Huhuhuhahahaha...
Hello, boys and girls.
Did I scare you?
Did I scare you just a little bit?
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.
Tonight,
you have a special treat.
Jerma is not here!
Jerma is not here at all!
You get me tonight.
That is B.F. Bugleberry.
A compiler! A curator of some of the most terrifying scary stories this side of the east end.
So...
Without further ado...
I will start with some of the most terrifying pieces of media...
You have EVER seen!
So strap on. Get yourselves comfy, get prepared, because my stories have NO EQUAL!
And if you wanna, you know, if you wanna donate to the stream, you know, it's possible. There's a little button down there.
This first tale is called...
She Nearly Died in the Elevator.
I heard this story when I was in Korea.
Going back and forth between the different tribes.
Taking in the culture, and hearing all the terrible things that people- all the awful stories from empires past.
One day a girl was walking home at late night, after work or something.
It was dark, around midnight.
She lived an apartment where they had elevator.
She got in the elevator and when the door was about to close, a strange man with a very red hoodie entered the elevator.
He apologized for scaring her and asked which floor she was heading to.
Without making eye contact at all--HE DIDN'T DO THIS!
She told him out of fear and the man casually pressed the button and the one below.
As they were on the way, he asked her for her cell phone, if he could use it.
But she declined out of suspicious, and isolated herself in the corner.
After seconds of silence,
Elevator arrived to the floor below the one the girl was headed to and door open.
The guy slowly walked out of the door and turned around facing toward the elevator,
AND GIRL, and just stared at her without any movement.
Slowly, the door started to close and from the dark she could see him turning around heading upstairs.
Pulling out a knife out of his pocket.
That's the whole story.
Apparently.
But the treachery involved and the sheer madness that went in the telling of that story!
Moving on.
This one is called--
Yeah.
Bud, I have you on silent for a reason. I'm doing a thing right now.
Yeah, that Jerma985's house, you want his address?
I'll give it to you.
185122...
Talia Boulevard, Sunshine, State Avenue.
And that is in West Central Southern South Pennsylvania East.
Yeah.
Yeah, there's not- yeah. Number 1-855-659-5221. You can't miss it. It's on the right.
Anyway.
Back to what I was saying.
This next story is called "Something Was Wearing Her Skin".
Daddy? I had a bad dream!
You blink your eyes and pull up on your elbows. Your clock glows red in the darkness. It's 3:23 AM.
Do you want to climb into bed and tell me about it?
No, daddy!
The oddness of the situation wakes you up more fully.
You can barely make out your daughter's pale form in the darkness of your room.
But why not, sweetie?
Because in my dream, when I told you about the dream the thing wearing mommy's skin sat up!
For a moment, you feel paralyzed. You can't take your eyes off of your daughter, the covers behind you begin to shift!
Hyeh!
Did I scare you?
But here comes the next one.
This one has been around for over four centuries.
This one is on every top ten list of most terrifying experiences you would ever witness.
Here it come.
Want to make sure you're all in the mood.
What a devillish play this one is.
Hello Ladies and Gentlemen!
Welcome to episode one of Jermacraft!
The series where I play Minecraft. This is going to be a single-player let's play.
And when I say "let's play," I use that term pretty loosely.
Because I'm an idiot in this game.
You're gonna see lots of fails, lots of triumphs, at least I'm hoping.
Now grab yourself a nice hot cup of coffee, hot cup of cocoa.
I've got apple cider right here freshly brewed.
Get a sip of that.
Ah, that's good cider.
All right, so let's get this started. Create new world, world name is going to be JermaCraft, sounds about right.
Okay! Game mode is gonna be survival. That's the most interesting, I think!
More world options, seed for world generator.
Okay, this is important. I'm gonna name this something crazy to get cool structures and stuff.
Gonna name it, um, how 'bout...
"DiamondsAreForeverLOLcheeseBURGAH".
Alright, that's our world generator seed. "DiamondsAreForeverLOLcheeseBURGAH".
Done!
Alright let's see what happens.
Create new world. Let's see what happens guys. Building terrain, on my god. This is so terrifying. This is the episode one.
I wonder where we're gonna end up, where are we gonna end up?
Okay, what? What? Hello? I spawned on top of a mountaintop.
This is a good seed.
It's a good seed.
Okay, hold up, sound has to be lower, definitely. Okay, lower that. Lower that. Maybe a little lower. That sounds about right.
All right, so apparently...
What's that? We're gonna go explore right now! All right, we're gonna go try that again!
This time I'm not gonna miss, I'm gonna get down. That's my home, right there, I wanna live right there.
I don't have to explore. See if I can't do this. Hold on, I've got an idea. I've got a plan.
JermaCraft Episode 1, this is how we do it, you guys ready?
I don't know if you guys...
Are really ready for this.
Here we go.
I'm going for a skydive.
'Member, if you hold shift you don't fall off. That's something I didn't know when I used to livestream this game.
Are you guys ready? Ready to go see our new home? I'm ready. What the hell is that? What the hell is that?
Oh, it's an octopus! Okay. Look at this quaint little place I found.
I love it already. Already. I'm so stupid. This is why- this is why I'm an idiot, guys.
You see, I need to get wood and I just jumped off the- okay, remember this.
Where were we pointing, east? Gotta get some trees. This is the most important part about Minecraft. You gotta get trees.
That's the first thing you gotta get.
Lemme take a sip of my apple cider.
That's good stuff.
Hopefully you guys picked up a cup of cocoa like I told you, because that's the most relaxing thing...
In the whole world.
Sitting down playing video games... doesn't get much better than that.
End scene!
*Sound of woman screaming*
I have something in my eyes! I have something in my nose!
Eugh.
That was a loud scream and I didn't- I wasn't aware it was that loud.
So... as we reach the next portion of the stream...
Let's take a moment just to take in Halloween. It's coming up real soon. You'll see me again. I guarantee it.
I'll be dissecting! I'll be pulling bones out of somebody's body!
I'll be eating that person!
We are now going to read...
An except...
From Goosebumps™.
Phantom of the Auditorium.
Muhuhuhaha!
“The story starts seventy-two years ago,”
Mrs. Walker began, “the year Woods Mill Middle School was first built.
I guess Tina’s great-grandfather was a student here that year.”
“Yes, he was,” Tina called out. “He was in the first class that went to this school.
He told me there were only twenty-five kids in the whole school.”
Ms. Walker crossed her skinny arms over the front of her yellow sweater and- Whoopsie! And continued her story.
“It was a very scary play about a girl who is kidnapped by a mysterious phantom.
The boy showed it to his teacher. The teacher decided it would be fun to perform the play.
It would be a grand production with the best scary special effects they could create."
Yeah. I mean, I guess that's kinda cool.
I mean, I guess that's kinda cool, y'know?
That's not part of the story, that's me ad-libbing.
Zeke and I exchanged excited glances. The play had special effects!? We loved special effects!
"Rehearsals for the Phantom began," Ms. Walker continued. "The boy who had discovered the play at the library won the lead role of the Phantom."
Everybody turned to look at Zeke. He smiled proudly, like this! Like THIS!
As if he had something to do with it.
"They practiced after school every day," Ms. Walker continued. "Everyone was having a really good time.
Everyone was working really hard to make it a good play. It was all going so smoothly...
Until... until..."
"Tell us!" I called out loudly.
“Tell us! I-I-I-I want to know the story!” A few kids started chanting again. "Tell us! Tell us! Tell us!
Tell us!
Tell us!"
"Just fuckin' tell us already."
"Okay, I'll tell you!"
“I want you all to remember this is just a story,” Ms. Walker said again.
“There’s no proof that it ever happened,” and we all nodded.
That's your cue to nod.
"You're a fucking hack!"
Thank you!
Ms. Walker cleared her throat...
*Clears throat*
Then continued. “On the night of the play, the kids were all in costume. Parents and friends filled the auditorium.
THIS auditorium.
The kids were really excited and nervous.
They didn't know what to do!
It's a play for crying out loud, it is just a play!
“Their teacher called them together to give them a pep talk.
The play was about to start. But to everyone’s surprise, the boy playing the Phantom was nowhere to be found.”
*Gasps*
*Gasps*
Ms. Walker began pacing back and forth on the stage as she continued the story.
“They called to him. They looked for him backstage. But they couldn’t find the Phantom, the star of the show.
“They spread out. They searched everywhere. But they couldn’t find him!
The boy had...
Vanished.
“They searched for an hour,” Ms. Walker continued. “Everyone was so upset, so frightened. Especially the boy’s parents.
“Finally, the teacher stepped out onstage to announce that the play could not go on.
But before she could speak,
a horrible scream rang out over the auditorium...
*Music*
*Wilhelm Scream*
*B.F. Bugleberry laughs*
And it was frightening.
*Jerma(?) laughs*
*B.F. Bugleberry laughs maniacally*
*B.F. Bugleberry coughs.*
*Inaudible*, y'know what I mean?
The scream was so violent and loud...
Finally, a...
There's a loud noise...
And inside of that noise: a box. And inside of that box...
There's this large trophy that the children all examined and weren't sure of what it was, where it came from.
What time period did this come from?
*Strange noises*
Okay.
Ms. Walker stopped pacing. “It was a frightening scream. People said it was like an animal howl.
“The teacher ran toward the sound. She called to the boy.
"BOY?"
"BOY? Where's the boy? Boy? Boy?" And he didn't respond!
A heavy silence. No more screams.
“Once again, the entire school was searched. But the boy was never found.”
Ms. Walker swallowed really hard.
*Swallowing noise*
We were all silent. No one even breathed!
“And he was never seen again.
He was never seen again.
I guess you could say that the Phantom...
Became the REAL Phantom.
He just disappeared. And the play was never performed.”
She stopped pacing and stared at us.
Her eyes moved from seat to seat. She was scanning us. She was scanning us!
“Weird,”
Someone behind me... murmured.
“Do you think it’s true?” I heard a boy whisper. And then, beside me, Corey Sklar, that little shit, let out a gasp.
“*gasp* Oh, no!” he cried, pointing to the side door.
"There he is! That's the Phantom!"
I turned, I did!
Along with everyone else, and saw the hideous face of the Phantom, grinning at us from the doorway.
And then I grabbed him by the neck!
Like that! Like that!
And I lifted him up and did a slam suplex!
Right on the ground.
And I severed his spine!
And that's how you can tell, that it was a fuckin' happy ending!
That was a small excerpt from my favorite Goosebumps™ play, Phantom of the Auditorium.
*Wolf Howl*
That was scary one indeed.
*Wolf Howl*
Wasn't it, boys and girls?
*Pathetic Wolf Noise*
*Wolf Howl*
*Wolf Howl*
Moving on.
One of our final stories tonight.
That's not a coffee. That's NOT a coffee.
Get outta here! Get outta here!
One of our final stories is a tale that I've heard plenty of you tell.
I've seen you tell it dozens and dozens of time.
Of course we want to do it here tonight.
The story is called "I Met Jerma."
I saw Jerma in line at the donut shop,
buying donuts.
I asked him to sign my donut.
I said "I don't want to bug you and be one of those guys, you know, asking for pictures and whatnot."
And he was all like, "Oh, like you're doing now?"
I was taken aback and all I could say was "huh"?
But he kept cutting me off. "Huh? Huh? Huh!? Huh!?"
And closing his hand shut in front of my face.
I walked away and continued to follow the line at Krispy Kreme. I heard him chuckle *chuckles* as I walked off.
When I came to pay for my donuts up front I saw him trying to walk out the doors with his boxes of donuts.
And like 15 chocolate milks in his hands without paying.
The girl at the counter was very nice about it and professional, and he was like "Sir. You need to pay for those first."
At first, he kept pretending to be tired and not hear her, but eventually turned back around and brought them to the counter.
When she took one of the chocolate milk bottles and started scanning it multiple times he stopped her, and told her to scan them each individually.
To prevent any "electrical interference."
And then he turned and winked at me.
I don't even think that's a word.
But after she scanned each one and put them in a bag and started to stay the price, he kept interrupting her, yawning very loudly.
That's the end of the story.
Our final tale of deceit, destruction, and hatred, and scariness, and all the terrible things that you have nightmares about-
DO NOT SLEEP WITH THE LIGHTS OFF TONIGHT.
HAVE ONE OF THOSE LITTLE THINGS THAT BEEPS DURING THE NIGHT.
That scares off the rats and the mice and the spiders and also worked on ghosts too, if you didn't know.
This final tale.
Is titled "How to Make a Pulled Pork in a Slow Cooker."
Pulled pork is best made from the shoulder of the pig.
It's a muscular area.
But when cooked low and slow, all the sinew and tendons melt and the meat falls apart juicy in shards!
You can use any part of the shoulder. I'd like to try and get a cut with bones in it.
For added flavor and nutrition, but it's not essential.
Shoulder roasts are often labeled "pork butt" or "Boston butt."
But they're not actually from the pig's rear end.
A boinier- a bonier cut of the lower shoulder is the "picnic ham."
That's what you want.
It works great for pulled pork.
How much pork you start with depends on how many people you plan on feeding, but also on the size of your slow cooker.
If you're using a bone-in piece of pork you should plan for about 3-4 pounds per person, at your eat... cannibal... Halloween party.
Or about 1/2 pound per person for a boneless piece, y'know.
Can't be bigger than your slow-cooker. Don't fuck that up.
Season your pork, add onion, and about 1/4 cup liquid per pound of pork into the slow cooker.
And then just leave it alone!
Don't touch it. Get out of there. Stop trying to mess with it, it's nature. It'll do its thing.
Stop opening the top and looking in. "Well, darn, I'm kinda hungry." Close the fucking lid, don't look in there!
You're gonna ruin the process! It takes like seven hours! Just don't touch it, man! Go on a fuckin' hike!
Once everything is in the slow-cooker...
Turn it to low, and cook it until the pork shreds.
Easily, when you stick a fork in it.
Chop it!
You don't want it to be soft and mushy, you want it to be tender, to be able to tear through it with your fuckin' teeth like this!
Separate the pork from the liquid after seven hours.
And then turn the cooking liquid into a sauce.
Preferably a sweet sauce. One that adds plenty of flavor.
*Coughing and Laughing*
It's stuck.
Make sure to add b-
That is the secret of the decayed, destructive, pulled pork sandwich!
*Wolf Howl*
That, ladies and gentlemen...
Is my time.
Jerma985 specifically told me he'd be back from the gym in about 30 to 40 minutes.
Let's see if he's here now. He gave me total access...
TOTAL ACCESS to his computah.
Remember...
Sleep tight.
Don't let the bedbugs bite.
They will.
Hey Jerma! Jerma!
Yeah, I'm done- I'm done down here.
Yup.
I-I'm pretty much done.
Y-yeah, you can take it.
Thanks.
Hey, y'know, listen man. I...
I-I do this thing- yeah, I do it at churches.
I do it for kid's birthday parties, anniversaries...
If you- if you need me again, just, y'know. You know my number.
