

A Special Kind of Love

By

Jeanette Muscella

Copyright © 2018 Jeanette Muscella

ISBN: 978-1-5323-8477-6

This book is the copyrighted property of the author and may not be reproduced, scanned, or distributed for any commercial or non-commercial use without permission from the author. If you are reading this book and did not purchase it, or if it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and download your copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

Dedication

I would like to thank my good friends Maria, Emma, Marthea, and Theresa, for your constant support and encouragement. I would also like to thank MaryAnne, who was kind enough to be one of my beta readers. And as always, this book is for you, Dad.
Chapter 1

My name is Michael Jessup, and the day that changed my life started at five thirty in the evening. As I was leaving my office, I called my girlfriend, Lauren.

"I'm leaving the office now. What time are you coming home tonight? Do you want me to start dinner?"

"I won't be home until after eleven. Eat without me."

"What's going on, Lauren? How many days are you going to avoid me?"

"Why do you think I'm avoiding you?"

"What else could it be? I haven't questioned why, but I am now. You've changed your shift without discussing it with me. Why are you avoiding me?" Lauren sighs into the phone, and now I know she is hiding something from me.

"Mike, I am not avoiding you. I have no control sometimes on what hours I have to work, and you know it. Stop questioning me!"

"I will stop questioning you when you tell me the goddamn truth!"

"I don't have time for this now, Mike. My rounds start in a few minutes."

"How convenient for you, isn't it? When you feel like talking, you know where I am!"

I am distracted by my phone call with Lauren, and I am angry. I walk the few blocks from the hospital to my favorite café. As I am about to open the door, my phone beeps with a message from Lauren.

I need to talk to you when I get home.

No apology. I respond. Are you okay?

No.

Concerned, I reply, Is something wrong?

Yes.

I am still looking down at my phone when I open the door, and because I am looking down at my phone, I fail to see what is happening in front of me. Two armed men are in the process of robbing the café. As soon as the door closes behind me, I feel the muzzle of a gun press into the back of my neck, and I am shoved further into the café.

"Get on the fucking floor, or I'll shoot your head off!"

I do as he says, and get on the floor, face down. The woman lying next to me is crying, and she is irritating the man standing over me. He walks over to her and kicks her in the stomach.

"I told you to shut the fuck up!"

I can see the other man behind the counter, and he looks strung out on something. His hand is shaking as he holds the gun to the owner's head.

"Hurry up, man. We have to get out of here before anyone sees us. Give me the money."

All I can think about is the gun at my back. He is still pointing it at me. There are only nine people in the café, and six of us are face down on the floor. The woman next to me will not shut the fuck up, and the man behind me becomes unhinged. I reach out to hold her hand, thinking this may calm her, but it only pisses off the guy behind me. Then I hear the gun go off, and I feel the bullet hit my arm. No, that's incorrect. It shattered my forearm.

The other people on the floor start screaming, and the guy behind the counter is pistol-whipped and left bleeding on the floor. Several things happen at once. My vision blurs as the pain hits me head-on. I'm bleeding out. I do not want to die on a dirty fucking floor. I feel someone take off my coat and wrap something around my arm. It feels tight. I hear sirens and people rushing to help me. Then...the world goes dark.

When I open my eyes again, I see lights flashing over me. I'm on a gurney, and there are several people around me screaming and barking orders. I try to listen to what they are saying, but the pain is so intense, I can't breathe, and when I try to move my fingers, nothing happens. I try to speak, but I am too weak. That's the last thing I remember.

oOo

The sounds of clicking and beeping are the first things I hear when I open my eyes. The room is semi-dark. What time is it? Slowly, my eyes adjust to the dimness of the hospital room. I am afraid to look at my arm because somewhere deep within me, I know the outcome, and when I look down, my worst fear is now a reality. I have lost a part of my forearm and my hand. What I see now are bandages and blood. Life as I know it is over.

The days pass by me in a blur of noise and pain, and I don't know how long I've been in this drug-induced state of denial. Faces that I don't recognize come in and out of my room. I vaguely remember speaking to some of them. The morphine dulls the pain, but it also dulls my mind. My parents have been in and out of the room several times. The nurse has been gradually reducing my morphine drip because now I feel the most intense pain that I've ever felt in my life. My eyes tear up when the nurse touches my...my...stump, to change the bandage. I want to die. Why didn't I die? I know the drill, and as if on cue, my doctor makes an appearance. I recognize him. It's my friend Chris Hamilton. He stops at the foot of my bed to review my chart, then looks up at me with sympathy in his eyes.

"How are you feeling today, Mike?"

"How am I supposed to feel, Chris? Happy to be alive? Well, I'm not happy."

"We have resources here in the hospital that can help you adjust to what has happened to you."

"And how will they help me adjust Chris? Feed me bullshit about how lucky I am to be alive? That I can still live a fulfilling, productive life? Can they re-attach my hand?"

"That's exactly what they will do, Mike. A terrible thing has happened to you, but your life is far from over. Let's concentrate on the first phase of your recovery. I'd like to examine the incision and have the nurse re-dress the wound."

"Go ahead; it's not like I'm going anywhere."

The bandage is sticking to my arm, and it hurts like a mother fucker when Chris removes the bandages and examines the incision. I briefly look at my arm and feel the bile rise in my throat. My career as a surgeon is over. My life hangs in the balance. I want to die.

While Chris continues looking at my arm, my parents walk into the room. It's apparent to me by their disheveled appearance that they have been in the hospital since the shooting. Where is Lauren? I don't remember how many days it's been, and I don't care. Time means nothing to me now. My mother walks over to the other side of the bed, and when she bends down to kiss me, I want to cry. I want my mom to tell me everything will be okay, but I know it won't.

"The incision is healing, Mike. We should have you in rehab by the end of the week."

"I don't care what you do. Leave me alone, okay? I can't deal with this now."

"If you need me, let one of the nurses know. I'll do whatever I can to help you."

"Yeah, thanks."

oOo

It's not lost on me that Lauren hasn't visited me since the surgery. I've asked a few of the nurses to call her office, and they've told me that she is not returning their calls. I don't understand why she is ignoring me. Is she repulsed by the loss of my hand? Did she come to see me when I was unconscious? I ask my mother if she has spoken to Lauren. Mom and Dad share nervous glances with each other, and now I know something is wrong.

"Just tell me, Mom. What's wrong?"

"Oh, honey, I don't want to bring this up now, but I don't want to lie to you. Lauren was here yesterday afternoon to visit you. You were asleep, so we spoke to her for a few minutes. Honey, Lauren wants to end your relationship. She told me that she would move her things out of the house before you get home."

My mind is scrambled because of the pain, so it takes me a minute or two to comprehend what I've just heard. All I can ask is, "Why?" And then, of course, I look down at what remains of my left arm, and in my heart, I already know the answer. I close my eyes and feel the tears run down the side of my face and into my hairline. My mother's soft touch does nothing to soothe the bone-deep pain that grips me like a vice.

"What else did she say?"

My parents share nervous glances with each other again before my mother answers my question.

"I asked her why would she do this to you when you need her. Lauren told me that the two of you have been arguing, and she wants to end the relationship. She said she was going to tell you the day of the shooting. I know it sounds terrible Mike, and I don't know what else to say."

My mind reels at what my mother just said to me. My sense of self-worth just tanked. "I thought Lauren loved me. Obviously, that's no longer true."

"What can I do for you, sweetheart?" I hear my mom ask me.

Really, what can she do for me? "Can you tell me I'll get through this? I don't know what to do! I'm scared, Mom."

My mother carefully sits on the side of my bed and holds my hand. My father stands behind her. "You are a strong young man, Mike. Your recovery will be a long process, and you need to take it one day at a time. Believe it or not, you will get through this, and you will get on with your life. It may be a different life than what you had planned, but you are still the same person. I know you can do this, Mike. Your father and I will support you one hundred percent. We love you, and nothing will ever change our love for you."

"I don't feel strong, Mom. I feel helpless. My career is over."

"You are not helpless," my father says to me. "Use your medical knowledge, son. Keep yourself focused on the end goal, and that is to live in the moment. You cannot worry about your career. Focus on your recovery, and everything else will fall into place."

God, I hope my father is right because, at this moment, all I want to do is end this pain. After my parents leave my room, I lay in bed and stare at the ceiling. The throbbing in my arm is beyond intense, and I reach over and press the buzzer for the nurse. Several seconds later, she walks into my room.

"I need you to increase the morphine drip. The pain in my arm is driving me crazy."

"I am sorry, Mr. Jessup. The orders in your chart are for me to decrease the medication slowly."

She walks to the foot of the bed to review my chart. "The next dose is scheduled for nine in the evening."

The nurse writes something in my chart and leaves the room. My mind blanks out for a few minutes as I try to push back the pain. Nothing can push back the pain. It radiates through my entire body like fire. I am hooked up to a few IV's, and I have a port in my neck for the morphine drip.

My mind wanders as I try to imagine how my life will change, and I cannot accept any of it. How can I live with one hand? My surgical career is over. I can no longer play basketball, hockey, or football. Will my friends look at me differently? Lauren left me without so much as a goodbye. How cowardly of her to do this to me when I need her.

And that's when I see a way out of this nightmare. On the food table in front of me is a ballpoint pen. The nurse left her pen on the table. I know what I need to do. I need to end this misery now. Slowly, and with great pain, I get up and out of bed, pulling the IV pole with me. I reach for the pen and drag my body into the bathroom.

When I turn on the light, what I see in the mirror truly frightens me. My face is a shell of my former self. Dark circles are around my eyes, and my face is nothing but skin and bones. I don't recognize the face staring back at me, and what I see further solidifies my resolve.

I place the pen on the vanity, and with a trembling hand, I slowly remove the tape that is holding the port in my neck. I take a deep breath, and when I remove the port, blood spurts down the front of my gown, and nausea grips me. I know my actions will destroy my parents, but I don't have the strength to stop the thoughts that bombard my mind. I must do this. I pick up the pen and aim it at the small hole in my neck that continues to bleed down the front of my gown. With all of the strength that I have within me, I plunge the pen into my carotid artery and pray for death.

The room spins all around me, and as my life force leaks out of my neck, what strength I have in my legs leaves me. When I fall onto the tiled floor, the IV pole falls with me, and in the process rips the IV's out of my arm which sets off the alarm. The last thing that I remember is the sound of that fucking machine beeping in my ear as I lay on the floor bleeding out.

oOo

When I open my eyes again, my parents are sitting next to the bed. I feel like I am choking and when I raise my hand to my neck, thick bandages cover where I tried to stab myself. My father sees me touching my neck and shakes his head.

"Why, Mike? Why did you try to kill yourself? Why would you hurt us this way?"

I have no answer, and the only thing that I can do is turn my face away from my parents. I can't look at them. I can't face them. What's left to say anyway? Oh, sorry, I botched my suicide. Let's try it again. Sorry, Mom and Dad. Didn't mean to hurt you. The only person I want to destroy is me. And by doing so, I hurt my parents. My father is still talking to me.

"Why, Mike? I'd like an answer!"

"It's my life and my decision if I want to end it. The way I see it, my life will never be the same, and I don't want to live with one hand."

I will never forget the look on my father's face as he gets up out of his chair, dragging my mother with him. He turns to look at me one last time, and what comes out of his mouth hurts me more than my arm.

"If you want to die, we won't stop you."

Hot tears erupt from my eyes as I watch my parents walk out of my room. My hand goes up to my neck again, and my father's words loop in my mind. "We won't stop you." Is he taunting me to try it again? Does he no longer love me? What have I done?

The next day, I receive a visit from the resident shrink, Joe Wilkinson. He takes a few minutes to review my chart, then checks the wound on my neck. He pulls over a chair and sits on the side of my bed.

"How are you feeling today, Mike?"

Anger rises in me. How many times have I heard that fucking question? "How do you think I fucking feel? I tried to kill myself. Shouldn't that give you some indication of my current state of mind?"

"I talked to your parents a few minutes ago. They are very concerned about you."

"Tell me something I don't already know."

"You are very angry." It's a statement, not a question.

"Of course, I'm angry! Look at my fucking arm! Wouldn't you also be angry?"

"Yes, I would be angry, even outraged, but ending your life is not the answer. It's a very selfish thing to do to your parents, and to the people who love you."

"Tell that to my girlfriend who dumped my sorry ass at the first sign of trouble. She didn't have the balls to tell me to my face."

"That's not a valid reason to commit suicide, is it?" Joe asks me.

"I can give you more than one reason why I want to kill myself."

"Aside from your girlfriend, what are the reasons?"

I think about Joe's question, and the truth stings. Every excuse that I've thought of is superficial. Playing sports, hanging out with my friends, my career. All of it means nothing in the grand scheme of things, and I suddenly feel very remorseful, and ashamed.

"I can tell by the look on your face that your reasons are not valid ones. You've acted irrationally, and in the process, hurt yourself and your family. Am I correct?"

"Um...yes."

"Your life is not over Mike, but you will have a long road to face once you leave the hospital."

"I know, and I'm scared."

"I can help you if you will let me. You are not my first patient who has suffered a debilitating injury, and you are certainly not my first patient who considered suicide as a way out of the pain. Your life drastically changed in a matter of minutes, and it will take months, maybe years, to adjust to what awaits you. Let us help you, Mike. Our PT department has excellent therapists who will help you to adjust."

"I have to know something. Is it possible for me to have a productive life with this limitation? Don't bullshit me, Joe. Tell me the truth."

"Yes, it is possible to have a productive life, but getting to that point in your life will take determination and focus. It won't be easy for you, but it is possible if you keep an open mind and commit to the therapy. What you did yesterday was wrong, Mike. I think you know this. I also believe that you need to have a conversation with your parents."

I know. I'll talk to my mother and father as soon as possible." Joe hands me his card.

"Call me anytime day or night. I'll stop by PT once you have been transferred, and we can continue this conversation."

"I appreciate your help, but I can't deal with you while I try to recover. I know what I did was wrong, and if I feel like I am slipping again, I will call you."

"Fair enough, Mike. Just know that I am here if you need me."

Later that night, I call my parents. My mother picks up the phone, and when she hears my voice, she breaks down crying. I cry with her.

"I'm sorry Mom. I'm so sorry I hurt you."

"You are breaking my heart, Mike. I love you so much."

"I love you too, Mom. I need help."

"What can we do to help you?"

"Don't hate me for what I did yesterday. Please, don't hate me."

"Oh, my baby, I could never hate you. You scared me so much. When I saw all of the blood, I thought you would die, and I would die with you. Promise you won't do this again."

"I promise."

This is the first time that I have ever lied to my mother because I still feel like dying.
Chapter 2

I have been in the hospital for seven days, and today, I receive a visit from Detective Holloway. My dad told me yesterday that the police are still looking for the motherfucker who shot me, and in fact, the police believe that the two of them are responsible for several other robberies in the area. The detective walks into my room, followed by my father and unbeknownst to the Detective, my uncle Steve, who is also the family's lawyer.

"Mr. Jessup, I am Detective Holloway. How are you feeling today?"

"I'm still in a lot of pain, but it's easing up a little each day."

"You are very fortunate. This type of robbery doesn't end well. Would you mind if I ask you a few questions? We still have an open investigation."

"Sure. Please sit down."

The Detective sits in the chair next to my bed, and my dad and uncle sit in the chairs by the window. I see my uncle take a notepad out of his pocket. He gives me a wink, and I smile at him.

"Mr. Jessup. The café did not have security cameras. Are you able to describe the two men that robbed the café?"

"I can only give you a description of the man behind the counter. When I walked into the store, the other man quickly overtook me, and I was face down on the floor."

I give the detective a detailed description, and he opens his briefcase and takes out a photo array. He shows them to me, and I immediately recognize the man behind the counter.

"That one, he's the guy behind the counter," I say as I point at the picture in his hand.

"Thank you, Mr. Jessup. The other patrons in the café were unable to identify anyone, but the owner of the store recognized this person. The other patrons were too afraid to look up, for fear of being hurt."

"I only looked up for a few seconds. Have you captured them?"

"Unfortunately, no. We have an APB out on this man, but we have been unable to identify the other suspect. Can you tell me anything about the other man?"

I think for a few minutes. "My memories are still fuzzy, but I do remember that the guy who shot me was eye level with me because when I looked up from my phone, he was in my sight of vision for a few seconds before he told me to get on the floor. I remember he had weird looking eyes. I think they were gray. He was Caucasian. That's all I remember, unfortunately."

"We think the two of them have committed other crimes in the area. We are currently reviewing security tapes in and around the student housing buildings. If you think of anything else, here is my card. Please call me anytime."

I take the card and put it on the table by my bed. The last thing I need to think about is the fact that these two men are still out on the streets hurting other people.

oOo

Later that day, I am transferred to the rehabilitation wing of the hospital. Every step that I take sends stinging pain up my arm. My arm is in a padded sling, but it does nothing to buffer the agony that I feel, which is still intense. The meds keep me dazed and a little confused, but I need it to function.

I decided to take a short walk up and down the corridor. My legs feel weak from continually lying in bed. My heart constricts in my chest when I see some of the patients on this floor. So many children are in this ward. Children with missing limbs and all of them have a smile on their faces. Makes me feel inadequate in comparison. I've done nothing but worry about things that are no longer in my control, and these beautiful children wake up in the morning with a smile on their faces.

I walk to one of the therapy rooms and step inside. Several children are learning how to walk with their new prosthesis. I sit in one of the chairs and watch them with newfound respect. It takes courage, something that I've failed at miserably, to regain mobility. It's not the same for me, but seeing this gives me hope.

"Hi, mister. What's your name?"

I look over and see a young boy, maybe seven or eight years old, staring at me.

"My name is Mike. What's your name?"

"I'm Billy. I got my new replacement leg today. Isn't it cool? It's way better than my old one."

Billy's leg is the latest technology in prosthetics.

"It's way cool! How does it feel?"

"It hurts a little, but it's okay. Mom told me that I have to learn how to walk with it. What happened to your arm?"

I do not want to tell this sweet child that a sick fucker shot off half of my arm.

"I had an accident and lost part of my arm."

"Are you here to get better?"

"Yeah. Today is my first day in rehab."

"The doctors and nurses here are super friendly. I get ice cream every night, and the nurses play games with us."

"What kind of games?"

Billy grabs my hand. "Come on, and I'll show you."

I follow Billy to one of the other rooms. Inside there are orange cones lined up in a zig-zag pattern, with yellow tape on the floor. Billy is excited to show me what he's learned.

"This is a cool game. You have to follow the yellow tape while bouncing a basketball. The first time I tried, I fell a lot. I had my old leg, and it wasn't as cool as this one. Watch. I'll show you how to do it."

I watch as Billy expertly but slowly maneuvers the obstacle course, and when he gets to the finish line, he smiles and gives me a high-five.

"My leg is so cool, and it doesn't hurt too much when I walk. The foot looks different, and the doctor said that it's because they had to match the size of my other foot. Isn't that weird? I practiced a lot today, and now I get ice cream. Do you want some too?"

Right about now, a bowl of ice cream is just what I need. "That sounds terrific, Billy. Lead the way."

oOo

My therapist, Carol Nichols, must be a former Marine Sergeant because all she has done the past two days is bark orders at me. Well, barking is an incorrect verb, it's more like she is verbally pushing me, and I don't like it. I've realized almost immediately that life will be difficult for me.

Something as simple as brushing my teeth takes effort that I don't have. My arm has healed to the point that I no longer need the bandages. I now have a stump shrinker, which is a compression sleeve to help with postoperative edema, and the compression helps with the pain.

Billy has become my new best friend and visits me every night after dinner. We play cards and watch cartoons, and his company is just what I need at the moment. He goes home at the end of the week, and while I am glad to see him leave this place, I will miss the time that I've spent with him.

Yesterday, I managed to take a shower, and it was a nightmare. Carol stood behind me dressed in a bathing suit and helped me get washed. I had to use one of those loofah sponges on a stick to clean my ass. Talk about humiliating. If I didn't feel like killing myself, I would laugh at the absurdity of the situation. It's not funny though because if I cannot do something as essential as wash my ass, I am in deep trouble.

You take things for granted until you can no longer do them. I've realized this over the past few days. I also understand that I need this therapy. Several times I've reached out for something with my left arm and fought the urge to scream. I know this is a temporary situation, and one day, I will have my prosthesis, but in the meantime, I must learn how to navigate with one hand. It is going to be a long month.

Carol insists that I do as much as possible to acclimate myself to my disability. They have a fully-equipped kitchen, as well as a mock living room, bedroom, and bathroom. This week I have learned how to feed myself. Several of my little friends find this amusing, and their laughter goes a long way toward helping me rein in my anger.

Today, I made breakfast for myself, and it took a lot of concentration. I can't just move around like I once did. Every movement must be choreographed to avoid tipping over. I never noticed until I started walking around that there is a weight difference on the left side of my body. I am beyond happy this morning because I made a huge pot of oatmeal without burning myself, and the kids all clapped and cheered for me, then ate what I had cooked for them.

Billy is going home this morning, and I will miss his smiling face and his optimistic attitude. I pray that one day soon, I will feel the way he does now.

"So, Billy boy, I bet you're happy to be going home. I am going to miss you, kiddo."

"I'll miss you too, Mike. My mom told me that it's okay to give you our phone number. Will you call me?"

I take the piece of paper from him and put it in my pocket. "Yep, I will call you. Are you nervous about going home?"

"A little. Some of my friends don't understand about my leg. I can't do some of the things I had done before I got hurt. I don't want them making fun of me because I can't run fast anymore."

"How did you lose your leg, Billy?"

"My dad picked us up after school. A big truck crashed into the back of our car. My dad died, and my leg got hurt. My sister also got hurt, but she's okay now, only she won't talk to anyone. My mom is sad. She cries a lot at night. Granny and Gramps lived with us because my mom had to go to work, and she couldn't take care of me. I don't want the kids at school, laughing at me."

"I know how you feel, Billy. Just be yourself, and you will be okay. I am also afraid. I am a doctor, a surgeon, and now that I only have one hand, I can't operate anymore."

"But you still have a good arm and two legs. That's what my mom always says to me. I have two good arms and one leg, and I can do anything if I want it bad enough. I want to be a doctor. I want to help people get better when they are sick. I wish I could help my mom feel better. We miss Dad a lot."

"Your mom is brilliant. You can do anything you want to do, and I think you would be an excellent doctor. You helped me when I first arrived here. I was sad, Billy, and then I met you, and you cheered me up. You made me see that I can get better too. It will take some time for your mom to feel better, but I can guarantee that having you for a son will help your mom feel better."

"Really? I don't want my mom to cry. Granny and Gramps tell me that someday my mom will feel better. When I went home from the hospital, I cried a lot because my dad wasn't there to play with me. My mom doesn't play with me. We had to move to a new house last year, and I miss some of my friends. I'm afraid of cars. How long will I be afraid of cars, Mike?"

"Billy, everyone reacts differently when something bad or sad happens to them. It will take time for you to feel comfortable riding in a car again. What happened to your dad is a tragic accident, but you cannot be afraid to live your life."

"Will she always be sad?" Billy asks me.

"No, your mom won't always be sad, but a part of her heart will always miss your dad, just like you do now."

I give Billy my numbers too. "When you get home, if you feel like talking, you can call me anytime. We are buddies now, and friends need to help each other."

"Really? I can call you anytime?"

"Yep, anytime. Be a good boy, Billy. I know you will be fine with your new leg. You already ran circles around me. I want you to remember that even though you have only one leg, there is nothing that you can't do if you want it bad enough."

Billy gives me a long hug goodbye. God, I am going to miss him. I see the nurse standing in the doorway, and I know it's time for him to go home. I wipe a few tears that have fallen down his face and kiss his forehead.

"Bye, Mike." He whispers to me.

I stand in the doorway and watch Billy until he turns the corner, taking a piece of my heart with him.

oOo

One Month later

Today is the day that I face my new reality. I am going home after one month of rehab, and as I sit on the edge of my hospital bed looking at where my hand used to be, I am terrified of what happens next in my life. I am a doctor, and it's easy giving someone else advice in this situation. It's not so easy taking the help of others when all I want to do is hide from the world.

My gut still churns every time I look at the part of my sleeve that I have pinned to my upper arm. I have purposely not thought about Lauren while I have been here, but now that I am going home, the reality is that I am returning to an empty house, and an empty bed. I thought about calling her a few dozen times since I've been here, and every time that I had my hand on the phone, something stopped me from calling her.

Billy calls me almost every night since he went home, and without his constant chatter about everything and nothing, the past month would have been hell on earth for me. My little buddy saved me.

The therapists talk about phantom pain, but it's more than just the pain. I still feel my arm. I still feel my fingers. I still feel the weight of the watch that I wore on my wrist. In my mind's eye, I still have my hand, and until I accept the reality that it's gone, life will be tough for me to navigate. Lost in thought, I did not hear Carol come into my room. She sits in the chair next to my bed and opens my chart.

"How are you today? Are you ready to go home?"

"Not really, but I can't live here forever. I am more than a little apprehensive about what happens next."

"Remember what we have discussed, Mike. Give yourself time to heal. The nerves in your stump are still sensitive, and it will take a few months before you can wear your prosthesis without pain. There is no shame in admitting that you need help. Will you always need help? No, and that's the point of therapy."

"I have given you the tools to cope with your limitations but remember that you will make mistakes. It will take a few months to adjust to your day-to-day life. Living here is easy because someone is always with you. That won't be the case when you go home. If you break something, let it roll off your shoulders. Dishes are replaceable."

"Use your other body parts as I've shown you. Use your teeth for toothpaste caps. Use your hip whenever possible, to carry items. Use your knees to hold jars or other items with a twist lid. All of this is in your discharge folder. I have also given you several suggestions on how to reorganize your house."

"Small baskets and tote bags are critical for you now. They will make it easier for you to carry items, especially groceries and laundry. Buy several mesh laundry bags. Sort your laundry using them, and it will be easier for you when it's time to wash your clothes. You can drag the laundry bag around the house instead of trying to carry it. I've also included a brochure that has many items to help you in your day-to-day life. Take a look at it."

"All of this is covered by your insurance. Take advantage of what is available and get everything in the brochure. Try to focus on new ways to do the things that you enjoyed before the shooting, even if you need to be extra creative to find solutions. Focus on what the future holds rather than what you have lost. Your body image is likely to become more confident once you are comfortable with your prosthesis, and you will know this is starting to happen when you feel naked without it."

"The most important thing for you to remember is that the loss of your forearm and hand does not define who you are. Get out and go for a walk. Do as many things as possible and live a full life. Be very careful when you are walking. Your body is off balance, and you may sway a bit when you walk. Use a cane for a few months until you have your prosthesis."

"I've noticed already that my balance is off. I think a cane is a good idea. I'm nervous, Carol. What happens if I fall?"

"If possible, roll into the fall. Do not outstretch your good arm as a defense mechanism to break your fall. Use the cane at all times, and watch where you walk. Cracked or uneven pavements are dangerous to someone with a disability. Try to avoid situations that put you on uneven ground."

"Have a clear path unobstructed from clutter at home. Keep a light on at night. You have the tools necessary to be successful, Mike. I know this, and I know you will be okay. It will take time. Don't forget our appointment on the eighteenth. We will have our first field trip, and I want you to drive."

"Why does this terrify me?"

"It's traumatic for anyone in your situation, but I will tell you that once you get past the initial fear, you will feel comfortable driving again. It is going to take time, Mike, but if you avoid doing certain things out of fear, you will have a difficult time adjusting to your new life. Trust me, okay?"

"I do trust you, Carol. Otherwise, I wouldn't have let you help me take a shower and get dressed. You have seen the worst part of me, and yet, you still talk to me."

Carol smiles at me. "It's what I do best, and you have been an excellent patient. The stories I could tell you would make your hair stand on end. I want you to know that I have your back, and if you need anything, please call me."

"Thank you, Carol. I've learned a lot from you. If I need anything, I will call you."

When Carol leaves my room, I stare at the folder on my bed and say a silent prayer while I wait for my parents to drive me home. I never imagined in a million years that my life would change the way that it has, and if I am to survive, to thrive, I need to accept my disability and move forward. What happens with my career is another story for another day. I can't handle all of this at once. My mind will not go there because if I do, I will lose my focus. One thing at a time.

The nurse arrives with a wheelchair, and as I am leaving the hospital, panic grips my throat. It is do or die time for me. My father is the first person that I see when the door opens. My parents, Helen and Ronald Jessup have been my most significant support since the shooting. He takes my suitcase and throws it in the trunk, then helps me out of the wheelchair. My legs feel unsteady, and a little weak from lack of activity. I haven't had much of an appetite while in rehab, and my mother notices that my pants are sagging. She hugs me, and I want to cry.

"We will stay with you for as long as you need us."

"I'd like that, Mom. I don't want to be alone for a few days. I'm still a little wobbly."

My dad wraps his arm around me and hugs me. "We will stay for as long as you need us son. Let's go home."

oOo

When I open my front door and step into the house, tears well in my eyes because I am so happy to be home. The house smells like my mother has been cleaning all week. I open a few windows and sit in my favorite chair. The remote for the television is on the left arm of the recliner, and it is a stark reminder that I no longer have a left hand. Is this what Carol meant by reorganizing?

"The house looks, good Mom. How long were you cleaning?"

My mom sits on the arm of the chair and runs her fingers through my hair.

"Dad and Aunt Betty helped me clean, and Aunt Betty stocked the refrigerator. I talked to Carol a few weeks ago, and she gave me a few suggestions on how to reorganize some things to make it easier for you. Come into the kitchen, and I'll show you."

I follow my mother and my jaw drops when I see what she has done to my kitchen. My father lowered all of the cabinets by at least six inches, and there is a fresh coat of paint on the walls.

"Dad dropped all of the cabinets which will make it easier for you to reach for things. There are several wicker baskets under the butcher-block table. Use them when you shop for groceries. Dad also changed the direction of the refrigerator and freezer doors. All of the pots and pans that you had hanging over the island are now stored in the cabinet by the back door. Everything is now within reach, which should make it easier for you to cook. You also have a food processor and a gadget that chops veggies."

I stare dumbfounded at my remodeled kitchen. My dad stands behind me and places both hands on my shoulders.

"If there is anything that you want me to change, let me know, and I'll take care of it for you. We've also made a few modifications to your bedroom, office, and bathroom. Nothing major, just making it easier for you to navigate."

I am deeply touched and so grateful that my parents did this for me. I turn to face my father with tears in my eyes. He wipes the tears from my face and wraps his arms around me. So many emotions hit me all at once, and I finally cry for what I've lost. My father holds me in his arms for a long time while I cry. My mother's soft, gentle hand runs soothing circles up and down my back.

"It's okay honey," I hear my mom say. "You are a strong young man, and you will get through this. We will help you."

All I can say is, "Thanks, Mom."

Later that night, after my parents had gone to bed, I pace the confines of my bedroom. It's not lost on me that all of Lauren's belongings are no longer in the closet, the drawers, and the bathroom. The double vanity in the bathroom no longer holds all of Lauren's perfume and makeup. I purposely installed a vanity large enough to keep all of her stuff. I joked about it at the time, but deep down, it felt good seeing our lives co-mingle. I wanted her living with me for a very long time, and when she finally decided to split her time between her house and mine, I knew we were one step closer to marriage.

I bought a ring, and I wanted to give it to her on our anniversary. How could I be so wrong about someone? Five years of what I thought was a good life, and now it's all gone in the blink of an eye. Was I so stupid to have missed something significant?

Did she leave me because of my hand? It doesn't matter because what I see now is a stark contrast to the happy future I had planned for us. Looking at the empty vanity wallops me. Lauren left me when I needed her, and I don't have the balls to call her because I don't want to hear the truth.

Why would she leave me at a time when I am so broken, so lost in the world? The loss of my hand is devastating for me, and when I need her comfort and support, what I find instead is an empty house. I also noticed that she took a few things with her. I had a comfortable afghan draped over the back of my recliner. That's gone, as well as everything that Lauren brought with her from her house.

I don't care if all that stuff is no longer in my house. What hurts my soul is knowing she left me when I needed her. Her abrupt departure from my life feels like she died. Three hours later, I am still unable to sleep and become more restless by the minute. I take another pill and pray for sleep.
Chapter 3

How hard is it to make a goddamn pot of coffee? And, said coffee pot hurts like a mother fucker when it burns my fingers. I practically break my neck tripping over my cane while running to the sink to turn on the cold water. How many times in rehab did I make a pot of coffee, and now that I am finally home, I fail miserably? I can't do this. I feel like an asshole because something as simple as making a fucking pot of coffee turns into a big production.

I need to make this work because it will be several months before I have my new arm. The phantom pain is constant, and until my stump can handle the pressure of the prosthesis, that option is off the table. I look down at my arm, with the sleeve pinned up and I seriously question why that bullet did not take my life.

While I was in rehab, Carol taught me how to maneuver in the kitchen, but in real life, it's not always that simple. I don't have someone standing behind me, guiding my every move. I really want a cup of coffee, so I grab the pot holder, and carefully pour myself a cup. Home ten days, and I am already frustrated. Everything is a goddamn problem, from making coffee to getting dressed in the morning. Everything takes three times as long to complete. Tying my shoelaces is impossible. Just thinking about getting into my modified car to go to the market has me breaking out in a cold sweat, and that makes me angry.

Every time I look at the steering wheel attachment, I want to throw up. My mind continually replays the day I was shot. I can't go one day without thinking about it. Gone is the promising career as a surgeon. Gone is the girlfriend who cannot live with my disability. What do I have now? A large empty house, a bleak future, and constant pain that shoots up what's left of my arm.

I've turned into a miserable person. After my parents went to bed, I sit in the quiet of my living room staring at the television, and when I hear the doorbell, I cringe. I do not want visitors. When I open the door, it shocks me to see Lauren standing in front of me holding a garment bag.

"What do you want, Lauren?" I asked with irritation in my voice.

"I...um...I want to return some things that don't belong to me."

I open the door wider for her, and Lauren hesitantly steps inside the house.

"Whatever you have to give to me, take it upstairs to the bedroom and get out of my house. I have no energy to fight with you."

"I don't want to fight with you, Mike."

"Then why are you in my house irritating me? What do you have to give me that was so goddamn important that you had to show up at my door?"

I watch Lauren walk up the steps, and I feel nothing but resentment for the woman that I once loved. My curiosity gets the better of me, and I follow her up the stairs. When I see what is on the bed, my heart sinks.

"Why, Lauren? I gave those to you as gifts."

"I don't want them, Mike. I thought it was best to return them to you, along with the key to the house."

"I am going to ask you again, Lauren. Why? Why did you leave me? I don't want the fucking gifts. I want answers!"

Lauren doesn't answer me, but she doesn't have to because the look of guilt on her face is enough for me.

"I no longer owe you an explanation. Our relationship has ended, and what I do with my life is my business, not yours."

"Your life has been my business for the past five years. Is there someone else? Is that why you left me? I refuse to believe you would be so callous as to leave me when I am injured."

When she doesn't answer me, my gut speaks to me, and I don't like how I feel because the pieces of the puzzle finally fit together. The sudden change in work hours. Her departure from the house before me in the morning. Our lack of a sex life a few months before the shooting. It makes sense now. Lauren has been unfaithful to me, and that hurts more than I can say. It was never about my hand. She has another man in her life. Lauren walks to the door without saying a word, and I let her go because I don't have the strength to question her further.

Lauren returned the fur coat that I bought her for Christmas and the diamond necklace that I gave her for her birthday last year. I stare in stunned silence at the fur coat for several minutes. My mind is still trying to figure out what the hell happened to our relationship. This goes far beyond my injury.

Her words hurt because I know how much Lauren loved the coat. I walk over to the bed and stare at the note attached to the garment bag.

"I am sorry, Mike, but I can no longer wear this coat. Sell it or give it to your mother. I don't care what you do with it."

My body feels like it weighs a ton, and I have to sit down before I fall down. I am still sitting on the bed when I hear my mother walk into the room. She takes one look at my face and sits down next to me. I cave...I just crumble like stale cake. My mother's arms go around me, and I'm five years old again.

"What happened, Mike? Can you tell me what happened that has you so upset?"

I tell my mother about the coat and the necklace.

"It hurts, Mom. I don't understand what happened to our relationship. We had a fight the day I was shot. I was so angry with her, and my last words to her were in anger. The look on her face today hit me hard. She is a stranger to me, and I don't know why."

"It doesn't matter now. You need to focus on your recovery. Lauren made her decision, and she has to live with that decision. All you can do now is concentrate on the present."

"Can you get the coat and the necklace out of my house? Take them to a consignment shop or keep them."

I get up and walk to my dresser. I take her ring out of my watch box and give it to my mother.

"Oh, Mike. When did you buy this ring?"

"I bought it a few months ago. I wanted to propose on our anniversary. That's not going to happen now. Take this to Greg and sell it. I don't want her ring in my house. I don't want any reminders of what I've lost."

"Do you want to come home with us, Mike? Do you want to get out of this house?"

"No. Lauren will not drive me out of my house. She left me, not the other way around."

oOo

It's after midnight, and I feel like my head is about to explode. I can't stop thinking about Lauren, and as I look around my bedroom, memories of our lovemaking and Saturday morning cartoons feel like a stab in the back. I feel like I'm suffocating as I pace the room. I need to get out of this house. My parents have gone to bed, so I sneak out of my house and walk down the street.

I shouldn't be walking by myself because I may trip in the dark, but I really don't care if I fall and crack my head open. I've never felt so disgusted and so worn out in my entire life. I'm tired of going through the motions like I care because I don't. I have no idea how long I've been walking, and I am surprised that I have the energy, but somehow, I made it to Kelly Drive.

I'm on the side by the river, and I stop and sit on the wall to catch my breath. There aren't many cars on the road tonight, and it feels peaceful. The smell of the river water shoots up my nose, and my mind flashes back to the many weekends I spent with my father fishing.

My arm starts to throb, and I'm pissed off because I can't get five fucking minutes of peace. I turn around, so my legs are dangling off the wall, and as I look down at the river, I think to myself how easy it would be for me to just fall off the wall and end it now. With one hand, I can't swim so the water will take me quickly.

I'm leaning over a little bit further than is safe, and that's when I feel a hand on my shoulder. It's my father. I'm shocked to see him standing behind me.

"What are you doing here?" I ask him.

"I heard you leave the house, so I followed you. What are you doing, Mike? You know you shouldn't be out at this time of night."

"Why? Because of my arm? I can't take a fucking walk without you following me! I'm not a child!" If I weren't still sitting on the wall, I'd stomp my foot.

"Then stop acting like a child!" My father yells at me. "And get off the fucking wall before you fall into the river."

When I don't move, the look on my father's face changes in the blink of an eye. I say nothing as I turn around and put my feet on the ground. He's waiting for me to say something.

"I just want to take a walk. I'm sick of being stuck in the house. I didn't want to wake you, and honestly, I don't need your permission."

"No, you don't," he says and walks away from me.

I don't want to fight with my father, but the constant up my ass hovering is working on my last nerve. As much as I want to be alone at the moment, I need their help, so I pull up my big boy pants and follow my father back to my house.

Neither of us says a word, and that's sad because I've always had a good relationship with my father. Is this one more thing that will change because of my arm? And why do I still want to jump into the river?

oOo

I sent my Mom and Dad home yesterday. I love them dearly, but after nine days of constant hovering, I need time alone, and when I hear the doorbell, my mood sinks further into the gutter.

When I open the door, I see no one, and then I hear someone say, "I'm down here."

Looking down, I see a little girl holding a tray of cookies.

"Hi, I'm Susan, and I live in that house." She points to the house next to mine. "I asked my mommy if I could bring over these cookies for you. Are you, Doctor Mike?"

"Yes, I am, and who is your mommy?"

"That would be me. Hello, my name is Rebecca Montgomery, and this is my daughter. Susan wanted to make cookies for you. So, here we are with cookies."

Rebecca looks down at my missing arm, and I see pity in her eyes. The last thing I need is anyone feeling sorry for me. I am not in the mood to explain my missing appendage.

I say, "Thank you, but I do not eat cookies. It was nice meeting you," and closed the door in her face. One minute later, the doorbell rings again. This time, it is just Rebecca, and she is pissed off.

"Look, I don't care if you act like an asshole towards me, but it took a lot of courage for my daughter to come over here and offer you cookies."

"What's wrong with your daughter?" I ask, sounding like the asshole that I am at the moment.

"It's none of your fucking business. Have a nice life!"

I stare in stunned silence as she walks away from me. I close the door and lean against the wall. I have reached a new low in my life. I have taken my anger and directed it toward a small child. You're a fucking idiot; I say to myself as I slip my feet into my shoes. When I open the door, Susan is sitting on my porch steps, and she is still holding the tray of cookies. She looks up when she hears the door open.

"Hi, are you still mad at me? I really want you to have these cookies."

"No, honey. I am not mad at you. I am mad at myself. Can I have a cookie?"

Susan hands me a cookie, and it melts in my mouth. I reach out and take another one.

"Why are you mad, Mike? Mrs. Henderson says you are a nice person, but you are not nice to me. Is it because you hurt your arm?"

How do you explain phantom pain to a child? "Yes, it's because I hurt my arm, and doing things is hard for me. Sometimes I act like a grumpy old man."

"What kind of things? Can I help you?"

"Thank you for the offer, Susan, but my therapist wants me to do things for myself."

"My mommy tells my brother Billy that he can do anything he wants to. He hurt his leg. He doesn't have it anymore. I cried a lot when he got hurt."

Can this be possible? Does Billy live next door to me?

"Mike, how did you hurt your arm?"

As I am about to answer her question, I see Rebecca and Billy walking towards me.

"Susan, don't bother Mr. Jessup. Come home with me."

Billy is grinning from ear to ear as he approaches my house. I go down to the bottom step to meet him.

"Oh, wow, Mike. You live next door to me! This is so cool that I can see you every day." Billy turns to his mother and says, "Mom, this is Mike. I told you about Mike. He is my friend from the hospital. He got hurt too."

"It's okay Rebecca. I want to apologize for my foul mood. It isn't fair taking it out on you or Susan. I don't mind answering her question, but it might frighten her. I'd rather tell you."

"Susan honey, why don't you and Billy go home and get ready for lunch. I'll give Mike his cookies."

"Okay, Mommy. Can we come back to visit you, Mike?"

"I'd like that, Susan. Thank you for the cookies."

Once Susan is across the lawn, I tell Rebecca what happened to me. I have to talk about it eventually, so why not today.

"I am, or I was, a cardiac surgeon at U of P Hospital. I was on my way home, and when I stopped for a cup of coffee and a few donuts, I inadvertently walked into a robbery. One of the men shot me in the arm. I knew almost immediately that I was in trouble. The bullet shattered my Ulna and Radius bones, and the only option was amputation below the elbow."

"My girlfriend left me while I was still in the hospital. Apparently, she has another man in her life. I left rehab two weeks ago, and you caught me at a bad time. I am sorry for being rude to you and Susan."

Rebecca responds. "I should also apologize for yelling at you. Billy looks forward to your nightly calls. You have made an incredible difference in his life. Life won't be easy for him, and I am grateful for the time you have given him."

"Billy is a great kid. He told me what had happened to your husband. I am sorry for your loss."

"Thank you. The past two years have been tough for the kids and me. As you know, my husband died in a car accident almost two years ago. It was a rainy Friday. Ben always picked the kids up from school on Friday. Usually, he took them to the movies and came home, but that day, they went for pizza."

"I talked to Ben after they left the movies, and he asked me if I wanted him to bring home a pizza for me, and I told him yes. I went upstairs to take a long hot bath. We joked about it often, because it was the only time during the week that I had the time to take a bath."

"I called Ben about an hour after I got out of the tub, but the call went to voicemail. He always answered my calls, and I began to worry. I kept calling, but he never picked up the call. It was around seven in the evening when I received a call from the hospital. My entire family was in the ER. I stood frozen in my living room as I listened to the nurse tell me that the loves of my life were severely injured in a car accident."

"When I got to the hospital, one of the doctors took me to a private room, and I knew something was terribly wrong. Ben was dead, my son had a severe leg injury, and my little baby had a minor head injury. The booster seat saved her life. I will never forget how I felt that day."

"My entire life and the lives of my children changed that day, and nothing that I do or say changes the outcome. My Ben is dead. The police told me that a box truck jumped a lane when it blew a tire, slammed into another car and caused a chain reaction accident. Ben died on the highway."

"I will never forget the day of Billy's surgery. The surgeon told me that there was an eighty percent chance that Billy would lose a part of his leg. A piece of metal slashed through the lower part of his leg when the car hit his side. I sat in the waiting room for what felt like forever begging and pleading to the higher powers to save my son's leg."

"My heart sank when I saw Billy in recovery. The lower part of his leg was gone. I fell to the floor next to his bed and cried a river of tears. One of the nurses had to help me off the floor because I couldn't walk."

"It was the worst day of my life, and I knew at that moment that my son's life would never be the same. I kept thinking, 'how do I help my son cope with the loss of his leg?' When Billy woke from the anesthesia, he looked down at his leg, and he cried. All I could do was hold him in my arms as he cried. It had taken about two weeks before Billy accepted his new life. One day, he just sat up and asked me when he can get his new leg."

"When my son finally got his prosthesis, Billy was off and running. In a few years, he will need a replacement as he grows. I've reached my cap on what the insurance company will pay. I still have Ben's life insurance money, and I've put that in a separate account for Billy's future medical needs. I know Billy will need at least three more prostheses before he is an adult."

"Susan has nightmares almost every night and is afraid to get into the car. I have to bribe her with ice cream. I found a child psychologist, but she is too young to verbalize her feelings, especially with a stranger. I tried to convince her to join the girl scouts. That was a nightmare. We got as far as the door, and then Susan wet herself."

"She won't talk to me about how she feels, and I can't get through to her. Susan wasn't like this before the accident. My neighbor watches her while I am at work, but she has to come to our house. Susan won't stay in her house during the day."

"Billy is the complete opposite of my daughter. He had a terrible thing happen to him, but every day he gets up with a positive attitude. I know he's afraid of what the other kids will think about his leg, but I tell him that he is special because he survived a bad thing, and he will be okay. I am so proud of his courage. How are you coping since you came home?"

"Not well. My therapist taught me how to function in occupational therapy, but it's different now that I'm home. No one is looking over my shoulder, offering guidance. I'm scared, Rebecca. I can't zip up my jeans or button my shirt without sweating. I won't have my prosthesis for a few months because my stump is still healing from the surgery."

"I'm sorry to dump my shit on your shoulders. I can't talk about this with my family. They've been hysterical since the shooting. If I did, my parents would move into my house, and I refuse to do that to them. My mom cries all the time, and my dad puts on a good front, but I know this is difficult for him. My dad was so proud that I was a surgeon, and now that part of my life is over. Honestly, I don't know what to do with myself."

"The important thing that you need to remember is that you have been given a second chance, and what you do with it will determine how you will live the remainder of your life. I want to say something to you now, and I don't want you to take it the wrong way. I want to be your friend, Mike. We're neighbors, and friends help each other."

"You have a special relationship with my son, and I want that to continue because you have made a huge difference in his life. You are all he talks about. My life changed when I lost my husband, and I've been very lonely the past two years. It's nice having a friend that I can talk to who doesn't look at me with sad eyes. I've had enough of that in my life. I know they care about me, but it eats away at me when my family and friends treat me differently. I feel like the fifth wheel, and I've stopped accepting invitations, and they have stopped asking."

"I have survived the worst tragedy of my life, and you will survive too. Take it one day at a time, and one problem at a time. My daughter has witnessed too much in her young life. That's why I was so surprised when she wanted to make cookies for you. I saw her looking out of the window the day you came home. Susan sees something in you that makes her feel safe."

"Really? I was a jackass to both of you."

"Extenuating circumstances, Mike. I never had anyone to lean on when I moved here, and it made life a little lonely for me. I work at Children's Hospital as an emergency room nurse. I have one friend outside the work environment, and she is married with children. Girl time is scarce, but I accept the fact that I chose to move here, so I deal with the loneliness the best way that I can."

"I am sure you feel this way now. Please, do not isolate yourself from people. If you need help with anything, please call me. There is no shame in asking for help. The shame comes when it is offered and declined. You already have my home number. Give me your phone."

I give my phone to Rebecca, and she adds her cell number to the contacts. She then calls her cell to get my number.

"I'm serious, Mike. If you need help, please ask."

"I will ask for help, Rebecca. Thank you for taking the time to talk to me. I haven't had this since the shooting. It's sad how people that I have known my entire adult life act differently now that I have a disability. A few of my doctor friends visited me in rehab, and they were uncomfortable. I'll probably lose more friends now that I can no longer participate in some sports that we had in common. I am persona non grata to Lauren's friends now that we are no longer a couple."

"You'll find other things that you can do, and friends who will accept you for who you are, not how you look."

"Are you one of those people, Rebecca?"

"I'd like to be your friend, Mike if you will let me in."

"Well, since Billy is my new best buddy, I'll let you in, but I want to warn you. I will have bad days and act like an asshole. If you can get past this, I'd love to have you as my friend."

Rebecca laughs. "You haven't seen me before my first cup of coffee. It isn't pretty. I can guarantee you that we will be good friends."

"Can I ask you a question? How long have you been my neighbor?"

"Do you really want to know? My answer will probably upset you."

"Why would it upset me?"

"Because I've been your neighbor for almost a year."

"Really? Why is it that I've never noticed you before today?"

"Can I be honest with you?"

"Yes, please."

"You were not very sociable when you were with your girlfriend. I waved across the lawn a few times, but you kept on walking, so I never bothered again. I just figured you wanted to be left alone. Nothing wrong with that."

"Yes, there is a lot wrong with that, and I'm sorry. Being busy or tired is not an excuse for being rude. I guess there were cracks in my relationship a long time before she left me."

"As I've said before, extenuating circumstances, but that's all in the past now. Let me know if you need anything."

"I will. Thank you, Rebecca."

My conversation with Rebecca has me thinking that maybe I can get past this bump in the road. She doesn't see me as a broken man, and that goes a long way in soothing my fractured manhood.

oOo

A few hours later, I receive a call from Rebecca. "Hi, what are you doing?"

"Not much. I'm just watching a movie."

"What are you watching?"

"The Bridge on the River Kwai."

"Do you like war movies?"

"Yeah, I love them. I remember when I was a little boy, my Grandfather always watched the old John Wayne war movies. He had a big beer barrel next to his chair that was filled with peanuts. I'd sit on his lap and eat peanuts while we watched the movie."

"That sounds nice. Tell me something about yourself."

I laugh. "What do you want to know, and I get to ask you the same questions. Deal?"

"Okay, deal. First question. What were you like as a little boy?"

"Um, I guess I was outgoing. My dad and I used to go fishing almost every weekend in the summer. My mom made me study two days during the week. She always told me that she didn't want my brain to leak out of my ears and insisted that I study during the summer months. I guess I was a geek because I didn't argue with her. I played stickball and rode my bike with my friends. I did all of the usual kid stuff. What about you?"

"I grew up in Wilmington, Delaware, so we spent our summers at the beach. I was timid when I was a child. I remember my mother trying to get me to make friends, but it was always hard for me. Books were my friends, and I read everything I could get my hands on. I was painfully shy in high school, but everything changed for me when I met Ben. Okay, next question. Did you date a lot in high school and college?"

"That's an easy question. The answer is no. I was too involved in my studies because, by the time I was a junior in high school, I knew that I wanted to be a doctor. I was so focused on getting a scholarship, that I avoided everything else. My social life at the time sucked big time, but the end result was worth all of the hard work. What about you? When did you meet Ben?"

"I was a junior at the time, and I was on the committee to decorate the auditorium for the junior prom. I didn't have a date, and I didn't want to be involved, but one of my teachers needed some help, so I volunteered. A few of the other girls made rude comments behind my back. They wanted to know why I was helping to decorate when I didn't have a date. I heard them, and I tried not to cry in front of them."

"Ben was on the basketball team, and he saw what was happening. He walked up to me, put his arm around my shoulder, and kissed my cheek. The other girls stared at me like I had a third eye in the middle of my forehead. He whispered to me that he wanted to take me to the prom. That was the best day of my life. Next question. What would you do if you could be invisible for an entire day?"

"Oh, come on. That's not a question."

"Yes, it is, and I want you to answer me."

I think about the question for a few minutes before I answer her. "I would go to the Art Museum and get a really close up view of the artwork. You know, get on the other side of the velvet ropes, and thumb my nose at the security guard. Then, I'd go to the Eagles locker room. That would be awesome. What would you do?"

"I would go to the most expensive jewelry store in the city and stuff my invisible pockets full of bling. I guess that's stealing, but if I'm invisible, and they can't see me, then they can't prove that I took the jewelry. Then I would prank a lot of people in Rittenhouse Square."

"Are you a closet thief?" I ask her.

"Nah, I would return everything by the end of the day. It's the thrill of knowing I can get away with it that makes it exciting. Next question. What is the dumbest thing you've ever done?"

"When I was six years old, my friend dared me to shove a marble up my nose. I got it up there but couldn't blow it out. My mother freaked out and took me to the hospital. The doctor took one look at me and shook his head. He grabbed a small pair of forceps and dug the damn thing out of my nose. I still have it in a pill bottle. What was the dumbest thing you've ever done?"

"I cut my hair because I wanted to look like my mother. She had short hair. The only way to salvage my hair was to get a buzz cut. I cried so hard that I got sick. My mother was so mad at me when she saw how I chopped off my hair that she made me wear a hat until my hair grew back."

"That's too funny. How old were you?"

"I was four years old. My dad took a ton of pictures. I'll have to show you a few of them. Next question. If you could live anywhere in the world, where would it be?"

"That's an easy question. I'd live in Italy, preferably Tuscany. I love all things Italian. Where would you live?"

"I'd love to live in Scotland. All of the men in kilts...yummy! Okay, last question. Are you a brief or boxer kind of guy?"

"Midway black briefs. What about you?"

"I'm a Victoria Secret girl."

Will you show me someday? I think to myself. I fight the urge to ask her. As I am about to say something, I hear Billy yelling in the background.

"And that's your cue to end this fascinating conversation."

Rebecca laughs. "Yes, it is. It's way past their bedtime. I enjoyed our conversation."

"So did I. I'll talk to you tomorrow."

"Good night, Mike."

"Good night, Rebecca."
Chapter 4

Two weeks later

There is nothing I love more in the morning than to sit in one of the oversized Adirondack chairs on my porch and enjoy the sunrise. I am starting to navigate the kitchen without killing myself. Today, I managed to break a few eggs with one hand and made scrambled eggs, bacon, and toast for breakfast for myself and Billy, who has become my constant companion these past two weeks.

I am also proud that I did not burn down the kitchen. Having the cabinets lowered to accommodate me was a brilliant idea. After Billy goes home, I walk out to the porch and see Susan sitting on the step with her dog. Knowing what I do now softens my heart. She looks up when she hears the door open.

"Hi, Mike. Can I sit with you?"

"Sure. Come up here and sit next to me."

Susan runs up the steps, and her dog jumps on my lap.

"Who is this, cutie?"

"Her name is Anya. My mommy got her for me for Christmas. She likes you. Does your arm hurt today, Mike?"

"It hurts a lot, but it will get better. I have to be patient and give it time to heal."

"Can I touch your arm? Billy lets me touch his leg."

I tense immediately. I don't want Susan's hand on my arm, and then I hear her say, "I won't hurt your arm. I just want to make it better for you. Mommy always rubs my tummy when I feel sick, and it makes me feel better."

With great reservation, I unpin the sleeve of my shirt, but I keep on the protective sleeve. It's bad enough that Susan wants to touch my arm. I don't want her to see the red, ugly scars from the surgery. Tentatively, she places her little hand on my arm and runs it up, down, and over my arm. Her eyes are glued to my arm, and it takes all of my strength not to yank it away.

"I'm sorry you got hurt, Mike. Mommy told me a bad man hurt your arm. A bad man hurt Billy and my dad when he hit our car."

"Yes, he did Susan. A bad man did a bad thing, but I will be okay, and in a few months, I will have a new hand. It's called a prosthesis, and it will attach to the bottom part of my arm and become my new hand."

"And then you will be able to do things again, like me?"

"Yes, sweetheart, just like you."

"Are you sad, Mike?"

Am I sad? What I feel goes beyond sad. I have the weight of the world on my shoulders, and I have no idea what happens next in my life. Getting philosophical with a six-year-old is useless, so I just say, "Yes, I feel sad sometimes, but having you visit me makes me feel better." And Susan does make me feel better. She makes me focus on something else.

"I'm glad, Mike. I have to go now. Mommy is taking us to the zoo. Billy gets to ride in a special chair because of his leg."

"Have fun at the zoo," I yell as she runs across the lawn and into her house.

New arm. Just saying those words hurt like hell. I can still feel Susan's hand on my arm and reflexively rub my stump. It still hurts, but I have stopped taking the pain medication. The last thing I need is to become dependent on a narcotic to get through the day. I will have thousands of days in my future, and if I go through those days drugged out of my mind, I may as well kill myself now.

I have tried to remember the days following the shooting, but I remember nothing but the pain. Who took care of me in the emergency room? Who performed my surgery? I remember nurses going in and out of my room. Who are they? I have so many people to thank for saving my life, and so many people to hate for saving my life.

And then I think about my attempted suicide. It would have taken only a few minutes to bleed out. I know this is a fucked-up way of thinking, but this is how I felt and still feel. Joe busted my balls in rehab because I was not all touchy feely with my emotions. He wasn't happy that I ignored his help. I don't need anyone telling me that I fucked up, and honestly, I can't deal with the guilt.

I know pushing it to the back of my mind is the cowardly way of dealing with these emotions, but I can only focus on one thing at a time. What scares me is that these feelings are still too close to the surface. I'm not stupid enough to think that by ignoring the problem, it will magically disappear. No, that won't happen because I still want to die, and that scares me.

I vaguely remember what happened after I stabbed myself in the neck with the pen. I remember falling onto the cold floor. I remember the IV machine beeping when one of the lines was ripped out of my arm. I remember seeing feet and hearing loud voices as the world slowly faded from view. To say that I was pissed off when my attempt at killing myself failed would be an understatement. The first thing that I felt was the bandage around my neck.

Disappointment so strong brought me to my knees, followed by guilt. It's the guilt that keeps me from doing it again. It's the guilt of hearing my mother cry into the phone. The guilt that I feel is the only thing keeping me alive at the moment. What will happen to me when the guilt disappears?

I can't get past the fact that my days as a surgeon are over. I close my eyes and attempt to calm my racing heart. I've never experienced anxiety, and now, I feel it every goddamn day. Just one more thing to throw into the heaping pile of steaming shit that has become my fucked-up life. I must have fallen asleep because when I open my eyes, my father is sitting in the chair next to me.

"Hey," I say as I rub my eyes. "How long have you been sitting here?"

"Not long, maybe thirty minutes. How are you, Mike? You look exhausted."

"Not good Dad. I thought coming home would relax me, but it's only made my anxiety worse. I am up-all-night twisting and turning because my arm aches constantly. I've stopped the pain medication because all it does is cloud my thinking. I can't risk it, Dad. I can't risk tripping or falling because I'm loopy from the meds. I must have a clear head and steady footing. What if I lose my balance and fall? I can't risk injuring my good arm."

"You know your mother and I are happy to have you living with us until you have fully recovered. It's up to you, Mike. We love you, and only want what is best for you."

"I know Dad, and I love you for offering to help me. I feel like a pussy running home at the first sign of distress, but I can't stand living in my house without Lauren. She was slowly moving her stuff into the house, and I already had the ring. I don't want to sell it. I just have to find a way to live here without all of the baggage. Maybe I'll have someone repaint the walls and move the furniture. If it looks different, I may be able to live in it without the memories."

"I can take care of that for you. We'll go to Home Depot to get a paint fan, and you can pick out what you want, and I will hire someone to do the work. Your mother will go nuts redecorating the house. Lauren never made time for your mother, and she was hurt by the snub. Keep this between the two of us. She'd kick my ass if she knew I told you."

I rub my forehead and take a deep breath. "I think Lauren is seeing someone else."

"How can you be sure? Did she say anything to you?"

"No, not in so many words, but the last few months of our relationship had been tense. Lauren was up and out of the house before I was on the nights she slept over, and on the nights that she was at her apartment, she sometimes let my calls go to voicemail. We hadn't had sex for at least three months before I was shot, and something just felt...off. It's hard to explain, but it felt like she was distancing herself from me slowly. I'm pissed off that I didn't see it sooner."

"And what would you have done had you seen it earlier? Confront her?"

"Well, ...yeah. I would have confronted Lauren about it. Five years, Dad. I bought this house for her. I wanted to put a ring on her finger. If she was so unhappy, why didn't she say anything to me? Have I been so absorbed in my career that I missed the signs? Did losing my hand give her the fucking courage to leave me high and dry? I don't deserve to be treated this way."

"No, you don't, and maybe it's better if your relationship ended before you considered marriage and possibly children. It takes a weak person to cut and run when you needed her."

"I don't believe I will ever have a wife or children," I say with resignation. My dad turns in his chair to face me, and he is pissed off.

"Why would you say that, Mike? You are still a young man."

I scream at him. "Look at my fucking arm! What woman in her right mind would want a cripple for a husband? I repulse myself every time I look in the mirror. I can't imagine any woman would be attracted to me!"

For the first time in my father's life, he is at a loss for words. He gets up from his chair and walks back into the house, leaving me to stew in my ever-increasing anger and resentment. Five minutes later, he is once again, sitting next to me. He reaches out to hold my hand, and I let him. A gentle squeeze of support is what I need at the moment. I hate raising my voice in anger, but anger is all I've felt since I've lost my hand.

"What are you doing today? Do you need help with anything?" My dad asks me.

"Can you go to my therapist appointment for me?"

"No, but I can go with you. Have you driven your car since you've been home?"

"No, and I have to drive today. Carol wants to come with me to the food market. She calls this our first field trip. I would really like it if you would go with me. I'm afraid to drive, and I could use the support."

"Whatever you need Mike, and after we leave the market, I'll buy you lunch at the diner."

"I'll never turn down a free meal. Can you go to the kitchen and get the baskets for me?"

"Sure. Give me a minute."

oOo

As soon as I get into the car, I panic. I've practiced this in rehab, but I never left the parking lot. My hand trembles as I start the car, and I am too afraid to back out of the driveway. I sit for a minute or two and look at the spinner attached to the steering wheel. Just one more thing to remind me that I am defective. My dad touching my arm breaks me, and I rest my head on the steering wheel and cry. All I seem to do lately is cry like a fucking baby.

When I feel my dad's hand touch the nape of my neck, I turn my head to face him. The look on his face is a combination of concern, fear, and helplessness. He can't help me. No one but myself can help me. I know this, and yet, my fear is strangling me.

"Do you want me to drive?"

"No. I have to do this, Dad."

I take a deep breath, put the car in reverse and back out of the driveway. Remarkably, once I get moving, I relax somewhat. By the time we reach the hospital, I am drenched in sweat, and I have a fucking headache. I carry a pillbox with ibuprofen since I've stopped taking the meds, and when we get to the hospital, I stop at the first vending machine I see and buy a bottle of water.

The ibuprofen dulls the pain, and I can live with that. Carol is waiting for me with a smile on her face, and at this moment, I want to slap the fucking smile off her face. I am anything but happy, and she sees this in me.

"What has you so upset?" Carol asks me.

"I don't want to talk about it. Can we get this over with so I can go home?"

"Sure, Mike, and when you want to talk about it, I'll listen."

The drive to the market is quiet. Carol is in the front seat with me, and my dad is in the back seat. I look in the rearview mirror several times, and each time I look back, he is watching me. I feel like a bug under a microscope, and I don't like how anxious I feel at the moment. In fact, I am pissed off that I need someone to show me how to navigate a fucking grocery store.

Once we are in the market, my anxiety ramps up because I have difficulty steering the shopping cart. If I attempt to use my other arm, the pain intensifies. The sling feels like a noose around my neck. Carol sees me struggling and offers assistance.

"Don't try to push the cart. Walk in front of it and pull instead of pushing it. You will be able to maneuver the cart easier that way."

Several people stare at me as I maneuver the aisles. My stomach churns at the sympathetic looks I receive. I want to get out of here as quickly as possible, and after I've loaded my cart, we walk to the checkout line. It takes me twice as long to unload the shopping cart, and I hear several people behind me making comments. What the fuck do they expect me to do? I try to ignore the people standing behind me, but the whispers grow louder, as my anger intensifies.

The cashier further irritates me when she says, "This is a bag your own line, sir."

"What do you expect me to do with one hand? I can't bag my own groceries. Is there someone who can do this for me?"

"I am sorry, sir. This is a bag your own line. If you want someone to bag your groceries, you can remove your items and move to another line."

My anger is about to explode, and it takes every ounce of strength to keep it reined in. "Look, can't you find someone to bag for me? I don't have that many items."

"I am sorry, sir. This is a bag your own line."

That's when I hear it. Someone behind me screams, "Oh, for fuck's sake, bag his goddamn groceries!"

I am about to leave the store when Carol grabs my arm. Two things happen at once. My dad turns around to face everyone in the line, and says, "My son was caught up in a robbery. They shot his fucking hand from his body. Do not say one goddamn word about how long it will take for him to check out. If you don't like it, find another fucking line!"

I am mortified that my private business is being discussed in such a public place, and I am equally relieved when I see a manager approach us. She walks up to the cashier, and sternly says, "You will bag this gentleman's groceries, or you will no longer work for this store."

She looks at me with kind eyes. "I am very sorry, sir for the trouble this has caused you. Please accept my apologies on behalf of the store and its staff. Should you require assistance in the future, please come to the service desk upon entering the store, and I will personally assist you."

"Thank you," I say through gritted teeth. I will not be returning to this store...ever. Once my baskets are full, my dad pushes the cart out of the store, with myself and Carol following him. I am so incredibly angry and remain silent. Carol glances at me several times as we walk to my car. I need a few minutes alone and walk away from them.

Out of the corner of my eye, I see my dad start to follow me, and then I hear Carol say, "No, Ronald, give Mike a few minutes to calm down. I expected this might happen. Mike needs to learn how to cope with the stares and insensitive behavior of some people. This is a part of his therapy."

Well, isn't this just fucking great? Carol set me up to fail, and I walked into the trap. I am not a pussy. I am not a quitter. I didn't bust my ass in medical school to cower at the first sign of difficulty. She set me up, and she will not like my response. I walk back to my car and get in her face.

"Did you enjoy that, Carol? Do you have enough material to put in my fucking file? You knew this would happen, and you let me walk right into it. Does it give you satisfaction seeing my reaction? What's next on the agenda? If you think I will let you set me up again, you are sadly mistaken. Do that again, and you will no longer be my therapist. Am I clear, or do you want me to explain it to you again?"

"Crystal clear, Mike. I'll take a cab back to the hospital."

"You do that," I say as I get into the car. I can't even slam the goddamn door. My dad sits next to me as I drive home and remains silent. He knows me well enough to shut the fuck up until I've worked out the mad. When I park in the driveway and turn off the ignition, he finally speaks, and when he does, all I can do is laugh. My dad always knows what to say when I am pissed off.

"Well, that was a clusterfuck. Guess we won't be going back to that store anytime soon. Carol set you up, and that pisses me off. Welcome back, son."

"What do you mean by welcome back?"

"I saw the fire in your eyes today. That's what I want to see. Use that anger and be productive. You can't hide in the house for the rest of your life."

"I am not hiding in the house!" Yes, I am, but I will never admit that to my father.

"Okay, you're not hiding. What are you doing if you are not hiding?"

"I'm coping, and not doing a good job of it if today is any indication."

"Mike, you've been home for a little over a month. It is going to take longer than a few months to feel confident again. Take it one day at a time."

"Yeah. Someone else said that to me a few days ago."

"And who would that be?"

As I am about to answer, Rebecca bangs her hand on the trunk of my car, and when I look in the rearview mirror and see the smile on her face, the anger disappears quickly. She walks around to my side of the car and sticks her head in the window.

"You drove your car today! Where did you go?"

"We went to the grocery store with my therapist. It didn't go well."

"Open the trunk. I'll help you carry in the groceries." I do as she asks, and my father gives me the stink eye.

"Do you have a new friend, son?"

"Rebecca is my neighbor." I grin back at him and get out of the car. I introduce her to my father.

"Nice to meet you," my dad says with a smile on his face.

She doesn't ask what happened, and that surprises me. Rebecca and Susan help me unpack everything, and as hard as it is to accept their help, it is appreciated.

"Thanks, Rebecca. Today has been a shitty day, and you've made it so much better."

Susan looks up at me. "Mommy, Mike said a bad word. He needs a timeout."

I squat down and tickle her. "What I need is lunch. Do you, Mommy and Billy want to come with us and have lunch at the restaurant?"

Susan backs away from me and turns to Rebecca. The change in her behavior sets off alarms, and when I look up at Rebecca, she shakes her head no. It's at that moment that I resolve myself to help Susan overcome her fear, and in the process, maybe she can help me overcome my fear. I sit in the chair to be eye level with her.

"Hey now, why are you crying sweetheart?"

"I am afraid and don't want to go."

"What are you scared of? You know you can tell me. Do you want to whisper it to me?"

Susan nods her head yes, walks towards me, and whispers in my ear, "Billy got hurt in the car. I'm afraid to get in the car."

I look up at Rebecca and my dad. "Can you give us a few minutes alone? Susan and I need to chat for a few minutes."

Rebecca looks at me, and I wink at her, which goes a long way in relieving the tension in the room. My Dad seems totally confused. Once the kitchen is empty, I ask Susan to sit on my lap. My arm goes around her, and she rests her head on my shoulder. Something shifts within me. A sense of rightness seeps into me.

"I want to tell you what happened to me today. I had to drive my car for the first time, and I was terrified. I was so afraid that I cried. My dad was there with me, and that made me feel a little better. I went to the food market, and some people behind me said bad things about my arm. It made me sad, and a little scared. I understand what it feels like to be scared, sweetheart. I feel like everyone is looking at my arm, and I don't want people to treat me differently because I don't have a hand."

"When Billy got hurt, I got scared. I tried to talk to Daddy, but he wouldn't answer me. Billy was crying, and I hurt my head. I don't want to get in the car."

"I have an excellent idea. I'll ask my dad to drive mommy's car, and I will sit in the back seat with you. If you get scared, you can hold my hand. Can you do that for me, Susan? I know you are afraid of cars, but if you trust my dad and me, we can go to the restaurant and have lunch. I want you to come to the restaurant with me and hold my hand because I am afraid to have strangers see my arm. Do you think we can help each other to not be afraid?"

"You want me to help you to not be afraid? I'm only a kid. I'll try not to be afraid, Mike."

"If you ever feel scared, you can come to my house anytime. Okay, sweetheart? We're best buddies now, and friends help each other."

"Best buddies. I never had a best friend." Susan says as she climbs off my lap.

"Well, you have one now. Go upstairs and wash your face and hands."

"Okay, Mike," Susan chirps as she runs from the room. Once she leaves the kitchen, I sink back in my chair and move my now trembling hand over my face. Rebecca comes back into the kitchen, kneels in front of me, and hugs me. God, her soft body against mine, feels terrific. It's been several months since I've had close personal contact with a woman. Images of Lauren flood my mind, and I push them to the back of my mind. I need to focus on Rebecca.

"It's okay, Rebecca. We need to hold onto each other. Let me hold you, honey."

"Oh, Mike," Rebecca whispers as she kisses the nape of my neck. Is this really happening to me? I look up to see my Dad smiling as he stands in the doorway. A few minutes later, Susan runs back into the room. I am still holding Rebecca in my arms. I never want to forget this feeling.

"Why are you crying, Mommy? Did I do something wrong?"

"No, honey. These are happy tears. Mommy is happy."
Chapter 5

On the way to the restaurant, we stop by my parent's house to pick up my mother. Rebecca's SUV is big enough to accommodate everyone. Susan is in the back seat with me, Billy, and Rebecca, and she is quiet.

"Are you nervous honey?" I ask Susan

"Uh, huh. I don't want to go."

"I know sweetheart. I'm a little nervous too. It is not easy eating with one hand."

When I look over at Billy, I can see the fear on his face, though he tries to put on a brave front.

"I can't wait to eat. I'm starving. Mom, can I have ice cream after lunch?"

Rebecca laughs. "When do you ever not have ice cream after eating? If I let you, you'd eat it after breakfast."

"The nurse said ice cream is in one of the important food groups, so I thought I would eat as much as possible. Milk is good for the bones, Mom."

That statement has everyone in the car laughing, including Susan. She has relaxed a little once I reached out to hold her hand.

As soon as we enter the restaurant, several people turn in their seats and stare at me. I often eat at this restaurant, and the regular patrons know me well. I see the pity in their eyes, and I feel like running back to the car, but I can't do that. I have to face my new reality, as awful as it is at the current moment. The last thing I need is a pity party when all I want is a plate of fucking pancakes. I feel my mother place a supportive hand on my back, but her touch does nothing to stop the volcano from erupting in my stomach. I excuse myself and walk as fast as I can to the bathroom where I vomit what little food I've eaten for the day.

My hand shakes as I scoop water into my mouth. I splash water on my face and take a few deep breaths. How the fuck will I eat lunch? My stomach is on fire. After I am confident that I will not be sick again, I open the door only to find my father leaning against the doorframe.

"How do you feel?" he whispers to me.

"Fucking awful. Not sure if I can eat anything."

"What set you off?"

"As soon as we walked in the door, all eyes were on me, and I feel extremely uncomfortable. I don't want people staring at me, but how can I avoid the awkward stares? I have to live with this disability, and I am not doing an outstanding job of it."

"I won't lie and say that insensitivity doesn't exist in the real world because it does. Don't mistake kind sympathy for insensitivity, Mike. A lot of people here know us as a family. They know you, and while you may feel awkward by the attention, it is not meant to hurt you. If you live your life feeling sensitive about the slightest things, it will destroy you. That's why you reacted so negatively when Carol took you to the food market. You vented your anger towards her, and that wasn't nice, Mike. You need to apologize."

"I know Dad. I have a hair trigger, and I am not coping with any of this. All I see is my disability. All I see is that the life that I had is now gone, and I don't know if I will ever be the same man again."

"You won't be the same man, but you may be a better man."

"I don't think so, Dad, but thanks for trying to help me."

oOo

When we return to the table, all eyes are on me, and I feel the heat creep up my neck. Rebecca holds my hand under the table. My stomach calms just by having her hand in mine. We sit for a few minutes while I settle down, then I order pancakes. Susan moves closer to me.

"Did you get sick, Mike?"

"Yeah, I got a little sick."

"Is it because you are scared to be here?"

"Yes, but I feel better now. I need your help, Susan. I need you to help me cut my food. Can you do that for me? Can you give me a hand, sweetheart?"

Susan sits on my lap and rests her head on my shoulder. I whisper to her, "You are a brave little girl, and I am so proud of you."

She looks up at me with innocence in her eyes. "You are?"

"Yes, I am. It took courage to come in here, knowing that riding in the car scares you. You also give me the courage to face something that scares me. See, best buddies helping each other. Do you want to sit on my lap while we eat lunch?"

"Can I really?"

My parents talk to Rebecca and Billy as I continue to focus on Susan. When my lunch is plated, Susan is in awe of the number of pancakes on my plate. I have two orders of pancakes piled on top of each other. Two orders of six-inch round pancakes drenched in butter and maple syrup. I hand her a knife and fork and ask her to cut them for me, and together, we share my lunch. Billy sits next to me, and I soon realize that there is a hidden carnivore in his small body.

By the time we leave the restaurant, I feel relaxed and...happy? When did this happen? I was miserable a few hours ago, and as we drive back to my house, Susan falls asleep while she is still holding my hand. She trusts me enough to fall asleep with her little hand in mine, and that makes me happy. My dad carries her into Rebecca's house and lays her on the sofa. Billy is strung out on sugar and wants to play video games.

I walk my parents back to their car, and my Mom hugs me.

"Your father and I like Rebecca and her children very much, son. Bring them to dinner on Sunday. I'll cook something special."

"I like her Mom, and the kids are great. I feel good when I am with her." And I do feel good, but I am also worried. I don't want to rely on other people for my happiness because at any moment, that happiness could be taken away from me.

oOo

The dream is always the same. I just stepped into the café and feel a gun at the back of my neck. "Get on the floor and don't fucking move, or I'll shoot your head off." The woman next to me is crying. The other man is behind the counter, emptying the cash registers. I can't die like this, I think to myself.

The women next to me won't stop crying, the guy behind me reacts, and the gun went off. The pain in my forearm is excruciating, and when I look at my arm, blood seeps through my coat and onto the floor. Everything that happened after that is a blur. I remember feeling someone wrap something around my arm, and then I heard a lot of screaming. My vision blinked in and out several times; then the world went dark. The next thing I remember is waking from the surgery, and the first thing that I did was to look down and see padding and bandages and a stump.

I awake from my dream screaming, and several seconds later, the phone rings. It's Rebecca.

"What's wrong? I heard you screaming. Do you need me?"

My brain is still in the dream, and I don't answer her.

"Mike," she yells into the phone, "do you hear me? What's wrong?"

"Um, sorry. I had a nightmare."

"Do you want me to come over? I'll ask Mrs. Henderson to watch the kids until the morning."

"Yeah. I need you, Rebecca. Please, I need you."

Several minutes later, I hear Rebecca come into the house. I told her where I keep the spare key, and as I listen to her soft footsteps coming up the stairs, the amount of relief that I feel with her presence in the house is profound. Rebecca climbs into bed with me, and I curl myself around her soft, warm body.

I am still trembling from the dream, and soon realize that I'm also crying. Rebecca runs her fingers through my hair, and the sensation of her soft touch is calming me. I can feel my heartbeat slowing as I relax in her arms.

She whispers to me, "Do you want to tell me about the dream?"

"I relive the shooting in my dreams. When I woke up from the surgery, my memory was fuzzy, but it's all come back to me in recent weeks. I remember laying on the floor and looking at my arm. There was so much blood on the floor, and I couldn't believe that all of it was mine. Then I felt someone wrap something around my arm to stop the bleeding. I think I passed out a few times because of the pain. So much pain, Rebecca. Years of education washed down the drain with my blood. What do I do now?"

"Surgery is only one aspect of being a doctor. Your brain is still functioning, isn't it? Can't you diagnose and treat without performing surgery? I refuse to believe that your career is over. Think about it, Mike."

"Hold me tighter Rebecca, please. I can't stop shaking."

"Close your eyes. I've got you."

I rest my head against her breast, and the rhythmic beating of her heart soothes my anxiety. Her fingers continue to glide through my hair, and I feel gentle kisses on my forehead. I don't want to close my eyes, and as weariness overtakes me once again, I drift off into a peaceful sleep.

When I open my eyes, Rebecca is still in bed with me, and I am shocked to see that I have my stump wrapped around her waist. When did this happen? I tense, and my first thought is to pull away from her, but she stops me by placing her hand on my arm.

"Don't move, Mike. It feels good when you hold me this way."

It does feel good, and I move closer to her soft body. "Thank you for rescuing me last night. I must have been screaming really loud if you heard me at your house."

"You had your window open, and so did I, otherwise, I never would have heard you screaming. You scared me, Mike. How are you feeling now?"

"Roll over, and I'll tell you."

Rebecca rolls over to face me, and my first thought is that I am laying on my right arm. I cannot reach up and caress her face. My mood darkens quickly, and I turn away from her.

"What's wrong? Please talk to me. Don't push me away."

"I want to touch your face, but realized I was laying on my arm. Will it always be this way? Will I always hold back because of my arm? I want to hold you in my arms. Can I ask you a question?"

"You can ask me anything, and I will always be honest with you."

"What do you see in me? Why, Rebecca? Why me?"

"Why not you? You are a good man, who had a terrible thing happen to him. Your arm doesn't define who you are. I find you very attractive, or I wouldn't have spent the night in your bed. I like spending time with you. I like talking to you, and I love the way you treat my kids. That speaks to who you are."

"I'm lonely, Mike. I go to sleep every night with tears in my eyes. I look over at where Ben used to sleep, and I ache for the comfort of his body against mine. I hug his pillow, wishing I could still smell his cologne. I never knew I could feel so empty, so alone, and if it weren't for my children, I would stay in bed all day. I can't do that because they need to see me functioning, but it's so difficult most days. All of the little things get to me when I least expect it. Like the other day. I found one of Ben's ties in an old box of clothes, and I burst into tears."

Seeing Rebecca burst into tears now eats away at me. I pull her into my body and comfort her the best I can with one hand. Her arm wraps around my waist as her body shakes against mine.

I whisper to her, "It's okay honey. Let it out. I'm here for you. Lean on me, Rebecca."

I don't know how long we hold each other when Rebecca looks up at me and kisses me softly on the lips. Our eyes lock onto each other, and I feel a sense of peace that I've never felt before today.

"Sorry," she says as she wipes the tears from her beautiful face.

"You have nothing to be sorry about. You've probably held a lot in the past two years."

"Yes, I have. I've done a lot of crying in the shower. I don't want to cry in front of the kids."

Rebecca gets up and walks around to my side of the bed. "Move over," she said to me and climbs in next to me. "Lift your arm."

I raise my arm, and Rebecca curls her soft body against mine. Her arm goes around my waist, and she slides a leg between mine.

"This is much better. See, every problem can be resolved with a little patience."

"You will need a lot of patience if you insist on sleeping with me."

"Don't get any ideas. Do you want to do something this weekend? Go to a movie, and maybe out to dinner?"

"A movie sounds good, but I'm not sure about dinner. I would feel mortified having you cut my food for me. How about pizza? I can eat that with one hand. Oh, and before I forget to ask, my mom invited you and the kids to dinner on Sunday."

"Whatever makes you feel comfortable, Mike. I would love to have dinner with your family. It's not about where we go. It's about getting you out of the house. You do realize you've been hiding in the house."

"Yeah. My father told me the same thing. The episode at the food market upset me. I met with a psychologist when I was in the hospital. I think I need to make an appointment. I'm not coping with this, and hiding in the house is counter-productive. I want us to have a relationship, and I can't do that if I am afraid to leave the house."

"I want you to know that I will be proud to be seen out with you. I really like you, Mike, and I want to have a relationship with you. I want you to promise me that if you ever feel uncomfortable when we are out together, I want you to tell me. Don't hide your feelings from me, or you will see the pissed off version of Rebecca, and she ain't cute."

"She is beautiful."

"So are you, Mike. You have a beautiful face for a man. Ever consider modeling as a new career?"

For the first time since the shooting, I laugh, and it feels terrific. "Um, that would be no. Medicine is all I know. I have to find a way to get back some of what I have lost."

"That's what I want to hear. Have you ever considered private practice?"

"Private practice?"

"Yes, diagnose, and treat. Let someone else perform surgery. Once you have your prosthesis, you will be able to go back to work."

"I suppose I could do that. I will have to speak to the head of the department."

"So, do we have a date for a movie and pizza on Saturday?" Rebecca asks me.

"Sounds, fantastic."

"Close your eyes and get some rest."

"That's an excellent idea. I am a little tired."

Rebecca reaches over to turn off the light. The room is dark, and the only sound is her steady breathing against my chest. My mind feels at peace, and I close my eyes and drift into sleep. When I open my eyes again, the sun is peeking through the curtains. I look over at the clock. It's six in the morning. Rebecca is in the same position that she was when I fell asleep. I gently shake her awake.

"What do you want?" she asks sleepily.

"It's six in the morning. What time do you have to go home?"

"I should go back now, but I don't want to. I have a lovely pillow to curl up against."

"I wish you could stay," I whisper to her.

"I hate to leave you, but I have to get ready for work and feed the kids. How do you feel?"

"I feel depressed, but you got me through a rough patch last night."

"I'm glad that I was able to help you, Mike. I think if we lean on each other, life will get better for the two of us. It felt strange laying in bed with you last night. I've only slept with Ben, and now I feel guilty because I like sleeping with you. I miss the touch of a man more than I thought I would."

"I know how you feel sweetheart. When Lauren left me, I figured it was because of my hand. I believe she left me for another man, and that fact hurts more than I can say."

"She doesn't deserve a man like you. It's her loss, not yours."

"Really?"

"Yes. I see what Lauren failed to see."

"What do you see?" I whisper softly.

"I see a very sexy, intelligent man. I see someone that I want to be with. I just need a little time to get there. It feels strange having feelings for someone other than Ben. I'm sorry if talking about him makes you feel uncomfortable."

"Ben was your husband and the father of your children. He will always be in your life. It's okay to talk about someone you've loved who is no longer with you."

Rebecca sighs and moves her body closer to me.

"And this is just another reason why I like you so much. I really need to go home before my kids think I ran away from home."

"Give me a kiss before you go, honey. I need it."

When our lips meet, the world stops spinning, and I sink into the kiss. Something happened between us last night that changed the dynamics of our friendship, and I pray that it will never end.

oOo

A few hours later, I get out of bed, and the thought of going through the torture of taking a shower and shaving has my stomach rolling in anxiety. I hate that I need help. I hate that I need to depend on my father to wash my ass. It's degrading and embarrassing, but with the way I feel now, I may hang myself from the skylight, and honestly, it's all I've thought about lately. Not even my relationship with Rebecca can snap me out of my depression. The constant mood swings give me whiplash. One minute I'm happy, and the next, I'm miserable.

I am only forty years old, and the thought of living another forty years like this scares the shit out of me. How can I do it? How can I resume my life, and my career with one hand? What kind of life will I have even with the prosthesis? How long will it take for Rebecca to see that I am not a whole man and leave me? Is she looking at me through rose-colored glasses? Is she rebounding from the death of her husband with me? My mind can't go there because I am developing feelings for her.

My parents have taken it upon themselves to visit me every day, and on days like today, I am grateful to have their support. When I walk into the living room, my father looks up from his paper and frowns.

Yeah, I look like shit.

"Dad, I need your help taking a shower."

"Sure. Do you want something to eat first?"

"No, I just want to get this over with quickly," I say with anger in my voice.

My dad points to the couch. "Sit, now!"

I do as he asks, and my father sits next to me.

"Don't think for one minute that I don't know how you feel because I do. It's degrading having someone help you with basic hygiene, but I am not a stranger son. I am your father, and I don't want you to feel embarrassed, asking me for help. If the roles were reversed, you would help me, wouldn't you?"

"Yes, I would."

"I know life at the present moment is extremely stressful for you Mike, and if your mother and I can take some of the stress from your shoulders, I want you to accept our help, and let go of the embarrassment."

I focus my eyes on a piece of lint on my bathrobe to keep myself from crying, but when my father wraps his arm around my shoulder, the walls that I have erected crash and crumble around me. We sit like this for several minutes, not saying anything. My mother walks into the room, takes a look at us, and goes back to wherever she came from.

"Let's get you into the shower." My dad says with kindness as he squeezes my shoulder.

"Okay," I say with defeat in my voice. No use fighting it. I need my father's help.

Once we are in the bathroom, my father places the shower chair in the stall and turns on the water. I don't know why I feel embarrassed having my dad see me naked, but I do, and as soon as I sit in the chair, and the water hits my cock, I'm hard, and mortified at the same time. My father takes the washcloth off the rack, soaps it, and washes my back. The water continues to hit my cock, and I am about to explode. I'm fighting a release, and the urge to lower my hand and take care of it.

Dad sees me struggling and reaches up to adjust the spray so that it hits the wall. My cock is throbbing, and I am squirming in the chair. The slightest movement has my balls scraping against the wet shower chair. I don't want this to happen with my father in the room. I barely manage to say through gritted teeth, "Dad, please leave me alone. I don't want to do this with you in the room."

Dad hands me the washcloth and leaves the bathroom. I can't even jerk off the way I like with only one hand. I am so desperate to come that I wrap my hand around my cock and pull it violently. I am beyond desperate as I twist and pull at my cock, and when I look down, I don't see my other hand squeezing my balls. I am taking my anger out on my aching cock, but I need the release. I need it like I need my next breath. It takes all of my energy not to scream when I finally come. I am panting and crying at the same time. This is another part of my life that will be directly affected by my disability.

I don't know how long I sit in the shower, crying when my father walks into the room. He takes the washcloth from my lap, and fifteen minutes later, I am in a clean pair of pajamas. I can't look my father in the face, and I have never felt so embarrassed in my forty years on this earth. Dad sits on the bed next to me.

"Are you okay, son?"

"No, I am anything but okay. I'm embarrassed you had to see me that way."

"I am your father, and I never want you to feel embarrassed about something that you cannot control. I never thought to adjust the shower head. Did you...um...take care of it?"

"Yeah, and I don't want to talk about it."

"Just know that if that happens again, kick me out and take care of it. Do you want to try to take a shower by yourself next time?"

"I think that would be a good idea. I can't have you washing my ass for the rest of my life, and I certainly don't want you to see me with an erection. It's embarrassing, Dad."

"I know it is, but I'm not a stranger."

"I know, but that doesn't cancel out the creep factor. Some things should be private."

"If I told you that I've had a few sessions with the shower head over the years, would it make you feel less embarrassed?"

The image of my father doing what I just did makes me laugh. "Yeah, it does help. Thanks, Dad."

"Good. That's good. I see what you mean about the creep factor."

"Yeah, let's change the subject."

oOo

I love my parents but having them visiting me every day is getting old quickly.

"Your mother and I are worried about you, Mike. Do you remember when you were a little boy, and I gave you The Operation game for your birthday?"

"I do. I loved that game."

"And do you remember what I said when you told me you wanted to be a doctor?"

"Um...sorry, no. I don't remember."

"I told you that there is nothing you cannot achieve if you have the will and work hard to achieve your goals. You are in the fight of your life, son. It will take great determination and a hell of a lot of hard work to live with your disability. Hiding in the house does not change the fact that you have a disability, and the sooner you wrap this around your brain and figure out a way to live with your limitations, the happier you will be at the end of the day. Will your life be what it once was? No, it won't, but until you put one foot in front of the other one, you are stuck in neutral."

"That's exactly how I feel, stuck in neutral. I'm afraid to take the next step for fear of failing, or worse, public humiliation."

"If you think that way, Mike, you will never recover. Giving up is not an option for you. Don't hide your feelings from me, the way you have the past few months. I've never thought you were a quitter."

"I'm not a quitter. It's hard talking about what happened to me. It's not that I don't want to speak to you. I just can't get the words out. It's been four months since the shooting, and I feel worse now than when I was in rehab. All I've thought about for the past week is what I was doing this time last year. I feel like an old man waiting to die. Medicine is all I know Dad. I have to find a way to get back some of what I have lost."

"I know you'll figure it out. Just remember that your mother and I love you, and if we can do anything to ease your stress level, all you have to do is ask. I love you, Mike."

"Thanks, Dad. I love you too."
Chapter 6

My conversation this morning with Rebecca and my dad has given me the courage to face what I have been avoiding. After I eat lunch, I leave the house and see Billy is sitting on the porch with Susan. I walk over to say hello.

"Are you going somewhere, Mike?" Billy asks me.

"I'm going to the hospital to talk to my boss about my job."

"Are you scared, Mike?" Susan asks me.

"I'm a little nervous, but your mom convinced me that I can still help people with one hand. So, I am going to talk to my boss about going back to work."

"Mommy said you had a nightmare about when you got your arm hurt. I have bad dreams too. They scare me, and I cry a lot. Did you cry too?"

God, hearing Susan say this to me, breaks my heart. "Yeah, I did cry sweetheart. The dream was awful, but it's just a dream. Dreams can't hurt you, but they are scary."

"Mike, why do we have bad dreams?"

I sit down next to Susan and hold her hand. "Dreams are nothing more than memories. Sometimes, your brain plays tricks on you, and makes the dream scarier than it really is."

Billy moves closer to me. "Mom told us that what happened to me is bad, and if we have bad dreams, we need to talk about it."

"Sometimes it is hard to talk about them. Isn't that right, Susan?"

"Yeah. If I talk about my dream, it scarier. I don't want to talk about it."

I lean in close, kiss her temple, and whisper in her ear, "If you ever want to talk about them, talk to me. I will understand. Okay, sweetheart?"

"Yeah, okay, Mike. I really like you."

"Ah, honey, I really like you too." I look over at Billy. "And I like you too kiddo. Gotta go. Wish me good luck."

"Luck!" they both yell as I walk back to my car.

oOo

It takes me over ninety minutes to get to the hospital because I am driving like an old man. I avoid the highway and take the long route. It will take some time before I attempt to drive on the expressway with one hand, and the roundabout way is calming. The weather is beautiful, and with the windows rolled down, I don't feel claustrophobic in the car.

When I arrive at the hospital, I park in the garage, in my pre-assigned parking space, and a pang of apprehension hits me. Whatever happens today, I need to face this before my fear paralyzes me. Dad is correct when he says that my hand does not define who I am. I am a skilled diagnostician and surgeon, and I can still contribute to the health and welfare of my patients.

Once I get out of the car, I put the padded sling on my arm and grab my cane. My legs have regained their strength, and walking is easy for me now, however, if I move too quickly, my balance is still affected. The first person that I see upon entering the hospital is Glenn, the security guard. He smiles and reaches out to touch my arm.

"Doctor Jessup. How are you?"

"Getting better every day, Glenn. What can I say? It's going to take time, but I'm still alive, and that's what matters."

"That's a good attitude to have, Doctor. Everyone in the hospital prayed for you that day. I'm happy to see you again. Are you coming back to work soon?"

"That's why I'm here today. I want to talk to Matt about resuming my schedule."

"Well, good luck, and I hope to see you soon."

"Thanks, Glenn. I'll need all the luck I can get."

I see several people that I know as I walk through the hospital. All of them wish me well, and I appreciate their concern. It also occurs to me that no one is making an issue about my hand. Is it because they are all medical professionals? If so, I may have a smooth transition back to a regular schedule. The real question is how my patients will react?

The Cardiology Department is busy today, and when I look around the waiting room, I see several of my patients. What they do next brings me to tears. They all stand, clap their hands, and walk towards me. I receive careful hugs, pats on the back, and many kisses from all of them. I am deeply touched by their concern and cannot hide my emotions.

"Thank you so much for this warm welcome. I was a little apprehensive coming here today." Several of my patients ask me when I am coming back to work. "That's why I am here today. It's time to get my head back in the game."

I receive an equally warm welcome from the nursing staff, and as I walk to my office, I know that whatever happens today, I will be okay. For the first time since the shooting, I no longer fear for my career. Matt sees me as I walk into my office, and the smile on his face tells me I'll be working soon.

"Damn, Mike. It's so good to see you. Are you here today to tell me you want to come back to work?"

"I want to talk to you about that, Matt. Do you have a few minutes?"

"For you? I have an hour. Let's get some coffee."

I walk with Matt to the cafeteria, and my anxiety ramps up a bit. I can't carry the food tray, and Matt sees my apprehension.

"Whatever you need to navigate until you have your prosthesis, I'll get it for you. If you require a personal assistant to carry things for you, that can be arranged. I want you back Mike, and if I have to kiss your ass in front of everyone in the cafeteria, I'll do it. That's how desperate I am at the moment. What do you want to eat?"

"Just coffee and a bagel. Until I have my new hand, I need to keep the food simple."

"Okay, coffee, and a bagel it is. Go sit at our usual table, and I'll be there in a few minutes."

I walk over to our table, sit down, and look out the window at the people going about their day. I love people watching, and over the years, I found it to be very relaxing. Matt joins me a few minutes later, and then we get down to business.

"So, Mike, what do you have in mind?"

"If you can accept my limitations, I would like to come back to work August first. That gives me another month to recover. I am still a little wobbly because of the weight difference, and I will need a personal assistant full time until I have my new hand. I have an appointment in two weeks to be measured for my arm. The wound is healing nicely, and my pain level has dropped considerably. I'm not on meds for obvious reasons. I can still diagnose and treat, and to be honest, I need to get back to work before I lose my mind." I take a bite of my bagel and wait for his reply.

"Everything you've asked for is within reason. You are an excellent doctor, Mike, and it would be a shame to lose your talent. August first is too soon to return to work. I don't want you to overdo it for the first month, so when you do return, I am limiting you to eight-hour days. In the meantime, log on to the site, and review the case files for your existing patients. I want you up to speed on day one."

"Also, I will find someone in occupational therapy to be your personal assistant in the interim. I'm glad you came to see me, Mike. I thought about calling you several times, but I wasn't sure if you wanted to hear from anyone while you recovered. Have you spoken to Lauren since you came home?"

"She stopped by the house a few days after I came home from rehab to return a few things that I had bought for her. She was kind enough to move out of the house while I was still in rehab. I really don't want to have anything to do with her. Talk about getting kicked in the balls! I never expected that she would end our relationship. I have this huge fucking house and a thirty-year mortgage. Has she said anything to you?"

"No, not much. Lauren asked me the other day if I'd talked to you, which of course, I hadn't. I asked her why she doesn't call you, and she told me the two of you are no longer involved."

"I suspect that she is having an affair. Our relationship had been tense a few months before the shooting. She picked the most opportune time to leave me when I was unable to ask why. I confronted her, and she refused to answer my questions. That in itself is a red flag."

"I won't lie to you, Matt. My head is still fucked up. It takes a lot of effort to get through the day, and I still have issues that need to be worked out. Once I have my new hand, some of these problems will hopefully resolve themselves, but I still have nightmares and flashbacks about the shooting."

"This is why you need more time before returning to work. You still have twelve weeks of disability. I want you to use this time to work out your issues. Keep current on your case files and use this time to heal. There is no rush to come back, and I want you one hundred percent the next time I see you."

"That's what I'll do, Matt. I still have a few outpatient sessions with Carol, and I will have a period of adjustment once I get my hand."

"That's good. Get all of that resolved, and when you come back to work, you can focus on your patients, and not your hand. I am sorry about what has happened to you, Mike, and I am glad you came to see me today. I was a little worried that you would give up medicine."

"That's never going to happen. I've worked too fucking hard to get where I am today. I just need to figure out how to live and work with my disability."

"You're a smart man. Figure it out! I have to get back to work. Call me next week, and we'll go out for a few beers."

"That sounds good. I'll call you."

oOo

As I am on my way to the elevator, I see Lauren, and before I can turn around and go in another direction, she sees me. Shit! I don't want to talk to her.

"Mike! Wait! I want to talk to you."

When I turn around to face her, my anger boils to the surface. "What do you have to say to me, Lauren?" Shocked by my anger, she takes a few steps back to get away from me.

"I, um, I just wanted to ask you how you are feeling."

"Why do you care? You left me when I needed you, or did you forget that fact. Why, Lauren? Do I disgust you?"

"Um, no, that's not why I left, Mike."

"Then why did you leave me? I didn't ask for this, but I have to adjust and live with my disability. I have lost so much, Lauren. I never expected to lose you too."

"I've met someone else. I know that makes me sound awful, but the truth is that I was in the process of moving out when you were shot. What do you want me to say?"

"There is so much you can say, but I just have one question for you. Were you unfaithful to me while we were together?"

"I don't want to discuss this, Mike. It was good seeing you again, and I wish you well."

"Just tell me one thing, Lauren. How long?" Lauren hesitates to answer my question.

"A little over a year."

I drop my cane and grab Lauren's arm, and in doing so, I lose my balance and stumble into the wall. Thankfully, I did not hurt my arm. Lauren bends down to grab my cane, and I shout at her. "Leave the fucking cane on the floor! Are you happy to see me stumble? Is this what you want, Lauren? Do you want to embarrass me? It's bad enough that you left me, and now you tell me you've been seeing someone for a year."

"Relationships end. Let's go our separate ways without the anger."

"Are you seriously telling me to get over it? Five years, Lauren! How can you brush that under the carpet like it never happened? I bought a fucking house for you!"

"Speaking of the house, we have to decide what to do with it."

"What to do with it? It's my home, Lauren."

"No, it's our house. My name is also on the deed. I wanted to give you time to recover before I brought up the subject."

"What do you want, Lauren? Money? Is that what you want?"

"No. I don't want your money, and I don't want the house. I don't want anything from you, Mike. Have your uncle call me, and I'll sign whatever is necessary. I just want to move forward with my life."

"You mean to move forward with someone else. How sweet of you to be so accommodating."

At this point in the conversation, my anger explodes, and I say the one thing that I know will hurt her, but I can't stop the words from coming out of my mouth.

"I hope he is a good fuck, Lauren! Is that all you want? A good fuck? Is that why you were unfaithful? I'd like to know!"

Lauren turns and walks away from me, and as I leave the hospital, all I can think about is the many times I made love to her while she was fucking someone else. My stomach turns at the thought.
Chapter 7

I am too upset to drive and decide to take a walk around the neighborhood. My thoughts are troubled, and in my distraction, I end up at the café where my nightmare began. I break out in a cold sweat when I realize where I am. My feet feel frozen to the pavement, and I can't move. People are walking around me, and a few times, someone bumps into me. The last thing I need is to fall on the concrete pavement, and when I start walking back to the garage, I see Rebecca walking towards me with a few of her co-workers. She sees me, smiles, and waves at me, and when she sees the look on my face, her smile fades.

She turns to her friends, "I'll see you later. I want to take a walk with my friend Mike."

Once we are alone, we walk across the street and sit in the little garden next to the restaurant. Rebecca wraps her arm around my stump and gently massages the constant aching. How she knows my arm is bothering me is something that I will ask her later.

"What's wrong? Why are you here?"

I give her the abbreviated version of my day, and I swear, the look on her face makes me laugh.

"Why the hell are you laughing? This is awful!"

"You look like you could beat the shit out of someone. Is it awful? Yes. Do I feel betrayed? Yes. Am I angry? Yes. Is this the end of the world? No. It stings knowing Lauren cheated on me because I loved her, but I don't want someone like that in my life. Whatever she is looking for, she did not see it in me. Was it something that I did that caused this? Sure, I worked long hours, but Lauren is also a doctor, so it can't be that. Honestly, she never gave any indication that she was unhappy."

"It's her loss because you are one of the good guys, and lucky for me, she's out of your life."

"Is that so? Do I hear a hint of possessiveness?"

"Maybe. All I know is that fate brought us together. If it weren't for my precious little boy meeting, in his words, 'a super cool guy,' I wouldn't be sitting here with you now."

"Do you have any idea how much I need to hear that, especially today? You make me happy, Rebecca. With everything going on in my life, the one bright spot is you and the kids. Will life get easier for me, or will I always feel tortured by what has happened to me?"

"I don't pretend to know what's inside of you, Mike. Think of your journey like the stages of grief. Look inside yourself and figure out what stage of grief you currently feel. Are you in denial? Do you feel angry? Depressed? Are you asking a higher power to make the pain go away? You need to confront the stages of grief before you reach the acceptance."

"I can definitely say that I am in denial, and I am furious. I need someone to blame. The police haven't found the men who robbed the café. Apparently, the one that I identified has a long criminal history. I probably will not have my day in court, and that pisses me off. Someone needs to suffer the way I suffer now. I want that person to feel my pain. It's bone deep, Rebecca. My anger has seeped into the deepest part of my being, and it affects everything that I do or say. I am self-conscious about how other people see me."

"Some individuals in this world are cruel, and nothing that you do will change their warped way of thinking. If you let people like that control how you see yourself, you will never get your life back to where it was before the shooting. You can't worry about how other people see you. You can only focus on how you see yourself. Who do you see when you look in the mirror?"

"I see a weak man who is afraid to live his life. I see a man who hides from the world because he is no longer perfect. I see a man who has lost his ambition. I see...a broken man."

"You won't always feel this way. The journey to acceptance takes time, but you're definitely not a weak man."

"I wasn't before the shooting, and now, I really don't know what I am. I feel like I'm drifting away from everything that made me who I was as a person, as a man."

"You need to find other things that define who you are. Life is not over for you, Mike, but it will be different, and with time, you will find new ways to adapt to the world around you."

"I hope you're right because I can't live my life with this bone-deep turmoil churning inside of me. It's driving me crazy."

"One day at a time, Mike."

"I'll try honey. Thanks for talking me off the ledge."

Rebecca places the palm of her hand on my face and kisses me, and once again, the world stops spinning. I reach out to caress her face, and whisper to her, "You are so beautiful, Rebecca."

"So are you," she whispers back to me. "Come over for dinner tonight. I'll cook something special for us."

"Can I have ice cream after dinner?"

"Of course, you can have ice cream. It's one of the four major food groups."

"Then, I'll be there at five."

oOo

On the way home, I stop at my parent's house. I need to speak to my father about the house. My mother is in the yard planting flowers, and my dad is sitting on the porch. Their home has always been a safe haven for me. Because I am an only child, it still amazes me that I was not spoiled rotten as a kid. I had chores and an allowance, and if I acted up, The Hammer of Thor came down on me. My mother brushes the dirt off her hands and hugs me.

"This is a pleasant surprise. How does it feel driving again?"

"I'm still avoiding the highway, but it feels good getting out of the house."

"Do you want something to eat?"

"Do you have cake?"

"When do I not have cake? Do you want coffee?"

"Cake and coffee sound good."

"Okay, go up on the porch and sit with your dad. I'll bring it out to you, and then you can tell us why you look upset."

"Am I that obvious?"

"Yes, honey, you are," my mom says as she pats my face.

My dad is laughing when I sit down. "You can't hide anything from voodoo mom."

"I never could hide anything from either of you."

My dad continues looking at me. He's expecting me to spill my guts, but I only want to say this once, so I wait for my mom, and I need her cake to fortify me. Once mom brings out the coffee and cake, I tell them what happened today. My dad is angry.

"You're better off without her. How could Lauren do that to you?"

"I don't know, Dad. I keep thinking that somehow, it was my fault."

"I refuse to believe that," my mom says. "You were good to her. You bought that house for her, and this is how she thanks you? She cheats on you and leaves you when you are in the hospital."

"What are you going to do about the house?" my dad asks.

"I'm keeping the house. I suddenly have a vested interest in my adorable neighbor and her children. And, I've been invited to dinner tonight, and dinner and a movie on Saturday. I need to call Uncle Steve and have him prepare a new quit claim deed. I need her name off the deed as soon as possible. Lauren doesn't want anything from me, and I need the deed transferred before she changes her mind."

My dad reaches for his phone, calls his brother, and puts him on speaker. "Hey, I need a favor asap. Mike spoke to Lauren today, and she wants her name off the deed to the house. We have to move quickly before she changes her mind."

My uncle responds. "I will prepare the new deed today, hand deliver it to Lauren tomorrow at the hospital, and wait for her to sign it. I'll stop by Mike's house tomorrow night for his signature, then take it to the recorder of deeds office."

"Thanks, Uncle Steve."

"It's not a problem. How are you, Mikey?"

"I'm taking it one day at a time."

"If you need me, call me, okay?"

"Okay, thanks, Uncle Steve."

Dad ends the call and looks at me, "Well, that's one less thing you need to worry about."

"Yeah. I want the last remaining link to Lauren gone as soon as possible."

oOo

I arrive at Rebecca's home promptly at five, and I am greeted with a hug from Susan and a high-five from Billy. Rebecca is on the way home from work, and Clara Henderson is in the living room watching the news. She looks up when she sees me, and I sit next to her.

"Mike, dear, how are you, honey?"

"I am managing Clara. It's not easy, but I am taking it one day and one problem at a time. The good news is that I went to the hospital today, and I'll be returning to work soon."

Clara pats my knee. "That's fantastic news, Mike. I was so worried about you. It's good to see you up and about. How's the arm?"

"It's still sore, but not as much as when I was in rehab. The phantom pain and sensations are what I am having trouble with. Sometimes it feels like I still have my hand. Yesterday, I swore my hand was itching, and reflexively, I tried to scratch it."

"Billy says the same thing about his leg. He told me that when he is in bed, it feels like he still has his leg. Rebecca doesn't want him to sleep with the prosthesis. She wants his leg to have a few hours of freedom from the pressure. I worry about the kids, Mike. Susan cries a lot in her sleep. I think she dreams about the accident. I don't know how to help her."

"I also have nightmares about the shooting. I go over it in my mind asking myself why I picked that exact moment to get coffee. If I was a few minutes earlier, or later, could I have avoided the robbery?"

"Billy has asked Rebecca several times if his new friends will treat him differently now that he only has one leg. It's sad listening to him, and I hear the fear in his voice. He wants to be like his friends but knows he isn't. It's a lot of stress for a young child, but he handles it the best way that he can. I've only known Rebecca and the kids for a short time, but they have become vital to me. I feel like their Grandmother."

"You have a kind heart, Clara, and I know Rebecca appreciates all that you do for her and the kids."

"I am a lonely old lady. My kids don't visit much, and I rattle around in my empty house all day. Helping Rebecca with the kids gives me a reason to get up in the morning."

"Oh, come on, you're not old. Look at you! You're gorgeous!"

"I think you need glasses, dear, but thank you for the compliment."

As I am about to respond, the door opens, and the kids get extremely loud. Rebecca hugs them and bends down to kiss me. Clara grins at me and gets up to leave.

I follow Rebecca into the kitchen. "Do you need help with anything?" I ask her.

"Can you set the table? I made lasagna yesterday, and I asked Clara to heat it up for me. I just have to make the salad and warm up the bread. The dishes are in the cabinet over the sink. Silverware is in the top drawer next to the dishwasher."

As I go about slowly setting the table, Susan, and Billy pitch in, and in a few minutes, the table is set, drinks are on the table, and Rebecca is about to serve dinner. I don't know what I expected tonight, but what I feel is foreign to me. Lauren and I were rarely on the same schedule, so dinner for me was usually a solitary event. Susan sits on my left, and when Rebecca places my plate in front of me, she jumps up with her fork and knife to cut my food. My throat feels tight, and as the tears well in my eyes, I look over at Rebecca, and all thoughts of Lauren leave me.

"Is this okay, Mike? Did I cut it the right way for you?"

"You cut the lasagna perfect, sweetheart. Thank you for doing this for me."

"I can do other things too, Mike."

"I know you can, sweetheart."

I haven't felt this relaxed in a very long time. Dinner is animated, with Billy going on and on about the new game he wants for his birthday, and when can we have ice cream. Anya is bouncing up and down next to Susan, and as I take all of this in, I think to myself, I want this every day.

While I am waiting for Rebecca to put the kids to bed, I lay on the sofa and turn on the television. I must have fallen asleep because when I open my eyes, we are spooning on the couch. I no longer feel self-conscious when she touches my stump. Rebecca's soft, gentle caress takes away the pain, both physical and emotional. I whisper in her ear, "How long was I sleeping?"

"Not long, maybe thirty minutes."

"What are you doing tomorrow?" I ask her.

"Well, I have a date with a handsome doctor. Other than that, not much. What do you have in mind?"

"I want to do something with you and the kids, but I don't know Billy's limitations with his new leg. Do you have any suggestions?"

"Billy and Susan love the zoo, and we go there several times during the summer months. The last time we were there, Billy sat in a motorized chair. Will you be okay, walking? The ground is uneven."

"No, I don't think I can do that, not until I have my new arm. What about the aquarium? It's indoors and on even ground."

"No, that won't work for Billy. It's too crowded, and with the chair, he won't be able to see some of the fish."

"Would you mind if we turn our date night into a family night? We can take the kids to a movie, and then get pizza. I'd like to spend some time with them."

Rebecca rolls over to face me. Her beautiful face is inches from mine, and all I want to do is make love to her. My body reacts predictably, and she feels it. Heat creeps up my neck, and I lean back a little.

"Why did you do that?" she asks me.

"Do what?"

"Pull back from me. Are you nervous?"

"Nervous? No. I'm aroused and a little embarrassed."

"Why are you embarrassed?"

"Come on, Rebecca. You can't be that oblivious. I'm dying for you. Can't you see how much I want you?"

"I want you too, and I haven't felt this way since Ben died," she says as she nibbles on my neck, then makes her way up the side of my face to my lips. I know I've said this before, but every time Rebecca kisses me, the world stops spinning. She centers me in a way no one else ever has, including Lauren.

"Well," I whisper to her, "I want you, and you want me. What are we going to do about it?"

"You are going home, and I am going to bed. I haven't been with anyone since Ben died. In fact, you are the first man that I am interested in that way, and I feel a little awkward."

"Do I make you feel nervous?" I ask, suddenly worried myself.

"No, I'm not nervous. I just feel...I feel like I am unfaithful to Ben. I know I shouldn't feel that way, but I do. I'm sorry."

"Never be sorry for how you feel. The last thing that I want to do is make you feel uncomfortable. This relationship is new for both of us, and while I desperately want to make love to you, I will never force the situation. When you are ready, we'll take the next step. Until then, I get to hold you against my body. I get to kiss you and look into your beautiful blue eyes. I get to spend time with the kids."

"I thought a lot about how I would feel when I met another man during the many nights when sleep eluded me. Ben and I talked about this jokingly, and I never thought in a million years that I would be having this conversation. I never thought I would be thinking about making love to someone other than Ben. We were together since high school, and sometimes, I feel so lost without him."

"We always talked about growing old and moving to Florida where he could walk on the beach and enjoy his retirement. None of that will happen now, and it makes me sad. All I've been is sad for the past two years, and since I've met you, I wake up in the morning and don't feel the crushing pain of living another day without Ben."

"You have no idea how much Billy looked forward to your calls when he came home from rehab. It hasn't been easy for Billy since he lost his leg. Some of his friends don't understand that he has limitations, and they don't know how to act around him. I understand this because they are only young children, but it hurts Billy being treated differently. I don't want my son growing up thinking he is inferior. I want him to have the same opportunities as every other child."

"Susan still has nightmares about the accident. I worry about her because she won't talk about any of it. She bottles it up inside her little body, and it comes out at night in her dreams."

"You and the kids have been through so much the past two years. I admire your courage."

Rebecca burrows closer to me. "I put on a good show, but at night, I still cry myself to sleep. The loneliness gets to me sometimes. When the person you've shared your bed with for over fifteen years is no longer lying next to you, it's hard not being affected by the loneliness. I feel a little less lonely now that I have you in my life."

"And I feel the same way, Rebecca. I can't begin to tell you how good it feels to come over here and spend time with you. I wondered how any woman would be attracted to me the way I am now, and it goes a long way in soothing my fractured manhood knowing that you do not see me as a disabled person."

I close my eyes and hold back the tears that threaten to unman me. I have never cried so much in my life than I have the past few months. Once I've regained my composure, I open my eyes and ask her, "Where did you come from? I think deep down I have been waiting for you, and what happened with Lauren was meant to be. I believe she did me a huge favor."

"I know she did me a huge favor," Rebecca said with a sexy smirk on her beautiful face.

"Oh yeah? Is that a fact?"

"Yes, it is. I am thrilled Lauren dumped your cute ass because that sweet ass is now mine."

And to prove her point, she squeezes my ass. I think it's time for me to go home. As I am about to leave, we hear Susan screaming. Rebecca runs up the steps, and I follow at a slower pace.

"Mommy, Mommy, where are you?" I hear Susan cry out. God, the fear in her voice kills me.

"I'm here, baby. Mommy is here, sweetheart. Did you have another nightmare?"

"Yeah. The car flipped over, and Billy was screaming. I asked Daddy to help me, but he wouldn't answer me. Then I saw a lot of people trying to get us out of the car. Billy screamed because his leg got hurt, and Daddy was sleeping. I was scared, Mommy."

"It's okay baby. It was just a dream. Do you want a glass of water?"

Susan looks over to see me standing in the doorway. "Can Mike sit with me until I go to sleep? I'm not scared when Mike is here."

I walk over to her bed, sit down, and hold her hand. "Of course, I'll stay with you. Scoot over, and I'll sit with you."

Susan moves over to the edge of the bed, and I sit half on, and half off the bed. I position myself so that I can use my right arm to hold her. Rebecca returns with a glass of water and puts it on the night table. She walks over to the window seat and sits down.

"Do you want me to tell you a story?"

"Do you know a good story?"

"I do. When I was a little boy, and I had a scary dream, my mom read Pinocchio to me. Do you have that book?"

"No," I hear Rebecca say.

"Well, then. I think it's time I introduced you to Pinocchio." I take my phone out of my pocket, open the Amazon app, and purchase "The Adventures of Pinocchio." Ten minutes later, Susan is out like a light, and I'm halfway there myself. Just reading the words that I've heard hundreds of times in my youth has me tired. When we leave Susan's room, Rebecca hugs me.

"You are so good with her. It amazes me how quickly Susan has become attached to you."

"She is a sweet little girl, and her mommy is pretty awesome too."
Chapter 8

We decide to take the kids to see the latest animated movie. Let me tell you something. Sitting in a movie theater with dozens of screaming kids will give anyone a migraine. I have limited experience with this sort of thing, but Rebecca is a professional. Billy acts up almost immediately once we sit down. He wants popcorn; he wants gummy bears, he wants ice cream.

Rebecca puts the breaks on immediately and takes healthy snacks out of her big tote bag. The kid moans and complains, but once the movie starts, Billy grabs his snack bag and sits down. Susan was quiet in the car again and crawls onto my lap once the movie starts. She rests her head on my shoulder and watches the movie.

Rebecca is watching us with sadness in her eyes. This was intended to be a fun day for the kids, but Susan isn't happy, and I don't know how I can help her, other than to be a positive influence in her life. And if she sees that Billy is thriving, despite his prosthesis, then maybe Susan will once again be a happy little girl. I want that for her, and it surprises me how I have become so attached to her.

I wanted this with Lauren, and I thought she wanted it also. It hurts knowing she threw away five years of what I thought was a happy life. Apparently, I missed something significant. We talked about having children, and now that I think about it, Lauren always found a way around that conversation, especially this past year.

I look over at Billy, and he is having the time of his life. For such a small boy, there is a maturity in him beyond his eight years. Having lived through such a horrific event changes a person, but Billy just rolls with the punches. I wish it were that easy for me. I'm not dealing with any of this, but instead, avoiding it. Rebecca and the kids have been a pleasant surprise in the midst of my recovery, and I am so very grateful that Rebecca sees me as a man, and not a defect. My manhood can't take another rejection.

After the movie, we drive over to Nick's for pizza. The place is packed, and we wait several minutes for a table. Once one becomes available, we sit down and order our food. Susan is incredibly nervous. This place is loud and full of people. I lean in and ask her, "Do you want to take the pizza home? We don't have to eat it here if you are scared of the loud noises." I can already see that Billy doesn't want to go home, but I also know that he is worried about his sister.

"It's okay," Billy says. "We can go home and watch television and eat our pizza."

"Mike, are you nervous about being here?" Susan asks me.

Honestly, I am a little worried. This place is crowded, and if someone bumps into me, I may lose my balance. "Yeah, I am also kind of nervous. I don't want someone bumping into my arm."

"But do you want to stay and eat the pizza?" she asks me.

"Yes, I do, but only if you want to stay with me."

"Okay, Mike. Can I have pizza now?"

"Yes, you can. I'm proud of you, sweetheart."

No sooner had I said the words when the asshole sitting at the table next to me pushes out his chair, hits my arm, and starts yelling at the waitress. My first instinct is to scream, but I can't do that. Not in front of the kids. The guy is drunk, and I swear to myself when Susan looks up at him with fear in her eyes. I turn around in my chair to face him.

"Do you mind lowering your voice? You're scaring the kids."

"I don't give a fuck about your brat kids. I want another beer, and this bitch of a waitress refuses to serve me!"

When I stand to face him, he looks down at my arm.

"What are ya gonna do? Hit me with your good arm? Are you gonna have the little woman protect you from the big bad man?"

And then he shoves me, and before I know it, I hit the floor, and land on my stump. The pain that shoots up my arm is excruciating. Susan is crying, and Rebecca is screaming for help. I see Billy get out of his seat, and the asshole looks at his leg and sneers.

"What is this? The cripple brigades? I need to get the fuck out of here."

I am still on the floor, cradling my arm, which is now bleeding when I hear the ambulance. Isn't this just fucking great? I suddenly realize that I will never have an easy life, even with the prosthesis. How can I protect anyone, including myself? Someone will always view me as disabled, and something like this will happen again. I hand Rebecca the keys to my car as I am wheeled out to the ambulance.

I have a terrible case of déjà vu when I am once again wheeled into the emergency room, only this time, I am conscious. The pain in my arm feels worse than it did a few minutes ago, and I pray that I did not break a bone. The doctor on-call is a friend of mine, and when he sees me, he looks down at my arm and sees blood seeping through the compression sleeve.

"Mike, what the hell happened to your arm?"

"I was out for pizza with my girlfriend and her kids, when the drunk sitting at the table behind me shoved me, and I landed on my arm."

"Okay, let's get an x-ray, and I'll have a nurse clean and bandage the wound. What's the pain threshold?"

"I'd say seven. My entire arm is throbbing."

"When was your last tetanus shot?"

"I don't know, but I assume since I was shot, and laying on a dirty floor, I must have had one when I was admitted. Check my records."

Chad walks over to the computer and pulls up my file. I am correct in my assumption. A few minutes later, someone wheels me to x-ray and takes several pictures of my arm. The ten-minute wait feels like ten hours. So many thoughts are going through my mind. What if something is broken? What if I need another surgery? What if I lose more of my arm? What if Rebecca no longer wants to be with me? What if? What if? My mind is still going a hundred miles an hour when Chad walks into the room.

"Good news, my friend. No broken bones. You are fortunate this time. I don't have to tell you to be careful until you are fitted for the prosthesis. You must protect your arm, Mike. I know you've heard this before, but you can't risk it. Your stump is exposed, and that can lead to an injury."

"I know, Chad. I want so much to get my life back, but now I see that it's impossible. No matter what I do, or how I feel, I am disabled, and it's time, I accept that fact and adjust my life."

"I am sorry this happened to you, Mike. If I can do anything for you, please let me know. Sit tight for a few minutes while I have one of the nurses prepare your discharge papers."

While I am waiting, Rebecca and the kids come into the room, and she walks up to the gurney and hugs me. She is trembling against my body, and I feel like shit because I have already decided to end this relationship. I can't be what she needs, and I can't protect the kids. I wrap my arm around her one last time. God, this is killing me, but I have to end it now.

"Are you okay?" I hear her whisper to me.

"Yeah. Nothing's broken. I cut my arm on something when I fell."

"I was so frightened when I saw you hit the floor. I got here as soon as I could."

"I'm okay, Rebecca. I just want to go home."

The drive home is quiet. Rebecca is driving because I don't have the strength to focus. This entire situation only solidifies my resolve to end this relationship before the kids become too attached to me. Once Susan and Billy are in the house, Rebecca helps me into the house and up to my bedroom.

"Do you want me to stay with you?"

"No. I'm exhausted, and I just want to go to sleep."

"Do you need me to call your parents?"

"No," I say, rather loudly. "I'll be okay. Just leave me alone."

"Okay. I'll call you in the morning."

oOo

I want so much to scream to Rebecca, 'don't leave me alone,' but I know it would be unfair to her to dump my shit in her lap. My mind is fucked-up, and the last thing that she needs is another problem. That's what I have become. A problem for everyone to fix. Well, you can't re-attach a shattered arm, and you can't fix a tortured mind. Every time I try to lay down, pain shoots up my arm. I am restless, so I get up and pace the room. I feel like a caged animal, and I turn on the television.

Even that doesn't distract me. I don't know how long I sit on the edge of my bed, ruminating about the sorry state of my life. My life! What a joke! How is this living? I feel myself sinking into a deep depression, and all I want to do is close my eyes and make the pain go away. The emptiness that I feel in my soul eats away at me.

I look around at my bedroom, and my mind flashes back to the day I purchased this house. I was so happy at the prospect of Lauren living with me. Where did I go wrong? I had a good life, or I thought I did. I had a successful career, and I wanted to marry her and have children. Now I have nothing but an empty house and a broken body. Did I rush Lauren into a decision that she wasn't ready to make? Did I force the issue by asking her to live with me? I can't worry about any of that because it won't change the outcome. I need to get out of this house, and away from my life.

I walk into the bathroom and grab the bottle of Percocet and a glass of water. I could swallow the entire bottle and end it now. It would be so easy to fill my mouth with these pills and wash away everything. Just close my eyes and float into nothingness. I put the bottle between my knees and twist off the cap. At least Carol taught me how to open a fucking bottle of pills. Makes it so much easier killing myself. And then I think about my parents, and how my death will destroy their lives, and as I look down at what's left of my arm, I know that I will never be a whole man for as long as I live.

I pour the pills onto the mattress and stare down at them. I have eighteen tablets, which is more than enough to end my life. Time stands still as I sit on the edge of my bed, contemplating my death. My mind goes to a very dark place, where nothing hurts, where I don't feel defective. I pick up ten of the pills and hold them in my hand. This should be enough to overdose. Time goes into slow motion as I lift my hand, shove the pills into my mouth, and wash them down with a mouthful of water.

I've done it. Now I need to lay down and wait for the inevitable. It's a strange sensation when you know that within a few minutes, your life will end. I look at my arm and feel immense relief knowing that I will no longer have to deal with the stares and rude comments. I will no longer have to deal with life. I feel like I am floating through space. It's a very peaceful feeling. The room looks hazy. My eyes have trouble focusing. My heart rate is decreasing. My breathing is shallow. It's happening now, and I really don't care. I close my eyes to the world and drift away.

I hear my father yell out my name. Why is he yelling at me? I can't move. My body feels locked in place. I hear the door open and hit the wall. I feel someone shaking my body. My eyes won't open, and then I hear my father yelling at me again. He is hitting me. Why is he hitting me?

"How many did you take, Mike? Look at me...look at me. How many did you take?"

My eyes feel heavy.

"Don't do this to us, Mike. Open your eyes. Can you open your eyes for me? Hang on, son. The ambulance will be here in a few minutes. Stay with me, Mike. Do you hear me? Don't leave us."

I want to answer him, but I can't. I...am...dying.

oOo

My vision blinks in and out several times as I feel hands on me. Why are they touching me? I hear a lot of voices around me. Where am I? Am I dead yet? I feel something prick my arm, and my lungs fill with air. In a matter of seconds, I am completely aware of my surroundings, and in the most pain that I have ever felt in my life. My head feels like it's in a vice, and the nausea is up in my throat.

I realize that I am still in the ambulance, and as it sways with traffic, the pain in my stomach intensifies. I can't move because they have me strapped to the gurney. I manage to say, "going to be sick." The EMT quickly unstraps me, rolls me over, and I vomit what feels like hot coals as it burns my throat. As I am emptying my stomach, I see my father sitting next to the EMT. The look on his face makes me vomit more.

The ride to the hospital feels like it's taking forever, but I am quickly removed from the ambulance and wheeled into the emergency room. How many times do I have to take this trip? I'm not too gently placed on a gurney, and as doctors and nurses take my vitals, and hook me up to an IV, all I can think about is that I've botched another suicide. All I can think about is the look of disappointment on my father's face. Am I that inept that I can't manage to end my fucking miserable life?

When I finally open my eyes, the bright lights feel like needles jabbing into my brain, so I close them again and wish for all of this to go away. How many times do I have to attempt to kill myself before I succeed? I roll onto my side once again when the pain in my stomach takes my breath away. If this is my version of a living hell, then I want it to end now. I really wish I were dead, because this pain, this bone-deep pain is literally killing me.

I feel a soothing hand on my back and realize that my mother is standing next to the bed. Guilt and shame hit me quickly, followed by more vomiting. Whatever they gave me is getting rid of what is left in my stomach. I can't look at my mother, and when I turn my face away from her, I see my father standing in the doorway. The look on his face stabs me in the heart. I fall back onto the bed and shut my eyes. How will my parents ever forgive me for what I have done?

The next time I open my eyes, the room is empty, and I sigh in relief. My stomach is still on fire, and the pain that I feel throughout my body is indescribable. My chest muscles ache from the vomiting, and my body feels like worms are crawling under my skin. I suddenly realize that I am in a different room. As I scan the room, reality hits me when I see restraints attached to the bed.

I am in the psychiatric ward, which doesn't surprise me. I did try to commit suicide twice, so I guess this is where I need to be, not where I want to be. I hadn't planned on botching my death again. What happens now? When I close my eyes, I see my father's angry face staring at me. Ten minutes later, Joe Wilkinson walks into the room. He sits in the chair next to my bed and stares at me. Is he expecting me to have a fucking epiphany?

"How are you, Mike?"

"How do you think I am? I assume you spoke to my parents."

"Yes, I talked to them. Do you want to talk about it?"

"If I do, will you leave me the fuck alone?"

He writes something in my file. Probably anti-social mother fucker.

"I want to help you, but I can't do that if you hold in your feelings. Get angry. Scream. Throw something. Get it out of you, Mike, or you will never move forward."

"I don't want to move forward. I'm thrilled where I am now!" Of course, he knows I am full of shit, and lying through my teeth.

"Are you? You don't look happy to me. I am not here to argue with you, Mike. We talked about the stages of grief when you were in rehab. Have you forgotten?"

"I'd like to forget everything. I want it to all go away."

"How will that solve anything?"

"I won't have to look down at what is left of my arm. I'm half a man, Joe. Can't you see that? You have no idea how I feel, so shut the fuck up and leave me alone."

"I do know how you feel."

I watch as Joe rolls up his pant leg and then I see it. I see his prosthesis. I stare at it for several minutes.

"How did it happen?"

"Skiing accident. My wife wanted to ski in Colorado. She'd been busting my balls for two years about skiing in Aspen. The second day of our vacation, I wiped out on a massive slope. My body hit a tree and snapped my leg off my body. If I hadn't been laying in the snow, I would have bled to death. Everything after that is a blur. When I woke up, the bottom half of my leg was gone."

"I do know what you are going through. When I was finally able to travel home, I sunk into a deep depression. Narcotics and alcohol do not mix, and I became an angry, bitter man. I pushed my family away. I alienated everyone, even my kids. Eventually, my wife had me committed for treatment. It was a living hell, Mike. I won't go into details, but it took me two years to get my life back."

"How did you do it?"

"By admitting that, one, I had a problem. Two, I needed help, and three, I accepted the help that was offered. Your life drastically changed in the blink of an eye, and while I respect and admire your attempt to get on with your life, it's not that simple. Every aspect of your life changes once you lose a limb, and for the remainder of your life, you will have limitations and adjustments that need to be made."

"You jumped into this too quickly, Mike, and you were not prepared for the harsh realities of life. Some people are assholes, and you cannot control how people react or how they see you. What you can do is control your response, and popping a handful of pills is not the answer. You are fortunate your father found you when he did. I have to ask Mike, were you seriously considering suicide?"

I take a long time to answer his question, and when I do, the reality of my actions is quite upsetting. I reply, "yes."

"Then we have a lot of work to do. Get some rest, and I'll see you tomorrow. You are not leaving here until you have accepted and can cope with your disability. Do you understand me, Mike?"

"Yes, I get it."

"Your parents are waiting to see you."

"I don't want any visitors. Tell them to go home."

"Why don't you want to see your parents?"

"How can I look them in the eye after what I've done? I don't want to see them."

"You are making a bad decision, Mike."

"So what else is new? I made a bad decision yesterday and look at me now. I'm surprised you do not have me strapped to the bed."

Joe gives me a look of disdain as he leaves my room. He purposely leaves the door partially open, and I hear the conversation with my parents.

"What do you mean he doesn't want to see us?" I hear my mother cry out.

"I am sorry, Mrs. Jessup, but we must respect the wishes of the patient."

"How could Mike do this to us, Ron? I need to see my son."

The sound of my mother crying hits a nerve. I am a low life fucking bastard coward. I know what I've done hurts my parents, but I can't face them because I still want to die.
Chapter 9

Later in the day, my father visits me and gives the nurse a hard time when she tries to get him out of my room. He stands in the doorway with his arms folded over his chest, and he looks angry. I can't remember ever seeing my dad so mad at me.

"Where is Mom?" I ask.

"Your mother is too distraught to visit you. Do you have any idea how what you did last night affected us? Do you have any idea how it will devastate both of us if anything happened to you? How could you do this, Mike? All I've thought about today is what would have happened if I was thirty minutes late in getting to you. Rebecca called me to tell me what happened at Nicks, and how you wouldn't let her call me."

"Thank God she did not listen to you. She knew something was wrong when she left your house. Just thinking about you committing suicide again has me on the verge of a nervous breakdown! Do I have to watch you twenty-four seven?! Do I have to hire a nurse to babysit you?! Can I trust you not to do this again, Mike?"

I have noticed that my dad has not called me 'son' once. He only calls me by my given name when he is beyond angry, and I feel like shit warmed over because I am the reason for his anger. I reach for the phone on the table next to my bed and call my mother. She answers on the second ring.

"Hi, Mom."

"Oh, Mike. Why did you refuse to see us? Are you okay?"

"Yes, Mom, I am okay."

"Don't lie to me! You are not okay! Please help me to understand why you would do something so selfish. If I lost my only baby, it would kill me."

Hearing my mother so emotional breaks me. I sit on the edge of the bed and howl in pain. My father closes the door and sits next to me. He takes the phone out of my hand and talks to my mom.

"Get here as soon as you can, Helen. Mike needs us."

I do need them. I need an anchor to hold onto before I sink into an abyss that I will not be able to crawl out of. I don't know how long I sit on my bed, crying as my father holds me in his arms. Eventually, I have no more tears to shed, so I lay down on the bed and pray that this nightmare would end for me. All I want is to live as normal a life as possible.

I must have fallen asleep because the next thing I feel is my mother's fingers running through my hair and gentle kisses to my forehead. When I open my eyes, I reach for my mom. I don't care about the pain piercing my body. I don't care about anything other than feeling her arms wrap around me. I am a child again as she holds me and rocks me.

"Oh, my sweet baby. Everything will be okay. I know it. Just please, don't do this again. If you are that upset, call us Mike. Please call us. There is nothing that your father and I would not do for you. You are my life, and I don't know what I would do if I lost you."

"I'm sorry Mom. I don't know what else to say."

"Can you talk about it? What happened last night?"

"When that guy pushed me, and I fell onto the floor, I felt useless. I can't defend myself. Everything that I've tried to do for the past four months crashed down around me. I tried to get off the floor, but the pain in my arm prevented me from standing on my own goddamn feet! I felt emasculated, and it made me realize that I will never have a normal life. Everyone looks at me with pity in their eyes, and I can't take it anymore! How can Rebecca stand to be with me when I can't defend myself or her and the kids?"

"Then, do something about it!" I hear my father say. "You fought to get through medical school. You were determined to be a surgeon. This is no different. Your life is not over. It's just different now."

"It's easy for you to say do something about it, but you do not walk in my shoes. I have to watch my every step. Doing something as simple as taking a shower takes effort. I'm trying Dad, but it's not easy, and after what happened yesterday, I don't want to live with the pain."

"Then you are a fool," my mother says with anger in her voice. "You are a young man with your whole life in front of you. How could you do something so foolish, Mike? I never thought you were a coward. I'm so angry, and for the first time in my life, I'm ashamed to be your mother."

I have no time to respond because my mother walks out of the room, with my father following her. Is this tough love? I've never heard my mom be so blunt with me. I suddenly feel very sick and run to the bathroom. My face is deathly pale, and my eyes bloodshot. I don't recognize the person staring back at me in the mirror. I splash water on my face at the realization that I have tried to kill myself twice.

Bile rises in my throat, and I bend over the sink and become sick. How could I do it? And then I see Billy's face and his optimistic attitude. Billy won't let his leg get in the way of his goals in life. Do I have the courage to do the same thing? Am I that shallow of a human being that the loss of part of my arm signifies the end of life as I know it?

The clarity of the situation is not lost on me. Why couldn't I have realized this last night, and spared my parents hours of agony? I see the disappointment in their eyes. I understand my mother's fear and my father's anger. I understand their emotions because if either of them did what I did last night, I would feel the same way. I am sickened and disgusted with myself, and I have finally accepted that I can no longer run or hide from the world. I need help. This is where I belong. I pick up my phone and call Rebecca. I am about to say the three most important words that I've never spoken to a woman.

"I need you."

"Where are you?"

I tell her where I am.

"I'll be there within the hour. The kids are worried about you."

"I am sorry, Rebecca, for everything. I did a foolish thing last night, and I am very grateful that you called my parents."

"We'll talk when I get there. I have so much to say to you."

"And I will listen to you, Rebecca."

I walk over to the window, sit in the recliner, and stare down at the people in the street. Everyone is going about their lives as they always do. People are coming and going from the restaurant across the street from the hospital. I see a lot of people entering and leaving the parking garage like they do every day, and it all looks so routine. This is what I want. I want to wake up in the morning and go about my life. I want to go back to work. I want to feel like a man again. I need Rebecca and the kids in my life. I'm tired of fighting what has happened to me. I'm just tired. I walk over to the bed, lay down, and closed my eyes.

When I open my eyes, Rebecca is sitting in the chair next to my bed. I move to the edge of the bed, and Rebecca takes off her shoes and climbs in next to me. I see tears in her eyes, and once again, I feel like shit. I have hurt so many people with my carelessness, and I don't know how I will ever make it right. What Rebecca says next surprises me.

"I knew you were trying to push me away last night. I felt it, but I don't understand why you would do something so selfish, not only to your parents but to the children and me."

"I don't know how to explain how I felt last night. When that guy pushed me, and I fell onto the floor, it made me feel helpless and defenseless. If I can't defend myself, how can I protect you and the kids? You matter to me Rebecca, and the kids too. I felt like half a man, and it made me angry. I kept thinking that all I had to do was take a few pills, and the pain would stop. I wasn't thinking clearly. I see that now."

"How do I know you won't do that again? Billy and Susan know something is wrong when you weren't home this morning. Billy, especially because he is also upset by what that asshole said to him. Up until yesterday, Billy never saw himself as a cripple. Now he has that awful word in his head, and he has asked me several times to explain what it means."

"How do I do that, Mike? How do I tell my son that some people in this world will see him that way? It is the vilest of words, and I don't want my son, or you to feel inferior. Both of you have had a life-changing injury, and I don't want either of you to be defined by that injury. Please, Mike, promise me that you won't do this to your parents, or to the kids and me. We kinda like you, and want you around for a long time."

"I've already lost Ben, and now you do something incredibly stupid. Life is precious, Mike. It's not fair to my children for you to come into our lives only to leave us. How could you do this to me? I have feelings for you. I told you how Ben's death affected the kids and me, and yet, you pushed me away and swallowed a bottle of pills. I won't expose my children to all of this turmoil, Mike. I don't want you around my children while you are in this state of mind. It's not fair to any of us."

Rebecca's words touch me deeply, but it's not easy turning off the swirling thoughts that continue to plague me. The state of my mental health is fragile at the present moment, and I tell her what I told my parents.

"It's easy for everyone to say accept and move on with my life, but until you've walked in my shoes, it's not an easy task, Rebecca. I know you understand because of Billy, but he is a child, and I am a man. It's different when you lay on a dirty floor with someone standing over you, spewing hateful things, and you are unable to defend yourself. My first thought was to protect my arm when in my head, I wanted to smash my fist into his fucking face. It's an emasculating feeling being so defenseless, and I don't want anyone seeing me that way, especially you."

"Please give me another chance. I don't know what I would do if I couldn't see you and the kids. I need you more than you know. I'm sorry for what I've done. I know I need help, and I promise I will get it. Just please don't leave me. I couldn't take it if you turned your back on me."

I realize I am crying again. Will the tears ever fucking stop? She touches my face with her delicate fingers and wipes away the tears. Then, she bends her head down to my stump and kisses it. My heart beats so wildly in my chest; I feel like I am going to faint.

"For the record, I do not see you as anything other than a good man. My children consider you their friend, and your parents, well, they worship the ground you walk on. You should have heard your mother last night. It broke my heart calling her, but I was so worried about you. I knew that the only way you would push me away is if you were so troubled you could not talk to me. I'm so glad that they got to you in time. Please, Mike, let the people close to you help you."

"Will you help me?"

"Just say the word, and I'm here for you, but I want assurances that this will not happen again. I want assurances that you will get the help that you need to move forward with your life. We have a lot to talk about, but today is not the day."

"Don't give up on me, Rebecca. I realized today that I attempted to do a very foolish thing. It kills me knowing I hurt you and my parents. I don't want them or you to ever feel that kind of pain again, and if I have to stay here indefinitely, then that's what I will do. I don't want you looking at me with fear in your eyes. Please tell me that I did not lose your respect because if I did, it would devastate me. I can't do this without all of you."

"Of course you still have my respect. I am just disappointed that you felt you could not talk to me. I thought...I don't know what I thought."

"I want to hear what you have to say, Rebecca."

"I didn't want to do this today, but I thought we formed a close relationship, and the fact that you chose to do this rather than share your pain with me upsets me. My heart breaks when I think about being so close to you while you lay in your bed, waiting to die. The world is cruel, Mike and bad things happen to good people. You survived this time. What happens the next time somebody upsets you. Will you swallow another handful of pills? I don't want to be in a relationship where I have to worry about you hurting yourself. My children don't need to see you slowly destroy yourself, and if I have to move again, I will. Billy has been bugging me all day for an explanation. I will give him a watered-down version of what happened last night."

"That's good. I don't want Billy or Susan to know the truth. They are too young and won't understand. I heard what you said, Rebecca. I feel like I've sunk as low as I can possibly go, and it's not a pleasant feeling. The truth is...I don't want to die, but I also don't want to live with this pain. I have to find a way to get rid of the pain."

"The only way you can do that Mike is to accept what has happened to you. I think you've been running from it and avoiding your true feelings. Anyone in your situation has the right to be upset, to mourn for what could have been. I understand grief, but I do not understand self-destruction."

The fear of losing her is sobering. "I feel like a part of me has died, and I don't know how to be me again. I've lost...me. I know I need help, and I promise to get it. All I ask is that you support me while I figure out how to live again. Will you stay with me for a little while? I like feeling you so close to me."

Rebecca wraps her arm around me.

"Close your eyes and get some rest. I'll stay until you fall asleep."

That's the last thing that I remember.
Chapter 10

When I open my eyes this morning, the pain hits me like a fist to the gut. I look at the breakfast tray on the table, and the last thing I need in my stomach is food. A nurse walks into my room and takes my vitals. I've never understood until now how one look could make your balls shrivel up into walnuts. The look of disdain on the nurse's face has my blood boiling. Her cold attitude towards me is unprofessional, but I am too tired to argue with her. When I roll over, I see a note next to my pillow.

Mike,

I hope you slept well. Today is the first day of your new life. Embrace it with gratitude and humility. Remember, there are people in your life who love you. I'll bring the kids to visit after work today. I'll be thinking about you today.

Rebecca...xxoo

Her note puts a smile on my face and lightens my soul. Today is a new day, and I am alive, thanks to my father. How do you repay someone for saving your life? Joe walks into my hospital room at nine in the morning and sits in the chair next to my bed. He opens my folder and takes a pen out of his pocket.

"How are you today, Mike? Did you sleep well?"

"I'm okay, and I had a visitor last night who helped me get some sleep."

"That's good. I would like to ask you two questions, Mike, and I want an honest answer. Therapy will only work if you are honest with yourself. My first question is; How did you see yourself before the shooting. Who did you see when you looked in the mirror?"

I take a few minutes to think about this, and as I prepare my answer, it occurs to me that my perception of myself before the shooting is self-absorbed, but I must be honest, or this won't work.

"I saw myself as ambitious and a skilled surgeon. I am athletic, outgoing, and competitive. I like a lot of sports, and spending time with friends. I play basketball, tennis, and hockey. I worked hard and enjoyed my career."

"And how do you see yourself now?"

I don't have to think about this answer. "I see myself as weak, insecure, fearful, emasculated, resentful, and angry."

"What happened to all of the good qualities you saw in yourself before the shooting?"

"They disappeared with my hand. When I look in the mirror now, I no longer see me. I see someone who is flawed physically and emotionally."

"Don't you think that some of those redeeming qualities are still within you?"

"Honestly, I don't know! I have been so resentful and angry since I came home. The first week that I was home, I read through the material that Carol gave me and ordered a few things to help me in the kitchen. I was angry when they arrived. Suction cups on potholders, rubber pads on the countertops to keep the cups and bowls from sliding all over the place. And last but not least, a stove guard which is a block of wood with dowels. The pot handle fits between the dowels and the block of wood attaches to the counter, to hold the pot while you stir."

"I am looking at all of this stuff, and all I see is disabled. That word loops in my head so much that it paralyzes me. I also have a special cutting board with suction cups and stainless-steel nails that stick out of it to hold food while I cut it. I haven't used any of it because again, all I see are my limitations. It's just as bad getting dressed, but I refuse to change the way I dress or the type of shoes I wear."

"How do you feel when you are out in public?"

"I feel like everyone is staring at my arm and want to ask me what happened but are hesitant to approach me. This is what amazes me about Billy. He lost his leg below the knee, and he is a happy child. Billy doesn't let what happened to him define who he is. The first day that I met him in rehab, he showed me how he navigated the training room with his new leg, then we had ice cream."

"Why do you let your hand define who you are?"

"It's different for me. I am an adult and a doctor. My hands are my career. It's not the same."

"Could it possibly be that you have a pre-conceived perception of yourself as the perfect doctor, the perfect athlete, the perfect lover, and now that part of the package is missing, the perception is flawed. You now worry about how people will perceive you. Will they still think of you as a gifted doctor, the perfect friend, or the skilled lover? And now that you are no longer mister perfect, you see yourself as defective in some way?"

"I...um..." I have no answer for him.

"Made you think about it, didn't I?"

"Uh, yeah. I never thought of myself that way, but I can see what you mean. Wow, this is deep shit."

Joe laughs. "Yes, it is, and I had to reassess my entire life. I will tell you that it's not easy looking at yourself in the mirror and seeing the flaws. We like to think of ourselves as superhuman but in the real world; events happen in our lives that we cannot control. The trick is to catch yourself before you slide off a cliff. The trick is reaching out to those around you who will love and support you, no matter what you look like, or how shitty you act. Suicide is the action of a desperate person. The depths of mental depression know no limits, and it is effortless to slip into a dark place where nothing hurts."

Joe continues writing in my file, and several minutes later, he shares something of his life with me.

"My wife had a hard time making love to me. It had been over a year since I had lost my leg, and we slept on separate floors. I converted my office downstairs into a bedroom. We had a small bathroom with a shower installed, and that became my living area. She slept upstairs. I asked her repeatedly if she would just sleep with me. We didn't have to have sex. I just missed feeling her body against mine at night."

"The look in her eyes told me that she was repulsed by my missing leg. The fact that I had to beg my wife to sleep with me made me angry. That's when I really hit the bottle. I spent most of my day drunk, and I didn't give a shit about anything. The kids came and went, and they stopped coming into my room. I felt alone and isolated in my own goddamn house! The drinking got worse until one day, I mixed the pills with it and got really sick. I wound up in the hospital for two weeks, and then I was admitted for psychiatric treatment. I know what it feels like to be in that bed, Mike."

"I had to beg Amanda to participate in my couple's therapy. I knew she hated it, and she hated me for doing this to her. I didn't ask to crash into a goddamn tree! The drinking I took responsibility for, and the detox was awful. While I was in the hospital, I was fitted for my prosthesis, and the first time that I stood up and took a few steps was the best day of my miserable life. I worked hard, and a few weeks later, I was discharged. Amanda never picked me up from the hospital. I knew something was wrong when I got home. Amanda took the kids and left me a note. It said, 'I am sick of it all. I don't want to do this, and I can't live with you the way you are now.'"

"That was it. I was alone in the house. I missed my kids terribly, and Amanda kept them away from me. It would have been so easy to swallow a bottle of pills and wash it down with vodka, but I refused to do that. I worked very hard to get where I was at that point in my recovery, and I refused to let Amanda take that away from me. So, I learned how to do things for myself. It wasn't easy because I was still adjusting to the new leg, but I did it. My parents, brother, and sisters help me tremendously. I learned to live with my limitations, and I realized a valuable lesson. No one can help me but me. Amanda filed for divorce, and when my kids turned eighteen, they came back to me."

"That was eight years ago, and I still find it hard to accept that my wife, the person who made promises to me on our wedding day, left me because she could not deal with in sickness and in health. I've since remarried, and Jean is the most beautiful person that I have ever met. She doesn't see my disability. According to Jean, I am perfect, which, of course, is a load of bullshit, but that's not the point. The point is that my wife sees me as a whole man, and that's what you have to do, Mike. Once you have your prosthesis, you will feel differently than you do now. It's a big adjustment Mike some people will see what they want to see, and act how they want to act. It's a big adjustment living with the practical side of your life, and it is important to focus on your emotional well-being. How you see yourself is how other people will see you."

"One of the main issues for amputees in returning to healthy relationships is what they see in the mirror. Society teaches us at an early age to have thoughts and feelings about body image. Are my muscles large enough? Do I have a six-pack? Men especially worry about size and performance. It's also natural that as we age, our body image changes. As an amputee, this creates an immediate and significant change. Not only are you dealing with how your body feels with the prosthesis, but you also have to adjust to you how you look, and how you present yourself to the world. It's a lot of stress, Mike."

"It is important to remember that while the outside of your body no longer looks the same, what matters most is that you are still the same person you were before the amputation. You are a whole person who is now missing a part of his body. I want you to focus on new ways to do what you enjoy in life. I want you to concentrate on the future, and not on what you have lost. It will take time for you to feel comfortable with the way you see yourself, and that's alright. It takes time, Mike, and once you have your prosthesis, you won't want to take it off."

"I sleep with mine most of the time, but when Jean wants a little us time, she makes me take it off. She told me a long time ago that she wants to wrap her legs around me, and not a piece of plastic. The first time she said that to me, I cried like a baby because that's all I wanted from Amanda. The isolation that I felt being alone in my bedroom for months on end wore me down. Knowing she was so close to me, and yet she was a thousand miles away was difficult to live with. Once, my daughter Kristen crawled into bed with me, and Amanda freaked out. I never understood why she made my daughter feel like she did something wrong! She wanted to lay in bed and watch cartoons with her daddy. We did that many times before the accident. Kristen did not understand why she couldn't watch television with her dad. She was only twelve at the time."

"It broke my heart seeing her upset. Amanda took her insecurities and forced them on my children. My son Brandon never talked about the accident. He came and went and kept his feelings hidden from me. He told me a few years later that he pretended that it didn't happen. It upset him when Amanda left me, and he rebelled. I knew none of this until the kids came to visit me. He got bad grades and was almost expelled from middle school."

"When I married Jean, the kids by that time had just graduated high school, and they spent the summer with us. We talked and cried about everything. Kristen remembered that time, and she told me that when Amanda left with them, they were not allowed to ask about Daddy. She wanted a clean break, and while I understood her issues with me, she had no right to keep my kids from me. I was too worn out by the amputation to fight with her. Thankfully, Kristen and Brandon understood what was happening. They had to sneak behind their mother's back to talk to me. I lived for those times, and as I continued to recover, I focused on regaining my life. I went back to work, and then I met Jean."

"What I am trying to say Mike is that you can have anything you want in life. You only have to reach out and grab it. If you want a career, get moving and go back to work. If you want Rebecca and the kids in your life, show them that you value your life. Take nothing for granted, and don't put off to tomorrow what you want to do today. Live in the moment, and you won't regret it."

"That's what I want, Joe. Rebecca stayed with me last night until I fell asleep. She climbed into bed with me and held me in her arms. I asked her why me, and she answered, why not you? I don't know how I got so lucky finding her, and I am terrified that one day soon, I will screw up, and Rebecca will walk away."

"You know what you have to do, Mike. Fight for what you want. Fight to get your life back. Will it be the same life? Of course not, but it could be so much better if you will open yourself to the possibilities. I want to ask you one last question. Do you regret what happened Saturday night?"

"I regretted it as soon as I saw the look on my father's face. It was a cowardly thing to do, and I swear it won't happen again. I have too much to live for. Joe, I want to ask you a question, and I will understand if you decline to answer."

"You can ask me anything, Mike. I've never shared this part of my life with anyone but you."

"What was it like for you the first time you made love after your amputation?"

"That's a fair question. Jean and I had been together for maybe six months. We decided to go to Leesburg, Virginia. Her sister owns a small bed and breakfast, and I thought it would be fun to get away for a few days. I had a lot of expectations for the weekend because the weeks leading up to it were becoming more intimate. Anyway, it was after midnight when we checked in, so we got ready for bed. I felt like a teenage virgin. I was nervous and uncomfortable, and Jean picked up on it right away. What happened next had me in tears. I was sitting on the edge of the bed, and Jean knelt down in front of me and helped me take off my pants. Then, she told me to take off my leg. Once I did that, she kissed my leg."

"Rebecca, did that to my arm last night."

"I'm happy to hear that, Mike. It means she has feelings for you. In my mind, what Jean did that night goes beyond sex. By her kissing my leg, Jean accepted me for who I am. After that day, our relationship grew stronger. Don't let her get away from you. You will regret it for the remainder of your life."

"I see that now, and no, I'm not going to lose Rebecca. I am going to prove to her that I can be the man that she expects me to be."

"Don't do it for her. Be the person you expect you to be. If you try to live up to other people's expectations, you will fail miserably. What kind of person do you want to be? No filter, just spit it out."

"I want to be self-reliant. I don't want anyone taking care of me. I want to go back to work. I want to marry Rebecca someday and be a father to Susan and Billy. I want my patients to look at me with respect, and not pity. I don't want anyone looking pitifully at me because that just pisses me the fuck off and devalues who I am as a person."

"I think that's why I did what I did Saturday night. I am not a lesser person because I have one hand, but that's how I felt when I was on the floor, and that asshole was hovering over me. I felt defenseless and...frightened. I see now that I made a horrible mistake because suicide is not the answer. If I can't handle life now, how will it be for me ten years from now?"

"Are you saying what I want to hear to get out of the hospital? This is the second time you have tried to end your life. Tell me why I should believe anything you've just said to me."

My gut burns, but I tell him the truth. "Because I can't lose myself, Joe. I can't sink so low that I no longer know who I am. I took a long look at myself in the mirror yesterday, and I did not recognize the face staring back at me. I feel like I am clawing my way out of a deep hole, and I can't reach fresh air. I don't want to live this way, Joe. It's exhausting keeping up the façade that everything is okay when in my soul, I am screaming for help. I'm not very good at verbalizing my feelings. I know Rebecca is disappointed with me. She may not say it to my face, but I can see it in her eyes. I don't want her hating me. I don't want the kids to be afraid of me. Can you really help me?"

"I told you months ago that you needed to deal with these emotions and you brushed it off. Avoiding these feelings is no longer an option, Mike. As you can see, they fester inside of you until you explode and act irrationally. Those days are over, and if you are not one hundred percent committed, therapy will not work. Are you willing to give it one hundred percent of your time?"

"Yes, I am committed to therapy. I'm tired of running from my feelings. I'm tired of being tired. It's exhausting. I want my life back. I intend to get my life back."

"You don't belong here, Mike. I'm discharging you tomorrow, but I want to continue outpatient therapy. I think it is important that we expand this conversation. I also want you to attend a support group that I formed in the hospital. We meet every Thursday."

"I can go home?"

"Yes, under the condition that we meet daily for the next two months. Before you leave tomorrow, I want you to be fitted for your prosthesis. I took the liberty of asking Carol to come down here this afternoon to measure your arm and to show you several different options. I will tell you that the expense is not an option. In this case, you get what you pay for, and your insurance will most likely cover only a small portion of the expense. Do we have an agreement, Mike?"

"Yes, we do. Thank you for sharing your story with me. It did help me to realize that I need to take a different path in life."

"Yes, a different path and probably a much more rewarding one. Take it easy today, and get some rest."

Joe hands me several brochures. "While you're resting, pick out a new arm."

As I watch Joe walk out of my room, I look down at his gait, and it amazes me how steady he is on his feet. Yes, feet! Anyone looking at him would never in a million years know that he is wearing a prosthesis. I also realize that I was headed down the same road that destroyed Joe's marriage. I don't want that to happen with Rebecca. Sure, our relationship is new, but it doesn't mean that it isn't important to me. Add in the kids, and I realize I have a lot to fight for. I look down at the brochures in my lap. Time to get my life back.
Chapter 11

I have spent the last two hours looking at several models, and the cost is staggering. I only have one option, a robotic arm, and the one that I am looking at is forty thousand dollars. What I find amazing is that they can cover the robotics with a silicone glove to give the arm a lifelike appearance. They can custom color the silicone to match the patient's skin tone. I like this idea. While I am reading the brochure, my parents walk into my room. I am so happy to see them, and a smile spreads across my face. My mother walks over to my bed and sits next to me. She looks down at the brochures in my lap.

"What are you doing?"

"I'm picking out my new arm. Do you like this one?" I show her the brochure. My dad walks over and stands behind her.

"This is unbelievable! They can make the arm look real with a silicone cover! Does it really cost that much?" she asks me.

"Yeah, but this is the one that I want. I have someone meeting with me this afternoon to take the measurements."

"That's fantastic news, son."

I'm back to being called "son" again, and I like it. Time to address the elephant in the room.

"So, Joe told me that I could go home tomorrow. We had a very intense therapy session this morning, and I have come to see that I made a terrible mistake, one that I will never be able to take back. I am so incredibly sorry that I worried the two of you, and I swear I will never put you through that again. The condition for my release is that I meet with Joe every day for two months, and I also have to attend a support group."

Dad pats me on the back. "That's good, son. That's very good. Have you spoken to Rebecca? She was very upset the last time we talked to her."

"Yeah. She visited me last night, and we had a long talk. Rebecca stayed with me until I fell asleep."

"And?" my mom asks.

I smile at her. "And, I want her mom. I know I have a lot of work to do, and I need to fight for what I want in life. I want to go back to work. I want to have a meaningful relationship with Rebecca and the children. They matter a great deal to me, Mom. One of the things that Joe and I talked about today was how I saw myself before and after the shooting. The stark contrast in my perception of myself shocks me. I went from ambitious and self-assured to weak and insecure. I'm not an insecure person, and yet, I let the loss of my hand destroy me, literally. Joe asked me if I was serious about ending it all, and I said yes. I was serious, and for as much as I knew how what I was about to do would hurt the two of you, I didn't have the strength to fight it."

"I don't want to die, but the depth of the depression that I still feel has the potential to drag me under, and I need to fight to break free. I am by no means okay with any of this, and I know that I have a lot of work to do. Joe and I have a lot in common, but it's his story, and I can't share it with you. Just know that he has a prime spot in my head, and if anyone can help me get through this, he can. I just want to go home."

My dad walks over to the other side of the bed and sits down. "Whatever it takes for you to get well, I want you to promise your mother and me that you will take the help offered. No more running from what has happened to you, Mike. You've done enough of that, and now it's time to get to work. I've never thought of you as a weak person, but losing a part of your body would bring anyone to their knees. The trick is to get back up and put one foot in front of the other. Your mother and I love you. We always have, and nothing will ever change how much we love you."

I am humbled by my father's honesty, and it's time for me to be honest with them. "I thought I lost your respect when you visited me last night. The look on your face broke my heart. I saw the disappointment in your eyes, and I never want to see that look on your face again. I'm so sorry that I made such a foolish mistake. It was a mistake. I see that now, and I know that Joe can help me get my life back."

My mom pats my leg. "As parents, you want your child to grow and flourish in life, and when something happens that takes the joy out of your eyes, we worry. It upset me greatly that you suffered so much to even consider suicide. Please, honey, come to us if you feel like that again. Don't do something that cannot be undone. We love you so much, Mike."

My eyes burn, and my voice quivers as I hold back the tears. "I swear Mom; I will never do that again. All I've thought about is how that day could have ended. The depression hit me so hard; I couldn't focus my thoughts. All I saw was a way out, and that's the cowardly thing to do."

I still see the anger in my dad's eyes.

"Yes, you are a coward. Instead of fighting for your life, you were about to throw it away and break our hearts. Don't think for one minute that I'm not still furious with you because I am. However, you are my son, and I love you, unconditionally, but if you ever do this again, you may not be so lucky. Think about that the next time you feel like giving up. Think about how your mother and I will live the rest of our lives without you. I can't even imagine not seeing your face every day."

"When I found you unconscious in your bedroom, my heart broke into a million pieces. I was so afraid that you were going to die. I don't know how I would live out the remainder of my life without you in it. When you opened your eyes, you didn't know who I was, but I was so incredibly grateful to see your brown eyes. Please, Mike, don't do this to us again. We won't live through it."

My father stops talking and turns his face away from me. I feel like someone just stabbed me with a hot poker as I watch my dad cry. My mom walks over to his side of the bed and holds him to her breast. Her eyes find mine, and I see the pain that I've caused. It's a tangible 'thing' in the room, and further solidifies my resolve. It's time to step up to the plate and get on with my life.

oOo

A few hours after my parents go home, I meet with Carol, and she measures my arm, then I am fitted with a plaster mold. I know she wants to say something, so I get the conversation started.

"Just say it, Carol."

"I only want to know if you are okay. I am not your doctor and judging by the fact that you are in this ward, I know something significant happened."

"The past few days have been awful, Carol. I'd rather not discuss it with anyone but my therapist. Just know that I will be okay, eventually."

"That's good enough for me. If you need anything, please call me. I'd like to help if I can."

"What you can do is expedite the order of my new arm. I want it as soon as possible. So, how does this thing work?"

"This particular model is a carbon-fiber myoelectric hand which is also made of aluminum and alloy knuckles. It moves by responding to muscle twitches in the upper arm. The sensitivity is programmable, allowing the user to touch type on a computer keyboard, handle fragile objects like an egg, and even use a computer mouse."

"Some of the features include individual motors in each finger that allow you to move the hand and grip in a natural, coordinated way. The motors are positioned to optimize weight distribution, making the hand feel lighter and more comfortable. It has powerful microprocessors that continuously monitor the position of each finger, giving you precise, reliable control over hand movements. It also has fourteen selectable grip patterns, and hand positions enable you to perform a huge number of everyday activities with ease. You also have adjustable thumb positions and a built-in sensor to enable you to complete more tasks than ever before. The sensors are placed strategically throughout the inner arm and are controlled by the muscles in your arm. The functionality is programmed via Bluetooth. This is the Corvette of arms, and very expensive."

"I don't care how much it costs. I need the best arm available when I go back to work." Carol smiles at that statement. "How long will it take before I have a dry run?"

"I took the liberty of calling your insurance carrier earlier today and assumed that you would pick the most high-tech model available. Unfortunately, your insurance carrier has a cap on prosthetics, because they lump this in with other medical devices. So, you are capped at ten thousand dollars, and your portion of the co-pay is thirty-thousand dollars."

"Are you serious? Thirty-thousand dollars? How is this possible? No one signs up to lose a limb! Can I fight this?"

"You can take it to arbitration, but I've seen this problem with my other patients. Insurance carriers generally will not bend the rules. If they do, then they have to bend them for everyone. Sad to say, Pennsylvania does not have legislation that protects amputee rights."

I am furious. It's not about the money. I have the money. Then I think about Rebecca. Billy is still a child. How many limbs will he need to have replaced before he is an adult? The thought of her spending thousands of dollars sickens me.

"Order it, Carol. I'll pay the out of pocket expenses. How long will it take?"

"Well, after I send them the plaster mold, it takes about a week for them to mold the arm piece, and then they send it to me for a fitting and placement of the sensors to the muscles in your arm. The process usually takes about two months. This model has a removable, rotatable hand. You will have a period of adjustment. You will have some residual pain at first, but that will go away once your arm is accustomed to the tight fit of the prosthesis."

"That's good. Get it started today. I'm going home tomorrow, and I'll bring back the check."

"That would be a good idea. If you pay upfront, the claim process generally works faster."

"Still pisses me off."

"I know. It's a struggle for some people, and they are relegated to sub-par equipment."

"I still think I should fight it."

"Instead of fighting it, find a way to change the law. You're smart. Think of something."

"You give me too much credit for having a brain. If I used the brain that I do have, I wouldn't be here right now."

"Don't go down that road, Mike. We all make mistakes, and it is important to learn from our mistakes. No one's life is perfect, and you have worked too hard to take the coward's way out."

"You don't pull punches, do you?"

"No, I guess I don't. I have seen my fair share of patients who backslide into depression. Don't let that be you, Mike. You're too smart for that."

oOo

My conversation with Carol loops through my head. She is right about one thing. I am too smart to backslide, so I have to believe that I was out of my mind when I attempted to take my life not once, but twice. I need to focus my thoughts and not backslide because if it happens again, I will lose everything and everyone that I love most in this world, and I refuse to let that happen. I am about to walk to the dining area to eat dinner when I see Rebecca come into my room. Billy is behind her, but he remains standing by the door. He looks nervous. I don't want the kids to feel nervous around me. I plaster a smile on my face, regardless of how I feel inside.

"Hey, kiddo! Why are you standing by the door? Come in here and talk to me."

Billy walks hesitantly towards me, and I see him limping. Rebecca helps him up onto my bed so that he is facing me.

"How are you, Billy?"

"I'm okay, I guess. Are you sick?"

"I'm not sick, Billy. I was upset about what happened at the pizza place, and I needed a little help to figure out why I felt bad. Where's Susan?"

"She won't come to the hospital," Rebecca says. :She is afraid that after what happened on Saturday, you won't want to be her friend. I tried to tell her that's not true, but she won't believe me."

Billy moves closer to me. "Can I ask you a question, Mike?"

"Sure. What's your question?" I glance briefly at Rebecca, and she looks worried.

"Mike, what does cripple mean? That man called us cripple."

"Aw, kiddo. Cripple is an ugly word, and only ugly people say it. A good friend of mine recently told me that I cannot control how people see me. That man was drinking, and he said some ugly words to you and me. Cripple means an individual who is unable to walk or move properly because of an injury or disability. It's not a very kind word."

"Is that why you got upset and had to come to the hospital?"

"Yeah, it is. When that guy pushed me, and I fell on the floor, I felt horrible because he was able to make me feel different than everyone else. I don't want to feel different."

"I know, Mike. I feel different too. The other kids can run fast, play baseball, and climb trees. I can't do any of that, and they make me feel like I can't be their friend."

"Come up here and sit next to me."

After I have Billy positioned where I want him, I wrap my arm around his small body.

"When I got hurt, I thought my life would never be the same, and in many ways, it isn't the same. I learned something today that really helped me. My friend Joe told me that I can do anything I want to do in life if I want it bad enough. Billy, if you want to play baseball, I will help you. Climbing trees may be a problem, but we can find other things to do. Do you want to see a picture of my new arm?"

Billy nods his head, yes, and I see Rebecca walk over to the bed. I reach for the brochure on the table and show it to them. Billy's eyes bug out of his head.

"Wow! Your arm looks like something in a sci-fi movie!"

"Yeah, it is cool. And guess what? I can have a cover on it, so it looks like a real hand. Once I have my new arm, I can teach you how to play baseball."

"Really? You will teach me?"

Billy has tears in his eyes, and my heart melts. I pull him close to me as he cries on my shoulder. Rebecca runs her fingers through Billy's hair and bends down to kiss the top of his head. I whisper to him, "Why the tears kiddo?"

My eyes lock onto Rebecca as he answers my question. "I really like you, Mike."

"I really like you too, Billy. Are you hungry? I was on my way to eat dinner. Do you want to have dinner with me?"

"Can I get ice cream?"

"Of course, you can have ice cream. Rebecca, take Billy down the hall to the dining area. I want to call Susan. I'll be with you in a few minutes."

Once they leave the room, I call Susan. Mrs. Henderson answers the phone.

"Oh, Mike. Are you okay?"

"Yes, Mrs. Henderson. I'm okay. Could I speak to Susan?"

"Sure. Give me a minute to get her." A few seconds later, Susan is on the line.

"Hi, sweetheart, how are you?"

"Mike. Is that you?"

"Yes, it is. I miss seeing you, sweetheart."

"I miss you too, Mike. Are you coming home soon?"

"I'm coming home tomorrow."

"Can I come over to visit you and bring cookies?"

"You sure can. I love your cookies."

"Mike, are you still my friend?"

"I will always be your friend, sweetheart."

"Even after what happened with that bad man? Did he hurt you, Mike?"

"He hurt me a little bit, but I'm okay now."

"I'm glad you are better. Billy was sad because the man called him a bad name."

"Bad names won't hurt you unless you let them. Were you afraid to come to visit me in the hospital?"

"Yeah. I thought you were sick, and I was afraid. I had a dream that the bad man hurt you."

"He did hurt me, but I'm okay now."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, sweetheart, I am. Come over and visit me tomorrow. Your mom and Billy are here now visiting me. Be good for Mrs. Henderson."

"I will. Mike? I love you."

"I love you too, sweetheart. I'll see you tomorrow."

As I sit looking at the phone in my hand, I have a life-changing moment. I love Rebecca and the kids. Knowing this fact strengthens my resolve. I have so much to live for, and so much to look forward to. Now it's time to get what I want. I walk down to the dining area, and upon entering, I see Rebecca and Billy sitting at one of the tables, and Billy is laughing about something. Rebecca pinches him, and he laughs again. God, I really love them.

I walk over to Billy, bend down to kiss the top of his head, and say, "Love you, kiddo."

The expression on his face when he looks up at me is hilarious. His eyes bug out of his head, and then he smiles at me. Rebecca has a similar expression on her face. I walk over to her, bend down and whisper to her, "I love you too, honey."

The three of us eat dinner together, and it feels like I've done this my entire life, and while I feel calm at the moment, the swirling waves of emotions that I have inside of me change from minute to minute. I am walking a tightrope, and with one wrong step, I'll crash and burn. I won't let that happen, no matter how shitty I feel.

The next morning, I have one last visit from Joe before I go home.

"How are you today, Mike?"

"I'm exhausted, Joe. I feel like I have a killer hangover. My entire body aches, and I have a headache."

"You still have traces of Percocet in your system. The Narcan saved your life, but you still need at least a week to feel somewhat normal."

"I don't think I will ever feel normal. None of what has happened to me is normal. I feel like my life is spiraling out of control, and I can't stop it from happening."

"What I want you to do today is focus on the fact that you are still alive and breathing. You came too close to the edge Mike, and I don't want you thinking that this event is not a big deal, because it is. Another ten minutes and you wouldn't be sitting here talking to me. So, whenever you feel your life shifting under your feet, take a deep breath, and focus on the present. You can't change what happened Saturday night, but you can learn from it. I want to see you in my office tomorrow morning at eleven."

"I'm scared, Joe. I've never been this scared in my whole life."

"I've walked down the same road Mike, and with time and therapy, you will get through this difficult period in your life. I won't lie to you and say that it's easy because it's not. Let's take it one day at a time, and one session at a time."
Chapter 12

As soon as I get into my father's car, I close my eyes and let the rhythm of the car lull me into sleep. My dreams are more like nightmares these days, and my mind won't let me rest. It fills my sleep with images of blood and pain. I hover over my body and watch as the scene unfolds. Being shoved into the café, lying on the floor face down, feeling the pain as the bullet shatters my arm. I open my eyes and scream, then realize I'm still in the car. My dad pulls over onto the side of the road, and my mom climbs into the back seat with me. I curl up into a ball and rest my head in her lap. Soft, gentle hands caress me, and I sigh in relief.

"Did you have a nightmare, sweetheart?"

"Yeah," I manage to squeak out as I try to slow down my racing heart. "It's always the same dream."

"Close your eyes, honey. I've got you."

I close my eyes and take a few deep breaths. I feel safe in the comfort of my mother's arms, but I can't stay like this for the remainder of my life. My demons are real and ever-present in my life, and if I do not learn how to overcome this paralyzing fear, it will destroy me. This is a life-defining moment for me because I realize that my mother does have my back, and the sick feeling of guilt once again creeps up my neck. I've done something incredibly stupid, and I am profoundly grateful to have a second chance to live my life.

I am by no means cured of my demons, as evidenced by this most recent nightmare. Just because I've survived my suicide attempts does not mean my life will get more comfortable. If anything, it will get harder for me because I now know the depths to which I will sink to ease the pain, and that scares the shit out of me. I hear my mother's voice off in the distance speaking to me as I fall asleep once again. The next time I open my eyes, the car is parked in my driveway.

"Open your eyes sweetheart; we're home," I hear my mother whisper to me. I really don't want to move, and when I reluctantly sit up, a twinge of pain shoots up my arm. Reflexively, I rub the stump. I fucking hate calling what is left of my forearm stump. It's a repulsive word, and it's also my arm. I am so tired of fighting what I cannot change. It's exhausting keeping up the façade, when inside of me, every nerve in my body is in flight mode. When I get out of the car, Susan plows into me, and I fall back against the car.

"Easy honey. You don't want me to fall, do you?"

"I'm sorry, Mike. Can I hug you?"

I open the car door and sit on the edge of the seat to be eye level with Susan. She wraps her arms around me and holds on tight.

"I missed you so much, Mike. Mommy helped me make cookies for you last night. Can I come over now?"

"I missed you too, sweetheart. Ask Mrs. Henderson to bring you and Billy over in fifteen minutes. I need a few moments to get into the house. Do you want hot chocolate with your cookies?"

"Yeah. You make the best hot chocolate ever. I love you, Mike."

"I love you too, sweetheart. Go home now, and I'll see you in a few minutes."

"Okay. Bye Mike," Susan says as she runs across the lawn.

My parents are standing next to me, and when I look up at them, they are smiling at me. They follow me up the steps, and when I unlock the door and step inside, the amount of relief that I feel is palpable. I walk over to my recliner, sit down, and put my feet up. I close my eyes and say a prayer of thanks that I have a second chance at life because this day could have been so much worse for my parents. I understand and accept their anger because it is justified. My mom once again sits on the arm of the chair and runs her fingers through my hair. My dad stands in front of me, and when he looks down at me, I see the relief in his eyes.

"I know what you are going to say, Dad. It's different this time. I love Rebecca and the kids, and I told them that I loved them last night. I know I still have issues that I need to resolve, and I will never do anything to hurt them or the two of you. I want my life back, and I intend to get it back. It may be a different life, but it's my life, and I want to live it, with Rebecca and the kids."

My dad kneels in front of me and leans on my leg. "I don't want to leave this house today worrying about you making another painful decision. I want to leave here today knowing that you will fight for what you want, and by judging your interaction with Susan, I know you will eventually be okay. Focus on your therapy, and don't miss any of them. Whatever Joe said to you stuck with you."

"I feel hopeful about the future for the first time since this happened to me. The next few months will be difficult for me as my recovery continues, but the end result is so clear to me. One day soon, I will marry Rebecca and be a father to her children, and I can't do that until I've addressed what is troubling me."

"We love you, honey," my mom says as she kisses my cheek and gets up to leave. "Call me if you need anything."

"I will, Mom. Thanks."

I have no time to relax, because five minutes later, Susan and Billy are at the front door, and I have never been so happy to see anyone in my entire life. They follow me into the kitchen where I make hot chocolate and eat a ton of cookies. Later in the evening, I hear the key click in my front door, and I know it is Rebecca. When the door opens, my breath catches in my throat because she is wearing a soft peach silk robe.

"Honey, you look beautiful."

Rebecca twirls around a few times. "Do you like it? I bought it for you."

"I like it very much. Come over here. I need to kiss you."

Rebecca sits on my lap and runs her fingers through my hair. How can something so innocent be a massive turn on? I closed my eyes as my body reacts to her touch. I swear, I've never felt this way before, and when both arms instinctively reach out to touch her, reality rears its ugly head. I freeze for a second and pull back my arm. Rebecca wraps her hands around my biceps and draws me closer to her.

"Don't do that, Mike. I want you to touch me. I want to feel your arms around me."

"Sorry," I say to her. "I didn't mean to pull back from you."

"I know, and it will take some time for you to realize that I'm not going anywhere."

I reach out again, and this time, both arms wrapped around her soft, sexy body, and when her lips meet mine, I sink into the kiss. My arms tighten around her body, and I pull her closer to me.

"I have waited all day for this," she whispers to me.

"I've waited longer than that honey. God, your body feels so warm and soft next to mine. I love you, Rebecca. Say you love me too."

"I do love you, Mike, and my feelings excites me and scares me at the same time."

"Why are you scared?"

"I don't think the kids realize what is happening between us. We've kept our relationship simple up until now, and I worry about how they will feel having another man in my life."

"Do you want me to talk to them?"

"I want to focus on tonight. We can talk to them at a later time. I like how I feel when you hold me in your arms."

"I like it too, more than you know. I want to make love to you, honey, but I won't rush you. I understand your inner turmoil, and I will wait until you are ready to take the next step in our relationship. Just know that I love you, and I love the kids."

Rebecca lowers her head and rests it on my shoulder. "This is nice," she whispers to me. "Can I stay here forever. I miss being hugged."

"Yes. This is where I want you to be for the rest of my life. You take my breath away, honey. I've never felt this way before I met you."

"Not even with Lauren?'

"No, and it's hard to admit that I spent five years with her, and I've never felt this way. I love you, Rebecca, and I love Susan and Billy. Everything has changed for me in the past few days. You have changed me. You have made me see that anything is possible. I was so worried that the loss of my hand would affect this part of my life, and I am so relieved to know that everything is in working order."

"I love you too, Mike. How do you feel?"

"Honestly, I feel awful. I know I have rough days ahead of me, but as long as I can come home to you and the kids, I know I'll get through this."

"You have us now, and I want you to remember that when you have a bad day. It's inevitable, but you are no longer alone in this fight. Billy and Susan keep talking about how you said you love them. Billy is excited to do things with you. He won't say it, but I know Billy misses his father. I should go home. Mrs. Henderson is with the kids, and it's getting late."

"I'll be over to see the kids tomorrow after my therapy appointment at eleven. I have to ask you a question because it may come up later. If Joe wants you to join me in therapy, would you be willing to go with me?"

Rebecca hugs me closer to her, and I have my answer.

"We are a team now, so yes, I'll go with you."

I kiss her gently. "Have I told you lately that you moving next door to me is the best thing that ever happened to me?"

"It took you long enough to notice me."

"I'm sorry about that. I guess I was a little self-absorbed, but I'm not like that anymore. Joe asked me a question about how I saw myself, and my answer was eye-opening. I feel myself changing Rebecca, and I am a little nervous."

"Why are you nervous?"

"Because I don't want to lose who I was before this happened to me. I don't want to be a weak person because that's not who I am."

Rebecca kisses me, and I go a little stupid. "Then why don't you show me who you really are? Show me the real Mike Jessup, because I already have a pretty good idea of who he is."

"You have so much faith in me, Rebecca, and it would kill me if I ever did anything to disappoint you."

"The only way you would ever disappoint me would be if you stopped loving the kids and me. Everything else is a part of life, and I can live and adapt to anything as long as you love me."

"Then I never have to worry about disappointing you."

"Then it's settled. Let's take it one day at a time, Mike. Don't put too much stress on yourself. It's not healthy for you."

"I couldn't agree more, and I think that was one of the reasons why I did what I did on Saturday. The whole incident at the pizza place shook me up and made me realize just how weak I really am at the moment. I feel off-balance with only one hand, and I feel vulnerable."

"This is a temporary situation, and once you have your prosthesis, things will get easier for you. As long as we have each other, there is nothing that you can't do."

"You are an amazing woman, and I am so lucky to have you in my life."

"And you are an amazing man, and I am lucky to have you too."

oOo

After my appointment with Joe, I take a long walk and for the first time in what feels like forever, I feel at peace with my circumstances. He has the unique ability to cut through my bullshit and drill down to what is really bothering me. It's strange because now that I have told Rebecca that I love her, some of the tension has left me. I know I keep saying this, but she doesn't see me as a broken man.

After I leave the hospital, I stop at the barber shop to get a haircut. The barber shop is crowded today, so I take a seat and wait for my turn. Sitting next to me is a man around my age with a small child, maybe four years old. I can't help but notice that the boy is staring at my arm, and then he starts to cry.

His father lifts him up onto his lap and tries to soothe the child. He keeps looking at me and then he points to my arm. "Boo Boo," he says to me. It's then that his father notices my arm.

"Yes, boo boo," I say to the little boy. "What is your name?"

"His name is Bryan," his father tells me.

"Well, hello, Bryan. Are you here today for a haircut?"

He nods his head yes and points to my arm again. "Boo Boo."

All eyes are on me, and now is the time to put some of my therapy to work. I can't avoid situations like this for the rest of my life. "Yes, I have a boo-boo, but it's okay, Bryan. I got hurt, but now, I am fine."

I have my arm resting on the arm of the chair, and he reaches out with his little hand and pats my arm. Surprisingly, I don't flinch. His eyes fill with tears again.

"Don't cry, little man. I'm okay."

"Does it hurt?" he asks me.

"No, it doesn't hurt, and pretty soon, I will have a new hand."

"New hand?"

"Yes, do you want to see it?"

Bryan nods his head, yes. I pull up a demonstration video that I found online. This video is so cool because the guy rotates his hand. I turn my phone so that he can see it. Bryan stares fascinated as he watches the video. So do his father and a few of the other guys sitting near him. Then, the hand rotates and Bryan giggles as he points to my phone. His father is very impressed with the technology.

"That is so cool." He extends his hand, and I shake it. "I'm Carl."

"Nice to meet you, Carl. My name is Mike. Is Bryan okay now?"

"Yes. He will probably forget everything within the hour. He has a short attention span."

"Good to know. I don't want to traumatize him."

Bryan jumps off his father's lap and runs around the shop. Carl asks me, "How did it happen?"

"I walked into a robbery, and a bullet shattered my forearm. Not much the doctors could do but amputate."

"Wow, that really sucks. Did the cops catch the guy that shot you?"

"No. The two of them are still out there hurting other people. All I can do is get on with my life."

"That arm must cost a fortune."

"Yeah. It costs forty-thousand dollars, and my insurance company caps me out at ten thousand because they consider prosthetics as a medical device. I had to pay the balance out of pocket."

Carl shakes his head. "My father is going through the same thing now. He's a diabetic and just lost his right leg. My mother is sick with worry because of the expense. The family is working on a fundraiser for his medical costs. No one should have to worry about the cost of a life-saving device that he obviously needs. It's not fair to my father or any other person living with a disability."

"My girlfriend is going through that now with her son Billy. He lost the lower part of his leg in a car accident, and he is only eight years old. Do you have a GoFundMe page?"

"Yes. My sister set it up last week."

Carl pulls up the Facebook page, and I get the information from him. "I would like to pay it forward and help your father."

"That's kind of you to help a stranger."

Something shifts within me. "We're not strangers, but sadly, members of a select group of people."

After my haircut, Bryan runs over to me as I walk out the door. He wraps his arms around my leg and says, "Bye."

With a smile on my face, I say, "Bye, little man." I nod at Carl and walk out the door.
Chapter 13

I've done nothing but think about little Bryan as I drive home. When I park the car, I look over at Rebecca's house and see her car in the driveway. No time like the present to talk to the kids. My heart is beating so fast I can hear it thumping in my ears. As I approach the house, the door opens, and the smile that spreads across Rebecca's beautiful face goes a long way in calming my nerves.

When I reach the door, she whispers in my ear, "Are you ready to speak to the kids?"

"As ready as I'll ever be. How do you think they will react?"

"I'm not sure, but they need to know about us."

When I walk into the house, both kids are sitting on the sofa watching cartoons. I sit between them, and Rebecca sits on the table, facing me. She turns off the television, which elicits groans from both kids.

"Shush the two of you. Mike wants to talk to you."

"About what?" Billy asks her.

I'm squirming in my seat, and Billy sees that I am nervous. Time to jump into the deep end of the pool. "Well, do you remember when I told all of you that I love you?"

"Yeah, I remember," Billy says. "Are you taking it back?"

"Oh, no, I'm not taking it back, but I want to explain what I meant when I say that I love you." How do I explain this to small children? I decide to take a simple approach. "I...um...I want to be your mom's boyfriend. Do you know what that means?"

"Is it like you want to date my mom and kiss her?" Billy asks me.

"Yes, that's a part of being her boyfriend."

Susan gets up and screams at the top of her lungs. "You can't kiss Mommy. Only Daddy can kiss Mommy."

She runs from the room with Rebecca following her. This is not how I want the day to end. Billy is looking at me with a shocked expression on his face.

"Wow, Mike. Do you really love my mom?"

I tell him the truth. "Yes, I do love your mother. She helped me when I first got hurt, and we are now good friends. Does it upset you that I love your mom?"

I see Billy struggling with how to respond to me, so I help him along. "Let me just say one thing, Billy. Your father will always be your father. I know how much you love him, and no one will ever change that for you. Your mother has been very lonely the past two years, and I have also been lonely. I will never do anything to hurt any of you. I like spending time with you, Billy. I don't think you know just how much you have helped me recover from what happened to me."

"Do you really love my mom?"

"Yes, I really love her, Billy."

"And does she love you?"

"Yes, she does."

"I guess it's okay with me, but I don't know about Susan. She misses Dad a lot."

That worries me more than I care to say at the moment. Knowing Rebecca, she will always put the needs of her children before her own needs, and this may be the end of our new relationship. I need to speak to Susan. Billy and I follow the sound of her crying, which eventually leads us to Susan's bedroom. When she sees me standing in the doorway, her cries intensify. I walk over to the bed and sit next to her.

Rebecca looks at me with pain in her eyes.

Susan looks at me with hate in her eyes.

"Can I talk to you, Susan?"

"No, go away."

Rebecca steps in. "Susan, honey, don't be rude to Mike. He wants to speak to you."

Susan looks at me again but doesn't say anything. Why do I feel like I'm walking the plank? "Susan, I want to tell you what I just told Billy. I know you love your dad, and I also know how much you miss him, and no one will ever replace your father. Your dad will always love you, and I know he is looking down from heaven and telling all of the angels how much he loves you, and how beautiful you are."

"I love your mom, and I love you and Billy. I have been so lonely since I lost my hand. I am sure you know how it feels to be lonely, and I like coming over here and spending time with all of you. I would never do anything to hurt your mom because I really love her."

Susan stops crying as my words sink in. She is looking at me, and then she sits up and moves closer to me. Rebecca and Billy are also watching me, and I pray I say the right thing. I feel like my future depends on what I say next. Susan looks down at my stump and touches it again.

"Mommy said that we will never forget Daddy and that he would want us to be happy. Is that true? I don't want to be happy if Daddy isn't here with us."

"Your father is always with you. Place your hand over your heart." I watch as Susan does what I ask.

"Your daddy is in your heart, and you carry his love with you every day. It's difficult understanding why someone dies sweetheart, and I don't have the answer to why bad things happen. If I did, I would feel much better about losing my hand. What is important now is for all of us to live our lives and be happy. In doing that, we honor the person who is no longer with us. Your dad would not want you to cry. You and Billy are the very best thing to ever happen to your mother and father."

Billy asks me, "Why do people die?"

I look over at Rebecca, and she has tears in her eyes. How do you explain death to small children? "God created all of his creatures to have a beginning and an ending. In between there is living. There is life in all things on this earth, from the trees to the plants, and the fish in the ocean. Nothing that is alive today will live forever. People have lifetimes too. Some live to be eighty or ninety years old, and some only live for a short time. There are times that people are so badly hurt, or so ill, that they die because they can no longer stay alive. No matter how long we live, we have a beginning, and an ending, and while we are alive, we must do our very best to live a fulfilling life."

Susan is obviously frightened. "When I was in the car with Daddy, it flipped over, and I got hurt. The car scares me. I don't want to go to heaven like my daddy."

"When I got hurt, I was also afraid that I would go to Heaven, but I didn't. You are going to live for a very long time. You will grow up to be a beautiful young woman, get married, and have children of your own to love. It's okay to worry sometimes, but you have your mom and Billy, and they love you. I have an excellent idea. Do you want to go out and get some ice cream?"

"You're not mad at me because I yelled at you?" Susan asks me.

"No, sweetheart. I'm not mad at you. I could never be mad at you or Billy. Give me a minute to talk to your Mom; then we'll go out for ice cream."

oOo

Once the kids leave the room, Rebecca collapses onto the bed and covers her face with her hands. I sit next to her and wrap my arm around her shoulder. She is trembling against my body, and I pull her closer to me.

"Oh God," she says as she leans against me. "I can't thank you enough for the way you handled the situation."

"Rebecca, I don't want to do anything to traumatize your children. If you think we should take a step back for a few months, please tell me. I'm becoming attached to you in the best possible way, and I don't want to do anything to upset them."

"I have worried about meeting someone new. I worried about how my children would react to seeing me with another man. I don't want to live my life alone. It feels nice having you in my life."

I kiss her forehead. "It feels nice to me too. Let's take it one day at a time, and hopefully, Susan will warm up to me."

"And what if she doesn't?"

"Well, I'll just have to be on my best behavior. If it is not me, it would be someone else. I don't want to force the situation. I will take my cue from her."

"This isn't fair to you, Mike."

"Life isn't fair, Rebecca. Both of us have seen just how unfair life is up close and personal. Susan and Billy cope as children should. I think its time for all of us to smile again. That's what I want, honey. I am sick and tired of listening to myself complain, and after what I almost did last week, I don't ever want to go down that road again."

"I have tried so hard to be strong for the kids, but I'm not strong. I'm lonely, and I need you in my life. I want you in my life, but I'm afraid of what will happen if the kids do not accept our relationship. I have to put their welfare first, even if that means walking away from you."

I whisper to her, "I won't let you walk away from me. That will never happen."

Rebecca continues to cry and doesn't see Billy and Susan walk into the bedroom. I look over at Billy and jerk my head, indicating that I want them to leave the room. Billy takes Susan's hand and leaves the room. I don't know how long we hold each other when Rebecca looks up at me and kisses me softly on the lips. Our eyes lock onto each other, and I fall a little deeper in love with her.

"Sorry," Rebecca says as she wipes the tears from her beautiful face.

"You have nothing to be sorry about. You've probably held a lot in the past two years."

"Yes, I have. I've done a lot of crying in the shower. I don't want to cry in front of the kids."

"I hate to tell you that they saw you crying a few minutes ago."

"Oh, no. I don't want to upset my kids."

"Maybe it's time the three of you cried together."

"Yeah, perhaps it's time. I need to wash my face. Go downstairs and give me a few minutes to get myself together. I look like a mess."

"You look beautiful," I say as I walk out of the room.

When I walk into the living room, the kids are sitting on the sofa, and they are upset.

"Why is mom crying?" Billy asks me.

"Your mom misses your dad, Billy. It's natural for someone to cry when they lose someone."

"I cried a lot in the hospital. I couldn't go to Dad's funeral because I was hurt."

I look at Susan, expecting her to say something, but she's withdrawn into herself and won't look at me. "How do you feel, Susan?"

No response.

"Do you want to visit your dad?"

"Can we?" Billy asks.

"I think that's an excellent idea," I hear Rebecca say behind me. When I turn around to look at her, my heart does a little flip-flop. She walks over to the sofa and sits next to Susan.

"We are going to drive in Mike's car. Do you want me to sit in the back seat with you?"

Susan nods her head, and I can see her tremble slightly. I walk over to her and sit on the table, so I am facing her.

"I understand why you are afraid of getting into a car. A few weeks ago, I inadvertently walked to the store where I was hurt, and I was so frightened, I was afraid to move. I had to learn how to drive my car with one hand, and I was so scared my dad had to come with me. Do you want to sit in the front seat with me?" Susan nods her head, yes, and the amount of relief that I feel shocks me. I give Rebecca a few minutes to get the car seat out of her car.

When we get into the car, Rebecca lifts Susan into the car and buckles her seatbelt. I get into the driver's seat, and as I drive down the street, Susan is watching the steering wheel with fascination. I've mastered driving with one hand, and when I turn the wheel, she looks at me again.

"What's that?" she asks and points to the spinner knob on the steering wheel.

"It's called a spinner knob, and it helps me to turn the car with one hand. I didn't like it when I started driving again, but I need it."

"You turn the wheel really fast."

"I do?"

"Yeah. Did you practice driving?"

"I did. It took me about two weeks to feel comfortable driving, but now I like it."

"Can I turn it sometime?" Susan asks me.

"When we get somewhere safe, you can turn the wheel." I hear Rebecca laughing in the back seat. This should be interesting.
Chapter 14

The mood changes when we arrive at St.'s Peter and Paul Cemetery. I look in the rearview mirror again and see Rebecca wiping tears from her face. Billy is staring out of the window with a blank look on his face, and Susan is yanking at the seatbelt strapped across her body. Rebecca directs me to where Ben rests, and when everyone gets out of the car, I remain seated. I watch them walk across the grass to Ben's grave, and then I see Rebecca fall to her knees. Billy and Susan remain standing, and it breaks my heart when Billy places his hand on his mother's shoulder.

I don't know how long I sit in my car watching what should be a private moment. I feel awkward, staring at them, so I lower my eyes and look at my arm. I suddenly realize that it could have been my mother falling to her knees in front of my grave. My stomach rolls thinking about how I almost threw my life away like yesterday's trash. My mind relives that awful day in stunning clarity, considering my state of mind at the time. I close my eyes and try in vain to force the memories from my mind, but they haunt me to the point of madness.

I've talked a lot about my death wish with Joe, but today is the first day that I truly understand the stages of grief. I am equally aware that I must live my life, such as it is, to the best of my ability. Today starts a new chapter in my life, and as I look across the grass to where Rebecca is still kneeling in front of her husband's grave, one thing is crystal clear. I want her in my life, and whatever I have to do to make that happen, I'll do it.

Several minutes later, I see Rebecca and the children walking back to my car. The ravaged look on her face hits me hard. I get out of the car, and as soon as Rebecca is in front of me, she falls into my body and cries from the deepest part of her soul. Billy and Susan are also crying, and it's all I can do to comfort them. I open the car door, and when I sit on the edge of the seat, Billy wraps his arms around me and cries. Susan does the same thing, and my heart breaks a thousand times. I don't know what to say, so I just hold them in my arms.

"I got buggers on your shirt," Billy looks down at my shirt, and everyone laughs.

"It's okay kiddo. My shirt is bugger proof."

"I tried not to cry, but I miss my dad."

"Everyone needs a good cry, even me," I tell Billy. "I've cried a lot the past few months. There is nothing wrong with expressing how you feel."

"Will I always feel sad, Mike? I don't want to feel sad all the time."

Billy is looking at me with his big brown eyes, waiting for me to reply. "Let me ask you a question. Comparing now to when you got hurt, do you feel sadder or less sad?"

Billy takes a minute or two before he answers me. "I guess I feel less sad. When I first came home from the hospital, I cried all the time. My leg hurt, and I missed my dad."

"Grief is a funny thing. Sometimes we feel happy, and then we feel weird that we feel happy, because someone that we love is not here to share our happiness. Is that how the two of you feel?"

Susan nods her head, yes. Rebecca covers her mouth with her hand, and Billy answers me.

"Yeah. Sometimes I forget that I feel sad. Does that make me a bad person?"

"No, that doesn't mean you are a bad person. When someone dies, the family who loves that person still have to live their lives. I remember when my grandfather died. I was fifteen, and he was my best buddy. We did everything together. We went fishing, and he took me to the Phillies games. I had a lot of fun with Gramps, and when he died, we had season tickets to the Phillies games. I didn't want to go, but my dad told me that Gramps wouldn't want me sitting in my bedroom all summer. The first game that I went to with my dad, I was so upset that I got sick. I felt guilty because I didn't want to go to the game, but my dad made me go to every ball game."

"I realized that no matter what I did, my Gramps is still in heaven, and I decided that I would honor my grandfather by being happy. That's what your dad wants for you, Billy. He wants you and Susan and your mom to be happy without feeling guilty. He wants your mom to have new friends. I still miss my Gramps every day."

oOo

The day that I have been anxiously waiting for has finally arrived.

"Are you excited about getting your new hand, Mike?"

"Yes, I am very excited." I look over at Billy, who is sitting next to me. Susan is in the back seat with Rebecca. "I can't wait to toss a baseball with you, kiddo. We need to get you a glove, a bat, and a box of balls."

The smile that lights up his face melts my heart. "Really? When can we get them?"

"How about we go after I get my hand. Then we can have lunch. And, I think Susan needs a new bike."

"I get to have a new bike?" Susan screams from the back seat. "It's not my birthday."

"No, it's not. Today is an important day for me. Today is the first day of my new life, and I want to share it with all of you."

Billy leans into me and rests his hand on my leg. "I love you, Mike. Thanks for teaching me how to play baseball. Can we go to the park?"

"I love you too, kiddo, and we can go anywhere you like. Susan can ride her new bike, and your mom can relax and enjoy the beautiful weather. Let's make it a fun day."

My mood soars as I open the windows and feel the fresh air swirl around the inside of the car. The sun is shining, and the weather is warm. It is a perfect day to spend in the park. When we arrive at the hospital, I park in my designated spot. My heart does a little happy dance knowing that the hospital has not painted over my name. The kids walk in front of us as we exit the parking garage.

Rebecca whispers to me, "I love you."

"I love you too, sweetheart."

"It feels so good seeing my kids smile again, and you've made them very happy by suggesting we go to the park."

"What can I do to make mommy smile again?"

"Just love me, Mike. Understand that I will have bad days. Hold me when I have bad days. Laugh when I laugh. Love my kids. Love...me."

"Let's hold each other, Rebecca. The two of us have spent enough time being unhappy. Do you have any idea how happy you've made me? Let's talk about this when we get home."

I have my arm around Rebecca as we enter the hospital. I see Glenn again, and this time, I smile as I shake his hand.

"Doctor Jessup. Happy to see you again. How are you?"

"Nice to see you again, Glenn, and I am doing really well. I get my new hand today, and I have my support team with me. And when we leave the hospital, we're off to get baseball supplies and a new bike. Then it's lunch and an afternoon in the park."

Glenn smiles. "That sounds really good. Enjoy your day and congratulations on the new hand. Are you coming back to work soon?"

"Yes, by the end of summer. I can't wait."

"That's good news doc. Everyone asks about you. Can I give them the good news?"

"Sure. Spread the word!"

As we walk through the lobby to the elevators, I see several people that know me, and we exchange smiles and waves. I feel so comfortable being here, and for a few minutes, I forget about my hand, and that shocks me. We make a quick stop to the cafeteria to get the kids juice, and I see Lauren with...what the fuck!...Bruce and they are holding hands as they sit at one of the tables drinking coffee. Fucking Bruce! I stand frozen in place as I stare at them, and when Lauren sees me, she pulls her hand away from Bruce. Too late honey, I saw you. Rebecca knows what's going on and wraps an arm around me. Susan and Billy move closer to me. I am surrounded by love, and that makes me feel so good.

Susan looks up at me with trepidation in her eyes. "What's wrong, Mike? Are you okay?"

I walk over to an empty chair and sit down. I feel Lauren and Bruce staring at me, and this is my only opportunity to show them that I am not affected by their deception. I motion for Billy and Susan to move closer to me, and Rebecca stands behind me with her hands on my shoulders. Susan sits on my knee, and Billy stands next to me.

"I'm okay sweetheart. I saw someone who used to be my friend, and I got a little mad, but I'm okay now. As long as I have the three of you by my side, I will always be fine."

"Is that because you love us?" Billy asks.

"That's right kiddo."

I feel Rebecca squeeze my shoulders. I tilt my head back to look up at her, and when I do, she kisses me, and the world stops spinning. When I stand to get the kids their juice, I take one last look at Lauren and Bruce and turn my back to them. I turn my back on the past and focus on the future.

oOo

My new hand looks intimidating and very realistic with the glove. The fingers are slightly larger than an average hand, but that's okay. With the glove, it's not noticeable. Carol spends the better part of an hour, fitting the prosthesis to my limb. The arm is the color of gunmetal, and there are several sensors strategically placed on the inside that are controlled by the muscles in my arm. It has eight pre-set hand motions, and the thumb can be adjusted to accommodate different functions. I go through the motions of bending my fingers, pointing, gripping something as thin as a credit card, and clicking a computer mouse.

This arm is very sophisticated and worth every penny that I had to pay out of pocket. The hand rotates, and the first time I did this, Billy and Susan ran over to me, fascinated. I can't turn it with the silicone glove, and that's okay because I will not remove it. Carol thought ahead and ordered several for me, which should last a few years. Once I have finished amusing the kids, Carol gives me a few instructions.

"Take it off at the end of the day, or the skin around the stump will get irritated. Put on the compression sleeve at night for the first few weeks. I am giving you a few jars of Ampu Balm. Rub it on the irritated area. You can use it every day. I also suggest you change the type of soap that you use. To clean your liner, use hypoallergenic soap that will not leave a residue on your skin or the liner of the arm."

"When the weather is hot, you will find that the prosthesis feels warm. That's natural due to the materials used. I should warn you that this stuff smells like shit, literally, so you need to pay particular attention to washing it off your arm and the liner a few times a day. If you notice a burning sensation or redness, call me. You can also use cornstarch if you are unable to stomach the smell. It really is awful. Also, remember to control the grip as much as possible, and if you break a glass, don't worry about it. In a few weeks, it will feel more natural to you."

The fit is very tight, and I do feel some pain, but this is to be expected. When I stand up, I immediately noticed that my balance feels right. I am beyond thrilled to get rid of the cane. On the way out of Carol's office, Susan reaches up and holds my prosthetic hand. I touch one of the sensors, and the fingers wrap around hers. Day one starts now.

Next stop is the local Walmart to pick up baseball supplies and a new bike. When I get in the car, I try to hold the steering wheel with my left hand. The move is awkward, and I cannot control the grip on the steering wheel. I need to practice driving with my hand, and in the interim, I will continue to drive as I have been for the past six months. Baby steps. I suddenly hear Joe's voice in my head telling me to live in the moment and not worry about what happens tomorrow.

After lunch, I take the kids to FDR Park. Susan is beyond excited to ride her new bike, and Rebecca follows behind her. I hand Billy his new baseball glove, and we have our first game of catch. Considering that I've had my new hand for approximately three hours, I do pretty well tossing the ball.

"This is fun," Billy yells out to me. "You throw the ball pretty good with your new hand."

"I know. I'm surprised the thing doesn't fly off my arm."

"You're too funny, Mike."

"How would you like to go to a game with me?"

"You want to take me to a game, for real?"

"I do. We can ask my dad if he wants to go with us, and we can have a guy's day out. Have a little fun, and eat hot dogs and french fries."

The look on Billy's face changes in the blink of an eye. He is flushed, and I can see that he is about to cry. I walk over to him, and he leans against me.

"What's wrong, kiddo?" I whisper to him. Rebecca is watching us, and I give her a wink.

"I've never been to a baseball game. My dad talked about it, but I never went with him."

"We can do a lot of fun things together. All you have to do is ask, okay?"

"Yeah. Okay. When can we go?"

Billy doesn't know that I texted my father and asked him to get the tickets for me. "Is next Saturday too soon for you?"

"You already have the tickets?"

"Yep. After we left Walmart, I sent my dad a text and asked him to get tickets for us."

"Gee, Mike, you work fast."

"That's because I want to have fun with my best buddy."

"Me too, Mike. I can't wait. Susan might get jealous."

"Don't worry. I have something special planned for her, also."

"What is it?" I hear Susan ask me.

"Well, your mom tells me that you love pretty flowers. How would you like to go to Longwood Gardens? They have a ton of flowers. We can have a picnic and look at the water fountains and have a lot of fun."

"Just me and you?" she asks me, and then a sad expression clouds her sweet face. She gets off of her bike and runs over to the bench. I follow her.

"What's wrong honey? You know, you can talk to me."

"Daddy was going to take me there for my birthday."

I had no idea, and when I look over at Rebecca, she's also surprised.

"We can go somewhere else if it will upset you."

"Can Mommy come with us?"

"Of course, she can. We'll have a lot of fun, and we'll get pretty flowers, and you can give them to your dad on the way home."

Susan climbs onto my lap, and I wrap a protective arm around her. "I like it when you take me places."

"I like it too, sweetheart."
Chapter 15

For the first time since the shooting, I am eager to start the day. My day begins with my therapy session with Joe. What I find so amazing is how much my attitude about life has changed since I told Rebecca that I love her. She grounds me, she calms me, she makes me feel like anything is possible, and for the first time since I lost my hand, I do feel like anything is possible. Tonight, Rebecca and I will attend my group meeting with other amputees. As we drive to the meeting, Rebecca reaches over and places her hand on my leg. This is her version of holding my hand, which I need to drive the car.

"Are you nervous about being in a group setting?"

"No, I'm not nervous. Joe and I have made real progress this week. We focused on self-perception. I feel like I'm in school again. I have to observe my behavior and conclude what attitudes or response behavior causes me to become depressed or despondent. Self-perception determines my behavior, and if I think that I am weak and insecure, I will act that way. The road towards happiness and authenticity is not determined by something outside ourselves. It is determined by our own thinking, our own inner process, our own self-perception."

"Wow. That's sounds very Freudian and a little over my head."

"Yeah," I laugh. "I feel very mellow when I think about it. Joe makes me think and not react, which is a very different way of thinking for me. Years of being a doctor teach you to think and act at the same time. My mind never had an off button. I was on-call twenty-four seven. That's why I never noticed you living next door to me. I had tunnel vision. It's probably the reason why Lauren left me and looking back now, how can I blame her? I wasn't present in our relationship. I won't make that mistake again. Not with you, honey. I love you too much to sabotage our relationship. Joe is forcing me to live in the moment."

Rebecca says, "I think that is a perfect way to live. Looking back is counter-productive. We both know what is causing your anxiety and stress. It's not an unseen force. It's genuine and life-changing."

"Yeah. Joe said that as humans, we have a knee-jerk response to stress. We react in fear and spiral more deeply into fear, which then causes depression. It's all very intense for me, but I get what he is trying to convey. I have to surrender to the fear to overcome it. I think I'm at that point now. It is exhausting trying to fight something that I can't change. Sometimes I feel like a dog chasing its tail. I go round and round in circles and never accomplish anything. I'm going back to work in eight weeks."

"I think going back to work is the best thing for you. It will keep you focused on someone else, and it will also show you that what's in that gorgeous head of yours hasn't changed. You are still Doctor Michael Jessup, Cardiologist. Your patients won't care about your hand because they know you are a skilled doctor. At the end of the day, that's all that matters."

When I get to a red light, I lean across the armrest and kiss her. "I love you, honey."

"I love you too, Mike. Let's get this over with and get something to eat. I'm starving. Do you want pizza?"

Determined to face my fear, I say, "Yeah, let's go back to Nick's."

oOo

I am surprised to see only three people in the room, not including Joe. I relax a little because I feel more comfortable with a smaller group of individuals. Sitting next to me are a husband and wife, and at the other end of the table is a young girl, maybe twenty years old. Once everyone is comfortable and served coffee and cake, Joe begins.

"Looks like we have a small group tonight. I'd like to keep the names on a first name basis because I feel it lets you speak freely. Tonight I would like to discuss body image. What are your thoughts on body image and dealing with the perceptions of others?"

Jenny, the young girl at the end of the table, responds first. "I am still struggling with my identity as an amputee. I have a lot of stress, and adjusting to my new life has been disappointing and stressful. I find it hard to look in the mirror most days, and when I do, I can't look at my leg. Most times, I'm sensitive to people's stares and whispers. It does not bother me talking about my prosthesis, or how I lost my leg. What bothers me is other people's perception that I've lost a part of my brain, and they treat me differently. I've tried to hide my leg as much as possible, thinking that no one would notice, but that didn't work. Everyone notices my limp. I don't hide it anymore because I've realized that no matter what I do, I am the girl with one leg."

"A few of my friends talked me into going out with them to a club. Several guys came over to our table during the night, and we talked and had a good time. Then, I had to tell them about my leg, and suddenly, I became invisible. I haven't had sex since the accident. My leg doesn't define who I am, but how do I make people see that I am still the same person? I'm so tired of pretending that I'm okay when I'm not okay. I feel depressed most days, and getting through the day is difficult. If it weren't for my job, I'd probably never leave the house."

The next person to respond is Charles. "Well, of course, I'd rather have two legs, but since I don't, I have to accept my fate. I lost my leg eighteen months ago when I crashed my motorcycle. I am a police officer who can no longer do his job. When I first went back to work, my commander didn't know what to do with me. Obviously, I can't chase perps like I once did, and I considered early retirement. My commanding officer talked me out of that and found a job for me where I can use my investigative skills. I now assist the special victim's crimes unit, and I'm able to do some street work. I'm not happy about being limited in what I can do, but I am making a difference, and that's what matters. I can't afford to lose my health insurance, and I still have ten years before I can retire."

"Angie and I had been married for close to twenty years when I had the brilliant idea to buy a motorcycle for my birthday. Three months later, I'm in the hospital with a shattered leg. The first thing that I worried about was would Angie think less of me as a man without my leg? I thank God each day that I have my wife by my side because, without her, I would have killed myself. Life changed for me, but at the end of the day, I'm still living, and that's what matters most."

"My sons don't see me any differently, even though I can no longer shoot hoops with them. I am working on it, but I haven't mastered the necessary coordination. We find other activities that we can do as a family, and I cherish those moments, because soon, they will be in college, and the house will be empty. As far as perception goes, I worry more about how I see myself and not how other people see me. I am happy with myself post-surgery, and I don't give a shit about how others perceive me. The only opinion that matters is Angie's and my kids, and she still thinks I'm sexy."

"Yes, I do," Angie says. "When you almost lose someone you love, it makes you realize how much you love this person. Am I sad that Charles no longer has a part of his leg? Yes, it devastated me, but the love that I have for my husband did not change. His health and well-being are essential to me, and I will not let what happened to Charles change how much I love him. I remember the fear I felt while my sons and I waited while Charles was in surgery. All I thought about was how I would live my life if something happened to him? How would my sons adjust to not having their father in their lives? He had other injuries besides the leg, and the days after the operation were awful, but we were determined as a family to help him recover. The day he came home was the happiest day for us, and having him lay next to me in bed, and feeling the warmth of his body against mine means everything to me."

"Our sex life has gotten better since the accident. We take the time to communicate with each other. Sometimes we lay in bed, in the dark, and talk about our day. We never did that before the accident. Charles was always a 'wham bam thank you ma'am' kind of guy in bed, but now, it's different for us. We cuddle, and when I tell you that Charles hated cuddling, I'm not lying. We find new ways to make love, and I have to say, I like it very much. I fell in love with the whole package, and that will never change."

Now it's my turn to spill my guts. "I lost my hand five months ago when someone shot me in the forearm, and up until a few weeks ago, I've been living in denial. I am a surgeon, and that part of my career is over. I think all doctors have a bad case of an inflated ego. We save lives, and we like to believe that we are superhuman, but I am anything but superhuman. I avoid the friends that I had before I lost my hand. I was very active in sports, and we had that in common. Now, I find it hard facing them, knowing I can't keep up with them. I always saw myself as confident and independent, and now I see myself with different eyes."

"Gone is the self-assured doctor, and in his place is a person who fears everything. Simple tasks like taking a shower and getting dressed are exhausting. I can only cook simple meals, and don't get me started on laundry. I thought about hiring someone to do all of this for me, but then I thought if I didn't at least try, what good am I? My life has changed so much in the last few months. I kept asking myself, why didn't the bullet take my life? I lay in my hospital bed, asking myself that question repeatedly. Why didn't I die?"

"Then, an incredible thing happened that had me re-assessing everything in my life. I met a young boy named Billy, who lost his leg in a car accident. Billy's zest for life, even with his limitations, touched me deeply. The first day I was in rehab, I met Billy, and he gave me a demonstration of how he was able to navigate with his new leg, then we had ice cream."

"When you see adversity through the eyes of a child, it puts a lot of things into perspective. I thought I had it under control, until one night, my world crashed down around me, and I sat on the edge of my bed and swallowed a handful of pills. That was the second time I attempted suicide. I sit here today because Rebecca and my father saved my life. I knew then that I needed help, and thanks to Joe, I am on the road to recovery. Even more important, I have an extraordinary woman in my life, and I thank God every day that Billy's mom fell in love with me because I love her so very much."

"All I saw was the space where my hand used to be. I was in a lot of pain, both physically and emotionally, and all I could think about was how my life changed in the blink of an eye. I kept thinking about why I decided to get coffee at that time of day. Had I been ten minutes late, would I have avoided the robbery? If I hadn't been looking down at my goddamn phone, I would have seen what I was walking into. I had so many 'what if's' running through my head. It is a devastating loss for me. Acceptance is the first step in healing, and I have finally accepted the loss of my hand. That's a massive step for me."

No sooner had the words left my mouth when I realize that I never told Rebecca about my first attempt at suicide. When I turn to look at her, fury sparks in her eyes.

"When was the first time, Mike?" she asks through clenched teeth.

"I...um. I never told you about it. I'm sorry, but with everything else going wrong in my life, I take responsibility for not telling you what happened."

"Why don't you tell me now. Don't you think I have the right to know that the man I love attempted to take his life not once but twice?"

Joe attempts to defuse the situation by speaking, but Rebecca holds out her hand to stop him. "I'd like to hear it from Mike. Please be quiet, Joe."

I squirm in my seat. "It was the day after I woke up from the surgery. The pain was unbearable, and all I wanted to do was die. I didn't want to live like that, Rebecca. I...I removed the port in my neck and stabbed my carotid artery with a pen." The look of horror on her face has my stomach rolling in fear. "Joe tried to help me then, but I wasn't hearing him. I was too focused on my therapy. It's my fault, Rebecca. I pushed it to the back of my mind and tried to resume my life. I failed miserably, as you can see. I'm a coward because I didn't have the strength to fight for my life. Twice I attempted to end my life, and in the process, I hurt my family, and I hurt you."

"It kills me seeing the look on your face because I know I deserve it. I wouldn't blame you if you left me, and if you did, I'd miss you for the remainder of my life. I told Joe that I wanted to be a better man for you, and he said that I need to be a better man for me."

I've done all that I can do to convey my remorse. Now I sit and wait for Rebecca to determine my fate.

"This is the second time that you've lied to me, and it will be the last time. You say that you love me, and then you keep things from me. Important things that I need to know. How can I trust that you won't lie to me again? How can I trust you with my heart, when I can't trust you to tell me the truth?"

"I swear to you that I will never keep anything from you. I love you more than I can express at the moment. I want a life with you. I want everything with you. I never meant to keep this from you."

"But you did keep it from me. I know this is difficult for you, and I'm making it all about me. I'm scared, Mike. I need assurances that you will not hurt yourself again because if you do, I'll never get over it."

I turn in my seat and take her hand in mine. "I swear honey. I want to live. I can't go on with this turmoil eating away at me. I've made progress, real progress, and I will continue my therapy. I also promise never to keep anything from you, good or bad. You told me that we're in this together, and I want you by my side for as long as I live."

"Is it okay for me to speak now?" Joe asks dryly. Everyone in the room laughs, which eases some of the tension.

"I would like to speak to the group. You've just seen a classic case of bottled up emotions and the ramifications that they can have on a relationship. It's important that all of you express how you feel with your spouse or the important people in your life. Your recovery depends on this honesty. As you can see, keeping your truth from the important people in your lives can have a detrimental effect on your recovery."

"It took great courage and love for Rebecca and Mike to express their feelings to an audience watching them. It also speaks to the depths that Mike will go to adjust and live with the limitations that all of you have. I hope that all of you continue to share with the group your fears, and your accomplishments. It may seem like we meet only to discuss the difficulties in our lives. I also want to hear about your accomplishments, and today, Mike took a huge step forward."

Rebecca gets up from her chair, stands behind mine, and wraps her arms around me. The love and acceptance that I feel from her give me the strength to fight for what I want.

Joe wraps up the meeting. "We have three different points of view, and each one is valid. Relationships, whether they be physical or emotional, almost always have a positive influence on our emotional wellbeing. Shielding yourself from the world as a defense mechanism is easy. One of the first things that I tell my patients is that you cannot control how other people see or perceive you. Developing close emotional bonds with the people around you is important. It doesn't have to be a physical relationship, but without that closeness, we can feel lonely or depressed. Part of the healing process is to talk about what you are feeling."

"Amputees often avoid intimate relationships because of the negative opinions they have about body image. Mike brought up a good point about being superhuman. You cannot control how other people see you. However, you can control how you react. The loss of a limb does not define who you are as a person, and recent studies have proven that people will not reject your friendship because of your amputation. Stay involved with the people in your life. Don't shut them out by keeping your feelings hidden from them. Find support groups and learn from others who have shared a similar experience. Your life may be different now, but you can still live a full and happy life. I hope to see all of you next week."

"How do I do that when I'm afraid to leave the house?" Jenny asks Joe. I answer for him.

"My therapist forced me into a situation that I was unprepared to deal with emotionally. I heard unkind comments, and the way that people were looking at me made me very angry. All I thought about was how was I going to survive this terrible thing that has happened to me. I was living in denial, and ultimately, those feelings festered inside of me, and well...I did something stupid, not once but twice, and it caused a lot of pain to the people who love me."

"Life will not be easy for any of us, Jenny. The true test is to realize that we are still alive. We live, we breathe, we go to work, and we survive. You need to survive, Jenny. You are a beautiful young girl. Live your life the way you want to live it. Don't worry about anything else, because at the end of the day, when you close your eyes at night, you will know deep within you that you survived another day. And when you least expect it," I look over at Rebecca, "someone wonderful will walk into your life and change everything for you."

"How did you feel after you took the pills?"

"Honestly, that was the worst day of my life, far worse than losing my hand, because I hurt my parents, and I also hurt Rebecca. I hurt the people who love me, and for the rest of my life, I will never forget that day. I had to crash and burn before I woke up. I still feel depressed at times, and that's okay because I know where it's coming from. None of us can live our lives in denial. The world is cruel at times. People are cruel at times. It's inevitable that we will hear comments or be treated differently because of how we look."

"It doesn't mean that we are inferior, or defective in some way. That was the most difficult thing for me to deal with. I felt, and at times still, feel defective. It's not easy getting past those feelings, and I am working on it with Joe. Talk to Joe. Tell him how you feel. Don't keep it inside of you because it will destroy your life like it tried to destroy mine."

Jenny walks over to me and hugs me. I feel her body shake against mine. Her tears shatter me emotionally because I can relate to her pain. It will always be with me. I wrap my arm around her and pull Jenny closer to me.

I whisper to her, "It's okay to cry, sweetheart."

I believe this is the first time that Jenny has expressed her feelings because Joe is standing behind her with a shocked expression on his face. He places a sympathetic hand on her shoulder, and Jenny shatters in my arms. I look up at Rebecca and see tears in her eyes. Several minutes later, she disengages herself from me and wipes her face with shaking hands.

"Sorry. I didn't mean to blubber all over you. I'm just tired of holding in how I feel."

"It's okay, Jenny. Will you be here next week?"

"Yes. I think I need help."

"Then, this is where you need to be."

"Yeah."

oOo

That was intense," Rebecca says as we walk to my car.

"Yes, it was, and I am glad that you came with me tonight. All of this emotional shit gets to me sometimes."

"Of course, it does. Guys, in general, are not good at expressing how they feel."

"I always kept how I felt to myself. It's not easy for me spilling my emotional guts for everyone to see."

"Will you always share how you feel with me?"

"Yeah. I knew almost immediately that it was easy sharing how I felt with you, and I'm sorry that I kept some important things from you. Honestly, it was an oversight. I was already shattered by my second attempt, and I was hanging on emotionally by a thin thread. I don't want secrets between us. All of that talking made me hungry. Do you still want pizza?"

"Of course, I do. I'm starving."

"Are you still mad at me?"

"I'm not mad, just upset that you felt you couldn't share that with me. Like I said in the meeting, it's not about me. It's about you, and how you cope."

"I know. I've been so wound up that I feel like my head spins at times, but since I've seen Joe every day, my soul feels lighter. I don't feel like I'm drowning in my grief. You have brought love into my life, honey, and at the end of the day when I close my eyes, I look forward to tomorrow. You've done that for me, Rebecca. You and the kids hold me up and keep me focused on the goal line."

"And what is on the other side of the goal line, Mike?"

"Do you want me to be honest with you?"

"Always. No secrets between us."

"I see marriage and more children in my future. It will take me a while to get there, but that's what I want. Do you share this dream with me, Rebecca?"

"I never thought I would get married again. Losing Ben devastated me, and I resolved to live out my life alone. I have to focus on my children. You've snuck up on my blind side, and I am so very grateful to feel this way again. I will always love Ben, but there is more than enough room in my heart for you, Mike."

I let out an audible breath. "I felt the same way, sweetheart. I worried that women would no longer find me desirable with my disability. The amount of self-loathing that I felt overwhelmed me. Top that off with Lauren leaving me, and you can see how I sunk into depression. You don't look at me and see a disabled man. You look at me as a man, and nothing more. I can't begin to tell you how good it feels when you look at me. I can see the love in your eyes, and I am so happy that you live next door to me because I get to see you any time of the day or night. All I have to do is look out of my kitchen window, and I can see into your kitchen. Makes me feel closer to you."

oOo

As soon as we get out of the car, I break out in a cold sweat. It's frigging eighty-five degrees, and I'm freezing. I know it's anxiety, and having Rebecca's support does nothing to calm me. The odds of something happening again, at the same location, is slim, but nonetheless, I still react to the memory of that night. As we walk to the table, the owner runs over to greet us.

"Oh, I am so glad to see you again. I want to apologize for what happened the last time you were here. Please, let me buy dinner for the two of you. Order whatever you like, and I'll get you a bottle of my best wine."

I take my seat and let out the breath I've been holding. A few minutes later, Nick returns to our table with two glasses and a bottle of red. I lift the glass to my lips with a shaking hand, and Rebecca sees it. She moves her chair closer to me and places her hand on my leg, gently squeezing it as a sign of support. I just start to relax when I see him approach our table. I rise to my feet and press a few buttons on my arm, which turns the hand into a fist. If he so much as touches me, the terminator will take him out quickly. He will not catch me off guard again. I widen my stance in anticipation of a confrontation.

He says, "I'm not here to fight with you. I want to apologize for what happened that night. Can I sit with you for a few minutes?"

My first reaction is to tell him to fuck off, but there something in his eyes that has me wavering. I see the sadness in his eyes because I've seen it staring back at me in the mirror. I unclench my fist and pull out the chair next to me.

"First, I'd like to apologize for my inexcusable behavior that night. I don't live far from here, and I eat here to escape the tension in my house. I wasn't in my right mind, and since I never drink, I had no control over anything. I hope you were not seriously hurt."

"Why did you do it?" I ask and point to my arm. "Clearly, you can see that I am at a disadvantage, and you hurt a little boy who is recovering from a serious car accident. I just want to know why you felt it was okay to push me."

"That day was supposed to be the happiest day of my life. My wife and I were expecting our first child, and a few days before delivery, she stopped feeling the baby move. Our doctor told us that our baby died in utero, and I had to stand there in the delivery room and watch my wife deliver our little girl. I couldn't cope, so I got drunk. I got stinking drunk, and that's when I saw you, and I just snapped. I am sorry if I hurt your arm. I'm not proud of myself, and I apologize again. Can I pick up the tab for your dinner?"

How can I stay mad at this person when he just lost his child? "What's your name?"

"My name is Ralph Barker."

I reach out and shake his hand. "My name is Michael Jessup. I am sorry for the loss of your daughter. Why don't we just forget about what happened that night, okay? Both of us are dealing with something awful in our lives. How is your wife?"

"Neither of us are coping with the loss of our daughter, my wife especially. She blames herself and nothing that I say or do helps her. I don't know what to do. She hasn't gotten out of bed since the funeral. My mother-in-law stays with her during the day while I work. I try to comfort her, but she won't let me touch her. I'm losing my wife, and I can't stop it."

I tell Ralph my story. "I lost my hand when I walked into a café that was in the process of a robbery. I am a surgeon, and I lost a big part of my life. I couldn't cope with it either and almost killed myself with a handful of pills. Everyone grieves differently, and if you would like the name and phone number of my therapist, I know that he can help you and your wife cope with the loss of your child."

"Yes, I'd like that very much. I can't let this go on much longer. Gina is slipping away from me."

I give Ralph Joe's phone number and mine. "You can call me if you need to vent. I understand loss, and sometimes it's hard talking to those closest to you."

Ralph stares at me for several minutes, apparently stunned by my offer.

"I never expected this when I came over to apologize. I appreciate the offer, and yes, I think I will call you. My family doesn't understand, and they think that by shoving food at us, that will help. It doesn't, and their constant presence in my house makes me nervous. We need time to grieve, and we are never alone. I can't get my wife out of the house."

"I know. I wanted to be alone when I came home from the hospital, but a little girl named Susan who lives next door to me brought me cookies that day, and that's when I met Rebecca." I reach over to hold her hand.

"A six-year-old girl put me in my place. I was very ignorant that day, and I'm not proud of my behavior. Joe can help both of you, but until your wife accepts the loss, she will never leave the house. I will ask Joe if he will make a house call. He's an excellent therapist, and he has helped me to understand that my life is not over. I had a hard time getting past the loss, but each day gets a little easier, now that I have finally accepted what had happened to me."

Ralph gets up and reaches out to shake my hand. "I wish you good luck, Mike. A lesser man would have punched me in the mouth."

"You too, Ralph. Call me, okay?"

"Yeah, I will call you. Enjoy your dinner."

I sit in stunned silence as I watch Ralph walk to the door. He turns one last time to look at me, nods his head, and walks out the door. Rebecca moves closer to me and wraps her arm around my shoulder.

"You just took your first real step in recovery, and I am so proud of you."

"Really? What did I do?"

"You forgave him for causing you so much grief. He is the reason why you took those pills, and yet, you let it go and forgave someone who is suffering just as much as you are."

"How could I stay angry with him? He just lost a part of him."

"And you lost a part of you. Different circumstances, same outcome."

I think about this for a few minutes, and I am stunned when I realize that my life is about to significantly change, hand or no hand. Life moves forward, and I move forward with it. I lean in and whisper, "I love you, honey."

"I love you too, Mike. This is a monumental day for you."

"I know. I feel...different. First, I spill my guts in therapy, and then I meet Ralph."

"What you said in therapy touched me deeply. I always want you to be honest with me."

"It's not easy for me, Rebecca. I learned early on in my career to keep my emotions contained. Be professional but distant from your patients. Unfortunately, I lived my personal life that way also. It is probably why I never noticed you living next door to me. I sound like an ass when I say that out loud. I really was self-absorbed."

"I wouldn't say self-absorbed, more like self-contained. That façade no longer exists."

I laugh. "No, it no longer exists. I feel vulnerable and exposed. My emotions are very close to the surface, and that makes me feel a little uncomfortable. I have to remember to live in the moment. I can't worry about tomorrow when it takes all of my concentration to get through the day."

"It won't always be difficult for you, Mike. In a few weeks, you'll be back at work, and life will get easier for you."

"I hope it does, honey."

Rebecca leans in and whispers to me, "After we eat dinner, take me home, Mike. I want to make love to you."

"Are you sure you're ready?"

"Yes, I am sure."

The drive home is quiet and comfortable, and the anticipation of making love to Rebecca soothes me. We stop at her house to check on the kids. Mrs. Henderson is sleeping on the sofa, and the kids are tucked in and asleep. Once we are back at my house, I take her hand in mine and lead her to the steps.

"I'm not sure if this will work. You may have to help me."

"I just want to be with you. If it doesn't work, we will try again. No pressure, okay?"

"Yeah, okay, no pressure, so why do I feel wound up?"

"Let's get into bed and hold each other. I want you to hold me, Mike. It's been so long since I've been held and cared for. I want that with you more than I can say."

"I want that too, honey. I love you so very much. Can you stay the night? I really want to wake up in the morning and feel you laying next to me."

"Yes. I can stay the night."

I sit on the edge of my bed transfixed as Rebecca slides down her body the thin summer dress she is wearing. My eyes slowly take in the vision of beauty standing before me, and when she kneels in front of me to help me undress, I close my eyes and surrender myself into her capable hands. Soft hands slide over my body, and when I am finally naked, I take off my prosthesis, put it on the night table and wrap myself around her beautiful body. My left arm goes around her soft body, and it feels so right holding her in my arms. In fact, it feels fantastic when Rebecca massages my arm.

"I finally have you naked in my bed," I whisper in her ear.

"Yeah, isn't it wonderful. Your body feels warm against mine. I just want you to hold me, Mike. We don't have to make love. This is what I want tonight."

Surprisingly, I want it too. I want to feel her body against mine without the pressure to perform in bed. I sense Rebecca feels this way also because she turns over and rests her head on my chest. My right arm goes around her body, and she moves closer to me. My mind relaxes as I drift off to sleep. This is the first day of my new life.
Chapter 16

I have my last therapy session with Joe, and then it's off to vacation for two weeks. My parents rented a house in Ocean City, and Rebecca and the kids are coming with us. When I get into the car, I try to drive without the spinning wheel. Maneuvering the steering wheel is still cumbersome, but I am determined to get rid of the spinning wheel. I've worn my prosthesis consistently for the past two months, and while I have some pain, overall, it's been a surprisingly pleasant experience. When I wear a long-sleeved shirt, no one knows that I am wearing it. The sleeve really does look like a real hand. I hope someday I will get over feeling self-conscious about my hand. When I arrive at Joe's office, it surprises me to see Ralph and his wife. I walk over and sit next to him.

"Hey, how are you?" I ask as I shake Ralph's hand.

"Better than we were a few weeks ago. This is my wife, Gina."

"Hello, Gina. It's nice to meet you."

She looks at me for a few minutes; then a sad look clouds her face.

"You're the guy that Ralph pushed, aren't you?"

"Yes, and it's water under the bridge. How are you, Gina?"

"Not good, but we are taking it one day at a time. Thank you for recommending Doctor Wilkinson. He has helped us tremendously in the past few weeks."

"I know. I was headed down a dark road, and Joe saved my life."

"Ralph told me a little about what happened to you. How are you, Mike?"

"Well, I am much better since I got my new hand." I raise my sleeve to show her. "It still feels weird wearing it, but life is a little easier with it."

Gina asks me, "Does it get easier living with the loss?"

I think about her question and answer honestly. "It doesn't get easier, Gina, but I am learning to accept and to live with it. I hope that one day in the future, I can let go of the memories that still wake me up at night."

Gina looks at me with pain in her eyes. She reaches over to hold Ralph's hand.

"That's how I feel every day. I wake up with an emptiness that takes my breath away. The core of my being feels hollow without my baby. I keep asking myself if the loss of our daughter is my fault. My doctor told me that the umbilical cord was wrapped around my daughter's neck, but I can't live with that. I'm afraid to get pregnant again because if it happens again, I'll die."

"I know the feeling of wanting to die, Gina. I took a handful of pills and waited for my death. I am sitting here today because two people that I love saved my life. It's that simple. I felt that I could not live with my disability. I am a surgeon who can no longer operate. It's not an easy task getting past any type of loss, because the pain is so ingrained in your soul, it could very easily eat you alive. Look to the future, Gina. There are a lot of children who need loving parents. There are children out there in the world who need you as their mother."

"I want so much to be a mother," Gina says with tears in her eyes.

Ralph pulls her close to him, and they cry together. It's heartbreaking watching them grieve for the loss of their baby girl, but tears are cathartic. Letting go of grief is the first step towards healing.

The nurse calls my name. I stand and shake Ralph's hand. "It's good seeing you again. I'm heading out for vacation later today. If the two of you can get away for a day or two, we'd love to see you. You have my number. Text me if you can get away, and I'll give you the address."

Gina sighs. "A few days away is just what we need. Can you give me the address?"

I give Gina the address then bend down to kiss her cheek. I whisper to her, "Don't give up the fight, honey." She looks up at me with tears in her eyes.

"I won't. Thank you, Mike."

oOo

"What you did for Ralph and his wife was very nice, Mike."

"I know you can help them the way you've helped me."

"Thank you, Mike. So, this is your last appointment. How do you feel about flying the coop?"

"It's amazing how good I feel, Joe. I am getting used to my new hand, and life is getting a little easier for me emotionally. Rebecca and the kids calm me in a way that I've never thought possible. I no longer wake up at night, screaming from the dream. I still have them, but...I don't know how to explain it. The dream no longer has any control over me. Does that make sense?"

"It makes perfect sense because you've finally reached the last stage of grief...acceptance. It is written all over your face, Mike. You are not the same person who swallowed a handful of pills. What are your plans now?"

"Well, we are heading down to Ocean City for two weeks. My parents rented a huge house, and Rebecca and the kids are coming with me. I go back to work on September tenth. Which reminds me, I need to stop by my office to give Matt a final date. I've kept up on my patient files, so it should be a somewhat easy transition. I will have a personal assistant for a few weeks while I acclimate to my new hand. I still have a little trouble grasping things, but it's getting a little easier for me to navigate my house."

"You have all of the tools now to live your life. Just remember to take it one day at a time. Acceptance is the key word to remember, and while you may still feel frustrated, life will get easier. I have to say that your hand looks really life-like with the sleeve."

"It does. Sometimes I kind of forget that I am wearing it. I drove here today without the spinning wheel. I hate that fucking thing, and I am beyond happy to shove it in the glove compartment."

Joe stands up and shakes my hand. "Good luck to you, Mike, and if you ever need me, you know where I am."

"I do know where you are Joe, and I can't thank you enough for saving my life. I wouldn't be where I am today without your help, and I will be forever grateful. I also want to thank you for sharing your story with me."

Joe laughs. "That was a first for me. I don't share my personal life with my patients, but you...well, you are different. I am glad that what I've shared with you has helped you."

I shake Joe's hand one last time and leave his office. I take the elevator up a few floors to my office, and when I walk through the door, I see Matt standing in front of the reception desk. I walk up behind him and place my prosthesis on his shoulder. He turns around and gives me a shit-eating grin.

"Let me see it!"

I roll up my sleeve, and he stares at my arm for a few seconds.

"Damn, that looks so real. Having it covered makes it seem like a real hand. How does it feel?"

"I'm getting used to it, but it feels good."

"So, when are you coming back to work?"

"September tenth, and I can't wait to get back to work."

Matt pats my arm and shakes my hand. "Damn, what a relief. It's been nuts around here without you. Oh, before I forget, Carol volunteered to be your assistant for as long as you need her. Her supervisor is more than happy to lend her out to you. Apparently, she likes your snarky ass. I wonder why?"

"I'm not that bad, am I?" Matt looks at me, and I feel like he is looking through me.

"You've changed since...well...you know."

I am not surprised to hear this. "How have I changed?"

"You are more relaxed, and I don't see the constant need to keep moving."

"Will it be a problem when I return to work? I am not the same man, Matt. I need to slow down and enjoy my life. I have Rebecca and the kids in my life now, and I will not work the same crazy hours that I worked before I was shot."

"You are a gifted doctor Mike and no offense, but since you are no longer on the surgical schedule, you will have more time to enjoy your life. I need your diagnostic skills, buddy. So, when are you going to marry this wonderful woman?"

"I...um..."

"Now I know you're not the same person. Mike Jessup is never at a loss for words."

"Kiss my ass!"

Matt laughs. "Is that how you talk to your superior? And by the way, when you get around to proposing, I expect an invitation to the wedding."

"You will not only get an invitation, but you will also be my best man."

Matt pats his chest. "I feel like I want to cry!"

"Kiss my ass," I say again and shake his hand. "See you in two weeks."

"I'll be waiting, honey," Matt shouts back at me as I leave the office. I hear several of the patients and nurses laugh as I open the door. Damn, it feels good to be back in the game again.

There is one last thing that I need to do before I can move on with my life. I once again walk the familiar streets to where my nightmare began. When I approach the door, I freeze for a minute as the memories try to assault me once again, only this time, the fear ebbs and flows. It's not all-consuming, not like it once was. I take a deep, fortifying breath, and open the door.

When I step inside the café, the guy behind the counter immediately recognizes me. It surprises me to see over a dozen people sitting at tables, conversing, and enjoying themselves. We share a knowing glance as I approach him.

"Hey," he says to me. "I am glad to see that you're okay. I tried to get your name, but the cops wouldn't give it to me. How is your arm?"

I've become accustomed to wearing long sleeve shirts, even in the summer, so I roll up my sleeve and show him my prosthesis. He looks at my arm for a few seconds and shakes his head.

"I still have nightmares. I can't shake them and almost sold the shop. The first day that I came back in here after the shooting, I felt like I would have a heart attack. My wife tells me I scream in my sleep."

"What's your name?" I ask him.

"My name is Christian Simmons."

I shake his hand. "My name is Michael Jessup, and I understand how you feel. I still have nightmares. I don't think I'll ever get rid of them, but I am trying to move on with my life."

"A couple of the doctors from the hospital told me you are a surgeon."

"Was. I was a surgeon, but I can still practice medicine. I'm going back to work in two weeks."

"What are you doing here? How can you come back after what happened to you?"

"It's part of my recovery. I have to face the place where my nightmare began. I have to prove to myself that I have the balls to walk in here again and get one of your delicious donuts and a cup of coffee. I have to prove to myself that what those bastards did to me will not cripple me for the remainder of my life."

Christian grabs a few donuts and a carafe of coffee and walks over to one of the tables. I follow him. Once seated, I take my first sip of his delicious coffee, and I relax a little. I adjust the grip on my hand, and I am beyond fucking happy when I grasp the paper cup and don't crush it in my hand.

"I can finally hold something without breaking it. I can't tell you how good it feels holding something in both hands," I say as I take a huge bite of my donut.

"How is it for you?" I ask him with a mouthful of food. "Has business slacked since the shooting?"

He shakes his head in disbelief. "No, it's the opposite. The residents and people working in the hospital have been incredibly supportive. This is a tight-knit community, and I appreciate their loyalty because what happened could have bankrupted me."

As I sit talking to Christian, I see Lauren and Bruce come in the door, and they are holding hands. Bruce sees me, and his face turns beet red. I raise the arm, holding my coffee up to him, and he practically shoves Lauren out of the shop. Christian watches the interaction and is confused.

"Ex-girlfriend who cheated on me. Nothing to be concerned about. I've moved on, and I am thrilled at the moment."

"You've met someone else?"

I smile. "Yes, I have, and Rebecca is the most beautiful woman that I've ever seen, inside and out. She has two small children, and I have become very attached to them."

"I am happy for you."

"Thanks, Christian. It feels so damn good feeling normal again."

We sit for several minutes as I devour three donuts and four cups of coffee. We shake hands, and I leave this place feeling so much better about life in general. The crushing weight that has been sitting on my chest has finally gone away. When I step outside the door, Bruce and Lauren are waiting for me.

"What do you want?" I growl at them.

"You don't have to be a prick," Bruce says to me.

I laugh. I throw my head back and laugh at the absurdity of the situation. I get dumped, and yet, I am the prick. "I am going to ask you again, what do you want?"

Bruce folds his arms defensively across his chest. I feel the muscle in my arm tense, and when I touch one of the buttons on the side of my arm, the fingers in my hand ball up into a fist. He looks down at my clenched hand and takes a step back from me.

"I want to explain what happened between myself and Bruce," Lauren says to me.

"Whatever you say to me doesn't change the fact that you fucked him while you slept in my bed. What more could you possibly say that would justify the betrayal?"

I focus on Lauren. "I would have had more respect for you, Lauren if you came to me and told me how you felt. Instead, you lied, you deceived, and you betrayed the one thing that meant something to me. You betrayed the love that I felt for you. I have nothing more to say to either of you, so please get out of my way. I am taking my girlfriend and her children on vacation today, and they are waiting for me."

"You have a girlfriend?" Lauren asks me.

"Yes, I do. Why does that surprise you? Did you assume that I would be alone for the remainder of my life because I've lost my hand? Unlike you, there are loving, kind women out in the world, and I am fortunate to have met someone that I care about very much. She knows the meaning of honesty, trust, and loyalty. I have to know Lauren if you were so unhappy with me, why drag this out? Why didn't you tell me how you felt? Didn't you think I would have tried to fix whatever problem you had with me? Was it me, or did you just want out of the relationship?"

"I...um...I realized soon after you bought the house that it wasn't what I wanted. I felt guilty because I didn't know how to tell you that I didn't want to live with you. I hardly saw you during the week, and I was trying to find a way to end our relationship. I am sorry that I did not have the courage to tell you sooner, but I was going to tell you the day you were shot. I felt that was the right time to make a clean break. I am sorry if I hurt you."

"Hurt me? You did more than hurt me! I needed you, Lauren. I was in a horrible place after the shooting. Imagine my surprise when my mother told me that you left me high and dry. I'm lying in a hospital bed, in agonizing pain, and you just up and leave me without a word. You're a coward, Lauren." Before I give her a chance to say anything, I turn my back and walk away.
Chapter 17

When I arrive home, I see Rebecca sitting on my step, and she doesn't look happy. Concerned, I sit next to her and ask, "What's wrong?"

"I'm afraid we can't go with you because the kids are afraid to drive on the highway. I've purposely kept them off the highway, and they are frightened. I don't know how to help my babies. The longer this fear goes on, it will be difficult for them to function. They are afraid we will have another accident. I've tried to explain that it won't happen again, but how can I lie to them? Nothing is guaranteed in life, and I know what happened to Ben was an accident, but my kids don't know that. All they know is fear, and it is genuine for them."

I understand fear all too well. "Do you want me to talk to the kids?"

"I don't know if they will listen to you. At the moment, the kids are hiding in Billy's bedroom with the door locked."

"Let me talk to them," I say as I stand. I reach out for Rebecca's hand, and together, we walk back to her house. Upon entering, I see Clara standing at the bottom of the steps.

She looks at Rebecca and shakes her head.

"They haven't stopped crying since you left the house. Poor babies. No child should have this amount of fear. Breaks my heart."

As Rebecca and I climb the stairs, I feel sweat trickle down my back. My anxiety ramps up a bit when I hear Susan crying. Once I reach Billy's bedroom, I knock on the door to get their attention.

"Hey, Billy, why don't you unlock the door? Can we talk for a few minutes?"

"What do you want to talk about?" Billy shouts through the door. "I am not getting in the car, and neither is Susan."

"I know, and I would never force the two of you to do something that you don't want to do. I only want to talk to you. Can you please open the door?"

I wait patiently, and then I hear something scrape against the floor. Billy jacked a chair under the doorknob. I look at the chair, then to him. "Very creative, Billy," I say as I walk over towards the bed. Susan has her head hidden under a pillow, and when I look over to Rebecca, the amount of sadness in her eyes upsets me.

I ask Billy, "Your mom told me that the two of you don't want to go on vacation with me. Can I ask why?"

"Because we are afraid to drive on the road. Dad got killed on the road. What if it happens again? I don't want to get hurt again."

"What happened to your dad was terrible, and I am so sorry that you and Susan are still afraid to be in a car on the highway. I understand your fear, Billy, because I was terrified today. Can I tell you what happened to me today?"

Billy nods his head, yes. Susan still has her head under the pillow, but at least she has stopped whimpering. I look over at Rebecca and tell them my story.

"So you see Billy, I have the same fear. I had no idea when I opened that door what I would see on the other side. I was so scared that it would happen again, but as soon as I stepped inside, and I saw that everything was okay, some of the fear left me. I think I will always be slightly afraid, but that's normal considering what happened to me. It's the same for you and Susan. You have to face your fear before you can see that it will no longer hurt you. Do bad things happen? Yes, they do, but all of us need to live our lives and be happy. We can't do that if we are afraid to leave the house."

"Do you want to go to college when you grow up?" Billy nods his head, yes. "You need a car for college. How can you go to college if you are afraid of the highway? It's the same for Susan. I don't want to see the two of you live your life scared all of the time. So, how about we make a deal. You come with me, and we will go down to Ocean City. We'll walk on the beach, eat lots of food, and build sand castles. Your mom will drive my car, and I will sit in the back seat between you and your sister. We'll watch a silly movie, and I'll even stop at the Pretzel Factory to get pretzels and soda. We can't watch a movie without pretzels and soda, can we?"

Now I see Susan's head peek out from under the pillow.

"You'll sit in the back seat with us the whole way?"

"Yes, I will. I'll also sit in the back seat on the way home."

"And you'll protect mommy and us?"

I answer from the heart. "I will always protect you, Billy, and your mom."

"Okay, but I'm still scared."

"We'll make it fun. I promise sweetheart. Do you have your clothes packed and ready to go?"

"Yeah. Mommy made us pack last night."

"That's good. I'll call my mom and dad, and as soon as they get here, we can leave."

"Don't forget the pretzels."

I call my parents as I walk back to my house and explain the situation to them. My mother sighs into the phone.

"Oh, those poor babies. We'll make it fun for them."

"I knew I could count on you, Mom. We have to make this vacation relaxing for the kids. They've had enough stress in their young lives."

"You love them, don't you?"

"More than I can say, Mom."

"Are you happy, Mike?"

"I never imagined I would feel this good eight months ago. My life has changed so much I can hardly believe it's my life. I still have challenges but knowing that I have Rebecca and the kids in my life make those challenges bearable."

"Do you remember what I said to you when you came home from the hospital? This is what I was talking about. Live your life and enjoy every day of it, Mike. You only get one chance at life. Make the best of each day."

"That's what I want, Mom."

I tell her about my confrontation with Lauren and Bruce. My mother is righteously pissed off, and all I can do is laugh.

"Why are you laughing? This isn't funny. They have a lot of nerve approaching you."

"Mom calm down. They can do whatever the hell they want. She is out of my life, and frankly, Bruce can have her. If she cheated on me, she might do the same thing to him. What bothers me is the fact that she felt she couldn't talk to me. Was I really that self-absorbed? You can tell me the truth."

"Well, you were always distracted by something work-related. It was difficult at times, getting your attention."

I think back to my conversation with Rebecca, and I vow never to be that way again. "Rebecca said the same thing to me a few months ago. She's been my neighbor for over a year, and I never noticed her before the day I came home from the hospital. I guess I also had a few character flaws that I never noticed until now."

"As long as you see them now, you can work on it."

I laugh at my mother. "Is this your way of telling me to get my head out of my ass?"

"In a nice way...yes, son."

Changing the subject, I ask my mom, "What time are you leaving the house?"

"Your father is packing the car now."

"Can you stop at the Pretzel Factory and pick up a dozen pretzels and eight bottles of ginger ale? I promised the kids a snack for the trip. I have to keep them occupied until we reach the house. It's the only way I can get them into the car."

"Sure. We'll pick up everything and be at your house within the hour."

"Thanks, Mom. Love you."

"Love you too, Mike. So very much."

oOo

My parents arrive at my house shortly after two, and after much hand-holding, the kids are in the car. I am seated between them, and Rebecca is driving. I make sure Susan is in her booster seat, and Billy's seat belt is buckled and secure before we leave the driveway. I can see that they are nervous, so I grab the CD case and pick out a movie. Susan wants Toy Story, and Billy wants to watch Trolls. We settled on The Jungle Book. I loved this movie when I was a kid. I hand them a pretzel and a bottle of soda, then sit back and watch the movie.

"I remember seeing this movie on Christmas morning with my dad," I tell Billy. "I think I was around your age the first time I saw this movie."

"Our dad took us to the movies every Friday. We've only been to the movies one time since he died."

The sadness in Billy's voice touches me deeply.

"Would you like to go to the movies with me on our vacation?"

Susan looks sad but nods her head yes. Billy stares out the window, and he's not answering me. I put my arm around his shoulder, and when Billy turns his head to look at me, there are tears in his eyes. I pull him closer to me, and he rests his head on my shoulder. I see Rebecca looking at me in the rearview mirror. Our eyes meet, and a silent understanding passes between us.

"It's okay to be sad kiddo. You have special memories with your dad. It's understandable that you would feel sad doing something that you enjoyed with him."

"I don't want to feel sad, but I can't stop how I feel."

"I still miss my grandfather. I still think about all of the fun that we had when I was a little boy. You will always have good memories of your dad, and it's okay to feel happy again. You feel guilty, don't you?"

"Yeah. I feel like if I am happy, that means I don't miss my dad."

I turn my head and ask Susan, "Do you feel funny when you feel happy?"

She nods her head, yes. "I don't want to be happy without Daddy."

I turn to Billy. "What do you think your dad would say to you if he heard what you've just told me?"

Billy thinks about this for a moment. "I guess he would be sad because I'm still a kid, and kids are supposed to have fun."

"I think your dad would tell you that he wants you and Susan to have a happy life. He would want you to laugh, to have fun, to be good in school, and when you are grown up, to get married and have children of your own. It's hard living life when you are always sad. I was sad about my arm, and it made me a little sick. I don't want to feel sick. I want to get up each day and have a good day. The two of you can do the same thing. Get up in the morning and try to have the best day that you can. Be happy kiddo. It's okay to laugh and have fun. Your dad would want that for you, for Susan, and your mom."

Billy asks me. "So, if I want to go to the movies with you, I can have fun and not be sad?"

"Yes, you can have a good time and not be sad, and at the end of the day before you go to sleep, you can tell your dad about all of the fun you had that day."

"I talk to my dad a lot. Do you think he hears me?"

"How do you feel when you talk to your dad?"

"It makes me feel good like he's still here with us."

"That's all that matters, Billy."

"Thanks, Mike. I love you."

"Love you, too, kiddo."
Chapter 18

My mind is a whirlwind of emotions as we drive the familiar route to Ocean City. Traffic is light, which goes a long way in keeping the kids calm.

"How is everyone back there?" I hear Rebecca ask us.

"We're having fun watching the movie and eating our pretzels," I say to her.

No sooner had the words passed my lips when I feel the car jerk violently to the right, and I slide into Billy. Susan is screaming, and Billy's face turns deathly pale.

"What's happened, Rebecca?" I yell at her.

"A few paint cans fell off of the truck in front of me, and I swerved to avoid the paint cans hitting the car. Everything is okay now."

But it's not okay judging by the way the kids react. Susan is hyperventilating, and I can see that any minute she is going to be sick. "Get off at the next exit," I ask Rebecca. I grab the bag of soda off the floor and dump the bottles onto the seat. I made it just in time to place the bag in front of Susan when she becomes sick. Billy looks like he is next. Rebecca keeps the car steady, and within a few minutes, we exit the highway, which is thankfully, a rest stop. As soon as the vehicle stops, Billy opens the door and vomits. Rebecca runs around to his side of the car while I take care of Susan. Several minutes later, my parents pull up next to us.

I unbuckle Susan's seat belt, and my father lifts her out of the car. Mom is on the other side with Rebecca. Once everyone is out of the car, Rebecca lifts Susan into her arms, and I walk with Billy to the restroom. Once inside, Billy breaks down, crying and wraps his arms around me. He is shaking, and it breaks my heart, but I just hold him close to me and let him cry. I don't know how long we stand in the men's room. Several men come and go and look at us with compassion.

"Do you still feel sick, kiddo?"

"Yeah. Can we stay here for a little while until my stomach feels better? I don't want to get back into the car."

"Do you want to go home? We don't have to go to Ocean City. We can still have fun at home."

"But I want to see the ocean and go to the movies. Do we have to go home?"

"No, we don't, but you will have to get back into the car."

"I was scared when the car swerved. That's what happened before the accident."

"Your mom did a good job avoiding the paint cans. I'm sorry that she scared you. It would have been worse if the paint can hit the windshield. Your mom would be so mad if she got ugly paint on my car."

"Yeah. That would be bad."

Billy holds me tighter, and I can feel him relaxing in my arms. I run my hand up and down his back in soothing circles.

"Do you still feel sick buddy? Do you want a few crackers and some ginger ale?"

"Yeah. Mom makes me eat crackers when I feel sick."

"Okay. Let's go find everyone."

"Sorry I got sick, Mike. I didn't mean to get sick."

"It's okay, Billy. Never apologize for how you feel."

"You're not mad?"

"No. How could I be mad at my best buddy?"

"I'm glad you are my buddy, too, Mike."

We find Rebecca, Susan, and my parents sitting at one of the picnic tables outside the convenience store. When Susan sees me, she lifts her arms asking me to pick her up. I don't stop to think about anything other than holding this sweet child in my arms. I feel a slight twinge of pain, but when her arms go around my neck, and she rests her head on my shoulder, the pain leaves me. My only thought at the moment is to comfort Susan.

"Do you feel better sweetheart?"

"My belly hurts."

"I bet you were a little scared when the car swerved."

"Yeah. I was scared. Mommy told me paint cans fell on the road."

"They did. Can you imagine how ugly my car would look with paint splashed all over it?"

"You would get mad."

"I would. It's a good thing Mommy was driving the car. She is an excellent driver. Do you want to go home? We can have fun at home."

"Does Billy want to go home?"

"No. Billy wants to see the ocean. Do you want to see the ocean?"

"Yeah. I want to play in the sand and make castles."

"Why don't we sit here for a while until you and Billy feel a little better. Do you want a few crackers and ginger ale to help your tummy feel better?"

"Yeah. Mommy always has crackers when my tummy hurts."

"Do you want to come into the store with me?"

"Okay."

I carry Susan into the store and ignore the pain shooting up my arm. Once we are in the store, Susan asks me to let her walk, so I put her down. I purchase all of the necessary tummy easing items along with a few bags of gummy bears and a box of large freezer bags. They make excellent barf bags. Hopefully, the kids will settle down once we get back in the car.

When we return to the table, I bend down and whisper in my dad's ear, "Keep the kids occupied. I need a few minutes alone with Rebecca."

I take her hand in mine and walk around to the side of the building, and when we are somewhat alone, I lean against the wall, and she falls into me sobbing.

"I can't take it, Mike. I can't bear seeing my babies destroyed by their father's death. I don't know what else to do. It's been two years, and they are still terrified of riding in the car. What can I do to help them? I'm scared. I've never been this scared in my life."

Her body shakes against mine, and I pull her closer to me, hoping that my embrace will bring her comfort. It doesn't, and that upsets me. I want Rebecca to come to me, to lean on me for support, but instead, she internalizes the pain. I remember what Joe told me in one of our sessions.

"The kids need the exposure to what upsets them. Their little minds are also going through the stages of grief. It's different with children but just as important that they realize life goes on, and they need to adjust. What we did today is a good beginning, but I think it's time to ask the difficult questions. Maybe if they talk more about how they feel, some of the fear may leave them. Have you tried talking to them?"

Rebecca looks up at me with a shocked expression on her beautiful face.

"I...I guess not. I avoided anything that would make them upset. It's bad enough that the kids lost their father. Making them talk about it seemed cruel to me."

"It may be cruel, but it's a necessary step in the healing process. Once we get settled, let's take an afternoon and really talk about Ben's death. I'll be with you every step of the way."

"Oh, Mike, I love you so much. Here you are, dealing with your own issues, and yet you take on mine also. You are so strong for the kids and me, and I'm so glad that I have you in my life."

I laugh at her assessment because it's not true. I finally understand what makes my parent's marriage so stable. I finally get to experience unconditional love, and it feels damn good.

"I'm not that strong honey, but after the past few months, I've realized that talking through your problems is the best solution to getting past them. Susan and Billy need to talk about Ben. They need to express how they feel in the simplest of terms. I wouldn't be surprised if they keep their feelings hidden because they don't want to upset you."

"Oh, God, please don't let that be true. It would devastate me knowing my babies kept how they felt from me for fear of upsetting me. Okay, let's talk to them tonight. I want the kids to enjoy this vacation."

"Just remember that it's okay to cry. You've been strong for the kids. Maybe you need to cry with them."

"Yeah," Rebecca sighs. "Maybe it's time we all had a good cry."

"I love you, sweetheart, and we will get through this together."

"Can I say that moving next door to you was the best decision I've made in a really long time."

"I thought about selling my house after Lauren left me, but I couldn't do it because that would mean that I wouldn't see my best buddy and his sexy mommy every day. I like looking out my kitchen window and seeing you move around in yours. Having all of you so near to me gave me the strength to get my act together. I feel like myself for the first time in a very long time. I want to make love to you, Rebecca. Now is the time for us to take the next step in our relationship."

"I want that too, Mike. More than you know. How do you think Helen and Ronald will feel about babysitting the kids, so we can have time to ourselves?"

"My parents already consider themselves grandparents. I believe that they know more than they let on about how I feel about you. Being an only child is not easy. I know my parents want me to get married and have kids. As far as I am concerned, I'm halfway there already."

"You are?" Rebecca whispers as she smiles up at me.

Seeing a smile on her face is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. "I thought I loved Lauren, but it pales in comparison to the love that I feel for you and the kids. It amazes me how vital all of you have become to me in such a short period of time. I always thought that love at first sight, was a marketing ploy to sell more flowers and greeting cards, but it's true. I felt it so deeply that at first, I couldn't understand how I felt. My personal turmoil got in the way of my feelings, but now that I have come to accept my new reality, my love for you flows freely from me. It's a very liberating feeling and one that I intend to cherish for the remainder of my life."

"Wow. Tell me how you really feel!"

"I just told you," I laugh and hold her close to me.

"How did I get so lucky?" Rebecca whispers to me. "A few months ago I was despondent, and now I feel like anything is possible. I love you, Mike. I know Ben would be happy that I've found love again."

"Life is for the living sweetheart. It took a while for that to sink into my head. All I want now is for us to have a happy life. I want the kids to be kids again, and most importantly, I want to love you without reservation, and without a doubt. I don't want my injury to derail the rest of my life."

"It won't if you focus on the future. When Ben died, I wanted to hide from the world. I understand how you feel Mike, and as long as we are open and honest with each other, nothing is impossible."

We sit for an hour while the kids settle and eat their crackers. My father tells several funny stories about how I used to get sick in the car.

"The worse was when we took Mike to Willow Grove Park. He always got sick in the car, but this day was just...ugh. I still have nightmares." He shakes himself for dramatic effect. All I can do is roll my eyes as I listen to this story for the hundredth time.

"The drive to the park was okay, and after we ate lunch, we headed home. Mike started to complain that his stomach hurt and before I had a chance to pull off the highway, he got sick in the back of the car. He was crying and holding his stomach the entire drive home, and I felt so bad for him because I knew he was really sick. Ever since that day, I always had plastic bags in the back seat."

Susan laughs and points to me. "You got sick, just like me. It's icky getting sick."

I tickle her side, and she laughs. "See, you are not the first kid to get sick in a car. How do you feel now, sweetheart?"

"I feel better."

I look at Billy. "And how do you feel?"

"I'm okay. Can we leave now?"

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah. I'm sure."

After everyone is back in the car, Billy presses himself against my body. His arm goes around my prosthesis, and with my other hand, I reach over and hold Susan's hand. We stay like this until we arrive at the house.

oOo

My father never told us he rented a three-story mansion, but that's what the house looks like. The house has a screened in wrap-around porch, and the front steps have a pathway that leads directly to the beach. Billy and Susan stand in the sand for several minutes staring at the house.

"Wow," Billy says with awe in his voice. "We get to stay here for two weeks?"

I turn to my father and ask, "How did you find this house?"

My father gives me one of his crooked, sneaky smiles. "Your mother and I bought it last year at a sheriff sale."

"You...you bought it? I'm afraid to ask how much you paid for it."

"Do you really want to know?"

"Well, ...yeah."

"We paid the taxes and penalties, which totaled ninety-five thousand dollars."

"You paid ninety-five thousand for a house worth at least half a million dollars?"

"No. We paid ninety-five thousand dollars for a house worth one point three million dollars, and once you sign the new deed, you will own thirty-three percent."

"WHAT?" I yell at him.

"You heard me. This house is a huge investment, and we want you to be on the deed with us. It makes sense, Mike."

"I...I'm speechless!"

My mother laughs. "That's a first for you son. Let's get in the house. It's hot, and I need a cold drink."

When we walk through the front door, my jaw drops at the stunning beauty of this house. There are two sets of staircases, one on the left, and one on the right. When I look up, they branch out in two different directions on the second floor. In between the unique staircases is a round marble table with a stunning flower arrangement, and beyond that is a sliding door that leads us to the back of the house. I have never seen architecture so sophisticated and detailed. This house must have been custom built.

"How many bedrooms?"

"There are four bedrooms, four full bathrooms, and two half on the first floor. We also have a pool in the back of the house, as well as a glass covered sunroom."

Susan is running back and forth and in and out of the rooms on the first floor. Rebecca's jaw bounced off the floor several times as she takes in the décor. Billy found the entertainment room and is excited to see the sixty-inch television.

"How did you furnish this place without me knowing about it?"

"I anticipated paying more than ninety-five thousand, and once the deed was in our name, we got a home equity line of credit. We ordered most of the furniture online, and Aunt Betty drove down to accept delivery."

"You did all of this and still came to see me every day while I recovered? The two of you must be exhausted."

"Yes. It wasn't easy, Mike, but the adrenaline kept us going. Your Aunt and Uncle also helped us when we couldn't leave you. Aunt Betty did most of the decorating. We would have been overwhelmed without their help."

"It looks really nice, Dad. I can't believe you want my name on the deed."

"It makes sense, Mike. Look at the kids. They already love the house. I am so relieved to see you on the road to recovery. You look happy, Mike."

"I am happy, Dad, and it feels damn good."

Rebecca runs around chasing Susan, Billy is channel surfing, and here I am, standing in the foyer gawking like an idiot. It suddenly dawns on me that this is the place where Rebecca and the kids will heal from Ben's death, and I will be with them every step of the way.

After we unpack and have the kids settled, my mom and dad go to the food market. This is the perfect opportunity for us to talk to the kids. We walk with them down the ramp that leads to the beach, and when I look out at the waves as they gently wash up along the shore, I feel so content, so at peace with my life. I want that for Billy and Susan. This section of the beach is unoccupied, which gives us the privacy that we need. I help Billy sit down because it's difficult for him bending his leg. Rebecca sits next to me with Susan resting between her legs, and she is running her hands through the sand.

I ask the kids, "How are you guys feeling now that we are here?"

"I like it," Susan says. "My room is pretty."

"I like it too," Billy says. "They have cool games, and the TV is huge."

I let Rebecca take the lead.

"I...um...I want to talk to you about what happened in the car. I know we haven't talked much about the accident, but I feel that it's time for us to talk about it. Billy, how did you feel when the car swerved?"

Billy doesn't answer at first, and when I look over at him, there are tears in his eyes. I get up and sit behind him. He leans back against me, and he is shaking again. When I put my right arm around him, he grabs onto my arm for support.

"I felt scared that the car would flip again. It happened really fast. I thought I was going to die. Susan was crying, and then I felt something stab my leg. Then, I kept screaming for Dad to wake up, but he wouldn't. There were a lot of men trying to get us out of the car. Dad had a lot of blood on his face. My leg hurt so bad, and they were afraid to help me because I had a piece of metal in my leg."

"Dad opened his eyes for a minute, and he was looking at me. Then he closed them again, and I knew...I knew he went to heaven. I miss him so much, Mom. Why did this have to happen? It's my fault. I wanted to get pizza. If we didn't get pizza, Dad would still be here. It's my fault. It's my fault."

Billy sags into me, and he finally let's go of the pain. He turns around and buries himself against my chest. Susan does the same thing with Rebecca, and all of us are crying. Billy watched his father die that day. He blames himself for the accident. How will he ever get past that memory? I look over at Rebecca, and the devastation that I see in her eyes stops my beating heart. Her face is ravaged with sadness. I run a soothing hand up and down his back, but it does nothing to stop his crying. Rebecca does the same for Susan. What the hell do I say to them? How can I ease their pain? Is it even possible to alleviate their suffering? I tilt Billy's face up to look at me and wipe away the tears that stain his young, innocent face.

"Look at me, Billy. I want to say something to you, okay?" Then I look over at Rebecca and Susan. "Susan, come over here and sit next to me." She crawls across the sand and sits next to me. I lift my left arm, and with a few adjustments, I manage to adjust the grip on my hand so that it rests on Susan's shoulders.

"When I first got hurt, all I could think about was that it was my fault. I wanted a cup of coffee and a donut. Why didn't I just go home? Why did I decide to go there at that time of the day? Why wasn't I looking up instead of looking at my phone when I opened the door? I blamed myself for everything, and I got very sick. Is that how the two of you feel? Do you feel sick when you think about it?"

"Yeah," Susan says softly. "Billy always yells at me. He calls me a baby all the time. I'm not a baby. I'm six years old."

"I was trying to play my game, and she kept talking to me, and when I wouldn't answer her, she started to cry. It made me mad when Dad told me to be nice to her. I didn't want to and yelled at her again. That's when the car got hit."

"Why didn't you tell me all of this before today, honey?" Rebecca asks Billy.

"Because...because...I didn't want you to hate me for causing the accident!"

I hold Billy against me as he cries once again. Rebecca moves closer to me and wraps her arms around Susan.

"Oh, Billy, my beautiful boy. None of this is your fault or Susan's fault. It was a terrible accident, and I blame no one other than the man driving the truck. Is this why you are afraid to get into the car? Are you worried about having another argument with your sister?"

"Yeah. I don't want to cause another accident. I don't like getting in the car with her."

"Is this how you also feel, sweetheart?" Rebecca asks Susan.

"Yeah. I'm scared because Billy always yells at me in the car."

Billy continues. "When the car swerved, we were laughing and making noise. I thought...I thought if we were quiet, that wouldn't have happened."

oOo

We hold the kids for a long time as they cry. This is the first step in the healing process. Admitting what makes you afraid is the first step. Getting past the guilt will take some time.

I ask Billy. "Do you feel better now that you talked about how you feel?"

"Yeah, I feel a little better."

"Do you feel a little better, Susan?" she nods her head yes.

I lift up my pinky finger. "Let's pinky swear. If you feel sad or want to talk about something, do not hold it in. Talk to your mom or talk to me. Okay?" I wait for them to link fingers with mine. "And the most important thing to remember is that none of this is your fault."

"Are you sure?" Billy asks me in a timid voice.

"I am absolutely sure. I am a doctor, and we don't tell lies, do we? Do you remember how sad I was when we met in rehab?" Billy nods his head, yes.

"You helped me so much that day. I was terrified about the future, and when I met you, all I could think about was what a great kid you were. You helped me that day, and you continue to help me every day."

"How do I help you?"

"You make me realize that while what happened to me is bad, it's not terrible, and I can have a normal life. That's what you do, Billy. You get up every day and put one foot in front of the other. I want to say something to you, and I want you to listen to me. You are a big brother. Susan looks up to you as her big brother. It's okay to have disagreements, but at the end of the day, she is still your sister, and nothing will change that."

"I never had a sister or brother, and it's lonely growing up not having that connection. You need to take care of each other, and love each other, and if you disagree, it's okay. That's what brothers and sisters do all of the time. They argue, disagree, make each other laugh, and annoy each other. It's all a part of growing up, so if you feel like your sister annoys you, well...that's her job as your sister."

"I just want him to stop yelling at me," Susan says defiantly. "It hurts my feelings when I get yelled at."

Rebecca runs her hand over Susan's head, brushing the hair from her eyes. "Do you feel better baby?"

"Yeah. I'm hungry."

"Me too," Billy says timidly.

"While we wait for my mom and dad to get back from the market, do you want to take a walk on the beach?"

"I'm not sure I can do that with my leg."

I stand up and help Billy to regain his footing. Rebecca lifts Susan into her arms. "Wrap your arm around me, and I'll keep you steady."

When his arm goes around my waist, I hold on tight as we take our first tentative steps onto the sand. His gait is slow, and so is mine, but that's okay. Baby steps are a good start. Along the way, he picks up several seashells and stuffs them into his pockets and mine.

"The next time we take a walk, I'll bring a few bags with us."

"Can I come with you?" Susan asks. "I want to pick up the shells too."

"All of us will go for a walk, and I'll make sure we have enough bags for a ton of seashells."
Chapter 19

We are sitting on the porch when my parents return with the groceries. My father takes one look at my face and knows something is wrong. His eyes dart back and forth between Rebecca and me. My mother, sensing the same thing, asks the kids to help her unpack the bags. Once everyone is in the house, I slide over on the glider and wrap my arm around Rebecca. So much crying, so much pain. When will it end for her and the kids?

"How did I not see this, Mike?"

"Think back to what you were dealing with at the time. It takes a lot of strength to get through the past two years, honey. Don't beat yourself up because, at the end of the day, your kids are safe and well."

"It's my job to take care of them, and I dropped the ball. Billy has thought for the past two years that he caused the accident! What does that say about me as his mother?"

"It tells me you helped your son recover from the worst injury he could ever have in his young life. You got him through rehab. You moved to a new house. You went to work every day. You juggled so many things all at the same time, and I am sure along the way; you talked to the kids about what happened. I'm sure of it. None of that matters now. What is important is that we help the kids now. Today and every day going forward is what is important. You can't change the past, but you can influence the future."

"I am so tired of crying, Mike. I've had enough of being unhappy. I just want a little peace in my life. I want my kids to be happy. Is this too much to ask for?"

"No, honey. It's not too much to ask for, and now that we know what's in their little minds, the two of us can help the kids live with their loss. Ben will always be their father, and you will always have a place in your heart for him."

Rebecca snuggles against me. "There is also plenty of room in my heart for you, Mike. I love you so much. I never thought I would feel this way again."

"I was just thinking the other day about my relationship with Lauren. I thought I loved her, but after falling in love with you, I've realized that what I felt for her was not the kind of love that lasts a lifetime. It's not the special kind of love that I feel for you and the kids. I'm glad she left me."

"Me too."

I lower my head and gently brush my lips against hers. I feel myself sinking into the kiss as our tongues dance around each other, exploring each other. I whisper to her, "I want you in my bed tonight. No more waiting, baby. I need you."

"I need you too," she whispers to me, and as I take a second taste of heaven, the screen door opens, and Billy yells out, "Come on Mom; dinner is ready."

Rebecca and I look at each other and laugh.

oOo

Dinner is relaxing and noisy, considering the conversation we had a few hours ago. Billy says, "Grandpa Ronald is going to take me to the boardwalk tomorrow, and we can ride the ferris wheel and the roller coaster. I can't wait!"

My mother chimes in. "Susan and I are going to have a girl's day out. We'll go shopping for cute dresses and new shoes."

Susan claps her hands. "I like Grandma Helen."

Everyone laughs and then Billy yawns. "Okay, kiddo. Time for you to hit the sack."

"Aw, do I have to?"

Rebecca says, "If you want to go to the boardwalk, you need to take your shower tonight and get a good night's sleep."

"Can Mike help me take a shower? The tub is too big for me to get in without my leg."

"Sure, I can help you. Let's go upstairs now and get the stink off of you."

"I don't stink," Billy says defensively.

"Yes, you do. I can see the stink rising from your body."

"You can't see stink, Mike. You're making it up."

"I am not. Oh, look over there. Something just jumped off your body and ran into the kitchen."

"Did not," Billy says.

"Did too," I respond.

"You're weird," Billy retorts as he slowly climbs the stairs.

"I know. Humor me!"

"What does humor me mean?"

"It means I'm weird, but you still like me."

"Oh, okay, but you're still weird."

"Yeah, Yeah. What else is new?"

I follow Billy upstairs, and as I watch him slowly climb the stairs, my love for him swells my heart. Such a brave little man. Once we are in the bathroom, I pull back the curtain and see a shower chair in the tub.

"Grandma Helen bought it for me today. Mom forgot to put my chair in the car."

I watch Billy as he sits on the toilet lid and undresses. He's right about the tub. It's one of those claw foot tubs, and it's really high up off the floor. I watch as he bends over and takes off his leg and stump cover. I've never seen his leg without the prosthesis, and I fight the urge to cry. I blink a few times to clear my vision. I help Billy to stand and slide down his underwear. With his arm wrapped around me, I help him to sit on the edge of the tub, then help him onto the chair. Once he is seated, I lift his leg into the bathtub.

"I don't have problems with the tub at home because it's not big like this one. I can get in and out without Mom helping me because I have another chair on the side of the tub to sit on when I get out. I only have one chair here. Can you help me every night?"

"Hey, that's what best buddy's do for each other."

"I like having a best buddy."

"Me too kiddo, me too. Let's get your butt washed and into bed. Do you need help with anything?"

"Yeah. I don't have my back washer. Can you do it for me?"

Billy hands me a soapy washcloth, and I quickly wash his back. I see the bathroom door open slightly, and I shake my head no. The door closes silently.

"That was Mom opening the door, wasn't it?"

"Probably."

"She does that a lot at home, and she doesn't think I can see her."

"Your mom just wants to make sure you are okay."

"I know. But a guy's gotta have some privacy."

I bark out a laugh as I remember my own awkward bathroom moment. "We sure do, kiddo. My dad had to help me when I first came home from the hospital, and I felt weird about it. Some things a guy needs to do on his own."

"Yeah. I'm not a baby, and I don't want Mom seeing me naked."

"I felt the same way about my dad. Guys gotta have some privacy."

Thirty minutes later, Billy is tucked into bed. He doesn't wear his prosthesis at night, so I lean it against the table by the bed. He reaches down and rubs his stump.

"Does your leg hurt?" I ask him.

"It hurts a little when my leg gets hot and sweaty like today."

"I have something that might help you."

I walk to my room and grab the jar of cream. When I return to his bedroom, I rub a good amount onto his stump. The relief is immediate.

Billy sighs. "Wow, that feels really good, but it smells like monkey poop."

"It's made with mutton tallow."

"What's mutton tallow?" Billy asks me.

"It's...um...sheep fat."

Billy screams, "Ew, and you are putting that on my leg? It's gross!"

"I know, but it works really well and keeps the rash from spreading. You can have this jar. I have another one in my room." I bend down to kiss his forehead. "Get some sleep. You have a busy day tomorrow."

"Grandpa Ronald is going to rent me a chair so I can see everything, and I don't have to walk too much. I like your mom and dad."

"I like them too. Go to sleep, buddy."

"Thanks for helping me, Mike."

"You're welcome, Billy."

I tuck the sheet around him, turn off the light, and leave the room. I make a quick stop to the bathroom to wash the cream off of my hand. I've learned how to hold the rag in my left hand, and washing up is getting more comfortable for me.

When I return to my room, Rebecca is lying on my bed, with her blond hair fanned out on the pillow. She looks like a goddess to me with her silky pink robe swirling around her body. I walk over to the bed, sit down, and devour her mouth. Months of pent-up sexual desire explodes from me. I want her...desperately. I lay next to Rebecca and pull her body into mine.

"Are you up for this tonight?" Rebecca whispers to me.

"I'm up, baby," I say as I pull her closer to me. "Can't you feel it?"

"Oh yeah. I feel it. Are you nervous?"

"Yeah, I am nervous. You are going to have to help me, honey."

I watch as her hands reach down to unbuckle my belt and unzip me. My cock breaks free of the confines of my cargo shorts, and I sigh in relief. The quick burst of need that hit me rocks me to my core, and I realize that I want Rebecca more than I've ever wanted anyone in my life. My lips meet hers, and as she grabs a handful of my hair and pulls me closer to her, I dive deeper into the kiss. I trust her completely, and that thought has me relaxing as our tongues swirl, taste, and explore.

Rebecca breaks the kiss and says, "Sit on the edge of the bed."

I slide over to the side of the bed, and she kneels in front of me. I remember what Joe told me about his wife, and I smile inwardly.

"Lift your hips. Let me take off your shorts."

The move is awkward, but again, she helps me, which goes a long way toward easing my anxiety. The last thing I need is to lose my erection. Once I am naked below the waist, Rebecca opens her robe. Jesus, she's naked underneath it, and my heart stops beating. My gaze lifts to hers, and I feel the connection, and I see everything in her beautiful eyes. I see my future staring back at me as her robe falls from her sexy body and pools around her feet. Rebecca unbuttons my shirt and slides it off my shoulders. The feeling of her soft hands on my body as she touches me is indescribable.

"Lay back, Mike. Let me love you."

When she bends down and takes a strip of condoms out of her pocket, I grow impossibly hard. This is going to be fast. I close my eyes because if I look down at her rolling the condom onto my cock, I'll come right now. I've waited too long for this moment, and I am determined to last more than thirty seconds. I bite the inside of my mouth and count backward as Rebecca's fingers glide down my cock. When I open my eyes, she is smiling at me.

"Do you want me to go slow?" she asks as her hips pivot slightly, taking me into her warm body.

"Yeah. I want this to last a few minutes."

I close my eyes again and let my other senses feel for me. My ears hear her breath catch as she hits a sensitive spot. My nose takes in the delicious scent of her lavender body spray, while my hand caresses her breast. My mouth suckles her other breast when Rebecca leans in and braces her hands on the mattress. Her stunning beauty fills me, surrounds me, owns me. Every nerve in my body is on overload, and I can't hold on much longer.

"I'm close honey. I can't hold it much longer."

Rebecca reaches behind her and gently squeezes my balls. I have no leverage with one hand, and it is impossible for me to brace myself and thrust upward, but it doesn't matter because Rebecca takes care of that for me. Rising to her knees, I slide out of her, then she sinks deeper onto me while rocking back and forth, and I come hard. It goes on forever as she pulses around my cock. Afterward, Rebecca rests her head on my shoulder, with our bodies still connected in the aftermath of the most intense orgasm that I've ever had. My mind inadvertently thinks back to the many times I had made love to Lauren. I don't remember a time when I felt this way with Lauren, and that's sad to admit, but it's the truth.

"Can we stay like this for the rest of our lives?"

"This is where I want you, baby. Wrapped around me like a warm blanket. Let's get under the sheets so I can hold you all night."

Once I have Rebecca where I want her, I wrap my arm around her soft body and drift off to sleep with a smile on my face. Yes, this is where I want her for the rest of my life.
Chapter 20

The kids are up and ready to leave the house by nine in the morning. Rebecca and I slept late and missed breakfast. We dress quickly before the kids go for their adventure. Rebecca gives the kids sloppy kisses, which makes them laugh.

"Be good for Ron and Helen, and have a super fun day."

It does my heart good seeing them happy. The kids give me a kiss and a hug goodbye, and I smile to myself because we will have the house to ourselves for most of the day. I ask Rebecca, "So, what do you want to do today?"

"I want to take a swim in the pool, sit on the deck, and enjoy the day."

"That sounds good to me. It's been so long since I have just relaxed."

A few minutes later, I exit my room and see Rebecca standing at the top of the stairs in a sexy red bikini. I am instantly aroused to the point of pain. I whistle at her. "Turn around and let me look at you."

When Rebecca turns around, I go a little dumb. My hand reaches down to adjust myself, and her eyes follow my hand. She laughs at me.

"Does this mean you like my bathing suit?"

"I love it, but if you keep walking around like that, I'll be hard all day."

"Aw, poor baby, we can't have that, especially in front of the kids and your parents."

I laugh. "And what do you expect me to do about it? I can't duct tape the damn thing to my leg!"

"That's my job," Rebecca says seductively as her hand goes inside my trunks.

I lean against the wall as her hand wraps around my cock, and her thumb flicks against the head. My hips move with the rhythm of her hand. My eyes never leave hers as my arousal heats my body.

"Concentrate on the head baby. That's how I like it."

Can I tell you how surreal it feels telling Rebecca how I like to be stroked? And, can I tell you how fucking good it feels when I go off like a rocket? My hips thrust into her hand as my orgasm burns through my body. I've never had a sexual experience that felt this intense in my entire life. Is this what it feels like when you love someone more than you love yourself? Is this what it feels like to share an intimate moment with the woman who owns your very existence? I'd have to answer yes to both questions. I wrap my arm around Rebecca and pull her closer to me, which is a little awkward since she still has her hand wrapped around my cock.

"You can let go of me, sweetheart," I whisper against her neck. My lips follow the graceful elegance of her neck up to her earlobe, her jawline, and then to her moist kissable mouth.

"Sorry," she laughs against my lips. "I got a little carried away. You look sexy in your trunks."

"I don't know how I am going to keep the boy tamed today with you walking around in that skimpy suit. I don't want to embarrass myself if my parents come home early."

"Is this condition a reoccurring one, or is this a new development?"

The fact that her hand once again slides into my trunks amuses me, that is until she squeezes me again and I get hard. Another first for me. It usually takes a few minutes to recover.

"I...um...I can't think with you touching me."

"I asked if you have always had control issues."

"I...um...no."

That's all I can get out of my mouth as Rebecca works me again. I slide my hand under the leg of the trunks and squeeze my balls. I close my eyes and enjoy what I have missed so much these past few months. Having two hands work me, even if one of them isn't mine, does it for me. I throw my head back and squeeze harder. Rebecca's other hand pulls down my trunks, and she gets on her knees. I look down at her just as the tip of my cock passes her beautiful lips.

"Don't go past the head, baby."

My arousal reaches its breaking point quickly, and I tap her shoulder. "If you don't want this, now is the time to stop baby."

Her teeth clamp down on me, and that's all it takes for me to come. My body jerks as I do something I've never done with another woman, not even Lauren. My heart pounds in my chest with the realization that I want to marry Rebecca. When I look down again, Rebecca is looking up at me with pure love in her eyes.

I kick off my swim trunks and reach for her hand. "Come with me," I say to her and walk to my bedroom.

"Get on the bed and take off the bikini. It's my turn, baby."

I feel almost feral as I watch Rebecca strip for me. My cock juts out again as I get onto the bed and cover her with my body. I devour her mouth and groan when I taste myself on her tongue. Fucking sexiest thing ever. I want to possess her, I want to own her, I want to give her pleasure like she's never felt before. It's not lost on me when I try to position myself over her that my arm is getting in the way, and I become frustrated.

"It's okay, Mike. We'll work through it. I just want you to love me."

"I don't think you realize how much I do love you, Rebecca. I need to take off the prosthesis."

I sit up and take off my arm, and for a second or two, I'm angry because it limits me physically. I want both hands on Rebecca, and that will never happen. She sees the anger in my eyes and quickly defuses my lousy mood. She sits up and rests against the headboard.

"Come up here and sit next to me."

I do as she asks, and a few seconds later, Rebecca is sitting between my legs and wraps her legs around me.

"There is nothing that we can't do if we just take it slow and not get frustrated. Can you do that for me, Mike?"

"I want to honey, but it's difficult sometimes. I have a vision in my mind of how I want to make love to you, and I can't physically be that man for you."

"What is it that you think I need from you?"

"Really? Isn't it obvious?" I say a little too defensively.

"No, not to me. Explain how you feel, Mike. I can't help you if I don't know how you feel."

I feel myself getting aggravated again, and I take a deep calming breath. I remember what Joe had said to me, and I try to stay in the present moment.

"I guess I feel inadequate. I want to crawl down your body as I kiss, nibble, and taste you, but I can't brace myself with one hand. I don't want to feel this way when I make love to you, but I can't help but feel... awkward, I guess, is the correct word."

"You can still taste me, sweetheart. We just need to be a little creative."

I see where this is going, and I feel myself relax. "It will always be this way for us, honey. I want so much to be like I once was, and I know that's not possible."

"Can I tell you what I see when I look at you?"

"Yes, please." I desperately need to hear the words.

"I see the man that I love unconditionally. I see the man who loves my children, and it takes a special person to love another man's children. I see the man who makes my heart flutter and makes me laugh when I want to cry. I see the man who has his entire life in front of him. I see the man who shows me every day that life is worth living. I see a sexy, intelligent, funny, absolutely gorgeous man, and I am so happy that he loves me. I want to share my life with you, Mike. I want so much that I'm afraid to say it out loud."

"Tell me, honey. What do you want?" I hold my breath and pray she wants what I want.

"I...I want to be your wife someday. I know our relationship is fairly new, but I know deep in my heart that I want to live the rest of my life with you."

I feel like my eyes are about to pop out of their sockets. Rebecca laughs at the expression on my face.

"Did I just freak you out?"

I feel my entire body sag against the headboard. "No, you did not freak me out. You have confirmed what I already feel honey. I want to marry you. I want to raise your children as my own, and God willing, I want to have babies with you, but before we do anything, we need to talk to the kids. What we do also affects their lives, and if they do not want another father, I have to respect that, no matter how painful it will be for me. I won't disrespect their feelings." Rebecca wraps her arms around me.

"This is just one more reason why I love you so much. You put my kid's welfare above your own."

"What else can I do honey? It's the right thing to do."

"Yes, it is, and I have a feeling the kids will be receptive to our life's plan."

"How can you be so confident?"

"How could I not be confident? I think it's time all of us had a second chance to love someone, and you are that man, Mike."

"Well, can this day get any better?"

"It can if you let me make love to you."

Who am I to deny her anything? Rebecca lowers her hand and guides me into heaven. It's difficult describing how I feel, and so I close my eyes and let Rebecca's love wash away the pain and uncertainty. Slowly, she rocks against me, her soft breasts tease me and arouse me. My left arm wraps around her body the best it can, while my hand caresses her beautiful body. I manage to slide down the bed, taking her with me.

"Stretch out on top of me baby and spread your legs wide for me."

The change in position gives me deeper penetration. I raise my knees and thrust upward, bracing myself on my elbows. Yeah, this position works very well for me. When Rebecca gasps and clenches around me, I lose it. Every nerve in my body is on hyperdrive. I feel wild as I thrust up into her. My balls tighten to the point of pain, but I am having difficulty finding my release. I'm frustrated and stop all movement.

"What's wrong?" Rebecca whispers to me.

"I...I don't know. I'm so close, but I can't get there. I don't know what's wrong with me!" I pound my fist on the mattress in frustration. Rebecca's comforting hand on my face does nothing to stop the anger boiling in me. "What the hell is wrong with me?"

"You're nervous honey. It's just your nerves. Close your eyes and focus on the feeling. Do you feel how wet I am? You do that to me, Mike. How badly do you want to come?"

"So bad it hurts," I grunt out. My cock is so sensitive it's bordering on pain.

"Take it nice and slow honey. We have all the time in the world. That's it, baby. Nice and slow. You want to come; you want it badly. Come for me, Mike. Let go, just let it all go and feel my love for you. Feel me squeeze your cock. Can you feel it, Mike?"

"Y..yes," I grunt out again. I don't know how much more my cock can take before I pull out. I'm on the brink of a massive release, and then, when I feel Rebecca's teeth bite into the side of my neck, I arch my back and scream as I come violently. I can feel my cock spasm inside her soft body. I feel the tension leave me as I go limp on the bed. I don't have the strength to open my eyes.

"Wow," is all I can say at the moment. Neither one of us moves for several minutes, our bodies still intimately connected, and when I go limp, Rebecca takes care of the condom. Another first for me. I still have my eyes closed, so it surprises me when I feel a warm washcloth touch my sore cock. The warm cloth on my cock feels so good, and I sigh in relief as Rebecca takes care of me.

"Feels good, doesn't it."

"Yeah, it feels fantastic. Come up here. I need to kiss you."

Rebecca slides up my body, and I kiss her with all of the tenderness and love that I feel for her. "I don't know what to say, honey. Thank you for understanding how I feel. I don't know what happened to me."

"It's okay, Mike. We've put a lot of pressure on ourselves. Now, the pressure is off, and we can enjoy our vacation. Let's go outside and sit by the pool."

"I'm not sure my legs will support me at the moment. Can we stay like this for a little while? I just want to hold you against my body."

Many hours later, I hear a knock on the bedroom door. It's my father. I cover Rebecca with a sheet and walk over to the door. My dad takes one look at my face and winks at me.

"We've been home for over an hour. The kids want to know where the two of you are. Dinner will be ready in fifteen minutes."

"Okay. Thanks, Dad. We'll be down in a few minutes."

Dinner is loud, animated, and happy. The kids go on and on about how much fun they had today, and when it's time for bed, the two of them are out like a light in five minutes. I've never seen them this happy. Yes, this house is our salvation.

oOo

Three days into our vacation, Ralph and Gina show up at our door. When Gina steps into the house, she looks up at the double staircase and blinks a few times.

"Wow, this house is beautiful."

"Yes, it is, and Rebecca and I are so happy that the two of you could get away for a few days."

Ralph shakes my hand. "Thank you for inviting us. The drive down was nice. It feels good to get out of the city for a few days."

"This house has magical powers. Follow me, and I'll show you to your room."

My parents walk in from the sunroom and see our unexpected visitors. I told them about my meeting with Ralph, so they understand the situation and are very gracious. My mother walks up to Gina and gives her a warm hug.

"Hello, sweetheart. Welcome to our home. Are you hungry?"

Taken aback by the warm welcome, it takes Gina a few seconds to respond. "Um, yes, I am a little hungry."

"Follow me. Ron has the grill going, and we have plenty of food."

"Your mother is very kind to welcome us into her home," Ralph whispers to me.

"My parents are special people. If anyone can make your wife feel at home, it's my mother. How long can you stay?"

"We can stay until Sunday. I don't want to miss our appointment with Joe."

"How is that going? If you don't mind me asking."

"It's difficult, but each day gets a little better. Gina is going back to work next week. The two of us feel emotionally drained, and we need this vacation."

Taking a deep breath, he continues. "And we've talked about surrogacy. Neither of us can get past the fear that what happened to Emily will happen again. We visited her grave yesterday, and I've never cried so much in my entire life. The grief hit me all at once, and Gina and I just held each other as we cried. It felt very cathartic."

After dinner, Gina asks if we could go for a walk. I glance over at Rebecca, not knowing what to do. Ralph looks surprised as well.

"I think that's a good idea," Rebecca says. "Ralph can help us clear the dishes."

Gina follows me down the ramp and onto the beach. I stand for a minute or two and just look out at the ocean.

"Isn't the ocean beautiful?" she asks me.

"Yes, it is. I was surprised when my parents told me they bought this house."

"Your parents are lovely people. Can we take a walk? I want to talk to you."

"Sure. I need to walk off what I just ate for dinner."

Slowly, we walk down the beach. The sun is starting to set, which gives the water a warm glow. We walk silently for several minutes; then Gina turns to face me.

"I've never properly thanked you for helping us, Mike. It takes a special kind of person to forgive someone who hurt you. I was angry with Ralph when he told me what had happened. I was angry with myself because I couldn't cope, and he turned to alcohol when he should have turned to me. Losing Emily killed something within me, and I still struggle to cope, but each day gets a little better. We are exploring options for surrogacy. Ralph and I wouldn't be where we are now without Joe's help. You didn't have to forgive him, but you did, and I thank you for that."

"It was the right thing to do, Gina. All of us are dealing with issues that a few months ago seemed unimaginable. I've learned to let go of the pain because it does nothing but pull me back into the past. I attempted suicide twice in three months. I didn't want to live, and now, I embrace each day."

"That's what I want. I really want to be a mother, but I am so afraid to get pregnant again. Surrogacy seems to be the logical choice for us at the moment."

I wrap my arm around Gina and feel the tension in her shoulders. "I know it will happen for you, and if there is anything that I can do to help you, please let me know. If you need a recommendation, I would be more than happy to do that for you."

"Why? Why are you so nice to us?"

Why indeed. I shrug my shoulders. "The first time I attempted suicide, I remember staring at myself in the mirror, and thinking that I don't recognize the person staring back at me. My eyes looked dead, void of any emotion, and it scared me. I saw that look in Ralph's eyes. How could I not forgive him when he is also dealing with a tragedy? Sometimes you cannot control how you act when faced with unimaginable grief. We've both suffered a devastating loss."

"You are one of the good guys, Mike. I hope that we will always be friends, and if I am fortunate enough to have children, I want you to be a part of their lives."

"I am honored that you think of me that way. We may have met under tragic circumstances, but I want us to remain friends. I don't have many since I've lost my hand. Shit, I sound like a little child."

"No, I completely understand. Some of my friends have been avoiding us since the funeral. My mother tells me every day that they don't know how to act around us, and that we should make the first move. I'm not doing that because it makes us look needy. Ralph and I lost our child! My friends should understand that and not feel uncomfortable."

"Yeah. I got the same reaction. At first, it bothered me because they were my friends, but I soon realized that I couldn't change what happened to me, and I can't force someone to be in my life."

"Well, we have each other, and it feels good, doesn't it?"

"Yes, it does. You know where we live, and after today, you and Ralph have an open invitation. The road to happiness is paved with broken glass. We tread lightly, hoping to navigate our way to the other side." Damn, that was witty.

"When did you become a poet?" Gina asks me.

"I'm not a poet, just stating the obvious."

"So true. I'll have to remember that. Let's go back to the house before they send out a search party. Ralph has been rather clingy the past few weeks."

"That's a good thing, right?"

"Yes, it is. Losing Emily has brought us closer together."

"And losing my hand is what brought Rebecca into my life."

"Aren't we lucky to have people in our lives who love us?"

"Yes, very lucky, indeed."
Chapter 21

Today is the last day of our vacation, and I want to make it special for the kids. My parents have enjoyed the past two weeks so much, and it saddens me that we have to leave tomorrow morning. My mother packed a huge basket for all of us, and my dad set up a tent at the bottom of the ramp.

"I don't want to leave," Susan says with a mouthful of potato salad.

Rebecca agrees. "I know sweetheart, but we have to go home. School starts next week. Aren't you excited about starting first grade?"

"I guess I'm a little excited."

"Only a little?" I ask her.

"I'm kind of scared."

My father chimes in. "You should have seen Mike when he started school. The school was around the corner from our new house, and he cried all the way. I had to carry him kicking and screaming into the building. I stood in the schoolyard for a few minutes to make sure he wouldn't run out of the door. Then, he ran away at recess. His mother was frantic trying to find him. Do you know where he went?" he asks.

"He ran away to our old home a few blocks from the school. We had all of the parents on our street looking for him, and Mike was sitting on the step outside our old house. The new owners called us to let us know they had an unexpected visitor."

Billy laughs so hard he falls back onto the sand. "You really ran away from school? How cool is that?"

Okay, I was only six years old, and I still feel a little defensive. My parents have told this story more times than I care to say. "Hey, I was just a kid. I didn't want to go to school."

"I'm scared too," Billy says. This is his first year in a new school, and I can understand his hesitance.

"Isn't it funny that you, me and Susan all face something new next week. You and Susan go to a new school, and I go back to work."

"How is going back to work new for you?"

I lift my arm, and Billy understands. "Oh, I get it. You're nervous about everyone seeing your new hand. That's how I feel about my leg. I don't know anyone in this school, and I don't want the kids to laugh at me."

Kids can be cruel, and I know Billy will have a difficult time for the first few weeks in a new school.

"Just be yourself, Billy. You're a great kid, and if anyone gives you problems at school, you let me know, and I'll take care of it."

"You would do that for me?" Billy asks with a shaky voice.

"Of course, I would. No one messes with my best buddy!"

oOo

The drive home is entirely different, and as soon as we get into the car, and are on the highway, the kids disagree on what movie to watch. It hasn't escaped me that Billy's tone of voice when disagreeing with his sister has a much gentler sound. I know he remembers what happened two weeks ago.

"I want to watch Cinderella," Susan screams.

"Oh, no, that's a girl's movie. I want to watch Transformers."

"Mike, why can't I watch Cinderella?"

"Mike, why can't I watch Transformers?"

"Okay, you two. Let me pick the movie." They settle down when I pick Jurassic Park. It's not 'Mom, why can't I watch whatever movie.' It's Mike. Rebecca looks at me in the rearview mirror and winks. Acceptance is the first step in healing, and I finally know in my heart that the kids accept me. By the time we get home, both kids are asleep, and frankly, I'm worn out. Being a referee is exhausting.

Mom and Dad help us get the kids into the house and up to bed. It's after eight in the evening, and I need to get a few hours of sleep before my big day tomorrow. Once the kids are in bed, and my parents have gone home, I have maybe ten minutes of quiet time with Rebecca. We walk outside and sit on the porch glider. My arm goes around her, and I feel like I'm finally home.

"Are you nervous about tomorrow?"

"Yeah. I'm a little nervous, but also excited. I feel like I've lost a few brain cells the past seven months."

"Getting back to work is just what you need. And, as a side benefit, we can have lunch together when your schedule permits. It's nice being in the building next to you and knowing that I can see you anytime I want to."

"I hadn't thought of that, and yes, I like it too. I want you as close to me as possible."

"Has Carol called you?"

"She sent me an email yesterday saying that she's happy to help me for as long as I need her. I don't plan on dragging this out too long. The more I wear my prosthesis, the easier it gets for me. I hardly feel any pain, and that's a good thing. Although, that frigging salve stinks to high heaven. Can't they make something a little more palatable? I want to barf every time I rub it on my arm. Billy calls it monkey poop, and you should have seen his face when I told him it was made with Mutton Tallow."

"No pain, no gain, sweetheart, even if it's your nose that's suffering."

I pull her closer to me. "I wish you could sleep with me tonight, but I know that if you are in my bed, I will not sleep."

"I want you rested for tomorrow. The next few weeks will be hectic with back to school and schedules. We may not have much time together."

"It doesn't matter honey because I know you are only a few feet from me. We'll make it work. I will not be an absent partner in our relationship. Matt said something to me a few weeks ago, and it stung a little. He said that because I am no longer on the surgical rotation, I will no longer work crazy hours. It upset me when he said that to me, but now, it doesn't matter."

"Why doesn't it matter?"

"Because I get to come home early and spend time with my new family. We may not be officially engaged, but it's only a matter of time before I have a ring on your finger."

"I can't wait for that day," Rebecca whispers as her lips touch mine.

"Neither can I, baby."

oOo

I am up and out of bed at the ungodly hour of five in the morning. After I shower and get dressed, I make my way to the kitchen to prepare breakfast. It's much easier cooking now than it was a few months ago, and breakfast is plated within minutes. I am somewhat proud of myself for what I've accomplished in the past few weeks. My arm no longer feels constricted when I wear it, but I still have to work on the grip. I've broken a few glasses along the way, but it doesn't matter. What matters now is getting back in the game. The familiar adrenaline rush hits me, and it feels so damn good.

I look out of my kitchen window and see that the lights are on at Rebecca's house. I need to look at her one last time before I head out to work. I take my time eating breakfast and enjoy reading the news on my phone while I have my second cup of coffee. It's past seven thirty, and I need to hit the road soon. I walk over to my closet and take out my worn out but trusty messenger bag. It's sat in my closet since the shooting, and when I open it, my mind flashes back to that day. I see a few patient files that I had intended to review while I waited for Lauren to come home, along with my now dead IPad. The old familiar anger tries to surface, but I tamp it down. I do not want to start the day with a full head of steam. Instead, I grab my bag and keys and leave the house. I walk across the lawn to Rebecca's house and see her sitting on the porch, enjoying her first cup of coffee for the day.

"Hi, handsome. Boy, you look super sexy in your lab coat."

"Do you think so?" I mock twirl around a few times, and she laughs at me.

"Yes, you do. The kids want to say goodbye before you leave. They've been bugging me for the last half hour."

I walk up the steps and plant a sweet kiss on her gorgeous mouth and taste her coffee. "Yummy. I love coffee breath."

"You are strange."

"Yes, but you love me."

"Yes, I do. Go in and see the kids before they have a fit. Susan has a present for you."

When I walk into the house, Susan runs through the dining room and stops dead in her tracks when she sees me dressed in work attire. I haven't worn these clothes in a long time, and I feel a little claustrophobic. I sit on the sofa and Susan sits beside me.

"Mommy helped me make cookies this morning for you to take to work."

Ah, that's why the light was on so early this morning. I take the bag and lift Susan onto my lap. "That was very sweet of you to make cookies for me, Susan. I'll enjoy them with my coffee."

Susan whispers to me, "I thought the cookies would make you feel better about going back to work."

"I love your cookies. Thank you, Susan. You made my day perfect."

"I did?"

"Yes, you did. Don't tell mommy, but I am a little nervous."

"It's okay, Mike. Can you come over tonight to eat with me?"

"Where else would I be, sweetheart? I'll be here."

Billy walks into the room and sits on my other side. "I thought you would like to read one of my comic books when you eat the cookies. This one is my favorite."

I smile when I look down. The Mighty Avengers is also one of my favorites. "Oh, man, I love this comic book. I can't wait to read it. Thanks, kiddo." I bend down and place the book in my bag.

"Good luck today, Mike," Billy says as he stands and hugs me. Susan cuts in and I now have both children in my arms. Life couldn't get much sweeter than this.

oOo

When I arrive at the hospital, I once again park in my assigned space, and when I walk into the hospital, I feel like I am home. I never realized just how much I missed my job. I wave to a few people as I walk to the elevator. It's only a matter of time before I see Lauren. I can't avoid her, and I will be damned if either of them will spoil my good mood.

When I reach the doors to the cardiac unit, I open them and see all of my colleagues stand and applaud me. I also see balloons and a big sign that says, 'We've Missed You.' I am touched and a little weepy at the warm welcome that I receive. I have no time to relish the feeling because Matt grabs me by the arm and escorts me to my office. He not so gracefully deposits me in my chair. I see several files on my desk. He sits in the chair facing me.

"Okay, here's the deal. You will be the lead diagnostician for the department. All new cases come through your office. I've reassigned your current patients to the other doctors in the department. I need your brain, Mike. You have five appointments later this morning. Carol will be here in a few minutes to help you."

"You don't waste time, do you?" I laugh.

"Hell, no. I'm drowning in work. I haven't had a day off in months. It's nuts around here."

I look up when I hear my office door open. Carol is standing in the doorway with a smile on her face. I get up, walk around my desk, and hug the stuffing out of her. Carol tenses for a minute, and I laugh.

"I guess you didn't expect a hug, did you?"

"No, but I'll take it. How are you, Mike?"

"Life is getting a little easier. Thanks for helping me. I'm still a little slow with the new hand."

"Between you and me, this is a vacation for me. I'm happy to stay as long as you need me."

I walk around to my desk, sit down, and open my first case file. "Okay, let's get started."

The next time I look at my watch, it's a little past noon, and my stomach lets out a not too subtle growl. I send a text to Rebecca.

I'm heading down to the cafeteria for lunch. Can you join me?

Can you give me thirty minutes? Mrs. Henderson is bringing the kids to the hospital. They want to see where you work.

Great. We'll have lunch together. Love you baby.

Love you too, honey. See you soon!

I am still smiling when I put my phone on the desk. Carol is looking at me.

"What?"

"I've never seen you smile."

I pull up a few pictures from our vacation and show them to Carol. "I have a lot to smile about these days, and if I have my way, I'll be married by this time next year."

"That's Billy! Oh, wow, you're in love with his mother?"

"Yes, I am, and what's more fantastic is that they live next door to me."

"I'm happy for you, Mike. No one deserves a break more than you. Go enjoy your lunch."

I reach into my messenger bag to retrieve the cookies and comic book and head down to the cafeteria. While I wait for Rebecca and the kids, I have a cup of coffee with a few cookies and read my comic book. I am oblivious to everyone around me, but when I hear my name, I look up to see Susan running towards me. I get down on one knee and open my arms to her, then pick her up and twirl her around a few times. Several of the people at the tables near us smile. I give Mrs. Henderson a kiss on the cheek, and she blushes at me.

"Can I see where you work?" Susan asks me.

"After we eat lunch, I'll take all of you up to my office."

Billy looks at the table, sees the comic book, and smiles. "Did you read it, Mike?"

"I read part of it while I had my coffee. Thanks for making my first day back to work a good one. Are you hungry?"

"I am always hungry. Do they have ice cream?"

"What is it with you and ice cream?" I ask him.

"I don't know. I just like it."

This is my first test for the day. Getting lunch and carrying the tray without dropping it. Rebecca watches me intently as we make our way down the food line, and when I pick up my tray at the register, I hold my breath and say a few thank you's that I didn't drop it on the floor. Rebecca leans in and kisses my cheek.

"See, I knew you could do it."

I laugh. "Let's get back to the table before something happens."

As soon as I sit down, Susan sits on my lap. She picks up a fork and knife and proceeds to cut my tuna fish sandwich. "Is this okay Mike? Did I do it right?"

I feel hot tears sting my eyes. "It's perfect sweetheart."

After lunch, I give the kids a tour of my office, and the nurses make a fuss over the kids. "I'll be back in a few minutes," I tell one of the nurses. "I want to walk Mrs. Henderson and the kids out to her car."

I wrap my arm around Rebecca as we head for the elevator. Once again, I see Lauren. She looks at me, then to Rebecca and the kids, and back to me. I'm not sure what I see in her eyes. Is it sadness? Envy? I don't want to be a bastard to her, so I say hello and keep walking.

"She looks sad," Rebecca whispers to me.

"Not my problem."

"I think she regrets leaving you."

"Again, not my problem. I'm in love with a beautiful woman and her two adorable children. If she's upset, there is nothing that I can do about it."

"I know. I feel bad for her, but happy for me. Does that make me a bad person?"

"Are you serious? Hell no. That makes you..." I whisper in her ear, "mine. Totally absolutely and forever...mine. Got it?"

"Yes, sir. Got it."

oOo

The afternoon is a blur of one patient after another, and I love every minute of the craziness. I am once again in my element. Carol has been a big help to me today with retrieving files and assisting in tests. It will take some time, I soon realize, to get used to my hand in a work setting, and I am grateful for Carol's help. At five-fifteen in the afternoon, the last patient leaves my office, and I can finally sit back and take a breath. I've grown soft the past few months, and I am frigging tired.

Carol slumps in the chair in front of my desk and takes a long gulp of water. "Wow, I am exhausted."

"Me too. I don't think I'll have any trouble sleeping tonight. Thanks for your help today. I still have a lot of work ahead of me with the new hand. I couldn't have gotten through the day without you."

"Um...Mike, can I ask you a question?"

"Sure. What is it?"

"Is there a possibility that I could be your permanent assistant?"

"I have to talk to Matt. You are a therapist, not an R.N. I'm not sure if you are qualified."

"I wasn't always a physical therapist. I have a nursing degree, and for five years, I was an emergency room nurse in this hospital."

"Why did you change careers?"

"I got tired of the drug overdoses and the gang violence. I got tired of stepping in blood every night. I needed a change of scenery and went back to school at night to get my degree. I like having more than one option."

"Why do you want to work for me?"

"Honestly, I enjoyed today so much. It's hectic in this office, and I want to work with you. I'll email my resume to you when I get home."

Well, isn't this a surprise. I could use Carol's help because I've realized that I will always have some type of limitation. Having her with me today made my life easier. "Let me talk to Matt. I would like to have you with me full-time. You made my life easier today, and I was able to focus on the patient rather than what limitations I have. Are you sure this is what you want, because if he says yes, you are never going back to physical therapy? I won't let you leave me."

Carol laughs and sits back in her chair. "I like you, Mike. I liked you the minute I met you, even if you were a jerk sometimes. I still haven't forgotten our trip to the market. You really laid into me that day."

Heat creeps up the back of my neck as I remember that day. Not one of my finer moments and I take this opportunity to apologize. "I...um...I'm sorry, Carol. You didn't deserve the way I bit your head off when you were only trying to help me."

"Don't be sorry. I needed to see how you would react in a public setting. Most of my patients avoid leaving the house for fear of how people will treat them. The way those people acted towards you that day has happened many times with my patients. Some people can be real assholes, and you needed to see that up close and personal. The only thing I regret is how upset it made you. That was not my intention."

I lean forward in my chair and rest my aching arm on my desk. "I can't live my life with my head up my ass. Yes, what happened that day was extremely upsetting, but it's life, Carol. It's my life, and I had to crash and burn before I saw what you were trying to show me. I had to stab myself in the neck with a pen, and down a handful of pills before I woke up. I wouldn't have Rebecca and the kids in my life if I continued down that path. They are my future, and I love them very much. I had to get my life back not only for me but for them also. Will I still have problems? Yes. I will probably always have some type of limitation, and I have finally accepted my life the way it is now because, at the end of the day, I go home to Rebecca and two beautiful children."

"I'm happy for you, Mike. I can see by looking at you that you're happy, and that's all I've ever wanted for you. I have many patients who never regain what they had lost. I didn't want that life for you, and when I heard what happened with...well...the pills, I prayed for you."

"I needed your prayers because I was in a very dark place. Sometimes I feel myself get frustrated when I can't do something. It happened on my vacation, and Rebecca talked me off the ledge. Will I ever reach a point in my life when I won't get upset?"

"I had a patient who was a professional dancer, a ballerina. She had diabetes and lost her leg. I honestly thought she would kill herself. She refused to participate in therapy, and after a few weeks, her husband had her transferred to another facility. I learned later that she had a nervous breakdown. It was heartbreaking hearing what had happened to her because she had so much talent, and she was such a beautiful person. I watched some of her performances on You-Tube, and she was amazing."

"I always wondered what happened to her and two years ago, she showed up at the hospital asking for me. She wore her prosthesis, and she was so graceful. She told me that she opened a dance studio and has an assistant who helps her teach the students. She's happy, and that's all that matters. Sometimes we have to hit rock bottom before we can pick ourselves up and get on with life. That's what you did, Mike. You got up and moved forward with your life."

"I wonder where I would be had I not met Billy."

"You'll never know, but it doesn't matter. I'm heading home now. Talk to Matt and let me know what he decides. Either way, I'll stay for as long as you need me. Drag it out a little. I need a break!"

Laughing, I say, "I'll see what I can do."

On my way out of the office, I stop by Matt's office. "Hey, do you have a minute?"

"Sure. My eyes are crossed. I need a break. How was your first day back at work?"

"It went well. Feels good to be back to work."

"How was it working with Carol?"

"That's what I want to talk to you about. I want to hire her full-time. She was a great asset to me today, and I need her."

"I don't think that's a good idea. She is not qualified in that capacity."

"Yes, she is qualified. Before her current position, she had five years of experience as an emergency room nurse in this hospital. Carol went back to school to get her PT degree. I need her, Matt. I realized today that I will always need extra help."

"Let me contact HR and take a look at her personnel file. Give me a day or two, and I'll get back to you."

"Fair enough," I say as I get up to leave. "My ass is dragging. I'm heading out now."

"Welcome back, Mike."

"Thanks, Matt. See you tomorrow."
Chapter 22

My conversation with Carol loops through my head as I leave the hospital. Once again, I see Lauren and Bruce. I lower my eyes and keep walking. They will not drive me out of a job that I love. I refuse to let their proximity to me get up my ass. I call Rebecca as soon as I park the car. When she doesn't answer the phone, I immediately know something is wrong. I look over at her house and see her car and another car that I don't recognize in the driveway. I walk over to her house, and when I hit the top step on her porch, I hear a voice that I do not recognize through the window.

"How could you do this to my grandchildren? I will not let another man raise Ben's children!"

"That is not your decision to make, Anna. This is my life, not yours."

"Ben would be so disappointed in you. Who is this man that you have forced on my grandchildren?"

Rebecca's voice goes up a few octaves. She is seriously angry. "Don't you dare throw Ben in my face, and act like I am doing something wrong! I have lived the past two years alone while my son recovered from his injuries. I have taken care of my children and helped them grieve for the loss of their father every day for the past two years. Where have you been during all of this time? You show up at my door two years later, screaming at me. Who told you about Mike?"

"My daughter saw you on the beach! She called me and told me that you have someone in your life. She said you were very cozy with this man, and that the kids looked happy."

"Chrissie saw us on the beach?"

"Yes, and she is as upset as I am. This feels like a betrayal, Rebecca. It's only been two years since my son died, and you have another man in your life."

I have had enough of this conversation and walk into the house. Rebecca looks over at me with relief in her eyes. I hate it that this bitch made her cry. I walk over to where she sits on the sofa and sit down next to her. If Anna's eyes were daggers, I'd be dead now. She looks down at my arm then up to me. I see the disgust in her eyes.

"Where are Billy and Susan?" I ask Rebecca.

"They are next door with Clara. I did not want to have this conversation with them in the house."

"And why is that Rebecca?" Anna asks.

Before Rebecca has a chance to answer, I say, "I heard what you said to Rebecca, and I am furious. You have no right to come into her house and comment on how she lives her life. Rebecca is a loving and caring mother. It's been two years since Ben died. How long do you expect her to grieve? How long do you expect Billy and Susan to be sad? I want you to apologize, right now!"

"I will not apologize. I have the right to say what I feel. I won't have the kids exposed to you!"

"Exposed to me? When was the last time you visited them? Did you help Rebecca while Billy recovered from the accident? Where were you on the many nights that the kids fell asleep crying in their mother's arms? You don't have any rights in this house, and if you do not apologize, I want you to get out of her house."

"You can't talk to me that way," Anna screams at me.

Rebecca stands and takes a step towards Anna. "Mike has every right to speak his mind in this house. We are getting married in the near future. Mike will be a part of my life for as long as I live. If you cannot accept that I have finally found happiness again, then I want you out of my life, and out of my children's lives."

Clara picks this moment to come into the house. Billy sees the look on his mother's face, and his defenses go up. Susan hesitantly stands by the front door. He walks over to Rebecca and hugs her tightly.

"Why are you mad, Mom?"

I kneel down to be face level with him. "It's okay, Billy. Everything is okay."

Anna takes this opportunity to scream at me. "It is not okay! I want you out of my grandchildren's lives. You are not their father!"

Now Billy understands what is going on. He turns around to face Anna. "Mike is my best friend. I don't like it when you yell at him. He wants to be our friend. We know he can't be Dad to us. We talked about it on our vacation."

"What else did you talk about?" she asks him.

"Don't answer her, Billy. If your grandmother wants to know something, she can ask me. Take Susan upstairs and wash up for dinner."

Billy is hesitant to move. I bend down and whisper. "I love you, kiddo, and I'm not going anywhere. Take your sister upstairs for a few minutes. I need your help, Billy."

Billy hugs me tightly, and my heart melts. Clara guides Susan towards the stairs, and Billy holds her hand as they slowly ascend the stairs. Once the kids are out of earshot, Rebecca unloads on Anna.

"That was insensitive and cruel, Anna. I do not have to justify my feelings to you or anyone else, but I will because I love Mike. My children also love him. I don't think you understand how awful the last two years have been for all of us. My babies suffered every day of their young lives because they miss Ben. I cried myself to sleep more times than I care to admit. I had to take care of my children, go to work, worry about Billy's health, and a thousand other things. My life was a living hell, and not once did you offer to help me. The random phone calls meant nothing to me. I needed help, and you were emotionally unavailable. I understand that you lost your son. I lost my husband, and my children lost their father."

"Since we have known Mike, the children smile and laugh, and can finally be children again. Mike has helped Billy cope with his disability. Why would you deny their happiness, and why would you deny mine? It's cruel Anna to act this way in front of my children. I really want you to leave my house. If you cannot accept that my life is changing, then I feel sorry for you."

I feel the need to add my two cents to the conversation. "I love Rebecca, Billy, and Susan with every fiber of my being. You don't know me so I will tell you. My name is Doctor Michael Jessup. I am a cardiologist at U of P Hospital. I met Billy when I was in rehab, recovering from a gunshot wound that took off my hand and part of my forearm. Billy is an amazing little man, and Susan is an adorable little girl. I would never do anything to hurt the people that I love. I am in Rebecca's life for as long as I live. I want to raise her children as my own, and if you do anything to disrupt their young lives, you will have to answer to me. Do you understand what I am saying to you?"

Anna doesn't answer me. However, the look in her eyes speaks for her. She has one last dig for Rebecca, and if she weren't a woman, I would seriously consider a swift punch to the gut.

"Ben loved you. How do you think he would feel knowing another man is in your bed?"

What Rebecca says next only confirms how much I love her.

"If you have to ask that question, then you really didn't know your son. We talked about this when we changed our wills. Ben would not want me to live my life alone, and if the roles had been reversed, I would want the same for him. What Ben and I shared in the privacy of our bedroom is my business, not yours, but I will tell you that Ben would be happy that I have found love again. He would be happy that Billy and Susan will have a new father. I feel his presence every day, and if you think that we will ever forget Ben, you are sadly mistaken."

"Mike has taken us to the cemetery several times to visit Ben. Mike knows that a part of my heart will always love Ben, and he will always be Billy and Susan's, father. I think it's time for all of us to be happy again, and Mike makes us very happy. Now, I'd like you to leave my house, Anna. You have upset my children, and I will never forgive you for coming here and stirring up trouble when no trouble exists."

Anna turns to leave, and when she reaches the door, she throws one last dagger at Rebecca.

"I hope you can live with yourself."

"I am perfectly happy with how I live my life. Goodbye, Anna!"

Once Anna leaves the house, Rebecca collapses into me. Heart-wrenching sobs erupt from her. I lead her to the sofa, and we sit down.

"Why would she do this to us? Don't I have the right to be happy? Don't all of us have the right to be happy? I need to call my parents."

"Give me your phone honey, and I'll call them for you. I think it's time that I meet them."

Rebecca hands me her phone, and once I settle her on the sofa, I walk into the kitchen and call her parents. Her father answers the phone.

"Hi, honey."

"Um...hello. Is this Rebecca's father?"

"Yes, I'm Richard Gadler. Who is this?"

"My name is Michael Jessup."

"Oh. Rebecca has told us about you. Is something wrong? Why are you calling from her phone?"

"Rebecca had a visit from Anna Montgomery. It didn't go well."

"I never liked that bitch. What did she say to my little girl?"

"Basically, she laid into Rebecca because of me. It was a very unpleasant conversation. Would it be possible for you and your wife to come for a visit? She needs her parents."

"Is tomorrow too soon?"

"Tomorrow is perfect. I have plenty of room in my house if you wish to stay a few days. I live next door to Rebecca, and you and your wife will always be welcome in my home."

"Answer one question for me, and we will never discuss it again. Do you love my daughter and my grandbabies?"

"Yes. I love them very much. I want you to know that I will love and protect them for the rest of my life."

"Good enough for me. We'll see you tomorrow. Which house is yours?"

I give Richard my address and end the call. When I turn around to leave the kitchen, Rebecca is standing in the doorway. I open my arms, and she walks into my embrace.

"Nothing or no one will take you away from me, sweetheart. You're stuck with me until you are an old lady."

"Anna made me feel like I've done something wrong. I don't like feeling this way."

"How is being happy wrong, sweetheart? Does she really believe that Ben would be upset that you've found love again?"

"No. We discussed the possibility of one of us dying, and we both agreed to move forward and live our lives. I have to check on the kids. I am sure they are upset."

"Your parents will be here tomorrow. I'll set them up in my house, and they can stay for as long as they want to."

Rebecca sighs and burrows closer to me. "I love you so much, Mike. Thank you for being here with me. How did you know she was here?"

"I didn't know. I just got home from work and wanted to tell you about my day. I heard her voice screaming at you through the window, and it pissed me off."

"Oh, I forgot this was your first day back to work. How was your day?"

"We'll talk about it later, honey. Let's check on the kids, and if they ask, we will tell them the truth."

Rebecca nods her head in agreement. I follow Rebecca up the stairs and see Billy and Susan sitting on the bed in her bedroom. They look sad, and I really could slap the bitch for doing this to them. I grab a chair from the corner of the room and sit in front of the kids.

"Let's talk about what your grandmother said to your mom."

Billy is the first to respond. "I don't like her. She made Mom cry. Why was she angry?"

"Anna is angry with your mom because of me. She doesn't like that your mom loves me."

Billy responds. "I heard what she said. I was sitting on the step. I know my dad wouldn't be mad at you."

"I know it too. Haven't we been happy the past few months?"

"Yeah, super happy."

"That's all that matters kiddo. Susan, honey, how do you feel?"

"I got upset because I don't want you to leave us."

Tears stain her sweet innocent face. I open my arms to her, sit her on my lap, and hold her tightly. "I am not going anywhere, sweetheart. You're stuck with me."

"Do you really want to be our new daddy?"

"Yes, I do, sweetheart."

"I want it too, Mike. I miss having a daddy."

"Me too, Mike," Billy says. God, my heart is about to explode. I feel so protective, and so much love that I can't articulate how I feel with words.

"Okay, everyone. Let's splash some water on our soggy faces and go downstairs and eat dinner. After dinner, we can go out for ice cream."
Chapter 23

Rebecca's parents arrive at six in the morning as I am about to cook breakfast. When I open the door, her mother lunges for me and hugs the breath out of me.

"Sorry. I just had to hug you. Thank you for making my daughter happy again."

I laugh and step aside to let them come into the house. I shake Richard's hand.

"It's nice to meet you, Mike. My daughter speaks highly of you. You've already met my wife, Pamela."

"Yes, and I have to say that I like hugs first thing in the morning. Are you hungry? I'm making breakfast now."

Richard responds, "I could eat something."

I laugh, and Richard looks at me strangely. "Sorry, but you sound like Billy. He has a bottomless pit for a stomach. Please come into the kitchen and sit down while I finish making breakfast."

They follow me into the kitchen and sit at the table. As I go about gathering what I need, I can feel them staring at me.

"What would you like to eat? I have eggs, bacon, batter for pancakes, and hot and cold cereal."

"Whatever you are having is fine with us Mike," Pamela says.

I grab two coffee mugs, fill them with coffee, and place them on the table. Maneuvering in the kitchen has become easy for me now, and as I move about the kitchen, I feel their eyes following me. I try not to laugh but fail miserably. I turn around and sit down.

"It's okay if you have questions. I can feel your eyes following me."

"I'm sorry," Pamela says to me, "It's just that you look so competent moving around the kitchen. I didn't know what to expect when Rebecca told me about your...your..."

I laugh again. "You can say it, Pamela. My disability. I have a hard time saying it myself."

"Oh, dear, I'm putting my foot in my mouth."

I reach over to hold her hand. "I don't want you to feel uncomfortable around me because Billy will see it. My life has changed so much since I've met Rebecca, and she has helped me to not only cope with my disability but to get past it."

"My wife is overly sensitive since Billy lost a part of his leg. We try not to hover over Rebecca and the kids. Her life was complicated after Ben's death. Rebecca had to go back to work, and we moved into her house to take care of the kids. I argued with her when she told us that she wanted to sell the house, but now I understand why. The house had too many memories, and they strangled my daughter. Lucky for her, she moved next door to you."

"I feel the same way. It gives me great comfort to look out of my kitchen window and know that Rebecca is only a few feet away from me."

"She loves you," Pamela says with conviction. Why does hearing those words make my heart thump in my chest?

"And I love her and the children so very much. Sometimes I have a hard time believing that this is my life. When I first lost my hand, I thought no one would ever love me; then a sweet little girl showed up at my door with a plate of cookies. I was in a very dark mood on that day, and Rebecca laid into me something fierce. I felt like an ass and quickly apologized. That was the first day of my new life." I get up and finish making breakfast. The conversation continues.

"Becky tells us you are a cardiologist."

"Yes, and I love my job. I went back to work yesterday, and it felt wonderful getting back to work. I have someone assisting me while I become accustomed to using my hand in a work setting. Little things like opening files, or using the computer still give me trouble, and I guess I will always have some type of limitation. Thankfully, cooking food is not one of them."

I am somewhat proud of myself for not dropping or breaking anything, and breakfast is served. We sit at the table for almost an hour, enjoying our meal when I hear Billy yell into the kitchen window.

"Hey Mike, do you have extra food for me? I'm starving."

"Get in here, kiddo. I have a surprise for you."

It takes a few seconds for him to come up the steps, and when he opens the kitchen screen door and sees his grandparents, the smile that spread across his face is contagious.

"Granny!" he yells out.

Pamela rises from her seat and lifts Billy into her arms, and as I sit watching them, I feel tears run down my face. Richard bumps my shoulder, and I hastily wipe my face.

"Your face just told me all that I need to know. So, when are you going to marry my daughter."

I give him an honest answer. "I made the decision last night. My cousin is a jeweler, and I'm going to ask him to show me samples."

"Good, that's good," Richard says as he pats my back. I get up and cook Billy breakfast.

"Are you ready for your first day of school?"

"I'm a little nervous. I don't know anyone in this school."

"Do you remember what we talked about at the beach? You're a great kid, and I know you will be okay. If anyone asks about your leg or wants to know what happened to your leg, tell them the truth. Just be yourself, kiddo."

"I'll try, Mike."

After Billy eats breakfast, the three of us walk him back to his house. Rebecca is in the kitchen, packing the kid's lunches and jumps up and down when she sees her parents. Susan runs into the kitchen and raises her arms. I pick her up and give her a kiss.

"Are you ready for school, sweetheart?"

"I'm so excited about going to school today. Do you like the dress Granny Helen bought for me? Isn't it pretty?"

"Yes, it is pretty, and so are you, honey. I want you to have a great day at school, and be good for the teacher."

"I'm always good, Mike."

After Rebecca has their lunches packed, we walk the kids outside to wait for the school bus. Billy is shifting back and forth and is rubbing his leg.

"Does your leg hurt?" I ask him.

"Yeah, a little. I didn't use the poop cream today because I didn't want to stink up the bus."

"I have the same problem at work. That stuff really stinks. I have something for you."

I walk back to the house and into the kitchen. I made several bags of homemade talc with cornstarch, baking soda and a few drops of mint oil. I give Billy a bag, and when he opens it and inhales, he smiles.

"Wow, this smells great. Did you make it?"

"Yep. I couldn't stink up my office and have my patients running away from me because of the poop cream, so I found this online and made a few bags. It's cornstarch, baking soda, and mint oil. Go sit on the step, and I'll put some on your leg." I turn to Rebecca. "Honey, go into the house and wet a few paper towels. I'll also need a few dry towels."

We have a few minutes before the bus arrives and when Billy sits on the step, I help him take off his prosthesis and the sock. His skin is a little chafed and red. Rebecca hands me the wet towel, and I wipe down his leg, then dry it. I sprinkle a liberal amount of the powder into the sock and put the bag in his lunch box. The effect is immediate, and he sighs in relief.

"Wow, that feels really good. Better than the poop cream. Can you make more for me?"

"I have a lot of bags in my pantry cabinet. I'll make more tonight and give it to your mom. When you go to the bathroom, take off the leg, and sprinkle more into your sock. If you need help, ask the teacher to get someone to help you."

When the bus arrives, I get kisses and hugs from the kids, and as I watch the bus drive down the street, I feel a sense of loss.

"I already miss them," Rebecca whispers to me. She leans into me and kisses my cheek. I feel Richard and Pamela's eyes bore a hole into the back of my head. I pull Rebecca closer to me and kiss her neck.

"I miss them too," I whisper back to her.

We stand in the driveway holding each other for a few minutes before I begrudgingly break the connection. I groan rather loudly, "I have to go to work, but I don't want to!" I stomp my foot in protest, and everyone laughs. Rebecca pats me on the ass in sympathy. I turn to her parents.

"Here is an extra key to the house. The refrigerator is stocked, and the sheets are clean. The guest bedroom is the first room on the left at the top of the stairs. Make yourselves comfortable. My house is your house. I should be home by six. I have dinner with Rebecca and the kids every night." Pamela takes the key from me and kisses me on the cheek.

"I like you, Mike. My daughter is fortunate to have you in her life." Pamela says with sincerity in her voice.

I am humbled by her compliment when on most days, I feel slightly inadequate. "I appreciate the compliment, Pamela. The best day of my life was the day I met Billy because he led me to a life that I never thought was possible for me."

Richard pats me on the arm. "It's obvious to us that you love our daughter, and by the look on her face, she loves you too. As long as Rebecca and the kids are happy, what more could we ask for?"

"It means a lot to me that you accept our relationship."

I lean in and give Rebecca one last kiss and groan low in my throat. "I don't want to go to work," I say as I stomp my foot again. Rebecca pats me on the ass and sends me on my way. I turn around when I reach my car for one last look at my beautiful angel.

oOo

If my car had wings, I would fly to work. That's how happy I feel at the moment. I am about three miles from the house when my phone rings. I hit the button on the steering wheel, and Rebecca's voice fills the car.

"Hey, baby, do you miss me already?"

"I'll always miss you when we are not together. I forgot to tell you that I invited your parents to dinner tonight to meet my parents."

"That's a wonderful idea. Where are you now?"

"I just backed out of the driveway."

"Wanna talk dirty while we drive to work?"

"Um...no. You'll distract me. Let's have lunch, and I'll whisper dirty words in your ear."

"God, baby, do you know how much I love you?"

"Yes, I do, because I love you more."

"Not possible."

"Way possible!"

"Pay attention to your driving, and I'll see you at our usual time. Love you, baby."

"Love you too, Mike."

I am whistling like a lovesick fool when I get out of my car. The weather is perfect. The sun is shining, and it's not too humid. Perfect day to do a little ring shopping. I lean against my car and call my cousin Greg.

"Hey, cousin! I haven't spoken to you in a few months. How's it going?"

"It's going great. I went back to work this week, and I feel great. I'm almost afraid to say it out loud for fear of jinxing myself."

"I heard through the grapevine that you have a very sexy woman in your life."

"Hey, watch your mouth! That sexy woman is all mine."

"Don't get territorial, Mikey. I'm not a poacher. Happy for you, dude. Why are you calling me so early in the morning?"

"I need a favor."

"Do tell!"

"I need a ring."

"What kind of ring?"

"Why are you busting my balls? I need an engagement ring!"

"Wow. You move fast cousin. I always knew you had the moves."

I sigh into the phone. "How old are you, Greg? Fifteen?"

"Yep. Forever the adolescent. My mother reminds me of that fact several times a week. Let's get down to business. What type of ring are you looking for?"

"Something classic and elegant. Two carats, in a platinum setting."

"I have several pieces that I think you may like. When do you want to take a look at them?"

"I have a busy schedule today, but I should be able to see you sometime tomorrow."

"Perfect. I'll set them aside when I get to work. What price range are you looking at?"

"Price doesn't matter. I want Rebecca to have something special."

"I'll hook you up with something special, at cost. When I get to the store, I'll send you a text of what I have and let me know if you are interested."

I already know that it will save me a few thousand dollars. "Thanks, Greg. I'll call you later today."

oOo

Did you ever have one of those days that drag on so slowly, you want to scream? I'm having one of those days, and the constant buzzing of my phone in my pocket isn't helping my mood. I know it's Greg sending me pictures of rings, and all I want to do is go someplace quiet and take a look at what he's sent to me. That's not going to happen with the pile of files that I have on my desk staring back at me. When did paperwork become so annoying? Carol and I haven't stopped moving all morning, and along with my aching arm, my stomach is growling like an angry beast. My hand limits the speed at which I can review chart notes and update online records. Carol is invaluable to me, and I'd be lost without her.

I am so desperate for five minutes that I hide in my private bathroom. I lean against the door and grab my phone. All of the rings that Greg set aside for me are gorgeous, but most of them are not what I am looking for. The last ring catches my eye. Two-carat princess cut pink diamond with white pave diamonds around the stone. Greg calls it a halo. The wedding band is a combination of pink and white channel set diamonds. Both set in platinum. The price is twelve thousand dollars, but the wholesale price is seventy-five hundred. I send Greg a text.

This is the one that I want.

Greg responds: What size? I have to order them.

Shit. I have no idea. I'll get the size for you asap.

Okay. See you later.

I panic then remember that her parents are at my house. I hit my number and pray someone answers. The answering machine picks up. I yell into the phone. "Richard, Pamela, are you there? I need your help. Pick up the phone." I wait a few seconds then I hear Pamela on the other end of the line.

"What's wrong, Mike?"

"I need your help with something. Do you know what size ring Rebecca wears?"

"I think she wears a size six. Hold on a minute, and I'll run over to her house. I have a key."

I wait not so patiently for several minutes, and I feel like I want to scream, hurry the fuck up! Finally, I hear the phone pick up again.

"I put one of her rings in my pocket."

"I love you, Pamela. Could you do me a huge favor?"

"Only if you tell me what's going on. I heard you talking to Richard this morning. You're buying my baby an engagement ring!"

"Please, Pamela, this is top secret. Can you keep my secret?"

"Of course, I can keep a secret. I would never want to spoil this special moment for my baby girl. Oh, I am so happy, Mike."

"Give me your cell number, and I'll text what I've picked out. Let me know if you think Rebecca will like the ring."

I put Pamela on speaker phone, and when she gives me the number, I forward the text to her. Ten seconds later, I hear her scream into the phone.

"Are you serious, Mike? This ring is gorgeous. Becky will love it! Pink is her favorite color. What can I do to help you?"

"I need the ring. My cousin owns a jewelry store, and he needs her ring size. Can you drop it off at the hospital?"

"Oh, honey. We'll be there as soon as possible. Which hospital? I also need the address."

I give Pamela the information, and before I disconnect the call, she hands the phone to Richard.

"You have made an old man very happy. Be good to my daughter. She's still my little girl."

"You have my word, Richard."

"That's all I need to hear. I will call you once we get to the hospital. Can you meet me outside?"

"That's not a problem. Call me a few minutes before you arrive, and I'll meet you at the curb."

While I wait for Richard, I text Rebecca. Wanna have lunch today? I miss you!

A few minutes later, she responds. Is one thirty okay for you? Tied up in a staff meeting.

One thirty is okay with me. Love you, honey.

Love you too!

That gives me two hours to get the ring from Pamela. I walk to the window and look down at the street. I don't want Rebecca to see her parents outside the hospital. My arm is bothering me today, so I take off my prosthesis, and when I look at my arm, the skin is red and blistering a bit. I pick up the phone and call Carol.

"Can you come into my office for a minute? I need your help with something." I sit at my desk and rest my arm on the cold metal. A few minutes later, Carol walks into the office, and when she looks at my arm, she frowns.

"Is your arm bothering you?"

"Yeah. I have a little pain, and the skin looks irritated. I can't use the stump cream because it stinks, so I've been using a combination of cornstarch and baking soda. It's worked well, but my arm still sweats in the liner, and it feels swollen."

Carol takes a few minutes to examine my arm and comes to the same conclusion. "Hot weather combined with sweat inside the liner is a common problem."

She places a phone call to her office. "Hi, can you do me a favor and bring down a box of sheaths to Dr. Jessup's office. Room 621. I want the short sheaths for a partial arm prosthesis. Thanks, Jenny."

"Jenny will have a box of the sheaths for you in about an hour. She's with a patient now."

"What's a sheath?" I ask her.

"A sheath goes between your arm and the silicone liner, and it wicks away the moisture. It's important that the sheath be at least three inches shorter than the liner, or your prosthesis will slide off your arm. If the sheath does not work well, you can also use an off the shelf antiperspirant, but I would like to try the sheath first."

While I wait for the liner, my phone rings. It's Pamela, and they are outside. I put on my lab coat and run downstairs to the lobby. I don't even think about how I look with one hand, and I really don't care. When I get outside, Richard looks down at my sleeve as it blows in the wind and frowns. Now I feel self-conscious, and my face portrays how I feel.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to stare at your arm. Your sleeve caught my eye."

"It's okay, Richard. The skin on my arm is a little irritated from the heat. My therapist is getting me a few liners which should take care of the problem."

Pamela hands me the ring, and then she kisses my cheek. "It's okay honey. We understand. Are you okay?"

"Seven months ago, I would have said no, but surprisingly, I'm okay. I am about to take the next step in my relationship with Rebecca, and the fact that I'm standing on a busy sidewalk without my arm, and no one is looking or pointing at me, and I am not freaking out is unbelievable. I was so focused on getting Rebecca's ring before she meets me for lunch, that I just ran out of my office, leaving my arm on my desk. What surprises me, even more, is the fact that I'm not upset to have you see me this way."

"Why would you be upset? We're family now, and we don't want you to feel uncomfortable around us. If you feel comfortable without the arm, then that's what you need to do."

"Your acceptance means a lot to me, Pamela."

She pats my cheek. "You make my daughter happy, and in doing so, you make her parents happy. I can't wait to see the ring."

"Please, Pamela, don't say anything. I haven't planned out how I want to propose. I do know that I want to include Susan and Billy."

"Ugh, I hate keeping secrets."

"You better leave before Rebecca sees your car. We're meeting for lunch soon."

I say goodbye to Richard and Pamela and stand on the sidewalk as I watch them drive down the street. I put the ring in my pocket and sit down on the concrete wall for a few minutes. I don't know how long I sit here, fingering the ring in my pocket when I feel a hand on my shoulder, then a soft kiss on the side of my neck.

"Um, whoever you are, you better get out of here before my girlfriend sees you. She is a very jealous woman."

"Damn right, she is."

Rebecca walks around, stands between my legs, and when she sees my sleeve, she frowns.

"What's wrong with your arm?"

"It's a little irritated from sweating. I'm waiting for Carol to get something for me that should help with the sweating. I'm wondering about Billy. It's hot today. Is he having the same problem?"

"Oh, I hope not. Can Carol get something for his leg?"

"I'll ask her. The baking soda cornstarch mixture isn't working for me today. I hope Billy is not having problems."

"How do you feel sitting outside without your prosthesis?"

"Surprisingly, I feel good, and do you want to know why?"

"Of course, I do."

"It's because I was waiting for you." I wrap my arms around her, pulling Rebecca closer to me. Her hands slide into my hair, and at this moment, I am so thrilled to be alive. "Do we have to have lunch? Let's go somewhere. I want to make love to you."

"Not happening, Mike. I only have one hour for lunch, and I'm starving. Save it for tonight."

Taking her hand in mine, we walk back into the hospital and up to my office. Carol has a box of liners for me, and after a minute or two of manipulation, the arm is in place, and it feels so much better.

"Thanks, Carol. My arm feels so much better. I'll be back in an hour. I have to feed this woman, or she gets snarky!"

"I do not get snarky," Rebecca says as she smacks my ass. God, I love this woman.

Carol laughs and shakes her head as we leave my office. When we reach the cafeteria, I see that our usual table is occupied, so we walk over towards the windows. Why is it that every time I eat lunch, I have to look at Lauren? And, why does she look sad? She glances over at me, then lowers her head.

Rebecca sees the interaction and leans in and whispers to me. "Lauren wants you back in her life. I can see it in her eyes."

It takes me a few seconds to register what I've just heard. "No, Lauren doesn't want me. If she wanted me, she never would have left me. Something must have happened with Bruce. I don't want to sound like a prick, but it's not my problem." When Rebecca doesn't answer me, I take a closer look at her face. She looks nervous. "What's wrong?" I ask her.

"I suddenly feel a little scared. The two of you have a history. What if she starts to pursue you again? What if she brings up your shared past? I don't want her in your life again."

"It doesn't matter what Lauren wants or doesn't want. She left me at a time when I needed her. When I needed reaffirmation that I would survive my injury. Lauren didn't love me, and if she did, it wasn't the kind of love that lasts a lifetime. You don't leave someone high and dry during the worst nightmare of his life! That's not how you love someone." I get up from my seat and go around the table and sit next to Rebecca. I put my arm around her shoulder and kiss the nape of her neck.

"What we have together is pure heaven for me, Rebecca. When I say that I love you, I mean it with every fiber of my being. When I say that I want to be a father to Susan and Billy, I mean it with my whole heart. You have nothing to fear sweetheart. You are the woman that I want to share the rest of my life with. You are the woman that I want to wake up next to every morning until I take my last breath."

"Hearing those words does funny things to me."

"What kind of funny things?" I whisper back to her.

"I feel loved, Mike. I never thought I would feel this way again. That's why I was so worried when you took those pills. Not having your love in my life would hurt me so much. We're a family now, even if it's not official. My little family is complete again, and that makes my heart happy."

My heart swells hearing those words from Rebecca. I turn her face to look at me and give her a tender kiss. I whisper to her, "You saved me, darling. You never gave up on me during the worse time in my life. I promised you then, and I promise you now, that I will always love you. I will always love and protect your children as if they were mine. I want babies with you, Rebecca. I want everything with you. I never want you to doubt my love for you. Lauren is out of my life, and nothing she could ever say will change that fact."

I look over Rebecca's head to see Lauren swiping a finger under her eyes. Is she crying? I divert my eyes back to Rebecca. Lauren is my past. Rebecca and the kids are my future.

"Do you feel better baby?"

Rebecca sighs as I place my hand on her leg and slowly slide it upward. "Yeah, I do. And now I have to get back to work. Walk with me?"

I rise and take Rebecca's hand in mine as I walk her back to the hospital.
Chapter 24

The remainder of the day passed quickly, and as I am about to shut down my computer, I hear a knock on the door.

"Come in," I say without looking up. When I do, I see Lauren standing in the doorway.

"Do you have a minute? I need to speak to you."

"You have five minutes. Rebecca and I have guests coming for dinner."

Lauren takes a seat in front of my desk and lowers her eyes. She can't look me in the eye.

"What do you want, Lauren?"

"I...um, I never had a chance to answer the question you asked me when I saw you at the coffee shop. I would like to answer it now."

I think back to that day and remember what I had asked her. "I'd like to hear what you have to say."

"We've been having problems for a few months before your injury. You never had time for me. You came home late at night and went straight to bed. Every time I tried to talk to you, you shut me down. I got tired of being ignored. I happen to mention it to Bruce one day at lunch, and he sympathized with me. We started eating lunch together, and on one of my late shifts, he kissed me, and I liked it. I didn't feel ignored. He listened to what I had to say. I saw the ring that you had hidden in your watch box, and I didn't want to get married. I liked going back and forth from my apartment to your house. It made me even more uncomfortable when you put my name on the deed to the house. I went along with having my name on the deed, and I didn't want to make a big deal out of it."

What the hell am I hearing? "So, let me get this straight. You knew that I loved you. You knew that I had planned to ask you to marry me. You got cold feet and had an affair. Does that sum up things correctly?"

When Lauren fails to answer me, I become angry. "You threw away five years because you did not like my work hours? We talked about this before I applied for the job. You knew how much I wanted the position, and I stupidly thought you were supporting me. And now you tell me that you didn't want to get married. Why didn't you say something to me? I would have understood how you felt if you took the time to talk to me. Instead, you cheated on me. I hope he was worth destroying our relationship."

"We broke up last week. I heard Bruce talking to someone on the phone about how he used me to get back at you. Apparently, he wanted the job that you now have, and he was pissed off. I was vulnerable, and he used me. How do you think that makes me feel?"

"And how do you think it affected me when my parents told me that you left me with no explanation? How do you think I felt having to recover with no support from the woman that I loved? Is that why you suddenly want to come clean with me?"

"Yes. I want you back, Mike. I made a terrible decision. Can we start over?"

"Not possible. I am in love with Rebecca."

"You've only known her for a few months. How can you be sure you love her? We have history, Mike. Do you really want to throw that away?"

"The way you threw me away without so much as a word?" This entire conversation is pissing me off. Does Lauren think I'll come running back to her like a lovesick pussy? No. This conversation ends now.

"How can I be sure that I love her? My relationship is none of your business, but I will answer your question. My love for Rebecca and the kids is bone-deep, Lauren. The thought of living my life without them is unimaginable. I've changed since the shooting. I've had to hit rock bottom before realizing what I wanted most in life. I want a wife who loves me and understands me. I want total honesty in a relationship, and I have that with Rebecca. If you really loved me, you would have told me the truth. Did you think that I would put an ultimatum on our relationship? Was I such a prick that you felt you couldn't talk to me?"

"You were always distracted. I tried so many times to talk to you, but I never found the right time. I started spending more time in the hospital because I didn't know how to tell you how I felt. One thing led to another, and I had an affair. I'm not proud of how I acted."

"So now it's my fault you had an affair? That's no excuse, Lauren, and you know it. You make me sound like a heartless prick. I think you need to leave before I say something I can't take back. I want you to stay out of my life."

I watch a myriad of emotions flicker on Lauren's face as she realizes that any chance of reconciliation is over. Rising to her feet, she takes one last look at me, and before she walks out of my office, Lauren turns to face me and what comes out of her mouth pisses me off.

"The shooting was my fault, and I am so sorry."

I am up and out of my seat before the door closes. I grab Lauren by the arm, pull her into my office, and not too gracefully shove her back into the chair. She looks up at me with tears in her eyes, and once again, the rage boils to the surface. It takes all of my strength to keep from screaming. I walk around my desk and sit down before I fall down.

"Explain!" I bark out.

"We had a fight that day, and I sent you the text. I spoke to one of the nurses who overheard your conversation with the detective. She assumed that we were still a couple. You were looking down at my text when you walked into the café. I distracted you because I was angry, and that's why you did not see what was in front of you. It's my fault, Mike, and there is nothing that I can do but apologize to you. I don't know what else to say."

And now I come to the root of my anger. I'm angry at Lauren because subconsciously I have been avoiding blaming her for the shooting. I was distracted. I wasn't paying attention to my surroundings. I sit back in my chair and stare at her for several minutes while I try to rein in my anger, but it's useless.

"Yes, Lauren. You are partly at fault. I was angry about the conversation we had earlier that day. I was looking down at your text. Why, Lauren? All of this turmoil because you wanted my attention? What did Bruce say to you? How did he convince you to leave me?"

Lauren's face turns five shades of red. "It didn't take much convincing. I felt that we grew apart. I didn't want the things that you wanted, and I was a coward. I should have talked to you about how I felt instead of shutting you out. You are a steamroller, Mike. It wasn't easy talking to you."

I stare at her flabbergasted. Am I a steamroller? I think back to what Rebecca said to me when we first met, and my stomach sinks. I was distracted by my job, and I never noticed her living next door to me. Did I do the same thing to her?

"Is that what you really thought about me, Lauren?"

"I'm sorry, but yes, that's how I felt. It got worse when you took the new job, and that's why I never officially moved in with you. It was always your way with no input from me. I did the best that I could to make it a home for us, and you never said, 'looks good honey' or, 'can I help you?'. You came and went and sometimes never noticed that I wasn't in the house. You ignored me, Mike, whether you realize it or not. The last few months of our relationship was tense. I knew then that I had to end our relationship."

"And you waited until I was lying in a hospital bed to end it? Did it ever occur to you that I was just tired? Did it ever occur to you to ask me what's wrong? You assumed rather than asked. Am I a fucking mind reader? How am I supposed to know what's in your head if you don't tell me?"

"I shouldn't have to tell you how I feel! That's the point I am trying to make, Mike. You changed the last year of our relationship. We always talked to each other. We always shared how we felt with each other. You grew distant, and I couldn't take it any longer. I felt it was best to make a clean break. I am sorry if that sounds cruel, but I had to leave."

"I think you've said enough. I'd like you to leave my office." I sit stoned faced behind my desk as I watch Lauren walk out of my office and out of my life.

oOo

I don't know how long I sat in my office when I hear my cell phone ring. It's Rebecca. I look down at the screen and realize it's six in the evening. "Hi, honey. Sorry, I am still at the office."

"What's wrong? You sound funny. Are you okay?"

"Honestly, no, I'm not. I had a visitor shortly before I shut down for the day." I proceed to tell her about my conversation with Lauren. "I'm too upset to drive. I need to calm down before I get in the car."

"Stay where you are. I'll be there as soon as I can."

"Thanks, honey. I don't trust myself to drive."

"What she said to you is awful, Mike, and it's not true. I want you to stay with me tonight. I don't want you to be alone."

"I feel like shit, Rebecca. Was I so self-absorbed with the job that I ignored her? I knew something wasn't right with our relationship. Am I fucking stupid to have missed all of the signals she was obviously throwing at me?"

"It's easy for her to hurl insults at you now that the relationship is over, and obviously, Lauren bears some responsibility also. She did have an affair, and she did leave you. Personally, I'd like to thank her."

"Really? You're not just saying what I want to hear?"

"Why would I do that? I already have what I want, don't I?"

"She has me second guessing everything. I'm so afraid of fucking up our relationship."

"We'll talk about this tonight. I'm leaving now, and I'll be at the hospital within the hour."

"Call me when you arrive."

"I love you, Mike."

"I love you too, sweetheart. More than you know."

While I wait for Rebecca, I walk down to the cafeteria and get a cup of coffee. I sit at my favorite table and stare out the window. The sun is beginning to set, and the reflection on the Perlman Center's glass building is beautiful. I can feel myself becoming depressed, and my first instinct is to call Joe. I need an anchor.

"Joe, are you still in the hospital? I need to talk to you."

"Yes, I'm still in my office. Where are you?"

"I'm in the cafeteria, waiting for Rebecca to pick me up."

"I'll be down in five minutes."

The amount of relief that I feel at the moment is palpable. I am being tested, and if I fail, my life will never be the same. When I look up from my phone, I see fucking Bruce. No time like the present to say what needs to be said. I get up slowly, touch the sensor on my arm, and my hand balls into a fist. Bruce sees me walking towards him, and freezes where he stands.

"I want to talk to you!" I bark out.

"I have nothing to say to you Mike," he says as he backs away from me, but his ass hits the counter. I have him just where I want him.

I raise my arm to his face. "Do you see this hand? I could break your jaw with one punch. Why, Bruce? Why go through all of this because you are pissed off that you didn't get the job? You used Lauren to get to me. Does that make you feel like a fucking man?"

"The fix was in from the first day. Your buddy Matt wanted you, and said, 'fuck you' to everyone else. I am more than qualified Mike, and I wanted that job. When Lauren came to me bitching about you, I did what I had to do. I will say that she is a lousy fuck. You're better off without her."

My mind explodes with anger, and I raise my arm. I am one inch from smashing his fucking face when I feel Joe's hand on my shoulder.

"Let it go," Joe says to me.

"He used Lauren to get to me." Joe puts his hand on my arm and pulls me away from Bruce.

"This is not the place to have this discussion. Bruce, I suggest you get out of here before I let go of his arm."

When I see Bruce walk out of the cafeteria, I relax.

"Tell me what happened," Joe asks me as he sits down. I tell him about my conversation with Lauren.

"What's going through your mind right now?" Joe asks me.

"I feel like shit because I have no way of knowing if what she said to me is true. Sure, I was busy most days, and yes, our relationship at times was a little fractured. We are both doctors for Christs' sake. What did she expect of me?"

"The question is what do you expect from yourself? Did it hurt you hearing that she thought you were a steamroller?"

"Frankly, yes, it did hurt me, because I never thought of myself that way. It bothers me more that Lauren felt she could not talk to me. I'm scared, Joe. I don't want this to happen with Rebecca."

"Why are you so sure that it will happen again?"

"I...um...I don't know. I'm just worried. I don't want to repeat past mistakes."

"Rebecca is not Lauren. Don't compare them to each other."

"My life is getting easier, and it wouldn't take much for me to revert to who I was before the shooting."

"Do you feel yourself reverting?"

"No, but who is to say it won't eventually happen."

"Only you know how you feel. Learn from this experience, and don't shut out Rebecca. Tell her what happened today. Get her opinion. Keep the lines of communication open. You are not the same person that you were before the shooting, Mike. I can clearly see how you have changed since I first met you. You can't change the past, but you can learn from it."

I am about to say something when my phone rings. It's Rebecca. "I'll be out in a few minutes. I'm talking to Joe."

"Take your time, Mike. Love you."

"Thanks. Love you too."

"Remember what I said, Mike. Hindsight is a bitch. Use the coping tools that I taught you and remember that the past is just that, in the past. Keep your eyes on the goal line. You know what you have with Rebecca is solid. It's obvious that she loves you. Lauren said those things to you to absolve herself of the guilt. When you shut down any chance of a reconciliation, the claws came out. She knows she made a mistake, and she has to live with the fallout, not you."

"I never thought of it that way. I guess I'm overly sensitive, and I don't want to do anything to jeopardize my relationship with Rebecca."

"Call me if you need me, anytime, day or night."

I reach out to shake Joe's hand. "Thanks, Joe."

oOo

When I walk out of the hospital, I see Rebecca's sitting across the street on a bench, and I want to get down on my knees and thank the higher powers for bringing her into my life. She sees me and runs across the street. My arms open, and she walks into my embrace. I bury my face in her hair and inhale the sweet scent of vanilla.

"Are you okay?" She whispers in my ear.

"No, but now that I have you in my arms, nothing else matters."

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"Yeah, I do, but not here. Where are you parked?"

"In the garage."

"Okay, let's go home."

The drive home is quiet, and I use this time to calm my mind. I'm angry, disappointed, and scared. Rebecca doesn't try to make conversation, and I appreciate her thoughtfulness. When we arrive home, our parents have fed the kids and got them up to bed. The house is quiet, and I feel four sets of eyes boring a hole into the back of my head. I'm tired, and I really don't want to talk about this with my parents or hers, so I just go up to her bedroom and close the door.

I hear soft voices, which lead me to believe that Rebecca is telling them about my shitty day. I strip down and climb into bed. I am too tired to consider taking a shower. I must have fallen asleep because the shifting of the mattress awakens me, and then I feel Rebecca plaster herself to my back. Her soft, warm arm goes around my body, and I held onto her hand like a lifeline. I'm shaking as I fight the urge to cry. Soft lips caress my shoulder, and I break into a million pieces.

"What she said about you is not true," Rebecca whispers in my ear.

"What if it is true? What happens when life gets back to normal for me? Do I revert to the person who didn't know you were my neighbor? Do I once again let my job consume all of my time? I'm angry honey. Lauren distracted me. I wasn't paying attention, and I walked into a nightmare. It's her fault. I couldn't pinpoint my anger until today."

"You have worked so hard to get to where you are now, and she is a selfish bitch to come into your office asking for forgiveness. I don't care about what your relationship with Lauren was like before she left you. It doesn't matter to me because I know you. No one is perfect. My relationship with Ben wasn't perfect. We argued a lot. He pissed me off more times than I can say, but I loved him, and I absolutely love you. Lauren wants to absolve herself of any responsibility by dumping all of this shit in your lap. I could really smack the bitch for doing this to you!"

"It doesn't change the fact that I wasn't present in that relationship. I don't want that to happen to us, Rebecca."

"What makes you believe you won't be?"

"I don't know. Lauren has me doubting everything."

"Do you have doubts about your love for me?"

I roll over to face her. "No, absolutely not."

"Do you have doubts about how much you love my kids?"

"No. I love them very much."

"Then what doubts do you have?"

"I worry that I will not be a good husband and father. I worry that a part of what she said to me is true. You didn't know me before I got shot. I'm not the same man."

"Are you a better man?"

"I'd like to think so."

"I know so. Keep yourself focused on us, Mike. I love you. The kids adore you. What more could you ask for?"

"I have such a hard time getting over the insecurities that I still feel. I thought I had it under control, but Lauren has brought all of it to the surface...again. I hate feeling this way."

"We all have insecurities. It's a normal part of human behavior. Remember what you said in therapy. You are not superhuman. Hate to break it to you, honey, but you are predictably normal."

I laugh at her assessment. "Yes, I am normal. Lauren's words hurt my ego. I never saw myself the way that she did, and her words stung more than I care to say. I'm not a vain person, and she made me feel like I had to defend myself."

"When you rebuked her mea culpa, she insulted you in an attempt to deflect the blame to you."

That pisses me off because she got under my skin. "I guess it worked because here I am."

Rebecca snuggles closer to me. "Yes, here you are, in my bed where I want you to be. Now, no more talking. I want you to make love to me."

"Who am I to deny you anything?"
Chapter 25

When I open my eyes the next morning, the sound of vomiting and crying is the first thing that I hear. It's Billy, and he's sick. I get dressed quickly, and when I open the bedroom door, I hear Billy's voice through the bathroom door.

"Mike will never go with me. I'm afraid to ask him."

More vomiting follows as Rebecca tries to soothe Billy. "You won't know if you don't ask him, sweetheart."

"But what if he says no?"

What does he want to ask me?

"Take a sip of water sweetheart. You know you get sick when you're upset."

When I open the door, I see Billy sitting on his shower chair, and Rebecca is kneeling in front of him, wiping his face with a wet washcloth. Billy looks up at me and starts crying again. I walk over to him, sit on the lid to the toilet, and put my hand on his shoulder. It breaks my heart when I feel his little body shaking under my hand.

"Hey, what's got you sick, kiddo?"

Before he has a chance to respond, he tells Rebecca, "I'm going to be sick again," and turns around and vomits in the bathtub. Rebecca looks at me with tears in her eyes.

"Honey, go down to the kitchen, boil some water and add a little honey. It will settle Billy's stomach. I'll stay with him."

"Okay. I'll be back in a few minutes."

Once Rebecca is out of the bathroom, I close the door. Billy is still leaning over the tub, but thankfully, the vomiting has stopped.

"Do you want me to help you back to your bedroom?"

"Yeah, but not right now. I still feel sick."

"Do you know what made you sick?"

"Um...yeah, but I don't want to tell you."

"You know you can tell me anything kiddo. Aren't we best buddies?"

"Yeah, but this is different. I...um, I want to ask you something, but I'm afraid."

Whatever it is, I can see that it has Billy twisted in knots.

"Do you know how it feels when you have a band-aid ripped off? It hurts for a few seconds, and then you feel better. Whatever it is Billy, you know you can trust me."

Rebecca brings in the warm water with honey and remains standing in the doorway.

"Let's get you back to your bedroom, Billy. We can talk there."

Billy wraps his arm around my body, and we slowly walk back to his room, with Rebecca following us with the trash can and the warm water. Once we have him comfortable in bed, Rebecca hands Billy the warm water. His hands shake as he raises the cup to his lips. I sit next to him, and Billy sags against me, resting his head on my arm. I raise my arm, and he snuggles against my body.

"Do you want to talk about what made you sick, kiddo?"

"Yeah. Um...today is Father-Son day in my homeroom class. We didn't have Father-Son day at my last school, and I don't want to go because I'll be the only kid without a father. The teacher thought it would be a good idea to meet some of the parents. I want to ask you if you would go with me, but I was afraid you would say that you had to work and couldn't go with me. I get sick sometimes when I get upset."

"Why did you think I wouldn't go with you?"

"Because I miss my dad, and I know you're not my dad, but I want you to go with me. I don't want to be the only kid without a dad. The teacher says that we have to write an essay about who we admire."

"And did you write the paper?"

"Yeah, and now I'm nervous because I have to read it in front of the class."

"I know you will do a fantastic job, and I am so proud of you."

I look over and see Rebecca wipe the tears from her beautiful face. What happened with Lauren yesterday means nothing in the grand scheme of things, and I realize with stunning clarity that this is where I am supposed to be. This is what I have waited for my entire life, and I also understand that I would have never had this with Lauren.

"I would be honored to go with you, Billy, and I want you to put a picture of your father in your pocket. He will also be with you."

"Really? You'll go with me?"

"You bet I will. Where else would I be?"

"Gee, Mike, I'm really excited. Are you sure you can come with me?"

"I am positive and aren't you lucky it's today. I don't have any appointments, because most of the doctors are in surgery today."

"Really? We only have half a day."

"How do you feel now?"

"I'm hungry!"

"You're hungry?" I shake my head as I laugh. I need Billy to understand that he no longer has to feel lonely. "I want you to remember something, Billy. I love you, I love Susan, and I love your mom. I want us to be a family someday, and that means that you can come to me if you have a problem. I don't want you getting sick because you are afraid to tell me something. We're buddies, and buddies tell each other stuff."

"What kind of stuff?"

"All kinds of stuff. Gross stuff, funny stuff, and serious stuff. It doesn't matter what it is, Billy. I want you to talk to me."

"Like picking buggers or farting in class?"

I laugh. "Exactly. That's guy's stuff."

"Thanks, Mike."

"Get dressed, and I'll drive you to school this morning."

"I would like that. I hate taking the bus."

oOo

While we wait for the kids to get dressed, Rebecca runs over to my house for a change of clothes, and I take a quick shower. When I say fast, I'm not joking. I know I missed a few vital body parts, but I have no time to go slow. Rebecca helps me get dressed because I have precisely forty-five minutes before the kids leave for school. I have to laugh when I see what Rebecca picked for me to wear today. One of my Armani suits, black winged tips, red socks, a crisp white shirt, and red tie. Power clothes.

"Why did you pick this suit?" I ask her as she slides the tie under my collar.

"I want you to look perfect for Billy. I'm sure the other fathers won't look as sexy as you do now."

"I look sexy? How sexy?"

"So sexy, I want to rip the clothes off your body and throw you on the bed."

I lean in and kiss the side of her neck. "I am going to remind you later tonight, and I want you to make good on your promise."

"Oh, I intend to keep my promise," she says to me as I feel her hands slide down and squeeze my ass.

"Be careful, baby. All it takes is one touch from you to get me hard." To prove my point, I pull her into my body. A soft moan escapes her lips when my hand caresses her ass, and I grow harder. Her hand goes down between our bodies, and she gives me a soft squeeze.

"Yummy!" She whispers in my ear. "All mine."

"And you're all mine. Love you, baby."

"Love you too, Mike."

A few minutes later, the kids are sitting at the table, eating breakfast.

"What time do we have to be at school today?"

"My teacher said nine o'clock. After all of the kids read their essay's, we go to the cafeteria and eat lunch. Is that okay with you?"

"It's perfect."

Billy's eyes grow misty, and I lean over and give him a hug. "There is nothing that I wouldn't do for you, kiddo, and I am honored to fill in for your father."

"Thanks, Mike."

oOo

Billy is bouncing around in his seat as we drive to school. I have the strangest feeling in the center of my chest. It feels like whatever happens today will set the course of my life, and his. Several times he opens his book bag, takes out his composition book, and reads his essay. I can see that he's nervous.

"Do you want to read your essay before we get to school."

"Nope. I want it to be a surprise."

"Okay, kiddo. Do you want to go to the movies this afternoon? Just us guys. Do you want me to ask my dad if he wants to go with us?"

"Do you think he would go? I like your dad."

"He likes you too. Let's call him. Grab my phone out of my pocket."

Billy puts the phone in my lap, and when I get to a red light, I call my father. "Hey, what are you doing this afternoon?"

"Not much. Your mother wants me to clean out the garage, and I am in no mood to tackle that mess. What do you have in mind?"

"Billy has a short school day, and we are going to the movies this afternoon. Want to join us?"

"You bet I do. Can you pick me up?"

"Sure. I'll call you when we leave school."

Billy is grinning from ear to ear. "I like having a guys day out."

"Me too, kiddo. I haven't had that since I got hurt."

Billy looks sad. "Did your friends stop being friends with you?"

"Yes," I say with a hint of sadness. So much of my life has changed in a short amount of time, and it hurts knowing that this is just another part of my life that will never be the same. I can't worry about any of this because I can't change how people react to my injury.

"I'm sorry, Mike."

"Why would you be sorry?"

"You look sad. I didn't mean to make you sad."

"I'm not sad, Billy. I can't change what happened to me, so I have to adjust and live my life. If my friends find it difficult being my friend, I can't force them."

"Yeah. I feel sad, too, because some of the kids in my class stare at my leg. When we had recess yesterday, I had to sit and watch everyone run around the playground. Jake, he's the boy who sits in front of me, sat with me, and we read comic books. It's not fair. I want to play, too, but I can't."

"Life isn't fair, Billy, and the kids in your class don't understand what has happened to you."

"I know, but it still sucks!"

"It sure does kiddo, but we have each other."

"Yeah. Best buddies!"

"Best buddies, always."

oOo

When we arrive at school, Billy takes me to his classroom, and as soon as I walk through the door, I see what Billy means about the kids in his class, treating him differently. Several of the parents stare at him, and that pisses me off. Billy is nervous, and when I place a comforting hand on his shoulder, he looks up at me with those innocent brown eyes that could melt anyone's heart. I give him a wink, and he smiles at me. After he takes his seat, I join the other parents who stand around the perimeter of the room. The teacher, Ms. Cunningham, greets everyone.

"Thank you, parents, for accompanying your children to our special day. The children have worked very hard on their essay's, and after class, we will have a special lunch for everyone. Who would like to read their essay first?"

When no child raises their hand, Billy raises his hand and says, "I would, Ms. Cunningham."

I am so proud of Billy as he walks to the front of the class and stands behind a small podium. He looks over at me, and I wink again. He gives me a little smile and takes a deep breath.

"My essay is about my best friend, Mike. I met Mike when I was in the hospital after I hurt my leg. Mike hurt his arm, and I liked talking to him. It's so cool that he lives next door to me. I was sad about my leg, and he was sad about his arm. Mike told me that I could do anything if I want it bad enough. I want to be a doctor like Mike. He is a great doctor. He helps to fix people's hearts. It's an important job. I want to do something important when I grow up. Someday soon, Mike will be my new dad. I think my dad in heaven would like Mike. He is my best buddy, and I am his best buddy."

Before I can stop myself, I walk to the front of the classroom, get down on my knees, and hug Billy. His arms go around my neck, and I whisper to him, "I will be so proud to one day be your new dad. I love you, kiddo."

"I love you too, Mike," he whispers back to me.

The parents and some of the kids are clapping. When I stand, I say to the kids, "How would you like to see my rotating hand? It's so cool when it spins."

I take off my suit jacket, roll up my sleeve, and take off the cover. After pressing a few buttons, my hand rotates slowly, and the kids are up and out of their seats. After several minutes of entertaining screaming kids, I say to them, "Billy and I had a bad thing happen to us, but it doesn't change who we are inside. Some people are afraid of what they do not know. We just look a little different than everyone else. Would you like to touch my hand?"

Several of the children nod, yes, and a few of them also take a closer look at Billy's leg. A few of them touch his leg, and I can see that the attitude of some of the kids has changed. This is a good thing. I want Billy to be able to talk about his prosthesis, and in doing so, I just took a massive leap in healing my own wounds. This has been a spectacular day, and when it's time for lunch, Billy practically drags me to the cafeteria. While we make our way down the food line, Billy looks up at me and smiles.

"I'm starving. Oh, look, they have ice cream!"

I laugh at his exuberance. "What would happen if you didn't have ice cream for one day?"

"I would probably faint. I really like ice cream. Mom said that I was probably reincarnated from a cow or something because I like all things milk."

"Your mom is probably right. I've never seen anyone other than you eat so much ice cream."

"I know. Mom said she is going broke buying it for me."

"I wish your mom was here today. She would have loved hearing your essay." As I say those words, I see Rebecca walk into the cafeteria.

"Hey, kiddo. Look over there." I point to the doorway, and when Billy sees his mom, he jumps out of his seat and walks towards her. Rebecca opens her arms, and Billy walks into her loving embrace. My heart does a little flip-flop as I watch my family embrace. Yes, they are my family, and I have never been as happy as I am now.

I think about Lauren and what she had said to me with sadness. It's not easy because for so long, I never knew that she was unhappy. It also makes me sad to think about how the job that I genuinely love destroyed my relationship. I will be so happy when this fucking year is over. Rebecca and Billy sit on either side of me, and Rebecca kisses me sweetly. Billy is beyond excited.

"Mom, I thought you had to work. Did you hear my essay? I read it without making a mistake."

"I did hear it, and your dad would be proud of you. Mike and I are proud of you. I snuck out of work for an hour or two. I would never miss one of your special school days."

"Mike, can I visit Dad before we go to the movies? I want to tell him about today, and I want to tell him about you."

Rebecca looks at me, and I can see that she is trying to hold back the tears. "We can go visit your dad anytime you want to, Billy. All you have to do is ask."

Rebecca leans in and whispers in my ear, "I love you to the moon and back."

I reach over, link my fingers with hers, and bring her hand to my lips. "Me too, baby, me too."

oOo

Billy and I drive to my parent's house to pick up my father. He's sitting on the porch, and he looks like a sad little boy. When he gets in the car, he looks over at me.

"What's wrong, Dad?"

"Your mother is mad at me because I refuse to clean out the garage. She rolled her eyes when I told her that we are going to the movies."

"What is so important about a clean garage?"

My father sighs and stares out the window. "I have no idea, but after forty-two years of marriage, I have learned to keep my mouth shut."

Billy is in the back seat, and he is laughing.

"What's so funny back there, Billy boy?" my dad asks.

"Granny put you in a timeout. I think that's funny for a grown up!"

"Oh...well...I guess you're right."

I tell my dad, "Billy wants to visit his father before we go to the movies."

My dad looks over at me and nods his head. I look in the rearview mirror, and I see Billy yanking on his seat belt. I've quickly come to realize that Billy is nervous when he does that. When we arrive at the cemetery, my father remains in the car, and Billy and I walk across the grass. It startles me when he reaches out to hold my hand. My throat tightens as I link my fingers with his. His hand compared to mine, is small, and fragile, just like his heart. When we reach Ben's grave, Billy squeezes my hand. He reaches into his pocket, takes out a toy car, and places it on top of the headstone.

"Hi, Dad," he says in a timid voice. "It's just me visiting today with my friend, Mike. I want to tell you about my essay that I wrote for school."

I listen to Billy as he talks to his father.

"I didn't make a mistake. The teacher gave me an A plus. You would like Mike. He's my best buddy. Mom really likes him. Dad, someday Mike wants to be my new dad. I hope that's okay with you, and I'll never forget you, and I will always visit you and talk to you."

"That's right, Ben. I love Rebecca and the kids very much, and I promise to always take care of them. You have my word that I will be a good father and husband."

A gentle breeze swirls around us, and when I look up, I see a rainbow in the sky. "Look up, Billy! Look at the rainbow!"

"That's Dad saying it's okay for you to be my new dad!"

"Yes, it is kiddo. That's what it is. Rainbows are good luck."

"Yeah, good luck. Can you take a picture? I want to show it to Mom and Susan."

I take a few pictures, and once we are in the car, I text Rebecca and send her a picture of the rainbow.

I talked to Ben and told him how much I love you and the kids. He sent us a rainbow.

Oh, the rainbow is so beautiful, I want to cry.

Only happy tears, honey. No more sad tears.

Yes, only happy tears.
Chapter 26

Today is the one-year anniversary of the shooting. I start the day a little apprehensive, but when I roll over in bed and look at Rebecca, the tension leaves me. Our relationship over the past few months has grown stronger. I practically live at her house, and I finally feel that the time is right to propose. I've vacillated about this for a few months, and I never found the exact right time to ask Rebecca to marry me. I want to mark this day with something happy, and not dwell on the past. My life has surprisingly returned to a somewhat normal state. Carol has been an invaluable asset to me since September, and she makes my job easy.

My caseload has increased, and when I found myself inadvertently slipping back into my old routine, I panicked. Rebecca takes none of my shit, and when she feels I'm overdoing it, she gets in my face. Last month she called me and ordered me to get my ass home because Susan wanted me to read her a bedtime story. That got to me, and I make a conscious effort to be out of my office by five-thirty. Lauren and Bruce no longer work in the hospital, and while I am happy to see them gone, I get no satisfaction from the fact that she left a job that she loved.

Yesterday, while I was still in the office, I called Richard.

"Hey, Mike, what's up?"

"I want to invite you and Pat to my parent's house in Cape May tomorrow afternoon. I'm asking Becky to marry me on the one year anniversary of the shooting. I want this day to be a happy memory for us, and I don't want to dwell on the past."

"Aw, Mike, I think that's a great idea. Pat and I will be happy to share this day with you. Are you nervous about proposing?"

"I don't know why, but I'm a little nervous. It's not like we haven't talked about this for the past few months. I've had the rings since the summer, but I've never found the right time to propose. Now is the right time."

"Are you asking for my blessing, Mike?"

"Yes, I guess I am asking for your blessing."

Richard laughs into the phone. "Mike, you've had my blessing since day one. My daughter and the kids are happy. You've changed their lives, and that's all that I want for them. I couldn't be happier welcoming you to our family."

"Becky and the kids also changed my life. When I was in the hospital, I couldn't imagine looking forward one year. That's how despondent I was at the time. Meeting Billy was a fluke, and for as long as I live, I will always cherish that day, because it led me to Becky. I hope you know that I love them and will protect them always."

"I know you love them, Mike. I see it in the way that you interact with the kids. I see it in the way that you look at my daughter."

"Well, I feel much better now that I've talked to you. I'll text you the address, and I'll see you sometime tomorrow."

"We'll be there."

"Thanks, Richard. See you tomorrow."

oOo

It's Saturday morning, and I am up and out of bed before Becky, which is rare, but nonetheless, I need a few minutes to call my parents. I sneak down to the kitchen and place the call.

My mother answers the phone. "I am so excited about today."

"So am I, and my stomach is talking to me. Is the house ready?"

"Yes. Your father and I set up everything last night. The house looks really nice, but it's cold by the ocean. Make sure the kids dress warmly and make sure they wear boots. We'll have the fire pit going, but it's still cold."

"The kids really love the house, and I am sure they will be excited to walk on the beach, no matter how cold it is."

"It makes your father and I happy knowing that this house will stay in the family long after we are gone."

"Stop talking about that, Mom. You're still young!"

"Of course, I am! I had you when I was twenty-two. It makes me sad that I wasn't able to have more children. I don't want that for you, Mike. Have babies and have a wonderful life. You most certainly deserve to have a happy life."

"I never imagined one year ago today that my life would be the way it is now. I have an instant family, and I love them with my whole heart."

"That's the way it should be, Mike. Do you remember when I said that your life might be different, but it could be so much better?"

"Yes, I do. At that time, I couldn't see my future, but now, it's all I think about. My future with a wife and children, a job that I love, and parents that I treasure. And yes, my life is...perfect."

"What are you doing, Mike?" I hear Susan ask me. When I turn around, she is standing in the doorway. "I am talking to my mom, squirt. What are you doing up so early?"

"I'm thirsty. Can I have some milk?"

"Gotta go," I say to my mother. "The little princess wants milk."

"Okay honey. See you later today. Drive safely."

"Always Mom. I have precious cargo."

After disconnecting the call with my mother, I open the refrigerator and take out the milk. "Can I have cereal too, Mike. I'm hungry."

"Would you like pancakes instead of cereal?"

"With chocolate chips?"

"Of course. You don't make pancakes without chocolate chips."

"Can I help?"

"You can stir the batter. Let me get it started for you."

As I move about the kitchen, it still surprises me how efficient I have become with cooking. My prosthesis is now a part of my body, and I sometimes forget that I'm wearing it. After I pour the dry batter in the bowl and pour in the milk, I help Susan stir the mixture. She's making a mess, and I couldn't be happier.

"I want to add the chocolate!" she screams at me.

"Be quiet sweetheart. You'll wake your mom and Billy."

"Too late," I hear behind me. Billy drags himself into the kitchen and falls into the chair.

"I'm hungry. When can we eat breakfast?"

No time like the present to speak to the kids. I help Susan off the chair and place the bowl of batter on the countertop. I grab a chair and sit between the kids. Billy looks at me with a worried expression on his face.

"What's wrong, Mike? You look nervous."

Nervous doesn't come close to how I feel at the moment. "Um...I want to talk to both of you before your mother wakes up. Today is an important day for me. It's been one year since I got shot, and I don't want this day to be a sad day for us. Do you remember when I told the two of you that I want to be your new dad? Well, I want to ask you an important question, and I want you to be honest with me."

Both kids look at me solemnly. I'm making a mess of this, so I take a deep breath and spill my guts. "I want to ask your mom to marry me today, and I want to know if it is okay with the two of you."

Susan slides off her chair and climbs onto my lap. "I think Daddy is happy in Heaven because Mommy is happy. She laughs a lot, and she plays with me. Mommy doesn't cry anymore."

I look over at Billy, and he is smiling. "I miss having a dad, and I like that you live here most of the time. Mom was sad for a long time. I know she cried a lot, and she thought I didn't hear her. If you want to marry Mom and she says yes, then it's okay with me. I really want you to be my new dad."

"Me too," Susan says as she wraps her arms around my neck. My mind goes to a place in the near future where I hold our baby in my arms. I've never wanted anything so badly in my entire life.

"I have a special surprise for your mom when we get to the shore house."

Susan whispers, "I like surprises!"

Billy agrees. "Me too!"

I am still holding Susan in my arms when Rebecca walks into the kitchen. The love of my life is not a morning person and ignores us as she walks over to the coffee pot. I deposit Susan in her chair, and as I stand in front of the stove cooking breakfast for my family, I say a prayer of thanks.

"What do you guys have planned for the day?" I ask over my shoulder as I flip the pancakes and plate them.

"Not much," Rebecca responds. "Why, do you want to do something?"

"Mom and Dad are at the shore house, and they invited us down for dinner. Dad wants to break in his brand-new fire pit. I thought it would be a nice day for the kids to see the beach in winter. It's not too cold today."

"That sounds great," Billy says around a mouthful of food. "When can we leave?"

"After we get dressed. Is that soon enough for you, kiddo?"

"Yeah. I like that house."

"Me too," Susan chimes in.

I've taken the kids to the shore house several times since our first trip, and thankfully, they are no longer afraid of getting in the car. And as a bonus, they have stopped arguing with each other. We are out of the house and in the car by ten thirty. After a quick trip to the Pretzel Factory for our usual snacks, we hit the road. I still have to sit with the kids, and honestly, I like it very much. This time I pick the movie.

"What are we going to watch, Mike?" Susan asks me.

"I thought we would watch The Sound of Music."

Billy moans next to me. "Oh, man, that's a girl's movie."

"I know," I say as I poke him with my finger. "Didn't we watch Godzilla the last time we went to the shore house? Isn't that a boy's movie? And didn't Susan scream the whole way home?"

"Okay. I guess you can watch it. Maybe I'll take a nap."

All I can do is laugh. I look over ten minutes later, and Billy is asleep. Rebecca sings along with the movie, and Susan is in seventh heaven because she gets to watch a girls movie without Billy bothering her. I close my eyes and listen to Rebecca's sweet voice, sing, "I Have Confidence." The melodic sound of her voice goes straight to my heart. Along the way, I text my mother. Rebecca has no idea what she is walking into.

We are on the road now. Did you do what I asked?

Mom responds a few minutes later. Of course, I did. Stop worrying. Rebecca will love it.

Thanks, Mom. I'm a little nervous.

Of course, you are. This is a big day for you.

Yeah. I've waited for this day for what feels like forever.

You deserve all of the happiness life can give to you, son. We love you so much.

The feeling is mutual, Mom. I got the kid's permission to propose.

I can't wait to see their faces. The sunroom looks magical.

Thanks, Mom. Love you.

Love you too, my precious son.

oOo

We arrive at our house a little after one in the afternoon, and the kids are excited to see the ocean in the winter. The weather is cloudy, and the surf is a bit rough, but that doesn't seem to bother the kids. After a short walk along the beach, my parents are on the porch, and my mother is waving at us to come into the house.

"Mom and Dad want to take the kids to the movies. We'll enjoy the fire pit later in the day." I lean in and whisper to Rebecca, "We get to be alone for three to four hours. Be quiet and enjoy it."

I give the kids a secret wink, and they laugh and giggle as my parents scoop them up and get them into the car.

"What's going on, Mike? This is a little too convenient. What are you hiding from me?"

"I'm not hiding anything. Mom and Dad want to take the kids out for a few hours. Let's go into the house. It's cold, and I need something warm." I give her ass a little pinch, and Rebecca swats my hand and smiles at me. I love her so much.

Once we are in the house and shed our coats, I take her hand in mine as we climb the steps to our bedroom. My mother gave Rebecca carte blanche to decorate the room, and she did a fantastic job. The centerpiece of the room is a king size mahogany sleigh bed, with matching furniture and bed tables. The bedding and curtains are a combination of black, gray, and white geometric blocks. The walls are painted a soft gray, and the matching area rugs are a stark contrast to the dark wood floors. This room is the one place where Rebecca and I can have absolute solitude.

"Do you hear that?" I ask her.

Confused, she says, "I don't hear anything."

"Exactly my point, sweetheart. We have total silence. Isn't it wonderful?" Rebecca falls onto the bed, pulling me with her.

"What should we do with our time while the kids are out of the house?" She asks me.

I know what I'd like to do but now is not the time. "Let's get undressed and climb under the warm comforter. I want to hold you in my arms and relax."

"Ah, relax. I forgot what it feels like to be still for a few hours."

It's a race to see who can undress the quickest, and as clothing flew in every direction, Rebecca giggles and tosses her bra in my face. Once we are under the covers, I pull her into my body and close my eyes.

"This is nice," she whispers to me. "I love it when we do this. I like the closeness that I feel when you hold me this way. How are you feeling today, you know, with the anniversary being today?"

"I like it too, baby, and I feel good. I didn't want today to be about looking backward and reliving everything. I've done enough of that, and now that the first year is behind me, I only see good things for my future."

"You've come so far since you've met Joe. He's really helped you to adjust and to move forward. I'm so proud of you, Mike, and so grateful to you for giving the kids and me a new life."

"I should be the one thanking you, sweetheart. I feel like myself again. I don't constantly rehash the events, and now that Lauren and Bruce are no longer a constant reminder, I feel pretty damn good. And this," I squeeze her fine ass, "is the best part of my day. I look forward to the end of the day just to have a few minutes with you before we fall asleep."

"Mine too. Life gets so hectic with work and the kids that it's difficult to find a few quiet minutes. All I want to do now is take a nap."

"How sad is it that I have a gorgeous, sexy woman in my arms, and all I want to do is take a nap with you."

"You are a parent now whether you realize it or not, and taking a nap is a rare and precious thing not to be taken lightly. Nap time is crucial to our mental health."

I laugh because it's true. "I've never realized how active the kids are until I started sleeping at your house. It freaked me out a little the first time Susan came into our room and stood by the bed. I had the strangest feeling that someone was watching me, and when I opened my eyes, Susan was staring at me. I wasn't sure if sleeping in your bed was a good or a bad idea."

"We talked about it a few times, and they understand that when you love someone, sleeping together is a normal part of the relationship. I like waking up with you every day. I can't sleep without you next to me. I love you, Mike."

"I love you too, honey. Close your eyes and relax."

oOo

The next time I open my eyes, Susan is once again standing by the bed, only this time, she's tugging on my arm. I really need to get a lock on that door, I think to myself.

"Get up, Mike. Granny wants you to come downstairs. It's time for dinner."

I whisper to her, "Tell Granny we'll be down in a few minutes. Are you excited?"

"Yeah, super excited."

Once Susan leaves the room, I gently nudge Rebecca. "Get up, baby. It's time for dinner."

"Don't want to. The bed is too warm. Move closer to me. I need to kiss you."

Rebecca rolls over and places her hand on my cheek. "I had such a nice dream about you."

"You did? What was the dream?" I ask as I nibble her neck.

"I dreamed that we were on a beach, laying in a hammock. The sun had just set, and the water looked calm and peaceful. You had your foot in the sand, and as the hammock swayed to and fro, we watched the sunset. Ah, I hate to wake up."

"Sounds like a fantastic dream. Want to make it a reality?"

"Yeah, someday I'd like for us to go someplace warm and sunny, and just escape from the real world for a few days. That would be fantastic."

Storing this piece of information away for further consideration, I move my lips up to her sweet mouth and sink into heaven. "Every time I kiss you," I whisper to her, "I want more of you. I'll never be able to express just how much I love you, sweetheart. You own my soul. You own me, all of me, good and bad."

"You show me every day how much you love me. I don't need sweet words. I need you."

I feel myself becoming aroused and pull away from her. Taking a deep breath to get the beast under control, I say, "We'd better get up before I start something I can't finish. Mom and Dad are waiting for us downstairs."

Rebecca touches my face again. "I'd rather stay in bed and make love to you. Who needs food?"

"I do," I say as I pat her perfect ass. "Get up and get dressed, or the kids will be banging on the door."

"Okay, okay."

Five minutes later, we're dressed, and when we reach the bottom of the steps, the house is dark. "Hey, where is everyone?" I yell out into the darkness.

"We're in the sunroom," I hear my mom say. Whatever she has planned for us, I know it will be spectacular. Goosebumps run up and down my spine as we follow the sound of voices. Rebecca is in front of me and stops dead in her tracks when she sees the sparkling lights strung along the interior of the glass sunroom.

"Oh, look at the lights, it's so beautiful, and they look like twinkling stars."

I stare transfixed as hundreds of twinkling lights strung along the glass walls and ceiling of the sunroom twinkle like stars, and it's so beautiful. In the center of the table is a huge bouquet of pink and white roses, which are Rebecca's favorite flowers. Along the glass wall that faces the back of the house is a sideboard with several warming trays along with my mother's best china. Whatever my mother cooked smells fantastic. The kids are bouncing in their seats.

Looking to my left, I see the faces of the people who have become very important to me. Joe and his wife Jean, Matt and his wife Emily, Ralph and Gina, and Richard and Pat. I am taken aback when I look at Gina's little round stomach. She sees me looking at her baby bump and smiles.

As we walk closer to the table, Rebecca grabs my hand and whispers to me, "What's the occasion? Did we miss an anniversary or a birthday?"

"No, we didn't miss anything. Mom and Dad always do stuff like this."

"Look at the lights, Mommy. Aren't they pretty?" Susan asks.

"Yes, they are honey. Granny and Gramps did a good job decorating the sunroom."

My father hands Rebecca and me our champagne flutes, and the kids get ginger ale. Rebecca looks confused, and I fight the urge to laugh. I wink at the kids. It's time to seal the deal. I turn to face Rebecca.

"I didn't want this day to be a sad one. I have so much to be thankful for," I say as I glance around the room.

"Mom, Dad, you will never know how much I love you, and I thank you for standing by me and supporting me during my recovery. I know I've put you through tough days, and I am very grateful to you for everything you've done for me, before and after the shooting. It's easy losing focus when you're too busy wrapped up in living your life, and after I had mine ripped away from me, the two of you became my fiercest support system. It wasn't easy admitting that I needed help, and you were there for me, physically and emotionally. I thank you from the bottom of my heart, and I love you, fiercely."

"Richard, Pat, I love your daughter with my whole heart. I love Susan and Billy as if they're my children. In my heart, I am their dad, and I will always love and protect them."

"Joe, you literally saved my life. I'll never be able to adequately thank you for helping me through the darkest time in my life. You have become an essential part of my life."

I turn to face Ralph and Gina. "We met under rather difficult circumstances, and through tragedy grew a deep friendship. I am so happy that you can be with us on this special day. And can I say that I am thrilled to see your little baby bump."

"Last but not least, Matt. We've known each other since college. I remember the first day that we started working together. Two young, ambitious doctors with delusions of grandeur. We didn't realize at the time how much hard work was needed to succeed, but we did succeed. When I was shot, the first thought that came to my mind was my career. I was terrified that I would lose my edge because of my disability. You didn't treat me any differently when I returned to work. In fact, you dumped a ton of new cases on my desk and told me to get my ass moving. That is exactly what I needed at the time and still, need. I lost a lot of friends along this crazy journey, and I'm so thankful that you were not one of them."

I turn to face Rebecca. "I guess you are wondering what all of this is about. This is for you, honey. I want to do something special for you. I have so much to say to you, and I don't know where to start." I take a deep breath to control my nerves. I feel the sweat trickling down my back, and my arm is sweating.

"The best day of my life was the day that I met Billy because he led me to you. From the first moment that I saw you, I knew in my heart that I'd met an amazing woman. Your strength and your capacity to love is what got me through the darkest time in my life. I've made mistakes, some that I can't take back, but you never gave up on me. You told me straight on what you wanted and did not want in our relationship. I realized that I had to face my fears and my insecurities if I wanted you and the kids in my life. You supported me and helped me to regain who I am as a man. I stand before you today a grateful man because, without you and the kids, I don't know where I'd be today, and that's the truth."

"You are my angel, my compass, and my future. I want to start and end the day, holding you in my arms. I cannot imagine not being able to love you for the remainder of my life. I want to share my life with you. I want to be a father to Billy and Susan. I know nothing in life is guaranteed, but if I don't ask you to marry me, I'll regret it until I take my final breath, because my heart tells me that you are the love of my life. Rebecca, will you marry me?"

Rebecca puts her glass on the table and opens her arms to me, and I gladly walk into her embrace. She looks up at me with glassy eyes.

"I've waited for this day for what feels like forever, and I am happy that you chose today to ask me to marry you. I knew right away that I wanted to share my life with you. I love you. The kids love you. What more could we ask for? I run home at the end of the day to my little family, to my small piece of heaven. I would be honored to be your wife, and my answer is yes, I will marry you."

I get down on one knee and take the ring out of the box. Billy and Susan stand on either side of me as I officially say the words, "Rebecca Montgomery, will you please marry me and make my life complete?"

"Yes, a thousand times, yes! I will marry you!"

I look up at her with tears running down my face as I slide the ring onto her finger. The kids have their arms around me as I hold Rebecca's hand, and I now have what I've always wanted...a family. I get up from my kneeling position and kiss Rebecca like a starved man. I feel liberated. I feel euphoric. I feel loved.
Chapter 27

One Year Later

One month from today, Becky will be my wife. I still find it hard to believe how my life has changed since I've met her. We're moving to our new house in a few days, and needless to say, it's been a little hectic. I'm not much help with lifting boxes, but I do what I can. The last area to tackle is the basement, and that's where I find her crying.

"What are you doing, sweetheart?"

"Oh, just reminiscing about the past. I feel sad today, and as hard as I try to get past it, I can't."

I open a beach chair and sit next to her. My eyes focus on the open wedding album on her lap. "Talk to me, honey. Why are you crying?"

"I feel like I am saying goodbye to Ben for the second time in my life. I don't know why I feel so depressed, but I do. I've taken a walk down memory lane, and here I am sitting in the basement looking through Ben's steamer trunk. I've compartmentalized our life together and stuffed all of it into this trunk, and as I sit here holding our wedding album, I can't stop the tears."

I watch Becky as she slowly turns the pages. Her hands shake as she traces her finger across one of the pictures.

"I've been on an emotional rollercoaster this past week. Yesterday I had my final fitting, and I cried like a baby."

I reach out for her hand and raise it to my lips. "It's understandable. Up until a few months ago, the wedding was in the distant future. Now, it's only a few weeks away, and you're reliving your first wedding. It's okay honey."

"I feel like I'm ruining what should be a happy time for us."

"Why would you think that way?"

"I don't know. I think I need to visit Ben before the wedding."

"Do you want me to come with you?"

"Yes. I need to put the past to rest, and I can't do that until I've talked to Ben."

"Just remember that I love you, and I understand how you feel. Once we're married, and in our new home, you'll feel more settled."

"I guess all of the last minute wedding preparation and moving to our new house has brought up a few sad memories. The last time I did this, I was leaving the house that Ben, and I bought together."

"It's different this time, sweetheart. You're leaving this house and moving into our new house, the house that we bought as a family. The kids are so excited and can't wait for the wedding, and I can't wait for the wedding night."

I gently take the album from her hands and place it back into the trunk. I hate that she still feels upset, and at the same time, I do understand how she feels. It's not easy saying goodbye once again, and even though this is a happy time for us, old memories never die.

oOo

I can see that Becky is a bundle of nerves as we drive to the cemetery. I am fighting the urge to take her home. This visit will not be a good one because she will say her final goodbye to Ben. I don't want to start our new life together with Becky having unresolved feelings. I'm not a prick saying this. I just want her heart to be free from the past, and open to the future, our future.

"Put your hand on my leg, honey." This is our version of holding hands in the car.

"Sorry, I'm a little nervous."

"It's okay baby. Nothing to worry about." A few minutes later, we stop at our usual spot and I get out of the car, open the back door and take out the bouquet of flowers.

"I have so much to say to Ben, and I know in my heart that this will be the last time that I will visit him. I need to put the past where it belongs, in the past. A part of my heart will always love Ben, and I want a clean slate when I marry you next month. At one time, I needed to feel close to Ben, and my visits helped to ease the ache in my soul. Now that I have you in my life, coming to the cemetery no longer feels peaceful to me."

My heart thumps in my chest as I approach his grave. I see all of the little toy cars that Billy has left for his father over the years. The cemetery caretaker is kind enough not to remove them from the base of Ben's headstone. Becky kneels down in the grass and set the flowers in the little vase next to his name.

"Hi, Ben, it's me. I want to visit you one last time before Mike, and I get married next month. We've bought a new house, and the kids are so excited to have larger rooms. Billy has grown so much in the last two years, and he is your mini-me. He's so active; I can hardly believe how much he's changed since you've left us. Susan is more outgoing now that she has Mike in her life. They miss you every day, and Mike and I keep you alive in their hearts."

"I found our wedding album today as I was packing to move. I can't believe that it's been four years since you've left us. I think about you every day. I looked at all of our pictures and remembered how happy we were that day. I never thought I would find someone else to love, but I did. I love Mike so much, and I am so grateful that he loves the kids and me. We're happy, Ben, and I feel guilty for being happy. I feel guilty because you will never see our children grow into adulthood. Mike is so good to them and good for them."

"I've come to say goodbye, Ben. I can't do this anymore. I can't start a new life with Mike while I still feel tied to the past. As much as I will always love you, my love for you is in the past. Mike is my future. I hope you understand why this hurts so much. Every time I come here, I feel pulled into memories of our life together, and it's not fair to Mike. I know he understands how I feel, but it's been four years, and it's time to put the past to rest. Watch over our children and keep them safe. I love you, Ben. Goodbye."

I watch as Becky digs a small hole deep into the ground by his headstone and buries her wedding ring.

"I've kept my engagement ring and will give it to Billy when he finds his special love. I want that so much for our sweet boy. I don't want him to hide from the world, and I know that with Mike as his father, our son will thrive and have a happy life."

Becky buries her face in her hands and lets four years of sadness flow from her. "I finally have closure, and it's a hollow feeling."

I place my hand in hers, lifting her off the grass. My arms engulf her, and as she rests her head on my shoulder, she lets go of everything that has tied her to the past.

"Are you okay honey? I hate seeing you cry."

"Yeah. I'm okay. The past is where my memories of Ben need to be, in the past. Next month starts my new life, and I can't do that if I keep getting pulled into the past."

"It's time to say goodbye, sweetheart. I understand why you had to do this, and I agree that it's time to look to the future."

"So, why do I feel so horrible?"

"It's okay to grieve the loss of someone that you loved, but it's not healthy to relive those memories. You can put the past in a special place where you only have good memories. All of the pain, along with Billy's injury, are in the past honey. Billy is thriving, and he's happy. That's what you need to remember."

"You are so patient with me when I slide back into the past. I try not to do it, but sometimes, it sneaks up on me, and I can't help how I feel."

"Believe me, I do understand. I still have those moments when it all comes rushing back, but as Joe has told me a few dozen times, I focus on the present. Next month you will be my wife, and I can't wait for that day."

"Neither can I. I want so much to be your wife, and hopefully a mother to your babies."

"Well, we have been working on that for the past few months, and it's been sssooo much fun."

"And if my suspicions are correct, we may have hit the nail on the head. I'm late, and I'm not sure if it's because I'm nervous about the wedding, or if I'm pregnant."

"Are you serious? How late are you?"

"I'm two weeks late."

Whatever sadness that I saw on Becky's face vanishes at the thought of being pregnant. "Let's take the test today. I want to know when you walk down the aisle if you carry my baby under your heart. I want to know today."

"So do I. I only realize this morning that there is a good possibility that I'm pregnant."

"And if you're not," I say sinfully, "We'll have a hell of a good time on the honeymoon."

"Is that all you think about?"

"Honestly? With you, it's like breathing. My entire being needs you. I always made fun of my parents because they always seemed to have the secret to a happy marriage. Now I know what it means to feel so connected to someone that life without that person is unimaginable. I want nothing more than to stand by you for as long as I live. I want to raise our children and watch them spread their wings and fly. I want to see your face when I take my final breath."

"Ah, you know how to get to me, Mike."

"That's a good thing, right?"

"Yes, so good. Let's get the test and go home."

My head is spinning when we pull up outside the drug store. I know we've been trying to have a baby, but now that it's a possibility, I don't want to get my hopes up until she takes the test and sees the doctor. I watch Becky as she walks into the store. She looks so calm, while I'm anything but calm.

A few minutes later, we're on the road, and she says to me, "If we're not pregnant, we'll keep trying. Don't get upset if it's negative."

I rub my forehead to stop a sudden headache that is creeping up my neck. "I can't promise that I won't get disappointed. Whatever the test says, I love you, honey."

"I love you too, Mike, and I really want to be pregnant."

"So do I, baby. So do I."

When we arrive home, the kids are occupied with their friends and don't notice us coming into the house. We sneak up to our bedroom and close the door. Becky practically rips the box open as she runs to the bathroom. By the time I walk into the bathroom, she's on the toilet with the test in her hand. I look down at her, and I laugh at the look on her face.

"Don't look at me, or I won't be able to pee. Turn around; you're making me nervous."

I laugh again and turn to face the door. "I have seen you pee before, darling."

"I know, but this is different. I have to concentrate."

"Concentrate on peeing? It's not rocket science, honey."

"Oh, just shut up and let me pee."

God, she makes me laugh. After she's done the deed, I sit on the edge of the tub and watch the digital display blink a few times. Then, I see the words "not pregnant." A myriad of emotions hit me all at once, but the one that hits close to home is sadness. I look up at Becky and see tears in her eyes. I kneel before her, and she wraps her arms around me.

"I really want to have a baby," she whispers against my ear.

"I know sweetheart. We'll keep trying. I know it will happen for us. We have to be patient. It's only been a few months since we've stopped using protection."

"What if I never get pregnant? I know you want a child of your own."

My heart breaks at hearing those words because they're true. I do want a child, but if it never happens for us, I already have two perfect children downstairs that I love with my whole heart. "I won't lie and say that I don't want children with you, but if it never happens, we already have two wonderful kids that I will love until I am old and gray."

"It's not the same as having your own children."

"Why isn't it the same? You have given me the one thing that I've always wanted in my life. I come home every night to a madhouse, and I love it. Susan and Billy are my children, and in a few weeks, you will be my wife. I never thought this would happen to me after the shooting. I told my father that having a family was no longer an option for me. So you see honey, I am blessed in this life because I finally have love in my heart. Our life together is so precious to me. You are my...everything."

oOo

I thought I loved Becky, but what I feel now goes far beyond love. I feel a closeness to her that I thought was not possible. And now, as I lay awake listening to her soft snoring, I know that there is no other place on this earth where I want to be.

It's past one in the morning, and my eyes are glued open. We move to our new house tomorrow morning, and I'm so tired that I can't sleep, so I get up and sit in the chair by the window. My mind relives the past two years and the many happy memories I have in this house. My house sold a few weeks ago, and it feels strange seeing someone else looking out of the kitchen window at this house. So much has happened to me that I still find it hard to believe that this is my life.

Billy and Susan are happy that we are not leaving the neighborhood because of the many friends that they've made in the past two years. I like the fact that I'm moving closer to my parents. Becky's mother-in-law returned the wedding invitation to us unopened, and while it saddens me that she chooses to distance herself from Becky and her grandchildren, my parents more than compensate for her absence from their lives. I don't know how long I've sat here when I hear Becky ask me, "Why are you awake, honey?"

I walk back to bed and climb in. Becky is my magnet, and I immediately curl my body against hers. This is my idea of heaven. "I can't sleep and didn't want to wake you," I whisper to her.

"Is anything wrong?"

"No. Everything is absolutely perfect."

"Mmm...perfect." She says as she falls asleep once again.
Chapter 28

It's the day before the wedding, and the house is quiet. Becky and the kids are at my parent's house, and I miss them. The two moms have been an invaluable asset in making this day perfect for Becky. We are getting married in a grand ballroom of the hotel near our house. This evening my mother and I drove to the hotel because she wants to take one last look at the room before tomorrow.

"Mom, this room is gorgeous." Suddenly, the wedding is very real to me, and I fight back the tears. I want this to be a day that we will always remember. "You and Pat have done an outstanding job of making this day special for us. I don't know how to thank you."

My mother walks into my embrace. "Just be happy, Mike. Your father and I love you very much."

"I love you too, Mom." My throat is tight. "I never thought this would happen to me."

"You've come a long way since that awful day, honey. Now is your time to be happy."

"Yeah. I had to fight for what I wanted and look at me now. I'm about to marry the love of my life. I'm about to be a father. The kids are going to be really excited when I give them the adoption papers. I love them so much, Mom."

"And they love you."

"Yes, they do. I'm a lucky man."

"Rebecca is a nervous wreck because we won't let her see the room until tomorrow. We want this to be a surprise for her."

"She will be surprised and very appreciative that our mothers have taken so much time and effort to make this day special for us."

As we stand in the center of the ballroom, the florist arrives. I've never seen so many flowers in my life. I know I gave my mother a blank check, but this is, well, over the top.

"Mom, do we really need so many flowers?"

"Of course you do. Sit down and be quiet."

Feeling like I'm ten years old again, I sit down and watch the magic happen. The white pergola that is the focal point in the room is transformed into a waterfall of pink and white roses that hang like vines from the top. Lined up in front of the pergola are chairs covered in white velvet and tied back with pink sashes tied into a bow. On each chair, the florist places one pink rose with a little vase at the end of the stem.

And then the real magic happens. The hotel staff enters the ballroom with the table settings. White linen covers each table, along with beautiful white china rimmed in pink, silver flatware, and crystal flutes. Pink and white roses in beautiful crystal vases are placed in the center of each table. I don't know how much time has passed, as I watch the hotel staff working when I feel my mother's hands on my shoulders. I look up at her.

"I can't believe how beautiful this room is. Becky will go nuts when she sees this. I honestly don't know how to thank you." And as I say the words, a long pink carpet is unfurled and lined up with the pergola.

"The look in your eyes is all the 'thank you' that we need. Pat and I love our children, and it was so much fun planning this for the two of you. Let's get out of here and let them finish working. You need a good night's sleep. Tomorrow will be hectic."

"How did you find pink and white china?"

"It was easy. Once I told the wedding planner that the theme color is pink, she showed me several different settings. I chose this one because of the delicate pink circle in the center of the china. It's graceful but subtle. I didn't want the room to look overdone. Pink is not an easy color to work with, but it's Becky's favorite color, so Pat and I had to work around it."

"I think the room looks beautiful." And it does look beautiful, just like my Becky.

oOo

I have to say that sleeping alone in this big bed sucks. My emotions are all over the place after leaving the hotel. I've tossed and turned for a good two hours before I have the brilliant idea to call Becky. I feel guilty for calling her at midnight, but I seriously can't sleep. I need to hear her voice.

"Hello," she says, and it makes me happy that she is also wide awake.

"I see you also can't sleep."

"I miss my warm pillow. I miss you, Mike."

"Ah, baby, I miss you too. I've been tossing and turning for a good two hours. What are you doing?"

"I'm trying without success to sleep. All I can think about is the wedding. It's driving me crazy that I have no idea what our moms have planned for us."

"As long as you show up for the wedding, I don't care if we have clowns and balloons at the reception. I just want to marry you. Are the kids asleep?"

"It took a village to get them into bed. Susan kept looking at her dress and running around the house until she ran out of steam. Billy was glued to the TV, playing games with your dad. It's been an active night. Your mom and mine passed out a few hours ago. The two dads kept Billy company until eleven when I practically had to drag him up the stairs and into bed."

"I hate being here in this house alone. I miss the kids trying to weasel another half an hour before bedtime. I miss you crawling up my back at night. I miss my family."

"I miss you too, Mike. I can't sleep without you next to me. Will you talk to me until I fall asleep?"

And that's what I do. I haven't a clue when I fell asleep, but the next thing I know, the sun coming in the window is hitting me in the face, and the battery on my phone is at ten percent. I'm up and out of bed within minutes, charge my phone, and after a quick breakfast and two cups of coffee, I head upstairs to take a shower and shave. When I reach the top step, my phone rings. It's Lauren. I hesitate to answer her call, but I am curious as to why she is calling me.

"Hello, Lauren."

"Hi, Mike. I'm sorry to bother you. I heard through the grapevine that you're getting married today, and I want to wish you good luck with your marriage."

I am stunned and say, "Thank you, Lauren. It's nice of you to call. How are you?"

"I'm in a good place, Mike. Leaving the city was good for me. I'm getting married next year."

"Congratulations. I wish you the best."

"Thank you. I've had a lot of time to think about our last conversation, and I want to apologize for some of the things that I had said to you. It wasn't fair to blame you for something that was also my fault. I guess I felt guilty for the way I ended our relationship, and I became defensive. That's no excuse for the way I acted. I want you to know that I am truly happy for you. I've spoken to Matt several times, and he speaks fondly of Rebecca. Be happy, Mike."

I'm speechless for several seconds as her words sink in. "It takes two to make or break a relationship. I've come to realize that I was also at fault, and you were right when you said that I ignored you. My job took over my life. Maybe it was for the best that you ended our relationship the way you did. I needed to take a hard look at my life, and I didn't like what I saw. Rebecca and the kids changed my life so much, and I'm no longer the same person. I'm happy that you've found someone to love and congratulations on your engagement."

Lauren sighs into the phone. "I was so nervous about calling you. It's been almost two years since I've seen you. I thought you might still be angry with me, and it's such a relief to know that the anger is gone."

"I won't lie to you, Lauren. It took a while for me to let it go, but I did. Life is too short to be unhappy, and it's obvious to me that we would have been unhappy. Thank you for calling. I wish you well."

"Thanks, Mike. You too."

When I end the call, I call Becky. "You will never guess who just called me." I spend the next several minutes relaying the conversation.

"Wow," Becky says. "That took courage for her to call you."

"Yes, it did, and now I finally have closure. It feels damn good."

"I'm sure that it does. I can't wait to see you."

"I'm dying to see you. I ache in all the right places."

Becky laughs into the phone, and my soul soars.
Chapter 29

As I am about to get dressed, I hear the front door open. It's my father. "Hey, Mike, where are you?"

"In the bedroom."

My dad practically falls onto the bed. "Damn, I'm exhausted." He says with a sigh. "Your mother is running me ragged, and the kids haven't sat still for five minutes."

"Everyone is excited. Today is a big day for all of us."

My dad looks at me, but he might as well be looking through me. He pats the bed, and I sit down and face him. "How are you, Mike?"

"I never thought I would get married. I've never wanted anything more in my life."

"Your mother and I are so thrilled for you son. Rebecca is a beautiful woman, and she loves you so much. The kids are so excited to have a new father. It's all they've talked about for the past week."

I look down at my hand and the last two years flash through my memory. "Somehow, I've forgotten the pain, because my life today is so full of love, and life, and living, that I no longer feel like I will break into a million pieces at what was taken from me. You told me that my life will be different, but I never imagined just how different it would be. For the first time in my life, I am truly happy."

My dad pats my leg. "That's all I've ever wanted for you, son. That awful day will be forever etched into my memory. I told you that I couldn't imagine my life without you in it, and now, when I look at you, I feel so damned proud of you, Mike."

My dad has tears in his eyes, and when I wrap my arm around him, the damn breaks. I cry with him because he's been my best friend my entire life. I hold him against me for several minutes, and when I think back to the days that I tried to end my life, I feel sick at the cavalier way I treated the precious gift of life.

"Look at us," I say to my dad. "Two blubbering idiots. Don't cry in front of Mom, or she'll never let us forget it."

My dad laughs and gets up to leave the room. When he opens the door, he turns and says, "I love you, Mike."

"I love you too, Dad."

oOo

This is it; I think to myself as the limo takes us to the hotel. My dad and Billy are in the limo with me. Billy looks so cool in his tuxedo. "I have to tell you kiddo that you rock in that tuxedo."

"Yeah, I look like a little man. Is it okay if I call you Dad now?"

"You sure can, kiddo."

"Grandpa Harold helped me get dressed. This thing around my waist looks stupid. What is it?"

"It's called a cummerbund. It's part of the package when you get married."

"I still think it's stupid."

"So do I," my dad chimes in. "I'm taking it off when we eat."

"Me too!" Billy says.

And this stupid conversation continues until we reach the hotel. My father-in-law is waiting for us.

"Most of the guests have arrived. Rebecca is still in her room. Damn, I need a drink."

"I think we could all use a drink." I look down at Billy. "Not you, kiddo."

"The bar is already set up. Let's go."

The room looks even more spectacular than it did last night because now the food is set up and then I see the cake. I'm looking at a four-tiered white cake with cascading pink and white flowers. When I look around the room, all of the people that matter most to Becky and me, are with us today. Richard hands me a glass of wine and leads me to the side room where Matt is waiting for me.

"Are you ready to get hitched?" Matt asks as he slaps me on the back.

I take one last look at myself in the mirror. "Ready as I'll ever be."

"You look, good buddy. Are you nervous?"

"Do you remember the first time we assisted in an operation? Do you remember how nervous we were? Multiply that by five. My stomach is a roller coaster at the moment."

Matt pats my arm. "Just remember how long it took you to get to this day."

"It's all I've thought about, Matt. I never thought I would get married."

"Because of your arm?"

"Yeah. All I saw was the disability. Becky saw the real me."

"And she's still with you?"

I laugh. "Yes, she is. I'm fortunate to have her love."

"Yes, you are. Now, let's get you married."

oOo

My dad knocks on the door. "We're ready." I step into the room and stand under the pergola. It looks different from this perspective. I feel enveloped in the scent of sweet flowers, and it feels very intimate. When the wedding march begins to play, I hold my breath and wait for the doors to open. My heart stops beating when the doors open, and I see Susan in her cute pink dress throwing white rose petals on the pink carpet. Her brows furrow in concentration as she slowly walks down the aisle.

Following her, Gina and Jean look beautiful as they proceed down the aisle. Pink seems to be the theme color because their dresses are also a vibrant shade of pink. And then I see my beautiful Rebecca on the arm of her father, and my heart stops beating. Her beauty and her graceful elegance take my breath away. I feel tears sting my eyes, and I fight the swell of emotions that hit me like a sledgehammer. My wife! In a few minutes, Rebecca will be my wife, and as she slowly walks towards me, I say a prayer of thanks for this extraordinary day. Her dress is a simple off the shoulder satin dress, and I've never seen anyone more beautiful in my life. Little pink roses and rhinestones adorn her hair, and all I want to do is run to her and hold her in my arms.

"You look beautiful," I whisper to her when she stands next to me.

"So do you," she whispers back to me as we turn to face the Minister.

"Please be seated. We're all here today to celebrate the relationship of Rebecca Montgomery and Michael Jessup, and to be witnesses and supporters of the commitment they share with one another. Together, we're a group of the most important people in their lives, and they've brought us here today to witness the lifelong commitment they are about to enter into. Who gives Rebecca away in marriage to this man?"

Richard answers proudly, "Her mother and I." He hugs and kisses Rebecca and gives her hand to me, which I take proudly. Billy and Susan look up at me with love in their eyes, and it humbles my heart.

Pastor Johnson continues. "Marriage gives stability and structure to a couple's love. It's a way to tell one another that no matter how much you snore, or how much you spent while out at the shopping mall, we're still in this together. Marriage is telling the person you love that you're not going anywhere, and that's a powerful commitment for two people to make to one another."

"A good marriage must be built on the foundation of this commitment. In marriage, the "little" things are the big things. Are you too old to hold hands? Do you remember to say, "I love you," at least once a day? Do you go to sleep angry? Do you stand together and face what the world throws at you? Do you speak words of appreciation and show gratitude in thoughtful ways? Do you forgive and forget? Do you give each other an atmosphere in which each can grow into the person they are meant to be? Did you marry the right partner, or more importantly, are you the right partner?"

"The road that has brought Rebecca and Michael here today hasn't been easy. It's been filled with challenges that they weren't necessarily prepared for. During the darkest days of Michael's life, he met a young boy named Billy, who transformed his entire world. It wasn't fate that drew Rebecca to buy the house next to his. It was divine intervention. Rebecca, the road traveled by you has been equally difficult. Your capacity to love is endless, and Billy and Susan are lucky to have you as their mother. The roads both of you have traveled could have taken you in many different directions, but by the grace of God, your roads converged, and the end result is a deep and forever love. A special kind of love so pure that it strengthens the commitment you are about to take today."

"In the Bible, First Corinthians Chapter 13, verses four through eight, tells us: Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy; it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude; it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, and always perseveres. Love never fails."

"Rebecca and Michael, the vows that you are about to share with each other today are a way to share your love and commitment to each other in your own words. Sometimes poems, verses, and quotes, just don't get the point across the way you need them to, and the best way is to express how you feel in our own words. Just to do it yourself. These vows are your way of sharing with the people here today your promise to one another as well as to all of those who are here in attendance today."

I turn to face Becky. "My life was forever changed the day that I met you. Because of you, I laugh, I smile, I dare to dream again. I look forward to loving you, and our children for the remainder of my life. I vow to be true and faithful for as long as we both shall live. I love you, Rebecca, with every fiber of my being, and I am so proud to be your husband, and Billy and Susan's father. I want to grow old with you, and when I take my final breath, it will be your name that I whisper." I slide the ring on her finger, then bend down to gently kiss her hand.

Rebecca takes my hand in hers. "Michael, where there has been sadness you have brought happiness. Where there was darkness, you have brought light. I never imagined that I would have a second chance to love someone, and I am so blessed to share my life with you. Whatever lies ahead, good, or bad, we will face it together, because the love that we feel for each other grows stronger each day. My children love you as their father, and I love you with my whole heart. I am so proud to be your wife, and when I take my final breath, it will be your name that I whisper."

I extend my right hand, and Rebecca places the ring on my finger, then bends down and kisses my hand.

Pastor Johnson continues. "The sacrament of marriage changes the dynamics of your relationship. You are now bound together as one heart, and one love. By exchanging vows today, you profess to the world your commitment, your fidelity, and your undying love for each other. The capacity to love is endless, and all that you were, and all that you will ever be will be forever changed. You are no longer two separate people, but one couple for all of your days. It is with great joy that I pronounce you, husband, and wife. Michael, I know you've wanted to kiss Rebecca since the moment she stood before you. Make it a good kiss, Mike. Everyone is watching."

As the entire room erupts with laughter, I slide my hand up to the base of Becky's lovely neck, pull her closer to me, and fuse my lips with hers. This kiss feels different, more meaningful, and more precious to me. Everyone around me disappears as I kiss my wife. "I love you, sweetheart," I whisper against her lips.

"I love you more," she whispers back to me.

oOo

Our first dance as husband and wife is to an old Tom Jones song, "You're My World."

"You are my world," I whisper to her as we dance around the room. I never imagined that what I feel in the core of my being would change, but it did. I'm trying to find the correct adjective to describe how I feel, and one word comes to mind...complete. I feel like the last piece of the puzzle is now in place, and my life is complete.

"And you're my world," Becky whispers back to me. Susan runs onto the dance floor and raises her arms to me. Billy is right behind her. It feels so right sharing our first dance together with the kids. I lift Susan into my arms and dance her around the room. Becky takes it a little slower with Billy. This is, without a doubt, the best day of my life. When the song ends, Richard taps me on the shoulder, and my mother touches my arm.

"You look very handsome honey," my mother says to me as we dance around the floor.

"I feel like I'm suffocating in this cummerbund. I can't wait to take it off."

"Your father threw his under the table. Are you happy, Mike?"

"Yeah. It feels like a whole new chapter of my life is about to begin. I'm so happy, Mom. Thanks for watching the kids. They are super excited for the camp out in the backyard."

"That was your father's idea. He loves being a grandfather. Richard and Pamela are staying with us while you are on your honeymoon. It should be an interesting week."

I have a special surprise planned for Becky. "Is the room ready?"

"Yes, and it looks beautiful. The hotel staff is awesome."

"Thanks, Mom. Everything looks beautiful. You and Pamela have made this day very special for us."

"Becky is now my daughter, and Pam and I want this day to be absolutely perfect."

"It is, Mom. It is."

oOo

Matt makes a big production of his best man speech. "I'm honored to share this day as Mike's best man because he is the best man that I've ever known." He picks up a napkin and dabs his eyes. The room erupts with laughter. "I'm serious when I say he is a good man. My father died when I was ten years old. I'm an only child, so it was difficult for me making friends. School became very important to me, and I remember vividly the day that I met Mike, and he has been my brother from another mother for the past twenty years. We've shared good times and not so good times together, so I have an upfront and personal view of his life.

"Rebecca, I have never seen my friend so happy and so full of life. You and the kids have given Mike a new life, a happy life. Mike and Rebecca are two people so crazy in love with one another, that it's, well, a little nauseating at times. Mike, you have been my friend for many years, and it is an honor to share this day with you. Rebecca, you are the perfect woman for my best friend. Let us all take a moment to raise our glasses to Rebecca and Mike. Let us toast to the incredibly exciting road that lies ahead of them."

Our parents, as well as some of our guests, say equally gracious things, congratulate us and wish us well. The words are heartfelt, and the emotions genuine. We eat, drink, and dance the night away.

"Well, kids, I am officially your new dad. How does it feel?"

"It feels great," Billy says around a mouthful of cake.

"It's supremely awesome, Dad," Susan says as she hugs me. I look over her head at Becky, who is laughing.

"Where did you learn such a big word, squirt?"

"My teacher said I have to learn one new word a day, even in the summer."

"She's just trying to show off, Dad."

"I am not."

"Yes, you are."

I step in. "Okay, kids. No arguing today."

I stand and raise my hand to get everyone's attention. "I would like to thank all of you for sharing this special day with us. I would also like to thank our parents for going above and beyond to make this day, one that we will always remember."

"Today is the happiest day of my life because I've just married the love of my life. I can't begin to express how grateful Rebecca and I are to have all of you share this special day with our family." I look around the room at the people who have become vital to me. The number of people in the room may be small, but the love that I feel for all of them is enormous. "All of you represent the journey that my life has taken the past two years. I'd be lying if I said the impact that all of you have had on my life was insignificant. The truth is, I love all of you so very much, and I am grateful that you can share this special day with us. The road hasn't been easy, but the end result is a life that I never knew I could have."

"Rebecca, my beautiful bride; you have made me a very happy man today. My life has come full circle, and I know that whatever life throws at us, our love will be our anchor in any storm. I love you with my whole heart." I bend down to kiss her.

Rebecca grabs a napkin to blot the tears from her face, then stands next to me. "I would also like to thank all of you for sharing this day with us. I remember the day Billy came home from rehab and told me about the cool guy he met in rehab. I remember thinking how lovely it was for my son to have a smile on his face again. I also remember how crabby Mike was the first day that I met him. Needless to say, I also saw something special in Mike. I was afraid to love again. I was afraid to give my heart to another person. Mike snuck up on me, captured my heart, and never let go. Today starts a new life for the kids and me, and I am so happy to love this extraordinary man. I love you, Mike, and I will tell you every day of my life how much I love and adore you."

I wrap my arms around my wife and kiss her like a starved man. Several discrete coughs and a few clinking of spoons on glasses is my clue to break the kiss. I ask Billy and Susan to stand next to me. "I have a special present for the kids." Matt hands me two envelopes, and I give one to Billy and Susan. "Inside your envelope is adoption papers, and once the adoption has been finalized, your new names will be William Montgomery Jessup and Susan Montgomery Jessup."

Billy looks up at me with tears in his eyes. "This is really happening?"

"Yes, it's really happening. I want to legally be your father. I want you to have my name. I also want you to understand that the adoption does not change the fact that Ben is also your father."

"Not many kids have two dads," Susan says to me.

"And no one other than your mother will love you more than I do. I am so proud to be your father." I kneel before the kids, and they plow into me. I land on my ass, taking them with me.
Chapter 30

It's after two in the morning when the last guests retire to their hotel rooms. The hotel was kind enough to give us pillows and blankets for the kids who sleep peacefully on the floor behind our chairs. When I look down at them, my heart swells with unconditional love. I meant what I had said to Becky. If we are not blessed with more children, I will love Susan and Billy with my whole heart. Becky sees me staring at them and places her hand on my arm.

"I love them so much," I say to her.

"You've made them very happy today. This is a new life for all of us."

"Yes, it is, and I couldn't be happier. I think we need to get the rug rats up to bed. It can't be comfortable sleeping on the floor." I squat down and gently shake Billy awake.

"Is it over yet?" he asks me sleepily.

"Yep, it's over, and it's time for the two of you to go to bed."

Billy rubs his eyes and sits up. "It's cool that we get to stay in a hotel."

"Yes, it is," I say as I laugh at his exuberance. I've learned in the past two years that the kids are easily amused. Becky and I help him to his feet, and once he is steady, I wake Susan.

"Daddy?" she says and looks up at me. Hearing that word does funny things to me.

"Yes, sweetheart?"

"I had a lot of fun. Thanks for making me your official daughter. Love you, Daddy."

"Love you too, sweetheart. Time to go to bed."

Our parents are the only people left in the room, and as we walk to the elevator, I say a prayer of thanks for this special day. I say a prayer of thanks that I have been given a second chance to live this beautiful life and share this life with the people who mean so much to me. Once the kids are tucked in, and after a few kisses goodnight, Becky and I walk to our room. My excitement builds, the closer we get to the room, and then I realize that I can't carry her over the threshold. I refuse to let this ruin our special day.

I'm behind her when she opens the door, and when she turns on the light, she gasps and runs into the room. I follow her, and as I look around the room, I am so pleased that everything looks perfect. The focal point in the room is the king-size bed which is covered with pink rose petals, and all I want to do is get naked and roll around on the bed as I watch the petals stick to her gorgeous skin. Strategically placed battery powered candles give the room a soft glow. In the corner of the room are snacks and drinks. I wrap my arm around her and kiss her neck.

"Do you like it, sweetheart?"

"I love it, and I love you."

"Do you know what I want to do right now?"

"No," she answers me breathlessly.

"I want to get naked and roll around on the bed and watch all of those pretty petals stick to your beautiful body. I want to bury myself in you and make love to my very sexy wife. I want to show you with my body how much I love you."

Becky turns to face me. "Help me out of my dress before I explode."

I am ridiculously happy that her dress has a zipper because if I had to fumble with a dozen buttons, I might rip the dress from her body. That's how desperate I am to make love to her. I almost swallow my tongue when the dress hits the floor. Becky is wearing a soft pink bra, with matching panties, and I feel myself get instantly hard. I reach down to unzip, but her hand stops me.

"Let me do that for you," Becky says and sinks to her knees. Damn, I have never seen anything more beautiful in my life, and I lean against the door to keep myself from falling on my knees. I take off my shoes, and as my pants hit the floor, I look down at my wife and see her vibrant pink lips wrap around the head of my cock. Oh, the feeling is exquisite. My hand goes around her neck as I gently thrust into her soft, hot mouth. "Bite me, baby. You know how I like it!" She knows how I like it, and when I feel her nails scrape my balls, I fight the urge to thrust deeper. Her tongue flicks, and her teeth bite the head of my cock, and I close my eyes and focus on the feeling. "I'm coming, baby. Squeeze harder." I feel my knees about to give out as I come. "Jesus, Becky, don't stop.!" It goes on for I don't know how long. I feel drained, I feel sated, I feel loved, and when her eyes look up to meet mine, a sexy grin spreads across her face. "My turn," she says to me and winks.

Damn right it's her turn. I help her to stand, and as I back step her to the bed, she strips me of my remaining clothing. We both crash onto the bed, and as petals fly in every direction, I rip the pretty pink panties from her body, and I sink into her in one swift thrust. She gasps as her legs wrap around me. I feel wild with lust as I pull out and sink deeper into her warm body. "God, honey, I want you so much. I can't control myself. I need you," I say between thrusts. I've never been this hard in my life, and I've never wanted her more than I do now. I feel her hands moving down to cup my ass, then I feel one finger slide into my hole, and I lose it. I pull out one last time, then sink back in and come hard. So hard that I see stars. Her finger continues thrusting in and out of me, and to my surprise, I come again. I fall in a heap of sated flesh on top of Becky as I try to catch my breath.

"You've never done that before," I say between gasps.

"Did you like it?"

"Hell, yes. Do it again, baby."

We're still joined, and when I feel her finger sink into me again, I get hard. "Damn, that feels fucking good," I say as I sink deeper into her. Within minutes, I come again, then beg for mercy. "Enough, baby. I can't take much more of this. Have mercy on my cock."

I slide out of her and roll onto my back, and it's then that I realize I haven't taken off the prosthesis. This is the first time that I've made love to Becky while wearing it. She notices my shocked expression.

"It's become a part of you."

"Yeah. I forgot that I was wearing it." I say with a smile on my face. I also realize that I made love to her in the missionary position. I tell her so.

"I like feeling you on top of me."

"I like it too. I never thought that position would work for me without leverage, but it did. I'm kind of shocked really. I wanted you so much that I didn't think, I just went with how I felt."

"Progress my love," Becky says as she kisses the side of my neck.

"Yeah, progress." I get out of bed walk over to the table by the window and push it to the side of the bed. A chilled bottle of apple juice sits on the table along with fresh fruit, chocolate covered strawberries, and scones. I feed Becky a few chocolate-covered strawberries and hand her a glass of juice.

"To my beautiful wife who has brought so much happiness into my life. I love you, Becky. Thank you for giving me the family that I've always wanted." I lean in and kiss her.

"To my sexy husband. Love is sweeter the second time around, and what I feel for you goes beyond love. I will cherish every day that we have in this life. I love you, Mike." Another kiss, this one more profound and more passionate.

"I have a surprise for you. I know we said no gifts, but I saw this and knew it was meant for you." I get out of bed and take the gift out of my bag along with a letter. I hand Becky the gift. When she opens the box, a tear runs down her face. Inside the box is a two-carat pink diamond surrounded with white diamonds. It matches her engagement ring perfectly.

"Oh, Mike, it's beautiful." I watch as she takes it out of the box and places it around her neck. My fingers cannot manage the clasp, but it doesn't matter. The look of happiness on her face is all that I need. I hand her the letter. "I wrote this last night. I want you to know how I feel."

My beautiful Rebecca,

"I think about the time before you were a part of my life with sadness. I remember being at a crossroads after the shooting, and how emotionally devastated I was at the prospect of living with what had happened to me. I honestly did not want to live like this, and you know that I did something foolish. Then one day, a little girl knocked on my door with cookies, and I made an ass of myself. From that day forward, everything changed for me. To express the love that I feel for you is very difficult because words are not enough to explain what is in my heart. Loving you has been the best thing to ever happen to me. Loving Billy and Susan feel like the most natural thing in the world. They are my children. Your love gave me the courage to fight for what I want in life, and I want you more than I can ever put into words. You have given me so much, and all I want to do is spend a lifetime showing you how much I love you, and making you feel safe and secure in my arms. I know that you are my once in a lifetime love and you mean the world to me. You are the reason why I wake up every morning with a smile on my face. You bring the joy from within into my life, and the fact that I have you makes life worth living.

I love you, and always will.

Mike

Becky holds my letter against her heart as the tears flow, then, she raised it to her lips and kisses the words that come from my heart.

"I have a present for you too." I watch as she takes the gift out of her bag, and when she returns to the bed, she says, "This is from the kids and me."

The box is long, so I think it's a watch, but when I open the box and look down, I can't stop the emotions the hit he hard. Hot tears sting my eyes, as I look down at my gift. It's an ID bracelet in white gold, and it's engraved. The word DAD and today's date stares back at me.

"Turn it over." She says to me.

When I turn it over, I see, "With love, Rebecca," and "Love you Daddy, Billy, and Susan." I am humbled and honored to wear this special gift. Becky takes it out of the box and places it on my right wrist. "I'll never take it off," I say to her. I take off my arm, reach over to turn off the light and pull Becky closer to me.

"Lay with me, honey. Let me hold you in my arms."

She laughs. "Shouldn't we take a shower? It feels gross having these petals stuck to my skin."

"Actually," I say in a low voice, "You look sexy all messed up and smelling of roses. I want to remember you this way for a long time. We can get cleaned up in a few hours." Becky wraps herself around me, and with a smile on my face, I close my eyes and drift off to sleep with the smell of roses all around me.

oOo

The next time I open my eyes, the bed is empty, and I hear water running in the bathroom. The roses have turned a weird color of brown and no longer stick to my skin. I feel sorry for the hotel staff who have to clean up this mess. When I walk into the bathroom, Becky is filling the jacuzzi with hot water and bubbles.

"Good morning, husband. I was going to wake you in a few minutes."

I wrap my arm around her and kiss her neck. "Good morning, wife. What do you have planned for us this morning?"

"I thought we could take advantage of this beautiful tub and take a bath together."

"Sounds wonderful," I say as I step into the tub and sit down. Becky follows me into the tub, sits in between my legs, and wraps her legs around my waist.

"We should be bathing," I say to her as I reach down to gently stroke her clit.

"We are," she says as her hand wraps around my cock. Our eyes lock onto each other, and silently, we give each other pleasure. Just as I am about to explode, Becky rises to her knees and takes me into her body. My head hits the back of the tub as I come, taking her with me.

"What a way to start the day," I say as I rub the back of my head.

"We can't do this at home, so I want to take full advantage of having you all to myself for a few precious minutes."

"My body is yours to do with as you please," I respond.

Becky turns around and leans against my chest, and we enjoy the silence in the room. The jets swirl gently around us, and I almost fall asleep. "We have to get one of these for the master bedroom. I like this very much."

"I agree. Then I could kidnap you for an hour or two and have you all to myself."

Becky laughs. "Do you think that's even possible with two kids in the house?"

I think about this for a minute or two. "Probably not, but a man can dream, can't he? I need to be more creative."

"Just be yourself, Mike. I love the entire package."

"Ah, my love, you have no idea what it does to me when I hear you say things like this to me."

"I think I do. We've come a long way since that first day, haven't we?"

"Yeah. Sometimes I can't believe this is my life. And now I have a gorgeous wife and two beautiful children. I'm blessed Becky, so blessed and so happy, and when I think back to when I tried to end my life, I feel sick. I couldn't see anything but a miserable future, but now, all I see is the life that I was meant to have." I wrap my arms around my wife as tears sting my eyes. My road is no longer paved with glass.

oOo

Our peaceful interlude lasts approximately thirty minutes. The loud banging on the door ends our quiet time. "Mike, It's Dad. Open the door."

Becky jumps out of the tub, grabs her robe, and runs for the door. I follow her.

"What's wrong? Is it the kids?" she asks breathlessly.

Dad shakes his head no and turns on the television. I sit next to him on the bed, and I can see that his hand is shaking. I put my hand on top of his. "What's wrong, Dad? You're scaring me."

"Give it a minute. You need to watch the news."

I sit on the bed and wait for the second half hour of the local morning news. Five minutes into the broadcast, my blood runs cold. Becky is kneeling on the bed behind me and wraps her arms around me. I sit in stunned silence as I watch the news anchor standing outside the café. Christian's café was robbed again, only this time, he was armed. One man is dead; the other is in critical condition. When the reporter shows their pictures, I recognize the man who shot me. It's his eyes. They look cold and dead. I'll never forget what they look like for as long as I live. This is the man that forever changed my life.

"That's the man who shot me! I can't believe they robbed him again. What the fuck is wrong with people? The reporter didn't say if Christian was hurt."

"No, he wasn't hurt. I read the story on their website. It was after ten at night, and they waited until the café was empty, then walked in with guns pointed at the owner."

"I can't believe this has happened again," I say as I rub my forehead. Memories of that day flash through my mind and my body tenses. I'm shaking, and Becky holds me tighter.

"It's okay," she whispers in my ear.

My dad looks over at me with concern in his eyes. "You don't look, good son. Are you having a flashback?"

I nod my head yes because if I open my mouth, I may vomit. I get up, walk to the bathroom, and close the door. I sit on the edge of the tub and let the shakes overtake me. It's over. It's finally over. They got what they deserved, but I feel no satisfaction. One man is dead, and the other might be heading there soon. I can no longer fight the urge to vomit, and the dry heaves overtake me. Becky hears me and comforts me the best she can. I can't stop the shakes, and all I want at the moment is to see my kids. "Get my dad, then get the kids. I need to see them now."

"Okay, Mike. Just calm down. I'll get them, but you need to calm down."

"I will try to calm down when I see the kids. Please, Becky."

I close my eyes and rest my head on the toilet seat, and when I feel my father's hand touch my back, I break down. "It's over, Dad. It's finally over, but why do I feel so horrible?"

"I think you've been tense about them walking free and hurting other people while you've struggled to get your life back. You're angry because you will not have your fifteen minutes in court. They paid the ultimate price for their crimes. It's over son, and there is nothing that you can do but to live your life. Don't backslide now. You've worked too damned hard to get to this point in your life."

"Yeah. I guess it was the shock of seeing his face. I never thought the police would find them. I guess I need to call Detective Holloway."

"That can wait. Take a few deep breaths. Do you want a glass of water?"

"Thanks, Dad. I don't want the kids to see me like this."

"No, stay where you are. The kids are old enough to understand. Let them see this side of you."

Before I can respond, the door opens, and Susan runs into the room. The look on her face kills me.

"Daddy, what's wrong?" She asks as her arms go around my neck. I look over her head at Billy, who still stands by the door.

"Billy, come over here and sit next to me. I need my buddy."

Billy walks over to the tub and sits on the edge. "What happened, Dad?"

"Grandpa told me that the man who shot me tried to rob the café again."

"Did the police get them?" Susan asks me.

"Yeah. One man died, and the other man is in the hospital."

"Is that why you're upset?" Billy asks me.

"Yeah. It shocked me to see the man on the news. All I remembered was his eyes, and I got a little sick when I saw his face."

"Are you okay now, Daddy?" Susan asks me.

I wrap my arm around her and reach out for Billy's hand. "As long as I have the two of you and Mommy, I'll always be okay."

I will be okay because the love that I feel for my family trumps anything else going on in my life, and as I sit on this cold floor, I realize that my nightmare began on a cold floor, and also ends on a cold floor. Talk about coming full circle! Dad takes the kids back to their room, and after I've calmed down, I call Detective Holloway.

"Holloway," He barks into the phone.

"Detective, this is Michael Jessup. I saw the news this morning. The guy in the hospital is the man who shot me."

"You no longer have to worry about him. He died early this morning. Mr. Simmons' aim was dead on. I've had several calls from other victims. When this is all over, I feel that we can solve many open cases. How are you, Mike?"

"Better than I was an hour ago. The shock of seeing his eyes set me back a bit, but my wife and kids calmed me."

"Wife? Kids?"

"Yep, as of yesterday. What a way to start my honeymoon."

"Think of it this way. You've survived despite the difficult times, and now you start a new life with a wife and kids. Don't let that scum take you down. I've seen it happen to good people. Don't let it happen to you. Justice takes all forms in this world, and Mr. Simmons ended your nightmare. If I were you, I'd call him and say thank you."

"Do you need me to make a statement?"

"It can wait until after your honeymoon. You could also shoot me an email."

The Detective gives me his email address, and I end the call. My next call is to Christian. I am surprised when he answers the phone.

"Christian, this is Mike Jessup. I saw the news this morning. How are you?"

"I'm shaken up. I've never fired a gun in self-defense before yesterday, but I wasn't letting them hurt me again. I had to protect myself."

"Damn right, you had to protect yourself. It's finally over. I think both of us can relax now."

"I wish I could relax. My wife's been crying all morning. She wants me to sell the business, and I think I'm going to. I need to find something else to do with my life."

"I have an idea. I'll call you when I get back from my honeymoon."

"What do you have in mind?"

"The hospital wants to add a small coffee shop in the lobby of the main building. If you are interested, I'll send a text to Matt, and he can contact the proper people. I'm sure the hospital staff will go nuts if you have a shop in the lobby. Your muffins are awesome. Are you interested?"

"Yes, I am. I think it's time to downsize, and if I don't do something, my wife may divorce me."

"Great. I'll send Matt a text now. I'll call you next week."

"Thanks, Mike. Enjoy your honeymoon."

"Believe me; I will."

I send a quick text to Matt, and once I'm dressed, I join everyone in the dining room for breakfast.
Chapter 31

"Be good for Granny and Gramps," Becky tells the kids.

"We're going to have so much fun. I can't wait to camp out in the backyard," Billy says. I've never seen him this excited.

"We're going to have hot dogs, and hamburgers and Grampa Harold is going to tell us ghost stories," Susan says, equally excited. I can't imagine my parents camping out anywhere, and this should be an exciting week.

"We'll call you once we get to the hotel. Give me a hug before we leave." I give the kids one last hug then everyone sends us off on our honeymoon in grand style. Once we are in the limo, I can finally relax. "We're finally alone," I say as I pull Becky closer to me.

"The kids are so excited about the campout."

"My father has never been camping. It was a hard limit for him when I was a boy scout. I think the kids are going to keep him hopping next week."

"Oh, your poor father. I hope my dad helps him."

"I think between the two of them they'll keep the kids under control."

"How are you feeling, Mike?"

"I'm okay. Detective Holloway said something to me that stuck with me. He said, 'don't let that scum take you down.' He's right. All of this turmoil is in the past, and seeing his face, and experiencing those emotions set me free. It's over, and justice has been served. Christian wasn't hurt, and that's all that matters. From this day forward, I live my life and let the past stay in the past. I think Joe would be proud of me."

"I know I'm proud of you. I love you, Mike."

"I love you too, sweetheart."

oOo

Turks and Caicos are beautiful. We rented a beach house at Hawksbill, and I've never seen anything so relaxing. The living area is large and spacious with cathedral ceilings, and an open living and dining area. Large sliding glass doors give us a front-row view of the ocean. The veranda faces the sea, and I can picture us spending a lot of time staring out at the water. The bedroom is spacious, and the bed faces the ocean. Who needs television when you have this view? Becky is running from room to room, and it makes my heart skip a beat seeing her so happy.

"Oh my god, Mike, this place is beautiful. I could lay in bed all day and stare out at the ocean."

"Let's get out of these clothes and walk out to the beach. I want to show you something." Once we are in our bathing suits, I take her hand in mine and walk out onto the patio. I had a canopy tent erected a few feet from our room. Becky jumps up and down and hugs me tight.

"It's a hammock from my dream. You remembered my dream."

"How could I forget? I've been waiting for this day for over a year." We climb into the hammock, and I use my foot to gently swing us back and forth. The ocean water is crystal blue, and the sand is white and warm on my foot.

"I haven't felt this relaxed in a very long time," Becky says to me. "Thank you, Mike."

"For what?" I ask her.

"For loving me. For loving the kids. For this beautiful honeymoon. For giving us a new life. For everything, Mike."

"I should also thank you, for all of that and more. This is a new life for both of us."

"Have you ever made love in a hammock?" she asks me.

"Um, no, and is that even possible."

"Let's find out."

I roll over to position myself, but it's not easy. Both of us are laughing, and somehow, I manage to take off my arm, which makes it easier for me. I wrap my arm around Becky, pulling her closer to me. "This isn't going to work honey."

"Yes, it will. We have to be creative." Becky lifts her leg and wraps it around mine, giving me the perfect position to sink into her. Jesus, the feeling is exquisite, and the gentle swaying of the hammock only adds to the excitement.

"If we can't have a jacuzzi, then I want a hammock and a tent in the backyard," I say as I slowly thrust into her warm body. The slow build up to my orgasm is fucking unbelievable.

"I'm on board with that," Becky says as she clenches around me. I reach down and lightly stroke her clit, and when I feel her clench around me again, I can't hold back, and with one last deep thrust, I let go, taking her with me. We lay connected for a long time, and honestly, I've never felt this good in my entire life.

"I hope we've made a baby," I whisper to her.

"Me too," she whispers back to me.

Our week in Turks has been an experience that we will never forget. Sunny days walking on the beach, delicious food, and romantic nights making love by the light of the moon. We spend our last morning in bed while looking out at the ocean.

"I wish I could take this view back home with us. I've never felt so relaxed and happy." Becky whispers to me.

"I could have someone paint a mural on our bedroom wall," I respond.

Becky raises her head to look at me. "You're serious, aren't you?"

I realize that I am serious. I want the memory of this week to last a lifetime. "Can you imagine closing your eyes every night to the sight of blue skies, sandy beaches, and crystal clear water?"

She jumps up and out of bed. "You would seriously have a mural painted on our bedroom wall?"

"Grab your phone and take a few pictures," I tell her.

The look on my wife's face is precious. She's like a little girl opening a present. She puts on one of my tee-shirts and runs out to the beach. I follow her and stand by the sliding doors watching Becky make her dream come true. There is nothing that I wouldn't do for my beautiful wife. Ten minutes later, we have at least fifty pictures of our private hideaway. We spend our last day buying gifts for our parents and the kids, and as we pack to leave, I take one last look at the magnificent view.

"This has been the best week of my life," I say to Becky.

"Mine, too, but we have to get back to reality."

"Yeah, I miss the kids."

oOo

"Thank all that is holy that you are home," My father groans into the phone. "I've aged ten years this past week. What do you feed those kids? I'm exhausted!"

"It can't be that bad," I say as I laugh into the phone.

"Ask Harold. He'll tell you. Both of us need a vacation. Sleeping on the ground just about killed my back."

"And you loved every minute of it, didn't you?"

"Well...I guess so. I like being a grandparent, but I draw the line at camping."

"Did the kids have fun?"

"They did, and as a grandparent, I am exercising my constitutional right to ask you to take your kids home!"

"We'll be there in about an hour. Then you can relax and sleep for a few days."

"You know what pisses me off?" he asks me. "Your mother is running around the house like she's forty again, and I am about to fall apart."

"It's all in your head, Dad."

"No, it's all in my back. Come over and get your kids now!"

I look over at Becky. "We need to get the kids before my dad has a meltdown. Too much grand-parenting for him."

Becky laughs and grabs the car keys. Thirty minutes later, we are surrounded by two hyperactive kids. "Dad, we had so much fun. We camped out almost every night. Grandpa Harold is super cool, and Grandpa Ron told us a ton of scary stories. Can we do this again soon?" Billy asks me. I look over at my dad, who is shaking his head no vehemently.

"Why don't we set up a tent in the backyard? It will be easier for us to camp out on the weekend."

"Really? We can do that?" Susan asks me.

"We sure can." I look over at Becky, and we are on the same page. No hammock for us, but that's okay. If the kids are happy, that's all that matters.
Chapter 32

In the months that followed our wedding, my little family now has a new member. Our daughter Mary was born last week, and the emotional attachment that I feel for her is something that I never expected to feel. The kids haven't stopped looking at her, Susan especially. When she's not in school, she's near Mary. I know they will have a strong bond. Billy is very protective of both of his sisters. He's grown into a little man, and I am so proud of him. Today is my first day back at work, and I am greeted with balloons and gifts for the baby.

Carol follows me into my office and closes the door. I always know something is up with her when she closes the door. She hands me a letter from the Democratic Senator who represents our state. It's an invitation to speak before the Senate Appropriation Committee. The Senator received many letters from amputees who are concerned with the cap in benefits. This is my chance to make my voice heard.

"How did he get my name?"

"His staff has called several hospitals in the area asking for our opinion on the current cap in benefits. I thought of you and Billy and relayed your story to him. He's very interested in your opinion and feels that your testimony will hold weight in getting insurance companies to change their policy on categorizing prosthetics as medical devices."

"I've been so angry about this since day one. We have an appointment next week for Billy to be measured for a new leg. He's growing so fast, and the minor adjustment that we had done a few months ago is the last one that he can have with that leg. I'd be more than happy to lend my voice to the conversation." I pick up the phone and call his office.

"This is Dr. Michael Jessup. I'd like to speak to the Senator regarding a letter that I received today."

"Hold a minute, Doctor. I'll get the Senator for you."

A minute later, the Senator is on the line. "Doctor Jessup, thank you for contacting me. I assume you've received my letter."

"Yes, I did, and I would be more than happy to help in any way that I can."

"Doctor, we need voices. We need people to share their stories with the Committee. My constituents are suffering with huge out of pocket medical bills. I hope that the more people who testify, we can put pressure on the insurance companies to change their policy regarding prosthetic devices. We have a large population of disabled Veterans who also fall into this category."

"When do you want me in Washington, and can I bring my son with me?"

"The hearings will take place the week of July eighth. I'll need you for at least three days."

"That's fine. I'll clear my schedule, and my son will be on summer break."

"This is fantastic news, Doctor Jessup. Thank you for lending your voice to this serious issue. My office will be in contact with you next week with your hotel information. All expenses will be paid by my office."

"We'll be there. Thank you for including us in the discussion. I have a lot to say."

oOo

I show Becky the letter, and she is in full agreement that I need to testify. "I was pissed off when Carol told me how much my out of pocket expense would be. Of course, I had to pick the most expensive arm, but that's not the issue. Why should anyone be forced to settle because they can't afford the co-pay?"

"I'm thankful that I have Ben's life insurance because, without it, life would have been difficult for me. Billy deserves the best care that I can give him."

"How much money do you have left in the account?"

"I have a little over fifty thousand left in the account. That should get Billy into adulthood. Whatever is left I'll transfer to him when he turns twenty-one. I also have an account set up for Susan."

"At least our son won't have to worry financially. I can't say that's true for a lot of people. That's why I have to testify, and I want to bring Billy with me. He's old enough to understand. Let's talk to him before dinner."

Billy is in his room playing video games and looks upset when both of us walk into his room.

"Am I in trouble?" he asks Becky.

"Why? Did you do something wrong?" I ask him.

"Um, no."

"Then why do you think you're in trouble?"

"Both parents coming into my room at the same time. So, am I in trouble?"

I sit down on the bed next to him. "You're not in trouble Your mother, and I want to talk to you for a few minutes."

"Um, okay."

"I think you're old enough to understand a few things about your leg. Today I received a letter from our Senator asking me to go to Washington to testify before the House Appropriation Committee about the high cost of prosthetics, and how some people have to pay a lot of money because the insurance companies do not cover most of the cost."

Billy looks over at Becky. "Did you have to pay a lot for my leg?"

"Yes, I did," she said. "But, your dad helped with the expense. He had a life insurance policy which helped to pay for your leg."

"Is it a lot of money?"

"Yes, it's a lot of money. Your last leg cost me twenty-five thousand dollars."

"Wow, that's a lot of money. Will you be able to pay for my new leg?"

"Yes, honey. Your dad had a good insurance policy, and we don't have to worry about the cost, but few people can afford the cost when they have to get a prosthetic. The Senator wants Dad to talk about what happened to him and to you, and how much money it costs and how some people can't afford to get the help that they need."

"I want you to go with me, Billy. We have to show the people in Washington that we are just like they are. We want to work and have a productive life. We shouldn't have to use all of our money to pay for something that we need to survive. Do you want to go with me? We can do a little sight-seeing. Just you and me."

"Susan is staying at home?"

"She has camp next week. I don't think she wants to miss spending time with her friends. This is a father-son trip."

"Can we ask Grandpa Ron if he wants to go with us? That would be so cool!"

"Sure. Do you want to call him"?

"Yeah." I give Billy my phone. "Hey, Grandpa. Me and Dad have to go to Washington next week. A senator wants Dad to talk to the other Senators. Do you want to come with us?"

"Sure. Can I talk to your dad?"

Billy hands me the phone, and I explain why we're going. "I'd love to come with you and add my two cents to the conversation if they want to hear from me."

"The more voices we add to the conversation, the better the odds are of making a change."

oOo

Today is the day that we leave for Washington. I have the car packed, and we're waiting for my father. Billy is off the chart, excited about the trip. He asked me last night if he could talk to the Senators. I was surprised by his request, and I'll make sure that his voice is heard. He spent the entire trip writing in his notebook. When we arrive at the hotel, we are met by the Senator's assistant, Carl. After we check in, we have a quick meeting.

"The hearing starts at ten in the morning and will run for three days. We have over fifty people willing to speak to the committee. Everyone gets twenty minutes."

"I'd like to share my time with my son and father. They also have something to contribute."

"Your son is the only child that we have testifying. I think that's a great idea." He looks over at Billy. "Do you know what you want to say, Billy?"

"Yeah. I wrote it down in the car."

Carl pats Billy's leg. "I can't wait to hear what you have to say. This is a very important issue, Billy. Thank you for helping us."

If I hadn't seen it with my own eyes, I wouldn't believe it. Billy sits tall in his seat, and all of a sudden, he looks grown up. I am so proud of him.

"I'll do a good job, Mr. Carl."

"I'm sure you will. See all of you tomorrow."

Once Carl leaves, I say, "How about we do a little sight-seeing then get something to eat."

"Did you bring my chair, Dad?"

"Yep. It's in the trunk. I wouldn't want you to miss anything."

"That's cool. Can we see the monument and get hamburgers?"

"We sure can. Let's get going. I'm starving."

oOo

I've never been to a Senate meeting, and this looks very intimidating. The Senators seem like they'd rather have a root canal without anesthesia than listen to all of the people that have already congregated in the back of the room. Some of them are in wheelchairs, and some are on crutches. Seeing this makes me so grateful and a little sad that Billy and I can function relatively normally, while some of these people have apparent limitations. We sit amongst them and listen to testimony after testimony of sub-par equipment that left them physically injured or in some cases, led to infection due to improper fit. We weren't called the first day to testify, so we go back to the hotel and have dinner. After dinner, we take a walk around the city, and Billy is having the time of his life.

Day two starts with me being the first person to testify. Billy and my dad follow me up to the table. "Good morning. My name is Dr. Michael Jessup, and sitting next to me is my son Billy and my father, Ronald. All three of us would like to speak to you this morning." My dad is the first to testify.

"My name is Ronald Jessup. I've listened to yesterday's testimony with tears in my eyes. No parent wants to see their children suffer. I almost died the day my son was shot. No one should have to decide if food is more important than proper medical care." He turns around to face the crowd. "Raise your hands. How many of you are veterans?" Several men raise their hands.

"These brave men and women fought for our country. It's a crime that they do not receive the proper devices to help them function. It's a crime, and this county is better than that. When did it become about money, rather than health care?"

I wish I had a camera to capture the look on some of their faces. If looks could kill. Billy is next.

"My name is Billy Montgomery Jessup, and I'm ten years old. My dad got killed in a car accident, and I hurt my leg. My mom told me that my dad's insurance helps to pay for my leg. What about the other kids? There were a lot of kids in rehab with me. I have a good leg, but what about them? Every kid deserves a chance to have a good life. My mom and dad help me every day. Thank you."

I lean in and give my son a well-deserved kiss on the cheek. He whispers to me, "Did I do a good job?"

"I am very proud of you, Billy." I turn to face everyone.

"My son suffered a life-changing injury that took not only his leg but his father's life. My son is still a little boy, and since his accident, he's had two leg replacements, with another one coming up soon. My wife is fortunate enough to have her first husband's life insurance as a reserve for Billy's future medical needs. I had to pay thirty thousand dollars out of pocket for my prosthetic arm. Not all families have the financial resources to cope with the out of pocket expenses. I look around this room, and I see many people that are in an extraordinary club."

"We are amputees, and we deserve the same quality of life as the person sitting next to them. Why should we be forced to drain our financial resources to maintain our quality of life? No one asks to lose a limb. Prosthetic devices should not be considered a medical device. It should be considered a quality of life device and covered under our medical plans. How many of you can go one day without using your left arm, or your right leg? Ask any person sitting in the back of this room how it feels to have to rely on sub-par equipment. Ask the person who had to rely on sub-par equipment how it feels when your leg gives out on you, causing further injury. I've had the opportunity to hear some of the testimonies that are being presented to you today. It's unfortunate that an amputee is not given a chance to recover what they've lost without going bankrupt."

"I don't want my son or anyone's son or daughter to live this way. At some point in my son's life, the money that my wife has in reserve will run out. How will he sustain the level of care that he's always had if Billy is forced to pay out of pocket? I'm not talking about a free ride. I'm asking for an equitable solution to this continuing problem. Thank you for your time today, and I truly hope that a solution can be worked out to ease the financial burden of many people."

The remainder of the day is filled with heart-wrenching testimony. So many people are suffering, and Billy is affected by what we've heard today. I can tell that he's upset, so we take him for a little walk to calm down. We find a quiet spot at a local park and sit down. Billy is pensive and hasn't said much.

"Do you want to talk about it, kiddo?" I watch a myriad of emotions flicker across his face.

"Why do bad things happen to people?"

The question of the ages. "Nothing in life is fair, Billy. People are born with free will, which means that every person can make their own choices. The reality is that bad stuff happens to everyone. It's difficult to ask why because there is no set answer. When a soldier goes to war, he or she knows the risks. That's called free will. When a person walks across the street, they take the risk of getting hit by a car. When you eat popcorn, you risk choking on a kernel. I know it was difficult hearing some of those people talk about what's happening in their lives. I've asked myself a hundred time why, and the reality is that I'll never know why. But, good things can come out of something bad. I met you, then I met your mom, and all of our lives changed."

"I don't want you worrying about this. You have your whole life in front of you. I'm so proud of the way you've grown up since I've known you. It takes a certain kind of person to overcome what you've had to overcome, but you did it, and look at you now. You have a lot of friends, you get good grades in school, and you care about people. That's the most important thing, Billy. Be compassionate and caring to those less fortunate than yourself. That's why I became a doctor, and that's why you can do anything that you want to do in life."

"I was really upset when that lady said her leg broke in half, and she fell and got hurt. Was it because she had a bad leg?"

"Yes, and that's the reason why we testified today. No one should have to worry about a life-saving device giving out and causing injuries. The world can be cruel son, and life always isn't fair. It's a sad fact of life, and the people who can help those less fortunate should help them."

"Those men in that room looked mean. They looked like they didn't want to hear what we had to say. Why are people like that?"

I laugh because I do not want to have a discuss politics with an eleven-year-old boy. "Oh no, we are not discussing politics. I will say that some people have become too comfortable and only care about their political careers. They've lost the capacity to put other people first. That's why, as amputees, we must fight for our benefits. We must fight to be treated equally in all things that matter most. What you saw today was the harsh reality of life. Remember this day, and when you are a grown man, you may just change the world."

"I still want to be a doctor. Can you help me?"

Damn, my heart just went into my throat. "I would be honored to help you, but I think you're a little too young for medical books. Keep studying and getting good grades, and when it's time, your Uncle Matt and I will be there to help you.
Epilogue

Seven years later

Today is a monumental day for me. My son is graduating from high school, is valedictorian to his senior class, and has been accepted to The University of North Carolina, Chapel Hill. Billy wants to be an orthopedic surgeon. No father could be prouder of his son.

Susan is helping Mary get dressed. The two of them have been comparing outfits for the last week. It makes my heart happy seeing the two of them so bonded to each other. When I walk out of the bedroom, I see Becky standing in the doorway watching them. I walk up behind her and wrap my arm around her.

"Don't they look beautiful?" I whisper in her ear.

Becky turns around and buries her face in my chest. She's crying, and I know why. It will be difficult not seeing our son every day, and while I am beyond proud of their direction, his life is about to take, I wish he were closer to us.

"It's okay honey. Billy is a smart young man, and it's time for him to spread his wings and fly. He's worked for this day for a very long time."

"I know I shouldn't be selfish, but I'll miss him so much. He's still my baby, and always will be."

"Don't tell him that. He's taller than I am. Ben would be so proud of him today."

"Yes, he would. Billy looks just like his father. I'm really going to miss him."

"And he will miss us, but it's time honey. This is what he wants to do with his life, and we will support him one hundred percent."

"I still want to cry," Becky says as I hug her.

"I'm feeling a little weepy myself," I say in all honesty. Billy has been my buddy for a very long time, and my heart feels like it's splitting in two at the thought of not seeing his face every day. It's not lost on me that my father said those very same words to me. I take her hand in mine and walk back to our bedroom. I pat the bed, and she lays next to me. I kept my promise, and as I stare at the mural of our beautiful honeymoon, I pull her closer to me.

"Take a look at the mural, honey. Every day for the past seven years, we've looked at that mural and remembered the happiest day our lives. This is another happy day for us, honey. We have three incredibly beautiful, funny, and intelligent children. I thought about this day for a long time, and how I would feel, but I never expected to feel like I've been punched in the gut. I want our son to be successful, but more importantly, I want him to be happy. He's happy, Becky. We have to get it together, sweetheart. This is Billy's day, and I don't want to blubber in front of my son. It's unmanly."

As I lay in bed holding my wife, the light catches the bracelet that I've worn since our wedding day. The word Dad stares back at me, and I smile when I remember our wedding night. Being a father changes you most profoundly. I remember the days after Mary had been born. I've never felt so emotionally connected to another human being in my life. I remember standing over her crib for hours on end, just staring at her angelic face and thinking how wonderful it felt to bring a new life into the world. And now, I send a piece of my heart into the world to live his dream, and while I am proud of my son, my heart is sad because he's no longer my little buddy. He's a grown man, and the dynamics of our relationship is about to change. Why do I feel like I've lost something important in my life?

oOo

"Move it everyone, or we'll be late for the graduation ceremony," I yell once again. "I'm leaving in five minutes, and if you're not in the car, I'm leaving without you." That threat always works. Four minutes later, I see the girls run out of the house, with Becky following them.

"You wouldn't leave without us, would you?" Mary asks.

"I would squirt. The two of you take forever to pick out an outfit."

"But Daddy, we want to look pretty for Billy, and it takes time to look pretty," Mary responds.

Such an intelligent response for a seven-year-old little girl. Becky bites her lip to keep from laughing. The ceremony takes place on the football field due to the overwhelming response from family and friends. When we park the car, I see all four grandparents waiting for us, and together, we find our seats. Our extended family, Ralph, Joe, Matt, the wives and kids all join us today to celebrate this special time in Billy's life.

"Look at this crowd," Harold says to me. "The field is full of people. I hope Billy doesn't get nervous seeing all of these people."

"He'll be fine. He's practiced his speech for over a week, and you know nothing ruffles his nerves."

"I am so proud of him," Harold says as he clears his throat.

"It's a shame Anna still shuns the kids because of me," I say defensively. I've tried over the years to have at least a cordial relationship with her, but I gave up when all of my attempts were rebuked.

"It's her loss," my dad says.

"Yes, it is, and that's a shame because she'll never know how great the kids are."

The school Alma Marta begins when the school band walks onto the field. A few minutes later, we see the graduating class enter from both sides of the field and take their seats. I have to admit that I'm excited and nervous for my son. This is an important day for him. We sit and listen to several teachers give their speeches.

The principal of the school is last to speak. "I want to say thank you to all of you for making the past four years very special for me. As your principal, it does my heart good to see all of you leave here today with your entire lives ahead of you. I feel like a father watching his child leave home to start a new adventure. I am so proud of all of you, and I wish you well in all aspects of your life. And now, it gives me great pleasure to introduce your class valedictorian, William Montgomery Jessup."

My family practically breaks the sound barrier when we all stand, whistle, and clap as Billy walks towards the podium.

"Principal Hargrove, Trustees, Faculty members, family, friends, and fellow graduates, today is a day to be thankful and to be inspired. First, we have much to be grateful for. Here at Newman High School, the faculty has prepared us to move on and take on whatever challenges we choose to pursue. It has been my honor to share classes with some of you, and the friendships that I had made these past four years will stay with me always. The bonds that we have formed here will last a lifetime. In the same way that we have supported each other and helped each other succeed in these years at Newman, I hope we will continue to provide support and encouragement for each other in future endeavors. Share phone numbers and email addresses. Stay connected."

"We began high school as children, but we leave as adults. Some of us will go on to college, and some of us will drink beer and party all summer, but each of us will decide the next chapter in our lives. No matter where we go or what we do, there are challenges ahead of us, and some of those challenges will be difficult. The world today is challenging for all of us. What I'm asking from each of you, and from myself, is to meet those challenges with your head held high and a fierce determination to succeed. It's not enough to merely try to get by in life. It's not enough to coast through life. We must excel in everything we do. We must strive for excellence in every task, large or small. As an amputee, I face challenges every day and still mourn those things that I can no longer do. What I do know is that I will not settle for second best, and neither should all of you."

"Use the knowledge that you leave here today with and live a productive, fulfilling life. My father told me many years ago that nothing is impossible, and I believe that now more than ever. I want to follow in his footsteps. I want to help those less fortunate than myself. I want my parents to not only be proud of my accomplishments but to be proud of how I live my life. All of our parents have guided us and supported us throughout the years, and as we leave here today as adults, I know it can feel a little intimidating. Our future is now our reality. It begins here. It starts today. The future starts with us."

"I would like to say a special thank you to my family. An extraordinary man walked into my life, fell in love with my mother, and became my father. My parents, sisters, and grandparents have loved and support me every day of my life. Without all of them, I am nothing, and as I start my new adventure, the distance will separate us physically, but emotionally, they live in my heart. Thank you, and I wish all of you a very prosperous future."

oOo

"That was an awesome speech son," I say to Billy as we drive to my parent's house. "I am so proud of you."

I can tell that Becky is trying really hard not to cry because she hasn't said anything since we left the parking lot. The girls are with their parents.

"Thanks, Dad. I was a little nervous when I saw how many people showed up for the ceremony."

"I couldn't tell you were nervous."

"That's what I wanted you to see. My legs were shaking, and I thought for a minute that my leg would give out. I could feel the sweat inside the sock, and my leg was itching. I really hate hot weather. I have to ask Carol to send me a carton of socks before I leave for college."

"I'll get them for you next week, and I'll keep you on auto supply while you are at UNC. Are you excited to start college?"

"Yeah, I'm really excited. I want to take a few online courses this summer, so I have a head start when I get there."

"Jesus, Billy, can't you take the summer off and have a little fun?"

"Um, no. I remember someone telling me that his mother made him study in the summer, so his brains wouldn't leak out his ears. Like father, like son."

Hearing those words, after all of these years still gets to me. I look over at Becky, and she places her hand on my leg.

"I don't want you studying the entire summer. We're going to the shore house for a few weeks, and I want you to relax and enjoy your last summer with the family. We won't see you again until Christmas. I'm going to miss you, kiddo."

"I'll miss you too, Dad, but we can Skype every week, and I'll call you a lot. You're not getting rid of me that easily. And Mom, I expect you to send me goodies every week. Make sure that Susan bakes me a ton of cookies. I'm going to need fortification when I study."

Becky laughs. "I'm sure both of your sisters will send you packages every week."

"I'm going to miss them a lot."

Becky's breath hitches as she contains a sob. "And they are going to miss you too. We'll visit as often as we can. North Carolina is only three hundred and fifty miles away."

"Are you going to cry again, Mom? Please don't cry. I can't take it when you cry."

Becky turns around in her seat to look at Billy. "I know I'm overly emotional, but I can't help how I feel. My baby is leaving home. What am I going to do if I can't see your face every day?"

"You're killing me, Mom. We can Skype, email, and call each other. I'm not on the other side of the world."

"You might as well be if I can't see you every day."

"Becky, honey, everything will be okay. He's only going to college. We'll see him at Christmas."

"I know I'm acting silly. Can't help how I feel."

"I know, Mom. Isn't this what I've been working for since I was a kid? I've always wanted to be a doctor and now is my chance to make that dream a reality. I promise I'll keep in touch as much as I can."

"And if you fail to call us, we most certainly will call you," I say with love in my voice. "Got it, kiddo?"

"Yep, got it, Dad."

oOo

When we arrive at my parent's house, the street is lined with cars. The journey to this day has been a long one for my son, but so very rewarding. All of the people that matter most to us are sharing this special time with our family.

The look on my son's face when he sees the red Jetta in the driveway with a big blue bow is priceless. Billy practically falls on his ass when he gets out of the car.

"Is this for real?" he screams as he opens the door. The first thing that he sees is the modified gas pedal.

"Wow, I didn't know they could do that! I can drive with my left foot! That's so cool."

And then he realizes the significance of this gift and turns around to face us with tears in his eyes. My son is never at a loss for words, but today...well...we're all overly emotional. Becky opens her arms, and as my son walks into her embrace, my mind flashes back, and he's seven years old again. I walk up behind him and place my hand on his shoulder. When he turns his head to look at me, my heart constricts with love.

"I...I don't know what to say but thank you. This is an awesome gift."

"We want you to have a reliable car," Becky tells him.

"Is it really mine?" he asks.

"Bought and paid for, Billy. The title is in the glove box. Now you have no excuse not to come home and visit us."

"I knew there was an ulterior motive," Billy says as he laughs.

I deflect. "It was your mother's idea. I went along to humor her."

"Hey, don't throw me under the bus," Becky retorts. "You were like a little kid on the test drive."

"Okay, you two," Billy says. "I don't care whose idea it was, the car is awesome. Thanks so much for this gift. I really appreciate it."

"Oh, honey," Beck says, "We love you so much, and we are happy that you like the car. There is nothing that we wouldn't do for you and your sisters."

"That's right kiddo. Love you to the moon and back."

The kids are running around the front lawn, and the noise level is deafening. Mary has mastered the art of screaming at a decibel that could shatter glass. The other kids join in, and I already feel a headache creeping up the back of my neck. It's time to join the adults in the backyard.

I know Billy is uncomfortable when he takes off his prosthesis and hoses down his leg. My heart aches to see this because I'm having a similar reaction with my arm. I take off my prosthesis and join my son.

"Squirt some of that water on my arm. It's frigging hot today."

The cold water feels wonderful on my hot, aching arm. The liner can only do so much and even when it is slightly warm, like today, the irritation persists until I shed myself of the plastic.

"My sock is soaked," Billy says as he washes it out with the hose.

I toss my liner to him. "Rinse this out for me."

"This is ridiculous," Billy says to me. "There has to be something better than what we are using."

"There isn't at the present time."

"I hope I don't have problems when I'm at college."

I hear a hint of worry in his voice. "Do you remember what I told you the day you started at your new school? I told you that you can do anything you set your mind to. This is no different than when you were seven years old. You're a smart young man with an amazing future ahead of you. If you keep your eyes on the ball and your mind focused, there's nothing that you can't do."

"I know, and I don't know why I suddenly feel a little apprehensive."

"Could it be that you have separation anxiety? This will be the first time that you'll be separated from the family."

"Yeah, that's exactly how I feel. I'm nervous, Dad. What if I fail?"

I turn to face my son. "I can't believe you just said that to me. Do you have any idea how focused you've been since grade school? I always worried about you spending so much time with your head in books, and on the internet googling something. Your mind has always been curious. You have always made me so damn proud of you, and I know in my gut that you will not fail. You're too smart for that. Just remember what I've always told you. There is nothing that you can't do if you want it bad enough."

"I really want to be a doctor. It's what I've always wanted. I still remember our trip to Washington. That affected me for many years. I want to help people less fortunate than myself."

"That's what you need to remember, son. That's all you need to be successful."

"I know. I'm a little emotional, just like Mom. I think her crying in the car got to me. I hate seeing her cry. It reminded me of when my dad died. She cried so much those two years, and then she met you, and everything changed for us. I'm so happy that you're my Dad."

"And I am so proud to be your father," I say as I hug my son. He's not too old for a good hug. We eat, we drink, and we celebrate my son's accomplishments until it's well past midnight. I have never been prouder of him that I am today.

oOo

I remember the first time that I watched my son get on the school bus and how I felt that day, but today it is much worse. I'm standing at the window watching my son's friends help him pack the car. Becky walks up behind me and wraps her arms around my waist. "What are you doing?"

"I'm watching our son pack the car. I'm trying not to get emotional, but it's difficult. I don't know what I'm going to do if I can't see his face every day. I know I need to be sensible about this, but it's not easy. And I also know that it will be impossible for him to Skype every day. I'm going to miss him so much."

"I know honey. I've had separation anxiety for the past few weeks. If he sees that we're upset, he will be upset. I don't want to do that to our son."

"So," I say as I turn to face my wife, "we can cry later tonight while we hold each other in bed."

"Yes, we can cry, and then tomorrow, we'll take the girls out to have some fun. They're also sad to see Billy leave. We'll have to do this two more times when the girls graduate," Becky says to me.

I put my hand up to stop her from continuing. "Stop, please stop. My heart can't take it. The girls are never leaving the house. I'll make sure they go to Temple. I'm not going through this again."

"Don't be ridiculous."

"I'm not ridiculous. Just stating a fact. We can work on them now."

"Stop it," Becky says as she smacks my chest.

Billy walks into the house and sees us standing by the window.

"Everything's packed. I guess I'm ready to leave. Where are the girls? I want to say goodbye."

"Before I call upstairs for the girls, your mother and I have something for you." I take the American Express Gold Card out of my pocket and hand it to him. "I know you have a full scholarship, but you will still have expenses. Use this card, and don't worry about anything."

"Thanks, Mom and Dad. You're spoiling me."

Becky says. "No, we're not spoiling you. College is expensive, and if you have to worry about budgeting your scholarship money, it will distract you. I don't want you distracted. Just focus on your studies and make us proud, honey."

I point to Becky. "What she said," and wink at my son.

I yell upstairs, "Girls, your brother is ready to leave. Come say goodbye."

The two of them practically fall down the stairs, with gifts in hand. Billy is emotional, and I see him swipe a finger under his eyes.

Susan is the first one to give him a present. "I made cookies for you, and I put a few of your favorite comic books in the bag. I know you're too old to read them, but I thought they would remind you of home."

Susan wraps her arms around her brother and cries. "I'm really going to miss you, Billy. Will you call me a lot when you can?"

Billy kisses the top of her head, "You bet I'll call you. I'll miss you too, Suzie Q."

Mary looks up at her brother and raises her arms. "I don't know how to make cookies, so I drew you a few pictures of our family, in case you get lonely. Mommy is going to show me how to use email so I can talk to you."

Billy holds her close to him, and I can see that he is trying to contain his emotions.

"Take your gifts and put them in the car," I say to the girls. "Mom and I want a few minutes alone with Billy."

Once the girls are out of the house, Becky wraps her arms around Billy.

"My little boy is all grown up and about to start a new adventure. I'll miss you something fierce, but I know this is what you want to do, and I'll always love and support you. Don't forget to call me when you check in to your room. I'm going to miss you, honey, so much. So so much."

My heart is about to explode as I watch my wife wrap loving arms around our son. Billy looks over at me, and the expression on his face is hard to read. Becky finally lets go of him, and I step forward.

"So, kiddo, this is it. All I'll say is that I love you, and I'm always just a phone call away. If you need help with anything, just call me. I love you, Billy."

Billy lunges for me and breaks down. "The best day of my life was the day that I met you. I'm so happy that you're my dad. I'm going to miss you so much."

"I'm going to miss you too, son, but this is your time to spread your wings and fly. This is your future, and I want you to be happy. That's all I've ever wanted for you, son. Be happy, and make us proud of you."

"I will, Dad. I love you so much."

"I love you too, son. Let's get you on the road before I blubber like a frigging baby."

We both laugh which breaks the emotional tension in the room, and as my family watches Billy drive away from us, the emotional ties that bind us as a family are as strong as they ever were.

The love that I have for my children and my wife is a powerful force in my life, and as I turn to look at my wife and daughters, one thing is crystal clear. I am truly blessed in this life. My family is my road to happiness.

Billy

I am fighting the urge to turn around and drive home. I never thought I would feel this way about going to college. I drive the few miles to my grandparent's house and share an equally emotional goodbye.

"Look at you, all grown up and driving a car," Granny Helen says to me.

"I don't feel grown up at the moment. It is hard leaving home. Everyone is crying, and you know I don't do tears."

Grandpa Ron laughs at me. "You are so much like your father, and in many ways, you remind me of him at this age. We cried like babies when he went away to college. It's what parents do when their child leaves the nest."

"I know. I just hate seeing the tears."

Granny Helen pats my face. "These are happy tears, sweetheart. You've worked hard to get to this day, and we are so proud of you. We have an extra present for you."

Granny Helen hands me an envelope, and when I open it, my jaw drops. Inside the card is a check for five thousand dollars. I look up at her.

"I can't accept this. It's too extravagant."

"You will absolutely accept this gift, Billy," Grandpa Ron says with a hint of annoyance.

"We love you. You are our grandson, and we have been saving for this day. We also have college fund accounts for the girls, and when they go to college, they will get a similar gift. Let us do this for you, Billy. You've made our life so happy. It's a wonderful feeling being grandparents, and all of you have brought such joy into our lives. We want you to have this gift. Please accept it with all the love that we have for you."

I am overwhelmed with emotion and hug Grandpa hard. "Thank you so much, and I love both of you."

Grandpa Ron pats my back. "Okay now, enough of this blubbering. Get on the road and call us when you arrive. And, we expect an email at least once a week."

"Yes, sir." I salute my Grandpa as I laugh. Granny hugs me again, and they walk me to my car, and once again, I have to look at my family through the rearview mirror as I drive away from the people that I love.

oOo

I can't start my new life without saying goodbye to my father. I haven't been to the cemetery much lately, and I feel a little guilty. My mom hasn't been to the cemetery since she married my dad, and I can understand why. It doesn't mean that she doesn't still love him, because I know that she does. It's just that her life is different now, and reliving the past is counter-productive.

I kind of feel the same way, and that makes me feel sad. I still visit on holidays and his birthday, and today will be the last time that I will have to talk to him for a long time. I stop at the local market for flowers, and when I arrive at the cemetery, the reality that I'm leaving home hits me hard.

I bend down and place the flowers in front of his marker, then take out one of my toy cars and put it next to the flowers. All of the cars that I've placed on his grave disappeared over the years, and it's a sad reminder of how many years he has been gone from my life. I don't know what to say. I've stopped talking to him years ago, so I just stand in front of his grave and stare at his name. Benjamin Adam Montgomery.

I remember that awful day like it was yesterday. My life changed dramatically that day, and for as long as I live, I will have the scars, both internally and externally. I don't know how my life or the lives of my mom and sister would have been if I hadn't met Mike that day.

I've thought about it a lot over the years, but somehow, it means more to me today because I'm leaving to start the next chapter in my life. It startles me when I feel a hand on my shoulder, and I almost lose my balance. When I turn around, my dad is standing behind me.

"Damn, you scared the shit out of me. What are you doing here?"

"I know you like I know myself kiddo. I saw the toy car in your shirt pocket, and I knew you'd come here before leaving. Are you okay?"

"I honestly don't know how I feel. Of course, I'm excited to start college, but I feel awful because I really don't want to leave. I'm torn in two directions. I have a full scholarship, and UNC is an excellent school. I thought I was okay about leaving, but the past week has been difficult for me. I don't know what to do, Dad. What should I do?"

My dad stares at me for a long time. He can guard his expression, so I have no idea what's in his head. It freaked me out when I was a kid and did something wrong because I never knew if I would get punished. The fact that he's doing that today freaks me out.

"I remember when I went to college. My mother cried for the entire summer. She didn't understand why I couldn't go to Temple. It's close to home. I can still live at home for the next four years. Why am I breaking her heart? When I told her why, she cried harder, but I refused to feel guilty. I'll tell you what I told her. I want to make a life for myself, separate from my family. I'm eighteen years old, and college is a good thing. I have a scholarship. It's a good school. The best in the country. Why would you want to hold me back from living my dream?"

"This is your dream, Billy. This is your life, and I want you to live it. I don't want you to make an emotional decision that will affect your future. All you've talked about for the past two years is getting into UNC. Now that it's a reality, you're scared, and that understandable. This is an adventure, Billy. Spread your wings and fly. Your family loves you. You know I love you, and your father is looking down on you with pride. Be the man that you want to be, and not what other people expect you to be, and at the end of the day, you will be damn proud of your accomplishments."

"I guess I'm afraid of living by myself. I've always had you, Mom and the girls for support, and now I have to sink or swim on my own, and it's a little intimidating."

"Of course, it is, and you'd be a little crazy to think otherwise. You're going to a new school and making new friends. Think of it this way. It's no different than it was ten years ago when you went to your new school. You were afraid that day, but you went to school and made new friends. You're an adult now, and it is important for you to get out and make your way in the world."

"For the first time in my life, I'm afraid to tell people about my leg. It didn't matter to me when I was a kid, but now, I guess I don't want to be judged for something that happened to me ten years ago."

My dad opens his arms, and I walk into his embrace one last time. The familiar scent of his cologne feels like home to me, and I fight back the tears. His soothing hand runs up and down my back in slow circles.

"If you act defensive about your leg, people will react the same way. It's a part of you just like breathing, and you should never feel out of place, or have to explain anything to anyone. You are there to learn son, and if people do not accept you for who you are, then they have no place in your life. I felt that way, and it caused me great pain. You're anxious about starting something new, and that I can understand. It's like I've always told you, just be yourself, and the girls will fall all over you. Have you looked in the mirror lately? You're a chick magnet! The kids still say that, right?"

I laugh because my dad is clueless. "Yeah, Dad, they still say that. You're right. I'm blowing this all out of proportion."

"Do you want a minute alone with your dad?"

"Would you mind? I'd like to say goodbye."

"Of course not. I'll wait by the car."

"Thanks, Dad."

Once my dad leaves, I say goodbye to my father. "Well, I guess it's time to leave, Dad. I just want you to know that I love you, and I won't be able to visit for a while. College is in North Carolina, and I won't be home again until Christmas. Watch over everyone and keep them safe. I love you, Dad."

When I look up, I see a rainbow, and I think back to that day when I told Dad about Mike. This is my father telling me to live my life and make him proud. I take a picture and send it to my mom.

Visiting Dad before I leave, and he sent me a rainbow.

My mom responds: He's telling you to be happy, Billy and sent you a good luck rainbow. Love you to the moon and back. Is Dad with you?

Yes, he saw the toy car in my pocket.

He loves you.

I love him too, and I love you, mom.

I say one last goodbye and walk back to my car. Dad is taking a picture of the rainbow.

"Your dad is talking to you."

"I know. I guess I should hit the road. It's a long drive."

My dad hugs me one last time, and as I get into my car, I look up at him with tears in my eyes.

"I'll make you proud, Dad," I say to him.

"You've always made me proud. Love you, kiddo. Call your mother tonight, or she won't be able to sleep. And, when she doesn't sleep, I don't sleep."

"I will, Dad. Love you too."

I take one last look at my Dad, start the car, and drive off to start my new adventure. The future begins with me.

Author's Note:

Thank you for taking the time to read my book. I hope you enjoyed Mike and Rebecca' journey.

Please visit Smashwords.com to pick up your free copy of my other books, The Confession, Finding My Way Home and Happy at Last.

https://www.smashwords.com/profile/view/JeanetteM

