 
### A Man Walks Into a Bar....

A Compendium of Filthy, Uncouth, Lewd, Lusty and Lascivious Jokes.

Written, Compiled, Borrowed and Stolen by Rob Loughran

Copyright Rob Loughran, 2011

Published on Smashwords by

BUBBA CAXTON BOOKS, a division of FOUL MOUTHED BARD PRESS

P.O. Box 2344

Windsor, California 95492

www.robloughranbooks.com

All rights reserved

No part of this publication can be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, without permission in writing from the publisher, with the exception of excerpts used in reviews.

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This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you're reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

***

#  INTRODUCTION

What's the difference between an engineering major, a finance major, and an English major?

An engineering major says: How can we build it?

A finance major says: What will it cost?

An English major says: Would you like fries with that?

I've spent the last thirty-nine years (B.A. in English, Sonoma State University, 1977) asking people Would you like fries with that?, raising a family, trying to eke out a living as a writer, waiting tables and living life. Years ago I started writing down jokes I heard, in the bars and restaurants I've worked, on napkins and beer mats. This book is the scum off the pond of my life as a waiter and bartender. It's nasty, but never forget; scum is nasty, but also teeming with life and possibilities.

And remember, what Aristotle said, The gods, too, are fond of a joke.

#  TABLE OF CONTENTS

A MAN WALKS INTO A BAR

ANIMALS, ANIMALS, ANIMALS

ASSORTED

BLONDE

CUCUMBERS and SHEEP

DEAD BABIES, ELEPHANTS, and HELEN KELLER

DIRTY JOHNNY

DOCTORS and LAWYERS

GAY and LESBIAN

JUMBLED JOKES

LEPERS, CANNIBALS, and MICHAEL JACKSON

LOVE and MARRIAGE

MISCELLANEOUS

OLD AGE

POTPOURRI

QUADRIPLEGIA, LIGHTBULBS, and 69

REDNECK

RELIGION

SPORTS

UNRELATED

#  A MAN WALKS INTO A BAR...

An old man walks into a bar and the barkeep says, "What's new?"

The old guy says, "I think my wife died."

"You think?"

"Yeah. The sex is the same but the dishes are piling up."

***

A man who just moved to Seattle walks into the local bar and orders a triple scotch. "Troubles?" asks the bartender.

"I think my wife is having an affair with a younger man."

"Why do you think that?"

"Because we just moved to Seattle from Dallas and we have the same paperboy."

***

A man walks into a bar and says, "Champagne for everybody. On me."

"What are you celebrating?" asks the bartender.

"I've just discovered why women have pubic hair."

"Why?"

"It hides the hook."

***

A man walks into a bar, orders 12 shots of Jim Beam and starts sucking them down. "Hey Buddy," says the bartender, "slow down."

"You'd drink like this if you had what I have."

"What's that?"

The man finishes his last shot and sprints for the door, saying, "No money."

***

A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Jim? Lend me $150, it's an emergency."

"Emergency my ass. You'll spend it gambling."

"Seriously. My wife's sick and I need $150 for the insurance deductible."

"Seriously; you'll spend it gambling."

"Fuck you, I got gambling money."

***

Two brothers, who married twins, walk into a bar and order a pitcher of Michelob. "So what did you get Cindy for her birthday?" asks the older brother.

The younger brother says, "I got her a diamond necklace and a BMW."

"Why two gifts?"

"If she doesn't like the diamond necklace she'll have a brand new car to drive to the jewelry store and exchange it. What did you get Wendy?"

"A pair of pink fuzzy slippers and a carrot."

"That's an odd combo."

"Not really. I figure if she doesn't like the slippers she can fuck herself."

***

A woman walks into a bar with a toy poodle on a leash. She sits down at the bar and orders a martini. A drunk walks up to the bar and vomits all over the dog. The drunk looks down at the dog and says, "I really don't remember eating that."

***

A realtor walks into a bar and says, "Give me a scotch. Double."

"Problems at work?" asks the bartender.

"If I don't sell more houses this month I'm going to lose my ass." He notices a young lady two stools down and says, "Sorry for the obscenity."

"That's okay," she says, "if I don't sell more ass this month I'm going to lose my house."

***

A man walks into a bar and orders a Tanqueray martini. He slams it down, looks in his shirt pocket and orders another. He repeats this five times, then asks for the tab. The bartender totals it up and says, "Why do you examine the contents of your pocket after each drink?"

"I have a picture of my wife in there. When she starts looking good I go home and fuck her."

***

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. He finishes the beer as the country-western-bar-band finishes their labored, off-key rendition of Your Cheatin' Heart. He yells, "Hey, do you guys take requests?"

"Sure," says the lead singer. "What do you want us to play?"

"Chess, soccer, hide-and-go-seek: anything except those fucking instruments."

***

A sailor walks into a waterfront bar and sits next to a pirate that has a wooden leg, an eyepatch, and a hook. "How'd you lose your leg?" asks the sailor.

"Shark."

"Your arm?"

"Swordfight."

"Your eye?"

"A seagull shit in me eye."

"You lost your eye to seagull shit?"

"No. It was me first day with me hook."

***

A man walks into a bar and orders a Chivas on the rocks. The bartender says, "Hey, didn't you run for Congress a couple years back?"

"Yes I did."

"So what are you doing these days?"

"Nothing. I got elected."

***

A man walks into a bar with an octopus. "Hey," says the bartender, "no cephalopods allowed."

"This is a talking octopus—"

"That's right," says the octopus.

"—who can also play any musical instrument."

"Bullshit," says the bartender.

"Bet you $1000?"

"You're on." The bartender takes a banjo off the wall and hands it to the octopus. Immediately Camptown Races is heard. The bartender takes a bugle off the wall and immediately Taps is heard. The bartender takes a set of bagpipes off the wall and nothing. The octopus is twining and enveloping and caressing the pipes. But no sound emerges from the instrument.

"C'mon," says the octopus' owner, "play it!"

"Play it? As soon as I get it out of these plaid pajamas I'm going to fuck it."

***

A man walks into a bar and orders a double Hennessey. "Problems at home?" asks the bartender.

"The wife."

"Well," says the bartender, "all I can tell you is that marriage is a barrel that's filled halfway with honey and the rest of the way with shit."

The man finishes his drink and says, "I must have opened my barrel upside down."

***

A man walks into a bar and orders a glass of chardonnay. "Here's a new joke," he says to the bartender, "two Jews are walking down the street—"

"I'm Jewish," says the bartender, "and I'm tired of hearing Jewish jokes. Pick on some other religion."

"Okay. Two Buddhists are walking down the street. One says to the other, 'So there we were, at my nephew's bar mitzvah...'"

***

A woman walks into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender asks, "Anything exciting happen on your blind date last night?"

"Yes. His fucking dog bit me."

***

A Scotsman walks into a bar and drinks until he passes out. The cocktail waitress lifts his kilt and as a joke ties a blue ribbon around his schlong. An hour later he awakes and goes to the bathroom. He discovers the ribbon while standing in front of the urinal. He says, "I don't know where you've been Laddie, but apparently you won first prize."

***

A man walks into a bar and orders three shots of tequila. The bartender says, "Having troubles at home buddy?"

"Yeah," he said. "I'm jealous of all the time my Irish Setter spends with my wife."

"I can't believe you're jealous of a dog."

"I have my reasons."

"Like what?"

"The other night, I caught her douching with Gravy Train."

***

A man walks into a bar, orders a beer and starts crying. "What's wrong?" asks the bartender.

"My father just died."

"I'm so sorry. How did he die?"

"Peacefully. In his sleep."

"There's worse ways to go."

"I know. He could've gone screaming; like his passengers."

***

A drunk man walks out of a bar and hails a taxi. He clambers into the back seat and the driver says, "Where to buddy?"

"6426 Yale St."

"You got it."

After half-a-mile the drunk says, "Driver?"

"What?"

"You got enough room up there for a 12 pack of beer and a pepperoni pizza with extra cheese?"

"Sure I do."

The drunk leans over the seat, opens his mouth, and goes: "BAAAARRRRRRRFFFF!"

***

Two gynecologists walk into a bar. Each of them orders a beer. The first one says, "I had a 19 year old patient this morning with a clitoris like a pickle."

"Green like a pickle or big like a pickle?"

"Sour like a pickle."

***

A lady walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "My husband has lost all interest in love making. Every night, I wear his favorite nightgown; high in the front and low in the back. It used to drive him crazy when he saw me in it."

The bartender says, "Put it on backwards tonight. It'll have a lower front and a higher back. It'll mix things up a little bit."

"I'll try that," she pays, tips and leaves.

She walks into the bar the next day and says, "It didn't work."

"Really?" says the bartender

"Yeah. I walked out of the bathroom and said, 'Sweetheart, do you notice anything different tonight?' He said, 'I sure do. The skid marks are on the front of your nightgown.'"

***

A man walks into his local bar and orders a $165 bottle of Cabernet. "Excellent choice sir," says the bartender.

"Just don't tell my business partner when he comes in later that I ordered this bottle of wine."

"Why?"

"Because I owe him $34,000."

***

A man walks into a bar and the bartender says, "You've lost weight since you started your new job. Are you on a diet?"

"No," he says. "I'm on commission."

***

A man wheels himself into a bar. He has two broken legs. "Jerry," asks the bartender, "what happened to you?"

"It was my wife's birthday last week and she wanted something that went from 0 to 200 in under six seconds."

"You dumbshit," says the bartender, "you bought her a motorcycle, then borrowed and crashed it."

"Worse," says Jerry. "I bought her a bathroom scale."

***

A woman walks into a bar and orders a mimosa. A man sits next to her and says, "I'd love to get into those panties of yours."

"Flattering," she says, "but I've got one asshole in there already."

***

A man walks into a bar and has three beers. His bladder is bursting so he goes to the restroom. He walks into the bathroom and sees a young man washing his hands at the sink. Two men who have followed him into the bathroom approach the young man and pull down his pants. One of them starts sucking his cock and the other one starts fucking him in the ass. The man exits and describes to the bartender exactly what he saw. The bartender laughs and says, "That George! He's lucky at cards too."

***

A young punk rocker walks into a bar. His spiked hair is dyed orange, green, and blue. He settles onto a stool and says, "Jaegermeister."

The bartender doesn't pour the drink. He just continues to stare at the customer. The punk rocker finally says, "What's wrong asshole? Didn't you flaunt tradition when you were my age?"

"I sure did. As a matter of fact one night in Mexico I got stoned on mushrooms and fucked a parrot. I just thought you might be my kid."

***

A man walks into a bar orders an MGD and sits next to an old friend. The friend says, "Where have you been? I haven't seen you in here in months."

"I've been working and going to night school."

"Why?"

"Because I don't want to be ignorant no more. Do you know when World War II started?"

"No."

"September 1st, 1939. Do you know who Eli Whitney was?"

"No."

"He invented the cotton gin. Do you know who Yuri Gagarin is?"

"No."

"He was the first man in space. See, you don't know nothing. You're ignorant."

"But I do know who Johnny 'Boom Boom' Parker is."

"Who's he?"

"He's the big-dick-motherfucker spending a lot of time with your wife while you're at night school."

***

A young man brings his fiancée into a bar to meet his parents. After drinks and jokes and laughter the parents leave. "I hope I made a good impression," she says.

"When you went to the bathroom, actually, mother said you were a bit uncouth."

"Uncouth?" says the fiancée. "Where in the fucking hell does she get kind of horseshit?"

***

A blonde stewardess walks into a bar and says, "A triple Grey Goose in a water glass. No ice."

The bartender pours the drink and says, "Are you okay? You're shaking."

"I just flew in from Portland. We had engine failure and went into a 30 second freefall before the pilot got the engine restarted."

Trying to make points the bartender says, "Did your entire sex life pass before your eyes?"

"Hell no," she said, "we only fell 15,000 feet."

***

René Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "Would you like a glass of wine?"

Descartes said, "I think not." And then he disappeared.

***

Two women on the prowl walk into a bar. They spot a handsome but glum looking guy sitting alone. One of them walks up to him and says, "You don't look happy."

"I just got out of jail," he says, "and I'm having trouble adjusting to life on the outside."

"Why were you in jail?"

"I beat my wife to death with a nine iron, dismembered her with a chainsaw, and fed her to the neighbor's Great Dane."

The woman signaled for her friend to come over, "He's single!"

***

Richard Simmons walks into biker bar with a parrot on a shoulder. All the muscular, tattooed bikers are slamming back shots of whiskey, when Richard announces, "Whoever can guess the weight of this parrot can take me upstairs and fuck me in the ass all night long."

A biker at the end of the bar yells out, "Two-and-a-half tons!"

"Close enough," says Richard. "We have a winner."

***

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, "How was your date with the Gunther twins."

He sipped his beer, "Okay."

"Did you have a good time?"

"Yes and no."

***

The local palm reader walks into a bar and orders a glass of champagne. The bartender serves it and asks, "How's business?"

"Medium."

***

An old man walks into a bar for his afternoon drink. "How's life treating you, Mr. Miller?" asks the bartender.

"Pretty good. Me and my wife are having Social Security sex."

"Social Security sex?"

"Yeah, you know, we get a little each month, but not enough to live on."

***

"What did you do in Italy?" asks the bartender.

"You know the old saying, When in Rome do what the Romans do?"

"Yeah."

"I fucked an American tourist."

***

A man walks into a bar with his beautiful wife during happy hour. As they sip their beers, a progression of men strolls up and grabs the wife's ass. They feel her tits and stick their hands up her skirt. The bartender says, "Hey buddy, don't you see what everybody's doing to your wife?"

"Of course I do. But if I leave her home they just go over my place and fuck her."

***

A businessman walks into a bar and joins his client who says, "You're late."

"I know. I was walking over here and I saw three punks gang-raping my ex-wife."

"Jesus, did you stop to help?"

"No. I figured three of them could handle it."

***

A redneck walks into the local saloon and orders a shot and a beer. "So what have you been up to, Bobby," asks the bartender.

"Hanging out at the whorehouse."

"Getting' your rocks off?"

"Nope. Just visiting Ma and Sis."

***

A man walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey John, how was your 25th wedding anniversary?"

"Great. I took my wife to Disney World."

"What are you going to do on your 30th?"

"Well, I suppose I could go pick her up."

***

A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "What a beautiful bunch of women you have in here. That's a solid six over there."

The bartender said, "She's a one. Tops"

"Yeah, but check out that chica. She's at least an eight."

"Maybe a three."

"Are you crazy? If Bo Derek is a ten the one over there is at least an eight."

"Bo Derek? I rate them by how many Clydesdales it would take to drag them off my face."

***

A couple vacationing in Australia rents a Land Rover and takes a tour of the outback. They see three men fucking kangaroos and a man with a wooden leg masturbating. They return to the hotel bar and tell the bartender. "Nothing odd about that," he says, "how do you expect a man with a wooden leg to catch himself a roo?"

***

A man walks into a bar and the bartender says, "You just had oral sex with your wife didn't you?"

"Does my breath smell?"

"No."

"Pubic hair on my chin?"

"No."

"Then how do you know?"

"There's shit on your nose."

***

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. He says to the bartender, "I am going to miss you Charlie. I'm going to New York to continue my French horn lessons."

"How do you have the money to move to New York, let alone pay for French horn lessons?"

"All my neighbors chipped in."

***

Four golfing buddies walk into a bar, and order a round of Johnny Walker Black. They start bragging about their sons. The first one says, "Bill started out as a janitor in a real estate office, became an agent then a broker, and now he runs the place. He makes a high six-figure income and just gave one of his friends a house on a hill with an Olympic size swimming pool."

"My son Jack," says the second, "started out washing cars in the Mercedes dealership, but now he owns the dealership and just gave one of his friends a brand-new Mercedes convertible."

"My son Randy," says the third, "started out as a runner on the stock exchange and saved until he could purchase his own seat on the exchange and is now worth several million. In fact, he just gave one of his friends $200,000."

"To be honest with you, my son Bruce," says the fourth, "is rather a disappointment to me. He's a homosexual hair dresser, and he sleeps around like a whore. But on the plus side he must be pretty good at sucking cocks because his three new boyfriends gave him a Mercedes convertible, a house on a hill with an Olympic swimming pool, and $200,000."

***

Eighty year old Hal walks into a bar and orders a bourbon. "Where's Hank?" asks the bartender.

"Sad story, that," says Hal. "We've roomed together for decades, but I finally had to kick him out."

"Why?" asks the bartender.

Hal says, "The inconsiderate brute routinely smoked my cigars and drank my bourbon, but when he sat there and laughed at me with my own teeth it was the last straw."

***

Three politicians walk into a bar and have several drinks. Then the subject of sex comes up. The Republican says, "I like my wife on the bottom. That's the way God intended it to be."

"I like my wife on top," says the Independent. "In sex as well as in politics, I like to mix it up a little."

"I like my wife," says the Democrat, "to be out of town."

***

A chicken farmer walks into a bar and sits down next to a gorgeous young lady. He orders champagne. She's drinking champagne. He leans over and asks, "What are you celebrating?"

"I've been trying to get pregnant for years, and I just came from the doctor's. I'm pregnant."

"That's funny. We had these infertile chickens, and they finally started laying eggs and I'm in here celebrating."

"What do you attribute the change to?"

"I got a new cock."

"Funny. So did I."

***

A bear walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "What can I get for you?"

The bear says, "I'll have a gin and.....................tonic."

The bartender pours the drink and says, "What's with the pause?"

The bear says, "I was..................born with them."

***

After drinks at a singles bar the couple went home and got naked. He stuck his cock in and she started laughing. "What's so funny?"

She said, "It's just that your organ is so small."

"It's big enough," he said. "It just wasn't meant to be played in a fucking cathedral."

***

A man walks into a bar and orders a Budweiser. Immediately, every patron in the place, notices the stench of shit. The bartender walks up to the newcomer and says, "Hey buddy, I know this is a free country but you smell like shit and I have to ask you to leave."

"I'm sorry, but I smell because of my job."

"Do you work for the Sanitation Department?"

"No, I work for the circus. My job is to give all the elephants an enema before they enter the ring so that they don't shit in front of the crowd. It's a tricky business. You have to administer the enema then jump back out of the way before a tidal wave of shit comes pulsing out of the elephant's ass and drenches you."

"That sounds tough. How much do they pay?"

"Thirty-five dollars a week."

"Jesus, why don't you tell them to take their pittance and shove it up their ass."

"What! And give up show business?"

***

Colonel McBride walks into a bar in London and orders a Beefeaters on the rocks. "Please, Colonel McBride," says the bartender, "regale us with one of your stories of adventure from overseas. India perhaps?"

"We were trekking through the jungles of Bangladesh," says the Colonel, "when all of a sudden a Bengal Tiger appeared in our path. And he let out the mightiest roar I've ever heard. No movie soundtrack could do it justice: it sounded like ROOOAAARRRRRR! And, Jesus Christ, I shit myself."

"Who wouldn't have," says the bartender.

"No," said Colonel McBride. "Just right then. When I said ROOAAARR! I shit myself."

***

The hostess answers the phone and says to the bar manager, "The umpire who worked the Giant-Dodger game tonight wants to make dinner reservations for himself and two friends."

"Hang up on him."

"But..."

"Hang up on him. Now."

The hostess does and she says, "That was rude."

"No it wasn't. That was a crank call; there's no such thing as a professional baseball umpire with two friends."

***

A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Double shot of tequila. In fact, make it two double shots of tequila."

"Problems buddy?"

"Yeah. I have to divorce my wife."

"What for?"

"Yesterday was our anniversary. I took her to the Hyatt Regency and ordered a bottle of Dom Perignon."

"So?"

"I poured us each a glass and made a toast: To the finest piece of ass in the city."

"Perhaps a tad crude, but I see nothing wrong with that. Why are you going to divorce your wife?"

"Because three waiters, a busgirl, and the maître d' joined in on the on the toast."

***

A redneck walks into the city slicker bar and orders a jar of strawberry wine. The bartender pours it and says, "What do you do for a living Jethro, hunt possums?"

"No. I'm a professional pilot."

"Really? Who do you fly for?"

"I don't fly. My brother cuts the wood and I pile it."

***

A city slicker walks into a Texas bar in the frontier days. He doesn't even order a drink. He walks up to a lady sitting at the end of the bar and says, "I will give you ten bucks to suck my dick."

The bartender immediately pulls out a pistol and unceremoniously shoots the city slicker dead. The lady says, "Thank you, sir, for defending my honor."

"Fuck your honor lady. Ain't no city slicker gonna raise the price of cock sucking in Texas."

***

A man walks into a bar and orders a shot-and-a-beer before he realizes that he's in a gay bar. What the hell, he thinks, people are people and I really want a drink. The bartender serves his drink and asks him, "What's the name of your penis?"

"Hey buddy, I just came in here for a drink. Just be decent."

"Come on, just play along. It's something we do for fun. The name of my penis is Nike. Named for their logo, JUST DO IT. The guy next to you calls his Snickers because: IT REALLY SATISFIES. The guy at the end of the bar calls his Timex, because IT TAKES A LICKIN' AND KEEPS ON TICKIN'."

"May I please," says the man, "just have another shot and beer?"

"You have to tell me the name of your pee-pee first," says the bartender.

"Okay," says the man, "I call mine Secret."

"Why Secret?"

"BECAUSE IT'S STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN."

***

A man walks into a bar and says, "Two double scotches with beer backs."

"Tough day?"

"Tough day? I woke up, called my wife Minnie, put on a pair of white gloves and walked to work singing. Hi ho, hi ho, it's off to work I go. At the office I called my secretary Cinderella and my boss Grumpy. I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me."

"Easy," says the bartender. "You're having Disney spells."

***

A man walks into a bar and joins into a conversation with two guys who are debating who has the most frigid wife. Dave says, "My wife comes to bed with an ice pack for her sore neck. She puts it on, and in the morning the ice is still frozen."

The next guy sips his beer and says, "Last week my wife brought a hot water bottle to bed and put it between her legs. In the morning, it was ice water."

The newcomer slams back a shot of Jim Beam and says, "When my wife spreads her legs—fully clothed—the furnace kicks on."

***

A man walks into a bar wearing a stovepipe hat and a fake beard. "Going to a costume party?" asks the bartender.

"Yes, we're supposed to be disguised as our sex life."

"But you look like Abraham Lincoln?"

"That's because my four scores were seven years ago."

***

Two women walk into a bar, order martinis and begin speaking about their psychotherapists. "Mine drives me nuts, she answers every question with a question. I'm just throwing good money after bad."

The other lady sips her martini and says, "I've been paying mine $385 a session for six and years and he hadn't said one word until today."

"Really? What did he say today?"

"No hablo Ingles."

***

A young lady walks into a bar and has a glass of wine. Then another; then another. She and the young bartender are bonding and when the conversation turns serious. He asks her, "What do you want out of life?"

She deliberates a moment, then says, "All I want is four animals."

"Four animals?"

"Yes: a mink on my back, a Jaguar in my garage, a tiger in my bed, and a complete jackass to pay for it all."

***

A man walks into a bar and sits next to a stunning blonde. "Before I spend a fortune wining and dining you tonight, I'd like to know how you stand on oral sex?"

"I don't stand. I kneel."

"Bartender?" he says. "Your best champagne."

***

A man in the Bahamas walks into a bar and propositions a hooker, "How much?"

"Thirty dollars."

"You're on, let's go to the beach."

They walk out to the deserted strand and she climbs on top. They fuck like potbellied pigs and right before he comes she blasts a tremendous fart. He shoots his load, gives her a pat on the ass and hands her $50. She says, "I said it was $30."

"The extra $20 is for blowing the sand off my balls."

***

A man walks into a bar and orders a shot-and-a-beer. "What's happening?" asks the bartender.

"I just got fined for shoplifting again."

"Why do you keep shoplifting?"

"I need the money to pay the fucking fines."

***

A man walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, a round for the house on me."

"What are you celebrating?"

"My wife just ran off with my best friend."

"What's his name?" asks the bartender."

"Don't know. I haven't met the poor bastard."

***

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. He slurps his drink, minding his own business when the man to his left punches him in the kidney and says, "Karate from Korea."

He orders another beer and the man on his right puts him in a stranglehold, wrestles him to the floor and says, "Jujitsu from Japan."

The man rises, dusts himself off and leaves. He returns a half-hour later with a vintage .50 caliber derringer. He shoots karate-man then jujitsu-man and says, "Derringer. From my grandfather's gun collection."

***

A man walks into a bar by himself but orders a bottle of champagne and two glasses. He walks down to the end of the bar where a beautiful brunette, legs crossed, sits saucily upon a bar stool. He pours two glasses of champagne touches the rim of his glass to hers and says, "If I got you drunk and we fucked would you call for help?"

"Depends," she asks, "do you need help?"

***

A man walks into a bar and slams three photographs down on the bar. He says to the bartender, "What do you see in this picture?"

"That's me and your wife dancing."

"What do you see in this picture?"

"That's me in your wife making out in the back seat of my car."

"What do you see in this picture?"

"That's your wife sucking my dick at the beach."

"So what do you have to say for yourself?"

The bartender pauses, then says, "I'll take an 8-by-11 glossy of the last one and wallet sizes of the first two."

***

A man walks into a whorehouse bar and says, "I need to get laid and I like it kinky."

"That would be Doris. Right down the hall."

He barges down the hall and bursts into the room. Expecting a leather clad dominatrix he is surprised by a demure, fully-clothed young woman knitting. "I'm looking for Doris."

"I'm Doris."

"Kinky Doris?"

"Yep."

"Let's get started. Take off your clothes."

"Nope. We do it one way. My way." Doris pops out her glass eyeball and says, "Right here."

"In your eyesocket?"

"Yep."

"What the hell." So he puts his pecker into her ocular socket and she blinks-and-winks him to the best orgasm of his life.

He pays, tips and says, "Next time I'm in town, I'll look you up."

Doris says, "I'll keep an eye out for you."

***

Six Irishman walk out of a bar and pile into a van. "Patrick," says the owner of the van, "you're driving."

"Why me?"

"Because you're too fucking drunk to sing."

A drunk walks into a bar and there's a lady at the other end of the bar, waving her right arm above her head trying to get the bartender's attention. She has incredibly hairy armpits. The drunk says, "I wanna buy that ballerina a drink."

"How do you know," asks the bartender, "that she's a ballerina?"

"Who else could get her right leg up that high?"

***

A man walks into a bar, orders a double Dewars and says, "I've got problems."

"What's that?" asks the barkeep.

"My wife hasn't been feeling well so she went to the doctor. He ran some tests and the best he can come up with is that her condition is either AIDS or Alzheimer's."

"Here's what you do," says the barkeep. "Drive her out to the beach for a picnic. Halfway through lunch say you have to go to the bathroom. Get in your car and drive home. If she finds her way back home, don't fuck her."

***

An Irishman walks into a bar and orders seven martinis, each with two olives. He removes the olives, places them in a jar, then drinks down the martinis and orders seven more.

He removes the olives, again placing them in the jar, then drinks down the martinis and orders seven more.

"What the hell," says the bartender, "is going on here?"

"Nothing odd," says the Irishman. "My wife sent me out for a jar of the olives."

***

A man walks into a bar and says to the beautiful female bartender, "Do you want to fuck?"

She hits him over the head with a bottle of Jack Daniels. He pulls himself to his feet, wipes away the blood and says, "So I suppose a blow job would be out of the question?"

***

A 300 pound lady walks into a bar with a poodle on a leash. The bartender says, "Where'd you get that pig?"

She says, "You cretin it's not a pig, it's a poodle."

"I was talking to the poodle."

A redneck walks into a bar and orders two shots of white lightning. The bartender says, "Drowning your sorrows again Barnie?"

"Exactly. My girlfriend's father said that if I added five plus one correctly I could marry his daughter. Well, I don't go for any of that married shit, so I said that one plus five is 15."

"Good thinking, that was a close call."

"The fucker said it was close enough."

***

A man walks into a bar and says, "Beer for everybody on me!"

The bartender says, "What are you celebrating?"

"I just got even with my dentist."

"How so?"

"He cleaned all five of my kids' teeth, finished a root canal on my wife, and fitted me for a bridge."

"How is that getting even with your dentist?"

"I said, 'You know Doc, this may hurt a little bit but I don't have any money.'"

***

A glum looking man walks into a bar, orders Jack Daniels and tells the bartender to leave the bottle. "Something wrong, my friend?" asks the bartender.

"Yeah. I don't have any friends. I've never had any friends. I've no one to talk to. My life consists of my job, television, and alcohol."

"Come on. You must have a friend at work, or an old friend from college or childhood?"

"I just told you I don't have any friends. If you don't believe me, you can shove your head up your ass, fuckface!"

***

A woman walks into a bar and orders a Crème de Menthe. She says to the bartender, "I'm in a bit of a pickle here. May I bend your ear?"

"Sure," he says. "Shoot."

"I have two boyfriends. One is an animal in bed. And on the floor or in the backseat of the car. He satisfies my every sexual desire and fantasy."

"Wow," says the bartender. "That's something."

"But the other one is sophisticated, intelligent, smart, giving, and considerate."

"Well," says the bartender, "sex is sex, but if you're looking for a long-term relationship, what's wrong with the second guy?"

"He's gay."

***

A Texan walks into a bar and says, "Drinks on me. I just had a baby boy! And they grow them boys big in Texas, 22 pounds." He buys a round and leaves.

A week later he returns and the bartender asks, "How big is your baby boy now?"

The Texan proudly says, "Ten pounds!"

"But he was 22 pounds last week?"

"I know, we had him circumcised."

***

A man walks into a bar and says, "I'd like a Manhattan on the rocks. And I need to ask you a question."

The bartender pours the drink and says, "What do you need to know?"

"Are there any good girls in this town?"

"All the girls in this town are good."

"Then," he asks, "how far is it to the next town?"

***

Jimmy, a regular customer, walks into a bar, and orders a beer. The bartender notices that Jimmy has a big swollen knot in the middle of his forehead. The bartender says, "What the hell happened to you?"

"I was fucking my wife doggy style in the backyard when she ran under the porch."

***

George walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "G-g-g-give me a B-b-b-budweiser. No g-g-glass."

The bartender opens the beer, serves it and says, "Little bit of a problem with a stutter there?"

"N-n-n-no f-f-f-fucking shit."

"I used to stutter," says the bartender, "but I found a surefire cure."

"Wh-wh-what? I'll d-d-do anything."

"Simple. I just had my wife suck my cock for three hours."

"R-r-really?"

"N-n-no. I'm just fucking with y-y-you."

The stutterer finishes his beer and leaves. The next day he returns and says, "G-g-g-give me a B-b-b-budweiser. No g-g-glass."

"So you didn't try my cure?"

"Actually, I d-d-did, but it didn't w-w-work. And by the way, you h-h-have a l-l-lovely apartment."

***

A redneck walks into the local watering hole and orders a shot-and-a-beer. "How's the new wife?" asks the bartender.

"There's a little bit of newlywed friction."

"What's wrong?"

"I have a problem with my new wife ordering around my teenaged sons from my first marriage."

"Why?"

"Because she's 12."

***

A termite walks into a bar and says, "Is the bar tender here?"

***

A fat woman walks into a bar and announces, "I will do anything for anybody for $200."

The bartender hands her $200 and says, "Paint my house."

***

An old guy shits his bed and rather than clean the sheets he throws them out a window. They land on a passed-out-drunk who awakes and thrashes about wildly. The drunk then runs into a bar and orders a double. The bartender says, "What the fuck happened to you?"

"I just got into a fight with a ghost and kicked the shit out of him."

***

An armless man walks into a bar and orders a Cerveza Pacifico. "Would you mind," he asks the bartender, "lifting it up for me?" The bartender does and the armless man drains it and says, "Another, please."

The bartender pours it and holds it up. The man drains it and says, "Where's your bathroom?"

The bartender says, "You go down the—we don't have one."

***

Two women have closed down the local bar and are walking home when they have to pee. So they hopped the cemetery wall for some privacy. They had no toilet paper so they bent over a wreath of flowers and wiped. The next morning one husband called the other, "The girls were up to no good last night. Mine came home with rose petals stuck to her ass."

"Consider yourself lucky. Mine came home with a We Will Never Forget You card wedged up her cunt."

***

A man walks into a bar and sees a St. Bernard at the poker table playing Texas Hold 'Em. "That's incredible," he says to the bartender. "A dog playing poker."

"Yeah," says the bartender. "He's got a great poker face, but his tail always gives him away."

***

Two men walk out of the bar at closing time. "I hate getting home after two o'clock in the morning. I have to sneak in the front door, close it softly, take my shoes off, tread upstairs and try to slip into bed; but my wife always wakes up and gives me holy hell."

"You're going at it all wrong. Open the front door then slam it shut, stomp up the stairs, rip off your pants and say, 'Honey we're gonna fuck all night long.'"

"But that would wake her up for sure."

"Yeah, but she'll pretend to be asleep."

***

A border policeman walks into a bar in El Paso and says to the bartender, "Hey, I know you. Everyday for the past six months you've driven to Juarez and back in different cars with five sacks of dirt in your trunk. What are you smuggling in the dirt?"

"I'm not smuggling anything in the dirt. I'm smuggling cars."

***

A shrunken and frail man walks into a bar. "How you doing?" asks the bartender.

"Fucking great, I don't have a care in the world."

"Wow, how do you manage that?"

"I screw as often as I can and I eat, drink, and smoke whatever the fuck I want."

"That's incredible. How old are you?"

"Twenty-four."

***

A man walks into a bar, orders a scotch and bursts into tears. The bartender says, "What's wrong, Buddy?"

"My 102 year old uncle just died."

"This drink's on me," says the bartender. "But you can't take it so hard. A 102 years, man that's a good run."

"Even though he was up in years his death comes as a complete surprise."

"How did he die?"

"His parachute didn't open."

***

Two Irishmen walk into a bar and begin arguing about whose wife is uglier. "I live," says one, "right around the corner, let us go settle this once and forever."

They reel drunkenly to his house and enter the kitchen. The Irishman stomps on a trap door and yells, "Bridget, get your ugly arse up here."

"Shall I be wearing the canvas sack over me head?"

"No. I'll not be fucking you tonight; I'm just trying to win a bet."

***

A man walks into a bar and says, "I need a job."

"We already have a bartender," says the bartender.

"I'm a bouncer. Watch." He spots a drunk lolling off to sleep at a corner table, grabs him and throws him through the door.

"Good, good," says the bartender, "but you'll have to ask the boss about the job."

"Where is he?"

"He'll be coming back through that door any minute now."

***

A man walks into a bar and strikes up a conversation with the friendly bartender. They discuss sports, current events, and of course the conversation touches upon sex. "What," asks the man, "is your favorite sexual position?"

"I like the rodeo position."

"Rodeo? I've never heard of the rodeo position."

"You get your wife on all fours and start fucking her from behind. When she starts to come you lean forward and whisper in her ear, This is your sister's favorite position. And then you try to hang on for eight seconds."

***

Two lesbians walk into a dyke bar and order shots and beers. At the other end of the bar an attractive young lady waves at them and blows them a couple of kisses. One lesbian says to the other, "I would like to go yodeling in her gully."

"No you wouldn't," interrupted the bartender. "She's hung like a donut."

***

A drunk walks into a bar and screams, "Happy New Year!"

The bartender says, "Buddy, it's February second; Groundhog Day."

"Shit," he says, "my wife's gonna fucking kill me."

***

A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Do you like fat women, with bad hair and varicose veins?"

"Of course not."

"Then why are you fucking my wife?"

***

A drunk walks out of a bar and gets in his car. He grabs his cell phone and calls the cops: "My car has been stripped. They took the radio, CD player, steering wheel, glove compartment, gear shift—never mind. I'm in the backseat."

***

A woman walks into a bar and orders a margarita. She takes the drink to a corner booth. A man leans over and says to the bartender, "That bitch made a fortune from a story that she made up."

"Really," says the bartender, "who'd she sell it to?"

"The entire jury."

A man walks into a bar, orders a bourbon and says to the bartender, "Ever had anal sex with your wife?"

"Of course," says the bartender. "In fact, we do it almost every night."

"So she really digs it?"

"No, she hates it."

"She just does it because you enjoy it?"

"I hate it too."

"You hate it? Why do you do it almost every night?"

"Well," says the bartender, "the kids get such a kick out of watching."

***

A professor from Stanford and a professor from Cal walk into a bar. They discuss philosophy, economics, theology and the world situation. After a couple rounds of drinks they accompany each other to the bathroom. After finishing at the urinal, the Stanford professor washes his hands, but the Cal professor doesn't. "At Stanford," says the Stanford man, "we teach people to wash our hands after we urinate."

"At Cal," says the other professor, "we teach people not to piss on their hands."

***

This chick walks into a male biker bar. She strides up to the leader and says, "I want to join your gang."

"Can you ride?"

"I got my hog outside."

"Can you drink?"

She knocks back five shots of tequila.

"Okay," the leader says, "have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"

"No," she says, "but I been swung around by the tits a couple of times."

***

A man walks into a bar and orders a Heineken. "Anything else?" asks the bartender. "Yeah," he says, "I want to buy that douche bag sitting at the end of the bar a drink."

"At this bar," says the bartender, "we treat women with respect."

"I'm the customer and the customer is always right. I want to buy that douche bag a drink."

The bartender walks down to the lady and says, "That gentleman at the end of the bar wants to buy you a drink. What will you have?"

"Oh," she says, "just a vinegar and water."

***

A duck walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Do you have any grapes?"

"Hell no," says the bartender, "this is a bar. Not a fruit stand."

The next day the same duck walks into the bar and says to the bartender, "Do you have any grapes?"

"I told you yesterday this is a bar, not a goddam fruit stand. If you come in tomorrow and ask for grapes I'm going to nail your little webbed feet to this hardwood floor."

The next day the same duck walks into the bar and says to the bartender, "Do you have any nails?"

"No. I don't have any nails."

"Then I'll take some grapes."

***

A dyke walks into a crowded bar one night, slaps down $100 and says, "I bet you my dildo can do anything a man can do."

The bartender picks up the $100 and says, "Gentleman, your next round is on this dildo."

***

Two men at a bar are talking about a patron who has just left. "That mother sure is lucky at cards, but he can't pick horses worth a shit."

The other says, "That's because they won't let him shuffle the horses."

***

A man walks into a bar. The bartender pours him a drink and says, "How was your week in Vegas?"

"It sucked. I left my glasses at home."

"So you had trouble seeing the shows at the tittie bars?"

"No, I spent the first three days playing a stamp machine."

***

A man walks into a bar and says, "Fuck."

"What's the problem?" asks the bartender as he pours him a beer.

"I was just in a card game and I went all in with a straight flush."

"What did you win?"

"Nothing. I lost."

"What beats a straight flush?"

"A pair of twos and a .45 caliber automatic."

***

A man walks into a bar and sits next to a beautiful woman. "I've never done this before," he says, "but may I buy you a drink?"

"Certainly," she says.

He orders two margaritas and says, "I've never done this before, but what's your name?"

"My name is Carmen."

A certain spark and friendly conversation ensues, then she says, "I told you a little fib. My name isn't Carmen, it's Clara."

"Carmen is such a pretty name, why'd you choose it?"

"I've always wanted to be called Carmen because I think that our names should reflect our passions. And I am passionate about fast cars and men. Carmen. What's your name?"

He sips his drink and says, "Beerfuck."

***

A man walks into a bar and orders a double Wild Turkey. "Troubles at home?" asks the bartender.

"I married a twin and last night I fucked her sister by mistake. I have to get a divorce."

"C'mon, there has to be some difference between them."

"There is. That's why I'm getting a divorce."

***

A man walks into a bar, orders a beer and says to the bartender, "My second wife just died and I swear on all I consider sacred that I will never marry again."

"How'd your first wife die?"

"She ate some poison mushrooms."

"Wow. How'd your second wife die?"

"A gunshot wound to the face."

"How'd that happen?"

"She wouldn't finish her fucking mushrooms."

***

Colonel McBride enters the bar of his proper English club, and a former subordinate comes by and says, "Colonel, I heard you buried your wife."

"Thank you for the condolences."

Another former subordinate approaches and says, "Colonel, I heard you buried your wife."

"Thank you for the condolences."

Yet another former subordinate approaches and says, "Colonel, I heard you buried your wife."

"Had too," says the Colonel. "Dead, you know. "

***

A dominatrix walks into a bar and says, "I can whip any man in the house."

***

A man walks into a bar and says to the female bartender, "What would you say to a little ass?"

"I'd say, 'What do you want to drink?'"

***

A man walks into a bar and orders a shot-and-a-beer. He says to the bartender, "I think my wife's contemplating an affair. She's just listless in bed."

"You can't let that happen," says the barkeep. "Go home right now. Rip her clothes off and put it to her. Show her that you are the man!"

He's back 43 minutes later.

"How'd it go?" asks the barkeep.

"She was still indifferent about the sex, but her bridge club sure enjoyed the show."

***

A lady walks into a bar wearing a low cut blouse. She sits, orders a lemon drop, and pulls out a cigarette. She places the butt between her pouting lips, leans forward and says to the bartender, "Match?"

He checks her left tit; then her right tit and says, "Perfectly."

***

A club sandwich walks into a bar, "Give me a Bushmills."

"Sorry," says the bartender, "we don't serve food here."

***

A man walks into a bar with a small cat, a pistol, and a sack of horseshit. He orders a double whiskey; slams it. He pulls out his pistol, shoots the sack, then chases the cat around the bar.

"What the fuck," asks the bartender, "are you doing?"

"I just thought I'd stop by, have a drink, shoot the shit, and chase a little pussy."

***

A rope walks into a bar and the bartender says, "We don't serve ropes." The rope leaves and returns an hour later. He's now tied in several places and unraveled on top. The bartender repeats, "We don't serve ropes."

The rope says, "I'm a frayed knot."

***

Two fashion designers from New York City walk into a bar and they both order a double; then another double. The bartender says, "Tough day?" and they simultaneously say, "Yes."

The first continues, "My wife caught me in my office screwing my number one model. Her brother's a lawyer and half my business; my house; the kids—are all gone."

"I know what you mean," says the second designer. "My day was even worse. I got busted with my top model in my office."

"How," says the first, "can that be worse?"

"I manufacture men's wear."

***

A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I only see you with hot chicks. What's your secret?"

"I have a surefire icebreaker. I walk up to a girl and say, 'Tickle your ass with a feather?' And she says, 'What?' And I say, 'Particularly nice weather?' Then we start talking about the outdoors which leads to talk about the-birds-and-the-bees and I just let nature take its course."

"That's a great idea. I'll try it on the next broad who walks in here." A beautiful young lady enters and he approaches her and says, "You wanna fuck?"

"I beg your pardon!"

"Looks like rain."

***

A man walks into a bar that featured the World's Greatest Bartender. If you could squeeze a drop of juice out of a lemon that he'd used you'd win $100. So the man takes up the challenge and this Popeye-forearmed bartender gets a half-pint of juice from one lemon. The challenger takes the lemon rind, squeezes out a shot glass full and collects $100. "Jesus," says the bartender, "you must be a great bartender."

"No," he says, "I'm an IRS agent."

***

A Gypsy fortune teller walks into a bar and orders a hot brandy. "Am I going to die soon?" asks a man on the adjacent stool.

"No," she says, "that's the last thing that you'll do."

***

A man from Boston walks into a bar in San Francisco, orders a Johnny Walker Black on the rocks and asks the bartender, "Is there any place in Frisco where I can get scrod?"

"I have heard," says the bartender, "that question asked a million times but that's the first time I've heard it phrased in the super pluperfect subjunctive."

***

A stunning woman walks into a bar and orders a Chivas. The man next to her says, "Would you like to spend the weekend with me?"

She says, "Your unabashed and cavalier attitude toward the otherwise serious and sacred aspects of sexual congress precludes any positive response to your tasteless query."

He says, "I don't get it."

She says, "Precisely."

***

A man walks into a biker bar naked, with a set of handlebars attached to his dick. "What the hell," says the bartender "are you doing?"

"I don't know, but these things are driving me nuts."

***

A man walks into a bar with a big shiner. "What happened to you?" asks the bartender.

"My neighbors are all pissed because my dog knows how to fetch the evening paper."

"Why would that make them mad?"

"I don't subscribe to the evening paper."

***

A man walks into a bar and orders a double John Jameson. Without being asked he says to the bartender, "The Vietnam War ruined my fucking life."

"Where'd you serve?" asks the bartender.

"I didn't."

"Then how could it have ruined your life?"

"My wife's first husband was killed there."

***

A man who is dating the bartender's daughter walks into the bar and says, "Your daughter loves me. She says she can't live without me. She wants to marry me."

"Are you asking for permission to marry my daughter?"

"No, I'm asking you to make her leave me the fuck alone."

***

A man walks into a bar and orders a Michelob. He drains the beer and orders another one, "Goddam I got to get in shape."

"You look pretty fit to me," says the bartender.

"Compared to my brother I'm a wreck. He runs seven miles a day, does yoga four times a week, doesn't eat dairy or red meat, doesn't drink coffee or booze and never sunbathes."

"Someday, your brother will feel like a complete fucking fool."

"How's that?"

"How would you feel at the end of your life, lying in bed, dying of nothing?"

***

A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I've just gotten engaged!"

"Congratulations," says the bartender.

"To whom?"

"To Allison. She's a waitress at the steakhouse downtown."

A man on the adjacent bar stool says, "Allison? Blonde waitress, with curly black pussy hair and a tattoo of a rooster on her ass?"

"Yes. That's the one."

"I've fucked her about 500 times. I've gotten her drunk, brought her to parties and passed her around to my friends. She's pulled more trains than a locomotive. One night after the steakhouse closed I heard the bartender got her drunk and shoved an empty wine bottle up her cunt."

"That's her!" He turns to the bartender and says, "A drink for my friend over here. He knows my fiancée."

***

A man walks into a crowded bar and says, "A drink on me for everybody. And pour one for yourself, barkeep."

The bartender pours a round of doubles for everyone, has a shot of Bushmills and says, "Thanks. That will be $467."

"I don't have any money or credit cards," says the man.

The bartender leaps over the bar and tosses him out into the street. A minute later the man returns and says, "A drink on me for everybody. Except you, barkeep; you're a real asshole when you drink."

A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I bet you $500 dollars I can lick my left eyeball."

"You're on."

The man removes his left eyeball, a glass one, and licks it.

"Sonuvabitch," says the bartender. He shells over $500.

"Double or nothing. I bet you I can bite my left ear."

"You're on."

He takes out his false teeth, nibbles on his ear and says, "You owe me a grand. But I bet you $1000 that you can slide a beer mug down the bar while I stand on this barstool and piss into it—and—not a drop will touch the bar."

"You're on."

The bartender gets a beer mug while the patron balances on a stool and unzips. The bartender looses the mug while the pisser unleashes a torrent of urine that goes everywhere except the mug. The guy hops down and hands the bartender, who is cleaning up, ten crisp $100 bills. "You sure are a good loser," says the bartender. "What's up with that?"

"See those three guys crying in the corner booth?"

"Yeah."

"I just bet them $5000 each that I could come up here, piss all over your bar and you'd clean it up with a smile on your face."

***

A man walks into a bar with a dog under his arm. He says to the bartender, "I'll bet you $1000 that this dog can talk and will answer three consecutive questions correctly."

"You're on," says the bartender.

The man says, "Question one: What is the consistency of sandpaper?"

The dog says, "ROUGH."

"Question two: What part of a house protects us from the elements?"

The dog says, "ROOF."

"Question three: Who is the greatest baseball slugger of all time?"

"RUTH."

The bartender says, "Get out of my bar with those stupid ass antics. I'm not paying."

As soon as they get outside the dog says, "In retrospect I probably should have gone with Ted Williams on that last question."

***

A gorilla walks into a bar, orders a Coors light and pays with a $20. The bartender brings him $10 change, and says, "We don't get many gorillas in here."

"No wonder," says the Gorilla, "at $10 a pop for a fucking Coors Light."

***

John walks into his Midwestern hometown bar. He hasn't been home for five years, ever since he'd moved to Hollywood to write screenplays. "Hey John," says the bartender, "nice to see you."

"Good to be back."

"Tell me, is Hollywood as wild as everyone says?"

"No. Starlets are just women. Directors are as eccentric or wild as any office manager in Ames or Sioux City. In fact, I just was just saying to my wife Roger..."

***

A man walks into a bar, orders a White Russian and asks the bartender, "Have you ever taught anyone to swim?"

"Yeah. It's a pain in the ass. You have to coddle and coax them to overcome their fear of the water. Who are you teaching?"

"My wife."

"Just push her off the end of the fucking pier. She'll catch on."

***

A lady walks into a bar and orders a Mojita. An extremely handsome young man sits next to her and says to the barkeep, "Make it two. On me."

"Thank you."

"You're welcome."

They have a couple of rounds; the conversation is lively. This young man is different from anyone else she's ever met. Smart, witty, funny, articulate, and a complete gentleman; she decides that he will be her next husband. "Let's go back to my place," she says.

"I'm really not that kind of guy, but I'll tag along for the conversation."

They proceed to her place and over brandy snifters she confesses, "I want you for my husband."

"Great," he says. "Which room is his?"

***

A man walks into a bar, orders a shot of Jack Daniels and a Budweiser. "I think I just turned gay," he says to the bartender.

"What makes you think that?"

"I fucked my roommate in the ass last night."

"No shit?"

"Well, a little."

***

A hooker walks into a bar and says, "I'll buy a drink for anybody who can top this:

Three plus three is six,

Six plus three is nine;

I can guess the length of yours,

But you can't guess the depth of mine."

A decrepit old drunk at the end of the bar perks up and says, "Three plus three may be six,

and six plus three may be nine.

I bet you I can piss in yours—

but you can't piss in mine."

***

A man walks into a bar and orders a double Old Overholt and slams it down. "Tough day?" asks the bartender.

"Yeah. I got fired from the grocery store."

"What did you do?"

"The boss caught me sticking my big fat cock into the meat slicer."

"Why would you want to do something like that?"

"She asked me to."

***

A regular walks into a bar and the bartender has a Metaxa waiting for him: "Thanks."

The bartender says, "You're welcome."

"You and the missus still battling it out?"

"Yes. But after our last go round she came to me on her hands and knees."

"Really? What did she say?"

"She said: 'Get your ass out from under the bed you cowardly fuck.'"

***

A man walks into a bar and spends his entire paycheck getting snot-flinging drunk. The barkeep says, "Your wife is going to hit the ceiling when you get home, Fred."

"I know," says Fred. "Thank God she's a lousy shot."

***

A man walks into a bar and sees his ex-girlfriend. "Hey," he says, "I was screwing my new girlfriend last night, but I was thinking about you."

"Why? Do you want to get back together?"

"No. It keeps me from coming too quick."

***

A man walks into a bar and, with a huge smile on his face, orders a glass of champagne. "Why so happy?" asks the bartender.

"My sex life has improved 100% since my wife and I got single beds."

"Really? How can that be?"

"Hers is in Cleveland; mine's in Pittsburgh."

***

A man walks into a bar and orders a double. The bartender says, "Marriage problems?"

"Yes." He shakes his head, "My wife and I were perfectly happy for almost 40 years."

"Then what happened?"

"We met."

***

A man walks into a bar and orders a Budweiser. "Bartender, may I ask you a question?"

"Certainly."

"I didn't fuck my wife my wife before I married her. Did you?"

"I don't know. What was her maiden name?"

***

A man walks into a bar with a beautiful blonde on his arm. "Bartender, a bottle of Cristal and a dozen oysters."

"Going," asks the bartender, "for that oysters equals virility thing?"

"Yep."

The blonde says, "That's just a myth. He had a dozen of them yesterday and only nine of them worked."

***

A man walks into a bar and up to the blond bartender. He orders a beer and says, "Would you like to hear a blond joke?"

"Hey man, I'm blond."

A blond bruiser two stools down flexes his muscles and says, "Me too."

The bartender smiles and says, "You want to tell a blond joke now?"

"No. I don't feel like it explaining it four times."

***

A man walks into a bar and approaches a female patron. "Excuse me," he says, "do you know the difference between a 45 minute blow job and a bacon cheeseburger?"

"No."

"What are you doing for lunch?"

***

The bartender's roommate walks into the bar and orders a triple Johnny Walker Black. "Problems Ron?" asks the bartender.

"Heart trouble. The doctor told me I have to give up half my sex life."

"Which half? Thinking about it or lying about it?"

***

A man walks into a bar and orders a martini. He slams it back and orders another. The bartender says, "What's the problem?"

"My girlfriend just dumped me."

"Why?"

"Because I have a four-inch penis."

"That is a little small."

He finishes his martini and says, "Wide."

***

A man walks into a bar and orders two double brandies. He slams one down and proceeds to pour the second one on his hand. The bartender says, "Why'd you pour that brandy on your hand?"

"I'm trying to get my date drunk."

***

A man walks into a crowded bar and says to the bartender, "Hey Jackass. Long time no see. What's new, Jackass?"

The bartender just shrugs.

"You know, Jackass, you make the best Planter's Punch in the city. Whip one up for me, eh Jackass?"

The bartender serves him; he sips and says, "Fucking brilliant, Jackass." He pays, tips, and leaves.

A lady at the end of the bar says to the bartender, "That cretin called you Jackass about ten times. Why is that?"

The bartender shrugs, stammers, and says, "Hee all, hee all, he always calls me jackass."

***

A drunk stumbles into a bar and says, "Hey barkeep, you know what time it is?"

"I sure do."

"Thanks." And he staggers outs.

***

A man walks into a bar and sits down next to an older woman, "What do I need to do to have you come home with me tonight?"

"I'm not looking to be involved with one particular guy right now."

"That's why I'm asking you," he says. "I'm not that particular."

***

A woman walks into a bar and says, "I need someone to make me feel like a woman."

The young bartender immediately strips off his shirt, revealing a stripper's body. He hands the shirt over the bar and says, "Iron this."

***

A woman walks into her local bar. "I can tell that you aren't happy with your husband," says the intuitive barkeep.

"No," she says, "I'm not."

"Why'd you marry him?"

"It was a case of opposites attract."

"Pardon?"

"I was pregnant; he wasn't."

***

A man walks into a bar with Alex the talking dog. The dog greets everybody and hops up on a barstool. The man orders a beer, pays with a $100 then says to the bartender, "I gotta pee. Keep an eye on Alex, he's valuable."

As soon as the owner is out of sight the dog picks up the change from the $100 in his mouth and sprints out the door. The owner returns and says, "Where's my dog?" The bartender tells him and the man exits. In the closest alley to the bar there's Alex, fucking a French-poodle-hooker-dog that has the change from the $100 in her mouth. "Alex," says the owner, "you've never acted like this before!"

Alex, humping away, says, "I've never had $96 before."

***

A man walks into a bar and orders a gimlet. He says to the bartender, "Who's that hot redhead?"

"Giselle? She charges $200 for a straight lay."

"What about the blonde sitting next to her?"

"Patty? Best $110 cock munch in town."

"What about the brunette in the corner?"

"Louise? $500 for an Around the World."

"Jesus, don't you have any women in this town that haven't been turned out?"

"Sure. But I can't afford to date them."

***

A man walks into a bar with three ducks. He sets the ducks on the bar, orders a Becks, and then walks to the bathroom. The bartender, a friendly sort, asks the first duck, "What's your name?"

"Huey."

"What did you do today, Huey?"

"It was a great day for a duck like me: I was in-and-out of puddles all day."

He asks the second duck, "What's your name?"

"Dewey."

"What did you do today, Dewey?"

"It was a great day for a duck like me: I was in-and-out of puddles all day."

He asks the third duck, "I bet your name is Louie."

"Fuck you," says the third duck, "my name is Puddles."

***

A man walks into a bar and sits next to a drop-dead-gorgeous woman. He says, "What do you want in a man?"

She says, "I like Native American men; also Jewish men; but I have a soft spot in my heart for rednecks." She sips her Campari and soda, "You're kind of cute. What's your name?"

"Geronimo," he says. "Geronimo Goldfarb, but my good friends just call me Bubba."

***

A pedophile, a homosexual, and a priest walk into a bar. Then, the next guy walks in.

***

A man walks into a bar and orders an entire bottle of Jim Beam. The barkeep says, "If you're trying to drown your sorrows it never works."

"I know," he says. "I can't get the bitch nowhere near the water."

***

A blonde walks into a bar and says, "Excuse me, what time is it?"

The bartender says, "Three-fifteen."

"You know I've been asking that question all day and I get a different answer each time."

***

A man walks into a bar and orders three shots of Wild Turkey. "Celebrating?" asks the barkeep.

"I just had oral sex for the first time."

"Congratulations. Let me buy you a beer."

"No thanks," he points to the three shots. "If this don't get the taste outta my mouth nuthin' will."

***

A man walks into a bar and orders three shots of vodka. "Tough day?" asks the bartender.

"I just found my best friend fucking my wife. I told her to pack up her shit and hit the bricks."

"What did you say to your best friend?"

"Bad doggy."

***

A married couple walk into a bar. They see her ex-husband drinking double martinis. She says to her husband, "He's been drinking like that since he left me seven years ago."

He says to his wife, "Don't be absurd, no one celebrates that much."

***

An Irishman walks out of a bar.

Hey, it could happen.

***

A cop walks into a bar and sees a man passed out and slumped over in a booth. The cop goes through the man's wallet for ID, finds it, does a fireman's carry, tosses him in the back of the patrol car and drives him home. He carries him to the front door. A lady answers and the cop says, "Mrs. Wilson, here's your husband. He can't even walk."

"I know. Where's his fucking wheelchair?"

***

The young winner of the Pro-Am golf tournament walks into a bar. He meets this voluptuous golf groupie and they retire to her place. He fucks her brains out and starts to leave. "I fucked Ernie Els," she said, "and he didn't quit that soon."

So he fucks her again and starts to leave.

"I fucked Phil Mickleson and he didn't quit that soon."

So he climbs back on and fucks her again.

He starts to leave and she says, "I fucked Tiger Woods and he didn't quit that soon."

"Lady," he says, "what is par for this hole anyway?"

***

A man walks into a bar and orders bourbon on the rocks. The bartender serves it. The man sips and notices the ice cubes have holes in them. "Hey," he says to his neighbor, "these ice cubes have holes in them."

He says, "I've been married to one of those for 11 years."

***

This year's Superbowl MVP walks into a bar and buys a round of drinks for everyone. A gay guy walks up and says, "I can beat you at football."

"Fuck off, faggot," says the MVP.

"Is the chickenshit-macho-wanna-be-cocksucker afraid?"

"I fear no one."

"Then let's play football."

"Two guys can't play football."

"But two guys can play barroom football."

"How do you play that?"

"Watch." The gay guy orders a shot-and-a-beer. He chugs both and yells, "Touchdown!" Then he pulls his pants down and farts, "Extra point, good!"

The MVP orders a shot-and-a-beer, chugs them, and yells, "Touchdown!" He pulls down his pants and while struggling to fart the extra point, the gay guy pulls his pants down, rams his cock up the MVP's ass and says, "Block that kick. Block that kick. Block that kick."

***

An English professor walks into a bar and says, "Bring me a martinus."

The bartender says, "You mean a martini?"

"If I want more than one, I'll order more than one."

***

A man walks into a hotel bar and sits next to a man in a business suit. They strike up a conversation and the businessman says, "This building has the strangest air currents. You can go up on the roof, jump off and the currents will keep you afloat and sail you back to the roof safely."

"Bullshit."

"C'mon, I'll show you."

They go up to the roof and the businessman jumps off the roof. As promised the wind holds him aloft and returns him to the roof.

"I have to try this." The man jumps off the roof and plummets 40 floors to his death.

The businessman returns to the bar, and the bartender says, "You can be a real asshole when you've been drinking, Superman."

***

A blonde walks into a bar and orders a margarita. When asked by the bartender if she'd like another drink, she said, "No my husband limits me to one drink."

"Why?"

"Because after one drink I can feel it. After two anyone can."

***

A man walks into a bar and orders a double Grand Marnier. "Problems at home?" asks the bartender.

"My fiancée and I just broke off our engagement."

"Why?"

"Would you marry someone who sucked everyone's cock? I mean strangers, co-workers, little boys?"

"Hell no."

"Neither will my fiancée."

***

A midget stripper walks into a bar and applies for a job. "I don't see the need for a midget stripper," says the bartender, "who would you entertain?"

"All the people," she says, "under the tables."

***

Two hookers walk into a bar, order a drink and discuss how their evenings went: "The oddest thing happened to me tonight."

"What's that?"

"A man walked up to me and asked how much. I said $100. He tells me he's only got $20 bucks, then he unzips and shows me the biggest cock I've ever seen in my entire life."

"So what did you do?"

"What else could I do? I loaned him $80."

***

Three women walk into a bar, order a round, and begin discussing their boyfriends. The first one says, "I call my boyfriend Seven-up because he has seven inches and it's always up."

The second one says, "I call my boyfriend Mountain Dew, because he always wants to mount me and do me."

"I call my boyfriend Grand Marnier."

The first girl says, "Grand Marnier? Isn't that some sort of fancy liquor?"

The third girl smiles and says, "Yep."

***

A couple walks into a bar. They order a bottle of champagne and begin discussing who enjoys sex more, the man or the woman. After a lengthy and persuasive argument by the man the woman says, "Say your ass itches. You stick your hand down the back of your pants extend your index finger and scratch like hell. What feels better when you pull your hand out, your index finger or your ass?"

***

A man walks into a bar and orders a grappa. At the other end of the bar two Irishmen raise their pints, "To County Tyrone," says one.

"I'm from County Tyrone," says the other. "Cookstown."

"Cookstown? I'm from Cookstown, I grew up on Beamer Street."

"Beamer Street? That's where I was raised."

The man orders another grappa and says to the bartender, "Can you imagine the odds of those two Irishmen discovering they lived on the same street? What a coincidence."

"Not really," says the bartender. "The Forbes twins do that every time they're fucked up."

***

A man walks into a bayou bar everyday with a skein of beautiful fish. He limits out everyday. When asked what his secret is he just smiles and says, "Special secret spot." But one of the bar patrons, who has recently become a regular keeps bugging him and bugging him to reveal the secret spot. Finally, just to shut him up, he agrees. They start out at dawn and travel by boat for hours deep, deep into the bayou. Finally in the blaze of the noonday sun, the fisherman says, "Yawl want to do some fishin'?"

"But it's noon, nothing's biting."

He winks, opens his tackle box, extracts a stick of dynamite, lights it with his cigarette and tosses it into the water. Moments later a geyser erupts and pale, bloated fish bob to the surface. He maneuvers the boat through the carnage, picking out only the plumpest fish.

"That's appalling," says the man. He pulls out a badge, "You are under arrest: Louisiana State Department of Fish and Game."

Calmly, the fisherman reaches into the tackle box, removes a stick of dynamite, lights it and tosses it into the agent's lap. "So is yawl going to take me in, or is yawl going to fish?"

***

A man walks into a bar and orders an Irish coffee. He picks up a newspaper, reads and says to the bartender, "It says here that there are over a million battered women in the United States."

"Huh," says the bartender, "and to think I've been eating them plain all these years."

***

A man walks into a small town bar. He has just ordered a burger and a half-pitcher of Spaten when a fire engine screams by. He drains the beer and says to the bartender, "Cancel the burger. I have to go."

The bartender asks, "You're a volunteer fireman?"

"I'm not. But my neighbor's husband is."

***

A male fly flies into a bar. A female fly is sitting on a piece of cat shit in the litter box. He flies down, sits next to her and says, "Pardon me, but is this stool taken?"

***

A man walks into a bar and says, "Give me a dry Skyy martini straight up, make it quick and don't expect a tip, asshole."

"Sir," says the bartender, "I wish I had 100 customers just like you."

"Why?"

"Because I have 200 customers just like you."

***

A man walks into a bar, orders a madras and buys a drink for the young lady on the adjacent stool. "Thank you," she says. "What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a criminal lawyer."

"Well," she says, "at least you're upfront about it."

***

A man walks into a bar with his mistress. After three drinks he asks: "What would you do if I knocked you up and then abandoned you?"

"I love you so much. I can't live without you. I'd probably shoot myself."

He says, "Good girl."

***

An American walks into an Irish pub and says, "I'll give $100 to anyone who can chug ten pints of Guinness in one minute."

"I'll do it," says Sean. He returns an hour later, chugs the ten pints in the requisite time and snatches the $100. "Thanks."

The American asks, "Why'd you leave for an hour?"

"I went to the pub in the next town to see if I could do it."

***

A man walks into a bar and orders a double Cuervo Gold. He slams it and says to the bartender: "My wife and my best friend just drove off in my new Jeep Cherokee."

"That's terrible," says the bartender. "You just bought that Jeep, didn't you?"

***

A man walks into a bar and sees his best friend in a body cast, sitting in a wheelchair, drinking Budweiser through a straw. "Jesus, George! What happened?"

"You know that cute little redhead that moved in across the street from you?"

"Yeah."

"Last Tuesday, around four, I was fucking her when her construction worker husband comes home and breaks my spine in six places."

"Well, it could be worse."

"How?"

"If he comes home two hours earlier it's me in that fucking wheel chair."

***

Julius Caesar walks into a bar in Rome. The bartender pours him a tankard of the finest Syrian wine and asks, "Caesar, what is your favorite sexual position?"

Caesar replies, "LXIX."

***

A woman walks into a bar and a drunk accidentally-on-purpose bumps into her and cops a feel. She walks up to the bartender, a gay guy from Florida. She orders a Cinzano and says to him, "Horny men are all alike."

He says, "What a coincidence. Horny men are all Ah like too."

***

Two philosophy students walk into a bar and order two glasses of pinot. They begin discussing the difference between misfortune and disaster.

"If for example," says one, "the electricity were to fail and we lost the unsaved portions of our theses on our computers: that would be a misfortune. But if the hospital also lost power and five dialysis patients died, that would be a disaster."

"I see your point. If Air Force One crashed into the Capitol during a joint session of Congress and everyone were killed: that would be a disaster but not a misfortune. Cheers."

***

A bigot walks into a bar and does not like the multi-racial mix. He orders a double Maker's Mark, downs it and walks up to a Japanese man. "Howdy. My name is Brown, B-R-O-W-N. I'm am six feet eight inches tall, I weigh 295 pounds I am white all over and I hate Orientals."

The Japanese gentleman waves away the taunt, pays, tips and leaves.

Brown is feeling pretty good and has another double. He walks up to an Afro-American and says, "Howdy. My name is Brown, B-R-O-W-N. I'm am six feet eight inches tall, I weigh 295 pounds I am white all over and I hate black people."

The brother waves away the taunt, pays, tips and leaves.

Brown has another double and settles up against the bar when he hears a tinny Irish brogue, "Hey fucker?"

"You talking to me, little man?"

"You're stupider than you look. Of course I'm talking to you."

"What the hell do you want?"

I want you to know that my name is Murphy. I'm five foot nine inches tall and weigh 135 pounds. And I, too, am white all over. Except for me asshole, fucker, which is Brown, B-R-O-W-N."

***

A man walks into a bar, orders a Crown Royal rocks and says, "I just fucked a blind hooker."

The bartender says, "I've never heard of a blind hooker."

"Yeah. You gotta hand it to her."

***

A grasshopper hops into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, we have a drink named after you."

"You have a drink named Dave?"

***

A man walks into a bar, limping slightly. He orders a tequila sunrise. The bartender asks, "I noticed you're limping, did you hurt your ankle?"

"No. I just had a vasectomy."

"My wife's been bugging me to get one. Let me know how that works out for you."

"I'm hoping it will make a vas deferens in my sex life."

***

A man walks into a bar on Ladies Night and says, "Two thousand dollars to anyone who'll let me fuck them my way."

A girl says, "What the hell?"

They leave together and drive to a motel. Once inside the room he feels her up, strips her naked and goes down on her. He takes his clothes off. Obviously excited, she says, "What is your way? Doggy, anal, sixty-nine?"

He pushes her down on the bed, inserts his cock and whispers, "On credit."

***

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Why the long face?"

***

A cowboy bursts into an old West saloon and says, "I'm so thirsty I could lick the sweat off of a bull's balls."

A cowboy two stools down leans over, blows him a kiss and says, "Moo, moo buckaroo."

***

A man walks into a bar, orders a Glenfiddich and says to the bartender, "Barney, I just can't figure my wife out. She's so moody; I'm walking on eggshells in my own house."

"Get her," says Barney, "a mood ring."

"Great idea." He finishes his drink and leaves. A week later he walks in and orders a Glenfiddich.

"How is," asks Barney, "that mood ring working out for you?"

"Pretty good. When she's sad it's green; when she's happy it's blue; when she's pissed off it leaves a big fucking red mark in the middle of my forehead."

***

A man walks into a bar, orders a Mai Tai and asks for a menu. "Hey, bartender how come there's no soup on the menu?"

"Because," said the bartender, "I just wiped it off."

***

A drop-dead-gorgeous woman walks into a bar. She orders a Cosmo and starts crying. "What's wrong?" asks the bartender.

"My new husband lost all his money in the stock market."

"And you feel badly for him?"

"Yes," she says, "he's going to miss me terribly."

***

A famous writer walks into a bar and orders five shots of tequila. "Problems buddy?"

"I've lost my writing ability. My last three books all suck."

"They're probably just as good as your first three," says the bartender. "Perhaps your taste has improved?"

***

A blonde walks into a bar and orders a sloe gin fizz. "Don't you recognize me?" asks the bartender. "Four years ago I asked you to marry me."

She says, "And did I?"

***

A man walks into a bar in Hawaii and sees his old college roommate sitting at a table, "What are you doing here?"

"My business burned to the ground and I'm taking a little vacation on the $500,000 insurance settlement."

"What a coincidence," he says, "my business was destroyed in a flood and I'm here taking a vacation on the $3,000,000 insurance settlement."

"Wow. How do you start a flood?"

***

A man walks into a bar in Texas and says to the bartender, "Have you heard the latest joke about President Bush?"

"I must tell you," says the bartender, "that I'm the President's first cousin."

"Okay," he says, "I'll tell it real slow."

***

A man walks into a bar and orders coffee. "No scotch today?" asks the bartender.

"No, I'm too depressed to drink. My wife has cut my sexual activity down to once a week. Saturday morning from 8:00 to 8:15."

"Don't feel badly. I know five or six guys she's cut off completely."

***

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "Do you like Moosehead?"

"Yes I do."

"Not me."

"Why not?"

"It leaves antler scratches all over my stomach."

***

A Scotsman walks into a bar and the female bartender asks, "Do you wear anything under that kilt?"

"Stick your hand up there, Lassie, and see for yourself."

She does and touches his cock. "Gruesome."

"Aye," he says, "touch it again and it'll grew some more."

***

A man walks into a bar, right up to a beautiful woman and asks, "May I buy you a drink?"

She shouts, "I WILL NOT SLEEP WITH YOU TONIGHT!"

Everyone staring, he walks away and orders a Corona. Five minutes later she approaches his table and says, "Look, I'm sorry. I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm writing a paper on how people react to unexpected stress in public."

He shouts, "TWO HUNDRED BUCKS FOR A BLOWJOB? ARE YOU FUCKING CRAZY?"

***

A man walks into a bar and orders an Amstel Light. The bartender says, "What's shaking, Harry?"

"My girlfriend just walked out on me."

"There's plenty of other fish in the sea."

"Yeah, but this one took all my bait."

***

A man walks into a bar with a gunny sack and says to the bartender, "If I show you the most amazing thing you've ever seen is my beer is on the house?"

"Sure."

He reaches into the sack and pulls out a hamster and a small piano. The hamster stands on his hind legs and plays Chopsticks. "I'll need to see more," says the bartender. The man pulls a bullfrog from the sack and he sings, to the hamster's accompaniment, The Star Spangled Banner.

A man at the end of the bar says, "I'll give you $100 for that frog."

"Sure."

The man takes the bullfrog and leaves.

The bartender says, "Buddy, you just gave away a fortune."

"Not really. The hamster's a ventriloquist."

***

A man walks into a bar and sees his wife's ex-husband. The ex-husband says, "How does it feel, sleeping with a used woman?"

"Feels real good. Especially since it's so easy to get past the part you used."

***

A man walks into a bar and sees Jimmy Kimmel at the end of the bar. "Hey Jimmy," he says, "I manufacture lingerie. How about giving me a plug on your show?"

"Depends. What's in it for me?"

"I'll send you a top-of-the line black silk teddy."

"Like I said; depends upon what's in it for me."

***

A man walks into a bar and decides to treat himself to a $150 shot of Louis XIII. The bartender heats a snifter, pours the drink and says, "That'll be a dollar."

"A dollar?"

"Yeah."

"Why only a dollar?"

"Because I'm doing to the owner of this bar what he's doing to my wife every Tuesday night while I'm at work."

***

A man walks into a bar and sees the same beautiful woman he's seen there for the last two months. He walks up to her and says, "Please come home with me?"

"I'm sorry, but I'm remaining chaste until I find my true love."

"That must be difficult."

"It's not so bad for me, but it's really pissing off my husband."

***

A man walks into a bar along with a pig that has three wooden legs. He orders a beer and the bartender says, "What's up with the prosthetic porker?"

"That just ain't no regular pig, that's Hero Hog. Pulled me and my family from our burning house one night."

"Was he injured in the fire?"

"Nope."

"Then why the three wooden legs?"

"Dammit, that pig's just too brave to eat all at once."

***

A man and his wife walk into a bar and proceed to get pleasantly drunk. She says, "I'm tipsy. You can do anything you want with me tonight."

So he dropped her off at her mother's and went back to the bar.

***

A man walks into a bar and asks for a menu. After studying it he asks the barkeep, "How do you prepare the chicken?"

The barkeep replies, "We tell her straight up she's going to die."

***

George W. Bush and Dick Cheney walk into a bar and order scotches. The barman serves them and says, "What brings you to this dive bar?"

"We're planning World War III. We're going to kill a whole lot of civilians and a beautiful blonde with big tits," says Cheney.

"Why kill a blonde with big tits?" asks the barman.

"See George," says Cheney, "I told you no one would care about the civilians."

***

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. He says to the man next to him, "I am so upset. I can't believe what creatures of habit we humans are."

"Say what?"

"I just got married. We screwed and I got up, opened my wallet and left $100 on the pillow."

"Jesus, I can see why you're upset."

"It's not that. The bitch gave me back $50 in change."

***

Doc Murphy walks into a bar and orders his favorite, an almond daiquiri. The doc's a regular customer so the bartender doesn't tell him they're out of almonds, he just makes one with hickory nuts. Doc takes a sip, "Refreshing, but different. Is this an almond daiquiri?"

"No," says the bartender. "It's a hickory-daiquiri-doc."

***

A man walks into a bar with a grocery sack beneath his arm. He sets the sack on the bar and removes a live human head. He says, "Everybody, this is my cousin Pierre. He was born without neck, arms, torso, or legs. Today is his 21st birthday and he's having his first drink." So the bartender pours a gin-and-tonic and sets it in front of him. Pierre sucks it up through a straw and says, "Put me on the barstool, quick." As soon as he's on the barstool—POP—a torso bursts out. He has another sip and a right arm pops out. Another sip; left arm. Another sip; right leg. Another sip; left leg. Another sip; cock-and-balls. Pierre says, "I'm going to go get laid." He runs out into the street, gets hit by a bus and dies.

The bartender says, "Maybe he should have quit while he was a head?"

***

A man walks into a bar with an attaché case and a sexy and stunning woman. He buys a round and tips the bartender $1000. "Wow," says the barkeep, "You must be the luckiest guy in the world. A beautiful woman and money."

"I'll show you how lucky I am." He opens the attaché case and extracts a small piano, a piano stool, and a man about a foot tall, dressed in a tuxedo. The man in the tuxedo bows, sits on the stool and plays a Chopin etude.

"Wow," says the bartender, "where'd you get the piano player?"

"I found a lamp in a closet, rubbed it and a genie popped out. Three wishes later I had the world's sexiest gal, $10,000,000, and a 12 inch pianist."

***

A man walks into a bar and after a few drinks a debate on Iraq ensues. The man says to the bartender, "We should just take our Constitution and give it to the Iraqis. It's worked for us for over 200 years."

"Besides," says the bartender, "we're not using it anymore."

***

A homeless guy walks into a bar, "Get out," says the bartender, "no charity here."

"No charity expected. I'm here to earn my drinks. That buffet over there is covered with flies. Give me three shots of brandy and I'll fix that problem permanently."

"Really?"

"Oh yeah."

The bartender sets him up and the guy gulps the brandies down, then heads for the door. "Where are you going?"

The bum stops and rolls up his sleeves, "When the flies are ready send 'em out one at a time."

***

A beautiful young lady walks into a biker bar and orders a Bud Lite. She drinks half of it and slumps to the bar, passed out. So the bikers lay her on the pool table, pull down her pants and, one-after-one, pull a train. They prop her back up on the barstool where she awakes, finishes her beer, pays, tips and leaves. She returns the next day, orders another Bud Lite and the same scenario unfolds. She returns the next day—the bar is overflowing—and says, "Tanqueray tonic, please."

"What," says the bartender, "no Bud Lite?"

"No," she says, "there's this funny thing about Bud Lite."

"What?"

She says, "It makes my pussy sore."

***

A man walks into a bar and sees three guys on bar stools masturbating furiously. He says, "What the hell is going on here?"

They stop stroking long enough to point to a sign that reads:

FIRST COME, FIRST SERVED

***

A man walks into a bar in Madrid and gestures that he wants a beer. He's been there a week and is exceedingly frustrated with the language barrier. He's delighted when a Spanish beauty sits down next to him and says, "Hi."

"You speak English?

"A little."

"How much?"

"About $200 worth."

***

A man walks into a bar and says, "Give me a beer."

The barkeep says, "What kind?"

"Anything but that fucking Becks."

"What's wrong with Becks? It's a great beer."

"Well, last week I drank a case of it and I was up all night blowing chunks."

"That's not the beer's fault. That's too much to drink."

"You don't understand," he says. "You see, chunks, is my dog."

***

A man walks into a bar and approaches a lady: "Would you sleep with me for $1,000,000?"

"Sure, what the hell."

"How about for $50?"

"I am not a prostitute."

"Actually, we've established exactly what you are; we're just talking price now."

***

A three-legged dog walks into a bar and says, "I want the man who shot my paw."

***

Nostradamus walks into a bar. The bartender says,

"What can I get you?"

Nostradamus says, "I knew you were going to say

that."

***

A man walks into a bar in Chinatown and says to the bartender, "Give me a Stohli with a twist."

The bartender says, "Alright, once upon a time there were three rittle pigs..."

***

An army private walks into a bar and says, "Give me a triple Bushmills with a beer back."

The bartender says, "Tough day soldier?"

"You wouldn't believe it. I have these terrible knees, so I'm assigned to the motor pool. By mistake they signed me up for parachute training. So I'm up on this plane, scared shitless, and I keep unhooking and unhooking my parachute until I'm at the back of the line. When it's my turn to jump I told the Jump Master about the motor pool and the mistake and my bad knees."

"What'd he say?"

"He told me that I'm jumping or he's going to stick his stiff fat cock right up the crack of my ass."

"Did you jump?"

"A little at first, but you know, I kind of got used to it."

***

A Texas rancher walks into a bar and sits next to a farmer from Vermont. They both order beers and start talking business. "How big," asks the Texan, "is your spread?"

"Eight hundred acres. How big is yours?"

"It's so fucking big that I can hop in my pickup and drive for two days and I'm still on my own property."

"Yup," says the New Englander, "I had a truck like that once."

***

A pony walks into a bar and the bartender says, "What can I get you?"

"I'd like a hot brandy," says the pony. "I'm a little hoarse today."

***

A man walks into a bar and orders a triple Jack Daniels. "You must have had a helluva day," says the bartender.

"Yeah," he says, "I found out my older brother's gay."

Next day, same time, "Give me a triple Crown Royal."

"Another bad day?"

"Yeah, I found out my younger brother is gay."

Next day, same time, "Give me a triple Captain Morgan."

"Doesn't," says the bartender, "anybody in your family eat pussy?"

"Apparently," he says, "my wife does."

***

A man walks into a bar, orders a glass of wine, drinks it and eats the glass, leaving just the stem. He pays, tips, and leaves. The other customer at the bar says, "What a fucking idiot."

"I know," says the bartender. "The stem is the best part."

***

A woman walks into a bar wearing a full length fur coat. The bartender said, "Lady, that's terrible. Do you know how many animals died so you could wear that coat?"

She says, "Do you know many animals I had to fuck to get this coat?"

***

A man with an alligator walks into a bar and asks, "Do you serve IRS agents here?"

"Of course," says the bartender.

"Great. I'll take a margarita and my gator will have a couple of IRS agents."

***

A man walks into a bar and the bartender asks, "Why so sad?"

He says, "My wife told me she's only going to do it in the Missionary position."

"Nuthin' wrong with that."

"She meant her on her back in bed and me in Africa."

***

A woman walks into a bar, orders a Tuaca, drinks it and says, "I don't have any money, but I'll show you my twat."

"Sure," says the barkeep. She pulls up her dress and he says, "Christ lady, don't you have something smaller?"

***

Elvis Presley walks into a bar in 1973, sits down on a bar stool and orders a beer. The lady at the end of the bar says, "King, I love you, and I would do anything for you. Anything."

"Anything?"

"Anything."

"So baby," says the King, "are you gonna eat those French fries?"

***

A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I think my wife's cheating on me."

"I have," says the bartender, "a brother-in-law who owns a pet store and he has this parrot who is like a tape recorder. Put him in your bedroom and he'll tell you exactly what's been going on."

"Sounds good."

"There's only one problem, this bird doesn't have any legs. So you have to help him down from his perch to eat, drink, and crap."

"I'll do it. She's driving me crazy."

The man gets the bird, sets it up in the bedroom and goes off to work. He returns that evening and says, "Okay bird, what happened today?"

"Braaak. Pool boy in the bedroom, braaak."

"What happened?"

"Kissing. Braaak."

"What happened then?"

"Your wife took off her clothes. Braaak."

"What happened then?"

"Braaak. Don't know. Got a hard-on and fell off my perch."

***

An Irishman walks into a bar and says, "I'll take three shots of Irish Whiskey."

"I could put those in one glass for you," says the bartender.

"Thank you, but no. You see there is a method to my drinking in such a manner. This shot is mine; this is for my brother Edward, this for my brother Dennis both of whom still reside in Ireland. Drinking in such a manner warms my heart as well as me liver."

"God bless you, old man."

For years the Irishman comes in everyday at the same time for three shots of Irish Whiskey. Then one day he comes in: "Two shots of Irish, please."

The bartender is alarmed, "Are Dennis and Edward okay?"

"They're both fine. Right as rain. It's just that I've quit drinking."

***

A bodybuilder walks into a bar and says, "I bet anyone in here I can whip you at any physical challenge, you're a bunch of wimps."

A frail, shaky little alcoholic at the end of the bar says, "Okay you stupid-fucking-hairy-ass-ape, I bet you $500 I can wheelbarrow a load down the street that you'll never be able to bring back."

"You're on."

So everybody in the bar goes outside; a wheelbarrow is procured and the old boozer says to the bodybuilder, "Hop in, jackass."

***

A man walks into a bar and orders a Manhattan. The bartender serves it and the customer points to a hunk of parsley in the drink and says, "What the fuck is that?"

The bartender says, "Central Park."

***

A sailor walks into a bar and orders a double, then another. "Tough day?" asks the bartender.

"I've been diagnosed with a rare form of VD," he says. "And they're going to amputate my cock."

"Oh bullshit. There's a Chinese herbalist right around the corner who can cure anything. Go look him up."

So the sailor leaves and is back in five minutes. He orders another double. The barkeep says, "Do you still need your cock amputated?"

"No."

"Good."

"Apparently it'll fall off in three days."

***

A skeleton walks into a bar and says, "Give me a pitcher of beer and a mop."

***

A man walks into a bar and the bartender greets him, "Hey Pete."

"Call me Lucky."

"Why Lucky?"

"Because me and my girlfriend were screwing last night and we were making so much noise the downstairs neighbor fired his pistol and he shot my nuts off."

"That ain't so lucky."

"He shoots ten seconds sooner and I take the bullet right between the eyes."

***

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender what's up with the old guy in the corner booth who's surrounded with beautiful women. "I don't get it myself," says the barkeep. "Sully's not rich; not handsome. He's over 70; he just sits there all day, licking his eyebrows."

***

A man walks into a bar in heaven and notices that the huge lounge's walls are covered with clocks. He orders a Campari and soda and asks, "What's up with all the clocks?"

"Everyone on earth has a clock. The hands go faster when you masturbate and you lose time on earth."

"I noticed my wife doesn't have a clock on the wall."

"I know, we keep hers in the lobby and use it as a fan."

***

Two Viagra pills walk into a bar and sit next to two marijuana plants. One plant says to the other, "I don't get it. Why aren't we legal? We don't hurt anyone."

The other plant turned to the Viagra pills and asked, "Don't you think we should be legal?"

"No," said one pill.

"Why not?"

The other pill scoffed, "Because we're hard-on drugs."

***

A woman walks into a bar and says, "Bring me a beer."

"Anheuser-Busch?"

"Fine," she says. "And how's your cock?"

***

A gay guy walks into a bar, orders a fuzzy navel and says to the bartender, "If you come back to my place the pizza is on me."

"What kind of pizza?"

He winks, "Extra large, hold the sausage."

***

The bar owner walks out of his bar, drives home and falls asleep. At 4 a.m. he is awakened by the phone. A booze-slurred voice says, "What time do you open in the morning?"

"I wouldn't let someone as drunk as you in my place."

"I need to know what time you open in the morning because I'm locked inside your place."

***

A WWF champion walks into a bar tosses a wad of bills down and announces, "I'll wrestle anybody for a $1000."

Bob, who's been drinking since noon, says, "You're on."

The bartender says, "Slow down Bob. This guy will kill you."

"I'll kick his fuckin' ass," says the drunk.

Chairs and tables are moved aside and immediately Bob is taken to the floor and bent in half with his legs over his head. Then a miraculous reversal takes place. Bob escapes, then turns around and pins the professional. He takes the money from the bar. The bartender says, "That was incredible. How'd you do it?"

"You'd be amazed," says Bob, "at the strength you can muster after you bite your own testicles."

***

A drunk walks into a bar and says to the female bartender, "Knock knock."

She replies, "Who's there?"

"Emerson."

"Emerson, who?"

"Emerson pretty big tits you got there."

***

A writer walks into a bar and orders an ouzo. "How's the writing game?" asks the bartender.

"Not too good, I sent a article to Reader's Digest and it came back with a rejection slip."

"What was the name of the article?"

The writer says, "I Fucked a Bear."

"No wonder it got rejected. You have to improve the title."

A month later the writer returns and orders an ouzo. "How's the writing game?" asks the bartender.

"Not too good, I sent the article back into Reader's Digest and it came back with a rejection slip."

"What did you rename the article?"

"I Fucked a Bear for the FBI ."

"No wonder it got rejected again. You really have to improve the title."

A month later the writer returns and orders an ouzo. "How's the writing game?" asks the bartender.

"Pretty good. Reader's Digest finally accepted my article."

"So you took my advice and improved the name of the article?"

"Yep."

"What did you change it to?"

"I Fucked a Bear for the FBI and Found Jesus."

***

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. He notices, on the bar stool next to his, a man with a string hanging out the back collar of his shirt. He asks, "What's the string for, buddy?"

"I had a date with this hot bitch last night and I couldn't get it up. So I tied a string around my cock and after every drink I pull it and make my cock bend over and kiss my ass."

***

A lady walks into a bar and says to the bartender "Get me a glass of champagne." And then she bursts into tears.

"What's wrong?" asks the bartender.

I went to the grocery store today and the courtesy clerk looked up my skirt and said, "I'd like to fill your pussy with beer and drink it."

"What does this courtesy clerk look like?" asks the bartender.

"Why? Are you be going to be chivalrous and kick his ass for me?"

"No. I just wanna meet somebody who could drink that much beer."

***

A writer walks into a bar and orders a beer. "How's the literary endeavors lately?" asks the bartender.

"Pretty good. I write six hours; every day."

"Have you sold anything?"

"Yes. My television, my car, and my baseball card collection."

***

A man walks into a bar, sits next to a beautiful woman and asks, "Can I paint you in the nude?"

She says, "Sure, but I'm not a model."

"That's okay, he says, "I'm not a painter."

***

#  ANIMALS, ANIMALS, ANIMALS...

Why doesn't Smokey Bear have any children?

Because every time his wife gets hot he throws dirt on her and beats her with a shovel.

***

A lady brings her Schnauzer to the vets. The receptionist asks her what's wrong with the dog. The lady shows her the dog's ear, which has an ingrown hair. "I'll save you some money," says the receptionist. "Just go down to the drug store and get some hair remover and rub it on the dog's ear. You won't need to see the doctor."

"Thanks." She goes to the drug store and says to the clerk, "Do you have hair remover?"

"What kind, lotion or spray?"

"What's the difference?"

"You use the lotion for armpits. Rub it on and wait five minutes. Rub it off. But don't wear anything tight-fitting for a day."

"It's not for my armpits."

"Then use the spray for your legs. Spray it on. Wait. Wash it off. But don't wear nylons for a day."

"It's not for my legs either."

Confused, the clerk says, "What is it for?"

"It's for my Schnauzer."

"Use the lotion. But don't ride a bike for a couple of days."

***

Why can't worms dance?

They don't have any balls.

***

Why don't roosters wear boxer shorts?

Their peckers are on their faces.

***

What do you get when you cross a rooster with an owl?

A cock that stays up all night.

***

What's green and smells like pork?

Kermit the Frog's dick.

***

Why do male rabbits fuck so quietly?

They've got cotton balls.

***

What do you call a group of rabbits all jumping backwards in unison?

A receding hare line.

***

Why does Miss Piggy douche with vinegar and honey?

Because Kermit loves sweet-and-sour pork.

***

Why do dogs lick their balls?

Because they can.

***

Why did the horny rooster cross the gymnasium?

He heard the ref was blowing fouls.

***

What does a man do standing up that a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?

Shake hands.

***

Why don't lobsters play well with others?

They're shellfish.

***

A worm comes up from a hole and sees another worm. He says, "Wanna fuck?"

"I'm your other end, dipshit."

***

"What's the most unusual pet you have?" asked the lady.

"I have a frog that," said the pet store owner, "loves to eat pussy."

"I'll take it."

She's back the next day, "I want my money back."

"Why?"

"He didn't eat anything except some flies."

"You must be doing something wrong. Let's go to your place."

They do and he says, "Show me exactly what you did." She takes off her clothes, sits on the bed and places the frog in front of her twat.

Nothing.

The guy picks the frog up, hands it to the woman. He kneels in front of her spread legs and says to the frog, "This is the last time I'm going to show you."

***

What did mama earthworm say to baby earthworm when he came home late?

"Where in earth have you been?"

***

A zookeeper brought his wife to the zoo. In front of the gorilla cage he told her, "Strip. I'll unlock this cage and I want you to go inside."

"Why?"

"I want you to tell him you have a fucking headache."

***

An American is touring Scotland by bicycle when he sees a man with his kilt hiked up, fucking a sheep. The American stops and the Scot says, "What are you staring at, Yank?"

"We have sheep in our country, but we don't do that to them."

"What do you do to sheep in your country, laddie?"

"We shear them."

"Get your own; I'm not shearing with nobody."

***

Why do Scotsmen wear kilts?

Because sheep are spooked by the sound of a zipper.

***

What's the difference between a small town prostitute and an elephant?

One lies on its back for peanuts. The other lives at the zoo.

***

What do a prostitute and Bambi have in common?

They both do it for the bucks.

***

A blind snake and a blind rabbit bumped into each other in the forest. The rabbit asked the snake to tell him what kind of animal he was. "I don't know," said the snake, "I'm blind."

"Me too," said the rabbit.

So they agree to describe each other through Braille. The snake wrapped himself around the rabbit and said, "Furry. Two big ears. Quite soft."

"I'm a rabbit!"

"Do me now," said the snake.

The rabbit palpated the snake and said, "You're cold and slimy. You have no legs to stand on and I can't honestly tell your head from your ass."

"Oh God," said the snake. "I'm a lawyer!"

***

What does a puppy do that a man steps into?

Pants.

***

Horace, the old bull, knew his servicing days were over but the farmer still kept him in the pasture with the cows. When the new, young, virile bull arrived the old bull ran right up to him. The farmer said to the old bull, "You'd be crazy to fight him, Horace."

"Fight him?" said Horace. "I want to show him that I'm not a fucking cow."

***

A chicken and an egg are smoking a cigarette in bed after sex. Which came first?

***

The wolf leapt out of the bushes and said to Red Riding Hood: "I'm gonna eat you."

"For Crissakes," she said, "doesn't anybody just fuck anymore?"

***

What's the best way to keep a dog from humping your leg?

Give him a blowjob.

***

"I am," said the hawk, "the most forceful and powerful animal in the forest because I swoop my prey out of midair at 100mph."

"I am," said the mountain lion, "the most forceful and powerful because I can pounce on my prey from 30 feet away."

"I am," said the skunk, "the most forceful and powerful animal in the forest because with one flick of my tail I can drive anybody away."

A grizzly bear ambled up, then killed and ate all three: hawk, lion, and stinker.

***

Two goats wandered into the remains of a garage sale. They each ate a VCR tape before the homeowner shooed them away. "That was," said one, "a tasty little snack."

"To be honest," said the other, "I liked the book better."

***

What's the only animal not to enter Noah's ark in pairs?

Worms. They came in apples.

***

What's the difference between someone who can't shoot a gun and a chronically constipated owl?

The bad marksman shoots and never hits.

***

What's the difference between a diaperless baby at the beach and a seagull?

The seagull flits on the shore.

***

How do you circumcise a whale?

Foreskin divers.

***

Why does a chicken coop have two doors?

If it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan.

***

A cop pulled over a speeder and noticed that the backseat was crammed with penguins. "I'm writing you a speeding ticket and if you don't want one for animal endangerment you'd better take those penguins to the zoo right now."

The next day the cop pulled over the same car, again with penguins crammed into the rear seat. "Here's another ticket," said the cop, "and I thought I told you yesterday to take those penguins to the zoo."

"I did," said the driver, "and we had so much fun that today we're going to the circus."

***

There is a quaint country pub that had a little terrier as its mascot. The dog would drink beer from his dish and took care of any scraps that hit the floor. One day the dog died and they decided to remember him by cutting off his tail and leaving it on the pub's cash register. When the dog got up to heaven, St. Peter wouldn't let him in, because heaven is a place of perfection and the dog's tail was missing. So that night the dog went to earth and appeared in the middle of the night to get his tail back and its owner said, "Sorry I can't help you."

"Why not?"

"My liquor license doesn't allow me to retail spirits after hours."

***

The king was a vegetarian so he forbade the killing of any animal. The deer, rabbits, buffaloes, cows, and sheep multiplied and destroyed the crops and people were starving. So they revolted and overthrew their king. It was the first time in history that a reign was called on account of game.

***

Did you hear about the six silkworms that had a race?

It ended in a tie.

***

What does a snail say while riding on a turtle?

"Slow down, slow down!"

***

How do you catch a unique rabbit?

Unique up on it.

***

How do you catch a tame rabbit?

Tame way, unique up on it.

***

Why is the camel called The Ship of the Desert?

Because it's filled with Arab semen.

***

How do you make a rabbit drink?

Put it in a blender.

***

An old lady buys a parrot. When she gets it home she says, "Polly want a cracker?"

The bird responds, "Cocksucking, motherfucking, big bald bitch, you got a ping-pong pussy like a B-56. I hate to scream about yo mama she's a good old soul, with a stretched out cunt and a rubber asshole."

"My God! I've never heard such obscenity." She calls her pastor and explains the situation.

"I have a female parrot," he says, "that prays constantly. Perhaps we should get them together and the prayers will rub off on him."

The pastor brings his bird over and they immediately start screwing. The female bird screeches, "My fucking prayers have finally been answered!"

***

What did Kermit the Frog say when Jim Henson died?

Nothing. He couldn't talk anymore.

***

How do you make dinosaur bacon?

You use Jurassic pork.

***

A chicken farmer wanted to rate his roosters; he wanted to know, which rooster mounted his laying hens (also known as pullets) most frequently. So he tied different bells around the roosters' necks so he knew who was getting busy and who wasn't. Much to his surprise he hadn't heard his prize rooster, Big Balls Bobby's bell ring all morning so he took a stroll through the barnyard and noticed that Bobby had taken the bell in his beak so it wouldn't ring and he would sneak up behind a pullet, do his business and continue on to the next one. Bobby was so smart that the farmer decided to enter him in the state fair. Bobby was national news; not only did he win the No Bell Prize, but he also took home the Pullet Surprise.

***

Two mice were in a strip club. One says, "Check out all that ass."

The other says, "Buttcrack just don't do it for me. I'm a titmouse."

***

A lady walks, crying, into a taxidermist's. She's carrying two dead finches. Through her tears she says, "I'd like to have them stuffed."

"And mounted?"

"Certainly not, they were just close friends."

***

How do porcupines have sex?

Carefully.

***

The farmer gets a new rooster. The old rooster says, "There is no need to fight over the hens. I'll race you once around the barnyard for them."

"Sure."

"But since I'm so much older than you, I'll need a ten yard head start."

"Sure."

And off they go, right past the farmer who pulls out a shotgun and shoots the young rooster. "Dammit," he says. "That the third faggot bird I've gotten this month."

***

What did the frog say to his wife after oral sex?

"You know, we do taste just like chicken."

***

A little boy tapped on the cockatiel's cage: "Birdie, can you talk?"

"Fuck yeah," said the bird, "can you fly?"

***

A veterinarian's daughter attending Stanford wrote home for money for a mountain bike. But the bike store was right next to a pet store that had the cutest little capuchin monkey in the window. She bought the monkey, but it got sick and started losing his hair. She called her dad and said, "All the hair is falling off my monkey. What should I do?"

"Sell that goddam bike."

***

What's a lap dog?

An ugly woman who gives great head.

***

How do you say pussy in Chinese?

Tung Chow.

***

What's invisible and smells like carrots?

Rabbit farts.

***

What's the difference between a wife and a house cat?

One is a finicky eater that doesn't give a shit about your personal well-being and the other one is a house pet.

***

Two eagles are soaring over the Rockies when a B-52 came screaming past. "Look," said one eagle, "at that fucker go."

"You'd move like that too," said the other, "if you had four assholes and they were all on fire."

***

Why'd the parrot think he was gay?

Because he kissed a cockatoo.

***

What do you get when you cross a rooster and M&Ms?

A cock melts that melts in your mouth, not in your hand.

***

What do you call a female peacock?

A peacunt.

***

Did you hear about the blind skunk?

He tried to hump a fart.

***

What do you get when you cross a pit bull and a collie?

A dog, that after it mauls you, goes for help.

***

What do you call a flying skunk?

A smell-a-copter.

***

How do you know where pink flamingos live?

By all the plastic white trash figurines on their front lawns.

***

What did the worm say to the caterpillar?

"Who'd you have to fuck to get that fur coat?"

***

What's meaner than a pit bull with AIDS?

The faggot who gave it to him.

***

What goes: "Hoppity...clank...Hoppity...clank"?

The Easter Bunny with polio.

***

"Have you fucked your new girlfriend yet?" said one Tyrannosaurus Rex to the other.

"No. We went away for the weekend. I got her drunk and had her in the mood; but then, wouldn't you know it, she gets her century."

***

Did you hear about the paranoid blood hound?

He was certain people were following him.

***

What do you get when you cross a porcupine and a tapeworm?

Twenty-five feet of barbed wire.

***

Mama wide-mouth-frog wondered what she should feed her new wide-mouth-frog baby. So she swam across the river to mama hippo and said, "Hi mama hippo, I'm mama wide-mouth-frog and I have a new wide-mouth-frog baby. What do you feed your hippo babies?"

"I feed them the shoots and leaves of tender water plants."

"Thanks." And mama wide-mouth-frog hopped onto land and approached mama giraffe. "Hi mama giraffe," said mama wide-mouth-frog. "I just had a wide-mouth-frog baby. What do you feed your giraffe babies?"

"I feed them the tender, new green shoots of acacia."

"Thanks." And mama wide-mouth-frog hopped over to mama heron. "Hi mama heron," said mama wide-mouth-frog, "I just had a wide-mouth-frog baby. What do you feed your heron babies?"

"I feed them mama wide-mouth-frogs."

Mama wide-mouth-frog said, "Ooooooo fuck."

***

A panda bear walks into a restaurant and orders a BLT. He enjoys his sandwich, but when the waiter brings the bill he pulls out a gun and kills him. Then he walks out without paying. The manager chases and catches him and asks, "Who do you think you are? You kill my waiter and then leave without paying?"

"I'm a panda bear."

"So?"

The panda hands the manager a dictionary, "Look up panda."

"Lemme see, lemme see. Here we go: Panda. Eats shoots and leaves."

***

A penguin is driving through town when his car breaks down. He has it towed to the mechanic's. It's a hot day so he goes to get an ice cream. He eats the ice cream walking back to the mechanic's. Because it's so hot, the cone is messy and he gets it all over his chin. The mechanic says, "It looks like you blew a seal."

"No," says the penguin, "it's just ice cream."

***

Why are fish so thin?

Because they eat fish.

***

Farmer John borrowed his neighbor's bull and assigned his son to watch and make sure that the bull serviced both the white cow and the brown cow. After 20 minutes of observation the little kid popped his head into the house and yelled, "Dad, the bull just fucked the white cow."

"Why don't we use the term surprised the brown cow next time."

A half-hour later he popped his head into the house and dad asked him, "Did the bull surprise the brown cow?"

"Sure enough did," said the kid. "He fucked the white cow again."

***

Two guys were out walking their girlfriends' dogs when they amble by a bar. Wanting a beer badly they look longingly at the patrons sipping suds, but they also see the NO DOGS ALLOWED sign. But one guy strolls in with his dog, pretending to be blind. The barmaid helps him to a stool and gets him a beer. The other guy enters, also pretending to be blind. The bartender says, "No dogs allowed, buddy."

"But this is my Seeing Eye dog."

"A Chihuahua?"

"A Chihuahua?" he says. "They gave me a fucking Chihuahua?"

***

Did you hear about Randolph the Brown Nosed Reindeer?

He was as fast as Rudolph but couldn't stop as quickly.

***

A mother is walking her seven year old daughter down the street when they see two dogs fucking. "Mommy," says the girl, "what are they doing?"

"The dog in front is sick and the one in back is pushing it to the hospital."

***

An old bull and a young bull are standing in a field. The young bull says, "I have a great idea. Let's run down the hill, jump over the fence, swim across the river, climb up the bank to the pasture and fuck one of those cows."

"I have a better idea," says the old bull. "Why don't we walk down the hill, open the gate, walk slowly across the bridge, then up into the pasture and fuck them all."

***

What do you have when you run over a bird with a lawnmower?

Shredded Tweet.

***

Why shouldn't you play cards in Africa?

Too many cheetahs.

***

What do Kermit the Frog and Smokey the Bear have in common?

The same middle name.

***

A hiker enters a clearing and a wonderful smell assaults him. He follows his nose until he arrives at a meticulously kept campsite. There he discovers the source of the wonderful aroma: three little birds roasting on a spit. The hiker asks the camper, "What's for dinner?"

The camper replies, "Spotted owl."

"Spotted owl? They're endangered."

"And delicious."

Curious, the hungry hiker asks, "What do they taste like?"

The camper thinks, then replies: "A lot like bald eagle."

***

How do you make a cat sound like a dog?

Douse it with gasoline and set it on fire: Woof.

***

What did the brown gerbil say to the white gerbil?

"Say, are you new around here?"

***

An old lady lived alone with her dog. She was cleaning the attic and rubbed a dusty lamp. Out pops a genie who grants her three wishes: "One," she said, "I never want to worry about money again. Two, I want to be young and beautiful. Three, I want you to change my best friend, my dog, into a handsome prince."

Poof! Money appears. Poof! She's beautiful again. Poof! Her dog becomes a prince. They kiss and the dog says, "What a fucking pity you had my balls cut off."

***

Why does the Easter Bunny hide all his eggs?

He doesn't want his wife to know he's been fucking chickens.

***

A duck walks into a drug store. The clerk says, "May I help you?"

The duck says, "Give me some Chap Stick."

"First of all, you don't have any lips. Second of all you don't have any money."

The duck says, "Just put it on my bill."

***

What did Bambi say when she ran out of the woods?

"I'll never do that for five bucks again."

***

Why do elephants have four feet?

Because two feet just won't satisfy a female elephant.

***

A gorilla escapes from the zoo so they send out the gorilla catcher. He finds the gorilla in a tree not far away from the zoo. He unloads a dog, a saw, a pair of handcuffs, and a shotgun from his truck. The gorilla catcher walks up to a fireman who has just arrived at the scene and hands him the shotgun. The fireman says, "How do you catch a gorilla?"

"I'm going to climb the tree," says the gorilla catcher, "and saw off the branch the gorilla's standing on. This here dog is specially trained; when the ape hits the ground the dog will clamp onto his testicles. At this point I'll jump on his back, cuff him and throw him in the truck."

"What's the shotgun for?"

He says, "That's in case the gorilla knocks me out of the tree. You shoot that fucking dog."

***

A Czech and a Bulgarian are hunting bear in the mountains. They are attacked and eaten by a male and female bear. Which hunter did the female bear eat?

The Bulgarian, because the Czech is always in the male.

***

An executive arrives at work and his secretary says, "Today's your mom's birthday. Did you forget again?"

"Yes, I did. Thank you for the reminder."

He enters his office and phones the pet store. "My mom's been recently widowed and I'd like to get her a companion pet."

"You're in luck, we have a parrot here that speaks English, French, and Italian. Wonderful companion."

"Great, have him delivered with a card that reads From Your Loving Son."

"I gotta tell you buddy, this bird costs $10,000."

"Nothing is too costly for my mother."

"Done."

So the executive waits until late afternoon to call his mom. "Happy Birthday Mom. Did you get the bird?"

"Yes. Thank you," she says. "It was delicious."

***

Rabbi Zimmerman bought a parrot. Like a good rabbi he said his prayers in Hebrew everyday. The parrot was an exceptional mimic and soon learned the Rabbi's prayers. "Wow," said the Rabbi to his wife. We could make a fortune with this bird." So when Hanukah rolled around he brought the bird to the synagogue and bet his cronies that the bird knew ten minutes worth of rabbinical prayers. The bets were laid, but the parrot wouldn't say a word. Rabbi Zimmerman paid off all the bets and said to the bird, "So it's now that you get a knot in your tongue?"

"Think," said the parrot, "of the odds we'll get on Rosh Hashanna."

***

A baby polar bear asks his mother, "Am I 100% polar bear."

"Think about it, dear," she says. "I'm a polar bear and your dad's a polar bear. You have polar bear grandparents on each side. Of course you're 100% polar bear. Why?"

"Because I'm freezing my fucking nuts off."

***

Bob and Sally received a parrot as a gift. But the bird was rude, constantly saying "Fucking-A-right-you-motherfucking-asshole! Fucking-A-right-you-motherfucker! Fucking-A-right-you-motherfucking-asshole!"

Sally said, "Bob we gotta do something about that bird."

So Bob put the parrot in the freezer for an hour, "What do you have to say for yourself now?"

"Nothing sir, I'm done with the swearing."

"Good."

"Just one question, please?"

"Okay."

"What exactly did the chicken do?"

***

What did the male spotted owl say to the female spotted owl?

"What do you mean you have a headache; we're an endangered fucking species."

***

How does a woman get rid of cockroaches?

She asked them for a commitment.

***

What do you do when a pit bull starts humping your leg?

Fake an orgasm.

***

Two vultures boarded a plane. Each had two dead rabbits. The stewardess said, "Sorry. Only one carrion per person."

***

Did you hear about Hollywood's latest nature movie?

It's a tragic tale of the dysfunctional salmon, who only wanted to float downstream.

***

Define blind spot.

What Dick and Jane did when they were drinking.

***

Why are dogs better than kids?

If your dog gets sick, you can just put it to sleep.

***

A marketing genius, despite all the success he enjoyed in his own field of endeavor, had but one goal in life and that was to own a cattle ranch. He cashed in all his assets and purchased 1,000 acres in eastern Oregon. A neighbor stopped by to welcome him to the area. The neighbor asked, "What did you name your cattle ranch?"

"I call it the, Crazy XYZ Bar Nothing Bob's Your Uncle Organic Hoofers Inc. ranch."

"Wow, what a great name. How many head of cattle do you run?"

"Zero. None of them survived the branding."

***

Why don't roosters have lips?

Because chickens don't have nipples.

***

What do you get when you cross a woodpecker with a carrier pigeon?

A bird that not only delivers the message, but knocks on your door when it gets there.

***

A lonely man says to the owner of the pet store, "I need a companion. What's best, a dog? Cat? Parrot?"

"Actually I've got a centipede that can talk and loves to drink."

Mr. Lonely buys the insect and brings it home. After dinner he says, "Hey centipede you want to go get a drink?"

No reply.

"Hey centipede you want to go get a drink?"

No reply.

"HEY CENTIPEDE YOU WANT TO GO GET A DRINK?"

"I heard you the first time, asshole."

"Why didn't you reply?"

"I was putting on my shoes."

***

What do a limp dick and a pissed-off rattlesnake have in common?

You don't fuck with either one.

***

The bullfrog pond floods and Mr. Scorpion says to Mr. Bullfrog, "I need a ride across the pond on your back or I'll drown."

"But we're enemies," says the bullfrog. "You'll sting me."

"I promise I won't. You can't leave me here to die."

"Okay, hop on." Halfway across the pond Mr. Bullfrog feels Mr. Scorpion's sting and the resulting paralysis. "Now we're both going to die. Why'd you sting me?"

"What did you expect? I'm a fucking scorpion."

***

How come the monkey fell out of the tree?

He was dead.

***

A lady walks into a pet store and asks, "Would you let a kitten go cheap?"

"I'd let them," says the clerk, "but they prefer to go meow."

***

Where does a bee put his stinger at night?

In his honey.

***

Why did God give ducks webbed feet?

So they could stomp out forest fires.

***

Why did God give elephants wide round feet?

So they could stomp out flaming ducks.

***

Two cows are standing in the field. One says, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."

"I don't believe you."

"It's true," she insists. "No bull."

***

A zebra escaped from the zoo and wandered onto a farm. She asked a cow, "What do you do?"

"I supply milk and butter."

She walked up to a hen, "What do you do?"

"I supply eggs."

She walked up to the bull and asked, "What do you do?"

"Slip out of those silly fucking pajamas and I'll show you."

***

A lion is feeling frisky, so he chases a monkey up a tree and says, "Who's the King of Beasts?"

"You are, Majesty," says the monkey.

Then he chases a deer across the river and says, "Who's the King of Beasts?"

"You are, Majesty," says the deer.

Then he charges an elephant. The elephant stands his ground. The lion says, "Who's the King of Beasts?" The elephant picks him up with his trunk, body slams the lion, stomps him twice and walks away.

"Jesus," says the lion, "just because you don't know the answer you don't have to be so pissy."

***

How do you make a dog sound like a cat?

Put him in a freezer for three days then push him through a buzz saw....meooow.

***

A man goes to the movies and sits behind a lady and a Great Dane. Amazingly the dog laughs at all the right places. Following the movie, the man says, "Lady, I'm astounded. Your dog laughed at exactly the right places."

"I'm a little surprised myself," she says, "because he hated the book."

***

Three racehorses are braggingabout their track records. One says, "I've won three straight."

The second says, "Nine out of ten for me."

The third says, "Seven straight."

A greyhound walks into the stable and says, "I've won 200 straight."

"Wow," says the first horse. "A talking dog."

***

Bobby visits his girlfriend's parents for the first time, but he had a burrito for lunch and is suffering from terrible gas. He's in the living room and the parents' German Shepard takes a liking to him. While he's petting the dog, he lets a fart slip out.

"Rover!" says the mother.

Good, thinks the boyfriend, they think it's the dog. Feeling relieved he farts again.

"Rover!" says the father.

So he farts again.

"Rover," says the girlfriend, "get over here before he shits on you!"

***

What's the difference between a poodle and a pit bull?

When a pit bull humps your leg he gets to finish.

***

A talking dog goes to the unemployment office. The clerk says, "We can get you something with the circus."

"The circus," says the dog, "what would the circus want with a plumber?"

***

Did you hear about the cat that gave birth in the street?

She was arrested for littering.

***

A blind man in a grocery story was swinging his Seeing Eye dog around over his head. A clerk said, "Can I help you?"

"No," replied the blind man, "just looking around."

***

Three kids are fishing in the bayou. One says, "I saw on the Discovery Channel that the meanest animal on earth is a rhinoceros. It'll kill you even if you're in a jeep."

The second says, "I saw on Animal Planet that the meanest animal on earth is the Bengal tiger. It'll kill you for fun."

The third says, "My daddy says the meanest animal on earth lives in this here bayou. It's called a crocagator. It's got the head of an alligator on one end and the head of a crocodile on the other."

The others ask, "Is that what makes it so mean?"

"No," he replies, "what makes it so mean is that this critter can't shit."

***

What do a turtle and a prostitute have in common?

If they are on their backs they're fucked.

***

What do get when you cross a chiropractor with a veterinarian?

An animal cracker.

***

Two hikers in West Virginia discover a huge hole in the ground. They figure it's the opening to an abandoned coal mine. One of them picks up a rock throws it in. No sound. They throw in a bigger rock, still nothing. Then they pick up a sturdy six-foot piece of wood and toss that in. They still don't hear a sound, but after a few seconds a dog speeds between them and jumps into the cave. They continue their hike, meeting up with a little kid. They tell the kid about the suicidal dog and he says, "They can't be my dog, I have Billy leashed to a railroad tie."

***

A dog saw a sign in an office window: "Help Wanted. Must type 65 wpm. Computer skills a must. Bilingual." So the dog applies, types 75 words per minute and runs the computer perfectly. The boss says, "I'd love to hire you but you must also be bilingual."

The dog says, "Meow."

***

What has eight legs and an arm?

Two pit bulls.

***

A hunter wanted to purchase a bird dog so he drives to the local dog trainer. "You're in luck," says the trainer, "we just finished training the best dog we've ever had."

"Lemme see him work."

The trainer says "Butch!" and a pointer is immediately by his side. "Work." Butch walks up to a bush points, then rolls over twice.

"Why'd he roll over?"

"He's telling you there are two birds in that bush."

"Wow."

Butch points to another bush and rolls over five times.

The man says, "Five birds?"

"Right."

Then Butch points at a thicket, grabs a stick, sprints over and starts screwing another dog while tossing his head from side-to-side.

"What's he doing now?"

"He telling you there are more birds in that bush than you can shake a fucking stick at."

***

What do 500 pound gerbils do for shits and grins?

They shove gay guys up each other's asses.

***

Why were men given bigger brains than dogs?

So they wouldn't hump women's legs.

***

What do you call a flying turtle?

A shell-a-copter.

***

Two vultures had been sitting in a tree for hours scanning the ground below for carrion. One turned to the other and said, "Patience my ass. I'm gonna fucking kill something."

***

Why do dogs rub their noses in women's crotches?

Because they can.

***

Two bees meet in a field. One says, "What's up?"

"Things are terrible. The weather is so cold there are no flowers. I'm running out of honey."

"Fly over to the synagogue, there's a bar mitzvah today and the place is covered with flowers."

An hour later the bee returns wearing a yarmulke and says, "Thanks for the tip. You're right; the place is covered with floral arrangements."

"What's on your head?"

"My yarmulke. I wanted them to know I wasn't a wasp."

***

A snail got mugged by two turtles. When the cop asked for a description of the assailants the snail said, "I don't know. It all happened so fast..."

***

What's the last thing that goes through a bee's mind when it hits the windshield?

Its ass.

***

Why did the turtle cross the road?

To get to the Shell station.

***

Why'd the chicken cross the road?

He was stapled to the punk rocker.

***

Why'd the pervert cross the road?

He got his dick stuck in the chicken.

***

Why'd the duck cross the road?

It was the chicken's day off.

***

Why did God make a twat smell like a fish?

Because he made come look like tartar sauce.

***

What do you call an animal with two wives?

A cheetah.

***

How do you eat frog?

One leg over each ear.

***

A three year old and his mother went to the pet store to check out kittens. After returning home his dad asked him what kind of kittens they'd seen. The three year old said, "Two boys and three girls."

"How do you know?"

"Mom picked them up and looked. I think it's printed on the bottom."

***

City cousin is visiting country cousin. They are in the barn when a heifer gives birth. She licks the calf clean and off it runs. City cousin says to country cousin, "I bet it'll never crawl up in there again."

***

A woman buys a parrot and loves his companionship, but his plumage clashes with her living room. She calls a designer for an estimate but he arrives while she's out. The designer knocks on the front door and the parrot says, "Who is it?"

"It's the designer."

"Who is it?"

"It's the designer."

"Who is it?"

"It's the designer."

"Who is it?"

"It's the designer."

"Who is it?"

In a rage he yells, "It's the fucking designer!" and he has a stroke and dies.

The lady comes home, sees the designer's dead body and says, "Who is it?"

The parrot says, "It's the designer."

***

What do you get when you cross a centipede with a turkey?

Drumsticks for everybody.

***

What do you have when you have 100 female pigs and 50 male deer?

One-hundred-and-fifty-sows-and-bucks. ($150,000)

***

Why did the chicken cross the playgrounds?

To get to the other slide.

***

Where do you find the most fish?

Between the head and the tail.

***

A man took his cross-eyed rottweiler to the vet. The vet picked the dog up to exam him and said: "You're right, he's cross-eyed. I'll need to put him down now."

"You're going to put him down because he's cross-eyed?"

"No, I'm putting him down because he's heavy."

***

A man accidentally shot his duck hunting dog, so he asks his grandpa what's the most important thing to look for in a duck hunting dog. Grandpa answers, "A nice tight asshole, otherwise they get all waterlogged."

So he goes to the kennel and starts shoving his index finger up all the hunting dogs' assholes. They were all too loose so he starts to leave when the owner says, "Didn't find anything you like?"

He explains grandpa's theory and the owner grabs a dog by the tail, lifts his rear legs off the ground and twists the dog's balls three turns to the right. "Try it now. I had these set up for quail."

***

Where does virgin wool come from?

Ugly sheep.

***

If storks bring babies what kind of bird brings no babies?

The swallow.

***

What do you call a female turtle?

A clitortoise.

***

What's the difference between a pig and a punk rocker?

A pig wouldn't stay up all night to fuck a punk rocker.

***

How do you know when you're really ugly?

Dogs close their eyes when they're humping your leg.

***

A woman entered a pet shop and spotted a large, beautiful parrot. A sign on the cage said $5. "Why such a bargain?"

"This bird used to live in the local whorehouse and he has a pretty spicy vocabulary."

"It is a beautiful bird, I'll take it."

The woman brought the bird home and it said, "New fucking home. New fucking Madam."

The woman's two teenaged daughters came home and the parrot said, "New fucking home. New fucking madam. New fucking whores."

But the parrot was so beautiful the woman really didn't mind its filthy vocabulary. She couldn't wait to show her husband Brian her beautiful bargain bird. Brian came home and the parrot said "Grease up your pussies girls, it's Brian! It's Brian!"

***

A lady took her collie to the vet and said, "Every time I wear Chanel No. 5 this dog puts his front paws up on my shoulders and humps me until he comes."

"I'll make an appointment to have him spayed."

She said, "No. Just trim his nails and see if you can do something about his breath."

***

Why'd the fly leave the toilet seat?

He was pissed off.

***

A blind man stops at the corner and his Seeing Eye dog shits on his left shoe. The man reaches into his pocket and gives the dog a treat. A lady says, "That was nice of you, especially since he shit on your shoe."

"Lady," says the blind guy, "I'm got being nice to him. I'm trying to find his head so I can kick his fucking ass."

***

A newlywed arrives home after work to find his wife in tears. "Honey, what's wrong?"

"I made my vegetarian tofu lasagna for you. When I took it out to cool the telephone rang and while I was talking to my mom the cat ate it."

She continues sobbing and the husband takes her in his arms and says tenderly, "Don't worry honey; we'll get a new cat in the morning."

***

Two gophers who resided at the local country club were debating whether to go for a walk or spend the day holed up. "I'll check the weather," said one. He stuck his head out the gopher hole. Just then a female golfer hiked up her skirt and let loose a torrent of urine. The gopher retreated, soaking wet, and said to his friend, "Not only is it raining, but the fucking birds are building their nests upside down."

***

What is black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, and black-and-white?

101 Dalmations.

***

#  ASSORTED...

The weekly poker game was at Bob's but he had to baby sit his six year old twin boys. Before they could even deal Bob was off to the other room three times. He returned and another racket ensued. So Randy said, "I'll take care of it." Randy returned and there was silence for an hour.

Bob said, "What'd you do, start a movie?"

"No," said Randy, "I taught them how to masturbate."

***

What's the most difficult part about roller blading?

Telling your parents that you're gay.

***

What's the difference between Ted Kennedy and the Iraqi Air Force?

Kennedy has one confirmed kill.

What's the longest sentence in the world?

"I do."

***

Did you hear about the flasher who wanted to retire?

He decided to stick it out for another year.

***

What's the difference between a Scotsman and the Rolling Stones?

The Stones say, Hey you, get offa my cloud, a Scotsman says, Hey MacCloud get offa my ewe.

***

What's the difference between a condom and a coathanger?

Foresight.

***

What's the difference between sushi and bait?

Three days.

***

Why couldn't the skeleton cross the road?

He didn't have the guts.

***

The serial rapist/murderer abducts yet another seven year old girl. They are walking deep into the woods when she says, "I'm scared."

"You're scared?" he says. "It's going to be dark soon and I have to walk back to the car alone."

***

What would be the best part about having a female president?

We wouldn't have to pay her as much.

***

How can you tell when it's really cold?

When you see a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.

***

"How much," he asked the genealogist, "would it cost to have my family tree traced back five generations?"

"Five thousand dollars."

"There's got to be a cheaper way."

"There is," he said. "Run for president."

***

A homeless alcoholic broke into an upholsterer's shop and fell asleep on a couch. When he woke up in the morning he was recovered.

***

Samantha loved throwing themed costume parties. This year's theme was emotions. The first guest to arrive was dressed in green, "What emotion are you?" asked Sam.

"I'm envy."

The second guest arrived dressed in blue: "What emotion are you?" asked Sam.

"I'm sadness."

The third guest arrived, naked, with his erect cock stuck into a hollowed out pear.

Aghast Sam asked: "What emotion are you?"

"I'm fucking despair."

***

What's the difference between a woman and a car battery?

The battery has a positive side.

***

What do Italians call suppositories?

Innuendoes.

***

Three boys were arguing why their dicks have heads. The first says, "It gives you more pleasure."

The second said, "It gives the woman more pleasure."

The third said, "It keeps your hand from slipping off."

***

Who is the most popular dude at the nude beach?

The one who can carry a dozen bagels and two cups of coffee.

***

Who's the most popular chick at the nude beach?

The one who can eat a dozen bagels.

***

Why'd the man give his girlfriend a serious tongue-lashing?

Because she'd forgotten to take her birth control pill.

***

The sorority girl noticed the indentation of an M on her roommate's stomach. "How'd that get there?"

"I met this jock, and it turns him on to make love in his letterman's sweater."

"Where's he go to school. Minnesota? Michigan?"

"Wisconsin."

***

Why'd the Japanese hooker go broke?

No one had a yen for her.

***

A landlady couldn't stand it any longer. She barged into her boarder's room and said, "Jimmy, take off my shoes."

He did.

"Now take off my dress."

He did.

"Remove my bra and panties."

He did.

"And if I ever catch you wearing my clothes again I'm gonna kick your ass outta here."

***

Did you hear about the ugliest girl in the world?

Peeping Toms would reach in the window and pull her shades down.

***

What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?  
Nothing, you've already told her twice.

***

How many men does it take to open a beer?

None. It should be open when the bitch brings it.

***

Despite rumors, why is a Laundromat a terrible place to meet women?

Because any woman who can't afford a washer and dryer will never be able to support you.

***

Why do women have smaller feet than men?

So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.

***

How do you know when a female is about to say something smart?

She starts her sentence with, "A man once told me..."

***

How do you fix a woman's wristwatch?

No need to; there is a clock on the stove.

***

When will women finally be equal to men?

When they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut and still think they are five pushups away from a shot at a super model.

Did you hear about the Burmese whore?

She was constantly looking for a Mandalay.

***

Why do Democrats have more children than Republicans?

Because no one has ever heard of a good piece of elephant.

***

How are a tourniquet and a wedding ring similar?

They are both effective at stopping circulation.

***

After lunch at the monastery the traveler asked to meet the cook who prepared the wonderful fish and chips. He was ushered to the kitchen where five cooks ran the refectory. "Those were," he said, "the best fish and chips I've ever had. Who made them?"

"I'm the fish friar," said a portly man by the stove. "The chip monk is over there."

***

A man walks into a drugstore and says to the clerk, "Five condoms, Miss."

"Don't Miss me," she says.

"Okay. Make it six."

***

"Excuse me sir," said the bum. "I haven't eaten in a week, may I please have a penny?"

"Why only a penny?"

"I'm quite anxious to weigh myself."

***

What happened when the clumsy secretary dropped her birth control pills in the Xerox machine?

It wouldn't reproduce anything for a month.

***

How do you put out a flaming Kotex?

You tampon it.

***

Why can men lay on their sides better than women?

Because they have a kickstand.

***

A Frenchman visited a bed-and-breakfast insane Francisco. When he returned to Paris a friend asked him about American hospitality. He said: "If the wine had been as cold as the soup and as old as the chicken, and the chicken as tender as the women, and the women as willing as the men—it would have been perfect."

***

"Where are you going to college?" one high schooler asked another.

"USC."

"You should go to UCLA. USC only graduates whores and football players."

"My mom went to USC."

"Really? What position did she play?"

***

The bookie asked his client, "How do you pick a winner every time?"

"Luck. I just open the racing page, grab a pin close my eyes and pick a winner."

"How'd you pick that four horse combo yesterday?"

"I didn't have a pin so I used a fork."

***

A lady walks up to a drunk and asks, "Cross town buses run all night?"

The drunk says, "Do-dah, do-dah."

***

What has red hair and lives in a test tube?

Bozo the clone.

***

"I've convinced," said the chaplain, "the warden to allow an additional hour of grace before your execution."

"Great," said the murderer, "send her in."

***

How come pirates like corn?

Because it's under a buck-an-ear.

***

Did you hear about the man who invented the corduroy pillow?

He wanted to make some head lines.

***

Two brothers attended a costume party as a cow. Sweating profusely, they stepped out back for some air. The brother in front said, "Oh shit."

"What?"

"A bull is coming our way. Fast."

"What do we do?"

"I'm gonna eat some grass; I suggest you brace yourself."

***

What's the only thing wrong with the restaurant that NASA opened on the moon?

No atmosphere.

***

"You got any toilet paper over there?" said one man to another in adjacent toilet stalls.

"No."

"Newspaper?"

"No."

"An envelope? Notepad?"

"No."

"Two fives for a ten?"

***

When is a door not a door?

When it's ajar.

***

"Congratulations to Bob Thomas," said the CEO. "He's retiring and has sold more insurance policies door-to-door than anyone in the history of the company. Bob, what's been the highlight of your career selling door-to-door?"

"Without a doubt," he said, "it's been selling policies to housewives who weren't adequately covered."

***

What's purple and surrounded by water?

Grape Britain.

***

Eve said to Adam, "Do you love me?"

He said, "Who else?"

What did Zero say to Eight?

"I love your belt."

***

"Last week," said Ned, "you were telling me about the girl on the subway who sat next to you and started rubbing your thigh."

"Yeah," said Ted. "She sat next to me today and reached a new high."

***

Did you hear Cuba's new national anthem?

Row, row, row your boat...

***

Why did the fig fuck the banana?

He couldn't find another date.

***

What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom?

One snatches watches, the other watches snatches.

***

If Tarzan and Jane were Jewish, what would that make Cheetah?

A fur coat.

***

If living intense is called stress; what do you call sleeping intense?

Camping.

***

Why do weather vanes have cocks on them?

If they had pussies the wind would blow right through them.

***

The psychology students were studying mood swings. The professor asked, "What's the opposite of depression?"

John said, "Elation."

"What's the opposite of joy?"

Joan said, "Sadness."

"What's the opposite of woe?"

Joe said, "Giddyup."

***

How does a midget say goodbye?

With a microwave.

***

What kind of motorcycle does a clown ride?

A Yamahahahaha.

***

"Mommy, may I have $5 to give to the lady that I always see in the park?"

"That's so thoughtful of you." And mom hands her $5. This goes on for a month until mom says, "You know, if you keep giving her money, she'll never get a job."

"Oh," says the little girl, "she has a job. She sells candy."

***

Jack Nicholson had a clone of himself made, so he could make movies and still attend Lakers games. But something went wrong with the clone and he started masturbating in public. Jack, tired of the bad press invited the clone up to his penthouse and threw him out the window. He was arrested, but Jack just laughed, "You got nothing on me. That wasn't a person. It was a clone."

"You're still under arrest," said the cop.

"For what?" said Jack.

"For making an obscene clone fall."

***

How do an actor and a moyle differ?

Most people don't mind looking at an actor's clippings.

***

How are men and buses similar?

Both stop before you get off.

***

What's worse than a worm in an apple?

Half a worm.

***

Thomas Edison didn't invent the lightbulb. A Native American, tired of hearing people stumble around in the outhouse at night discovered electricity years before Edison and equipped the outhouse with electric lights. This made him the first person in history to wire a head for a reservation.

***

"Help! My store's on fire," said the store owner over the telephone.

"How do we get there?" said the fireman

"Use the big red truck, asshole."

***

The accountant said, "I've got good news and bad news."

"What's the bad news?"

"Your business is flat on its back."

"What's the good news?"

"Your business is finally looking up."

***

How many gears are on an Iraqi tank?

Seven. One forward; six reverse.

***

How did Hitler tie his shoes?

In little Nazis.

How do you know when the Preparation H starts working?

You can just sit back and watch the tube.

***

What is Waldheimer's disease?

People who contract it forget that they were once Nazis.

***

Did you hear about the actor who got slapped with a palimony suit?

He went from a co-starring to a supporting role.

***

"Why is this cookie $100?" asked Bob.

"Because this cookie," said the grocer, "tastes like pussy. Try it."

Bob bit in and immediately spit it out, "It tastes like shit!"

"Turn it around."

***

A space alien walks into a deli, "I'd like to buy two of these wheels for my spaceship," he said holding up to bagels.

"Those aren't wheels. They are bagels," said the owner of the deli. "Take a bite."

The alien bit into one of the bagels and said, "Hey, these would go great with cream cheese."

***

NASA successfully launched a herd of cattle into space. They would circle the earth twice then head to the new colony on Mars. The headline in the paper read: The Herd Shot Round the World.

***

The proprietor of a liquor store got robbed after hours. There was no cash but they took his entire stock of booze. "It's lucky," he said to the cop, "that the robbery happened this week."

"Why's that?" asked the cop.

"Everything's on sale this week."

***

Two local candidates for mayor are sitting next to each other at the local diner's counter. One says, "I'm going to beat you because I always leave a huge tip and tell the waitress to vote for me."

"That's ironic, because I tip a nickel and tell them to vote for you."

***

"How," said the accountant, "can you make any money selling these computers below cost?"

The owner of the computer company said, "We make our money fixing them."

***

Simon Cowell was on the subway. When he heard a mother say to her son, "Do you want to watch American Idol when you go home?" Simon's chest swelled with pride.

"No," said the child.

"Then behave yourself."

***

Did you hear about the male prostitute who contracted leprosy?

His business fell off.

***

What do you call women's stockings that come in 12 different pieces?

Ante hose.

***

A Tahitian prince collected thrones from all over the world. He had so many that he had to keep adding new stories to his grass shack. Then, in a high wind, the grass shack collapsed killing everyone in it. The moral to this tale is, People who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.

***

Why do women fart after they piss?

They can't shake it so they just blow dry it.

***

How does a man decide to become an accountant?

When he realizes he doesn't have the charisma to be an undertaker.

***

A hunter stumbles into another hunter's camp, "Thank God, I've been lost for three days."

The hunter by the fire says, "I've been lost for three months."

***

What wears thick glasses, white short-sleeved shirts with pocket protectors and drives an orange 1972 Dodge Charger?

The Geeks of Hazzard.

***

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper who sold his soul to Santa?

***

Two kids are in the bathroom. One notices the scale and tries to step on it but is held back by the other kid. "Don't step on it!"

"Why not?"

"I don't know, but every time mommy steps on it she screams."

***

What happens when you step on a grape?

It lets out a little wine.

***

Who's purple and conquered the world?

Alexander the Grape.

***

What's green and sings?

Elvis Parsley.

***

A little girl made her dad a cup of instant coffee and delivered it to him while he puttered in the yard. He took a sip of the terrible, acrid tasting coffee. It was the worst he'd ever had. But he managed to choke it down with a smile. In the bottom of the cup he saw two green plastic army men. "Why," asks the dad, "did you superglue two of your brother's army men to the bottom of the coffee cup?"

"Just like they say on t.v. The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup."

***

A little boy was born without any eyelids. The doctor reassured the parents that it could be fixed, following the circumcision, by using a foreskin graft. The doctor, following the procedure, showed the mother and she burst into tears. "What's wrong?" asks the doctor.

She says, "He's all cockeyed."

***

Why was Bobby such a successful gigolo?

Because of his alert staff.

***

A manager needed to cut labor costs so he had to decide which of his newest hires, Jack and Jill, to lay off. He agonized over the decision but he just couldn't decide whether to lay Jill or Jack off.

***

Back in Moscow a Communist party bigwig named Rudolph is walking down the street with a married couple. Rudolph looks up and says, "It's going to rain."

The lady says, "It'll rain for sure."

The man says, "Why do you say that, there's not a cloud in the sky?"

"It'll rain for sure," she says, "because Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."

***

Silly Sally went to the doctor. He told her she was pregnant and she laughed and she laughed. Because she knew she wasn't married.

***

Silly Sally went to the doctor. He told her she was going to have twins and she laughed and she laughed. Because she knew she'd only been fucked once.

***

Silly Sally went to the movies and sat between two guys. One put his hand up her skirt. The other put his hand down her blouse and she laughed and she laughed. Because she knew she kept her money in her wallet.

***

Silly Sally got raped in an alley and the assailant took all her clothes and she laughed and she laughed. Because she knew the clothes would never fit him.

***

A hot air balloon is off course so the pilot descends and yells to a man in a field, "Hey, a little help. Where am I?"

"In a balloon about thirty feet off the ground."

"You must work in the information field."

"I do. But how did you know?"

"What you've told me is correct, but useless."

"You must work in management."

"I do. But how do you know?"

"You don't know where you are or where you're going; you want my immediate help; you were in the same predicament you were before, only now it's entirely my fault."

***

Two mothers are bragging about their kids. One says, "My five year old has been walking since he's been two."

The other one says, "Wow, he must be tired."

***

Why did Disney World fail in Japan?

Nobody was tall enough to go on the good rides.

***

What's the main difference between sperm and mayonnaise?

Mayonnaise doesn't hit the back of your girlfriend's throat at 35 mph.

***

Three Arabs are having coffee in a café in Baghdad. The first man pulls out his wallet and displays a picture, saying, "Here's a picture of my oldest son. He's a martyr."

The second Arab pulls out his wallet and displays a picture saying, "Here's a picture of my oldest son, he's a martyr also."

The third pulls out his wallet and displays a picture saying, "Here's a picture of my oldest son, he too, is a martyr."

The first one says, "Don't they just blow up so fast?"

***

Two hookers were talking shop, "What'd you do with that handsome john you picked up last week?"

"He paid me $1000, but we ended up doing it in a coffin."

"Didn't you find that disturbing?"

"Not so much as the family, the pallbearers and the priest."

***

A lifeguard sees a man floundering in the surf. He does his surface dive, performs a flawless approach stroke, wraps up the drowning swimmer and returns to shore where he realizes he just saved George W. Bush's life.

"Thank you, son," says Bush. "I'd like to reward you. Name it and it's yours."

"I'd like to be buried in Arlington National Cemetery."

"Buried?" says Bush. "You are in the prime of youth and health."

"Yeah, well my dad's gonna kill me when he finds out I saved your ass."

***

After driving her into the country the man pulls over and makes the usual advances. "Knock it off," she says. "I'm a hooker, just give me $50 and get it done."

He does; and she does and he pulls his pants up and just sits there. She says, "Let's get back to town."

"Knock it off," he says. "I'm a cab driver, just give me $50 and I'll get it done."

***

What's the difference between a man's semen in a sperm bank and a man on his deathbed?

One is a man whose come has time.

***

Doris the whore died of a heart attack while on the job. The girls gathered around waiting for the coroner. "Poor Doris," said Lois, "she could suck 20 dicks for lunch, drink a case of beer, and still show up on time for her night shift."

"Why," sobbed Terry, "do you have to die before someone says something nice about you?"

***

Why is it better to be an aide to the pope than an aide to the president?

You only have to kiss the pope's ring.

***

Did you hear about the new store that only sells dildoes?

It's called Toys for Twats.

***

What's the difference between parsley and pussy?

No one eats parsley.

***

"Mommy?"

"Yes?"

"When you bake a cake, why do you put a pan full of water next to it on the oven rack?"

"Because your grandma always did."

"Why did grandma do it?"

"I don't know, but I'll find out." She calls up her mom and asks, "Mom, why did you always put a pan full of water on the oven rack opposite any cake you were baking? To keep it moist? Slow the cooking time?"

"No. My oven rack was broken and it was the only way I could balance the goddam thing out."

***

Did you hear about the Hawaiian hooker?

Her name is Come-on-I-wanna-lay-ya.

***

Mr. and Mrs. Smith were touring the White House when they bumped into Barack Obama. "President," said Mr. Smith as he gestured toward his camera, "would you mind?"

"Not at all." Obama put on his press corps smile.

"No," said Mr. Smith, handing the camera to Obama, "take a picture of us."

***

According to George Bush what is the definition of Rowe vs. Wade?

Two ways to get across the Potomac.

***

What's the closest George Bush came to getting a 4.0 at Yale?

His Blood Alcohol Concentration.

***

What's the difference between a sexual athlete and a premature ejaculator?

One's good for seconds; the other's good for seconds.

***

What are the four biggest gambles in Vegas?

1) Slot machines

2) Card tables

3) Wedding chapels

4) The $1.99 shrimp cocktail

***

A guy gets pulled over by a cop because he's weaving in-and-out of lanes. The cop tries to get him to blow in a breathalyzer. The man says, "I can't. I have asthma. No wind."

"Then it's down to the station to pee in a cup."

"I can't. I'm diabetic and the sugar in my urine would mess up the test."

"Then it's a blood test."

"Can't. I'm a hemophiliac, I'd bleed to death."

"Then you'll have to walk the little white line."

"I can't."

"Why not," says the cop.

"Because I'm fucking plastered."

***

A drunk is walking down the street. Two nuns are approaching. As they reach him one passes on the right; the other on the left. The drunk stops and says, "How the fuck did she do that?"

***

Ron and John are two lifeguards at the same beach. Ron has chicks, all day long, at his station and John sits—lonely—solving crossword puzzles. After beers one evening John asks Ron his secret. "I stick," says Ron, "a cucumber down my trunks. It works on the chicks every time."

"Good to know," says John, "good to know."

The next day John inserts the cuke, but Ron still attracts all the chicks. "What's up with that?" says John to Ron after the shift. "I had a cucumber in my trunks and you still got all the chicks."

"Tomorrow," says Ron, "put the cucumber in front."

***

What's the difference between a language and a dialect?

A language has an army and a navy.

***

What do Arabs do on Saturday night?

Sit under palm trees and eat their dates.

***

Mrs. Bloom walks into the butcher shop: "I want a duck and it better be fresh."

"They're all fresh," says the butcher."

"I'll be the judge of that. Give me that one."

He does and Mrs. Bloom spreads the duck's legs and sniffs: "Not fresh. Give me that one."

He does and Mrs. Bloom spreads the duck's legs and sniffs: "Not fresh. Give me that one."

He does and Mrs. Bloom spreads the duck's legs and sniffs: "Not fresh. Give me that one."

"Lady," says the butcher, "could you pass a test like that?"

***

An Austrian girl arrives in New York. She gets on the wrong subway train and disembarks in a dangerous neighborhood. She is stalked by a dozen gang members who jump her and start to rape her. She screams, "Nein, nein, nein."

Three of them left.

***

A woman calls in sick to work and her boss says: "What's wrong?"

"I have anal glaucoma."

"What's that?"

"I just can't see my ass coming into work today."

***

Why are men like grapes?

You have to stomp the shit out of them and keep them in the dark for years before they become something you'd want to have dinner with.

***

Cinderella is visited by the Fairy Godmother who fixes her up for the ball. "But this time," says the F.G., "you have to wear a diaphragm."

"A diaphragm?"

"A diaphragm that will turn into a pumpkin at the stroke of midnight."

So Cinderella is transformed by a wave of the wand and the diaphragm is in place. She dances the night away while the F.G. waits. 11:37. 11:52. 11:59. 12:07. 12:41. 1:13. 2:26. and it's 3:06 before Cinderella arrives home—with a beatific smile on her face. "Where," says the F.G., "have you been. And where's the pumpkin?"

"I met this great guy who took care of everything."

"A guy? A mere mortal who can reverse my spell? What is this man's name?"

Cinderella looks dreamily at the ceiling, "His name was Peter, Peter something."

***

When is an elf not an elf?

When he's munching his girlfriend's pussy. Then he's a goblin.

***

The Swedish applicant for the job as bank teller amazed the manager with his money handling skills: "Where'd you learn to count money like that?"

"Yale," said the Swede.

"Fantastic. What was your first name again?"

"Yimmie."

***

What's the difference between male and female snow people?

Snow balls.

***

Two guys go to the nudist colony. They're hanging out at the pool when a stacked, 30-something hottie with string-bikini-tan-lines walks by. "Check that out," says one.

"Oh yeah," says the other, "I bet she looks fucking great in a bikini."

***

10 Examples of Bad Movie Logic

1) Western pioneers, medieval serfs, and pirates all have perfect teeth.

2) It's necessary to crank the steering wheel from right-to-left while traveling down a perfectly straight road.

3) 20 year old girls with huge tits and perfect asses prefer guys in their 40's and 50's.

4) Every black person's favorite word is Motherfucker.

5) The black guy in the platoon/patrol/outfit will be the first to die.

6) You're perfectly safe during a war...until you show someone a picture of your sweetheart or read a letter from your mother aloud.

7) If you're running from the bad guys there will always be a parade you can blend into.

8) Cigarette lighters are as effective as spotlights for lighting up car interiors, kitchens, and even football stadiums.

9) A cop can only solve a case after he's been indefinitely suspended from duty.

10) Women always orgasm.

***

Why should you never smoke when you're inside a pussy?

You'll burn your mom.

***

Did you hear about the drunk who used alcohol as a substitute for women?

He got his dick stuck in the bottle.

***

Did you hear about the most conceited actor in the world?

On his birthday he sent flowers and a note of congratulations to his parents.

***

What happened when the Eskimo spent the night with a hooker?

When she woke up the next morning she was four months pregnant.

***

A postal worker discovered a letter addressed to:

Santa Claus

North Pole

She opened it and read a heart wrenching letter from a little girl who needed $100 so she could help pay for her mother's operation. She was so moved that she mailed $75 of her own money. A few days later another letter arrived and the postal worker read,

Dear Santa,

Thanks for the money. I really appreciate it. I know you enclosed $100, but I only received $75. I bet those fuckers at the Post Office stole the rest.

***

It's a little kid's first day of school and he's embarrassed because he has a little speech impediment. He wants to be certain he's on the right bus, so when the bus driver pulls up he says, "Good moro-ning, smister bus dwiver. Is thit the bus that takes me to sch-ool?"

The bus driver calmly unbuckles, steps off the bus and punches the kid in the face. The kid sprints back home, "Mommy, da bus dwiver just hit me in the face."

"I'm afraid that you just don't want to go to school. You can stay home today, but tomorrow you go to school."

The next morning he's standing at the curb, but his mom's watching from the window. The bus pulls up and the kid says, "Good moro-ning, smister bus dwiver. Is thit the bus that takes me to sch-ool?"

The bus driver gets off the bus, punches him, then drives away.

The mom calls the cops, but they have to see the driver assault the child in order to make an arrest. So the next morning the child is cowering at the curb and when the bus pulls up he says, "Good moro-ning, smister bus dwiver. Is thit the bus that takes me to sch-ool?"

The bus driver hops off the bus and starts pummeling the child. The cop appears, and cuffs the driver. Mom scoops up her son and says, "Why did you attack my son?"

The bus driver says, "Thit little battard been macking fun of me for tree days."

***

Three UC Berkley literature professors are walking down Telegraph Avenue when they see a group of hookers. The expert on Anthony Trollope says, "A gathering of trollops?"

The Shakespearean expert says, "A flourish of strumpets?"

The Modern Literature expert shakes his head and says, "An anthology of pros."

***

How do you make a handkerchief dance?

Blow a little boogie into it.

***

What do you do with 365 used condoms?

Melt them down, turn it into a tire and call it a Goodyear.

***

How do you determine the circumference of an igloo?

You use Eskimo pi.

***

A scientist developed a formula to bring stone to life. He decided that, in the troubled times we're in, we could use the wisdom and leadership of Abraham Lincoln. So he decided to reanimate a statue of the great president. He brushed the goo all over a statue of Abe and waited. Sure enough Abe opened his eyes. "Mr. President," says the scientist, "what's the first thing you're going to do?"

Abe says, "Kill me about three million pigeons."

***

Why were the Indians here before Columbus?

They had reservations.

***

What did the Indians say when they saw the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Maria?

"Fuck. Boat people."

***

A virginal high school senior decides he has to get laid before he graduates, so he asks out Loose Lois. Everyone has scored with her. So they go to the drive-in and he says, "Lois? Can I put my arm around you?"

"Sure."

"Can I kiss you?"

"Sure."

"Can I look up your skirt?"

"Sure."

So he gets a Bic Clic, lights it and goes down for an inspection tour. He comes up with a quizzical look on his face. "Can you pee through that thing?"

"Of course."

"Well you better, cuz it's on fire."

***

Did you hear about the new garlic diet?

You don't lose weight but you look thinner from a distance.

***

How do you make a t.v. addict do sit-ups?

Put the remote between his feet.

***

What do you call a sadist who watches a lot of t.v.?

An ouch potato.

***

Have you read the new Korean cookbook?

How to Wok Your Dog.

***

What's a narcissist's favorite card game?

Strip solitaire.

***

Two salesmen were traveling in the country when their car broke down. They spent the night at the farmhouse of a wealthy widow. Six months later one of the salesman gets a letter from the widow and says, "Did you go upstairs to the widow's bedroom, use my name and have oral sex with her for an hour?"

"Yeah," he says, "I did."

"Thanks. She just died and left me her farm."

***

How are tornadoes and redneck divorces similar?

With both somebody somewhere is losing a trailer.

***

"Mommy, do people go to heaven feet first?"

"Why do you ask that?"

"Because the neighbor lady had her feet up in the air and she kept saying "Jesus, I'm coming! I'm coming! I'm coming!" And I bet she would have if daddy wasn't on top of her."

***

Robert the French Fighter pilot picks up a woman at a bistro and brings her back to his apartment. They are kissing, but he stops suddenly and opens a Macon Blanc, saying, "I am Robert the French fighter pilot, and when I enjoy the fine white flesh I need the fine white wine." He pours the wine down her neck, onto her breasts and licks it all off. Then he removes her bra and opens a bottle of Grenache Rose. "I am Robert the French fighter pilot and when I enjoy the fine pink flesh I need the fine pink wine." He repeatedly pours this on her nipples and licks them clean. He pulls down her pants, douses her snatch with Grand Mariner, lights a match and sets her bush aflame.

She screams, "You crazy goddam Frenchman, what the fuck are you doing?"

"I am Robert the French fighter pilot and when I go down, I go down in flames."

***

A hiker saw an old man hugging a tree and asked, "What are you doing?"

"I'm loving this tree. You should try it."

"What the hell." The hiker took off his backpack and wrapped his arms around the tree. The old man slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, stole his pants, wallet, boots and backpack.

An hour later, three hikers discovered the nearly naked hiker. He explained how he'd been tricked and handcuffed to the tree. One hiker laughed and removed the man's underwear.

"What's so funny?" asked the handcuffed hiker.

The second hiker kissed him on the cheek. The third one whipped out his dick and said, "Today is just not your day."

***

What do B.S., M.S., and Ph.D. stand for?

Bull Shit.

More of the Same.

Piled Higher and Deeper

***

A man walks into a luxurious whorehouse, picks out his dream girl and screws her wildly. When he tries to pay, the Madame opens her purse and hands him a $100. He comes back the next night does two whores and she gives him $200. He returns a third time and she says, "That'll be a $100."

"How come I got paid the previous two nights and it costs me tonight?"

She says, "We weren't live on the website tonight."

***

A British Lord woke up with an enormous erection. Seeing the bulge in his pajamas the valet says, "Shall I summon your ladyship, Sir?"

"No, just bring me my baggy tweeds. I shall smuggle this one into town."

***

Two women are having their nails done. One of them says, "The oddest thing happened this week?"

"What?"

"Every time I sneeze I have an orgasm."

"That is odd. What are you taking for it?"

"Pepper."

***

What are the three stages of a man's sex life?

Tri-Weekly, Try-Weekly, and Try Weakly.

***

How do you tell a good girl from a bad girl?

A good girl's motto is: "It's hard to be good."

A bad girl's motto is: It has to be hard to be good.

***

A new shepherd joins the group and is disgusted by the fact that after dinner each night all the other shepherds wander off into the flock and fuck a ewe. But lonely is lonely so one night he wanders off for a warm one. When he returns all the other shepherds are laughing and pointing at him. He says, "You guys do it all the time. What's so funny?"

The head shepherd says, "We don't fuck the ugly ones."

***

Did you hear about the transvestite foreign exchange student?

He spent the year a broad.

***

Research has recently revealed that there are female hormones in beer. Six men each drank a six-pack and all of them talked non-stop without making sense, gained weight, became overly emotional, couldn't think rationally, couldn't drive, and refused to apologize even when proven wrong.

***

A young woman bought a book entitled What Women Really Want? As soon as she got it home her boyfriend grabbed it and started leafing through it. "What are you doing?" she asked.

"Seeing if they spelled my name right."

***

How are Disneyland and Viagra similar?

With both you wait an hour for a three minute ride.

***

After his death Osama Bin Laden went to Paradise. As soon as he entered heaven George Washington kicked him in the balls; Thomas Jefferson punched him in the face; James Madison kidney punched him; Patrick Henry stomped on his toes and sixty-eight other famous early Americans generally kicked the living shit out of him. Bin Laden screamed, "This is not what I was promised!"

God appeared and said, "You were promised seventy-two Virginians. What did you think I said?"

***

Pfizer and Pepsi Cola will jointly market a Viagra-Cola called Mount-and-Do. The ad slogan will be "Pour yourself a stiff one."

***

Watson rings Holmes' doorbell. A minute later a flustered and partially dressed Sherlock answers the door. "Why so disheveled, Holmes?"

"I was upstairs consorting with a schoolgirl, Watson."

"What kind of schoolgirl would sleep with you?"

"Elementary, dear Watson. Elementary."

***

What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?

Gagged on the shaft.

***

Holmes and Watson are walking down the street and they pass three women on a park bench eating bananas. "Morning ladies," says Holmes.

"Do you know them?" asks Watson.

"No. I do not know the nun, the hooker, or the new bride."

"How do you know for certain that they are nun, hooker, and newlywed?"

"The manner in which they eat their bananas, of course. The nun breaks off pieces with her hand, the hooker swallows it whole, and the new bride holds the banana in one hand while using the other to push her open mouth toward the banana."

***

What's a cross dresser's idea of a good time?

Eat, Drink, and be Mary.

***

Osama Bin Ladin sent Bush a telegram that read 370HSSV 0773H. Bush showed it Cheney who showed it to Powell. None of them could figure it out. Then an intern entered and said, "You have it upside down."

***

What's the highlight of the bulimia convention?

When the cake comes out of the girl.

***

What do you get when you cross a freeway with a bicycle?

Killed.

***

Why are postal rates raised every few years?

The spiraling costs of storage.

***

The officer helped the battered man to his feet, "Can you describe your assailant?"

"Ironically enough, that's what I was doing when he hit me."

***

A secretary tells her boss; "I've found a new position."

"Great," he says, "close the door and show me."

***

What the difference between filing taxes short form or long form?

Short form: The government gets your money. Long form: Your accountant gets your money.

***

What do electric trains and titties have in common?

They are made for kids but men like to play with them.

***

Why do men masturbate?

Because it's sex with someone they love.

***

What did the blind man say when he walked by the fish market?

"Morning, ladies."

***

A man sees an ad in the New York Times that reads: "Wanted: Pussy Shaver." He calls and it's an XXX film maker who needs a guy to shave the actresses' pussies. He arranges an interview. The film producer says, "So can you be in Philadelphia Tuesday?"

"I thought you were in New York?"

"I am, but the line of applicants stretches to Philadelphia."

***

How do you make pickle bread?

You use dildo.

***

An actress bursts into a producer's office, rushes past the secretary and says to the mogul: "I'll do anything to get into movies."

"Well," he said, unzipping his pants, "you can start by sucking my dick and if you're any good at that I promise I'll put your name up in lights."

She drops and gives him a knee buckling blowjob.

The next morning she's jogging past the Roxie Theater and she reads the marquee: CINDY KARLSON IS A DANDY LITTLE COCKSUCKER!!!

***

What's the difference between a woman with a yeast infection and Buffalo New York?

The woman with the yeast infection has more culture.

***

Did you hear about the Divorced Barbie?

She comes with all of Ken's shit.

***

Did you hear about the new gay G.I. Joe?

He comes in Ken's box.

***

"Did you hear," said one actress, "that Debra Jones is remarrying?"

"I guess," said the other, "it was one of those divorces that just didn't pan out."

***

A hippie family—mom, dad, and seven year old daughter—are taking their morning shower together. The little girl points at her mother's breasts and says, "Momma, when will I get some of those?"

"In about five years. But I have to leave for work now."

She leaves and the girl points at her father's schlong, "Dad, when will I get one of those?"

"In about five minutes when your mom leaves for work."

***

A retired admiral puts on his old uniform and picks up a hooker. They're rolling around in bed and he wants to hear some reassurance, so he asks, "How am I doing?"

"Three knots Admiral. You're not hard; you're not in; and you're not getting your money back."

***

The first stall in the restaurant's bathroom was occupied so Lewis took the second one. As soon as he sat down the occupant of the first stall said, "Hi. How you doing?"

Just to be nice Lewis answered, "Fine."

Then Lewis heard, "What are you doing?"

"Taking a shit, of course."

Then Lewis heard, "I'll have to call you back, some asshole in the next stall keeps answering me."

***

Three Marines were driving from Basra to Bagdad when they saw an unconscious Iraqi insurgent on one side of the road and an unconscious Marine on the other. They revived the Marine and asked what happened. "We saw each other and pointed our guns. I said, 'Saddam Hussein is an asshole', he said, 'George Bush is an asshole'. Then, while we were shaking hands a truck hit us."

***

What's the downside to a threesome?

You run the risk of disappointing two women...and hearing about it twice.

***

"It must be terrible to be crippled," said the young lady as she dropped a dollar in the man's hat.

"It's worse being blind."

"How do you know?"

"People always gave me slugs when I was blind."

***

What kind of shirts did Custer wear?

Arrow.

***

Knute is having these terrible headaches. He tries every medication, yoga, meditation, aroma therapy, hypnosis and acupuncture but nothing helps. He goes on-line, describes his symptoms to a health guru and learns that his headaches will abate only if he gets castrated. Knute can't continue living with this pain so he agrees to the operation. He awakes from the anesthesia and for the first time in decades he is pain free. Feeling like a new man he decides to be fitted for a new suit. He drives to the tailor's and says, "Measure me for a new suit."

The tailor says, "A tailor I've been for years. I don't need to measure. I look; I know. You have a 16 inch neck, size 11 shoes, 36 inch sleeves, a 38 inch inseam, a 36 inch waist, and you wear 34-36 underwear."

"That's incredible. You got everything right except for my underwear. I wear 30-32."

"Pal, you gotta start wearing larger underwear. Otherwise you're gonna get these terrible headaches."

***

An actress cast in the latest Indiana Jones film twisted her ankle jumping from a train, bruised her spleen in a fight scene, had a lip split open by a microphone boom, was stung by killer bees and bitten by a snake—all in the first two days of the shoot. On the morning of the third day she walked up to the director and said: "Who do I have to fuck to get out of this picture?"

***

A waiter in a seafood restaurant serves a bowl of chowder and the customer says, "Waiter, I want you to taste this soup."

"I tasted it in the kitchen."

"Waiter, I want you to taste this soup."

"I tasted it already."

"Waiter, I want you to taste this soup."

"I will, just to shut you up." He reaches toward the bowl, "There's no spoon."

"Aha!"

***

Where's the best place to hide something from a hippie?

Under the soap.

***

The police were interviewing the secretary of a man who had just jumped out the window of his 30 story office. "I've only been here three weeks," she said. "At the end of the first week he gave me $100 cash bonus and a kiss. At the end of the second week he gave me $200 and patted me on the ass. Today he told me he couldn't live without me and wrote me a check for $1000. He bent me over his desk and screwed me from behind and then asked me if the $1000 was enough."

The cop said, "What did you tell him?"

"I told him it was more than enough: I only charged all the other guys in the office $5. That's when he jumped out the window."

***

Two guys are talking at the office water cooler. Zeke says, "I just don't talk to the girls in the office anymore. Anything you say these days can be construed as sexual harassment."

"I know what you mean. I haven't spoken to a female co-worker since 1995," said Brett. "I just grope them."

***

Why are women like amoebic dysentery?

Both of them irritate the shit out of you.

***

How is wearing a condom and dealing with the IRS similar?

With both you are fucked with no sensitivity whatsoever.

***

Why was the movie star's six year old son so happy?

He had the most parents at the PTA meeting.

***

Why do women enjoy sucking Lifesavers?

They come in five colors.

***

Why are bankers good lovers?

Because they know a woman with no principle draws plenty of interest.

***

What do spaghetti and women have in common?

They both wiggle when you eat them.

***

A famous stage actor removed his pants prior to sex with an actress he'd picked up at a cast party. She saw the size of his schlong and whistled in appreciation. "My dear," he said, "we have come to bury Caesar; not to praise him."

***

Two stoned surfer dudes were walking down the street when they saw a horsefly on a pile of shit. "Wow," said one to the other, "he really had to go bad."

***

A man takes his blind date to the amusement park. "What do you want to do?" he asks.

"I want to get weighed."

So they get weighed and he asks, "What do you want to do now?"

"I want to get weighed."

"We just got weighed. What do you want to do now?"

"You wousy wittle bastard. I said I want to get weighed."

***

Two business partners had an affair with the same secretary. She became pregnant and they decided, most civilly, that they would contribute equally to the mother and child's welfare. On the day of the birth one went into the delivery room as the Lamaze coach, the other stayed in the waiting room. His hospital gown stained with tears the Lamaze coach returned to the waiting room.

"What's wrong?"

The Lamaze coach said, "We had twins. Mine died."

***

The rock star exploded, "I told you to make my fucking pants fucking tight. I want them to show my sex."

The tailor replied, "If they were any tighter they'd show your religion."

***

#  BLONDE...

"The man next to me is jacking off," said the blonde to her girlfriend as they sat in the movie theater.

"Ignore him."

"I can't," said the blonde. "He's using my hand."

***

A blonde is registering to vote. The clerk asks, "When's your birthday?"

"June fifth."

"What year?"

"Every year."

***

How do we know that God isn't a blonde?

If she were, sperm would taste like chocolate.

***

What are Vanna White's favorite consonants?

North and South America.

***

What do you call two blondes standing on either side of a friend with a broken leg?

Support hos.

***

A blond walking down the street was attacked by two muggers. They roughed him up a little, took his watch and wallet and told him that he better not go to the cops. He said, "You don't have to worry about that. I have another watch and wallet; I thought you were after the $6,000 I keep in my shoe."

***

A young recently married blonde bride visited the OB/GYN and said, "Doctor, we've been trying to have a baby, but we just can't get pregnant. I don't know what's wrong."

"Take off your underpants and lie down on that table."

"I'd love to doctor, but I'd rather have my husband's baby."

***

How can you tell the blonde on the nude beach?

She's the one with a tampon string hanging out of her ass.

***

What do you call a blonde working at the post office?

Overqualified.

***

A blonde girl is hitchhiking and gets picked up by a trucker. The first thing she notices is the trucker's CB radio. "Wow, what a nice radio."

"I can talk to anyone in the world with that."

"Can I talk to my mom in Pomona?"

"Sure." He whips out his cock.

She grabs it and put it in her mouth, saying, "Hewoo. Muver?"

***

What's the white stuff you find in the bottom of a blonde's underwear?

Clitty litter.

***

Did you hear about the blonde carpool?

They meet at work.

***

The teacher asked the blonde sitting in the front row, "Can you tell me what 32, 21, and 102 are?"

"That would be Sports Center, Nick at Night, and Turner Classic Movies."

***

She hated fishing, but the blonde nurse loved going down on the doc.

***

Did you hear about the blonde housekeeper?

Every time she got divorced she kept the house.

***

Why'd the blonde lawyer fail the bar exam?

She thought an anti-trust suit was a chastity belt.

***

Why couldn't the blonde terrorist blow up the bus?

She kept burning her lips on the tailpipe.

***

Why was the blonde snorting Equal?

She thought it was diet coke.

***

The bartender said to the blonde as he poured her cabernet, "Say when."

She said, "Right after this drink."

***

What do blondes call underwear?

Ankle warmers.

***

"Mother?" asked the new bride, "how can I make my new husband happy?"

"Love," said the mother, "can be a beautiful bond between two people who respect each other's sexual needs..."

I know how to fuck, mom," said the girl. "I want you to teach me how to make meatloaf."

***

Why did the blonde get kicked off of the beach?

A life guard caught her going down for the third time.

***

Why do blondes have two sets of lips?

So they can piss and moan at the same time.

***

Why do blondes wear two diaphragms?

So they can be for sure for sure.

What does a blonde call pulling off her pantyhose?

"Foreplay."

***

How can you tell when your blonde girlfriend is paranoid about STDs?

She puts a condom on her vibrator.

***

What's a blonde's favorite cocktail?

Perrier and water.

***

What do you call a blonde with genital herpes, syphilis, gonorrhea, and AIDS?  
An incurable romantic.

***

What's the difference between a blonde and a rooster?

A rooster says, "Cock-a-doodle-do" and a blonde says, "Any cock'll do."

***

Did you hear about the blonde who set her pussy on fire on the Fourth of July?

She lit the fuse to her tampon.

***

Did you hear about the blonde that went fishing with 14 guys?

They all limited out; all she got was a red snapper.

***

What did the blonde write under EDUCATION on the job application?

Hooked on Phonics.

***

And where it said it said SIGN HERE she wrote Gemini.

***

Why'd the blonde spend 20 minutes staring at the orange juice carton?

Because it said Concentrate.

***

Why was the blonde late for her blood test?

She was studying.

***

Did you hear about the blonde that was so stupid that...

She sold the car for gas money.

She couldn't eat her M&M's until they were in alphabetical order.

She tripped over a cordless phone.

She thought General Motors was in the army.

She thought she could only use her AM radio before noon.

She thought Boyz II Men was a daycare center.

She flunked a breast exam.

She thought Meow Mix was a rave CD for cats.

She thought a quarterback was a refund.

She told her friend to meet her at the corner of WALK and DON'T WALK.

She thinks Taco Bell is Mexico's phone company.

***

Why is it so hard for a blonde catch a husband?

It isn't. It's hard for a blonde to catch a single guy.

One blonde says to another blonde, "Don't you wish you had enough money to pay for everything you ever wanted?"

"I just wish I had enough money to pay for everything I've already bought."

***

A blonde wanted to see what the hubbub was about with pornographic movies, so she went to the video store and rented a VCR with the most provocative title imaginable. She popped it into the machine and there was no picture, just snow and interference. She called the clerk at the video store to complain. He said, "I'm sorry, what's the name of the movie?"

She popped the tape out of the machine and read the title: Head Cleaner.

***

Did you hear about the blonde farm girl who was fucked so many times her father hung her over the barn door for good luck?

***

Another blonde invention: snap on zits for people who want to look younger.

Why do blondes only get a half hour for lunch?

It costs too much to retrain them.

***

What do you get when you cross a computer with a blonde?

A fucking-know-it-all.

***

What do Alex Haley and blondes have in common?

Black roots.

***

A blonde walks into a hospital and says to the receptionist: "I need to see an upturn."

"An intern."

"Whatever. I need a contamination."

"An examination."

"Whatever. Which way is the fraternity ward?"

"Maternity."

"Whatever. All I know is that I fucked this guy without a condom, I haven't demonstrated for two months and, frankly, I think I'm stagnant."

***

What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?

A blonde sucks harder after you slap it.

***

"I hope," said the blonde's roommate, "that you won't be alone in that pervert's apartment tonight. I heard he tied up Nancy Miller and fucked her with a wine bottle, then shoved a zucchini up her ass."

"I won't be alone," said the blonde. "He'll be there with me."

***

The blonde held up her new dress. "My God," said her husband. "It's transparent. People will see right through that thing."

"No they won't, I'll be in it."

***

Did you hear about the blonde who won a cooking contest?

It was sponsored by D-Con.

***

How does a blonde time her meatloaf?

With a smoke detector.

***

What's the best way to hide something from a blonde?

Put it in the oven.

***

What's a blonde's mating call?

"God, I am sooo drunk."

***

What's an ugly blonde's mating call?

"I said, God, I am sooo drunk."

***

A blonde walks into a bank to cash a check, "Please identify yourself," says the teller. The blonde pulls a mirror out of her purse, "Oh yeah, that's me alright."

***

How are an erection and birth control pills similar?

They are two things a blonde can put in her mouth to avoid pregnancy.

***

What do you see when you gaze deeply into a blonde's eyes?

The inside of her skull.

***

Why don't blondes drink beer on the beach?

They might get sand in their Schlitz.

***

Did you hear about the blonde actress who made it in Hollywood the difficult way?

She had talent.

***

One blonde says to another blonde, "Are you going to Suzie's 29th birthday party?"

"Of course. I go every year."

***

How do you know when your new blonde girlfriend is a keeper?

After a blow job, you have to pull the sheets out of your ass-crack.

***

Why did the blonde tattoo her ZIP Code on her inner thigh?

So she could get some male in her box.

***

At the funeral of a blonde actress who had been married seven times and widowed twice a friend said, "Well, they are together at last."

Another friend asked, "Which of her husbands are buried here?"

"I meant her legs."

***

Have you tried the new blonde paint?

It's cheap and spreads easily, but it's not too bright.

***

The blonde sat in the dentist chair. "I honestly don't know what I dread most," she said. "Having a root canal or having unprotected sex with someone I just met."

"Let me know when you decide," said the dentist, "so I know which way to tilt the chair."

***

A blonde hottie in a halter top and high heels walked into the Vintage Vinyl Shoppe. "Do you," she asked, "have any Pink Floyd?"

"What I have for you," said the owner, "is an eight inch cock with protruding veins and a throbbing head."

"Is that a record?"

"Probably not, but it's better than average."

***

Why'd the blond give up moose hunting?

The decoys were too heavy.

***

What is gross stupidity?

144 blondes.

***

Why'd the blonde fail Biology?

Instead of dissecting frogs she was busy opening flies.

***

"What's the difference," the nun asked the blonde, "between fornication and adultery?"

"I've tried both," said the blonde, "and actually they are pretty similar."

***

"I don't know what you see in him," said the brunette, "he's just an everyday kind of guy."

The blonde replied, "What more could you ask for?"

***

Why aren't there any blonde pharmacists?

Because they can't get those little bottles into the typewriters.

***

Did you hear about the blonde admiral who wanted to be buried at sea?

Three of his sons drowned digging the grave.

***

The blonde went to the campus clinic and had the intern remove a wad of red wax from her belly button. "How ever," asked the intern, "did you acquire a lump of wax in your belly button?"

"My boyfriend likes to dine by candlelight."

***

"What do you take for a sore throat?" one blonde asked a brunette.

"I just suck on a Life Saver."

"That's easy for you; you live at the beach."

***

A coed reminiscing about her childhood asked her blonde roommate, "Did you play with jacks when you were little?"

"Yes. And Paul's, and Chuck's, and Bobby's."

***

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead walked into the women's locker room after a workout. Suddenly an erect cock protruded from a shower stall. The redhead said, "That's not my husband."

The brunette said, "That's not my husband or my lover."

The blonde said, "He's not even a member of this club."

***

How did the boss know that his new secretary was a blonde?

The white-out on the computer screen.

***

Did you hear about the blonde who moved from California to Mississippi?

She raised the IQ of both states.

***

How'd the blonde hemophiliac die?

She tried acupuncture.

***

A blonde said to her analyst: "Every time I drink I end up in a three-way or a gang-fuck and I feel guilty about it for weeks."

"It's obvious that you have to quit drinking."

"Can't you just do something about the guilt?"

***

At the New Year's Eve party one blonde said to the other, "If I'm not in bed by midnight I'm going home."

***

A blonde goes to heaven and St. Peter says, "Cause of death?"

"Herpes."

"You don't die from herpes."

"You do when you give it to Big Dave."

***

"Am I," he asked the blonde, "the first man you've slept with?"

"Only," she said, "if you doze off."

***

This hourglass-figured middle-aged blonde showed up for swim lessons. The senior instructor said, "I got this one." He coaxed her into the water and they splashed and bonded and played and then he started walking her, face-to-face, into the deep end of the pool.

"Please, please," she said, "don't take your cock out of me. I might sink."

***

An American blonde in France is raped by a gang of twelve men. The local police chief is shocked and embarrassed and says, "We will, madam, apprehend all twelve suspects."

"Don't bother," she says. "Just get number two, number seven and number nine."

***

A blond visited the psychiatrist and confessed, "I'm a nymphomaniac. All I ever think about and do is sucking and fucking."

"I specialize in disorders like that. I can help you but I charge $200 an hour."

"Okay," she said. "How much for all night?"

***

"Hey," said one blonde to the other, "remember that frontless, backless, strapless, sideless dress I wore to the party last week?"

"Yes."

"I just found out it was a belt."

***

A blonde teenager brought her new boyfriend home to meet her parents. He was pierced and tattooed with spiked hair, wearing a leather jacket, motorcycle boots and a knife on his hip. The blonde's mother pulled her immediately into the kitchen and said, "He doesn't seem like a very nice boy."

"If he wasn't nice, why would he be doing 750 hours of community service?"

***

Two blondes were talking while on Stairmasters: "I've been out with hundreds of guys and I haven't let one make love to me."

"Really? Which one was that?"

***

"You really believe I'll be a star?" asked the blonde who had just removed her bra and panties at the director's request.

"Absolutely," he said, "in fact you've already started to make it big."

***

Did you hear about the blonde bride who was so horny she carried a bouquet of batteries?

***

"That was the most boring frat party I've ever been to," said the blonde coed to her roommate.

"Then why'd you stay for eight hours?"

"I couldn't find my clothes."

***

Why did the blonde name her dog herpes?

Because it wouldn't heel.

***

Why did the blonde take two hits of LSD?

Because she wanted to take a round-trip.

***

A shapely blonde boarded a bus. There were no available seats so she asked a business man, "I'm pregnant, may I please have your seat?"

"Certainly." He stood and said, "If you don't mind my saying, you look marvelous for being pregnant. How far along are you?"

"About 45 minutes."

***

The blonde purchased some underwear at Victoria's Secret and asked the salesperson if she might have IF YOU CAN READ THIS YOU'RE TOO CLOSE embroidered on the front. "Very good," said the salesperson, "italics or block lettering?"

"Braille."

***

How are Tampax and blonde cheerleaders similar?

They are both stuck up cunts.

***

Two blondes go to the county fair. One goes on the Ferris wheel while the other explores the midway. They meet up for some cotton candy and the one who rode the Ferris wheel asks, "What did you do?"

"I put a nickel in one of those scales that tells your fortune, and it said, "You are intelligent, well read, and have opinions on important subjects that people find fascinating."

"I bet it got your weight wrong too."

***

What did the blonde call her diary?

A whodunit.

***

What do you give a blonde who has everything?

Penicillin.

***

"How was the movie?" one blonde asked another.

"Terrible. I had to change my seat four times."

"Was a guy groping you?"

"Eventually."

***

Two blondes are walking home from the movies. "I've finally," says one, "figured out the movie rating system."

"Really?"

"Yes. G means the good guy gets the girl. R means the bad guy gets the girl. X means everyone gets the girl."

***

At a wild Christmas party a blonde is surprised in a darkened room. "Jesus, Freddy you've never fucked me up the ass before."

"That's because I'm Teddy."

***

What did the blonde get on her S.A.T.?

Nail polish remover.

***

The man said to the blonde as they cuddled in the back seat of the car, "If I pull your pants down and stick my dick in, will you yell for help?"

"Only," she said, "if you really need it."

***

The blonde walks into her boss' office: "What a nice day."

"It's supposed to snow," says the boss.

"It's not going to snow."

"Yes it is," he says, "I'll lay you twelve to one."

"I'd love to," she says, "but that's my lunch hour."

***

The blonde coed walked up to the professor after the final, "I didn't do very well on the final and I'd do anything if you gave me a passing grade."

"Really?"

"Anything."

"Try studying."

***

What do blondes go ice fishing for?

Olives.

***

Why don't blondes use vibrators?

They chip their teeth.

***

The blonde actress said to her psychiatrist, "I'm on the verge of suicide. I can't sing, dance, or act."

"Why don't you give up show business?"

"I can't," she said. "I'm a star."

***

Toward the end of The Exorcist a blonde started squirming in her seat. The lady behind her said, "Feeling hysterical?"

"No," she said, "he's feeling mine."

***

The Brit entered a department store in Orlando to buy some personal stationery and asked the young blonde clerk, "Do you have notions?"

"Absolutely, but I have to wait until my lunch hour."

"You misconstrue, I mean do you keep stationery?"

"No," she said, "I buck like a fucking pony until I come and then I just quiver all over."

***

"Okay, blondie," said the cop to the blonde walking through the park, "you're under arrest for indecent exposure."

"But officer, I'm wearing a two piece suit."

The cop said, "Sandals?"

***

Two blondes become lost while they are out hunting. "Let's fire into the air three times. Somebody will rescue us."

So the other blonde shot into the air three times. They waited an hour.

"Try three more shots."

She did and they waited another hour.

"Try three more shots."

"I can't."

"Why not?"

"I'm out of arrows."

***

The blonde called the OB-GYN's office, "Did I leave my panties there?"

"No."

"Okay, I'll try the dentist's."

***

Why do blonde ballerinas wear two pairs of tights?

So when they do the splits they don't stick to the floor.

***

A blonde USO singer was asked after her show, "Would you like to mess with the officers or enlisted men tonight?"

"Both. But I need to get something to eat first."

***

How do you change a blonde's mind?

Buy her a drink.

***

Postcard from a blonde on vacation: Having a wonderful time. Where am I?

***

After an enthralling performance with assorted dildoes the blonde stripper returned to her dressing room to find six erectile men. "I'd love to fuck all you guys, but I've had a terribly busy day and I'm tired. One of you will have to leave."

***

How can you tell if a blonde's been on a wild date?

If she tosses her panties in the air they stick to the ceiling.

***

A 15 year old blonde actress arrived in Hollywood and arranged a meeting with a famous director. He took one look at her hot little tushy and said, "Are you a virgin?"

"Yes. But if it means a starring role I'm not a fanatic about it."

***

The blonde coed returned to her dorm and said to her roommate, "What a great night. Everyone said Zach and I were the hottest couple on the floor."

"I thought you weren't going to the homecoming dance?"

"We didn't. Zach took me to an orgy."

***

Why don't blondes drink Kool Aid?

They can't figure how to get two quarts of water into that little packet.

***

Did you hear about the blond gigolo?

He got a job in a warehouse.

***

Why'd the lonely blonde swallow a pin?

She just had to have a prick inside her.

***

Did you hear about the blond actress who was so stupid she moved to Hollywood and fucked a writer?

***

What's a blonde's idea of safe sex?

A padded dashboard.

***

What's a blonde's idea of safe sex?

Locking the car doors.

What is the difference between shooting arrows at lovers and a blonde?

Shooting arrows at lovers is a Cupid stunt.

***

A blonde confided to her roommate, "Our engagement really upset his family."

"Why?"

"I don't know. But his wife was particularly pissed."

***

What do you call an intelligent blonde?

A golden retriever.

***

Why don't blondes breast feed?

It hurts too much when they sterilize their nipples.

***

A blonde is standing at the curb when a gorgeous guy in a Porsche pulls up and says, "I'm going down to LA for the weekend."

"Great," she says. "Bring me back an orange."

***

How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies?

By the M&M shells all over the floor.

***

Did you hear about the blonde, modern day Cinderella?

At the stroke of midnight she turned into a motel.

***

Two blond fishermen were standing on opposite banks of a river. One yelled to the other, "How do I get to the other side?"

He replied, "You're already on the other side."

***

What do you call a stork that delivers a blonde?

A dope peddler.

***

A blonde guy walks into the U.S. Navy recruiting office and says, "I'd like to sign up and serve my country."

"Great," says the recruiter, "can you swim?"

"I thought you had boats."

***

How do you make a blonde laugh on Tuesday?

Tell her a joke on Monday.

***

Why did the blonde have a hysterectomy?

She had too many grandchildren.

***

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are stranded on a desert island when they discover a lamp. They rub it and a genie pops out to grant them three wishes. The redhead wishes to be back in LA. ZAP! She's gone. The brunette wishes to be back in New York. ZAP! She's gone. The blonde says, "I miss my friends. I wish they were back here to keep me company."

***

What did the blonde do when she heard that most traffic accidents occur within a mile of your home?

She moved.

***

A blonde mother is talking to her blonde daughter, "What kind of person is your new boyfriend. Is he respectable?"

"Very. He's polite, doesn't drink, is married and has three well behaved children."

***

A young blonde returned home from school and asked her mom, "Do babies come out of the same place that boys stick their penises?"

"Yes, honey that's true."

"Then, when I have a baby will it knock out all my teeth?"

***

Why'd the blonde husband take his pregnant wife to the pizza parlor?

They advertised Free Delivery.

***

What's the difference between a blonde and an ironing board?

Sometimes the legs on an ironing board are hard to open.

***

A blonde goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I literally hurt everywhere."

"Show me."

She touches her toes, "Ow"; her nose, "Ow"; the back of her hand, "Ow"; her thigh, "Ow". "What's wrong with me, Doc?"

"You've broken your index finger."

***

One blonde said to the other blonde, "What was your mother's name before she was married?"

She scratched her head and said, "I didn't have a mother before she was married."

***

What do you call a blonde with two brain cells?

Pregnant.

One blonde says to the other, "Lucky your mom named you Laura."

"Why?"

"Because everybody calls you Laura."

***

Why don't blonde cooks double their cake recipes?

Their ovens don't go up to 650 degrees.

***

Why did the blonde climb onto the roof?

She heard that the drinks were on the house.

***

Why did the blonde take her new silk scarf back to the store?

It was too loose.

***

What blonde personal-ad-lingo really means:

Adventurous—Will fuck your friends.

Athletic—No tits.

Contagious Smile—Has herpes.

Emotionally secure—On lithium and/or Prozac.

Friendship first—Reformed hooker.

***

A man got on a bus with both of his front pants pockets filled with golf balls. He sat down next to a blonde who kept looking quizzically at his pockets. After several such glances from her, he said, "Golf balls."

The blonde continued to look at him, and finally asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

***

Did you hear about the blonde who gave her cat a bath?

She's still spitting out hair.

***

Another blonde invention: ejection seats for helicopters.

***

A blonde burst into her house, "Honey, someone just stole your corvette."

"Did you see who did it?"

"No, but I got the license plate number."

What do the Psychic Friends Hotline call blondes?

Light reading.

***

A blonde couple signed up for a Korean language class. At the first session the teacher asked the class why they wanted to take Korean. When their turn came the blonde lady stood and said, "We've just adopted a Korean baby and we want to be able to understand her when she starts talking."

***

What's the difference between a blonde and a washing machine?

After you dump a load in a washing machine it doesn't follow you around for a week.

***

A blonde always wanted to make love on horseback but her boyfriend, also blonde, wasn't good with horses. But she finally convinced him and they were both getting into it and BAM! just before they reached simultaneous orgasm the manager of the Wal-Mart unplugged the horse.

What's the disease that paralyzes blondes from the waist down?

Marriage.

***

Why do blondes have more fun?

Because they are so easily amused.

***

What does a blonde say after multiple orgasms?

"Way to go guys!"

***

Why did the blonde stink on her left side?

She couldn't find a store that sold Left Guard.

***

A blonde teenager walked into a bank with a huge jar of quarters. The teller ran them through the counting machine, gave her $780.00 and asked, "How long have you been hoarding quarters?"

"Only a week, but my sister whored half of them."

***

The blonde boy called the blonde girl for a date. She said, "But I'm on my menstrual cycle."

"No sweat," he said. "I'll come over on my mountain bike."

***

A blonde gets home from work early and sees her husband fucking the neighbor on the living room floor. "Harry," she says, "what the hell are you doing?"

Harry says to the neighbor, "I told you she was fucking stupid."

***

How are a blonde and a toilet seat similar?

Without the hole down the middle neither would be worth a shit.

***

Two blondes are sunbathing by a riverbank when a huge cow turd floats by. The turd says, "Come on in, the water's great."

One blonde turns to the other says, "Do you think we should really believe that shit?"

***

What happens if a blonde doesn't wear underwear in the winter?

She develops chapped lips.

***

What's the best way to part a blonde's hair?

With your tongue.

***

How are Paris Hilton and Kansas similar?

They are flat, white and easy to get into.

***

Why were Paris Hilton's parents so upset when they saw her sex video?

The towels in the background said ECONO LODGE.

***

Did you hear about the blonde girl who dropped her gum in the toilet?

She chewed the shit out of it.

***

What do you call a blonde in a leather jacket?

Rebel without a clue.

***

Two blondes walked into a building. You think one of them would have seen it.

***

A blonde and brunette live in the same apartment building. The blonde always sees the brunette in the elevator with a variety of handsome and obviously rich men. One day it's just them in the elevator and the blonde asks, "How do you attract so many gorgeous men?"

The brunette flips her head and her beautiful hair cascades. She says, "Head and Shoulders."

The blonde says, "How do you give shoulders?"

***

Why do blondes prefer BMWs?

Because they can't spell Mitsubishi, Chevrolet, or Mercedes Benz.

***

What do you call a redhead flanked by two blondes?

An interpreter.

***

Why is Vanna White such a positive role model for blondes?

She knows the alphabet.

***

What do you call a blonde who craves anal sex?

A no-holes-barred girl.

***

How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?

Wave to her.

***

How'd the blonde break her arm?

Fell out of the tree while raking leaves.

***

How do you sink a submarine full of blondes?

Knock on the door.

***

Why did the blonde nurse tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?

So she wouldn't wake the sleeping pills.

***

Why do blonde babies have such big heads?

So they don't fall out when their mother is walking down the aisle at her wedding.

***

What do you call two blondes in the freezer?

Cold cunts.

***

What do a blonde and a postage stamp have in common?

You lick them, stick them, and send them away.

***

What do a blonde and a shotgun have in common?

One cock and they're both ready to blow.

***

What do a blonde and a doorknob have in common?

Everyone gets a turn.

***

What do a blonde and a pie have in common?

Everybody gets a piece.

***

What do a blonde and railroad tracks have in common?

They're spread all over.

***

Why don't they let blondes swim in the ocean?

They can't get the smell out of the fish.

***

What is the ultimate embarrassment for a blonde stewardess?

When her Ben Wa balls set off the metal detector at the airport.

***

Why did the blonde girl refuse to wear her training bra?

The wheels irritated her armpits.

***

A cop shined his flashlight into the back seat of a parked car. The beam revealed a man laying on his stomach in the back seat with his pants down around his ankles. A blonde had the middle three fingers of her right hand shoved up the man's ass and was reaming him with a vengeance. The cop said, "What the hell are you doing?"

"This is a blind date that my best friend fixed me up with. This asshole started pounding whiskey as soon as we got to the restaurant. He passed out, so I drove him up here so he could puke and sober up."

"Three fingers up his ass won't make him puke."

"They will when I stick them in his mouth."

***

What do a blonde and an ice cream cone have in common?

Everybody gets a lick.

***

Why did the blonde wear high heels?

She didn't want to sell herself short.

***

What's a blonde's favorite rock group?

Yes.

***

A blonde walks into an ice cream parlor and says, "I'd like chocolate, please."

"We're out of chocolate."

"Then just give me chocolate."

"We're out of chocolate."

"Then just give me chocolate."

"Blondie, how do you spell the van in vanilla?"

"V-A-N."

"How do you spell the straw in strawberry?"

"S-T-R-A-W."

"How do you spell the fuck in chocolate?"

"There is no fuck in chocolate?"

"Exactly. THERE IS NO FUCK'N CHOCOLATE."

***

The gynecologist said to his blonde patient, "The vibrator, somehow, is wedged in sideways. Removing it will involve a delicate and expensive operation."

"I can't afford that," said the blonde. "Could you just change the batteries?"

***

A blonde gets pulled over for speeding. The cop walks up to the driver's side and motions for her to roll down the window. She does and he unzips and whips out his pud. "Oh God," she says, "not another breathalyzer test."

***

Did you hear how the blonde prisoner got a concussion?

Tried to hang himself with a bungee cord.

***

What do a blonde and a folding chair have in common?

Both are useless unless their legs are spread.

***

How do you know when a fax is from a blonde?

The postage stamp in the upper right hand corner.

***

How does a blonde spell farm?

E-I-E-I-O

***

Another blonde invention: stained glass contact lenses for near-sighted monks.

***

Why couldn't the blonde work at a toll booth?

Because her mother told her, "Never take money from strangers."

***

What do you call a blonde golfer with an IQ of 160?

A foursome.

***

Why did the blonde bake her chicken for a week?

The recipe said to bake for an hour-and-a-half per pound and she weighed 125.

***

Another blonde invention: Expiration dates for clothes so you know when you're out of fashion.

***

Why can't blondes make ice cubes?

They can't remember the recipe.

***

Another blonde invention: The cordless bungee.

***

A man is in his front yard pulling weeds when his blonde neighbor comes out, checks the mail box, then slams it shut and says, "Dammit!" An hour later, she returns and does the same thing. Weeds pulled, he begins to mow the lawn and trim the hedges. Sure enough an hour later she comes out, checks the mailbox, slams it shut and says, "Dammit!"

"Why," he asks, "do you check your mailbox never every hour?"

"Because my computer keeps saying, You've Got Mail."

***

A blonde got a job collecting sperm from turkeys for artificial insemination. She approached one tom turkey who said, "Gobble, gobble, gobble."

"I'd love to," she said, "but you're getting a hand job just like everyone else."

***

The traffic judge asked the blonde, "What gear were you in when you ran over the old lady in the crosswalk?"

She said, "Gucci pumps and a Donna Karan red silk, mid-calf dress."

***

A robber burst into a bank with a gun and demanded that everyone strip naked and lay face down. Everyone complied, but the blonde teller lay down on her back. "Miss Henshaw," whispered the bank's president, "This is a robbery, not an office party."

***

A blonde is walking down the street with a cockatoo on her shoulder. A cop walks up to her and says, "Wow, where'd you get that?"

The bird says, "I won second prize in a raffle."

"Wow," says the cop, "what was first prize?"

The bird says, "A dollar."

***

Why do blondes put their hair in ponytails?

To cover up the valve stem.

***

A blonde replaced her existing windows with energy efficient ones. A year after installation the contractor calls up, threatening to sue her for payment. She says, "But the salesman told me that the windows would pay for themselves in a year."

A brunette secretary says to a blonde secretary, "Our boss sure dresses well."

"Quickly, too."

***

Why'd the blonde take a ruler to bed?

To see how long she slept.

***

A blonde with a coach ticket saunters into first class. Three stewardesses tell her she can't sit in first class with a coach ticket, but she just says, "I'm riding all the way to New York in first class." An old lady sitting behind the blond whispers in her ear and she marches back to coach. A stewardess says to the old lady, "What did you say to her?"

"I told her that only coach was landing in New York."

***

Why do blondes never go bald?

The vacuum inside their cranium holds the hair on.

***

A blonde went deer hunting with her husband. Alone in the middle of the woods he had a heart attack. She dialed 911 on the cell phone, frantically, she said, "What do I do?"

The operator said, "First calm down. Is he dead or alive?"

The operator heard a gun shot, then the blonde said, "Okay, now what?"

***

A man walks into Saks with a gorgeous blonde on his arm. He says, "Pick out anything you want." She picks out a $50,000 fur coat. The man writes a check and the clerk says, "You can pick the coat up Monday after the check clears."

Monday rolls around and the check has bounced. The man comes strolling into Saks. "I can't give you the coat, says the clerk. "Your check bounced."

"I know. I wanted to stop by and thank you for arranging one of the best weekends of my life."

***

What's the difference between a blonde cheerleader and a bowling ball?

You can only fit three fingers in a bowling ball.

A blonde and her boyfriend were at the beach when a seagull flew over and shit on the boyfriend's head. He says, "Dammit! Go get me some toilet paper."

"Why? He must be half-a-mile away by now."

***

A blond couple are expecting a baby. She went into labor and the blond husband called 911: "My wife is having a baby. Her contractions are two minutes apart. What do I do?"

"Is this her first child?"

"No. It's her husband."

***

What do you call five blondes standing on their heads?

Brunettes.

***

Why don't blondes in San Francisco wear miniskirts?

Because they freeze their balls off.

***

How does a blonde turn on the light after sex?

She opens the car door.

***

What does a blonde say after sex?

"Are all you guys on the same team?"

***

What's the first thing a blonde does in the morning?

She drives home.

***

A blonde police officer pulled over a blonde in a convertible Thunderbird for speeding. She walked over to the car and asked the blonde driver for some ID. The driver searched through her purse. Finally she asked, "What does it look like?"

"It's that rectangular thing with your picture on it."

The blonde driver pulled her compact out, opened it and saw her picture. She handed the compact to the blonde cop who peeked in the mirror and said, "If you told me you're a cop when I first pulled you over we could have avoided this whole messy thing."

***

A bum walks up to a blonde and says, "I haven't eaten in a week."

"God," says the blonde, "I wish I had your will power."

***

Why'd the blonde have a bruised belly button?

Her boyfriend was blond too.

***

Two blondes are working out, side-by-side, on Stairmasters. They are sharing private and personal information about their married lives. One of them says, "Last week, I caught my husband sucking a cock."

"That's funny."

"What's so funny about that?"

"That's how I caught my husband!"

***

Why do blondes wear hoop earrings?

Stirrups.

***

What do you call a blonde with half a brain?

Gifted.

***

What has a bald head, is six inches long, and drives blondes wild?

A hundred dollar bill.

***

The patriotic blond took his newborn son down to the recruiting office and handed him to the army recruiter. "We don't take babies," said the sergeant.

"I thought you had an infantry?"

***

How does a blonde cut a correspondence class?

Sends in empty envelopes.

***

Why did the blonde get a tattoo of a snowman on the inside of her left thigh and a turkey on the inside of her right thigh?

Because her husband complained there's never anything to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas.

***

Why was the young, married blonde couple embarrassed when her mother-in-law came over to help with the baby?

All the pubic hair in the Vaseline.

***

The blonde's mother-in-law found her three month old granddaughter in a foul and shitty diaper. "What the hell," she screamed, "are you doing to this child? You have to change the diapers."

"But on the box," said the blonde, "it said they were good for 15-20 pounds."

***

A sick neighbor asked the blonde to change her baby. The blonde came back an hour later with a Japanese child.

***

Why did the blonde go to the nude beach?

To snatch a few rays.

***

A blonde walks into a lawyer's office and says, "I want to divorce my husband."

"On what grounds?"

"He's not been faithful to me."

"What evidence do you have?"

"I don't think he's the father of my child."

***

What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you?

Run like hell, she's got a hand grenade in her mouth.

***

A blonde wants to earn extra money so she goes through the neighborhood asking about odd jobs. A neighbor says, "Okay, here's some paint and a brush. I need you to paint my porch." He goes inside. Twenty minutes later the blonde rings his doorbell and says, "I'm done."

"So soon?"

"It was easy. But it's not a Porsche, it's a Lamborghini."

***

Why are blonde jokes so short?

So men can understand them.

***

Why'd the blonde get fired from the M&M factory?

She was throwing away the "W's"

***

A blonde and a brunette are planning a bank robbery. The brunette is the getaway driver. The blonde enters the bank and comes out ten minutes later dragging the entire safe with a rope. She's being pursued by a guard with his pants down around his ankles. The brunette says, "You were supposed to tie up the guard and blow the safe."

***

How did the blonde make it through Stanford in three years?

She had a fine faculty for lovemaking.

"Today," said the anatomy professor, "I'll be lecturing on livers and spleens."

The blonde in the front row said, "Not another organ recital."

***

How do you drown a blonde?

Put a mirror at the bottom of a swimming pool.

***

A ventriloquist is putting on his show when he launches into a tirade against blondes: "What do you call four blondes in a Volkswagen? Farfrumthinkin'. What's the difference between a blonde and a swallow? A swallow won't swallow. How do you keep a blonde occupied? Put her in a round room and tell her to go masturbate in a corner."

A blonde in the front row stands up and says, "This has been a nice, family oriented show. Until NOW! There are blond doctors, lawyers, teachers, Latinas, Blacks, Jews, Irish, and Native Americans—when you tell a blond joke you are insulting society as a whole."

The ventriloquist says, "I've never looked at it like that before. You're right. I'm sorry."

The blonde says, "Shut the hell up, I was talking to the little guy."

Why did the blonde hurdle the picket fence?

So she could see what was on the other side.

***

A blonde walks into the house and says to her husband, "There's something wrong with the car."

"What now?"

"I think it has water in the intake manifold."

"You don't even know what an intake manifold is. What makes you think it has water in it?"

"Because I drove it into the swimming pool."

***

Did you hear about the blonde with a degree in psychology?

She'll blow your mind.

***

Why couldn't the blonde have sex on her honeymoon?

She kept waiting for the swelling to go down.

***

How do you get a blonde to marry you?

Tell her she's pregnant.

***

Did you hear about the blond coyote?

He chewed off three legs and was still caught in the trap.

***

What's the difference between a blonde and a parrot?

A parrot can say No.

***

Why do blondes like cars with sunroofs?

More leg room.

***

Why don't blondes ever vote in elections?

They simply don't care who gets in.

***

#  CUCUMBERS AND SHEEP...

CUCUMBERS ARE BETTER THAN MEN BECAUSE:

Cucumbers won't write your name and phone number on the men's room wall.

Cucumbers can get away any weekend.

A cucumber won't tell other cucumbers that you are no longer a virgin.

A cucumber will always respect you in the morning.

Cucumbers stay hard for a week.

A cucumber won't drag you to a John Wayne film festival.

At the drive-in you can sit in the front seat.

A cucumber can always wait until you get home.

A cucumber won't ask, "Am I the first?"

You can fondle cucumbers in the supermarket and know how firm they are before you take them home.

Cucumbers are easy to pick up.

Cucumbers don't get "Too Excited".

A cucumber won't tell you size doesn't count.

The average cucumber is at least six inches long.

You can get a room in a hotel without having to check in as "Mrs. Cucumber."

You can go to the movies and actually see the film.

With cucumbers, you don't have to be a virgin more than once.

A cucumber won't give oral sex up for Lent.

Cucumbers don't have sexual hang ups.

Cucumbers won't make you wear kinky clothes or go to bed in high heels.

Cucumbers aren't into rope, leather, bondage or fucking your sister.

You can have as many cucumbers as you can handle.

Cucumbers never need a round of applause.

Cucumbers never ask: "Did you come?" "How many times?" "How was I?" "Am I the best?"

Cucumbers aren't jealous of old boyfriends, your gynecologist, tennis instructor, or hair dresser.

Cucumbers don't want to join your support group.

Cucumbers aren't into meaningful discussions.

Cucumbers won't ask about your last lover or speculate about your next one.

Cucumbers will never make a scene just because there are carrots in the refrigerator.

A cucumber won't mind hiding in the refrigerator when your mother visits.

A cucumber doesn't care what time of the month it is.

No matter how old you are you can always get a fresh, hard cucumber.

Cucumbers can handle rejection.

A cucumber won't pout if you have a headache.

A cucumber never wants to fuck when your nails are wet.

With a cucumber you never have to say you're sorry.

Cucumbers don't talk, drool, burp, fart, scratch themselves, or leave whisker burns.

A cucumber will never, ever give you a hickey.

After sex a cucumber will never want to shake hands and just be friends.

After sex a cucumber will never call you a cab.

After sex a cucumber will never call his mother, ex-wife, best friend, or therapist.

After sex a cucumber will never tell you he isn't the marrying kind.

After sex a cucumber will never tell you he is the marrying kind.

Cucumbers stay up all night.

Cucumbers never make you sleep on the wet spot.

Cucumbers don't leave you worrying for a month.

A cucumber won't send you to the drugstore for condoms.

Cucumbers won't tell you that a vasectomy would "Ruin it for me."

A cucumber a day keeps the OB-GYN away.

A cucumber won't start your crossword puzzle in ink.

Cucumbers aren't allergic to cats.

Cucumbers don't get the flu and whine.

Cucumbers will never borrow your car, cell phone, or money.

A cucumber will never use your toothbrush or leave the toilet seat up.

A cucumber won't eat all your food or drink all your vodka.

A cucumber won't turn your bathroom into a library.

Cucumbers won't go through your medicine chest.

Cucumbers don't leave hair in the sink.

A cucumber doesn't flush the toilet while you are in the shower.

Cucumbers don't leave their shit-streaked underwear on the floor.

You don't have to wait until half-time to talk to your cucumber.

A cucumber won't wear shorts to your office Christmas party.

Cucumbers don't care if you make more money than them.

A cucumber doesn't have softball practice on the day you move.

You'll never discover that your cucumber is married, on penicillin, or likes cucumbers just as much as you do.

Cucumbers don't compare you to a centerfold.

Cucumbers won't tell you they liked you better with long hair.

A cucumber will never come home late from work smelling like another woman.

A cucumber never holds your head under the covers and farts, snaps your bra, pinches your ass, or gives you a wedgie.

You always know where your cucumber has been.

A cucumber will never call you "The Wife".

Cucumbers don't have mid-life crises.

A cucumber won't be upset if he sees you out with a banana from the office.

A cucumber won't brag to his friends if he gets you pregnant.

Cucumbers go as fast or slow as you want, for as long as you want.

Cucumbers don't mind if you're on top.

A cucumber won't go to Vegas on New Year's Eve.

Cucumbers don't have mothers.

A cucumber won't ask to be put through medical school.

A cucumber doesn't care if you want to spend Christmas with your family.

A cucumber won't tell you he's outgrown you intellectually.

Cucumbers never expect you to have little cucumbers

A cucumber will never say, "Let's keep trying until we have a boy!"

Cucumbers never want to make love with the lights on.

A cucumber will never ask that his little cucumbers be raised Catholic, Jewish, Muslim, or vegetarian.

It's really, really easy to drop a cucumber.

A cucumber never rolls over and goes to sleep after he's had his but before you've had yours.

BUT MOST IMPORTANTLY:

You only eat a cucumber when you feel like it.

***

SHEEP ARE BETTER THAN WOMEN BECAUSE:

Sheep don't shy away from boots and leather.

Sheep don't have a gag reflex or upper teeth.

There is a livestock auction once a week.

You can get a better grip on a sheep's ears.

Sheep don't smell like tuna fish.

The American Woolgrower's Association is a lot nicer than the National Organization of Women.

With sheep you aren't likely to mistake a wrinkle for the real thing.

Cotton mouth is easier to get rid of than herpes.

A sheep won't expect you to do your share of the cooking, dishes, laundry and then refuse to mow the lawn, fix a leaky faucet, or change a tire.

A sheep won't care if your secretary is better looking than she is.

A sheep doesn't care if you fuck her sister.

A sheep will never break all your German beer mugs just because you fucked her sister.

A sheep will never sue you for palimony.

A sheep won't expect you to trade in your pickup for a minivan.

A sheep won't get even with you by spending your entire paycheck on new clothes, none of which are from Victoria's Secret.

A sheep will never throw out back issues of Playboy.

A sheep will never talk to your buddies about women's rights, the brutality of deer hunting, or gun control.

A sheep won't expect you to send her to grad school.

A sheep doesn't always expect you to pay the babysitter.

A sheep won't automatically assume you'll work for her father when you graduate.

A sheep won't lead you on and then tell her parents she was raped.

A sheep won't get drunk and puke in your new pickup.

A sheep doesn't assume that a weekend stay-over gives her the right to rearrange the furniture and buy new curtains.

A sheep won't care if you keep bait in the refrigerator.

Diamonds aren't a sheep's best friend.

A sheep won't call you at work to tell you she's totaled your car.

Sheep won't cheat on you with your best friend.

You don't have to buy sheep drinks and dinner first.

A sheep won't ask if you'll still respect her in the morning.

A sheep doesn't mind being one of the flock.

A sheep won't discuss your pussy licking technique with the girls at the health club.

A sheep will never make you sell your pit bull just because it ate her fucking cat.

Sheep don't mind you leaving the lights on.

A sheep won't complain if it rains on the camping trip.

A sheep will never say: "You aren't as romantic as when we were dating."

Sheep don't mind mirrors on the ceiling.

A sheep doesn't complain about "No eye contact" while fucking doggy style.

A sheep won't leave her underwear soaking in the bathroom sink.

A sheep won't send you out for vibrator batteries.

A sheep won't make you call a marriage counselor.

A sheep never yells when you leave the toilet seat up.

Sheep aren't into talking before, during, or after.

A sheep won't leave you for a model, a muscleman, a massage therapist or another sheep.

A sheep will never tell you the ceiling needs to be painted while you're fucking.

A sheep will never cross her legs and say: "But we can still be friends."

A sheep will never use your razor to shave her legs.

Sheep don't get headaches.

You don't have to explain to sheep why you're home from work two hours late.

Dating a sheep is not like joining the Army: you don't get a new haircut, a new wardrobe, and someone to tell you what to do 24 hours a day.

A sheep won't give your favorite sweatpants to Goodwill.

A sheep won't leave wet nylons and panties on the shower curtain rod.

Sheep don't ask stupid fucking questions during the last two minutes of the Superbowl.

A sheep will never, ever ask you to teach them how to play poker.

A sheep will never call you at work and ask you to pick up a box of Tampax on the way home.

A sheep will never serve all your imported beer to her bridge club.

Sheep reach sexual maturity at 18 months—at that time you can sell or barbeque them.

Sheep won't discuss the Myth of Female Orgasm at your office Christmas party.

Sheep grow their own fur coats.

Sheep like fucking in the morning.

Sheep like fucking in the back of pickup trucks.

A sheep will never use the following excuses: I'm too drunk to enjoy it; I'm not drunk enough to enjoy it; you'll wake the kids; it's too big; it's too little; it's too hot; it's too cold; it's too early; it's too late: my ex-husband used to...

BUT MOST IMPORTANTLY:

A sheep will never leave you for a cucumber—and—a sheep will always eat a fucking cucumber.

***

#  DEAD BABIES, ELEPHANTS, and HELEN KELLER...

DEAD BABIES:

Doctor Marshall enters Mrs. Smith's maternity room with a newborn baby and throws it against the wall: SPLAT! Mrs. Smith screams, "That was my BABY!"

"Don't worry," says the doctor. "It was stillborn."

***

What's red and sits in a corner?

A baby playing with razor blades.

***

What's green and sits in a corner?

Same baby three weeks later.

***

What's red and green, red and green?

A baby being run over by a lawnmower.

***

How do you get 100 dead babies in a bucket?

Use a blender.

***

How do you get them out?

Doritos.

***

What's red and white, red and white, pink-pink-pink?

A baby in a blender.

***

Why did the dead baby cross the road?

She was stapled to the chicken.

***

What's more fun than nailing a dead baby to a tree?

Tearing it off a week later.

***

How do you make a dead baby float?

A quart of root beer and two scoops of dead baby.

***

What's the difference between a dead baby and a bowling ball?

You can't eat a bowling ball.

***

What's blue and sits in a corner?

A baby playing with a plastic bag.

***

What's blue and stiff?

Same baby an hour later.

***

What's more difficult to unload, a truck full of bowling balls or a truck full of dead babies?

The bowling balls. You can't use a pitchfork.

***

What's the only thing more disgusting than a truckload of dead babies?

A truckload of dead babies with a live one on the bottom eating his way out.

***

A doctor enters the maternity ward and says, "I have good news and bad news."

"What," asks the mother, "is the good news?"

"You've given birth to a giant eye."

"A giant eye? What's the bad news."

"It's blind."

***

What's red and swings to-and-fro?

A baby on a meathook.

***

What's the difference between a dead baby and a spoon?

You can't get a spoon down a garbage disposal.

***

What do you get when you stick a knife up a dead baby's ass?

An erection.

***

What's the difference between a dead baby and a baked potato?

You don't come in the baked potato before you eat it.

***

What's the perfect gift for a dead baby?

A dead puppy.

***

ELEPHANTS:

What do elephants use for tampons?

Sheep.

***

Why do elephants drink obsessively?

It helps them to forget.

***

What do elephants use for vibrators?

Epileptics.

***

Fred crashes his motorcycle and his cock has to be amputated. But, as luck would have it, a baby elephant just died and the doctor grafts the elephant's trunk in place of Fred's missing member. After the operation Fred visits a restaurant where he's had his eye on this hot waitress. He asks her out.

"Fuck off," she says.

"It'll be worth your while."

"Prove it."

He unzips his pants and this huge cock/trunk comes out, grabs a sourdough roll off the table and disappears.

"Wow," she says. "Do that again."

He does: it snakes out then retreats.

"Show me that one more time and I'm yours."

"I'd love to but I don't think I could fit another roll up my ass."

***

What do you get when you cross an elephant and a skin doctor?

A pachydermatologist.

***

How do you know when you have an elephant in bed with you?

Nine months later you have a problem.

***

How do you make an elephant fly?

You start with a zipper about two-feet long.

***

How do elephants make love in the water?

They just take down their trunks.

***

What do give an elephant with diarrhea?

Plenty of fucking room.

***

Do you know why elephants have such long trunks?

So they can kiss giraffes.

***

What do you get when cross an elephant with a whore?

A three-quarter ton pick up.

***

An ant and an elephant, despite advice from their friends, get married. They fuck and the elephant has a coronary. "Shit," says the ant, "five minutes of ecstasy and I spend the rest of my life digging a grave."

***

An elephant was stuck in a ditch by the side of the road. A lion comes by and the elephant says, "Mr. Lion, please help me out of this ditch." So the lion went home and came back in his corvette, hitches a rope to the elephant and pulls the elephant out. A week later the lion is stuck in the same ditch and the elephant walks by, "Mr. Elephant, please help me out of this ditch." The elephant stands on his hind legs and lowers his cock into the ditch. The lion grabs on and the elephant pulls the lion out.

Moral: If you got a big cock you don't need a corvette.

***

Why do elephants climb trees?

To rape squirrels.

***

Why do elephants paint their balls red?

So they can hide in cherry trees.

***

You ever see an elephant in a cherry tree?

Works pretty good, huh?

How did Tarzan and Jane die?

Well, one day they were picking cherries....

***

Why did the elephant stand on the marshmallow?

So he wouldn't burn his feet in the hot chocolate.

***

What do you get when you cross an elephant and a hooker?

Someone who does it for peanuts and won't ever forget you.

***

What did Hannibal get when he crossed the Alps with his elephants?

Mountains that never forget.

***

How do you get down from an elephant?

You don't. You get down from a goose.

***

How come elephants wear two pairs of pants when they play golf?

In case they get a hole in one.

***

Why does an elephant have four feet?

Beats the hell out of six-inches.

***

What did the elephant say to the naked man?

"How can you breathe through that thing?"

***

How do you stop an elephant from charging?

Take away his credit cards.

***

What did the grape say when he elephant stepped on it?

Not much, it just let out a little wine.

***

What do you do with an elephant that has three balls?

Walk him and pitch to the rhino.

***

Did you hear about the guy who circumcised elephants?

The pay wasn't much but the tips were huge.

***

How do you know when an elephant has been using your bathroom?

The toilet won't flush.

***

How do you know if an elephant is in the bathtub with you?

There is a faint aroma of peanuts.

***

Why did the elephant put straw on her head?

She wanted to see if blondes have more fun.

***

How do we know that an elephant's genitals are in their feet?

Because if one steps on you, you're fucked.

***

What do jewelry, yogurt, and elephants have in common?

They all come in quarts.

***

How do you know if an elephant has raped your wife?

She's pregnant for two years.

***

Why did the elephant marry the mouse?

He had to.

***

Why do elephants have pogo sticks?

So they can rape flying squirrels.

***

What's the one thing a flying squirrel hates to hear?

Boing, boing, boing.

***

What's the difference between a woman and an elephant?

Elephants will, eventually, forget.

***

What's the difference between an elephant and an Italian mother-in-law?

A black dress and about 65 pounds.

***

How do you fit four elephants in a Volkswagen?

Two in the front; two in the back.

***

Seriously, can you get four elephants in a Volkswagen?

Hell no. It's hard enough getting a little pussy in one.

Why are elephants gray?

So you can distinguish them from blackbirds.

***

What is the only thing harder than getting a pregnant elephant in a Volkswagen?

Getting an elephant pregnant in a Volkswagen.

***

A family visits the zoo and at the elephant cage the bull elephant has an enormous erection. Little Johnny says, "Mommy, what's that?"

"That's nothing."

Dad says, "Son, I got that bitch spoiled."

***

What does an elephant say when an alligator bites his trunk off?

"Fuck!"

***

What the difference between a cocktail lounge and an elephant's fart?  
One is a bar room. The other is a BAROOOOM!

What's the best way to catch an elephant?

Put up a sign that says: NO EFLEPHANTS ALLOWED. Then get a pair of binoculars, some tweezers, and a milk bottle. When an elephant comes by to laugh at the way you spelled elephant you look through the wrong end of the binoculars, pick him up with the tweezers and drop him into the milk bottle.

***

Why do elephants wear tennies?

Because ninesies are too small and elevensies are too big.

***

How do you kill a blue elephant?

With a blue elephant gun.

***

How do you kill a pink elephant?

Grab him by the balls and squeeze until he turns blue then shoot him with a blue elephant gun.

***

What did Tarzan say when he saw an elephant stampede?

"Here come the blueberries." Tarzan is color blind.

***

What did Jane say?

"Here come the blueberries." She was wearing sunglasses.

***

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a tortoise?

Turtle recall.

***

How do you give an elephant a shower?

Get the girls together with some cake, ice cream and perhaps a little champagne...

***

Why did the elephant wear green tennis shoes?

To hide in your back yard.

***

HELEN KELLER:

What's Helen Keller's favorite song?

See Me, Feel Me.

***

Did you know that Helen Keller had a ponytail?

Neither did she.

***

What's Helen Keller's favorite color?

Corduroy.

***

Why'd Helen Keller never skydive?

It scared the fuck out of her dog.

***

Why'd Helen Keller wear yellow socks?

Her dog is blind too.

***

Helen Keller picked up a cheese grater and quickly returned it to the shelf. She signed to her friend: "They're writing some pretty violent books these days."

***

What'd Helen Keller's mom do when she was bad?

Rearrange the furniture.

***

When she was really, really bad?

Leave the plunger in the toilet.

***

What is Helen Keller's favorite lightbulb joke?

"What's a lightbulb and how do you screw it in?"

***

What is Helen Keller's idea of oral sex?

A manicure.

***

Why did Helen Keller begin masturbating at such a young age?

She was trying to read her own lips.

***

Why can't Helen Keller drive?

She's a woman.

***

Why did Helen Keller wear skintight pants?

So people could read her lips.

***

How did Helen Keller pierce her ear?

Answering the stapler.

***

What was the meanest present that Helen Keller was ever given?

A paint by numbers kit.

***

And what was the meanest present Helen get Keller ever gave?

Her first paint by numbers picture.

***

How come Helen Keller never changed her baby's diaper?

So she always knew where to find him.

***

Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand?

She moans with the other.

***

How did Helen Keller burn her fingers?

Reading a waffle iron.

***

How did Helen Keller get hit by a beer truck?

Trying to read a manhole cover.

***

How did Helen Keller burn her ear?

Answering the iron.

***

What did Helen Keller say when she was making love for the first time with her rabbi boyfriend?

"Funny, you don't feel Jewish."

***

Have you seen Helen Keller's new house?

Neither has she.

***

What was the worst day of Helen Keller's life?

When she burned her mouth on a slice of pizza and couldn't taste anything either.

***

What did the flasher say to Helen Keller?

"Maybe I should just describe myself?"

***

#  DIRTY JOHNNY...

"Okay class," says the teacher, "I'm going through the alphabet and I'm going to call on someone for the letters a, b, c, and so on. When called upon, say a word that starts with that letter then use that word in a sentence." Immediately, Dirty Johnny's hand is in the air but the teacher can't call on him because he'll say ass, then bitch, cunt, damn, excrement, fuck, goddam, horseshit, intercourse, jackin' off etc. Finally she gets to z. There's no swear word that starts with z. so she calls on Dirty Johnny who says, "Z. Zoo. Last summer I went to the zoo and saw an elephant that had the biggest fucking cock I have ever seen."

***

Dirty Johnny walks into a bar and says, "Pour me a double Crown Royal with a beer back."

The female bartender says, "Do you want to get me into trouble?"

"Maybe later, but right now I just need a fucking drink."

***

The civics teacher said, "Class, I am going to tell you every attribute you need to have in order to be elected president of the United States."

"Fucking liar," said Dirty Johnny.

"That, ironically, is number one on the list."

***

Dirty Johnny got an electric train for Christmas. He quickly assembled the train and began playing conductor: "All aboard, you assholes. All whores sit on the aisle, that will facilitate all the cock sucking you'll be doing today."

"Johnny," said his mother, rushing in from the kitchen, "you turn that train off and sit in the corner for a half hour. Using language like that!"

A half hour later Johnny switches his train back on and says, "Good day and welcome to DJ railways. I hope you enjoy your journey; if there are any complaints about the delay in service you can talk to the fucking bitch in the kitchen."

***

A behavioral psychologist devised an experiment to test how quickly children can associate color with taste. The experiment consisted of placing a bowl of Life Savers in front of a group of second graders. After a few tries the kids would say: "Red...Cherry. Yellow...Pineapple. Green...Lime, Orange...Orange."

Then he gave them a honey Life Saver, but none of them could identify it. He said, "I'll give you a hint. This flavor is something your mommy calls your daddy."

Dirty Johnny said, "Spit them out! He's feeding us assholes."

***

Dirty Johnny says, "Dad, what's a pussy look like?"

"Before sex, Johnny," says Dad, "the pussy looks like a beautiful fragrant rose."

"What's it look like after sex?"

"Have you ever seen a Char Pei puppy eating mayonnaise?"

***

Dirty Johnny walks into a whorehouse, flashes a stolen credit card and says to the Madame, "You got any sluts in here with gonorrhea?"

"Slimy Suzie. Room six."

Johnny pays and fucks Suzie. She asks him, "Why did you want a hooker with gonorrhea?"

"This means I've got gonorrhea, right?"

"Right."

"Which means when I fuck my sister tonight she'll have gonorrhea?"

"Right."

"And when the gardener fucks her tomorrow he'll get gonorrhea?"

"Right."

"And when mom fucks the gardener she'll get gonorrhea?"

"Right."

"And when dad fucks mom he'll get gonorrhea. That's why I did it."

"Why do you want your father to contract gonorrhea?"

"Because that fucker won't let me have a puppy."

***

"Dirty Johnny," asks his mom, "why is grandma the only person you'll let take you to the bathroom?"

"Her hand shakes."

***

Dirty Johnny walks into the confessional. "Bless me father for I have sinned, it has been three weeks since my last confession, these are my sins. I stole $5 from my mother's purse, I beat up my little sister, and I masturbated 42 times."

"Jesus Christ. Don't you know masturbation causes blindness?"

"I know. I was only going to do it until I needed glasses."

***

"Dirty Johnny," asked the teacher, "how do you turn a normal scientist into a mad scientist?"

"Kick him," said Dirty Johnny, "in the balls."

Dirty Johnny goes into a whorehouse, pays for a girl and goes upstairs. He drops his drawers, displaying an enormous two foot erection. The girl says, "You are not putting that monster in me! But for $5 I'll kiss it."

"Fuck that," said Dirty Johnny. "I can kiss it."

***

Dirty Johnny's teacher said, "Use the word beautiful in a sentence."

Suzie said, "My mom is beautiful."

Tommy said, "My teacher is beautiful."

Johnny said, "My older sister told my dad she was pregnant and he said, "Beautiful. Just fucking beautiful."

***

Dirty Johnny runs into his house while his dad is watching basketball on t.v. He says, "Mom just got hit by a bus."

Dirty Johnny's father says, "I told you not to make me smile when my lips are chapped."

***

Mom catches Dirty Johnny jerking off. She says, "Johnny don't do that. Save it until you're 21."

By the time he was 21 Johnny had 15 jars full.

***

Dirty Johnny's neighbor is remodeling the house and Johnny loves spending time over there, watching the workmen. "Tell me, Johnny," asks his mom, "what did you learn watching the construction workers?"

"If the motherfucking door don't fit you pull the bastard down and shave a cunt hair off each side. Then you hang the cocksucker back up."

"That's terrible language. Go out back and find me a switch."

"Screw you," says Johnny, "that's the electrician's job."

***

Dirty Johnny was listening at his sister's bedroom door while she fucked her new boyfriend. She said, "Oh baby. You're going where no man has gone before."

"Damn," said Dirty Johnny. "He must be fucking her in the ass."

***

Before the teacher entered the classroom Dirty Johnny wrote cock on the chalkboard. The teacher entered the classroom and immediately erased what he had written. The next day, Dirty Johnny wrote cock on the chalkboard. The teacher entered the classroom and erased what he had written. The following day Dirty Johnny wrote cock. The teacher came in and began to erase it when Dirty Johnny said, "It'll just keep getting bigger if you keep rubbing it."

***

A Jehovah's Witness knocks on the door and it's answered by Dirty Johnny. He asks, "Is your daddy home?"

"Yes. But he's out back fucking a goat."

"Doesn't your mother mind?"

Johnny smiles and says, "Naaaaaaaa."

***

Dirty Johnny and his father are in the drugstore and they walk by a display of condoms. "Why do they come in different sized boxes?" asks Dirty Johnny as he holds up a two-pack.

"That's for when you're in high school. One for Friday night one for Saturday night."

Johnny holds up a six-pack, "How about this one?"

"That's for when you're in college; two for Friday night, two for Saturday night, two for Sunday afternoon."

Johnny holds up a 12 pack, "How about this one?"

"That's for when you're married. One for January, one for February, one for March..."

***

Dirty Johnny is sitting on Santa Claus' lap. "What you want for Christmas, little boy?"

"I want a GI Joe and a Barbie."

"But Barbie doesn't come with GI Joe. She comes with Ken."

"You got it wrong fat man. Barbie comes with GI Joe; she fucking fakes it with Ken."

***

Dirty Johnny's class had a substitute teacher who said, "My name is Miss Prussy. It's easy to remember because it's like pussy but with an r."

Johnny raised his hand and said, "May I please be excused to go to the bathroom Miss Crunt?"

***

Dirty Johnny asked his father, "What's a penis?"

Dad unzipped his pants and whipped it out. "Johnny, this is a penis. In fact this is a perfect penis."

"Thanks dad," said Johnny. He ran across the street to Suzie's, whipped it out and said, "This is a penis."

"Really?"

"Yes, and if it was three inches shorter it would be just as perfect as my dad's."

***

When he was seven years old, Dirty Johnny was charged with the rape of a 32 year old woman. His defense attorney said, "In summation, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, you can't believe that such a small, undeveloped boy is sexually mature enough to perpetrate a rape. Johnny, would you please?"

Johnny whipped out his cock. The lawyer walked over, grabbed Johnny's cock and shook it at the jury. "How could this little member be capable of a full erection, let alone a rape?"

"One more shake," said Johnny, "and you lose the case."

***

The teacher asked the class, "What are the three advantages of breast milk?" Dirty Johnny raised his hand and said, "Breast milk helps to develop the child's immune system. It contains the proper nutrients. And it comes in these beautiful fucking containers."

***

The teacher asked her class, if they could use the word contagious in a sentence. Suzie raised her hand and said, "Mumps are contagious."

Dirty Johnny raised his hand and said, "My next-door neighbor's wife was painting the fence and my dad said. It's gonna take that cunt ages to paint that fence."

***

Dirty Johnny gets up in the middle of the night and sneaks down the hall. He peeks into his parents' room while they are having sex and says, "And she yells at me for sucking my thumb."

***

"Dirty Johnny," said his father, "I just don't see why you can't get along in school. When Abraham Lincoln was your age, he walked five miles, each way, to school and still made great grades."

"Yeah," said Dirty Johnny, "and when Abraham Lincoln was your age he was the president of the United States."

***

Dirty Johnny came home from his first day at school. His mother asked, "What did you learn at school today?"

"Apparently not enough," said Johnny. "The fuckers want me to come back tomorrow."

***

"Here's a math problem, Johnny," said the teacher. "If you have $50 in your front pocket, $20 in your back pocket and $25 in your wallet, what would you have?"

"Somebody else's fucking pants on."

***

"Dirty Johnny," said the teacher, "your father's hair would turn gray if he saw the way you've been acting in class today."

"That would make his day," said Johnny.

"Why do you say that?" asked the teacher.

"The fucker is bald."

***

"Who invented fractions?" asked the teacher.

"It was," said Dirty Johnny, "that asshole Henry the 1/8."

***

"Dirty Johnny can you spell wrong for me?"

"F-U-C-K."

"That's wrong."

"Isn't that what you asked me to do?"

***

"Dirty Johnny," asked the teacher, "who is president of the United States?"

"Hell, I don't know."

"When I was your age I could name all the presidents in order."

"That's because when you were my age there had only been three fucking presidents."

***

"This is your third year in fourth grade, Dirty Johnny," said Johnny's father. "How could you have failed that math proficiency test again?"

"Because of absence."

"But you attended school today."

"Yeah, but the smart bitch who sits next to me was absent."

***

Johnny comes home to find the neighbor's pet rabbit in his dog's mouth. The rabbit was dead and Johnny thought his dog would be taken away and put to sleep. So he took the dirty rabbit into the bathroom, shampooed and blow dried it, and returned it to the cage. The next day the neighbor saw Johnny walking his dog and said, "Did I tell you my pet rabbit died?"

"No."

"But the weird thing is that the day after we buried him some psycho dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back in his cage."

"Yeah," said Johnny, "there are some real sick fucks out there."

***

"Dirty Johnny could you tell me where the English Channel is?"

"I don't fucking know, we can't afford cable."

***

Dirty Johnny asked his grandfather, "Grandpa, what's the secret to a long happy marriage?"

"Your grandma and I go out for a romantic dinner every Friday night. That keeps us happy."

"Where do you go?"

"I like Chinese food. I don't know where the fuck she goes."

***

"Dirty Johnny," said the teacher, "why are you eating your history test?"

"Because," said Dirty Johnny, "you said the goddam test was a piece of cake."

***

"What part," asks the teacher, "of the human anatomy gets 12 times bigger when stimulated?"

Sally raises her hand and says, "The penis?"

"You're going to be disappointed Sally," says Dirty Johnny. "The iris gets 12 bigger when stimulated. The cock only triples."

***

"I'm thinking," says the teacher, "of a fruit that's yellow."

"Banana," says Johnny.

"No," says the teacher, "a lemon. But it shows that you're thinking. Now I'm thinking of a green vegetable."

"Zucchini," says Johnny.  
"No," says the teacher, "a pea. But it shows that you're thinking."

"Alright," says Dirty Johnny, "I got something in my pants that's long and hard and has a pink tip."

The teacher says, "Your penis?"

"No, my fucking pencil, but it shows that you're thinking."

***

Dirty Johnny was collecting for his paper route when the widow Mullins answered the door in her bra and panties. She said, "I don't have your $7.50 this month Johnny; but I'll let you fuck me."

"Sure." Johnny pulls down his pants to reveal a cock so big it hung to knee caps.

"Oh my," said the widow Mullins. "This is going to be good."

Johnny fished in his jacket pocket and pulled out several rubber washers, which he slipped over the head of his dick. "Oh," said the widow Mullins. "I can take it all. I really can!"

"Not for $7.50 you can't."

***

The sexual education teacher drew a penis on the blackboard and asked the class, "Does anybody know what this is?"

Dirty Johnny stands up and says, "It's a cock. My dad has two of them."

"Your father has two penises?" asked the teacher.

"Yeah. The little one he pisses out of and the big one he uses to brush the babysitter's teeth."

***

Dirty Johnny walks out of the bathroom and sees his mother making a cake. He says, "May I lick the bowl?"

"Why can't you just fucking flush it like everyone else?"

***

Dirty Johnny pulled down his pants and said to the neighbor girl, "This is a cock and you don't have one."

She lifted up her skirt and said, "Yeah, but I can get all the cocks I want with one of these."

***

Dirty Johnny and his grandfather fell asleep on the couch watching t.v. Grandpa woke Johnny: "Quick, go get your grandma."

"Grandpa," said Johnny, "that's my cock you're holding."

***

The teacher asked Dirty Johnny during the geography lesson, "Johnny, what's wrong? You are unusually quiet."

"I didn't have no breakfast."

"Lunch is in 15 minutes. Now, Johnny, back to geography. Where is the Mexican border?"

"In bed fucking my mother, that's why I didn't get no breakfast."

***

"Hey dad," said Johnny, "can you knock someone up if you buttfuck them?"

"Sure," says his dad, "where do you think lawyers come from?"

***

"Today class," says the teacher, "we're having sex education. How many sexual positions do you think there are?"

Dirty Johnny yells, "Eighteen that I've seen my sister do."

"Eighteen? That's inventive, but we'll start," says the teacher, "with the most basic. It's called 'Missionary' and it's the man on top of the woman."

"Shit," says Johnny. "Make that nineteen."

***

"Johnny," said the teacher, "I want you to use the words Republicans and Democrats in a sentence."

"My cat," said Dirty Johnny, "had a litter of kittens. They were all born Democrats but a week later they were all Republicans."

"But Johnny," said the teacher, "how could that be?"

"The kittens," said Johnny, "finally opened their fucking eyes."

***

Dirty Johnny sat in the doctor's waiting room with a boy his age. Johnny said, "I'm in for a tonsillectomy."

"That's not so bad," said the boy, "I had one last year. Afterwards they give you all the ice cream you can eat."

"What are you in for?"

"Circumcision."

"Holy shit," said Johnny, "when I had mine done I couldn't walk for a fucking year."

***

The teacher says, "Today's math assignment is for you to figure out how many seconds there are in a year." Everybody groans except for Dirty Johnny who immediately raises his hand. "Johnny? You know the answer already?"

"Hell yeah, 12."

"Johnny there 60 seconds in a minute."

"But there are 12 seconds in a year. January second. February second. March second..."

***

Dirty Johnny's dad comes home and Dirty Johnny and his grandmother are having sex on the couch. "Johnny," yells dad, "what the hell are you doing?"

"Hey," said Johnny, "you fuck my mom what's the big deal if I fuck yours?"

***

"Johnny," said the teacher, "what's the difference between realistically and theoretically?"

"Take my home life. I asked my mom and sister if they'd have sex with any man for a $1,000,000. They both said yes. So theoretically I'm living with two millionaires; but realistically I'm living with a couple of high priced whores."

***

"What does your father do for a living, Suzie?"

"He's a doctor."

"What does your father do for a living, Jake?"

"He's an electrician."

"What does your father do for a living, Johnny?"

"He's a janitor at the abortion clinic."  
"He told you that?"

"Yeah, he thinks I'm too young and impressionable to know that he's really a lawyer."

***

"Johnny," said the teacher, "why should you never use a double negative?"

Dirty Johnny replied, "Because all the grammar books say that they are a fucking no-no."

***

"I love you terribly," said Dirty Johnny's girlfriend.

"You sure as shit do," said Johnny.

***

The preacher said to the Sunday school kids, "And of course everyone knows where all the bad children go."

"Yeah," said Dirty Johnny. "Behind the fucking barn."

***

Dirty Johnny walks into the kitchen at 11:00 a.m. "Why are you home so early from school?" asks his mom.

"Because I answered the principal's question correctly."

"Congratulations. What was the question?"

"Who the hell got my daughter pregnant?"

***

A pit bull chased Dirty Johnny up a tree. The owner came by and said, "Sorry kid. I was bringing him to the vet's to have his balls snipped. The operation will calm him down, this will never happen again."

"I have a better idea, asshole," said Johnny. "Why don't you remove his teeth. I could see from a block away he wasn't going to fuck me."

***

"Johnny," asked the teacher, "what's three and two?"

"It's a full count and the batter better watch the pitcher like a fucking hawk."

***

Dirty Johnny's mom said, "Johnny, I just found a condom on the patio."

Johnny says, "What's a patio?"

***

A Jehovah's Witness rings Dirty Johnny's doorbell. Johnny appears smoking a joint, a half-pint of gin in his left hand and a Hustler in the other. "Are your parents home?" asks the Jehovah's Witness.

Johnny drops the Hustler to the floor, puffs on the joint and takes a swallow of gin. He burps and says, "What the fuck do you think?"

***

Suzie said to Dirty Johnny, "I know how babies are made."

"Big fucking deal," said Johnny, "I know how they're not made."

***

Dirty Johnny works in the local grocery store on weekends. A lady was shopping for chickens but couldn't find one large enough. "Excuse me," she says to Dirty Johnny, "do these chickens get any bigger?"

"Lady," he says, "they're fucking dead."

***

After a particularly crude and obscene joke Dirty

Johnny's teacher asks, "Don't you know any clean jokes?"

"Only one," says Johnny.

"Oh, please tell me?"

"Okay, a clean joke. I took a bath with bubbles."

"That's clean, but it's not funny."

Johnny says, "Bubbles is my fucking babysitter."

***

Dirty Johnny set up a stand on the corner. "Hey mister," he said to the first man who passed by, "Want to buy a toothbrush?"

"How much, sonny?"

"Twenty bucks."

"That's ridiculous."

"Want to buy a homemade brownie for a nickel?"

"Sure. Give me two."

The man bites into the brownie and said, "This tastes like shit."

"It is. Want to buy a toothbrush?"

***

"Class," said the teacher, "I want you each to come up to the blackboard and draw something that happened at home this week that caused some excitement."

Suzie draws a dog, "We got a new puppy."

Melvin draws a car, "We got a new car."

Dirty Johnny made two dots, "My older sister has missed two periods and for some reason it's causing a lot of goddam excitement."

***

Dirty Johnny was showing his mother the nine varieties of butterflies he'd just collected. His mother said, "Johnny? Don't you think you should poke some holes in the top of the jar so the butterflies can breath? They'll die if you don't."

"What the fuck," said Johnny. "It's only a hobby."

***

After hearing a sanitized version of the birds and the bees from his father Dirty Johnny said, "Let me get this straight, dad. Before I was born you fucked a stork?"

***

Dirty Johnny wrote on the blackboard: "Dirty Johnny has a huge cock." The young substitute teacher entered and said, "Who wrote that filth?"

"I did," said Johnny. "And I'm Dirty Johnny."

"You have a half-hour detention after school."

"Cool."

Melvin waits for Johnny to get out of detention: a half hour. An hour. Two hours. Finally Johnny emerges from school with a big smile on his face.

"What have you been doing for two hours?"

Johnny says, "Just let me say that it pays to advertise."

***

The male principal of Dirty Johnny's school was lecturing the fifth grade class about morality. "Do not," he concluded, "trade a life of shame for an hour's guilty pleasure. Any questions?"

"Yes," said Dirty Johnny. "I have a question."

"What?"

"How can you keep your cock hard for a whole hour?"

***

Dirty Johnny raised his hand, "Teacher?"

"What?"

"You wouldn't punish me for something I didn't do, would you?"

"Of course not."

"Good. Because I didn't do my fucking science project."

***

Suzie runs up to her mom, "Can I have a baby?"

"Of course not."

Suzie runs down the hall, "You were right Johnny, same game! Same game!"

***

Dirty Johnny was frying ants with a magnifying glass. Ant after ant went up in flames as he chanted, "Goddam pissants. Goddam pissants. Goddam pissants." A nun walked by and said, "Your language is deplorable and you're destroying God's creatures."

"These," said Johnny, "are just useless goddam pissants."

"Nothing that God has created is useless."

"I'll name three."

"Go ahead."

Johnny said, "Tits on a nun; a cock on a priest; and these goddam pissants."

***

"Dirty Johnny," asks the teacher, "can you use the letter I in a sentence?"

He says, "I is—"

The teacher corrects, "I am."

"I," Johnny says, "is the letter after fucking H."

***

"I gotta piss," said young Dirty Johnny in the middle of the grocery store. He was with his mother who said, "I don't want to take you into the lady's room."

A male clerk said, "I'll take him to the men's room for you."

They returned a few minutes later and mom said, "Johnny, did you thank the nice man for taking you?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"Because he had to piss too."

***

The teacher asked, "Dirty Johnny, what's the capital of California?"

"Los Angeles?"

"Do you know how far away you are from the correct answer?"

Johnny glanced to his left and spied Suzie, "I'd say about three fucking seats."

***

Dirty Johnny has the next door neighbor girl on the couch. Johnny is feeling her up and kissing her. Then he says, "God, I'd love to get into your pants."

"Really?"

"Yeah, really. I just came in mine."

***

A cop sees Dirty Johnny standing on the corner smoking. "How old are you?"

"Eight," says Johnny.

"How long have you been smoking?"

"I started right after the first time I had sex."

"When was that?"

"I don't know. I was drunk and can't remember."

***

Dirty Johnny and his mom are walking in the park when Johnny smashes a butterfly with a rock. "That was cruel Johnny. You can't have any butter for a year."

"Whatever." And Johnny promptly stomps on a bee.

"Now you get no honey for a year."

"Whatever, let's go home."

They walk into the kitchen and there is a cockroach on the counter which mom quickly squashes. Johnny says, "Shall I tell dad or will you?"

***

Dirty Johnny comes home after school and momma asks, "How was school today, Johnny?"

"It was great! I got an A in Math; we had chili dogs for lunch; I hit a homerun in PE; and I had sex with my history teacher!"

"You get in there and tell your father exactly what you just told me."

Johnny enters the t.v. room, "Dad?"

"Yeah?"

"Mom says I have to tell you what I did in school today."

"Tell away."

"I got an A in Math; we had chili dogs for lunch; I hit a homerun in PE; and I had sex with my history teacher!"

"How old are you?"

"Nine."

"Sex at nine years old? Damn I'm proud of you. In fact I'm going to buy you a new bicycle."

"Could you please make it a skateboard?" asks Johnny.

"Sure. Why?"

"Because my ass is still sore from having sex with my history teacher."

***

"Johnny," asked the teacher, "give me two definitions of straight?"

"It means that you drink your bourbon without water and fuck women."

***

"Who can tell me," said the teacher, "why medieval times are sometimes called the Dark Ages?"

Dirty Johnny raised his hand and said, "I think it was because they had so many fucking knights."

***

Dirty Johnny was called to the witness stand to testify about a hit-and-run-accident he had seen. The lawyer grilled him: "So you were three blocks away, it was night, and you still saw my client's license plate number. Tell me, just how far can you see at night?"

"I don't know," said Johnny. "How far away is the fucking moon?"

***

A seven year old girl tells her mother, "Dirty Johnny asked me if I wanted to play doctor with him."

Upset, the mother says, "What happened?"

"Not a damn thing. He made me wait an hour and a half and then double billed the insurance company."

***

The teacher asks the class, "There are eight birds on a fence. Farmer Bill shoots three. How many are left?"

Everyone except Dirty Johnny says, "Five."

Johnny says, "None. Even if he didn't kill any they'd all fly away when they heard the gun."

"Mathematically," says the teacher, "you're wrong, but I like the way you think."

"I got one for you, teach. Three women are sitting on a park bench eating lollipops. One is licking it, one's biting it, and one's sucking it. Which one's married?"

"The one sucking it?"

"No. The one with the ring on her finger, but I like the way you think."

***

Suzie and the girls asked Dirty Johnny if he wanted to play house with them. "Sure," he said, "which one of you is gonna be the madam?"

***

Dirty Johnny walks into the t.v. room and says proudly, "Hey Pops, remember when you said you'd give me $20 if I passed math?"

"Yeah."

"Well guess what?"

"What?"

"I just saved you 20 fucking dollars."

***

Dirty Johnny was eating spaghetti with his hands when his dad said, "You are such a pig. Do you know what a pig is, Johnny?"

"I believe," said Johnny, "that it's a goddam hog's son."

***

After his uncle's funeral Dirty Johnny asked, "Mom, do they ever bury two goddam people in the same grave?"

"No. Why?"

"I just saw a tombstone that read: Here lies a lawyer and an honest man."

***

Dirty Johnny says, "Dad, I've got baseball practice, would you do my homework?"

"It wouldn't be right."

"I know, but at least you could fucking try."

***

The teacher asked the class, "Who can tell me where the Declaration of Independence was signed?"

"Any old asshole," said Dirty Johnny "can tell you it was signed on the bottom."

***

Dirty Johnny opened his test. The first question read, "In any given year the United States' main export is what?"

Johnny wrote: "1491. Fucking nothing."

***

Dirty Johnny was looking for the new hobby shop in the mall but he just couldn't find it. He walked up to one of the mall cops and said, "Can you tell me where the hobby shop is at?"

"Don't you know you shouldn't end a sentence with a preposition?"

"Right," says Johnny. "Do you know where the new hobby shop is at, fuckhead?"

***

A firefighter working on the engine outside the station noticed Dirty Johnny pulling a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle of the wagon. Johnny wore a firefighter's helmet and had the wagon tied to a dog and a cat. The firefighter walked over to take a closer look, "Nice firetruck."

"Thanks," said Johnny.

The firefighter looked closer and noticed Johnny had the wagon tied to the dog's collar, but had another rope around the cat's testicles. "I don't wanna tell you how to handle your firetruck," said the firefighter. "But if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar I think you might go faster."

"You're probably right," said Johnny. "But then I wouldn't have a fucking siren."

***

"Johnny?" asks mom, "why are you feeding birdseed to the cat?"

"Because that's where my fucking bird is."

***

The teacher asks Dirty Johnny, "If you had one dollar and your dad gave you one dollar, how many dollars would you have?"

"One."

"Johnny, don't you know what one plus one is?"

"Teacher, don't you know how cheap my fucking father is?"

***

"Mommy," asked Dirty Johnny, "what's an Oedipus complex?"

"Just shut up and keep licking my pussy you little bastard."

***

"Mommy," asked Dirty Johnny, "why can't I play with the other children?"

"Just shut up and deal."

***

Dirty Johnny's mom gave him a box of animal crackers. He read the box, opened it and dumped the contents on the kitchen table. His mom said, "What the hell do you think you're doing?"

Johnny said, "It said on the box, Don't eat if seal is broken. I'm checking to see if somebody broke my fucking seal."

***

"Grandpa," asked Dirty Johnny, "can you imitate a bullfrog?"

"Why?"

"Mom says when you fucking croak were all going to Disneyland."

***

Dirty Johnny asks, "Mom, where do babies come from?"

"From the stork."

"I know that. But who fucks the stork?"

***

The teacher tells her class to go home and interview their parents about a life lesson they've learned. The class returns the next day and Suzie volunteers, "My mom grew up on a farm and her job was to gather eggs. One day she dropped the eggs and started crying, but she didn't get in trouble. So she learned Don't put all your eggs in one basket."

Sally says, "My dad grew up on a farm and once the cow he was milking kicked over the milking pail and he started crying. But then he just went to another cow and got enough milk. He learned Don't cry over spilled milk."

Dirty Johnny says, "My dad was drunk when the Viet Cong attacked Saigon and all by himself he threw grenades and shot .50 caliber machine guns and used a flamethrower and saved the city. He won the Congressional Medal of Honor."

"That's a fine story Johnny. But what life lesson do you learn from it?"

Johnny says, "No one should ever, ever fuck with my dad when he's been drinking."

***

"Mom? Can I have a bike?"

"Johnny, if you don't swear for one week I'll buy you a bike."

"That'd be fucking impossible."

"Why don't you write a note to Jesus and ask for help?"

"Good goddam idea." So Dirty Johnny took the statue of the Virgin Mary, locked it in his closet and wrote: "Dear Jesus, if you ever want to see your mother again..."

***

Last thing on Friday before school lets out, Dirty Johnny's teacher writes a question on the blackboard. If the class can't answer it they get homework; if they can answer they don't. And she always makes the questions tough. As she turned to face the board and write this week's question, Dirty Johnny took out two black marbles and tossed them. They bounced and caromed off the ceiling, blackboard, and desks. The teacher turned around and said: "Alright, who's the comedian with the two black balls?"

"Chris Rock," said Dirty Johnny. "See ya Monday, bitch."

***

Dirty Johnny is home from school at 10:30 a.m. His mother asks, "Why are you home so early?"

"I got suspended again."

"Suspended? Today was a field trip to the zoo. How could you possibly get suspended?"

"I got suspended for feeding the flamingo."

"Again, how could get suspended for feeding the flamingo?"

"I was feeding him to a fucking lion."

***

"Dad," asked young Dirty Johnny, "how are babies made?"

"A stork brings them."

"So a stork brought me?"

"Yes."

"What about you?"

"Me too."

"What about grandpa?"

"Grandpa too."

"You mean to tell me that's it's been three generations since someone in this family got laid?"

***

The teacher said, "Class, I want you to stand up one-by-one and tell everyone what your best talent is. Bob stood and said, "My jumpshot."

Suzie said, "I get along with everybody."

Dirty Johnny said, "My childhood memories."

"Why is that, Johnny?" asked the teacher.

"I actually remember going to an orgy with my goddam father and coming home with my fucking mother."

***

A math teacher asked Dirty Johnny, "If I gave you $200 and you gave $50 each to Suzie, Sally, and Mary what would you have?"

Dirty Johnny replied: "An orgy."

***

Dirty Johnny walked up to his father and said, "You look real tired today."

"Yeah. Last night I dreamed I had a fucking job."

***

Dirty Johnny's mom, tired of his preoccupation with breasts, takes him to a psychiatrist who guarantees results after one session. On the way to the doctor's office Johnny kept pointing and saying, "Check out those titties! What a fucking rack! I'd love to bury my face in those!"

Following an intensive three hour session they pass the high school on the way home. Perky pubescent girls are everywhere, but not a peep out of Johnny about breasts. They stop at the store and Johnny isn't ogling the cover of Cosmopolitan. They pull up in front of their house. The mailman is walking by and drops a letter. He bends over to pick it up and Johnny says, "Check out the righteous ass on that mailman."

***

On the first day of school the teacher had the children stand and spell their names. Pam stood and spelled: "P-a-m N-o-r-t-h."

Bob stood and spelled: "B-o-b L-e-e."

Dirty Johnny stood and spelled: "J-o-h-n-n-y."

The teacher said, "Johnny, I need your whole name."

Johnny spelled: "R-e-c-t-u-m."

***

The teacher said, "I want you to think of a three syllable word and then use it in a sentence. Leroy stood and said, "Beautiful. It is a beautiful day outside."

Sam stood and said, "Wonderful. Disneyland is wonderful."

Dirty Johnny said, "Urinate. Teacher you're-an-eight. But if your tits were bigger you'd be a ten."

***

Dirty Johnny bursts into the kitchen and says, "Mom, I nearly got a 100 on my math test."

"You got a 99?"

"No. I got two fucking zeroes."

***

The teacher tried a little taste test with her class. She picked Suzie, blindfolded her and put a Hershey kiss in her mouth. She asked, "Do you know what it is?"

"No," said Suzie. "I really don't know what it is."

"Okay, I'll give you a little hint. It's the thing your Daddy wants from your mommy before he goes to work."

And then Dirty Johnny in the back of the classroom yelled out, "Spit it out. It's a blowjob."

***

"Lois," said the teacher, "walk to the map and find Hawaii." She did and the teacher asked, "Class, who discovered Hawaii?"

Dirty Johnny said, "As far as I can tell it was some little bitch named Lois."

***

Dirty Johnny didn't utter a word until he was three. His parents took him to specialists, all of whom could find nothing wrong. Then one day, his mom made him some iced tea, but put in salt instead of sugar. Johnny spit it out and said, "What's wrong with the tea?"

"Johnny! You can speak!"

"Of course I can speak."

"Why did you wait until now?"

"Up until now everything's been pretty fucking good."

***

Dirty Johnny and his friend Melvin are reading magazines. Johnny's grandma enters the room and says, "What nice little boys, reading quietly. Melvin, what are going to be when you grow up?"

Melvin held up his copy of Sky and Telescope: "I'm going to be an astronaut."

"Commendable. Johnny what are you going to be when you grow up?"

Johnny held up his copy of Playboy: "I'm just gonna be grown up."

***

Dirty Johnny and Melvin were arguing:

"My dad's better than your dad," said Melvin.

"No he's not."

"My brother's better than your brother."

"No he's not."

"My sister's better than your sister."

Johnny hesitated, then said, "You got me there, Melvin."

***

Dirty Johnny gets lost in the woods. It's getting cold and dark. He kneels down and extends his hands in prayer, "Jesus, help me out of here and I'll stop swearing." Just then a bird flew over and crapped on his head. "Please Lord, don't hand me that shit, I'm really fucking lost."

***

Dirty Johnny had a big time crush on the young substitute teacher. He followed her around all week, stayed in at recess and helped her clean the blackboards after school. One day she said, "Johnny, I can tell by the way you look at me that you have a schoolboy crush on me. But I don't want a child."

"Fine," Johnny said, "I'll wear a rubber."

***

Dirty Johnny is walking home with Wendy. She says, "Johnny, you're the first boy I've ever loved."

"Dammit," says Johnny, "another fucking rookie."

***

Dirty Johnny says, "Hey mom, how do lions fuck?"

"I really don't know," says mom. "All your father's friends are either Elk or Moose."

***

Dirty Johnny exited the video arcade and bumped into the vice-principal on Wednesday at 10 a.m. "Johnny," he said, "aren't you missing school?"

"Hell no," said Johnny, "I've been playing these kickass video games all morning."

***

Dirty Johnny is downtown smoking a cigarette. A lady, shocked, says, "Shouldn't you be in school?"

"Lady," he says, "I'm four fucking years old."

***

A cop sees two men fighting while Dirty Johnny stands nearby screaming, "Daddy, daddy, daddy!"

The cop breaks up the fight and says to Johnny, "Which one of these bums is your father?"

"I really don't know. That's what they were fighting about."

***

Dirty Johnny and Melvin had to eat lunch with the vice-principal because they were always causing trouble. Melvin winked at Johnny and said, "Hey Johnny, my parents never bothered getting married, did yours?"

"I don't even know who my fucking father is."

"Knock off the swearing," said the vice-principle, "and pass the salt you little bastards."

***

#  DOCTORS AND LAWYERS...

How does a lawyer say "Fuck you"?

"Trust me."

***

What's worse than having your doctor tell you that you have gonorrhea?

Having your dentist tell you.

***

The doctor said, "I want you to strip, walk to the open window, then wave your cock-and-balls around."

"Do they need air?"

"No. I just hate that fucking lawyer across the breezeway."

***

Why do surgeons wear masks during operations?

So if they fuck up no one can ID them.

***

Why are lawyers buried 30 feet under the ground?

Because down deep they're probably alright.

***

"You need to eat a high fiber diet," the doctor told the heart patient, "quit smoking, and get some exercise."

"What about sex?"

"Just with your wife. We don't want you getting too excited."

***

What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?

A vulture can't remove his wingtips.

***

A man arrives at the emergency room; the doctor approaches him and says, "Your wife's been in a terrible car accident, she's a paraplegic and brain-dead. You'll have to spend the rest of your life caring for her."

"But doc, I'm only 25 years old. She might live another 60 years; I can't spend the rest of my life taking care of an invalid."

"You won't have to," says the doctor. "I was just fucking with you. She's dead."

***

Two lawyers hire a stunning new secretary and a contest begins between them to bed her. They both end up sleeping with her the day of the Christmas party and meet afterwards for drinks and bragging rights. "So what do you think about her cocksucking?" asks the first partner.

"My wife is better."

"You're right."

***

How do you save a lawyer from drowning?

Take your foot off his head.

***

A couple visit a sex therapist who asks the wife, "What do you think is the biggest problem with your sex life?"

"My husband suffers from premature ejaculation."

"Is this true?" the therapist asks the husband.

"I don't actually suffer," he replies. "She does."

***

A man who has been audited by the IRS asked his Rabbi what he should wear to the audit. "Your shabbiest clothes," replied the Rabbi. "Show them that you are destitute."

He asked his wife the same question. She replied, "Wear a three-piece suit to show them that you are a professional."

He went to his lawyer who said, "Let me tell you a story. A bride on her wedding night asked her mother what she should wear to bed. Her mother replied, 'A flannel nightgown buttoned up to your neck and down to your toes.' Then she asked her best friend the same question. The friend replied, 'The sexiest negligee you can find.' Does that make sense?"

"No. What does it have to do with the Internal Revenue Service?"

"No matter what you wear," said the lawyer, "you're going to get fucked."

When a lawyer asked the woman why she was divorcing her husband. She said, "Hobosexuality."

"Don't you mean homosexuality?"

"No, hobosexuality. He's a bum fuck."

***

"Is this Thomas Knopf?" asked the voice on the phone.

"Yes it is. May I help you?"

"Yes. My wife got this crazy notion she could make a living as a prostitute and she started turning tricks."

"This is Thomas Knopf with one f. I'm a financial planner. You want Dr. Thomas Knopff with two F's. He's a psychiatrist and right below me in the phone book."

"No, it's you that I want. I need you to help me invest all the money my wife's making."

***

A lawyer said to his client on death row, "I've got good news and bad news."

"What's the bad news?"

"You're going to the electric chair tomorrow."

"What's the good news?"

"I got the voltage reduced."

A man has his wisdom teeth pulled and his wife visits right after the operation. She walks into the hospital room and he says, "Honey, yer beautiful." She kisses him gently on the cheek and leaves. An hour later, she reenters and he says, "Honey, you look like shit today."

"What happened to Honey, yer beautiful?"

"I guess the drugs are wearing off."

***

"Doc," she said, "I feel like I'm a pair of curtains."

"In that case," he said, "just try to pull yourself together."

***

A lawyer, riding in the back of a stretch limousine, saw two men eating grass by the side of the road. He ordered his driver to stop. The lawyer got out and asked, "Why are we are you eating grass?"

"We ain't got no money for food."

"You can come with me to my house for something to eat," said the lawyer.

"But I got me a wife and three kids."

"Bring them along," said the lawyer.

"But what about my friend?"

"He can come with us too," said the lawyer.

"But he's got a wife and six kids."

"Bring them all. I'll send my limo to pick you up."

"That's very kind of you. Thanks."

"Glad to do it. You're gonna love my place. The fucking grass is about a foot tall."

***

A man woke up one morning with a tremendous case of gas. He bent over the bathroom sink, and farted: Honda Honda Honda Honda.

He immediately drove to the clinic and the nurse asked, "How can I help you?"

"Check this out." He bent over the examining table, and farted: Honda Honda Honda Honda.

"You need to see a dentist," said the nurse.

"A dentist? What about an internist?"

"No. You have to see a dentist because everybody knows that Abscess Makes the Farts Go Honda."

***

A gay guy walks into a dentist's office and whips out his bloody and mangled dick. The dentist says, "You need medical attention, but I'm a dentist."

"Trust me," he says, "there's a tooth in there somewhere."

A woman visits the gynecologist and says, "My piss is coming out in four streams."

He props her up in the stirrups and goes down for a peek. He starts laughing uncontrollably. She says, "This isn't funny. This is a serious gynecological condition."

"Serious? I don't think so. Just give me a minute or two to fish that button out."

***

A 90 year old man goes to the doctor who examines him and says, "you've got AIDS and Alzheimer's disease."

"Thank God I don't have AIDS."

***

Mrs. Thurman visited the doctor to have him treat the bruises and contusions on her knees. The doctor asked, "How did you get beat up like that?"

"It's from fucking doggy style in the backyard."

"Don't you know any other sexual positions?"

"I do," she said. "But my German Shepard doesn't."

***

Why do doctors slap newborn babies?

To knock the cocks off the stupid ones

***

Gene Simmons walks into a doctor's office and sticks out his tongue. All three nurses go, "Ahhh..."

***

What's the difference between a dentist and a gynecologist?

The teeth.

***

What did the Jewish doctor tell the Iranian who overdosed on sleeping pills?

"Have a few drinks and get some rest."

***

Did you hear about the lawyer who opened a sushi bar?

It's called So Sumi.

***

Why do women prefer older gynecologists?

Their hands shake.

***

"Doc," said the man, "I think I'm King Midas."

"It's probably," he said, "just a gilt complex."

***

A lady returns to the dentist because she's having trouble with her upper plate. He asks, "Have you changed your eating habits at all?"

"I am eating a lot more hollandaise sauce."

"Hmmm. There's a lot of lemon in hollandaise, which corrodes plastic, so I'm going to put in a chrome plate."

"Why chrome?"

"Because there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise."

***

An old man goes to the doctor who says, "I need a stool sample, a blood sample, a urine sample, and a semen sample."

"I'm in a bit of a hurry," says the old man. "Can I just leave you my boxer shorts?"

What's the similarity between a lawyer and a bad trombone player?

Everyone is relieved when they finally close the case.

***

Two psychiatrists run into each other on the street, one says, "You're fine. How am I doing?"

***

A motorcyclist was hit by a truck and they had to amputate both legs. When he awoke from anesthesia the doctor said: "I've got good news and bad news."

"What's the bad news?"

"I've amputated both your legs and you'll never walk again."

"What's the good news?"

"We wear the same shoe size and I'll give you $40 for your boots."

***

Making his rounds in the maternity ward an obstetrician notices an unusually small child. He asks the nurse, "Premature?"

"No, test tube."

"Just goes to show," he says, "spare the rod, spoil the child."

***

A lawyer comes home and finds his partner in bed with his wife. "You asshole," he screams, "I have to, but you?"

***

An oil tycoon says to his lawyer, "Not only do I want a divorce, I'm suing that bitch for breach of contract."

"You don't own her. You can divorce her, but you can't sue her for breach of contract."

"I'm not her owner, but when I married her I expected exclusive drilling rights."

***

What did the honest attorney have written on his stationery?

Frank Wright, esq. A Man Who Helps You Get What's Coming to Me.

***

"Doc," said the patient, "I feel like I'm a billy goat."

"How long have you felt this way?"

"Ever since I was a kid."

***

The man went in for an eye test: "Read the bottom line, please."

"I can't."

"Try the next one up."

"I can't"

"Try the next one up."

"I can't"

The doctor whips out his dick and waves it in his face, "What do you see now?"

"A penis."

"Just as I suspected. You're cockeyed."

***

What's the worst thing about a transplanted lung?

Coughing up someone else's phlegm.

***

What's the toughest part about a colostomy?

Finding shoes to match the bag.

***

Why don't lawyers get hemorrhoids?

Because they're perfect assholes.

***

How can a pregnant woman tell if she's carrying a lawyer?

The constant cravings for bologna and burps that taste like bullshit.

***

A businessman calls up his lawyer and says to the secretary, "May I speak to Rusty Rodriguez? He's my lawyer."

"Oh I'm sorry, Rusty died this morning."

"Thanks."

Two minutes later he calls back and says, "May I please speak to Rusty Rodriguez? He's my lawyer."

"I just told you that he was dead," says the secretary.

"Oh, sorry."

Two minutes later, he calls back again and says, "May I please speak to Rusty Rodriguez? He's my lawyer."

"This is the third time you've called in the last ten minutes and I told you each time that Rusty is dead! Why do you keep calling?"

"I just love hearing you say it."

***

Defending his client the lawyer pontificated, "Due to the circumstantial nature of the evidence and the police's illegal search and seizure procedures, I press the court to dismiss the charges against my client."

The judge banged his gavel, "I concur. Case dismissed!"

The defendant raised his hand and said, "Does this mean I have to give all the jewelry back?"

***

The judge said to the defendant, "There are five eyewitnesses that saw you run off with that computer monitor. And yet you claim it was a case of mistaken identity?"

"Damn right, Your Honor. I thought the fucking thing was a television."

***

What does alimony stand for?

Alimony is a contraction. It's short for All My Money.

***

A divorce lawyer said to his wife after a hard day at work, "I've come to the simple conclusion that common sense can prevent most divorces."

"Yes. And most marriages."

***

Dr. Jones, fed up with non-payment, phoned Mr. Fuller at the retirement community and said, "That fucking check you wrote me came back."

"Then we're even, doctor. So did my fucking arthritis."

***

"Doctor, I have been feeling that people don't like me and that they're out to get me. Do I have an inferiority complex, a rejection complex, or both?"

"I've spent six years in therapy with you and have come to the conclusion that, simply, you have a shitty fucking personality."

***

"Doctor, even though I've been diagnosed as having a split personality. I've decided to go ahead and get married."

"Who are you going to marry?"

"The O'Connell twins."

***

Did you hear what happened to the lady who entered therapy in order to cure her suicidal tendencies?

The doctor made her pay in advance.

***

"Doctor, all I ever dream about is wigwams and teepees, wigwams and teepees, wigwams and teepees, wigwams and teepees: what's that mean?"

"It means you're too tense."

***

"Doc," said Bob. "I had a terrible dream last night; the worst dream of my life. I dreamed I was with 15 of the most gorgeous strippers in the world. Blondes, redheads, brunettes: all dancing in a row, ripping off pieces of their scanty clothing."

"You know, Bob," said the doctor, "that doesn't sound all bad to me."

"But doctor, I was the fourth girl from the right."

***

A lawyer is walking down the street and he steps into some dogshit. He looks down and says, "Didn't I go to law school with you?"

***

"What a day," said the gynecologist as he finished seeing his 37th patient of the day.

"You must be tired," said his receptionist.

"No, just a little bushed."

***

A man said to his analyst, "I'm a deck of cards."

"Wait outside," said the analyst, "I'll deal with you later."

***

An air traffic controller had problems sleeping and was always late for work. He got some sleeping pills from his doctor and had a solid uninterrupted, exceedingly restful snooze. He arrived at work and said to his boss, "Those pills I got are great. I slept like a baby and I'm half-an-hour early."

"Yeah," said his boss, "but where were you yesterday?"

***

"I've got good news and bad news," said the doctor.

"What's the good news?"

"Your cock is engorged, and it's only going to get bigger."

"What's the bad news?"

"It's also malignant."

***

A heart surgeon and a HMO manager were at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter asked, "What did you do on earth?"

The surgeon answered, "I healed people."

"You may enter."

"Thank you."

"What did you do on earth?"

"I helped maintain cost-effective health care."

"You may enter."

"Thank you."

"But you can only stay overnight."

***

"Good news and bad news on the blood test results," said the lawyer to his client.

"What's the bad news?"

"The blood on the murder weapon matches your DNA exactly."

"What's the good news?"

"Your cholesterol's down to 130."

***

A lawyer goes to Dr. Mackey for a second opinion. After a thorough examination the doctor determines that the lawyer has terminal cancer. There's no treatment available and he's going to die a slow and painful death. The doctor sits the lawyer down and tells him the terrible news. Later that evening at home, Dr. Mackey receives a phone call from the primary care physician, "Why'd you tell him he was dying, asshole?"

"He has every ethical and legal right to know," says Dr. Mackey.

"I know that. But I wanted to tell him."

***

A teenager goes in for her first gynecological examination. While propped up in the stirrups she asks, "Will this hurt?"

"Not if I numb it first."

"Okay. Why don't you numb it."

The doctor ducks down between her thighs and starts licking, "Num, num, num, num, num."

***

The psychiatrist told the members of his weekly group: "You all have obsessions that I can readily identify. To the red haired lady he said, "Your obsession is eating." To the brunette lady: "Your obsession is money." To the blonde lady: "Your obsession is oral sex."

The three said in unison, "You're right, but how did you know? You just met us."

He held up the questionnaire they'd just filled out. "By what you've named your children, "Apple, Penny, and BJ."

***

How many lawyers does it take to roof a three-bedroom house?

About 12, if you slice them thin enough.

Why are pediatricians always pissed off?

They all have very little patients.

***

What's the difference between a female lawyer and a barracuda?

The lipstick.

***

A man goes in for a tonsillectomy and mistakenly gets a sex change. "I'm suing," he screams. "I can't believe I'll never experience another erection."

"Oh sure you will," said the doctor. "It will just be someone else's."

***

What's the difference between a lawyer and a drycleaner?

One cleans and presses for the client; the other presses and cleans the client.

***

Why did the doctor refuse to have his case of hemorrhoids treated?

Because the pain gave him a genuine look of concern while examining patients.

***

A man goes to the doctor to have his tennis elbow treated. Expecting a quick diagnosis and a prescription for some anti-inflammatory drugs, he was shocked when the doctor told him he needed to provide a urine sample. "Why a urine sample? It's my freaking elbow."

"It's a state of the art diagnostic technique. Cutting edge technology. It will detect any abnormality anywhere in your body."

"But I can't pee now. I just went."

"Bring the cup home and bring in a sample tomorrow."

Pissed at all the inconvenience he gives the cup to his daughter to pee in, adds some motor oil from the lawnmower, and jacks off into the cup. The next day he returns to the doctor with the sample. The doctor pours it into his state-of-the-art-machine and immediately a paper pops out. He reads: "The diagnosis. Your 15 year old daughter is pregnant. You need to change the oil in your lawnmower. And your tennis elbow won't get better until you stop masturbating."

***

Why aren't gynecologists good conversationalists?

They are used to giving lip service.

***

What's the difference between a lawyer and a pothole?

You swerve to avoid the pothole.

***

An 87 year old guy is marrying a 39 year old who wants kids. She insists that he checks his sperm count. Down to the fertility clinic he goes. He's given a Playboy and a cup and sent to the examining room closest to the nurses' station. The nurses hear, "Argggg. OOOOO. Uhhhh." It just gets louder. "Argggg. OOOOO. Uhhhh." And louder. "Argggg. OOOOO. Uhhhh."

He finally emerges and says to the nurse, "Pardon, but could you help me get the lid off this jar?"

***

"Doctor," said the patient. "You have to help me. I feel like nobody ever listens to me."

The psychologist looked at him and said, "Next."

***

Robert walked in for his weekly consultation with his psychiatrist carrying a large, pink hat box. The doctor said, "Robert, you know, it's essential to your therapy that there are no secrets between us. You must show me what's in the box."

Robert opened the box and displayed a severed human head wearing a brown beret festooned with dried flowers.

"Jesus Christ Almighty that's hideous!"

"That's what I told my wife when she bought it."

***

"Why," he asked the lawyer, "do you call this a Green Bay Packer Will?"

"Until you kick off," he said, "nobody receives."

***

How many lawyer jokes are there?

Three. The rest are true stories.

***

How'd the blind gynecologist earn a living?

Reading lips.

***

If a lawyer and an IRS agent are both drowning and you could save only one of them would you go to lunch or read the newspaper?

***

What did the lawyer name his daughter?

Sue.

***

What you call a lawyer gone bad?

Senator.

***

What you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?

Your Honor.

***

What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?

His partners.

***

A drunk thought he had walked into a whorehouse, but it was a podiatrist's office. The receptionist said, "First door on the left. Place the extremity that's troubling you on the table."

He enters the room, whips out his cock and lays it on the table. A nurse walks in and said, "That's not a foot."

"Since when," said the drunk, "is there a fucking minimum?"

***

How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?

His lips are moving.

***

A beautiful young nurse walked down the hospital corridor with a tit hanging out. A doctor said, "Nurse? Why are you exposing yourself?"

She said, "It's these fucking interns. They never put anything back when they're done with it."

***

The doctor prescribed hormonal therapy to counter Mrs. Fletcher's diminishing sexuality. She called a week later and said: "Something's wrong, I've sprouted hair on my chest."

"How far down does it go?"

"All the way to my balls."

***

Following the blood test for their marriage license the doctor told the couple, "I've got good news and bad news."

He said, "What's the good news?"

"Your fiancée has syphilis."

He said, "What's the bad news?"

"She didn't get it from you."

***

Mr. Smith in consecutive months had a vasectomy, an appendectomy, a liver biopsy, and a tonsillectomy. "I forbid you," said Mrs. Smith, "from ever seeing a doctor again."

"Why?" said Mr. Smith.

"I'm tired of other people opening my male."

***

A 12 year old girl is examined by the doctor. "Maam," he says to the mother, "your daughter has gonorrhea."

"Could she have caught it in a public restroom?"

"Possibly, but speaking from experience, catching it in a public restroom is awkward and cramped."

***

A snotty rich Republican lady visits the doctor, and says, "I'm a blue blood and I've always gotten anything I've ever wanted. But I've never felt what it's like to be pregnant. I want you to perform some operation that will allow me to experience what it's like to be pregnant."

"It'll take some anesthesia and about 15 minutes in the operating room."

"Thank you doctor."

She comes to about three hours later, and says, "My dear God. I feel pregnant already. What did you do?"

"I stitched your asshole shut, lady."

***

Oprah Winfrey has a sore throat that just won't respond to any home remedy so she goes to the doctor. She explains her condition and the doctor says, "Take off your pants, lie down on the examining table and spread your big ole thighs as wide open as you possibly can."

"But doctor, I have a sore throat."

"I'll get to that. It's just that I'm painting my house brown with pink shutters and I wanna see what it looks like."

***

A lonely attorney visits an overweight psychiatrist. The psychiatrist asks, "How may I help you?"

"I don't have any friends or acquaintances. The only people who talk to me are my clients. I just can't connect on a human level. Is there any way you can help me you big fat fucking slob?"

***

"You're cured," said the psychiatrist. No more delusions of grandeur."

"Fuck!" said the patient.

"What's wrong. We've spent three years getting you right. You're cured."

"Yeah, but for the last three years I was Tarzan; now I'm a nobody."

***

"Doctor," said the Baptist Minister, "you have to help me with my snoring."

"Does it keep your wife awake?"

"It keeps the entire church awake."

***

"Gentlemen of the jury," said the lawyer, "I ask you; are you going to banish this beautiful, young, sexually active woman to a dank prison cell or will you allow her to return to her apartment at 543 Broadway to sit anticipating calls from future lovers on her phone, 898-0734?"

***

"I can't find any cause for your symptoms," said the doctor, "but I think it's due to alcohol."

"Well," said the patient, "I'll just have to come back when you're sober."

***

What do you call a gynecologist at a retirement community?

A spreader of old wives' tails.

***

What's the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist?

One researches your family tree. The other just checks out your bush.

***

"Every member of my family follows the medical profession," said Hal.

"Internists? Surgeons?" asked Dave.

"No. Undertakers."

***

A man standing in line at the theater is suddenly being massaged by the man in back of him. He says, "Get your hands off me."

"I'm sorry, but I'm a massage therapist and you looked tense. Professional reaction."

"Horseshit on that. I'm a lawyer. Do you see me fucking the person in front of me?"

***

"Doctor, my daughter thinks she's a chicken."

"How long has she suffered from this delusion?"

"Four years."

"Why didn't you bring her in sooner?"

"We needed the eggs."

***

A woman moaned to her psychiatrist, "Doc my husband thinks he's a refrigerator."

"Does that bother you?"

"Yes. When he sleeps with his mouth open the light keeps me awake."

***

A couple is having trouble conceiving so the man goes in to have his sperm count examined. The nurse at the clinic hands him a Playboy and a cup and says, "Follow me."

As they are walking down the hall he sees a man, naked, lying on an examining table with a gorgeous red-haired nurse, stripped naked to the waist, sucking his cock. He asks the nurse, "What's he in for?"

"Same problem as you," she says. "Better HMO."

***

Why'd the proctologist use two fingers?

So he could give his patients a second opinion.

***

Why don't sharks eat lawyers?

Professional courtesy.

***

A man walks into the OB-GYN's office and says, "I need some birth control pills."

"You," says the doctor, "are a man."

"They're not for me, they're for my nine year old daughter."

"You have a nine year old daughter that's sexually active?"

"I wouldn't actually say active; she just lays there like her mother."

***

"I don't make house calls," said the doctor, "and referring to my charts I can assure you that your wife isn't sick. She's a hypochondriac; she just thinks she's sick."

A week later the man calls again and the doctor says, "Does your wife still think she's sick?"

"Worse. She thinks she's dead."

***

An obese woman visits the doctor and says, "My husband has no interest in sex."

"It could be your physical appearance. Why don't you diet?"

"What color?"

***

The doctor enters the examining room and says, "I have wonderful news for you, Mrs. Smith."

"It's Ms. Smith. I'm not married."

"I have terrible news for you Ms. Smith."

***

Mother Theresa dies and goes to heaven. She's shown to her comfortable little condo and given a Geo to drive. Then she sees a man drive by in a Rolls Royce. "St. Peter?" says Mother Theresa. "What did that man do on earth to deserve a Rolls Royce when I have a Geo?"

"He was a lawyer."

"But I dedicated my life to the service of the Lord."

"Exactly. We have plenty of saints up here but he's the only lawyer."

***

Why don't hookers go to psychiatrists?

They don't like lying down for a guy and getting charged.

***

An attorney had a consultation with a blind man. When the blind man paid the $100 consultation fee two $100 bills were stuck together. The lawyer immediately faced a moral dilemma: Should he tell his partner?

***

The nurse ushered Mr. Smith to the examining room and told him that the doctor was going to examine his sex organs; so he should get ready. She left the room. When the doctor came in five minutes later Mr. Smith sat, fully clothed, on the examining table with his tongue sticking out and both middle fingers extended.

***

What's the difference between a proud rooster and an attorney?

The rooster clucks defiance.

***

How do you know when your proctologist is a sadist?

He keeps his thermometer in the freezer.

***

Examining the teenaged girl's bronchial condition the doctor placed his stethoscope above her heart and said, "Big breathes."

She said, "Yeth, and I'm juth thirteen."

***

"Bill," says the doctor, "you've got AIDS. I know you're married, but I need you to list all your sexual partners."

"That's easy. I only sleep with my wife, but she's had an affair with our next door neighbor."

"Which side, Wilson or Johnson?"

"Johnson."

"Shit."

"What's wrong?"

"Then I got it too."

***

A hooker, fearing she might be a hemophiliac, went to see her doctor. "The smallest little nick," she told him, "and I bleed for days."

"How much," he asked, "do you lose during your period?"

"About $2000."

***

What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?

One is a shit-eating, bottom-feeding, scum-sucker and the other lives in a pond.

***

The doctor told the 15 year old girl to remove all her clothes. "I've never undressed in front of a man before, could you turn off the lights?"

"Sure."

"Okay," she said. "Where should I put my clothes?"

"On the chair, right on top of mine."

***

A psychiatrist was performing a Rorschach inkblot exam on a young man. "What's this appear to be?"

"A gang bang. Five on one."

"What's this appear to be?"

"Two teenaged girls going at it with tongues and dildoes."

"What's this appear to be?"

"A dominatrix during a bondage session."

"Does everything remind you of sex?"

"You're the one showing me the dirty pictures."

***

What's the difference between God and a doctor?

God never wanted to be a doctor.

***

An old man staggers into the doctor's office, "Doctor you must do something to lower my sex drive."

"You're hallucinating," says the doctor. "You're 104 years old. Your sex drive is all in your head."

"That's exactly my point." The old man pointed to his crotch, "You gotta lower it little."

***

A man wakes up and his wife says, "Jesus Christ, Roger! You look terrible I'm taking you to the hospital."

"But I feel fucking fantastic. I'm going to work."

He walks into his office and his secretary gasps, "Roger? Are you okay? You look terrible. You must see a doctor."

"But I feel fucking fantastic. I'm going to work."

An hour later his boss sees him and says, "You look terrible. I'm taking you to the hospital."

"But I feel fucking fantastic."

"I insist. Get in my car."

So they drive to the hospital. As soon as they enter the building Roger is mobbed by attendants, strapped to a gurney and whisked away to the emergency room. The ER doctor takes one look at him and says, "You look terrible."

"But I feel fucking fantastic."

"I need," says the doctor, "to look this up." He opens a thick medical book and, thumbing through the pages says, "Looks terrible: feels fantastic. Looks terrible: feels fantastic. Looks terrible: feels fantastic. Aha! Here it is. Sir, you are a vagina."

***

Did you hear about the lawyer from San Francisco?

He got his client's sodomy charge reduced to tailgating.

***

Two men in an airport were at adjacent urinals. One man says, "I'll bet that you're from Petaluma, California."

"You're right. How did you know?"

"Because old doctor FitzPatrick was the only obstetrician in town for so many years and he always cut to the left."

"So?"

"You're pissing on my shoe."

***

As a cure for impotence Jake's doctor suggested that he should walk six miles a day. This would stimulate circulation and cure his problem without resorting to drugs. After a week the doctor called Jake's cell phone, "Have you been walking?"

"Yes. Six miles, every day."

"How's your sex life?"

"How the hell should I know? I'm 42 miles away from home."

***

An old man goes to his doctor and says, "I hate to admit it but I think I'm going senile."

"What makes you think that?" says the doctor.

"The last couple times I've gone to the bathroom I've forgotten to zip up."

"That's not senile. Senile is when you forget to zip down."

***

A doctor, a physicist, and a politician were arguing about whose profession was oldest. "Mine," said the doctor. "When Eve was created from Adam's rib, that was a medical procedure."

"Before that," said the physicist, "order had to come out of chaos."

"But before that," said the politician, "someone had to create the chaos."

***

"Maam," said the judge, "I'm awarding you $1200 a month in alimony."

Her soon-to-be-ex said, "Thanks Judge. I'll try and kick in a few bucks every few months myself."

***

A weeping 12 year old girl comes running out of the doctor's examining room and into her mother's arms. "What's wrong, honey?"

"The doctor says I'm pregnant with twins. I can't be."

"Doctor," says the mom, "how could you tell her something like that?"

"Hey," he says, "it cured her hiccups."

***

A lawyer opened the door of his new Audi A8 and a passing pickup truck took the door off at the hinges. The lawyer stood and screamed, "My car! Look what you did to my car you fucking idiot!"

"Your car?" said a pedestrian by-stander. "You're so materialistic you didn't notice he took your left arm off the elbow."

The lawyer inspected the personal damage and said, "My Rolex, you fucking idiot. Look what you did to my Rolex!"

***

A man purchased a small brass rat from an oriental curio shop in San Francisco. After leaving the shop he was swarmed upon by thousands of rats. Freaking out, he ran down to Fisherman's Wharf and threw the brass idol into the bay. All the rats dove in after it. Then he sprinted back up the hill to the curio shop and asked the owner, "Do you have any brass lawyers?"

***

"Are you an honest lawyer?" asked the lady seeking representation.

"My brother," said the lawyer, "loaned me $30,000 to get through law school and I paid him back right after my first case."

"Really? What was your first case?"

"My brother sued me for $30,000."

***

While performing a vasectomy a doctor slips and cut the patient's scrotal sack open, spilling the balls onto the floor. He sends his nurse out to find replacement gonads. She goes to the bar next door and returns with two olives. "Perfect," says the doctor who sews them in. Two weeks later the man is back for a check-up. The doctor asks the man, "How's the plumbing?"

"Fine, except for one little problem."

"What's that?"

"Every time I order a martini I get a hard-on."

***

"A lonely bachelor wants a pet for companionship so he goes to the pet store. 'You're in luck,' says the pet store owner. 'I have a talking frog that would make a wonderful companion.'

'A talking frog?'

'One of a kind.'

'I'll take it.'

He takes the frog home and makes himself a martini. 'I like martinis,' says the frog.

He makes the frog a martini and says, 'What else do you like?'

'Opera. Current events. Playing chess.'

'Me too. Hop up here unto my lap and have another martini.'

The frog does and says, 'I'm a little tipsy from those martinis; may I have a kiss?'

'What the hell.' He kissed the frog and it turned into a naked, blonde teenaged girl...And that, in summation your Honor, is how my client came to be found with a drunk, naked, teenaged girl in his lap."

***

"When," said the therapist, "are you going to pay me?"

"Tomorrow," said the patient, "or my name's not Alexander the Great."

How do you know when your lawyer is well hung?

When you can no longer fit your index finger between his neck and the noose.

***

A lawyer, a doctor, and an architect all walk their dogs at the same park every weekend. A rivalry ensues and there are races, Frisbee catching competitions, etc. One Saturday the doctor and architect show up with grocery sacks. "I will prove," says the architect, "which profession has the smartest pet." He reaches into the sack and extracts a large box of toothpicks and a bottle of Elmer's glue. His dog proceeds to construct a replica of the Eiffel Tower and is rewarded with a huge dog biscuit. The doctor reaches into his sack and produces a dead frog and a scalpel. His dog dissects the frog and is rewarded with an even bigger dog biscuit. The lawyer whispers in his dog's ear. The lawyer's dog fucks the other two dogs and steals their biscuits.

***

"Doctor," said the man, "after the first, I'm tired. After the second I have chest pains. After the third it takes my heart a half hour to calm down."

"Why don't you quit after the first?"

"I can't."

"Why not?"

"Because I live on the third."

***

What do you call 100 skydiving lawyers?

Skeet.

***

Two women were sitting in a doctor's office. "I want a baby more than anything in the world. But I can't get pregnant."

"I had that problem but I went to a faith healer and managed to get pregnant."

"My husband and I tried that and it didn't work."

"Try going alone next time."

***

Did you hear about the gynecologist who moved back to his hometown to practice?

He decided to look up a few old girlfriends.

***

A lawyer cross-examines a medical examiner: "Did you check her pulse?"

"No."

"Her breathing?"

"No."

"So you declared her brain dead without checking her vitals?"

"Well, as an organ donor, her liver was on its way to Cincinnati. Her kidneys are in a 12 year old in L.A. And for all I know her brain could be out there somewhere practicing law."

***

A man tells his doctor that his wife hadn't had sex with him for a year. The doctor calls her and asks her what's up. "Well," she says, "this recession has hurt us bad. The car has been repossessed so I take a cab to work. I don't have any money and the cabbie says, 'You going to pay today, or what?' So he gets an or what. Then I'm late for work so with my boss it's 'Do I dock your pay or what?' So the boss gets an or what. I'm tired of sex, doctor."

"I see. Now, do we tell your husband about this or what?"

***

A lawyer's dog ran into a butcher's shop and snagged a roast beef. The butcher recognized the dog and visited the lawyer's apartment after work. "If," asked the butcher, "someone's pet steals meat from my shop can I demand recompense from the pet's owner?"

"Absolutely."

"Your dog made off with a roast beef of mine today." The butcher handed him a bill for $26.50.

"I'll have a registered letter delivered to your shop within three days. This matter will be resolved."

"Thank you."

Two days later a registered letter arrives. "I'll be damned," said the butcher. Then he opened the letter and read it, "I'll be fucked." He called the lawyer, "This is a bill for $973.50."

"I know. My consultation fee is $1000. Minus $26.50 for the roast beef it's $973.50."

***

When is talk not cheap?

When it's your lawyer talking.

***

What's another difference between a lawyer and a vulture?

The Rolex.

***

Did you hear about the man who got his vasectomy at Sears?

Every time he gets a hard-on his garage door opens.

***

An older man making out his will says to the lawyer, "I'm giving everything to my wife. The houses, the businesses, the cars. I just want the simple stipulation that she forfeits everything if she doesn't marry within a year."

"Why is that?"

"Because I want at least one person to be sorry I'm dead."

***

"Doctor, the problem is that I can't piss."

"How old are you?"

"A hundred and twelve."

"Haven't you pissed enough?"

What does a gay guy with a boyfriend named William do that every lawyer and doctor should?

Take his Bill and shove it up his ass.

***

"I fucking want to commit suicide," said the patient to his analyst. "I'm a waste—a complete fucking failure."

"No you're not," said the doctor. "Anyone who can afford me isn't a complete failure."

***

A man with a terrible toothache goes to the dentist who pulls out a hypodermic. "No doc, I'm scared to death of needles."

"Nitrous?"

"I'm allergic."

"Then take these two Viagra."

"Will they help with the pain?"

"No. But it'll give you something to hold onto while I pull the tooth."

***

"How was your day, honey?" asked the wife over her cell phone.

"I'm at the emergency room."

"Why?"

"I cut off my finger."

"The whole finger?"

"No," said the man, "the one next to it."

***

A doctor and a lawyer collide on a country road. Both cars are totaled. They exchange insurance info and call the sheriff on their cell phones. "You look shaken up," says the lawyer. "How about a drink?"

"Thanks. It would steady me."

The lawyer pulls out a flask and hands it to the doctor who takes a deep pull. "Thanks."

"You're welcome." The lawyer puts the flask back in his pocket.

"Aren't you having any?"

"Sure. After the sheriff leaves."

***

The judge said to the man who'd been arrested for drunk driving, "Are you sober enough to understand you were brought here for drunk driving?"

"Count me out your honor, I just can't hold anymore."

***

How do you know when a lawyer is really crooked?

He has to screw on his socks.

***

What do a puppy and a nearsighted gynecologist have in common?

Wet noses.

***

Name the three reasons why the University of California will be using lawyers instead of lab rats for scientific research?

1) There are more lawyers.

2) The laboratory staff doesn't think they're cute and cuddly.

3) There is some shit a lab rat just won't do.

***

A man went to his therapist and said, "You gotta help me, I'm distraught. Every night my wife goes to Mac's Bar and sucks everyone's cock."

"Calm down. Just take a deep breath and tell me where Mac's Bar is located."

***

An obese woman visited her gynecologist. She plopped into the stirrups and the doctor said, "Jesus, you have the biggest twat I've ever seen. Jesus, you have the biggest twat I've ever seen."

"You don't have to say it twice."

"I didn't."

***

A lawyer's wife dies. At the funeral, propped up against the casket is a sign that reads: HERE LIES BARBARA BLACK, WIFE OF MURRAY BLACK, ATTORNEY AT LAW SPECIALIZING IN DIVORCE AND BANKRUPCTY. When Murray enters with his mother he takes one look at the sign and bursts into tears.

"You should cry, you heartless bastard. Pulling a publicity stunt like that at your wife's funeral."

"It's not that."

"What is it?"

"They forgot to include my telephone number."

***

Two shrinks met in the hallway outside their offices. One said, "Good morning."

The other said, "What do you really mean by that?"

***

What's the difference between a leech and a lawyer?

After you're dead the leech lets go.

***

"Doc," said the frantic man over the phone, "I just got my arm broken in two places. What should I do?"

The doctor said, "Never, ever return to either place."

***

A doctor gave a blonde a packet of birth control pills. She was back an hour later to say, "These will never work."

"How do you know?"

"They keep falling out."

***

Why can't you circumcise a lawyer?

There's no end to those pricks.

In 2005 a female lawyer flew to Washington in order to initiate impeachment proceedings. When she presented her case to Congress she simply pulled up her skirt and displayed her shaved pussy. "What is the meaning of this?" demanded the Speaker of the House.

She said, "Read my lips; no more Bush."

***

"Let me get this straight," said the psychiatrist, "your wife sent you to see me because of your taste in socks?"

"Yep. She eats them with bleu cheese and I like them with oil and vinegar."

***

What do sperm and a lawyer have in common?

A one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human.

***

The postal clerk approached the man who had been putting stamps and LOVE! stickers on envelopes for over three hours. "Pardon my curiosity, sir. But what are you doing?"

"I send out 1500 Valentine cards to friends and business acquaintances every year."

"That's sweet."

"Not really. I'm a divorce lawyer and the cards are signed Guess Who?"

***

A man wheels himself into a doctor's office and says, "Since last week's tournament I can't walk, doc."

The doctor examines his shins which are covered with bruises and contusions. "Jesus, whaddaya play hockey? Lacrosse? Soccer?"

"Bridge."

***

What did the terrorist who commandeered an airplane full of lawyers do?

Threatened to release one every hour until his demands were met.

***

"Every time," said the young doctor to the old doctor, "I attend a public event people buttonhole me for free medical advice. It's annoying."

"Do what I do."

"What's that?"

The old pro said, "Tell them you'd be happy to help if they'd just take off all their clothes and hop up on the table."

***

What's a lawyer's perfect weight?

About 300 pounds—but that includes the casket.

***

A doctor and his wife are arguing about money at breakfast. Right before he leaves for work, he tells her, "You're also a lousy fuck."

He cools down and calls her at lunchtime. It rings and rings and when she answers it she's out of breath. "What took you so long to answer the phone?"

"I was outside with the pool boy getting a second opinion."

***

"I'm confused," said the divorce lawyer. "You say you're divorcing him because of sex, health, fatigue, eyesight, sloth, buttocks and real estate?"

"Yes. I'm fucking sick and tired of seeing his lazy ass around the house."

An older couple makes an appointment to see their doctor. "What's wrong?" asks the doctor.

"We are from a different generation and we have problems talking about sex," says the lady. "Perhaps we could show you?"

The doctor curses silently under his breath, but then remembers his Hippocratic Oath, and says, "Certainly."

So they strip naked, hop up on the examining table and fuck like teenagers. They get dressed and the man says, "Huh, it didn't happen that time. We'd better make an appointment for next week."

They come back week after week after week: fucking like bunny rabbits every time until the doctor says, "What's really going on here?"

The lady says, "When we do it at my house, my husband beats us up. When we do it at his house his wife throws cold water on us. A nice motel costs $80; a fleabag hotel costs $40, but you have $12 co-pay and my insurance covers the rest."

***

What's 15 inches long and dangles in front of an asshole?

A lawyer's tie.

***

A baby boy was born weighing ten pounds, but his testicles weighed five pounds. When the doctor told his mom he'd have to be placed in a mental institution she said, "Why?"

The doctor said, "He's half nuts."

***

What does a lawyer use for birth control?

His personality.

***

The doctor says, "I have bad news and worse news."

"What's the bad news?"

"You have one month to live."

"What's the worse news?"

"It's February."

***

What do you need when you have seven lawyers up to their necks in quicksand?

More quicksand.

***

A doctor phones his patient, "I have good news and bad news."

"What's the good news?"

"You have 72 hours to live."

"What's the bad news?"

"I forgot to call you yesterday."

***

What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of shit?

The bucket.

***

Why don't lawyers vacation at the beach?

Cats bury them in the sand.

***

A man burst into his doctor's office, "Doc, you gotta help me. Every time I see my lawn I start singing The Green, Green Grass of Home. Every time I see a cat I start singing What's New Pussycat? What's wrong with me?"

"Sounds like you have Tom Jones syndrome."

"Is that common?"

"It's Not Unusual."

***

Why are there so many nuclear dumps in Nevada and lawyers in New York?

Nevada had first choice.

***

A psychiatrist visited the orphanage and a little boy came up to him and said, "I wanna leave."

"Do you want to live with your mother?"

"No. She beats me."

"Do you want to live with your father?"

"No. He beats me too."

"Who do you want to live with?"

"I want to live with the San Francisco 49ers."

"Why?"

"Because they don't beat anybody."

***

Did you hear about the female lawyer in London?

She dropped her briefs and became a solicitor.

***

A patient in his gown is sprinting down a hospital's hallway when he's restrained by a hospital administrator. "Why are you running?"

"Because a nurse just said that my appendectomy is a simple procedure. Just relax and everything will be okay."  
"That's true; why are you afraid?"

"She was talking to the doctor."

***

A man walks into a psychiatrist's office and says, "Doc, you gotta help me."

"What's wrong?"

"I'm invisible."

"I'm sorry. I can't see you right now."

***

A lady walks into a doctor's office and says, "You gotta help me. I'm tired all the time. I got no energy."

"Look at your fat ass," says the doctor. "You're obese. You're a fucking tub of guts. Lose some weight you lazy bitch."

"I demand a second opinion."

"Okay," says the doctor. "You're ugly, too."

***

What did the legal secretary say when her boss stuck his hand up her skirt?

"Stop and/or I'll slap your face."

***

What's the difference between a lawyer and a snake?

1) Snakes can't carry briefcases.

2) When you run over a snake you don't back up over it to make certain it's dead.

***

A doctor approaches a patient and says, "You have, tops, a month to live. The cancer's incurable."

"Nice bedside manner, Doc. Can't you think of anything positive to say?"

"You're right. I apologize."

"Accepted. If you tell me one thing that happened here today that's positive."

The doctor thinks, then says, "You see my new receptionist with the big tits?"

"Yeah?"

The doctor whispers, "I fucked her at lunch."

***

What's the difference between a dead skunk and a dead lawyer?

There are skid marks in front of the skunk.

***

A doctor, dining alone, pays with his American Express card. The waiter returns with a pen to sign the charge slip. The doctor hands the pen back to the server, "I always sign my charge card receipts with the pen my mother gave me the day I graduated from Med School." He reaches inside his jacket, pulls out a rectal thermometer and says, "Apparently some asshole has my pen."

***

Why should you never hit a lawyer on a bicycle?

It's probably your bicycle he's riding.

***

"My girlfriend's a nympho, doc. She's wearing me out. I can't eat or sleep; she's all over me 24 hours a day."

"I see," said the doctor. "Does she have a sister?"

***

Students at UCLA medical school were having their first experience with a cadaver. They all gathered around the surgical table and the professor started class: "It is important to have two qualities as a doctor. The first is that you cannot become disgusted with any bodily function." The doctor whipped the sheet off the body, stuck his finger into the cadaver's asshole, withdrew it, then sucked his finger. "Now you go ahead and do the same thing."

The students freaked out, but nobody wanted to flunk the class so they took turns sticking their fingers into the cadaver's asshole and sucking their fingers clean.

When everybody was finished the professor looked at them all and told them, "The second important quality in medicine is observation. I stuck my middle finger in the asshole and sucked my index finger. Pay attention people! Pay attention!"

***

A man walks into the doctor's office with carrots in his ears and two gherkin pickles in his nose. "I'd like to see the doctor."

"No need," said the receptionist, "I'll tell you exactly what's wrong."

"What?"

"You're not eating right."

***

A man is diagnosed with terminal cancer and given six months to live. "Doc," he asks, "what can I do?"

"Marry a Jewish girl. It'll seem longer."

***

A lady has her boobs done by the famous Dr. Feelgood. Part of the recovery procedure is to massage them every morning while reciting, "Mary had a little lamb, its fleece was white as snow, every day I touch myself my boobies start to grow." She does and her tits look great; she has a new boyfriend and gets a promotion at work. Then one morning she's late for work and forgets. She sits next to a man on a crowded bus and starts fondling herself and reciting her titty mantra. He looks over and says, "Dr. Feelgood, huh?"

"Heard of him?"

He whips his dick out, starts masturbating and says, "Hickory Dickory Dock..."

***

A man walks into the doctor's office and says to the receptionist, "Something's wrong with my cock."

"There are women and children in the waiting room, Sir. Watch your language."

"Okay, I'll try again."

He leaves, reenters and says, "There is something wrong with my ear."

"What's that?"

"I have a terrible burning sensation whenever I piss out of it."

***

How do you sleep like an attorney?

First you lie on one side and, then you lie on the other.

***

What's brown and black and looks great on a lawyer?

A Doberman.

***

Mr. Holmes is a terrible patient to all the nurses: rude, foul-mouthed, inconsiderate, and complaining. One morning a nurse comes in to take his temperature and he cusses her out. In no mood, the nurse says, "Just shut up and roll over you old fart." She does the insertion and leaves the door to his room wide open. Everybody who walks by the room points and laughs and continues on.

"What are you assholes laughing at?" he asks two young nurses. "Haven't you ever seen anyone having their temperature taken rectally?"

"Of course we have," says one, "but with a daffodil?"

***

"I'm physically attracted to my horse, doctor. Whenever I'm around it I get a hard on."

"Is it male or female?"

"Female, of course. Do you think I'm a fag?"

***

A doctor and his wife are out for a walk. A streetwalker says, "Good afternoon, Doctor Kiley."

Before his wife can say anything, he says, "Don't worry. I know her professionally."

She asks, "Your profession or hers?"

***

Ben Affleck goes to the doctor and says, "You gotta help me, doctor. Every time I see myself in the mirror I get an erection."

"That's because," says the doctor, "you're a pussy."

***

Did you hear about the female lawyer who moonlighted as a hooker?

She was a prostituting attorney.

***

#  GAY AND LESBIAN...

Did you hear about the three gay guys who raped a woman?

Two of them held her down and the other one did her hair.

***

Why'd the gay guy give up chess?

He heard they sacrificed queens.

***

What do you call a gay guy with a runny nose?

Full.

***

Why'd the gay gigolo move to Hollywood?

He wanted to make love under the stars.

***

But you call a lesbian with fat fingers?

Well hung.

***

Did you hear about the young man who moved to San Francisco?

He turned prematurely gay.

***

What did the gerbil say when the fag walked into the pet store?

"Meow, meow, meow."

***

Bobby walks into a sex shop in San Francisco and says to the salesman, "Pardon, where's the dildos?"

"On the shelf near the door over there."

Bobby returns a minute later and says, "I'll take this one."

"No," says the salesman. "The dildos are next to the fire extinguisher."

***

What does a gay horse eat for breakfast?

Haaaaaaaay.

***

A bank robber in San Francisco breaks into the main branch of the Bank of America, whips out a machine gun and says, "I'm robbing this place! Then I'm gonna kill all the women and fuck all the men."

A female teller asks, "Don't you mean fuck all the women and kill all the men?"

An effeminate male voice from the back piped up, "Hey, he's the one with the machine gun."

***

A young student is talking to his guidance counselor about career opportunities, "Since I'm going to be gay," says the student, "I suppose I should look for something in theater, fashion, or interior design."

"You're 12 years old and I assume a virgin?"

"Right."

"Then how do you know you're going to be gay?"

"My two older brothers are gay and my dad just came out of the closet; preceded by my paternal and maternal grandfathers."

"Jesus, doesn't anyone in your family eat pussy?"

"Sure, mom and sis."

***

What do you call four open cans of tuna fish in a lesbian's apartment?

Potpourri.

***

Why was the gay married couple bored with their sex life?

Night after night it was the same old shit.

***

Did you hear about the two gay Irishmen?

Patrick Fitzgerald and Gerald Fitzpatrick.

Why didn't any homosexuals die in the tsunami?

They could reach higher ground more quickly because their shit was already packed.

***

What's the definition of a lesbian?

Just another goddam woman trying to do a man's job.

***

How can you tell if your doctor is a faggot?

When he performs a rectal exam both his hands are on your shoulders.

***

And he inserts suppositories with his teeth.

***

Is it better to be born black or gay?

Black. You don't have to tell your parents.

***

Why don't gay baseball players lean on their bats?

They are afraid it might get serious.

***

What's the hardest thing about having AIDS?

Convincing your parents that you're Haitian.

***

Why is AIDS an agricultural miracle?

It's the only thing that can turn a fruit into a vegetable.

***

What do you say to a lesbian Playboy Bunny?

"Fucking bitch."

***

What is a Jewish mother's worst dilemma?

Having her gay son date a doctor.

***

Did you hear about the gay interior decorator who crashed his motorcycle and was all black and blue?

He committed suicide because he clashed with the drapes.

***

An HIV-positive man visited his doctor seeking any type of help. The doctor said, "Go to Mexico. Gulp down five shots of tequila. Drink the water. Eat the spiciest food you can possibly find."

"Will that help my HIV?"

"No. But it will illustrate why God gave you an asshole."

***

"Mom," said Brad, "I have something important to tell you. I'm a homosexual."

"I know," said Brad's mother.

"How did you know?"

"You've had shit underneath your fingernails since you've been eight years old."

***

What do lesbians do when they're on the rag?

Finger paint.

Why did the lesbian sneakers get recalled?

The tongues weren't long enough.

***

What do you call a gay Jew?

A He Blew.

***

A gay Mexican?

A Señor eater.

***

The new gay Chinese restaurant?

Sum Yung Guy.

***

Why are there no homosexuals in the Bible?

Because they'd blow all the prophets.

***

How do you know when your roommate has turned gay?

His dick starts tasting shitty.

How do we know that Frosty the Snowman is gay?

Because he gets an erection when he hears the snow blower.

***

What's the best thing about being gay?

After sex there's someone intelligent to talk to.

***

A gay guy walked into a clock store, unzipped his pants and whipped it out.

The man behind the service counter said, "Sir, this is a clock store not a cock store."

"No problem," said the gay guy. "Just put two hands and a face on this."

***

What's the address of the NAMBLA web site on the Internet?

Just hit: Enter Enter Enter Enter Enter.

***

How can you tell if a body builder's gay?

He's always pumping Myron.

Two businessmen are discussing investment opportunities, Bill says: "I'm investing in a chain of bars for lesbians."

Bill says, "Really?"

"Yes. It's called Lickety Splits. Each one will be constructed with no studs. It'll be all tongue in groove."

"Will you pay off for you?"

"Sure will, all lesbians know how to hold their licker."

***

What do you call two gay guys named Bob?

Oral Roberts.

***

What do you get when you cross a Gateway with a horny gay guy?

A computer that goes down a lot.

***

One gay to another: "Did you hear about Keith? He shoved a wine bottle up his ass."

"Rectum?"

"Nearly fucking killed him."

Two guys were taking a shower when someone knocked at the door. One said, "I'll answer it, but don't come. Please, don't come until I get back." He answered the door and when he returned to the shower there was sperm everywhere: the shampoo bottle, the washrag, the shower door. "I told you not to come until I got back!"

"I didn't come. I farted."

***

What's the most popular card game at the gay casino?

Poker. But with queens wild and no straights. It's called Poke Him.

***

Why is the Australian gay Olympic team always late?

Because it's so difficult to get them out of Sydney.

***

What's the difference between a faggot and a refrigerator?

A refrigerator doesn't fart when you pull the meat out.

What do you get when you lock a gay guy and a Jewish guy in a closet?

A Broadway musical.

***

How do you know when you're in a gay church?

Only half the congregation is kneeling.

***

Did you hear about the gay guy who put a nicotine patch on his cock?

He's down to three or four butts a week.

***

What do you call a Korean lesbian with thick fingers?

Well Hung.

***

What do you call a homosexual from Mississippi?

A homo-sex-yawl.

***

Why is San Francisco like granola?

Both consist of fruits, nuts, and flakes.

***

What do you call an art gallery when all the gays call in sick?

Closed.

***

Did you hear the joke about the gay Arab?

It's very tongue-in-Sheik.

***

Did you hear about the two married, alcoholic gays from San Francisco?

Their final wish was to be buried together. The mortician cremated them and buried them in an empty can of fruit cocktail.

***

Did you hear about the gay whale in San Francisco Bay?

It attacked a submarine and tried to suck out the seamen.

What was the gay murderer charged with?

Homo-cide.

***

How do you separate the men from the boys in San Francisco?

With a crowbar.

***

"Bobby?" yelled Bruce from upstairs, "has the paperboy come yet?"

"No, but he's moaning, his eyes are glassy, and sweat is dribbling down the crack of his ass."

***

How do we know that nails are gay?

They are always blowing tires.

***

Did you hear about the bisexual groundhog?

He digs everybody's hole.

***

Why did the gay guy get cut from the baseball team?

He dropped every fly that came his way.

***

Why'd the gay guy get cut from the football team?

Too many piling on penalties.

***

Two condoms are walking by a gay bar. One says to the other, "Want to go in here and get shitfaced?"

***

Two gay guys are walking down the street and they see a dog licking his balls. "God," says Bruce, "I wish I could do that."

"You can," says Bob, "just pet him first to see if he's friendly."

***

What do you call a gay guy on an Indian reservation?

A brave sucker.

A trucker picked up two gay guys whose car had broken down. After a few miles one gay guy said, "We had Mexican for lunch. Would you mind terribly if I farted?"

"No," said the trucker.

So he rolled down the window and farted softly: Swiff.

"My turn," said the other gay: Quiff.

"Leave that window down," said the trucker. He rocked up on one butt cheek and let one fly: BAROOOM.

One gay guy says to the other, "I told you he was a virgin."

***

Did you hear about the Scottish homosexual?

Phillip McCracken.

***

What's the difference between a straight guy's ass and a gay guy's ass?

Anything that goes up a straight guy's ass has a painted fingernail on it.

or

Anything that goes up a straight guy's ass isn't circumcised.

What do you call a bouncer in a gay bar?

A flamethrower.

***

What do you call a female gay Eskimo?

A Klondyke.

***

What is a Klondyke's favorite food?

Cold cunts.

***

Why did the gay billionaire want to buy the Raiders?

Because all the players suck.

***

What is the difference between a faggot and a hunting dog?

The hunting dog sics ducks.

***

A Coast Guard cutter performs a daring rescue in high surf, saving a crew of 12. The captain of the rescued ship has accounted for all but one of his men. He walks around to the bow of the boat and sees one of the Coast Guard guys fucking the missing member of his crew up the ass.

"What the hell," says the captain, "do you think you're doing?"

The Coastie says, "He was drowning. He took in water."

"Then you should give him mouth-to-mouth resuscitation," says the captain.

The crewman says, "How do you think all this got started?"

***

A gay guy on his lunch hour sees a stunningly handsome man in a restaurant. After lunch he follows him back to his office and discovers that he's a proctologist. The gay guy makes an appointment, drops his drawers and bends over. The doctor gloves up, lubes up, inserts two fingers and the gay guy shoots his wad. "Dammit," says the doctor, "I'm tired of you fags getting your jollies with me. Get out. Never come back."

The next morning when the doctor arrives the gay is sitting in his waiting room. "I told you yesterday—"

"Doctor, I have a serious proctologic complaint."

"Okay, okay."

So they're in the office, lubed and ready and the doctor can't get his fingers in. So he grabs some forceps and pulls out a single long-stemmed red rose. The doctor says, "Jesus, I don't know what to say."

The gay guy smiles and says, "Read the card."

***

Why'd the gay guy get fired from the sperm bank?

Drinking on the job.

***

A young man walks into an FTD store in Cincinnati, "Is it true you ship flowers anywhere for free?"

"Yes."

"Could you send me to Tampa, I want to visit my boyfriend."

***

Did you hear about the gay tattoo artist?

He had designs on every guy in town.

***

Did you hear about the gay judges?

They tried each other.

***

A coed had a crush on her female roommate. One night after a few beers she said, "Wanda, I'll be frank—"

"No, you take the bottom, I'll be Frank."

***

What does it signify when two lesbians make love?

It don't mean diddly.

***

Why is it so difficult for lesbians to piss after making love?

Did you ever try to peel apart a grilled cheese sandwich?

***

A man moved to a commune in New Mexico. "You're going to like it here," said the person showing him around. "Every Friday night we drink Mezcal until we pass out."

"I'm afraid I'm not much of a drinker."

"Saturdays are fun too. We all take peyote buttons until we trip out and then have an orgy."

"That sounds a little wild to me."

"You're not one of those cocksuckers, are you?"

"No."

"Then you probably won't enjoy Sundays either."

***

Bruce is visiting San Francisco when a tour guide pointed out the ferry boats in the bay. "God," he says, "I knew that gays were accepted out here but when did we get our on navy?"

***

What do you call three lesbians in a closet?

A lick her cabinet.

***

Did you hear what happened when the gay FBI agent was assigned to infiltrate the militant homosexual organization?

He blew the entire assignment.

***

Why'd the gay guy grow a mustache?

To hide the stretch marks.

***

Did you hear about the gay masochist?

He was a sucker for punishment.

***

What do you call a gay dwarf?

A low blow.

***

What does gay stand for?

Got Aids Yet?

***

Did you hear about the new gay sitcom, Leave It, It's Beaver?

***

What do you get if you have 50 lesbians and 50 Congressman?

100 people who don't do dick.

What's the hot new pickup line in gay bars?

"Push that stool in for you, buddy?"

***

What do you call a gay bar with no stools?

A fruit stand.

***

A gay guy wants to have a child so he hires a surrogate mother who is artificially inseminated with his sperm. When the baby's born he visits the maternity ward and says to the head nurse, "Isn't it ironic that the only baby not fussing or crying is the one with the gay father?"

She says, "Wait 'til we pull the pacifier out of his ass."

***

Did you hear about the gay Santa Claus?

Instead of filling the children's stockings he wants to try them on.

***

A Boy Scout leader in San Francisco is out bicycling with his troop. The scouts are clapping and laughing and carrying on. Then they got pulled over by a cop and he made them put the seats back on the bikes.

***

A tourist from Cincinnati accidentally gets on a gay charter bus in San Francisco. When he realizes the entire bus is full of homosexuals he says to the driver, "I want to get off!"

The driver says, "Not to worry, not to worry."

***

How do you get four gay guys on the same barstool?

Turn it upside down.

***

How do you get them off?

Wiggle it briskly.

***

Did you hear about the new ritual in the gay Mafia?

The kiss of death includes cocktails, dinner, and dancing.

***

Two gay baseball players were about to have sex when they both asked each other, "Who's on first?"

***

Why did the adopted boy of gay parents leave home?

He didn't like the way he was being reared.

***

Have you heard about the new running shoe for lesbians?

It has an extra long tongue but you only need two fingers to get it off.

***

Did you hear about the gay Senator?

He spent his days on Capitol Hill bent over the pages.

How do asthmatic lesbians breathe?

In snatches.

***

Why do gay sperm get claustrophobic?

There's no womb to move around in.

***

Why did the gay cadet get expelled from West Point?

He wanted to switch Majors.

***

How can you tell if your house has been burglarized by gays?

The jewelry's gone, but the dishes are done and the furniture has been rearranged.

***

Did you hear about the gay midget?

He just came out of the cupboard.

***

What's the difference between a married homosexual and a single homosexual?

The married guy has a better half; the single guy gets a lot of little pieces.

***

What does a gay reindeer do on his day off?

Goes into town to blow a few bucks.

***

The residents of the small western town urged the sheriff to arrest the local faggot because he'd been propositioning every man in town. The sheriff walked to the gay guy's house and arrested him. "Okay, pee-pee-puffer. You got half-an-hour to blow this here town or you are getting 90 days in jail."

The homosexual smiled and said, "I'll need it least an hour."

***

What do you call a gay guy in a wheelchair?

Roll Aids.

***

A gay guy got into a fender bender with a semi truck. The trucker stepped out of the cab and said, "Look what you did to my truck, you careless asshole. You can just suck my dick."

"Sure," said the gay, "I'll settle out of court."

***

Two gay guys loved to play sex games. Last Saturday Bruce said, "I'll hide and if you find me. I'll suck your cock."

"What if I can't find you?" said Bill.

Bruce whispered, "I'll be in the garage."

***

How does a lesbian hold her liquor?

By the ears.

***

They took a survey and discovered that 66% of all homosexuals are born that way. All the others just get sucked into it.

***

Why'd the lesbian get kicked out of the Girl Scouts?

For eating all the Brownies.

***

What is the favorite game at gay summer camp?

Hide-and-go-Suck.

***

Two gay roommates are living with each other, not involved, while they are waiting for Mister Right. One Sunday they go to the zoo. Walking by the gorilla cage one of them is snatched, pulled into the cage and raped by the 600 pound gorilla. He's rescued and rushed to the hospital. The other gay arrives at the hospital a half-hour later and asks the nurse how his friend is doing: "Minor contusions, he's being held for observation. He's in room 332."

He walks down the hall, enters 332 and sees that his roommate is weeping, saying, "I've never been hurt like this before!"

"The nurse says you just suffered minor contusions."

"He hasn't called. He hasn't written..."

***

What did one gay sperm say to the other gay sperm?

How do you find an egg in all this shit?

***

What will one gay Marine never say to another gay Marine?

"What are you wearing tomorrow?"

***

#  JUMBLED JOKES...

President Obama is out for a stroll when he passes the Vietnam Memorial. He sees a woman on her knees praying fervently. He observes her for five minutes; then ten. For a full half-hour, she is on her knees offering up prayers. She rises and turns to walk away when he says, "Maam, I couldn't help but notice, but I have to ask you what were you praying for?"

"I was praying for the Vietnam dead; ours and theirs. For an end to the pain for the survivors, for the remaining families, and a healing for both countries involved in this terrible conflict."

"You're obviously a very devout woman, do you think God heard your prayers?"

"I really don't know," she said. "It's like talking to a fucking wall."

***

A woman spent nearly half an hour reading cards at a stationery shop. The clerk finally came over and asked, "May help you?"

"I hope so. Do you have any, I'm sorry I laughed at your dick cards?"

***

Following a prison riot the warden addressed the ringleader: "Why did you incite this riot?"

"Because the food is awful."

"How did you saw through the bars of your cell?"

"We used the French toast."

***

Why are pirates so mean?

They just ARRRRRRR.

***

Did you hear about the blue cruise ship that collided with the red cruise ship?

The surviving passengers were marooned.

***

On a whistle stop campaign a senator's train derailed and ran over two prize bulls. He immediately apologized to the farmer and wrote a check for reimbursement, making it the only time in the history of American politics that a politician took responsibility for all the bulls hit.

***

What do you get after eating beans and onions?

Tear gas.

***

"I give up," said the man at the race track.

"What?" said the man beside him.

"I can't take it anymore. Today's August eighth; my oldest daughter is eight years old; we live at 8888 Eighth Street. So I bet on the eighth horse in the eighth race."

"And he finished second?"

"No. Eighth."

Two Americans on safari in Zambia were warned about the deadly Foo bird: "If this bird shits on you, under no circumstances," they were told by the safari's leader, "should you wipe the Foo bird's shit off."

Thinking that it was a quaint tribal superstition the Americans embarked on the safari. Two days later, deep in the bush, a flock of Foo birds flew over and shit all over one of them. The bird crap was noxious, vile, and corrosive. The American shitee, of course, wiped it off. He immediately dropped dead. The other American said to the safari's leader, "Why'd that happened?"

"I don't know," he replied, "but I'm sure you've heard the saying: If the Foo shits, wear it."

***

Why is the most lucrative invention of all time the hay baling machine?

It always ends up making a bundle.

***

Did you hear about the man with the world's largest cock?

He had a fiveskin.

When he was a little kid Barack Obama's mom caught him masturbating. "Stop that," she said, "or when you grow up you'll have to be President of the United States."

***

Hank had finally coaxed his secretary into the backseat of his car, but no matter what he or she did he couldn't get an erection. He went home and when he spotted his 287 pound wife on the couch eating ice cream his pecker started stiffening. "No wonder," he said, "they call it a prick."

***

How do you know when you're drinking too much?

You wake up with a Mohawk. Not the haircut, a big fucking sweaty ass Indian.

***

What do you call tits on a Girl Scout?

Brownie points.

***

In the middle of the night a parapsychologist spotted a ball of ectoplasm hovering above his bed. He pulled out his camera and snapped off an entire roll. He had the film developed and not a single picture showed the ectoplasmic ball. "Apparently," said the parapsychologist after reviewing the prints, "the spirit was willing but the flash was weak."

***

What's white and crawls up your leg?

Uncle Ben's perverted rice.

***

A Muscle Beach muscle-head was showing off by strutting around with a bikini-ed girl perched on each bicep. "Wow," said a passerby, "look at the girls on that boob."

***

What's the difference between an Italian girl and a Jewish American Princess?

One has real orgasms and fake diamonds.

***

What's a rabbi's Catch-22?

Free pork.

***

Why didn't Joan of Arc socialize with Frenchmen?

She had a date with a pole.

***

What's the difference between a female runner and a sewing machine?

A sewing machine only has one bobbin.

***

If two's company and three's a crowd, what are four and five?

Nine.

***

How does a nymphomaniac laugh?

He, he, he, he.

***

Why'd the nymphomaniac get a job as a Congressional page?

Just looking for a little sexual harassment.

***

What was the nympho's one complaint about sex on t.v.?

She kept falling off.

***

What is the Japanese word for orgasm?

Gland finale.

***

The middle-aged lady was approached on the dance floor by a young man. He said, "Wanna dance?"

"Don't be ridiculous, I could never dance with a child."

"Sorry," he said, "I could see you were fat, but I didn't know you were pregnant."

***

A lady is doing 30 mph over the speed limit. A cop with a radar gun lurking beneath the bridge pulls her over. "Why are you in such a hurry?"

"I'm late for work."

"What do you do for a living?"

"I am a rectum stretcher."

"What does a rectum stretcher do?"

"I put two gloves on, grease up with some KY Jelly, shove in one hand and then shove in the other hand. Then I pull until the asshole is about six feet wide."

"What do you do with a six foot asshole?"

"Give him a radar gun and hide him under a bridge."

***

How do you make a woman sound like a dolphin?

Fuck her in the ass and she'll go, "Eh......eh....eh...."

***

Why do dogs lick their asses?

Because they know in five minutes they'll be licking your face.

***

Why didn't Adolf Hitler drink beer?

It made him mean.

***

How do you find an obese chick's pussy?

You sniff the folds until you smell shit, then go back one.

***

Due to lack of funding the U.S. Navy was offering veterans early retirement. As an incentive they'd pay you a $1000 bonus per inch, measured from any one part of your body to another. A Lieutenant taking the early-out stood up tall and said, "Measure me from head-to-foot."

"Seventy-two inches tall. That's $72,000," said the medical officer who did the measuring.

Another Lieutenant stood up tall and stretched his arms above his head. The medical officer measured him and said, "Ninety-eight inches, $98,000."

A grizzled Chief Petty Officer whipped out his cock and said, "Measure me from the tip of my Johnson to the middle of my nut sack."

The medical officer said, "That's, if you're endowed, $6000. Put your arms over your head and I'll measure you."

"Just measure me," said the CPO, "from the tip of my fucking Johnson to the middle of my fucking nut sack."

"Okay." The medical officer wrapped a measuring tape around the CPO's dick and stretched it back. After a minute's search, he said, "I can't find your balls. Where are they?"

The CPO said, "Vietnam."

***

Why is a Mexican like a cue ball?

The harder they are hit the more English they pick up.

***

Did you hear about the seven maggots who had group sex in dead Ernest?

***

What did Jim Bowie say to Davy Crockett at the Alamo?

"Where did all these fucking gardeners come from?"

***

Did you hear about the new morning-after birth control pill for men?

It alters their blood type.

Did you hear about the skinny animal lover who moved to Anchorage?

He came back a husky fucker.

***

Why don't good girls swallow?

Because they want to be spitting images of their mothers.

***

What is the difference between semen and sand?

You can't gargle with sand.

***

Why do men pay more for car insurance than women?

Because women never get blow jobs while they're driving.

***

A man walks into a Lexus showroom and is fairly drooling over the latest model. The salesman says, "thinking about buying a new Lexus?"

"I'm buying a Lexus. I'm thinking about pussy."

What do you get when you cross a hooker and a piranha?

Your last blow job.

***

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a white baby?

They named him, "Sum Ting Wong."

***

How come nipples have all those little bumps around them?

It's Braille for, "Suck here and don't bite too hard."

***

Why are women so stupid?

Because they don't have a cock to carry their brains around in.

***

When is it OK to spit in an Iranian girls face?

When her mustache is on fire.

***

How do you know when you're the world's greatest sexual athlete?

When you finish first and third in a masturbation contest.

***

Did you hear about the new J.Lo doll?

Ken and Barbie needed a maid.

***

What percentage of the Iraqi government prefers little boys to women?

Allah them.

***

What did the Marine say to the GI after they were counterattacked at Basrah?

"Where did all these convenience store owners come from?"

***

What do you call a German tampon?

A twatstika.

Why do Republicans watch porno movies backwards?

Because they get their rocks off when they see the hooker give back the money.

***

How was Velcro invented?

An Iranian woman was trying to pull a wool sweater overhead and it snagged on her mustache.

***

Why don't witches ever wear underwear?

It improves their grip on the broomstick.

***

What's the difference between spit and swallow?

40 pounds of pressure on the back of her head.

***

How do you get away from a Jewish cop?

Drive through a tollbooth.

***

What's the difference between driving and getting a blow job?

You can only hold one beer while you're driving.

***

What's the difference between a Cougar and a penis?

When you rub a penis the wrinkles disappear.

***

Why did the Italians lose the war?

They brought ziti instead of shells.

***

Did you hear about the Ethiopian who fell into the alligator pit?

He ate three of them before they could get him out of there.

***

Two guys are walking through central Park. One gent is dragging his left leg and the other is dragging his right leg. One says to the other, "What happened to you?"

"Shrapnel from the Gulf War. What happened to you?"

"Dog shit about a half-mile back."

***

Why doesn't the US government care about acid rain falling in Canada?

It's payback for Céline Dion.

***

What critter has an asshole in the middle of its back?

Saddam Hussein's camel.

***

What do you call 3.1416 vaginas?

Hair Pi.

***

How do you determine the circumference of an Igloo?

You use Eskimo Pi.

***

How come Iranians don't have acne?

It slides off.

***

What's the difference between hair pie and pear pie?

When you eat pear pie you actually look forward to the crust.

***

What does it mean when the flag at the post office is flying at half mast?

It means they're hiring.

***

What's the definition of a nice Iranian boy?

He takes a girl out three times before he fucks her brother.

***

How do you say constipated in German?

"Farfrumshitten."

***

How do you say Vaseline in German?

"Wienerschlicken."

***

How do you say virgin in German?

"Gootandtight."

***

Why don't Iraqis circumcise their camels?

So they have a safe place to put their gum during a sandstorm.

***

What do fat women do during a heat wave?

Stink.

***

What goes peck peck peck—bang?

An Iraqi chicken in a mine field.

***

What do you call an Iraqi with his arm up to the elbow in a camel's ass?

A mechanic.

Why do sumo wrestlers shave their legs and armpits?

So they won't be mistaken for lesbians.

***

A man walks into a whorehouse with a six-pack and says, "I want the raunchiest bitch in this fucking place."

"That's Marge," says the madam. "Third door on the right."

He walks down the hall and enters the third door on the right. Marge is naked, spreadeagled, on the bed, but when she sees him she gets down on the floor on all fours. "Hey," he says, "we could just do it on the bed."

"Oh, we will. But I thought you might want to open your beers first."

***

Why do Iraqi women wear long robes?

To hide the No Pest strip.

***

What do you find in a clean nose?

Fingerprints.

Why did the Iraqi put ice cubes up his nose?

To keep his lunch cold.

***

An Irish girl returns to Donegal after attending college in America. She says to her mother, "Mum, I've gotten a case of venereal disease."

"Put it in the cellar. Your father will drink anything."

***

What are the two most important things you need to know as a plumber?

Shit flows uphill, and don't bite your fingernails.

***

What do you call an Afro American electrician?

Ohm boy.

***

Why do bald men cut holes in their pants pockets?

It's the only way they can run their fingers through their hair.

How can you tell if an Iranian woman is engaged?

Her fiancée's initials are shaved into the hair on her back.

***

What is the most radical cure or for chronic constipation?

Swallow a couple of mice and sit naked on a block of cheddar.

***

How do you know when an Oriental family is moving in next door?

When the Mexican family who lives on the other side of you ask for the name of your insurance agent.

***

Who is more satisfied, a billionaire or a man with six children?

A man with six children. The billionaire always wants more.

***

A lady called her old college roommate and then sang "Happy Birthday" to her. She finished and heard, "Wrong number."

"I'm sorry, she said."

"No worries. You sound so fucking bad you can use the practice."

***

What do you call passengers in a Mini Cooper?

Shock absorbers.

***

What's the smartest thing that ever came out of a woman's mouth?

Einstein's cock.

***

Why are turds tapered at the end?

So your asshole won't slap shut when you shit.

***

How do they practice safe sex in Iraq?

They brand the sheep that kick.

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?

To another pub.

***

How did Betsy Ross find out about George Washington's wooden dentures?

The splinters in her vaginal labia.

***

What's brown and hides in the attic?

The diarrhea of Ann Frank.

***

Why did the turd cross the road?

The chicken forgot to wipe his ass.

***

Two Lakota Sioux Indians are out on the Great Plains. They're tired and starving and they need fresh game. One of the Lakotas drops to his knees and puts his ear to the ground. He says, "Buffalo come."

"How do you know?"

"Stick to my cheek."

Did you hear about the Scotsman who found a new use for sheep?

He gets wool from them.

***

How do you make redneck stucco?

Just paint over the boogers.

***

Why isn't life fair?

Because there are Bibles in motel rooms, but you never get a vibrating church pew.

***

Did you hear about the new Star Trek condoms?

They boldly go where no man has ever gone before.

***

What's black and blue and red and lays by the side of the road?

A redhead who has told one too many blonde jokes.

***

Why do men like to swear?

So they can wash their mouths out with beer.

***

What did Marv Albert do when NBC gave him a pink slip?

He put it on and called a black hooker.

***

What's the definition of sexual harassment?

Sexual harassment is when you talk dirty to a woman. When a woman talks dirty to a man it's: 1-900-CUM-TALK and costs you $3.95 a minute.

***

What do you call a mountain climber who has just had a vasectomy?

Dry sack on the rocks.

***

What did the butcher do when he saw his shop was on fire?

He grabbed his meat and beat it as fast as he could.

Why are there 7.2 million abused women in the United States of America?

Because they never shut the fuck up.

***

What is sex?

It is the most wholesome, natural, gratifying, and wonderful thing that money can buy.

***

What did Bill Clinton say to Hillary after sex?

"I'll be home in an hour."

***

A guy comes home to find his girlfriend packing her bags: "Honey? What the heck are you doing?"

"I'm leaving because you're a pedophile."

"Pedophile?" He scratches his balls, "That's a mighty impressive word for a seven year old."

***

Why do women fake orgasms?

Because they think we think we men care.

How do you know when you're attending a tough high school?

The school newspaper has an obituary page.

***

What's the difference between a pig and a fox?

Five or six beers.

***

What's another name for an Iraqi Shepard?

A pimp.

***

What's the difference between a microwave oven and anal sex?

A microwave doesn't brown your cock.

***

How are inner-city gangs like Santa Claus?

Every night they go for a slay ride.

***

How can you tell the Irish guy at a tittie bar?

He came to drink.

What's an Irish porno flick?

Ninety seconds of sex and an hour of beer commercials.

***

Why is sex in Iraq so exciting?

You never know if the car will explode before you do.

***

What's green, lies in a ditch and smells like shit?

A dead Girl Scout.

***

What do you call a vagina made of glass?

A womb with a view.

***

How do we know that little girls are not made of sugar and spice?

Because, as any pedophile will tell you, they taste like piss.

***

What is the difference between a blimp and 365 blow jobs?

One is a Goodyear, the other one is a great year.

***

What do you call an all-nude daytime soap opera?

Genital Hospital.

***

Why don't they let midgets into nudist colonies?

They get into everybody's hair.

***

What's the most difficult part about being a porno star?

Learning your loins.

***

Why couldn't the young man ascertain if he was truly bisexual?

He was only partly in Ernest.

***

Why is the little red schoolhouse red?

If you had seven periods, you'd be red too.

***

What would have happened to John Kennedy if a porn star was sitting next to him in Dallas?

He would've gotten two heads blown away.

***

What do they say about life in Seoul, Korea?

"It's a man eat dog world."

***

What do you call a Chihuahua in Korea?

An appetizer.

***

What do you call an Iraqi with a sheep under one arm and a baby camel under the other?

Bisexual.

***

What's the difference between the Libyan Air Force and Ted Kennedy?

Ted Kennedy has one confirmed kill.

***

What do you call five teenagers in a brand new BMW?

Grand Theft Auto.

***

What's the best thing about the Japanese Mafia?

When they "take you for a ride" they get great gas mileage.

***

What's the latest fashion in Iraq?

Tanktops.

***

What's red and dances?

A baby on a BBQ.

***

What's the best way to avoid a rape?

Beat off your attacker.

***

Why'd God put a woman's asshole and cunt so close together?

So when they're drunk you can carry them home like a sixpack.

***

What's better than a cold Bud?

A nice warm Busch.

***

Where does a female pilot sit?

In a cunt pit.

***

How do you know when a woman's wearing pantyhose?

When she farts, her ankles swell up.

***

Why is a bottle of Guinness better than a woman?

The Guinness doesn't get mad when you grab another beer.

***

Why is life like a cock?

When it soft it's hard to beat; when it's hard you get fucked.

***

"Daddy, what's a transvestite pedophile?"

"Shut the fuck up and help me out of these bra and panties."

***

How do you know when you're in an authentic Mexican restaurant?

The busboy pours you a glass of water then tells you not to drink it.

***

What has wheels and flies?

A dead cripple in a wheelchair.

What's the difference between eating sushi and eating pussy?

The rice and seaweed.

***

Why did the ugly girl take up jogging?

It was the only way she would ever, ever hear heavy breathing.

***

How do you know when you're not wanted as a child?

Your bathtub toys are a toaster and a radio.

***

Why do only good girls keep diaries?

Because bad girls don't have the time.

***

Why do men have clear consciences?

Because they never use them.

***

What game did Bill Clinton play with Monica Lewinski in the oval office?

Swallow the leader.

***

What really killed Jerry Garcia?

Acid indigestion.

***

What's the easiest way to get a high school dropout off your doorstep?

Pay for the pizza.

***

What do you get when you play New Age Music backward?

New Age Music.

***

What has 50 legs, 25 boxes, and flies?

Twenty-five airline stewardesses.

***

What is a Mafia enforcer's favorite dinner?

Broken leg of lamb.

***

Did you hear about the guy who is half Jewish and half Japanese?

He was circumcised at Benny Hanas'.

***

What's the best way to save electricity at a Chinese restaurant?

Dim Sum lightbulbs.

***

Did you hear about the Ku Klux Klan Grand Wizard who had a bedwetting problem?

He went to lynchings in a rubber sheet.

***

How do you get 57 Haitians in a shoe box?

Tell them it floats.

***

How do you spot a yuppie Ethiopian?

By the Rolex around his waist.

***

What do Japanese men do when they have erections?

Vote.

***

Did you hear about Fear Factor's latest stunt?

The contestants are filmed while running across the Sudan with deli sandwiches strapped to their backs.

***

What do you call an Indian Butler?

Mahat Macoat.

***

What do you get when you cross an Irishman and a Jew?

An alcoholic who buys his liquor wholesale.

***

Puerto Rican foreplay?

"Is your husband home from work yet?"

***

What are Bartels & James' wine coolers called in Mexico?

Dos Okies.

***

What do the Klu Klux Klan and steroids have in common?

Both of them make Barry Bonds run faster.

***

What did the tailor say to the flasher when he threw open his raincoat and exposed himself?

"You call that a lining?"

***

A New York City bum walks up to a Jewish mother and says, "I haven't eaten in four days."

"You should force yourself."

***

What a Republican's idea of open-mindedness?

Dating a Canadian.

***

What's Republican foreplay?

An engagement ring.

***

How can you find the bride at a Republican wedding?

She's kissing the Golden retriever.

***

What do Republicans do instead of fucking?

Rule the country.

***

Did you hear about the disadvantaged Republican?

He grew up with a black-and-white television.

***

What do you get when you cross a Republican and an African-American?

An abortion.

What do you get when you cross a Republican and a Mexican?

A migrant stockbroker.

***

Why do Republicans love to play golf?

It's the only time they get to dress up like black people.

***

What do you call a hippie with no legs?

A Vietnam veteran.

***

Why don't midgets wear Tampax?

They trip on the strings.

***

What does a one-legged a ballerina wear?

A one-one.

***

How do you know when a pervert is a real loser?

Blowing up his inflatable fuck dolly gives him a headache.

***

Why did the man like having a midget for a girlfriend?

Because she always wanted to go up on him.

***

What's the best thing to do when an epileptic has a seizure in your bathtub?

Toss in the week's laundry.

***

What do you call an epileptic in a field full of romaine lettuce?

A seizure salad.

***

Why did the Siamese twins go to a psychiatrist?

They were codependent.

***

Why did the Siamese twins go to England?

The other one wanted to drive.

***

Did you hear about the dyslexic who tried to commit suicide?

He threw himself behind a train.

***

Why is it a mistake to date necrophiliacs?

They just want you for your body

***

What's the advantage of dating a necrophiliac?

You can be rotten to the core, but he'll still love you.

***

What's the most popular lunch in Mesopotamia?

Kurds and whey, followed by Shi'ite on a shingle, and Iraq of lamb.

***

What did the flasher say to the woman during a cold snap?

"It's fucking freezing, can I just describe myself?"

***

What is white and 12 inches long?

Nothing.

***

What's the difference between dark and hard?

It's stays dark all night.

***

What's the difference between light and hard?

You can sleep with a light on.

***

What's the difference between meat and fish?

You can't beat your fish.

***

What's the definition of a gentleman?

A man who doesn't make his lover suck his dick after he just fucked her in the ass.

***

What's the definition of macho?

Mountain biking home from your own vasectomy.

***

Did you hear about the big-dicked fat kid who went to the costume party wearing only rollerblades?

He went as a pull toy.

***

Did you hear about the pervert who finally got a blind date?

He put sunglasses on his fuck dolly.

***

What's the difference between a man and E.T.?

E.T. will, occasionally, phone home.

***

How do men exercise at the beach?

By sucking in their stomachs every time a blonde in a bikini walks by.

***

Did you hear about the new, all-female delivery company that's going to give the United States Postal Service a run for its money?

It's called UPMS: it delivers whenever it fucking feels like it.

***

What is a "Cinderella 10"?

A woman whose sucks your dick until midnight then turns into a 12 pack of Heineken and a deep dish pepperoni pizza.

***

How can you tell when a woman's cooking sucks?

Amazonian Indians dip their arrows into it.

***

Did you hear about the national female orgasm celebration?

Nine out of 10 participants pretended to celebrate.

***

How can you tell when your girlfriend has gotten too fat?

When she sits on your face and you can't hear the stereo.

***

Name the three most unique things about being a woman?

You can bleed without cutting yourself, you can bury a bone without digging a hole, and you can make a man come without calling him.

***

What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection?

A quarter pounder with cheese.

***

What's the difference between the garbage and an overweight pimple faced girl from New Jersey?

The garbage gets picked up at least once a week.

***

What is the difference between a pussy and a cunt?

A pussy is soft warm and inviting. A cunt is the person who owns it.

***

What's the difference between a hormone and an enzyme?

You can't hear an enzyme.

***

How are Antarctica and a clitoris similar?

Men know where they are, but they don't really give a shit.

***

Why do tampons have strings?

So men can floss after they eat.

***

Why do women have pussies?

So men will talk to them.

***

Why did the army recruit women with PMS to fight in Iraq?

They're pissed, they fight like animals, and they retain water for four days a month.

***

Why does President Bush take Laura everywhere?

So he won't have to kiss her goodbye.

***

Did you hear about the new Al Qaida doll?

Wind it up and it takes GI Joe and Barbie hostage.

***

Did you hear about the new Richard Simmons doll?

Wind, it up and it ignores Barbie and asks Ken out for a drink.

***

What did President Bush say when they asked him to spell Mississippi?

"The state or the river?"

What's the difference between Iraq and Vietnam?

Bush has been to Iraq.

***

What's black and crispy, worshiped regularly and comes on a stick?

Joan of Arc.

***

What do Yoko Ono and starving Ethiopians have in common?

They both live off of dead beetles.

***

Have you seen Woody Allen's latest movie?

Honey, I Fucked the Kid.

***

Have you seen Woody Allen's latest television series?

Make Room for Daddy.

***

Why did Snow White divorce the Prince?

He couldn't get it up unless she was unconscious.

***

What do you get when you cross a great painter with a New Yorker?

Vincent van Gogh Fuck Yourself.

***

Why couldn't Lois Lane get an abortion?

The fetus kept bending the doctor's tools.

***

How come Roseanne never goes to the beach?

Because Greenpeace volunteers keep pushing her back into the ocean.

***

Why can't you ever get Pee Wee Herman's agent on the phone?

Because Pee Wee's been handling himself for quite a few years.

***

Why does Madonna's diet consist mainly of salads?

Because she eats like a rabbit too.

***

What did Madonna say to King Kong?

"Is it in yet?"

***

Why didn't Natalie Wood shower on the houseboat?

She preferred to wash up on shore.

***

What did the Seven Dwarfs say when the Prince married Snow White?

"Hi ho hi ho: I guess its back to jerking off."

***

What is the best way to live longer?

Stop doing everything that makes you want to.

***

"Suzie," asked her second-grade teacher, "if both of your parents were born in 1955 how old would they be today?"

"That depends."

"On what?"

"On whether you ask my mother or my father."

***

"I want my money back. When you sold me the car you said it was a one-owner vehicle," said the angry customer to the car dealer.

"It was a one-owner," said the dealer. "I just didn't mention that the owner was Hertz."

***

"Bank of America is looking for a new teller."

"Didn't they just hire a new teller last week?"

"They sure did. That's the one they're looking for."

***

Who won the Miss Iraq beauty contest?

No one.

***

Did you hear about the worst businessman in the world?

He invested every cent he had in Fredericks of Baghdad.

***

Two drunks are sitting on a park bench. One says to the other, "Is the sun setting or rising?"

"I don't fucking know. I don't live around here."

***

A cop pulled over a drunk driver, "Why are you weaving in and out of traffic like that? You're gonna kill somebody."

"I can't help it, I'm sick?" replied the drunk.

"Sick? What about those three empty wine bottles on the seat next to you? You're drunk."

"I am drunk. And there is no way in hell that you're going to tell me that ain't a fucking sickness."

***

One dummy says to another dummy, "I hear that exercise kills germs."

"How do you get germs to exercise?"

A lady walking through the farmer's market approaches the vegetable stand and says, "These tomatoes are $.69 a pound? Did you raise them yourself?"

"I sure did. They were $.59 yesterday."

***

A judge said, "You are in my court and charged with gambling."

"Yes, Your Honor, I am."

"But you seem familiar to me. Have I seen you before?"

"Yes," said the defendant. "I'm your bookie."

***

How are Santa Claus and a politician similar?

They always promise more than they deliver.

***

A lady passed a bum on Fifth Avenue. "Lady, got any spare change?"

"You lazy filthy bum," she said. "I bet you don't even have a handkerchief."

"Of course I have a handkerchief," he said. "But I don't like loaning it out."

Two women stormed up to the reception desk and said to the hotel clerk, "I thought this was a respectable hotel."

"Something bothering you?" asked the clerk.

"I just saw your maître d' chasing a chambermaid past my room, trying to catch and fondle her."

"Did he catch her and fondle her?"

"No."

"Well then, apparently, we are still a pretty fucking respectable hotel."

***

What's the difference between Jeffrey Dahlmer and President Bush?

Dahlmer butchers humans and Bush butchers the English language.

***

What's the shortest joke in the world?

A baby seal walks into a club....

***

A man from New York is visiting Arkansas. He approaches the hotel clerk and asks, "Does this hotel have a swimming pool?"

"Yes sir, you can use it any time except between six and seven in the evening."

"Why not then?"

"Because that's when we wash the sheets and towels."

***

The commander of Abu Gharib prison took a walking inspection of the 740 Iraqi prisoners under his charge. When he got back to his office he noticed his watch was missing. Convinced that one of the prisoners had taken it he called the commander of the cellblock and told him to look into the situation. The next morning he awoke and stepped into the shower where he discovered his watch was nestled safely in the soap dish. He immediately called the commander of the cellblock, "I've found my watch. You can call off the search."

"Too late," said the commander, "all 740 prisoners have confessed to the crime."

***

What's the best cure for insomnia?

Get plenty of sleep.

***

What's the only problem with telling someone a good joke?

It always reminds them of a bad joke.

***

What's the definition of a jury?

Twelve people who are brought together to decide which side has the best lawyer.

***

What's the definition of awkward?

When you're too old to live off your parents and too young to collect Social Security.

***

One neighbor said to the other, "Will you be using your lawnmower next Saturday?"

"Yes. I will be."

"Great, I need to borrow your pickup."

***

Why can't a man who lives in the United States be buried in Canada?

Because he's not dead, stupid.

How do you know when you're really broke?

When muggers rob you for the practice.

***

"Is this your first trip to Vegas?" said one airline passenger to the other.

"I will have you know that I have played music in all but three night spots in Vegas."

"Why haven't you played in those three?"

"I ran out of quarters."

***

Why did the alcoholic switch from playing the violin to the piano?

Because a beer mug won't slide off a piano.

***

How does a blind skydiver know when he's about to land?

The leash suddenly goes slack.

***

Why don't thieves rob Congressmen's houses?

Professional courtesy.

A cop pulled over a brand-new Mercedes and said, "You were going 80 in a 55. Any reason for that?"

"I'm a United States senator."

"Ignorance is no excuse."

***

Why is it that only 52% of all criminals are sent to prison?

The rest are reelected.

***

"Waiter, the sign out front says, Breakfast Any Time. Is that correct?"

"Yes. Yes it is."

"Great, I will have tomato juice, followed by bacon and eggs and flapjacks during the time of Alexander the Great."

***

"Waitress? Is your chicken smothered in gravy?"

"No, sir I think they just chop their fuckin' heads off."

***

"Waitress what is this foreign object in my soup?"

"That ain't foreign; them things live around here."

***

Two ladies from New York finally took their dream cruise to the Caribbean. While disembarking the Captain thanked them and the first lady said, "The food stunk. The lettuce was wilted, the meat was overdone. The vegetables were soggy, and the dessert was no better than stale Kit Kats."

And the second lady said, "And the portions were so small."

***

How can you tell when a person is very intelligent and well informed?

His opinions agree with yours.

***

After checking into a hotel in Miami, the businessman called the front desk and said, "There is a dead cockroach in my bathroom."

"If it's dead. It can't hurt you," said the clerk.

"It's not the dead one that bothers me, it's the pall bearers."

Why do so few Jewish mothers drink alcohol?

Because it dulls the pain.

***

In the listless heat of summer a fly was resting on a leaf beside a lake. The hot dry fly said, "If I go down six inches, I'll feel the cooling mist from the water."

A fish in the water was thinking, "If that fly goes down six inches I can eat him."

A bear watching from the shore saw what was going on and thought, "If that fly goes down six inches and that fish jumps for the fly, I'll catch the fish and eat him."

A hunter on the far bank of the lake was eating a cheese sandwich. He saw the situation and said to himself, "If that fly goes down six inches that fish will jump for the fly, the bear will snatch the fish; I'll shoot the bear and have a new rug for my den."

A mouse not far from the hunter thought, "If that fly goes down six inches and the fish jumps for the fly and the bear grabs for the fish the hunter will drop his cheese sandwich and shoot the bear. Then I'll have lunch."

A cat lurking in the bushes not far away thought, "If that fly goes down six inches the fish will jump in the air, the bear will grab the fish, the hunter will drop his sandwich and shoot the bear, that mouse will make for the cheese sandwich: then I can pounce on the mouse and eat it for lunch."

So, the fly went down 6 inches.

The fish ate the fly.

The bear grabbed the fish.

The hunter dropped his cheese sandwich and shot the bear.

The mouse grabbed the cheese sandwich.

The cat jumped for the mouse.

The mouse ducked and the cat fell into the water and drowned.

And the moral of this story is: Whenever a fly goes down six inches there is always a pussy somewhere that is in danger.

***

A new hard-ass, ball-breaking CEO is hired by a floundering company. His new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers. The CEO toured the facility and noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know that he means business, and means business right now. The CEO walks up to the guy and says, "How much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised the man looked at the CEO and replied, "I make $300 dollars a week. Why?" The CEO hands the man $1200 in cash and screams, "Here's four weeks severance pay, now get the fuck out, I never want to see you again." Feeling pretty good about his first firing the CEO looks around the room and said, "Can anybody tell me what that asshole did around here?"

One of the secretaries muttered, "He was the pizza delivery guy from Ernie's waiting to be paid."

***

A quality control specialist from NASA is disenchanted with the space program and gets a job in a toy factory. She is assigned to quality control on the Tickle Me Elmo line. Forty-five minutes into her first day, the line comes to a screeching halt. The new quality control boss hustles downstairs and sees 177 Elmo dolls with ping-pong balls hanging between their legs. "What the hell," she said to a worker, "Is going on here?"

"I'm just doing my job," said the assembly line worker.

"Your job," said the quality control specialist "is to give Elmo two test tickles."

***

A man walked into a library with his zipper open. The librarian said to him, "Your barracks door is open."

He winked and said, "Do you see a soldier standing at attention?"

"No. I see was a disabled veteran sitting on two dusty duffel bags."

***

WHY IT'S A GREAT TO BE A MAN

You don't give a shit if the toilet seat is up, down, or missing.

You never have "strap problems" in public.

You don't have to shave below your neck.

Your beer belly hides your big hips.

You have freedom of choice about growing a mustache.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

You can leave the motel bed unmade.

You get extra credit for the most minuscule act of thoughtfulness.

You're not expected to know the names of more than five colors.

You can sit and watch a game with a buddy in silence for hours without thinking: He Must Be Mad At Me.

Phone conversations are 30 seconds flat.

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

The occasional well-rendered-belch is practically expected.

One mood all the goddam time.

You can open your own jars.

You can do Christmas shopping for 52 relatives on December 24th in less than an hour.

AND:

The world is your urinal.

***

Did you hear about the Irishman who lost his luggage at the airport?

The corks fell out.

***

What did Tony Soprano say when he got Alzheimer's disease?

"Feggetaboutwhat?"

***

George Bush is awakened in the middle of the night by a phone call from Dick Cheney. "Mr. President, I have good news and bad news."

"What's the bad news?"

"Earth has been invaded by aliens."

"What's the good news?"

"They eat Democrats and piss oil."

***

What separates three female nymphomaniacs from two male alcoholics?

The door to the cockpit.

***

How are pubic hair and parsley similar?

You push both to the side before you start eating.

***

Where do they post pictures of missing transsexuals?

On cartons of half-and-half.

***

What's the difference between getting stoned in Los Angeles in getting stoned in Iran?

In Los Angeles you get stoned before committing adultery.

***

Why is New Jersey called the Garden State?

Because everybody's guardin' their kids, everybody's guardin' their cars, everybody's guardin' their house.

***

"You say," said the police chief to the rookie cop, "that you saw six young coeds at the unauthorized area down by the river strip naked and start swimming and cavorting in the shallows?"

"Yes sir."

"But you didn't arrest them for swimming in an unauthorized area until after they had stripped naked?"

"I didn't realize there was such a thing as attempted swimming in an unauthorized area."

***

What's the only thing worse than a child molester?

A child molester with a bottle of Viagra.

***

#  LEPERS, CANNIBALS, and MICHAEL JACKSON...

LEPERS:

What's small, green and eventually falls apart?

A leperchaun.

***

Did you hear about the leper who visited the ghetto?

He had his kneecaps stolen.

What did the hooker say to the leper?

Thanks for the tip.

***

What do you call a leper with AIDS?

Trendy.

***

Why'd the leper get arrested for speeding?

He left his foot on the gas.

***

What did the leper say to the whore?

Keep the tip.

***

What did the leper do when he found out he had epilepsy?

He went to pieces.

***

Why are lepers such pathetic poker players?

They are always throwing in their hands.

"I was jerking off," said the leper to the doctor, "and I pulled my penis off."

"We can re-attach it. Where is it?"

"In my jacket pocket." The leper reaches inside his jacket and pulls out a cigar. "Fuck!"

"What?"

"Apparently I smoked my cock on the ride over here."

***

What goes HAHAHA-THUMP?

A leper laughing his head off.

***

Why don't they play hockey at the leper colony?

Because there's always a face off in the corner.

***

Why don't they play baseball at the leper colony?

The outfielders are always dropping balls.

***

Why don't they play football at the leper colony?

There's a handoff on every play.

Why don't they play soccer at the leper colony?

The players were sick and tired of being defeated.

***

A leper developed a holistic approach to treating leprosy. It included, in addition to medical treatment: nutrition, yoga, and meditation. It was too late for him, but he was helping younger lepers live normal lives. Newsweek heard about the breakthrough and sent a reporter to interview him. They met in a diner and started the interview. About five minutes into the interview the reporter started laughing. "Leprosy," said the leper, "is a serious affliction and I don't appreciate your laughing at me."

"I have nothing but respect and admiration for you," said the reporter. "It's just that the kids in the booth behind you keep dipping their French fries in your neck."

***

CANNIBALS:

Have you read the latest cannibal cook book?

How to Best Serve Your Fellow Man.

***

Two cannibals are arguing about how to divide the missionary up evenly. "I'll," said one, "start at the head and eat down. You start at the feet and eat up. We'll meet at the navel."

"Sure."

So the cannibal starts on the head. When he gets to the left shoulder he asks, "How you doing?"

"I'm having a ball."

"Slow down."

***

What did the cannibal get when he arrived late for dinner?

The cold shoulder.

***

What's a Mexican cannibal's favorite food?

Refried beings.

***

What do you call cannibals who eat their mother and father?

Orphans.

***

Did you hear about the cannibal who passed his cousin in the woods?

***

What did the cannibal order at Round Table pizza?

An extra large with everybody on it.

***

Did you hear about the gay cannibal?

He blew his lunch.

***

Every time the cannibal ate a Peace Corps worker he puked. He went to the witch doctor who said, "There's nothing I can do."

"Why?"

"It's just hard to keep a good man down."

***

Why'd the cannibal only eat at Dennys?

Because of the sign: Children ½ price.

***

Two cannibals were having lunch. One said, "I can't stand my fucking mother-in-law."

The other said, "Then just eat the noodles."

***

Two Christian missionaries in Africa are captured by a tribe of cannibals. They place the missionaries in a pot of water and build a huge fire under it. One of the missionary starts laughing uncontrollably. The other says, "I don't see any humor in this situation. What possibly could be so funny?"

"I just shit in their soup."

***

After the wedding banquet, the caterer asked the cannibal chief: "Should I clear the plates?"

"Of course," said the chief. "Everyone's eaten."

***

What's a synonym for cannibal?

Humanitarian.

***

Two cannibals are having lunch. One of them says, "Your wife makes the best meatloaf I've ever had."

The other one says, "Yeah but I'm going to miss her."

***

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"

***

How do cannibals cook politicians?

In a crock pot.

***

MICHAEL JACKSON:

How are Michael Jackson and an Olympic Silver Medalist similar?

They both came in a little behind.

***

What do a bad baseball team and Michael Jackson have in common?

They both wear one glove for no apparent reason.

How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?

From a catalog.

***

What do a white plastic trash bag and Michael Jackson have in common?

One of them is white and harmful to children and the other one is a plastic bag.

***

When is it bedtime in the Jackson house?

When the big hand is on the little hand.

***

Have you heard about the Michael Jackson burger at Burger King?

It's 40 year old meat between 12 year old buns.

***

Have you heard about Michael Jackson's new book?

The Ins and Outs of Child Rearing.

***

Did you hear that Neverland Ranch sold?

The Vatican bought it.

***

How do you know when Michael Jackson throws a party?

All the Big Wheels on the front lawn.

***

Did you hear that Michael Jackson and Tonya Harding bought a horse racetrack?

She does the handicapping and he rides the two year olds.

***

Did you hear about Michael Jackson's new reality show?

It called Queer Eye for the Small Fry.

***

Michael Jackson and his wife's OB-GYN are exiting the delivery room after his wife had just given birth to Michael's son.

"How long before we can have sex?" asked Michael.

The doctor replied, "You should wait until he starts walking."

***

What is Michael Jackson's favorite holiday?

Halloween. They deliver.

***

What's the difference between a 40-something year old woman and Michael Jackson?

She thinks about having children, and Michael Jackson thinks about having children.

***

How many times does 44 go into 12?

I don't know, ask Michael Jackson.

***

What do Michael Jackson and caviar have in common?

They both come on small white crackers.

***

How do you know when you are getting old?

You can remember when Michael Jackson was black.

***

#  LOVE AND MARRIAGE...

A man is so frustrated with women that he falls to his knees and says, "Lord?"

A voice booms, "YES, MY SON?"

"I don't understand women. Why did you make them so beautiful and beguiling?"

"SO THAT YOU WOULD LOVE THEM, MY SON."

"But why did you make them a perfect shape that's so incredible to hold?"

"SO THAT YOU WOULD LOVE THEM, MY SON."

"Yes, but why did you make them so fucking stupid?"

"SO THAT THEY WOULD LOVE YOU, MY SON."

Doris said to her sister, "I have to be extremely careful not to get pregnant."

"But I thought Bill got a vasectomy?"

"Precisely."

***

What's the best thing to do when you see your wife staggering around on your front lawn?

Shoot her again.

***

Why do Jewish husbands die young?

They want to.

***

Why are men smarter when they're making love?

They are plugged into a fucking know-it-all.

***

What do a fat chick and a moped have in common?

They're both fun to ride, but you never want your friends to see you on one.

***

A bride-to-be knows exactly what type of music she wants played at her wedding. She auditions 20 pianists before this musician plays an original composition that is precisely what she was looking for. "That was perfect," she says. "What do you call it?"

He says, "Drive Me to Capistrano Baby, Because That's Where You're Gonna Swallow."

"Yuck. What a nasty title; but it is a beautiful song, play me another." He does and this one is even better. "That's magnificent. What do you call it?"

"Bend Over and Touch Your Ankles Baby—I'm a Backdoor Man."

"You're hired," she says, "but for God's sake don't tell anyone the names of your songs."

The wedding day comes and the guests at the reception are more than impressed with the music. But the pianist has been drinking an ocean of champagne. He has to go to the bathroom and is so drunk he botches the job. He cleans up as best he can and returns to the piano. Halfway there he's stopped by the bride who says, "Do you know there's shit on your shoes and your zipper's down?"

"Know it?" he says. "Bitch, I wrote it."

***

What do you call a couple using the rhythm, will power, or withdrawal methods of birth control?

Parents.

***

A man walks into his bedroom to see his wife sucking this man's cock. "Who the fuck is this?" he screams.

She spits out the guy's dick and says to her husband, "Now that's a fair question." Then to her lover, "What is your name?"

***

A woman told her friend, "I just made my husband a millionaire."

"What was he before?"

"A billionaire."

***

Why do people get married?

So they have someone to blame.

***

What's the difference between a wife and mistress?

About 45 pounds.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?

About 45 minutes.

***

Samantha discontinued sex to answer the phone. When she returned to bed her partner asked, "Who was that?"

"My husband."

"What does he want?"

"He just wanted to tell me he'll be home late because he went bowling with you."

***

A man propositions a hooker. He offers $10. She insists on $50. That's too steep for him so he decides to go home to his wife. They fuck and then walk down to the local bar for a drink. They pass the hooker who says, "See what a lousy $10 gets you?"

***

A husband said, "I've devised a new sexual position that will save our marriage."

The wife said, "What is it?"

"Back-to-back."

"It's impossible to have sex back-to-back."

"Sure we can. I've persuaded the new neighbors to join us."

***

At a divorce recovery workshop a man stands up and says, "My ex-wife is a decent, honest person and a great mother to our children. But I'm into kinky sex—I mean the kinkier the better—and she was a straight lay. It put our marriage under so much strain it fell apart."

A lady stands up and says, "Same with me. And I live around the corner."

So they leave and go to her place. They do some kissy-face and get naked on the couch and she says, "I'm ready."

"Me too."

She runs to her bedroom and assembles all her gear: leather bra and thong, whip and handcuffs, nipple clips and a battery powered dildo that could propel a bass boat. She returns to the living room and sees him dressed and leaving. "Hey! Where are you going? I thought you liked it kinky?"

He says, "Lady, I just fucked your cat and shit in your purse, what the hell do you want?"

***

The boyfriend entered the room cautiously, "Sir, I feel nervous asking you this but may I—"

"Marry my daughter? Certainly."

"No," he said, "I need to borrow $2500."

"Get the fuck out, I hardly know you."

***

What's better than honor?

Inner.

***

Why'd the female contortionist never get married?

All the guys thought she'd break it off.

***

Why do women have periods?

Because they deserve them.

***

After making love the bride slapped her husband's face. "What was that for?" he asked.

"For being a lousy fucking lover."

He slapped her back. "What was that for?" she asked.

"For knowing the difference."

***

The newlyweds entered the hotel. Overwhelmed by the sheer splendor of the place the bride said, "This place is magnificent; I really don't know what I could possibly wear tonight."

The groom said, "You're putting me on."

***

What's the definition of confidence?

Your wife finds you in bed with another woman and you slap her on the ass and say, "You're next bitch."

***

How can you tell when a man's had an orgasm?

From the snoring.

***

A man and a woman at a Christmas party go upstairs for a quickie in the darkened coat room. He puts it to her, shoots his wad in thirty seconds, and says, "God you're tight. If I'd known you were a virgin, I would've taken my time."

"If I'd known you had time," she says, "I'd have taken off my pantyhose."

***

After a long, passionate night of sucking and fucking the guy rolled over and noticed a framed picture of another man on the nightstand. He began to worry. "Is this your husband?"

"No silly."

"Your boyfriend?"

"No. Not at all."

"Who is he?"

"That's me before the surgery."

***

A man is fucking a married woman when they hear her husband enter downstairs. "Go into my son's bedroom and hide in the closet. Quick."

The man grabs his clothes and stumbles down the hall to the son's room. He hastily gets dressed and steps inside the closet, pulling the door shut behind him. He hears a young voice, "Boy, it sure is dark in here!"

"Shhh!"

"I said: Boy, it sure is dark in here!"

"Shhh!"

"I know you were in bed with my mommy, that's why I was hiding in the closet. If you don't buy this baseball bat for $200. I'm gonna tell my daddy."

"Two hundred bucks for a baseball bat? You're outta your mind, kid."

"Buy it or I'll scream."

"You sure are a greedy little bastard, but you got me by the balls." The man dug in his wallet and pulled out $200. Then he told the kid, "You shut the fuck up until I get out of this house."

That Saturday dad said to his son, "Let's go play some baseball in the backyard."

"I'd love to dad, but I sold my baseball bat."

"Sold your baseball bat? What did you get for it?"

"Two hundred bucks."

"Two hundred bucks for that piece of shit baseball bat? I'm afraid you've taken advantage of somebody. I want you to go down to the church right now and confess your sins."

So the kid walks down to the church and enters the confessional. The priest slides back the little window and the kid says, "Boy, it sure is dark in here!"

The priest says, "Please, don't start that shit again, kid."

***

Two soccer moms are gossiping while waiting to pick up their children from school. "I saw her husband at the amusement park and I hate to tell you this Marge, but he's drinking again."

"Why do you say that?"

"He got out the roller coaster, puked in the seat and said to the guy who ran the ride, 'I think I took the wrong bus again.'"

***

"Honey," said the man, "I love you. You're always there when I call, you always want to go out, you're beautiful and you're the best and most adventurous fuck I've ever had."

"Thanks."

"But every time we go out it costs me $500. What's up with that?"

"I'm a hooker."

***

Jane confides to her best friend after four Bloody Marys: "Bob was in such an odd mood last night. We planned to meet at a bar across town for a cocktail. I spent the afternoon shopping with the girls and I thought it might have been my fault because I was later than I promised, but he didn't say anything about it. I really don't remember doing anything to make him upset.

"We finished our drinks and ordered another round, but he was still acting a bit funny. I was getting worried; what was bothering him? Why was he mad at me? Is it me or something else? I asked him if he was upset with me, but he said no. In the car on the way back home, I said that I loved him and he put his arm around me. I didn't know what the hell that meant because, you know, he didn't say it back to me. We finally got home and I was wondering, for the first time in our marriage, if there were someone else. So I tried to get him to talk but he just turned on the t.v. Reluctantly, I said I was going to bed. Then after about 10 minutes, he joined me and to my surprise, we made passionate love. But still, he seemed distracted. I wanted to confront him, but didn't. So I cried myself to sleep. I don't know what to do anymore. I really think he's seeing someone else." Jane pays, tips and leaves.

Bob confides to his best friend after five beers: "I missed a fucking ten point buck yesterday. He was standing in a clearing and I had three shots. Jesus Christ, I shoot like a drunk fucking monkey! I felt pissed all day. Man, that really got me down. I fucking blew the chance of a fucking lifetime. But what the hell, at least I got laid."

A man with two more or more wives is called a bigamist, but what do you call a man with two or more ugly wives?

A pigamist.

***

A struggling young couple decides that in order to save money he has to, following sex, drop some money in the piggy bank. After a month they bust it open and it contains $1200 dollars. "I don't," he says, "remember putting in any $50s or $100s."

"Honey, not everyone is as cheap as you are."

***

"Here's a hundred bucks," says the man to the hooker. "I want you to give me the sloppiest, most inept, least enthusiastic blow job ever."

"For a hundred," she says, "I could give you the best."

"But," he says, "I'm not horny. I'm homesick."

***

A man fixing a flat in a blizzard returns to the car to warm his hands. His wife has hiked up her skirt and removed her panties and suggests he warm his hands by placing them between her thighs. He does and it works nicely. Back out into the blizzard he returns again to warm his hands; then out again into the blizzard. "Done with the tire," he says.

"But," his wife says, "I bet your ears are freezing."

***

What's the best way to always remember your wife's birthday?

Forget it once.

***

Why is marriage like a three-ring circus?

Engagement ring.

Wedding ring.

Suffering.

***

Why hadn't the man spoken to his wife for three years?

He didn't want to interrupt her.

***

What do they call it when a woman has more than one husband?

Insanity.

***

What's the worst thing about bigamy?

You get two mothers-in-law.

***

What do you call a woman with no asshole?

Divorced.

***

A man and woman who've never previously met find themselves sharing a sleeping compartment on a train. The woman, top bunk, says, "Could I trouble you to get me another blanket? I'm freezing."

"I have a better idea," says the man. "Let's pretend we're married."

After a pause she says, "Okay."

"Really?"

"Yes. I'd like that."

"Then go get your own fucking blanket."

***

The intervention counselor asked the husband, "Why on God's earth did you throw apples at your wife during your fight last night?"

He replied, "Because coconuts are out of season."

***

What three words does a man hate to hear while he's fucking?

"Darling, I'm home."

***

Why are hangovers better than women?

Hangovers go away.

***

What's the difference between a woman and a jar of peanut butter?

It doesn't take three martinis and a $110 dinner to open a jar of peanut butter.

***

Why do guys who have been married 20 years love to eat their wife's pussy?

Because it doesn't talk back.

A plane crashes and the survivors, five guys and one girl are marooned on a Pacific island. After a week, the girl is so ashamed of her sexual depravity that she kills herself.

A week goes by, and the guys are so ashamed of their sexual activities that they bury her.

Another week passes and the guys are now so ashamed that they dig her back up.

***

Einstein climbs in bed with his wife. She's tired and drifts off to sleep, while he stays up reading a book. Periodically, he reaches over and inserts his index finger into her cunt. After about an hour of this she wakes up and says, "Stop teasing me!"

"I'm not teasing. I'm wetting my finger so I can turn the page."

***

Dave's pride and joy was his vintage BMW motorcycle that he had inherited from his grandfather. His grandfather admonished him to keep the bike spotless at all times and when it started raining to smear Vaseline on the gas tank and fenders so they wouldn't weather. Wherever he went he toted a big tube of Vaseline with him just in case it started raining. His new girlfriend Petunia finally invited Dave to her house for dinner and to meet the family. They hopped on the BMW and drove to Petunia's parents' house. As he parked the bike, she said, "My family is kind of weird. Anyone who talks at the dinner table has to do the dishes."

"No sweat," said Dave. But when they got to the house he saw a huge pile of dishes in the sink. Apparently, nobody had spoken at the dinner table for about a year. So the dinner progressed in absolute silence. Dave figured, "What the hell. I'm horny and they're strange." So he grabbed Petunia, ripped her clothes off and fucked her right there on the kitchen floor.

Nobody said a word.

Petunia's mother was a tight looking MILF. So Dave, silently, pulled her pants down, bent her over the sink and did her doggy style. Not a word was spoken as Dave pounded away on the mother. Then he noticed it had started raining. He pulled out his still erect cock and rummaged in his jacket pocket for the tube of Vaseline so he could weatherproof the fenders and gas tank on his beloved BMW.

"Alright alright," said Petunia's dad. "I'll do the fucking dishes."

***

What should you do if your wife tells you she faked her orgasm?

Pretend you didn't hear her.

***

What's the best part about a blow job?

10 minutes of peace and quiet.

***

"Great," said the hunchback, as his wife pulled out the wok, "we're having Chinese food."

"We're having leftovers," said his wife. "I'm just ironing your shirts."

***

A hunter stumbled upon a beautiful woman sunbathing naked in a clearing. He walked up to her smiled and said, "Are you game?"

"For a stud like you, certainly."

So he shot her.

***

Two suburban couples decided to engage in some conjugal mate swapping. The trade was arranged and after two-and-a-half hours of orgasmic bliss one of the wives said, "I wonder how the boys are doing?"

***

"Get this," says the husband to his wife, "the building superintendent just told me he's fucked every women in the building except one."

"Hmmm," says the wife, "must be that Goldfarb bitch up on the seventh floor."

***

On their morning walk Marge says to Maude, "My husband beats me up every morning."

"That's terrible."

"I know. I'm going to have to start setting the alarm."

***

What happened to the Eskimo who rubbed noses with everybody?

She contracted snyphilis.

***

Name three things that men love that began with the letter "m"?

Mother, money, and mmmm...pussy.

***

Why are fat chicks so proficient at sucking cocks?

They'll put anything in their mouths.

***

Eli Whitney said to his wife, "I've just invented the cotton gin."

She said, "Who the fuck wants a fluffy martini?"

***

Why did God give men more intelligence than horses?

So they wouldn't shit during parades.

***

Marge opens the Sunday paper and screams to her husband, "Pack your clothes I just won the lottery!"

"Winter or summer clothes? Where are we going?"

"All your clothes. Your sorry ass is outta here."

A young woman is at the grocery check out. The cashier rings up seven t.v. dinners, some Oreos, three apples and a six-pack of Old Milwaukee. The cashier says to the young lady, "You're single aren't you?"

"Oh, because of the t.v. dinners?"

"No. Because you are fucking ugly."

***

A man arrested for a DUI is thrown into a cell with a hardened criminal who says to the newcomer, "Good. Fresh meat."

The rookie prisoner says, "Is everything I've heard about prison true?"

"Yeah. But since it's your first time I'll let you choose if you want to be the husband or the wife."

"Well, if I have to do it, I'll be the husband."

"Good choice. Now get over here and suck your wife's dick."

***

A woman says, after having sex for the first time with her new boyfriend, "You are a bum fuck."

He says, "How would you know after only twenty-two seconds?"

***

A family left St. Louis for the gold fields of California in a wagon pulled by two oxen. The man drove the oxen relentlessly. "Let them rest," said his wife.

He waved away the suggestion and continued.

When the left ox faltered the man hopped down from the wagon, approached the faltering ox and said, "That's one."

They continued until the left ox faltered again. The man hopped down from the wagon and said to the weary ox, "That's two."

"Let them rest," said his wife.

He waved away the suggestion and continued.

The left ox finally collapsed and the man hopped down and said, "That's three." Then he shot the ox in the head.

"What did you do that for?" said his wife.

The man said to her, "That's one."

***

What happens to women who wear the pants in the family?

They usually discover that another woman is wearing the fur.

***

A father is standing over his infant daughter as she sleeps in her new crib. He has this look of awe and wonder on his face. His wife sneaks up behind him and says, "Awesome, isn't she?"

"Yeah, I don't know how anyone could possibly sell a crib with workmanship like this for under $100."

***

American Airlines ran a promotion where wives fly for half-off when they accompany their husbands on business trips. The airlines followed up the promotion by sending a questionnaire to the wives asking how they enjoyed their trip. The most common response was, "What trip?"

***

After the birth of his fourth daughter, John didn't seem right. His wife asked, "What's wrong?"

"I just wanted a son. I wanted an offspring with a penis."

"Don't worry, John. I'm certain she'll have all the cocks she wants in about sixteen years."

***

What is the definition of "Making Love"?

What a chick does when a guy's fucking her.

***

"When will you get married Suzanne?"

"When the right man comes along. Stop bugging me, mom."

"But you're 30, you've never been engaged, you've never had a steady boyfriend. When are you going to get married Suzanne?"

One day, Suzanne comes home with rice in her hair. Her mother is overjoyed, "You got married! Congratulations Susan."

"I'm not married. I was sucking this Korean's dick and he threw up in my hair."

***

How do you know when your wife is cheating on you?

You test drive a used car for your teenaged son and find her panties in the back seat.

***

How are men and ice chests similar?

You can load them with beer and take them anywhere.

How are men and mascara similar?

They both run at the first sign of emotion.

***

How are men and government bonds similar?

They both take forever to mature.

***

A mother and her daughter are walking through Central Park. The girl says, "Mother, when will I be old enough to start douching?"

"Why don't you ask the four seagulls and two pigeons following you?"

***

"I need to buy my girlfriend some gloves," said the young man to the sales lady, "but I don't know what size she wears."

The sales lady smiled and extended her hand for the man to grasp. "Bigger? Smaller? Or just right?"

"Just right. Thanks."

She tossed him a pair of size four gloves. "Anything else?"

"Yeah, I think she needs some bras."

***

A salesman flies to Vegas for a convention. He's approached by a hooker who says, "I'm selling." They strike a bargain and do the big nasty. When he returns home he discovers he's contracted gonorrhea. He's on medication for the rest of the year. But the convention rolls around and he flies back to Vegas. Same street corner, same hooker who says again, "I'm selling."

He says, "What are you selling this year, cancer?"

***

After being fired the maid retorts, "Your husband considers me a better cook and housekeeper than you, Madame. And I know I'm better in bed."

"I suppose he told you that as well?"

"No. Your son did."

***

What's the most effective birth control device for a female?

An aspirin...held firmly between the knees.

***

What's the second most effective birth control device for a female?

No make up.

What's the most effective birth control device for a male?

A pebble in his shoe. It makes him limp.

***

What's the second most effective birth control device for a male?

A pay cut.

***

Why did Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver get married?

So they could breed the first bulletproof Kennedy.

***

After a hard fought tennis match at the club the guys had a steam and a massage. They were dressing when Bob started pulling on a pair of panty hose. "When," said Bill, "did you start wearing those?"

"Right after my wife found them in my glove compartment."

***

"What are the grounds for divorce?" asked the judge.

"Cruel and unusual punishment," said Mrs. Smith. "Every night he ties me up and makes me sing God Bless America, while he pisses all over my face."

"That is sick," said the judge.

"I know," said Mrs. Smith. "He knows how much I hate that song."

***

"I had the strangest dream last night," said Doris to her husband Bob on Christmas morning. "I dreamed we had a beautiful Christmas tree in our bedroom and on top, instead of a star there was a perfect penis."

"Was it mine?" asked Bob.

Doris laughed sarcastically, "I said the perfect penis."

Bob said, "Ironically. I had a similar dream. I dreamed we had a beautiful Christmas tree in our bedroom and on top was the perfectly shaped pussy."

"Was it mine?"

"No," said Bob. "Yours was holding up the tree."

***

The captain of the Italian Olympic swim team fell in love. In order to impress his new girlfriend he hopped in the hotel pool and swam a flawless 200 meter Individual Medley. She hopped in right after him and beat his time. "I've never seen you compete. Who do you swim for?"

"I'm not a swimmer," she said, "I'm a prostitute from Venice."

***

"You came home from work, found your wife sucking a strange man's dick. Then you pulled out a pistol and shot your wife. Is that correct?"

"Yes Judge, it is."

"Just out of curiosity, why did you shoot your wife, and not her lover?"

"I figured getting the bitch out of the way would be easier than shooting a man every other day."

***

Ron's twin brother Don was visiting town when a terrible snowstorm hit, knocking out all the power. Ron's wife suggests that they all sleep together for warmth. So they all huddle together in the king size bed. When Ron falls asleep his wife says, "Don? I've always wanted to fuck you."

"But Ron's right here."

"He sleeps like a rock. Watch." She reaches over and plucks a hair from his ass.

And they fuck.

"That was fantastic," says the wife, "do it again?"

"We'll wake Ron."

"Watch." She reaches over and plucks another hair from his ass.

And they fuck.

"I've got to have you one more time."

"We'll wake Ron."

"Watch." She reaches over and plucks another hair from his ass.

Ron sits up and says, "I really don't mind the fact that you're fucking my brother, but would you please stop using my ass for a scoreboard?"

***

A coed is modeling her new bathing suit for her mother. "Do you like it?" she asks.

"If I wore that suit at your age, you'd be four years older."

***

A man visited the drugstore and asked for the most powerful love stimulant on the market. The druggist gave him three tablets and warned him that his dick would be harder than a telephone pole. "That's okay," he said, "I have three hookers coming over tonight."

The next day the man returned and said, "What do you have to soothe raw flesh?"

"Your cock?"

"No, my hand. The bitches didn't show."

***

A man brought his golfing buddy home to get something to eat. He walks in and his wife is fucking the UPS guy on the living room couch. The man and his friend walk to the kitchen and the husband calmly starts making two sandwiches. "What about the UPS guy?" asks the friend.

"Fuck him, he can make his own sandwich."

***

A Texas millionaire marries a young jet setter from Britain. They move to England and he starts going to the opera, learning about which fork to use with which course, etc. After every new adventure they relax with a couple of martinis and she lovingly critiques whatever lapse in the social graces he may have, that day, committed. After his first fox hunt he says, "Well, Baby, how'd I do today?"

"Splendidly. Except when you see a fox, you must say Tallyho, a fox and not: There goes the dirty little motherfucker."

***

The cab driver said, "Monsieur, we are now passing the most famous whorehouse in Paris."

The American in the back seat said, "Why?"

***

"Accused," said the judge, "of assault on your husband."

"But he called me a two-bit whore."

"But you put him in intensive care, what did you hit him with?"

"A sack of quarters."

***

What's the definition of a wife?

An expensive attachment you screw on a bed to get the housework done.

***

When do you know it's time to stop fucking your wife doggy style?

When she starts chasing cars.

***

What is a man's idea helping with the housework?

Lifting his feet his feet so the bitch can vacuum.

***

What type of food diminishes a woman's sexual drive by 75%?

Wedding cake.

***

What's the best way to clean out a condom?

Hold it firmly between two fingers and shake the fuck out of it.

***

How can you tell when your wife has been masturbating with carrots and cucumbers?

When the salad comes, so does she.

***

"Honey," said the husband to his wife, "my hair is falling out. What could I use to keep it in?"

"A shoebox?"

***

"The doctor," she said to her husband, "that I visited today, told me I have the breasts of a 20 year old."

"What did he say about your 45 year old-flabby-fucking-good-for-nothing-ass?"

"Actually, he didn't mention you."

***

"Let's go out tonight and have some fun," said the husband to his wife.

"Great idea," she said, "if you get home before I do, leave the porch light on."

***

How did Mr. Johnson realize he had a fantastic sperm count?

Because Mrs. Johnson had to chew before she swallowed.

***

How are a pussy and a Florida orange similar?

The good ones squirt when you eat them.

***

Saul says to his wife, "How about a quickie?"

Rachel replies, "As opposed to what?"

***

When did the man who had been married 45 years realize that he'd been masturbating too much?

He fucked his wife and it felt like he was cheating on himself.

***

Why was there a picture of his ex-wife on the divorced guy's t.v.?

To remind him where his DVD player went.

***

How are wives and blenders similar?

Everybody says need one, but you are not really quite sure why.

***

How do you know when you'll probably get laid on the first date?

When you ask the girl to dance and she climbs up on the table.

***

How are a wife and a dirty diaper similar?

Because both are all over your ass and full of shit.

***

Why do female spiders eat male spiders after they fuck?

So they don't have to listen to them snore.

***

What do you call the lump of flesh at the end of the penis?

A man.

***

What do you call the excess flesh on the outside of the vaginal labia?

A woman.

What do a clitoris, a toilet, and a wedding anniversary have in common?

Men miss them all.

***

A guy goes down on a hooker and comes up with a mouthful of French fries and a half chewed Big Mac. "Jesus, lady are you sick or something?"

"No, but I think the guy before you might have been."

***

What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws?

Outlaws are wanted.

***

How are a condom and a wife similar?

They both spend too much time in your wallet and not enough time on your cock.

***

A Boy Scout gets picked up by a horny pedophile. She takes him upstairs, drops her skirt, removes her panties, flops back on the bed and spreads her legs. He points at her worn-and-tainted love muffin and says, "What's that thing?"

"It's my downstairs mouth."

"What do you mean your downstairs mouth?"

"It's got lips and a mustache. It's my downstairs mouth."

"Does it have a tongue in it?"

"Not yet sonny boy. Not yet."

***

Why are divorces so expensive?

Because they are worth it

***

Pinocchio's girlfriend says to him, "This sucks. Every time we make love I get splinters in my pussy."

Pinocchio voices the complaint to Gephetto who says, "Sandpaper my boy, sandpaper. All you need sandpaper." A week later he asks Pinocchio, "How are the girl problems, Pinocchio?"

"Who needs those fucking cunts? Sandpaper, Gephetto, sandpaper!"

***

A man returns home early from a business trip and finds his wife in bed naked. There is a cigar smoldering in the ashtray. He asks, "Where the hell did that cigar come from?"

A muffled voice in the closet says, "Cuba."

***

While eating at a diner's counter a trucker let out a resounding fart. The man sitting next to him said, "You pig. How dare you fart like that in front of my wife!"

"Sorry," said the trucker. "I didn't realize it was her turn."

***

How did the stockbroker's wife tell her husband that she'd been cheating on him?

"I've gone public."

***

A man was sentenced to six years in jail for vehicular manslaughter. During the sentence his wife remained faithful. On the day of his release she was hot, horny and ready to do it. She couldn't wait until they arrived back home so she pulled into the first motel she passed. They entered the room and immediately ripped off each other's clothes. "How do you want to do it baby?" she asked.

"I want two things."

"Anything."

"I want you on all fours and I'm going to fuck you up the ass."

"What's the second thing?"

"Can I call you Doug?"

***

What's the difference between love and insanity?

Insanity lasts forever.

***

Why is sex with a condom like bungee jumping?

If the rubber breaks, you're fucked.

***

What's one definition of a perfect marriage?

Your wife and your housekeeper come a couple times a week.

***

What's another name for a condom?

A round-the-cock protection.

***

How are men and toilets similar?

Both are either taken or full of shit.

***

A couple steps up to the desk clerk, "My wife and I would like a room."

"I'm sorry. But the only available room's bathroom is being remodeled. There's no running water."

"Sweetheart," he says, "is that okay with you?"

She shrugs and says, "Whatever you say mister."

***

A couple is walking through the park when they see a couple kissing on a park bench. "Why," says the wife, "can't you be more like that?"

"I don't even know her."

***

Frank was reading the morning paper when he came across an article about a football player, renowned for his stupidity, who was marrying a beautiful actress. "Why do all the stupid fuckers get all the great looking women?"

"Thanks," says his wife, "what a nice thing to say."

***

A man insisted on getting married even though both he and his fiancée were unemployed. He said, "We'll live on love alone." So they get hitched and neither can find a job. One day after another long, fruitless job hunt he returns to the boarding house where they live and he hears wild clapping and screaming in the dining room. He enters to see his wife, naked, running up the stairs, straddling the banister and sliding down bareass. This act delights the male boarders. She runs up the stairs again and he screams from the bottom, "What the hell do you think you're doing?"

"Remember you said we were going to live on love alone?"

"Yeah."

"I'm heating up your dinner."

***

Michelle Obama is not satisfied with Barack's last few sexual performances and she mentions something to him. So Barack asks Tiger Woods for some tips. Tiger tells him to start off with oral sex, first swirling your tongue to the left, then the right, and repeat that three times before you stick your dick in.

That night Michelle goes to bed first and Barack sneaks in under the covers. Three tongue swirls to the left; three to the right; but before Barack can get it into Michelle, she says, "Is that you, Tiger?"

***

At his 30 year class reunion a man bumps into his high school sweetheart and says, "How you doing?"

"I've just had a hysterectomy."

"That's too bad."

"But the doctor did find your class ring."

***

A man stuck his hand out the window to check if it's raining and catches a glass eyeball. He looks up and sees a beautiful girl hanging out a window, "Is this yours?" he yells.

"Yes. Apartment 37 d."

"I'll bring it up."

He arrives at 37 d. She opens the door stark naked. She pops her eye in, drops to her knees and starts sucking his dick. "Wow," he says, "do you treat all guys this way?"

"No," she mumbles, "just the ones that catch my eye."

***

An avid, extremely rich, fisherman marries an older, dowdy, overweight woman. They honeymoon at a posh resort in Tahiti, voted one of the most romantic getaways in the world. As soon as they land, at dusk, he arranges for a night fishing expedition. She dines, alone and content, with a book. She sleeps in, but he's up at dawn; hiking into the mountains for some fly fishing. She takes a taxi into town at noon; while he sleeps, she shops. He awakes at 4:00 p.m., has breakfast for dinner and goes night fishing again. This goes on, like clockwork, for their entire two week stay. Checking out, the concierge asks the wealthy fisherman, "How was your stay?"

"Fucking brilliant. Thanks." And he slips him $500.

"If I may be personal?"

"Certainly."

The concierge says, "This is the most romantic place on earth. In two weeks you and your wife haven't shared a meal or a bed. You are young, rich, handsome. She belongs in a trailer park. I am mystified why you are together."

He nods twice, and says: "You know how much I like fishing?"

"Oh yes."

He whispered, "She's got worms."

***

A nervous young man the night before his wedding said to his father, "I'm a virgin; I really don't know what to tomorrow night."

"It's easy. Just take that thing you used to play with as a child and put it were your wife pees."

So he got his old GI Joe and threw it in the toilet.

***

"Please deliver the moped," said Ron to the salesman, "with a note that says, Happy Birthday from your Husband."

"A little surprise for the wife?" asked the clerk.

"Hell yes, she's expecting a Mercedes."

***

A mother advised her soon-to-be-wed daughter, "Always wear an item of clothing to bed, darling. It'll keep the mystery alive."

Two weeks into their marriage, following another glorious bout of love making, her husband said, "Is there any history of mental disease in your family?"

"No. Why?"

"Because you keep wearing those earmuffs to bed."

***

A woman responded to a personal ad that used the phrase "World's Greatest Lover" several times. She responded and the next day was all a-flutter as the doorbell rang. She stripped down to bra and panties and answered the door. At the door was a young man in a motorized wheelchair much like Stephen Hawking's. He said, "I see you're ready for the world's greatest lover."

"But you're paralyzed, you can't even use your arms..."

"Lady, how do you think I rang the fucking doorbell?"

***

Preoccupied with business, Mr. Godolphin had not made love to his wife for over six months. In order to pique his interest his wife went out and purchased a pair of crotchless panties. When he came home from work that night she lay naked, except for the crotchless panties, on the couch in the front room. He entered the room and she said, "You want some of this pussy?"

"Hell no. Look what it did to your underwear. "

***

A man wakes up in the middle of the night with a raging boner and says to his wife, "Get over here and suck this."

"Let me go to the bathroom first."

"Okay."

On the way to the bathroom she trips over the throw rug and falls. The husband says, "Is my little baby all right? You didn't hurt yourself did you? Did you? Oh, my baby will be okay." She shits, returns to bed and performs incredible oral sex on her husband. She gets out of bed, again to go to the bathroom, and trips again, falling to her knees. Her husband says, "You clumsy fucking cunt."

***

"If I die before you, will you ride with my mother," said Barbara to her husband, "on the way to my funeral?"

"Of course I will," said Brad. "But it's gonna fuck up my entire day."

***

"We're going to have fun tonight," said Karl to Mary, "I got three tickets to the concert."

"Why three?" asked Mary.

"They are for your parents and your little brother."

***

A man and his wife are married for a year. One day she's cleaning and discovers a box with 3 empty beer bottles and $445. She asks, "How odd, Bill. Money and beer bottles? Why?"

"Everytime I think about having sex with another woman I put a bottle in the box."

"Only three times in a year. I'm flattered; but what about the money?"

"When the box is filled with empties I cash them in."

***

A man came home from work to find his beautiful wife naked, on her knees in the foyer. She gave him a wonderful blow job, and as he moaned and came down her throat he said, "What'd you back the car into this time?"

***

The husband climbed into bed and started fondling his wife. She pushed him away saying, "I have a headache."

"That's why," he says, "I was just in the bathroom powdering my cock with aspirin."

***

When do Jewish men stop masturbating?

When their wives die.

***

What's the difference between a wife and abject poverty?

Abject poverty sucks.

***

Why were the midget and the fat lady so deliriously happy together?

She let him try out a new wrinkle every night.

***

The drunken husband didn't make it home until 6:00 a.m. "You'd better," said his wife, "have a good goddam reason for coming home at this hour."

"I do," he said as he sat down at the kitchen table. "Breakfast."

***

Returning from WWII the GI tried to impress his eternally bitchy wife with the French he had learned. He entered the house and said, "Je t'adore!"

She said, "Shut the door yourself, you lazy asshole."

***

At the bachelor party the groom's father stood and toasted: "To my oldest son on the happiest day of his life."

"But," said the groom, "I'm not getting married until tomorrow."

Dad said, "I repeat: To my oldest son on the happiest day of his life."

***

"I want," says the wife, "a boob job."

"Too expensive," says the husband, "just rub them old titties with toilet paper."

"What good will that do?"

"Look what it's done to your ass."

***

One California surfer dude said to another, "I can't get my girlfriend's mother out of my life."

"Tell her to move the hell out."

"I would, but she owns the house."

***

"You have testified," said the judge "that you were run over at midnight, in a blinding snowstorm and yet you're absolutely certain it was your mother-in-law driving the car?"

"That's correct, Your Honor."

"These are serious charges. How can you be so sure?"

"I recognized her cackle."

"This is just a formality," said the young man, "but I've come to ask for your daughter's hand in marriage."

"Who the hell," said the father, "told you this was just a formality?"

"Your daughter's obstetrician."

***

"What am I going to do?" said the grieving widower, "What am I going to do? What am I going to do?"

His best friend said, "You'll find someone else, don't take it so hard."

"I know that. But what am I going to do tonight."

***

What do tile floors and men have in common?

If you lay them right the first time you can walk all over them for about 20 years.

***

A lady walks into a butcher shop and says, "Two loin chops, a pound of hamburger, a chicken, and some dog bones for my husband."

The butcher says, "Dog bones for your husband? That's terrible. All fat, no nutrition. You'll give him a heart attack."

"It's all he eats. He loves them."

For three years it's the same order: "Two loin chops, a pound of hamburger, a chicken, and some dog bones for my husband."

Then one day she walks in and says, "Two loin chops, a pound of hamburger, and a chicken."

"No dog bones?"

"No. My husband died last week."

"Heart attack?"

"No. He broke his neck trying to lick his balls."

***

Why do honeymoons only last a week?

Because seven days make a hole weak.

***

Harry has to work a double shift as a department store Santa. He's so busy that he can't get to a phone so he asks his boss to stop by and tell his wife he won't be home until 9:00 p.m.

The boss stops by after work and says to Harry's wife, "I know you're having money problems."

"Yeah. Terrible problems. We might lose the house. That's why Harry took the job as Santa."

"Tell you what. I'll give you $350 if you suck my dick."

"Harry can never find out."

"I'll never tell a soul."

He drops the cash on the counter. She kneels, pulls out the trouser trout and starts bobbing and slurping.

Harry arrives home later and says, "Did my boss stop by to tell you I'd be late?"

"Yes."

"Good. And did he drop off my $350 Christmas bonus?"

***

"I have a unique problem while traveling," says Brad.

"How may I help you?" replies the travel agent.

"I vacationed in Italy and my wife got pregnant. I vacationed in Argentina and my wife got pregnant. I vacationed in New Zealand and my wife got pregnant. I don't know what to do."

"Maybe you should purchase some condoms?"

"Either that, or I'll just take her with me this time."

***

Two Irishman, Sean and Mike, had grown up together. And of course, when Mike decided to get married it was a foregone conclusion that Sean would be his best man. Following the wedding the booze flowed like water, and everyone imbibed freely. Mike walked into the bathroom, and there he saw his new wife and Sean sucking and fucking like little bunny rabbits. Instead of anger or disbelief, Mike started laughing. His new bride said, "I know what I'm doing is wrong, but I at least imagined you'd be angry instead of tickled pink."

"What you're doing is all right," said Mike. "It's just quite amusing to me that Sean is so drunk he thinks he's me."

***

Two Irish sisters, Mary and Molly, are working in the garden when Mary yanks this huge carrot out of the ground. She says, "My God, this carrot reminds me of my husband Seamus."

"The size of it?" asked Molly.

"No. The dirt all over it."

***

Why is a bachelor skinny and a married man fat?

A bachelor comes home, looks in the fridge and goes to bed. The married man comes home, takes one look at what's in bed and goes to the refrigerator.

During frantic last minute dinner preparations a woman discovers she hasn't any escargot. So she sends her husband down to the creek to find some snails. He grabs a bucket and when he arrives at the creek he sees three women skinny-dipping. He's invited into the water and gymnastic, aquatic sexual congress ensues. Exhausted, he lies down and falls asleep. He wakes after midnight knowing he's in a world of shit. He scoops up a bucket of snails and sprints home. He trips on the porch steps and snails fly everywhere. The porch light snaps on and his wife emerges, "Where the hell have you been?"

The man doesn't answer; he turns to the snails and says, "We're almost there guys. Almost there!"

***

The young lady rushed into the living room and said to her father, "Chuck asked me to marry him."

"Congratulations."

"But I told them I just couldn't leave you and mom."

"I'll be fine," he said. "You can take your mother with you."

***

The waiter asked the couple on their first date what they wanted to eat. The lady said, "I'll start with the oysters, then French onion soup, a Caesar salad, rack of lamb, a lobster tail, and start preparing a chocolate soufflé for dessert."

"Jesus," said the man, "do you eat like this at home?"

"No," she said. "But no one at home is going to lick my pussy and fuck me for an hour."

***

Mom says to dad, "Your son is up in his room masturbating. You go talk to him right now."

Dad walks upstairs and enters the boy's room, "Son, masturbating will make you blind."

"Hey dad," says the boy, "I'm over here."

***

"Sir, I respectfully ask for your daughter's hand in marriage."

"What do you do for a living, boy?"

"I manage a steakhouse."

"My daughter has grown up with the best of everything. She has a very demanding sense of fashion and style, and I've always had a problem keeping her in clothes."

"I know what you mean, I got that problem myself."

***

"Honey, we've been married a year and you have yet to suck my dick."

"That's because you wouldn't respect me if I did."

"Yes I would."

"No. You wouldn't."

"Yes I would."

Convinced, she pulls his pants down then kneels and gargles on his cock. He comes on her tonsils and the phone rings. He answers it and says to his wife, "It's for you, cocksucker."

***

"Grounds for divorce?" asked the Judge.

"She won't do it doggie-style, your honor," said Brad.

"That's a relatively minor objection, Mrs. Morrison," said the Judge. "Every couple must compromise a little in the bedroom."

"By doggie-style, Your Honor, he means with a leash on the front lawn."

***

A husband comes home from the bar and the wife says, "You've come home fucking half-loaded again?"

He says, "That's just because I run out of fucking money again."

***

"Honey," said the wife, "do you remember those marlin you went fishing for down in Florida last summer?"

"Yeah?"

"One of them just called. She's pregnant."

***

What's the difference between a job and a wife?

After five years the job still sucks.

***

A man fucking a married woman is surprised at his lover's spouse's early arrival. Naked, he flies out the back door and blends in with a group of marathon runners. "Do you," asks a woman, "always run naked?"

"Oh yeah."

"Do you always wear a condom?"

"No," he says, "only when it looks like rain."

***

Justin came right out and said it, "How come you never tell me when you're having an orgasm?"

Justin's wife said, "You're never home, asshole"

***

"When you die, bitch," said the husband at the end of a particularly bitter quarrel, "I'm getting you a headstone that reads: Here Lies My Wife—Cold As Ever."

"When you die, asshole," she said, "I'm getting you a headstone that reads: Here Lies My Husband—Stiff At Last."

***

A wife says to her husband, "If you don't buy me a new wardrobe I'll start running around the neighborhood naked. What will the neighbors think then?"

"They'll think I married you for your brains."

***

The husband strolls in to discover his wife sucking his best friend's dick. "No point," says the friend, "fighting over this. I'll play you a game of cribbage for her."

"Okay," says the hubby, "but let's play a dime-a-hole to keep it interesting."

***

Right in the middle of fucking his wife the husband stopped and said, "Are you all right?"

"Yes, why?"

"I thought you moved."

***

"John asked me to marry him," Mary told her mother. "But I don't know if I can."

"But I thought you loved John."

"I do."

"Then marry him. He's loaded."

"But he's also an atheist. He doesn't believe in heaven or hell."

"He doesn't even believe in hell?"

"No."

Mother smiled, "Marry him. Between you and me we'll have him believing in no time."

A woman returns home from a business trip; her husband and six year old son greet her at the door, "Mommy, mommy the neighbor lady came over last night. Daddy took off all her clothes and they laid down on the couch."

She asks her husband, "Is this true?"

Her husband was speechless, but their six year old says, "Then they did exactly what you and Uncle Ronald do when daddy is out of town!"

***

A woman packed her bags and said, "Fuck you Fred, I'm leaving."

"That's cute," he said, "how are you going to support yourself?"

"Hookers in Atlantic City charge $250 for a blowjob. I'll get by."

"Wait," the husband runs upstairs and returns with a suitcase. "I'm going with you. I want to see how you can possibly live on $750 a year."

***

"Honey," she says to her fiancée, "will you still love me when we're married?"

"Probably. I've always been quite fond of married women."

The morning following their first night together the newlyweds went out for breakfast. "I'll have," said the groom, "a three-egg Florentine omelet, with rye toast and sausage. And bring some lettuce for my wife."

"Why," asked the puzzled bride, "did you order lettuce for me?"

"I want to see if you also eat like a rabbit."

***

"What's the matter?" said the young wife to her husband.

"I have a huge problem."

"We're married. Your problems are my problems. There is no I in this marriage only a we. Now, what's wrong?"

"We've just conceived a child with my secretary."

***

"How should I let you know when I want to make love?" signed the deaf bride to her husband on their first night together.

"Just pull on my penis once," he signed back.

"How should I let you know when I don't want to make love?"

"Just pull on my penis 257 times."

Joe was glued to the television set, following every game of the NBA playoffs. His wife Nancy walked into the living room and flicked off the television set, "I'm sick of sports. You haven't touched me in months. You hardly speak to me. All you do is watch fucking sports. We need to talk about sex."

"Okay. We'll talk about sex."

"Thank you."

"You're welcome. How often do you think LeBron James gets laid?"

***

What's Niagara Falls?

A bride's second biggest disappointment.

***

Why is beauty much more important than brains for a woman?

Because most men are stupid, but not many are blind.

***

How do you know if you're a real loser?

When you call a 900 number and the girl says, "Not tonight asshole, I've got a headache."

Did you hear about the guy who went to a Premature Ejaculators Anonymous meeting but nobody was there?

He was half-an-hour early.

***

What do you call a woman who can suck a golf ball through 25 feet of garden hose?

"Sweetie pie."

***

Why is divorce so central to the American economy?

If it weren't for divorce, where would coffee shops get all their bitchy waitresses?

***

The Smiths threw a wild New Year's Eve party that turned into a drunken orgy. They were having brunch on New Year's Day when Mr. Smith asks, "I hate to ask you this, but did I butt fuck you on the kitchen floor last night?"

"Darling, you'll have to be more specific. About what time?"

***

His last day on the job, the retiring mailman was delighted to see Mrs. Simpkins answer the door naked. She pulled his pants down and gave him a blowjob on the porch; then she took him inside and they screwed on the floor. Then she served him soup, salad, and a sandwich. As he was leaving she handed him $20. "Why," he asked, "are you paying me?"

"You can thank my husband."

"Your husband?"

"I told him you are retiring and we should get you a gift. He said, 'Fuck him. Give him $20.' The lunch was my idea."

***

Why are wives responsible for every lie their husband tells them?

They insist on asking questions.

***

Why are women like boxers?

They don't go into action until they see a ring.

***

Why was the female nympho pissed?

Someone stood her up.

What separates the men from the boys?

Girls.

***

"I never, ever," said the mother to her teenaged daughter, "had sex until I married your father. Will you be able to say that to your daughter?"

"Absolutely," she said. "But not with such a straight face."

***

Why don't men give most women a second

thought?

Because the first thought pretty much covers it.

***

What goes in pink and hard and comes out soft and slimy?

Bubble gum.

***

After getting the lovey-dovey couple squared away in their penthouse suite the bellhop asks, "Anything for your wife, sir?"

"Yes," he says, "would you bring me a postcard?"

***

"Did you hear," said Sally, "that Joan is getting married?"

"No shit," said Sam, "I didn't even know she was pregnant."

***

How does a wife piss her husband off during sex?

Calls and tells him who she's fucking.

***

The wife said to her maid, "I think my husband is having an affair with his secretary."

The maid said, "Are you just saying that to make me jealous?"

***

The day before his wedding a young man visited his fiancée. While he was waiting for her to come downstairs his bride-to-be's younger sister whispered, "I'll be upstairs waiting for you. I want you to fuck me once before you marry my sister."

The man walked outside to his car only to find his future-father-in-law leaning against it. He said, "My daughters and I devised this little test which you've passed with flying colors. Welcome to the family."

"Thank you." He got in his car and drove away, muttering, "Lucky I keep my condoms in the fucking glove compartment."

***

A man walked into the stationery shop and said to the young female clerk behind the counter, "I need a special greeting card. It must express a lot of respect, loyalty and sincerity; because that's what I feel for a special young woman."

The clerk sighed and went directly to a card adorned with roses with a quote from Byron on the inside. The man read the card, brushed away a tear, and said, "This is absolutely perfect. Give me two dozen."

***

"Are there any special requests?" asked the undertaker.

"Yes," said the wife. "I'd like you to cut off his cock and shove it up his ass."

"That's an unusual request."

"He made me take it that way for 47 years and that's the way he's going to spend eternity."

***

Two women are talking while on the Stairmaster, "Does your husband play cards for money?"

"No. But the guys he plays against do."

***

Bill returns from the doctor and says, "I've got 24 hours to live." His wife bursts into tears. He wipes away the tears and makes love to her. Later in the day he says, "I only have 14 hours to live." And they make love again. They go to bed and he wakes her up in the middle of the night: "I have only 8 hours..." They make love. He wakes her again, "I have only 2 hours..."

She says, "Fuck off. Some of us have to get up in the morning."

***

Mary and Patrick just got married and Patrick got a job at the Guinness brewery. After a week on the job Mary got a phone call from Patrick's boss. "Mary, your new husband fell into a vat of Guinness today and drowned."

"Poor Patrick," cried Mary. "He never had a chance."

"Actually," said the boss, "he climbed out twice to piss."

***

"What would you do," asked one man, "if you bought a Hustler magazine and found your wife's picture in it?"

"Ask for my money back."

***

One surfer dude says to another surfer dude, "I just had this guy fuck me out of a half-million dollars."

"A half-million? What happened?"

"Dude, he wouldn't let me marry his daughter."

***

What's the definition of a wife?

Someone who will stand faithfully by your side through all the problems that you wouldn't have had if you hadn't married the bitch in the first place.

Did you hear about the new Playboy magazine for married men?

It's the same nude centerfold, month, after month, after month...

***

A wife said to her husband, "I'll remind you, that when I was a young girl I used to make all my boyfriends jealous."

"They probably got jealous whenever they saw somebody else's girlfriend."

***

"What can I do?" says a young lady to her friend. "Every guy I bring home my father hates."

"Simple," says her friend. "Bring home a guy who's like your father."

"Those my mother hates."

***

A man returns from his weekly poker game and says to his wife, "Pack up all your shit, I just lost you to the neighbor."

"Lost me to the neighbor? How could you possibly do that?"

"It wasn't easy. I had to fold with a full house."

***

Two young newlyweds asked the hotel clerk for a suite. He said, "Would you like a Bridal?"

The bride blushed and said, "No. I'll just hang onto his shoulders until I get the hang of it."

***

Bob's neighbors, whom he hated, had a baby born with no ears. "Not one word," said his wife before they visited, "about the birth defect."

"I promise I won't mentions ears."

In the nursery Bob's wife said, "Wow, look at those legs and those broad shoulders. He'll be a great athlete. And look at those alert, intelligent eyes. He'll have perfect eyesight."

"Good thing," said Bob, "because there is no fucking way he'll be able to wear glasses."

***

Two expectant fathers were pacing in the waiting room. "What lousy luck," said one, "she goes into labor on our vacation."

"Up yours," says the other. "We're on our honeymoon."

***

"Did you trail my husband?" the lady asked the detective.

"Yes. I have good news and bad news."

"What's the good news?"

"I have pictures of him going to a bar and a motel parking lot."

"That's fantastic. I can sue him for divorce. But what's the bad news?"

"He was following you."

***

What are the three stages of married sex?

When you're first married you have House Sex: you fuck in bed, in the kitchen, in the bathroom.

When kids come along you have Bedroom Sex: you lock the door and fuck only in the bedroom.

After about twenty years you have Hallway Sex: you pass each other in the hallway and say "Fuck you!", "Fuck you, too!"

***

Sam is enjoying his newspaper when his wife whacks him in the head with a tennis racket. He says, "What the hell was that for?"

She tosses a scrap of paper at him with the name Dorothy Jean scrawled on it, "Who is Dorothy Jean?"

"It's a hot tip at the track."

Later that day she knees Sam in the balls. "Now, what was that for?"

She hands him the phone and says, "Your fucking horse just called."

***

After their first night of marriage Bob throws his pants at his wife and says, "Put those on."

"Those are way too big for me."

"Never forget that fact and you'll do okay with me."

She tosses him her little undies and says, "Put those on."

"I'm not getting into those."

"Not until your fucking attitude changes."

***

What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?

A widow.

Bobby drives to pick up his date in a brand new 1957 Chevy Nomad. He rings the doorbell and it's answered by Peggy Sue's father who invites him in. "Peggy Sue is not quite ready. Why don't you have a seat?"

"Thank you, sir."

"What are you two youngsters up to tonight?"

"We're gonna go to the malt shop and then to a drive-in movie."

"Why don't you two kids go out and Screw? I hear all the kids are doing it. I heard on the radio that it's the latest craze."

"What?" said Bobby.

"I know for a fact that Peggy Sue loves to Screw."

Peggy Sue came skipping down the stairs in a poodle skirt and saddle shoes. Eager, Bobby says, "Hey Peggy Sue are you ready to go?"

"I'm always ready to go, Bobby." She kissed her father on the cheek and said, "Please don't wait up for me, pops."

"Have fun kids," said Peggy Sue's father.

Half-an-hour later Peggy Sue returns. Her skirt is ripped, she's only wearing one shoe and her hair is disheveled. "Dammit Dad! It's called the Twist. The Twist."

***

A woman was having a passionate affair with the pest inspector. One morning they were carrying on in the bedroom when her husband arrived home unexpectedly. "Get your ass in the closet." She pushed the inspector into the closet stark naked. The husband entered the bedroom to see his wife naked in bed. Suspicious, he searched the bedroom and discovered the man in the closet. "What are you doing here?"

"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the inspector replied.

"And where your clothes?"

"I'll be damned. Those fucking little moths."

***

Where do wives put pictures of their missing husbands?

On beer cans.

***

MEN AND WOMEN

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you are a male chauvinist.

If you stay home and do the housework, you're a fucking pussy.

If you work too hard there's never any time for her.

If you don't work hard enough you're a good-for-nothing fuck.

If she's in a boring repetitive job with low pay this is exploitation.

If you are in a boring repetitive job with low pay you should get off your ass and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her that's called favoritism.

If she gets a promotion ahead of you it's called equal opportunity.

If you mention how beautiful she looks, it's sexual harassment.

If you say nothing, it's male indifference.

If you cry you're weak.

If you don't cry you're an insensitive sonuvabitch.

If you hit her it's wife bashing.

If she hits you it's self-defense.

If you make a decision without consulting her you're a chauvinist.

If she makes a decision without consulting you she's a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy that's domination.

If she asks it's a favor.

If you appreciate the female form in frilly underwear you're a pervert.

If you don't you're a fag.

If you like women who shave their legs and keep in shape you're sexist.

If you don't you're unromantic.

If you keep yourself in shape you're vain and spend too much time at the gym.

If you don't you're a worthless fat-ass slob with no self-esteem.

If you buy her flowers you're after something.

If you don't you're not thoughtful.

If you talk about your achievements you're full of yourself.

If you don't you're not ambitious.

If she has a headache she's tired.

If you have a headache you don't love her anymore.

If you want it too often you're oversexed.

If you don't want it often enough there has to be someone else.

No wonder men die before women.......They want to!

***

A young man went on-line to find his mate. He put in his requirements: Small, Cute, Loves Water Sports and Group Activities.

They hooked him up with a penguin.

***

A woman stood in front of a mirror and said to her husband, "I'm saggy, wrinkled, and fat. It's so depressing. Please say something nice about me."

"Your eyesight is perfect."

***

A guy drops a gal off after their first date. He says, "Do you perform oral sex on a first date?"

"No."

"How about on a last date?"

***

What are the four secrets to a happy marriage?

Find a woman who cooks.

Find a woman who is rich.

Find a woman who loves sex.

Make certain these women never, ever meet.

***

Gore and Clinton were discussing premarital sex. Gore says, "I didn't sleep with my wife before I

married her. Did you?"

Clinton says, "What was Tipper's maiden name?"

***

"What do you want for your birthday this year?" a man asked his wife. "A Jaguar? A trip to Europe? Diamonds?"

"I want a divorce."

"I sorry," he said. "I wasn't planning on spending that much."

***

Why don't married women blink during foreplay?

They don't have enough time.

***

A man walked up to his wife and pinched her ass, "If you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle."

"That's rude."

He pinched her tits, "If you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra."

She grabbed his cock and said, "If you firmed this up we could get rid of the gardener, the UPS guy, and your brother."

***

One Englishman says, "Quite embarrassed last night. Meaning to purchase a ticket to Piccadilly I said, 'I'd like a picket to Ticcadilly.'"

"I know the feeling," says the other, "This morning at breakfast I meant to say, 'Dearest Wife, please pass the marmalade' and I said, 'You've ruined my life you lazy fucking whore!'"

***

Two secretaries are typing when one of them gets a dozen roses from her husband. She opens the card and says, "Dammit. They're from my husband."

"Why dammit? I think that's romantic."

"It means I'll be on my back all weekend with my legs up in the air."

"Why? Don't you have a vase?"

***

A woman came home to find her husband in bed with a midget. "You told me," she screamed, "there would be no more cheating!"

He pointed at the midget and said, "Hey, I'm cutting back."

***

The horny husband said to his wife, "Time for a quickie?"

"You mean all this time we've been married I've had a choice?"

***

Getting a bit older, and drier, sex had become a quite uncomfortable for Doris but her husband wouldn't leave her alone. One day her husband bought her some KY jelly and told her, "This might help solve your problem with sex."

She said, "I think you're right."

When he left for work she smeared the entire tube all over the front doorknob and locked herself inside the house.

***

Concerned about his new wife's innocence, on the way to the airport the groom whipped out his dick in the back of the honeymoon limo, "Do you know what this is?"

"It's a wee-wee."

"From now on we're gonna calls this a BFC. A Big Fucking Cock."

"Bullshit," she said, "I've seen a lot of big fucking cocks. That's a wee-wee."

A woman told her psychiatrist, "My ex-husband wants to marry me again."

"That's flattering."

"Not really. I think he's just after the money I married him for."

***

A married couple has sex every night at 9:17. Then the lady got the flu. She had a flu shot which killed all but three of the flu germs. One germ said, I'm going to hide behind her ear." One said, "I'm going to hide between her toes." The third one said, "I'm in her twat. When that 9:17 pulls out tonight I'm going to be on it."

***

On their wedding night the new bride demanded $20 for sex. Her excited husband readily agreed and paid. For the next 30 years he paid $20 a pop for sex. Then one day he gets fired. He comes home from work and tells his wife, "We'll soon be in the poorhouse."

"No," she says, "I've invested all my sex money. We own this apartment building."

"Fuck."

"I thought you'd be happy."

"If I knew you were investing it I would have given you all my business."

***

A man takes his wife to the State Fair and they visit the breeding bull exhibition. Over the first pen there's a sign that says, "This bull mated 50 times last year."

"He mated 50 times last year," said the wife.

The husband shrugged.

They walked on and saw another pen with a sign that said, "This bull mated 120 times last year."

"He mated 120 times! That's more than twice weekly. You can learn something from him."

The husband shrugged again and they walked to the third pen, which had a sign reading, "This bull mated 365 times last year."

"Once a day! What do you have to say about that?"

"Ask him if it was with the same old cow."

***

A man approached a gorgeous young woman in the supermarket and said, "I lost my wife in here. Can you talk to me for a couple minutes?"

The young woman was puzzled. "Why do you wanna talk to me?"

"Because every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours my wife appears out of nowhere."

***

How are poker and marriage similar?

They both start by holding hands and usually end in financial loss.

***

Unprompted, Bill said to the man on the adjacent Stairmaster, "My wife's an angel."

"I'm jealous," said Ted, "mine's still alive."

***

A man lost his cock in an accident. The doctor reassured him that using the latest technology it could be rebuilt. A small-sized replacement cost $3500; medium, $6,000; large, $11,500. "I'll take the large," said the man."

"Call your wife; talk it over."

He dialed his cellphone, talked for a minute and said, "She says she'd rather remodel the kitchen."

***

On their wedding night the man turned off the lights, stripped naked, jumped into bed and placed his cock in his wife's hand. "That's thoughtful, honey," she said, "but you'll have to turn the light back on if you want to write thank you notes."

***

Following sex the man fell asleep in his girlfriend's arms. He awoke and saw the time: 4:07 am. He dialed the phone and whispered: "Whatever you do, don't pay the ransom, honey. I've escaped."

***

A man complained to his therapist about having two unhappy marriages. "Tell me about these marriages?" asked the therapist.

"Well, my first wife divorced me and my second one won't."

***

How do you know when your marriage is failing?

When you start wearing your wedding rings on your middle fingers.

***

What's the best thing about a nude wedding?

Everyone knows who the best man is.

***

A woman suffering from migraines visited a holistic doctor. He told her when she feels one coming on to stare in a mirror and repeat, "I do not have a migraine. I do not have a migraine." It worked so well she sent her husband to the doctor to see if he could cure the husband's impotence. Hubby returned from his visit, went into the bathroom and emerged with a giant erection. They fucked and he returned to the bathroom, once again emerging with a cock-as-hard-as-a-rock. He was in the bathroom for the third time when she put her ear to the door and heard, "That woman is not my wife. That woman is not my wife."

***

Concerned about their child's undersized penis a married couple took their three year old boy to the doctor, "Easy to cure," said the doctor, "just make sure he eats a whole wheat bagel with cream cheese every morning. It'll be fine."

The next morning the little guy enters the kitchen and sees 31 whole wheat bagels with cream cheese on the kitchen table. "I can't eat all those, mom."

"Just eat one; the rest are for your father."

What does a Polish bride get on her wedding night that's long and hard?

Her husband's last name.

***

Mary confessed to her new friend, "You know I've been married three times and I'm still a virgin."

"How can that be?"

"My first husband turned out to be gay. My second was a hopeless drunk who couldn't get it up. And my third husband is a gourmet."

***

Husband and wife visit a marriage counselor. The husband says, My wife and I never have sex. She's always too tired."

The counselor says to him, "You still want sex, right?"

"As much as the next guy."

"That's the problem," says the wife. "It's either him or the next guy."

***

A bystander viewed a funeral consisting of one hearse, followed closely by another hearse, followed closely by a man walking a pit bull, followed by a hundred or so men walking in single file. He yelled to the dogwalker, "What's up with the weird funeral procession?"

"My wife is in the first hearse; my mother-in-law is in the second. My dog here killed both of them."

"Can I borrow that dog?"

"Sure," he motioned to the men behind him, "get in line."

***

A married couple approaches a wishing well. The man tosses in a penny, closes his eyes and makes a wish. The woman leans over the wishing well, loses her balance, tumbles in and drowns. "Fucking-A," says the man. "It works!"

***

Two sisters met for lunch. "How's your love life," said Vicki to Ricki.

"Great," said Ricki, "I had a date the other night and my new man said those four magic words."

"Will you marry me?"

"No. Put your money away."

***

A man returns to his rural roots with his new wife. He's showing her where he went to school, the tree he fell out of and broke his arm, his family's old house. She says, "Where'd you first make love?"

He points to the riverbank and says, "Right down there. We just walked around the bend. She was naked and we bumped into each other. I took my clothes off and we fucked."

"That's hot."

"It would have been hotter if her mom wasn't watching."

"Her mom was watching? What did she say?"

"Baaaaaa."

***

"Honey," she said, "would you have married me if daddy hadn't left me $10,000,000?"

"I'd have married you no matter who left you $10,000,000."

***

What's the difference between a bonus and a boner?

Your wife will blow your bonus.

***

What's an egghead?

It's what Mrs. Dumpty gives to Mr. Dumpty.

***

A guy wanted to play a practical joke on his roommate. So he got an inflatable plastic fuck dolly and put it in his bed. When he heard his roommate come home he did 25 push-ups and came charging out of his room, all red-faced and sweaty. He said, "Man, you gotta take this chick off my hands, she's too hot for me to handle."

"You got it," he said, and entered the room. He returned about 30 seconds later with a confused look on his face.

"Done already?"

"Weird chick. I kissed her and got nuthin', so I bit her on the tit and she farted and jumped out of the window."

***

Two daughters were concerned about their father's upcoming marriage. The widower was marrying a girl younger than themselves. "I don't get these May-December arrangements," said one. "I can see what December gets: a hot little body, the envy of his friends, some hot sex; but what does May get from December?"

The other sister replied, "Christmas."

***

A bride, being groped by her new husband, said, "Don't be a cretin. I expect the same manners in bed as I do at the dinner table."

He sat on the edge of the bed, smiled, and said, "Please pass the pussy?"

***

A man, after he sprained his cock during a rough S&M session with a hooker, visited the doctor. "You gotta fix it doc. I'm marrying a virgin tomorrow."

"I'll splint it. It'll be fine."

The couple entered their bridal suite and the virgin bride ripped open her blouse, "You are the first man to see these untouched titties."

He dropped his pants and said, "Mine's still in the crate."

***

In the checkout line at the supermarket was a man with a cart full of groceries and a screaming baby. The man kept repeating softly, "Don't get excited, Albert. Don't scream, Albert. Don't yell, Albert. Keep calm, Albert."

The lady behind him offered the baby a grape, saying, "There you go little Albert. That will make you feel better."

"Lady," said the man, "I'm Albert."

***

A mild-mannered man is sick of his big-mouth boss ordering him around so he enrolls in a self assertion course. He attends the seminar does the visualizations and role-playing exercises and is feeling pretty good about himself. He wants to try out his new self assertion skills so he busts through the front door and greets his wife: "From now on I'm the man in his house and my word is fucking law. When I come home from work, I want my dinner on the table. Now get your ass upstairs and lay out my new suit on the bed because I'm going out with the boys tonight. Then draw me a fucking bath. And when I get out of the bath guess who is gonna dress me and comb my hair?"

"Well," she said, "my best guess would be the undertaker."

***

A man visiting Vegas got snot-flinging drunk and awoke with the ugliest woman he's ever seen. He got his wallet off the nightstand fished out $20 and put it on the pillow. He rolled out of bed and felt someone tugging at his leg hairs. He looked down and saw, naked, the second ugliest woman he's ever see. She smiled and said, "Nothing for the bridesmaid?"

***

What's the difference between a world champion chess player and a wife?

The chess player moves every once in a while.

***

A hideously dirty bum walks up to a man and says, "Sir? A $20 bill would make an important difference in my life right now."

"You're not going to use it for booze or drugs, are you?"

"No sir. I don't use intoxicants."

"Gambling?"

"No sir. I've never wagered."

"I want you to come home and meet my wife."

"Why me?"

"I want the bitch to see what happens to people who don't gamble, drink, or use drugs."

A man lost his wife in a boating accident and the body wasn't immediately recovered. About a week after the tragedy two cops came to the man's door. "We've got good news and great news," said one cop.

"What's the good news?"

"We found your wife's body. When we pulled her up she had three five pound lobsters and about 20 pounds of crab on her."

"What's the great news."

"We're pulling her up again tomorrow."

***

A man and his wife are having sex: 15 minutes; 30 minutes; 45 minutes. Then she says, "What's the matter, can't you think of anyone else either?"

***

Before attending the Halloween party Mrs. Smith developed a headache and sent Mr. Smith, in his bear costume, alone. She took a nap and woke feeling just fine. She realized she could now attend the party in costume and observe how her husband behaved when she wasn't around.

At the party she saw the bear hitting on every woman in the room. She approached and propositioned him. They had sex, still masked, in the bathroom. She returned home and was waiting up for Mr. Smith when he returned; "How was the party?"

"Boring as hell. I played poker all night."

"That would be a sight. A bear playing poker."

He laughed, "I gave the bear suit to my grandpa. He said he had the worst sex of his life."

***

A man and woman were camping and decided to have sex in a dark forest. "I can't see what I'm doing," said the man, "I wish I had a flashlight."

"Me too," said the women, "you've been eating moss and liverwort for the last ten minutes."

***

A father is walking with his three year old daughter in the park. They see two dogs going at it and the daughter says, "Stop them daddy! They're hurting each other!"

"No honey. They're making a puppy."

"Oh."

That night she stumbles into her parents' bedroom while they're fucking. "Stop it daddy! You're hurting mommy."

"No honey. We're making you a little brother."

"Turn her over. I want a puppy."

A man walked into a drugstore and asked, "Do you have condoms dusted with insecticide?"

"You mean spermicide?"

"No, insecticide. My wife has a bug up her ass and I'm going in after it."

***

A busybody visited her single male neighbor and said, "You're 30 and unmarried. I have a niece your age. Here's her phone number."

"I have two sisters," he replied, "who take care of me."

"There are some things sisters, um, can't take care of."

"I said two sisters. Not my sisters."

***

On their 40th wedding anniversary a couple returned to the hotel in New Orleans where they had honeymooned. "What did you think when you saw me naked for the first time 40 years ago?" she asked.

"I wanted to fuck your brains out and suck your huge titties dry."

She took off her clothes, "What do you think now?"

"I did a pretty good job."

A little boy ran into the house crying and holding his hand. "Daddy, I got a thorn in my hand get me a glass of cider."

"Why cider?"

"Because mommy says when she gets a prick in her hand she can't wait to get it in cider."

***

Why does a bride smile as she walks down the aisle?

She knows she's given her last blowjob.

***

A woman went to a bank and said, "I need a loan so I can divorce my husband."

The banker said, "We provide loans only for businesses, cars, and home improvement."

She said, "I'd like a home improvement loan."

***

Why do married men hang strobe lights in their bedrooms?

So they can pretend their wives are moving.

***

What's the difference between a lover, a prostitute, and a wife?

A lover says: "Are you done?"

A prostitute says: "You're done."

A wife says: "Blue. I'll paint the ceiling blue."

***

On his deathbed a man called for his business partner. "Ron," he said, "I can't die without telling you that I've embezzled millions. And I've fucked your wife and both your daughters."

"That's okay. I'm the one who poisoned you."

***

#  MISCELLANEOUS...

A three year old boy taking a bath grabs his cock and asks, "Mommy, is this my brain?"

She says, "Not yet, sweetheart."

***

What's brown and full of holes?

Swiss shit.

***

Joe Biden bursts into Obama's office, "I've got good news and bad news."

"What's the good news?"

"God's on the phone."

"What's the bad news?"

"She's calling from Baghdad and sounds pissed."

***

An insurance agent cold-calls a residence and a seven year old girl answers in a whisper, "Hello."

"May I," asks the agent, "speak with your mommy?"

"She's busy."

"May I speak with your daddy?"

"He's busy."

"Is there another adult in the house?"

"My brother and my uncle. Also three policemen. But they are all busy."

"What is everyone busy doing?"

"Everyone," she says, "is looking for me."

***

Three Irish kids are walking through their town's cemetery. "Lookee," says Sean, "this bugger lived to be eighty-seven."

"That's nuthin'" said John, "this bugger lived to be ninety-nine."

"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph," says Patrick, "this bugger lived until he was one-hundred and forty-five."

"What was his name?" say Sean and John.

"Miles from Dublin."

***

What do you call an Irishman with two wooden legs?

Patty O'Furniture.

***

A Frenchman, an American, and an Irishman are having an argument about which country has the best bars. The Frenchman says, "But France of course. The finest wine and liqueurs. The exquisite food. The most beautiful women."

"Fuck you, Frog," says the American. "We got places with 40 beers on tap and free hot wings."

"I beg to differ," says the Irishman. "But in Galway, Ireland—my home town—there is an establishment that allows you to drink for free all night. Then, after they shut down you can go upstairs and have sex 'til the dawn."

"It is not so," says the Frenchman.

"Bullshit," says the American. "How many times have you done that?"

"Me? Never. But it works all the time for both me mother and sisters."

***

An Irish lady wins the Irish Sweepstakes and decides to indulge herself by taking a milk bath. She calls up the milkman: "Wouldja bring me 100 quarts of milk tomorrow."

"Would that be pasteurized?"

"No," she says, "just up to me tits."

***

Why was the president of the National Organization of Women fired?

Because she was quoted in Time Magazine, "As long as we women are split like we are, men will always be on top."

***

Butch walked, smiling, into the drug store to buy some condoms. The pharmacist asked, "Why the good mood?"

"I've been dating this chick for three months and she's surrendering the pussy tonight. The only drawback is that I have to meet the parents for dinner first. But goddam, she's gonna get all of it."

"Ah, to be young and horny. Knock her dead," he said.

"I will."

That evening Butch rang the doorbell. As soon as his girlfriend, followed by her parents, answered the door Butch jumped into the bushes and hid his face. She said to Butch, "Why didn't you tell me you were so shy?"

"Why didn't you tell me your dad worked at the fucking pharmacy?"

***

Did you hear about the gay dinosaur?

It's called a Mega-sore-ass.

***

Did you hear about the lesbian dinosaur?

It's called a Licka-lotta-puss.

***

"How long is the wait?" asks the red haired man.

"Forty-five minutes," says the barber.

"Thanks." And he leaves.

Next day, the red haired man says, "How long is the wait?"

"Half an hour."

"Thanks." And he leaves.

This goes on for a month and Red never gets a haircut. The barber asks a regular customer to tail him and find out where he goes after finding out how long the wait is. Once again Red comes in and inquires about the wait and leaves. The customer tails him and returns ten minutes later. "I found out where he goes."

"Where?" says the barber.

"Your house."

***

A man walks into a whorehouse and says to the madam: "I'm broke, but I'm horny as hell. Isn't there something you can do?"

"Room six. My goat's in heat if you're interested."

"I'm that horny." He enters room six. There's a mirror on the wall and a goat tied to the bed. He pulls down his pants grabs the goat by the horns and fucks it.

The next week he approaches the madam with the same request. "The goat died," she says, "but there is a free sex show in room seven."

He enters room seven and sees through a one way mirror two gay guys fucking: one is dressed as an altar boy, the other as a priest. "That's disgusting."

"You should have been here last week," says someone in the front row. "Some pervert fucked a goat."

***

When is a door not a door?

When it's ajar.

***

What is the name of the support group for herpes sufferers?

The American Lesion.

***

Why does President Bush wear a Stetson?

Because you can't fit that much shit into a Texas Rangers cap.

***

Did you hear about the pervert who raped homeless men?

He was a hobosexual.

What do you call a vagina that talks?

An answering cervix.

***

Why do you only put 239 beans in an Irish bean stew?

Add one more and it's too-farty.

***

Did you hear about the George Bush golfball?

Wherever you hit it you get a great lie.

***

What's a seven course meal for an Irishman?

A six-pack and a boiled potato.

***

Two whales are cruising in the ocean, bored. So Willie the Whale knocks over a ship and eats the cargo—potatoes. Then he knocks over two more ships; both of which are also hauling potatoes. Walter the Whale says, "Why are you doing that?"

"I really don't want to; it's just that nobody can only eat one potato ship.

***

A kid on a bicycle runs over Mrs. Simpson's cat. Feeling terrible he walks up to the door and says, "Mrs. Simpson, I just killed your cat. I'd like to replace it."

"Fine, but how are you at catching mice?"

***

A woman berates her husband about their leaky roof every time it rains: "Fix the goddam roof!"

"I can't," he says, "it's raining."

"Fix it when it its dry."

"It doesn't leak when it's dry."

***

What has 11,800 legs and no pubic hair?

The audience at an Justin Bieber concert.

***

A man walks into a into a sex shop and says to the clerk, "I'd like a blowup fuck dolly please."

"Christian or Muslim?"

"What's the difference?"

"A Muslim dolly blows itself up."

***

Did you hear about the Irish queer?

He preferred women to liquor.

***

What's a Catch-22 for a nympho?

Meeting a guy with a 14 inch dick and syphilis.

***

An example of Irish foreplay:

"Brace yourself Bridget."

***

WASP foreplay:

Doing the dishes.

***

Jewish foreplay:

Bent over the credit cards, facing Nordstroms.

Puerto Rican foreplay:

"I got a knife."

***

Redneck foreplay:

"You done with the dishes, honey?"

***

What do you call guys from the Pyrenees standing in a doorway?

Having all your Basques in one exit.

***

Why was six afraid of seven?

Because seven ate nine.

***

What has red hair, big feet and lives in a test tube?

Bozo the Clone.

***

Two Australians moved to Mexico with their bungee jumping business. They set up their platform and a crowd gathered. One Australian jumped. He returned all bruised and scratched. He took another turn and returned in worse shape than before. The other Aussie climbed down the platform to double check the cord's length. When he returned he said, "The cord length's fine, but what's a piñata?"

***

The farmer, on an extended livestock buying trip, called home to see how things were. His little daughter answered the phone, "Hi daddy."

"Hi sweety, how are things?"

"Fine. Just fine. Actually the dog died."

"How?"

"He ate some dead horse meat."

"How'd the horse die?"

"The roof of the barn collapsed."

"How'd that happen?"

"It collapsed after the sides burned."

"How'd the barn catch fire?"

"Sparks from the house."

"How'd the house catch fire."

"Sparks from the burning curtains."

"How'd the curtains catch fire."

"They were too close to the candles on mommy's coffin."

***

A stutterer applies for a job selling encyclopedias door-to-door. "Shit," says the manager, "a salesman can't have a speech impediment."

"I-I-I know I-I-I c-c-can d-d-do it." So he loads ten sets of books into his pickup and heads out.

He returns an hour later and the manager says, "Couldn't take the ridicule?"

"N-n-no. I-I-I n-n-need more books." He loads ten more sets of books and does this three more times before four o'clock.

"That's a sales record," says the manager, "How do you do it?"

"I-I-I say, if you d-d-don't b-b-buy th-th-these b-b-books, I'm g-g-gonna r-r-read th-th-them to you."

***

Why do birds fly south for the winter?

It's too far to walk.

***

An archaeologist in Arizona discovered a stone tablet that carbon dated back to the first century A.D. The tablet had a cross, a shovel, a donkey and a small fowl on it. At a press conference the archaeologist explained that the cross meant Christianity had spread to the ancient Americans shortly after its inception; the shovel evidenced that they were builders; the donkey proved that they domesticated animals; the fowl indicated that they were farmers. Another scientist said, "You're wrong. This is an example of early American pornography. It means, "Christ, dig the ass on that chick."

***

Mom got home early and saw her daughter sitting at the kitchen table, smoking a joint. Mom said, "What's a joint like this doing in a nice girl like you?"

***

A stupid guy reads an ad for a vacation cruise that costs $20. After he signs up and pays, the lady behind the desk hits him in the head with a golf club and throws him out the back door into a swimming pool. Another guy enters and gets the same treatment. An hour later they're standing in the shallow end of the pool. The first tourist says, "I wonder if they're serving food?"

The second replies, "They didn't last year."

***

What's the difference between Hard Up and Down and Out?

For most guys about two minutes.

***

How did the Energizer Bunny die?

Someone put the batteries in backwards and he kept coming-and-coming-and-coming.

***

Did you hear about the midget fortune teller who escaped from prison?

The police are after a small medium at large.

***

What's another name for the block of red states that re-elected Dubya?

Dumbfuckastan.

How do you stop a tsunami?

Throw 180,000 South Asians at it.

***

What has one wheel, two legs, and flies?

A wheelbarrow full of monkey shit.

***

What do Osama Bin Laden and pantyhose have in common?

They both irritate Bush.

***

"Do you smoke after sex?" he asked.

"I've never checked," she said.

***

How can you tell if pancakes are male or female?

The females are stacked.

***

Did you hear about the little green wooden boy whose testicles grew whenever he told a lie?

His name was Pistachio.

Who posed for the Mona Lisa?

The DaVinci coed.

***

What's the difference between Herbert Hoover and Josef Stalin?

Hoover stopped Americans from drinking; Stalin stopped Russians from eating.

***

The obese man entered the building beneath a sign that read: WEIGHT LOSS GUARANTEED. "We have two programs," explained the clerk. "We suggest starting with the less strenuous one. Fifty dollars; fully guaranteed. Through door one."

He waddled through the door and found a naked woman wearing running shoes. "Catch me," she said, "and you can fuck me."

He chased her for an hour and although he didn't catch her he lost three pounds. After a week of this he tried the advanced plan. He paid $100 and walked through the other door. A naked man in tennis shoes and a huge erection said, "If I catch you, I'm going to fuck you."

***

A man gets the blowjob of his life from a Washington DC hooker. She wipes off her lips and says, "Four dollars."

"Honey," he said, "you could charge $150 for a cock munch like that."

"That's okay, Senator," she says, "I do a little blackmailing on the side."

***

How does a depressed Mexican commit suicide?

Hangs himself from the rearview mirror.

***

A union plumber visited Mrs. Doe's to fix a leak. She started flirting and just as they were about to get naked the phone rang. "That was Mr. Doe. He's coming home for a couple of hours but he has to work tonight. Come on back and we'll finish what we started."

"Right," said the plumber, "on my own time?"

***

An Irishman stubs his toe on a metal object. He dusts it off and a genie pops out and grants him three wishes. "I'm mighty thirsty," says the Irishman, "I'll take a big bottle of Guinness that never runs dry."

It magically appears in his hands. He drains it once. Twice. Three times and says, "This is fooking fantastic. I'll take two more of these."

***

Why do they call it PMS?

Because "Mad Cow Disease" was taken.

***

A struggling young actor in LA calls his dad in Brooklyn, "Dad, I got a part in a movie. I play a Jewish husband."

"So call me when you get a speaking role."

***

Two French farm girls on bicycles took a shortcut down a cobblestone road. Marie said, "I've never come this way before."

Bebe answered, "It's the cobblestones, cheri."

***

What happened to the glass blower who inhaled?

He got stomach panes.

***

What's the difference between a horny teenaged girl taking a bath and a female optimist?

One has hope in her soul.

***

What do you call the soda jerk in a pharmacy?

A fizzician.

***

Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

***

Why does Donald Trump think sex is counterproductive?

Because you start at the top and work your way to the bottom.

***

Did you hear about the man who died of a Viagra overdose?

The undertaker couldn't get the casket closed.

***

Dave returned from his vacation tanned, smiling, and rested. His secretary asked where he went, "My buddy's fishing cabin," he answered. "No booze, no music, no parties, no neighbors."

"Did you enjoy yourself?"

"Who else?

***

The circus was auditioning lion trainers. A woman without a whip or a chair, wearing only a trench coat went first. "Careful," says the ringmaster, "Lenny the lion is a vicious beast."

"I know what I'm doing," she says.

She enters the cage and Lenny charges. She whips off the trench coat; she's naked and Lenny stops and gently starts licking her pussy.

The ringmaster says to the next applicant, "Don't you wish you could do that?"

He says, "Get that fucking lion out of there and I will."

What's the difference between a wicker basket and a wicker box?

A wicker basket is placed on the table at Thanksgiving and filled with fruit. Wicker box is what Elmer Fudd does to his girlfriend.

***

Why is George Washington America's greatest president?

He's the only president in history who didn't blame the previous administration for all the country's problems.

***

An actress held a press conference: "I will be marrying for the seventh and hopefully final time. Any questions?"

"Marrying," asked a reporter, "against whom?"

***

Did you hear about the hot new jewelry store in Hollywood?

They rent wedding rings.

***

Why are a balloon and virginity similar?

One prick and they're both gone forever.

***

Why is a no-hitter and virginity similar?

One hot stick ends them both.

***

How did the voyeur rate seeing Heidi Klum masturbate?

The peek of his career.

***

Three applicants applied for the same personal assistant job. All three were experienced and eminently qualified. "Well," said the boss to the personnel director, "which one do we pick. It's a three way tie."

"Hire," he said, "the one in the middle."

"More experience?"

"No. Bigger tits."

***

A Martian is walking through a casino in Vegas when a dollar slot machine whirrs and spews out silver dollars. The Martian bends over and says, "You're crazy not to stay home with a cold like that."

***

A renowned Shakespearean actor was asked by a reporter: "Do you believe that Shakespeare wanted us to think that Hamlet and Ophelia had sex?"

"I don't know," he said, "what Shakespeare might have intended. But I always do."

***

What's the one sure way to return from Vegas with a small fortune?

Go with a large fortune.

***

Presidents Nixon, Reagan, and Clinton go to see the Wizard of Oz. Oz says, "I know why you all are here. Nixon for a heart, Reagan for a new brain, and Clinton for courage to stand up to Hillary."

Nixon says, "Right."

Reagan says, "Right."

"Wrong," says Clinton. "Where's Dorothy?"

10 More Examples of Bad Movie Logic

1) Makeup never comes off.

2) Sleeping doesn't muss your hair.

3) All kids are smart and cute.

4) Everybody can dance and sing.

5) Germans, Mexicans, Spanish, French and Italians always speak English amongst themselves.

6) Landing jet airliners is easy.

7) All stewardesses are easy.

8) Everyone has a perfect golf swing.

9) Any door can be opened with a credit card; just look over your shoulder first.

10) Any door can be opened with a credit card...unless the room's on fire and there's a pregnant woman inside.

***

Why is it fortunate that JFK and RFK weren't boxers?

Neither could take a shot to the head.

***

Did you know that JFK was on the radio?

And the steering wheel and the dashboard and in Jackie's lap.

A hitchhiker is picked up by a rich old lady in a Bentley. She drives like a maniac: 100 mph on the straights, 80 mph on the curves. She passes cars on the median and in the break down lane. The hitcher notices a pair of thick glasses on the dashboard. "Are those glasses yours?"

"Yes," she says, "I can't see a goddam thing without them."

"Shouldn't you put them on?"

"Don't fret sonny, I had the windshield ground to my prescription."

***

How do you turn a lady into a river?

Have her marry a hippie and she becomes Mrs. Hippie.

***

What's the difference between a Canadian and a canoe?

The canoe might tip.

***

Two Southern belles were sitting on the front porch swing. One says, "Yawl see that mansion up there on the hill?"

"I sure do."

"Well my daddy done bought me that."

"How nice."

"Yawl see that big Mercedes parked in the driveway of that mansion up there on the hill?"

"I sure do."

"Well my daddy done bought me that, too."

"How nice."

"What did your daddy buy yawl?"

"He didn't buy me nuthin' but he did send me to charm school."

"What'd you learn at charm school?"

"I learned how to say 'How nice' instead of 'Fuck you.'"

***

What did one saggy boob said to the other saggy boob?

"If we don't get some support here, people will think we're nuts."

***

Frank Moreno, a fourth generation Californian of Mexican descent runs the local auto paint shop. He is active in the community and is famous for his tricked-out 1959 Chevy El Camino. The truck is in every parade and at every home football game. Then, one night it's stolen. Frank calls the cops to report it and the officer asks, "When did you last see it?"

"Last night around 9:00 p.m. I had it parked in the driveway."

"That was over twelve hours ago. It could be at the border by now."

Frank says, "Fucking Canadians."

***

A company on the brink of bankruptcy offered a $1500 Brainstorm Bonus to the employee who came up with the best way to save money. The bonus went to a secretary who suggested that future Brainstorm Bonuses should be $5.

***

A traveling salesman's car breaks down late at night and he walks to the nearest farm house. He knocks on the door and says, "My car broke down. May I spend the night here?"

"Sure," says the farmer, "but you'll have to suck my son's dick."

"Never mind," says the salesman, "I must be in the wrong joke."

***

What's the difference between a Harley Davidson and a vacuum cleaner?

The location of the dirtbag.

***

What's the problem with the new Cary Grant postage stamp?

Gay guys get the wrong side wet.

***

Why are guys so good at video games?

Superior eye hand coordination developed through masturbating.

***

A man skied into a crevasse and was there overnight. Rescuers arrived the next morning and said, "We're from the Red Cross."

A voice echoed up from the crevasse, "I-I-I gave-gave-gave at the office-office-office."

Did you hear about the midget stripper?

She jumped out of a cupcake.

***

What do you call a hooker from Saskatchewan?

A Canadian Mountie.

***

Did you hear about the sperm bank that offers aerosol insemination?

It's called heir spray.

***

A boy asked his father, "Is it true that in China a man doesn't know his wife until they are married."

"Boy, that happens in this country."

***

A woman adored "Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid" so she decided to have a likeness of Paul Newman tattooed on one thigh and Robert Redford on the other. The tattoo artist finished and she said: "You idiot, those don't look like Redford or Newman. I want them removed."

"Lady, those are spitting images of Butch and Sundance."

"I want them removed."

"I'll make a deal with you. You drop your pants in front of the next person who comes into this shop. If they don't recognize who the tattoos are, I'll remove them for free."

Moments later a drunk wandered in. She dropped her pants and asked him to identify any stars he saw down there.

"I don't," he said, "recognize the guy on the left or the right, but the ugly fucker in the middle has got to be Willie Nelson."

***

What do heavy smokers puff on?

Cigarettes, cigars, and steps.

***

Did you hear about the stripper who got fired?

She hasn't been obscene since.

***

A tourist from Britain walked up to a New Yorker and asked, "Pardon, but which way to the Radio City Music Hall or should I just go fuck myself?"

***

"Anything to declare?" asked the customs agent.

"No. There's nothing but clothes in the suitcase."

The agent opened it up and found fourteen bottles of aged Napoleon brandy. "Clothes?"

"Yes," said the tourist. "Those are my nightcaps."

***

Did you hear about the masochist who loved cold showers so much that he took a hot one?

***

The two hottest guys in school were twins named Juan and Ahmal. Suzie came to school on Monday and told Sally that she'd slept with Juan on Saturday night and was drooling to sleep with Ahmal. Sally told Suzie she'd done both of them and said, "Take it from me, if you've fucked Juan, you've fucked Ahmal."

***

What's the Golden Showers Club's motto?

"We're number one! We're number one! We're number one!"

***

Why did the school district fire the sex education teacher?

For giving oral exams.

***

Have you heard about the new store that sells only dildoes?

It's called Toys for Twats.

***

Mr. Boyd found a three year old stub for a pair of boots he had brought in for repair. He went down to the shoe repair shop and presented the stub. The owner said, "They'll be ready next Friday."

***

What are four words no man ever wants to hear?

"Is it in yet?"

What's the smallest cemetery in the world?

A pussy—it only takes one stiff at a time.

***

Over the past decade more money has been spent on Viagra and breast implants than on Alzheimer's research. Thirty years from now scientists predict that there will be a large number of people with big tits and erections who won't remember what to do with them.

***

How is being in the Army like a blowjob?

The closer to discharge you get, the better you feel.

***

How is getting a new girlfriend like joining the Army?

With each you get a new haircut, a new wardrobe and someone to tell you exactly what to do.

***

A man in the back of a crowded elevator yells to the elevator operator, "Ballroom, please."

The lady in front of him says, "Sorry. Didn't realize I was crowding you."

***

How do you know when the town you live in is too small?

Both city limits signs are on the same post; your zip code is a fraction; and everyone has to take turns being the town drunk.

***

Mothers have Mother's Day and fathers have Father's Day, but what day is dedicated to single guys?

Palm Sunday.

***

A car dealer tried to influence a local politician by offering him a free car. "Free would be unethical," said the politician.

Picking up on the hint the dealer says, "How about a new car for, say, $20?"

"I'll take five."

***

How do you know when a hippie chick is on her period?

She's only wearing one sock.

***

Have you heard about the new car insurance for Jewish mothers?

It's called the "My Fault" policy.

***

What's the difference between sex for money and sex for free?

Sex for money usually costs less.

***

What does a dominatrix give her clients for Christmas?

Gag gifts.

***

An award winning artist was asked how he created such unusual pictures. "I hire three hookers, strip them naked, dump some paint on the canvas and have them roll around."

"That must be erotic."

"Not so much as cleaning the brushes."

***

How do you know when a terrorist is depressed?

He doesn't want to kill himself.

***

Why did the condom fly across the room?

It was pissed off.

***

A drunk driver and his equally drunk buddy were driving down the street. The driver says, "We're getting close to downtown."

"How can you tell?"

"We're running over more people.

***

How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?

It's still a mystery—it's never been done.

***

What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom?

A pickpocket snatches watches.

***

What's Canada's most popular sexual position?

Doggy-style. That way no one misses any Stanley Cup Playoff action.

***

How are drinking Coors Light and making love in a canoe similar?

They are both fucking close to water.

***

What does a Canadian girl put behind her ears to attract big strong hockey players?

Her ankles.

***

A desperately thirsty Arab approached an old Jewish man selling neckties: "I need water."

"I only sell neckties."

"I need water."

"Sure you don't want a necktie?"

"I need water."

"I've only got neckties, but there's a restaurant over the next sand dune that has water."

"Thank you."

"You're welcome."

Twenty minutes later the Arab is back. The Jew says, "Did you get some water at the restaurant?"

"No. Your fucking brother wouldn't let me in because I wasn't wearing a necktie."

***

Why is piss yellow and sperm white?

So men know whether they're coming or going.

***

#  OLD AGE...

What's 60 feet long and smells like piss?

The conga line in a nursing home.

***

Grandpa gives an heirloom shotgun to his favorite grandson. The kid doesn't have any use for the gun so he hocks it and buys a Rolex. The next time he sees grandpa the old man says, "Nice watch, sonny. Where'd you get it?"

"Actually I sold the shotgun and bought it."

"Why?"

"I don't have any use for a shotgun."

"No use for a shotgun? What are you gonna do when you come home one night and find some guy fucking your wife, say, 'Hey buddy, time's up?'"

***

Three old men are sitting on a park bench. The first one says "I haven't shit since last Thursday."

The second one says, "I haven't shit since last month."

The third one says, "That's nothing. I take a crap every morning at exactly 7 a.m."

"What's so bad about that?" says the first guy.

"I don't wake up until 9 a.m."

***

An old man living at the retirement home was attracted to an old lady, also living at the home. One evening after lights out, he has a couple shots of Scotch and sneaks down the hall. Fortified by his liquid courage he says, "I wanna fuck you."

"Well," she says, "everyone else is asleep, so, what the hell."

"How do you like to do it?"

"I really like it when a man goes down on me," she said.

He lifts up her nightie, takes off her panties and starts yodeling in the gully. He comes up about 15 seconds later with a disgusting look on his face. "I'm sorry, I just can't do this. Something smells rotten down there."

She says, "It must be my arthritis."

He says, "You can't get arthritis in your vagina."

She says, "The arthritis is in my shoulder. I can't wipe."

***

Bob brings his best friend Jeff to the old folks' home to visit his Grandma. While they're talking Jeff polishes off an entire bowl of peanuts. At the conclusion of the visit, Bob hugs his Grandma and says, "I love you."

"Thanks for the peanuts," says Jeff.

"No problem," says Grandma. "Since I lost my dentures all I can do is suck the chocolate off."

***

An elderly couple is making love, "Wider," he says. "Spread your legs wider."

She says, "Are you trying to get your balls in there?"

"No. I'm trying to get them out."

A 72 year old widow walked in on her 52 year old spinster daughter who was banging herself with her new battery-powered dildo. "What the hell," said the mom, "are you doing?"

"I'm having sex. I've never been married, I'm poor, and I'm in my 50s. This," she held up the dildo and waved it at her mother, "is the best sex I'm ever going to get. And," she said jumping out of bed, "I'm late for work." She returned home that evening to find her mom, drunk, watching t.v. on the couch with the dildo in her left hand. "Now," said the daughter, "what the hell are you doing?"

"I'm just having a drink with my son-in-law."

***

A man is on his deathbed at home and he calls out to his wife: "Honey, I think this is it."

"We've had a good life together," she said sitting on the edge of the bed. "Is there anything I can get for you before you go?"

"As odd as it may seem I just smelled your BBQ chicken wings and I would love to have them for my last meal."

"But honey," she said, "I'm saving them for after the funeral."

***

What's an old lady taste like?

Depends.

***

An old man goes into a whorehouse and tells the Madam he would like a 21 year old girl for the night. She asks, "How old are you?"

"I'm 94 years old."

"Old man, you've had it."

"Really? Then how much do I owe you?"

***

How did the old lady with varicose veins win first place at the costume party?

She went naked; as a road map.

***

Fred's hospital bed is surrounded by family and his pastor, but it doesn't look good. He motions frantically to his wife for something to write on. The wife hands him a piece of paper and Fred uses his last bit of energy before he dies to scribble a note. The pastor thinks it's not proper to look at the note right away so he places it in his jacket pocket.

At Fred's funeral as the pastor is finishing his eulogy he realizes he's wearing the jacket he wore when Fred died. "Fred handed me a note just before he died," he said. "I'm sure there's a word of inspiration in there for all of us." Opening the note, the pastor read aloud, "You stupid fuckers are standing on my oxygen tube."

***

How can you get three old ladies to say "FUCK!" at the same time?

Have the fourth say "BINGO!"

***

What's the best thing about Alzheimer's?

You can hide your own Easter eggs, wrap your own birthday present, and make new friends everyday.

***

A couple, both aged 60 and married for 40 years, decided to take separate vacations. He called from Hawaii and said, "We should have done this years ago. I'm having a great time with a 30 year old hooker."

"I bet I'm having more fun with my 30 year old gigolo."

"Why do you say that?"

"Simple mathematics; 30 goes into 60 mores times than 60 goes into 30."

***

A man went into the Social Security office to pick up his retirement check. He didn't have an ID but he knew his name, address, and social security number. The clerk, who had seen him before said jokingly, "Open your shirt and let me see enough gray chest hair to prove that you're old enough for retirement benefits."

He did and walked away with the check. When he told his wife the story she said, "You should have whipped out your dick, you would have gotten disability too."

***

The boys set Sal up with a hooker on his 90th birthday. She arrived at his house and said, "Do you want super sex?"

Sal said, "I'll take the soup."

***

Why was the aging playwright's wife frustrated sexually?

No matter how hard he tried he couldn't get beyond the first act.

***

"You should think twice about marrying that 22 year old," said George to his Grandpa. "You're 87. Sex could be fatal."

"Hey," said Grandpa, "if the bitch dies she dies."

***

Did you hear about the 90 year old man who molested a 20 year old?

He was arrested for assault with a dead weapon.

***

An old guy is pulled over by a cop. "Officer, was I speeding?"

"No. But your wife fell out of the car about two miles back."

"Thank the Lord. I thought I'd gone deaf."

***

A pervert gets a job as an intern in an old folks' home. Every morning he goes into Mrs. Schmidt's room and locks the door: "Mrs. Schmidt? I bet I can guess how old you are."

"How would you do that?"  
"Take off your clothes and lie on the bed."

She does.

"Take out your dentures and suck my dick a little."

She does.

"Now spread those crusty and dusty old thighs."

She does.

He fucks the old lady and says, "You're 87."

"That's amazing, how did you figure it out?"

Leaving, he says, "You told me yesterday."

***

How are walking a tightrope and getting a blowjob from a 90 year old hooker similar?  
In both instances it's best not to look down.

The local whorehouse was raided and the girls were lined up out front. An 80 year old lady asked one of the girls why they were standing in line. "Free Popsicles," joked one of the girls and the old lady got in line.

A cop came by and asked the lady, "Aren't you a little old for this?"

"As long," she said, "as they keep making 'em, I'll keep sucking on 'em."

***

The old lady complained to her doctor, "I haven't crapped for a week. I just sit there for a half hour in the morning, then another half hour before bed."

"Do you take anything?"

"A book."

***

Two old guys are walking their dogs. One says, "Old age sucks. I haven't had sex in five years."

The other replies, "I have sex almost everyday."

"Really?"

"Oh yeah. Almost every Monday. Almost every Tuesday. Almost every Wednesday...."

***

Did you hear about the new airlines for senior citizens?

It's called In-Continental.

An elderly couple got together in a recreation room at the old folks home. They sat in a dark corner and started snuggling. She said, "Please stick two fingers in my pussy."

"What do you want to do," he asked, "whistle?"

***

Old man Kerry goes to the doctor and says, "I'm losing my hearing Doc. I can't even hear myself fart anymore."

"Take one of these pills three times a day for a week."

"Will they help my hearing?"

"No. But they'll make you fart louder."

***

Three old ladies are sitting on a park bench when a man whips open his trench coat, revealing a rigid ten-inch cock. The first lady had a stroke; the second lady had a stroke; the third lady couldn't reach.

***

Two old guys are sitting on a bench in Central Park. Sol says, "Today is the proudest day of my life. My oldest grandson graduates from law school."

"N.Y.U?"

"And why not me?"

***

What's the best thing about sex with an 80 year old woman?

She won't swell, she won't tell, she'll never yell, and she's grateful as hell.

***

A recently married elderly couple are in the honeymoon suite undressing prior to sex. She says, "I have to tell you that I have acute angina."

"And," he says, "for an old broad your tits ain't too fucking bad."

***

The madam opened the whorehouse door and saw a skinny elderly gentleman standing there. "May I help you?" asked the madam.

"I've heard good things about Natalie, I want Natalie," he said.

"She's one of our most expensive girls, $1000 a night; are you certain you don't want someone else?"

"No. I want Natalie."

The madam buzzes Natalie and she appears. The old man calmly hands over ten $100 bills, then goes upstairs and fucks Natalie's brains out. He appears the next night with the same request and forks over the same amount of money. He appears the third night in a row. Again paying $1000 for the privilege of an evening with Natalie. "Wow," says Natalie, "you must be rich; nobody has ever come to me three nights in a row before. Where are you from?"

"I'm from Philadelphia."

"My family lives in Philadelphia."

"I know. Your father just died and I'm your mother's attorney. She asked me to give you $3000."

***

The millionaire invited his three sons to his 45th wedding anniversary. They all arrived, but without gifts. Their mother was heart broken and their father said, "I just want to tell you that your mother and I were never officially married."

"You mean we're bastards?" asked the eldest.

"Yes," said the father. "And cheap ones too."

***

Three old guys meet at the corner. One says, "Isn't it windy?"

"No," says the second, "Thursday."

The third says, "Me too, let's go get a beer."

***

Mr. Smith, 85 years old, signs up for a one day trial at the nudist colony. He signs in, strips naked, and walks out into the compound. Immediately a gorgeous huge-titted blonde drops to her knees and gives him a knee buckling blow job. Mr. Smith strolls back to the office and signs up for a year. He lights a cigar and continues around, taking in the sights. He drops his cigar, bends over, and immediately a faggot runs up and fucks him in the ass. Smith sprints back to the office and says, "I want my money back, dammit."

"But I thought you liked it here?"

"Let me put it like this, I could muster up three, maybe four erections a week; but I drop my cigar eight to ten times a day."

***

A lady visited her grandpa at the rest home. She stayed until bedtime when she saw the nurse give him a mug of hot chocolate and a Viagra. As the nurse escorted her out she asked, "Why hot chocolate and a Viagra."

"The hot chocolate helps him sleep. The Viagra keeps him from rolling out of bed."

***

The 70 year old lady asked her doctor for a birth control pill prescription, "Surely," said the doctor, "you've stopped menstruating."

"Yes, I have. But these help me sleep."

"There isn't any narcotic in birth control pills."

"I know. I slip them into my little whore of a granddaughter's oatmeal and I sleep a whole lot better."

***

An old guy picks up an exceptionally cute young hooker. They go to the motel and she strips. "My God, what a lithe and lissome figure you have. How old are you?"

"Thirteen."

"Get dressed and get out right now."

"What's the matter old man," she says, "you superstitious?"

***

A man stepped onto an elevator into a rank stench. He said to the only other occupant, a sweet old lady, "Did you just fart?"

"Of course I did, asshole," she said. "Do you think I always smell like this?"

***

How does an elderly gentleman keep his youth?

He pays her.

***

Did you hear what happened to the old lady on her way home from the grocery store?

She got mugged by a German Shepard.

***

The elderly lady wakes up and says to her husband, "You must have had some bad dreams last night."

"Why?"

"All night long you were calling me a run-down, miserable, evil-tempered whore."

The man says, "And who was sleeping?"

***

Grandpa and Billy are digging worms for their fishing trip. Grandpa, always the practical joker, tells little Billy, "I'll give you $5 if you can get that worm back into the hole." Billy thinks for a minute, runs upstairs and returns with a can of hairspray. He sprays until the worm is rigid and jams it back in its hole. Grandpa says, "I'll be right back." Half-an-hour later he returns and hands Billy a $100 bill."

"Grandpa, you said you'd give me $5."

"I know, the other $95 is from your grandma."

***

A down-and-out, disconsolate widower called Dr. Kervorkian and asked advice on how best to commit suicide. He suggested that she shoot herself in the heart. "Where," she asked, "exactly should I point the gun?"

"Directly," he said, "below your left breast."

She loaded her late husband's pistol, took aim, and pulled the trigger: wounding herself in the left knee.

***

Grandpa was driving his 7 year old granddaughter to school when he beeped the horn.

"I did that accidentally."

"I know that, Grandpa," she said.

"How did you know that?"

"Because you didn't say 'asshole' afterwards."

***

A retired widow has to resort to turning tricks to pay the bills. She's arrested and sent to the judge for sentencing. The judge, never having to sentence such an old hooker, calls a recess to consult with a fellow judge: "What would you give an 80 year old hooker?"

"Four, five dollars tops."

***

An old fart marries a 20 year old and within three months she's pregnant. He attends all of the Lamaze and prenatal classes and he's constantly bragging to the obstetrician, "Just because there's snow on the roof don't mean there's no fire in the furnace."

On the big day the doctor tells him, "Your wife just gave birth to twin boys."

"Like I've been telling you, just because there's snow on the roof don't mean there's no fire in the furnace."

"There may be," said the doctor, "fire in the furnace, but I'd check the filter because these kids are black."

Did you hear about the aging movie star?

If she has her face lifted one more time, she'll be a bearded lady.

***

What do old women have between their boobs that young women don't?

Their belly buttons.

***

How did Wal-Mart double its pet food sales in one week?

They began a senior citizens discount.

***

The elderly tycoon and his buxom young new wife were on their way from the wedding reception to their honeymoon suite when he had a heart attack. He was rushed to the emergency room and paramedics hovered over him as life leaked from his body. "Young lady," said one of the paramedics, "he's fading fast. Whisper some words of encouragement into his ear."

She said, "Sweetheart? You'd better perk up real fast because I'm so horny I'm ready to suck this cute paramedic's cock."

***

How do you know when you're really, really old?

When you remember a heavyweight championship fight between two white guys.

***

Two old guys are sitting on a park bench. "I'm no spring chicken, but I think my wife is over the hill," said Harvey.

"What makes you think that?" asked Fred.

"Last night I was sucking her tits and then I went down on her simply by turning my head."

***

What's the difference between an old man and a penis?

When you rub a penis the wrinkles disappear.

***

The young prostitute was a little disappointed when she saw the geriatric customer enter the whorehouse and pay to be hers for the evening. But once they hit the sheets the wrinkled old man knew exactly how and where to touch her: he sent her to the absolute heights of orgiastic splendor. She said, "That was fantastic, old man. Think you could do it again?"

"I believe I could muster up another erection," he said. "But I'm 95 years old and I need a little nap. While I'm sleeping, I need you to keep both your hands on my cock just like this."

"Whatever you say, Love Muffin."

He napped, then awoke up and pounded her until she begged for mercy; then he pounded her some more. While he was getting dressed she asked, "That was fantastic but why did you need me to keep both hands on your tally-whacker while you were napping?"

"Because the last time I was here I fell asleep and the whore I was with took my wallet."

***

The real estate agent concluded his sales pitch to the retired couple by saying, "Not only is this a wonderful neighborhood and a fantastic piece of property, but it's an incredible investment opportunity."

"At my age," said the man, "I don't even buy green bananas."

***

What's the definition of an optimist?

An 83 year old man who's getting married for the fifth time and starts looking for a house in a good school district.

***

Two kids were talking about their grandpas. One said, "Mine doesn't smoke, drink, eat sugar or red meat. Next week he'll celebrate his 99th birthday."

The other one said, "How?"

***

Jim, shopping in Safeway, noticed that an older lady had been following him down every aisle. He turned and asked politely, "May I help you, maam?"

"I'm so flustered," she said. "You look like my grandson. He's stationed in Iraq. I apologize."

"No apologies necessary. In fact, let me push your cart and help you with your shopping."

"Thanks. In fact, call me Grandma."

"I'm Jim."

"You're a sweetheart."

So they shop for half-an-hour, Jim helps "Grandma" load up her cart and empty it. The clerk scans everything and she says, "Bye, Jim."

"Bye Grandma." And Jim unloads the contents of his basket: frozen peas, frozen pizza, a pack of razors, Mad Magazine, and a six-pack of Tuborg.

The clerk said, "That'll be $278.79."

"Bullshit. It should be like, $23!"

"But your grandma said you're paying for her stuff."

***

How do you know when you're past your sexual prime?

When you hire three hookers for the night and the only thing that comes is daybreak.

***

What's the difference between being old and being young?

You're old when it takes you all night to do what you used to do all night.

***

Grandma comes downstairs to breakfast all smiles. "What are you so happy about Grandma?" asks Suzie.

"I just broke a mirror."

"But that means you'll have seven years of bad luck," says Suzie.

"I know. Isn't it wonderful!"

***

An old man is walking his dog when he sees a little kid sitting on a park bench crying. "Why are you crying, sonny boy?" asks the old man.

"I can't do what the big boys do."

The old man sat down beside the boy and started crying.

***

Every day for three years, Fred walks down the hallway of the nursing home and into Lois' room. He pulls down his pants and sits on the bed while she fondles his flaccid cock for an hour. One Monday, he doesn't show up. Lois asks him at dinner, "Where were you today?"

"I was in Mary Harper's room."

"What does she have that I don't have?"

"Parkinson's disease."

***

How'd the old man beat the rape accusation?

His evidence just wouldn't stand up in court.

***

One Sunday afternoon an elderly gentleman went to the drugstore and purchased two dozen condoms. The next Sunday he was back for two dozen more. And the Sunday after that, the same. The pharmacist finally asked him, "Sir, you must be a sexual athlete to use 24 condoms a week. What is your secret?"

"I haven't had sex since Clinton's administration."

"Then why two dozen condoms a week?"

"I feed him to my wife's poodle so he shits in these neat plastic bundles."

***

A wealthy 72 year old man just married a hot 32 year old chick. After the ceremony, the priest asked, "How'd a codger like you get such a beautiful young wife?"

"I told her I was 95."

***

An old man walks into an ice cream parlor, orders a chocolate sundae and slowly lowers himself slowly onto the stool. The girl behind the counter asks, "Crushed nuts?"

"No," he says, "arthritis."

***

Grandpa is telling his eight year old granddaughter about his hunting adventures. "I was alone, in Africa. No gun, being stalked by ten lions."

"Grandpa, the last time you told me this story there were only three lions."

"The last time I told you the story you were too young to hear the terrible truth."

***

Man's Three Rules About Getting Old

1) Never, ever pass the bathroom.

2) Never, ever waste a hard on.

3) Never, ever trust a fart.

***

A 30 year old divorcee married the 90 year old Mr. Washington figuring she'd soon inherit his money. She wasn't looking forward to sex with the old fucker, but, what the hell, it was worth it. On their wedding night he stacked a dozen condoms on the nightstand and stuffed cotton up his nose and in his ears. She pulled a piece of cotton out of one ear and asked, "I think your optimism with the twelve condoms is cute. But why the cotton?"

"There two things," he said, "in this world that I can't stand: the sound of a woman screaming and the smell of burning rubber."

***

Three old farts are sitting on the park bench. One says, "I owe my longevity to wheat germ and goat's milk."

The next says, "I've been vegetarian for all of my 93 years."

The third says, "I drink, smoke, use drugs, and fuck anything that moves."

"That's amazing," says the first guy. "How old are you?"

"Almost 37."

***

Three old guys are sitting on the park bench. One of them says, "I haven't had sex since Clinton's first term."

The second says: "I haven't sex since the 1988 Olympics."

The third says: "My wife and I do it doggy style every night."

"Really?"

"Yeah, I sit up and beg; she rolls over and plays dead."

***

The same three guys are recalling the exciting days of youth. The retired cop talks about his shootout with the Dalton gang. The retired fireman recalls the fire at the university when naked coeds were jumping into his arms. The retired undertaker tells of the time he had to pick up a corpse at the hotel. The body was under a sheet with an enormous erection. Knowing he couldn't wheel the body through the lobby like that he got a hairbrush and, in an attempt to deflate it, hit the erect cock with the brush. The cop and fireman say, "That's not exciting."

The undertaker says, "I was in the wrong room."

***

A widower and a widow hit it off and decide to move in together. The widow says, "I don't want to make a mistake by marrying you. How often can you have sex?"

"Infrequently. Is that okay?"

"Depends. Is that one word or two?"

***

A young boy rode on a donkey as his grandfather led them to town. They passed two women who said to the boy, "You should be ashamed of yourself riding a donkey while your poor Grandpa has to walk and lead the beast with a rope." The boy jumped off, helped his Grandpa up and took the donkey's rope.

Then they passed a traveling salesman who said, "You should be ashamed of yourself old man, making that little boy walk."

So they decided they would both walk.

They passed an old drunk who said, "What a couple of assholes, walking when you have a donkey to ride."

So both of them got on the donkey.

Then they passed an animal rights activist who said, "You should be ashamed of yourselves, two people on a donkey; you'll be the death of that animal."

So they picked up the donkey and carried it. They came to a skinny bridge over a steep ravine. First the boy stumbled and then the old man stumbled and they dropped the donkey over the edge of the bridge to its death.

The moral of the story: If you try to please everybody, you might as well kiss your ass good-bye.

***

Two old guys are sitting on a park bench. One of them says, "I've worked all my life as a teacher; when people see me do they say, There goes Sal the Educator? I've worked all my life with charitable institutions. When people see me do they say, There goes Sal the Philanthropist? I donate money for cancer research, when people see me do they say, There goes Sal the Humanitarian?"

"No," says the other, "they don't."

"I know. But all you gotta do is suck one little cock..."

***

Two old men were sitting on a park bench. One said, "I really enjoyed the Reagan administration."

"Glasnost? A healthy economy? The Berlin Wall coming down?"

"I could give a shit about all that," he said. "I had my own teeth."

***

A 92 year old woman returned home from bingo to find her 98 year old husband in bed with another woman. She hit him in the head with her purse, kicked the lady out of the apartment, then threw him off the balcony where he plummeted to his death, three stories below. At the arraignment, the judge asked her, "Do you have anything to say in your defense?"

"Your Honor, I figured that if he could fuck at 98; he could fly."

***

An old guy is amusing himself staring at a woman on a windy day. She has both hands on her hat, while the wind whips her skirt up above her hips. She notices the old guy and says, "What you're staring at is 45 years old. What I'm holding onto is brand new."

***

A t.v. reporter asked the 107 year old man's advice on how to live to such an active old age. "The secret is drink at least a pint of whiskey every day and get a good night's sleep every night."

"Lots of people do that," said the reporter, "and they die young. How do you explain that?"

"They don't keep doing it long enough."

***

How do you know if you're real, real old?

You can remember when beef, bacon, eggs, and sunshine were good for you.

***

"Doc," says the 90 year old, "I think I'm losing my sex drive."

"When did you first notice?"

"Three times last night and then twice again this morning."

***

Four old farts are golfing. Three of them are bitching and moaning constantly: it's too hot, the beer's too expensive, the greens are too fast, the rough is too high. Finally, on the 17th hole the fourth golfer explodes: "Shut up, all of you! Can't you see: We are on the right side of the fucking grass!"

***

Two 90 year olds go to a divorce lawyer: "We want a divorce."

"Okay," says the lawyer, "how long have you been married?"

"Seventy years," says the man.

"What are the grounds for divorce?"

"I hate her fucking guts. I despise everything she does. I hate the way she eats, breathes, and walks."

"Why stay with her for 70 years? Why a divorce now?"

"We wanted to wait until the children were dead."

***

Two 80 year old men are roommates in a nursing home. One says, "Let's make a bet. I bet you $100 that my cock is longer soft than yours is hard."

"Sucker bet, whip it out." They whip them out. "Okay how long is yours soft?"

"Fourteen, fifteen years."

***

Two 80 year olds went out on a blind date. The lady returned and her sister asked her, "How was the date?"

"I had to slap him three times."

"He was that frisky?"

"No, I thought he was dead."

***

A cop pulls over a married couple. Before he can even ask for license and registration the husband says, "Don't you have anything better to do than pull over honest, law abiding citizens? Why don't you try arresting a real criminal rather than picking on decent God fearing citizens like me? It's a goddam waste of taxpayers money."

"Officer," says the wife, "don't mind my husband, he always gets belligerent when he drinks scotch."

***

Mrs. Hurst was notoriously cheap. When her husband died she called the local newspaper about a death notice and was told: "Ten dollars for five words."

"I only need two words: Hurst dead."

"It's a five word minimum."

"Okay. How about: Hurst dead. Buick for sale."

***

How do you find an old man in the dark?

It isn't hard.

A waiter asks the picky and troublesome older couple dining at his table, "Is anything alright?"

***

A man retired and moved from New Jersey to the Colorado Rockies. He started having headaches and feeling nauseous. He saw every doctor in town and didn't improve. Finally, his wife told him to go to the outhouse, stick his head in the hole and breathe deeply for an hour. He did, and felt much better. He said: "It worked! What made you think of that?"

"I figured you were homesick."

***

Sal and Hal are taking their daily walk through the park. Sal says, "This is the best hearing aid I have ever worn. I couldn't hear this good when I was a little kid. This thing is fantastic."

"Really?" said Hal. "What kind is it?"

"It's quarter after three."

***

Did you hear about the new vaginal lubricant designed especially for old couples enjoying Viagra?

It's called Oil of Old Lay.

***

A senior charter bus is on its way to an Indian casino when an old lady approaches the driver and says, "I've been molested."

"Right. Go sit down, lady."

Ten minutes later another woman tells the driver the same thing so he stops the bus. He walks back to find an old fart laying on his back beneath the seat. "What the hell are you doing?" asks the driver.

"Looking for my toupee," says the man. "I've had my hands on it twice, but it keeps getting away."

***

An old man moves into a new apartment complex. While getting his mail one day his young neighbor is retrieving her mail in a bikini. He's gawking and she decides to give the old guy a treat. "Let's go back to my place, pops. I hear someone coming."

They get to her bedroom and she strips naked. "Now, what do you think is my best feature?"

He says, "Your ears."

"Look at these tits; this ass, this perfectly shaved pussy. Why my ears?"

"Because outside, you said you heard someone coming?"

"Yeah?"

"It was me."

***

A man accompanied his ailing wife of 37 years to the doctor's office. A serious and somber doctor approached the man after the examination and said, "I don't like the way she looks."

"Either do I," he said, "but she's a great cook."

***

Did you hear about the old guy who read so many bad things about drinking whiskey that he gave up reading?

***

Why do old guys take Viagra?

Because old women are fucking ugly.

***

"How much," asked the old man, "would you charge to fix my car?"

"What's wrong with it?" asked the mechanic.

"I'm not really quite sure."

"Then, about $1500."

An old guy walks into a department store and picks out a pair of frilly panties. He slaps them down on the counter and rummages in his pockets for money. The clerk, a virginal young lady says, "Sir, would you like those gift wrapped?"

"No thanks," he says, "I'll eat 'em here."

***

Eighty year old Mitch marries a 30 year old and his buddy Dave doesn't see him around the park anymore. Then one day he sees Mitch wandering around, weeping. Dave asks: "Mitch, Are you lonely? Nothing to talk about with the new wife?"

"No. She's great company and a wonderful conversationalist."

"Then you're hungry?"

"No. She's a fantastic cook."

"Then the sex is killing you; the sex."

"The sex is the best either of us have ever had."

Dave is confused: "Great conversation, food, and sex but you're wandering around the park weeping. What's wrong?"

Mitch wiped his eyes and said, "I can't remember where I live."

***

#  POTPOURRI...

With the school the drug problem out of control the principal decided to hire a private consulting firm. After one assembly the drug problem fell off nearly 70%. The principal, more than impressed, went to the head of the consulting firm to ask what techniques they used in order to get such a radical, almost immediate improvement. The consulting firm's CEO said, "We use a very simple yet effective technique. The consultant addresses the assembly, then walks up to the blackboard and draws a hole about the size of a peanut. And then he draws a circle about the size of a tennis ball. Underneath the peanut-size-circle he writes: This is your asshole on drugs. Beneath the tennis ball-size-circle he writes. This is your asshole in prison."

***

Murphy has just been told that he's dying of brain cancer: six months is all he has. He tells his wife and son Sean. They are all in tears. Then Murphy says, "I'll be taking Sean here down to the pub so he can have his first beer on the barstool I've occupied all these many years."

Down at the pub Murphy and Sean hoist a pint and share a hug. It's a small town and every man is there, so they come over and ask what's up. "I'm dying," says Murphy. "I've got the dread disease AIDS. Six months is all I've got."

They all have a toast to Murphy and walk away. "Father," says Sean, "you told me and mother that you're dying of brain cancer, now you tell every man in town you're dying of AIDS. Which is it?"

"It's the cancer," says Murphy, "it's just that I didn't want any of these assholes fucking your mother after I'm dead."

***

What's the worst thing about political jokes?

They sometimes get elected.

***

When will we pull out of Iraq?

If George Bush senior had pulled out 52 years ago we wouldn't be in Iraq.

***

How do you make 2.3 pounds of fat attractive?

Slap a nipple on it.

***

What's the difference between Adam Sandler's band in The Wedding Singer and a yak?

The yak has the horns in front and the asshole in the back.

***

What's the difference between a shithead and a brownnoser?

Depth perception.

***

Why doesn't psychotherapy work on men?

They can't go back to their childhood; they're still in their childhood.

***

The leader of the Martians sent a spaceship to earth to kidnap an earthling for scientific observation. The expedition returned with a television that they proudly presented to their leader. "Fools!" he said, "I sent you to get an earthling."

"But this," said the leader of the expedition, "is one of their Gods."

***

Two bums enter the homeless shelter at the same time. "You'll never guess what happened to me last night," said Scott.

"What?"

"I'm walking along the railroad easement and I see this woman tied to the tracks. So I untie her, carry her into the bushes, start a nice warm fire, play with her titties; then I take her clothes off and fuck her five times."

"Wow, what'd she look like?"

"I don't know. I couldn't find her head."

A woman on a crowded elevator said, "Whoa, I've been geesed."

The lady next to her said, "It's goosed."

"Hey lady," she replied. "I can count."

***

What's the best way not to regret in the morning what you've done the night before?

Sleep until noon.

***

How can a man marry the woman of his dreams?

Either exhibit a generous nature or exhibit how generous nature has been to you.

***

The pilot announced that one of the plane's engines had failed. A passenger turned to his neighbor and asked, "How far can we get if the other engine fails?"

"Precisely," he said, "to the scene of the crash."

***

What did Donald Duck say to the hooker?

Put it on my bill.

***

Peter Piper was playing strip poker with Pam and Penelope. He lost and got embarrassed so he took a piece of paper and placed it upon his pecker. Pam said to Penelope, "I gotta pee." While they peed Pam said to Penelope, "Penelope, doesn't Peter Piper's pecker appear peculiar peeking through that piece of paper?"

Penelope replied to Pam, "Pam, don't talk about Peter Piper's peculiar pecker, it makes my pussy pucker and I can't pee."

***

If you're an American when you go into the bathroom, and an American when you come out of the bathroom, what are you when you are in the bathroom?

European.

***

"Mommy," says the little boy, "I want to be a surfer dude when I grow up."

"I'm sorry honey," she replies. "You can't do both."

***

What time is it when you go to the dentist?

Tooth-hurty.

***

What do you call a day that follows two days of rain?

Monday.

***

The sergeant of a Roman galley told the slaves at the oars, "I've got good news and I've got bad news. The good news is you can stop rowing. There are double rations today and beer for everybody. The bad news is that tomorrow morning; the Captain wants to go water skiing."

***

Did you hear about the butcher who got behind in his work?

He backed into the meat grinder.

Why did the girl blow her lover after sex?

She wanted to have her cock and eat it too.

***

How'd the man quit masturbating?

Cold jerky.

***

Why do men shake their penises after they piss?

Because they can't train them to go: Sluuuurp.

***

Why were sponges such a great contraceptive device?

Because after sex the bitch could get up and wash the dishes.

***

After spending all his money at the whorehouse the man implored the madam for the loan of a dime so he could take a bus home. "No problem," she said, "if you eat it out of my pussy."

She inserted a dime and the man got down on his knees and started licking. After a few minute he said, "I got it." He walked to the corner, got on the bus, dropped it in the token box and sat down.

The bus driver turned around and yelled, "Hey asshole? How far do you think you're going on a scab?"

***

Donald brought home a bottle of champagne and gave it to his wife. "I want to make love to you," he said.

"I have a headache."

The next night he brought home a dozen roses, "I want to make love to you."

"I still have a headache."

This went on for two weeks. Then one night he arrived home with six black kittens and gave them to his wife.

"How cute, but what are they for?"

"They're six little pall bearers for your dead pussy."

***

What do you get when you cross a stripper and a fruit?

A banana that peels itself.

If whiskey make you frisky and gin make you grin, what makes you pregnant?

Two high balls and a squirt.

***

What's more difficult than getting six pregnant women into a Volkswagen?

Getting six women pregnant in a Volkswagen.

***

What's a red tickler?

A vibrator that's in a bit too far.

***

Did you hear about the prostitute who made two dates at the same time?

She managed to squeeze both of them in.

***

What's the best defense against rape?

Beating off the attacker.

***

Little Suzie went to the beauty parlor for her first haircut. She was a little intimidated, so the gay hairdresser gave her a chocolate chip cookie. This calmed her down as she sat in a chair, but after a few snips she started crying again. "What's wrong?" asked the hairdresser. "Did you get hair on your cookie?"

"You fucking pervert," she said, "I'm only four."

***

A blind man walked into a lumber yard. The manager of the yard asked, "May I help you?"

"I'd like a job application, please."

"But you're blind, what can you do in a lumber yard?"

"I grade lumber with the best of them," said the blind man.

"Right."

"State law says I have the same right to a job as sighted person."

"I'll give you a try out right now," said the yard manager and he grabbed a 2x4 and placed it on the ground in front of the blind man. "Tell me what this is?"

The blind man sniffed up one side and down the other, "It's an 8 foot long 2x4 with several knot holes. I'd sell it as framing lumber."

The manager got a piece of particle board and placed it in front of the blind man. Again he didn't touch it, he just sniffed up one side and down the other and said, "It's a 4x8 foot piece of ¾ inch thick particle board. It'd be perfect for floor underlayment."

The manager thought, I can't have a blind guy working here. So he motioned for a female employee to come over in lay down in front of the blind man. She did and the yard manager said, "If you can figure this one out I'll hire you."

The blind man sniffed up one side and said, "This is a little tricky. You'll have to flip it over for me." The manager did and the blind man sniffed again and said, "You've played a cruel joke on a blind man. This isn't a piece of lumber. It's the shit house door off a tuna boat."

***

What happens to Egyptian girls who forget to take their birth control pills?

They become mummies.

***

How are a woman and a bank similar?

She loses interest when you withdraw your assets.

Did you hear about the chick that was so fat she couldn't get out of bed?

She kept rocking herself back to sleep.

***

How did the madam at the whorehouse win the Entrepreneur of the Year Award?

She invented scratch and sniff business cards.

***

What do you call a stewardess who gives hand jobs?

A highjacker.

***

How do you say "bad pussy" in Chinese?

Tong Chow Yuk.

***

The new young hooker was so popular that the madam immediately gave her the bedroom on the top floor. It had its own private bathroom and bar and she was doing 20 to 30 guys a night. But after six record breaking months she told the madam she was quitting. "Why are you quitting?" asked the madam. "At the rate you're going you'll be able to retire in two years."

"The money is great," she said. "It's those fucking stairs that are killing me."

***

The madam hired a carpenter to build partitions in the whorehouse bedrooms so that she could keep twice as many girls. The carpenter cheerfully went about his work building the six partitions. He finished and presented an invoice to the madam. "You've misunderstood," she said. "I'm paying you in services, not cash. Choose any girl you want."

"No. You misunderstand, I'm a family man. I did the work. I want to get paid in cash."

"It's services or nothing." she said.

"Well, if I'm to be paid in services, I'll take you."

"Why me? There are plenty of girls with beautiful tight asses that you can choose from."

"I choose you. Take off your clothes."

She did and he shoved one index finger up her asshole and another index finger up her cunt and said, "You pay me cash or these partitions come down."

***

What's the difference between a surfer dude and a savings bond?

Eventually a savings bond will mature and make money.

***

What's the difference between a rectal and an oral thermometer?

The taste.

***

Why do men swim faster than women?

Because they have a rudder.

***

Why is a tight pair of pants like a cheap hotel?

There is no ballroom.

***

What did one ball say to the other ball?

"Why should we hang? It was Peter that did the shooting?"

***

"What do you have on," he asked, "that smells so good?"

"A perfume I bought this afternoon with you in mind. What do you have on for me," she asked, "that smells so good?"

"A hard on. But I didn't know you could smell it."

***

The big toe is talking to the cock: "I've got the worst job in the world. He stuffs me in a smelly sock, then into a shoe that pinches and binds, and then he walks around all day."

"You think you got it bad? My two best friends are nuts, I live next door to an asshole, and every night he sticks me into a cave that smells like fish and makes me do push-ups until I puke."

***

A thief robs a store and then says to the owner, "On your knees." The owner kneels and the thief puts a gun to his head, whips his cock out and says, "Suck me off or I'll blow your fucking brains out."

The owner does and the man moans and his knees buckle so he places down the gun and grabs onto the owner's head. The owner spits out the dick and says, "Would you mind pointing the gun back at my head? You know, just in case one of my friends walks in."

***

What do you call a skinny WASP?

A wisp.

***

What do you call a fat chinaman?

A chunk

***

Name the one that doesn't fit: herpes, gonorrhea, condominium?

Gonorrhea. You can get rid of gonorrhea.

***

The owner of the new flower shop is at her first Chamber of Commerce lunch when her dentures break. The man next to her reaches into a coat pocket and removes a set of dentures, "Try these."

She does and hands them back. "Too loose."

He hands her another pair.

"Too tight."

He hands her another pair.

"Perfect." She finishes lunch and returns the dentures. "Thank you. You must be the dentist in town."

"Nope," he says. "The mortician."

***

What does an IRS agent do when he's constipated?

Works it out with a pencil.

***

A man pulls down his pants and the hooker says, "Jesus Christ! You've got five penises."

"I thought you might notice."

"How does your underwear fit?"

"Like a glove."

***

What's the definition of eternity?

The time between your orgasm and her exit.

***

The Lone Ranger is outnumbered and surrounded. "Tonto," he says, "go get the posse. It's our only hope."

"Yes, Kemosabe."

The Lone Ranger holds off the marauding bandits for an hour before he sees a cloud of dust. Out of the dust rides Tonto and two whores. The Ranger yells, "You asshole. I said posse."

***

What did the hurricane say to the palm tree?

Hang on to your nuts, this is gonna be one hell of a blow job.

***

Why did Raggedy Ann break up with the Pillsbury Doughboy?

He kept giving her yeast infections.

***

Superman has always had a hard on for Wonder Woman. One day he's flying along and he sees her naked and writhing on the beach. He swoops down and fucks the tightest pussy he's ever had. "How'd you like that?" he asks.

"I've always wanted to do it that way," she says, "but I don't think the Invisible Man will ever walk again."

What do Payless Shoes stores and the post office have in common?

100,000 loafers.

***

Why did 10,000 road workers lose their jobs?

Someone invented a shovel that stands up all by itself.

***

What do you call an imported American car in Sweden?

A Fjord.

***

A bum in front of a Broadway theater says to a woman, "Can you spare a few dollars?"

She replies, "Never a borrower or a lender be. William Shakespeare."

"Suck my dick you fucking whore. David Mamet."

***

What's the difference between kinky and erotic?

Erotic, you tickle her twat with a feather. Kinky, you use the entire chicken.

What's the difference between red and purple?

The grip.

***

"What the hell happened to your feet?" said the newlywed to her husband after he took off his socks.

"They're mangled because I had tolio as a boy."

He takes off his pants and she says, "What's wrong with your knees?"

"They're deformed because I had kneesles as a boy."

He drops his boxers and she says, "Let me guess. Smallcox?"

***

What's white, sits at the bottom of the ocean and hates people of color?

Klu Klux Klam

***

Tom and John, best friends, make a pact to come back in a dream to tell the one who's still living about life after death. After John had been dead for two months Tom had a dream. He asked John, "Well, what's it like?"

"In the morning we eat, then make love for two hours. We take a nap then eat some more and make love for two more hours."

"I can't wait to get to heaven."

"Heaven? I'm a rabbit in Prescott, Arizona."

***

A little girl on a bus pointed to a pregnant woman's stomach, "What's that?"

"It's my baby."

"Do you love him?"

"Of course."

"Why'd you eat him?"

***

While cleaning her son's bedroom Momma discovered her 11 year old son's stash of S&M magazines. She asked her husband what she should do. "I don't know," he said, "but I'm pretty certain that a spanking would be out of the question."

***

A modern artist was commissioned by the National Park Service to paint a mural of Custer's Last Stand. He worked for months in secrecy. After it was completed he held a press conference to explain that this mural would depict Custer's emotions during the Last Stand. When the mural was unveiled it depicted Jesus Christ taking a huge dump surrounded by 10,000 naked Indians copulating. The room was stunned into silence.

"Why would Custer be thinking that?" asked one reporter.

"It's exactly what he'd be thinking," said the artist. "Holy Shit! Look at all those fucking Indians."

***

A gourmand is traveling the world to find the world's most exquisite dish. In Spain one Sunday he sat next to a man who was served this incredible smelling piece of sauced meat that weighed about ten pounds. He immediately flagged the waiter and ordered one. "But sir, they are only served on Sundays, one per week and there is a one year waiting list."

He made a reservation and the following year he salivated in anticipation of the feast. The waiter served him and it smelled wonderful but it was just slightly bigger than his thumb. "Waiter, why is the portion so small?"

"Señor, the bull does not lose every Sunday."

***

How can you tell if a blonde is at a cockfight?

He enters a duck.

***

How do you know if an idiot is at a cockfight?

He bets on the duck.

***

How do you know if the mafia is at a cockfight?

The duck wins.

***

How are women and college similar?

They are both demanding and difficult to get into and nine months later you really wish you hadn't come.

***

Have you seen KY jelly's new marketing scheme?

It now comes with pictures of missing gerbils on the tube.

***

How are parking spots and men similar?

All the good ones are either taken or handicapped.

***

Before leaving for Japan a businessman went into a bank in Manhattan for a $1000 loan. "I need some collateral for that, sir."

"I'll be gone three months, just keep my Lamborghini as security."

"A Lamborghini to secure a $1000 loan?"

"Sure, why not?"

The loan officer had the car tucked away in the bank's secured parking garage. Three months later the man returned and paid back the loan plus $125 in interest. The loan officer asks, "Out of curiosity, why would someone who could afford a Lamborghini and three months in Japan need a loan of $1000?"

"Where else in New York City could I possibly park a Lamborghini for three months in a secured garage for $125?"

***

A black man robbed a bank in Washington DC. The hidden camera caught him on four different angles and the pictures were wired to law enforcement agencies across the country. Ten minutes after the photos were wired the FBI got a phone call from a sheriff in Mississippi. He introduced himself and said, "I'm proud to announce that all four suspects were shot dead while resisting arrest."

***

How do Texas' laws about executing female murderers differ from those of other states?

In Texas, females who are on death row have to cook their own last meals.

***

In 1947 a seventh grade teacher asked, "Class? Who said "Give me liberty or give me death?'"

Tanaka, a Japanese exchange student said, "Patrick Henry."

"Quite good, Tanaka. Now class, who said, 'I regret that I have but one life to give to my country?'"

Tanaka said, "Nathan Hale."

"Very good Tanaka. And class I'm disappointed that a Japanese exchange student knows more about American history than you do."

"Fuck the Japanese," said a voice from the back of the room.

"Who said that?" said the teacher.

Tanaka said, "Harry Truman."

***

In 1982 a seventh grade teacher asked, "Class? Who said 'Give me liberty or give me death?'"

Mishimo, a Japanese exchange student said, "Patrick Henry."

"Quite good, Mishimo. Now class, who said, 'I regret that I have but one life to give to my country?'"

Mishimo said, "Nathan Hale."

"Very good Mishimo. And class I'm disappointed that a Japanese exchange student knows more about American history than you do."

"Fuck the Japanese," said a voice from the back of the room.

"Who said that?" said the teacher.

Mishimo said, "Lee Iaccoca."

***

Three boys find a $5 bill. "Great," says the first one. "Let's go get a pizza."

"You stupid fuck," says the second, "you can't get a pizza for five bucks. Let's go to the movies."

"He's the stupid fuck?" says the third, "how can three people get into the movies for five bucks. Let's buy some Tampax."

"Tampax?" says the first.

"What the hell can we do with Tampax?" says the second.

"I saw," says the third, "this ad on television; if we use Tampax we can go bowling, swimming, sky diving, horseback riding, surfing, bicycling, mountain climbing...."

***

What's green, has a blood alcohol content of 0.12, an IQ of 140, and is three miles long?

Boston's St. Patrick's Day parade.

***

Why is Santa so jolly?

He knows where all the bad little girls live.

***

When Minnie Mouse lost consciousness after a drug overdose how did Mickey revive her?

With mouse-to-mouse resuscitation.

***

What do you call a hot Italian chick?

A pizza ass.

***

What happened to the Wrigley employee who fell into a vat of gum?

His boss chewed him out.

***

Three women in the tribe were pregnant and the chief ordered their husbands to go get them whatever kind of hides the women desired. The first asked for bear; the second for elk; the third for hippo.

The braves fetched the hides and the women had their babies. They all had sons. The first two had six pound boys and the third had a twelve pounder. "Huh," said the chief, "Euclid was right. The son of the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides."

***

The couple in the back seat of the parked car were on the verge of fucking when a cop drove by. "Fuzz," said the guy.

She said, "What did you expect, cornrows?"

"This restaurant," said the diner, "is impeccably clean."

"Thank you," said the waiter. "Our manager is a stickler for cleanliness. We always carry an extra spoon in case someone drops theirs. And, we have a piece of string attached to our zippers so we don't have to touch Mister Winky when we take a leak."

"How do you get your cock back in your pants if you can't touch it?"

"I don't know about the other guys, but I use my spoon."

***

How are tits and martinis similar?

With both one is not enough and three are too many.

***

What is the only thing you can look down on and approve of at the same time?

Cleavage.

***

Why'd the two nudists break up?

They were simply seeing too much of each other.

"Weren't you self-conscious at the nude beach, Bob?"

"To be honest," he said, "the first three hours were the hardest."

***

Leaning up against a car the hooker said to the passing pedestrian, "What can you do about my itchy pussy?"

"Lady," he replied, "I don't know nuthin' about Japanese cars."

***

What's Pokemon?

A Jamaican proctologist.

***

How are a pussy and a punchline similar?

Neither are funny if you don't get it.

***

Why is Ralph Nader so humorless?

He can't recall any jokes.

***

A broom says to her mom, "Where do baby brooms come from?"

"Baby brooms appear nine months after their parents have swept together."

***

A homeowner poured a concrete patio. When his kids put in hand prints and wrote their names with sticks he went apeshit. His wife said, "Honey, let them commemorate the patio, don't you love your children?"

"In the abstract, yes. In the concrete, no."

***

Why did the headbanger join the mosh pit?

To mangle with the crowd.

***

A man at an auction lost his wallet. He went to the podium and announced: "I lost a brown wallet with $2500 in it and I'll offer $200 for its return."

A voice in the back said, "Do I hear $300?"

***

How do you say penis in German?

Mine shaft.

***

How do say heavy fog in Italian?

Bigamist.

***

How do you say venereal disease in Russian?

Rotsyourcockoff.

***

How do you say masturbating bull in Russian?

Beef Stroganoff.

***

What's the difference between a French kiss and an Australian kiss?

Same technique, only one is down under.

***

What's the punishment for bigamy?

Two mothers-in-law.

What's the downside of wife swapping?

Eventually you get yours back.

***

A man walking along a beach stubs his toe on a lamp. He picks it up, brushes it off and a genie pops out: "You have two wishes."

"Okay," he says. "I want to be hard all the time and get a whole lot of ass."

POOF! The genie turned him into a toilet seat at Grand Central Station.

***

What's the definition of ambivalence?

Watching your mother-in-law drive off a cliff in your new Porsche.

or

Watching your 25 year old trophy bride wash down her prenatal vitamins with Jack Daniels.

***

How is Christmas like working for a corporation?

You do all the work and a fat ass in a suit takes all the credit.

***

At a jet set cocktail party in New York a German says, "Austria is so close to where I live, I don't bother with the private jet. I just drive my customized $180,000 Mercedes."

"The same with me," said the Frenchman, "when I visit Belgium I drive my $400,000 1932 Hispano-Suiza."

"The same with me," said the Israeli, "whenever I visit Palestine I drive a $2.4 million Merkava tank."

***

Why did the militant feminist cross the road?

To suck my dick.

***

Why did the Republican librarian ban "Ivanhoe"?

Too much Saxon violence.

***

What did they name the Muppets episode where Gonzo kicked Kermit in the crotch?

Green Achers

***

A man hires a contract killer: "I want you to kill my wife and shoot the cock off that cretin who's fucking her."

"I charge $20,000 a bullet. You pay for each shot."

"So $40,000 minimum?"

"Yes."

"Let's do this thing."

The next day the hit man calls: "You owe me $20,000."

"I thought it was $40,000 minimum."

"I took care of both of them with one bullet."

***

The violinist worked nights and couldn't find a pianist to practice with him during the day so he bought a duet-yourself kit.

***

Cheney, Dick is what the vice-president wrote on the security questionnaire. Under nickname he wrote Hole, Ass.

***

What did the Russians do with the Chernobyl power plant?

They turned it into a synagogue.

***

How did Captain Hook die?

He got drunk and wiped his ass with the wrong hand.

***

The night school art teacher wanted to impress upon his students the importance of honing their craft: "I know of an artist so meticulous that he drew a cobweb in a corner that a cleaning woman thought so realistic she spent 20 minutes trying to remove it."

A housewife said, "Bullshit."

"I assure you, a talented artist can produce art that realistic."

"I'll give you that, but a cleaning lady wouldn't spend 20 minutes cleaning anything."

***

Do masochists ever laugh?

Yes. Whenever something strikes them funny.

How are bridge and sex similar?

If you have a good hand, you don't need a partner.

***

Surveys have shown that 98% of men masturbate. The other 2% don't have hands.

***

Surveys have shown that 51% of all women masturbate. The other 49% expect men to believe that it takes that long to take a shower.

***

Why do they call it a Wonderbra?

Because when she takes it off you wonder where her tits went.

***

Two applicants at Shell oil, one a country boy and the other a city boy, apply for a job. They get the same score on the aptitude test and have the same amount of experience so the boss says, "Since you'll be sent to Timbuktu and quick thinking is a pre-requisite, right now, make up a poem about Timbuktu. The city boy stands and recites:

"Across the desert's burning sands,

Stride the Sultan's caravans—

Camels marching two-by-two,

Their destination, Timbuktu."

The country boy stands, scratches his balls and says:

"Well Tim and I a'campin' went.

We found three whores within a tent.

Them being three, us being two,

I bucked one and Tim-bucked-two."

***

The CEO of a major company always scheduled his board meetings at 4:30 on Fridays. One day his protégé asked him why and he said, "It's the only time of the week these assholes won't nitpick every point I try to make."

***

Why do women have legs?

So they don't leave slimy little snail trails.

***

Why is life like a shit sandwich?

The more bread you got the less shit you eat.

***

What's the difference between a bartender on Ladies Night and a gynecologist?

The gynecologist only has to deal with one cunt at a time.

***

What did the tampon say to the condom?

"If you break we're both unemployed."

***

What do men have in their pants that women don't want on their face?

Wrinkles.

***

Why don't Santa and Mrs. Claus have any children?

Because he only comes once a year and that's down a chimney.

***

Why do cavemen drag their wives home by their hair?

Because they dragged them by their ankles their twats fill up with gravel.

***

Why do men have a hole in their cock?

To get air to their brain.

***

Two brothers opened a real estate company that was on the verge of being bought out; a deal that would solidify their financial futures. The broker from the purchasing company told them if they didn't get a cable from him by Friday the deal had gone through. The brothers waited all week and were ready to leave the office on Friday at 5:00 p.m. when a Western Union telegram arrives. With foreboding, the older brother opens the cable and smiles, "Great news."

"What?"

"Mom's dead."

***

10 More Examples of Bad Movie Logic

1) During every undercover investigation you must visit a strip club.

2) An explosion that destroys a city block always hurls the hero out of harm's way.

3) The hero can operate any vehicle ever built: helicopters, jets, farm equipment...

4) All grocery bags contain French bread.

5) Most detectives wear Armani or Bill Blass.

6) Overweight, middle aged cops can scale six foot fences and routinely catch 20 year olds in Nikes while wearing wingtips.

7) If your town is in danger from terrorist attack or natural disaster the mayor will hush it up for the sake of this year's film festival.

8) No one has herpes, AIDS, syphilis, gonorrhea...

9) Hangovers don't exist.

10) All whores have a heart of gold.

***

On a stretch of beach near Marseilles a young French woman throws herself into the sea. The half-naked dead body washes up and a local man goes for the authorities. When he returns, to his horror, he sees that a French sailor is fucking the lifeless corpse. "Monsieur," he screams, "she is dead."

"Really? I just assumed she was English."

A man is sitting on the beach reading. A woman sits next to him and says, "Do you like pussycats?" He immediately dropped his book, tore off her clothes and screwed her. She said, "How'd you know that's what I wanted?"

He said, "How'd you know my name was Katz?"

***

When Dick Cheney suggested to Bush that we should plant some Weapons of Mass Destruction in Iraq, Bush replied, "I didn't think anything grows in the desert."

***

Two men are in a train compartment with a woman wearing a long skirt. She notices them staring at her and says, "For $1 each I'll show you my calves." They pay; she does. "For $5 each I'll show you my thighs." They pay; she does. "For $20 each I'll show you where I had my appendix taken out." They pay; she stands and points out the window. "The hospital right over there."

***

A female cop arrested a man for drunk driving and told him, "Anything you say can and will be held against you."

He shouted, "TITS!"

***

A man is driving his convertible up a winding road. A female jogger yells at him, "Pig!"

He replies, "Bitch!"

Then he rounded the next curve and hit the pig.

***

A Senator from Arizona on the campaign trail visited an Indian reservation to give a speech. He concluded with: "I promise you better schools, roads, and medical care!"

The audience immediately bursts out into a rousing chant of Ya-ta, Ya-ta, Ya-ta. The Senator, walking back to the car with the Chief says, "I thought that went well."

"Yes," said the Chief, "but you just stepped in some Ya-ta."

***

Stressed out by city life a man moves to the backwoods of Maine. One night he heard a knock at his door. He opened it to find a burly lumberjack who said, "I'm your neighbor, six miles that way, and I'm having a party tomorrow night. There will be drinking, fighting, and fucking."

"Sounds great. What should I wear.?"

"Really don't matter. It'll only be me and you."

***

All the knights in the kingdom are leaving for the Crusades. The king entrusted the key to his Queen's chastity belt to the cook. They've only ridden a short distance when the cook catches up to them on his steed. He says, "You gave me the wrong key."

***

Did you hear about the midget with the 40 pound balls?

He's half nuts.

***

What is a Yankee?

Same as a quickie but the guy does it himself.

***

Why did former Enron chief Kenneth Lay buy the Playboy Women of Enron issue?

Because even though he'd fucked them he'd never seen them naked.

***

What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?

They both like a tight seal.

***

What did the bra say to the baseball cap?

You go on a head; I'm going to give these two a lift.

***

How do you catch a living bra?

With a booby trap.

***

A kid goes Trick-or-Treating dressed as a pirate. At the first house the lady says, "What a cute pirate, but where are your buccaneers?"

"Under my bucking helmet."

What's the difference between anal sex and oral sex?

Oral sex makes your day; anal sex makes your hole weak.

***

A newspaper reported that a truckload of Viagra had been hijacked. The cops are on the lookout for a gang of hardened criminals.

***

The FDA is requiring food labels that are more specific. Products will be labeled: No Fat, Low Fat, and Fat, But with a Great Personality.

***

A science teacher asked the class, "If you could own one mineral, what would it be?"

"Gold," said Tim, "because then I could buy a Corvette."

"Platinum," said Jim, "because then I could a Porsche."

"Silicon," said Sue. "Because my mom got some and now there's always a Porsche and a Corvette in our driveway."

What do you get when you cross a donkey and an onion?

Most of the time you get a long-eared onion, but every once in a while you get a piece of ass that'll make your eyes water.

***

A reporter in Iraq asked an Iraqi why the women walk ten feet ahead of the men. He replied, "Land mines."

***

What's the difference between Vietnam and Iraq?

Bush went to Iraq.

***

A conceited guy and a conceited girl are making love. She says, "Aren't I tight?"

He says. "No. Just full."

***

When Clinton was president an aide came in and laid a piece of paper on his desk. "What's that?" asked Clinton.

"It's the abortion bill."

"Just go ahead and pay it."

***

A horny drunk is walking home through a field of pumpkins when the urge hits him. So he cuts a hole in a juicy pumpkin and inserts his erection. A cop comes by and shines his flashlight on the pervert who says, "Is it midnight already officer?"

***

A man walks up to a hooker: "How much for a fuck?"

"Not so fast; I charge $100 for a hand job."

"A hundred?"

"Guaranteed the best you've ever had or your money back. In fact see that Porsche turbo over there?"

"Yeah."

"I paid for it, cash, with my handjob money. I call it my Beater Car. Okay?"

"Okay." He pays and the hooker performs a fantastic handjob. "I'll see you tomorrow night."

The next evening he says, "How much to get in your pants?"

"Not so fast. I charge $300 for a blowjob. Guaranteed the best you've ever had or your money back. In fact see that ten story apartment complex over there?"

"Yeah."

"I paid for it, cash, with my blowjob money. I call it Swallow Towers."

"Okay." He pays and the hooker performs a fantastic blowjob. "I'll see you tomorrow night."

The next evening, "How much to get in your pants?"

"Not so fast. You see that industrial park, that hotel, that mall?"

"Yeah."

The hooker gives him a peck on the cheek and whispers in his ear, "I'd own all that—if I had a pussy."

***

A nervous young couple approached the desk clerk. "Good evening, sir," he said. "Suite 16?"

"No she assured me she was 18."

***

A photographer reluctantly accompanied his wife to an exhibition of abstract painting at the MOMA. The photographer, standing in front of a painting that consisted of paint dribbles said, "This ain't art, it's fucking juvenile horseshit. I could eat a burrito, shove three open tubes of paint up my ass, fart, and do better than this."

The man standing next to him said, "Pardon, but I'm the artist and this is my self portrait. The random splashes of paint symbolize the fragmentation that the artistic soul undergoes in the modern world. What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a photographer. I like realism and photography is the only art that delivers it."

"May I see a picture that you've taken recently?"

"I've just finished a nude study of my wife." He reached into his wallet and handed the abstract artist a photo.

"Quite nice, but are her tits really this small?"

***

#  QUADRIPLEGIA, LIGHTBULBS, and 69...

QUADRIPLEGIA:

The father of a girl with no arms or legs pays his next door neighbor's son to take her to the prom. The girl's dad springs for dinner and a tuxedo as well. After the prom the boy says to the girl, "What do you want to do now?"

"I want to make love."

"How can we do that? You don't have any arms or legs."

"Take me to the park across the street from our houses, strip me naked, prop me up on the monkey bars and fuck me from behind."

They do it just like that; then he dresses her, puts her in the wheelchair and pushes her back across the street. Her father answers the door and thanks the boy profusely, slipping him an extra $20. "I feel like shit," says the boy, "I just took your daughter's clothes off, wedged her into the monkey bars and fucked her. Keep the $20."

"No, you keep it. Most guys just leave her on the monkey bars all night and I have to go get her in the morning."

***

What do you call a guy with no arms, no legs and a 15 inch cock?

Mildly handicapped.

***

"Dave is a really nice guy," said Barbara to her best friend Marie. "But how could you stand being married to a quadriplegic? I mean, don't you miss the sex?"

"Actually, I don't. You see, Dave has an eight inch tongue."

"Holy Shit!"

"Not only that," said Marie, "he's learned to breathe through his ears."

***

What do you call a guy with no arms or legs on your doorstep:

Matt.

***

In a pile of leaves:

Russell

***

Water-skiing:

Skip.

***

On a BBQ:

Frank.

***

Nailed to a wall:

Art.

In a hole:

Phil.

***

In a hot tub:

Stew.

***

With an erection:

Dick.

***

In a swimming pool:

Bob.

***

In a butcher shop:

Chuck.

***

In a mailbox:

Bill.

The neighborhood kids knocked on Mrs. Douglas' door: "Can Dave come out and play baseball?"

"Children, you know Dave doesn't have any arms or legs."

"We know. We want to use him for home plate."

***

What happened when the man with no arms tried to masturbate?

He was stumped.

***

St. Patrick's cathedral advertised in the paper for a bellringer. The first candidate who applied didn't have any arms. The curate said, "How can you ring a bell with no arms?"

"Watch."

The armless man ran and hurled himself at the bell face first. The bell pealed out over the noise and bustle of New York City. He retreated and, once again, hurled himself at the bell. But this time he missed and fell to his death. The curate called the cops and when a policeman arrived he asked, "Name of the deceased?"

"I don't know his name," said the curate, "but his face sure rings a bell."

The following day the armless man's twin brother shows up. Again the curate said, "How can you ring a bell with no arms?"

"Watch."

The armless man ran and hurled himself at the bell face first. The bell pealed out over the hustle and bustle of New York City. He retreated and, once again, hurled himself at the bell. But this time he missed and fell to his death. The curate called the cops and when a policeman arrived he asked, "Name of the deceased?"

"I don't know his name," said the curate, "but he's a dead ringer for his brother."

***

What's the difference between making love to a girl with arms and making love to a girl with no arms?

When you're making love to a girl with no arms and your dick pops out you have to put it back in yourself.

***

What do you call a dog with no legs?

Doesn't matter, he can't run to you anyway.

How do you take care of a dog with no arms or legs?

You pet him; feed him; then take him for a drag.

***

What do you call a dog with no legs and steel testicles?

Sparky.

***

Where can you find a dog with no arms and no legs?

Exactly where you left him.

***

What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No-eye-deer.

***

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?

Still, no-eye-deer.

***

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs that's having sex?

Still, fucking, no-eye-deer.

***

What do you call a cow with two legs?

Lean beef.

***

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef.

***

What do you call a girl with no arms or legs on a BBQ:

Patty.

***

At the beach:

Sandy.

***

On a roulette table:

Betty.

A teenaged girl with no arms and no legs is taken to the beach by her parents. She loves the sunshine and the sound of the surf and is soon lulled to sleep. Her parents walk down the beach to buy a hotdog and when she awakes a bronze-god-of-a-lifeguard is standing over her. "Mister Lifeguard," she says, "I don't have any arms or legs, but I have these perfect teenaged lips that have never been kissed."

So he kisses her.

"Mister Lifeguard, I don't have any arms or legs, but I have these perfect teenaged breasts that have never been touched."

So he caresses her breasts.

"Mister Lifeguard, I don't have any arms or legs, but I have this perfect teenaged pussy that's never been fucked."

"You've never been fucked?"

"No."

So he picks her up, throws her in the ocean and yells , "You're fucked now, baby."

***

An American with three eyes, one leg, and no arms is visiting London. He walks up to a taxi and says, "Can you give me a ride to Buckingham palace?"

The taxicab driver says, "Aye, aye, aye. You're 'armless. Hop right in."

***

What do you say to a drunk girl with no arms and no legs?

"Nice tits."

***

What's the hardest part about eating vegetables?

Banging your chin on her wheelchair.

***

What's the opposite of Christopher Reeves?

Christopher Walken.

***

What do you call a girl with one leg shorter than the other?

Eileen.

***

In Tokyo?

Irene.

***

LIGHTBULBS:

How many pessimists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Doesn't matter. A new one will only burn out anyway.

***

How many chiropractors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Only one, but it takes six visits.

***

How many mosquitoes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Only two. The trick is getting them inside the bulb.

***

How many Christian missionaries does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Only one; but 40 heathens will see the light.

***

How many Californians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Seventeen hundred. One to screw in the lightbulb; 1699 to file the environmental impact report.

***

How many sociologists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Sociologists don't change lightbulbs. They search for the underlying societal parameters that caused the last one to fail.

***

How many men does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Just one. Men will screw anything.

***

How many Vietnam vets does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

YOU DON'T KNOW BECAUSE YOU WEREN'T FUCKING THERE, MAN!

***

How many idiots does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Seven. One to hold the bulb; six to rotate the ladder.

***

How many sex experts does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two. One to screw it in and the other to critique his screwing and offer suggestions on how caring for the socket's needs will improve the quality of the screwing.

***

How many alcoholics does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Ten. One to screw in the bulb, and nine to drink until the room spins.

***

How many doctors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Three. One to consult a bulb specialist. One to bill the HMO. One to fuck the receptionist.

***

How many University of Southern California football players does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Just one. But he gets a degree in electrical engineering.

***

How many Darwinians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One, but it takes 200,000 years.

***

How many blondes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Blondes don't screw in lightbulbs, they screw in hot tubs.

***

How many lawyers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

How many can you afford?

***

How many ACLU members does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None. It might offend someone who enjoys sitting in the dark.

***

How many Teamsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Sixty-five, you gotta problem with that, asshole?

***

How many car salesman does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

"I'm going to work this out on my calculator and I think you'll be pleasantly surprised."

***

How many liberals does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Eight. Four to screw it in and four to fuck it up.

***

How many hippies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?  
Doesn't matter, they're all sitting around staring at candles.

***

How many NOW members does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Three. One to actually change the bulb. One to complain about how the socket has been exploited. One to entertain secret thoughts about "Bulb Envy".

***

How many Christians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Three. But they're really one.

***

How many Microsoft employees does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None. They just declare darkness the new industry standard.

***

How many pre-med students does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Four. One to stand on a stool and screw in the bulb and three to kick the stool out from under him.

***

How many country&western singers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Seven. One to screw it in and six to harmonize about how much they'll miss the old one.

***

How many psychiatrists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One. But the bulb needs to really want to change.

***

How many Christian Scientists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Just one. But he doesn't change the bulb, he sits in the dark and prays for the old bulb.

***

How many paranoid schizos does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

WHO THE FUCK NEEDS TO KNOW?!

***

How many bullies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Four. You got a problem with that?

***

How many rock musicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Seventeen. One to screw it in, 16 to be on the guest list.

***

How many guys from Brooklyn does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Fuck you!

***

How many actresses does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Twelve. One to screw in the bulb and eleven to say, That should be me up there.

***

How many politicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Five. One to screw it in; four to deny it.

***

How many plumbers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Fuck you, that's the electrician's job.

***

How many Democrats does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

137: one from each social/economic/ethnic group.

***

How many Republicans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Three. One to screw in the bulb and two to comment on how good the burnt out one was.

***

How many surrealist painters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A fish!

***

How many divorced women does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Six. One to screw in the bulb and five to form a support group.

***

How many Ph.D. candidates does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One. But it takes seven years.

***

What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb?

You can unscrew a lightbulb.

How many art critics does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two. One to do it, the other to say, "A six year old could've done that."

***

How many Hell's Angels does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two. One to change the bulb and the other to beat the fuck out of the lightswitch with a tire iron.

***

How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

That's not funny!

***

How many militant feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two. One to screw in the bulb and the other one to suck my dick.

***

How many aides did it take to changeGeorge Bush's lightbulb?

None. He preferred to be kept him in the dark.

***

How many AA members does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two. One to screw it in, the other to sponsor him.

***

How many computer geeks does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None. They just promote the dead bulb as a feature on their website.

***

How many Buddhists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two. One to screw it in and one not to screw it in.

***

How many real estate agents does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Ten. But we'll take eight.

How many dyslexics does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

enO.

***

How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two. One to assure us everything is fine while the other screws the bulb into a water faucet.

***

How many macho men does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None. Macho men aren't afraid of the dark.

***

How many necrophiliacs does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None. Necrophiliacs prefer their bulbs dead.

***

How many college guys does it take screw in a lightbulb?

Four. One to screw in the bulb and three to help him down off the keg.

***

How many Russian Premiers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None. Russian Premiers don't last as long as lightbulbs.

***

How many software designers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Sorry. That's a hardware problem.

***

How many Iraqis does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One hundred. One to screw in the bulb and ninety-nine to hold the house hostage.

***

How many economists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

How many did it take this time last year?

How many rednecks does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

What's a lightbulb?

***

Seriously, how many rednecks does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None, let the bitch cook in the dark.

***

How many Jewish American Princesses does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two. One to call daddy and the other to open the diet Pepsi.

***

69:

How are going down on a woman and the mafia similar?

With either, one slip of the tongue will put you in deep shit.

***

What's the square root of 69?

Ate something.

***

What do you call two yuppies having oral sex?

Sixty-something

***

What is 34 and ½?

69 for midgets.

***

What comes after 69?

Mouthwash.

***

An elderly couple are watching television when they get the urge to have sex right there in the living room. They strip naked and assume the 69 position. "I hate to complain honey," he says, "but you are really dry tonight."

"You're licking the carpet."

***

What is the difference between eating pussy in the 69 position and driving in a thick fog?

In a thick fog you can't see the asshole in front of you.

***

What's the most dangerous sexual position?

69 with a cannibal.

***

How do you say 69 in Chinese?

Two can chew.

***

What's 68?

Suck my dick and I'll owe you one.

***

Why do women like 77 more than 69?

They get ate more.

***

Why do women like 88 more than 77?

They get ate twice.

What is 96?

After you 69, you roll over and shit in each other's hair.

***

The owner of a Chinese restaurant and his wife are in bed. They start to get into it and he says, "How about a little 69?"

She slaps him and says, "How can you think of hot and sour soup at a moment like this?"

***

What's the speed limit for a woman having sex?

68, because if it's 69, she blows a rod.

***

#  REDNECK...

A redneck woman walks into a gun shop and says, "I'd like to buy a shotgun for my husband."

"What does he like: .10 gauge, .12 gauge, .14 gauge?"

"Doesn't matter. The dumb fuck doesn't even know that I am going to shoot him."

***

What's a nine year old redneck say the first time she has sex?

"Hey Pa, you're crushing my smokes!"

"What'd you do in school today Jethro?"

"We went for a nature hike and ended up skinny dipping at the lake. And you know, Mama, I got the biggest cock in fifth grade."

"That's cuz you're 20, Jethro."

***

How can you tell the redneck Amish in your neighborhood?

They have a dead horse up on blocks in their front yard.

***

Two redneck gals are gossiping while walking through the Piggly Wiggly. "How was your date with Billy last night?"

"We sat on the couch and immediately he started groping my ass. So I slapped him as hard as I could right across the face. But I regretted it as soon as I hit him."

"You have feelings for him?"

"No. The asshole was chewing tobacco."

***

A redneck came to work one day and started passing cigars out to celebrate the birth of his son. "Congratulations Billy Bob," said his boss. "How much did the little 'un weigh?"

"5 lbs. 7 oz."

"That's kind of small isn't it?"

"It's not bad," said Billy Bob. "Considering we've only been married two months."

***

What do you call a dozen rednecks at an orgy?

A family reunion.

***

How we know that Adam and Eve were from West Virginia?

Because they had no house, no car, no job—but still thought they were living in paradise.

***

The preacher said to 11 year old Mary Kate, "Now Mary Kate, could you tell our Sunday school class the name of the first man?"

"I could; but I promised him I wouldn't."

Why did 18 rednecks go to the same movie?

Because of the sign: 17 and Under Not Allowed

***

Two counterfeiters from New York made a mistake, and instead of printing $20 bills they printed $18 bills. "How the fuck," said Vinny, "do we move $18 bills?"

"We go down south," said Frank, "and pass them off on those stupid rednecks. They're so fucking gullible down there they'll go for anything."

So Frank and Vinny take a tour of the south. They bought beer, cigarettes, and gas with $18 bills—all the time keeping the change. But it was too slow so Vinny finally entered the First National Bank, walked up to the teller and asked if they could change these $18's for smaller bills.

She said, "No problem. Would you like sixes or nines?"

***

A Southern football coach, determined to teach his team about the evils of alcohol, took a worm and dropped it into a bottle of vodka. The worm shriveled and died. "What," said the coach, "have you learned from this?"

His star linebacker said, "I learned that if I drink enough vodka I'll never have the problems with worms that my momma has."

***

A redneck's definition of a perfect woman?

A blind, dumb, deaf, nymphomaniac who owns a chain of liquor stores.

***

What is XX?

A redneck cosigning for his brother.

***

Why didn't the redneck get the job as assistant manager at Wal Mart?

Instead of shaking hands, he asked them to pull his finger; he listed alien abductions as explanations for the gaps in his job history; and he referred to seventh grade as his senior year.

***

What did the redneck say to the Victoria's Secret's sales person?

Do these come in children's sizes?

Did you hear about the redneck who died and left his entire estate to his beloved widow?

But she can't touch it until she's 14.

***

What's the difference between a farmer and a redneck?

The farmer raises livestock. The redneck gets involved emotionally.

***

How do you know when you're staying in a redneck hotel?

You call the front desk and say, "I've got a leak in my sink." And the clerk says, "Go ahead. Everyone else does."

***

How can you tell if a redneck is married?

There are chewing tobacco stains on both sides of his pickup.

***

What happened when the redneck heard he had finally graduated from fifth grade?

He got so excited he cut himself shaving.

***

A redneck had a sex-crazed rooster. The first day on the farm the rooster fucked all the chickens, then the ducks, then the horses and cows, and then the family dog. The next morning the redneck farmer saw him lying still, being circled by buzzards. "I knew it," he said, "you fucked yourself to death."

"Shut up," said the rooster as he pointed up at the buzzards. "They're getting lower."

***

What do they use to hunt deer in Mississippi?

Buicks.

***

What do you call a virgin in the Deep South?

A girl who can outrun her brothers.

***

How does a redneck mama teach her kids how to put on their underwear?

Yellow in the front; brown in the back.

***

What's long and hard on a redneck?

Third grade.

***

A horny farmboy stuck his cock into the milking machine and had the orgasm of his life. But he couldn't extricate his cock. An hour later his dad entered the barn. Farmboy says, "Sorry daddy. But I can't get my cock outta this here machine."

"Because it needs a quart before it disengages. I'll be right back."

The farmboy expected daddy to return with some tools, but he re-entered the barn carrying a glass of water which he handed to farmboy. "What do I need a glass of water for, daddy?"

"To wash down these here Viagras."

***

A young lady's car breaks down out in the country. She walks to the nearest farmhouse and asks to spend the night. "Sure," says the farmer, "but I have twin 20 year old boys. No hanky-panky."

"Fine."

She tries to sleep but can't, knowing there are two young studs in the next room. She creeps next door and awakens them with blowjobs and hands them rubbers. "Put these on or you'll get me pregnant."

And so they fuck all night long.

Thirty-five years later the twins are on the porch reminiscing. "Remember that lady we screwed?"

"Yeah."

"Do you think she got pregnant?"

"Nope."

"Think it'd be okay to take off these here rubbers?"

***

Why did the redneck woman cross the road?

Why isn't the bitch in the kitchen making dinner?

***

How did whiskey break up the redneck marriage?

The still in their kitchen exploded.

***

What do the Unabomber and a redneck girl have in common?

They were both fingered by their brothers.

The redneck checked into a motel with a hooker and signed the motel register. The clerk said, "I've people sign in with an X before, but never an X with a circle around it. What's up?"

"I'm with a hooker, dipshit. You don't think I'd use my real name."

***

The redneck filling out a job application checked both the M and F boxes under SEX. Then he wrote in the margin, "But we fuck on Wednesday and Saturday too."

***

Three rednecks spotted a sheep stuck in the fence. "Man," said the first, "I wish that sheep was one of the Dixie Chicks."

"Man," said the second, "I wish that sheep was Taylor Swift."

"Man," said the third, "I wish it was dark."

***

Why'd the redneck caterer have two wedding cakes at the ceremony?

One was to keep the flies off the bride.

Two rednecks head up to Minnesota to try ice fishing. They get out on the ice and fire up the chainsaw when they hear a booming voice: "There are no fish beneath the ice!"

In awe they say, "Is that you God?"

"No, it's the owner of the skating rink and there are no fish under that ice!"

***

A traveling salesman had the time of his life with a young widow named Lara on a recent trip to the Carolinas. When he returned to Pennsylvania he wrote her a thank you note:

Dear Hollyhock,

I had such a great time with you. If I'm ever within 200 miles of your place I'm stopping by to say hello.

Davis

Dear Davis,

I'd enjoy that. But why did you call me Hollyhock?

Lara

Dear Hollyhock,

Look "hollyhock" up in the dictionary.

Davis

Dear Davis,

How sweet! I looked it up. Hollyhock: Does great behind barns, fences, and secluded areas. Not so well in beds.

Lara

Famous last redneck words:

"Bet you I'll make it, I don't even see a train."

"Just pull the trigger to see if it's loaded."

"If you knew shit, you wouldn't be a fucking traffic cop."

"Hand me a match, I think the pilot light is out."

"What does this here button do?"

"Hey fellas, watch this!"

***

How can you tell when a redneck has a younger sister?

His eye has a keyhole indent.

***

A redneck called his doctor and said, "That medicine you prescribed for me was for adults only, that right?"

"That's right."

"But I ain't got the adults; I got the flu."

***

A redneck lady is having abdominal pains so she visits the local clinic where the doctor prescribes some suppositories. She returns home, swallows two of them and becomes violently ill. After she's done puking she returns to the clinic and throws the remaining pills at the doctor, "You goddam quack, for all the good those pills did me I could have shoved them up my ass!"

***

Why did the redneck have to quit taking his pet duck to school with him?

The duck graduated.

***

A cop pulls over a redneck and asks, "Do you have any ID?"

The redneck replies, "About what?"

***

What's a redneck's definition of "Relative Humidity?"

The pool of sweat that forms in the small of your sister's back when you're fucking her doggy-style.

***

A redneck, plowing his field, sees his daughter run into the barn. Then her cousin runs into the barn. The redneck stops the tractor and goes to investigate. He opens the door and sees the cousins naked; his nephew hunched over his daughter. Pissed-off, he grabs a shovel and hits the young man in the ass. "Margie, I didn't think you had it in you!"

"Until you hit him in the ass with the shovel I didn't."

***

A census taker is deep in the hills of North Carolina when he discovers a double-wide in the middle of a field. A barefoot man is smoking on the front porch. "Excuse me sir," says the census taker, "how many people live here?"

"With me and the missus, 18."

"Eighteen? May I see them?"

The man starts rounding up kids, pulling them out from underneath the trailer, out of trees, out of the cornfield. But he can only come up with 15 kids. Finally he marches to the outhouse, fishes around in the hole and pulls out a three year old. "Here's kid number 16," he says, and tosses the kid back down the hole.

"Why did you," asks the census taker, "toss him back down the hole?"

"Shit mister, it'd be easier to make a new one than clean that one off."

***

A redneck junior high student is walking down the hall when the vice principal says, "Gretchen?"

"Yeah?"

"You missed our mandatory assembly on sex education this morning."

"Yes I did. But I have a valid excuse."

"What?"

"My baby was sick."

***

What's the definition of a redneck bisexual?

A man who fucks his daughters and his granddaughters.

***

Why are redneck girls bowlegged?

Because redneck men eat with their hats on.

***

Why are there only two pall bearers at a redneck funeral?

There's only two handles on a garbage can.

***

Why are there so few redneck monks?

Because the vow of silence includes farting.

***

A group of cowboys on a cattle drive were out all day branding cattle. The cook spied a sheep tied to a fence post, so he slaughtered and cooked it. The cowboys returned for dinner, but they wouldn't eat or talk to the cook. "What's wrong," he asked, "did I fuck up the cooking?"

"No," said a cowboy, "you cooked up the fucking."

***

A redneck was hunting bear in the back woods of Tennessee. He stalked a huge bear and fired. When the smoke cleared the bear wasn't there. Then the bear tapped the redneck on the shoulder, forced the hunter to his knees and stuck his dick into the hunter's mouth.

The next day the redneck not only wanted to bag a bear—he wanted to bag that bear. So he stalked all day and at nightfall he got another shot at him. But when the smoke cleared, the bear wasn't there. Then the bear tapped the redneck on the shoulder, ripped his pants off and fucked him in the ass.

The next day the redneck awoke at dawn, and immediately spotted his prey. He fired, and when the smoke cleared the bear wasn't there. Knowing what was coming the hunter turned and saw the bear towering over him. The bear said, "You're not really in this for the hunting, are you?"

***

What's the difference between a redneck and a large pizza?

A large pizza can actually feed a family of four.

***

Why wasn't Christ born in Alabama?

They couldn't find three wise men, let alone a virgin.

***

The morning after a wild party a redneck notices two rings on his dick so he goes to the doctor who examines him and says, "The good news is that the red ring is lipstick. The bad news is that the brown ring is chewing tobacco."

***

A constipated redneck visited the pharmacy and explained his problem. "Take one of these," said the druggist, "they are a very powerful laxative."

He returned home and took one. Nothing. So he swallowed another. Nothing. Then he took three more. The next day he returned to the pharmacy. The druggist said, "I take it you've moved?"

"I had to," he said, "my trailer was full of shit."

***

Why is it so difficult to solve a redneck murder?

Because there are no dental records and the DNA is identical.

***

How do you know you're in a high-class redneck wedding?

The bride's veil covers her overalls.

A Jew, a black, and a redneck are walking on the beach. They stumble across the proverbial bottle, and of course a genie pops out and says, "Whoever freed me from the bottle is entitled to three wishes."

"We all stumbled across the bottle about the same time. I don't know who kicked you," says the redneck.

"In that case, I'll grant you each one wish," says the genie.

The Jewish guy says, "I wish for a sovereign Zionist state, where every Jew in America can emigrate to and live a life of religious freedom."

The black guy says, "I wish for an independent nation in Africa, where every slave who was forcibly delivered to the United States may return and live a life of peace, harmony and tradition."

The redneck says, "Jews in Israel? Blacks in Africa? I'll take a 12 pack of Bud Light."

***

A redneck's truck done broke down but he needs some stuff for the farm. So he walks to the feed store to buy two live chickens, a goose, an anvil, and a bucket. To get everything home he put one chicken beneath each arm, put the anvil in the bucket carried that in his left hand, and carried the goose in his right hand. He's walking home when a buxom redneck teenager asks him, "Where's 222 Potter Hill Road?"

"I'm walking right by it. Let's take a shortcut down this alley."

"Wait a minute," she says, "how do I know that when we're in the alley you won't lift up my skirt, pull down your pants and ravish me?"

"How could I possibly do that? I'm carrying two chickens, a goose, an anvil and a bucket?"

"Well," she says, "you could put the goose down, put the bucket upside down on the goose with the anvil on top and I'll hold the chickens."

***

A redneck bones his sister. When he's done his sister says, "You're a lot better than Daddy."

"I know," he says. "Momma already told me."

***

A redneck walks into a whorehouse and lays down $1000. "I want the fattest smelliest ugliest most disease ridden bitch you got in this here house."

"For $1000 you can have to the hottest woman I have in his house."

"I ain't horny," says the redneck. "I'm homesick."

***

What's a redneck's seven piece camping kit?

A sleeping bag and a sixpack.

***

What's the definition of busy?

One set of jumper cables at a redneck wedding.

***

A redneck mama insists that her son take his little sister fishing. He protests, "But mama, last time I took her she ate all the bait."

***

A redneck is in a motel for the first time and there's a sign over the toilet that says, "Nothing goes in this bowl except paper!"

So he shit on the floor.

***

A teenaged redneck boy says, "Daddy, I need me some money so I can get laid at the whorehouse."

"We ain't got no money."

"Can I sell the mule?"

"Need the mule to pull the plow."

"Can I sell the cow?"

"Need the cow for milk."

"Can I at least have that old one-legged duck?"

"Sure."

So the boy heads off to the whorehouse with the one-legged duck. He arrives and says to the madam, "I'm 15 and ain't never been laid. But I ain't got's no money, all I got's this here duck."

"None of the girls would work for a duck but what-the-hell, I will."

So he unleashes 15 years of pent-up sexual frustration and she says, "Do it like that again and I'll give you your duck back." He does; she does, then he steps outside and is almost run over by a car.

He escapes but his duck is run over. The driver gets out and says, "I'm driving and drinking. Here's $50, but don't tell anyone. Sorry about your duck."

So he takes his $50, enters the whorehouse and spends it on younger fare. He's home in time for dinner and his dad says, "How was your trip into town?"

"Pretty good. I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, and 50 bucks for a fucked up duck."

***

What's redneck foreplay?

"Hey sis; you awake?"

***

What do redneck girls say after losing their virginity?

"I'm telling mommy on you Daddy."

***

Did you hear about the redneck who made a fortune?

She came out with a line of maternity clothes for juniors.

***

Bobby the redneck comes home and finds his wife scrubbing the kitchen floor in a bathrobe hiked up above her hips. He whips out his dick and fucks her doggy style. She says, "That was fucking great."

Then Bobby hit her in the head. She said, "What the hell was that for?"

"That was for not looking to see who it was."

***

A young redneck was bragging to his teacher that he knew all the state capitals by heart: "Ask me any one."

"Okay, what's the capital of Montana?"

"Easy. That one is M."

***

YOU ARE IN A REDNECK CHURCH IF...

People ask, after they learned Jesus fed the multitudes, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch them.

The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier, because none of the church members knows how to play one.

Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.

A member of the church requests to be buried in his four-wheel-drive truck because, "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of."

The choir is known as the "OK Corral."

In a congregation of 500 members there are only seven last names in the church directory.

There is a special fundraiser for a new church septic tank.

The baptismal font is a number three galvanized washtub.

The choir robes are embroidered with NASCAR logos

The collection plates are hubcaps from a 1957 Chevy.

***

Why did the redneck marry his dead wife's sister?

So he wouldn't have to break in a new mother-in-law.

***

How did the redneck break his neck while shopping?

The dumpster lid fell on him.

***

Why'd the redneck start rolling his own cigarettes?

His doctor said that he needed more exercise.

***

Did you hear about the new Native American country-western chart topper?

A Sioux Named Boy.

A redneck goes everywhere with his prizewinning rooster and he wanted to take the bird to a movie. "Two tickets, please."

"You can't take a bird into the theater," said the ticket agent.

So the redneck walked around the corner stuffed the bird down his overalls, bought one ticket and entered the theater. When the lights dimmed, he unzipped his fly and the bird popped his head out to watch the movie. The lady sitting next to him said to her husband, "This pervert over here just whipped out his dick."

"Just ignore him."

"I can't."

"Why not?"

"It's eating my popcorn."

***

How do you circumcise a redneck?

Punch his sister in the jaw.

***

What happens when you play a country song backwards?

You get your wife back, your truck back, and your dog back.

What does a redneck call a black man with a machine gun?

Sir.

***

How do we know the toothbrush was invented by a redneck?

If anyone else invented it, it'd be called a teethbrush.

***

What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?

Nuthin'. You done told her twice already.

***

Two rednecks were out hunting, arguing over what kind of tracks they were following. Then the train came by and killed them both.

***

What's a redneck's idea of loading the dishwasher?

Getting his wife drunk.

Two redneck kids were playing 20 questions. One of them thought up a sure winner: Horse Dick. "You'll never get this one," he says.

"Okay. First question: can you eat it?"

"I suppose you could, but I don't know who would want to."

"Is it Horse Dick?"

***

Did you hear about the redneck who married his sister?

They were relatively happy.

***

The redneck wife says to her husband, "You are a goddamned sex maniac. You can never get enough, can you?"

"Well, if you don't like it you can get the hell out and take your fucking sisters with you."

***

What did the redneck girl say after she lost her virginity?

"Hell of a brother you are."

A redneck pushing a tree through a buzz saw cuts off all ten of his fingers. He runs as fast as he can to the hospital and displays his bloody stumps to the doctor, "Doc, I just cut off all my fingers."

"I could sew them back on and you'll have full use of them."

"Thanks."

"Where are they?"

"Back by the saw, I couldn't pick them up you fucking idiot."

***

A redneck walks into a store and says to the salesperson, "Gimme some toilet paper."

"What color?"

"White. I'll color it myself."

***

A redneck family is watching t.v. The wife says to her husband, "Let's send the kids to the s-t-o-r-e so we can fuck."

***

What would Darth Vader say to Luke Skywalker if they were from Arkansas?

"Luke, you are my son and I am your uncle."

What's the definition of Southern Gentleman?

A redneck with a shitload of money in the bank.

***

Did you hear about the redneck gal that had two chances to get pregnant?

She blew them both.

***

TEN THINGS YOU'LL NEVER HEAR A REDNECK SAY:

1) She's way too young for me.

2) No more beer for me, I'm driving

3) I'll take Shakespeare for $1000, Alex.

4) Didn't Graceland seem a wee bit tacky to you?

5) Give me the small bag of pork rinds, please.

6) You know, just for a change of pace I'll have a salad and a glass of merlot.

7) Have we mailed in our donation to the Sierra Club yet?

8) No children or dogs in the back of the pickup; it just ain't safe.

9) I don't think I've ever seen this episode of Hee Haw.

10) Checkmate.

***

Did you hear about the Mississippi State Lottery?

The winner gets $3.70 a year for a million years.

***

Why'd the redneck drive his girlfriend to New Jersey?

She told him she wanted him, "To kiss her where it smells."

***

The redneck gal told the redneck guy to give her twelve inches and make it hurt. So he fucked her twice and dropped his bowling ball on her foot.

***

A lawyer from Boston is spending a brilliant fall vacation biking through the south. He's on his mountain bike on a gravel road when—ZOOM—he's passed by a chicken with three legs. The chicken hangs a right hand turn at the next road and is out of sight. The lawyer takes the next right and pedals up to the farm house where a man is smoking on the porch. "Excuse me," says the Bostonian, "but I just got passed on the road by a three-legged chicken."

"Yep," says the smoker, "we raise 'em."

"Why?"

"Take my family. Me, the missus, little Johnny. Everybody loves a drumstick. One bird; three drumsticks."

"That's fantastic. I'm a patent lawyer. Between these birds and my legal expertise, we'll both be millionaires by Christmas."

"Sounds good."

"But what do these birds taste like?"

"I don't know. We can't catch the little fuckers."

***

How many rednecks does it take to eat a deer?

Two. One to eat the deer; the other to watch for cars.

***

What do rednecks call armadillos?

Possum on the half shell.

***

What do you call Hee Haw in Tennessee?

A documentary.

***

What do you call Hee Haw in Alabama?

Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous.

***

Why did they raise the minimum drinking age in Alabama to 25?

They were trying to keep alcohol out of the high schools.

***

A redneck family travels to Atlanta to see the big city. Pa watches in wonder as the elevator doors slide open and whisk away a 65 year old lady with crutches and returns a moment later with a gorgeous 24 year old woman. He says, "Son. Go get your Ma."

***

What do you have when four rednecks are sitting on the same couch?

A full set of teeth.

***

#  RELIGION...

What's the best way to make God laugh?

Tell her all your plans.

***

During her prayers one night a teacher asked God why there was so much violence in American schools. A light shone into her bedroom and a voice boomed: "I don't know. I'm not allowed in American schools."

***

Why did Mary Magdalene want to have sex with Jesus?

She wanted to experience his Second Coming.

***

Why do guys attend church Sunday mornings after sowing their wild oats on Saturday nights?

To pray for crop failure.

***

A priest, a rabbi, and a minister attend a week long seminar on religious ecumenism. They become friends and at the seminar's conclusion they go out for a few drinks. During their second round a stripper gets up on the bar. "I'm certain that this young woman," says the minister, "has fallen upon hard times and is doing this as a last resort to feed her family." He motions her over and stuffs a $20 into her thong.

"That was very generous," says the priest. He does the same.

"Indeed," says the rabbi who takes out his ATM card, swipes it down the crack of her ass, takes the two $20 and leaves.

***

Sister Donna asked her fifth grade class, what they wanted to be when they grew up. Suzie said, "I'd like to be a doctor."

Bobby said, and "I want to be a policeman."

Leslie said, "I'm going to be a prostitute."

The shocked nun said, "What did you say?"

"I'm going to be a prostitute," said Leslie.

"Well, thank God," said the nun. "I thought you said you're going to be a Protestant."

***

How do Catholics make money on hot summer days?

They freeze Holy Water and sell them as Pope-sickles.

***

A man says to his Rabbi, "I think my wife is trying to serve me poisoned Passover cake."

"I'll talk with her," says the Rabbi.

"Thank you."

The next day the Rabbi calls, "I talked to your wife for three hours and I know exactly what you should do."

"What's that?"

"Eat the cake."

***

Adolf Hitler asks his astrologer, "When will I die?"

"On a Jewish Holiday."

"Why a Jewish holiday?"

"Any day you die will be a Jewish holiday."

***

A Rabbi, a lawyer, and a priest are on the Titanic. The Rabbi implores, "Children first! Children first"

The lawyer says, "Fuck the children."

The priest says, "Do we have enough time?"

***

Dick Cheney, Dubya, and Condeleeza Rice die and go to heaven. St. Peter ushers Cheney to a room with the ugliest woman in the world. "As a result of the way you've lead your life you must spend eternity with this hag."

He shows Dubya to another room occupied by an ugly, mean spirited woman and tells him the same.

St. Peter escorts Condeleeza to a third room. Inside is a youthful, handsome and virile Warren Beatty. St. Peter says, "Warren, as a result of the way you've lead your life..."

***

A parishioner sees two Altar boys sitting in the back of the church. Each of them has a quart of Coors stuck down their pants. He asks, "Boys, are you drinking in church?"

"No," says one, "it's just that Father Murphy likes a couple of cold ones after Mass."

***

What's the difference between a Jewish mother and a vulture?

The vulture waits until you're dead before eating your heart out.

***

How are a nun in dirty clothes and heroine addicts similar?

They both have nasty habits.

***

Where can you get good Cheddar, Swiss, and Gouda in Israel?

Cheeses of Nazareth.

***

"Bless me father," said the man in the confessional, "it has been one week since my last confession. I had extramarital sex with Pussy Green every day last week."

"You are forgiven," said the priest. "Say three rosaries."

Another man entered the confessional, "Father it's been two months since my last confession. I had sex with Pussy Green twice a week for the past two months."

"Who is this Pussy Green?"

"A new woman in the neighborhood."

"Very well," said the priest. "Say ten rosaries."

Next Sunday in church, just as the priest was preparing to deliver his sermon a gorgeous six-foot tall woman entered the church. Every man's eyes are upon her as she sashays up the aisle and sits down right in front of the priest. Her dress is green and short with matching shiny emerald green shoes. Both the priest and the altar boy gasp as she sits with her legs spread slightly apart. The priest leaned toward the altar boy and asked, "Is that Pussy Green?"

"No," said the altar boy. "I think it's just the reflection off her shoes."

***

Adam was so lonely that he asked the Lord for a mate. The Lord said, "For the perfect companion, compatible in every way, it'll cost you an arm and a leg."

Adam said, "What can I get for a rib?"

***

Three old men die and go to heaven. St. Peter says, "You are given transportation commensurate with how faithful you were to your spouses while on earth. All three of you get new Cadillacs." So they go for a drive to explore heaven. Later in the day the first two meet up with the third, who is parked and sobbing.

"What's wrong?" they ask.

"I just saw my wife on a pogo stick."

***

Three nuns die and go to heaven. To the first St. Peter says, "Although you've done the Lord's work, you've also touched several penises and you need to cleanse your hands with Holy Water before entering heaven."

"And you," he says to the second nun, "you've—"

"Excuse me, St. Peter," interrupts the third nun, "can I just go gargle before she has to take an enema?"

***

A priest with diarrhea asked the janitor to sit in the confessional for a few minutes while he relieved himself. The priest said, "Just say 'Um' and 'I see' a lot and give them ten Hail Marys for penance."

The first sinner arrived and confessed that he'd had oral sex with a man for the first time. The janitor thought ten Hail Marys was a little light so he popped his head out of the confessional and asked an altar boy, "What's Father Dave give for a blowjob?"

"Usually a candy bar, but if you stick two fingers up his ass and swallow he'll spring for a burger."

***

How do we know that Jesus was Jewish?

He stayed at home until he was 30, he went into his father's business, he thought his mother was a virgin, and she thought he was God.

***

Father Murphy hears a knock on the door at midnight. He gets up, opens the door, but doesn't see anyone. Then he looks down and sees two little leprechauns. "Good evening Father. I have a question for you."

"Fine."

"Do you have any leprechaun nuns in the parish?" asks a leprechaun.

"No we don't."

"How long have you, yourself been a priest?"

"Forty years."

"In that 40 year time span, have you yourself ever seen or heard of a leprechaun nun?"

"No I haven't."

One leprechaun turned to the other and says, "We'll just have to face it Clancy. We just fucked a couple of penguins."

***

A Rabbi is fascinated by Polynesian folklore, but he just can't believe this story. On March 2nd it is said that a giant arises from the ocean and walks ashore on a remote Polynesian island. The inhabitants of the island, known as Trids, run around and around the giant who gently kicks them out to sea, where they bodysurf back to shore and re-join the circle. So the Rabbi travels out to the island on March 1st and everyone is making preparations for the giant's appearance. Still skeptical, the Rabbi awakes and, holy shit, a giant arises from the ocean. The Trids run around him in a circle and playfully, gleefully he kicks them into the water and they bodysurf back to the beach. The Rabbi wants in on the fun so he joins the circle. He runs around for an hour—no luck. Finally he stops and says, "Hey Giant, why no kicks for me?"

The giant says, "Silly Rabbi. Kicks are for Trids.

***

A woman was concerned about her husband's drinking so she dressed up like the devil and was going to scare the fear of God into him as he was walking home from the pub. At 2:17 a.m. he comes stumbling along and she screams and pokes him with her pitchfork, "I'm the devil, come for your drunken soul."

Not at all fazed he says, "Did you know I married your sister?"

***

Why did the rookie priest quit?

He didn't like the fact that he'd given up sex to hear people brag about it.

How do you spot a priest at the nudist colony?

The cobwebs.

***

According to Rabbinical law when does a fetus become human?

When it graduates from medical school.

***

Why did God make Adam first?

He didn't want a woman looking over his shoulder.

***

Mother Theresa dies and, of course, goes to heaven. St. Peter says, "I'm a big fan. You've been so selfless all these years. Name anything you want for yourself and it's yours."

"I want world peace."

"You don't understand. That's not for you. What do you want?"

"Enough food to feed the children of Calcutta. My city."

"That's a little closer, but not quite. What do YOU want."

"I get it now," she says. "You know, I've always wanted to direct."

***

Why don't Baptists fuck standing up?

They're afraid it might lead to dancing.

***

The rookie priest had the bishop sit in to critique his style in the confessional. All the bishop had to say was, "I'd like to hear a few more Tsk, tsks and a few less Wows."

***

How do we know that Adam and Eve were Irish?

Eve looked down and said, "O, hair!" Adam looked down and said, "O, tool!"

***

If Eve wore a fig leaf what did Adam wear?

A hole in it.

***

Three men arrive at the Pearly Gates simultaneously. "How'd you die?" St. Peter asked the first guy.

"I was walking down the street smoking a cigar and a Maytag dryer landed on my head."

"How'd you die?" he asked the second.

"I came home from work early to find my wife naked in bed and the room full of cigar smoke. I ran to the front of the house and saw a man walking down the street smoking a cigar. So I went to the laundry room ripped the dryer out, ran up three flights of stairs to the roof, and tossed it onto the guy who violated my wife. But the strain killed me."

"How'd you die?" he asked the third.

"There I was, sitting in this Maytag dryer, smoking a cigar and minding my own business..."

***

"Father, this is the IRS."

The priest said into the phone, "But we don't pay taxes."

"It's about one of your parishioners, Dave Klein, who claimed he donated $15,000 to your building fund."

"That's correct. The check has yet to arrive but I'm sure it will when I tell Dave you've called."

A man in Belfast is standing on the ledge of an office building, contemplating suicide. A priest walks by and says, "Don't jump. Think of your children."

"I don't have children."

"Think of your wife."

"She's the reason I'm up here."

"Then think of St. Patrick."

"Who's St. Patrick?"

"In that case jump you protestant fuck! Jump!"

***

Jesus took a walking tour of hell to make certain there was enough pain being doled out. He liked what he saw until he spied Josef Stalin buried up to his chin in steaming rhinoceros shit: but Stalin was smiling.

"Josef Stalin," said Jesus, "why are you smiling?"

"Because," he said, "I'm standing on Hitler's shoulders."

***

Did you hear about the rabbi that ran into a wall with a hard on?

He broke his nose.

***

"I'm afraid to go to heaven mommy," said the three year old girl.

"Why?"

"If God sneezed I wouldn't know what to say to him."

***

Did you hear about the hot new Vatican website?

They sell inflatable altar boys.

***

What's the worst thing about being an atheist?

You have no one to talk to during an orgasm.

***

A 90 year old Rabbi was accused of raping a 30 year old women.

"Rabbi, did you do it?" asked the judge.

"Of course I didn't," said the Rabbi. "But after being accused I was so darn flattered, I just pleaded guilty."

***

Balthazar the Wiseman approached the infant's manger, stepped in some cowshit, and said: "Jesus Christ."

"You know Joseph," said Mary, "I like that so much better than Maury."

***

A junkie breaks into a house looking for something to steal. Tiptoeing in the dark he hears a voice, "Jesus sees you!" He has a twinge of conscience but he has to score something. "Jesus sees you!" Another twinge, but satisfied no one is home he turns a light on. There is a beautiful parrot in a cage who says, "Jesus sees you!"

"I thought I was hearing celestial voices," says the burglar. "Thank God, it's only a parrot."

"I may only be a parrot, but Jesus is a rotweiller."

***

The Pope visits New York City. He hails a cab and says to the driver, "Do me a favor, please?"

"Whaddya want, your Popeness?" says the driver.

"I've always wanted to drive a taxi," says the Pope, "would you mind?"

"What the hell. You're the Pope, right?" So the driver and the Pope switch places and the Pope takes off like Mario Andretti, taking corners on two wheels. He barely misses a school bus and runs a red light. Four motorcycle cops chase him and finally catch him on a street down by the East River where he can't go any further. A motorcycle cop draws his gun, gets off his motorcycle and walks up to the driver side. But he doesn't write a ticket, he walks away and waves the taxi on.

His fellow officer says, "Why didn't you arrest them?"

"Because that was an important and powerful man in that taxi."

"Who was he?"

"I don't know but the Pope is his fucking driver."

***

Why did God make tequila?

So the ugly chicks would have a chance.

***

A priest and a Rabbi both got new cars on the same day. They decided it would be the friendly and ecumenical thing to bless each others' cars. So the priest sprinkled Holy Water on the Rabbi's car and said some prayers. The Rabbi got some tin snips and cut four inches off the priest's tailpipe.

What kind of meat do priests eat?

Nun.

***

A nun on an Indian reservation wants to learn the local customs so she walks up to a brave with one feather in his headdress and says, "What does the single feather signify?"

"It means I have one wife to fuck."

She walks up to a brave with five feathers and asked the same question. He replies, "It means I have five wives to fuck."

She walks up to the chief who has a headdress filled with feathers and asks the same question. He says, "It means I fuck anything that moves."

She says, "Hostile?"

He says, "Hoss-style. Dog-style. Any style."

She says, "O dear."

He says, "Haven't fucked a deer. Their asshole is too high and they run like the wind."

***

Why can't priests and nuns date?

Because the priests might get into the habit.

***

Why can't Jesus eat M&M's?

They fall through the holes in his hands.

***

A stockbroker was sent to jail for insider trading. His cellmate, tattooed and muscled, looked like a career criminal. "I know what you are thinking," he said to the stockbroker, "but I'm in here for a white collar crime."

"What'd you do?"

"Murdered three priests."

"Why?"

He smiled, "Former altar boy."

***

A priest and a nun are driving down the road. Two cars are stopped, one in each lane and the drivers are casually chatting while holding up traffic. The priest politely beeps the horn, but they ignore him. He beeps again; nothing. The nun says, "Perhaps you should show them your cross."

"You're right, Sister." The priest leans his head out the window and yells, "Hey assholes, get the fuck out of my way."

A nun walks into a liquor store at nine in the morning: "Good morning," she says to the clerk, "I'd like a quart of tequila."

"Sister, I can't sell you alcohol!"

"It's for medicinal purposes. You see, Mother Superior is constipated and this works to relieve that condition."

The clerk sells her the booze and an hour later takes his break. In the park across the street he sees the nun drinking the tequila straight from the bottle. He crosses the street: "Sister, not only are you drunk in public, you lied to me. Shame, telling me this was for Mother Superior's constipation."

"I didn't lie to you, asshole."

"Yes you did."

"No I didn't, because when she sees me, she's going to shit."

***

A man walks into a confessional and says, "Bless me Father, for I have sinned."

The priest says, "You think you have problems?"

***

It's nearly midnight when a cabbie picks up a nun. They're making small talk when the cabbie says, "I'm single and unattached, and to be quite honest with you, one of my most alluring and erotic fantasies is fucking a nun."

"Well, I must remain a virgin for Christ, but if you pull over and climb back here with me I'll suck your dick."

He parks and climbs over the seat and the nun give him a fantastic blowjob. "That was great," he says, "but I lied to you. I'm married with four children."

"That's okay," says the nun, "I lied too. My name is Ted and I'm on my way home from a costume party."

***

A man dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter says, "I can't let you in."

"Why?"

"You've told too many lies."

"Give me a break. Weren't you a fisherman?"

***

During a hurricane the levee breaks and the town is flooded. The sheriff is evacuating everyone, but the local preacher refuses to leave. The sheriff says from the window of his 4x4, "I'm the last ride outta town."

The preacher replies, "God will provide."

The water rises and the preacher takes to his roof. A fishing boat putt-putts by and the man in the boat says, "The flood hasn't crested, get in."

"God will provide."

And the water rises.

The preacher is clinging for dear life to his chimney when a Coast Guard helicopter appears and lowers its lifeline. The preacher refuses sanctuary and shouts against the wind, "GOD WILL PROVIDE!"

And a wave washes him from his house to his death.

He appears in heaven and storms up to God: "You failed me! I trusted you and you failed me!"

God says, "Failed you? I sent a truck, a boat, and a helicopter."

***

Why did God invent liquor?

So Ted Kennedy wouldn't be Pope.

***

A priest woke one beautiful Sunday morning and had a terrible desire to play golf. He called the pastor, saying he was sick and drove 62 miles to a golf course so he wouldn't bump into anyone from the parish. On the first hole, a 540 yard monster, he made the best contact he'd ever made and the ball kept rolling-rolling-rolling: a hole in one! The priest pumped his fist in the air and screamed.

Up in heaven St. Peter turned to God: "Why'd you do that?"

God said: "Who's he going to tell?"

***

Why do priests shop at Wal-Mart?

Because of the sign: All Boy's Pants Half Off.

***

When does a priest need Viagra?

When the altar boy class exceeds 12.

***

How do you get a nun pregnant?

Dress her up as an altar boy.

***

What do Shaquille O'Neal and a Catholic priest have in common?

They're always taller than their sex partners.

"Father," said the man to the priest, "I want an annulment."

"But you just got married."

"I think I married my sister."

"How?"

"I don't know but when I pulled down my pants she said, 'Oh brother.'"

***

Who invented the first computers?

Adam and Eve. She had an Apple; he had a Wang.

***

A Morman and a Catholic were shipwrecked on an island. After a week with no food the Catholic said, "We're gonna die."

The Mormon, calm as ever, shook his head.

"How can you be so calm? We don't have any food. We'll perish on this island!"

"No we won't. I make $3,637,000 a year."

"What the hell does that have to do with anything?"

"I tithe 10%. My tight-ass bishop will find us."

***

The minister married a considerably younger woman. On their wedding night he excused himself and went into the bathroom to slip into some pajamas. He exited the bathroom and saw his new wife naked and spread-eagled on the bed. "Darling," he said, "I thought we'd start our married life with me on your knees at the foot of the bed."

"Okay. But that position always gives me gas."

***

A moyle who had kept every foreskin he'd ever snipped was retiring. He brought two big boxes of cock clippings down to a leather crafters to have something special made in commemoration. "I know just what I can do," said the craftsman. "Come back in two weeks."

The moyle returned in two weeks and was handed a bill for $750 and a wallet.

"Seven-hundred and fifty dollars," he said, "for a lousy wallet?"

"Rub it a couple times and it turns into a set of matched luggage."

***

What's the first thing Adam said to Eve?

"Stand back honey, I don't know how big this thing is going to get."

What's the difference between the actual body of Christ and a picture of Christ?

You only need one nail to hang the picture.

***

A man in San Francisco hears that Salt Lake City's number one television station's sports anchor has died. So he flies to Salt Lake to apply for the job. He gets in a cab at the airport and the cabbie asks, "Where to?"

"T-t-t-elevsion st-st-station W-W-WXRB," says the San Franciscan.

"Be there in five minutes. Why WXRB?"

"I-I-I'm going to be the n-n-new sp-sp-sports anchor."

When pigs fly thinks the cabbie. He pulls up at WXRB and waits at the curb, knowing the applicant doesn't have a shot. Sure enough, 13 minutes later he emerges from the building and re-enters the cab. "Didn't get the job?" asks the cabbie.

"N-n-no. F-f-fucking Morman w-w-wouldn't hire me because I'm C-c-catholic."

***

What's the real reason the Ten Commandments have been banned from public buildings?

It would bring the government to a standstill to have: THOU SHALT NOT LIE, THOU SHALT NOT STEAL, THOU SHALT NOT COMMIT ADULTERY, and THOU SHALT NOT KILL in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians.

***

How do we know that Jesus lives on death row?

Because everybody on death row insists, "I've found Jesus."

***

Two nuns were redecorating the convent. They'd didn't want to spill paint on their habits so they stripped naked. Soon there was a knock at the door. "Who's there?" said one nun.

"Blind man."

Since the man at the front door was blind they didn't bother to get dressed. They opened the door. The man said, "Nice tits. Where do you want me to hang these blinds?"

***

The first thing Adam and Eve did, of course, was fuck. After history's first coupling Eve went down to the river to wash up. God, watching, said, "Dammit! Now the fish are going to smell like that too."

***

"Good news and bad news," said Moses as he returned from the summit of Mt. Sinai for the third time. "I got him down to ten, but the adultery is still in."

***

A female Time magazine reporter visited Utah to interview a man with 22 wives. When asked why so many wives, he responded, "Women are simply property. I just have more property than my neighbors."

"You should be hung," she said.

"I am."

***

What do you get when you cross a Morman with a kleptomaniac?

A basement full of stolen groceries.

***

Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac who stayed up all night wondering if there really is a dog?

***

What do you get when you cross a Jehovah's Witness and an atheist?

Someone who knocks on your door for no fucking reason.

***

How do you know that God is a man?

It's been five billion years, and the planets haven't been rearranged once.

***

What happened to the priest that went to Mount Olive?

Popeye kicked the shit out of him.

***

A man walked into a Catholic Church on crutches. He hobbled up to the Holy Water, splashed some on his legs and threw away his crutches. The altar boy dashed off to tell the priest who said, "You've just witnessed a miracle. Where is this man?"

"Lying on the floor in a puddle of Holy Water."

***

The failing business woman turned to the Bible for solace and found it immediately. She'd opened the book to Chapter 11.

***

What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?

Make me one with everything.

***

A born again Christian bumped into a hooker on the street and said, "Sister, I prayed for you last night."

"You should have just come on down. I was here all night."

***

What's the difference between heaven and hell?

In Heaven:

The British are the police; the Germans are the mechanics; the Swiss run the government; the Italians are the artists; the French are the cooks.

In Hell:

The British are the cooks; the Germans are the police; the Swiss are the artists; the Italians run the government; the French are the mechanics.

***

How do you make Holy Water?

Boil the hell out of it.

***

A Rabbi is on his deathbed when he asks to see a priest. He converts and receives Confession, Communion, and the Last Rites. His wife, naturally, is confused and asks "Why'd you convert?"

"Better one of them should die."

***

Variety magazine reports that a remake of The Exorcist is in the works. It's about a mother who hires the devil to get a priest out of her son.

***

Fifty priests die in a bus accident. St. Peter greets them at the gate and asks, "Before I let you in, any pedophiles here?"

You can't lie to St. Peter so 49 of them raise their hands. "To hell with you all. And take that deaf priest with you."

***

Why didn't Jesus Christ become a lawyer?

He got nailed at the boards.

***

How do we know that the Virgin Mary was a stone cold bitch?

Even the Bible says that she rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem.

***

What did Jesus say to Mary Magdalene while he was on the cross?

"Can I borrow a pair of flats? These damn spikes are killing me."

***

Why do altar boys always make the honor roll?

Because behind every altar boy, there is always a priest, pushing, pushing, pushing.

***

A new nun complained to Mother Superior that she was beginning to regret her life of abstinence. The older nun said, "Comfort yourself with a candle."

"I already do and it's so boring: wick-in and wick-out."

***

Three men die on Christmas Eve and St. Peter, feeling magnanimous, says, "I won't even open the book. Show me something to do with Christmas and I'll let you in."

The first man lights his Bic, "A candle."

The second man rattles his keys, "Jingle Bells."

The third man pulls down his pants and removes a lacy black thong, "They're Carol's."

***

Three men die on Easter Sunday and St. Peter, again feeling magnanimous, says, "I won't even open the book. Just tell me what Easter is and I'll let you in."

The first man says, "Easter is when the Pilgrims sat down with the Indians and—" A trapdoor opens and he's sent to hell.

The second man says, "Easter is when you cut down a conifer, put lights on it and—" A trapdoor opens and he's sent to hell.

The third man says, "Easter is when our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ was crucified and buried. Three days later he arose from the dead and if he can see his shadow there are six more weeks of winter." A trapdoor opens and he's sent to hell.

***

A priest is walking down the street when a whore approaches him and says, "Hey Padre, how about a quickie? Only $20?"

"What, my dear child," he asks, "is a quickie?"

"Get lost."

A block later another whore approaches and says, "Hey Padre, how about a quickie? Only $20?"

"What, my dear child," he asks, "is a quickie?"

"You loser."

Thoroughly confused the priest approaches the convent and rings the bell. Mother Superior answers and the priest says, "Mother Superior? What's a quickie?"

She says, "$20. Same as in town."

***

What's the main difference between a Rabbi and a priest?

A Rabbi cuts it off and a priest sucks it off.

***

A priest visits the doctor and following an examination the doctor says, "Father O'Brien you have VD."

"I must have caught it from a toilet seat."

"You must have been chewing on that toilet seat because you got it in your gums."

***

A priest and a Rabbi are walking down the street when they see this Adonis-like blond boy riding a bicycle. "I want to fuck that kid," said the priest.

The Rabbi said, "Out of what?"

***

Two men were assigned the job, for eternity, to shovel coal into the boiler that kept hell hot. One day, the boilers fizzled out, and sweet air conditioning wafted through the bowels of hell. Satan said, "What the fuck in-the-name-of-all-that-is-damned is going on here?"

"It's just a guess," said Beelzebub, "but I think the Cubs just won the World Series."

***

An old man's wife dies and in order to ease the shock, pain and loss he gets a facelift, a new hairpiece, some plastic surgery, botox injections and starts dating a 23 year old. They are going to get married when he gets hit by a bus. He's furious when he gets to heaven and rushes up to God screaming, "How could you do this to me!"

God says, "Sam? Sam Franken? I didn't even recognize you."

***

What's one thing you'll never hear at a Catholic girls' school?

"Hey, what are you wearing tomorrow?"

***

What do nuns wear on dates?

Cross-your-heart bra and no-nonsense pantyhose.

***

Why couldn't Noah's family play shuffleboard on the ark?

Too much elephant shit on the deck.

***

After the flood two serpents wouldn't leave the ark. "You must," said Noah, "leave."

"It would be disobeying the Lord," said one, "who told us to go forth and multiply."

"So?" said Noah.

"We're," said the other serpent, "adders."

***

A traveling minister known for his impassioned sermons, started his fire-and-brimstone talk with: "EVERYONE IN THIS PARISH IS GOING TO DIE!" Everyone, except a man in the back, gasps. He begins clapping. The preacher asks, "Why are you applauding?"

"I'm not from this parish; I'm just visiting my sister."

The same minister, an hour later, has whipped the congregation into a frenzy and is asking them to Testify. A man stands up and says, "Last week, I spent my entire paycheck on booze and gambling."

"Repent and be forgiven!"

He falls to the floor and starts babbling in tongues.

A lady stands up, "I beat my children."

"Repent and be forgiven!"

She swoons.

A man stands up and says, "I like to fuck baby goats."

The preacher says, "I don't think I would have told that one out loud if I were you."

***

"Let me get this straight," Moses says to God after a private chat, "they get to keep the oil and we have to cut up the tip off our what?"

***

Why did God give women nipples?

Because he wanted to make suckers out of men.

***

What do you call a 12 year old girl who decides to become a nun?

A premature immaculation.

***

A young lady dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter greets her at the Pearly Gates and they are chatting. All of a sudden she hears a bloodcurdling scream. "What's that?"

"It's only someone having holes bored in their shoulder blades for their wings," says St. Peter. Another bloodcurdling scream ensues.

"What's that?" she asks.

"That's just someone having their cranium drilled to fit the halo," says St. Peter.

"I can't handle this," says the lady. "I'm off to hell."

"In hell you'll be raped and sodomized," says St. Peter.

"That's okay," she says. "I've already got the holes for that."

***

A young woman enters the confessional and says, "Bless me Father, for I have sinned. Last night I made love to my boyfriend seven times."

"Go home and squeeze the juice of seven lemons into a small glass and drink it down as quickly as you can."

"Will that wash away my sins?"

"No, but it will take that smile off your face."

***

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi were discussing how they divide up collections. The priest says, "I draw a circle on the floor and toss the money up in the air. What lands inside the circle is for maintenance of the parish. What lands outside the circle is for charitable work."

"I use the same method," says the minister, "only I use what falls inside the circle for the Lord's work."

"I too throw the money into the air," says the rabbi, "and I figure what God wants he can keep."

***

A young lady enters the church and is obviously upset. Father Murphy sits down next to her and says, "What is it?"

"I went out on a date last night with a young man...Oh I just can't tell you what happened."

Suddenly overcome by lust the priest slips his arm around her, "Did he do this?"

"Worse."

He kisses her and feels her up. "This?"

"Worse."

He undresses her. "This?"

"Worse."

He fucks her. "This?"

"Worse. He gave me gonorrhea."

***

How do you know when you're flying Vatican airlines?

The emergency instructions are written in Latin, so the good Catholics can get out first.

***

Frank and Mary McConnell were famous for their fights. One escalated so violently that the neighbor called the priest to come over and intercede. The priest walked in just as Frank had begun to beat her with a belt. "I don't care what you say, Mary," said Frank, spying the priest, "you're coming to church with me next Sunday."

***

On the seventh day God sat back, admiring his creation. "I think it's perfect," he said to the angel Gabriel.

"Not quite perfect, my lord," said Gabriel.

"How so?"

"Shouldn't the humans have differing sets of genitalia just like the animals?"

God pondered for a moment. Then he said, "You're absolutely right. I think I'll give the dumb one a cunt."

***

A teenaged girl enters the confessional and says, "Bless me Father, for I have sinned..." And she breaks down into sobs.

"What is it my child?"

"My boyfriend Jimmy just got a 1965 VW Bug..."

"Yes."

"And we had a few beers and went for a drive and parked and started smooching..."

"Yes."

"That's when I took my pants off, put my ankles in those little straps up by the door and Jimmy fucked me 'til dawn."

"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!"

"Is that a bad sin, Father?"

"Sad to say, in these days-and-times it isn't. It's just that I've wondered for years what those little straps were for."

***

After God created Adam, but before he created Eve he asked him, "How do you want to piss, standing up or sitting down?"

"Standing up."

"Okay, but this means the bitch gets the multiple orgasms."

***

An evangelist worked the revival meeting, making a blind man see, a lame man walk, and a deaf man hear. He approached a man with a cast on his leg and the man's wife slaps the evangelist who says, "What was that for?"

"He's on workman's comp."

***

Why do Rabbis wear yarmulkes?

Because those little propellers cost extra.

***

A priest and a rabbi are sitting next to each other on a plane. They're talking doctrine and clerical experiences and they really hit it off. The priest asks the Rabbi, "I know the Jewish strictures about eating pork, but have you ever sampled it?"

"Once, long ago, I ate a BLT. It was quite delicious. And I know about your church's celibacy laws. Have you ever indulged in sex?"

"Once, years ago, I hired a hooker in Las Vegas, just to see what all the hubbub is about."

"Beats the fuck out of a BLT, huh?"

***

An attorney dies and goes to heaven. He is greeted by St. Peter who shakes his hand vigorously and says, "Welcome. We have a parade scheduled for you in a half hour."

"What's the big deal?" asks the lawyer.

"We've never had anyone live to be 14,047 years old."

"But I'm 62."

"Huh," says St. Peter. "We must have added up your billing hours."

***

Two business partners die in the same plane crash. One goes to heaven; the other hell. The one in heaven, frankly, finds the place boring and asks St. Peter if he can visit his partner in hell. So St. Peter gives him a one-day pass. Arriving in hell he hears music, there's strippers, hash pipes, and alcohol bottles everywhere. He finds his friend with a beautiful babe in one hand and a bottle of Jack Daniels in the other. "This is the place for me," says the heavenly visitor.

"It's not all it's cracked up to be," says his partner.

"Whaddaya mean?"

"All the bottles have holes in their bottoms but the women don't."

***

A preacher who died and went to heaven immediately noticed that cab drivers were given a higher place in heaven than clergy. He asked St. Peter, "Why have these cabbies been given rank over people who devoted their entire lives to their congregations?"

"We award by results. When people rode with these cabbies they actually prayed."

***

What's black and white and gray and rolls around and a McDonald's parking lot?

A nun and a seagull fighting over a French fry.

What's black and white and red all over?

A nun with multiple stab wounds.

***

A Christian in ancient Rome is about to be eaten by a lion when he drops to his knees and says, "Lord, make this lion a Christian."

Miraculously, the lion stops, then kneels and says, "For this meal I give thee thanks, O Lord..."

***

A minister was asked by a local woman's club to give a talk about sex. Slightly embarrassed when asked by his wife what the topic was, he told her, "Sailing."

The day after the talk his wife bumped into a member of the woman's club who told her how informative her husband's talk had been. "Huh," said the wife. "That's odd, because he's only done it twice and he threw up both times."

***

A representative from Budweiser visits the Pope: "Your holiness, Anheuser Busch is willing to pay you $5,000,000 if you change the wording of the Lord's Prayer from Give us now our daily bread to Give us now our daily Bud."

"Can't do it. Get out."

"Fifty million?"

"No."

"Five hundred million."

The Pope pushes a button on the intercom: "Cardinal, when does our contract with Pillsbury expire?"

***

Jesus, hanging from the cross and nearing death, sees his apostle John. "Beloved John! Please approach the foot of my cross. I have something I must tell you."

John attempts to reach Jesus, but he is thrown to the ground by the centurions.

"Beloved John! Please approach the foot of my cross. I have something I must tell you."

John tries again and is repelled by the butts of the centurions' spears.

"Beloved John! Please approach the foot of my cross. I have something I must tell you."

John, scrambling up Golgotha, finally arrives at the foot of Jesus' cross and says, "Adonai, Rabbi, what is it?"

"Beloved John," says Jesus, who, in mortal pain, arches his back and raises his head, "I can see your house from up here!"

***

The preacher's sermon focused on the Ten Commandments. He noticed a man in the front row who got fidgety when he said, "Thou Shalt Not Steal", but the man relaxed when he said, "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery."

After the service the preacher asked him, "Why did you react to those two commandments like that?"

"When you said, Thou Shalt Not Steal I discovered my umbrella was missing. When you said, Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery I remembered exactly where I'd left it."

***

A conservative Baptist preacher trying to win over the liberals in his congregation preached: "And if an airplane carrying right wing politicians crashed with an airplane carrying left wing politicians, who do you the think the Good Lord would save?"

A little girl in the front row said, "The country."

***

What you call a sleepwalking priest?

A Roamin' Catholic.

***

How come the priest never lit up in the smoking section on the side of the church?

He preferred it in back with the altar boys.

***

THE FEMALE PRAYER

Before I lay me down to sleep,

I pray for a man, who is not a creep.

One who is handsome, smart and strong.

One who loves to listen long,

One who thinks before he speaks,

One who calls, not waits for weeks.

I pray he's gainfully employed,

When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.

Pulls out my chair and opens my door,

Massages my back and begs to do more.

Send me a man who makes love to my mind,

Knows what to answer when asked, "How big is my behind?"

I pray that this man will love me to no end,

And always be my very best friend.

AMEN

THE MALE PRAYER

I pray for a huge-titted, deaf-mute nymphomaniac with a tight pussy and a set of lips that could suck the chrome off a bumper hitch: she also must own a liquor store and a bass boat and not mind if I occasionally screw her sister. I know this doesn't rhyme, but dear Lord, I could really give a flying rusty fuck.

AMEN

***

A man approaches St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. "There are new requirements for gaining entry," says St. Peter. "It's a more pro-active approach. Tell me a good deed you've done."

"I was out jogging in Central Park and these four gang-bangers were raping a woman at knifepoint. So I picked up a rock and said Leave her alone, muthafuckers or I'll kill you with my bare hands."

"Wow," says St. Peter, "when was this?"

"About 30 seconds ago."

***

Three couples are having cocktails one Saturday night. After an unusually long lull in the conversation, Bill says to his wife Julie, "You know, I'm going to talk to a priest tomorrow. Since 9/11 there's unrest and danger and uncertainty, and I think it would do me good."

To his surprise, everyone agrees with him so off they all went the following morning to speak with a priest. They explain their situation to the priest who says, "Religion is no longer an easy, feel good cure-all. People are taking it seriously and recommitting themselves to their faith. Now, what I want you to do, as couples, is to refrain from sex for two weeks. That will prove to me your level of commitment and I'll let you back into the church."

Two weeks later they are huddled together again. The priest asks the first couple, "Well?"

"It was tough, but with the grace of God and some cold showers, we made it."

To the second couple, "Well?"

"Same for us."

To Bill and Julie, "Well?"

"The first week," says Bill, "was fine. The second week started out rough, then leveled out. But yesterday Julie dropped a bag of apples and they rolled all over the floor. She bent over to pick them up and I saw that sweet tushy and couldn't help myself. I pulled her pants down and fucked her doggy-style, right there on the floor."

"After an admission like that," says the priest, "I can't let you back into the church."

"That's okay," said Bill. "They're not going to let us back into Safeway either."

***

What did Jesus say when he was hanging from the cross?

"This is one hell of a way to spend Spring break."

***

"Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I used the f-word yesterday."

"Tell me about it."

"I was playing golf and I hit my first shot into the rough."

"That's when you used the F-word?"

"No. I punched out with a seven iron, but the ball rolled across the fairway into a sand trap."

"That's when you used the F-word?"

"No. I hit out of the sand, over the green, into the woods."

"That's when you used the F-word?"

"No. I hit a perfect nine iron. The ball was three inches from the cup."

"Jesus Christ Almighty, don't tell me you missed the fucking putt!"

***

In Germany, 1953, a man goes to confession: "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned."

"What is the nature of your transgression?"

"I concealed a Jewish family during the war."

"Saving a family from the Nazis isn't a sin."

"We charged them 5000 Deutsch Marks a month."

"Could they afford it?"

"Yes."

"Did you feed them well?"

"Yes. And I let them celebrate their Jewish holidays."

"You have committed no sin. Why have you come to me?"

"When do you think I should tell them that the war is over?"

***

A sweet young nun was attracted to the convent's gardener. One day nature took its course and he fucked her on the back lawn. "I'm sorry, Sister Marie," he says after the act, "I took advantage."

"I'll just go to Father Murphy and tell him the truth: I made love twice to the gardener. You are going to do it again, right?"

***

An altar boy asks a priest, "Is it a sin to have sex during mass?"

The priest answers, "Only if we block the aisle."

***

Three men arrive at the Pearly Gates at the same time and St. Peter says, "Religion?"

"Methodist."

"Door six, but be quiet as you pass door four."

To the second man: "Religion?"

"Jewish."

"Door seven, but be quiet as you pass door four."

To the third: "Religion?"

"Hindu."

"Door two, but be quiet as you pass door four."

"Why do you tell everyone to be quiet passing door four?"

"That's the Evangelical Christian door and they think they are the only ones up here."

Sister Elizabeth was sent to hell by mistake. St. Peter called up the devil and asked to speak to Sister Elizabeth. "Sorry, for the mistake. I'll arrange a transfer," said St. Peter.

"Fuck the transfer, Pete. I've got an orgy to get to."

***

An elderly couple are hit by a bus and go to heaven. St. Peter ushers them in and gives them a guided tour of their eternal resting place. "Here's the golf course. There's the swimming pool. There's your condo. If you need anything simply press the button for room service and an angel will deliver it."

St. Peter leaves and the old man turns to his wife and says, "Fuck you!"

"What's your problem? This is fantastic."

"Yes, it is. And if it wasn't for those vitamins and all that fucking oat bran you fed me I'd have been here 15 years ago."

***

Three nuns die and go to heaven. "You have to answer a Biblical question to gain access to heaven," said St. Peter. "But since you are nuns I'll give you easy questions. First: What was the name of the first man that God created?"

The first nun answered, "Adam."

Bells ring and she enters heaven. To the second he said: "What was the name of the first woman God created?"

The second nun answered, "Eve."

Bells ring and she enters heaven. To the last nun: "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?"

The third nun answers: "Oh my God, but that's a hard one."

Bells ring and she enters heaven.

***

Two men die and go to heaven. They approach St. Peter who says, "A portion of heaven is closed for remodeling. You'll have to go back to earth for a week, but you can choose what you want to go back as."

The first man says, "I want to be a bald eagle, soaring over the Rockies."

The second man says, "I want to be a stud."

A week later they are back at the Pearly Gates. "How was your time as an eagle?" the first man asks the second.

"Fantastic. I bet you had some fun as a stud."

"Not really. I spent the week on a snow tire in Detroit."

A wall in hell cracked and noxious fumes were escaping up to heaven. St. Peter called Satan and told him to fix the leak, but nothing was done for a month. Then St. Peter called and said, "If you don't fix the leak by next week, I'll sue for damages."

"Sue?" The devil laughed, "Where the fuck are you going to find a lawyer?"

***

A priest found five dead pigs in front of the church. Not knowing what to do he called the cops and asked, "What should I do?"

"Isn't it," said the desk sergeant, "the church's duty to bury the dead?"

"Of course," said the priest, "but it's also our duty to inform the next of kin."

***

Why does the Pope always wear underwear in the shower?

Because it's a sin to look down on the unemployed.

***

A rabbi falls to his knees and prays: "Lord, give me strength, my only son just converted to Christianity."

A voice from above, says, "Yours too?"

***

Passing a mob, Jesus made his way to the front just in time to see a whore being tied to a stake. Each member of the mob had a rock and were chanting, "Kill her! Kill the whore!"

Jesus stepped in front of her and said: "Let he among you who is without sin cast the first stone."

Just then a brick zipped by his ear and killed the prostitute. Jesus surveyed the crowd and said, "Dammit, mom!"

***

A drunk stumbled into the church's confessional, pulled down his pants and took a huge shit. The priest said from the other side of the partition, "May I help you?"

"Yeah, you got any toilet paper over there?"

***

The older priest sat in with the new priest in the confessional to critique his performance. "You did quite well, except for when that girl told you about having sex with three guys at the same time."

"Should I have given her more penance?"

"The penance allotment was fine, you just shouldn't have said, 'Holy shit!'"

***

A man dies and goes to Heaven and St. Peter says, "If you could live your life over, what would you change?"

"St. Peter, I wouldn't gamble."

"Did you lose a lot of money gambling?"

"Actually, I made a lot of money. But I used it to get married."

***

The Pope is doing a crossword. "Cardinal," he says, "I need a word ending in u-n-t. The clue is: A woman."

The cardinal says "Aunt."

"Right. Got an eraser?"

***

Two Catholic women saw a rabbi enter the local whorehouse. One said to the other: "Look at that scandalous and sinful activity."

They saw a minister enter: "Look at that scandalous and sinful activity."

They saw a priest enter: "Some dying whore must need the Last Rites."

***

Jesus was watching the Pearly Gates, when a kind, elderly man entered and said, "I'm looking for my only son."

Intrigued, Jesus says, "What did you do on earth?"

"I was a carpenter and my son wasn't my biological son, but I loved him dearly and I was the closest thing he had to a father."

Jesus asks, "Does your son have holes in his hands and feet?"

"He does."

Jesus says, "Father?"

The old man says, "Pinocchio?"

***

"Mother Superior," said the young nun, "we've just discovered a case of gonorrhea in the convent!"

"Good," she said. "I'm tired of that merlot."

***

An old man enters the confessional and says, "I'm 82 years old and last night I fucked three virgins."

"When was the last time you were to confession?"

"Never been. I'm Jewish."

"Then why are you telling me about the three virgins?"

"Are you nuts? I'm telling everybody."

***

What do a priest and a Christmas tree have in common?

Ornamental balls.

***

A half-Jewish half-Catholic boy goes into the confessional and says, "Bless me father for I have sinned...I believe you've met my lawyer?"

***

Did you hear about the new low carb communion wafer?

It's called I Can't Believe It's Not Jesus.

***

A Mafioso secures an audience with the pope and says, "Pope, I lost a bet and you have to have sex with a woman or I lose my life."

"I can't do it. I represent the church and all that is good in the world."

"You have to."

"I can't."

"If you don't, I'll kill you."

The Pope deliberates a moment, then says, "Okay. But she's gotta have nice big titties."

***

A rabbi and a black Baptist minister had become friends and decided to attend each other's services. On Sunday the rabbi attended a revival and was more than impressed with the fervent faith and enthusiasm of the Baptist worshippers. On the following Saturday the minister and the rabbi were approaching the synagogue when they heard the low, mournful sound of a horn. "What's that?" asked the minister.

"Every week at prayers we blow the shofar."

"Damn," said the minister, "you Jews know how to treat your help."

***

#  SPORTS...

What do you get when you cross Viagra and Rogaine?

Don King.

***

Millie and Willie were watching a boxing match. Two minutes into the first round there's a knockout. "Fuck," says Willie, "two minutes and it's over?"

Millie says, "Now you know how I feel."

***

Olympic medalist Picabo Street is not just a dumb jock. She is also a nurse. She is currently working in the Intensive Care Unit of a famous Metropolitan Hospital. She is loved by her patients and respected by her peers. However, she's not allowed to answer the telephone because it caused too much confusion when she would answer the phone and say, "Picabo, ICU."

***

Bill and Bob are golfing when an ambulance screams by. Bob covers his ears and falls to his knees. He is visibly shaken. Bill helps him to his feet and says, "My God, do you know who was in that ambulance?"

"No. It's just that my wife ran off with an ambulance driver 11 years ago, and every time I hear a siren I'm afraid that he might be bringing her back."

***

Two fishermen are sitting on a dock. One has a state-of-the-art spin cast reel and rod, but he hasn't gotten a nibble. The other one has a cane pole with a cork float and a Styrofoam cooler filled with bait. Repeatedly, he reaches into the cooler, pulls out a piece of bait, sniffs it, and places on the hook. As soon as it hits the water he is rewarded with a bite. The other fisherman still hasn't had a nibble. "Hey," says the frustrated fisherman, "what the hell are you using for bait?"

"My brother-in-law is a mortician and he cuts the pussies off of all the women he gets. Slightly decomposed gash makes the best fishbait in the world."

"But why do you sniff them before you put them on the line?"

"Every once in a while, for a joke, he slips in an asshole."

***

Two guys are out hunting in the woods. They stop to go to the bathroom and one gets bit on the dick by a rattlesnake. The other whips out his cellphone and calls the hospital. "My friend just got bit by a rattlesnake, what should I do?"

"Suck out all the poison."

He snaps the cellphone shut and his friend asks, "What'd he say?"

"He said you're fucked."

***

Why don't heavyweight boxers have sex before a fight?

Because they don't like each other.

***

A foursome of men waited at the first tee as a foursome of ladies were hitting from the lady's tee. The ladies take their time and when, finally, the last one hits the ball, she hacks it about 15 feet, walks over and hacks it another 15 feet. She looks up at the men who were watching and says apologetically, "I guess all those fucking lessons I took this winter didn't help."

"Maybe," says one of the men, "you should've taken golf lessons."

***

What do the pope and the 2010 San Francisco 49ers have in common?

They can both make 62,000 people stand up and say, "Jesus Christ Almighty!"

***

Why are duck hunters such great lovers?

Because they go deep into the bush, shoot more than once, and they always eat what they shoot.

What's true in sports as well as making love?

Nice guys finish last.

***

The young man arrived at the first tee with a hockey stick, a croquet mallet, and a pool cue. He teed off 280 yards with the hockey stick. Then he used the mallet to reach the green in two, sunk a 45 foot putt with the pool cue. His playing partner said, "That's incredible!"

"Physical activities have always been so simple for me. I need to spice things up."

"How do you screw?"

"Everyone asks that."

"Well, how do you screw?"

"Standing up in a hammock on one foot while playing Beethoven's Fifth on a harmonica."

***

A man and a woman meet on the golf course and play nine holes. They agree to play nine more the following day. Then they go out to dinner. Back at his place they have drinks and she sucks his dick. "Before you take my pants off I must tell you," she says, "I'm not a real woman. I'm a transvestite."

"You fucking bitch," he says, "I don't mind a phony woman sucking my cock, but you've been hitting from the women's tees."

***

"I just got," said Hank, "a new set of golf clubs for my wife."

Mike smiled and said, "Good trade."

***

Bob returned to the clubhouse to find a cop in front of his locker. "Did you," asked the cop, "hit a tee shot out-of-bounds on the 15th hole?"

"Yeah, I really shanked it."

"The errant ball hit a motorcyclist who crashed into a fire engine on its way to a fire at the orphanage. The firetruck never made it and 43 children died in the fire."

"No shit?"

"Yeah, no shit. What are you going to do about it?"

"I think the next time I play the 15th I'm gonna open up my stance a little and tee off with a three wood."

***

Two hunters are discussing their experiences over a beer: "Last winter on the Sacramento Delta a bird flew right into my blind."

"Duck?"

"No. The little fucker hit me right in the face."

***

Two hunters are walking through the woods when they see smoke signals from the other side of the hill. "Hey," says one hunter, "you read smoke signals don't you?"

"I haven't in a while, but yeah, I can muddle them out."

"What do those say?"

He squints into the distance and says, "Help! Help! Help! My casino is on fire!"

***

"Why are you here?" asked the judge.

"I beat my wife to death with a 9-iron."

"Really," said the judge. "How many strokes did it take you?"

***

What is the difference between looking for a lost golf ball and Lady Godiva?

Searching for a lost golf ball is a hunt on a course.

***

What do pro athletes who are suspended for cocaine use do?

They hire crack lawyers.

***

How did the coach know that his star pitcher was freebasing?

He was giving up too many walks.

***

Why did the losing football team start jerking off simultaneously?

The coach told them to pull together.

***

Why do cheerleaders wear such skimpy uniforms?

It makes the fans root harder.

***

Two fisherman are sitting in the boat. "I don't get it," says one. "We have the same rod and reel, we're using the same bait, and you've caught six and I haven't caught any."

"That's because I have a system. When I wake up I see which way my wife is sleeping. If she's on her left side; I fish over the left side of the boat. On her right side; I fish over the right side. If she's in pajamas I use a lure."

"What if she's on her back and naked?"

"Then I don't go fishing, asshole."

***

Why'd the gay quarterback play the last two minutes of every game?

He knew how to use the tight end to come from behind.

***

What do you call a fur lined jockstrap?

Ball-to-ball carpeting.

***

After the rookie walked a batter the pitching coach strode to the mound and said, "I'm pulling you."

"Give me a break. The last time this next guy was up I struck him out."

"Yeah, but this is still the first inning."

***

Bill and Harry are playing golf for $100 a hole. After the first hole Bill asks, "How many strokes?"

"Five."

"I was down in four. My hole."

They finish the second hole and Bill asks again, "How many strokes?"

"Isn't it," says Harry, "my turn to ask first?"

***

Two men were trying to get in a quick 18 holes but were held up by the two ladies in front of them. At the turnaround one of them walked up to ask if they could play through, but came running back: "I can't let them see me. One's my wife the other's my mistress."

"I'll go."

But he quickly returned and said, "Small fucking world."

***

One fisherman: "I caught a 20 pound salmon last week."

Another fisherman: "Were there witnesses?"

"Of course, otherwise it would have been a 30 pound salmon."

***

Joe and Mary decide to go camping to celebrate their 30th wedding anniversary. They drive up to the Sierras and hike into the backwoods. They set up camp and while cooking dinner finish off a couple bottles of champagne. Mary says, "I've gotta pee. I'm gonna piss into that lake."

"My back teeth are floating," says Joe. "I'll go with you."

They stand at the edge of the lake; Joe whips it out and Mary drops her pants. "Just for shits-and-grins," says Mary, "I am going to piss in that canoe."

"That's not a canoe," says Joe. "That's your reflection."

***

Three generations of the Collins family were getting ready to tee off one Sunday when the threesome was joined by a beautiful, young female golfer. Before they could introduce themselves the young lady said, "Listen, I'm a two handicap so I don't need any of your patronizing petty male-chauvinist-bullshit advice. So just leave me the fuck alone."

"Okay," said Grandpa Collins.

"Okay," said Mr. Collins.

"Okay," said Junior.

The foursome teed off and played the first 17 holes. On the par five 18th the female golfer blasted a 290 yard tee shot, then hit a long iron to the fringe. The Collins boys reached the green a few shots later. She said, "I'm sorry if I was rude earlier, but if I sink this I'll break par for the first time in my life. I need some help, and," she added, "if your advice pays off I'll give my coach the best knee-buckling blowjob they've ever had."

"Well," said Junior, "I'd pitch-and-run with a seven iron."

"I'd putt it," said Mr. Collins, "and let the natural break run it up to the hole."

Grandpa dropped his pants and waved his dick, "Pick it up. It's a gimme."

***

Why should you never play golf with O.J. Simpson or Heidi Fleiss?

Because she's a hooker and he's a slicer.

Tiger Woods is killed and arrives at the Pearly Gates. "Tiger," says St. Peter, "this was a mistake. We are all big fans. I'm going to send you back to earth and for the inconvenience you can change one thing in your life. What do you want? More distance off the tee? Better putting?"

Tiger thought a moment and says, "I want to go back as a lesbian."

"A lesbian? Why?"

"Because I can still eat all the pussy I want and hit from the red tees."

***

Halfway through the season the veteran catcher approached the rookie pitcher and said, "I've figured out your problem; you always lose your control at the same time."

"When is that?"

"Right after the National Anthem."

***

After hitting into the rough, a sandtrap, the lake, out-of-bounds, and missing a six-inch putt the golfer explodes,"Cock-sucking-mother-fucking-piece-of-goddam-bastard-whore-shit. I quit; I fucking give up! I fucking give up! I fucking give up!"

Another golfer, who'd just met the man says, "Hey, I know how you feel. But never quit golf, it's the greatest game in the world."

"I'll never quit golf. I was talking about the priesthood."

***

An avid golfer was paired off with an 82 year old. The old guy played quite well and both were enjoying their round. Confronted with a tough shot, positioned behind a tall pine the young man said, "Give me a little advice here, pops."

"When I was your age I once hit a seven iron over the tree and onto the green."

"Here goes." He whacked a seven iron that hit the trunk and rolled back to his feet.

"Of course," said the old man, "when I was your age that tree was about four feet tall."

***

What's the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?

A man will spend hours looking for a golf ball.

***

A golfer stood for five minutes contemplating his final tee shot. He tested and re-tested wind direction and velocity, and mulled over his club selection. "C'mon," said his partner, "hit the ball."

"My wife's watching from the clubhouse. I want this to be a perfect shot."

"Forget about it. You have absolutely no chance of hitting her from here."

***

A professional wrestler married an Olympic gymnast. He returned to the WWF circuit, and all his peers wanted to know how a 6' 4'', 320 pound man made love to a 4' 11", 86 pound women. He replied, "She sucks my dick hard, then I sit on a chair; she sits on my lap. And then I bob her up and down. It's like beating off only I have someone to talk to."

***

Amazed at the empty seat between himself and another fan at the Superbowl the first fan remarked, "What kind of idiot misses the Superbowl."

"It was my wife's seat but she died."

"I'm sorry, but I'm equally amazed that a son or brother or someone wouldn't use the ticket."

"I offered, but they insisted on attending the funeral."

***

Scott reluctantly agreed to play in the couples' alternate shot tournament at the club. He teed off on the first hole and sent a drive 300 yards down the middle. Upon reaching the ball Scott said to Carol, "Just hit it towards the green. Anywhere around there would be just fine." Wifey proceeded to shank the ball into the rough. Undaunted, Scott said, "That's okay, honey," and spent five minutes looking for the ball. He found it in a terrible lie. Scott muscled it out with a pitching wedge, placing the ball 18 inches from the hole. "Okay Carol, just knock it in."

She putted it past the hole and it rolled down the slope into a bunker. Scott pulled out his sand wedge and, with a brilliant shot, short hopped it into the cup. "Okay honey that was a bogey. But that's alright; we can do much better on the next hole."

"Don't blame me, asshole. Only two of those five shots were mine."

***

A golfer shanks one deep into the woods. He goes in after the ball and is assaulted by a despicably noxious odor. He sees the source of the stench: a little gnome stirring a pot of glop. "What are you cooking that's so vile?" asks the golfer.

"It's a potion that bestows upon anyone the skills of a PGA professional."

"That's for me."

"Not so quickly, there is a side effect."

"What?"

"It diminishes your sex drive."

"I love golf so much, I'll make that sacrifice."

So the golfer holds his nose and slurps down a spoonful. He finds his ball, makes a perfect exit shot and saves par. Then he joins the PGA circuit, wins $427,000 and is Rookie of the Year. One year to the day, on the same golf course, the potion wears off and he shanks another shot into the same woods. But there's also the same gnome stirring the same stinky pot. "I guess," says the golfer, "that the potion wore off. May I have some more, please?"

"Not so fast. How's your golf game?"

He tells the gnome.

"How's your sex life?"

"Not bad. I made love eight, maybe nine times last year."

"Not bad? That's terrible!"

"Believe me. For a Catholic priest in a small parish, it's not bad."

Two avid golfers, married to each other, are having 19th hole cocktails when the conversation turns serious. "Honey," she says, "if I were to die and you remarried, would you live together in our house?"

"Well, it is paid for."

"I suppose that's sensible. But would you let her drive my car?"

"It's paid for too. In this economic climate it would be foolish to take out a new loan."

"I suppose that's sensible as well. But promise me one thing?"

"What?"

"Don't let her use my golf clubs."

"I swear on a stack of Bibles that will never happen."

"Thank you."

"She's left handed."

***

A man and a woman meet on a cruise ship and have a wonderful time together. While discussing whether to continue their relationship after the cruise he says, "I want to be honest. I'm addicted to golf. I play everyday. The only television I watch are tournaments and instructional golf videos."

"While we're being honest, I'm a hooker."

"That's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."

***

Joe DiMaggio's great grandmother, while visiting from Italy, went to see Joe play at Yankee Stadium. When the announcer said, "Next to bat, Joe DiMaggio!" she jumped up and shouted, "That'sa my Joe! That'sa my boy. I'm Mama DiMaggio and that'sa my Joe."

The announcer took the crowd to the full-count and said, "Ball four. Walk DiMaggio."

"Run Joe, run," shouted mama DiMaggio.

"Mama DiMaggio," said the fan in the next seat, "Joe has to walk. He has four balls."

Mama DiMaggio stood tall and said, "Walk proudly Joe. Walk proudly."

***

What's the difference between a women's track team and a group of clever pygmies?

The pygmies are cunning runts.

***

CHAPTER TITLES FROM, "THE WORLD'S ONLY TRULY USEFUL GOLF BOOK":

HOW TO PROPERLY LINE UP YOUR FOURTH PUTT.

HOW TO GET A TITLEIST FROM THE ROUGH WHEN YOU HIT A NIKE OFF THE TEE.

HOW TO AVOID THE WATER WHEN YOU LIE EIGHT IN A BUNKER.

HOW TO GET MORE DISTANCE OFF THE SHANK.

SIX WAYS TO SURREPTITIOUSLY FLIP OFF A COURSE OFFICIAL.

CRYING AND HOW TO HANDLE IT.

10 GREAT EXCUSES FOR DRINKING FOUR BEERS BEFORE 10 A.M.

HOW TO RATIONALIZE A 7 HOUR ROUND.

HOW TO FIND A BALL THAT EVERYONE ELSE SAW GO IN THE WATER.

WHY YOUR WIFE DOESN'T GIVE A FUCK THAT YOU BIRDIED THE FOURTH HOLE.

HOW A FOURSOME CAN PLAY THROUGH A TWOSOME WITH NO EMBARRASSMENT.

HOW TO RELAX AND CONCENTRATE WHILE HITTING THREE OFF THE TEE.

HOW AND WHEN TO SUGGEST MAJOR SWING CORRECTIONS TO YOUR OPPONENT.

WHEN TO RE-GRIP YOUR BALL RETRIEVER.

***

What do baseball pitchers and playboys have in common?

Fastballs.

***

A man and his wife were playing golf. He had a terrible lie behind a barn. His wife said, "Why don't I hold open the barn door and you can hit through the barn and unto the green?"

She stood to the side of the barn, holding the door open. He sliced a ball that hit and killed her. A year later he's playing the same course and his new 22 year old wife hits the ball right behind the same barn. She said, "Honey, why don't you hold those doors open so I can shoot through the barn?"

"Bad idea. I tried that last year."

"What happened?"

"I double bogeyed the hole."

***

Bob's lining up a par putt on the 18th when a funeral procession drives by. Bob steps away from the ball, removes his hat and holds it over his heart. His playing partner says, "That was touching."

"It's the least I could do," said Bob. "We were married for 43 years."

***

Why couldn't the hack golfer drown himself during a suicide attempt?

He couldn't keep his head down.

***

What's any golfer's worst handicap?

Honesty.

***

What's the difference between a hunter and a fisherman?

One lies in wait; the other waits and lies.

***

What do you call a California surfer dude without a girlfriend?

Homeless.

***

Three statisticians go deer hunting with bows and arrows. They spot a trophy buck and take aim. The first shoots exactly 20 feet wide right. The second shoots exactly 20 feet wide left. The third one starts jumping up-and-down yelling, "We got the fucker."

***

What do the 2010 San Francisco 49ers and a tampon have in common?

Both are only good for one period and there's no second string.

***

Twin brothers, Bill and Will, are baseball fans. They've loved baseball their entire lives. Bill dies suddenly of a heart attack at 67. On the first anniversary of his death he appears in a dream to Will, who asks him, "Is there baseball in heaven?"

"Good news and bad news."

"What's the good news?"

"There is indeed baseball in heaven."

"What's the bad news?"

"You're starting at shortstop tomorrow."

***

How do you know when someone is playing golf with his boss?

He says "Oops" when he makes a hole in one.

A golfer returns from his weekly game and his wife asks, "How was your round?"

"It was terrible. Charlie had a heart attack on the first hole."

"My God, that is terrible."

"Tell me about it. All day long, hit; drag Charlie. Hit; drag Charlie."

***

Why are Mike Tyson's eyes always bloodshot after sex?

From the pepper spray.

***

What is Mike Tyson's idea of foreplay?

Stay cool bitch, I got a knife.

***

Two ladies tee off and both of them par the first hole. While walking to the second hole one of them is hit in the head with a golf ball and knocked unconscious. Her friend quickly dials her doctor on a cellphone: "Doctor, my friend has been hit by a golf ball and is unconscious. What should I do?"

The doctor says, "Where'd she get hit?"

"Between the first and second holes."

"Tell her to tighten up her stance a bit."

***

Two guys are out hiking in the woods when they accidentally walk between a bear and her cub. One hiker immediately drops to the ground, pulls out his running shoes and removes his hiking boots. His buddy says, "Asshole, you can't outrun a bear."

"I know. But I can outrun you."

***

The golfer asked the club pro, "Can you give me one piece of advice on how I could cut 20 strokes off my game?"

"Absolutely. Quit on 15."

***

A golfer, whose tee shot bounced into the woods, hit a five iron that ricocheted off an oak and hit him in the forehead, killing him instantly. At the Pearly Gates St. Peter consulted his book and said, "You're not scheduled to die for another 20 years. How did you get here?"

"In two, St. Peter. In two."

***

Three goodfellas decided to drive from Jersey up to Maine to hunt moose. They loaded up the car with 9mm automatics and sawed off shotguns and left for the north woods. An hour later they returned with a Holstein cow strapped to the hood of their car. "Hey," says Vinnie's wife, "I thought you'd be gone all weekend?"

"Yeah," says Vinnie, "me too. But on the other side of the river there is a field full of moose just like this. We wounded most of them, but we killed this one."

***

THE RULES OF "INDOOR GOLF"

Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play, normally one club and two balls.

Play on the course must be approved by the owner of the hole.

Unlike outdoor golf, the object is get the club in the hole and keep the balls out.

For most effective play, the club should have a firm shank.

Course owners are permitted to check a shaft's stiffness.

Course owners reserve the right to restrict club size in order to avoid damage to the hole.

Object of the game is to take his many strokes as possible until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play again.

It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival. Experienced players will normally take time to admire the entire course, paying special attention to well-formed mounds and bunkers.

Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played or are currently playing. Said owners have been known to damage players' equipment for this transgression.

Players are encouraged to wear proper rain gear at all times.

Players should not assume the course is in shape to play at all times.

Player may be embarrassed if they find the course temporarily under repair.

Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternative means of play when this is the case.

Players should assume their match has been properly scheduled particularly when a new course is being played for the first time.

Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else is playing what was considered to be a private course.

Players are strongly advised to get the owner's permission before attempting to play the backside.

Slow play is encouraged; however, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace at the owner's request.

It is considered an outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.

***

#  UNRELATED...

What part of the man's body should never move while dancing with a woman?

His bowels.

***

What do women and dog shit have in common?

The older they are the easier they are to pick up.

***

Bob calls in sick to work and his boss asks, "Just how sick are you?"

"I'm fucking my grandma in the ass, is that sick enough for you?"

***

Mickey Mouse awakes one winter morning, opens the drapes and sees Mickey Sucks Cock written in yellow snow. He calls the FBI and demands a urinalysis. At noon the FBI calls and says, "We have bad news and worse news."

"What's the bad news?"

"It's Goofy's urine."

"What's the worse news?"

"It's Minnie's handwriting."

***

The Elves' Union wanted more respect and a title. They sued Santa and are now known as Subordinate Clauses.

***

What will Shirley McClain have inscribed on her tombstone?

TO BE CONTINUED...

A drunk walking down the street was stopped by a cop. "Where are you going at 3:00 a.m.?" asked the cop.

"To a lecture."

"Who gives lectures at 3:00 a.m.?"

"My fucking wife."

***

Why do gypsies fuck so carefully?

They have crystal balls.

***

What do Brooklyn and control top panty hose have in common?

Flatbush.

***

How did the man who was into bondage develop ulcers?

He was always tied up in knots.

***

What did one Grateful Dead fan say to the other when they ran out of marijuana?

"This music sucks."

What's the opposite of progress?

Congress.

***

What's a politician's notion of safe sex?

No reporters.

***

When does a Mexican become a Spaniard?

The moment he proposes to your daughter.

***

How do Americans feel about Dubya's spending policies?

We couldn't be more indebted.

***

What makes Clinton think that Americans have forgiven him his infractions?

Now when we wave, we use five fingers.

***

How do most teenaged boys propose?

"You're going to have a what?"

According to an article in Cosmopolitan a woman's sleeping position says a lot about them. Women who sleep on their sides are sensitive, those who sleep on their stomachs are competent; those who sleep on their back with their ankles behind their ears are extremely popular.

***

What's blue and comes in brownies?

Cub Scouts.

***

An applicant asked the boss, "How many people work here?"

The boss said, "About half of them."

***

A wealthy woman had a night on the town and can't remember how she got home, but she woke up naked in bed. She called her butler, "Jeeves, how did I get home last night?"

"I drove you home from the bar."

"How did I get upstairs?"

"I carried you."

"How did I get naked?"

"I knew you didn't want to ruin your dress by sleeping in it, so I removed it. I wanted you to be comfortable so I removed your bra and panties."

"God, I must have been tight."

Jeeves said, "Only the first time, Madam."

***

Why did the pervert cross the road?

He got his dick stuck in the chicken.

***

Why did the punk rocker cross the road?

He was stapled to the chicken.

***

What has seven arms and sucks?

Def Leppard.

***

What is it if a man says to a woman, "I want to suck your tits for an hour and fuck you until you come"?

Sexual harassment.

***

What is it if a woman says to a man, "I'll kneel in front of you, fondle your balls and suck until you squirt down my throat"?

$2.99 a minute.

***

What do you call an epileptic in a vegetable garden?

A seizure salad.

***

Why are the best boats made of kosher wood?

They'll never tip.

***

An usher at the opera house tripped over a body in the middle of the aisle. The man was comatose so he called security. The security guard roused the man and asked, "Where are you from?"

He replied, "The balcony."

***

A Hollywood actor returned home to see his house wrapped in police tape. "I live here," he told a cop, "what happened?"

"Your agent came over this afternoon, raped and murdered your wife and kidnapped your daughter."

"Holy fucking shit," he said. "My agent came to my house?"

***

What's the difference between an epileptic oyster and a hooker with diarrhea?

One you shuck between fits.

***

How do Snow White and Pinocchio make love?

She sits on his face and says, "Tell the truth, tell a lie. Tell the truth, tell a lie. Tell the truth, tell a lie."

***

Why did Mickey Mouse have Minnie Mouse institutionalized?

Because she was fucking Goofy.

***

What's the best thing about taking a shower with a nine year old?

When her hair gets wet she looks six.

***

What do you get when you cross Raggedy Ann with the Pillsbury Doughboy?

An ugly redhead with a yeast infection.

***

What do you call a Raggedy Ann doll with a pebble in her mouth?

A cotton rock sucker.

***

The U.S. Postal service issued a new George W. Bush stamp. But the stamps weren't sticking to envelopes so the USPS investigated and discovered that the stamps met all regulations; nothing was wrong with the adhesive; people were just spitting on the wrong side.

***

What's the difference between a woman and a computer?

No one is ever, ever going to get a three-and-a-half-inch floppy into a woman.

***

What's a Japanese girl's favorite holiday?

Erection day.

***

A study at Stanford concluded that 90% of all women have intelligent DNA in them. It also concluded that 55% of them spit it out.

***

An Indian has his ear to the ground when another Indian walks up. The one with his ear to the ground says, "Wagon. Headed east. Pulled by two horses. One white, one black. Two children in back. Mother up front dressed in pink calico. Husband beside her in overalls and blue plaid shirt."

"You're good, you can hear all that?"

"No. They just ran me over."

***

What's the difference between an Israeli and an Israelite?

The Israelite has 25% less fat.

***

What's red and has seven little dents in it?

Snow White's cherry.

***

A magician calls for a volunteer from the audience. A virile young man from the front row steps onto the stage and the magician says, "I want you to take this baseball bat and hit me in the back of the head with it."

"I can't do that. I'd kill you."

"Young man this will be the 17th time I've performed this trick. Rest assured, I'll be fine."

"Okay."

So the magician bends over and: SMACK! The audience is horrified by the sickening sound and the magician falls into a motionless heap. Paramedics rush the stage and whisk him away in an ambulance. He is in a coma for six months. Then one night he stirs and awakens. He steps out of his hospital bed and says, "Ta-Da."

A French Foreign Legion outpost has a tough new Captain. He immediately has several out of uniform men placed in custody and starts whipping the fort into place. He's been there about a week when he notices this old camel that no one rides. He calls the sergeant and asks, "Why is that miserable animal kept alive?"

"Well, sir, we are 40 kilometers from the nearest whorehouse and—"

"I understand. Bring the camel to my room right away."

"But—"

"That's an order."

The sergeant brings the camel to the captain's room and returns a half hour later with a grin on his face. The captain says, "Why are you smirking?"

"Usually, sir, three or four of us hop on the camel and ride the 40 kilometers to the whorehouse."

***

The new lumberjack is being given a tour of the backwoods camp. He asks, "What do you guys do for women around here?"

The boss points to a barrel with a knothole about waist high. "Go stick your merchandise in that hole."

He does and it's wet, warm, and wonderful. He finishes and asks the boss, "That's great. How often can I use it?"

"Any day except Tuesday."

"Why not on Tuesday?"

"Tuesday is your day in the barrel."

***

A hiker finds a lamp and, of course, rubs it and a genie appears: "You have one wish."

"I'm career oriented. I want the world's most challenging job—an occupation no man has ever attempted."

"Poof," says the genie, "you're a housewife."

***

A juggler is pulled over for speeding. The cop sees the juggler's machetes in the back seat, "What are those for?"

"They're not weapons, I juggle them."

"Prove it and I'll let you go."

The juggler proceeds to juggle the machetes. Two old guys walking their dogs pass by. One says to the other, "I'm glad I quit drinking. The new drunk tests are hard."

***

Hal gets divorced and needs extra income to support two households, so he gets a job in a sex shop across the street from his new apartment. He's a great salesman—always upselling. He sells extra batteries for vibrators, pumps for the blow-up-fuck-dollies, and he's been given a raise and left alone and in charge of the shop by noon on his second day. Right after lunch a guy comes in looking for the ultimate dildo. Hal shows him battery powered dildos; a strap-on for double penetration; long thick ones; short squat ones; a dildo that rotated so violently you could propel a boat with it. But the answer is always "No." Then the customer spies one behind the counter. "How much," he asks, "for the plaid one?"

"Oh, that's a one of a kind designer model."

"How much!"

"Three hundred and forty dollars."

"I'll take it."

The boss returned at 4:00, checked the receipts and gave Hal another raise. "You're the best salesman I've ever seen. You've sold movies, books, lotions, fucking gift certificates for Crissakes."

"And," said Hal, "I got $340 for your Thermos."

***

Bob got a job as a forest ranger in Alaska. "Here's your emergency survival kit," said his boss. "It contains flares, a radio, and a deck of cards."

"What are the cards for?"

"If the flares and radio don't get you rescued, start playing solitaire. In exactly three minutes someone will tap you on the shoulder and say, 'Put the red queen on the black king.'"

***

Two buddies go to Vegas and share a suite: booze, hookers, gambling, room service. When it's time to check out one guy grabs the check, "I'll say it's a business expense."

"No, it's on me." The other guy snatches back the check, "I'm filing for bankruptcy tomorrow."

***

A clerk says, "Hey boss, remember that hideous, out-of-style plaid suit?"

"Yeah."

"I just sold it for $200."

"Great, but what did you do to your hand?"

The clerk held up his bandaged hand. "I sold the suit to a blind guy and after his dog saw him in it he bit me."

Who's the busiest man in the world?

Dick Cheney. He spends half his time passing laws and the other half helping his friends get around them.

***

What's the difference between friends and real friends?

Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

***

What's the difference between a whore and a fucking whore?

A whore fucks everybody in town. A fucking whore fucks everybody in town but you.

***

How come Cleopatra and Marc Anthony couldn't make love?

She was on her pyramid.

***

Why didn't Cleopatra attend her AA meetings?

She was in da Nile.

Did you hear about the new support group for compulsive talkers?

It's called On&On&On&On Anon.

***

Did you hear about the new support group for women called Tempura?

It's for the lightly battered.

***

Did you know that Princess Di was on the radio?

And the dashboard, and the steering wheel...

***

Where did Prince Charles spend his honeymoon?

Indiana.

***

Why did Princess Di divorce Charles?

She thought every ruler had 12 inches.

***

A woman sits on a park bench. A skuzzy, homeless bum sits next to her and says, "So you want to screw, eh?"

"What do you think I am, a hooker?"

"Well, you are the one who sat down on my bed."

***

A business man from Chicago arrives in San Francisco. He rents a car and tells the driver, "Petaluma."

"Yes sir."

The driver peels away from the curb, runs three red lights and they merge recklessly onto the freeway. The man screams: "You're going to get us killed!"

"Nah, my dad taught me how to drive. Dad always said stop signs are for pussies. Watch this." He passes three cars in the breakdown lane and swerves across to the fast lane, then he exits the freeway and they are on 19th Avenue in San Francisco. At every red light he eases out, stopping cross traffic and speeding through, "Like my dad said, Stop signs are for pussies."

They cross the Golden Gate Bridge, heading north to Petaluma at 100mph. They take the Washington Street exit and speed through three red lights. Then, at the intersection of Washington and Ely, even though the light is green the driver screeches to a halt. The businessman says, "You've run every red light for the last 60 miles; why'd you stop at this intersection?"

"My dad lives on this street."

***

Did you hear about the DMV manager who retired on Friday?

He tried to retire on Thursday, but he was in the wrong line.

***

The boss calls the secretary into his office. "Who the fuck," he says, "told you that just because I slept with you can sit around all day and do nothing?"

"My lawyer."

***

A Congressman seeking re-election wanted to secure his hold on the moral majority. "If re-elected," he said to the press corps, "I will ban the downloading of X-rated movies. On a fact-finding mission I surfed the net last week and downloaded a free video that portrayed the rape of a school girl, a woman taking on 15 consecutive lovers, acts of anal, oral, and group sex. Any questions?"

A voice from the back: "What the web address?"

***

Sarah Palin and Rush Limbaugh were sitting next to each other on a flight to Chicago. Palin says, "If I threw out ten $100 bills I could make ten Americans happy."

Limbaugh says, "If I threw out 100 $10 bills I could make a 100 Americans happy."

"Why don't you both jump," says the stewardess, "and make everybody happy?"

***

A young boy in San Diego enters a restaurant's bathroom. There is a Marine at one urinal and a Navy seaman at the other. The boy goes up to the seaman and says, "I might join the Navy when I grow up. Can I borrow your hat to see what I would look like?"

"Sure."

So the kid puts the hat on, checks it out in the mirror and goes up to the Marine, "I may join the Marines when I grow up. Can I borrow your hat to see what I might look like?"

"Why don't you suck my big fat cock."

"Hey," says the kid, "I'm not in the Navy. I'm just wearing the hat."

Tim and Tom were identical twins, except for their attitudes. Tom was always upbeat and Tim was constantly down. Their mom and dad wanted to create a situation where Tim would have to rejoice and Tom wouldn't be so blissfully optimistic. So one Christmas they bought Tim a pony and filled Tom's stocking with horseshit. The parents came downstairs on Christmas to see Tim sitting by his pony crying while Tom sat gleefully making horseshit mudpies. Dad hit the ceiling, "Why are you crying Tim? We bought you a pony?"

Tim said, "I wanted a real horse."

"And you," he said to Tom. "It's Christmas and you got a stocking full of steaming horseshit! How can you possibly be happy?"

Tom said, "I had a real horse, but he got away."

***

A man deplanes in Kingston, Jamaica and stands at a urinal next to a Rasta. He looks down and sees Wendy tattooed on the Rasta's cock. "Hey," he says, "My girlfriend's name is Wendy and it's also tattooed on my cock." He shows him, Wendy.

"Oh, mahn. Wendy is not my girlfriend. I'm on the tourist board and when my cock gets hard it reads: Welcome to Jamaica, man, have a lovely day."

***

Why did the whore buy a bicycle?

So she could pedal it all over town.

***

Why shouldn't you use air freshener after someone farts?

Because your house will smell like someone shit in a pine tree.

***

Following lunch at the counter the young secretary lit a cigarette, inhaled and relaxed. The health-nut lady to her right says, "I'd rather have unprotected sex with an entire hockey team than smoke."

"Me too, but I've only got half-an-hour for lunch."

***

The road sign read: 10 MILES TO GRAMMA'S WHOREHOUSE!

The man sped up and entered Gramma's whorehouse just a few minutes later. He was greeted by Gramma who said, "For $100 you get to leaf through this portfolio. Find a girl you like and then go through that door."

He paid and was handed a thick photo album. He picked out a gorgeous redhead and walked through the door into a blind alley filled with men. A neon sign flickered: CONGRATULATIONS YOU'VE JUST BEEN FUCKED BY GRAMMA!

***

The drill sergeant said to the private, "When I die you'll want to piss on my grave."

"No way. When I'm out of the army I never want to stand in line again."

***

How much do custom made diaphragms cost?

About $50 a crack.

***

A deaf man went to work for a loan shark doing collections. He was very persuasive and collected nearly $100,000 his first day on the job.

But he kept the money and split to Florida.

The loan shark located him and hired an interpreter to sign for him. "Ask him," said the loan shark, while holding a .45 to the deaf collector's head, "where my fucking money is."

The interpreter signed the demand.

The collector, shaking in his boots, responded, "It's buried in my backyard. 508 Ely Boulevard."

"What'd he say?"

The interpreter says, "He told me you don't have the fucking balls to pull that trigger."

***

How are wearing a condom and dealing with the IRS similar?

With both you are fucked with no sensitivity whatsoever.

***

Want to hear an impression of Elton John?

I believe he's homosexual; that's the impression I get.

***

Two potheads were dangling their feet in the ocean when a shark came by and bit the leg off one of them. "Dude, a shark just bit off one of my legs."

"Which one?"

"I think it was the one from Jaws."

***

A girl with huge tits walked up to the owner of the dress shop and said, "May I try on that dress in the window?"

"Sure," he said, "it'll probably help business."

***

What's the difference between a condom and a casket?

Both contain stiffs, only one's coming and one's going.

***

What's the difference between the White House and a porcupine?

The porcupine has its pricks on the outside.

***

How come President Bush doesn't listen to his conscience?

He doesn't like taking advice from strangers.

What's the difference between the government and the mafia?

One of them is organized

***

What's another name for a wet dream?

A snorgasm.

***

How can you spot the blind man on a nude beach?

It isn't hard.

***

A terribly overweight lady asked her neighbor how she lost all her weight a few years back. She replied, "Eat regularly for three days; then skip a day. Do this for two weeks and you'll drop 20 pounds."

Two weeks later they see each other in the store and she's lost nearly 40 pounds. "You look great," says the neighbor."

"Thanks, but I thought I was going to pass out on that fourth day."

"Weak from hunger?"

"No. From skipping for 24 hours."

A man visited a world famous fortune teller and asked, "How much?"

"Ten thousand dollars and I'll answer two questions. Guaranteed accuracy."

"Ten thousand bucks, isn't that expensive?"

"Yes, but I'm the best. Now, what is your second question?"

***

10 More Examples of Bad Movie Logic

1) All drinks and food arrive immediately.

2) America has one area code: 555

3) Women should always investigate any late night sounds in a push up bra and panties cut high above the thigh.

4) The Statue of Liberty is in plain view from every office in New York City.

5) All Roman aristocrats have British accents.

6) The air-conditioning system of any building is the perfect place to secretly get from room-to-room and no one will ever look for you there.

7) t.v. newscasts concerning you will be aired the instant you turn the set on.

8) Any building you need to enter has a parking space five feet from the main door.

9) All nuclear bombs have a red digital readout so you know exactly when they'll explode.

10) When cars crash they'll immediately burst into flames.

***

Why should you always put two grocery sacks over an ugly chick's head before you fuck her?

In case she drools through one.

***

A divorced and ruined businessman climbed over the railing of the Golden Gate Bridge and was ready to jump when a young man in black appeared: "Don't jump. I can help you."

"No one can help."

"I'm a warlock. I'll grant you three wishes for one favor in return,"

"Three wishes?" The man climbs back onto the bridge. "My business failed; my wife left me; I got my secretary pregnant. Fix that mess."

The man in black said, "Zip. Zap. Zup. Your business is now solvent, your wife will be moving back in with you, and your secretary just miscarried."

"Thank you."

"You're welcome. But have you forgotten about my favor?"

"Of course not. Anything."

"We are going into those bushes over there and I'm gonna fuck you in the ass."

"No way."

"A deal's a deal. And any spell I cast, I can uncast."

"Okay."

They walk over to the bushes and after some oral foreplay the man in black crams it up the business man's poop chute. After he pulls his dick out he asks, "How old are you?"

"Thirty-four."

The man in black kisses him gently on the lips and says, "Isn't that a little old to still believe in warlocks?"

***

A filthy homeless guy approaches a young lady and says, "Excuse me, miss. But may I have $1700 for a cup of coffee?"

"Why $1700 dollars?"

"I'd like to drink it in Brazil."

***

How does a chronic masturbator practice group sex?

He uses both hands.

***

Why do men fart more than women?

Women can't keep their fucking mouths shut long enough to build up the necessary back pressure.

***

What did one hooker say to the other hooker?

Can you loan me $100 until I get back on my back?

***

On the first day of the new semester the dean laid down the law: "The female dormitory is off limits. The first time I catch anyone there you will be fined $50. The second time you will be fined $100. Any questions?"

A young man in the front says, "How much for a season pass?"

***

A lady who was afraid of dying visited a psychic. "Am I going to die?"

The psychic said, "That's the last thing you're going to do."

***

Why'd the madam move her whorehouse into a one story building?

To keep down the fucking overhead.

***

What's the only thing better than roses on your piano?

Two lips on your organ.

***

The president of the Red Cross visited the wealthiest man in California to solicit a donation for tsunami relief. He laid his case out and the tycoon said, "Do you know that my brother died and left his wife with five children, my grandparents are in rest homes, my little sister has AIDS and can't work, I have four children by three ex-wives, and my best friend is a junkie?"

"That's quite a retinue, but with your resources—"

"You miss my point. If I don't give money to my own friends and family, why should I give it to some homeless fuckers I don't even know?"

***

The boss said to his secretary, "I had an erotic dream about you last night."

Flattered, she said, "Did you?"

"No," he said, "I woke up too soon."

***

At a New Year's Eve party a man walks up to a woman and says, "Why don't we end the old year with a kiss?"

"Sure," she says, "then we can go back to my place and celebrate the new fucking year."

***

"How do you," asked the roommate, "always score with the chicks?"

"I paint," he said, "a white circle on my car's dashboard. The girls always ask me about it and I tell them that white is for purity and innocence and the circle symbolizes unity and I segue into virginity and before you know it my cock's in her mouth."

"Thanks. I'm gonna try that."

So he paints a white circle on his dashboard and asks a girl out. She says, "Why do you have a white circle on your dashboard?"

"It symbolizes purity, innocence, and unity. Wanna fuck?"

Ned coasted to a stop on the road's shoulder. "The old Out of Gas routine?" asked Doris.

"No," he said, "the new Here After routine."

"Here After?"

"Yeah. If you ain't here after what I'm here after, then your sorry ass will be here after I'm gone."

***

"Do I take the next turn?" asked the taxi driver.

A muffled female voice form the backseat said, "Please do. This guy does nothing for me."

***

The Chechen ambassador described his country to the United Nations representative: "Our most popular sport is cockfighting."

"That's revolting."

"No, that's our second most popular sport."

***

Why did the nymphomaniac move to Polynesia?

She always wanted Samoa.

***

The college professor said, "What did you think of Lolita?"

"Shocking," said one student.

"Perverted," said another.

"I thought it was cute," said another, "and so did my 13 year old wife."

***

What happens when a Viagra gets stuck in your throat?

You get a stiff neck.

***

Why did the masochist commit suicide?

He was starved for affliction.

***

The owner of a coffee cart noticed a down-and-out bum sitting on a bench near his cart. For some reason the shabbily dressed man stirred his compassion. He took $20 from the till, walked over and handed it to the bum, saying, "Don't despair."

"Thank you."

The next day the bum walks up to the cart in new clothes, buys a cup of coffee, and hands Mr. Coffee $40.

"It's a buck a cup."

"That's your cut. Don't Despair came in at 20 to 1 odds."

***

Frank was suitably impressed by his brother's office. "You must be doing well, Ron."

"I've made a few investments that have paid off. In fact," he pressed a button on the intercom, "Zelda, get me my broker."

Zelda's voice sounded through the intercom, "Stock or pawn?"

***

Why do farts stink?

So the deaf can enjoy them too.

***

The boss brought a fifth of Jack Daniels to the office, cracked it open and poured a shot in everyone's coffee. "Why," his office manager asked, "are you doing that?"

He replied, "I'd prefer our customers think that they're drunk, not stupid."

***

"May I," asked the young man, "have your daughter for my wife?"

"I don't know," said the father, "bring your wife around and let me check her out."

***

Two drunks are taking a shortcut through the zoo. As they walk past the lion he lets out a tremendous roar. "Let's get out of here," says one.

"You go ahead. I'm staying for the movie."

***

A flabby guy sat on a park bench drinking a beer. A woman walked by and said, "You're disgusting. If that beer gut were on a woman I'd swear that she was pregnant."

"It has been on a woman. And she is."

***

The new father wanted the best for his newborn. He was registered in pre-school before he was born and provided with a trust fund so he could attend the finest college. At the educational toy store he asked the clerk, "I want the best educational toy you have."

"This," the clerk handed him a complicated looking toy, "will prepare your boy for life in the 21st century."

"How so?"

"Any way he puts it together is wrong."

***

Why are there no Wal-Marts in Iraq?

Because there are way too many targets.

***

What's the only thing worse than drinking a glass of tomato juice and finding a hair at the bottom?

Biting into a hotdog that has a vein in it.

***

What's the difference between a hooker and a bowling ball?

If you really had to you could probably eat a bowling ball.

Why'd the entrepreneur collect used tampax?

He exported them to Transylvania and sold them as vampire tea bags.

***

What do a crashed naval fighter jet and a whore on her period have in common?

Both of their cockpits are filled with bloody semen.

***

A daughter, living with her mother on handouts; starving, finds a dollar bill. She can't afford a dozen eggs so she talks the shopkeeper into giving her six eggs for a dollar and she manages to steal a bottle of ketchup while he's not looking. Excited, she's running home when she trips, smashes the paper bag full of eggs and breaks the ketchup bottle. In despair, she's weeping over this mess on the sidewalk when a cop walks up and says, "Don't take it so hard, honey. It wouldn't have lived anyway. See, its eyes were too far apart."

***

A teenager is told by his puritanical father, "Never stick your business in a woman. They have teeth down there that will bite it off."

Finally the urge gets the best of him and he gets a girl into bed. "Do you have," he said, pointing, "teeth down there."

"Look for yourself."

He does and says, "With gums like that I can see why your teeth fell out."

***

A salesman in a strange town is hungry-hungry-hungry so he pops into this busy burger joint and orders a cheeseburger. He lifts the bun to apply some ketchup and he sees a hair and calls the waitress over. She apologizes and gets him another burger; which, when he removes the bun has another hair on it. He knows it isn't the waitress' fault so he walks to the kitchen. He sees a big bald cook—naked to the waist—cooking burgers for this busy restaurant. The cook takes slabs of ground beef and mushes the slabs under his armpit to flatten them, then slaps them on the grill.

The man says to the cook, "That's the most disgusting thing I've ever seen."

"You should see me make doughnuts."

The service had yet to begin, but the widow wept by the coffin. The undertaker tried to comfort her: "What's wrong?"

"Donald hated green, but he's buried in a green suit."

"What color did he like?"

"Blue. Like that," she pointed to another coffin, "corpse's suit over there."

"Get some coffee," he said, "I'll take care of it."

She walked to the foyer, poured a cup of coffee and returned to the viewing room. "Amazing," she said. "You have him in a blue suit. And so quickly. How did you manage that?"

"Easy," he said "I just switched heads."

***

What's the difference between a zoo in California and a zoo in Alabama?

The California zoo has the name of the animal in English with the species in Latin. The Alabama zoo has the name of the animal in English and a recipe.

***

What's the difference between mashed potatoes and pea soup?

Anyone can mash potatoes.

Define wet dream.

Coming unscrewed.

***

Why is sex like a snowstorm?

You never know how many inches you're getting get our how long it will last.

***

A man who lived in a nudist colony had a request from his mother and grandmother for a recent photo. He had one but it was full frontal nudity, so he cut it in half. He sent the top half to his mother and the bottom half to his nearsighted grandmother. He got a card from his mother, thanking him for the photo and a letter from his grandmother, telling him that his new haircut made his nose look long.

***

The out of work porn star was looking for a new agent. "Do you have an 8 x 10?" asked the secretary at the agency.

"Shit," he said, "if I had an 8 x 10 I wouldn't be out of work."

What's the coldest part of an Eskimo?

His testicles. They're always two below.

***

Why can't witches have babies?

Because their husbands have hollow weenies.

***

Why do men lie on their sides better than women?

Because men have a kick stand.

***

How do you know when you're a loser?

When a hooker tells you that she has a headache.

***

How did Captain Hook die?

Jock itch.

***

What has four legs, is green and furry, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?

A pool table.

What has three legs and an asshole on top?

A drum stool.

***

What do you call sperm from a reporter?

Journaljism.

***

Why do Afro American men have nightmares?

Because the last one who said he had a dream was assassinated.

***

What did the little wasp Boy Scout say when he saw his school burning down?

"My homework!"

***

Why do WASPs love to fly commercial airlines?

For the food.

***

What do you get when you cross LSD with an oral contraceptive?

A trip without the kids.

***

What's the difference between a coffin and a cello?

A coffin has the dead guy on the inside.

***

What's the difference between a trampoline and an accordion?

You really should take your shoes off before you jump on a trampoline.

***

Heard about the new generic condoms?

They're for cheap fuckers.

***

Why do bagpipers walk when they play?

They're trying to get away from the noise.

***

What's the definition of vagina?

The box a cock comes in.

***

What do you call children born in a whorehouse?

Brothel sprouts.

***

What do you call a guy with no talent who hangs around with musicians?

A drummer.

***

What's the difference between a hunchback and messy room?

You can straighten up a messy room.

***

Did you hear about the new Chinese restaurant featuring hot, hot hot food?

It's called Szechwan fire.

***

A mother goes into her son's room and says, "Get out of bed or you'll be late for school."

"I'm not going."

"Why not?"

"All the teachers hate me, and all the kids hate me."

"But son," the mom says, "you have to go to school."

"Why?"

"You're the Principal."

***

What do women and a computer have in common?

You never realize how important they are until they go down on you.

***

What's the difference between an accordion and bagpipes?

Bagpipes take longer to burn.

***

What do you call a person who speaks three languages?

Trilingual.

What do you call a person who speaks two languages?

Bilingual.

***

What do you call a person who speaks one language?

American.

***

How do crazy people get through the forest?

They take the psychopath.

***

The pressures of Bush's administration were getting him down and he was suffering from insomnia so he took a nighttime stroll around the White House. As he stood in front of George Washington's portrait he said, "Mr. Washington, Father of our country, I need your advice. What should I do?"

George Washington replied, "Go to the people. Get their mandate for democracy."

Bush continued walking through the portrait gallery and stopped in front of Thomas Jefferson's portrait. He said, "Mr. Jefferson you're an expert on international affairs, what should I do?"

Jefferson said, "You need the support of the international community. Make amends with France and Germany."

And Bush continued down the hall. He stopped in front of Lincoln and said, "Abraham, you're probably the most moral and deeply thinking president we've ever had. I need your help, what should I do?"

"Relax," said Abe. "Take a night off and go to the theater."

***

Why do men name their cocks?

So they can be on a first name basis with the thing that makes all their decisions for them.

***

What do you call a person who is 50% Latino?

Sorta Rican.

***

How do you make paper dolls?

Screw an old bag.

Did you hear about ET's slutty sister?

EZ.

***

What three words will clear out a men's room immediately?

"Nice cock buddy."

***

Two sperm are swimming furiously trying to be the first to reach the egg. One says, "I didn't realize it was so far to the fallopian tubes."

"Hey buddy," says the other, "we haven't even passed the esophagus yet."

***

What's the difference between jujitsu and judo?

Jujitsu is a martial art and judo is what they use to make bagels.

***

What's the difference between regular karate and Italian karate?

They're identical, except in Italian karate there's two guys holding your opponent down while you're punching and kicking him. And instead of different colored belts you earn different colored tanktops.

***

A movie producer from Beverly Hills had to visit the inner city to scout locations. He put on his Dallas Cowboys jacket and kissed his wife goodbye. She said, "You can't wear blue in the city, the Crips will kill you."

"Thanks honey. I'll go change."

He came back a minute later wearing a 49ers jacket. His wife said, "Now the Bloods will kill you fool, go change." He came back a minute later, dressed in white, kissed his wife and left for work. He was back at noon all bloodied and beaten. His wife said, "What happened the you?"

He said, "I got beat up by a bunch of fucking nurses."

***

What's a 10 in New York City?

An ugly woman with a rent controlled apartment.

***

What's the definition of a gentleman?

Someone who can play the accordion but doesn't.

***

Two American drug dealers are arrested in Turkey where it's the death penalty for dealing drugs, but the judge says, "We are strict, but not inhumane. You'll have a meal, a woman, and a chance to hear your favorite song before we execute you."

After dinner and sex with whores the executioner asks, "What song would you like to hear?"

The first American says, "I'm a big jazz fan and I think I'd like to hear some Miles Davis."

The second American says, "I'm a big Billy Ray Cyrus fan and I would like to hear Achy Breaky Heart one more time before I go."

"Sir?" asks the first American.

"Yes?"

"Would you please shoot me first?"

***

The first thing a sailor does after a six-month stint at sea is go to his favorite whorehouse. He plops $200 down and says to the Madam, "Send anyone up." He runs up the stairs and when a prostitute enters a few minutes later she sees him on the bed jacking off furiously.

"What are you doing? she says. "You just paid $200 to get laid."

"And you think," he says, "you were gonna get the easy one?"

***

What's the ultimate in rejection?

Your hand falls asleep when you're masturbating.

***

A farmer is sent to jail for drunk driving and his wife gets stuck with all the farm work, but she is confused as when to the plant the onions. "Dear sweetheart," she writes, "when is the best time to plant the onions?"

Knowing the mail is censored he writes back, "Don't dig up the onion fields until I get out of jail. That's where all my illegal firearms are buried."

A week later, she writes him, "The sheriff was here for three days digging up the onion fields. They didn't find a single firearm."

He writes back, "You can plant the onions now."

***

Donald Trump walks out of a whorehouse and says to himself, "What a business. You've got it. You sell it; and you still got it."

***

What's the difference between a woman on the rag and a terrorist?

You can negotiate with a terrorist.

***

How do you make a woman scream twice?

Fuck her in the ass then wipe your dick on the pillow case.

***

How do you make a seven year old boy scream twice?

Fuck him in the ass then wipe your dick on his teddy bear.

***

What's the difference between a hormone and a vitamin?

You can't make a vitamin.

How do you make a hormone?

Don't pay her.

***

What do bagpipes and artillery have in common?

By the time you hear them it's too late to run.

***

A man purchased a state-of-the-art stereo for his new SUV. It was voice activated and all you have to do is name who you wanted to listen to and the radio tunes it in. He says, "Lenny Kravitz." And Lenny Kravitz's guitar is heard for the next few miles. He wants a mellower groove so he says, "Nelly." So he drives along the next few miles until someone cuts him off and he else, "Stupid fucking asshole."

And he hears from the radio, "Hi, this is Rush Limbaugh..."

***

What goes Clip-Clop, Clip-Clop, Clip-Clop—BANG, BANG, BANG?

An Amish drive-by.

***

How do you make love to a fat chick?

Roll her in flour and look for the wet spot.

***

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?

A stick.

***

What do you give a robot who is having her period?

An SOS pad.

***

Did you hear about the combination of Viagra and Ex-Lax?

It's called Easy Come, Easy Go.

***

What's the best thing about fucking six year old girl?

Turn her over and she's a six year old boy.

***

A terrorist in Belfast, pursued by the police, takes a family hostage. "Protestant or Catholic?" demands the terrorist.

"Neither," said the man, "we're Jewish."

"Well aren't I," said the terrorist, "the luckiest member of Al Qaida in all of Ireland."

***

An Irishman on his first trip to Las Vegas booked a room in a whorehouse. The next morning he met up with a countryman for breakfast. The friend asked, "How did you find your accommodations?"

"The room was a bit gaudy, but my God, the maids are fantastic."

***

What's stranger than the thought of Prince Charles being a homosexual?

The idea of him having sex with a woman.

***

An Irishman finds a bottle in the desert. He rubs it and a genie pops out. "You have three wishes," says the genie.

"I want a big bottle of Guinness that never runs dry."

POOF! It's in his hands. He opens it and drinks it. GLUG, GLUG, GLUG it refills itself. He chugs it down again. GLUG, GLUG, GLUG it refills itself. He chugs it down again. GLUG, GLUG, GLUG it refills itself.

"You have two more wishes," says the Genie."

The Irishman says, "I'll take two more of these."

***

What do you call a very intelligent Irish pig?

A cunning ham.

***

How can you all a spot the Irish guy in a hospital?

He's the one blowing foam off of his bedpan.

***

What's the difference between St. Patrick's Day and Ramadan?

On St. Patrick's Day everybody wishes they were Irish.

***

A city slicker moves to the country to try chicken farming. He picks up 300 chickens from the feed store. Next week 300 more. Then 300 more. "Wow," says the clerk, "you're selling chickens like crazy."

"No. They're all dying on me. I'm either planting them too deep or too close together."

***

What do you call a hooker with her hands up her skirt?

Self-employed.

***

What's the difference between a drunk and an alcoholic?

A drunk doesn't have to attend those stupid meetings.

***

What's the only thing better than winning five gold medals at the Special Olympics?

Not being retarded.

***

A couple has a lovely dinner and then they settle down in front of a fire with two glasses of champagne. "You know," she says, "That scab will never heal if you don't keep picking at it."

"Hey," he says, "it's your lip."

***

What's the difference between a recession and a depression?

A recession is when your neighbor's out of work. A depression is when you are out of work.

***

What's blue and fucks old people and surfers?

Hypothermia.

***

Why does Hugh Hefner have three girlfriends?

One to stick it in and two to move him around.

***

Did you hear Sarah Palin is in an Off Broadway production of "The Vagina Monolouges"?

She plays the smell.

***

What's a vampire's favorite beer?

Blood Lite.

***

What's the difference between a Ferrari and a garage full of dead babies?

I don't have a Ferrari in my garage.

***

What's the difference between jelly and jam?

You can't jelly your cock up your girlfriend's ass.

***

Bob picks up a hooker who is blowing him in the back seat of a car. Bob moans and reaches up the hooker's skirt—where he grabs a cock. He looks down and says, "Dude, when you're done, we gotta talk."

***

THE END
