♪ ♪ ♪
>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK,
EVERYBODY.
HE IS A VERY FUNNY MAN YOU KNOW
FROM "HOUSE," "VEEP," "JEEVES
AND WOOSTER," "BLACKADDAR," "THE
NIGHT MANAGER," AND "AVENUE 5."
PLEASE WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW,"
HUGH LAURIE!
NICE TO SEE YOU AGAIN.
THANKS SO MUCH FOR BEING HERE.
>> NO, IT'S A REAL PLEASURE ND
A PRIVILEGE TO SEE YOU LOOKING
SO HALE AND HEARTY AND KEEPING
THE WORLD SANE.
IT'S AN ABSOLUTE DELIGHT.
>> Stephen: I'M NOT SURE I'M
AN EXAMPLE OF SANITY, BUT THANK
YOU VERY MUCH.
I LIKE THE NEW HAIRCUT.
IS THIS A CORONAVIRUS HAIRCUT OR
FOR A PART?
>> IT'S SORT OF A CORONAVIRUS
HAIRCUT.
WHEN THE REST OF THE WORLD WERE
SCRATCHING AROUND FOR TOILET
PAPER I DECIDED TO GET MY
HAIRCUT IN BULK.
>> Stephen: GET IT OUT OF THE
WAY FOR THE YEAR.
>> GET IT OUT OF THE WAY.
SO I JUST PUT MY HEAD IN A
BLENDER, AND THIS IS WHAT YOU
SEE.
>> Stephen: NICE.
>> THIS IS ACTUALLY QUITE LONG.
IN FACT, IT WAS ABSOLUTELY, LIKE
-- I WAS A POOL BALL FOR A
WHILE.
>> Stephen: YES.
YOU LOOK MILDLY
INSTITUTIONALIZED.
>> YEAH.
I'M GETTING A LITTLE SHAGGY BACK
HERE.
BUT, NO, THIS IS ME FOR THE
DURATION.
>> Stephen: HOW ARE YOU RIDING
OUT THE QUARANTINE?
WHERE ARE-- WHERE ARE YOU--
WHERE ARE YOU BUNKERED AND
HUNKERED DOWN?
>> I AM, OF COURSE, CALLING TO
YOU FROM HIGH UP IN THE
BAVARRIAN ALPS.
>> Stephen:  GOOD.
>> IT'S A PLACE I KEEP.
NO, I'M JUST OUTSIDE-- JUST
OUTSIDE LONDON, AND IN A VERY,
VERY GILDED CAGE.
I AM UNBELIEVABLY LUCKY.
I CANNOT BELIEVE HOW LUCKY I AM,
COMPARED TO WHAT SO MANY OTHER
PEOPLE ARE HAVING TO GO THROUGH.
IT'S EXTRAORDINARY.
I DON'T-- I DON'T DESERVE IT.
BUT I'M TAKING IT.
I'M VERY, VERY LUCKY.
>> Stephen: I LIKE THAT
ATTITUDE.
I THINK-- I THINK--
>> WELL--
>> Stephen: TAKE IT WHILE
YOUICA K, BECAUSE WHO KNOWS WHAT
THE WORLD WILL BE LIKE SIX
MONTHS FROM NOW.
>> EXACTLY.
BECAUSE, BY THE WAY, I'M A
60-YEAR-OLD MAN, I'M LUCKY
ENOUGH NOT TO HAVE IT, AS FAR AS
I KNOW, BUT IF I GET IT, I'M IN
THE-- I DON'T KNOW WHAT COLOR
THEY GIVE ME ON THE DEMOGRAPHIC.
I THINK I'M SORT OF ORANGE TO
RED.
>> Stephen: UH-HUH.
>> AS A LIKELY CANDIDATE.
BUT, ANYWAY --
>> Stephen: ARE YOU FOLKS
COLOR CODING IT IN THE U.K.?
DO YOU HAVE A COLOR-CODED SYSTEM
OVER THERE?
>> WE JUST-- THEY JUST TRIED IT
YESTERDAY.
AND EVERYONE'S VERY CONFUSED.
THERE'S A LOT OF PALE BLUE IN
IT.
NOBODY UNDERSTANDS WHAT THE PALE
BLUE MEANS.
>> Stephen: THAT'S THE SKIN OF
SCOTTISH PEOPLE, I THINK.
>> EXACTLY.
IF YOU GO THAT COLOR, MOVE
SOUTH.
>> Stephen: WELL, I'M CATCHING
UP WITH YOU, BECAUSE YOU MAY OR
MAY NOT KNOW THIS, BUT THIS IS
MY BIRTHDAY.
I TURN 56 TODAY.
>> NOT ONLY DO I KNOW IT-- HOLD
ON A SECOND.
HOLD ON.
♪ HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DEAR STEVEN
♪ HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU ♪
NOW, I DON'T KNOW IF YOU HAVE 5G
AND, THEREFORE, YOU'RE ABLE TO
BLOW THIS OUT.
BUT--
>> Stephen: LET'S GIVE IT A
TRY.
>> YEAH.
THAT'S-- PEOPLE GO ON ABOUT
SPECIAL EFFECTS, LIKE IT'S
COMPLICATED.
>> Stephen: MAGIC.
>> IT REALLY ISN'T COMPLICATED.
>> Stephen: I WANT TO THANK
EVERYONE AT LUCUS FILM FOR
MAKING THAT POSSIBLE.
>> SHOULD I EAT IT FOR YOU?
>> Stephen: EAT AND AND
DESCRIBE IT FOR ME, PLEASE.
>> THIS WAS MUCH BIGGER EARLIER
IN THE DAY.
THIS WAS ABOUT THE SIZE OF A
SUITCASE AT NOON TODAY.
BUT IT'S THE TIME DIFFERENCE.
>> Stephen: I BET YOU TELL
THAT TO ALL THE GIRLS.
>> I HAVE NO ANSWER.
IT'S A LITTLE DRY.
BUT --
>> Stephen: SO AM I.
>> SO ARE YOU, EXACTLY.
EXACTLY.
>> Stephen: WELL, I'M SO-- I'M
SO HAPPY TO HAVE YOU HERE.
YOU MAY NOT KNOW THIS, BUT I
HAVE, SINCE THE LAST TIME YOU
WERE ON HERE-- WHICH WAS, LIKE,
THREE YEARS AGO OR SOMETHING,
SOMETHING INSANE, SOMETHING
ABSOLUTELY UNCONSCIONABLE.
I HAVE BEEN GOING, "WHEN IS HUGH
LAURIE COMING BACK?
SOMEBODY TELL ME WHEN HUGH
LAURIE IS COMING BACK."
WHEN I LOOKED AT THE WEEK ON
THIS CALENDAR, I SAID, "HEY,
HUGH LAURIE IS COMING BACK."
AND THEY SAID, "YES, IT'S YOUR
BIRTHDAY."
AND I SAID, "REALLY?
WHAT IS HE COMING ON FOR?"
THEY SAID, "I THINK HE'S COMING
ON FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY.
THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT ELSE WE SHOULD
BE TALKING ABOUT.
I'M HAPPY TO TALK ABOUT ME.
>> IT'S A GREAT HONOR TO BE WITH
YOU ON THIS SPECIAL DAY.
ARE YOU, I THINK... I'M NOT EVEN
GOING TO GUESS.
I WILL NEVER GUESS A MAN'S AGE.
>> Stephen: 56, 56.
>> HOW DOES THAT FEEL?
>> Stephen: PRETTY GOOD.
PRETTY GOOD.
I SAW A POLL RECENTLY, I DON'T
KNOW IF IT WAS JUST IN THE
AMERICA OR AROUND THE WORLD, THE
MAJORITY OF PEOPLE POLLED THINK
THAT "OLD" STARTS AT 57.
SO I'VE GOT ONE MORE YEAR OF
CARE-FREE YOUTH AHEAD OF ME,
YEAH, YEAH.
>> Stephen: BEFORE I CRUMBLE
INTO DECREPITUDE.
GOT ANY ADVICE WHAT I DO IN THE
NEXT FOUR YEARS BEFORE I HIT 60?
>> FIRST OF ALL, TAKE CARE OF
YOUR KNEES.
>> Stephen: OKAY.
>> IT TURNS OUT THEY'RE
IMMENSELY USEFUL.
AND WITHOUT THEM, LIFE IS...
WELL, I'VE HAD MY REPLACED WITH
SCAFFOLDING POLES.
I JUST HAVE NO KNEES LEFT AT
ALL.
I DON'T REMEMBER 56 AS BEING A--
I REMEMBER THAT BEING A SORT OF
OKAY.
IN FACT, I REMEMBER ALL THE BIG
LANDMARKS BEING OKAY-- 40, 50,
60.
I REMEMBER THAT BEING ALL RIGHT.
WHAT I DIDN'T CARE FOR IS THE
FACT THAT IT DOESN'T STOP, THAT
YOU THINK WHEN YOU GET TO THE
TOP OF A MOUNTAIN, THEY'RE GOING
TO GIVE YOU A BREAK, AND YOU'LL
HAVE A COUPLE YEARS, AND YOU CAN
EAT A SANDWICH OR SOMETHING.
>> Stephen: YES.
>> AND HAVE A REST.
BUT THEN THEY GO, "NO, IT'S 51,
AND IT'S 61."
AND IT KEEPS ON GOING.
>> Stephen: TURNS OUT IT'S NOT
A MOUNTAIN.
IT'S A GANG PLANK.
>> EXACTLY.
I JUST TURNED 50!
WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT?
WELL, APPARENTLY, THEY WANT IT
ALL.
>> Stephen: BUT, THE NICE
THING ABOUT NOT TURNING A NICE
ROUND NUMBER, LIKE 50 OR
SOMETHING LIKE THAT, IS THAT YOU
DON'T HAVE TO GIVE A SPIECH.
LIKE, ON THE BIG-- ON THE BIG
BIRTHDAYS, THERE'S A PARTY, AND
YOU HAVE TO GIVE A TOAST BACK AT
A CERTAIN POINT.
I DON'T THINK THAT'S FAIR.
>> OBVIOUSLY, YOU'RE SOMEONE WHO
HATES GIVING SPEECHES.
AND APPEARING IN PUBLIC.
>> Stephen: I HATE GIVING BAD
ONES.
I HATE GIVING BAD ONES.
AND I I NEVER PUT IN ANY
PLANNING.
AND I GET UP THERE AND G, YOU'RE
ALL SO VERY NICE," AND I START
CRYING.
>> THAT'S LOVELY.
THAT'S THE BEST THING OF ALL.
THAT'S THE BEST THING OF ALL.
I NOW FEEL-- I DON'T REALLY WANT
TO MAKE YOU CRY RIGHT NOW, BUT I
SORT OF FEEL LIKE PEOPLE SHOULD
SEE THAT.
I THINK THAT'S A BEAUTIFUL
THING.
I'M NOT GOING TO MAKE YOU CRY.
I'M NOT GOING TO MAKE YOU CRY.
>> Stephen: WE'VE ONLY BEEN IN
QUARANTINE FOR NINE WEEKS.
I'M SURE BY THREE MONTHS I'LL
JUST COME ON AIR AND JUST SNOTS
AND TEARS.
AND "STICK AROUND FOR THIS
MESSAGE FROM YOUR LOCAL DODGE
DEALER."
YOU HAVE PLAYED DR. HOUSE AND
DR. CHANCE ON THE TV-- NOT THAT
I NEED TO TELL YOU.
YOU MUST BE GOOD AT PRETENDING
YOU'RE A MEDICAL EXPERT HELP.
HOW DO YOU THINK HOUSE WOULD
RESPOND?
WHAT ADVICE WOULD HOUSE BE
GIVING OUT THESE DAYS?
>> I THINK HOUSE WOULD HAVE
RETREATED TO THE BAVARRIAN ALPS,
WITH A BOTTLES OF JACK DANIEL'S,
AND KEPT OUT OF IT.
BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, THE PROBLEM--
I MEAN, MEDICALLY, IT'S AN
OBVIOUSLY IMMENSELY COMPLEX TASK
TO COME UP WITH A VACCINE.
BUT IN TERMS OF DEALING WITH IT
NOW, STAYING AT HOME IS A PRETTY
SIMPLE, YOU KNOW, STAY OUT OF
LARGE CROWDS.
DON'T GO HUGGING AND KISSING THE
WAY WE ONCE DID WHEN WE WERE
EXPWRUNG CARE-FREE.
THAT'S-- IT'S ALL PRETTY SORT OF
BASIC, IN A WAY.
THAT'S WHAT WE HAVE TO DO.
>> Stephen: HOW MUCH
RESISTANCE IS THERE TO THAT IN
THE U.K.?
BECAUSE IN THE UNITED STATES,
THERE'S A MINORITY OF THE
COUNTRY, BUT THERE'S A MINORITY
OF THE COUNTRY THAT HAS-- HAS
DECIDED THEY DON'T WANT TO HAVE
THAT DEAL ANYMORE.
LIKE, THERE WAS SORT OF LIKE,
"WELL, WE DIDN'T TAKE IT
SERIOUSLY, THEN WE TOOK IT
SERIOUSLY, THEN WE ALL AGREED TO
DO THIS ONE THING."
AND THERE IS A MINORITY OF
AMERICANS NOW SAYING, "I DON'T
WANT TO DO THAT ANYMORE."
AND THEY'RE SAYING THE PEOPLE
WHO STILL WANT TO DO IT ARE THE
REAL TROUBLE.
IS THAT STL THAT GOING ON IN
ENGLAND?
ARE PEOPLE SHOWING UP WITH--
>> A LITTLE BIT.
THE ONLY THING IS OUR MINORITY,
EVEN IF IT WERE EQUIVALENT TO
YOURS, THEY DON'T HAVE AUTOMATIC
WEAPONS.
THAT'S THE BIG DISTINCTION.
>> Stephen: OKAY.
>> AND SO --
>> Stephen: THAT'S HOW WE
DEFEATED THE RED COATS.
>> YES, I'M SO PAINFULLY AWARE.
BUT OUR DAY WILL COME.
OUR DAY WILL COME.
SO I THINK IT'S SORT OF THE
SAME, EXCEPT WE JUST-- WE JUST
GRUMBLE MORE.
WE'RE A GRUMBLY-- WE'RE A
GRUMBLY NATION, I THINK, AND
THAT'S HOW WE GET IT OUT.
>>
>> Stephen:  SURE.
>> IF YOU LISTEN TO THE NEWS
MEDIA, IT'S JUST-- IT'S JUST...
COMPLETE MAYHEM.
EVERYBODY'S HAIR IS ON FIRE.
BUT I THINK MOST PEOPLE I MEET
AND TALK TO, THEY JUST SEEM TO
BE FAIRLY FLAGMATIC ABOUT IT,
THEY ROLL THEIR EYES AND GRUMBLE
AND SAY GET ON WITH IT.
THAT'S LEAVING ASIDE PEOPLE'S
WHOSE LIVES HAVE BEEN ABSOLUTELY
WRECKED BY IT.
AND OF COURSE THE OTHER GREAT
ARMY OF PEOPLE WHO ARE WORKING
DAY AND NIGHT TO KEEP US ALL,
IDIOTS LIKE ME, FED AND WATERED.
>> Stephen: SURE.
AND HEALTH I.
NOT ONLY LIKE SANITATION, BUT
GROCERY STORE WORKERS,
FRONT-LINE MEDICAL WORKERS.
>> IT'S ENDLESS, IT'S ENDLESS,
YEAH.
I MEAN THERE, HAS BEEN A BIT--
WE DO THIS THING WHICH I THINK
YOU DO IN NEW YORK, CLAPPING
HEALTHCARE WORKERS ONCE A WEEK.
>> Stephen: WE DO IT EVERY
NIGHT AT SEVEN, WE DO IT EVERY
NIGHT AT 7:00.
>> EVERY NIGHT.
WE DO IT ONCE A WEEK.
YOU SEE, THAT'S SUCH AN ENGLISH
THING, ISN'T IT?
YOU JUST DO IT MORE AND BIGGER
AND BETTER.
>> Stephen: I'M SURE YOU'RE
VERY BUSY THE OTHER NIETSZ.
>> YEAH, WE'VE GOT A LOT ON.
>> Stephen: YEAH.
>> YEAH, AND SOME PEOPLE HAVE
STARTED TO SORT OF PUSH BACK
AGAINST THAT.
NOT PUSHING BACK AGAINST NURSES 
AND DOCTORS BUT AGAINST THE
WHOLE IDEA OF THANKING.
WHY ARE WE THANKING THEM?
IT'S AN EMPTY PATRONIZING
GESTURE, AND WE SHOULDN'T BE-- I
DON'T REALLY KNOW.
I CAN'T BE-- I CAN'T GO ALONG
WITH THAT.
I FEEL JUST SUCH IMMENSE
CONSTANT GRATITUDE, PARTICULARLY
BECAUSE I'M PROUD TO ANNOUNCE--
NOT ANNOUNCE BUT PROUD TO SAY
THAT MY-- MY SON IS ACTUALLY A
JUNIOR DOCTOR NOW, AND HE'S IN
WHAT WE CALL A.& E., AND YOU
CALL AN E.R.
AND SO HE'S SORT OF WHAT WE CALL
THE FRONT LINE.
THEY DON'T CALL IT THE FRONT
LINE, BUT THAT'S WHAT-- THAT'S
WHAT THE MEDIA CALL IT.
>> Stephen: OH, THAT'S
WONDERFUL.
THAT'S WONDERFUL.
SO YOU'RE THE-- "HOUSE" IS THE
FATHER OF A DOCTOR.
DOES HE EVER-- DOES HE CRITIQUE
YOUR PORTRAYAL OF A DOCTOR?
>> HE HASN'T-- HE HASN'T YET.
BUT I DARE SAY THAT DAY WILL
COME.
BECAUSE MY DAD WAS A DOCTOR AS
WELL.
SO I AM BOTH THE SON AND FATHER
OF A DOCTOR.
I AM THE SORT OF BIG SLICE OF
HAM IN THE MIDDLE OF THESE TWO
WONDERFUL PIECES OF WHOLE MEAL
BREAD.
I'M THE BIG-- I'M THE BIG FAT
FAKE IN THE MIDDLE, AND THEY
WERE BOTH THE REAL THING.
I THINK HE MIGHT-- HE MIGHT FIND
SOME THINGS TO CRITICIZE, YOU
KNOW, A FEW YEARS FROM NOW.
BUT HE'S-- HE'S JUST A
FIRST-YEAR-- WHAT THEY CALL A
FOUNDATION YEAR, JUNIOR DOCTOR
AT THE MOMENT.
>> Stephen: SO HE'S IN HIS--
HIS INTERNSHIP?
>> YEAH.
WELL, HE WOULD HAVE BEEN
ROTATING, EXCEPT NOW IT'S ALL
HANDS ON DECK.
AND, YOU KNOW, THE E.R. IS WHAT
IT'S ALL ABOUT AT THE MOMENT.
>> Stephen: HUGH, IF YOU COULD
JUST STAY RIGHT THERE IN THE
U.K. FOR A MOMENT, WE HAVE TO
TAKE A QUICK BREAK, BUT WE'LL BE
RIGHT BACK WITH MORE MR. HUGH
LAURIE.
