[ Bagpipes ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
>>Conan O'Brien: Thank you.
Thank you.
And, please, stop doing that.
[ Laughter ]
>>Conan O'Brien: What is your name, sir?
>>> Stephen.
>>Conan O'Brien: Stephen, thank you for playing
music usually reserved for a fireman's funeral.
That's creating a really nice atmosphere for
me right now.
How are you all doing, everybody?
How are you, Google?
[ Cheers and applause ]
>>Conan O'Brien: Who the hell are you?
Welcome to Google.
>>Vic Gundotra: Welcome to Google.
It's very nice that you could be here.
It's exciting.
>>Conan O'Brien: Thank you, thank you.
People are so thrilled to see you.
>>Vic Gundotra: I noticed that.
>>Conan O'Brien: What a rare honor for them
to see you in the flesh.
>>Vic Gundotra: Yes, on behalf of all the
Googlers, let me --
>>Conan O'Brien: You call yourselves Googlers.
>>Vic Gundotra: We do.
Aren't we Googlers?
Googlers, yeah.
[ Applause ]
>>Conan O'Brien: Let's start there.
We can do better than "Googler," okay?
Something cooler, especially for the guys
when they're walking into a bar, you hear
what I'm saying.
I'm a Googler.
[ Laughter ]
>>Conan O'Brien: You don't want to -- like,
I'm a "G" man or something.
[ Laughter ]
>>Conan O'Brien: You've got to get something
else going, because "Googler"!
>>Vic Gundotra: Welcome.
>>Conan O'Brien: We're pretty much done here,
aren't we?
>>Vic Gundotra: We are done.
>>Conan O'Brien: You seem stunned.
>>Vic Gundotra: Yes.
So --
>>Conan O'Brien: But you invited me, and that's
your problem.
>>Vic Gundotra: I did.
So you were at Twitter last week.
>>Conan O'Brien: No.
It was a couple of weeks ago.
Look it up online.
Ha-ha.
[ Applause ]
>>Vic Gundotra: This is harder than it looks.
[ Laughter ]
>>Conan O'Brien: Yes.
I love this format.
What is this format we're doing here?
This is nice.
So --
>>Vic Gundotra: It's kind of like a slow dance.
Exactly.
Like a slow dance.
>>Conan O'Brien: Circling me.
[ Laughter ]
>>Vic Gundotra: It's like a waltz.
Let's see --
>>Conan O'Brien: I'm a Googler.
>>Vic Gundotra: "G" man.
>>Conan O'Brien: "G" man, yes.
So what were you asking me?
You asked me about Twitter.
Yes, I went by Twitter.
Does that bother you guys?
Are you guys mad at Twitter or something?
I don't know what the rivalries are here.
You have to explain it to me.
>>Vic Gundotra: It wasn't a rivalry.
A lot of us were wondering the intentions,
Intel, Twitter, Googler.
Coco, level with me, are you looking for a
job in the Silicon Valley.
Is that what you're doing?
>>Conan O'Brien: I'm looking for free stuff.
>>Vic Gundotra: Free stuff.
You've come to the right place.
You've come to the right place.
Why don't you have a seat.
>>Conan O'Brien: Yes, let's sit in this fake
airport lounge that we've created.
>>Vic Gundotra: Yes.
[ Laughter ]
>>Conan O'Brien: My flight was supposed to
board 20 minutes ago.
Is this complimentary?
>>Vic Gundotra: It is.
>>Conan O'Brien: Then this trip was worth
it.
[ Laughter ]
>>Conan O'Brien: So I'm sure you have many
questions for me.
>>Vic Gundotra: I do.
But don't mind me.
If you feel like dancing, go right for it.
>>Conan O'Brien: Whatever you like.
>>Vic Gundotra: So we have a thing inside
Google called a Dory.
It basically allows -- a Dory, an internal
name: You don't need to know what it is.
[ Laughter ]
.
>>Vic Gundotra: It allows --
>>Conan O'Brien: The most condescending man
I've ever met.
Hey, don't you worry about it.
[ Laughter ]
>>Conan O'Brien: You just relax and let the
search engine do the work.
>>Vic Gundotra: We have 45 minutes.
We're just getting started.
>>Conan O'Brien: I've got nowhere else to
go.
This looks like the club in purple rain.
I like everybody --
[ Laughter ]
>>Conan O'Brien: Are you all -- whoo!
-- dancing?
When Morris day and the time come out.
You kids are young.
You'll figure it out soon.
>>Vic Gundotra: So Googlers, or "G" men --
>>Conan O'Brien: And ladies.
>>Vic Gundotra: -- and ladies, submitted a
bunch of questions.
It's a very Democratic process.
We get to vote on the best questions.
And then I cull them and pick the best one,
so it's quasi Democratic, I guess.
>>Conan O'Brien: It's not Democratic at all.
[ Laughter ]
>>Conan O'Brien: That's like Stalin saying,
"You guys decide amongst yourselves and then
I'll kill all of you."
>>Vic Gundotra: Yeah, I guess you're right.
>>Conan O'Brien: How is that Democratic?
>>Vic Gundotra: You have a point.
>>Conan O'Brien: You have the illusion of
democracy here.
Give them some turquoise girl's bicycles.
[ Laughter. ]
>>Conan O'Brien: Give them some free chai
lattes, and then grind them for all they're
worth.
[ Laughter. ]
>>Conan O'Brien: You're getting nervous, aren't
you?
>>Vic Gundotra: No.
[ Laughter. ]
>>Conan O'Brien: You're wishing I hadn't come.
[ Laughter ]
>>Vic Gundotra: Let's start with the questions.
[ Laughter ]
>>Vic Gundotra: The first one is from a Googler
named "Chirp."
>>Conan O'Brien: Named what?
>>Vic Gundotra: It says "chirp."
I'm sorry. It says "Chip."
>>Conan O'Brien: Why are you running this
thing?
"This first question is from Chirp."
[ Laughter ]
>>Conan O'Brien: Lipslav gibble ja- -- Oh,
I'm sorry. It's upside-down.
You're going to be fine.
Breathe deeply.
We'll get through this.
>>Vic Gundotra: Here's the question: What
lessons and wisdom can you offer those seeking
to grow a beard as luxurious as yours?
>>Conan O'Brien: Shots of testosterone helped
me.
I grew this beard pretty much out of -- it
was a -- a feeling of -- for every day for
17 years, I've had to shave.
And I just -- the first day that I didn't
have "The Tonight Show," I woke up and I thought,
at least I don't have to shave.
And then I went with that.
And it's one of those things where you just
go with the opportunity.
I just stopped shaving.
And then, really, very quickly, 'cause I'm
all man, --
[ Laughter ]
>>Conan O'Brien: -- I had this beard, literally,
within a day, I had this beard.
[ Laughter ]
>>Conan O'Brien: I am very -- I am just all
man is what I am.
>>Vic Gundotra: Good answer.
>>Conan O'Brien: I -- so I say -- but, you
know, you hipsters and hep cats, you -- What
generation is this?
You're not "Y" even.
You're past "Y."
How old are you people?
Are you all in your twenties?
[ Cheers and applause ]
>>Conan O'Brien: So you've, like, never even
heard of the television show "chips."
I'm just running a test.
You don't even know what that was.
You were all born, like, after "the Cosby
show" was off the air.
I'm quickly trying to find out who this audience
is.
All in your twenties.
>>Vic Gundotra: They don't even know what
"The Tonight Show" is.
They watch the YouTube channel, though.
>>Conan O'Brien: That's good.
I like that.
Who needs to know what a "tonight show" is
anymore.
[ Applause ]
>>Conan O'Brien: (Sobbing) it hurts so much.
>>Vic Gundotra: Where are we?
It'll get better.
>>Conan O'Brien: Anyway, yes.
>>Vic Gundotra: This one is from Mike in New
York City.
>>Conan O'Brien: Are you sure?
You want to read that carefully?
It's from Mitchell in --
>>Vic Gundotra: I've heard that Mr. Burns
was your favorite "Simpson" character to write
for.
What is your favorite Mr. Burns quote of all
time, either written by you or someone else?
>>Conan O'Brien: Boy, I don't -- I can't 
-- don't -- there's not one that comes to
mind.
>>Vic Gundotra: You want to make one up?
>>Conan O'Brien: Well, I guess one of my favorite
things that was a repeating joke we did all
the time that always made me laugh was that
Mr. Simpson [sic], even though he had had
hundreds and hundreds of death-defying encounters
with Homer Simpson, never remembers who he
is.
I always love every time Homer is brought
into his office, he's like, "Simpson, eh?"
And could never remember who he was.
My other favorite thing is that we made him
impossibly old.
We always -- there's an episode, I think that
John Swartzwelder wrote, where Mr. Burns wants
to play -- assemble his old -- a baseball
team, and he wants to assemble a baseball
team of ringers.
So he's going and saying, "Get Luke Appleby,
Morris Brisby," all these people who died
in 1905.
And he can't believe they're not alive anymore.
He was just the most fun person to write for,
because he's a comedy writer's fantasy.
There's limitless potential for him because
he has unlimited wealth and he's as old as
time, we can do anything we wanted.
He could have chambers deep down underneath
his house where he would -- he could be asleep
in a hyperbaric chamber when Smithers comes
to get him.
Whatever we thought of, we could make happen.
>>Vic Gundotra: I appreciate your explaining
that to me, because if I had to guess what
a comedy writer's fantasy would be, I would
have gone elsewhere.
But thanks.
Now I understand.
Good character.
Let's go else -- let's -- I've apparently
left you stunned now.
>>Conan O'Brien: Do you interact with this
man on a regular basis?
[ Laughter ]
>>Vic Gundotra: Here's -- I won't even tell
who you this is from, except not from me.
This is from the audience.
Are you interested in working at Google?
You can totally have my job exactly five years
from today.
[ Laughter ]
>>Conan O'Brien: I would take that offer at
this point.
The way things are going, I would take that
offer.
>>Vic Gundotra: All right.
>>Conan O'Brien: This seems to be a growth
industry, so, yes, whoever you are, I'm very
interested.
Do I get to choose my -- can I bring my own
bike here?
Is that possible?
>>Vic Gundotra: Yes.
We would do that.
>>Conan O'Brien: Or choose from one of the
Willy Wonka bikes?
Out in the factory.
No, I think you guys are doing something right
here at Google, and I'm all in!
About stock, how does it work?
[ Laughter ]
>>Vic Gundotra: We can work that out for you.
>>Conan O'Brien: I could get something, I
think.
>>Vic Gundotra: Plus a custom bike.
Somebody taking notes?
Okay, good.
Okay, can you please do a dance for us, the
worm, the sprinkle head at the very least.
>>Conan O'Brien: What the hell is this?
What am I, a -- seriously, what is this?
You guys are so power-mad now at Google.
[ Laughter ]
>>Conan O'Brien: You're such entitled A-holes,
hey, Conan's in the area, make him come by.
Conan, get over here!
Get over here before your show, get over here!
What do you want, you can have one water.
[ Laughter ]
>>Conan O'Brien: We've got a stool for you.
Hey, do a dance!
Dance around a little bit!
Turn around!
Let's see your ass!
[ Applause ]
>>Conan O'Brien: Yeah, that was pretty good.
All right.
Hey, you want my job in five years?
Maybe I'll give it to you, ha-ha-ha.
Get out of here!
Go do your show!
What's happened you to people?
Okay.
So about this dance, what do you want?
[ Laughter ]
>>Conan O'Brien: What's that, you want some
string dance?
>>Vic Gundotra: String --
[ Applause ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
>>Vic Gundotra: How do I do this?
>>Conan O'Brien: Lick your fingers first.
>>Vic Gundotra: I can do that.
>>Conan O'Brien: Okay.
Okay.
And a little right here.
>>> Whoo!
>>Conan O'Brien: Grab the string, right side
first.
Loosen this up.
Loosen that up and then you go like that.
Then you have to cut the string.
Then if you're feeling really crazy, you can
pull up on this one and cut it, pull that
one and cut it.
And just go to town.
>>Vic Gundotra: I like it.
I like it.
[ Applause ]
>>Conan O'Brien: Come on, speed it up, Conan.
I'm late for my hacky sack in the courtyard.
>>Vic Gundotra: This is from George, also
from New York.
Conan, you have the power to change the game
on YouTube.
What are you waiting for?
>>Conan O'Brien: What does he mean, what am
I waiting for?
Like, clarify, please.
>>Vic Gundotra: Unfortunately, George is in
New York.
>>Conan O'Brien: Oh, okay.
I'm not waiting for anything.
I'm going with the flow.
That's what I'm doing right now.
I've been through a transformative event in
the last three and a half months, just really
nice way of saying I got screwed.
[ Laughter ]
>>Conan O'Brien: You have no natural reflex.
[ Laughter ]
>>Vic Gundotra: Yeah, my wife --
>>Conan O'Brien: They built you here, didn't
they?
There's some nerd way in the back, "The program's
faulty."
>>Vic Gundotra: I have to admit --
>>Conan O'Brien: It's not reading correctly.
>>Vic Gundotra: You're pretty impressive to
pick up on that.
My wife didn't realize that until after we
were married.
Okay.
Let's --
[ Laughter ]
>>Conan O'Brien: We've really got to fix this
thing!
>>Vic Gundotra: So what sketch have you always
wanted to do that wasn't safe for network
television?
And will you bring it to life on cable?
>>Conan O'Brien: I -- wow.
Okay.
Well, we've had many thoughts over the years
about things that we weren't sure we could
do.
But I have to say, for the most part, I got
away with murder.
There's this illusion that, oh, you know,
the -- these men in suits restrained and shackled
Conan.
They never really let him grow a beard or
do comedy that was weird.
And the truth is, because for a long time,
for the majority of my career, I was on at
12:35 at night, nobody that I worked for watched
my show.
[ Laughter ]
>>Conan O'Brien: They didn't see it.
And so we just ran with it.
We just -- I mean, I think about all the things
we did over the years that are just completely
absurd, obscene, weird.
They didn't go through any filter whatsoever.
And often, every now and then, they assign
a lawyer to watch the show and give us notes.
And they were constantly missing the incredibly
obscene thing we were doing and giving us
notes about pronunciation of something completely
unrelated or -- and so there's not a lot that
I couldn't do.
I think it's more about the tone.
I think the tone might change a little bit
now.
Because, like I say, I've been through this
event.
And the last three and a half months has been
all improvisation.
The groundswell of Internet support from a
lot of young people that are in this room
completely took my network by surprise.
They don't know what hit them.
They -- I think there's a lot of people in
broadcast television that are very dismissive
or have been very dismissive about the Internet.
And they're also afraid of it.
And they tend to deride what they don't understand.
So when this explosion happened on the Internet,
when they announced that, well, okay, maybe
we're going to slide Conan over to accommodate
this other gentleman who's having his difficulties
in another time period, and I won't get into
specifics, you'll have to look it up.
[ Laughter ]
>>Conan O'Brien: And I said, you know, what,
that doesn't really work for me, I think,
in a fairly polite way.
They -- there was suddenly a huge reaction
from people -- you know, some of the people
in this room, a lot of people like you across
the country said, "Wait a minute, we like
this person, and this person kind of, you
know, is -- we're with him."
And they started reacting on the Internet.
And the first thing that happened at my employers,
they saw this huge explosion on the Internet
and thought that I was doing it.
[ Laughter ]
>>Conan O'Brien: And they really had this
attitude of, "Make him stop."
"Why is he doing this?"
And they didn't understand what was happening.
I think they still don't understand what's
happening.
And my feeling is, what I've learned is, I
had nowhere else to go, so I started on Twitter
because I literally had no other option.
I was -- I was and am legally prohibited from
appearing on television, radio, and doing
performances on the Internet.
So it was just, literally, like a prisoner
in a 14th-century cell writing little things
on a scrap of paper and throwing them out
the window --
[ Laughter. ]
>>Conan O'Brien: -- and hoping a peasant would
go by and, "Hey, what's this?
He's in the tower!"
So I started to do that and send out these
little things.
And it exploded overnight.
And at first, I started to hear a little bit
of stuff from the other side saying, "We're
not sure you should be able to -- allowed
to -- because of the --" and then they realized
the absurdity of shutting down my Twitter
account.
[ Laughter ]
>>Conan O'Brien: So that started with that.
And then I started to think about the tour,
which I'm allowed to do.
And so we started this idea for a tour.
And then what was fascinating is, by the time
we launched the tour, or announced the tour,
I did not do one -- I didn't spend one penny
often advertising.
I sent out one tweet that directed people
to a Web site where you could buy your ticket.
That was it.
And the show sold out in a couple of hours
across the country.
And that's got everybody, a lot of people,
rethinking how things are marketed.
And I -- there's not one billboard.
There's not -- I didn't have to go to one
radio station and sit with morning deejays,
like, and hawk my show.
I didn't have to do any of that.
It was one tweet.
And I think people are starting to understand
that the world has completely changed.
[ Applause ]
>>Conan O'Brien: And, you know, it has.
And it is changing.
[ Applause ]
>>Conan O'Brien: And I think we can do better!
Sorry.
I --
>>Vic Gundotra: That was great.
>>Conan O'Brien: -- forgot I wasn't running
for something.
But -- but I think that's what's -- what 
-- the biggest lesson that I've learned in
the last three and a half months, is just
a good life lesson.
I'm not trying to sound corny or anything,
but these things happen to you, and you think
you've been dealt a terrible hand or had bad
luck.
And when you go with it and start improvising,
suddenly, you realize that you stumble upon
some of the best things that have ever happened
to you.
And what's interesting about Twitter is that
because you're limited to I think it's 140
characters -- someone is going to correct
me right now -- "Not so!"
[ Laughter ]
>>Conan O'Brien: -- you're all going to rush
the stage.
[ Laughter ]
>>Conan O'Brien: Beats the crap out of me.
But because you're limited, it's a great economy-writing
tool.
There's economy of words.
I'm constantly writing things and then I run
them past Big Bley (phonetic), who is taking
the pictures over there, as if he doesn't
have enough photos of me.
But -- He'll say, "Well, that's actually three
words over."
And it forces you to look back at the sentence,
and it's -- it forces you to crystallize your
comedy idea, which is fascinating.
And the other thing is, I've been -- this
whole tour wouldn't have happened.
This tour is a dream come true for me.
I've always wanted to -- it's half rock show,
half comedy show, and then it's this fantasy
to get to do this.
So the last three and a half months have been
the most interesting time in my entire career,
and I wouldn't have traded this for anything
in the world.
And so three and a half months ago, what looked
to everybody like bad luck has become amazingly
good luck.
And I think that is a lot of what we're --
 what relates to everybody here, a lot of
you are in your twenties, and you take for
granted that this is the way the world is
right now.
But from my perspective, it's changed dramatically
in just seven years.
And I don't even know where we're going to
be five years from now.
So I don't know what television's going to
be five years from now.
There's a lot of people who think you're just
going to experience it all through your server.
And people don't even know how the business
is going to change.
There might not be, really, network television
as we know it.
Wouldn't that be sweet!
[ Laughter ]
>>Conan O'Brien: So you know what I mean?
Who knows?
So, you know -- seize the day, carpe diem.
I hate it when people say that.
I just wanted to work it in.
I'm going to keep talking to you.
Ask another question.
>>Vic Gundotra: I think your point about,
you know, with "The Tonight Show" fiasco,
ended up one of the best things you could
ever imagine happening to you.
Look, you're here, taking questions from me.
>>Conan O'Brien: Again, incredible arrogance
from you people.
Incredible arrogance to say that, yes, you're
right, this is the best thing that ever happened
to you.
>>Vic Gundotra: Yes.
>>Conan O'Brien: 'Cause you made it to Google
with us Googlers.
>>Vic Gundotra: "G" men.
Jay Leno has a big chin, you have a giant
head --
>>Conan O'Brien: Ha-h -- can't talk about
that other guy.
>>Vic Gundotra: Has a big chin.
You have --
>>Conan O'Brien: Legal restraints, legal restraints.
"Hey, why can't you"
"I didn't do anything. I did as I was told."
[ Applause ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
>>Vic Gundotra: Thank you.
So this other guy --
>>Conan O'Brien: That's my impression of Rapper
Ludicrous.
[ Laughter ]
>>Conan O'Brien: We all on the same page on
this?
That's my ludicrous impression.
Check out my new outfit, May 5th.
Rapper Ludicrous.
Later, in court, "Yes, Your Honor, that is
ludicrous."
You okay?
How are you doing?
I worry about you.
>>Vic Gundotra: I'm doing well.
Any of you want to ask questions, there's
mikes.
So --
>>Conan O'Brien: What's the point of this
then?
>>Vic Gundotra: Well --
>>Conan O'Brien: Once again, I don't understand
what's happening here.
I have some prepared questions from people
who have been preselected.
But if anyone wants to shout something out
at random, go ahead.
>>Vic Gundotra: That's right.
>>Conan O'Brien: You've taken the initiative.
Yes.
>>> Pleased -- whoa, that's loud.
It's been a lifelong dream of mine to touch
your hair.
So --
[ Cheers and applause ]
>>Vic Gundotra: Yeah, about you working here.
>>Conan O'Brien: I solved that problem.
[ Laughter ]
>>Vic Gundotra: Guys, no more touching questions,
please.
>>Conan O'Brien: What are you talking about?
Yes!
Let's touch it up.
You know, I'm sorry, I feel really crass.
I don't even know your name.
[ Laughter ]
Can I just know your name?
Because later on, my wife's going to be, what
happened?
I don't know.
I don't even know her name.
What did you do?
We rubbed our heads together.
What is your name?
>>> My name's Kelly.
>>Conan O'Brien: Hi, Kelly.
We should have done this before we rubbed
up against each other.
[ Laughter ]
>>Vic Gundotra: Yes, there are more.
>>Conan O'Brien: This guy over here.
>>> You chose Reggie Watts for your opener,
who we actually had the pleasure of hosting
about a week ago.
Probably the strangest comedian I've ever
seen.
Can you talk about your choice of him and
why you thought he would be great for your
tour.
>>Conan O'Brien: Someone explained to me 
-- I have never done a tour before.
Someone said, "Well, would you want to have
an opening act?"
And I said, "Yeah, it's probably a good idea
to have someone go out and entertain the crowd."
But this is going to be kind of an unusual
show, and if anyone's seen it or is going
to see it, it's not -- you know, it's not
just a standup show where I come out and hold
a mike and talk for an hour and 40 minutes.
It's also not just a music show.
There's a lot of different things, different
components to the show.
And I've got a sort of a distinctive or weird
brand of comedy.
And so we were talking, and someone at the
company that helped set up the tour said,
"You know, your opening act can really help
kind of brand your tour or help brand your
tour.
So if you want to send a certain message about
your tour, your opening act can help.
And you certainly don't want an opening act
that's completely -- if Wayne Newton, no offense
to Wayne Newton, but if he opened my show
with "Danke Schoen," and that -- it would
be awesome!
But he was unavailable.
[ Laughter ]
>>Conan O'Brien: We were talking, and I have
some really smart, funny writers, and someone
just -- we were chatting about it.
And I said, "If anyone has any ideas."
And someone said, "Reggie Watts."
And then it was like one of those things,
it's like throwing a ping-pong ball into a
room of mouse traps, like people just were
like, "Yes, Reggie Watts," "Reggie Watts,"
"Reggie Watts," "Reggie Watts."
They kept saying it.
And I wasn't familiar with Reggie.
So I went right to the Internet -- you'll
see. I'll tell you about it -- and started
looking at him.
And he has a really great, creative, unusual
act.
He's amazingly talented.
And he just seemed perfect right away.
Our big fear was, is he available, because
he's very much in demand.
He had some other commitments, but he was
really into doing this and moved his schedule
around.
And it's been a great fit, because I think
people -- the other thing I want to do with
this tour is open up people's minds a little
bit in a way so that there are people who
have preconceived ideas about what I do, and
then they see some of the things we're doing
in the show and they see some of the things
that are happening, and I think it will --
 I mean, we have some older people that are
coming to the show that think, well, I'm going
to see a guy come out and talk about his experience
at "The Tonight Show."
And then they see all the elements we have
in the show and the kind of performance level
there is, and people like Reggie Watts come
out and I think maybe open them up to new
ideas about what comedy is, because he integrates
music, hip-hop, comedy, and creates this,
I think, amazing performance.
He really gets the crowd going before I even
set foot on stage.
>>Vic Gundotra: Cool.
>>Conan O'Brien: Okay.
You're fired.
[ Laughter ]
>>Conan O'Brien: You really want to ask this
question now?
Because he just lost his job.
>>> Yeah, yeah.
I actually have two questions.
>>Conan O'Brien: Nope!
You have to combine them into one question.
>>> Okay.
I'll try my best.
>>Conan O'Brien: No.
You'll do better than that.
[ Laughter ]
>>> So one of my favorite things --
>>Conan O'Brien: This isn't Yahoo!, you know.
We expect the best.
Ha-ha-ha.
>>Vic Gundotra: No reflexes, remember?
>>> So one of my favorite things about the
return, or, rather, you taking over "The Tonight
Show" was the return of Andy.
I was wondering if you could talk --
>>Conan O'Brien: Why don't we have Andy talk
about Andy.
He's here.
Andy Richter.
[ Applause ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
>>> Andy Richter: Hello.
It's about time!
Right there.
>>Vic Gundotra: You know what, you can have
this water.
>>Andy Richter: Okay.
No, I don't want any water.
Kirkland?
>>Conan O'Brien: What is Kirkland water?
>>Andy Richter: It's Costco water.
[ Laughter ]
>>Andy Richter: I'm sorry, Mr. O'Brien.
You're drinking Costco water.
>>Conan O'Brien: This is ridiculous.
>>Andy Richter: I know.
>>Conan O'Brien: Did you see they made me
dance?
>>Andy Richter: I saw it.
>>Conan O'Brien: Then a woman made me run
up against her head.
>>Andy Richter: I know.
That's why I was standing by the door.
I was so -- I was humiliated for you.
No, I actually was just back, standing outside
the bathroom, because I think your assistant
is in there front-cleansing.
[ Laughter ]
>>Andy Richter: Our tour manager, our tour
manager said, "You've got to check out the
Japanese toilets."
So I just was in the bathroom to look, 'cause
I've seen them before, and they -- there's
buttons on the wall, "front cleansing," "rear
cleansing."
[ Laughter ]
>>Conan O'Brien: What is -- I've never heard
of this before.
>>Andy Richter: It's like a little bidet.
>>Conan O'Brien: I understand that part.
I don't understand, why do they have this
at Google?
Why am I asking you?
"Cleansing is necessary.
All Googlers must front-cleanse."
>>Andy Richter: I hope you enjoyed Twitter
 -- those Twitterers' filthy asses.
>>Conan O'Brien: I did.
>>Andy Richter: I want to see it say "filthy
asses."
Look, it does!
[ Applause ]
>>Conan O'Brien: What a great -- Turn this
up.
Turn -- Put this mike up a little bit.
It's getting low.
I just -- I love that that's what we're using
the technology for.
You know.
>>Andy Richter: So I was in the bathroom,
and I hear -- I think it was your Sonne (phonetic),
assistant screaming in the women's room.
>>Conan O'Brien: There she is.
There she is!
>>> Are you front-cleansed?
[ Laughter ]
>>Conan O'Brien: This is either the best or
worst thing that's ever happened at Google.
It's not anything in between.
>>> Wait.
>>Conan O'Brien: More questions.
>>> This is perfect for my follow-up question.
Here at Google, we're interested in seeing
what the next big thing is, a little insight
into the future.
I was curious if you could give us some insights
into the year 2000.
[ Applause ]
>>Conan O'Brien: The future Conan?
>>> There's always cue cards for that, though.
You think --
>>Conan O'Brien: You think we're spontaneously
funny?
>>> No way.
>>Conan O'Brien: "Google merged with Blabble
and form Gibble Gabble."
"In the year 2000."
Yeah, we -- I was once -- I was on an airplane
once, and the plane was taxiing for the takeoff.
It was a commercial flight, back in the day,
just kidding -- I fly commercial.
But, anyway, -- not like the rest of you,
who have your jet packs.
But I was on this commercial flight, and I
hear the guy, the pilot, is just, like, getting
ready to take off.
And he went, "We're all ready to take off,
and I understand there's someone here on the
plane, a very special person who can tell
us a little bit about" -- and then he went,
"In the year 2000."
And then started to, like, put the engine
into overdrive to take off.
And I lost complete confidence in the pilot.
[ Laughter ]
>>Conan O'Brien: At this crucial moment.
He's, like, making his jokes, "In the year
two -- shit, I didn't check the altimeter."
[ Laughter ]
>>Conan O'Brien: Then later, they check the
black box, and it's my fault, you know.
But, anyway, to answer your question, Andy
was in Los Angeles, and I called him up when
I had the chance -- and I said, Andy, you
have to come on board, because "The Tonight
Show," it's a franchise, no "The Tonight Show"
show has ever been sacked.
It's a sure thing.
[ Laughter ]
>>Conan O'Brien: Drop what you're doing and
come with me.
>>Andy Richter: I said, I'm now a tenured
professor in show business.
>>Conan O'Brien: Yes.
>>Andy Richter: No way they can fire me.
>>Conan O'Brien: Yeah.
And you went out and bought a theme restaurant.
>>Andy Richter: That's right.
And it was -- it was all the skipper from
"Gilligan's Island."
It was all -- That was the theme.
>>Conan O'Brien: Yeah.
And now you're impoverished, and here we are.
But the important thing is, we stuck together.
And now what it's really -- that's what it's
about, kids, you have a friend, stick by him,
and he'll stick by you.
>>> Even though I did leave you back in the
nineties.
>>Conan O'Brien: To go hang with Pat Sajak.
>>Andy Richter: As it was once written, I
was seeking prime-time stardom.
That was what was written about me.
And I was, like -- I don't remember ever thinking,
"Sorry, Conan, I'm going to go seek prime-time
stardom."
>>Conan O'Brien: You did say that to me, and
then jumped out the window.
>>Andy Richter: Yep.
I was taking a lot of pills in those days.
>>Conan O'Brien: This gentleman right here,
how can I help you?
>>> Gentlemen, we miss you.
>>Andy Richter: We're right here.
Like my mom, she cries two days before she
has to leave because she has to leave in two
days.
>>> There's something important I want to
point out.
It is Cinco de Mayo.
So where are Noches De Pasion?
>>Conan O'Brien: I look forward to the return
of Conando.
I don't know what the deal is, actually.
I'll be honest with you, it's legally unclear
what can come with us to TBS and what can't
because of certain intellectual property issues
that we address in the -- in the live show.
But I think there's no holding Conando back.
I've been walking around Los Angeles, and
I've had many, you know, people come up to
me and just, like, oh, Conando.
>>Andy Richter: That's how you're known.
[ Laughter ]
>>Conan O'Brien: Yeah, and I speak enough
Spanish to be able to say, "Si."
>>Andy Richter: And he always keeps a fake
mustache in his pocket.
>>Conan O'Brien: Yes, I glue it on, which
looks really funny over the red beard.
I love Conando.
He's a lot of fun.
My favorite part is Andy's cameo.
He's always in a humiliating outfit.
>>Andy Richter: Yep.
I think I was going to be a -- no, I -- or
was I an actual taco?
>>Conan O'Brien: That's just a dream you had.
[ Laughter ]
>>Andy Richter: No.
Because it was always, like, are you going
to be like in a Carmen Miranda outfit, are
you going to be dressed as a giant -- I can't
think of the word -- those things you shake,
maraca.
>>Conan O'Brien: There are a lot of things
you shake.
>>> In the Conando world.
>>> Thank you very much.
>>Conan O'Brien: Thank you for bowing to us.
>>> Little tip for you all, might want to
bow.
>>Conan O'Brien: I bow to you as well.
Hello.
How are you?
>>> I'm good.
Thanks.
>>Conan O'Brien: Okay.
>>> Okay.
This is going to be really bizarre, and I
acknowledge that I probably won't be able
to look anybody in the eye after asking this.
But I was wondering if you could settle a
long argument with my friends.
So one of my friends from school did dorm
crew, and he was cleaning out what he thought
used to be one of your rooms, and he found
a big ball of hair that he thinks was yours.
[ Laughter ]
>>Conan O'Brien: Wait.
Okay.
Will you --
[ Laughter ]
>>> So --
[ Laughter ]
>>Conan O'Brien: You've got to be a little
more specific.
Let's get really specific here.
What year was this and what college?
>>> Well, this was, like, three years ago.
>>Conan O'Brien: So -- 'cause I hate to shatter
any illusions --
[ Laughter ]
>>Conan O'Brien: -- you have about my age,
but I graduated from college in 1985.
>>> No, I know.
This is --
>>Conan O'Brien: So this person thinks that
I made a giant ball of hair --
>>> Yes!
>>Conan O'Brien: -- and spun it and then left
it in the Holworthy dorm at Harvard?
>>> This is what I'm saying.
It doesn't make any sense.
>>Conan O'Brien: And then put it -- and everyone
was so horrified by it that from 1985 until
three years ago, no one went near it, and
then your friend found it and did a DNA test.
>>> I know.
His name is Jim.
>>Conan O'Brien: Oh, Jim.
Yes, yes!
That's all I needed.
No, I grew a giant ball of hair for Jim.
And left it for him to find at the Holworthy
dorm.
Just next time say Jim.
That's all you had to do.
I've heard -- one of the things I'll tell
you, you've probably experienced this, too,
Andy, is what happens when you become a known
person is you start hearing all these things
back about yourself that are complete madness.
[ Laughter ]
>>Conan O'Brien: I went to my -- one of my
high school reunions, and people were coming
up to me and saying things that were just
completely untrue.
And this one guy -- about our past.
This one guy came up to me, and just so you
know, I'll never -- I'll have like a glass
of wine or two or three now, but I'm not a
drinker.
And I never drank at all when I was young
or in college, ever.
And this guy came up to me, and he said, "Hey,
Conan, remember the time you and I broke into
that liquor store late at night?"
And I said, "No, no, no."
And he went, "Come on, we broke into the liquor
store and we grabbed all that booze, and then
the cops showed up, and we ran up that hill,
and you were, like, 'I'm get fucking out of
here,' and you took the booze, and then later,
you drank all the booze, and I didn't get
any of it, you asshole, you."
And I said, "That didn't really happen."
"Okay. I get it. Big star now.
I get it. I get it."
Now, in his mind, that really happened.
And I've never committed a crime in my life.
I am Richie Cunningham to the tenth power.
I've never -- And so I have had many things
come back to me where people -- I had a Realtor
once say, you know, he's showing me, like,
an apartment that I was going to rent.
And he was, like, just so you know there are
no hard feelings, I married your old girlfriend.
And I said, oh, really?
And I haven't -- it's not like -- I hate to
disillusion people, I haven't had that many
girlfriends in my life, I said, really, was
it blah, blah, blah?
And he said, no, come on, Stacey.
And he told me her full name.
Never heard of this person before in my life.
He said, come on, I know you two went out
for a year and a half.
But he said, it's okay.
I'm cool with it.
So what happens is I've --
>>> That's what really drew him to her, too.
>>Conan O'Brien: I know.
>>> Is getting your sloppy seconds.
>>Conan O'Brien: Yeah, I know.
And then he was like, she had Conan.
She has the ball of hair.
[ Laughter ]
>>Conan O'Brien: Damn!
You got me.
But the truth is that you've had this, too,
like, people just come up and they say --
 and 95% of what I hear is madness.
Really, just madness, like, hey, a friend
of mine saw you kick a guy to death in Hong
Kong.
[ Laughter ]
>>Conan O'Brien: And I've learned to just,
instead of fighting them, I just go, yeah,
well, that Dick had it coming, you know, like,
go with it.
Go with it.
So, yes, say hi to Jim and sell that hair
ball on eBay.
Yes.
>>> Okay, thanks.
>>> Conan, last year, you were at the International
Science and Engineering Fair.
>>Conan O'Brien: Yes, I was.
>>> In Reno.
And this year, it's next week, it's in San
Jose, and Google is the premier sponsor.
If we promise you some swag, will you come
again?
>>Conan O'Brien: I would love to come.
I had a blast last year.
I -- and she shot a remote for "The Tonight
Show" when I went and talked to all the kids.
And I absolutely loved it.
The tour is going to prohibit us from doing
it just because I am hitting -- I was in Reno
last night.
We're here today.
We're in -- I don't even know -- am I in Sacramento
tomorrow?
>>> Sacramento tomorrow.
>>Conan O'Brien: Sacramento tomorrow.
It's just, we go, go, go, go.
We're in a different city all the time.
So I probably won't be able to do it.
But I absolutely loved it.
And the -- the exhibits ranged from just amazing,
it gave you hope for our country.
These kids are so smart, and they have these
incredible projects.
Then there's every now and then you'd find
a project which was just such bullshit.
[ Laughter ]
I'm not being mean, but every now -- most
of them are amazing.
Then there would be a guy who had, like, a
potato with tooth picks in it and, like, a
sprout growing out the bottom.
And he'd say, "It's a potato with water on
it."
And you know that he just did this to get
the hell out of his town and get to Reno.
And his exhibit's next to a guy who's, like,
I split the hydrogen atom.
Using a sneaker in my basement.
And you're, like, "Oh, my God."
Yes.
>>> Andy, Conan, great to have you guys here.
I just want to say, Andy, your shoes are awesome,
by the way.
>>Andy Richter: Oh, thank you.
I designed them myself.
Although some dick at the gym said, "What
are those, Nobi shoes?"
But, no.
>>Conan O'Brien: I just meant it as a joke.
>>Andy Richter: They're super awesome shoes
is what they are.
>>> They are.
So, Conan, I was curious, do you have any
thoughts on working with the comic geniuses
Terrance and Phillip in the "South Park" movie.
What was that like?
>>Conan O'Brien: It was so funny, because
I found out later on that I was in the "South
Park" movie.
I remember exactly -- this is just what my
life is like.
My girlfriend at the time, Stacey, whatever
 --
[ Laughter ]
>>Conan O'Brien: Okay.
I hit that, you know.
[ Laughter ]
>>Conan O'Brien: But -- such an ass.
My girlfriend at the time and I --
Look, there's this big screen that says, "You
have five minutes to go."
Why?
Why can't we stay as long as we want?
Why?
>>Conan O'Brien: You have some --
>>Andy Richter: We'll be taken to the vaporization
chamber and head on to the next level.
>>Conan O'Brien: "That is all that's acceptable."
[ Laughter ]
>>Conan O'Brien: We --
>>Andy Richter: So you didn't know you were
in the --
>>Conan O'Brien: What happened is, I remember
exactly what happened, which is, I had one
of my rare vacations, which I never get, and
I went to Maine with my girlfriend at the
time.
And it's this beautiful place that's on a
lake, and you go and get breakfast in the
morning and coffee, and someone had a -- 
and they, like, put down a "U.S.A. Today"
next to you.
And I'm sitting there drinking this coffee,
and I open up the "U.S.A. Today," and it's
a review of the "South Park" movie, and it's
saying it's really funny.
And it has a box, which is the list of who
plays who.
And it has all the different names of people,
then it says, "Conan O'Brien is played by."
And my jaw just dropped.
And I said, "There's this movie opening, and
I'm in it, and they got the" -- fortunately,
it was really funny.
Actually, we're both in it.
It's this funny thing where they come on the
show to talk to us, and then I end up committing
suicide.
But it was really --
[ Laughter ]
>>Conan O'Brien: Happens a lot when I'm animated.
But it was really funny, and I loved it.
And I got to know those guys later on.
And they said, "We're really sorry about your
voice in that movie."
And I said, what.
They said the guy who played Data on that
"Star Trek," whoever that guys is, he convinced
them, "I do the most amazing Conan O'Brien."
And they're like, "Cool.
Okay.
Great."
And that's why -- one of the reasons they
worked me in, is 'cause he convinced them
that he did a drop-dead perfect Conan O'Brien.
And then he got into the booth and he was
like, "Your next question!"
And Matt and Trey are like, "Look at that."
But it was too late.
So --
[ Laughter ]
>>Andy Richter: Well, I liked that they were,
like, "Well, there's nothing that can be done
about it."
>>Conan O'Brien: Yeah, I know.
[ Laughter ]
>>Conan O'Brien: But I -- once --
>>Andy Richter: "It's been recorded."
>>Conan O'Brien: Once you know Matt and Trey,
you know they were probably, "Whatever, good
enough."
But, yeah, I love those guys.
Actually, "Team America" is one of my favorite
movies of all time.
It makes me relentlessly -- I just cry, I'm
laughing so hard.
>>> Best fight scenes, best sex scenes.
>>Conan O'Brien: Yes.
>>> I was hoping both of you could tell us
the weirdest thing that's happened to you
on the live tour.
>>Conan O'Brien: There's been a lot of weird
stuff.
>>> No, I can't -- you know.
I stay in my room a lot.
>>Conan O'Brien: I think maybe for me the
weirdest thing is, just before I went out
and did a show in San Francisco, someone leaned
exposure said, "Hey, Neil Young's in the audience."
And I play guitar in this show.
And so I don't get nervous a lot.
I've been doing this a long time.
But I suddenly realized that I'm going to
be playing rock guitar in front of Neil Young.
And I was horrified.
And then there's a part of the show where
I take a guitar solo and just before I take
it, I see it was one of those accidents, but
I see, like, a shaft of light hitting Neil
Young's face.
[ Laughter ]
>>Conan O'Brien: You know, looking up at me.
And I don't know what the equivalent is, writing
code in front of Bill Gates or something.
[ Laughter ]
>>> No way.
>>Conan O'Brien: See, I know what's going
on.
>>Vic Gundotra: Conan, we're going to have
to cut this short.
>>Conan O'Brien: You don't have to do anything.
These people don't have to work today.
You all have to go home!
[ Applause ]
>>Conan O'Brien: You've done more than enough
for this company!
Are they writing that part?
In fact, you should all participate in a profit-sharing
plan with Google.
Yes!
[ Applause ]
>>Vic Gundotra: Guys, we appreciate --
>>Conan O'Brien: I like it says "applause."
[ Cheers and applause ]
>>Conan O'Brien: Hey, just a quick note, this
was really fun, and we get asked to do a lot
of things, and we don't really have time to
do a lot of things.
But getting in front of young people who are
really smart and sort of making the future
happen, that's thrilling for us.
So thanks for having us here.
Thank you very much.
[ Cheers and applause ]
