- What's up, Roaches!
I'm back and blocky today.
We're gonna be jumping back
into our Minecraft file
and go check out what's been updated!
Now who put this Nether portal here?
Like a shallow pool, I'll
just dip my toes in, and,
ugh, gettin' queasy!
Oh God, I'm in Hell!
I knew I shouldn't have
cheated off Anya's homework.
Well, this place is welcoming.
But don't worry, Roaches,
it's nothing I can't handle!
Giant cavern, endless
ceilings, no map to guide me...
Yep, seems totally safe!
Call me Roach Bandicoot, this
place is like a platformer!
Whee!
(enemies grunt)
Great Granpapi, what is that?
Oh, no, it's after me!
You wanna tousle with
the Great Roach himself?
So be it!
Shoot me with an arrow one more time!
- [Announcer] Roached!
- Good night, sweet piggy!
Such a shame.
I loved your work on "Block Squad".
Tuesdays, noon Eastern, 9 am
Pacific only on ArcadeCloud!
(audience laughs)
All right, our first mine of the Nether!
And it's some yummy gold, too!
Anyone here ever tried edible gold?
Not as tasty as you might think.
Aw, the rest of it fell
all the way down there!
I'll just do some farming
of these super weird trees.
Why is this game so obsessed
with trying to make me
open my recipe book?
What are you, my mother?
- Remember, Honey, always add
extra salt to your dishes!
- Boy, that pig creature sure is loud.
Why couldn't you be more like pork chop?
Whoa! Well that wasn't lava.
(laughs) Lava comment below
if you know what this is!
(audience booing)
Mm, mm! Boy, do I love the
smell of sulfur in the mornin'.
Just listen to that stuff crackle.
Ugh, somebody call Kerry
Washington and Reese Witherspoon
'cause there's "Little Fires Everywhere!"
No? Nobody watches that show?
Go ask your parents about
it, I'm sure they'll know.
Two vs one?
This isn't fair!
Quick hogging the spotlight!
- [Announcer] Double Roached!
- Aha! Now I can go pick up
that strange-looking object.
Hmm, warped fungus?
Sure hope this doesn't attack humans
and turn my world into "The Last Of Us!"
Okay, to conserve my armor and health,
let's shoot from a distance.
Come on, Ol' Bessy!
♪ Meet me at the crossbow ♪
♪ I miss my Papa Roach, y'all ♪
All right, that was super effective!
Time to collect my loot and
be on my merry Nether way.
(Nether quartz shatters) Eep!
Why did that thing shatter like glass?
I was not expecting that!
What's it called?
Nether quartz?
Nether met a quartz I
didn't like! (laughs)
(audience booing)
♪ Hi ho, hi ho, ♪
♪ It's through the Nether we go ♪
(laughs) I see you down there!
Enjoy your final moments
before the Roaching!
The Roachening!
(enemies grunt)
The, the...
Ah, you get it.
(hogling grunts)
- [Announcer] Roached!
- Sorry, Pumba, I loved
you in "The Lion King,"
but now you're gonna join
Mufasa in the afterlife.
♪ It's the circle of Roach ♪
I don't care what Burger
King says about farts,
this steak is delicious!
Sure is eerily peaceful down here.
(screams) I, I'm okay!
Okay, we've healed up and
we're back with some lava.
Let's pretend that fall
just never happened!
(hoglings grunt)
Oh no, more Pumbas!
Just keep hopping!
No! My perfect safe tower!
I just wanted to explore, you dumb piggy!
Run, Roach!
Run like the wind!
Let's try this again.
Eep! They're all over me!
Gotta climb to safety!
This wall is my best friend now.
And so is this other wall!
And this roof!
And together I am completely
trapped inside this thing.
Man, sure wish Tanner was here
to bait the pigs and the other
creatures away from here.
Enemies always did like his blonde hair.
Now to eat this grassy steak
and heal myself back up.
And for my next trick, I
will make a Roach disappear!
My trick failed!
I knew I would never
make it as a magician!
Put on your bravery mask, Roach.
Let's do some distance sniping.
Take this!
And this!
And also this!
- [Announcer] Roached!
- One down!
- [Announcer] Roached!
- And the crowd goes wild!
Woo-hoo! Thank you, thank you!
He steadies an arrow, he aims true.
Did I hit anything?
I can't see!
- Yarr, me neither!
I've got no depth perception!
- Ah, so I was hitting something!
Quit blazing me, sir!
- [Announcer] Roached!
- Ha, that's what you get!
You just got Roached!
Phew, this Nether stuff
is more treacherous
than a solos game in Fortnite!
And there's not even marauders here!
This whole place reminds me
of an underground castle.
Do you think there's a king here?
Do you think I could take it over?
(stone breaking)
When in doubt, ax your way out!
Oh-ho, so it is a fortress of some kind,
with guards too.
Not to worry, I've got
my sword and my bow!
(arrows whoosh)
- [Announcer] Roached!
(sad music)
Roached!
- I knew you were in there!
(arrows whoosh)
Pew, pew!
Alright, that takes care of that.
Onwards!
Oop, wait, one more.
(vocalizing "Mission Impossible" theme)
Big Fortress, phew!
Running out of breath here
from all this jumping!
En Garde, Skele-bro!
You don't scare me!
- [Announcer] Roached!
- You're next, pig man!
Oh, wait, are you friendly?
(pigling grunts)
What a kind gentleman!
I'll just be on my way, sir!
Back to the land of Nether
quartz and giant Pumbas.
(grunts) I'm okay!
(gasps) Still okay!
What's that over there?
Is it water?
Is it a giant forest?
(gasps) A Nether forest!
I gotta get a better look!
There's an Enderman down there.
Huh, he must be the little
guardian of this place.
Gosh, it's so pretty, though.
Ow!
Nope, don't mind me, just taking a gander!
Whee! Up the vines we go!
(wheezes) Gotta stop landing like that.
Man, with a view like this
you could really get lost in here.
Uh-oh, I think I'm actually lost!
(groans) Well, we've gotta
cut the episode here, folks,
I need some time to
regroup with my thoughts.
But don't worry,
we'll be back soon with another
episode of "Roach Plays!"
Should I do something else in the Nether?
What kinda secrets await me here?
Let me know in the comment section below.
Take care now, stay safe,
and I'll see you guys later!
Bye bye!
(upbeat music)
