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Smith, B.R.

And God Heard: The incredible true story of a man's death and resurrection

Published by B.R. Smith Books

First Edition

ISBN: 978-0-9838007-2-9

Printed in the United States of America

To my fantastic parents, who never gave up on me.

"We do not wrestle with flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places."

—Paul the Apostle of Jesus Christ
Chapter 1

I spent my teenage years in a community that was living a bastardized version of Christianity that followed closely to the teachings of humanism. My family "took me to church" every week, much to my objection. Most of the time we arrived after a screaming fit. I hated church, everything about it—the passive crowds listening to one man preach the same sermons over and over again with no visible results. It was a joke to me. I felt that you would have to be a complete moron to want to go to church every Sunday and just sit there passively for the better part of an hour and a half, listening to the same guy speak every single week. To me it was insanity and a boring form of it at that.

After I had tried to believe in Jesus a couple of times and nothing happened I decided that I wanted to live life in the fast lane: to be popular and to have the hot girl under my arm, along with all the money and the power. I wanted to live life to the extreme. Most of all, I wanted out of this little subculture I lived in and I wanted nothing to do with this ineffective Church.

I learned from the Church what I didn't want and I learned from MTV and Hollywood what I did want. The Church showed me what Hell on Earth could be and MTV and Hollywood showed me what heaven on earth could be. This was evident in my high school. All the popular kids were the biggest churchgoers but also some of the biggest party animals in the school. I lived in an MTV Christian reality show. I always believed that the Church should be loving but some of the meanest kids in school were the most "churched." I couldn't stand my peers in the local high school.

After years and years in this subculture and frustration after frustration, I decided that I had to get the heck out of Dodge. I was done with all the Christian nonsense and the small-minded people I had grown up with. So, I began to speak to my parents about changing schools. They were all for it; they felt sorry for me because I was so unhappy and wanted me to receive the best education I could get. So they said I could go anywhere I wanted.

We went through all our options in the area. Initially I only looked in the area and quickly realized that nearly every school was private and had some sort of Christian affiliation. These schools were the last places on Earth I wanted to spend the rest of my high school "career." Being inundated socially with a bunch of religious nuts and hypocrites didn't suit me at all. I wanted to get as far away from Texas and all the people in it as possible.

I mulled my options and decided that nothing in Texas would suffice. I decided to think big, as big as I could. Now, I had been to Europe the previous summer and the first place I had visited was Switzerland. I recalled the euphoria I felt in that country. The crisp air was like nothing I had ever experienced in America, the mountains covered with greenery and glaciers jutting up into the sky and all the little chalets dotting the green, cow-filled pastures. I loved everything about Switzerland.

More than anything, I desired to be a part of the European lifestyle: the trance music, the architecture, the beers in vending machines, all the smoky cafes, the lack of urban sprawl and at least one of those cute German girls riding around on bicycles for a girlfriend. To me, Europe was Heaven on Earth. I had felt more alive than any other time in my life, when I had visited.

The most marvellous country in the world to me was Switzerland—it had enchanted my soul. So, I began to wonder if they had any boarding schools there. My mother informed me that they most certainly did and that they were among the best in the world and that some of the most powerful people in the world went to school there. This caught my ear and I began to see how I could get to where I wanted. So with the approval of my parents I prepared to embark the following August.

For the entirety of the summer I lived in a mental fantasyland. I could hardly wait to get there. I could hardly bear to stay in Texas any longer. My heart longed for the mountains and the freedom they brought to my soul. I was almost out of my little Christian subculture and I made up in my mind that I would never return. I would stay in Europe and make my life there. I would make friends with the most powerful people on Earth and make millions and hopefully be elevated to some form of world leader. I would pull myself out of my little frog pond and evolve into a powerful man. I would never be like those Bible-thumping, nine-to-fiver hypocrites that I knew all to well. I was done with the Church, I was done with Texas, and I was done with small thinking. I would be free. Truly free.

And so I arrived in Switzerland and started school. It was nothing like what I had expected. Everything I had grown up around and had known was foreign to the people I encountered in that school. I was constantly getting in trouble for not being "politically correct" and began to grow incredibly homesick under the load of school work and culture shock I was experiencing. It was all too alien to me and not nearly as easy as I had believed it would be, and so, being a weak-willed teen, I collapsed internally under all the pressure—but only after September 11.

The day the planes flew into the towers I decided to go home, but later in the evening it was confirmed that I would be going home anyway. Long story short, I got drunk along with everyone else on the mountain and ended up knocking out some Canadian kid who was talking a whole lot of smack and wouldn't sell me one of his one hundred packages of instant noodles because I was American. It was poor timing on his part.

The school didn't like this so much and suggested I voluntarily leave because from a disciplinarian standpoint, I was hanging by a thin string. This only made my decision final and so I left. I was sick of all the popular propaganda the school was promoting, and was sick of being called a bigot for not agreeing with their views on what to say and how to behave in the new globalist society that was forming.

I arrived home shortly after that, a very hung-over young man. I flew from Geneva to Amsterdam, Amsterdam to Mexico City (where I vomited in the Hilton's interior flower pots for not giving me a room amid all the travel chaos) and then onto Nuevo Laredo where I walked across the border. I then went back to school at the local high school.

Quickly, I realized the error of my return.

The remainder of the year I was in utter internal misery. It was the same dynamic as always. I was forced by my parents to go to church on another lame Sunday and the people were exactly as I had left them. During this year I drank a lot out of sheer frustration. I felt like I had utterly failed in Switzerland and that my chances to become rich and powerful had faded. So for the remainder of the school year I pondered how I could get another shot at becoming a "big deal."

I realized pretty quickly what I had to do. I had to get back to Switzerland and try again. All the globalist propaganda I had been inundated with in Switzerland began to look pretty pleasant, not to mention my soul's need for the mountains. I asked my parents if I could go back to school there. They were all for it and wanted me to live up to my potential and decided to give me another shot. So, I hopped on a plane and returned.

This time around in Switzerland, I made sure I wouldn't capitulate to emotion. I would see it through to the end. I continually told myself I would climb the social ladder and wouldn't stop until I hit the big time. So I made friends with a bunch of rich Russians and had a blast going to the best clubs in Geneva with them. I was riding high and doing well, at least socially. My grades were of little concern to me.

#

This social climbing involved drinking, a lot of drinking. But if there was one thing I was really good at, it was drinking and holding my own. So, to no one's surprise, all my best friends were Russians.

One Russian in particular stood out to me. His name was Alex. Alex was the son of a Russian oligarch, and a lot like me. He didn't buy into the school's propaganda and he was a real man's man. He was brusque yet had a kind heart. He was always concerned with everyone else's best interests. I liked him almost immediately and loved him the second I heard that his dad drove a Bugatti prototype.

The problem with trying to elevate oneself via drinking in a Swiss boarding school lay in their three strikes policy. Within three months I had almost struck out; and then I got mononucleosis. I yawned and decided to go home. I arrived in America, but maintained in my mind that I had accomplished what I set out to do. I had met and established relationships with powerful people. I had done that and felt that I had done it well. I knew that these relationships wouldn't fade if I could just make it back to Europe soon.

During the next nine months I finished two years of high school and maintained my relationships with all the Russians I had met via telephone. In particular I made sure to keep in contact with Alex. Alex informed me that he would be going to university in London the coming fall at Regents College, so I applied and was accepted to their foundational business program. My parents were reluctant to send me because of my past failures, but nevertheless I persuaded them to send me to London. They told me this was my last chance and that I had better make it count.

I was going to make it count. I was going to go all the way, and I wasn't coming back to the States until I achieved my heart's desire. This is the story that radically changed my life.
Chapter 2

I peered out the window of the plane and looked at the tip of Greenland in wonderment. I am so happy to get the heck outta there. Man, I hate that place. I'll never go back if I can avoid it. I'm finally free from that horrid place and all those small-minded people. I'll never have to listen to another redneck accent again or go to church, for that matter. I took a deep breath. Don't mess this up, Ben. Don't mess this up. This is your last shot, man. Your folks won't keep financing your little adventures forever. Just don't break down emotionally under pressure like you did before. No getting homesick or getting overwhelmed by culture shock.

I was going to make millions of dollars with Alex. We were going to have a blast—go clubbing, meet hot Euro chicks, and get a place together. For the first time in my life, things were going to go how I wanted them to.

The plane touched down in London. I passed through customs and then headed to the Four Seasons on Gloucester Place, which was close to my new college. London was like nothing I had ever experienced. It was an ancient, huge, and busy city. There were pubs at every corner of every street, a lot of culture, and an air of freedom in the wind. I loved it. The first day, I soaked it all in and went to a bunch of traditional pubs to enjoy my new drinking freedom, while intermittently heading back to the hotel and trying to ring Alex to see where he was. Every time I called it went to his voicemail.

"Where the heck is he?" I shouted after the seventh or eighth call.

What a nightmare! What if he doesn't come? He is notorious for changing his plans at the last minute! Man, I really hope he picks up soon! The day passed and rolled into the next afternoon. I began to call him every thirty minutes or so for the better part of the next day in a near panic. _I hope I can get hold of Him. Man. I hope he answers._ It just rang. _Oh man, nothing._ _I'll call again in five minutes... No, I'll call now._ I impatiently dialed Alex's number again. It began to ring then clicked

"Alio," he said.

"Hey Alex, it's Ben." My voice cracked slightly with nervous excitement.

"Hey, man, are you in London yet?" he said in his thick Russian accent.

"Yeah, man, I'm at the Four Seasons at Gloucester Place. It's not the proper Four Seasons—it's just named that—but call me back if we get disconnected for some reason."

"Ok. Good, good."

"Where are you, dude?"

"I'm in London at the Grosvenor Hotel with Ivan."

_Oh. What the heck is Ivan doing here? I just wanted to hang out with Alex today, by myself. Oh well, just brush it off. You never know. It might be fun to have someone else around from Switzerland._ I was just relieved to know Alex was in London.

"Sweet, man, where is that?"

"Just tell the taxi driver we're at the Grosvenor Hotel. He'll know where it is."

"Ok, I'll be over there in a little bit."

"Ok. Good, good."

"I'll call you when I get there."

"Good, good."

"Ok, I'll call you..."

Click.

"Alex?" I paused. "Alex?"

_Dang. He hung up. I kinda dragged that out a little. I never have the Fung Shui I want in conversation, dang it! I always sound so bloody needy on the phone! Heck, I am needy._ I looked around the hotel room with slight disorientation, then shook myself back to sense.

"Ok, let's go," I said as I clapped my hands together.

I walked out of the hotel room and down the narrow staircases towards the hotel's lobby. John, the owner, greeted me there.

"Would you like me to hail you a cab?"

"That would be awesome," I said, relieved I didn't have to fool with it.

I waited on the sidewalk outside the hotel as traffic roared down Gloucester Place. _Shoot. I can't believe I am in London._ I pulled out a cigarette, gave it a light and took a drag. By the time I exhaled John had waved down a taxi for me.

"Thanks, John," I said.

"You're most welcome," he replied kindly as the black cab came to a sudden stop next to the curbside.

Most welcome! Man, people here are friendly!

I grinned and looked at the taxi driver.

"Can I smoke?" I held my cigarette in the air for him to see.

"Yeah sure, hop in," he said in a Cockney accent.

One more reason I love Europe. I can smoke in a taxi.

I climbed into the cab, cigarette in hand, smirk on face.

"Where to?" the cabbie asked.

"The Grosvenor Hotel."

No sooner had I said this then, _wroom_ , the cabbie had put his foot full force on the accelerator. It made a loud noise but had no getup.

"Ha," I chuckled. "What a piece of junk."

I rolled down the window and a cool breeze rushed into the cabin. The sky was framed against the yellow, white, and red brick buildings of Gloucester Place. It looked like nothing I had ever seen before. The clouds were low-lying and floated gently across the deepest bluest sky I had ever seen. I felt alive. _This is a new page in my life. Now I have a shot at actually living a bigger life. I will live a bigger life. I'll meet all the right people here and make millions. I've set myself up for success. To heck with Texas—I'm never going back. This place is far better. Besides that, now I can live however I want._ I shook from excitement at the notion of absolute freedom.

About ten minutes passed and I saw the Grosvenor Hotel ballroom entrance. _Oh wow, looks nice, real nice!_

Dang, I wish I had as much money as him. In time, Ben, in time.

The cabbie took a left and went down a narrow street and then took another left into the hotel's rear parking lot.

"This is definitely the place," I said with enthusiasm.

In front of the hotel were parked numerous Lamborghinis, Ferraris, and Rolls Royces.

"Holy @#$%! This is Awesome!"

"Yeah, it's the Grosvenor," he said matter-of-factly and grinned.

I paid the man and then walked slowly alongside all the cars of my dreams. _Man, this is awesome._ This was what I wanted. All of this, plus some hot girls on the side and a bottle of Dom.

I walked through the rotating door and into the luxurious marble lobby towards the concierge desk.

"Hi, could you please call Alex N. for me?"

"Certainly, sir. What's your name?"

I smiled. _Shoot, I am no sir._ I leaned up casually on the counter.

"Benjamin Smith."

He checked his computer, mumbled some numbers to himself, then picked up his phone and dialed for Alex. It rang for a bit.

"Yes, Mr. N., there is a Mr. Benjamin Smith here to see you... Ok, yes, I'll tell him."

He hung up the phone.

"He'll be right down, sir."

"Thanks, man," I said, and flipped him a peace sign.

I walked over to a set of chairs in the main hall of the hotel and eyeballed the elevators. Person after person got off of it. No Alex, no Ivan. I became impatient. Again more people got off. _No Russians that I know._

"Dang it," I said.

I sat down, immediately got up, paced a back and forth a bit out of impatience and again sat back down. _Why does everything always take so long?_ DING. I focused on the opening elevator doors.

Out walked Alex in his usual manly man swagger, clean cut as I had last seen him at school, wearing elegant designer clothes and expensive shoes. Following closely behind him was Ivan, whose long black hair fell carelessly in his face and whose clothing style was a rumpled t-shirt with a malicious looking face against a tie-dye psychedelic background.

"Nice," I muttered to myself.

"Ah, Ben..." Alex called loudly in a deep Russian accent, to the shock and dismay of all the proper people walking through the lobby.

I jumped up and began to walk toward them smiling. He extended his hand to me and grasped mine powerfully, and pulled me in for a hug, pounding me roughly on the back a couple of times _._

"Ah, yeah, man!" Alex proclaimed excitedly.

"Shoot, man. This is so cool!" I said, as the sting from his slaps wore off.

I looked at Ivan and then hugged him while patting him roughly on the back. _I guess that's the way to do it with Russians_. We stood there awkwardly for a second, not knowing what to say next. Alex broke the silence.

"So how are you?"

"Ha, a bit jet lagged, but to nevermind that. This is so cool!" I pointed at him adamantly with a big smile on my face.

"Yeah, Yeah. I know, it's cool!" he said in a machismo Russian tone.

We all laughed _. That's why I'm here, to hear more of his stuff and to make a billion dollars with him. He is probably the coolest guy on the planet and he has some serious capital. Now that's what I call a win–win situation for me._

"Let's grab a beer, guys," Alex said.

"Da, pash liet," Ivan agreed.

"I'll third that."

"Well, guys, let's just drink at the bar here in the hotel. It's on my dad," Alex laughed.

"Lead the way," I said.

We walked up to the bar and sat down.

I sighed. _Better include Ivan in conversation._

"Wow, I can't believe we're all here, ya know? It seems like so long. Kinda surreal," I said.

"I know, was the last time at boarding school," Alex said.

"Yeah, man, it's been like ten months for me away from the glories of Switzerland," I remarked.

"Man, @#$% Switzerland!" Ivan added loudly, in his own uniquely tripped-out Russian accent. "We're in London now. That's what matters! We're gonna mess this place up, maaan!"

We sat there and carried on in conversation for about two hours. Some time later a waitress came by and asked what else we would like.

"Another beer, please," I said.

"Yeah, three," Alex pointed to all of us.

"It's nice to be able to drink here. It should be eighteen years in the States, too," I said as the waitress walked off.

"Man, in Russia a five year old can buy vodka!" Alex remarked.

"No kidding?" I said in disbelief. "Makes some sense I guess... The Wild, Wild East, eh?"

"Yeah maaan, it's not Ameriiika," Ivan said.

"Yes, Ben there are some very, very... drunk five year olds in Russia," Alex stated.

I broke into laughter.

"Ha, yeah America. You can't do anything in the U.S., man! Can't even drink in a park where I'm from, even if you're of age. Total nonsense, man. Free country my butt! Especially for all the alcoholic five year olds. Who the heck cares, though," I said with a grin.

"Let's go to rave tonight, guys," Ivan said.

"Ivan, bleit..." Alex said in a frustrated tone.

"Chuvak!" Ivan prodded Alex. Chuvak means dude in Russian.

They argued loudly in Russian for a bit. I could tell Ivan was trying to coax Alex to come.

"Vaness, nyet," Alex said firmly.

Well, I kinda wanna go. Ivan seems like a pretty fun guy actually—a real go-getter. Never been to a rave before, looks cool from what I've seen in movies. And besides that, I don't have to worry about my Bible-thumping mother finding out I got trashed there. I'm a free man. Finally!

"I'm in, dude. I've always wanted to go to a real club."

Ivan changed his focus from Alex to me. Then began to assault my ears with his tripped-out and somewhat obnoxious accent.

He yelled in the first-class cocktail lounge, "It's gonna be amaaazing, man, seriiiously, hot girrrllls, E, and nice muuusic..."

"Vaness, peiz dietz," Alex sighed and shook his head with general displeasure.

"E?" I said perplexed.

"Yeah, man... Ecstasy, bliet. But you don't know E?" He cocked his head to the side and widened his light blue eyes.

This guy's a crack. Crazy as heck, but funny, too.

"Come on, man, I haven't lived under a rock all my life. I just didn't assume that's what you were talking about. Never heard it called E before."

"But you see that iz what I am talking about and now you got it." He put his hand to his temple and pointed at me in a trippy manner, smiling widely.

This guy is something else!

Alex began shaking his head again at Ivan in disapproval. _I've always wanted to try ecstasy, from everything I've heard about it, it sounds like the best thing on Earth._

"So?" Ivan asked.

"I'm game, dude," I said.

My thoughts shifted to Alex. _I feel like kind of a jerk. I don't just wanna ditch him, especially on the first night. Plus he's the only reason I even came to London. Maybe I shouldn't go to the club. But I really want to try ecstasy. The curiosity is killing me._

"But stay here for a longer and let's drink some more beers, man. The club doesn't even start till much later," Alex interjected.

Ah, he doesn't seem to mind too much. Won't hurt anything. Besides it's not like we won't be seeing each other around. I live here now and we'll be in school together.

"Yeah for sure, man," I said, confident now, as I patted Alex on the back.

We talked about old times and Ivan told me briefly of how he got kicked out of boarding school and then sold drugs for six months in Switzerland to all the students. Somehow he managed to get a diploma, anyway.

"Yeah, but it wasn't International Baccalaureate," Ivan said.

"Who the heck cares man, you're here, aren't you?" I said.

"Exactly chuvak, in London." He began to laugh.

"Hahaha." I smirked. "I really don't know how you managed that, man."

"Yeah, man, that's just crazy," Alex agreed.

Ivan just grinned and nodded his head.

"So how long do you think it will take us to get out of the foundation course? Anyone think they'll do it in six months?"

"I'm not going to foundation. I'm starting at Regents Business School," Alex said.

What the heck? I thought Alex would be in the foundation program. That's what he said on the phone.

"Alex, but... I thought you were gonna be with us in foundation," I said, disappointed.

"No, RBS," he said matter-of-factly.

That stinks. I came all the way over here to go to school with Alex, that was the whole point.

"How come you aren't in the foundation course, man? You had way worse grades than me," I said, confused.

"I have my ways."

"Yeah, your ways. How much did those ways cost?" I said slightly annoyed.

"I don't know what you're talking about," he said in a joking manner as he held his hands in the air, trying to make light of the situation.

_What an jerk!_ I turned to Ivan.

"Well, bad to be us, I guess. I wish we could just start at the real college and not some pathetic business foundation course. Oh well, I guess it's you and me, Vaness."

"Yeah, maaan, you and me..." Ivan smirked oddly.

Chapter 3

We arrived at the club at about midnight and I quickly noticed all the beautiful girls dressed in tight latex dancing suits that glowed in the dark. I had never seen such a sight. Ivan and I entered the club and took some ecstasy within the first five minutes. What ensued was hours and hours of non-stop dancing in a euphoria I had never experienced. I was lost in the music and was awestruck watching all the women who danced wildly under the influence, some of them topless. I felt like I was in the Roman Empire. I loved the heathen element to it all. Gone were the conservative values of small-town Texas; gone were the bickering feelings of guilt caused by other people's judgments. I felt free, released from nonsensical biblical beliefs.

I walked into the bathroom and saw a beautiful girl having sex with a guy in the midst of all who walked in. It was so far from what I had known in Texas. Part of me found it intriguing and part of me was utterly disgusted. The part of me that found it intriguing saw a freedom I had never witnessed. This was a freedom that enabled people to have sex in public and not be ashamed. I rationalized that this is how it must have been in the sixties. I couldn't imagine such a thing back in Texas, not even in my wildest daydreams. Everyone looked so happy and free to me, and it made me see what I felt I was lacking, in the most tangible of ways; a freedom to not care what people thought and to do what you want. Still, my conscience found it disgusting.

Almost within minutes of the ecstasy taking effect, Ivan became my best friend. That night he supplied me with all the drugs and booze I wanted and told me of what a great time we were going to have partying and being together. Ivan was full of passion and vigor and he offered the camaraderie I had never gotten from those "hypocrites" I had tried to befriend back in Texas. Ivan was a whirlwind of spontaneous emotion and unbridled thought and expression. I idolized him as my liberator.

The night eventually came to an end and we burst out of the club onto the streets of Camden Town in central London. I was absolutely devastated by the ecstasy and began to get slammed by waves of anxiety.

"Man, I'm thirsty." My head was spinning and I was pretty anxious.

"Yeah, but bliet, let's smoke a joint," Ivan said.

"Yeah, that would be nice man. Ecstasy's crazy, dude."

"Yeah, man, you're really up. That's why we should smoke a joint and relax."

"Up?" I said.

"Yeah. It's a stimulant."

We continued walking down the street away from the Camden Place. _That was the best music I've ever heard, let alone danced to. What a crazy night!_ We were pretty far from Alex's hotel. I didn't want to walk all the way back to the Grosvenor. I was tired from dancing so much and my body felt like Jell-O.

"Ivan, let's get a taxi and go back to Alex's room," I said wearily.

"Yeah, maaan. To heck with this. We'll drink beer from minibar at hotel, then smoke there," Ivan said, quietly.

"Yeah, good idea."

We continued down the street for a bit. _Where the heck are we?_ A cold blast of air hit me as we rounded the corner of some red brick buildings. I immediately got goose bumps. _This stinks, being outside. I want some comfort. I want a bed to lay down on. Where the heck is a taxi when you need one?_

"Let's walk towards the center," Ivan said.

"Which way is that?"

"It's over there." He pointed in some direction.

"Sure, let's go."

_Better than waiting here for nothing, I guess_. I felt the ecstasy pulsating through my veins. _Man, this stuff really messes you up. This can't be good for you._

"Bleit, there's one," Ivan said.

I looked down the road and saw a black cab with its orange light on. We started running towards the taxi. I waved my arms above my head frantically.

"Taxi!" I screamed at the top of my lungs.

_No! He isn't slowing down_. Vooom. He passed by us quickly with cold air following in his wake.

"Dang it, man!"

" _Votsuuukaaa,_ " Ivan screamed in Russian as the cab passed by us.

"What the...! Why didn't he pick us up?"

"Because he's a @#$%#*, that's why. A REAAAALL @#$%@#*" Ivan shouted furiously into the sky with his fists clenched.

"AHHH!" He raged, kicking a signpost.

_Whoa._ I listened to his scream echo through the buildings and street.

"Shoot, man, it's cool, relax," I said.

He shot a wicked glare my way.

"@#$% you!" he shouted.

This caught me off guard and my soul shrank within me.

Why is he so mad at me? What did I do?

"Well... Sorry, man," I said.

Just blow it off. It's not that big of a deal. Maybe he is just as anxious as I am.

I looked down the street and saw another orange light heading our way.

"Hey, there's another one, man," I said with hope in my voice.

Ivan sprinted to the other side of the street as I followed closely behind him. He began to wave his hands above his head as the cab began to slow down.

"Oh man, that's awesome," I said, exhaustedly.

The cabbie stopped next to us and rolled down his window.

"Where to, blokes?"

"The Grosvenor Hotel," Ivan said.

"Ok, I'll take ya there."

We got in and fell back into the seats. _Ohhh. It feels like Heaven just to sit down after dancing for hours._

"Piez diets," Ivan said.

"Yeah, man."

"A bit messed," he said.

"What's a bit messed?"

"I am." He chuckled as if nothing had happened.

"That would make two of us."

I smiled slightly and then a wall of anxiety hit me again. _This dang drug! I probably should have stayed with Alex. I shouldn't have done this junk. This is way too hardcore! I guess I didn't realize it. I mean I can't even control this anxiety it's so bad. And why the heck did Ivan get all evil on me back there? Why can't I ever tell people to bugger off when they treat me like that? You're too nice, man._

We eventually made it to Alex's hotel room and began the arduous task of waking Alex from his sleep. Ivan banged with all his might on the door. This made me nervous that we might get into trouble. Ivan, on the other hand, couldn't have cared less. Alex finally came to the door and we entered his room.

"Hey, man," I said.

"Uh, hey guys," Alex said while blinking his eyes to get out the sleep.

"Did you have fun at your raaave?" His countenance lifted from weary-eyed exhaustion to slight curiosity.

"Dude, it was some crazy stuff, bro," I said loudly.

"Cool," he said casually with a slightly condescending grin on his face. "Well..." Alex continued as he stretched his arms out in front of him.

He turned around, walked over to his bed, then flung himself face-first into his plush pillows. I laughed a bit at the sight of him plunging comfortably into his first-class cushions, then walked into the bathroom and splashed some water on my face. I wiped my face with a clean towel, filled a glass with water, then chugged it and then looked at myself in the mirror.

"Whoa!"

I leaned closer to the mirror. _Man, my eyes are dilated_. I leaned back from the mirror. My face looked different to me and I felt strange just looking at myself.

"Man, this stuff is wild."

Condescending, judgmental, Bible-thumping beliefs engulfed my mind. _Why did you do this, Ben?_ I felt thoroughly guilty and ashamed I had popped those little pink pills. I threw the towel on the floor and walked back into the main room. I saw Ivan sitting in a chair rolling a joint. I sat down at the base of Alex's bed. That punk, I really wanted to sit in that chair.

This guy is messing my day up. I came here to hang out with Alex. Now I'm jacked up on E and he took my chair. Dang it. Nothing you can do now.

"So, yeah, man... That rave scene is something else," I remarked as the ecstasy continued pulsating through my veins.

Alex turned over and looked at me.

"Yeah? You're messed up, huh? I hope it was fun," he said sarcastically.

Way to make me feel more guilty, ya punk. Well, to heck with you. You could have offered a better suggestion earlier. Maybe we could have gone and hooked up with some girls. I'd rather done that, anyway.

"A little bit, but not that bad, and yeah it was pretty fun," I said indignantly.

Click, click. Ivan lit the joint.

He began to puff on the joint as he leaned out the window. I watched him take a couple of huge drags off it and could hardly wait to smoke some myself. I got up and stood by the window. I waited impatiently, watching him take a couple more gigantic hits. _Didn't your momma ever teach you how to share? Just give it to me for crying out loud!_ He took a couple more while I stared at him with impatient disdain, and then passed me the half-smoked joint. ' _Bout time, you selfish jerk._ The smoke went gently to my lungs. _Shoot, this E numbs your body._ I watched Ivan as he began to roll another joint, and then looked over at Alex, who was already sleeping again.

I finished the joint Ivan had given me with two more decent puffs, then threw it out the window, watching as the joint bounced off a window ledge and found its resting place on an air-conditioning unit.

As I was looking over the ledge of the window, a massive high hit me. The combination with the E was incredibly strong. I swayed back and forth and felt like my legs were about to give out. I stumbled to the base of Alex's bed and plopped down on the floor. In a few moments, emptiness came over my mind. I couldn't think. I literally couldn't think. I was just blank. My mind spun into utter confusion.

"Who am I?" I whimpered to myself.

I attempted to stand up but couldn't muster the skill. I tried to think of something. Some point of reference to keep me attached to this world and its realities, but still couldn't think of anything. I was nowhere in the drugs. I got excessively anxious. _@#$%! Try to think. Are you trying to think? How do I know I'm trying to think?_ I drew a mental blank. _Where am I again? London, London. Why am I here? Um, Um, Um... Uh, school._ Suddenly I got an urge. _I need something. What is it, what is it, what is it? A light went on in my head. A beer. Maybe a beer will calm these feelings._ I crawled towards the mini bar and opened it up. I grabbed two beers from inside. I sat there not knowing what to do next. _Talk to someone. Ask Alex if he wants a beer._

"Alex, do you want a beer, man?" My voice echoed in my head.

No response.

"Alex?" again my voice echoed.

There was no response. I looked over at Ivan, my head swaying slightly from side to side, eyes crossing every now and then.

"You're messssed up, man...." Ivan began to laugh at the state of my confusion.

"Alex is asleep, duuude."

Wow, I'm losing it. How did I forget about that?

"Well, you want a beer?" I held one shakily in the air.

"Yeaah, man, really, really, baaad actually," he moaned.

_Good, so I'm not alone in that feeling. But why would a beer help?_ This most simplistic question caused me great anxiety _. Don't ask yourself such deep questions right now._

"Ok, here, man." My words echoed in my ears _._

_I hate that echo_.

I popped off the cap with my lighter, then mustered the necessary strength to get up and hand it to him. I gave him his beer, propped myself up against the wall near his chair, took a deep breath and then proceeded to chug my beer.

"Niiice one, man," he said happily as he watched me down my cerveza.

Ivan looked totally contented as he took a few gulps from his beer. _Why the heck is he so chill and I'm not? How can I be so messed up, when he seems to be so fine?_ I uncapped my beer and chugged it. _I just want to go to sleep and end this night._ Ivan set his beer down, finished rolling the joint and then lit it.

"Maaan, but you see... You have to smoke and drink beer after E or it is really bad. But I think that the beer is better."

"Whadya mean?"

"It helps you go to sleep. They are downers, maaan."

This time he took two puffs and then passed it to me. I was grateful. _If he is right, then maybe I'll pass out. I certainly feel like my mind could just shut down._

"Oh thanks, man," I said.

"Your veeelcooome," he said as he exhaled out the window.

We smoked the joint together then finished off all the alcohol in the minibar. _Now I'll try to pass out._ Suddenly a feeling of dread slammed into me. _Why do I feel this way?_ I became anxious. _Why did I do it then and why do I feel so empty?_ The questions only made me even more anxious. I sat up and wanted to ask Ivan why I felt this way. I looked at him. He was curled up in the rigid Victorian chair and had passed out. I couldn't understand why Ivan hadn't felt the same way as me. He seemed to relish in the experience of the drug. What was supposed to be a great time turned into a hellacious night, full of a darkness I had never experienced.

Chapter 4

A few weeks passed and nearly everything I had planned began falling apart. All my hopes and dreams had been pinned on Alex. I had made him my God of sorts. In Alex I hoped to get ahead. In Alex I hoped to live in a really nice apartment. In Alex I hoped to escape the reality of the nine-to-five job. In Alex I hoped to get to a position of authority. Not only would Alex not be sharing a place with either of us, but he had also managed to get into the business program, despite having pathetic grades in high school. I was in despair over this. It felt it was a sign of things to come.

During this time Ivan and I hung out constantly because Alex was often off doing his own thing. This annoyed both of us, so we began to build a friendship off of our mutual frustration with Alex.

One thing that began to happen in the early weeks of my "college career" was my realization at just how ridiculous the absolute frenzy of educational pursuit really was. The way I saw it was simple: Go to school, pass, and get a piece of paper that enables you to make more money. I knew that a large majority of students including myself would never remember even a quarter of what we had learned before graduation. So, I didn't really understand why we had to do what we were doing, especially when everyone else seemed as unenthusiastic as me. Practical, real-life situations seemed a better educator than a bunch of class work. After all, if life worked the way I wanted, then I could be making some money and moving ahead with my dreams in a more independent fashion.

I was sick of school almost immediately and longed for the freedom that seemed so many years away. I wanted the wealth, pleasure, and power right then. I was incredibly, incredibly impatient. Pure freedom was my heart's longing but I realized that getting it could take decades and a lot of hard work without Alex's help.

Everything about society including its rules and ideas began to nauseate me. Why should there be such constraints on all individuals by other individuals? I began to realize that the freedom I had wanted and the optimism I had when I had arrived in London was quickly becoming elusive. That optimism had flown out the door when I began to see how difficult it would be to attain my dreams in such an established society, by myself. So I gravitated towards pleasure. In my everyday reality, pleasure came from drinking, drugs, and I hoped eventually sex. So that is what I began to pursue. After all what else was I going to do while I waited for my break? I couldn't control my own reality, nor could I control Alex and all that I wanted to achieve with him.

But I still had a newfound friend in wild Ivan. Ivan brought me a lot of comfort. He railed against society and all its established ways. I agreed with almost everything he said. He would slam any argument that people had into the ground and leave them reeling from the experience. That, of course, was when he was sober. When Ivan was jacked up on some substance he would usually become utterly belligerent and moody and didn't care to explain to the "simpletons" what he thought. When he was like this he would usually just belch in their face or curse them. I liked and hated this aspect of Ivan. I liked it because he said what he wanted to say, and he said it with power and without concern for other people's perceptions. He was everything I wasn't in that regard. But sometimes I hated it, especially in very public places, because he could be so over-the-top rude that it was an embarrassment. One thing was for certain; we both liked to drink a lot and he helped me find my passion for smoking marijuana, which we regularly indulged in.

The problem with all the drinking and pot-smoking was the melancholy it brought afterward. This melancholy brought back questions that I had tried to avoid for years. I often wondered if there was a God. I would try to talk to God, but nothing was said back to me, which only exacerbated the feelings. In those times of soul-searching I felt alone, completely alone. I detested the feelings associated with this new void in my soul. So, I did my best to stay as high or as drunk as possible. I justified that there was nothing better to do anyway, so I sought pleasure to cover these rediscovered, empty feelings and the void they had created.

From the moment I arrived in London, one of my deepest desires was to get a European girlfriend, preferably full-figured, gorgeous, and Swiss. After the first few weeks of school and still no girlfriend, I became more and more frustrated. When finally a girl named Jennifer walked into the college bar one evening and interrupted Ivan and me, I was all for it.

"Hey, I'm looking for some Germans," she said in an American accent.

"Huh?"

How does this apply to me?

"Some German guys told me they'd be here tonight," she continued.

"Do you know their names?"

"Mark and, umm... I don't remember the other one."

"Sorry. I don't know any German guys named Mark... I do know about deutschemarks though. But I think they use euros now... So I don't think that will help either."

My insecurity got to me _. Why did I say that? That sounded ridiculous._ _I_ _'_ _m such a loser sometimes. You'll never get a girlfriend if you go on like that._

"American, I see," she smirked.

"Yeah, I'm guessing—ditto."

She smiled widely and placed her hands on her hips.

"Oh, how did you know?"

She held a wide smile and stared directly into my eyes, hands still on hips. _Ok, she'_ _s cute and she looks like she_ _'_ _d like to do something naughty. Now that_ _'_ _s my kind of American. Why can't there be more like this? Just say something!_

"Yeah, so, no Marks here but my name's Ben. If that's any consolation to you."

"Well, I think it might be," she said in a flirtatious manner.

Good, this is good. Now you're making progress.

"So, I'm thinking you should sit down and grab a beer with us," I glanced at Ivan and saw him swaying a bit from drunkenness.

_Don'_ _t mess this up for me, Ivan. No belching_ _, Rasputin-like manners,_ _or tripped-out drug talk._

"Yeah, that would be great actually."

"Awesome, but this brings me to my next question. What type of beer do you want?"

"Oh, anything is fine."

"I'll hook you up then. They've got a great beer here. You'll like it." I jumped to my feet.

"I'll be right back."

I got up, went to the bar, ordered a Hoegaarden and came back. Ivan was sitting there staring at the table angrily. _What the heck's wrong with him?_ I looked at Ivan again _. He looks a tad_ _gone._

_Well, buggar off Ivan! I'm_ _gonna go live my life. Besides that, I want to get laid tonight. God, I really hope I can pull this off. Come on, man, you_ _'_ _r_ _e_ _good looking_ _and six-foot-four,_ _even if you do have a couple of extra pounds_ _on ya._

"Here you go."

I handed her the cold pint.

"So what are you doing here?" I asked.

"Well, I'm here on a weapons conference."

"Why?"

"Oh, I'm in the Air Force."

"U.S. Air Force?"

I looked at her perplexed _._ _What_ _'_ _s she doing here?_

"Yeah."

"Weird, I didn't know they came to Britain."

"Yeah, well, now ya do." She smiled.

"Cool, so how long are you here?"

"About a week."

Well, that stinks, Ben, that stinks. Why can't I ever get a break?

"You like it so far, I mean, you like being over here?"

"It's so great, I wish I could stay longer."

"Why don't you?"

"I can't."

"Sure you can. You can do whatever you want."

"Well, I don't have parents who can send me over here, like you."

"Ouch, yeah, well, that stinks."

_Man! Why_ _did I say that?_

"Yeah, it does," she nodded in agreement.

I glanced at Ivan. He was sitting arms crossed and looked quite upset. _Why is he upset? Ah, to heck with_ _him, he_ _'_ _s not that much fun tonight, anyway._ I looked back at Air Force girl.

"What's your name?"

"Jennifer."

"Hey, well, there ya go, nice solid American name." I laughed slightly. "Well, Jennifer, it's a pleasure meeting you."

I extended my hand and gently shook hers.

"Yeah. You, too."

"Well, sorry about your Germans. I thought the krauts were supposed to be reliable, ya know."

She smirked and chuckled a bit.

"Yeah."

There ya go Ben, now you're making progress. Make her laugh.

"Well, you're not missing much with them. Germans are a bit of a bore anyway and not funny at all, I might add," I said, smirking.

"Agreed."

Ivan got up, shot a glare my way then stumbled over to another table and sat with some other people.

"What's with your friend?" she asked.

"Oh, he's just a little, well, how do you say... antisocial slash countercultural."

"Ha, yeah I gathered that by his crazy t-shirt."

I looked down at the table and her beer was gone.

"Shoot! You finished that faster than me and let me tell you something—that doesn't happen much."

"Well, I'm a real woman."

"No kidding! I'll bet you could even kick my butt, Air Force girl!"

"Wanna find out?" she said in a flirtatious manner.

"Ooh la la, would love to," I flirted back.

#

We ended up leaving Ivan and headed to a pub on Baker Street. I was so awkward internally at the time I really didn't know what to do or say to get a woman into bed, so I got drunk to gain some liquid courage. I eventually proposed that we go back to my place after we were good and drunk and that's exactly what we did.

Now what I really wanted more than anything was a girlfriend, and I was elated to have found Jennifer, but I was incredibly disappointed because she would only be in London for a week. Nevertheless, I jumped on the possibility of sex and a relationship with a woman, no matter how short. Pleasure was available, so I indulged.

The really annoying thing about it was that after we had done the dirty deed, I was bombarded by guilt and anxiety. My conscience flared up. I couldn't help it. Flashing neon signs that read "NO SEX BEFORE MARRIAGE" overwhelmed my mind. I couldn't get away from my upbringing or the religion of my childhood.

My conscience gnawed away at me so much that I debated asking her to leave. She was a constant reminder of the guilt I was feeling. But instead I started a conversation about God with her, hoping that she could reveal some insight that would relieve my religious feelings and therefore my guilt. I wanted to bury them and the associated anxiety once and for all.

"Do you believe in God?"

"Umm... Where is this coming from?" she asked, perplexed.

"Well, no... I mean, I don't know. I'm just curious. What you think?"

"Yeah, I guess so."

"You guess? I mean what does that really mean, no offense?"

"Well, yeah, I just don't know if this idea of God that everyone has is right. You know what I mean?"

"I guess so, but it's quite vague what you just said."

I continued,

"I mean, there has to be a singular source to all of this, I think. It's not like we all came from a coke can floating around in space for trillions of years, like those evolutionists say."

"Yeah, true, but I don't know if it is really possible to know or understand this source," she said.

"Shoot, maybe you're right, ya know. I mean, maybe we're just like ants down here and sometimes we get squashed or find some food. But me personally, I think that's the most depressing perspective on life one can have. I think about this stuff more than I would like to, ya know."

"Ants?" she asked playfully.

"Well, yeah, you know, like that's how God sees us. If there is a God, then that means that we have been created, I mean right?"

"I guess so. What's your point?"

"Well, I guess what I'm driving at here is... We are either ants in God's sight and stuff just happens, or we were created for some reason. Why would God put emotions and junk like that into us and then just say buggar off?"

"Haha, yeah."

"It just seems kinda shotty, ya know?"

"You're funny."

"Hey, come on. I'm bein' serious here," I said, slightly annoyed.

"I'm just messin' with ya," she pinched me and laughed.

I sighed deeply in a mild state of depression and anxiety.

"I don't know. I just get this sense that somehow the world is just gonna end someday soon."

"Yeah, I know how ya feel about that. Things are pretty crazy these days!"

"Everything is just so messed up."

Her demeanor changed to one of slight sadness and anxiety.

"Yeah it is."

_Man, I could really go for sex again. All this talk is making both you and her nervous. It's pointless; nothing ever comes from these thoughts. Buggar this, I want to have sex again._ I did my best to stuff my conscience in the closet. _I think I can rise to meet the challenge_ , I told myself, _like James Bond_. My Russian alter-ego kicked in. _Da. Da._ _I will rise to meet the challenge. Don'_ _t blow it with all this God talk_ _. Bury these feelings now, man._ I shook myself out of thought and smiled at her.

"Well..." I said with a grin.

She smiled and looked relieved.

#

Unfortunately, Jennifer seemed to agree with me on just about everything we spoke about that night, which didn't bring me much comfort. No new ideologies. No new epiphanies. No relief. Nothing. My conscience still told me I was going to Hell in a hand basket because of the way I was living my life.
Chapter 5

I had enjoyed my time with Jennifer and she brought me a lot of comfort but I couldn't escape the guilty feelings caused by our encounters. No matter how hard I tried to shake the guilt, it was still there. This conscience of mine was driving me crazy. The melancholy I had only experienced when I was sober was now encroaching when I was under the influence.

I wanted to knife that danged conscience of mine to death and emerge victorious. I just wanted to be free from it so I could enjoy life, unhindered. I had noticed that being around Ivan in the past had helped me to forget this dilemma. So, subconsciously, I think I decided to hang out and party with Ivan as much as possible.

I found his utter disdain and contempt for society enticing. It seemed to me that he was right on about how stupid and blind people were. His ideology became my ideology: There was nothing better to do than get high and drunk, and enjoy the pleasures of life in this boxed-in, bureaucratic slave society that surrounded us.

Ivan would constantly speak of how we were going to do something to be "kings" in this world and all we had to do was grab the title when it presented itself. It was like Ivan could read my mind. Ivan said that we would change this world; that we would break free from this "@#$%." I liked this notion and believed "we" could do it together. As I saw it, doing something in the world would be easier with another person of like mind and ambitions. So, I gravitated towards Ivan because he was offering me glimpses of what my life could be like. Alex, on the other hand, wasn't offering anything—he was just doing his thing, spending his money, and pampering himself, and he was doing it often and without any thought of me. He was far more individualistic than I had believed.

Ivan became increasingly persistent in making sure I was always around him. He would call me repeatedly and would come to my apartment building and lie down on the buzzer for however long it took for me to answer, especially when I had been holed up with Jennifer. After all, I liked being "needed" and feeling valued. His antics got annoying, though, especially when I was hung-over and wanted to sleep in.

One morning Ivan made his presence known in this familiar way. My eyes jolted open at the abrupt sound of the buzzer. I was still lingering in the self-induced illness brought on by the previous evening.

BZZZZ. BZZZ. BZZZZ.

_What the heck._ I looked over to my stove clock. _Man, it's like ten a.m. It's so early._

BZZZZ. BZZZ. BZZZZ.

"Oh Man, dang you Ivan."

I got up, threw some clothes on and was reached for the intercom phone.

BZZZZZZZZ. Ivan continued to push down on the buzzer just before I picked up the intercom phone.

"Son of a gun!" I shouted.

Once is enough, Ivan, ya crazy communist jerk!

I picked up the phone.

"Yeah, man, what do you want!"

"LEEET MEEE IN CHUUUVAAAK!" He blared into the speakerphone.

I sighed as I clicked the door unlock button on my intercom. I scratched the back of my head and yawned. Ivan's footsteps echoed through the stairwell as he ran rapidly up them, higher and higher. I opened the door and he was already standing there.

"What's up?" I said in a groggy voice.

"Let's go to Belsize Park and see Alex."

"What, like now?"

"Yeah, man, now!"

"What the heck, dude, it's like ten a.m. I was out cold."

He lit a cigarette and blew it in my face intentionally.

"Come on, give me a break," I said as I waved the smoke away from my face.

"But you're being a idiiooot!"

"Me? How?" I said astonished.

How can he say that after blowing smoke directly in my face? Oh the heck with it, I don't have the energy to confront him right now.

"Yeah, fine—let's go."

"Da, pash liet," he said.

I put on my shoes and grabbed some cash.

"Ok, let's go."

We walked out into the hallway and down the stairs.

"So how was Air Force girl?" Ivan asked.

"It was nice, man. She took off yesterday, across the pond back to America."

"She had a big butt!"

"No she didn't!" I rebutted.

"Yes, bliet. She did!" Ivan stated vehemently.

_Stop calling me a whore!_ _Why is he always calling everyone a whore?_

"You really think so, man?"

Why do I care what he thinks?

"I know so!"

_What the heck. I like big butts. What's wrong with a big butt? More to grab._ "I would say it was a nice round butt, not a big, fat butt."

"Bliet, no. Big tits, small butt!"

"Huh?"

"That's real woman," Ivan said in his usual poor English.

"What, a woman with big tits and a small butt?"

"Yep."

"Ok, Ivan, whatever." I shook my head in annoyance.

Why do I hang out with this guy? He blows smoke in my face, insults women I like and have been with, and then acts like I'm a dumb idiot and don't know anything about what a real woman is. In all reality, sometimes I think he's lucky to have a friend.

"Give me a cigarette," I demanded.

"Ok, bloke," he said spitefully while widening his eyes and cocking his head.

Well, heck, I had fun with Jennifer. Even though I felt like moral trash every time I slept with her. Why do I feel so guilty about it? I think about biblical stuff too much. I sure as heck seem incapable of doing anything that book says. Dang man, why do I think about God and all that stuff? I'm sick of thinking about it all. Buggar it, just zone out.

"Do you have any grass?" I asked.

"Yeaah, man, but it's at my place."

"Well, let's go smoke at your place then."

"Ok," Ivan's brow lifted.

We walked a block up Gloucester Place to Ivan's hovel of an apartment building. It was dimly lit and always stunk inside. _I hate this place. There's always shady goons hanging out downstairs, too._ We walked up the first flight of stairs and into his apartment. _Man, this really makes my apartment building look palatial._

"You just leave it unlocked?"

"Yeah, nobody's gonna steal anything from me." He laughed as he slammed the door.

"Ok, if you say so."

Man, I haven't smoked in like a week. This is gonna be nice. Take the edge off all my thoughts on morality, that's for sure.

"Dude, you should, like, clean your place sometime. It's sooo dirty."

"No, man, that is why I got this place—so I can trash it up, you know," Ivan explained.

"Trash it up, hahaha, oh man... you're one crazy dude."

#

We stayed at Ivan's dingy place for a while where he made a gravity bong, which to put it mildly, is one of the most atomic bongs one can smoke weed from. I, of course, didn't know this because it was my first time smoking from one. Ivan filled the handmade bong with smoke after he told me it would mess me up, right proper. I inhaled it and felt absolute disorientation almost immediately. I coughed and coughed because I simply couldn't hold all the smoke in my lungs and eventually passed out in Ivan's filthy flat, on his stinking bed. I awoke some time later and was still completely stoned.

After that, we headed to Alex's place. I got into a bit of an argument with Ivan on the ride over. It was about money and how I was always paying for everything. It got a little too heated for my comfort, so I backed off. But I noticed one thing during the argument. Ivan had slipped up in speech and I saw that he, too, was vying for money, power, and the establishment of his dreams through Alex. This concerned me because I wanted to be the only one competing for Alex's ear.

I buzzed Alex's flat, then turned around and leaned my back up against the wall. I pulled out a cigarette and lit it. Man. I can't believe this little craappy friend of mine is trying to accomplish the same thing as me. What if he has better ideas than me? I got nervous thinking about my existence without Alex or my "breakthrough" in a slave-like existence in uninspiring America.

"Alio," Alex said through the intercom as I snapped back to reality.

"Yeah, man, we are here," Ivan blurted before I could say hello.

Alex electronically unlocked the outside door; we walked inside his building then ran up two flights of stairs. The door opened as we neared his flat.

"Hey guys," Alex said with a smile on his face.

"Hey, what's up, man? How ya been?" I said enthusiastically trying to forget the competition.

Don't act stoned. He doesn't like it when I'm stoned.

"Oh, good, very good," he proclaimed in his thick Russian accent.

"It's good to be good, then very good, ya know. So..."

Ivan cut me off. "Chuvaks da rova?"

Buggar off, Ivan.

"Atlitchno Vaness, kak del la?"

"Karasho, Stirlitz."

"Come in guys, you want a beer or something?"

Shoot, he may have a better chance at Alex's ear than I do. He is Russian, after all.

"Please, man, really bad," I said, nervous.

Don't focus on it. Just enjoy your time with Alex. He is still your friend, first and foremost. Maybe we can all rise to the top together. That would be better for everyone, anyway. Besides that, Ivan said "we" would be kings together. Yeah, that's better—kings together.

We walked up one set of stairs and then another set as we neared the second story of his apartment. Man, why couldn't we all have moved in together? "Dude, your place really is like a tree house," I said as I peered upwards.

"Seriously, Ben, I know, it's a crazy house, right," Alex said.

"Ha, yeah it is."

The stairs were a rounded maze that continued upwards, going higher and higher and higher until they reached the 4th floor.

"Dude, this place gives you the illusion that you can walk to Heaven."

"No, after a while you realize it only finishes at the roof," Alex said.

"Ah, I see" I said with a slight chuckle.

We finally made it to his living room, and looked inside his refrigerator in search of beer. The fridge was full of cheap British beer.

"Oh man, I hate this stuff. It's the worst British beer on the market," I said disappointedly.

"Yeah, I don't like the stuff either. I will have orange juice instead," Alex said as he jabbed me in the side.

"Ow, you jerk."

"Come on, don't be a girl."

Ivan interrupted.

"Chuuuvak, come on maaan, let's drink a beer." He shifted his eyes back and forth expectantly from me to Alex.

"Ok," I said, "it's not that I'm opposed to that, Ivan, but I am opposed to drinking this poison on an already bad hangover. Let's go down the street and look for a pub. I want to get a good pint of beer."

"Ja, ja. Hefe-Weizen beer," Alex said.

"Ja, ja. Alles gut," I shouted like a German soccer announcer holding my hands over my head and dancing.

"Dat's right, den we can go to get some curry at the Indian restaurant," he said in a near-perfect Indian accent.

I broke into laughter.

"Ya know, for a Russian..." I laughed. "You have a awesome Indian accent."

"Thank you beeerry much," he re-butted, this time awkwardly, trying too hard to impress with his accent.

Always good to see that I am not the only one who is a goof.

"Shoot, man, I missed you, bro."

I hugged Alex with a few firm pats on the back.

"Yeah, man. It's been awhile," Alex said as he put his hand on my shoulder.

I scanned the room but didn't see Ivan.

"Where did Ivan go, by the way?"

"Vaness?" Alex shouted through his house.

"Yeaah, bliet."

"Where are you?"

"I'm taking a poop, dude."

Alex just grinned.

"Oh come on, Alex, He's not taking a poop, he's probably snorting a line."

"Ha, da, Ben, da," he nodded his head in agreement.

Out of nowhere, I said, "Oh man, I don't know. I feel kinda sick and I think I might have Aids."

"Yeah, why?" he said slightly annoyed.

"I don't know, man. Ever since I was with that Air Force chick I just feel kinda bad, both physically and emotionally."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah? The symptoms appeared fast, huh?" Alex looked concerned then changed demeanor.

He continued,

"Well, that's probably because you're a stupid sheep," he said in a mean, almost jerk-ish voice.

"Hey what the hecks that supposed to mean?"

"Look at you, you American, you have sheep hair."

"What?"

"You fake blond, crazy-haired American! Yes, you are a sheep, an American sheep, who sleeps with girls with big butts!"

I looked at Alex in shock.

"Oh, yes. Ivan told me," he said, moving his fist in a pounding motion, squinting up his face.

"Well, you're a communist and her butt wasn't that big. It was just deliciously round!" I said, shaking my finger at him and starting to laugh.

"Oh, yeah? Yeah, you think so?" he said in a deep voice, trying not to break a smile.

"Yeah, I know so," I smirked.

"Ok, I can live with dat." He reverted back into his Indian accent while holding his finger in the air.

We both laughed a bit, then Ivan suddenly appeared. Way to ruin all the moments. I never get to spend time with him by myself because your crazy butt is always crashing the party.

"Pash liet, bliet," Ivan blurted. He abruptly left the room and walked down to the entry area.

"I guess we're going now," I said while rolling my eyes, annoyed at how we always do what Ivan wants whenever he wants.

"Yes, it appears that way." Alex nodded unenthusiastically.

We followed after Ivan, left Alex's place and walked down the street.

"Yeah, man. There is a pub right at the corner of this street," Alex said.

"Lead the way, man."

We walked down the street, into the pub and up to the bar.

"Do you have weisse beer?" I asked.

"Only in a bottle," the bartender said.

"Dang it, well, ok. I guess I'll take that."

The barman looked a little perturbed, as though I was being too particular.

"Fair enough, eh?" he said.

Another barman with an attitude. Nice.

"Yeah, fair enough," I grinned.

He sat the beer on the bar, I gave him four one-pound coins and thanked him.

I waited for Ivan and Alex to get their beers so we could sit down, but by the time they got their beers I had already finished more than half of mine. I leaned back up against the counter.

"Hey, man, can I get another one?"

"Same?"

"Yeah."

"Ok."

Alex stared at me with amusement and a slight smile on his face.

"Ben, I take it back. You're not a sheep. You're a camel."

"Now that's a true statement. I don't know why I am capable of drinking so much fluid in a day. Kidneys of steel, man, kidneys of steel."

Ivan lit a cigarette and looked pretty content being in the smoke-filled pub. I always liked it, too.

"Cheers, mate," the bartender said with little emotion.

"Thanks..." Don't say bloke. "Man."

I've never had the sudden urge to say bloke before. This dang country! We all sat down. Alex leaned over the table and looked Ivan in the eyes.

"Ivan, what have you been up to? Raaaving?" Ivan's face answered in the affirmative. "Still pill-popping, I see. Good, good. Now you can mess your round head up even more!"

I nearly spit the beer out of my mouth as I laughed out loud. He does have a round head.

"Yeah, man," I said, "I've done a little bit of that stuff, too. It's crazy, dude. I'll definitely say it's more of a dessert than a staple diet. If you know what I mean."

"You dang druggies."

"Hey, man, relax. I'm no druggie. What? You never pill-popped before, Mr. Self Righteous?"

I have been doing a lot of drugs lately. Still it doesn't make me a druggie. Just keep it to yourself. I already feel bad enough about it, as it is. The last thing I need is Alex giving me a load of grief about it.

"This is not about my past drug use this..." He stopped then displayed a wide smile. "This is about Ivan's fat, round head and your American sheep butt," he said in his typical machismo Russian accent.

"Ok, well, let's drink to that then," I said nonchalantly.

"Ah, good," Alex proclaimed happily. "Yes, we'll drink to that."

We all toasted. Only Ivan did it intentionally too hard, splashing some of his beer into Alex's pint glass.

"More for you, Alex," I said.

"Vaness, votsuka," Alex glared at Ivan.

Ivan laughed loudly and coughed a bit at the same time.

"Dude, you've got a smoker's hack when you laugh."

He coughed some more and intermittently kept hacking while he laughed.

"Yeaah..." He kept hacking away while pointing his finger at me.

"So Ivan, how the heck did you pull that off back in boarding school?" I asked.

"Whaaat?" he said as he took a swig.

"Well, getting kicked out for one, selling drugs to the students. That would have to be number two, and then getting your diploma, that's three."

Alex shook his head in disapproval.

"Yeah, man, I still don't understand how this is possible, unless you like bought your diploma. Which by the way, is what I'm thinking of doing for this college junk." He started laughing.

He would actually do that. Maybe he would get me one, too.

"Dude, you crack me up," I said.

"I crack myself up, too."

Ivan situated himself on the barstool, pulled out another cigarette and lit it. He began to relay his story in his typically tripped-out manner.

"So, it's siiimple. When I got kicked out, I went to Zurich to paaarty! I went to some raaaves and met some peeeople, I did lots of drugs with the peeeople. I bought some weed from them and went back to the village and sold it to students. I had the supply and they had the demand. I just kept making the trips to Zurich. I partied and re-supplied in Zurich and would go back to the school and rip off the students there. So my parents thought I was in school the whole time because I didn't go back to Russia. By the way, when my father comes, please don't mention all of this."

He winked and then continued on.

"So yeaah, man, I stayed at Mark's house."

"Who's Mark?" I said.

"Just a friend who lives in there. He was a day student but he lived alone."

"Oh, ok."

"Yeah man... but... Seriously, I made so much money off those idiots at the school."

I could tell Ivan was deriving great pleasure from his exploits.

"You're a crazy guy, Vaness," Alex spurted.

"No, man, I was thee smart guy."

"Maybe, maybe." Alex rolled his eyes and shook his head.

"So then what, man?" I asked.

"Yeah, maaan, so, I convinced them when they kicked me out to at least give me a regular diploma. I was full IB, so of course they did. They sent it to my parents when the school year was out."

"What the heck, man," I said, astonished. "I wish they would have done that for me. They basically stole a ton of money from my parents each time I left and I didn't get anything out of it."

"Really?" Alex looked disappointed.

"Those people were real wankers, man. I guess that's their version of natural selection—Ivan at the top of the food chain, who would have thought?" I smiled at Ivan.

"No offense, man... Well, how long did all this go on, anyway?"

"Six months, maaan, and no one ever knew, not even my own parents. I even went to graduation with my parents and they still didn't know."

"Man, that's out of this world."

"It is, man, it izz," he shouted exuberantly with a big smile on his face.

"But you understaaand, don't you?" he pointed at me wildly, then Alex.

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"Yeah, Ivan, what the heck are you talking about?" Alex said.

"No, you don't understand, you see!"

#

I had no idea what he was speaking about at the time, but what Ivan had said that day would later make sense to me and lead me down the path of near-total destruction.
Chapter 6

"Take a ten-minute cancer break," our instructor remarked snidely.

_Oh, thank God._ I leaned back in my chair and stretched my arms above my head. _I deserve a beer after this, that's for sure. Man, I hate studying for this worthless junk. I wonder if Alex is still struggling with school._

"What an ADD person, that guy," I whispered to myself.

I got up and walked out of the classroom, into the hallway, and then outdoors. It was chilly outside. The trees were swaying back and forth gently in the breeze. I looked out at the manicured gardens and then over to the ivy covered, red brick of the main college building.

"I will say one thing, this is a nice school at least," I said to myself.

Smack dab in the middle of Regent's Park. I felt chic just being here. I leaned back against the wall of the foundation course building. _I'm pretty lethargic right now. Shoot. What am I doing with my life? It seems like I am just waiting around for Alex._

"Hey, man, can I bum a cigg?" said a voice with a strong German accent.

I looked to my left and saw Theo standing there. _Cool guy. Branch out and make some new friends, Ben. Network a little._

"Uh yeah, for sure, dude."

"Oh thanks, man, I always run out."

"No worries."

I pulled out my pack, opened it and let him pull one out.

"So, Theo, uh, what are you doing after class?" I said in a monotone voice.

"I don't know, I was just gonna go home and hang out with my girlfriend."

"Nah, man, don't do that. Let's go to the Globe and drink some beers outside before it gets too cold."

"Ja, actually that sounds really nice."

I pulled out a cigarette and lit it. _Man, I get anxious if I sit in class to long. I can't stand the same old boring stuff all the time._

"Hey, man, do you know vere Ivan is?" Theo asked.

"Uh, he should be around here somewhere."

"Ja, ok, but I haven't seen him."

"Why, what's up?"

"Well, he owes me fifty pounds."

"Oh, I know how that is, trust me. Ivan owes me plenty, too." _Five times that!_

"Yeah, but the problem is I don't have any cash on me."

"Hey, no worries, bro. I got you covered if you don't find him."

"Oh super, man."

"I'm superman?"

"No, huh? What are you talking about?" Theo looked at me confused.

"Sorry, just being a fag. Sounded funnier in my head."

He smirked and chuckled a bit.

"I didn't know Germans laughed."

Theo grinned.

"Ja, man, come on. They don't, but I'm from Bremen and people are cool in Bremen."

"Well, I do like cool people. I'll try to pass through there sometime."

"Ja, man, you should come to my house there. It's better with the locals, you know. I'll take you to some bars and clubs, and we'll get you a nice girl from Bremen. We'll have a cool time."

"Awesome, man, you give me no reason not to go. I mean that, seriously. I'm so, so ready to get off this island already. I miss the Continent, a lot."

"Ja, man, I know how you feel. This island stinks sometime."

I took a large drag off my cigarette and tried to blow smoke rings, unsuccessfully. I looked over at Theo and watched him blow three rings perfectly which quickly disappeared in the breeze. _Dang it, I fail at life._ I sighed.

"I hate that tosser, as the Brits say."

"Who? You mean zee teacher?"

"Yeah, man. He's so cheeky."

"Ja, man, he's just an old jerk with nussin better to do than tell us all his bull."

"True that, most teachers are like that," I said.

I took a deep breath and sighed.

"I don't know, man. I can't wait to get the outta here and grab a beer."

"Ja, it's good you invited me out, I didn't really want to go home to the girlfriend, just yet, anyway."

I wonder if he has any grass. I'd like to smoke today.

"Hey Theo?"

"Ja, man."

"You smoke any grass, bro?"

"Ja, sometimes but not that much anymore. I used to smoke more at Cambridge."

"Oh man. You went to Cambridge?"

"No, man, not Cambridge proper, but there was another school there I went to. But I messed up there. I did too much ecstasy in Cambridge. That's why I'm here now."

"What's too much in your mind?"

"How much I did," he said with a wide smile.

"Doesn't that mess with your head in the long run, though?"

"Ja, man, it really messed with mine." He laughed.

"Well, shoot, man, I guess you're in better shape than most of us in here."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, you messed up at Cambridge, which sounds like a better school than here. But now you're here."

"Ja, so?" he stared at me in a confused state.

"Well, what I mean to say is; at least you had the ability to mess yourself up in Cambridge and only now have you ended up with this lot of misfits in the foundation course."

"Ja, man, that's really true, I never thought about it like that."

"So, in essence, you were smarter, but now you're just one of us."

"Ha, ja, man. Ja, well, it's good to be here with you."

"Cheers to that."

Theo looked around and saw all the Russians and Arabs ending their smoke break and following one another back inside.

"We should probably get back to class, Ben."

"Yeah, we probably should, but I'm gonna smoke another cigarette."

"Ok, man, I'll see you in a bit then."

"Hey... Just tell that wanker I went and got something to eat."

"Ok, man."

I watched Theo with his long blond hair, square face, and unusually jovial swagger open the door with all his weight; he pulled his hair back as he entered the building and had a perturbed look on his face.

"Yeah, man, I know how you feel," I muttered to myself.

I lit another cigarette and walked away from the foundation building. I headed another two hundred feet or so towards the college gardens then looked across the fence that separated the college gardens from the main park. I wanted to be out there. Free, with no restrictions.

"I just want to do something I'm good at," I said, slightly depressed.

What are you good at?

"I don't know," I said, frustrated.

Why in the heck do people have to be slaves? Do this, do that! I mean, what the heck! Why can't I just hop this fence and never come back? Oh yeah, because then I'd be a loser; a college dropout with no future.

"This society." I kicked the fence out of anger.

_What the heck, God? Why would you create this stuff and then allow it to get like this?_ I took a deep breath then exhaled. I gazed at my cigarette. _Almost finished_.

I took two big drags and flicked it over the fence. Felt nice to litter. I walked slowly back to the foundation building and joined the class quietly in the back. _Well, at least that cheeky teacher didn't comment on my lack of punctuality. I'm sick of his perspectives on how my life should be run and what I'm not living up to._ _What a punk, anyway. I'm sure when he was a kid this is really what he saw himself doing. Hypocrite._ I zoned out for a bit.

I wished Alex would get his act together so we could start a business and I could get on with my life. In the meantime, I had to listen to some junk I wouldn't remember three years from now, and then they would give me a piece of paper that enabled me to make more money because I had the perseverance to sit through so much of their junk. _Amazing how man has progressed. We're really at the peak of greatness._

"Ben, what do you think?"

"Uh," I said as I lifted my head and looked at the teacher.

"Are you with us?" he said

"As a matter of fact, not at all," I shook my head and grinned.

I saw in my periphery Theo and another guy cracking up.

"Right," he said sarcastically.

The teacher looked around the room and found some other unsuspecting prey to torment. _I'll have none of it today. I have issues bigger than your bull. I really need to quit smoking grass so much. But what else is there to do? Just drink beer._ Suddenly I began to crave both. The postponed desire of it all began to drive me crazy. I bit my nails and fidgeted in my seat for a while, and then anxiety got a hold of me. The very thing I felt I should get away from was what I was craving. _Come on, man, you're young, you gotta do this. It's the time to do this._ I tried reassuring myself of this even though it ground against my conscience.

The next hour passed by with unsurprising boredom. I met Theo outside after class.

"I wonder where the heck Ivan is," I said, perplexed.

If he was here I'd for sure get a joint.

"Ja, he's normally here."

"I know, it's kinda strange. How many days have you missed by the way?"

"Like five since the start."

"Not bad. Seven for me. A hangover is an illness, right?"

"Ja, the worst form of illness."

"Extreme happiness followed by extreme sadness."

"Haha, ja, that's exactly the way it is. You're a philosopher, man!"

I grinned.

"Well?"

We began walking towards the outer circle of the park.

"Ja, it's total bull, man. They should just let us into the real college."

"No kidding, bro, no kidding. If we fail there, we fail, big whoop. But heck, it's still less complicated in a lot of ways than the bloody hoops you have to jump through to get into a good school at an American uni."

"Ja, I know all that SAT stuff, man."

"My point precisely. No, but seriously, man, that doesn't mean one thing if you ace that test. You're just more understanding of the junk they promote. More of a zombie, ya know. That doesn't measure intelligence."

"Ja, I think you are right, man."

"Good to know I'm not alone. I mean, that's one of the reasons I came over here. It doesn't even matter if I took the SAT here."

"Ja, you're like the only American guy in the whole college except for the exchange students. But they are just a bunch of tourists."

"Yeah, I know. I really feel like I'm more European at heart than anything. I just don't know what type of European. Can I just be European?"

"Ja, I think so. That's why they have the EU now." Theo smiled.

"Well, I wish it were for people like me. I mean really they should give away free citizenship to Americans who want to live over here. Heck, the majority of us originate in Europe, anyway. I mean I am British, Austrian, and Swedish-Finnish."

"Ja, but I don't think they will do this."

"I know, wishful thinking, right?"

We continued walking towards Marylebone Road, then past Madame Tussaudes, through the underground crosswalk and over to the Globe pub. _Man, why am I getting so anxious these days? I just feel like something's not right within me. But what's not right? Stop asking all these questions and have some fun. You're always thinking about this conscientious God stuff. Just stuff it and move forward._

"Hey, man, you should try this Russian beer. It's called Baltika. Really it's not bad at all."

"No thanks, man. I like Becks."

"Becks? Why?"

"Man, cause it is from Bremen."

"Is that really a reason to like a beer?"

"Yeah, man, it's my city's beer. I have to like it," he stated in a jovial manner.

"Ok, suit yourself," I said as I laughed at him.

Theo looked a little annoyed. _He does take his Beck's seriously. Dang, I'd better just drop it._ We arrived at the Globe. I ordered a Baltika number three and Theo ordered his Becks. I followed Theo outside. I watched him swagger to a table. _Man, this guy is kinda goofy, in a pleasantly funny kinda way. What a character! Why does he walk like that? Maybe too much E offset his motor skills._

"Ohh," I groaned as I sat down.

"Ja, man."

"I'm so tired of school already, bro, and it's only a little over a month into it."

"Ja, this is boring stuff were studying right now."

The last thing I wanna talk about is school.

"Well, buggar all that, man. Cheers to your civic pride, you Beck's-drinking kraut."

He saw my sense of humor.

"Ja, I'll drink to Beck's," he smiled.

I took a couple of massive gulps from my beer.

"Dang, that's nice."

I sat there for a few minutes waiting for the beer to kick in to curb my uneasiness and forget about the day.

"Oh yeah, man, the relaxation bubbles are a kickin' in," I said as I stretched my hands over my head.

"Haha, you're a cool guy, Ben."

"I try, man."

Really I do try a lot, at times.

"Well, you're pretty cool yourself, Theo!"

"Cheers, man."

"So, you do much traveling?"

"Ibiza, man, that's ver it's at."

"Yeah, I've heard that a lot lately. Well, at least since I got to London."

"Ja, man, it's great girls, hot music, and dancing." Theo paused and looked contemplative.

"No, I mean great music, hot girls, and dancing."

"Ha, cool."

So, that's the long-term effects of E.

"Also, I go to Paraguay every year."

"Paraguay? What for?"

"Ja, well, my grandfather bought a ranch down there back in the forties."

"What, did he die?"

"Ja, a while back. He died down there but now it's my dad's ranch."

"Sweet, well..."

What the heck! German bought a ranch in the forties! World War II! Nazis! Ranch in Paraguay! Holy @#$%!

"Dude, can I ask you a question?"

"Ja, I guess so," he said reluctantly, frowning.

Nah, don't ask that. I think he just gave it away.

"You want another beer?" I said as I slapped my hands down on the table.

His countenance lifted. "Ja, man, another Beck's, please."

"Really, dude, branch out," I shook my head at him as I walked back to the bar.

I walked inside the globe. _I feel like getting really drunk today._ I ordered two of his beers and two of my Baltikas. I paid for the beers and headed back outside. _Could his grandfather have been a Nazi? That'd be some crazy, crazy stuff if he was._ I sat back down at our picnic table.

"Yeah, man, I'm serious—I'd like to come check out Bremen sometime. It was when you mentioned the German girls, that's definitely what did it for me. I've always wanted to date or sleep with a German girl."

"Ja, for sure, I can understand that. Broadening cultural horizons, right? Besides that, you would still have fun."

"I know I would."

I toasted him.

We continued to drink for hours at the Globe, until a little after dark.

"Well, I got to go. Eva is waiting for me," Theo said.

"That your girlfriend?"

"Ja, man."

"Well, cool, dude. I had fun."

"Ja, for sure, man. Me, too! I'll see you at school tomorrow."

"No, you won't."

"Ja, you're right. I probably won't be there, either." He laughed. He ran across the street. I watched him disappear into the Tube station at Baker Street.

Chapter 7

After Theo left I decided to go to the college to see if anyone had any grass. I breezed through the lobby and then the courtyard and then ran downstairs and entered the bar. I saw Solomon the bartender, and then my eyes fixated on Ivan who was sitting opposite Solomon. _Oh, thank God!_

"Ivan," I shouted happily, knowing he would have some weed.

"Hey, maaan!" he shouted jubilantly.

I walked over to the bar and sat down next to him.

"Where were you today?"

"Maaan, it was craaaaazy."

"What was?"

"The raaave, bleit."

"Ah, I get it."

"Get whaaat?"

"Why you weren't in class."

"Maaan, I wasn't in class because I was still on acid this morning." He laughed hysterically as he leaned up against the bar.

He for sure has some grass.

"Man, everyone was a kangaroo, hopping around like dumb idiots, you know... Boing, boing, boing..." he continued loudly.

Looks like you'll be getting high tonight, Mr. Benjamin.

He stopped talking and gave me a wild and penetrating look, swaying back and forth on his stool. I couldn't help but crack a smile.

"Ahhahahahaha!" He laughed loudly, slipped off the bar stool, and fell on the floor.

This is awesome. He certainly keeps me entertained. Solomon, the barman, watched Ivan pick himself up off the floor, looked at me with a big smile and shook his head with great amusement. Solomon's smile said it all. Priceless.

"Hahahaha, dude, you're still jacked, aren't you?" I said.

"Yeaah, maaan!" He shouted as he situated himself on the stool.

"Man, but thaaat's the proper stuuuufff," he said in his tripped-out accent while pointing at me.

What is he talking about now?

He just stared blankly at the counter top with an odd smirk and continued to sway.

"Ivan, you ok, dude?"

"But you see, man, now I really got it." He said slapping his hands down on the bar while turning to me.

"What the heck are you talking about, man?"

"I got it. But you don't see it!" He sniggered loudly, staring at me in a hypnotic manner.

I hate it when he does his uber-crazy Hitler eyes like that and what the heck is he talking about, anyway? Just ignore it and he'll bust out a spliff soon.

#

It was around that time that I realized I had a real drug and alcohol problem, yet I continued to smoke grass and drink heavily because I had become used to and dependent on them for my peace of mind. I had become a slave to the very things that I hoped would liberate me from the temporal slavery I was experiencing.

One day in early November, Ivan and I were waiting for some of his friends to come to London from Switzerland. The two guys names were Roman and Igor. Both of them had been to our boarding school and both of them shared our ideology, to party and "be free." So upon their arrival Ivan proceeded to tell us that he had gained possession of a copious amount of hard drugs. I initially delighted in this. In the course of a single evening I snorted and drank so much of the stuff I ended up nearly dying. When I told Ivan, Roman, and Igor how scared I was and how deathly I felt, they just laughed at me. They couldn't have cared less. That night felt like I was in some sort of Hell on Earth.

I spent the next few days just trying to get myself to feel better. I didn't call anyone and I didn't pick up any phone calls. During those days of reflection I began to notice two things. The first was that I needed to slow down my partying and get some clarity of thought, even if it meant facing my conscience and existential questions. I needed to put my priorities in line and simplify my life. I put the acceleration of my dreams on the back burner of my mind. I also realized that Ivan had gotten me addicted to drugs, and so I started to loathe him for it. The more I thought back on my time with Ivan, the more it seemed like he had done it intentionally. In my soul I knew something was awry and I made a decision to spend less time with Ivan—a lot less.
Chapter 8

One day in mid-November, Alex called me and asked me to meet up with him. So, I immediately grabbed a taxi and drove towards Belsize Park to meet at our favorite Italian restaurant. I arrived at the restaurant, paid the driver, and headed for the entrance. I peered through the windows of the restaurant and saw Alex sitting inside.

"I can't believe that lazy guy beat me here," I thought as I opened the door.

I walked inside and towards his table.

"Hey, bro. What's up?"

"Nothing," Alex said, slightly depressed.

"Well, apart from nothing what's been going on?"

"Oh, man. I think I am going to fail."

"What, school?"

"Yeah, man, I can't study."

"What do you mean?"

"I just can't! I think I'm ADD like you Americans or something!"

"Hey, well, you're in good company there. I think I might be, too."

"Yeah, but you're a sheep, Ben, and you're American, so of course you have ADD. It just makes sense."

"There you go, raggin' on the American again," I said jokingly.

Alex just stared at his glass with a long face.

"What's really wrong, man? I've never seen you this bummed," I said.

"I don't know, man, I don't know. If my father finds out I messed this up... I just don't know."

"Well, yeah, I can understand that—but people expect too much from their kids, ya know? I mean our society is so achievement-based. I mean, don't be all pressured into this school stuff just because someone says you should do it. It's not like anyone really has the answers to anything, anyway."

Alex looked up and glared at me with annoyance. _Ok, so he doesn't want to tell his oligarch father to buggar off. Dang, I should have known better._

I scanned the room, looking for the waitress.

Man, I gotta get outta London to think about what's going on. All this substance abuse is killing you, man...

"Alex, I think I'm gonna like go to Switzerland to school or something. This London stuff ain't for me."

"Yeah, why?" He said pessimistically.

"I don't know, man. I just want to slow things down some. Get more active—ski, hike, marry a nice Swiss girl, ya know? Just stay there forever."

Alex covered his face with his hand in frustration.

"Ben. To heck with you," he spurted.

"Why?" I said perplexed.

"So now you're gonna go to Switzerland and stop shrooming and smoking weed. Then you're gonna marry Heidi and live happily ever after?"

"I'm serious, man, why not?"

"Please, bliet. Ben, what the heck?"

"No, seriously, man, why not? I want something wholesome, something good, man. Switzerland is a place that I feel I have a shot at that."

"You would get so bored in Switzerland, man."

"No way, man, I love Switzerland. It's like Heaven on Earth."

"Heaven on Earth, my butt."

"Dude, you got some poo-stained glasses on if you think that. "

"Ok, Ben, go have your Heidi."

"I might do that," I said, feeling perturbed.

The waitress finally walked up.

"Can I get you sumfthing to drink?" she said in a Portuguese accent.

"Coke," Alex said.

"Yeah, orange juice, Coke, and a San Pelligrino. Also, could I just order now? I'm starving."

"Sure," she said, smiling.

"Just a Spaghetti Carbonara and asparagus with parmesan."

"And for you, sir?"

"Spaghetti Bolognais," Alex said.

Meanwhile, I was wondering, _why does Alex have to give me so much grief? He doesn't know how many drugs I have done in this dang city. Nothing is working out at all like I'd planned. I came over here to go to school with him. That didn't happen and now I'm hanging out with Ivan, whom I am beginning to disdain. What the heck are you doing here, anyway? Nothing is happening with Alex. He is always off doing who-knows-what while I am getting high with Ivan. I'm not even in the proper college yet and now I am addicted to drugs on top of the booze. If it's not working, just leave! Why would I stay and subject myself to this bad dynamic any longer? Plus, it's way cheaper and more beautiful in Switzerland. I'd be a king there compared to what I spend here. Oh, man. One thing is for certain, I am not getting into this with Alex again until he has a more soulically sunny day. He thinks his rich butt is under pressure, he doesn't know the..._

"Ben?" Alex shouted at me.

"Huh? Yeah, man, what's up?" I shook myself back to reality.

"Have you been smoking today?"

"No, man."

"You act stoned."

"No, I'm not."

I wish I was. I wonder where Ivan is? He'd have grass. No don't think about him. Don't call him. Take a big break from that guy. That was too messed up a night for me.

"Ok, if you say so." He looked at me suspiciously.

"Trust me, man, I'm not stoned."

"So, what is Ivan doing?" Alex said.

"Oh, same old stuff. Only he is actually doing well in school. Unlike us."

"Really?"

"Yeah, crazy, right?"

"Man, his brain should be gone by now, so why is he doing better than both of us?" Alex said.

"I have no idea why. He's done so much E, acid, and shrooms, I don't know how he's even alive. The guy is like a machine. Insert drugs here to keep machine moving, right?"

Alex shook his head in disbelief.

"Man, I worry about him, you know. He was never this bad in Switzerland. He like changed or something... It's weird," Alex said.

"Yeah, man, I don't know what his deal is."

I took a deep breath.

"Ah, the heck with him. I don't even want to think about it right now. I mean, that's just kinda where I'm at these days."

"Anyways, what about Igor and Roman? Did you talk to them?" Alex asked.

"Not Roman, but I did talk to Igor. He told me to tell you, and I quote, 'Hi.'"

Alex smirked and let out a slight chuckle.

"Ha. Man, we all got so trashed when they were here. It was fun. You know, good drunk fun, not good shrooming-stoned fun. Da, Ben?"

"Ha. I know, man, it was a pretty fun night. Too much vodka for me, though."

"Yes, it was a very fun night. By the way—be a man," Alex fired back.

I looked at Alex and shook my head. _Man, you don't know the half of it. I'm so glad he didn't see me so jacked up on coke and MDMA the next day. That was scary how much I did. Oh, it felt like I was gonna die. Dang it, you idiot._ I wanted to hit myself. Why couldn't I be a little more wise?

"We should do it again sometime," Alex said.

"Yeah, man."

Just not anytime soon!

During the meal Ivan rang Alex's phone. I was still resentful towards him and had only spoken to him in passing because of the events that transpired a few weeks before. However, one thing led to another and I got sucked into joining Ivan, Alex, and Ivan's brother, Alexander, for a drinking party that evening. The party ended up happening at my place, which I hadn't wanted but I didn't have the emotional energy to object when they came running up my stairs with bags full of vodka and chasers.

The party started and we put on some psychedelic trance music and toasted to things we loved until all of us were plenty drunk. Ivan began dancing wildly around my room the more messed up he became the crazier he got.

"Whoooo," Ivan shouted as he continued dancing.

His long black hair, drenched in sweat, continued batting him in the face while he danced. I looked around my room. _Shoot, my place is getting trashed._ I heard a crash and swiftly focused my attention on Ivan. He was on the floor laughing while trying to stand back up. I looked at some empty vodka bottles roll off the table. _He must have bumped it._

"Hey please be careful, man," I shouted over the music at him.

"Chill, duuude," he said as he pulled himself to his feet.

Suddenly, I heard a loud banging at the door. "Oh, man," I muttered to myself. I turned down the music and went to the door.

A women with an Eastern European accent angrily shouted at me.

"Can you please be quiet! I'm trying to sleep!"

_Wow, she's angry._ Ivan came to the door and glared at her.

"@#$% you," he shouted.

"Vaness," Alex shouted in a chastising tone.

Alex came to the door.

"He's a bit drunk. Don't worry, we'll handle it," he said in a kind manner trying to still her nerves.

"Yeah, he definitely is," I reassured her, laughing nervously.

"Just be quiet," she said in a moody tone.

I shut the door.

"Votsuka," Alex shouted.

"Who the heck does she think she is just coming here and being a suka. She could have just asked politely, you know."

"Yeaah, maaan," Ivan said in agreement.

_I wonder if I'm gonna get into some sort of trouble for something that I didn't want to happen in the first place. Seems likely!_ Ivan stumbled over to the CD player and turned the music on full blast.

"To heeeeckkk wiiithhh youuu!" he shouted at the top of his lungs.

Ohh man! This guy is really getting on my nerves and this is getting out of control. Just get him outta your place.

"Ok guys. Let's go somewhere else," I said.

"Bliet, no, we stay here. @#$% that Serbian chick," Ivan yelled.

"Come on, man, let's go," I said full of frustration.

Ivan ignored my comment. He started to dance again but stumbled backwards and bumped into my table. I watched as empty Red Bull cans fell to the ground.

"Dude, please be careful."

"Maaan, reeelaaax." He stumbled towards me a bit with his arms wide open, as if to hug me.

Disrespect equals no respect. I am done with being nice. I've had enough of this guy.

"Whatever, man," I moved away from his hug.

I heard another loud knock at the door. _Oh for crying out loud, what now?_ I turned down the music and opened it.

"I'm calling the police," she viciously shouted at me.

I shrunk back. She was so violent in speech. _What the heck? You didn't even give me a second to deal with this_. Alex pushed me aside and got in the girl's face, shouting at her in a booming and aggressive manner.

"Who the heck do you think you are? I told you I would handle it. But you didn't even give us a minute."

_Wow! He's like a roaring lion._ She backed away from my door, completely shocked and terrified. She continued backing up and headed for her apartment. Alex followed after her. _Yep. This is exactly what I didn't want to have happen._

"Oh, man," I said.

I peered out the door watching to see what Alex would do next.

"Look. I frigging told you, I'll handle it!" he shouted at her again. "Why the heck can't you just chill out!"

"I'm calling the police," she rebutted nervously.

She opened her door, stood behind it, glared at Alex with nasty eyes and then tried to slam the door on him. Alex wedged his foot in her door as she attempted to shut it and looked her directly in the eye. Her eyes widened with terror.

"Not so cool now, huh?" he shouted angrily at her.

_HOLY @#$%! OH MAN! What's happening here?_ Alex yanked his foot out of the door. She quickly slammed and locked it.

"@#$% you," he shouted as he kicked her door.

Alex turned around with a big smile on his face and winked at me. I took a deep breath, thankful that the confrontation was over and shook my head in disbelief.

"Holy @#$%, man, I thought you were like, gonna whoop her butt or something."

He squinted his face and did some pounding motions into his right hand.

"No, Ben, she just needed to have a frightening!" he said in a deep and manly Russian accent.

I broke into hysterical laughter.

"We should probably leave, man," I said nodding my head in agreement with myself.

"Yeah, but first we drink a couple more," he said jubilantly as he clapped his hands together.

I sighed out of relief.

"Shoot, man, couldn't actually agree with you more."

Ivan turned up the music full blast again then immediately fell backwards onto the floor. I looked over at Alexander. He was passed out on the bed with his mouth wide open. I surveyed the damage and then noticed how much smoke was in my place. _Whoa._ I opened the window. Alex grabbed two shot glasses and started to pour our drinks on my kitchen counter. _Dang straight, don't pour that crazy guy one._ I watched Ivan stand back up. He looked at the two shot glasses. I could tell he was angry that Alex wasn't including him. Ivan then tried to dance again, unsuccessfully. He quickly stumbled backwards, slammed into the table, and knocked orange juice onto my carpet.

"You total jerk, I've had enough of your ways!" I shouted at him.

He propped himself up on the table, and then put both his hands in the middle of it.

"Youuuu are the jerk!" he shouted, then glared at me with an evil smile on his face.

He pushed swiftly outward with both hands, flinging everything off of the table with lightning speed. _I can't believe this is happening._ Orange juice, tomato juice, and vodka flew across the room.

"Ivan, you jerk!" I shouted in rage.

"Vaness, you're a real jerk!" Alex shouted at him. He looked at me.

"I'm really sorry, Ben, I'll help you clean up."

Alex and I started to pick up all the objects that Ivan had knocked off the table. I was dabbing up the tomato juice spill when suddenly I felt liquid pour down my forehead and clothes. I could smell the stench of vodka. _No way, he didn't!_ I jumped to my feet. _I'm gonna kick this guy's butt!_

"Dang it man! What the heck?" I screamed at the top of my voice.

The vodka began to burn my eyes. I closed my eyes and stumbled to the kitchenette where I grabbed a towel and wiped my face off with it. I quickly brushed the towel through my hair so it would dry quicker.

"What, Ben? What?" Alex said confused.

"He just poured vodka all over my head."

I just stared at Alex, shaking with anger. He stared back at me in bewilderment for a moment and then tensed up as he moved towards Ivan.

"VAANEEESSS!" Alex screamed at the top of his lungs.

Alex flew into a rage, grabbed Ivan with all his might, threw him on the ground and then proceeded to grab him by his feet. He forcefully dragged him into the hallway as I held the door open.

"Move, Ben," Alex said with a sense of urgency.

I ran down the stairs quickly and looked up at Alex. I stared at his face. _I've never seen him so furious before._ Alex got a better grasp on Ivan's feet and then began to drag him fiercely down the stone steps, which were studded with metal traction teeth. I watched as Alex dragged him, scraping his back along every concrete step all the way to the bottom.

Ivan screamed in agony. "CHUUUUVAAAAAAK!"

Holy @#$%, man!" I shouted.

_This is unbelievable._ I put my hands on my head. _I can't believe this._ Ivan kept screaming in agonizing pain until he was lying at my feet. I looked over at Alex. He was steaming with anger. He suddenly shifted his focus to me while shaking his head and looked absolutely exasperated.

"What are you doing to my brother?" Alexander shouted as he stumbled out of my flat.

Alex and I immediately shifted our focus to Alexander who was at the top of the stairs. We watched as he bumped into the toilet room door, lost his balance, then fell down on the ground and passed out again.

"Shoot, man," I looked back at Alex and nervously laughed.

I heard a couple of doors down the hallway open. I looked down the hallway and saw three heads peering outside of their apartments trying to figure out what was going on. Alex looked sternly at them and pointed his finger.

"Get the heck back into your rooms!" he yelled in the deepest voice I'd ever heard.

Boom.

Boom.

Boom.

All three of them shut their doors instantly.

"Whoa, dude," I said, astonished.

Alex was breathing heavily, trying to calm himself. _Alex has definitely had his fill of Ivan!_

"Oh, man. Crazy, right?" he said with wide eyes.

I began to laugh.

"No, man. Insane," he said.

"Yeah, man, I think those would be words more apt for this situation."

Ivan kept whining in agony.

"Shoot, man," I stopped laughing and shook my head in astonishment while gazing at Ivan.

"Ben, help me with Ivan please," Alex said.

"Yeah, man. I'm gonna go lock my place first."

I locked my room, took a quick gaze at Alexander who was completely passed out on the floor next to the toilet room. I ran down the flight of stairs to help Alex. I gazed down at Ivan, who was out cold.

"Well, at least he passed out, ya know," I said.

"Yeah, man, it's better that way."

We picked Ivan up, put both of his arms around our shoulders then dragged him down the stairs, his feet flowing behind him. We took him to his place a block away and dropped him in his bed.

"He's not gonna feel too hot tomorrow," I said.

"Well, no kidding!"

"Ha, dang, dude, I'm truly speechless," I said quietly.

"I know, Ben, really." He looked at me somewhat relieved and smiled.

We left Ivan and walked outside onto Gloucester Place. I lit a cigarette.

"Let me have one, too," Alex pleaded.

"Yeah, man, for sure. Here ya go." I handed him the lighter and he lit it. I stomped my foot down on the ground.

"Thanks, bro, I really needed that."

"That was the craziest thing I've ever seen, man." I broke into laughter.

"That's the craziest thing I've ever done, man." Alex laughed nervously.

"Shoot, man, we forgot about Alexander!" I blurted.

"Oh, dang, man."

We started walking back to my place. I peered down the street and saw two men with tall hats on, standing in front of the apartment.

"Dude, shoot, I think those are cops."

"Really?" Alex said nervously.

"Yeah, man, up there."

"Man. Alexander's with them."

I'm not going to jail over this incident.

"Let's go around the corner here, Alex, to heck with that," I said forcefully.

"Yeah, man, lets not go over there. What a hormonal chick," Alex said angrily.

"Well, what did you expect would happen?"

"True, man, but I am not gonna let some hormonal chick talk to you like that."

"Thanks for the concern, man."

We walked around the corner, waited on a back street and peered around the corner occasionally.

"Shoot, man, what is he doing?" I said.

Alex looked around the corner, then back at me.

"He's talking to them." He looked at me in astonishment.

"Is he in handcuffs?" I asked fearfully.

Alex peered around the corner.

"No, man, he's just swaying back and forth, talking to them."

After a while, we saw Alexander stumbling his way towards Ivan's place. The police were walking away from him. I looked at Alex.

"What the heck, man?"

"Yeah, man, what the heck?"

We intercepted Alexander when he got to our street.

"Hey, man, over here," I waved to Alexander from the dark side of the building.

He stumbled over to us.

"What did you say to them?" Alex asked.

"I told them that all the noisemakers left." He chuckled.

"But, man, you're like trash..." I began.

"Then they left," he interrupted nonchalantly.

"Ohhh, wow!" I said scratching my head in a bewildered state.

Alex backhanded me in the stomach.

"That's really crazy, man." He looked baffled as he stared at me.

"I'm going to sleep," Alexander said.

He stumbled back to Ivan's apartment.

This has gotten to be too much, Ben. Too much! I need to get out of here for a while, I'm going to Switzerland as soon as school's out. At least school's almost out. I'll get some rest and clarity somewhere in the Alps.
Chapter 9

School finally let out for the winter break and I was invited to Germany by Alex to stay at his mother's place for the holiday break. It was just Alex and I. I was elated; after all, Ivan wasn't invited. Once we arrived in Germany, Alex only seemed interested in lounging around and meeting up with his friends and cousins. I had hoped that during the time I spent with Alex alone that my breakthrough would come. It didn't, and to top that Alex took off to see his father in Moscow late on Christmas day. His only reason was that he had to. I felt ditched. The strong melancholy that I had been experiencing quickly turned to full-out depression.

After a brief Christmas with Alex, I headed to Switzerland to hang out with Igor. I was incredibly unhappy about the lack of breakthrough with Alex and his lack of courtesy, so I got drunk on the train. On the drunken train ride I was overcome by morose thoughts. _Why can't I ever just get what I want? What the heck's the purpose of life if you can't have what you want? It seems meaningless if you can't get what you want! Why is everything so dang hard? Why can't you ever rely on people? Better yet, how the heck is it that my heart keeps beating? What holds all the atoms together, that in turn hold me together? What causes me to think about this stuff even though I'd rather not think about it? How do I know ultimately what is real and true? Is there a God? If there is, what does he want from me? What am I supposed to do? Does God hate me? I feel like I am going to Hell most of the time!_

By the time I reached Montreux, Switzerland, I was mentally exhausted. I literally ran to Igor's place to get utterly devastated on a multiplicity of substances. Yet the harder I partied the more frequently the conscientious thoughts came, especially the day after. This, combined with the side effects of the drugs, didn't help my depression one little bit.

I realized that the way I was dealing with things simply was not working that well. The incessant thoughts of existence and God were plaguing my mind like never before. These thoughts insinuated to me that what I was doing was wrong, very wrong.

I spoke to my mother a lot at that time about what I was feeling. She suggested that I should go to a Christian retreat she knew about close to Montreux and maybe they could give me some answers to my questions. By that time, all the physical destruction I had brought on my body was catching up to me. I needed a break and I needed to change my life. I needed a fresh start. I was now on a mission to gain that much-needed clarity and peace I sought, high in the beautiful snow covered Alps.

#

Igor looked at me with confusion.

"No, man, you should stay and chill here. Why do you want to go to Villars? It's just a boring mountain town, anyway."

"I just want to get some rest and check this place out."

"What is it, like a monastery?"

"Dude, the place is called L'Abri. I guess it means _shelter_ in French. I don't know what it is exactly, I just want to check it out. Besides, my mom wants me to check it out, so... I will."

"But man, stay here. Let's go get a beer and you can chill out in Montreux. Maybe we'll do something tonight. Get some coke or something."

I am sick of Montreux already. I'm constantly anxious and I'm always getting messed up on some substance. Don't you get that? Doesn't it bother you to be messed up all the time? I want to figure out some stuff and maybe, at least maybe, I'll have a shot at it there. Why the heck can't I just say this stuff to people?

"Look, man, I'll probably be back in a week, and besides that, I'll try to come down and have a beer with you later this week."

"Whatever, dude."

I feel like a jerk, but he should have left it alone a long time ago.

"I'll see you soon, man."

He shrugged his shoulders, looked baffled, and walked back inside Paradise Club.

"OK, then, Igor. Peace, man," I remarked sarcastically.

#

I went to my hotel, checked out, and then left for a little town called Huemoz, from which I would look for L'Abri. When I arrived there I almost immediately felt out of place. First, I was a complete materialist and the place was full of (as I perceived them) weird hippies. Second, the accommodations were sub-par in my mind at that time. Third, everyone there seemed to be atheists or agnostics, which really didn't comfort me. My fourth reason was simple and was my main reason for leaving: I didn't understand anything that anyone was saying because they used so many "big words," which at the time I couldn't understand. When I tried to find out more about God, I was only pointed to their library. There was no explanation and no specific truth for me—just books.

The main problem with me and books was simple. I couldn't focus enough to even read them, thanks to the hazy side effects of drugs and alcohol. To me, this was intellectual Christianity at its best. So, after I smoked some weed with some agnostics who seemed as lost as I was, I left and headed for the village of my former boarding school.

When I arrived, I met up with a few friends who were still at the school, but they were limited to only a few hours of free time in the afternoon. They were all a bunch of kids to me by then. I couldn't relate to them anymore, and so I felt isolated. As the days passed, I became lonelier, angrier, more depressed, and increasingly despondent. I felt hopeless and consumed by a nagging, soul-deep emptiness. I couldn't find any answers to the questions I sought, anywhere. I couldn't get what I wanted from life and didn't know what to do anymore. One night during a howling snowstorm, I was walking from the village train station and came to a bridge.

"Maybe I should just throw myself off."

I got slight vertigo as I looked over the ledge to see if it would kill me.

"No, man! Don't do that!"

What if you went to Hell, man? What the heck? How could you even for a second consider this? How is it that life bothers you so dang much that you could even consider this?

"I don't know."

_All I ever do is think and get nowhere. It's a circular thought process. When I'm not doing that, I eat, and then I drink beer, and then I smoke weed, and then I sleep—and sometimes I get lucky and get laid. That's what I am. That's what I have become. That's what I do. There's no innocence in my life anymore, no love and no purpose. I feel totally empty. Dead inside! No, I feel like an animal! Dang it! I hate myself_.

I walked to the pub at the top of the village and began to get trashed.

"Deux Hoegaarden, s'il vous plait?"

"Oui," the barman said.

I took my beers and sat back down. I was the only one in the bar. I looked out the window of the bar. It was really snowing hard. I lit a cigarette and stared blankly out the window. _What is the point of all this? People are like hamsters in a cage, just running on their red plastic wheel. People go to work, eat, sleep, and then go back to work the next day. Repeat daily. This can't be how it is supposed to be. That's it. There is nothing more and nothing less._ I got kinda sick to my stomach thinking about it. _No one seems to really get what they want!_ I took a big drag of my cigarette.

"Shoooot!!!!" I buried my head in my hands, and then looked back out the window.

I could hear the howling of the snowstorm get louder and more intense outside against the French pop music inside. The snow was coming down much harder now, almost a blizzard. I took another drag of my cigarette. _Can I stop thinking about this stuff? No, I really can't help it. I have to know about this stuff, but how can I find out about anything in such a finite and unknowing world? No one has the answers. Man, I want to scream. I feel like a slave, doing something I don't want to do._ I finished my beers and then got another one and stood at the bar for a while, hoping someone would come in and relieve my loneliness. I watched the door hoping a cute girl would come in that I could take back to my hotel room. _That would help a little, maybe. No, no you would just feel guilty afterwards, like you always do. Why can't you just enjoy indulging?_ Finally, I sat back down after I lost interest in the idea and continued to look out the window. Now it was a full-out blizzard. I got mildly excited at the notion of being in a blizzard. It was something I hadn't experienced.

"@#$% this, once in a lifetime opportunity."

I chugged my beer and lit another cigarette. I wrapped a scarf around my neck while taking a puff of my cigarette and then buttoned up my long overcoat. I walked up to the bar and paid the man for my drinks and then proceeded outside. Bam! The snow blew at me much harder than I had anticipated. The wind was throwing snow so viciously into my face that it stung. I could barely see ten feet in front of me, but I knew that mountain. I threw my cigarette into the air and watched as the blizzard instantly took it and it disappeared into the storm. I started to walk up the street towards the bridge I had passed earlier in the night. I was pretty drunk and more than a little perturbed at the way my life had been going. Once I was about a hundred feet from Top Pub, I realized no one could hear me scream at the top of my lungs. _Not in this storm. Now, I can finally get it out. Finally._ I began to scream and rage at the top of my lungs into the storm.

"God! What the heck?! Where are you?! Do something! Blow me down! Show me you're real! Why the heck would you let all this happen to me?! No, why the heck won't you let anything happen to me?!"

I stood in the middle of the road with my back against the storm. I became a little self- conscious and looked around to see if there were people. _No one_.

"Blow me down, dang it! I just want to know if you're there!" I screamed and held my arms wide open.

I began to taunt God.

"What, you can't? Can't even blow me down?"

I stood in the middle of the street and suddenly a big gust of wind hit me, initially startling me.

"Is that all you got?" I screamed into the blizzard, hoping to provoke God.

It felt good to scream, but it wasn't helping as I hoped it would. I suddenly got the impression that there was no God, and darkest emptiness filled my heart. I stood there for a minute, hoping and praying that something would happen. Nothing happened.

"Come on! I... am... waiting," I screamed, but my rage was slowly diminishing. "Just blow me. Ah, buggar this."

I lost interest. I stood there for a few more seconds, swaying drunkenly, and then turned my face into the face of the storm. It was still hurling snow at me. My hope that something would happen had faded. I gave up, then walked back to my hotel and went to sleep.

Chapter 10

Shortly after that, I left Switzerland and arrived back in London. I was done with God. I was done with the thoughts and I was done dwelling on my frustrated dreams. I was determined not to let my life or my thought process be affected by my conscience or hopes anymore. Granted, they were both still there, but not when I went ballistic.

So, I went really ballistic.

Over then next month I partied hard—really hard—and became increasingly callous to my conscience. Time management became an important part of my life. I made sure to put off studying after class for drinking with Ivan at the local pub. In the evenings we made a concerted effort to get properly stoned until three a.m. or so, and on the weekends, I was really busy going to raves with Ivan and his new roommate, Daniel. This strict regimen became my life until Ivan starting driving me crazy with his behavior.

He began to say things like, "I know that you know, that I know that you know, that I know that you know... that you don't know anything," and, "Say what, say high, say what, say high, say what... say why." He started to call me a junkie and a jerk a lot, and had little to no respect for my place when he visited. Initially, this didn't bother me because he would only misbehave when I was so far gone on booze and weed that I barely noticed it. But after a while, he started to do and say such things when I was sober.

Ivan would justify just ashing his cigarettes on my carpet by saying, "Man, we are in college. That's what a place is for in college—to trash it up." I didn't know how to deal with this and I didn't want to just tell him to buggar off because he was my party buddy and had the best grass in school. Still, though, he never let up. He knew full well that it drove me up the wall, and he began to embarrass me horribly in public by just being around him. I was sick of his philosophies, ideologies, and general ways. After a month or two of this dynamic and the realization that Alex was making himself increasingly hard to find or get a hold of, I had had enough.

I started hanging out with Alex a lot more mid-semester and weaned myself slowly off of Ivan in the most socially acceptable way I could. Alex enjoyed my company. He told me he was happy that I seemed to be doing better. For the most part, I was pretty sober acting around him.

However, I wasn't sober. Not at all! In fact I would usually sneak outside and smoke a quick pre-rolled joint or slam a few beers that I had in my handbag. This occurred when he was on the phone for prolonged periods of time, which he frequently was. I also understood the reason why I hadn't been seeing him as much. He was tired of Ivan's behavior, too, and didn't want to be around me as much because I was always around Ivan.

So I hoped that Ivan would just go away and leave us alone. After all, maybe now Alex and I could build a stronger camaraderie unhindered by Ivan, just like I had planned in the first place.

Ivan was incredibly upset about the dynamic that excluded him. In fact, I would say he detested it and even blamed me for it. I blamed him. He was the one isolating himself. Still, Ivan did whatever he could to try and hang out with Alex and I. One day when I was at Alex's house in Belsize Park, I broached the subject of Ivan's worsening antics just as Ivan was ringing Alex's flat.

Bzz. Bzz. Bzz.

"Do you think he'll go on like this much longer, man?" I said, smiling.

"Of course he will," Alex said.

"You're right actually, he does this to me all the time."

"Seriously, Ben, he climbed up the house the other day and in through the window. Then he calls me a jerk for not opening the door for him."

"Does he not realize that people don't always want to hang out with him?"

"I don't think so. He thinks we're still in boarding school or something."

"Dude, seriously, man, I am gonna try and really distance myself from him."

"Yeah? Well, you haven't done a very good job at that so far."

"Shoot, man, I know but I am going to change that. Honestly, I don't know why I hang out with him anymore."

Ivan kept buzzing .

"Yeah, man, he wants us to come drink with him, he told me yesterday."

"He never stops, man. He is like a machine. Insert beer and drugs here. His brother is the same way. They do like three hits of acid and then study for a test the next day. All A's bro, all A's."

We just looked at each other, shook our heads out of bewilderment and laughed.

"Ben, it's a little odd—don't you think?" Alex said.

"I guess so, man, I've never seen anything like an Ivan."

Ivan kept buzzing.

I said, "Dude, he came over about two weeks ago and just lay down on my buzzer for twenty minutes. I was all, 'How does he even know I'm here?'"

"No kidding, man. At least he didn't climb up your building though," Alex said.

"Yea, that's a tad messed up, man."

Alex laughed. "Ha, a tad messed up. I like this."

Alex and his American idioms!

Ivan kept buzzing.

"Alex, seriously, man, the dude's off his rocker. He's totally crazy."

"Man, he has issues, ya know? Don't be so hard on him."

"No seriously, the thing I didn't tell you was I finally opened up for him that day."

"Yeah and what happened?" He waited, interested in my reply.

I sighed.

"Well, he had come from some open-air rave or something. Got completely jacked on acid! But get this. He wanted to go have a beer with me, that was it. So, I'm like, ok, ya know? It wasn't like I was just gonna sit there and let him drive me up the wall while he rang my buzzer. I just couldn't take that buzzer anymore. So, I go with him and his bowl-cut roommate Daniel to the Gloucester Arms."

"Yeah, Daniel's a bit of a strange guy."

"Yeah, he is. Well, anyway, man, we go to the Gloucester Arms and he ordered like eight pints of beer and drank them all in the period of—oh, I'd say twenty minutes or so. By the way, it's like right when they opened."

"@#$%, man," Alex shook his head in disbelief.

"Yeah, so, you can imagine—I'm sitting there watching all this completely sober. Daniel is also jacked on acid and it's like 11:20 in the morning. So Ivan gets so messed up in a period of thirty minutes that he falls backward and smashes all these glasses. So, Daniel and I have to get him out of the bar cause the manager was getting mad at us. I like that bar, you know."

"Ivan, man." He shook his head in disapproval.

"Yeah, well, it gets better. So then were walking back through the park to Daniel and Ivan's new pad over by Chester Gate. He's stumbling all over the place, keep in mind. So we begin to pass these like old grannies walking their grandchildren in strollers and he begins to scream at the top of his lungs, 'Screeeewww yoouuu!'"

"Piez diets, Ben!" Alex's eyes widened.

"Yeah, so I, like, sprint as far away from him as I could and so did Daniel. Daniel wasn't nearly as gone as Ivan but he was still pretty out there. Honestly, man, all I could do was laugh. It was definitely nervous laughter but seriously, man... I have never in all my life witnessed something quite like that. But the even crazier part was that every one he passed after that, he pointed his middle finger at and screamed, 'Screeeeewww yoouuu!' He passed like ten people, man."

"Wow, that's really, really messed up, man!"

"No kidding dude, which is why I don't want much to do with him."

"But then what, man?"

Again I sighed.

"Well, he just got home, had Daniel help him hit his four-foot bong and passed right the heck on out."

"Shoot, man, I don't know." Alex sighed. "But I didn't think he would go this far, man."

"Me neither, bro."

The buzzer kept ringing.

"Well, I hope you locked your windows, dude."

"Yeah, they were already shut. I made sure of it after the last little incident."

Alex looked like he was proud of his foresight.

"Cool."

"Ben, I wonder if I can disconnect this buzzer."

Alex began to toy with his intercom cover.

"It's different from mine, so maybe."

"Yeah, you tried with yours?"

"Yeah, but I was afraid I'd break it."

"To heck with it, man. I'll break it just to get this to stop."

"Cheerio!"

He undid the front of the intercom and pulled out a singular wire. After that we heard no more buzzing.

"So, you want me to kick your butt at Xbox?" I said.

"Oh, you dusche, I'll beat you." He jabbed me in the side.

"Ow."

"Ha, you pansy."

We sat down, uninterrupted by buzzers and played for a couple of hours.

"Hey, man, I think I'll crash here tonight. Is that cool?"

"Sure, man. Ivan would probably catch you if you left."

"True that!"

We watched some DVDs and then I went to bed.
Chapter 11

A few weeks after that, Ivan began to reform himself in social situations. He minimized his antics and appeared to be acting like a more "normal" individual. He stopped the acid and all the pill-popping and started treating me better. He even paid back some of the money he owed me. Ivan was in the middle of a PR campaign with Alex and me, and he was doing a pretty good job.

He began to provide me with "free" weed and would even pay for my beers occasionally. I never heard him call me a jerk or speak about my "junkie" nature. I was happy about this and felt that he was coming around socially, and that maybe he had realized something. After all I thought, maybe it was just all the drugs that had done it to him.

Nevertheless, it was good to have a friend back. Alex, on the other hand, still seemed somewhat wary. He distanced himself from Ivan far more than I did. There was an unspoken code between Alex and I that stated: You can hang out with me as much as you want, just as long as Ivan isn't always with you. I didn't discourage the code because I wanted to ensure that Alex and I would be spending more time together, devoid of Ivan. I especially wanted to make sure that this occurred in the quickly approaching summer.

Business deals or not, I knew that Alex and I would have a blast living the high life together all over the continent of Europe. Ivan would just be a third wheel and that was the last thing I wanted.

Ivan's PR campaign constantly changed but in subtle ways. On the rare occasion, when we would catch him and confront him about what we saw as manipulative behavior, he would wiggle his way out of it through placing doubt and confusion in our heads about certain things we had noticed. He would then be on his best behavior until we seemed to forget the last incident. Then he would test the waters again with a new social tactic.

Ivan somehow knew just how much he could get away with without pushing us totally away from him. I certainly couldn't figure him out or pin down what he was up to, but in my soul, something just didn't feel right. I wanted to believe in his goodness, but the way he had treated me in the past was still fresh in my mind.

How could I have been able to read his mind and understand what he was up to? I was a stupid and naïve kid. After all, I thought at the time, what was this scrawny eighteen-year-old Russian kid going to do to me? I was much bigger and much stronger and much tougher. What could he do except get upset with me and scream and shout about it? As I saw it, we all went to the same school and all had some history together, and in that I felt safe. I just felt he was more crazy than dangerous. This was a huge mistake.

Things were looking up in my mind. Alex and I made plans to go to Moscow together and spend most of the summer having a blast in Europe. My parents were sending over my Porsche and would be spending the summer with me in Switzerland. I had managed to pass and move into the college program the next year. I was high on life and couldn't have cared less about all the deep thoughts I had experienced months before; I had buried them, at least for the moment.

After school let out for the summer, I cleaned my flat and packed my things into boxes, and then relaxed.

"Shoot, man, you're finished," I remarked happily.

I lay back on my bed and took a puff of my cigarette. _I am glad to be done. How in the world did you manage to pass? You drank excessively daily, smoked grass daily, and occasionally did some hard drugs on the side._

"I am a champion!" I said as I threw my arms over my head, celebrating my triumph.

_I need to do something. Well, try Alex again._ I rang him.

"Alio."

"Hey, bro, what's up?"

"Not much, was just taking a nap."

"Well, whenever you free up, swing by so I can drop this stuff off at your place."

"I'm actually going to come by in like thirty minutes."

"Great. I'm gonna go grab a pint at the pub. Call me when you hit Baker Street and I'll head back to my place."

"All right, man. Cool, cool."

"Peace, chief."

I put my phone in my pocket, grabbed twenty pounds and went to the pub. I ordered my pint and sat down. _I can't wait till my Porsche arrives. Alex in his BMW and me in my Porsche, driving full-out on the autobahn. Really nice! I've waited for this the whole year._ I relaxed in my booth and fantasized about what the summer would be like. Soon, Alex called me, so I chugged my beer, left the pub and walked over to the door outside of my place. I looked down the street and saw a black BMW M5 speeding my way.

"Here he comes," I said, smiling.

Wrooom. The noise from his customized exhaust echoed through the interconnected buildings on Gloucester Place. _I love the sound of that car._ Alex slammed on his sports brakes, stopping perfectly in front of me. He rolled down his window.

"What's up, bruv?" he asked, grinning.

"Your sport brakes, man."

"I know, I should go easier on them, don't you think?"

"No, man, drive your car as hard as you can till it breaks. That's what I do."

"Because you said that, I will now have to do the opposite."

"Yeah, yeah. Whatever. Anyway, man, can you help me out with this stuff?"

"Sure, man," he said as he got out of his car.

We walked up to my place and began to take all my belongings down to his car. Once we had stuffed his car full I went back upstairs to check and see if I had left anything.

Doesn't look like it.

I surveyed the place.

"Looks clean enough. Ok, Ben. Time to go."

I locked the door, walked down to Alex's car and tapped on his window. He rolled it down.

"Shoot, man, you really can't see anything with that black tint."

"I know, man, it's so dark. It's actually illegal in Europe," he said, proud of the fact.

"Yep, well, I'm gonna run around the corner and drop the keys off with the estate agents. I'll be right back."

"Well, hurry up. I am not a chauffeur."

"No, man. But you should be. M5 chauffeur services."

"Go, bliet," he yelled at me impatiently.

"Ok, ok, but do try and relax."

He just glared at me, slightly annoyed.

I jogged around the corner to the estate agents offices and dropped off the keys.

"You have everything out of the apartment?" the estate agent said coldly in his British accent.

"I sure do," I smiled at him.

"Ok, well, Mr. L. will contact you if there are any repairs."

"I'm sure he will. Well, you take care now, man," I smirked.

I turned around and bolted back to Alex's car and walked up to the driver's side window.

"Dang man, that was easy."

"What was?"

"Well, man, this is kinda funny, actually. You know that jerk British landlord who had that 'sit down' with me over the party that night with Ivan and all that dragging people down stairs stuff?"

Alex smiled widely.

"Ha, yeah. What?"

"Well, I had a feeling this guy is gonna try and take my deposit. He seemed to have jerk tendencies. So I told him I couldn't get in contact with my dad for three months because he was in Mexico on business. I told him I couldn't pay him but would get it to him the next month. Well, I did it to him three times, which evens out to about twenty-five hundred pounds. He took the missed rent out of my deposit. Mom and Pop kept sending me the money for rent, so now I have two thousand pounds to spend in case they get stingy in Switzerland."

"Oh, you jerk." He paused then began to smile again. "That's why I like you. You're such an American. Well, to heck with him, and let's go!"

"Good to have a friend I see eye-to-eye with."

"Yeah, man, but I don't think your parents will get stingy on you, though."

"Hey, just in case, right?" I yelled as I ran across the front end of his car to the passenger's side.

I got in Alex's car. He turned on his Russian music and we roared through St. John's Wood to Alex's place in Belsize Park.

"Thanks for letting me dump my stuff at your place this summer. Seriously, man, it's nice to have a place to stay at if I'm in London."

"Yeah, don't worry about it. I made a copy of the key for you. It's in your room at my place."

"Seriously, man, that's really cool of you."

"I know, man, I'm in the business of taking in refugee Americans."

"Ha-ha-ha, you second-world jerk."

He pointed his index finger up in the air. "I resent that," he said with a wide smile.

We arrived at his place in Belsize Park and unloaded all of my stuff. I grabbed my new key off the bed and put it in my blazer pocket, then lay down and took a nap. I woke up and walked into the living room. Alex was watching a movie.

"Hey, man, when do you leave?" I asked.

"This evening."

"Well, cool, man, I guess you don't really like hanging around to long."

"Are you just gonna stay here?" he said.

"Yeah, I'll probably just hang around here, hang out with Ivan, and try to relax until you get back."

"Cool, man, if your idea of relaxation is hanging out with Ivan. Anyway, man, when I get back we will get your Russian visa."

"Sounds really cool. Seriously, man, I can't wait to go to Russia."

"Yeah, bro, we'll have some fun."

"You really think it will only take a day for the visa?"

"Yeah, man, you have an invite from my father."

"And that will do it?"

"Ben, come on, man!" He shook his head to imply I was a dumbbutt.

"Well, good for me, then."

I sat down on the couch and mulled over what I should do for the next couple of days. _I just want to smoke weed, lounge around, and go a bunch of bars._

I decided to call Ivan. I walked into my room, sat on the bed and rang him.

"Whaaat's up, man?" he yelled into the phone in his usual tripped-out accent.

"Just chilling out, man."

"Where are you?"

"I'm at the Washington Bar in Belsize Park."

"Is Alex there?"

"No, man, he took off."

"Maaaan, he didn't even say goodbye."

"He was in a hurry to catch his flight, man."

"Still, bliet. What the heck, you know?"

"Uh, I don't think he did it intentionally, Ivan."

"Where are you staying, man?"

"At his place."

"Man, you should have stayed at our place."

"No offense, man, but I wouldn't leave anything at your place for fear of it getting broken, soiled, or unintentionally thrown out."

"Well, toooooo heeeeecccckkk with that, man. So come here and we'll smoke a spliff."

"Ok, man, I'll be over in and hour or so."

"Cool, maaan, I will see you then."

"You want me to pick up some Hoegaarden?"

"Could you?"

"For sure, man."

"Thanks, maaan."

Why do I always volunteer to buy stuff? He still owes me loads of money. You're too dang generous, Ben. Oh well, I feel bad for lying to him all the time.

I hung up and walked back into the living room.

"I told Ivan you left in a hurry."

"Why, dude?"

"Didn't think you wanted to fool with him tonight."

"Yeah, I just kinda want to chill out until I leave. Just tell him I'll see him when I get back."

"Will do, man. I'm gonna go out, so I'll see you in a couple of days then?"

"Yeah, man, I'll be back soon."
Chapter 12

"It's just up here by the crosswalk," I said to the cabbie.

"All right, mate."

We stopped exactly where I had hoped to. I got out, paid the driver and then walked to Ivan's apartment building. I rang his buzzer. The door unlocked and I walked upstairs. I saw his apartment door swing open followed by a plume of marijuana smoke. Ivan leaned out the door sideways, his long black hair hanging off his forehead at an angle and a cigarette in his mouth.

"Whaaat's up, maaan?" he shouted into the hallway.

I grinned. "How you been?"

He straightened up, stepped awkwardly backwards into his apartment as I entered, and then shook my hand.

"Reaaaallly nice, maaan. I passed all my finals and next year I'm taking Chineeese."

"Yeah, I'll be taking Russian."

"Nice, man, really nice. Then you will understand us."

Is that always a good thing? Shoot, I don't think so. Time to get stoned!

"So, let's get this party started," I said and clapped my hands together.

"Yeaaah, ok. But seriously, man, are you still going to Switzerland?"

We walked into his living room.

"Yeah, my folks got an apartment there for two months, so I'll be hanging out there all summer. I'll probably stay with Alex in Germany and visit Moscow with him."

"Nice, man. I'll be in Russia with my brother, sleeping with nice girls and doing E."

"Where you getting that from?"

"My brother is shipping it to Russia from here."

"Don't think you'll get caught?"

"No, man, @#$% them, nothing will happen, nothing ever happens to me or my brother. Besides that, it's Ruuussia, man. It's not like your @#$% war on drugs in _Ameriiika_ ," he said, and began to laugh mockingly.

I couldn't care less about America right now.

"Well, there's gonna be a lot of raving Russians."

" _Exactly, maaan_. We are going to make a fortune." He stared directly into my eyes and pointed at me with both hands wildly as he backed up.

"Dude, you crack me up," I shook my head and laughed.

You're too odd for normal society, though.

"Yeah, man, so let's smoke now," Ivan said.

"Ok, let's go for it, but where is Daniel?"

"Yeaaah, man, he left yesterday."

"Didn't get his grades?"

"I don't think so. He just went back to Kiev suddenly."

"Oh, well, that's cool. Daniel's a bit odd, don't you think?"

" _Yeaah_! But bliet, he just sits here all day, smokes weed and watches TV. He is cuuursed you know!"

"Yeah, I know, man, but... Oh, forget it."

I lost interest in confronting Ivan on Daniel's soulless behavior. _He's like a shell of a person, like he's dead inside. I guess he could be one of those phony happy people though. I really don't know which is worse._

"Yeaaah, man, buggar it," he mumbled.

We sat down on his couches and he began to roll a joint. _Dang it, he should have had one ready._ _I called him like forty minutes ago._ _I hate waiting to smoke. I want it now. Somehow this guy always manages to get to me in some weird way or another. It's always a little hellish being around him. He always postpones my desires, it's like some form of purgatory._

"But Alex just left?" Ivan said in disbelief.

"Yeah, he'll be back in a few days. He said he'd drop you a line."

"Huh." He shook his head squinted his eyes and looked at me skeptically.

Why do I always get the feeling he knows what I'm thinking? Especially when I lie.

I tried to change the subject. "Maybe we can meet up in Moscow."

"That would be really nice if everyone from LAS got together in Moscow."

"For sure it would," I said with pseudo enthusiasm.

_I have no real intentions of calling you when I'm in Moscow. That could be problematic. Me an American out on the town with the new Rasputin of Russia. What trouble that could bring. No thanks, bruv!_ He packed the joint and then lit it. He took two puffs and passed it to me with a look of annoyance on his face.

"Cheers, man," I said casually.

"Yeaaah," he said, exhaling smoke and shaking his head at me.

I took a couple of big puffs and passed it back to him. _Apart from sensing angry vibes from Ivan I'm feeling considerably fresh today._ _No anxiety-related thoughts, just general happiness. Why is this? Oh yeah, because you passed everything, finally accomplished something and your spending the summer in Switzerland with your Porsche. And it's also a beautiful day._

Ivan hit the joint hard and then passed it back quickly. I took two massive tokes and then handed it back to him.

"Dude, can I get that dealer on the scooter's number from you? I'll need it if I come back to London this summer."

Reluctantly, Ivan stared at me, as if to assess my motivation for this request.

"Sure, I guess," he said, frowning.

He told me the dealer's number and I punched it into my phone. _That's right—now you have to give me that number since you aren't in London all summer. Finally I got a good dealer._

"So that's the guy on the scooter's number?"

"That's it maaan," he said with an undertone of malice.

"Awesome, dude," I said happily.

I felt relieved. For the first time ever, I had a consistently punctual dealer at my disposal _._

Ivan changed his demeanor, suddenly energetic.

"But maaan, let's got to the bar. Since you clearly forgot to get the beer!"

Shoot, I did.

"Yeah, sounds fine to me."

We both stood up at the same time.

"Dude, those people at the bar downstairs must think we're junkies. Always going there all stoned and drunk and @#$%. I really should invest in some sunglasses," I laughed.

"Maaan, we are junkies," he shouted.

Why is he starting this again? Don't box me in, you jerk!

"To heck with you, dude, and speak for yourself."

"But I already spoke for you," he mocked me.

"Whatever, dude."

"Man, but to heck with those jerks, better to be a junkie than a jerk."

I don't agree with that, and besides that I'm not a junkie.

"You know what you need, man?"

"Chua?"

"To watch _Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas_. That should spur your lifestyle to new heights."

"Greaaat movie," he shouted.

"Oh, I see you've already found it," I said sarcastically.

"But theeey got it."

"What?"

"They understood, man."

"What the heck are you talking about, man? Really you always say stuff like that. But what the heck does it mean? Huh?" I said, aggravated.

Ivan began to dance.

"Say what, say high, say what, say high, say what, say why," he screamed as he danced around the room like a drugged-out raver.

I shook my head.

"Poor boy, I think you've taken too much acid."

He stopped dancing and pointed his finger at me.

"Man, you don't know @#$%," he yelled angrily.

_Does he realize what he is saying? Does he even have coherent thought?_ _Did he ever? Sometimes I wonder._

"Look, let's just go, ok?"

"That's what I've been trying to do, bliet," he said in a condescending tone.

"Ok, you douche bag! Well, go then!"

We walked downstairs to the bar just below his apartment.

"Please get me a pint, man."

Ivan squinted his face in hesitation. "Sure, man."

"Thanks."

_I shouldn't have even thanked him. He still owes me like two or three thousand pounds. I should have asked him to buy me a thousand more beers, then I'll thank him for the one thousandth and one I receive. I bet you he wouldn't take too kindly to that, though. Wouldn't want him walking through Regent's Park saying, "Toooo Heeeeccck with Ben!"_ I chuckled to myself. _God, I am glad I am getting outta here, away from him, for the summer. I'll be smoking a joint with Igor on the shores of Lake Geneva in a couple of days and then I'll be driving top down on the autobahn within a month in my Porsche; listening to trance full blast_. _What a respite!_

"Sooo, yeaah, maaan. Let's go to the rave."

He picked up our beers and walked over to a nearby table.

"No way, man, I don't really like to do that stuff anymore. I am sick of E. That stuff is awful. Besides that I already feel like death most of the time for some reason or another."

You drink all the time and don't eat enough. That's why.

"Bliet, don't be a girl, man."

"No," I quipped.

"Come on," Ivan prodded me.

No more hard drugs. I'm done with that stuff, and I derive no pleasure from them.

"No, man, I don't wanna go," I said sternly.

"Duuude, we'll dance with nice girls."

What the heck? Ivan going to a rave for the girls—now that's an unprecedented thought. He's just trying to manipulate me into going and getting jacked on E.

"No thanks, man," I said calmly as I grabbed my beer and took a sip.

"Ben, come on, man," he continued to prod.

He leaned forward and gestured to me that we should dance. _Oh wow, that really makes me wanna go. Change the topic._

"To beautiful naked women of many nationalities!"

I lifted my glass in the air and tried to toast him.

"Bliet."

He withdrew his glass to show his disapproval.

Typical.

"Dude, you're a jerk."

"You're a jerk," he said spitefully.

Oh, I guess that means I'm a jerk, as well as a junkie. Shoot, I'm the worst of the worst in his eyes. Well, I'm not going raving tonight. So if that means I'm a jerk, than bring on Jerk-dom.

"No, man! Why do you do that? I mean why do you have to get all moody about it?" I said out of frustration.

"Because you're a jerk, and I am leaving to go to Russia tomorrow evening and Alex has already gone. So you are obligaaated!"

"Dude, knock it off, I am not a jerk and I don't want to go to some messed up rave tonight. Besides that, I didn't know you were leaving tomorrow and neither did Alex. You could have specified that at an earlier time."

Ivan folded his arms and glared at me. _Why does he pull that guilt trip bull on me? Nobody should guilt trip someone into doing hard drugs. Some friend you are._ Anxiety crept in. _Oh man, I hate this feeling. Everything was going great until Ivan entered back into the equation. I did lie about Alex being gone, though. I feel slightly jerk-ish for lying to him. Maybe I am being a bit uncompromising. I should offer a happy medium._

"Let's go smoke some more, man—chill out and calm down. Besides, man, let's just go to the Washington and you can hang out with me tonight at Alex's pad. Fair enough?"

"Yeaaah, I guess," he mumbled.

He took a sip of his beer and looked at me with some malicious intent. _Why does he look at me like that? That's not normal; that doesn't look like a friend. Whatever, just one more day with Ivan and then I'm free from his presence for three months. That's all the purity I need._ _Maybe he'll change this summer or something. I hope he does. He can be so much fun sometimes, but he has Jekyll and Hyde syndrome. Shoot, he really does!_

"I don't feel like drinking right now, man, let's just go smoke."

"Ok, pash liet." Ivan chugged his beer and slammed it on the table loudly.

"Da," I said as I pushed mine away, half empty.

We got up walked outside around the corner and went back upstairs to his place.

Ivan lit a cigarette and kept it in his mouth as he began to roll a joint.

"Man, you know," I said, "Roman can roll the speediest joint I've ever seen. It's like the miracle joint. If we were in the States he could probably have a TV ad on how to do it in under twenty seconds. _Roman's Miracle Joints_ —that would be the name of his book. For only $19.99. A limited-time offer." I laughed.

Ivan sighed. "Man, but your country is messed up, bliet."

"I know, man, people are constantly busy, running around like chickens with their heads chopped off. They constantly destroy the beautiful land with urban sprawl and for what, a new Wal-Mart? Then, to top it off, they don't even know where London is on a map. Really blows my mind. I mean, seriously, I'm not a typical American at all. I know where Mongolia is and know its bloody capital city. I just wanted to know this stuff. Call it curiosity or I don't know, but Americans just don't care, which is why Americans are limited in understanding the world around them. They believe everything on TV that's preached is reality and the legit truth. They're also brainwashed like crazy in college. They are just idiots for the most part. Not all, but many."

"But bliet, even you don't know @#$%," he said spitefully.

That's enough.

"Ya know what, get bent, Ivan. Why you always gotta be such a jerk?"

"I'm only a jerk to jerks."

"So I'm a jerk again, is that it?"

"You don't have to be, but right now, yes, you are," he said calmly.

"Just shut the up and let's smoke that joint."

"Yeah, I agree, you should shut up and smoke." He chuckled.

I'll start over completely next semester. I will. I am so sick of this. He is really showing his true self, I think. Some new friends and a new start. I'll gradually wean myself away from him in a gradual and diplomatic manner, so no social problems are caused, like the last time.

Ivan put his cigarette out and lit the joint. He took four puffs and then handed it to me. I made it a point to take five puffs. He nearly finished the rest and then handed me the worst part of the joint, the roach. _I hate the end of the joint. What a douche, but I'm being a douche, too. Forget it, do something else._ I got up and started to play with his new turntables. We cranked up the music and played for two hours or so, smoking a joint periodically in the midst of being wannabe DJ's. The grass eventually made me forget the tension.

"Let's go to Alex's place," Ivan said.

"Yeah let's go, but first, man, let's go by Camden Lock and have a beer."

"Yeaaah, man, Camden is cool. So pash liet!"

I hope Alex is gone. He should be. Don't chance it though—buy some time.

"For sure. Messed up area, but cool bar."

I hate Camden Town. Why did I suggest it? Dang it, we should have gone to Soho.

"Bliet, I love all the punks with the mohawks on the bridge and how every nigger says _weed, weed_."

_You would get your butt kicked if you spoke like that in America_.

"Yeah, it's a crazy area ya know. I'm thinking of moving to Primrose Hill next year."

"Nice, man, good area. Right by Camden, too."

_Don't remind me_.

"Yeah, apparently so. A bunch of movie stars live there. Maybe I'll get a hot date with one of them and become famous."

"I don't think you wanna get with a movie star, man, they are even more messed up than us." He shook his head in agreement with himself.

He grabbed his cigarettes and stuffed them into his pocket. He went into his room, grabbed a bag of weed and a pre-rolled joint.

_Maybe this evening won't be such @#$% after all. Try to be cool with him; don't burn your social bridge with him yet._ We grabbed a cab on the outer circle and were taken to Camden Lock. We walked into the bar, ordered some drinks, chatted for a while and ended up having a decent time after all.

"Ben, let's go smoke by the lock."

"Fine with me."

"Pash liet."

I followed Ivan as we walked closer to Regent's Park _. I don't feel like smoking by the lock now._

"Buggar it, man, let's just walk to the Washington, we'll find a bench to sit down on and smoke on the way there."

"Yeah, man, I like that bar, so... Yeaaah, we will go there."

"Ditto, dude, I think it's probably the best in London."

We stopped walking towards the lock, turned around and headed towards Belsize Park.

"Bliet, it stinks Alex left so soon, you know. We could have gone out and partied at a nice club or something."

Likely on Alex's card, too.

"Yeah, it's a shame."

I sure hope he's left by now.

"Man, I wanted to get messed up with everyone one last time before I go back to Russia and eat healthy and all that @#$%."

_Eat healthy? I thought you were gonna ship E to Russia._ We kept walking towards Alex's place and the Washington pub.

"Let's smoke on this wall up here."

"Yeah, man, let's," he said quietly, in a somewhat frustrated tone.

We sat down on a red brick wall. Ivan pulled a slightly bent up joint out of his pocket and lit it. He took two puffs and gave it to me.

"Thanks, man."

We sat there smoking a joint on the red brick wall, as the sun was turning a reddish color and began to set. I thought about all the crazy times I had with him in the past year. _Sometimes I like hanging out with him because you don't know what to expect, but he can be such a jerk. Why can't he just calm down a bit? Just a little more?_ I suddenly felt sorry for him _. He doesn't have to be like this. He's so extreme. Why is he like this? It's like he only thrives when he is stoned, drunk, or high on some chemicals._ I remembered the time my mom told him about Jesus when she came to London. _Man, I think she said some great stuff to him. I believe in Jesus, I think. Why don't I feel like I believe in Jesus, though?_ The anxiety began to come back. _Man, don't think about this Jesus stuff right now._

"Let's get outta here. I want another beer."

We walked up the street towards the Washington. I felt melancholy _. What's the point of this stupid life? It's meaningless. No, man, don't think like that!_ We finally made it to the Washington. I looked up and down the street for Alex's M5. _Nothing,_ _well that's good!_ I should have just asked him what time he was going to leave this evening, might have saved us the trip to Camden. We walked up to the bar, ordered our beers and sat down.

He toasted me.

"So when do you go to Moscow?" Ivan said.

"Sometime around the twentieth of June."

"Cool, man, well, let's all meet up and do banya and sleep with nice girls."

"What the heck man? I don't get you. You never even mentioned sleeping with girls until recently. I mean you never even thought about them, at least it sure seemed like that to me."

"Yeaaah, maaan... But I am done with this @#$% for the summer. Now, I will have nice girls in Russia, man. Simple! Just drink vodka, eat healthy, and do banya with friends. We will still have big rave in forest, though."

"Ah, ok, so your desire for women is seasonal."

"Maybe—but it's not that season quite yet, unless you would beee _interested_ to go to the rave."

He toasted me while waiting for my response.

"Ha, no, man, just beers and spliffs for me this evening."

"Yeaaah, man, not a _horrrible_ alternative, I guess."

"You guessed right. Cheers, mate!"

We toasted, and at some point later that evening, passed out.
Chapter 13

A few days later, Alex came back to London and we got my Russian visa. I was set to go. I felt like I had totally solidified my relationship with Alex. The evidence that supported this belief was in my passport. I had been personally invited to Moscow by his father. I felt like I was made man. I believed something big would come from my trip. This was my chance to be seen! This was my introduction.

After I got the visa, I left London and departed for Switzerland. Nearly the second I touched down in my favorite country, sheer freedom gripped my soul. I was free to do what I wanted when I wanted for the first time in my life with the magnificent beauty of Switzerland surrounding me. Everything was finally going just as I had planned. My long-awaited break from Ivan had arrived and my parents' financial situation was really taking off. They had shipped my Porsche from New Orleans, which would be arriving in Germany in about a month. I was elated. Now I could travel in style.

To make things better, I was flush with cash because my parents were happy I had moved forward with my education, and had decided to bless me financially. The cherry on top was the fact that I had an extra two thousand pounds to blow on whatever I wanted. I felt rich.

So I did what I did best with the money and time I had. I partied daily with Igor and all the new wealthy friends I was meeting in Montreux. However, this way of life grew tiresome after a few really, really nasty hangovers and being inundated with the superficiality of all the people that surrounded me. In my soul I wanted more than what these people wanted. They seemed utterly without a purpose and yet seemed to be contented. The conscientious and existential questions came back.

One day early in the morning as I sat with Igor at a bar in a hangover state, a beautiful girl from Munich came in. Her name was Franziska and she was stunning. The second I saw her walk in, I fell in love. She was full of energy, full of passion, and full in the chest. She was everything I had ever wanted.

Franziska and I hit it off right away and ended up ditching Igor and spending the rest of the day having a blast together. The evening came to a rest on a park bench in front of Lake Geneva. Franziska had her head in my lap and I was rubbing my fingers through her hair, gently massaging her head.

"Ya know, I always felt like I would do something great. Like I always felt that I would really impact this world, you know. Do something profound. I just get a sense of this, but I don't know what it is that I'm supposed to do. Honestly, I get really frustrated and upset by this whole notion of purpose and God. I mean what the heck is all this about?"

She kept lying there. She seemed content.

"I mean, how can you be so content, ya know? Especially, while I am so concerned about all this stuff?"

"I don't know. I think you just have to do what you enjoy. Fill your time with those things. When I was in Spain I loved to tan at the beach. I've always wanted to see Australia, so I went, and I like to be adventurous, so that's what I do."

"Yeah, that makes two of us, but you know, even about what you just said..."

I paused then sighed.

"Yeah?"

"Well, it's cool to do all that, but it just doesn't seem to have any meaning. I have experienced so much in my life and none of it has meaning or purpose. Like what's it all for at the end of the day? It's just you doing something and then you die. Just doesn't make any sense to me. There has to be something more!"

"I think, you think about this stuff to hard. Just let it be. That's my philosophy. Stop searching and maybe you will find contentment. You should be a little more Buddhist in your philosophy, maybe. I don't think that Christian stuff works. It just seems to cause grief for everyone," she said as she looked up at me.

"Yeah," I sighed, "you're probably right."

Shoot, I think she is right. I keep looking for this God of the Bible but nothing ever is said back. Nothing ever happens. I just get a bunch of soul-deep grief and anxiety thinking about it. Yeah! Just enjoy this life. Buggar the questions. But can you? Yes, I can. I'll make myself enjoy my time.

"Franziska, I'm really, really elated that we met," I said to her softly and sincerely.

"I know. I like you a lot, Ben. You're a smart, fun guy. You are a little serious sometimes, but you're still a very fun guy."

Am I really a smart, fun guy? I don't feel like it most of the time.

She turned her gaze from Lake Geneva and then looked up at me and smiled. I looked straight at her.

"I do know this. I like you more than anyone I've ever met in my life."

She sat up, straddled me and gently put her hands on my face. _I think we're going to kiss now._ I leaned in and began to kiss her. She kissed me back passionately. We kissed for a long time.

I was in ecstasy, and for the first time in my life I felt really safe, like I was home. I was just happy. _I love her._ I wanted to cry. It was beautiful to me. Any harshness and coldness that had plagued my reality was gone. I felt like I was in Heaven. _This is perfect, here we are in the most beautiful place on Earth, holding each other tightly while we kiss._ I wanted to know her and love her. I wanted to change for her. Be there for her. _This is what I've been looking for! This is what I need! This is what has been missing from my life. I think I've found my answer. She is my goddess._
Chapter 14

_Should she be driving this fast in a Ford Focus, while smoking grass?_ I peered over to the dash. _Two hundred kilometers an hour!_ I felt really anxious.

"Franziska, do you always drive like this?"

"Like what?"

"Well, I don't know, smoke a joint and drive a hundred and twenty miles an hour?"

She beamed a smile at me.

"Yes. Why, you have a problem with it?"

"No, no... it's just... well, I am not that confident in female drivers. I mean take my mother as a prime example. She just isn't roadworthy. But then tack on grass, she'd be an atomic bomb on wheels."

"That's kinda sexist!"

"Oh God! You're not one of those people are you?"

"I am."

"So, you're like a feminist?"

"Yes, kinda."

"Well, I'm a maleist, so _ha_. We are now on equal ground."

"You're a dork."

"I know, I have been told that a couple of times."

"I can imagine."

"Well, whatever, I've been in worse situations."

"Have you, now."

"Much."

She passed me the joint. The car was full of smoke.

"I'm really glad you came with me."

"Me, too. Plus I get a free ride. It's crazy we were both headed to the same place at the same time."

"Maybe fate."

"Ooh la-la."

She leaned over and kissed me on the cheek.

"Sweet and all, but please watch the road."

_This girl is too much like me. I love it, but it scares the @#$% outta me_. I took a puff.

"So when do you leave?" she said.

"In about four days."

"You're flying out of Frankfurt?"

"Yeah, it's a nonstop to Moscow."

"So you are returning to Frankfurt?"

"Yeah, actually. Why?"

"Come see me in Munich."

This just keeps getting better and better.

"Truly, on every level I would love that."

"So, it's a date."

"It's a date."

I looked at her and smiled. _God, she is beautiful._

"So, you'll be back in like twelve days?"

"Yeah, I think so. I'll probably just head strait to you by train from Frankfurt."

"Great," she said, excited.

We passed through Basel, Karlsruhe, then Stuttgart.

"I'm gonna call Alex and find out where this place is."

"Ok."

I rang Alex.

"Alio."

"Hey, bro."

"Hey, Ben, how are you, man?"

"Absolutly fabulous!"

"Good, man, that's really good to hear."

"No kidding."

"Where are you?"

"We're just passing by the airport in Stuttgart. Where is this place?"

"We're?"

"Yeah, I'll fill you in later."

"Ok, well, it's called Doner Reiden. It's a little tiny town."

He paused.

"Then, you will get off in Ulm, where the tallest church in Europe is, and head south about twenty to thirty minutes. It's right around there."

"Ok, I'll call you if we have any problems."

"Please do."

"All right, bro, I'll see you soon."

"See you."

I put my phone in my jacket pocket.

"It's called Doner Reiden."

"Like the kebab?"

"Yeah, Doner."

"Doner Reiden. I've never heard of it."

"Yeah, well, me neither. I think it's a pretty small town."

Franziska punched in the town on her navigation. We continued to Ulm, got off on a local road and headed south. Finally we found the town. I called Alex.

"So we're here, man, now what?"

"Well, there's a dirt road. It's right when you enter the city, to the left. Go down that for a minute and we are to the left. There is a tent and my M5 is parked near it."

"Ok, man, I'll see ya in a second."

I hung up.

"Turn around and head back where we came from."

"Ok."

"It's some dirt road."

We turned around, found the dirt road and drove till we saw Alex's car to the left and an open tent with benches underneath it. The area was green, sun-filled, and lush with vegetation.

"This guy is like the coolest guy I have ever known, his dad is like an oligarch, too, so I hear some pretty cool stories."

"You know some crazy people, Ben."

"I know, I do."

"His friends are just normal Russians and emigrated here back in the early to mid-nineties."

"I've never really hung out with Russians in Germany."

"Don't worry about it. They are really friendly."

She looked a little nervous.

"Don't worry, I'm not going to ditch you or anything."

"Ok, good."

She parked her car and we got out.

"What's up, man?"

"Hey, man," Alex shouted back while standing under the tent.

I grabbed Franziska by the hand and we walked towards the tent. Underneath the tent were about twenty people sitting and standing besides two picnic tables. There was food cooking on a portable grill and the tables were topped full of food and vodka. Beside the table were crates of beer. I saw Alex's cousins Paul and Andreas.

"Kak de la, Andruska... Paul?"

"Ben, atlichno."

They both held their arms open and gave me a hug. As they squeezed me, I looked at Franziska and smiled.

"See, really friendly."

She grinned then laughed at me.

"Hey, I'm Alex, Ben's friend."

"Franziska."

"Oh, nice name," he said as he shook her hand gently.

"Thanks."

I looked at Alex and smiled. He smiled and put his hand over his face and began to laugh _._ It felt perfect. I was happy and I felt free. I hugged Franziska and kissed her on her forehead. She looked up at me and smiled. It was like a continual breath of fresh air, seeing her smile. _I think I am in love._

"Ben, come, come," Alex requested.

Alex put his arm around me and began to pull me away from Franziska in a joking manner.

"I'll be right back, I promise."

"Ok, well, I'll see you in a bit," she said.

"Please sit, Franziska, have anything you want," Alex said.

She sat down and began speaking with some of the girls there. I watched her as Alex led me away from the crowd by my shoulder. I felt kinda bad even leaving her for a second.

"Ben, so now you found your Heidi?"

"I think so, man."

"That's great, man."

"No @#$%, it's great."

"She's very pretty."

"I know."

"I hope you know that you will still end up sleeping with very hot Russian girls in Moscow."

"No, man, come on." The thought repulsed me.

"Why can't you just stay on a happy note, Alex?"

"Bliet, relax, I'm just joking." He jabbed me gently in the side.

It still upset me.

"Still, man." I gestured to him out of frustration.

"Ok, look I am sorry. Seriously!"

"All right. You're forgiven, but you're still a jerk."

He hugged me. "Ah, it's good you're here, man."

"Yeah, man, I'm glad I made it for this little party."

"So you're gonna 'crash at my pad?'"

"Yeah, mañana, but are there any hotels around here?"

"Yeah, I think there's one at the entrance to the village."

"Ok, good, I think were gonna both be beat by the end of this little shindig."

"Yeah, man, it was a long drive for you guys."

"That's for sure," I said as I glanced over at Franziska. We walked back over to the tent and tables. I grabbed a beer and sat down next to Franziska.

"So, did you have your man talk?"

"Oh, yeah. A manly man's talk, that's us."

"Suuure," she said in her cute accent.

"I really love that accent you have. It's sizzling."

"Sizzling?"

"Oh yeah, you got the sizzle."

She broke into laughter.

"Boy, you sure laugh a lot for a German."

"I think it was living in Spain that did it to me."

"God, imagine me in Spain. I would die from laughter."

"Don't get a big head. You're not that funny." She grinned and shook her head.

I feigned crying.

"Oh, I'm joking." She put her arm around me.

"You have to kiss me to make up for that."

She gave me a kiss.

"All bessen!" I perked up and smiled.

"Oh Ben, what am I going to do with you?"

We had a couple of drinks, spoke with Alex for a while and then decided to go get a room. We drove to the hotel.

"It doesn't look open does it?"

"No, but it says they have vacancy."

"Well, no harm in trying."

We got out of the car entered the Bavarian-style hotel and saw a man with his mouth wide open sleeping behind the counter. We looked at each other and laughed. I whispered to her.

"This is like something you see in a movie."

"Yeah, I know. I don't think they get that much business."

I coughed to wake the man. Nothing. Again I coughed. Nothing. Franziska walked up to the counter.

"Entschuldigung," she said slightly louder than my attempts.

The man blinked his eyes, shut his mouth and gradually woke up. He shook his head back and forth trying to wake up. I was pretty amused. Franziska began to speak with him in German.

"Ja, ja," she said.

She continued on.

"Ok, ja, das ist gut."

He handed her the key. She turned to me.

"Ok, so it's only forty-five euros and we pay him tomorrow."

"Huh, that cheap?"

"Yeah."

We walked upstairs through a dark hallway.

"I have a feeling we are the only people here. I'm really beginning to like these small German towns."

"I think you are right."

I tried to open the door to our room but couldn't find the keyhole.

"Shoot, I can't find it."

Franziska laughed and then switched on a light. "Does that help?"

"Hey! Way to make me feel stupid."

She leaned forward and kissed me.

"I like kissing you," she said.

"I like it when you kiss me." I opened the door, expecting a tiny bed and junky furniture.

"Holy @#$%!" I blurted. We walked in. There was a queen size bed and a large room.

"Wow!" she said.

"I've never stayed in a room this nice, for this cheap."

"Me neither, and I've lived here my whole life."

"What luck," I said.

"Maybe fate?"

"I don't believe in that stuff."

"Oh, yes you do, Mr. I Am Destined For Greatness."

"Hey, bafanguro."

"You're cute."

"I know."

She kissed me again.

"I'm gonna go take a shower," she said.

I lay down on the bed and stretched out. _Oh my God this feels great. Not a bad day, Ben, not a bad day. I wonder if we're gonna have sex?_ My conscience was telling me I shouldn't have sex. _I kinda don't want to, I like her too much. Keep it somewhat pure, man. You have never done that. You can do that. I'd even marry this girl._ I became a little anxious. _I want to have sex though. No, don't, man. Will she even want to? Who knows? Just chill out! Relax! Breathe in and out and try not to think about it._ I chuckled to myself then turned on the TV. About five minutes went by and I heard the shower stop. I got a little nervous as my conscience began to grind against my desires. _Moment of truth_. _I want her so bad._ She came out of the bathroom with nothing but a towel wrapped around her. She brushed her teeth, while periodically looking at the TV. Franziska turned her focus from the TV to me and then smiled. _Good grief, she looks great without makeup on._ She walked back into the bathroom and rinsed her mouth out with water. I couldn't help wonder what she looked like under that towel. She came back into the room, looked at me and then dropped the towel. _Holy @#$%_. She climbed on top of me. _I don't know what to say. I hope I'm not blushing._

"Hey," I said nervously.

She caressed my face, smiled and then kissed me.

"Hey," she said softly.
Chapter 15

I assured Franziska that I would come visit her in Munich as soon as I got back. She was all for it, and so was I. So, a few days after my new love and I had parted ways, Alex and I boarded an Aeroflot flight to Moscow. I must say it kind of unnerved me when the pilots made a steep manual decent into Moscow's Domodedovo Airport and landed to applause. I guess this was the Russian way for thanking the pilot for not crashing. I was just glad we were on the ground.

Although brief, the trip to Moscow was glamorous and fascinating, but didn't pan out as I had hoped. My chance had not come, and Alex's dad barely noticed me. So, with this disappointment in mind, I turned my thoughts back towards Franziska. I missed my savior. I knew she could relieve my frustrations. So, as soon as I arrived back in Germany, I immediately headed to Munich. Franziska picked me up at the Bahnhof. We greeted each other with a kiss, put my luggage in her car and got in.

"How was your trip?"

"Definitely out of the norm."

"Well, tell me." She looked excited to hear.

I was exhausted. "It's so good to be here. I've always wanted to come to Munich." I leaned towards her gently grabbing the back of her neck and kissing her. "Ok so, where to start?" I sighed from exhaustion.

She looked at me, a little bewildered.

"Well, we were in this badass apartment, just decked out in marble. It was in central Moscow, but there was no food there. I don't think anyone had lived there for quite some time. I think it was one of Alex's dad's old places. Alex and I only ate at an American BBQ joint, when we did eat. I did get to eat caviar at a nice restaurant in Red Square, though. Umm, we had a money fight and..."

"Money fight?" she spurted, perplexed.

"Ha, yeah. Well, he likes the Simpsons!"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, you know the old dude on the Simpsons with all the money?"

"Yeah?" she smiled.

"The old dude threw a bunch of cash at his assistant on the show—basically they did this like a past time, ya know, for fun."

"So, you guys just decided to have this 'money fight?'"

"Not exactly. Alex did. His dad gave him a ton of cash. It was all in rubles but it was worth a lot. So, anyway, we'd counted all of it earlier in the day and were sitting there watching the Big Labowski, when all of a sudden he yells, "Money fight!" Picks up a large amount of cash off the table and then proceeds to peg me in the head with a wad of quickly disintegrating cash."

"That's hilarious," she said as she broke into laughter.

"Yeah, no kidding! By the time we were finished, the marble floors were just littered with cash. We both felt pretty cool."

"Ben..." She shook her head and smiled at me.

"Oh, but the really cool part of it was when I first met his dad. We met him at his corporate headquarters. Apparently, he was really busy and was running about, so we were instructed to wait downstairs in the billiard room. We just chilled out there and ate all sorts of fresh fish off of silver platters and drank cold beer on draft. It was a classy place to hang out in, that's for sure, just decked out with tsarist class. Finally, someone came down and told us his dad was ready to see us. So, we go upstairs and walk into his office and there are like twenty businessmen there. I was kinda tripped out by all the people—I thought it would just be his dad, ya know? So I'm like looking around the room. Then all these people start coming up to me shaking my hand randomly, needless to say they were mostly Japanese or Chinese. Well, they did that bowing stuff they do. I couldn't help it and started to laugh. They must have thought I was rude, but I just couldn't help it. It was just the whole situation."

Franziska interrupted.

"Oh my God! So you're in this uber-wealthy guy's office laughing at all these Japanese people while you're shaking their hands?"

"Pretty much, but I got it under control and eventually stopped it. Anyway, so I didn't even know where his dad was in the maze of all the people. I'd never seen the guy. So everyone piled out of his office and then I see a man walking up to me. He just says, "Ben..." Shook my hand and then proceeded to say, "Alex's dad." So after that, this huge group of people continue down some stairs and they're all following after Alex's dad. Alex didn't really know what to do either, so we just kinda stood there on the steps and watched his dad shake a bunch of hands, break away from the group and walk into some back hallway."

I took a deep breath.

"But it gets more interesting. The same person who said his dad was ready to see us then runs up kinda frantic-like, tells us it's time to go. So, we rush down the same hallway Alex's dad had just gone down and then out some back exit to a gated parking lot. There are all these guys with machine guns, looking around and a bunch of black S class Mercedes parked everywhere. So, we pile into one of the Mercedes and the driver puts a big piece of paper in the front window that says something in Russian and then these gates open up and we drive out onto Arbat Street—that's like their main street in Moscow. So, anyway, were just cruising along and suddenly we get stopped behind a long line of cars at a traffic light. The driver then proceeds to drive in the oncoming traffic lane. I couldn't believe it, but people just pulled to the side of the road and let us pass. Then we go through the intersection and traffic stopped for us there, too. It was sooo crazy. I was trying not to laugh cause his dad seemed like a serious business dude and was on the phone, ya know. So, I just gave Alex a bewildered stare at which point he broke into laughter and buried his head into the driver's headrest as he laughed away. He definitely knew I hadn't seen that before."

I started laughing. Franziska just stared at me. She looked pretty amused.

"So yeah, that was the cherry on top. Then we had these two guys take us everywhere in a Land Cruiser. Both of them, needless to say, had little mini machine guns. So, yeah, it was definitely a trip outside of the normal. But I don't really think there is that much that's normal in my life anymore."

"Wow, yes, it sounds like it."

"Anyway, so that's it. Now let's go eat somewhere! I've hardly eaten anything this week. We were too lazy to eat for some reason. Plus I felt sick to my stomach all week, so that didn't help much either. I think it was all the drinking."

"Ok, but let's go to my place first and drop your stuff off."

We drove to her place in the heart of Munich and went upstairs to her apartment. It was an older place with eclectic character and wooden floors.

"This is my room," she said, pointing to a door. We walked into her room.

"Who else lives here with you?"

"My mom."

Buggar me.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean I live with my mom."

"She doesn't care if I stay with you?"

"Not at all."

I felt awkward. I couldn't register that this was possible in my head.

"Wow, no. It's just..." I shook my head. "This wouldn't fly in my area of the world."

"Well, welcome to my area."

"Interesting." I grew a smirk. Franziska opened a little box and pulled out a joint. She lit it, took a puff and passed it to me.

"You smoke here, too?"

"Yes, of course."

"Wow, ok."

She handed me the joint. I stared at it for a bit.

"So, I can really smoke here?"

"Yes. Don't be ridiculous."

"I don't mean to. It's just that this is a first for me." I took a puff and passed it to her.

I don't feel comfortable smoking here. Seems unnatural.

"Come on don't be so uncomfortable." She passed me back the joint.

"Wow, you read me like a book. No really, I'm sorry, this is just a tad trippy."

She grinned and then laughed at me.

"Whatever, you're right," I said. I smiled a nervous smile, kissed her then took a hit off the joint.

"So, I'm gonna take you all over Munich," she said excitedly.

"I really wanna check out the beer gardens and stuff like that."

"Yeah, that's first on the list."

"You have a list?"

"Are you kidding me? No."

"Good. I was thinking about getting on the next train and heading towards Switzerland. I don't date girls with lists."

She smiled brightly. "No need to do that—really."

Franziska showed me all around Munich and initially, we had a passionate time. I felt safe and comfortable in her arms and couldn't get enough of her. I forgot about all my troubles in her company. Everything was really looking up in my mind and she was the only reason for it. She was my savior, my new drug of choice. I believed she was the "one" and in her I could find the inner peace that had eluded me for so long.

The problem with her being my savior was simple: She didn't want to be. She was an incredibly free-spirited person and didn't like it when I clung to her for comfort. Actually, I would say she hated it. She just didn't like being treated like a child's blanket.

So the relationship fell apart almost as quickly as it had begun, leaving me in a state of emptiness once again. So, after my savior abandoned me, I got on the next train out of Munich, utterly distraught.
Chapter 16

After Franziska, I headed back to Montreux and partied more than I had ever partied before. I drank hundreds and hundreds of beers and smoked a small fortune in marijuana. The relationship I had believed would offer me peace of mind was gone, so I filled my time with partying in the attempt to forget what I had so briefly held and been overjoyed by.

My car finally came in early July and my driving reflected my inner state. I would often drive around in the Alps with blazing ferocity, power sliding around bends and generally just being reckless. When my parents came over for two months, my relationship with them fell into disarray because I just didn't care about anything except partying anymore. I didn't want to think about what I had lost or what I couldn't have. I didn't want to think at all. I knew they felt helpless to do anything for me.

My mom was especially concerned because of my near-constant drunkenness at the wheel. She told me to be incredibly careful and to stop the drinking, but I had no intentions of being careful or quitting the drink. I liked life on the edge, the power-sliding around corners with trance music blaring, joint in mouth and a beer in my lap. It made me feel a sense of euphoria and inner power that released me, at least in the moment, from the renewed and constant bombardment of my thoughts and fears. After all, I could control where my car went.

My mother tried to tell me about Jesus a lot that summer. I couldn't have cared less what she thought about Jesus. Every time she spoke about it I would fly into a rage, get in my Porsche, and drive down the mountain to Montreux to get plenty drunk and snort a few lines of coke with Igor. I had to get away from any Jesus talk—it nauseated me. I wanted no false hope. As I saw it, if God or Jesus wanted to save me or help me get what I really wanted, they should have done it a long time ago.

Any optimism that I had at the beginning of the summer was dwindling daily. I was becoming disillusioned with life, people, and all concepts of God. I just stopped caring and was finally able to disconnect from such thoughts regarding God. He wasn't going to help me; no one was going to help me; and that's exactly what I believed. Only I could help myself. I had to be the master of my reality somehow.

The summer came to an end and I wound up back in London in late August, a disoriented and hung-over mess. I wanted a nice place for the semester and wouldn't tolerate anything less. I was determined to get it, so I called Theo and asked him if he wanted to split the cost of a nice apartment with me. He was reluctant at first and told me his girlfriend would have to live with us. I told him that it was ok, and after a little more persuasion, I convinced him that it would be the best thing for all of us to move in together. I had sealed the verbal deal and was "taking charge." So, we met up.

"Mr. Theo, how are you?" I yelled across the street. I began to cross the road.

"Ja, good, man. This is my girlfriend, Efe," he said in his accent.

I looked at the tall woman standing next to him and faked exuberance.

"Hey, I'm Ben. Nice to meet you!" _That's how you have to do it. Just be phony and you will get ahead in this @#$% society. Just control this situation. Just control all situations._

I shook her hand. "Well, guys, I've already got an estate agent that's gonna meet us in Primrose Hill in an hour or so."

"Cool, man, very diligent."

"Come on, man, you know me—diligent my butt! But I am trying!"

I got a little sick to my stomach from mild withdrawal. I hadn't had a beer that morning.

"Let's grab a drink at the Washington while we wait?"

"Ja, that's a good idea."

"It's on me," I said.

Just coax them with a little generosity and you will get what you want.

We walked across the street from Alex's place and entered the bar.

"Thanks again, man, for helping me get my car this summer."

"Ja, man, you would have been totally messed up without a German speaker there."

"I know, beyond messed up." I grabbed Theo's shoulder and squeezed hard.

"Ya know, it took much longer than you said to get to Switzerland from Bremen."

"Ja? How much longer."

"Like five hours, you jerk."

"Ha! Vell, don't blame me." He drifted into a strong German accent.

"Ha?" I looked at him with a perturbed gaze.

"Yeah, _ha_!" He smiled.

I pointed an accusing finger at him.

"Because I love you, I will let that slide."

"Ja, whatever, man. You just drive slow."

"I drive a Porsche and my brain isn't fully developed, so you're wrong about that. I don't drive slow."

"Ja, whatever, just excuses from a lame excuse of a person," Theo smiled.

We ordered some drinks and sat down.

"I think we'll coexist well," I smirked.

"Ja, man, we're very relaxed and easygoing people, you know."

"Couldn't agree more."

We toasted. Efe just sat there and smiled.

"So, Efe, do you go to school?"

"I study at Westminster."

"What exactly?" I said.

"Photography."

"Oh, sweet. Yeah, I always wanted to be a photographer," I nodded my head in agreement with myself.

"Why don't you get a degree in it then?"

Because you don't make any money! Why do you think? Just be polite.

"Good question, I don't know."

I drank my beer quickly, got another one and sat down.

"So how was your summer?"

"Good, actually, really good. A bit boring but good," Theo said.

"Shoot, man, mine was the craziest of my life."

"Ja, vell, let's hear it."

"Well, you know I met that chick from Munich and all that jazz..."

Man, I miss her! She made me feel so good.

"Yeah, well, that was fun while that lasted, but after I left you in Bremen and arrived back in Switzerland. That's when it got really crazy. I mean talk about a nonstop party for two months, man. We got proper trashed for two weeks at the Montreux Jazz Festival. We were like the kings of the whole thing. We did coke with everyone, and I mean everyone. I smoked so much grass I'm still coughing up black muck. Alex came and bought enough vodka to get half the people at the festival smashed. I don't even remember all that happened. Just know it was crazy—it was a real debauched time. I loved it."

"Shoot, man, sounds like a good time," Theo said.

Wasn't all that anxious, didn't think too much, was in Switzerland, and had lots of people around to keep me company.

"Yeah, it was killer, man," I assured him.

I feel really ill from it, though.

"So did you party with Ivan at all?"

"No, man, I never saw him. He was in Russia the whole summer."

"I wonder if he changed at all."

That would be the day.

"That's highly unlikely," I shook my head and chuckled slightly.

"Well, I think we can look forward to having a lot of entertainment this year then, ja?"

I kinda miss the guy actually.

"You just made the understatement of the year. He'll probably get all the teachers jacked on acid."

"You know, man, if it was anyone else, I would say you're crazy—but he could do it."

"Seriously, I know he could."

We finished a couple of rounds at the Washington and met our estate agent.

"So it's the penthouse suite," the agent said.

I looked at Theo and Efe and smiled. They quickly returned smiles.

"It has a wonderful terrace." The estate agent pointed outside, past some sliding modern doors.

We followed her outside and onto the large triangular-shaped open terrace. I looked out at the train tracks and then the down the main street in Primrose Hill.

"I like this top floor stuff," I said to Theo.

"Ja, man, this is a really cool place."

"So you wanna take it?"

"Ja, man, this is the place for sure."

I turned to the estate agent. We shook hands on it.
Chapter 17

"Yeah, man, I'll be there in a second."

I hung up my phone and downshifted. I accelerated and flew over Marylebone Road and blew past Charing Cross Tube station. _God, I love having my car in London. So remember, Ben, you're gonna quit smoking and drinking once school starts. You have to do this to get ahead. You have to grab your dreams by the balls. Just tell Ivan this._ I pulled up to the bar they said they'd be at and parked my car. _I am a king! I'm nineteen and have a Porsche in London._

"I'm a made man," I said in an Italian mafia accent.

I walked inside and saw Daniel and Ivan sitting at a large, wooden, picnic-style table.

"Long time no see, man," I grabbed Ivan's hand, shook it and pulled him in for a hug.

"Yeaah, maaan," Ivan shouted in my ear. He looked full of glee. _God, he's really happy to see me. I have to say I'm kinda shocked considering how it was last time_. I peered over his shoulder and saw Daniel smiling at me. _He looks like he is on something._ He moped over and shook my hand.

"Hi, Ben."

"Daniel, how you been, man?"

"Very goood," he said with little enthusiasm in his deep Ukrainian accent.

"Good grief, man, you sure don't say that like you mean it."

Ivan butted in.

"That's because he's jacked on heroin," Ivan said with wide eyes.

Daniels smile widened.

"Shoot, man, heroin. That's extreme."

"Bliet, but it's good stuff, I brought it from Kiev. Do you want to try some?"

"No, man. Thanks, though."

Don't let curiosity get to you. You start doing heroin and you could be messed up for life, man. You already feel perpetually sick from this summer. Don't tack on anything more.

"Yeah, man, I quit all that stuff. I mean I am quitting. For school, ya know. I feel like death most of the time from all the stuff I've done this summer, especially all the drinking."

"Yeaah, man... me, too. I quit this junk as well," Ivan said enthusiastically, in a high-pitched tone.

I stopped and looked at Ivan. _I don't believe that._

"Ivan quitting drugs, now that would be the day," I said with a cheeky British accent. I laughed at the notion.

"No seriously, man, I didn't do anything but smoke grass every now and then in Russia. But it was bad grass, anyway."

"Yeah?" I said skeptically.

"Yeah, man, I just slept with nice Russian girls and did banya with my brother."

"Fair enough, man. Yeah, this summer was outrageous for me. Alex actually came to the Jazz Festival in Montreux. I was messed up the whole time—real good time. Spent a ton of money having fun, got laid some, and broke about every traffic law in Switzerland. Alex bought enough vodka at the club to get everyone wasted for days. We raced a few times. He always won, except in the mountains. Igor was constantly drunk. I mean constantly! He was always finding flower beds to pass out in along the shore of Lake Geneva. They were as good as his bed, it seemed."

"This is Igor," Ivan chuckled.

"Yeah, no kidding, so it was just a summer-long party, man. I still feel uber-hung-over from it. Which is why I am quitting this stuff. Just too much, ya know?"

"Yeah, man, but you have your car now," Ivan interjected with excitement.

"Yeah, man, I'll take you for a spin in it."

"Oh, nice, man."

"Guys, I'm gonna go back to the apartment and chill," Daniel said unenthusiastically.

"Bliet, Daniel..." Ivan started in on him.

"Vaness, nyet, not today, I'm gone." Daniel stood there and swayed a little.

"Ben, I'll see you around." He shook my hand and moped out the door. Ivan watched him leave and then looked at me and laughed.

"I don't think he had enough heroin. He's gonna go enjoy himself more, you know.

"Yeah, I know." I shook my head in disapproval.

"But, Ben, he got hooked on that stuff this summer."

"I can see that. He looks like death froze over—not all there, ya know? I mean, I always thought he was a little strange, but now he's just completely jacked up."

"Exactly. He doesn't even like to go outside anymore," Ivan said.

Daniel is like Ivan's little drug puppet, it's weird.

"Well, whatever, man, let's go for a cruise."

"Greaaat idea." Ivan slapped the table and stood up. We walked outside to my car.

"I've never ride in Porsche."

It's ridden, man. Why does that annoy me?

"Well, now ya will." We got in, started the car and I put the top down.

"Niiice, maaan, it's cabriolet."

"No, ya wanna know what's even better?" I put in a psychedelic trance CD. Maxed the volume as I gunned it.

"Whooo!" Ivan screamed as we drove off.

"Niiiice music, man!"

I pulled onto Marylebone Road and weaved in and out of traffic till we got to Baker Street. We drove down a side street, got onto Gloucester Place and then stopped at a red light.

"I've always wanted to gun it down this street."

He began to chuckle. "I... have a feeling, that, that's what we're gonna do."

I looked at him nodded my head and grinned. Ivan sat back in the chair and smiled. Red, yellow, green. Wrooom. We flew down the road. Ivan peered at my speedometer and began to yell.

"Seventy! Eighty! Ninety! One hundred! One ten! One fifteen!"

The light was turning yellow. I realized I couldn't stop in time.

"Ohh, man," I yelled, getting nervous.

"Go, go, go," Ivan shouted back.

Buggar it, you have to.

I held down on the gas and flew through the light a few seconds after it had turned red.

BEEEP! A bunch of car horns were blaring at me as I roared away from them.

"Yeaah, man. You're a king!" Ivan threw his hands up over his head as he screamed into the night sky.

Massive anxiety and adrenaline hit me as I slowed down.

"Woooow, that was nuts," I said.

Ivan was laughing hysterically.

"Yeaah, man, that's how you do it. That's how kiiings, do it!" He shouted over the music. I began to laugh nervously. My hands felt numb and I was kinda shaky _. I feel sick. Oh, that was too much!_

"Wow, that was insane," I said with all my available energy. _Get off this main road. There might have been cops that saw that_. I pulled onto the outer circle of Regent's Park and sped towards the college.

"Ya know, what I said about not drinking..."

"Yeah?" He smiled at me.

"Well, buggar that!"

"Yeaah, man, buggar that!"

I parked the car, lit a cigarette, briefly collected myself and we went to the college bar.

#

School started shortly after that and I eventually got the strength to stop drinking, despite the momentary relapse with Ivan. I tried really hard to do well in school, but there was one major problem. I had the shakes, the sweats. They were bad, really bad, and I couldn't focus at all. Because of all the additional anxiety that came from withdrawal, I began to smoke weed as much a possible to calm the symptoms. This, along with the withdrawal, did not help my studies.

Ivan and his roommate Daniel had also moved in right next door to Alex, which I knew agitated him a great deal—but that was just Ivan. What could he do, anyway, except for move? And that would have been an insult to Ivan, whom Alex had been friends with for four years. It's Russian culture, what can I say.

A week into school I sat there and tried to listen to the Russian teacher. Sweat poured off my face as I shook slightly. _Oh God, I feel sick. I want a beer, just one. No way, man! You just can't! You're having withdrawals, this is what you get for drinking so much this summer! You're so stupid, man! You have to quit this stuff if you want to get ahead in this world._ I tried to focus on what the Russian teacher was saying. _What in the heck is she talking about? This stuff is too dang hard. What the heck were you thinking, taking Russian? @#$%! I can't do this coming off of booze. Dang it, you idiot. You should have thought ahead. I am gonna quit this class. Take Spanish or some easy subject._

I sighed deeply. _No, you have to take Russian if you want an open door to do business in Russia._ I got anxious thinking of how difficult the semester was shaping up to be, then looked at my classmates.

They all look so dumb and happy. How can they just be like that? Oh yeah, because all of their parents are already uber-rich and they don't have a problem in the world. If I was rich like them I sure as heck wouldn't be in this dang college, or any college for that matter. Besides that, they never think. All they want is girls and champagne. These dang people! Really, man, this life you want is too much trouble. I'd settle with a nice little wife and a chalet in Switzerland right now. Why do I have to do this? This education @#$% is slavery. Everything seems like slavery. There has to be more than this.

The feeling of sickness lingered.

"Buggar this," I mumbled as I got up. I grabbed my books and walked to my car, threw my books in my trunk and got in.

I picked up the phone and called Ivan.

"Yo, man," he said.

"What's up, dude?"

"Daniel and I just moved the final stuff in to our new place."

"You said it was next to Alex's place right."

"Yeaah, man, it's right next door."

"All right, man, I'm coming over. By the way, do you have anything to smoke?"

"Of course I do. Come."

I started the engine, gunned it out of the parking lot and eventually made it to Belsize Park. I passed by Alex's red brick house, then the Washington bar. I heard loud trance music blaring from a house. I looked to my left, into a floor-level apartment with a sliding glass door open and saw Ivan dancing and playing music on his turntables.

"That's the place all right."

I found a parking spot and walked back towards Ivan and Daniel's new place. I waved to him from behind the metal fence that separated their place from the street. Ivan had a joint in his hand.

"What's uuup," he shouted from inside his new apartment.

_Way to not be conspicuous, Ivan_. I rounded the corner and headed into the parking lot of their complex. Ivan walked outside and met me, joint in hand.

"Here, man, sounds like you need this more than me." He handed me the joint.

"How'd you know?"

"I had a feeling, you know."

I looked around then took a couple of good drags off it. _God, I hope this eases the withdrawals._

"Man, sometime I wonder why I started doing this junk."

"Man, the reaaason why we do this @#$%... izzz... because it's the only @#$%," he shouted, and then began to laugh hysterically.

Good grief, what a worldview.

"Man, shut up." I shook my head while I took a puff.

He kept laughing hysterically.

We walked through the parking lot and into a grassy yard facing the rear of his ground level apartment.

"Man, but it has nice sliding door and _booom_ , you're right outside."

"Yeah, that's nice, man. Now I can just walk into your place from the street."

"Perfect right."

"Yep."

We walked inside his new place through the open sliding glass door. I took a couple more puffs and handed him the joint, which he quickly finished.

"Where's Daniel?" I asked.

"He's at school right now."

I'm surprised he isn't sitting on the couch like a zombie watching MTV.

"Oh, ok."

Poor Alex, now he has to endure Ivan's close company.

"Why'd you get a place so close to Alex?" I asked.

"The agent found it for us. I didn't mean to."

Yeah, right. Probably cause he doesn't hang out with you as much as he used to. Gotta stick close to get what you want, right, Ivan? Shoot, sometimes you're no better, though. Well, you sure as heck wouldn't do this.

"Cool." I sighed. "Well, I'm really gonna quit drinking, man."

"Like really, really?"

"Yeah, really, really, really... I was having bad withdrawals in class today."

"Maaann, you had a lot of fun this summer, didn't you?"

"Something like that."

It wasn't really all that fun, come to think of it.

"No, but seriously, man, I realized I don't want to quit everything, so I'll just smoke grass. The weed diet. All that mix and mash stuff jacks you bad."

"Doesn't jack me," he said as he lit another joint.

It sure doesn't. But why?
Chapter 18

Alex and I stood on his balcony overlooking the London skyline at sunset.

"Ben, please stop talking about how bad you feel. You did this to yourself you dumbbutt!" Alex said.

"It stinks, bro. I can't do anything about it. Why can't you feel a little mercy?"

"Mercy, man, are you serious? I kept telling you not to party like you did all summer but no, you just had to. You hung out with Igor and Roman all the time and just got messed up on everything."

I couldn't seem to help it.

"Well, so what, you partied, too."

"Yeah, but bliet... Not as much as you, man. You would drink a bottle of vodka every night we were at jazz and smoked like ten spliffs a day. You aren't gonna get any place like that."

"I realize that now, man."

"Do you really? I don't think you do. I have been hearing all this nonsense about you quitting all this boozing and drugging for months now."

"Well heck man, I quit the booze and now I just smoke a little grass every now and then."

"Bliet, Ben... You are at Ivan's house every day stoning yourself!"

"No, I'm not!"

"Yes, you are. I see your car up the street parked there for hours every day. You are there!"

I should have thought about that! Idiot!

"Dude, it's the only thing that helps me feel better. I feel horrible if I don't smoke. Why the can't you understand that?"

"Just be a man and quit that @#$% all together. Oh yes, it will hurt you a lot, but take that pain and dwell on it, so you don't do it again and again!"

"Come on, man, if you were sick you would take medication for it, ya know."

"Ben, really, man, that's @#$%! You just want to keep on getting messed up. Why can't you just be like normal people? I mean do you realize how much money you spent on all your "fun" this summer? You should have invested it or bought some new clothes. You look pretty ratty, man, and your clothes are always dirty. People talk about this, you know!"

People, I hate gossipy people!

"Look, man..." I said.

Alex sighed.

"I have to go, Ben. I am meeting Constance to do a project. Just stop smoking with Ivan all the time and take care of yourself."

"What the heck, man? I am taking care of myself."

"Ah, well, I am sure you are," Alex said sarcastically.

"Why you gotta be so harsh, man?"

"Ben, just go and get your laundry dry cleaned. Just do something. You aren't doing anything, man, except smoking every day at Ivan's place."

That's because I am miserable, man. Don't you get that? Can't you understand that at all? I feel like death all the time, so I don't want to do any thing else! I barely want to move!

"Well..." I said.

"Well, what? Ivan even told me you're messing up your school bad now it's only been a few weeks. He said you can't study worth a @#$% and all you like to do is get high! I expect this from Ivan, but not you, man."

"Oh, did that little jerk say that?"

"Yes, that 'little jerk' did!"

"Well, he does the same @#$% as me!"

"Yes, you are right—he does. But he functions, unlike you."

What is this? Why the heck is Ivan stabbing me in the back like that? I trusted that jerk not to say anything. He is just trying to make me look bad so he can get better standing with Alex. If I were Alex, I would trust me, more than that crazy dude. He's just trying to wiggle his way into Alex's life again by making me look worse.

Alex's phone rang. He picked it up and started speaking in Russian as he went inside his house shutting the door behind him. I stood there on his balcony in turmoil and looked out at the skyline. _Sometimes I feel like Ivan just wants me out of the way so he can have Alex all to himself. I just need time. I just need time._

"This is @#$%. I just need time to get better!" I said to myself.

I need to get the heck out of London and go somewhere pure. Shoot, man, school just started. Maybe I should go to rehab or something like that it's a good excuse to get outta school for a while. No, I think you can hack it. You need too, otherwise Ivan will slide right into your place. Just keep smoking a lot until the anxiety and sickness go away. Then you can get back on top.

I suddenly became angry.

"Dang it!" I slammed my fist into Alex's wooden balcony railing.

I just want to start my life over! Things just feel so dang dark sometimes.

#

A month went by and Alex had all but disappeared. My relationship with him had become strained due to my constant complaints of how sick I felt, my general negativity, and my drug use. He had found some new more sober and normal Russian friends to hang out with and speak about all things business-oriented. He was suddenly moving forward and I wasn't. Still, though, I wasn't worried about it and felt like I could rebound once I had "healed up" a little more. I just wasn't ready to fully re-engage life without any substance.

Nevertheless, Alex was never home. His lights were always off. His car was nowhere to be seen and he never answered his phone. I knew he was distant primarily because I was always hanging out with Ivan, his new neighbor, but I didn't care initially. I just needed to focus on myself and what I felt like I needed. Then I could get back on my feet and go forward again. I would clean up my act. Then I would have the energy to get new clothes and keep up appearances. Once I was back on top, I knew Alex would come around.

At the same time, school got harder and harder and I became less and less interested in trying to do well. I just wanted to get high and escape my reality. Russian was particularly nerve-wracking, and I was burned out by mid-October. I felt like I needed to get out of London, away from all the stress. I just wanted to hit the reset button. So when Ivan broached the idea that we should skip class for a week and go to Switzerland, I was in.

#

One day after class, Ivan and I walked into the computer room at the college. I logged onto the computer as Ivan stood over my shoulder and watched.

"So we fly to Zurich, I think," Ivan said.

"You wanna go to Zurich and not Geneva?"

"Yeaah, man, to heck with Geneva. There are no clubs or parties there."

I really should just stay here. That would be the wisest choice. All you're gonna do is party with them. I kinda want to party, though. It's been awhile. I just need a break! I can't force myself to sit through another dang class this week! Ah, buggar it, it's just a week of school that you'll miss. You're capable of catching up now that you basically quit drinking.

"Yeah, ok, well, I haven't really seen Zurich that much and I've always wanted to hang out there more."

"Yeaah, man, it's the coolest place in Switzerland, I think."

We scanned through EasyJet's flights to Zurich.

"Ok, here's the cheapest one," I said.

"Not bad, 120 franc."

"Yeah, it's round trip too."

"Man, I love this Easy Jet stuff."

"Yeah, it's cheap, man."

"But, man, can you do me a favor?"

Oh no. Not more money!

"What, man?" I said hesitantly.

"Can you get this flight for me and my brother?"

"You don't have money?"

"No, man, I do. But my father sent it to my brother. We will pay you back in Zurich."

Dang. Why do I always pay for this? I want to get out of here for a while though. Better to have people with you. I hate being alone anymore. I wish I saw Alex more. It's almost been a month since we really hung out.

"Yeah, all right—I got it, but seriously, man, I buy you @#$% all the time."

Ivan grabbed my shoulders and squeezed.

"Don't worry, man, we'll make it even in Zurich."

You'd better.
Chapter 19

Ivan had managed to persuade me. He said we would have the best time of our lives. Ivan also said he would be paying for everything when we arrived in Switzerland and that he would help me with the classes I had missed when we got back. He told me not to worry one little bit about it.

I was happy to say yes to such a proposition and felt like Ivan was a pretty good friend for it, despite the negative impressions I had racked up of him. I felt like he was really trying to redeem himself and pay back the debts he still owed me. It seemed like he had turned a corner.

When we got there Ivan said that the extra money his father was supposed to send to his brother via Western Union hadn't arrived. So, I ended up paying for almost everything myself, including the tab for Ivan and his brother. I had the suspicion that he had swindled me and had no intention of repaying me. But what could I do about it? Maybe he would surprise me somehow. One way or the other, I was stuck with them for the remainder of the trip and the flight back, so I just put on a happy face. What ensued during that week was clubs, some ecstasy, and continued marijuana use—all of which was graciously supplied by Roman. Oh, and I also began drinking a lot again because of everyone's encouraging words.

One day everyone left the hotel room to go and get some weed. I was suspicious so I stayed behind and snooped through Ivan and Alexander's bags. In Ivan's bag I found about a two thousand Swiss francs. I was furious but I also didn't want to confront him about it because I had snooped around in their bags. I still hoped that he would surprise me somehow. I wanted to play things right; I didn't want to mess up any more friendships. It wasn't until we left Zurich on the train for Geneva, and I ended up paying for everyone's fare, that my emotions culminated into a boil.

_Why did I come on this trip with these jerks? I feel really sick again! I shouldn't have skipped school for this! Why do I keep hanging out with Ivan and his @#$% brother? All they ever do is take money from me. I haven't gotten a penny that I was promised. It's total bull! What do I get in return? Called a jerk because I don't want to get messed up on E at Rohstofflager Club! Why did I give in and do it? Now I'll feel depressed for the next week or two because of those bloody chemicals._ I took a deep breath and looked at all the blank faces on the train. _There's so many people on this dang train. Is anyone happy?_ I looked at Igor. _Wasted as usual._ Then I looked at Ivan and his brother. They look jacked, as well _._ Roman was chatting on his phone, swaying a bit from all the beer we had in Zurich. _You've got to get your life under control. Enough of this. Come on, man, you gotta address this, stop being a coward! Take what's yours and change this dynamic!_

"Seriously, Ivan, I always pay for everything," I angrily blurted.

"Bliet, shut the heck up," he said with a malicious tone.

"No, man, you shut the heck up."

He looked at his brother and laughed.

"Whats so funny, you piece of @$%? I pay for everything and you laugh at me. You owe me at least five thousand pounds by now."

He leaned forward. "@#$% you."

Months of pent up anger and frustration built into a rage.

"You pay me or I'm gonna beat your butt bad," I shouted angrily.

Alexander leaned forward and glared at me.

"Don't talk to my brother like that," he said calmly.

"Shut up, Alexander, this doesn't have a thing to do with you."

"Yes, it does."

"No, it doesn't," I mocked him.

"Ben, shut up, man, you are a jerk," Alexander said.

I'm a jerk? You jerks take money from me! Got me hooked on drugs and now I'm a jerk!

I lost it.

"@#$% you, you @#$%*%$ midget, and @#$% your pathetic excuse for a brother. You @#$%* are just a bunch of @#$%^&* barbarians, a bunch of low-class thieving Russian @#$%*. I know you have two thousand francs in your bags."

I turned my gaze and pointed at Ivan.

"And you even said..."

Whapow. Whapow.

_What the heck just happened?_ My only pair of new glasses fell off of me. I saw them lying on the floor of the train, one of the stems was broken. I picked up the frame and stem of my glasses. _How am I gonna see anything now? I don't have any contacts with me._ My head was humming from the punches inflicted on the side of my face. I was in slight shock. _I can't believe that little midget hit me. That little midget hit me._ Intense hatred gripped me. I swung back hitting Alexander somewhere in the face.

"That's right you son of a gun, did you like that?"

I saw his blur move forward swiftly.

Whapow. Whapow.

_I can't see anything and this guy hits me again. Well, that's it._ I began to swing wildly in his general direction. I landed a couple of strong punches on him before I was struck again.

Whapow. Whapow.

_Son of a..._ Intense pain throbbed through my face. _That little man hits hard._

I couldn't see where his punches were coming from. Again out of sheer anger I swung wildly at him, hitting him somewhere in the torso, a couple of times.

He retaliated again. Whapow. Whapow.

Pain ripped through my head. _I can't really see where his punches are coming from. Buggar me, am I not hurting him? I am twice his strength and I am throwing my weight into it. I'm sure as heck hurting_.

"Ok, ok. Let's stop this!"

I waved my hands out in front of me.

"Votsuka," Alexander cursed me.

I felt like I was going to cry. _Don't cry_. I took a deep breath and focused on my anger, so I wouldn't cry.

I picked up my glasses and held the frame to my eyes. Through them I saw Alexander sitting arms crossed looking directly at me with an evil glare on his face. _Why doesn't he look phased?_ _I know I hit him hard, a couple of times._ I peered around the train and saw all the rush hour commuters just staring at us in bewilderment. I could read their minds. _Bloody_ _foreigners!_

"Way to hit a guy who can't see, you piece of @#$%!"

I stood up, still holding my glasses to my face so I could see. I looked at Igor. He just looked at me with wide eyes, in shock. Then I turned my eyes to Roman. He shrugged his shoulders and stared at me like he hadn't seen what happened. Then I looked at Ivan. He just grinned maliciously at me. _No one even tells those dang brothers they are in the wrong. What the heck is wrong with these people?_

"Ya evil barbarians," I shouted at Ivan and his brother.

I walked to the bathroom to see if everything was in tact. I looked in the mirror. I was bleeding slightly from my forehead. _What just happened? What am I doing here? My only friends are fighting me now. Why do I do this stuff? This danged alcohol and all these horrid drugs!_ _I_ _want to go home! This isn't worth it! This just isn't worth it!_ I pounded my fists down on the bathroom sink.

"This is bull," I shouted.

_My life stinks_. I began to cry. _Why can't it just be like I want it to be?_ Tears streamed down my cheeks. _Wow, you haven't cried in years._ I kept crying. I sat down on the bathroom toilet and buried my head in my hands. I just sat there sobbing for ten minutes. Thoughts rushed into my head _. You've messed up everything up in your life. You're a nervous wreck. You can't go a day without smoking grass and now you're drinking again_. _You can barely even remember what your mother looks like. You hang out with a bunch of crazy Russians, who really seem like they hate you and want to do you in. You live in a big, dirty, stinking city. You probably won't pass this semester and the only good friend you have doesn't wanna hang out with you cause you're too jacked up most of the time and can't look the part. God I miss Alex! God I miss Franziska! I've messed up both of those relationships._

I began to cry again. _I just want peace. I just want goodness, love, and some purity in my life. Why is that too much to ask?_

"What the heck, God? Why not? Is that such a burden for you? I thought you were the big guy in the sky! Creator of the Heavens and the Earth!"

I stood up and looked at myself in the mirror.

"Whatever!"

I looked at my bloodstained forehead and then my reflection.

"This is pointless. Everything is meaningless."
Chapter 20

_I am really beginning to hate London_. I sat on the edge of my bed, lit a cigarette and stared at my wall. _I_ _need to go to class. I can't. Just go! I can't!_ My phone began to vibrate. _Who the heck is that?_ I looked at the screen. _@#$%._ _What can Ivan possibly have to say to me? Don't pick it up. Don't answer. I don't really have any other friends though. God, how did this happen? I wish Alex would pick up my calls. I wish I could just start my life over from scratch_ , _I wish I could be a kid again_. The phone continued to vibrate.

"Oh, why the @#$% not?"

I answered the phone.

"Whaat's up, maaan," he said as if nothing had happened.

This Russian is driving me nuts.

"What do you want?" I said in an exhausted tone.

I took a drag off my cigarette. I felt incredibly weak emotionally.

"Let's go to the baaarr!"

"To be perfectly honest, man, I don't want to go to the bar with you ever again."

"Bliet, why not?"

"Because you guys swindled me in Switzerland. In fact you always swindle me."

"Nooo, man. We didn't."

"Dude, just shut up. You can't possibly believe that."

"Duuude, relax. We were all messed up and having a bad day. I am gonna pay you back. I just didn't have any money cause we spent it all in Zurich and I owed Roman."

Roman comes first, eh? It's all bull, anyway.

"Oh, I really believe that. Besides, you said you'd get me back on the trip and you lied again. You always lie. You had the money."

"Nooo, seriously, Ben. As soon as I get the money I'll pay you. I just wanted to party and get messed up."

_Well, I can actually understand that. What else is there to do? But, it could take a millennia for me to get my money back._ Anger returned to me as I rehashed what had happened.

"Dude, your brother hit me when I got into it with you. I mean, what the heck! I have only ever been cool to you guys. Then I get called a jerk and hit for it!"

"Maaan, look. We were all messed up, man, but that's not the point. I don't have that kind of money right now but come chill out, let's smoke a spliff, and I'll buy you some beers. I'll make up for it."

That sounds really nice right now. I'm lonely as heck, anyway. What else are you gonna do? To heck with school.

"Fine, but you owe me big, man," I said sternly.

"Ok, for sure Ben. I will pay you back. But come to my place now, smoke a spliff, and we'll go to Washington bar."

It's nice to hear that he is enthusiastic about hanging out with me. He keeps this up and maybe, just maybe I'll at least get back some of my money. Now the ball's in his court; I'm in control of this now.

"Ok, fair enough, I'll be over there in a little bit."

"Niiice!"

"All right, peace, man!"

I hung up the phone, threw my jacket on and grabbed the keys to my car. I took the elevator down to the basement car-park and got into my car.

"What are you doing?" I said to myself.

I sat there for a moment and stared at my dashboard. _Why do you keep hanging out with this guy? I can't seem to get away from him. It's like he has got some sort of hold on me. I want to, but I don't have the energy to make any new friends right now. I don't want to fool with Theo, either. That stuff he pulled the other day was really messed up. I can't believe he started screaming, "@#$% Jesus!" in the middle of the street. What a drunk crazy @#$%! What the heck would posses a person to do something like that? I would never do anything like that even if I was trashed, and what the heck would someone who doesn't believe in God scream, "@#$% Jesus," for? Doesn't make a bit of sense! Man, these people are crazy! Besides that, all he ever does is sit on that dang couch and smoke tons of cigarettes with Efe. It's depressing—no, I'm depressed. I need better people in my life. Call Alex again. Maybe he'll pick up this time._ I rang him. The ring stopped prematurely.

"Ignore button, right," I said in a defeated tone.

_That's depressing. I'm depressing. Maybe it's me being so depressed that keeps him from hanging out. Maybe it isn't Ivan at all. Or maybe Alex thinks we're all messed up. We are all messed up! But I don't want to be! How do I stop this?_ I sat there pondering my question.

"God help me, please just help me!" I begged.

I sat there waiting in hope for a few moments but got no answer or help. _Dang it. To heck with you, God!_ I sighed. _You really have no choice but to hang out with Ivan. He's a lot like you sometimes, anyway. He likes to get messed up. You like to get messed up. He likes to do what he wants and won't listen to anyone else. You like to do what you want and won't listen to anyone else. We are like two peas in a pod. He's your only friend. Dang, but how did this happen again? How did I get into this mess, how did I become like this?_

I began to think about all my indulging over the last year. _All the smoking and drinking started out fun, but now it's never enough. I can never get the joy I used to from it. Sex, it was always nice but I have never had a lasting relationship with anyone, so it seems pointless. Just more momentary pleasure! You're never satisfied with the money you have, even though you are far richer than ninety-nine percent of the world._ _And you're lonely as heck—shoot, I would rather be treated like total dirt and be around someone, than be totally alone!_

I got anxious thinking about all of it. _Just go and smoke with Ivan, you'll feel better. Tune out, just get high, and zone him out if he starts to annoy you!_

"Yeah, buggar this."

I started the engine and headed for Ivan's place.

Chapter 21

I continued to hang out with Ivan despite his increasingly maniacal behavior and malicious ways. I was completely apathetic and had become fully depressed. It wasn't until one night in early December that I was certain that something was seriously, seriously off with Ivan.

Ivan put his bong down, stiffened up as he sat on our couch, then exhaled a large plume of smoke.

"Ivan, please don't smoke weed in here," Efe said in a frustrated tone.

"Ja, man, go outside to smoke. Efe doesn't like it," Theo agreed.

I don't feel like telling Ivan what he can and can't do tonight. Never listens to me, anyway. I told him multiple times tonight that we should only smoke in my room.

"Come on maaan," Ivan prodded Theo.

"No, man, seriously, Ivan, go outside," Theo said.

I doubt he'll listen to Theo.

"Bllliiiet," Ivan shouted, and kicked the edge of the table.

"What the heck, man? Why did you do that?" Theo said out of confusion.

Ivan swaggered towards Theo and pointed at him.

"Becaaause... I don't know," he said trippily, swaying back and forth.

_Dang, he's gone_. Efe looked at me as though I could stop him _._ I shook my head at her.

"Sorry," I said.

Suddenly Ivan was in my face.

"Sooorrry," he mocked, and then began to laugh.

"Come on man, knock it off, no one likes it when you're like this," I said.

"Liiike whaaat?"

"Like you are right now," I said calmly.

"Which izz?"

"Man, whatever. You never want to change. Why can't you just be somewhat normal?"

"Normal, _haaa_! @#$% your normal," he yelled and gave me the wide eyed Hitler stare as he pointed his finger in the air to emphasize his point.

_He is jacked up again and he doesn't care._ I looked over at Theo then Efe. _Let's go outside. At least if he follows us out there, he can't break anything._

"Let's go outside guys," I said calmly.

"Ja, good idea."

Theo and Efe walked ahead of me onto our large terrace outside. I began to head towards the terrace when a bottle of empty vodka whizzed by my head at high velocity. It slammed into the wall but didn't break. I turned quickly towards Ivan.

"Man, you jerk, you almost hit me in the head with that!" I shouted.

"Ivan," Theo shouted angrily from outside as he began to head towards Ivan.

I motioned with my hand for Theo to stop. Theo let out a deep sigh and then shook his head from frustration.

Ivan poured himself another shot of vodka, drank it then slammed it on the table.

"Alllmost, but no," he said defiantly.

"What the heck is your problem? You're totally mad!" I said angrily.

"You, bliet, are my problem!" he said, full of hatred.

I felt an eerie chill run down my spine _. What the heck did I ever do to him? I buy him all sorts of stuff. I'm one of the main guys he hangs with and I'm his problem? I even stopped asking him for money back. Give me a break, you drunk piece of @#$%._

"You know what, @#$% you, man. You can't go on like this. You're acting absolutely crazy!"

"Haaa, crazy, you don't know crazy, bliet!"

"I know you, don't I?"

He pulled some weed out of his pocket and stuffed another overflowing bowl into his bong. He lit it and in one solid inhalation finished the entire bowl. He stood there swaying back and forth for a few seconds, then exhaled another enormous cloud of smoke.

Just calm down. He is drunk and stoned. You can be a real jerk sometimes when you are really gone. Just try to reason with him—maybe he will listen for a change.

"Dude, come on. You've really got to calm down. No one likes it when you're like this!" I tried to reason with him.

"Yeaah, bliet?"

Suddenly Ivan sprinted outside onto our terrace. I followed him calmly outside and lit a cigarette.

"Dude, what's your problem..."

Ivan began to climb onto the brick wall that separated our terrace from the eighty-foot drop and then proceeded to grab onto the gutters of the flat roof, which hung out adjacent to the patio wall. _Is he gonna do what I think he's gonna do?_ I looked at Theo in horror. Efe looked at me expectantly as I dropped my cigarette.

"Stop him," she said nervously.

What the heck am I gonna do? I could fall and die if I try to help his dumb butt.

"Ivan, cut it out, man."

He began to inch his way out on the gutters like a monkey until he was hanging eighty feet from the ground.

"Ivan, stop it, man," I pleaded with him.

"Ja, Ivan... @#$% man, come back over here."

If he falls, he's dead.

"Dude, you'll die if you fall. Please, man, come back here."

Ivan released one of his hands from the gutter. He hung there suspended from the gutter with one arm. Efe screamed and then turned away. Theo hugged her tightly as he watched Ivan in horror. I refocused my attention to Ivan and stared at the spectacle. _He's gonna fall! He's gonna fall!_ Nausea hit me _. I feel like I'm gonna throw up_. I took a deep breath.

"Ivan, please man, get back over here," I said with a tremor in my voice.

He spread his legs apart then flipped me the bird with his free arm.

_What the heck?_ I stood there in a state of anxiety and terror. _He's insanely crazy. How is he doing this? He has had so much vodka and grass today!_

He hung there for a few more moments with one arm, then grabbed the gutter with his other arm and pulled himself up onto the flat roof of our apartment. He ran back and forth on the roof.

"Yeaah, whooo!" he shouted in a triumphant tone.

I sighed with relief. Then looked at Theo.

"HOLY @#$%," I shook my head with wide eyes.

"Ja, HOLY @#$% is right, Ben."

Efe looked like she wanted to cry while Theo kept hugging her.

"Whooo," Ivan yelled as he continued to jump up and down on the roof.

Why doesn't he care about anyone? Why would he do that? How did he not slip or fall? Why wasn't he afraid?

He jumped about ten feet from the top of the roof onto the terrace where we were, landing squarely on his feet with little bend in his knees.

Dang, doesn't that hurt! Who cares. What an absolute jerk!

Rage hit me.

"What the heck, man!" I screamed as I approached him.

I pushed him so powerfully into the wall his head bounced off it. I thought I had hurt him, but Ivan just squinted and grinned evilly at me. _What the heck?_

"You're totally trashed, man! You've smoked so much tonight, you could have just died!"

Theo just stared at him in disgust.

"Ja, you @#$%. You drank a bottle of vodka, too. Don't ever do that stuff you pulled at our place again."

Ivan continued to stare evilly into my eyes, then belched in my face. _Man that stinks_! I let go of him and walked towards Theo and Efe _. What a foul person_! I stood there trying to digest what I had just witnessed. I pulled out a cigarette in shock and lit it.

"Give me one," Theo demanded.

I handed one to Theo and lit it for him.

"Shoot," I sighed.

I leaned back against the wall, totally bewildered by Ivan's actions. I followed him with my eyes as he confidently walked back inside, loaded another bowl into his bong and took another big toke. I shook my head and looked at Theo.

"The guy's really lost it!"

"Ja, man, I've never in all my life seen anything like that."

I sighed deeply.

"Me neither, man, me neither."

I peered back inside at Ivan. He poured a glass full of vodka and then chugged it in a few seconds. He jogged happily back outside and stopped in front of me.

"You need to leave now Ivan," I said to him in a patronizing manner.

"Ja, man," Theo shook his head in agreement with me.

Ivan pointed to both of us and shot a wide-eyed, evil gaze our way. He then sprinted back to the wall and began to climb up on it before I could stop him.

"Oh, no!" I said.

Anxiety crunched my soul.

I heard Efe gasp.

He climbed out onto the gutter again, dangled there for a bit then pulled himself back onto the roof. He lit a cigarette on the roof, then jumped back down to our terrace and landed in the same manner. I stared at him in shock. I was speechless. He pointed his finger at me.

"Now I am going!" he screamed at me, mere inches from my face, then turned around. He swaggered into our living room. He picked up his bong, grabbed one of the half-empty bottles of vodka off the kitchen table and walked out the front door.

Who is this guy? Is he for real? What the heck is he?
Chapter 22

After the rooftop gymnastics that Ivan pulled I didn't speak to or hang out with him at all. I had had it. He was too much for me and I knew that something about him wasn't normal. He just gave me the creeps. I avoided him at all costs and withdrew for the semester after I realized I couldn't catch up. After I withdrew from school, I entered into a horrible depression.

I felt like I had utterly failed at life. My relationship with Alex seemed to be in shambles. I had failed my parents and myself. I was miserable, and my flat mates knew it. Theo and Efe called one of Efe's girlfriends and told me that I would have a girlfriend shortly. I was taken back and really didn't believe them, but a German girl named Kate immediately came to London. It was just as they had said. We hooked up the first day. I didn't feel anything for her at all but I was still happy to have a woman around. It was an easy relationship, almost too easy, and she jumped right into it without me even trying. I thought this was incredibly strange, but was still happy to have someone. I just wanted touch in my life; I felt that this could ease my dark depression.

Still, I felt incredibly guilty—more guilty than I had ever felt, especially after every sexual encounter. I felt like I was dirty and vile, and to make that feeling worse, the nagging biblical thoughts were still there, telling me what I was not. I began to notice that after every time we would have sex, I would become weaker emotionally, more disgusted with myself, and more dead and dark in my soul. It was a very strange revelation. To boot, her atheistic and meaninglessly dark belief system made me feel even more miserable.

I felt like there was something wrong with her. There was just this darkness and emptiness in her eyes that began to make me nauseous. Finally, after I couldn't stand being around her any longer I drove her to the train station and sent her home. It was then that the most pervading darkness began to envelop me. I felt like I had been _cursed_ by someone. I couldn't seem to break free from anything, no matter how hard I tried to will myself to. One day as I sat alone in my room I became barraged by horrendously anxious thoughts.

How did my life take such a bad turn? You don't even talk to anyone anymore.

"I just can't seem to kick this @#$%. I really feel like I'm a cursed, man."

Is that possible? Nah! I don't believe in that stuff.

I reached for my bong. _You don't have to do this._

"@#$% it."

_I've already done it five times today, no use in trying to stop now._ I lit the bowl and took a hit off it. _At least you've cut down on the drinking again. Smoking grass has got to be better for your health than constantly drinking._ I stood up. _Get outside._ _You haven't been outside in days. Man, you're just like Daniel. It will make you feel better. Don't be like that freak!_

"God, I don't even feel high. This stinks!"

I picked up my bong and finished off the bowl. _Maybe that will do something._

"Oh," I sighed.

I slowly put my jacket on, grabbed my keys and went outside. I headed towards Primrose Hill. _Eh, go grab a beer. And stop trying to be perfect._

"Never worked, anyway."

You're such a screw up!

"I need a cigarette."

I pulled one out and lit it, exhaling a thick cloud of smoke into the cold damp winter air. _I like the way that looks._

"Well, at least that's one thing I still like."

I began to walk to the park at Primrose Hill. _Dang, I guess this is the real deal depression, but seriously..._

"What the heck is all this about?"

I took another drag of my cigarette as I wondered what the point of life was. I walked towards the bridge that separated Camden Town from Primrose Hill. A strange feeling came upon me.

"What am I feeling?"

_I feel completely empty. Dead! Depressed! I really hate myself. I hate who I've become. I don't feel like I am who I have become._ The feeling lingered and almost felt tangible. _This is bizarre!_ I looked up at the sky while I walked across the bridge. White clouds floated, against the deep blue of the sky. The sky felt gray and dull. I stared at the clouds, then shifted my gaze to the sky. _Where does the sky begin? Where does the blue come from? What is blue?_ It came from nowhere and hit me. I stopped walking as something was forced into my mind.

_D_ _O YOU EXIST_ _?_

Blackness covered my mind. Dread entered my heart. _Do I exist?_ My whole reality felt like it was crumbling.

_What? What does that mean? Do I exist? I don't have an answer for that. How do I truly know if I exist? Am I alive?_ I became terrified by the confusion and felt like I was about to go crazy.

"Ohhhh, man!"

The ground suddenly felt like it would swallow me. A lack of goodness had overcome me. I slapped myself in the face to feel something.

"Get a beer!"

_Get around people! To heck with this_ _!_ I sprinted to the nearest bar and got as drunk as I could, as quickly as I could.
Chapter 23

After that experience I called my mother and told her what was going on with me. She was incredibly worried and told me to come back to America and be with the family for Christmas. She assured me that they would give me another shot at school in London and that I could start again in February. So, within a week I was on the ski slopes of Aspen, Colorado.

While in America I got active and off the booze and drugs with the help of my parents. Now I was forced to confront my depression and my thoughts no matter how much I desired not to. I questioned my existence and the way I was living, constantly.

I pondered how I could exist, even though sometimes I didn't want to. I tried to understand what made me exist and what made my mind, will and emotions exist. How could my soul come into existence just because I had been born? What made me _me_ , even though I didn't want to be me? I dabbled in attempts to make myself un-exist by trying to think deep and un-existent thoughts. It clearly didn't work and all I felt was the horrifying absence of goodness in my thoughts.

I also thought about death a lot and tried to envision eternal blackness. I thought about not existing after I was dead. I wondered if this was possible and tried searching out all the angles. I realized that if it was, then my whole life should be lived by my own compass and based on my own absolutes and that there should be no such thing as any universal morality. Then I thought if everyone did this, the whole world would be full of chaos. This realization frightened me a great deal because I saw that this indeed was how the world was becoming. Everyone's relative beliefs were defining the world's absolutes.

I also knew I couldn't circumvent my conscience; it was there without my approval. All I could do was drown it with booze or smoke it into oblivion. I had morality; I had always had it, and it came from the innate knowledge of good and bad. Besides that, I had already tried circumventing it and burying it by using all sorts of methods; from sex and drugs to travel and consumerism. Attempting to bury it through pleasure hadn't worked well and was merely an avoidance measure.

Not only had my conscience protested against much of what I had desired and had done, but in the process, it had nearly brought me to mental ruin by just making itself known to me in the midst of my rebellion. The guilt it brought was overwhelming, and was only contributing to my existential depression; my conscience was a real problem for my peace of mind.

On the other hand I also realized that if I had listened to my conscience, then I wouldn't have gotten myself into the drugs, alcohol, depression, sexual indulgence, and destructive friendship with Ivan or the poisonous people of my past. My conscience could have been my best ally, but instead it was my most hated enemy. Still, though, I knew that I couldn't have lived my life any other way—I was in a sense a slave to my own desires. My desires are what propelled me forward, into the future I still hoped for. There was no way I could kill my own desires because those were the very desires that kept me living and moving forward. My life had to be about fulfilling my desires. What else was there? I believed that what I had done was right; it couldn't have been any other way or I wouldn't have moved in the direction that was _me_. I would have voided myself.

To me, a life lived with constantly postponed desire or devoid of desire was no life lived at all. Although my conscience may have been right and wise, it was wrong and foolish all the while. Sure, it would have enabled me to live a more patient, stable, guiltless, and boringly normal life. But that was an unfulfilled life in my eyes, and wasn't right or wise either.

If I had listened to conscience, I would still be a virgin, I would never have gotten drunk, and I wouldn't have thought about all the angles of life. I felt like I wouldn't have experienced anything. I would have been like a lame Amish person in a boxed in society. I would have been like the people I had grown up with. I loathed the notion of being like them, but something in me also desired it.

I desired a return to purity, but I knew that there was no going back now. I was too impure to ever be pure again. So, I had to keep going on the path I had set out on and I had to see it to the end. I had to find joy in being myself. My mind was in a stalemate with itself and my conscience was still there despite my wishes. It was in a checkmate.

After thinking a great deal about everything for a month while on my sabbatical in America, I came to a conclusion. Ultimately, I wanted power over myself and over my reality. I had had a revelation, and now a new belief suggested something to me that I found very alluring. If I could prove my conscience wrong with the power of my mind and find a loophole, then in essence it would have to cease to exist in its current form. Then I could be liberated.

So, I began to meditate on the new idea that maybe if I found some sort of hidden knowledge or power, that all the problems I had experienced so far could be solved. Maybe through unconventional means I could win this battle over conscience. I could prove it wrong. Then I could have what I wanted, when I wanted it, and be free in a new reality where my conscience became joined with my desires and lusts. The old way would be dead and I would finally be alive. My existential crises would be solved.

What if my barriers were all just barriers because I really didn't believe in myself and couldn't overcome my bad conscience with my true good conscience, which I had yet to meld with my desires? What if I could create a world of my own making with my new conscience? What if my mind could control my reality and destiny? What if I could have that kind of power by merely destroying the knowledge of bad conscience and replacing it with the good conscience, which ran parallel to my desire? What if this all lay in some sort of spirituality that was outside of the traditional? What if I had missed the boat by dwelling on my conscience and delusions of God too much? What if there was no God but it was all just spirituality that you had to find for yourself, just like all the uber-rich people at my college say? I gravitated towards these thoughts and became more interested in the ideas I was having. They were liberating and made all my lustful desires feel justified. Maybe this was what it was really like, but how could I know unless I went far enough into that rabbit hole—and how could I do that? How could I force myself into this knowledge?

One way or another, I had to break through this barrier that held me back from getting everything I wanted. I had to be free! Free from everything, from all constraints. Free to worship my new conscience. Free to worship my desires which were my conscience. If that way of life was possible, then I could manage to be liberated; to be my own God. If I was my own God then I could do whatever I wanted. I wouldn't need Alex as a savior, I wouldn't need a woman as a savior, I wouldn't need anything as a savior, if I could just have it my way. I could be my savior. I would get to where I wanted, how I wanted, and I would have people around me in the capacity that I wanted. It would be just as I pleased. The thoughts engrossed my mind.

I eventually made it back to London and was able to manage the drinking and smoking. I greatly minimized my old habits, and in comparison to past times, I barely indulged. I was more interested in thinking soberly. I was more interested in achieving power. School started shortly after I arrived back in London and I made a new friend with a fellow Texan named Cody. Cody was a huge guy—about three hundred pounds of mostly muscle and six-foot-five. One day after class I offered to take Cody to the bank in my car in an attempt to grow the relationship.

We kept walking through the car-park towards my car.

"Thanks for taking me to the bank, man," Cody said in his Texan accent.

"Any old time you need it, man."

"Cheers, Ben."

We got into my car and pulled out of the car park.

"Shoot, man, I forgot my statement."

"Ok, so?"

"Well, I gotta get it real quick."

"It's at the school?" I said.

"Yeah, it will only take a few minutes to get it."

I pulled up in front of the entrance to the college and I idled in front of it.

"Well, go get it then."

Cody barely squeezed out of my little Porsche. I watched as he went through the front entrance of the college. I sat back as far as I could in my car, lit a cigarette and then put the top down. About the time the top was fully down I saw a man come out the front entrance of the college. He looked to be in his late forties and was casually strolling my way with a walking stick. I watched the man as he stared straight up at the sky for a couple of moments and then walked all around the perimeter of the college entrance admiring everything from the grass to the architecture of the building. Suddenly his eyes became fixated on me. He began to walk directly towards me like he had something to say.

"What the...?" I mumbled to myself before he got too close.

"Hello, how are you?" he said in an indiscernible accent.

"Um, good."

"Are you really good?"

"What?"

"Are you really good?" he questioned again.

"I suppose so," I said a bit perplexed by his question.

Why the heck do you care?

"So you like all this?" he said calmly as he pointed around the campus.

I looked around the campus and admired the beauty of the gardens.

"Yeah it's nice, ya know. It's a decent school for sure."

"A lot of money here!"

"Yeah, you can say that again," I nodded my head in agreement.

"Lots of rich and powerful people will come out of here."

"You're likely right," I chuckled.

Hope I'm one of 'em. No, I will be one. Start thinking you can do it, man. The power of positive thinking is the key. Don't doubt yourself or your ability.

"Is that what you want?"

"Well, I guess. I mean why not, ya know. What else is there?"

"Do you like the girls here?" he probed.

"Uh yeah, I guess so, man," I tried not to make an odd face.

Why is he asking me all these questions? Who is this guy and why is he talking to me?

The man suddenly stared up at the sky again and began to smile. He quickly turned his gaze back to me and looked me intensely in the eye. There seemed to be a level of unconditional love directed towards me.

"Promise me you'll do something!" he said forcefully.

"Huh?" I tilted my head back, a little shocked.

"Promise me you'll do something?"

It was like he was asking me to make a life or death decision on a moment's whim. Why the heck not! Besides, this is kinda interesting.

"Sure, I promise," I said, somewhat reluctantly.

He changed his demeanor and began to smile. "Thank God every day," he said lovingly with a wide smile.

_Good chills ran down my spine._ Something felt unusual about the man.

"Wha... What did you just say?" I stuttered a bit and my eyes welled with tears.

"Thank God every day of your life," he said as if he was speaking into my soul.

_Whoa._ Something about it hit me. _I should thank him more! I have been realizing a lot lately. Maybe this is from the real God._

"But..." I started.

"Just promise me you will," he interrupted, smiling.

"I promise, I promise," I said quickly.

"Good, then, that's good. You'll do it, then," he said.

I just looked up at the man's smile. It was genuine. _This is so, so strange._

"Yes, yes... I'll do it," I said in slight shock.

Suddenly I thanked God for my life and for my thoughts. About that time I saw Cody walking out of the main entrance. He strutted all three hundred pounds of himself to my car and took a quick glance at the man while he got in.

"Do you like this school?" he asked Cody.

"Yeah, I really do," Cody said.

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah, it's a really good place."

I wouldn't go that far, Cody. Some people here are not good!

"Shoot, I think you missed your calling." The man began to laugh. "You should be in the Navy!" He began to walk off, as he continued to laugh jovially.

"What the heck?" I muttered to myself.

There was something different about that guy. There was a feeling that came with him. Weird!

"Who was that?" Cody asked.

"I have no idea, man!"

I sat still in my seat and watched the man intently as he rounded the corner and disappeared out of sight.

"Well, man, you ready?" Cody said.

"Yeah, man, yeah, I am," I said as I quickly pulled away from the entrance of the college.

I sped out of the college parking lot and looked for the man who had just rounded the corner seconds before. He was nowhere to be seen. I slowed down and drove the only way he could have gone and looking for the man. He was just gone. _Whoa! How did he just disappear like that? That's impossible!_

"Hey, Cody?"

"What's up, man?"

"Do you believe in angels?"

Chapter 24

After the encounter with the man who told me to thank God everyday, I had to have answers. I couldn't get a vast array of thoughts out of my head. Something new was occurring in me and the thoughts were tugging on my heart as well as my mind now. I had to know the truth about life. I was determined to find truth and not stop until I had found it. One day mid-morning, I sat in my room, mulling over what I should do.

"Oh, God!" I sighed.

_I've got to find the answers for my life. Where can I even find something that talks about existence or angels for that matter? I've got to know why I exist and how I can reach my potential. What's the point of life if you don't know what it's about and can't get where you are supposed to be? I mean, that guy told me to thank God! What's God trying to tell me? Just thank him? But why? Is it just for my thoughts or for what I have? In all reality I haven't had anything that I wanted to happen, happen. So why should I thank God? I want a breakthrough. I feel like I am on the verge of something here. Maybe that's why he told me to thank God. Maybe my prayers are about to be answered. Shoot, that would be awesome!_ I excitedly pondered where I could search out some answers.

"Maybe a bookstore?"

_Yeah, they should have something_. I got up, took a shower and put on my clothes. I looked around my room, grabbed my wallet and keys, then headed downstairs to my car in the basement car-park. I drove to Waterstone's bookstore near Tottenham Court Road, parked my car, walked inside the store and browsed through various topics. I came to a section on the paranormal.

"Why not? I've tried the whole Christianity thing. Seems mostly like bull to me."

_I hope God doesn't strike me dead for saying that_. I stood there for a few moments.

"Nope not dead. Good sign," I said sarcastically.

I quickly scoured the shelf for interesting titles, when suddenly my eye caught one in particular. I opened it up and began to skim through it. Basically it said, "You can be a God if you realize that you are a God. You can be the Master or Enlightened One if you come to the realization of your own Godhood. You can have ultimate control over your own reality."

Dang! That's exactly what I have been thinking!

I read on.

"Jesus had this realization and tried to pass it on to humanity," it generalized.

"Huh, interesting. Is that what he was trying to say? I think it may have been."

_That would be cool. I wonder if that's right. I've never heard that. Shoot, that's probably why it's right. Christianity just keeps people in a bloody slave state, nothing ever seems to happen for any of those dumbbutt hypocrites, anyway. This must be right! No, this has to be right! I wonder if that's why that angel dude told me to thank God._ My thoughts shifted back to the man who had disappeared. _This must be why I should thank God. This has gotta be a sign or something!_

I flipped it over and looked at the summary on the back cover.

Something caught my eye. Boom. There it was. I couldn't believe my eyes. The author was from my small Texas town.

"Shoot! This really must be a sign!"

Of all the books, by all the authors in the world, this book is by a guy in my little town! This is exactly what I have been feeling was the truth! This doesn't just happen! This has got to be a sign! It really doesn't get more clear than this!

I grabbed the book and checked out.

#

Shortly after I bought the book and after many attempts to believe my reality into existence and become a spiritual Master and a God, I became frustrated and more despondent. It didn't seem to be working. Where was the power I craved so much? Where were my lusts that came to fruition? Where was my money, and where was my breakthrough?

My thoughts became darker and darker and I began to live in constant lust, desiring power and everything I didn't have. I entered into a fantasy world which I hoped would become manifest. I was tired of things never going the way I willed them, either in the physical or mental-slash-spiritual sense. I sat in my room one evening and reflected on what my life should be and dwelled on all the thoughts I was having.

I put out my cigarette and lay down. _Dang, I'm miserable. I want to have power. I won't be happy until I achieve it. I want a girl right now! I want a Ferrari now! I want control now! I want it now!_ I kept focusing on my desires. Suddenly, I felt something strange around me, some sense that something was in the room with me. Almost as soon as I felt this presence, a feeling of revelation hit me. My eyes were opened to some sort of new reality that was outside of myself, I felt spiritual for the first time in my life and I suddenly believed that I really was a God.

" _You really are a God_ ," I exclaimed to myself.

_Maybe I just had to realize it. That's exactly why that guy wanted me to thank God._ _Maybe we are all God. Maybe God's been trying to show me this all along. I knew God wasn't orthodox._

"Well, if I'm a God, then I really do have power!"

_It's just like that book said. I kinda get it. I want that kinda power. I've been so dang powerless. I want the power to be who I want to be and do what I want. I don't want to wait on Alex or anyone else for my satisfaction. I want it now!_ As I sat there consumed by lust, my body began to feel different. I could feel the spirituality in myself growing; as it grew the presence also grew stronger in my room. I lay down calmly and try to understand what I was feeling. I closed my eyes and put my arms on my chest. I tried to get more in touch with the spiritual feeling I was experiencing by focusing on the feeling that came with the presence. Suddenly I noticed a golden speck in between the floaters of my eyes. I opened my eyes to see if it would leave. It was gone. I closed my eyes again. With my eyes closed, I saw it again.

"What is that?"

I looked harder. This time the speck had turned into a slight golden light. I focused in on it.

"Whoa, this is weird!"

The more I focused on it the more I felt the presence in the room. It was now hovering over me. _Is there something hovering over me?_ I opened my eyes again to see if there was anything there. There was nothing, but the hovering sensation remained _. This is like some sort of new reality. What is real reality, then?_

I felt a bit of apprehension in the core of my being. I couldn't understand what was happening and my heart was beating faster than normal. _Should I do it again? I don't know if I should, because this is pretty dang far out there._ _You have to, though; this is what you have wanted to know about for so long. I want to know God and be God and have power. Besides that, it might leave if I don't focus on it now. This could be your only shot. Now could be the time that you are truly awakened spiritually. So this is what all those people talk about when they say they found their spiritual side. If they have done it than I can do it_! I closed my eyes again.

I don't know how, but I looked deeper into the light. It instantly became like the cosmos. The light transformed into constantly moving chains that were interwoven and all golden. _I can't believe this!_

"This is crazy," I said in wonderment as I looked into all the golden lights.

I opened my eyes again as I breathed deeply.

"This can't be real! This just can't be real!"

_I've done a lot of drugs, drugs of all sorts, but never in all my life have I seen something like that._ _No drug can do that!_ _Besides that, my eyes were closed and I am fully sober._

"Man." I took a deep breath and shook my head in confusion.

_Am I a really a God? Is this the core of who I am? Or is this THEE God that I am experiencing? Now I know for sure that there is some power beyond me._ I got up and paced back and forth in my room.

"Is that you, God?" I whispered.

I waited for a reply but no reply came. _You've got to know what this is. What does it mean? This could the chance to change your life._ I lay back down and closed my eyes again. The lights were there the second I shut my eyes. I focused in on them and tried to observe the interwoven golden lights harder. They went on in vastness, into what seemed to be eternity. I could see them in a 360-degree view that stretched into infinity.

_How can this be? I am viewing lights in infinite directions in my own body with my eyes closed. Holy @#$%_! I couldn't explain how my mind could handle this. _I don't know what to do with all this! What does this mean? What do lights mean?_ _I guess just focus on them and see what happens._

I continued to meditate on the lights as a blissful feeling that originated from the presence hovering over me began to overtake me. _It felt like pure ecstasy. This is what I've always wanted—to live in pure ecstasy. This feeling is what I've been searching for. This must be what God is_. The hovering sensation continued and I began to get a new sensation against my body. It felt like the mattress was wrapping slowly around me, like I was being pushed into it by the hovering force.

"This feels strange."

My conscience flared up. _Is this right? Something doesn't feel right about this. Come on, just try to relax and trust this. You don't really have any other choice but to trust this._ I tried to clear my mind of any restraint and bury my conscience _. Go with it and maybe you'll reach some point of transformation. Maybe you'll understand the power within yourself._ I kept focusing on the feeling and the interwoven golden lights that spanned into infinity. The blissful feeling kept getting stronger and stronger. Suddenly it reached a point of such bliss that I felt like I could not physically take it anymore. It felt like my body was going to suddenly disintegrate and I would enter another realm.

"Just hold on, Ben! Just hold on!"

Almost instantly the sensation of the mattress pressing against my body changed to a feeling that I was being pushed through the mattress of my bed. The bliss suddenly became so intense and overwhelming to my senses and body, that in an instant it turned from overwhelming pleasure to an overwhelming amount of fear and confusion. _My body can't handle this._ _I should stop this now._ _No hang on, try to go with it a little longer_. _Don't be afraid_. _You've got to realize something from all this. I've got to know what all this is_. The intense power accelerated in strength, producing such fear and confusion in my mind that it felt as though I was going to go crazy. It seemed like the spiritual force that was all around me and hovering over me would instantly consume my body and I would spontaneously combust. Still, I held on. The feeling of being pushed into my bed also changed. Now I had the sensation that I was falling through the floors of the apartment building at an increasingly rapid speed. I literally saw my physical body falling through the floors in my mind. It was like my mind and body were one. _Am I really moving? If I am being sucked though the floors of the building?_

Suddenly the spirits of Fear and Confusion powerfully overcame me and I realized where I would wind up.

"In Hell!" I shouted as I jolted my eyes open.

My heart was beating extremely fast and I was breathing heavily.

"What the heck is going on?" I shouted.

I stared at the ceiling and felt instant relief to see that it was there just as I'd last seen it.

"At least I'm in my room," I said with extreme anxiety in my voice.

I sat up and quickly scanned the room to see if everything was in its place. Clothing and books were scattered everywhere. The spirits of Fear and Confusion still lingered all over me.

"Where the heck is my Bible?" I said in a panic. "And what in the world was that?"

_That didn't feel good at all. That can't be God_. I felt more powerless than I had ever felt and I became more anxious than I had ever been in my life _. If that wasn't God what was it?_ I jumped out of my bed.

"Where is it?"

I kicked clothing out of my way violently in search of my Bible. I threw some books on new world orders and Freemasons out of the way in pursuit of my Bible. My eyes fixated on the book that had opened up the door to this spirituality. It lay on my desk.

"@#$% that!"

_Where is my Bible?_ I kept kicking clothing, books and DVDs out of the way. Intense fear and confusion was hitting me in pounding waves. I then I heard a voice that literally spoke to my mind.

"You'll never find you Bible!" the voice of Confusion said. Like a whisper, it told me my worst fear.

"Your reality is no reality. There is nothing and you are nothing."

I panicked believing that this could be true. _Dang it. What's happening? That can't be true._ Sheer terror gripped me. My heart palpitated more. _I need my Bible._

"Look at the lights again. Let your body go with it, then you will understand!" the voice said.

"NO!" I was terrified. I began to toss everything I could get my hands on out of the way in the pursuit of my Bible. I finally saw the corner of it poking out from under a pile of porn and car magazines.

"Bingo!" I pulled the Bible out from underneath the porn and sat on the edge of my bed. _I am such a filthy person. I've completely perverted my life in every aspect. I hate myself._

"God please save me from all this @#$%," I pleaded.

_I don't want to be like this anymore. I just want a wife and a small house. I just want to live in peace._ I tried as best as I could to erase what had just happened from my mind. I opened up my Bible and tried to read. I couldn't understand anything I was reading. The spirits of Fear and Confusion prohibited me from doing so.

"Dang it," I said as I slammed the Bible shut.

I sat on the edge of my bed and looked at the front cover of the Bible.

"What's it even for? Can't even understand the dang thing when I really need it."

I shook my head and took a deep breath.

"God please protect me from this," I said in utter despair.

A sense of ease slowly came over me as the spirits of Fear and Confusion left. _Don't think about what just happened. Calm down. You're fine now. Nothing's gonna happen. Don't focus on that anymore. Just go outside. Go for a walk._

I inhaled deeply. _No_ _one will believe this, they'll think you're crazy._

"What was that?" I said as I looked around the room in a paranoid manner.

I continued to sit on the edge of my bed and just stared at the words on the front of the book. HOLY BIBLE.

What does that mean?
Chapter 25

I was terrified of the forces that had come upon me that night and wasn't sure what to do with everything that had happened. I felt like I had been lured into a false sense of security by the bliss and then later subjected to what the spiritual force really was—evil. It seemed like I had been tricked. I was almost certain that the spiritual forces that I had encountered were utterly evil, but at the same time, felt that they could be good because of the blissful feelings I encountered. I just wasn't sure. I couldn't figure it out and I was confused. Totally confused! I wondered if it was just my lack of understanding that was keeping me in fear or if the fear I was experiencing was legitimate and wise.

Nevertheless, I wanted the answers to my questions. I wanted to know where to go from there. I knew there was spirituality but I didn't know what to do with it. But I felt I had to do something about it. I had to find answers. So, one night, I went to the college bar for a drink and bumped into Ivan, whom I had barely spoken to for a few months. We got into a conversation about Freemasons initially and then he started to speak about the power of our humanity.

"Yeaah, maaan, you and me are gonna lead a revolution," Ivan shouted into the college bar.

Ok, I was talking about world conspiracies and you're telling me were gonna lead a revolution. I think we could do that, but what for?

"Against what, man?"

"Against this society, this messed up stuff."

"Yeah, it is pretty corrupt."

"Exactly, but we will jack it up. We will corrupt the corruption!"

Stop including me in stuff when I didn't ask to be included, Ivan.

"But you get what I'm saying, man, about the Freemasons and what have you," I said.

"Yes, of course I do."

I need another drink, this is nerve-wracking!

"Ok, cool, man. Let's get another beer."

Why are we talking about this and what were those lights? What was that? What the heck is going on in my life?

We walked up to Solomon and ordered two pints.

"So, you're starting to get it?"

"Get what?"

"The stuff, man, what do you think?"

"Uh, yeah I guess so."

What does "the stuff" mean?

"Let's go to Max's place!" Ivan said.

"Max?"

"Yeah, man, he's a German guy. You know him."

"Don't think so."

"Come on, man, yeah you do."

Ivan stared at me in his usual wide-eyed, trippy way.

"Yeah, yeah, actually I do remember him," I sighed. "Ok, well, then let's go."

We chugged our beers and then left the bar. Ivan and I ran up the staircase from the college bar and into the courtyard of the college.

"Dude, I had some kinda crazy stuff happen recently!"

"Yeaah? What was this crazy stuff?" he said inquisitively.

I looked around as we entered the main lobby of the college _. Too many people to talk right now._

"Hold up, man."

We walked through the lobby, outside and towards the car park. Ivan lit a cigarette.

"Vaness, can I nik one off you?"

"Of course, man, anytime."

He pulled one out, extended his arm quickly in my direction and lit my cigarette.

"Thanks."

"Yeaaah, man, always!"

"This is gonna sound kinda crazy, but..." I sighed

Should I tell him? I don't know. Yeah, go for it! Of all the people on Earth he just might believe it. Besides it's not like he can call me crazy.

"Ok, man, so here it goes. The other night I was just chilling out, I wasn't smoking anything, wasn't messed up at all. I was actually about to go to sleep. Anyway, suddenly I felt some sort of spiritual force in my room, so I closed my eyes to try and pray or get into contact with it. I saw a slight golden speck with my eyes closed. So, I opened my eyes again to see if it would be there still. I thought it might have been some sort of weird floater. But, man, it wasn't, it really wasn't. So, I close them again and suddenly I see these golden lights again. Kinda freaked me out!"

I sighed deeply.

"So, I opened my eyes again and they were gone again. Anyway, I closed my eyes a third and fourth time. On the third and fourth ones I saw just infinite, golden, chain-like objects. They were all moving and stretched into infinity. I focused in on the lights for a bit and suddenly the spiritual force felt blissful, really, really blissful. It was like nothing I had ever experienced. Then within an instant I felt like I was being pushed through my bed, like I was in my body but was moving through physical surfaces. It felt like I was being pushed downward through all the floors in my apartment. It really freaked me out, man. I don't know what to think about it. I'm really confused. I didn't know what the heck it was."

We came to my car as I finished my story.

"Yeaaah, maaan! You seee now!" Ivan jolted to life and became jubilant, staring at me wildly like he always did.

" _What?_ You know about this stuff?" I said in shock.

"Yeaaah, maaan!"

"Well, what is it?" I said with eyes wide open, eager to hear.

Ivan stared directly into my eyes, shifted all his weight to his left foot and jolted his arm like lightning to the sky.

"ITTTT'S GOD!" he screamed into the night sky.

_Whoa._ An eerie chill ran down my spine. _It is?_

"What, wh... what do you mean it's God?"

"I mean, man, It's GOD!" he screamed jubilantly.

"Dang, man, we have to talk about this." I shook my head in disbelief.

Why am I finding out about all this and no one else is?

"Of course we do, but we should also go to Max's. We will talk on the way."

"Yeah, I forgot about that. Ok, well, hop in and let's go."

Ivan got into my car and we pulled out of the college parking lot.

"So why didn't you tell me this before, man?"

"Maaan, that's what I have been trying to tell you and Alex forever."

I thought back on all the times Ivan had said, "But you understand!" and the times he had stated,

"You don't get it and you don't know anything."

What the heck! What the heck! He has!

"Shoot, man, you have, I guess you have!" I said astonished at this revelation. I quickly pulled over and parked my car on the inner circle.

"Shoot, man, this is crazy!"

"It's the real deal, maaan," he said.

"How did you find out about this?" I demanded to know.

"Man, I've known about this since I was a kid but I just understood it all recently."

What does he know?

"Well, what do you know about it?"

"Drive and I'll tell you."

"Ok."

I pulled back onto the inner circle and headed for Marylebone road.

"Man, it's a power, you know. I have always known you had this, too."

"What do you mean?"

"I will tell you, but let's go get some beer first."

The anticipation was killing me _. I want to know what this is._ I kept driving until we reached a shop that sold beer. We walked inside, bought a six-pack and then began to walk down the street.

"So tell me, man, what is this power you have know about?"

"Man, you see, youuu have an aura. It's very large man, and full of color."

I interrupted him.

"You can see this?"

"Yeaah, man, I have always seen it."

"Shoot, man, that's crazy, so what does it mean to have an aura?"

"It's like a measure, man. Yours is large. It's very big, actually, and this means you can have more of the power. Not everyone can have this type of power."

I always felt special.

"Well, shoot, man, what are the benefits of this power?"

"Man, you can control people, and change the reality!" he shouted.

"What? For real?" I said excitedly.

"Man, you can even communicate telepathically."

"What the heck? Are you serious?" I said, full of elation.

"Yeaah, maaan. I'll show you later how to do this." He slapped me on the back.

"Dang, man, that's awesome," I said again, elated.

"Yeaah, maaan, you're gonna be the real king. You have the real power living inside of you. I can see it. Your power is rare, man. You may have more than even me, I think. You just have to realize it."

I always wanted that kind of power! Always! Now I have a shot at choosing my reality. Now maybe I can have as many girls as I want, as much money as I choose, and unlimited power to do the unlimited. I won't be a slave to circumstance anymore.

"So, tell me more, man. Are you the only person who knows this?"

"No, man, my brother knows this, I know this, and Roman knows this."

"Roman knows this?" I blurted.

"Yeaah, maaan, he was the one who really taught me the most about all this stuff. He is the greatest, man!"

"Wow." I shook my head in shock.

How did I not see this before? It doesn't matter—you're getting it a little at a time. That's a good pace for this kind of stuff.

"What about Igor?"

"No, man, unfortunately he doesn't know anything."

"Well, heck, man, why not just tell people?"

"Would you have believed me year ago?" He stepped back and drilled me with his Hitler-like eyes, which I began to appreciate.

"Good point."

"You have to come to the understanding yourself."

"Makes sense, I guess."

"But it's the enlightenment, maaan."

Leonardo da Vinci stuff. That how he did all that, he was just one man. I want that, to be like that.

We rounded a corner and each opened our cans of beer at the same time.

"Cheers, maaan!" Ivan said.

"Yeah, man, cheers!"

We bounced the cans off each other as we walked down the street.

"So yeaah, man, the point is that you can do whatever the heck you want and get away with it. This world is our playground!"

Makes sense. He makes strait A's after doing more drugs than I could ever count. He flew back from Geneva on his brother's passport when he lost his, then FedExed it back to him. His brother flew back to London without any problems. No one could see what was going on because they didn't want them to. And he even hung from my apartment with one arm and flicked me off. He wasn't afraid. He was just proving a point. WOW!

"So that's why you did that stuff at my apartment, but how can you do that?"

"Yeaah, maaan, exactly why I did it! Angels would catch me if I fell, but you see, I wouldn't have. It's the best!"

Suddenly Ivan began to urinate on the street as some people passed by us. I got anxious and slightly embarrassed about being around him suddenly. I looked to see their reactions. They didn't notice Ivan.

"Man, those people didn't see you!" I began to laugh in a nervous elation.

"I didn't want them to!"

He took a sip of his beer then belched.

"They really didn't see you. That's why you can do what you want. People are blinded and literally can't see you. "

Ivan became jubilant.

" _Exaaactly_ ," he shouted as he pointed at me.

"Whoa!"

I want that kind of power!

"NOW YOU GOT IT! NOW YOU GOT IT!" He jumped up and down and shouted wildly with wide eyes.

"Dang, man, that's awesome. This is like a dream come true!" I said with a big smile.

He can be crude, and rude, and do what he wants. No one can or has done anything to him.

"I will teach you this stuff, man. We will lead the revolution."

"Yeah, man. Why the heck not?"

What are we gonna lead a revolution against, exactly?

"So can you see these angels?"

"Yeaaah, man—they are here right now!"

"Why can't..."

Ivan interrupted me.

"But, man, I think Max's place is up here. I don't remember though."

Ivan called Max and got his house number.

"So it's up here," he said, pointing, and began to strut down the street.

We walked to his apartment and then buzzed him. The door opened for us.

This is so crazy! I'm sick of being so out of control of things. I want to have power in my life. I knew I would find this! Maybe it's my destiny!

Yet something in my conscience made me uneasy about what I was believing.

"By the way don't talk about it, man. We will talk without them knowing. It's better this way."

"Bloody cool man, but how?"

"Just be open to it, man. I'll start it for you."

"Ok, I'll try to, man."

We walked up the stairs and knocked on Max's door. Max opened his door and we walked in. There were two other people hanging out at his place, which reeked of grass.

"Hey, what's up, man," I said.

"Not much, man, we're just chilling out and smoking," Max said.

Ivan said hello to everyone and sat down in a chair. He set the beer down on the floor, pulled some grass out of his jacket pocket and stuffed it into the tall bong sitting on the coffee table. I introduced myself to the other two guys, who were Italian, stood next to Max, and tried to act like everything was normal. _Man, these guys have no idea what's out there._

"Yeaaah, so we should smoke now," Ivan said.

Good icebreaker. Maybe it will loosen me up a bit. This is a bit much for me to digest.

"I'm game," I said.

Everyone in the room agreed. Ivan started to smoke then passed it to an Italian sitting on the floor next to him. I walked over to Max's couch and sat down close to the Italian guy. He took a hit off the bong then passed it to me. _Man, I haven't smoked in over a week. I do miss smoking._ _I guess it's not that bad after all. Not if I say it isn't!_ I took a hit off the pipe and passed it to the guy sitting on a floor pillow. I sat there for a little while and thought about everything Ivan had said to me. I looked around the room and then smiled at Ivan. He looked at me intensely, with a focused and blank stare. He didn't say anything, but suddenly I knew he wanted to speak to me mentally.

"Now you're ready," I heard from him, within my mind.

_Man, this is real! I sat back in the couch and looked at him. Whoa. How do I communicate back?_ I tried to open my soul to any communication. Suddenly I felt a familiar power coming over me. It felt the same as the night I saw the lights. It felt blissful, like I was having a full-body orgasm. Something was trying to penetrate my very being. I focused on the feeling and let it take me. I closed my eyes and looked for the golden lights. I saw nothing, yet could see from somewhere within myself a radiant bluish light emitting from near my chest. The blue light felt like pure bliss, but had weight—it was heavy.

I kept going with it. I suddenly felt that I had to reach out and grab this feeling. It seemed like I could have more of it if I did. So, I raised my arms in front of me as I sat on the couch. The feeling and light got more powerful as I did this. _I need to stand up! I have to stand!_ My thoughts drifted away from reality as I began to stand up with my arms outstretched. I began to walk, eyes closed, arms out. I didn't know where I was going; I just had to walk to experience more of the power. The feeling of bliss grew stronger the further I walked. So, I kept walking. Almost instantly the feeling overpowered me again and turned to pure confusion and fear. I felt like I would be crushed by this force.

"You're going to die," it said.

My heart began to beat faster and faster even though my body was calm. Terror and Fear attacked me without mercy. _This isn't God! This can't be God!_

"No!" I shouted.

"I'm sorry, God!" I shouted as I jolted my eyes open.

I was in the middle of the room and everyone was looking at me with horror on their faces, except Ivan. Ivan just sat there holding his hand to his temple with an evil gaze on his face, while they all stared at me. I suddenly understood what they were thinking and how the perceived me. _They think I'm crazy. Shoot! They think I'm crazy! I'm not! Ivan is evil! I'm not crazy—he is evil!_

"But they can't see that," I heard him say to my mind.

"You're evil!" I shouted as I pointed at Ivan.

He took his hand off his temple and changed his facial expression, just before everyone shifted their eyes to him. He looked like an innocent kid.

"You're evil!" I shouted again, knowing what the people were thinking about me.

My heart continued pounding wildly within my chest. Terror and Fear sent a crushing attack upon me and my reality.

"You're going to die," the voice that wasn't Ivan's said again.

My heart sped up and began to hurt. It felt like a knife had been shoved into my chest. I looked at my chest to see if anything was there. Nothing was there.

"You're about to die," the voice continued to say.

_That voice isn't Ivan's._ I tried resisting the voice with all my human will power, yet my heart sped up even faster as I stood there, paralyzed by the spirits of Fear and Terror. _This is too powerful for you! You don't really have power! You were delusional to think you did!_ I tried to speak but couldn't. _Why can't I speak?_ _Jesus save me..._ I thought. I tried to say it.

"Jeesuu..." I said with a whimper.

The spiritual forces were trying to hold my mouth shut.

I can't say it. God help me!

"JESUS!" I was able to shout. "SAVE ME FROM THIS!" Suddenly the pain subsided and the beating of my heart slowed some.

I looked at Ivan angrily.

"You're evil! You're evil!" I shouted at him.

Everyone just looked at me in shock. Max had his mouth wide open.

"They think you're crazy," Ivan said to me telepathically.

I looked around the room at the others. They began to shake their heads with wide eyes. _They think I'm just a crazy fool. This could ruin any reputation I have_. I looked at Ivan, and I was overflowing with anger.

"Sit down, smoke another bowl, and laugh it off, and they will think you were messing with them," he said telepathically. Ivan then motioned to the bong with his hand.

_I don't want to smoke anymore._ _I want to get the heck outta here. If I don't do what he says then I'll look like a madman. Shoot. Just do it. I don't really have a choice._ I tried to break a smile. _I have to. Dang it!_

"So guys, you ready to smoke some more?" I clapped my hands together and barely managed to crack a fake smile.

Everyone shook their heads and sighed out of relief.

"Dang man, you really messed with our heads!" Max said.

"Yeah, man, you messed with us bad. No one has ever done anything like that," one of the Italians said.

I reached for the bong and took a hit off it. As soon as I did this Ivan got up and went into the bathroom. I heard the toilet lid clank against the porcelain. He began to vomit, loudly and violently _. He never throws up! What the heck is going on?_ Everyone could hear him puking into the toilet. They all suddenly looked at me again in horror.

"Man, he's really evil, man!" I said adamantly while he was away.

"That's messed up, man! He just puked after you said all that stuff!"

"Yeah, man, that's what I'm saying, he's really evil, man! Don't you get that?"

"I always thought there was something not quite right with him," Max said.

"Me, too, man, but I just realized it tonight," I said.

Ivan walked back into the room while wiping the puke off his face with his hand. He sat back in his seat and looked exhausted. Ivan picked up a can of beer, opened it and began to chug it. He finished it as everyone stared at him in astonishment. He picked up the bong stuffed more grass in it and took a massive hit off of the bong. _That's not normal. It's like it makes him stronger. Like he needs the grass and booze to get in touch with this._

"Ivan, man, I think you and Ben should go now."

"Me?" I stared at Max with astonishment.

"Yeah, man, just take him home. He came with you, right?"

"Heck no, I'm not taking him home!" I said out of shock.

"Maaan, relax. Let's just go. You have upset them," Ivan said against me in a condescending manner.

I've upset them. You did this you jerk. Way to make me look like I'm the problem.

"Please, Ben, you're freaking us out," Max said anxiously.

"I'm freaking you out?" I said emphatically.

"You really are," he said with a look of terror on his face.

Way to throw me to the wolves! Buck up, man! Come on you can do this! You aren't gonna die, man! Relax! Besides maybe you should talk about this. I mean what the heck else can you do? Something has got to give.

"Fine, Ivan, let's go," I said angrily.

"Yeaah, man, let's... as we aren't wanted here," he tried to imply camaraderie with me.

We walked outside.

Chapter 26

"What the heck was that?" I shouted at him. I grabbed him by the shoulders and backed him up against the wall.

"Maaan, relax," he said coolly.

" _Relax!_ That's all you have to say!" I shouted.

"Yeah, man, you just aren't used to it, you know. It's a bit much the first time. It was the same for me."

"That's a huge understatement, you jerk."

I wanted to knock him out.

"No, seriously. You have to learn to channel the power off of one another and this was your first time, man! If you don't, it is too much—you get lost, you know!"

Maybe he is telling the truth. I shouldn't be doing this but I have to know what it is. God, be with me if I am wrong!

"Ok, fair enough, but if that stuff gets out of hand again, I'm gonna drag your butt outta my car."

"Ok, it won't though. Don't worry about it."

Why do I believe him? Why do I listen to him? Why did I ever start hanging out with him? The guy seems like he is poison!

We walked to my car and got in.

"Why'd you make me look so bad?" I said.

"Man, you made yourself look bad! You messed it up!"

"No, man, @#$% you! What about that line about me being the one who upset them?"

"Maaan, they can't handle it like you can. You have the ability in you, but you have to learn how to channel it. Don't be so negative. Be positive!"

_He did say I had immense power in your aura_. Suddenly pride roused within me. _I am more powerful than Ivan! I am!_

"Ok, so let's do it again," I said defiantly.

I'll show you who has more inner power, you jerk!

"Yeaah, maaan! Feed off of it man! Send your energy back to me and I'll send mine to you. That's how you learn, man!"

_I don't exactly understand how this works but I can sort of feel how it works._ I suddenly realized my power. The instant I did the powerful spiritual force was back. It felt different this time. It gave me the feeling that I was greater than anyone. I suddenly believed I was more powerful in every way than Ivan. I channeled my pride and power against him out of anger and suddenly felt overwhelmingly more powerful than Ivan. _I feel invincible! I am a king!_ I felt Ivan throw some of his energy at me. Ivan began to shake epileptically in his seat. _Really weird! It's like he can't handle me._ I felt this spiritual force gain strength from within me then I threw all my energy back at him. Suddenly a fierce defiance against the world and everyone in it entered my heart. I felt like fools had held me back from my destiny. I wanted to get back at all of them. My thoughts of anger against Ivan shifted to a sense of brotherhood with him. _He has always been there when I wanted someone to hang out with. When I was alone, he was there._ The energy coming from this force grew stronger. _Together we can do anything we want! Ivan and I can do anything!_

"You see man, you see. We can do anything. And you and me are kings man!"

"You read my mind again, and now I understand exactly what you're saying. So let's drive," I said dwelling in the power.

"Yeaah, man. But let's reeally drive, you know?"

"Absolutely," I tapped my temple and winked at him.

We can go as fast as we want. No more fear of anything!

I started my car, blared psychedelic trance and put my foot down on the accelerator. I flew in and out of traffic, passing people on the wrong side of the road until we got close to Marylebone Road. The whole time I felt a powerful spiritual force on my body.

"But you see, man, you can use this power inside of yourself to change the physical realities of this world. Like magician!"

"How do you do this?"

"Just focus on the power and direct it at whatever you wish. Then you change it the way you want it."

Somehow I understood completely. _Why didn't I understand this before? Why wasn't it like this ever before? I tried to move something with my mind once and nothing happened. Why now?_

"Now red!" Ivan yelled.

"What?"

"It's going to turn red!"

I looked ahead and instantly saw the light begin to turn from green to yellow and then red. We came to a stop.

"How did you know that before hand?"

"I made it happen, man," Ivan began to laugh hysterically.

"Shoot!" I shook my head.

How is this really possible?

"Just gun it all the way man—gun it all the way!"

"What if there's a stop light down the road?"

"There won't be, you see—focus all your energy on the lights and we will _fllly_ , all the way to Belsize Park!"

The light turned yellow and I slammed my foot all the way on the accelerator. I focused all my energy on the lights and watched expectantly as each light kept turning from red to yellow and then green as we approached 130 miles per hour. We passed through the multiple lights blazingly fast, each one turning green exactly as we neared the light. _Holy @#%$!_ As we flew through the last green light on Baker Street, we blew past two cop cars sitting on the left side of the road. There were two cops standing outside talking to the other officers in their cars.

"Youu seee?" he shouted at the top of his lungs "They didn't see us, either!"

I slowed down and looked back. They hadn't seen us or heard us, despite the noise of my car going full out. The cops just continued speaking to one another.

"Shoot, man, I've never done anything like that! This really is real!"

"Of course it is, man. The reeeal deal, maaan... The best stuff, you know!"

I felt the sheer power of this spiritual force around me. _This is no adrenaline rush. This is the sheer euphoria of utter power._

"Whoa, man, this is friggin awesome!"

"Yeah, maaan, but it is the best feeling there is."

I turned left and headed towards Belsize Park. Fear and anxiety slammed into me again. _Something feels off about this. This is wrong somehow_. _I don't know why but it seems wrong._ The recollection of what had happened at Max's place frightened me. _It felt like I was out of control of my body and mind, it felt like I was going to go crazy or die. I don't really trust Ivan. This isn't right somehow._

"Dude, I don't know."

"What don't you know?" he said in a perturbed tone.

"Just about all this man."

Ivan gazed at me in a condescending manner and shook his head.

"Look, I know what you're saying and it's cool and all, but this is a bit much for one night man," I said.

"Come on maaan, just relax a bit."

If I could relax, I would, but something deep within me is telling me this is wrong. Why the heck do I have to feel this way? Why can't I just go with the flow of things? I over-think things. Still, it's better to be safe than sorry.

"I think I'm just gonna go home, man."

We made it to Ivan's place music still blaring, he opened the draw gate and we pulled into the car park in front of his apartment.

"Really, man, I think I'm gonna head home and try and process this."

The anxiety from everything that had happened over the last week was hitting me hard. _Something isn't right about this. I'm not even sure what reality is anymore. If reality is how you choose it then there are no constants or absolutes_. My heart began to beat thinking about the lack of absolutes. _Yeah, just go home._

"Or..." Ivan said.

"Yeah?"

"Or, you could come inside, smoke a spliff, drink a beer, chill out, and we can talk about this more."

Stop being so cautious! Don't always be afraid! Face your fears and anxieties! Yeah, face these bloody fears! Maybe that's what you have to do to be free.

"Yeah..." I hesitated. _No, don't,_ my conscience screamed to me. "I don't know man," I said reluctantly.

"Really man, just come smoke a spliff. We don't even have to talk about it," Ivan said.

Ok, he isn't pushing it that hard. You don't even have to talk about it. Just go smoke with your friend. He is your friend. Don't think he is so devious. It's all in you're head. This is just new to you, just like he said.

"Oh, to heck with it, fine."

I pulled the key out of the ignition and got out of my car.

"Cool, maaan," Ivan said happily as he slapped me on the back.

We began to walk through his courtyard towards the back of his place. The sliding glass door to his place was open. _Daniel must be here._ We walked inside the apartment from the courtyard. Ivan shut the door behind us. _Good idea, it's cold in here._ Daniel was sitting on the couch watching TV. I looked to the back corner of the room and saw one of Daniel's friends Denis, sitting in a chair.

"What's up, guys?"

"Hi, Ben," Daniel said with a wide smile.

"Hey," Denis said casually.

I walked towards Denis and sat down on a black leather armchair next to him. Ivan went to the bathroom. "So yeaah, let's smoke a spliff," Ivan said, as he entered back into the room.

Daniel reached for a wooden box on the coffee table and pulled out a bag of weed. He lazily began to break up the weed on the coffee table and then rolled it into a joint. I peered over at Denis. He had his gaze fixed on the TV. _Good grief, he looks like a brainless zombie._ I heard a lighter click a few times and then shifted my focus to Daniel. He took a couple of puffs off the joint, leaned forward and handed the joint to me and then casually exhaled. I took two big puffs and handed it to Denis. The joint rotated through the room once more and Ivan cashed it.

"That went quick," I said.

"Yeah, maaan, it did," Ivan said as he walked towards the sliding glass door.

Daniel sighed and began to break up more grass for another joint. _Good, that didn't do much._ I got up and went to the refrigerator, grabbed a beer and chugged it. _What a crazy day! Holy @#$%!_ I chucked the bottle in the trash, went to the bathroom and walked back into the living room and flopped myself back in the black armchair.

"Oh," I sighed.

_What a day!_ I looked up at Ivan. He was standing next to the sliding glass door with his hand on his temple. _What the heck?_ He was staring directly at me, like Hitler. He had an evil smile on his face. _Why is he doing that, what the heck is...?_ I noticed that my heart began to beat involuntarily faster while the rest of my body was calm. It continued to beat faster and faster. I didn't understand why it was beating. I wasn't even anxious. It kept beating faster and faster still despite my body being perfectly at peace from the last beer. I then began to panic.

"Why is it doing that?" I said to myself.

I heard a voice speak to my mind.

"You're going to die," the evil voice coolly said.

"No, I'm not," I reassured myself.

"Yes, you are. Any way you try to escape this, you will die," the voice said.

_I'm getting out of here!_ I quickly stood up and tried to head for the sliding glass door but as soon as I did, evil began to fill the room and I became increasingly paralyzed by it. _I have to get out of here._ Time seemed to slow down, my legs got weak and I fell back into the chair. Then a picture flashed before my eyes. I saw myself running outside—I was trying to escape the situation. I got in my car and then began to drive down the road towards my place and was T-boned by a red bus. I died.

"No, I'll run home then," I muttered.

Another picture flashed. I saw myself running home and getting clipped by a hit and run driver.

"You're still dead," the voice said.

"No, I'll take a taxi," I said frantically.

A new picture of me getting into a cab flashed before my eyes.

"The cab driver will pull out a gun blow your head off and take your money," the voice said.

I thought of every possible scenario to escape as my heart continued to beat faster and faster. Each scenario was instantly revealed to me and I was met with my inevitable death.

"Any way you try to escape, you're dead," the voice continued.

An overwhelming amount of evil came over my physical body and I believed what was being said to me. _I really don't have power. I will die! I am dying!_ I became terrified; my heart wouldn't slow down. It suddenly began to violently hurt and throb as I experienced the full knowledge of evil in an instant.

"Son of a gun!" I shouted.

A piercing pain shot through my heart and then my heart stopped.

"No, no, no," I shouted.

_I don't want to die. I don't want to die. Do something to start it._ I began to pound my chest as hard as I could to try and restart my heart. No matter how hard I pounded my chest with my fists it wouldn't start beating again. I felt the blood inside my body slowly stop circulating and then stagnate. I breathed as deep as I could, hoping that this would restart my heart. It didn't, and then I felt the coldness of the room suddenly disappear. The level of evil continued to increase. The coldness that had been there was replaced by a hot damp humidity. I noticed that I no longer had to breathe, and yet I still remained physical. Then I tried waving my hands through the air but there was no air resistance. I pinched myself hard and I could feel pain. _Oh, man!_ I was fully physical, but there was no need for a heartbeat or breathing. I was somewhere else, in a different realm. I looked around the room. Pure evil was upon me now and there was no longer any feeling of goodness to be found. _Am I in Hell? No, don't ask this!_

"What's going on here?" I shouted into the room.

I looked at Daniel.

"Huh?" Daniel said in a confused tone as he kept rolling a joint casually over the coffee table.

Then I looked at Denis.

"Huh?" Denis said in the same confused tone as he looked towards Ivan.

I looked at Ivan but couldn't fully see him. There was a dull light emitting from around his body that blocked a full view of him.

"Huh?" Ivan said from behind the dull light.

Again they repeated the same word, only faster and in an even more confused and mocking tone.

The presence of evil pressed upon my physical–spiritual body. I realized that if I was on Earth, the knowledge and level of evil I was experiencing, alone, could make my body spontaneously combust. But I wasn't on Earth!

"Am I in he...?"I began to ask then stopped.

Revelation hit me and then the voice of evil spoke to me _._

"If you ask if you're in Hell you will instantly go there if the question is answered," the voice said.

Evil knowledge was being crammed unwillingly into my mind. My soul was screaming in terror. Everything in me wanted to ask the question, "Am I in Hell?" but there was such terror involved in simply asking the question, that it was like I was already in Hell. I cannot explain the level of evil that was upon my physical–spiritual body and mind in earthly human terms. I wanted desperately to escape it, but the more I dwelled on escape the more evil knowledge was exposed to me. I felt like I was in a fifty-foot mud pit with eighty-degree slopes on all sides, just trying to claw my way to the surface. _I can't get out of this myself! I don't want to go to Hell!_ Suddenly hope entered into my rational mind. _You have to fight this. Maybe this isn't reality! You can get out of this! You can be more powerful than them! Maybe this is just a trick! Maybe there's a rope in all of this._

"I'll call my mom—she's a Christian, and she'll know what to do!" I said hopefully, in the midst of evil, while trying to focus on the goodness of my mother.

_Maybe she can save me! She always has!_ Even though I tried thinking hopeful thoughts, they were almost instantly drowned out by the sheer amount of evil that was everywhere. I reached into my inner jacket pockets then into my jean pockets in search of my phone. But there was no phone. Again I reached into the pockets while being totally inundated by evil; this time there were more pockets in the jacket than I had on Earth. _What the heck, what the heck! No! No!_ Confusion came over me and I felt like I was going crazy but couldn't. It was such confusion that it felt like I was not myself, in myself. This in and of itself was insanity and hell to me and was another aspect of evil that barraged my mind. Yet it stopped short of insanity and somehow left me completely sane. I was still fully aware and able to deal with this, although in a physical realm, I wouldn't have been able to.

"Where is it?" I shouted as no one responded to anything I was doing or saying.

Again I reached into the pockets and suddenly felt the top of the phone. _That was the first pocket I checked—how is it there all of a sudden?_ Constantly changing manifestations of evil continued to penetrate my unwilling mind. I pulled the phone out of my pocket quaking from fear. I scrolled through all the numbers as best as I could, trying to find my mother's. It wasn't saved in the phone, like it should have been. The word _Mom_ was nowhere to be found.

"You don't have a mother here," the evil voice said.

"What the heck?" I shouted.

"You'll never find her number," the voice returned.

"No, @#$% that!"

In terror I dialed her number into my phone manually and then placed the phone against my ear.

Beep. Beep. Beep.

"What the..."

I swung the phone away from my ear, looked at the screen and it said, NUMBER NONEXISTENT! Pure terror gripped me and the evil knowledge grew worse. _No, no, no, no, I'll go home!_ "I'll go home," I shouted in terror.

As soon as I said this, a vision flashed before my eyes. I saw myself walking to the front door of my country home in Texas. I began to bang on the door and continued to bang.

"Your Hell is knocking at that door forever," the voice said.

"No!" I shouted.

"But that won't happen!" the voice said.

Again I saw a vision of me standing outside of my home banging on the door. Some random man opened the door of my house. He simply and coldly said, "I'm sorry, you're in Hell," and then shut the door in my face.

"No, this can't be!" I said in horror.

_Where are my parents?_ Another vision flashed before my eyes. I saw myself attempting the same thing again at my house.

"Your own family will tell you you're in Hell," the voice said.

In the vision I saw my entire family open the door and tell me I was in Hell. I couldn't bear it, but was forced to. I couldn't escape. Everything that I had ever known to be good was a lie in that place. And while I had experience that goodness on Earth, in my eternal reality, it would never exist again. Any goodness I had ever known was gone, yet I would always have the recollection of that goodness and would never be able to attain it again. I felt like I was going to explode _. That can't be though. They are Christians._ My thoughts were interrupted by the voice.

"But, there is no Texas!"

I saw an image flash before my eyes. It was a map of the world but Texas was removed from it. _So there is no Texas. Am I really in... No, don't ask it! You can't ask it!_

"There is no North America, there is no South America, there is no Africa and there is no Asia," the voice said.

I saw the map again—it was devoid of all the continents except for Europe.

Suddenly a sense of power came over me and the evil spoke to my mind. It told me that I could have whatever I wanted and do whatever I wanted. I saw a vision of myself in Europe. I was fully debauched and I could get away with whatever I wanted. It seemed like I could have my life back if I lived like this. The evil subsided suddenly and a sense of ease came over me as I looked at the map of Europe.

"So I'm trapped in Europe, that's no so bad! I will do whatever it takes! Just as long as I get a second chance on Earth!"

I suddenly got the feeling that I had nothing to lose and was free to engage in sin of any sort to the utmost of my ability. _Why the heck not! Yeah, what the heck have you got to lose, anyway?_

The voice spoke and evil increased again, as I saw the vision of the map.

"But there is no Europe," the voice said.

Boom, the map of Europe disappeared.

"There is no Britain," the voice said.

Boom, the map of the Britain disappeared.

"There is no London," the evil voice said.

Boom, the map of London disappeared.

"You're stuck in this room," it said.

All my focus shifted to the door that Ivan was standing next to. Absolute and totally unrestrained terror and dread slammed into me as I realized something. _Your stuck here and they are about to tear you to shreds._

Sheer terror gripped my whole body and squeezed me as evil knowledge continued to pour into my mind against my will. _No please! No! This can't be! This isn't what I want!_ I looked at Ivan, Daniel, and Denis. They looked at me with evil eyes. Their eyes confirmed what I had realized. A new evil revelation hit me and I suddenly realized something. _That's not Ivan, Daniel, or Denis._ _Those are demons in the shape of Ivan, Daniel, and Denis._ I could feel their demonic intent. It felt like, in an instant, they could be on top of me, tormenting me. I held my arms out in an attempt to stop them from pouncing on me. Everything in my body sensed that they were about to destroy me. My torment was about to begin.

"No, no, no—no, no, no. Wait, wait, wait... I want to talk to Satan!" I blurted loudly as my focus was on the demon that looked like Daniel.

"I want to talk to Satan!" I loudly demanded again.

Daniel scowled viciously at me in anger. I got the sense that they couldn't do anything until I spoke with Satan, and so some ease came over me. Something was holding all of the demons in the room back from tormenting me. Another evil revelation hit me. It occurred to me that I had a shot at selling my soul and forgoing, for a time, the torment I was about to experience. _I can ask for something in exchange for my soul. That's how it is, right? What would I ask for if I could have anything? What would be the wisest thing I could ask for, so that I got the best possible outcome?_ _Well, wisdom is the wisest thing._

"I want to talk to Satan. I want wisdom!" I shouted again.

They scowled viciously at me again.

"I want more wisdom than any of you—more than Ivan, Daniel, or Dennis. I want more wisdom than anyone on Earth. That's what I want. I want more wisdom than Satan himself!"

Daniel leaned forward on the couch and looked me directly in the eye.

"You can't talk to Satan, yet," he said in a strangely calm but vicious manner.

_What do you mean I can't talk to Satan—YET? I thought he would just show up if you wanted to sell your soul._ Terror plowed into me again. _How long will I have to wait in this evil place and state for him?_ I suddenly saw a vision of myself with massive power, Hitler-like power.

"You can lead nations," the voice said.

I saw people goose-stepping at my request and tanks rolling down boulevards. _Wow_! I was in awe.

Then I saw myself with all the money I could handle.

"Whatever you want, it's yours. It is mine to give," the voice said.

Then I saw a vision of myself in the midst of wild, debauched and tantric sex with the most beautiful women I'd ever seen. _Wow!_

"She is yours," the voice said.

I quickly focused on her perfect body. She was moaning loudly in ecstasy with each thrust I made. _That's what I want! Yeah, wow, I want that with all the power and money._ I looked at her face closer to admire what I could have _. No, but I want wisdom along with all of that!_

"No, I still want wisdom!" I said.

I somehow instantly saw into her soul. She looked empty and dead inside, a shell of a person. She was as dead as a rock has life. _She is alive physically but she is dead spiritually. No, I don't want her! I don't want her!_ Then I looked at myself while I was having sex with her. I gazed upon my face, I was in pure torment as I continued to thrust because I knew she was dead and I knew that I was, too. I was alive but I was dead. _You have everything the world offers but you have nothing. There is no purpose in this and inevitably you go to Hell, anyway. I don't want this! I don't want this! I don't want any of this!_

"No, I don't want that I want wisdom!" I shouted into the room.

Instantly a different quieter voice spoke.

"Wisdom isn't from Satan. It's from God," the whispering voice said.

A flurry of wisdom and knowledge hit me en masse and I remembered. _Yes, that's right my mom told me that once._

"NO, @#$% SATAN!" I shouted at the demons.

"I WANT TO TALK TO JESUS!" I said, full of hope.

Instantly the demons were all thrown forcefully back into their chairs and were held there, completely restrained. They had lost all their power and ability over me the second I said the name Jesus. I was astonished. A glory began to permeate the room. _I can't believe what I'm seeing. A type of light began to emit from their eye sockets, it was a light that seemed to have glory in it.. Maybe I have a shot. Please, God, give me another shot. I am so, so sorry my God!_

"I WANT TO TALK TO JESUS! JESUS SAVE ME! JESUS PLEASE SAVE ME!" I shouted in desperate repentance over and over again.

The demons that looked like Ivan, Daniel, and Denis began to nod their heads up and down in approval of what I was saying as I continued begging God to save me.

"JESUS SAVE ME! JESUS SAVE ME! JESUS SAVE ME!" I continued.

I looked at Daniel and saw him begin to smile. He smiled a glorious smile. They were perfectly white teeth. I had never seen such whiteness in all my life. He didn't speak but from his perfect smile came words.

"We didn't make the right decision, but you made the right decision," he said, words full of love and favor.

A glorious feeling overcame me. An indescribable light like none I had ever witnessed entered the room. I was in awe. Beautiful chills ran up and down my spine. The glorious light that had no origin was beautifully luminescent and in it was peace. What once had been evil was now good and glorious despite Satan's objections. I kept begging Christ to save me as all this happened. _This can't be! I can't have a second chance!_
Chapter 27

Suddenly air came back into my lungs, my heart began to beat again, and the coldness of the room instantly hit me. I looked at my hands and watched the redness of my blood flow back into them.

"I got a second chance!" I said in disbelief.

Again I said it as I felt my blood flow to the corners of my body.

"I got a second chance!"

_I gotta get outta here!_ I jumped out of the chair, ran to the sliding glass door, opened it and then turned around. I pointed at Ivan, Daniel, and Denis.

"You're all evil and you're all going to Hell!" I screamed.

I turned back towards the sliding glass door and ran outside. A cold wall of air hit me as I looked across the street and saw the Washington bar.

"I'm back on Earth!" I said in shock.

_I'm alive! I'm alive!_ I sprinted to my car and got in. The sheer terror of everything that had happened to me prevented me from remembering how to start the car. I pulled out my key and couldn't remember where the ignition was.

"Ok, ok, where is it again?"

I looked around the dash and finally found the keyhole. I placed the key in the ignition and started the car. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. Psychedelic trance was blaring from the speakers. My favorite music suddenly sounded evil and horrible to my ears. I slapped the power to turn off the CD player. The fear of everything that had happened and everything that could still happen was overwhelming me.

"Oh..." I took a deep breath as I shook from fear.

Think rationally, man. Ok, how do I drive? Reverse first then head out the gate.

"Shoot!"

I can't get out of here with out the gate opener.

"To heck with it, just drive through the gate."

_If you drive through the gate, you could hurt yourself. Don't chance dying again._ I took a couple of deep breaths. I have to go in that room again to get the gate opener _. I can't go back there! I can't!_

"You have to!"

God, give me strength to do this! Please don't let me die again! I don't want that life anymore! I want to be saved from all that! I don't want to live like I was—I want to live like you tell me to.

"Just go!"

I got out of the car and walked cautiously to Ivan's apartment. I walked towards the sliding glass door and stood around the corner in a place that they couldn't see me. To my amazement, I saw Ivan still standing in the same place with his mouth wide open, staring emptily into space. I looked at Daniel sitting on the couch. He just stared at the wall with a blank and dead stare _. No one ever got away from that place, huh? Everyone else sold their souls!_ They didn't seem to notice that I was there _. Beat them to a bloody pulp if they try anything, but don't go back inside that place!_ I pumped myself up ready for the biggest fight of my life. I sprinted to the door.

"Give me the bloody gate opener, or I'll kick your butt," I shouted violently into the room as I threw the sliding glass door open all the way. I had one foot inside their place and one foot outside.

Ivan slowly turned his head to me with his mouth still wide open and stared at me in shock. He didn't say a word.

"That's right, you couldn't kill me, you son of a gun!" I shouted angrily at him.

Ivan stood there and said nothing. Daniel slowly got up, blank stare still on his face and walked towards their turntables sitting on their marble-legged glass desk. He picked the gate opener up and walked towards me in a lifeless manner. I backed away from the door and walked midway into the courtyard. I let him walk in front of me. He lifelessly passed by and then went towards the gate. I got into my car and started it. My heart was still beating fast and it felt like I could slip back into death at any second. _What is reality? How do I know if I'm not really in Hell? I feel alive but this could be a trick! Everything feels unstable._ I was still so scared that it took me about two minutes to figure out how to drive again. I backed out of the parking lot slowly and then Daniel opened the gate for me. I looked both ways to see if any cars or buses might be flying down the street, ready to strike my car at high velocity.

"Nothing!"

I braved my worst fear as I pulled out onto the street and headed for my apartment. The whole way home I was living in the fear of getting hit by a bus or car. It took every bit of strength and energy I had to make it to my apartment. I drove into the underground car-park at my apartment. I was just about to get out of my car when suddenly a spiritual attack came in full force.

"You're going to die. You're not really alive. You just think you are!" the evil voice started again.

My heart began to beat wildly again, piercing pain slamming my chest with each beat. Fear overwhelmed me. The fear drained my physical strength. "Jesus, save me!" I shouted as I got out of the car.

I got out of my car and almost fell down on the ground. I held myself up against the side of my car and regained enough strength to enter into the basement elevator shaft. I hit the button to take the elevator up to my apartment. My mind was going wild. "The elevator will never come. Now you're stuck in this room for eternity," the voice said.

My heart began to beat faster and began to hurt again. It felt like something was reaching inside my chest and squeezing my heart with all its might. I fell to the ground and lay there looking up at the florescent lights on the ceiling. My heart continued to beat faster despite my attempts to calm myself. Little black shingles began to appear in the periphery of my vision. They moved their way forward, closed in on my forward sight, and then began to block out the light radiating from the fluorescent ceiling lights.

"Jesus, please save me!" I whimpered as I became almost fully blind.

"Get up, get up," another voice of strength said to me.

Suddenly the blindness went away and I threw myself to my feet again. I was in an utter panic. I hit the elevator button again. It immediately opened. I rushed inside. I couldn't remember what floor I lived on and couldn't have seen straight enough to push my floors button anyway, so I slapped all the buttons on the elevator. The door closed. One floor at a time the elevator opened and closed. All the floors looked exactly the same when the elevator doors opened.

"It's going to keep going up and up and up. This is your Hell now. You will never get out of this elevator!" the voice said.

A vision flashed before my eyes of me trying to take the stairs up to my apartment. I saw myself running and running up the stairs, but there was no end to them.

"No, Jesus, please!" I shouted.

_Don't take the stairs or you may collapse again and die there!_ _Just let the elevator do the work for you._ The elevator continued upwards as my heart continued to be squeezed and beat painfully. Finally it came to the top floor and I got off the elevator. I went to my door and began to pound on it as hard as I could. The door opened and Efe and her sister stood behind it. _Thank God! I might have a second chance._

"Call the ambulance! I'm having a heart attack!" I said in terror to Efe.

"Are you all right, Ben?" she said frightened.

"No, I'm dying!"

"Ok, ok, I'll call the ambulance!" she said in a panic.

I stumbled into my room and flung myself on my bed. _If I die now, no one ever will know what happened! I have to call my parents! I have to tell someone that this is real._ I reached inside my jacket pocket and pulled out my phone. I searched through my contact list for my mom's saved phone number. I found it _. In that place, her number wasn't in my phone. I must be on Earth._ I called her. It rang a couple of times and then she picked up the phone.

"Hello," my mom said.

"Mom, are you a Christian? Is Dad a Christian? Is David a Christian?" I blurted in terror.

"Yes, Ben? What's wrong?" she said in an incredibly worried tone.

Tears suddenly streamed down my face. _I'm not in Hell! Nothing so beautiful could have been said in that place! I have a second chance!_

"Mom, I died and came back again!"

"What!"

"Is Jesus Christ God?"

"Yes!" she said firmly.

"You have no idea how good that is to hear!"

I really have a second shot.

"I love you guys. I'm so sorry for being the way I have always been. I'm sorry for never listening to you. I'm sorry for not believing in God!"

"It's ok, honey, it's ok! Don't worry about it. Now what happened?"

I told her as much as I could before the ambulance came and took me to the hospital.
Chapter 28

The curtains to my hospital room slide open and the nurse entered. _It's about time. I've been waiting here for four hours._

"So, your EKG showed signs of irregularities."

"I told those jerks in the ambulance it wasn't a panic attack!"

"Huh." She shook her head as she looked at my results. "Well, the doctor should see you in a bit."

_If I'm having heart trouble, shouldn't he come sooner? Oh, yeah, nationalized health service. Wonderful._ I took a deep breath. I was still in shock.

"Do you believe in God?"

"Yes, why?"

"Just curious."

"Yes, I go to church," the Indian woman said.

_Good to hear someone does in this dang country_. _When is this doctor really gonna come?_

"How long do you think it will take for the doctor to come?"

"Well, I believe you're fifth on the list."

"Well, how long in time will that take?"

"Probably around an hour or so."

A bit my butt. I want to get outta here. I want to talk to someone about all this. Please God, let me just understand what happened.

"Ok, well, thanks," I said cynically.

"You're welcome," she said shaking her head as she slid the curtains shut and walked away.

"Why does this have to take so long?" I sighed.

I sat behind the curtain for some time and thought about the night and the weeks leading up to it. I wrestled with a lot internally as I sat there. _What am I supposed to do now, God? I mean what can I do? How is it that I can be saved from all this? I don't feel saved at all, even though I'm back from the dead. I feel the same as before. What assurance can I have that I am saved, because I feel like I could go right back to Hell? What is it that really saves a person from all this junk? I mean I thought I was a "Christian" so many times before. I always tried to be, but I couldn't do my best and I always messed up. I thought I got "saved" at that church camp in New Mexico. No, I think it was when I was nine years old, actually. I never felt anything spiritual before; I didn't feel anything. Where is this good God's presence that everyone keeps talking about? If there is this much of a spiritual side to evil then where is the good side God? And how do I live in it? Am I missing the point? I still feel like I'm going to go back to Hell! Oh, God, please, I don't want to_. Anxiety gripped me again.

"Please God, don't let me go to Hell again," I said tearfully.

Think, Ben—just asking Christ to save you brought you back from the dead. But why didn't it work as quick when I was lying on the ground in the car-park basement?

"Believe in Jesus and you will be saved," I said quietly to myself.

_But I have been believing in Jesus tonight, I think. I mean I definitely know he is real now, but how does that really save me? I mean I believe in him. Shoot, I really believe in him now._ It suddenly hit me.

"Have faith in Christ!" I said.

Ok, so have faith in Christ. How do I have faith in Him? What does faith even mean?

"Oh, this is so hard," I mumbled. "Why does it always have to be so hard?"

_I can't ever just pray and be saved. I have tried it a bunch of times and then I go back to the same lifestyle. I don't get it_.

"What is faith, though?"

I sat there in my waiting room and mulled over what faith was for about thirty minutes.

"What is it?"

Strangely enough I thought of _Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade_. I visualized Indiana standing at the edge of a cliff which dropped off into what seemed to be an abyss. He took a step of faith and his foot landed on solid ground.

"Take a step of faith!"

_How do I do that though?_ Something prodded my heart and seemed to say. "Just leave the hospital and trust that I saved you for a reason."

I began to laugh. _Somehow that makes sense. It's totally irrational but what about tonight has been rational?_ I sat there a bit longer and took a deep breath. _Just go_! I stood up, walked to the curtain and slid it open. I saw a man with a bandage around his head, sitting in a chair directly in front of me. _I hate hospitals. So just leave, then? These people can't save you, anyway. They can shock you all they want but they don't control death._ I leaned over a counter and got a hospital worker's attention.

"I think I'm going to leave. Do I need to like sign something?"

"No, you don't. Are you sure you want to leave? You're next on the list," he said skeptically.

I suddenly realized that this was a test of some sort. I became confident in my decision.

"Yes, absolutely."

"Ok, well, I wish you luck."

"I don't think I need luck, man," I said.

I began to walk away from him but couldn't find the exit. _Wait a second, how do I get out of here?_ I walked back to him and leaned over the counter.

"By the way, how do I get out of here?"

"That's the exit." He pointed down a hallway through some metal doors.

"Cheers, man."

I walked through the metal doors and into the main lobby of the hospital. _Oh, man, I have to get a cab._ I became anxious again. _I don't want the cab driver to kill me. What if he does? Well, you have nothing to lose. You have done everything you can. Just get one—you don't have a choice._ I saw a man sitting in a booth that said information on it.

"Excuse me, do you know where I can call a taxi?"

"Yeah, it's over there," he said in a Cockney accent, pointing.

I looked to where he was pointing, still in mild shock from the night's events. I didn't see a phone.

"Where?" I asked again.

"Over there!" he said again in a more frustrated tone.

I looked again and didn't see the phone. My reality got shaky. _I can't take one little thing going wrong right now! Oh, God, no. Not this again. The thought rushed to me. I'll never find the phone. Just ask one more time. Please, God, don't let that happen._

"Where, man?" I asked again.

"OVER THERE," he said in an aggravated manner while holding his hand firmly outstretched.

I looked again and saw a giant red phone that predated my birth, hanging on the wall.

"Good grief, I don't know how I missed that," I said to him.

The man just shook his head. _Yeah, I'm an idiot. I know, I know. Well, to heck with you buddy, you don't have the vaguest idea of what I've been through tonight_. I walked to the phone.

"Just pick it up and it will connect you with the cab service," the man shouted at me from across the room.

"Thanks," I shouted back.

I picked up the phone and waited for it to connect.

"You need a taxi?" an Arabic-accented voice asked.

"Yeah, please."

"Ok, five minutes."

"Thanks."

_Ok._ I took a deep breath. I walked outside and stood next to a woman and man. The woman was shaking from the cold as she pulled out a cigarette _. Oh, man, I want a cigarette._

"Excuse me, can I bum a cigg off you?"

"Yeah, here ya go," the women smiled at me with a set of teeth that were certainly British.

She pulled out a cigarette and handed it to me.

"You need a light?"

"Please!"

She lit the cigarette for me as she smiled.

"You have absolutely no idea how much this means to me."

"Well, you're at a hospital, so I can understand."

"Yeah, that's saying the least."

I took a couple of big drags of the cigarette. It felt good to have cold air and smoke fill my lungs. It made me feel alive.

"Thanks!"

"You're very welcome."

"Hey do you know what time it is?"

"Yes, it's..." She looked at her watch. "Four thirty."

I leaned up against the wall of the building and smoked my cigarette. Just as I was finishing it the cab pulled up. I got anxious again. _Moment of truth. Please don't let me die again, God._ I walked to the cab, which was unofficial, and hesitated before I got in. _Oh no, this is a ghetto cab. I don't know, I don't know._ _You have to trust that God saved you for a reason, man._ _You have to. Please don't let this guy blow my head off my shoulders, God_! I grabbed the handle and slid the van door open and got in. I became intensely anxious because of the shady aspect of an unofficial cab. _I need to say something_. I felt like the man was about to turn around and tell me I was in Hell. I didn't care what he or anyone else thought. I just needed to state a reality, a truth.

"There's a Heaven and Hell, a good and evil, and there is a God and his name is Jesus Christ," I blurted firmly.

_Dread entered my heart. Please God don't let him tell me I'm in Hell._ The man jumped a little in his seat and then turned around and smiled at me.

"Let me tell you something, brother, you're absolutely right," the black cab driver said in an African accent.

Beautiful chills ran down my spine. What! This can't be! What!

"Are you serious?" I said with tears welling up in my eyes.

"Yes, God is Jesus Christ—you are right."

"No way, are you serious?" I began to cry.

"Totally serious," he continued, smiling brightly.

Is this an angel?

"Who are you?"

He extended his arm to me.

"Marlon." He shook my hand.

"Are you an angel?"

"No, I'm actually a minister on the East End of London and a taxi driver."

I broke down in tears.

"Are you really serious?"

"I am." He smiled at me.

"I thought you were gonna tell me I was in Hell."

"No, you're not." He kept smiling.

"Man, you have no idea what I've been through tonight."

"Why don't you tell me?"

"Ok, well..."

"Where do you live first?"

"Oh, yeah, umm, near Chalk Farm Station."

"Ok," he said as he put the car into drive and pulled away from the hospital.

I told him everything that had happened that evening as we headed toward my place.

"Yes, there is that kind of evil in this world."

"You believe me?"

"Yes, I do!"

We finally made it to my place where Marlon parked his cab on the sidewalk.

"I don't know what to do with all of this. I mean I don't feel saved at all. In fact I feel like I could go right back to Hell at any second."

"Do you want to receive Jesus into your heart?"

_I thought I've already done that a couple of times. Nothing ever changes, but I really want to receive Him into my life with everything I have. What if I can't? That would be an absolute tragedy._ Anxiety crept in and I began to worry that I couldn't be saved and maybe this was all just a trick. _It's just part of my torment. What if you're really in Hell, you're just in denial about it. What if it spirals down again? What if he isn't a Christian? What if he isn't a minister? What if he stops midway through the prayer and tells me that I'm in Hell. I'll instantly go there again. That's the reality. No, no... You got a second chance and your breathing oxygen again. There's no oxygen in Hell._

"Ok," I said.

God is Jesus Christ. That's the truth. You have to just pray and see what happens. God please save me from this life I've been living. I really don't want to be that person anymore. Save me from that place.

"Yeah, I do want to do that. I do want to be truly saved."

"Ok, just pray what I pray with all your heart and out loud."

"Ok, I will."

Marlon put his arm over the back portion of his seat and looked at me.

"Jesus, I know that you and only you have the power to save Man," he said.

_Yes that's true_. I repeated after him.

"I repent and turn away from my sins and from evil."

_Yes with all my heart, God_. _With all my heart, God, I don't want to ever live like I did again._ Tears streamed down my face. I repeated again after him.

"I believe that you are God, that you died, resurrected, and ascended into Heaven. I believe that you are alive."

_Yes, I certainly believe that. You brought me back from the dead!_ I repeated after him. The minister stopped praying for a moment. _Is that it? I don't feel saved. I've prayed that before, it didn't do a dang thing for me._ I began to bite my nails.

"Is that it?"

Marlon removed his arm from his seat and sat there in silence for about five seconds.

"No, it's not, and I pray that you would receive His Holy Spirit!"

A light went on in my head and glorious chills ran down my spine. _Yes, that's what I need. I've been messing around with evil spirits. I don't want evil—I want holiness. Yes, I want the Holy Spirit._ I willingly and desperately opened my heart to receiving the Holy Spirit. _Please give me your Spirit, God._

"Yes, I want the Holy Spirit. That's what I've always needed."

As soon as I said this and believed that I could receive the Holy Spirit, a calm, icy, hot breeze descended on me from above. Instantly my whole body and mind experienced a peace that was indescribable. I felt unconditional love and mercy fall on me. I sat there and cried tears of joy.

"It's ok—you're ok. You're saved now. You're safe," a small voice, full of love, said from within me.

_I am saved! I am saved! I finally know that I am saved!_ I sat there for a few moments and just basked in the peace and presence of God that had overcome me. I looked at Marlon and smiled.

"Thank you, man, really, thank you! I'm finally saved!"

"Your welcome, brother," he said in his African accent.

I pointed at him.

"Really, man, thank you!"

"Yes, Benjamin. Thank God!" he smiled.

"I will! Every day of my life!"

I reached into my pocket and looked for money. I didn't have any on me.

"Shoot, I don't have any cash. Let me go upstairs and get some."

"Don't worry about it," he said.

"You sure?"

"Yes!"

"Well, again thank you so, so much, you have no idea how much I needed this!"

"God, has a way of putting people in the right places at the right time."

"Yeah, he does." I began to cry again.

He really does love me. This wasn't a coincidence. Thank you my God. Thank you!

"Well, I'm pretty tired so..."

"Yes, go to bed, Benjamin, and get some rest."

We exchanged numbers then I got out of his cab. I entered my apartment and fell asleep immediately.
Chapter 29

I stood overlooking the snow-covered Alps in Huemoz with a blanket wrapped around me. _So all I have to do is rest in you. I just have to rest in the fact that what you told me a few months ago will come to pass. That's it? But still I am so anxious about it. I want to be blessed now. Why is it that I always have to wait? It seems like I am constantly waiting._

I sighed.

_Lord, just make me into the man you want me to be. Make me Holy like you. That's all that matters. I am so not there right now. This is a hard prayer to pray, but do whatever it takes to make me righteous like you are._ I felt God's pleasure with me as His presence was manifest in and around me. _God, I just want to know you more. Remove all these things that keep me from you. Help me to see what you want for me. Help me to be who you want me to be and please, Lord, save me from these deep-rooted habits and all my ways that are against your will._

I stood there gazing out on the magnificence of the Alps as I basked in God's presence.

"God, help me to trust you, to fully trust you. You say in your Word, 'For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper and not harm you, plans for a hope and a future.'"

I sighed.

"Help me to trust this, to trust your Holy Word. Help me to trust this reality and not the reality of the lying world!"

Peace was upon me and I knew that God had heard and would answer my prayer.

I reflected back on the last eleven months. _I am so much better than I was. I have totally changed in comparison, but I still feel so far from the perfection you desire for me. Bless me as I go to London to see Alex. Bless our time together. Help me be a blessing to him. Help me be selfless instead of selfish with my friend._

I sat there and reflected on what my visit would be like. Ivan popped into my mind.

"Lord, I told him to repent and to turn away from his sorcery and witchcraft. I told him to stop doing evil and turn to you for forgiveness. He wouldn't and he seemed to detest me for it. Lord, please save him. Please save him."

I walked slowly down the ice-covered mountain road and kept praying.

"God, just help him turn from evil."

I doubt he will change, though. I don't even know if he can now. I don't want to see him again if he won't change. You likely will, though.

"God, if he won't change, then do something about him. Do something about him. I cannot stand to see him and experience his wickedness or lies again. If he will not repent, Lord, then get rid of him! Destroy him like you destroyed David's enemies! Let my life be exactly as it says in Your Word. Let my life be like Psalm 37. Help me not to worry because of those who are evil. Help me not to be grieved by those who do wrong. Make my enemies wither away like the grass; make them die away if they will not repent. Help me to trust in You and to do good. Help me to dwell in the land and to enjoy safe pasture. Help me to delight in you and your ways and please, Lord, give me the desires of my heart. Give me the desires of my heart. Bless me and let me be a blessing to other, Lord."

I took a deep breath. I fixed my gaze on the Dents du Midi and smiled.

"I love you, my God. I love you."

I kept looking out on the mountain and felt like I had gotten what I had come for. I felt fully at peace.

"Well, God, that's about it for now. I'm gonna go inside. It's freezing out here!"

I walked back inside.

A few days later I went to the office at L'Abri and paid for my stay. "Yeah, I think I got what I came for, ya know," I said.

"Well, that's good to hear," John said with a smile on his face.

God, I hope I don't have to see Ivan when I am there. Please don't let me encounter him.

"Yeah, I'm happy I came. I feel like I got some closure on all that stuff that happened a year ago and what God told me about the future. Just being up here helps, ya know—sometimes you've just got to get quiet, get some clarity, and reflect on the things God has told you."

"Well, if it's any encouragement to you, you seem like you've gotten your feet on some solid ground compared to last time."

"I think so, too. I gotta tell you, it's funny how God does things."

"He has his ways."

I got up.

"Yeah, he does," I said while laughing.

"Where are you going now?"

"I'm gonna go see a friend in London—hopefully I'll see him. He's a bit hard to track down most of the time. Actually, he doesn't even know I'm coming."

"Well, all the best in London and wherever else you go."

I walked towards his door. "I got a feeling I'll be seeing you again."

"Well, I hope so, it will be interesting to hear from you again."

I walked outside his office, into the hallway of L'Abri, picked up my bag and walked to the bus stop. The bus came ten minutes later and took me to Aigle, where I got on the train bound for Geneva. I sighed and threw my bags on the seat in front of me.

_Better call Alex_. I pulled out my phone and rang him. He didn't pick up.

"God, please let him be there. I don't know what I'm gonna do in London for a week, if he isn't there."

The train pulled away from Aigle station _. If I encounter Ivan help me to tell him about your truth once again. Please give me the strength to do it. You can do all things._ I peered out the window and watched the dormant vineyards disappear as the train approached Montreux _. I can't believe there are such evil people in the world. I don't want to believe it._

"Man," I shook my head as I looked out the window. "Crazy life I've got!"

The train continued on till I arrived at the Geneva Airport. I got my ticket, walked through security and sat down at my gate. I looked out the large glass windows towards the mountains. It was a beautiful sunny day. Clouds drifted across the light blue sky against the backdrop of snowcapped mountains jutting up from the sides of Lake Geneva.

"Thanks for giving me a second chance," I said as a feeling of ecstasy ran down my spine. I wanted to cry. Life felt beautiful. _Don't cry, Ben_. My eyes still welled with tears. "Thank you Lord!" I said as I admired the beauty of creation.

His presence enraptured me _. Thank you for protecting me. Thanks for healing so much of my mind and body. Thank you for loving me. I want to do so much for you but I don't know where to start. Just keep guiding me. Don't let go of me_. I stopped praying.

"I don't really have anything left to say," I muttered to Him.

I walked to the smoking section and lit a cigarette. I heard a woman over the loudspeaker.

"EasyJet flight to London will begin boarding in five minutes."

_Ok, give Alex one last call._ I took a drag off my cigarette then pulled my phone out and called Alex. I walked over to the window and stood in the warm sunlight that flowed through the pain of glass.

"Uh, alio," Alex said in a tired tone.

"Hey, man, it's me," I said excitedly.

Thanks for letting me get hold of him. Why do I always worry about this kind of stuff? What will be, will be—just as you want it to be!

"Hey, Ben, how are you?" he said, less than enthused.

"Great, dude, I just wanted to let you know I'm gonna be in London in two hours or so. Can I crash at you place, man?"

"Yes, please do," he said in a depressed tone.

"What's up, man, you sound kinda upset or something," I said, concerned.

"Yeah, man, it's just been really messed up."

"What?"

"Well, the last night I went to Tantra, I came out of the club and saw some of my friends getting their butts kicked. So, I jumped in and tried to help them."

"Yeah?"

"So, this guy took some cheap shots at a friend of mine and then I got into it with him. He tried to run away from me but I chased him for like two miles through central London, man. I was drunk off my butt, too."

"Shoot, man, two miles? That's some stamina," I said.

"Yeah, so we come to this back street. I'm like, bring it on, bring it on, you jerk."

"Haha, yeah, I can see this in my head."

"Hahaha... Ow, it hurts." He seemed to writhe in pain.

"What's wrong, man?"

"Well, hold up, I'll tell you. So, I told him to bring it on and he grabbed a glass bottle in an alleyway, smashed it and before I knew it cut me in the face with it. He brought it on, Ben. He really brought it on!"

"Oh, man, dude, are you ok?"

"Not really. He almost cut off the whole top part of my lip."

"Whoa! Did you see a doctor?"

Dumb question!

"What the heck do you think? I got out of hospital like three hours ago. They stitched it up. So it's fine now."

"Wow, well, it's good you got it stitched up. Don't very well want to walk around with a hanging lip, ya know!"

"No, not at all. But shoot man, I hope it doesn't make me look ugly."

"I'm sure it will be fine, man. Don't worry about it if you can. I'll take care of you while I'm there."

"Thanks, man, it will be nice to have someone around you know," he said sadly.

"Yeah, man. No worries."

"But another thing, man..."

"Yeah, what's up?"

"Ivan is dead."

A thousand thoughts flew through my mind in an instant. _Is this a joke?_

"Come on, man, don't jerk around with me like that."

"No, man, I'm not. He is... dead."

"What? Are... Are you really serious?"

"Yeah, man," Alex said with sadness in his voice.

"Shoot, man." I took a deep breath. "How did he die?"

"He was in Venezuela with Antonio. You remember Antonio, right?"

"Yeah man?"

Alex paused.

"Well, what happened?" I said.

"Well, Ivan was with his brother and Antonio's girlfriend. They came out of a club and then went to get something to eat. After they ate they got back into the car and started to drive off. Some guys must have followed them from the club. They began to open fire on Antonio's car. I think they were trying to assassinate him—he is very wealthy, you know."

"Yeah, I gathered that."

"So, anyway, man, they shot up the car with Kalashnikovs—real bad."

"Did all of them die?"

"No man, that's the thing. Just Ivan. I think seven or eight bullets hit him. He was dead instantly, from what I was told."

"Oh, man."

"Yeah, some of the bullets went through Ivan and scratched Alexander, but he wasn't even hurt."

_That sounds about right_.

"Weird," I said.

"I know man, what luck."

"I have a feeling it was more than luck, bro."

"Maybe, man. Maybe you are right."

"So Alexander, Antonio, and his girlfriend are ok?"

"Yeah, they are all fine."

I took a deep breath, stepped closer to the window and gazed out at the mountains. The sun hit my face. A surreal feeling hit me. _I'm alive and he isn't. It seemed like he would live forever._

"I never thought I would outlive Ivan, man," Alex said.

"Dude, me neither."

"It's really messed up, though."

"I know man."

The women came back on the loudspeaker and said the flight was now boarding.

"Wow, man, I'm speechless," I said in slight shock. _What do I make of this?_

"I know. Me, too."

"Good grief, man, well, my flight is boarding. I have to go. I'll call you when I arrive in London. Where do you live now?" I said with some urgency.

"Albion Riverside building—it looks like a giant metal fruit."

"Ok, cool, well, I'll call you when I get to London."

"Ok, man."

_Calm down. You're not gonna miss your flight!_ I stopped freaking out and refocused my attention on Alex. "Hey dude..." I said softly.

"Yeah, man?"

"I love you—so much, bro."

"Yeah, I love you, too, man," Alex said in an emotional and shaky voice.

"I'm sorry about your lip and Ivan."

"Yeah, me, too. It was all at the same time, you know."

"Yeah, I know. We'll talk about it when I get to London."

"Yeah, it will be good to see you. It's been a while."

I sighed.

"It will be great to see you man—really great! Well, see you in a bit."

"Yeah, see you soon."

I hung up the phone and stood there while the sun beat down on my face.

"I don't know what to think about this, Lord," I shook my head in shock.

He was evil, but I wanted him to change. What a story that would have been. Maybe he would have changed. Could he have, though? Can Antichrists just change? I don't know what to think.

"Oh, man, that's heavy!" I took a deep breath and then exhaled.

_What more could I have done? Could I have done anything? What can I do?_ Suddenly a revelation hit me.

"I can forgive him," I muttered to myself.

Lord, you say in your Word that those who have sinned against us will be forgiven. If we forgive them, then you will you forgive them. You give us that power. If that eases his burden where he is right now then...

"Lord, please forgive him. I forgive him. Take away all the sins he committed against me. Ease his burden," I said ardently as tears streamed down my face.

I knew Ivan, knew where his sudden relief had come from.

"Dang it, Ivan! Why didn't you listen to me? Why, man?"

I boarded the flight to London and went to see my friend Alex.

