

# OVER 150 BEAUTIFUL AND INSPIRATIONAL POEMS FOR RECOVERY  
By  
ERIC JONES.

# Copyright©2019 Eric Jones.  
All rights reserved.

# Thank you, God for loving me unconditionally and for giving me my lovely wife, Anne

Thank you ever so much for taking the time to read my eBook. My name is Eric Jones and I have had a hell of a time coming into my own from my dysfunctional upbringing. I am here to share my experiences of utter despair to having peaceful enlightenment.

Why my eBook? Am I just another self-help guru? No, not at all. First off, I have no credentials whatsoever in psychology nor am I a licensed social worker. I am just someone who decided that my miraculous life may offer support to similar folks who have been or are currently having difficulty. Secondly, I love to write free-verse poetry. Now I am not an English teacher, nor do I possess a degree in literature. Heck, I have never had any formal classes at all in poetry. My poems are just heartfelt and sincere. There are some that are tearful and some that are quite chilling. They are easy to follow and understand.

I have been subjected to the worst atrocities anyone can do to another human-being. My story is simply incredible, because I was down and out with tremendous shame to someone that is almost unrecognizable. I share my story throughout the poems and essays when you read on.

I wrote this inspirational eBook to encourage people that there is a better way forward. I hope it helps you overcome any obstacle you are facing. I have well over 150 free verse poems along with a few sonnets throughout the book. Some of the poems are autobiographical and others are in reference to folks I have known. There are poems on very disturbing subjects such as self-harming along with sexual, physical and emotional abuse. Many poems are regarding codependency, loneliness, and addiction. Childhood trauma of neglect and bullying poems can also be found here.

The poems are arranged in a way to show the roller-coaster effect of attempting to branch out on your own away from a disturbing past with even more disturbing people and things. At the end of the poems there are poems about my survival and how I made my breakthrough with help from my wife and God above. Near the end of my eBook I have included poems for the reader which offers hope and encouragement on your own personal journey towards wellness. You will also find essays after several poems that offer inspiration and guidance that I feel may help. The essays range from my own codependency to excessive shame. I have also included help for anxiety and worrying.

**I sincerely wish you the best. God loves you unconditionally and He wants you to have the best life possible, because after all, my friend, that is why you are here.  
**

#

TABLE OF CONTENTS

SELF-HATRED Essay

ACHING HEART **Poem**  
AGONIZING SHAME **Poem**  
ALWAYS THINK POSITIVE **Poem  
**ANOTHER DAY **Poem  
**

ALWAYS REMEMBER WHEN YOU ARE HURTING Inspiration  
TREMENDOUS COURAGE Inspiration

ANY EXTREME Poem  
ANYONE'S FOOL Poem  
BACK IN THE DAY Poem  
BANGING DISHES Poem  
BARKING UP THE WRONG TREE Poem

ABOUT MY CODEPENDENCY Personal

BEHIND MY MASK Poem  
BEING COURAGEOUS Poem  
BETTER LATE THAN NEVER Poem  
BETTER RATE Poem  
BLACK SHEEP Poem

BELIEF Essay  
BEFORE YOU HAD A TITLE, IT WAS JUST YOU Essay

BROTHER Poem  
CAR IN THE SNOW Poem  
CHASE IS NOW OVER Poem  
CHIP ON MY SHOULDER Poem  
CODEPENDENCY Poem

ACCEPTANCE Inspiration

COME WHAT MAY Poem  
COMING HOME Poem  
COMING INTO MY OWN Poem  
COWS WHO CONTINUE TO GRAZE Poem  
CROSSING THE LINE Poem

CODEPENDENCY Essay

ALWAYS REMEMBER Inspiration

CUT TO THE CHASE Poem  
DARKNESS DISAPPEAR Poem  
DENIAL Poem  
DEPRESSION Poem

BETTER AVENUE Inspiration

DOWN AND OUT Poem  
DOWN AT YOUR STORE Poem  
DOWN ON YOUR LUCK Poem  
DRIVE HOME Poem  
DROP THE BLOODY ROPE Poem

CODEPENDENCE VS. INDEPENDENCE Inspiration

DYFUNCTIONAL WAYS Poem  
EVERYTHING NOW IS REALLY UP TO ME Poem  
FAMILY WHO LET YOU DOWN Poem  
FEAR PREVENTS Poem

CONFIDENCE Essay

DON'T MEASURE UP Inspiration

FEELING ALIENATED IN THERAPY Poem  
FINISH THIS THING Poem  
FOR ME Poem  
FOR SO MANY Poem  
FORM OF DESPERATION Poem

DON'T BLAME YOURSELF Inspiration

FRESH START Poem  
FRIEND Poem  
GET MY FILL Poem  
GETTING OLDER NOW Poem

EXCUSES Personal

GHOSTS Poem  
GOOD FOR THE SOUL Poem  
GUILT Poem  
HAVING A VISION Poem

GOING FORWARD Inspiration

HAVING MY SAY Poem  
HERE AM I Poem  
HIDING BEHIND MY ROCK Poem  
HUNG OUT TO DRY Poem  
I AM AN ADDICT Personal

FAILURE Essay

BLOWING A GASKET Inspiration

I DESERVE MORE Poem  
I HAVE FLED Poem  
I KNOW YOU HURT Poem

I STOOD UP Personal

INNER PEACE Poem  
JULIE Poem

HAPPINESS Inspiration

JUST A LITTLE INTIMACY Poem  
KEEPING ME OFF GUARD Poem  
KNOWLEDGE IS POWER Poem  
LEFT IN THE VAULT Poem  
LET IT GO Poem

HAS TO STOP Inspiration

LIFE UNTOLD Sonnet

LIFE Poem  
LION'S DEN Poem  
LITTLE DOVE Poem  
LIVING WITH ME Poem **  
**

HOPE FOR YOU Inspiration

LOOK BEYOND Poem  
LOOKING OVER MY SHOULDER Poem  
LOST Poem  
MANY A STRAW Poem

I AM Inspiration

MANY BENDS Poem  
MISS JENKINS Poem  
MONSTER WITH THE DARK GREEN EYES Poem  
MR. HYDE Poem  
MY TRANQUILITY Poem

FORGIVENESS Essay

CHOICES I HAVE Inspiration

NEED TO TRUST Poem  
NO EASY CHORE Poem  
NOT HOW I AM WIRED Poem  
NOW Poem  
OLD MONEY Poem

I SO KNOW WHAT IT IS LIKE Essay

ON A LIMB Poem  
OUT FROM THE DARK Poem  
OUTSIDE LOOKING IN Poem  
PERFECT PART Poem  
PLEASE NEVER GIVE UP Poem

LONELINESS IS WHEN Inspiration

POWER OF BELIEF Poem  
POWER Poem  
REACHING OUT Poem  
READY TO GO Poem **  
**READY TO PEEL Poem **  
**

MOVIN' ON NOW Personal

RECLAIMING LIFE Sonnet

REFLECTION Poem  
RELEASE Poem  
RELEASING THE STEAM Poem  
REMOVING MYSELF Poem

NOT EVERYTHING IS ABOUT YOU Personal

RESENTMENT Poem  
REWRITE YOUR BOOK Poem  
RIDING ON THE TRAIL Poem  
RUNNING IN NO TIME Poem

SAVING FACE Sonnet

PERSEVERANCE Personal  
YES, I UNDERESTIMATED Personal

SERVICES NO LONGER REQUIRED Poem  
SHAME AND GRANDIOSITY Poem  
SIMPLE AND PURE Poem  
SLIPPED THROUGH THE CRACKS Poem  
SLIPPERY SLOPE Poem

SEVERE SELF-DOUBT Inspiration

SO, ITS TRUE Poem  
SO Poem  
SOME FAMILY MEMBERS Poem  
SOMETHING'S GOT TO GIVE Poem  
SOMETIMES Poem

SELF-ACCEPTANCE Essay

STRUGGLE FOR ME Personal

STARTING OVER Poem  
STOP YOUR RAMBLING Poem  
STRANGER NEAR THE SEA Poem

STUCK IN RUT Sonnet

SUCH A GRIND Poem

SOME PEOPLE Inspiration

TALK IS INDEED CHEAP Poem  
TEN FEET AWAY Poem  
THE DARKNESS Poem  
THE LONESOME BARTENDER Poem  
THE WAY I SEE IT Poem

THE ONE TARGETED Inspiration

THE WAY TO GO Poem  
THERE ARE DAYS Poem  
THERE ARE PEOPLE Poem

SUCCESS, JEALOUSY AND SELF-LOVE Essay

LACK ENCOURAGEMENT Inspiration

THING OR TWO Poem  
THIS FEELING Poem  
THIS WAY Poem  
THORN FROM MY SIDE Poem  
TIME IS NOW Poem

YOU MAY HAVE LOST FAITH Inspiration

TIME TO MOVE ON Poem  
TOTAL SURRENDER Poem  
TURNING IT OVER Poem  
UNDER THE BUS Poem  
UNDER THE GUN Poem

TRY NOT TO WORRY Inspiration

UP TO YOU Sonnet

VISION Poem  
WANTING ME TO WILT Poem  
WEAK TREES Poem

SHAME Essay

WHAT A SHAME Poem  
WHAT THE...Poem  
WHAT THEY DID Poem

LOW SELF-ESTEEM Inspiration

WHEN RECOVERY IS SLOW Poem  
WHEN YOU ARE LONELY Poem  
WICKED STEW Poem  
WILL STOP NOW Poem  
WISH I WOULD Poem

CODEPENDENCY WILL DETACH Inspiration

FOUND SOME FAITH Poem  
THEY'RE THE ONES Poem  
LONG OVERDUE BOW Poem  
VICTORY LAP Poem  
WONDERFUL GRACE Poem  
HAPPY ENDING Poem  
WHAT IT TAKES Poem  
THESE DAYS Poem

IN CLOSING Personal

YOU SAY...Inspiration  
THINGS THAT CAN HELP Inspiration

YESTERDAY'S NEWS Poem  
ALWAYS Poem  
DON'T LOOK BACK Poem  
EVERYTHING YOU DREAM Poem

#

[SELF-HATRED  
](tmp_a94a5883f772c7a63d106820f3694193_N4_m5M.ch.fixed.fc.tidied.stylehacked.xfixed_split_004.html#selfhatred)

There are millions of people today who suffer tremendously with self-hatred and addiction problems. I have never met one person who was hooked on something that had a positive opinion of themselves. I also have never met one person from a very troubled background that has reached their full potential without looking at what makes them so chronically insecure and miserable.

I think it is such a tragedy when someone hates themselves so much that they would want to take their own life. I also find it equally disturbing how people can self-destruct, because of lack of encouragement and find all kinds of things to try and ease the pain that they feel inside. I can easily see how it all gets developed. The child that never received their basic rights and needs from their parent's will ultimately search the universe for someone or something to make them feel better. Unfortunately, most people and things they find will leave them feeling even emptier, because these people and things will be completely wrong for them.

I do believe there is a way of feeling better which can have a profound impact on your life. I wish I could tell you that it was easy without any discomfort, but that would be a lie. You must want to feel better and want it like there wasn't anything else. You owe it to you. All you have is you. You know how dreadful you feel at the moment, but it could be just a temporary mindset if you are prepared to work at your extremely low self-esteem and inferiority complex.

You may see a famous baseball player and think that he is just lucky. You may say he has God given talent and that is why he is on TV and you are sitting at home watching him. He makes it look easy, but what you don't see is how much practice he has put into his God given talent. He has devoted thousands of hours at his craft and that is why he can collect the fruits of his labor. He could be in a horrible hitting slump during the season, but deep down he knows baseball as in life has its rough patches. He believes in himself, but he knows he must stick to the fundamentals and soon he will be hitting again. He isn't perfect. He will strike out more than he wants to, but baseball as in life is a marathon and not a sprint. He will finish the season with probably a .300 average which means that 7 out of 10 times he batted things didn't go well for him.

You must be ready to take the rough with the smooth. You can have a life without restriction. You can be completely independent of people and things that are just no good for you. You are the captain of your own ship. You just must limit your time or remove yourself entirely from these people and things that bring you down. You also must learn to praise yourself daily. You need to replace the negative self-talk with positive self-talk. I told you that it wasn't going to be easy. You need to work on this and, like I said, you must want it like there wasn't anything else.

My poems begin now on the next page. Some of the content may be like what you are experiencing. They are designed to show that you are not alone. I wish you the best always!

[ACHING SPIRIT  
](tmp_a94a5883f772c7a63d106820f3694193_N4_m5M.ch.fixed.fc.tidied.stylehacked.xfixed_split_004.html#achingheart)

The bond that I have really is a terrible strain  
Hate that it causes me such enormous pain  
So tired of my love in vain  
All I really want is to feel sane

The roses I pick seem to have many a thorn  
Don't like wishing I was never born  
My love has grown old and I am worn  
My aching spirit is what I mourn

Just have to find a way to detach  
I so need to release this hatch  
To open the door, I need to remove the latch  
Feel someone out there that will be a better match

The roses I pick seem to have many a thorn  
Don't like wishing I was never born  
My love has grown old and I am worn  
My aching spirit is what I mourn

Understand fully life is too short to feel low  
Every flower needs care to help them grow  
The car that doesn't work needs a tow  
Must stop figuring everything out and just go with the flow

The roses I pick seem to have many a thorn...

#

AGONIZING SHAME

The memories are so hard to take  
You feel your sanity is at stake  
Images of painful times dominate your life  
There is just too much strife

So hard to focus with the negative voices inside your head  
Getting much harder to get out of bed  
Turning to vices feels right to cope  
You could use just a glimmer of hope

How on earth did it get this bad?  
Something must give before you go mad  
You must tell the shame to take a hike  
The British will say to get on yer bike

The pattern of negative thoughts is designed to keep you low  
Get rid of it, so you can grow  
People and events are the reason you feel sick  
Can't change the past but now you can give yourself a good kick

Promise yourself you really want to change  
You will naturally feel scared and maybe a little strange  
Write down positives about you  
Out with the old and bring in the new

Fresh beautiful flowers can be a nice start  
Therapy with God will mend your aching heart  
Crying will help immensely and help you feel sane  
You will improve dramatically when you share your pain

#

[ALWAYS THINK POSITIVE  
](tmp_a94a5883f772c7a63d106820f3694193_N4_m5M.ch.fixed.fc.tidied.stylehacked.xfixed_split_004.html#alwaysthinkpositive)

No doubt there is a darkness that engulfs me at times  
Wish I didn't answer that bell every time it chimes  
So tired of abusing myself when things don't go right  
Wish I didn't surrender so quickly when I should put up a fight

Have to admit I foolishly worry about some upcoming doom  
Old memories of lost battles certainly can loom  
People have mistreated me whether or not it was their intent  
Been an enormous struggle at times to feel content

Confidence has been non-existent from the start  
Shame is no stranger and practically has broken my heart  
Never really trusted my instincts and direction  
Blamed myself even when I wasn't the one that needed correction

Believe it or not but I don't want sympathy nor any pity  
I borrowed pages from inspirational folks and robbed their kitty  
My one and only goal is to have a strong inner belief  
I must do what I have to do to obtain some relief

I want to absorb recovery now and become a quick learner  
Understand some people, sadly, have to be put on the back burner  
Feeling sorry for myself by all means must come to an end  
This wonderful therapy will indeed help me mend

Not everything in my life has gone or will go to the dogs  
Just need to go back in history and read the logs  
Must learn that not everything is smooth sailing  
Something's just need work and it doesn't mean it's failing

Have come a long way and there is no going back  
Trusting God now and HIS plan to keep me on the right track

#

[ANOTHER DAY  
](tmp_a94a5883f772c7a63d106820f3694193_N4_m5M.ch.fixed.fc.tidied.stylehacked.xfixed_split_004.html#anotherday)

A robin has appeared today on the windowsill  
Want to get out of bed if I could find the will  
Lately I find myself in a constant sob  
Superficially, I thought it was just the job

Memories of childhood haunt me and have now affected my sleep  
Silly to be disturbed by something so long ago that makes me weep  
I have always been in control and kept myself in check  
Too many responsibilities I must tend to and no time to be a wreck

Sure, I have been told that I give too much and should have a break  
I am worried about these emotions and what is at stake  
My role is to be the rock and I am the glue  
Talking about me is not what I do

I am afraid of what I will say  
I always looked the other way  
People rely on me too much and perhaps it's not fair  
Don't think anyone I know really wants to hear

My family life was rigid and we were told not to talk  
In the past if I was stressed, I go for a walk  
Way too much abuse with so many rules I had to live by  
Never stood a chance and now look a tear has come from my eye

I lost my faith some time ago with bridges I decided to burn  
I need God right now and perhaps HE will give me another turn  
I realize there is pain from childhood and something has to give  
Guess I better take care of me, because this is no way to live

#

ALWAYS REMEMBER WHEN YOU ARE HURTING

There are some people who are just no good.  
You are not to blame and not a horrible person.  
You are not a mistake.  
You got handed a rotten deal.  
You have dealt with things that are unimaginable, but like a true winner you dust yourself off.  
You are a lot stronger than you realize and you always bounce back, because you are a fighter.  
You are a beautiful person and are loved.  
God sees everything and will reward you.  
There isn't anyone quite like you.  
You have been through hell, but you survived.  
You are truly unique and have a lot to give.  
You have done things that hurt your self-esteem, but you are learning to forgive and love yourself.  
God wants you to take care of yourself physically and emotionally so you can enjoy your life.  
Life is wonderful, because you are here.  
You don't have all the answers, but at least you haven't quit.

**Your abusers might have won some of the battles, but you, my friend, are winning the war.  
**

#

[TREMENDOUS COURAGE  
](tmp_a94a5883f772c7a63d106820f3694193_N4_m5M.ch.fixed.fc.tidied.stylehacked.xfixed_split_004.html#tremendouscourage)

Congratulations on how well you have done.  
You may feel alone at times and question if you did the right thing, because of your family and friends who are still in a dysfunctional mind-set, but that is normal.  
Trust yourself knowing that you have shown tremendous courage and that you can keep going forward.  
Speak candidly about your feelings to God and your loved ones.  
Have a laugh at yourself and try not to take yourself too seriously.  
Don't be surprised if people see a different side of you that is fun and childlike, because you are blossoming.  
There are people who will try and pull you back to where you used to be in dysfunction, but ignore them and continue to shine.  
Tell yourself that you are simply awesome every day.  
Trust yourself that you can live independently if you choose.  
Take the time to get in touch with what you want to do with a career or a hobby that you keep putting off.  
Stay away from people and things that are not good for you.  
You will have days where everything gets on top of you, but try and stay focused and you will get through it.  
You do not have to change or try and convert someone to your new way of life, because the time may not be right for them.

**Please try, my friend, to forgive the people who continue to speak and act badly against you and surround yourself with love.  
**

#

ANY EXTREME

People do enjoy picking holes in me  
Just the truth I have had to accept you see  
Been an easy target for bullies ever since I was young  
Sad, that my bell has been repeatedly rung  
Lovely person I am really  
Have to admit the pain has made me like a withered lily

Way too many times I feel my back is to the wall  
Find much comfort when I can get away from it all

True, there are times I placed myself in harm's way  
Often just wanted to break the silence by saying hey  
My sensitivity has indeed affected my swagger  
They can be sharp as a dagger  
Usually pay the ultimate price  
Thankfully, now I think twice

Way too many times I feel my back is to the wall  
Find much comfort when I can get away from it all

Nothing wrong in taking solace doing your own thing  
My interests are more important than wanting to cling  
Some people will never change  
Shrug my shoulders, because these folks can be very strange  
Incredible feeling that in life you can always change the theme  
Crazy that having peace doesn't require any extreme

#

ANYONE'S FOOL

Can I ask you something without getting mad?  
Do you honestly think catering helps your dad?  
I am not sure what you mean?  
Naturally I want him to get clean

Constantly babying your father doesn't help him at all  
Of course, he loves the fact you are at his beckon call  
He needs my help, because he is so weak  
I don't buy the fact he is that pathetic and meek

Dad needs me to look after him  
Go do that, but having your own life will certainly become slim  
You really do need to get out of your role  
Putting him or others before yourself kills your soul

Ok, I will admit I am a bit of a people-pleaser  
What really is the payoff looking after this particular geezer?  
He pays me attention when usually I am ignored  
Regarding him don't you ever get sick and tired or just bored?

Not really sure what you are driving at?  
Your father, with his own life, needs to step up to bat  
You don't understand, he is a good guy who could do with a break  
Why then must you put yourself at stake?

You are afraid he will turn on you if you stop catering right now  
Let him fall even if you have a serious row  
I haven't dealt with the fact my needs were never met  
You have to, because trust me it won't help becoming his pet

Don't you think that is pretty cruel?  
I love you and I just don't want you to be anyone's fool

#

[BACK IN THE DAY  
](tmp_a94a5883f772c7a63d106820f3694193_N4_m5M.ch.fixed.fc.tidied.stylehacked.xfixed_split_004.html#backintheday)

Used to be able to run like a deer  
That is how I dealt with the storms when they were severe  
Sure, had so many dreams of a new frontier  
Sadly, fear prevented me going forward when I was unclear

Back in the day I was young and not so bold  
Back in the day I could be bought or sold  
Back in the day I had a vision yet it was usually put on hold  
Back in the day I just wish I at least told

Always felt like some kind of sick joke  
Already had addictions before I started to smoke  
Avoided new things since I always thought I would choke  
Worked hard at jobs yet I was usually broke

Back in the day I was young and not so bold  
Back in the day I could be bought or sold  
Back in the day I had a vision yet it was usually put on hold  
Back in the day I just wish I at least told

These days I have evolved and don't feel so coarse  
Family and old friends didn't like the new force  
Still learning every day to look ahead and not across  
And don't worry this old boy is getting settled with less remorse

Back in the day I was young and not so bold...

[BANGING DISHES  
](tmp_a94a5883f772c7a63d106820f3694193_N4_m5M.ch.fixed.fc.tidied.stylehacked.xfixed_split_004.html#bangingdishes)

Said goodnight to my overworked father  
Listened from my bed as he sighed  
Shamed myself for not helping him  
Just like mom I run and hide  
The banging dishes make me jump as I cover my ears  
Wonder how I will sleep tonight?  
Trying hard to focus on something else  
Keep telling myself I'll be alright  
Long to explain this all to a friend  
Perhaps if I ask the Lord, he would indeed send

Rode the bus home with mom in her room  
She lets me in and returns to bed  
Sitting alone in the darkness of our small home  
So much anxiety fills my head  
Dad returns home and I vacate to the basement  
Rain has started and water is coming in through the cracks  
Didn't hesitate to pick things up before I was told  
Do what I can to avoid the attacks  
Long to explain this all to a friend  
Perhaps if I ask the Lord, he would indeed send

Outside I pitch my ball at the stairs  
Takes my mind off of my tears  
Wish I believed in myself more  
Don't like what is going on at my core  
Too damn scared to get involved  
Silly, that I am so withdrawn  
Someone said that I had a lot of potential  
Can't be too hard for what I undergone  
Took one too many for this team  
Perhaps one day I will show what I can do  
Must just keep going forward  
Will search for inspiration to sink my teeth into  
Long to explain this all to a friend  
Perhaps if I ask the Lord, he would indeed send

[BARKING UP THE WRONG TREE  
](tmp_a94a5883f772c7a63d106820f3694193_N4_m5M.ch.fixed.fc.tidied.stylehacked.xfixed_split_004.html#barkingupthewrongtree)

Been the master of finding fault in myself  
Certainly, can give many a run for their money  
With disliking me sometimes a day doesn't go by  
So afraid to give new things a try  
To me it's always partly cloudy instead of partly sunny

Useless way to be defined I can assure you  
Nothing good comes from it  
Can't keep pointing fingers because I am still playing a hand  
Interested in finally making a stand  
Sad when you don't like yourself one bit

Yes, it's true I had a horrendous upbringing  
Being around abuse and abusers is not good for me  
Will stop looking for any type of trigger  
Time to tackle my pain with incredible vigor  
Today I will stop barking up the wrong tree

Read somewhere most can't say I love you into a mirror  
I'm sure it would be different if the subject was hate  
I am all I have in this life  
Must stop twisting the knife  
Pain will be released just looking in the mirror stating I am great

[ABOUT MY CODEPENDENCY  
](tmp_a94a5883f772c7a63d106820f3694193_N4_m5M.ch.fixed.fc.tidied.stylehacked.xfixed_split_004.html#aboutmycodependency)

I would like to think I have a grip on my codependency, but I don't.  
I am addicted to my family of origin which leads me to have addiction problems with people and things that are not good for me.  
I obsess about them when I should be focusing on what I need to do and it drives me crazy. I often question my own sanity.  
I disregard my own needs, because I always put them first.  
I make excuses for their bad behavior and I probably could be the spokesperson for the manufacturer of rose-colored glasses.  
If I upset anyone of them, I feel sick and I must straighten it out.  
I still seek their approval and validation.  
I really do believe that deep down they care for me.  
I do try really hard to break free, but I feel like a puppet, because they are always pulling my strings and I let it happen.  
They always make me feel as if I am the overly sensitive one who had to get help where they don't need help whatsoever.  
I fall apart a lot especially if I have to see all of them at a party or get together. I usually struggle with my sleep for days prior to going and a few days after I saw them.  
I have tried staying away completely, but my anxiety always gets the better of me.

I must respect that my codependency is severe and that I can't be grandiose thinking I can beat this condition without help and support. I must limit my time with them and do the bare minimum and perhaps then I may have a chance to calm my nerves a bit.

I AM DETERMINED TO COME OUT ON THE WINNING SIDE, BECAUSE I OWE IT TO MYSELF TO FIND PEACE!

#

BEHIND MY MASK

Wonder if anyone can see right through me?  
Like to think I have everyone fooled but you never know  
Last time I revealed myself I was terribly hurt  
Haven't been strong since then to deal with the dirt  
Many people liked to abuse me which has been quite a blow

Escaped behind my mask to hide away from it all  
Not really sure why I am fair game?  
Developed addictions to help me cope  
You name it I tried it from overeating to smoking dope  
Being singled out is pure hell and you will never be the same

Appears that people see right through me even though I try to hide  
Tried toughening up with keeping my emotions in check  
Still got horribly bullied which made me feel awfully alone  
Too much of this pain has turned my heart to stone  
Must do something about feeling like a wreck

Must learn to love myself  
Take some chances with new folks and learn to trust  
Not everybody wants a piece of me  
Many will just love and let me be  
Coming away from my mask must be a must

Understand that moving forward takes a lot of courage  
Need to walk away from people who keep me in a bind  
Nothing really wrong with me at the end of the day  
Just had bad people disrespecting my nice way  
Made bad choices but I'm sure decent people won't even mind

[BEING COURAGEOUS  
](tmp_a94a5883f772c7a63d106820f3694193_N4_m5M.ch.fixed.fc.tidied.stylehacked.xfixed_split_004.html#beingcourageous)

Your picture really could do with a different frame  
Don't you want just a little to get out of the game?  
Doesn't help whatsoever passing out blame  
The attitude you currently have is pretty lame  
Being courageous is the key and you will never be the same

So many dealings with incredible pain  
Some prosper well but there may still be a stain  
Partly sunny doesn't mean there will always be rain  
You can have love that is not in vein  
Being courageous will forever be your gain

Unfortunately, some people are just not a good fit  
Forgive your tormentors even if you don't like them one bit  
Strike another match for the candle that was lit  
Always step up to bat because you may get a hit  
Being courageous means, you have to get on with it

Most cars have damage with many a ding  
Abuse of any kind certainly does more than sting  
Try hard and find a new song to sing  
You are in charge of your life because you are king  
Being courageous will show what you can bring

[BETTER LATE THAN NEVER  
](tmp_a94a5883f772c7a63d106820f3694193_N4_m5M.ch.fixed.fc.tidied.stylehacked.xfixed_split_004.html#betterlatethannever)

Was my time to step up and try  
Wiped the tears with many a cry  
Different attitude was needed to make the change  
Perseverance was the key even though it felt very strange

Negative voices within were told to take a hike  
Glad I held true to my motto of "You'll see"  
Told these people to get on yer bike  
Proved to a lot of folks they were dead wrong about me

Everything in life can be the easy or hard way  
Don't expect everyone will be pleased and on the same page  
Your own survival is worth any price you must pay  
Sabotage could be the order against you that some might wage

Nothing wrong admitting you hurt like hell  
Never surrendering will help you answer the bell  
Things get easier when you take things in your stride  
Standing up for yourself jump starts your pride

Arrived now better late than never  
Made a lot of mistakes but that is ok because it made me clever  
Surprised myself while others scratched their head  
Happy I kept fueling my tank against the negatives that were said

Hated feeling so low and down  
No question abuse is awful and cruel  
Love the fact there is a new sheriff in town  
Thrilled also that I took all the haters to school

BETTER RATE

I am one of these people that doesn't do confrontation  
You can say what is the big deal?  
I am the one who always looks the other way  
Trouble comes calling and there I am looking to stray  
Well, my friend, I'm just trying to keep it real

Growing up tempers scared me which shook my foundation  
Bullied everywhere and you know the rest  
Somehow the bullies thought they were so strong  
Everything about them is flat out wrong  
Not sure where they were when they passed out the empathy test?

People take advantage of me and I let it happen  
I am a good person and probably too nice  
I wish I could just get the monkey off of my back  
Really not my fault why I get under attack  
Too many abusive relationships with me paying a heavy price

Who wants to be nervous and withdrawn?  
Sure, is easy to keep hiding in a shell  
But I want to see if I could now get a better rate  
Deep down I feel a better life will be my ultimate fate  
And I'm going to now answer that courage bell

Self-harming is stupid and no avenue to go down  
I need to start standing up even though I feel lost  
Terrible shame that people won't just let me be  
Looking to the Lord above who will definitely help me  
I promise today I will go forward regardless of the cost

[BLACK SHEEP  
](tmp_a94a5883f772c7a63d106820f3694193_N4_m5M.ch.fixed.fc.tidied.stylehacked.xfixed_split_004.html#blacksheep)

I separated from people who didn't want to know  
Dealing with them took a toll and made me feel ever so low  
Therapy has been helpful even though initially I had doubt  
Who would have thought that so much had to be talked out?

My family have sarcastically called me the black sheep  
I could live with that because normally I don't say a peep  
They say you should take people with a pinch of salt  
Never blame yourself when things are clearly their fault

My life was out of control and it carved me up just right  
I didn't think I would be up for such a fight  
I was constantly challenged and I wanted the pain to go away  
No one from my past came or called on any given day

My family have sarcastically called me the black sheep  
I could live with that because normally I don't say a peep  
They say you should take people with a pinch of salt  
Never blame yourself when things are clearly their fault

There are days I am so easily rattled  
I must give myself some credit for what I have battled  
So many questions remain for coming away from my mask  
This was the best move even though it hasn't been an easy task  
My family have sarcastically called me the black sheep...

[BELIEF  
](tmp_a94a5883f772c7a63d106820f3694193_N4_m5M.ch.fixed.fc.tidied.stylehacked.xfixed_split_004.html#belief)

How do we become content in life when everything before has been so difficult? How can we erase or quite frankly deal with the pain of a lost childhood? Can we bounce back and sort out ourselves to be optimistic about the future? I will show that anything is possible if you want it badly enough. I realize that it probably sounds too good to be true and that it might just suit some people, but I do believe whole heartedly that anything is indeed possible.

I am living proof. My life has been full of pain. I know what it is like to be abused. I know what it is like to be neglected. I know what it is like to be humiliated. I know what it is like to be on the wrong side of the winning formula. I have led a life full of addictions and self-pity. I was perhaps the most pessimistic person you could meet.

I truly believed everyone was better than me and if you really got to know me then skid marks would be left at my feet. The thought of believing in me and thinking anything was possible was designed for other people. I was a freak and extremely flawed as a person. I lived this way until I was about twenty-six-years-old.

I needed someone to speak to who would listen without prejudice. I needed to tell this person how God awful I felt about me. I needed to tell the absolute truth for the first time in my life. I couldn't leave anything out. I had to off load and let go. The irony was that God sent me the angel I needed who became my wife. Anne is one of these types that is easy to speak with. I was a closed book and loyal to dysfunction as a fault. I would love to tell you that I embraced intimacy easily with submitting the insight of my life freely. The fact of the matter was that I fought her tooth and nail when it came to reveal much about the facts of me.

I forced Anne to earn my trust. I have been hurt way too much and I wasn't very interested in any escape plan from my inner shell. I knew she could have bailed from my insincere answers to her questions. She could have bailed on me and decided to divorce.

Anne admitted she contemplated it when she felt me refuse her love regularly. However, Anne is a very determined person and she looked at me as a challenge and a work in progress. She told me that I was a diamond in the rough. The diamond just needed care after she cleared away all the debris. Once she said I was a beautiful flower that is being suffocated by horrible weeds. The weeds must be yanked away so I could grow. Why was she being so kind to me when everyone I knew couldn't care less what I was going on about? I had so much to learn about love. Unfortunately, my stubbornness outweighed my eagerness. I dug my heels in for a cause that was tearing me apart.

My stupid front or mask was ruining me, and I am glad I finally surrendered. There was a part of me in the early days when I wished that she would go, because the pain I felt just from sharing my life was unbearable. I sincerely didn't know what was worse sharing my feelings or keeping them tucked away. I already knew how miserable I felt in my life, but this therapy if that is what it is really stinks. I would touch the surface of some horrible experience and I felt I was back there going through it all over again. Anne heard my voice tremble with my body shaking. The tears were uncontrollable. She held me and I never have been closer to another human being. She reassured me that everything is fine and more importantly I am fine.

Once I calmed down the panic would set in. What did I just do as I frantically wanted to take back everything I said? I revealed information that was supposed to be hush-hush. I was no longer protecting the horrendous episodes along with the people. I felt that my revelation to Anne would somehow get back to them and then there would be hell to pay. Simultaneously, I was terrified that Anne would clearly leave me, because with the bulk of my life I have been mistreated and abused.

I have been a coward far more than I want to remember. I didn't want her to think that she landed this complete loser of a husband. I wanted her to see me as the image I tried to show her. Anne is extremely bright and insightful. Anne insisted that she loves me just as I am. I couldn't figure it out. She wanted to know more.

Anne was in it for the long haul. She wasn't going to quit me. I would have to quit her, before she quit me. Unconditional love is what I experienced. Love found a way into my life when I needed it most. God didn't abandon me. I could learn to be whole. I can honestly say that anything is possible if you want it enough. I always wanted God to help me. The darkest days of my life were now being shown in my rear-view window since I reached out to Him. I hope you find a belief or restore a relationship with God or a higher power, because it will help immensely in your life.

#

[BEFORE YOU HAD A TITLE, IT WAS JUST YOU  
](tmp_a94a5883f772c7a63d106820f3694193_N4_m5M.ch.fixed.fc.tidied.stylehacked.xfixed_split_004.html#beforeyougave)

Before YOU called yourself an addict, alcoholic, codependent, victim, or something else it was just YOU. The irony is that as a child YOU probably liked YOU. You were fun and mischievous. YOU were more than likely a regular kid who enjoyed things like riding your bike and eating ice cream. Unfortunately, the biggest tragedy was that YOU were subjected to things that were unthinkable which forever tarnished the precious years of childhood. YOU still tried to hold onto your free spirit and dreams, but something was changing.

YOU started to act either overly responsible or became irresponsible. YOU wanted to rely on people close to you, but too often YOU found yourself alone and had a difficult time coping. School years came and went. YOU might have been terribly bullied or YOU did the bullying. There was too much madness going on at home to enjoy school. YOU were lonely, but had a hard time making friends. YOU might have known a lot of people but had no one to really call a friend.

Addictive things and behavior found a way into your life. The precious years of adolescence was absorbed in pain. YOU repeated the cycle of abuse from your upbringing in your relationships as a young adult. The patterns of abuse carried onto your adult life. YOU might have been a burden to those you loved, or you tried to rescue people from their self-destruction which ultimately paid a price on your well-being.

YOU are courageous to be in recovery and I applaud you. The titles that you give yourself now are meant to help, but always remember, my friend, that sometimes it just feels better to call yourself a SURVIVOR.

#

[BROTHER  
](tmp_a94a5883f772c7a63d106820f3694193_N4_m5M.ch.fixed.fc.tidied.stylehacked.xfixed_split_004.html#brother)

Brother called the other day  
Know I should keep my distance cause I'm easy prey  
Suggested a few beers which probably meant shots  
So true how a leopard never changes his spots  
Evening always starts out alright  
Drink soon takes effect and he wants to fight  
Hate that his temper always gets to me  
Wonder if I ever will be free?

Beautiful star-filled sky brings a sense of peace  
Denial is strong when I should trust my gut  
Sad, it's me that is targeted when he needs to release  
I give him time when I should be pulling this blind shut

Brother has been a handful since we were small  
Feeling overly responsible has always been my call  
He always was up to no good  
Upset the family as well as the neighborhood  
Learned the hard way he can't be trusted  
Smirked when he was confronted on my dates, he lusted  
Has this unique way to avoid any type of heat  
Owning his mistakes would be a very welcome feat

Beautiful star-filled sky brings a sense of peace  
Denial is strong when I should trust my gut  
Sad, it's me that is targeted when he needs to release  
I give him time when I should be pulling this blind shut

My fault because I always take his bait  
I point the finger when I am the one who can't separate  
With me what you see is what you get  
Spending much time with him would cause a lot of regret  
Guilt works very well on me that is true  
Don't have what it takes to say I am through  
Brother has admitted he is a snake in the grass  
Must be crazy thinking someday all this will pass

Beautiful star-filled sky brings a sense of peace...

.

[CAR IN THE SNOW  
](tmp_a94a5883f772c7a63d106820f3694193_N4_m5M.ch.fixed.fc.tidied.stylehacked.xfixed_split_004.html#carinthesnow)

Been thinking of you as of late  
My heart is softening from my hate  
You have been gone well over twenty years now  
Happy in my life with someone showing me how  
So much didn't have to take place  
You may think you had good reasons to hurt me  
Demons I no longer chase  
Found my way and this apple is far removed from the tree

Thought a lot of it was such a shame  
We had our moments when it would appear it was better  
Short-lived, but I withdrew and took on the blame  
Horrible feelings for myself with you making the rain wetter

Loved how you helped our neighbor with his car in the snow  
Feeling flustered why couldn't you give me a go?  
I didn't understand why you had so much rage  
Could never understand why we weren't on the same page?

You missed so much in my life  
Grateful that now there really is less strife  
Remember that you once tucked me up in bed  
I am sorry you had so much going on in your head

You are thought of now as someone who deserves my peace  
Little gems you did are what I truly miss  
Amazing how love can help wipe away most of the grease  
When we meet again let's really work on this

[CHASE IS NOW OVER  
](tmp_a94a5883f772c7a63d106820f3694193_N4_m5M.ch.fixed.fc.tidied.stylehacked.xfixed_split_004.html#chaseisnow)

So tired of hanging out on a limb  
Chance of you coming around is pretty slim  
Try and take my mind off of you at the gym  
Keep shooting and it just bangs off the rim  
Chase is now over and my life is far from grim

You were always the most difficult from the litter  
No one knew what to do even the sitter  
Sadly, I followed your lead and became a quitter  
Sorry to know that you are so bitter  
Chase is now over and I am now embracing life's glitter

Enough excuses have been made  
Tried to break your shell with a grenade  
Don't worry I will tell the Marines not to invade  
Your stubbornness can't be swayed  
Chase is now over, and I have joined another parade

Tell myself at times not to give up just yet  
Just wish you weren't so wet  
You refuse to talk when you are upset  
Blame myself since I am the one who chose to fret  
Chase is now over because when I shoot these days it's all net

[CHIP ON MY SHOULDER  
](tmp_a94a5883f772c7a63d106820f3694193_N4_m5M.ch.fixed.fc.tidied.stylehacked.xfixed_split_004.html#chip)

Went to a concert the other day  
The music group was good, but I didn't want to say  
Happens a lot to me especially as of late  
Can't give credit whatsoever not even to a date

Sounds funny but it's true and there is no end in sight  
I usually pick holes in everyone which provokes a fight  
My jealousy is strong which alienates people even more  
People are tired of me and some even have called me a bore

My own brother hides away from me in shame  
I guess I really do need to work on my game  
A lot has to do with my self-esteem which is indeed weak  
Family life was a mess and doing what was right went up the creek

Got a job where I boss people about  
The workers generally hate my guts without a doubt  
I am either way too aggressive or simply passive  
I am telling you this chip on my shoulder is massive

You can't tell me anything because I am a know-it- all  
Chose to live this way and it is definitely my call  
What can be done because I am all over the map?  
Suppose a lot of people and rightly so like to give me a slap

I think I have all the answers but I go around the squirrel cage  
Something must be done to deal with my explosive rage  
I am terribly sarcastic and here I am thinking I am clever  
No one is impressed with me and I need a new endeavor

I need to take a real good look where I am going wrong  
Need to borrow a page from people who are helpful and strong

[CODEPENDENCY  
](tmp_a94a5883f772c7a63d106820f3694193_N4_m5M.ch.fixed.fc.tidied.stylehacked.xfixed_split_004.html#codependency)

Suppose it is time to talk about the dreaded disease of codependency  
Yep, talking about the elephant in the room  
I know we are taught to look away  
Of course, addressing it will be a big price to pay  
Some would call it even an impending doom

Realize that we all are kind of stuck with it to a certain extent  
But what happens when you don't want to cater?  
How cruel to think of yourself first?  
Yep, I want you to satisfy your own thirst  
Be careful though since you will no longer be in favor

Who could say that your life ambition was to look after some jerk?  
Did he just say jerk? What's that all about?  
Yep, I call it as I see 'em  
Friend, nothing wrong in spitting out the phlegm  
Shame these same jerks never got called out

Well, I know they had a tough time of it growing up  
And your upbringing was such a hoot?  
Crazy if you died it will be their life that flashes before your eyes  
Please, friend, just get out of denial and look at the lies  
Yep, some people really do need the serious boot

Imagine if you gave up your role all together  
Yep, the elephant will go for you, no question about that  
The others will work over-time trying to get you to back down  
Some would even suggest you get the hell out of town  
But in the long run though you will be proud you stepped up to bat

[ACCEPTANCE  
](tmp_a94a5883f772c7a63d106820f3694193_N4_m5M.ch.fixed.fc.tidied.stylehacked.xfixed_split_004.html#acceptance)

I will now accept that I can't change how people treat me.  
I will now accept that I must let go of people and things that hold me back from moving forward and being happy.  
I will now accept that I never had my needs met as a child.  
I will now accept that there are people in this life who want you to feel as miserable as they are.  
I will now accept that recovery comes with a mighty price to pay and that many people will try and sabotage you.  
I will now accept that all of my negative self-talk and addictions didn't just come out of thin air.  
I will now accept that the only person I can change is me.  
I will now accept that my pain is real and it is not something that should be ignored and discarded.  
I will now accept that my purpose in life is not to cater to others.  
I will now accept that I am a worthwhile lovable person.  
I will now accept that I must continue to move forward even on days when everything gets on top of me.  
I will now accept that I don't have to spend time with anyone including family that make me feel ill.  
I will now accept that there are many people who liked me much better when I was down and out.

**I will now accept that God has never abandoned me and that I owe it to myself to find joy in this life.  
**

#

[COME WHAT MAY  
](tmp_a94a5883f772c7a63d106820f3694193_N4_m5M.ch.fixed.fc.tidied.stylehacked.xfixed_split_004.html#comewhatmay)

The sun will appear tomorrow, darling, come what may  
And I know you hurt and your heart aches from what you endured  
Sweetheart, better days are ahead  
I have complete faith you can overcome your dread  
And I'm so glad with my love you are reassured

I will love you forever till kingdom come  
And I will always be by your side, darling, come what may  
You have showed me the true meaning of love  
Please always remember that I simply just adore you my little dove  
And if anyone interfered with you again, they sure will pay

Some people just don't make any rhyme or reason  
Just wish I have known you when you were going through it  
Because I would have defended you, darling, come what may  
And I would have made certain you would have at least of had your say  
Crazy how many of those people we have had to quit

What's important is us, petal, and that is all that matters  
People come and go and talk a real good game  
No question a lot of rubbish to sort out at the end of the day  
That's ok, because, I'm prepared for that, darling, come what may  
And I will make sure you won't take on any of the blame

The great thing is that the past doesn't have to define you  
I will do my very best to keep the ones who hurt you at bay  
Sweetheart, please wipe the tears from your lovely face  
The Lord has brought us together with HIS incredible grace  
And I will love you forever, darling, come what may

[COMING HOME  
](tmp_a94a5883f772c7a63d106820f3694193_N4_m5M.ch.fixed.fc.tidied.stylehacked.xfixed_split_004.html#cominghome)

The sign looked good high up on the wall  
So many have now gathered after receiving the call  
Everyone says that they are nothing but proud  
Worked the room with catering to the crowd

Coming home has not been an easy task  
Sadly, the straps are snug again across my mask  
Told people what they expect to hear  
Doubt if anyone that showed really care?

Drinks are passed around and now just a question of time  
Denial is my guilty crime  
Tempers flare with agitation setting in  
Wish I had more of a thick skin

When am I ever going to learn?  
Saw many things through the years and in my heart was concern  
Sensitivity is at my core and I always ran and hid  
Never spoke up keeping a firm grip on my lid

Coming home has not been an easy task  
Sadly, the straps are snug again across my mask  
Told people what they expect to hear  
Doubt if anyone that showed really care?

Walked on eggshells and never rocked the boat  
Always felt I was drowning when I just wanted to float  
Returning home was a mistake when I should have stayed  
Bought into the phony hand that they played

How long before I am sucked right back to yesteryear?  
Should have known better even though they were so sincere  
Sure, do deserve a good kick or slap to the face  
God please help me with your beautiful grace

Coming home has not been an easy task  
Sadly, the straps are snug again across my mask  
Told people what they expect to hear  
Doubt if anyone that showed really care?

Really do need to find a way that works well  
Must do whatever it takes to escape from this hell

[COMING INTO MY OWN  
](tmp_a94a5883f772c7a63d106820f3694193_N4_m5M.ch.fixed.fc.tidied.stylehacked.xfixed_split_004.html#comingintomy)

Been a long time since I was a child riding my bike  
No real direction just wanted to flee  
School years came and went  
Found out the hard way how difficult it was to pay the rent  
Only myself to blame when my only priority was to be free

Supposed to knuckle down and study but I was off somewhere  
Usually dreamt of traveling with being left alone  
Worked for companies where I was the low man on the pole  
Back breaking work does indeed destroy the soul  
Never had any real money and it was a struggle to get a loan

Met a young woman from a faraway land  
She dusted me off and told me she was proud to be my wife  
Eventually agreed with her that my path had to be changed  
This little bright spark believed in me and wasn't deranged  
Amazing the impact of love can have on your life

Time came to answer the bell to better myself  
Love to tell you I took everything in my stride  
The truth is that I was playing it safe for a very long time  
The mountain of self-doubt made me feel I couldn't do the climb  
Perseverance and loving support helped me get certified

Coming into my own is a wonderful feeling  
So easy to get off track when you feel low  
Faith can be restored with God when you start to believe  
Whatever is eating you up it certainly does help to grieve  
Changing yourself takes courage and soon you will feel the glow

[COWS WHO CONTINUE TO GRAZE  
](tmp_a94a5883f772c7a63d106820f3694193_N4_m5M.ch.fixed.fc.tidied.stylehacked.xfixed_split_004.html#cows)

So easy to think you are the one always in the wrong  
Terrible mind-set that has been going on way too long  
You may have trouble with a brother or a sister  
They rub you up the wrong way causing many a blister

More than a coincidence that they blame you  
Irresponsibility is at the root of this crew  
You will wait an entirety for anything they care to admit  
Time to move on and just forget about it

Not your problem to sort out their annoying ways  
Remove yourself from the cows who continue to graze  
Understand they may indeed have your number  
You are your worst enemy if you choose to lumber

Life is too short worrying about people and things  
Be careful because this lot will insist on running rings  
Been there and done that with getting the t-shirt  
Move on because they will chew you up and have you for dessert

They think everything is their God given right  
Hate to say it but it is you that they will sleight  
Getting help is encouraged because therapy is a plus  
New support you receive will not throw you under the bus

Guilt and doubt could very well be a factor  
Search for a better way than being a reactor  
Believe in yourself and always know there is more than this  
Trust there is nothing they offer in negativity you will miss

Go forward and leave behind the weeds that won't grow  
You will wish you did this long ago

CROSSING THE LINE

You should have known the impact it would have  
Laws against this type of behavior, but you couldn't resist  
You always used people and nothing is ever your fault  
Suppose I should now take you with a pinch of salt  
You can get away with murder without even a slap on the wrist

Our relationship is incestuous and just not right  
I have spent my life trying to make sense of this  
You have interfered with everything I have done  
Crazy how trying to sabotage my life to you is somehow fun  
You act like a girlfriend of mine and it's me that you miss

I hate that I feel guilty because you are now on your own  
You don't care that you have such a negative impact on my life  
You have twisted the truth to keep everyone scratching their head  
Shame that I can't seem to shake you and what was said  
You have even tried to get me to divorce my lovely wife

I have separated, but the guilt eats me up at times  
The enmeshment is so severe that it makes me sick  
Didn't ask for any of this but here I stand  
I question if I have encouraged you and played a hand?  
All I know is I can't take any more of this stick

You studied me well and you definitely have my number  
I am just doing what I can trying to save face  
Intimacy with my wife sometimes has come to a standstill  
You have always been to me the bitter pill  
Looking forward to the day when I can finally have my space

[CODEPENDENCY  
](tmp_a94a5883f772c7a63d106820f3694193_N4_m5M.ch.fixed.fc.tidied.stylehacked.xfixed_split_004.html#codependencyessay)

Codependency really is just a mind-set that can be rectified. Labels that we give ourselves like saying you are codependent don't have to define us. I disagree with experts that say that we must assign a harsh title like this even if it is supposed to help us. How is calling oneself codependent good for your self-esteem? How many of us aspired to be this when we were young? I believe these labels or titles like saying you are alcoholic don't clearly define who you are, because it is an insult to your strength in recovery and it undermines your willpower.

You may have a difficult relationship with say your mother. The literature you read suggests that you are indeed co-dependent. Why just accept that you are stuck with this condition? The first order of business should be a plan to break away from this dependency. I know not every therapist thinks you should forever apply the title, because they believe as I do that it is temporary thing. The trouble is that there are many folks who use the label as some type of crutch. For example, when the going gets tough with detachment from the parent then it is very easy to shrug your shoulders and say, "What is the point? I am codependent." Nobody wants to feel controlled by a person or a thing.

You can also learn to have a relationship with a person if you are not pre-occupied with everything they do. The focus must remain on you. Nobody or no thing is controlling you. You do it to yourself, because you either want to be controlled or you are not ready to deal with the trouble that comes from this person. I believe an addiction to anyone is just something we get involved with from despair, but that despair does not have to be the definition of your life. We are own worst enemies.

Winning is within all of us. I know a lot of us truly believe that some people are just winners and others are losers probably based on their circumstance. We can all win or succeed and do better, but we find all the excuses under the sun not to. Winning is the much tougher option. Winning at co-dependency takes extreme dedication and willpower. The person you are dependent upon surely doesn't want you to have your own life. You provide a use to them and they are not going to take your independence lying down. They will also pull out all stops to break your newfound will, so you return to old form and be there for them. They will tap into your vulnerabilities and attempt to sabotage any real chance at your freedom to live your own life.

The only way forward or away from this horrible disease of codependency is to believe wholeheartedly that you can survive without them. You can win when you thought you would be losing forever. There will always be negative people who want to keep you down, but you must ignore them and persevere. You only have one shot in this life, and it is essential you live it the way that it bests suit you.

Codependency on anyone is no way to live your life. Personal fulfillment on any level can't be obtained if you will insist on putting someone else's needs before your own. You owe it to yourself to find whatever is missing inside to end the negative relationship that you have with this person or persons. You may fill a need in their life and there may be some type of reward that you feel benefits you, but ultimately you are just being used.

You don't want to see the true colors of this person if you indeed stopped catering. Simultaneously, you may not want to view yourself after you have stopped, because the pain of dealing with you may be very hard. The people pleaser in you needs approval and validation. The thought of giving up this most unhealthy role will take courage. I believe you do possess this courage, but there will be a lot of pain that you will face. You may be using the person that you are dependent upon as an avoidance strategy. One would argue that you are avoiding getting on with your life, because you are overly concerned with someone other than yourself.

You have only one body and one identity. They both can't be abused and neglected. There is a lot of truth that a sound body creates a sound mind. The more that you look after yourself physically the better mentally you will feel. The other thing is that if you work very hard on your physical conditioning the less available you will be for someone who is demanding of your time. The key is self-love. You can be there for someone, but always remember that your needs come first. Everything takes time to grow and your independence is no different. I believe if you devote the time to get in touch with your inner self then you will be on the correct road now and for the future.

ALWAYS REMEMBER

You can be there for people as long as your feelings are safe.  
No one's feelings should be more protected than your own.  
Be careful that you don't put yourself in harm's way.  
You can still care without catering to someone.  
Enabling or babying someone doesn't help them get well.  
Your purpose in this life is not to be at some one's beckon call.  
You are not some ones punching bag for their emotions.  
Try really hard to work on your self-esteem.  
I know you have tremendous guilt but it keeps you low.  
Someone may have your number but don't give them everything.  
Sacrificing yourself should not be an option to you.  
You will find your way in time. Coming into your own is not reserved for everyone but you.  
Ask yourself more often why you are doing what you do.  
People will not let you off lightly if you want to stop catering.  
You must want to stop for reasons that suit you and only you.  
There is plenty of great support available when you are ready.  
Try to give half to yourself what you normally give to others.  
Look after yourself sexually, physically and emotionally.  
Learn to spend quality time with just you.  
Find hobbies and passions that interest you.  
Having a strong relationship with God will do wonders.

Remember YOUR LIFE is so important because it is all you have.

#

[CUT TO THE CHASE  
](tmp_a94a5883f772c7a63d106820f3694193_N4_m5M.ch.fixed.fc.tidied.stylehacked.xfixed_split_004.html#cuttothechase)

After what Sam endured the end certainly justified the means  
No question in their minds that Sam did the ultimate sin  
Some would say it was the calm before the storm  
He spoke out and eventually turned his back on his kin  
Sam hasn't been the same since

What causes anyone to make such a dramatic decision?  
Somewhere written you don't turn your back on family  
Did Sam even talk with God or does he even care about religion?  
C'mon friend, fill me in and cut to the chase  
Let's just say with trusting your gut feeling you can still have the Lord's grace

Sam's upbringing wasn't magical  
He struggled and struggled, and you can imagine the rest  
Turned to people and things that will finish you off  
Everything just seemed to him like a horrible test  
Many viewed Sam as just another no-hoper yet

One day the clouds disappeared and the sun shined upon him  
Tears flooded his face as he sighed and tilted his head toward heaven above  
Sam smiled and decided right then and there to go out on a whim  
C'mon friend, fill me in and cut to the chase  
Let's just say with trusting your gut feeling you can still have the Lord's grace

Never let yourself or others ever count you out  
Faith will work for you even when there is doubt  
Of course, you are sick of the same old song and dance  
Incredible things, friend, are within your reach so go on and take a chance

Everyone could tell Sam was now beating to a different drummer  
He met a lovely lady who would stand by her man  
Naturally old family and friends wanted to interfere yet  
Our lovely lady helped Sam realize they shouldn't be in the plan

Life does have a funny way of working itself, friend  
Sometimes things in the past simply should stay in the past  
And you are better off without them  
Unconditional love, darling, is something wonderful and it indeed lasts  
C'mon friend, fill me in and cut to the chase  
Let's just say with trusting your gut feeling you can still have the Lord's grace

[DARKNESS DISAPPEAR  
](tmp_a94a5883f772c7a63d106820f3694193_N4_m5M.ch.fixed.fc.tidied.stylehacked.xfixed_split_004.html#darknessdisappear)

John saw a pretty girl the other day in a nice summer dress  
Seemed happy enough but that is just a guess  
He wondered will she stay that way or will she find despair?  
John just shook his head and knew he shouldn't compare

John never felt comfortable in his own skin  
Too often he was on the outside looking in  
Looking for answers in all the wrong places  
Could identify with the sadness in so many faces

Show me a light, show me a sign  
Why are so many things so insincere?  
Could you please make my darkness disappear?  
God, show me a light, show me a sign

People in John's life always took the piss  
Felt like he couldn't do any better than this  
Some would even say he was a human punching bag  
Life like this does become an incredible drag

John turned his back on some who wanted to know  
He didn't know how to just go with the flow  
Fair enough many only wanted to twist the knife  
Needing some serious help in his so-called life

Bad fortune seemed to be destined for him  
Anything positive would indeed be very slim  
John had a lot of potential just not a lot of belief  
Looking above he sought some type of relief

Funny how some things work out  
John's luck changed that day which ended the drought  
Our pretty girl smiled and extended her hand  
And love came to John near the lovely strand

[DENIAL  
](tmp_a94a5883f772c7a63d106820f3694193_N4_m5M.ch.fixed.fc.tidied.stylehacked.xfixed_split_004.html#denial)

You know it is a mighty hard task  
To finally come away from your mask  
You have been pretending so long that you feel a fake  
Living a certain way just because there is so much at stake

The truth is kept tightly hidden away  
And you work hard so the truth will never see the light of day  
Sometimes it is easier to ignore the sun and focus on the rain  
With things that are no good because you can identify with the pain

Another day and it is the same old song and dance  
Smile and do your thing hoping no one looks more than a glance  
The agony of being discovered would cause much shame  
With people who want you to stay in the game

You feel the truth is tucked away in a nice secure place  
However, people are now trying to break your poker face  
How long you can go is anyone's guess  
Living the lie without exposing the emotional mess?

You may admire people who had the guts to stand alone  
They too were scared but found a way to come into their own  
They say the truth will set you free and it's true  
Being short-sighted will keep you ever so blue

There are fine folks offering acceptance without a price to pay  
You will be heard and you can take comfort in what they say  
I wish you well on your journey and take care  
The beauty is that God already accepts you and requires no fare

#

[DEPRESSION  
](tmp_a94a5883f772c7a63d106820f3694193_N4_m5M.ch.fixed.fc.tidied.stylehacked.xfixed_split_004.html#depression)

There is a dark cloud that seems to follow me around  
Sometimes feel like I'm not floating and that I've drowned  
Lost at times not sure where I am bound?  
Must admit this horrible condition is profound

So tired of being asked why I am depressed?  
Working hard on my feelings to get them expressed  
Wish I could tell you why I get so stressed  
I know I have been incredibly blessed

Both parents suffered with terrible depression  
Didn't matter if life was up or if there was a recession  
Tried very hard to cheer them up which became an obsession  
Wasn't sure what to do would be my confession

So tired of being asked why I am depressed?  
Working hard on my feelings to get them expressed  
Wish I could tell you why I get so stressed  
I know I have been incredibly blessed

Understand now sufferers are indeed sick  
Really can't give myself or them too much stick  
Way too many holes already so there is no reason to pick  
The good thing is now the fog has lifted and is not so thick

So tired of being asked why I am depressed...

[BETTER AVENUE  
](tmp_a94a5883f772c7a63d106820f3694193_N4_m5M.ch.fixed.fc.tidied.stylehacked.xfixed_split_004.html#betteravenue)

You seek the approval of people who never amounted to anything.  
You are the one who is always calling someone up to make sure they are ok, but no one ever calls you to see if you are OK.  
Your abusive caregivers run you down for not being successful and you listen to this even though you have already matched their ceiling of higher education with a high school diploma.  
You seek out people who are emotionally unavailable yet they think you are too emotional.  
Your family take advantage of you yet have the audacity to tell you not to take any crap from anyone.  
You honestly think you can change your abusive partner and that someday he or she will come through for you as long as you hang in there.  
The only person that you can change is you.  
You receive praise from people outside of your family and so-called friends.  
You try and scratch it off like a dog with fleas, because it is too painful yet insults are very familiar to you.  
Your abusers' feelings must be protected at all times, but your feelings somehow don't matter at all.  
The real shame is that you don't realize you have the strength to rid yourself of anyone that disrespects you.  
Please try, my friend, to let go and venture down a better avenue than the current dead-end street you are on, because you deserve to be happy without all the abuse and negativity.

[DOWN AND OUT  
](tmp_a94a5883f772c7a63d106820f3694193_N4_m5M.ch.fixed.fc.tidied.stylehacked.xfixed_split_004.html#downandout)

You probably have met my type before  
I am the guy who hasn't amounted to anything in life  
My name is Charles and I work at the local mill  
Job is awful and it has been a bitter pill  
Complain to everyone who will listen especially my wife

Class clown in school with taking nothing serious  
Life of the party always up for a joke  
Not really happy for anyone who has answered the bell  
I will admit I am jealous of anyone who has done well  
Truth is I am afraid of challenging myself because I may choke

People have suggested ways I could improve  
I tend to lose my patience and I get mad  
Understand the message they are trying to send  
Just don't have the self-confidence to mend  
I use humor to hide behind the fact I am very sad

Don't have many friends because I put people off  
They have grown tired of my big chip  
Happy to report I gave up smoking and drink  
Realize I have to work harder in how I think  
Must stop feeling sorry for myself with being a drip

Trouble is I have a ton of excuses to begin  
I have driven my wife and everyone nuts  
They really don't know what to do with me  
Love to say to them, "You just wait and see"  
Perhaps if I just shut up and looked into getting some guts

[DOWN AT YOUR STORE  
](tmp_a94a5883f772c7a63d106820f3694193_N4_m5M.ch.fixed.fc.tidied.stylehacked.xfixed_split_004.html#downatyourstore)

Seems like I am always seeking you out  
Good or bad days here I am without a doubt  
Looked deep inside and searched my inventory throughout  
Wish I could cope better without giving you a shout

Always find myself window shopping down at your store  
Hope this time won't be as bad like before  
Make decent progress but something grabs me at my core  
Think about you often and I wish I didn't want more

This makes crazy sense to me and that is why I feel sure  
Loving you is simple and pure  
Know I should be seeking out a cure  
You have no possible idea how much I can endure

Always find myself window shopping down at your store  
Hope this time won't be as bad like before  
Make decent progress but something grabs me at my core  
Think about you often and I wish I didn't want more

Feel like a kid who had their favorite toy taken away  
The yearning for you is so strong on many days  
Plenty of demons left I need to slay  
God is who I seek now because I so need to just stop and pray

Always find me window shopping down at your store...

[DOWN ON YOUR LUCK  
](tmp_a94a5883f772c7a63d106820f3694193_N4_m5M.ch.fixed.fc.tidied.stylehacked.xfixed_split_004.html#downonyourluck)

Funny how we think old problems are a thing of the past  
The truth is that they surely can last  
Got bullied as a kid  
So many times, being afraid so I just ran and hid

Unfortunately, people bully even when you are an adult  
Not much good at all comes from that result  
That's all on me now and I'm not going to pass the buck  
Misery comes your way, son, when you are down on your luck

Someone said that I don't have any boundaries  
Suppose it's true since I have a lot of unpleasant memories  
I don't know but I can do with simply a new brand  
Maybe start with drawing a line in the sand

No country has just a fence without a border  
God, how I hate having post-traumatic stress disorder  
Well, it's time now to turn the corner and I will try not to suck  
Oh, how misery comes your way, son, when you are down on your luck

Guess it's true you can't change who you are  
Perhaps I should try now and smooth out the dents on my car  
Therapy suggest you turn yourself inside and out  
Have no problem with that as long as it helps with my self-doubt

Will admit now I was also terrible with malicious envy  
You know jealous of everyone including the stars on TV  
Makes no sense to go on and on beating myself up  
Just another bad habit of mine since I was a pup

Churchill said if you are going through hell to just keep going  
Every new seed now needs love and nurturing to keep it growing  
Well, I don't know about you but I'm sick of all this muck  
Misery sure does come your way, son, when you are down on your luck

Only people who have been there know what I'm truly saying  
Just tired, man, of the hand I've been playing  
I guess I could try and even the score  
Yeah, I know no good looking backwards when it's time to just ask for more

Really, I believe it, right this second, that it is all about your attitude  
Does it really matter if shit people ever gave you gratitude?  
Friend, nothing wrong with love and support from the right folks  
Your tombstone doesn't have to read "Here lies the SOB who chokes"

Pick up your sorry ass and wipe away those forever tears  
Do what you have to do in dealing with your fears  
Trust me you want old family and friends to say "Hey, what the fuck?"  
Just think no more misery, son, because you won't be down on your luck

[DRIVE HOME  
](tmp_a94a5883f772c7a63d106820f3694193_N4_m5M.ch.fixed.fc.tidied.stylehacked.xfixed_split_004.html#drivehome)

The cars are not moving during rush hour  
She looks down at the seat to see her flower  
Once again, they decided to give it a try  
She was reluctant but never before seen him cry

Trust was broken because he decided to cheat  
She knew forgiving him would be no easy feat  
Traffic is now moving at a snail's pace  
She cursed herself for not demanding space

He said he never wanted to break her heart  
She laughed out loud because he played such a part  
The reason given was that it was just a silly fling  
She questioned herself if she was doing the right thing?

The car behind hits his horn to move ahead  
She had drifted off in her thoughts about what was said  
He was not the first guy who took advantage of her nice way  
She was now angry and decided there was more to say

The look on his face was smug even though he showed relief  
She asked God for help and took comfort in her belief  
Cars were now moving along and she could see her road  
She knew breaking up with him would be a heavy load

Starting over would naturally suit him well  
She suddenly felt chilled knowing it would be a tough sell  
Manipulation was something he was clever about  
She would stick to her guns even though she had doubt

The exit to her home came near  
She headed toward his apartment to deal with her fear

[DROP THE BLOODY ROPE  
](tmp_a94a5883f772c7a63d106820f3694193_N4_m5M.ch.fixed.fc.tidied.stylehacked.xfixed_split_004.html#dropthebloodyrope)

Out of nowhere Peter Smith decided to one day have his own life  
He naively thought his folks would welcome his future wife  
Tug-of-war began with Peter trying hard to make sense of it all  
Got to the point where he was furious whenever they did call

This is for those who desperately need to drop the bloody rope  
Wish it would be easy, my friend, to just pass on the envelope  
This is for those who desperately need to drop the bloody rope

Angela Jones was just fifty-seven years old  
Angela's soul died about twenty years earlier so I'm told  
Mama and Poppa warned her not to never ever leave home  
Listen carefully and you can hear a very disturbing moan

This is for those who desperately need to drop the bloody rope  
Wish it would be easy, my friend, to just pass on the envelope  
Never seek approval say if you and your partner want to just elope  
This is for those who desperately need to drop the bloody rope

Well, so many people need things to be a certain way  
Step outside that red line and oh man you will pay  
No rhyme or reason, my friend, to this ongoing mess  
Letting go and removing yourself would be my one and only guess

Only one life to life and it's you who better beware  
Listening to others and it will be you that needs repair  
Rocking the boat and voicing your opinion will probably provoke a fight  
That's ok, darling, trust yourself and always do what feels right

Inspired by the song "Souls of the Departed" by Bruce Springsteen

[CODEPENDENCY VS. INDEPENDENCE  
](tmp_a94a5883f772c7a63d106820f3694193_N4_m5M.ch.fixed.fc.tidied.stylehacked.xfixed_split_004.html#codependencevsindependence)

Controlling everyone and everything in sight  
Others needs are more important than your own  
Desperation and insecurity are at your core  
Everyone's opinions good and bad matter to you  
People are put on a pedestal by you  
Enmeshment is something you know too well about  
Needy folks are very drawn to you  
Denial is something you do quite a bit  
Every need of yours gets put on the back burner  
No chance of having personal fulfillment  
Can't seem to bring the focus on you  
Your inner child has tremendous hurt  
OR  
Have a massage after a nice Jacuzzi  
Loving your time at the beach gazing at the sun  
Having a terrific friend  
Being at ease  
Learn to play golf and work on your handicap  
Nothing wrong wanting to be carefree  
Travel to Rome and see Trevi Fountain  
Knowing you are valued  
Have a nap and you decide when you want to awake  
Enjoy a walk in the woods and look for a robin  
If you were a car you would be a classic

Life is wonderful because you are here

DYSFUNCTIONAL WAYS

The chaos has always been hard to understand  
Keep quiet, look the other way and don't raise your hand  
Abuse of alcohol, drugs, and other vices promises danger  
There has to be another way to deal with the anger  
The pain is real and nobody wants to speak of the shame  
You are mostly ignored but found when they assign blame

You want to take off the rose-colored glasses  
You may want to scream out to the masses  
You want to stop being in such a flap  
You want to break free from a most certain trap  
You may want to stick to your guns and not waver  
You know you can't rock the boat if you want to stay in favor

You naturally want to explore many things in this life  
Having a career with maybe even taking a husband or wife  
You may think that you can just brush off the past  
I wish you could but it was a terrible spell that was cast  
All of the madness will creep up and give you no rest  
New partners may question putting you to the test

The madness must be explored and talked about  
You were trained ever so well, and I know there is doubt  
Nobody is going to make it easy on you  
God and healthy support are ready when you want to leave the zoo

[EVERYTHING NOW IS REALLY UP TO ME  
](tmp_a94a5883f772c7a63d106820f3694193_N4_m5M.ch.fixed.fc.tidied.stylehacked.xfixed_split_004.html#everthingnowis)

Can't say I am surprised by their behavior  
They certainly are incredibly rude  
Out of denial I am with the rose-colored glasses off  
Way sick of this endless feud  
Anxiety makes me scratch my face raw  
Must find a way to uninstall  
No excuses not to start  
Everything now is really up to me

Nothing good comes waiting for them to change  
They love to cross the line and disrespect  
My own fault for doing nothing whatsoever  
Family is supposed to care the last time I checked  
They are annoying like flies at a nice picnic lunch  
All you want to do is get away from that bunch  
No reason to keep complaining  
Everything now is really up to me

Lied for them and made myself look ever so foolish  
They always take with coming back for more  
The problem definitely is mine alone  
God they sure do know how to make me sore  
Time for adjustments in my life  
Sick to death with all the strife  
Will now turn all my attention on myself  
Everything now is really up to me

FAMILY WHO LET YOU DOWN

You may have trouble with a sister or brother  
The same can probably be said for your dad or mother  
You are not supposed to talk about anything that goes on there  
Keeping the madness to yourself just isn't fair

Everybody is losing it without anyone having a grip  
You are rudely labeled as being withdrawn and a drip  
Dad or mom does drugs or drinks too much and lashes out  
You are scared of their temper and you wonder what is it all about?

The family system is flawed and doesn't work at all  
You read a brochure for therapy but are afraid to make the call  
You will catch merry hell if they found out you want to vent  
Being trained well and guilt will sabotage your dent

You can't change your family because it is over your head  
The good thing is you can change yourself instead  
Finding ways to speak of your shame may come at a cost  
There is sadness but moving forward is better than feeling lost

Dysfunctional families are everywhere from New York to Rome  
You are not alone with your pain that is going on in your home  
Proper support will help and give you what you need  
Recovery is the key even though it can go at a very slow speed

Always love yourself and ask God to guide you  
You will blossom in time and be ever so new

FEAR PREVENTS

Many can't tell  
That you hide away in a shell  
Always say that you are doing well  
Little do they know you indeed dwell  
Fear prevents you from answering the bell

Confidence has been a struggle from the start  
Doesn't make any sense because you are so smart  
You are strong to pull any cart  
Capable if you had to live apart  
Fear prevents you releasing the pain from your heart

Shame says that everyone is better than you  
Mind-set like that would make anyone blue  
Forgive yourself today and stop your chew  
Detach now from any negative crew  
Fear prevents you from changing your horrendous view

Give life a try and see what will unfold  
Don't buy into everything that was sold  
Unfortunately, there are people who are cold  
Build a new foundation and rid yourself of the mold  
Fear prevents you from seeing that you are gold

CONFIDENCE

Confident people do not waste their time in belittling anyone. They devote their time inspiring those around them. The top managers of any company know that encouragement not only brings out the best in the individual but is great for overall morale. The principle of hard work with reward is passed down from the top down to bottom.

There will be plenty of time for play, but for now there is a job at hand, and they must knuckle down and stay motivated. Most of us want to feel that we belong to something if we were being honest. We take pride in our work even it is a gutty job.

I strongly believe that positive encouragement and praise go a very long way. What does it really take just to say to someone that they are valuable and that they are appreciated? The low worker on the totem pole, who doesn't feel that great about themselves, would love to hear, that because of them, sales targets were hit. Unfortunately, the boss usually cracks the whip, barks out orders and leaves a nasty atmosphere to work in. I realize there are deadlines to meet and pressures can be significant, but there is a way to get the most out of your workers. I reckon the best approach is to simply ask for what you need as opposed to just freaking people out with your hysterics.

Subordinates do not know what is currently being sent down from a customer or the top. The bearer of this news must be calm yet assertive in how they pass along this information. Effective managers rise to challenges and take the new demands from clients and upper manager as a way of life.

I know it is only natural to dig in your heels hoping that things stay just as they are, but that is not the case. Changes happen at work as well as life, so the best approach is to just accept it just comes with the territory. Technology is ever expanding. Elderly people may or may not be able to understand computers, but they are here to stay whether they like it or not. There are more things today that require people to be on-line than ever before. Job applications must be downloaded. Internet banking is the norm. Fantastic savings can be made with shopping and travel without having to leave your home.

I do believe it is only to be more improved in the future. I know there are many people who want things to slow down a bit, because they are still getting their bearings with how things are currently, but they also must be ready for the next big thing.

People also change and not always for the better. I know people who are completely different from how they were years ago. The fate of some folks has not always materialized how it was supposed to be. We all knew someone from high school who was popular and did well academically. They seemed destined for a nice life after graduation, but they veered off course with addiction or they met the wrong partner who dragged them down. Suddenly, a once promising future has suffered, because of bad decisions and being surrounded by negative people. Thankfully there are beautiful stories of people who struggled from substance abuse problems who are now doing very well for themselves.

I have come to understand that you really don't know what anyone is dealing with until you have walked in their shoes. The popular kid may have an alcoholic parent who insists that he or she must excel to bring some type of reward to the shame of the family. The pressure on the kid could be monumental to single- handedly try and be the hero in the family when they may not want that responsibility. He may try and fulfil the wish of the family and may be successful at first but may also find comfort in their own addictions.

The same can be said for the child who was underestimated by everyone. They were labeled a loser and a no hoper. The sadness of not being included amongst your peers is horrible. School grades will naturally suffer if the student is basically unhappy in life.

Everyone needs encouragement and for someone to believe in them. I don't believe there is more of a reward than to bring someone out of their shell by giving them time to shine so they can come into their own. Time must be spent to wipe away the tears and to build probably for the first-time self-worth with a strong foundation.

All of us have such amazing potential that it is really an incredible shame that many of us never got out of the batter's box because of basic self-hatred that came from our parents or caretakers. There are so many us that never had anyone who believed in them. I don't mean the occasional compliment or the nice pat on the back, but someone who inspired and basically steered us on the right course.

I do understand now that every successful person has had someone such as a family member, coach or teacher who picked up the pieces when things didn't work out. Self-help gurus make out that strong confidence is something that can be required if you believe. There is some truth to that, but to believe must come from proper praise by another person. Sufferers of abuse didn't just wake up one day hating themselves wishing they could be anyone but themselves. The pain and misery along with the insults have been consistent as rain on an April day.

The key word here is consistent. The abused kid can bank that loved ones and so-called friends will let him down time and time again until no one must be around anymore, because all the negative dialogue will become automatic. Famous athletes have had at least someone there constantly bringing out the best in them. Talent was already there, and these great mentors just fine tuned them to become the best they can be.

There must be some type of validation. Things don't always fall into our laps and situations can be horrendous. I am mesmerized by the incredible confidence displayed by professional athletes who are in a slump and getting tremendous grief to basically snap out of it. Fans boo them, owners lose patience and the media rips them to shreds yet when interviewed they are convincing that it is just a temporary thing. They have such an inner belief that they know it is just that, because they have been down this road before and it won't be long before they are performing again. The same athlete who is slumping may even search for guidance from the same folks who got him to this top level.

Everyone needs someone in their corner. The top boxer in the world will always listen to his manager, because the manager sees things that he may not see. The fighter is doing the grunt work, but he is being mentored by his manager. I adore baseball and practically every game there is some poor pitcher out there who is getting clobbered by the opposition. He is struggling and it is only the 2nd inning. He has already given up two home runs and has earned five runs. The manager pulls him from the game. Fans boo him as he exits to the dugout. He is visibly upset. The pitcher may sit on the bench or he may vacate to the showers. I am fascinated by the sheer guts he needs to get back out there for his next turn in the rotation. The media make out that he is a complete bust. The manager receives pressure from upstairs to go with someone else or to bench him. No one believes he can bounce back except for the people who got him to this position.

These people must reinforce the confidence in him whether he wants to hear it or not. Nobody is indestructible and there is nothing wrong in building up anyone whether it appears they are coping. The strong inner belief will be tested the next time he goes out there. There is a very good chance he could stink the place up the next time he pitches, but he may not. The key is to not give up and to try.

I learned to quit at a young age. Quitting was easy, but very short-sighted. I didn't see the impact it would have on my life by throwing in the towel too prematurely. I found that it became a habit. The more adversity I encountered the more I went into a shell and abandoned ship.

I could now run myself down and vent out how stupid that was, but it is pointless. I must accept that is what I did, but I also must accept that nobody was there to coach me back to the batter's box, so to speak. That is a hard pill to swallow, because it does open an ugly can of worms. I played little league baseball. I did well my first year. There was support. My manager took an interest in me. My father also showed concern and support. My team came in first place and I was instrumental in being a key player.

The second year I played I thought the magic would return, but nothing came together. I couldn't hit a beach ball if it was thrown in my direction. My pitching was nothing to write home about. My manager was distant and unfriendly. There was no one that came to my games. I remember playing left field and looking over at the friends and family members sitting in the bleachers and no one was there for me.

The feeling was that if no one could be bothered then why should I bother? I didn't understand that maybe I needed extra practice on my whole game and that I was just going through a bad patch. I could play the game. I was doing the bare minimum and it showed. I didn't believe in myself and it showed. I lacked the enthusiasm I had last year, and it was a real shame. I needed someone to step up and show me love. I needed to know that I had potential and that these setbacks are the norm not only on the baseball field, but also in life.

Confidence must be instilled in a person from a very young age. The young child must be adored, cherished and feel that they are ever so special. Hugs and kisses must be the norm without too much chaos in the home. Every child needs to be validated. They need to know they are wanted and adored. The child needs to know that they are the here for a great purpose and that they are a precious gift. I know there are so many of us where our childhood was not ideal. I often pondered why my own childhood was not what it was supposed to be. My parents had a ton of problems and neither my mom nor dad had their own needs met. They never spoke of their childhoods, but I know it was rife with abuse and neglect.

Once I asked my mother about her dad and she just blurted out that he was a mean drunk. My own mother struggled with alcoholism and her temper was mean and nasty. She was like her own man whether she wanted to admit it or not. There is an expression in therapy that says that if you don't pass it back that you pass it along. My parents certainly passed all their crap onto us kids whether it was intentional or not. They did not have the courage to deal with the anguish and pain of their childhood.

Once again it really is about courage, because to have the guts to state aloud that you don't like what's happening is really something to behold. The reason why families are so dysfunctional is because everyone runs for the hills when people want to talk about something other than sports and work. The other downfall is when family members want to control the topic of conversation by attempting to hush people by using their temper or other scare tactics.

People naturally would like to feel that their emotions and more importantly their feelings are important and will be respected. Self-confidence is vital to being free from the dread of hating yourself. Self-confidence is very hard to obtain if you feel sick from the horrible abuse you suffered.

I have read plenty of books and read enormous inspiring messages that promote self-love. I believe what I have read. I love the word "toxic" when it is referred to negative people. I think it is quite accurate and very clever whoever coined the label. Negative people will zap every ounce of confidence you possess if you let them. The key here is that if you let them. They are always searching for a way in and that is why it is imperative that some type of shields is in place, because you are going to need them.

There are many times where someone got the better of me, because I let my guard down and I was left frustrated and once again upset by what just occurred. However, I feel I have improved and that there is hope. I have also now understood that if people are unhappy that they want you to be on their level of unhappiness. I was very naïve, because I honestly thought "loved ones" would be happy for us when we told them about our holiday or would comment on photos that we shared. Anne would take their hostility and move on and plan our next trip abroad. I wanted to put the brakes on our enjoyment, because it really was leaving a nasty taste in people's mouths. Anne would lecture me saying that they would love it if we stopped doing what we liked to do. She said you must just accept that with success comes a lot of grief.

I am not sure who came out with the saying that jealousy is just a lack of self-confidence, but it is so true. I know so many people who begrudge any successful person a nice car or home, because they haven't accomplished anything themselves. I was thinking of this elderly man who went to see his doctor. Mr. Tyler decided to inform me that the doctor had his beautiful Mercedes-Benz parked right outside the building. He went on to tell me that he has really let himself go with his weight and basically looked a mess. I thought that the good doctor must be on fine form to have irritated Mr. Tyler so much. I did see the same doctor sometime later. I did see the shiny gold Mercedes-Benz parked right outside. I laughed to myself when the doctor was in good spirits along with a super tan. He mentioned that he just returned to work after three weeks in Florida swimming and working on his golf game. Mr. Tyler mentioned his weight, but he looked no different than most middle-aged men who probably could lose ten or fifteen pounds.

Mr. Tyler is ninety-four-years-old and more than likely did not possess the smarts to be a doctor. He is jealous of this man who had to study things that most people wouldn't be able to handle. The jealousy that Mr. Tyler struggles with is ugly and consuming. I see nothing good that can come from it. The good doctor is not going to terminate his practice, sell his lovely car, and stop going to beautiful destinations, because it doesn't sit well with Mr. Tyler. Mr. Tyler is not alone.

Recently I terminated my relationship with my brother. Alfred suffers terribly with jealousy and envy. He was ignoring me and has been very distant for well over a year. I called him out on it and initially he said he was just busy, but I knew there was more to the story. Alfred wrote a disgusting email saying that when I left for a job transfer well over seventeen- years -ago to California that he looked at it as I abandoned him.

He has no use for me now so as he put it, I was out of sight and therefore out of his mind. My brother liked me much better when he felt he was above me. There are a lot of people like this. They only want you around, because it makes them feel better about themselves. Alfred viewed me as some type of misfit, and he had much more going for him than me. He cleverly would find my weaknesses and then skillfully would bring them up and use them against me.

Once I worked for a company where I unloaded thousands of boxes from trailers. The work was physically exhausting and quite frankly soul destroying. Alfred is gifted with mathematics and was studying to become an engineer. I was frustrated, because my talents were more with humanities and arts. I didn't explore my many options in college of pursuing a career that suited my abilities and passion. I felt that I would have been a starving artist if I pursued my interest of being a writer.

I didn't sit down with a guidance counselor where I could have been pointed in the direction of political science, journalism or even teaching. The low self-confidence I had was evident, because there are many artists who have been true to themselves and never lost sight of their dream. They all have a gift and they work various jobs to support their passion.

I was not thinking like this way back then. I found this good company that had good pay and decent benefits and worked in the warehouse. I honestly thought that this was it for me. The irony of it was that I honestly thought I was fortunate to have this position. I justified the fact I was going brain dead and damaging my back, because I was paid well, and the company provided a nice profit-sharing scheme.

Alfred never encouraged me to explore my talents. He thought it was amusing that his younger brother did this type of work. We never really got along properly as some siblings do. I have exaggerated our relationship from a few isolated good times. I am saddened by my brother, but I have found that some people are just not good for you whether they are family.

I am glad the relationship is over; because he can't be trusted and if I was being perfectly candid, he does not have my best interest and therefore had to go. I tried with him, but anything that is so difficult really does tell you everything you need to know about someone. I often think it is amazing how easy it is to get along with someone where another person is like pulling teeth. I realize it took a tremendous of self-confidence and courage to end the relationship with Alfred. He wasn't expecting it, but at least he can't hurt me ever again. I am not sure if I will contact him ever again. Alfred is very bitter, and I believe hates my guts. He holds me accountable for so many things in his life. He is in desperate need of therapy and I say that not in the way it may come across, but out of basic concern.

DON'T MEASURE UP

You may think that most people are better than you. You may feel that you don't measure up. You may feel insecure and intimidated a lot of the times. The truth is that there are smarter and better looking than you. There are people who have an incredible body and receive much attention. There are so academically gifted that quite frankly is mind boggling. There are also people with enormous wealth that could run circles around you. There are some people who are tremendous athletes and brilliant educators.

You should just admire and respect them without running yourself down. You have qualities and assets that are buried underneath your negative self-image that are wonderful. You could spend your time in self-pity running down the guy or girl who apparently has it all. You don't know what they are dealing with.

WOE is me will get you nowhere. You should give credit where credit is due. You should not be preoccupied with someone's achievements, because you don't know for certain what they struggle with. Jealousy and envy are horrible traits to have. They keep you from moving forward and paint an ugly portrait of your character.

Do you honestly think any famous actor or actress will take a pay cut in their next film, because you don't like the fact, he or she makes 20 million a film? I didn't think so. Please try and improve your own life without focusing on someone else. You are your own worst enemy, but it doesn't have to be that way.

Try hard not to be a nuisance to people who are doing well. Have you ever thought they may would like you to get out of your crappy mind-set and do something with purpose? You are your own worst enemy, my friend. Learn to love yourself and accept your limitations and always remember that you hold the keys to your own happiness.

FEELING ALIENATED IN THERAPY

Everyone always looked at you as joke  
Therapy was needed even though many thought you would choke  
You bravely went forward and became very stoic  
Nobody wanted to give you credit that you are indeed heroic

Your family life was hurtful, cruel and sadistic  
Some members are nasty, horrible and narcissistic  
You feel better now and want everyone you know to rejoice  
The sadness is that they don't want to join you with your choice

You may try hard to convince them this is the way  
They are not ready and maybe will never listen to what you say  
You feel you have the keys to a new car and nobody wants a ride  
You could be traveling alone as you take things in your stride

You sincerely want to get everyone on board  
You see how old ways don't work when things are stored  
You make too much sense now and want to shout it out loud  
They could make it their mission to announce they are not proud

You may have to leave everyone in the state they are in  
You have to keep moving forward and that is no sin  
There are healthy people who will get where you are coming from  
They also know what it is like to feel numb

Try hard and keep going without worrying of these things  
Nobody has the right to try and damage your wings  
The beauty of therapy is that there is so much to share  
Trust in God and others because they will show that they care

FINISH THIS THING

People I trusted have let me terribly down  
For my own sanity I had to leave town  
Became an emotional wreck from my horrendous start  
The constant abuse nearly broke my heart

Took a tremendous amount of crap that is true  
Gonna require a lot of work to feel new  
Needed to change but had so much doubt  
Shown incredible guts in sorting myself out

The tears shed were years of enormous pain  
Guilt and shame played so much on my brain  
Now I am at the end of this road  
Didn't have one before but I now have a code

Still feel awfully scared I must admit  
So many times, I wanted to quit  
First time really giving myself a chance  
Loving me is the beginning of a wonderful romance

Folks I know will probably never change  
Living my life without addiction is strange  
The Good Lord has paved the way for me  
All I have to do is walk through to finally be free

Realize I can now never go back to what I know  
My own life is most vital, and I must give it a go

FOR ME

You were told often that you were a handful and bad  
Your self-esteem was never developed making you feel sad  
The senseless rules in the home affected you at a terrific cost  
School years came and went and you still felt ever so lost

People violated and abused you  
In turn you lashed out on yourself or on some undeserving few  
You were exposed to drug and alcohol abuse before the age of ten  
You could write volumes about the madness with a paper and pen

Severe abandonment with no one there offering protection  
Developed problems among them having a horrible fear of rejection  
Relationships have been hard leaving you emotionally all alone  
Speaking out against the injustices chill you even now to the bone

Therapy is something that your family probably will do without  
You could be traveling alone and I know you have self-doubt  
Trust is something that is foreign to you but is required  
Talking about your pain is not how you are wired

Support is crucial and there are plenty that will lend a hand  
You should be commended for breaking the trend with taking a stand  
Your family may have painted you being a loser and a reject  
You are actually a winner who just needs work on their project

Your caretakers might have provided shelter, clothes and a name  
That doesn't give them the right to abuse and give you the blame

FOR SO MANY

They would say you are the one that wanted the bash  
The hospital said it was more than just a gash  
Not surprised that nobody made a mad dash  
I'm sure they would if they were to receive cash  
For so many families are a bad rash

Unfortunately, some people never learn  
Reaching out to unemotional people is something you yearn  
Us friends have had to be so stern  
Time is now for you to make the right turn  
For so many, desperation should be a concern

Need to stop going back for more  
Typically, they have decided to ignore  
Must deal with the pain at your core  
They do no nothing but get you sore  
For so many changes need to be in store

Really wish you would stop saying you are fine  
Hurting and disrespecting you is done by design  
Please stop catering and knock down your shrine  
I care deeply and love that you are a friend of mine  
For so many, shame needs to be reduced in order to shine

FORM OF DESPERATION

Guess this is what they call codependency  
Making excuses for people who cause a lot of aggravation  
Just like a good foot soldier doing the grunt work  
The illusion is you think there is some type of perk  
Bending over backwards for these people is a form of desperation

So much at stake if you don't sort yourself out  
Life's decisions can go brilliantly or horribly wrong  
You can do nothing because of someone or you could have a ball  
Holding on for someone to come through doesn't help you at all  
Sticking to what you want to do will make you strong

These people will muddle you up and it should not be ignored  
The trouble with denial is that it plays tricks with your mind  
Constantly giving in to please is easy if you are not willing to fight  
Trouble is that they will keep upping the ante which isn't right  
Life is too short to be always be in a terrible bind

There are times when it appears, they have won  
You don't think clearly and say all kinds of things you don't mean  
They will suck you back and promise you the stars  
Try if you can think of it as a jail with cast iron bars  
Work on yourself at all costs and please do leave that scene

This is your life after all and you won't get a second chance  
Take it from someone who has paid the price  
Done the ground work and opened up my eyes  
Dealt with the truth and focused on the lies  
Decided my life was indeed the best slice

DON'T BLAME YOURSELF

You are so used to blaming yourself when people don't come through for you that it has become habitual. You have waited your whole life waiting for things to be different, but they are just as difficult now as they were when you were young. The problem is not you even though you might try and convince yourself or whoever else will listen that it is indeed you. You want it to be you, because for some crazy way it just feels easier to cope with than the realization that these people did everything but care for you.

You have all the excuses ready for them, "They didn't mean it', "They had a tough time of it themselves growing up", "Deep down they really care about me", "Can you blame them for lashing out with how I act". The truth of the matter is that these people probably need professional help, but that doesn't mean they will ever seek help.

The only person you can change is you and until you understand that simple statement you will drive yourself nuts trying to work it out with these types of people who regularly upset you. You can try and just accept that the problem is not you and that you are not responsible for their happiness. They will cleverly convince you otherwise, but your life is something that should be cherished by you. Please learn to love yourself enough to put yourself on the same pedestal that you dutifully place these people.

You must always protect yourself from abuse to build your self-worth. You can do this, because there is too much at stake if you don't.

#

FRESH START

Nothing good comes from being controlled  
Abuse often starts with people we are supposed to trust  
Someone always wants to pull your strings  
They sure do know how to clip your wings  
Having your own life is simply a must

Coming into your own is easier said than done  
Peeling away layers of hurt takes a lot of time  
You may feel like a bird that won't fly out of its cage  
So many questions which can easily lead to rage  
Naturally your abusers wouldn't ever want you to drop a dime

Things that interest you should never be ignored and forgotten  
Your own wants and desires should be of the highest concern  
Don't waste your time with folks who want you to cater  
Changing your ways will place you out of favor  
Loving yourself unconditionally is something you need to learn

Father time soon passes all of us  
You will feel so much better with a fresh start  
You owe it to yourself to give yourself a chance  
Today begin a lifelong romance  
Luckily, it's never too late to release the pain from your heart

FRIEND

They say you must let the chips fall where they may  
Realize it is easy to blame yourself at the end of the day  
Forcing things to be how you want is control  
Let people be and remind yourself you are not on patrol

Illusion is that if you work harder eventually you will get through  
Shrug your shoulders and remove yourself from that scene  
The focus has to remain on you  
Do what you have to do but you must learn to wean

Wish it wasn't this way for you my friend  
Watching you get hurt time and time again is more than an insult  
Sadly, it is your upbringing why you depend  
So much out there that is a better result

Can't really explain why they treat you so wrong  
You really are lovely and so easy to get along  
No matter what angle you try they won't budge  
Hope soon you hear me and feel my nudge

There was a rainbow that showed after the storm  
Love seeing you happy and on fine form  
You deserve so much more than this mess  
All I see is that they cause you undue stress

Please work on this and give them a rest  
They misled you and lied  
I love you and simply want the best  
I will always be by your side

GET MY FILL

Guess they call this complex persecution  
Have to admit I have made my contribution  
Only natural to feel there should be retribution  
Need to search for a better solution

Intimacy is a struggle when I hang onto old ways  
Easy to kid myself the crappy mind-set is just a phase  
Dysfunction can be a small fire that can easily turn into a blaze  
Certainly, going to take some work to get through this haze

Got to learn to be still  
Feel at times spiritually bankrupt like an empty till  
I usually bark up the wrong tree trying to get my fill  
Must start now even though the battle is so uphill

Intimacy is a struggle when I hang onto old ways  
Easy to kid myself the crappy mind-set is just a phase  
Dysfunction can be a small fire that can easily turn into a blaze  
Certainly, going to take some work to get through this haze

Time for me to enjoy myself and pass the junk back  
So tired of going through it and giving myself flack  
Need to lead and separate from any negative pack  
I will work tirelessly to finally be on the right track

Intimacy is a struggle when I hang onto old ways...

GETTING OLDER NOW

I look back on my childhood more now that I am getting older  
Have done some good stuff in life but wish I was a bit bolder  
Suppose it is only natural in wanting to be someone you are not  
I am content in what I have achieved and I do appreciate what I got

Don't know about you but there is some regret  
Growing up a lot of things didn't make sense that I rather forget  
Crazy that old painful memories certainly do last  
Had to overcome way too many issues from the past

I realize everything happens for a reason  
Must not dwell because there is always a new season  
Different time for me but some folks are caught up in life's game  
Notice many avoid their true feelings creating enormous shame

See a lot going through the motions just trying to stay afloat  
Perhaps their lives would be better if they did rock the boat  
I am sure mixing things up is out of character and probably strange  
Imagine how exhilarating life could be with just a little change

Get a new hairstyle, wardrobe and take a look at your old car  
Book a vacation even if you don't want to travel that far  
You might want to confront someone who deserves a shout  
Life does pass us by if we are always in a pout

I don't have all the answers but I do know there is hope  
You won't have anything if you sit around and mope  
Nothing is easy but you will be happy you gave something a try  
You might even impress yourself and wipe a tear from your eye

EXCUSES

Who am I?  
I don't believe I am an addict.  
I feel I am not that bad.  
I know personally a lot of people worse than me.  
I can quit anytime I want.  
It's no big deal because it helps me cope.  
Everyone has their vices.  
It's cool that people get therapy but it's not me.  
I still go to work.  
You see that guy now he is an addict.  
I am angry because you are accusing me of something, I am not.  
I am not having a relationship with anything.  
Will you please lay off my looks and weight.  
Why are you looking at me like that?  
What about my upbringing?  
My folks did a great job considering.  
Everyone runs to things when they are stressed.  
Name a family that is not dysfunctional?  
I don't love it more than you.  
It's my money I can spend it anyway I choose.  
I don't have a secret life nor do I stash things.  
You act like I am this horrible person.  
You don't know what it's like.  
You should look in the mirror before you judge me.  
I am telling you the truth.  
Who am I?

GHOSTS

So, my needs were not met as a kid  
Is that why I always hid?  
The yelling was very hard to take  
No wonder I took an extra slice of cake  
Well aware of the bullies at school  
Same type even at the local pool

What do you suggest I do now?  
I have to learn to communicate somehow  
Start by talking of the pain at hand  
Doesn't it take courage to make a stand?  
You think I have the guts to take this on?  
Think therapy is a bit of a con

Have I ever heard of fight or flight?  
You got me confused with some type of knight  
Why am I here?  
Because a lot of shit just ain't fair  
What's troubling you the most?  
I don't know...maybe just the ghosts

Of course, I struggle immensely with trust  
But we need to get to the crust  
I am here whenever you want to start  
You can go back to them or finally play it smart

GOOD FOR THE SOUL

Doesn't really matter what you were told  
You can rebuild yourself today my friend  
Return or throw away crap that was sold  
Loving you is what you should comprehend

Horrible emotional abuse stings  
No good at all comes absorbing their pain  
People say all kinds of negative things  
So many folks certainly are a drain

Unconditional love is your main goal  
Nothing wrong in wanting to get away  
Spending time alone is good for the soul  
All you can do for them is simply pray

There is a diamond once you dig up your old ruins  
Not everyone you meet is a good fit  
Besides who really wants to lick anyone's wounds?  
They really must just get on with it

Rude in saying you need to change with just another attack  
You might even think at least one family member is some kind of nutter  
They get at you for your moods, but isn't that the pot calling the kettle black?  
At least you are attempting to remove yourself from the gutter

GUILT

Never thought I would be in this position  
I have blossomed and have indeed come into my own  
People wrote me off and didn't think much of me  
They are scratching their heads with the person they now see  
Feels good but I have found myself all alone

Nobody I know has changed whatsoever  
They are now jealous and want me to disappear  
Hearing about me causes them to hide away from me at all cost  
I have struggled with their reaction making me feel lost  
Try reaching out to them but turning away is how they now steer

Feel guilty as if I have done something wrong  
I have had the courage to face my painful past  
They are still stuck in a rut not playing a hand  
These folks resent me for being rewarded and taking a stand  
Ostracized and ignored is how I am cast

Many will say I am better off without them  
Trouble is the enmeshment that has been hard to shake  
Been a struggle keeping to the straight and narrow  
Need plenty of support to be sharp as an arrow  
Hurt by how I am treated and they have even called me a fake

Sure, I was one of them for a long time  
Decided that it was time for me to give it all a rest  
I persevered and did well because I needed a severe jolt  
Call it intimidation or resentment is why they chose to bolt  
Guess I will have to live with the fact they now see me at my best

HAVING A VISION

Always struggled to make up my own mind  
Seems like I just go along with what I am assigned  
Crazy but it's all true  
Somewhere along the way I lost my view

So afraid to look deep inside my soul  
Have to admit it has gotten out of control  
Silly, that I feel funny when I must make a decision  
Must understand there is nothing wrong with having a vision

Everything can be traced back to when you are young  
Mind everyone and watch your tongue  
Nothing good comes with being seen and not heard  
Easy to understand why eventually you don't utter a word

Life gets tricky when you try and find your way  
People will naturally want to hear what you have to say  
Obeying the family and doing what you want will cause a collision  
Must separate with having a vision

So tired of putting others needs before my own  
Hate that I became an expert on everything I was shown  
Wish, my darling, I wasn't so afraid  
Much to sort out with how I have been played

Interested now in stopping the press  
Will do what is necessary to deal with my never-ending mess  
Sick now of living in the past  
Want to start winning instead of coming in last

Know too well I will receive a lot of grief  
Understand nothing is easy when you want to turn over a new leaf  
Happy to report now I will make my incision  
Love that I am having a vision

Doesn't matter that it has taken forever for me to get it  
The important thing is I now know what I must quit  
No need to be in a constant sob  
Lots of work ahead with my new job

Always struggled to make up for lost chances  
Way too many unfortunate circumstances  
Somehow always fell off my path  
Up to me now to change the aftermath

Always struggled to make up my own mind  
Seems like I just go along with what I am assigned  
Silly that I feel funny when I will make a decision  
Must understand there is nothing wrong with having a vision

GOING FORWARD

You can always feel sorry for yourself.  
You can always put up your hands and say the pain is too much.  
You can always keep going through it with people who abuse you.  
You can always let everyone disrespect you.  
You can always wait for someone to come through for you.  
You can always remain in the job you hate or remain unemployed.  
You can always stay overweight, unhealthy and unmotivated.  
You can always run yourself down.  
You can always keep abusing drugs, alcohol, and other things.  
You can always have excuses why you can't do something.  
You can always stay in the company of so-called friends.  
You can always surround yourself with people who keep you unwell and don't have your best interests.  
You can always give up on therapy and getting well.  
You can always turn your back on people who are there for you.  
You can always stay miserable and jealous of people.  
You can always be without God in your life.

You can always try to love and be a friend to yourself.  
You can always ask God for help and the right people.  
You can always start or progress with your recovery even when you don't see or feel how it is helping you.  
You can always start going forward, because you already know how awful you feel when you remain stagnant.

HAVING MY SAY

The more things change the more they stay the same  
I certainly do get sick of this game  
Don't bring up issues and never rock the boat  
Swear, I want to grab anyone of them by the throat

Control emotions at all cost  
Doesn't really matter if anyone is lost  
Hi, how are you and what's new?  
Guess, what I'd really like is to speak of the glue

I know, I know it's different from the weather  
Please listen before you attach the tether  
I'm upset about things that occurred back in the day  
Here you go again preventing me from having my say

I feel pain and I want to discuss certain things  
At this point I don't care what it brings  
Do I want to tear the family apart?  
What about the weight on my heart?

Ungrateful is your guess  
Not my fault coming from this mess  
What do you want from us?  
Perhaps don't throw me under the bus

Come back when you get your head on right  
Never mind, I'm going to God with his amazing might

HERE AM I

Seem to be drifting off in my own little world  
Don't feel I am in the here and now  
Withdrawn with poor communication  
Experts call it disassociation  
Wonder if I will ever fit in and learn how

This is how I respond to being mistreated  
Pressure to snap out of it so they look good  
So many people on my case  
Wish they would just give me some space  
Getting to the point where I wonder if I could

Shouldn't blame myself because of the abuse  
They are not sure what to do about me  
My little shell is probably not a good sign  
Hurting on the inside yet telling everyone I am fine  
Wouldn't have this problem if they just let me be

Love inspirational people who made a difference  
They too had their hands full and felt bad  
Nobody I know personally but they tried  
From what I understand they spoke up and cried  
Better get busy before I go mad

The future looks promising  
Looking forward to getting away  
Hanging around here is not helping at all  
Need to improve me will be the right call  
Got to remember it is my life at the end of the day

HIDING BEHIND MY ROCK

Those who knew me before having scratched their head  
They now have this brand-new person instead  
Credit is not something that will come easy  
Still feel at my core like a motel room that is cheesy

Never branched out before until I met the love of my life  
The success we have really comes down to my wife  
Looked upon in the past as someone who didn't have a clue  
Ridicule and enormous shame were served up by this crew

Always worked hard, but it never amounted to much  
Can't really say I came through in the clutch  
She took me under her wing as she released her amazing ambition  
Unfortunately, my family's love has many a condition

We came back for a visit after traveling the world  
The romance blossomed and we certainly have whirled  
Jealousy and envy were now the talk of the town  
However, they saw through me which upset and made me down

The humorous expression given was that I was nothing but a hoax  
There was no doubt I was still looked upon as the one who chokes  
Have to admit I have spent a lot of time hiding behind my rock  
Struggle immensely that I am viewed as a laughingstock

Wish I could change the negative perception  
Know I have and need a ton of support and I'm not into deception  
Nothing I can do whatsoever to change the past  
Must never feel bad for what we have amassed

The impression is that I am only strong, because of her love  
Yes, it is true, but I am also working on me with God above

HUNG OUT TO DRY

Here I am once again on the outside looking in  
Stood up for myself and with my family it is the ultimate sin  
They have each other and they say I am the crazy one  
The good news is that I am far from done

The thing with therapy is that you do have to say goodbye  
Shivers come along with sweats that only stop with a good cry  
Dignity sure does come with a mighty price to pay  
With this family I never had much of a say

I suppose I make too much damn sense  
No real support with too many sitting on the fence  
The world is mine to explore and adore  
I am guilty of wanting more

I do feel like a weight has been lifted from my heart  
Nothing wrong in wanting a new start  
I can see now I am too much of a threat  
Not my fault everyone I know back there is wet

Funny thing is I don't really mind being hung out to dry  
I know too much information to ask why  
I am looking forward to the next chapter in my life  
Nice to be away from folks who insist on twisting the knife

No reason to feel sad  
Staying round them will have me go mad  
God has always had my back  
HE has always led me on the right track

I AM AN ADDICT

Time came for me to be under examination  
Frightening business this rehabilitation  
They certainly did rock my foundation  
Understanding now I needed a brand-new civilization

Hate to say it but it is true I am an addict  
Temptation surrounds me and I so need to restrict  
Done pretty good but always something that needs to be kicked  
There is a recklessness but even a stronger will that I must inflict

Always felt dreadful and flawed  
So many have abused and at least clawed  
Definitely have to remove yourself from those that gnawed  
Learning to love myself instead of thinking I am a fraud

Hate to say it but it is true I am an addict  
Temptation surrounds me and I so need to restrict  
Done pretty good but always something that needs to be kicked  
There is a recklessness but even a stronger will that I must inflict

Sad that I looked at myself as such a loser  
Distracted myself so often into things being a user  
Guilty as charged is my plea to my accusers  
Will work hard now to stop being an abuser

Hate to say it but it is true I am an addict...

FAILURE

Failure is a part of life and there is no way around it. Nobody wins at everything. Successful people will tell you that they have failed many times before they excelled. How do these people bounce back from adversity where others go into a shell? I think it is having a true belief in your abilities and more importantly yourself. They will not be denied.

Elite people use setbacks as motivation. The more someone tells them they don't have what it takes the more they are on a mission to prove you wrong. Michael Jordan was cut from his high school basketball team. I know it is hard to believe, but it is true. Michael practiced and practiced and came roaring back the next year and the rest is history. He naturally felt the sting of not making the team. The choice of persevering was obviously the right decision, but was it something within him or how he was reared? I believe it was probably a combination of the two.

People who learn to quit anything from failure or from a fear of failure is a learned behavior. Parents of these people are quitters. Unfortunately, they have never blossomed in reaching any form of resilience to overcome the pitfalls of life to teach their children the importance of not quitting when the going gets tough. The going is just as tough for people who you think have it much easier than you.

Nothing falls nicely from a tree straight unto our laps. The ones who win just want something more and are not satisfied with the initial assessment. Retreating from adversity should never be an option, but it so the way for very many of us.

Surrendering is extremely short-sighted. What do you think the coach who cut Jordan in high school was thinking when he saw him try out again the next year? I will tell you that he saw was character and resolve. The coach knew that even if Jordan didn't make the team the second time around at least he could hang his head high, because he gave it his all. Michael laid it on the line and the day he stepped back on the court after being cut was probably the turning point of his young life. Jordan showed a lot of courage, because he essentially took his fear and threw it away or better, yet he wasn't going to let it control him. I am sure he had an element of self-doubt which is only to be expected with what happened the first time around, but he persevered anyway.

There are so many that miss the point or message of courage. Courage is being afraid but doing what you need to do with being scared out of your mind. We can all play the easy or safe card, but are we really being true to ourselves?

I know someone who is upset about the lack of interest his money is making with the savings account he chose through his bank. He truly believes that the interest from the ultra-conservative fund should generate above average returns. My friend doesn't want any risk through more risky investments like equities or emerging markets but wants essentially more money. I suggested putting his money into something that over time would generate the wealth he was looking for. He understood my reasoning, but basically doesn't have the courage to roll the dice and give it a go.

The person that is prepared to have the stomach to go with the roller-coaster ride of investing in the stock market has more courage than the individual who wants to play it safe with a fund that doesn't really do anything. You can take $5000 and invest that money into equities and in twenty years you will have made a decent return on your money.

My friend is terrified that he would lose his initial investment of $5000 when the market is in a downturn so therefore refuses to even try. The $5000 in his savings account will more than likely not keep in check with inflation. The purchasing power of $5000 will be significantly reduced, because he chose the wrong fund to grow his money. The person who invested wisely not only wins financially but boosts his self-esteem for showing courage.

The same can be said for children who are bullied. The easy thing to do is to try and avoid the bully by taking another route to school or attempting to befriend him. The key here is to find the courage from somewhere. The bully knows that you have just taken the long way home, or you boarded the earlier bus. The bully will make your life a living hell even more, because he really doesn't have any respect for you especially since you have not showed any courage whatsoever. You have failed with your thinking and inaction.

Everyone who advised you to not have it out with the bully also failed you. The bully has your number and running away is not the answer. I mentioned earlier about being short-sighted. The thinking could be to play it safe, but there will be repercussions. You will always know that you did nothing and that is an awful tough pill to swallow. I understand now that it doesn't matter what happens in a physical confrontation with a bully. You might get your head kicked in, but that is ok. The reason why it is ok is that at least you showed courage for standing up to this kid once and for all. You might even surprise yourself and get a few blows in there. I can guarantee that the bullying will stop, because respect has been rewarded.

#

BLOWING A GASKET

You have more than likely been denied your anger, because of your upbringing. You were also taught to keep your comments and opinions to yourself. Your caretakers made excuses for their bad behavior and then eventually you began to make excuses for them.

You probably trusted people who manipulated and took advantage of your sincerity and made you feel that you were to blame in all cases. The sad point was when everyone became more important than you. The real tragedy that stems from just these things manifest in ammunition for some people who you will meet in your life. Many people you will encounter will try to exploit and search for your vulnerabilities so they can set up camp against you. They are always looking for a way in and if you haven't set up proper boundaries you are like putty in their hands.

You are not ready to do battle with these types of people, because it goes against everything you have been taught. You either come across too aggressive or too placid and no one is taking you seriously. You may think by "blowing a gasket" that you are getting your point of view across. The tormentors realize that they have you right where they want you, because of your hysteria and know you will go back to old ways once you calm down.

You can be a very natural placid type and instead of it being appreciated you will fall prey to being treated disrespectfully, because you let them, and it is too easy for them to not treat you this way. You can safeguard yourself by limiting involvement with these types of people. There is nothing wrong with you except that you lack a good defense.

**Try and forgive these people, because they choose not to care or are incapable of giving you what you deserve and that is love.  
**

#

I DESERVE MORE

I look across at my husband who has drifted off in his chair  
My homework has piled up and the house needs repair  
The kids are angry and still trying hard to find their way  
Welcome to my world and I have something to say

I work all the hours under the sun as a head nurse  
Crazy there is no money every time I open my purse  
My old man has worked only a handful of times this year  
He refused school and it was up to me to get this family in gear

We have been together forever, but the romance is dead  
He can't be bothered and would rather watch the game instead  
I make excuses for him, but I don't think it really matters at all  
Anniversary was ignored when we were supposed to have a ball

My son has now developed a sexist attitude that is hard to take  
He also bosses me around which really takes the cake  
This apple didn't fall far from the tree  
My husband encourages him placing all the blame on me

My daughter is attracted to the same type of guy I was at her age  
I can see why she would find him appealing and all-the-rage  
I don't have the courage to stand and put up a fight  
I am so taken advantage of and disrespected which isn't right

Naturally I want better, but I don't feel I deserve more  
Hate myself and that is what I feel at my core  
Therapy is needed and I will have to give it a try  
God will help me as he does every time, I need a cry

I HAVE FLED

You can only take so much from people after a while  
I could be waiting a lifetime for them to reconcile  
Ain't no fun being someone's punching bag  
Jokes been on me for too long and I am tired of the gag  
Been told I don't measure up by people who were supposed to care  
Just want to run and keep on running far away from here

Sick of the crap I have been fed  
So much out there and if you need me, I have fled  
The problem is theirs because I am not the one raising my fist  
For some reason abusing me is something they can't resist

I refuse to take it out on me, but I need a good release  
All I really want is to be left alone with some peace  
Been told I don't measure up by people who were supposed to care  
Just want to run and keep on running far away from here

Sick of the crap I have been fed  
So much out there and if you need me, I have fled  
Nobody has the right to disrespect you  
You are not to blame even when their rage comes out of the blue

Remove yourself even when they make it easy for you to stay  
Always love yourself and search for a better way

Been told I don't measure up by people who were supposed to care...

I KNOW YOU HURT

You have been through a lot and it's not fair  
You didn't ask for any of this and nobody seems to care  
You feel very alone in your thoughts and your emotions are numb  
You must be careful before you do something very dumb

Taking it out on yourself or others seems to give a sense of relief  
You might have made a choice to turn your back on your belief  
Feeling withdrawn and alienated is what happens being in pain  
The storms are here and all you see is endless rain

I know things will improve for you in time, but you don't know that  
Hating yourself doesn't help thinking you are too thin or too fat  
There are a lot of reasons to have hope  
Abusing yourself with alcohol and drugs will not help you cope

You may question people's sincerity about how you feel  
Turning inward so you can avoid support will not help you heal  
You have it within you to change your mind-set and grow  
Perhaps it is time to give the negatives a rest when you are low

There is plenty of help available if you are looking for a new start  
Speaking to God will help very much if you need a heart to heart  
You can always go for a healthy run or a nice long walk  
Write down every time you criticize yourself with negative talk

Remove yourself from people who insist on twisting the knife  
Work hard at recovery and try to enjoy YOUR LIFE

I STOOD UP

I stood up for myself today  
I never crossed the line like that before  
My nerves were working overtime  
I laid it all on the line  
I was hoping for a breakthrough  
Today I stare at an empty e-mail account

Once again, I am alone  
I am the one who got help  
I keep thinking one day it will be different  
My feelings don't matter to them  
I know I am supposed to move on  
I guess I feel disappointed now

I am proud I said what I said  
I am no longer the scapegoat or the whipping boy  
I know I am too much of a threat  
I am becoming too well and strong  
The family doesn't do feelings  
I do know that

I tried anyway  
They will probably think once again I lost the plot  
I know that I can feel even better  
I have come such a long way  
I have so much to be proud of  
I will embrace the ones who do care

I will wipe away my tears  
I stood up for myself today

INNER PEACE

Will live my life now with out of the red and into the black  
I refuse to place myself under any attack  
Not interested in picking up anyone's slack  
Just want to feel the warm sun on my back

The world is mine to appreciate and adore  
Worrying about others is such a chore  
Getting in touch with me is what I want to explore  
Just like the birds above I need to soar

The time is to stop the journey on this train  
Want to walk carefully now searching for new terrain  
Loving myself and not looking for anyone to detain  
Feels wonderful to be free of annoying pain

The world is mine to appreciate and adore  
Worrying about others is such a chore  
Getting in touch with me is what I want to explore  
Just like the birds above I need to soar

Been a long time coming to finally be free  
Paid enough dues in life but this inner peace requires no fee  
Think there is a spot for me to rest close to the sea  
Thank you so much my Lord for looking after me

The world is mine to appreciate and adore...

JULIE

The rain has been relentless causing many a puddle  
So tired of being in such a painful muddle  
My gorgeous sister is getting ready for school  
Doubt if she knows how kids can be so incredibly cruel

Feel dad is looking at me with such intense hate  
Wonder if mom is also growing tired of my weight?  
Grades are slipping failing yet another test  
Wish everyone would lay off and give me a rest

My name is Julie and I don't like myself very much  
Haven't really been the same since the unwanted touch  
Keeping the secret to myself has so been so very hard  
Miss the days where people thought I was quite a card

Must admit I never liked him and never was a fan  
Taking it out on me was not really in my plan  
Used to be happy and not so full of rage  
Feel also like a bird that won't fly out of its cage

Read enough help and perhaps I should indeed tell  
Realize I can't keep being under his spell  
Want to speak to someone but it is a question of trust  
How would I feel if the secret came out and there was a bust?

Guess I really do need to talk  
Getting this off my chest would be ideal even if he did walk  
Normal existence is all what I crave  
Sadly, I now must dig deep and be brave

HAPPINESS

Happiness to me is feeling really content in my own company.  
Happiness to me is being able to have the self-confidence to try new things without the self-doubt which can prevent me from trying.  
Happiness to me is removing myself from people and things that are no good for me without feeling needy and guilty.  
Happiness to me is telling myself that "I LOVE YOU" every day.  
Happiness to me is having a newfound respect for myself which has been sorely missing for the bulk of my life.  
Happiness to me is moving forward on days where it would be so easy to go back to old self-destructive ways.  
Happiness to me is being the biggest fan to myself.  
Happiness to me is being able to think for myself without seeking approval and validation from others.  
Happiness to me is trusting my own instincts even when it will not go down very well with others.  
Happiness to me is giving myself credit for how well I am doing even if I have a few hiccups along the way.  
Happiness to me is having the courage to admit that I have a problem with things and people.  
Happiness is having the strength to keep tackling the pain from the past even when the shame is too much.

I am very happy now, because I am having a fantastic new relationship with God which has been so incredibly missed.

JUST A LITTLE INTIMACY

Been in a shell for a very long time now  
Afraid to come out and scared to learn how  
Trust was broken long ago by people who were supposed to care  
Want to get close to someone, but all I feel is fear

The thought of intimacy is romantic and true  
Exposing my soul is not what I do  
I always play it safe never revealing much at all  
Layers of hurt are there and the order might just be too tall

Someone special wants to be told how much they mean  
I understand, but I am wired to run away from that scene  
Love is full of wonderful emotions and it can provide quite a jolt  
Sadly, my response to deep connection is to simply bolt

Had meaningless relationships where it was casual with a lover  
The thought of sharing then would have me run for cover  
Sick of me and my "keep people at arm's length" game  
Must now take a chance and stop being so lame

See and read about deep love between a couple and I cry  
What is their secret and were they also frightened to try?  
I will try hard in getting this dreadful pain off my chest  
Whatever I must do is the plan to put it all to rest

My way doesn't work, and I am tired of always being in a moan  
I want to share me and not because I hate being alone  
I realize I will then be in unfamiliar territory, but it is a must  
Coming away from my mask really is just learning to trust

KEEPING ME OFF GUARD

Mark said I was no longer his best friend  
Stunned because I didn't see it coming  
Wasn't prepared for the abandonment card  
Just like my family, keeping me off guard  
Never learnt to walk before I was running

Chris and Tim seem to have bonded quite well  
Horrible feeling when you are the odd one out  
Easy to look at the floor instead of the door  
Even now the memories can still feel raw  
Difficult to see the sun when you focus on the lone cloud

What happens when you are pushed away before you are ready?  
All I know is that the ship isn't very steady  
Can see why the dream is to find that rock  
Still the gallant knight can't turn back the clock

Joanne broke up with me in the bar we met  
Once again, I wasn't sure what I did wrong  
Little did I know she was tapping into my vulnerabilities  
And here I thought I was clever with covering up my insecurities  
Sad when the same record keeps getting played for too long

The great thing was that my gallant knight finally arrived  
So foreign it was for me to come first  
Build quite an arsenal of fear I could tell you  
Somehow my knight was able to break on through  
And it's amazing how one person can quench your thirst

Living apart from horrible people looks great on paper  
Trust me they will certainly test your circuit breaker  
Still you will stumble, my friend, but just keep going  
Believe in your partner and the Lord above who is all knowing

KNOWLEDGE IS POWER

They say that I must accept that my needs will never be met  
I know it is crazy but at times I still want to place a bet  
I have sacrificed and made myself look a fool  
Thinking you care knowing you never saw anything I did at school  
You used and tossed me aside when I got too old  
Abandonment would be certain if I ever told  
I am grown now and understand I need to just forget  
I do and say all the rights things but deep down I feel a reject

You continue to hurt and have everyone fooled but me  
Your parents were bad, but the apple didn't fall far from the tree  
The guilt and shame are not my fault they say  
My identity suffered especially wondering if I was straight or gay

I hate being so needy now and I must stop taking your bait  
You interfered so much and sabotaged anyone who was a mate  
The good thing is that knowledge is power  
Staying in denial and in your company makes me cower

Nobody would believe me because you would make sure of that  
Keeping up appearances is the norm, but I want to step up to bat  
I realize you want to upset me because you are so full of rage  
I get it but now I must think of me at this stage

You will pass away one day, and I will probably just cry  
The madness will be over and perhaps my tears will eventually dry  
I know how I was raised and subjected to was just wrong  
Trusting and believing in God will forever keep me strong

LEFT IN THE VAULT

Years have passed but it still feels funny when I look back  
Certainly, was so off track  
My body acts like it was yesterday  
Pain resurfaces alone or on holiday

I have spoken of the dreaded shame  
Makes no sense now because I am in a different frame  
Been told I haven't grieved enough  
There always seems to be more of this stuff

Negative mind-set must stop  
Bad habits I must drop  
Nothing can be done about the past  
Thought the spell had been lifted that was cast

So much already had transpired  
Obviously, more work is required  
Sometimes I still feel like that scared kid  
Yeah, that's me the one who ran and hid

Always had a look like I saw a ghost  
Gulped when I heard what was diagnosed  
Layers of pain had to be studied and sorted out  
Much time was spent on low self-esteem and doubt

Incredible sobbing helped so much  
Received lovely support with a warm touch  
Bounced back and I am in a different place  
Love that I have God's grace

Understood eventually that none of it was my fault  
Just wish there wasn't still some left in the vault

LET IT GO

Met an old man from the neighborhood the other day  
He was standing in the bank getting his pay  
Asked me how long it has been since I smiled  
Puzzled then he grabbed my arm and said, "Let it go, child"

Tried to downplay what was said but then came more  
"Son, I am telling you let it go and leave it at the door"  
Admitted lately there has been some stress  
"Go on home and let it go with that duress"

Held the door for him as we made our way to the main road  
He was so easy to talk with and then I started to unload  
"That is why you just have to let it go"  
Wanted to know if he had ever been low?

"I was down and out, but that junk just messes up your mind"  
He went on and said that he was tired of being in a bind  
"Told myself to let it go and focus on living"  
Arrived at my car when I asked what he thought about forgiving

"Let it go especially with mistakes you have made"  
I laughed when I told him sometimes, I really am afraid  
"Got to let it go, friend, because being scared is a part of life"  
Felt better and realized not everyone wants to twist the knife

"God has your back and never ever forget that"  
Gave a warm hug and thanked him for such a lovely chat  
Drove home with tears streaming down my face  
More than a coincidence that I was to meet him in this place

Mind is now clear, and I felt an inner glow  
So much peace when you just let it go

HAS TO STOP

Please don't criticize yourself when you look in the mirror.  
I know it has been a habit, but it must stop.  
You can exhaust yourself with listing all the negatives.  
What good really comes from it?  
So, you hate yourself along with your face and weight.  
Loving yourself will be a fresh start.  
I know people have made you feel this low.  
Don't give them the satisfaction by agreeing with them.  
You are all you have in this crazy mad world.  
Try and shrug off the crap and keep your chin up.  
People love winners who rise from adversity.  
List the beautiful qualities you possess.  
Don't tell me there aren't things you like.  
I know you have been hurt and it wasn't right.  
There could be a dark cloud above them as we speak.  
Nobody has the right to be so harsh against you.  
You also are not allowed to hate yourself.  
Try and be an inspiration to others by stopping today.  
Turn those ugly negatives into positives.  
You may want to cry your eyes out when you do.  
Nothing wrong with that, because you aren't that bad.  
You may have abused drugs and alcohol, but it is a different time.  
Learn to love and forgive yourself.  
God is waiting to use you for great things.  
HE first wants you to know how great and beautiful you are.

You can do this if you believe.

LIFE UNTOLD

The pathways difficult for life untold.  
Controlling parents hindered me to speak.  
Addicted people sadly feel a freak.  
Neurosis deemed opinion by the bold.

Same painful nightmares often feeling cold.  
Regret my denial was never tweaked;  
Abuse most rampant; secrets handcuff weak.  
Upset the running never gathered gold.

With proper therapy your spirits fly.  
The journey promises testing fight or flight,  
You, my friend, need to leave without the loot.

Salvation only option my oh my.  
Solution has heroic mission plight.  
Truth, darling, system needs bizarre reboot.

LIFE

Many folks you just can't work with  
Not on the same page and unmotivated  
Perhaps they were miserable when they were a tot?  
Just know that not everyone fits into a nice slot  
Life doesn't have to be complicated

Makes no sense getting too involved in people's problems  
Somehow you always end up with the bulk  
They do love pointing the finger  
Chaos certainly does linger  
Life is better when you avoid the ones who constantly sulk

Remember you are not responsible for them  
Sure, they will convince you otherwise  
They don't get it that the act is old  
In this card game perhaps, you should fold  
Life would probably improve if you did cut ties

Been around the block way too many times  
Used to always take the bait  
Sucked in and taken for a fool  
Didn't matter to them if it was cruel  
Life is full when you clean your plate

LION'S DEN

Haven't seen my family in a long time  
Many things I do ponder  
Needed so much to get away and have space  
Avoided an early return to save face  
Skeptical if absence does make the heart grow fonder

They are very hard to get along with  
At times I have given up hope  
Tried reaching out and have received a lot of grief  
Most still have an incredible beef  
Bonding has always been a slippery slope

With living apart nothing is different  
Everyone is consumed with small talk  
Certainly no one dare bring up a feeling  
In this family emotions have a ceiling  
Speak freely and they will probably just balk

We are now getting much older  
Usually I wait awhile before I try again  
Get tired of the same old song and dance  
Unfortunately, they will always be in a weird trance  
Guess that's why I stay away from the lion's den

LITTLE DOVE

Crazy what has been going on  
Relationship with family is clearly on the blink  
Usually I end up doing the wrong thing  
They somehow always find a way to clip my wings  
This time gonna stick to what I think

Sad that families must instill control  
All I know it hasn't been easy  
Don't think I have ever been this tested  
Feel much better with being relaxed and rested  
You know winds can be comforting when it is breezy

No good comes from being under their thumb  
Separating has been such an enormous task  
Doing my own thing is kind of remote  
Great things have occurred since I rocked the boat  
Identity is finally coming clearer with removing my mask

Family dysfunction can get on your nerves  
Still not sure why I was chosen by the man above  
Must admit it took a very long time to love me  
Fantastic that I am feeling truly free  
And it's beautiful that HE always loved his little dove

LIVING WITH ME

I have a lot to say so you might want to pull up a seat  
My name is Dolores and probably someone you don't want to meet  
Have done a lot of things that I am not proud of at all  
Terrible start with my alcoholic dad having our back to the wall

Mom was really no better and was so bitter and cold  
I have inherited their nasty personalities, so I'm told  
I am narcissistic, selfish and quite a handful that is extreme  
I really don't like myself and guess you can say that I am just mean

There is a coldness inside of me no question about that  
I vented out on my kids whether they were nice or a brat  
My husband was similar but was no match for my demanding way  
I manipulated, pouted, controlled and bullied every day

We never had any money, but I won't take the blame  
He should have gone back to school and gotten more into the game  
I spent money we didn't have, and he would just shake his head  
Problems came as they do but I always hid away in my bed

I am feared within the family and sit at the highest chair  
None of my kids have any self-esteem, but I don't really care  
Everything has been and will be all about me and it's true  
I am pathetic, because I am full of myself and it is what I do

Years have passed and I am all alone in our home that is a shack  
Husband has died and nobody really wants to pick up the slack  
Don't have any friends who want to know  
Must admit I am really feeling awfully low

I feel abandoned and it is the nearby window I often stare  
Don't look too closely because that is indeed a tear

HOPE FOR YOU

Hope is never giving up on your dreams.  
Hope is awaiting positive news from a surgeon.  
Hope is waiting patiently for someone to come into your business.  
Hope is the person you like feeling the same about you.  
Hope is eagerly waiting for the mailman to deliver your letter of acceptance into the university you desire.  
Hope is your newborn not having any birth defects.  
Hope is that your kids will not get hooked on drugs or alcohol.  
Hope is for your loved ones to have a happy prosperous life.  
Hope is that no one must feel the agony of anxiety and loneliness.  
Hope is that addictions can leave a troubled soul.  
Hope is that you can do a career that is rewarding where you will make a difference in the world.  
Hope is coming home without too many emotional or physical complications from your time in battle.  
Hope is that you can have a spiritual awakening after dismissing the importance of guidance in your life for so long.  
Hope is finding the answers to long overdue problems that will rest your mind and help you heal.  
Hope is that you respect yourself always and learn to say NO.  
Hope is being certain that you can be content in your own company without people and things that bring you down.  
Hope is that you always are a super friend to yourself.

Hope in God is all you have sometimes.

LOOK BEYOND

Can't keep living waiting for the other foot to drop  
Must investigate finding a good way to stop  
So much out there to explore and enjoy  
Shouldn't think everyone is out to destroy

Positivity is the focus of this shift  
Listened enough to inspirational people and now I get their drift  
Everything does fall into place  
Too many times I wish I could appreciate God's grace

Must learn to always treat myself well  
Misfortunes from the past should not keep me in my shell  
Chin up and smile because there is so much to adore  
Nothing wrong in wanting more

Need to buy myself new clothes or something nice like a new car  
Bask in the sun and learn to play golf and see if I can get a par  
The key to a good life is to laugh often with always having fun  
Healthy lifestyle is crucial with a long walk or a good run

Hiding away with being depressed should be an alarm  
Need to share the pain I feel instead of causing myself harm  
Different time now and it makes no sense to live in the past  
Have been so blessed of the terrible spell that was cast

Loneliness is upon me if people are pushed away for a sacrifice  
The Good Lord suffered and died so I could have paradise  
I was lost and now I am found  
Horrendous start but amazing where I am bound

So much has occurred, and I need to think smarter  
Nothing good comes out of being a martyr

LOOKING OVER MY SHOULDER

I hope today will be different from yesterday  
I wonder if it is normal to want to run away  
There seems to be plenty who are not in a shell  
I wonder if people are waiting for them after the bell

I don't know if my nerves will ever calm down  
I wonder why my parents had to choose this town  
I feel like a coward looking for ways to avoid my mess  
Taking the long way home isn't helping my stress

I want to fit in so much and take part  
Not being included and getting teased breaks my heart  
I used to be such a happy kid never causing a fuss  
I now am scared to death to step onto the bus

I try and hide the pain with putting on the right face  
My grades are suffering, and everyone is on my case  
I see some kids painfully thin and others struggle with their weight  
I wonder why there must be so much hate

Getting bullied is a horrible pill to swallow  
I want to fight back but more times I wallow  
I tell myself that I am dealing with the problem at hand  
Self-harming feels right but I realize is not taking a stand

These physical and emotional scars create enormous shame  
I must remind myself I am not the one to blame  
I can get through this  
I know there is bliss

I don't have any proof but hope  
Faith in God and positive people will help me cope

LOST

Billy Mitchell often worried too much about his brother  
Way too many issues with some having to do with their mother  
Gary was very sensitive but so full of rage  
Billy could identify with his pain which put them on the same page

They were close when they were young but not so much now  
Gary's denial was strong where Billy received help to know how  
Gary found comfort in drink and his feelings became numb  
Billy felt one day he would do something incredibly dumb

Gary once had a lot to say but these days he stays in a shell  
So hard it was for Billy to get the guy to please tell  
Gary is married now doing the family thing  
Seems restless as if he wants to run away perhaps taking a fling

Billy has done well but there is one thing he does miss  
Wanting things to be like before than such an ordeal like this  
Gary is too jealous and build up quite a big wall  
Arrangements get made to talk but more times he wanted to stall

Billy confided in his wife who understood her man  
Gary's wife likes that Billy is not in the plan  
Billy kept trying to reach out over the years but finally did quit  
Gary retreated to his darkness not caring his brother was a good fit

MANY A STRAW

Incredible how some people don't have any tact  
They are not sincere and that is a fact  
Dysfunctional as hell like a computer that has been hacked  
Must protect myself when I get attacked

Tired of grasping at many a straw  
Trying too hard in working it out is a character flaw  
Easy target I am and it's me they want to claw  
Need to fight back instead of thinking I should withdraw

The trouble with certain folks is that it is all a clever front  
You think you get along until they are ever so blunt  
They never really surprise because there is always a new stunt  
Be careful when irritation sets in because it's you, they will shunt

Tired of grasping at many a straw  
Trying too hard in working it out is a character flaw  
Easy target I am and it's me they want to claw  
Need to fight back instead of thinking I should withdraw

Learning to let go without giving these people the time of day  
Rather not get involved and let the chips fall where they may  
Must watch my back always and not delay  
Reckon I better ask God for help when I kneel and pray

Tired of grasping at many a straw...

I AM

Many of us have horrendous things we say about ourselves that are simply horrible and no way to build self-esteem. Try and list your special qualities, because it will help you feel better about yourself.

I am a sincere, lovable person  
I am gentle and kind  
I am placid in nature  
I have a sensitivity that is beautiful  
I have a lot of compassion and I cry easily  
I am a very good friend  
I am loyal  
I have a lot of warmth  
I am a fun person  
I don't want to hurt others  
I am naive and childlike at times  
I am dependable  
I am someone you can talk to if you are upset  
I am trustworthy  
I am an extremely hard worker  
I have a sweetness about me that is lovely  
I am blessed

Give it an honest effort in listing your qualities, because you will start to see how wonderful and worthwhile you are.

MANY BENDS

So many times, I wish I could get a grip  
Feel sorry for myself too much being labeled a drip  
Always seem to find myself in such a flap  
Sad to report that I feel I am in a terrible trap

Try to stay calm then panic sets in  
Wish so much I can take life on the chin  
Whenever there is trouble, I run for the hills  
My body feels funny then I reach for the pills

Want to be somebody that can be relied upon  
Should be living in the here and now but I am forgone  
Must admit I usually am all doom and gloom  
Been this way ever since I left the womb

I care too much what people think of me  
Read somewhere it is up to me if I truly want to be free  
Today is a new day to try hard  
I will now place myself in high regard

WOE is me can no longer be used  
Must accept that I was indeed abused  
Many people don't have my best interest at heart  
That is ok because now I can emotionally live apart

This road I traveled was dark with many bends  
Felt all alone without any true friends  
Up to me to get back in life's game  
Got to do some serious work on my shame

The rain has come, and the haze is now clear  
I am now with God who is helping so much with my fear

MISS JENKINS

"Miss Jenkins, may I have a pass?"  
"Very well, but I want to speak to you after class.  
Tracy don't be alarmed please pull up a seat.  
Are you sleeping ok, because you look beat?

Why on earth are you shaking?" asked Tracy's teacher.  
"Shrugging your shoulders, Tracy, tells me something is wrong  
Understand if you don't talk to me but have you tried a preacher?  
Please open up, Tracy, how are you overall getting along?"

Pressure is mounting here I go again  
Pressure is mounting I am so much in a bind  
Pressure is mounting sure could use a friend  
Pressure is mounting I so need to calm my mind

There is so much that indeed needs to be said  
Hate all the junk going around in my head  
Scared to get started, because of what I will reveal  
What will happen next in this ordeal?

Pressure is mounting here I go again  
Pressure is mounting I am so much in a bind  
Pressure is mounting sure could use a friend  
Pressure is mounting I so need to calm my mind

"Tracy, I am concerned deeply about your short attention span.  
Does your mom or dad raise their hand?  
Can you explain the bruise on your arm?  
Tracy, who is causing you this harm?

What is happening to you isn't right.  
I am here when you want to speak of your hurt.  
I knew something is wrong, because you are so bright."

"Miss Jenkins, I am not supposed to speak of the dirt."

MONSTER WITH THE DARK GREEN EYES

Mary Collins refused to give any credit to her younger brother  
Her envy was way too much as the story goes  
Mary missed out on his wonderful life  
She turned on him and ignored his lovely wife  
Perhaps hearing too much good was the reason I suppose

Now Mary was an average looking woman  
She had a mediocre existence but had big dreams  
Mary never went after anything and was quite a complainer  
The brother was her target and she was a nasty campaigner  
Anything to hurt him was the goal and she went to many extremes

Mary was bitter and resentful toward the happy couple  
They tried reaching out, but she pushed them away  
Confusion and hurt led them to think they were to blame  
Happy to report that their bond grew stronger all the same  
Sadly, Mary thought continually punishing them was simply okay

Time came for them to move away and they jumped at the chance  
Mary tried to sabotage the wonderful opportunity  
She made up stories about her sibling telling many lies  
The good wife ignored Mary because she was very wise  
And Mary seriously underestimated their beautiful unity

The latest is that our unique couple is doing just fine  
Mary is still full of resentment and hate  
Unfortunately, Mary couldn't see she played such a horrible hand  
Mary decided that her brother and his wife were indeed banned  
She tirelessly tried to ruin his life but luckily, he didn't take the bait

MR. HYDE

Seem to do alright then they contact me out of the blue  
Here I go again taking my hurt out on you  
Must stop overreacting to the exchange  
Unfortunately, they will never change  
Want desperately at times to even the score  
I must calm down and learn to ignore  
My fault for not taking things in my stride  
Sure, do like Dr. Jekyll better than Mr. Hyde

Can't stand the fact that they get inside my head  
Buttons get deliberately pushed and then I see red  
Such a shame because I am really a nice fellow  
The problem is that I am terribly yellow  
I am not trying to get off the hook  
Character flaw that I am more concerned with how I look  
Really must get off this ride  
Dr. Jekyll is far nicer to deal with than Mr. Hyde

No excuses I have any more for you my dear  
I promise I will deal with my deep-rooted fear  
Couldn't live properly if you decided to leave  
Do know I can improve, and I hope also you believe

We have discussed all the pain in amazing detail  
The blame is all on me when our relationship is stale  
Not your fault that you had what I so wanted  
Beautiful to watch that everyone you knew bonded  
Believe it or not but I am glad you were a happy child  
You turned into a fine woman after the love that was compiled  
Watching you I have nothing but pride  
I am sorry at times you miss Dr. Jekyll when I give you Mr. Hyde

No question we certainly love each other  
I will deal with them especially my mother  
You don't need this on your plate  
I will do what I must do to separate

Seem to do alright when I just focus on us  
Should never throw either of us under the bus  
Yes, my childhood was indeed horrendous  
The difference I have made is nothing short of tremendous  
Seem to do alright then they contact me out of the blue  
Here I go again taking my hurt out on you  
Will now show you the proper love you deserve when you became my bride  
Dr. Jekyll can stay, and I will rid myself of Mr. Hyde

MY TRANQUILITY

Find myself often drifting back into harm's way  
Know better because there is always a price to pay  
I go back for seconds even though I'm full  
These negative people and things do create such a horrible pull  
No real allies there because they are all tarred with the same brush  
The hand they deal is empty and not a Royal Flush  
Really wish I would work more on my vulnerability  
Must stop rejecting any form of tranquility

The road to my happiness is blocked by fear  
Excuses I make are incredible year after year  
Still so needy at my core  
Never could understand why loving me is a chore  
The real shame is that I am better than this  
Just like the Good Lord I am betrayed with a kiss  
Need so much to work on my humility  
Nothing wrong really in wanting tranquility

Wrong choices along with bad decisions are made  
Amazing what you do when you are always afraid  
Must maintain my pace when I am strong out of the gate  
Releasing this anxiety and guilt will indeed help me accelerate

So tired I am of constantly going through it  
The voices saying, I am inferior are what I need to quit  
Not in the here and now with this junk on my mind  
Living with me can be a real bind  
Denial weakens me and I just want to save face  
God please help the one who desperately wants to win the race  
My foundation could use some stability  
Interested now to begin exploring my tranquility

Have accept now that I was abused and battered  
They may not have shown concern but I indeed mattered  
I am more than just a face in the crowd  
Loving myself unconditionally is starting to make me proud

Find myself often now seeing clearer after the rain  
Understand going forward is the key in ridding myself of horrendous pain  
So much had and must be sorted out  
Deep rooted fear can trigger off anyone's doubt

Find myself often drifting back into harm's way  
Know better because there is always a price to pay  
Thinking more of cutting my loses because there is a lack of profitability  
I will because now they don't fit into my idea of tranquility

FORGIVENESS

Forgiveness is a very powerful thing. I often pondered the exact importance of it with my healing. I had so much anger against people who were supposed to be there for me. There are many that will say that I shouldn't point my finger but take on the responsibility myself when things didn't go right for me.

I believe self-responsibility is crucial in adult life, but not so in adolescence. Children are so vulnerable. They are banking their entire existence that their parents or caregivers have a clue in how things are supposed to be. Children need proper guidance with unconditional love. They need to feel wanted and special.

Sexual, physical and emotional abuse will naturally destroy a young one's life. The victim of these crimes will need countless hours of positive support to even have half a chance at a decent life. Recovery can be reached, but it will take an exceptionally strong determined individual to go the distance.

Unfortunately, there are so many that never will know their worth and potential. Drugs and alcohol abuse with filter into their lives and it will be a complete uphill battle to see the finish line.

Parents that offer unconditional love to their children can feel great knowing they did their job when their kid is happy and a success. Success doesn't have to be of monetary value, but of being extremely happy with self-assurance. I know folks that are self-confident and are not afraid of new challenges. Interestingly, they are not the typical driven ambitious types, but are very content to live simple lives with little to no fuss. They decide how their lives will be without peer pressure or on society terms. The beauty is that they are clearly doing their own thing.

You are the captain of your life. The captain of a ship determines the course he or she will take, and everyone will just have to accept that the path they choose will be the best plan. There are so many that are afraid to do anything that may be different from the majority. People are afraid to branch out, because they are always seeking validation and approval from others. The trouble with that scenario is that they are not you and don't know your strengths and weaknesses and besides what is so wrong about your own judgment?

Sound judgment in making an important decision is really a steppingstone that is required to build self-confidence. Life is what you make it. I love this expression, because it is exactly that. Life has endless possibilities if you simply let your guard down and believe things will improve for you. Forgiveness is the backbone of these possibilities.

You don't have to forget what happened to you and you may not even like the tormentor who provided the injustice but forgive the behavior. Abusers vent out because they are miserable, and you are the target. They have a heap of problems and quite frankly are so far removed from anything bliss that it is almost a shame.

I feel strength comes from understanding that you are not to blame, and you are forgiving their horrible behavior. The key here is to note how unhappy they are. You don't have to try and fix them or figure out why they do these callous things but remove yourself as best as you can from their company. Detachment is the gateway to freedom and healing. Detachment helps to be safe to aid with the journey in recovery.

There are so many of that think we must have negative people in our lives. We make excuses for family members and so-called friends, because we are conditioned to believe that we must make the best of it with them. I assumed this was the way and you just had to put up with their bad behavior indefinitely. Courage is what is required to basically tell someone that they are not welcome in your home or even your life. There are just some people you can't work with no matter how hard you try. They simply are just difficult people. I have scratched my head in wonderment attempting to figure out why getting along with one person is effortless, but with another it is essentially not possible. I no longer think anyone must be trapped in the company of anyone that makes them feel miserable.

I must let you know that anger will surface in therapy and it is a very powerful emotion that is needed. Forgiveness will be one of the last things required for a peaceful, fulfilling life. I realize that some people never reach the pinnacle of forgiveness, because of their pain. I struggled with it myself for a very long time.

I assumed I have grieved enough until there was more sobbing and anger. Forgiveness was not in my thoughts, because I wanted revenge. I am a gentle, placid person, but I saw red when I felt the injustices against me. I confronted my family and showed a lot of courage, but probably not a lot of wisdom.

I wanted them to know I was onto them and that there will be penalties for what they did. I was venting and not really in control. I did not assert myself and I came across more like a crazy person with attacking everyone than someone who should be listened to. I had so much pain with bad memories. I was sick of my shame and I knew deep down I was not responsible. The little kid who got beaten up and tormented wanted justice. I was going to provide that justice even if I alienated everyone in the process.

I realized I stepped on many a toe, but anger has a funny way to really cloud your thinking. People thought I was out of order and pulled out all stops to get me to stop. The more I vented out the further away I was from forgiveness.

I am not sure when it was that I began to mellow from my rage, but it did happen. I am sure the more I blossomed as a person along with my physical detachment made quite a difference for me to heal. I will add that self-love played a tremendous part, because, quite frankly, I feel I am much better person than those that I spent considerable time with. There is nothing wrong in praising yourself if the facts are that you certainly wouldn't sink to the level of say your tormentors. You have run yourself down way too much. The time is now to embrace how truly wonderful and special you are.

CHOICES I HAVE

I have the choice to be happy or live in self-pity.  
I have the choice to give credit or be jealous of people.  
I have the choice to be courageous or take the easy way out.  
I have the choice to surround myself with positive people or negative people who will let me down time and time again.  
I have the choice to accept what are facts or live in denial.  
I have the choice to be the best I can be, or I can feel sorry for myself and continue my self-destructing ways.  
I have the choice to work hard at recovery even when it is unbearable, or I could quit when the pain makes me feel ill.  
I have the choice to get a better career that will challenge me instead of working a job that does not stimulate.  
I have the choice to either believe in myself or let my tormenters negative opinions of me rule my life.  
I have the choice to show that a lot of people underestimated me, or I could do nothing and let them be right about me.  
I have the choice to take better care of myself or I could let my abusers continue to disrespect me.  
I have the choice to love myself unconditionally or continue to have negative people and horrendous self-talk dictate my life.

I have the choice to have an incredible love affair with myself or I could live the rest of my life with "IF ONLY I JUST..."

NEED TO TRUST

Sometimes I just don't know  
Not sure where I should go  
Sometimes I wonder where I stand  
Guess I hurt knowing I am not in demand  
Now I feel lost, I also want to see  
So much out there for me to explore  
Need to remove myself from the powers that be

Never broke away from my shell  
Just need to trust I can get well  
You hurt me time and time again  
Should have done something way back when  
My own fault for not putting up a fight  
Guess you felt it was your God given right  
Not looking to blame, I just am clearing my mind  
For someone who can see I sure was blind

Never broke away from my shell  
Just need to trust I can get well  
Spent too much time being low  
Want to see now how far I can grow  
Realized I played a bad hand  
Some people and things I have to band

Now I feel lost, I also want to see  
So much out there for me to explore  
Need to remove myself from the powers that be  
Never broke away from my shell  
Just need to trust I can get well

NO EASY CHORE

Nervousness overcame him as he pulled into the lot  
Don't ever be someone you are not  
Wise words that were spoken by his wife  
He did everything but that his whole life

Sweat trickled down his spine as he opened the door  
Speaking of his pain was not going to be an easy chore  
The kind therapist asked him to fill out a chart  
He was proud of himself that he soon would start

The therapist asked him to please take a seat  
She had a warm smile and came across rather sweet  
Suddenly he apologized saying this was a mistake  
He got up to leave when she said that he wasn't a fake

Startled he asked her what she meant?  
She gently said it was obvious to a certain extent  
Intrigued he then asked what she saw  
I see someone who doesn't love himself, would you agree?

He slowly moved back to his chair  
Sure, I have my moments of utter despair  
Carefully she moved toward him and sat  
She thanked him for sharing that

I really like to focus on your shame  
Guess it is apparent that I always take on the blame  
You are doing ever so well  
Amazing that you could tell

He drove home and spoke to his wife, but became flustered  
She held him and said that he has always cut the mustard

NOT HOW I AM WIRED

Is this some sort of sick game?  
I hear you screaming my name  
They say I am not the one to blame  
I wonder if I will ever be the same

Here you are in yet another fit  
I didn't even provoke you because I did my bit  
Do you just like to hit?  
I do feel I am trapped in a very deep pit

Yes, it appears that is a welt  
I am sure your cold temper will never melt  
Perhaps I could deal with painful words than a belt  
You didn't even react when I described how I felt

Well, I am tired of your way  
Talking to you doesn't keep you at bay  
I don't care and I will have my say  
Being with you is an enormous price to pay

I will be free, but I feel weak  
I spoke out before, but then I became meek  
I need God and HE is whom I will seek  
He will guide me to the highest peak

I will gather the proper support that is required  
It will be a struggle because it is not how I am wired  
I will do whatever it takes even if I am tired  
I will take control of my life and I guarantee you will be fired

NOW

So much confusion in my life  
Not sure I can even tell my wife  
Sadness seems to sweep right in  
Oh, how my mind drifts toward sin

Lately not on fine form  
Avoiding into things seems to be the norm  
Dependency is a tough pill to swallow  
I sure must admit I do wallow

Why now do I still look for a sign?  
Sick of saying everything is fine  
They are no good for you dear boy  
Silent treatment is their favorite toy

What an incredible price to pay  
Just to have my say  
Please just give my mind some rest  
Been awhile since I've been my best

Another day and I am keep looking  
An email, letter or a possible booking  
They have your number dear friend  
Avoiding you is a terrifying trend

Thought just came into my head  
Perhaps I should get away from this incredible dread

OLD MONEY

Everyone wants me to enjoy myself, so they say  
Perhaps being stubborn and a martyr is just my way  
Oh, all the things I'm supposed to do before I die  
Sadly, waiting for the perfect moment is probably a lie

Shame I worked my whole life, yet I refuse to spend  
Sounds to me like the order of business is to simply mend  
So much out there that should be explored  
Nothing good comes from telling everyone that I'm bored

Luckily for me my health is not a concern  
Getting out of my sad mind-set is what I now yearn  
Responsibilities have lessened and the kids are doing well  
I really do need to work on this dreadful spell

Sitting on my money doesn't do me any good  
Why don't I show everyone they have been misunderstood?  
What if book a trip or look at my old car?  
The key for me is to get away even if I don't want to go that far

I need to shut up about the recession and low interest rates  
Just cheer up and plan activities with some of my old mates  
I might feel instantly better... You just wait and see  
I know try new things and don't think I'm too old to ski

I realize loved ones don't like getting on my case  
Life is what they want me to embrace  
Sadly, I am not getting any younger, but I can start now  
I am serious and will now make it my urgent vow

Time to get up and venture down to the bank  
I will press on, because there is plenty still left in this tank

I SO KNOW WHAT IT IS LIKE

I know what it is like to feel all alone and withdrawn.  
I know what it is like to be on the outside looking in.  
I know what it is like to be bullied at home, school and in the workplace with feeling helpless.  
I know what it is like to come home from school and no one cares if you had a good or bad day.  
I know what it is like to be the butt of the joke.  
I know what it is like to have relationships with people and things that are not good for me.  
I know what it is like be intimidated by people.  
I know what it is like to be consumed by negative self-talk.  
I know what is like to not try out for things that would boost my self-esteem, because of a fear of rejection.  
I know what is like to be sexually, physically and emotionally abused without being able to describe how awful it really feels.  
I know what it is like to put on a smile, but really, I just want to burst into tears.

I also know that there is hope, because I am now courageous enough to deal with all the pain and upset. God has watched over and blessed me. HE has given me the strength to rise above the past with guiding me to a newfound inner peace.

ON A LIMB

Time came for young Jimmy to decide  
Was he going to stand up or continue to look the other way?  
Now Jimmy never liked to rock the boat whatsoever  
He didn't take kindly to this new endeavor  
Jimmy started out strong, but something was getting him to sway

Fear was at the root of Jimmy's indecisiveness  
He knew there would be plenty of trouble he could do without  
Jimmy hated confrontation because it put him on edge  
The last thing he wanted was to build a wedge  
When it came to his family young Jimmy was just a lay about

The trouble was that he was so incredibly short-sighted  
Doing what was easy made sense to him  
Jimmy wanted everyone to think he was great  
He certainly was not going to give it to you straight  
Family alienated against him because he wouldn't go out on a limb

Young Jimmy did what he had to do for the quiet life  
Years passed and Jimmy wondered why he was alone  
He tried reaching out on the phone and even wrote many a letter  
People wanted more when suddenly he thought he better  
Jimmy decided to finally speak up instead of being in a moan

Love to tell you it was all a happy ending  
People said it would take some time to adjust  
Jimmy wanted to start all over and do what was right  
Folks felt when the going got tough Jimmy would take flight  
Jimmy wanted fast results, but he first had to earn their trust

OUT FROM THE DARK

So much for the tough to get going  
Back in my shell and it is showing  
Must admit I don't feel that marvelous  
Insecurity is surfacing and once again I am jealous

Can't think of nothing but despair  
Know better than to sit back and compare  
Nothing good comes from being in hiding  
People want to know you are reliable even if you are not providing

Deep down I am so afraid  
Disappearing into my own little world is the card I always played  
Yes, it is true many have and still gun for me  
Wish folks could just let me be

No stranger to those who choose to manipulate  
Done way too much to accommodate  
Horrendous existence which has indeed taken a toll  
Understand fully why I take comfort in my hole

Embarrassed that some had to get on my case  
Hate to say it but they are not off base  
Must find a way out from the dark  
Give things a try without thinking everything is so stark

My lack of coping is just not good enough  
Must take the smooth as well as the rough  
Will do what I must do to get resolved  
Want to show others I am here to be involved

Need to stand up now and seriously leave my cave  
Positive self-talk along with God's help will help me to be brave

OUTSIDE LOOKING IN

School years were difficult  
Felt so many times on the outside looking in  
Always searched for some type of connection  
Irony was that I had a very deep fear of rejection  
Sad, that I never could take much on the chin

Drifted around the hallways of school  
Kept to myself without a friend  
Attitude was wrong with my nose out of joint  
No one cared and wasn't asked really what was my point?  
Can see today how this investment didn't pay a dividend

There was too much turmoil going on at home  
Can't blame myself too much for being a mope  
Wished I just have separated a bit  
Unfortunately, learned ever so quickly how to quit  
Developed addictions thinking it would help me cope

Happy to report many things in my life have changed  
However, when I look back there is tremendous regret  
Opportunities stared me in the face  
Many kids had it rough just wish I wasn't so off base  
Must accept the past but I haven't figured that one out just yet

PERFECT PART

Spoke out and now I feel ever so alone  
Can't be the only one I'm sure?  
Hurt like hell to be rushed off the phone  
How much is someone supposed to endure?  
More concerned about my tone  
Call me when you are straightened out is the lure

Some things just ain't right  
Old ways suggest looking the other way  
Even though the bark is usually worse than the bite  
My neediness is what I want to slay  
History knows I probably won't fight  
Who knows maybe one day all of them will pay?

Fantasies of rescue enter my thoughts and dreams  
Books and seminars promote a fresh start  
With this lot I need special forces teams  
Anxiety sometimes is off the chart  
The only person I can change is myself, so it seems  
Stop engaging may just be the most perfect part

PLEASE NEVER GIVE UP

So many times, you may want to give up hope  
I know it is so much easier to just sit around and mope  
People talk a good game but usually let you down  
I wish it wasn't so but don't pack up just yet and leave town

The dark days will stay if you want them to  
Search for the positives that are here on earth for you  
Pressures of life are here, and I wish they weren't so bad  
Self-harming is not going to stop you from feeling sad

Unfortunately, there are people who want you to fail  
The good news is that there are plenty who want you to prevail  
Some people may want you to surrender and be at their beckon call  
Thankfully trusting God will help you from that terrible fall

Addiction of any kind is designed to make you feel low  
Recovery doesn't happen overnight, and it may seem very slow  
Crying helps ease the pain and your shame  
Getting angry also helps but be careful with assigning blame

I know it was the decent upbringing that you so crave  
You deserve a big pat on the back for being incredibly brave  
Temptation is always there and will give you no rest  
Your willpower will ultimately be a real test

What you had to deal with so far in life is just not right  
God sees everything and will bless you with HIS superior might

LONELINESS IS WHEN

Loneliness is being from a family where you are not allowed to express and talk about your feelings.  
Loneliness is putting on a fake smile, because no one has really shown any interest in you or your problems.  
Loneliness is when you walk home from school by yourself, because there isn't anyone around to go back with.  
Loneliness is sitting in a classroom where everyone knows each other, but you feel like a complete outsider, since you are waiting for someone to break the ice to include you in the group.  
Loneliness is finding comfort in things that are no good for you.  
Loneliness is spending time with people who mistreat you, because somehow their company is less painful than being alone in your shameful thoughts about yourself.  
Loneliness is when you are constantly waiting for people or someone particular to come through for you.  
Loneliness is being excluded by family and so-called friends, because you have pointed out the obvious problems to them.

Loneliness gets easier to deal with when you begin speaking to God and sharing with HIM how miserable you feel.

Loneliness gets much easier to deal with when you reserve your love and feelings for one special friend instead of wasting it on people who do not deserve you or your time.

#

POWER OF BELIEF

Been a long time now since he separated from what he knew  
Many of his family didn't think he would last that long  
Leaving for the unknown created much anxiety  
The pain in his heart was like a very sad song  
They mistreated and indeed had his number  
Shame that his opinion often was influenced by others  
He was so easily dismissed and ignored  
Tried ever so hard to bond especially with his brothers  
So easy, my friend, to get off track in this life  
No good comes logging time with folks who insist on twisting the knife

Now folks outside the family saw something different  
Sure, they saw he was withdrawn but there was indeed a bright spark  
Guess you could say buried deep inside there was potential  
They saw someone who wanted to come away from the dark  
Sadly, something was eating him up that was never discussed  
He would have one step up suddenly he was two steps back  
Such a nice boy who was no trouble to anyone, but no real friends  
No surprise he thought of ways of removing himself from the pack  
So easy, my friend, to get off track in this life  
No good comes logging time with folks who insist on twisting the knife

Hard to maintain balance when someone is always kicking the stool  
People who are supposed to care sure can be cruel  
Things become the distraction when you need relief  
Much can be said about the power of belief  
God sees everything and HE saw enough

The Good Lord blessed him by showing unconditional love  
Something wonderful was indeed underway  
The beautiful sun shined through the dark clouds when he met his new dove  
This wonderful angel was the opposite of him  
She possessed a heart of gold that was well protected by an exterior that was tough  
The family did not like that he was under her wing  
They moved far away, and she never stopped encouraging her diamond in the rough  
So easy, my friend, to get off track in this life  
No good comes logging time with folks who insist on twisting the knife

POWER

Saw a sign the other day that read "Don't ever surrender"  
Could relate with my situation  
Someone always wants to steal your thunder  
By looking at their life there really is no wonder  
Up to me now to build a strong foundation

Look around human nature it is "to one up you"  
Jealousy and envy are here to stay  
So many want to knock you down a peg or two  
Gossip is what they are hungry for and it's you they want to chew  
Important to keep so many at bay

Sadly, they want to see you with your tail between your legs  
Crazy this also applies to folks that are supposed to care  
Sure, don't want to sound so cynical and cold  
Learnt the hard way that family and friends are not gold  
Take what I'm saying and disregard it if you want but beware

Wish it wasn't this way but it's not an ideal world  
All is fine if you don't outshine family or your peers  
Plenty of weeds that surround the beautiful flower  
Don't be surprised that so many want to knock out your power  
Just take a quick look at how well you have done through the years

Try and search for the good ones who love you and allow growth  
Not everyone wants to see you fail  
Many will admire and show respect  
They will speak with you without calling collect  
Remember to hold tight to your dreams and always try to prevail

REACHING OUT

Never was supposed to separate  
Made choices that were indeed bold  
Pay quite a price to be free  
Certainly, has taken a toll on me  
Should never have left so I am told

Life is mapped out if you play it safe  
Watched what happens when you do it their way  
So much loneliness and pain  
What really is there to gain?  
Only one life to embrace at the end of the day

Must admit this has not been easy whatsoever  
Taught to bond regardless if it wasn't right  
Excluded from so many things  
No real support gaining my wings  
Many times, feel like I am not up for the fight

Don't know how to explain this predicament  
Sure, I could go back and play my part  
Anxiety would shift but at what cost?  
With what is on offer my own life would be lost  
Must stay brave even though it weighs heavy on my heart

Reaching out to break the silence makes sense  
Ignored but I refuse the blame  
Time to focus on those who truly care  
Easy to forget who are always there  
Will make certain I always walk away from their horrible game

READY TO GO

Once again, I am having a moment  
Wish I could be a bit more pragmatic  
Find myself always searching for something to worry about  
Should be happy but I choose to pout  
Sorry don't mean to come across so dramatic

Been this way ever since I could remember  
The sun is shining but I focus on the cloud  
Don't give enough attention to things that are nice  
Always gravitate toward a vice  
My negative attitude shouldn't be allowed

Must do something to change this terrible habit  
Happiness starts on the inside  
No one is stopping me from being content  
However, there are some to a certain extent  
My internal pain can no longer be denied

I am now going to start anew  
The project is me  
This time I will ask for assistance  
Ready to go the distance  
Unconditional love is the key

READY TO PEEL

I know you sit alone and feel like a good cry  
So much has happened, and you couldn't bear yet another lie  
Shame you are mistreated by those who can't look you in the eye  
You don't deserve this, and I am sure you have asked why

There is a darkness to people that is so hard to understand  
Easy to make amends if you played a hand  
Sorry it is your face they choose when they kick their sand  
Separate if you must or at least try to loosen up the band

Tomorrow is another day with a new start  
Moving forward will help ease the pain from your heart  
You are not to blame entirely, and they must own their part  
Remember all horses must work together to pull the cart

There is a darkness to people that is so hard to understand  
Easy to make amends if you played a hand  
Sorry it is your face they choose when they kick their sand  
Separate if you must or at least try to loosen up the band

I have faith this will pass, and you will indeed heal  
Sure, I don't know exactly how you feel  
Just know the layers of hurt will ease when you are ready to peel  
All I know whoever became your friend has quite a steal

There is a darkness to people that is so hard to understand...

MOVIN' ON NOW

My past is so hard to talk about without getting terribly upset. I have searched for a time when I was a kid when things weren't so bad, but damn do I struggle. Every time I try to make sense and think perhaps, I am making a big deal about things the truth comes back ever so frightening. I usually come up with yet another excuse when I should be focusing on putting it to rest.

The facts are there and I barely escaped without doing something unthinkable. My tormentors wanted and still want to ruin me. I am a good person and I tell myself that when another episode of guilt and shame keeps me awake at night. I got slammed when I was a kid and I didn't stand a chance. The abuse was rampant which led me to be just as abusive to myself.

I am rocked by the past at times by horrible memories. I have a hard time enjoying myself and I know every time I don't find happiness; I am letting them win. I am not here looking for sympathy, because courage is what I am interested in. I am attempting for the first time in my life to live my life without any addictions and the pain is simply awful, but I am utterly determined to get through this. I am trying desperately to feel my emotions and the tears keep coming and I know deep down it is helping.

They certainly did mess me up, but through all this I have been blessed. I have been given someone from the Good Lord that has changed my life. She has wiped many a tear and instilled self-esteem that has transformed my life. The pain is there, but I am making progress.

Therapy is the single most difficult thing I have ever encountered. Learning to love myself unconditionally looks great on paper, but damn it sure is difficult. I must tell myself every day that I love myself. I am finally understanding the importance of movin' on.

#

RECLAIMING LIFE

Obstacles I embraced under duress.  
Opinion always matters, darling, see  
Forgive yourself and others is the key.  
Reclaiming life, sweetheart, transforms your stress.

No worries over others happiness.  
Acceptance that some people can't agree.  
Continual no price to pay for me  
And healing many lonely times in mess.

Absurd for missing something that is shit.  
No question troubled adult children pout.  
Friend, viewing grey clouds is forever stark.

Some crazy people can't work out one bit.  
There's always time to challenge any self-doubt,  
And finally relax and simply park.

REFLECTION

The albums I am looking at tell quite a story  
So much has occurred that it brings a tear  
Contact with some have broken and some remain  
Questions have been raised but I can't really explain  
Life does pass us by and not everyone wants to share

Another wedding and a funeral we are expected to attend  
These family and friends gather for a reason  
People do and say all the right things  
How many genuinely do stuff without any strings?  
Wonder if they are around during the regular season?

Some people say you are lucky to have one friend in this life  
Find myself now that I am older asking "what is it all about?"  
Guess I am indeed caught up in reflection  
Wouldn't be surprised if many stood up and said objection  
So grateful to have you and it would be a struggle without

You have been the inspiration I have searched for  
The sun is now upon our face and the wind is at our back  
We have been through so much and we found out who we can trust  
Accepted things as they are and sometimes had to adjust  
Shame that blood is absent, and others had to pick up the slack

Incredible how trying to bond with someone is like pulling teeth  
Past conflicts will chill anyone to the bone  
Attempts have been made to mend the painful heart  
Sadly, no one will admit they have played a part  
No wonder they say you can't get blood out of a stone

RELEASE

Everything now has come to a head  
So tired of living with this dread  
My toxicity can indeed spread  
I must better myself with everything I have read

Stupid to keep using or looking for junk  
Sure, in hell ain't gonna help getting drunk  
Can't hideaway like some lonely monk  
Must do anything to release this funk

Placid child who never wanted to leave my play pen  
Hurt myself time and time again  
Understand it is about now and not back then  
Find a new path instead of venturing to the lion's den

Stupid to keep using or looking for junk  
Sure, in hell ain't gonna help getting drunk  
Can't hideaway like some lonely monk  
Must do anything to release this funk

Denial in me is strong but I must keep going  
There is hope because my need to abuse is slowing  
Inner strength is woken and at times is flowing  
Time to turn it over to God who is all knowing

Stupid to keep using or looking for junk...

RELEASING THE STEAM

Windows down, music blaring, driving recklessly on the 405  
Man, it feels great to be alive  
California weather and landscape can revive  
Haven't felt this way in a long-time home on the drive

Singing out loud with letting out many a scream  
Other motorists would say he lost it so it would seem  
No real reason to look at it in any extreme  
Don't worry about me just finally releasing the steam

Quickly changing lanes with increasing my speed  
Keep this up any longer and I will be busted guaranteed  
Guilty as charged would be my plea, yes sir, indeed  
Just love the fact that I finally am freed

Singing out loud with letting out many a scream  
Other motorists would say he lost it so it would seem  
No real reason to look at it in any extreme  
Don't worry about me just finally releasing the steam

Been a long time for certain no question about that  
Fantastic feeling coming down from the fence I normally sat  
Ready to move ahead and I look forward to the chat  
Life is wonderful when you step up to bat

Singing out loud with letting out many a scream...

REMOVING MYSELF

Don't you just hate the ones that creep?  
You call them out when suddenly they leap  
Pretending you don't exist without ever hearing a peep  
Quite sure they would like me to weep  
Removing myself from them will be one benefit I will reap

Sick of excuses and the usual I forgot  
Many don't fit into any useful slot  
Must study them hard with connecting many a dot  
Watch, listen and most importantly jot  
Removing myself will help and may indeed be my best shot

Realize I shouldn't have such terrible rage  
Some folks love to rattle my cage  
Gut instinct has always been a good gauge  
Understand that I must forgive at some stage  
Removing myself will show everyone isn't on the same page

Everyone has dark days  
Easy to get caught up in a complicated maize  
Gave them the benefit of the doubt thinking it was a phase  
I must protect myself against those who have their funny ways  
Removing myself is the key if there will be endless haze

NOT EVERYTHING IS ABOUT YOU

You may need someone to cater to you where they have no life.  
You may need someone to abandon their existence for you.  
You may need someone to be at your beckon call.  
You may need to control someone, so they are miserable.  
You may need to suffocate someone so they can't breathe.  
You may need to manipulate someone where they are vulnerable.  
You may need someone to constantly baby you.  
You may need to sabotage some one's relationship out of jealousy.  
You may need to have someone walk on eggshells around you.  
You may need someone to always look the other way and make excuses for your appalling behavior with your ongoing problems.  
You may need to lash out sexually, physically and emotionally against someone where they are now frightened and withdrawn.

The Great thing is not everything is about YOU!

I need to accept that I am not responsible for you.  
I need to understand I was not put on this earth to be your slave, crutch, jester, enabler, rock, lapdog, caretaker and scapegoat.  
I may have done this for a long time, but I can now forgive myself and attempt to find healthier avenues to explore, because I owe it to me to move on and be happy in this life whether you agree.

I am scared, because my identity has been formed this way, out of abuse, but I am determined to try and change one step at a time.

RESENTMENT

So many suffer with strong resentment  
Jealousy and envy seem like they are here to stay  
Being the target is very hard  
Must stay on guard  
Always feel like there is a price to pay

Having success is wonderful  
Shame that many choose to ignore  
Doors that once were open are now closed  
They don't like feeling exposed  
Sadly, they liked you much better before

Truth is that it will only get worse  
The better you do there will be more perks  
Must develop quite a thick skin  
Try and take the negative reaction on the chin  
Find some new friends and stay away from the jerks

Never downplay what you have  
You have worked hard and don't need anyone who wants to pluck  
Their time may never come  
Perhaps they need to beat a different drum  
Congratulations, my friend, for the gold that you have struck

REWRITE YOUR BOOK

You have cried out with so many screams  
People are always up to so many schemes  
Pain is here to stay so it seems  
Please friend never give up on your dreams

You never know what beauty is in store for you  
You never know one day you will have a new song to sing  
You never know that love can help see you through  
You never know what the future will bring

You are an easy read but you can always rewrite your book  
Forgive yourself for all the stuff you took  
Incredible things out there that's easy to overlook  
New day now to cast your hook

You never know what beauty is in store for you  
You never know one day you will have a new song to sing  
You never know that love can help see you through  
You never know what the future will bring

You are not a flash in the pan  
Give negative people and things a well-deserved ban  
Treat yourself kindly in the warm sun working on your tan  
Please always make sure you are your biggest fan

You never know what beauty is in store for you...

RIDING ON THE TRAIL

Always felt dad was too hard on me  
Escaped often on my bike so he would let me be  
Didn't deserve him to unleash all his hate  
Not sure when I returned but it always late

Usually headed for the beautiful woods without fail  
Loved to feel the wind against my face as I rode on the trail  
Didn't care if there was a forceful gale  
Just wanted to get away from this horrible male

Cycled forever enjoying the beautiful view  
Traveled on this trial at night as well as the morning dew  
So many painful memories crossed my mind as I changed gears  
Tried talking to him but everything I said fell on deaf ears

Usually headed for the beautiful woods without fail  
Loved to feel the wind against my face as I rode on the trail  
Didn't care if there was a forceful gale  
Just wanted to get away from this horrible male

I always rested by this lovely tranquil lake  
Question often how much more could I take?  
That is where I might have a cry  
God was a great comfort when I sat alone and stared into the sky

Usually headed for the beautiful woods without fail...

RUNNING IN NO TIME

People should not be rewarded for bad behavior  
Everyone knows what is right and wrong  
No question many play horrible games  
Do you really need me to give their names?  
Don't think this is the group where you belong

Supposed to bond with family regardless  
That is fine if they let you be free  
More times than not there is a heavy price  
Catering is required but you might want to think twice  
Nothing wrong if you feel at times you want to flee

Therapy would be helpful, but they won't attend  
You will be doing this show on your own  
They will think you have lost the plot  
Dealing with what you know and getting well will be a tough spot  
Lots of work ahead for this seed that was sown

Many folks just like doing what they care to do  
Scratched my head enough trying to make sense of it all  
Can't really explain the madness  
Very familiar with the sadness  
Recovery is not a sprint more like a crawl

Nevertheless, you be up and running in no time  
Tomorrow is fine day to start  
Plenty of genuine people along the way you will meet  
You will get through this even though you may receive a lot of heat  
God will show love and lift the heavy burden from your heart

SAVING FACE

Dad, my friend's father threaten me today.  
Said something fucking horrible you see.  
Sons problems escalated now I must pay.  
Shrugged even sighed without concern for me.

Admit I simply struggle saving face.  
Dad, really unfortunate Iraq?  
Here I go staring out in endless space.  
Put out the raging fires under attack.

Same painful memories from bottom bunk.  
Not everyone hurts innocent like this.  
Beloved, years dammit, sorting out the junk.  
Dad, wonderful kind people never dis.

So ever grateful wife is my reward.  
Dad, miracle occurred with thy award.

PERSEVERANCE

I must admit initially I didn't see the benefit of therapy at all, because I felt terrible. Perseverance is the answer with therapy. There were so many times I wanted to quit getting well, because I was sick to death of the information I had and the endless pain of a lost childhood. I wanted it to all go away if that was even possible. I hated that Anne broke me down and I told tell her this junk. I wanted to go back to old ways along with my comfort zone of the infamous no-talk rule where it seemed safe.

I see now that was just my pain talking. I do understand that you must walk before you can run. I was looking for a quick fix to over twenty-five years of problems and headaches. There was just too much to get through.

My family did everything that you are not supposed to when you are rearing a child. Children need affection and validation that they are indeed loved and cherished. My parents did not love themselves. They were never held and validated with love. My siblings and I didn't have a chance. We received the pain that they received and then some. The sadness is that everybody deeply knows there are problems, but cowardice is what is preventing real change. I have showed incredible strength and guts for attempting to bring order to my life. I have succeeded, but there has been a lot that I have had to deal with.

I addressed many hurts through confrontation. I have been greeted with extreme denial and anger. People know there is a massive dinosaur sitting on the dining room table, but to keep the peace or sanity we all pretend the same table is free of anything.

My parents enforced a harsh punishment for having anger. They scared the hell out of us. The anger must go somewhere. Unfortunately, weaker individuals were the target as well as doors and walls. I was not allowed to discuss my feelings in any way that would benefit me as I was forbidden to share what was happening with strangers.

They planned to attempt to break the will of their children. We were not allowed to speak back. Punishment was severe with spankings and receiving the silent treatment. Nobody ever stood a chance, because my parent's mission was to produce little robots that did as they were told without question. My brothers and sisters did as they were told until they were teenagers then they wanted change. They rebelled by running away and developing substance abuse problems.

Guilt is a major weapon in my family. Guilt trips are the norm and they work, because my family are masters at holding a grudge. Nobody is perfect, but the members in my family truly think their point of view should be honored always. Unfortunately, nobody has rights and that is apparent when someone crosses the line. Amnesty International was set up to give people throughout the world basic human rights, but somehow my family was nowhere to be found when that was passed out.

The key to success in recovery is to search out people who will give you encouragement and support. The people who created your horrible low self-esteem simply must be placed on the back burner and possibly must be let go. You owe it to yourself to venture out for own independence and survival.

Perseverance with staying and finishing therapy is essential. You must give yourself a break if you stumble, but that stumble is there to let you know that you are onto something. There is nothing wrong in having the audacity to want more, but with wanting more you must sail even when the sea is choppy and uncertain.

YES, I HAVE UNDERESTIMATED

I have underestimated the power of addiction.  
I have underestimated the severity of how toxic people can be.  
I have underestimated how quickly I can forget everything I have learned. I must humble myself that the illness and dysfunction is bigger than me.  
I have underestimated that recovery is something that must always be respected and taken seriously. I am playing with fire thinking I can handle people and things that put me in recovery in the first place.  
I have underestimated that people will still find a way in even though I am doing my best to put up boundaries.  
I have underestimated that being bullied is not something that only happens in childhood.  
I have learned the hard way.

I have also underestimated how God has blessed me and that I have been carried more than I have led.

I have also underestimated that having one close friend makes up for an army of so-called friends. I have also underestimated that my path to wholeness will have many bumps in the road, but I shouldn't be discouraged.

I have underestimated that I am still courageous, because I can at least admit that toxic people and things may have my number at times. The good thing is that I am still willing and able to make a difference to myself if I stay focused on what I need to do which ultimately will bring hope.

SERVICES NO LONGER REQUIRED

You were never supposed to leave my side  
I chose you to look after me until the day I died  
Promised the world to you even if I lied  
Did what I had to do making sure your hands were always tied

Will not admit I played a part in what transpired  
Very upset with you that a new life was acquired  
You had your chances and your services are no longer required  
My decision is clear you are indeed fired

Manipulation always worked wonders before  
Always pulled you back even when you were offshore  
Don't care that you were a caged bird that wanted to soar  
Grab your stuff because I don't need you anymore

Will not admit I played a part in what transpired  
Very upset with you that a new life was acquired  
You had your chances and your services are no longer required  
My decision is clear you are indeed fired

I understand my actions have taken a toll  
Threw even more dirt when you tried to climb out of your hole  
You tirelessly fought me making it your life's goal  
Had you in jail for life but somehow you found parole

Will not admit I played a part in what transpired...

SHAME AND GRANDIOSITY

Shame and grandiosity are two things I can do without  
Let me explain the two and how it affects me  
Shame says I am the piece of crap on the bottom of my shoe  
Being grandiose says I am better than anything you can do  
I am neither but there is more you just read on and see

Where does it all come from you ask?  
Like a lot of things, you can trace it back to when you were young  
Severe abuse creates low-esteem and shame.  
You feel God awful and take on all the blame  
To be grandiose even if you must lie pretends you are strong

No one wants to feel like damaged goods  
Shame and grandiosity will rule your life and cause much pain  
You are not this horrible person who deserves to feel sore  
You also don't have to be someone else because you are not a bore  
So much going on that it would naturally affect anyone's brain

A lot could be done to stop the two extremes  
Tell yourself that you just perfect as you are  
You are no different from the rest of us  
You have won and lost some but have a lot to discuss  
Therapy is helpful but you may not even have to go that far

Loving yourself really must come first  
What happened to you wasn't right  
Easy to take it out on yourself but please don't go there  
Surround yourself with people who really care  
God will help you when you are low to remain in the fight

SIMPLE AND PURE

Here I am again, friend, searching for the good  
Searching for a while I can assure you  
Stare into their eyes and listen to what they say  
Don't take the bait cause it's you that will pay  
Enough said but I hope it won't get you too

I don't know why people can't be honest  
They get at me for not being sure  
But who needs a false sense of security?  
Read somewhere about folks with integrity  
Seemed honorable to be simple and pure

Learning to keep these types at arm's length  
I'm all that I have  
Getting sucked in with more lies mess me up  
Been this way since I was a pup  
One day my first response will be to just laugh

Admire anyone who immediately roll their eyes  
Can't seem to feed them too much at all  
Suppose their feelings just aren't an open book  
Or maybe they simply told 'em to sling their hook  
Protecting myself will one day be my curtain call

SLIPPED THROUGH THE CRACKS

There is always someone that has slipped through the cracks  
They make excuses for the abuse even though there are the facts  
They are depressed, withdrawn and feel they have no one to tell  
Social anxiety disorder is pure hell

They reach out to unavailable people and always take the bait  
No one cares that they have indeed too much on their plate  
They want to get help and wish someone would show them how  
Their family would say that they are "holier than thou"

They are afraid of therapy and getting their feet wet  
They could start talking then here comes the threat  
Sadly, they will receive even more abuse from the cult  
Tremendous courage is required to win in this result

Life as they know it will never be the same  
"How can you do this to the family?" will be added to the blame  
They will need a ton of support in this ordeal  
Denial will kick in just when they want to keep it real

Guilt is a factor and will take a heavy toll  
The family will work over-time to get them back to their role  
Coming into your own really comes down to their will  
Perseverance is the key which will give them many a chill

Working the proper program will be the right call  
Recovery is within their grasp and they shouldn't stall  
They need to seek out help from quality people and God above  
Anything will be possible for them with HIS unconditional love

SLIPPERY SLOPE

I've finally reached deep down inside and did what felt right  
Yes, there is some sadness with saying goodbye  
Suppose you want to hear about the dirt?  
Not sure it will help going on about my hurt  
Maybe just like them you will paint me off as the bad guy

Honestly, I just wanted a completely different path  
Same scene, same old job, same old friends turned me into a real mope  
Went far enough through the motions  
Never really wanted to cause all the commotions  
Trust me, darling, dealing with any deep pain can be a slippery slope

Good to see I now have your undivided attention  
Still not sure, what really do I mean?  
Tried expressing myself but the reply was that I simply lost the plot  
And of course, I don't appreciate what I got  
So much trouble comes when you try to come clean

Silly, to think some people will eventually come around  
I know, I know you made your bed so lie in it  
Just hold on super tight cause a lot of hate they will spew  
At the end of the day, sweetheart, you just must live with you  
Sometimes there are a lot of thing in life you just must quit

Honestly, I just wanted a completely different path  
Same scene, same old job, same old friends turned me into a real mope  
Went far enough through the motions  
Never really wanted to cause all the commotions  
Trust me, darling, dealing with any deep pain can be a slippery slope

SEVERE SELF-DOUBT

Self-doubt tells you not to even try at something, but you will never be able to see what you can achieve.  
Self-doubt tells you that you don't stand a chance with a promotion, but you must put yourself forward to build confidence.  
Self-doubt tells you that no one will take you seriously if you voice your opinion, but that is how respect is formed.  
Self-doubt tells you that everyone is better than you, but that is not true, and that mind-set will stop you every time.  
Self-doubt tells you not to go after a better partner, because they are out of your league, but he/she might just say yes.  
Self-doubt tells you that you will never lose weight, but with the right encouragement of course you can.  
Self-doubt tells you that you are not bright enough for school, but perhaps you had a rough start and now you ready to give it a go.  
Self-doubt tells you that you are not capable of getting away from people or things that are no good for you, but you can be strong.  
Self-doubt tells you that your negative self-image is correct, but that is where you need the most work.

Self-doubt tells you not to believe in God, but HE has never doubted or not believed in you, because HE doesn't make mistakes.

#

SO, IT'S TRUE

So, its true people have trampled all over your foundation  
Today is the day to stop seeking approval and validation  
Try and protect yourself from any violation  
Just want you to love yourself now and for the duration

So, its true people have pulled the wool over your eyes  
Trust the fact what comes out of their mouths are probably lies  
The gestures might look sincere but are just a disguise  
Remember all they are trying to do with you is get a rise

So, it's true when times are tough you hide away in your shell  
Depression sure in hell is a nasty spell  
Work hard in always answering the bell  
Unconditional love will help tremendously in getting well

So, it's true you are a sucker for a sob story  
Ever wonder for a moment that these folks want to steal your glory?  
They do want to ruin you and all your territory  
Protecting yourself against them is mandatory

So, it's true that you have always suffered with the past  
I know the endless episodes were vast  
Remember you are winning now and not coming in last  
May have lost more than you won but you never were outclassed

SO

So, you are a little neurotic  
Doesn't make you psychotic  
So, sometimes you don't have a clue  
Still no reason to be blue

So, you suffer a bit with doubt  
You would be surprised with what you can live without  
So, you don't like your looks or your weight  
Life would be better if you didn't hate

So, an issue of yours is your low self-esteem  
Perhaps you took one too many for the team  
So, you abused yourself or did drugs  
Plenty of healthy support who will give you hugs

So, you think others are better and you don't stand a chance  
Loving yourself will be the start of a wonderful romance  
So, you had a horrible start  
Therapy will help ease the pain from your heart

So, you feel like a lost cause  
To start with you can always press pause  
So, many still run you down  
You can ask them to stop if not then feel free to leave town

So, at times you feel you are going mad  
Always remember you aren't that bad  
So, you don't like where you are headed or your job  
Go with your instincts and nothing wrong having a good sob

So, many told you lies which made you cry  
Remove yourself from any abuse and give your own life a try

SOME FAMILY MEMBERS

Sibling rivalry is alive and well  
Getting along has always been a tough sell  
At times I wonder if it has always been the case?  
The truth of the matter is we never had a happy base

Mom and dad played each one of us off another  
No good comes with that if you want to know your sister or brother  
They should have taught us to bond through thick and thin  
Turning on one of your own must be sin

Trying to get along now is a real tall order  
Lines are drawn with nobody wanting to cross the border  
Speaking to any member is ridiculously hard  
Writing down feelings comes easier in a card

Doing well for yourself creates more separation  
Abandonment of any kind can lead to terrible desperation  
If you are struggling some may like it that way  
They could feel superior and can now give you the time of day

With families there is so much to discuss  
Just remember nobody has the right to throw you under the bus  
Look after yourself and try not to force things  
You can grow without anyone clipping your wings

Some people are fortunate to have siblings who genuinely care  
Please don't be jealous, just shed a tear  
There are plenty of people who don't want you to feel blue  
They may not be related but they simply just love you

SOMETHING'S GOT TO GIVE

Feel alone in my thoughts  
Desperate to hold it together  
Going to try and get better  
Wish it wasn't so hard  
Need to play a different card

Something's got to give  
This is no way to live  
Can't keep it at bay  
Must find another way

Don't understand people whatsoever  
All would be fine if I stayed a door mat  
They shouldn't turn on me just like that  
Everything must be an ordeal  
Venting out is just keeping it real

Something's got to give  
This is no way to live  
Can't keep it at bay  
Must find another way

Time to pick up the pieces and move on  
Better people out there  
Way too much pain hanging around here  
Looking forward to a fresh start  
Much work needs to be done for my aching heart

Something's got to give ...

SOMETIMES

I realize all this therapy is supposed to help my pain  
I get oh so tired of trying to explain  
There must be a different way  
Yes, I still feel lousy and it is another day

I am not really in the mood to talk  
Too much in my head and I don't want to go for a walk  
I know I am not alone, but it is not helping right now  
I am jealous of people who seem to know how

Was their pain just as awful as what I feel?  
I am tired of this crap and I just want to heal  
People dumping on me and it is not fair  
Real nice way to show that you care

I have done quite a bit of work but then I get stuck  
I must admit there are times I want to pass the buck  
I must dig deeper to get well  
I know I must rise and answer that bell

I know abusing myself is so wrong  
I wish I could be strong  
Deep down I know that this mood will pass  
Even though I feel weak right now I have shown a lot of class

I have come on leaps and bounds from where I was in the past  
I will deal with this negative mood because it will not last  
Funny enough, I feel a bit better now and my head is clear  
I guess I do have what it takes to deal with my fear

SELF-ACCEPTANCE

Self-acceptance is the key to a wonderful life. How many of us fully accept ourselves just as we are? I think what happens is many folks like certain qualities about themselves and reject others. You could be blessed with a gorgeous pair of beautiful eyes that really are quite stunning, but the focus will be on your nose that really isn't what you would like. There was probably some jerk from way back when who made a rude comment about your nose and now it has convinced you that there was something wrong with it.

We are all our worst critics. I know it is difficult for many of us to look in the mirror and not find fault with our physical appearance. We can be downright vicious. How many of us truly give love to ourselves? You could have a field day picking holes with your so-called physical flaws and then it will be your lack of intelligence which will be next on the list. What does bashing you really achieve? I know it is an ugly habit, but it really must go.

Every time you run yourself down you are essentially letting every nasty person define who you are. You didn't wake up one day hating you. There was someone who probably had obvious physical flaws preaching obscenities about you. I always laugh, because the person with the big ears is picking holes with the kid with the big nose. Who decided that this kid's opinion means anything anyway? You shouldn't have given the time of day to him, but for some crazy reason, he succeeded in setting up your insecurity, because you listened to him. I know it is hard to ignore emotional abuse especially if it is a constant in your life, but you are beautiful and always have been.

You may not be an oil painting, but you are also not an ugly duckling. You may not be an Einstein, but you are also not the dumbest individual to walk this earth. People will try and convince you otherwise, but none of is true. You are somewhere in the middle and that is where the word average comes into it. There is nothing wrong with average, because it brings piece of mind. The piece of mind of average is the proof that there is nothing at all wrong with you.

There isn't a human being that is great at everything. You could be a whiz at say mathematics but can't for the life of you draw a stick figure. The same person who is very artistic that you are in awe of perhaps can't balance their checkbook. You really aren't that bad regardless of what someone might have said.

Many of us are overweight. There is no point in being so self-critical. I realize some of us may have some type of medical condition, but if we were being honest the reason for packing on the pounds is through comfort and laziness. I love to eat. I turned to food when I was having a tough time of it way back in 7th grade. I devoured many a bag of Cheetos. I felt better as I ate, because for those minutes it took to get through the bag of Cheetos, I didn't have to look at the school bullies who led me here. The trouble with that it became habitual and naturally it made me gain weight. The irony was that I hated being singled out at school and here I am now giving them ammunition with being overweight.

The fat jokes would come, and they would sting. I had a choice to reject the bullies or reject myself and unfortunately, I chose the latter. I ran to comfort food because I let some kids tell me a whole bunch of untruths. They didn't really know me and what it was like to be me.

I think it is imperative to understand that even if someone is speaking some truths doesn't give them the green light to upset you. Where is their compassion and empathy? People who bully do not possess either of these two beautiful qualities, because if they did, they certainly wouldn't be in the game of bullying. You may be a just an average person in accordance with society, but that doesn't mean you can't think you are terrific. Love yourself unconditionally. The next time you walk past the mirror tell yourself that you love and accept yourself unconditionally.

You may not be able to do this exercise initially, but if you devote half the time to caring about you as you spent running yourself down then you will be successful. You may find that tears come streaming down but that is ok, because you are grieving. You have been through a lot of things and the bulk of it was unnecessary. You were given a raw deal and been subjected to things and people who let you down way too many times.

You can regroup. Encouragement and self-love will work wonders in your life. You can be better and do anything that you want within your abilities. People have bounced back from terrible things that left them mentally and physically damaged. The will of these folks is incredible. Many have beat cancer. Many have learned to live with physical handicaps to lead very productive lives. Would they like that they never had cancer or became physically challenged? The answer is of course yes, but they took their misfortunes and decided that they will not be beat. They are the inspiration for millions. The stories they tell will break your heart.

The trouble with rejecting yourself on any extreme is that it exposes your vulnerabilities and it takes away how fantastic you really are. For example, you may have a very nice job that pays well in a good company, but you are introverted which causes you to be self-critical when it comes time for promotion. The new job may pay more, but you must lead a team where you must be vocal and assertive. You could beat yourself up with trying to be someone you are not by attempting to convince yourself that the new job would be suitable.

Why not just remain where you are? There is nothing wrong in not wanting something that doesn't really fit in well with how you are as a person. I know many folks who are in positions or even careers that doesn't coincide with their strengths and personality. They do the work but are stressed most of the time and are generally unfulfilled.

Self-acceptance of you really is what is missing. Society tells us to be ambitious and extroverted with a take no prisoner's type of persona. I know there are people like this, but the bulk of us are not like this and nor do we truly aspire to be like this.

Society also tells us that there must be something wrong with us if we don't want this for ourselves. I believe that each one of us know essentially what makes us unique. We all can't be the same. Communities around the world are full of people with various talents that make the community function. Everyone must bring something to the table, because not one person can do everything. Leaders are needed within the community, but the backbone will be the regular folks. The community works very well when the members are in positions that best suit them.

Unfortunately, many of us attempt very unsuccessfully to be someone we are not. There are some people who simply know who they are, and they find employment that quite frankly makes sense. Once I knew a man who was very confrontational. He was always standing up for others when there was an injustice. Many of his close friends called him "The Protector" because he constantly stuck his neck out for others who couldn't defend themselves very well. I was not at all surprised when he wanted to be a police officer.

The same could be said about someone who is a natural to work with children. They are kind-hearted and sincere. The ideal vocation would be to be a schoolteacher or something similar. I met a cognitive behavior therapist who was a genuine nice person who wanted to help. I do believe Mike was where he belonged, and it reflected in his work. I told him at the end of our sessions that I believed therapy fit him like a glove.

I think certain professions require a certain personality. Mike wouldn't make a very good police officer, because he is too gentle. The police officer I mentioned earlier probably wouldn't make a great healer, because he may be too aggressive.

Most of us hate our jobs, because we are not in the correct line of work. There is a void that is empty. People log the hours and do good work, but long for quitting time and their next day off. The pay in your job could be adequate, but what is missing is passion. Passion with your chosen career will ultimately make you feel that that work isn't a hardship.

People make excuses for the reason why they stay in a career where they are unhappy. I have heard from folks that it pays the bills and it is too late for them to retrain. Obviously, they feel trapped in their fate. The energy they use to run down their life could be used differently.

We all have hobbies and interests that we would rather do than our present job. Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could make a living doing something that we are passionate about? I know you are thinking that is fine and dandy, but I have a mortgage to pay and two kids to look after.

Nothing is impossible. We all have the same twenty-four- hour clock. Many folks who dramatically altered their lives worked at their hobby or idea with very little sleep or money. They devoted enormous time and effort to their project, and they stayed with it even when they faced rejection. You really have nothing to lose. You were going to work at the job you despise anyway so why not try something on the side?

There are so many that don't want to try, because they think whatever they want to do won't work, but what if it did? Thomas Edison stated that he never failed anything. He famously said he found a thousand things that didn't work. You could spend an hour every day working on your interest and eventually there will be a good result.

Exercise comes to mind. One hour a day doing some type of cardiovascular activity will pay you terrific benefits in no time at all. Discipline is needed and we all have an hour to try. Why don't we then? I think most of us want something for nothing if we were being honest. Old habits must go in order to have the life that will make you happy and content.

I would like you to make a vow that today you will cherish, love and accept yourself unconditionally.

#

STRUGGLE FOR ME

Codependency has been a major struggle for me. I wish I could be truly emotionally free and not concern myself with people who are not concerned with me. I kid myself at times thinking if I just remove myself physically, I can live independently without being preoccupied with them. I try hard, but it is like I am being weighed down by tremendous guilt and my own neediness.

I know I have gotten better, but when I feel abandoned and neglected, I tend to forget everything I have learned, and I then reach out to the same people who will ultimately abuse me even more. I must work harder to stop going around in circles.

I know all my problems and addictions have come from being raised the wrong way. I know my depressions, insomnia, denial, social anxiety, and general lack of coping skills is not my fault. I need to remind myself of that every day.

I know I must give myself a break, because I am not being a friend to myself when my codependency acts up and I let these bastards win. WOE is me is not an option. I do love myself enough to find the strength to cope better when I get low. I also will continue to fight this horrible condition, because nothing I hate more is the feeling that anyone got the better of me.

STARTING OVER

Lost my faith many years ago when I was down and out  
Must admit I questioned God because I had so much doubt  
Way too much sadness and hurt on my heart  
Felt sorry for myself and didn't think I played a part

Told enough people who were selling that I didn't want to buy  
Luckily, I was given someone who stared me right into the eye  
Scolded me by saying God never left and I should give life a try  
Starting over is beautiful instead of wanting to die

People come and go, and things will never be the same  
When there is pain doesn't mean you have to take on the blame  
You can always have regret and live in the past  
Starting over is wonderful and the feeling will indeed last

Told enough people who were selling that I didn't want to buy  
Luckily, I was given someone who stared me right into the eye  
Scolded me by saying God never left and I should give life a try  
Starting over is beautiful instead of wanting to die

The choice is yours in how you look at your life  
Negativity and abuse in the world is rife  
You could continue to moan or put up a fight  
Simply just ask God and HE will keep you in HIS sight

Told enough people who were selling that I didn't want to buy...

STOP YOUR RAMBLING

Joey was asked if he wanted Lisa's blood?  
She was sarcastic, because he was always going through the mud  
Lisa begged him to nip his problems in the bud  
Joey, every time it rains doesn't mean you will have a flood

You really must stop your rambling  
All the negative stuff from the past needs slinging  
Let go of people and things you are clinging  
Times are different and you really should be singing

Joey was always going through it  
He constantly belittled himself even saying he was a hypocrite  
Lisa was his number one fan and didn't like it one bit  
She joked showing her wrists pretending they were slit

You really must stop your rambling  
All the negative stuff from the past needs slinging  
Let go of people and things you are clinging  
Times are different and you really should be singing

Joey and Lisa really were a terrific match  
She was a super friend who provided many a patch  
Lisa said everything would be better if he would just detach  
Joey finally understood he needed to work on another batch

You really must stop your rambling...

STRANGER NEAR THE SEA

I was walking along the promenade  
I see a man who had too much to drink  
He was slurring his words not making any sense  
He yelled out to me and suddenly I became tense  
I asked him what he wanted, and he said he was on the brink

I asked him to sit down on a nearby bench  
He looked tired and could do with a shave  
He told me his name was Fred and that he had a rough start  
I could tell right away he had a good heart  
He needed bus money and that is what I gave

Fred said no one he knows can be bothered  
I asked him what did he mean?  
Tears rolled down his cheeks as he said he was just so lost  
Losing his job and then his spouse came at a terrible cost  
Suddenly he apologized and was embarrassed for making a scene

Fred reflected more on his life and I was moved  
He was somebody to be reckoned before this ordeal was cast  
Fred volunteered and did his bit in the Navy  
He laughed and said believe it or not he once was savvy  
Fred stood up and I could tell felt bad for going on about his past

I asked him if there was anything I could do  
Fred thanked me for my time and asked me my name  
He said that he would wait for the next bus  
I was happy when he said he wasn't going to cause any fuss  
Fred left me and winked saying that he had to get back in the game

STUCK IN RUT

When upbringing was troubling, I just cry,  
With same old same old morning into night.  
Some progress made then suddenly lose sight.  
Addiction problems struggling my oh my.

And I want somebody to rectify,  
Oh, fuck yeah, my folks difficult all right  
And I sure can use God's amazing might.  
Good life not easy as a piece of pie.

Again, the elephants remain on view.  
Friend, people like some things are long in tooth.  
And I'm so sick of being stuck in rut.

Offloading clearly is good thing for you.  
Once robbed doing better finding truth.  
Oh, please unleash the fear to kick their butt.

SUCH A GRIND

Kind of embarrassed to admit what is up with me  
Haven't seen my story in anything I have ever read  
My name is Jeffrey and I need someone to tell  
I'm a middle-aged guy doing overall well  
Yet struggle with separation anxiety that plays up inside my head

Let me tell you a bit more of myself  
I'm a sensitive soul who has been dumped on quite a bit  
Met a lovely woman who changed my life  
She helped me to heal and has been a terrific friend and wife  
My family of origin wants me to give up what I have and quit

Perhaps I should be a bit more specific  
Done wonders having dealt with a horrendous start  
Their interference is what we have battled  
My wife works tirelessly when I get rattled  
Must keep fighting this pain in my heart

Deep down I can't seem to accept the way they truly are  
Probably doesn't help that my in-laws are beautiful and kind  
Constant guilt trips I get with someone always playing a game  
Hard for me to focus when it occurs, and I take on the blame  
Trying to work it out with them has been such a grind

Truth is I have tried ending contact all together  
Sometimes I succeed then I get anxious and so off track  
I can't for the life of me understand this ordeal.  
I must accept I never had my needs met and to just keep it real  
I know GOD and my family here have got my back

SOME PEOPLE

Don't worry when horrible people are talking about you, because they are giving someone else a break.

If jealous people don't want you around take comfort, because you must be doing something right.

Some envious people can't stand it if you are doing better than they are, but please don't stop succeeding.

There are people who try and make you feel guilty, because they are miserable.

I know it is hard, but please do your best to ignore them.

Please don't reward people with your time who constantly disrespect you.

You have no control over someone's emotions and that is why you are not responsible for how they feel.

You, my friend, are a diamond in the rough and never ever forget that regardless what someone might have told you.

TALK IS INDEED CHEAP

My mind-set is all wrong  
Once again, I struggle so hard to get along  
Here I am promising you even more lies  
I certainly don't deserve you as my prize

You need so much more  
I claim I want love then I choose to ignore  
My love for you, believe it or not, is profound and deep  
Time for me to prove it, because talk is indeed cheap

You have been more than a friend from the start  
Knew straight away I could never live apart  
You tackled an enormous amount of my hurt  
Lovingly you showed me I was not responsible for the dirt

So sorry, my love, for getting off track  
Not your fault for the courage I lack  
Way too many times I should have uttered at least a peep  
I am prepared to show you now, because talk is indeed cheap

You are someone to behold  
So, impressed how with pressure you never fold  
Happy that you don't belittle me when I am in a flap  
Thanks for helping me when I find myself in yet another scrap

Sometimes I feel I don't have what it takes to keep shining  
I have so much now yet I spend my time whining  
Naturally you lose your patience with me  
Loving myself unconditionally would be a very helpful key

Want so hard to put the past to rest  
Wish I wouldn't feel I will keep failing the test  
I do feel much better after a good weep  
Need to step up now, because talk is indeed cheap

I do love the time we spend together  
My thoughts change more than the weather  
Sorry for the times I took you for granted  
Time is now to uproot the weeds that were planted

My mind-set can improve  
Love to get into a comfortable groove  
Thank you so much for staying by my side  
I know now you are helping me, and they lied

My mind-set is all wrong  
Once again, I struggle so hard to get along  
So much love you gave me that I will now reap  
I will rise for the pair of us, because talk is indeed cheap

TEN FEET AWAY

Pitched my tent on a beautiful fall night  
Desperately wanted to be alone with no one in sight  
Settled in quickly after unloading my jeep  
Closed my eyes and fell into a deep sleep

I awoke in the middle of my dream  
Ventured outside and sat near a stream  
Visions of neglect made me cry  
All I could think of was why?

Looked around and felt ever so chilled  
Reckon I was at the root of why I am so unfulfilled  
Shook my head in disgust  
No wonder I struggle so much with trust

Should have at least fought...  
Suddenly, something broke my chain of thought  
A beautiful deer appeared ten feet away  
Watched for a moment wondering if he was also a stray?

Hoped he had a nice family upon his return  
Silly that I had such concern  
He looked my way and I smiled  
Something was coming over me out here in the wild

Felt it was time I faced my horrendous pain  
So tired of having this on my brain  
Sadly, talking about me is not what I do  
Guess I must stop feeling blue

My friend has now left, and I am alone once again  
Believe the time is now to focus on what happened back then

THE DARKNESS

Here I am again in a familiar spot  
Everything that was learned somehow, I have now forgot  
So much time has passed with me in this spell  
If I am not going to anything about it then why dwell?

The darkness inside me feels like it will never leave  
Just when I am improving it has something else up its sleeve  
I shake my head in frustration and disbelief  
Suppose I better learn how to grieve

Can't seem to enjoy myself for very long  
I take comfort listening to a very sad song  
Been told that I am waiting for the other foot to drop  
Sure, need to find another way to stop

The darkness inside me feels like it will never leave  
Just when I am improving it has something else up its sleeve  
I shake my head in frustration and disbelief  
Suppose I better learn how to grieve

I really don't want to live like this  
Guess a real nice upbringing is what I think of and miss  
Cold reality says you can't miss something you didn't own  
Reckon I need to belt up and stop being in a moan

The darkness inside me feels like it will never leave...

THE LONESOME BARTENDER

My name is George and I have a problem with drink  
I don't hide anywhere because I make myself center stage  
Never really put up a battle and it has affected my life  
Alienated my three lovely kids and lost my wife  
Only comfortable around people on the same page

Used to be a printer and made decent money, but they let me go  
They didn't take too well to me coming in late  
These days I co-own a tavern and I tend bar  
Sleep upstairs which suits me fine, because I don't have to travel far  
I am selfish and it appears I'm not really worried about my fate

Guess there are times where it is awfully lonely  
Nobody to share things with except the results of the game  
See couples in love and they always tip well  
Generally, feel the same emptiness each night when I hit the bell  
Too many mistakes to list and I will take all the blame

I reach out to my ex-wife during the holidays  
She is polite, but always stipulates she needs more  
My eldest has achieved much, but also has a problem with drink  
My youngest hasn't done anything and I have put him on the brink  
Mary didn't want to know when I bowled a perfect 300 score

Suppose I am too much of an addict to ever stop  
Where do people like me go when you don't have what it takes?  
Tried 12 steps, but I need to take a closer look at prevention  
Worried about my health and they keep talking about intervention  
Perhaps there is hope if I make amends and talk of my mistakes

THE WAY I SEE IT

How do you know when you had enough?  
Always refusing to talk going off in a huff  
Some people sure do make it hard to get along  
Crazy when someone won't admit they did any wrong

So willing to meet halfway  
Not sure this could ever be undone  
Shame how easy it is for you to just walkaway  
The way I see it is that I am not the one to blame

See your finger pointing right at me  
Don't appreciate what you have done to my good name  
This could be sorted but you will always bail guarantee  
Such a handful from the start  
Wish that I didn't have such a troubled heart

So willing to meet halfway  
Not sure this could ever be undone  
Shame how easy it is for you to just walkaway  
The way I see it is that I am not the one to blame

Why do you have to be such a bad seed?  
Want to work it out, but I do easily bleed  
The problem lies with me and I need to let go  
Feel that you are lost, and you need to be found  
Can't be waiting forever for you to come around

The way I see it now it's you I must quit

THE ONE TARGETED

You can't for the life of you understand why people feel it is their God given right to dump their misery on you. You might have or continue to be somebody's punching bag, because of their need to release frustrations. You are always the person they find when life is too much for them.

You love to tell yourself that it isn't everyone that is doing this to you, but unfortunately it probably is. You can scratch your head and try to rationalize why you are the one that is always targeted. The truth is more than likely you make it almost too good to pass up. I am not saying this, so it lets them off the hook or to justify their behavior.

They know you won't do anything about it, because you may be too scared to retaliate, or it may not be in your nature. Nonetheless, it isn't right, but what can be done about it? The first thing you must understand that it is not your fault. I know it is easy to blame yourself, because you may feel you are the one that is setting off your abuser, but it is them and not you. Secondly, you have done nothing to deserve anyone to disrespect you with any type of sexual, physical or emotional abuse.

Most importantly, try to reserve your time with people or someone who appreciates you and has you in high regard. If there is no one now, then learn to love your own company by being the most incredible friend to yourself.

The key to remember is that a lot of people are extremely over-rated meaning that you could surround yourself within a group and you can still feel alone and vulnerable.

You are a sensitive, beautiful person that shouldn't be wasted on bullies that don't deserve a wonderful rarity like you.

#

THE WAY TO GO

Turned off at the exit and drove into my old neighborhood  
Had a lot of things on my mind  
Saw that my parents' house looked broken and old  
Had no business coming back here as I was told  
Children were playing near the house in an unkept sandlot  
I upset many and they haven't forgot  
They kept saying we don't know what you are on about

The way to go is never meant to be easy  
Memory lane will suck you back in without a doubt  
Sometimes merry hell needs to be raised with a great shout  
They will threaten and push you right out  
At the end of the day, darling, you have such incredible clout

Took a lot of guts to finally have my say  
Can't change their status que in any kind of way  
There is a reason why I never said a thing  
Pain and abandonment are what they will bring  
Deep down knew I'd have to give it a go  
Sure, I could have done nothing and remained low  
Loving myself finally helped me grow

Nothing is ever pleasant in any kind of separation  
Reflection can be warm, or it can hurt like hell  
Partners and friends will help you get off your ass  
Much truth in this too shall pass  
Just because they don't care that you hurt  
They only liked having you round to kick their dirt  
You, my friend, have shown such unbelievable girt

The way to go is never meant to be easy  
Memory lane will suck you back in without a doubt  
Sometimes merry hell needs to be raised with a great shout  
They will threaten and push you right out  
At the end of the day, darling, you have such incredible clout

THERE ARE DAYS

Another lonely day and I am almost there  
I get up to the door and feel the despair  
Don't know if I could take another blow  
Why do I have to feel this low?

She lets me in and asks how I am but soon returns to bed  
The house is dark, and I am trying to sort out my head  
I sit in a chair and stare at my feet  
The dishes are piled up and nothing really to eat

I am not allowed to express how I feel  
The rules in this home are really a big deal  
I am forced to walk on eggshells, and it makes me weep  
God help me if I wake her from her sleep

He comes home later and whispers to her as I sit in the other room  
I wonder if this is what he had in mind when he became her groom?  
Church is forced yet I am not at all a sinner  
Looks like another night she won't be joining us for dinner

He has taught me to tolerate abuse and look the other way  
I know he is scared but there is nothing I can say  
She is getting worse with no relief in sight  
I want to run deep into the night

I have no control over the madness I saw  
Perhaps things would be different if I told the law  
I am grown now, and he died way too soon  
Luckily, I managed to get away and I am now over the moon

THERE ARE PEOPLE

Some people don't want to help themselves  
Always pointing the finger saying it's not me  
Taking responsibility is not in their code  
Look at them too long and they will tell you to hit the road  
They are bitter enough to sell you out with or without a fee

Trying to work with these people is a waste of time  
You can bend over backwards and it's no good  
They change the rules as they go  
Don't matter if you are a friend or foe  
Their word is as useful as burnt wood

Some people will say you just have to get to know them  
They have been through a lot please give them another turn  
Hang in there because they aren't that cruel  
You stick your neck out and end up being their fool  
Tired of scratching my head saying when will I ever learn?

Anyone who is this difficult is telling you something  
Up to you if there is more to the picture than meets the eye  
I say protect yourself because they will suck the life out of you  
Sounds harsh but serenity is probably long overdue  
Banking on them to do the right thing is really pie in the sky

Plenty of good quality folks you can count on out there  
Many are just lovely like having a wonderful belief  
Way too much energy used to ease their pain  
We too hurt and don't need this on our brain  
Shame we tend to ignore the good ones who don't give us any grief

SUCCESS, JEALOUSY AND SELF-LOVE

There really is no reason to apologize for being successful and clever. Many people downplay their accomplishments, because somebody who has not achieved does not want to hear the latest from you. Why should their feelings be protected just so they feel good about themselves?

They perhaps have not worked as hard as you or they may not be as smart. Laziness could very well be an issue and that is the reason that you have more than them at this stage of your lives. People will automatically say that you are bragging or boasting too much, but that is not true. I believe the non-achievers want everyone to know that is the case, but the truth is that they just want you to stop talking about you.

Always remember that people are not jealous of anyone that hasn't done anything worthwhile in their life. Jealousy is the ultimate compliment, but it is hard to understand jealousy especially if you have never had anyone be jealous of you.

Many will withdraw friendship and even love if they feel you are having too good of a time of it and they are still stuck running around the squirrel cage. You may have your second exotic vacation of the year planned and they may not have gone anywhere in the last three years. The question to ask yourself is that my fault? They will tell you a million reasons why they haven't had an enough break, but they won't tell it like it really is, because they don't have what it takes to change their job or even their lives.

People can change their lives at any moment, but regrettably they choose to complain, because it is easy to do nothing. The secret here is that it takes a whole new mind-set along with determination and guts to make the needed changes in your life if you really are that unhappy.

Divorce is the answer if you are truly that unhappy with your significant other. There are so many of us that remain in relationships that are past their sell by date. The courage involved in telling someone that you want a fresh start when it would be so much easier to just stay in with what you know is impressive. We all know deep down what we want and need, but we lack the self-love which is required for real change.

Self-love does not happen overnight, and it really is a long tedious process. We are not flawed and defective as a person. We only feel this way because some horrible, negative person or persons decided to fix a label to you. The label does not define you even though it is hard to argue when you have countless folks and loved ones who insist on reinforcing this disgusting lie.

We all have so much to bring to the table. I have seen for myself people who were disregarded for some stupid reason who did indeed shed light on a topic that was thought to be over their head. I also have seen supposedly uncoordinated people assemble a flat pack of furniture all by themselves without any help or encouragement. The intellect and talent are there to be explored and brought forward but is usually stifled by horrendous people who can't be bothered to get involved in the shaping of someone's life in a positive way.

The sadness of an ongoing addiction problem is just a slow death as far as I am concerned. I know why people run to these things that are essentially no good for them, but every time you run to the bottle or abuse yourself you are killing you. You want to feel something even if it will ultimately be your ruin. The self-hatred must be given back to the tormentors who hated you before it became your prime identity.

Recovery is always possible, but it will take a tremendous amount of work. There is just so much emotional stuff that is needed to be worked out and studied. The person's life history must be dissected to search for patterns of abuse which can be identified and nourished. Opening up is not going to be easy. Excuses will be made for the offenders and denial will be used continuously. There are so many of us that think we are not important and that we can't possibly make any difference in anyone's life.

Life is a precious gift and should be valued and cherished even if there are people who make things very difficult for you. We are not here and clearly not responsible for anyone's well-being other than our own. I am not referring to the children that you may raise. I often wonder what would have happened if I did have the proper support and guidance when I was young.

Life would have been incredible if my needs were met. I know there is no point in going backwards, but sometimes it is very difficult not to think of the possibilities if the stars were aligned correctly. I feel much better now in my life and I am grateful that I have been given a second chance to really live the way I should have way back when. I know I felt dreadful and my self-esteem was shattered. The part that I struggle with is that I had enormous potential.

Everyone has something they could do well. There isn't anyone that is a complete waste of space. People have a knack for certain things and that knack should be explored and brought to fruition. Encouragement is the key ingredient for anyone's success. The most gifted in any endeavor has needed consistent praise to build confidence until the day when the individual can stand alone with self-assurance. The time will indeed come and when it does tears of joy will fill your heart.

#

LACK ENCOURAGEMENT

You have been through so much unnecessary abuse in your life that you have developed such a horrendous opinion of yourself. People might have called you a loser or a lost cause and you might even think that way of yourself. Because of what you were subjected to you think that everyone has a God given right to abuse you anytime they choose. Have you ever thought that perhaps your family, partner and so-called friends' opinions of you are completely wrong?

You didn't wake up one day and decide to start hating yourself with running yourself down every five minutes. I bet there were teachers, coaches, neighbors, strangers and friends from school that were very fond of you. They may have praised you when you needed a boost and thought you were clever and believed you were someone to be reckoned with. Unfortunately, the support you needed to hear didn't come from your caregivers and the people who were supposed to build your self-esteem. Your pain is real, but it can be eased by accepting that a lot of people lied and underestimated you. You are not this terrible person and a mistake that you label yourself. You just haven't found your way yet and you lack encouragement.

Try hard to love yourself unconditionally which in turn will pave the way to unearth your incredible potential.

#

THING OR TWO

Saw a slogan that said "Garbage in, Garbage out"  
Felt like this growing up without a doubt  
So predictable like a one trick pony  
Kept folks guessing with being an absolute phony

Went along way too much that it became a joke  
If I was an old car, I needed to adjust the choke  
Always kept my cards close to my chest  
Really want now to give this self-loathing a rest

Nike says, "Just Do It!"  
Most people just don't give a shit  
Of course, I wish I gave many people a good smack  
But, friend, not everyone will stab you in the back

It just feels like it once in a while  
Perhaps I can now maybe go the extra mile  
Tell my family a thing or two  
A lot of secrets there, still don't know what to do

Think I need to find some new mates  
Also go to the gym and hit the weights  
Yep, change my career and maybe my looks  
Go back to college and this time open the books

I can also try my luck on the dating scene  
It will be difficult, but I swear I will come clean

THIS FEELING

There was so much pain in my family life  
I struggled to speak of the shame even to my wife  
I didn't even know where to start  
She is easy to talk with and wanted me to open my heart

I was taught to not speak a word or there would be a price to pay  
I feel guilty but there is a lot I want to say  
I am emotional as I recount the fear, I felt  
She comforts me and wipes my tears as I begin to melt

My tone is steady, and I had no idea how much I need to talk  
She suggests it may be easier if we go for a walk  
We stop on a nice bench in a beautiful park  
I am doing well with her sincerity providing the right spark

She is now horrified, and the blank look said it all  
What was I thinking and was this the right call?  
She knew there was madness, but this was too much to take  
I frantically arose and stared out blankly at the calm lake

She reached out and held me ever so tight  
She calmed my nerves and said it was ok I didn't put up a fight  
I wonder if she will ever look at me the same.  
She assures me that I am not the one to blame

Where we go from here is anyone's guess  
I suppose therapy is required to sort out this incredible mess  
I am very lucky to have someone so loving and kind  
I will need her love and support to help with this terrible bind

THIS WAY

Same old gathering with people talking about stuff that don't work  
Supposed to keep quiet and not expose the dirt  
Who put this guy in charge, will someone please confess?  
I think people are too afraid is my only guess

There must be another way than what takes place  
Can't keep looking the other way and I need to save face  
Yeah, there are many who don't want me on their case  
Stop dragging others to your way and perhaps I will give you space

Most people want to be left alone and it's not just me  
Nobody wants to be told how it ought to be  
I see you like hearing yourself talk  
Ever think that these people would rather you just walk?

There must be another way than what takes place  
Can't keep looking the other way and I need to save face  
Yeah, there are many who don't want me on their case  
Stop dragging others to your way and perhaps I will give you space

Life would be much better if people made up their own mind  
Listening to people who don't make any sense is a real grind  
I hope one day more people can listen to their heart  
Thinking for yourself would be a most welcome start

There must be another way than what takes place...

THORN FROM MY SIDE

So much with my family that just isn't right  
They love keeping me hanging by a thread  
Perhaps I should just close the door on the madness  
Tired of always scratching my head  
Working it out with them is definitely a drag  
Yes, it me now waving the white flag  
Wish so much it didn't have to be like this  
Time for me to remove the thorn from my side

I'm in favor and then ignored for no real reason  
Hang around other families and they seem sincere  
Tired of thinking I am the one in the wrong  
Introduce someone new to them and here comes the fear

They certainly love to play games  
Exhausting to have to give out all their names  
Sick of all the petty junk that goes on  
So ready now to remove the thorn from my side

The irony is that they feel everyone else is to blame  
No responsibility and no real clue  
Pointing the finger is oh so natural  
Just want to be left alone away from this crew

My own company will be a fresh start  
Must physically and emotionally live apart  
They have each other and let them get on with it  
God, please help me now to remove the thorn from my side

TIME IS NOW

I look back now and I know we didn't have a good start  
I keep trying though to erase this pain from my heart  
So much happened that was done and said  
I struggle too often to clear my painful head

Time is now for me to move on and love again  
Time is now to look for a better friend  
Time is now to stop the hurt with feeling lost  
Time is now to go forward at any cost

I knew we were in trouble for a long time, but I refused to see  
You pointed the finger and wanted it to be all on me  
Sometimes it is easier to make excuses and take the blame  
Feels good that now I am finally done with this terrible game

Time is now for me to move on and love again  
Time is now to look for a better friend  
Time is now to stop the hurt with feeling lost  
Time is now to go forward at any cost

You know at times; I do feel much regret  
Creating more joy without the headache helps me to forget  
You will move on and someone will take my place  
That is alright because I am beginning to like my own space

Time is now for me to move on and love again...

YOU MAY HAVE LOST FAITH

You may have lost faith in yourself.  
You may have lost faith in dealing with your depression.  
You may have lost faith in people being there for you.  
You may have lost faith in dreaming of something better.  
You may have lost faith in reaching your goals.  
You may have lost faith in basic human kindness.  
You may have lost faith that you will ever get off the squirrel cage.  
You may have lost faith in getting a better job or career.  
You may have lost faith in someone or people very close to you.  
You may have lost faith that things do improve in time.  
You may have lost faith in achieving a well-deserved promotion.  
You may have lost faith that you will not self-harm.  
You may have lost faith that you can beat all your addictions.  
You may have lost faith that you will ever get well in recovery.  
You may have lost faith in God.  
You will undoubtedly have self-doubt at times.  
You have had more experience when things were bad than good for you.  
You have been through a ton of things that don't make any sense and they probably never will.  
Recovery is tough, but so are you.  
You have made it this far and I know you can go further. Give yourself a break and don't expect to run before you can walk.

**Faith in God will help tremendously when the dark days and nights scare you. The sun will eventually shine and so will you.  
**

TIME TO MOVE ON

There are so many people who like to hurt  
I am not sure why they use you to unload their dirt  
You seem like a good friend who deserves more  
People like this really get me sore

They say you bring out the worst in them is not right  
What a coward knowing you won't put up a fight  
I see you putting up with stuff when you are out and about  
Is it any wonder why you suffer so much with your doubt?

Everything about them comes across weak  
I know you are scared, and I know that is why you feel meek  
The thing to remember is that these people want to keep you low  
Your terrible self-esteem won't allow you to grow

Do yourself a favor and move on knowing you did your part  
Removing yourself from their company will be a nice start  
Learn to understand that not everyone is kind  
Trying to sort it out with them will keep you in a bind

Love yourself enough so you don't self-harm  
Wanting to hurt yourself should come as an alarm  
You are a beautiful person who deserves the best  
I hope one day you can put this all this to rest

I know it is hard to separate and go your own way  
God, friends and support will help if you need to stray

TOTAL SURRENDER

Are you ready for a good chinwag?  
Today I am waving the white flag  
This no joke and certainly not a gag  
The way I have been living has become a real drag

You know I always have my knickers in a twist  
Many people and situations I need to resist  
Not going to moan or raise my fist  
Want to live my own life rather than just exist

Must admit I am an overly sensitive soul  
Worry more about others than myself on the whole  
Must learn to communicate properly instead of being a mole  
I will now make total surrender my number one goal

You know I always have my knickers in a twist  
Many people and situations I need to resist  
Not going to moan or raise my fist  
Want to live my own life rather than just exist

Complete honesty really is the key  
Need to do more things just for me  
Learn a new skill or work towards a degree  
I will now put in motion what I need to do in order to be free

You know I always have my knickers in a twist...

TURNING IT OVER

The number of tears shed so far is just incredible  
Utter frustration sets in after I vent and swear  
Acceptance of any kind I choose to ignore  
Wish I didn't struggle enormously like before  
So many things and people to now be aware

My road in life has had many twists and bends  
Make good progress, but suddenly I feel ever so lost  
Still trying to control everything in sight  
God, I need your help, because at times not up for the fight  
Can't go back to yesteryear at any cost

Still feel others will come around in time  
So, convinced of this that I try and hurry it along  
Know what I must do, but then I make excuses and waver  
Can see how this mind-set will keep me out of favor  
Sure, do need to stay strong

Feel awfully alone at times  
Must stop feeling so low  
Do wonder if I have what it takes  
Recklessness is there and I must slam on the brakes  
Yet I am learning these days to take it slow

God, I need your help, because I am now turning it over to you  
Must quit running before I could walk  
Give up taking hostages and let things just come to me instead  
Move along without hanging by a thread  
And with new inner happiness I can stop all my negative talk

UNDER THE BUS

You have always been a good girl or boy  
Family and friends always said you were coy  
There has always been trouble at home and in school  
Getting severely bullied was indeed hurtful and cruel

Parent's might have said to ignore the truth and look the other way  
A lot of good that does with trying to keep it together every day  
They might have said to lie and always keep your mouth shut  
Self-harming came naturally and that is why you probably cut

Abusing yourself is not going to help at all  
A good support system will help better when there is a fall  
You were trained to not talk of the pain you feel  
Talking and grieving will help enormously so you can heal

You may feel worthless with your feelings are all over the place  
I can assure you in time you will have a genuine happy face  
You are hurting now because you have so much to discuss  
Nobody has the right to throw you under the bus

Self-harming of any sort doesn't help the injustice done to you  
Cry if you must and ask God for guidance when you are blue  
You may not like your body, looks and weight  
Learn to love yourself and try hard to get rid of the hate

UNDER THE GUN

As a person I am easily startled  
Guess it has to do with how I was raised  
Way too many times I was attacked  
Has made an impact  
Abuse was the norm and I wasn't often praised

Find myself a lot caught up in fantasy  
Try and make things different from what they are  
So much pain I need to accept  
Always looked the other way and secrets I have kept  
Must comprehend my soul has many a scar

Time is now to deal with old wounds  
Not much good comes on poor reflection  
Just wish I didn't feel so lost  
Must dig deeper at any cost  
Will do what is necessary to have a new direction

Different attitude now and I am in a better place  
Sick of always feeling under the gun  
My biggest enemy now is the person I stare at in the mirror  
Loving myself has made things a lot clearer  
Life really is designed not to torment, but to have fun

TRY NOT TO WORRY

I know I worry about everything imaginable.  
I know worrying doesn't help any situation.  
I know I will worry even when there isn't anything to worry about.  
I know I should wait and see what will happen before I worry.  
I know my worrying sets off others who worry and I am sorry.  
I know I should have a bit more faith that everything will be ok.  
I know I shouldn't worry about things I have no control over.  
I know deep down doomsday is not around the corner.  
I know excessive worrying clouds my judgement.  
I know I am no use to anyone if I keep worrying and take no action.  
I know constantly be worried about others doesn't help them.  
I can and will try and calm my nerves.  
I will use rational thought processes to re-train my worrying mind.  
I will understand I am not responsible for adults.  
I owe it to myself to not let my worrying be a burden.  
I will try and not let my negative worrying stop me from going after important things in life that will benefit me.  
I also must find the strength to keep things in perspective and not over dramatize events, because they may never happen at all.

I must give myself credit that if something did occur that I am more than capable of dealing with it.

UP TO YOU

Dysfunction certainly felt every day.  
Designed to always mold, so be alert.  
Chaotic family will make you pay.  
Required house cleaning ridding out the dirt.

Your life's decisions yet to be aligned.  
The broken car on driveway needs a tow.  
The duty role assigned must be declined.  
And negative dull mind-set must go.

Some people love to vent.  
No pleasing difficult folks ever clear.  
Friend, sabotaging simply thee intent.  
Forget the nonsense, love, and dry the tears.

Vindictive ugly pieces of work sounds right,  
Friend, but don't let the assholes squash your might.

VISION

So tired of feeling like damaged goods  
Can easily see myself running deep into the woods  
I have searched, but nobody here has my back  
All I know is that I need my life to be on the right track

Need to look beyond what is going on here  
Trusting myself doesn't involve a seer  
Beautiful world that needs to be explored  
And I will do what it takes to finally get restored

Could tell you all about my past with incredible precision  
Shed many tears, but now I am more interested in my vision

Patched myself up and I am now ready to get going  
Don't have a master plan, but something inside is glowing

Need to look beyond what is going on here  
Trusting myself doesn't involve a seer  
Beautiful world that needs to be explored  
And I will do what it takes to finally get restored

Life really is about choices and I choose to live  
Way too much pain here and something must give  
Dreams are not reserved for a select few  
God almighty will look after me in my debut

Need to look beyond what is going on here...

WANTING ME TO WILT

Everyone in my family is low  
Their negative moods are so hard to take  
I am extremely sensitive you know  
Wish they can cheer up and give me a break

They drive me crazy when they are depressed  
Folks have commented which has left me down  
Don't think people will ever be impressed  
All I want to do is get out of town

They do like making me responsible  
Hate that I must keep myself in check  
Happiness for them is impossible  
Sick of feeling an emotional wreck

Life is just so wonderful without guilt  
Sad that many are wanting me to wilt

WEAK TREES

What happened to my foundation?  
Certainly, don't care for this sensation  
Everyone turned on me since I spoke  
Is this some kind of sick joke?

In other family's members can have their say  
Storm is coming and will ruin more than just the day  
My relationships are breaking down at an amazing pace  
People have even stopped getting on my case

Suppose I did rock the boat  
Feel chilled now with the lump in my throat  
I have been ostracized when I use to be a gem  
People say I will be better without them

Keep thinking that something could be worked out  
Want to reach out and give them a shout  
Realize now I must calm down and stop being so needy  
Invest in myself and learn to be a bit greedy

They are holding over me the abandonment card  
I must stay strong even when it is so damn hard  
Understand the roots of these trees are weak  
They sure liked me better when I was meek

The truth is I am lovable and adored by many  
They have given me plenty  
Wonderful feeling to have love without restrictions  
Sick of my family and their contradictions

Up to me to finally close the door  
Need to look toward the sky and just soar

SHAME

There comes a time when you must stop feeling sorry for yourself and look at what is really troubling you. I am not talking about superficial wounds. I am referring to the core of you that says that you are a mistake. There are so many words you can choose from and I am sure that you have quite an arsenal to pick from. You may call yourself a loser or a pathetic piece of crap.

The list is endless, and it is the worse pain imaginable especially when you find yourself alone and the dreadful memories come roaring back. Imagine having a deck of cards with each card representing a memory of something that cuts you to the bone. You are now holding the deck of cards and you start bending the cards with your thumb to flick them. Suddenly the voices and images of abuse are tearing you apart and attempting to define who you are as you flick the deck. The painful reminders of insults and failures are there to reconfirm how God awful you feel about you.

The saddest thing is that all you have is you. You may wish that you were never born. You may wish you were born someone else, but the truth is that you are here for a reason. You may not know now what that reason is. But you are not a mistake. You can blame yourself and try to convince yourself that you are indeed all these things, but you are none of them. You know deep down that you were handed a raw deal from your upbringing. You know what really happened along the way that made you start hating yourself. I know it is easier to just blame yourself, but it doesn't help you.

**Please, my friend, don't let others abuse define who YOU are. Take the time to get in touch with the pain, because you will come out the other side where you belong.  
**

WHAT A SHAME

Thank you, Lord for giving me someone who is always there  
She has helped me enormously with my fear  
Listening to me go on and on year after year  
What a shame that I refuse to get my ass in gear

Here I am again, Lord with my back to the wall  
With intimacy I always find a way to stall  
Retreating to my shell is indeed my own call  
What a shame I only speak to you when I fall

The choice is mine to stay or go out the door  
Conditions on love await me if return to what I've known before  
Trying so hard now with intimacy to give more  
What a shame that pain and addiction is rooted at my core

Here I am again Lord with my back to the wall  
With intimacy I always find a way to stall  
Retreating to my shell is indeed my own call  
What a shame I only speak to you when I fall

Please Lord give me the strength to see the light  
There is a darkness inside me that has incredible might  
Love to let go instead of fighting what isn't right  
What a shame for someone who can see that I lost my sight

Here I am again Lord with my back to the wall...

WHAT THE...

Sure, I'm not the only one with this type of madness?  
The kind that creates much sadness  
Who wants to look after their father or mother?  
Encouraged by a sister or brother

Sorry I need a moment  
My whole family is my opponent  
Just because they created enormous shame  
No one's ambition in life should be that lame

Ever get sick of how things are?  
They certainly take things way too far  
No partner, no freedom, no joy  
Just so mom or dad can have some kind of sick toy

Many folks before me have taken the bait  
I know deep down it's not too late  
When they finally are in the ground  
Will I seriously be crowned?

Perhaps they will pin a medal to my chest  
For the lonely bird that never left the nest  
There is so much to take in  
Think I'll throw their life script in the bin

The agenda for me was to never leave  
Being out of denial helps me to grieve

WHAT THEY DID

Don't know about you but I struggle with someone loving me?  
There I said it and I know it's not how it is supposed to be  
The closer my wife gets I want to run far away  
I know it doesn't make any sense at the end of the day  
Really can't stand feeling so vulnerable  
Pray to God one day I can be ever so comfortable  
Abandoned and terribly abused as a kid  
Must never blame myself for what they did

Never thought that highly of me and it is indeed a shame  
Always felt I was on the outside looking in on life's game  
Didn't take long becoming a human punching bag  
Hated that I became a joke and everyone's favorite gag  
Sure, wished I had more of a thick skin  
I lost my way and soon gave up things I was interested in  
Trouble always found me and as usual I ran and hid  
I certainly learned to blame myself for what they did

These people do love to keep me in my shell  
Never was supposed to reveal and tell  
I must admit the fact my needs were never met  
Sadly, I know they will never be required to pay off their debt  
Grateful that I have someone who has been an absolute saint  
She has been remarkable, and I have absolutely no complaint

My wife has gotten me to speak of my dreadful past  
I often question if I can break the spell that was cast?  
Love to say that I always treated her like gold  
Unfortunately, when I am stressed, I can be awfully cold  
My family scolded me for opening my lid  
Here I am once again blaming me for what they did

Intimacy and love are two things I always longed for  
Now that I have them, I head for the door  
I know I don't make any bloody sense  
Must stop making excuses for them at my expense

Don't know about you but I think I am finally getting it  
I will now do what I must do to climb out of my pit  
God and my wonderful wife have my back  
Feel confident I can consistently stay on track  
Still I struggle with someone loving me

There I said it and I know it's not how it is supposed to be  
I am in control of my life and there are things I must now forbid  
I will now accept and forgive them for what they did

LOW SELF-ESTEEM

You may think that most people are better than you. You may feel that you don't measure up. You may feel insecure and intimidated a lot of the times. The truth is that there are smarter and better looking than you. There are people who have an incredible body and receive much attention. There are so academically gifted that quite frankly is mind boggling.

There are also people with enormous wealth that could run circles around you. There are some people who are tremendous athletes and brilliant educators. You should just admire and respect them without running yourself down. You have qualities and assets that are buried underneath your negative self-image that are wonderful. You could spend your time in self-pity running down the guy or girl who apparently has it all. You don't know what they are dealing with.

WOE is me will get you nowhere. You should give credit where credit is due. You should not be preoccupied with someone's achievements, because you don't know for certain what they struggle with. Jealousy and envy are horrible traits to have. They keep you from moving forward and paint an ugly portrait of your character.  
Do you honestly think any famous actor or actress will take a pay cut in their next film, because you don't like the fact, he or she makes 20 million a film? I didn't think so.

Please try and improve your own life without focusing on someone else. You are your own worst enemy, but it doesn't have to be that way. Try hard not to be a nuisance to people who are doing well. Have you ever thought they may like you to get out of your crappy mind-set and do something with purpose?

You are your own worst enemy, my friend. Learn to love yourself and accept your limitations and always remember that you hold the keys to your own happiness.

WHEN RECOVERY IS SLOW

There is no instant cure for the pain you feel  
I wish you didn't have such an ordeal  
Anxiety and depression will cause you to fret  
Feeling worse before you are better can cause regret

Working any program will cause quite a bit of stress  
You can thank your upbringing for such an ugly mess  
You have so much to sort out now that you have grown  
I am sorry for you that so many bad seeds were sown

Some families love to control and smother  
Coming into your own can be sabotaged by your dad or mother  
You know you are not supposed to speak of the dirt  
Therapy is exhausting but you must stick to the work

Please don't play the victim or cheat and want to barter  
You sure in hell won't gain respect for being a martyr  
People may need you to stand up on your own two feet  
Having people admire you for your courage will be the treat

You will stumble and fall before you can walk  
That is ok because getting up and trying will help the negative talk  
I am proud of you for giving recovery your absolute best  
Hang in there because you will in time pass this ultimate test

WHEN YOU ARE LONELY

Saw a young girl walking home alone on a cold day  
Did she choose this, or did she not have a say?  
Seen a lot of folks having lunch by themselves on the job  
Wonder if when they are private do, they sob?

Nobody wants to be excluded from a club  
There is also sadness when you see a patron sitting alone in a pub  
You can feel alone even in a crowd  
Loneliness sure is a dark cloud

Watching a film by yourself isn't any fun  
Perhaps you have been hurt and that is why you shun  
Going on holiday alone to a foreign country is wrong  
Don't see how looking at beautiful sites alone keeps you strong

Relatives' not including you causes hurt  
Understand how loneliness feels like you would trade your shirt  
Some kids are selected last on their team  
No question this doesn't help esteem

Hard to hide the pain at a wedding if you go on your own  
The agony can grip you right to the bone  
Addictions find a way in when you are low  
Therapy should be encouraged to move forward and grow

Loneliness can be dealt with and just be a temporary thing  
Look at it as the sun will appear on the first day of spring  
You can change anything that keeps you down  
Buy yourself a brand-new suit or a beautiful new gown

Dust yourself off because there is a gorgeous person ready to shine  
You just wait and see because God will give you the right sign

WICKED STEW

With my family one thing always leads to another  
Pulling teeth to work it out with them especially my mother  
Trying to get blood out of a stone  
Same as it has always been and no different now that I have grown

Need to venture down a different path  
I shouldn't have so much wrath  
They really are like a wicked stew  
Keep stirring and you will end up with something way overdue

People will say give up since you are flogging a dead horse  
Lots of truth because reaching out makes me worse  
They do have people fooled and put up a good front  
Don't get too close since your dismissal will be brunt

Need to venture down a different path  
I shouldn't have so much wrath  
They really are like a wicked stew  
Keep stirring and you will end up with something way overdue

Walking on eggshells around anyone is no way to live  
I need to move on and try hard to forgive  
Some people just don't care, and it is a harsh reality  
Just try hard to not blame yourself for their abnormalities

Need to venture down a different path...

WILL STOP NOW

The outburst created such an amazing din  
Sweated profusely which irritated my skin  
I was being selected again for their problems to pin  
Took the abuse as usual on the chin  
Will stop now escaping within

My feelings are very much denied  
Many times, I just want to run and hide  
Must admit I have thought of suicide  
Hate there was no comfort every time I cried  
Will stop now focusing on the downside

Can't seem to get the right words out of my throat  
So tired of being their scapegoat  
I sure could use the proper antidote  
Perhaps I do need to rock this boat  
Will stop now belittling myself and I choose me to dote

Time is now to make a stand  
I will be ready if someone raises their hand  
Must deal with any reprimand  
Things may not go as planned  
Will stop now being afraid and my life is what I want to command

WISH I WOULD

Staring out the window from my bed  
Way too much hurt that was said  
Swallowed hard on the stuff I was fed  
So often wanted to be someone else instead  
Wish I would just clear my aching head

Felt low ever since I was a tot  
With my needs sure wasn't given diddly-squat  
Really had to get away from that lot  
My stomach still has many a knot  
Wish I would appreciate more what I got

Inferiority is there at my core  
Trying hard to shake things from before  
Dealing with my shame has indeed been a chore  
No sense in attempting to even the score  
Wish I would just love myself more

What really is my beef?  
I'm sadder that I have so much grief  
Stealing love away has made me a great thief  
Need to search for more relief  
Wish I would take charge now and become chief

CODEPENDENCY WILL DETACH

Codependency can be a thing of your past if you learn to detach and form an identity for yourself. The key is to trust and believe in you. Simply put you are not here to be there for anyone but you. Self-acceptance is loving everything about you even when it hurts. The hurt may be from family and so-called friends who gave you a negative complex. You are unique and wonderful. There is no one quite like you and that is what is awesome.

I do believe in God and I have written about my own experience with how HE has helped me enormously. Try and always keep your chin up when things don't always go to plan.  
Forgiveness is imperative in healing. Forgiveness will help ease your natural anger that you feel especially when you come away from denial and get in touch with your pain. Self-love will help you cope and keep things in perspective.

The going gets tougher the more you delve into the pain from your past. There will be times when everything will get on top of you and you will want to retreat. I know I did, but that is when perseverance must be your mind-set. Self-confidence will grow when you demonstrate the staying power of hanging in there when the waters are not still.

You will improve and that is what is important. One step at a time is a wonderful slogan in therapy. I wish you all the best now and always. You deserve a hell of a lot more than you know.

FOUND SOME FAITH

Gave into my demons my whole life  
Felt sorry for myself and let my abusers win  
Easy to get off course with this difficult life game  
What is crazy is that they did the hurt and I took on the blame  
Done things I rather not tell but let's just say I know about sin

Just when things couldn't get much worse came a breakthrough  
God decided to intervene and lend a hand  
Needed much help with a lot to sort out  
Rejected the guidance because of low self-esteem and doubt  
HE changed my mind-set and taught me about HIS plan

Never had anyone I could say was a friend  
Sure, knew plenty of folks but nobody that wanted to know me  
Taken for granted all the time with do this and that  
Prayed to receive someone who could step up to bat  
God listened and said "You just wait and see"

HE blessed me by teaching me to love myself  
Somehow something that simple didn't ring my bell  
Always thought you needed someone to mend your heart  
HE said that will come if you do your part  
Suppose HE is saying to work hard on me first and get well

Too many things in my life are more than a coincidence  
Things are much better now, and I've achieved lots of things  
Did what was required, and I am indeed healing  
Love did find me, and I can't describe the feeling  
I found some faith and God rewarded me with wings

THEY'RE THE ONES

Dad's name for me was unconscious  
He felt I wasn't in the here and now  
I took his abuse and did nothing at all  
Not exactly true, because I did withdraw  
I'm sure if he saw me now, he would just say wow

Ma believed I would always look after her until she died  
She suffocated me with her obsessive ways  
Couldn't have anyone as a mate  
And, was no concern that I had too much on my plate  
Learnt to ignore and these days more focused on getting some rays

Coming into your own is a lifetime commitment  
Believe me it must be your number one assignment  
So easy to get off track if you don't stick to your guns  
Why did I have problems? I just wanted to point and say "they're the ones"

Siblings are a dysfunctional mess  
Trying to work anything out was just useless  
All they wanted was to maintain the status quo  
None of them could just go with the flow

Been at wars with people cut from the same cloth  
Usually they transferred all their shame onto me  
Yes, I fell into the traditional role of whipping boy  
Just like family thinking I was some kind of sick toy  
What a relief to finally be free

Must find a way, friend, to stay clear from the pack  
Stick around and quickly you will be under attack  
Plan and please stick to it  
Nothing wrong in deciding you simply just want to quit

LONG OVERDUE BOW

Can't even believe how far I've come  
Done way too many things that would be considered dumb  
I know, I know haven't we all?  
It's just that my life was really at a crawl

What do I mean?  
OK, I will stop and just come clean  
My tough upbringing really affected me somehow  
But I was determined that one day I would take a long overdue bow

Laws against what went on at home  
Found things to distract and that is where I did roam  
Thieves in the night with or without my consent  
As you can imagine school years just came and went

Time came for me to finally leave the madness  
Codependency drags you right back creating much sadness  
I've fought back with having many a row  
And I knew one day I would take a long overdue bow

Disturbed parents attempted to mold me into what would suit them  
No life whatsoever just a garment with a real solid hem  
Sisters and brothers would do their grunt work to see if I crack  
Getting brownie points was essential and it also got them off their back

My path has had obstacles that no person deserves  
Escaped within with everyone on my nerves  
Abuse of all kinds tore away at me  
Had no idea how much I needed to be free

Might get a monkey off my back but the circus never really left town  
Sadly, they always referred to me as some kind of clown  
Going to try and look forward now  
Flustered, but maybe one day I will take that long overdue bow

Suddenly, one day everything dramatically changed  
My normal boring existence was totally rearranged  
God decided that HE saw enough  
The Lord sent someone to love me who was kind and tough

Well, let's just say all hell broke loose  
Anyone disrespecting me would be cooked like an unfortunate goose  
Everyone wanted things to go back like before  
Many people and things were shown the door

I was being guided toward a much better life  
This lovely lady even now still loves being my wife  
I promised her I would do my very best which remains my vow  
And guess what... today I took my long overdue bow

VICTORY LAP

Been awhile now being on my own  
Guess you can say I can take my victory lap  
Man, there was so much turmoil  
Sort of like the flower bed that has crap soil  
Hard to be around anyone when you never know when they might snap

Life these days is nothing like it was before  
Always felt on the outside looking in  
Tried too hard to be a part of something that wasn't any good  
Had to get away from it all including the neighborhood  
I know they all believe my reasons were thin

Worked very hard now to have some peace  
Rolled up my sleeves, showed some guts and rolled the dice  
Somehow with much help I landed on my feet  
Sounds like a cliché, but I just went down a different street  
Everything paid off, man, and it was worth the sacrifice

Wish it for anyone, but you better be ready  
The path to serenity will have a lot of bumps  
People from the past will not make it easy for you  
Grab some faith, friend, and follow your dreams through  
Embracing life is way better than being down in the dumps

Never said I did all of this by myself  
God sorted me out with a wonderful, caring wife  
She saw me at my absolute worse and luckily my very best  
And a lot of people and things I had to put to rest  
But I never thought I say it, but I now have a fantastic life

WONDERFUL GRACE

Recovery has been a struggle, but I feel now on the winning side  
No one made it easy and often my hands were tied  
Read many books and attended fantastic therapy sessions  
The bottom line is to love yourself and forgive transgressions

The layers of my former self were stripped to the core  
So many times, I wanted to walk out of that door  
Battled against many atrocities  
There were incredible animosities

Once I began counseling family soon vented out deploring  
Unfortunately, their love has conditions and they began ignoring  
Shame and grandiosity have been with me for so very long  
Wishing I would die or becoming someone else is just wrong

Felt worthless or suddenly I would lie and tell many a great story  
Dealt with my inferiority and asked to be part of God's glory  
Got sick of playing the victim when I decided to at least try  
Embracing positivity is what I needed to apply

Different time now and I am in a better place  
God granted me his wonderful grace  
I have indeed come a long way  
Learned it is not important what people say

I shall take a bow, because I learned to mettle  
Happy to report I can settle  
Don't need now to keep speaking of the past  
My ship is afloat with a brand-new mast

I'm loving myself now with a long overdue affair  
Never underestimate the power of prayer

HAPPY ENDING

The time has come to forgive and understand  
Closure has always been the best plan  
My dreams of having things different are now at rest  
I am comfortable and I feel at my best

I wanted change for so long now  
I am grateful I finally know how  
I have neglected my needs when I was low  
I am happy I can now focus on me and let go

Perhaps it has to do with maturity and feeling free  
Giving up responsibility and letting things just be  
I certainly put up a fight  
There had to be a time when I saw the light

So much pain and questions that remain  
Peace is more important now which will keep me sane  
Life has a funny way of working itself out  
Coming into my own has helped my doubt

There are plenty of people and things that flat out don't work  
No longer a concern of mine in dealing with the dirt  
I can still care but not cater  
My needs come first and not later

Pressure from people can be hard to resist  
Living your own life is something you must insist  
The sun has not appeared today, and the sky is dark  
That is ok because God has provided me with just the right spark

WHAT IT TAKES

I am different now  
Things and people, I no longer allow  
Much was bad where I stood  
Things just weren't good

Took a lot out of me  
Much work was required to be free  
Love that I can now embrace this new beginning  
Feels good to finally be on the side that is winning

So many have talked a good game  
Their credibility was indeed lame  
Push always came to shove  
Constantly taken advantaged of

No need now to go down memory lane  
Just happy that I chose to go against the grain  
Love that I can now embrace this new beginning  
Feels good to finally be on the side that is winning

Didn't have many breaks  
Understand now I always had what it takes  
Learned to keep my distance now from certain people and things  
Happy to announce I finally received my wings

With life there is no rhyme or reason  
Grateful to God that I was given a new season

THESE DAYS

Feeling well these days  
Dealing with the family dysfunction  
They are like flogging a dead horse  
In the past they led me to be so off course  
Just glad that I rid myself of that old construction

So true that familiarity breeds contempt  
Looking ahead to new adventures these days  
Change is in order for the guy that doesn't do change  
Of course, it's scary and strange  
But at least with my new outlook it really pays

I know there are many who would want me to give up the ghost  
They enjoy keeping me down which obviously affects my worth  
Must admit I shake my head quite a bit in disgust these days  
The family probably think my sudden clarity is just a phase  
Sadly, my best interests were never a concern since birth

How did I finally turn the corner?  
Someone simply believed in me  
I was way down and I needed a hell of a raise  
I tell you I spend a lot of time thanking my lucking stars these days  
And God intervened and he loved me dearly so I could see

Friend, amazing things can also come your way  
All the fires in life don't have to turn into a blaze  
Trust your heart and give yourself a chance  
Erupt with fun, laughter, music and dance  
And what's great is that I'm feeling well these days

IN CLOSING

Children blame themselves when mom and dad behave badly, because essentially, they are the most important people in the child's life. Survival is at the root and if there is conflict in the marriage the child will automatically take on the burden, because the thought that there is trouble is too much to consider at such a delicate age.

I always blamed myself for the tension with my family. I realize now that my parents were just angry and bitter. They felt life gave them some type of raw deal. I think people that keep things bottled up are secretly desperate to tell someone how God awful they feel, but they are too concerned with the risk. What would happen if the truth was exposed and that you feel like total shit about how you were raised? You were taught to look the other way and basically keep your mouth shut about everything. Talking about your feelings will be a death sentence and that is why it is avoided. Therapists, clergymen and great friends have been giving the advice that nothing will happen to you because you spoke, but the fear is real and ever so scary.

I think it is vital to try and find someone where you could off load your life. You have been through an incredible amount that needs to be discussed. You need to mourn and grieve and most importantly heal. I laugh when I think about it, because I was willing to do practically anything, but talk of my feelings. I would have been prepared to work a million hours of over-time without pay at a gutty job just if I could keep the fantasy of my life real. I know that people just plug along with doing the best that they can, but please trust me that it does get better if you do expose your inner being to someone.

We all can benefit from an on-going relationship with someone who keeps us on the straight and narrow. Good friends come to mind, but many of us hide behind our masks and do not share vital information of our lives, because of shame and embarrassment. I hope you never give up on your quest in searching for that little bit more from life. There is so much to enjoy and experience.

#

YOU SAY...

You say that you can't be helped, and I say that you can.  
You say that the pain is too much and I say you will manage in time when you are ready.  
You say that you are pathetic, and I say you are very wrong.  
You say that you don't have what it takes, and I say yes you do.  
You say your abusers are good people and I say no they are not.  
You say what is the point and I say you have a lot to give.  
You say you can't live without someone or something and I say that is nonsense, because you are stronger than you know.  
You say that you are not bright enough to go back to school and I say all you need is love and encouragement.  
You say that you are a mistake and I say you have MADE mistakes.  
You say that you are an addict and I say there is help available.  
You say you self-harm due to your pain with your upbringing and I say to please try and receive proper therapy.  
You say you will cry forever if you begin to share your horrendous life with someone and I say it will be the start of your healing.

You say you are a loser and I say winning is within you.  
You say that it is disgusting what occurred to you and I say that you are correct.  
You say you feel lost without guidance and I say God has not abandoned you even when you think HE has.

#

THINGS THAT CAN HELP

Understand that the person or persons are emotionally unstable.  
They will change the rules just as quickly as the wind blows.  
They never had their needs met to help you with your needs.  
More times than not they are hypocritical.  
Be careful because they will transfer their shame onto you.  
Easy to feel you need to do more, but their problems are their own.  
You need to look after yourself and work on your self-esteem.  
Don't try to make sense of a senseless situation.  
Learn to ignore the rants of someone who clearly needs help.  
Not your job to fix anyone other than yourself.  
They will convince you that their problems are because of you.  
Remove yourself if you must and work on boundaries.  
Realize practically everything you were sold was probably a lie.  
Wipe the slate clean and learn to love yourself.  
Find supportive people who are good for you and your self-esteem.  
People who are emotionally abusive are chronically unhappy.  
Having said that it is not your job to cheer them up.  
They must take responsibility for themselves and get help.  
Your job is to get well and to enjoy your life.  
Just because they won't seek help doesn't mean you have to suffer.  
You have the right to smile and be full of life.  
You have the right to be successful without guilt of any kind.  
These people will drag you down if you let them.  
Don't give them the satisfaction, my friend.  
They are the ones who take the cowardly approach to life.

**Remember your incredible courage for changing your life.  
**

YESTERDAY'S NEWS

They say you pass it along if you don't pass it back  
Nobody wants to feel constantly under attack  
The lies were dreadful that you were fed  
A lot to sort out inside your head

So much upset growing up that you don't know where to start  
Therapy will help off-load some of the pain from your heart  
Getting in touch with your shame will feel like hell  
Going forward is the key with coming out of your shell

Why any of this had to occur is anyone's guess  
You are incredibly brave for having to sort out this mess  
The stories are sincere and heartfelt that you will hear  
You will be sad as you listen with shedding many a tear

Family and friends may think all of this is unnecessary and strange  
They may be the reason why you feel there needs to be a change  
Therapy can be exhausting and can take a while from feeling low  
You must persevere so you can finally grow

You are showing amazing courage to give up drugs and booze  
Stay inspired because nobody wants to be yesterday's news  
Do what you can in getting away from the trained chimps  
Who really wants to associate themselves with a bunch of wimps?

Counseling, 12 steps and having the right support is a great plan  
Removing the vices and negative people is the right ban  
Wonderful people in recovery who will lend a helpful hand  
They know all too well and will show that they understand

Many were just as scared but found they had what it took  
They too surrendered and gained much insight from the big book  
You may have to rid yourself of certain people who keep you sad  
Starting over is tough but at least you won't feel you have been had

Remember to be kind to yourself and ask God above for his strength  
The Good Lord will never have you at just arms-length  
Just know, my friend, that you are the salt of the earth  
And you were this way ever since your birth

ALWAYS

Tough start for you ever since you were a fawn  
You look great now and so glad the chip is gone  
Nothing good comes from being withdrawn  
Could see how you are nobody's pawn  
Always knew you would have a new dawn

Love seeing you smile  
Sure, in hell has been awhile  
Glad you got rid of your bile  
I could tell therapy was worthwhile  
Always did like your unique style

A lot has happened so I will get you up to speed  
There are still many a bad seed  
Not sure if anyone here will ever be freed  
You have come a long way indeed  
Always felt you were different from this breed

Love seeing you smile  
Sure, in hell has been awhile  
Glad you got rid of your bile  
I could tell therapy was worthwhile  
Always did like your unique style

Many are asking why you came back to this mess  
You have had such amazing success  
Nothing here but stress  
Hate to say it but I don't think they have what you possess  
Always knew you would never settle for less

DON'T LOOK BACK

Great to see that you got some help now keep going  
Love the attitude and you are positively glowing  
Took a lot of courage to persevere when you wanted to quit  
Seeing you now it is hard to believe you were in such a pit

What a terrific story of strength, endurance and fight  
You could be an inspiration to many because you haven't lost sight  
You are living proof there is indeed hope  
Hearing about how you tackled your pain will help others cope

I know it wasn't easy, but you dealt with some real tough things  
Fantastic to see you have earned your wings  
People underestimated you and it wasn't fair  
You surely kicked them in the rear

Give yourself a well-deserved pat on the back  
Remember to stay focused and always on track  
I know the tears you had were from a horrible past  
I'm sure you probably thought the pain would always last

You sacrificed a lot and made quite a stand  
Like that you have been humble to all the people who lent a hand  
Therapy is so very hard  
Not easy to let down your guard

Don't look back and always keep heading toward the finish line  
Your shame said you were a loser, but you are more than fine  
Glad to see you haven't turned your back on your belief  
God has eased your mind and given you some long overdue relief

EVERYTHING YOU DREAM

Always remember you deserve to be proud  
You have battled against things that are not allowed  
The darkest days were not easy, but you pulled through  
Many a dragon you slew

Give yourself a big pat on your back  
The chips were stacked up, but you kept going ahead  
Never easy to stay focused on the right track  
Your story is more fantastic because you were so misled

Only natural to still be unsure about your past  
So much good and evil in this world  
Look beyond the terrible spell that was cast  
You were in such a shell, but you are now unfurled

Why all this occurred is anyone's guess  
No question you were played like a twisted game of chess  
Bouncing back like you did took everyone by surprise  
Love that you kept your eyes on the prize

Please keep going and after everything you dream  
The world is your oyster now that you have your esteem  
Hope you share your wonderful story  
They too shall find glory

Remember stay healthy and look after yourself keeping fit  
God will continue to bless you with his incredible might  
Try hard not to look back and never quit  
The future is yours to explore and it looks ever so bright

Thank you so much for reading my eBook. Please when you have a moment could you leave feedback.

#

Eric Jones is originally from the USA, but lives now in England with his wife, Anne.

Other eBooks by Eric Jones available to download on Smashwords

**300 Codependency and Dysfunctional Family Jokes  
Hysterical Laughter Sometimes is the Best Medicine  
**<https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/986311>

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