 
NATALAE...FROM ACROSS THE UNIVERSE  
Lessons learned from a personal journey and struggle for peace

a memoir by  
Natalae Jaennae Alluneedis

Smashwords Edition
Published on Smashwords by:  
Natalae Jaennae Alluneedis

Natalae...From Across the Universe  
Copyright 2012 by Natalae Jaennae Alluneedis  
(previously published under the name Natalae Jaennae Randall)

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TABLE OF CONTENTS

Foreword

Opening Quote

Dedication

Acknowledgement

Introduction

Chapter 1 – Transsexualism: A Personal Perspective

Chapter 2 – Coming Clean Children and Family

Chapter 3 – Betrayal

Chapter 4 – Social Life Place of Worship

Chapter 5 – Fantasies Supplement Perspective of Self

Chapter 6 – Dignity

Chapter 7 – Falling in Love

Chapter 8 – Social Responsibilities

Chapter 9 – Acceptance

Chapter 10 – Life

Chapter 11 – Impending Social Challenges for Women

Chapter 12 – Respect

Chapter 13 – Forgiveness vs. Indifference

Chapter 14 – Divorce Anyone?

Chapter 15 – Importance of Personal Values

Chapter 16 – Equality

Chapter 17 – Redefinition of Family

Chapter 18 – Bigotry

Chapter 19 – War: How Dumb Is It?

Chapter 20 – Reason vs. Beliefs

Chapter 21 – Intent to 'Come Clean' at Work

List of Stories

List of Lessons

Chronological Summary of Events
FOREWORD

Who are we? Are we a perfect creation with a cosmic purpose predestined with unquestionable character, values, and design? Are we born vessels which feed upon the knowledge to which we have access and our characters and values malleable by the forces of our environment? Of course most would agree that we are a combination of both, but which do you think has the greater influence; grand design with predestined lives, or nurture and nature? Does it seem obvious to you? Do you need to think about it for a while before you feel that you can answer with certitude?

It is amazing how some people find passion about their lives and others seem to have been designed for a world that differs from the one that we all call 'home'. How different are we, that some thrive in an environment where others can only survive? Do the differences we have between us help or hurt our ability to adapt to a world where changes occur with ever quickening pace?

If these questions and observations seem foreign to your own, perhaps you will understand their genesis when you understand that I have been in two worlds for longer than I had known. I have memories and even fantasies that beg these and other questions... questions and lessons learned by asking questions may well provide us all with a perspective of who we are individually. However, even more importantly, who we are in the context of 'us', the people who share and who connect with one another in this world that we all call 'home'.

I am a woman, but was born with a male body ('girl-in-a-boy'). For some in my circumstances, this is a very painful (in some cases, too painful) personal tragedy or a long and arduous journey to self-fulfillment or, of course it can be an infinite number of various combinations by degree. Regardless of circumstances, it impacts friends, family, co-workers, and loved ones, usually in a negative way.

I learned what gender dysphoria was 'up close and personal'. I didn't lie to Annie, when I discovered the truth of who I am. Honesty is time sensitive and I came clean to her as soon as I knew the truth, and before I thought about what she might do as a result. I believe honesty is the primary reason why Annie had remained supportive.

As I discovered the truth about myself, I unleashed a world of pain to myself and to those who cared about me. My reward is living a life being true to myself, but at immeasurable cost. Still, I have no regret. I am certain that I could not have survived the betrayal of my feminine mind by my male body once I knew the truth.

Other rewards would follow, perhaps the most personally significant of which would be to have my life remembered for the person I am, Natalae, rather than the character that so many had thought that I was.
OPENING QUOTE

Destiny lies before us, not behind us. Whatever our life was cannot be relived. What is of interest then, is the state of our life, and what it can become. NJR
DEDICATION

This book is dedicated to all of my brothers and sisters who appreciate the diversity among us by the trials and the rewards that life gives to each of us in differing measures, to those who are, or who feel disenfranchised by others who may feel superior to us, and to those who have found, or who seek enlightenment to love and accept us all... all people, as equal to themselves.
ACKNOWLEDGEMENT

I will always love my partner, even though I see her through different eyes now. She used to love me back. Understandably, she doesn't look at me with the same eyes that she had when she knew me by another name, a man's name. We remain in a committed relationship absent customary physical intimacy that we once knew.

Loving someone who cannot return your love is torturous. She would tell you that having had the ideal loving relationship with someone, and then watching that person morph into someone else, is agonizing. It was like witnessing the slow death of the love of her life; his body eventually replaced by the body of someone else. In his place would be a female roommate, someone not at all of her choosing. She would also tell you that a part of her died along with the persona of the man that she loved, and that she too has changed in significant ways as a result.

Most people have had great difficulty in understanding how our relationship had survived. We had contemplated divorce, but we knew each other and we eventually understood that we were stronger together than we would be apart. It also helped that we had been each other's best friend since the time that we first met. We lived in a committed relationship based upon the vows that we took many years ago, and compromise... much compromise. She could never love another. No one could ever replace the memory of her soul's mate. Nor could she open herself up to someone who might deepen the wound to her heart.

I could not have survived this journey, if not for the care and support of my best friend and my partner for life, Annie. I therefore, wish to acknowledge that this book could not have come to fruition, and that I might not be here at all, but certainly would not be the same person without her in my life. Thank you, Annie.
INTRODUCTION

This book is about my personal journey through life from James to me, Natalae, how the expression of who I am has affected those around me, and ultimately how all of us are impacted... even you. We, all of us, are made of mind, body, heart, and soul, but for a small number of us, changes to our body are required in order to be in congruence with our mind, heart and soul. The subtle physical changes made to one's body may seem personal and insignificant to some in the grand scheme of things; after all, we all struggle... struggle is an integral part of living. But you will see through my eyes, that for its perception and impact on so many lives, physical changes made for a changed gender expression may as well be compared with a 'journey across the universe' to another world.

As with any journey, there had been some careful planning and other times when I needed to respond to unexpected life events as best I could, which led to consequences that might have been expected and others which were complete surprises. All of the experiences helped me to find different perspectives with which to understand my current circumstances and to learn lessons for me and perhaps for all of us to grow by.

This is a memoir and is for the most part, a chronological portrayal of my life as it happened during an intense period of achievements and setbacks on a variety of personal issues and social perspectives over the course of four years. Each of the letters, stories and insights relate to my physical transformation in order to interact honestly with you and to the rest of our world. The subject matter is somewhat limited to several pertinent categories of interest so it isn't overly cumbersome. I have included a short introductory table of contents in order to present some structure to unfolding events and some early information is presented out of sequence, which is requisite for understanding transsexualism and the genesis of my journey.

A list of 'Lessons', 'Stories', and 'Summary Chronology of Events' is contained in the back of this book for your convenience.
CHAPTER 1 – TRANSSEXUALISM: A PERSONAL PERSPECTIVE

The following is one of several stories that I have written to focus on particular lessons and/or observations throughout my journey. This particular story, written July 10th, 2011 describes what transsexualism is in the context of truth and the responsibility of others to accept the truth of who we, each of us, are. While this book is a memoir and events will generally be presented chronologically, I am jumping ahead here in order to present some ideas, which will be important as a prerequisite to understanding the personal emotional and physical motivations for me to change, and for all of us to look with new eyes at our family.

TO THYSELF BE TRUE

"To thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man." ~William Shakespeare, Hamlet

Our society is protected by a legal system, which determines the truth of an event (motivations, parties involved, effects (injury or damage) by scrutinizing the available evidence and the testimony of those parties involved. It is imperfect, but it is logical and understandable. Truth is also sought through scientific methods for the origin of our universe and many other questions, which we collectively ask.

I know someone who recently lost her mother, and then her younger brother was tragically killed in an auto accident. Soon after, events transpired that led her to question whether her marriage of more than ten years should continue. Even more stressors were involved that led her to collapse on the floor where she worked and to be transported to an emergency room. Her doctor gave her medication and the diagnosis required her to be away from work to recover. She had been in the same career for twenty-six years and an employee of the current company for eight years, yet she was fired one week after she returned. When asked about 'wrongful termination', her attorney said that it would be unlawful for her to be terminated while recovering, but when there are no physical signs of disability (broken bones), it is difficult for some to believe the truth about the disability. Disabilities cost money to companies and she was likely seen as a potential liability for additional loss of revenue. Whatever the reason, the company was within their legal rights to fire her.

Only she knew the truth of her state of health, and the truth in this case could only be determined through her perspective. The truth is implied through diagnosis and treatment, but is not clearly established through legal or scientific means. There was no objective way to determine the truth in order to clear any cloud of doubt.

There are few times when truth is determined through purely subjective means and it is also accepted as the truth by others.

We may be inclined to give someone a second chance who says that they have learned their lesson, or we may or may not believe someone who says that they have spoken to God and have become 'born again'. Indeed, perhaps the only time when the truth is determined by subjective means is when we tell someone who we are. Certainly we know who we are, but the means by which we know, none of us can say in concrete or unassailable terms, and we can no more show someone who we are with pictures or even the use of poetry. We can hypothesize all day long, but there is no evidence that we can point to in order to show others the origin and the evolution of one's self from fetus to 'me'.

At some point or another, most of us have seen someone in public who we thought we recognized and stepped up to greet them or tapped them on the shoulder from behind. No matter how strikingly similar that person seemed to be to the person we know, we immediately accept that the truth is different from our perceptions, once that person looks back at us with surprise and says that we are mistaken. We apologize and accept the truth; after all, how can you argue with someone who says that you are mistaken about who they are?

But what happens if we don't accept the truth when someone tells us the truth of themselves?

My name is Natalae. What if you have reason to doubt and you don't believe me? I was born transsexual ('girl-in-a-boy'). Congenital or innate, I have a feminine mind while my body was born male and I was raised to be a man. Even though my doctor has diagnosed me and prescribed hormones, surgery, and other remediation to change my body to conform to my mind (transsexualism is not a mental disorder) my children and my family refused to believe the truth of me and have severed all ties to me while they cling to the belief that the person defined by my former male body exists somewhere for them. Since then, expressing the truth to others has other consequences; I cannot appear without a man's costume while in their company in public, or go to work without hiding the truth of me.

Living life with conditions imposed by others in order for them to feel comfortable with me is at my expense; denying my true self to live at all while acting as someone else.

It is unfair that part of my life is required to live as a character opposite my gender, as someone else, while time bleeds away from my own life. But there are those who are challenged by, are embarrassed by, or simply cannot accept the truth of me. However, it does me no service to declare that my life is unfair, or that life generally is unfair. My life is what it is, and I can only hope to leave this life having made it a little easier for others who suffer with me to suffer less."

There is much about this book that is written very generally in the last two sentences; fairness in one's life is not a quantifiable metric that we can use to judge one's self or another person's life by; and what could be more noble for the meaning in our own lives, if not to make life generally better for those who follow us?

There was a lot of emotional healing that took place within me over the previous eighteen months before I had the awareness to have written that.

What might have caused such serious questioning of a persons' identity, each person's place in our family of people, and our social responsibility to each other now and in future generations? What was the cause for the emotional trauma and what was the inspiration for this journey? How can it be that someone might mistake their own gender?

BABY OOPS

So, which advice is sager?

1. Treat each and every person with the love, dignity and respect that you would wish for if you found yourself in the same circumstances, or,

2. Be yourself.

It is a question which I had posed in a letter to my daughter (see page 65) in hopes that it would help her to understand and accept me, and one which I would like you to ponder as you read.

I am a woman, however I was born as a baby girl with a male body ('girl-in-a-boy') (oops) in 1954. I was raised and socialized as James Randall, a male. When I was young, I was thin, but athletic. Later, I played sports, dated girls, and had male college roommates and friends, got married, started a business, and had two children. It was many years later and eight years into a healthy and romance-filled relationship with my then wife / now partner, Annie that I discovered that I was female. I was at the not-so-tender age of fifty-three.

Try to imagine the horror that most of your life might be lived in deceitfulness of yourself in such a fundamental way; that the things you would otherwise have learned and the people whom you would otherwise have known, would have led to a completely different place at this time in your life.

Looking backwards and with 20/20 vision, even Annie says that she should have seen 'this' coming. I could agree with every shard of evidence, but only with hindsight. Since then, I have been able to look back, even into my childhood, and say the same thing, "I should have seen this coming!"

Why didn't I see it? After thinking about it, I wasn't so surprised that I missed the signs as they happened. Consider for a moment how most of us never question our religion, patriotism, values, and beliefs that we carry from our childhood which may go forever unchallenged.

For example; consider the notion that a baby or child is often indoctrinated as belonging to a particular religion, which is likely imposed by believing parents and that particular religious body. Trusting authority figures as children do, the child typically would grow up believing that particular religion is a part of him or her, and never question the personal values that other religions and philosophies might offer, or how they might be replaced by notions of their own; completely independent of bias by any external ideas.

In my case, a quick glance between my legs at birth and a blue hospital baby blanket told my parents that, without question, they had a new baby boy. The notion that I was a boy was reinforced to me by the clothes, colors, toys and my name that came with the undisputed truth of my sex; but no one had a clue of my gender. Science was unable to peer into my mind to see that it was feminine and that my body had in fact betrayed me. I was told by the authority of my parents that I was a boy. Like everything else they told me at a tender age, I accepted it as fact and without question.

I can still remember while I was very young, when my mother sat my older brother and me down in the living room to say that we should appreciate how lucky we were to be boys, to be white, and to be Americans. I could not have understood at the time what sexism, racism, or nationalism were then, but I believed every word that she said and I took her words to heart. I felt lucky to have been born into such circumstances. It is no surprise to me now and it should be no surprise to anyone that I was convinced that I was a boy. Any feelings, thoughts, or emotions that I had must therefore be within an acceptable range of behavior among boys, or so I would have thought, if perchance the thought even presented itself. I was a child and a believer, not a critical thinker and I had no inclination or reference with which to disagree.

I, like you and everyone, had no reference as to what 'normal' is. If asked at any tender age (say five to ninety-five), who would or could say that they weren't 'normal' without having any metrics? There is no objective view of 'self'. The fact is that in the same situation you could not either. I belabor this point for an important reason, there are many people who just cannot muster any compassion for those of us who were born into similar circumstances, and who think themselves superior to and ostracize us as a group, even though none of us chooses our parents, our place and time, the social status of our family, the health of our body, or even of our gender at birth.

Socialization is an important part of every person's environment, which is a biological parameter equally important to genetics. I grew up with a 'man's man' for a father, an older brother and two yet older male cousins living next door directing the pathway of my childhood. I had very little in the way of a feminine influence.

Looking back, I can recognize many of the differences in gender traits between myself and those male influences, my brother, father, relatives, and friends; things like a rich compassion for others (which I shared with my mother), the emotions that stirred in me during tender or terrifying moments on television or at the movies, or the fact that I loved to babysit and care for younger children.

When I was a teenager, my mother, Donna and I had an intellectual relationship that was not shared by anyone else in my family, not even my father. My father was bright, but his interests were of a different nature and his thoughts were more often kept within himself. Sometimes, my mother and I would talk until the early morning hours about things my father would likely not find of interest, or so she must have felt. She is gone now, but it is she and my adult younger sister, Teresa (who has also passed on) who I identify with most from my family. They had never heard my name, 'Natalae' applied to me while they lived and breathed, but they know me well now, love me, and support me.

Thinking of my name and how it might have influenced my relationship with my mother and sister while we lived together under the same roof, I wonder, almost with tears, how it might have felt to be called by them using my name so many years ago.

How influential do you suppose it is on a person that their name is feminine or masculine? I think I know. My name, Natalae Jaennae Randall resonates with me as no male name can. Just for an exercise to make my point, pick a name for yourself opposite the sex of your given name and wear it for a few minutes. As uncomfortable as it might feel for you to wear that name and to think you own it and that it owns you too is not unlike how it feels for me whenever I hear, or I am addressed by my legal name, only the discomfort increases with time.

Now imagine that you will always be remembered by that other name and that your real name and your real life will be forever misrepresented by it after you pass-on. Perhaps you can understand how powerful a motivator mistaken identity can be, even while most never take notice of the impact on others who endure this experience. Indeed, few people ever take the time or have the occasion to pose the question to them self in order to think about it, to have compassion for others whose life experience is different from their own in such a fundamental way and to process their own feelings.

I wish that I had known better, that someone would have been able to tell right away and put an 'F' in the appropriate box on my birth certificate. As every other girl does, I could have evolved into the woman that I was intended to be, instead of living inside of the shell of a person which determined how I integrated with my environment and overwhelmingly influenced the path of my life.

My mother and sister did not get along very well in life. It might have been that I could have bridged their differences had I been born 'Natalae', but they stand with arms around each other now as they watch me. I imagine them both smiling at me, wishing me well, or sharing a tear with me from time to time. When my time comes to be with them, they will greet me in their opened arms. That is what I imagine, and that is what I hold on to.

As it is, I am still learning the things that I should have learned as a teenager, and I have learned other things that none of us should ever have to learn; like how heartless and cruel are the eyes with which so many people see me and others as 'different' from themselves.

On the other hand, this is my life and it is as it should be, as it must be; even though it began with a biological deception that was promulgated by everyone who I came in contact with. There are no alternate histories to the life that I have, as I would be different from 'me' for having grown up under alternate circumstances.

As it was, I learned well from my role models. I enjoyed being with my younger sister, Teresa too, but my larger world was male-dominated and I became successful in it.

Had life not played out as it did, I wouldn't have the fond memories that I will always hold dear; having been a prominent member of my community, and my former profession... and of being loved by my children. I would likely have other fond memories, but my children would never be, and there is no way to tell if I would be any happier, or if anyone that I love would be equally or more happy either.

I have no regret of the fact that I am now comfortable being me, Natalae. I am Natalae. After all, who can regret being who they are? I also take responsibility for the pain that others have felt in the wake of what has happened to me. I do not take responsibility for how anyone reacts to me though. People can or can't, will or won't be accepting or tolerant. The choice they make is theirs alone.

I am lucky and I am forever-grateful that Annie and I chose to be partners. She has been hurt horribly, but she made the enormous effort that it took to adapt to me and we have worked together to redefine our relationship. She is a heroine for her commitment, her devotion, and her compassion for me, and I will always love her.

GENDER DYSPHORIA

It was early in the year of 2008 when my mind and body finally became aware that they were at odds; a singularity where who I am needed redefinition from a former male persona and body to me, the feminine me that was there all along, but hidden in a shadow. That is how I would describe what happened, clinically. The word 'transsexual' is a condition where treatment of the body is required to relieve gender dysphoria; the realization that one was born as I was, 'girl-in-a-boy'.

Dysphoria is a word whose rather pleasant phonetics belies its meaning. Try to imagine that in order to participate in this world honestly you would need to interact with friends, family and strangers as the opposite of your biological sex, and that you desperately need to make change happen to your body in order to conform to your mind. Dysphoria is intense emotional discomfort from physical vs. gender expression. The impact on one's life as a result is no less than personal and social inversion.

Picture it, the discovery that your life up to now had only been an illusion, and that the image as you looked into the mirror was a cruel trick played on you in order to keep you from being aware of yourself. You had been manipulated all of those years into believing the lie that is your given name.

Thoughts of self-mutilation and suicide were a daily concern for me over a period of many months. Indeed, the rate of suicide is difficult to believe until you have some basic understanding of how one truly suffers from gender dysphoria.

I think that the word I chose above is accurate, 'inversion'. Natalae, the name I presented to myself, was an unknown quantity. She could no longer carry on living the lie to herself and to others as James; James could no longer live. Natalae was born as all of us are, fearful in a world of uncertainty and desperate for someone to hold us and to make us feel safe.

Instead, feelings of disappointment to others, loss of a sense of purpose, or even how to begin a new life 'in the middle' led inexorably to a feeling of worthlessness as reflected in the eyes and the actions of others, which fortified the suicidal thoughts that persistently followed. But there was more still to stir into the pot, the memories of James preserved and reexamined from the same but new eyes... but there wasn't time to think about that yet. First, one must try to put out the fire.

In February 2008, I planned my own orchiectomy (removal of testicles). I am not a medical doctor, but I felt desperate to escape the entrapment by my male body and the influence of its hormones upon my brain. I thought for a long time about how I could minimize the pain and bleeding, but I knew that there was a high probability that I would lose consciousness in the process and bleed to death, so I asked Annie to help. I pleaded with her to assist me and I couldn't understand how she could be so cruel to me as to refuse to help me, but she would not. I did not know at the time how lucky I was that she refused to help me.

I had started a new job that same month in February 2008, even as dysphoria had overwhelmed me. I maintained a dual life where no one who worked with me in my team environment could know what was happening to me. 'Coming out', or 'coming clean' (being honest about 'who I am') with them was not only unacceptable from the stand point of jeopardizing my new job, but also would violate my compromise with Annie; she would shudder at the thought that others could conclude (wrongfully, of course) that she was a lesbian woman by having a feminine partner. I understood and I respected her boundaries as she was beginning to understand me.

By March 3rd, 2008 I was filling out a 'goal identification form' at the University of Minnesota Center for Sexual Health. In it, I quoted myself, "Better to be the best woman that I can be and be the least among women, than to be among the best of men." That statement was a humble acknowledgment to myself, that I was finally and decisively entering my rightful world that was denied to me, because of my socialization, my genetics, or something which might have happened (or did not happen) while still within my mother's womb (such as the timing of or exposure to certain hormones), or some combination of some or all of those things.

My answer to another question on the form was this, "The potential for mistreatment by those in our society who cannot accept me for the woman that I am is far outweighed by my personal need to bring my body in-line with my female brain and to see myself as the female that I am.

I hate that I am trapped in a male body that seems not my own, and one in which a testicle is spewing forth a repugnant hormone, testosterone, which keeps me from being who I am supposed to be." Additionally, I wrote, "When I lay down to sleep, I can focus on nothing except my illusive self-image. I understand my appearance as a man to be my costume.

I am anxious to discover my true appearance as a female, who wears feminine clothing, has feminine physical appearance and who has an untainted feminine psychology. I intuitively understand many things about what it is to be a woman that I could not understand as a man. Annie has acknowledged to me that 'I get it'.

When I see other women, I imagine how I would feel if I had their hair and clothes. When I close my eyes to go to sleep, the fact that I don't have a mental picture of 'who I am'... creates anxiety. I crave to discover how my physical appearance will dovetail with my mental perception of myself as a girl. I want to get my lips plumped, my breasts to grow and ears pierced, and learn to exercise in order to maximize the feminine characteristics of my body. My anxiety level rises and falls with how I feel about making progress in my physical transformation to female.

My greatest fear is that I will be denied medical treatment of hormones to change my body. I know that the suicide rate for untreated transgender patients is 20% and I can understand why that number is so great. When I feel that I am not making progress toward changing my body to female, my mind becomes so fixated that I am no longer able to concentrate on my schoolwork or on any aspect of my life. I become mentally paralyzed and panicked. I have had disturbing and recurring thoughts of performing my own orchiectomy if I cannot get help soon, even though I know that doing so would risk my life. I often wonder how our tortured ancestral sisters could have dealt with these feelings (being trapped in a man's body) when there was no medical help available for them."

I remember being unable to sleep and feeling desperate when I wrote the letter which follows. It was to my doctor in anticipation of my second scheduled meeting with her,

"March 20th, 2008, 1:28 o'clock a.m.

Dear Dr. R:

I have just taken my second lorazapam [anxiety medication] tonight due to my anxious anticipation of our meeting later today. I know that, as a doctor, you need to understand your patient and that requires accumulating all of the pertinent information from the perspective of your medical profession before treatment can begin. I want you to understand, however, how it feels to be the patient in this process.

As I lay down to go to sleep, I liken the situation to be as if I have stepped on a landmine, gone to the emergency room of a hospital and, although there are no patients ahead of me and ample supply of medical professionals and equipment, that medical procedures require the methodical elimination of all possible medical ailments in alphabetical order (say AIDS, arthritis, asthma...); all the while, my right leg is missing and I am bleeding to death. Further, if I say the wrong thing, or panic or demand a bandage for my leg, I run the risk of causing my doctors to lose concentration on their procedure and forcing them to start over from the beginning of their process of elimination.

In reality, I haven't stepped on a landmine, but I have encountered something as traumatic. The feeling is that the testosterone that courses through my body emanates from a diseased organ not unlike a cancer which pulsates, spewing forth a toxic chemical like the stinger from a bee and keeps me trapped in this inappropriate body. I have never felt so humble and so much at the mercy of anyone as I feel to you – not to you personally, but to you professionally.

I have never wavered from my conclusion that I am a female kidnapped and held hostage in a man's body. In fact, since last week, I have remembered a dream (a rare fact in itself) in which I was a female trying to help another woman with her problem(s) (which I cannot recall). What I do remember is waking and feeling as self-satisfied as I have never felt from any dream. I am as sure that you will eventually find that I am a very strong candidate for treatment, as I would be in an emergency room with my leg blown off from a landmine.

I know that I must wait for the process to evolve so that I can be properly diagnosed, and if that means taking time from my new job to drive four hours and waiting forty minutes in a waiting room to see you for one fifty-minute session each week, or it means walking across broken glass or hot coals to get there, I will. I am desperate for help, yet I understand that I have lorazapam and Prozac [medication for depression] to keep me calm enough to endure the process...

If you look at the questions you gave for me to answer last week, you will see that I filled out all of the information on the same day that you gave it to me. I will not be the cause of any delays in this procedure of diagnosis or treatment. While I found most of the questions highly personal and mostly irrelevant, there are no questions that you could pose to me that I would not answer from my heart and without hesitation.

I very much look forward to seeing you."

That was the voice of gender dysphoria, and my own written words made me cry again to recall the agony of that time in my life.

On March 21st, 2008 the day after I had written the previous letter is the day that I settled on the name which I have ever since and will forever define myself by; Natalae Jaennae Randall. I had wondered for over a month about what my name should be, what would resonate with me. Perhaps it is our name which is the vessel which identifies 'self' and contains our soul. All that I really know is that our name represents 'who we are' and that once I knew my name, I was better prepared to understand the context of 'who I am'.

I relished the new experiences of my rare personal time when I was permitted to be myself and sharing a shard of life in real-time with the rest of the world. I knew who I was as far as my feelings and values, but I was only beginning to become a person in the context of life experience. For example, the act of driving to see my therapist was actually therapeutic and I would travel for about two hours from Rochester to the Twin Cities each way to see her.

I recall the first of many times that I went to see her. Each time, I would spend days anxiously waiting, then hours getting ready at home before sneaking to the car so that no one who lived in nearby apartments would see the surreptitious me.

Once safely anonymous among all other drivers, I would check my smile, and practice my greeting voice at frequent and regular intervals. Sometimes, I looked into my own eyes in the mirror and saw them fill with happy tears. I remember feeling so contented to see my own painted fingernails, rings and bracelets (that Annie let me have) to broadcast my femininity, and I hoped that everyone who passed me on the highway would notice them too. I adjusted my driving habits (daring not to exceed the speed limit) to avoid drawing any attention by police, but as other women drivers passed me on the highway, I would feel like they were my sisters for the first time, and that I was finally within and among the Sisterhood where, in my heart I have always belonged. I respectfully viewed other women by thinking of myself as only a 'member-apprentice', but I knew that I was in my element and proud to be seen as the woman I am... at last.

On March 28th, 2008 one week later, Annie discovered that our insurance would not cover gender identity counseling. Still, I needed to meet with my doctor weekly at first, then bi-weekly. Annie might have secretly hoped that the lack of insurance to fund counseling could wake me from a dream and from a nightmare for her, but she never deceived herself or me. She was the unwitting passenger on a perilous trip and she was holding on with all of her might... for now.

I thought of those who were less fortunate than I was those who would have to come to a full stop when hope had finally arrived because in that same moment, insurance and thereby the means to pursue treatment had failed to cover the costs. I was struck by our social inadequacy through ignorance, intolerance, or indifference to promote access to acknowledged and accepted medical needs.

How could insurance companies, the medical community, and ultimately society at large ignore anything as important to our own sense of self as the ramifications of being born in a body that is the antithesis to one's mind?

Over the following six months I continued with my temporary position, started a new job when that project terminated, and continued with my on-line paralegal studies program. With all of those changes, and continuous therapy, the greatest challenge remained with determining whether Annie and I could make sense out of what might become of 'us'. We took each step together and neither of us knew at the time if we were going in the same direction anymore. Annie became as isolated and lonely as me, and neither of us dared to confide in anyone else about our 'life and times' together. On a daily basis, I could focus on what needed to be done only while I had a target to make progress in aligning my body to me and while knowing I was transitioning slowly enough for Annie to adjust and evolve herself.

TREATMENT  
HRT

Annie signed consent for me to begin hormone replacement therapy (HRT) in September 2008. That same month I had written,

"Annie is not a lesbian. She is not able to think of me, physically, as a man because she knows I am a woman inside of a man's body and she is unable to respond to me sexually. I know that if our roles were reversed, that I would feel the same as she does. While I can hold her, we cannot touch or express ourselves sexually to each other – we are celibate. Annie has lost her husband and lover, but our friendship, respect, and honesty to and for each other sustains us for now. Some days the outlook for our marriage looks bleaker than others, but we take each day as it comes."

Annie's signature was required in order for me to proceed with HRT and it showed that she understood the likely physical effects (and possible side effects) that hormones would have on me, to grow my own breast tissue and redistribute what little body fat that I had, in order to produce a more feminine silhouette, and to accommodate my feminine psyche.

Only Annie could say how much it broke her heart to sign her consent, but I am sure that she was personally hurt to the same degree that I felt relief. Both of us were so lonely, with only ourselves to share our disparate and desperate feelings.

Even after she signed it, I would have to wait for three more months before I could begin the hormone regimen which would help me.

HRT is not without its risks, which is reason for our compassion for those who need treatment but who are physically unable to tolerate their side-effects. What a nightmare to live then, both unable to tolerate treatment and equally unable to tolerate the physical body which is opposite of their gender.

It is dangerous to self-medicate. Temptation may be strong for some who may be reading this to try dangerous methods or procedures, so you must seek professional advice for safe and effective use and monitoring of any medications.

In addition to the consent form which insured that Annie understood the purpose and the health risks associated with HRT, I was required to have a letter from my primary care physician that a regimen of female hormones would not pose an unacceptable health risk before I could begin taking them in December 2008.

I would come to learn that, HRT, would have both a physical and psychological effect on me; to make a significant change in overcoming what time under the influence of 'boy' had already done to my body, but also to have an even more significant role in the immersion or marriage of a new self-awareness to a newly developing body.

All of the while, the only times that I was allowed to feel comfortable, the only times that I had to express myself honestly was to occasionally dress in feminine clothes to see a doctor or a therapist, or very rarely to shop. Otherwise, I could dress in feminine clothing only at home on Sunday, Monday, or Tuesday nights, and only if Annie was agreeable; I needed to ask her permission first. Annie rarely answered 'no', but sometimes she needed to and I wouldn't beg the question.

It is nearly impossible to overstate how important and fulfilling each step was in transitioning my body to become in line with my feminine persona. The completion of each milestone meant that I could take a breath and smile briefly before becoming focused on the next step. Between steps I felt as though I was under water and holding my breath. With each and every delay, I would feel panicked because I needed to breathe again but felt as though I just couldn't 'hold my breath' any longer.

Many things can be done in order to enhance feminine appearance and self-esteem, few of which cost little or no money. I won't go over all of the physical changes made to my body, but will emphasize the emotional and other costs and benefits that I experienced due to some of them. The most profound concern, which I worried about throughout the entire process, was my potential personal cost should I lose my partner and my best-ever friend, Annie.

Annie once told me that I can make adjustments and adaptations to transition two ways; I can run and get there alone, or I can walk at a pace where she can try to keep up. There was never any guarantee that she could keep up. I wouldn't run as a result, although it was my impulse and instinct to do so. I am ashamed to say that there were times when I realized that I was running and needed to stop and reach back for Annie.

From the beginning, Annie and I have been honest about our feelings and there had never been a betrayal of our trust. Since we had first known, it had been a delicate balancing act for me to transition at a pace where I threatened our relationship the least, while still being able to meet the personal goals which were fueled by sometimes unbearable anxiety. Even with a good sense of center mass, it would be nearly impossible to know if Annie and I could endure the tension, but I rarely had a good sense of where the 'center' was. Emotions and attitudes for each of us were 'all over the map' while I was dealing with dysphoria. Annie wondered what would be the final result of all of this uncertainty in our lives as much as I did.

Annie didn't 'sign up' to be married to a girlfriend-roommate who is not even of her choosing; someone who was evolving before her eyes into someone new... and she pointedly or angrily reminded me of that fact from time to time.

She knew that mine was not a dalliance into the female world and as a consequence, her life plans were as uncertain as my own. Annie had to find her own inner strength and a renewed sense of independence. In addition, Annie had to feel self-reliant and ready for anything. Importantly, she needed to weigh whether the hope that she could trust Natalae, as she had trusted her husband, was worth the investment of her time that it would require, another unknown.

Annie knew that I needed treatment and that each step which lessened my pain added to hers. I would soon be on a hormone regimen and planning to have surgery, both would create irreversible physical changes in me that would challenge the idea of 'us' for her.

Normalcy for both Annie and me was just trying to hold on while pretending to each other that we were not at all alarmed. There was a need for us to communicate but it was balanced with the understanding that we also needed time for everything else, to just take a break from discussing, and sometimes ignoring our greatest and omnipresent challenges. Still, the pressure was just too much for Annie and it eventually affected her health.
CHAPTER 2 – COMING CLEAN  
CHILDREN AND FAMILY

On April 16th, 2009 I had written to my therapist, "Annie had an anxiety attack a little over a week ago during work. Afterwards, she told all of her co-workers about me (previously, only two of them had known) and that seemed to relieve a lot of pressure on her. We are now discussing whether to tell my father, then my children, then her son, and then everyone else in my family. I want to, and I think that it may alienate some or many of them from me, but they may become closer to Annie as a result too, which would make her healthier. I think it is difficult for her not to have other people know, but she has to decide whether she can handle any changes that result between her and the people who learn about the 'real' me.

As for me, I would like them all to know. I used to be very protective of my 83-year-old conservative – curmudgeon father, but Annie pointed out to me that it is unlikely that someone won't tell him from associations that he has where she works or that he might hear from someone who sees my closet (or even my desk).

I would rather tell him face-to-face with a little respect than for him to hear from someone else... My cue is when Annie tells me she feels that the time is right. I think she is almost ready to take the plunge and tell everyone. The only problem is that we can't see in advance how they will react and then take the information back should they react negatively."

For the first fourteen months almost no one aside from Annie and me shared the rarely charted territory and challenges which plagued our relationship. We needed to judge for ourselves whether we were up to the challenges that we faced together, even while the environment of isolation, stress and anxiety were our constant companions.

The need for targeting the next physical change to my body exceeded any possible reaction to the 'news of me' by my family. The drive for change was inexorable, but Annie was made aware of each and every step before plans were made.

In May 2009 I scheduled my long-awaited orchiectomy for October 2009. Removal of my testicles was critical, as described in my letter of March 20th, 2008 "The...diseased organ not unlike cancer that pulsates, spewing forth a toxic chemical like the stinger from a bee and keeps me trapped in this inappropriate body." It would be a long five months to wait, but having the next target was critical for me to endure the suffering and there were many other challenges to face before then.

Annie and I decided that the time had finally arrived for me to 'come clean' about 'who I really am' to my family. We prepared to explain to my two adult children first, and then to my father, that I needed to present myself honestly to them. We both hoped and prayed that they would find the compassion, understanding, support, and acceptance that we both needed in order to deal with the challenges that we faced. On May 6th, 2009 I wrote to my therapist about the support that we found,

"... I spoke to my son, Adam on Friday (May 1st). As planned, he was the first to be aware of my feminine identity because he is first born and lives in Colorado (where I cannot speak to him face-to-face). Not only did he take the news well, but even said that he was proud of me for having the courage to say the truth and that I was thoughtful for planning to tell not just him, but also my daughter, Abby and my father, Bud.

That following Sunday, I took Abby for a drive and talked with her... We sat beside a stream in rural Wisconsin where I told her about me, and how Annie's and my relationship had changed. Abby was also very supportive and said that she felt 'relieved' because I hadn't seemed comfortable in my own skin recently, and that she knew there was something about me which had changed. She continued that what I had told her made sense; in that it explained why.

The next day, (Monday), Abby and my dad invited Annie and me for a dinner that Abby would prepare for us. Abby knew that we were also planning to talk to my father (Bud). She later told me that she had mentioned to Bud that we were planning to tell him something important.

After dinner, Abby left to call her boyfriend and the three of us were alone. I told my father everything and explained why I was telling him. You may recall that Bud is a very conservative Bush-loving Republican and that I was sure he wouldn't understand, but I was wrong.

He too was very supportive, even though there were times when I could tell that his logic was competing with his conservative values.

If you are wondering if I might have 'sugar-coated' anything, I didn't. Let me list some of the things I mentioned to each of them:

I am a person who identifies as female, I prefer to wear woman's clothing, I am taking feminizing hormones, my new identity has severely compromised my marriage with Annie who recognizes me as a woman, thus is not attracted to me sexually, Annie and I are seeing therapists for different reasons as a result, Annie has had an anxiety attack at work due to the stress of our situation, the duration of our marriage is uncertain, but that we are working on our relationship based upon our friendship and commitments that we made to each other.

All of the responses were more positive than Annie and I could have hoped for. However, Annie felt that, because the responses were so positive, that none of them could appreciate how difficult all of this had been for her. As a result, she had mixed feelings. We'll see in the coming weeks and months just how positive things will really be."

Each of them, to our relief (but not surprise), seemed very supportive... and why shouldn't they be? I was well-respected and liked and my partner was obviously making an effort to show her support (although she was showing a great deal of stress too).

My aging father strongly advised that I should not tell my siblings, saying that, 'now was not the right time', because of some unrelated internal family issues. I reluctantly conceded, but made the point that it was dishonest not to tell them, and that they would eventually need to know.

The three most important members of my family were now aware, and it would only be a matter of time before everyone would be offered the opportunity to learn the truth of me.

Soon I focused on the next goal in treatment – surgery.

On August 22nd, 2009 I wrote this update to my therapist,

"... Yesterday, I met once again with Dr. L. (surgeon) to discuss orchiectomy... I told him that you were certain that orchiectomy would be covered by insurance. He told me that insurance can be fickle, I told Dr. L. that in the event that surgery would not be covered... I would consider other ways to 'disable' the offending organ. He said that there is a drug that could do the job, but it is too expensive ($700/3months). I suggested choking the blood supply. Dr. L. said that would be painful, to which I replied, "All that I need is a leather strap to sink my teeth into, as long as I know that the desired outcome will be accomplished."

Dr. L. looked back at me with a half-smile. I am sure that he understands how much this surgery means to me, and I know that he has my best interest at heart (I trust him).

Also Dr. L. repeated that a 'wall' can be created (minimizing effectiveness) by an over-optimum dosage of estradiol (estrogen feminizing hormone) along with the interplay of testosterone and the pituitary gland. Then he surprised me by saying that I needed a prescription increase of estradiol from 6 to 8mg/day. I was taken aback, but I didn't ask any questions. I reasoned that first; he knows what he is doing better than I, second, maybe he is thinking that it's likely insurance will cover the surgery and he needs to start building estrogen in my blood before 'tuning' the concentration with measured doses of testosterone post-surgery (crossing my fingers).

What about Annie?

She had forgotten that I had a meeting scheduled with Dr. L. She knew that I have been anxiously waiting to meet with him since I last saw him on May 28th! She asked me what the meeting was for, just after we had gotten to bed on Wednesday night August 19th (two days prior to appointment). When I told her, she became agitated. I could see that she had taken a few steps backward regarding acceptance of the idea of orchiectomy.

She sees my progress as an irresistible force (not her words) to which she is required to adapt... She pointed out that this is always about me, and that for each step taken closer to where I need to be, the effect is to widen the gulf that divides her from me. I told her that if the situation was reversed, that I would support her needs to be at peace with her body. I told her that I would postpone the appointment with Dr. L. if it were not too late to do so, in order to talk more about this (it being late, we were both tired, and I had to be at work at 7 o'clock a.m.). She acquiesced, acknowledging the eleventh hour of the impending appointment.

Last night, we had time to talk as soon as I was home from my appointment. As luck would have it, Annie also had a meeting with her therapist yesterday. She spoke of it. She told her therapist that there is a 'power-struggle' going on between her son (Jeremy) and me, which I do not understand.

She also told her that she is no longer in a marriage relationship with a husband; that I have transformed completely into a woman. I pressed her on that assertion. I first asked her if she no longer saw 'James' when I whistled songs, or when she saw me studying, or when I was taking her...she interrupted; 'No!' She said that the changes in me have been completely transformative (not her words)...

I can tell that I am not the same person, yet I have all of the same memories, and many (not all) of the same values and interests. To me, the transformation was profound, but did not leave me unrecognizable. She assured me that I was indeed, unrecognizable as 'James'. She just cannot address me by my rightful name, Natalae.

How did this make me feel? (1) Very comfortable with myself to look back and see how far I have come and to realize how much more at peace that I am with myself at this time (present testicular crisis excluded). (2) Very sympathetic to Annie, to see how wide the gulf is for her to live with me, compared to her very happy and satisfying life with James. She is 100% 'straight' and I know how that feels; James was 100% straight, Natalae is not the same. (More on this later (see Natalae 3.a) below).

I told Annie that I can understand her feelings toward me by thinking of how I would feel if she had changed into 'Bob' and I remained James – that I would also lose the sexual/intimacy bond in our relationship, and how lost I would feel if I were confronted with a partner who had transformed into someone who was unrecognizable as Annie. I explained that, as Natalae, I am still in love with Annie and that my feelings for her have not changed or diminished.

This is so complex, yet so simple (hear heavy sigh). I told Annie that, among any feminine traits that I had as 'James', perhaps the most profound was my sense of loyalty to our relationship. I said that if our relationship fails now, it won't be because I didn't try to save it, but that I would never blame Annie for leaving. I understand that I may just be too much for her to deal with.

Bottom lines for our relationship are:

Annie

1. Annie sees 'us' as "house-partners"

a) We both love our apartment complex and the internal environment (decorating) that we have created together.

b) "House partners" is a not-so-subtle reference that there is little in common that our current relationship has with the loving marital relationship that we enjoyed pre-Natalae.

2. Annie feels cheated (not her word) out of the life that she had planned, with her husband at its "center" (her word).

3. Annie grieves over the loss of her husband.

a) Natalae's presence (as a less than equally desirable substitute for James) has likely served to extend the grieving period.

4. That period may be coming to an end now. Annie said, yesterday, that she has recently cried (in my company and not) and that she now has no more tears to cry, that there is no useful purpose in crying; to which, I replied, that perhaps the tears actually played a role in healing, and the fact that she needs to cry no more may indicate that she has gone through all or part of the grieving process.

5. Annie would not seek another intimate relationship in the event that ours should fail. It is too high a cost in terms of energy, time and risk of being ultimately hurt or disappointed.

Natalae

1. I want to make Annie happy.

2. I want Annie to accept me as her female life partner.

a) Begin making plans together to maximize the joys that our life together can hold understanding the loss of what we had shared in the past as pleasant memories (for her, as a better life).

3. If Annie leaves me, I will not pursue another relationship.

a) My gender transformation has affected my sexual attraction; not to men, but to women. I find myself under the influence of what must be a typical (straight) female perspective in the view of other women: I see them as sisters (I include myself in the 'Sisterhood'). In other words; I am losing sexual interest. Why? In addition to the aforementioned 'influence of...female perspective' (perhaps from hormones, perhaps from the general transformation of 'James' to Natalae), the contemplation of seeking an intimate relationship with another woman (in the event that Annie leaves me) includes ultimately disclosing that I happened to have been born 'girl-in-a-boy'. Understanding how devastating that would likely be to someone that I care about invalidates the idea of ever becoming intimate in the first place (truly sad, isn't it?)...

b) Pursuit of a loving partner is a protracted high energy endeavor under ideal circumstances, and would seem to be prohibitive for me (I can imagine... time involved in pursuit would be proportionately higher).

What about Adam, Abby and my father...how are they dealing with the knowledge of Natalae? Short answer is – not much. No one is ready to see me in clothes that don't belong to James, and no one is even close to referring to me as Natalae or relating to me as a woman.

Abby is the closest, physically. She comes to visit from time to time. I came out and just asked her once, how is she doing with the knowledge that her father is...me. Abby responded with questions. She seems fixated on the 'how' and 'why', which keeps her from really knowing 'who I am' now.

I am patient; I will give her time and hope that she will try to overcome her doubt for my explanations... Of course, how I became me is interesting from an intellectual perspective, but is no longer relevant to 'who' I am. I spend little time or energy reviewing the subject. On further reflection, I think it unwise to try to explain to others 'what happened'. It is akin to explaining what kind of cancer that you had. It is too personal for casual conversation and leaves the listener with a feeling that the person (Natalae) is a biological function of a process or disease, rather than, for whatever reason, I have Natalae (the person) here before me.

Adam and I speak regularly on the phone and enjoy each other's company (he still lives in Denver). Abby told me that the two of them spoke about me (imagine!) and Adam mentioned that, in a way, he is glad to be so far away so that he doesn't have to deal with this (issue). Ouch...but I understand.

My father is like the military in this regard; 'don't ask, don't tell'. We don't talk about it since I told him – not too dissimilar from Adam..."

Then I closed with this; "I miss your company. You are still the only person who knows me, and refers to me as Natalae...and it feels so good to me just to hear my name spoken."

Although no one was cheering me on, this was a joyous time for me personally. When my father and my children finally knew the truth of me, I felt a great burden removed from my shoulders. Eventually, everyone in my family would know 'who I am'. Until then, I had felt that we (Annie and I) were lying by withholding the truth from them. No one would actually be 'in my corner', but I could see the greatest single source of my gender dysphoria coming to an end with the scheduled date for surgery approaching.

I was practically holding my breath in anticipation of surgery scheduled for October, but the drama was far from over. On September 20th, 2009 I wrote this update to my therapist,

"Diane,

... Annie's meeting (September18th, 2009) indicated that she is not as accepting of our relationship as I had thought and as she had indicated on the previous day. That is not to say that we are not still committed to trying to make this work for the foreseeable future, but that Annie has not graduated from the grief stage of losing her husband, even though she recognizes that I am no longer male by any measure.

An important obstacle that she told me about (that she covered that day in therapy) is the absence of ANY male influence in her life (aside from her son, Jeremy). She leaves an all-female work environment each day to come home to me. She feels that there isn't room in our household for two women who take time for baths, fingernails, hair, and the like. Those activities were things she enjoyed as the only girl. She has lost her desire to do them as I have developed mine. She also has less desire to do 'fun' things with me (Valley Fair, museums, Omni Theater, etc.) because it is so much less fun when going with your girlfriend than with your 'heart-throb'.

We exchanged many tears and for hours on Friday. She was drinking alcohol, and wondered aloud, what do we have left after the intimacy had gone?... not just the physical (she's not interested in touching, holding, or caressing another woman (understandable)), but the light-hearted comments about 'the night before' and all references to the closeness we shared.

I responded that we still have communication, respect for one-another, honesty, partnership and friendship. Then I said, 'it could have been worse... after transitioning, I might have simply left altogether, as some do.' She stopped to ponder, looking at a spot on the ceiling... I went on. Would it have been better if I had left? She continued to ponder (I began to feel quite uncomfortable). I pressed, would it be better if I left now? Annie was silent for several moments.

The silence was deafening. I announced that I was going to bed, and proceeded to go there without hearing any response from her. I felt crushed and hoped it was the influence of the alcohol that spoke to me through her silence. I didn't think that I would be able to sleep, but I did; and I heard Annie come to bed a few hours later. I remained silent.

The next (Saturday) morning I asked Annie if she remembered our conversation before going to bed and she had. I told her that her silence implied to me that she would be happier to live without me rather than with me, and that I should leave. We had another long talk and she assured me that she still loves me and wants us to succeed as a couple. More tears... then she hugged me and even kissed me on my lips (very rare!).

Now it seems again, that we are at the same place that I described to you on Friday, but there is much uncertainty and there are many 'triggers' that can send signals (most I cannot see) that can send Annie into a tail-spin. This episode also shows how much a rollercoaster our lives can be together. No one can predict outcome, and I cannot see how either of us can prepare for a future without an 'us' in the equation."

While we had taken many 'steps' in our journey together, each new step still challenged our hopes of staying together; not exactly the formula for a celebration for either of us, but we both knew that there was something between us that was worth our combined pain.

Of course, there was more pain to follow for Annie; surgery was still on the calendar for the following month.

Aside from myself, only my doctor understood how important surgery was to me. While Annie correctly viewed it as a personal need from the start without understanding it, my doctor knew exactly what was happening with me. On October 1st, 2009 I wrote to her,

"Dear Diane,

I have good news to share. After all of the doubts, hoops to jump through, and itinerant target dates, suddenly, the stars and planets align... Surgery is confirmed for October 28th! No one will likely see a difference in me. Few, if any, can know how liberated I will feel...

I am sure you are sharing a smile at my happiness."

After planning our next meeting post-surgery, I followed up with my therapist by telling her,

"... I know that you, more than anyone else, understand how much this means to me, and I know that you are sincere when you wish me the best. I cannot think of anything that I have looked more forward to since my children were born..."

Annie's turn came to be strong for us. On Friday, October 9th, 2009 Annie told her son, Jeremy, about me. Annie spoke to him in the living room over several hours while I feigned studying coursework in my bedroom. I worried about how his reaction could affect Annie and me. She told him that she didn't need to be rescued (our biggest worry for his possible reaction) and he responded that he wouldn't think of trying to save her, that she is fully capable of taking care of herself. Afterward, he hadn't reached out to me at all to talk, but rather kept me at arm's length while keeping his mother close.

Importantly, even though the closest family members (my children, my father, and Jeremy) now knew 'what' I am, that I am a woman, it was not acceptable to Annie or to them that I be seen in women's clothing while in their presence. I had hoped that they would eventually learn to accept me. Though disappointed, I still had my surgery date later in the month to focus on and to keep me feeling positive.

SURGERY

On October 28th, 2009 I would know a sense of peace that could only be fulfilled by surgery. I know that sentence might sound strange out of context, so I will make an analogy; orchiectomy to me was like removing a gangrenous third leg, which would eventually kill me. Not only would surgery be life-saving but also life-enhancing. In both cases, I would be freed from the fear of being overcome physically and emotionally by an unwanted and threatening part of my body, but its removal would also bring the added benefit of allowing me to become more engaged in my life and to feel more at peace with myself. In one case you are better able to walk and run, and in both cases you would feel more likely to participate in life and feel ready to be accepted by others in a world where tolerance varies substantially among individuals.

In my case and by having surgery, I could realize the real me without the influence of a part of my body, which was no less offensive or threatening to me as gangrene. Acceptance and tolerance by others were still unknowns that I would deal with later... they were not unconsidered, but certainly less than equal to the anguish of living with the inconsistency of my body to my mind.

Finally, the day had arrived October 28th, 2009 the day of surgery. I took time that morning to pen this little note to my therapist,

"... ANNIE AND I WILL BE LEAVING FOR FAIRVIEW HOSPITAL IN 20 MIN. TODAY IS THE DAY FOR MY SURGERY – A DAY THAT I WILL REMEMBER AS LIBERATION DAY. — NATALAE"

Annie would still not call me by my name, which hurt me terribly! On the other hand, I will always remember how very supportive she was of me before I had surgery, even though for her, it signified another permanent and unwanted change to our relationship.

I won't bore you with the details of the surgery, except to say that it was a dream fulfilled, which was key to preserving my sense of self, unencumbered by a masculine influence. I never anticipated that my memory of Annie on that day would be equally joyous.

In my notes of things to bring up in an upcoming first post-surgery meeting on November 5th, 2009 with my therapist, I wrote,

"Annie knew how important the day of my surgery was to me, and that to preserve my dignity, I needed to present myself as 'a woman who needed help with a problem' rather than 'a man who was trying to change into a woman'. Also, recognizing that I would be unable to wear any makeup or jewelry on the day of surgery, Annie helped me to clear my facial hair with tweezers over the previous three days so as to minimize any shadow from shaving my face on the day of surgery.

While in the office waiting room, Annie fussed with my hair to help me to feel confident. Annie suggested better hair; she said that I need something that looks more natural for a 'girl my age'. She explained to me that the monochromatic hair color that I used made my hair appear less natural than it could look. She plans to have suggestions for me. We will be looking on-line together for some styles and colors..."

Not only was Annie completely supportive during the moments of my greatest need and vulnerability, but she actually became engaged and helpful in my physical metamorphosis.

In the same notes I wrote,

CONCLUSION

I feel an enormous sense of accomplishment. I am crying with joy as I write this because, finally... I have completed the most urgent of all the physical changes that I have hoped for in order for my body to become closer to my female self. I am finally feeling that my soul is closer to sea level – I am becoming me, Natalae Jaennae Randall. I breathe easier now, and more breaths are through a mouth that smiles.

I am so grateful to Annie for staying with me. I call it something else now, but I remember when James felt the very same way about Annie and he called it love. Annie has been more than gracious to me. She has struggled in so many ways, dealing with the simultaneous loss of her husband and the emergence of Natalae, the girlfriend.

Annie was there for me. About a week before my surgery I commented to Annie that I appreciated that she had not said anything that might take away from my happy anticipation of that date. She no longer dreads my thoughts of needing an orchiectomy; she rightfully sees me as a different person than James... James is no more. I am still discovering my own answers for what life is for me – Natalae.

Annie does not want to call me Natalae, but she knows that I am Natalae... She cannot identify with me, but she understands how important this is for me. She also counts on me to be no less loyal – a pride that grounds me.

I feel that Annie and I have finally discovered an equilibrium between us that allows us to feel that we know each other as friends – first and foremost, which encompasses the importance of honesty and sincerity, and who are promising to 'be there' for the other, 'no matter what'. We remain true to our vow to be faithful to each other. What we have is not perfect, yet it is comfortable and is probably enviable for what most couples of all kinds have.

REDEFINING LOVE and MARRIAGE

Annie and I have recognized that terms of endearment once shared, no longer mean the same. Although I do still love her, I tell her things that mean the same to me, "Sweet mustard sauce... and apple juice... all over you!", and she will respond in kind, "Gooey caramel sauce back at ya". This allows us to keep something special for our relationship, even though we experienced the loss of more intimate closeness...

CONCERNS FOR THE FUTURE

Finally, all of the people who are closest to me know that I am a woman, but only Annie knows me personally. My son, Adam, sometimes seems to know me, but has only spoken to me over the telephone (he's due back from Denver before Thanksgiving – I cannot wait to see him again). My daughter, Abby, my father, and Jeremy have never seen me presented as I would prefer.

No one seems ready to see me as myself, rather than the person who tries to imitate their no-longer accurate picture of me. They are in a kind of denial state that, in effect, rejects me. By not helping me to be the person that they now know I am, they are keeping Natalae from having a relationship with them.

PLANS

I will begin to clear facial hair, electrolysis, in February or sooner. Annie and I were planning to pay off the University of Minnesota Center for Sexual Health by February 2010 before pursuing this, but we have paid them off earlier than we had expected.

I remain content to wait until February (thinking Annie needs to catch her breath as often as me), but the wait will be less if Annie is okay with sooner rather than later..."

It was almost time to celebrate Thanksgiving and I had so much to be thankful for. In addition to a healthier self-image, I hadn't seen my son, Adam, for so long, or my other relatives. Annie and I eagerly anticipated the holidays.
CHAPTER 3 – BETRAYAL

Adam's arrival from Denver on November 21st, 2009 set the stage for a wonderful holiday season.

I dressed respectfully to the expectations of everyone else, thus disrespectfully of myself, while I was with family in my father's home for Thanksgiving.

I will never know what my father noticed about me, whether it was something I said, or did, or perhaps something imagined, but it apparently caused him to reconsider his support for me. The ramifications of what happened inside of his head had immediate and everlasting impact on me and on others who supported me, as well as others who had not yet learned that I am a woman because of his request to postpone telling them.

The support that I felt from May 2009 when I told Adam and Abby and my father then quickly evaporated. On November 28th, 2009 the day after Thanksgiving, I wrote to my doctor,

"Tonight, I have learned that my daughter, Abby, thinks that I am a 'joke', and that my 83-year-old father wishes that I had never told him about my (female) self. 'Slam – Dunk', is what I thought when I heard the news.

This is complicated. How can I love someone so much, as I love my daughter and know that she thinks of me as a joke? That kind of relationship – anywhere – is unhealthy and destructive, right? My self-worth would reduce to zero by praising the person whose eyes see me as she does. Yet she is my daughter. It is impossible to feel indifferent or to un-love her. I will always love my daughter. No father anywhere, has ever loved his 'forever little girl' more than I love Abby. She is the lump in my throat and my ever-ready tear when I think of how she has impacted and enriched my life, just by being her.

So how do I /don't I react to how she now feels about me? I don't know. Will I greet her with a hug? I don't think so. She isn't interested in who or what her father has become. She just wants something that is impossible to have, her father in the shape and persona as James. Understandable, as it would be for Annie to have left me when she realized that she cannot have her husband back. Abby recognizes that Annie is incredibly strong, to have learned -in detail- the metamorphosis of James to me... and to continue to be loyal to the 'us' that remained – even if she (Abby) is not curious to know of those details, or of the person who remains.

Abby is too busy, with her very busy life, to even have the physical energy required to deal with how I make her feel, never mind the emotional energy. Like anyone, she wouldn't relish the thought of engaging with this very painful and complex socio-political-legal-family-psychological issue – me... and she really doesn't have the time.

Restated, she does not and will not have time for me... or for the interminable love that I feel for her. The living memory of her father has been contaminated by the 'joke' that I have become to her, and she cannot feel love from a joke. No one can.

For her to feel as she does, she must have felt ripping in the fabric of her heart as she learned how cruel fate had been to her dad, and in turn, to her (not unlike Annie). He had changed into... something unrecognizable... ugly, embarrassing, and unwanted...

I also suffer.

All of the feelings that I have for the important people in my life have emanated from the single heart that I have shared with James for the entirety of 'our' life. I am female, but there is absolutely NO difference in the way that I feel towards anyone that I know or love.

So, the fabric of my heart also tears, as I watch 'my little girl' and others reclaim the love or respect that they once had for me, while mine continues, painfully.

What's next?

Learning who I am, which started at a pace once set by desperation tempered by prescription meds and commitment and patience for Annie, has finally slowed to a near halt after almost twenty brutal months, but is continuous, as it should for everyone, right?

I am finally feeling close to being me. Additionally, Annie and I are feeling our feet bear more weight on solid earth. I am in love with Annie, as I have been... always. Annie knows this to be true. However, she has reclaimed the kind of love (romantic love) that I still feel for her. She had to, and I understand that. I would feel as she does if the table was turned.

Also, I have become an 'object', but not just as in the predictable demeaning sense of the word. I am named, (by all aside from you and other health-care providers) as my former self; my legal name, which ensures that Natalae will never be known...I will live only as Natalae pretending to be James- a puppet (object) to those whom I interact with. I am banished to the margins of society, an outlier-statistical no-one, and now from my own daughter, object de-ridicule.

What's important?

What remains between Annie and I is what will remain forever or until 'life' happens again. I cross my fingers. But Annie would correctly say, "Yaw never know!", or "S--t happens!"

The road to this point can be described as 'bumpy', but it was also lonely, grueling, frustrating, and dangerous – for me, for Annie, and for our relationship. We are still getting accustomed to the feeling that we will survive this.

What I hope for is a future together with Annie. For now, I think that we hope for the same thing. That is how we live... for now. Many others who have found themselves on this path succumbed to suicide or divorce (or both). I feel their pain too, still not knowing how family and I will fit together. No matter how I feel at any given moment, the fact that Annie has stayed with me, is reason to know that I am very lucky today.

What I wish for...

Is to be known, accepted, and loved by my family.

That would be a wish on a star.

Natalae"

In response to my therapist's questions to my letter, I added the following on December 1st, 2009,

"...Abby's initial response was not 'faked'. I remember the conversation with Abby when I told her and she was somewhat relieved. She was worried about me and thought that there might be something seriously wrong with my health. She said that I didn't seem comfortable in my own skin. She told me later, that before I told my father, that she had mentioned to him that I needed to have a serious talk with him. She didn't divulge what I was going to say, but she told him that I needed his support and understanding. I cannot say what might have happened between then and now. She did have a conversation with me (and Annie) a couple of times. She seemed so puzzled about how this happened that (it seems to me) she could not go beyond that point to see who I am.

Annie plans to talk to Abby (I hope soon) and to offer some answers to her questions. Annie prefers to be the 'go-to' person on the subject of 'me'. She said that her experience in coping and adjusting makes her uniquely qualified to listen to others' concerns. In addition, she has come to a comfortable place where she accepts our lifestyle and her confidence will have a calming effect on the unsure. It did seem to work for Jeremy – he was the person that I most feared would react unfavorably. Now, even though we have never had a close relationship, he seems the most grounded and accepting of me (I hope I never hear the other shoe drop!). I also think that Annie makes a good 'point person' for another reason as well, by reasoning the concerns about me with others, I think it may have a health benefit for her. In addition, she doesn't need to wonder how people feel about her and me when she is the person they are confiding in.

She would probably be correct to assume that people would most likely speak unabashedly about questions they have, and therefore, come away better informed by speaking with her vs. me. As a matter of fact, it would be much more difficult for Abby and I to have a heart-to-heart – now that I know that she considers me less than her equal.

I will mention the book "True Selves" [by Mildred R. Brown and Chloe Ann Rounsley] and the web for Annie to suggest to Abby that it might be a good idea for her to learn more and pre-judge less."

December 24th, 2009, less than one month later, will be forever infamous to me. I had become such an anathema to my father that he tricked Annie and me to think that the family Christmas celebration would be postponed in order to keep us from participating. He has always, and continues to love and adore Annie, but he so detested me that he sacrificed her company and her participation in the holiday in order to insure that I would not be there to contaminate his space.

My father was so resolute in his conviction, that he either could not foresee, or did not care that other family members would miss Annie and me. They learned of his deception during the family Christmas celebration and they called Annie and me at home wondering why we weren't there. We, of course, responded in shock and disappointment. When confronted by the others in our family, my father expressed how he felt about me.

Feelings within my family were soon inflamed.

I wrote to my doctor about it in a letter from January 12th, 2010,

"...'Pain' is a word that I have used often lately, to describe what I am to so many people.

Before our last meeting on November 5th, 2009 I had written to you about Annie and me finding equilibrium... Since that time, much has happened to put our relationship back to where we had to crawl out from before. I hope Annie has the energy and the stamina to do it again, but it may be harder this time. Now there are family members on my side who support her while rejecting me.

Here's the scoop...

... On Christmas Eve, Abby called me to see why Annie and I weren't there to share in the family celebration. We told her that we were misinformed about the plans, and soon everyone there was aware that something was wrong that involved my father. As uncomfortable as he appeared to those he was with, he would say nothing at first, but then told them how he felt about me. Annie and I were both shocked to learn that he had done this to us. He hurt Annie collaterally, because he could not bear to be in my company!

The result was a face-to-face with my younger siblings, Roger and Lynn, at our home.

Lynn came to our apartment alone on the day before she and Roger came together. Annie and I told her about me. Lynn was very receptive. She planned to become closer to me, meet me for lunches, go shopping and answer some of the hundreds of questions that I had by not having opportunity to grow up socialized as a girl. Annie looked forward to this as well. She is not always comfortable with answering my questions.

Lynn then told us about when our sister Teresa had reached out to her in her time of need. Lynn said that she was too busy to be bothered by her phone call. Then we all heard the news that Teresa had passed on. Lynn was in tears recalling that she wished that she had taken time for her.

She told us that when she came back in the next day or two in Roger's company, that we should not let him know that she had been here. I didn't know why she wouldn't want him to know, but I did not ask. Annie and I were grateful to have my sister in support of us and we were happy to appease her.

The meeting with Lynn and Roger together the next day did not go well. Roger explained that he has 'strong family values' and that he doesn't agree with what I have 'done'. I expected as much from him. Lynn has been a nurse for most of her adult life and, I expected her to shed some light for Roger to see through his own rigid barriers. She instead became a turncoat and firmly planted her flag with Roger in opposition to me! Annie and I watched as our hopeful expectations from Lynn vanished. She would not help other family members to see that I need them and their love and support now, which is what I asked of them.

Instead, I heard of her anger the following day, the fact that Roger cannot look at me anymore and that he wanted to "shake" me while he was here, and that my older brother, Dan who lives in Arizona told Roger to tell me that he doesn't want me to even call him (actually, Roger couldn't even call me to say that, he told Lynn, who called Annie and Annie told me).

All of them are showing support for Annie – offering to let her stay with Lynn's family for any weekend to get away from me, and all of them saying how much they admire her and that 'no matter what happens', that she will always be a part of their family. I decided to write a letter to each of my siblings (attached 'Gauntlet'). The only response, so far, is one that hurt too badly for me to read alone. Annie read it to me, also attached. I am not planning to respond to it, because I think doing so would only divide us more.

Bright spots: Adam has demonstrated that he is a confident supporter. I am so proud of him. He has told me that however anyone has reacted, they do so out of pain and that I need to 'just be patient'.

The second bright spot is Bill. He has been my best friend since we met as juniors in high-school in 1971. He got his Christmas card returned this year, because I hadn't contacted him to let him know that we had moved. I called him to thank him for sending one and explained that I didn't contact him because I was afraid to tell him the truth about me, that it might be easier for him to think we had just lost touch and gone separate ways.

I told him how my siblings reacted and that I would send the letter I had just sent to my siblings that morning to him as well. He called me later to say that he tried to write an email response, but that he had to call me instead. He told me that the letter I sent actually made him cry. I have never seen him cry and I would have guessed he could never cry. He called me James, and then he corrected himself... 'I mean Natalae...' He then said that, of course he understood and that Annie and I were always welcome to visit them and I would be welcome to be dressed as Natalae. He also was surprised at Lynn's response. He remembered that she had such a 'big heart'.

All of this has picked a big scab for Annie and me. I cry a lot and so does she. She was told at her last therapy session that she could schedule out six months. I am guessing that she will schedule sooner, but I don't know much of anything with confidence anymore...

Natalae"

On January 3rd, 2010 I had written this letter referenced above named 'Gauntlet' to my older brother. As I was a member in former good standing within my family, and for the fact that he and my sister Lynn were in medical professions, I had expected understanding and support from them both.

"Dear Dan,

I have written this letter to you, but it will be shared by others too. The reason is so that they can digest some information that they, and you, might find useful before making decisions, which could affect our family.

Roger let it be known that you don't want me to speak to you regarding the important changes to me, which impact not only myself and Annie, but everyone that I love and care about. I know that you cannot understand the truth about what I might have to say without hearing anything first-hand. Sometimes life is painful and it's not 'love it or leave it' but 'take it or leave it'. Either way, I am a part of the family that we have shared for all fifty five of my years. I am a part of your life, as well as I am a part of Mom [then deceased] and Dad's, Teresa's [also deceased], Lynn's, and Roger's. Each of you has a vested interest in keeping me rather than leaving me, aside from the fact that it would be divisive for Annie and me, as well as for others who have supported me/us.

Part of the process of discovery of 'who I am' vs. 'who I was' came by realizing that the reflection of how others perceive you molds your own perception of self. If that seems complex, think of Mom. She is someone different to each of us, and she still lives in us. Who she is, then, remains. She is the composite of how she thought of herself in addition to how she understood the way each of us thought of her, through our interactions with her.

Similarly, there is a part of you and of everyone that I care about that uniquely lives within me. By extension, I hope that you can understand why the suicide rate is so high for people like me who are trying to cope with who they are becoming, while the very people they need to help them tend to scatter.

I know that this is a lot to ask, but I would like for you to hear some history and some basic facts in order to dispel any rumors, misconceptions and the like. At least it may help you to make a more informed decision as to whether you should be one who 'scatters' or not.

First, we never intended to keep you from knowing.

Our plan in May 2009 was simple, yet terrifying, tell Adam, Abby, and Dad. Telling you and Jules [Dan's wife], Lynn and Jeff [Lynn's husband], and Roger would follow as soon as possible. We figured that once we tell anyone, that we will tell everyone...'loose lips' and all of that.

Why 'terrifying'?

Try to imagine, as we did, the sum of all histories as to how each person, who would learn the truth about me, would react. You can never know, in advance, if someone will embrace you and reassure you that they will have faith that they can come through this with you or, more commonly, if they will simply turn and walk away.

Also, once told, you can never UN-tell someone if things go badly. In addition, even after fifteen months at that time, Annie and I were not sure if our marriage could survive; no surprise, most cannot. I want to emphasize this, we didn't know week-to-week if we would survive together at this time and before.

The story will continue from where we left off (May 2009). First, you need to know how Annie and I were doing and how we got there.

It all began with a perfect storm of events some twenty months ago that was unique to me. Annie and I both remember the singularity that triggered change in my mind. The event itself is unimportant to where we are now, it is subjective, and may be impossible to understand by others except for Annie and for my therapists...

Thus began gender dysphoria (see below), a condition of the mind that requires change to the body rather than the mind to cure. My body has undergone minor, yet noticeable change, expected physical changes at my age are relatively subtle.

Second, I made no plans or carefully weighed pros and cons to decide that I should become female, or to cause the pain that Annie and I have gone through and that you and others are experiencing. I am sorry for the pain, but I did not cause it to happen on purpose. Annie has told some of you that if she thought for one second that I had done this on purpose, '... we would not be having this conversation, because [she] would not be here'.

Third, even though I am a woman, the feelings that I have for everyone are legacy, from James. I love Annie no less. In fact, she is the only person that I will ever call my life-partner and my love and respect for her has only deepened, because I know that she carries scars from the journey to hell and back, to get to where we are now.

You admire Annie, and you should. What you don't know is that, if you understood all that she has gone through in the last twenty months, you would adore her – as I do. Likewise, the feelings that I have for Abby, as her father, have not changed, nor have my feelings changed for Adam or for anyone else.

Fourth, even though my feelings for everyone remain intact for others, other's feelings for me need time and experience to evolve. Experience means active engagement, dialog, conversation, inclusion, etc.

In order for me to understand why Annie feels as though her husband has died, I only have to imagine how I would feel if she morphed into 'Bob'. I would not invite intimacy with him anymore than she wants intimacy with me. Physical intimacy is only one dimension of our relationship that has been deleted or altered, and changing even one changes all.

You cannot imagine the ride that we have both been on while I was in the long process of change and discovery (like a runaway freight train, with meds and the fundamental need to keep Annie on board for brakes), and Annie's equally distressful whiplash adaptations; both of us isolated, under prescription meds and in therapy.

Miraculously, we have survived to renew our commitments to each other; knowing that the relationship we have is not the one which we, but more importantly she, bargained for almost ten years ago. We have succeeded in finding stability. Whiplash changes have ended and we have established equilibrium with mutual expectations.

Most of you have demonstrated an outpouring of support for Annie in the family. You should also be in awe of the depth and resiliency of what we have had, in order to have what we still have (a few of you 'get it', and you have told us so). You and the rest of our family will have an easier mission than Annie, if you choose to accept it (and I/we desperately hope that you will).

For one, you won't have to keep up with a moving target. My journey of self-discovery continues now apace with everyone else (without the fuel of desperation/anxiety). Neither of us are on meds or in need of frequent therapy, although, since Christmas, we are dealing with picked scabs and new wounds. Secondly, while there are differences that you will notice, there are things about me that you can recognize. Core values are still in place...

Annie has known from the beginning, and has witnessed each and every painful change that has happened to me, and in turn, to us, in real time. This sounds like a lot, but in addition, she dealt with something every day. Rarely has there been a break for her/us...

I had spent hours planning how I could bear the pain and minimize the risk of self-surgery. I had asked Annie to help, but she wouldn't (later I learned that I could have bled to death, as it is a 'highly vascular region' (per my urologist).

I no longer knew who I was. Close your eyes sometime, and try to imagine how your own identity hinges on your gender. Now remove your gender and see if you can figure out who you are without it. Self-mutilation and suicide were a daily concern for quite a while. So were eating, sleeping and everything else. Annie has told Lynn and Roger that when she went to work in the morning, that she didn't know if she would find me alive when she returned.

What happened to me caused pain for everyone around me; for which, I will eternally apologize. But there was pain a-plenty for me too...

I have been formally diagnosed and treated by two doctors for Gender Identity Disorder (GID). By the way, I only share this very personal information in its original form as evidence to the facts. I figure that if someone is angry, it is difficult to be convincing with anything less...

Annie and I had come from a long struggle from February 2008 to a time in May 2009 before deciding that the time had finally arrived to tell family. It was never that we didn't want everyone to know, not telling family the truth is akin to telling a lie, but we weren't ready before then.

Originally, I was afraid to tell Dad; not because I didn't want him and everyone in the family to know, but because I didn't want to be responsible for telling him something that was too much for him to handle. He's already handled much more than his fair share. However, people at the pharmacy where Annie works knew, and others might begin to detect psychological and physical changes that were becoming apparent. It was time to be honest about who I am and how we were doing. We thought better to tell him in an open and respectful way, than to have him hear from someone else who might use insensitive or derisive language.

I decided to tell Adam and Abby first because they (obviously, to me) see me in the most sensitive way, and, in all things, I feel compelled to inform them of anything important in my life. Telling Dad would immediately follow, then telling the rest of the family would happen ASAP....

As I said, I told Adam over the phone. I so much wanted to tell him in person. Adam's grace and heart amazes me. Adam is also wise beyond his years. He has helped me immeasurably by confidently pointing out the hurt feelings that this creates in you and others, in a common sense framework that makes it easier for me to understand. That lets me have the patience to hope that initial reactions at least have the potential to change over time. He continues to prop me up from time to time and reassures me, even now... I wish I could put into words how much it means to me when someone demonstrates how much they care by trying to grasp – me.

What about Dad?

When Dad was told of our plans to tell the rest of the family, he rejected the idea and cited that the news would divide our family more than they were already. We complied out of respect for Dad, but unwillingly. Again, you are family and this seemed like lying to you by not telling you.

Since then, things seemed to go very well between Dad and us. We were in his company regularly and had no trouble conversing with him. In fact, to our huge surprise, he finally accepted our invitation to visit us in our home; the first time that he had done so in 9½ years and we had a nice visit when he came here.

Imagine our shock that he would set a plan in motion to keep Annie and me from family at Christmas! I never would have believed that he could want to isolate me so much that he would isolate Annie in order to do it – understandably, Annie was crushed and so was I.

The brouhaha (mom's word) had begun.

The reason 'why' had to be answered. The actions that Dad took undermined any expectation of privacy or secrecy of the information that he had wanted to keep from you and the rest of the family.

Lynn and Roger came over for a lengthy visit. I assume you have no questions as to how that went (lead balloon). Annie and I were planning to tell you AND Jules on the evening following our visit with Roger and Lynn. After leaving a message for you, Lynn and Annie were on the phone for hours and we missed our chance. By the way, we were both planning to tell you and Jules at the same time. I want Jules to know that we weren't excluding her.

I know that you don't want me to talk with you, but I haven't heard anything about how Jules feels; and I won't make any assumptions about her opinions, or whether she (understandably) doesn't want to get between you and us.

So now, you are almost up to speed with basic facts.

I understand that you may be hurt and/or angry. What I propose, is that we all bury the hatchet. We can take a deep breath, step back, and try to understand something that most of us know little about (including each other and how what we do from here can change our family going forward).

Some family members have opened their minds and their hearts, besides Annie. If you don't try to get there yourself, then (ironically) Dad will be successful in prophesying the schism in our family because of the truth of who I am. Instead, if you do try, you too may find some way to appreciate something of the person behind the curtain – the person you have yet to meet.

In the beginning of this little treatise, I said that you and the rest of our family have a vested interest in keeping me. For the same reasons, I selfishly, need to have you and them in my life. In addition, Annie and I need the support from all of you. However, I am not ashamed of who I am. I will not beg of you.

I will close now, but there is just a bit more to read...

Thank you for taking some time for me.

My legal name is: James Warren Randall.

I will understand if you need to call me James.

The name I identify with and prefer (since 3/21/08) differs.

I hope that someday you will ask me about it.

Me

PS: Others in our family have been offered a book title and review (printed for convenience) as recommended reading from my therapist for anyone learning that I am female. None of them have taken it.

Please read, "True Selves".

SLINGS AND ARROWS

Adam, Abby, and Annie were all involved in editing the letter above, which I sent to everyone in my family. I considered the name of the letter, 'Gauntlet'; a challenge to their stereotyping and prejudice. The letter inspired only one (vitriolic) response from my once supportive sister, Lynn.

'Dear James Warren Randall...' It goes on, but the use of my complete legal name to spite using my real name set the tone of her venomous letter.

Recall, that on the day before she and Roger came to confront me with Annie, she had been supportive, even recognizing that she felt some remorse and responsibility for our sister Teresa's death when she could have been supportive of her, but was not.

I wrote to my doctor,

"January 21st, 2010...

I have written about the Christmas fiasco that led to me coming out to others in my family. I sent the letter to you that I sent to my family ('Gauntlet') and my sister Lynn's response ('Dear James Warren Randall').

Since then, on Wednesday afternoon, January 13th, 2010 Lynn called Annie to speak derisively of 'James'. When I came home from work, and as I walked through the front door, Annie began questioning me as if I were a prime suspect of a violent crime. After answering her questions, I told Annie that I don't think it is fair for me to have to defend my life from the time I was in high school, which was what I had to do for her. Lynn was nine and Roger was seven at the time when I graduated, hardly a credible duo to evaluate my successful high school years!

Lynn had tried to lead Annie to believe her negativity towards me, which had only arisen for her and the rest of my family since I 'came out' to them. After I calmed her down again, Annie promised me that she would no longer serve as the conduit for their negativity but that she would continue her relationship with them, even while I had been banished from them. Annie drew up an eloquent letter explaining to my family that she would no longer betray my trust and friendship by talking about me behind my back.

Friday, January 15th, 2010 Annie accepted a meeting with my family members in Wabasha and she took with her the letter which she had written. The meeting was with Bud (my father), Roger (my younger brother), Lynn (my sister) and Jeff (Lynn's husband) at Lynn and Jeff's house. She read the letter to them aloud when she arrived there at approximately 6:00 o'clock p.m.

Her letter read,

"Lynn, Roger, Bud and all,

Last night [Wednesday] I talked to Lynn on the phone and I have come away from that conversation with a profound sense of doom. I am left today with a pain in my stomach and my heart, and I am ashamed of myself for what I have allowed to happen. I gave my word to James (she was still unable to say my name herself) that when I spoke with others, I wouldn't allow myself to be sucked in to negative feelings you may have and hurtful things you might say...I have broken that promise and I cannot EVER let that happen again. I have done much damage to the integrity of our relationship and I have no one to blame but myself. Therefore I have to set some ground rules for any further conversations.

I wish to maintain my relationship with you AND with James. I don't take your support lightly.

I feel a sense of family with all of you. There is room in my life and my heart for everyone. If you care about me as you say you do, I am asking all of you to keep me in a place that is neutral, yet close. I cannot allow myself to be put in the middle of your issues [whatever those issues may be...anger, frustration, etc.] with James. I have dealt with those very issues myself and I have worked, and continue to work, through them. If you cannot or will not talk with James directly, I can accept that, but please don't ask me to be the pipeline for your feelings and/or anything that you feel he needs to hear.

I want us to find a comfortable place where we can share time and be family...and then be able to come home with a conscience that is free from guilt and deception. I need to know that I have in no way undermined things here at home. We [James and I] are trying so hard to maintain an honest, respectful and even life here and I have caused great damage by listening to and repeating the things Lynn told me. I have hurt James and I can't be sorrier about what I did.

I don't ask you to agree with my decision to stay. I don't ask you to understand. I do ask you to respect me and know that I have worked through more issues and emotions than you will ever know. I am very aware that much has been lost, but it does not negate the fact that I care very much for/about James. I feel broken today...I will never betray James' trust in me like that again.

I want to have meaningful relationships with everyone involved...Please work with me to get to a place that is emotionally healthy and satisfying for all. I don't ever want to feel like I have to choose between any of you and James. I know there isn't room for him in your life right now, but you must understand that there is room in MY life. I can be family to everyone without hurting anyone...I want that, I need that.

There are a lot of issues that we can discuss without bringing all the negativity and all the past issues that really are not relevant to what is happening in the present. You may think they are important, but I digress to an earlier comment... you should address those things to James face-to-face, not through me. I will directly and honestly answer questions you may have, but you have to know that some things are far too personal and private, and I will tell you that those things are not open for discussion.

Annie"

The good intentions of her letter were short-lived.

The group quickly centered their discussions about 'James' at 9:30 o'clock p.m. and their scathing frenzy didn't end until 1:30 o'clock a.m. While she was away, I was afraid that the conversation could get ugly and that my family's negativity in numbers might influence Annie to (again) turn against me. I was so filled with anxiety that I left at 9:00 o'clock p.m. for a two hour drive into the country to try to take my mind off topic. When I returned home, it was still empty and I was alone.

Annie finally returned home approximately 2:30 o'clock a.m. and when I asked how her visit went, she told me that we could talk in the morning when we woke. That Saturday morning, Annie told me that my family angrily hurled (what I later had to explain to her) truths, half-truths, innuendo and lies about me and my life. My father (Bud) actually told Annie that 'she should have left me years ago'. The chasm between my family and me had widened and grown much deeper as a result.

So has the distance between Annie and I. I told her that she had broken my trust (again) by talking about me behind my back with people who hate me, as if I am an object and not a real person, and I warned her that if she did so again, that I would have to leave her. I told her that for me to preserve my own sense of dignity that I could not continue to forgive betrayal by any friend.

Next Thursday, I will be in your office at 11:00 o'clock a.m. Sometime, while I am gone, my daughter Abby will be here with Annie to talk about me (again behind my back). Abby is no longer comfortable to be in my company, just like the rest of my family.

So what about Annie and me?

The 19th was our monthly anniversary. We met on February 19th, 2000. We have always considered it more sacrosanct than even our wedding day. Next month will be our 10th wedding anniversary. When the 19th rolled around this month, I wanted (again) to show Annie that I am still in love with her, even though I cannot – she cannot accept my love, because I am a woman and she is heterosexual.

I used to send her flowers at work with a card, often. When she came home two days ago, she told me about someone from the florist shop hanging around the pharmacy where she works. He had flowers. She said that she hoped none were for her because she wouldn't know how to react if they were from me. I broke down sobbing (am now too, for remembering).

I am no less in love with her now than I have ever been. Yet she cannot accept or even appreciate my feelings for her. She has gotten over the loss of her husband. Each time she tells me, it cuts me deeply. The love I feel for her is forever, just as it was so often spoken in our first notes to each other almost ten years ago. I've been re-reading them. It cannot be redeemed or transferred or cancelled. Even if Annie cannot stay with me, I will still love her. I have so much love that cannot be seen, and certainly will never be returned or reflected. I understand why, but it doesn't lessen my anguish.

What about the threat that I would leave if our friendship is betrayed again?

It may be fulfilled, but at my greater expense, it would be more pain than I can endure... sad, pathetically sad.

I struggle.

I think that I have a big heart, but who can notice? I care about those around me, even those who wish me harm. The love that I feel for others is returned with anger and hatred... or nothing at all. I am in real pain, caused by the reflection of the pain from others that I have caused through no fault of my own... although Annie still argues that statement.

Annie is very good at empathizing with the negative feelings that others have for me. She tells them that she has been there, but has the benefit of time to overcome her negative feelings. There are things that she is not so good at though:

She is not good at explaining that I am not deserving of the negativity (such a mild word for rejection and exile by my family). When I tell her that, she angrily responds that I am responsible for telling them the news that they could not handle.

She agrees that we both decided when and to whom we should tell, and how we should tell them. She also agrees that we did so in the most compassionate way that we could. What she doesn't seem to get is, the fact that I am a woman was not a choice that I made (as my family believes) 'any more than (my) height is' (from the book, 'True Selves').

Annie has no other family. She is flattered by the outpouring of support that she has gotten while I have been simultaneously rejected by the same people. In a short selection from Lynn's written response to my 'Gauntlet' letter she wrote,

"Annie, and [sic] individual of much love understanding and integrity. She has warmed my heart to the devotion and sacrifice one person can give to another. It sickens me to see the hurt that I know she has for the loss of her husband. I will always respect her and admire her... If she needs a shoulder or a shelter for the turmoil that your alternative has created, I always am there to provide this for her. She is a part of the family and as far as I am concerned a welcome vital member. Annie is not a part of your problem, she is a victim of the fall out".

Unfortunately, I have no advocate for me. Annie telling my family members that she understands them only helps to reinforce their perceptions that they are right to interpret and to respond to the situation as they have. In other words, she gives them clear conscious to ostracize me.

I think it would have helped her to have first read, 'True Selves', but the simple fact that you and I recommend it seems to discourage people from reading it, including her. As I stated earlier, Abby will be coming to discuss me with Annie. I pointed out to Annie that, having been unsuccessful in helping my family deal positively with the situation (me), that I am concerned that she might further damage my daughter's relationship with me. I pointed out to her that, if the table was turned, that she might think twice about me discussing with her son, something that could have unintended life-long consequences for her relationship with him, especially given my unsuccessful track record for outcomes with her other family members.

Now, I have learned that my son, Adam, will be calling Annie on Saturday to discuss what details and circumstances led to my relatively nameless persona (only health professionals and my conscience affirm my name to me). God, I hope he doesn't have second thoughts about his support for me!

I feel as if I am becoming naked, stripped of everything that is important to me as a human being. I cannot even participate with discussions that will make or break bonds between my family or my children and me.

Annie finally promised to read 'True Selves' over the coming weekend, but it won't happen before Adam calls. Also, I can hope that the book will help her, but I cannot expect that what she reads will shift her thinking in any real way, or change the outcome of discussions she will have with my daughter, Abby.

Annie has never explained to the others that, as she and I had discussed, neither she nor I would have reacted in the same way to any other family member who had asked for our support, patience, understanding, and love as I had. It has been easier for her to support the status quo and be admired herself rather than to show some 'tough love' in order to support me.

Tough love?

Personally, I think that Annie should have demonstrated more support for me. She did tell them that she was once in their shoes and now no longer feels angry as often, but there was room for improvement.

First, I don't want my family to lose Annie, and I don't want Annie to lose my family; but I told Annie that if the table were turned that I would have told her family that they cannot divide us by accepting me without her. Also, I would have said that they are rejecting Annie for pain that she is suffering. I would continue that, she had the courage to tell them the truth and rather than be a 'fair weather' family, they need to 'suck up' their pain and start showing her the love and support that she needs in order to live. When that happened, we would both rejoin the family.

Now, it may be (probably is) too late. The hate-fest has burned bridges. In the unlikely event that they should ever want me back, how can I trust those who, not only turned their back on me when I needed them most and excommunicated me, but disparaged me to my partner and to my children, hurt me every way that they could, and then tried to break me apart from Annie?

I have been trying unsuccessfully to put all of their negativity towards me into a box. I feel that I can only give pain to others and that I have little, to no, value as a person. Persistent negative thoughts haunt me to where I can focus on little else...

Diminishing returns:

I am born anew into a world that I love, but made worse by my very existence.

This is unacceptable. If I had more courage, or less courage, I wouldn't be able to write...

Natalae"

Each of our histories comes with decisions that we make at critical times when we hope or even know in our hearts that they are the right choices, but all major change has unintended consequences; life is too complex and we are all too connected for there not to be. We just must do the best that we can. We each own our life and the goal that we should all aspire to, is continuous improvement, to become pleased with who we are (recall my opening quote). I was too weak to understand that at the time, or to forgive myself. I had just enough courage to struggle and too little courage to commit suicide.

On January 27th, 2010 Lynn came to our apartment while I was at work to speak with Annie. She informed Annie that Bud (my father) had cut me from his will and that her eldest of two children, Mathew doesn't want to be around me, that her other son, Eric said that he is angry with me. She also complained about the book that I recommended, 'True Selves' stating that it doesn't place any blame on the patient and that it doesn't deal with pain caused to others enough. She told Annie that Roger is so worried about Annie being in my company that he is calling Lynn every other day to see if she has heard any news.

After I came home and spoke with Annie about her visit, both Annie and I felt like we had been transported from a closet to a fishbowl.

The good news is that someone read the book that we recommended. The bad news is that she only wanted to find justification to assess blame for the pain that everyone was feeling. It did not appear that she could have appreciated the theme of the book or any helpful information.

Two days later, on January 29th, 2010 Lynn called me. I wrote about it in a letter to my doctor and to my children on January 31st, 2010.

"When I answered my cell phone and heard Lynn's voice, I went to Annie's bedroom to be with her. As I sat on her bed, Annie and I were within arm's length of each other. Lynn asked me if I had read her letter (her response to the letter I had written to everyone in the family named 'Gauntlet'). I told her that I thought her response letter was hurtful; so much so that I asked Annie read it to me rather than to read her 'venom' alone. I told her that I thought that it was arrogant of her as a nurse to question the validity of my diagnosis by two doctors.

She asked if I would go to family counseling with her. I flatly refused (No!) I explained that I have a doctor and that she (Lynn) is the one who could use counseling because she is not coping. She raised her voice to me and I hung up on her.

A few minutes passed and I called her back. I told her that the pent-up anger that I have been feeling from her and other family members caused me to be short with her and I apologized. Then I said that I deserved an apology from her and the others for how they have treated me – that had the tables been turned, I would not have abandoned her, Jeff, Roger, Dad, Dan or Jules. I was stern in my tone, but not angry. Lynn said that she was going to hang up. I said, 'goodnight'. That was that.

Later, I felt a need to keep from burning a bridge from my end, and I wrote a follow-up email to her:

"Dear Lynn,

I have some pent-up anger concerning how you and others have treated me. The things I said to you were from the heart, but I regret the tone. I want you to understand how I feel, but I don't mean to hurt you any more than you already are.

Natalae"

My sentiments fell on deaf ears. The stage was already set...

That same day on January 29th, 2009 Lynn wrote to Annie,

"... I am sorry to inform you that I have experienced difficulty in dealing with the personal issues regarding James Warren Randall's change of gender. I have read his letter and responded with a letter of my own.

Sending James a letter with my opinion was very poorly received by James. He was upset with the fact I requested to attend family counseling for the both of us to work out some of our issues. I hadn't heard from James in several weeks, so I called him tonight. The conversation went poorly, and again James refused family counseling and informed me I need counseling of my own.

I am sorry for the family fallout that I may have contributed to, but enough is enough. I am willing to go to family counseling and try to locate some middle groundwork, but I cannot do this alone.

Therefore, I wanted to let you all know that this decision may impact some of our otherwise traditional family gatherings.

I in all good consciousness cannot invite James Warren Randall to be part of the family holidays in which I host in my home. I will respect others wishes to invite him, and I will promise to be civil. I will keep my distance from him as the hurt he has contributed to be still difficult for me to deal with. I am sure it will lessen over time. I will not have the unfortunate fallout from James' and my relationship hinder in any way how I feel about those others around him. I want you to feel welcome and loved in my home.

Again, I wanted you to know I have tried, to deal with the situation in a manner which two people have to meet half way, apparently, that is unacceptable. Hope you will understand and come to know I really mean no harm.

Sincerely,

Lynnie

cc: Abby Randall, Adam Randall, [Bud] Randall, Dan Randall, Roger Randall."

On January 31st, 2009 in a letter that I named 'Sunshine' to Adam and Abby, I wrote,

"... As a result of the phone call, Lynn has again chosen to deal with me by engaging everyone but me via her letter (attached). I am not writing back to her, or to anyone else. But she has brought my children into this (very irresponsible and short-sighted), so if I don't give you the facts and my perspective, then who will act on my behalf to keep you from believing popular opinion, overwhelming consensus... propaganda that not only Lynn, but also the rest of my family would have you believe?"

I wanted to tell them that Lynn had been supportive before she and Roger came over to visit, but that would have only made matters worse. Still, I wondered how anyone could be so two-faced and hurtful to advance her own negativity at me through my own children with such a contemptuous letter.

Continuing, "About this letter: I am exhausted. I am back in counseling. I have lost weight and sleep. Annie has suffered and our relationship has never seemed in so perilous a state.

... What I hope will not result from this letter

I hope that you will understand that I do not want to be the cause of influence between family and yourselves. You can have your own healthy relationship with them. If they want to disparage my name to you, then you need to choose to listen to it. If you do, understand that I am tired of having to defend myself against slander. I feel that I deserve some measure of respect.

What I hope will result from this letter:

I hope that you will recognize that Lynn is coping poorly with the fact that I am a woman. The pain she feels, coupled with whatever pre-conceived notions of 'who I am' now, or something that James may or may not have done in the past, has resulted in her choice of words and actions that harm rather than heal her relationship with me, and with those who might still care about me.

I hope that you will be careful to remember that, there are always at least two sides to give equal consideration to, even when one side may be overly represented.

Prevailing family attitudes about your dad are not based on learning about transsexualism... The result is a short-sighted view of family interaction defined by supporters and non-supporters that is divisive and unhealthy for everyone."

I reconsidered counseling with Lynn in a session with my doctor alone or with me to bridge the divide between us, and I wrote an email to her on January 31st, 2010. She offered no response. On February 2nd, 2010 I followed with a second email,

"My doctor is anxious to meet with you. Please respond tonight with a 'yes' or 'no' so that I can let other interested parties know of your decision."

Lynn's response was a flat refusal.

I wrote to my doctor on February 4th, 2010,

"If you recall, the last letter I sent to you was with a copy of 'Sunshine' to Adam and Abby. I haven't heard back from them directly, but Adam called Annie to say that he had spoken to Abby about the contents. Annie said that they both believe that my family would not have the heart to treat me with disrespect. They simply do not believe me anymore.

My sister Lynn is working at convincing Annie that she should dissolve our marriage.

Annie is on the brink of agreeing with her...

Annie said that Lynn wants her to give you Lynn's telephone # so that you can call her, presumably to weaken the foundation of anyone supporting me (including you!).

I don't know where professional ethics come into play with family members of someone under treatment, so I want to warn you of her probable intent."

At that point, I was perhaps as alone as I could be. I thought it might be helpful for Annie and my therapist to meet alone in order for Annie to consider a different opinion from everyone else in my family. I had lost credibility to be believed by anyone.

On February 5th, 2010 Annie met with my therapist. The result did not seem productive to me. In fact, I felt betrayed by my own therapist.

On February 12th, 2010 I wrote to my therapist following that meeting that she had one-on-one with Annie,

"... Annie told me some of the highlights of her meeting with you on February 5th, 2010. For clarity, I am writing from my personal perspective so that we can discuss me together.

First, something that may have seemed trivial at the time in which it was said has become important to me – perhaps because I have been the recipient of poor reviews from all other quarters recently as well. I realize that some of what I am about to write looks defensive, and it is...but, importantly, it also seems pathetic to say. In fact, saying to others that you are not 'manipulative' or 'boorish' or... any other negative personality adjective actually implies that you are so. It has instantly become a characterization that seems to stick, even if not warranted. See if you agree.

Manipulative:

The meaning: using clever, devious ways to control or influence somebody or something

The characterization: a manipulative personality

Was I 'manipulative' by telling Annie some of the points that I wanted her to make with Abby and/or Adam?

First, I had read 'True Selves' and Annie had not. I wanted to impart some ideas from the book that seemed important for them to hear, to help them see that there are choices for each of them to consider in response to their transsexual father. While 'manipulative' may be a word that partially applies, there was nothing devious or underhanded in my intent. In fact, I made my intentions clear to Annie and to you in the letter I wrote January 21st, 2010 to you,

"Unfortunately for me, I have no advocate for me. Annie telling my family members that she understands them only helps to entrench their perceptions that they are right to interpret and to respond to the situation as they have. In other words, she gives them clear conscious to ostracize me.

I think it would have helped her to have first read 'True Selves', but the simple fact that you and I recommend it seems to discourage people from reading it. As I stated earlier, Abby will be coming to discuss me with Annie. I pointed out to Annie that, having been unsuccessful in helping my family deal positively with the situation (me), that I am concerned that she might further damage my daughter's relationship with me. I pointed out to her that, if the table was turned, that she might think twice about me discussing with her son, something that could have unintended life-long consequences for her relationship with him, especially given my unsuccessful outcomes with other family members.

Now, I have learned that my son, Adam, will be calling Annie on Saturday to discuss what details and circumstances led to my relatively nameless persona (only health professionals and my conscience affirm my name to me). God, I hope he doesn't have second thoughts about his support for me!

I feel as if I am becoming naked, stripped of everything that is important to me as a human being. I cannot even participate with discussions that will make or break bonds between my family or my children and me.

Annie promised to read, 'True Selves' over the coming weekend, but it won't happen before Adam calls. Also, I can hope that the book will help her, but I cannot expect that what she reads will shift her thinking in any real way, or change the outcome of discussions she will have with my daughter, Abby."

The importance of trying to impart new ideas on failed tactics can also be called self-serving, calculated or some other term that implies a selfish motive. However, there was no intention of doing harm. There would be greater harm in doing nothing to change tactics that yielded only negative results. What is it called when you do the same thing over and over and expect a different outcome?

I thought it prudent to consider new ideas that were given in the book that you recommended, which, presumably were helpful to others in your care. Now I find the label 'manipulative' is to generally describe my personality. Not so until this incident, when you used that word to describe me to Annie. Annie said the term applies, for the fact that I did tell her what to say to Adam and Abby. Now I carry the stigma like an incurable disease. Once you have it...

Next,

There has been so much that has happened in the last month. I would like to meet with you and Annie to get a grasp on events and impact, at least with regard to the four following topics.

(1) Lynn's response to my 'Gauntlet' letter. She challenged the legitimacy of your (and my previous doctor's) diagnosis of me. Annie came away from her meeting with you thinking that you weren't sure of my diagnosis after all, that the personality of Natalae may be hiding something of James. While I do not feel that a re-evaluation for that diagnosis is necessary, I will invite you to re-explore the diagnosis, if you feel that it would be helpful to you. I don't know how to make progress if there are questions about how we got to where we are. Doubt is contagious and I want you and Annie to be certain about me.

(2) Annie told you that, regarding my family, that I am 'paranoid' and 'fearful'. It would be useful to me to learn how a professional views the application of those terms. I would like help in understanding exactly what terms should apply. I couldn't say with certainty what would be the truth...if not those terms, then which? Aside from being labeled manipulative, the character James has been assaulted by my family to Annie. Even Abby's mother told Abby that she would like to say a few words about me to Annie. I should sell tickets! Is this systemic delusion or have I in fact become object de-ridicule?

(3) Annie mentioned my ideas of self-termination. Except for my phone conversation and email to Lynn on or about January 29th, 2010 I have had no interaction with my father or siblings, as promised in my letter, 'Gauntlet'. Still, my news had caused them pain, which in turn manifested itself in retaliation at me and my relationship with Annie. I have been left to consider the diminishing returns of my life (letter January 21st, 2010). I had hoped to be observed to be a good person, not someone who causes pain wherever she turns.

(4) Annie said that you doubt that we can salvage our relationship and remain together. A lot has happened to our relationship/partnership because of me over the past two years. Each and every thing that has happened also has had a chain reaction on other parts of our lives. It has made a highly complex cocktail of life about us... to the point of becoming dizzying.

Things began to settle substantially before Thanksgiving, but the pot began to boil at Christmas. I know the odds are small for couples/partners in our situation, but I hope that we can look logically at pros and cons of our relationship/partnership, as well as the emotional ties that we have in common. I think that we have a lot to consider before anyone should be taking bets. I would like for us to make a real effort to determine what is in our best interest before striking a match and hoping that what lies ahead won't make either or both of us regret the fire.

Any tools that you may have to help us to cope would be appreciated. Personally, I would like to say that we were successful because we tried, rather than to say that we failed because we were too lazy to try at all.

It is objective to say that there isn't all that there once was and that there is some value in what remains. We need to take careful inventory and appraisal before we can make an informed judgment about where we should go from here. I think encouragement is more important now than pessimism. Annie and I have already decided to take some small steps. If we can make use of some expert guidance and avoid outside negativity, we can chose the best way forward – for each or for both of us...

Thank you,  
Natalae"

Annie was on the verge of leaving me because there was no one... not even my therapist who would stand up for me. I felt repulsed by everyone as if I had been cursed. Could I be right to think that I am a 'good person' who cares about everyone while everyone else seemed to think I am not? I doubted myself.

And then, of all people Abby reached out to me...

Her kind words were like a hand-up. She may as well have said, 'Don't worry. I know you. You are a good person!' She imparted a sweet breath of confidence and self-respect that was stolen, or that I had simply lost and nearly forgotten. Darn tears again...'Thanks' was MUCH too small a word for me to say to her!

Abby encouraged me to let family know that I am still thinking of them. I told Abby that I needed time before I could write (and I meant it when I said it), but the thought of writing wouldn't let me have peace. I needed to get that chore off of my mind so that I could rest.

And so the following letter became my parting letter to my family,

"February 24th, 2010

Dear Bud, Dan, Jules, Roger, Lynn, and Jeff,

Well, it has been one month and twenty-two days since sending the letter to you that stated:

"If you decide that I am no longer welcome in your company, I will respect your decision. I am not ashamed of 'who I am' and I will not beg for your company. I will make no attempts beyond this letter to encourage those of you who have already decided to 'scatter' to reconsider.

I invite you to call."

You have decided. I am sure that your decision was not made lightly. Each of you was confronted with considering the Highest and Best Outcome (HBO) regarding this painful reality. I have put each of you in a place where you had the responsibility to think of your relationship with me, your collective (family) relationship with me, and the impact of your decision on myself, my relationship with Annie, Adam and Abby, as well as their relationship with each of you and with all of you. I trust that those of you who are particularly religious, no doubt contacted your clergy; those of you who mentioned your strong family values, no doubt sought counseling; and all of you have, no doubt read the book recommended in my letter (mentioned above) and added your own research in order to make an informed decision on such a delicate and important family matter.

Your conclusions are clear and unanimous. I won't say that I understand, but I know that decisions such as these could not have been made in the vacuum of information and logic. Each of your conclusions were tempered no doubt with your own personal emotions, angels and demons.

My perspective regarding how you view your decision (not that it matters); you have cut diseased flesh to preserve personal and family integrity.

Abby wrote to me yesterday that you all still care about me, per your questions to her about how I am doing.

I just wrote to tell you that I still care about all of you, too.

Natalae

PS: I was happy to hear of your award for beating cancer. Congratulations, Dad."

On February 25th, 2010 I wrote to Adam in regard to the letter which I had just sent to the family,

"The interactions and lack thereof between myself and family and have led me to an unhealthy place... I need to understand how you (especially, you) and others can see me so differently than I see myself in order to understand whether my own perspective is accurate...Do I really hurt more than I help or heal?...How can I be such a disappointment? Of course, these questions, and many others, lead to: What value am I? How can I measure myself? What fate do I deserve? Can I trust my own judgment?

All of these questions are profound (ask each one slowly and think about it for a while), but the key to answering the first questions lies in first answering the last question. I need to know that have a healthy mind. It doesn't make sense to me that I can be right and everyone else wrong (or vice-versa) about observations and conclusions regarding myself or about anything. I desperately need to know WHY there is difference.

I realize that, if I am to find peace and feel confident that I am a good person, I cannot continue to empower my siblings, their spouses and my father to help define my self-image. I need to find stasis caring about them and caring NOT what they think and/or do relating to me.

Having read the last sentence again, it makes me wonder if that is possible. The problem is hope. Hope is just there, making me think that the status quo may weaken its grip and allow positive change in the future. Hope is a given for optimistic people like me, so how can I have stasis (to care & care NOT) AND hope!?

Enough... I need to empty my head at another time. I have to be up in three hours to get ready for therapy (she would like to see me every two weeks). Before Christmas, it was 'call me in six months to see if you feel any need to see me'. I need to get better...and fast."

In fact, I was very frail, physically and emotionally; rarely sleeping through the night.

Remember, back on August 22nd, 2009 (page 17), I had written to my doctor, "I miss your company. You are still the only person who knows me, and refers to me as Natalae...and it feels so good to me just to hear my name spoken."

Nothing had changed since then, except for the fact that all of my family was now aware of me and none of them would ever address me by my name. I felt as though I had been born middle-aged Natalae into a family who thought of me as 'diseased flesh'.

On March 1st, 2009 Annie's mother passed away. Adam wrote to show support for Annie and asked me about my final letter to my family. I wrote back to him on March 5th, 2010,

"... Annie mentioned your email and support. She and I both appreciate that very much. Thank you!

Annie is doing well, concerning the loss of her mother, Audrey Balk. She is also trying to reconnect to some of her siblings. Lynn, Jeff and Bud were at the funeral and brought flowers. The service was about Audrey's advocacy for those less fortunate and discriminated against, and for her efforts at reconciliation for those differences that divide family; interesting in a cosmic way, huh?

Regarding the (parting) letter that I wrote?

Only Abby has written a (non-supportive) response, and no one has called. I am not surprised. Honestly, Adam, the more I write and speak to people about family and acceptance, the more others seem to misunderstand. Everyone (even Abby) is entitled to analyze the settled dust, over what-ever time frame and decide whether to engage in a relationship with me. Relationships ARE two-way streets and I reserve my right to also make my own decision if and when someone wishes to engage, or reengage, a relationship with me. Both parties have a role to play (by definition). For now, I have resolved to look elsewhere for acceptance and purpose while others debate and decide.

While standing at Annie's side at the conclusion of funeral services and in the company of Lynn, Bud and Jeff, Lynn invited Annie to come down soon to visit. The exclusion of me was (for lack of a better word) clumsy (I was within inches of Lynn), but it didn't even strike a nerve.

Former family may disagree, but I know that I deserve some respect. I can do better for myself, and I will. As I wrote to Abby in response to her letter on March 3rd, 2010, "We all have to move on. I'll keep the light on for those titled in my last letter, but I will move on now too..."
CHAPTER 4 – SOCIAL LIFE  
PLACE OF WORSHIP

Annie had always enjoyed the love and support of my former family but that support had grown for her as their support for me had been cut. They were her family now. I was not jealous of her, and her relationship with them was not a source of contention between us. Mostly, I took it personally- literally; that I was an abomination to them, but it was simple for both of us to accept that I would be alone while she continued to go to the family functions, celebrations, and holidays that we once went to as a couple.

I was alone and very lonely, with friends and family gone. Even my co-workers did not know 'who I am'. In order to keep medical insurance, and to be on acceptable terms with my partner, I had agreed to pretend to be the persona of my legal name 'James' at work and while with her in public. However, anyone who knew James did not know me at all. I could not participate in social gatherings or lunch outings there or after work. I went for walks alone during breaks and used the excuse that I do not smoke (most there did). In fact, I enjoyed walking, but more importantly it served as a way to avoid social contact as 'James'... the lie.

I felt trapped at home with nowhere to go unless I went alone, or as the lie (James), while out with Annie.

I decided that I needed to make an attempt at some social outlet, so I tried going to church, for a while. My son, Adam was sometimes being supportive of me but was also ardently supportive of my former family. Before his support of me evaporated, I trusted my personal feelings in a letter to Adam on March 28th, 2010,

"... I have been struggling to gain confidence in order to join a local community (Unitarian Universalist) church. I have been practicing (trying to muster courage) for three weeks to go there and I am still not ready. Next Sunday is Easter and I am not sure if it would be appropriate for a newbie (visitor) to show up on a holiday when I am not familiar with the 'family' traditions...I realize how ridiculous that sounds as I write it (what I lack in self-confidence, I make up for with insecurity).

Annie will be at your aunt's house [Lynn's] for Easter. Aside from my therapist, you, and Annie, I will finally be known by others for 'who I am', rather than 'who I was'. It will be a monumental achievement for me to simply feel some connective tissue between others and myself in a social environment – like yours, and like family- where love and caring can flourish.

I do have some fear of presenting myself to a community that may include some who knew me from work or elsewhere as 'James'. The good news is that this church "...saw the need to become more inclusive towards bisexual, gay, lesbian and transgender people. It consists of a series of workshops developed by the Unitarian Universalist Association (UUA). The goal of the workshops is to reduce prejudice by increasing understanding and acceptance among people of different sexual orientation and sexual identity."

On April 1st, 2010 I wrote to UU Church,

"Dear Pastoral Care/Membership Coordinator,

I have read about your Church and I think my values would be welcome at UU. I am both anxious and (more than) a bit nervous to meet the family that I may wish to become a part of someday...

I would like you to know that I feel the need to find a family to belong to... something bigger than just myself, and something to be proud of.

I would like to join-in and make a memory of Easter with you, but I feel that the proper time for meeting with you, and others there, would not be during the Easter celebration... I just would rather not be taking attention away from some who would otherwise be immersed in your traditions..."

I doubt that I could overstate just how excited I was to get this return email,

"... I really hope you come THIS Sunday and not wait for the 11th for two reasons. First, I will not be at church on the 11th and I really want to meet you, and second... Please come this Sunday... I will keep my eyes open for you. If I don't find you, please ask someone to point me out and come introduce yourself. I hope to see you Sunday."

How long had it been since someone welcomed me, Natalae, to be in their company? I thought about it... no one ever had. The only people who knew me either tolerated me or they shunned me. I was still emotionally recovering and I had to push myself to find the courage, but I felt as though I could find my own new family if I just tried and soon fear was replaced with eager anticipation.

I was so proud of myself for finally making it to church on April 4th, 2010 that when I got home I wrote this note to myself,

"FIRST TIME IN ATTENDANCE WITH NEW FAMILY AT FIRST UNITARIAN UNIVERSALIST CHURCH

I arrived for Easter Service at 9:00 o'clock a.m. and left at 10:35 o'clock a.m. It was a fabulous day; I didn't even need to wear a coat...

Meanwhile, Annie was enjoying her family in Wabasha at Lynn and Jeff's house..."

I met some wonderful people at church, and I enjoyed interacting with them. It was the first time that I was able to do so with anyone, aside from Annie and medical professionals.

On April 6th, 2010 I was exuberant as I wrote to Sarah at the church,

"Dear Sarah,

Thank you for helping me to feel so comfortable at First UU. Reverend Dr. Carol met me twice, the first time was just before she began her service. She couldn't have known how poignant her program was for me; the idea of the time of Easter/Passover and spring, embracing change, new beginnings, and new life... how wonderful to hear her words...

Sarah, you have been wonderful to me. I will always remember your encouragement and your warmth. It is no surprise to me how you earned your position at UU! I hope that I can return the favor someday.

Sincerely,  
Natalae

PS: I promised to give you my telephone #: []

Also, you wondered about my age. I will be 56-years-old in May, but don't tell! If you put your ear a little closer, I have a secret to confess: I wear a wig. I used to color my hair and ruined it when I tried to lighten the ends! I cut it short and had it professionally colored to look natural, so that when it grows, I won't have to color it ever again (... unless of course, I decide too!). I have to let it grow more before I will leave my crutch. I suppose that is why you thought I appeared a bit younger than I actually am."

I am sharing that letter here because it made me feel so uncomfortable to read it again. I cried while re-reading it to remember how fragile and insecure I had become. At the time however, I thought that I was on the mend and doing just fine.

The following week, April 11th, 2010 I wrote about the Sunday sermon that morning,

"Reverend Dr. Carol stated that she taught professional ethics within the church as a part of the Women and Children's conference committee and originated the Safety Standards for UU.

I met Patty, she is in charge of safety. She said that the church will be conducting background checks on volunteer positions and there needs to be a consent form as well... "

This sermon about ethics raised serious questions in my very insecure mind. I decided to write to the minister,

"April 12th, 2010

Reverend Dr. Carol,

... You may recall an email I sent to Sarah last week that I copied to you. In it, I stated, '(you) couldn't have known how poignant her program was for me...' This week, you managed to hit home equally well. As you have asked us to do, I pondered my own personal ethics that guide my daily life... which brings me to the reason for my letter.

I have a personal ethical dilemma for which I seek your counsel.

I was born a transsexual (gender dysphoria caused by the incompatibility of a feminine mind hosted by a male body). I have transitioned to become a healthy woman. The long journey from there to here has resulted in much pain, especially due to the loss of most of my family. In fact, only my partner, Annie and my son, Adam remain close (although he lives in Denver). My father, all living siblings and their spouses and even my daughter will not speak to me, or see me again. That is the principal reason that I sought to find a community whose values I can identify with, and one which would return love and respect, and embrace me as one of its own.

I hoped that by presenting myself honestly, that I could fit into a new family... your family.

You may know from your own experience that people generally have strong negative feelings about people who are transitioning or who have transitioned. My family's reaction to me is unfortunately more typical than not for someone in my circumstance. In fact, the group, to which I belong, is likely the most discriminated group in our country. While one can argue that it is not someone's place to ask questions of other's sexual orientation or other questions that might generally seem too personal, I can see where the history of me can be learned by others, and I know that this knowledge may hurt people, as it did my family.

First, I saw Gary and Ronice at your service today. I had known them more than twenty years ago. At that time, they knew me by my legal name; James W. Randall. My children attended the Montessori School at Assisi Heights when they were active there. I also knew them at UU for a time. I don't think that they had recognized me, but if either or both had, I would have no control over how the news of my history would be either guarded or broadcast to others.

Second, should I become a member of your family and volunteer for services, someone would determine the facts of my history during a background check.

At once, it may seem obvious that I could save a lot of trouble if I would just stand up and proclaim to everyone the person that I once was, and who I have become... but (aside from the fact that I do not wish to publicly proclaim anything, especially something so personal!) it gets more complicated. I mentioned earlier that I am still 'married'. My wife has become my 'partner'. I am as much in love with her as ever, however she now appreciates the honesty, loyalty and friendship in our relationship, where there once was more. Ours is a relationship with conditions:

(1) I cannot 'come out' at work.

(2) I cannot legally change my name, (although I AM Natalae), and

(3) I may only present myself in public as Natalae when not in Annie's company, (even though I present as Natalae all the while at home with her).

I have received such a wonderful outreach from you, and especially Sarah, but also Phyllis, Marge, Barb, Harriet and Jean. I don't know if you can imagine what it was like for me to be so warmly welcomed after recently being emotionally devastated by my family...

I am scheduled to be in attendance at the 'Pathway to Membership' 9:00 o'clock a.m. April 17th. I wonder if you would please help me. Part of my personal ethics is to avoid causing pain to others whenever possible. I also would like to participate in life and not have to curl up in a corner somewhere in order to make sure that I don't hurt anyone simply because I am me.

Realizing that I run the risk of hurting someone, or everyone, in your family who befriends me, if they should hear the same news that caused the reaction of my family; I will understand if you decide that there is no solution at hand that will keep your family safe from the pain that could be caused by learning about my history, and opt not to invite me back.

I know that I have a very good heart; the fact that Annie remains with me should be a testament to that. I wish that was all that matters, but I know that it is not. I never want to hurt anyone, but I do.

Sincerely,  
Natalae"

It turned out that the email was not received by her until April 27th, 2010; so I chose to cancel the proposed 'Pathway to Membership' meeting. Rev. Dr. Carol proposed a sit-down meeting on May 6th, 2010 which I accepted.

Rev. Dr. Carol had read my letter and she listened intently as I spoke of my concern, that I seem to spread pain while I am trying only to live and to be a positive force within my environment. I watched as she grew uncomfortable and her gracious demeanor changed. She coldly acknowledged that there is an LGBT (Lesbian, Gay, Bi-Sexual, and Transgendered) group that meets once or twice each month on Thursdays (which I already knew from the church website).

I was hoping for reassurance, but that hope was dashed as I watched her warm smile run from her face, and in its place was the look of deep concern and personal uneasiness. I felt abandoned, but understood that I was seen as a plague... again, and I would never return to the church in order to keep her family safe from me.

At least I had finally felt warmly accepted and relieved from loneliness... for a little while.

I exchanged some emails apologizing to Sarah for not coming to church anymore. I didn't tell her the truth, that her minister convinced me that I was a risk to the stability of their community because I had the potential to hurt people unintentionally.

I felt that I could never find a place to be with friends unless that place was away from others who might feel uncomfortable around me. I was made to feel that I belonged in the margins of society because of 'what' I am, regardless of 'who' I am.

I had desperately hoped that they were wrong, but perhaps my family was right; they could leave me to whither, and that is what I would do. I could survive with food and water, but I would forever be confined within the prison walls of our apartment. The punishment for escaping would be to involuntarily inflict pain on others, or to invite the pain that some would choose to inflict on me, just for their mistaken impression that I was less valuable or less than equal to them.

It was May 7th, 2010 when I wrote back to Adam after he wondered aloud on the telephone why he hadn't seen pictures of Natalae. I told him that it was because he hadn't asked. After I emailed some to him, he wrote back to compliment me on how I looked and he also indicated that it is 'tricky' for him to think of me as the woman Natalae, and still think of me as his dad. I wrote the following note back,

"Adam,

I sure can understand that you feel the way that you do. It may be difficult to think of me as your dad, but the fact is, the feelings that I have as your father have not changed. I love you as I have since the day you were born (and even before). The same situation is true for Annie and for everyone. Annie cannot feel about me as she had, but understands that my heart is the same and that my feelings for her are indelible too. I am really not so complicated. Unfortunately, I just make the world for those around me a bit more complex to understand.

However you feel about me, just remember that I will always love you as I have always loved you, as only your father can. So when you see me in person, you can see me as Natalae, if you like. When you close your eyes and see me as your father, your mind's eye is equally truthful.

Love,

Dad"

Later that month, he sent me a birthday card addressed to 'Natalae Randall'. I was elated and told him so.

Adam was still rather a fence sitter, and no one wholly approved or accepted me. Still, a modicum of acceptance by him was what I needed to ease me from my loss of finding a family in the social setting of a church.

I think that it was impossible at the time, for Annie to grasp how much it affected me and what it meant for me to be shunned by my family while they embraced her. She was happy to be in their company while away from me, and away from my depression and confusion. While at first, when she witnessed how accepting Adam and Abby and Bud were, she wondered if they could possibly understand how difficult all of this had been for her, now she was being praised by them as I was shunned. It was too difficult for her to feel compassion for me while she embraced their adulation and took her place outside of my closet.

For example, my daughter, Abby, told Annie that she was planning to marry her boyfriend, Tim, and that she would rather I not attend. She had also met with Annie at a restaurant for Annie's birthday in April, in order to avoid being in my company as well, at our home. Annie had no difficulty in accommodating her; but she could not grasp how deeply hurt I was by Abby, or how it felt for me to see how Annie could be compassionate to Abby but not for how Abby was making me feel. I felt alone in our relationship without Annie to defend 'us', but there was nothing constructive that I could do or say to Annie that wouldn't be tantamount to asking her to choose between my former family and me, so I stayed silent... however I got the messages from her and they hurt me deeply.

The last communications that I had with Abby centered on the letter below, which I sent to her called, 'Tough'. It was my attempt to fight for her love, something I would lose unless someone stood up for me, and there was no one besides me who could do that for, or with me.

"June 6th, 2010

So Abby, which advise is sager in any given situation that would be applicable for either?

(1) Treat each and every person with the love, dignity and respect that you would wish for if you found yourself in the same circumstances, or,

(2) Be yourself.

While you ponder that question, I need to explain why I haven't called you as I promised in my last email to you (May 25th, 2010).

There are several things that have been said and done, and things that remain unsaid between us that make me... uncomfortable. I know that you think our relationship is strained by how I make you feel around me. We all have our perceptions that we believe are based in truth. This letter is about my perceptions and how I also feel strained about us.

Remember this PS. I wrote to you in an email February 23rd, 2010?

"PS. You know I think of you often, and I know that you struggle with how you feel about me (it tears me apart). I just want to share something that I wrote about you last November:

"No father anywhere, has ever loved his 'forever little girl' more than I love Abby. She is the lump in my throat and my ever-ready tear; when I think of how she has impacted and enriched my life – just by being her".

Some things change. Some things are forever.

The context of what I had written was part of a lengthy letter born of more pain than you could have known at the time. In order to protect the innocent, I won't answer if you ask what had prompted me to write this:

"... This is complicated. How can I love someone so much, as I love my daughter, and know that she thinks of me as a joke? That kind of relationship, anywhere, is unhealthy and destructive. My self-worth reduces to zero by praising the person whose eyes see me as she does. Yet she is my daughter. It is impossible to feel indifferent or to un-love her. I will always love my daughter. No father anywhere, has ever loved his 'forever little girl' more than I love Abby. She is the lump in my throat and my ever-ready tear; when I think of how she has impacted and enriched my life – just by being her.

So how (do I / don't I) react to how she now feels about me? I don't know. Will I greet her with a hug? I don't think so. She isn't interested in who or what her father has become. She just wants something that is impossible to have, her father in the shape and persona as James.

Restated, she does not and will not have time for me... or for the interminable love that I feel for her. The living memory of her father has been contaminated by the joke that I have become to her, and she cannot feel love from a joke. No one can.

For her to feel like she does, she must have felt ripping in the fabric of her heart as she learned how cruel fate had been to her dad; and in turn, to her (not unlike Annie). He had changed into... something unrecognizable... ugly, embarrassing, and unwanted.

...So, the fabric of my heart also tears, as I watch 'my little girl' and others reclaim the love or respect that they once had for me, while mine continues, painfully."

Most recently, you wrote:

"I was also feeling an incredible amount of guilt that I had hurt your feelings as well – and maybe I have, by staying away and stuff. I want you to know, though, that it has nothing to do with how I feel about you – I could never love you any less, dad; it's how I sometimes feel around you."

Your words made me think about what I had written earlier:

"The living memory of her father has been contaminated by the joke that I have become to her, and she cannot feel love from a joke. No one can."

For the same reasons that Annie can no longer feel the same about me, I wonder if the truth is that you cannot either. Please understand that this has kept me awake at night for over a week now and it hurts me so deeply to say this, but I have to wonder for several reasons:

I know that you have avoided coming here when you knew that I would be here (remember meeting with Annie?). Try to imagine how it would feel for you if I avoided you under similar circumstances and you found out. How would you feel? Guess how I feel.

You know that those who have known me as part of a family no longer do so. You are an adult. You must have seen what a toll it took on me while you watched the people I needed the most for support shun me instead. Imagine how much it would hurt you, if under similar circumstances, I watched the people who you loved as family reject you and then chose to follow their lead and do the same. How would you feel? Guess how I feel.

I wonder if you think that you are just one more person added to some 'do not approve' column and I wouldn't notice. Well, I once told Annie that as hurt as I was to be ousted from family, that if I had to choose to lose Bud, Dan, Jules, Lynn, Jeff, Roger and all of my nieces/nephews, or to lose my daughter, that my daughter would still be with me. Maybe you know how important you would be to me; to be counted among my remaining family (Annie and Adam (maybe Jeremy)). Like other former family, you either cannot make the effort to know who I am, you will not make the effort to know who I am, or both.

You are convinced that I decided to do something to become something new. Else, how could you have written the following to me? :

"...It is one thing to tell your family that you have been struggling with stress and that you have been going through identity changes, or something of the sort.

It is a whole other thing entirely to divulge all of that; and then, soon after, insist they identify/address you as Natalae, this new persona,...which you have created...and manifested...basically overnight.

? ? ? ?

I don't know that I could ever perceive you as a woman, and I will never address you as such."?

Surely you were not expecting everyone to embrace this change.

This is why I find it difficult to support your cause, with all the pain involved."

Trust me, Abby, if it were possible for you to think yourself in a situation similar to mine, I would have become as familiar with what was happening to you as I could. I would learn first-hand from all the material that is available, that it was not your fault and I would reassure you that I would be there for you. I would demonstrate my love and support for 'your cause' because I would know that 'your cause' is equal to "who you are".

Further, I would know better than to say things that were not true to you (I certainly did not create and manifest anything overnight, nor did I decide to become a full time actress (please do yourself a favor and read before you leap to conclusions) nor did I make demands. It has been quite a while, so you may struggle to remember a letter called "Gauntlet". In it, I signed, "My legal name is: James Warren Randall. I will understand if you need to call me James. The name I identify with and prefer (since March 21st, 2008) differs. I hope that someday you will ask me about it..."

I've had to wonder why you seem to have so little interest to learn, and why you seem to favor opinions that divide rather than unite. Unlike the uptight short-sighted narrow-minded hypocrites who might reach the same conclusion by default, I figure that your desire to understand is commensurate with the value that you place on our relationship (it would be for me). I can understand why you might think there is little value in hanging on to your dad, when you have so many people to call family, including someone else [Abby's step-father] who also likely thinks of you as his daughter.

I know that you have said that I would be a "problem" for you if you should ever get married. Did you think it might hurt me to know? What are you thinking? Well, I won't be a problem... I promise. I care too much about you. Even if you asked me to attend now, do you think I could? I don't. Don't ask.

I also thought about why you mentioned 'guilt': "I was also feeling an incredible amount of guilt that I had hurt your feelings as well-- and maybe I have, by staying away and stuff. "

I certainly don't feel guilty for becoming 'who I am' (although I do take personal responsibility for pain to others). 'Who I am', is (again, read... please). On the other hand, I can understand why you feel guilty. I wonder how you can sleep.

Aside from the shortcomings that were disappointing (I am being kind) up to here, I also know that you have attempted to alienate others from me, to convince them that they would be better off without me. Try to imagine how it would feel for you if I went behind your back to sabotage your relationships... and you found out. How would you feel? Guess how I feel. I don't think you are even close. If you could get close to imagining that, you could not have done such a thing. That is the worst thing that anyone has ever done to me in my lifetime. I want you to know that I know.

I haven't called you because I have been caught between my love for you, and my need to respect myself enough not to pretend to be someone who I am not, in order to accommodate you. I am not your fool. I know that this hurts me to say much more so than it hurts you to hear, I no longer feel about you the same way that I have since you were born because of how you have treated me.

Where (and if) we can go anywhere from here is entirely up to you. I would not try to revive any other relationship if what you have done to me was done by anyone but you or Adam. If you ever choose to know me, I will not pretend to be someone I no longer am. I am a woman and I am your dad. It is a challenge, something intrepid people rise to, and fearful people cower to.

So Abby, which advise is sager in any given situation that would be applicable for either?

1. Treat each and every person with the love, dignity and respect that you would wish for if you found yourself in the same circumstances, or,

2. Be yourself.

This is my toughest love,

Dad"

To her response, I wrote on June 14th, 2010,

"Dear Abby,

Thank you for writing. It was a year ago last month already, when I first told you. I think of how many times, how many opportunities there have been over that period for us to get to know each other – to 'adjust'. I understand that each of us has various capacity and/or desire to accept or adjust. Honestly, I am tired of hearing phrases like "...wrapping my head around it" when "it" is 'who I am'. Just relax and take a break from your "struggle".

I spoke to Adam tonight on the telephone. He told me that it was wrong of me to feel that I bring pain to others by simply being. I was elated to hear him say so, and felt liberated for a moment.

I love you too, Abby. I always will."

That was my toughest love. I needed to have a backbone and to stand up for myself. I have to admit, I was not as strong as I seemed in the tone of my letter to her. I knew that I was as frail as tissue, but I was losing the war at having any family, and I would lose Abby if I said nothing and only continued to patiently wait, and to hope that she would see me as a person rather than an obscenity.

My last communication with her was on July 8th, 2010. My daughter was gone. I could not choose to act as her fool, as the person she wanted me to be, but that I am not. Abby, my daughter; she turned away from me with the support of others from my former family. I had lost my baby girl... That would be her toughest... but it was not love. Love was gone.

The new family paradigm was not easy for Annie to adjust to either. On July 30th, 2010 I wrote,

"Annie was invited to my father's 84th surprise birthday party. When asked, she told my brother, Roger, that she would come. I was not welcome to attend (of course). Later, Annie told me that she was so stressed about going there without me, that she would rather drive 230 miles to see her son, Jeremy, instead. That way, she could avoid the situation altogether. She called Jeremy to hear his thoughts, and Jeremy offered, instead to meet her here and to go to my father's birthday with her."

I thought of suicide... often. I knew how prevalent suicide is for people in similar circumstances and I was moribund, but I made an effort to find reason to survive... every day. On August 6th, 2010 I had written this little affirmation on my father's birthday,

"I am living in a time that is not for me. I am happy to live in the shadows. I am happy to just be alive."

Even as I wrote those words, they seemed hollow and I knew that I would have to fill them in, but words were all that I had some days, and they helped me to believe I could find happiness in all circumstances... and that I could overcome the persistent temptations to end my suffering.

FINDING AN ON-LINE SOCIAL NETWORK (SN)

Months had gone by and lingering hopes that I was simply living in a temporary nightmare had died. I accepted my lonely place outside of the boundaries my former family and of society. I would live and die, nameless and faceless, except for Annie. But even she refused me the dignity of addressing me by my name. I remember the phrase from a television ad many years ago, "A mind is a terrible thing to waste". So is a good heart and I knew that I had one. I thought, 'There must be a way to share it in this life!'

I remained in a committed relationship, but we were roommates with separate beds and baths. I had Annie's company and some support, but I would never feel anyone's arms around me again, and neither would Annie. I had actually gotten used to sleeping alone, but what I really missed was the cuddling, snuggling, and pillow talk... also the exchange of back rubs and of course, more.

Two things, more than any others, helped me from my despair. First, when I thought that I would be a forgotten soul and my life meaningless, I considered suicide. I have been through other painful episodes in my life, and this wasn't the first time that the thought of suicide had crossed my mind, but it was the first time that I analyzed the thought. For now, I will spare you the arguments, but I came to the conclusion that suicide is illogical. From that vantage, it became relatively easy for me to find joy in the simplest of things which I had taken for granted, or to find a greater joy in the things which I had always appreciated before.

The second thing that helped me from despair was no less effective than the first, finding a safe community of souls from all walks of life who could help, or would just be there to share their life with me.

I had first thought about making a Facebook entry under my real (not yet legal) name, Natalae, to open communication lines to others. However, there was the matter of personal information that was required, which would be associated with my IP address. Someone or some group might be able to locate me. I had never feared people before, but I had become acutely aware that there must be many who believe that this world isn't big enough to include the 'likes' of me.

Out of frustration, I typed into my browser, something like, 'How can I have a relationship with others, without others knowing who I am?' That is how I discovered an anonymous presence (safe) on-line social network (SN) on August 13th, 2010. It would become the medium through which I would find love, support, friends, open hearts and minds, and all within a safe and secure environment (or so I had hoped); real people's souls to interact with right from my own home.

Soon, aside from my partner, the only friends that I had or thought that I would ever have, were those featureless souls that I connected to only through written language. While that may sound trifle or unfulfilling, it was a quantum leap beyond the loneliness which I felt before meeting others on-line.

On August 18th, 2010 I responded to one of my new-found friends who seemed to think I was brave to take what seemed to me my first baby step in a newly defined world,

"All of us have our obstacles in life to overcome, don't we? Don't you think that it seems we cannot exist without a struggle of some sort? Unfortunately, it also seems to me that we cannot avoid making waves that hurt others even when our intention is to help or to care for others...or just quietly and peacefully coexist.

I am not as brave as you think I am. It is difficult for me to share words with people when their level of acceptance or of disapproval cannot be discerned in advance. I held my breath and became a member here in order to find some measure of communication with others. I am glad that you wrote back. I breathe a little easier now. Still, I have become a bit fearful of meeting people, even like this, on a purely intellectual level. It is a shame, how most of us can make some of us feel about being a part of all of us."

ANNIE AND ME

Annie and I had been married for more than ten years. She respected me and she loved me, but she was not 'in-love' with me. She loved me as much as any heterosexual woman could love any other woman – as a friend. Our relationship was symbiotic, for most practical reasons and we both knew that we could depend on each other in any crisis. We both trusted each other to be honest at all times. We pooled our resources and lived comfortably, but not extravagantly. Most of all, we both thought the other to be a wonderful person, and we enjoyed each other's company. We each had our own bedroom and bath areas, separated by a common living space that made our physical life together work. Finally, Annie would also feel some needed personal space while I occupied some of my spare time interacting with people on-line through SN.

On August 21st, 2010 I wrote the following about Annie to a friend,

"Consider my partner. She is my soul mate. How lucky can one be? I admire her as well as love her. Everyone who meets her is enriched by her. Even my family and children who have ousted me from their intolerant ranks consider her a pillar in their community.

I will always love her, but she is no longer in love with me. She fell in love with a man who didn't know at the time that she was female. Try to imagine her pain. It has abated only slightly over the years. No surprise, she is not, and never will be, a lesbian. To her, I have become a roommate, and one that she hadn't even chosen. She used to be so happy and so in love... we both were. We did everything together.

I have hurt her by being the woman I am, and I cannot count how many times I have told her that I am sorry to have hurt her, but that does nothing to ease her pain, or mine for hurting her. She wouldn't be with me at all but for the fact that I didn't choose to change into a woman. She connects the dots retrospectively and knows why I needed to bring my body into conformity with my mind.

What remains then for us is something much different and much less than what we had, but we agree that we are better together than apart. She has had the only love of her life and he is gone. She cannot love another having already had an incomparable love. I love her, although she cannot love me in return and so I suffer too".

I was grateful to Annie, and I would share how I felt about her to everyone I met.

I was also beginning to forgive my own role in the events which had led to my present circumstances. I offered this friendly advice upon reflection of my own experiences on that same day August 21st, 2010.

"For anyone considering that they may have been born transsexual, find out what gender dysphoria is, meet with a qualified medical professional, examine potential outcomes with friends and family, and try to feel confident about your plans before you implement them.

I couldn't live with gender dysphoria. I needed to change my body, and I am happy to honestly present myself as a woman. However the cost in overcoming it is not just measured in dollars. Some would view my life as but a shadow of what it once was. My partner has struggled and continues to struggle with me to keep our redefined relationship intact, and I am very lonely and with the loss of almost all friends and family, very alone.

What I do have is something that I never had before, a feeling as if my soul is closer to sea-level. I am at peace with myself. I am not happy often, but I can find happiness in just being alive. After all, I am no longer living my life in the shadow of the character who others only thought that I was."

SN brought nearly instant gratification. I met some of the most wonderful people that I had ever known – people, who would soon become my friends. I had finally found the best that I could ever hope for, the 'Holy Grail' for socializing... or so I thought. I had safety but with the ability to share my life with others, at least to some degree.

One huge and unexpected benefit was how much it helped me to help others. Things that others said had caused me to reflect back on myself, and helped me to remember things from a new perspective, which then helped me to understand myself better. Consider this very personal reflection through my more recent perspective, which I also wrote on August 21st, 2010.

"I read a story from a new-found friend about dating and it spurred some memories of my own.

When I was eighteen, I had already been dating a high school classmate for several months when her older brother was planning a party at their home. Their parents would be away. She was quite pretty and I was sure that I was in love with her.

At some point during the party, she took my hand and led me up the stairs to her bedroom and shut the door behind her. I thought she just wanted to have a little quiet time to talk. Instead, she decided that it was time to take our relationship to a new level. After a while, we lay together on her bed. While she was inviting... well, I just couldn't make love with her.

I thought it important to be a virgin when I married someday, and I felt horribly awkward. The awkward feeling was so powerful that I don't remember anything after that moment, what I had said to her or what I might have thought about the moment as I drove home will forever remain a mystery.

A week or so later, my best friend confessed to me that he had 'been' with her and he was haunted by his betrayal of me. I have always respected his honesty, and thought the betrayal belonged to my girlfriend, even though my lack of response to her was clearly a factor. On reflection, I didn't want to lose her, but I knew that I wasn't ready for her either.

The next 'incident' was a year later. I had met a new friend in college one week before we discovered that his sister and my brother were planning to be married in a few months. We were both astonished by how unlikely it was that we met and become friends under the circumstances.

As our friendship grew stronger, I got to know and became close to his sister's friend, Penny who was to become the maid of honor at the wedding. My older brother had subsequently chosen me to be his 'best man'.

Penny was one of the most beautiful people that I have ever met and her beauty radiated from the center of her being. She had a warm smile and presence, was very bright, and had a rich and charming personality to boot. I think everyone who has ever met her must have been charmed by her.

We met around March and dated for a year or so. That following summer, as we were driving back from visiting my grandmother, Penny suggested that we go camping together. I wasn't quite sure if I should believe my ears. I felt that she was thinking only of camping and talking, but then again, I wasn't so sure. I wondered about her expectations; and looking back, I know that I should have asked her, but I did not.

I thought that all of my male friends seemed quite immature with their overly enthusiastic expectations of what was sure to happen when I told them of our plans. I never had sexual expectations with Penny. I thought our relationship was comfortable as it was and that Penny must have felt the same way.

The time had arrived and we set up a small tent at a lonesome public park in the wooded hills alongside of the Mississippi River. We enjoyed each other's company for hours by a cozy fire then turned in when it was very late. We took our clothes off in the dim campfire light inside the tent. We talked for a while longer and then (not before) I became nervous that something might happen. I cared about her deeply and we loved to be together. I was about to sleep with her, and our bodies were almost touching, but the same awkward feelings that I spoke of earlier kept me from acting on my physical impulses. We slept together, but in separate sleeping bags, even though she thought we could fit together in just one. She never asked why I could not respond to her and I felt too embarrassed to bring it up myself.

Months later, I went to Penny's apartment to see her. Her roommates were leaving as I arrived and they smiled at me as they said their farewell.

I was a fussy eater and Penny had taken the time to prepare something special for me for dinner. I was very touched by her attention to my needs and her creativity to please me. We cleaned up the dinner dishes together and then went into the living room.

There, she flirted with me on her couch and then she took me to her bedroom. We lay there for some time, mostly kissing and it became clear to me that she thought the time was right to deepen our relationship. It wasn't that I couldn't...my body was healthy and aroused, but I just couldn't.

I broke up with her soon after. I felt embarrassed that I could not be the person that she seemed to need. I could not understand what was wrong myself, so how could I explain to Penny what was wrong? Of course, she thought something was wrong with her and nothing I could say at that time would convince her otherwise.

I loved her and I feel horrible whenever I recall this story, because I hurt her so deeply. She loved me and wrote a long poem to me in the weeks following our breakup, asking me to mend her heart. I will always wish that I could have been right for her.

I scold myself for not putting aside my plans to finish college and to marry her for the short time that she had left. We both knew that her future was limited by her disease, yet she seemed so vibrant and full of life that it was difficult to conceive that she was at risk. She died from Lupus about a year after we broke up and immediately after she graduated as a nurse. I can always recall where I was and the pall that came over me... and the loss that I felt for myself and for the world when I heard the sad news of her lonely passing. She was alone with bags packed for her first vacation following her graduation.

I hope that she understands now what neither of us did at the time; that I am Natalae and that I have always been Natalae. I also hope that she understands that there are few people whom I have held such high regard and loved so deeply. Perhaps she smiles at me, as does my mother and my sister. I dearly hope so.

What I discovered from these experiences and many other circumstances, was that the awkwardness, confusion, and later, dysphoria was an incompatibility issue: My male-socialized female mind was hosted by a male body. I lament that I found out so late in life; not just for my sake, but for all of the pain that I have caused to others who were unable to adapt to who I am and to those who have adapted, but at enormous cost to themselves."

On August 22nd, 2010 I wrote to someone else who was born 'girl-in-a-boy' and married, to offer my own observations to her circumstances,

"... It is refreshing to know that someone else can appreciate that life can be more a bowl of compromise than a 'box of chocolates'. The sweet thing about compromise is that it takes empathy and compassion from both parties to make it to equilibrium. The expression of both qualities is good for the soul, wouldn't you agree?

That is not to say that equilibrium will always be acceptable. I would say that my partner and I have reached equilibrium which has led to a delicate relationship; one where the 'ups' and 'downs' are no longer as frequent or amplitude so high, but where sustenance is derived partly by her connection to my (former) family and by her appreciation of the honesty between us. For me, it has been a long and agonizing struggle to become comfortable with myself without going so fast as to lose my partner.

It is impossible for me to say how much I love her and appreciate that she remains when nearly everyone else that I love has turned their back on me. My constant challenge is to find ways to enrich her life and to make fond memories for the two of us. It sounds to me that our partners and we share common experiences. I have a great deal of respect for your wife and for my partner for their tolerance for each of us. We are lucky to have them in our corners. Most of us cannot see that we are all the same and some people paint targets on the backs of those others who are perceived as different from themselves. You and I wear big targets on our backs and we live in a world that is hostile and dangerous to us.

One more word; I hope that your estimation about keeping your family intact is accurate. I have read elsewhere where others were readily accepted by their family and friends. In the beginning, my son told me that he thought of me as 'brave' and my daughter said that she was glad that I told her because I just hadn't seemed comfortable in my own skin for years. My father also was reassuring to my partner and myself when I came out to him. People seem to deal with the news of change in us similarly to the ways one deals with a death and they go through a 'grieving' process. The process may be equally long and there is certainly no guarantee of outcome. I had always felt loved and respected by everyone in my family.

However, since they have learned about 'what' I am (they will never know 'who' I am); they have completely changed how they feel about me and they have tried to pry my partner from me and have successfully encouraged my children to abandon me. Now, I fear them."

On that same day, I knew that I would never, could never celebrate another of my daughter's birthdays with her. I felt hurt on her birthday on August 22nd, 2010 and I was in tears as I said my final good-bye to her in a bitter letter which I had never sent:

"Abby,

You are in a lot of company aside from the people that you know as my former family; you can Google 'skinheads' to find like-minded others who agree with your perspective that I am less than equal to you, and deserve your indifference to me, or even your hatred of me. By the way, if we lived in the times of the Civil War, your behavior indicates that you would be supportive of slavery and the system of inequality which makes you feel greater than equal to 'others' who you would derisively call 'them'; I know because you think yourself better than me.

This note comes from inner pain but it is not an attempt at bloody revenge. I am not interested in tearing the people that you love the most away from you. However this is about love. I am disappointed in you. It takes love for me to say that. I don't feel the same for you that I have felt all of your life, up to now. Picture me looking into your eyes as I say that I am disappointed. I want you to feel it. I want it to matter, to stir something inside of you, to force you to question yourself and see whether you can become a better person.

Love me or don't, like me or don't, to each her own. If we are ever again to have a relationship...never mind; it won't happen. I am not less than equal to you and I will not be in the company of anyone, including you who cannot help themselves but to demonstrate their arrogance and their bigotry.

I hope that this letter is every bit as difficult for you to read as it was for me to write. If it is, then there is hope for you to learn compassion.

During the American Civil War people in the south chose to fight for the right to believe that people who were 'different' from themselves were 'inferior' and should be enslaved, taken advantage of, and used like animals for profit. You and I would have been on different sides of the Mason-Dixon Line fighting for or against the monsters of the south that lack compassion and humanity.

In any case, it seems that we have been doing battle and that has resulted in suffering for each of us, but no progress for either. Also, given the fact that you have the right to feel hurt because of what you think I have 'done' based upon the recommended reading and the volumes of research that you no doubt have read and digested (you know that I would have for you, had the table been turned), then you must feel well-founded that I deserve to be treated as you have treated me...someone inferior to you and cast out from family and from your heart.

In response, I think of you as a bigoted monster. You may earn my pity and even my respect through education and a change of heart, but you have taken something that was sacred to me; my love for you from before you were even born, and you have destroyed it. You may never again have my trust in the most unlikely event that you reach an epiphany and stray from your darkness. I would ask you to show me anything that you have read which reinforces your prejudice, but your ignorance insults me no less than where you could find such support for your heartlessness and depravity.

I took the path that I needed to take in order for me to live. You insult me to think that I have chosen to hurt people intentionally. Compare the thought process between us, I have suffered as a direct consequence to your choices. Our relationship is gone because of your lack of compassion and your lack of will to stand up to those others who disparaged my name to you.

My daughter would not have done what you have done. Tell me, how did you feel when you went behind my back to the people who I love and try to convince them that it is in their best interest to abandon me? Did you feel like my daughter? My daughter could never imagine doing that to anyone, let alone me. Yet that is what you have done.

I remember at the end of the Carol Burnett show, she would tug on her earlobe and sing, "I am so glad we had this time together, just to have a laugh or sing a song...seems we just get started and before you know it, comes the time we have to say so long."

I want to say 'so-long' to you as she did. In time, the fond memories will again displace this cauldron of deep emotional pain. Just two more questions to ponder: If a heart beats inside of someone but no one cares to listen, is that person really alive? Do you care to know or even contemplate the answer to the first question?

You have turned away from your parent; neither do I have a daughter since."

Perhaps my letter serves as testament on how love with nowhere to go can lead to such deep emotional pain. The harsh words which I had written only served as an attempt at expelling that pain... my pain. Abby may as well have been a ghost. I already knew that I would never see her again. Abby may have felt pain no less intense but from an entirely different perspective, equally legitimate in her mind... I will never know. I only hope that new life can someday flourish where those words and that love is buried; otherwise, what a wasted precious gift is love?

The reward for having the courage to be true to myself; living my life as it was intended, cost me dearly. I felt very lonely and depressed, and fearful of violence from those who are intolerant, including all of my former family members. The worst was, I felt unloved, and unlovable.

I would keep trying to find joy in the simplest of things; including the privilege of just being alive to witness the beauty that I looked for everywhere around me. Still, I could never pursue love, and I would never feel loved again. Those cherished memories were to be carefully boxed and gently opened from time to time just to recall that they were real. I must have felt as Henry David Thoreau did while he was living at Walden Pond, but unlike him I would never leave there.

I did have the benefit of a professional counselor prior to being uprooted by my family. She had warned that some might be unable or unwilling to accept me, and I knew that was a remote possibility. Unfortunately, I had the expectation that I would be accepted; after all, I felt loved and respected by everyone in my family for all of my life up until then. To my peril, her admonitions fell on muffled ears, and I had not prepared for the worst-case scenario.

I had waited a lifetime for the sap of my soul to push me from my unsuitable cocoon in order to begin my life. I was at the dawn of a new and promising, and for the first time, authentic chapter of my life and I felt so alive, so new and hopeful with unbridled potential... but there were no cheering witnesses to share my joy. Those who had once cared about me left me to stand alone or to die... They knew that rejection in similar circumstances often leads to suicide, but I no longer mattered enough to them to care at all.

From the beginning, I had asked for my family's forgiveness; acknowledging that living my life honestly and transitioning my male body to female, was hurting them terribly. In forgiveness, there would be a return to 'normalcy', however, 'what' I am disgraced them. I had known the fruits of being a part of family, and would gladly choose to be with company, but no longer in their company.

What they had done actually disgraced them. I could never forget their betrayal at the time that I had asked for and desperately needed their support. If not criminally, they were all morally guilty of depraved indifference and in a more perfect world, they would have been punished and their behavior demonstrated as wretched examples of intolerable social behavior within a family setting, just as children are removed from abusive parents and the parents punished when someone outside the family notices their abusive behavior. By turning a blind eye, society actually supports their reprehensible behavior and helps to guarantee that there will be a steady supply of future victims like me, who simply need to be themselves.

While I can understand their pain, I cannot understand the behavior of my former family. No choice was made in order to cause their pain. They could have embraced and supported me. It does happen in some other families. Their rejection of me through conspiracy was their choice; one that they could live with, even while knowing it might be one that I could die from.

As I reflect on the meaning of 'family', I cannot imagine what evil or wickedness that a sibling, a parent, or a child might be guilty of, that I would banish them forever from the family. I certainly cannot imagine supporting the wholesale expulsion by everyone in the family of a single member, especially when there was no violence committed against another. Still, my siblings, my remaining parent and my children individually and collectively rejected me for coming to terms with a congenital birth defect in order to be myself.

The result from so much rejection was that I felt shattered and worthless. There was no one who could understand my pain, or who would come forward to comfort me. My forecasted plans were replaced with the vacuum of uncertainty. I was inconsolable, lost weight that I could ill afford to lose, and felt very alone and frightened. My 'skin' was still quite thin, and I will always fear those who have turned away from me; for they have demonstrated quite clearly to me, that I am not worth their compassion; and how low must anyone be, let alone a family member, who is not worth compassion and can be swept away from their consciousness?

I wonder how many people are treated as I was who are so much younger than I; who lack the advantages that I had from age and from life experience, strength, security, and wisdom? I wonder if I could have survived with any less than I had going for myself, and I cry for those lonely souls who died for the compassion that was denied to them by those who should have cared.

There would never be an attempt to return to what once was; trust was gone. Failing to come to the aid of someone at risk, depraved indifference is close to violence, especially by those who turned away from someone who had asked for their help.

When hope ran out for there to be a return to normalcy, I had to move on. I started out with forgiveness as a goal and ended up with indifference. In the end, I could not forgive the actions which I could not understand; I would not have acted as they had under the same circumstances. I found indifference to be the only frame of mind which would allow me to move on as they all had, on a journey where our paths would never again cross.

I knew that I was different from the character I had once been, but there was no reflection to be seen from the eyes of others to help me to see the new me; the 'me' which had always been in the shadow of that former character. I was not loved or wanted by anyone and I was a real life person without definition or role to play, an undesired vessel with untested and undesired content. I desperately missed being loved, and I knew that I would never feel loved by anyone, ever again.

My history will say that I was where I needed to be in the beginning of my new life; a place where we are all at when we are born... that instant when we don't even know what love is, and we have no expectations. We only know that we are horribly miserable... and we cry.

I crossed an invisible threshold soon after where I recovered enough to say to myself that I deserve life, that love is in my heart, and that the sunshine from each new day gives hope that my life can feel brand new someday too.

I buckled down to find what comfort I could in a life of forced and self-imposed solitude; something that I doubt I could have done before I had to. It was 'forced' in the sense that I could not expect to survive openly in society, either financially or from my well-founded fear of being ostracized, or hurt by my own former family and others with their bigoted perspective, and 'self-imposed' because of compromise with Annie to live within an established framework of responsibilities and expectations through respect and friendship. I sought joy in the simplest of things, like walking and writing, things which I had once taken for granted. Annie was finally finding some relief as well.

As life would have it, my experience was well-timed in order to be useful. On August 23rd, 2010 I had written to someone who had been feeling like me to offer the very support that I needed to hear myself,

"... I have also felt as you do several times during my life, and as recently as this year. As a teenager, I felt that I would not live to the age of twenty-one. I am not sure where the feelings came from, but they were powerful and I believed and trusted those instincts. When I had passed that age, I thought of my life as a gift of time beyond what was intended for me.

Many years from then, and during the last two years of a failing relationship, I took weekly cumulative steps in preparation for a final good-bye. In the end, it was my imagined empathy of my young children who would miss their loving parent which kept me alive. Over the past two years, another crisis impacted my life for the rest of my life and for the lives of people who care (and no longer care) for me. It has made me feel as you wrote in another story about being "different" and "isolated". I spent countless sleepless nights wondering about how and when to do 'it'.

One night I posed the question to myself, "Is it logical for anyone or anything that is alive to self-terminate?" I answered, "No" with some caveats. First, there are circumstances, such as chronic severe pain, or heroic efforts to save others, where the decision would be logical. However, to self-terminate for emotional reasons would not be rational. Consider this: Had I self-terminated in the past, I wouldn't have the many memories which I am grateful to have since, nor would I have the special people in my life who I now cherish.

Time and change in life are inseparable. There will be people and events which will inspire you or help you to heal. You are roughly half of my age. Imagine yourself reading your own story, but at the hand of someone who is only half of your age. Knowing that you have overcome obstacles that were nearly insurmountable, what advice would you give a fledgling star?"

It was difficult to imagine that I could hear a greater affirmation for myself than to think that someone else might think of me as 'a fledgling star'. The words were helpful and I paused to drink them in but I was still at risk.

Annie knew that my thoughts gravitated toward suicide and that I frequently needed to fend them off. She wrote an email to me on August 24th, 2010.

"Choosing suicide...it is easier to go away forever than to live one more day?

If you choose to end your life...please take into consideration the people you leave behind...if there is anyone...ANYONE...who you care about, please write them a letter...give them closure...if you care about them at all, don't let them live the rest of their life with unanswered questions of why...let them know who you are and why you did what you did...tell them you love them, care about them but let them know why you couldn't stay here...absolve them from any and all responsibility for YOUR actions...don't let them live the rest of their lives with questions that will never have answers...give them your written words and let them heal.

Annie"

Only Annie deserved an explanation for my suicide, but she already knew the reasons. She wouldn't have to keep repeating my story, though, if I prepared a suicide note. Frankly, that seemed like a lot of trouble for me to explain my death to all of the people who no longer cared about me while I lived. If nothing else, her letter motivated me to think less often of suicide simply because of that thankless and meaningless task.

That same day August 24th, 2010 I wrote to a friend an encouraging word which helped me to stay positive,

"I am grateful for us all, who would be alone and frightened, to realize that we are in good company here. I came here seeking some level of acceptance, and I have found it. I hope many more who feel as I did find this community and can share in the caring that happens here!

Bella, you said it yourself, "It's me that I am going to please." There comes a time when we need to be true to ourselves. There is no way to know in advance, what cost there will be in pain to others, relationships, and family. Only you can see the cost of pretending to others, to be who they want to see. 'I AM' ultimately needs to survive, and everyone else will be able and willing to adapt, or they won't.

You cannot be responsible for anyone's reaction to 'whom you are', but you will be responsible for the pain that they feel. It is complicated. You will feel sorry to be the source of so much pain and confusion for people you love and care for. You must know that you only did it because you needed to. Survival is not a choice. If you are rejected in a worst-case scenario, please remember your friends here."

I did not struggle to write those words, "Survival is not a choice". They seemed just a matter of fact as we all have an instinct for survival. I would have to reconcile the idea of instinct as a built-in subroutine to continue to exist in the context of an intellectual 'choice' to live with intense struggle. I wouldn't embrace those words to apply to myself until much later. I was still in shock from the entirety of betrayal by, and loss of, family.

I had believed that our family was strong; that love would always keep us together. Instead, when I needed them most, I felt betrayed by each, and by all. I had had it. I was beaten up and kicked out. It was very difficult for me to grasp the truth and I would go through a grieving process myself, sometimes feeling strong and later feeling defeated.

At least I still had a partner who stayed with me... but she still would not use my name. Annie also insisted that I had to be dressed like a man in order to be seen with her in public so that she wouldn't be thought of as a lesbian. Even so, we would often be addressed as 'ladies'. I felt like a fool in a man's costume in order that others could pretend that I am not really me.

On August 24th, 2010 I wrote about my first experience being in public attired in accordance with my feminine gender,

"For me, the first time out was feeling like Mary Tyler Moore looked in the '70's when, at the beginning of her TV show, she was so happy in downtown Minneapolis that she stopped in the street and joyously threw her hat into the air.

I also felt such a mix of both self-confidence and vulnerability. I had the confidence that I am a woman on the inside, and that it should be transparent and obvious to anyone observing me. I also knew that the slightest disagreeable expression or gesture, from anyone would hurt me terribly and send me scurrying home. Thank goodness, that did not happen!

I think an equal 'first' feeling for me was when I pushed the door open, walked into, and became a part of, the female inner sanctum, the women's public restroom. There were bright lights, rows of mirrors, and so many women. Any one of them would be able to tell if something wasn't quite right in their midst. I felt a sense of honor to have been accepted among them, even though I wasn't conversing with anyone there.

Think of how simple these pleasures are, yet how euphoric!"
CHAPTER 5 – FANTASIES SUPPLEMENT PERSPECTIVE OF SELF

On August 27th, 2010 I wrote to a friend (born 'girl-in-a-boy') about a fantasy I had to be young again, but in the appropriate body,

"I love entertaining myself with the 'what-ifs', had my body followed my feminine mind at birth. I would have worn pretty clothes at school, spent quality time socializing with friends about things that I will never know with any certainty, and probably would have pursued English courses and creative writing instead of math and science. I would still struggle as a lesbian then...or would I? Women friends tell me that I should be grateful that I have never had the monthly 'curse' that they had to endure. But I also know that I will never have the opportunity to sense a new life growing inside of me; a memory that I would cherish and for which the 'curse' would seem a very small price to pay. I would love to be a mother and have the bond that only a mother can share with her children.

As it is, I console myself that I have many wonderful memories and relationships that would not have happened had I been born in physical and mental harmony. I have two children, who would not be the same wonderful, talented and intelligent people that they are. I am proud of how they have mastered their environs, but regretfully, they are too intolerant of people who are different from them...at least they are intolerant of me.

Someday, if I do come back to live my life entirely as female, I hope that there remains something of the preciousness I feel about being feminine. I picture, lying in bed some night when I am, say ten or so, and it crosses my mind that I could have been born as a boy. At some moment like that, I would thank my lucky stars that I was born true to my gender. I would also hope that I could appreciate the gender spectrum someday, and empathize with souls, like ours, who struggle to live as we were intended."

There were social costs associated with 'coming clean' which needed to be paid in courage. I wrote to a friend on August 29th, 2010,

"Of course, I am fearful of the general public, but need to present myself there in order to feel alive from time to time and to grow. Otherwise, mine is mostly a life of misery and loneliness. But I do find joy in the fact that I had the courage to be honest and true to myself...to live."

The social venue provided by SN proved to be a key catalyst for me to heal. For the first time, I was looking forward from the tragedy of my personal wounds, and began to look introspectively. I wrote this to a new friend I met within days of joining SN on August 29th, 2010,

"I have regrets, but I don't. Sometimes, I like to imagine the life that I missed, had my body only been properly born. I think of the girls in my schools that I would have called friends, and I wonder what we might have chatted about and learned from each other... On the other hand, I wouldn't have the many memories that I cherish from this life. Given a choice, I would have to decide, and I am relieved that I am not given that choice...

Then again, I sure hope that there is a next time; a second chance."

On August 29th, 2010, that same day I wrote back to a friend who asked if I would ever return to my family if they asked me to,

"I think intolerance is a stone's throw away from violence. It scares me to know what some people can do to other people, just because of their perceived differences. Do you think your fear is irrational? Maybe it is. But how rational is it for one to be fearful of her children and family members? If former family eventually accepted me and asked me to rejoin them (I am quite sure that they won't), I would still have to forgive them for their betrayal of me when I needed them the most, and had told them so at the time. I suppose that I would eventually work out some arrangement. Still, I would not have abandoned any of them under the same or similar circumstances. I thought family and love were unconditional. I would never again feel the same about being a part of their family.'

When she pressed me more, I wrote back,

"Before I get started on this, I think that it is important to know that betrayal by my family was specific to me being born 'girl-in-a-boy' and leading to gender dysphoria (a condition requiring change of the body to conform to the mind) and corrective measures to transform my body. Otherwise, I have been respected and liked by everyone in my family and for all of my life. I have witnessed tension and conflict between other family members, but I have managed to stay out of any fray with all of them. Further, I had worked with my father one-on-one for many years; something that no one else in my family can say...

In my case, betrayal was three-tiered. First, each member of my family turned his or her back on me (refused to be in my company, uninvited me to any future family gatherings (my father also removed reference of me from his will). Secondly, all members collectively ousted me from family. In other words, each family member understood that all other family members excised me from family and not one of them defended me from being hurt by all others. Third, while some simply withdrew from any channels of communication with me, others made repeated attempts at convincing others that I loved and cared for, that they should not support me in any way. Such attempts were successful at dividing me from my children, but repeated attempts were not successful at dividing me from my partner. The point of the third aspect of betrayal is that it included attempts (some successful) to hurt me. Trust me, Lyrica I would have much preferred a severe beating to the loss of my children's love, or even of the loss of their interest in me.

... I will forgive my children, if ever given the opportunity; simply because I will always love them unconditionally, but for all others – no. I cannot foresee circumstances that will ever allow me to trust them again. In fact, I fear that they might try to hurt me in other ways that I try not to imagine.

If all of this seems rather clinical of me to say, I agree. No one before you has posed that question to me so directly.

That is not to say that during the period over which I was cast away from family I was not cut to the core...I was. It was during that period that I needed to rationalize that self-termination was illogical and the stress of it all caused me to lose weight that I could ill afford to lose. It also put a severe additional strain on the relationship between my partner and me.

One more thing: My partner has no other family than my former family. They have no issues or problems with her, and she has no problem with them, as long as they all ignore the (slender) elephant not in the room...me."

It was good for me to think 'clinically' or objectively about the extent to which I was betrayed. Clearly understanding the origin of emotional pain may play a part in subconsciously understanding the healing that needs to happen in order to overcome that pain. In any case, I felt as though I had grown somehow by having been inspired to write about how I felt. I also felt more confident as I tried to move on with my life from then.

Adam had started a nine-day seminar and I felt ready to focus on my paralegal studies again... finally. I felt ashamed to admit that I had been overtaxed by the family events of the year to date, and that I was simply unable to focus as I needed to. I already had a six-month extension once from my first doctor while dealing with dysphoria (which had cost $75), but I promised Annie that I would not need more than that. She was extremely disappointed in me for having to spend that extra money. My only hope to graduate would be to seek forbearance. I sent a letter that failed to elicit an exception to their $75 policy. I was 80% completed with an average test score of 95% when my hopes to complete the program were dashed.

In the letter that I sent to them, I wrote,

"If you will grant my six-month medical extension, I will (proudly) complete my goal with your Paralegal program and seek employment with an attorney who advocates for discriminated clientele. That would be a dream-come-true for me. There is much work that needs to be done in the freest of all nations, to make everyone free and equal. I want to help. Please, help me now so that I can do my part."

I felt those words deeply as I wrote them, and I would find that my passion behind them would grow as I regained my strength. At the time, I felt fortunate to have come away from the first quarter of the year with my life. 'Maybe I still had to heal more before I could handle the rigors of the coursework', I told myself. The fact is that I failed myself, and an opportunity to fit into an occupation which would have been extremely rewarding to me. It slipped through my fingers while I tried to hold onto my family, but at least I still had all of the coursework material to learn from.

Annie was very disappointed in me that the expense of the program plus the cost of the earlier extension had not produced another marketable degree for me. She refused to consider spending the extension fee. There were principles involved and $75 might just as well have been $7500.

I felt that it was a missed opportunity to not spend the $75 to complete the coursework, but I was not open for a debate with Annie on principles. I was not upset with her when on August 31st, 2010 I wrote,

"Love is many things, but among them, Love is the gift of giving. In my relationship with my partner, the return for my love is not love, but happiness that I derive by knowing that I have done something to help make my partner happy, or her life in some small way better, or that for some reason, she expresses through word or gesture that she appreciates that I care (she does not appreciate that I love her)...

'We' would have not endured, but for our mutual trust and honesty. Humor is slowly making its way back to us. We still struggle to find ways of making memories together, but they are beginning to happen.

She is the only family that I have and the only flesh and blood friend that I have. All others have turned away from 'what' I am before even entertaining the notion of 'who' I am. I think that our relationship is improving, but her impression is the one that is determinant. Time will tell."

Our relationship was sorely lacking compared to conventional marriages in some other critical areas: There is no physical intimacy, and there is very little that we could do together in public.
CHAPTER 6 – DIGNITY

On September 2nd, 2010 I wrote to a friend about family and fitting into a new life,

"Here is an interesting picture of 'family'. There is a person in my partner's family whose name is permanently 'of interest' by the state from which he hails; however his past misdeeds do not get in the way of family interactions with him. I thought that my own family would be at least as tolerant for nothing done by me that was unlawful or even immoral...I thought wrong though, didn't I?

My holidays will never be the same, but I also look forward to what new traditions I can start for myself (at least, that's what I tell myself)...

I want to be proud of myself someday and not see through the eyes of others who sit in scornful judgment of myself, and others like me, who are somehow perceived as unacceptably different from themselves. They cannot possibly have a legitimate opinion of me or of us. Because of their choice or because of their inability to feel compassion, they do not know me, or others like me, at all.

The sad thing is that I also hope that someone will remember me after I pass on and think of me by my name and not the legal name attributed to my body at birth. That would leave only my partner, but even she will not use my name. Isn't that tragic? I am so thankful that I have you and others here to help me feel okay. Perhaps, it is the people who await us, who will best appreciate who we are. For me, that would be my mother and my sister."

That same day September 2nd, 2010 I wrote back to a new friend who sent encouraging words for me to "hold your head high" and that I am a "beautiful person",

"I also need to temper my needs and expectations with the needs of my partner... she is the only person who stood with me. However, we don't have mutual friends, so aside from SN, I am friendless and have no family either. I am only 'myself' at times while home or while on rare outings alone. At times I am miserably lonely. I am still thinking of ways to interact with society, rather than to just peek in from the corners...

I think that I am a 'good' person, but I also believe that in the end, it is not our own impression of self that matters, and it troubles me that few will ever miss me or even know my name...

I hope that someday, I can look into the mirror and honestly say to myself that I am a beautiful person, and that others truly believe that. Thank you for being the first person in my life to say that to me..."

Even in my own home, life was very awkward and difficult for me each time Annie's son came to visit. I had to dress in men's clothes and be addressed by my former male name while he was here. I had to suffer the indignity of being thought of less than socially equal by both of them. On September 5th, 2010 I wrote this note to a new friend, SJ,

"When I woke today, I found my partner, Annie, asleep on the couch in the living room and her son, Jeremy, tinkering on his computer in the dining room. I woke Annie and volunteered to make breakfast, then took their orders. They both wanted eggs, toast & jelly, and sausages (I had pain reliever and jelly-toast). While at the breakfast table, I asked if their eggs were as they had ordered. Annie made her comment, then after that uncomfortable silence, she filled the gap with, 'Were your eggs alright, Jeremy?'

After breakfast, Annie and I began cleaning the table and Jeremy wasn't helping. I mentioned loudly enough for Jeremy to hear, and in a humorous tone, that we should let him clear off the table today so he can prove that his mother was telling the truth about raising him so well. In response, Jeremy pulled the placemats off, put them into the cabinet, and said, 'There!' and then he proceeded into the living room to watch television alone as Annie and I finished cleaning. I didn't expect more from him, but it bothers me that he acts like a guest rather than like family. Annie is very protective of her (then) 38-year-old son, so I don't comment. The distance between them is a very narrow gap and too perilous a place for me to tread.

While Annie and I were still cleaning in the kitchen, Jeremy invited Annie to see the video he recorded on his camera. Annie uncomfortably asked me to join them... the underlying message from Jeremy was, 'Natalae, as far as I am concerned, there are two people here and you aren't one of them.' The message from Annie was, "I know that you are being treated disrespectfully, but I won't attempt to stand up for you or for us by confronting Jeremy."

Neither thanked me for making their breakfast. That was typical behavior for Jeremy, but highly uncharacteristic of Annie, and I attribute the oversight on her part to the social awkwardness created by Jeremy.

The two of them are exclusive of me when they are together. They smoke together (I don't smoke), shop together, and Annie drives hours to see him for weekends without me... Annie and Jeremy tell me through their behavior, that I am not 'good enough' for their company... "

Having written about how it feels to be disrespected, I was inspired on September 6th, 2010 to write to a friend about my wish to have a basic human need, the dignity of being recognized as a person.

"... I am a real person who deserves, at least, some small measure of respect and dignity that each of us would extend to anyone else.

It has been almost three years; still my partner uses the wrong name to address me. I do hope for a change someday. She knows that I will be addressed as Natalae at my memorial, where she will be in lonesome attendance. I do so want her to call me reflexively by my name, but I cannot push her. It must be her choice, and I must be patient."

Annie and I had thought of divorce... often. Our living arrangement was the result of years of uncertainty of whether it could work at all and compromise. Family members, friends, and therapists all voiced opinions (or offered their persuasive reasons to Annie) that we would not survive together. We both knew, years ago, that we would never know love and passion again, with each other, or with anyone. Annie would always love her husband, who was gone; no one could replace him for her, and there was no one else but her for me.

Suddenly and out of nowhere, a voice from the recent past stirred my hope for family and my apprehension for being hurt again. It was a letter from my son, Adam. We had been trying unsuccessfully to communicate in various forms without misunderstanding one another. On September 7th, 2010 I wrote to him,

"Adam,

Thanks for your reassurance. It is helpful for me to read in the opening lines that 'this is good news'. This response is also good news.

Just to put your mind at ease for worry, I don't need to adjust the pace of my reading, and I am not unhealthy. I am, however, very sensitive. I also feel my inner strength returning to normal, but my armor is still quite worn. I am strong enough to demand a modicum of dignity and respect from any relationship, which is a place that I had to rise to. However, it would take only a few mistaken or poorly chosen words from you to set me back to a place that I never want to see again. There's the reason for my fear. I am vulnerable, especially to you. Just to be clear, ESPECIALLY TO YOU...

By the way, you think that I am liable to misunderstand you and I agree. You also need to be aware that you misunderstand me from time to time.

I have told you that I would not ever get between you and your sister (Abby). It occurred to me that you may have been placed between your sister and me, and that you might have needed to make a choice between us. I want you to know that I never blamed you. If there was a choice to be made, I would rather know that the two of you would always be there for each other, than know that I was the cause of a schism between the two of you.

I have been doing a lot of writing lately. It helps me – tremendously. Someday I'll share (if you are curious), or I will destroy it all, but for now I need to stay away from events of 2010 and any discussion involving family and myself as the subject, including Abby. Someday, we can visit those subjects, but I don't look forward to it. I have found people to care for and who care about me, and I have made them my friends. Life is better, and I can find happiness in the smallest of things."

The truth was that I was indeed quite vulnerable to a setback, and rekindling a relationship with someone who had not come to my aid at a time of personal crisis was scary for me. I wrote about it to my friend SJ on September 7th, 2010, that same day,

"Dearest SJ,

... I am sorry that I am a little distracted; I heard from my son two days ago. He left a message that he wants to talk with me again. It has been a long time, and I cried when I heard his voice. I am happy to know that he wants to rekindle our relationship and terrified at the same time. I just cannot go through the anguish of losing someone again. I am not ready to trust people who have left me because of what I am to them, especially since they had not taken the trouble to know 'who' I am.

I was up until 2:00 o'clock a.m. today writing to him about how I feel and explaining that we need to proceed with ground rules and an abundance of caution. Can you imagine having to write that to your own son? I did choose softer language, but with the same meaning. I am so apprehensive about this! My instincts tell me to run, but I cannot run from him. I love both of my children always, and without condition...

Few people can understand the loneliness and hardship that we go through just to be 'who we are', although most point to the pain that we cause others through no fault of our own. Fewer still, know that there is fire and passion within us that searches for comfort, with rare satisfaction, or none at all..."

Adam and I agreed that future communications between us would proceed only after our face-to-face encounter, which would happen within the next few months for Thanksgiving or Christmas when he arrived from Denver to celebrate with his family.

The approaching holiday season would not be easy for either Annie or for me, and I was still fraught with guilt for having caused so much emotional and financial pain in Annie's life. I tried to make up for it by demonstrating some sacrifice. I had written this to a friend on September 14th, 2010.

"Like you, I have little in the way of access to funds after bills are paid to buy clothes and all of the other fun things I would like to express myself with. In fact, I am under a seven-month spending moratorium, until Christmas 2010, due to the increase in hormones (and increased cost) prescribed by my doctor.

My partner and I do have the money, but each advance for me to physically express myself comes at a cost to her emotionally. When I am able to buy new things, I typically go to second hand stores, because the clothes are so much less expensive, and I am still learning what my tastes are. I wish I had the benefit of growing up with purchasing clothes to know what is age-appropriate, but there is a benefit to being ignorant of such things; I get to learn."

ELECTROLYSIS

Electrolysis (facial hair removal) comes at no small cost either. I postponed treatment planned in February 2010 to July 2010 to show good faith and shared sacrifice to Annie. Although we both shared the financial sacrifice, Annie knew that electrolysis was the next greatest need for me to feel within an appropriate body following corrective surgery. Waiting felt like sacrifice, but for all else with regard to wounds from my former family, my generally poor sense of self, and my failure at paralegal studies; perhaps in some way I felt that I deserved to feel more pain in order to punish myself.

Still I needed to feel some reassurance and affirmation that I am worthy of the trouble and expense of being myself. That same day on September 14th, 2010 I wrote this little note,

"I have made it a habit to smile and say, "Hello, beautiful" whenever I pass by the mirror that hangs in my closet. I need to hear that; and I know that I am the only person who will ever say that to me. That sounds vain, and I don't know how to defend vanity, per se, but there is more than vanity at play. I have never had the benefit that most women and girls have had; to hear their father, mother, girlfriend, or boyfriend say at some point in their life, if not often, that they are beautiful, or pretty. For me, to hear someone call me beautiful, or tell me that I am pretty, would be fuel for my soul and add years to my life."

At the time, that admission might have made Annie feel uncomfortable or upset with me, yet I needed someone to interact with me, even if it had to be myself, in order to validate myself and to feel as though I belonged among the living.

Even as I was so desperate to hear some validation of myself as to acknowledge myself while passing a mirror, one of my friends wondered about the significance or the utility of friendships on-line, which I took as a challenge to the legitimacy of my primary social outlet. On September 16th, 2010 I wrote back to her noting the presumed compromise and limitations of on-line friendships:

"You are right, Mary. We all lack trust here, and aside from stimulation to our hearts and minds, our friendships are sorely lacking. I wish that we could have eye-to-eye contact and a warm hug when we need one. But, the fact that I wish for that is little consolation to anyone. So we are not 'true' friends, because we lack trust. But we lack trust because we require safety.

My life is so far from rich, because aside from my partner, the only friends that I have are friends like you. Even my partner will still not call me by my name (no small pain to me). I cannot trust that the people I might meet in person can be tolerant of me having been born in a body contrary to my feminine mind. Most people who live near me and my own family and children consider me to be an outcast. Violence is but a stone's throw away from intolerance and I even fear some in my own former family.

I have learned to find happiness in small ways. I came here to SN with no friends. I am so lonely and I have no one to touch or to be touched by, yet I am so much less lonely now than I was before I met you and others here.

So, even though our relationship is a relatively shallow one, please, don't think that I don't appreciate you. I am sure you mean much more to me than you know. You are in Ireland and I am in central North America, but right now, as I write this, I feel close to you.

Still, if you have the option to exchange your time with me and others like me in front of your computer for time like I wish we could spend together, in the company of someone – flesh and blood, who encompasses the full meaning of friendship, then I think you should.

Your, 'I wish I could be a better friend',  
Natalae"

After writing that, I began wondering about it – a lot. While writing and reading from others, I did feel connected; but where might a psychologist draw the line between reality and delusion when we think of friendships with souls we only know through our keyboards? How much of someone whom we can actually touch do we know, and how much of our impression is purely improvised by what we subjectively add to or subtract from in our cumulative social intercourse with anyone?

Whether we meet someone flesh and blood and can hear their voice, I supposed that we all delude ourselves with how honest, trustworthy, and reliable we can think of our friends before we actually have experience testing those, and other traits.

I concluded that: Deluded or not, I am so much happier to feel connected with someone, I just will not worry about it! With experience, I might be able to decipher which traits among friends I could think of as real in on-line virtual friendships vs. traditional friendships.

The benefits of having a connection to others who care, may seem obvious, especially to someone with friends and family intact. For me, the people there, who shared their hearts and minds, provided at least, a temporary respite and reprieve which helped me to heal. The simple act of caring and understanding by and for others was immeasurably therapeutic to me. For example: I discovered that to be told that you are loved, or that you have a beautiful soul, can be as medicinal and effective as penicillin when sincerely administered in the proper dosage, and at the proper time. Returning the favor, by being a friend in time of need, offering advice or a virtual hug has reciprocal rewards.

Even while I was finding my way blindly and from the shelter of my desk to my rightful place within the Sisterhood of the world, I felt subtle changes happening inside. I was not sure if how I was feeling was a moving target, or if I was simply migrating to the natural place where I belong on what a psychiatrist might define as a 'sexuality spectrum'. On September 18th, 2010 I wrote privately about my confusion,

SEXUAL FRAME OF MIND

I am a lesbian that is married to a heterosexual woman. Neither of us is interested in casual sex. But my doctor has told me that the most influential sex organ in women and men is the mind. Although I am not interested in men and never have been, I have a male socialized feminine mind and my perspective on my sexual orientation is not the same as it once was. I am a lesbian, but I also visualize myself within a Sisterhood, which provides a non-romantic viewpoint of other women for me.

Even while no woman will ever again light a fire in me, I can certainly imagine a slow burn, heart flutters, warm facial flushes, and a deep sensory bonding of mind and body.

I will be faithful and loyal to my partner, but I am also vulnerable to the faceless lover in my mind...

Sexual fantasy

I have wonderful dreams, my beautiful thoughts that are so in tune with who I am. Just before I succumb to sleep, I look for her. She uses her sweet voice to softly sing the notes along with the classical piano music that plays in my head. Her silhouette with a long-flowing gown comes into hazy view. I see from the dim light that she is singing through her knowing smile. I see her eyes shine and lock onto mine.

She lay next to me and I can almost feel her warm and slightly moist breath on my face. I am no mystery to her. There is nothing to hide between us. Her skin is feels very soft as her hands clutch mine. I blush as she kisses me, her lips barely touching mine. It is a lingering slow-burn. The music is still playing... The experience almost void of physical except for the closeness, and the closeness feels almost spiritual. I am completely passive and there is no aggression between us, just companionship.

My partner cannot be with me in these dreams. I am a woman, and neither she nor I can imagine her becoming intimate with me, or with any other woman, for that matter. She, in my dreams, is always nameless and faceless. To put a name or a face to her would make it feel as though I were cheating on Annie. No one will replace my partner or the memories we share of an incomparable love affair, although her husband has 'died', and her memories are understandably painful for her to recall as they seem gauche to me.

I suppose that if I were available, few people would consider me more than 'damaged goods' once the word, 'transsexual' surfaced in a budding relationship. It is irrelevant to me personally, but the point is simply to demonstrate a painful and lonesome reality that most people who walk this path must experience.

Yet, I am a woman, and I have my dreams.

If I were born in a girl's body, commensurate to my mind... Lesbian dating

Perhaps we would share a glass of wine at a small outdoor café. Each of us would be sitting with our legs casually crossed, holding our glasses and our gaze at one another, while we talked about our day. We would share each other's company as if no one else were near, even while our laughs, giggles and our voices mingled in the din. The colors surrounding us, the ambiance of a lightly shading umbrella table, the aromas carried by the soft breeze, and the music piped in from a distance would all fix themselves into our memories of such a beautiful moment in our lives."

I persisted looking inward without the benefit of face-to-face contact with anyone. Annie was definitely not interest in sharing 'girl' secrets or in discussing the inner quests or questions of Natalae... and understandably so. Yet, I was a girl in woman's body who had not had the benefit of the proper social education that I could have benefited from. I wrote one of my first personal insights on September 19th, 2010,

IF ONLY I HAD BEEN BORN A GIRL

I often fantasize about having been born a girl and what my life would be like as an adult. I imagine a soulful connection and a stable loving relationship with my lesbian partner, and fulfilling my maternal instincts by artificial insemination.

I imagine having that 'glow' that all pregnant women have about them, purchasing all of the special clothing for myself and our baby, having a baby shower in the company of so many well-wishers and smiling faces that share our joy, and of reaching around my tummy to caress my yet unborn baby. I think of the anticipation I would have of the unbearable pain of child birth, followed by the whiplash emotions which would overwhelm it, those of supreme joy and the happiness from feeling new life coming forth from my own body. I would experience the feeling of an instant and everlasting connection to my forever baby.

My partner's tears of joy blending with my own, as she kisses me, the new feeling of family, which we both expected but could not imagine, would be instantaneous and palpable to us both. I would feel the bond between my partner and I grow so much deeper, even though previously, I couldn't have thought it possible.

I have the memories that I have and many to cherish. But, they are the memories of the character that I was tricked into believing I was. My life is, therefore, a composite of a different character and my own. I use my heart to see what my 'real' past might have been. I am so happy that I had the courage to come clean and finally live MY life!"

On September 21st, 2010 I had written a long letter to a friend, who like me, was surviving in a marriage strained by the same challenges,

"... I trust my partner. I will always feel that I owe her for the sacrifices that she made in order that I could live with myself... She used to love me. She lost her husband, and now lives with a female roommate who is not of her choosing. She wouldn't remarry. She has had the love of her life and that will only happen once. No one will ever get so close as to be able to hurt her again.

Things between us get better and worse. Better is winning out, but very slowly. I have told her on many occasions that I cannot feel comfortable living with her if I know that I can only cause her pain.

Last night, she got my attention and told me that, as she came home, she was thinking about how much she likes living here, and how she feels more comfortable with me than she would with any other. I am sure few can know what a huge impact that had on me (I well up, just recalling it). That was a big bite where tiny crumbs of joy are the usual fare."

Indeed, it was a remarkable leap for Annie to say that to me, although she still could not afford to offer me the dignity that would come by using my name to address me.

My sexuality was also evolving, but I didn't know at the moment if how I felt would be how I always would feel. I wrote a story about questioning my sexuality, posted it briefly on September 25th ,2010, but later deleted it, because I thought it might make me seem vulnerable and uncertain of myself... which I was.

LOOKING AT MEN

There are relatively few men who have truly impressed me throughout my life; those with character traits of passion and patience to speak thoughtfully and thoroughly in order to teach or to express themselves accurately and precisely, perseverance, graciousness, intelligence, and honesty (among others). I can name several wonderful people, men whom I have been fortunate to know, with one or more of these traits. There are two men that I have known who have excelled in all of those character traits, and one more that is extremely rare to find in abundance, among any of the men that I have known ,compassion.

A very few men seem to wear that one well. One is my uncle John. Everyone who knows him loves him. In the face of opposition by others, he is the only male within my entire family who has demonstrated his support for me through my transition. The other is my best friend from high school – Bill. I love Bill, and I always will. He is a beautiful person who makes this world a better place, simply by being a part thereof. Not surprisingly, he also supports who I am. Bill is a man. There is nothing about Bill that is physically attractive to me; not that he would disappoint the discerning eye of most women. I am not now, nor have I ever been, sexually attracted to men.

The point that I will attempt to make; that I see men differently now, needs to be framed with: I am a lesbian, and I have always been a lesbian. Before I realized that fact, I looked at men as I imagine that a heterosexual male would view them, sexually unattractive, but as loosely aligned partners on the same 'team'; brotherhood. The feeling of brotherhood came with many, but not all, of the same socialized interests that I grew up with, coupled with the invisible barrier that separates men from women generally; that being a recognition that the other half of the species has different socialized interests and a differing perspective of the world.

From my female perspective, I look for the values that some men have (or do not have) and the fact that they are not my sisters; they are on the other side of that invisible barrier. Few men have acquired the values or the social skills to properly showcase them, which would elevate them above the threshold that a woman would have, simply by being a sister.

Put simply, I am much more at ease with, and generally prefer the company of my sisters, but I also know that there are some men whom I would be proud to call my friend.

If my body were born female, congruent to my mind and soul, I might not ever choose to marry a man. However, I do feel a sexual component of attraction to men now that I had not understood before. Emphasis, I am not sexually attracted to men. I have always visualized what it felt like for the woman to make love, how she would feel moment-to-moment and that visualization of her experience was the essence of my own. Now, I visualize that it is me who is penetrated, not by a man, but by another woman. I am never the aggressor, and I visualize how my body is making her feel, as she becomes 'one' with me. In this fantasy, she is always nameless and faceless, but she is 'she'.

While this discussion may seem moot (after all, making love will forevermore be a memory for me), I hope that by sharing my very personal feelings, others who struggle as I have, may find help, or hope... or even just some peace from solidarity.

Perhaps you can understand how confusing it might be for someone such as myself, when you hear the phrase '...penetrated by a woman'. There are some in my own family who will laugh at me to hear those words. There are many others, not in my family, who will laugh with them. There are also some who bristle, and probably think this world is too small a place to share with the likes of myself, and others, understand how I feel. I hope that if your inclination is the latter, that you look inward for some compassion at the suffering of real people who are in fact equal to you yet who have real differences... and many similarities to yourself."

While you might think this discussion may be purely an academic interest to me, because of my age and my commitment to Annie, try to imagine feeling about yourself for fifty-six years that you were 'normal' with no reference to allow yourself to see an alternative, and then realizing that you understand the underlying nature of being penetrated during sex. What was thought to be an out-of-body experience by compassionately looking at your partner had always been a projection of what you were naturally predisposed for. I will never know the experience, but I understand what I have missed. I was actually at the threshold of learning that I am not a lesbian at all, but becoming a heterosexual woman.

Just four days later on September 29th, 2010 I recalled teenage prom experiences which might have happened.

TEENAGE PROM

"I sometimes fantasize about having been on a date as a teenager, not that I have ever been attracted to boys or men. However, I would like to be seen by other girls, as I was given attention and cared for by my boyfriend in a social setting.

It is homecoming and I am a senior. My boyfriend, James, arrives to pick me up, and my mother is helping me to primp. A button broke on my dress at the last minute and we have to sew it back on, while James and my father struggle through an awkward conversation; awkward, because each is positioning himself to either question or defend their interest in me (consciously or subconsciously).

My mother precedes me in order to relieve the tension between James and my father, but also in order to give me stage presence. I decide when the proper moment arrives for me to begin my descent down the stairs and into the living room, where eager eyes greet me, especially James' eyes. A camera would flash and then an admonition to James not to be too late bringing me home follows the two of us as we leave the house hand-in-hand. I can tell that James' heart is racing. Not mine though, I feel effervescent, but I also feel confident and optimistic.

James opens my car door for me a little too quickly, and he bangs his left knee a little and he pretends that it didn't hurt at all. I can feel the proud eyes and the happy smiles of my family upon me through the blinds in the windows of our house. James carefully maneuvers away from the curb and slowly accelerates away. He has probably never driven so carefully before. Not only is he thinking of his most precious cargo, me, but he knows that he has been entrusted by my father to protect me. Safely on our way, he offers his right hand, which I cradle in my own, as he drives proudly with only his left. He is beaming and I feel like a princess.

We arrive just as it becomes fashionably late. There are still others on their way. James is more aware of his surroundings as a spatial orientation, where things are relative to each other. Mostly, he is captivated by what he considers the embodiment of beauty herself – me. His world for now revolves around the space within three feet of me.

My experience is quite different. I am appropriately helpless for James' sake, he goes alone to the punchbowl for my refreshment and pulls my chair out before I sit, and I reward him with my hand, my grateful smile and some quiet laughter. I am much more aware of my surroundings. I will remember the glances and smiles from my girlfriends, and will be able to recall with each of them the color and style of dresses worn, who was the most strikingly beautiful with the clothing choices she made and the hair style that seemed to best compliment the wearers face and personality. I would either know or wonder who it was who made the table decorations and the music choices (and remember to thank them). I would also notice who was not there, and who stood out for reasons good or bad.

As the night comes to a close, and he is on my porch saying, 'Goodnight', he gets his biggest reward; reassurance that he helped me to have a wonderful evening and a peck on the cheek (yuck). I suppose that is the least I can do for the person who not only spent the evening with me, but for me.

It seems to me that the art of dance and social intermingling is more a female venue. If such a social event had never been invented, it seems unlikely that modern men would come up with the idea of a prom night.

In an even more ideal world, I would be going to the prom with my girlfriend, Jamie. My mother would be helping both of us to get ready at the same time. We would be driven by a mutual friend and his or her date, and we would be holding hands in the back seat of the car. The dance would be an event that we would both absorb and share moment to moment. Our experience there would deepen our connection to each other, both knowing that it would be unforgettable. Each of us would be presented so beautifully to the other that our eyes would shine.

We would be a part of the event, and could have separate conversations with others there. We would each notice when the other's punch glass neared empty, and either of us, or both of us go for punch, and yet, whenever we would sit together, dance together, or just hold hands, we would feel as one. If we would be together from then until forever, our recollection of the evening would be entwined. Each of us would eventually have our own perspective and the perspective of the other equally.

Back on the porch, we would laugh a little and then thank each other for a wonderful evening. We would hold each other and kiss – on the lips... for a while. We would meet her parents and mine inside and we would all talk over coffee for a half of an hour or so and then her parents would leave and take with them, the person that I have even more priceless memories... and roots with.

I fantasize about many life experiences, because my real experiences are brief and shallow; speaking with some women while shopping for cosmetics, or with someone who turns to me to ask a question or make a comment while in line at the cash register. I need to have the opportunity to interact with others in a leisurely fashion in order to express my personality more fully and to feel the reflection of my persona from them."

As another example of how interaction over the Internet through SN inspired me to crystallize my own feelings into words, I learned something of myself on October 2nd, 2010 as I wrote a response to a story about femininity,

"... I too, understand what it means to be feminine, but I would struggle to explain our general affinity to the "...silly, frilly, delicate things". The fact is that the sight, feel, and even the thought of many of those things make me smile or just feel joyful inside. I suppose that they must be to the female soul, what the collection of notes interpreted as music, or things that we recognize as beautiful, are to all of us. We just don't understand why or how they can affect us to our core.

I have witnessed the change of women's fashion over the years. There are fewer dresses worn, and business suits and jeans (women's version of 'guy clothes') have taken their place. Generally, it seems that fewer women spend as much time on themselves (hair, nails, makeup, etc.) as they once did. After all, each of our lives has entered the fast-lane. I suppose the attraction and appeal for feminine things may ebb and flow over the decades, still the appreciation for feminine things will never disappear. What a horrible thought... that it might.

I hope that you and I and others will always appreciate the joy in taking time for ourselves to be feminine, and to immerse our senses in those feminine things around us. We drink it up, we wear it, and it becomes a part of us. Other women and men can still appreciate femininity without taking part in becoming feminine. So, I agree with you, if we were to lose our feminine ways, we would all miss something important; a character trait that describes a part of who we are, and something that is magical about people."

Those observations were to become important stimuli for a story with broader context. But that would happen later. There was a new distraction that was closer to home...
CHAPTER 7 – FALLING IN LOVE

Sometime in August, one of my friends from SN had captivated my attention more than the others. Her name is SJ. You have already read some of my earlier letters to her. She and I seemed to be so close in spirit, and I admired her deeply for the love and caring that she demonstrated in helping those around her who, like she and I, were mistaken at birth.

'To everything, there is a season'. The time for romantic love to shine on me had ended almost three years ago. There would never be another time for me to feel its warmth and grace. I had already accepted that. I was not prepared for what was about to happen to me.

SJ wrote a short story about how she and I found each other and how our feelings had matured and evolved for each other, to which I anonymously responded on October 14th, 2010,

"...I am so happy to hear that you have found something; no, someone so special as to stir such wonderful and vivid emotions from within you! To find someone who is your 'soul mate' is the youthful dream that everyone shares. Those who actualize this dream must be few, for they certainly reap life's richest harvest. I can think of no one who is more deserving of the best that life can offer than you, dear sister. Congratulations to you, and to us! I know how special, what you have, is. I too, have been so blessed."

I wrote a story of my own about how overwhelmed I felt that another could be falling in love with me in a short story on October 16th, 2010, called,

LOVE, A PARADOX

"I don't know why, but I have never shared this about myself with anyone before. I remember, when I was very young (thinking four to five-years-old), as I was awake and doing something quite ordinary when my thoughts were abruptly interrupted by something like the subtle snap of fingers in my mind. Suddenly, I perceived a huge sphere directly above me, transparent, silent, and weightless. I was in awe of it. I could not begin to grasp it in my arms, yet that was my immediate impulse; to reach above me, like Atlas, and to hold onto it. The surface seemed almost fluid, like a seamless, undulating cellophane hot-air balloon; say ten times my body's length in diameter. The feeling it gave to me was similar to a mix of euphoria and vertigo. The event lasted for a few moments, maybe three to five seconds. Afterward, the feeling lingered for many minutes, and I felt different about myself, like I had grown somehow. I remember thinking at the time that I must always remember the wonderful feeling that it provoked in me.

Over the following ten or so years, there were perhaps three to five similar experiences. Some happened while I was lying down and ready for sleep. Each event left me feeling peaceful, grounded, and richer for having it. Perhaps they were mild episodes of seizure activity... I will never know, but they left me feeling as though I had discovered something about myself; a connection with the Creator, a growth spurt in my mind, an awareness of my own spirit... but I didn't know which, or if it might be some combination of two or more of them. In quiet moments, long ago, I could recall that awesome feeling of something very close to me that is overwhelming, but not frightening.

It has been many years, since those memories have had occasion to rise to the surface of my consciousness.

Something wonderful has happened to me...

I met someone special. I met her in the same way that I had come to know others here on SN, but there was something more between us, at least, that is how I felt. I was moved by things she had written, and her noble interest in bettering the lives of those around her, but even more, I felt close to her, like we shared something spiritual, along with so many of our common interests.

Like gravity, the closer I felt to her, the stronger the feeling. There was no pursuit, no wasted energy, only personal interest which intensified. I became an admirer of her, without my even noticing the change. My feelings deepened. I cared for her, not like I loved her, but she became important to me. Then something magical happened, and I realized that I did love her.

But how could I love someone who I had never met, or even touched her hand or listened to her voice? But, I loved her so dearly! Reading her words and writing back to her gave me such peace. I could feel her in the same room with me. Passion quickened my heart and warmth overtook me as I thought about her... not sexual arousal, but of the interaction of caring, loving, kindred spirits.

Finally, I am back to where I began. Remember the huge sphere directly above me, transparent and weightless? Well, when I discovered that my special friend felt equally about me as I did for her, I felt overwhelmed, just as I had felt about the sphere as a child, similar to euphoria and vertigo, with a feeling of unpreparedness for spice.

When I say, 'overwhelmed', I am not overstating. I have always had the capacity to love others, but I wasn't ready to feel loved. At first, I thought that I needed to reconcile my mind and my heart. But that was not it. I needed to adjust to feeling that someone can see me as more than damaged goods, that I am a good person who deserves to feel loved again.

To help you to understand, I think that it would be on par to adjusting your life to some devastating news, then being told that the news was simply a mistake (e.g. There was a problem with the X-ray film. You are disease free and previous forecasts regarding your longevity should be disregarded). I needed to process and re-orient my heart. I could not sleep. But I did not waste time.

... And how should I feel about my partner, Annie?

We had our tenth wedding anniversary two days ago. There was no way for me to know how my partner would react to news that my special friend and I were in love... yet I had to tell her. Annie recognized her name right away last night as I told her. I wasn't entirely surprised that the expression on her face hadn't even changed. She was alright about this. I waited for the other 'shoe to drop', but it never did. Today, she came in while I was writing. I told her to look at a comment I made to a distressed woman whose marriage was ending. In it, I had written about my new love,

"...Second, I had reconciled almost three years ago, that the days of feeling loved were to only be cherished memories. The cost of being true to myself caused me to lose the love of nearly everyone who I have cared about. I would never pursue love; rather, I would live in a partnership devoid of human contact of any sort. I had become accustomed to emotional starvation...I no longer knew that I was starving.

Then, through some rip in the fabric of space-time, or intervention of angels, I have experienced love from the most unexpected of places. I am experiencing something now that I hope will be yours, when you are ready, an unconditional love that binds two spirits to make each stronger and magnifies life for both. I feel truly blessed."

Annie knew that I was referring to my special friend in what I had written, and she accepted it in stride.

My partner is a very good friend..."

Five days later, I would write a story about how I feel about Annie.
CHAPTER 8 – SOCIAL RESPONSIBILITIES

My struggle to reconcile my personal feelings about Annie and SJ took a temporary back seat, as I was also growing in feelings of social responsibility to others. I had written one of my first stories about social justice on October 17th, 2010 called,

WHETHER SOCIETY WILL EVOLVE OR DECAY, DEPENDS ON OUR PRACTICE OF SOCIAL EQUALITY

... Transsexualism is not well understood generally, and by virtue of that fact, helps me to make my point about social justice.

Others, who have not walked in our shoes, will argue about who we believe we are. Is it ridiculous for them to make their case? Of course it is. We are who we believe we are. It is axiomatic. Also, it is impossible to prove a negative; try to prove that we are not who we believe we are and your argument will fail. Consider that someone is telling you that you are not who you believe yourself to be – for whatever reason that they can say.

The real tragedy is that even though each of us knows the truth of who we are, many of those who disagree with us believe that we should be who they think we are, and pattern our lives according to their stereotype. Their short-sighted and narrow-minded intolerance for diversity victimizes most of us. As a group, we tend to live lesser lives; being swept into dark corners, or gathering at the edge of society, and living in fear of violence – the wicked son of intolerance. The fact that most of us are impacted by another group's disposition towards us is an abomination to justice. It would be so, for even one of us to be discriminated against.

Intolerance by some makes everyone less secure, and weakens society generally. If it is justifiable for a single group within society to become estranged, or to have their rights diminished by another simply because a larger group wields more power, or that another group (regardless of size) has disproportionate influence (say through intimidation, control of financial, or other resources... or worse), then beware if you are a minority group, described as such by any metric.

I remember hearing something on the order of; 'The health of any society can be gauged by how the least among them is treated by their own'. That seems a reasonable yardstick for societies (and for families too). As society evolves or decays, there can be only two eventual outcomes: Either, we will take pride in living peacefully with the understanding that each of us has equal value (regardless of circumstances), or some of us who think that they are better than the rest of us (however they define 'better') will eventually justify a 'final solution' to permanently divide or exterminate the rest of us.

To those who identify with any peaceful group that is victimized in any way, you should understand with absolute certainty, that you deserve to live your life openly and honestly as anyone does, without exceptional interference (custom or law) and with equal protection. You deserve your self-esteem, even while others may make you feel that you do not.

Assuming that we as a society will choose wisely, all of us must treat everyone with the love, compassion, dignity, and respect that we would hope for, if we were to find ourselves in their circumstances. In addition, each of us needs to point out the error when anyone violates those elements of fundamental decency towards others. Further, we must find creative ways to pass our values on to succeeding generations in order to preserve our evolutionary gains."

In addition, I had written to a friend, "... It is not fair that the majority in our society feel that it is alright to treat some of us in a way that makes us feel that we need to retreat to some darkened corner, or to feel ashamed of ourselves just for being. I cannot imagine myself making them feel uncomfortable about being who they are."

With that out of my system, I could once again reflect on 'a good friend indeed'. On October 21st, 2010, I wrote this tribute to Annie,

I HONOR MY PARTNER, ANNIE

Not long ago, someone very special to me shared something highly personal here on SN. I responded, but when I tried to send what I had written, my Internet connection failed. I tried feverishly to fix the connection, but nothing I tried would work. The next step would be to shut down and restart the router.

Unfortunately, it was very early in the morning, and the router was in my partner's bedroom. I sometimes call her by her nickname, Annie. I didn't dare wake her, but every moment that ticked by, all I could think about was my friend: Was she wondering if I no longer cared or if I had lost interest in her, because of what she had shared? I let Annie sleep for a while longer, and then I woke her before her alarm went off.

I had been crying, and she asked me what was wrong. I told her what was going on, and that I felt desperate to send a note to reassure my friend. This is what she did for me: She went right to work helping me to solve the problem. She reset the router, and checked all of the settings on my laptop, but the problem persisted. By then, time had run out for me, and I had to go to work. She reassured me that she would continue working on the problem until she had to go to work, later that day.

Every minute at work was anguishing for me. If only I could put a crank on the clock!

When I finally arrived at home, I started back at it. I have an internal wireless connection to the router, yet the error while trying to connect said that I needed to plug in my cable. I started reading the manual. There was a switch for the wireless feature that I had forgotten about. An amber color meant it was off, and green meant that it was on. The color never moved from amber when I toggled the switch.

When Annie came back from work that evening, she apologized for not being able to fix my problem before she had to go to work. Then, she called her son to see if he would help. He lives two and one-half hours from us, but uses an older laptop here when he comes to visit. He agreed that I have a hardware issue, after Annie discovered that she could see the Internet with his wireless modem. Annie asked him if I could use the laptop that he uses here, and he graciously let me use it.

Finally, I was able to send my note. I no longer had the sense of panic, just hopefulness that my friend hadn't been hurt from the lack of a more timely response, and that she would understand.

The reason that I am writing this is that I would like everyone to know how much I appreciate Annie. Let me tell you a little bit about her, and us.

Ten years ago, Annie moved from where her son now lives to be married to the love of her life; me. She left a good job as well as friends and family to be with me. Annie had taken advantage of an opportunity to transfer her position here within the same company. Two months later, we were married. It was a romantic, whirlwind affair, and nothing could keep us apart. Life had seemed to come together for us like an exquisite work of art. We had the wind at our backs... for a little while.

Within the first month after we were married, I developed chronic and excruciatingly painful headaches. Nothing seemed to help. Some days I was unable to move from where I lay, and I had no energy. I happen to be a cancer survivor, and specialists suspected a brain tumor. Understandably, Annie was crushed. How could life be so unfair? But she stood by me. It took a while before I was diagnosed with the most virulent strain of mononucleosis (mono). Imagine Annie's anguish as she left for work each day, wondering if I would be alright while she was gone.

By Christmas, just two months after we were married, the entire department at my job (sixty people) was terminated. I loved my job, but mostly, I loved my very good friends there. It was the second time in three years that my information technologies (IT) job was terminated due to corporate downsizing.

'Not to worry', I would reassure Annie. I was well-educated with lots of valuable experience and achievements. My resume looked great. I would have another job within two weeks... just like the last time.

For the next six months, and while still dealing with the symptoms of mono over the entire period, my job was looking for work. This was difficult for me. I was proud to be thought of as a 'hard worker' (what is up with those Midwest values, anyway?) and to have worked through my education to pay for it.

'What I did' until then was a big part of 'who I was'. Annie taught me to make that separation and she kept me grounded. Grounded; that certainly is a word that distinguishes Annie. Psychologically, I was still struggling because I hated that I was not an equal partner in our new partnership.

I was 46-years-old then. Six months was too long to wait. Imagine, I had to give up looking for jobs where math, science, and IT were useful tools.

For the next seven years, short-term secure jobs were interspersed with temporary jobs and periods of unemployment. I had never matched my prior earnings, or job satisfaction, but Annie never made me feel any less a person for what I would have seen as my failures, had I been without her.

Annie and I were struggling through the difficult times, but our relationship was not a struggle. We did everything together, because we enjoyed being together.

Looking back, we can both see signs that, at the time were dismissed for whatever reason; but suddenly, about two and one-half years ago, it became abundantly clear that Annie's husband was Natalae, in disguise. There was no deception. I had told Annie just as soon as I knew it myself. I didn't know if she would simply bolt when I told her, but there is no choice when it comes to honesty. She understood that I knew the risk of telling her, and I think that she found respect for me in spite of her shock. Still, Annie had already suffered enough from concerns about my health and employment instability. She didn't sign up for this too!

Would she stay, or would she go? Stay. Go. Stay. Go. That was the emotional rollercoaster that we rode for two years. Week-to-week, neither of us knew.

During that time, Annie had witnessed the (wonderful to me, but painful to her) metamorphosis of her husband into her girlfriend. My family had disowned me. Annie, however, is still with me, even while being prodded by my family to leave me.

Understand that Annie is no longer 'in love' with me. She hasn't been in love with me since she recognized me as a woman, long ago. Also, Annie is not without her wounds and scars. She smiles less often. She tells me that she has hardened; she has, but I always point out to her that she is also very compassionate for others. She would not even notice if I didn't mention it to her.

She takes all of the phone calls at home, and each one can last for hours. Her son and her brother are especially dependent on her for encouragement, understanding, sympathy, and kudos. Still, she will never love another. She has said that no one would be able to handle the "baggage" that she has, and that she will always carry, from her husband who is gone. She will never let anyone so close to her heart again.

She recognizes that she would recommend therapy to anyone else who expressed those symptoms. She has seen therapists, but they only recommend her to leave. They don't seem to understand that we both benefit from mutual support and by pooling our resources. I once argued that she could seek help while stipulating that separation is not an option. For now, she is comfortable where she is emotionally (how comfortable is difficult to say).

We don't' do very much together in public. Wherever we go, we are often addressed as 'ladies', even though I have to wear a man's' costume in order to minimize her fear being thought of as a lesbian by strangers. We take no photos of each other anymore. We don't have any mutual friends. For now, we make the best of our solitary lives at home. I enjoy her company. She is very thoughtful, respectful, and intelligent. Our views of culture, politics, and religion are mostly shared. She likes me. She knows that I will always love and respect her. We both know that we can depend on each other to be supportive and honest...at all times.

That is why I told her that I was in love with someone, here on SN, and that she loves me too. It was only days after our tenth wedding anniversary (no celebration), when I told her; but it couldn't wait, honesty is time-sensitive.

It was just days after I had told her about my special friend, when I was in a panic. I needed help in order to send a message to my special friend, the woman I love – but my wireless connection to the Internet had failed...

I am sure that you can understand why I honor my partner, Annie, for her compassion and encouragement, her devotion and true friendship. No one has ever been so selfless on my behalf, or stood by me when others scattered. You might have to be in my shoes, in order to understand how much that means to me.

Annie understands how much my special friend and I mean to each other. She is happy for both of us to have found love and comfort in each other. Isn't that rather magnanimous for someone who considers herself 'hardened'?

Annie is a wonderful person, and will always be, my true friend.

Annie, thank you!"

Although at first I had wondered about and doubted how I felt, I gave into my feelings because I knew that love isn't about logic. We shouldn't even try to make sense of it. Love is not about the five senses, at all. Still we know when it is real... or do we?

SJ was a gifted, generous, thoughtful, and caring person. She started a website support group for transsexual women with her own collection of files and helpful information; and she did it all at her own expense (which she could ill afford) in order to help those of us who, like me, were desperate for kindness and a helpful hand. I became a charter member of her support group. In my first letter to her there on October 22nd, 2010 I expressed concern for the privacy rules, but I added,

"All that being said (and all I left out for the imagination of consumers and attorneys), I believe so much in the spirit of this endeavor, that I will sign up, even knowing that there is some risk that speaking freely here could cause personal hardship or pain. I feel that we have to stand together to make a difference in each of our lives, or we will always be on the edge of our seats, and at the edge of society.

Second, on a 20/20 News magazine [television show] tonight, I saw a story of a married transsexual woman in Texas. She is in a custody dispute with her husband's ex-wife, following the untimely death of her (firefighter) husband. Will she inherit the $1,000,000 estate? Not likely. The state of Texas recognizes gender at birth, thus will not recognize their marriage, even though her husband knew that she was transsexual, and she had SRS [sexual reassignment surgery] while they were married. Imagine if she or any transsexual person were to go to prison there, for any reason. She would be in the company of an all-male population. What other nightmare scenarios exist for others...like us?

It is fear-driven policy; pervasive in society, and fueled by ignorance and intolerance, that so frightens me. It seems easy for most of us, to look away, while some of us have our rights, and more taken away.

Where is the perceived threat? What is it that makes people say, when they see a story like that on 20/20, "Life isn't fair, she needs to suck it up and deal with it!" That is what my partner said! What would have to happen for them to have the same reaction as I had, 'This is abhorrent! We cannot let that stand!'

A meeting of the minds requires the ability to understand each other's belief system, to walk in their shoes. I would like to think that I am pretty good at that, usually. But I fail miserably at trying to understand how or why others can feel so heartless towards people like us. Why can't they recognize that we are people with equal value to them, and deserving of equal responsibilities, privileges and protections?

Sorry, I am waxing politically. I get that way when I see social injustice. What I really want to express is that when I needed friends, I found them on SN. I feel a real sense of unity, community, and Sisterhood where I was just lonely before. I hope that here we can all shelter one another with love for one another.' Indeed SJ introduced me to the 'Sisterhood', which I had aspired to become a part of, since early in 2008. I immediately started feeling more confident of myself and was finding my place within the community of women, partly due to the encouragement that I felt from her and from other new friends that I found there.

I had gained a new perspective on many things; or was it simply that I was finding perspective for the first time as myself, unencumbered by the here-to-for unseen social influence of my former life? In either case, I was growing past the pain of feeling personally distanced by others to feeling a part of those who are generally thought of as less than equal.
CHAPTER 9 – ACCEPTANCE

I was feeling a sense of conviction and purpose from the strength that was returning to me. On October 31st, 2010, I wrote this story about my embrace and endorsement of Sisterhood,

OUR LEGACY

I grew up during a time of social upheaval and watched different groups among us struggle for 'equality'. I believe that when most of us hear that word, they think it means equal access to schools, employment, social privileges (such as marriage and access to healthcare), and protections under law.

If there is a place on earth where those measures of equality should find their way to every individual without hesitation, it should be where justice and liberty are inseparable from national pride and identity. It should be right here, in my country; the USA.

I have seen enormous progress for minority groups over the decades, however decades is much too long, and the struggles continue. I feel as though we embarrass ourselves to our founders and to the rest of the world for the fact that we are so slow to recognize the need for all of us to have equal rights or those rights will erode, and that we can witness and recognize social injustice, but conclude that it is reasonable to rectify the situation at a glacial pace, if at all.

A fundamental flaw in democracy is that minority groups can, and are discriminated against by the power-wielding majority. The more 'different' or out of the mainstream someone is perceived to be, the less likely their interests will be considered in social or political debate, and the longer the time for meaningful social reform.

Ours is a very tiny, misunderstood minority, indeed. Some fear us. Some despise us. Many feel that we are certainly not their equal, and that we deserve any and all hardships that befall us. The dawdling pace for social reform for us is too difficult to measure.

All of that said, there is another dimension to 'equality' that is of equal importance – acceptance. It is through acceptance that one feels the restoration of dignity about him or herself. Social acceptance of each of us will follow the achievement of equal access and social privileges and protections; since those measures of equality will most likely be delivered through the legal system. Acceptance will come through interaction with others who view us as the wonderful and beautiful human beings that we are, instead of the label that defines a specific difference between us.

I was not accepted when my family learned that I am a woman. They believed that I chose a lifestyle that was designed to embarrass them. Rather than have compassion for someone whose body had confused her identity from birth, they exiled me. They could not entertain the idea that there is a woman here, who has always been here, whose spirit they had not seen.

It follows that they, as well as many others in our society, could not understand my wholehearted embrace of, and immersion into our Sisterhood...

I am proud to belong to our Sisterhood. It is here among my sisters that I feel accepted for the person that I am, and so it is here that my dignity is restored. It is also here, where I am grateful to accept responsibility to give help, love and support to all of my sisters.

Let it be our legacy that even after that fine day, when the rest of society embraces us as equal in all ways to them, that our common love and compassion for one another, Sisterhood, which has always sustained us, remains."

I was surprised at myself that I could write that last story with such ease from start to finish. I recognized a growing passion within me to speak out about my feelings and that helped me to feel even stronger.

I found myself feeling more independent, yet in uncharted waters with a budding intimate relationship with someone, being more vocal about issues for which I feel passionate, and still feeling loyal and caring about Annie.

Annie and I may not have had much that others could witness still holding us together, but I wrote this account to a new-found friend on November 19th, 2010,

"My partner, Annie, is invited to all of my former family traditional get-togethers, while I have been formally disinvited to any. My former family is the only real family that Annie has. Yet, she has chosen to exclude herself from Thanksgiving to stay with me this year.

I think that this is interesting: Annie made a mistake at work; not uncommon, mistakes are made by everyone. However, there have been growing differences between the personalities at her workplace, which made this particular mistake noticed and reported to upper management.

Quite suddenly, Annie found herself in the office of the store manager, human resources manager, and her own manager. Allegations were raised by them and were met with her explanations. Management responded with a sarcastic, 'You seem to have an answer for everything, don't you?'...

When she came home and told me about what had happened, I was of course, supportive of her. She remarked that I made it clear to her how she should have been supportive of me to my former family when she had the opportunity to be so. She was very grateful that I stood by her. What is interesting is that she declined the invitation for Thanksgiving, the first time in ten years, even before this episode at her work."

Eventually, we had found a measure of stability and recommitted to each other. There was no passionate or romantic love; rather, there was like, respect, and friendship. I had feelings for Annie that she could not accept or appreciate. Annie was less apt to smile, or to engage new friendships. On the other hand, she knew that I would always be her most ardent supporter, and that no one would ever know her as well, or appreciate her as much as I did.

Annie has paid a cost for being with me. She said that dealing with what has happened to her husband is similar to dealing with grief over the loss of a loved one. I think that makes sense. The grieving process can take years under the best of circumstances; so it must be even more difficult when dealing daily with someone who still reminds her by way of shared memories or legacy habits and behaviors, of the person who has been lost.

I used to apologize to Annie almost daily for making her feel sad for the loss of her husband. She eventually made the distinction between me and my former self. One day, she said that if he were here, that she would give him a swift kick (or something to that effect). Then she looked at me and she smiled.

It was the magical moments like that one which will last forever in my memory, and which made me realize how very lucky I was to know her and to be with her.

Thanksgiving is a time to reflect on the things for which we are grateful. The story that I wrote on November 24th, 2010 for the occasion is called, "Sometimes Love Makes Perfect Sense"... but I certainly thought, 'Not this time'.

SOMETIMES LOVE MAKES PERFECT SENSE

I am in love with someone. About two weeks ago, I responded to her, that when I am 'with her', she makes me feel like I am seventeen. It is true, even though I know her only via electronic media. We live hundreds of miles apart, and I will soon be bridging that gap to be with her for the very first time.

Since the first day that I became aware of her, I have admired her and have been inspired by her. In particular, the love and compassion that she has for others in her beautiful heart is matched by her enthusiasm and energy to make this world better for each life that she touches. She has a beautiful name to match her inner and outer beauty. I call her by her equally beautiful nickname, SJ.

I had known that I loved SJ around October 14th of this year (2010), but that date is memorable for two reasons: First it is the date when she wrote about me as a 'blessing' to her. Second, it happened to be the tenth wedding anniversary for my partner, Annie and me.

Two days later, I told Annie that I am in love with SJ. SJ knows that Annie no longer loves me, that I am Annie's friend. Even as Annie's friend, I have been trying unsuccessfully for her and me to find ways to share memories, and even pictures together for more than two years. Annie also knows that I still love her and she asked me how I can be in love with SJ and still love her too. It was a question that I had answered myself long before. I told her that love for another with no love in return is like trying to speak to someone who simply refuses to hear you. Love given and not responded to simply falls, like dust, to the ground. Even though it is unanswered and ignored, I cannot choose how I feel and simply not give it at all. There is a difference between loving someone for who they are, and being in love with someone. In contrast, the love that I feel for SJ is matched and reflected back to me. It is effortless, sustaining, reinforcing, natural, binding, and beautiful.

Being in love is blissful; however, it is also painful. The physical distance between SJ and me is anguishing. There is something like gravity that is a component of romantic love. The desire to be together seems magnified by the distance, time, and difficulty in overcoming obstacles to being together. I suppose that many long-distance relationships fail because the long-term pain of separation with great desire is greater than the intermittent joy of being together.

Even as I write this, and before I have been in SJ's physical presence, I have a profound sense of loyalty and commitment to her, which I also feel from her. Therefore, I can say with conviction, that no other could ever unravel the beautiful tapestry that has been created by the love between us. Also, no pain from separation will ever be greater than my patience to be with her. I need to be with her, but I will wait forever for her if that is what I must do.

That Annie understands how I feel and encourages me to explore my relationship with SJ is an act of love, even while she has not deemed it so, nor will she claim it as such. She has spoken about the fact that I may find a different life with SJ that I need to pursue. In that case, she said that she would step aside for me. But she also knows that I feel commitment to her too.

Today is Thanksgiving. Annie is with me instead of with my family, as she might be. She is showing support for me in protest of how my own family disowned me for being born 'girl-in-a-boy'.

But her support is not full-fledged. My name is Natalae; however Annie will not call me by my not-yet-legal name. And while her son visits tonight until Sunday, I will be alone in my room most of the time. She will not let him know me by other than my former male self, which of course prohibits him from knowing me at all. He is at the not-so tender age of thirty-eight, so he will never be ready to engage me, even though he is aware that I am a woman.

Out of respect for Annie, I disappear while the two of them do things together. Neither seems to care how diminished I feel, that I have to hide away from them, even while in my own home.

Annie will say that is a small price for me to pay. She likes me, but she pays a price every day by just being in my company. After all, she is a heterosexual female and would prefer not to live with another female. Still, it would be no small loss to her, if I were no longer here.

When I finally meet with SJ, ten days from today, I will be free and clear of all encumbrances to being someone else for the sake of those around me. I will be myself and I will be loved and respected under no pretenses.

How will that make me feel to have unbounded freedom to be myself and to be with the twin-flame of my heart? Life will certainly tell, and my anticipation is, that my strength and the depths of my emotions are about to be tested. SJ may feel the same way too.

SJ and I are no longer young. We will be fortunate to have very much time together. It is comforting for me that in the context of forever, the first fifty-six years diminishes to zero.

Today is the day for remembering those things that we are grateful for. For me, among many other things, I am grateful for SJ, for Annie, and for feeling ready for whatever paths that life reveals.

I just pray that SJ and I will find a way to always be together one fine day."

On December 5th, 2010 I drove five-hundred miles to meet SJ for the first time. I had agreed to call her when I was one-hundred miles away, but she didn't answer when I called and so I left a message. I found her apartment by 3:00 o'clock p.m. but she didn't seem prepared to meet me. She must have doubted that I would fulfill my promise to come.

She hadn't dressed or prepared herself as she wanted before I arrived. It was a rather lack-luster and awkward reception. As it turned out, the phone that I dialed was for someone else's answering machine. I had dialed a wrong phone number! Perhaps it was fate that SJ should appear to me as she had on the telephone and through email – unpretentious. She had little to offer for food, but the priority was simply to become acquainted socially after we had 'fallen in love' via media.

When the time had come to go to bed, I told her that I was not ready to sleep with her. We made up the bed together where I would sleep and she slept on her couch. I felt that I had let her down, but I was not ready. She understood and showed nothing but the highest respect for me.

The next day, we started a conversation in which we discussed how I felt about Annie. I had planned to stay longer and I had only been there less than twenty-four hours when I decided that I needed to come home... to Annie.

I wrote this to a friend on December 13th, 2010 about Annie and how she felt about me,

"Dear Bella,

... Annie is fine, thank you for asking. Yesterday, while she was cooped up with me due to the weather, she said two things that mean so much to me, "If I have to be stuck inside with someone, I can think of no one else that I would rather be with, other than you". It makes me cry, even to write her words. You may know that I love her and I am committed to her, but that she sees me as an uninvited roommate, the woman who replaced her husband. The other thing that she told me was, "If something were ever to happen to you, I wouldn't just let you sit." We had been talking about a dear friend who had a stroke and someone else we know who has terminal cancer.

Just a moment ago, Annie called me to let me know that she arrived at work so I wouldn't worry. She will never be in love with me and I understand that. The fact that she likes me and that she cares about me is the highest form of appreciation that I could ever hope for. You can imagine how grateful I am for that. So, I am having a beautiful day."

On December 19th, 2010 that same friend had written back to me that friends and family who left me could not have appreciated their loss of me from her perspective. I wrote back,

"Dear Bella,

... Thank you for your last sentence, "Anyone that doesn't appreciate your beauty within, all I can say is it's truly their loss!"

Let me just say what it means to me to hear you say that. I think that I am reasonably intelligent, very compassionate, and very kind-hearted. There was a time when I was also very well-respected and liked. Between then and now, the people that I had loved for all of my life had convinced me that I had little or no value whatsoever. What I thought of myself no longer mattered, when the majority opinion was that I was not even worthy to be spoken to. Earlier this year, I felt nearly worthless. The words that you said, and which I quoted, are very supportive and echo others who also have helped me to restore and to validate my feelings about myself.

Where my former family is concerned, it is their loss that they cannot see my inner beauty. Yet, I understand that they thought that they had seen inner beauty in the façade of the person who once stood before them. I can understand why it may not be easy to embrace the new person that emerged, while simultaneously losing someone dear.

Still, the path that they have chosen will not preserve the person that they thought they had known, and it deprives them of the opportunity to know someone special who remains. Also and importantly, there is the lost opportunity and moral responsibility to help someone new to them, and from within their own family, who is in need of their support, perhaps in order to survive, but certainly in order to be healthy and develop in a caring and compassionate environment.

I just need to say thank you, and thanks to my others Sisters for giving me what my family could not, and helping me to both be proud of myself and to be a part of something greater than myself."
CHAPTER 10 – LIFE

On December 21st, 2010 I wrote to a friend born 'girl-in-a-boy' to support her, even though I was still trying to sort life out for myself,

"Kimberly,

Between almost three years ago and today, I have done many more than three years of living. From the moment of truth about who I am, I wondered about the ramifications: I thought I could always depend on my family and my children to be supportive, and I was wrong. I thought my partner was going through too much pain to stay with me, and I was wrong. I thought that I would never know how it felt to be loved again by someone, and I was wrong. I thought that I would have to lead my life as an unknown lonely soul who would never be missed when my time came to pass, and I was wrong. How could I have ever guessed what I might find, when I found you and others here who helped me to grow into the best person I can be? I won't forget my friends and sisters here and I no longer worry about being forgotten.

The truth is that as much as we worry and pray, life will always manage to surprise us. Life also seems to have a way of bringing us together, when we need each other the most.

I am happy to know that you feel the same encouragement and hope here that I did when I needed it, and I did need it.

I feel like we will all be alright, don't you?"

I struggled to be strong for her. There was a little bit more than a little uncertainty in my question.

Life was happening quickly for me. On December 24th, 2010 the way that I felt about Annie and SJ came together in a story that I wrote on SN,

There Is Not Enough of Me

"There is someone, very special to me, who loves me. She has a different name, but I will call her Sacred Journey. She is gifted and giving, thoughtful and caring. I feel safe and at home when I am with her. I love her too, more than anyone apart from her, can know. We walk hand-in-hand spiritually. Her loving soul is a permanent fixture in my heart. She nourishes me. I cherish her.

There is someone else, very special to me, who loved me long ago, when I was a different person. I call her Annie. She is gifted and giving, thoughtful and caring. I feel safe and at home when I am with her. I love her too, more than she knows, or cares to know. Although she does not love me, she stood by me through incredible hardship, while others turned away from me. We are friends and we are family. We are in a committed relationship with one another. I would never abandon her to be alone, even though she would let me go with grace, if I chose to be in the loving relationship that I could have.

Annie and Sacred Journey know of each other, and they know how each relates to me. Each of them respects the other, although they have only met each other through me.

Annie can see the change in me.

I had felt like I was an empty vessel, discarded and forgotten by those who once loved and respected me. I was resigned to live a shadow of a life at the fringe of society, where only Annie would know who I am. To ever love again was an abstraction too far from reality to even be a thought.

Then Sacred Journey slipped into my heart, just as easily, as naturally, and as gracefully as I had slipped into hers. Ever since that time, I have felt so alive. I have recaptured my self-esteem. I know that I matter and that I won't be forgotten.

Annie's life has not changed in the same way. For her to ever love again remains an abstraction for her. It will not happen. She will not let it happen. No one will ever tread upon the sacred remains of the love that she shared with her husband. Annie will not seek the comfort of friends. She has only me. She was celebrated as a 'vital member' of my former family, just as they cut all ties to me. Since then, they have been slow to respond to her email and telephone messages. Annie is feeling 'put off' by them now.

Annie's commitment to me has taken her to the fringe of society where I have been relegated. She is embarrassed by what I am. I cannot be myself when I am with her and her son, or in public with her. She is not a lesbian, and she will not have people thinking that she is, just by knowing that she lives with me.

Annie feels self-contained. Even when she needs me, she doesn't think that she does.

I want to see Annie change back into the happy loving person that her husband knew, but that will not happen... ever. Annie is not interested in psychological counseling, anymore. She has had her fill. It did not help her, and she says that she is content to be who she is now.

I cannot make a commitment to Sacred Journey, although I love her. I am already committed to Annie. Does it seem like something has got to give?

Annie and I have both invited Sacred Journey to live closer to us, in order that we can all be friends and watch out for one another. Sacred Journey knows that she is free to be happy however she can be, and that my feelings for her will never change. I will always respect whatever Sacred Journey decides is best for her own happiness.

How do I feel about myself?

Annie is a wonderful person who deserves the best of what life has to offer. I feel woefully inadequate to be the person that Annie needs in order for her to be as happy as she once was (and that hurts me terribly), even though Annie would choose to be alone, if she were without me.

I am blessed to be loved by Sacred Journey. She deserves the best in life no less than anyone. While she understands that I cannot commit to her, I feel woefully inadequate to make her as happy as she deserves to be. She deserves my all, as she gives to me.

How lucky am I?

I have someone in my life who has 'been there' for me and who I can always rely on. I have two wonderful people in my life, to who I am forever eager to demonstrate my love and support in any situation. I have someone in my life, who loves me as much as I love her. I am very lucky, indeed.

Still, there is not enough of 'me' for what each deserves from me."

Annie and SJ still had not spoken to one another, yet Annie felt very comfortable with SJ, knowing of her only through me. Annie also knew that SJ had a very supportive family and that she might be reluctant to leave them in order to be with us. We would all just 'wait and see'.

All was not well so far as I was concerned living here either. Having had a taste of living free as Natalae for almost a day, and having had support from a growing network of friends on-line, I remember the bitterness that I felt as I wrote this short note on December 24th, 2010, the same day as I had written the story above,

"I saw that your family is with the 'ex' and you are alone. I'll be 'alone' then, with good company.

Hi Bella,

Actually, I would prefer being alone, rather than to be exiled to my room while Annie's son is here. I am such an embarrassment to her that I will be confined to my room most of the time, and have to slip a heavy robe on to cover my woman's attire whenever I am to be seen. When one of them goes somewhere, the other goes with, but I won't be asked to come along. He will be 39-years-old in two months and he knows that I am a woman, but Annie feels that he needs to be protected from knowing me.

I have to smuggle myself out of this prison in that thick robe just in the case he might glance at me, should I venture out for some food. He will be here tonight through Sunday night. It is so degrading to me, that they feel that it is alright to treat me like a second-class citizen... or worse. I am happy to know that I will have good company to write to.

I will be glad to go back to work on Monday.

Hope you have a Merry Christmas,  
Natalae"

I had written to another friend about SJ on December 26th, 2010,

"I don't want to love any less than I can; even though it involves wearing my heart on my sleeve, and trusting people, even while I am aware that few people should be trusted.

Love beyond reason...

I am in love with someone whom I cannot be with, cannot help, and cannot physically care for. Still, I cannot reason that the love that I feel is illogical and simply should cease for emotional protection. The person that we are talking about is very real. She has a heart of pure gold and gives to others beyond her own means. I cannot give her my all, which she so richly deserves.

She read the story I mentioned, and she told me in her call last night, that she is content to have as much from me as I have to offer. She loves me beyond reason, every bit as much as I love her.

Love: It makes me cry, and it makes me cry."

Life was about to become complicated and very painful again.

Adam, the last one in my former family still sitting on the fence concerning accepting or rejecting me, came home for Christmas. He saw me then for the first time undisguised. His visit turned out to be more uncomfortable for each of us than either of us had expected. I wrote this email to him three days later on December 27th, 2010,

"Dear Adam,

I accept your apology.

I really had hoped that my attire and 'family' issues wouldn't be an issue, so much so that I was on edge too, and not as 'present' as I had expected. Even though my concerns never surfaced, I am afraid that it will take more of our precious time before either of us can be as relaxed as we need to be.

Please accept my apology as well.

I am still dealing with some issues too, which make me uncomfortable in 'first time' meetings. I have regained my self-esteem and found people who appreciate me. However, sometimes I still am made to feel as a 'second-class citizen', not by you of course, but by some others, including Annie and Jeremy. Annie's and my relationship of course has been compromised. Our relationship, then, is one of compromise. Only acceptance restores dignity.

As it had happened, you came to visit on the very day that 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' was repealed. When news came up as a topic, and you made the analogy of 'waves on the ocean', you questioned why we should pay attention. I couldn't help myself, but to let you know about DADT. Of course, you couldn't have known, but I have been following that legislation since the last presidential elections. Gays and lesbians will have equal rights and gain social acceptance (dignity) before transgendered folks will.

I have been a proponent for equal rights for everyone who is disenfranchised since 1964, when President Johnson passed the Civil Rights Bill (I was ten years old then). Perhaps by knowing that, you can appreciate the genesis of our (truly) untimely debate.

Knowing that you had an 'edgy' attitude too, helps me to understand how something simple could spiral away from us.

Adam, as you might imagine, Christmas will never be the same for me, and the unhappy memory of 'Christmas Past' also makes me feel a bit off-color. I hope that you understand.

Now that we have had that experience, perhaps we can both learn from it. That is the only thing that the past is good for, after all.

I don't want to lose you, Adam.

I will never forget that you are one of a precious few, who have taken an interest in learning who I am.

One thing I hope you will never forget: Even though I am not the same as you have known me, the love that I feel for you is unconditional, and will never change... "

Just one day later, on December 28th, 2010 I had this to say to SJ about my visit with Adam,

"... First, Adam came here. The night with him could have been smoother. We met him at the Olive Garden (restaurant), where he could hardly speak. His voice was obviously worn from spending so much time catching up with his other family and friends.

When we got back to our apartment, he saw me for the first time without my coat on and in my feminine attire. It was a night of 'firsts' for us both. He was unexpectedly 'edgy', as he put it, because he was unprepared to be with me, even though he had seen pictures of me and he knew how I would be dressed in advance.

I was equally uneasy, just being so hopeful that anything except family or me would be the topics of discussion. What happened is that the conversation became a debate about the importance of passing the repeal of 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell', the policy of the military affecting gay and lesbian service persons. It wasn't ugly, but it wasn't pretty either. It was inappropriate for the short time that we would have together, especially since we haven't been in each other's company in over a year.

Jeremy followed Adam. For three days, I endured the ritual of humiliation in his and Annie's company; having to cover myself in their presence. It is a cross I have to bear. As I told Adam in my last email to him about Annie and I, "...our relationship, of course has been compromised. Our relationship, then, is one of compromise".

Still, it was Christmas, a particularly bad time to have to be made to feel as I did. On top of that, add that it follows 'Christmas past', the nightmarish memory of being stripped bare of my family. Then, there was one more thing. Just as Jeremy left on Sunday night, I thought I would have a few hours of Annie's company, but Adam called. Annie and he spoke on the phone for about ninety minutes... about me.

Of course, I don't discourage anyone from talking to Annie, but under those circumstances, and in the waning hours of the holiday weekend, I endured the final humiliation (or so I thought) of being talked about by two people who 'sort of kind of' accept me as I am.

Unfortunately, that was not all. During their conversation Adam wondered 'why' Annie puts up with me, and said that he 'would sure understand' if Annie wanted to leave me.

Now, I think that is inappropriate for Adam to make such comments in the first place. It is comparable to me saying the same thing to his wife (if he were still married). It just is not right to do so. It wasn't the first time that Annie has been prodded to leave me, but it was the first time that Adam did the prodding.

Annie might have responded in many ways to Adam's statement. She knows that my former therapist thought that Annie's role in my family's relationship with me was counter-productive. Annie has a way of making others feel comfortable about their pain and assessing blame to me, rather than understanding that their pain comes from the fact that I am me, and there was not a choice made to cause them pain.

Annie responded to Adam that if she were younger, she would have more choices, but that she still cares about me, especially because I have no friends and no one else would care for me. In other words, she 'pities' me.

She insisted that she didn't say 'pity', but I feel certain that Adam would have gotten that impression. To me, it felt like yet another humiliation. Annie felt frustrated when I told her that I felt humiliated, and understandably so. It really should be none of my business, whatever conversation she has with anyone, even though she volunteered it to me. At one point she said that maybe she should ask me what to say next time.

I tried to explain how it might make her feel if I had that conversation with her son, Jeremy, had she transitioned to 'Bob'. We were both tired. As we walked away to our separate corners, I told her that if it had been Jeremy saying to me what Adam had said, that I would have responded with, 'Your mother has done nothing wrong, and she deserves all of the love and support that you and I and everyone else can muster'.

That is the night I had written to you about. I was awake most of the night, and then I had a nightmare to boot.

Honestly, I told Annie that when I walked out of my room yesterday morning that I was half expecting her to say that she has had enough and is ready to leave. Had she not apologized, I had thoughts that, perhaps our time had passed. I spent a great deal of time during that sleepless night thinking about leaving myself, in order to preserve the remnants of my own self-respect.

But she did apologize, and I did too.

I left for work before she had to go. She called Adam, told him about the talk that we had the previous night and suggested to him that he apologize to me as she had. I checked my email when I got back from work. I was surprised by Adam's email, and began to write back...

Annie came home as I finished the last few words. I asked her to review it to make sure it would be accepted as I intended it to be, because of previous misunderstandings between us. She approved it and I sent it. That is when she told me that she had called upon him to apologize.

We have had a sense of normalcy here ever since. In other words, I have regained the inferior self-respect that I had.

In the end, I am so frustrated that others cannot or will not treat me with the same respect that I would show them under equal, but reversed circumstances. Yet, Annie would be alone without me in her life. Since I am not free of the 'closet' entirely; neither is she. She needs me to be in the 'closet' whenever she is with me in the company of her son, or in public. I embarrass her, therefore, she disgraces me. At the same time, the happy life she had was turned upside down by what happened to her husband, and she stood by me, Natalae, even as the heat was turned to 'high'.

SJ, I am writing all of this to help you to understand how polarized my feelings are. Even as a relationship based upon compromise, for what she has done, and for what she has been put through, how could I ever leave Annie? On the other hand, how can I stand not to be with you – where love is – especially when I know about, and I feel your pain and loneliness to be without me too?

I end where I start.

I feel that there is not enough of 'me' for what you and Annie deserve. At least, Annie deserves my loyalty. Neither of us knows if we will make it on loyalty alone though.

Annie tells me that I can never make her happy, whenever it wells up in me to say that I wish I could. At the same time, I know that she needs me, even when she thinks that she doesn't.

What breaks my heart is that I cannot seem to make anyone happy when it is all I would wish for, that everyone should be so (don't think I haven't already asked the question, 'why can't we all just live together?')...

Natalae"

SJ was living in an apartment on her own. She was free and clear of any personal intimate relationships as was Annie. She also had the benefit of flesh-and-blood family and friends who supported her, and who would support the two of us together there. Even as the feelings of love and commitment to two different people were polarizing for me, so were the opportunities to live free from the closet at the edge of society, but at the cost to be five-hundred miles from Annie.

The idea of sexual attraction or desire was not important, but companionship, loyalty, and responsibility were. Annie understood that SJ might not wish to sever all of her ties there in order to move closer to us, even with the added benefit to her of being close to a renowned medical facility, which could help her. The prospect that Annie and I could end up living five-hundred miles apart from each other worried us both.

My body continued to change and evolve under the influence of prescribed feminizing hormones regardless of what emotional events were keeping me awake at nights. Importantly, so had my sense of sexuality been evolving, even since September 25th, 2010 when I had written the story, "Looking at Men".

On January 2nd, 2011 and in answer to a friend's questions about having sex with her boyfriend I wrote,

"Dear Bella,

... Personally, I believe that sex is over-rated. I would consider whether someone was compatible with me before having sex, simply because sex would cheapen a relationship with someone that I didn't already respect. Does that make sense?

Put another way, you should engage the other's personality and let a sexual relationship progress only after you have become comfortable with the idea of sharing your body with him. Some people will grow bored quickly after their sexual fantasy with you has become reality. If you are unable to have a stimulating conversation with that person, there is the danger that either of you would simply objectify the other. You could both feel 'cheapened' for the experience.

That is honestly how I feel; however, having said that, I have to admit that I married the first girl that I dated. Also, consider my own circumstance before taking any advice from me.

I will never have sex again. I knew when I became true to myself that having surgery would make it so unlikely as to be virtually impossible to have sexual intimacy. That fact together with all others could not outweigh my need to bring mind and body into congruence. I am a lesbian woman, partnered with a heterosexual woman. If our relationship would fail, for any reason, I would not pursue a relationship where I would at some point need to say that I have not always physically been a woman. I just couldn't take the chance that the news could break someone's heart. The news surrounding me has hurt too many people in my wake, and it has to stop.

I have a good intellectual relationship with Annie, and there is someone else who loves me, while Annie cannot. The other woman in my life knows about my physical transformation, and Annie and she also know each other through me. If I am anything, I am honest with people.

Life is complicated! I am trying not to hurt anyone and trying to be happy too. I am in love; I want to be loved, and to love. My current circumstance serves as a good example how love can potentially make one feel out of control, or at least stretched to within some breaking point.

It wasn't long ago, when you gave me advice to seek the relationship with love. That is what I want. I just don't know if I could live with that decision, as it could short-change Annie. It could mean that I move far away and I don't know that Annie would fare alone as well as she seems to think.

I will always try to help you when you ask. I just want you to understand where I am coming from, so you can judge for yourself, how much weight to place on my advice in this case...

Natalae"

Six days later on January 8th, 2011 I followed my letter up with a poem that I had written for her,

"I am an immature poet, but I am your friend. I wrote this for you, Bella:

'I cannot be happy and live with regret.

The morning sun is life's button to reset.

Remember the love, the smiles, and his or her touch.

Don't dwell on the aches, the fears, the tears and such.

The events in our lives help us to be wise,

They teach us and others, so mistakes aren't made twice.

Better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved, 'tis true.

I couldn't endure the pain of love's loss without help and support from friends and Sisters; like you.

So share yourself completely; be honest, caring, and true.

Others, like me will find you, and be here for you.

Love fuels our soul, is alive and it grows.

Give more than you take, for even more will come back...I just know.'"

My life was so uncertain at the time that it is remarkable to me how there were moments so elucidating that I could help and encourage others and myself. The poem I had written had a glaring flaw which I would learn from and correct later, but I was barely hanging on to life at the time.

On January 13th, 2011 I had written to a friend,

"To quote you earlier, "It's amazing how things sometimes come to us when we need them." I had just written: "Natalae feels ashamed of herself for making no one happy, and wonders how her life could be so far from her potential".

If I could feel selfish, I would know exactly what I need to do to be healthy... I am in an emotional place where stasis is unacceptable, and I will soon drown if I cannot change my world. Yet I have commitments to another, Annie, which may inhibit change altogether, or slow it to make the change no longer useful. Life is short and it is complex...and so painful when we cannot live to the potential that we have, to fit in and to help others to find happiness."

The word drown was a metaphor for suicide. I felt as though I were in quicksand, unable to move at all and torn by polarizing needs to be the right person for the two most important people in my life. I felt desperate to make them happy, or at least to make their lives better from their perspective. Yet, I tried to remain hopeful. That same day on January 13th, 2011 I wrote,

"One of my favorite activities is just to walk, look, and listen. There is beauty everywhere... If only everyone could see the 'beauty' in everyone else. Sometimes, I sense when others see me as 'flawed'. I know that I am not 'flawed', but that I am just not 'so' as they would wish. To them, I just do not 'fit in', and I do not deserve the company of the same society that they belong to.

There are others who think I am beautiful just as I am. They welcome me, embrace me, and engage me. I feel dignity with them. Perhaps if this story were taught to our children and to succeeding generations of children, they might all know how dignity feels someday."

A real life example of how someone was affected by being disrespected by others magnified the intensity about my feelings for social injustice. On January 20th, 2011 I read a story which prompted me to respond,

"Being made to feel disrespected for who we are, our character traits or our life circumstances is a crime. I could tell a different story, but I would only do so to show that I understand how it has made me feel to be disrespected by others. Sometimes it can change how we feel about ourselves. Some of us become self-conscious because of it and will not speak to others about it, because it makes us feel weak to do so. In any case, something within us has been changed or taken away by someone else, and there is no proven remedy to heal, but only the hope that one has the friends who empathize... and that time without further injury can help.

You didn't deserve to be made to feel disrespected by any degree. I am sorry that it happened to you, and I am sorry for those who lack what it takes to understand how their actions affect others, or their willful indifference to the pain of others."

Not surprisingly, having to demonstrate a forceful attitude in order to help someone else actually helped me to become stronger myself. It can be difficult to assess your own circumstances without looking from an objective perspective. Indeed, I would have had a very difficult time dealing with how rejected I felt, had I not had other friends to confide in, have compassion for, and try to help.

SN gave that opportunity to me, even though I could not be in their physical presence, which I think is remarkable. The technology which allows such a rudimentary contact is still sufficient to catalyze a soulful connection between people, which promotes understanding, compassion, and healing.
CHAPTER 11 – IMPENDING SOCIAL CHALLENGES FOR WOMEN

The very next day on January 21st, 2011 I felt both empowered for finding inner strength to help someone, and grateful to the social environment which helped others and me as I wrote the following:

"Women are especially blessed. We have a love that encompasses the whole of us – Sisterhood. We share our hopes, dreams, fears, and aspirations freely. Left to ourselves, we attend to one another, to make certain that none of us faces something insurmountable, because we empathize. We know how it would feel to be in 'her' shoes, and we give her the support that we would hope for ourselves. We depend on this network of support and friendship, and it is vitally important to us.

It certainly is vitally important to me. If not for your help and support, dear Sisters, I might not have made it this far in my struggle with what life has thrown my way. I need you. I have also discovered that I seem to heal when someone needs me too.

What we have then, is a symbiotic sorority of giving and sharing that generates more love between us and strengthens us all."

Later that day on January 21st, 2011 and in response to a friend who had heard derisive comments from right-wing media, I wrote,

"Personally, I disagree that either media pundit can be called a 'prominent' member of society, but for the size of the captive audience that each has of the many small minds that cannot seem to reason for themselves, accepting that every utterance by them is the 'gospel truth'. You are right. We don't need their permission and we will win the day.

I'll stand with you and with every woman who thinks dignity, equality, and respect are fundamental human rights; and against everyone who thinks that empowering themselves by subjugating women is their right."

That same day, January 21st 2011 I supported a stance that SJ took regarding the infiltration by some men to our Sisterhood sanctuary, who were 'trolling' for sexual partners.

"Please, call me a feminist too. I am proud to stand with you to preserve what is and has always been a territorial right of all women, a place to gather and to support one another. Our place is sacred to all women who come here to share or to find friendship and support. The love that we have for each other here is unintelligible to the mind of a man, but is an important part of who we are... Anyone else care to lock elbows with us?"

Also that day, on January 21st 2011 I was inspired to comment on a story about feminism which was written by SJ,

"It is sad, but not surprising. In our testosterone driven cultures, decisions through the ages were given to those who were the toughest, strongest, and who could shout the loudest. It has been unfortunate for all of us that intelligence and wisdom are not requisite for any of those fundamental decision-making parameters.

Until very recently, our households have been mostly patriarchal, and women were given the scrapheap of decision-making privileges. The letter by Sarah was written in 1837, but by then, a women's lot was already a fixed quantity for thousands of years prior. She stated the same, "All history attests...". Think of it...'What's for dinner?' is one of the few questions that women could answer. Just try to live there for a moment. Think of how shameful it is to waste the wonderful minds that we have on the simplest of tasks, and then teaching our daughters not to aspire for greater, because it just isn't in the cards for them!

Only in the last blink of history's eye have we seen the rose blossom, but even so, only in western cultures. We have come far, due to the intractable efforts of those venerated women who endured the initial and continued ridicule of intolerant men who, in a position of power, would give no quarter, lest it were wrested from them.

Those in the less delicate sex who remain uninspired by this new renaissance cling to values, which protect their self-proclaimed superior status, and simultaneously violate our own. It is our turn now, to stand our ground and to not give quarter to those who think equality is fine, as long as they have more of it.

We have an advantage that will carry the day in our struggle to have equality everywhere – Sisterhood. As we celebrate Sisterhood here, in this haven made so special by some of us for us all, let us also remember our Sisters who are still alone in places around the globe who cannot share in the love and the strength that we have. Subjugation of women is never right under any circumstances, and it weakens us all wherever it occurs. Sara M. Grimke lives in me. Thank you for introducing her to me, SJ."

I was flexing my newfound muscles and I discovered that I had finally begun to recover from depression and rejection by my family.

In response to another story regarding how some women were cynical of the concept of Sisterhood, I wrote on January 22nd, 2011,

"For those women who find themselves on a different path, for any reason, I hope that they find enough of their own strength to deal with what life can bring to them. I also hope that those who feel indifference to the suffering of other women don't try to disrupt us from caring for each other, and that they too find peace. We will always be close by, should they ever change their minds.

I am relatively new to the concept of Sisterhood. I was first introduced to it last August, here on SN. Prior to then, I was a discarded and lonely soul with one friend... sort of, Annie. My self-esteem was barely self-sustaining and I was resigned to expect no change in how I felt before the end of my life.

When I arrived here, I found the love and support from you and our Sisters that made me feel whole once more. It is remarkable how I have changed to feel as alive and engaged as I am. Now, Sisterhood is as important to me as to the unknown author of your post. I am forever grateful to each and to all of my many Sisters for including me in 'us'. You live within me and have become a part of who I am."

Having Sisters to confide in, share with, and give asked-for advice to, helped me to see through reflection, a truer picture of who I am. I could tell that my personality was becoming stronger and I was feeling more confident.

On January 22nd, 2011 I wrote to one of my friends in response to her question, which I suppose every woman wrestles with. By doing so I also shined a light on an aspect of my life, trying to learn about suitable fashion for myself and trying to do so with as little impact on Annie as possible,

"Dear Bella,

"Can a girl have too many pairs of boots?"

I don't think I'll spend all evening pondering the philosophical ramifications, but I do wonder. :)

Are you old enough to remember Imelda Marcos? She had three thousand pairs of shoes, so you don't need to feel bad, until you come here and look into my closet!

I have been on a personal spending moratorium since last May. Because of the sensitive nature of events here with my partner, it has been extended from last December until next May. I don't buy anything for myself – underwear, jewelry...anything.

I haven't shared this with anyone here, but I had started having electrolysis to remove unsightly facial hair beginning last July. My electrologist thought that I would be done a long time ago. She feels so bad about miscalculating our progress that she does some of my sessions with her for no charge.

She understands that Annie feels a loss with each of my physical gains to conform to my feminine mind. I had self-imposed my own spending moratorium, in an effort to compromise with Annie's pain. At the same time, Annie buys liquor and cigarettes and other things. All add to more than the cost of my weekly treatments. I don't do cigarettes or alcohol, or gamble or non-prescription drugs...so I am a pretty cheap date!

At any rate, if you did come here to look into my closet, I am quite sure that you would think that I am an emergency case for Macy's and you would rescue me. I can picture purses flying into the car and the car fish-tailing and squealing down the street. Almost all of the few clothes that I have come from second-

hand shops. Some are so old and worn that I just use them to help my closet to look fuller, I never wear them.

I am not trying to complain, although it seems so, as I think about what I have written. One good thing: I would wager that there isn't a girl alive in the industrialized nations, who can look at mail from Penny's or Sears with more interest than I have. I imagine wearing all of the outfits I see, and I feel like I am in heaven!

Just four more months...: )"

The strength that I had gained through listening and responding to others and the solidarity I felt with my Sisters helped me to stand up for my own rights and define how others, particularly Annie would relate to me.

Life events would soon come at a pace that would have been impossible for me to process, without the benefit of friends and Sisters from SN.

Enter such a time.
CHAPTER 12 – RESPECT

Annie's mother was taken to her final resting place, and that was where we had last seen her brother alive. He had passed on shortly thereafter. I wrote about the event of his funeral and the fallout in a letter to friends dated January 29th, 2011.

R*E*S*P*E*C*T

...Tell you what it means to me".

I am thinking of the song of that title made famous by Aretha Franklin in the 1960's: "Sock it to me, Sock it to me, Sock it to me, Sock it to me..."

Annie's son, Jeremy, has known for a year that his mother's partner (me) is a woman born transsexual. While he and I have never been 'close', the three of us have been, but we will never be close again.

Jeremy is thirty-nine, never married, and lives two and one-half hours away from Annie and me. Jeremy's father was rarely around while he was growing up, and he and Annie have developed the strongest mother-son relationship that I have ever witnessed. They are on the telephone several days each week, and for hours at a time. Jeremy usually comes here to visit for the weekend once or twice per month, Friday through Sunday.

Since learning 'what' I am, Jeremy will not be in the company of 'Natalae'. Rather, he and his mother have insisted that I cover myself with a robe, and they will address me by a male name and male pronouns, whenever I leave the space I have been relegated to – my bedroom. I am allowed to join the two of them for dinner or to watch a movie. Those are the only times that I am allowed to join them. They do not ask me to join them to shop, and only rarely to see what's 'cool' on the web, or as rarely to share in a non-personal topic conversation.

As grotesque as my non-relationship seems, it was struck as part of the compromise that allows Annie to accept the replacement of her husband. I have been feeling so alone and depressed to be stuck in my bedroom for a long weekend whenever the notion popped into Jeremy's head that he wanted to come here, but what could I do? Annie didn't deserve to have her life turned upside down. I try in vain to make up for the absence of her husband and I just don't know how to stop trying... I simply must keep trying to pay that debt back to her.

It came to a head early this month (January 2011). Annie's brother was tragically killed in an auto accident near Fargo, North Dakota. It was a five to six hour trip to the funeral. Annie and Jeremy took turns driving. They enjoyed conversing in the front seat. I sat quietly and tried to read a book in the back.

They took their time for cigarette breaks at each opportunity while I waited alone in the car. I don't smoke, but if I did, I could not tread upon the sacred ground between them. I would still be alone. I told neither of them that I cannot take advantage of public restroom facilities along the way. I didn't wish to draw attention to myself. I am just not comfortable using a men's room. I am not a man, but I had to be dressed as a man for them.

By the time we got to the hotel, my poor bladder was under more pressure than the tires on the car. Still, I had to wait in the back seat until they finished yet another cigarette before checking into the bathroom... I mean the hotel room that the three of us were about to share. Jeremy smokes those brown cigar-cigarettes that take fifteen minutes to finish! I got out of the car to suggest that we check in and that they could have a cigarette later. Jeremy replied that I should use the bathroom in the lobby. I just climbed back into the car and waited.

I really don't know if I can describe how belittling it feels to me, to be in such a confined space with two people who are comfortable conversing over and around me. That was life in the hotel for me as well.

The next day was the funeral. I sat with Annie near the front of the church during the funeral service. Annie and I were both in tears. I couldn't comfort her. She could not be touched or comforted by a woman, and she sees through the deceitful clothing that she insists I wear while I am with her in public. Jeremy sat in the pew behind her and comforted her in my presence, but absence. The trip back home was every bit as uncomfortable as it was to get there. The entire trip was for a funeral in respect for Annie's brother, not a time to speak up for myself.

I don't want to divert too much here, but I think it is important to note something, especially for the benefit of those of you who are married. I am an embarrassment to Annie and to Jeremy, but for different reasons: Annie relishes the opportunity to be around any man, because she works at an all-woman pharmacy and then comes home to find me there. She explained to me once how her husband brought the 'woman' out of her. She did her nails, pampered herself, loved her makeup, and colored her hair. She no longer felt that she was the woman of the house in my company; and rather than compete with me, she just quit trying. I never felt that I was competing with her, but I do understand how she felt and what she has lost. When she is with Jeremy, she feels feminine again. She feels like a lady, not like a roommate; the way I make her feel. Of course, in his company it is easy for her to ignore the other woman... me.

For Jeremy, it is different. His focus is so intent on his mother, that it is easy for him to feel that I am inferior and do not deserve his acknowledgment or recognition. He was aware when my family and children had banished me from their company, upon hearing that I was a woman. He and Annie talked about it, even while I was in my imposed sanctuary/bedroom in the next room. He never mentioned it, or offered condolences, or even just asked how I was doing. He simply did not care.

I waited for a few days to allow some closure to the event of her brother's funeral before I put my foot down. I told Annie that I will not be made to feel disrespected by the two of them ever again. I asserted that I am a person who deserves the same respect that any stranger deserves; which is more than I am afforded while in their company. I told her that I will go to a hotel whenever her son comes to visit her.

We walked to the brink of our relationship once more, but we understood each other, and I stood my ground. I was more than a little surprised that Annie actually understood how I felt.

After work today, I thought about Jeremy's birthday coming up on Super Bowl Sunday. It was time to make plans to be at a hotel. Annie takes care of finances and I asked her if I should get a credit card from our bank with my name, Natalae, on it so I can use it for hotel and fuel for the car. She became upset and said that things were getting too out of hand.

I left to let her cool off, but I only became more upset myself. I went back to her and I said that I have a solution for our problem: "I live here. If the two of you have a problem being in my company, then you can get the hotel room for yourselves. I will be happier to be left alone in my home than to be forced out of my home to accommodate you and someone who is disrespectful of me."

I added that there are two conditions which will cause me to leave our relationship in a heartbeat: (1) If I am ever disrespected by her again, as I had been. (2) If I ever feel that being with her is hurting her more than she would be hurt by being alone. I want her to be happy, but if I cannot make her happy myself (and she earnestly says that I cannot), then I will not be with anyone who thinks that I am toxic to them.

We both stepped back from the precipice, but only a little.

She is going to drive to see him, so he won't be here whenever he plans to come here. I 'win' if by saying less disrespect means more respect, but I will still be alone.

She may be right about one thing: Things may be getting 'out of hand'. I am not comfortable having to compromise being myself (being deceitful to others at work and in Annie's company in public) by donning a man's attire. I feel disgraced that I even have men's clothing hanging in my closet next to my clothes.

I am empowered by simply standing up for the modicum of dignity that the meekest among us deserves, but I am not satisfied. Now, I feel that I also deserve to find happiness.

Annie will have her time on some weekends without me to visit people in other towns; it's her New Year's resolution to help her to be happier since we cannot do things in public together. Meanwhile, I too will take time to shorten the distance to the important relationship that I have with SJ and to strengthen the Sisterhood that I so gratefully share with you."

I had already made plans to see SJ again on February 10th 2011, this time to meet her father. I would be back from there on February 12th.

On February 6th, 2011, four days before I left, I had commented to a friend about wanting freedom and respect without realizing it at the time,

"... Destry, like you, I always look for the good in others, and like you I have been taken advantage of by others; not once, but many times throughout my life, because I have mistakenly placed my trust in them. I am experiencing a very painful time now, as my partner seems to be keeping me to protect her from loneliness. She does not love me and she treats me with disrespect at times. I embarrass her by what I am, not by who I am...

If I let my pride get the best of me for being taken advantage of, I will change by the hand of another; I will harden my heart and I will trust people less. In short, I will become more like the people who have made me feel like a fool. We are all a work in progress, but I want to be responsible for making positive changes in my life. I don't want to be changed by random chance at the will of my environment.

I refuse to be reduced to the least common denominator in society and that is what would happen if we aren't proactive in shaping ourselves to be the best that we can be. Decay comes naturally and is the easier path. It takes energy to create, so it follows that you and I and (I am grateful to see) the many others who like us, struggle to understand how others can turn a blind eye to how they make some of us feel. Remember, they can do so by what they lack. We don't, because of what we have – compassion and respect for others.

People like us have our place and we are needed to keep hope alive for a better society, one where most of us are compassionate and care for one another. We need to play our part. Don't let your spirit be crushed..."
CHAPTER 13 – FORGIVENESS VS. INDIFFERENCE

On that same date, February 6th, 2011 I crystallized in my own mind the difference between forgiveness and indifference regarding my personal experiences,

"Forgiveness is for those who have made a transgression or a mistake. We are all human and humans make mistakes sometimes. We need to forgive those who have made mistakes, as we also need forgiveness for our own. That makes sense, when we can understand the context of the mistake or the transgression.

Forgiveness is not for those who betray and abuse us and who do not ask for forgiveness. I call the adjustment to them – indifference.

I would like to forgive my former family for banishment and for trying to hurt me, but they hate me because of their intolerance of 'what' I am, not 'who' I am or anything that I have done. I fear them. I had written to them, appealing them to open their hearts and minds. Their response was silence followed by attempts to alienate others from me. It has been difficult for me to learn to feel indifferent to them, but I am now, and I am grateful to be so.

As another example, indifference would be the proper response for a battered wife who finally escapes the bonds of a violent marriage. Too many in that situation have found a way to forgive, only to repeat the pain.

Indifference allows one to feel free from those, whose behavior is too foreign from our own imaginable responses under the same given circumstances.

I think we should always choose forgiveness when forgiveness fits the situation, but to remember that indifference is available when forgiveness is not a healthy option. Both will allow you to keep from focusing on the past and allow your heart to mend."

I left on my second trip to see SJ on February 10th, 2011. On February 11th, 2011 and while still away visiting SJ, Annie sent this email,

"Just a quick note to say, "Hi". It is very quiet here... lots of time to think. I hope your visit is going well...

I have been thinking about you and about us a lot...we will have all day Sunday to catch up on things and talk.

Enjoy the rest of your visit and I will see you late Saturday night. Say hello to SJ.

Be safe and drive carefully.

Annie 8-)"
CHAPTER 14 – DIVORCE ANYONE?

I could not have known that the stage had been set for change – big change. On February 16th, 2011 I wrote to my friend about what was happening,

"Dear Bella,

... Last Thursday, on February 10th I made a 500-mile journey to see SJ. I came back on Saturday around 11:00 o'clock p.m. (February 12th). Annie and I talked when I got back until around 3:00 o'clock a.m. on the eve of St. Valentine's Day.

We both agree that Annie will only be free of the stigma of being married to a woman and that I will only be free to make someone happy, if we divorce.

We have spent hours talking about where we will live, when to look for places to live, dividing things, selling things, etc. to the point where we have things pretty well figured out.

We started off as friends, and we are both proud that we will end as friends too.

That is not to say that there haven't been tears and sleepless nights.

First though, we have to make it through August because Annie and I cannot get out of our lease here, and SJ and I have to decide which city we will live in. She will be coming soon to stay for a few days with Annie and me, so that we can start to make our plans.

Bella, I switch back and forth sometimes. I am so worried about Annie living alone, yet it is what she needs in order to free herself of the husband that haunts her. She will get over him and learn to appreciate our friendship. I am certain that Annie and SJ can be friends too. We'll soon see.

I hope that I haven't overwhelmed you. I really hope that you are happy for me.

Love,  
Natalae"

The following day, February 17th, 2011 I added in a letter to another friend,

"Annie and James were happily married for seven years. Annie and Natalae have continued living together, much less happy, for most of the first two and one-half of the last three years. Compromise between us, which was necessary to sustain us as partners in the same household, has led us to an uncomfortable place in the last six months. Annie cannot love another woman or get past being married to a woman, and I have been unable to fully express myself, and cannot feel the dignity and respect that I need from her.

We have decided to get divorced.

We arrived at the decision in the wee hours of St. Valentine's Day eve. Today, just three days later, we have already made many of the plans for separating. We have a framework of mutual expectations and have agreed on the division of most of our personalty.

There is no need for tears from anyone. This will be an amicable transition for us both. That is not to say that we are without tears. We will both be giving up security for emotional gratification. We both look forward to smiling more often. Each of us understands that a full life cannot be had without emotional gratification...

One thing that has, and will sustain us is friendship. Throughout it all, we remain loyal friends and we will, no doubt, always be. Yesterday, Annie said, "I don't want you to go away; I just want you to go away." Two days ago, I told Annie, "I just want to divorce you; I don't want to lose you."... It is all about friendship.

We both plan to keep in touch, as friends do, and to be in support of one another. We are still, after all, Sisters.

Your Sister,  
Natalae"

There was a new reality to deal with now, one as profound as any I have ever dealt with. I would need every bit of emotional strength I had gained in recent days, and more. I felt certain that I could not have endured the emotional turbulence within me without giving and receiving support from my Sisters. In this letter from February 19th, 2011, you might see how advice and comfort given to a friend was at once reflected;

"Well Kimberly,

This is what I propose: We hold each other's hand. We will be kind to one another, and we will support one another.

Lao Tzu: "Kindness in words creates confidence. Kindness in thinking creates profoundness. Kindness in giving creates love."

We will each know that we are never alone, and never without love.

We can best face life by facing it together.

I couldn't have made it this far, if I had to do it all alone. I have so many people here to thank for making me feel whole again, beautiful souls like yours, whom I have only been able to see by closing my eyes.

I am so happy to have you in my life to inspire me.

Your admiring Sister,  
Natalae"

I still had deep emotional ties to Annie that could not be easily broken, and I cared much more for her happiness than I suspect most partners who are about to go through a divorce. On February 20th, 2011 I responded to a story written by a friend,

"No one should have to endure the pain of the loss of a child, Dolly, and I am so sorry that you had that experience. The love we have for those who go before us never dies, and the love that we receive from those who pass on continues.

I read the messages from your link. I saved it to help me to deal with my own haunting questions of 'what if?' Valentine's Day is my favorite holiday because it is about love. This year, my partner and I mutually agreed to end our marriage, and it happened to be during the wee hours of St. Valentine's Day eve. We are both proud to say that after more than ten years, our friendship will never fade. However, that is not to say that I am without my weak moments even while I recognize that new doors to opportunity will open for each of us.

My partner is all that remains of my family. My mother and my closest sister, precede me in death. I count on their continuing love and support to sustain me. All others, including my two adult children, have left me, individually and collectively just over a year ago. They will never speak to me or see me again. I still don't know if my loss is more than I can take. Today, my daughter called my partner to congratulate her for deciding to further isolate me – a twist of the knife.

It is almost 6:00 o'clock a.m. and I haven't been able to sleep all night. I came to SN to look for a distraction. In my weak moment, I read your story and shared your feelings.

Thank you for helping me to deal with my life. I needed this. Now, I am going to try again to get some sleep."

She sent a personal message back to me in response, to which I replied,

"Dear Dolly,

Thank you for your kind offer of Reiki. I happily accept your offer. I have been in tears all day, except for the intermittent thoughts of your generous friendship, which I consider a blessing.

It seems that for all of my wishes for others to be happy, so many feel pain in my wake instead. Sometimes I just feel cursed. There remains just one flesh-and-blood person on this earth who appreciates me. You may know her, so I will call her SJ to protect her identity for now. Our emotional plans are made, yet I worry that my track record will put her at risk for disappointment too. In addition, we have all of our practical day-to-day living expectations to share and to work out.

To further complicate matters, we don't know if I will move 500 miles to her and uproot my job, my friendship and support for my soon-to-be former wife, or if SJ will transfer here. My partner, Annie, is in tears whenever she thinks that I might leave her alone here, but SJ has family where she lives. SJ will be here with Annie and me soon for about five days. They have known about each other from the first, and I pray that they will become friends. I know that there is a likelihood that they will.

The ground I stand on feels so insecure right now. I will be okay, I think. But I will happily pay you back tomorrow for some love and support today. : )

... Thank you for your kindness.

Natalae"

Annie and I were both in tears. Each of us for different reasons, but one in common; there was a reasonably high potential that we would live completely separate lives following divorce. If I had to move 500 miles away to live a new life, I would still wonder everyday how Annie was doing alone, and Annie worried no less about me. SJ had health issues and there were many challenges to establishing a meaningful long-term relationship with someone I knew almost entirely through writing.

That same day, on February 20th, 2011 I wrote about some of my insecurity to SJ,

"Dearest SJ,

I need you to know that I am feeling very weak, emotionally...

Sometimes, I feel that I lack any value as a person. I have lost everyone who was ever been close to me. I know that when my time comes to pass, that the truth about 'who' I am will be determined by those who have abandoned me because I have embarrassed them by 'what' I am.

I am also insecure that I can be an equal partner for you. I have no one to validate for you that I am worthy of your love and companionship. I am afraid that I have been conditioned to fear that I might seem a burden to you because I have lost everyone who I have ever cared for. I was a burden to them...even to my own children.

SJ, I simply could not live with myself if I ever feel that I could be a burden to you too. I promise that I will do as much or as little as you would have me do to be ideal for you, but I have such a poor track-record with my good intentions. I care so much and want others to be happy, and it saddens me so deeply to see the pain that I have left for those in my wake.

As I wrote to Kimberly, "I wish that I could always be as strong as I sometimes feel, and I am strongest when others need my help and support. I guess it helps me to feel useful and appreciated; two things I need in order to keep on living.

I guess that, like all of us, we are fragile for the way others erode our self-esteem, our job security, our safety, our human rights, even our perceived relative value as people in society.

I cannot make it without your love and the love of our Sisters. I pray for you and for all of our Sisters to find the respect and dignity, which are the prerequisites for finding the ultimate goals of self-fulfillment and happiness."...  
Natalae"

SJ was planning to stay with Annie and me around February 28th, 2011 to see if she might be able to transfer her job here. She called to say that she had a conflict with that date, and would let me know when a better time was.

Annie and I proceeded with our lives here, happy and supportive of each other for the most part, but both of us fearful that SJ's argument for me to move to her city with her supportive family would outweigh my argument to be in a supportive friend relationship here, where she would also have the benefit of a world renown medical center, the Mayo Clinic.

Events were moving quickly. Even while I was amenable to the changes, I was also in a sort of free fall, prepared to land wherever circumstances took me. On March 3rd, 2011 I wrote this to a friend,

"Hi Bella!

Annie and I went to look for a new apartment for her tonight. It was a cozy little one bedroom in a nice setting. She will be fine. We will both be leaving the nicest place that either of us has ever lived in.

I still have so many more questions than answers, but I do know that I could not live in this town by myself. Annie thinks that living alone would be best for her and she has her good reasons for feeling that way.

Sometimes we both cry for knowing how much we will miss each other. I worry already about her being alone. She thinks that she always will be alone, but she will be fully engaged in an active social life as soon as she gets over the loss of her husband and she tires of her loneliness. She is adorable, inside and out. She says that we will always be friends. I hope that will be a fact to be found, but it depends on her ability to change from where, so far, she has been unable to...

Annie mentioned you last night. She said that she is not interested in dating. She couldn't handle the frustration that men present. Too few can be trusted and they all ultimately let you down. That may be a little too cynical, according to some old movies that I have seen...then again, maybe not.

Me? I am into having a few treasured friends that I can focus on and have meaningful long-term committed relationships...like ours, Bella.

I want to be able to look back from the threshold to the hereafter and know that I have made a difference in someone's life, and that other's lives were enriched by me. Love is all about giving, and I am not a materialistic girl. My dream is to be witness to SJ's smiles and to make her feel surprised at how beautiful her life can be. My dream may seem idealistic, and it is. There are hundreds of things we need to learn about our relationship that we still do not know. I am certain only of what there is between and all around us.

Love,  
Natalae"

I wanted very much for SJ and Annie to get along so that SJ would feel comfortable here, and that would allow us all to be supportive of one another. On March 3rd, 2011 Annie gave me yet another reason to feel supportive of her after she suffered another anxiety attack. I wrote this to a friend on that date,

"Annie went to the Emergency Room this morning. She called me from her work as another employee drove her. I was about to leave for work when I got the call and I met her there. Her blood pressure was 185/95, extremely high for someone who usually has low BP. She was cold and clammy, but had no infection. They checked her heart, lungs, kidneys, etc. The doctor concluded that her symptoms were due to stress.

You may recall that Annie and I will be divorcing. We have looked at apartments together for her, and have found a few candidates that she will feel at home in. Most of the time; Annie looks forward to her peaceful and lonely palace to withdraw to. Other times she wonders how long she will feel that way.

She tells me that it would be practical for me to live in the same town. I could keep my job, all of my furniture, maybe keep insurance from her work (under a legal separation). More than just practical, she would also know that, should anything bad befall either of us, we would 'be there' for the each other.

Security is definitely important to us both. I want Annie to be happy and she wants me to be happy too.

Annie knows that there is an equal chance that I will not be living in the same town, but one that is more than eight hours drive away. She may really feel alone, even with the company of my former family and children, most of whom live only an hour away.

Sometimes she weeps when she tells me that she would miss me if I go away...and so do I. Then I remind her that our relationship cannot survive; partly due to the fact that she cannot show dignity and respect, nor can she see more benefit to her than harm by her being with me. She is living in the same 'closet' that I have to stay in because of the compromise that I have with her in order to maintain our relationship (ironic whiplash). I cannot share life with her. She will not even be seen with me. Perhaps she can change someday, but the change, if it happens, will not come unless she has time alone to process all of her feelings from the loss of her husband to the loss of me.

If I go, it will be because it is the best choice; not for me, but for me and the person that I want to share life with. Here or there, I will put my back into making her love her life as much as I will, in her company.

The world will just have to adapt to 'all the time' Natalae and I will be relieved of the burden of disguising myself from anyone. Only then, when I live as my true self, will I be ready to reap the rewards and joys from a life fulfilled.

Annie had plans to leave today for the weekend to be with her son, who lives two and one-half hours away. After seeing her in the ER this morning, I expected her to change her plans. When I got home from work, I saw a neatly typed note from her. She promised to call me at 7:15 o'clock p.m. She said that she finished her shift at work, was feeling much better and that she left for her son's house at 4:00 o'clock p.m. I worried about her, but she called when she planned and she told me that she was safe.

I kept the note that she wrote to me. I won't tell her that it is special to me for the fact that she addressed it to ME – Natalae. It is the first time that she used my name to speak to me, a first sign of respect. If she keeps that up, there is still hope that we can remain friends.

Natalae"

Three days later, on March 6th, 2011 I wrote to a friend about how Annie had made me feel,

"Hi Bella,

The distance between my heart and my mind still grows. While I cannot stop caring for Annie, she is only interested that I survive. While I mentally explore and anticipate a life with someone else whom I know very little about, it sometimes feels like she has very little interest in learning about me, or where we might live together for the rest of our lives. It is rather like saying good-bye to my last family remnant and my best friend and witness to my life, and preparing to marry someone who seems mildly interested in how our lives will play to the end. Whatever will be, will be...I guess.

I have been alone this weekend and watching movies, reading books, and listening to music that would make me cry. Actually, I would cry if just left sitting in a chair for a few minutes anyway.

Annie got home from her son's house a few hours ago and has been sleeping most of the time since. I just woke her up to send her to bed. She seems back to normal, even after being at the emergency room on Friday morning due to anxiety.

I don't feel like crying now, but it is only a moment away...just a stirring thought is all that it would take.

Change is about to happen, and there is no crystal ball to see what lies ahead. I wish that I could let go of Annie as she has let go of me. I have good reason to be angry or upset with her for treating me as I would never treat another. I know that I will never let go of worrying about her until I know that she has found happiness and security with someone else.

SJ knows that she can be independent and find happiness by living alone. She has found acceptance from others. I know neither independence nor acceptance and I could never live where I am and be alone. There is too much intolerance of me here.

There is no one here who knows who I am, except Annie and she is leaving me. All others who were given a chance to meet me have reacted to me in anger. Now, my age and sensitivity to other's feelings towards me have conspired to make my skin just paper-thin. I feel little sustenance from my environment and I bleed easily here. The nourishment that keeps me alive is the love from you and our Sisters here. When SJ takes my hand, I will follow her to live wherever she thinks best, and I will work with her to make the best life possible for the two of us.

Still, I will worry that Annie will never find another who is suitable to be her life partner, even while she claims to want to live alone.

I still have ground that moves beneath my feet...

Your very grateful Sister,  
Natalae"

I was very thankful and grateful to my new-found friends and Sisters on SN for their comfort and support. That same day on March 6th, 2011 I responded to a post that I found about beauty in a way which praised the women who loved and supported me and who helped me to hold on,

"Feminine beauty, like love, is observed from without. One who is beautiful cannot fully appreciate her own beauty by seeing her reflection in a mirror. Someone who does not think herself pretty may be beautiful. A photograph of someone unknown to us may be of a pretty woman, or not; but beauty is alive and it emanates from the living, it doesn't show in a photograph. It is the love, which is given to others to nourish their souls which makes the giver become beautiful to the recipient and to others who may be witnesses, and which inspires love to be returned and to spread to others. Love and feminine beauty are therefore, entwined, and they strengthen as they grow together.

I am blessed to know so many beautiful women here in the post that you have created. We have formed bonds of love between us that grow and nourish each other. Women's unique quality of sharing of themselves to others, and for empathy, caring, and love for each other makes for the family that I have, where none other can be found – Sisterhood. Thank you for this loving family.

Love always,  
Natalae"

Stress certainly surrounded Annie and me, but we were by no means the only people going through stress. We worried about others who struggle as well. In a letter dated March 14th, 2011 to another close friend on SN with a chronic illness, I describe changes happening between Annie and me during a time when we both felt as though we were being controlled by events,

"Janis,

I suppose that you know how much of a relief it is for me, and for the rest of your family and friends, to hear your good news. We have all been working hard at worrying, hoping and praying for your condition to improve because you mean so much to us. It is difficult to find smiles while you are fighting so hard, and the smiles will widen for us all, as we hear more good news. I am crying now just for the pleasure of hearing the first of the best news yet to come, and for the relief in knowing that our hearts may have made a difference.

For many in your shoes, the struggle may seem much more personal, but I think you must know how it feels to be on the other side of the eyes of all who know you and care so much about you. You are inside each of us now, and you will always remain a part of us, even after the hopeful day that Lupus will leave you alone forevermore.

Thank you for your kind words of support. I let Annie read what you had written, and she asked me to thank you for her too. It seems that you are right about so many friends and family who are hurting. For a while, I just didn't know how to cope with so many unknowns in my own life.

Now, I have had to be strong for Annie. I met her on her way from her job to the emergency room last Friday. Her doctors ordered her not to go back to work until after she checks in with them on March 28th due to stress. She is taking medications now to help her to cope.

Aside from her dealing with some [seemingly] heartless people at work, she worries that she and I may find ourselves hundreds of miles from one another, a prospect neither of us thinks palatable. We both like each other. Recently, she has begun referring to me by my name for the first time in thirty-seven months, in both her speech and her writing. She is showing me a newfound respect, and that was one of two requirements that I said I needed in order to survive our relationship with her. The other was that I needed to know that I was better for her life than bad.

Today is the one-month mark from when we decided to divorce, and neither of us knows what might happen from here. Annie was excited at first, and I went to explore some new apartments with her where she could create her own sanctuary. She had always fantasized that I would live close enough to invite over for dinner, or to help with moving furniture and cleaning, etc. She needs to know that one would always 'be there' for the other.

Does it seem as though 'divorce' should be a rather strange thing to discuss for two people who care about each other as much as we do?

Well, I won't make any major decisions with her until I know that she is ready to make them, and I cannot leave her if she isn't ready to deal with life on her own. I told her (half seriously and half tongue-in-cheek) that I have imposed a moratorium on stress; that there is no way for us to have serious discussions about the future until some things happen at the beginning of May, and until we both feel ready to move on.

I have always known what a wonderful and beautiful person Annie is. I have never stopped loving her. Annie has always appreciated me, but not in the company of others. Yesterday, she posed the question; 'What do I want that she might structure her life to accommodate me?'

Her question absolutely floored me! I had never even gotten past how I can accommodate her in order for her to accept me and live with me. I didn't know how or even if I should try to answer, so I politely put it off. After thinking about it overnight, I have imagined ways to feel at home and with her, but I only offered this observation: For what we have between us (honesty, support, caring, mutual compatibility on many levels), we could both search for ideal companions that fill the needs we lack, but still be less able to fill the needs that we have met. Annie agreed.

So for now, the moratorium on stress between us is holding. Annie seems to be recovering already, and she has been working hard to show me that she cares about me too.

If only the rest of the world would comply with our moratorium...but NOOOOOOOO.

I have friends here who are struggling, and while I don't know Siobhan personally, my heart goes out to her too. Any friend of yours is a friend of mine. Please let her know that I care about her too. I am in tears watching families looking for lost loved ones in Japan [earthquake/tsunami], and I worry about demonstrators in Wisconsin [revolt against right-wing governor Walker and attempts to eliminate collective bargaining for public workers] and in the Middle East ['Arab Spring'; protests against political leaders and in support of democracy]. All the while, the earth moves under my feet too.

As I told another friend once, "...I have learned that I can navigate through any tempest as long as I have a lucky star to observe in the heavens." My friends are my lucky stars, and I proudly count you among the very brightest...

Love always,  
Natalae"

I secretly began to wonder if SJ would ever be coming to visit as she had promised. She had planned to let me know when she would be coming to visit Annie and me after she discovered a conflict with her plans to come here on February 28th.

My first priority was to help Annie. On March 20th, 2011, I wrote to another friend who was struggling with her own relationship and shed some personal insight into my own with Annie,

"Dear Bella,

You can make me feel many things, but 'bummed' is a feeling I would experience only if I didn't hear from you at all.

Gee, Bella, it sounds to me like meeting up with your ex would be as big a mistake as it does to you. Please correct me if I am wrong, but somehow, I think that if you had a more realistic and positive self-image (one you so RICHLY DESERVE), the thought of contacting your ex wouldn't have happened in the first place.

That said, I cannot pass judgment on how you feel about yourself, or the character of your ex. Only you can evaluate whether your ex deserves your trust, and whether or not you feel that you can depend on his honesty. If he passes those tests, then you must also decide if you think that he is likely to show you the extraordinary love, caring and respect that you so RICHLY DESERVE (especially beyond a potential short-lived second honeymoon period).

I want you to be as happy as life can make anyone, Bella. I know that all of us have character traits that are less than perfect, but compromise with the wrong person will ultimately make you feel worse than you do today.

Personally, I think anyone seeking a life partner should look for someone who will openly and unabashedly share their life with you AS IT HAPPENS. That is a good measure of honesty and respect. I think honesty is a value that two people sharing life should consider as a pillar in their relationship and understand that once violated, trust is gone, not just on a temporary hiatus.

I understand that people can make mistakes in judgment or misinterpret facts, but that is different from what I am speaking of now. If honesty was violated to mislead, deceive, or to protect himself or another party, then my response would be to reduce my expectations and the degree of my involvement with that person.

Pleads for forgiveness or my eventual feelings of indifference could lead to friendship on a trust-but-verify basis, but not more. I would not make the mistake of trusting the same person completely, who had taken my trust for granted by any degree. I know that I would not have violated that person's trust, and I need to find someone who feels as I do, in order to trust them, or I expect to be disappointed.

I am left to wonder, as you probably are too; so how long will it take for either of us to find the gem among grains of sand? I wish I knew.

Annie and I have been trying to work out a meaningful relationship, one that may or may not involve living in the same household or the same city, with or without someone who seems to have wavering aspirations about living with me. It is all incredibly confounding for us both.

While trust and honesty have never been an issue with Annie and me, she and I are unable to completely meet the needs of the other. We want to always be in support of one another, regardless of whether we are married or living together. It seems the rational way for friends to be, especially in troubled economic times, and when we are both approaching the end of adolescence (smile).

What I cannot live with is disrespect. What Annie cannot live with (or at least, is uncertain of) is whether she can tolerate being married to another woman. Now, we can be divorced and I can pay $400/month in prescription drug costs plus the cost of having insurance on my own to give her peace of mind (not to say that it would not impact my ability to keep warm and to eat...) and that would be acceptable, but there is no way that I can live with disrespect as I have experienced from her. She requires me to pretend that I am someone other than who I am whenever I am in her company with someone else and while I am at work.

If it is difficult to imagine how I feel, then let me elaborate. I feel as though she thinks that I am less a person than she and her company, and that I should be dishonest to others in her company and to those I work with in order for them to be comfortable at my expense... for the rest of my life. The result would be that very few people would know the life and times of Natalae on this earth when my time comes to pass and that my life would be next to meaningless. I have already lost all of my family and children to intolerance. I think that I deserve better and I need to take a stand.

As I pointed out, we have to have values for which we stand resolute in order to defend who we are in spite of the personal costs.

I may end up living alone for the rest of my life and if that happens, I don't think that I will have too long to live. I live in fear of those who hate me for 'what' I am to them. I think that you might be equally unhappy if you were to live a life of perpetual loneliness too, but you have so many more blessings in your life, Bella. I feel sure that you will eventually be very happy.

My saving grace is that I have you and others who care about me, even though I can only touch you and be touched by you through our words.

Love you, Sis.

Natalae"

I had accepted the idea of Annie and I divorcing, but hadn't fully come to terms with all of the uncertainty that my future held. I was still servicing the 'moratorium on stressors' for Annie and waiting to hear from SJ about when she would be coming to visit us in order to help us to make plans for our future, just taking each day as it came. However uncertain of my ability to be the author of my future, the social responsibilities I felt for all people to have equality strengthened.

On March 26th, 2011, I noticed a post by one of my friends describing mistreatment of someone by others via their post on SN. I wrote to her,

"No one deserves to be mistreated. Good for you, Janis. We condone the negative actions of others if we fail to oppose them with our words and actions. Today, you are someone's hero, and I hope your so-called 'rant' inspires us all to keep from turning away when doing so makes this world a darker place. The biggest hearts shine the brightest lights."

What I had written seemed simple enough, but therein was the beauty. Simple truths are fundamental ideas expressed in words which help us to crystallize the patterns that we see and which affect us in our own environment... and that is beautiful. Looking for the truth and understanding things more clearly helped me to feel more certain about my own values and convictions, and about myself.

I had made strides regarding values and social responsibilities but my uncertain future kept me from running. I wrote this letter to a friend one day later, on March 27th, 2011,

"It is such a beautiful Sunday morning. After a long bath, I went outside in my robe to cool off in the brisk Minnesota air and the bright sun. I thought to myself, "What a beautiful day for a picnic!" but I just cannot enjoy a picnic by myself. I cannot engage life as I would like to, with someone special.

I instantly felt depressed and I began to cry, feeling quite sorry for myself. I don't know if I am the cause of depression for someone I care deeply for, Annie, or if she has inner demons that I just do not understand. The result is the same as if she has a debilitating and degenerative brain disease and refuses to go anywhere or do anything with me.

The idea that I could be the cause for her lack of enthusiasm is enough for me to wish for eternal sleep sometimes, even though we like and appreciate each other very much. Then I remember that there are many more of us whose suffering is so much greater than mine is. My life is what it is, and I need to accept and rejoice in what I have and how I can help others. Still, I needed something to help me to find the ground with my feet."

The way to 'accept and rejoice' in one's life comes first from understanding. In a story written by a friend who was struggling with her own life circumstances, I wrote to her on April 4th, 2011 about fear that we were both facing,

"... Your story has been with me for days now, and I am finally able to write my feelings out of my head.

First, let me provide some imagery from my frame of mind before I read your story. I recently saw an account of a true event which happened in October of 2004 in Albuquerque, NM: A 69-year-old experienced pilot of a hot air balloon (in the shape of 'Smokey the Bear') took on board two boys, one fourteen and one ten years old. All three were unknown to each other as the boys were asked if they would like to fly just before lift-off. The setting was during the waning hours of an event for balloonists, and the clear sky was filled with balloons of all colors and shapes.

The site is a magnet for balloonists because gentle breezes at lower elevations push the balloons in one direction, while upper level winds blow in the opposite direction. When balloonists were ready to return to their point of origin, they simply needed to heat the air inside the balloon to rise, and then catch the returning breeze.

Smokey the Bear and his passengers were on their return voyage when the weather changed, quite unexpectedly. Suddenly, forty mile-per-hour winds blew the craft off course and toward a seven-hundred foot radio tower. The pilot poured flames into Smokey to rise over its top, but it was too late. The pilot told the boys to get low in the gondola and to hang on. As the gondola crashed at six-hundred and seventy feet, the youngest boy was flung from the gondola, but was somehow rescued by the others.

As I watched the film of the event, I remember how I felt when I rode the 'Tower of Power' to three-hundred and eighty feet (or so) years ago at a fair (when my heart could still take it!). Looking off into the distance it seemed like I was part of a different world. When I looked down at my feet dangling in space above the diminishing ground, I felt the increasing threat that gravity posed. I was scared!

As I watched the film, I imagined what it would be like to be each of the people on board.

Crashing into the tower at close to forty miles-per-hour, I might be ready to meet my maker if I were the pilot, but for the children on board. They were my responsibility. With the wind screaming like demons through the lines and the tower beams, and the fabric of the balloon now acting as a sail to break the tower itself, I imagined myself as the 14-year-old boy struggling with the pilot to pull the youngest of them back on board, looking back and forth between the ground so far beneath them, and the terror-stricken eyes of the 10-year-old boy screaming for his life.

With the 10-year-old back on board, the 14-year-old then jumped to the tower. The 10-year-old was too afraid to make the jump to safety, but the 14-year-old convinced him that the ropes holding the gondola to the tower were about to fail and the gondola would fall to earth. The 10-year-old overcame his paralyzing fear and made the leap. The pilot followed.

So, what is it like for a 10-year-old to live moment to horrifying moment through an event like this? He barely understands living, and certainly cannot comprehend life or death. I identify with the fear in this young mind that comes from not knowing.

The others are different: The 14-year-old isn't processing the fear. He remembers what it is like to be a 10-year-old, and he will be strong for his younger friend for as long as it takes to get him to safety. The older man might feel fortunate that there is another adult-acting person on board who has both the energy and the courage to act. He has the courage, but would have struggled to motivate two fear-stricken boys to leave the gondola for the tower.

For the past two months, I have been feeling fear of the unknown like the 10-year-old boy in the story. I am at a crossroads in my life and I am paralyzed from acting, partly because time needs to pass in order to bring information to light, and partly because I am fearful of the enormous changes that I will have to live through soon.

Friends, who know and understand, offer their strength through encouraging words of support, and it helps. Sometimes, when I see others struggling, I also can offer my help. I find that when I do, it makes me feel strong (like the 14-year-old). Other times, I feel as though the struggle is just too much..."
CHAPTER 15 – IMPORTANCE OF PERSONAL VALUES

I wrote this note to a friend on April 5th, 2011 the following day,

"I would like to think myself an author who writes her own parts, but I have been too careful not to make my role in life impact others more than absolutely necessary. The result hasn't been ideal for me or the others I had wished to protect. I am affecting others simply by being me. I cannot make everyone happy, but I can try to make my special someone happy, which will make me happy too. The alternative is to do nothing and to make for a life of secure emptiness.

As I said, I would like to think myself an author who writes her own parts. I am still looking for strength to move on, but knowing that doing so will cause someone to suffer loneliness and insecurity without me. I can only find solace in knowing that I cannot predict the future. Perhaps my partner may be happier without me someday."

This period for me was an intersection of when timeless personal values were formulating and I was assessing both my personal value as a contributor to society and my personal responsibility to help others who were suffering. The formidable uncertainty of eminent personal changes in my life was a distraction which caused a great deal of anxiety, even while I needed to be strong for Annie.

Patience was required while I felt powerless to influence future events, so I looked back. On April 7th, 2011 a short note to a friend highlights a personal need to think in the present instead of what might have been,

"...wishing that I had all of the early years to recall as a girl, but I also know that we have full lives and lives as they were meant to be. While I can entertain notions of what I may have missed out on, there is nothing I can do to change my personal history."

On April 10th, 2011 I was still looking for a footing for my own life.

HOW DOES ONE MEASURE THE VALUE OF LIFE?

... 'To thine own self be true', I agree that we must be. To be otherwise is to lie about who we are to ourselves and to everyone whose lives we touch. I know from personal experience that one cannot keep a façade about who they are forever.

My family used to like and respect me; before I came clean to them that I am a woman. Now, I am an insult to them for what I am and they will never know who I truly am. They have all abandoned me, including my children, and I will never see or hear from them again... not a small price to pay for being true to mine-own self. In fact there were times when I thought I should die. Life without them would leave a permanent hole in my soul.

I believe that I am a loving and compassionate person whose attributes outweigh her faults, but I am not who I think I am – no one is. 'Who I am' is the composite of opinions of all who know me and all who think that they do. They are my peers. They judge me. When I am gone, they are the only ones left who will know the story of me from their own perspective. My subjective voice will be made irrelevant and silent.

Let me tell you why I feel as I do.

My mother lives on in me, although she has passed on. The experiences we have shared are unique, and form my unique perspective of who she is to me, and who I am to her. The same can be said among those of the living. My wonderful and supporting friends here have unique and different perspectives of the person I am to them, just as no one else can have the exact same perspective that I have of each of them.

None of us has the power to convince someone that they should adopt our personal perspectives of ourselves. Now, I used to think that subjective opinion of 'self' carried no value whatsoever, that we are who others say we are, just as an innocent person can be found guilty of a crime and be forced to pay a cost in freedom or life. The 'truth' is a fact to be found, and the fact is that the truth is the guilty verdict determined by the defendant's peers, not truth based solely on the undisputed truth of the facts or how well a defendant pleads his or her case.

I tried, unsuccessfully to modify my own perspective to include my subjective opinion in order to find any value to my life at all when my family turned their backs, individually and collectively.

Life is all about love, but the constant forces of learning and change (struggle) keep us all as a work in progress. Now, after discovering SN and the beautiful souls here who have become my friends, I fear the 'truth' of who I am less, and value my life more. The more that friends share honestly of themselves, the more each understands and accepts me and the more I am given a hand up to a higher plateau of awareness. I am no stranger to meditation, and I know it is helpful to understand and learn from our sub-conscious. Personally though, I'd bet that friends are equally important to self-improvement as meditation. In fact, they may have saved my life.

I hope that when I pass on that I will be remembered by some with a smile. That would mean that my life was worthwhile...that would mean that my life had value... and that would make me smile..."

I was feeling that SJ was trekking on a different path because she still had not contacted me to finalize a date for her to visit Annie and me, but I was afraid to ask. On April 13th, 2011 I wrote to her my last email,

"Dear SJ,

I am much better now than I was only a week ago. It has only been in the last week when I have been able to sleep through most of the night. Still, it almost always takes hours to fall asleep, and when I wake, I can rarely fall back to sleep. This morning, Saturday, I woke up around 5:30 o'clock a.m. and I could not go back to sleep.

Last night, I watched a made-for-TV movie called, "The Shunning". Little of the movie pertained to exiling a female member of an Amish community, but it reminded me of my circumstances and how others have left me – alone. That is all that it took, just a gentle reminder of the hole in my soul from the loss of my children and my family and I fell into a spinning vortex of recurring thoughts and feelings, mostly about rejection. I had a picture of a sunbaked weather-worn ox skull in the desert on my mind. Someone walking through the desert would notice it for the break in monotony of sand dunes and a few cacti, but the passerby wouldn't break stride to look more closely and would continue on her journey. I thought of the skull as a metaphor of myself, left alone, with only the sand, wind, and the heat as testimony to my lonely existence.

I remembered back to last August. It almost seems like years ago now. My world seemed shattered then. I was freshly and permanently shunned by my family, and I wondered if life would be worth living. Annie thought I might try to connect with people through Facebook, but I soon discovered that to be a forum with too little protection from predators, and then I discovered SN.

I admired you almost as soon as I met you, and I felt special to be counted among your friends. While everyone around me turned their back, you wrapped me in your loving arms and made me feel safe. Like you once said, we were on parallel planes and, "We both crossed over it at the same time to find each other, and to walk hand-in-hand in the beauty of our love, and commitment for each other."

Who knew where our lives could go from there? I stayed with you on two separate trips. We had experienced the North Dakota Heritage Center, had taken pictures and had dinners together. You treated me to my first ever make-over with Faye. I met some of your friends, and I was honored to meet your father. You always treated me with respect and friendship. I was never disappointed while in your company.

We were on a parallel course, but you were as a comet and my feet were tethered to Annie as you passed by. I was pulled in both directions and I know that you could tell too. While on the telephone, you thought I was too emotional, wondering if you would live here, or if I would live there, if I could afford moving costs, if I would be able to quickly find employment, if Annie was going to be all right after the divorce, if your family would accept me... You would calm me by saying that I didn't need to worry, that we would figure things out as they came along.

At the same time, you were struggling with your own health issues, which I think I may have been contributing to some confusion on your part as well. I understand what 'Sensory Overload' is, however I don't understand how often or to what degree it affects you personally, but I know how couples who are about to move in together become consumed by minutia as their lives consolidate, and I know that the consolidation of our lives would be much more difficult than for most.

So, what has happened recently? You were planning to come to Rochester, to assess whether this environment, or yours in Bismarck, would be best suited for us. You were originally planning to come here on February 21st and then changed for a tentative date on February 28th. You would call to let me know when I should ask for vacation days from work. I last wrote to you on March 30th, and have called to leave a message for you since, but even on April 10th, I noticed that you haven't spoken or written to me for weeks.

Perhaps you recognized that I come with too many needs and too much baggage. If I think about it, I could become consumed with second-guessing the truth that only you know. "Anxiety is love's greatest killer. It makes others feel as you might when a drowning man holds on to you. You want to save him, but you know he will strangle you with his panic." – Anais Nin.

The important things are these: You saw beauty in my soul at a time when no one else on this earth could. You gave your strength for me to endure when I struggled to carry on. You always treated me with respect and dignity, even while others treated me with disrespect and humiliated me. You allowed me into your world where I could help you to help others who wear our shoes, by inviting me to participate in your informative community-based website.

Whatever the reason why our lives have not grown together, I want you to know that I will always be your friend and your colleague and that I will always admire your loving and giving spirit.

Annie and I still wonder about the changes we will need to make in order to survive, but we have decided that we will work together. We had decided to divorce, but while I went with her apartment shopping to support her new life without me, she watched as I struggled with what life would leave me with too. She knew that I wouldn't fair well alone, even as I worried about her being alone. For all of my worries over logistics and emotions concerning our potential lives together, she worried with me. She has always been emotionally invested in my happiness.

When the idea of 'you and I' began to fade, Annie declared that she would not leave me in a position of suffering, emotionally or financially. In her words, "I will not let you sit." I feel as strongly for her. I will always need to 'be there' for her too.

I don't know if I will ever see you in person again, SJ. Still, I see you often and I think of you fondly. You are a part of my life that I am happy to reflect on. I hope that you think that we can always be friends.

Your friend and Sister,  
Natalae"

It was the last time that I communicated with SJ, and I would never hear from her again. Forever gone was the opportunity to have a life unencumbered by others, at work and at home, who demanded that I pretend to be 'James' part-time. The prospect was difficult, although it could be worse; I could be alone.

Being rejected by SJ brought those 'never far away' haunting memories of irrelevancy back only too clearly.

On April 24th, 2011, I thought again about my own experience as a parent, who lost her children by her children's choice,

"... Children; you cannot ever be ready for them, but once you have them, you can never leave them... even if they leave you."

Finding life after being abandoned by family may be difficult to imagine, but there is little else that could compare to the insult to my self-esteem than for my own children to relegate me to irrelevancy with regard to their lives.

Another friend of mine was struggling at the same time when I wrote this on April 29th, 2011,

"Dear Bella,

I guess that I have made SJ keep her distance. I still haven't heard a single word from her. She was a pivotal point in the crossroads for the rest of my life, and she has vanished. I feel so lucky to have Annie stay with me, but I am also to remain in the shadows of life, where I could have been free as a bird with SJ.

Tonight, I am alone. Annie is with her son, Jeremy, over the weekend. There was a time when I would have gone with her, but there is no one aside from Annie or SJ, who respects me as a person or even knows who I am. When I go to bed, I am alone with my thoughts and the faces of former friends and family, who all stare back at me with hatred and disgust in their eyes. I cannot sleep. I can and I do cry, frequently. This is the life that is available for me, and I will adjust. I am secure, but as in a prison, for I am not free to be myself, nor am I available for others to know me in the flesh.

I wonder what SJ thinks when she is alone. She did not seem to have it in her heart to hurt me, yet she seems to have rejected me, just like everyone who can hear my voice or see me with their eyes, save for Annie. I am a tactile, yet untouchable person. I see beauty everywhere, but no one sees me as a beautiful person.

My greatest worry is that I will die before I can have my name legally changed. I do not wish to be remembered by a name that doesn't fit who I am. That would make my life meaningless. Even so, Annie will be the only person this side of my laptop who understands the loss of Natalae. If it weren't for you and all of my caring friends on SN, I would be worried about me... really worried. But you are my friend, and you and others inside my monitor appreciate me for my true self. What's that worth? Can you see my grateful tears?

I am happy to know that it makes you feel better to write to me Bella. You know that it helps me to write this out of my head too. I think that you are right; "...we are very much alike".

I agree with you, that you should resist your tendency to worry and doubt. In your shoes, I would feel the same insecurity, but after smothering the flame with SJ, I can see where "taking things as they come and trying to not over-think anything anymore" makes perfect sense...

Let's count to three, hold a pillow to our faces and scream!

Another day in the life...

Love,  
Natalae"

There were only two places to turn, inward or outward. Of course, I did both. On the same day that my advice to my friend was 'not to over-think anything', I started focusing on life beyond the borders of my body or of my sphere of influence.
CHAPTER 16 – EQUALITY

On April 29th, 2011 I wrote to a friend,

"... So why is it that there seem to be growing numbers who believe in absurdities, absolutes, and that everyone else is somehow less valuable than themselves? That is what racism is an example of, but there are more examples. I think that people who are racists have the same frame of mind to be homophobes, think they have the right to take a woman's right to choose what's best for her, or think that as long as they are wealthy, so much the better if they have something to gain by exploiting those who make less money (those with inferior wealth). So long as they can value themselves by any metric of their own choosing which supports their view of themselves as superior to others, then they are satisfied that they have authority over others who 'come up short' by the same metric.

How can we compromise in a democracy when there are some who spread untruths about an issue or call for weapons during negotiations in order to win? My hope is that intellect will someday be more powerful than gunpowder; that the good of the many will be seen as a greater need than the good of the few who are the wealthiest among us, or for whatever reason think that they are superior to others. My fear is that it won't.

How is it that our generation with so much promise, so much criticism and skepticism of the "Establishment" could find itself at the helm of a ship headed far off course from what most of us had envisioned when we were young? What happened to "power to the people" (thank you John Lennon)?

Personal greed has led to a continuous loop of concentration of money fueled by the political power of a few; the expense for which was born by those with less money and power, and the potential cost is no less than the loss of our democracy; the greatest representative democracy in human history.

I can see that events may become much uglier from here, if the trend we are watching continues. I am afraid. The potential exists for a holocaust greater than any on record when few of us see the value of most of us.

I voted for President Obama. I had high hopes, and I believe few can do what I HOPE he still can do; galvanize a disenfranchised majority of citizens against an oligarchy of wealth and power which may be his equal or greater in strength. Please, hope with me that my fears will not be the fears of succeeding generations."

The next day, April 30th, 2011 I wrote about inequality,

"Myers-Briggs was a tool thought to measure individual preferences, strengths and weaknesses in order to help individuals assess their comfort at a particular job or career. Although predictive ability has been criticized, the premise is that there are 'different strokes for different folks'. As an example of differences in preferences, my partner loves bookkeeping. She takes care of all of the finances and she's perfectly content to do so. The 'job' that gave me the greatest satisfaction was to volunteer-teach mathematics to 'gifted and talented' students at a public school. I imagine that I would be miserable if I had to do bookkeeping for a living. To me, it seems boring as cardboard, and there would be little interaction with my environment... something I would miss.

Our economic system is highly competitive and rewards greed. Some people excel in such a system. Those same people would probably not excel in a system that rewarded caring for others more than themselves. It's really not difficult to imagine such a system. In fact, if you have a sleepless night or two, you can conclude that there are many economic systems that reward the best of our values and traits, but that we are condemned to participate in the childish one that we have, because it is the only one that we are familiar with. There are others that we know of that have been tried and failed, or have varying degrees of success, but I am talking about the ones that no one else knows of with the exception of yourself. You imagine how it can work perfectly, how happy the people are who develop the best within themselves, and want it to be nominated as the economic system to be exported to Europa (a potentially habitable satellite of Jupiter) someday.

All of this is to say that I respectfully disagree with you that the racists will ever win. They only win if we agree with them that they are somehow better than anyone else is. For every type of person who thinks he is better than someone else is, I can imagine an economic and social system that puts them in the bread line.

George Harrison said in his song, "Isn't it a Pity". "Not too many people can see we're all the same." If we can't someday agree that this phrase is the undisputed truth, then take one more sleepless night to imagine what happens. Actually, you can read about what happened to the women, the infirm, the Jews, the gypsies, the sexual 'deviants', the handicapped and others who were seen to be inferior to Hitler's 'master race'. It was only a blink ago in the eye of history from where we are. That IS what happens.

We should remember history and we should make darn sure that we find a way to occupy the shallow minds of those who disagree with George. The greatness of a country shouldn't be measured by how well we treat the most successful among us, or how well we can segment and discriminate one against the other.

It's almost 6:00 o'clock a.m. another sleepless night."

Sometimes, looking outward was an escape from remembering how small one can feel when viewed by others; while at other times, it was just the opposite. Mutual support among Sisters in a social network was essential to my own survival and then later for my recovery. Some of my friends were dealing with a variety of emotional, psychological, physical, and economic issues due to being born 'girl-in-a-boy' and I always found healing by helping them. On May 1st, 2011 I wrote to one friend,

"I agree with you Kimberly, you are kind, sweet, gentle and caring. I know you. I also feel that we are at the same place in our journey. I love the person that I am too, but sometimes I still feel ashamed; ashamed of how others make me feel about myself by their rejection (children and family especially), and ashamed that I am not as strong and confident as Michelle [a mutual friend] and some of our other friends.

I feel that but for your friendship and others here, my life would be forgotten and without meaning except to my partner. Only Annie has been supportive... to a degree. I am frightened by not knowing if I have the strength, the financial means, or even the legal rights to progress to where I need to be; and I am not even certain where that place of minimum acceptable comfort might be. My greatest fear is that I may pass on before I can legally change my name. It haunts me to know that my legal name doesn't fit who I am and that I might never be remembered.

It helps me to hold on, just by listening to the supportive words of our Sisters here, and by offering my own hopeful wishes for your progress towards happiness. I am happy that you are proud of the precious woman that you are. I am proud of you too, and I am grateful to your friends who care about you and for everyone who understands how it feels to walk in our shoes."

On May 3rd, 2011 I wrote this letter to my friend Colleen in support of a friend, although it was telling of my own psychological state as well,

"... Last week, I couldn't take another sleepless night, and I asked my partner Annie, if she would please sleep with me. I just cannot be alone all of the time. She complied, and I fell right to sleep, and for the entire night. It was the best sleep I have had in a very long time. As I lay there, I just left my pinky on top of her upper arm. It was all I needed to feel safe. I have a queen-size bed and I am pretty small, so I can feel as physically insignificant as most people around me make me feel by their rejection of me.

You may not know Annie. We have been married since 2000, and decided to divorce just last February. We both agreed amicably, that we couldn't find ways to meet the needs of the other. For me, I needed to be treated with some measure of dignity and respect. For her, she needed to escape the closet that had become my home. I am a woman. I have undergone therapy, surgery and hormones to overcome the physical defect that led my parents to the wrong conclusion that I should be raised as a male. Annie can accept me and likes who I am, but only in the privacy of the two of us. As a condition of our relationship, I must pretend to be a man at work and while in her company in public.

We had both agreed that we would still 'be there' for the other following divorce. Annie would live alone, and I would begin a new life as Natalae 'full-time' with a new partner who needed care following several serious health issues. I will call her 'SJ' for her protection. I made two 500-mile trips to learn about her and her environment, and she was eager to start a life with me. She was planning to be here last week. She had made tentative plans early in February. We both needed to know if we could live here or there.

Here, is Annie and some of the finest medical care in the country and she could transfer her position with the same company that she works for. However all in my former family and my own children have abandoned me. There would be no family support here. There, I would have to move more furnishings, look for a job in a colder environment, and be too far away for Annie, but I would enjoy the whole-hearted support of her loving family and be able to live freely as myself, not a small reward.

SJ has simply vanished. She hasn't returned calls or email. She meant a great deal to me, and Annie knew that I wouldn't be able to survive on my own. Annie and I have since renewed our commitment to be the best we can be for each other as life partners.

I recently wrote, "Last weekend, there was a friend here that needed help to get through her depression. I was strong for her, and she sent a kind note to me, thanking me, but as I told her, she helped me through the weekend as well. I had serious trouble dealing with my own emptiness and loneliness. Being needed by someone else was my healing elixir...at least for the moment."

Those were my comments in your story, "Swinging". I was talking about myself, not really 'someone else' I know.

So, I have guarded optimism for a friend who has returned to be with someone who was abusive to her. Also, I am in an imperfect relationship; one where Annie cannot have me in the same company as her son (who used to spend weekends with us regularly) and one where she can feel at home in the company of my former family who won't speak to me. In short, I am not treated with the same dignity and respect that I would demand for you. I sound like a hypocrite, right?

There are social differences for us though, too.

Last week, Annie told me that she thinks I was born into the wrong century. But all I really want is to be someone that someone else wants to be with – a friend. I just want to be a friend. I don't have bad habits or bad manners, and I can keep Annie laughing (after I have had enough sleep). Still, she must be right, but what century would I be able to choose and find the 'right century' for me?

Sometimes, I feel like my world grows smaller while the anger and the politics of the day feed legions of those who will hurt me if given the chance. I saw a horrifying video over the weekend of a transsexual woman who was beaten by two women patrons in a Baltimore McDonald's recently. It left me in tears and it haunts my memory. Even Annie cried when she saw it.

My chance for dignity and respect in my lifetime may have vanished along with SJ. My life is about finding beauty in small ways and making sincere friends with those who cannot hear, see, or touch me. It is not easy for me. I am seriously depressed and I think thoughts that I have to suppress sometimes, but I will be here for you. I took to heart what you had written on my 'Whiteboard'; "Excellent. We are here for one another. That is a good plan."

"How love is supposed to be"?

Annie won't say that she loves me, she is a heterosexual woman. She isn't supposed to love me, but maybe she does anyway. I will always love her, even though I feel disrespected and abused at times. Aside from Annie and SJ, no one knows who I am this side of my monitor. If you get a sense that I love you too, well, it's because I do. I love you and everyone who is open-hearted enough to call me their friend.

He left you, but I won't.

Love,  
Natalae"

On May 8th, 2011 in a letter of support to another friend, I mentioned insecurities that many people who transition share.

"I am not at all surprised by your conclusion, that you will never be too old to transition. I know that you are very strong. You know that you can always count on my moral support! Personally, I think those who express their poor taste and bad manners by suggesting that you are not pretty be forgiven for what they lack. You are pretty, but even more importantly; you are also a beautiful person, Cate.

That said; you bring up something that I think is very important, but often ignored. Not all of us are young enough, or healthy enough, or have enough resources to make all of the changes we wish for, or NEED. Some of us will struggle with non-conformity of mind, spirit and body in some degree for the rest of our lives.

It is a struggle for anyone to find happiness and personal awareness. As a group, most of us have our own specific additional challenges that, under the best of circumstances, require our mutual support of each other in order to achieve those goals. Still, within our group, most of us have personal challenges that thwart our passionate wishes and dreams to become true to ourselves physically as well as socially... and legally. In addition, we all know the dangers we face in an increasingly right-wing conservative political and social environment (e.g. the recent attack at a Baltimore McDonald's upon Chrissy Polis (also of interest are the hate-filled comments from some readers)).

I agree with you, and we should all act in ways "...to help those who are with [us] now and, hopefully, smooth the path for those who follow." Some of us are strong enough to go it alone. I am certainly among those who cannot make it alone and I depend on you and our other Sisters for support and for strength when I am feeling frightened or weak or rejected or lonely... and sometimes defeated.

Your strength and your victories help all of us. Your reach back to lend a hand is even more inspirational..."

Also on May 8th, 2011 in another letter of support to a friend, I wrote,

"Jeepers Colleen,

... You must know that I will never pass judgment on you. You paint a bleak picture of yourself sitting and pleading, but you know that I am no different from you in that way. I can do many things, but I would not survive being alone for very long. I try to be strong, but I cannot be so always, or even often.

Today is a good day. Last night, as Annie and I were about to go to our separate bedrooms, I jokingly asked her where she was going to sleep. As she stepped out to the porch to have a smoke (I don't smoke), she said that she will sleep where her glass of water and her alarm clock is. Naturally, I raced to her bedroom, crossed the forbidden threshold, stole her alarm clock and glass of water and placed them on the nightstand way over there, on the other side of my bed. As I was brushing my teeth, Annie said that she would have to sleep in here, and so went to get her pillow (none of the five on my bed will do, I guess). She doesn't do this for herself. She does it for me.

I think of what you wrote and I agree that marriage as an institution is at least strained to near irrelevancy. Many people would disagree that what Annie and I have is a marriage, although we are legally married. Still, however one would define what we have, in fact we do have security and commitment.

There was only one perfect person for Annie, and he is gone. That is how she feels. I am the uninvited girlfriend who appeared as he vanished. I have started a book that describes the parts in between and before. She likes the heart in the person I am, and it is better that she has a roommate that she can trust to be her strongest advocate, and to 'be there' for her under any circumstances than for her to be alone. We dovetail the responsibilities of living seamlessly, and we care about each other and we make wonderful friends when we are alone, but that is where it stops.

We don't take photos and we don't go anywhere together to have fun. Like you, it sometimes makes me feel 'belittled', or that Annie is so ashamed of me that she doesn't want to be seen with me. I don't think I fool anyone at work or when I am with Annie in public dressed in a man's garb. Annie no longer shudders when people call us 'ladies', but I know that she feels the sting of embarrassment (god, I wish she didn't).

I am who I am, but I had grown accustomed to feeling respected by my many friends and family that I once had. Now they, and even my children, no longer even think of me...

I like your quote, "In this life we are defined by the choices we make." I would add some caveats though: We are partially defined by our environments, including the people who enter and leave, as well as those who enter and stay in our lives. I think a version of the quote that feels better to me is, 'In this life we are defined by others, for we cannot judge ourselves. Others probably judge us based upon the perceived choices that we make and with little regard for the context of our decisions, and with little or no regard for the environments where those perceived choices were made, or for the lives of others who have touched or become a part of us.' Most people simply define me by 'what' they think that I am, not who I am.

My greatest fear is that I will pass on before my name can be legally changed. Think of the horror to know that your life will be forever misrepresented by your name. I guess I need to amend my version of your quote above to include, that others define us by our name, and what images and feelings our name evokes to them.

I am happy and I support your decision to 'take your life back'. I am looking for equilibrium, to be myself and to engage the world as much as I can, without stepping on Annie's toes, and without becoming the next victim of a hate crime. Wherever 'equilibrium' leads me, I whole-heartedly agree with you on one point; it is friendship that makes life bearable. Hold on to my hand and I will pick you up a little. Don't let go, I need you too...

Forget waking to tears from his memory. Look at me smile at you.

: )

Natalae"

Even while supportive to others, I was very lonely, as was Annie. On May 8th, 2011 in response to a friend's story of her experience going into the country and turning into a farm that advertised honey for sale, I wrote,

"I think of how lonely and isolated I can feel sometimes. Your 'honey' man out in the country, whose home is too far from the road to be seen, there at the end of a long broken driveway, reminds me. How easy it would be to read that old sign and drive on by without ever stopping, but no... you turned in, swallowed your insecurity at being alone in such a lonely place, and you lit the lamp of someone's soul by sharing yourself with him. He sounds like a wonderful loving and caring person.

How tragic would it be that he should spend his time without having the smiles and the memories that you have given him, and that he may have been forgotten by everyone if you hadn't saved him for us and for yourself?

I guess it's true that our lives are what they are supposed to be, and that wishing that things could be different, or that we should have taken the left fork instead of the right, is simply nonsense. Conversely, it must also be true then, that the people we meet in our life's journey are the people we are supposed to enrich and be enriched by. I got to meet your friend with the big heart. Thank you for that. Thank you also for turning in at my driveway."

That same day, May 8th, 2011, a friend had written a story which inspired me to write about the view of Annie's and James' relationship from the perspective of others,

"It takes an artist to express that which others may take for granted, or that they could never see for themselves. I have never seen with clearer eyes, all that goes on by holding hands. I remember how I felt, holding her hand in public – and we held each other's hand everywhere we went together. I was so enamored by her that I hardly noticed others. She felt the same about me. She wouldn't have to say, because I could see it in her beautiful blue eyes. Now that time for holding her hand in public is past for me; but in my mind, I can see us from the perspective of others, thanks to you. I am sure that others must have been inspired by how in-love two people could seem to be, that they could thoroughly enjoy each other's company and lock eyes in the way we so often did.

Neither of us seemed to need to shout it from the rooftops, but we did, nonetheless. I am a hopeless romantic, and I will always love her, but quietly now. Thank you Colleen, for giving added dimension to my personal beautiful memories."

On May 11th, 2011 I wrote to a friend about our financial situation,

"Work has been a little scary here. Annie is still home after six or so weeks [medical leave], and there were six people who were fired at my job. There seems to be no such thing as security of any kind, job or otherwise. That said; Annie and I are doing well, although little has changed regarding my acceptance in the real world. We are taking things very slowly and cautiously. It is important to maintain the respect and friendship that we have in our own company. I won't be looking to expand my 'circle' anytime soon.

I am so very lonely, but at least Annie understands, and she tries to help. I have also been so depressed that I won't even try to describe it. I think that I am getting better now. Annie picked up an herbal pill that is helping me to sleep a little longer and that may be just what I need to climb back up.

I think of you every day, Bella.

Natalae"

SJ had been gone from my life for months when on May 11th, 2011 I wrote to a friend about her and how my life had changed in her wake,

"Dear Bella,

... Things are better for me. Thank you for saying that you are glad that I have Annie. I told her what you said and it made her feel happy. She knows how much you mean to me.

I will always have fond memories of SJ. She has given so much to me. She has vanished and I can move on, but I wish that I knew that she was happy. Ironically, her last email to me was a gift of the Michael Jackson song, "I'll Be There". That was February 13th, 2011. Since SJ has left, Annie has become more accepting of me, and she cares about me.

Bella, I guess that we both have pain of sorts that we have to endure for a while, your kidney and my dark corner. I take solace that you know about this shadowy figure better than most, and that you care about me. It helps to me to be strong before those who have condemned me to this place. I only hope that my thoughts and prayers for your health and happiness help to sustain you and those who you care about most.

Love,  
Natalae"

On May 14th, 2011 I found some reason for optimism in my life,

"... As I read your story, I could identify with your feelings of losing your self-esteem and confidence. I see from a long distance in time, but your 'self' must have been right under your nose the whole way here. Just look at you, here you are! You didn't have to find your 'self', your soul, right?

I am finally feeling my insecurities through rejection by others fade. The value of 'me' as I perceived through the eyes of those others, was worthless. I am smiling more often now and I feel like I am ready to engage life again. I am not the same person that I have always been, but I have never lost my sense of 'self'. We learn and we grow. Whether you agree with me or not, I have this identical feeling now, that you had when you wrote this, "Maybe I will meet some new people and make some new friends. Maybe some of them will discover that I am delightful, and full of life, and ready to love. Maybe they will find that they cannot resist me, ha-ha.

Perhaps I am slowly finding my stride once again. I may even find that everything is going to be just fine. I find this invigorating and self-affirming, just by writing this. I have found my voice...

Eureka." Thank you for your healing words."

The social network on-line had given me the only friends, but also the best friends who I could know, aside from Annie. On May 22nd, 2011 I wrote this acknowledgment,

"For me, the attraction for SN over other social media is anonymity, although reasonable people disagree about whether that asset is an illusion. I am not in a position where socialization in my physical environment is convenient, or even safe in my present circumstance. Sometimes, I am more lonely and depressed than I care to describe. I suppose that you, in particular, might imagine how I appreciate the dear friends I have here more than words can say.

I try to keep the number of my friends small enough in order for me to correspond with each of them on a somewhat regular basis. Even so, my terribly slow keyboard skills make that difficult for me. I cannot comment about the merits or the weaknesses of 'Facebook', but I know that relationships happen here, which have made my computer the most personally valuable thing that I own.

SN is not perfect. It is frustrating for me when a friend needs help and I am not able to do more than to wish, and hope, and pray for them. However, my life is enriched by you and by others who touch me with their minds and spirits, and I feel accepted and appreciated by those who know me on the other side of my monitor. Here, I am a part of a social fabric that allows my life to have some meaning. Thank you for reminding me to count my blessings... and welcome home."

On that same day, May 22nd, 2011 I was inspired to write something more personal to a friend on SN and about the pain of living day-to-day under the tension of being alone or with Annie, or with others who were less tolerant or accepting of me,

"I feel so lucky to know you and to share so many thoughts and feelings that few others know. This is a difficult path and there is pain in each and in every step, but there is also light. Balancing the pain to others and personal gain is incredibly taxing. Sometimes, just knowing that you understand is what I need to keep from crying until I run dry."

On May 25th, 2011 I made the same point to another supportive friend,

"Kimberly, you are one of the most kind-hearted and caring people that I have ever known. As you know, my path is not so different from your own, and I have benefitted from your kindness and support during times when I felt weak... or defeated. I have also read your comments which help to guide and support others who walk with us. I am proud that you call me your friend. You help me to find beauty in myself that few others can see. Sometimes, it is critical to be able to say that someone cares, and your gift to me and to others is an enduring link in our Sisterhood of support. I wish you weren't so far away too, but I smile whenever I think of you."

Another friend wrote to me and I responded May 29th, 2011 disagreeing about people being defined solely by the choices that they make. My letter also illustrates how real and personal relationships develop, even when we cannot use all of our senses to discern them with,

"You are right and you are wrong:

Circumstances catalyze our behavior by prompting us to adapt to our environment by making choices. Some of us are better or luckier at making the most of what we are given, but that says nothing about who we are. In a different environment we might be better or worse at making the best choices; so I agree that you are not the sum of your circumstances. While we all would like to think that we know whom we are, our view of 'self' is subjective, and therefore flawed. As unsettling as it seems then, it is the perspectives of others about us that are most accurate. When our lives are over, the truth of 'who we are' will be the summation of what is remembered in the hearts and minds of those who have known us, and our impact on our environment. That will be our story.

I respectfully disagree that love cannot transcend anything, although I know from personal experience that it sometimes doesn't. There is nothing romantic about how I feel about you, Colleen, but you are my friend and I love you; I don't judge you. I won't fault you for the choices that you make. If you could see who you are through my eyes, you wouldn't worry at all that there is nothing that you can do about my perspective of you. I am proud to know who you are, and I will always love you, friend."

That same day May 29th, 2011 I had enough self-esteem to again think about others, and I wrote this story.

SPEAK OUT!

"I usually go through the motions, functioning quite well in my daily life, though only Annie and you know who I am. When I go to bed and close my eyes, that is when it hits me; the scowling faces of disapproval from my children and family, the angry right-wing conservative politicians who want everyone who is different from themselves to suffer a fate that begins with fewer civil rights than they have, in order to preserve their arrogant and vain notion that they are better than those they seek to diminish, and those nameless and faceless individuals and groups of people who would shoot to kill, torture or maim others who they describe not as people, but only as the labels they impose to dehumanize them in order to prepare themselves to shun or to deliver violence.

I cannot sleep at all without aid. There is little distance between intolerant attitudes and violent behavior. The space around me when I am alone is threatening and I cannot sleep in fear. Whenever I leave the sanctuary and prison of my home, I am acutely aware that any stranger can turn into an attacker. I used to wonder sometimes if I am paranoid, but I know that fear diminishes proportionately as one advances upward in general social acceptance. For example, a man is less apt to be vigilant about his surroundings in a parking lot than a woman, who may be smaller in stature or less apt to fend off an attacker. However, women also can present themselves as a violent force to be reckoned with, to those of us who find we are on a lower rung of social status. The following is a video that has haunted me from the first time that I saw it. It is graphic, and you may choose not to watch, or to keep your cursor over the stop button:

 www.bilerico.com/2011/04/transwoman_severely_beaten_at_baltimore_mcdonalds.php

I know that I am equally adept at defending myself as the poor soul who is beaten to near death in the video; and I cry out in sympathy for her pain and for the social degradation and injustice suffered by her.

In the scheme of societal hierarchy, transsexuals fall somewhere near or at the very bottom. We are few in numbers and have little representation or even social recognition... except here at SN, and except here in my home with my partner, Annie.

Last night, when I was about to go to bed I told Annie about a thought I had. I told her that, although my electrologist and I have a wonderful personal relationship (I have seen her weekly for almost a year), she is fully immersed in her Christian life and is conservative in her political views. I remarked that it would be likely that she would pretend not to recognize me if she saw me about while she was with friends shopping. Annie bristled, "Whenever you go down that road, you take me with you." She went on to explain that I am not the only person or group who feels threatened by others. She reminded me that when she fills up her car with fuel, she first makes sure that the driver's door is the only one that is unlocked; so that someone won't sneak into the back seat and attack her later. She has lived in a community where that has happened.

Almost instantly her words had given me strength. She was right. I was selfishly seeing myself as a victim. Suddenly, I took pride in the role that I have to play in our world: I am as real and as valuable as each of us is, and each of us has equal value. Those of us who are unable to see that we are all the same, despite our differences in color, gender, or any other parameter that might distinguish us, will become obvious to those who witness their behavior. If, by our mere existence, we provoke the attempts by some at hurting others through legislation, shunning, or violence, then there is potential for the rest of us to rationalize right from wrong behavior, and for all of us all to speak out, for we condone the acts of those who hurt others if we say nothing.

For the first time in years, I slept easier last night. I have less to worry about, as long as I remember that if I should become the victim of violence because of how someone feels about 'what' I am to them, I will have drawn attention to that person and others will judge him or her. Further, I will have taken punishment away from someone else, who deserves to be hurt no more than I do.

Here in the US, we are about to celebrate Memorial Day, the day that we set aside to remember those who have given of themselves in order to defend and protect our nation. One of the most memorable phrases in our Declaration of Independence from Britain was, "We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all [people] are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness."

Please, let all of us everywhere learn to love one another as our equal so that we can all pursue happiness, and accept our responsibility to speak out against those who promote the idea that they are 'more equal' than some others."

In response to comments by friends who read my story I followed up with...

"Thanks to you and to my other friends here, I do share in this life, even though it is less than a full measure in some ways. I don't mind that you didn't watch the video, but it wasn't as torturous as the experience that Mathew Shepard died from (which she mentioned). I didn't see the hateful remarks that were once posted below the video when I went back to post it here. Some of them were as disgusting as the acts of violence were.

The really good news in my story is the second-to-last paragraph. I feel freer, just knowing that I have a place and a purpose, even if I should have to suffer at the hands of others. The freedom comes from not worrying so much then, if something were ever to happen to me while I am just experiencing my allotment of life being true to myself.

Mine is a tough life? No. Every life is unique and I won't complain about my own. The life which I have is what I am supposed to have; I think we should each believe that. There is no need to feel sorry for me. I am so enriched by you and other friends, and by my own experiences, good and not so good. You know personally that your strength helps me and I am aware of other people in the course of my work, who manage with less than I feel I need. None of us has to look far to see suffering greater than our own.

All of us take some responsibility to make sure that no one has to suffer beyond certain thresholds. That is what relief agencies, charities, and government social programs are for. But some suffer socially, like me, in equal and differing situations and circumstances. As more of us speak out when we see unacceptable behavior, fewer people will feel marginalized.

There is much that I am grateful for, but there is little that I am more grateful for than the acceptance I have found in your company and in the company of others here. My wish is for everyone to be able to feel accepted and equally valued for the beauty in their soul and the purpose in their heart, that for different proportions makes us all equally beautiful and equally valuable.

I am in great company when I am with you, and I couldn't agree with you more, "The world is for all of us to share." We all just have to speak out for that to happen."

... And,

"... The truth is that I read your comment just before I went to bed last night. I wanted to say something right away, but I was so sleepy and I knew that I would be up too late if I had. As I lay there with my eyes closed and thinking of what you had written, the imagery of your face lighting up at the shopping mall and you running to greet me became one of the most potent feelings of being publically accepted that I could ever dream. I couldn't sleep for hours and I was smiling every minute. I will always keep the imagery close as I did all day long.

... You are so bright and bring such joy to so many people, that it is easy to forget that you can feel the same fear of others that I do. I remember when you spoke out about someone that you felt was being treated unfairly, and I called you a hero then.

A common thread among us all seems to be interest in helping each other to feel accepted, and supporting each other when we need help. If only our feelings could go viral and everyone could see past the minutiae differences between us that enrich us all, and speak out for those in need of care and support..."

On June 2nd, 2010 I responded to another friend's story about people being rude to herself and her young child while at a parade. My response in her defense demonstrates some recovery in personal strength but which was projected outwards and was highly critical of society in general.

"Gee, I hate saying this, but manners and social graces, along with language skills and even civility are becoming relics of the past. Maybe it's you and me (I am equally 'sappy' or polite), or maybe we were raised in a social environment where we greeted strangers in the hall with a smile and a warm "Hello" or a "Good morning" instead of staring at the ground or worse, talking on our cell phones and pretending that we aren't in the company of others. How many of those younger than us have grown up hearing intentionally bad grammar and nuanced words in television (I mean 'TV') commercials? It wasn't all that long ago when a heartfelt, "I am so sorry!" has been modernized, minimized, and depersonalized into the cliché, "My bad" (I really hate that one!).

I am on the telephone much of the time that I am at work. Have you noticed the decay in telephone etiquette? Some still greet a call with a "Hello", but often there will be silence or, "Who IS this!" I will spare us all from commenting on annoying voice messages and the frequency of swearing.

The most disturbing thing to me is that the decline in civility and social skills seems inversely proportionate to advancing technology. In a few years, I predict that most of us will be cave dwellers blasting other cavers with laser-tazers to settle disputes, and watching 4-d movies to relieve the stress of a long day of hunting and gathering. Words will be replaced with text message equivalents and the newest dictionary would be forty pages in twelve-point font (but it won't be printed anyway).

Our society is about to have a discussion about what to do with Medicare (don't worry seniors we are only planning that all who follow you will need to figure out how to be 'rugged individualists', so that we can wash our hands of what was once our social responsibility. Let them eat cake and die from lack of healthcare or medications that would keep them alive) and education (while we all recognize that we are beneath just about every industrialized country in this regard, and we know that education is the key tool to make our country competitive in the future, let's cut access to college and good teachers from classrooms) all in order that we can empower the most powerful among us.

Forget the tape next year at parade time. Perhaps barbed wire and a periscope?

Sorry, but I cannot stand the thought of the people who make the world a better place; people like you, being replaced by those in a race to pre-history.

Let's build some world class attractions that make the pyramids look like Lincoln-log cabins, repair and maintain our infrastructure, and use the technology at hand to make and improve our energy production and consumption – NOW. There is no reason for anyone who wants to work to be unemployed. Does anyone remember the WPA, TVA or any other of the myriad acronyms that represented our government's economic investment in our future between 1933 and 1939 following the stock market crash in 1929? Does anyone doubt the efficacy of Roosevelt's plan for a 'New Deal'? By the way, the Fair Labor Standards Act (1938), which set maximum hours and minimum wages, was also a part of the New Deal, which will no doubt soon be debated along with loss of collective bargaining in so many states today.

The way forward seems clear. We don't need to worry about the deficit as much as we need to recover from physical, political and social decay. Economic recovery will follow economic investment. The 'New Deal' philosophy was based on Relief for the unemployed and poor, Recovery of the economy, and Reform of the financial system to prevent a repeat depression (the '3-R's).

For my money, it sounds like a greater hope for making this world Colleen and daughter friendly, than by taking from those who have too little in order to pack the pockets of those who already have too much money, wield too much power, and care too little about their brothers and sisters..."

In response to her comment to what I had written, I wrote back on June 3rd, 2011,

"... I agree that there is hope, proven by the election of our President, but the opposition is balancing on the right edge, and compromise from there can only take us right...and down. Societal gains from the New Deal (worker's rights/financial reform) and the Great Society (social equality) are about to become dismantled. In my own state, legislators are debating whether recognition of same sex couples should be banned as a part of the constitution (not even a debate whether we should have a debate allowing same sex couples). My neighboring state of Wisconsin is still reeling after legislators tried to strip collective bargaining rights from workers, and another neighboring state is making access to abortion effectively impossible. This is just my neck of the woods.

This blatant attack on the middle class has already become viral among the states, even while the issues of revenue and jobs are crippling economic recovery. If anyone has the potential to pull us back from the brink, we are lucky to have Obama with us, but it seems a lot to expect from anyone to turn the tide. If he cannot meet the challenge, then I stand by my prediction, there will only be haves and have-nots. If that happens, I expect continuing cultural decay and social intolerance in both groups until some enlightened souls remember what happens when someone decides that we need a 'master race', and that those who don't measure up can be used for their own pleasure or gain, or can be wasted.

I had written with some sarcasm about the future. I don't really think we will be in caves, but the potential is here and now for changes to our society that deepen cultural incivility. Just as in Hitler's Germany, some of us will have cause to be frightened before others. I am scared now..."

I felt as powerful as the future appeared perilous though, and I was also grateful for what I had. One day later my thoughts were closer to home. On June 4th, 2011 I wrote a story about Annie which summed up recent events to my friends called,

WHO DO YOU THINK OF WHEN YOU THINK OF THE WORD – COMPASSION?

"I am different from you, and I am happy about that. Similarly, you and I are each different from everyone else. We are made from the same 'star stuff' (Carl Sagan) that everything is made from, and some other 'stuff' that is even less tangible, things like hope, love, dreams, commitment, honesty... on and on. Negative personal qualities also distinguish us, things like a quick temper, or propensity to ridicule or to behave violently towards others.

I appreciate our differences. They distinguish us from each other, and you enrich me; as I trust the essence of me enriches the lives of those whom I touch. We connect, interact, empathize, care about, love... and we learn from one another. We are each an equal part of the whole of humanity.

I write from my heart and the truth of my own words seems indisputable to me, of course. I also know that truth can only be measured by others objective vs. my subjective view. The truth is that there are many who disagree with me. They quietly or openly argue that heritage, skin pigmentation, and even hair styles are clear signs of delineation; them vs. us. They put intangible barriers (religious beliefs, stereotypical myths and labels, financial security, etc.) between themselves and the other groups of people whom they place on a social scale of less than equal.

Less than equal...

Isn't it interesting that those who think others are less than equal lack something themselves that the rest of us take for granted – compassion? Compassion requires the ability to step within the shoes of another and imagine their circumstances...

Enter Annie.

Annie and I have been married for many years. Former family members who have banned me from any social or written contact have strongly suggested to Annie that she would also be better off without my company. They are a big part of Annie's life. She was warmly received from the start, and her warmth was appreciated by them as well. Annie sympathizes with the pain that my family has dealt with after learning that I had been born 'girl-in-a-boy', but made it clear that she would not tolerate incendiary discussions concerning me.

Now, I could go on for pages about the physical and emotional toll that the loss of my family had on me, but for each page there would be one more that I would write for how what was happening to me affected Annie too. In fact, Annie's suffering began much longer ago, to the very day that I became honest with myself that I could no longer live as I had. The future of our marriage was uncertain for years from then. What was certain was that we were no longer the husband and wife couple, but roommates with customary physical and social boundaries.

In August 2010, I was still fending off feelings that I had no value as a person whatsoever from the loss of my family and children, when I discovered SN and found my social home away from home, the only 'place' where I could be myself when not in the exclusive company of Annie.

Within a very short time, I was feeling the thrill of being socially accepted; that goes beyond having equality in social rights, privileges, and responsibilities, to feeling appreciated for having equal value. I hope that you can think for a moment about what that meant to me. I struggle to find the words that might help to describe it, but it was critical to my emotional survival and sense of self-worth. My new-found anonymous 'safe haven' had benefits for Annie too. She needed the 'me time' that my new activity gave to her. Neither of us was happy though. Compromise for both of us led to a place that was painful for each of us to stay in.

I met someone on SN whom I developed strong feelings for, and almost unfathomably to me, her feelings mirrored my own. I will call her SJ. She lived 500 miles away from me. We seemed to have so much in common, and she was a beautiful person. Annie supported our relationship and I visited SJ on two occasions. It was closing in on the day when SJ would come here to stay for a while in order for us to decide whether she should move here, or if I should move there.

Annie and I had already mutually agreed to divorce and Annie was looking forward to meeting SJ in person. Annie asked me, and I went with her to help her decide which new place she would soon call her home.

Annie wanted SJ to move to our city for the three of us to stay close, but SJ had family support that I lacked, and they would welcome me. Think of it... I could have a family again and I would live without hiding if I moved, but I would always miss Annie's company.

Sleepless nights followed sleepless nights as I agonized over the crossroads that would forever impact my life, as well as SJ's and Annie's. The only road that I absolutely could not go down was to live the rest of my life alone. I couldn't take the loneliness and the fear from others who might act on the emotional or social barriers that they created or inherited.

SJ never came here. Just as if she had always been an illusion, SJ had vanished. I will never know if it was something that I said or did, or if she just became aware of something about me that she found disagreeable. Perhaps she felt that she just couldn't compete with the feelings I have for Annie and that Annie feels for me. The fact was she was gone from my life. I don't fault her. My life simply is, and she played an influential part which I will always remember. Still, I felt rejected... again, and I would have to come to terms with living my nightmare... of being alone.

Oh, but not so fast. Remember, this story is about compassion.

There was one soul whose compassion outweighed even the years of suffering because of my own. Annie looked away from her life free from all of the encumbrances that being with me brought to her, and past all of the encouragement of her family, her friends and her co-workers, and even my own children to leave me, in order to look back and see me in a different light.

I have always and will always love Annie. Annie has never doubted that, and SJ understood that too. Annie and I trust each other and she has learned to like me and to be my friend. In fact, we have renewed our commitment to each other. There is no romance and no physical intimacy, but there are many ways that we find to enrich each other's life. We are still working at making the best of our lives for the benefit of us both. We are patient with each other and we will always be there for the other. She has already proven that to me, and I am certain as I am alive that I will always be there for her."

Annie and I were both politically liberal people who value others in our lives and we cared a great deal for each other. She knew me better than anyone else, and even though she loved her husband, she liked and respected me and loved me (albeit a different love). We appreciated each other enough to commit to longevity and to compromise for our security.

In answer to a friend's comment to my story, I wrote,

"Janis,

... I recently posted this little trick as a comment to a friend's story. It helps me to deal with the haunting memories that usually torment me at night as I close my eyes to sleep; "I take scowling or disapproving faces of people who set me apart from themselves and I think the word, and I see the image of 'dinosaur'. The imagery attaches something ugly to something frightening, yet gone forever. Interestingly, I usually end up thinking of 'Barney.' The truth is that something threatening is associated to something extinct, is associated to something completely harmless and which elicits a smile.

It works as well as aspirin on a broken heart sometimes, but I hope that with repetition, it will ease the pain of the hole in my soul....And I did choose the word 'threatening'. The attempts at separating loved ones from me (my children and Annie), were more painful to me than slings and arrows, or even the hateful beating that I referenced in the last story that I wrote. Violence is a stone's throw away from intolerance; how far would you say it is for a person who lacks compassion and the desire to use reasoning over the affirmation of their personal beliefs, to become intolerant of people that they don't even care to understand?

I feel sorry for people who lack the enlightenment or the awareness of compassion. When I think of my own children (who will be 29 and 31 this year), I wonder how they can possibly deal with what has been lost between us, should they ever come to understand reason vs. belief after I am gone. We have always been so close, as I have been to the rest of my former family.

One important note: I failed to mention the loving support that I enjoy from my sister and my mother, who have both passed on before they were aware that my name changed from masculine to Natalae. I am blessed by their smiling faces every day. "

The seeds were sown for more personal debate and clarity concerning reason vs. belief.

In response to another's comment on the same story I added,

"Sometimes, all that we can do to cope is to put a smiling face on what haunts us. Joking about something that haunts you and me (hate crimes) is really no different from what I have done with the use of an imaginary stuffed dinosaur. One thing that does happen, when I see the torment that you and others experience because of the short-sightedness and narrow-mindedness and the hypocrisy of those who surround us in ever increasing numbers, is a change of my personal fears into a stronger desire to advocate for change so that this insanity can be turned around.

I know you, and I cannot stand the idea that someone could torture you in the same cruel way as that young girl tied to a tree, simply because of her beliefs, any more than I can help but feel the pain of anyone stripped of their rights, dignity, or their lives simply because of the differences between themselves and others, which should be celebrated.

Soap box aside, I must say that If I have to feel surrounded and the circle tightening, I am happy to be among some of the most compassionate people whom I have ever known. Perhaps the day will come when young students will only read about and never witness how people who were of a particular faith, gender, sexual orientation, afflicted with mental or physical disease, and differing physical ability... practically any distinguishing group who were made slaves, tortured or put to death.

Before that day can happen, people need to realize that increasing numbers of us seem to be walking backwards toward the time when this poem was written by Martin Niemöller (1892–1984):

First they came for the Jews

And I didn't speak out because I wasn't a Jew.

Then they came for the trade unionists

And I didn't speak out because I wasn't a trade unionist.

Then they came for the communists

And I didn't speak out because I wasn't a communist.

Then they came for me

And there was no one left to speak out for me.

Please, let's not go there again. 'Those who don't learn history are doomed to repeat it'. Those are not my words, but I believe the statement is true enough. World War II was not a long time ago. How is it possible that we haven't learned from it?"

I added this in response to a question about Annie and I from the story; a friend asked if life's changes were a defining moment. I wrote,

"Defining moment for Annie and me? Not really. Annie has always known, even through the certainty of our impending divorce, that she will never find as ardent a supporter as she has in me. The door that closed, SJ moving on alone or with another, may have helped Annie to see me more clearly. She calls me by my name, and she genuinely sees ME now; not the differences between who I am and who I was. Most importantly, she likes me and we both are confident that we will be partners in life. I have much to be grateful for, don't I?"

On June 5th, 2011 I came across a highly judgmental comment from a religious perspective to a story written by a friend. In response to the comment, I wrote,

"For those who find truth in what they read, please remember that in every case, but especially when mistakes or fault has already been found within the text, to do some additional research. Also, remember that reasoning is a gift to us from the Creator regardless of persuasion, religious or not. We choose to be ignorant and disrespectful when we choose not to use this gift and to accept only what we are told to believe as the truth.

It is also a good idea to trust that others are the best judge for what is right for themselves, 'lest ye be judged by others'... right?"

I could feel passion and a sense of both duty and conviction coursing through my veins to stand up to those who would oppress us for the differences that they chose to see between us.

Even while I started to feel strong and in support of others to be accepted in society, the emotional toll on Annie had been great with the recent loss of her mother, the very recent loss of her younger brother, and our own struggles to cope with our evolving relationship. Her doctor required her to take some time away from work. While management at her company was aware of the circumstances and supportive at the onset, they wrongfully fired her one week after her return on June 9th, 2011. She had been at their employ for eight years of her twenty-six year career.

Imagine how the news of losing a job while ill would affect one who is trying to recover from a barrage of life's blows and struggling to roll with her punches. By the way, it wasn't just the job that went away, it was medical insurance which covers her doctor's appointments and our prescription medications, and it also threatened our ability to stay in the place that we had called our home for the past three years.

Once upon a time the work environment where Annie worked kept her engaged and invigorated. She had a stimulating and productive time at work almost every day, and she would talk with me about it when she came home. However, over the past three years their support for us had faded and management changed to empower those who demonstrated the poorest people skills and least ability to show compassion for others.

Annie had never been one to complain, and when I would ask how her day went, I would nearly always hear the same tired response, "Okay, I guess..." I have been encouraging Annie to find another job within her career but I think that for all of the changes already happening, Annie was content to thicken her skin and endure the unfriendly crucible of her job environment each day.

When I heard the news that she was fired, I was truly happy because Annie deserves to be in the company of those who can appreciate the wonderful qualities, and personal skills that she brings with her. The loss of employment for her was a forced change for the better. Still, the people that she had worked with for years turned away from her due to no reason or fault with her, and she felt humiliated and abandoned. I remembered those feelings well, and I felt them again too, with her.

The glass was half full...

It was easy to feel motivated and to come to the defense of someone like Annie. I forgot my own insecurities when I had a friend in need or when an injustice was done to someone, and this was a case where both circumstances were true.

I reminded Annie that our lease would be up in August and that we needed to give a sixty-day notice of intent to leave. The timing couldn't be better, because management just announced another rental increase this year. My employer had demonstrated their appreciation of me last week, which was helpful to us both while we were feeling financially vulnerable. Annie was also free to pursue other interesting careers after spending so much of her life in the same profession. Also on the bright side, it would be much better to be looking for a new home and a new job while still in the summer than in the Minnesota winter. We had an extra vehicle to sell so we would be able to 'buy time' to adjust and to adapt.

Life was still good although Annie and I were both struggling to cope with the events to date and she still needed time to recover completely. It was helpful for her to see me supporting her both financially and emotionally. It also helped me to feel stronger knowing that I was needed in a crisis.

Two days after she was fired, I wrote a story on June 11th, 2011 called "Upside Down Land" which captured both my appreciation for Annie and my hopeful ideals for social equality.

UPSIDE DOWN LAND

"Some, if not most, people might choose an expensive foreign wine over a less expensive domestic wine, especially if given the choice while someone else was purchasing it. There is something to be said for the imagery of a 'fine wine' coming from say, southern France or Italy. After the 'pop' of the cork and the 'glug glug' of the wine from the bottle into the glass, one can hold the glass at eye level, swirl the colorful liquid in a dim light, and then sniff the complex concoction for hints of the soils and scents from the air where the grapes grew. The first sip dispatches the mystery and satiates our senses.

I love wine, but only have it in small quantities and almost exclusively with a fine dinner. I think that having it as a relatively rare treat makes the ritual and experience of it even sweeter. My partner loves wine too, but her appreciation for it dims in comparison for her love of coffee. Annie's love for coffee is not at all affected by her frequency of drinking it. Annie is usually within reach of a cup.

You will understand then, why I go to extremes to bring her only the finest coffee. I usually greet her at the door when she comes home from somewhere, or wake her on a weekend morning with, "I got the best coffee ever! You are not going to believe where I had to go to get it." Then the story follows about how I started out with a truckload from Madagascar and only managed enough for one pot by the time I made it back home because of customs, or I had to sling-shot around the sun into a black-hole for the only black-hole coffee ever known.

I suppose that I take more joy from the ritual that I started than Annie does, but I always think that I am giving the same value-add that import vs. domestic has with wine, plus, I love to think of the stories. Annie has her fun too. When I have to work late and she has to make her own coffee, she always shows off how good her coffee tastes. "It can't be THAT good!" I protest.

Last night my coffee sensing lobe directed me to go deeper into outer space than I have been so far, to a planet called Upside Down Land (UDL) around that other star in that galaxy (you know that one kind of up and over...). I found the first ever upside down coffee and I brought it home for Annie (don't worry, I ALWAYS check for space bugs). I don't remember if Annie gave her usual not-so-enthusiastic nod of approval, "Hmm, that's pretty good..." but when I went to bed and closed my eyes I thought again of that land so far away.

I recalled how the worms had fingers to hang onto blades of grass, and that everyone had different versions of the same spiked hair style. No one could stay angry or hold a grudge for very long because gravity eventually got the better of their frown. The best part of all; unlike here, just about everyone whom I met appreciated the differences between us, and they liked me and made me feel welcome. I liked them too, just as much. It calms me to know that there is a place for me, even if I cannot live there. I slept soundly, all night long."

Annie and I thought that we would have to find more modest accommodations at first, but later we found that we could manage financially with some 'belt tightening'.

Annie's support for me when my potential partner vanished and my support for Annie when she needed it strengthened our already strong appreciation for the honesty and the trust between us. Our relationship felt stronger, yet new in some ways to us both.

Annie told her son, Jeremy about how supportive I had been. Soon after, Annie and Jeremy had made plans for Jeremy and his friend to stay at our home on June 17th, 2011 before the two of them would embark on a long motorcycle trip. They both met me, Natalae, in Annie's company at our home for the first time on that day.

I was free to be myself for the first time in the company of Annie and Jeremy and his friend... it was a remarkable milestone.

I offered some iced tea to Jeremy and he accepted. I was included in conversations and treated as every person deserves. Annie was pleased about the turn of events and I sensed that her relief mirrored my own for being honest about who I am to her son. I was both thrilled and relieved to have been finally shown enough respect to be included in a social setting.

As I went to bed that night, I thought about what I had written almost five months ago about feeling disrespected by Jeremy and Annie, and it occurred to me that I had witnessed something as rare and beautiful as watching a butterfly emerge from her cocoon; the transformation of someone's pre-conceived ideas into a willingness to challenge those ideas through experience. Acknowledgment is far from respect, but it is a first step to what we all need.

On June 18th, 2011 I wrote,

"Unbelievable! Annie invited me to go with her to meet Jeremy and his friend on their return home from their motorcycle trip... in public. I just got back and I am elated! I was with Annie and her son in public. I feel great."

Small victories in crisis mode helped me to hold on, but on the following day, June 19th, 2011 I wrote to a friend about something I felt was monumental,

"Dear Colleen,

... It is no surprise to me that I sound more upbeat to you. Part of the reason is that helping Annie through her depression by showing her that the glass is 'half full' helps me to believe it too (even though underneath it all, I am scared to death that my medications will run out in three months and we cannot afford them without insurance)...

Also, I have the memory of last night when Annie felt comfortable for the first time to be seen not only in public with me, but also in the company of her son. It may be a stretch for you to understand, but for me it is like coming out of a dungeon and into the open, and free to engage the living once again. I didn't write this in my story about respect, but maybe I will later. Jeremy has been engaging me as though he has never been disrespectful of me, and freely converses with me.

Two nights ago I told Annie that Jeremy's first exposure to me went as well as I had hoped and that I am not looking for an apology, but just for a new beginning. Annie responded that she is not about to forget the past, that she never spoke in my defense when she should have been supportive of me, and that she wants to remember and to learn from her mistake. I am in tears just writing the words. Can you imagine how I feel to finally be accepted and appreciated?

Happy days, indeed!

Natalae"

On June 23rd, 2011 I commented to a friend about feeling accepted by others as a 'turning point' for me,

"... I am sure there is something you recall that was a turning point in your life which gave life to your promise...I was let down when I was swaddled in a blue blanket at birth. My turning point came when I could no longer live my life pretending that I was the male I was socialized to be. I have always been a girl and a woman, but no one knew. Being true to me meant changing my body to conform to my mind. What I had to do brought pain to many friends and family, but just in the past week I can see new and bold signs of acceptance...finally.

I don't believe anyone should have to suffer for who they are or what others perceive them to be, but people do. I think some people can learn to be more compassionate of others by just reading and understanding the promise that you made to be true to yourself."

On June 25th, 2011 I wrote retrospectively at the 'quality of my life' to another friend born 'girl-in-a-boy',

"Looking back, I can see how socialization as a male had caused me to live a life as an outer shell of myself, in the way that a particular character role might be adopted by the dominant personality of an actor. The real tragedy isn't the potential loss of friends, family, and children (and I have lost them all with the recent exceptions of my partner and her son who, after three years began reaccepting me in their mutual company only two weeks ago), or the threat of physical harm from so many who lack compassion for us, or the potential loss of employment, or the likelihood of becoming socially marginalized, lonely, and depressed. We all know that there are few among us who have an easy time with the financial and personal costs of transitioning. Still, the real tragedy would be to never shed that outer shell, which prevents the emergence of our true selves, for only with the emergence of our true selves can we truly live.

Before I found friends and support here, I had no one. One of the greatest blessings that I have ever experienced is the love and support from the Sisterhood who walk our path, and those others with the compassion to understand that the value that we bring to the fabric of our society as individuals is equal to everyone's.

By the way most would measure 'quality of life'; I wouldn't be able to say that mine had grown exponentially. The loss of my two children, who have been so close to me for all of their lives, was a singular loss among so many others that leaves a gaping hole in my heart. But I agree with you, that quality of life for me has definitely improved. It is better to live my life with honesty and dignity than to live a lie in order that others will accept who they would like me to be.

By the way, the recent acceptance by flesh and blood people to interact with socially is no small thing to me. It is a part of living that has been denied for years, and the reintroduction of it into my life is absolutely breath-taking to me. Still, I could not have survived until now without all of you.

What is life if not about struggle and love? Life is abundant for us."

On June 26th, 2011 my encouraging note to a friend who thought herself ugly at one time helped me as much as it did her,

"You think that you were an ugly duckling who changed into a beautiful swan? I suppose it depends on whose eyes one looks through. I will bet that if you or I see someone who appears at the age you were and who has a strikingly similar appearance to you at that time, we would not see her as an 'ugly duckling' at all. You were beautiful all along and so were we all, if we could only have had the eyes with which we see now. We are all fortunate, who can finally see ourselves as beautiful, even though few can be seen by everyone in that way. I am happy for you. The challenges we overcome always seem to make rewards even sweeter."

That same day June 26th, 2011 I came to the emotional defense of someone born 'girl-in-a-boy' who was struggling with her perception of herself reflected by the unseeing eyes of her friend's sister,

"To someone such as your friend's sister, I would reply that it is true that the Creator, as anyone recognizes her, does not make mistakes and that each of us is created in her image. We are given our lives, each with purpose and experiences to learn from and to teach to others. We are also given intellect and reason in order to make life decisions for ourselves. It is against reason and the text from which others believe to make judgments for or against others "...lest ye be judged."

'Satan' or any evil thing or being had nothing to do with who we are. 'What' you are is a beautiful creation, a person with equal value to anyone else and who will someday have equal rights, respect, and acceptance that all people deserve."

I wrote to a friend who was suffering from the loss of her friend two days later on June 28th, 2011. I tried to comfort and reassure her, but I rather responded with my own frustration of how some people take each other for granted, and that what should be strong connective tissue between friends and family generally seems to be eroding.

"Another friend of mine told me of the loss of her long-time (since childhood) friend over a difference in enthusiasm for their church activities.

Are there just so many people now that we have hit some threshold causing there to be few who appreciate the value of compassion, commitment, and trust in one another? I know that we can both point to many examples in our lives of people who find it easy to demonstrate their lack of compassion. Would it be different if the largest city was a small town? I don't have the answer, but I wish I knew what it would take to allow us all to love each other for our similarities and to appreciate the good that comes to us all through the diversity that our differences bring to humanity.

I don't leave friends. Friends have saved me. Friends are forever. "

Family should also be 'forever', but my experience differs. It feels unfair to us when we discover a friend or a family member who doesn't see us as indispensable to their lives, or on equal terms as we see them. I was inspired to write the following story, "Marlena" on July 2nd, 2011 about the acceptance and understanding that I needed from family, but would never have,

MARLENA

"Marlena is my youngest daughter of five children. She is only two years and two months old, while the others are in middle school and high school. There will be no more children. Marlena is the last of our brood. I am close to all of my children, of course, but there is something unusual and special between little Marlena and me. I love her so much, and she seems to understand the bonds of love in the same way as I do, and she loves me too, and with equal fervor. She wants to do everything with me, and I am greeted with the same exuberant enthusiasm each time she sees me.

I admonish myself to never allow my other children to see the strength of the connection that I feel with Marlena. They all see her adoration of me and seem to recall their own feelings for me at her tender age as equally expressive. So far, no one seems to suspect that I feel as strong a bond; a singular spiritual connection that only a mother can have, but so far beyond any expectation that I could ever have had. I even wonder sometimes about how I will deal with the empty nest when she grows into adulthood and leaves home for good.

Marlena's concept of time is no different from any child at her age, but much different from that of an adult. Time for her goes by very slowly when I am not there for her, but I cannot be there with her when I have to leave for work.

My partner was away two days ago, when early in the morning Marlena sneaked into my closet and stole away with all of my work clothes. It must have been an incredible undertaking for her. She even had to maneuver a chair in order to reach the hangers. She had to have made several trips, ever so quietly as I slept, carrying what she could each time through several doors to put them all with the trash at the end of the driveway to be picked up by haulers. Her little deed was done, and the haulers were here and gone before my 6 o'clock a.m. alarm went off. When I woke, I put my robe on and left my bedroom to see that the others were awake to begin their day.

I was astonished as I went to my closet to choose my clothes for work to find them all gone. During the moments while I stood there and questioned the reality of this experience, tired little Marlena trailed in slowly with a determined look in her eye. "Mommy", she said, "I threw the clothes away that you hate and which take you away from me. They are gone with the trash," she said proudly.

I didn't even know what to say, so I took her by the hand to her room for a timeout that was for me as much as for her. I needed the time to process her motivation and all of the consequences of her actions. The other children thought her little stunt was 'priceless'; and of course they were right. They all left for school with a chuckle at how cute little Marlena had been and asked me to 'go easy' on her. I had to admit to myself that this would be one of the cutest memories that I would carry with me forever as a mother. I called in to work to say that I wouldn't be coming in, and then I went to Marlena's room.

The house was quiet and I thought about what I would say to Marlena as I walked to her room. I knocked, and then pushed her door. As the door swung open, I heard her sweet little voice calling me from the kitchen downstairs.

Marlena was there at the dining booth with breakfast cereal over-flowing in two bowls just for her and I, and milk, spoons and sugar; all ready for a good morning 'girl party'. She was standing on one bench to fetch her booster chair in the corner so that we would sit across from each other.

I had never seen her do anything like this before, and I was surprised by her thoughtfulness and her independent spirit to plan our breakfast together, even though she was aware that her 'time out' was a punishment... of sorts.

The setting could not have been more perfect for a serious talk between the two of us, the wise parent to the innocent and well-intentioned child. The morning sun was shining in through the slightly parted curtains, and the muffled sounds of birds chirping outside meant that we were alone in our little corner while the rest of the world went on without us. I would be gentle, but I would make her understand that I need to be at work during the day, even though we both want to be together.

I turned and I sat down across from her, expecting to see her happy smile; that she had tricked me into being with her instead of going to work. Instead, her face was serious, and her eyes distinguished her with wisdom and honesty. I was a little shocked to witness such an early glimpse of maturity in this little girl, but it didn't stop there.

She asked me to pour the milk into our cereal bowls and then said that she needs me to listen to her. "Mommy, your work clothes didn't fit you. Your clothes cover you, but they also disguise you. No one could see that you are my mommy when you wore them, and I know that you hated wearing them. I don't want you to ever have to go somewhere where you need to pretend to be someone else, someone who isn't you, and who isn't my mommy!"

The night before, my partner Annie told me that my daughter Abby had asked her for my email address. Annie wanted to know if she should give it to her.

The recollection of the nightmare, which had unfolded one year past, put me in tears... again.

Abby is twenty-nine this year. She and her older brother could not accept the truth of me, and they each tried to sabotage my relationship with Annie to boot. She was one of many who also tried to hurt me when the truth of me hurt them. I fear all who once were my family now, including my own two children.

"No," I told Annie, "don't give her my email address." I know that I cannot trust her, and I know that I could not take another turn of the blade if she hurts me again.

When I finally made it to sleep into the wee hours of the next morning, Marlena became the daughter in my dream who understood me, accepted me, cared about me, and loved me.

Thinking about Marlena helps to reclose the wounds... a little. I will always bleed some."

Indeed, all of the priceless memories of my children's childhood are intact, but recollection always ends bittersweet.

A 'girl-in-a-boy' friend wrote a comment to my story and I replied,

"... 'Cute [in reference to Marlena's actions] indeed, but she also knew that the clothes I had to wear for work were a disguise that dishonestly portrayed me, which is true and difficult for me to contend with in my life.

I absolutely adore little children, and sometimes I jokingly ask Annie if we can have another and she replies with a stern, "NO!" It is all in fun; we are just too old and physically unable to have more, but there is a lot of truth in and around the words. We have each had two children in former marriages, and all are adults between 29 and 39 years of age. Marlena is the name that Annie and I agreed to when I prodded her for the name of our little girl if we had one together. The dream and writing this story breathed life into Marlena.

I had a business with offices both at home and nearby when my children were small. They and their friends were always close by, and I loved being a part of their experience of growing up. I think that I would have been a wonderful mother though; and especially since my children are gone from my life, I sometimes think about what motherhood could have been for me if my body had simply been made to order for my mind.

I guess that Marlena is the manifestation of my subconscious, a vision of the daughter, who was born of my own body, wise beyond her years and still connected through the ghost of our umbilical cord to point out the dishonesty in my own life – dishonesty I am ashamed of, but thought was well hidden from her.

In reality, isn't it a pity that some of us have to be dishonest some or all of the time, for the sake of mature adults who cannot handle the truth of us? I thank my lucky stars for friends like you, Jo, who understand and make living feel less of a lonesome burden: Lonesome because few accept me and allow me to engage them in the art of living. Burden, because I want to bring happiness to those around me, but I have spread pain instead. In order to live at all, I cannot accommodate the demand by those I love and who had once loved me, to act as the fictional character that they had once known. Instead, they have chosen not to know me at all, and they have turned their pain into anger towards me.

I see another reason for Marlena to come to life in order to soothe my battered heart. She brings continuity to my life by being flesh-and-blood family who knows and understands me. I need that."

She wrote a comment back that her daughter has accepted her but that her son is embarrassed. I wrote back,

"We each have our own blessings to count and our stories, comments and messages to support one another. My best wishes for your son to overcome the difficulty he has in accepting your physical appearance in order to see the beauty of your soul, and accepting the love in your heart.

Thank you for your compliment. The truth is that even while this story may seem 'tinged with sadness', the loss of family nearly killed me. I was down to 117 lbs. due to loss of sleep and appetite. I had a very close relationship with my children throughout their lives as well as with my immediate family before they decided that my blood was not such a close match to their own.

Abby's loss was particularly difficult for me, and was coerced by her influential aunt (my very conservative and religious former sister). The last communication I had with Abby was a letter that I had written to her a year ago last June. In it, I told her that if I had to choose either to lose everyone else who left me or to lose my daughter (my son was undecided at the time), that Abby would still be with me.

In the story, when I said that Abby's request for my email and my subsequent recollection of events "put me in tears", the fact is that I was nearly inconsolable. I can never stop loving my children, but I can no more accept her back into my life than a battered wife can welcome her abuser back into her life. Trust has been replaced by fear, and I know that I cannot endure another rejection by her. Thank you again for inspiring me to write more about it. It helps me to move on."

Another friend wrote a comment that it takes maturity for children to understand and accept the truth of me. I wrote,

"Dear Colleen... Both of my children are very successful and intelligent. They are also responsible and mature adults. I have a friend, Bill who has been my friend since we were in high school together. He knows all of my family and my children. He was as astounded as I to see everyone, who was so close to me just cast their lines and sail away.

I watched in horror as they faded into the distance and none of them turned for a last look at me, even after I told them that I needed their support and I begged them not to leave. Abby, even more than my son Adam, is vulnerable to the influence of her aunt. Her aunt was not the only uncompassionate right-wing conservative member of my former family with influence. My father proudly made it known to everyone that he extricated my legal name from his will.

I remember seeing riots on television in 1968. I know what the term 'mob mentality' means, and I think that by all of my family acting in unison to abandon me, it made it easier for each of them to do so too. I recall this from another story that I wrote; "Who Do You Think of When You Think of the Word; Compassion?": "...I feel sorry for people who lack the enlightenment or awareness of compassion. When I think of my own children, I wonder how they can possibly deal with what has been lost between us, should they ever come to understand (reason vs. belief) after I am gone. "

I wish that I could trust Abby with my email... I trust you with it. But I recently read this about trust from another friend here on SN and I agree with her; "I think trust! Is something that can take a day to earn, a lifetime to keep and, it takes just a second to lose! But it takes an eternity to regain!" Maybe it won't take an eternity to regain. It certainly helps me to write about this experience, and the strength that I draw from you and others here who care will help me to face the uncertainty of another encounter with Abby someday."

On the next day, July 3rd, 2011 I used the story about Marlena and the support that I received from friends to help another friend,

"I had written this about my fictitious daughter from a dream that I had: "Marlena makes mistakes, as we all do when we gather information to fine tune our lives, but she has never made me upset. The awkwardness of her learning experiences simply endears her to me even more." I think we can all acknowledge that we have our own weaknesses, but compassion is how we each understand the circumstances and share the pain and the lives of those we care.

The compassion of my friends who gathered around me and supported me kept all of my broken pieces from being lost to the wind. Their actions endeared them all to me, indeed, we have become friends who love and support each other.

The last two sentences that you wrote are priceless testaments to your optimism. I am better than before, just as you will be. Until then, I hope that knowing others care about you helps you to share the pain. All of us can make sure that none of us has to suffer more than we can handle on our own..."

It had helped me to move ahead by writing about my feelings from my dream of Marlena; I felt sure of it. I surprised myself by the surge of confidence I felt when on that very day, July 3rd, 2011 I wrote the following comment to a friend, who was struggling with the word, but not the mission of 'feminism'.

"I am a 'feminist' and I am proud to say so. I think that the difference between how we describe ourselves really doesn't differ very much, just the semantics of the word. Feminism is all about promoting (at times 'fighting for') political, legal, social, economic and I would add biological equality of rights, responsibilities, and rewards in society.

In the very beginning (just a blink ago in the eye of history), women who even dared to speak against the restrictions on women's lives were perceived as 'men haters' a phrase designed to cheapen or dismiss the serious contention that was brought to social consciousness for serious debate for the first time. It is sad to see that the propaganda, which undoubtedly was spread by the men who wish to protect their dominant role (and think themselves greater than equal to women), persists to this day.

It seems crystal clear to me that women need to support one another with elbows locked until the day when any discrimination by every means (for women and for everyone) is no longer tolerated, and the lessons learned be taught to each successive generation.

Remember, discrimination can exist only when some of us feel that they are greater than equal to the rest of us. We cannot hand our children over to those who will take advantage of them. That runaway train led to the holocaust of Germany, when anyone less than how someone defined a 'master race' would be sterilized, enslaved, or exterminated; also, just a blink in the eye of history ago.

The truth of something else that you and some of your friends who commented seems very poignant to me as well: Fitting into and succeeding in the culture of the workplace, which was defined by and traditions established by men, is no easy task for women. Aside from figuring out how to conform to the differing social, biological, and economic pressures that affect women differently than men, women also need to express themselves in the workplace as women, and not as women who can only get ahead by acting like men. This is a much more nuanced, but important metric in the way women will either preserve the wonderful differences that distinguish their gender, or conform and adapt to the mold used as the template for a successful male.

It is not a small cost to women generally that successful women exhibit character traits which are generally more masculine and not complimentary to women, or as Bella put it, "...extremely bitchy". The key word here is 'extremely' (the other word is just offensive to women). Can you sense that women who do best in a workplace environment designed for and by men often times do so at the cost of forsaking biological, social and other traits that are most common to their gender? If you agree that it happens, then the challenge for women is to design a better system.

It sounds like an incredibly difficult challenge at first; but once we have a plan, all we need to do is to take steps. Over time, attitudes and values will change to the design that makes the most sense... our design. The pace at which changes take place depends on our sustained enthusiasm, the wisdom of our design, the procedures we choose to make change, and most importantly, our resolute stance to end oppression and unfairness.

The cost of falling short of this goal will be nothing less than the eventual loss of femininity from all women. We will lose a part of our heritage and of ourselves to embrace the more competitive, less supportive, more violent, less compassionate ways of our counterparts..."

Passion and inspiration were returning to me. I could feel it. Subconsciously, the time I distracted myself with the love I felt for others who struggle, helped me to heal from the love that was denied to me by my family. My own words would inspire a story from me that would highlight social costs due to the potential loss of femininity from society.

Discussion regarding my friend's story was lively and my comment was well received. In response to my friend's comment I wrote,

"... Yes, I think that there are many who cannot help but to associate negative images with the word, 'Feminist', and I wouldn't disagree with a different name if I thought it would help.

However, there are two things that I would worry about by doing that: (1) Why should we expect people on the other side of this debate not to spend money and influence on degrading our new name to cheapen our message, as they had done before? (2) Won't we cheapen our causes somewhat just by having to constantly explain why we felt the need for a different name (I can hear the question as it reverberates through the media; "Why are you ashamed to call yourselves 'feminists'?")

I think it just makes more sense to educate others on the history of feminism and to inspire others to wear the banner. We never soiled the word. It was tainted by those who felt their perceived superiority to us was being challenged. 'Yankee' was a term coined in Britain and derisive of the colonists in this country...until we won the War of Independence... then it had come to stand for our youthful country's pride.

I would choose to change how people feel about the word 'feminist' to mean a dedicated group who would not stand for intolerance or discrimination, and who were resolute in bringing equality to ALL of us, and who inspired a renaissance in the workplace and in society generally to make our 'world' the envy of the rest of the world. I am happy about progress made in Scandinavian countries, but why wait for something that might be a little better to possibly make its way to our country? Why not just roll up our sleeves and be proud to do the best that has ever been done?

I really worry about us. There are people with giant bull-horns who are gaining political might to dismantle all kinds of social achievements that have only been here for most of my life. It hasn't been very long that women and minorities have even had the right to vote. I was 10-years-old when President Johnson's "Great Society" publicly addressed racism for the first time in our history. Even at that tender age I was surprised that social injustice had been tolerated.

I cannot help but feel that if we don't take what we believe seriously, that equality should mean that we are equal and that no person should feel that they are superior in any way to others, or the opposite will be true. Our candle will be reduced to wax and smoke, and our fate will be at the hands of those who have determined themselves to be our masters and the masters of our children."

Following some additional discussion I added,

"Sooner or later, our progeny will look back at the defining moment in history when it all changed; all of the unfairness that 'used to be' was finally addressed by those who could see beyond the present to a bright and equitable future, and who designed the plan to get there in practical steps backward to their (our) present time.

There are a million solutions (sum of all future histories) to this intolerable situation and one will prevail, only one needs to.

Are we enlightened enough to visualize it, or should we condone the discrimination that is our lot by doing nothing at all? No woman at home or at work deserves disrespect and discrimination. No one is greater than equal to us. Believe that.

Is it moral to pass our suffering on and on and on? Can we accept that future generations might note that we complained, but that we were content to watch from the sidelines instead of changing our destiny – their destiny?

This is an inspiring post, and it shows that we are not alone. When we understand that justice is on our side, then our momentum will become unstoppable."

It seemed that the more I could focus on this discussion the more passion and strength I felt. I seemed to have made an impression on my friend by the way she responded. I wrote back to her,

"I am in tears. I have only slept for two hours last night worrying about how strongly I feel about this topic and how I come across to others. Thank you, Ruth for helping me to feel grounded.

If I may please add just a couple of thoughts from last night: None of us are equal until all of us are equal. Until we are equal (all women, and all groups who know discrimination), those who dominate have the power to take away any or all of the strides that we have made towards equality.

Each of us has her own opinion on the morality of abortion, or the rights of the state to rule over her body. Each of us should become educated to the pros and cons to either choice, but WE SHOULD HAVE THE RIGHT TO CHOOSE.

Women in Hitler's Germany didn't have that right, and thousands were told by letter that because of their physical or mental health, for their genetics, or for any reason decided by the state that they were not suitable to bear offspring, and they would be required (forced) to be sterilized.

How many of us didn't know this because someone thought in the scheme of things during that tumultuous period, that it wasn't worth more than a subtle mention if mentioned at all? Can you imagine withholding such an atrocity from mainstream history? How belittling it is to women that personal rights regarding their own bodies didn't deserve more than a subtle whisper in recent recorded human history.

I bring this up to demonstrate that we need to be concerned. State laws in South Dakota, Florida, and Kansas have already been changed to practically take away a woman's choice and force her to have a child. Are women protesting? Are there demonstrations on college campuses and in front of state capitols? No!

There is the myth or the reality that frogs will withstand rising temperatures of a water bath until they boil to death. I don't want to hear that someone who read this thought they should see for themselves. I only make the point that we aren't so different. We don't seem to notice or to care much as long as the temperature doesn't rise too quickly, but each degree is a loss of our personal and our collective rights. As they erode and we acclimate, we become less relevant; we find ourselves and our children further still from being equal.

With our busy lives, it is easy to think, 'no need to worry. These are modern times. Surely, someone will see the injustice and they will watch out for us.'

This is but one example of how our rights are being taken away. If you wonder; 'How can they be taken from us?' the answer is; because we acknowledge that others are greater than equal to us by doing nothing when they make the attempt. We don't speak out! We don't take charge. Therefore, they take the right of dominion over us.

There is no group of adult people that we feel are incompetent to make decisions for themselves relevant to their bodies, their jobs, their daily lives, or any metric. An attempt to make decisions for them regardless of what they might think is in their own best interest would be an insult to their equality to us.

We therefore cannot allow others to determine for us what is in our own best interest without insulting, and diminishing ourselves to them.

The tougher road is ahead. We need to invent plans that work for us, agree on the best plan, and then implement it. Have you got yours yet? Have fun thinking about it. I do."

Ideas were crystallizing in my own mind as I thought about it more. I added,

"I can see a better world, and so can you. Start from scratch; what values would you want the population of a new world to foster...greed? I don't think so. We can do better. What is the best way for young minds to be taught...institutionalized 1:30 teacher to student? How about more apprenticeships and more adults to tutor? Better? How should society reward those who care for the least apt or able to care for themselves? How should those who trample the equal rights of any person be dealt with?

Do you think we can imagine a thousand better ways for our progeny to prosper, to find happiness and to evolve into the best of our human potential? I do. Imagination is where our rightful and equal place begins, and it is where all people need to start.

What is unimaginable is the way different groups vie for equality, suggesting that some but not all groups deserve to play a part in the whole of humankind.

A woman's mind goes beyond thinking, "All men are created equal" to "All people are equal, irrespective of the noticeable or unnoticeable imperfections and differences that make each of us uniquely perfect." Imagine that we are the architects of our future... because we must be.

Imagine what happens to our children if we fail. I think about this a great deal, and I feel that the best ideas will probably reveal themselves to most of us when we need it... when we start talking about it."

My desire for social equality was also evident in the comment on July 4th, 2011 which I made to someone who noticed discriminatory housing practices while she was out looking for an apartment,

"What strikes me most in your story is your compassion. You are absolutely correct in the points that you make, and none of us should ever be made to feel as though 'second rate' fits our social status. What the world needs is love and compassion for our brothers and sisters.

Discrimination of every kind can only happen when some of us feel greater than equal to the rest of us. Whenever we see anyone being wronged by discrimination, or by any cause we have one of two courses of action to take; do nothing or speak out. The first choice endorses the wrongful behavior. Let us know what your legislative representative thinks and then give yourself a big hug... "
CHAPTER 17 – REDEFINITION OF FAMILY

Even though my focus was increasingly directed towards society's ills and shortcomings, I was certainly not immune to how the current events of my friends were affecting me. One of my friends was suffering from a terminal illness. I expressed my frustration of having so little power to help her when I wrote this on July 5th, 2011,

"'Hell' is the knowing that my friend suffers and that I am powerless to cure her, or to actually share in the emotional and physical pain that she has, or even to hold her hand and to let her see my tears and feel my compassion for her.

'Hell' is the wanting to advocate for those who are disenfranchised and discriminated against, but knowing that the greatest violation in cosmic justice is that a loving, caring, talented and gifted soul has been made to endure such an unfair burden in the evils and the ills of life, and that I am powerless to defend her.

'Hell' is the knowing that her family and her closest friends will suffer more than I can imagine as she does, and that there is nothing that I can do or say to give them strength.

'Hell' is the wishing that I had the intelligence and the wisdom to answer this question with certitude, but knowing that my words are only opinion or hypothesis, which falls too short of the mark that I need in order to help her.

There is consolation.

There are the universal laws in physics for the conservation of matter and energy. One can never take from one without adding to the other; neither can be created nor destroyed. It follows then, that a full life measured by our capacity to survive both the trials and the triumphs of living, and/or a life hereafter will balance as well. If one is made to endure incredible hardship and pain, then perhaps we can take solace that life will balance here and/or in the hereafter.

I don't know if there is a hereafter. If there is, then I believe that you will be rewarded bountifully. If there isn't, then your suffering will still not be in vain, because a debt in grace will be awarded to those in need and close to you, with thanks to you.

In either case, the gift of the essence of you will live forever and with purpose, within the hearts of those who know you. The love that you share with each of us will compound, because of you. Your life is an inspiration to everyone you touch, and is an example of how brilliant a star can be, in spite of the blackness of the night..."

After I wrote that, I thought of my own life, how there would be no 'balance' should I die. I had no 'star' to be witnessed by everyone, only in Annie's eyes. There would be no cosmic reward for my suffering, or 'debt of grace' bestowed upon others. I was forgettable...as a meteor.

I wrote the following on July 6th, 2011 to console myself,

"Natalae is amazed at how quickly the disappointments in life can be overshadowed by the beacon that shines from what is best in life...my friends.

Love knows, love grows, love always remembers, and love lives forever."

I had purposefully written my name in order to emphasize the assertion of who I am and that my name should represent my life when I pass.

That same day, July 6th, 2011 my terminally ill friend whom I expressed frustration at not being able to help, wrote a letter to me welcoming me into her family and her friends on SN. I wrote back to her,

"Oh my...Janis, I am overwhelmed by your words. I am in real tears here. Who could have known that a story you named "What is Hell?" would inspire such hope and praise for what is the best in life...okay, you could.

Thank you for welcoming me into your circle of friends and family. I am forever grateful. I just watched [the motion picture] "Avatar" last weekend. I was reminded of the movie when you wrote,"...I look past the screen before me and see you just as if you were sitting here across from me and holding my hand." "I see you" is the phrase of greeting in the native culture in the movie.

You are right. I am real. And I don't need eyes to know that 'I see you' very clearly too, well enough to love you dearly. Everyone who feels close to you, I think of, and I care about them too. Even your friends and family that I don't know and who don't know me at all, I think of as my friends. Only they can understand the gravity of your spirit that inspires me to feel this way.

Light and love to you and to yours. Thank you for thinking of Annie. We both appreciate your bright blessings."

I wondered just how lucky someone must be to have been abandoned by her own family, and to then be invited to be a member of such an open-hearted and open-minded group. I felt truly blessed.

But just three days later, on July 9th, 2011 thoughts of my own insecurity and fear of never being remembered crept back into my consciousness when I wrote to Annie about a weak moment in her company.

"Dear Annie,

I wrote this on May 1st, 2011 as part of a comment to a story by Kimberly; "I feel but for your friendship and others here, my life would be forgotten and without meaning except to my partner. Only Annie has been supportive... to a degree. I am frightened by not knowing if I have the strength, the financial means, or even the legal rights to progress to where I need to be; and I am not even certain where that place of minimum-acceptable comfort might be. My greatest fear is that I may pass on before I can legally change my name. It haunts me to know that my legal name doesn't fit who I am and that I might never be remembered."

'Frightened' and 'haunted' are accurate descriptions. Maybe I am a little paranoid, but history proves that the worst case scenario can happen, and the 'Tea Party' Republicans and recent events are greasing the path to those dark times.

Just last week I had written things from a position of confidence atop a soap box. I will be back there again soon, but yesterday is a lesson on how thin the membrane is that holds confidence.

Your friend,  
Natalae"

I had my ill friend in mind on that same day on July 9th, 2010 while I wrote to give her the strength for which I struggled to find myself,

"... Janis, I think about you every day...even when you or I are away for a while.

I read one of your stories that hadn't had a comment on it, but I came back to find it and it was gone. The story was a quote about perspective on others' lives (admiring persistence, etc.) and the end said that people who lived in fear wasted time and that's when you said that you agree with all but the last. I was right on track with you as I read it all. Anyway, I wanted to say something about it:

That quiet and safe place that happens when I close my eyes is where I see you smiling and where the mists of fear and illusion disappear for us both. It's the place where all of us who live tortured and imprisoned behind walls real or imagined, see those walls vanish and where all that remains is the joyous gift to others of ourselves, and acceptance by all of each of us.

You have a way of inspiring me to find peace within myself.

Stay strong.

I am sending lots of light and love to you, and to everyone who touches you with their hearts.

Natalae"

The next day, on July 10th, 2011 I felt strong enough to write the story "To Thyself Be True" (page 3). One of my friends who was also born 'girl-in-a-boy' commented on that story with her own experience and I wrote back to her,

"Thank you for reading my story and for your comment, Kimberly.

I understand the sense of panic and trepidation in making the life changes that you need in order to live your life, instead of living the life that others have become accustomed to.

Like me, you understand that others will react to the truth of you, but you really don't know how they will react until they internalize and process the news. It took months for some in my family to go from supporting me to cutting all ties.

I told my partner immediately when I discovered for myself that I could not live as I had. Honesty is time sensitive, and we are both honest with each other about everything, and think of honesty as a foundation for trust. I had no idea whether she would stay or if she would bolt, and I had taken no time to consider how my life would change for either path. All that I knew was that I could no longer represent someone who differed from me, and my partner needed to know.

You are my friend, and I know that you are as you say, "loving, kind, and wonderful". I would also add, intelligent, compassionate, and supportive. I hope that your family and friends will keep their eyes open to see the wonderful person that you are, but you are wise to prepare yourself for the worst case scenario. I have seen other stories where the author leaves an impression that the reader should 'jump right in, the water is fine'. I think that few can make this revelation about ourselves without having some negative impact, be it physical (personal attack, hate crime, health implications for taking medications and surgery), social (loss of family or friends), or economic (impact on employment or trying to find a new job, impact on health or life insurance), and generally becoming marginalized by society.

Anyone seeking to make a change as we do doesn't do so hoping for gains other than to escape the personal torment of being within the body opposite their gender. It is still torturous to me that I have to pretend to be someone else part of the time. My time will come for me to be me all of the time... someday.

There is one unanticipated gain that some of us do find; friendships and support from caring and loving souls like you. I couldn't have endured the losses that I experienced simply because I told the truth of me, without having the Sisterhood of caring and loving people here on SN. Thank you again, for your help."

In response, my friend commented that my "bravery" and the bravery of others with similar circumstances, was encouraging to her. I added,

"I hope that what I said helped you in some way. It takes courage from you to stand up for you. You must be certain of your conviction knowing that others will be seriously impacted. For me personally, I lost more than I thought I could endure, but I am grateful that I had the courage to stand up for me. The meaning of my life would forever be hidden behind the curtain of the persona that others only thought they knew, had I not. Still, my spirit will never feel entirely free unless I can live my life 24/7 or until I pass on...

I am fifty seven, and I feel grateful not to be alone; indeed I am in a committed partnership with someone who shares similar values, politics, and humor. The cost for me to have that security and companionship is the time that I am unable to live as myself. My partner has paid an equal price because of the loss of her husband. She understands why our lives changed, and she likes me, but I am her girlfriend and someone who no longer resembles her husband.

I often write that life is about love and struggle. Being honest about the truth of you is a part of love. Compromise is a part of struggle. My hopes and prayers are with you, my Sister."

On July 16th, 2011 a friend wrote that she had gotten a new job helping young mothers. She could not have her own biological children, but did adopt. I wrote back to her,

"... I too, wish that I could have had the magical experience of giving birth to my own child... Looking at how each of us has viewed what is missing from our lives, I am reminded of an otherwise forgettable movie called, "City Slickers" (or the sequel), but for the response by Jack Palance when asked if he had ever been in love. His character, Curly Washburn, told a story of the woman he recalled seeing hanging laundry atop a hill at sunset, the sun shining through her dress and the image of her silhouette forever imprinted on his memory. He never went to meet her. He was in love and his timeless and unchanging love was perfection just as it was.

I wonder if restated then, your revelation might say that your life, through the absence of what most women take for granted, makes you keenly aware and appreciative of the things that you have learned about the connections between a mother and her newborn, even more so than some mothers who were in the same room with you (witness your lonely tears).

What joy there is for you and for me to think about the wonders that we missed out on, but that we are able to appreciate so much. What joy for you, that you are in a position to teach young mothers through your own example, how important and beautiful those things are. Perhaps they need your help to see for themselves. How fortunate we all are to know that there are beautiful and caring souls like yours to watch out for the most delicate and precious among us... "

Having been invited to a new family and members greeting me one-by-one on SN, I wrote this story on July 16th, 2011 to show my appreciation. There is no requirement for 'flesh and blood' in my definition of family. There was no overstatement of appreciation in what I had written.

WHAT IS 'FAMILY'?

One Easter, my uncle Floyd brought a big basket filled with Easter grass, candy, and one very special pink bunny rabbit that would become my dear friend and companion, 'Randy'. There were three of us children at the time, my older brother, my baby sister, and me. I was the right age, and Randy seemed to go well with the baby blanket that I carried with me everywhere. I remember the big basket and I remember the connection I felt the moment I saw Randy.

Randy and my blanket eventually became so worn with dirt and love that my mother had to explain to me that neither would survive another washing (I remember that too). More importantly, I remember a very profound thought that my young mind had sometime during my tenure with Randy: Very early one morning, I awoke before anyone else in my family (not uncommon for me) and crawled down the stairs in my pajamas (with feet in them) and dragging Randy by the ear and my blanket by its silky border edging behind me. As the door that led to the living room swung open, I looked across the living room to the front door of our house.

As I walked in just a few steps, I paused. I could tell that the sun was just beginning to peek through the flowered curtains, and then I panned right back to the front door. With everyone soundly sleeping and my body still in the silent moment, I remember wishing that our family would always remain the same, that I would never grow up and that none of us would ever lose touch, and that no one would leave through that door never to return.

Somehow, I knew that things would change, perhaps the comments that relatives made whenever they saw me that I was growing up so fast, or the realization that I was a parent figure to Randy. Looking back, it is my earliest recollection of love for 'family', and not just for my mother or father or my sister or my brother.

I can recall that and many childhood memories vividly, but I cannot recall the last time that it came to the forefront of my mind, and I don't think that I have ever shared it with anyone before now. I will tell you what prompted me to recall it soon.

Eventually, I shelved the early childhood and playful adolescent years, and then left the comforts of an idyllic home that my father and I had built along the banks of the Mississippi River when I went away to college. I nearly graduated as a mechanical engineer, but fell in love with the girl who had first kissed me when I was only 13-years-old after being re-introduced to her.

Her father was in a partnership with one of my uncles and he wanted me to start a business with him. I married, and started a family, and then started my own business five years later. My two children were the centerpiece of my life, and I was able to have an office in our home while they were growing up.

But even as I was growing up, I was never at odds with my four siblings, even while they sometimes were at odds with each other. My mother and I were especially close, but my father and I were close too... at least I was the one who always helped him with his carpentry and other projects. Indeed, he and I helped to develop a beautiful neighborhood where we lived.

My mother was a very intelligent, compassionate and loving person, who passed on in 2007, just three years after one of my younger sisters. Imagine for a moment how it felt for me to lose all who remained, including my children. Annie, my partner remains with me, but each of my two brothers, my sister, their spouses, my father, and all of my nieces and nephews have cast their lines to my raft and set me adrift; but not until attempting, but failing to convince Annie that she would do well to cast me aside too.

I bleed easily (witness a recent story I wrote called 'Marlena'), but I am recovering. In fact, I am feeling so much stronger than I have felt since I have lost them all.

The reason I felt like sharing this with you is to explain how much I appreciate the grace from one of my life's most precious gifts – Janis.

While my own family chose to turn away never to look back because I was born disguised as a male, Janis was one of several friends here who helped me dust myself off and discover my new life. One year ago, I learned the cutting feelings of rejection and isolation. Today, I celebrate reintegration into a family that I could not be more proud to become a part of. Each of you has embraced me and I know that we are all bonded by a deep love of my Sister Janis and her husband.

Thank you, Janis for being such an inspiration and a paragon of achievement of the human spirit; not only for your personal achievements, but also most notably for the richness that your life brings to each of us who get to know you. I hope you don't mind, but I thought of this snippet from a comment you made in one of my stories, "Compassion...a word so powerful when put into action...a word that can save a life when extended to another." How true! I love you for making my life feel rich because of you, and also for including me in your wonderful family. I hope this little story helps you and all in your family to know just how much this means to me.

Thanks to all of you.

Forever your sister Natalae

Now, may we please party?"

After some happy remarks by my new family members, I followed up with this comment of my own,

"... Thank you for the [virtual] hugs...I really mean that. In just a momentary diversion, I mentioned that I am feeling stronger in my story here. The truth is that the hugs and warm welcome from you and everyone in OUR (I love saying that) family has made me VERY strong. Life is still a struggle, but I had forgotten how strong I can feel, until I had felt the acceptance here from all of you. Thank you all. I love you..."

One member of my new family had a personal relationship that turned horribly bad. I didn't know the details at the time when I wrote to her, but seeing how others in our family and she related to each other revealed a powerful message of support and healing. On July 24th, 2011 I wrote this to her, just before I posted the related story which follows,

"Well Siobhan,

... Something you had written has kept me awake all night, last night and two nights ago as well. They are not painful thoughts, and everything ends up with what is important in life for me, and I just HAVE to write about it. If this becomes a story here, then I will have to do some serious weeding first. I have much to write.

I haven't told anyone about my plan because I may or may not keep what I write, but I have you to thank for such a fantastic inspiration.

Have a wonderful and safe weekend!

Love and light (especially BOTH!)  
Natalae"

I FEEL LIKE I JUST GOT HOME

In the year of my birth, Walt Disney adapted the Jules Verne novel, "20,000 Leagues under the Sea" into a movie format. I was still a very young child when my parents took my brother and me to see it in the theatre. The story line and the main character made an indelible impression on my young mind. Captain Nemo, disgusted with the brutality of his world above the waves, was able to use his boundless resourcefulness and tortured intellect to mold nature and his environment to his liking; reaping the bounty of the ocean to sustain him and the sailors who would chose to perish with him, rather than to live without him.

Whether innate, or Nemo inspired, I developed a scientific curiosity that stayed with me for most of my life. I had a microscope and a chemistry set and a notebook full of questions that I had hoped to find answers to someday, even before I was a teenager.

While growing up, I was introduced to classes that I first enjoyed in the wrong order. I wasn't ready for 10th grade geometry. I was bored to tears memorizing theorems, but I was amazed at the language of mathematics that began there for me. I chose 11th grade chemistry because the course and the teacher were reputed to be tough, and I wanted a challenge. In 12th grade, I took advanced biology, physics and electronics, all from the same gifted teacher that I had for chemistry.

Throughout high school I had many friends, yet I enjoyed studying and my time alone. I fantasized for years about discovering the secrets of the ocean and becoming a part of it. I read books to learn from, rather than to be entertained. I was physically well, but I remember feeling as though my time would be over at the age of twenty-two or twenty-nine. Part of me was afraid to live longer than I would be able to hold on to my youthful ideals; besides, I would rather die young than to risk getting too old and acquiescing to thoughtless conservative ideals of those older than me and my generation – the 'Establishment'.

The recurring dream that I had was to learn enough, then to drive a motorcycle following the Mississippi River from Minnesota to the Gulf of Mexico, fly it off of a pier somewhere and go missing until presumed dead. Then I would procure a sailboat and sail it to northeastern Australia, find an isolated atoll near the Great Barrier Reef, build an undersea home (complete with laboratory, of course), and discover and command the riches of this unclaimed territory.

I didn't like the brutality above the waves any more than did Captain Nemo, so afterwards, I would build an environmentally sound and better model for human society to adapt and to grow, then present my gift to an audience of participants who would begin a new sea-born country that would become the template for humankind to follow, or which would inspire others to come up with equally desirable or better substitutes.

I could do that. I had visions of underwater flying machines, huge floating parabolic dishes to collect sunlight to be transported through fiber optic cables, energy collected from the waves, the tides, and the wind, and from the sun through photosynthesis.

After high school, I decided to become a marine biologist and would transfer to Florida after taking some (cheaper) classes at the local state university. Well, zoology nearly put me to sleep, but I couldn't seem to get enough chemistry, which was part of the curriculum. It's not like they aren't related; you really cannot understand the magic of life without understanding the processes of glycolysis, the Kreb's cycle, the life energy molecule of adenosine tri-phosphate (ATP), acids and bases, the mechanism of active and passive transport across semi-permeable membranes... all chemicals and chemical processes.

Biology had its last tug on my heart with microbiology. The magic of life which happens at such an incredibly small scale is so intriguing! Bacteria are too small for the resolution of our eyes, yet they are huge compared to viruses.

Scientists may still be debating whether some viruses are actually living at all. It is not at all clear where chemistry and physics end and where biology begins.

As captivating as microbiology was, I was enthralled with chemistry. I realized that the elements on the periodic table were the stuff from which the 'primordial soup' of life itself was made, the everywhere-in-the-universe same building blocks of everything that exists. Chemistry was the ticket then for understanding my world and I changed my major during that first year. I became tempted by some of my electives, especially English, philosophy and history, but I made sure to learn as much chemistry as was presented to me.

Soon, more mathematics was required in order to continue my chemistry major. The last math course that I had was that 10th grade geometry class. I had to start with intermediate algebra and work my way up. My second math teacher had a style that no one but me seemed to appreciate. I was in lock-step with him and I was in love with the material that he presented (in later years, he taught me some computer programming and we worked together on a business enterprise). In the beginning, I learned useful tools, then the important conceptual ideas of points and lines learned from geometry became magical.

I was so fascinated by the idea that a point has no dimension, that no matter how closely you get to a point and its neighboring point, that you can put an infinite number of points between them, ad infinitum. Even the concept of numbers themselves fascinated me. Numerals are the written symbols of numbers, and some would say that numbers without units to describe are meaningless, but I saw numbers as magical as pure thought, a singular uncontaminated language that one can use to describe the universe.

Eventually, I went to a university as a math major. Fortunately, a counselor told me that I would need to be an engineer in order to use mathematics in a useful career. The beauty that I would soon see is the marriage between the language of the universe, especially calculus, and the courtroom of physics. Both apply everywhere the same in any part of our universe. The combination of the two is the most intrinsic way to understand the origin of the creation of the universe and everything contained within.

I used to lay awake to contemplate a question I had written long ago in my notebook; which came first, time or distance (dimension), and what was the inspiration for either. It was calming for me to try to imagine absolutely nothing, before something happened.

My life turned sharply away from my pursuits, when I became reintroduced to the first girl who had kissed me when I was only 13-years-old. We dated for years back then, and I bought her a promise ring that she still had. I was nearly ready to graduate, but was planning to move to Colorado Springs to finish school and find a job. She wanted to come with me. On our third date, she told me that her mother said to her that we would have to be married in order to live together. Her parents knew me well, and her father wanted me to start a business with him. My plans to finish school were canceled and we were married in ten months.

I went back to school for a new career, took some programming classes from my friend and former math teacher, and eventually started my own business, but I never quit learning. I taught principles of algebra and trigonometry to 'gifted and talented' children in my own children's school as a volunteer, and I continued to learn about computers, science, and history.

My partner, Annie gave me a subscription to 'Scientific American' magazine for my birthday one year, a publication I was enamored with since I first picked one up in high school. I read each issue cover-to-cover, and sometimes over and over.

One of the fascinating things that I learned is that the way we perceive time is not accurate to the nature of time. In physics, the present is actually indistinguishable from the past or the future. In other words, there is nothing 'special' about the present. What becomes equally intriguing to me then is; what is it about our perception that makes the present seem special? After all, we think that we live continuously in the moment of the present.

I remember when my perception of time had changed. I was driving for almost twenty hours with no more than an occasional potty break, and coming down the mountains of Idaho at night. Reflective markers for snow plows seemed to be just flying past me, although my speedometer only read sixty-miles per hour. It was late, and there was no traffic, so I came to a sudden stop to see if my speedometer might be flawed. I was surprised that I was able to stop as quickly as I had. I resumed my former speed and again, it seemed that I must be going closer to one-hundred miles per hour, but I accepted that I was beginning to hallucinate. I was only minutes from my destination, and a good night's sleep either corrected my perception or fixed my speedometer (I think the former).

Physics also teaches us that as an object approaches the speed of light (the speed limit of the universe), it becomes more massive, requiring more energy to accelerate it, and the slower time ticks away onboard the object. Instead, I see a different way to picture it. Mass and gravity are related; the greater the mass of any object, the greater its gravity. Gravity is not a property of the mass directly, but results from the deformation of the fabric of space-time around the mass. Picture a bowling ball (mass) on a trampoline surface (space-time). The (small) force of gravity for the bowling ball is shown by the depression it makes on the trampoline mat, and its attractive influence on another mass is represented by another ball, which when rolled near the bowling ball, will be attracted. Also, mass and energy are not only related, but are interchangeable (Einstein's famous equation). Therefore energy and gravity are also related.

The thought experiment becomes this; as your space ship approaches the speed of light, the ever-increasing amount of energy required to keep it accelerating goes increasingly to the deformation of space-time about your ship, thus increasing the gravity of your craft. Now, remembering that your on-board clock is slowing, picture reflective markers at ten light-seconds apart (so at the speed of light, you see one marker each ten seconds). Velocity (speed in one direction (no curves)) is distance/time. As distance (ten light-seconds) remains the same, but time decreases, then you the observer must think that you are going faster than the speed of light if and only if your perception of time (biological clock) remains the same and you notice that the (mechanical) clock is actually slowing.

Why is this interesting? For me, it is interesting because of information. If I continue the thought experiment by continually increasing energy to the system, the speed of light will have been achieved by your ship, and the deformation of space-time will eventually grow into a black hole, which is a rupture of space-time. Now consider this, if enough data-filled computer hard drives are piled together, the collective information can theoretically create a black hole, not unlike that created by the collapse of a large star. See the correlation; information: mass?

So what happens in the moment that we pass on? The information of our thoughts and the energy to maintain physical life seems to vanish from our bodies as if electromagnetic radiation (light) and our bodies begin the physical process of decay. But where does that ray of light, the information of us go, and how fast does it travel? Nobody knows, but two famous laws of our universe are the law of conservation of mass and energy, that neither can be created nor destroyed, so we do live on.

The center of a black hole is known as a 'singularity', the place where matter has infinite mass and zero volume. Since information is interchangeable with mass and energy, doesn't it make more sense that it is information that is at the center of a black hole rather than mass with zero volume? Wouldn't it also follow then that the origin of our universe, a singularity, began not with matter, or time, or distance, but with an imaginative thought – information?

The information of us (spirit is acceptable here) lives on through a ray of light radiated to the singularity of our origin through which we are all connected, and our common universes with laws governing the energy of life and matter began with a thought. Well, that's my theory and I'm sticking to it.

Just like Captain Nemo, so much of my life was in pursuit of tools and information in order to mold nature and my environment to my liking. Now, after writing this, I feel that I can finally close that book and free my mind forever from scientific posits. My theory may be right or wrong, it doesn't really matter, and it's not up for discussion. We will all eventually know the truth when we pass, and I am patient enough not to test those waters before my time. What does have minor significance is the fact that I can finally point to a reason for learning otherwise useless information, so that I can dispense with it all.

I am no longer captivated by math, physics or chemistry, distracting interests that likely helped me to keep from looking more closely at myself. There is enormous cost to have lived so long and distracted from the life that I was meant to live, yet my life is unique and I own it. I suppose I can liken it to being wrongly convicted of a crime and, after serving time, still remain on probation.

Writing this helps me to unshackle myself from the past, and from the character that I had to play. Knowing that my children would never have been born, had I lived my life true to myself, helps me to just feel grateful to live more fully from here on.

Now, I come back to biology, not for discussion of metabolism, or any other measurable process, but for something that is much more important to me – self-awareness.

As a new member of an adoptive family, I read the experience of my new-found Sister who recently experienced the painful loss of someone who had betrayed her trust and shattered her dreams. I had been through similar experiences too, and I remember how devastated I felt. However just one day later, and after the compassionate outpouring of love and understanding from her friends and family, she wrote this: "... with all the love and support being shown I do feel much better. I shall learn from this, put it behind me, and move on with my life....with time, I will be able to look back at happy conversations and the good times and the sadness will fade away."

I was struck by her ability to write those words so soon after feeling such a loss, and somehow I sensed that she will indeed recover soon.

We are more than just ourselves when we can feel the emotions of others and give comfort, or when we share of ourselves with friends and family. We can cope easier by sharing the weight of a burden, yet joy does not dissipate, it is cumulative with each person who shares it.

I had written earlier to an inspirational friend that, "I think self-awareness plus compassion, friendships, and love combine to make us more than just ourselves; that others who are close to us and their experiences become a part of us too...Even after we are gone, we still shine on, as John Lennon had said, "Like the moon and the stars and the sun" in the hearts of our friends and family (if we are so blessed)."

Well, I am so blessed! I feel alive and stronger too, knowing that others have accepted the real me into their lives. It feels so good to be home!"

My story was very personal and was greeted by comments from cherished friends. I wrote back to one,

"Janis... The inspiration for this story might seem unrelated, and the truth is, it unleashed so many personal thoughts that I couldn't sleep for two nights. It is sobering to look into the mirror and then suddenly realize that a passion I had for most of my life was little more than smoke to help hide me from myself.

Coincidences, the people in our lives, and inspiration happen when they are supposed to. That is not a law which was derived from physics but from observations and life experience (wisdom). Some mathematicians will disagree with me and they are often able to rationalize that events in our lives are less improbable than we think that they are, yet I feel certain that the perceived importance of the events coupled with the statistical probability of said event is not quantifiable, and second, that the Heisenberg uncertainty principle guarantees that not all of the events that we experience can be rationally explained.

To those who will argue that the Heisenberg uncertainty principle may not apply to the events of life, as it does in the realm of particle physics (quantum mechanics), I would remind you that: (1) Events in physics at the quantum level can affect physics at the classical level. (2) That there is no predictive way to test all of life's coincidences. (3) That as it is uncertain where life begins and physics 'leaves off'. (4) There seems to be no connective tissue yet between classical physics and quantum mechanics (there has never been found a Unified Field theory). (5) There is no reason not to think that the physics regarding life (such as love and other emotions, values, and imagination) are better described by quantum mechanics than by classical physics, if physics can ever be found to be predictive in life. Anyway, knock yourself out and prove that I am wrong.

Simply paying attention to the lessons in each of our lives and the lessons that others can teach us through their own life experiences is much more important than trying to predict the news that awaits us all someday...and look at where my feet are, on the ground right where they are supposed to be."

To another friend who commented I wrote,

"... We are more than the sum of each of us, and each of us is greater than we would otherwise be alone, as long as we share life. I had never taken family for granted, yet I lost my biological family. I am over 28 ½ years old now (okay, WAY over). Would I ever expect to feel as part of a family again? Of course I could not. So, can you imagine just how blessed I feel to hear the words shared by you and Janis? I know that you can, and I sincerely thank you with all of my heart too. I am sending love and a ray of light to you from me..."

The feeling of being accepted by others after being rejected by my own family was a blessing which gave me strength to move on with my life. The intolerance within society in general had followed me though, and I discovered a passion for speaking out wherever and whenever I saw it.

On July 30th, 2011 one of my friends was suffering from intolerance by members of her and her boyfriend's families and I wrote to her,

"I know that it is difficult sometimes to live in a country which says that we should all aspire to become the best that we can be and to pursue happiness, yet some of its own citizens impose their restrictive wills on us with impunity.

You are right Bella, to show respect to others who show disrespect to you simply demonstrates submission and condones wrongful behavior. In that case, I think you chose the only proper course, to simply remove yourself from their company. I hope that time and reason will work to open the minds who judge you..."

I read a story which begged my comment on August 6th, 2011. The story rather declared that people's lives mirror the choices that they make. I wrote,

"I know some people who seem to base their entire value system on that same mantra... They apparently believe that we are all in complete control of our destiny and that life sometimes doesn't just 'happen' while we're busy making plans (John Lennon). It helps them to feel okay while their life seems just fine to do nothing about others who suffer around them.

For those who believe that, I suppose that we should consider them an arsonist should their house start on fire from lightning, or they deserved to have grief and suffering since it must be self-imposed...but we wouldn't.

There are many who think America is the land of opportunity without also feeling that everywhere is the land of responsibility to help those in need. Capitalism is not a religion that forgives the absence of compassion, it just happens to have the fundamental flaw to be born of selfishness and greed.

The stories from Somalia are almost too horrifying to bear: Mothers who are too weak to even swat the flies that are crawling into the noses of their own babies, and groups of people just huddling unprotected from the sun on barren and parched land, begs us for our compassion. However, relief is nearly impossible for them because their government doesn't have a meaningful presence and terrorists control the area.

It's all a bit like watching some drug cartel laying siege to a city that already has no resources, all for the sake of extorting ransom from those of us who do have compassion for the victims. We can only help them a little by helping the cartel a lot; which ultimately hurts more people than it helps by condoning and supporting their behavior. "Empathy Gone Bad" is a fitting title. Cruelty is alive and well, and none of us are free from it until we all are."
CHAPTER 18 – BIGOTRY

On the same day, August 6th, 2011 my own comments inspired me to write about the 'unenlightened mind', the bigot. As I wrote the following story, I felt I was coming closer to answering a question that had haunted me for so long; "How could my own children and family leave me?"

HOW CAN YOU TELL IF YOU ARE A BIGOT? HOW CAN YOU CHANGE?

All of us, within any defined group (faith, gender, race, family, country...) find differences between ourselves and other people within and from outside ourselves or our own 'group'. We are all different from each other, so that makes perfect sense. If any differences make you feel greater than equal to anyone within your group, or with anyone from any other group, or with any other group of people generally, please take a moment to consider how your values fit into the bigot chart below.

If you chose to first read the chart left to right, then read each column separately. If you chose to read the columns separately first, then you should go back and read them from left to right.

Ask yourself; which advice is sager in any given situation that would be applicable for either?

1. Treat each and every person with the love, compassion, dignity and respect that you would wish for if you found yourself in the same circumstances, or,

2. Be yourself.

Compare your feelings to how you would like to be remembered by others for your actions and deeds.

We are all a work in progress to better ourselves.

Once we feel better about ourselves, we owe it to everyone who feels that they are somehow better than someone else to point out the error of their ways. Our society can only evolve when we all learn to 'speak out' when we witness intolerance, else we endorse it."

A wonderful friend wrote back that when she 'passes on' that she hopes to be remembered as someone who loves unconditionally. I wrote back to her,

"... It is horrifying for me to see so many in our generation who had witnessed the evils of discrimination and prejudice first hand and who perhaps had participated in protests and demonstrations, decreed a generational anthem for peace, love and civil rights, and who now seem reticent as they allow the social pendulum to swing back again.

I know that you and I each understand the experience of being judged and sentenced to live lesser lives by others through their prejudice and arrogance, including those from our own biological families. I can deal with the reality of my situation without crying (most of the time), but after writing a different story inspired by our Sister's experience of betrayal, I thought of my father's upcoming 85th birthday... which happens to be today. I so wanted to be there with him, but he wouldn't have it. That night, I asked a question that I had asked so many times over the past year; "How could they do this to me?", only this time I created the chart above to analyze exactly how they chose their behavior.

I know that failure for us to evolve socially will result in repeating a history that is both recent and almost too horrible to believe. I hope that a chorus will arise to create constructive ways to change this unacceptable social paradigm.

Don't worry for one nanosecond. You are precious to me, and I say that with all of my might. Still, I can name so many who feel no less for how their lives have been impacted and enriched by you, Janis. You have accepted me unconditionally when others simply turned away. We all love you back... and forever.

When you say that you fear religion, I wonder if you don't instead fear how some people choose to interpret religious texts and then apply their beliefs to real-life situations, rather than to rationalize and reason with pertinent information. That is how I feel. It took a long time and pain and suffering for beliefs to change regarding the concentric universe about the earth. It is difficult to debate someone who espouses their subjective beliefs (supported by their personally suited definition of 'facts') and is unwilling to engage their brain to be rational."

The pieces were coming together for me to understand the subjective ways that people think. For the time, I was able to understand how people with polar opposite concepts felt equally righteous in their personal viewpoint. There were still more pieces to add before I could learn something useful.

On August 8th, 2011 I wrote a story that was inspired by a friend who questioned the usefulness of feminism. My story was about the view to the future of 'femininity' if the trends in economic and social values here aren't changed,

WHO WANTS MEN-LITE?

Chivalry seems to be missing for the most part, at least in most casual social settings. Even its name seems out of date. It is a terrible shame and women specifically have lost a part of their identity as a result.

Those of us who have experienced social graces once commonly extended to women, represent the last living hope that women can regain what has been a cultural value and which had benefitted everyone; respect physically demonstrated to women, who are perceived as more delicate, compassionate, and social creatures generally, and men in turn were able to exhibit grace and kindness to balance their generally perceived more aggressive and self-promoting behavior in life. Importantly, there is no reflection on intellectual acuity or general capability by either gender for exhibition of what once was common manners and social etiquette.

Why then, does it seem to be disappearing?

Women have entered a male domain when they entered the workforce after World War II. Prior to then, they could retain their feminine status in the workplace if and only if they participated as care-givers, actresses, seamstresses, hair stylists, or secretaries (perhaps a few more). Once they began competing with men for a 'man's job', they needed to adapt to the same template that successful men had used since the dawn of our economic system, despite the fact that it does not fit the specific needs, nature and patterns that all women share.

In another story specifically about feminism I commented, "Can you sense that women who do best in a workplace environment designed for and by men often times do so at the cost of forsaking biological, social and other traits that are most common to their gender? If you agree that it happens, then the challenge for women is to design a better system.

It sounds like an incredibly difficult challenge at first, but once we have a plan, all we need to do is to take steps. Over time, attitudes and values will change to the design that makes the most sense, our design. The pace at which changes take place depends on our sustained enthusiasm, the wisdom of our design, the procedures we choose to make change, and most importantly, our resolute stance to end oppression and unfairness.

The cost of falling short of this goal will be nothing less than the eventual loss of femininity from all women. We will lose a part of our heritage and of ourselves to embrace the more competitive, less supportive, more violent, less compassionate ways of our counterparts..."

I hope that my generation is not the last of women who appreciate the mystique and social graces that have become a part of each of us, or at least that we can recall.

In another comment to a friend I wrote, "A gentleman recently held the door open for me when I came to work (a surprise that I regaled in). Unfortunately, some or most of us have witnessed other women who scowl at a man for opening a door that 'they would be quite capable of opening themselves, thank you very much'. Once so scorned, it isn't likely that a man will try chivalry again."

I am proud to say that I am a feminist, who more generally fights against any and all prejudice and discrimination, but I also hope and pray that younger women may carry the torch forward for this more nuanced struggle. It is no less important, for we need to win in order maintain our feminine essence and to avoid the fate of becoming 'men-lite'. Don't get me wrong, women should be free to express themselves appropriately however they choose to, and that can be by wearing the same outfit in the photo above, but I don't want us to be forced into faking who we are in order to please someone else."

There were some thoughtful and some emotional responses to my story. I responded with the following comments of my own,

"I agree with you wholly that equality and retention of our femininity is essential in order to PREVENT the eventual cultural norm of 'men-lite' who will otherwise replace us.

However, the stage is set where we will compete long term and toe-to-toe with men within the economic system (motivational forces (greed and gains for the self vs. concern and benefit for self as well as for all) and workplace (social culture with rewards for independent thinking, self-gratification, self-promotion (often at any cost to co-workers (kicking and biting encouraged by management)) to take the next rung on the ladder vs. women's more collective, compassionate, collaborative, and democratic methods to solve problems and elect leaders from among their ranks.

If we evolve to become equal on those terms, it will come at the cost of what distinguishes women from men. We, all women, will eventually become then, 'men-lite'.

A friend wrote back that she is influential with her feminine ways. I responded;

"Colleen..., but what if that man is your boss and he got where he is by fighting his way there? How well do you think you might compete with your boss's protégé to advance yourself? Even though you may compete better than most women, do you even want to compete on the same terms as those designed by and for men to be successful?

I am not thinking of you and me and our contemporaries, but of the daughters of our daughters who will see less of the compassion and love that you have, and feel increasingly at ease in using male-traditional ways to advance. After all, those will be the values taught by their mothers who are successful in the workplace, either by word or by example.

To help to make my point, consider what we have seen in our own lifetimes:

Men smoke. Women learned to smoke.

Men fight. Women learned to fight.

Men swear. Women learned how to swear.

Men drink. Women earned the right to drink socially, and then became equals to men in this regard on our watch.

Men play aggressive contact sports. Women learned how to play men's aggressive contact sports.

Men create role-models of men in the media who were physical super-heroes who fight and win. Today, and for the first time in human history, women have women role models who are men-lite of their male superhero role model counterparts.

This isn't intended to be a comprehensive list, and you are welcome to add changes that you have seen, but I think that you get my point...

I am someone who has been there, having to fake who I am in order to survive socially. Isn't it ironic that I now fear that women generally are being led away from what makes us so special?"

To another friend who commented, I wrote,

"... Jo... You know, it is shocking that any of us could be surprised yet we find ourselves astounded that women's interaction with society has changed insidiously and dramatically even over two-to-three generations. When you look at the rate of social and technological changes alone over the past century, they have probably eclipsed those from the invention of the plow to then. From that perspective, one can understand that it has been all that we can do to hang on, let alone find a trend line to see from where we have come, look at where we stand and to view where our next steps will take us. Our fate seems decided for us unless we can collectively change our path.

You are right, chivalry is all but dead, and may soon be seen exclusively in period movies. I think that we are also dangerously close to losing some of what is best of being human, the attributes which are best demonstrated by the female persona.

Maybe it needs to be pointed out that capitalism is the lens through which many of us (especially our bosses) view successful traits among us. The best system has yet to be designed that appoints value to the attributes that you mention; nurturing, care, motherhood in equal shares to others which make up the balance of the best of all of our traits as people.

It will be no small or painless change, but for me personally, I cannot stand on the sidelines and watch silently as our future daughters lose a part of their social and cultural heritage. No one knows how a culture of men and 'men-lite' might thrive or fail, but I think that it would make for a horrifying plot in a movie. Success is our only option."

From another comment by a friend, I wrote back,

"Thank you for 'getting it'. I was inspired to 'get it' when I was listening and participating in a very thought provoking discussion about feminism by Ruth.

I have been thinking about this for a while, but effective change gets very complicated in short time. A vision that works may have to be a part of a complex system of changes, but the requirement should be that change needs to happen within two generations (that's just my guess on how much time we have to preserve what remains of our feminine identity).

We need to draw some attention to this in order to find thoughtful and passionate people to think and to write so we can gather ideas and use our collective wisdom to find the solution that works best. What we don't need is fear. We don't have answers to fear yet."

A ranking military man commented that some women blame feminism for the fact that they have to work. I responded,

"... I remember the promise of the 'computer age' before it actually happened (since then also called 'information age'), productivity would double or triple what it had been, and workers would be working two to four days per week as a result. The truth is that productivity did not increase at least right away (productivity paradox) partly due to IT costs, and productivity was difficult to measure anyway.

In the end, the impact that computers originally had on our economy was nothing as significant as the dawn of the industrial age. I would say that your exasperated friend was incorrect to blame the feminists for having to work. For most women, working is not a role mandated by feminists, or even a choice through (one of many) rights fought for and won by feminists. In fact, women were first introduced to the then exclusively male jobs as a needed resource in order to win WWII (this was before I was born, but I think of the posters of 'Rosie the Riveter').

That war ended in 1945, but the Korean War started only five years later. Women had proven themselves as productive workers and feminists worked for women's right to choose to work... quite fortunately, as a matter of fact, because economics was the whip-cracker for your friend. The gap between household income and rising prices simply forced women from their traditional roles for the first time since... ever?

Her exclamation certainly points to something else important though, the word, 'feminist' elicits a harshness that is not uncommon, but also is undeserved for a group of women striving for equality (which means rising from a place where they were considered inferior). No one is greater than equal, and no one deserves to be treated less than equal... period. Your friend probably believes that, as (I hope) most of us do, but the word had been demonized by opponents to equal rights for women (who also called feminists 'men-haters'). Sad, isn't it that the negative connotation of a 'feminist' persists?

Another sad point that your comment makes is the interaction between men and women within the workplace... really two sad points: (1) In otherwise identical circumstances, some men still have trouble 'adapting' to women (thinking generally, and not specific to the military here) in positions superior to their own. (2) Some men (like you) recognize additional challenges placed on women for traditional male roles, and while you may feel compassion for their obvious struggle to prove superior capability (often for a smaller salary), you certainly cannot express it. She needs to maintain her rank and a compassionate reach by you or by anyone may very well appear to be condescending or patronizing per tradition within the male-needs derived workplace environment. Again, I am not thinking particularly of the military service environment (I just don't feel qualified) but more generally in the workplace, this situation is awkward and tolerated because it is 'the only game in town'. There has yet to be invented, adopted, and implemented a new game which motivates us through the use of the best of our skills and values, both men's and women's.

... I remember both of my grandmothers well and I love them both, but I wish I had your experience to recall the way that your grandmother was a role model for your family, to hear from her perspective what it was like to pass on the distinctive social expectations for each gender. Perhaps her struggle to teach her girls was typical of her generation and many generations before hers, or maybe there was a change in the winds of society that only dissident younger minds could detect then, and which might have challenged our grandmothers even more.

At some point, women will need to understand and learn from women like your grandmother and mine in order to find our way to a path which maintains our identity as women over time."

I responded to another's comment,

"... It will be a challenge for historians to determine the point of inflection in the social path of women, exactly where and how our culture changed to threaten a part of what had been identifying character traits of our feminine gender. Now and for the first time, women and men stand at a threshold where we can see that women are on a path to lose a part of their identity...None of us can anticipate the social consequences should that ever become a fact to be found.

I think about the trend which may be bringing us as a people to the point that Sunshine made that...'We might as well all be asexual'. While this is alarming to women, it should also be to men. Women's needs must drive the change, but change will affect everyone. The solution will be born of a vision or an amalgamation of visions of a future where the best of human traits, both male and female, are rewarded in a new social framework. The path to getting there will be to think backwards in steps that we can follow in reverse."

A man wrote that women want to be equal when it is convenient for them. I responded,

"Again, to be clear, I am a feminist who doesn't 'want' to be equal to a man, I AM equal to any man and to anyone. I don't want to be treated like a woman when it is 'convenient' for me, I expect to be treated with the respect that social graces had evolved to discern ladies from gentlemen, at all times. Not only do I demand equality and respect, but also I demand equality and respect for all people now and in future generations. There is no basis for discrimination of any kind when we can all determine the social truth that we are, ALL OF US, equal.

The differences between cultures and other parameters cannot be debated to say if some are greater than equal, any more than women and men can have the debate that one sex is greater than equal to the other. Note again, I am not proposing that women become greater than equal, I simply demand that we are respected for our biological, social, cultural, and all other differences while retaining equality within our culture (social, political, spiritual, economic, judicial... everywhere).

This story is about the decline of that social evolution which celebrates gender differences with 'respect' and how social modernity is erasing what is likely to be a fundamental social requirement for our survival, those same gender differences.

I am only hoping for what every father and every mother should hope for, an environment where their daughters can thrive by expressing themselves honestly with the collection of attributes that are unique to them AND in common with men, as opposed to hoping that their daughters can learn to cope in a 'man's' world by adapting to a formula for success designed by men for men. The new formula needs to be one designed for the best attributes of both men and women.

I am happy that you and your sons are courteous and thoughtful towards women, but this story isn't about the here and now. As I had stated earlier, a die has been cast which threatens women to become 'men-lite' in succeeding generations. The consequences can affect everyone... "

A woman wrote that she doesn't bother with caring about equality. I responded,

"Kita, you don't care about 'the equal opportunity thing'?

Equality gives a woman her right to decide what is in her own best interest. I wrote this comment in the story by Ruth which inspired this story,

"Women in Hitler's Germany didn't have that right, and thousands were told by letter that because of their physical or mental health, for their genetics, or for any reason decided by the state that they were not suitable to bear offspring and that they would be required (forced) to be sterilized. How many of us didn't know this because someone thought in the scheme of things during that tumultuous period, that it wasn't worth more than a subtle mention, if mentioned at all? Can you imagine withholding such an atrocity from mainstream history? How belittling it is to women that personal rights regarding their own bodies didn't deserve more than a subtle whisper in recorded history.

I bring this up to demonstrate that we need to be concerned. State laws in South Dakota, Florida, and Kansas have already been changed to practically take away a woman's choice and force her to have a child. Are women protesting? Are there demonstrations on college campuses and in front of state capitols? No!

... With our busy lives, it is easy to think, 'no need to worry. These are modern times. Surely, someone will see the injustice and they will watch out for us'.

This is but one example of how our rights are being taken away. If you wonder; 'How can they be taken from us?' The answer is because we acknowledge that others are greater than equal to us by doing nothing when they make the attempt. We don't speak out! We don't take charge. Therefore, they take the right of dominion over us.

There is no group of adult people that we feel are incompetent to make decisions for themselves relevant to their bodies, their jobs, their daily lives, or any metric. An attempt to make decisions for them regardless of what they might think is in their own best interest would be an insult to their equality to us.

We therefore cannot allow others to determine for us what is in our own best interest without insulting, and diminishing ourselves to them.

Please Kita, care. It is not a small thing to women today and tomorrow if we shun our responsibility for self-determination or accept less than equal pay for equal work. If you accept less than equal pay, rights or any other form of inequality, then you also accept that treatment for your daughters and all of society's daughters who follow you.

We are all entitled to our opinions, as you said. What is your opinion of your social responsibility?"

A friend wrote again in support of the theme for my concern. I wrote back,

"... Jo, I wasn't looking for a problem when I decided to write this story, and my legs were a bit shaky at first. I can see that you understand what this story is about, and I sense that you feel that it is important to think about. Thank you for pointing out so well that this is about equality and cultural environment and not about manners.

I want to thank everyone who commented so far and helped to fuel this dialogue. I hope that everyone who reads this story and comments will wonder about what comes next. I certainly do.

Can we evolve to a new social paradigm where our descendants look back with pride that we recognized and found a solution to an enormous social challenge? 'Yes', is the only acceptable answer."

A man protested my story and I wrote,

"...The point is made again with the following quote regarding successful women conforming to the template set by men for men but who shy away from feminism.

I sense some enmity in your words. My intention is to help women to find a place in a societal framework where their innate feminine attributes will not be lost. To argue my motive would be to argue that feminine essence is not worth the attempt to preserve and that 'men-lite' is acceptable to you. If so, I respect your opinion and we can agree to disagree."

In response to another's comment I wrote,

"... I only disagree with you slightly, and with all respect that bias is most obvious in religious institutions. While there is obvious bias there, there certainly is where glass ceilings continue to persist in the workplace and in politics and law where men usually control the rights relating to women, both as they relate to her body and to civil law.

While this story is not specifically relating to equality, but to how the current western culture and workplace environment threatens traits most commonly held and expressed by women, equality and acceptance are essential to making effective changes. You may find some, if not all, of the comments to this story helpful in understanding my concerns. The story itself is rather short for the topic, as I was hoping to attract comments to help articulate a new concern.

I just finished writing another story today called, 'One', which is an offshoot of this story written because I recognized that acceptance is the prerequisite for the important social changes that I advocated for here.

An argument in that story, which I feel encouraged and am hopeful that you will be supportive of, is for the wholesale acceptance of all people as equal.

Another man wrote who seemed to feel threatened by change and I responded,

"... That women want men to be more emotional seems to be a constant battle cry for men before and during what was once called the 'war between the sexes'... and ever since. I don't think that women have ever asked for, or wanted men to exchange their logic for emotion though. Sometimes, it is necessary for men to see with compassionate eyes in order to understand that a woman or someone else may be suffering, or need some support when the reasons don't fit the framework of an entirely logical perspective. It doesn't take away masculinity for a man to become more sensitive to his surroundings, although I sense from your words that it can seem so to you.

Let me give you an example, which I hope will show logical reasoning for you to understand the need to embrace 'emotion oriented' sensitivity: Whether married or in an effective partnership, it is the responsibility of each to be at least a friend in times of need...you should be more, but I am looking for logical reasoning here. Understanding that she is 'emotion oriented' (your words), you need to learn what the differences are for her support network compared to your own in order to be the friend that she needs.

To make a finer point, consider this scenario: You may have a best friend who tells you, "Get over it!" meaning, "Yeah, you know I've been there too. I am sorry that you feel ashamed for not having found a job yet, and I know that you feel useless as dirt, but you know I've got your back and I'll always be here to lend a hand."; a response to you when you tell him, "Well, I've seen better days...". You also may not be able to even go there with a friend, thinking that you will betray your own sense of 'rugged individualism', self-determination, and self-reliance.

It can be difficult for you to see from her eyes then, when she doesn't think in those terms or communicate in the same obtuse ways with her friends. Instead, she understands what you need from her and she says something more direct... like, "I know that you are doing your best in these hard times honey, and I want you to know that I am proud of you. Never worry about me; I'll always be right by your side. I'm not going anywhere."

She just wants you to understand that she can feel just as badly or insecure for different reasons. She may rely on a social support network to maintain her self-image and perhaps heard a disparaging remark or misunderstood something you, your friend or your mother said to her or about her. As her friend, you should understand that you need to take off your "I'm with my buddy" hat, and really listen and try to understand her from her perspective and communicate with her in terms that are meaningful to her.

You don't need to do more than that. She just wants you to help her by sharing the burden of her sadness or insecurity, as any friend of hers would do. Is it so difficult to say, "Gee, (pet name here), I am sure there must have been a misunderstanding. How could someone have overlooked your giving nature or your predisposition to help others, or your ever-present good intentions? Try not to feel so bad. I know you and I understand why this seems unfair to you." To not do that is be unable to even be her friend... you will have left her to suffer alone and in silence... or worse if you complain that she is expecting too much from you to help her when she is suffering.

I know that it's not an easy thing for some men to become aware to a woman's sensitivities that they may not or don't have themselves, but it really is a value add and doesn't take away from a man's character at all. I am not Ann Landers, and I may have needed more help in order for this to make sense to you, but I hope that what I have said helps.

I am a little more into my comfort zone about your second point. I can understand perfectly well that it is confusing to know when a display of chivalry is appropriate. There are many women who are adapting well to a man's paradigm and who might take the gesture as intrusive, or worse; condescending or corny. You simply have to judge, and if you are wrong, don't beat yourself up or feel bad for what they lack, appreciation for a sincerely nice gesture from a kind and respectful heart. I will certainly be there to give you a smile and a pat on the back (in spirit, of course) if ever you need one.

Back to the point of my story, the very thing you recognize as "emotion oriented (a normal female trait)". This is one of many recognizable differences between the sexes and owned primarily by women, which may become extinct in future generations if we are unable to allow those traits to become exercised and rewarded right alongside of those more manly traits which are currently rewarded.

Just to be clear, I want men to understand that, even though some differences may be difficult to understand about women, they aren't impossible to understand either. The question comes back to you then, which would you rather have? Women who can be a challenge to understand sometimes (but are a value add for helping you to see through a more compassionate lens at the world), or 'men-lite' who lack those differences and who you can understand perfectly well with no trouble... and who also may show their support and understanding that you are feeling like 'dirt' by saying something encouraging, comforting, and uplifting, like, "Get over it!""
CHAPTER 19 – WAR: HOW DUMB IS IT?

The previous story and the comments set my focus on social, rather than personal issues, mostly about equality. From there my attention briefly turned to the institution of war. On August 10th, 2011 I wrote the following comments to a story from a friend,

"...My father used to say (and he probably continues to say) that war is a necessity. I would agree with that idea, if and only if I could believe the notion that tough-guy body builders (Rambo?) are more effective decision makers for the public than intellectualists. Think about this for a moment: Once upon a time, killing the opposition made sense to impatient and small-minded people in order to settle disputes (say pre-history to 1945 (end of World War II)).

After witnessing the atomic bomb, those of us who paid attention learned a phrase from the clash of superpowers – 'mutually assured destruction' (MAD). We realized then that if either side to this incompatible relationship decided to fire the first shot, that both sides would be destroyed and a great deal of the rest of the world would be sacrificed as collateral damage.

The only hope that human kind has to survive increasing population and dwindling resources and the ever increasing technology to mass-murder, is for rational minds to solve problems, not war hawks or body builders.

I think that there are more who still feel like my father than you and I, Colleen...; mostly because they can point to so many example conflicts. Those who think like us don't have so much data to point to. But consider this too; aside from the human costs, look at how much more difficult it is to recreate the destruction from bombing a city (think of Dresden or London in WWII).

Science calls this entropy- randomness in a system. Entropy increases in the universe over time (I can think of things that are exceptions). Atoms decay, bridges erode (everything seeks a lower energy state). The example I remember is the wine glass bumped onto a kitchen floor which breaks. It is easily broken, but very difficult to put back together.

So, all of you proponents of war, and all of you who say we can never escape from it, let me ask you: What is it about war that makes sense to you? Why can't you think of a better alternative? There should be enough motivation, if you have enough compassion to identify with innocent men, women, and children who are dying every day from neglect, abuse, exposure, and starvation... right now...because of the unquestioned institution of war."

My comment was met by a question, to which I responded,

"... There are solutions to be found that will keep people from being harmed by others, individually, socially, and even internationally. Think of some of them so that we can all choose from among the best that are (or can be) physically possible, financially feasible, legally permissible, and socially acceptable.

We are all responsible for how our brothers and sisters are treated, regardless of borders. Someday, sooner or later, everyone will be happy to have graduated from the time of settling disputes with a 'big stick'... I hope it is sooner."

In response to criticism that there can be no substitute for war, I added,

"I too understand the politics, the economics, the social fears, propaganda, traditions, etc. that make up the institution of war. If you are smart, war is as dumb as you think it is; else, war is as dumb as you think. My point is that war is dumb.

There will be a time in the future when all people look back in wonder at how long we have allowed ourselves to be slaves to the insanity of war instead of solving our problems rationally.

If you can visualize a comprehensive system of laws and international protocol to snuff out a potential war between a few by the rest of us, then it can happen. If along your way there is an obstacle to your plan then you don't quit, you find a solution. Ultimately, your view of how to do it will be one of millions of potential ways with which we can use our minds instead of land mines to make decisions. In the end, only one view will prevail. That's the only one we need.

There is good reason for hope. You and I are innocents no different from the innocents that Colleen so well described. They are our brothers and sisters and we can trade places with them. None of us are free from being innocent victims until we all are. We should all feel motivated to come up with a constructive way for humans to interact when confronted with a problem. The only wholly unacceptable plan... is war.

By the way, civilian loss of life (murder) during WWII was greater than military losses. Just by knowing that fact, and that those precious lives (no less precious than our own) were sacrificed for no gain toward war's end is yet another super-adequate reason for using our heads to make war obsolete sooner than later.

Someone can do this and someday this will be done. We should all use Colleen's inspirational story to visualize that day and then make a plan to get there. That's how it starts...

I know that you feel contempt for war and for those who profit from it too. Do you think that it is impossible to someday avoid passing the horror of war on to every subsequent generation?"

My heart was pumping and I felt my passion to speak out as I challenged the institution of war.

Just as I needed a distraction to calm down, Annie found one for me. A challenge to her award of unemployment by her former employer had failed. In fact, Annie was wrongfully terminated and she took me out to celebrate. I wrote to my friends on the following day, August 13th, 2011,

"...But here is the really good news: Last night Annie took me shopping and out to dinner to celebrate our good fortune. She didn't go with her husband, she went with ME. Annie used my name, addressed me with proper pronouns, introduced me to others, and genuinely seemed proud to be with me.

I am trying to tell all of my friends how alive I feel, how happy I am, and how proud I am of Annie for truly accepting me, in the best way that I know how; I am having a [virtual] picnic and you are all invited. Everything but your smile is catered and you can stay for however long you choose."

To a friend who wrote a comment I added,

"I have to tell you this, while driving, Annie turned to me today and she got teary-eyed saying what a wonderful time she had with me yesterday and that she really wanted to do something to make me happy. Well, she most certainly did! I told her that I cannot remember any time over the last three years that filled me with as much joy. I feel lighter than air to have shared such a wonderful time with Annie, and now I feel like dancing."

With the help of Annie and my SN friends, I was regaining my self-esteem. On August 13, 2011 that same day I wrote,

"When I was young I fantasized about the ocean. I visualized that when I met her I would kneel before her and join with her as my tears of joy would finally and forever become a part of her.

There is something in the fact that the ocean is at sea level that brings peace to me when I think of her. I may never actually be with her, but there is nothing as perfect as the vision and the feelings that I have carried with me for most of my life about being with her... I just have so much to do while my clock still ticks...

That's what I need, something to make me feel like the weight of the world isn't on my shoulders. Sometimes I escape, to capture beauty and a glimpse of perfection, but just for a while. The quest that I have to find solutions to difficult, persistent, and even unacknowledged problems helps to assuage my fear that none will be found in (my) time, but I am also aware that I need some 'me' time.

There are so many solutions that I need to help find and share before my life is over. I know that it isn't likely that I will find the most useful solutions, but I cannot accept how some things are, or how I think some things will change, and I have to do my part to contribute or I will feel responsible for failure. I will not allow myself to disappoint those whom I care so much for, people I know and people whom I don't know at all...

I am learning a little about myself here... Sometimes I wish that someone would just hold my hand and tell me that I am okay and that I just need to rest. I am sleep deprived."

With regard to the sentiments of my phrase, "while my clock still ticks" I acknowledged my own mortality again four days later, when on August 17th, 2011 I wrote to a friend,

"Aside from the wins and losses with family and friends... Only my partner has stayed with me, but the best is ahead of me. I am finally known by my name. Nothing else is more important to me than to be remembered honestly, and not as the character actor that I had been for so many years.

Now, I belong to our circle of supporting Sisters, and my friends here are a part of me too. I was devastated, but now I am strong... I am seeing signs of increasing acceptance too. We should celebrate our victories and hope should be kept alive that suffering for each of us can end someday."

My purpose was becoming clear and I again found strength to help a friend who was being mistreated. On August 20th, 2011 I wrote to her,

"I have heard you say 'embarrassed' and 'insignificant'. I am truly heartbroken to learn that you feel that way. You are a gifted, intelligent, and compassionate person who deserves to be as happy as life can afford anyone. I hope that the person who made you feel that way can be made to understand how his behavior affected you and that he can become an example for others like him to change.

I know how it feels to be isolated and ignored by others, but I am finally seeing some people change, including my partner. For the first time in years, I am seeing some break in the clouds. I am fortunate, and I am lucky. We both know that some people just lack the compassion or the will to change.

When I felt embarrassed and insignificant, you and others here helped me. Count on me and your other friends to help you to find the strength that you need in order to find a safer place, even if the only option that you have is where you are.

My family is my friends. I won't ever ignore you, friend. You are important to us, and we will see you feel strong again."

Apparently, the boost to my self-confidence over recent weeks had made an impression on my own appearance. Remembering that I had to dress in men's clothing while at work, imagine how gleeful I felt when I wrote this to a friend on August 26th, 2011,

"I wish you could know how much it impacts me to hear that I am missed. Thank you for saying that, Colleen.

... Tuesday, I was walking down a long corridor at work and saw a man walking toward me. As we got closer, he lit up, bright-eyed and with a big smile he wished me a 'good day'. Wednesday, he saw me as I arrived at work. From the parking lot, I went through the building doors and he was about fifty feet behind me. He ran down the hallway to catch up with me giddy as a school boy with nothing but small talk for the twenty seconds before I badged in. It was the first time that I have been 'hit on' and I felt like I had never felt before. I could hardly contain the joy and feelings which I don't even know how to put into words. I had butterflies in my stomach and I felt as light as air.

You may recall that I have to dress in deceiving clothes, because I am not allowed to 'come out' at work, but I am not fooling everyone. I came home to relay my experience to Annie (I cannot help but to tell her EVERYTHING), then I observed how serious relationships usually seem to start that way, heightened interest, doting, awareness of the other's most nuanced expressions, concerns, joys, fears...then something happens over time – complacency.

It often happens that partners begin to take each other for granted as they become familiar as does everything else in our daily lives. There are others who have the minds of easily entertained children when it comes to the people in our lives, people like you and me. We are continually engaged, entertained, entwined, and enamored by our friends and the people we love.

I tell Annie often, that I am SO glad that we met and that I care about her. I cannot imagine my life without her.

You too, Colleen...you are a part of me and I would never be the same if you were gone. I wish we could make others see from our eyes. Maybe it is possible in a theoretical world, and maybe we could come up with a working model to help most people to appreciate others as we do, if only we could be in more than one place at the same time, we could try to find a solution for complacency, for war, general atrophy of social values (such as honesty and respect for others), and for the threat society holds to diminish distinctive feminine attributes.

After that, we could just plain fix the world, sit back and say in unison, "Let's party!"

Oh well, it is a temporary reprieve to 'dream big' anyway...  
Love,  
Natalae"

In support of another friend who was abandoned by her family for her personal beliefs, I listened to my own words healing myself as I wrote this also on August 26th, 2011,

"Dearest Janis,

... I am so sorrowful of your disappointment of the two of them. Yes, I know how it feels when others we care for abandon us because of their demands and expectations rather than showing compassion and acceptance. Just remember, we cannot hold onto others who will not or cannot accept us for our true selves. Also remember that those who know the truth of you and accept you will never leave. Of course that means me, among many others.

I struggled with forgiveness for my family. I cannot understand their behavior or the behavior of your brother and his wife. I would never do such a thing to anyone, let alone family. Rather than forgive what I cannot understand, I have gotten close to a place of indifference.

I cannot change others, or give them what they lack to appreciate others who differ from themselves. I don't hate either. I just turned away from those who turned away from me. I know it is too sad for words to express, but what else can we do?

Isn't it also sad that people as in our families who boast of their religious piousness seem to lack the honorable behavior that their religion teaches? There must be more people who practice Christianity who walk the path of Jesus, but they can be so difficult to find!...

Here's a piece of philosophy I have on my desk that might just as well have come from a holy book than from Winston Churchill: "Never, Never, Never Quit" That's the most poignant thing I can say to you now. Just be yourself as only you can be, and you will be loved. Let those who cannot accept either of us find comfort in their own company, and let us hope and pray that they will someday be able to see beyond themselves, and that they will not try to hurt us beyond the shunning before they get there.

Last Monday was my daughter's birthday. My father's 85th birthday (big family celebration) was this month too. My nephew's high school graduation and my son's birthday were this summer. I missed them all, and I will miss all future holidays and anniversaries. The good news is that I have you and your light inside of me. Honestly, I never thought that I could feel this strong again, but I do. I am VERY strong. Whenever you need a sample, just call on me. Nothing is off limits for sharing between friends...

Natalae"

I was dealing from a position of emotional strength when on August 28th, 2011 I wrote to a different friend about her struggle to find acceptance,

"I think that I understand how you feel, Jo. It is not in our nature to live a lie, and presenting ourselves to others in the only way that they can accept us comes at our expense. Unfortunately, we lose many friends and family when we live our lives on our own terms, honest with our true nature.

I am not able to be myself at work, one of many compromises made with my partner. As a result, I cannot get to know anyone there. Co-workers get together for lunch and have after work activities, but I cannot participate without advancing the lie that I am that person in male disguise. I am Natalae, and no one knows me who doesn't understand my name, not even the people that I see every weekday.

Obviously, there continues to be issues with me and with most people who are familiar with our path, some lack the resources or have health issues or other concerns (like compromise with our partners) that prevent them from being able to live full lives with gender presentation in harmony with our hearts and mind.

I feel strong again and for the first time. I see many things through new eyes, especially myself. I feel much more engaged with the world, even though I am alone often due to the loss of family and friends.

I always thank my lucky stars that I had the courage to come out from under the weight of my dishonesty to myself and that I had friends like you, who helped me to cope with the (sometimes overwhelming) emotional costs that we all must endure..."

That same day on August 28th, 2011 I replied to a friend's response to some rather off-topic remarks by others in my previous story, 'Who Wants Men-Lite'.

"'What the heck?'

You sound just like me, Jo! I use that phrase a lot.

I felt very alone when I first put my concern for the potential loss of women's identity to print, and the time that it took for others to comprehend it was time that I felt very insecure about it; 'will others simply dismiss it and me as irrational?' or 'am I able to articulate it well enough so that others will be motivated to help to find solutions?'...

I always used to think (and still do) about how I would structure a society (customs, legal system, political system, economic framework, etc.) to solve most of the social ills of the world and debase the need for any war. I would start from scratch by building a 'green' under-sea country just off-shore from you near the Great Barrier Reef. The story and comments made to a story by Ruth just made 'Who Wants Men-Lite' click for me...

Personally, I am worried about the concerns I raised in 'Who Wants Men-Lite' and I hope that others find better solutions for an urgent situation before I get around to writing about my own. It makes me sick inside to think that you and I have had to lie about our true selves for most of our lives, and after having mustered the courage and endured the suffering through transition, to only find ourselves among an entire gender that potentially can lose their true identity and end up living as we had. It is not only ironic, but also nightmarish for all women! It simply cannot be allowed to happen...

Natalae"

Even as I was becoming more extroverted in my thinking of society and equality, there were still changes within me that I was dealing with. On September 1st, 2011 I wrote to a friend about new feelings toward motherhood vs. old feelings of simply being a parent, but from a position of personal strength,

"... Whether it's the hormones or the 'new eyes', I am going through a difficult time just for the fact that I cannot have children! Honestly, I start to cry sometimes, like a woman in her twenties might feel after being told that she is barren! The good news is that Annie totally accepts me and understands, and that I have good friends like you to share how I feel (only you and Annie know this about me). I am very happy with how much stronger I feel, and I really don't want to be 75 when my children are in their teens...Maybe some of it is that I feel as though I have no children because my children no longer see me as their parent."

On September 3rd, 2011 I wrote some supportive words, which helped me too,

"It is uncomfortable, awkward, and sometimes demeaning to have to start all over again. I have done it many times and in many different ways (I hate that I have lived long enough to say that!).

I don't always recall this myself, but it is a good thing to remember how fortunate we are to have a new day every day, and that friends are here who care about one another to take the edge off.

Each of us has our struggles. There is comfort just knowing that we are in good company when we are with those who understand and still accept us for all of our gifts and imperfections (which ultimately challenge us to become better than we are). They halve the pain on bad days and they double the joy on those even more memorable 'good' days... "

From a position of new-found strength on that same day, September 3rd, 2011 I wrote another argument for social equality that was inspired by my previous story,

ONE

Most of us have been made aware of Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs at some point in our lives. From the foundation to the pinnacle, there are physiological needs (air, water, food, shelter, sleep, and sex), safety and security, love and belongingness, self-esteem, and self-actualization (vitality, creativity, self-sufficiency, authenticity (meeting or exceeding one's own expectations; willingness to diverge from cultural norms out of integrity and/or curiosity, flexibility, acceptance of other's nonconformity), playfulness, and meaningfulness (willingness to confront life as it is; including uncomfortable contradiction and/or paradox, and tolerance of ambiguity)).

The argument is that our needs must be met in the prescribed order to achieve a meaningful life, but where is the equivalent of the needs hierarchy when it comes to assessing the values necessary for each of us to become connected in a social fabric of interdependence?

'Respect' is the word which came to my mind that would head this list. Respect is the value that would show equivalency in interacting with others; and is the value, which when goes missing leads to tragedy. Witness as a macro example the display between the US congress and the White House (executive branch) in recent months and days.

I am writing this story as an offshoot from another I wrote that deals with a topic which I have been quite consumed by lately called, "Who Wants Men-Lite?" In it, I explore the idea that a new workplace and cultural framework needs to be created in order to preserve integral components of the female persona, which if lost would be difficult or impossible to recover, and would affect women and men in a culture that would become more asexual.

It is no simple task to design a new social framework that would favor the best human attributes (male and female) and implement it within a two generation timeframe, but before we can do anything, we must all agree that equality is for everyone. For those who disagree, please continue reading. Others can skip to 'NOW THAT WE ARE ALL IN AGREEANCE'.

Ask yourself, which advice is sager in any given situation that would be applicable for either?

1) Treat each and every person with the love, compassion, dignity and respect that you would wish for if you found yourself in the same circumstances, or,

2) Be yourself.

Understand that for discrimination to occur there must be a person or a group who feels superior to another (greater than equal). Also, understand that once defined as superior by those who see themselves as such, or by others who are persecuted by those others, then all rights and privileges assigned to the persecuted can be granted or denied by the group with assumed dominion. A recent look at Hitler's Germany shows us how precedent of dominion can become a slippery slope to depravity and even genocide.

I don't want that and I know that you don't either. Some will look at a historical timeline and point to all of the strides that have been made for rights; for races, women, gays and others, but there are fundamental flaws to the gains made by those groups in our society.

First, as the distance closes between intolerance and acceptability (equal rights and social interaction), the clamor for equality softens and the likelihood of complete equality decreases. While this 'close approximation' to equality might not sound too bad, consider this; until absolute equality is achieved, any and all strides towards equality can be reversed. Example, women's right to choose abortion is being effectively and practically taken away by right-wing governors and state legislators in several states who make abortion more difficult to access. Likewise, minorities (who tend to vote majority Democrat) will have less access to vote as redistricting, photo id requirements, restricted early absentee ballots, and other measures are legislated by right-wing Republicans.

Secondly, each of the groups fighting for the right to be equal is fighting independently from other persecuted or marginalized groups. Why does that make sense to anyone? It is like each group suggesting that they deserve equality but that other groups will have to be judged on their own merits, implying that others may not deserve equality in their eyes.

Again, ask yourself, which advice is sager in any given situation that would be applicable for either?

1) Treat each and every person with the love, compassion, dignity and respect that you would wish for if you found yourself in the same circumstances, or,

2) Be yourself.

NOW THAT WE ARE ALL IN AGREEANCE

This works well as a rule of thumb to make the case for equality everywhere, but what we lack when dealing with acceptance is a socially normal system of values that allows us to see collectively the wisdom of equality. Put another way, once we live long enough to become self-actualized through Maslow's Hierarchy Of Needs, we can begin to come to terms with the notion of social equality if and when we get around to it; whether we deal with discrimination and marginalization on a personal level or just by stopping for a moment to ponder how we would feel if we were born with different bodies, different skin color, talents, intelligence, inheritance, or any other parameter which is part of being human.

Instead, we should teach values to our children which lets them see early on, how society can either be enhanced through all of us being accepted by each other as equal, despite our differences, or society can run the risk of deteriorating into unimaginable horror suffered by millions of us that history has already recorded for our educational benefit.

Not only is it important to learn the values which will enlighten us, but we must see to it as best we can, that future generations follow the same prescription as part of a social heritage which preserves enlightened social harmony.

I began to look for a hierarchy of personal and social values to teach and to learn from ourselves to reinforce the righteousness of our plan. One of the first things I found was this from Wikipedia:

"Hierarchy of values is a concept in US legal analysis that Yale Law School Professor Myres MacDougal popularized. [1] It refers to an ordered list of social values that influence judicial decision-making. Different jurists or legal analysts may order values in different hierarchies, which lead them to decide particular controversies differently. One jurist may value predictability and certainty of expectation very highly and value fine-tuning the result to the equities of the individual case somewhat lower, while another might order these values in the other direction. Accordingly, in a given case one jurist might well reach a result contrary to that which the other jurist reached. A 2002 study group concluded that "there was no well-developed and authoritative hierarchy of values in international law."

Still without having named certain values (like respect, honesty, and integrity, etc.), I found this perplexing, that having emphasis on certain values in order and prominence can lead to different conclusions by different people. There are too many values to consider and too many combinations of priority to emphasize in order to reach generally similar conclusions. Therefore, a discussion of the 'hierarchy of values' seems paramount to a discussion of values as they relate to social equality and acceptance of those differences that others pose all around us. I did manage to find an in-exhaustive list of values in consideration for teaching our heirs.

Some missing values are:

Acceptance  
Appreciation  
Attentiveness  
Affection  
Belonging  
Compassion  
Encouragement  
Grace  
Guidance  
Inclusiveness  
Kindness  
Open-mindedness  
Trustworthiness  
Understanding

Perhaps as enlightening a conversation that can be made about values, their definitions and examples, can be a discussion of famous quotes. I found these about a single value; integrity:

Love all, trust a few, do wrong to none.  
~William Shakespeare

Transcend political correctness and strive for human righteousness.  
~Anthony J. D'Angelo  
The College Blue Book

Wisdom is knowing what to do next; virtue is doing it.  
~David Star Jordan  
The Philosophy of Despair

If you have integrity, nothing else matters. If you don't have integrity, nothing else matters.  
~Alan Simpson

Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live; it is asking others to live as one wishes to live.  
~Oscar Wilde  
The Soul of Man Under Socialism

Do not believe in anything simply because you have heard it. Do not believe in anything simply because it is spoken and rumored by many. Do not believe in anything simply because it is found written in your religious books. Do not believe in anything merely on the authority of your teachers and elders. Do not believe in traditions because they have been handed down for many generations. But after observation and analysis, when you find that anything agrees with reason and is conducive to the good and benefit of one and all, then accept it and live up to it.  
~Buddha

One does evil enough when one does nothing good.  
~German Proverb

Try not to become a man of success but rather try to become a man of value.  
~Albert Einstein

I thank Thee first because I was never robbed before; second, because although they took my purse they did not take my life; third, because although they took my all, it was not much; and fourth because it was I who was robbed, and not I who robbed.  
~Matthew Henry

To thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man.  
~William Shakespeare  
Hamlet

Dignity consists not in possessing honors, but in the consciousness that we deserve them.  
~Aristotle

To know what is right and not do it is the worst cowardice.  
~Confucius

If we cannot live so as to be happy, let us at least live so as to deserve it.  
~Immanuel Hermes von Fichte

God grant me the courage not to give up what I think is right even though I think it is hopeless.  
~Chester W. Nimitz

The reputation of a thousand years may be determined by the conduct of one hour.  
~Japanese Proverb

For the human mind is seldom at stay: If you do not grow better, you will most undoubtedly grow worse.  
~Samuel Richardson

Sometimes, to do the right thing, we must keep a promise we never made.  
~Robert Brail  
robertbrault.com

If everyone were clothed with integrity, if every heart were just, frank, kindly, the other virtues would be well-nigh useless, since their chief purpose is to make us bear with patience the injustice of our fellows.  
~Jean Baptiste Molière,  
Le Misanthrope

If honor be your clothing, the suit will last a lifetime; but if clothing be your honor, it will soon be worn threadbare.  
~William Arno

If a man is not rising upwards to be an angel, depend upon it, he is sinking downwards to be a devil.  
~Samuel Taylor Coleridge

To speak ill of others is a dishonest way of praising ourselves.  
~Will Durant

I am prepared to die, but there is no cause for which I am prepared to kill.  
~Mahatma Gandhi

If it be a sin to covet honor, I am the most offending soul.  
~William Shakespeare

It is easier to find a score of men wise enough to discover the truth than to find one intrepid enough, in the face of opposition, to stand up for it.  
~A.A. Hodge

Have no fear of robbers or murderers. They are external dangers, petty dangers. We should fear ourselves. Prejudices are the real robbers; vices the real murders. The great dangers are within us. Why worry about what threatens our heads or purses? Let us think instead of what threatens our souls.  
~Victor Hugo

Principles have no real force except when one is well-fed.  
~Mark Twain

I have never looked upon ease and happiness as ends in themselves – such an ethical basis I call more proper for a herd of swine. The ideals which have lighted me on my way and time after time given me new courage to face life cheerfully have been Truth, Goodness, and Beauty. ~Albert Einstein  
"What I Believe"  
Forum and Century, 1930

The time is always right to do what is right.  
~Martin Luther King, Jr.

'Tis better to suffer wrong than do it.  
~Thomas Fuller  
Gnomologia, 1732

Morality may consist solely in the courage of making a choice.  
~Léon Blum

We will have to repent in this generation not merely for the vitriolic words and actions of the bad people, but for the appalling silence of the good people.  
~Martin Luther King, Jr.

Have a very good reason for everything you do.  
~Laurence Olivier"

The following quote is my own. See if you can find any quotes about integrity above to support it:

We are one people. None of us is greater than equal to anyone.

Again, "Wisdom is knowing what to do next; virtue is doing it." ~David Star Jordan, The Philosophy of Despair

Let us be virtuous. We need to stop talking about changing the world, and just change it."

In response to a friend's comment to, "One" I wrote,

"Thank you so much for your kind and supportive words. Time will tell if our shared subjective opinions will gain the traction needed to make change inevitable, and soon enough to overcome the threats to take back social gains. The time has come for a sustainable cultural renaissance which will enable all of our heirs, now and into the future to live full lives in equality, acceptance, and in peace. I hope and pray that others are as enthusiastic with their support!"

That same day, September 3rd, 2011 a friend wrote a story which inspired me to comment,

"... We can thank labor unions for everything since child labor laws to the minimum wage and forty hour work weeks. One thing more that would affect all of us would be the take-back of the strides towards social equality which minorities have gained over the past 45 years. Where equality is not absolute (women, racial minorities, and others), then those who still empower themselves over those who continue to be discriminated against can roll back those rights gained.

Right-wing state legislatures and governors have already gone after both and have been successful this year. Personally, I hope that the 'Tea' party will have the eventual effect of mobilizing opposition parties... to recapture the enthusiasm for positive change and to relegate right-wing conservative religious public-dictator-wannabe's to their deserved place of irrelevancy."

I could feel myself coming back to life as I used that word, 'irrelevancy'; that was where I had come from in order to write about social equality.

On September 4th, 2011 I felt inspired to hint at my own thoughts of how the hierarchy of values necessary for each of us to become connected in a social fabric of interdependence is relative to the social and economic framework of its origins,

"... I feel the very same way about people; it is not what they do, or what we do for a living which defines us. Those who feel differently need only be reminded that 'success' in a system which is based upon what one can do for oneself is no measure of value as a person. For other, more worthy values, there exists a hypothetical economic and social system that would put those who employ greed for success to find themselves in subsistence occupations. Someday, our heirs will live more fulfilling lives pursuing occupations which reward the best of human values, both women's and men's."

I wasn't ready to show a picture of that future, only to inspire others to view one of their own. I was hopeful and will always remain so. I do have a picture to share, which I will gladly contribute to a pile of others for everyone who is interested to evaluate.

Home life was improving as well. On September 15th, 2011 I wrote to a friend,

"I was remarking to Annie tonight as I was looking outside, 'Whenever I start feeling sorry for myself that life is tough, I will remember the plants and trees outside which suffer through bitter cold days and nights for months in anticipation of spring.' Winter is just getting ready to start outside; we had the first frost of the season last night.

Metaphorically, winter has recently come to an end for us in our relationship. Annie took me to dinner in the Twin Cities after shopping for computer parts just a few weeks ago. It was the first time that we were together publicly when I didn't have to pretend to be a man. We both had a wonderful time, and all the while she made me feel that she was proud to be with me. Honestly, we have grown very close. We have come to realize that for all that many couples have that we don't have, we have what few others do; mature nurturing ideals that are essential for a mutually supportive relationship which is strong enough to sustain whatever life can deal... "

On September 18th, 2011 just three days later, someone who had been my friend for sixteen months or more wrote to me about her transgendered ex-husband. She just could no longer live with him and the challenges he presented to their family. Although she knew that I was born 'girl-in-a-boy' she asked me questions which prompted this response,

"We are friends, Colleen. I am not offended with your serious questions, and I never will be. First, I had no idea that your husband was transgendered. The odds that we happened to find each other are incredible!

You are correct to think that 'this is a hard one'. I am not a therapist, so remember that for what I am about to say, but I also promise to be honest and to help you to understand to the best of my ability.

First, 'transgendered' is a catchall phrase encompassing many different physical and mental manifestations of a gender spectrum between the black and white commonly held views of male and female (there are only two boxes to choose on legal documents after all). First, I was transsexual, meaning I was born with a physical defect, a male body. My mind is female, and my condition was temporary as it was corrected with hormones and surgery. I am no longer 'trans' anything. I am a woman.

Transsexualism is not at all a condition of the mind, but prior to treatment, the incongruence between body and mind cause a condition called 'gender dysphoria' also known as the condition Gender Identity Disorder (GID). The most common treatments are surgery and the introduction of feminizing hormones (estradiol (a form of estrogen)) and Prometrium (a form of progesterone) which I am familiar with. Prometrium is a hormone which helps with maturation of breast tissue...

If your ex is transsexual, then the medical community understands that transition is not a choice weighed with pros and cons necessarily. It CAN BE, but it certainly was not in my case. I love Annie as I always have and I would never intentionally hurt her. I simply could not tolerate living under the influence of a body that was producing a 'toxin' (testosterone) that kept me from being myself. I needed help, and I happened to live near the Minnesota Center for Sexual Health (one of the best in the nation) who immediately understood and helped me.

Dysphoria is no small thing. It is typically accompanied with loneliness due to loss of friends and family (like me). Annie is the only person who knows me 'in the flesh'. She is the only one who will be at my funeral or who might remember me. Anyone who knows me by my former name knows me not at all, including the people who think that they know me at work...

How I feel about men and women has evolved for me. I was socialized as a male. Although I had feminine traits that my best friend (Bill) from HS and college can remember only in hindsight (a silly desire to be a virgin before being married one of many examples he would point to)...

During treatment with hormones and my mind evolving since being without the influence of testosterone, I am less certain, but the point is also mute...

I am not heterosexual (want sex with a man), but I am not sure that if I were younger (come on...I'm 57!) I might change. My mind seems to be on that trajectory. At the same time, I know that when I once proclaimed that I am a lesbian, I am not so sure now.

Just the other week when I was following a group of women as we were all leaving work, it occurred to me that whatever there was in me to see a woman separate, unique, and special seems to have evaporated. Each of their husbands would see them that way, but not me. The love I feel for Annie is different too. She is like you, 100% heterosexual and cannot love me as she had, but while I used to love her romantically, I love her more holistically now, as a wonderfully loyal friend, committed partner and a beautiful soul...

I am not without compassion for Annie. I had often put myself in the place where I would have to decide what I could 'handle' had Annie transitioned into 'Bob'. In that case though, I honestly think that I would remain with her unless and until she wanted sex with me or another partner. That is simply because of the unique way Annie and I have become so integrated, even from the first time we met. The fact is that most marriages fail in situations like ours, and few have difficulty understanding why...

About wanting children: Recognizing that I am a woman late in life started this way for me. First, I am a female and I know nothing more about who I am (who might I be now if I were properly identified at birth and socialized?). Second, I am a girl (I lack the experiences that would teach me some of the, social graces, perspectives, social interaction with other females) to be a woman. Third (over time in which to learn) I am a young woman. I am going through changes that other women go through at a much younger age...

I can and do empathize with you at one time trying to have your own biological children. I do too, although I am physically unable (birth defect) and my age makes that impossible. That doesn't prevent me from wishing and hoping that if we are somehow reincarnated, I might have a second chance (especially since I am without any children since the day my children no longer considered me as their parent).

Being a parent was also one of my most feminine traits when my children were young. I worked mostly from home when they were growing up, (although I had space in an office building too) just to be available to them. I was the one who tucked them in and told them stories at bedtime. I loved them both as much as anyone could...I still do...

I hate having to present as a man (to lie about myself) every bit as much as you would. Someday, (and I dream about this) if I live long enough, then I will escape the need for men's clothing taking up some of the space in my closet...

It may also be helpful to understand sex (physical characteristics) vs. gender (social, psychological understanding or perception and predisposition). Neither has any bearing on sexual orientation (whether someone is predisposed to be gay or straight)...

I understand clearly, and my heart cries out to your ex for the sacrifice he makes of himself in order to maintain the acceptance of his children. If he is a transsexual, he is likely to transition eventually, or to commit suicide. The suicide rate for transsexuals was close to 20% when I last checked, and I nearly became a statistic myself. My heart also goes out to you, Colleen. There are no winners when it comes to dealing with transsexualism. It's all about surviving.

I hope that I was able to help. This is a very complex issue to understand; which is also a reason why so few have the patience or compassion for our brothers and sisters who often suffer lonely and repressed lives...

Sincerely  
Natalae"

My liberally-leaning friend eventually counted herself among those who lack patience and compassion, not only for her husband, but for me as well. I didn't know that until a week or so later.
CHAPTER 20 – REASON VS. BELIEFS

On September 24th, 2011 I wrote a note to a friend about compassion. Specifically, what it might take for some to override their system of beliefs in order to entertain the notion of compassion.

"Some people can have so much power or money that it corrupts their personal values. Some people in otherwise ideal relationships can be with each other too often and begin to take each other for granted, causing a 'good thing' to become less so with more of it. I remembered when I was tickled as a child until I couldn't breathe, and they didn't stop tickling me until the feeling I had changed from fun into torture. Video games can be fun until one realizes that their entire day, or days on end have been indoors interacting with a brainless thoughtless machine... a waste of productive time, time away from others who matter, and they find that they have escaped from life itself. These are all examples of how we need diversity in our lives in order to keep a healthy perspective on our lives.

Be careful what you wish for or pray for. It is conceivable that an answered prayer can lead you to a hellish life. Be careful whom you take advice from too. I don't know what I am talking about, just speculating. Personally, I think speculating has 'believing' beat.

Speculation comes from thinking, and thinking can challenge beliefs. Beliefs don't challenge thinking or reasoning; they attempt to stifle it. Intolerance of others is formulated from a belief system; those who are not tolerated are less than equal. The challenge to overcome those beliefs may be as difficult as challenging someone's faith.

While visiting a catholic church with my catholic friends at the age of 18, I read from a book in the pew that all other churches were 'cults'. How arrogant for an institution and how unconscionable that said arrogance should be passed on to its individual members! Beliefs persist in the face of persuasive argument only under the threat and/or execution of violent consequences before or after death.

Persuasiveness comes from reason, guided by no god to reach conclusions, but reason itself is created for us by our creator. What a paradox then, that worship of god should trivialize or sometimes require the extinction of reason.

Reason is arguably the greatest evolutionary invention by our creator since instinctive behavior... evolution, an argument pondered only by those who do not dismiss the archeological record (facts) that supports evolution because they (those whose beliefs trump any facts) 'believe' without reason (faith), what they were told, just like their forbears from their same religion who believed that the earth is at the center of the universe and would punish someone (Galileo) who applied reason to dislodge that belief.

If you immerse yourself in denial to challenge belief, then will you go to 'hell' if you now believe in the science of astronomy, where your religious text describes something that you no longer believe? Said another way, if you believe that your religious text was written by your god, and yet you know that your faith in that religious text has led you to believe in a lie; then are you still bound by your faith not to apply reason to anything else from that same text?" At what point can you use the gift given to you by your creator to question everything, to become a skeptic... to open your mind and to improve upon what is known?"

Soon I would put belief and reason together with equality. That same day, on September 24th, 2011 I wrote again about equality,

"... We are all victims of our socialization. Think of this; many identify with the religion of their parents and carry it with them for their entire lives, looking dimly at the values of other religions and considering changing to another religion as a remote possibility, if even possible to consider at all. We are empty impressionable vessels at birth accepting and adapting to 'what is'. We have all been given imaginative and creative minds to improve upon the environment which we have inherited.

There are many reasons to suspect that fundamental flaws and social change will create an atmosphere where what has worked for so long, no longer will. People will look back with pride at those who dared to challenge what has been accepted and imagine greater, MUCH greater. The possibilities are staggering. So are the costs and the risks, but no more than doing nothing at all.

It will not be enough to achieve equal rights for women. It is time that women work for and achieve equal rights for us all. We are, all of us equal, and it is time to recognize that we are not content to achieve equality in piecemeal fashion, content to let each succeeding and increasingly marginalized group follow the same expensive and humiliating path over years of suffering indignity by the rest of us who have 'made it'.

Admit today that persons of different sexual orientation, transgendered people, people with physical and emotional disabilities; ALL PEOPLE FOR WHOM WE HAVE COMPASSION WHO COULD BE US IF WE WERE BORN IN THEIR SHOES, DESERVE AN EQUAL PLACE AT THE TABLE OF HUMANITY, FREE FROM DISCRIMINATION OF LAW OR ATTITUDE THAT COME ONLY FROM THOSE WHO THINK THEMSELVES SUPERIOR.

Let it be women who tell the rest of us to GET REAL about equality!"

Something wonderful happened that helped me to build on my self-confidence. I wrote about my experience on September 30th, 2011,

AN IMPORTANT PART OF ME

My mother and I arrived at the hospital emergency room late in the afternoon. I was checking in with someone at the receiving desk when my mom gestured that she was going outside, presumably for a cigarette. The person that I was speaking to warned that 'she had better bring her walker back inside with her when she returns'. I wondered, were people coming in and stealing walkers? I tried to assure her that my mom came with her own walker, but she looked as though she doubted me.

I waited a while for mom to come back and noticed that the sun had started to set. It was fall and it had already gotten very cold outside. There was a trace of snow still covering the fallen leaves in the shadows.

Enough time had elapsed that I began to worry about my mother. She was nowhere near the doorway, and I was drawn outside to look into the trees on the hillside. As I entered them, I spied a young girl (maybe six) looking for her father. She was downhill from me and coming towards me. Between us, I saw a large rifle... it looked big enough to hunt prehistoric game. Then, in the leaves ahead of me I saw the lifeless body of her father. Only his face was visible. He had an aging grey beard and he looked as though he might be in his seventies. His jaw was locked open, snowy leaves covered him, and his skin was grey and lifeless.

Apparently, he accidentally shot himself with the rifle with no one around to go for help. His daughter was now behind me with her sled and crying.

As a matter of protocol, I reached to check for a pulse in his neck, but as soon as I touched him, his color came back and he magically sprung back to life. He rolled onto the sled under his own power and his daughter and I pulled him back to be treated at the emergency room.

He would be fine, but my mother was still missing. I don't recall where my daughter, Abby had come from, (had she been taking a nap in the back seat of our car on the one-hour drive to the ER with mom?) but there she was, following me out to look for mom again.

Trekking in the opposite direction from where I had been, I found the terrain from my youth; these were the same hills behind our first house when I was just a child. We kept walking although it was getting late. We were in someone's backyard where two boats were parked and a car that was just like mom's old car, a 1967 Plymouth Belvedere II.

Abby remarked that the boats looked like my brother's boats, and then I declared that I knew where mom was. I turned on my heels and reached for her and pulled her from beneath the car. She was cold and lifeless and wet from the concrete where she had lain until I touched her, and then just like the man earlier, she had sprung back to life.

I instructed Abby to get the walker that was still beneath the car, and she pushed it along as I held onto my mother and helped her to walk back to the ER.

When I woke up, I remembered that my mother had died on October 6th, 2007 about six days after losing consciousness from the medications that kept her from feeling insufferable pain from her lung cancer. My dream happened four years to the day from when my mother and I would have last been able to be together, and I had been given one more chance to hold her in my arms. I cried when I awoke and I cry each time that I remember. The tears are from joy.

It is my mother Donna and my sister Teresa who know me, understand me, accept me, and love me. They remain an important part of me even though they have both passed on, and I think of them both every day...and every night when I see the stars.

I thank you for the dream, mom."

Friends who wrote back inspired me to also write,

"... My mother and my sister are the only ones in my natal family who have accepted me, even though they both had passed on before knowing me by the name that describes me, Natalae.

Every other blood relative would disagree with me, but I feel certain in my heart and my dream was reaffirmation for me. Having lost living family close by, and knowing that I am now a part of a diverse and loving family and a larger Sisterhood of friends makes me grateful to feel just like you Siobhan, that 'I can make it'. There was a time when my family left in unison that I wasn't so sure, and I nearly didn't make it.

Not to ever forget Annie; my (proud to say) partner who has struggled every step with me to find a deep and meaningful new relationship that is much different from the one we started with eleven years ago this month. She loves my mother as much as me.

Mom was thoughtful, compassionate, intelligent and a patient listener who endeared herself to anyone who met her. I am so fortunate that she is my mother!"

My dream helped me to feel confident about myself and helped to close stubborn emotional wounds. Importantly, I knew I was healing. On October 1st, 2011 I commented,

"Sometimes I write about social equality and dignity, which comes from acceptance of others. While I can step away from myself and see the truth in my words, my own reality differs. I suffer from anxiety about how others perceive me too, even though I know that I would be the first to comfort someone who felt that way in my own company...

If only we could trust that everyone has compassion so that we can be made to feel comfortable... or if we could feel that we are needed in order to be supportive of others who come to a social event and feel anxiety as we do..."

Of course, the idea of me participating in a 'social event' was simply a dream. There was no family or work event that would include me, aside from the exclusive company of Annie. Still, the idea of social intercourse was on my mind when I wrote to a friend on October 2nd, 2011,

"... I come across as 'outgoing and fun', even confident. But we all speak from a place where only we know how 'thick' our own skin is, or how sensitive our self-esteem is. I wouldn't be surprised if the number of socially sensitive people like us is growing, because of technology that limits social interaction face-to-face (even in hallways, people are staring into their phones rather than smiling and greeting one another as we all once did), and the violence we see regularly on television, reported in the news, (and for many, in video games).

For many of us, it seems rational to greet someone whom we aren't familiar, with a bias trending toward skepticism rather than for initial acceptance. In other words, I think that we generally used to have a greater trust that most people have compassion and will accept all others as their equal.

Especially here in the US, we are even seeing right-wing presidential hopefuls and their constituents/supporters cheering for how many people suffer the 'ultimate justice' of the death penalty in Texas (thank Governor Rick Perry) even while knowing that mistakes have been made, are seeking a constitutional amendment which will keep any loving couple who isn't heterosexual from having equality (including naming their partner on insurance policies and death benefits), and who 'boo' (negative gesture) a currently serving gay military person, who is concerned during a time of war that 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' (a recently overturned requirement instituted in the '90's that gay people in the military either lie about their sexual preference or be dishonorably discharged from the military) might be reinstated under their Republican administration, if elected.

A small amount of social anxiety is, and has always existed throughout history for most of us, but it's usually the bad news which sells best and for the fact that bad news is a part of our daily social environment, some or most of us internalize it and adapt our behavior to it... "

We should be grateful when life's events happen in a way which at least attempts to prepare us for what is to come. Perhaps the thoughts about social anxiety were timed to soften the blow for the news that followed. One of my very dear friends on SN was brutally attacked in her home. Her experience affected me deeply and I wrote about it on October 6th, 2011,

"I wouldn't have gotten through reading of your experience, if it weren't for the fact that it was true...unbelievably true. I never could have imagined the horror that you have been recovering from. I am stunned to know that anyone could have survived the cruelty which you had experienced, and from someone who deceived you into caring for him.

It might be a rational and an understandable response from someone who has suffered by the inhumanity of someone else's tortured, thoughtless, incomprehensibly cruel mind to simply curl up into a ball and to never trust again, yet I know that you have already proven to be stronger than that. You have helped me to see past my own fears of people just like that monster that had hurt you, and we have benefited each other.

I admire you and I love you, Sister. You and I don't need to do more than to seek indifference if we cannot achieve justice, and keep our eyes focused on the friends and family who love us and just recognize that there ARE real monsters who wear attractive disguises.

Nothing, not even the horrifying experience which happened to you, and which absolutely no one should ever experience, will take anything away from the victim. Remember, you are the victim. Nothing you had ever said or done in any way imparts blame to you. Violence is indefensible except in the case of personal defense.

Also remember, no harm can come to you by the hand of others that will not serve to endear you to us even more and describe for others who they are so that justice may someday be served.

We, your friends and family, love you, and you can hold on to this; you will never see deceit in our eyes.

Now, I recommend a good therapist and a very smart lawyer who feels just like I do about that monster."

I may have sounded strong to her while I wrote to her, but the truth about her experience shook me to the core. My friend, Siobhan was attacked in part to a social stigma, an outburst of violence from an intolerant mind.

On October 7th, 2011 I wrote the following story with recent events in my mind,

SO CHANGE ALREADY

I don't have any sleep disorder that I am aware of, but it takes me forever to go to sleep because of anxiety and depression, and except for last night, I wake up once or twice a night and it takes me as long to go back to sleep each time as it did the first time.

It's 12:19 o'clock a.m. as I start to write and I have a headache, my eyes burn in spite of my tears, and I wish more than anything that I could pull the switch on the power to my mind... but I cannot. I will be here for a while because I am sick and tired of this unfair world. I am 57-years-old and I have been listening to the same drill for the duration, 'all's fair in love and war' and 'whoever said life is fair?' Those are lame excuses for not imagining greater and for not trying our hardest to change the status quo for ourselves and for all future generations.

Tonight, I heard someone from the Rick Perry campaign talk about the religion of Mitt Romney. This story is not at all about politics, so just hang in here with me for a few minutes, please.

Mitt Romney is, and has been known for many years to be, a member of the Mormon religion, otherwise called The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. If you don't know anything about the Mormon faith, read about it... it won't hurt... unless you already have preconceived notions that it is a 'cult'; that is how someone in the Rick Perry campaign described the religion of Mitt Romney. Rick Perry, to his credit, made it clear that the view expressed from his campaign is not his own.

So what does it mean for someone to say that another's religion is a 'cult'; what connotation does that evoke and what was the intention for impact on the listeners of that perspective?

I know that you already know the answer to those questions because you are intelligent and it doesn't take a genius to figure it out, but I am going to say it anyway because there is an underlying pattern that I am losing sleep over, and which frustrates and infuriates me. I promise to make this personal so that you will understand why I feel the need to write about this.

The purpose of labeling Mitt Romney's religion a 'cult' is to cheapen the value of Mr. Romney's religion relative to the 'Christian' religion of Rick Perry. One of the many definitions that one can find is that a cult is "a quasi-religious organization using devious psychological techniques to gain and control adherents."

It may be helpful here to explain to non-US readers that both Republican presidential candidates (and all Republican presidential candidates) are right-wing religious conservatives who trip over each other trying to be more conservative and religious than their rivals. Rick Perry even started his campaign at an evangelical Christian meeting in a stadium (believe it or not, the Constitution of the US specifically separates church and state to protect us from becoming a theocracy).

The American 'south' is also known as the 'bible belt'. Rick Perry is from Texas, and part of that particularly religious region, while Mr. Romney is a former governor of a northeastern state, Massachusetts.

Perhaps the facts clarify that the intent of the association of the word 'cult' to Mr. Romney's religion is to make him appear less like the people of the American 'South', and therefore less likely to win the votes of people who think his religion is beneath (less than equal to) their own Christian religion; even though the name of Mr. Romney's religion begins with the name, Jesus Christ.

All of this is to say that the label "cult" has been used to color the perception, or to even become descriptive of the person, Mitt Romney, as someone with lesser value because of his religion compared to 'true' Christians.

We are all done with politics now.

The point made is the first example of what a 'sticky' label is; for there are two kinds – 'sticky' and 'Teflon'. Sticky labels are always used to define the value of others relative to the person or group that is applying the label. The military has obviously realized the value in using negative sticky labels during wartime. In WWII, it was easier for soldiers to kill 'Japs' than to kill the Japanese people, or to kill Gerry's or krauts than to kill the German people (remember that more civilians were killed (murdered) during that war than soldiers who gave their lives for their countries). We were even crueler with labels when the US military called the Vietnamese people 'gooks'.

I am sorry if I have stirred forgettable memories while making my point, which is that by labeling people, we diminish value and help ourselves to justify denying equal opportunity, equal access to health, equal human rights, or even life itself.

Appointing others with a 'sticky' label has the effect of defining them. We can say that someone is a hero, a friend, a genius, but this discussion will focus on the negative sticky labels; they are used in a way to condescend, belittle, berate... reduce the relative value of others in the minds of those who ascribe them.

This creates inequality between groups of people, those who label and those who are labeled. This is the theme I want to impress upon you so please read again and again until you feel quite certain that you understand how those words have been echoing in my mind and keeping me from a healing sleep.

Consider this, humanity consists of all of us, women, men, old, young, gay, straight, short, tall, ill, healthy, economically poor, economically rich, transsexual, intersexed, transvestite, brown, black, yellow, white, red, blonde, Republican, Democrat... and intellectually, physically, socially and morally diverse. Teflon labels within that group include 'young' and 'healthy' (while some others are debatable). They aren't used to define us long term or to infer anything about us, except for those facts.

Think for a moment about how meaningful any of those labels are. Each of us could have been described by any one or more of those labels in the sum of all histories depending on the time and place of our birth; facts which were completely beyond our own control. Therefore we must logically conclude that each of us deserves the compassion, dignity, and respect from all of the rest of us. We could all have been interchangeable at birth. We are all a part of the same FAMILY of humanity.

There are some negative sticky labels that are useful. A perpetrator of violence upon others deserves to be identified in order to protect the rest of us, until it can be demonstrated and verified that said person no longer remains a hazard to any of the rest of us.

Now, consider this. You may have a child someday who has a cleft pallet, crooked teeth, webbed toes, or poor vision... all examples of common physical congenital (does it matter?) defects that we usually seek medical treatment for correction. Does it make any sense to ascribe people the name, 'clefty', 'crookedy'...? You answered, 'No', or you answered incorrectly and you need to re-read the question (sorry, I'm a little grumpy because I am very tired and I am getting close to making this personal).

Some of us are born with a feminine mind but occupy a male body. The condition is called transsexualism and is thought to be caused by the timing of the introduction of hormones by the still pregnant mother to her fetus. Transsexualism affects about one in 25,000 births. Like a cleft pallet, it is treated with surgery, and also hormones in order to bring a defective body in line with a healthy mind.

I am a woman, who was born transsexual, and my story is filled with sadness and joy, disappointment and triumph... just like yours. Despite the small numbers of those who share my intimate knowledge of what it is to overcome a physical deformity which has challenged our ability to cope as opposite the gender we were socialized in and defined by at birth, we are no less than equal to everyone, just like everyone else.

One of my close friends for more than a year shared something about someone important to her. She asked me to shed light from my personal experience, presumably to help her to understand that person. I gave her as much information as I thought would be helpful, but apparently more than even her liberally-leaning mind could handle. After being supportive of each other through difficult times for each of us, suddenly she had changed. She suggested that my comments to her stories brought unwanted attention to her regarding others who have been labeled as I am by her and her other friends.

Even though someone with a cleft pallet who has had surgery would never have in the first place, but certainly no longer would be labeled 'clefty', the fact that I was born of the body that deceived my mind but have had corrective surgery and other treatments to become congruent; body, mind, and soul has little or no impact on how some people accept me. It hurts me beyond words that the friend I love dearly is one who no longer sees me as the person, but rather the label which she has applied to me... the label that cheapens the value of me, makes me less than equal to her from her perspective.

Ironically, since our last correspondence she had written a story in a group called, 'I Think Ignoring Someone Is Hurtful and Mean'. She is right; to shun someone for a birth defect or anything that someone had no control over is a form of emotional abuse. To be clear, it is abuse and whether emotional or physical, abuse is a form of violence.

I didn't comment out of respect for her wishes not to draw unwanted attention... but which comes at a cost to my own self-respect. I haven't written to her about any of her stories or about anything. Neither has she written to me. She justified what she told me by saying that she has other personal concerns, serious concerns about which I share her pain, but she has not found the time to talk to me about them and the inequality I feel from her perspective hurts me.

I don't want to lose her... I love her as my friend, but I feel that she cannot reason that I am equal to her in the family of humanity. Her belief has triumphed over reason, or she has never challenged her belief with reason.

So let there be an amendment to those who should wear the negative sticky label. I won't name the label, but it should include any and all people who feel for whatever reason, that anyone else is less than equal to themselves. People who think that they are better or greater than equal to others pose a danger to all of us. They are comparable to those who act violently, for the effect is the same. Physical abuse vs. emotional abuse... they are both abuse and neither can be judged to be worse than the other is.

I may be overly sensitive, or it may be that I am just sensitive and aware. I identify with people who are victims of hate crimes, some victims are my friends, and I belong to a group among many groups which is hated and misunderstood by many. It is difficult for me to keep my self-esteem above the waterline and the longer I wait for parity, the more likely it is that I will drown from neglect, disrespect, shunning, and worse.

It all starts with labels... and it all stops when we quit hiding behind slogans that keep us from evolving, like 'whoever said that life is fair?'"

Two of my friends commented on my story. To the first I responded,

"Dear Ruth, I am very touched by your warm-hearted support and you are absolutely right about the bullying. I know that you have recently had first-hand experience and we all need to speak out against it whenever we see it, just as we need to speak out about all social injustice; else we endorse it with our silence.

The bullies and the criminals serve as a teachable example that everyone can be made a victim, whether or not we feel negatively labeled by others in society. Chances are that if we haven't ever been a victim that we certainly know someone who has been... or it may only be a matter of time before we are made to be victims ourselves.

As a society, we make laws to enforce justice, but we also need to use logic and common sense to conclude in our own minds that we are ALL equal, deserve equal protections, equal rights, have equal access to services, and equal responsibility, and most importantly; that we go beyond that to restoring dignity, love and respect to everyone through acceptance and not just tolerance.

The piecemeal treadmill which disenfranchised groups have been on for decades to strive for equality, first this group, then the next ad infinitum is itself discrimination prolonged. The solution to social inequality is at hand through simple logic and enlightenment and if we cannot all get there at once, then we run the risk that those who perceive themselves as greater than equal, have the potential to take away the rights of those (for example women) who continue to struggle over decades.

How long do we need to argue equal pay for equal work, or for self-governance where our own bodies are concerned? The right-wing politicians in this country are eroding her rights today and they are setting the stage to extend the struggle or to take back sacred ground. Their hateful agenda will have the same effect on gays and ALL other groups, which are perceived by them as inferior to their own collective and exclusionary values".

To my other friend's comment I wrote,

"... You are absolutely right about those who cannot see. There is beauty in everyone to appreciate and to learn from. Everyone's life experience only helps to enrich those within their circle of family and friends. How boring by contrast, to live in a monochromatic 'Stepford Wives' environment, and how horrific and inhumane the path would be to get there. The experiment to achieve a 'master race' failed to win the hearts and minds of real people in World War II. The perpetrators of the German holocaust were properly thought of as 'monsters' and those who were caught paid for their crimes.

I am frightened that lessons learned from a generation ago are being forgotten. Given the choice to go back to the years of Nazi Germany or to progress in the opposite direction as we propose do, where do people stand? There is a choice that will be made by everyone of us and a decision not to choose is still a choice.

Why can't others see the obvious pressures building politically which will takes us backwards, as I do? How long will it take before we can shout in unison that we have had enough of the dark years and those of you who need to, had better get ready to rid yourselves of your superiority complex or suffer the fate of perpetrators of violence against humanity; after all, that is where their beliefs guide them at the expense of the rest of us.

What is difficult to grasp for me is the blood lust demonstrated by Republican Tea Party constituents cheering for those killed who were on 'death row' (even though we know innocents have paid the ultimate (Rick Perry) 'justice' for mistakes made by our legal system...and perhaps on purpose, by governors who blocked appeals which included new evidence), and for others who might suffer without health insurance, who yell, 'Let 'em die'. Some who profess to be the most Christian, those with the strongest beliefs seem least able to behave as Jesus would have taught, and they are right there cheering for their intolerant perspectives. How hypocritical can one's VALUES become?

Were Nazi's Christian? You bet they were. Let no one profess to claim 'moral high ground' and sit in judgment of others just because of how they interpret 'scripture' rather than how we can learn from our own mistakes... "

The idea of 'values' would stick and help me to formulate a future story about equality, but there was one more comment to my story that I made this response to,

"Dear Janis... Today, I find those healing words from you and others have gone a long way towards making me feel less apt to 'drown'...

It is a good point to make that 'God' makes no mistakes. One of our Republican presidential contenders, Herman Caine 'believes' being gay is a choice...interesting, there are few facts that science and historians pose that most Republican candidates contest as facts (that climate change is real and influenced by humankind is another).

It would be useful if facts could be the centerpiece for debate in a democracy that (1) we could agree on what those facts are, and (2) that our creator gave us minds to learn by and to reason with, not just to formulate opinions within a vacuum and pretend that we have a 'handle' on the truth.

It is not just the Republican presidential contenders, but the Republican Congress as well who has brought the utility of the federal government to a standstill. Decisions and legislation cannot be made without agreed-to facts and the Republicans agree that there is only one fact, that President Obama needs to be replaced by a Republican in the year 2012.

According to their performance, all other decisions need to be made relative to how much taxes need to be reduced for the wealthiest in the country, and what vital services need to be cut in education and social needs for the least able to provide for themselves, in order to pay for those tax breaks.

Never before in our history has a political party been so callous and heartless, but these Christian right-wing conservatives are already successfully changing laws which limit democratic leaning groups from having access to voting, restricting the lawful access for women to have an abortion if they so choose, women's healthcare, stripping collective bargaining rights away from economically placed middle-class workers, and challenging aid to victims of recent storms and natural disasters; again for the first time in our history and for their same narrow minded political agenda.

Still, just about everyone is sitting on their hands and saying 'yes' to them because they are not saying 'NO!' For each successful step they take at our expense, they grow stronger and we (the rest of us) grow weaker.

The weak economy puts Obama at risk for reelection, an historic pattern here for US presidents. Unless Democrats are able to mobilize soon, big corporate donors will disproportionately help the Republicans to use clever propaganda and powerful attack ads to persuade many who just aren't paying attention, or who would be happy for any change if they are promised that it might make them money. Oil companies will drill like no body's business, in pristine places here-to-for protected natural habitats, and oil sands which expend huge amounts of CO2 gas will be developed in Canada for US consumption.

The world will witness a USA whose leadership reflects the poor global standing that our children already have in academics, and whose care and concern for others will be measured by how much their corporate contributors will be benefited, and how quickly they can pass laws that marginalize political and social groups that can someday threaten them, or that they just don't like...like all those gay people who irritate Herman Cain because they 'chose' to be that way when they could have been just as bigoted and free from use of reason or facts as he is. He 'believes' that 80% of African-Americans are brainwashed into their voting habits. Presumably, he wouldn't think that they were brainwashed if they voted for his Republican party.

Still, few protests against the right-wing agenda have been covered relative to the issues...which again says, 'we're okay with that, show me more, something even bolder to challenge how far I will let you go in letting you have your way with me before I squeak.'

I look back at what I write and I know that I am preaching to a choir of like-minded friends and family here and that there is little chance for change to happen based upon how I feel...one 'squeaky' voice in a very large and silent choir.

I hope you understand that at least by writing this, it helps me to lessen the pressure in my mind that causes me to have such anxiety about the inherent danger of current and potential long-term trends, and I feel a personal passion to speak out. I know that by not doing so, I condone what might happen, just as the German people discovered as their opportunities to halt a steady progression into a horrifying abyss disappeared before their eyes, simply by being too slow to react. I couldn't live with myself if I said nothing and watched the world suffer a horrifying fate made only possible by not learning the recent lessons of history.

Ask the German people if they weren't made to feel ashamed by the rest of the world for not taking personal responsibility for allowing the Third Reich to perpetrate their atrocities, which served their own evil political agenda. Do you remember how after World War II ended, the allies forced regular German citizens to clean up the sites of human carnage by the government which they allowed to foster?"

Perhaps I was preaching to the choir. There is reason for fear and even for anxiety in a world where the media and entertainment glorify violence.

On October 14th, 2011 I made my case for urgent social change in order for us to achieve equality for all people. There was the blend in this story from what had affected me personally with what had become my passion to speak out for the benefit of others,

ANOTHER 'MODEST PROPOSAL'

"A Modest Proposal" is a satirical essay written by Jonathan Swift in 1929. In it, he suggested that poor Irish people might sell their children to the rich as food, in order to ease their economic burden. The power of satire was well demonstrated by this memorable work that ridiculed treatment of the poor by Irish authorities of the day.

Fast-forward to 2008. In a political discussion I had concerning immigration, my former brother (Dan) said that the simple solution for so many Mexican immigrant women coming to the USA to give birth for her child to become a naturalized citizen of the US, is to just kill some of their babies.

In the first case, Jonathan Swift is writing from his compassionate perspective and provocatively engaging our senses to react to an unacceptable social injustice. In the second case, someone with no stake in the welfare of others (fellow citizens or not) is serious about taking efficacious, if unwarranted, heartless, unethical (he is a health care provider), immoral, and illegal steps to minimize his personal social costs.

Dan is well-to-do, lives in a large home in Phoenix, has a second home in the Dominican Republic, and is a right wing Sarah Palin supporter, with faith in the Republican political agenda to minimize government and its influence on 'free enterprise'. Like most Republicans, he doesn't want to be a part of paying for others health care or retirement; he just wants to be left alone to accumulate as much wealth as he can. He would argue with someone who is unemployed that, 'If you cannot find a job, then just start a business'. Life is not complicated for him, just as long as he is happy and he doesn't have to worry that anyone else may or may not be.

Now consider these wealthy and influential people: The Koch Brothers and Bill and Melinda Gates. "David and Charles Koch have funded conservative and libertarian policy and advocacy groups in the United States. [7] Since the 1980's the Koch foundations have given more than $100 million to such organizations, among these think tanks like the Heritage Foundation and the Cato Institute, as well as more recently Americans for Prosperity.[8] Americans for Prosperity and Freedom Works are Koch-linked organizations that have been involved in the Tea Party movement.[9][10]" (Wikipedia).

While companies are considered to have equal rights as people in this country (not for being taxed, but for having access to finance political campaigns (giving money is protected under freedom of speech)) the Koch brothers have already, and continue to have huge sway in the power of right-wing conservative groups (like the 'Tea Party') who they not only fund to protect themselves from financial repercussions of their oil refinery pollution but also, through support of the Republican political party (which is parent to the Tea Party) to take public money from the poor and middle class and redistribute it to the wealthiest Americans (self-serving), also while dealing a healthy blow to progressive social rights advocacy for women and for other groups, and to eliminate wage gains through collective bargaining; which affects the wages of all workers.

In contrast, "The Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation (B&MGF or the Gates Foundation) is the largest transparently operated [4] private foundation in the world, founded by Bill and Melinda Gates. It is "driven by the interests and passions of the Gates family". [5] The primary aims of the foundation are, globally, to enhance healthcare and reduce extreme poverty, and in America, to expand educational opportunities and access to information technology...In 2007, its founders were ranked as the second most generous philanthropists in America.[7] In 2010, its founders had started The Commission on Education of Health Professionals for the 21st Century titled as "Transforming education to strengthen health systems in an interdependent world".[8]"

A striking contrast is obvious between people with differing thought patterns, one self-absorbed and selfish, while the other compassionate and giving.

A third and fourth example come together; within the last few weeks I have learned that two of my friends experienced a combination of all or some lies, betrayal, and physical abuse by their significant others. Both know how I feel about the difference between indifference and forgiveness. "Forgiveness is not for those who betray and abuse and who do not ask for forgiveness"...As another example, indifference would be the proper response for a battered wife, who finally escapes the bonds of a violent marriage (or any relationship). Too many in that situation have found a way to forgive, only to repeat the pain.

Indifference allows one to feel free from those, whose behavior is too foreign from our own imaginable responses under the same given circumstances. I think we should always choose forgiveness when forgiveness fits the situation, but to remember that indifference is available when forgiveness is not a healthy option. Both will allow you to keep from focusing on the past and allow your heart to mend".

One of my friends completely surprised me by saying that she had forgiven her abusive significant other and my other friend has put her former abuser where he belongs, where distance between them grows. This is not to say that I understand one and not the other. First I love both of my friends and I worry about the decision that one friend has made to forgive, but I understand her struggle.

Last week the news of both of my friends combined with other events in my life to nearly cause a personal emotional melt-down, but something my partner, Annie, said helped me. I came to her in tears about the decision my friend made to forgive. Annie had been watching the national news about Republican congressional rhetoric of working for more American jobs, while the facts are that they have been introducing and re-introducing legislation to limit abortion rights for women...every month, while never finding the time to work for the struggling economic classes lower than their own, or of their party base.

Annie muted the TV and she became very serious. Referring to both the congress and to my friend's forgiveness, she said that there should be a cosmic-sized hand that would just come down from the sky and divide people who are honest and compassionate from selfish others who lie and cheat. The passion in her voice and her animation with her hand on the table made me think about my own ability to choose indifference.

One of the 'other' events happening at the same time was the arrival of my son with his girlfriend and her young daughter. I love my children and my former family, but they have banished me from them. I broke down when Annie told me that he was visiting from Colorado and that she was invited to see him. I always feel the knife twist knowing that I am 'unacceptable' in their company, especially now under the circumstances where I will lose the opportunity to engage the company of a potential daughter-in-law or a grandchild.

I had tricked myself into believing that I had reached indifference to them, but knew that I hadn't achieved my goal when I came apart under this and some earlier experiences. I thought about the image of the 'cosmic hand'.

Knowing that my former family hurt me because I cannot help but to love them, but that they do not hurt for what they lack, I rationalized that if a 'cosmic hand' were to appear to help those of us who need indifference as a solution for healing, then that hand would need to have the ability to reflect love, since it is not something that some of us can 'turn off' as we would a spigot. I know, because I have been trying not to love them for years now.

Tomorrow, Annie will be going to visit her (my former) family. I will not be in tears, because I am offered some protection by imagery of the hand that divides, the 'cosmic hand'.

Perhaps more importantly, the image of the 'cosmic hand' that divides us has given me a new perspective about those on one vs. the other side of that hand. As one looks at the differences between Jonathan Swift and Dan (compassionate vs. selfish), the Koch brothers vs. Bill and Melinda Gates, the former motivated to consolidate their corporate holdings at the expense of society vs. corporate philanthropy to provide a means to better the lives of others, and lastly, the personality differences that exist between partners, that trust once earned turns to rust if violated, or is restored by forgiveness. Similarities between those who are honest and compassionate become clear, as do the similarities of those who are selfish and lie and cheat.

Looking more closely, a pattern emerges between groups on either side of the 'hand that divides'. Look first at the last example regarding trust. I had once written, "...honesty is a value that two people sharing life should consider as a pillar in their relationship and understand that once violated, trust is gone...not just on a temporary hiatus". One can see how it makes sense to compare individual relationships and corporate influence on society when viewing either side of the 'cosmic hand' that divides.

Those on one side of the 'cosmic hand' have personalities or corporate missions which are not selfish, but sharing. They are likely to be honest or transparent with how they share their lives or their corporate interests 'as it happens' to their partner or to society, rather than to lie and cheat selfishly and with no regard to how it may affect their relationship or his significant other (my friend) personally or to society generally.

Theorizing now, she forgave him, because like me, she found that she could not stop loving, and she could not become indifferent. However, the person that has already violated her trust (more than a few times now) lacks the capacity to understand the values of trustworthiness, and perhaps even honesty. Neither is a choice to be made at will when the situation is convenient, but an 'at all times' part of one's self; a value.

I argue that the other examples between the Koch brothers and Bill and Melinda Gates as well as the values of Jonathan Swift and Dan vary by personal values OR personality traits as well.

Not long ago, I wrote a story... called, "So Change Already". In that story (and perhaps in some others), I expressed my frustration at the slow progress or irresponsiveness of our society to achieve equal rights for everyone. I am now able to better understand 'why', since Annie demonstrated the 'cosmic hand' concept.

People are who they are. I am no more likely to put a chink in the armor of my former brother's selfishness than he would change the passion which I feel for the need of us all to have social equality and social acceptance (the extension beyond rights to dignity and respect). Neither are the Koch brothers likely to reverse their spending habits in order to benefit others, or is it likely that the significant other of my forgiving friend will ever have the ability to become trustworthy (I can only hope and I do, for her sake).

So, what are our chances for achieving social equality, given the intransigence of people with different and polarizing perspectives? Not good. Not even the logical, moral or legal arguments are sufficient motivation for those who cannot or will not see the benefit to themselves if equality is extended to everyone.

Given that we live in a society inclusive of all of us on either side of the 'cosmic hand', but more specifically, an economic system that promotes selfishness through greed; we will grow the percentage of people on our side of the 'cosmic hand' that divides if we change our economic system to reward those who help others and encourage higher social values than greed; such as compassion, and the giving of one's self to aid the greater good of us all.

I can think of an alternate economic system that promotes equality while preserving competition, ingenuity, and economic activity. There are countless many practical alternatives which preserve the best of the concepts in the one that was handed to us, and add benefits which will encourage all of the best of our human traits. The key for social change therefore, is changing our economic system.

We can implement this change overnight and we will achieve equality for all in a heartbeat...I only wish. I will not ever promote violence or other words that hide violence, like 'overthrow' or 'topple'. We have communications technology on our side now, and violence never makes sense, except for self-defense.

In reality, we have at most two or three generations to make the change, whatever change evolves to be favored by most of us (see "Who Wants Men-Lite", another story that motivates me to help make effective change happen soon).

That is not much time. To help you to see that the time to promote change is now, consider the current social and political pressures designed to take back ground, gained through decades of efforts towards equality, especially for races, women and minorities.

In addition, think how so many of us have succumbed to the social motivations to become self-absorbed over time since the dawn of rock and roll, and the emergence of James Dean, Jimi Hendrix, and Mick Jagger.

There once were only a few 'cool' people in Hollywood or on stage somewhere whom the rest of us marveled at and some fainted over. Today, it is rare to find someone who doesn't flaunt 'who they are'; which demonstrates how they feel about the importance of themselves relative to others.

Does it make you feel 'put-off' when someone influenced by our popular culture responds to your question with, 'Whatever!' You can entertain yourself thinking of many more examples of modern phrases that deflect meaningful engagement or personal concern with or to others.

Whatever we think of our own self-esteem, we are no more than the value that our peers assign to us. Self-esteem should be a personal attribute earned through action, not simply a learned behavior.

Understanding now what I mean self-esteem to be, how do you feel about the esteem that others place on you from the other side of the 'cosmic hand' that divides? More importantly, how do you feel about yourself that you may be debating whether your children should be less than equal to the others who will keep them subjugated; as those who feel superior to you do?

We can be silent or we can speak out and rise up to be greater than we are – equal.

My 'modest' proposal is for all of us to use our imagination against the backdrop of our historical crossroads, and to make social change happen sooner than at any time heretofore, made possible through communication technology. We need to take back our rights as people and to give our children's children the potential to become the highest and best examples of humanity."

One of my friends commented that people are too scared or apathetic to make change happen. I wrote back on October 16th, 2011,

"... People used to be too scared and apathetic. I feel like we are about to see big changes happen. The right-wing political pressures to take back human rights, coupled with a paralyzed government due to the intransigence of that same group, the protection of the greediest of the greedy on Wall Street; who have been rewarded, rather than punished, for their behavior which caused economic calamity to the rest of us, and the fact that most of us struggle with the crumbs of gross domestic product while more power has been given to the 1% of the wealthiest among us is a motivator. Now after we have witnessed the 'Arab Spring', a surprise occurrence in the Middle East when people came together from everywhere to demand better, mostly through the use of modern communication technology, we can see how to change our course."

Human culture is on a historic trajectory. Each person must decide whether they think the path that we are on is where they want their children to start. No one is chained to what we have by anything more than apathy, fear, or belief.

Today is the dedication of the Martin Luther King Jr. Memorial and the 28th anniversary of his "I Have a Dream" speech. I remember hearing him deliver it as though he felt immune from the threat of millions who were happy in the world as it was, and who believed he was a danger to society and to them.

But his voice was not a threat to us all. Especially the young minds of the day, like mine who openly questioned our world. He was and is, an outstanding example of how the bravest among us are also non-violent.

I picked this from Wikipedia today about his speech 28 years ago, "I Have a Dream" is a 17-minute public speech by Martin Luther King, Jr. delivered on August 28th, 1963, in which he called for racial equality and an end to discrimination. The speech, from the steps of the Lincoln Memorial during the March on Washington for Jobs and Freedom, was a defining moment of the American Civil Rights Movement. Delivered to over 200,000 civil rights supporters, [1] the speech was ranked the top American speech of the 20th century by a 1999 poll of scholars of public address. [2] According to U.S. Representative John Lewis, who also spoke that day as the President of the Student Non-Violent Coordinating Committee, "Dr. King had the power, the ability, and the capacity to transform those steps on the Lincoln Memorial into a monumental area that will forever be recognized.

By speaking the way he did, he educated, he inspired, and he informed not just the people there, but people throughout America and unborn generations."[3]

At the end of the speech, King departed from his prepared text for a partly improvised peroration on the theme of "I Have a Dream"; possibly prompted by Mahalia Jackson's cry, "Tell them about the dream, Martin!"[4] He had first delivered a speech incorporating some of the same sections in Detroit in June 1963, when he marched on Woodward Avenue with Walter Reuther and the Reverend C. L. Franklin, and had rehearsed other parts. [5]""

Sometimes my passion to speak out would mask hidden pain. It is interesting to me that during this same time period, I wrote a note on October 19th, 2011 to the husband of one of the most important people whom I have never met face-to-face, but who lives within me every day,

"Dear Nick,

Thank you for the update regarding your wife's health. I feel very close to Janis and to you, and want you both to know that I share her pain as if we have a physical connection. This change of weather is enough to exacerbate all problems, mine too.

Hang on, I am about to use a word that I haven't heard in years...My emotional well-being has recently been turned upside down to where I have felt 'discombobulated' (I should get some kind of prize for that, right?) I am much better now, but I have said that two days ago and nearly had a double dip at some concerning depression (lots of tears and little sleep).

Janis knows, and I think that you do too, how much it means for me to feel accepted. With all that has been happening around me (especially our mutual friend Siobhan), the ground shook just a bit too hard. I took Monday and Tuesday this week off because I knew that I needed it...and I did. Annie was promising me that some in her family, especially her son (Jeremy) and her sister (Lugene) would be open for me to be a part of her family, but it turned out not to be true.

To cheer me up, Annie took me to the Mall of America for a new top, some new shoes and dinner... It may not sound like much, but I have been on a spending moratorium for over a year and you should see how cute my new clothes are!

I will be alone when Annie is visiting her family this weekend and I will spend my conscious moments appreciating those things I can count on, you and Janis and our family, and I will be sitting right beside Janis until she feels just fine again.

I love Janis, and I love you too, Nick.

Thinking of you both always,  
Natalae"

In a departure, I decided to write a special story just for my friend who had been suffering. I will always love her and I wrote this on October 22nd, 2011 in order to show her,

DR. JANIS TO THE RESCUE

Last week, Annie took me shopping at the Mall of America (in the Twin Cities). It was the first time that I have been out of the house to participate in life for weeks due to depression. I was struggling with the shocking revelation of violence against someone I deeply care for, rejection by a different friend that I have known and loved for a long time here, and the revelation that hopeful signs from some in Annie's family (her son and her sister) might be accepting of me... were false..., and my son would be back to visit from Colorado, not to see me, but to see others including Annie... plus I am so anxious for spring! Each event took an emotional toll for feeling helpless to defend my friend, my honor and dignity, and my fragile self-esteem.

Annie and I both knew that the venture out was mostly for therapeutic reasons. While at the MOA, Annie helped me to find new shoes and a top, which I love. Most of my clothes are from a second-hand store. After shopping, Annie took me to dinner.

It was an absolutely beautiful day, but the best part, and the most therapeutic was remembering something that Janis told me on a comment to one of my stories, "I have a few things to say to that person who would hide a friendship because of what others might think. Lol, personally, I'd run across the shopping mall or wherever I saw you and grab you in a bear hug!"

Well, I cannot tell you how many times the recollection of her words has given redemption to my soul, but when I was there in the Mall with Annie, I pictured Janis running to me and her face just beaming, as mine would be to see her. I am in joyful tears now just recalling the image for you.

Annie knows that my friends and I know each other only through a keyboard and a monitor, and she was upset at me for feeling so close to someone (Colleen) who could leave me to feel as she had, but her admonitions went unheeded. I will not change because I was hurt for reasons that I accept but cannot understand. Janis has given me faith in unshakable friendships, but also is a hero for her compassion for others, including me, and for her open-mind (heck, she even married a Trooper!).

I love my Janis friend and our family which we now share, thanks to her graciousness... not for what she has done so much as for who she is. I know that there are many who will read this and agree that she is so beautiful a person, but I just needed to say this today.

Thank you for our friendship, Janis!"

That same day October 22nd, 2011 I wrote my last attempt to make a rational argument for the foundation of a better society through first acceptance of social equality. The comment which follows my story is also my own. No one else has ever commented on what I had written... a first.

THE RHETORIC OF 'INSTITUTION'; THE GENESIS OF REASON

"Starry Night" by Vincent van Gogh.

Sadly, in one of my last letters to my daughter, I wrote, "... I understand that each of us has various capacity and/or desire to accept or adjust. Honestly, I am tired of hearing phrases like "...wrapping my head around it" when "it" is who I am."

I have a better understanding now, of the capacity within us to adjust, than I did at the time that I had written that back in June of 2010. I have been thinking lately of the word, 'institution'. From Dictionary.com in the social context of 'institution' is (4) Sociology. A well-established and structured pattern of behavior or of relationships that is accepted as a fundamental part of a culture, as marriage: the institution of the family. Also, it means (4) an established custom, law, or relationship in a society or community".

Empirically, 'Institution' has a psychological definition within each of us as well. In fact, the common social definitions can only be the manifested constructs of the 'institutional' patterns within our brains. Its relationship to our individual psyche is implied by the very definition of the word as it is generalized over a population; words and phrases like, "STRUCTURED" pattern of behavior or of relationships'.

For purpose of this discussion, consider the constitution of our brains as a structure segmented into various institutions (in fact the physical organization of thoughts by our brains does not appear to be simple, but the logical assimilation of thoughts and ideas is obvious); there is a place for relationships, principles, values, knowledge, beliefs, and self (among others). The most complex is 'self'.

While the definition of 'self' in early years, and to a lesser but often significant degree in later years is based upon perceived reflection from the eyes and actions of others (parents, siblings, friends, teachers, authority figures, and even the perceived reflections of one's god or creator, ancestors, legends, heroes...), 'self' is also defined by itself in purely subjective terms, which may correlate to, or be completely independent of the truth.

Aside from being the most complex, 'self' is also the second most influential of all institutions of our brains. It has its strongest influence on 'relationships', a reciprocal relationship with 'principles' but a submissive role to 'beliefs' (even though the definition of 'self' is a 'belief' due to its subjective perspective). There is little influence of 'self' upon 'knowledge', however. 'Knowledge' like 'self' is also submissive to 'beliefs'.

Each segment may be subdivided many times; for example 'relationships' can be divided into 'partner or spouse', 'family', 'friend', and (importantly) 'society'. Each subdivision can be thought of as an institution onto itself, just as the 'Presidency' is an institution of our government; which is also an institution.

The important observations are the flaw inherent in the subjective component in the definition of 'self' and the dynamics of how the institutions within our brains interrelate.

Here are some examples of how the institutions of our brain work:

Self vs. Relationships: Compassionate aid and words of support (from the 'self') given by one to a child who has fallen from her bicycle, or an influential or passionately delivered speech by a politician ('self') who demands public relief aid for disaster victims.

Self vs. Principles: "Never, Never, Never Quit"; a quotation of Winston Churchill serves as a guiding principle to re-energize many who might otherwise be tempted to give up 'the struggle' too soon (some of you know, that one is personal). It is a reciprocal relationship because success achieved through application of guiding principles, or failure is a component in the definition of 'self' (I am successful, or I am a failure).

Self vs. Beliefs: Belief; "My religion is the best one". Impact on self; "I am better than, greater than someone whose religion (or lack of a religious belief) is different from my own." A more socialized example of 'self' would be a discriminated group (however you want to define that group) who FEELS somehow marginalized by others in a different group. Another way to view the same circumstance is to witness discrimination or oppression by a group who believe that they are (in any way, or ways) superior to another group. Those in the discriminated group usually respond by accepting a submissive role in their interaction with society at large, especially if their numbers are small in comparison to the group who feels superior to them.

Beliefs vs. Knowledge: Even though collective knowledge has grown, and continues to grow exponentially over time, and is influenced by scientific geniuses like Sir Isaac Newton and Albert Einstein, and more recently Steven Jobs, beliefs (perceived truth without skepticism, reason, or further question (faith is an unshakeable belief)) act as a filter for knowledge. For instance, consider those who believe the literal interpretation of the Christian Bible, who found Galileo Galilei "vehemently suspect of heresy" when his scientific observations had confirmed Copernicus' heliocentric view and simultaneously contradicted their own geocentric view of the 'heavens'. Other examples of how beliefs filter knowledge, (1) otherwise educated people believe gays and others who are in some way different from themselves choose to be so, (2) some still believe that humans do not impact our environment despite the availability of knowledge to support the opposite conclusions.

Once we begin to understand the institutions of our brains we can see how easily it is for us to misrepresent ourselves, to be misunderstood by others, or to feel insulted or intimidated when there was no intention, on and on. It is also clear that there are inherent flaws in our design as humans to work together for our common good. Over the years, we have managed huge achievements in social organization... but compared to what?

We still view our personal universe from the perspective of 'self' at the center and we make assessments and judgments of others and things which are in our personal 'solar system' or sphere of personal influence. In some ways, we are separate organisms with the subconscious or even conscious understanding that we need each other in order to survive, but we behave as if we don't...like bacteria.

There was a name I have long forgotten that described how a culture of bacteria grew and thrived to a period of stability until at some point, they all suddenly died. In the "death phase", the entire population of bacteria loses the ability to divide (reproduce) even if placed in a fresh culture medium. The death phase is exponential, as is the growth phase. I wondered as I learned that concept in 1973 and our global population was 3.94 billion (compared to 6.83 billion in 2010) if there might be some gene or collective sub-consciousness that might force a similar end to humankind.

When you think about how 'magnificent' we are told we are compared to the animal kingdom, consider also how ants, bees, and wasps work collectively for the greater good of the whole, and how birds and fish flock in unison to evade predators or to achieve a collective goal. Think of the migratory patterns of salmon, wildebeests, whales, and even monarch butterflies which allow them to find their balance with nature, thereby insuring their long-term survival.

What abilities do we have to compare with the animal kingdom to adapt to our environment? Only one – reason, the ability to assimilate facts ('knowledge') and the application of our wonderful gifts of imagination and logic to find trends, to understand changes, challenges, dangers, and to invent new things, methods, and procedures, in order for us to adapt to or even (in some ways) to have dominion over our environment. On a personal level, the same gifts allow us to feel compassion and to discover or invent ways to help our brothers and sisters in their time of need.

What does this all have to do with the rhetoric of 'institution'?

When we understand the need to collectively adapt to our environment and we understand the interrelationship of the institutions of our brains, we can make progress in overcoming some of the flaws of our personal and even social interactions, expectations, and responsibilities.

To make my point, consider the united front that the (American) Republican (political) party presents when it sees a common agenda (even if their goal is the paralysis of government to insure the failure of the Obama administration's attempts to improve the lives of US citizens).

Note; I am NOT a Republican, but I respect their ability to work together in order to achieve their goals in spite of arguably motivating factors of money and greed by their sponsors. Still, in a recent debate of Republican presidential candidates, Mitt Romney came to near physical blows with his 'rival' from the same political party, Rick Perry. Both are on the same 'team', and both are struggling (as all Republicans do today) to be as far to the right of center of the base in their party as they can be.

If 'self' were not a factor at all, then to debate would be an emotion-free exchange of ideas, perceptions, and knowledge. Both would help to groom the other to be the best candidate that he or she could be. It would be in the interest of both that the citizens would be able to choose the best person to trust to have the responsibility to provide leadership for us all.

So what happened in the debate between Mitt and Rick that demonstrated escalation of emotion and invasion of personal space?

When the institution of 'self' presents itself from its perspective of center of its own universe, and makes assessments and judgments of someone's competing perspective, emotion is fueled by the internal arguments of each saying "... No, my perspective is correct and I am better than you". You can witness the competition of personal ideas in their exchanges in the same way as watching selfish young children behave, 'My mom's better than your mom'. No, my mom's better than your mom!'

The lesson is that we need to overcome the internal flaws of our brains in order to work together in an efficient and effective way. There are many examples of urgent situations that will demand a different paradigm from the one we have in order to be successful... in order to survive: such as unbridled population growth in the face of diminishing resources and global climate change, social, political, and economic dependence on a fragile infrastructure of hardware and software that shockingly few of us would be able to repair, the diffusion of technology for mass destruction throughout the world...

As difficult and urgent as those problems (among many more) are to overcome, we must begin our journey to overcome the fundamental flaws of our ability to act and to react in unison by learning the first and the most important lesson; that all people are equal.

No institution of 'self' is greater than any other institution of 'self'. Pardon the pun, but it is self-evident considering the definition of 'self' is rooted in subjective perspective. We do not have the time to adopt the principle into our Constitution that all people are equal, before we need to practice using it, although it would be wise to do both simultaneously. The inability to reign in the influence of the institution of 'self' on decisions regarding our collective interests will be the undoing of us all.

What do you suppose the costs will be for us not to be able to act in unison? Think about it for a moment. How soon can you visualize consequences for us all? Put another way, which of our succeeding generations are you prepared to sacrifice due to our inaction, and does it matter to you that their failure to survive may be the last hope of our species to survive?

To acknowledge that we are not greater than or less than equal to everyone else may not be the only answer to unlocking our potential to survive and to thrive in a changing world, but it is an essential part and it will forever change us for the better. For example, you cannot discriminate against anyone if everyone is equal to you. Also, you cannot be an aggressor in a war, for to kill anyone who is equal to you is tantamount to suicide. Even bullying becomes inconceivable.

'Wow', you think, 'such an easy fix to the historical baggage that we all carry, unfairness and war'. Yes, in theory. But how can we reign in the influence of the institution of 'self' in order to achieve our ability to collectively reason; or to reason for our collective good?

There are several things that need to happen to sustain our ability to maintain collective reason over time:

1. We have to agree on the facts. What is the quality and the quantity of information that you have that we can find agreement on or that can be determined to be irrefutable?

2. Are you willing to challenge the rigidity of your institutional positions of 'belief' and 'self' in order to accept a time-sensitive consensus (set precedent should always be subject to review) regarding ideological concepts such as country, religion, government, or education? For example, look at the message below. Even if it offends you personally, can you agree with the position that it is socially logical when we are (each of us) equal to one another?

3. Are you willing to share the principles and values which guide you, and help to construct an economic system which rewards the best principles and behavioral traits among us?

4. Are you willing to make or accept cultural customs, which reinforce our awareness of how the institution of 'self' impacts other institutions within others and us with whom we interact?

5. Are you motivated to act soon enough to make a difference?

I will never have my daughter back, or my dear friend who recently left me for their perception that I am less than equal to them. My life is dimmer and has less color and texture with their loss. I love them both dearly. I will always miss you, daughter. I will always miss you, friend... If only we had known each other in the future that we should all hope for...

What remains is for us to learn and to move on, to be the architects and engineers of a policy of continuous improvement for the 'ALL' of us."

I followed my story with the video and words to Don McLean's song, 'Vincent'. After a period of about a week and seeing that no one who had read my story thought enough of it to comment, I critiqued it myself in this narrative,

"CLAP echo...CLAP echo...CLAP echo...a small man emerged from the shadows near the door. "Holy cow, this is magnificent!" The sound of his shoes coming towards me echoed as he walked..."Beautiful!" echo. "Who are you?" I asked. "... Like it MATTERS here...Are you using your real name here? Give me a break!" He paused, still distant from me and he smiled, knowingly. "I am an attorney... or I am the Devil's Advocate, either way I am the DA to you.

... Mind if I smoke?" "Yes, I do mind. If you must smoke, please do so outside", I said. "That's just fine... You built this yourself...what a monumental ACHIEVEMENT for YOU (echo)...Is this ivory or marble?" as the DA raised his arms in my empty and dimly lit eight-story sanctuary with a translucent domed ceiling. "I think it is interesting that there are no other rooms here. Do you actually have to walk down the street to find a place to relieve yourself?" "Odd", I thought to myself, "I hadn't even noticed that there was no restroom before he had mentioned it."

I must have looked surprised. "I have been here before while you were asleep." I was astonished to think of how vulnerable I was in my own sanctuary. He continued, "I hope you don't mind that I let myself in and read your story here. In fact I have read ALL (shouted) of your little diatribes on the need for equality and CHANGE. I even know WHY you wrote this one...it is because you CAN'T LET IT GO!...CAN YOU?" He was yelling and I shuddered and was at a loss for words as he slowly made his way to the guest book. "So, you were up sleepless nights from the time you posted your last plea for others to see things YOUR WAY, built this hollow monument to yourself in an effort to make your argument seem COMPELLING (Shouted) (Echo), and NOBODY CARES! (Echo)"

My heart was beating more quickly and my eyes didn't even blink. I felt afraid, even in HERE! He is so calm, yet so powerful a presence.

"You RESPECT (echo) Annie, don't you?" "How do you know Annie?" I asked. He continued as if I hadn't spoken at all. "Annie is the only flesh and blood person who knows you...YOU! (Shouted) (Echo) (Echo). Annie worries about you writing this stuff, does she not?" He didn't wait for a response. "If you died tomorrow, Annie would be the only person at your funeral, and your life's passion here would not even get an HONORABLE MENTION (Shouted) (Echo) (Echo). Why? Because she doesn't even agree with you that people need to try to survive. She thinks that humans have run their course just like the dinosaurs and that all of the people reading about the Mayan Calendar and Nostradamus will fulfill their own prophecy...AND SHE IS RIGHT! (Shouted) (Echo) (Echo)"

You (he pointed his finger angrily at me) on the other hand... you have been blessed or cursed with some kind of "second sight" or (he held his fingers in gesture of a quotation) "clairvoyance" where you see DARKNESS in the direction people are headed as it had been where history had taken you just two or three generations ago.

What a wasted life..." I interrupted, "Who are you to judge my life as "wasted". I have friends who care about me..." The DA yelled back, "WHAT IS YOUR PASSION? WHAT IS YOUR MISSION STATEMENT? THIS IS WHERE YOU ARE...IN YOUR OWN SANCTUARY! (Shouted) (Echo) (Echo)" He paused, looked away, and then back at me, smiling. "YOU ARE AN INCREDIBLE PARADOX! YOU BUILT THIS SANCTUARY TO PROTECT YOURSELF FROM THE SOCIETY WHICH YOU BOTH FEAR AND LOVE. Society has let you know that there is a place for you, but it's not with THEM! (Shouted) (Echo) (Echo)

You know the difference between forgiveness and indifference where it applies to betrayal from the people in your life, yet you expect that people should believe that you and everyone else can just PUT THAT ASIDE for the greater good of you all?" His face contorted with anger and his eyes flared...then he turned away as he said, "You know... you are really stupid..." I started to show anger myself, but he turned back before I said anything and he put his hands out as if to calm me, and then he turned his head down and to the side and continued, "Now I know how that word is degrading and how it infuriates you, but I only mean it in the kindest way that I can think of.

(Shouted) HERE YOU ARE IN YOUR PRISON SANCTUARY PLEADING FOR OTHERS TO LISTEN TO YOU FOR GUIDENCE AND TO FOLLOW YOU TO SAFETY...WHO'S YOUR AUDIENCE? Did you really think that you would find Jane or John Doe here reading this crap? I couldn't believe the BS in your story! You talk about the physiology of the brain...AS IF YOU KNOW, and draw parallels to sociology. Do you have a medical degree?...NOOO! Do you have a sociology degree or even a political science degree? NOOO! But you have PASSION...blind, beautiful, stupid PASSION!"

He looked absolutely mad, but I no longer feared him. "How many people will it take to gain a consensus for what you advocate for there to be even the slightest chance at making a difference in changing the course of history? Your writing has every bit the appeal that your guest list proves.

Now WATCH! (Echo) Let me show you how it's done."

Magically, the room transformed into a courtroom where I was the judge seated at the bench and the DA was making his case to the jury of about thirty people:

"Ladies and men of the jury... PAY ATTENTION THERE WILL BE A QUIZ!" The room was still and filled with electricity. "The bridge that you are standing on is on fire. Now, you can do one of three things: you can panic and run, in which case you will all die, you can do nothing, in which case you will all die, or you can work cooperatively to quickly find an agreeable solution that takes some, most, or all of you to safety.

The judge may be passionate and stupid, but she is right. If you are smart, you won't waste your time reading the entire story, and if you like the music at the end, then please disinvite yourselves from any party of mine, but neither is this story all BS.

Just start reading after the paragraph which begins with "Wow"". He shook his head and looked down as he slowly turned toward me while the jury disappeared and the courtroom transitioned back into my sanctuary.

""For they could not love you, but still your love was true..." is that line from the song about your daughter and your friend, or is that about how you feel about everyone and how just about everyone else feels about you? It doesn't matter."

He pulled out a cigarette and put it between his lips, and then he lit it, turned, and he blew a great blue puff of smoke that blossomed into a cloud above and to the side of me, and then he started to walk away. After taking a few steps he stopped and turned toward me with a half-smile. "If I didn't like you, I would have blown that in your face."

I was breathless and motionless as I watched him disappear towards the door and listened to the echoes of his trailing footsteps..."

I looked down at my feet to the poem etched into the floor as the sanctuary disappeared; words I had written to my friend on January 8th, 2011 with renewed meaning,

"I cannot be happy and live with regret.

The morning sun is life's button to reset.

Remember the love, the smiles, and his or her touch.

Don't dwell on the aches, the fears, the tears and such.

The events in our lives help us to be wise,

They teach others and us so mistakes aren't made twice.

Better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved, 'tis true.

I couldn't endure the pain of love's loss without help and support from friends and Sisters; like you.

So share yourself completely; be honest, caring, and true.

Others, like me will find you, and be here for you.

Love fuels our soul, is alive and it grows.

Give more than you take, for even more will come back...I just know."

The time for change suddenly seemed upon us. Soon there would be no need for sanctuary. On October 23rd, 2011 I wrote,

"... The revolution by the power of money could never be sustained because of insatiable greed. What we are seeing on Wall Street is an amorphous beginning of the 'equal and opposite' reaction by people who have been taken advantage of. What will result?

I favor one of many possibilities that will be up for debate in the coming months or year. I don't give the status quo much longer to thrive, and we all need to hope that they don't torch us all before relinquishing to a transitory economic system.

I picture an economic system based upon the principle that ALL PEOPLE ARE EQUAL and which rewards the best of our traits as people, rather than the traits of greed and selfishness. What do you picture?"

The polarizing comments coming from the Republican candidates during their presidential campaigns was frightening for their influence even while being rooted in nonsense... and worse.

A friend posted a video ad by US Republican presidential contender, Herman Cain. I responded with this comment on October 26th, 2011

"The only redeeming thing in the entire video was the flowers. The fact that they were tossed to the ground like garbage was the most important symbolism; nothing of beauty or intelligence matters to some of us...even to some who selfishly think that they deserve our trust to lead us to higher ground. It is too bad for all of us that testosterone driven brute force is as meaningful to some of us now, as it was in the Stone Age, for making collective choices and future plans.

The really sad thing is that for all of the money in right-wing politics, he or someone equally 'talented' could be in the White House pushing their agenda and make most of us long for the 'good-old-days' when the top 1% of us only had 40% of the wealth of us all, and when women still had some control over their own bodies, and when some groups of us were only marginalized instead of persecuted."

On October 30th 2011 I wrote to a friend,

"... Finally people are speaking out around the country and around the world, in a movement which originated on Wall Street in New York's financial district, about the unfairness in our economic system, which concentrates wealth and political/social power and influence to a few.

Our political system has eroded from an effective democracy to something else as well; oligarchy of a few 'haves', in a sea of 'have-nots' and an under-skilled labor force where mechanization and outsourcing of jobs will leave most of the middle class wondering for decades to come, why the best they can hope for are the bread crumbs left out for them... if there are any at all offered.

Don't worry; I KNOW that there is a way out of this to better times. I just hope that you and I will still be here to see it happen."

There is a personal strength that comes from optimism. A little closer to home, now on November 3rd, 2011 I wrote to my friends about a personal achievement that I couldn't have accomplished without the support of others,

NEWS FLASH!!

... Today with the help and support of my friends I stood up for myself at my work place and Natalae WON, BIG-TIME!

Extra, Extra!

My 'management appraisal review' was in September. Since then I have asked my manager three times to have a sit-down meeting with her manager. I saw her manager in the hall two days ago and told her that I have made several requests to see her. She said to ask my manager to schedule a half hour for me, but I pressed her for an hour of her time. In the meeting that we had today, she started, "Well, we offered a raise to you but you aren't satisfied... how much of a raise do you feel you deserve?"... I told her that money is important, but not all that is important...

Most or all of you who will read this know that I have lost my biological family because of social stereotypes about the circumstances of my birth. It took all of my courage to approach my employer with the same truth. I am proud to acknowledge my very special and heart-felt thanks to our mutual friend, Cheeky, and to my partner Annie for giving me the strength and confidence, which ultimately carried the day. Both of them knew that I risked it all to stand tall.

After a deep breath and telling her that my real name is not my legal name, she responded to me by saying that I hadn't been hiding in her eyes, that she knew all along, but only watched my performance as an employee. She didn't know the applicable terminology, but understood similar issues and the social costs of intolerance.

I told her how I HATE having to come to work improperly attired, that my own life bleeds out while I have to pretend to be someone else, but that the status quo would not change until or unless Annie changes that part of our 'agreement'. I told her that to do so would involve speeding up the timetable for a legal name change, which could impact a marriage contract; thus partner access to health and other benefits (tax filing for another).

... She said that she would be fine for me to be myself while at work if it becomes an option. I burst into tears at her graciousness, but just for a moment. Then she asked if the book that I brought with me was for her. I told her that it was the book, "True Selves", that I was grateful for her response, and 'yes', I had hoped that she might like to read it (and especially for the case that it might help to save my job).

I have a raise, but more importantly I have discovered, if not a friend, an ally who knows and respects me. I have a very healthy respect for her too.

Today is one of the best days of my life.

Smiles all around"

The very next day, after being asked about my name, I wrote back to my friend on November 4th, 2011,

"I was finally at peace with myself and with the truth of my life. The path before me was not ideal, but it was clear. I started working on my will. It is complicated, because I need to legally change my name to 'Natalae' before I die. I require that even though I cannot be Natalae full-time, or have a full life as Natalae, that I will be remembered by my name alone, free from association with the male name that was given to me by my deceived parents and that by condition, I had to wear as a part-time character. I depend on our legal system then, for the memory of me. Please keep your fingers crossed, as I do too."

Annie was witness to both the whiplash of depression from the events of October 22nd, 2011 and from the positive reinforcement that coming clean to someone in management at work had on me. The depression was severe and I didn't object to Annie's suggestion to schedule some time with a therapist in order to help protect against future emotional slides, but Annie had changed too.

Later, on November 5th, 2011 I wrote this about a hopeful future,

IMAGINE GREATER

"Annie thinks that we are 'going to heck' (not her word) in a hand-basket. Not me. The last time so much wealth had accumulated in the hands of so few was before the (not so) Great Depression. Government was able to step in to fix a flawed economy (again), by creating jobs that put money back into the hands of those who had gone without.

This time is different; while we have the lessons of history to learn from, those in power are the wealthy or under the influence of the wealthy. They are not amenable to compassion or patriotism if it means giving back what they had taken over the past thirty years, or paying consequences for cheating on Wall Street, which triggered this recession in the first place. The result is a festering population all over the world who will eventually rise up and finally imagine greater than what was handed to them.

I remember when John Lennon used to say things like, "War is Over, if you want it" and "Imagine Peace" while the Vietnam conflict was still raging. There is truth in his words. We don't dare speak in public yet about creative ways to make something more noble than 'greed' to motivate economic activity because people aren't ready to change cultural and political foundations. Someday it will happen. What it will take is a loss of faith in the current system together with hope, inspiration, and enthusiasm.

The last time I heard the poll numbers on the approval rating for the US Congress it was 9%. Last week, I heard presidential Republican candidate Herman Cain say, "Just so I can clarify this for the media, this may be a breaking news announcement for the media: I am the Koch brothers' brother from another mother," Cain said during a speech at an Americans for Prosperity event in Washington, D.C. "Yes. I'm their brother from another mother! And proud of it "

I am well passed the 'loss of faith in the current system' stage, terrified by the right wing conservatives that promise a future more horrifying than I can handle, and I am well into imagining greater. I just think we need to have social equality to get there first...Then comes the fun part..."

I did see an opening for a dream matched only in scope by the founding fathers of our country, a dream that our children's children would look back upon 'someday soon' with grateful joy.

On November 13th, 2011 I was brought back to the very personal part of intolerance and inequality when my friend who, like me was born 'girl-in-a-boy', needed encouragement and strength. I wrote to her,

"Kimberly don't you give up. Womblis is right; each of us is a work in progress and our place is equal to everyone, regardless of our ability or circumstances to transition completely. The saddest comment of our society is that it can make a beautiful woman like you feel bad about yourself. You deserve to transition without fear and without barriers. It may seem a small consolation, but your suffering is shared by all of us who care and our circle of compassion will someday grow to make it easier for us all to be accepted. We all need each other.

There is still time for you to find the help you need and you can look back at this time and take pride in 'who' you are and not just the character that others think that you are. If that is impossible, you will still need to find help in accepting and appreciating the gift of life that is yours to love. I hope for all of your wishes to come true and I am sending strength for you to pursue them, and to have patience to overcome destructive impulses. Stay strong, girlfriend."

On November 15th, 2011 I wrote to another friend who is close to my age and a few years behind me in transitioning to her true self,

"I won't spoil the many surprises still in store for you, but I watch as a parent watches a child discovering presents under the tree on Christmas morning. I am so happy that you are discovering the joy and feeling of fulfillment that I have and still continue to discover. I am about two years ahead of you with HRT. I only wish that everyone who discovers the need to follow our path could have the same access and fulfillment.

We can never forget the barriers that others have through fear, physical ability, financial cost and other impediments to a healthy and fulfilling life. Someday, I hope society will recognize and understand our medical needs for what they are and dispel the persistent notion that this is an elective lifestyle, motivated by psychological rather than physical congenital difference to most other births.

Our joy is usually met by losses in other areas of our life, but the need to be true to ourselves, and to be remembered by the people we are rather than the characters we had to play due to improper socialization, is an overwhelming personal driver, at least for me.

I know who you are and I know that you know who I am. Not everyone can or will. Some less compassionate or less knowledgeable people describe us by 'what' they think we are. You are a wonderful person and it means so much to me that we are friends. Congratulations!"

On November 17th, 2011 I mentioned to Annie how others in her family had coalesced around her since her brother Lowell had passed on. She then decided that others from her family should be inclusive of me; that she would set an example of the acceptance that I deserve.

I couldn't believe my ears! Annie, for the first time, showed pride in me as her partner and as a person to her family. I asked her if she was sure that she was ready for this, if she thought of any ramifications of how this new step would make her feel, and she assured me that she had. She said that if others cannot accept me, then that would be their problem.

For the first time, Annie made plans to invite some in her family to be with us to re-celebrate our Thanksgiving on the following Saturday. Thanksgiving Day is reserved for Annie and me alone. We both felt grateful for all of the blessings which had come from such remote possibilities over the past years.

Comforted by the security I felt from Annie, on November 19th, 2011 I was inspired to think again of the bigger picture of social change that needs to happen in order to structure a framework of principles within society which will guide each of us to aspire to the highest of human values. I wrote,

"Love of money=greed -> (leads to) social inequality (inherently incompatible for an effective democracy)->power=speech/influence->consolidation of power for power's sake. The math makes sense that corporate America (ex. Koch brothers funding the Tea party) is consolidating their political power at the expense of our democracy, and will continue to do so with no motive for them to stop the cycle in consolidation of their power, which continually increases their resources to wield even more power.

I would say that after thirty years of big-money interests successfully increasing their share of our collective wealth that many of us are finally understanding the inspired plans of our forefathers has been derailed and it is time to imagine greater...and then imagine the best that we can. There is much more hope for change now than at any time that I can remember, but there is a lot of money/power/influence to overcome.

Let us all hope for non-violence during the changes that need to, and are bound to happen for us to become the most free, most democratic, and the most equitable society which has ever existed."

On the eve of Thanksgiving, on November 23rd, 2011 in a story I named, "What a Wonderful World... Imagine it!" I wrote my thoughts to answer to the question posed early in this book (on page 5):

WHAT A WONDERFUL WORLD...IMAGINE IT!

"So, which advice is sager?

1. Treat each and every person with the love, dignity and respect that you would wish for if you found yourself in the same circumstances, or,

2. Be yourself.

The question begs the analysis of each statement. Some would argue that #1 is a restatement of the 'Golden Rule' ("Do unto others as you would have others do unto you"), but they would be wrong. The differences are important; statement #1 requires the reader to wear the shoes of another, while the 'Golden Rule' is an instruction to the reader to act in accordance to the selfish motive of how one wishes to be treated personally, under given circumstances.

Statement #1 requires compassion to visualize the station of another and by doing so, allows one to understand that we, each of us, is a product of biology and environment who could have been born into different conditions which would have made us to be different from ourselves, but not unlike other people that we see. For example, if one were born into an affluent family, consider how success might come differently if that same person were born without access to education or even a healthy diet.

An alternate view to make a point is that any of us could be successful or not where environment were manipulated to maximize or to minimize its congruency to our personal values and particular strengths. Therefore, a conclusion that we can reach from statement #1 is that; for all of the differences that we perceive in others compared to ourselves, we are all equal and that each of us deserves to be treated with love, dignity, and respect.

Statement #2 seems simple and trite at first glance. If said quickly, "be yourself" it is advice that you might have heard at some time in your life to mean that you should relax. The actual meaning goes much deeper when we understand that a requirement for someone to become 'relaxed' is to understand and be true to oneself. Self-actualization (vitality, creativity, self-sufficiency, authenticity (meeting or exceeding one's own expectations, willingness to diverge from cultural norms out of integrity and/or curiosity, flexibility, acceptance of other's nonconformity), coupled with honesty to oneself and to others is the prerequisite for one to feel relaxed... to be one's self.

A full appreciation of statement #2 is required before one can appreciate the truth of statement #1. One cannot play the character of another (not be 'yourself') and accurately feel compassion for, or empathize with the circumstances of another.

So, the question of which statement is sager than the other becomes moot as their combination seems to have been destined for us to codify. The personal integration of the principles of each statement by each of us is a simple recipe for social harmony.

Imagine a world where we could each appreciate the value of both from a time of our youth. I do. It is within our reach for a social renaissance to occur and an opportunity for us to evolve into a truly egalitarian society, putting discrimination and social inequality behind us forever."

On December 1st, 2011 I wrote to a friend in the UK, Ruth, referencing just how deeply my depression had been while dealing with the loss of Annie's brother-in-law and generally how events had been affecting Annie and me.

"Today has been a miracle for me, Ruth. Life certainly is rich and I struggle just like we all do, but I am no longer thinking about 'sleeping' now. Annie's brother-in-law, Butch, is at peace finally too. He was in the company of his wife when he fell asleep and died while his wife held his hand. Part of my own anxiety was rooted with Butch and his family and friends. Even while none of them would allow me to be in their company, I still cared for them all.

Life certainly has been rich with severe depression due to recent loss of life and some disrespectful behavior by some in Annie's family towards me, and it caused a trying time again for Annie and me. However, we both have so much in our relationship to be grateful for that we always find a way to come together.

Annie and I had a long talk yesterday and today and then we went shopping this afternoon. We had dinner together in the Twin Cities (Minneapolis/St. Paul, Minnesota). She understands what it means to be proud of what we have, and our relationship is strong again. I just put on my new nightgown and robe set that she bought for me and I feel wonderful and at peace.

I know myself well enough that I just couldn't make it alone. Part of my recent depression was recognizing that should something tragic happen to Annie, that there is absolutely no one here for me. I would have to move away and try to start a new life in a new city...a frightening thought for me at 28 yrs. old (effective age vs. 57 chronological age).

I'll make plans to minimize the trauma in the unfortunate event that I outlive Annie. Meanwhile, Ruth, I want you to always remember how much it means to me that we are friends and how much I cherish you. I know that I am safe in your heart in all cases and you can also rest assured that you live safely protected within my heart too.

I am so happy to tell you that I cannot imagine being happier, given the circumstances, other than if I could tell you face to face.

I am going to have my happiest Christmas this year, even if I am alone. All I need to do is close my eyes and won't be alone after all..."

That same day, December 1st, 2011 Ruth had written that her grandfather had been neglected by medical staff during his final hours when he had soiled his clothes, and how she felt helpless to do more to help him to restore his dignity before he passed on. What had happened to her as a result resonated with me, and I thought of how I would wish to be remembered. I wrote back to her,

"Thank you for sharing your memories of your grandfather. His gift to you and to us is his life and his remarkable sensitivity, resilience, creativity, and companionship. If I could wish for how others would remember my life when I pass, it would be for someone to be as gracious as you. Your grandfather was lucky that you were with him in the hospital, but you were both lucky to have whatever time together throughout your lives that you had. That is how I remember my grandparents too.

It is incomprehensible how some who are charged with caring for others can allow such deplorable circumstances to happen at any time, but especially at the end of life. I hope with you, that such indignity never happens again to anyone.

One thing I learned from a friend here is that our lives are as they are, and that there is no 'do-over' for any part, so we must accept the events of our lives, no regrets. With that perspective, and from your grandfather's eyes, it may be comforting for you to know that he saw his own deep passion had been passed down and entrusted to your compassionate concern for himself and for others. Even while your grandfather suffered personal indignity due to his physical circumstances, how satisfying it must have been for him, in his final moments, to feel such pride in his granddaughter – you.

It may well be then, that events actually conspired to grace his final moments with the thankful realization that you love him, and that you were there and concerned for him all the while. I feel proud of you too."

The thought of her grandfather and of my friends' close relationship with him were never very far away in my mind. You will see how I eventually found a way to meet him myself and for her to be touched by him in a story I wrote.

On December 2nd, 2011, Ruth confessed to being very shy and she inspired me to think of how discrimination can be so ubiquitous that few would recognize it as such.

"I remember the first speech that I gave to my classmates when I was in 6th grade. I was so terrified of standing alone at the front of the class that I memorized my entire report the previous night in order to help me to overcome my anxiety. I can still remember parts of it forty-five years later.

As I took my place and the classroom became quiet, I began to speak, but was completely gripped by an unwarranted fear that I could not control. With each word, my throat tightened, my voice trembled and I felt sweat form on my face as if I were under spotlights. I completed the speech but felt as though I may have gone through something more alike the Bataan death march in the Philippines during World War II.

Some would classify the feeling I had as 'stage fright' and I would agree, but I too was shy and I sometimes found myself in social situations throughout my life which made me feel the same as you, except by degree perhaps.

I would disagree with the advice that one should stop pretending to appear more confident than they actually are, because society expects that we are our own best advocates. We all need to try to express ourselves as best we can. For example, I once had a business and I needed to promote it to new clients and needed to speak publicly often in my adult life, but I never lost the uneasiness I felt in overcoming my shyness. I had to 'pretend' in order to compete because competition is a structural component of our society and a prerequisite for success, regardless of any personal, physical or psychological barriers.

Would anyone disagree that we suffer some indignity if we allow or need someone else to do our own bidding for us aside from a legal setting? If we live long enough, each of us is likely to feel the indignity of no longer being able to drive ourselves, shop for ourselves, or even take care of our own bodies. We will have to give those responsibilities over to someone else and we will NOT like having to do that.

Neither would someone who is shy want to live a lesser life in the shadows of others who happened to be born differently or have been exposed to a different environment which allows them to feel more confidence within the same social settings.

Here, in America there is a commonly heard expression, "The squeaky wheel gets the grease." Equally expressive is what you say, that those who are shy and less apt to 'squeak' are less likely to be understood by those who can 'squeak' just fine on their own. That is not to say that one who squeaks well is in any way better, is more deserving, has a better informed opinion, or should have preference over someone who is shy..."

Even while thinking about discrimination, I was still struggling with my own depression from my personal losses in October. On December 3rd, 2011 I wrote to a friend about it

"Dearest Janis,

... I am also a patient these days. You aren't the only reason, but I have been very worried about you. I have a new bed and new prescriptions as of three days ago in order to help me to sleep and to help me cope with overwhelming depression and anxiety. I was a fence-sitter last night, thinking that I might have to go to the hospital. I am much better today and hearing from you again is like medicine for my soul."

On December 4th, 2011 I wrote to another friend about some deplorable behavior directed at Annie because of me, which harkened back to the recent death of Annie's brother-in-law, Butch.

"While at the memorial for Annie's brother-in-law, Annie's youngest son, Keith offered to pay his own son $20 to insult Annie about me. Annie's nephew Mark and his fiancée Heather were within earshot and walked away from him while Annie's ex-husband encouraged Keith by laughing about the idea. Annie rode home with her nephew and fiancée (an hour drive) and they told Annie about what had happened and how disgusted they were at Keith's and his father's behavior. Annie told me when she got back home.

Both Mark and Heather seem supportive of Annie and me now. The two of them got a hotel room and will come back here to pick Annie and Jeremy up in the morning to go back for the funeral, but they stopped back over to our apartment to visit again tonight. I was so happy to be able to thank them both for their support of Annie and me, and they both said that they would like to make a habit of coming here to visit us.

I had an anxiety attack earlier that day while Annie was at the funeral and she had forgotten to call me to say that she arrived safely. I was alone and thought about going to the hospital when my chest was starting hurt. But Annie was only about 15 minutes from making it back home so I didn't make the call. As Annie was relaying the story above, I felt my tension fade.

Annie sees me in a different light now too, and there is the potential for Jeremy to learn from how awfully his brother behaved. I hope that he can learn something, but I know that the likelihood of him reaching an epiphany is remote as a conservative Republican would be to accept me (Jeremy is a conservative Republican).

Still, I'll keep my fingers crossed. Better he reaches an epiphany than I teach him a lesson or two and burn bridges at the same time..."

I wrote more about the reason for my anxiety attack in a story I wrote on December 10th, 2011,

A LITTLE TOO ANXIOUS FOR THE HOLIDAYS

I am much better again, although vulnerable. I have been dealing with anxiety with the circumstances surrounding the death of Annie's brother-in-law, and then I had a paralyzing attack when Annie (my partner) forgot to call me from the funeral parlor when she got there for the memorial.

Annie's nephew Mark drove Annie, Jeremy, and Heather (Mark's fiancée) to the funeral home. Mark and Heather had driven about three hours to get here and it would be another hour to the funeral home in Alma, Wisconsin (a little 'river town' along the Mississippi River). While they were here visiting, Mark recounted about how fast he drove to get here, even though it was icy and foggy. I suspected from the look on her face that Heather felt a little uncomfortable about Mark's driving. He may have been risking her life, his life, and others just to get here!

I worried about Annie traveling with them (I was disinvited to attend), and when Annie didn't call me to let me know that she arrived safely, I began to worry. We always let each other know that we are okay in circumstances like that and I reminded her to call me as she was leaving home.

I tried to call Annie several times, but kept getting her answering machine. I didn't dare call the funeral home and draw attention to her or to me. After a few hours, I visualized her cell phone covered in blood in the snow somewhere along the highway between here and Alma. I was about to start calling the hospitals to see if there had been any recorded traffic accidents when she finally called and apologized for not calling sooner.

The anxiety I felt was palpable. For the first time, I realized how hostile this environment is for me without Annie as a part of it. There is no one aside from Annie, who would support me in a crisis; indeed others would only delight in my pain if I lost Annie.

I would have to attend to Annie's final wishes alone, but more likely, under the hateful eyes of her family and my former family and children. I could not attend her funeral with anyone, but would have to have an arranged time to pay final tribute alone, just as Annie is the only person who will be allowed to be at my funeral, for I could not rest with hateful people near me.

As time ticked by and I waited for Annie to call, I wondered if I would have the resources and the strength to move to a different city where no one would know me and to start a new life... alone... or if it would be time for me to 'go quietly' myself and succumb to my wounds and my fear.

Annie is all right for now, but the lesson was well learned. No decision has yet been made as to how I would cope if something were to happen to Annie, and that in itself is a source of anxiety. I am weakened and fearful of where I live because of the heartless and bigoted people who cannot accept me as a person, but I may not be any more secure in a city where I choose to start life anew, if that were my choice.

Interesting isn't it, that as I was writing this, a friend here just happened to write a note to me about an island that she would purchase if she ever strikes it rich... and that Annie and I would be among those who would be welcomed there. Could there be a sound as sweet?

Perhaps...

This story was actually a letter that I was writing to another friend, who had told me, "Hold your head high, and know that I hold you in very high regard." She was helping me to cope and had sent those encouraging words and others which still help me."

Annie was more than 'alright' to me. She kept her promise to encourage her family (Jeremy, Mark, Heather and Lugene) to come to our apartment for Christmas. I wrote in a card to her on December 17th, 2011,

"Dear Annie,

I had promised myself to make this Christmas my best ever, even while I had expected to be alone, but you have made this Christmas so much more hopeful than I could have ever dreamed.

You already know that you are amazing, dazzling, brilliant, courageous, strong, resilient, gorgeous, thoughtful, intelligent, and funny, but you are also more compassionate and supportive than you give yourself credit.

Well, I have noticed and I can promise you that your precious gifts of friendship and companionship outshine any other that you could purchase for me (although you should feel welcome to try as you might to prove me to be wrong).

Thank you for bringing your family into our lives. I am so very proud of you... and of us.

Your forever grateful partner,  
Natalae"

The next day, I was 'tagged' by my friend Ruth to say five things about myself in a story, and I wrote this little snapshot of how I was feeling on December 18th, 2011.

I WAS TAGGED

I wasn't going to respond to being tagged, but Ruth, who tagged me, has always inspired me and I would feel a little remiss if I didn't honor her challenge.

1. I am a mother who loves all children and who has no children... anymore.

2. I am four, nine, seventeen, thirty-five, and fifty-seven years old. This is because I have had many years of school in the sciences and math, but none in the matters that affect me the most now. Each age represents a stage from which I am a current student in life.

3. I have memories of being respected by professional peers and family from a life I no longer want and can no longer have. I have a life being successful at a job and the friendship of my partner, and the crucial support which I have found here on SN, which may have saved me.

4. I love so very many people but if I am loved at all, it is by my small circle of close friends on SN, whom I do love sincerely, but have never met in person.

5. I live in fear of almost everyone in my immediate environment. I have done nothing wrong, but they see me as 'different' and not equal to them. My very simple and fragile life is about maintaining anonymity, yet using my imagination to help to make life better for everyone."

On the next day, December 19th, 2011 I wrote about the family which did love me – my family on SN.

"Janis almost popped? That's no less the hug I would give her for introducing me to you, Siobhan... There is strong connective tissue between you and me, Miss Siobhan, and between all of us in the family that we have in common. Something magical and wonderful has happened when we have all met, even though there is nothing tangible between us.

I have found my ground to stand on when I needed to stand up for you and for others here, and you have given meaning to my life and supported me when others around me felt I was disposable to them. I am so blessed to have any family at all, but I have been blessed by a family that is incomparable in the love, compassion, caring...and humor that binds this family..."

I omitted this, but wrote it as a part of this letter just for myself,

"Others may define 'family' differently, my former family might have cited a requirement of blood, genetics, or legal adoption... but what we have seems a perfect definition; a naturally occurring social unit which requires no promise or contract between individual members, nor a minimum physical distance, but which relies upon love and compassion in order to remain cohesive and mutually supportive under any and all circumstances. I think that we are all pretty lucky, and I am absolutely certain that I am."

By December 30th, 2011, my much anticipated Christmas celebration with members of Annie's family had come and gone. The event was very pleasant, but as I wrote to a friend on that day, it ultimately disappointed our expectations.

"I wasn't alone for Christmas this year for the first time in several years. Annie and I invited some in her family to celebrate with us. I was so hopeful that this would be a first step towards gaining acceptance by them, but afterward only Annie heard from them. I was very disappointed and hurt until I remembered that I hadn't lost anything. I have 'enough' to be grateful and to carry on. Thank you Bella."

I wrote in more detail to a friend on January 2nd, 2012 about my feelings of insecurity and rejection at that time.

"I am always able to recover by remembering what I have to be grateful for...friends like you.

Dear Ruth,

I was hopeful that inviting Annie's sister (Lugene) to our Christmas would begin an era of acceptance and family. Three others did come and it was the first Christmas that I didn't spend alone. Lugene called to say that she wouldn't be coming at the last moment. Annie had just repaired their tattered relationship after more than a decade when Lugene's husband died recently.

Annie was invited and went on New Year's Eve to bring Lugene the presents we bought for her at Christmas. She only invited Annie to her house on New Year's Eve and Annie was surprised to find that it was a family party and that Lugene had intentionally excluded me. Lugene only had Christmas presents for Annie and there was no mention of me. I was left alone and ignored...again.

It is no small thing that Annie's sister is a key figure in her family and that failure to gain her acceptance means that there will be little or no chance for me to gain acceptance with ANYONE in Annie's family, which means absolutely no family for me aside from SN. I am so alone that if anything were to happen to Annie, then my environment would be too hostile for me to survive. I am very frightened and insecure, but the good news is that it makes being depressed easier to handle (really sick humor!).

New Year's Eve I was unable to sleep a wink, let alone have cause to celebrate. I could only imagine my permanent absence even while knowing how illogical 'escape' is. The walls get so close to me, but I always manage to recover my space.

I have never weighed so little, as an adult, because of stress and lack of sleep, but I can tell you these things because I am certain that I will recover as soon as I can put time and distance between here and the next series of hard knocks.

I look forward to this year as a year for positive changes...just a feeling I have. Something that keeps me going is just remembering that it isn't 'me' that is important, it is the relationships that I hold dear. Friends are forever, and no matter what happens we live on inside of each other.

I am only lonely until I close my eyes and remember that some of the many people who I care about still care about me and I thank my lucky stars for them...for you.

Your forever friend and Sister,  
Natalae"

On January 7th, 2012 I started connecting the dots of events that were causing such anxiety and depression in me in a story I named,

THE WORLD WILL CHANGE... RIGHT?

"Annie told me that I cannot confide only in her, about feeling small and afraid.

In one of my stories I had written, "I may be overly sensitive. I identify with people who are victims of hate crimes, some victims are my friends, and I belong to a group among many groups which are hated and misunderstood by many. It is difficult for me to keep my self-esteem above the waterline and the longer I wait for parity, the more likely it is that I will drown from neglect, disrespect, shunning, or worse."

In comments to that story I wrote, "I am frightened that lessons learned from a generation ago are being forgotten. Given the choice to go back to the years of Nazi Germany or to progress in the opposite direction as we propose do, where do people stand? There is a choice that will be made by everyone of us and a decision not to choose is still a choice"... and "I feel a personal passion to speak out. I know that by not doing so I condone what might happen, just as the German people discovered as their opportunities to halt a steady progression into a horrifying abyss disappeared before their eyes, simply by being too slow to react. I couldn't live with myself if I said nothing and watched the world suffer a horrifying fate made only possible by not learning the recent lessons of history."

In Minnesota, the days are short in winter and it is a time for self-reflection and re-examination... except for Christmas. This Christmas I was looking forward to not being alone, like Christmas's past while Annie celebrated with my former family. This year, I was guardedly optimistic that Annie's new-found relationships from her former family (more than ten years separated) might also mean some degree of social acceptance of me. I was careful not to be too hopeful because I was already reeling from so much bad news from friends and the long illness and death of Annie's brother-in-law... but I wasn't guarded enough and I was terribly hurt to be let down when rejected... again.

The fear and anxiety I spoke of in my story took on new meaning. Annie worried about me and I was losing weight that I could ill afford to lose. If I were to come down with the same illness that keeps so many of my co-workers at home these days, I would have nothing in reserve energy to fight with, and stress and sleeplessness take their toll on my body.

Two nights ago I was in bed as I told Annie about starting to feel afraid to go anywhere alone and the persistent thoughts of dying or killing myself that keep me awake, even though I rationalize that suicide is illogical. I told her that for all of the people who ascribe to right-wing politics and who draw a target on the backs of people that they feel superior to, that there seem to be few others who are alarmed by their intolerance. I also told her about my thoughts as I walked alone during a break at work that I just wanted to close my eyes, be held, and be told that I am okay and that I deserve to live.

Annie looked alarmed as she sat on my bed and wiped my tears from my eyes and ears. She was glad that I would talk with her about this and she described me as becoming paranoid. She made me promise to talk to a doctor about my feelings too. I reluctantly agreed. She needs to know that I am not in danger, but I cannot afford to be away from my job for an extended period of time.

I thought about paranoia. Was I becoming paranoid?

Paranoia – n.

(1) a form of schizophrenia characterized by a slowly progressive deterioration of the personality involving delusions and often hallucinations

(2) a mental disorder characterized by any of several types of delusions, in which the personality otherwise remains relatively intact

(3) informal intense fear or suspicion, esp. when unfounded

If one were to try to make someone feel paranoid, perhaps to take away her children, siblings, family, and friends, try to pry away her partner and only remaining human contact, then give her hope that there may be a chance for a few remaining souls to be accepting within a new family, only to take that away too just might do the job. I don't think that a doctor will find me to be suffering from paranoia though. Sometimes our environments change and become hostile and give us reason to feel fear... that fear is therefore reasonable. The trick then is to manage fear by counting our blessings... I guess.

In another comment I wrote, "...and inexcusable behavior is highlighted whenever perpetrated on innocents. Another friend was recently deceived and hurt emotionally and physically. There are beasts who lurk in the shadows and who look like they could be our neighbors or our friends. If we live long enough, we may all be susceptible to an attack of some kind. Thank goodness for the circle of friends who keep us from suffering alone and who help us to remember that there are wonderful people among us too...like you." That sums it up; fear of beasts that are likely to someday attack us is muted by remembering the blessings of wonderful people and friends.

I have been gone from here during this dark season and period in my life, but I did notice on Tuesday of this week how the sun was staying up later than usual. It was still light out at almost 5 o'clock p.m. Spring is just around the corner and I feel better about the world with that thought to hang on to, but the best feeling is when I look into my 'in-box' to discover emails from SN, letting me know that I have brothers and sisters who care about me and who share their lives with me.

Sometimes they need me to be strong, and it is never difficult for me feel strong when I am needed. I don't know where the energy comes from, but I can react in a heartbeat to support others even while at the same time, I may feel like I am hanging onto the inner ring of an active volcano by my fingertips.

In the end, only Annie will be in lonely attendance to witness the story of me, but I take comfort that some of you reading this will remember how much I care about and love my friends here, and I hope that you will always know that you have me in your corner whenever life lashes out and fear strikes in the heart of you too.

I just want to change my world, is that so much to ask for?

Love always..."

On January 17th, 2012, I had the good fortune to have a broken tooth repaired. It was memorable for how wonderfully I was treated by everyone at the dentist's office. I wrote to my friend in the UK about it. When life generally seems sour, it takes so little to shed some light.

"Dear Ruth,

I am so happy to be able to write to you tonight, I just hope that you can understand what I say because my mouth and tongue are still under the influence of Novocain.

My dentist had moved her practice to a new place still in town here, and I was so happy to have found her. The receptionist thought I looked familiar to her and after we talked for a while, I think I may have a new friend. We know where each other lives, she told me that she lives alone with her niece, and we know people from the town where I went to high school (home to the movies, "Grumpy and Grumpier Old Men"). I told Annie that I just might invite her and her niece over for a Valentines party...we'll see...but you and your children are certainly invited!

My dentist was so happy that I had found her and we talked for a while about her family. She made me feel so comfortable that I told her I am anxious to be able to recommend her to others, which really made her day!

I told her about Annie being off of work and that we have no dental insurance, but that another dentist recommended a root canal. She took an x-ray and agreed, but said she would check for sure and try to keep costs down. She decided to go with a deep filling instead and it cost less than $350, about a third of what I otherwise would have expected. We'll see if this works. I need to be gentle with it, but if Annie is able to get working again and if we can get insurance, this is a fix that can get us through a tough time for now. I am so very happy. I mentioned to my dentist that I never had such a wonderful experience with any other dentist and felt so happy to have come to her. What a beautiful day!...

You are right; I have always loved children, even from when I was just old enough to babysit for my cousins. When my children were small, I had my own business and kept an office downtown and in my house just to be available to them and their friends as often as I could be. Our house was the neighborhood magnet for children and some would often stay for supper or go traveling with us.

I still dream the impossible dream of becoming a mother; my hormones are out of step with my age and I feel as though I was 'cheated out' of being a parent by losing my children...I suppose.

Annie just came into my room. She wants me to say, "Hi" to you from her. I hope that you don't mind that Annie sort of knows you through me. She is a wonderful person and I know that you would like her too.

Thank you for helping me to put some sunshine at the end of my wonderful day Ruth. I love sharing with you.

Natalae"

The little bit of sunshine was obviously helpful. On the following day, January 18th, 2011 someone needed my encouragement. I wrote to her,

"I am real. I don't believe as much as I try to reason, but I believe in you and I believe that all of my friends are a part of me... I just can't reason why and that's okay. The most important reality are things intangible...perhaps that is why they last forever or leave a lasting impression after only a nanosecond of existence...like a thought.

We have never met, but you will never be alone as long as I live... or longer. I am looking forward to a better 2012 than was 2011 and I am optimistic for you too. Let's all share the in joy and the pain and we'll be alright... we don't have to believe that, we just have to keep saying it."

On the following day, January 19th, 2012 I wrote a comment to my friend in the UK about regret,

"Wisdom may begin with the lesson that our life is as it is because it just is, and that is the way it is supposed to be; we own it. There is no do-over; therefore there is no point in wishing that we had done anything differently, because there are no branches on our tree, no alternative choices when we would know that there would have been a predictable outcome.

However we visualize cause and effect with life's decisions, life itself is an unknown factor. John Lennon said it best when he said something like, 'Life is what happens while you're busy making plans'. Each of us is perfectly imperfect in a dynamic world where we inherit the sins of our parents beliefs, are victims of circumstances, and responsible for the decisions we make...good, bad, thoughtful, careless, spontaneous, or thoughtless... periods each of us visit from time to time.

You are right to feel grateful for the lessons that we learn in our own lives, and for the lessons we can learn from others as well. Also be grateful that no matter how great our mistakes are and how disappointed that we can feel about our life circumstances, others are able to cope with even greater burdens. Thank goodness we all have each other to share our burdens and our triumphs with, and to even out the terrain!"

Ruth wrote back to me and I wrote a response back to her on January 20th, 2012 which was optimistic in tone, although I was struggling too,

"Dear Sister and Friend,

No need to apologize for bringing Abby and Adam into our conversation. I think of them every day, it is just difficult for me to explain our relationship without bringing everyone's mood down. When someone asks, it would be easier to simply say that I don't have any children, but I cannot lie or pretend that they don't exist, even though my children deny me as their parent. On Facebook, they list their mother's husband as their father.

The truth is that we were so very close until a few years ago, and their childhood was rich with happy memories. For the loss that I feel, I worry about how each of them will eventually internalize what they have done to 'us'. I cannot imagine any reason for disowning someone, and I certainly could not be part of a large family who collectively expels one of its own for any non-violent reason.

I cannot forgive, so I try to feel indifferent. I am feeling so much better lately; in fact I would say that I feel happy now, generally. But you remember only weeks ago when I struggled with dashed hopes of becoming a part of Annie's family.

My skin may be thin and old wounds may never heal completely, but I am optimistic that I will prevail and be stronger than ever this year. I just feel like this is the year for breaking barriers.

Part of why I feel this way is because of you, Ruth. Sometimes I sense that you need someone to care about you or that you need someone to be strong for you too. When I sense that, I instantly find new energy to fight for you and it helps me too. I will even bet that you and I will both say that 2012 was a very good year for each of us.

I do own my life, and I love myself. I have no regrets either, like in your story. I have to tell you that last night, after writing my comment quoting John Lennon that I met him in my dream. It was so vivid! As I mentioned to Annie, I met him before his performance as we were standing together in a small room, when I told him that I have admired him for most of my life. He answered in his English accent, "Well, you know that is one-sided..." meaning that he had no means of judging my character. I answered, "Of course." We were comfortable strangers and we could be friends.

Later, in the theater (which I can recall in detail) he was late. It was then I awoke as I realized he would never show up to perform.

I told Annie that John Lennon was one of the most beautiful souls that this world had ever produced. I cannot know him so well as to know that, but that is how I feel about him through so much of what he has written and what his life has stood for while I was growing up. I am blessed that I am surrounded by such other beautiful souls as you and Annie too.

Thank you for writing back. You are such a wonderful person, Ruth.

Be safe.

Love,  
Natalae"

The dream about John Lennon was to stay in my mind and I would think of him again... soon.

I was still feeling vulnerable to rejection and decided to remove some in the list of friends of mine who befriended hundreds of people (I kept around twelve) or who had my former friend Colleen as a mutual friend. She was my friend but had rejected my friendship in late September, 2011. I thought that my other friends who I released from 'my circle' would not notice. One of them did notice and she sent me a short note just to say hello. I was cautiously optimistic that she still wanted to be my friend when I wrote back to her on January 28, 2012,

"I remember it (the song she mentioned) well, even before it had become the anthem to the 'cola' generation.

It's a beautiful song, if a bit cheesy, but how can anyone listen to it and not smile?

I'm smiling. Thanks Dolly!

I would like for you to know something; I am not a speed typist and I am not always self-assured (read; often feels insecure). For those two reasons, I chose to keep the number of friends I have to just a few and to those who didn't have hundreds of other friends. It hurt me to trim the number of friends that I have to the small number that I keep in order to stay close to them, but I was afraid that I wouldn't be noticed among so many others that you and many others have.

I felt crushed when someone whom we may both have had as a friend decided that after being friends for over a year, she was embarrassed that I might draw attention to her for befriending someone 'like me' by her other friends when I would comment on her stories. She has even eliminated all of her comments to my stories. I loved her as I do all of my friends, and for as much as one might think I should be used to being rejected, I haven't mastered that art. I am still talking about it months after she told me that she couldn't be my friend.

I have always thought very highly of you, Dolly and I really am touched by having been remembered by you. I made a mistake to think that you wouldn't miss me at all and I apologize.

I don't expect, but I hope that you will forgive me.

Your friend, if you'll have me back,  
Natalae"

She did want me back and I felt as though her acceptance was actually medicinal to me. Soon afterward, on February 5th, 2012 I wrote a story that seemed to pull inspiring events together for me to finally heal.

DON'T GET STONED... GET EQUAL!!

THIS IS MY FINAL STORY BUT NOT MY LAST (DEPENDING ON THE 'STATE' THAT YOU OR I ARE IN).

There are elements of previous stories that I have written which will help you to fully understand this story. I apologize for the inconvenience. The stories which you may find helpful to read are: "The Rhetoric of Institution; The Genesis of Reason" (equally important is the lonely comment I had written to follow up), "Another Modest Proposal", "So Change Already", and finally, "What a Wonderful World... Imagine it!" You may find other stories I have written helpful in small ways as well.

Let's begin where we had left off at my lonely comment to "The Rhetoric of Institution; The Genesis of Reason"...

"I was breathless and motionless as I watched him disappear towards the door and listened to the echoes of his footsteps."

I was standing alone in my marble sanctuary and the DA (District Attorney / Devil's Advocate?) had just left after saying some things which made me question the safety and functional utility of the sanctuary which I had built around me, as well as my life's purpose. He pointed out flaws in my construction that I hadn't realized before, two of them were (1) that there was only one door, and (2) there was no bathroom. In fact it was a single cold stone room eight stories high with a beautiful domed ceiling.

A third flaw which I came to realize was that it offered no protection; it kept me inside and could not keep others out. It therefore served as a personal prison more effectively than a sanctuary. I realized just how poorly constructed it was just one moment later.

Something heavy crashed to the ground nearby and I ran to the door as the ground shook violently and my sanctuary reverberated from the collision and began to collapse upon its self. I ran out the door and then looked behind me to see piled high, the crumbled ruins of my... prison.

I thought to myself, "No loss to me", however I escaped only with my life. I found myself standing naked in broad daylight. My clothes, shoes, jewelry... everything was stripped from me as I had passed through the doorway. Directly before me was a narrow canyon floor which led nowhere and to my left I saw the 'cosmic hand that divides' which had crashed to the ground with such force. It was what I had wished for... or was it?

The cosmic hand was huge, about thirty feet high from little finger up to the thumb. I knew that it was the hand that divides people who are honest and compassionate from selfish others who lie and cheat. A short distance behind me was a shear-faced rock wall at least one-hundred feet high.

I knew that the DA could not be far away. He must have made this dream a reality and my fate was awaiting me. Just as I had felt comforted that the hand was there for my protection, I watched as it slowly began to rise back into the sky. Behind where the hand had been was another shear rock wall only thirty-five feet high. At the top was a cliff where angry people had gathered to throw stones down at me.

They were people I had known for years as my family. They were going to kill me, but they were having a family event at the same time and there was an atmosphere of both anger and celebration among them.

There were two women, who were not related to the others who were passing out lemonade and cookies to the participants. I recognized one of them. I have never seen a photograph of the other, but I knew who she was... she used to be a close friend of mine on SN. I knew that neither would throw rocks themselves, but they might cheer with the crowd when successful blows were landed.

I knew that it was time for me to die... and I felt ready. I no longer feared death; I was tired of a fearful and lonely life. I stood alone, just as my nature knew that I could not. The only person who would stand by me was up there and who was passing out lemonade. She didn't look down at me but rather smiled in support of her adoptive family who had gathered there.

My former father, at close to 90-years-old, looked to be as strong as he had ever been. His face contorted with anger and with all of his strength, he hurled the first stone down at me, black and smooth and as big as his head. I closed my eyes in surrender and stood still until I felt it crush my left foot. I screamed in pain, but the scream that I heard continued after my breath had run dry.

Behind me and at the top of the one-hundred foot wall was my friend, Ruth. There was no way for her to help me, but she was with me just the same. There was no way for anyone to stop the stoning once it started. She was helpless. As I looked up at her, I saw others running to stand with her and to stand for me, all of my friends and family from SN.

Another crushing blow came to my back, and cheers rose from the angry mob that was so much more proximate, cruel, and relentless. I could tell as the stones continued to pound me and cover me that my body was dying, but I felt even more alive and aware as support for me grew with the number of friends who had gathered to be my witness. No longer was there any sting of pain, but the pride and joy of having the company of those who cared and who gave meaning to my life.

Even with my eyes no longer able to see or my ears able to hear, I felt the helpless rage that my friends unleashed through their yells and screams on my behalf to the enemies of tolerance – my enemies.

Stones continued to pound my body, until the two unrelated women among them climbed down to make the scene of the crime my final resting place. They piled the stones that had missed their target or had rolled off of me back over me... a final sanctuary... a final prison.

I felt no pain, but was every bit alive as I had ever been. I was with my friends and I felt only their pain as they sobbed for me and I understood the lesson that they would take home, the lesson that, even when there is no hope for change, we must still hope so that such cruelty and waste of life can never be allowed to happen again. I would be with them always, and I would be here too. Love for my friends would not be stopped by the death of my body.

I was actually quite aware and not dead at all. I saw that there were stories all around me. Every rock or grain of sand had a history to share and no story was unimportant to learn. Each little insect which visited, and took a part of my body seemed to make me even more aware of my new life, a life not guided or filtered by a mind's interpretation of time. Day and night could linger, or years could move fast forward or backward thousands of years...

"Yes", said a voice to me. "Your friend, John Lennon once said, "What you eat you are", and that is true here. We 'eat' the stories of everything and nothing is forbidden fruit. What matters here is not 'who' we are, but the spirits whom we love. As you have already been taught from a friend who inspired you to say it; 'Understanding grows from knowledge, compassion grows from understanding, and love grows from compassion'. Let me show you... take my hand."

I was so enamored by what I was sensing, that I did not wish to be interrupted, but I knew that I must respond. I could see sunlight as if it were falling like snowflakes through the spaces in the rocks that had become my home, I could hear the background echoes of the origin of creation and I could see light coming from everywhere, brilliant colors from even the smallest of objects. I felt connected to everything.

After some hesitation, I reached up and I took his hand. "I am afraid that you have me at a disadvantage, Sir. I am very pleased to meet you. I am Natalae." He responded, "Call me Grandpa, I am her Grandpa." His amorphous figure generally pointed up to where my friend Ruth screamed in her agony to see me helpless and dying. She was frozen in time, along with my other friends who were as grief stricken as she while they tried to console her.

As I stood, I saw the others, who had been hidden by the 'cosmic hand' and they were also frozen in time. Rising, I realized that I was not standing at all. Before me was an unclear image, like a ghostly plasma and we continued to rise together, slowly. I didn't see as I did with my eyes, but I saw everything around me at once and only the spirit before me was eerily out of focus and without definition.

"Focus on only me", he said. "But I cannot see you clearly... why is that so?" I asked. As I looked at him, I could see everything around me slowly swirling and mixing into a cosmic pool as he spoke, "Because you are not ready to. I can see you very clearly and I know you very well. I was summoned by the scream of my granddaughter who cried for you." "... Then I know you too, because we are connected through her." "Precisely", he said. "We are all connected and that is a lesson that new souls here eventually learn, but I know that you already knew that. That was the reason for the 'cosmic hand' which proved not to divide or protect you from loving those who would not accept you, but which instead smashed your sanctuary/prison and exposed you to the truth around you; that you cannot stop loving others even when they stop loving you or even hating you to death."

"How is it that you seem to know me so well even while we have just met?" I queried. "It was inevitable that you should ask," he said with a parental smile in his voice. "You already have had some elementary mathematics and physics in your background and you have already noticed that time was a variable that is now in your control. Before I answer your question, let me first say that there is a reason for you to be here, and let me ask you; how do you feel?" "I feel hungry. I can taste and feel everything around me and the feelings grow. I have no pain, no remorse, no regrets, no fear, and I feel boundless." Grandpa asked, "As big as the sky?"

Suddenly, I was the sky and the world was wrapped within my being. I felt so much love for the world, and then I went into her and felt her oceans, her volcanoes, her mantle, salt, deserts... "Okay, come back to me," he said, smiling. In that moment, it was if I hadn't left at all, but I was enriched by the experience to understand so much in so little time.

"Welcome Natalae, to life beyond the before-life." "Wow... so, in the moment that you heard your granddaughter scream, you looked backward in time at me to learn why she would feel as she did?" I asked. "Yes of course," he continued, "Let me explain. Reality for people in the before life is filtered by their brain, so that time seems to advance in a predictable continuum of the 'present' in order to protect them from their fear of dying, and which tethers them to the patterns which keeps their bodies healthy. If people didn't have a natural fear of death, then they would come here prematurely and not be ready to appreciate or to adapt to life, unless they are the innocent children who come here and thrive and grow as we all do here." Grandpa continued, "As you will see, time is not the issue before us, but your experience here is." In a moment we were in deep space. "I will answer your question of how I know you, but that is not the answer you need.

Natalae, you learned from your life before life here, which some things in the universe happen in ways that are counter-intuitive to your logic. Let's look at time. You remember reading that two photons leaving the same star at the same moment arrive at the same place and the same moment, even though one travels in a straight path and the other is deflected by the gravity of a star somewhere between the origin and the destination. The shortest distance, that of photon 1 is a straight line path distance (d1) = rate (speed of light (c) x time (t1), while the distance traveled by the second photon (d2) is greater because of the curved path. Therefore, d2 is greater (>) than d1. Yet given that the speed of light ( c) is constant everywhere in the universe and the time traveled for each photon is the same, how can d2>d1 and t1=t2?

Before you try to answer that question, there are two more questions to pose, and then the answer will become clear. As you know, there are different universal physical laws; 'quantum mechanics' for small particles and 'classical' or 'Newtonian' physics for larger objects. Quantum entanglement is a state of being that two or more particles can have where each is influenced by the stimuli of one. Entanglement is not dependent on distance, so two entangled particles can be on the leading edge of two sides of the universe and both react in the same moment that one receives stimuli. Yet in classical physics, we know that nothing can travel faster than the speed of light. It would take an observer on earth eight minutes to realize when the light of the sun had run out. How can it be that anything so distant as our quantum entangled particles could react in unison?

The third question is two questions put together. You remember the (Erwin) Schrödinger equation used to predict the probability of finding an electron in a particular place about an atom. You also remember that if you can find an electron there, that you cannot tell the direction of its spin, or that if you know the direction of its spin that you cannot locate the electron. Both cases are mutually exclusive to an observer because measuring destroys the superposition of the electron which is both there and not there at all. It is neither there and spinning in a certain direction and it is there at the same time – a paradox.

The second part of this question was posed by Schrödinger himself to help clarify confusion. Here, I copied this from the internet (Dictionary.com) to save my breath for your reminder." He handed me a paper which read, "Schrödinger's cat is a thought experiment proposed by the physicist and philosopher Erwin Schrödinger. It shows how quantum-mechanical indeterminacy at a microscopic level can cause indeterminacy at a macroscopic level. The indeterminacy can be resolved by observation but entails a paradox.

Schrödinger would have us imagine a cat inside a closed box with a tiny bit of a radioactive substance and an apparatus consisting of a Geiger counter, hammer, and flask of cyanide. Over the course of an hour, there is a chance that the radioactive substance might emit an alpha particle, and an equal chance that it might not. If an alpha particle is emitted and hits the Geiger counter, a relay is set in motion whereby the hammer shatters the flask, releasing the gas and killing the cat. Thus, after an hour, there is equal probability of the cat being alive or dead, and an observer can open the box and see which state the cat is in.

But until the observation is made, the two possible states, which are mutually exclusive, coexist. In quantum-mechanical terms they are in a condition of superposition. The act of observation changes that, and one state becomes established to the exclusion of the other. In other words, without being observed, the cat does not exist in a particular state at all. It is neither alive nor dead, or it is both alive and dead, depending on how you want to look at it.

This thought experiment provides an extreme case of the condition in which small-scale objects always exist. Under the laws of quantum mechanics, electrons, photons, and all other particles are each in a number of superimposed states that interact with each other, forming interference patterns, and giving rise to an overall behavior that often seems wavelike. But a measurement made to determine the state that the particle is in, destroys the interference patterns and gives rise to different behavior that seems more like that of tiny particles; hence the phenomenon of wave-particle duality."

I said, "I think I get it." Grandpa responded, "Alright, be the photon on the deflected path and I will be the photon on the straight path and tell me how you arrived here in the same moment as me." I replied, "The path I took was curved to begin with and was morphed into a straight line by the gravity of the star near my path, or the path I followed was straight and your path was curved at the same time that your path was straight and mine was curved, or the star between origin and destination was not there at all until we arrived and then it subsequently deflected my path.

All of these were states of being because there is more than one observer here. As a photon, I am an observer as was Schrödinger's cat. Conditions affecting the cat will determine for the cat whether the box will open again or if time will continue in a predictable way, which affects when an alpha particle may or may not influence a Geiger counter... and exactly how long is an hour for a cat?

Similarly, the fact that our minds, warped by the drip-drip experience of time cannot grasp how space-time, the fabric of the universe, can be defined by space or time when conditions may exist to make either irrelevant, time irrelevant for the photon #2 and distance irrelevant for the quantum entangled particles that you mentioned."

"Good! Then you understand how I know you as well as I do... I simply took the time that I needed." said Grandpa. He continued, "Now you are ready to learn why you are here by observing trees, and our sun, the moon, and the earth.

There is one more important fact to understand and appreciate about life here that is consistent with life before life. It is about entropy, which you remember is randomness in a system. It universally increases over time and is the reason for decay of matter, both structural and at the atomic scale. I want you to understand what does endure. Look just below us. What do you see in orbit about the earth?" "That is your granddaughter and me having 'perfect tea' at the 'perfect table'!" I gasped. Only days ago I had written to her and described the setting. Grandpa spoke, "Thoughts are as real as the physical universal laws and nothing is barred from experimenting with new laws in new universes. All secrets reveal themselves as stories to listen to and imagination is the bone structure of everything new and everlasting. Thoughts and imagination are perfect; it is in physical creations where defects form.

Now you are ready to continue your lesson. There are trees along the bluffs of the upper Mississippi River that you remember well. Let's see what they say".

Before us were the rolling hills carved by the glaciers and eskers from the ice age ten thousand years ago, and perhaps by other glaciers in previous ice ages.

I was very familiar with these hills. They are covered with a variety of trees and the exposed rocky areas and caves near the top show the thinner soils there. Some trees grow right into the rocks and look weak and weathered, while trees closer to the bottom are full of life.

Grandpa said, "Be that old tree on the thin soil there on the top, the one that has dying branches and then talk to me." I was instantly transformed and I became the tree. I responded, "I am at the apex of the trees, I am of a few like me who occupy the pinnacle of achievement. I am stronger than the four winds can be, I will survive the most brutally cold winters, I am anchored to the most solid earth, I will withstand the harshest rains and snow, which continually wash nutrients from my roots, but I will not falter...I will fight to live with my last breath.

Some trees below me hold onto me with the tenuous grip of their roots to keep from falling and they depend on me. I watch the sun every day go from horizon to horizon and I watch the heavens above at night. If there should be a leader to make decisions for all trees to abide by, then it should me and the other trees I spy on similar hilltops."

"Very good, you are a willing student..." said Grandpa. "Now choose to become any tree somewhere near the middle of the hillside and tell me how you feel". In a moment I said, "I am so grateful to the trees above me, especially to those who take the brunt of the weather and survive with poor soils at the top. I feel so sorry for them, never having a break from the elements. I am grateful for their tenacity to life. I feel certain that I could not survive under the same circumstances.

I am happy to be protected from the wind behind me by the hillside and by the trees above me. It comforts me to know that they are there to fall back on while the wind blows into me too. I am so fortunate to be here, of all places along the hillside, because I can hear the birds below and around me as well as the echoes of the bullfrogs in the pond way over there in the distance.

My roots are securely anchored with my friends and neighbors and together, we form a dish with which we hear the sounds of the river by day and of the cosmos late at night. The sounds we hear are heard by us all, except for those poor souls at the very top whose grasp to the rest of us is so slight... so weak..."

Grandpa seemed to be growing impatient and he interrupted me, "Now there, in the foothills near the farmer's cropland...Choose a tree and become her." I replied, "I feel young and so blessed. Each drop of rain erodes so much more of the nutrients from my family above, and each year those nutrients and their leaves combine around me to keep my soils deep. My roots run deep too. I am so deeply connected to Mother Earth that neither of us knows where she leaves off and where I begin.

I am as connected to all in my family. Even the deer who wander near, their hooves pressing deeply into the soil make themselves known to me and I feel connected to them as well. The little animals who call me and those around me 'home' make me feel like I am their mother, and I love them too. We are all connected; one under the grace of the sun who gives herself to us all."

Grandpa connected the dots for me.

He said, "People are like trees. Each person has a perspective, which may be unique or shared with others, depending on the nature and nurture of their environment during formative years and upon their willingness to cling to the skepticism of an open, curious, receptive, and reasoning mind rather than succumb to a belief system in their adult years. The old tree at the top is much more aware of the concept of 'me' and 'I' than the trees in the middle and the most grateful trees are those at the bottom of the slope who feel most connected to others and to the planet. It is the concept of 'I' and subjective measure of importance that erodes equality. The tree at the top feels that it has an inherent right to rule over other trees. You understand that it is the people who feel superior to others who keep inequality among people alive and it is inequality among people which promotes suffering and stifles social evolution.

Trees cannot adapt through reason, but people must or they will perish. To finish your thought that we talked about earlier, peace grows from love, the root of us all, and goodwill towards others grows from peace.

Events are conspiring which will paralyze human adaptation if collective reasoning is not made to become more efficient. It cannot become more efficient until equality for everyone is achieved. You don't have a choice to make; you could stay and enjoy the comforts here or you could work on your 'mission statement' in life before life. I already know what state you have chosen, and I am grateful for your sacrifice."

Another voice interrupted Grandpa, "... But you will be back." I knew that voice... it was John Lennon. I started to say, "I just had a dream about... "But he interrupted again and said, "I remember, we met alone before I was to perform."

Grandpa spoke, "We are in good company on the final part of your journey back to the 'before' time", a courtesy to John. The three of us rose slowly back into space together, and I got a split-second clear view of John's face and I mentioned it. "It is a sign that you need to return soon", said Grandpa, and then he continued, "You might gather that we feel even more connected to each other and to everything in the universe; even more so than the young tree at the shallow slope of the hill."

Stopping, with the earth down and to our right, the sun out and to the center and the silhouette of the moon to the left and in front of us, Grandpa spoke again,

"The earth loves her baby daughter the moon, and the moon always faces her loving mother. Baby is in orbit about her mother even as the earth loves her mother, the sun. The sun stands alone except for the other stars so very far away. She gives freely and as much of herself as she can, so that everything and everyone can receive her graceful light and the energy of her selfless love; so much so that she doesn't even realize that she is loved in return..." John interrupted, "Natalae understands." Grandpa continued anyway, "People in the before life have perspective like trees do, with some measure of status, position, possession that includes the delusion that 'self' is of importance. Self is spirit.

Everything one thinks that they own is only borrowed. They are the steward of decaying artifacts until they arrive here. In the before life, when one feels grateful for what they have as they watch the suffering of others, they need to also understand that they and others are inseparable in value from the perspective of the sun; who sacrifices herself to the benefit of everyone. The sun is not the creator of our universe, but she is our hero.

What we owe the sun then, in both the before life and here in life, for the sacrifices that she makes of herself for all of us, and in her honor, we each are obliged to become heroes to each other. In so doing, equality for humanity will be an argument no longer disputed.

What we have in common, there and here, are two things; the gift of a loving sun and the constant hope that people in the before life learn to accept each other as equal in order to stop so much needless suffering.

John and many others are admired and honored here for their contributions to those left in the before life." John spoke, "You told me in your dream that you have admired me for most of your life. I responded to you that your feelings were 'one-sided..." meaning that I had no means of judging your character. Since then I have paid close attention to you and I know you much better than you know me. That is why I am here. We will meet again, Natalae."

John took his leave of us and Grandpa continued as if he hadn't even noticed that John had been there, "If you ever wonder, we are not without entertainment; music and the arts, philosophy... but mostly love awaits you here. Take time to learn from the circumstances of your death, but go back now and leave your mark if you can. Tell my granddaughter..." It was my turn to interrupt, "I know... and I already have."

The two of us descended together to where his granddaughter, my friend, Ruth remained frozen in time while still grieving my violent transition. Grandpa leaned in to kiss her forehead and I briefly saw only his lips come into focus, and then he disappeared with no farewell. It was then that I realized that in life, there is no farewell; 'We will meet again' is assumed.

Alone now, and with time still frozen for others, I looked over at all of the faces of my distraught friends and I wanted them to know that there was no need to worry or to grieve, but their visible expressions made me love their priceless spirits even more.

Only one friend, Dolly, showed no tears. She understood that there is continuity from mortality and before life to here and eternity. She did not scream, but she embraced and appreciated the time and the circumstances for clarity. Her eyes were wide open, no tears, but contemplation and wonder. She is a 'child of the universe', but certainly wise far beyond the years of childhood or adolescence.

I looked down to a friend that Dolly and I once shared on the floor of the canyon who was with Annie, both still frozen in time as they gathered the stones which had missed their mark.

Across the narrow canyon and below were the others who hurled the stones. My father had made a rock-slide out of scrap crane parts for support and a slide from the spout of a cement truck to deliver pre-heated rocks to their target – me. He was telling his brother Floyd that the truck and trailer had gotten stuck in the road on the way out of Wabasha from the weight. What a shame to have spent so much time and money in preparation for this highly anticipated event, only for it to be wasted in the end.

He had built a specialized furnace with a conveyor to heat the rocks before delivery to their target in order to maximize my suffering; he wanted me to cook as I died. He recalled that at least the specially shaped dark rocks had made it to their destination. They were purchased according to weight and uniformity to be consistent projectiles from the contraption that he had built. My former sister's family painted 'hate' messages on the rocks after they were dipped in formaldehyde, benzene, or kerosene, chemicals and incendiary courtesy of my former older brother, Dan.

My attention returned to Annie and my former friend Colleen. Annie met her only today and they had been passing out cookies that Colleen brought and lemonade, which Annie had brought. Colleen was there because she heard the event would take place and she wanted to experience it. She harbored no ill will towards me, but has an insatiable curiosity and could not resist the temptation to experience my last moments tethered to our earth. She had become indifferent to the life or death of me, having decided that I was not an equal person to her because of the circumstances of my birth and their consequences to my life before life.

Annie was there for reasons that even she did not understand. Even though she loved me, she could not stand up for me. She would cry later when no one could see her. Earlier when she first arrived, she noticed a particularly jagged rock near the edge of the cliff and stood there with her lemonade trying to hide it from the view of others. When my other former brother, Roger had noticed it, she stepped aside so that he could pick it up and hurl it at me. She pretended to him that she hadn't noticed the rock at all. In the end, she did what she could to protect me.

That is what is important, and that is my lesson; they all did what they could do.

Like trees, people are unable to evolve unless the argument for equality is properly conveyed and understood by everyone who can learn by it. Everyone has limitations and there is no cosmic hand that divides; there is only the hope that the message of equality will be said in such a way as to make others aspire to the same ideal. Only after that happens will we evolve further and be able to overcome obstacles which will otherwise cause the doom of some, or most..., or of us all.

I looked towards the rubble of my sanctuary and prison, then back to the scene of my death. My final resting place and my friends had vanished. I looked back toward the ruins of my sanctuary/prison and in the next moment, found it to be intact.

That was my signal; it was time to go back.

I opened and entered through the door. To my surprise, there sat the DA dressed in workman's clothes and drinking a bottle of beer. Although it may have been an intentional disguise, there was no questioning who was before me. He spoke in his unforgettable voice, "I hope you don't mind that I started your homecoming party without you." Thank goodness, the clothes and jewelry which had been stripped from me were back on me!

He continued, "I just finished installing the back door. It's majestic!...Twelve feet tall and the perimeter is beautifully decorative crystal beveled glass. I think it suits the opulence of this space perfectly, don't you?" He actually looked cute as he asked the question. His hair was a mess, he had an eighteen hour beard and he had worked himself into a sweat for what he had done... or was that just for show?

"Oh my, it is beautiful! Thank you for your hard work... and of course I don't mind that you got an early start." I said. "You deserve a cold one for all that you have done. You can even light a cigarette in here if you choose to." "Thanks, but no thank you." He replied. "I quit smoking." I responded, "Congratulations! I am impressed, not that I wasn't impressed with you when we first met."

The DA got up from his small wooden chair and he said, "Come over here and check out the door. It weighs sixteen-hundred pounds, but it swings with the gentlest push. It is perfectly level, but you need to be careful not to shut it too hard because it could insult the integrity of your sanctuary." I said, "Thank you for the warning. Let's step outside to see how it looks from there."

I opened the door wide and the DA stepped through the door ahead of me, and then I pulled the door closed with all of my strength. The entire structure shuddered for a moment from slamming that great door and then the entire structure fell to ruins. I smiled and said, "If I didn't like you, I would have left you inside when I slammed that big door." The DA laughed and said, "I appreciate your sentiment, but first, I knew that you were going to slam the door and second, I know better my friend; you wouldn't hurt anyone; including me." I responded with an acknowledging smile. The DA turned away, and then turned back to me and he said, "I hope that you also don't mind that I took the liberty of inviting your friends to a welcome home picnic. Welcome home, Natalae!"

With that the DA walked over to the garden tractor that was parked at the edge of the driveway and he waved his hand in a farewell to me. He started it up, and then he looked back at me with a respectful smile which told me that he will see me again, and then he slowly ambled away.

One moment later a cute little Slurpee sipper arrived in her Corvette (my friend Janis). As she got out of her car and approached me, I could hear other cars in the distance making their way in. As she waved to me, I chuckled to myself, "Life is good, but so can be the before life. I ran to her and gave her a great hug, just as I had so often visualized her greeting me in a shopping mall. Now, it's time to picnic!

I wondered if Annie and Colleen would make it there. I hoped that they could. One's life isn't measured by how much or how many people love us, it is how much and how many others we can love... like the sun.

Don't belittle, be Equal.

The greatest among us are equal to each of us."

On February 8th, 2012, my friend from the UK wrote a letter to me about my last story and I replied,

"Dear Ruth,

I am really amazed that some of the elements in my story helped me to become stronger after I had been struggling. Colleen is a character in the story who had been a close friend of mine for over a year, but she suddenly let me know that she was embarrassed to be known to have me for a friend because I was born a 'girl, in a boy's body'...

The even more difficult thing for me to adapt to and accept was that Annie would not support me, even as she would support or come to the aid of anyone else that she knows. She really doesn't know why she feels that way, even though she really cares about me and loves me as a person. I had to come to grips, that in a helpless situation she wouldn't be there for me as I know that you would be (at least in spirit). I certainly would be there for you and for Annie. Could I stay in a relationship that was so one-sided?

The answer is 'yes I can'. Annie is not perfect and neither is Colleen, but I cannot and should not stop loving them even though, like my former family; they cannot or will not feel the same as me. So, I will be happy just to be me and love as does the sun..."

In response to comments from the same story, I responded to Ruth and Dolly,

"... You may both see elements of yourself in me as I wrote this. This story is very personal for the way it helps me to accept some things that I could not before. I feel much stronger having the opportunity to slam that door and free myself from the prison that I once felt would be a permanent fixture in my life. You both played a role inspiring me to turn a corner...and wow, before life might be great, but life is awesome..."

In response to others comments to the same story, I wrote,

"Ruth, we have talked about looking forward to this year even before it started. I was optimistic and then depressed about recent events, some of them alluded to in my story. I was on very shaky ground and I needed to understand how to move forward. It is truly amazing to me how events in my life and the inspiration I got from you and others conspired to take me where I needed to be – where I am now. I feel like a changed person. Dolly was also important in helping me to regain self-esteem. She reached back and helped me to realize that I am not as disposable as some people have made me feel.

Some of you have commented that others will take things away from reading this, and I hope that they do...I really hope that they do.

Janis, I really understand the feeling that you described, '...dying because those around me didn't accept me and made sure I felt the brunt of their hatred'. Those are words I could have chosen to describe how I felt just recently, and that your grandfather helped you to "realize I had purpose in this world and that I should LOVE OUT LOUD no matter how I was treated or who tried to make me feel worthless" is such an important message that I have just come to learn.

Tied within that message is that no one is above our equal, no one is of greater value, and no one has authority to make anyone feel less than the wonderful person that each of us is, in spite of, and because of our differences. I am always proud to share the vision of us walking, elbows locked, and heads held high through slings and arrows or through fields of gold...

Siobhan, I understand more now, how liberated you must have felt to have written your painful story [of physical and emotional abuse by her former fiancé]. I am so glad to have slammed the door to my sanctuary/prison forever, and writing about it helps to give closure to wounds and disturbing memories and provides a threshold and a promise to a much brighter future. I can still be a victim of violence someday, but I would rather take the risk and feel strong in public than to feel safe in prison.

Actually, I really don't feel like I am in as hostile an environment as I had been just before writing this story. Having already experienced the worst humiliation and torture that anyone could dish out, and have gotten stronger for it, then what have I to fear?..."

The difference between how I felt before and after the story I last wrote was great. The lessons which became clear to me would make me forever stronger than I was.

On February 11th, 2012 I commented on another's story which reminded me that forgiveness of one's self over the pain inflicted to others is not only all right, but natural and logical.

"When I was young, (six or so), my maternal grandfather stepped away from the side-door of his house to the driveway where I was playing. He was angry and he proceeded to blame me for something that I had not done, and then went back inside and closed the door before I had a chance to respond.

I lashed out from my injured pride and I silently wished that he would die. In fact, he died a week later. Of course, I knew that it was my wish that had killed him; which also made my beloved grandma and aunt and my own mother so miserable in their grief.

We all understand the shortcomings in others, that we all have made some thoughtless decisions, made an insensitive remark, or have done something that, knowingly or not, hurt someone around us. Therein lays reason for our own forgiveness. I know now that events in our lives happen in concert to the events in others' lives and that we are all subject to the human imperfections within us and to the lessons that they teach us..."

My friend Dolly wrote a letter where she noticed a change in me after I had written my last story. I wrote back to her on February 15th, 2012,

"...Thank you so much for your kindness, but especially for your ability to actually perceive the transformation that I have made to become so much stronger. I am so grateful that I have lived as long as I have so as not miss out on such an important time for me, spiritually. Many thanks to you and to others and to the life events which conspired to help me understand and adapt to my environment, my purpose, and my ability to love like the sun; regardless of whether others love me in return, just to love as much as I can.

It is truly empowering and so much of the fear I had is diminished to near zero...The road will be bumpy again, struggle and change are necessary, but I have had an unforgettable period of enlightenment and it just could not have happened without the hand of a 'Child of the Universe' – your hand."

The next day on February 16th, 2012 I had written the following story about a day which revealed how recent spiritual changes had translated into my daily life.

ABSOLUTELY

Deep and serious; emotionally, at least, that is where I have hailed from lately. I have made personal triumphs that were enormous to me and the difference they made in me could even be seen by others. I found new ties to old friends and even found some new friends in the process.

Last night as I lay in bed thinking about each of my friends here, what it means to me to have them in my life, and how much I care about them, I found myself still awake and unable to shut my little mind off. So I got up, fired up the computer and composed a short note to all of my friends around 4:30 o'clock a.m., too groggy to even remember to sign my note to them.

It was refreshing to me to be unable to sleep; not because of insecurity or fear, but because of deep appreciation, love and humble gratitude for life and the things in life which I cherish the very most...my friends and family here.

Too little sleep is usually a setup for me to be silly on the awakening day, and I had some of that, but even that was subdued by what would be a demonstration of new found inner power.

This is the rest of my day today, let's watch:

I awoke with the knowledge that I had a doctor's appointment ninety minutes away from where I live, but didn't know the appointed time. I was unable to secure the appointment's original date when request for the time off of work for that day was denied. I rescheduled for today, and had forgotten what I did with my scheduled appointment time... unheard of! I reprimanded myself over and over. I am usually so good about keeping track of these things... what went wrong?

I set my alarm for the day at 7:30 o'clock a.m. and thought I would begin to get ready and then call when my doctors' office opened at 8:00 o'clock a.m. to confirm my appointment time. It turned out that Annie had a recording on her telephone confirming the appointment time, but she ignored it, secure in the thought that I had it all 'under control'.

As I was getting ready for the day and still groggy from too little sleep, I remembered where it was that I jotted the time for the appointment. I recalled that my printer had failed and I had given the signed form for my request of time off from work to Annie so that she could scan it and email it to me. There it was, still on her printer with the time circled 2:30 o'clock p.m. Relieved, I knew that I could sleep some more before I had to leave by 12:30 o'clock p.m. and still be ready for unforeseen circumstances.

When I called the doctor's office I got a recording that the office wouldn't open until 9:00 o'clock a.m. I continued to get ready and did some chores, then called again to confirm the appointed time. A woman tiredly answered without even acknowledging her place of business. I asked her if this was the office of my doctor, and she answered in the affirmative. I told her my name and asked her to confirm my appointment. After being asked and then giving her my date of birth, she said that there was an appointment under a different first, but same last name and that it indeed is scheduled for 2:30 o'clock p.m. today. Then she added, "If you ever call here again to confirm your appointment, make sure to give your legal name" and then she hung up.

She has a 'baaad attitude', I thought with a smile, but I was relieved that I could take advantage of a much-needed nap before I had to leave on a 'long' journey (my usual commute to work is less than five minutes).

I was fussing with little details and was finally ready to wish my partner, Annie a good afternoon before leaving. I had a full tank of fuel in the car, brought some cash along 'just in case' and started on my little road trip.

Two minutes away, and still before I had even passed where I work, I realized that I had forgotten to spritz on some perfume. "Oh well", I thought, "Too late for that... I don't have time to turn around." I smiled as I thought again, "Feeling nervous is simply out of the question for today!" I looked into the rear view mirror of my little car, and thought that the smiling face looking back at me would keep me feeling confident. I would not be disappointed.

The sky was sunny and the temperature a very mild upper thirty degrees (F). I was on the highway, and facing a pretty stiff headwind, but I would be on time and eager to greet my doctor. I had not seen him for over a year... almost two years perhaps.

It was 2:05 o'clock p.m. when I arrived and produced my name and my insurance card. The receptionist found my appointment, charged a twenty-five dollar co-pay (patient up-front payment), then directed me have a seat in the waiting room. There was one other woman in her late twenties-early thirties with her three-year-old daughter. The woman looked at me and smiled and then cautioned her little one not to stray. Her adorable child was within six feet of her and behaving just fine. I was sure that the woman wanted to show me what a responsible parent she was. I just smiled inside and thought that she, as a young mother, was every bit as adorable as her little girl was.

I picked up a magazine and read an interesting article that made me giggle just to myself. Just then the receptionist called me back to the desk and asked for my insurance card again so that they might copy it. When she gave it back, she asked for my receipt so that they could refund some money, I only owed ten dollars, as it turned out. "Wow", I thought, "I give them plastic and they give me cash. Cool!" I really don't care too much about money. I always bring the paycheck unopened to my partner, Annie and she takes care of the finances. Once in a while, I will ask how we're doing and she tells me that 'we're okay' and that's all I care to hear. Any little bit of change that I get to carry around in my purse makes me feel like a real grown-up (but I know better).

After I sat back down, I noticed a very tall man who came in and was careful not to move quickly because his arms and legs would go everywhere, I thought. He, in his forty's, thin and was dressed in a suit. His huge and heavy looking shoes were black and looked as though they could be used for bumpers for a large boat parked at a dock.

Time ticked on and I continued to read, comfortably tucked into my chair. The man was called away after the mother and the little girl were called. I was alone and had hardly noticed.

Another very tall man came in with a suit on and sneakers. He was around 60-years-old and had a bushy mustache and a hat on. He looked at the magazines on the table between us, then sat down directly opposite me, folded his arms across his chest and closed his eyes. Boring!

Finally I heard my name and a familiar woman greeted me. The two of us were chit-chatting, as we walked down the hallway, and then she opened the door to the examination room, and we went inside. I found a place for my jacket and she asked me to roll up my sleeve to take my blood pressure. "110/70" she said. "Gee, that's pretty good, huh?" I pretended not to know so that she could feel compelled to follow up on her remark. She took my pulse and it was 62. "Is that high?" I inquired. Sometimes I amaze myself... but I am just having fun!

She said that my doctor would be in 'soon' before she smiled and shut the door behind her. I looked around the room and at the space behind where the nurse had sat. There was a counter with sink and cabinets above. In the space between was a small poster of feminine anatomy and magazines were strewn on the counter. On top of the magazines was a plastic anatomical part with a name on it too small for me to read from where I was seated.

Now, I am a curious sort, but I am way too smart to fall for the likely embarrassing image that I would create by caressing that body part as my doctor arrived to see me. The room was only nine feet wide, but I wasn't about to touch that thing or go near it to pick up a magazine without a ten-foot pole. So, I sat quietly... for quite a while. I giggled to myself that when he would come through the door, I might say, "Well, there's the man on demand", a sure sign that I was very comfortable and a bit silly from having had too little sleep, but still 'patiently' waiting.

Finally, the door swung open. I startle easily, and I bounced a little on my chair. My doctor smiled and closed the door behind him, and then he pulled a chair closer to mine. He is a tall and intelligent man, with a deep and resonant voice in his late fifty's. He probably plays tennis or golf, judging from his build. I always enjoy his company very much and I harbor a great deal of respect for him.

After our greetings, he sat down with his little chart and asked me how I have been feeling. I reached into my purse and produced a list of my medications as I started to answer him. "Well, I am very well", I said as I handed it to him. "You will notice recent prescriptions for depression and anxiety, but I am planning to shed them when I meet with my other doctor."

His head tilted a little forward and his eyes squinted a little in curiosity, so I indulged him with the headlines of activity that in late fall had led me to seek treatment. He was an engaged listener and he seemed to feel the pain from each event that had taken their toll on me. I then explained to him that I have grown and have renewed strength from the experiences. He could sense that I was telling him the truth, but cautioned about quickly withdrawing from the medication. "The serotonin inhibitors being blocked by the medication could produce a sudden decline in mood and confidence", he said.

He concluded by saying that, all he would need is a sample of my blood to check hormone levels but that my answers to his questions made him feel confident that no changes would be needed. I looked seriously at him and I told him then, "I don't remember whether I have ever said how grateful to you I feel. I am so happy, and I have you to thank for helping me to change my life."

He knew that he had. After being evaluated for treatment, he has watched me evolve into the woman that I am through medications he prescribed and surgery which he had performed. Then something magical happened; my doctor almost blushed and he had a look of humble pride that I am quite sure no one has ever seen since perhaps his mother might have glimpsed it on his face as a young boy.

We walked together to the room where my blood would be drawn. Instead of leaving me there per usual, he led the way in. He was necessarily sitting close to me in the chair next to mine and was quietly looking through his notes. I commented to him, "The last time I saw you, you were considering retiring. I am both happy for me and sad for you that you haven't retired yet." He slowly stood up and smiled at me as he started his way back out of the room, and then he paused with a grin and said softly, "Some days I feel like retiring. I enjoyed seeing you again, Natalae." I responded that I was very happy to see him again too.

I was alone for only a moment as I thought, "Gee, I really made his day!"

Suddenly, and unannounced, a short and young woman hurriedly came in to take a sample of my blood. I had never seen her before. She barely looked at me before she sat down in the same chair that my doctor had just occupied. Instead she looked down at her paperwork and then said my legal name in the form of a question. I immediately recognized her voice from the morning call that I made to confirm my appointment time. "No." I said. "I will choose my battles in life carefully, but I will always fight and win when it comes to my name. My name is 'Natalae' and my legal name is the name you stated. You can do whatever you wish with your paperwork for your office and insurance, but always address me by my name."

I knew from how I felt and from the tone in my voice that suddenly I had become the immovable object and the irresistible force all in one, and she and any army she chose to help her would fail to move me... and she knew it.

She looked back down at her paper in awkward silence. To reengage her, I remarked what a beautiful day it was; after all I didn't wish for her to soil her clothes! She responded that she hadn't been out since early that morning. In fact, she looked as though she slept where she worked and hadn't washed or changed clothes all week.

She finally made eye contact and asked, "So, how soon before you change your legal name into your proper name?" "That will happen as soon as the planets and the stars line up for that to happen. Life is more a bowl of compromise than a box of chocolates." We both smiled.

I didn't look when she took blood from me. Even at my age, I still cannot do some things.

As I got up to leave, I saw that another patient was standing within two feet of me behind a curtain, and she had obviously overheard our conversation. She looked up at me with a prideful smile that made me feel wonderful.

I said good-bye to the people at the reception desk and I walked to the elevator, then back out to my car. As I walked through the lobby, I could see my image on the darkened wall of glass windows. I thought of all of the planning and travel and the small personal encounters which went into this simple checkup. I looked again at my image as I walked by and I felt very happy and very strong.

Once in my car, I dialed my home phone number that Annie had written down for me and given to me along with her cell phone (she is so good for me!). "Annie, I am on my way home. Surprise, they even paid me for coming!" Annie said that she would try to have something ready for us to eat when I got home.

As I drove home on the four-lane highway, people were passing me and I would take note of their faces and their cars as they did. Two of the cars that passed me were later pulled over for speeding. Traffic didn't seem impressed that speeding is unlawful and they continued to pass me frequently.

I didn't mind of course, but one car that passed me had three men in it and they all looked like they were exhausted hunters in their camouflaged attire. I imagined their trunk was as loaded with weapons as they themselves might be loaded with alcohol... they just gave me that impression. They could have been driving for a week too, stopping only at filling stations along the way.

When I walked back into our apartment, Annie called me into her bedroom to talk. She was watching television while cross-stitching a picture for my bedroom. Her little glasses were sliding down her cute nose as she rocked in her chair. The first thing I told her was that I had forgotten perfume. She instantly reached over at her dresser and took perfume from a rack that she has. "Here, try this and see if you like it" she said. She sprayed a little at my neck and wrist.

I like telling stories, so I made one up. I told her, still smiling that I was afraid that I might be a victim of a hate-crime on the way home. She was alarmed and put her project down. She led me into the living room and her eyes were wide with attention and concern.

I told her that, as those men in camouflage clothes were passing me in heavy traffic that I tooted and they pointed shotguns at me from their car. I thought out-loud to them in my head, 'Hey, people don't kill guns, guns kill people. Just because you hear a duck doesn't mean you should shoot!' Annie looked horrified, "They pointed guns at you?" "Just wait, I am not quite finished." I was smiling. "As they passed me, my little car asked me, 'was that me who tooted, or you?" "Well, I think it was you... were it not?" Annie was not amused. "Did your car toot, or did you?" "Wait, just one more minute..." I said. "I sheepishly asked my car if she still thought I was cute. I looked at the dash to see the 'ABS' light that is always on. It means something else to others, but to me it means 'absolutely'.

It was silly-tired humor, but Annie was annoyed. "Those are the very kinds of thoughts that would keep you from sleeping. I cannot understand how you can make fun of this!"

I told her that she is right, but the fact that I can make humor about it says something about the difference between how I felt insecure and in danger from my environment to how I feel so much stronger now.

I only realized the truth about myself as I was saying those words.

I tried to make 'light and fluffy' and wound right back to 'deep and serious'... the difference is in my smile."

To some friends who had commented on my story, I wrote back,

"Thank you both for reading and for your comments. If by saying 'happy in your own skin' means to be sincere, real, honest, genuine, yourself (and I know that it does) then I whole-heartedly agree. Sometimes the key to understanding is nuanced by more than a simple phrase, and I just want to be 'absolutely' clear.

Think about this for a moment: How I feel about myself would not have been possible for any of our ancestors up and until just a few decades ago. It took our collective knowledge and innovation to overcome the walls which would have kept me and all others born under similar circumstances imprisoned. Instead, we would only be seen or viewed as people opposite our own gender. It is a humiliating, frustrating, and horrifying fate that so many people before us could never escape.

In short, I certainly am happy in my own skin, partly because I understand how fortunate I am.

I have no regrets for the pain in my life when it has led me to this place, where I can truly empathize and pray for, and work towards equality, acceptance and fairness for all people everywhere.

But even having an appreciation for where I feel comfortable and strong, I also know that if it were not for you, Jo and others who have kept me from drowning in my own sorrows and fears, that I may not...I probably would not have had the means (love, acceptance, and support) to have survived.

How can I ever say 'thank you' enough for helping me? Well, I cannot, but you know that I love you, all the way to everywhere and back... the long way. : )"

To another friend who commented, I wrote,

"More than anything else, this story is a celebration of how I have become joyful through strength, and in my last story, how I have gained strength by acquiescing to my fear of those who hate or cannot tolerate me and then allowing myself to love those who no longer love me or accept me.

You are so right to see the difference in me that you have said, and we share a Sister, Siobhan, who has also recently seen an equally positive change in her life (what are the odds?). I think we both feel sunshine on our faces for the first time in much too long a time.

We both know the meaning of 'family' that may be non-traditional but no less genuine. Janis was the first to teach that to me, but the lessons in your comment reinforce the heritage we share now. I love you as well."

In a return separate letter to my friend, the 'Child of the Universe' in my story, I wrote,

"Thank you, Dolly.

I agree that there is growth associated with epiphany. Even with effort, it would be impossible to unlearn what I have gained; but what I have gained is a stance where I feel head and shoulders, waist and knees (maybe even ankles) out of water that was rising past my chin.

No accidents? I agree 100%. There is difference between the mystery which governs life and the physical laws that govern everywhere else in the universe. Heisenberg's uncertainty principle and the mathematics of statistics would disagree, and I used to believe that those laws could not be out-flanked, but my life experiences have too much evidence to the contrary...

The fact seems to be that the people who enter or leave our lives and events do happen for reasons that can only be seen from an historical perspective. Who would have guessed that our paths might have crossed before they had? In fact they did, and I will never be the same person as I was before they had...and one cannot ever change his or her life. Our lives are therefore as they are intended. I believe that I learned that from you. QED

I love you too.  
Natalae"

On February 21st, 2012 I replied to a story of someone looking back in his life to a time when a relationship was blossoming between him and a high school girl. I was thinking of those I still love in my former family.

"Thank you for a wonderful bus ride... The people in our past...we remember the best days with them, the beautiful things about them. We still love who they were, even though we no longer know who they are..."

Though it may seem trivial, it was healing for me to put those thoughts down. Somehow they made it easier to cast away my ties and to move forward freely.

'Moving forward' does not imply losing our personal ties and lessons from the past, or our responsibility to apply those lessons to the remaining circumstances in our life. We own our history. My point was made on February 25th, 2012 when I wrote this story,

DREAM HOUSE

I was explaining to my Sister, Teresa, who has passed on, how the opposite characters within 'the story' and their interactions helped to reveal important aspects to the meaning of the events in our lives, and of life itself.

In the next moment, Doctor House came back into the waiting room and asked all of us there if there were any transgendered patients among us. I hesitated for just a moment, and then I raised my fingertips just above my shoulders. He said, "Come with me."

We walked through the door which he had come in from, to just a few feet away when he asked me to lay down as if he were about to begin a physical examination of some kind, but I knew better. I was lying on my back on a worn brown leather couch at the intersection of two busy hospital hallways with my fingers woven together over my tummy.

He turned back to me with a questioning look on his face. Why do you allow others to identify you as 'transgendered' when to do so only invites their excoriation?" I replied without hesitation, "There are some people who would threaten the sunlight for all flowers, and thus extinguish all life in order to convince the rest of us to let them harvest some or all of the rare flowers which grow only in the soils of the tundra, in order that they can make a few bowls of flower soup for themselves."

I awoke with that clear thought in my consciousness.

Last night I was listening to music and reading the last part of a poem I had written. I used it in a recent comment to a story I wrote to say that we should 'love like the sun', never to worry about receiving love from others.

Now I understand that more than just a good idea in order to protect us from our own feelings for those who leave us, there is a moral responsibility to love like the sun, regardless of the personal consequences, until there are no others who feel superior to anyone, those who would leverage their interests and influence to subvert the interests, the quality of life, or life literally for others whom they feel somehow superior to.

We cannot hide the truth of ourselves and blend into society, until society will accept us as people and not 'transgendered', 'female', 'short', of a particular 'color', or somehow 'challenged' in relationship to the mean of the social bell curve, or in relation to where those others who judge us place themselves within that bell curve.

If by identifying myself invites harm to me, I will identify someone who is dangerous to us all for their feelings of superiority to me and I will have saved someone else who might have taken the harm in my stead, someone no less valuable than me.

By contrast, if I were to hide, then those who feel superior to other groups would be emboldened and all transgendered people might be harvested for 'soup'... and it would not stop there; different varieties of flowers would eventually be harvested from the precedent that was set.

I wish I could remember the story, which I was talking about with my Sister. I knew it thoroughly well at the time and it was lovely to be in her company once more.

Gregory House is a polarizing character who, at different times, I both admire and find disgusting. I enjoy watching his character in the drama named for him, and he is someone as I mentioned to my Sister, who can help to reveal important aspects to the meaning of the events in our lives and of life itself.

Thank you, House.

I love you, Teresa."

I wrote to my friend Siobhan in advance of the posting of my story so that she would see it first. I knew that she would find comfort in it because she had rebounded as I had from depression. After she commented, I wrote back,

"... Also, I wanted to share a vivid dream with a message inspired by my sister, Teresa. She and I had always been close, but never so much as in recent years. I will learn some day how she died, but I need to hear about it from her. I cannot help but to feel partially responsible that her life might not have been as fulfilling as it could have been; neither of us knew that I was her older sister while she was alive. Nothing would be the same if the truth of me had been known at birth, but I love her and I miss her more than she had ever known while she was still alive.

The lesson that I had learned, to 'love like the sun' is freeing in many ways. The inspiration of my sister not to rest, or to become complacent in hoping that others learn it, and to be persistent regardless of the personal cost, to point out those who will intentionally cast shadows on others by actively or subversively diminishing the quality of life for any of us, is very reinforcing to me. Now I can sense that Teresa is watching...and smiling. Soon; there will be no more hiding me."

I relive the strength that I felt in my words to her, particularly in the last sentence as I re-read this. Those words were bound to turn into prophecy.

On that same day, February 25th, 2012 I found someone who wrote about not being a materialistic person. It reminded me of things I had written, which inspired me to think of something I thought profound about my place in the whole of humankind.

"'Money can't buy me love' (The Beatles). The things in life that are really important are intangible and we are the temporary custodians of decaying artifacts in the 'before' life; life as we currently understand it. I think we can all feel a sense of epiphany, enlightenment, or awareness of ourselves as part of the fabric of 'us all' if we survive long enough and without too many distractions.

Our jobs certainly don't make us who we are. We experience struggle, but we are love and we are life. "

On February 28th, 2012 I commented on a story about someone in another country who was both proud of the achievements and distressed by some of his country's history. It made me think about the artificial borders that we all place between us as people.

""Imagine there's no country...Imagine all the people, sharing all the world...living life in peace..." a quotable quote from one of the most brilliant and influential people in my lifetime, a person who lived in both of our countries. I was born here in the US. I feel lucky that I wasn't born at one of the poles of the earth or in an Amazon jungle, but John Lennon was right; that we are people first and citizens of any country second.

While in public school, I remember reciting 'I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America', even though my classmates and I were much too young to understand the words, let alone their context. My mother was half French and half Norwegian while my last name is English. Am I as European as you? All of us come from a heritage that is clouded by many thousands of years of pre-history, and beginning not so many generations before ours.

All that said, I grew up with the same sense of nationalistic pride and later, the knowledge of regrettable things done in the name of the US or of its authority; so we share mixed emotions of national identity. More recently, I have found friends all over the world who diminish the meaning of national borders for me...it is the 'people' for whom I care."

Good fortune in the form of acceptance by Annie came on March 3rd, 2012. I excitedly wrote to my friend Ruth,

"Okay, Ruth,

You are the first to hear my best news of practically the entire world (through my eyes at least). Get ready...OMG I can hardly breathe.

In my last story I mentioned that 'soon there will be no hiding me'. I have talked it over with Annie and she has given her blessing to me to 'come out' at work this fall so that I can be me full-time! For the first time, I can make friends with my co-workers and be addressed by my real name. I feel like I can finally become alive for the first time! Annie said that she will even help me shop for work outfits (but I am definitely inviting you here to help me shop for shoes!).

I am so happy to tell someone, and I am so happy that you are here to share my happiness!

Love always,  
Natalae"

I told the rest of my friends and the world in a story which I wrote that same memorable day, March 3rd, 2012.

WHAT'S IN A NAME?

A new friend of mine from the Middle East recently asked about my name, and I wrote to her, "Thank you for asking about my name and your compliment that it 'sounds beautiful'. I had never known anyone named 'Natalie' when I was growing up (the common spelling and a female given name: from a Latin word meaning "birthday"' from Dictionary.com). I felt that it was important for me to choose a name that was unique and new to me.

I actually came up with the spelling myself. My mother was half French and that fact lent itself to the spelling (my middle name is Jaennae for the same reason), but I also thought of the word, plural "pupae" [An insect in the non-feeding stage of development between the larva and adult, during which it typically undergoes a complete transformation...].

Discovering my gender and transforming into the woman I am is analogous to the metamorphosis of caterpillar into a butterfly. The meaning of birthday for my name is also important to me.

It didn't take me very long to find my name, Natalae, and the first time I wore it, it fit perfectly, felt perfectly natural, and I have never had second thoughts about it. It makes me feel happy to recall. Thank you for inspiring me to say this 'out loud'."

Today feels like the perfect day to share the inspiration of my name with friends. Annie has given her blessing for me to live my life 100% as me. I have already spoken to my management representative at work and have been given the 'go-ahead' from her several months ago. My plans are to have all the details in place by this coming September when I will rid myself of all disguise and be able, for the first time, to befriend others at work and be only me to everyone. I will uphold my own feeling of social responsibility to others as well as myself, not to hide from anyone.

Annie took me shopping tonight and bought me a beautiful butterfly necklace to make the day absolutely perfect. She is as happy for me as I am for myself. Ours is certainly a deep and loyal friendship which has seen us through times that would capsize most relationships. We are both proud of each other and for what we have between us.

Thank you for sharing one of the happiest days of my life."

One of my friends expressed her joy and mentioned that the butterfly is a symbol for transsexual folks. I wrote back,

"I didn't know it was the 'trans' symbol, but it is so fitting. A whole-hearted embrace of oneself is at once a selfish act, because in order to do so, one needs to free herself from expectations that others imposed upon her for mistaken (perceived gender) reasons, but also an act of generosity, for giving of the truth of who you are to everyone who shares life at the same time.

Annie doesn't like me because I used to be the person she married. She loves me for the person and the friend that I am. Remnants of the 'before me' are in a forgotten chrysalis and we have both moved on from there. What are the odds? Wow, look how happy I can be!"
CHAPTER 21 – INTENT TO 'COME CLEAN' AT WORK

Finally, in a letter to my friend Ruth on March 8th, 2012 I wrote my notice of intent to come out at work.

"I just have to tell you...

Today I met with upper management and we discussed me being myself there at work beginning in September. She was so happy for me and we sat in her office and chatted for a while about the details and planning. As I got up to leave, I extended my hand to her and she clasped it in both of hers and gave me such a loving smile. I felt like we really became friends in the moment..."

I understood how fortunate I was to find acceptance in my workplace even while former family could not accept me.

On March 23rd, 2012 the person I met with about 'coming out' at work told me that when she went to the two owners of the company with the news of me, that one of them said that they wondered how long it would be for me to 'come out'. I had already been 'outted' by one of my aunts who knew him.

It was a cruel and heartless thing for her to do, risking my job even while Annie continued her search for employment. The good news is that I happened to be working for a company whose management appreciates me for my contributions, without judging me or thinking me less than equal to them. We should all be so fortunate!

The following is the letter I composed for the workplace to prepare them to accept me.

LETTER TO CO-WORKERS

Thank you for being here. I have an announcement to make, but I am unable to make it personally. The person that you have known to be James is really me, Natalae. I am sorry if the news that I am a woman is disturbing to any of you and I sincerely hope that none of you feel hurt. I didn't withhold this news any longer than I had to, or wished to.

The fact is that I was simply misdiagnosed at birth and I was raised to think that I was a boy. Actually, I was the one in 25,000 births where the brain is opposite the sex of her body. I was born as a 'girl-in-a-boy'. We would be all girls at birth but for the exposure and timing of certain hormones in utero. The term is transsexual. I personally think born 'girl-in-a-boy' is more accurate and less trepidatious sounding.

The truth is that one in twenty who were born as I, die from suicide. That number is staggering, but understandable when one learns of the personal, social, and legal ramifications that transitioning from perceived gender to actual gender entails. First, there is nothing mentally different in the mind of someone who has been diagnosed as I have and any other woman. The treatment is surgery and medications to treat the body, for those who are healthy enough, to bring the body in line with the brain, and I thank my lucky stars that I have been healthy enough for both.

I also have enormous compassion for those who are not healthy enough for the physical transformation and who languish in a tortuous condition known as gender dysphoria, the horrifying nightmare of having to live within an inappropriate body. That is a condition that alone is responsible for many suicides. Many more suicides come from rejection by loved ones, children, family, and friends... and co-workers.

There is an inappropriate stigma which is often attached to any condition related to gender (psychological inclination and presentation (one's private sense of being a male or a female)), and part of the stigma comes from the fact that in social discussions people in the same circumstances are referred to as 'transgendered'. Transgendered is in fact a large and often misunderstood grouping of people which, only one type transsexual, is a congenital disorder which requires changing the body to come into congruence with the mind.

I endured enormous struggle to be where I am from where I once was, but we all have our unique struggles in life. Now, I am a heterosexual woman in a committed and faithful relationship with my partner. I am a good person, but I realize that I have deceived you and others in order to accommodate my responsibility and promise to my partner until now; when the planets and stars finally aligned for me to live as my true self. I apologize for deceiving you, but I hope that you can understand why I needed to.

In the end I am no different from you. I am perfectly flawed as we all are and I have my scars from life as we all have.

It is my greatest hope that you can share in my joy of never having to live the part-time lie of a character presented to you, rather than just being able to be me. I will enjoy the rest of my life unencumbered by the chrysalis of the person who was known as James. I am Natalae. I will respond to my name and I will be remembered after I pass-on by my real name; Natalae Jaennae Randall.

I understand that this issue is sensitive to some and I apologize for taking your time and for needing to explain this. I also want to apologize for the fact that I haven't participated in activities away from regular time at work in order not to encourage the myth of James.

I don't like being the center of attention and I hope that learning this simple truth will have little personal impact on you. I am as motivated as I have ever been to be personally successful here and to help our company to grow. I haven't changed how I feel towards any of you, but I am free now and for the first time since I have started work here, to freely and honestly engage you.

We are all fortunate to be represented by management and ownership here that are compassionate to us and to me. Thank you, Monica, Mark, Paul, and everyone, who has demonstrated your understanding and your support of me, and for taking valuable time to inform my co-workers on my behalf.

Some of you may have questions that I will be happy to answer, but I am just a person who needs to move on from here. If you are only curious about the spectrum of human sexuality or of other conditions of the human experience, then I am sure that I would not be a good resource for you to learn more; not because I couldn't be, but because I don't care to be.

I hope that many more of you will simply share in my happiness to be out from behind a tattered curtain. I like everyone I've met here. I hope that you won't change how you feel about me.

Sincerely,  
Natalae

Second to finally, a message of hope which I had written a little more than a week earlier when I prayed for everyone who struggles as I had. I wrote this comment on March 15th, 2012 to a woman, who felt trapped in her abusive marriage,

"If this story were written by your sister or your daughter, would you tell her that how she is being treated is abusive, that nothing she had done or said was deserving of treatment like this, that allowing this to happen once is too many times and that it gives power to her husband to subjugate her and to be greater than equal to her each time it happens?

You are no less than equal to anyone. If you aren't strong enough to advocate for yourself, find someone who can represent you and advocate for you, a friend, a relative, a counselor, or an attorney.

You will feel whole when you are not made to feel less than whole and you can live your life in dignity and equality.

All of us need each other for support sometimes, that's how we overcome what is just too much for any one of us to overcome alone. I am keeping my fingers crossed and sending hopes for you that you wish for yourself. You can do this. Your friends will help you."

We all need each other and we need to remember that fact.

And finally... out from the depths. I am very happy and I want to leave you with a smile too.

I wrote this to a friend when I was in a silly frame of mind,

"I was a therapist in another life who learned hypnosis. I was self-taught and I have never learned to 'snap' my fingers, so I am still here and there.

It is my considered opinion (and people used to pay me for my opinion) that you would make a very astute therapist. Having all of the qualifications of an expert; may I now ask a question of you, the answer to which has eluded me for hundreds of years?

If I walk in a forest and a twig 'snaps' beneath my feet, will I be dead or alive, alive or dead... or still dead and alive?"

Thank you for spending some time with me.

From Across the Universe,  
Natalae

LIST OF STORIES

To Thyself Be True  
Sexual Frame of Mind  
If Only I had Been Born a Girl  
Looking at Men  
Teenage Prom  
Love, a Paradox  
Whether Society will Evolve or Decay...Depends on Our Practice of Social Equality  
I Honor My Partner, Annie  
Our Legacy  
Sometimes Love Makes Perfect Sense  
R*E*S*P*E*C*T  
How Does One Measure the Value of Life  
Speak Out  
Who Do You Think of When You Think of the Word – Compassion?  
Upside Down Land  
Marlena  
What is 'Family'?  
I Feel Like I Just Got Home  
How Can You Tell If You Are a Bigot? How Can You Change?  
Who Wants Men-Lite?  
One  
An Important Part of Me  
So Change Already  
Another 'Modest Proposal'  
Dr. Janis to the Rescue  
The Rhetoric of 'Institution' – The Genesis of Reason  
News Flash!!!  
Imagine Greater  
What a Wonderful World...Imagine It!  
A Little Too Anxious for the Holidays  
I Was Tagged  
The World Will Change...Right?  
Don't Get Stoned...Get Equal!  
Absolutely  
Dream House  
What's In A Name?
LIST OF LESSONS

Acceptance

They are keeping Natalae from having a relationship with them  
Made to feel that I belonged in the margins of society  
Most of us can make some of us feel about being a part of all of us  
I cannot trust that the people I might meet in person  
Through acceptance that one feels the restoration of dignity  
Acceptance will come through interaction with others  
Only acceptance restores dignity – letter to Adam  
Gays and lesbians will have equal rights and dignity first  
Fear diminishes as one advances upward in social acceptance  
Acceptance I have found in your company  
Interest in helping each other  
Support that I enjoy from my sister and my mother  
The first time that I have been 'hit on'  
Deplorable behavior directed at Annie because of me  
Bringing your family into our lives  
I was very disappointed until I remembered I hadn't lost anything  
New Year's Eve was a family party and that excluded me

Betrayal

Had immediate and everlasting impact on me and on others  
Lynn called Annie to speak derisively of 'James'  
Annie met with my family and took with her a letter  
She had broken my trust (again)  
She gives them clear conscious to ostracize me  
The hate-fest has burned bridges. How can I trust?  
Lynn came over while I was at work to speak with Annie  
They (Adam and Abby) simply do not believe me anymore  
Lynn is working at convincing Annie to dissolve our marriage  
Reference to manipulative and betrayal of my doctor  
Now, I fear them  
Those who once cared about me left me to stand alone or to die  
Their rejection they could live with, even knowing it could kill me  
Still, my family rejected me for a congenital birth defect  
Failing to come to aid of someone at risk is depraved indifference  
Each member of my family turned his or her back on me  
All members collectively ousted me from family  
Third aspect of betrayal included attempts to hurt me -  
The path family had chosen and its flaws  
Adam wondered, 'why', Annie puts up with me  
They have turned their pain into anger  
I can never stop loving my children, but trust has changed to fear  
I watched them leave; my father removed me from his will  
I remember my family acting in unison simplified it for them  
Trust takes a day to earn, a second to lose and an eternity to regain  
One of my very dear friends on SN was attacked in her home  
Label that cheapens the value of me; makes me less than equal  
I worry how Adam/Abby will internalize what they have done  
I should be used to being rejected, I haven't mastered that art  
We still love who they were, we no longer know who they are  
I had already been 'outted' by one of my aunts

Bigotry

Most of us paint targets on the backs of those seen as different  
'What' I am disgraced my former family  
What they had done actually disgraced them  
I will always fear those who have turned away from me  
Intolerance is a stone's throw away from violence  
Because of their choice or inability for they don't know me at all  
Rekindling a former family relationship was scary for me  
Degrading to me, that they treat me less than equally  
I just do not 'fit in', and don't deserve to be in the same society  
Being made to feel disrespected is a crime  
Social / political fear  
Intolerant attitudes and violent behavior  
If I become a victim of violence I will draw attention to him/her  
Those who think others less than equal lack compassion  
Imagery used to deal with nightly fears  
Reason vs. belief re Adam and Abby  
Reason vs. belief  
Others would only delight in my pain if I lost Annie  
Heartless and bigoted people who cannot accept me as a person

Coming Clean

Now discussing whether to tell my family  
The time had finally arrived for me to 'come clean'  
What about Adam, Abby and my father  
I felt a great burden removed from my shoulders  
Annie told her son, Jeremy  
Abby thinks I am a 'joke' and my father wishes I had never told him  
Jeremy was the person that I most feared would react unfavorably  
Father tricked Annie and me that Christmas would be postponed  
Face-to-face with my younger siblings; Roger and Lynn  
Letter (named 'Gauntlet') to my older brother  
The loss of family nearly killed me  
The cost for security and companionship is the time that I must hide  
I am not able to be myself at work  
I have lost my biological family because of social stereotypes  
Would be fine for me to be myself at work if it becomes an option

Dignity

Living life with conditions is denying my true self to live at all  
I feel as if I am becoming naked; stripped of everything  
I feel that I can only give pain to others and have no value  
I do find joy that I had courage to be true to myself...to live  
I hope that someone will remember me after I pass on by my name  
Few will ever miss me or even know my name  
It is here that my dignity is restored  
Helped me to restore and to validate my feelings about myself  
I embarrass her, therefore, she disgraces me  
I feel dignity with them  
We are fragile for our perceived relative value as people in society  
Only then, when I live my true self will I have a life fulfilled  
I feel as though she thinks that I am less a person than she  
I am secure, but as in a prison, for I am not free to be myself  
My greatest worry is if I die before my name is changed  
It is the perspectives of others about us that are most accurate  
It is better to live my life with honesty and dignity  
Maybe 'Tea Party' is greasing the path to those dark times  
Nothing else more important than to be remembered honestly  
Presenting to others that they can accept comes at our expense  
I write about equality and dignity, but my own reality differs  
As a society need to restore dignity through acceptance  
I depend on our legal system then, for the memory of me  
I will always fight and win when it comes to my name

Divorce

Divorce  
Abby called Annie to congratulate her for deciding to divorce me  
Sometimes we cry for knowing how much we will miss each other  
I wish that I could let go of Annie as she has let go of me  
We could both search but fail to fill needs we have met  
Perhaps my partner may be happier without me someday  
Annie and I have renewed our commitment as life partners

Dysphoria

I planned my own orchiectomy  
The potential for mistreatment is outweighed by personal need  
The voice of gender dysphoria

Equality

Politics of equality in a democracy  
Speak out; we condone the acts of others if we say nothing  
Let all of us everywhere learn to love one another as our equal  
The value that we bring to our society is equal to everyone's  
Equality means that we are equal, or the opposite will be true  
Our progeny will look back at all of the unfairness that was  
None of us are equal unless we all are else some can remove rights  
I can see a better world, reward those who care  
It's the place where walls vanish acceptance by all of each of us  
Her striving for equality but feminist has been demonized  
Again, I AM equal I demand equality and respect for all people  
We should teach values to prevent horror that history has recorded  
Let it be women who say GET REAL about equality!  
We used to have a greater trust that people have compassion  
People who think that they are greater than equal pose a danger  
No institution of 'self' is greater than any other  
Each of us is not so unlike other people that we see  
Neither would someone who is shy want to live a lesser life  
People who feel superior keep inequality among people alive  
We each are obliged to become heroes to each other  
You will feel whole when you are not made to feel less than whole

Fantasies That Supplement Perspective of Self

I love entertaining myself with the 'what-ifs' had I been born girl  
I have made it a habit to smile and say, "Hello, beautiful"  
Sexual fantasy  
My life is a composite of a different character and my own  
I was at the threshold of learning that I am not a lesbian at all  
Wishing that I had all of the early years to recall as a girl  
I sometimes think about motherhood  
I will escape the need for men's clothing, I hope someday  
I still dream the impossible dream of becoming a mother  
A life not guided or filtered by a mind's interpretation of time  
What matters here is not 'who' we are, but the spirits that we love

Forgiveness vs. Indifference

Indifference a frame of mind which would allow me to move on  
I am not ready to trust people who have left me  
Forgiveness vs. Indifference  
I have gotten close to a place of indifference  
The difference between indifference and forgiveness  
I cannot forgive, so I try to feel indifferent

Impending Social Challenges for Women

A character trait; femininity which describes a part of who we are  
A symbiotic sorority of giving and sharing that strengthens us all  
I'll stand with every woman against those who subjugate women  
A territorial right; a place to gather and to support one another  
Stand our ground to those who think inequality is fine  
Subjugation of women is never right  
Some women were cynical of the concept of Sisterhood  
You live within me and have become a part of who I am  
Sisterhood  
I am a 'feminist' and I am proud to say so  
Aside from... adapting to the mold of a successful male  
Associate negative images with the word, 'Feminist'  
I would define the word, 'feminist'  
We need to invent plans for our equality  
I fear that women are being led from what makes us so special  
Maybe capitalism is the lens through which bosses view traits  
There has yet to be invented, a new game  
A path which maintains our identity as women over time  
Women's visions of a future where the best of human traits  
I want daughters to thrive by expressing themselves honestly  
It makes me sick to think we could end up living as we had  
Success; there exists a hypothetical economic and social system  
The key for social change is changing our economic system  
I picture an economic system based upon equality  
Testosterone driven brute force is the means to collective choices  
Creative ways to motivate economic activity  
Corporate America is consolidating their political power

Importance of Personal Values

Honesty is time sensitive,  
Destiny lies before us, not behind us  
Better to be the best woman that I can be than best of men  
I settled on the name – Natalae Jaennae Randall  
Our name the vessel which identifies 'self' and contains our soul  
What value am I? What fate do I deserve? Can I trust myself?  
I have resolved to look elsewhere for acceptance and purpose  
Challenge; intrepid people rise to, and fearful people cower to  
I am happy to just be alive  
Suicide is illogical. Find joy in the simplest of things  
We can't avoid making waves that hurt others  
I will not be with anyone who demonstrates bigotry  
Is it logical for anyone or anything that is alive to self-terminate?  
We need to be true to ourselves  
'I AM' ultimately needs to survive  
Love is many things, but among them, love is the gift of giving  
Violence is but a stone's throw away from intolerance  
To be told that you are loved, can be as medicinal as penicillin  
Stand together or we will be at the edge of society  
I fail at trying to understand how others can feel so heartless  
We can all shelter one another with love for one another  
If I let my pride win I will trust others less  
I refuse to be reduced to the least common denominator in society  
Respect and dignity are needed for self-fulfillment and happiness  
Share their life with you AS IT HAPPENS  
Honesty is a pillar in relationship once violated, trust is gone  
We have values for which we stand resolute to defend ourselves  
I would like to think myself an author who writes her own parts  
Still; only with the emergence of our true selves can we truly live  
We are all fortunate...Perception of personal beauty  
'What' you are; beautiful... Perception of personal beauty  
I don't leave friends. Friends have saved me. Friends are forever  
The truth when we tell someone who we are  
For me, I needed courage to stand up for me  
What joy to appreciate the wonders that we missed out on  
We are more when we share of ourselves with friends and family  
We can cope by sharing a burden yet joy is cumulative  
Self-awareness plus compassion, friendships, and love  
War is dumb  
I will not allow myself to disappoint people I know or don't know  
Never, Never, Never Quit  
I feel a personal passion to speak out  
Honesty a value that once violated, trust is gone  
Self-esteem a personal attribute earned through action  
Took all of my courage to tell my employer the same truth of me  
We must accept the events of our lives; no regrets  
Friends are forever and we live on inside of each other  
Wisdom begins with the lesson that our life is as it is  
Even when there is no hope for change, we must still hope  
Understanding from knowledge, compassion, love  
We are all connected  
You cannot stop loving others  
Imagination is the structure of everything new and everlasting  
People are like trees; each has an open mind or belief system  
Peace grows from love, and goodwill grows from peace  
They all did (people do) what they could (can) do  
Hope that the message of equality makes others aspire to same  
One's life is measured by how many others we love... like the sun  
The greatest among us are equal to each of us  
Therein lays reason for our own forgiveness  
To love as much as I can  
Equality, acceptance and fairness for all people  
Joyful through strength by facing fear allowing myself to love  
There is difference between life and the physical laws  
We are love and we are life  
Friends diminish meaning of borders it is 'people' for whom I care

Life

Each of our histories has unintended consequences  
If a heart beats but no one listens, is that person alive?  
Time and change in life are inseparable  
Survival is not a choice  
Life will always manage to surprise us  
Life brings us together when we needed each other the most  
Life is short and painful when not lived to our potential  
We can best face life by facing it together  
My life is what it is, and I need to accept and rejoice in what I have  
I can make someone happy or have a life of secure emptiness  
There is nothing I can do to change my personal history  
In this life we are defined by others  
Others define us by images & feelings our name evokes  
The people we meet are the people we are enriched by  
The life which I have is what I am supposed to have  
What is life if not about struggle and love? Life is abundant for us  
The challenges we overcome seem to make rewards even sweeter  
The Creator does not make mistakes; each is created in her image  
We are given our lives with purpose and experiences to teach  
Full life measured by our capacity to survive  
What is best in life...my friends  
I often write life is about love and struggle  
Coincidences, people, inspiration happen as they are supposed to  
We are more than the sum of each of us as long as we share life  
Life 'happens' while we're busy making plans  
Cruelty...none of us are free from it until we all are  
Others are able to cope with greater burdens

Love

Your 'soul mate' is the youthful dream that everyone shares  
How could I love someone that I have never met?  
I needed to adjust to the idea that another could love me  
Effortless, sustaining, reinforcing, natural, binding, and beautiful  
She is embarrassed by what I am  
Love: It makes me cry, and it makes me cry  
The love between us and those who pass never dies and continues  
Love is all about giving  
Love and Beauty  
Children; you have them forever... even if they leave you  
I wish I knew...to love each other for what we bring to humanity  
In either case, the gift of the essence of you will live  
Love knows, love grows, love remembers, and love lives forever  
Count on me and your other friends to help you to find the strength  
I feel I have no children...my children don't see me as their parent  
I love Annie more holistically now  
It is my mother and sister who accept me and love me  
I just couldn't make it alone

Reason vs. Beliefs

Simple truths help us to crystallize the patterns we see  
When I wonder how my children can resolve the loss of our love  
I wonder... interpret religious texts than to rationalize  
Beliefs don't challenge thinking or reasoning  
Beliefs persist in the face of persuasive argument only under threat  
Reason is created by god. Worship of god trivializes reason  
Definition of 'self' is a 'belief'  
We don't have to believe that, we just have to keep saying it

Redefinition of Family

They know me well now, love me, and support me  
My daughter was gone  
As I reflect on the meaning of 'family'  
I would never feel the same about being a part of [their] family  
Marlena brings continuity by being flesh-and-blood family  
Welcoming me into her family and her friends  
I have been blessed by a family that is incomparable  
Define 'family'

Respect

Personal expression  
I am a person who deserves respect that any stranger deserves  
I will be happier to be left alone than to be forced out of my home  
It is the first time she used my name, a first sign of respect  
I cannot live with disrespect  
First time in the company of Annie and Jeremy and his friend  
First time I was with Annie and her son in public  
Feeling accepted by others as a 'turning point'  
To respect those who disrespect you promotes bad behavior  
Irrelevancy was where I had come to write about equality  
Less compassionate people describe us by 'what' they think we are

Social Life

Annie and Me

Annie had an anxiety attack  
She is no longer in a marriage relationship  
What do we have left after the intimacy had gone?  
She rightfully sees me as a different person than James  
I feel that Annie and I have finally discovered equilibrium  
Terms of endearment once shared, no longer mean the same  
She is flattered by support; I have been rejected by same people  
We are better together than apart  
I would say that my partner and I have reached equilibrium  
Tiny crumbs of joy are the usual fare  
She should have been supportive of me to my former family  
Thanksgiving and plans to meet SJ in ten days  
I drove five-hundred miles to meet SJ for the first time  
That she likes & cares for me is the highest appreciation  
I know that she needs me, even when she thinks that she doesn't  
There are two conditions which will cause me to leave our relationship  
The idea that I cause her lack of enthusiasm makes me wish for eternal sleep  
I am at a crossroad paralyzed from acting  
Personally, though, friends are as important to self-improvement  
When the idea of 'us' faded Annie said she will not let me sit  
Engaging society vs. Annie's shame and fear of hate crime  
Feeling lonely and isolated  
Annie's and James' relationship  
Lonely and depressed  
Annie has become more accepting of me  
Feeling my insecurities through rejection by others fade  
Annie looked back to see me in a different light  
SJ moving on helped Annie to see me more clearly  
My financial support for Annie helped to strengthen our relationship  
Annie said she should have been more supportive  
I told Annie when I could not live as I had  
Last night Annie took me shopping and out to dinner  
For what many couples have, we have what few others do  
Annie; my partner who has struggled to find a new relationship  
It was the first time out for weeks due to depression  
I HATE being improperly attired, life bleeds while pretending  
Annie, for the first time, showed pride in me as her partner  
Depression and anxiety taking medications  
Very frightened and insecure  
Afraid to go anywhere and thoughts of dying or killing myself  
Accept was that Annie would not support me  
I really don't feel like I am in as hostile an environment  
Much of the fear I had is diminished to near zero  
Annie has given her blessing for me to live my life % as me

A Place of Worship

A monumental achievement to feel connection in a social environment  
How long had it been since someone welcomed me... no one ever had  
FIRST TIME WITH NEW FAMILY AT CHURCH  
I would never return to the church

Finding an On-Line Social Network [SN]

I discovered an anonymous social network  
But we lack trust because we require safety  
The technology is sufficient to allow healing  
SN allows my life to have some meaning  
Sometimes, it is critical to be able to say that someone cares  
The compassion of friends insures no one suffers too much  
In good company when with those who understand and accept us  
Janis has given me faith in unshakable friendships  
That fear of a likely attack us is muted by blessings of friends  
I probably would not have had the means to have survived

Intent to 'Come Clean' At Work

Notice of intent to come out at work

Social Responsibilities

Insurance would not cover gender identity counseling  
Social inadequacy to promote access to accepted medical needs  
If not criminally, they were all morally guilty  
As a group, we live lesser lives in fear of violence  
Intolerance weakens society generally  
As society evolves or decays there can be two outcomes  
Easy for most to look away while some have rights taken away  
Fundamental flaw that minorities are discriminated by the majority  
If this story were taught they might all know how dignity feels  
Intelligence and wisdom are not requisite for decision making  
A better society; one where most of us care for one another  
We will each know that we are never alone, and never without love  
We condone negative actions of others if we fail to oppose them  
Personal greed fed a continuous loop of money & power  
The potential for a holocaust when few see the value of most of us  
Societal rewards for greed vs. giving  
The greatness of a country isn't measured by how we treat the rich  
Accept our responsibility to speak out against inequality  
As more of us speak out fewer people will feel marginalized  
Recognizing negative social trends  
Fear of changes to our society that deepen cultural incivility  
Changing of my personal fears to a desire to advocate for change  
Visualizing an accepting culture  
In reality, some of us have to be dishonest, some or all of the time?  
Whenever we see discrimination, speak out  
Noble is to make life generally better for those who follow us  
Everywhere is the land of responsibility to help those in need  
Capitalism is not a religion that forgives absence of compassion  
Our society can only evolve when we all learn to 'speak out'  
I know failure to evolve socially leads to a horrible history  
Why can't you think of a better alternative to war?  
We are all responsible for how our brothers and sisters are treated  
None of us are free from being innocent victims until we all are  
A constructive way to solve a problem other than war  
I cannot accept how things are or how I think things will change  
Hope should be kept alive that suffering for us can end someday  
The time has come for a sustainable cultural renaissance  
All's fair in love and war' and 'whoever said life is fair?  
I am frightened by lessons not learned from a generation ago  
Everyone is saying 'yes' because they are not saying 'NO!'  
We need to take our rights for our children's children  
Human culture is on a historic trajectory. No one is chained  
Finally people are speaking out around the country  
Our circle of compassion will make it easier us all to be accepted  
Have patience to overcome destructive impulses  
I only wish others who follow our path could have the same access  
Someday, I hope society will understand our medical needs  
Don't belittle, be Equal  
Why do you allow others to identify you as 'transgendered?'  
Moral responsibility to love like the sun, in spite of consequences  
Embrace of oneself is a selfish act and an act of generosity  
All of us need each other for support sometimes

Transsexualism

Physical Treatments

HRT, had both a physical and psychological effect  
I scheduled my long-awaited orchiectomy for October  
I would know a sense of peace fulfilled by surgery  
The day of surgery  
Dream fulfilled, which was key to preserving my sense of self  
Annie completely supportive during the moments of greatest need  
Electrolysis,  
Fear of limitations of treatment  
Social support and limitations for transition  
Balancing the pain to others with personal gain  
I think some negative issues balance escape from personal torment  
Spending moratorium for over a year

Emotional Responses

What I do have is something that I never had before  
My male-socialized female mind was hosted by a male body  
Given a choice, I would have to decide  
Few people understand the loneliness and hardship we go through  
I wondered re the effect of coming clean on myself and others  
I will never have sex again (Letter to Bella)  
I am no longer captivated by distracting interests  
A passion I had for most of my life was to help hide me from myself  
I cannot have children!  
First, transgendered is a catchall phrase  
Dysphoria is no small thing  
I once proclaimed that I am lesbian, I am not so sure now  
Sex (physical characteristics) vs. Gender  
There are no winners. Transsexualism is all about surviving  
Some are born with a feminine mind but occupy a male body  
You built this sanctuary to protect yourself  
Our joy is usually met by losses in other areas of our life  
How I feel about myself was not possible for any of our ancestors  
Inspiration of my name
CHRONOLOGICAL SUMMARY OF EVENTS

February 2008 I planned my own orchiectomy

March 3, 2008 Better to be the best woman that I can be than the best of men

March 20, 2008 The voice of gender dysphoria

March 21, 2008 I settled on my name – Natalae Jaennae Randall  
Our name – the vessel which identifies 'self' and contains our soul

March 28, 2008 Insurance would not cover gender identity counseling  
Social inadequacy to promote access to accepted medical needs

September 2008 Annie signed consent for me to begin HRT  
Now discussing whether to tell my family

May 2009 I scheduled my long-awaited orchiectomy for October 2009

June 6, 2009 The time had finally arrived for me to 'come clean'

August 22, 2009 She is no longer in a marriage relationship  
What about Adam, Abby and my father  
I felt a great burden removed from my shoulders

September 20, 2009 What do we have left after the intimacy has gone?

October 1, 2009 Surgery is confirmed for October 28

October 9, 2009 Annie told her son Jeremy

October 28, 2009 I would know a sense of peace fulfilled by surgery  
The day of surgery  
Dream fulfilled, which was key to preserving my sense of self  
Annie completely supportive during the moments of greatest need  
She rightfully sees me as a different person than James  
I feel Annie and I have finally discovered equilibrium  
Terms of endearment once shared, no longer mean the same  
They are keeping Natalae from having a relationship with them

November 21, 2009 Adam's arrival from Denver  
Had immediate and everlasting impact on me and on others

November 28, 2009 Abby thinks I am a 'joke' and my father's wishes I had never told him

January 15, 2010 Annie met with my family and took with her a letter  
She had broken my trust [again]  
She is flattered by support and I have been rejected by same people  
She gives them clear conscious to ostracize me  
I feel as if I becoming naked – stripped of everything  
The hate-fest has burned bridges. How can I trust?  
I feel that I can only give pain to others and have no value  
Each of our histories has unintended consequences

January 21, 2010 Letter to doctor covering January 13 to present

January 27, 2010 Lynn came over while I was at work to speak with Annie

January 29, 2010 Lynn called me  
Lynn wrote to Annie

January 31, 2010 Wrote 'Sunshine' to Adam and Abby

February 2, 2010 Lynn's response was a flat refusal to meet with my therapist

February 4, 2010 They simply do not believe me anymore  
Lynn is working to convince Annie to dissolve my marriage

February 12, 2010 Reference to manipulative and betrayal of my doctor

February 24, 2010 Abby encouraged me to tell family that I am still thinking of them  
Parting letter to my family

February 25, 2010 What value am I? What fate do I deserve? Can I trust myself?

March 5, 2010 Letter to Adam re: Audrey Balk death and final letter to family  
I have resolved to look elsewhere for acceptance and purpose

March 28, 2010 A monumental achievement to feel connection socially

April 1, 2010 Dear Pastor Care/Membership Coordinator  
How long since someone welcomed me...no one ever had

April 4, 2010 FIRST TIME WITH NEW FAMILY AT CHURCH

May 6, 2010 I would never return to the church to keep her family safe from me  
Made to feel that I belonged in the margins of society

May 7, 2010 Adam asked for photos

June 6, 2010 Tough  
Challenge – intrepid people rise to and fearful people cower to

June 14, 2010 I wrote back to Abby's response to 'Tough'

July 8, 2010 My daughter was gone

July 30, 2010 Annie was invited to my father's 84th surprise birthday party

August 6, 2010 I am happy to just be alive  
Suicide is illogical. Find joy in the simplest of things.

August 18, 2010 We can't avoid making waves that hurt others  
Most of us can make some of us feel about being a part of all of us

August 21, 2010 We are better together than apart  
What I do have is something that I never had before  
My male-socialized female mind was hosted by a male body

August 22, 2010 Loss of family. Letter to friend 'girl-in-a-boy'  
I would say that my partner and I have reached equilibrium  
Most of us paint targets on the backs of those seen as different  
Now, I fear them  
Final unsent letter to Abby  
I will not be with anyone who demonstrates bigotry  
If a heart beats but no one listens, is that person alive?  
Those who once cared about me left me to stand alone or to die  
What' I am disgraced my former family  
What they have done has actually disgraced them  
If not criminally, they were all morally guilty  
Their rejection they could live with, even knowing it could kill me  
As I reflect on the meaning of 'family'  
Still, my family rejected me for a congenital birth defect  
I will always fear those who have turned away from me

August 22, 2010 Failing to come to the aid of someone at risk is depraved indifference  
Indifference – a frame of mind which would allow me to move on

August 23, 2010 Suicide  
Is it logical for anyone or anything that is alive to self-terminate?  
Time and change in life are inseparable

August 24, 2010 Annie's letter to me re: suicide  
We need to be true to ourselves  
I AM ultimately needs to survive  
Survival is not a choice  
First experience being in public and dressed as a woman

August 27, 2010 I love entertaining myself with the 'what-ifs'

August 29, 2010 Social costs of transitioning  
I do find joy that I had courage to be true to myself...to live  
Looking forward from personal losses  
Given a choice I would have to decide...I'm glad that I don't have to  
Betrayal  
Intolerance is a stone's throw away from violence  
I would never feel the same about being a part of [their] family  
Each member of my family has turned his or her back on me  
All members collectively ousted me from family  
Thirst aspect of betrayal included attempts to hurt me

August 31, 2010 Love is many things, but among them, love is the gift of giving

September 2, 2010 Fitting into a new life  
Because of their choice or inability for they don't know me at all  
I hope that someone will remember me by my name after I pass on  
Thinking of ways to interact with society  
Few will ever miss me or even know my name

September 5, 2010 Less than equal in the company of Jeremy and Annie

September 6, 2010 Still hoping that Annie will call me by my name

September 7, 2010 Letter to Adam  
Rekindling a former family relationship was scary for me

September 7, 2010 Letter to SJ about Adam wanting to re-establish communications  
I am not ready to trust people who have left me  
Few people understand the loneliness and hardship we go through

September 14, 2010 Spending moratorium...delay of electrolysis  
I have made it a habit to smile and say 'Hello, beautiful' to myself each day

September 16, 2010 But we lack trust because we require safety  
I cannot trust that the people I might meet in person  
Violence is but a stone's throw away from intolerance  
To be told that you are loved can be as medicinal as penicillin

September 18, 2010 Sexual fantasy

September 19, 2010 My life is a composite of a different character and my own

September 21, 2010 Tiny crumbs of joy are the usual fare

September 25, 2010 I was at the threshold of learning that I am not a lesbian at all

September 29, 2010 Teenage Prom fantasy

October 2, 2010 Early feelings about femininity  
A character trait – femininity describes a part of who we are

October 14, 2010 Falling in love with SJ  
Your 'soul mate' is the youthful dream that everyone shares

October 16, 2010 How could I love someone that I have never met?  
I needed to adjust to the idea that another could love me

October 17, 2010 As a group, we live lesser lives in fear of violence  
Intolerance weakens society generally  
As society evolves or decays, there can be two outcomes

October 21, 2010 Tribute to Annie  
Support for SJ's support website  
Stand together or we will be at the edge of society  
Easy for most to look away while some have rights taken  
I fail at trying to understand how others can feel so heartless  
We can all shelter one another with love for one another

October 31, 2010 Fundamental flaw: minorities are discriminated by majority  
Through acceptance that one feels the restoration of dignity  
Acceptance will come through interaction with others  
It is here that my dignity is restored

November 19, 2010 She should have been more supportive of me to my former family

November 24, 2010 Effortless, sustaining, reinforcing, natural, binding, beautiful  
Thanksgiving and plans to meet SJ in ten days

December 5, 2010 I drove five-hundred miles to meet SJ for the first time

December 13, 2010 That she like and cares for me is the highest appreciation

December 19, 2010 Helped me to restore and to validate my feeling about myself  
The path family had chosen and its flaws

December 21, 2010 I wondered re the effect of coming clean on myself and others  
Friends helped me to grow into the best person I can be  
Life always manages to surprise us  
Life brings us together when we needed each other the most

December 24, 2010 She is embarrassed by what I am  
Degrading to me, that they treat me less than equally

December 26, 2010 Falling in love with SJ...first note to Bella  
Love: It makes me cry, and it makes me cry

December 27, 2010 Adam saw me for the first time as Natalae  
Only acceptance restores dignity – letter to Adam  
Gays and lesbians will have equal rights and dignity first

December 28, 2010 Adam wondered 'why' Annie puts up with me

January 8, 2011 A poem that I wrote for Bella

January 13, 2011 Life is short and painful when not lived to our potential  
I just don't 'fit in' and don't deserve to be in the same society  
I feel dignity with them  
If this story were taught, they might know how dignity feels

January 20, 2011 Being made to feel disrespected is a crime  
The technology is sufficient to allow the healing

January 21, 2011 A symbiotic sorority of giving and sharing that strengthens us  
I'll stand with every woman against those who subjugate them  
A territorial right: a place to gather to support one another  
Intelligence and wisdom are not requisite for decision making  
Stand our ground to those who think inequality is fine  
Subjugation of women is never right

January 22, 2011 Some women are cynical of the concept of Sisterhood  
You live within me and have become a part of who I am  
Electrolysis  
I am an emergency case for Macy's

January 29, 2011 I am a person who deserves the respect that any stranger deserves  
I will be happier left alone than to be forced out of my home  
There are two conditions that will cause me to leave

February 6, 2011 If I let my pride win, I will trust others less  
I refuse to be reduced to the least common denominator  
A better society – one where most of us care for one another  
The difference between forgiveness and indifference

February 10, 2011 I left on my second trip to see SJ and her father

February 11, 2011 Annie's note – "Say hello to Ellie"

February 16, 2011 Divorce

February 17, 2011 Divorce

February 19, 2011 Finding emotional strength on EP  
We all know that we are never alone, and never without love  
We can best face life by facing it together

February 20, 2011 The love between us and those who pass never die  
Abby called Annie to congratulate her for deciding to divorce  
Telling SJ about insecurity and praying for Sisters  
We are fragile for our perceived relative value as people  
Respect and dignity are needed for self-fulfillment

March 3, 2011 Sometimes we cry for how much we will miss each other  
Love is all about giving  
Annie went to the Emergency Room this morning  
Only then, when I live my true self, will I have a life fulfilled  
It is the first time she used my name – a first sign of respect

March 6, 2011 I wish I could let go of Annie as she has let go of me  
Love and beauty  
Sisterhood

March 14, 2011 We could both search but fail to fill needs we have met

March 20. 2011 Share their life with you AS IT HAPPENS  
Honesty is a pillar in a relationship once violated, trust is gone  
I cannot live without respect  
I feel as though she thinks that I am less a person than she  
We have values for which we stand resolute in defense of self

March 26, 2011 We condone negative actions if we fail to oppose them  
Simple truths help us to crystallize the patterns we see

March 27, 2011 The idea I cause her lethargy makes me wish for eternal sleep  
My life is what it is, and I need to accept and rejoice in it

April 4, 2011 I am at a crossroad...paralyzed from acting

April 5, 2011 I would like to think myself an author of her own parts  
I can make someone happy or have a life of secure emptiness  
Perhaps my partner may be happier without me someday

April 7, 2011 Wishing that I had all if the early years to recall as a girl  
There is nothing I can do to change my personal history

April 10, 2011 Personally, friends are as important to self-improvement

April 13, 2011 When the idea of 'us' faded, Annie said she would not let me sit

April 24, 2011 Children – you have them forever – even if they leave you

April 29, 2011 I am secure, but as in a prison, for I am not free to be myself  
My greatest worry is if I die before my name is changed  
Politics of equality in a democracy  
Personal greed fed a continuous loop of money and power  
The potential for the holocaust as few see value in most of us

April 30, 2011 Societal rewards for greed vs. giving  
The value of a country isn't measured by how we treat the rich

May 1, 2011 Fear of limitations of treatment for being born 'girl-in-a-boy'

May 3, 2011 Annie and I have renewed our commitment as life partners  
Social/political fear

May 8, 2011 Social support and limitations for transition  
In this life we are defined by others  
Others define us by images and feelings our name evokes  
Engaging society vs. Annie's shame and fear of hate crime  
'Honey Man' – how lonely and isolated I can feel sometimes  
The people we meet are the people we are enriched by  
Annie's and James' relationship

May 11, 2011 Lonely and depressed  
Annie has become more accepting of me

May 14, 2011 Feeling my insecurities through rejection by others fade

May 22, 2011 SN allows my life to have some meaning  
Balancing the pain to other with personal gain

May 25, 2011 Sometimes, it is critical to be able to say that someone cares

May 29, 2011 It is the perspective of others about us that are most accurate  
Intolerant attitudes and violent behavior  
Fear diminishes as one advances upward in social acceptance  
Speak out – we condone the acts of others if we say nothing  
If I become a victim of violence, I will draw attention to him/her  
Let all of us everywhere learn to love one another as our equal  
Accept our responsibility to speak out against inequality  
The life which I have is what I am supposed to have  
As more of us speak out, fewer people will feel marginalized  
Acceptance I have found in your company  
Interest in helping other

June 2, 2011 Recognizing negative social trends

June 3, 2011 Fear of changes to our society that deepen cultural incivility

June 4, 2011 Those who think others less than equal lack compassion  
Annie looked back to see me in a different light  
Imagery used to deal with nightly fears  
Reason vs. belief re: Adam and Abby  
Support that I enjoy from my sister and my mother  
Changing my personal fears to a desire to advocate for change  
SJ moving on helped Annie see me more clearly

June 5, 2011 Reason vs. belief  
Visualizing an accepting culture  
My financial support for Annie strengthened our relationship

June 17, 2011 First time in the company of Annie and Jeremy and his friend

June 18, 2011 I was with Annie and her son in public as Natalae

June 19, 2011 Annie said she should have been more supportive

June 23, 2011 Feeling accepted by others as a 'turning point'

June 25, 2011 Still – only with the emergence of our true selves can we live  
The value that we bring to our society is equal to everyone's  
It is better to live my life with honesty and dignity

June 25, 2011 What is life if not struggle and love? Life is abundant for us

June 26, 2011 We are all fortunate...perception of personal beauty  
The challenges we overcome make rewards even sweeter  
The Creator doesn't make mistakes – each created in her image  
We are given our lives with purpose and experiences to teach  
'What you are – Beautiful...perception of personal beauty

June 28, 2011 I wish I knew...to love each other for what we bring to humanity  
I don't leave friends. Friends saved me. Friends are forever.

July 2, 2011 I sometimes think about motherhood  
In reality, some of have to be dishonest, some or all of the time?  
They have turned their pain into anger  
Marlena brings continuity be being flesh-and-blood family  
The loss of family nearly killed me  
I can never stop loving my children, but trust changed to fear  
I watched them leave. My father removed me from his will.  
I remember my family acting in unison simplified it for them  
I wonder how my children can resolve the loss of our love  
Trust – a day to earn, a second to lose and an eternity to regain

July 3, 2011 The compassion of friends insures no one suffers too much  
I am a 'feminist' and I am proud to say so  
Aside from...adapting to the pa male  
Associate negative images with the word 'feminist'  
I would define the word 'feminist'  
Equality means that we are equal, or the opposite will be true  
Our progeny will look back at all of the unfairness that was  
None of us are equal unless we all are  
We need to invent plans for our equality  
I can see a better world...reward those who care

July 4, 2011 Whenever we see discrimination, speak out

July 5, 2011 Full life measured by our capacity to survive  
In either case, the gift of the essence of you will live

July 6, 2011 What is best in life...my friends  
Love knows, love grows, love remembers, love lives forever

July 6, 2011 Welcoming me into her family and friends

July 9, 2011 Maybe 'Tea Party' is greasing the path to those dark times  
It's a place where walls vanish acceptance by all of each of us

July 10, 2011 The truth when we tell someone who we are  
Living life with conditions is denying my true self to life at all  
Noble is to make life generally better for those who follow us  
I told Annie when I could not live as I had  
I think some negative issues balance escape from personal torment  
For me, I needed courage to stand up for me  
The cost for security and companionship is time I must hide  
I often write life is about love and struggle

July 16, 2011 What joy to appreciate the wonders that we missed out on  
No requirement for 'flesh and blood'

July 24, 2011 I am no longer captivated by distracting interests  
We are more when we share of ourselves  
We can cope by sharing a burden yet joy is cumulative  
Self-awareness plus compassion, friendships and love  
A passion I had for most of my life was to hide from myself  
Coincidences, people and inspiration happen as they are meant to  
We are more than the sum of each of us as long as we share

July 31, 2011 To respect those who disrespect you promotes bad behavior

August 6, 2011 Life 'happens' while we're busy making plans  
Everywhere is the land of responsibility to help those in need  
Capitalism does not forgive the absence of compassion  
Cruelty...none of us are free from it until we all are  
Our society can only evolve when we all learn to 'speak out'  
I know failure to evolve socially leads to a horrible history  
I wonder...interpret religious texts than to rationalize

August 8, 2011 I fear that women are being led from what makes us so special  
Her striving for equality but feminist has been demonized  
There has yet to be invented...a new game  
A path which maintains our identity as women over time

August 8, 2011 Women's visions of the future where the best of human traits  
Again, I AM equal...I demand equality and respect for all  
I want daughters to thrive by expressing themselves honestly  
Why can't we think of a better alternative to war?  
Maybe capitalism is the lens through which bosses view traits  
We are responsible for how everyone is treated  
War is dumb  
None of us are free from being victims until we all are  
A constructive way to solve a problem other than war

August 13, 2011 Last night Annie took me shopping and out to dinner  
I cannot accept how things are or how they will change  
I will not allow myself to disappoint people

August 17, 2011 Nothing else more important than to be remembered honestly  
Hope should be kept alive that suffering for us can end

August 20, 2011 Count on me and your friends to help you to find the strength

August 26, 2011 The first time that I have been 'hit on'  
I have gotten close to a place of indifference  
Never, Never, Never Quit

August 28, 2011 Presenting to others that they can accept comes at our expense  
I am not able to be myself at work  
I makes me sick to think that we could end up living as we had

September 1, 2011 I cannot have children!  
I have no children...my children don't see me as their parent

September 3, 2011 In good company with those who understand and accept us  
Teach values to prevent horror that history has recorded  
The time has come for a sustainable cultural renaissance  
Irrelevancy was where I had come to write about quality

September 4, 2011 Success – it exists a hypothetical economic and social system

September 15, 2011 For what many couples have, we have what few others do

September 18, 2011 First, transgendered is a catchall phrase  
Dysphoria is no small think  
I once proclaimed that I am a lesbian...I am not so sure now  
I love Annie more holistically now  
I will escape the need for men's clothing...I hope someday

September 18, 2011 Sex [physical characteristics] vs. Gender  
There are no winners. Transsexualism is all about surviving.

September 24, 2011 Beliefs don't challenge thinking or reasoning.  
Beliefs persist only under threat  
Reason is created by god. Worship trivializes reason.  
Let it be women who say GET REAL about equality.

September 30, 2011 It is my mother and sister who accept me and love me  
Annie – my partner who struggled to find a new relationship

October 1, 2011 Write about equality and dignity, but my own reality differs

October 2, 2011 We used to have a greater trust when people have compassion

October 6, 2011 One of my dear friends on SN was attacked in her home

October 7, 2011 "All's fair in love and war" and whoever said "Life is fair?"  
Some are born with a feminine mind but occupy a male body  
Label cheapens the value of me...makes me less than equal  
People who think they are greater than equal pose a danger  
As a society need to restoring dignity through acceptance  
I am frightened by lessons not learned from a generation ago  
Everyone is saying 'yes' because they are not saying 'no'  
I feel a personal passion to speak out

October 14, 2011 The difference between indifference and forgiveness  
Honesty a value once violated...trust is gone  
The key for social change is changing our economic system  
Self-esteem – a personal attribute earned through action  
We need to take our rights for our children's children

October 16, 2011 Human culture is on a historic trajectory. No one is chained.

October 19, 2011 Spending moratorium for over a year

October 22, 2011 It was the first time out for weeks due to depression  
Janis has given me faith in unshakable friendships  
Definition of 'self' is a 'belief'  
No institution of 'self' is greater than any other  
You built this sanctuary to protect yourself

October 23, 2011 I picture an economic system based on equality

October 26, 2011 Testosterone driven brute force is the means to make choices.

October 30, 2011 Finally people are speaking out around the country

November 3, 2011 I have lost my biological family because of social stereotypes.  
Took all my courage to tell my employer the truth about me  
I HATE being improperly attired...life bleeds while pretending.  
Would be fine for me to be myself at work

November 4, 2011 I depend on our legal system them, for the memory of me

November 5, 2011 Creative ways to motivate economic activity

November 13, 2011 Our circle of compassion will make it easier for us to be accepted.  
Have patience to overcome destructive impulses

November 15, 2011 I wish others who follow our path could have the same access  
Someday, I hope society will understand our medical needs  
Our joy is usually met by losses in other areas of our life  
Less compassionate people describe us by 'what', not 'who'

November 17, 2011 Annie, for the first time, showed pride in me as her partner

November 19, 2011Corporate America is consolidating their political power

November 23, 2011 Each of us is not unlike other people that we see

December 1. 2011 I just couldn't make it alone  
We must accept the events of our lives – no regrets

December 2, 2011 Neither would someone who is shy want to live a lesser life

December 3, 2011 Depression and anxiety – taking medications

December 4, 2011 Deplorable behavior directed at Annie because of me

December 10, 2011 Others would only delight in my pain if I lost Annie  
Heartless and bigoted people cannot accept me as a person

December 17, 2011 Bringing your family into our lives

December 18, 2011 Five things about myself

December 19, 2011 I have been blessed by a family that is incomparable  
Define 'family'

January 7, 2012 Afraid to go anywhere and thoughts of dying or killing myself  
That fear of a likely attach is muted by blessings of friends

January 17, 2012 I can still dream the impossible dream of becoming a mother

January 18, 2012 We don't have to believe that, we just have to keep saying it

January 19, 2012 Wisdom begins with the lesson that our life is as it is  
Others are able to cope with greater burdens

January 20, 2012 I worry how Adam and Abby will internalize what they have done  
I cannot forgive, so I try to feel indifferent

January 28, 2012 I should be used to being rejected, but I haven't mastered that art

February 5, 2012 Even when there is no hope for change, we must still hope  
A life not guided or filtered by a mind's interpretation of time  
What matters here is not 'who' we are, but the spirits we love  
Understanding from knowledge, compassion, love  
We are all connected  
You cannot stop loving others  
Imagination is the structure of everything new and everlasting  
People are like trees – each has an open mind or belief system  
People who feel superior keep inequality among people alive  
Peace grows from love and goodwill grows from peace  
We each are obliged to become heroes to each other  
They all did [people do] what they could [can] do  
Hope the message of equality makes others aspire to same  
One's life is valued by how many other we love, like the sun  
Don't belittle, be EQUAL  
The greatest among us are equal to each of us

February 8, 2012 Accept was that Annie would not support me  
I really don't feel like I am in as hostile an environment

February 11, 2012 Therein lays reason for our own forgiveness

February 15, 2012 To love as much as I can  
Much of the fear I had is diminished to near zero

February 16, 2012 I will always fight and win when it comes to my name  
How I feel about myself was not possible for our ancestors  
Equality, acceptance and fairness for all people  
I probably would not have had the means to have survived

February 16, 2012 Joyful through strength by facing fear allowing myself to love  
There is difference between life and the physical laws

February 21, 2012 We still love who they were, we no longer know who they are

February 25, 2012 Why do you allow others to identify you as 'transgendered'?  
Moral obligation to love like the sun despite the consequences  
We are love and we are live  
Friends diminish of borders. It is 'people' for whom I care

March 3, 2012 Inspiration of my name  
Annie gave her blessing for me to live my live 100% as me  
Embrace of oneself is a selfish act and an act of generosity

March 8, 2012 Notice of intent to come out at work

March 15, 2012 You will feel whole when not made to feel less than whole  
All of us need each other for support sometimes

March 23, 2012 I had already been 'outted' by one of my aunts
