Before Marjaavaan,
Milap Zaveri made Satyameva Jayate,
a film I described as excruciating.
In my review, I said it would be better
if Milap went back 
to making terrible sex comedies
like Mastizaade.
But after watching Marjaavaan,
I think, it might be better if Milap 
went back to making Satyameva Jayate.
That film was mind-numbingly loud 
and the vigilante politics were unhinged
but there was some fun 
to be had watching John Abraham
as the killer of corrupt cops 
trying to outsmart
a righteous police officer, 
played by Manoj Bajpayee
who is then revealed to be his brother.
Marjaavaan can’t even manage 
this momentary distraction.
The film is a laughably silly story, 
written by Milap himself
stretched to an interminable 
two-and-a-half hours.
Milap blends his favourite 
80s and 90s Hindi film clichés
with ear-splitting background music
bombastic dialogue-baazi 
and frantic over-acting.
Everyone is making faces 
as if their life depends on it
but only Riteish Deshmukh
looks like he’s having any fun.
Riteish plays the vertically challenged
 Vishnu who has major daddy issues.
Vishnu’s always snarling.
Firstly, because he’s only three feet tall
and secondly because his father
the dreaded mafia don Anna, 
likes Raghu more.
Raghu is the gutter ka keeda 
who Anna raised as his own son.
In one scene, Vishnu looks at Raghu 
and says, yeh hero hai aur main zero hoon.
Which may or may not be 
a reference to Zero
in which Shah Rukh Khan 
played a vertically challenged man.
It’s all very meta.
Vishnu appears to have no other life except
either insulting Raghu or trying to kill him.
At one point, Vishnu tells his henchman, 
"Tu us par nazar rakh"
but even this simple instruction
is accompanied by a growl.
Vishnu cracks a lot of height jokes
and when he gets out of his SUV, 
he uses a man as a stepping stool.
All of which is supposed to be menacing
 but it’s just unintentionally comical.
Vishnu is the bad bad guy.
Raghu is the good bad guy.
He might kill people for Anna 
but he has a kind heart.
We know this because when 
an elderly lady is in trouble, he helps.
Raghu wears bandanas 
and chews on a match-stick
so we know he’s cool.
When he throws a punch, 
at least 10 men fly into the air.
Raghu spends his nights with Arzoo, 
a prostitute with a golden heart.
This character is Milap’s hat tip to
 Zohrabai in Muqaddar Ka Sikandar
Arzoo even quotes from 
the iconic Amitabh Bachchan film.
Just when we were starting 
to see real change
in the portrayal of women on screen
Milap regresses to the
traditional virgin-whore duality.
Raghu might sleep with Arzoo
but he loves the chaste Zoya, 
a mute girl who somehow
lands up in this basti
and starts recruiting kids 
for a talent show in Kashmir.
Tara Sutaria does the 
standard shampoo commercial act
she smiles beatifically 
with all her hair blowing back.
She is also required to 
look petrified as Raghu fights.
In one sequence, they are being attacked 
by dozens of bad guys.
She stands frozen like a mannequin
while Raghu stops the 
various weapons coming her way.
It doesn’t occur to her 
to get help or run away.
The women in this film 
have spectacularly low IQs.
They are either crying, 
looking lovingly at Raghu
or doing an item number
yes, Nora Fatehi pops up 
when you least need her.
Marjaavaan is the kind of film 
in which characters deliver dialogue
and then walk away in slow motion.
Men spend a few seconds growling 
and then they attack each other
I’ve never understood this.
Why do you start doing aaaah 
when you are running toward someone?
Basically, it’s a testosterone overdrive,
which becomes tedious very quickly.
The script is shoddy and 
at the center of it is Sidharth Malhotra
trying to convince us 
that he can be an old-school hero.
You can see his sincerity but 
he can’t summon up the swagger.
In one scene, Raghu gives a rousing speech
with an arrow sticking in his heart.
You need a unique conviction 
to pull off the sheer ludicrousness of this.
Siddharth’s best work – Kapoor & Sons,
Student of the Year – is in a quieter
more contemporary tone.
His affable presence 
can’t carry off masala mode.
The one good thing about Marjaavaan 
is the Jubin Nautiyal ballad 'Tum hi Aana'.
The rest is bluster 
and boredom.
