WELCOME ONE AND ALL, IN HERE,
OUT THERE, TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.
IT IS --
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
OH, IT'S EXCITING.
IT'S WONDERFUL.
IT'S CRISP IN THE AIR.
IT'S 16 DAYS TILL CHRISTMAS, BUT
WE'VE GOT A LITTLE PRESENT TODAY
AHEAD OF TIME FROM THE INSPECTOR
GENERAL OF THE JUSTICE
DEPARTMENT.
YOU SEE, FOR MONTHS NOW, WE HAVE
BEEN TALKING ABOUT TRUMP AND
UKRAINE, SO IT'S EASY TO FORGET
ABOUT TRUMP AND RUSSIA.
IN THIS CASE, TRUMP'S INSISTENCE
THAT THE 2016 RUSSIA PROBE
STARTED ONLY BECAUSE OF
ANTI-TRUMP BIAS IN THE F.B.I.
THAT WAS THE REAL SCANDAL.
WELL, TODAY, AFTER MONTHS OF
INVESTIGATING, THE D.O.J.
INSPECTOR GENERAL RELEASED HIS
REPORT, FINDING NO EVIDENCE OF
BIAS.
CONCLUDING THAT THE F.B.I. HAD
SUFFICIENT EVIDENCE TO LAWFULLY
OPEN THE RUSSIA INVESTIGATION.
OKAY, THERE IT IS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
END OF STORY!
TRUTH WINS.
THIS WASN'T AN OVERTHROW OF THE
GOVERNMENT.
THIS WASN'T EVEN AN ATTEMPTED
OVERTHROW, AND NO ONE WAS "IN ON
IT."
I'M SORRY, YOU WANTED TO SAY
SOMETHING?
>> THIS WAS AN OVERTHROW OF
GOVERNMENT, THIS WAS AN
ATTEMPTED OVERTHROW-- AND A LOT
OF PEOPLE WERE IN ON IT.
>> STEPHEN: OKAY.
I DIDN'T READ THAT PART.
SO, THE DEEP STATE WAS TRYING TO
OVERTHROW YOUR GOVERNMENT WHEN
THEY STARTED THE RUSSIA
INVESTIGATION
IN JULY 2016, BEFORE YOU WERE
ELECTED.
ELECTED.
(AS TRUMP)
"THAT'S HOW DEEP IT GOES, THEY
WERE TRYING TO OVERTHROW THE
GOVERNMENT BEFORE I WAS EVEN IT!
THAT WAY, BARACK OBAMA WOULD NO
LONGER BE IN OFFICE TO
GRACIOUSLY ALLOW A PEACEFUL
TRANSITION OF POWER!
I'M NOT GONNA MAKE THAT
MISTAKE."
( LAUGHTER )
KEEP IN MIND, NOTHING HE'S
SAYING IS IN THE ACTUAL REPORT.
HE IS, ONCE AGAIN, JUST NAMING
AN ALTERNATE REALITY THAT HE
WANTS TO EXIST.
ON ONE LEVEL, OBVIOUSLY, THIS IS
FUN -- AND HA HA HA-- BUT IT'S
ALSO REALLY DANGEROUS, BECAUSE
WHY HAVE AN ELECTION IF NEXT
NOVEMBER 3, HE CAN JUST SAY --
(AS TRUMP)
"I JUST SAW THE ELECTION
RESULTS.
I WON ALL 50 STATES, PLUS,
MANITOBA.
THANK YOU, PATRIOTIC BEAVERS."
( LAUGHTER )
WELL, TWO CAN PLAY AT THAT GAME.
DID YOU HEAR WHAT'S IN THE I.G.
REPORT?
IT'S MUCH WORSE THAN ANY OF US
IMAGINED.
TRUMP CONFESSED TO COLLUDING
WITH THE RUSSIANS TO INFLUENCE
THE 2016 ELECTION, AND STOPPING
THE GOLDEN GLOBES FROM
NOMINATING ANY WOMEN FOR "BEST
DIRECTOR."
COME ON!
( LAUGHTER )
THE REPORT ALSO HAS NEW
INFORMATION ABOUT FORMER BRITISH
SPY, AND BLAND, JAMES BLAND
CHRISTOPHER STEELE.
( LAUGHTER )
STEELE PUT TOGETHER THE INFAMOUS
DOSSIER ACCUSING TRUMP OF, HOW
DO I PUT THIS TACTFULLY, HAVING
A BIG WET PROSTITUTE PEE-PEE
PARTY.
( LAUGHTER )
WAS THAT TACTFULLY?
NO.
WE'LL PROBABLY EDIT THIS PART
OUT.
( LAUGHTER )
BUT ACCORDING TO THE REPORT,
STEELE WASN'T BIASED AGAINST
TRUMP.
STEELE STATED THAT "IF ANYTHING
HE WAS "FAVORABLY DISPOSED"
TOWARD THE TRUMP FAMILY BEFORE
HE BEGAN HIS RESEARCH BECAUSE HE
HAD VISITED A TRUMP FAMILY
MEMBER AT TRUMP TOWER AND "BEEN
FRIENDLY" WITH THE FAMILY MEMBER
FOR SOME YEARS.
OKAY, A TRUMP FAMILY MEMBER WITH
FRIENDS.
( LAUGHTER )
SO NOT ERIC.
( LAUGHTER )
TURNS OUT IT WAS IVANKA.
THERE'S ALSO THIS SMALLER TRUMP
STORY, HE'S BEING IMPEACHED.
AND I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT
IN TONIGHT'S INSTALLMENT OF DON
AND THE GIANT IMPEACH.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> I NEED SOME GOOD NEWS, I'VE
GOT PEOPLE TRYING TO IMPEACH ME.
>> STEPHEN: IT'S THE SECOND DAY
OF LIVE HEARINGS FOR THE
JUDICIARY COMMITTEE.
THEY HAVEN'T DRAFTED THE
ARTICLES OF IMPEACHMENT YET, BUT
DEMOCRATS SAY TRUMP'S
IMPEACHABLE OFFENSES
INCLUDE ABUSES OF POWER THROUGH
SELF-DEALING, BETRAYAL OF
NATIONAL SECURITY IN THE SERVICE
OF FOREIGN INTERESTS, AND
CORRUPTION OF OUR ELECTIONS THAT
UNDERMINE OUR DEMOCRATIC SYSTEM.
OR AS TRUMP PUT IT --
>> PROMISES MADE, PROMISES KEPT.
>> STEPHEN: NOW, WE CAN'T
PREDICT WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN
IN THE FUTURE, BUT EVIDENTLY
AXIOS CAN, BECAUSE THEY SAY,
"NOBODY WE'VE SPOKEN TO, FROM
EITHER PARTY, THINKS THERE'S
EVEN A REMOTE CHANCE TRUMP GETS
CONVICTED IN A SENATE TRIAL."
IT'S LIKE THE MOVIE "TITANIC."
NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES I SHOUT
"STOP HAVING SEX AND WATCH OUT
FOR THE ICEBERG!" IT ENDS THE
SAME WAY: THE SHIP GOES DOWN,
AND I GET ESCORTED OUT OF
ANOTHER MOVIE THEATER.
( LAUGHTER )
DESPITE IMPEACHMENT, TRUMP IS
BUSY CAMPAIGNING FOR 2020.
ON SATURDAY NIGHT, HE TRAVELED
TO FLORIDA TO ADDRESS THE
ISRAELI-AMERICAN COUNCIL.
THIS WAS AN IMPORTANT SPEECH,
BECAUSE AMONG JEWISH VOTERS,
TRUMP'S APPROVAL RATING IS 29%.
WHICH AMONG JEWISH VOTERS IS
SLIGHTLY LESS POPULAR THAT MEL
GIBSON.
( LAUGHTER )
JUST A HAIR.
JUST A HAIR --
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> OH, YES.
THAT'S RIGHT.
>> Stephen: TRUMP DID NOT HELP
HIMSELF WHEN
HE STARTED HIS SPEECH TO--
AGAIN, THE ISRAELI-AMERICAN
COUNCIL-- LIKE THIS:
>> I KNOW YOU VERY WELL.
YOU'RE BRUTAL KILLERS.
( LAUGHTER )
>> STEPHEN: (AS TRUMP)
"HOW AM I DOING?
IS THIS ON?
HOW AM I DOING?
WE GET THAT NUMBER UP TO 30%
YET?
WAIT, I CAN FIX THIS.
YOU'RE ALSO TERRIFYING MONSTERS
WE CAN'T GET WET OR FEED AFTE
MIDNIGHT.
(  BLEEP  )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF )
I'M SORRY, I CONFUSE YOU WITH
GREMLINS ALL THE TIME.
( LAUGHTER )
AT ONE POINT, TRUMP ADDRESSED
THE CHALLENGES HE'S FACED
BROKERING PEACE IN THE
MIDDLE EAST.
>> I LOVE DEALS, AND I USED TO
HEAR THE TOUGHEST OF ALL DEALS
IS PEACE WITH ISRAEL AND THE
PALESTINIANS.
THEY SAY THAT'S THE TOUGHEST OF
ALL DEALS.
BUT IF JARED KUSHNER CAN'T DO
IT, IT CAN'T BE DONE.
( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: REALLY?
IF JARED CAN'T DO IT IT CAN'T BE
DONE?
(AS TRUMP)
"THAT MAN DOES THE IMPOSSIBLE.
I MEAN, HE MARRIED IVANKA.
DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY PEOPLE SAID
'YOU CAN'T MARRY IVANKA?'
MY LAWYERS, MY PASTOR, THE ELVIS
AT THE LAS VEGAS WEDDING
CHAPEL."
