-Thank you, everybody.
Thank you.
I'm happy to be here, you know,
and not at home with my wife.
That's always a good thing.
[ Laughter ]
I'm married. Yeah.
Some of you heard it
in my voice.
There's a little essence
of defeat
every time I open my mouth.
[ Laughs ]
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
She's my best friend.
11 years in the same spot.
She's my best friend.
♪ She's my best friend ♪
Is she?
Is she my best friend?
Is she?
Jason. Jason. [ Laughs ]
Jason was my best friend.
I haven't seen Jason
in 11 years.
I should give him a call.
Hey, buddy, how are you?
It's me. Orlando.
Alright.
Yeah, some of you are already
looking at me.
Don't get it twisted.
I'm not gonna bash my wife, man.
She's an angel,
she's an angel,
she's an angel.
I just got to keep on
repeating it to myself.
[ Laughter ]
She's an angel.
She's no saint,
'cause saints
are wonderful people.
But angels, ha-ha,
every once in a while,
they get tempted
and fall from grace.
Usually, it's during
the middle of the month.
For a whole week,
I lose her.
Yeah.
Yeah, the women
always look at me like,
"wow, that was very accurate.
Like, how do you know it's
during the middle of the month?"
I'll tell you.
I have a cycle app on my phone.
Yeah. Yeah.
Every man in here
should download it.
It's a free app.
It has a little flower.
You download it to your phone.
It comes with a calendar.
You set that calendar,
that calendar has a countdown.
Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep --
the alarm goes off.
Get out of the house!
[ Laughter ]
Thank you, everybody.
-Give it up for Orlando Leyba.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Up next, Ali Siddiq.
-Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
-Whoo!
-Alright, Ali!
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Hey.
[ Laughter ]
Let me tell you something.
When you're over 40,
you still think that you have it
even though you don't, okay?
Let me tell you
what happened to me.
So, um, let me tell you
what you're looking at.
You're looking at the MVP
of the over-40 league
two years in a row,
a.k.a. The Y.
The Y's where old men
play basketball --
over-40 league.
So I got cocky
'cause I was the MVP,
and I took my MVP game
down to 24 Hour Fitness,
um, where young boys play.
And let me know who don't care
about you being
the MVP at the Y.
Young boys.
So I'm at the gym
on this young boy,
and he's doing all this
fancy dribbling in front of me.
He's sitting there,
"yeah, Old School,
let me tell you something.
You might want to find
somebody else."
[ Laughter ]
Now, what I should have did
was listen to that young boy,
'cause he was way quicker
than he let on.
That young boy crossed me over
so fast --
I know y'all know
what a crossover is --
when somebody's
dribbling this way
and then go back this way
real fast.
He crossed me over so fast,
I just went
to the water fountain.
[ Laughter ]
I had to ask other people,
did they see it.
Did you see it?
'Cause I ain't seen nothing.
And, see, when you're
in the over-40 league,
old men, we got respect
for each other.
We do a move on you,
we just point at you
and get on back down the court.
We just point at you.
Young boys want to taunt you.
They want to taunt you.
I'm running down the court.
This young boy's
skipping next to me.
[ Laughter ]
Yeah, boy!
I get the ball,
I'm running down.
Long-range jumper
in the young boy's face.
Lean back --
hit the jumper, lean back,
but my back went out.
Now...
[ Laughter ]
...I'm going out the gym
on a stretcher.
[ Laughter ]
Right before
they get to the door --
right before they get
to the door, I had to say,
"wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait, wait."
My son's in the daycare."
See, 24 Hour Fitness has a place
where they hold your children
while you're in the gym
doing nonsense
that you shouldn't be doing.
So I'm on the stretcher.
I can't get up and show them
which one my child is.
So the paramedics
are just picking up
random black children,
showing them to me.
"This you right here?
This you?"
I say, "no, that's not me."
"This you right here?
I say, "no, that's not me."
-Oh, nice.
-[ Laughs ]
-The third baby, the paramedic
go and get an attitude.
"Now, I know this one's yours.
He looks just like you."
I said,
"no, that's not me either"
15 minutes it took
to get my son.
'Cause my son not gonna let
no stranger pick him up.
Now, they done finally
found my son,
put my son on my chest.
Now I'm going out the gym
like an NFL player.
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Alrighty.
-Thank y'all very much.
