Hello, I’m Alan Moore. Writer, shaman.
Of comics, that is.
They’re sold by weight, do you want half a kilo of comics?  There you go, Watchmen.
Look.
Comicbook geeks lose their shit at this.
Nerds!
They’re wankers for the most part. Misfits.
They would like to have a girlfriend but they are too ashamed to open their mouths when they come close to a girl.
Say something to her, say something to her.
So they wouldn’t dare, go home, jerk off, get their hands on Watchmen and it would blow their minds.
That’s my target, so to say.
Moore stare.
This is one of my most ambitious comic books.
I spent 10 years writing this.
After this I wouldn’t even feel like having tea.
This is a huge hodgepodge, huge, huge hodgepodge
don’t you think you can get through this in an afternoon,
you have to read, go back and even then you won’t understand a lot of things.
This is like a filling food.
This…
Which page was it?
214.
*Mumbling*
Aftertaste.
You get an aftertaste when there is so much information.
If you eat a page of The family circus you won’t.
There’s nothing there, nothing,
it’s all silliness, the parents got mad and  wouldn’t get a bike for the kids, but this?
From Hell is really hard to swallow, it really is!
When I turned 40 I decided to become a magician.
Wearing 19th century style velvet jackets and a vest.
My beard and hair were naturally permed.
And this is by no means lightweight.
In August in Northampton, damn it’s boiling hot!
My beard keeps me warm in the winter, though.
I sometimes find bread pieces or chips in it and I eat them.
I was married before, to…
To a wom…
I mean I was married to…
I must have pressed “delete”. I can’t recall.
But I have the name written down somewhere.
And I remember one day I came to this note at home:
“Alan, your dinner’s on the microwave.
By the way, now I’m a lesbian”.
Dinner was cold sardines;
about the lesbian issue, well, I was shocked.
And she in fact brought her girlfriend to live with us and the three of us went with it.
Sharing household duties helps a lot.
It helps a lot, you do something, I do something else.
Hey, who was in charge of the dishes, who had to do whatever?
Good.
But then I would lose my temper for minor things.
What are you girls doing in there?
Napping!
Napping?
Napping my ass!
So mad. Mad Moore.
Mad Moore, I have been mad a lot time and again.
I usually get along with cartoonists, but sometimes I got mad at some guy on the phone and hung up on him.
Mad Moore.
That’s it, I’m not speaking to you anymore, no matter how many times you call.
Are you coming to the London Comic Con?
No.
Last time I checked my place was as far to the Comic Con that Comic Con is to my place, you know what I mean?
You want to come, then come to Northampton.
Northampton is beautiful in May.
We celebrate May Day every May 1st.
And so we go and it’s beautiful, Northampton is all festooned, everyone brings flowers.
I sometimes do something specially for that,
with flowers, I write “magic” or something like that.
I like being at home.
It’s not like I used to go out when I was younger.
I went to Andorra once, to buy a dual cassette player.
But,
I do travel to the 4th dimension quite often.
4th dimension, if there’s a long weekend ahead there I go,
I’m building townhouses there.
It really is a good deal, it’s like a real estate company on the 4th dimension.
Those are the only trips I take.
I roll a joint.
A green arrow.
I smoke it and I laugh my ass off in the sofa, under the influence.
Alan Moore!
Come to daddy, come to daddy.
Did you see the way it came to me, the way it moved that feather?
Alan Moore!
When I stumble upon a geeky fan,
he would usually touch my shoulder
with his misfit finger.
You comic book geeks, I’m telling you, Alan Moore, you are dumb as fuck!
Dumb as fuck!
You have no idea,
your head is full of stupid things.
Go study a professional module, or a degree or something,
don’t you waste your time in comic books.
See, a guy looking at us.
What are you looking at?
There is just too many people with just too much spare time.
They pay my bills.
I write comic books for people with just too much spare time.
Do you think he left?
No, he didn’t, look again.
There he is.
Why?
Because staring is free, of course.
So there's that.
I still can tell he’s there.
Of course he is.
He has nothing else to do.
He will probably go somewhere else in a while, kick a can and call it a day.
This is Alan Moore, in case you bite off more than you could chew!
I’m one of a kind!
