# [reflective music]
Dear six-year-old, training
wheels are for babies.
Just let go already.
Regards, a seven-year-old.
Dear seven-year-old,
no matter what anyone says,
stay weird.
Signed, an eight-year-old.
Dear eight-year-old, find out
your babysitter's weakness,
then use it
against them.
Signed, a nine-year-old.
Dear nine-year-old,
don't get involved
with the 'popular' kids.
They're narcissistic capitalists
that know nothing
about politics.
Signed, a 12-year-old.
Dear 12-year-old,
ask her to dance.
Just trust me
on this one.
Signed, a 16-year-old.
Dear 16-year-old, don't let
your mom throw away your Legos.
Signed, an 18-year-old.
Dear 18-year-old,
go easy on the makeup.
You're not as ugly
as you think.
Love, a 19-year-old.
Dear 19-year-old, just because
it's an all-you-can-eat buffet,
does not mean you need
to eat all you can.
Your parents have
better interest rates
than your credit card.
If he says he has a "weekend
home" in the suburbs,
he's married.
That rust protection
undercoating,
it's actually
a great deal.
Whatever you do, never order
the salad from a truck stop.
Back up
your hard drive. Now.
I mean, who even
does that?
Getting laid off can be
a blessing in disguise.
Being a starving artist only
works if you actually make art.
Always be kind
to your family.
You'll need each other
when things get tough.
Stop panicking. Being a single
mom is an incredible thing.
I was 22, I had this little kid,
named him Vladimir.
He's 14 now, he makes
me proud. So proud.
Dear 36-year-old,
stop caring so much
about what other
people think.
They're not thinking
about you at all.
Signed,
a 47-year-old.
Dear 47-year-old,
a mid-life crisis
does not look
good on you.
Signed, a 48-year-old.
Dear 48-year-old,
always tell the truth.
Except when it comes to
your online dating profile.
Dear 51-year-old,
one cat is enough cats.
Signed, a 53-year-old.
Dear 53-year-old, it's never
too late to try something new.
I've decided to take
my husband's Corvette
and go to racing school.
Dear 72-year-old,
spend all your money.
Otherwise, your kids
are going to do it for you.
Sincerely, an 85-year-old.
Dear 85-year-old...
My late wife made the best apple
pie that you could ever find.
When she cut the pieces,
she would cut small ones,
and when she came to me,
she would cut a big one.
Dear 88-year-old,
cultivate younger friends.
Sincerely, 91 years old.
Dear 91-year-old, don't listen
to other people's advice.
Signed, a 93-year old.
# #
Just do your own thing.
That's the way I see it.
The popular kids,
they're so shallow.
They like hashtags
and pop culture,
and it's like,
I don't care.
That's never going to be
relevant in the future.
If your babysitter
hates feet,
Do a handstand and then put
your feet right in their face.
No, but I'm willing to.
Dear 70-year-old,
stay weird.
Signed, a 72-year-old.
I think that
went good.
