

Peculiar People

Gideon Burdon

Copyright Gideon Burdon 2012

Published at Smashwords
Sometimes events conspire to make you look stupid.

Daniel Smithson had reached this conclusion while reflecting back upon the timing and nature of the visit he had received that evening from his new ward's Elders' Quorum President and his girlfriend.

Daniel had moved to Utah to spend a semester as an exchange student at the Y, and a week after moving was on a Skype call with his parents back in England. Daniel's mother and father were no longer active in the church, and were not at all keen on the idea of him going on a mission. They had been actively trying to derail Dan's application for the foreign exchange until they watched a few 'hilarious' YouTube videos made by BYU students. It then occurred to them that a few months living with 'those people' might put him off a mission altogether. For Daniel's part, he thought they were relying on worn-out stereotypes of active Latter-Day Saints and generally being unfair.

"We know how it is in the Church, especially in Utah," his dad had been saying. "You've got the pious, serious men who seem like they're interrogating you every time they talk to you. Then there are the women, they're loud and brash. As for the young people, well, the girls are all desperate to get married but the young men just want to play Xbox and watch sports in their parents' basements. Mark my words, you'll see that they're all the same."

Daniel was familiar with the popular prejudgements people often made, but his parents weren't exactly experts on Church culture either. They had been baptised during time when the Osmonds were very popular in the UK, but stopped attending church meetings in a matter of weeks.

They weren't exactly anti-Mormon, but it was fair to say that they'd lost contact with the Church to the extent that their conact with the Gospel now amounted to the occasional brief scan of the Controversies section of the "Mormon" entry on Wikipedia. As for Daniel, he had been active in the Church since his early teenage years, but the family had moved towns a few times, which had made it difficult for Daniel to make and keep friends his age. One of the reasons why he wanted to study in Utah was to really experience the social side of being Mormon.

Daniel knew he wanted to prove his parents wrong, but had not yet met many members. "Well, the Bishop here has been really nice and found me somewhere to stay. He's perfectly normal, so I think I'll enjoy it here, actually," defended Daniel in a slightly higher tone than usual. The apartment doorbell rang. "Hang on, I'll see who it is."

Leaving his laptop on the coffee table ('footrest' might be more accurate), Daniel answered the door and was greeted in a manner that was... well, it was loud and brash – by a brunette of about his age along with a tall lad in Sunday dress who had a fairly chiselled jaw and regimented hair. The girl was harder to describe since all you really noticed above the sound of her voice was her eyes, which like her smile were bursting with Enthusiasm (that capital letter was intentional).

"Hi! You must be Danny!"(Actually, he was fine with being called Daniel or Dan, but not Danny.) "We are SO pleased to meet you. I'm Gail and this is Jonathan. Jonathan's your Elders Quorum President and-oh-we're-so-excited-to-have-you-HERE! Aren't we, hon'?" The girl Gail was going full steam ahead. The Elder's Quorum President shook Danny's hand and greeted him with all the excitement of a funeral director. Needless to say, Danny was wishing he had ended the Skype call before he answered the door.

After ten minutes of one-sided conversation which included an explanation of the location of the Chapel (which was useful) and of how American currency worked (which was somewhat condescending), the couple left him with some phone numbers and an invitation to a Young Adult dance happening that Friday. It'd be a good chance to meet other students and generally kill time before Daniel could start classes in September. Daniel's parents had been giggling all the way through and imitating Gail's mannerisms.

He sat back down in front of the screen. "OK, I have to admit that was quite funny, but not everyone is going to be like Jonathan and Gail seemed just then. These are real people, not characters in a cheesy film. Anyway, I need to go buy some food so I'll leave you comedians alone." Daniel said goodbye hastily and signed out. He could tell their future conversations would have the recurring theme that he was living in a world inhabited by Mormon clichés.

He had felt comfortable making himself at home in the sitting room not because he had the apartment to himself, but because the other occupant was uncomfortable being pretty much anywhere but his room. Brendan, his flatmate, was a recent RM who was making up for lost time with his computers. He must have had a fridge in his room because the Brit hadn't seen him leave his room more than a handful of times since Dan had arrived. In fairness to him, he was a nice guy, not weird or anything - just a bit of a hermit. Daniel had had a few conversations with him already and he was a good laugh. Even if Daniel's dad had gotten pretty close to the truth with his Xbox and basement jibe.

Dan asked him if he was going to the dance.

"Um, I'll think about it," said Brendan, but Daniel he could tell by the way his body language changed that he was really looking forward to it. Daniel got a brief glimpse into his room, a veritable lair with computer cables everywhere. Brendan showed off the project he was working on, a modification for his Gameboy that allowed him to play Sega games on it.

"Maybe you can put Gameboy games on your Sega next," suggested Daniel, half-joking.

His flatmate cocked an eyebrow. "No, that'd be crazy. No way you could do that."

Friday arrived and Daniel was happy to take any opportunity to find his bearings in his new neighbourhood, so he decided to walk to the stake centre rather than get a ride with Brendan.

It was a warm, dry summer evening, which anyone who's been to Britain will know is much less common there. As is natural when arriving in a new country, he noticed even the small differences: the houses, the road layout, the company logos emblazoned on vans driving past; how people had "mailboxes" at the end of the drive, presumably so the mailman didn't have to trespass on your property by going up to your door, or the how the wooden houses were much wider and longer than your usual brick semi-detached houses in rain-soaked Britain.

Daniel arrived at the chapel and navigated through the rows of cars. A lot of them were occupied, open doors and windows allowing their competing CD collections to float out of the windows. This was the time-honoured tradition of those who are too cool to dance, or be seen in the hall, and in some cases too cool to even enter the building (but who made the effort turn up late anyway). One particularly garish vehicle played host to some neck-bearded late-twenty-somethings in baggy jeans and black t-shirts chugging a well-known cola drink (I'm not sure how libel works internationally, but let's just call it Schmoka-Schmola) and generally being antisocial. Menaces to society, indeed.

Inside, the corridors were practically lined from end to end, since the music was too loud for intelligent conversation in the cultural hall. Looking through the glass into the hall, Dan noted the bountiful array of refreshments. A few people were in there dancing, some of them who were obviously interpreting the "Book of Mormon distance when you dance" rule to refer to the smartphone edition. Gail caught Daniel's eye, so he spun around to carry on down the hallway and immediately walked into the upper chest area of the Elder's Quorum President.

"Oh, hello Danny," (it's still not Danny) "Glad you could make it. The dance is proceeding very successfully so far." He made it sound like a military operation, or maybe a good old-fashioned haircut. "I'll introduce you to a few people, shall I? Alvin was just making a very good joke about some explorers in the Amazon." President Jonathan, as Danny called him in his mind, brought Daniel over to a cluster of young adults and gestured to a younger lad with a darker skin tone and black hair – maybe half- or a quarter-Latino, who differed from the others in that rather than a shirt-and-chinos or t-shirt-and-jeans combo he had opted for full-on basketball attire. One sensed that the EQP's introduction had dampened the atmosphere.

"Oh, it's never funny the second time. Sorry, bro." He pulled his hand out of his shorts pocket and fist-bumped Daniel. "Hey, aren't you the guy who's moved in with Brendan Akerfeldt? I live right across the street from your apartment building." Both introduced themselves; Alvin was American-Chilean but spoke perfect English and Dan's sense of perception led him very quickly to two conclusions, one that Alvin was very sharp, and secondly that whereas Daniel knew nothing about basketball, baseball or American football, Alvin knew everything. He was a bit of a joker, too, which made a pleasant change.

Beside Jonathan, the other person who had the luck to hear Alvin's Amazonian explorers joke was an older girl, maybe about the same age as the causeless rebels outside and definitely on the verge of leaving the YSA scene. She was nice enough looking, if very girly, with light brown hair in a hairband, tasteful makeup and a pink belted dress. Daniel would later find out that she had made or altered almost every item of clothing; she hadn't modified her shoes, but the rest was DIY. Her name was Felicity, or Fliss for short, and like Alvin she lived in a tall apartment block across the street from Daniel. Some people have a tendency to assume that a girl reaching Fliss' age without getting married must be either unattractive or doing something seriously wrong, but even without doing much observation Daniel could already see that demographically the odds were stacked in favour of the men, since there were a lot of single girls at the dance and not so many boys. Particularly when you discount the ones out there singing along to Journey in their parents' cars. Alvin would undoubtedly get engaged within a year to a girl who speaks fluent Sports-talk and has a keen interest in popcorn making.

Daniel was rather enjoying meeting new people, noticing their quirks and personalities. If everyone has a gift, like Fliss with her creativity and Alvin's encyclopaedic sports knowledge, his would be observation. Not merely watching or being a bystander, but noticing the things that pass most people by, like the way one lad was obviously waiting for a friend to arrive, glancing at the door, watch and phone, or the difference in people's body language when President Jonathan was looming over their group, or the way one boy with aviator sunglasses had furtively snuck something into the hall in his jacket pocket. As I said, only Daniel noticed these things.

Daniel was also pleased to note, thinking of his parents, that nobody had yet asked him if he lived in a castle or if they have dentists in England (though sadly this did happen later). None of the others had been to the UK, so he thought about what he could tell them about home. In truth, there wasn't much to tell, because so much was alien to him in Utah that it would be impossible to encapsulate it in a few concise sentences, like when people ask returned missionaries, "So, how was your mission?" Who can really answer that, anyway?

Daniel's moment of introspection was cut short by a gale force wind, or rather the force of nature that is Gail. She was even more animated than usual – a few people looked worried whether she might knock someone over as she buzzed around. "Danny!" she cried, seizing him into an uncomfortable momentary hug and filling his nose with her hairspray.

"You two made friends quick," joked Alvin, but the moment was cut short by her boyfriend's face lurking, Frankenstein-like, at the other side of the door window-panes. The group were treated to a short history of the organization of the dance, its ups and downs, including the Beverage Crisis which had been solved by the timely arrival of some punch, which she insisted Jonathan go get for everyone. She also suggested that they have lunch the following day to welcome Dan into the neighbourhood.

Jonathan duly arrived with the punch. It smelled kind of funny, but, choosing the path of least resistance, everyone drank up, except Daniel who had deftly popped a mint in his mouth, providing a delay that might allow him to throw the drink away later.

Gail was having none of it. "Danny, seriously, you need to spit that mint out and try the punch! It's just gonna knock you dead!"

Suddenly there was a rush of screaming and gasping; the music stopped; and everyone piled into the hall to see what had happened.

"She fainted," Daniel heard a girl whisper loudly over the general noise in the crowd forming in the back of the hall. Peering over a shoulder, Daniel thought he saw a girl being helped up onto her feet, now seemingly recovered.

"I'm fine, really. It's just the shock – I haven't had an allergic reaction in years." Her voice was a touch lower than most girls', without being masculine; it was smooth like glass. When he got a glimpse of her, he could see why there had been such a fuss, and wondered if he was going to faint himself.

She was stunning – she was tall but not intimidatingly so, and she was slim and healthy-looking. Her blonde hair bounced with floaty curls, and her face was defined by bright blue eyes and a perfect smile. It was as though someone had gotten a professionally taken picture of a model, and then stuck it into a dim, blurry background shot of everyone and everything around her. Dan got that far in his thoughts and then his mind started to get fuzzy, which he didn't like. Bashful, he averted his gaze. To be fair to Daniel, even I am having trouble describing her, and I'm a disembodied omniscient narrator.

While Daniel was in a trance, Gail was looking at the punch bowl suspiciously. "This punch didn't look like this when I brought it in," she said, examining the bowl's contents, which were mostly a deep red with some darker, misty liquid slowly settling at the bottom. She covered her mouth momentarily, then pronounced:

"Our punch... has been tampered with!"

There were less gasps than Gail had probably expected from her dramatic delivery, but the blonde-haired angel quickly calmed the situation down.

"I'm allergic to aspartame," she said with her crystalline voice, "so, for example, I can't drink most diet sodas."

Daniel averted his eyes from the girl and his mind started working properly again. He leaned over to Felicity, who had arrived at his left. "If she was having an allergic reaction, surely her face would be all puffy and messed up?" he asked her in a whisper.

"That's surprisingly coherent reasoning for a man who's seeing Cara for the first time," she replied with a sigh. "That IS her 'puffy, messed up' face." A girl in thick hipster glasses and neon tights turned round, her eyes popping out with shock. "Her BLOATED face is better than my GOOD face. I used cucumbers and everything!"

Despite repeated protestations, a phalanx of awestruck young men escorted the girl called Cara out to the comfy armchairs in the corridor. Meanwhile, Gail was continuing her investigation into the affair of the punch. After some choice words with one young man in particular, it was ascertained that the punch had been 'spiked' – if you can call it that- with a famous cola drink called Schmo- oh, forget it, some Coke had been put in the bowl for kicks. Mainly to see how Gail and Jonathan would react, probably. In fact, Gail was relieved that it hadn't been anything 'harder'.

"Oh, Jon," she said, "I was so scared it might have been coffee- or worse. The shock is just TOO MUCH, I think I'm going faint." Daniel doubted that Gail fainting would draw quite as much attention as Cara did.

The music was reinstated and the rest of the evening passed uneventfully. Most of the males in attendance were more subdued than usual, and the females were more grumpy than usual. Daniel met some more ward members, hung out with Alvin and Fliss, and got a ride home with Brendan at the end of the night. Brendan's car was an old Ford that he'd installed a new sound system in, then taken out again when he realised the retro value of using a tape deck and cassettes. "I'll put something on, shall I?" asked Daniel, reaching for the power button. "No, wait, I need to-" began Brendan, but it was too late – as they left the parking lot, the other young adults were treated to the opening strains of Your House by Alanis Morrissette. "I LISTEN TO IT IRONICALLY!" he yelled out the window to a station wagon full of girls.

On the way home, Daniel looked out of the window at the passing houses and reflected. He was afraid that after years of wishing he could have a real group of friends in the Church, he'd find that he didn't really fit in, that his parents were right and he'd just want to go home and drop his ideas of serving a mission or even being fully committed to being LDS. Gail certainly fit with what his parents had been saying; Jonathan, too. But then there were other people, like Alvin, Fliss and Brendan, who he really thought he might get along with well. If they were interested in him, that is.

That night, Dan was awoken a few times by what sounded like a wounded buffalo calling for help. Falling back asleep, he wondered if Brendan was having a nightmare about being caught at an Alanis Morrissette concert by Cara and Fliss. In fact, Brendan was having the same nightmare over and over again during the night. It was like Groundhog Day - literally. Every time he fell asleep, he dreamed that he was the groundhog Punxsutawney Phil and someone was pulling him out of a box, he would see his shadow and then jump to the ground and burrow to the centre of the earth. This was the cause of his moaning.

Chapter 2: Clean-up in Aisle Seven

The next day Daniel woke up refreshed, his body clock now recovered from the jetlag of the trip over the Atlantic. He showered, got dressed, ate breakfast and was reading the back of the cereal box when Brendan emerged from his lair looking dishevelled. In fact, he was about as far from hevelled as you can get.

"Good morning," said Dan brightly. "I see you caught up on your beauty sleep."

Brendan made a noise and sat down. He rubbed his eyes, then his hands, then his eyes again. "My fingertips are, like, buzzing for some reason. It's kind of painful." His hair was all over the place and Dan couldn't believe how much his stubble had grown since eight hours before. "I know I had the weirdest dream, but I can't remember it all. Something to do with Bill Murray, I think." He got up and started rummaging through the cupboards.

"Interesting. You remember we are meeting up with the others in about half an hour, right?" asked Dan.

"Oh, shoot, man – are we having lunch straight away or what? I'm famished."

Daniel shook his head. "Fliss was talking about making our own pasta or something. They're coming here to check what kitchen utensils we have that they might need, then we're all going to the shop for ingredients. Not sure if they want to cook here or at Fliss'."

"It'll be a while before we eat, then. I have a real craving for bacon with maple syrup." The thought repulsed Dan, but when he eventually tried it a few months later, he liked it.

"You might want to think about showering, too," suggested the Brit, "you probably broke into a cold sweat during your Alanis Morissette/Bill Murray nightmare, right?" He dodged a flying noodle seasoning packet Brendan threw over his shoulder as he left.

Fifteen minutes later, Jonathan arrived. "You know what the Brethren say, if you're not early you're late!" said Jonathan, whose hair and lack of facial hair looked precisely the same as the other two times he had met him. This was a stark contrast with Brendan, who had gone from "student" to "rock band" to "Mowgli" in less than 12 hours.

Daniel managed a fake laugh and let him in. They exchanged small talk, but Dan noticed that he was slightly on edge the whole time. It wasn't that he found the Elders' Quorum President intimidating, though he was impressively tall. It was more that he appeared to put a dampener on the atmosphere whenever he was around, and particularly when he spoke. Everything was serious, even the most trifling or frivolous of topics. It was as though he was operating on a different frequency, or someone was flicking channels between a sitcom and a Mitt Romney speech.

Soon after, Gail and Felicity arrived and Alvin texted Brendan to say he'd meet them at the store. In the front room, the conversation turned to the dance of the night before, and Gail was convinced that she, like Cara, had been affected by the punch.

"Since I woke up this morning my heart rate has been through the roof," said Gail theatrically, her eyes darting around the room. "I think the caffeine is really getting me."

Nobody was convinced, so Gail changed tack. "Or maybe, I'm just freaked out by my dream last night. It was about one of those cheese rolling parties you have over there in Europe," (she looked at Daniel), "and I was running on top of a big ball of cheese as it came down the hill, and it snowballed bigger and bigger, and then it turned into the Earth and I was making the Earth spin around," she explained breathlessly.

Is there anything worse than people telling you about their dreams, wondered Dan.

"That's funny, because I had a weird dream last night too – except I was building a life-sized Salt Lake Temple out of Willow Tree figurines. It was fascinating." Fliss glazed over, her hands moving as if she was trying to recreate it.

Dan got up, stretched and suggested they go out now. Brendan emerged from his bedroom, his hair under control in a trucker cap and one of his hands bandaged. "Are you OK?" asked Jonathan.

He mumbled, "Cut myself clipping my fingernails," and went into the kitchen. Daniel later learned that he had gone to put some packets of bacon into his backpack.

At the "Harmons"' supermarket at the end of the street, things started to get strange: Brendan's fingernails had broken through his bandages, and were three inches long and pointy. Someone would have to drink a lot of milk to grow their nails that fast.

Something strange was happening with Gail, too. She looked as if her head was going to implode, and Dan was unable to understand her, she was speaking and gesturing and moving around so fast. When she said she the caffeine must have been affecting her, maybe she was speaking the truth. Maybe it was psychosomatic. Whatever it was, it meant she was moving around too fast for disgruntled Brendan so early on a morning.

Brendan closed his eyes with frustration. "Will you please chill out and STOP for a minute?" he half-yelled, swinging his hands outwards and knocking over a big pyramid of soup cans with his oversized fingernails. This only frustrated him further.

Daniel, trying to defuse the situation, stopped a few cans from rolling with his feet. But when he turned round to put them back in some kind of a pile, Felicity had already rebuilt the pyramid and topped it with a decorative ribbon.

It had literally been seconds since Brendan had knocked the cans to the ground.

"How the freak did you do that? Did anyone see what just happened?" Daniel asked, but Brendan was rubbing his eyes and Gail was still buzzing around like a psychotic bee in a jar. In a cement mixer. On a bumpy street. Jonathan was puzzled by something. "Where did the ribbon even come from?"

"I'm, uh, not sure," said Fliss, who looked a little dazed. "I was imagining how I would have arranged the cans and before I knew it, my hands had done exactly what I'd imagined. Let me see if I can do the same thing again."

"OhyayI'dliketoseeyoudoitAGAIN!" cried Gail, and knocked the pyramid flying even worse than before. This attracted the attention of a member of store security, but within seconds Fliss had rearranged it, this time into a statue-like representation of a swan. Daniel wondered if he was hallucinating.

"That was AWESOME! You've got, like, SUPER POWERS!" came a familiar voice from the doorway. Alvin walked in with his jaw hanging right off. "I saw the whole thing. I can't believe it."

"I agree, this is a strange yet thrilling development that we should consider thoroughly," mused Jonathan.

Dan felt as if a bucket of water had been thrown on him – for a moment he'd found these bizarre occurrences exhilarating, but somehow hearing President Jonathan endorse it had taken all the fun out. "Gail, why don't you run and find the manager. I'm sure he'd love to employ Fliss as a visual merchandiser, ha ha ha."

Gail squealed. "Run? What a great idea, burn some energy, race you to the cash desks Felicity!"

This gave Gail the excuse that she needed to indulge her hyperactivity. She rocketed down the aisle, bouncing off the shelves like a pinball and knocking items haphazardly onto the ground.

"I'd better pick those up," said Felicity, and before anyone could say anything Felicity was off, picking up every single item from the floor and immediately rearranging them into cutesy yet impressive configurations. This was the point at which Daniel wondered if it really was only Coke that had been put in the punch – then realised that he hadn't drunk any. He pinched himself, but nothing happened (other than his arm hurt). This is real, he thought, something has happened and now Gail and Fliss are doing superhuman things. And if I'm ever on Supermarket Sweep I want Gail on my team.

Just as the group were trying to understand the mind-bending truth that Gail had suddenly become as fast as an Olympic athlete but as destructive as a herd of toddlers, and that Fliss could build anything out of anything so long as the result was chic, the situation turned even more surprising.

A car pulled up right in front of the store and four figures jumped out, holding firearms and baseball bats and their faces covered by balaclavas.

The security guard, already confused at the events unfolding within the store, reacted too slowly and was instantly bludgeoned by one of the robbers while the other three ran towards the cash desks. Jonathan, Daniel, Brendan and Alvin all froze with fear - then realised that Gail and Fliss were running right into the firing line.

The robber who had just knocked out the security guard was now keeping his eyes on the four young men. His eyes were wide open and jumping from one of them to the next, and particularly on Jonathan. He must have realised that if it were not for his gun, the tall guy in chinos would have been fairly capable of giving him a good beating. Unfortunately, even with the other three for backup, the firearm meant Jonathan could do nothing to stop him.

Suddenly, a female voice screamed, and in the same instant that the robber looked sideways to peer past the shelves of Special Offers, Brendan jumped onto him, taking his opportunity to wrap his body around the man's upper torso and started scratching his eyes and face with his freaky claws.

Struggling, the robber kept hold of his weapon and tried to point the barrel into Brendan's side, but Alvin had grabbed a bag of cashews. Swinging his arm like a baseball pitcher, the Chilean-American sports fanatic threw the packet with immense power and precision into the man's crotch, propelling him to the floor and flinging the firearm underneath the shelves. The robber rose painfully to his knees and moved towards his gun – and was flattened again by a watermelon that Alvin slam-dunked into the back of his head. Brendan helped Alvin pin the bruised man to the floor and stop him shouting for his associates.

"You two go check on the girls!" shouted Alvin. Daniel and Jonathan nodded and quietly made their way to the back of the store.

Daniel's mind was racing. What he had seen was maybe not entirely impossible, but certainly superhuman on the part of an average sports fan and an online gamer. If, similarly to Gail and Fliss, Jonathan had also gained enhanced physical abilities, what would they be? The most extreme thing about Jonathan was his blandness. Logically, of course, they should be waiting for the authorities to arrive, but nothing that had happened in the last fifteen minutes had been logical.

Reaching the last aisle, Dan looked around the corner to see that the girls and the rest of the customers huddled in the corner with two men pointing their weapons at them – one with a shotgun, the other with a baseball bat and small handgun. The final robber was emptying the cash drawers and yelling for the safe combination. Once again, they would need the element of surprise, and Daniel had an idea of how to create a distraction. Daniel had an idea of how to get one

Dan motioned to Jonathan to start pushing over one of the shelves, then rammed it with a shopping trolley full of root beer cans and large barrel-like containers of chili (probably a single man's idea of food storage), causing hundreds of packets, cans and boxes to come crashing down in a grocery avalanche. This caused chaos, with customers diving for cover behind cash desks and the robbers firing warning shots into the air. The gang appeared rattled and Daniel perceived that if they were going to get violent with customers, they would have already done so by now – they were hoping for an easy job with no chance of getting done for murder.

Fliss got the picture. She whispered to Gail and then, moving like a pink whirlwind, started wrapping plastic wrap over and over between two cash desks, creating a smooth plasticky surface. She then scattered glitter over it and signalled to Gail. Gail jumped onto the plastic wrap like a trampoline and bounced towards the men, flying like a screaming, glittery cannonball. She smashed two unsuspecting robbers into the wall and cartwheeled towards the last one, who tried to dodge to the side but he was too late to stop the hyperactive Mormon smashing into him full force. Grabbing his firearm, he cocked it and pointed it at Gail's face.

"Tell me why I shouldn't!" he shouted, rubbing glitter out of his eyes. (Glitter is like girly sand – it gets everywhere and makes whatever it touches look feminine. But I digress.)

Jonathan, standing on a small mound of crackers, piped up in a commanding voice, and all of a sudden Daniel realised what a magically enhanced Jonathan would be able to do. He spoke and the drama in the atmosphere was replaced by dull disappointment. "You gave it your best try, guys. Well done, but it's over."

The robbers seemed to wilt with shame, dropping everything and taking their balaclavas off. "Lanky over there is right. We suck at this," said one. The one who had the gun on Gail lowered his weapon, then apologized for creating such a bad plan in the first place. The robbers, giving up on their operation, stood there and bickered until the police arrived to handcuff them and take them away.

As the young single adults wondered why they had intervened, and if it had all really happened how they thought it did, they heard customer after customer tell police how a few young people had disarmed the robbers and convinced them to give themselves up. Some of them recounted the events accurately, others vaguely and one man was convinced he had led the charge against the robbers himself. Jonathan and Gail told the police what had happened (in general terms), but asked for anonymity, preferring not to have to answer questions about trampolines made of plastic wrap. They were silent on the way back to Daniel and Brendan's apartment. Daniel was processing it all.

"You all drank the punch, and something has happened to you all overnight. I don't know how, and frankly I can barely believe it's true, but you all acted in there like – well, like superheroes. Maybe not Superman or the Avengers, but definitely not just normal people. No offence intended." Daniel started to voice his theory. "It seems each of you has had a characteristic of your personality exaggerated, beefed up somehow." His head was hurting with all the new information.

Brendan had put some sunglasses on despite now being inside. "I wanted to just burrow down under all those shelves and hide away." His fingernails were now at least four inches long and very sharp. "I feel like Wolverine, except, like, a wussy sloth version." He excused himself and went to his room.

"So if we are turning into exaggerated versions of ourselves, why is Brendan growing claws?" asked Alvin.

"Yeah, I'm still working on that one" replied Daniel. "Fliss obviously is naturally creative, so she's supernaturally creative now, and Gail is, uh, Enthusiastic, even more so than before, as we saw back there."

After all the excitement Gail had actually calmed down sufficiently to be understandable when she spoke. "I know people say I get hyper easily, but it's never been this extreme." She gasped. "I wonder how many other people have been affected by the punch. I mean, it was delicious, so I bet it was really popular."

There was an awkward silence. Everyone knew there were likely very few other people who had taken more than a sip. "I mean, I know there was some left over, but –"she gasped again, this time clapping her hands to her face. "I still have some! Bishop said it wasn't a big deal, but I thought we might want to test it, you know, if Cara got worse, to see if it was just Coke in there."

"I want some" said Dan quietly. Everyone looked at him.

"It might be dangerous, Daniel," warned Felicity. "None of us knew what we were doing when we drank it."

"But if we are going to figure out what this means, I want to be a part of it. I'm good at solving puzzles and realising things before other people. Maybe if I get a power, or whatever this is, it'll help you all know what has happened and how to reverse it, if you want to." Daniel started out tentative, but knew he was making sense. The others had done a great job in the supermarket, but it was chaotic and dangerous and spur-of-the-moment. They could have been killed. He knew they needed an incisive mind as well as Alvin's sports-based skills and Jonathan's powers of demotivation. But most of all, Dan suddenly had a group of friends and he didn't want to be left out.

"I agree with Daniel. Let's all stick together." Alvin put his arm round Daniel, then tried to pull Gail in as well, but she resisted. He laughed. "Whatever we are," said Alvin, "we're one awesome team. Now, let's go make you drink some Coke-tinged punch which contains a possibly dangerous mind-altering substance!"

He paused.

"Yeah, when you say it like that I guess it does sound dangerous."
Chapter 3: Words of Wisdom

After acquiring the remains of the punch from Gail's apartment, the group went and sat in the park, mulling over the events of that morning and eating the food they'd gotten for free from the manager of the supermarket as a thank-you gift. Daniel didn't need super powers of deduction to realise most of it was going out of date soon. Wanting to avoid a scene, he drank the mysterious cocktail without ceremony. Thinking about it later, he was stupid to expect instant results – everyone else had drunk it on the evening, had crazy dreams and then started to exhibit symptoms the next day.

The newly discovered superheroes were still in shock from their heroic escapades. They were discussing their powers, if 'discussing' is an appropriate term for 'talking to themselves about themselves and not really listening to each other'.

"So, I think the claws thing is because I always used to hang out in my parents' basement, playing video games and stuff," said Brendan as he popped a bag of Cheetos open with a claw. Now that they had fully grown, Brendan could retract them so it looked as though he had very pointy, shiny nails.

"You don't see the daylight much nowadays either from what I've seen", teased Daniel.

"My power is being similar to some sort of nocturnal animal, I suppose. A groundhog, or a mole, even. It could be worse; at least I didn't turn into Flamingo Man or something." This gave Daniel a hilarious yet scarring mental image.

Gail was still repressing her hyperactivity. "So I'm thinking there already a lot of superheroes fighting crime. Maybe we should fight for cheaper parking at the mall. I think that'd be really worthwhile for a lot of people, you know."

Alvin said, "For a superhero team we definitely have a weird range of abilities. I'm still not sure if my power consists entirely of throwing foodstuffs and jumping high."

Fliss remarked that she was just glad she didn't mutate like Brendan, and if the effects never wore off she would have a bright future as a wedding planner/decorator. Everyone agreed with this.

Since no-one had died or gotten sick, they gradually became less worried and more relaxed about their situation. They tried to get Brendan to burrow a tunnel in the ground, but he refused. "I may be part rodent, but I do still have some dignity. Besides, I have to have the impulse to do it. " He took a sip from a leather hip flask hung at his waist, like he was a dwarf warrior sipping mead or something.

Gail leaned over and took a whiff. "Is that pancake mix....and meat?"

"Bacon and maple syrup, blended. It makes me feel powerful. Like we could take on anything!" he shook his fist at the clouds menacingly.

Then Dan looked to his left and was surprised to see a man in a tree aiming a rifle at him. He heard a cork popping and noticed a fluffy dart in his leg. It was pretty. Not as pretty as Cara, though. He fell asleep.

Daniel dreamed about radioactive spider bites, and Kryptonite, and cult British superhero Bananaman. He dreamed about Poirot, and every "flawed genius" figure from TV, like Dr. House and the guy from Numb3rs. Then he dreamed that he was about to pull the curtain back to reveal who the Wizard of Oz was, but that every time he did, he was distracted by the sound of his parents calling on Skype. Boop-beep-boop, boop-boop. The beeping became more monotonous, as if it were an alarm clock, and Daniel woke up.

An alarm clock was going off, but it was wrong; what had been a dream and what was real? Someone turned on the light and Daniel was not at home in his bed, he was somewhere he had not been before. He was in a bunk bed in a large, dull room, still fully dressed in the same clothes. He heard Brendan's 'dying buffalo' noise coming from the bunk beneath him; he could see Alvin too, and Jonathan, and, slightly embarrassingly, Gail and Fliss, all waking up on metal bunk beds.

Daniel pinched himself again, but he was in the real world now. He cast his mind back to try to remember what had happened. He remembered the dance – arriving on foot, meeting people, Gail bringing them punch, the beautiful blonde girl collapsing. Then he remembered the trip to the supermarket, the gradual revelation of the superhuman powers his friends had exhibited – and that he had decided to join them.

Were we arrested, or hospitalized, or kidnapped, Daniel wondered. He climbed down from the bed and almost fell off the bunk, his head was still woozy. Feeling his leg, he remembered the tranquilizer dart. So, that rules out "hospitalized". From the looks of Brendan's facial hair it was now Sunday morning. Whatever else might happen today, Daniel was confident he would not be attending his regular Sunday meetings at his new ward.

The door opened and a man in a white coat with small silver glasses and white hair entered the room flanked by two bodyguards. The other lads - Brendan, Alvin and Jonathan - tried to jump to their feet, as if to defend themselves, but were still groggy and therefore not very threatening. The bodyguards snorted.

The professor-like man cleared his throat and started speaking to them in a whiny nasal tone. "Before I explain anything, first let me apologize profusely for the way you've been brought in here. You're under the protection of the US government, and the method of bringing you here was for your own protection as well as to protect national security interests." Gail gasped, Alvin and Brendan gave a collective "Wha?"

The man took a breath and continued. "You will have noticed some strange goings-on recently. This isn't cause for alarm; while you were unconscious we took some blood from all of you and it you all appear to be healthy." He smiled, as if this made it OK to kidnap them.

Condescending or what,thought Daniel.

Gail tried to speak, but was interrupted. "Please, this will be simpler if you allow us to explain first before answering questions. You will of course be free to leave whenever you choose, but I strongly recommend you hear us out first. These gentlemen will show you where shower, laundry and breakfasting facilities are in the complex, and in an hour and a half I will return with the other people behind this program to explain how this all came about and what we propose to do now. By the way, you can make phone calls, but if anyone discloses any part of what is happening today, including your powers, we will have to confiscate your phones and there may be legal ramifications also."

"So that means no 'Brendan Akerfeldt is totally a superhero' status update, then," joked Jonathan. Nobody laughed; it was too soon for humour, especially coming from Jonathan.

The man in the white jacket and glasses left and the agents took the group on a small tour of the facility. They were obviously in some kind of government or military base, thought Daniel, but he was relieved to see that his phone still had signal, meaning he wasn't on an oil rig or in the middle of the desert or on the Moon. Jonathan was holding tight onto Gail, but the doctor or professor who had addressed us earlier seemed so far from dangerous that curiosity was much higher than fear in the list of emotions running through Alvin, Felicity, Daniel, Gail, Brendan and Jonathan.

They decided that since privacy and modesty were evidently not very high on the agenda here, the lads would go have breakfast while the girls showered and got dressed and vice versa. Brendan, still wearing sunglasses, was most comfortable with the arrangements since according to him the breakfast and accommodation was at least as good as that of the Provo MTC. Jonathan reluctantly agreed. Alvin, meanwhile, looked paler and quieter than usual. Daniel remembered that he was some years younger than the others, but his personality usually covered that up. Right now, though, he looked anxious.

"Why do you think they brought us here? Are we in trouble?" said Alvin.

Brendan was munching on Life cereal. "It doesn't seem like it. Maybe they want to know how we stopped the robbery. I mean, we did take out four armed criminals. That's awesome by any standards."

"We didn't quite 'take them out', Brendan, we just disarmed them and convinced them to stop," corrected Jonathan curtly.

"Well, the disarming was done by catapulting Gail into them, which isn't your usual way of dealing with theft. It sounds like we'll find out soon enough though." Daniel looked at Alvin. "But I agree with Brendan, I don't think we're in trouble." He hoped they weren't, at least.

They swapped over with the girls at the agreed time and went to shower themselves in the grotty changing facilities. They were all issued with grey jogging pants and sweatshirts to wear instead of their normal clothes. Thus freshened up, they were informed that they should report to a dank beige sports hall where some chairs had been set up and a Powerpoint presentation was about to begin.

"This is totally taking me back to the mish," enthused Jonathan.

They sat down, their footwear squeaking against the floor. In front of them were three people: the man in the lab coat from earlier, a middle-aged woman with glasses and curly hair wearing a jacket and pencil skirt and an African-American man, also older, in some kind of military uniform, with a cane and a hearing aid. The latter stood up.

"Good morning and welcome to Facility 74. My name is Fairwether. I imagine you have a lot of questions. Let me assure..." he was cut off by Brendan.

"Why do our shirts say "Cheese" on them?" he asked.

The soldier stumbled a little bit. "Not the first question I thought you'd ask. CHEEZ stands for the CHaracteristic Enhancement Experimental Zone, which is the facility you'll be transported to later today for training if you choose to take part in the program. Miss Raine, please start the presentation."

A U.S. flag was projected onto the beige wall of the gymnasium. "The CHEEZ is part of a wider program of human-centred research and development based in DERPA, the experimental agency working for the Department of Defense." A near-indecipherable pie chart representing American defense spending replaced the flag. "As THE leading nation of the free world, we are at the cutting edge of scientific development. Old threats have been replaced by threats from biological, chemical and nuclear terrorism, as well as cyber warfare and industrial espionage." The projector threw up images of Soviet tanks, then 9/11, then a clip art picture of a computer and a factory. "Characteristic Enhancement is an umbrella term for nanotechnology, mental-computer interfaces and chemical-genetic engineering that aims to expand human abilities beyond the normal boundaries. In this case, you have been administered a chemical compound that selects a characteristic already present in your psyche and allows the body to respond to threats or, hopefully, mental training, by activating hidden physical or mental capacity. For political reasons this is being branded as super powers; as you have discovered, you are in this sense superheroes. But why? To explain, I'll now hand over to Dr Raine."

The spectacled lady took over. "My name is Doctor Isabelle Raine. I'm consulting for DERPA in the fields of public policy and sociology, and my job is to find ways to allow the Department of Defense to research and bring forward new technologies in ways that will improve the industry's image in the public eye. Incidents such as the abuse in Abu Ghraib have damaged public perceptions of the military and for many reasons the federal government has decided that this year there needs to be a significant announcement in this field that will capture the public's imagination, similarly to the 1969 lunar landings."

Being in an election year might also help, thought Daniel.

Dr Raine continued. "In the wake of a spate of superhero-themed films, the DoD commissioned research that showed that over 75% of the public would feel more secure if they believed that they were being protected by superheroes as well as the traditional armed forces. Words that they associate with superheroes include 'strong", 'powerful', 'noble', 'super' and 'pantyhose'. We want people to associate the military, and the USA on the world stage, with these words. Except 'pantyhose'."

Felicity put her hand up. "So what you're saying is, in future the army's gonna have superheroes? With powers like we have?"

"Not exactly. You have been administered an experimental drug which has somewhat erratic effects. When we can pinpoint which characteristics the treatment enhances, then that will be useful for actual combat. Your role is that of prototypes. Polls show that being a normal, everyday person is seen as intrinsic to the superhero archetype, so what we want you to do is act as figureheads, showing the direction the technology is going – as well as allowing us to observe how the drug acts on humans."

The professor was next. His slides were densely packed with information on the history and scientific basis for the project. He explained that the drug was put in a random can of Coke, in order to randomly choose the program's participants. The Coke was then tracked to its point of sale, which in this case was a gas station in Utah. Agents then made sure the drug was administered in a social environment, to affect several people (in other words they bribed someone to put it in the punch). All this, he said, was legal because of national security concerns. "Woo. Go, Patriot Act," muttered Felicity sarcastically.

Dan had concerns of his own. "How is it that some of the things we can do seem physically impossible, not just an extension of our normal human abilities?"

The professor nodded. "Yes, there's a simple explanation for that, which is..."

At that point everyone turned around because more people were entering the room. "Ah, yes, here's the final test subject. Please take a seat."

Daniel squinted. Walking towards them, agents at her side, was Cara, her long blonde locks floating above her shoulders. A CHEEZ sweatshirt had never looked so glamorous, and piano music started playing in Dan's mind. His face turned red, but he was reassured to find that he could still think clearly – was this the first sign of the drug working on him? Well, even if I don't turn into Stephen Hawking, at least I'll be able to count to ten while looking at Cara, he thought, proud of keeping it together but forgetting that he'd asked the professor a question. Apparently his super powers of concentration were partly cancelled out by Cara's government-enhanced hotness. He supposed he'd find out when they introduced themselves to each other at some point.

The military man, Fairwether, then explained that they had to decide whether they wanted to continue with the program, which would mean training, fighting, overcoming challenges, and possibly becoming a spokesperson for the program. It would be stepping into the unknown, but offered the chance to do something that had never been done before. They would be tested to see if the technology really offered something that could be used for military purposes or if it was simply an expensive novelty.

"So what you're saying is, this is going to be a time of trials and testing, a probationary period?" asked Jonathan enthusiastically.

"Yes, I suppose you could call it that," the soldier responded.

"In fact what you mean is that Adam fell that men might be and men are that the might have joy?"

"Son, I don't know what in the hell you're talking about, but I hope your powers are sharper than your logic." He continued the orientation, with the presentation now showing Uncle Sam pointing his finger at them. Dan supposed this would be more effective when aimed at an American audience who grew up pledging allegiance to the Stars and Stripes every day. In terms of emotional attachment, as far as he was concerned they might as well have used Ronald McDonald.

They were promised that there would be financial reward for undertaking the program, with compensation for anyone who opted to leave. Dr Raine was eager to point out that she had done extensive research into superheroes and that the training would be exciting and genre-appropriate (at this point, the other two organizers were bemused). Because one of them had unexpectedly taken the drug after they had been keeping track on the others, there was one more enrolled than they'd expected; but everyone had the right to stay on if they wished. It all seemed unlikely to Daniel.

Alvin, still pale, had been uncharacteristically quiet during the whole thing. "I think that this isn't for me. I want to leave," he said, to the surprise of the others. "My parents will be worried, and I don't want to jeopardize my mission preparation. I'm sure everyone will be fine without me."

Daniel tried to convince him to stay, but he shook his head. "I'm sorry, bro. If this had happened another time, I'd be excited. But things at home are too complicated for me to leave now." He was shown out unceremoniously by two agents. Daniel looked to the others. Gail and Jonathan would want to stick together; Fliss looked excited by the prospect. Brendan and Dan both had little to lose by seeing how this would pan out, and Cara had already signed up. She was defiant about something.

"Today's Sunday," she said to Dr Raine. "If you've done your research you'll know we don't want to work or train on the Sabbath."

"This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, Cara," whispered Gail in her not-very-quiet way. "You have to make allowances sometimes." Gail was clearly not overly fond of Cara.

"Can't you see that they need us?" Cara hissed back. "All their research and investment has gone into us. Two people have already refused, apparently. If they lose all of us, they lose a lot of money." She raised her voice. "We are willing to participate, but you have to respect our religious freedom too. If you help us, we'll be helpful back." This was clever thinking in the face of new information, but nobody noticed because a gentle breeze from an old ventilation unit was sweeping her blonde locks against her forehead like waves on a beach, or something.

The three organizers consulted each other. Dr Raine smiled. "OK, today you can have some time to meditate or pray or whatever you want to do, but this afternoon we'll be taking a flight to the CHEEZ itself, to commence training tomorrow morning. Questions?" The presentation had thrown up more questions than answers.

"Where are we?" asked Brendan.

"We can't disclose your location for security reasons," said Fairwether.

"Really? Because my phone GPS says we're in Colorado," said Brendan.

This time, Dr Raine was bemused and the others uncomfortable. The Defense spokesman said, "I can't confirm or deny that."

The others were apparently satisfied with this explanation, but for Daniel it didn't ring true. His disbelief must have been apparent by his body language, because just as they were leaving the hall, Fairwether took Daniel aside on his own.

"The situation here's a little different for you, son. Since you're a foreigner, and you have been privy to national security information, you don't have a choice whether you participate or not. Now, I can tell you're sceptical about the program. That's fine. But here's some words of wisdom for you: if you try to quit, or encourage the others to, hell, if you endanger this project in any way, you'll soon find out that being a guest of the Department of Defense is a damn sight better than being an enemy of the United States." His face was too close for comfort. "Play along and you'll get paid just like the others. Mess up, and you can't imagine the trouble you'll get yourself into. Remember, we'll be watching, and listening," he growled, tapping his hearing aid at the appropriate moment.

This had given Daniel a lot to think about, not least what would happen with Alvin. He mentally compartmentalized his concerns and went back with the other five. Whatever else may be false, I know for sure that we have super powers, he thought.

Dan started to consider what the six of them could achieve together. He looked at them all as if with new eyes – Brendan, the rodentlike one, Felicity the builder of colour-coordinated weaponry, Jonathan the demotivator extraordinaire, Cara the hypnotist of men, and the inimitable Gail, who was now leaning over to Brendan.

"Brendan, can I use your phone? I figure we'll still be in super-training and such on Tuesday so I'm gonna have to reschedule my Visiting Teaching."

Daniel started laughing. After years of reading comic books and watching films about superheroes with skin like steel, who save humanity from aliens and evil geniuses, would the world be ready for six Mormon superheroes?
Chapter 4: Bacon double CHEEZ

It was fortunate for the super-team that they had experienced Facility 74 before their new home at the Characteristic Enhancement Experimental Zone itself (which Brendan referred to as the CHEEZburger) because it had set the bar of their expectations really low. They fully expected a rickety plane journey to some other anonymous hole in the ground with grimy showers and spartan living arrangements.

As it happened, the plane was comfortable and judging by the length of the flight and the fact they'd seen the ocean, the group figured they were almost certainly in California; apparently now that they had officially signed themselves up, they were going to be treated somewhat better. While Fairwether was in charge, Dr Raine was by far the most congenial of their leaders and outlined a few things about what lay in store for them; she made it sound like the CHEEZ was a heavily guarded luxury hotel.

"Dr Raine, it all seems very nice, but if we're here of our own choice why all the secrecy and security arrangements?" asked Felicity innocently. Since Cara's challenge on the matter of the Sabbath, Fliss had become more confident.

"It's only a precaution. From the agency's point of view, you're valuable assets as well as personnel. Nobody wants a foreign power such as Iran to develop this technology – at least not without a substantial American head start. Your blood is carrying proprietary technology, in a sense."

Dr Raine arranged for a movie to be put on and took the opportunity to speak to Daniel. "I assume Fairwether has already spoken to you about your status on the program," she said, looking him in the eyes.

"Yes, he has," responded Daniel stiffly.

"He's spent a lot of time planning this and gets kind of intense when something seems to threaten the project. Once he sees you're not here to screw things up, he'll ease up."

Daniel shifted in his seat. "The way you have organized this, it all smells fake. I can't believe what you're telling us about the program is the whole truth."

Dr Raine didn't miss a` beat. "Look, this is the same agency that put elephants on LSD in the sixties just to see what happened, so anything is possible. When it comes to defense, it's all a little Alice in Wonderland." She patted him on the shoulder. "Just go with it and you'll be the first British superhero."

Just go with it. Play along. Dr Raine was nice, but Dan knew a good cop/bad cop routine when he saw one.

They transferred to a black minibus that took them to the boundary of the CHEEZ's secret location. It resembled a large barracks, but in fact once inside you could pass through a gate leading to the actual base itself, which was much more impressive. In front of the building was a large lawn, with a flagpole at the side of marble steps to the entrance, with a large darkened glass. It was, of course, heavily defended. They were subject to some quick checks, but their journey had evidently been tracked all the way from Colorado, so they were expected and prepared for.

Inside, Daniel was surprised to find that unlike their previous location, this complex reminded him somewhat of a hotel or a city-centre office. Fairwether informed them that this site had been used for many classified operations in the past, but was newly refurbished for this program. All the logistics and planning that had brought Daniel and the others to this point had taken place in this complex; somewhere here, Dan thought, there must be a photo of him pinned to a board with his personal details and a summary of his powers. He wasn't sure whether to smile or shudder.

Up a copper-coloured elevator to the third floor ("Participant Accommodation") and through a set of double doors, they were shown to their quarters. Each had their own separate sleeping quarters and ensuite bathroom, but unlike a hotel the rooms were attached to a large lounge. There was a well-stocked bookcase and a TV the size of a small car on the wall, but the man carrying their bags informed them that it wasn't hooked up to anything yet. In the middle of the room, leather couches and a coffee table. One minute they're shooting us with tranquiliser darts, the next they're giving us the five-star treatment? Daniel bottled up his feelings. If something dodgy was afoot, he'd soon find the evidence. He was an avid reader of Agatha Christie mysteries, in which there would usually be one hidden piece of information that, once discovered, unlocked the rationale behind all the inconsistencies and unanswered questions. He fancied himself the man to solve this puzzle.

The others were checking out the upholstery. "I can totally cope with this for a while!" said Gail, running her hands along the couch. "Do you like these in leather, Jon? I always preferred comfy fabric ones, but I guess we could put a big fluffy throw on one of these, you know, if we got one."

Jonathan cringed. Daniel wasn't sure what had done it: the thought of putting a big fluffy pink throw on a perfectly good sofa, or the fact that Gail was alluding to their married life though they were not engaged. It was the first time Daniel had witnessed any tension in their relationship. That said, they were far from being clingy in the first place.

As promised, training was not to start until the following morning, so the group had time to socialise over Chinese food before bed. Though he had said hi to Cara, they had never been properly introduced, since the first time he saw her was when she was having an allergic reaction at the dance, and was duly escorted away by eager young men. Daniel introduced himself.

"I'm Daniel, I'm meant to be starting a semester at BYU in September, and I study English and History at Sheffield University in England. But now, obviously, I'm here, so..." This was the first time a superhero had ever introduced himself to a superheroine, but it was likely to be the most awkward example for many years.

"I'm Cara, pleased to meet you. I'm in the middle of a research doctorate in Linguistics focusing on Inuit languages."

Daniel felt as though there were something he should be noticing or remarking on but all he could think of was "Don't say anything stupid. Don't say anything stupid."

After the usual brief pause, Cara carried on as if she'd not moments before announced she was more qualified than anyone else in the room. "This must be somewhat different from what you expected," looking around at their friends, one with claws and one making little tornadoes out of noodles.

"In a sense, it's kind of what I was worried about," Daniel confided. "I enjoy everyone's company, don't get me wrong. But you are all so different – from me and from each other, too, that I think I'll find it hard to fit in."

"You could always find some other superheroes to hang out with," joked Fliss from the other side of the playing card Taj Mahal she'd built on top of the other Taj Mahal she'd built with paper towels.

"You fit in just fine," said Jonathan. "Fitting in doesn't necessarily mean being exactly the same as everyone else. You have to have your individuality."

Gail snorted, scattering a few grains of rice over the coffee table and Fliss' creations.

"Jonathan, pleeeze. You're a great guy, but you're hardly a rebel against conformity yourself. You were born and bred in Happy Valley like the rest of us, Danny excepted of course."

Jonathan was being serious, but in a different way from normal. He was opening up a little. "I know people see me as Peter Priesthood, but I've not always been this way. I haven't told you this, Gale, but when I was a teenager I went pretty far away from the Church. That's why I went on my mission at 20."

Gail was shocked. "What turned you around?"

He had everyone's attention. Evidently Daniel wasn't the only one who had assumed Jonathan had been born wearing a conservative suit.

"One day I overheard my little sister Amy talking with my Mom. She was asking about why missionaries and men in the Church in general wear white shirts, and my Mom was explaining it was kind of like a uniform. She said, 'Is it a uniform how all Jonathan's friends wear the same black t-shirts and have nose rings?' And that was the moment I realised I'd wanted to be different but had ended up being a clone of some other guy. That made me really question who I was and who I wanted to follow. So that's why I came back to Church. Now the challenge is to be true to myself AND not be a wet blanket. Unless I need to for the purposes of kicking butt and fighting evil." He did a karate pose and tried to crack his fortune cookie open with his hand, but failed miserably.

"You wanna let the guy with claws have a pop at that?" offered Brendan.

Gail meanwhile looked a little offended at her 'boyfriend'. "How come you've never talked about this before?"

"Sometimes people believe that new converts or people who have been less active are somehow more 'credible' in their testimonies than other people, but I don't want to brag about straying from the Church just to look more righteous." Jonathan sat back in his chair. "Plus, I don't really enjoy talking about it; I thought it'd help Daniel if I shared." He glanced at Gail.

Dan smiled and thanked him. It had obviously been painful for Jonathan to step out of his invincible persona a little. "That was really kind of you," said Felicity, and Daniel noticed a very short 'moment' between them, but Gail apparently didn't. The slight awkwardness was rescued by Brendan, who changed the subject by accidentally breaking several glasses.

"Curse these rodent hands", he raged.

Once it was cleaned up, they asked Daniel more about his family and friends, his life back at home which seemed distant, a dream he'd had once. Between conversations about British English and American English differences with Cara and playing Uno, he looked into the others' eyes, trying to detect any hint that they too were wondering what the real meaning of it all was, but the attempt yielded nothing.

The following day confirmed the impression Daniel and the others had, namely that the CHEEZ was much better resourced than the beige hellhole in Colorado they'd first learned about the program. After getting dressed (in their CHEEZ garb, again) and eating breakfast in their communal lounge, they were escorted downstairs to one of several conference rooms. On their way they saw several staff, some younger and scruffier, some more business-like. So far none were in the full military regalia like Fairwether wore. They clearly recognised the superheroes, but didn't talk to any of them.

The meeting in the conference room was not with anyone they recognised, but with an athletic-looking flat-topped man called Blake (Dan wasn't sure if it was his first or last name), who explained that he was their head training instructor. He'd worked with sections of the military Daniel hadn't even heard of, and if necessary could most likely rip trees out of the ground with his teeth while bench-pressing a brick factory.

Their training would be "holistic" and "tailored to the individual", Blake explained. "My job is to get the best out of you – and I will leave no stone unbroken to find that best!" he said somewhat ungrammatically. He gave them all schedules, colour-coded according to what they'd be doing. "Break a leg!" he said as they left to attend their first session in the gym, where the training team would be trying to catalogue their powers.

A strong-looking Latino woman with a ponytail was in charge of the session. "I'm pretty much a learning-on-the-job kind of person, so instead of sitting and talking about what powers you have, I'm just gonna let you loose one at a time and see what happens. Over at the other end of the gym," – her voice reverberated around the hall, which was full of all kinds of equipment and materials, to the extent that the other end was not visible, "there is a green basketball. You will retrieve the basketball, using your powers."

Brendan gave an 'unimpressed' face. Sounds easy enough, thought Daniel. Too easy, maybe.

The instructor continued, "Since your powers are usually triggered in the heat of the moment, some of the other instructors and staff are going to be trying to stop you. There are also physical barriers to overcome, so you can use whatever kind of ability the Characteristic Enhancement has given you." She pointed at Gail. "You first. On my second whistle."

She blew her whistle and the floor squeaked as CHEEZ instructors in their red polo shirts and black shorts came in and distributed themselves throughout the hall, many of them going behind large barriers further down the hall. They whistled back to signal their readiness. Gail, who had been shaking since entering the hall, was off like a shot.

The woman in charge was exasperated. "I said my second whistle, not the second whistle!"

Gail's sheer speed was a distinct advantage, one compounded by how she zigzagged when she ran. Unlike Alvin who had dropped out, Daniel didn't know much about sports, but he did know that American football players don't run in the way Gail did.

Breezing past the first few people, she reached the first of a series of walls, set up to make narrow corridors so you had to run through them like Pac-Man. Daniel couldn't see the whole thing, but Gail ran up onto the wall and ran along it sideways. Thus escaping the walls, she ran straight into the arms of an especially beefy guard, but slipped out of reach and rebounded off the floor and over two more guards. She could see the green ball, up on a pile of boxes, not far away – but as she cartwheeled towards the pile she found herself stuck in a large spider's web of sticky cables. Sensing weakness, the redshirted staff moved in for the "kill".

Gail, unwilling to give up without expending all her energy, started to spin, but only wrapped herself up further. The guards started laughing. Then one noticed that the bolts holding the sticky cables to the ceiling were bending. Foaming at the mouth, Gail continued writhing and the web collapsed, knocking out a box at the base of the pile and causing the ball to wobble and fall, sticking limply to the Gail-shaped ball of cables.

"Woo! I won! That does count, right?" yelled Gail.

"No, you didn't physically touch the ball. Sorry. Next!" The instructor motioned for the staff to extricate Gail from the web and find some way to reattach it to the ceiling; they settled for attaching it to the pile of blocks.

Fliss was up next. Rather than follow Gail's lead of hurtling towards the target like a heat-seeking banshee, Felicity darted to the side of the gym and grabbed some stretchy bands, weights and other assorted fitness equipment. In a flash she had done her magic and threw a pink polka-dot grappling hook over the wall and was pulled over it by the stretchy rubber rope she'd attached to it.

"Do you even have any pink equipment here?" Jonathan asked the instructor. She shook her head.

Reaching the top of the final wall, she weaved the rope together into a parachute and floated, Mary Poppins-like, to the pile of blocks; delicately, she tiptoed up and grabbed the ball. There had been zero resistance.

Jonathan's turn was next. He closed his eyes, preparing himself mentally. He walked resolutely towards the endgoal, when two instructors crept up towards him. Looking them in the eye and giving a big grin, he extended his hand. "Hi! I'm President Gest, how ya doing?"

An invisible force field of seriousness formed around Jonathan. The guards stopped in their tracks, mumbled something and looked away, literally losing the will to carry out their objective. He carried on, as if walking through the park. One smart instructor closed his eyes and ran at him, but the EQP stepped to the side and gave him a "friendly" slap on the back that sent him sprawling. "Go ahead and grab the ball for me," he asked, and the man, grumbling and evading eye contact, reluctantly retrieved the ball for him.

"Hmm, impressive psychological powers but little in the way of physical enhancement," noted the head instructor. Daniel was dreading his turn – he wasn't even certain he'd gained powers other than not going off the deep end with shock.

Next she sent out Brendan. His request that the lights be switched off was denied, so he grabbed a sweatband and pulled it over his eyes. Scratching past a guard, he swan-dived into the first wall and dug right through it, then burrowed underground and emerged in front of the fourth and final wall.

"That last one's steel-reinforced," huffed the instructor. "There's no way he's going to break the fourth wall. That's just impossible."

"Yeah, the person reading this book just won't accept it," said Daniel, motioning towards you. The instructor glared at him. But, dear reader, the fourth wall was broken, and Brendan dug for victory.

Cara, like Daniel, entered the lion's den with trepidation; straightening her posture, she started walking quickly. The first wave of guards approached, but the men among them, mentally enfeebled by the mere sight of her, started moving in slow motion; she batted them away like flies. One, however, was a woman, who with a feline hiss pounced on Cara, knocking her to the ground. It was a cat fight.

"Clear your mind!" shouted Fliss.

"Ow! Stop it!" shouted Cara as the woman tried to pin her down and claim the win. Shoving her hand into the instructor's face to stop her screaming back, she closed her eyes, took a breath, and started levitating off the ground.

"I always thought she walked as if she was floating," remarked Daniel to Brendan, who nodded, agape.

As Cara drifted towards the ceiling, the unlucky guard was clinging to her leg, at first trying to pull her back down and call a halt to the exercise, then just hanging on for dear life. Mercifully, Cara let her down on the sticky web and gracefully picked up the basketball.

Now it was all about Daniel. But Daniel solved puzzles, and this wasn't a puzzle, it was a rugby match with added barriers. "You're up, Brit. Remember, even Captain Boring here has a physical ability, so no excuses."

Stepping up, Daniel closed his eyes and, following Fliss' advice to Cara, tried to clear his mind. In his mind, a blueprint of the layout of the hall came to him, and he saw the paths and movement of the guards, the places Brendan had burrowed through the walls, and knew exactly when the guard was going to jump on him.

"Oof!" The impact expulsed the air from Dan's lungs. The girl who had just got an airlift from Cara pinned him to the ground, her sweat dripping on his face. She had exceedingly pointy knees. Daniel had failed spectacularly, but at least he knew he had a power.

"Well, that told us precisely nothing!" fumed the head instructor, pulling the near-rabid girl off Dan. She leafed through papers on a clipboard. "The drug is definitely active in your body, so you must have some ability."

"I... do.." Daniel panted. "I saw everything; the guard nearest the ball's left shoelace is untied, the ball is a Spalding and the best route would be left, then right, then through the walls, then left."

The instructor looked around. "Pretty good mental ability, but it didn't stop you getting pounded just now. We'll find what else you can do, don't worry."

They then discussed how they had known how to use their powers and talked about how with time, they'd gain better control and avoid Daniel's fate, or even Gail's. Their training as a group from then on would be mainly focused on fitness and tasks rather than training their individual powers, so they'd have one-on-one sessions to do that. Once they were ready, there would be a "challenge", an extended version of what they had just done, which they'd hear more about later.

That afternoon was their first trip to the part of the gym dedicated to physical fitness, which the instructors insisted was necessary despite their enhanced physical characteristics. "There's no use in being able to dig through rock if you can't run half a mile without stopping for a drink," one of them told Brendan. So they hit the treadmills and step machines, lifted weights and swam. Everything was planned to make sure each of them was working at their level. Even the meals were proscribed according to their fitness needs.

With the rigour of a daily schedule, and the worry of not being up to standard, Daniel thought less and less about his doubts regarding the program. When he was not eating, sleeping or exercising he was socialising with the other supertrainees. Though Gail had forgiven Jonathan for not being very open with him, it was plain to see that the couple were moving apart. Nobody commented on it, but just stopped making any reference to their relationship.

Cara was a peculiar case because the boys were still uneasy around her and the girls, especially Gail, were not really friends with her. Fliss was polite but didn't really scratch the surface. Daniel was less susceptible to her male-confounding aura than the others, and over time managed to be more normal in conversation with her. On the other hand, this progress was challenged by an awkward encounter one day after they had been exercising in the gym. They were the last to get back to their living area and Daniel was walking down the small corridor to his dorm room when Cara said loudly, "Daniel, you've got something in your eye." He started to check, but she grabbed him by the shoulder and turned him around, pulling him to the wall. She was right up in his face, her arm stretching across to the wall on one side and her gym towel over her other shoulder. This was scary and intense.

"Don't say anything, just listen," she whispered, her deep blue eyes glowing and skin glistening.

I can do that, thought Daniel.

"I know they've threatened you because you're sceptical, so I'll be quick. There are cameras in here. Don't move – I don't think they can hear us here," she whispered, and then in a loud voice, "No – it's in the other eye, it looks infected."

Cara started whispering again. "After dinner I'm going to do some drawing and I'll use my pencil to point out the cameras. I also overheard something about the challenge. They're going to put us in teams, but they're feeding information to one of the others so that you don't win. Keep your eyes open." She raised her voice again. "I was just trying to help!" She feigned storming off. Dan was shaking with adrenaline for some time after that.
Chapter 5: Trouble in Paradise

If there was a conspiracy against Daniel, not everyone was in on it. His instructors were even-handed and helpful, particularly his private coach Jeffrey who was focusing on his power development. The sessions took place in a small room with only yoga mats; Dan learned relaxation techniques and practised visualising buildings, people, and mazes. Jeff asked a lot about his friends, in the team and at home, trying to analyse what characteristics Daniel had and therefore detect any possible other powers. In that sense it hadn't been a success, but he was getting more able to switch off on demand and allow his brain to present the information he was requesting.

Despite this, he took Cara's warning seriously, since she had identified the cameras – and they were everywhere – and it soon emerged that, as she had said, the big challenge activity they were working towards would be team-based. Without even knowing who the teams would be, it was difficult for Daniel to work out who could be cheating, or why.

After about two weeks they had a particularly enjoyable training session where they practiced stealth techniques such as moving silently (difficult for Gail, who even when walking at normal speed tended to squeak when noticing something), looking around corners and using signs to communicate. The others were progressing well with their powers training: Brendan had found that he could see perfectly well in pitch darkness and that his hip flask of bacon purée gave him extra energy; Cara was stupefying men and enraging women at every opportunity; Fliss could build pretty much anything, so long as the end result was feminine and cutesy; Jonathan had discovered that by imagining himself 'looming' over people, he could stretch to double his height; and Gail could emit an ear-piercing shriek to disorientate opponents. Daniel was still in the dark about any other powers he might have, but was coming to terms with the possibility he might just be the mastermind of their group.

While on his way to personal training one day, there was a young guy in glasses hurrying down the hall in the opposite direction to Daniel, carrying folders and papers. In a flash, he realised he had an opportunity to maybe learn something. Pretending to check his watch, he shoulder-barged the lad, scattering papers all over the floor. Daniel dropped to the ground to "help pick them up". Rifling through them as fast as he could, he saw incomprehensible schematics, notes on lighting – and then, just as he disconsolately handed over the stack of papers, he noticed a short memo in the staffer's hand. Daniel continued walking, but, closing his eyes, mentally recalled the page.

This was what he could remember of the memo, which was from "Frank" to "Jerry and assts.",

"Tell everyone good work last night, and thanks for getting your titles back to me on time."

"Just spoke to Anne about ratings. Team all popular exept [sic] British kid, losing patience, need shake things up there, blonde girl excellent though. big push now for next stage, change and progression badly needed." Just as Daniel had mentally reabsorbed the memo, he walked straight into Blake, who was sadly not carrying papers ("Watch where you're going, pinhead!").

Questions swirled in Dan's consciousness. He knew they were being assessed, but what were these 'ratings' for, he wondered. They were losing patience and wanted to 'shake things up' – how would they do this? Who is Frank and why can't he spell "except"? He would have to look for an opportunity to talk to Cara about this, the thought of which gave him butterflies; it was slowly dawning on him that she was more than just a pretty face (most men never got to this stage). Daniel wasn't in the right frame of mind for meditation, that much was certain.

But developments would soon make it impractical for Daniel to speak to Cara.

The morning after the memo incident, at their group fitness session, they were finally given a full briefing on the challenge they were working towards. For some reason, it was not led by Blake but by a woman called Allison. Allison had a Scottish look about her, with curly ginger hair and freckles.

"Can I have Cara, Brendan and Felicity over here, please?" she asked. They obeyed.

"OK, these are the teams you will be working together in for the Team Challenge, and from now until then you'll be living and training separately, in order to build team spirit and allow you to plan," said the woman called Allison with gusto.

In order to drive us apart and stop me talking to Cara, more like, thought Dan.

"The challenge will take place in three days' time and it'll be an excellent opportunity to see how your training has affected your powers in a realistic but secure setting. It will take place in the basement, ground floor and outside areas of the CHEEZ – if you leave the outer walls of the compound you will be disqualified."

"You will be given a detailed plan for the scenario on the day, but the details you need now are what your team roles are. Cara, Brendan and Felicity, you are on the defensive team – you will have to take and keep something for a set period of time. You're the red team. Jonathan, Gail and Daniel, you're on the blue team and you'll have to retrieve it within the time limit." Even without any special help someone might be receiving, the teams seemed a bit unbalanced – Felicity would be able to build good defences and they didn't even have Brendan to dig through them; plus, Daniel knew that he and Jonathan were the least powerful in physical terms.

"We will be recording the whole challenge and it will form part of the proposal to be made to the DoD regarding expanding the program. So we're going the whole hog to make you into exciting, likeable superheroes that the public will be able to get behind. Remember, the more successful we are in securing funding, the more reward there will be for you, both financially and in fame. We're counting on you to really play the part."

So this is it, thought Daniel. This is why there have been so many people telling us to "play along" – they need us to convince their bosses we are real superheroes, not just a freak show. Although he found the idea bizarre, he could see the appeal, and compared with his worst fears – getting trained to kill like Bourne and dropped in Afghanistan – this was a relief.

But surely, thought Daniel, if they'd hand-picked participants it'd have been better than leaving it to chance? It felt to Daniel like seeing something in a slightly distorted mirror - almost right, but not quite. The world's not always logical, though, he thought.

Allison continued. "As part of this we've designed bespoke uniforms for you, according to your persona, some of them including tools or objects to help."

Cara piped up. "Do you mean superhero costumes? Because a 'uniform' would be us all wearing the same thing, like we are now."

Allison scowled. "They're not costumes because you're not dressing up as somebody. These are to you what a wetsuit is to a diver or camo gear is to a soldier. In fact, in your case, Jonathan," she looked at the EQP, "you will be in camo gear."

"Sweet," he said, his eyes glazing over with visions of himself as Rambo.

"To create an incentive for you to win, the winning team will go on an all-expenses-paid cruise, and the losers will have to clean the ship and wait on the winners." This revelation instantly distinguished the optimists from the pessimists based on who said "Yesss!" and who groaned.

They were then split up into their teams, with Daniel and the unhappy couple staying in the same living area, but the "red team" moving somewhere else on the same floor. That evening when they ate, it was as if Dan was talking to people in separate cubicles – no interaction between Gail and Jonathan, no conversational run-on between what he was talking about with one and what he was talking about with the other. By the time they'd finished, Daniel was sick of it. He put his fork down and spoke up.

"Look, no-one's wanted to interfere but now it's just us three it's unavoidable. You obviously have some problems. That's unlucky. But if you think it's hard being around each other now, just wait until we're swabbin' the deck for those guys all because we couldn't work as a team. If you're going to break up then do it, if not then sort yourselves out. I'll be in my room." He left and slammed his bedroom door.

He was sick of the tension, but there was also some calculation that a common enemy – him being petulant, or the other team – might give them some perspective and pull them back together. He flicked through the channels on the small TV in their room, but they were unfamiliar jumbles of letters like KYNB-News with nothing interesting on; he left it blaring all the same to give the couple some privacy if they wanted to scream at each other. Daniel rarely had time alone, so he started to think over what he'd learned that day from the memo and the meeting; then he fell asleep.

He woke up to the sound of knocking on the door. It was Jonathan. He invited Dan back in. Gail appeared to have been crying, but they were both smiling.

"Thanks for forcing us to do that. To be honest, we've been putting it off for much longer than we even knew you," said Jonathan.

"So... are you back together properly now or..?" Dan ventured tentatively, as if trying to take something from a sleeping Rottweiler.

"No, we've broken up," said Gail sunnily. Daniel was confused.

"But you're happy about it?"

"Yep. It's kind of a relief, really –both of us had wanted out, but neither of us actually went ahead with it, so we just kept dragging it on. We dated because it was convenient, but we're happy just being friends," she said.

"But what about the picking out sofas for the marital home thing?" Dan asked.

"That was a tactic to try and get him to break up with me," laughed Gail. "Even I wouldn't put a throw on a couch this nice."

"Same with me busting out a personal story I hadn't shared with Gail!" He chuckled, and then stopped suddenly. "Oh, it was true, though, and I did want to help you too. But I thought it might push her over the edge." He jabbed her playfully in the side.

"Guys, I think we know each other well enough now for me to say that you're a bit weird. Likeable, but weird." Daniel sat down and put his feet up on the coffee table.

"Well, that's a good thing, right? We are 'a peculiar people', after all," said Jonathan.

"I'm not sure they mean that kind of peculiar, but OK. So, we have to give the other guys a thrashing, because I know I need a holiday, how about you?" said Daniel.

They say that people who survive near-death experiences, once they have gotten over the shock, often get a kind of survival euphoria from the illusion that they are invincible and have a heightened appreciation for life. Apparently this was kicking in for Jonathan and Gail. Dan hoped it would give them an edge in the Team Challenge – not just because he wanted to win, but because someone, somewhere, wanted him to lose and was working towards that; even without knowing who, it'd be satisfying to foil their plans.

"You know, Danny," Gail said later (Daniel had given up trying to correct her), "when we first met you I totally thought, 'Oh my heck he seems like such a shy guy, I bet he'll be really lonely locked up there with Brendan,' but now I get to know you you're not really quiet at all, you just think before you speak."

Dan snorted. "You should see me try to talk to girls." He paused. "I don't mean you're not a girl, I mean flirting or dating or anything like that. And when I was younger, I was really shy; my family moved around a few times, so it was harder making friends at Church. Sometimes I felt as though people just looked right past me."

Suddenly, he had a shiver down his spine and jumped out of his seat, which startled Gail and Jonathan. "What's up with you?" he demanded.

"Something just occurred to me. Sit right there. I'm going to go into my room, then come out again, and I want you to tell me when you see me. Like when we were practicing stealth tactics, right?" Daniel said breathlessly.

"OK, Danny, but gosh, it's gonna be pretty easy to see you come out since your doorway is right in front of us," Gail giggled.

"Just... humour me." Daniel went into his room, closed his eyes, cleared his mind and walked out slowly, stopping by the mirror on the wall opposite the kitchen units, just before the main part of the room. He looked at his reflection. "Guys, you were meant to tell me when you saw me."

"Oh – didn't notice you. Sorry, wasn't concentrating. Do it again?" said Jonathan.

Daniel did. This time, he stood there for several minutes, and then approached the seating area. Only when the floor creaked did they see him.

"Did you turn invisible?" asked Gail, not as surprised as someone not living in a superhero apartment might be.

"Not exactly – I could see my reflection, and as soon as I drew attention to myself, you could see me. It's just like I was saying – people just look right past me." Daniel grinned.

Jonathan gave him a high five. "Sweet power, man."

"Don't take the fun out of it for me," warned Daniel, but he did become serious in his expression. "Only we know about this. Let's keep it that way as long as possible."

"We are sooo going to win the prize," said Gail, rubbing her hands with glee. This caused a spark to jump onto the carpet and burn a small hole. "Oops, silly me."

Over the next few days they discussed tactics. They knew that Fliss' power would be a distinct advantage; they also knew that Brendan and Cara would both be able to move quickly between the different levels, either by clawing through ceilings or by floating up stairwells. They concluded that this meant if they all tried to storm the basement, for example, they'd quickly have at least two defenders there to stymie them, building walls and all kinds of nonsense. It just wouldn't work.

They discussed it on the treadmills during their gym session.

"The only way we can win this is to overwhelm them by numbers," plotted Daniel. "Three-on-three, we have no chance, but separately we might pull it off."

Jonathan caught his drift. "If we spread them out, diverting them, they'll either leave whatever they're guarding – which helps us – or they'll leave a guard, who one of us can find."

"Which should be Daniel," said Gail.

"Right, because I'm undetectable," he agreed. "As long as you can keep two of them occupied, I should be able to get right into their base without being seen."

"You'll need to be silent, too." You could see the cogs turning in Jonathan's mind. "And to have a shower before we start, har har har."

Daniel responded by putting Jonathan's treadmill up from a leisurely walk to a mountain sprint.

The day of the Challenge arrived and Dan was excited and nervous. He considered many things down to precise levels of detail: should he take his shoes off to move silently or would he need them in case he needed to climb over sharp rocks? Where would they be most likely to establish their base?

They were called down to receive their super suits and have finishing touches done to their appearance. Blake and Dr Raine were both there – Blake to give a final pep talk and Dr Raine to answer any questions they had about their costumes. They hadn't seen the other team since they moved out, so when the Red Team arrived they reluctantly acknowledged each other, but didn't mix. A girl came through, tousled some of their hair, put more makeup on Fliss and removed some from Gail.

"Here are your uniforms," said Dr Raine, distributing large plastic bags of folded clothing. "We have a few spares, but try not to wreck them. I'm going to need you to try them on and let us know if there are any problems."

"I can tell you now there's a problem," said Cara acidly. She had already opened her bag and was holding up her super suit, if you could call it that.

It was a white dress that would have been revealingly small on a girl half Cara's height, in a kind of Statue of Liberty style, that would quite clearly show a shoulder and almost all of her legs. To compensate, it came with white hot pants as well as the customary superhero boots and gloves. She held it up to herself to show how revealing it was for her frame. Daniel went redder than a missionary in Victoria's Secret.

"Way to keep it together, guys," said Felicity, glaring at the boys. Jonathan was scandalized; Brendan seemed likely to faint and took a restorative swig of his hip flask.

"There's no way I'm wearing this, and I could give you a list of reasons, but I expect you know them all already, Dr Raine," accused Cara.

Dr Raine sighed. "I knew you'd refuse, and I argued against the design, but I got shouted down. They compromised by allowing a backup one to be made." She sent the makeup girl to go get it. "Rather than focus on your looks, the second design is basing your persona more on your intellect and brains. I think you'll appreciate it."

"Just remember my power is floating, so I won't wear a skirt or dress without something substantial underneath. I don't want any Marilyn Monroe moments." She brushed her back.

"What is it she does again? Elementary Education?" whispered Brendan to Jonathan. He shrugged.

"Are our costumes that skimpy?" asked Felicity.

"No," said Dr Raine. "Take a look, I think the rest of the costumes are Mormon-appropriate."

"Good," said Gail, "If it were me, I wouldn't wear that dress at home, never mind on camera to be seen by who knows how many people. Heck, being filmed always makes me self-conscious."

Of course, Gail did not know that every other night, millions of television viewers had been watching them all, ever since the day after the dance.
Chapter 6: Stay Tuned

Every so often, studio executive Frank liked to re-watch previous episodes of his shows. It gave him a better feel for the big picture – the story arc, the narrative, character development – rather than the technical minutiae he often dealt with. The show he was working on was called "America's Superheroes" (it had originally been titled "American Superheroes" until someone pointed out one of them wasn't American) and was reality show in the style of a fly-on-the-wall documentary.

The characters – they weren't actors as such – were simultaneously part of the show and part of an experiment for a private research company working for a government agency. When the company that had developed the miracle drug ran out of cash and DERPA had its budget squeezed, an enterprising employee sold the story to a media company, who agreed to keep quiet so long as they had exclusive rights to make a documentary about the project. After a few drinks, this deal had evolved to include the studio part-financing the project and having creative control.¬¬¬ This bizarre turn of events had led to the demands that normal people be chosen at random to participate and that rather than a boring boot-camp or grisly experimentation, the 'superheroes' would be part of a game-show type program with costumes, inter-personal drama and all the rest of it.

It was after one of these re-watching sessions that Frank drew up a memo to Jerry, his partner, detailing the ratings success they were having but identifying weaknesses. The British character was unexciting and the least liked of the bunch according to focus groups – no mean feat considering the tall guy's power was being boring. What's more, he seemed to be getting close to realising that the whole thing was for public consumption and not just a military deal.

Fortunately, the challenge format provided a good way to divert his attention, and that of the audience, who were growing bored of the lack of conflict. And that conflict, with a little extra help in the form of secret briefings for one of the Red Team, would hopefully mean the likeable characters won and the annoying ones lost – satisfying for the viewers when that happens!

Daniel wasn't the only weakness – the fact that the can had ended up in Utah of all places was just bad luck and meant the superheroes would be weirder than expected. None of them had even turned into vampires like in that terrible so-called 'saga'. What's more, the guy they'd got to play the role of Fairwether was just cliché after cliché. But none of this could overcome the sheer novelty of actual, real life superheroes. What a coup!

Frank huddled over his computer, trying to get his ample stomach as close to the desk as possible. Now that they had shots of the team in their special get-up, they'd made up some new intro titles that focussed on each character individually; the old one had just introduced the concept and some action shots. He put his headphones on and started watching the latest iteration.

It starts out with a black screen, then the narrator in the classic 'movie trailer voice' kicks in, with his words spelled out in widely kerned, chunky text.

"For decades humans have imagined super heroes.

People with powers far beyond our own.

Masters of the elements.

For the first time, a group of randomly-selected citizens have been administered a mystery drug that enhances their characteristics into superpowers.

And thus become... AMERICA'S SUPERHEROES."

The theme song starts, and Brendan appears, as if spinning on a platform, with information about his height, weight, age and powers at the side of the screen. He is wearing a black ninja suit with big, thick dark goggles, his hip flask strapped to his side.

"Long-time computer nerd Brendan can see in the dark, dig through rock with his bare hands and survive for days on only cured meat. Because he is.... THE MOLE."

Jonathan appears with a retro army uniform on, including a big green metal helmet and a couple of grenades on his belt.

"He knows no fear. He knows no terror. He knows no excitement. He sends the most determined of enemies home crying with disillusionment... he is COMMANDER BUZZKILL."

Next, Cara is shown, wearing a pastel blue pantsuit, academic robe and mortarboard cap. After a pause, a female narrator takes over and reads the script uninterestedly: "As educated as she is enticing, Cara has looks to kill that make men brain dead... including narrators, apparently. She is THE DUMBINATOR."

Cara's image gone, the usual narrator takes up the baton again, and Daniel's image appears. He is wearing what appears to be a mixture of Mr Moneybags and a detective – grey pinstripe suit, black fedora hat and half-moon glasses, carrying a black umbrella.

"From the capital of Europe, he's the sharp thinker who's never at a loss for a plan – INSPECTOR LONDON!"

"We really need a better name than that before broadcast," grumbled Frank.

Next Gail is up, wearing the most traditionally 'superhero' costume yet: a stretchy yellow top and leggings, with eye-burningly bright orange shorts and t-shirt over them. The t-shirt says "EG!" on it, but the dot on the exclamation mark is quite big so it almost looks like it says "EGO".

"She's All-American, she's loud and proud, she's everywhere at once – she's EPIC GAIL!" shouts the narrator.

Finally, Felicity is introduced, wearing pink denim overalls and bunches in her hair, carrying a small wooden toolbox.

"And finally, she's the Mom of the team who don't need no man to fix things at home – she's MAID FROM SCRATCH!"

Frank chewed his pencil and picked up his phone. "Hey. Yeah, it's too long. Maybe just run the intros once, then in later episodes introduce them gradually as they appear on camera. Yeah."

They had built up a lot of expectations for this episode. If it didn't deliver, Frank and Jerry would have bigger problems than the length of title credits. The voice on the end of the phone spoke back to him.

"Right, we can bring that forward if we need to spice things up for this episode," Frank said. "Ideally we would leave it for another time, but when you're working with people this weird you can't underestimate the chance of a major screw-up, especially live."

The previous episodes had been pre-recorded and heavily edited. The resulting program was heavily slanted towards presenting the superheroes as caricatures, casting Daniel as a snooty, stuck-up foreigner and putting certain shots out of context to create an entirely fictitious romance between Fliss and Brendan (the actual sparks between her and Jonathan had been entirely missed). The format had drawn criticism because a good percentage of the audience was convinced that special effects were being used, despite tacit confirmation from the White House that the show's claims were in fact true. Jerry had therefore proposed that the challenge be broadcast live to silence the critics, which in turn meant running the risk that the whole thing might turn out to be a dud. Frank and Jerry were biting their fingernails off when the show started; by comparison, Daniel was positively Zen.

Daniel was quietly confident, hoping that their plan would work. If there was a mole in the other team, he'd have to know about his power of unnoticeability to be able to win this, surely? They still didn't know what they'd have to retrieve; they were told that a loudspeaker would let them know once the opposing team had acquired and hidden it.

A deafening buzzer sounded through the now deserted CHEEZ complex, signalling to Daniel the start of the game and to Frank the start of a career-defining moment. Daniel, Jonathan and Gail split up with a high five at Gail's insistence; she was going to quickly sweep the outside to see if anyone was there while Jonathan loomed his way around the first floor and Daniel crept down into the basement.

The basement area, despite being underground and seemingly used for back-office functions, was still marginally nicer than the facility in Colorado. The fluorescent tube lights flickered eerily and a solitary desk fan in a room on the left oscillated wildly. It was blowing a stack of blank paper all over the floor. Clutching his black umbrella and advancing down the hallway, he cleared his mind and became unremarkable, invisible to the unwarned eye, like a squirrel that lurks in the bushes you walk past on the way home while you're deep in thought then suddenly jumps out and gives you a heart attack. Something like that, anyway. He closed his eyes and perceived nothing out of the ordinary. How long will it take them to find and hide this object, he wondered. Daniel heard a female voice in the distance. If I'm quiet, they won't see me.

Continuing down the hallway he came to a dining room of sorts. He could still hear the voice – and a boy's voice, too, so Brendan was there - but as he was moving slowly towards them, they were moving away – he pressed on through the dining room onto a glittering, polished tiled floor when the ground caved in beneath his feet and he fell into a deep hole, hitting the ground with a thud and scraping his elbow. To add insult to injury, he'd dislodged a few bits of rock which promptly dinked him on the head, which was only slightly protected by his ridiculous hat. It was a trap – and they had known where he was coming and when. The buzzer echoed around the kitchen again and an amplified voice notified them that a hostage had been taken and that the blue team had nineteen minutes to rescue them. Daniel would have noted that it was an odd length of time if he wasn't busy tending to a grazed elbow and a bruised ego.

Thirty seconds later, Brendan popped his head over Daniel's pit of shame.

"Have a nice trip, see you again next fall!" he cackled.

"It's not tripping over if the floor collapses," Daniel responded bitterly. "That was Fliss' handiwork, I suppose? I thought the tiles were a bit glamourous for this gross kitchen."

"So much for your powers of deduction, Sherlock." Brendan brushed aside his hair and Daniel noticed something seemed wrong, but his head hurt. Just then, the last person Daniel wanted to see turned up: Cara.

"Hi, Daniel. Sorry about this, but Gail would just scream until the earth spat her out and Jonathan would just stretch up tall and step out, so you had to be the hostage."

Dan wasn't happy. "This isn't fair, Cara. You and I both know it. Someone on your team has been getting information from the organizers." (At this point, Frank sprayed his coffee all over his desk.)

Brendan scoffed. "You're just bummed out that you're gonna lose. It's OK, if I get seasick I'll be sure to aim overboard so you don't have to clean it up."

But he wasn't ready to give up. Thinking hard, he realised what was wrong: Brendan had something in his ear. Just like Fairwether had something in his ear. It wasn't a hearing aid – it was an earpiece for receiving instructions.

This meant Daniel knew who the mole was: it was Brendan all along. Daniel rolled his eyes. Really? They chose the Mole to be the mole? That's their idea of humour?

"Cara, it's Brendan. He's got an earpiece and the-" Daniel said, but at this point Frank had prevailed upon his assistant to switch the camera away to see what Jonathan was up to. Phones were ringing everywhere in the CHEEZ studio, and Jerry's pacemaker was taking a heck of a strain.

"Jerry, we got this", Frank assured him over the phone. "We'll get him to walk away from the hole and the kid won't give anything else away. If Rat-boy had just left well alone rather than going over there to gloat, he'd have no-one to talk to." The order was given, but it was too late – Cara had seen the earpiece and decided if she was going to have to cheat to win, there was no point in winning.

"They're using us as pawns, Brendan. I don't know why. It all seems like a big joke to me, but whatever the end goal of this is, let's not be their puppets. Remember what I said on our first day? They need us, not the other way round." Cara was in full flow now. "So are you going to dig him a tunnel out of there?" she demanded.

Brendan shrugged.

Daniel called out to Brendan. "Why did you let them give you extra information? Were you just scared we'd beat you if it was a fair game?"

"I thought you were getting told things about our team, too", defended Brendan. "I wasn't going to refuse help and put our team at a disadvantage. And I would dig down there to get you, but I'd risk making the ground collapse in on you."

"Fine," she said and floated down into the hole. An embarrassing ten seconds ensued when Cara and Daniel both were indecisive about how he should hold on to her to get back up, then they settled on holding each other's arms at the elbows. It was the second time Daniel had been too close for comfort with the blonde postgraduate in the last few days. They landed back at the top.

"You've got, um, something..." Daniel pointed at a chunk of earth in her hair.

"Thanks." She smiled at him and it was like panic stations in Daniel's head. Saying that, this might have been because just then a siren started and the lights turned off, replaced by red emergency lighting. Brendan scurried off under a table.

Another voice came over the loudspeaker: "CHEEZ under attack. All personnel evacuate and adopt defensive positions." The end of the statement was punctuated by a ground-shaking boom; a tile dropped from the ceiling all the way down the pit. Daniel was glad it hadn't fallen while he or Cara was down there.

Whether this was part of the game Daniel wasn't sure, but either way he was done with being in that kitchen. They sprinted back down the corridor and up the stairs to the surface, their running interrupted by two more loud explosions.

The lobby was a warzone. They crouched down in the stairwell and peered around the corner. Behind the front desk, Fairwether and a few guards were aiming their guns towards the outside. The air was smoky; Fairwether and the guards charged towards the large entrance doors when an explosion shattered the dark glass and blew them off their feet. Fairwether was unconscious. A high-pitched laugh pierced the air.

As the smoke started to leave the lobby and drift outside into the open air, Daniel saw around ten silhouettes lining up ready to enter. One in the middle had a megaphone and addressed them.

"We come in peace!" the high-pitch voice shouted sarcastically. "Brendan, Gail, Daniel, Felicity, Cara and Jonathan, where are you? I didn't see you at Church on Sunday!"

"I know that voice," said Cara, somewhere between confusion and anger. "But what would he be doing here?"

"Yes- it's me, Parker. I'm here for diplomatic reasons. Come out and we'll talk."

Cara put her head out enough to get a clear look at him, then hid again. "He's from our ward, he was at that dance. People call him Creeper 'cause he's always..."

"Creeping up on people?" said the high-pitched voice from just behind Daniel and Gail.

Acting on instinct, Daniel whipped round and whacked the guy in the jaw, knocking him back. For a creepy guy, teleportation powers apparently had a downside too. The lad was a little shorter than Jonathan, with blonde curly hair and it looked like he was wearing lip balm. His super suit was a disgusting lime green one-piece.

"Creeping up on girls, to be exact," growled Cara.

"Calm down! I'm just here to help," he said, putting his hand on Cara and Daniel's shoulders, and being instantly swatted away. Daniel could see why people might develop an unflattering nickname for this guy –from the way he was looking at Cara he appeared to be what Gail would refer to as "a grimy slimeball". This impression was later confirmed by Cara, who explained that he was well known for being overly friendly with girls, believing that since he was so attractive (in his mind) any refusal of advances was just an attempt at playing 'hard to get'. The weird thing was that he was not ugly or anything, but his personality put people off.

"So you're the other one who got powers, but chose not to come on the program," said Daniel, remembering something Cara had said when she'd arrived.

"That's right. Your talents are wasted here; my job is to convince you to change networks, as it were. I was approached by the Chinese, who made me an offer I couldn't refuse, as you can see." While Creeper was talking, the other silhouettes advanced into the CHEEZ lobby and dragged off the guards and Fairwether. They were ninjas.

He continued his spiel. "The government is using you. Did you realize you're being watched by millions on TV? 'America's Superheroes', they call you, but the show is more like America's Laughing Stock. The first superhumans and this is how they treat you?"

Suddenly it made sense. Millions watching on TV? Is that true? Is that why we have costumes and challenges and interference from the organizers? Even for a man with federally enhanced cognition, it was a lot to process. More ninjas spilled into the complex and the rest of the superheroes arrived. Brendan and Jonathan seemed to have come without a fight, but the girls looked tousled and mad.

"If you come with us, you'll be heroes in China," Creeper announced. "A mansion in Beijing, all the noodles you can eat, knockoff electronic products, you name it, the world is your oyster sauce. Alternatively, we can force you to come with us. Your call, friends." He stepped back to allow the group time to talk.

"If they're going to treat us so nicely, why assault the place like this? Surely they could just sneak someone in with a nice bribe?" whispered Felicity.

"They didn't exactly roll out the red carpet when they signed us up for the CHEEZ program, did they?" replied Brendan.

Is there any chance this is staged, wondered Daniel. Then again, who wants to be the boy who cried wolf?

"Dr Raine did warn us on the plane something like this might happen," suggested Felicity. "We just need to keep them occupied until reinforcements get here."

"In that case I've got an idea," piped up Jonathan. He addressed himself to Creeper and his bodyguards. "We will come with you, but only if you can beat me at Twister and Felicity at Jenga!"

"What if I play Brendan at Jenga and Cara at Twister...?" He smiled menacingly.

"PLEASE can we knock his block off?" growled Gail.

Daniel closed his eyes and mentally counted the ninjas. "You know, I think that is actually a sensible idea," he muttered. "Chinese or American, real or fake, let's deck them one."

They looked at him blankly.

"That means beat them up."

"Ohhh, right," they all said.

Jonathan straightened his Army-inspired uniform. "Then, my friends, let the decking commence." He grabbed a grenade from his belt, examined it, and pulled out the pin. "Do you think this is real or just a prop?"

Everyone screamed at him to throw it, so he lobbed it into the midst of the ninjas and it detonated, releasing pepper gas and bringing a few ninjas to the ground (Frank had wanted to give him boredom grenades to keep with the "Commander Buzzkill" theme, but they unfortunately haven't yet been invented.)

This unleashed the horde of ninja, who charged at the group. A black van pulled up and opened its back doors, with even more ninjas pouring out. I didn't count on them getting backup before we did, thought Brendan. Now they have the odds on their side.

The next few minutes were chaotic; Brendan was flinging his claws everywhere like a psychotic ferret, Gail was administering a flurry of slaps to the face of one ninja while Jonathan was stretching into the sky, his giant legs kicking away all challengers. Daniel, lacking any particular skill for combat, stuck to jabbing away at any attackers with his umbrella.

Just then, Creeper teleported behind Cara, grabbing her by the arms and dragging her to the van.

"All we need is one of them and they'll give in! Muahahaha!" cried Creeper theatrically. If you're not feeling the need to slap him, you're not imagining it right.

"How much you wanna bet I can run faster than that van can drive? If we were allowed to bet, that is?" squealed Gail while kicking a ninja in the head. Creeper had obviously not considered this in his master plan.

"Fine! We'll do it the boring way!" he shouted, reaching for a case in the back of the van, and right on cue Jonathan launched another grenade, this time landing it right at Creeper's feet, but he teleported out of the way, allowing Cara to float onto the top of the van. She was mad.

She took off her academic cap, her golden locks bouncing off her face like... well, you know the drill. She flicked the cap through the air like a Frisbee and it smacked a ninja right in the back of the head, which was handy because he had Daniel pinned down and was trying to knock him out. It was getting a little hairy, despite the best efforts of Fliss who had crafted a soft velvety rope and with the help of Gail had managed to tie up five ninjas. The problem was sheer numbers.

Creeper dived back into the van and pulled out a Taser. He immediately fired it into Jonathan's ankle, bringing him crashing down like Godzilla onto Tokyo. He flattened several attackers, but Creeper was done playing the evil genius. He teleported behind each of the heroes, stunning them one by one and allowing the ninjas to bind them. This seemed highly unsportsmanlike to Daniel. He saw Fliss, Brendan and Gail fall and be bound, then Cara tried to float away and was taken down. "Don't Tase me, bro," whimpered Brendan, but to no avail. Last of all, Creeper fired his weapon at Daniel. He wasn't sure how powerful it was, but it felt like hot knives running through his body. His muscles were exhausted, but his mind remained clear thanks to his superpowers, which otherwise had been of no use.

One of the ninjas was examining the superheroes, prodding Brendan's belly, then took his hip flask and turned it upside down, emptying it onto the ground.

Brendan, though dazed from the stunning, came alive. "My baaaaccoooonnn!" he shouted (imagine this bit in slow motion, please) and writhed to the left, just enough for the last drop of syrupy goodness to grace his tongue. He slashed open the rope that bound him and threw the ninja into the side of the black van, hissing at him like an animal. Creeper pointed the stun-gun at his head from point blank range.

"This isn't Street Fighter, you nerd. Game over." He was so proud of his topical taunting, but his smile turned to a grimace of confusion when he heard a loud metallic CLANG from behind him. And then a young Latino man in basketball gear and a baseball jacket jumped off the van and brought a baseball bat swinging round into Creeper's face.

"Alvin!" shouted Daniel.

"Am I too late for the challenge?" he shouted. He swung his bat around like a mace, keeping the ninjas away from Brendan while he cut the others' ropes. Cara was the first to be freed and started kicking out furiously, while Fliss made a polka dot riot shield out of who knows what and pushed back against their assailants. Jonathan started giving his handshake and slap-on-the back routine. Daniel closed his eyes and visualised the scene, the damaged entrance to the CHEEZ, the fighting crowd and the van. His mind zoomed in on the van and he realised the keys were in it. And he instantly knew what to do.

Dan ran back behind one of the pillars of the CHEEZ building, careful not to cut himself on the shards of glass scattered around the floor. He imagined himself fading away into the background, becoming unnoticeable. And then, invisible to the world, he jogged around the fighting crowd and jumped in the front of the van. Then he remembered that they drive on the right in America and switched from the passenger seat to the driver's seat. Pleased to be doing something useful, Daniel put it in reverse and started backing into the retreating ninjas, scooping them up like when you scoop up a spider with paper to throw it out the window.

"Get them in the van!" he shouted, and the others pushed and barged the rest in, pushing the doors shut. Fliss pulled a padlock out of her bag and locked them in. This left just Creeper, still lying on the floor nursing his bruised face. Actually, for a baseball bat, Daniel thought it wasn't much damage at all.

"Guys, don't hurt me. The Chinese took me captive as soon as I had said no to the program. They told me they'd let me free if I took you." He slowly climbed to his feet. "You know, of all the wards I've been in, you guys are really the most kind, generous, weird..." and just like that, he disappeared.

Cara sighed. "Teleporting has to be the most annoying superpower for a jerk like that to have."

"That or invisibility," said Alvin with a shudder.

The superheroes breathed a sigh of relief, and then vehicles started entering the complex, but they weren't Army reinforcements, they were normal cars. And staff were starting to leave the CHEEZ building.

"That's a rap, guys! Great work." A grizzled, overweight middle-aged man who they'd later learn was called Frank approached the team and greeted them.

"What?" said Daniel. He had the familiar feeling that he'd still not seen the big picture.

"Hey, sport. You scared us back there when you were in the hole – thought you'd give the whole game away. This whole thing is a TV show, as you might have guessed – yeah, you're superheroes, but one way or another the Defense department needed some cash so we got to blend national security with domestic entertainment."

"So that explains the historically anachronistic 'Chinese ninjas'," said Cara.

How did I miss this, wondered Daniel. If I can't work out puzzles, what am I good for?

The young staffer who Daniel had intentionally bumped into brought Frank a coffee.

"We had planned to keep this series going for a lot longer, but we were running out of funds and the audience was losing interest. So we crammed all the rest of our ideas into one big live episode."

Creeper reappeared and embraced Alvin. "Thanks for not hitting me too hard, man. It might be plastic, but that bat still hurt like heck."

Everything from Creeper's attack to Alvin's comeback had been planned and choreographed in advance, Frank explained. Fairwether was an actor and currently chilling out in the studio lounge, Dr Raine was actually a sociologist advising on the show and the rest were gym coaches and other assorted professionals from California. DERPA had some involvement, but nothing like what had been implied at the start.

The others were jubilant, posing for photos, joking with the "ninjas", some of whom were not Chinese but Mexican, calling family and being shown reviews from magazines about the show. Daniel, by contrast, was deflated. Brendan caught up with him.

"What's wrong, man? We're still superheroes – but now we're celebrities, too. They're gonna pay us a big fee, and then there'll be interviews, maybe even Leno or one of those guys!"

Daniel did not know who Leno was and did not care. "I should have worked it out," he lamented. "I've been a fool this whole time."

"Daniel, seriously," Brendan said, "You're the one who brought us all together, who stopped us going crazy and getting shot or arrested in the grocery store, you worked out it was a show before anyone else! You should be proud."

Daniel shrugged.

"And it's been fun, too, hasn't it?" asked Brendan.

He was right. Daniel wasn't melancholy because he had only partly cracked the puzzle. He was disappointed that the adventure was over. The confusion and the drama had brought them together as friends, and Daniel hadn't had a strong group of friends like that before. If the end of the show meant change in that respect, it was nothing to celebrate. He explained this to Brendan.

Brendan laughed. "Man, this is just the beginning. We'll stick together, like you said the day you drank the punch. Don't worry about that." And that was enough to convince Daniel. He went back to the crowd, the flashing of the cameras, signed some pictures and was invited to take part in an interview. They lined up together.

The reporter asked them all questions. She started with, "How does it feel to be chosen for this?"

"Awesome!" shouted Epic Gail. "We've loved it. And we didn't think we'd be television stars already!"

"Er, slight correction," said Commander Buzzkill, holding up a finger. "Daniel worked it out, but was slightly distracted by the arrival of a supervillain who blew up the front half of the building, wasn't he?"

The reporter smiled. "Daniel, how have you found the experience? I guess this is not what you expected from a semester abroad!"

Daniel smiled. He had been asked a similar question to this a few weeks before, but his answer was different now. "I love my parents, but they always teased me that in Utah, and among Mormons more generally, I'd be hanging around with these two-dimensional caricatures; the stern Elder's Quorum President," (he nodded towards Jonathan, "the loud, bossy girl," (Gail laughed), "reclusive gamers, sports fanatics, desperate 30-year old girls and of course, attractive but shallow blondes." He looked at Cara, without turning red or being embarrassed.

"Myself, I just thought I wouldn't fit in. Well, Mam and Dad, you were wrong, but I was, too."

"Our superpowers are exaggerations of our quirks, but they don't tell a full story. Like clipping away sections of film from the footage for this show, they clip away at our personalities, leaving just jagged edges and basic generalities. Yeah, I think a lot, but this has shown me that when I'm having fun with my friends I can be blinded to the facts. That's OK, though, because I've learned about loyalty and companionship and bravery. And everyone sees Brendan's rugged exterior, but they don't know he's a poetry writing Alanis Morrissette fan."

"You are so dead," laughed Brendan.

"That's for trying to cheat and dropping me in a pit," Dan muttered.

Turning back to the journalist, he continued: "Sometimes we as Mormons talk about being "a peculiar people", and we are in the sense that we are distinct as a group, but I think we are all peculiar people, different in so many ways. Am I rambling too much?"

The reporter said, "Thanks, Daniel... I think we might have to cut that answer short for the news bulletins, though." She was obviously not entirely au fait with irony.

Daniel looked at the others he hadn't mentioned. Yes, Gail was loud, but she had shown great emotional maturity in her breakup with Jonathan, and didn't seem angry that he and Felicity were holding hands. Jonathan, of course, had opened up to them all, and as for Cara, he had learned to see beyond her face. Not that he didn't enjoy looking at her face, of course. He approached her after the interview had finished.

"Well, Inspector, another case closed, what are you going to do next?" she asked.

Daniel laughed. "I'm sure there are plenty of mysteries left in the world."

They were interrupted by a staffer holding a phone.

"Sorry – it's just Daniel's parents are on the line from England."

Daniel smiled. "I'll have to take this somewhere private," he said, thinking of them making fun of Gail and Jonathan what seemed like a millennium ago. "See you later though, yeah?"

"Yeah," she said. "See you later."

Daniel's mother was screeching down the phone. "Finally we get in contact with you! You go three thousand miles across the ocean and next thing we know you're on some cheesy American game show? The tabloids have been printing pictures of you meditating and getting beat up by gym teachers and everything - how did you end up being the comic relief in a show full of weirdos?"

"Sometimes events conspire to make you look stupid," replied Daniel.
Chapter 7: Epilogue

The next six or so weeks following the CHEEZ experience were somewhat hectic for Daniel, with all the media attention on both sides of the Atlantic. After a crazy shopping spree ("Why shouldn't I buy a whole keg of root beer?"), Daniel put the remainder of his appearance fees in a savings account to pay for his mission. He still made pocket money from selling autographed memorabilia online, but just at the same time as Dan adapted to being famous, the media circus moved on. The studio had talked about bringing them back for a second season, but instead they decided to turn the format into a Jersey Shore –style "structured reality" show where they could keep a tighter leash on the actors. This time, they really did just use special effects. The "superhero" drug was sold to the military, but has yet to be used again on any publicly discussable project. There are rumours, though, that the President will soon make an announcement about putting the first superhero the Moon.

The scientists who checked up on the superheroes weren't sure if their powers would disappear suddenly, fade gradually, or stay with them for life. Daniel spoke to all of the others, though, and they were all convinced that while they probably could use their powers, ever since the end of the show they'd gotten them under control and were eager to leave behind their stereotyped personas. Well, Gail confessed she liked being loud and Fliss could never leave her arts and crafts behind, but they still wanted to explore new things.

Daniel went to BYU and was a minor celebrity again, subject of several comedy sketches and encouraged by many to stand for student council elections, but he kept his head down and worked. Cara moved out east, but kept in contact with Dan, both tacitly acknowledging that there was something between them but the timing was all wrong. Fliss and Jonathan were married in the Provo temple the next summer, just a few days before Daniel flew home to England.

Daniel served a mission in Portugal, and when his return flight landed in Teesside Airport, he wasn't expecting his parents to be there with banners or balloons, but they were. A few months later Daniel returned to the airport to greet his American friends who all came to visit, including Cara. Their first date was, appropriately at a dance, where they were very careful about what they drank.

