Onion News Network
Publishers of Time magazine announced 
that they'll soon be releasing a new version
of their magazine for adults.
Readers who grew up loving the magazine's
bright glossy photos,
news by the numbers and simple 
to understand stories,
will now be able to graduate 
to Time Advanced.
Instead of Time's Breezy, 
kid friendly summaries,
Advanced boasts a more mature tongue, 
aimed at an audience ready for grown up news.
While kids love Time for it's fun articles
about litter and new kinds of dinosaurs,
managing editor Kerry Larson 
explained that Time Advanced, 
will look to distinguish itself with
carefully researched, long form journalism,
in a smaller adult sized font.
Time is and always will be 
a magazine for children.
Time Advanced however is for 
more sophisticated readers,
who prefer book reviews that don't just tell
you whether to read, skim or toss 
that newest book on climate change.
Educators have long praised Time 
for making current events accessible 
for kids with short attention spans 
and growing vocabularies.
Building on that reputation, 
while producing content, 
fit for readers old enough to drive a car,
will be key to the new venture's success.
I used to think Time was cool, 
but I guess I kind of grew out of it.
I mean none of my friends want to read
a bunch of out of touch trend pieces
about virginity pledges.
Time is my favorite. 
They always talk about Lady Gaga
and the changing pace 
of depression in America. 
Larson assured loyal fans that regular Time 
remain committed to fun journalism for kids,
with all of the colorful info boxes,
and leads stories about how
Taylor Swift is one the hundred people
who most effect our world.
But the company's change 
in focus to adult news,
has led to some shake ups 
at the children's publication.
Richard Sherman who has written columns, 
 as the beloved children's character,
Joe Klein,
is leaving the magazine to join the cast 
of the PBS show Dragon Fly TV.
In other news, the FDA has grudgingly
approved drinking more, 
as a cure for morning hangovers.
Still ahead
this hour
Michelle Bachmann to star 
in congress spin-off
