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Okay storytime... [not safe for work] What
happens in real life sex that you never see
in porn ?
How about the old "hey!
I don't bend like that!"?..
Stopping oral to remove a pube from your tongue
Stopping to see what the dog is freaking out
about in the other room.
The waddle to the toilet before the cum drips
out.
'your elbow is hurting me''move backwards''you're
putting too much weight'
Pets being voyeurs and/or jumping on the bed
to check out what’s going on
The moment where you both just decide to stop
despite no one orgasming, because you’re
too exhausted to move any more
......
Cramp
Cat being jealous, jumping on the bed and
making a fuss wanting to somehow be a part
of it.
Having to stop for a moment to grab him, carry
him out of the bedroom and closing the door.
Having to endure constant meowing behind the
door.
Eyerolling at each other before proceeding.
Spend half hour looking for her other sock
or random clothing article just to find it
under a pillow
The clean up afterwards, and the post sex,
crazy pee stream
The woman having to take a drink because her
mouth gets dry during a blowjob
The awkward moment of down time between making
out/foreplay and sex, when condoms are grabbed
and put on.
It lasts forever.
The pizza man gives you your pizza and then
leaves so you eat pizza while masturbating
furiously and crying
The kids knocking on the door to tell you
something inane.
An actual female orgasm
Snuggling
Leg cramps, giggles, farting, that sweaty
stuck together sound, intense euphoria on
another freaking metaphysical plane with the
right partner.Normal angles for intimacy instead
of for camera angles.
Intimacy.
Like really taking pleasure in your partner’s
company and in their enjoyment
The actual orgasm faces that no one would
want to see
......Edit : So, you guys have informed me
that the term for this is "Vinegar Strokes",
and all I have to say is that my favorite
song by them is Reptilia.2
" your feet are bloody freezing"
Arguing over who sleeps on the wet spot afterwards
The laughing - joke making, meme referencing,
hand wandering that's ticklish, etcetera
A few years back I was ramping it up on my
wife in the standard missionary position and
I all of a sudden felt a sandpaper tongue
tossing my salad.
Such mixed emotions.
My nasty dog now gets locked in the closet
as a pre sex routine.
Not everyone enjoys the taste (and smell)
of semen.Also trying to hold in a fart during
sex, only to let out one huge one when you
cum.
The sweat, jokes and laughter, the surprising
amount of air that somehow makes it's way
into the vagina and is subsequently forced
out by pushing on the tummy.Also, "hey I'm
gonna get some water real quick, you want
some?"
With a "hell yeah" response.
Stay hydrated kings and queens.
Having to awkwardly grab a cum rag without
spilling cum everywhere.
Falling asleep during
The girl I was with had an asthma attack and
an orgasm at the same time.
“Oh god don’t stop” and “find my fucking
inhaler right now” is a confusing set of
instructions to receive in a 60 second span
Last night I went to slap my girl on the ass
while her legs were over my shoulders.
What actually happened was I reached around
and slapped my balls really hard.
How often women accidentally kick their partner
while switching positions 😂
Surprisingly, there are way less lemon stealing
whores in real life.
Just sticking it right in, no lube or foreplay
"Ow-ow-ow-wait.
Can you just- shift a bit- Ow - yes that's
fine - ok let's g-FUCK YOUR HAND IS ON MY
HAIR MOVE OW OW OW"
The disappointment
Female P.O.V. - you always see from the guys
point of view, looking down as he's getting
his cock sucked, but I've yet to see the female
point of view, looking up at the guy, with
the cock hanging right there.
I'm sure it exists somewhere, I just haven't
seen it.
This evening my girlfriends dog had a seizure
while we were having sex.
The punchline is he was on the bed with us
and he, as he often does with seizures, peed
himself.
It sprayed right on my girlfriends arm and
our pillows... currently doing laundry shake
my head...
The cat trying to stop it
Queefing
The ‘cum run’ to the toilet after you’ve
finished
In porn for some reason touching anywhere
remotely near the clitoris sends a woman into
paroxysms
I never see people stop mid stroke because
they suddenly have to fart.
I hate it.
Don't want to fart mid sex, don't really want
to stop sex, but the more you move the more
likely that something will slip.
Hell of a dilemma.
Stopping and throwing on some clothes to quickly
answer the doorbell because this is the third
time the UPS man has attempted signature delivery
of that awesome package you have been expecting
and you don't want to drive the 10 miles into
the industrial quarter to pick it up from
the warehouse tomorrow.
The moment you realize you left the toy downstairs
and the both of you look at each other, hoping
the other one gets it.
Then during the time it takes to go get it,
you're maintaining an erection with no stimulation
or visual help, so you keep the party going
until the toy is back.
But then it's low on batteries so you have
to dig out 4 AAs in the drawer next to the
bed.
Are they new, or are they old ones you changed
out last time?
Anal is always so clean in porn.
The man turning down sex!
Talking about your plans for tomorrow during
the act
My girl and I were going at it one day, and
I was hitting it from the back.
My cat was a wee fluff, 6 years ago.
You ever have a small fluff goblin latch onto
your sack with tiny dagger fingers, and start
biting your family jewels?
The kid comes in because she couldn't sleep.
Nobody ever has any casual conversations and
it's upsettingly inaccurate.
At least do it to further the plot a bit for
fuck's sake
The cute cuddling and pure happiness of being
with the person you love at the end.
Me and my boyfriend get so happy after, I’m
usually laying on top of him and I’ll look
into his eyes and we will just start laughing
or smiling a lot.
Forehead kisses, maybe some hickies (but that
usually turns into more sex even if we though
we were finished before).
Me
The pause for snacks during a orgy or gangbang.
Headbutting or elbowing.Going to pick up/throw/whatever
someone and a hand slipping dangerously.
I don't know I'm 13
I have said it before, I will say it again.
Cuddling and aftercare.
Aftercare is super important after sex, especially
particularly rough sex.
And so is cuddling.
Cuddling after is my kryptonite.
The payment
How often the dick actually slips out of the
vagina lol.
It happens quite a lot
Lots of farting at the same time as orgasm.
I can't help it when all my muscles go crazy
with the pleasure.
Shit happens.
At least not literally.
