[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>>> IN SPACE NEWS, SPACEX
LAUNCHED A ROCKET INTO ORBIT
CARRYING THE CREMATED REMAINS OF
A HUNDRED PEOPLE.
UNFORTUNATELY, THEY WEREN'T
CREMATED WHEN IT LAUNCHED.
>>> TWO NEW STUDIES ABOUT
ACCELERATED GREENHOUSE EMISSIONS
FIND THAT THE EARTH WILL BE
IMPACTED BY GLOBAL WARMING
SOONER THAN WE THOUGHT.
I MEAN, GOD BLESS THESE
SCIENTISTS AND RESEARCHERS THAT
ARE STILL STUDYING THIS THING
THAT WE JUST REFUSE TO LISTEN
TO.
WE'RE LIKE A STUBBORN OLD MAN AT
THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE AND THEY'RE
PLEADING WITH US, "SIR, YOU
GOTTA QUIT SMOKING."
"KISS MY ASS, I LIKE CIGARS."
WELL, THAT WAS SHORT.
>>> KEVIN HART HAD TO STEP DOWN
AS HOST OF THE UPCOMING AWARDS
BECAUSE OF HOMOPHOBIC TWEETS IN
2011.
DIDN'T THE ACADEMY NOMINATE MEL
GIBSON FOR AN AWARD JUST LAST
YEAR?
ALSO, IF KEVIN -- THANK YOU.
I LOVE WHEN THERE'S A BLACK LADY
IN THE AUDIENCE.
ALSO, IF KEVIN HART ISN'T CLEAN
ENOUGH TO HOST THE OSCARS, THEN
NO BLACK COMIC IS.
THE ONLY BLACK COMIC I KNOW
THAT'S CLEANER THAN KEVIN HART
IS BOOKED FOR THE NEXT THREE TO
TEN YEARS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>>> AN ACAPELLA GROUP AT
PRINCETON UNIVERSITY HAS STOPPED
PERFORMING THE SONG "KISS THE
GIRL" FROM "LITTLE MERMAID"
AFTER THE STUDENT NEWSPAPER SAID
THE LYRICS PROMOTE TOXIC
MASCULINITY.
ALSO, IT JUST SUCKS TO HEAR A
BUNCH OF WHITE GUYS SING LIKE A
JAMAICAN CRAB.
>>> A NEW VERSION OF BULL
FIGHTING HAS STARTED IN CHINA,
IN WHICH PARTICIPANTS USE THEIR
HANDS INSTEAD OF SWORDS.
THAT'S HOW MANY EXTRA PEOPLE
THEY HAVE.
>>> A BRITISH VERSION OF
"RuPAUL'S DRAG RACE" WILL BEGIN
AIRING NEXT YEAR ON THE BBC.
AND BECAUSE IT'S ENGLAND, THEIR
PENISES WILL BE TUCKED TO THE
RIGHT SIDE.
>>> A MAN IN FLORIDA WHO WAS
ARRESTED FOR SELLING MARIJUANA
CLAIMED THAT HE WAS ONLY DOING
IT TO BUY BETTER CHRISTMAS GIFTS
FOR HIS CHILDREN.
REPLIED HIS CHILDREN, "JUST GIVE
US THE WEED, DAD."
>>> A UTAH MAN WAS ARRESTED
AFTER HE GOT INTO AN ARGUMENT
AND HAMMERED AN ICE PICK THROUGH
THE OTHER MAN'S PENIS.
HEY, IT'S LIKE THEY SAY, NEVER
BRING A PENIS TO AN ICE PICK
FIGHT.
