 
Single Satisfied & Searching

Danny Gilbert

Copyright 2014 by Danny Gilbert

Smashwords Edition

Cover design by Danny Gilbert

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means electron, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise – without the prior written permission of the publisher. The only exception is brief quotations in printed reviews or articles that reference the Author and the book.

Published by Radical House publishing

Conyers, Georgia

Printed in the United States of America

Radical House Publishing

Conyers, Georgia

Introduction

Our life journey runs parallel to time and the four seasons. Every year we can look forward to the next seasonal change and take measures for preparation. We can look ahead and know that a new season is coming and prepare for that season.

With preparation there is always expectation. No one expects to go from summer to fall and not change according to the current season or weather change. Nature changes without waiting on us. It has a set purpose and whether we are ready or not every season will change at its calculated time.

Life is like the four seasons. There are good times and bad times, there are times of great fulfillment and there are days of many disappointments. But just as we prepare for a new season with expectation of change, we have to live our lives with the same expectation and planning.

If you are single and you want marriage, you have to expect it to happen and make plans for it. Once you get in expectation mode, you will begin to do what it takes to be ready for that new season in your life.

Don't just desire a mate; expect it as you expect the four seasons. When you expect it, you will plan for it and you will be more ready to handle it. Plan on purpose to transition from singlehood to marriage. Don't just wait for things to happen in your life. Make it happen with definite purpose, if you want the results you expect!

This book was written to encourage and motivate you to make that transition and not get stuck in a past season without hope for change. There is nothing like wanting marriage and having a feeling of being a hopeless single who will never get married.

My objective was not to write from an exclusive perspective of my own experiences or being limited by my own way of thinking. I took the time out to question other singles on their journey and the more singles I talked to the more I realized all the things we have in common.

In the process it was a learning experience for me. And each lesson I tried to share with you within these pages. It is my ultimate attempt to be real and as transparent as I can.

On the other side of the tracks, there is so much written herein to those who don't want marriage in the current season of their lives, but you are enjoying the season where you are now. There is nothing wrong with being satisfied with being single. It's a great season to get to know yourself and enjoy life without interruptions and distractions.

But always keep in mind to prepare for more. Just as the seasons change, you will change as well. We all change at some point in our lives and we continually change until we die. We change our minds, our lives and we eventually may want more. Someone said "it's better to be prepared for an opportunity and not get it, that to not get an opportunity because you were not prepared for it". So I encourage you to enjoy your choice of a single lifestyle and at the same time prepare for the next level, even if you never try to get there. Enjoy the Journey as you read,

Danny Gilbert

Not a Christian book

Let me make this very clear before you read this book. This is not a Christian book. It is a book for all Single people written by a Christian. I did not write this book for Christians only and I did not write it from an exclusive Christian perspective. I want this message for general audiences.

Single, Satisfied & yet searching?

Upon hearing the title of this book several people have asked me the question concerning what appears to be a contradiction, an oxymoron:

How can someone be Single & Satisfied and yet be Searching?

What seems to be a contradiction to some is an apparent concept of relativity to others. Let me explain:

Being single is not a prison sentence and it does not mean we are always miserable, horny and lonely. Yes, there times we fall into depression, desperately want some sex and struggle with loneliness. But that's not every day. And it's actually less frequent than you think.

Being single has its challenges in which I will be discussing herein. But it also has its blessings. Let me illustrate. You know how you feel when you are hungry and you can freely shop and cook anything you want. You have an unlimited budget and if you decide to go out and eat, you can do that and comfortably eat at the most expensive restaurant to a cheap fast food joint. The choice is yours.

When you are single and satisfied, it's like being hungry. You are not miserable, yet you have a need. The reason you are not miserable is because you know you can eat whatever you want at any given time. Now you might be a bit uncomfortable for the moment, but you can eat whenever you want and whatever you want.

The blessing of being single is the power to be content where we are and yet want to enjoy our contentment and peace with someone else. And that's why we are satisfied and searching. The search is for a qualified candidate who wants what we want; that special someone to share each other's happiness. That's contentment with a search button.

So how can someone be single, satisfied and searching?

This is a person who is satisfied with who they are and content with where they are enough to search for someone to share their life and bring that person into their world.

This conclusion in no way does not mean that you are perfect and flawless because you are content and you have a healthy self-esteem about yourself. On the contrary, you can have flaws, character issues and even make many mistakes. But what makes you a wonderful person to be around is the fact that you are not angry with yourself and blaming others for where you are.

I believe that if a person can let go of anger, un-forgiveness and past hurts. They have the basic platform to live a content and happy life. For how can you go into a relationship carrying a virus without infecting someone else? The problem with many singles is they are searching for themselves within a relationship. They bring the virus of self-hate, anger and un-forgiveness into a new relationship. And just like a virus in the body, it will cause sickness, disease and even death. This also brings us to the question of:

How do I know when I'm ready for a relationship?

You know you are ready for a relationship when you are satisfied with who you are and you have made a decision to leave past hurts, failures and problems behind. All the other stuff is a matter of growth, learning and living. No one is perfect when it comes to our flaws, weaknesses and ignorance. We all have them, we all have issues. But there are some things that will hinder your growth and kill any relationship at the seed formation.

If you relate to other people based on the way someone else has treated, you are not ready for a new relationship. You have to take a season to get over it. If you don't, you will destroy the new relationship because of what happened to you in the old relationship. So it is vital that you go through a season of cleaning out the junk in your trunk from the past.

I have been in several relationships where I have not done any harm at all to her and she vented anger out at me and I would scratch my head and wonder why me? What did I do? She would actually warn me against things I never even did. This was clear evidence that she brought her past issues into the relationship with me and I never even did the crime. I was being punished for what other men did to her.

So go forward, develop yourself in the time of being single. And when you like yourself to the point that you enjoy being by yourself, then you are ready to share your world. But, be careful that you don't allow yourself to stay single too long and develop many years of selfishness to the point that you don't want a relationship because it's all about you.

A healthy self-esteem is a balanced personality and character. It is the person who is normal, yet human enough to be themselves without regret or shame. And yet strong enough to admit their issues and admit the fact that they want to improve and be a better person.

As I write this section of this book, I can honestly say I'm there. No I'm not there as being perfect, or flawless or finished. But I'm at the place where I have a foundation to build on that took many years of searching, loss, pain and hard work. I have so much more work to do, but the foundation of the house is built and it's the most important first stage.

I'm at a place in my life where I like myself and I love myself. Not in a vain and selfish way, but with a balance in my attitude about it. A balance that says "I like me, I'm improving me and I want all to first accept me as I am and those who don't that's their problem, not mine". You can't love me, if I don't love me, because I will not let you. And you can't love me if you don't love you, because you trying to get what only you can give yourself first.

And the problem in many relationships is two people who don't like themselves are trying to love each other. That is a disaster waiting to happen!

But you deserve to be treated as someone who deserves to be loved. And that can only come from someone who first love themselves and yet are not wrapped up in themselves with pride and vain selfishness. This person is mature, a giver and tries to live a balanced life. That's what you want to look for as someone who is a potential lifetime partner. A single person who is satisfied and searching for you!

Section One

Chapter 1

Single

"Just because someone wants marriage as a goal does not mean they are discontent being single neither does it mean they are desperate"

"You are ready for a relationship when you are satisfied with who you are and you have made a decision to leave past hurts, failures and problems behind.

The woman behind the walls

There was a woman trapped in a room made of brick on all four sides. She would cry every day and her hurt was so deep that it was as if she lost her mother or a very close loved one. Her tears flowed like a running water faucet dripping quickly. Every day she cried continuously and nonstop.

How did she get there no one knows. Why she was there no one knows. There was a small hole whereby she could see and talk to those that passed by. And daily many passed by and talked to her. Some made it their daily routine to come by just to be nosey and have something to talk about, while few others came by to give her encouragement and comfort.

This bricked room had neither a door nor a ceiling. The walls were just above her head, within her own arm reach. She saw the sun rise daily and it set every evening. But no matter how much the sun would shine, she could never enjoy it.

All the walls had writing on them and three of them appeared as if she was trying to kick them down but made no success at it. The writing on the wall looked as if some of it was recent and some of it was very old.

The writing seemed as if she was angry at someone on one wall and as if she was apologizing to someone on another wall. And one wall seemed as if she was so full of hate for the person that she even threatened to kill the person.

What one person witnessed was that she spent all her time just sleeping, writing on the wall and talking to those who passed by. With all that she stayed depressed and angry.

Another witness passing by asked her, what did you do wrong that made you a prisoner in here? She replied as usual, I did nothing wrong, I was a good woman, a dedicated wife. A great mother to my kids and everything any man would want in a wife". So that person just walked away shaking his head and thinking, "she has got to be lying, no one lives in a prison for nothing.

As he left a curious young lady came by and looked on the small hole and first noticed one of her notes she wrote. So as the lady in the prison noticed she was reading it she immediately ran over to the wall to stand in front of the writing to cover it up. The lady outside asked her, "Why would you hide it if you wrote it on a wall for all to see? She replied, "that's my business and none of yours so mind your business and keep moving on".

The lady anger and bitterness ran people away from her and kept her lonely more and more. But one lady was determined to not give up on her. She continued to come by every day and encourage her. And then one day the woman behind the walls decided to open up to her.

She said she only was in love four times. One of the men stayed until she made him leave while the others walked off and left her. She said they told her that they did not want to deal with her issues. She played their voices in her head every day. It brought depression and fear to the point that any man that walked by she would turn her back away from them.

Every day she shared her hurts and her pains. She told about the abuse, the depression, the suicide and the drugs and alcohol. The lady behind the walls told her new fiend that they were right, I'm damaged goods, and no one will want me. The lady behind the walls would tell her new friend a new side of her life every day.

How could a woman allow men to bring her so low, to the point that her life has gone downhill? What is the real problem here?

And just like a true and loyal friend the lady that stood on the other side of the wall just listened, sympathized and did not judge or condemn her. She brought her food and drink and sat with her for hours every day until the tears turned to smiles and laughter.

The free woman told her new friend that she has the power to control her destiny and not a man or anyone else. She told her, you are not what they said, you are a special woman and you belong to God and he never made junk. She continued to tell her to stop putting her life in the hands of the men who promise her love and leave her hanging still broken and empty. Put your life in God's hand dear, she constantly reminded her.

As the free woman on the other side talked to her she began to cry and then as the tears poured, while she held her head down, she quickly looked up, wiped her face and lit up with a big smile. It was evident that there was something the lady said to her that inspired her and brought joy in her heart.

Slowly but surely, the woman behind the walls begins to change, she begin to open up. And as she opened up she looked around and started as if planning how to get out of her bricked in world.

When her new friend came around she quickly asked her "Can you help me get out of here"? Her new friend said sure I can, but I have to climb in there with you and give you a lift, and then you will have to stand on top of the wall and pull me out. So they immediately went into action.

After her new friend helped her out, she was free and moved on with her life. A year later she got married to a man that loved her. They had three children together. Her new husband shared this with all his family and friends about her:

"My wife was a prisoner for many years. She was not in a state prison or a federal prison. She was not behind a prison cell with guards and was forced to be in there. She lived in a four wall prison in her mind. She was in bondage to the men that hurt her & the men that used her. She allowed her past to hold her back."

Her new husband would always tell how his wife met a friend and how she helped her out of the prison cell. He talked to women and men one on one and in group settings. He spoke to them in churches, in social events. He even would ask to share at peoples weddings. Here is one of the many messages he would share:

"I have never been with a woman who did not bring past issues into the relationship. What we have to learn to do is to accept each other and the fact that we both have issues and we can't let our past issues become currently subscribed issues.

If you can't love someone beyond their past issues, you don't have what it takes to love them!" And how can you expect someone to love you and forgive you with all your flaws and past issues, if you don't do the same for them?

A person who got it all together doesn't need you! They don't need the healing power of love. Yes, love heals. It heals the scars of abuse, neglect, divorce, and pain so deep that it can bring you to suicide. Love can heal you of all that! Love has healing powers.

And if you take the time to get in touch with the love that God has put in all of us, It will first transform our lives and then we can give that love to transform another life"

The husband of

the woman behind the walls

There are many women and men who live behind the walls of the hurt they have experienced from someone they loved. They live with bitterness and allow it to hinder them from enjoying a new healthy relationship.

I encourage you to do as the woman behind the walls did. Take the time to let someone help you out. It's okay to be honest that you were hurt, abused and taken advantage of and it has affected your trust and made you angry. But the last thing you want to do is use that hurt as a defense mechanism and start treating men like they are all your enemies and you don't trust any of them. Move on with your life towards healing and determine to be free!

Hopeless single

I have had many days I felt like a hopeless single. As if no one is going to marry me. Maybe I will end up an old man looking for me a woman to settle down with. There were times that this thought really frustrated me and made me so desperate that I wanted to settle for any woman that came along. If she smiled at me, I would take interest and pursue. And don't let her compliment and encourage me, I thought I was falling in love. This felt a curse of an enduring struggle.

There were times that I wondered if there was something wrong with me having all these feelings and desires. As a son of God, is it wrong to want sexual satisfaction as a single man, while desiring a friendly companion? How do I cope with loneliness and yet wanting to please God, but daily tempted to please my flesh?

Is this what all Christian singles deal with or is it just me? These are just a few of the many questions that have come across my mind all the years of being single. Many of these questions have been answered, but to this day there are questions I must say I do not have the answer to.

Unanswered questions that pertain to our daily lives and our future can lead to a sense of either confusion or even hopelessness. We are confused because we are left with guesses and everyone's opinion and we really don't know which way is the best route. We have a lot of information in our minds yet none of it really helps to solve our problem. So we carry this burden of feeling hopeless. Not knowing which direction to take in life.

Will I ever get married? Who wants to marry me? I don't want to die single and lonely. This is the challenge of being single, wanting more yet this hopeless feeling tells us this is it. Yet I want to take the time to flip the script and give you something to look forward to.

What I'm sharing in this book did not come over night nor did I get it in a few years. It took many years of learning, falling and growing. It took being single in my early twenties, married in my early thirties and then single again for three years after being married for eleven years.

So for me, this has been a long and exhausting journey. Many times a very difficult journey that made me want to throw in the towel and walk out the ring. Yet, with courage I continued on and I keep continuing on.

You may have heard some negative things about you and you may believe it all. But I want you to know that God did not make any junk and you are a very valuable and precious person. Your value is not measured by a man or a woman being in your life. A relationship will only enhance that value which is already there.

See yourself as valuable a gifted and unique person who has a lot to offer. You were blessed with so much to give and do that it's inside of you waiting to be released. Just take the time to look inside during this season of your single life. Look inside of yourself and see your own beauty and your own value.

Look beyond your failures and see the things you have accomplished. Look beyond you weaknesses and see your strengths. Look inside yourself and take your focus off of the negative things you were told and turn it around and tell yourself the positive. Tell yourself you can do it, you can be it and you are better than that. Refuse to let that hopeless feeling tug on you.

Many times we feel hopeless because we feel like we are stuck. We feel we lack what it takes to get out of where we are. Being single does not have to be the end of the road for you. It's only the beginning and you can take a rest stop and get up and begin to enjoy all that the single life has to offer you.

You just have to make a decision that you are not going to lay down in a hopeless and depressed slump and give up. You must determine to believe in yourself and believe that God has so much more for you. Believe that there is the sunshine on the other side and in a matter of time the morning light will shine on you.

My Second Marriage

My first wife I and jointly made a decision to end our marriage. It was at that moment that I realized that when I married her I really didn't know what I wanted, I was only twenty nine and she was nineteen. After nine years of marriage and three kids, I was worn out being a single father in a marriage to a woman who made up her mind to be a career woman and didn't know how to put the brakes on.

There is so much that lead up to us deciding to divorce and let each other go without fighting and warring against each other. And to this day I give her respect because she respected me as a man and the father of her kids and never gave me a hard time during the divorce process. And I made sure I did the same.

The decision to divorce was settled a year before we actually got a divorce. And I had started the process to file divorce papers online. Many months after we verbally agreed to divorce and even started sleeping in separate rooms (I slept in the office and on the couch many nights).

Months after our agreed divorce and during the process of our legal divorce, I met someone online who showed interest in being a friend.

Let me emphasize this for the record and for those who know me and her personally. When I met my second wife online, at that time me and my first wife was not living as married couples and we already previously agreed to divorce.

To make a long story short, let me sum it up. After talking for about five months, my second wife and I decided we wanted to be with each other. She lived on the west coast and I lived on the east coast. I took the challenging dare to pack up and leave to travel many miles across the U.S. to marry a woman I have never seen in person. Yeh, I know that sounds crazy!

I was always a risk taker since I was a kid and I was a very bold guy. So doing this was a part of me. Yet it was something I never did in my life. It challenged me. As I traveled for three days on a train across the country, I felt so many butterflies in my stomach that I couldn't eat sometimes.

When I arrived after a long three day travel, I was shocked I learned the greatest lesson of my life. She was a sweet and beautiful woman as I knew by pictures and her voice matched as well. But as we loaded my luggage in her van at the train station, my mind said, "Danny, what are you doing". But as we drove to her place, my mind was saying, "Are you crazy?" Yet all I focused on is one thing that we both discussed, and that is commitment.

It was in that dirty, smelly van, that I said to myself, "I made a commitment and I will be a man of my word and stick this out the best I can". It was that one thought that made me not change my mind and want to go back to Georgia. Being committed to what you say you will do is the character of a mature person of integrity.

It was those thoughts that ran through my mind during the awkward moments of silence between her talking on and on because it was obvious that she was very nervous and yet excited as well.

After that first day of me meeting her we decided to get married and live together. No, we did not get married like me and my first wife. Me and my first wife got a marriage license, had a ceremony at the court house and then we had sex and a year later we had a son.

My second wife and I did not go to the courthouse and we did not have a marriage license. We went to the living room floor and consummated our marriage vows that we made sitting at the kitchen table. Sounds crazy, but that's how simple it was done in the Bible. There was no priest/preacher doing ceremonies, there was no wedding ceremony like we do today. There was no such thing as a marriage license in the Bible and they did not use rings to signify they were married. But we got a lot of heat because many accused us of living in fornication.

After we "married" each other we took the time to call our family and friends and let it be publicly known that we are married. We got a lot of heat and dislike and a little support from mostly a few of her friends and all of her family. Many Christians shunned us and treated us as if we were serial killers.

Her family had come from such a broken background that they were more concerned that she was with someone who will treat her right and love her, than whether we had a marriage license or not. Her family received me with love as if I was a part of the family for years. And to this day I have much respect for them.

Why am I writing all this? Where am I going? What does all this have to do with being single? Those questions will be answered in the next few paragraphs.

After about a month together it became apparent that something was wrong. The sex was the best I ever had in my life and she became the best friend I ever had. The first month we had sex every day and sometimes all day and two or three times a day. It was like heaven on earth.

But that was not the problem. The problem was the extreme insecurity I begin to see, the fear, the hiding she would do. She would go in the bathroom and sit on the toilet for a whole hour and just daydream. And then there was the habit of her leaving and I would have no clue where she went. Then, there was the money problems, excessive and uncontrolled spending. And the list goes on.

But what I found out was that she had serious mental and emotional damage as the result of her child hood traumas and the severe things that took place in her past. She was mentally and emotionally unstable and yet you would never be able to tell unless you lived with her or you really got to know her. Yet she was very smart and educated with a college degree and was a very beautiful woman.

After three months together she agreed to move with me back to my hometown across the U.S. We packed up, moved out and saved enough money to drive three days across the United States. We traveled through seven states in America and the two largest, California and Texas.

It was something I dreamed of doing since I was a kid. I always wanted to travel across the U.S. And she gave me that experience. And what's most interesting. She paid for all the expenses. I spent all my last money taking the trip to travel to her. And I could not find a job during the three months that I lived with her.

At the end of the journey, we settled down and made Georgia her new home. It was a challenge selling all her furniture and all her household Items and starting all over again. We traveled in a new van and only packed the bare minimum necessities. We packed Mostly clothes, important items and documents.

The end of it all

After two years of trying to make it work, the relationship ended because she was dealing with a very serious mental illness that she later admitted that she took my advice to get help for. She was in denial and did not know what she was dealing with until I convinced her what the problem really was. Later she went to two psychologists who confirmed what I told her she was dealing with. And those psychologists were not told by her or me any details or what I said or she thought it was. They simply did a pre-screening questionnaire and came to a professional conclusion that she was bi-polar and had traumatic stress syndrome.

Why did I share this information? Because I want you to understand the path I have taken to learn so many of the things I write in this book. Also I want you to know that you can be a positive single person and not be bitter and angry because you made some bad decisions. What may have seemed to be a bad situation may have been the best thing that ever happened to you.

There was a great lesson in the whole journey for both me and my second wife. Today we have a great amount of respect for each other and we love each other like brothers and sisters. We agreed to let each other go and move on with our lives and accept that it did not work. Yes, in the beginning of the break up I was angry and hurt. But after a year I got over it. I had to wake up to reality and accept the truth that I fought against.

Here is the summary of what I learned after my first & second marriage:

1. A single person who was married and in a previous relationship carries a history and the issues of that past relationship. That can't be changed; it must be understood and accepted with love and patience.

2. A single person is either different for the better from the lessons and experiences of past relationships or that person is bitter and living in unforgiveness.

3. I had to learn to let go and move forward to keep from getting stuck, which will lead to frustration, and the frustration lead to anger, and the anger turns to bitterness and unforgiveness.

4. It took me two years to detoxify my spirit of the anger and come to terms with myself to accept her for who she is and love her beyond her scars.

5. My second marriage taught me how to love a broken woman and in turn what it means to love myself as well

6. Taking risks is a part of growing, learning and becoming better. I have no regrets for being with my second wife or our history together. It made me a better and stronger man.

7. My first and my second marriage gave me so much experiences and lessons (far too much to write here) that as a single man it made me force myself to be content as well as appreciate the blessings of marriage and what it means to really love a woman.

8. It's easy to want to be with somebody who has no issues, although that is unrealistic. Because we all have issues

9. The strength of your character is shown in difficult times in how you handle them. A difficult relationship will mature and make you stronger. When you run from that, you are actually choosing to stay where you are not grow

10. When you come from a very hard and struggling past, you cannot afford to live like the world owes you something and be ungrateful. You will do yourself more harm by believing you deserve more than the average person. The only thing you deserve is the fruit of what you sow. If you want better in your life, do better, be a better person to others. It is only then you can expect better!

11. Never deny your partner their basic relationship needs. When those needs are neglected the relationship will fall apart no matter what else you do.

12. Never allow division between the two of you. Don't let others cause you to make your mate an enemy to you. Even if you are angry at your mate, be careful of the people who will tell you to do things that will make the situation worse. Be very careful of negative advice!

The two struggles

Two of greatest struggles that singles deal with are loneliness and sex. Let me keep it all real in this book as I hope I have already done so far. The reality of the matter is if you take away loneliness and sexual desire away from the equation of singlehood. Then most people would not even care to get married. They would cope with being single and stay there.

But God knew what he was doing when he made us the way he made us. He made us with purpose and everything he put in us was designed for that purpose. So if he made us to mate, then he put everything in us to draw us to a mate. God made our hormones, our estrogen our testosterone. He made our sexual organs and he made our voice with the right pitch and tone that makes the opposite sex enjoy hearing our voice.

But the problem is, how can I have all this and yet still struggle with being lonely and I want a mate? How can God love me and yet he leaves me without my needs being met? These questions are born out of frustration. We get to the place where we prayed about it, waited on it and did what we thought we were supposed to do about it. And yet we are still struggling with loneliness. This internal struggle with loneliness causes us to do everything within our power to get rid of it. It haunts us and we run like a serial killer is chasing us. Yet after we have spent time with friends, prayed and done everything in the book. When the dust settles and everybody leaves, we find ourselves lonely again.

Loneliness is like an alarm system that tells you that something is wrong and something is missing. It is the signal that we were not designed to stay by ourselves too long, only for a season. The problem is when we try to live a life of loneliness to the point that we determine to master the art of being by ourselves. This causes us to be anti-social and unable to relate to the opposite sex. It seems to me that this happens to many young people and they carry it into adulthood.

What makes this journey even harder is when you are used to being with someone for a long time and you had their time and attention whenever you needed someone. And then all of a sudden here you are by yourself and wondering why.

Coping with loneliness is a challenge every single one of us must face. Whether married or single, sometime or another, you will find yourself lonely. Yet with this reality so many fear and avoid loneliness. What is it about loneliness we all dread so much and avoid so intensely? Why does a married individual spend so much more time with others outside of their marriage just to avoid being lonely? Why so singles jump In and out of relationships quickly just to keep from being lonely? Is loneliness the silent plaque we run from?

Dealing with loneliness on so many different levels has been a very interesting experience for me. I was a teenager, no close friends, no girlfriend and lonely. Then as a young man in my twenties I was fighting this battle again. Marriage did not solve the problem, because I found myself as lonely in a marriage as I was before I was married. And that's after eight years of marriage.

My Random thoughts on loneliness

• Could it be that loneliness is not what we run from, but companionship is what we long for and run to?

• What would make a person compromise their standard of morality to be in a relationship, just to avoid being alone?

• Which is worse: loneliness or a dysfunctional relationship?

• Loneliness makes us hear our conscience and come face to face with ourselves.

• When a person is insecure of themselves it is very difficult for them to be alone. There are two reasons:

1. They do not like themselves 2. They need affirmation of others to feel secure

• There are four ways to cope with loneliness:

1. Spend time with God

2. Do things you enjoy and something new

3. Spend balanced time with family and friends

4. Accept loneliness as a part of being single

A single Choice

Being single is a life of freedom yet not without responsibility. Every level of life we live we have some kind of responsibility. Choosing the responsibility to be single or married is just choosing different sets of choices and responsibilities. It's a mistake to desire to stay single because you don't want the responsibilities of marriage. And likewise it is also not wise to desire to be married because you don't want to be a responsible independent adult. Marriage requires maturity for the responsibilities that it demands. And if you get married and you are not mature, within time it will develop you. Marriage naturally will demand that you grow up. And it does not have to come from the complaining demands of your mate.

You can be a single adult in your thirties or forties or older and be living at the same level of responsibility as a teenager. I have known adults that you can see they really never grew up and took personal responsibility for their lives. They think and believe that where they are, it's someone else's fault. They live with an excuse mindset blaming others for their downfall. I'm not talking about the job they have or if they don't have a job, or if they have a car or not. I'm not talking about the material things. I'm talking about their thinking, their attitude, and their words.

You can't live life and be happy if you don't take personal responsibility for that happiness. No one has the power to control your emotions but you.

For the young and immature their goal is to be single without the responsibility of marriage. Many young people want to be single and do whatever they want independent of accountability. But the mature adult understands that the freedom of the single life is to be enjoyed, yet, it's a season to prepare for a mature relationship. Some feel the internal clock of destiny telling them there is a greater purpose of preparation, yet they don't know what that purpose is. Sometimes we spend many years going through life wondering why. Why am I single?

It's also interesting to note that the young are not the only ones who run from the responsibility of marriage. Some older people hide behind excuses of blaming the other person. They will blame their former mate because of the hurt and pain they took them through. Or they will say they are not ready for marriage, on the other hand they will give someone their all and yet say they are not sure if they want to marry that person. In my humble opinion, that's cheating you out of a good deal.

What's the purpose of being single? Is it so I can go where I want? Do what I want and answer to no one? What about my desires? I want to be single yet I want a companion. I want to be single yet I want some sexual satisfaction. I want to be single and yet I want some company and friendship of the opposite sex. And then with all that I want to be single and now I want kids. Here is where we become perplexed almost unto confusion. How can I want all the benefits of being single and yet desire the benefits of being married?

No doubt the single life is a desired life. Yet on the other hand there are those who hate the lifestyle and feel like they are trapped. They covet marriage strongly. They have spent their lives doing almost everything imaginable or possible that an unmarried person can do. They see this lifestyle like an apple they have eaten to the core. Enjoying every bite and every taste, they have got all the nutritional benefits out of it. And now, after it's all gone, it's time to throw it away and eat something different.

Besides who wants to continue eating a apple at the core and it's all brown and the seeds are falling out? It's either time to eat another apple or eat something else. And of course you know that Apples are good for you, but if you eat too many, you will get sick. Being single too long is like eating too many apples.

Another good thought of question is: How do you enjoy being single while desiring marriage? Will the desire for marriage overwhelm your single contentment? I can believe that God put alarms in us that alert us of the ending of one phase or season and the beginning of a new one. So while you are enjoying the single lifestyle after a certain time it's as if a bell goes off that says "it's time to move forward". Where is forward from where you are? Is it moving from being miserable to being content or is it .moving from a mental state of single to a mindset towards marriage?

Just because someone wants marriage as a goal does not mean they are discontent being single neither does it mean they are desperate. The more people I tell that I'm looking for a wife the more I notice people say I'm desperate. It seems like when you talk negative about relationships people are more likely to agree with you. But as soon as you begin to talk and think positive about relationships they act like something is wrong with you.

The Transformation

The single life has benefits and advantages, blessings and curses. From my experiences there are more disadvantages to being single in comparison to marriage. The scriptures clearly tell us that two are better than one (Eccl.4:9). And God declared from the beginning that it is not good (beneficial and advantageous) for man to be alone (Gen. 2:18). With that understanding and balanced wisdom from the scriptures I have concluded that the single life is not all there is but there is more. What more is there? In both Ecclesiastes and the book of Genesis they both tell us the alternative to being single is having a mate.

Marriage is the alternative to the single life. Marriage is God's best for you and I. Notice I did not say that the person you marry is the best person Gods has for you. The institution of marriage between a man and a woman is God's system and way. Whom you choose specifically is up to you and not God. And God has given us the wisdom of the scriptures to guide us in that decision, but he will not make the decision for us.

On the other hand, that does not mean that the single life has no purpose at all. Being single has a purpose indeed. And I don't you to walk away thinking that I'm undermining the single life. The single life is an important and critical phase of everyone's life. One of the main reasons I wrote this book is to emphasize the purpose of being single.

The single life is a phase most of us go through at some point in life. There are those who have always had a boyfriend or girlfriend since teen years and they were always married into adulthood, they are the exception.

In America being alone is not popular nor desired it is something that's looked upon as to make you feel like something is wrong with you. As if you are an alien. As if you are strange creature from another planet. So many young people reject being by themselves as teens because of peer pressure. And that same scenario crosses over into their adulthood. It all started with the pressure of feeling that they had to have a boyfriend or girlfriend. As if having someone was like the need for water of food. And many singles are still struggling with that same complex many years after their teen years.

Early in our lives we were made to feel left out and even rejected if we didn't have a boyfriend or girlfriend. And in many young societies, sex is the main ingredient of them feeling left out. They were willing to have sex to feel excepted, loved and to get someone to like them as a friend.

The peer pressure to be accepted has formed our way of thinking while we were young. And now as older adults we fail to realize that we have carried that same way of thinking into our adulthood. The only difference as adults, we expect to think the same, do the same and yet get different results. Our approach towards the opposite sex could be based on what we thought about them as youth, and some of the bad experiences we had as young adults.

Teens are taught in today's society to be discontent and insecure because they are by themselves. They are made to believe that having a girlfriend or boyfriend will make them cool and acceptable. This is the root of where peer pressure, insecurity and fear in a relationship start. Most adults can trace their root of rejection back to their teen years from dating and having a boyfriend or girlfriend or being rejected by someone they really liked. Many teens developed an obsession over the opposite sex and it made them emotionally unstable.

To an adult it's hard to believe that there are teens that are very obsessive about being with someone. Many adults have forgotten that they were there at one time. And we can't forget it's that time when the season of hormones and puberty begin, that's when young people feel the need for sex, and physical intimacy.

The problems start when teens begin to go through emotional changes, and traumatic experiences like severe rejection and criticism. Rejection is taken very hard by a young teen just stepping out into the real world. When they are rejected by someone they were fond of and that person begins to hurt their feelings it will cause them to retract within themselves like a turtle who was hit with a rock. It is only natural that when we are attacked and hurt that we become introverts and go back into a hole of loneliness.

Apart from abuse a teen will naturally bounce back from rejection and try again. Then there is the second rejection, the third, fourth and on and on. They will continue until the rejections and hurts begin to weigh on them heavily as they get older. So when they get to the age of 22, most teens in America have already been in and out of more than three relationships over the course of their teen lives. These relationships have affected them emotionally to the point that they hate two things; Rejection and loneliness.

Many young adults have decided to back out of a relationship not so they can learn to enjoy the single life as an adult. But because of rejection and failure growing up, they are subconsciously afraid that the failure and rejection will happen again and only get worse.

So there is no wonder why there are so many young adults in there early twenties who are so emotionally worn out that they find it hard to enjoy a relationship and they find it even harder to be alone. They failed to realize that they brought all that young baggage into adulthood. They believe the same things are so as a teenager as an adult. Not realizing that teens and mature adults are totally different in so many ways. When you become an adult you look at life from a whole different perspective. Your mind and emotions are more mature and your desires change.

No one says, "When I grow up I want to be a desperate single person with no husband, and no children for the rest of my life". There are some who have these aspirations (maybe not that extreme), but they are most likely very few. But overall no one really desires to grow old single, lonely and no children. It is in our human nature to procreate and mate with the opposite sex. Most people I have talked to, have expressed a strong desire to be with someone and/or have children, whether present or in the future. To want to delay the process is different from not wanting it all in life.

When we become adults, we see life in a totally different way. Our desires change. Our thinking change and our habits change. But one thing that never changes is the desire for a mate. As a matter of fact the older we get the more the desire grows. This is where we have to understand that as we change, we grow into a new season in our lives. What we liked and wanted as a teen we realize that's not what we want as an adult. The things we liked when we were in our twenties we no longer want in our thirties. We have an ever increasing nature of change.

The experiences you had when you were young, was a season of maturity and now that season is ended and is forever gone. The problem is; you have forever taken all the fallen dead leaves of autumn into the bright sunshine of your spring. You never learned how to walk out of one season of your life and enjoy a whole new season. I strongly urge and encourage you to take the time and enjoy your season of being single. But remember, it's only a season!

A Single Season

Being single is a blessing only for a season; you just have to know when the season is up. Imagine fall lasting for 10 years and then winter for another 10 years. It would take 20 years to enjoy spring or summer. So it is being single. God wants us to have a season to grow, and to develop a one on one relationship with him as well as do the things we would not be able to do being married. But it's only for a season. Marriage is God's ultimate will for us! Single is for a season! ENJOY YOUR SEASON, but don't stay there!

Many singles really enjoy being single and I'm one of them. Yet, I can't honestly say I enjoy it every day. And I'm for sure those same singles who agree they enjoy it will say the same. There are times that loneliness gets the best of you and you tend to get upset because you don't have that special someone. It can be challenging and on the other hand it can be a blessing.

Loneliness is the toughest part of being single. It creates emptiness and emptiness creates desperation to fill the void of loneliness. So when you find yourself so lonely that you do desperate things, that's where you take risks and can make bad choices. Loneliness and desperation is not a bad thing in and of themselves. They just affect our decisions determine our outlook and attitude. On the positive side loneliness can cause you to desperately seek a good mate while making smart and wise choices in the process. On the other hand, loneliness can cause you to do anything to be with someone and escape the pain or fear.

Don't let the fear of being alone force you to make irrational decisions only because you can't be by yourself or because you want sex so bad. Yet if the loneliness becomes unbearable and you're sexual desires are out of control, it is then best for you to get married. Don't do yourself further harm by making the process complicated.

Our reaction to loneliness depends on our experiences in life. If you have been in a relationship for a very long time it's much harder to deal with being alone. It would not be compassionate for me to expect you to cope with loneliness the same as someone who has been single for a long time and maybe never married. So how we cope with loneliness is based on our experiences and that's along with how we decide if we want to be single too long or no

Sometimes loneliness makes you desperate. Desperation is not necessarily a bad thing like most people think. Think about it; an athlete, who wins the Olympics, works out and determines to win out of desperation. Take a look at a runner in the Olympics. Do they look like they are casually running and really don't care to win? Do they run like they are leaving it in God's hands or destiny to win? No, they run with ultimate desperation. They run like they are determined to get what they want. If they are not desperate to win, they should have never entered the Olympics, because they are most likely going to lose.

If you are desperate to stay single, you will win at doing it. And after ten years, you will celebrate your 10th winning anniversary. But on the other hand if you are single and you are desperate to find a mate, you will do whatever is morally and spiritually healthy to find that special someone. Desperation will make you determined to do what it takes to win. In the positive sense, desperation does not mean you will do "anything". It means you will do all that it takes to accomplish the goal. It means that you are willing to do like the disciple Peter did when Jesus told him to step out of the boat. You will dare to be different and do what others are afraid to do and yet get results that they are not getting!

Desperate is defined to be without hope and have an extreme sense of Intensity. It also has synonyms for depression, low spirited, desolate or down. Let's be honest, since you have been single, have you ever experienced any of these single symptoms? Well, if you chose not to admit it, I will. I have felt depressed many days and felt down and low spirited. Not because of the weather, not because my family don't call and not because my bank account is low. I have felt down many days because I'm lonely and I want a companion.

Now please don't judge me or think low of me or think I need to pray more or get closer to Jesus. All those things I do and have done. But the truth is, the more I stay single, the more often I feel that sense of loneliness and desperation. It causes me to seek the will of God more and to seek a wife the more. Yet what I do not allow is to let it make me do (although constantly tempted) is to live immoral and with low standards to the point of having anyone at any cost. For how can I want a wife and seek women who want everything from a man and yet don't want a husband? I'm not stupid; there are women who want only sex and money. And if one is not careful you can easily find yourself in a bad situation where you are being used and not loved. That's called abuse!

The conclusion of the matter is; God's will is for you and me to have a mate. I write this and have made many attempts to get this message across simply because many singles don't realize this or believe this. They have been told that God wants them single. Yet nowhere in the Bible is that found. Although being single is for a season and not a lifetime career (there are exception, read Mathew 19). And then some believe in the waiting on the Lord philosophy, yet does it take God forever to get you married? Or maybe the choice is not up to God, but it's up to you and the one you choose!

This is where so many get off. They think that God is going to choose someone for them or just send them someone like a FED EX package and they just sign for it. Sorry, but that's not how it works. And if it did work that way you and so many other singles would not be boasting so many years of waiting on the Lord. If you listen to some, God's way will keep us single so long that the human population would decrease quickly. If this was the case it would take people 5 and ten years or longer to wait on God to send them someone. Yet when you read the scriptures, it did not work like that.

The fact of the matter is, it is YOUR responsibility to seek, search, make yourself available, be friendly and find a mate. It's like a game that God made the rules, but you have to make the moves in order to win. God works with our wills. And he can't force anyone to marry you. You have to convince them to do that and he will (and already has) bless the union.

Singles in the church are being crippled to stay single because they are being taught to wait on the Lord for a mate. And they just wait and wait and wait and they are still waiting and nothing has happened yet. But I'm convinced that they walked by and ignored opportunities because they were waiting on the will of God and not pursuing the will of God. Once you know the will of God, you don't have to wait on God to act on his will, JUST DO IT!

I can go on with this for pages, but to keep it simple, what are you doing to be prepared for your mate? And what are you doing to find that person? Are you leaving it up to God to do everything so you can avoid the responsibility of you making the decision?

If you want to be a career single, then that's your choice, these questions are not for you. And if you choose to be a career single, then stop complaining about the things that come with being single. Carry the load by yourself and don't blame God. But this is for those who want a partner to share their lives with.

Now the means and methods of God's will for us to have a mate is another ongoing discussion. But no doubt let's settle the fact that God wants you to have your heart's desire to have a loving mate. And if you will meditate on the scriptures I post below and act according to them, things will begin to change and you will no longer struggle with finding someone, but then you will start praying "Lord, which one!" Because the opportunities are endless and the choice is yours!

Scriptures for singles concerning marriage:

Genesis 2:18, 21-25

Genesis 1:26 - 28

Genesis 24

Genesis 29:15-23

Numbers 36:6

Eccl. 4:7-12

Proverbs 18:24

Proverbs 31:10-31

Mathew 19:4-12

Mathew 18:18-20

1 Corinthians 7:1-9

New Year Resolution

She was with him for 4 years and they neither lived together nor were they married. As I talked with her she told me that they are having sex and she wants to get married and he has been putting the decision off. So, she stated that as of January of the New Year she would move on (It was September at this time).

She talked to him about it and she waited. She has been with him faithfully for four years. She turned other guys down while being with him and showed herself totally faithful and the willingness to be his wife. Yet, they were playing boyfriend and girlfriend and they were in their early thirties. She clearly communicated to him that she wanted more, to take the relationship to the next level. And at the time she told me the story, she said, after telling him she was serious, he just wanted to wait and never gave her a response.

The problem here is; she never made any changes that will affect her life for the positive. She allowed him to hold up the growth of the relationship and she felt it was all up to him. You say, well she did change her mind about the situation. I don't know when she changed her mind about it. As far as I know she could have changed her mind about it 3 years ago and never did what she said she was going to do. This happens so often. People make resolutions year after year and don't carry them out.

The second problem is she is most likely with someone who takes her for granted and does not want a long term committed relationship with her. Maybe he just want sex and the time they spend together just to keep his loneliness at bay. Evidently he never communicated to her the desire for a lifelong commitment. But whatever the case, why was he not with her completely? Why was he giving her part time love and not his full time best?

It is common for women to want marriage more than men do, especially after the two have been together for a while. But sometimes the comfort of the relationship can make either one of them, or both, comfortable with where they are. If both are comfortable, that may not be a bad problem. Because they both are in agreement to be and stay where are. When one wants something opposite of the other, then that's when there is a problem brewing in the pot.

I hear story after story of those who go into a relationship with no intent purpose or goal. They want to test the waters or see where it goes. Yet in the less important affairs of life we don't operate like that. Do you just go to sleep to get up for work in the morning with no plan of action? No, you don't, you set an alarm clock and you go to bed at a certain time to get up early. When you go shopping, you plan what you need and want from the grocery store before you go. Some people go with a shopping list in writing and some go with it in their head. But either way, you never go the grocery store without having an idea of what you want.

It seems to me that we value relationships very high but we don't put the effort and time to build and plan for it to succeed at the beginning. This scenario of a lack of planning and expectation is so common that when you find someone who wants to know where this is going from the beginning. You think it's strange and as if he is rushing it. Just maybe he wants to make sure that both of you are on the same page. You may want a temporary thing and he may want a long term commitment. But if you go into it with the attitude of let's see where things will go. Then you have no plan for success. Commitment can't succeed without a plan of action in place.

Whether immediate or somewhere down the road, It does not take years for a man to know if she is the woman he wants for a long term commitment. He will spend months and years going along with things the way they are just enough to get by. While she keeps making New Year resolutions and each time she finds herself back to square one. She is trapped by his sex, his gifts, his money and the sweet things he does and says. But her problem is he can't show a life of commitment to give all that and some more to only her.

A New Year resolution is not going to make things better. A new way of thinking and a new set of actions will cause change. Do what you say and don't say what you are not willing to do. If you want what he is not willing to give you, then let him go. While he is gone you have the opportunity to spend a season of being single. And it gives you the opportunity to take your time to find someone else who will value you more than that!

Don't wait until a new year comes in before you take the steps to change. Change should start the moment you decide to do it. And until you actually do it, it's not change

Not Single, Not Married

She was a very a very attractive looking woman. She was a Brown skin black woman, about a little over five feet tall. When I first met her, I coughed up the nerve to tell her how beautiful she was. I said to her "you are the most beautiful woman here". Not that I lied, but at that time I just didn't see all the other women that worked there. Now I realize it was better to say she is one of the most beautiful women here. It sounds more sincere and less flattering.

Looking back as time went on I would walk over to her, to briefly say something nice to her, while she was busy working and I would be passing by her. My job at the plant was more mobile and all over the place. Her job was more stationary. So it gave me the liberty to stop by the machine she was stationed at and say hello or strike up a small conversation.

Now I'm the type who does not like to tread on another man's territory. It's not something I would like a guy to do to me so I don't want to reap in that area what I have sown. Therefore, one of the first things I like to find out early is if a woman is available, if she seems to be someone I'm interested in a relationship with her.

So, as I walked over to her work station, I thought of something I would say to her. There were many times I had to think quick because sometimes I would be so nervous to talk to her that I would lose my thoughts.

So one particular day I asked her if she was married, she replied in a very strange way that gave me a puzzled look. She said, "No, I'm not married", and then she replied, "And I'm not single". So I said to her (while being a little confused, yet understanding it clearly). Ok, I get it you have a man but you two are not married? She answered with a head nod and kept on working while looking up to see if anyone was watching us conversing. So I quickly went back to work. From that day on I would just politely say hello to her and only dealt with her on a casual friendly basis or only that which was work related.

In today's society there are more relationship statuses than there have ever been in history. In biblical times it was very simple you were either married, divorced, a virgin or whore or a concubine. Nowadays there is the girlfriend which is the modern day concubine. And then there is the non-married wife, who is the wife with no formal wedding of the traditional ring and license.

The table of relationship options is much larger today and yet much more confusing than it has ever been. But here is my question in the conclusion of all this:

Why do people avoid a relationship status or title, yet they function together in the role?"

Insecurity – The fear of it all

Insecurity is the emotional and mental manifestation of internal fear. Insecurity is the fear of losing something, not getting something or failing at something. When our needs are not met it creates a sense of insecurity. We all have insecurity in some way or another. Both men and women can be insecure.

It is not realistic to think that men are not supposed to be insecure. Men have needs and weaknesses just like a woman does. And if he goes long enough neglected or if he is rejected enough, he will become insecure. More and more he will withdraw and it will affect how he approaches whatever made him insecure.

Insecurity is not a bad thing for either sex. It's when we let those insecurities govern our lives and damage our trust. We must embrace and accept that everyone has insecurities and it is our loving responsibility to help love each other through those insecurities.

Single Simplicity

Being single has a way of bringing you to a place of simplicity where all things in your life should have started from the beginning. It was different when I was young and a single teenager. There was no real world responsibility, no children, no past relationship hurts and issues. When I was a single young man in my early twenties I didn't have the 'Baby Momma Drama" issues. I didn't have it bad. And I didn't feel like I had to live with urgency because age is catching up with me.

There is a big difference from being single and young lacking real world experience. And being single and older and having gone through so many experiences. The world is seen through a different set of glasses. The reality is when you are young; everything is an experiment that will bring you an experience. Also, the young mind sees the world like looking at television. If you don't like the movie, just change the channel. Or if the movie scares you, or you don't agree with it, just write it off as drama and unreal. The young mind has a way of excusing the reality of life by believing I can just escape that reality and make up my own.

When I was a young man I did live on my own in what is called rooming houses. In Newark, the city I grew up in, and all around New York. There were rooming houses. These were apartment buildings that were rented out as individual rooms. So if an apartment had three bedrooms that would usually rent for one family at about $600. (That was the late eighties and early nineties), they would make that three bedroom apartment in into rooms for rent. So if the landlord got 600. For it as an apartment, he could rent each room for 300. A month, and Get paid about 75 dollars a week. This method would increase his income to 900 dollars per month in one single apartment. So if he had 4 apartments, he would bring in 3,600 dollars of monthly income.

Now for the single person without a family or a couple without children, that is a simple and frugal way to live. You didn't have to pay any utilities and sometimes they would throw in some toilet tissue and cleaning supplies.

Life for me has had many challenges. It has been tough for me. But I can't complain because it has been tougher for many others and in comparison, I can say I have been blessed. I went through a very peaceful and sane divorce. There are those who went through hell in a miserable marriage and then suffered torment to get a divorce. My heart goes out to them and I can understand what it must be like to go through an emotional roller coaster ride time and time again.

The reality of life is that bad things do happen to us all and even the best of us. No good person gets married to get make their lives a living hell and divorce. Who do you know wants to be homeless, because their wife put them out. I don't know anyone who tries to destroy their marriage so they can be miserable for the rest of their life. These are all the trials and tribulations that life throws at us on our journey of living.

10 Reasons/excuses why

singles don't get married

1. A bad experience in a former relationship or divorce

I am willing to believe that this first reason is the number one reason why many are single. The result of having a bad experience in a past relationship has caused fear to evolve and the thought that they will fail again and they don't want to go through the shame.

2. I'm not ready

Many singles believe they are not ready for marriage. But the number one question I want to ask is "what makes a person ready for marriage?" Should you be a perfect person and well disciplined? Or do you need to be making a lot of money to take care of the person you are with? Now I do believe that a person should be at least 25 years old before they get married. And that's because of what I stated earlier about the brain being fully matured at the age of 25. Unless a person is not mature mentally, I can't see why they should not get married.

There are exceptions of course. Like abuse, traumatic experiences growing up and physical and mental illnesses and disabilities. But that is not where every single person is. Many of you reading this do not have many of those problems. And if you have had abuse and trauma in your past, marriage can be one of several means to help you get over and heal from those tragedies and abuse. And of course that would include marrying a person who is mature as well.

3. Waiting for the right one

The truth is the right one for you is the one you choose. No one can choose the right one for you. And that is all a choice you have to make. Be careful not to say you are waiting for the right one, yet you are really waiting for the perfect one. You want someone who has all his ducks in line and he has no red flags. You want a flawless person who can love you and make you happy for the rest of your life. I'm sorry to disappoint you but there is a slim chance that's going to ever happen. Every human has flaws. We all have different flaws, but we all have them. Those flaws will register as red lights to you. Those red lights will go off as soon as you get close to someone. So be careful not to look for that perfect one. But look for someone with good values, Integrity and a mature character.

4. Waiting on God to send someone

Here is the rude wake up call to many. God will not send you a mate and tell you "This is the one", simply because it violates God's word. But also he will never disregard what you want and the desires of your heart. You will never read anywhere in the Bible where God sent someone a mate.

5. I enjoy being alone

6. mental/emotional health issues

7. fear of failure

8. ego clash with men

9. children

10. They Keep men chasing them

Baby momma drama

Single parenting is the most tedious and difficult part of being single. It is a very demanding and time consuming task. The single parents who do their jobs well and with dedication, is to be highly praised and deserves the best blessings of God. Fact of the matter is, there is no greater task on earth than being a parent. And to be a single parent is even more difficult. I commend you for the love and dedicated determination you have. It takes a strong woman to love their children while getting over a broken relationship. Yet never allow the relationship damage to cause you to damage or neglect your child.

Even if the kid's other parent is a knuckle head or a b#%*, or the two of you can't see eye to eye in a relationship, don't let that hinder the relationship your kids can have with that other parent. Give your kids what they deserve even if you don't like that other parent.

For some, single parenting is not what they wanted. It was the result of a man or woman either walking off or leaving or divorce. For others it is the result of bad choices. And for some, they made up their mind they can raise their child alone. And there those who are single parents, due to the death of their mate. But whatever the cause or reason I want to take the time in this section to commend & encourage all the dedicated single parents

It is a marvelous duty and a privileged opportunity to raise a child. And to do it by alone takes more patience and character.

After all is said and done, when your kids grow up and they realize that you were a committed parent by yourself, it will help them appreciate you the more. You will be living proof that it can be if that's the bad hand they are played.

As me and a coworker was getting off from work we stopped at a gas station to get snacks and drinks. On our way in the store a car quickly pulls up in front of us. And it was two ladies who desperately needed help to pick up and install a washing machine.

So like young gentlemen as we are, we agreed to help her. So we went to Home Depot to pick the washer up. While her friend went in to pick the dryer up and my co-worker went with her. I and the other lady stood outside to get acquainted. We talked about looking for a mate, online dating and she shared her experience of falling in love with someone online whom she loved to read his post. She even warned me about "cat fishing". A term I never heard before then.

Later on we left home depot to follow her home. We carried her dryer up the stairs and installed it. While installing the dryer she stood around us and was sparking a conversation. Now I really don't like to get into deep conversations when I'm in the middle of doing something tedious and I'm tired from a long and hard days' work. So I admit I was a little tapped out and just wanted her to pay us and go home.

But women are relationship creatures. They love to talk and get to know a man. Besides we were all single and older adults.

But lo and behold she asked bot h me and my partner about our age, if we have children and our relationship status. When she asked me about my kids and I told her I have three kids, she asked me, "all three by the same mother?" With a little disgust inside of me, not so obviously shown (because I have heard it many times), I patiently looked at her and said, "yes, they are all by the same woman. And we were married for 9 years and my oldest son is ten." It was my way of volunteering more information to answer her other stereotypical black man thoughts/questions.

After she asked about my kids, she proceeded to ask me, "So who's fault was it for the divorce?" When she asked me I was attaching the water lines of the washing machine, so I turned around and looked at her and said, "It was both of our faults, I don't believe any relationship that ends is only one person faults." About a year after my divorce I settled the fact that I'm not blaming her anymore! I did not say that to her, just a side thought.

I continued to say to her, just as it takes two people to make a relationship, it takes two to break the relationship, even if it was just the other person making a decision to end it". And I left it at that and she gave a nod of her head and the look of "ok, interesting". And I left it at that and we went on to another discussion.

She was a very beautiful single woman, but when she asked for our contact information, I was already not interested in her, so I did not respond, but my friend left his information. She paid us and even took us to her piano and began to sing and play. It seemed she wanted us to stay longer, but we both were tired and my friend left his contact information and we said good night.

What did I get from that encounter?

First:

It's okay to ask the stereotypical questions, but be prepared to find out your assumptions about the opposite sex could be wrong!

Second:

If you want someone to take interest in you, don't approach them first with questions about their past, get to know who they are as a person first. Have casual conversations and not ask personal questions that many people don't feel comfortable sharing with someone they just met.

Third:

Don't talk too much. Learn how to dialogue and not monologue!

Section Two

Chapter 2

Satisfied

"Never go into a relationship looking to be in love before you marry that person. Look for commitment first. And when you are committed, the love will now have something to grow on.

Celebrate Singleness

By Chynah Doll Taylor copyright 2013

I have a question, how come no one celebrates being single? We celebrate birthdays, engagements, weddings, promotions, graduations, anniversaries etc. yet there are no parties or events to celebrate singlehood. Even the programs and movies we see time and time again on television are all about getting a man or maintaining a relationship that you are already in. Titles like "The Notebook", "Gone With The Wind" and "When Harry Met Sally" are popular all-time great favorites about finding that one great love. But if you look up movies about being single the most you will find are movies like "Fatal Attraction" or "War of the Roses" that just make you appreciate being single because of some of the crazies out there.

Some programs like, "Sex In the City" or "Girlfriends" feature strong, beautiful and powerful single women who hold their own. Every episode shows how they are enjoying their single lives for the most part yet most of them are still constantly in search of Mr. Right. All in all, I have concluded that society doesn't celebrate being single because it has simply not been imbedded in our minds as "the norm."

Truth is, there is a certain luxurious freedom that comes with being single. You are free to do whatever you like and you can come and go as you please while answering to absolutely no one. If you as a single person want to just jump up and take a week- long trip you can, without anyone's permission. If you want to purchase a new car or home, same thing applies. What if you have the desire to date multiple people? You have that option. Hopefully you will do it responsibly though and without breaking any hearts. Still, no one promotes the single lifestyle and all of its fabulosity. Everything that we celebrate in life is about the total opposite. We even have Valentine's Day, an actual holiday that celebrates love. And every year men go out buying the candy and flowers for their significant others like clockwork. But we all do it.

When our friends and family members get married, have birthday parties for their children or if someone graduates we are right there every time with our gift to help celebrate. If we took the time to actually calculate all of the money we spend celebrating these monumental moments in life we would probably be shocked by the amount of money we spend over the years. Yet nowhere in all of our many events is anyone celebrating singlehood. It is not celebrated that's why. If we never get married or have children there is a strong possibility that we will never be seen as gift worthy for staying single. Thank goodness we will still be able to qualify for a gift on our birthday though.

As women once we reach a certain age we are looked down upon if we are single. Labels like "Old Maid" are very common and the pressure to marry from family and friends can begin to make some women feel quite desperate to find a mate-any mate. Oftentimes it's not that we have never found love throughout the years. More often than not it just didn't work out for the long haul. Yet through it all from the time we are young girls to adulthood no one encourages us to just enjoy our single days and to live it up. We are made to feel that our lives are lacking and we are not progressing in life if we haven't met Mr. Right by a certain age. Eventually many women will settle for less than what/who they really want, thus entering into a marriage where they are not happy or satisfied. All of this, just to not be single.

Sure we all eventually want to find that great, fulfilling and everlasting love someday. But in the meantime, there is nothing wrong with just celebrating that time before that happens. When it's all about you and only you. That time period of just getting to know who you are and becoming the best you that you can be. Focus on yourself, reach some independent goals, and just love yourself in your single space. Being single certainly has many benefits, but the greatest is the celebration of you.

Author Chynah Doll Taylor is a native of Newark, New Jersey. "He Cheated, So Now What" is her second novel. She attended Shaw University in Raleigh, N.C. She is a veteran who proudly served in the U.S. Army. A multi-talented artist she is also a singer/songwriter/actress and has appeared in several movies. Ms. Taylor is a mother of two and currently resides in Atlanta, GA.

The power of agreement

An employer wants to know only two things before they decide to hire you. Are you qualified for the job and will you be committed to the job. That's the whole purpose of the job interview.

The interview process is to get you and the employer to agree if that's the company you want to work for and if you are the Right person for the position.

When you open a bank account, the bank will give you documents to sign and a statement of terms and conditions of your account. When you open your account, you have officially agreed to abide by those terms.

When you purchase a car, you pay a deposit and they sit with you to agree on the terms of your payments. They give you a bill of sale. It proves that you and that car dealer have made a legally binding agreement for you to drive and own or lease that vehicle.

The mortgage deed is a proof that you are the owner of your home. It is an agreement that you and the former owner have made together

These are all simple examples with sophisticated terms and procedures of agreement between two parties.

We sign documents, contracts and applications to agree with a second party to carry out whatever terms the two have agreed on.

As long as the contract or agreement is in accordance to local and federal laws, that document is fully enforceable. You are legally required to uphold your part of the agreement unless the other party defaults. Then the clause of the agreement that spells out the terms of failure to uphold your part becomes enforceable.

Finding a mate works the same as any other document or contract of agreement. The difference is we usually agree to be with someone by verbal agreement and If we get married, by a marriage license. The key thought I want you to see is that it all depends on what you and the other interest want.

Finding a mate is only as simple as finding someone to agree with you to be in a relationship with you. It is based on the power of agreement.

When you find yourself living A life full of decisions you do not make and regrets because you were in relationships you did not want, it is then that you liberty has been compromised and chances are you are being controlled and manipulated to be in that relationship.

If a relationship is going to work out for you, it is up to you to make it work out. The other person has a responsibility as well. But first put in overtime and cover all your bases. When you are on your duty then you can demand of your partner to step up to the plate.

It also starts at the genesis of the relationship. Spend time focusing on where the two of you agree and build on that. That's why communication is the most important part of starting a relationship. It simply brings the two of you into a verbal agreement of likes and dislikes and how to meet each other needs.

The more two are in agreement the easier it is to get along and to walk together. Where there is a stronger agreement on major issues and minor issues the more unity and harmony there will be. The problems occur when we disagree for the sake of having it our way.

Lesson Learned

She was tall and very fair skin. Her mother was white and her father was black. With the look of a model, she would turned the head of any man that passed by. She had flawless skin and beautiful hair.

When I met her I knew there was an instant attraction. I also knew that she was physically what I loved in a woman. Not that she was the only type of woman I liked, but she was one of my types. I liked the dark skin female just as much but on this particular day that I met her, she just happen to be a fair skin mixed chick that showed me some interest.

We exchanged numbers after talking at work for about two months. The first strange thing was that she would not answer her phone most of the time. The second strange thing was that she did not show up on our first date. Both of these caused me to be a little curious as well as cautious. But I went forward anyway.

Emotional Needs

The human mind and body is built to sustain itself with little help from the outside. It has chemicals and tools within itself to heal, restore and even recreate. Whenever those tools are damaged and those chemicals are depleted or overused, the body and mind goes into a tail spin of chaos.

Whenever we experience any form of negative emotional pressure, it makes us retreat within ourselves. We begin to internally breakdown. This leads to depression, apathy and anxiety. It is common to experience this when there is pain, suffering, abuse, the experience of losing a loved one or losing in a relationship.

Our human weakness is revealed by our emotional weaknesses. As soon as you think you are strong and you can handle it. You find yourself breaking down and crying or retreating into a cesspool of depression. The worst thing you can do when you experience pain is to hold it in. When you block those emotions that are supposed to be expressed, you cause your mind and your body to chemically change.

These chemicals (serotonin, estrogen, neurotransmitters, etc.) cause you to experience depression, anxiety, heart palpitations, nervousness and stress. If high volumes of these chemicals continue to flow through your body they begin to damage your brain by causing certain neurons to dysfunction and cause switches in your brain to turn off. This is what causes many mental illnesses and psychosomatic illnesses (sicknesses produced by the mind).

Emotional fulfillment is connected to our spiritual fulfillment. Our emotions are the expression of our spirits, our hearts. When we are not fulfilled spiritually, it affects us emotionally. The problem is most people think it's a physical need that will solve the problem. So they use physical things to fill that emotional gap. This is why people resort to drugs, alcohol and illicit sex. All these things are ways people seek to heal, cover and try to remove emotional pain and scars.

Love or Lust

How do you tell the difference between love or lust in a relationship? How do you know if a person really loves you or if they are there just for the sex and doing whatever it takes to please you to keep you?

Love has the glue of commitment that makes a person go the extra mile and stay while enjoying being with and meeting your needs at the same time. They make mistakes and you both will disagree and have some moments, whether heated or cold. But commitment will make the two of you stay and endure through it all. Lust on the other hand is based on sexual satisfaction. When the sex gets mundane, average and boring, the other person has lost interest. Lust is only committed to physical pleasure and when that physical pleasure is gone Lust has nothing to hold onto.

Love has far more genuine character qualities than lust. Love is there when all others fail, while the lustful are mostly there when sexual desire is at its peak. Yet lust fails to be committed when the feelings are gone. A person filled with lust finds it hard to stay faithful. So they go from relationship to relationship because they are always seeking a new and better sexual experience. The fact of the matter is they only want sex and they don't want a loving and committed relationship.

I have found that women are usually more relational focus while men on the other hand are more sexual focused. There is nothing wrong with that as long as neither side get off balance into extremes. Both men and women have different needs which affect their focal points. The problem occurs when the man sexual desire becomes perverted and extreme. It is then that he becomes a sexual monster. When a woman becomes too focused on just relationship, she will do things like neglect her husband need for sex to manipulate and control him to meet her relational needs of intimacy and emotional satisfaction. Both extremes are wrong and cause major relationship problems.

Why Do Men Cheat

Let me say this from the start; "a man does not get married to cheat on his woman". This is the majority and of course, there are exceptions. There are men who get an ego trip on being with one woman and yet having several sex partners. Most of these type of men never get married, don't want to or they don't stay married long. The average married man has the intent purpose of staying faithful to his wife.

If a man wants to cheat on his woman he will not get married! Again there are exceptions. The men who do make a decision to get married and have never made a conscious decision to stay faithful to their wife, are those men who marry for prestige, image, pressure and children. These men feel good about having their family and friends perceive them as a responsible monogamous and faithful man. They get the gratification of being a good man to co-workers family and friends. Yet The will run after the first woman that pays them some attention.

I am not saying that married men do not cheat and I dare not say most men who cheat are not married. To make such statement is like saying that all dogs bite because they all have teeth. Neither the first statement is true nor is the last. Sometimes we assume things based on the majority of our experiences and not on facts.

We assume that there is one reason all men cheat. A statement like that is very far-fetched and strongly false. There is not one reason alone why all men cheat. As there are different men in different situations and all men are not the same; likewise these different men cheat for a host of different reasons.

Women search for the answer of why men cheat by asking individual men and they get the one answer from that particular individual. If you ask a group of unfaithful men why do or did they cheat on their mate, I guarantee each one will give you a totally different answer and most of them will try to justify their reason. Women will argue with these men and refuse to believe their answer.

Many women believe that sex is the number one reason why men cheat. I do believe that sex is a major reason, but I do not think it is the only reason or the most popular reason. Married men cheat for different reasons than unmarried men who are living with a girlfriend. The truth is if a man will not marry you he is making sure he keeps his door open for other options in case the relationship does not work. And another rude awakening truth is, many men don't want marriage just so they can keep the door open for other opportunities to come along.

I think any man that decides to be with a woman and he refuses to close the doors and burn the bridge behind him, I don't believe he is totally committed. And it is the same with a woman as well.

Reason 1: For sexual diversity/curiosity

Reason 2: Physical Attraction

Reason 3: Relational Neglect

Reason 4: Revenge & Anger

Reason 5: Seduction & manipulation

Falling in Love

I do not believe in falling in love. I believe we grow in love. There is a big difference in the two. Falling in love is what we expect to happen all of a sudden and many times immediately in the beginning of the relationship. Falling in love is an expectation that we believe happens with time and no effort. I have had women say to me that they are not in love with their husband and they have been married for a few years. It shocks them at my response when I tell them that it's not surprising because love does not just appear at the beginning of the relationship. What you had at the beginning was infatuated ecstasy that was based on your desires, hormones and your sexuality. It's just that simple.

Never go into a relationship looking to be in love before you marry that person. Look for commitment first. And when you are committed the love will now have something to grow on. Just like a seed alone can't produce anything. That seed needs the ground, water and sunshine along with time to grow.

Love is the seed and the ground is commitment. Your words and your actions are like the water and the sunshine. And within time that seed with grow and produce an eternal harvest. If you have love without commitment it's like you have a seed with no ground to plant it in. The seed has everything in itself to produce, yet it does not have the correct environment to spring forth. Love needs an environment of commitment in order for love to start growing.

The beginning of a relationship does not start with love and neither does it start with commitment. Love grows out of our commitment. Commitment is made by our choices. But attraction is the start of it all. It's the first stage of two people coming together. Once that attraction sends signals to each other, then they spend time getting to know each other. And that's the stage where acquaintance develops into friendship. The stage of attraction is the stage where many never get past. They figure because they are attracted to the person, that's all they need to start the relationship. Not realizing that they will be attracted to almost anyone of the opposite sex.

But attraction alone is only chemistry and emotions. It does not have the substance to hold a relationship together.

Attraction is infatuation. It's all the outward bells and whistles that God made for a man and a woman to come together. It's our natural instincts in play. It is not something we necessarily can choose to turn off or on. That's why when you meet someone of the opposite sex you are turned on to the m immediately and you wonder why, and they are a total stranger. It's because your natural senses of attraction kicked in. Women get hot flashes sometimes or they are just drawn to a man like a magnet and don't understand. Men get nervous, sweat and their hormones begin to rise, causing a burst of testosterone and adrenaline at the same time. That's why men are very bold and creative when they meet you. That's why they have this glowing personality in the beginning.

Keep in mind, none of this is love or falling in love. The attraction phase can go on for weeks and even months, And yet many will think that they are in love

Part Time Lover

A full time relationship can eventually become a part time love affair. There are people who are e in a relationship with full time commitment yet with a part time lover. A part time love is not 100%love. It's just enough to get by for now

The single life can be a time for you to either prepare to be married or practice staying single. If your purpose is marriage, then you must develop habits that will enable you as a good marriage partner. The problem is most singles go into marriage with a single mindset and single habits. These habits is what cause major problems in a marriage. A marriage of two can't be sustained by two people living like they are single.

Most single habits are selfish habits. These habits developed naturally and they were the result of being single so long. Carrying selfish habits into a relationship is what kills the relationship before it can mature. Being single will naturally cause you to develop single habits. If you go shopping you shop for yourself and no one else. At bed time you share your bed space with only you. You live your life with all your major decisions for only you to benefit and advance you. By default that's understandable but by habit it then becomes a problem.

It takes more effort to change a habit that you have had for years. And if you are not conscious of your habits that can make it worse simply because you will do things you are not aware of and get results you really don't want and yet wonder why things are happening the way they are. Some things are as simple as look at your habits and start to recognize what they are.

To keep from casting judgment on you I will start with myself and the single habits I have dealt with and continue to deal with. I have habits such as wanting my things in a certain place and I'm not use to no one moving them to clean or to organize. I'm used to doing the cleaning and knowing where I put everything. So when I go to get it, I know exactly where it is.

When I was married, that habit caused chaos and arguments in my marriage. I was really frustrated with her because it was as if she was hiding my things from me. So I had to communicate to her the why and the how. She on the other hand was single for so many years that she was use to rearranging things and had no one to question her where something was.

Another example is when I go shopping. I like to get in get what I came for and leave. Women on the other hand like to look around and stroll and enjoy the moment. Being married for 10 years help me change that habit. Unless we already planned to do something immediately after shopping, I have learned to just walk with her and enjoy the moment. But in the beginning It's difficult because of the habit I developed

The perfect One

Finding the right one is easier than being the right one. Although you will never find the right one, you continue with determination to keep seeking, so it explains why you end up with the wrong one! The right one is only the one you choose. But if you choose the one for the purpose of meeting all your needs and not having qualities you don't like, then reality for love is not what you want. And disappointment after disappointment will always come. It's because you want to live out a fantasy of your mind.

Wake up or grow up (or both), life has many blessings in store for you. But you must come to grips with reality! The right one is you, so determine to be the right one, to make someone else want to get right, because they love you for being the right one.

Looking for that special someone to many of us is like shopping from store to store looking for that perfect discount. We get to the store that has the discounted price on that dress; just to find out they don't have our size. And then when we finally think we have a perfect deal, someone else purchased that we could have gotten the same item at another store, cheaper. The matrix is the time of a sale, the place of the sale and stock, as well as your size. When we get that perfect dress and we have worn it hundreds of times, we find the thrill is gone. When others see us wearing it and they are so impressed by its beauty. We just casually say "thank you", or we say something like, "oh, this old thing, I had it for years". Is what we call love the same as buying a dress on sale? Is it that which loses its thrill after a season of passion and ecstasy? Or is love deeper than that? Could it be that which I have just described is not love at all, but something else that precedes love? When we have the feelings, the chemistry and the other person looks good and talks good and smell good and do all the good things, we believe that is the right person and we are in love.

But hold on now, don't move so soon. One thing we can be sure to eliminate is the fact that it is not love at all. Now don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that you should not look for love in a relationship. But what I am suggesting is that love does not appear so soon and so immature, it's not that cheap. What you are experiencing is infatuation and the process of physical attraction.

So in the heat of the moment, that is the right one for you. And no one can tell you any different. There is nothing about your experience that is based on love. Love is not that easy to come by and it's not a cheap commodity that you can find anywhere. Love only comes by growth. Not even by time alone.

From that moment on you don't see that person's flaws or weaknesses. They are absolutely the perfect one. You overlook the things that would normally annoy you and you just keep the relationship moving

The thrill is gone

BB King, one of the greatest blues and jazz musicians in history. He wrote the legendary song "The thrill is gone". For me I always hated the thought of making love to a woman and after the sex she leaves me with all those feelings and desires to want her more. When the thrill is gone, what else is there? Was it just another affair and you move on like it was just to get your pleasure off? Is not sex more than just a temporary thrill?

How important is sex to you? Is it least important to communication, intimacy or friendship? Or all they all equal in importance and require proper balance? Sometimes we can downplay sex as just a good thrill to gratify our selfish desires. But when we use sex for our own selfishness, we abuse sex and therefore abuse our partner in the process!

What should a person do when the sex has reached its peak and the thrill is gone? What's next? Bring a 3rd person in the bedroom? No, a third person is not going to make things better it will only complicate things and cause a demise of the relationship. That's where the communication grows. .Ask each other their likes .Try new things and boost up the sexiness.

The answer to this question can really solve many relationship problems that surround sexual gratification!

Lust, love & lies

Sex is a number one major factor in a relationship. It stands first of importance to money and children. You can't ignore it and you can't try to dance around it. And in this section I want to be real and raw about the truth about singles and our sexuality.

A normal healthy person has sexual desires that come naturally with growing older. And the older you get the stronger that desire increases until it peaks at a certain age and begin to decline. Young people under the age of thirty have less of a sex drive than those in their thirties. The roaring thirties are when the sex drive starts to kick in like an unstoppable engine. It pours like a roaring waterfall. And burns like a fire out of control.

For women, it really affects their brain, their emotions and their whole body. Men it affects their thinking their attitude and their judgment. Women get sexual impulses without being touched by a man. And she don't need a visual to be turned on, her vagina will pulsate and even lubricate without the touch of a man. She gets hot not for anything other than the need to be penetrated by the penis of a man.

Her body is engineered for the pleasure of a man sexually. It can be so strong a desire that single women get afraid to be around certain men when she is hot. Because she will want to have sex with a man she usually would not be attracted to. Her sexual impulses can make her lose control.

When a man is in heat he will hunt for sex. His desire for sex shifts from a want to a need. Women really take for granted how much a man needs sex. Sometimes our need for sex perplexes women. The reason she is so perplexed is because her sex drive is like a light switch. It goes on and then she can turn it off. But his sex drive is more like the power supplied to the light switch. It's always there. It's called the hot wire. And if you are working with an outlet, you have to be careful how you handle the hot wire, or you can be electrocuted. Men don't need to get ready for sex, they stay in a position that when a woman wants he is ready. He don't need a warm up or all the foreplay that she needs to get in heat.

There is so much sex that goes on between many yet so little understanding of each other sexually. Women really think that there is something wrong with a man with a high sex drive. And men think that a woman who is a freak and desires a lot of sex that something must wrong with her. Yet they want a woman who is in touch with her sexual freaky side and has no limitations. Most men have only known prostitutes or sexually loose women to be like this. Yet they are shocked when they a woman who is not sleeping around and she is a freak.

It's not until two people who have the same sexual desires come together and realize that they are normal, it's just there is not a whole lot of people who can or want to meet that high sexual drive.

When you have a high sex drive and you want it all the time, you are looked upon as being perverted or lustful. And yet the ones who will title you as such are older and they will tell you stories of how their sex drive was out of control when they were your age. Yet the truth is their drive has declined and so they find it easier to tell you how you need to deal worth it. But when they were where you are they didn't deal with it the way they are advising you.

Sex has become so perverted in today's society that when someone has a healthy strong sex drive, they are judged as something is wrong with them. Perversion corrupts and undermines the pure. When God made sex, he made it pure. It was the devil and man that perverted and exploited sex.

10 ways to enjoy being single

1. Choose to enjoy being single

2. Let go - past hurts, regrets, mistakes

3. Become content - stop striving to get more money and things

4. Have fun- have a hobby, play sports, dance, go out, play games, travel

5. Maintain healthy relationships – don't burn bridges. Keep positive people close to you and spend quality time with those you love and they love you.

6. Take care of you - take care of your body by eating right and exercise. Do daily things to relax and distress

7. Be a giver – Stingy and selfish will make you a terrible mate

8. Encourage & inspire others- Again if you can't or don't practice it being single, you will most likely not do it as a habit when married.

9. Consistently do something new

10. Pray & read the bible daily

Keep in mind that all the above are character qualities that if practiced as a single will prepare you for a mate and make you a better lover in a relationship!

Too picky

You can be a person with standards but if you have high standards in the selection of a mate, it will make it harder for you to find someone to please you. The longer your list is the less your market is. In other words, the more things you have on your list of wants of the opposite sex, the smaller your list of candidates will get. And the smaller your list of candidates, the harder it will be to find or keep someone to be with you.

Don't be too picky about the person you want to be with. I'm not saying just choose to be with anyone. But keep things simple. Look for certain character qualities and less physical features. Focus on the person's character and not their money or the material things they have. All those things will not make a relationship better. They will only make you comfortable with someone you don't like to be with. And there are a lot of people who are comfortable with someone they don't like to be with.

Being too picky is having standards that are so high that you find yourself in and out of relationships and single for long periods of time because you make a person feel like no matter what they do or how much they do for you, it's not enough.

High Standards

My mother was a very organized and clean woman. She kept the house clean every day consistently. She taught us how to do everything she could do when it came to keeping a house clean. I grew up knowing how to do everything in a home that a woman usually does. From cooking to detail cleaning, laundry, shopping, decorating & sewing.

My mother grew up working in a restaurant and working for rich whites cleaning their homes. So her standard of cleaning was as high as the military. She worked for very high class southern whites. And just as in the military, her cleaning would always pass a white glove test. When you came to our house it was like a museum all the time. When we had special guest or random family members that came by, my mother never had to run around cleaning the house like a chicken with his head cut off. Our home stay cleaned every day because she did daily morning and late night cleaning to keep it well maintained.

By twelve noon, there was not one bed in the house not made up. There was not one draw or closet that didn't have clothes, sheets and blankets folded. The kitchen was immaculate and the living room was always impressive. As the saying goes, you could eat off my mother's floor.

Growing up in A home with my mother having such high standards and demanding the same from us, made me grow up expecting the same standards from every woman I knew. In my young mind it was just logical that if a woman was not as clean as my mom, or close to it, maybe something is wrong with her. My sisters were just like my mother and it flowed down to my nieces as well.

So I was surrounded by very clean women all my life. I never seen a woman in my family leaves her unclean tampons in the garbage, I never remember seeing them at all growing up. I never smelled a bad odor from my mother or any of my sisters. Never have I seen my mother or my sisters with dirty feet of bad smelling feet. And odors were never in our home. So this made me think that all women are either like them or should be like them.

Overall, they set the gauge for me of how clean a woman should be. As expected it affected the way I related to my wife. She was nine years younger than me and never raised kids (not even baby sit) she never cleaned a house (She grew up with a housekeeper). So naturally it created problems which I will not go into details. But as I stayed married to her I leaned to develop patience although it was difficult. There were some things I had to accept and there things I communicated and expected.

It also gave me a realistic view of myself and to confront myself on some areas I needed to change and take the focus off her and what she needed to change. In one particular sense my high standards caused me to divorce my wife. It was those high standards that kept me frustrated and constantly complaining because she was not as clean as I believed a woman should be.

At one time I felt she was incapable of meeting my demands. Now that I look back on it, I realize how insensitive and too demanding I really was. I'm not saying that the demise of the relationship was only my fault nor am I excusing her. I'm just taking responsibility for my actions. And I leave the rest for her to do the same. If I'm going to tell the story I think it is appropriate to tell my part.

Living with my own high demands being married is one thing, when you start getting on your own nerves, that's another ball game. Sometimes people with high demands stress themselves out and frustrate themselves. The truth is they fail to always meet their own demands and high expectations. That's why may people who have high standards and are perfectionist are some of the meanest people you will ever meet. They want everybody to live to their high standards. And when others don't measure up they get angry and make others feel like they are inadequate and inferior.

Now that I am single I'm learning that with many things it's okay to just let my hair down and stop being so rigid. As a single father I had to accept my kids are kids and not adults. So i had to make sure I'm giving them liberty and not demanding they be mature before their time.

I accepted that it's okay for my two year old to jump on the bed and its okay to give my ten year old to use the TV remote and trust that I taught him to know what to watch and what not to. I had to accept the fact that kids drop food and make a mess. When it comes to finding a mate, those of us with high standards tend to apply all the same rules. We want the best person in the world. This person has to look good and we dare not settle for average. We want someone with a high paying job and who talks well and has their stuff together. We have standard and we refuse to lower it. But just as I pushed my wife away because of my high standards, you could be rejecting a good potential mate because of your high standards. No one feel to like they are not good enough to be with you. And even when you find someone you can push them away by making them feel they can't meet your demands

What's The Rush?

Being single can have just as many challenges as the marriage life. If you think that when you get married that your problems are over, in some cases, you are right. Yet on the other hand that may not be true. There are two sides of this same coin, having two different images. The reality is, when you get married you have traded for a different set of problems. Getting married will solve your single problems but it will bring on married problems. It's just a matter of understanding what those problems are and how to handle them. That's why it's important that while you are single you educate yourself as much as you can about marriage before you get married and during the course of your marriage.

Three problems that all singles who desire marriage face are: loneliness, sex, and time. Marriage is the obvious solution to all these three problems. What I mean by time is the fact that you are getting older and the longer you stay single and the older you get, the harder it becomes to finding a mate. Compound that equation with going through a divorce, a bad relationship or abuse and having multiple kids. It makes it even the more difficult to step out into a new relationship. I have talked to some singles who admit they don't even want to date because they were in a relationship for so long that they don't know how to date.

The reason dating is so difficult for many older singles is because it's something they have not done in a very long time. It's as if they are out of touch with the world of meeting someone, dating and falling in love. It starts to feel awkward. And many find themselves complacent and set in their ways. This is especially true for those who were married for many years and are divorced.

If you were married to one person for five years or more and you were faithful to only that person, then dating would be a challenge after breaking up and being single for a while. Yes you would be out of touch with the single life. So now here you are with all these perplexing challenges. The question is how do you go from being single to getting married and yet avoid the complications of the process? The answer that I propose that question is that you really can't avoid the complicated process you have to go through it and deal with it.

When I speak of the complications I mean the dating, the selection of the right one, the risk of rejection, sexual gratification and the fear of it all. Abuse and marital neglect can cause you to withdraw from relationships. I don't think there is a single person in this galaxy who immediately recovers from an abusive relationship and comes out okay. After all these issues, why would someone be in a rush to get married or why would someone want to quickly marry someone who has been through so much. In the other hand there are many who have been through so much negative in their life that they cannot see any positive in a relationship. Those who have been traumatized in a bad relationship or grew up seeing a really horrifying relationship with their parents are more likely to hold back from going into a relationship so soon. Their minds are filled with negative images that has made them fearful that their marriage will be just like their parents. It's as if they grew up living a real horror movie in their home

Your love potential

Your love potential is your hidden ability to love unlike you ever loved before.

If you only reap what you sow. What if you sowed the kind of love you want? The kind of love you have never imagined you could give but only imagined receiving.

Your ability to do something you are capable of doing yet you have never done is your potential. Can you love more than you have loved before? How deep can you love the next person that comes in your life? Can you love him/her more than you loved the last person you were in a relationship with?

In order to do that you must go through a process of evaluation and understanding. Evaluate how you failed in your past relationship and what you need to do to improve. And then you must understand how the other wants and needs to be loved. You have to get in touch with the others persons love language and speak that language to him/her.

The attractive

According to what she told me he walks up to her and he says "you have a very nice personality", she responded, with a thank you and continued on her way. She told me this scenario with a puzzled look on her face. She asked what do you think about it if he doesn't even know me, we never talked before and he is new here (at the job)? To a woman a scenario like this is confusing yet to a man it is common and clearly understood. So I explained to her what the real deal was.

This was from a male perspective and based on my own experience. I told her that she is a very physically attractive woman. And when I first started working here I was first attracted to you because of your appearance. I told her that you have a very attractive body. But now that I know you after a year, i can truly say you are a really sweet young lady and you have a good personality as well.

I went on to explain to her; when men see you, they like what they see although they don't know you. So they have to figure out a way to get your attention. So many times we men will say things to a woman without thinking. That's the adrenaline and testosterone at work that affects our thinking. And it can even affect our memory.

It is common for us men to act or respond without thinking, not realizing that women always think in ways we don't. Women can see where were coming from a half mile away. And if we say something that is a clear attempt to hide our motives, many women will call us on the carpet and expose us.

That's why it pays to have an honest and clear approach with a woman from the beginning. The reality women must understand is that a man is first attracted to a woman's outward before he is attracted to that which he can't see and that is her character and personality. It's wrong for a man to only want your body and lack interest in you. And that will show very early, even by those first conversations. But on the balanced side it is a manly quality for him to be initially drawn to you because of your looks.

Never make men feel like something is wrong because they were first attracted to the way you look. His eyes will turn like a cart wheel when he sees a woman with a very sexy body. This is a natural phenomenon. And as women you must learn to accept that. It does not mean that all men only want you for your body or only sex. But it does mean that you have the power to attract a man and it's a natural God given blessing. So embrace it, don't abuse it or exploit it. And don't let anyone else exploit or prostitute you for your sexuality.

If you want a man to find you far more attractive than just the outside of you, then develop your personality to be more attractive. Do things like smile more often. Be more friendly, show genuine interest in others. Become a good conversationalist. Encourage and talk positive. Refuse to have a negative and critical attitude. These are all characteristics of a sweet and warm personality. Every man wants a woman who not only looks good, but she has a great personality. Beyond the superficial and of course the balance on the other side of the scale is, outward body features are not all that important in a relationship.

You may not look as outstanding or as sexy as others. But the truth is, the inner qualities you possess carry far more weight than what you look like on the outside. Yes, demand that someone appreciate you for who you are and move beyond the outer limits of your body.

If a man is turned off from you because you have small breast and a flat butt, so what, that's his loss. He is too narrow minded to get to know you and appreciate you for who you are. See as a good rejection. And he saved you from wasting your time with someone who is superficial as he is. This is one instance where rejection works on your behalf. Don't feel like you have to twist and confirm to look extremely good just to please the opposite sex. Learn to be comfortable with how God made you and let no one try to make you feel you are inferior because you don't look good enough.

Your character and personality has far more value than the superficial. A good man does not need a superficial woman. And a good woman does not need a superficial man. It's like trying to drive a car with no wheels. The engine, transmission and everything you need to drive is there. But you will only get frustrated trying to drive with no wheels. You need to have the essential elements to drive that car and wheels is one of them

She flaunts - He chase

A woman is physically built and designed to attract a man. Her breast was made primarily for the man and secondary for her baby to beast feed. Her shape and build is to get a man's attention and desire her. She has hips with a walk that pleases his sight. Her hair makes a man pay her some attention. And her appearance from head to toe is designed to turn a man on and want her. She does not have to say anything to him. All she has to do is walk by him and it's as if magic has taken place.

Pheromones are hormones in both men and women that have one main purpose and that is to sexually make the two desires each other. Pheromones are chemicals in our body that are released exclusively to excite the body as if alerting it to attract to that person. They are smelled in our noses and turn a switch on in our brain and immediately cause sexual arousal.

God spared no expense when he made man and woman to be attracted. He put everything in us to make it automatically happen, even beyond our control and

understanding. So if there are any problems of us being attracted to the opposite sex it's usually our choices or very seldom a genetic or physiological problem, which is a very low population percent.

The aggressive nature in men is the result of the hormone testosterone. It makes men feel strong, confident and bold. Women have testosterone, but much less than men. This hormone is what makes a man want to chase a woman.

The pheromone of the woman as well as her physical appearance will cause a man to go into a frenzy. He is now affected both psychologically and physically to be drawn to her like a magnet.

Ladies, understand that me are visual. We are stimulated by what we see. Take the time to be at your best of appearance if you want to attract a man. And it's good to always wear a good perfume and make sure your hair is always looking good. Keep your nails and toes clean and well-polished. All men love a well-kept, clean and good smelling woman. Just don't overdo it. Too much of anything is not good. Too much makeup can confuse men. Because they are now wondering what you really look like. Too much perfume can stink. And too much hair, weave, extension, or wig, can sometimes look so unreal. And I'm for sure you want your hairstyle, whether real or fake, to look good. So take the time to look appealing.

And if you don't want the attention, it's okay to look moderate and simple. No makeup on does not signify you are not appealing to a man. Some men (like me) prefer a woman without makeup, unless she really needs it.

Priorities:

What do you want?

It surprises me how so many singles do not know what they want in a marriage or in a mate. Some have an unrealistic list of desires for the perfect flawless man or woman and some have a list that's so small until you wonder if they will take any one that comes along. I don't think you should have too long of a list (50 things I need & want in a man), yet I don't think you should be too simple either (a man with some money, that's all). Balance is the key and a realistic perspective is necessary as well.

It's important to know what you want in a person as well as know what you don't want. Just be careful not to be vain and materialistic in your options. Don't have a set of wants that are mostly outward natural things that change. A man can always change his clothes, his job, his shoes, his career and his education status as well as where he lives and what he drives. And if he does not have a car he can get one. Money and material things change like the weather, so if you build your relationship on those things, it will become an unstable relationship.

As soon as financial hard times come you will be ready to jump ship simply because you made your decision on money matters and material things. The outward appearance of a person changes as well. On the other hand if you put all your efforts in choosing the person who has all the best physical features, you could end up in an unstable relationship as well. You can't tell a person's character by what they look like on the outside and you can't tell their character by their money or material things.

Character and Habits

A person's character is what will hold up in the tough times. If they drive the best car in the world and yet lack integrity, there will be problems. That's if you are a person of Integrity. And Integrity is simply, wanting to do the right thing the right way as much as you possibly can. Integrity is about keeping your word and respecting others word as well. Integrity shows in how you treat a person and how you deal with people when it comes to money and business.

If the person you are dating or considering for marriage lacks the character of Integrity, it's a strong sign to reconsider. And let me say this, I'm not talking about mistakes or a few times they have messes up. I'm speaking of habits they lack that are not habits of Integrity. They have a bad habit of not keeping their word, not showing up on time. They may have a habit of lying. You notice that when they are the phone they are telling obvious lies ("I'm at my sister house", when they are out at a restaurant with you). The habit of Integrity is what you want to look for in a potential mate, and not necessarily perfection or a person who is flawless. But look for those things they do by choice.

Do you want a boyfriend, a friend or a husband? In terms of society today these three are different.

Single satisfied

Objective: think outside the box. Make radical moves that will cause you to get immediate results that you desire. This method takes courage and boldness. It's the mindset of risk.

High risk can yield high rewards. Only those who take those risks experience the uncommon side of life. That is the side of life that the average person never gets to see. The

Closest they come to is watching it on TV or watching someone else live it.

There is an aspect of the single lifestyle that can afford risk. But keep in mind, the single person stand at a place where there are more consequences to a risky lifestyle. The single person lives to himself and for himself. Which alone that has a risk factor. But I want to deliberate on the positive side of the risk taken on being a single man or woman.

Being alone definitely has a purpose and that purpose should not be to stay alone. It should be a preparation stage to unite with someone of common faith.

But to live a maximized single life you must be willing to do what the average single person does not do. That's where the risk comes in at, the fact that you are willing to take the risk of being different. Yes being different is risky.

Heartbreak

Experiencing heartbreak from a broken relationship is like having heartburn and a headache both at the same time. The tears cannot fully express the pain on the inside. What make it worse are the confused emotions you go through. First it's pain, and then you sit with a million unanswered questions that begin with "why". After you don't get the answers you want, anger sets in. You don't know if you should try to reconcile or move on. Should you forgive or fight. You ask "is it worth it"? And for some of us, we can't afford not to lose this person we love.

If you really didn't love hard you probably wouldn't feel this way. But because you put all your eggs in one basket, you now feel devastated, disappointed and like you are dying. Revenge and rage resides all in the same place. How could I have been so stupid? You say to yourself, and when you're young and so called in love, it hits harder than a brick upside your head.

Now at this place your weaknesses are undeniable and you realize that your justified wrong actions have caused you failure. If we reconcile I can just shake it off, get back on track and fix thing. But there is where the confusion is. It does not look like there will be any reconciliation. Yet on the other hand you believe for the best and you trust God for better.

After a week, you wait and then you look up and it's six months later and still nothing has changed. Time has helped you come face to face with reality and sect he truth.

This is a cycle that the one who was truly committed go through. If you didn't care about the relationship, you would have not waited a week or six months. The careless attitude would not even think of reconciliation. But love and commitment stands the test of time and is willing to weather the storms.

It's not easy loving someone who has grown cold towards you. It seems the more you try to love them the further they drift away from you. What do you do when you put 150% into the relationship and they only put 10% in?

Computer Love

Finding the right one on social sights is quite interesting and exciting. An adventure that some fear and some take on like a bull! Im not against computer love at all. But I don't think it's the best way to meet people and I don't think it's totally unsafe. For many of the old school, as we call them, it's just something new. The computer world is new to them and so social sites, is something they have never tried before.

Can you really love someone you don't know? The answer to this question is answered when we consider the fact that love is a growing process and not an instant moment of emotional ecstasy. Love is revealed when you know two things about a person, the good things and the bad things. If you are committed to someone even after you know their flaws and weaknesses then that's when love will begin to develop. Until then it's all based on emotions and physical feelings.

So when you meet someone on a social sight online, I don't care pretty the face they have and it does not matter how long you have chatted with them. You will never fall in love with them until you know them outside of the social sight world.

With the rise of social sites, online dating and social networking came a whole generation who have adapted to a pseudo digital love. Social site have created a fantasy kind of love that is only expressed by words and pictures on a computer screen. This is why great care of wisdom must be taken when searching online for a mate using the free social sites.

Ten possible reasons you are still single

1. You're never alone

2. You talk too much

3. You think backward

4. You live in the past

5. You are hard to satisfy

6. You are too selfish

7. You don't understand the opposite sex

8. You choose to be single

10. You are too independent or dependent

11. You pass up good opportunities

12. You dress carelessly

13. You follow advice of singles that are just like you

14. You let your past failures hinder you

10 keys to stay a single woman

1 - Post no pictures of yourself on facebook, (clue - men are visual, duh!)

2 - When a man shows interest, make him wait a week or longer before you respond to him. Besides, you're the only woman in the world, so he will wait!

3. Come off with attitude. Show a man that you have been hurt and you are not about games, do it with an attitude. See you in singlehood!

4.- Wait on the Lord to send you a man - Clue, has it worked yet?

5. - Stay around your girlfriends and others so a man will never see you by yourself. This will never allow him to approach you to talk to alone.

6. - Focus, meditate and chant "I don't need a man, I got Jesus" or "Jesus is my husband"

7. - Treat men like all men are like the men that dogged you out

8. - Go meet men at a bar or a club and make sure both of you are drunk, because when you get sober, the real people will show and you are on your way to singlehood!

9. - Figure out ways to use a man for money and sex, because when they figure you out, they will either flip the script and use you or leave you, and you are back to singlehood.

10.- Give any man you want all the sex and require no commitment. If he can get in and get out and you are just another option, say hello to singlehood!

Love at first sight

Love never comes by sight. Love is not sensual, it is spiritual. The five senses can't manifest love. It has to come from the heart. Infatuation, charm, admiration, attraction and lust come by sight, sound and touch. But love is developed by time with another person. Love supersedes anything natural.

Love is like a seed in the ground, the seed is a tree. But you will never see it or know it until after it's been hidden and allowed to grow up. The seed goes through seasons and then it grows up by time and develops to maturity. If we want a loving relationship we must let love grow and develop and we can't do things that hinder that growth.

Things like; selfishly pulling the seed up because we want our apples now and we don't want to wait. Or we want all the apples to ourselves so we put a fence around the tree to keep our mate out. Love takes time to grow. When God told Adam and Eve, the two shall become one. Notice carefully what he didn't say: "The two are one". He did not make Adam and Eve as one. He made them to "become one".

The words "shall" and "become" signifies the future and a progressive time period. Young newlyweds think that in the beginning things are supposed to go smooth and you are not supposed to have any problems. On the contrary, you are supposed to have problems for the first five years of your relationship. Those years are the oneness years, the time when the two of you are becoming one. It's when your love is growing. When you appreciate and grown to forgive, respect and honor your mate after years of hard times, then you will know if you are in love then. Love is not cheap and it doesn't come easy, you have to earn it and develop it. So you grow in love and not fall in love. You don't have love at first sight, you develop love by time

The 5 most unattractive things

a woman can do

1. Talk too much

My sisters, yes men love to listen to you and they love to hear your lovely voice. But please have mercy on men. Our attention span is shorter than yours so please talk less. Say more throughout the day in smaller conversations. I'm not saying talk for 1 minute every two hours. But find out when he is at his listening best. Remember if you give him your heart, he will give you his ear. But if you talk his ear off, he may give you his hand.

2. Complain too much

I want you to notice I said "too much". Complaining has its place and it is a natural part of a growing relationship. But if you complain chronically about even the smallest things, then where there was a small complaint will turn into a major relationship disaster. A man likes to focus on solutions and not problems. Even when he can't solve the problem, it is your responsibility as his woman to help him find the solution. When you constantly complain you are as if throwing the problems at him and not helping him with solutions. Help your man find the solutions and talk more about the solutions than complain about the problems.

3. Have an offensive body odor

My personal experience with women is one of superb cleanliness and sweet smells. Growing up I never smelled a bad odor from my mother or any of my two sisters. They were very clean women. So for me it is quite a turn off to smell a woman with an offensive odor. But talking to a much older woman years ago, she told me how her husband had that problem with her and it contributed to her divorce. Women the key to making a man love to be around you and under you most of the time is by smelling good all the time. It does not mean you have to wear perfume all the time. But make sure you take a good bath or shower before and after sex. And make sure after a workout or long walk or run. Let your man know you care by not being careless about your body. A man wants his woman to look good and smell good.

4. Look tacky all day

If a man goes to work and all day he sees women who are well dressed, hair well done, smelling good and he comes home and always sees his woman on the opposite end, it will affect his attraction very strongly. Let him see your best side at least five times a week. Get up before he does in the morning sometimes and give him a great look before he leaves or get home before he does and showcase in front of him. But whatever you do, don't let him see you around the house majority of the times looking tacky. Men are visual and you must protect his vision of you.

5. Be overaggressive and Loud

I grew up in the ghetto and I have seen so many young and older women who were very loud and aggressive. They were on my list of women i will never want to marry. As I got older It never changed. I don't think I speak only for myself. No man wants a woman who down talks him, out talks him, over talks him, and puts on an act of aggressiveness. My sisters, we love soft spoken and mild women. Here is a secret: you will win him over every time if you approach him as the honey that attracts bees than the vinegar. Men are won over by a tender and sweet woman, not a loud and angry woman.

6. Have a negative attitude

Struggling with our sexuality

We fail to realize that we are not dealing with homosexuality, perversion (pornography), lesbianism or whoredom (sleeping around with multiple same sex partners); But what we all have in common is WE ALL STRUGGLE WITH OUR HUMAN SEXUALITY; My personal sexual struggle has been with women, therefore I have no right to condemn the gay community, because if God did not deliver me, the devil would have had me bound by every other sexual perversion. Therefore I live by the grace of God.

Listening to a panel of former lesbians and gay men, as one woman shared her experience of being touched by a woman as a kid. I began to think of my own past and how I was molested at the age of 10 by a 18 year old girl. It never occurred to me that I was violated as a kid and raped of my childhood innocence. For years I struggled with my male sexuality to both extremes, of celibacy to being a male whore. Not selling my body or being gay, none of that at all. But I did struggle with sleeping around and having the desire to just go after women only for sex.

A male whore is a man who sleeps with more than one woman and does so only for sexual gratification; the same is so with a woman whore. Although we have traditionally related the word whore to a woman it is not just women who are whores, but every woman who is a whore, slept with a man. Well that man is just as much a whore as she is. We think that a whore is a woman that sells her body for sex. But whether she sell it or gives it free, she is still sleeping with multiple men and that's what makes her or him a whore.

I was exposed to pornography before I was eleven years old and about the time I became 13 I was sexually active with my little girlfriends. It seems that before I turned 13 the stage was already set for me to struggle with my sexuality for the rest of my life. I remember I had a girlfriend at 11 years old. And we would always hang out together with her parents and i would come downstairs and play with her when her parents were home. It seems to me that her parents really trusted us together.

Then one day i came downstairs to play with her as usual and i remember her parents were in their bedroom with the door closed. She asked me to come into her room and she closed the door and lay on her bed with her clothes off and kept asking me to lets "do it'. I remember being so scared because her parents really trusted me and besides they were in the next room. I kept telling her "no, your parents are in the room and they might catch us". She kept insisting and I refused.

It is quite obvious that she knew what her parents were doing in the room and she wanted to do the same thing at the same time.

This experience took place before I experienced another later sexual experience with two twin sisters who lived upstairs and they were much older than me and my brothers, which they had sex with the four of us.

I remember growing up hearing my mother telling people for so many years about taking my brothers to the doctor and how she found out that at 12 years old they were diagnosed with an STD. For years I never told her that one of the sisters I had sex with too (not the one with the (STD). It wasn't until I was in my thirties that I told this too my mother. I went for years never talking about it and going along as if it was normal and common. Not realizing that those experiences set the stage for my sexual explorations and struggles with pornography and women. And notice I said woman. My first experience was with an older girl who was 18 when i was ten.

I never had a desire for men or kids. To me it was the most shameful, low down thing I could do. But all my sexual desires and struggles were strongly connected to my past experiences. I struggled with pornography, yet when I was about 6 years old I remember walking into the room and watching my uncle and my cousins watching a porn movie on the old reel to reel, that was before the VCR, cable TV, or DVD's. As I stood there they watched it like zombies and never told me to leave. That was the first porno experience I had.

There is so much I can share on this, but so little time. But progressively I will share more. But I conclude by saying that you must realize that If you do not get a hold of your sexual perversion, your children will become the victims of the demons that you dance with. I realized that if I did not determine to conquer the spirit of lust in my life it would destroy my home and my children. I had to stop watching porn with my wife while we were having sex.

Although she innocently thought it made her enjoy it more, I knew it made me and her want to have sex with others. My journey has lead me to realize that I had to do whatever it takes to stop this lust driven lifestyle, even it called for me finding a new wife that would be able to help me overcome it and not indulge in it with me... (to be continued in part 2)

Bad relationship advice

He was unemployed and she was too. She put him out. Yet he knew that she was receiving outside support and counsel from someone, but he didn't know who it was. A year and a half later, they were talking and she mentioned a close friend that lived where they lived when she put him out. She said how her friend is homeless and living in a shelter with her kids and it's been a year now.

She said how her friend believes a man should take care of her and she does not want to work. So she said her husband got tired of her and put her out. She said how she found a job for her and she said, I don't do that kind of work (hotel housekeeping).

So, putting the two together, it is most likely that her now homeless friend encouraged her to put her husband out. And now a year and a half later, both of them are homeless and are begging their husbands to help them. Women, be careful of who you get counsel from. Your girlfriend can mess your life up by taking her advice. If it is causing major problems in her marriage, it will not make your marriage any better. If her advice has caused her life to fall apart, it will definitely cause yours to fall apart as well.

Don't be so gullible to fall for the trap. Be wise and seek God as well as Godly wise advice from seasoned veterans who have endured hard times and are still standing. Make sure the advice is positive and not out of anger and bitterness, causing you to do things that are malicious, vengeful and evil.

Hurt people hurt people and encourage others to hurt as well. That is a sign of someone who is not healed. And if you follow them, you will walk in the same un-forgiveness and hurt and keep a vicious cycle going and it will destroy your life like a bitter root. Make sure you get advice from someone who is not young as you are and trying to figure life out like you are. Find an older couple who has been married almost or as long as you have been living.

I look back and the best advice I ever received was from seasoned older couples. Be careful who you let influence your relationship decisions. Tell me what you think. [Every] purpose is established by counsel: and with good advice make war. Proverbs 20;18, He that deviseth to do evil shall be called a mischievous person. Proverbs 24:8 To know wisdom and instruction; to perceive the words of understanding; To receive the instruction of wisdom, justice, and judgment, and equity; To give subtilty to the simple, to the young man knowledge and discretion. A wise [man] will hear, and will increase learning; and a man of understanding shall attain unto wise counsels: Proverbs 1:2-5

Young love

When I was in my early twenties I missed a lot of opportunities that now I wish I had taken advantage of. Research and much evidence have shown that the human brain does not stop growing to full maturity until about the age 25. I did not find that out until I was in my late twenties. It was the missing piece of knowledge that made me understand so much about why young adults do what they do and why they can't comprehend certain life principles.

At the age of 25 the light as if actually turns on in the brain. I can remember so clearly that it was between 25 and 30 years old I felt like superman. I saw the world different and my view of life had changed drastically. I had no clue then that my brain had arrived to mature development. I just knew there was a difference.

At the age of 39 I found myself dating a 22 year old. What another lesson I got in the classroom of life. I had to realize that young people do not view or understand love, sex and relationships like the older and mature do.

Life for the younger is all about fun, discovery and games. Whatever they were not allowed to do as a child and teen, you better believe that's what they want to do the most once they get that adult independence. They want to experiment with life. And they love to try different and new things. It's not the desire of most young people to settle down. Because settling down, makes them feel their freedom is being threatened.

Young people want it all at one time while trying to enjoy it all at the same time. It's the thought of trying to have the cake and eat it too. That's why they don't commit and stay with anything. Because they want something else as soon as they are bored with what they have. They have to be taught to stick to something and not easily give things up.

When a young person enters a relationship, the relationship does not immediately mature them. It takes time and struggle (growing pains) and the patience of the one with them to develop their maturity for a growing relationship. Yes it takes a lot of patience.

What I learned the most from being with younger women is that you can't make them grow up. All you can do is lead them by example, instruct them and just be patient in between the two.

Section 3

Searching

Caught Between

Have you ever been caught between what you had, what you have and what you want? If you have ever been in love and in and out of relationships, you can identify this position. What you had is your history, your past relationships. And that past is not your present, its behind you. And you may have at least one relationship you may have never really gotten over. Maybe you let it go or someone had to let you go. But you just moved on with the hurt and disappointment and carried it in your heart, while waiting for someone else to show up. So when you went into your new relationship, you carried the history of what you had into what you have now.

The problem you find yourself facing is the collision of your history with your present. How do you put it all behind you and live in the now? It seems to make some people bitter knowing that a person is no longer in their life but has left their mark on them forever. And now you are left to pick up the pieces and keep living.

Sometimes we punish the person in our new relationship by making them feel guilty for what they did not do. They did not hurt us, abuse us or leave us. Yet we treat them like it was their fault. It is understandable that you are responding out of your past hurt and pain. But that must be understood and communicated clearly to the new person you are with. It is imperative that you communicate the fact that you had a tough past and that you want to leave it behind and not let it affect your current relationship. This happens so many times when we enter into a new relationship. Many times we are not conscious of it. But we respond in fear, insecurity and control. We either pick the fight or keep the fight going on because we are haunted by what happened in our past.

My older sister explained the control concept in a nut shell. I asked her why she was so controlling and felt everything had to go her way. I was kind of surprised at how she responded so calm. She said, well think about it; we grew up where things were out of control. And I shook my head in total agreement. She continued to say, so somebody had to be in control. Now I knew from firsthand experience as a kid that our home was out of control. This may not be everyone's reason for being controlling. But I think sits something to recognize as a potential problem.

No man likes to be controlled by a woman in almost everything he does. And no one for that matter likes to be controlled by anyone. Who wants to live under a dictatorship relationship? But the need to be in control comes from fear and insecurity. You fear the worse is going to happen and you feel like you have to be there to make sure things go right. Or you have to give orders, instructions, or directions.

It does not feel good to be a victim of collateral damage. To be the one who is mistreated because the one you love is suffering from a past that has crippled him or her. I personally can identify on both sides. I didn't abuse my second wife, but I treated her like I didn't trust her in the beginning of the relationship. As time went on and she showed that she was faithful I began to trust her more. But anytime she did something that was suspicious to me I was always wondering what she was up to. I remember one day she said she was going to the library and she was walking there.

So I got a little suspicious as to why now every day she is going to the library. So when she left I followed her. I didn't follow her all the way to the library but I followed her just enough to satisfy my curiosity for the moment. Until this day I can't say I know for sure she went to the library, but I just had to trust her.

Distrust is not something you want in a relationship. And many times we don't trust the other person because of our past history. I don't know if the remedy is to regain trust with your mate and yet they were never guilty of doing anything wrong. But because of your insecurity you have held them to your past history that was with someone else. The only solution I can think of is you have to change the way you think about it and remind yourself that this is a new person and they don't deserve to be a prisoner of my past pain. Just as you would not want to be held a prisoner of your mates past, you must also not make them a prisoner.

Your past is your history and you can choose to repeat it or you can choose to move on from it. Also, you can choose to let someone hold you as a prisoner to your past or you can choose to live a new life and change your present and the course onto your future. Sometime a past relationship that has really hurt us has caused so much collateral damage that we find ourselves struggling to move on. It's not easy being hit by a car and just walking in the street again the same way you did before.

Past hurts will make us hesitate and take a second look and sometimes a third look. It does affect our view of what we believe about our future. There is not a single person in the world that can take a lick and not be affected by it after the wound is healed. After the physical damage, then there is healing of our minds from the mental and emotional damage.

Our past does not have to keep us a prisoner. And I want to say it should not keep us a prisoner. But the truth is everyone does not easily get over a hurtful relationship the same. Some people have experienced more traumatic situations than others. So I don't want to be insensitive to the fact that some pain goes deeper than others. It's like comparing someone who fell down three steps and sprang an ankle in comparison to someone who fell off a roof and broke their leg, arm and cracked a rib. Both are in pain, but one is in a more severe painful situation that will require more time to heal and less usage of his body parts.

Know and recognize the source of the pain and acknowledge the pain. But don't stop there. Don't lie down and live your life crying, fussing and complaining about it. Make up your move to move on to healing. Decide to let go of those past hurts and bounce back and live. It's a decision you have to make and no one else can do that for you.

You are the only who has the power to decide you want to leave your past and walk in healing. That starts first with a decision you have to make. The pity party syndrome has not helped you and it never changed your way of thinking. Feeling sorry for you and continually making excuses is not making a decision to walk in healing.

The single life is a time for healing and renewal it's a time to change the way you think and make some resolutions. It's the perfect time to practice developing good habits and getting rid of some bad ones without having someone criticize you while you are in the process.

One area you must develop is the way you think. How you think about your past and the things that happened to you and how you let them affect you now in your life. It may take daily self-talk or even reading books like this to help change your mind. But many of your problems are coming from the way you think!

Rejection

Rejection is like blunt force trauma to your emotions. It does not feel good at all. No one likes rejection and no one takes it with a smile. When someone rejects us it makes us feel like we are weak, ignorant, ugly, a failure or as if we did something wrong. It messes with our mind as if our thinking is scattered like a broken window pane and we have to gather the pieces and put it all back together.

Rejection is what affects our self-esteem and self- confidence. If you have experienced a lot of rejection, as i have, growing up. It makes you go into a shell. You are less likely to try again for fear of rejection. You lack confidence because you believe you will lose if you try, get no if you ask or not get selected if you apply.

When we become adults after we experience so much rejection, it leaves us with a rejection mind set. We think more negative and we seldom we try something new. Our fear of rejection tells us we will not get approved, we do not have what it takes, so why make the effort? And we become complacent and try to find a place we can stay and fit in and become comfortable there

I would expect that cycle to continue in the life of a teen or a young adult. But after thirty years of living i would expect you to handle rejection without becoming complacent and fearful. There comes a time that you have to accept it as a part of life and not all of life, never allowing it to rob you of the very essence of life.

If someone says no, find two people who say yes. If the front door closes, go knock on the back door. Never let one person make you feel like the opportunity is not available. There are always other opportunities and you are never out of options. Even if your option is to change your set of options and look in a total other direction. But whatever you do, don't give up because someone said no.

That one person who may not be interested in you may be vain any way. Maybe they want what they always have been getting and they always end up miserable and single. So don't let their rejection define you. It could be their twisted view of life that causes them not to appreciate you for who you are.

That's why I like to deal with brokers. Their job is to get you the best offer among those that will qualify you. If you buy a house, don't just go to a realtor; try to find a real estate broker with a mortgage partner that is committed to getting you the best mortgage loan available for you. A mortgage officer can look at your credit, your down payment and your income and immediately tell you that some banks will deny you but he knows some that will accept your offer. So he goes to work on your behalf with the intention of finding you an acceptable deal.

God works the same way. He knows where the best deals are in life. And you have to trust him enough to know that when you are rejected, he can get you approved.

You don't have to feel like you are worthless or a loser and failure because someone is not interested in a relationship with you. Have the courage to shake it off and move on without letting it affect you emotionally. Don't let the rejection affect how you see yourself. Understand that rejection is a part of life and we all have to deal with it. So embrace it and let it motivate you to keep trying. Because you know that the more you are rejected the closer are getting to obtaining what you want.

Recognizing a player

Let me first say this. It is common that a player is usually described as a man. But a player can be both, a man or a woman. And for those who don't know what a player is, let me define it according to the slang usage. A player is someone who only seeks to be with someone to use them for what they want and they plan to get what they want and leave that person and move to someone else.

* Players use the same principles and methods as the real ones

* Players don't talk about long term commitment and they don't have a history of it

* Players look like players - they spend more time doing the least important things in life. And the things they do and have is all for show and fun. They go out of their way to win a woman on the exterior.

* Players love sex more than anything else about a woman. They love sex more than commitment. That's why they will have sex with you and not marry you.

* Players want it easy & quick

* Players have been played - the reason many men and/ or women play is because they themselves have been hurt.

* Players hide - they only like to hang out in private

* The only way to stop a player is to beat him/her at their own game.

* If you have already been played by a player, let it go. Move on and just don't deal with that person on that level again.

Relationship Warning signs

When you see these signs, be cautious, wait and take it very slow. Don't immediately write the person off. Give them an opportunity to see if they have changed. But keep in mind if you go forward you risk a broken relationship in the future.

INSTABILITY - always moving, changing jobs, in and out of relationships. Indecisive, they constantly change their minds about decisions. One or two of these for a short period of time is not a risk factor. It's when a person has shown a pattern of all these for many years in their lives.

DISLOYALTY to family and friends

MONEY/MATERIALISM - THE Center of every relationship should be the value of the two individuals involved. When the core focus is taken off each other and focused on money and material things, the relationship is either dead already or is dying. Think not it's possible to be in a committed relationship that spends more time on the outside temporal things and believe that relationship can survive. It's like buying a car with an excellent and beautiful body yet an engine that will not last past 10 miles of driving. If you buy such car it's your fault because you did not take the time to find out what's under the hood of the car.

You can't think you are going to be happy for years to come with someone who is a total stranger that you have been living with. The reason you are strangers to each is because you spent most of your time working to make money and little time with each other. You invested in everything and everyone else, but you failed to invest in your mate. Sometimes ambition can be a curse. If there is no balance and someone is constantly chasing a dream. It can really cause them to lose many good opportunities in life.

ARGUMENTIVE – Basically if you say "up", they will say, "No it's down". When you say it's "a", they will say, I don't agree, its B". Some people only know how to argue and disagree and they think that when someone is telling them something they really don't know, that the person is trying to make them look ignorant or is assuming they don't know something. This is a clear sign of severe fear and insecurity. Many were so suppressed at some time in there that they made up their minds that when they can speak their mind they will do so freely and no one will stop them. And then there are those who have had to fight all their lives and argue about everything. And that's what they saw growing up and it's the only way they know how to communicate.

INSECURITY (extreme) - Everyone has some form of insecurity no matter how you look at it. But when a person is 'extremely insecure" that's not healthy at all. They are constantly in fear of the worse thing happening. So because of the constant fear they do things to protect themselves before the things they fear will ever take place. In most cases its things that have happened to them that they have never got over or were never healed from. Extreme insecurity causes them to believe that everyone is like that. Or it will happen again. So they live to make sure that if it happens again they will be prepared to stop it unlike they could not do before.

CONTROLLING /MANIPULATIVE

A controlling person want s to force you to do what they want you to do. They are not satisfied until everything goes there way and they don't want to compromise. It usually selfishness and a history of abuse they have experienced that has made them like that. This type of person is very dangerous because they have the tendency to become abusive.

Dating with a purpose

Don't date someone for the wrong reasons. Make sure if you date someone you are interested in being in a serious relationship with them. If you are dating only for a platonic friendship, communicate that and make it clear. But don't have a hidden agenda. Put all your cards on the table. If you want some sex and that's why you are dating her you should communicate that before you date.

Date that person with the express intention of taking the friendship to the next level. I'm not speaking of casual, once in a while type of dating. But I'm speaking of a consistent dating period that's at least twice a month or more. Be conscious that the more you spend time with the opposite sex, the closer you will bond

Think different

A woman is our champion. She has a power to influence a man in a way unlike any other. On my journey to finding a wife I have had rude awakenings and reality checks. I have experienced rejection and the pursuit of women who clearly made it known they want me. This journey has been sweet and good sometimes while there are times it gets frustrating and challenging.

Sometimes I feel like the closer I get to finding her the harder the process. The challenge can be that what you want something now and she may want it later. She likes you and she is interested. But that does not mean she is ready to step out of her comfort zone. And I want to let you know ladies; this is not just for the men.

It takes time to readjust to a different way of thinking when you have done it so long and you believe that's the best method of approach. It's not until someone comes along and tells you that the way you are going about it is not good. It may not be your looks, your talk or your personality. Maybe it's simply your approach.

This is where too much confidence can work against you. When you have so much in your corner you think you can just be cocky and sloppy and the other person will want you. But there are those who are not moved by the looks, the smooth talk or your charismatic personality. You still need to unlock their heart if you want to be with them.

You approach is the result of the way you think. You think it works so you do it like a formula. You have it all figured out and its method of approach. Besides to you it works the majority of the times. You have done it several times and it worked.

The problem is the fact that you keep working it. The problem is that it's not really as effective as you think it is. Let me explain why your smooth approach is not really that good.

You can use it to attract the opposite sex to you in the beginning. Yet what you never focused on is how to keep the fire burning and how to build it from there. You put all your eggs in one basket. You only focused on how to win the one you want. You lost sight on how to keep that person. So that's why you keep using the same technique over and over again.

I want to challenge you to think different on this. Think about changing things up. Change your approach and your method. Go from a plan and strategy to letting it just happen and flow. Don't try to make it happen. Don't try to create it. Let all things just fall in place in the beginning.

The place to really focus on a plan is how you are going please that person in a committed relationship. How are you going to keep that person? Don't put so much in the catch that you don't enjoy the meal. Why fish for fun and then go home and starve?

What's The Rush?

Being single can have just as many challenges as the marriage life. If you think that when you get married that your problems are over, in some cases, you are right. Yet on the other hand you are wrong. There are two sides of the same coin, but different images. The reality is, when you get married you have traded for a different set of problems.

Getting married will solve your single problems but it will bring on married problems. It's just a matter of understanding what those problems are and how to handle them. And you must have that understanding while you are single.

Three problems that all singles who desire marriage will face are; loneliness, sex, and time. Marriage is the obvious solution to all these three problems. What I mean by time is the fact that you are getting older and the longer you stay single and the older you get, the harder it becomes to finding a mate.

Compound that equation with going through a divorce, a bad relationship or abuse and having kids. It makes it even the harder to step out into a new relationship.

The reason dating is so difficult for many older singles is because it's something they have not done in a very long time. It's as if they are out of touch with the world of meeting someone, dating and falling in love. It starts to feel awkward. This is especially true for those who were married for many years and are divorced.

If you were married to one person for ten years and you were faithful to only that person, then dating would be a challenge after a divorce and a whole year of being single. Yes you would be out of touch with the single life.

So now here you are with all these perplexing challenges. The question is how do you go from being single to getting married and yet avoid the complications of the process? When I speak of the complications I mean the dating, the selection of the right one, rejection, sexual gratification and the fear of it all.

Abuse and marital neglect can cause you to withdraw from relationships. I don't think there is a single person in this galaxy, which immediately recovers from an abusive relationship and comes out okay.

After all these issues, why would someone be in a rush to get married or why would someone want to quickly marry someone who has been through so much. On the other hand there are many who have been through so much negative in their life that they can't see any positive in a relationship.

Those who have been traumatized in a bad relationship or grew up seeing a really horrifying relationship with their parents are more likely to hold back from going into a relationship so soon.

Their minds are filled with negative images that made them fearful, that their marriage will be just like their parents. It's as if they grew up living a real horror movie in their home

Are you ready?

Someone said, "It's better to not have an opportunity and be prepared for one, than to have an opportunity and not be prepared". When I look over my life I see so many opportunities that have passed me by. And only if I was prepared for them I could have taken advantage of the opportunity. Now I have learned to put more effort in the preparation than in seizing the opportunity.

So many times the opportunity is in front of us and all the things we want and can have are so obvious. But what does not come in a package of opportunity are the instructions of what you need to do to prepare you for the opportunity.

Most relationships that are dead and those that are dying are suffering from a lack of preparation. They fail to prepare for the season of preparing to go into a relationship and what it requires, and the time to refresh and prepare to rebuild a broken relationship.

Preparation takes vision and focus. For who prepares for something they can't see or are not aware of? No one prepares for something they don't know is coming or going to happen. So it is in being single and in a relationship. If you don't know if you want a new relationship you will never prepare for it.

You will spend all your precious time trying to decide if that's what you want and never really preparing for what you want. We spend most of our time trying to decide who we will marry, if we want marriage and how. But none of that is preparation. Its decision making that precedes preparation. Prepare yourself by changing your habits, your words, & changing your thinking. The fact of the matter is, you should not go into a marriage with a single mindset. And you should not go into a marriage with an attitude of "I do what I want to do".

Let's not forget that you should not go into a marriage saying anything what you want to say, speaking your mind all the time is not wise. Learn to control your mouth, your attitude and anger. But also learn to practice love. All this takes time and preparation. Prepare for the next level now!

Quick proposal

We met on Facebook in a relationship group. We went back and forth talking about how were tired of being single. In the midst of the twelve thousand members in the group and the members who were actively involved in the discussion on the post, we continued our discussion back and forth with each other. We went on about how our season is up and how we have been single long enough. A married woman posted a comment. She said "I don't get it, two singles complaining to each other about being single".

At first it went over both of our heads and we both immediately explained that we were not complaining but just sharing our experiences. But after she explained her statement a little more, I finally got it. I responded like a light bulb went off in my head. Like duh, why are we complaining to each other? And immediately from that moment I sent her another friend request, after I sent the first one over a month ago. It immediately made me wonder what took her so long to respond to my first friend request. Later she did tell me why it took so long to respond.

We chatted back and forth and clearly communicated what we wanted in a relationship. She was very clear and straightforward with me and I was the same. We put all cards on the table. Making sure there was no misunderstanding from one side or the other.

A week seemed like months. We asked each other some of every question we could think of under the sun. We made each other laugh and we cried as we shared our stories. We sent each other pictures of things that we liked. It touched my heart when she sent me a picture of a pecan pie after I told her I love pecan pie. So I followed up and sent her a picture of gummy bears after she told me she like gummy bears. One morning I woke up and she greeted me with a good morning and sent me a picture of a delicious looking breakfast.

I felt like I could talk to her about anything. She openly communicated with me and shared her life and her heart. More and more I began to see a friend in her. Not only did she ask me interesting questions, but she encouraged me and would make me laugh. She showed herself as a genuine friend. It felt good to finally feel like I had someone I could talk to and be open and honest with.

As time went by and we talked more and more it seemed we became closer and closer. She demanded trust because she was violated and betrayed. I encouraged her to know that I have her back and she could confide in me. I opened my life to her and shared my history and my failures. And I shared my life with the faith that I could trust her. I felt a true mutual friendship that was developing and starting to grow.

Our level of communication brought us to a place of intimacy to the point where we were very comfortable with each other. I felt like I knew her for a very long time, in such a small time period.

After talking to her for three straight weeks every day for about two to four hours a day, I proposed to her. Yes, I said it, I quickly proposed to her. I know three weeks seems too soon for a proposal and it seems like I was desperate. She said to me very graciously, "We have never met, don't you think we should at least meet before we decide to marry each other?" She did not sound like she was opposed to it.

Let me explain the few reasons why I proposed so quickly. I lived on the east coast and she lived on the west coast. I immediately saw how things could get very complicated if I did not take the opportunity that stood right in front of me. And I have had two long distance relationships and one did not work out, and the other worked out for two years, and it ended. And I learned so much from those two experiences. One of the greatest lessons I learned from those two experiences is to never let a failure deter you from another attempt.

What every woman I have ever been in a relationship with has in common with me is the fact that we have had failed relationships that made us fearful of entering another relationship. It can make you think that if you attempt to do the same thing you will always get the same results. Yet I knew that can't be true because every person and situation is not the same. So I refused to throw the baby out with the bath water. Just because two long distance relationships failed, does not mean the third one has to fail. I just have to make sure that I don't make the same mistakes and make my decision based on the same criteria I did before.

The other reason is the illustration of a valuable Item on sale at a busy store. It's the only Item on the shelf and it's a very popular and well desired product. If you find it to be something you really want and the money to buy it is not an issue, would you wait to buy it or would you get it immediately? When it comes to finding a good woman, I think the same way, she is a very valuable person and most likely other men will see her value and chase her. I just want to be the one that gets the first opportunity to win her to be mine.

As the saying goes, "different strokes for different folks". What I just shared was something I did. It is not something that I encourage everyone to do. I live on the radical and daring side and sometimes it's risky. Yet I take calculated and controlled risks. But the lesson I learned from this is if you want anything in life, you have to be willing to dare do the different and unexpected. You have to take some risks in life and let go of your fears.

The transition

Now that you are armed with information, strengthened in faith and highly motivated, will you to step out to find your soul mate. Are you willing to do something different to get different results? What can you do right now to enact what you have read in this book?

If you just lay this book down and never apply what you read herein, then you wasted you money and your valuable time reading it. But I believe your intention of reading this was not to stay where you are and not enact a change.

Change is transition. A transition is a mobilization of progression. If there is no action, there is no change and if there is no change there is digression. You will only go back to where you either started or you will decline to a lower and worse place. It is imperative that you move forward and leap into your future and destiny.

I believe you have the power to make a decision to transition and transform your life today. There is no one who can stop you and no can make the decision for you. In spite of all your failures, keep your head up and refuse to give up. For at the moment when you think it's over, your miracle of finding your soul mate could be right around the corner. If you have decided to be alone that's okay and you are not weird or some strange freak of nature. Enjoy being single and determine to live life to its fullest. Enjoy life and keep moving forward!

Danny Elijah Gilbert

About The Author

Danny Elijah Gilbert was born and raised in the city of Newark New Jersey in 1974. The son of southern parents, his great grandfather was a Pastor as well as his grandmother.. As a high school dropout, he later earned his GED and went to college In New York city.

While working at a Burger King Restaurant in Newark, he wrote his first book, The Love Book. More than seven years later he finally published the book. After accomplishing his goal of writing and publishing his first book he was determined to continue writing and later wrote, "The Master Book of Prayer" in 2012. This was his first most triumphant work as a self - established publisher and Author.

Danny is President and founder of his publishing company, which he started with his second book. His drive is to inspire, encourage and educate people from all walks of life. To help others live their dreams and be a source of hope and inspiration with all those whom he comes in contact with. .Danny believes that we all have the opportunity to live our dreams no matter what we have faced in life.

You can contact Danny by Facebook http://facebook.com/dannyelijahgilbert
