I LIKE COMIC BOOKS.
I'M A FAN OF COMIC BOOKS.
(cheers and applause)
THERE ARE THE NERDS.
GET THEM.
(laughter)
THIS IS ALL JUST
A STING OPERATION...
AND ROOT OUT NERDS.
NO, I LIKE COMIC BOOKS,
AND I ALWAYS WANTED
TO WRITE MY OWN
COMIC BOOK.
I WAS GONNA CALL IT SPIDER-MAN.
NOW BEFORE YOU CALL
MARVEL'S ATTORNEYS,
MY COMIC BOOK WAS NOT ABOUT
A MAN WHO GETS POWERS
AFTER BEING BITTEN
BY A RADIOACTIVE SPIDER,
BUT INSTEAD ABOUT A SPIDER
WHO GETS BITTEN
BY A RADIOACTIVE MAN.
SO HE DOESN'T REALLY HAVE
POWERS.
HE JUST KINDA SITS ON THE COUCH,
PLAYING A LOT OF XBOX,
COMPLAINING ABOUT
HOW HE'S OVERQUALIFIED
FOR THE JOB HE'S GOT,
AND TRYING TO STAY ONE STEP
AHEAD OF HIS ARCH NEMESIS,
BLACK SPIDER-MAN
WHO'S JUST AN EXTERMINATOR
NAMED TYRONE.
WHO'S JUST AN EXTERMINATOR
NAMED TYRONE.
THERE IS A HOBBIT MOVIE,
AND THIS HAPPENED
WHEN THEY WERE
MAKING "THE HOBBIT" MOVIE.
THEY NEEDED TO CAST
SOME BACKGROUND ACTORS,
SPECIFICALLY
BACKGROUND HOBBITS,
AND SO THEY HAD
THIS OPEN CASTING CALL,
AND THIS INDIAN WOMAN,
SHE SHOWED UP.
SHE WANTED TO BE ONE
OF THESE BACKGROUND HOBBITS,
PRESUMABLY 'CAUSE SHE WAS TINY
WITH GIANT FEET.
BUT SHE SHOWED UP
TO THE CASTING CALL,
AND THEY TURNED HER AWAY,
AND THEY SAID, "NO,
YOU CAN'T BE IN THIS MOVIE
'CAUSE YOU ARE TOO
BROWN TO BE A HOBBIT."
NOW I'M GONNA REPEAT
THAT FOR YOU.
SOMEBODY TOLD
A REAL-LIFE WOMAN
THAT HER SKIN WAS TOO BROWN
TO PLAY AN IMAGINARY CREATURE
THAT BASICALLY IN
THE WHOLE FICTIONAL WORLD
OF "LORD OF THE RINGS,"
AND "THE HOBBIT"
WHERE YOU HAVE DRAGONS,
AND TROLLS,
AND TALKING TREES,
WHERE YOU DRAW
THE LINE...
WHERE IMAGINATION
IS CAPPED OUT,
NO MORE ROOM...
IS FOR A BROWN HOBBIT.
FIERY EYEBALL THING,
NO PROBLEM,
NO PROBLEM WITH THAT,
NO PROBLEM,
BUT DON'T EVEN TRY
TO IMAGINE A SAMOAN ELF.
THAT (bleep)
WILL BLOW YOUR MIND.
THAT'S WHY I NEVER GOT
INTO LIKE, "THE HOBBIT"
OR "LORD OF THE RINGS"
WHEN I WAS A KID.
I NEVER GOT INTO THAT STUFF
'CAUSE I NEVER FELT LIKE
I WAS REPRESENTED.
I DIDN'T, LIKE,
THERE ARE NO BROWN HOBBITS.
THERE AREN'T.
THERE AREN'T BLACK WIZARDS.
LIKE IF I WANT BLACK WIZARDS,
ALL I HAVE IS
A (bleep) BASKETBALL TEAM
IN WASHINGTON, D.C.
ONLY SPELLS THEY KNOW
ARE LOSING SPELLS.
(laughter)
"ABRACADABRA,
WE FORGOT HOW TO REBOUND."
(laughter)
THE FUTURE DOESN'T
GET THAT MUCH BETTER.
LIKE, THE FUTURE,
WHEN I WAS A KID,
YOU WERE IN
ONE OF TWO CAMPS.
YOU EITHER LIKED "STAR TREK"
OR YOU LIKED "STAR WARS,"
AND IF YOU'RE LOOKING
FOR DIVERSITY THERE, GOOD LUCK.
SERIOUSLY, LIKE, "STAR TREK,"
THERE'S UHURA
WHO BASICALLY JUST WORKS FOR
THE PHONE COMPANY ON THE SHIP.
THAT'S NOT FUN.
(laughter)
AND THEN "STAR WARS,"
THERE'S LANDO CALRISSIAN,
WHO'S COOL
TILL HE BETRAYS EVERYBODY.
THEN HE'S JUST SOME
UNTRUSTWORTHY (bleep)
ONLY OTHER BROWN PERSON
IS CHEWBACCA,
AND THAT DUDE DOESN'T
SPEAK ENGLISH.
THAT'S WHY I GOT EXCITED
FOR THE PREQUELS.
WHEN THE PREQUELS CAME OUT,
LIKE, I GOT EXCITED
BECAUSE THEY WERE
MAKING A BLACK JEDI,
AND FOR ME, LIKE,
WHEN I WAS A KID,
BEING A JEDI
WAS A THING THAT WAS COOL.
EVERYBODY WANTED TO BE A JEDI,
AND I THOUGHT,
OH, YOU KNOW WHAT, THIS IS GOOD
FOR LIKE LITTLE BROWN KIDS
'CAUSE THAT STUFF MATTERS,
HAVING CHARACTERS
THAT YOU CAN RELATE TO,
AND I WAS LIKE, "THAT'S GONNA BE
SO GOOD FOR LITTLE BROWN KIDS
THAT THEY'LL SEE A BLACK JEDI,
MACE WINDU, THE ONLY JEDI
WITH A LIGHT SABER
MADE OF PURPLE DRINK.
(laughter)
YEAH.
YEAH, HE WENT TO JEDI ACADEMY,
BUT HE WAS THERE ON SCHOLARSHIP
'CAUSE HIS DADDY
IS THE JANITOR.
THOSE OF YOU WHO FELT BAD,
THAT'S 'CAUSE YOU KNEW
THAT BOY IN SCHOOL.
HIS NAME WAS CALVIN,
AND YOU NEVER TALKED TO HIM,
AND NOW HE'S A JEDI.
