>> Jimmy: HOW ARE YOU?
>> GREAT.
>> Jimmy: IT'S AN HONOR TO HAVE 
YOU HERE.
AND I'M WONDERING WHAT GOES 
THROUGH YOUR MIND WHEN YOU COME 
INTO THIS NEIGHBORHOOD, WHERE 
YOU HOSTED THE OSCARS SO MANY 
TIMES.
>> YEAH.
>> Jimmy: AND YOU SEE THE STREET
CLOSED DOWN AND YOU'RE 
MANEUVERING TO GET AROUND, WHAT 
DO YOU THINK OF?
>> HOW TO USE WAZE.
>> Jimmy: VERY PRACTICAL.
>> WE'VE HOSTED BETWEEN THE TWO 
OF US, 11 TIMES.
AND THIS YEAR IS ANOTHER NO-HOST
SHOW.
>> Jimmy: NO HOST.
>> WHICH IS LIKE HAVING A TRIAL 
WITHOUT WITNESSES.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: WHO'D EVER HAVE THAT?
NEVER HEARD OF SUCH A THING.
>> MOVES FASTER BUT NOT QUITE 
THE RESULT THAT YOU WANT.
YEAH.
YEAH.
>> Jimmy: DO YOU THINK THAT A 
HOST IS IMPORTANT TO THE SNHOW?
>> YEAH!
DON'T YOU THINK SO?
>> Jimmy: IT SEEMS LIKE IT.
>> IT'S THE TRADITION OF IT.
WHEN WE DID IT, YOU KNOW, I 
ALWAYS FELT I WAS IN A LINE OF 
JOHNNY AND BOB HOPE.
>> Jimmy: I FELT THE SAME WAY 
ABOUT YOU.
>> THANK YOU.
>> Jimmy: IT'S TRUE.
>> BUT I, I ALWAYS LOVED BEING 
OUT THERE.
I LOVED THE, I GUESS THE TRUST, 
YOU KNOW, THAT THE MOVIE ACADEMY
HAD IN ME TO GET ME OUT THERE.
AND I FELT LIKE IT WAS A GREAT 
HONOR TO DO IT.
AND I THINK THAT WHEN YOU HAVE A
SHOW THAT'S AS LONG AS IT IS.
>> Jimmy: MM-HM.
>> THINGS ARE GOING TO HAPPEN.
AND I THINK THE PROBLEM WITH THE
NO-HOST THING PERHAPS IS THAT 
THERE'S NOT SOMEBODY OUT THERE 
TO CAPITALIZE ON THAT MOMENT.
LIKE YOU HAD WHEN THE WRONG BEST
PICTURE WAS NOMINATED.
>> Jimmy: THAT SHOULD STILL BE 
ON RIGHT NOW.
>> YEAH, IF THERE'S NOBODY 
THERE.
FOR ME, I HAD, SOME OF MY BEST 
MOMENTS WERE WHEN SOMETHING WENT
WRONG.
>> Jimmy: WHAT IS SOMETHING THAT
STICKS IN YOUR MIND ABOUT 
SOMETHING THAT WENT WRONG?
>> I HAD TO INTRODUCE A 100-YEAR
OLD GIANT IN THE MOVIE INDUSTRY 
NAMED HAL ROACH.
HE CREATED "OUR GANG" COMEDIES, 
"LAUREL & HARDY".
AND HE WAS 100 YEARS OLD, AND I 
WAS SUPPOSED TO INTRODUCE HIM.
HE WAS SITTING RIGHT IN THE 
SECOND ROW.
AND HE WAS JUST SUPPOSED TO WAVE
ON THE OCCASION OF HIS 100TH 
BIRTHDAY.
JUST STAND UP IF HE COULD, WHICH
HE DID.
AND JUST WAVE.
SO I SAID PROPER INTRODUCTION, 
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, 100 YEAR 
OLD GIANT OF THE MOVIE INDUSTRY,
WE ALL OWE HIM A DEBT OF THANKS,
THE ONE AND ONLY MR. HAL ROACH.
HE STANDS UP.
AND HE WAVES, AND HE HAS NO MIC.
AND THEN HE BEGINS TO TALK.
AND IT SOUNDED LIKE THIS TO 
EVERYBODY IN, WE WERE AT THE 
SHRINE, GOING THANK YOU VERY 
MUCH, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I 
JUST WANT TO SAY THE DAYS BACK 
IN CULVER CITY, WHEN I HAD MR. 
LAUREL, AND MR. HARDY, BACK, AND
WE WOULD RIDE DOWN THE BOULEVARD
AND MAKE MOVIES, AND THAT WAS A 
BEAUTIFUL THING.
IN 1935, I MET CHARLIE CHAPLIN 
FOR THE FIRST TIME.
AND WE HIT IT OFF, AND I SAID, 
WHY DON'T WE DO, AND THAT'S HOW 
FEATURE COMEDIES STARTED.
THEN CAME THE WAR.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> AND HE'S GOING ON AND ON, AND
HE'S GOT NO MIC.
AND SITTING IN THE FRONT ROW IS 
OUR FRIEND WARREN BEATTY, AND 
HE'S SITTING THERE GOING, AND 
THE CYCLOPS IS ON YOU, THE 
CAMERA'S ON YOU WITH THE RED 
LIGHT.
AND LINES NOW ARE FLYING THROUGH
YOUR HEAD, SAY THAT IS C, DON'T 
THAT.
THEN ONE HIT LIKE A SLOT MACHINE
IN VEGAS, AND I SAID IT'S VERY 
FITTING, BECAUSE HE GOT HIS 
START IN SILENT FILMS.
[ APPLAUSE ]
>> Jimmy: THERE YOU GO.
>> IT WAS ONE OF THOSE MOMENTS.
YOU PAT YOURSELF ON THE BACK.
>> Jimmy: YES, BECAUSE, YOU 
CANNOT PREPARE FOR THAT.
THAT'S JUST YOU AND YOU'RE OUT 
THERE.
I HOPE THAT HAPPENS AGAIN THIS 
WEEKEND.
>> YEAH.
I HOPE, I HOPE THEY GET THE 
RIGHT PEOPLE OUT THERE IN CASE 
SOMETHING -- 
>> Jimmy: I HOPE THEY DON'T.
I HOPE IT'S A DISASTER.
>> OKAY.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: WE HAVE TO STICK 
TOGETHER, KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
THESE JOBS ARE VERY FEW.
HOW'S YOUR WIFE JANICE DOING?
>> SHE'S GREAT.
SHE'S HERE.
>> Jimmy: OH, GOOD, SHE CAME 
ALONG?
THINGS ARE GOOD, THINGS ARE ALL 
RIGHT?
>> WE STILL ARE TOGETHER.
FOLKS, MY PROUDEST 
ACCOMPLISHMENT, WE WILL BE 
MARRIED 50 YEARS.
>> Jimmy: WOW.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO?
>> I WAS 7.
SHE WAS 6.
IT WAS AN ORTHODOX, YOU SEE THE 
THING, WE HADN'T EVEN MET.
BUT WE'RE IN THE MIDDLE OF A 
VERY ODD THING THAT HAPPENED TO 
US ABOUT SIX DAYS AGO.
>> Jimmy: OKAY.
>> ALL RIGHT.
IT'S 3:00 IN THE MORNING.
AND WE DON'T KNOW IT, BUT 
OUTSIDE, A SKUNK HAS SPRAYED OUR
AIR CONDITIONING UNITS.
>> Jimmy: RIGHT.
>> SO, YOU KNOW WHERE THIS IS 
GOING.
SO THE HOUSE, WE BOTH WAKE UP 
WITH THIS INCREDIBLY FOUL SMELL,
MY EYES WATERING, SHE LOOKS AT 
ME, AND SHE SAYS "WHAT THE HELL 
DID YOU EAT"?
I SAID THAT'S NOT ME.
WE'RE MARRIED 49 YEARS, SHE SAYS
"THAT IS YOU"!
SO IT'S A HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE, 
HORRIBLE SMELL.
SO THE NEXT DAY WE CALL THE AIR 
CONDITIONING GUY.
TO CHECK OUT HOW DO YOU CLEAN 
THIS UNIT.
AND HE SAYS YOU GOT A BIGGER 
PROBLEM THAN SKUNKS.
I SAID WHAT?
HE SAYS LOOK AT THOSE PAW 
PRINTS.
DO YOU HAVE A DOG?
I SAID NO.
HE SAYS THAT'S A MOUNTAIN LION.
MOUNTAIN LION.
AND THERE'S LITTLE TUFTS OF FUR 
AROUND.
I SAID, DID HE SCARE THE SKUNK 
AND I SPRAYED?
NO, HE ATE THE SKUNK.
DO YOU IMAGINE HOW BAD THAT GAS 
WILL BE?
>> Jimmy: REAL HUNGRY.
>> SO SORRY I HAD THAT SKUNK.
LET ME SQUAT IN SOME TOMATO 
JUICE AND GET RID OF THIS.
SO NOW WE GOT THIS POTENTIAL, 
YOU KNOW, MOUNTAIN LION.
AND, YOU KNOW, TERRORIZING THE 
NEIGHBORHOOD.
AND WE'RE TERRIFIED.
SO WE GET THESE CAMERAS THAT ARE
NIGHT VISION CAMERAS THAT ARE 
MOTION CONTROLLED SO IF ANYTHING
WALKS IN FRONT OF THEM IT TAKES 
A PICTURE.
>> Jimmy: MM-HM.
>> TWO NIGHTS AGO, YOU WANT TO 
TAKE SEE A PICTURE OF A MOUNTAIN
LION?
TAKE A LOOK AT THIS GUY.
IS AND HE'S WEARING A MAGA HAT.
>> Jimmy: OH, MY GOSH.
>> NOW HE'S GOT TWO STRIKES 
AGAINST HIM.
>> Jimmy: THIS REALLY IS A 
MOUNTAIN LION.
>> YEAH.
YEAH.
>> Jimmy: YOU NEED TO MOVE!
THERE'S NO, WHAT ARE YOU GOING 
TO DO?
>> JANICE SAYS LET'S GET A DOG.
SAID YOU KNOW WHAT A DOG IS TO A
MOUNTAIN LION?
AN APPETIZER.
>> Jimmy: A DOG IS NOT 
REQUESTIGOING TO 
HELP YOU.
>> LISTEN, I LIKE DOGS, I HAD A 
DOG AS A KID.
BUT AT THIS POINT IN MY LIFE, I 
TRAVEL A LOT.
IF I'M HOME AT NIGHT LATE AT 
NIGHT, AND SOMEBODY'S GOING -- I
WANT IT TO BE MY WIFE!
[ APPLAUSE ]
HAVE YOU EVER SEEN, HAVE YOU 
EVER SEEN ANYBODY LOOK HAPPY 
WHEN THEY'RE WALKING A DOG?
>> Jimmy: NO.
>> THEY DON'T!
THEY DON'T, THEY LOOK MISERABLE.
THEY'RE WAITING FOR THIS THING 
TO CARPET BOMB.
AND, YOU KNOW, AND YOU COULD BE,
I DON'T CARE.
DOESN'T MATTER HOW POWERFUL YOU 
ARE, HOW MUCH MONEY, YOU COULD 
BE A LAWYER, THE HEAD OF A 
COMPANY.
YOU COULD BE THE QUEEN.
WHEN YOU'RE WAITING FOR A DOG TO
DO THAT, YOU'RE WORKING FOR THE 
DOG.
>> Jimmy: 100%.
>> YOU COULD BE THE POPE, BUT 
YOU'RE STILL A DOPE WITH A 
PLASTIC BAG ON YOUR HAND WAITING
TO PICK UP POOP!
THAT'S WHAT IT IS.
WE WERE AT THE WHITE HOUSE IN 
2001.
>> Jimmy: OKAY.
>> PRESIDENT BUSH.
>> Jimmy: RIGHT.
>> WE SCREENING A MOVIE I 
DIRECTED CALLED "61."
AND IT WAS REALLY EXCITING, I 
HAVE TO SAY.
AT THE END EVER THE MOVIE, 
PRESIDENT BUSH SAID GOODNIGHT.
HE GOES UPSTAIRS TO THE 
RESIDENCE AND THEY TOOK US ON A 
TOUR OF THE WEST WING.
NOW IT'S ABOUT 10:30 AT NIGHT, 
WE'RE LEAVING AND PRESIDENT BUSH
IS COMING DOWN FROM THE PRIVATE 
QUARTERS, AND HE LOOKS LIKE ANY,
OH, MIDDLE-AGED FATHER WHO JUST 
PUT IN A HARD DAY OF SCREWING UP
THE ECONOMY.
[ LAUGHTER ]
AND SENDING US INTO A WAR WE 
SHOULD NEVER HAVE BEEN IN.
YOU KNOW, JUST A DAY.
AND HE'S GOT HIS SLEEVES ROLLED 
UP, AND HE LOOKED TIRED, BUT HE 
WAS ACTUALLY A FUN GUY, 
FORGETTING POLITICS.
AND HE'S WALKING TWO DOGS, AND 
HE'S GOT A PLASTIC BAG IN HIS 
HAND.
AND I'M THINKING, THIS IS THE 
MOST POWERFUL GUY IN THE WORLD, 
AND'S GOING TO PICK UP POOP.
AND THEN LATER I FOUND OUT THEY 
WERE DICK CHENEY'S DOGS.
>> Jimmy: OH, MY GOODNESS!
BILLY CRYSTAL IS HERE.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
>>> HEY, ROLLINS, RIGHT?
ROLLINS, HEY, HOW ARE YOU DOING?
>> ARE YOU EVERYWHERE?
>> I GET AROUND.
>> WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
>> I DON'T EVEN KNOW.
>> WOW, YOU KILLED RORY.
>> I DIDN'T KILL RORY.
>> THAT'S WHY YOU WERE STRESSED.
>> WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
>> YOU HAD HIS HANDS ON HIS 
SHOULDER RIGHT BEFORE YOU 
STRANGLED HIM.
>> HE DIED OF LEUKEMIA.
ARE YOU HIGH?
>> YEAH.
>> Jimmy: BILLY CRYSTAL AND BEN 
SCHWARTZ IN "STANDING UP FALLING
DOWN", A VERY SWEET MOVIE, A 
SN
NICE RELATIONSHIP.
TELL US A LITTLE BIT ABOUT YOUR 
CHARACTER.
>> I PLAY MARTY, AN ALCOHOLIC 
POT-SMOKING DERMATOLOGIST, WHICH
IS VERY INTERESTING, BECAUSE I'M
NOT A DERMATOLOGIST.
IT'S A STORY OF THESE TWO, OH, 
LOST SOULS.
THE WONDERFUL BEN SCHWARTZ.
>> Jimmy: YEAH, HE'S A NICE KID,
TOO.
>> HE'S THE REAL DEAL.
>> Jimmy: YOU GUYS HAVE BONDED.
>> WE'VE BECOME VERY CLOSE 
FRIENDS.
>> Jimmy: YOU TOOK HIM TO THE 
CLIPPERS GAME.
>> I'M LIKE HIS UNCLE.
I TOOK HIM TO CLIPPERS GAMES, 
AND WE HUNG OUT.
HE'S AN AWFULLY FUNNY GUY.
HE'S ONE OF THOSE RARE GUYS THAT
YOU KNOW WAS RAISED WELL.
HE'S TERRIFIC.
>> Jimmy: IT'S FUNNY, BECAUSE 
I'M GUESSING THAT YOUR 
RELATIONSHIP WAS SIMILAR TO THE 
RELATIONSHIP YOU HAVE IN THE 
MOVIE.
>> HE'S A FAILED COMEDIAN, THE 
CHARACTER.
BUT AREN'T WE ALL?
[ LAUGHTER ]
AND HE COMES TO ME WITH A RASH 
ON HIS ARM, AND I HELP HIM OUT, 
BUT THEN WE START TALKING.
AND I HELP HIM WITH HIS ACT BY 
HELPING HIM WITH HIS LIFE.
AND HE HELPS ME BEGIN TO CLEAN 
UP, AND WE START TO UNDERSTAND 
EACH OR, AND I UNBURDEN MYSELF 
OF ALL THE PAST THAT'S DRIVING 
ME TO DRINK AND DO DRUGS AND ALL
OF THAT STUFF.
>> Jimmy: DOES IT FEEL ODD FOR 
YOU?
I KNOW WE ALL THINK OF OURSELVES
AS JUST OURSELVES.
YOU DON'T REALLY ATTACH AN AGE 
TO YOURSELF.
IS IT ODD BEING LIKE THE MENTOR 
TO GUYS LIKE BEN?
OR, YOU KNOW, YOUNGER GUYS?
>> YOU KNOW, IT'S, FIRST OF ALL,
IT'S LOVELY JUST TO BE WORKING.
>> Jimmy: UH-HUH.
>> AND WORKING WITH GREAT, 
BRIL
BRILLIANT PEOPLE LIKE THAT.
I JUST ACTED WITH THE WONDERFUL 
TIFFANY HADDISH.
>> Jimmy: YES, I KNOW YOU DID.
>> VERY EXCITED ABOUT THAT.
I DIRECTED THE MOVIE, CO-WROTE 
IT, AND WE PLAY, WE HAVE A VERY 
INTERESTING STORY TOGETHER.
AND THAT'S CALLED "HERE TODAY", 
AND IT WILL BE COMING OUT LATER 
THIS YEAR.
>> Jimmy: YES, I LOOK FORWARD TO
THAT.
>> I LOVED WORKING WITH HER, AND
I LOVED WORKING WITH BEN, 
BECAUSE THEY BRING OUT THE BEST 
IN YOU.
BECAUSE WE COME FROM DIFFERENT 
TIMES, OBVIOUSLY, YOU KEEP BEING
REMINDED, YOU'RE OLDER, BUT YOU 
KNOW WHEN YOU REALLY GET 
REMINDED THAT YOU'RE OLD, MY 
BIRTHDAY'S COMING UP IN MARCH.
>> Jimmy: UH-HUH.
>> I'M A MEDIUM IN SOME THINGS 
OR A LARGE IN OTHERS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
I HAVE TO TAKE MY WRITTEN 
DRIVER'S TEST.
>> Jimmy: OVER?
>> YEAH.
>> Jimmy: WRITTEN!
>> THE WRITTEN TEST OVER.
THIS IS A NIGHTMARE.
I MEAN, I'VE BEEN DRIVING SINCE 
I'M 18.
I'M GOING TO BE 72.
>> Jimmy: UH-HUH.
>> AND I LOOK FABULOUS.
>> Jimmy: YOU DO. 
[ APPLAUSE ]
>> I HAVE NEVER GOTTEN A TICKET 
EXCEPT I HAVE 11,000 PARKING 
TICKETS.
I'VE NEVER GOTTEN A MOVING 
VIOLATION OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT,
BUT WHEN I TAKE THE PRACTICE 
TESTS I WOULDN'T GET IN THE CAR 
WITH ME.
>> Jimmy: ARE THE QUESTIONS 
HARD?
>> YEAH, THEY'RE HARD, LET ME 
SEE HOW YOU DO.
>> Jimmy: OKAY, GOOD, ALL RIGHT.
>> THIS IS A TRUE OR FALSE 
QUESTION.
>> Jimmy: OKAY.
>> THIS IS AN ACTUAL FROM THE 
TEST.
ALL RIGHT.
WHEN DRIVING UNDER SNOWY OR ICY 
CONDITIONS, YOU SHOULD MAKE 
SPEED AND DIRECTIONAL CHANGES 
MORE GRADUALLY THAN YOU WOULD 
OTHERWISE.
>> Jimmy: YES.
TRUE.
>> THAT'S BROKEN YELLOW CENTER 
LINE MEANS THAT YOU CAN PASS ON 
THE LEFT IF THE ROAD AHEAD IS 
CLEAR.
>> Jimmy: TRUE.
>> OKAY.
WHEN BEING FOLLOWED BY A 
TAILGATER, WHICH FINGER DO YOU 
USE TO TELL THEM TO BACK OFF?
>> Jimmy: I USE THE BIG ONE.
>> OKAY.
WHEN TAKING A SELFIE WHILE 
DRIVING.
>> Jimmy: UH-HUH.
THIS IS ON THE TEST?
>> YEAH, YEAH.
>> Jimmy: OH, WOW.
>> SHOULD YOU BE IN THE PORTRAIT
MODE?
>> Jimmy: ABSOLUTELY.
>> THAT'S BETTER.
>> Jimmy: THERE ARE MORE?
>> YEAH, SOME MORE.
>> Jimmy: OKAY.
I FEEL LIKE I'M DOING WELL SO 
FAR.
>> YOU'RE GREAT.
>> Jimmy: OKAY, GREAT.
>> YOU'RE PUSHING 60.
>> Jimmy: MM-HM.
>> IN A SCHOOL ZONE.
WHAT IS THAT INFRACTION CALLED?
>> Jimmy: UH, SPEEDING, I GUESS.
>> NO, IT'S CALLED THE PRINCE 
ANDREW.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: WE GOT TO GO OUT ON 
THAT, RIGHT?
COME ON, ONE MORE. 
>> THIS IS THE LAST ONE.
AND I THINK WE'VE BEEN GUILTY 
ABOUT THIS.
WHEN PARKING IN A HANDICAPPED 
SPACE.
HOW LONG AFTER YOU EXIT THE CAR 
SHOULD YOU FAKE YOUR LIMP?
>> Jimmy: IMMEDIATELY.
>> IMMEDIATELY.
>> Jimmy: BILLY CRYSTAL, 
EVERYONE.
"STANDING UP, FALLING DOWN" 
PREMIERS IN THEATERS AND VOD 
FEBRUARY 21ST.
WE'LL BE BACK WITH THE 
TENDERLOINS.
