- It is so good to be here
'cause I have only been
talking to college students
for the last four months.
Oh my god.
It is so nice to just be here
and be talking to
real sad people.
You know what I mean?
Like, ugh, they have
hope in their eyes.
It's fucking gross.
(audience laughs)
And here's the thing,
I didn't know this.
Did you know that college
kids drink for fun
and not to forget?
Did you guys know that?
(audience laughs)
That's insane!
Like, I remember
when I was in college
I would drink whatever
to get fucked up, right?
I'd be like gin and tonic?
Hell yeah.
Vodka soda?
Fuck yeah.
(audience laughs)
Ethanol and Fanta?
Let's party.
(audience laughs)
I can't do that anymore.
I'm 32, okay?
I go to bed at 10
p.m. every night
so I can wake up at
six in the morning
and listen to motivational tapes
so I have a reason to live.
That's
(audience laughs)
all I do now. (chuckles)
And it bums me out
'cause recently my
favorite one, Tony Robbins
got me too-ed.
Did you hear the news?
(girl laughs)
Is anyone surprised?
(audience laughs)
No, people pay $80,000
to go to their seminars, okay?
If there's not a weird,
satanic, sex-orgy going on,
it's a waste of my
fucking money, okay?
(audience laughs)
He got me too-ed.
I got really sad
about it and look,
we're all monsters!
Everyone in Hollywood
is a fucking monster.
In two years, the only
people we'll have left
are going to be Lin-Manuel
Miranda and a Muppet.
Those are the only ones.
(audience laughs)
Okay and not even a good one.
Gonzo?
He fucks chickens.
(audience laughs)
Okay?
Miss Piggy is an abuser.
(laughing)
And Kermit, he's a beta male.
No one fucking likes Kermit.
(audience laughs)
All right?
He's a cuck, we all know that.
(laughing loudly)
Yeah man.
I mean, here's the thing
is that, when it
comes to drinking
the one thing I really hate
hearing is people saying that
lady drinks, right?
Girly drinks are somehow
the weaker drink.
That's bullshit.
'Cause I've never been
more fucked up in my life
than off a girly drink.
(audience chuckles)
Beer?
That's shit.
(audience laughs)
Yeah, I could drink
12 beers, pass out,
wake up in a fountain smelling
like a yeast infection, yeah.
(laughing)
I could do that.
Or I can drink 2/3 of an
Appletini, black out, wake up
I've started a small
business, okay?
(crowd laughs)
I just wake up, I'm just like,
"Ah shit, did I incorporate
again last night?"
(laughs)
Ugh, man.
So much paperwork.
(laughs)
These dudes in my bed,
they're my shareholders, okay?
(laughs)
We have a meeting coming up.
The other thing I don't like.
I don't like stereotypes, right?
I hate this concept
of big dick energy.
(laughs)
Right?
You guys know what
I'm talking about.
And I'll tell you
why I don't like it,
'cause it's not real, okay?
I've met people with big dicks.
They are weird, quiet,
never make eye contact.
(laughs)
That is every person
with a big dick, okay?
What you have is medium
penis power at best.
And I get it, right?
It's heavy.
They can't make eye contact.
They're just like oh my god.
(laughs)
(exhales) I saw a boob today.
I am wiped.
(laughs)
(groans) It's true.
I went on a date with a guy,
during the date he said,
"I just finished reading a
book on how to not be awkward."
(laughs)
And my first thought was
"oh man, I got to
go buy lube now".
Like that's, my night
is ruined, okay?
I've got to call out of work,
I don't even have a
job to go to, okay?
I was just going to call
an office and be like,
"Hi, I can't come in today,
I encountered a giant dick".
And they were going to
be like "who are you?"
and I would say a hero, click.
(laughs)
Living in LA has
really screwed me up.
Anyone else?
(cheers)
This place is weird, okay?
I didn't realize what
a bubble we live in,
until I left.
I was doing a show in
Johnson City, Tennessee
and I was on stage talking
about the healing
powers of crystals.
(laughs)
Then I saw the look of
horror on everyone's face,
and I was like oh, they
think I'm talking about meth.
'Cause everywhere else
in the country, LA,
crystal is meth, okay?
I was on stage being like,
oh my god, the healing
powers of crystals.
And they're just like
crystal ruined my family.
Like it was,
such a different experience.
I also learned about
this thing living in LA,
called sex magic.
Have you guys heard of it?
Okay, get ready for your
minds to be blown, okay?
Sex magic is the act
of harnessing the power
of your orgasm to
achieve your goals.
That's it.
Its just masturbating
to things that you want.
(laughs)
It's like a vision board
in your pants, you know?
Like you don't need to cut
out magazines or anything.
Which I love this
concept 'cause that means
if you get caught by your
partner masturbating,
you can just be
like whatever babe
I was just casting spells, okay?
I was just casting some spells,
I'm trying to get us a house,
what the fuck are you doing?
(laughs)
You're lazy not me.
I know after this show,
some of you are going
to go home and be like,
let's screen play.
I get it.
(laughs)
I get it.
Look at that call back (groans)
or some of you are
just going to be like
$50 gift card from Starbucks.
I don't know, whatever.
Whatever you want to fuck to.
(laughs)
I'll leave you guys
with this little PSA.
I am a lady with endometriosis,
any of my other
endo ladies, huh?
Great, good to hear it.
So what this is
if you don't know,
it's a condition where
my uterine lining
grows on other parts of my body.
Right, like what a shitty
superpower to have.
Like when they were
giving out mutant powers,
they were just like
storm, weather, cyclopes,
eye shit, Jenny,
you're not going to like this.
And it's just more proof
of like how complicated
the female body is.
Like I can grow other
parts of my organs
everywhere else.
A dick is going
to grow one place,
it's not changin'.
There's never going to
be a doctor's appointment
where the doctor's like Mr.
Davis, the results came back.
It's exactly what we expected.
You have a dick growing on
the inside of your lung.
(laughs)
And he's just like oh my god.
what are my options, doctor?
Well you can either have a
high five, or a fist bump
'cause that shit is cool.
You have a dick in
your lung, dude.
Am I going to die?
Oh, for sure, you're
for sure going to die,
you have a dick in your lung.
Come on.
Every time he gets a boner
he coughs, c'mon it's great.
It's a great visual.
But truly, I got to take
care of myself, right?
I got to take care of all
that stuff down there.
Don't want to get
pregnant so I have an IUD.
Okay, some of you do
know what that is.
If you don't know what it is,
an IUD is a form
of birth control.
It's this little plastic T
that they put in your uterus
using a tee shirt cannon.
(laughs)
(upbeat music)
