What's up with this new Mulan movie that
everyone's talkin' about. You know, people
were so excited for this movie.
It looked interesting. It looked new. It
looked original. It looked challenging. Oh wait...
It has been done before. And no one had a
problem with it. In fact, people loved it.
And now, Disney's prepared to ruin yet
another childhood classic.
Should I even give a spoiler warning?
Because honestly, there's nothing in this
movie to spoil.
Whether or not you've seen it, this
video is for you. Anyways, let's talk
about the new Mulan.
First of al, I paid thirty dollars for
this movie. And, you know, for thirty
dollars,
I, at least, expected Disney, of all
companies, Disney to make something that
looked, at the very least,
good. Passable. And, believe it or not, this
movie is the most expensive movie ever
made by a female director. With a budget
of 200 million dollars, you'd expect it
to look at least
good, right? Blade Runner 2049 had a
smaller budget of 185 million dollars,
and that movie was visually orgasmic. I
am righ. Well, whoop-de-fucking-doo,
this 200 million dollar movie looks like
dogshit. I don't understand what the critics
are buzzing about. Does that look like
real snow to you? Does that look like a
real landscape to you?
Does that...? Okay that looks fine. but I had
to sit through two hours
of astonishing inconsistency with the
way this movie looks. The fire isn't fire.
The sparrow isn't a sparrow. I know for a
fact
this movie could have looked way better
than it looks right now. Disney is
probably...
take that back...definitely the most
successful animation company this world
has ever seen.
They own the rights to the Marvel
Cinematic Universe, the Star Wars
Universe, etc etc.
What I'm saying is...they're filthy rich!
They probably have enough money to buy
the entire world! Yes!
The entire world! And they can't even
hire solid editors,
solid visual effects supervisors, solid
cinematographers to at least ensure that
their movies look
competent. For fuck's sake, man. Alright,
I've talked about how awful this movie
look. Let's talk about the writing.
"Crush these murderers! Your majesty..." A lot
of the dialogue in this movie
sucks. Corny. Insincere. Uninspired.
Cliched. But let's look at how the
conflict, the written conflict,
fares in this new adaptation compared to
the original. The new Mulan does a lot of
things differently from the original. In
fact, you can even say it's quite the
detour from the classic Disney princess
that we've all grown to know and love.
In the original Mulan, Mulan is someone
who's dedicated to bringing honor to her
family. She's loyal because she's willing
to protect her loved ones at all costs.
She's also vulnerable. She feels human.
The inherent dramatic question in the
original Mulan is, "Will Mulan be able to
find her true self
in order to find her place in such a
socially challenging society?" In the new
Mulan,
Mulan is a fucking superhero. And look, I
have nothing against female superheroes.
I think they're awesome.
The problem here though is how can
anyone relate to this new character? The
new internal conflict is,
"Can Mulan be her GREAT self in this
socially challenging society?" Do you see
the problem here?
The internal conflict devolved. It became
more simple-minded, less multi-layered.
And it feels forced. And my biggest
question is how
did they fuck it up? Disney, you had the
perfect template for
a really well-written story that works
so well in developing not just one
character, but multiple characters. Which
leads us to our next topic...
You cannot convince me that the new
villain in Mulan, the witch,
is a well-developed character. So just to
fill you guys in, there's a witch in this
movie and she's going through the exact
same conflict as Mulan. Except
instead of showing us the conflict, the
witch feels compelled
to constantly talk about her woes
anytime she's on screen. As if the viewer
was her fucking psychiatrist. How can a
character
be interesting if he or she constantly
spoon feeds his or her struggles with
the audience every time he or she is on
screen?
Where's the storytelling in that? First
of all, they took out Mushu. I think
that's a plus for some, a minus for
others. For me, Mushu gave the story its
lighthearted energy. But he also had a
story that complemented Mulan's arc
pretty well. Now what about the other
characters?
You see what I did there? You know, the
cricket's chirping because...you know...? Okay...
In all seriousness, there are no more
characters worth discussing. Seriously.
The dirt on Mulan's face was a better
character than most
or almost all of the characters in this
movie. Remember how cool Shan-Yu was in
the original movie? Well,
this fucking clown replaces him. They
could have at least made him more
interesting,
or more intimidating, or even funnier! No,
he was absolutely none of those.
What about Mulan's comrades, you ask?
They're so boring,
so uninteresting, so unfunny. Whereas the
original Mulan had some of the funniest
supporting characters
in any Disney movie I've ever seen! And
what works so well is that the most
important leads in the film share
similar arcs. They're all trying to
fulfill a role they believe that they
deserve. In other words, they complement
each other very well.
It's hard for children to get into a
movie with such unfunny and
uninteresting characters, right? So the
least they could have done was do the
iconic music some justice, right?
RIGHT?! Alright listen, I love the
original music from the original Mulan.
But did I really want to see Donnie Yen
suddenly drop his sword and start
yodeling "I'll Make a Man Out of You" with
his army? Not really. So what did this new
movie do?
They removed all the songs. Yes, that
could cause an uproar. But yeah,
they removed all of the iconic Mulan songs
that we've grown to love and that we
can't stop singing. They turned this movie
from a musical into a more
"serious" drama. I put "serious" in quotes
because it is mathematically impossible
for anyone to take this movie seriously
at all. But, I digress.
The new Mulan suffers from the same
weakness that the original Mulan had for
me.
And that weakness was too much
instrumental in the background. Listen, when you have music playing for almost
every second of the entire runtime of
the film, that music will be tuned out. So
what's the point,
right? Like why is their music even there?
Oh, I know why! It's because Western
audiences can't handle watching a movie
without music! You know, the music
underscoring the scenes and makes the
movies...
GLOSSIER! DREAMIER! MORE MAGICAL! CHEERIER!
Why would you implement a musical score
so arbitrarily, so
liberally, so randomly, when the music of
this movie has the potential to work,
within certain moments in certain scenes,
in extremely powerful and emotionally
compelling ways?
The overuse of background music becomes
exhaustive. And frankly, it's a waste of
someone's talent and time. If you're
gonna take out the iconic songs that
everyone can sing along to, you might as
well take out the
random unnecessary background
instrumentals too, right? Because now the
musical production
is even more of a waste of time!
Is this movie worth 30 dollars? Fucking
no. Seriously.
I think it's become abundantly clear
that within these past few years,
Disney has not really stepped their game
up in putting out original stories. And
they should! They really should!
Instead, they rely on what's worked in
the past and they remake it in a way
that fits
modern audiences' tastes! And usually, or
quite frequently, or almost all the time,
the result is they end up tarnishing the
legacy of the original predecessor that
many children have grown to love.
I find it hilarious that they wasted 10
years to make this movie,
only for audiences to realize that those
10 years and the 200 million dollars spent on this
movie was a massive waste of time and
money. This movie, at its best, was
very mediocre. And, at its worst, was
laughably poor. The new Mulan made me
feel
nothing. And it was frankly a
disappointment because it didn't do the
original animated film any sort of
justice,
nor was it even good enough to be
recognized as its own
great standalone film. I'm gonna give
Mulan two fuckin' stars,
not just for wasting two hours of my
time, but for wasting thirty dollars out
of my wallet.
