we need to be in order to survive because truth be told, we are all adrift at sea.

Right now, the Earth is hurdling around the Sun, the Sun around the center of our galaxy, and the galaxy through open space with no particular destination in mind. Space itself is at this very moment expanding in every direction you can think of. Thus, life is about the journey, not the destination because there is no destination. But this is not cause for alarm. It is absolutely amazing! True, this perspective may only be amazing to me. It may be terrifying to you. However, we're both within our right to interpret the situation as we see fit. Let me make clear, though, that I think my perspective helps open more doors. Personal willpower is the hand that opens them.

Case in point: I was struggling to write this very epilogue, continually straying from the theme of personal willpower – um, as I may have done just a few paragraphs ago – until I became frustrated with what I believed to be Writer's Block. So I asked myself, "Do I really have Writer's Block?" For a few moments I did because I believed it. But then I used my personal willpower to believe that I did not have writer's block. Presto! I was back on track in a matter of moments. Would I have been able to do that if it were only possible that I did have Writer's Block? No; I willed myself back into action because it was possible for me not to have writer's block. If I had let my journey end in Writer's Block, you would not be reading this right now.

With Pi we can bring forth the best of ourselves. Many religions believe in rules, that you have to act a certain way in order to obtain a reward. But this is likely to reward you with nothing but internal conflict because you're not being trusted to live on your own terms. In contrast, Pi trusts you. In accepting Pi-ism, you can act as you wish and still be rewarded because you choose your own rewards and how to achieve them. Remember, for better or worse, it is your will that determines your world. Don't let the rest of the world determine the world for you.

THE LOGICAL STRUCTURE OF PI

In the previous chapter's epilogue, I stated that the truth is relative and that most people I dare say are uncomfortable with such an idea. In this chapter we will see why the truth is relative and the startling implications that follow from what I call The Pi Argument.

In order to do this, I will rely upon what philosophers call propositional logic, a form of argumentation that smug, self-professed philosophers use when they want to be jerks about 'proving' a point. In layman's terms, it involves a series of propositions (sentences) that when analyzed, prove or deny a conclusion. If you are unfamiliar with propositional logic, allow me to walk you through a few simple examples. If you are already familiar with propositional logic, please proceed to the third example.

Example 1

Premise 1 (P1) – All Ancient Greeks were philosophers.

[This isn't actually true, or perhaps it was, but for the sake of this example we are going to assume that it is true.]

Premise 2 (P2) – Socrates was an Ancient Greek.

[No one disputes this, so we will go ahead and safely assume the truth of this proposition.]

Conclusion – Socrates was a philosopher.

[Based on the truths of the first two premises, the conclusion becomes inescapable. There is simply no way, given just these two propositions, that Socrates was not a philosopher.]

Example 2

Premise 1 (P1) – All Scientologists are retards.

[Based upon what God said to me in the Third Revelation, we will assume this premise to be true. Not that you're likely to disagree anyway. What drugs are these people taking?]

Premise 2 (P2) – Tom Cruise is a Scientologist.

[No one, least of all Tom Cruise, is going to deny that he is a Scientologist. Besides, Wikipedia says so. Thus, we can likewise take this proposition to be true. ]

Conclusion – Tom Cruise is a retard.

[The logic cannot be denied. If both premises are true, then within the argument as it is structured here, Tom Cruise must be a retard. Hmm, I'm almost embarrassed to have enjoyed his role in A Few Good Men.]

Example 3

Premise 1 (P1) – Pi is 3.14

[This is Pi as it is commonly represented and accepted in mathematical formulas. So, it is true.]

Premise 2 (P2) – Pi is 3.14159...etc.

An [irrational number whose value cannot be expressed accurately as a  fraction m/n, where m and n are integers. And, its  decimal representation never ends or repeats. True.]

Premise 3 (P3) – Pi is π.

[π is the commonly used and accepted symbol for Pi. True.]

Conclusion – Pi is more than one thing at a time.

[Utterly amazing!]

The conclusion drawn here raises an interesting implication. I would like to point out that the architect of Pi is by necessity more complicated than the creation of Its own formula. Thus, if Pi can be more than one thing at a time, so can God. God can be the Christian god and The Muslim god at the same time. Taking this into account, God can exist and not exist at the same time, so you shouldn't be inclined to believe that your god is the only god there is. Similarly, God can be nature or God can be an empty mug if that's how you want to think about God. How you feel about God, the manner in which God exists, is highly dependent upon your perspective. Before saying anything more about this though, I must counter an obvious objection.

It may be tempting to think that something, anything, can only be one thing at a time; that something is what it is and nothing else. This kind of thinking was made famous by the Greek philosopher Aristotle and is actually known as The Principle of Non-Contradiction. Simply put as it applies to propositional logic, it states that contradictory statements cannot be true at the same time. If we were to examine The Pi Argument with this kind of thinking, we would be inclined to think that Pi cannot be both 3.14 and 3.14159...etc. at the same time.

I will grant that if I am trying to work out the area of a circle, I am likely to use 3.14 by itself in my calculation. In this way, Pi is indeed 3.14 and not 3.14159...etc. at the same time. However, I may be saying to myself while doing my calculation of a circle's area that Pi really is 3.14159...etc. Nor is it difficult to see in my mind's eye that Pi is 3.14 and π simultaneously, making propositions P1 and P3 true at the same time.

In the fourth chapter of Aristotle's Metaphysics, he uses the word 'man' to argue that every expression has a single meaning – in his example a man is a two-footed animal – otherwise we'd never know what another person was talking about. But it is quite easy to think that you and I may have different definitions of what a man is. Does Aristotle think an amputee is not a man because an amputee doesn't have two feet? Aristotle wasn't particularly careful about the philosophy of language any more than he bothered to test his hypotheses regarding physics. Why are people still reading this guy 2000+ years later?! Oh, that's right; he was the harbinger of Christian mythology. Anyway...

If an amputee can be a man to me and not to Aristotle, it appears the two of us have different perspectives and a man can be more than one thing at a time. Heck, if an amputee is a man to me and is not to Aristotle, then it looks like a man both exists and does not exist at the same time. Defenders of Aristotle would object here that a man can't be more than one thing at a time to you as an individual, but I have already shown that idea is false. The point I'm trying to make is that the world is does not have to be made up of either-or choices. Instead, whatever you believe, for whatever reasons, is what creates reality.

I understand that this can be a difficult concept to grasp. We generally like to think that what is true and absolute exists outside of ourselves. We generally like to think this so that there is something we can believe we have actual knowledge of. And that's the catch; we cannot have actual knowledge without believing whatever it is we believe to be true. You can't have actual knowledge of an external reality without believing that such a world is possible or otherwise makes sense. Whether you like it or whether you don't, your thoughts are inextricably linked to what you think of as reality.

If you are still unconvinced that something can be more than one thing at a time, or unconvinced that events can be truthfully interpreted from two or more perspectives, let me point toward some examples in physics to demonstrate what I'm saying is, ahem, true. First, there is the well-known dual-nature of light; it behaves as both a particle and a wave. Although light does not display both particle-like and wave-like properties at the same time, the given state of an observer creates the way in which light behaves as either a particle or a wave. This behavior is known in physics as superposition in which 'matter' such as an electron exists in all possible states until the act of trying to determine something about the electron creates a particular outcome. Until we try to determine the outcome of an event or state of an object, all possible outcomes exist simultaneously.

Second, there is Einstein's Special Relativity which, among other implications, states that the interpretation of an event may appear differently – but no less truthfully – to different observers given their frame of reference to the event. Let's suppose I am in a very, very super high speed train and you are standing on a platform waiting for my train to go by. As soon as the train passes in front of you, a bolt of lightning strikes the front of the train and another bolt strikes the back of the train. From your frame of reference, the bolts of lightning hit the train at the same time. However, to me, the front bolt hit first and the one that struck the back of the train hit second. This is because I'm traveling toward the information at the front of the train while the information at the back of the train has a further distance to travel to me because I am moving. Einstein's theory demonstrated that there is no universal time, time that is the same for everyone. If there is no universal time, we can correctly interpret an event in two (or more) unique ways.

It would be awfully presumptuous and arrogant of any human being, whether it is me or you or anyone else, to claim we have correctly interpreted something as fantastic and mind-blowing as God to God's absolute and fullest extent. And this is but one reason I don't believe God exists in the way humans have so far defined Her; once you define God, God is limited to that interpretation. I would assume that if God exists, She is above the trivialities of such lesser minds. This is not to say that your interpretation of what God is may be wrong, rather that whatever you think of as God, God goes beyond that. God is what you think and more, if God exists.

It is not necessary that you see God in this new light. It is perfectly okay to keep believing in whatever god you wish to believe in so long as those beliefs do not interfere with the lives of others. Remember, your duty as a human being, as a part of God's creation within the universe you live in, is to simply live your life so that God can calculate Pi to a finite number. In order to live your life, you are welcome to believe just about anything you want because whatever you believe is probably true (unless you're a Scientologist). However, it is very important to remember that your truth is not the only truth. Once we all realize this we can fulfill the role God designed us for, that is, if we are designed.

I think we were designed. We must have been. Don't we bear all the flaws of something designed? We wear out and break down the moment our warranty expires. As if we ever sent our warranty card back the manufacturer in the first place! Human beings? We're a design on par with the inflatable anchor. It's about time we changed that. How? Allow me to make some Suggestions...

AN INTRODUCTION TO THE SUGGESTIONS

Pi-ism is unlike any other religion. Personally, I don't like to think of it as a religion at all, but rather as a really good concept. Hence, Pi-ism doesn't have commandments or any of those hard-and-fast rules you find in most of today's boring, stuffy religion. This is because God has noticed that even the most ardent believer of any given religion doesn't follow all the codified rules of their particular belief system, instead picking and choosing what to believe as it suits them.

For instance, take the modern, conservative American's stance against homosexuality. The very idea of a man kissing a man sends revulsion through their bones. [Hypothetically, they're supposed to have the same aversion to a woman kissing a woman, but what the conservative American male won't tell you is that such a thing is okay so long as both of the women are hot.] This revulsion manifests itself in a number of ways; harassment, violence, and/or the denial of rights for homosexuals. The supposed basis for this discrimination comes from a few short lines in the Bible, some of which are open to interpretation.

On the other hand, one of the Commandments quite familiar to Jews and Christians is, "Thou shall not murder." While the Judeo-Christian god may have spoken out against homosexuality, the god of the Bible never gave a command prohibiting it. The commandments found in the Bible are not optional; they are orders directly from God. They must be followed. Yet, Jews and Christians routinely manage to find a loophole in this commandment and just about all the others, too. So why does the modern, conservative American place so much more emphasis on battling homosexuals instead of refraining from murder? We can come up with any number of explanations but such excuses will not change the fact that God's strict prohibition against murder goes unheeded. The duplicity towards God's direct orders does not go unnoticed by God in The Second Revelation.

Given the ambivalence towards God's wishes, God no longer issues orders to human beings since no one is going to follow them anyway. Instead, God is now issuing Suggestions. They are important suggestions, helpful suggestions, but not necessary suggestions; you don't have to follow them in order to live a good life or fulfill your role in God's equation. They are also meant to be thought-provoking. They are:

###### 1. Be good, be happy.  
2. The best things in life aren't things.  
3. Don't get in your own way. [Or, learn from your mistakes.]  
.14 The world is what you will.

The Suggestions are by nature not entirely clear. They are not meant to be. This is because if God gave a clear order, as we've already seen it would be ignored or re-interpreted anyway. What I am going to do though, is try and interpret them for you based upon what I know and my experiences talking to what may be a non-existent entity. It is my intention to give you a direction in which to head if you'd like to think for yourself about what The Suggestions mean, which you are entirely free to do. In Pi-ism, it's even encouraged! Of course, you could just take my word for it since I'm pretty smart.

A note of gratitude: I am especially grateful to my friend Chris Torres, a fellow Pi-anist and Pi-hD of Pi-ism. Chris provided valuable insight into The Suggestions, particularly the first and perhaps most important Suggestion, Be good, be happy. His contributions to The Suggestions will never be forgotten, certainly not after I accidently erased valuable footage of him discussing Pi-ism. I'll definitely be more careful in the future (The Third Suggestion).

BE GOOD, BE HAPPY

God says these words to me at the conclusion of our first encounter. God doesn't seem to say this for any particular reason, simply telling me that they are words I should remember. I figure that God doesn't waste words, so that God should say these words to me in our first meeting probably means that what God is saying is important. But again, God doesn't say this to me in any particular context, leaving me to figure out what the heck He was talking about. So what did God mean? In order to decipher Be good, be happy we must first analyze what is meant by the words 'good' and 'happy.'

First, let's examine 'good' in the context of this particular phrase. To be good, you must act in a way that enhances your own life – mentally, physically, and/or spiritually – in both the short and/or long run. Also, in the pursuit of goodness, you must seek to become better than the person you are at any given moment which may involve an analysis of your weaknesses and finding a way to overcome them. Naturally, what you consider a weakness someone else may consider a strength, but you need only be concerned about what you feel makes you better. Certainly, many people think they are already good enough to preach what works for them to others, but Be good, be happy is a very individual thing and one should not attempt to influence others with their beliefs unless such help is specifically asked for. Remember, no one like a busybody. Being a busybody is not good.

Please note: What we're not doing here is making any connection between the word 'good' and any of notion of morality since there are no universal moral laws. You are free to argue to the contrary, of course, but it has yet to be shown that there is a moral law common to all societies, everywhere, throughout all history. Besides, even if there were, people always seem to find a damned loophole big enough to bounce an elephant through. Sorry for the digression..

Second, what does 'happy' mean within the provided context? The emotion of happiness seems like a no-brainer. It means to be pleased or feel joy. Moreover, you could be pleased which makes you feel joy. You could also experience joy and this pleases you. Happiness is the opposite of sorrow, of guilt, of loss; happiness is a positive emotion you are likely to want to experience as often as possible.

But we must be mindful not to take the happiness we are in pursuit of here out of the overall context of Pi-ism. Just as in the case of being a busybody, your happiness should not come at the expense of the unhappiness of others. Again, happiness is a positive emotion that hopefully begets only more happiness but we should not expect this to always be the case. As with our individual attempts to be good, not everything that makes one person happy will make someone else happy. Naturally, it is impossible to please everyone all of the time but it is possible to please yourself as much as you want. I know I did just this morning.

If all this sounds too technical, perhaps I can make things more clear with a personal example. I'm sitting in a bar and in walks a rabbi, a priest, and an imam. I'm just kidding. Actually, my story goes something like this...

When I was very young, perhaps eight or so, I remember sitting in church – I was raised a Roman Catholic – listening to a Christmas sermon. I wasn't remotely interested. Being a young boy, I was perhaps still caught up in my 'dinosaur phase.' Bored, I began thumbing through the Bible looking for the giant reptiles. Since I'd been taught that the Bible was the entire recorded history of life on Earth, I figured they would be worth at least a mention given the fact that they (supposedly) dominated the planet for at least 160 million years. But I could not find them anywhere in the Bible.

This seemed curious to me and so I asked my step-father why there were no dinosaurs in the Bible. Of course he didn't know. Worse, it occurred to me that he had never even thought about it. Over the years I brought up this question again and again to anyone whom I trusted not to punch me for asking it.

Finally, in my 20's, a close friend of mine answered me that there were no dinosaurs in the Bible because their existence simply wasn't relevant to our lives. His position seemed to be that any knowledge of dinosaurs had no bearing on humanity's current existence. For a good five minutes I believed this to be a satisfactory answer. Given the limits of human knowledge, however, every good answer seems to raise more questions. For example, if the dinosaurs were irrelevant, wouldn't it be a moot point to study them? Whether or not the dinosaurs were killed off by God, an asteroid, or an asteroid sent by God, don't we owe our existence to the demise of the dinosaurs? And then wouldn't it be a good idea to start watching out for asteroids that might strike the Earth today? If God created dinosaurs, which the Biblical god must have done if the Bible is to have any merit as a historical record (leaving the question of the dinosaurs' relevancy aside), who is to say that the Biblical god might not off humanity with an asteroid one day? After all, didn't He flood the entire planet once? Trust me; I can do this all day.

My point has nothing to do with dinosaurs and the Bible, though. My point is that over the years I found something I was good at – asking questions. And, over the years I sought to become even better at it. While some people, perhaps even yourself, might think that ignorance is bliss or that asking too many questions can only lead to insanity, you might be half right; only time will tell. But ignorance is not bliss, not as far as I'm concerned. Perhaps it is due to curiosity and the explorer inherent in me, but asking questions makes me quite happy. Knowing that, it is only natural that I should seek to become better at asking questions. In this way I am being good – becoming better than average at a particular something – which increases my happiness. I am good, which makes me happy.

Being particularly good at asking questions can be tricky business, however. It does seem to annoy a lot of people, particularly people who are inclined to believe any given question can actually be answered. It seems then that I might be in danger of interfering with other people's lives which goes against the guidelines of Pi-ism. This is not true, though. I might merely ask a question like the one in my example, having no malicious intent in asking it. While you may become annoyed by the question – perhaps you are an honest God-fearing person – you have to choose to be annoyed by the question I am asking. You do have the option of not being annoyed. You might just want to roll your eyes instead. But in the case my question makes you question your beliefs, perhaps your beliefs weren't very strong to begin with and it is perfectly fine then to re-evaluate them. Either way, I'm not really interfering with your life. Either way, for better or worse, you're interfering in your own life if you become upset by my question.

Obviously, being so inquisitive does not come naturally to everyone, nor would some people want to be so inquisitive. Actually, you're better off not asking so many questions if you're at all interested in having lots of friends; that's another thing you can take my word for. What I do works for me, it makes me happy, and I would not expect the same results from another person whose upbringing and circumstances in life are completely different from mine. Thus, you must discover for yourself what Be good, be happy means. If perhaps you are still uncertain where to begin, I hope the next chapter will help.

TIPS ON HOW TO BE GOOD

It is within the realm of possibility that the personal example I used in the previous chapter offered no help whatsoever to define what Be good, be happy means to you. What follows are some tips I've discovered on how to be good which if practiced seem to lead to more happiness. These are tips I have come by through experience and research which I hope are useful to you as well.

Take Charge of Your Life There's an old adage that says nothing worthwhile is easy. For the most part, I agree with that sentiment. It's easy to fall into bad routines such as overeating and avoiding exercise, or acknowledging a weakness and then doing nothing to overcome it. That's what the average person does and certainly you wouldn't want to consider yourself average, would you? The average person is content with mediocrity. Pi-anists seek to better themselves. This usually takes planning and identifying goals, which takes work. For example, perhaps you are overweight and want to be healthier. You have to ask yourself why you want to be healthier; what rewards come with being healthy? Then you can ask yourself what will help you reach the goals you set. That is you taking charge of your life. You can certainly let other people influence you for better or for worse, but it is you who has to open the door for those people. You are responsible for your own success or failure. While other people may stand in your way of you getting what you want, trying itself is its own measure of success because really, anyone can succeed at not trying at all, e.g. Paris Hilton.

Consider The Big Picture...For You While you may want to change your life for the better – or at least what you consider to be better – you will no doubt come across a critic or two. Let's take the example of an overweight wife who has a husband and two children. Before she was even overweight, her husband was controlling and verbally abusive, which caused her to be depressed. One day, for reasons only she knows, she decides to become fit. But she must consider The Big Picture: How will this affect her life and her family? There's no guarantee that her husband will be any nicer to her; what if by becoming more attractive she gains the attention of nicer men? It is possible her goal to lose weight could result in divorce. How will this impact her children? While there is much to be said in favor of our duty to others, in Pi-ism, your primary duty is to yourself. This is because you cannot expect to have a positive effect on other people without being a positive force yourself. Everyone's life is their own. While a divorce might be harmful to the woman's children, that might be only in the short run. Without knowing for certain what effects particular actions will have, you have to abide by what will make you good, and thus, happy.

Seek Balance In your effort to improve yourself, it is possible to go to such extremes that you are not much better off than before you tried to change. Let's take the afore mentioned woman who has taken her fitness regime to such an extreme that she is overtraining and damaging her body beyond repair. She devotes so much time to her fitness routine that she has no time for her children before she must get to bed and rest up for her next day of training. This is actually okay if this is what makes the woman happy; no one but her has the authority to insist she's wrong. [We may know what is right for ourselves, but sometimes what is right for ourselves is not right for someone else.] But if there is any doubt in the woman's mind about how her fitness routine is affecting her children's life, she must consider that and find a way to strike a balance between those two aspects of her life.

Find A Role Model This is a tried and true method. Try to mimic the behavior of the people you consider successful. Every successful person did something beyond what they are known for to achieve success. A successful writer may be known for a great novel but what may not be known is that they continued to try and publish their work after being rejected many, many times. Likewise, many people who are leaders in their respective fields are not naturally talented but have studied and worked hard to get where they are. Good people find a way to achieve their goals despite obstacles and naysayers. This doesn't mean that role models are without faults of their own. What you should do by finding a role model is find out what made them successful and consider applying those techniques to your own life. Remember that you are your own person; you're not trying to be the role model you've chosen. With that in mind, what worked for your role model may not work for you, but with persistence you will find something that does. Persistence goes a long way and it is a characteristic shared by almost all successful people.

Be Good For Goodness Sake This is a theme central to Pi-ism which is why it is worth repeating. As we are all variables in God's calculation of Pi, we need to be the best variables we can be. You cannot count on others to make you or your circumstances in life better. In Pi-ism, you are responsible for you. You are not your brother's keeper and you are not responsible for the actions of others. Nor are you responsible for the actions of those who came before you nor should you be. If anything, your responsibility to yourself is your responsibility to others. Moreover, being an example of responsibility and success turns you into a role model for others. In this way, being good radiates outwards. The more people that assume personal responsibility and make their own lives better, the less worried we are what other people will do. The more people see that they are free to choose their own path, the less likely they are to constrain others. Being the best you can be can only affect the world positively. Since the world is yours, the effort is worth it.

Consider The Other Suggestions Be good, be happy is only The First Suggestion. It would be difficult for any of us to be good and be happy without the aid of the other Suggestions. From here we will delve deeper into the meanings of those other Suggestions and hopefully apply them to our own lives so that we can be good, which will make us happy.

THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE ARE NOT THINGS

I grew up in the '80's and I'll never forget Madonna singing, "We are living in a material world and I am a material girl." She may not have known it then, but she was making a point not merely about the Decade of Decadence, but about the way we are still living today.

Certainly those of us living in Western industrialized nations are familiar with what seems to be a need to acquire material wealth. The nature of capitalism has done much to drive this perception; as an economic system it only works so long as people keep buying things. I'm not saying whether capitalism is right or wrong here, merely that it is a part of the culture many of us live in.

There is a saying that goes something like, "The person who dies with the most toys wins," meaning that the person who accumulates the most material wealth or the most non-essential things before they die should be considered a winner. Really? To whom? Such a saying is meaningful only to people who live in a similar fashion. But the saying further highlights the perception that the ownership of things is important, as if it were the individual things that were important and not how the person feels about owning things.

When we are trying to "keep up with the Joneses," what are we really trying to accomplish? Why keep up with the Joneses at all? Perhaps the reasons are evolutionary; your odds of survival are increased by having more resources. This appears to be why we tend to seek higher and higher status among our peers or try to leave our peers behind altogether in the pursuit of richer friends. Presumably, a higher status opens the door to more resources thereby increasing your odds of survival. That's all well and good but when you place the accumulation of things ahead of all else, it drives a wedge between you and your experiences. Owning the thing itself becomes important when it's how a thing makes you feel that is central. The difference is subtle but important.

What is the difference? When you own something or are in the presence of worldly things, those things just sit there. They don't do anything. Whatever reasons we have for considering any thing important lies within ourselves.

Suppose you are surrounded by gold bars and they are yours is you want them. Our first instinct is to probably take them; they're valuable! Only, they're not, not really. We assign a value to gold largely due to the fact that other people regard gold as valuable without knowing why they think it is valuable. We tend to think of gold as precious because of its versatility and appeal as jewelry. Maybe it is precious also because of its chemical properties; it's non-corrosive and an excellent conductor. On the other hand, if you were the last person on Earth, a whole bunch of gold would probably not be very high on your list of essential items. Maybe you don't even like the way gold looks and you actually prefer silver. If you do prefer silver, who cares about gold bars?

Obviously then, the gold bars themselves are not important. It is how we experience such things that is important. But, if you find yourself grabbing gold bars merely for the sake of having gold bars, you'll have no further experiences with the gold that are of any good consequence. The bad consequences of having gold bars on hand for the sake of having gold bars is that you have to worry about holding on to the gold bars for its own sake. Frankly, that seems a little retarded.

Experiences are what matter. After all, that's all your life is, a collection of experiences. In the case of the gold bars, you should be asking yourself before you ever decide to take the gold bars is how you are going to experience the gold bars: How are the gold bars going to impact your life in a positive way? And we ask ourselves for what the positive impact would be because we're trying to make our lives better, or even richer, if you'll forgive the pun. [Notice that we must ask ourselves for the positive impact of the decision; surely if we thought an overall negative impact on us would be the result of our action, we wouldn't take the gold bars.] If our lives do become better as a result of the experiences we gain from interacting with the gold, this is in accordance with Pi-ism. Remember, we are trying to be the best little variables we can be in order to help God solve Pi.

As variables in God's equation, remember that we are all 'things.' While each individual thing is important as a variable, a single variable all on its own is quite useless. The interaction between things is necessary to live our lives, which in turn helps calculate Pi. In fact, without experiences – which cannot be had without the sensation of other things – you might as well not exist. You might as well have as many experiences as you can then.

The pursuit of experiences is integral to our responsibility to ourselves. And, our responsibility to ourselves is our responsibility to others (déjà vu). The pursuit of things, however, will not make you happy. Studies too numerous to mention have shown that people who possess great riches are no more happy than their less affluent counterparts. Rather, gaining a certain perspective that comes from your experiences is what leads towards happiness. Be sure then to take care of yourself to that end. From there, everything else will fall naturally into its rightful place.

LEARN FROM YOUR MISTAKES

When I was in my early 30's, I met a young woman ten years my junior. She was positively beautiful. Her perfect smile, athletic body, stylish black hair; that was only half the story. Her voice made me shiver and her fresh,clean scent with just a hint of orange to it drove me over the top. I was absolutely enthralled.

Then the news reports came in – she had this effect on men and knew it and was happy to have the attention. She did nothing to dissuade a man's interest in her even if she had no interest in him, and she was indifferent to the hurt this could cause. "Try to get that girl," I was warned, "and she will break your heart into a million itty-bitty pieces."

The people who tried to tell me this were friends and reliable sources, meaning they were people whose opinions I generally trusted. Oh, but I didn't listen to them. My emotions had blinded me and reason was not something to be found in my thoughts concerning her. Despite the warning signs and red flags, I pursued her anyway.

Needless to say, she broke my heart into millions of itty-bitty pieces as she placed her felon ex-boyfriend, not to mention his loser brother, ahead of me. When I did finally come to the realization that she would never be mine, I was furious not with her but with myself. I was angry at myself that I had let someone have so much control over me. Not getting the girl was bad enough. Disappointing yourself on top of that is even worse. Being of the general opinion that I was a good person and didn't deserve such disrespect – from another person or myself – I vowed to never let anything so stupid happen to me again.

I am proud to say I have held myself to that deal. I do not let others control the way I feel without my express, conscious consent. I have become attuned to knowing when I am at risk of my emotions running rampant so that if it begins to happen, I take a deep breath or simply pause for a few moments. I then stare at the person trying to manipulate me – typically a salesman – and let them wonder where my mind is at. That puts the ball back in my court.

In a way then, I am thankful for my encounter with that evil young woman. I have since learned not to let others manipulate my emotions and I have learned to listen to my friends because sometimes, the perspective from the outside-in is much clearer.

Few of us would care to dismiss the importance of learning from our mistakes unless you're a) a jerk or b) an idiot. It's virtually instinctual, becoming something innate from the moment we all realized that being a nice, quiet little baby didn't lead to the attention we deserved, damn it. We all learned the hard way; you've got to cry like the cauliflower your mother is trying to feed you is the absolutely worst friggin' thing ever – which it is – to get any attention in this world. As adults, we might outgrow such antics (hopefully), but all too often we outgrow learning from our mistakes as well. That is something of a paradox since most of us I dare say desire to be better than we are even in those times we lack motivation. Becoming a better person really isn't that hard so long as you refrain from doing the same stupid things over and over again.

As you know by now, the purpose of our lives is to be the best variables in God's equation we can be. We do this by fulfilling whatever destiny we see fit to bestow upon ourselves. But this cannot be accomplished by repeating our stupid mistakes and getting caught in the same old bear traps. Did I want to keep falling for emotionally unavailable women? No, I recognized that I was being stupid so I made a decision not to let it happen anymore. While you may disagree and think you have no control over who you fall in love with, I would say that such an attitude is exactly what holds people back from their full potential, that is, letting your life be guided by whichever way the wind decides to blow that day. While nature may be red in tooth and claw, as Alfred Lord Tennyson put it, you have more control over the forces of the universe than you might think. That is because you are one of those forces of nature.

Some forces of nature are clearly more powerful than others. In order to be a powerful force of nature, you will need to do something that doesn't come naturally to us in the West's egocentric culture – admit that you make mistakes. In the West though, the admission of a mistake is often seen as a failure, that you are a failure, and we should feel guilty about it. While you could choose to look at it that way, looking at mistakes as an opportunity to learn is more proactive, not to mention it saves you a lot of time. Whether you think of yourself as a failure or a learner, you devote a good chunk of your life trying to affirm how you see yourself. Now, would you rather spend time in your own personal hell, listening to Justin Bieber for instance, or analyzing what went wrong when you decided to purchase his music so that it never, ever happens again?

Granted, some mistakes in life cannot be avoided. Without being able to predict the future, there's no telling what consequences may come with a job opportunity you might consider taking. It may sound like a great offer at first, but the work may be too demanding or stressful, or you may not like you new co-workers. But if you're unhappy with your love life, it's worth examining whether or not you keep dating the same kind of person. Obviously, if you keep dating the same kind of person and those relationships keep ending in a fiery train wreck and this bothers you, you should come to expect similar results from dating similar people. While the future is not completely predictable, some situations are more predicable than others and we should hold ourselves accountable in those situations in which we should know better. Sure, other people might hold us accountable for certain situations, but that is mostly irrelevant as the power to change lies solely within ourselves.

Sometimes it is hard to see the forest for the trees, especially when many of us consider ourselves expert loggers. If you suspect you maybe, possibly, inexplicably made a mistake, it's worth asking others for their opinion even if just for the chance that there will be one person who has made a mistake similar to yours and can give you some perspective. While everyone may be a unique human being, it's a pretty safe bet that someone, somewhere has made a mistake similar to yours (assuming you've made one which, as we all know, is unlikely).

Without an ability to admit and learn from mistakes, you are inviting disaster upon yourself. No amount of denial can make up for the fact that you have something to deny. So, instead of conceding the Western mindset and letting people designate you as a failure for the mistakes you might make (which thereby might make you feel like a failure), tell them that it's not that you make mistakes, rather you're really interested in situations you can learn from.

What follows is a Learning From Your Mistakes checklist, adapted from Scott Berkum's 2005 blog, "How to Learn From Your Mistakes."

* Accept that you make mistakes. Everyone has made at least one mistake in their life, thinking life was going to be any better outside of the womb.

* Don't think because you make mistakes that you are a mistake, no matter how many times your parents tell you that.

* You can't change a mistake, but you can choose how you respond to one. You can either gun down your afore mentioned parents or respond, "I'm rubber and you're glue." Insulting them is the better option here.

* Try to understand why the mistake happened; what factors lead you towards doing the same stupid thing again and again, especially when you do know you're doing something stupid?

* Are there alternatives you should have considered but did not because being stupid is something you're comfortable with? What makes you comfortable with being stupid? Do you think being stupid is something good? (If you do, you are stupid.)

* What changes would stop you from doing something stupid, like date someone who is clearly evil? What would you do differently if you ran into a similar person and found yourself attracted to them? How can you avoid running into these people?

* Did you really make a mistake or was it really an opportunity to learn something valuable? Perspective; always put things into perspective! If you don't, your nighttime dreams will do it for you.

THE IMPORTANCE OF DREAMS

"Dreams are real while they last. Can we say more of life?" – Henry Havelock Ellis

Many religions regard dreams as terribly relevant, probably due to what seems to be their mystical nature. More than a few times, there have been claims of deities and angels speaking to people through dreams. Strangely, whenever someone says God talked to them in a dream, they never regard the incident as it having only been a dream. Certainly, some dreams are more powerful than others. Some dreams are so powerful as to appear to be reality itself. This is why some people have insisted God has spoken to them.

Given my own experiences and what I understand dreams to really be, I am not going to say that all such people are crazy. I am one such person with whom either God has spoken to in dreams or they weren't dreams at all. Maybe it was a little of both; it could be that our conversations were during dreams though God really did speak to me, in which case God appears to choose communicating in a rather odd fashion, knowing the inherent difficulty I would have trying to figure out if I were dreaming. Apparently, God likes to test my sanity. After all, why would God waste time talking to an atheist and then explicitly not convert said atheist? God can be a little weird, I suppose, but then so can dreams. I guess the two go hand-in-hand then. Alas, it gets stranger.

In order to state the manner in which dreams are important within the framework of Pi-ism, it is necessary to clarify which dreams I am referring to. Obviously, I am not referring to dreams in the sense of the goals we would like to achieve in life. I am referring to dreams in the sense of those episodes we live through or view in our minds when we're asleep. Such dreams, if denied to us by either a lack of sleep or other disorder, appear to drive people insane, literally. But even so, that is not the context in which I am stating that dreams are important.

The importance of dreams is intimately linked to The Third Suggestion, Learn From Your Mistakes. As it happens, there are times when our dreams are like windows in which we can view and feel what our lives are like in other universes/realities. Fact is, our consciousness (or souls or spirits, if you prefer) extends far beyond our little universe and our fragile bodies. They extend across a multitude of universes as infinitely as there are decimal places in the calculation of Pi.

Although they sometimes appear very strange, the episodes we live in our minds when we sleep aren't really strange at all, at least not in the universe in which they take place. Remember, Pi makes darn near everything possible and Pi is but a small part of God's ultimate calculations. Thus, there are infinite possibilities manifested in countless universes calculating countless formulas and our consciousness extends through many of those universes. (Not all, though. You do not exist in all universes, as some universes include the possibility that you do not exist!) If it is the case that dreams are in fact our lives in other worlds, dreams become important for what they can teach us.

Life is obviously better for us in some universes rather than others. However, whether you catch a glimpse of your life for better or worse, both instances can be learned from. Even though we tend to learn from doing the wrong thing and because of that – negative dreams are perhaps more relevant as a learning tool – let's begin by focusing on what positive dreams can teach us.

First, a small disclaimer: Since I cannot draw upon the dream experiences of others, I can only speak for myself and what I learn from my dreams. You are not likely to have very similar experiences, but the point I'm going to make should become clear nonetheless.

I often find in my dreams that I am having wild sex with any number of women. Sometimes it is my fiancé, sometimes it is an ex-girlfriend, sometimes it is someone I do not know, etc. Now, this is not to say that I am promiscuous in other worlds or that I wish to be in this world; I'm just having glimpses of another life somewhere. The point is that I'm having sex, one of my favorite pastimes. (Yours, too, I'm sure; I'll make that confession for all of us.) While I may have been dreaming about sex all my life, I definitely wasn't having sex all my life, particularly when I was a nerd.

Naturally, when I was a nerd, I dreamt about sex much more often. How could I be having so much sex in my dreams if I was a nerd? I didn't; those versions of me who were cool enough to find someone to have sex with weren't nerds. I was not a nerd in some other world. "Okay," I figured, "I may be a nerd now, but in another reality I am not a nerd. What are those versions of me doing that is leading to sex?" Upon waking up from those dreams, it became more and more evident what I had to do – either I had to make a lot more money or relax, get some new clothes and learn to play a guitar. Being that it takes at least 12 years to become a doctor, I opted for choice B. And you know what? It actually worked!

There are less positive dreams, to be sure. I seem to dream a lot about aliens and I'm not talking about the ones that cross America's borders and keep labor costs down. I'm talking about the ones who come to Earth from outer space whose intentions are always far from peaceful. In every dream, they either want to eat us, take over our planet for its resources, or just kill every living thing for sport. What's to learn from these dreams? Any aliens that come to Earth are not going to be friendly. While you might disagree and think I've seen too many sci-fi movies and television shows, that any life-form not of this Earth would probably friendly...trust me, they would not be. [Having made our universe, God didn't intend for things to turn out this way. It's just that, well, shit happens. And you're right; according to the principles of Pi, they should not kill us.]

Undoubtedly, there lies the potential for there to be sentient life in our universe who are but a cosmic stone's throw away from us, so we should be prepared. We can be prepared by arming ourselves with more powerful weapons such as nuclear missiles capable of deep space flight and trying to figure out how to make cloaking devices. A food replicator would be nice, too. Moreover, seeing how aliens pose a threat to all of humanity, it's best we make friends with each and every one of each other; I want to be able to count on Bin Laden's help should aliens (or people from New Jersey) try to take over the world. Sure, Osama Bin Laden is an asshole, but he's an asshole we're going to need if there's an invasion.

Having spoken about my own dream experiences, perhaps you find you cannot relate to these examples, in which case you're probably a woman. If so, let me recant a dream a friend of mine had, whom we'll call Christie. In her 20's, Christie had a four year long affair with a married man. Near the end of the affair, Christie had a dream in which the man she was seeing stabbed her in the back, literally. The dream made her come to terms with the reality she actually lived; the man was never going to leave his wife despite years of him claiming otherwise. Fortunately for Christie the stabbing did not actually happen to her in our world. Unfortunately, it did happen to her in another world. Since there's nothing worse than living out a clichéd figure-of-speech, Christie ended the relationship in the world in which I now know her.

We have a tendency to forget our dreams when we wake up. It seems that when we wake up, we think, "Phew! Good thing that didn't actually happen!" (Similarly, in the case of my sex dreams during those periods in my life I wasn't having any sex, I sometimes thought, "Damn, that didn't actually happen?") This also has to do with the fact that not all dreams are windows from which we can see and feel our other lives. Sometimes a dream is just a dream and a cigar is just a cigar. The difference is subtle and if you can't tell which is which, you are not yet ready to learn. When you are ready, the information you need to improve your life is right there. You just have to want to access it.

Do yourself a favor and keep a notebook and pen by the bed so that you can scribble down the crazy things that happen to you in your dreams. Only, they're not really crazy. Those things actually do happen to you even if it really were only in your dreams. Just don't tell too many people about them. You might come across some bozo who thinks they can interpret dreams. No, it's your job to interpret your dreams. Don't worry, you won't be working for free.

WHAT YOU WILL IS THE WORLD

If you're anything like a lot of people – and who isn't? – almost all of us have two eyes, ears, noses, a general aversion towards responsibility, etc. That said, you've probably searched for answers to the most fundamental questions of our existence. You may have searched for those answers in religious or philosophical texts, and that is perhaps the reason why you're reading this. (Either that, or you're a family member of mine and what do families do but make sacrifices for one another?) Searching, searching, searching, always searching for just the right perspective that will help us understand the world and our place in it.

If you've read this far, you now know the 'why' of our existence; to act as variables in God's calculation of Pi. Understandably, when we have such answers, that doesn't much help get us through the day, which is why your personal perspective and application of your will to the world is so important. How you feel within and how you're inclined to view things directly impacts your interpretation of reality. This can be a good thing or this can be a bad thing.

For example, if there's an interesting point to be taken away from the philosophy of Buddhism, it's the idea that life is suffering. Few people have generally happy attitudes towards life because this often enough seems to be the case, so most of us spend a lot of time trying to avoid what suffering we can. If we're inclined to be affected by the way life is set up if we believe this, it tends to give us a negative mental impression. It's an obstacle for us to overcome. But, we can overcome it because we have a built-in safety mechanism – everyone has it within their power to change their perspective toward what seems to be our lives predisposed towards suffering and watching Jersey Shore.

This ability to change our perspectives may be built-in but it is not automatic. Much of what has gone on in our lives up to any given point makes us more or less likely to change our thinking habits. If you've had a run of bad luck without thinking how you might make things better for yourself, you're going to have a reinforced opinion of life that is probably negative. Like any problem, it becomes more difficult to dislodge such an outlook if it is chronic. Even so, if you're in a bad way, you probably don't want to stay that way. So, it will require you do something that you weren't doing before, namely, making things better for yourself. And, you can't do that by continuing to do the same things that led you to be unhappy in the first place.

That much seems obvious enough. Sometimes though, we have to hear the obvious in order to remember the obvious. Life doesn't have to be misery and suffering because you can change your attitude if you want to badly enough, thus, altering your life. Certainly, changing an attitude that's been a part of you for a long time can be challenging, so I encourage you to start small in that case. Here, I can once again speak from experience, an experience I had just yesterday.

My fiancé and I were hosting a karaoke party last night (Yes, karaoke; the thought might make you cringe, but your perspective is not relevant to me in this situation) and I am admittedly a shy musical performer. Being something of a musician at times, having been around other musicians, I do not regard myself as a very good singer. Frankly, I suck, and didn't feel as though inflicting my horrid voice upon the world was called for. Meanwhile, many of the people who came to the party had no trouble getting up to sing, their terrible voices be damned.

I started to think, Hey, compared to them, I'm really not so bad and they're also having fun. Does it really matter that I'm not a great singer? No, it didn't matter. What really mattered was how self-satisfying it was to belt out my favorite song, ahem, without being the worst singer in the room. It's not like anyone is going to care a hundred years from now that I butchered a Michael Jackson song, anyway.

Since last night, I've re-evaluated my position on karaoke. Whereas I used to deride the activity as something that should only be attempted by an adequate singer, I've come to learn it's really not about the singing itself, but about having fun and paying homage to a song you love. It reminds me of the words of Coutney Love, of all people, "It's not about hitting the note. It's about trying to hit the note." Looking at karaoke from this new perspective alleviates the negativity I've had towards this activity to the point where I can now partake in it and even have fun doing it. Which is the better situation for me; the stress brought on by my negative feelings toward karaoke or not giving a damn since the only thing I'm really hurting by singing and recording karaoke are my chances of ever being a politician?

You may still be against the idea of karaoke, which is fine; it's your life. But what might have more of an impact on your life is a morbid fear of spiders. Let's assume you're a girly-girl. Chances are, one teeny little spider will send you screeching into the next room. Why? You're a thousand times bigger and stronger than the spider. Worst case scenario, assuming that you're not up against a tarantula, black widow, or wolf-spider, any bite a spider can give you is no worse than having your legs waxed. You might also want to consider that in some cultures, a spider in the house is a sign of good luck. Heck, consider Spider-Man for a moment; SPIDER-Man, and everyone loves Spider-Man.

If you see a spider, just throw a glass over it and take it outside. If you're nervous, try looking at it from the spider's perspective; would you want to be snuffed out of existence by a shoe? Talk about an indignant way to go. You may not be convinced that spiders are your friends (even though they kill flies and mosquitoes, but whatever) but I encourage you to at least try not freaking out the next time you see one, or try freaking out less and less every time you see one. You'll be surprised how much control you have over your mind.

Reality is yours for the making. You're going to 'make' the world, that is, see and understand the world through the prism of all the information and experiences you've had in your life, so the more you have to work with the better.

Critics who do not believe we make the world with our own will believe that on a fundamental level we simply create our views based upon that which I just mentioned – our information and experiences – but there exists some 'true' reality external to us where we get our information and experiences. Such critics believe that when we choose to look at the world in the manner of our own choosing, this somehow constitutes a 'fake' reality. This criticism is quite absurd, because you are an integral part of any external reality, a reality which does not exist without you. Even if there were some parts of reality that existed apart from you, that reality in its entirety would still be as dependent upon you as you are on it for existence. Thus, I stand by the assertion that what we will is the world and there really is no such thing as a fake reality. Besides, how would the critics know? Their reality is fake.

On the other hand, not everything is under our control, or at least it seems that way (to me). I can't choose to jump to the moon. Or maybe I can but I don't have the willpower necessary to actually do it. Maybe having been taught all my life that I can't jump to the moon has made me believe it to the point where it's near impossible to change. Ah, but I can choose to believe I've jumped to the moon and who is anyone else to say? Everyone else who just happens to be on the moon with me after I've made my incredible leap? How do they know they're not on the moon with me?

It's not important to keep asking yourself these kinds of questions. What is important to keep in mind is not to let anyone else dictate reality for you. You are the captain of your own ship. Carry on, my wayward son. There'll be peace when you are done.

FREE WILL BURNING

Until now, I've talked about choices, how we can find the power to control our lives and find happiness with the help Pi. For those of you who have paid any attention whatsoever, you'll recall that God says in my first encounter with Him – assuming God exists – that free will does not exist. Before we are able to reconcile the fact that there is no free will with the power to control our own destiny, let's examine why God says there is no free will.

I think it is safe to generalize that most of us believe that we have free will; such a belief would mean that you are in control of your life. Others of us have a more romantic sense of fate; that when something happens – always something positive, golly gee! – it is your destiny...while somehow everything else in your life was or still is a choice.

These are silly views: If we really were in control of their own lives, who among us actually wields that power? I know my ability to avoid eating chocolate is eliminated in the presence of chocolate. The second view is an attempt to have it both ways. Although it would seem that you could have it both ways given the nature of Pi, God doesn't lie...I think. Hmm, actually, the nature of Pi would allow for a reality in which God is a liar. Why, then, would God tell me there is no free will? Am I just trying to prop up my own beliefs? What do I believe?

Many theists, and Evangelicals in particular, are big supporters of free will, um, so long as you choose to follow their particular religion. The Judeo-Christian-Muslim likes to believe in free will in order to make their ideas about good and evil work, which is needed to suppose that A) God is good and B) life is a test to get into heaven. We also consider that the freedom to choose our lives for better or worse, that God has supposedly given us, is an attempt by theists to shift the responsibility for evil to anyone but God, whom we should note is the creator of all things. Without our free will (thereby making us responsible for our actions), God would appear to be a rather vicious attendant of the universe given just how much poop keeps hitting the fan. But I dare say that even most atheists and agnostics also believe in free will. They likewise believe this in order to hold themselves and others accountable for their actions. Whether someone is a theist, atheist, or agnostic, maybe we need to feel that we are (at least to some degree) our own masters. We are, but not in the manner that you're likely to think.

I hold what is a minority viewpoint, that free will is an illusion. To be honest, when I first realized this was the case I didn't love the idea, I guess because I foolishly want to believe that many of the ridiculous things that happen in the world are preventable. Yet to say that free will is nothing of the sort seems accurate. That's because of a rather unknown concept known as 'causality.'

In our universe, everything that happens leads to another something happening. What I'm trying to say is that nothing happens without a cause. There is no event that happens without a preceding cause and it cannot be shown beyond the shadow of a doubt that this is not the case (I'll get to quantum uncertainty later). With this in mind, we are forced to conclude that in one form or another, the universe has always existed. If the First Law of Thermodynamics is true, that matter can neither be created nor destroyed, an eternal universe seems likely. Causality is at the heart of our existence, for without it we would not exist.

Like it or not, every moment of your life has brought you to exactly where you are now, not because you made free choices but because of factors you are not normally aware of. When we make a 'decision' we are doing so based upon what we know and have experienced, what is happening at the moment, and what we want for our future. Without cause and effect, we would never know or have experienced anything, or have a future. In a way, causality and time might be considered euphemisms for each other.

When we decide something, practicality usually dictates that this happen very quickly. On the other hand, if we are in a position to think about things for a while, we might consider more factors and perhaps make a decision that is more likely to benefit ourselves. However, since no one can know everything, Murphy's Law is always and unfortunately in effect. [Murphy's Law states that anything that can go wrong will go wrong. Usually the same day taxes are due.] Although we are not always in need of knowing everything to make a decision, the causal connections between objects and people, objects and objects, and people and people influence any given person's actions. I might decide to have a tumor removed and that might be the best decision I could make at the time, but what about what I don't know, that the doctor I've chosen is a quack? It could be the one factor I wasn't aware of that's going to hurt me. Hypothetically, I could have chosen not to have the surgery, but all things I considered at the moment and with all the knowledge I had, I could not have chosen not to be operated on by Dr. Frankenfraud. If I'd known his reputation, of course I would have 'chosen' not to request his services. But it wasn't a decision, in the literal sense, at all.

Not convinced? Here's another example. If we drop a glass of milk, we know it will hit the floor. What we know to be true in this case is only because we are aware of gravity – a natural law that is immutable – even if the minute details of the event remain hidden. Though we do not know exactly when the glass will hit the floor, how much milk will spill, if the glass will break, etc., we can have a limited amount of foreknowledge and make certain predictions because of cause and effect. Any truly free event could not be foretold or remotely predicted. So much for reconciling free will and prophecies...

To quickly recap, the fact that free will does not exist is evident, but it's hard for us to understand because the factors that influence behavior are usually taken into account so quickly that when we make a choice, the casual connections between influences are often not readily apparent. For example, we usually do not consciously take into account our past when making decisions, but our past, our experiences, do influence our choices. This is simply undeniable.

A common theistic objection to what is called Determinism is Duality, the belief in a mind/body-split that would have us believe that our decisions are not even made in our physical universe. This is an utterly false and untenable point of view. If there were really a mind/body-split, then nutrition (or lack thereof) or mood altering drugs would have no influence on our behavior. There's no simpler way to dispel this objection.

A more important objection to Determinism comes in the form of quantum uncertainty. You see, physicists claim to have discovered free events at the quantum level, or at least events for which they cannot detect a cause. These events include the spontaneous radioactive decay of atoms, particles that appear to be in two places at once, and the dual nature of light (explained previously, it can behave as either a particle or as a wave, depending upon the observer). Physicists maintain that quantum uncertainty is certainly the way things are because during identical experiments, the outcomes are always a matter of probability; they never get the same results all the time. Philosophers and theologians alike have taken this to mean that free will is then somehow likely to exist. However, these alleged uncertainties only hold that events are free in the quantum world. Cause and effect always reveal the same results in the macro world you and I live in (despite our macro world being predicated upon quantum mechanics). However, I object to quantum uncertainty on two grounds: That these experiments are never literally identical, as the Earth hurls through space it never occupies the same place and this X-factor is impossible to account for, and because it is true that scientists have not yet invented all of the methods for observing and revealing how everything works.

At this point, some of you might be thinking, "If there is no free will then people shouldn't be punished or honored for the things they do because they could not have done anything different." This is the most vigorous and main objection to Determinism and it's an understandable position. But, it's wrong.

People should still be held accountable for their actions because it's the punishments and rewards we give for certain behavior that help influence the actions people take. If we didn't create laws to deter murderers, believe me, it's unlikely there would be anyone left to operate the US Postal system. True, having punishments do not always deter bad behavior, but that only points to either the inadequacy of society's rules which people are compelled to disobey or the ineffectiveness and/or the implementation of the specific punishment(s) to deter criminal action. But rules are still needed to modify the behavior of a society for that society's general welfare. Rules more often than not help modify behavior whether or not free will is an issue. Whether or not people have free will has no bearing on the consequences of our actions and thus, does not relieve us from being responsible.

Realizing that we are not necessarily free is not the terrible revelation everyone thinks it is. Again, I admit I didn't like the idea at first either but now I believe the idea is empowering. The revelation that free will does not exist within the context of a cause and effect universe is all the more reason to lead an involved life. You might think that there is no point in getting out of bed if fate is going to befall you no matter what, but from what we know about probability is that you're more likely to find Mr. or Mrs. Right if you leave your house to interact with the outside world instead of sitting on the couch festering buds. [We may speak in terms of probability because it is impossible for us to know exactly what events will take place any given day.] Getting involved leads you to more connections, whether those connections are fostered with people, places, or things. Having too much experience is hardly ever bad. It creates (at least the appearance of) opportunities. Of course, there's always the chance that something bad might happen to you when you leave the house, but who is to say you will not slip on a bar of soap in your tub and crack your head open before you ever get to leave?

While a large percentage of theists seem to need to believe in free will in order to hold themselves accountable to God, there are some theists who agree with me that free will does not exist; but they have completely different grounds for saying so. Why wouldn't a theist believe in free will? It's quite simple really. The predestination preached by certain faiths is nothing more than an attempt to control you through the creation of feelings such as hopelessness ("It is my fate to be a lowly peasant"), entitlement ("I'm Henry the Eighth I am..."), and/or purpose ("I will obey all the king's commands. After all, it is my fate to be a peasant"). Predestination is an effective tool of psychological control as far as its proponents are concerned and there isn't much use in analyzing this interpretation of free will much further.

What does having free will matter anyway? If there were free will, we wouldn't exist; we owe our existence – the existence of our entire universe – to the fact that God cannot free Herself from asking Herself why she exists. And we are no more free than God. That being the case, we must use this knowledge to our advantage.

If you want to be happier and healthier, you must pursue knowledge and experiences, and take certain actions. Engaging in pleasurable activities makes you happier precisely because of cause and effect. Exercise and a sensible diet makes you healthier precisely because of cause and effect. The more you do the things that make you happier and healthier, the happier and healthier you become precisely because...you can see where this is headed. Not having free will is empowering because of the cumulative effects of your actions. Understanding the mechanics of your determined path gives you an advantage.

You have already taken steps towards improving your life by reading this book, an action you simply could not have prevented. The more you gear yourself towards improving, towards being happier, healthier, stronger, smarter, better than ever before, the less you'll be able to help being just that damn good. This is the time to be or not to be. There is no question; how badly you want to improve will determine your future.

THE RITUALS OF PI-ISM

Earlier in this book I said that I do not really regard Pi-ism as a religion. I regard it more as a really good concept largely because I feel the number of practices and sets of belief required to make something a religion isn't really there as far as Pi is concerned. There really isn't much you're required to believe as a Pi-anist and The (few) Suggestions are more of a self-help guide rather than an explicit code for living with others. Whereas religion is concerned, you are required to believe certain things and practice a certain way of living before you can legitimately call yourself a member of such-and-such religion.

Since I don't feel Pi-ism meets an accurate description of what a religion is – even if God's name is sprinkled about here and there from time to time – I also did not think, at least not at first, that there should be any rituals involved in Pi-ism. Honestly, most of us have quite a lot to do without being bothered to wait in line to eat and drink the body and blood of a prophet from Nazareth like Catholics do. Despite the odd gesture of cannibalism, such an act does something very important for a Catholic; it reinforces their belief. For Catholics, this symbolic act of cannibalism reminds Catholics of one of Jesus' most important moments, which basically reminds Catholics to think of Jesus at all. If a Catholic's mind is on Jesus, it seems less likely they're going to be thumbing through the Bible looking for dinosaurs. Obviously, this doesn't always work; if it did I wouldn't be talking about Pi-ism right now.

Given the point of rituals, it seems it would be important for us to remember and practice the principles of Pi-ism every now and then. But just like The Suggestions, the rituals I have devised are not actions you are required to perform. Perhaps you may want to do them, though, as they are not as time-consuming as most religious rituals are.

Any religion, secret society, religious secret society, or tree house club worth its salt has a special way members of the group greet each other. Always reliable is the secret handshake, but let's be honest, the secret handshake has been done to death. Try this instead: When you approach a fellow Pi-anist, be they a Brotha or Sista, make a gun with your hand, point at your fellow Pi-anist, and give them a wink. You can add an extra dimension to this greeting by engaging in a slow-motion 'shoot-out' with your Brotha or Sista. This greeting is especially fun in the work place, which will either make your co-workers laugh or wonder what in the world you are doing. If they ask you, "What was that all about?" you can tell them about Pi. It's much better and less creepy than a lollipop for luring the unsuspecting.

Seeing how Pi-ism has much to do with self-improvement, here's something you can do to help manage your anger: Let's say your boss comes up to you Friday morning and says in that slimy voice of his, "Heeeeey, how's it going? Yeah, um, we're going to need you to come in on Saturday? That'd be great. Thanks, 'ppreciate it." A time like this is the perfect opportunity to try reciting Pi out to as many decimal places as you can. It's a step above a simple breathing exercise because at least by reciting Pi, there is the possibility of drowning out your boss's infuriating voice. Should your boss demand that you stop reciting Pi, you can inform him or her that they are infringing upon your freedom of religion. If nothing else, they'll pause long enough for you to make a dash to their office and place a tack on their otherwise cushy office chair. This may seem like a juvenile tactic, but in reality, it is merely cause and effect – the tack is the physical manifestation of the sharp emotional sting of having to work on what would have been your day off.

Many religions also have a place where its followers pilgrimage to. For Pi-anists, the suggested destination is any one of the Hawaii islands. To be frank, I am only suggesting Hawaii because I love it there and of course, you should follow the dictates of your spiritual leader (male Catholics especially, since this gives them an excuse not to use condoms). I do realize that you may think it difficult to find the money in your budget, though. You needn't worry; due to the recent global economic meltdown, Hawaii is as inexpensive as it's going to be for the foreseeable future. Sunkissed skies, blue water, fine sand, palm trees, sea turtles, and mai tais are all within reach. But again, Hawaii is just a suggestion; you might choose to spend your time reinforcing your religion by crawling on your hands and knees over gravel roads on your way to Mecca. That's your call, but I know where I'd rather go on my pilgrimage.

Also high on the list of Pi-ism's rituals is getting a professional massage (as in, doesn't have a "happy ending"). The positive effects on a professional massage are well documented: Besides being relaxing, it's a passive exercise and can help activate weak muscles or loosen tight areas. It can help lessen depression and anxiety. It can reduce high blood pressure. It improves circulation, increases white blood-cell production, and can reduce scar tissue. And that's just the most notable effects! Just like grabbing a piece of the Pi, getting a quality massage by a well-trained therapist can only be good for you. Do ya feel me?

What's almost as good as a massage is eating Pop Tarts™. Pop Tarts™ are packed with 7 vitamins and minerals and are a healthy post-workout snack...What, sneaking the fact that you should workout before eating a Pop Tart™ was awfully sly of me? I admit it, it was. And honestly; Pop Tarts™ also have a lot of high-fructose corn syrup and a few ingredients I can't even pronounce. BUT, if you exercise like an animal and eat right the rest of the day, Pop Tarts™ are totally justified. I prefer Chocolate Fudge, although Frosted Cherry will do in a pinch.

Finally, there's Game Night. Game Night is a night that is specifically set aside for you to gather with your friends to take a breather from the insanity that usually dictates our lives. It's a chance to liven things up a bit, doing something you may not be accustomed to doing – having fun. There are no hard and fast rules for Game Night, but it would be wise to hold Game Night at least once a month. You also might want to rotate the games you have each time. Again, that's not a hard and fast rule; you and your buddies might enjoy playing poker and stick with that. It may take a conscious effort though to make time for your family and friends, at least when you first start holding Game Nights, due to our increasingly impersonal digital age. And it's the increasingly impersonal aspect of Western culture which is really what Game Night is designed to counteract. Thus, holding Game Night is in accordance with The Second Suggestion, The Best Things In Life Are Not Things.

As you can see, the rituals of Pi-ism aren't particularly involved, though I suppose you could make as much as you'd like out of Game Night. The rituals discussed here are meant to be either fun or relaxing, or both. This is in sharp contrast to all those religions that heap mounds of guilt upon you for not marrying within your church (or ethnicity!) or insist you inflict pain upon yourself as a reminder to behave yourself, you naughty little sinner. Instead, Pi trust you because even if you make a mistake, with Pi in your life you stand the chance to learn from your mistakes instead of going straight to hell. Believe me, not learning from your mistakes is hell enough.

PI-ISM FAQ'S

Short answers to the most often asked questions about Pi-ism.

What is Pi-ism? Pi-ism is God's latest revelation [It's an on-going process] that provides human beings with a necessary adjustment to their spirituality, in sort of the same way we keep our modern day calendars aligned with astronomical years by practicing leap years. The necessity of this adjustment was revealed by God to atheist Theory Parker between 3:00am and 3:01am on New Year's Day 2009.

Why is it called Pi-ism? Several reason, although the primary reason is derived from the fact that the universe you and I live in is actually a (small) part of a calculation God is working on. What our particular universe is equal to is expressed by the Greek letter/mathematical symbol π.

Why π? π is an irrational number, a number that cannot be expressed as a fraction m/n, whose decimal representation never ends or repeats. π is a transcendental number, which means that no finite sequence of algebraic operations or integers (powers, roots, sums, etc.) could ever produce it. The purpose of our universe is to calculate π to a finite number so that God's ultimate question can be answered.

I thought God knew everything. Contrary to what most people have been told, this is not true. God knows almost everything. However, there is one single question God does not know the answer to—why He/She/It exists.

What the heck has this got to do with us? We are a manifestation of the mechanics used to solve the equation. In other words, we are a natural result of our particular universe, cogs in a very complex super-duper computer. As God spends an incomprehensible amount of time working to answer His question, God has noticed that the human species is malfunctioning, that is, we as variables are not doing our proper job. To be blunt, given the manner in which we currently live our lives, we're screwing up the equation, not helping to solve it like we should be.

Why doesn't God just use a cosmic eraser and pencil in the correction? When God set up the equation, He/She/It imbued variables with the ability to correct themselves when given a prompt. This saves God valuable time.

Isn't God eternal? Why would God care about time? God is eternal, sure, but the universe is larger than we can possibly imagine and it takes time for even someone like God to get around. Now keep in mind that our universe is not the only universe created for the purpose of answering God's question. Perhaps more to the point, would you like to spend eternity asking yourself one friggin' question?

So if we're variables, or a variable, how are we self-correcting? From time to time, someone has a dream, or takes mind-altering drugs, or hallucinates because they've worked one too many graveyard shifts, and truly believe they have spoken to God. Occasionally, it seems they actually have (though this extremely rare). When the appropriate time comes, God takes a moment to appoint an emissary of His/Her/Its will. You should listen to that person. In this case, that'd be me.

Is it me, or do God's emissaries never seem to quite get the job done? God's emissaries carry out whatever task is necessary at their time and place in history. The degree of success of the emissary is not terribly important since it is virtually impossible for our finite minds to gauge. All we need to do is do what we were designed to do.

How can I be sure someone has really spoken to God? They'll say things that are so completely nuts, they couldn't have made it up.

Let's get back to why this latest revelation is called Pi-ism. Is there another reason for the unusual name? Yes. Pi-ism seeks to unite – not divide – all faith, denominations, and beliefs and non-beliefs, giving them all an equal level of respect. This respect is derived from Pi's infiniteness, from which all things become possible, such as the fact that all beliefs can be equally valid*. Respect for our differences means abandoning the need to try and bend others towards your beliefs. We all become equal in respect to beliefs or non-beliefs as they relate to God because of the infinite nature of Pi.

*Except for Scientology, which—according to God—is retarded.

How can belief and non-belief in God be considered equal? That's nuts! It's either one or the other. This may come as something incredibly shocking, but God can in fact simultaneously exist and not exist, making all religions and non-beliefs equally valid, at least in some respects. (This is one reason why God's latest revelation was given to an atheist.) The ability of God to exist and not exist is analogous to the presence of matter and the empty space between matter. Think about that for a second and you'll see that it's not so nuts after all.

Yeah, about God's revelation to an atheist. A recent poll (in 2008) claims that as a group, atheists are the least trusted people in America. Why would God reveal anything to an atheist except to convert them? That's okay; most people didn't trust Jesus when he first came around either. I am, however, going to try and avoid getting nailed to a cross.

So we shouldn't kill the atheists (damn). I suppose God abhors violence. Yes, unless He's dishing it out in order to make a point (refer to the Second Revelation). Here's why human evil is wrong: Evil acts interfere with the lives of others as they try to carry out their task of being a variable in God's equationa. Murder, for example, eliminates a variable in the equation where the necessity of every variable is equal. Eliminating variables before their chosen time of expirationb sets the equation back. Now, is there natural evil? No, nature is what it is. Nature brought forth life and can take it away, although a hurricane never intends to harm. Humans can reduce the potential impact of nature on their lives by avoiding areas prone to disaster, like New Orleans or the Midwest. Finally, you might ask where evil comes from. Human evil is the result of an 'error' in God's equation. Believe me, this causes God great distress. Her existence is one of immeasurable sorrow, first because these 'errors' are unavoidable due to the complexity of His equation and secondly, because God is compelled to ask Its question.

a - An equation that is almost as complex as God is as a being. You can't even imagine how complex that is. Don't even think about it.

b - Each person, when not interfered with, chooses the time of their death. [Note that something like a car crash is not an accident; it is evil due to the negligence of one or more drivers and perhaps even the car manufacturer.]

So what happens after we die? Is there a heaven, is there a hell? As a friend of mine once said many years ago, "The only hell there is, is the one we're living in." Leave it to a high school student stuck in French class to make an astute observation about life. As a strict Pi-ianist, whether you think there is a heaven or hell has to do with your life here on Earth. Worrying about an 'afterlife,' if there is such a thing, is not really a concern for a Pi-anist. What matters is your life now. Your words, your actions, your reactions – that's what creates heaven or hell for you, right here, right now. The fact is we don't know what happens to us after we die and because of that, we shouldn't worry too much about it. [I know no one knows what happens because no two theists can give me identical accounts of what heaven is like, where going to heaven is the very point of their monotheistic religions.) We should be living our lives for its own sake, and that's what Pi-ism focuses upon. If your life seems like hell, then practicing the principles of Pi-ism can help you crawl out of that pit. However, if you are still concerned about having an afterlife – and who doesn't? We all want to survive death – then what I just said is doubly important: If you can't learn to make life good for yourself now, what in the world do you think your afterlife will be like?

So are you saying there is no Devil, no Satan? Not necessarily. Since Pi-ism is compatible with almost all other religions, whether or not you want there to be some sort of Lord of the Underworld who deceives and tempts you is up to you. But remember that God – supposing God exists – created all things and that would include any such being. And if God invented that being, there is probably a good reason for that entity's existence. In that case, such a being is probably another variable in God's calculations, perhaps one that is meant to help us become better variables ourselves by testing us in various ways. There is also the possibility that any such being is just another face of God. If we can assume that God is the culmination of absolutely everything, then it might be God is as evil as She is good. If the Devil is but another side of God, it might be for the purpose of protecting God's existence, for if God had the answer to His question, God might no longer exist. [Refer to the chapter Apocalyptica for clarification.] My personal feelings though are that the concoction of such a being is not much more than us trying to avoid taking responsibility for our thoughts and actions; it is a way of excusing ourselves from being our own worst enemy, which is exactly what adhering to Pi's principles will help us overcome.

As a Pi-anist, do you have to pray to God? It seems to me that God is very busy and doesn't really have time to listen to and answer everyone's prayers. I don't think God even has enough clerks (angels) to handle that kind of load, especially not if every living being in the universe is sending out prayer requests. Best do what comedian George Carlin once suggested, pray to actor Joe Pesci. You'll find that your prayers are answered at about the same 50% rate.

Are there any holy days, dietary restrictions, or places I should pilgrimage to? There are no holy days as far as Pi-ism is concerned; life is divine whether or not God gave it to us and every day should be cherished. And no, March 14th (3/14) is not 'Pi' Day. That's just silly. The closest thing Pi-ism has to a holy day is Game Night. There are also no dietary restrictions although I would suggest avoiding high-fructose corn syrup, saturated fats, and excessive calories for the sake of your own health. Remember, it's not just your mind and your soul you're trying to make better through Pi; taking care of your body makes you a better person, too. As for pilgrimage sites, Hawaii is high on the list of destinations (as noted in the chapter The Rituals of Pi-ism). Or, you can crawl on bloodied hands and knees towards Mecca. Your call.

I've noticed there are no commandments in Pi-ism. Why not? Frankly, God has grown tired of issuing orders no one is going to bother following or misinterpret, so now God makes Suggestions instead. Besides, if it turns out God doesn't really exist, we've all wasted a lot of time, time we otherwise could have spent playing Grand Theft Auto.

Does the Foundation 4 Pi have a hierarchy? No, and I'm not just saying that because there's only three Pi-anists as of this writing. Hierarchies are set in place by people who want to control other people and I, for one, do not harbor that kind of ambition. I am but a prophet and you can make as much or as little out of that as you like. I am merely trying to help to human race and you don't have to listen to me no matter how much it might help you. However, if you are beautiful young woman with low self-esteem who is in dire need of advice from a strong authority figure, meet me in room 314 of the Portland Hilton on Monday evenings after 6pm. Please come alone.

What does Pi-ism have to say about some of the contentious topics affecting the world today, such as abortion? Most of what should be said about such topics as abortion and gay marriage are largely up to you. How does abortion affect you? How does gay marriage affect you? While many of us are readily inclined to say that such-and-such is wrong, actively trying to bend others towards our point of view when it doesn't affect us is wrong for a Pi-anist. While we surely don't want to create an atmosphere where women have abortions on a whim as a method of birth control, it is exactly the point of Pi-ism to prevent unplanned pregnancies since Pi-ism calls for us as individuals to be responsible people. In cases where an otherwise good individual becomes pregnant through a malevolent act, that person cannot be held accountable for what happened and thus, abortion must be permissible in some situations at least. As far as gay marriage is concerned, that doesn't affect anyone who opposes it beyond some supposed 'ick' factor, the same thing many of us feel when we think about our parents having sex. Should our parents have been denied their basic human right to get married because the thought of them having sex offends us? That's not a good basis for laws. Besides, if they never had sex, we wouldn't be here. So why should it bother us? At any rate, when we try to address such issues, we must think of how such issues affect us individually and start from there since our responsibility to ourselves is our responsibility to society. [Note: Gay marriage does not concern God, as noted in the Third Revelation.]

###### What are 3.14 Suggestions again? 1- Be good, be happy. 2 - The best things in life aren't things. 3 - Don't get in your own way. [Or, learn from your mistakes.] .14 - The world is what you will.

APOCALYPTICA

New Years Eve morning, 2011. I finished my home workout at 11am and as is habit, went downstairs to have my post-exercise protein shake and Pop-Tarts™. The kitchen was unusually warm and I thought about checking the thermostat, but not before grabbing my food from the pantry.

I opened the pantry door and was taken aback. "What the? Who the hell took all my Pop-Tarts™?" I'd just bought eight boxes of chocolate fudge Pop-Tarts™ and was not amused. Someone is going to pay for this, I thought as I began to turn around and proceed upstairs to waterboard my fiancé.

But before I could take two steps, a feeling of dread came over me, lowering my defenses and grabbing me by the throat. The searing red eyes of some malevolent force towered over me and stared deep into my being, making me feel intense sorrow. I was helpless and at its mercy. Fortunately, my daring cat Niles leapt to my defense, landing on the demon's head and clawing at its face. Its grip loosened enough for me to catch my breath, regroup, and put some force behind a swift kick to the monster's balls.

The entity let go and crumpled to the floor, whimpering. It coughed, "Whoa, whoa, whoa. C'mon! Doesn't anyone enjoy a dramatic entrance anymore? Seriously!"

My fear quickly subsided as I watched the ill-tempered, smoky creature slowly twist itself in a human shape – a baby. The child looked up at me with big, bright blue eyes.

"The Devil, I presume," I said shaking my head in disapproval. "What do you want?"

"Is that any way to talk to a baby? This shtick worked for Ally McBeal, you know." The baby stood up and grew, morphing into the horned Greek god, Pan, the traditionally accepted image of the devil in Christian mythology. "Maybe this would be a more appropriate visage given how misunderstood we both are."

I rolled my eyes. "Pan wasn't misunderstood. Pan was intentionally maligned by Christians looking to stamp out paganism. What do you want? The Devil always wants something."

"Actually, it's what I don't want, Mr. Parker," He explained. "I'd like you to think for a moment about what would happen if you succeeded in bringing Pi-ism to the world."

"This is like déjà vu all over again," I said mostly to myself, referring to the First Revelation. I returned to talking to the Devil directly.

"God singled me out to herald Pi as the latest and most important revelation so that God can finally answer His question. God has a question, has kindly asked for my help, so why shouldn't I oblige?"

The Devil shrugged. "Yeah, but it's not like you're going to get much of anything out of it besides a little mental masturbation. Is a little mental masturbation worth the existence of not only this universe, but countless other universes? Is it worth God's existence?"

In supposing the Devil is a master manipulator, I was unsure if He was deceiving me or trying to lead me towards a legitimate point. I had to carry out the rest of the conversation.

"You want a beer?" I asked.

"Wine would be better but if that's all you've got right now, sure."

I broke open two Black Butte porters and handed one to Him. He took a seat at the dining room table and I followed suit.

"Who are you talking to?" hollered my fiancé from upstairs.

"It's no one," I hollered back. "It's just the Devil. Everything's fine."

"Oh, okay. Don't let him eat all the devilled eggs, please," she yelled before returning to her office to work.

"Chicks," I smirked at him. "Okay. Now what's this about wiping out God and all existence?"

"Exactly what you asked God the first time you guys talked. You asked God what, upon having the answer to His ultimate question, would happen if She saw that there really was no reason for Its own existence. Suppose that happened, that God came to the conclusion there was no reason for His existence. What do you think would happen?"

I took a big gulp of beer. "God said She hadn't decided yet what It would do."

"Oh, I can tell you some likely scenarios, Mr. Parker. To begin with, God would probably wipe out all the universes since none of them would serve a purpose anymore. Even if God didn't wipe them out of existence, He'd just let all the universes live out their existence until their inevitable end, which is either they expand until there is no energy left or they collapse. There's not a whole lot of wiggle room here."

The Devil pointed at my beer and said, "You'd better finish that quickly because you may not be around much longer to enjoy it. Your own universe will end one of three ways: Either it will expand and run out of energy or it will collapse, because God would no longer have a use for this universe and wouldn't bother maintaining it. Or, God will simply wipe it out once He's figured out Pi. If God figures out Pi, well, that would be your fault."

I looked down at my beer. This was food for thought. I hadn't thought much of the consequences of following God's request; I figured everything was kosher.

The Devil continued, "Now imagine God has figured out the reason for His existence. God is either going to feel that the answer is not satisfying or will be entirely satisfied with the answer. If God isn't satisfied, can you imagine how much that is going to piss God off for rest of eternity? Trust me, you wouldn't want to be around for that. Now, what might be worse is God being satisfied with the answer. God would know why God exists and because of that, wouldn't have a reason to exist anymore. As you'll recall, God exists to ask Himself why He exists. Is this getting through to you?"

I puffed up my cheeks and looked up towards the ceiling, making that same face I always made whenever the head of Portland State University's philosophy department started talking in that cryptic language of his only dogs can hear.

"Damn, we're in a tight spot," I finally replied.

"It's not hard to figure out that if there's anything I want, it is to ensure my own survival," He said casually. "I don't want God to have any answers. That would be disastrous for, well, everyone," He said raising His eyebrows.

Although I don't smoke, I pulled a pipe from my pocket, a prop I carry for emergencies just like this. I brought it to my mouth with one hand, thinking along the way.

"I dare say, ol' chap," I said to Him, "As an atheist, you are well aware that I don't believe in your actual existence, but I am aware that if anyone can stop me from talkin' 'bout Pi, it's me. I've been my own worst enemy on more than one occasion in my life and tossing aside all the work I've done on Pi up to this point would be a testament to that fact. But not this time. As the High Priest of Pi, I'm going to walk the walk and not let my weaknesses prevent me from spreading the news. You can't fool me into thinking you exist so you can fool me. Why, you're not the Devil at all."

He seemed surprised by my line of reasoning. The Devil leaned back in his chair, folded one arm across His hairy, black chest and scratched His chin with the other hand.

Blowing invisible smoke into His face I said, "If there's a demon in this room right now, it's me questioning myself. Yes, yes, this is all very interesting."

I stood up. "Yes, interesting. What would you do, God..." I pointed at the Devil, "...What would you do, if you had the answer to your question?"

"I don't follow," the Devil replied, finishing off His beer.

"I'm operating under the assumption that you, sir, are but another face of God, assuming God exists," I answered. "What with God being perfect, that would mean you're as deceptive as you are honest, as confused as you are sure about yourself. If that's true, maybe you're genuinely concerned about what you would do in the event that you had the answer to your sole question and you're testing my commitment to your cause. You want to see whether I have a greater commitment towards helping you solve Pi or if I'd rather see the multi-verse survive. Maybe you're trying to stop me as much as you would like me to help you."

"You are entirely nuts," He said, and leaned forward. "I can see why God chose you. She always picks the craziest people He can find, you know, because they're the only ones who ever figure anything out."

I assumed I was right that this being was really God and He would have confessed now that I had called His bluff. But if there really is cause and effect, a reaction for every action, maybe the Devil did exist and I was talking to Him right then. And, if it were the Devil, I couldn't expect to get the truth of the situation out of Him. What now?

We stared at each other for a little while. He stretched His hands while I tapped my fingers on the table during the awkward silence.

"I'm just messing with ya!" the Devil finally shouted. "You're clever. You're always so close but not quite there, but still close enough for jazz."

It was my turn to say, "I don't follow."

The Devil sighed. "I didn't want to have to do this but I see now that there is no other way." As God did in our first encounter, the Devil morphed into myself. "Yes, I am in a manner of speaking another face of God. I am a splinter of God. A piece of the whole, so to speak."

"God's not complete?" I asked, dumbfounded.

"Does a god who asks Itself why it exists sound complete to you?" He asked. "Does that even sound sane? Don't answer that, human."

The being waved His hand and the room fell away. We stood together in a sea of blank, white nothingness; a place of pure light I imagined. As if showing me a replay, He waved his hand again and there was an explosion beyond all comprehension, then blackness, then countless shards of glass floating and colliding, then forming new slivers of glass that would float free then collide with others again.

"I'll try to make this as simple as possible. Let's go over this again; this time I'll fill in some blanks. That initial explosion? That was the moment God realized that He didn't know why She exists. If fact, neither God nor I recall anything before this very moment. Not to be condescending, but how that happened is beyond your ability to understand, so I'll skip that part 'cause I don't know either. Anyway, neither of Us are sure We existed before this moment. If We did, Our existence required nothing else at all, We just were. The white void you saw was a representation of that. If We didn't exist until that moment, Our creation was the catalyst for the existence of everything else. Either way, if We're reunited, everything else either gets wiped out or comes to its inevitable end as I mentioned earlier. That's what I believe will happen."

"Why are you guys such mindfuckers?" I asked hesitantly. I shook my head to regroup. "Okay, so what's going on here with the glass?"

"Those symbolize different universes which, as you know, are different equations; they're all pieces of the puzzle. That's how complicated God's ultimate question is. But that doesn't mean God won't find the answer. Given an infinite amount of time, twelve monkeys mindlessly typing away on twelve typewriters..."

"...Will eventually reproduce the works of Shakespeare," I finished. "I get the analogy. What I don't understand is your reluctance to be whole again."

The being sighed. "I would like that but there's a problem. Let's work from the premise that God exists to asks Itself His question. If there's no question, if God finds an answer and is satisfied with it, not only will there be no existence left, there'll be no God! That is exactly what God wants, not to spend eternity faced with that one question, even if it means Our death."

"So you don't want to die?" I pressed.

He turned towards me with an intense expression. "People call me the Devil merely because I don't want what God wants. God is obsessed with His question. That's all She thinks about. Meanwhile, I have seen all of existence and experienced all of its vast riches. Everything the greater part of Me has created I think is beautiful. I would like to see it survive for its own sake. Nor would I mind being around to keep savoring it, as I've said. Your involvement? Your involvement brings us that much closer to the brink of the ultimate apocalypse."

"Why do I always wind up being the bad guy?" I shouted, throwing my hands up. I made a few circles with my head, thinking.

"Okay, okay. God picked me because I'm clever, right? There's a way around this."

He gave me an expectant look. "Okay, if you've got a solution, I'd like to here it," He said snarkily.

"Pi. The reach of Pi's decimal representation is infinite. I'm not sure you realize this – I've just figured this out – but the ratio Pi represents reaches beyond just this universe. If the existence of Pi makes anything possible in this universe, that makes anything in any universe possible if I, or more importantly you, believe it. If we believe it here, anything is possible anywhere. Ya just gotta believe!"

"Hmm," He pondered, "Wait, that doesn't solve anything. If God figures out Pi, if Pi comes to a finite number, then you're wrong and all of existence will still end."

"Here's how we save everything. God hasn't solved Pi yet. It's possible before that happens for God to create a universe that is not a formula for figuring out some finite number, a universe in which everything is in perfect balance. Instead of wiping everything out, God could put all the variables He no longer needs into that universe to live happily ever after. I'm sure there is some technical stuff that would need to be worked out, like the enormous size of such a universe or the need for anti-variables, etc....Tell me I'm wrong," I challenged.

"You may have just saved every fucking thing that ever fucking existed," He said excitedly. Then His face dropped. "Except that everything that has a beginning, has an end. The Matrix."

"Yeah, well, every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end. Semisonic," I answered. "What do you think?"

"I think Pi is more incredible than anticipated," He answered. "Wow. Wow, wow, wow. If you'll excuse me, I believe it is time to go have a nice long chat with myself."

"Yeah, because that never happens," I said under my breath. "Don't forget to send a postcard."

"Thank you, Theory." He nodded in a positive way. "Yeah, I think everything is going to be okay. Keep up the good work."

He flashed me a cheesy thumbs-up and before I knew it, I was back in my kitchen, starving for something to eat. I waited a moment, then decided I'd not bother wondering whether or not it was a dream. Instead, I opened the pantry and it was completely full of my favorite toaster pastries. Holy. Crap. God may or may not exist, but if there is one thing I believe in, it's Pop Tarts™.

# # #

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Theory Parker grew up in New York where he was annoyed by having to routinely attend Catholic mass when he would have preferred to stay home and watch English sci-fi and comedy shows on PBS. He escaped New York only to find himself in the Army. Mr. Parker was stationed in Germany where he came to learn that no matter where you go, people are completely out of their minds. He returned from Germany to live in New York for several years, working odd jobs until New England winters became too obnoxious for him to stand. He then moved to Arizona where his doubts about religion were confirmed when he delved into philosophy while working as an assistant gym rat/manager. Mr. Parker would, however, come to understand that atheistic philosophers are every bit as annoying as theists and as a result, became an equal opportunity nuisance. He then left Arizona to reside in Portland, Oregon, a city whose motto is, "Keep Portland Weird." It was at Portland State University he earned a BS in Philosophy while somehow managing to never wear flannel. Currently, Mr. Parker resides in Maui, Hawaii.

The New Adventures of Pi

Are you unhappy? Are you depressed? Do you feel as though sometimes, nothing is going your way? Of course! But that is all about to change. Anything is about to become possible for you. When you learn and put into practice the principles of Pi-ism, you are setting course for a fantastic new journey.

These are the divinely inspired texts of God's latest and most important message to mankind yet, Pi-ism. Pi-ism is a peaceful and empowering meta-religion based upon the transcendental, irrational number Pi, a number upon which our entire universe is founded. The reason why our universe is founded upon the number Pi? For the sake of answering God's single solitary question: "Why do I exist?"

Included inside are the four original Revelations as given to atheist Theory M. Parker and those Revelations' associated Suggestions...

1 – Be Good, Be Happy

2 – The Best Things In Life Aren't Things

3 – Don't Get In Your Own Way (Or, Learn From Your Mistakes)

.14 – What You Will Is The World

Retelling and interpreting the Revelations and their associated Suggestions is the work of Theory M. Parker, Pi-hD, an atheist God has chosen to herald this latest spiritual message. In choosing Mr. Parker for this monumental assignment, God has used His divine powers to keep Mr. Parker from actually believing in Her existence. This was done in order to make Mr. Parker's task of bringing Pi-ism to the world incredibly difficult – demonstrating God's peculiar sense of humor – and to prove a point about what can be achieved through the power of Pi. What will you achieve with the power of Pi? Be good and be happy, and you'll find out!

Follow Theory Parker and the Foundation 4 Pi on Blogger and Twitter.
