>> STEPHEN: YOU KNOW, I FOCUS SO
MUCH ON SHOWCASING THE SHINY
LUXURY GOODS THAT ARE THE BI
NEWS STORIES ON THE MONOLOGUE,
BUT SOMETIMES I
LIKE TO ROOT THROUGH THE ATTIC
FOR THE BROKEN CHRISTMAS
ORNAMENTS, FONDUE POTS, SOILED
CABBAGE PATCH KIDS, AND BABY
SHOES TO TOSS 'EM ON THE FRONT
LAWN FOR THE YARD SALE OF NEWS
THAT IS MY SEGMENT --
"MEANWHILE!"
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: MEANWHILE IS THE
REVOLUTION.
JOIN THE REVOLUTION.
>> Jon: IT WILL BE TELEVISED.
( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: MEANWHILE, THE
FINAL EPISODE OF
"GAME OF THRONES" AIRED LAST
NIGHT.
NO SPOILERS, BUT IT HAD
EVERYTHING: HEARTBREAK,
BETRAYAL, DESOLATION-- AND
THAT'S JUST HOW FANS FEEL ABOUT
THE WRITERS.
( LAUGHTER )
THE FINALE WAS A MASSIVE
CULTURAL EVENT, WHETHER YOU'VE
READ THE BOOKS OR JUST HAVE AN
INSUFFERABLE FRIEND WHO HAS.
( LAUGHTER )
SOME VIEWERS ARE HAVING TROUBLE
LETTING GO.
IN FACT, "COUNSELORS ARE MAKING
THEMSELVES AVAILABLE  TO TALK
ABOUT THE SHOW AFTER THE SERIES'
END.
OKAY?
SO IF YOU'RE TRAUMATIZED THAT
THE DRAGON LADY STORY DID NOT
END THE WAY YOU HAD HOPED,
TRAINED PROFESSIONALS ARE
STANDING BY TO JACK SLAP YOU
ACROSS THE FACE AND TELL YOU TO
GROW UP.
( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
PEOPLE ARE RATTLED NOW THAT THE
SHOW'S OVER, ESPECIALLY HBO
EXECUTIVES FRANTICALLY TRYING
TO WRITE A DRAGON INTO "BIG
LITTLE LIES."
( LAUGHTER )
I'M TELLING YOU,
MERYL STREEP CAN PLAY ANYTHING!
( LAUGHTER )
BUT THE BIG TAKEAWAY TODAY IS
THAT LAST NIGHT, VIEWERS SPOTTED
A PLASTIC WATER BOTTLE SITTING
BEHIND SAMWELL TARLY'S FOOT!
( LAUGHTER )
OF COURSE, EVERYONE "THINKS"
THIS WAS A MISTAKE, JUST LIKE
THAT COFFEE CUP TWO EPISODES
AGO.
BUT NO!
THIS IS THE PERFECT CONCLUSION
OF THE WATER BOTTLE'S STORY ARC.
THEY PLANTED THE SEEDS BACK I
( LAUGHTER )
SEASON ONE, WHEN, AS A MINI
BOTTLE, IT MAGICALLY SURVIVED
THE FIRE WITH DAENERYS.
THEN LATER, THE WATER BOTTLE
SAVED BRANN STARK BY HOLDING THE
DOOR!
FINALLY RISING TO A PLACE ON THE
COUNCIL TO CHOOSE THE NEXT
LEADER OF WESTEROS!
THEN, THE WATER IS DRUNK BY
SAMWELL TARLEY, AND A FEW HOURS
LATER, ASSUMES ITS RIGHTFUL
PLACE INSIDE THE PORCELAIN
THRONE!
( LAUGHTER )
MEANWHILE, "UBER NOW OFFERS
'QUIET MODE' FOR RIDERS WHO
DON'T WANT TO TALK TO THEIR
DRIVERS," BUT "IT'LL COST YOU
EXTRA."
( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
WHAT?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
THEY JUST INCENTIVIZED THEM TO
TALK TO US MORE!
(AS DRIVER)
"ANYWAY, ONCE THE DOCTOR DRAINS
THE CYST IN MY KNEE, I'LL BE
ABLE TO SLEEP ON MY LEFT SIDE --
OH, YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT
THIS?
THAT'LL BE 2.99."
( LAUGHTER )
I GOT A GOITER!
( LAUGHTER )
( PIANO RIFF )
MEANWHILE, JAPAN IS TESTING A
250 MILE AN HOUR NEXTGENERATION
BULLET TRAIN.
IT'S CALLED THE ALFA-X BECAUSE
CALLING IT THE "RAIL PENIS" WAS
A LITTLE OBVIOUS.
( LAUGHTER )
>> Jon: WELL, THERE YOU GO.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
MEANWHILE, "A SOUTH DAKOTA MAN
IS ACCUSED OF STEALING $500
WORTH OF SEX TOYS FROM A
COUPLE'S HOME OVER A PERIOD OF
ABOUT TWO YEARS."
EACH TIME "ENTERING THE HOME FOR
ABOUT 40 SECONDS, THEN LEAVING."
40 SECONDS?
HE FOUND THOSE SEX TOYS REALLY
-- IN 40 SECONDS?
DO THEY KEEP 'EM IN A DISH BY
THE DOOR?
( LAUGHTER )
WHY?
WHY?
WE HAVE A TAKE-A-PE
TAKE-A-PENIS/LEAVE-A-PENIS TRAY.
( LAUGHTER )
MEANWHILE, "THE PITTSBURGH
ACCENT HAS BEEN RANKED ONE OF
'LEAST SEXY' IN AMERICA,
ACCORDING TO A NEW SURVEY,"
WHILE "MAINE'S ACCENT IS IN THE
TOP 5."
MAKES SENSE.
THAT MAINE ACCENT IS HOT --
(MAINE ACCENT)
"E'YAH.
I'M GETTIN' HAR-DUH THAN A
LOB-STUH."
( LAUGHTER )
MEANWHILE, TWO "U.S. ARMY
VETERANS RECENTLY EXCHANGED
WEDDING VOWS ON A NEW YORK CITY
SUBWAY."
THEY'D BOTH DONE TOURS OF
AFGHANISTAN, SO THEY WERE USED
TO BLEAK, TREACHEROUS
SURROUNDINGS FULL OF HOSTILE
LOCALS.
( LAUGHTER )
THE CEREMONY WAS PERFORMED BY
"THE GROOM'S SISTER-IN-LAW, A
RETIRED JUDGE."
AND IN KEEPING WITH SUBWAY
TRADITION, SHE TOLD HIM "YOU MAY
NOW RUB UP AGAINST THE BRIDE."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
MEANWHILE, A NEW STUDY SHOWS
THAT BRITISH PEOPLE GET DRUNK
MORE THAN ANY OTHER NATIONALITY.
THE STUDY WAS CONDUCTED BY THE
RENOWNED "INSTITUTE OF ANYONE
WHO HAS EVER MET A BRITISH
PERSON."
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH
JULIANNA MARGULIES!
