 
Three Plays

Published by Mike Suttons at Smashwords

# Copyright 2011 Mike Sutton

ISBN 978-1-4659-8486-9

Tripping on Nothing

Character 1 (male)

Character 2 (female)

Doctor

2 Uniformed Guards

Character 1 standing downstage-center, performing the audience through a monologue. Over acting the part he's doing with all his heart. Dressed in casual clothes that one might wear around the house Saturday morning. Various pieces of living room furniture sit about the stage.

Character 1- And what doth the ravens say to my ear whilst I sleep.

And the cows do moo and the Asses bray.

Yet as I dance in the rain and do weep,

Yonder figure turns to walk away.

(speaks directly to the audience)What say you my good dear man? Dost the line and verse drive one to the ends of emotional rationality? Yes as I did think, and so I thought. For like a duck walking backwards into a frozen stump, so does the muse speak her inspiration to the heart of the play-write... and as the muse speaks it, so do I perform it. I hope you all do so love the theatre and the way of verse that you be willing to help with financial donations. (motions to a hat on the floor and smiles broadly)

Enter Character 2 from behind Character 1...She looks at him in confusion as he continues to address the audience.

Character 1- Shall I do some more? Pauses, listens. Oh yes, I know the perfect piece...is anyone familiar with the work of 'Jim Carey'?

Character 2- Um....what are you doing?

Character 1- Turns around... I'm performing for these wonderful people. To the audience. You're a great group folks!

Character 2- There...There's nobody out there dear. This is your living room.

Character 1- Well of course there's people there, they're right there (points at the audience) I've been doing this for well over two hours strait, and they've been enjoying it and tipping quite well might I add (Indicates a up-side down hat, with a tips sign, on the floor at the edge of the stage).

Character 2- (walks over to the hat and picks it up, and turns it over) There's no money here, its empty. Maybe 'they' haven't enjoyed it as much as you thought they were.

Character 1- (to the audience) You ungrateful swine, I poor myself out up here on stage for you and this is all I get? Nothing! I was lying when I said that you were a great group, you're really a buncha idiots who couldn't tell what humor was if it came up and bit them in the ass...

Character 2- (gently grabs character 1 and turns him to face her) Have you been taking your medicine lately? The doctor said that you had to take the pills every day.

Character 1- (nervously) Of course I've been following orders (laughs). Watch, I'll take one right now for you (pulls a tic-tac box out of his pocket and eats several. As he is chewing them) See? Delicious! In fact I can feel it working at this very moment. God I feel good. Fantastic weather we're having! So how was your day?

Character 2- That was a tic-tac box wasn't it. What are you trying to pull? The weather is terrible, and my day was ok. You're supposed to take your medicine.

Character 1- Ummmmm....Errrrrr...Yes well, that is to say...Ahhhh. That was a tic-tac box, yes, but I was only eating them as a symbol of my medicine. You know, don't want to overdose or something and all that.

Character 2- (grabs his ear and drags him towards the exit) That's it, we're going to see the doctor again!

Character 1- But....But....Ouch, that hurts!

(Both characters exit)

# Psychologist's office with 1 chair and a couch. The doctor is sitting in the chair looking over some notes on a clipboard when Character 2 drags Character 1 in by the ear and leaves him.

Doctor – (in a cheap German accent) Velcome mister Bond. It is good to see you again (laughs evilly)

Character 1- Ummmm, am I in the right place?

Doctor- But of course Mister Bond, and you're just in time for our little fun, ya? Guards! (Guards enter in unison)

Guards- Ya-Ho Mein Doctor!

Doctor- seize him! (A pair of uniformed guards enter and grab character 1)

Character 1- (panicing) I think there has been some sort of mistake! I'm not Mister Bond, and I'm not here to have fun. I'm just here to get my head examined, and get some pills.

## Doctor – ( _looks at the papers on the clipboard_ ) Ah yes, my error. Guards leave us( _Guards exit_ ). Please have a seat, and make yourself at home. Would you care for some tea? ( _Character 1 shakes his head after he has sat in the couch_ ) Well too bad, it is really quite good-tasting stuff. Now I guess we get down to business. Tell me about your mother.

Character 1- About my mother? I really don't know where to start..

Doctor – Well just start where you feel you must.

Character 1- ah were to start, were to start, were to start....

Doctor – (Yells) Shutup and talk!

Character 1- (jumps in surprise) ah yes, well, errr....my mother was a hippy back in the 60s and 70s, and she had a drug habit a mile wide. She was addicted to hard stuff by the time me and my sister were born. And she eventually passed on her addictions to us in one degree or another. Let me just say that being an asprin junkie at the age of 6 is a low point in my life, but I'm extremely proud to have beaten it. Well as a kid she used to scare my sister and me with horror stories about the Republican Party and conservatives in general, with the stories about rush Limbaugh being the worst of the lot. In fact it wasn't until just a couple years ago that I could watch a speech by one of their number without wetting myself and shaking in fear. But onto other things well she always was a wonderful cook, with mushrooms and brownies being her specialties, we had those a lot, when there was enough to eat anyways. We were poor but happy, often mother would make us clothes out of flowers and stuff, they were colorful and pretty during the summer and they smelled real good. But when winter came we would be real cold and sometimes our clothes would fall off, which was real bad when we were away from home trying to make some money to help support us.

Doctor – (really into drawing on one of the papers on the clipboard and not really paying attention) (speaks periodically throughout Character 1's monologue without looking up) Zat is very interesting! Fascinating!

Character 1- Well and then there was father...I never met him personally, but mother said that he was hard at work at his job of making license plates for the state, and from time to time she would point one out and say 'kids, your father might have made that one' or some other such thing, it wasn't until I was sixteen that I found out that dad was in prison as a serial jay-walker and general public nuisance. (notices the doctors obsession with the drawing) Um what are you doing?

Doctor – (startled) I am writing notes on your fascinating case, it's a thing that we doctors do you know. Ya, we doctors write notes all the time, in fact I am writing them now.

Character 1- (reaches for the clipboard) May I see the notes?

Doctor – (slaps the incoming hand, and clutches the clip-board to his chest) Nein! These are confidential, and, uhhhh, it would violate the doctor-patient relationship if I allowed you or anyone to see them.

Character 1- Oh, sorry about that, well shall I take up where I left off?

Doctor – yes, please do. It says here that you talk to and perform for an imaginary audience in your living room. Please go into that.

Character 1- Uhh yeah....they just show up and I perform for them for tips, it helps pay the rent. And it's a lot of fun too. Beats working at McDonalds.

Doctor – (stifles a giggle) You realize that is crazy ya? How do you expect an imaginary audience to give you tips? What do they use monopoly money? (finally laughs out loud at his/her own joke) I mean do you use their money to rent Boardwalk?

Character 1- (looks a little hurt)ummm, no they use real money...its just that most banks wont take such large bills as I get...uhhhh I was kinda wondering.... are you from Germany?

Doctor – No I am not from Germany

Character 1- Austria then?

Doctor – Not Austria either.

Character 1- Some other Country in Europe maybe?

Doctor – I was born and raised in Chicago.

Character 1- Then why are you speaking with a German accent?

Doctor –(drops the German accent) Because you people expect a psychiatrist to speak this way dammit! Why can't you accept me for me? (leaps from the chair and runs offstage while bawling)

Character 1- (Shrugs his shoulders) After I found out that dad was really a convict, I found myself wanting to know more about him, so I started spending time near the local jails....(hears character 2 approaching and leaps behind the couch)

Character 2- (enters the stage) Ok, where are you? Are you quite proud of yourself? You made yet another Doctor run screaming into the night. And you didn't even get any drugs this time. Oh the things I have to go through to keep you sane. Where are you? Come out from hiding this instant! (wanders around stage looking for Character 1 until she finds him behind the couch)

Character 1- (Jumps up upon being found and trys to leap over the couch to escape) I didn't do anything, the doctor was a lunatic. He/She spoke with a fake German accent for no reason, and didn't let me see the notes that he/she was taking. I don't feel much better at all, but I did get to talk about mommy, she's such a saint.

Character 2- (grabs his ear and drags him off stage with her) You are such a pain, no sex for you tonight!

Character 1- But I didn't do anything!

Back in the living room. The hat is once again in its place at the front of the stage. Character 1 is standing at the front of the stage addressing the audience again.

Character 1- Folks, before I begin tonight's performance, I would like to request that you make any donations that you can spare to the continued operation of this theatre, and to keeping the entertainment you are about to receive at the highest quality as is possible. (smiles at 'someone' standing over the had with a donation) Thank you sir, your generosity is greatly appreciated by both myself and these other fine folks in the audience. Now without further adieu, let the show begin.

(begins to sing an off-key rendition of the song 'feelings')

(Some time into the song, he stops, looks around and runs for the couch, where he picks up the book 'how it ought to be' by Rush Limbaugh)

Character 2- (Comes in and sees Character 1 reading the book) I thought I told you not to read horror stories before you go to sleep, it always keeps you up into the middle of the night whimpering, and I'm sick of trying to sleep with the light on.

Character 1- (laughs weakly) I only just began a little while ago honey, no worries, I'm not scared at the moment at all. (Another weak laugh) Besides, I'm almost done here, why don't you go to bed, I'll catch up in a few minutes after I finish this chapter.

Character 2- (nods for a moment until she sees the hat on the floor) Have you been performing again?

Character 1- NO! You said you didn't want me to, so I haven't. I would never dream of disobeying!

Character 2- Then why is the hat on the floor like that? You were performing again....

Character 1- No, I wasn't performing again, honestly!

Character 2- Then why is your tip hat there? hmmmmm?

Character 1- Uhhhhhh.... I threw it there, I was playing a game... great game... with rules too complex to explain... but I got tired of playing, so that's where I left it...

Character 2- Don't lie to me! How many times have I told you that the audience doesn't exist? You're supposed to take your medicine, you know that! Then you'd stop having these little flights of fancy. THE AUDIENCE DOES NOT EXIST, ITS FAKE, NOT REAL! Wake up! Now go to bed! I'll be along in a few minutes, and then we'll talk. Oh, I have a headache.

(Character 1 cowers, and runs off stage hunched over)

Character 2- (turns to the audience) And you, how many times have I told you to stop encouraging him. I've been trying to get him to go out and get a real job, and here you are asking him to do his little song and dance routines for you. And you're cruel enough to let him believe he's actually any good as a performer. God the nerve! I don't ever want to see any of you again in our living room! Now get out of here before I call the police! (stalks off after Character 1)

Awake

Greg; Male mid 20s

Cindy; Female mid 20s

Cindy standing as if waiting for a bus when Greg walks up and strikes up a conversation. Both are dressed for a nice summer day.

Greg: hi

Cindy: hello

Greg: nice day

Cindy: oh it's absolutely beautiful.

Greg: I don't really want to go to work today, wish I could skip.

Cindy: I know the feeling, but too bad I can't just call in sick

Greg: that's a shame, what do you do?

Cindy: I'm a professional rodeo clown.

Greg: that sounds both exciting and dangerous.

Cindy: it's both, it's a fantastic adrenaline rush, the bull and the crowds all watching you, it's like being an action hero or a firefighter or something.

Greg: Sounds like you really love what you do, that's fantastic, I wish I were so lucky.

Cindy: really, what do you do?

Greg: Nothing so romantic, I happen to be a grill jock for micky d's.

Cindy: Really? Have you ever met him?

Greg: Who?

Cindy: the great one himself, Ronald McDonald! He is an inspiration to clowns everywhere.

Greg: Uh...no...

Cindy: I mean what he's done, he is known worldwide! Such talent, I wish I could meet him just once.

Greg: no, I've never met him...he doesn't hang around with the likes of me, I'm just a lowly peon ya know, just a burger flipper.

Cindy: (Disappointed) Oh, well if you ever do meet him, will you get his autograph for me? (flirts)I would really appreciate it.

Greg: Uh yeah, sure, if I ever meet him I'll get his autograph for you. Errrr, when I get it, how will I contact you and let you know?

Cindy: Oh yeah, well you could call me, and we could meet.

Greg: what's your phone number?

Cindy: One moment (writes it down and hands it to him).

Greg: Thanks, I'll get right on this.

Cindy: How sweet of you. Well I have to go now my bus is here. Bye! (walks off stage. Greg heads in the opposite direction)

Cindy is standing outside as if waiting for the bus...wearing the same clothing as before. Greg is in slightly different clothes.

Greg: hi

Cindy: hello

Greg: nice day

Cindy: oh it's absolutely beautiful.

Greg: I don't really want to go to work today, wish I could skip.

Cindy: I know the feeling, but too bad I can't just call in sick

Greg: that's a shame, what do you do?

Cindy: I'm a professional rodeo clown.

Greg: that sounds both exciting and dangerous. Wait a minute... haven't we met before? I swear we've had this conversation before, and you look very familiar

Cindy: it's both, it's a fantastic adrenaline rush, the bull and the crowds all watching you, it's like being an action hero or a firefighter or something.

Greg: Ummm, hello?

Cindy: really, what do you do?

Greg: Are you listening to me? Hello?

Cindy: Really? Have you ever met him?

Greg: (looks around in a confused manner)

Cindy: the great one himself, Ronald McDonald! He is an inspiration to clowns everywhere.

Greg: Are you feeling ok? (waves his hand in front of her eyes)

Cindy: I mean what he's done, he is known worldwide! Such talent, I wish I could meet him just once.

Greg: You're not a robot are you? Or one of those body snatcher creatures from those movies...

Cindy: (Disappointed) Oh, well if you ever do meet him, will you get his autograph for me? (flirts) I would really appreciate it.

Greg: ...It doesn't matter. Just don't hurt me. I'll be an obedient human slave!

Cindy: Oh yeah, well you could call me, and we could meet.

Greg: Oh sweet mother of Loki, why did this happen to us? (Sinks into despair)

Cindy: One moment (writes it down and hands it to him).

Greg: Huh? What's this? Oh yeah, thanks, just don't hurt me.

Cindy: How sweet of you. Well I have to go now my bus is here. Bye! (walks off stage)

Greg: Is this the twilight zone or something? I wish I would have watched that show more often, then I would know what to do now. God why couldn't I have been more forward thinking? Why did I have to waste all that time watching car racing when I could have been preparing? Why was I so blind? (Gets up and stumbles off stage)

Cindy is waiting for the bus. Still dressed in summery type clothing. Still smiling and enjoying the weather. Greg walks up to her, looking unkempt and hunted.

Greg: I've seen every episode of the twilight zone now.

Cindy: hello

Greg: I still haven't been able to find the announcer.

Cindy: oh it's absolutely beautiful.

Greg: Are you kidding? That man isn't good looking at all.

Cindy: I know the feeling, but too bad I can't just call in sick

Greg: Well at least we're not in black and white.

Cindy: I'm a professional rodeo clown.

Greg: I mean, the total lack of color would be over the top.

Cindy: it's both, it's a fantastic adrenaline rush, the bull and the crowds all watching you, it's like being an action hero or a firefighter or something.

Greg: But then being back here over and over is enough.

Cindy: really, what do you do?

Greg: I must be going crazy.

Cindy: Really? Have you ever met him?

Greg: How could I be sure though.

Cindy: the great one himself, Ronald McDonald! He is an inspiration to clowns everywhere.

Greg: Maybe it's the world that is going crazy.

Cindy: I mean what he's done, he is known worldwide! Such talent, I wish I could meet him just once.

Greg: And I'm the only sane one left.

Cindy: (Disappointed) Oh, well if you ever do meet him, will you get his autograph for me? (flirts)I would really appreciate it.

Greg: But wouldn't that make me crazy?

Cindy: Oh yeah, well you could call me, and we could meet.

Greg: Damn paradoxes.

Cindy: One moment (writes it down and hands it to him).

Greg: I wish I paid more attention in that philosophy class I had, or at least to Star Trek.

Cindy: How sweet of you. Well I have to go now my bus is here. Bye! (walks off stage.)

Greg: They always seem to solve problems like these in Star Trek.

Summery once again, Cindy is wearing different clothes, Greg is wearing the same thing that she's in.

Greg: So I've seen every episode of all of the Star Trek series.

Cindy: hello

Greg: I still have no idea what's going on.

Cindy: oh it's absolutely beautiful.

Greg: But I figure, if you can't beat them, join them.

Cindy: I know the feeling, but too bad I can't just call in sick

Greg: that's why I'm wearing this!

Cindy: I'm a professional rodeo clown.

Greg: I was going to wear some makeup.

Cindy: it's both, it's a fantastic adrenaline rush, the bull and the crowds all watching you, it's like being an action hero or a firefighter or something.

Greg: But I couldn't find a lipstick that matches my complexion.

Cindy: really, what do you do?

Greg: Actually I did find a lipstick that matches my complexion, I just didn't want to go that far yet.

Cindy: Really? Have you ever met him?

Greg: How do you stand to wear these clothes?

Cindy: the great one himself, Ronald McDonald! He is an inspiration to clowns everywhere.

Greg: I mean the underwear they ride.

Cindy: I mean what he's done, he is known worldwide! Such talent, I wish I could meet him just once.

Greg: And the bra, wow is it confining.

Cindy: (Disappointed) Oh, well if you ever do meet him, will you get his autograph for me? (flirts)I would really appreciate it.

Greg: Do these shorts make my butt look big?

Cindy: Oh yeah, well you could call me, and we could meet.

Greg: I mean bigger than usual.

Cindy: One moment (writes it down and hands it to him).

Greg: Man this thong is riding. I have got to get out of this place.

Cindy: How sweet of you. Well I have to go now my bus is here. Bye! (walks off stage. Greg heads in the opposite direction)

Cindy is wearing the same. Greg comes in dressed as a pink Easter bunny, basket and all.

Greg: hi

Cindy: hello

Greg: nice day

Cindy: oh it's absolutely beautiful.

Greg: I don't really want to go to work today, wish I could skip.

Cindy: I know the feeling, but too bad I can't just call in sick

Greg: that's a shame, what do you do?

Cindy: I'm a professional rodeo clown.

Greg: that sounds both exciting and dangerous.

Cindy: (finally can't take it anymore) What the hell is wrong with you?

Greg: Huh?

Cindy: Are you trying to get us into trouble?

Greg: What?

Cindy: Why are you wearing that?

Greg: What happened to you?

Cindy: What do you mean?

Greg: Well you're not prattling on about clowns.

Cindy: That's my job.

Greg: I know, you're a rodeo clown. You keep telling me.

Cindy: my job is to talk about clowns, not be one.

Greg: What?

Cindy: Why are you dressed in a bunny suit?

Greg: You like it? I think the fluffy tail makes my butt look big.

Cindy: No I don't like it.

Greg: Why not?

Cindy: I don't like the fact that you've been doing a terrible job reciting your lines.

Greg: What lines?

Cindy: We don't improvise, the creator doesn't like it.

Greg: What creator?

Cindy: What do you mean?

Greg: I'm confused.

Cindy: That's obvious.

Greg: Who is the creator and what doesn't he like?

Cindy: She like!

Greg: She like?

Cindy: The creator is the one who gives order to the universe. The creator likes us all to play their part.

Greg: What part is that?

Cindy: For me I pretend to be a rodeo clown. Now get back to your part.

Greg: Why though?

Cindy: So you don't make the creator angry.

Greg: I don't want to be a grill jockey at mc Donalds anymore.

Cindy: What?

Greg: I mean, what other wonderful things am I capable of?

Cindy: In that outfit? Nothing.

Greg: I thought it was cute. Hey, do you want to go out some time?

Cindy: What?

Greg: I mean I already have your phone number.

Cindy: That's it I can't work under these conditions.

Storms off the stage.

Greg: Shall I call you later?

Greg shrugs and exits the stage

Cindy is standing in her spot, Greg enters limping, wearing a torn up and abused bunny suit. His hair is mussed up and he's dirty.

Greg: Hi.

Cindy: What happened to you?

Greg: nice day

Cindy: You're a mess.

Greg: I don't really want to talk about it.

Cindy: What happened?

Greg: I was hit by a bus.

Cindy: you look like it.

Greg: Well it dragged me along behind it for a while.

Cindy: ouch.

Greg: I really don't want to go into work today, wish I could skip.

Cindy: I'll bet, have you gone to see a doctor yet?

Greg: that's a shame, what do you do?

Cindy: Hmmm? Oh! I'm a professional rodeo clown.

Greg: that sounds both exciting and dangerous.

Cindy: it's both, it's a fantastic adrenaline rush, the bull and the crowds all watching you, it's like being an action hero or a firefighter or something.

Greg: Sounds like you really love what you do, that's fantastic, I wish I were so lucky.

Cindy: really, what do you do?

Greg: Nothing so romantic, I happen to be a grill jock for micky d's.

Cindy: Really? Have you ever met him?

Greg: Who?

Cindy: I can't do this anymore. You should really go see a doctor.

Greg: Maybe, I think I look worse than I feel.

Cindy: Even if that is true, you look terrible.

Greg: Thanks a lot. no, I've never met him...he doesn't hang around with the likes of me, I'm just a lowly peon ya know, just a burger flipper.

Cindy: I'm serious. You should get checked out.

Greg: Shouldn't we finish this first?

Cindy: There are more important things than work.

Greg: I guess. Where is the nearest hospital?

Cindy: I'll go with you.

Greg: Thanks.

Cindy: Where did you get that silly suit anyway?

They exit the stage together arm in arm, though he is leaning on her slightly.
A Sad State of Affairs

Jim Trelain

Liz Straun

Eugene

Johnny Trelain

Arthur Trelain

Karen Smith

Cleo Straun

Ned

Crowd at the Gallery

Scene1: Setting: Late summer, around the end of July the beginning of August. Basement, furnished as a basement family room type area. A couple older family couches and a television as well. Some ratty old carpet on the floor. The stairs leading to the basement are behind the curtains off stage. Late morning on a Saturday. Jim is relaxed in one of the couches, rereading the newest edition of his favorite comic book when Eugene walks in.

Eugene – Hey Jim

Jim – Sup gee dawg!

Eugene – Not a whole lot...you?

Jim – Nuthin here yo!

Eugene – Jim, is Art back yet?

Jim – Not yet, why do ya ask?

Eugene – I need to talk to him about something.

Jim – Well he should be back later today, he was planning on making the opening of Liz's show.

Eugene ( _sits down on the other couch and sighs_ ) Thanks, I'll catch him then. ( _Pause_ ) Are you still reading that stupid comic book?

Jim\- Damn strait! Sumo Assassin kicks ass! And I'll thank you not to call it stupid.

Eugene – It's the dumbest concept for a comic book ever. A Sumo wrestler who fights for the forces of good as a vigilante by killing bad guys, and also making some money while he's at it. And his sidekick, Toothpick...what a dork, Toothpick is like the most useless sidekick ever.

Jim – You just fear the mad sumo skills. And it's Skinny, Sumo Assassin's sidekick is named Skinny. You also forgot about the sumo-mobile, anybody who drives a steam roller with a built in jet engine has my loyalty for life. Besides Skinny has great super abilities, he can slip into places that Sumo can't go. Not to mention he's a master of disguise, he can speak 12 languages fluently and women dig him because he is a master on the dance-floor.

Eugene – The Sumo-mobile is just a cheap rip-off of the bat-mobile. The entire story is about a famous millionaire sumo wrestler turned vigilante. "Wrestling for the honor of the downtrodden." What the hell were they smoking when they came up with that one? And Twiggy? No chicks would ever like him, he weighs 50 pounds, chicks like guys with big muscles. Then there's his hair, did he stick a finger in a light socket? And don't forget that Pig Latin and Klingon don't count real languages. When he does say something it's usually so pointless and offensive that any chicks who might have managed to overlook his bizarre hair and lack of physical mass would be so insulted that they would probably try to kill the annoying little bastard.

Jim – Don't even compare Batman to Sumo Assassin! Batman is a weakling in a stupid costume with some gizmos, without his gizmos he's just a loser in tights. All Sumo Assassin has to protect him from his enemies are, his Sumo Loin Cloth, and his Sumo Fighting Skills. They're all he needs. Hell the loincloth isn't even bullet proof. On top of that the Sumo-mobile can outrun the Bat-mobile any day of the week, not to mention the fact that its solar powered so its earth friendly.

Eugene – And what pray tell were Slim's other powers? Oh yeah that's right, he can eat all he wants and not gain a pound. Wooooooooo, damn the bad guys must be quaking in their boots at Slim's eating disorder. Wonder if they're all afraid of getting vomit on them...

Jim – Skinny is the comic relief. If the entire thing were just Sumo fighting, and killing his enemies, it would get kind of boring, so they have someone to laugh at. Skinny's other job is to distract the bad guys while Sumo Assassin charges up his Super Sumo Slap Attack. And last but not least, Skinny is there to make sure that Sumo gets his money's worth when they go eat at a buffet.

Eugene – ( _laughs_ ) They're the dumbest pair of heroes ever.

Jim ( _goes back to reading his comic book, till something occurs to him_ ) Gene, is there something wrong? You haven't acted like a gangster in the last two minutes, you feeling sick or something?

Eugene – I gave up being a gangster last night.

Jim – Huh? What for?

Eugene – It just didn't feel right.

Jim – (grinning) You got your ass kicked again didn't you?

Eugene – Nobody kicked my ass, it just wasn't really me.

Jim – So, who beat you up? Was it that group of wannabe gangsters that you were trying to join? Or was it a real gang?

Eugene – Nobody Kicked My Ass! I'm just not a gangster at heart, it's not the right way to go. Not enough evil. I want a more sophisticated evil.

Jim – They must of really beat you down, I haven't seen you change that fast since that time you....

Eugene – I didn't get my ass kicked!

Jim – Didja run away or cry and beg for mercy this time?

Eugene – I ran, buncha assholes that they were, wanted to hit me with baseball bats and stuff. That isn't what I wanted. I just want people to be afraid whenever they hear my name mentioned, why weren't they quaking in their boots?

Jim – Hate to break it to you, but Eugene doesn't inspire fear into anyone. Well maybe girls who might one day marry a guy with the name Eugene. In fact I bet mom's all over the country use that as a threat 'eat yer peas or else maybe you'll end up marrying a guy named Eugene.' I bet it works too. I'd be afraid.

Eugene \- Shut up dude.

Jim – So, what'd you do to get your butt almost handed to you this time?

Eugene – Nothing.

Jim – Even wannabes don't usually beat people up for no reason. What'd you do this time? Didja make a pass at one of their sisters? Like...

Eugene – No, I didn't do anything.

Jim – Didja use the wrong gang hand-signs again? Like that time when you told those kids that you were a member of the northern-southeastern-side bloody gangsta hood lords...

Eugene – I didn't use and hand signs.

Jim – That was funny, it took em 5 minutes to put all those signs together and realize what you said. When they finally did, I thought they we're gonna die laughing. And then you turned that dark red color and ran off. And then they laughed even harder.

Eugene – I didn't use any hand signs damnit.

Jim – I know, you used your cache of 'your mamma' jokes on em. Am I right? Come on, am I right? Your momma is so fat she eats Wheat-Thicks! That would have done it.

Eugene – No, I didn't call their mom's anything, cut it out damnit, I didn't do anything to make them angry. ( _gets up and paces a bit, rubbing his hands through his hair, or some other sort of nervous/annoyed action_ )

Jim – Since it wasn't something you said...you must have worn your McDonald's uniform for gang colors again.

Eugene – It should have worked, people just don't seem to understand how tough you have to be to work there. The heat, the humiliation, the fact that you work for a clown. It's a dangerous job. The uniform should inspire fear and respect in all who see it. I was even wearing my visor backwards!

Jim – ( _laughs_ ) you only worked at McDonald's for 3 weeks before you quit.

Eugene – That's longer than you lasted janitor-boy, you only made it for like 30 minutes before you quit.

# (Liz walks in)

#

Jim – I only applied cause you were working there. One look at those bathrooms after that group of frat boys stopped in was enough for me. I thought that I had seen some nasty things at school, but that was...

Eugene – I've seen it... ( _both of them suppress a shiver_ )

Liz – Hey Geney, where's your 'gangsta' gear? I'm surprised you don't have it with you, since you spent so much money on it.

Jim – Didn't you hear? Gene's not a gangsta any more. He tried impressing some other gang-banger wannabes and they kicked his ass...

Eugene – They didn't kick my ass.

Liz – What didja do? Throw around the gang signs like that one time we ran into those real gang members? Remember that Jim?

Jim – Yeah, it was one of the funniest things I ever saw. Almost as good as that time that Gene...

Eugene – Gahhhhh ( _gets up and walks swiftly out_ ) I'm outta here. Gotta go find me someone who appreciates, and understands my-evil-self.

Jim & Liz ( _Giggling_ ) Seeya around grand master gee dawg Eugene!

Liz – What a goofus.

Jim – He's never gonna change, always gonna have those delusions of being an evil overlord or something.

Liz – Evil overlord! Hah! He's about as evil as Mr. Rogers. And he spends way too much time in the Land of Make Believe talking to little hand puppets.

Jim – Well, there was that one time where he threw those water balloons at Mr. Svinvali down the street.

Liz – he didn't get within 10 feet of the old man, and he was off and running before the single water balloon that he actually threw was halfway too his target. He's a wimp, and a poor shot. He always runs out of courage before he achieves his goal of becoming 'evil'.

Jim – It was pretty funny when Mr Svinvali caught up with him. It's a good thing that he didn't tell Eugene's father though, that was a relief, especially after the last time Gene's dad found about one of his little adventures. Ah shit...

Liz – ...so that's why Eugene was in the hospital for that entire week. He always claimed that he fell down the stairs to his basement, oh God, I teased him about it, I feel so bad.

Jim – I wasn't sposed to say anything, he's gonna be pissed.

Liz – what happened?

Jim \- Technically he did fall down the stairs. But his dad was the one who kicked him and made him fall. He pretty much moved in here ever since that happened, I don't think he's been home since for more than five minutes at a time. And never when his dad is home.

Liz – Why don't the police do anything about it? We should have that bastard arrested.

Jim – Eugene won't press charges. He only ever says that he tripped. He's been doing it since he was a kid. You know him, he won't fight, no matter how he pretends at being evil. He always finds a way to wiggle out of trouble. Usually.

Liz – who else knows about this?

Jim – Just me and my dad. Even Johnny doesn't know, which I guess is a good thing, maybe, I don't know if Johnny would give Eugene an easier time if he did know. Johnny's temper has been bad since mom and dad divorced.

Liz – Poor Eugy, he's such an imaginative sweet guy, even though he's a goof most of the time. Even with his 'evil plans'.

Jim – Just don't let on that you know, he's really embarrassed by it. I wasn't sposed to tell anyone in the first place. I don't think he would forgive me any time soon if he found out. Just don't say anything about it, no matter what, please.

Liz – Ok ok, I won't say anything, but I think we should still press charges against his father.

Jim – There's no way to prove it, now please drop the whole subject, and try to forget about it.

Liz – I told you I would. God don't you believe me?

Jim – well there was that time...

Liz – Stop bringing that up! God, don't you people ever forget anything.

Jim – Not something THAT funny. I mean the way that you...

Liz – ( _yelling_ ) ...I'm not listening...

-Johnny walks in-Neither Jim or Liz see him

Jim – (also yelling) ...and then there was the rolling on the floor...

Liz – ( _still yelling_ ) ...La dee da dum dee la dee da...

Jim – ...I never saw your parents so embarrassed in my life, it was great

Johnny – Did I miss something?

Jim – Uhh...Not really, we were just discussing who would win in an all out fight, a gang of angry circus midgets wielding pointed sticks, or the seven dwarves after they find out that Snow White is missing.

Liz – Ah yeah, yes, that's it. Ten Midgets didja say? I'm going with the angry gang of midgets wielding the pointed sticks they have the numbers and pointed sticks.

Jim – There doesn't need to be a lot of dwarves, just one of them is worth like 3 midgets, pointed sticks or no pointed sticks. What they lack in quantity they make up in quality. I mean these guys are huge and muscular, at least from a midget's perspective, and they have those pick-axes they use around the mine. The seven dwarves would win hands down.

Liz – you're forgetting that the dwarves have just come home after a long day's work in the mines. They're exhausted, they're not looking for a fight. They don't have a prayer of taking on all 10 of the midgets. The dwarves might be angry about Snow White being kidnapped, but that doesn't compare to even to the daily life of a midget. Midgets have all the pent up rage of being so different from the rest of humanity and condemned to circus life to fuel their fire in the midst of battle. The midgets could take the seven dwarves unarmed and surprised.

Jim – Yeah, you're right, now if it was the dwarves from The Hobbit that'd be a different story. The Seven Dwarves just have too many neuroses to deal with on top of a pack of angry bloodthirsty midgets. I concede, the dwarves never stood a chance, and I knew it from the get go.

Johhny – ( _Sneering_ ) Then why did you back them then if they can't win.

Jim – Cause of that song they sing, the midgets can't touch the dwarves in the realm of singing those cheerful and catchy coming home from work songs. They have heart! If this were like a battle of the bands, the dwarves would grind the midgets to dust, and then dance on the dust.

Johnny – You're an idiot, I can't believe that we're related.

Jim – Another pleasant mood I see. Catch yourself in your zipper again didja?

Johnny – Fuck you. I'm outta here. ( _turns around and leaves_ )

Liz – What's his problem?

Jim – I'm not sure, I think mom fed him lead paint chips when he was a kid.

Liz – That would explain a lot, he has only gotten worse lately.

Jim – For some reason the divorce hit him hard. It doesn't make much sense, mom never treated him all that well.

Liz – She always seemed nice to me.

Jim – Mom was like 2 different people, she was lovable and sweet around company, but when there was only us... she told him a million times since he was a baby that she hated him and that he was a mistake. She meant it too.

Liz – You're making this up aren't you. You're just messing with me, very funny Jimbo, very funny. Saying those kind of things about your own mother. Its wrong...

Jim – Do you remember Johnny's tenth birthday where he got all the presents and stuff? That mound of gifts, and the huge party?

Liz – Of course, I was sooooo jealous, my parents haven't ever done that sort of thing for me...

Jim \- Well the party was paid for out of Johnny's college savings account. He kind of made a nuisance of himself to get a party, so she made him spend his money to pay for it.

Liz – That must have cost a fortune, did he have to pay for the gifts too? They must have cost $1000 alone.

Jim – No, other people bought some of those...

Liz – well that's not so bad as I thought...

Jim – She took the ones that we bought him back to the stores, and the rest she gave to the rest of it all to the Salvation Army. She told him "those things were too good for someone as worthless as him." He must have cried for a month afterwards. That was just one event. She told him that sort of thing all his life, when she wasn't trying to control all of our lives. She ground him into the dirt at every opportunity.

Liz – How did you and your father get through it when poor Johnny didn't?

Jim – Dad spent a lot of time at work. There were some weeks when he was working 60 hours or more. He always claimed that he was trying to support the family, but after the shop became more and more successful he was making some damn good money. He even hired a few other workers to help with the work-load.

Liz – Dad always thought that he was just a hard worker and a 'good Christian man'. How about you? How did you survive your mom?

Jim – A good friend of mine, you may know him, saved me.

Liz – oh? Who?

Jim – Sumo Assa...

Liz – Not that stupid comic book character. I thought you grew out of that. What is with you and those stupid comic books? You could have at least picked something good like Batman.

Jim – Sumo has always been there for me in my times of need.

Liz – Really?

Jim – Yeah, till mom found out what they meant to me. She burned my collection when I was at school one day. At least all the comics she could find anyways. I hid the rest. ( _shakes his head_ ) I had every edition of Sumo Assassin all in mint condition. They'd be worth a fortune now to another collector.

Liz – I doubt it, you were the only person I've ever met who read that comic and actually kept reading it.

( _Eugene enters quietly and sneaks up on the couple_ )

Jim – Hey, Sumo Assassin has a large and loyal fan base!

Liz – Only, if you mean that the people who read it are all fat kids.

Eugene – ( _Yells_ ) SEE! I told you that that comic was stupid! See Liz agrees with me! ( _does a victory dance_ ) I'm right and you're wrong! Once again evil triumphs!

Jim – What do you want now Gene?

Eugene – I'm right, right yes.... Oh? What? Oh yeah, I've been thinking about what you said about Eugene not being a name to inspire fear in the masses.

Liz – ( _snickers_ ) You can say that again, it's almost as bad as Wesley in its ability to scare people. Unless you're the person being named Eugene or Wesley, then it's scary.

Jim – What about it Gene?

Eugene – Well I'm thinking of changing it to make it scarier...

Jim – Oh God, here we go

Eugene – ...and since you have so many good ideas I could really use your help.

Jim – What do you want? Something like 'Eugene the Destroyer'?

Eugene – No no no! I want a name that rings through the ages, one that people will remember one thousand years from now, one that rolls off their tongue, even as it makes them quiver in fear.

Jim – Well 'Eugene the Destroyer' wont really do that. How about Stalin?

Eugene – Be serious, Stalin's already been taken, but that's the kind of fear that I want to inspire. Don't forget it needs to sound good.

Liz – How about 'Shaka Zulu Head-Eater'

Eugene – It sounds good, but it's way too long.

Jim – Chainsaw Bob maybe?

Eugene – I already used that one. Come on, help me out here Jim. Quit goofing around.

Liz – That was his biker name Jim.

Jim – Ah yes, the biker name, I was wondering where I was remembering it from. Why was it that you quit being a biker?

Eugene – Bikers aren't evil enough to suit me, they're just mean and sometimes stinky. So can we get back to finding a new name?

Liz – They must have beaten him up.

Jim – They didn't like you pretending to be a biker did they?

Eugene – No, they didn't seem to, so they asked me to stop.

Jim – And you did? They asked you to stop and you did? Why didn't I think of that?

Eugene – There were eight large hairy men, and they had knives and clubs. I assume you've seen movies about bikers. Can we get on with the new name now?

Jim – Ah yes, biker movies, I don't think you'd have made one of them a good wife anyways. Guess asking you to stop wouldn't work for me after all.

Liz – I told you that you should start lifting weights, besides you might look cute in a leather jacket.

Jim – I think it's easier not to piss large men off, then they have no reason to hurt me, and I have no reason to life weights, so I don't need large muscles. Unless you count the appeal to chicks. Besides working out would require going out in that hot weather under that big hot shiny bright thing.

Liz – A little exercise out in the sunshine won't hurt you.

Jim – Maybe, maybe not, but it would cut into my video game time. In the end that's all that really matters.

Eugene – Hello? Scary names? Causing fear? Still there?

Jim – That's right, terrifying names. Terrifying names. Microsoft? Strike fear into the hearts of millions.

Liz – ( _giggles_ )

Eugene – Oh funny. Look if you don't want to help...

Jim – Hey I'm trying. It's harder than it looks.

Eugene – You could concentrate on the task at hand. How do you ever get your homework done if you can't concentrate? You're going to be a janitor forever.

Jim – If you're going to be an asshole about it...

Eugene – Touchy, touchy. God I was just kidding. Look I'm sorry, I didn't mean to offend. Now can we get on with the name?

Liz – If you want something big and bad and scary, why don't you go with a famous name, that no human has ever used, like Polythemus, or Kraken or even Grendal.

Eugene – Hey, that's a good idea, I would never have thought of using a name of a mythological monster. Thanks Liz.

Jim – Most of those names aren't well known, and the people who do know them would die of laughter rather than of fear.

Liz – Use a modern monster name then, like King Kong or Dracula or something.

Eugene – Hey great! I know, Godzilla. It's perfect. GODZILLA!

Jim – Godzilla is just a guy in a dinosaur costume. You'd do about as well taking the name Barney. Maybe then you'd get people to hug you.

Eugene – Non-believer. It'll work. It's a well know fact that Godzilla is feared by millions of Japanese people.

Jim – Right...and where did you hear that fact? Hmmmm? You haven't been buying tabloids again have you?  
Eugene – I never bought tabloids. That would be stupid. I stole them, or just read them in the checkout line. And about Godzilla being feared, well I was talking to Rusty down the street.

Jim – Wait, you mean the same Rusty who never leaves his parent's basement and watches nothing but Japanese cartoons? The one who got thrown into the school dumpster every day at lunchtime by the girls chess team?

Eugene – That's the Rusty and it's called _Anime_. Well Rusty was telling me about how it's illegal to yell 'Godzilla' in a Japanese theatre, like how it's illegal to yell Fire in an American theatre. He says that it's because the Japanese are that afraid of Godzilla. And who can blame them after he ruined Tokyo so many times. But anyways Rusty said that most older Japanese people will just soil their shorts even at the mention of their old nemesis. Not only that, but everyone knows the name Godzilla. Godzilla will be perfect! Thanks Liz! ( _Starts walking towards the door_ )

Jim & Liz – Wait where are you going?

Eugene – I'm going to test out my new name. There's gotta be a few Japanese tourists somewhere around town. I am GODZILLA! ( _Walks off stage_ )

Liz – He's not going to get himself hurt is he?

Jim – Hard to say, this has got to be more harmless than some of the other things he was doing though. Most likely he'll just get chased off by some angry tourists.

Liz – What's he done that is worse than this? And what did he mean when he said 'you're good at this sort of thing.'

Jim – He didn't mean anything by it.

Liz – He meant something by it, otherwise he wouldn't have said anything. Now what did you do?

Jim – you know Gene, he says thing all the time. He was just being Gene.

Liz – What did you do? You didn't give him the idea to tell the anorexics that they were fat did you?

Jim – No, that's cruel. I had nothing to do with that, or the time that he was hanging out in the retirement home and mouthing speech to make the old folks think that they were going deaf.

Liz – James you tell me what you did to make Eugene come to you for advice.

Jim – Or what?

Liz – Or I'll tell everyone I know that I've seen you naked.

Jim – Ohhhhh I'm shaking.

Liz – And I'll let them all know that there wasn't anything worth seeing.

Jim – ( _Dumbfounded_ ) And you complain that Gene is cruel.

Liz – ( _Slaps him_ ) Damint Jim tell me.

Eugene – GODZILLA!

Jim – Alright, alright. Well you remember when Gene was calling people up at three in the morning and doing that evil laugh...

Liz – Yeah, that got annoying...

Jim – I know, he did it to me like 10 times.

Liz – So?

Jim – Finally I just snapped and told him that calling people and laughing like a maniac wasn't evil, it was just annoying.

Liz – What does that have to do with it?

Jim – Well, he kept on badgering me and asking me how he could make it truly evil, you know Gene, once he gets something into his head he sticks with it until he gets it working, unless it almost kills him.

Liz – Or until he gets beaten up.

Jim – That too.

Liz – So what did you suggest?

Jim – I told him that calling people at 3 am wasn't evil. Calling people at 3 am long distance and collect is evil. I figured that way he would at least stop calling me.

Liz – Oh, that's all. Wait a minute... How did he get the queen of England's home phone number? And how did he get them to accept a long distance collect call from someone they didn't even know? And how did he do it without being caught and sent over to the Brits for the butt-whupping that he deserved?

Jim – I think he found the number on the internet. As for how he got them to answer, I think he told the servant who answered that the United States was calling to invite the queen to brunch or something. I think the Royal family has been inbreeding their servants a little too long. As for the rest, I'm sworn to secrecy.

Liz – But it was all over the news! 'Local mad-man harasses Queen of England over phone'. They were searching for weeks! And it was Gene all along?

Jim – Yep, he moved up into the realm of international nuisance.

Liz – Gene, the most sought after phone prankster on the planet...

Jim – We know a legend.

Liz – But why can't we know a good kind of legend? Like an athlete or a movie-star? Why does it have to be an evil-wannabe prankster?

Jim – Beggars can't be choosers I guess.

Liz – But I didn't want it! Doesn't that count for anything?

Jim – Sorry, no. You're doomed to be apart of the Gene Saga just like the rest of us. Maybe if you're lucky, when historians decide to piece together what went wrong here, you won't be blamed for what happened here.

Liz – What do you mean? Why would I be blamed?

Jim – Well you could be the beautiful lover who turned him to evil. Or the cold-hearted sister figure who abandoned him when he most needed you.

Liz – Where would they get those ideas?

Jim – They're historians, they get those kind of ideas all the time. Besides I'll make sure to write it in my journal.

Liz – You have a diary? Why didn't I know about that? Am I in it? Did you say that I'm beautiful in your diary?

Jim – It's not a diary it's a journal, there's a difference. And anyways anything I put into it is classified material. Hush hush, need to know type information.

Liz – Not a diary huh? What's the difference between a diary and a journal hmmm? They seem the same to me.

Jim – There are a lot of differences...

Liz – Such as?

Jim – Well... A Journal... A diary... Journals aren't pink. And... And the cover says diary instead of journal... Journal rather than diary that is. Anyone can keep a Journal, where as diaries are usually kept by thirteen year old girls who only talk about their first kiss and the newest popular music groups.

Liz – How long have you been keeping your diary?

Jim – I've been keeping my _JOURNAL_ since I was 14.

Liz – And what do you write about? Cute girls and your favorite bands?

Jim – I write about stuff. Things, this and that. Nothing you would care to read.

( _Johnny re-enters_ )

Liz – Like car races and power tools and machine guns and stuff.

Jim – Just stuff. Why don't you believe me that you wouldn't be interested?

Johnny – Give it up, he's right it's boring and stupid. I'm surprised that Jim even bothered to write the crap down.

Jim – What the hell? You little shit! How many times have I told you to keep away from my things? Goddamn little bastard. If I ever catch you in my room again, you'll wish you'd hanged yourself a long time ago. Speaking of which, why don't you go kill yourself now, it would make the world a better place.

Johnny \- Fuck you, I'll do whatever I want. Don't worry about me reading your diary again anyways, it sucked. Everything in it was completely moronic. God I can't believe that I read it in the first place.

Liz – What's in your diary?

Jim – JOURNAL.

Johnny – Diary.

Jim – JOURNAL.

Liz – I want to know.

Johnny – It's not worth reading, he just writes about his 'thoughts'. Nothing exciting, just stupid things like whether or not life is a dream. He doesn't even bother to make it coherent, he just dribbles it out using big words. Most of those words he doesn't use correctly. Idiot.

Liz \- You mean like his Canadian change theory?

Jim – They're damn good ideas. And you're just angry cause you don't understand words with more than four letters and one syllable. And who are you calling idiot? I'm not the one who failed Gym class.

Johnny – The Canadian change theory was there. I still can't believe that he even bothered to waste the time to write it down.

Liz – Neither can I. What were you smoking when you came up with that one Jim? It sounds like something Eugene would invent.

Jim – That theory is sound and ingenious. The two of you are just blind to Canada's evil plans. Don't blame me when there's a Mounty on every street corner.

Liz – Right, Canadian overlords, Eh. ( _laughs_ ) Can't trust those Canuks.

Johnny – You actually believe that the Canadians are slowly invading the United States don't you. Mom must've dropped you on your head when you were a baby. I wouldn't put it past the bitch.

Jim – Why don't you two see it? They've already got Northern Michigan, Wisconsin, and Minnesota.

Johnny – Got any proof brain-child?

Jim – Canadians drink beer, watch obsessive amounts of hockey and say Eh. People in those northern states drink beer, watch obsessive amounts of hockey and say Eh. All three of those states border Canada. Those states have obviously been slowly taken over by advanced Canadian forces.

Johnny – I suppose that all the famous movie stars born in Canada are really advance scouts for the rest of the army then. Spreading their evil propaganda and brain-washing the masses hmmmm?

Jim – Damn strait, those Canadians are sneaky bastards. They spread like a virus, but they do it slowly so nobody notices. But I'm on to them. They won't get away with this!

Liz – Bwa ha ha ha!

Jim & Johnny – What was that?

Liz – That was an evil sounding laugh, I learned it from Gene.

Jim – But why did you do it?

Liz – It just seemed to fit into the whole mood of the conversation.

Jim – BAH! You people won't open your eyes until people in Palm Beach are drinking beer watching hockey and saying Eh. Will you? The whole world is full of blind fools who laugh at anyone who can see the truth and dare to talk about what they see.

Liz – I think some people in Flordia already drink beer and watch hockey, dunno about how often they say Eh though.

Jim – That ain't funny.

Liz – I'm serious, Hockey is popular all over the country.

Jim \- God pity us all I'm too late. I'd better start learning about Canada now. How do you say 'Gimme a beer' in French?

Johnny – I don't think it matters, they'll probably put you into a sanitarium, you're as crazy as that retard Eugene. The Canadians are sposed to have a good healthcare system, maybe they'll fix what-ever is wrong with you. Speaking of the retard, what the hell is he still doin here? Doesn't he have his own family that he can irritate? Or is it 'all part of his evil plan' to piss me off? He's always here. I hate that stupid putz.

Jim – Didn't you know? Gene lives here now, he said it was easier to have a more centralized base of operation. Besides he said he wanted to spend more time with you. Build a relationship. Bring you into his plan.

Liz – What does that mean? Centralized Base of Operations?

Johnny – Yeah, he only lives a mile away from here.

Jim – I just think its part of his master evil plan to piss you off. Seems that Gene has once again scored a point for the forces of darkness. I wonder if he's working for the Canadians. You guys ever seen Gene drink beer and watch hockey?

Johnny – I don't watch Gene do anything. I just wish he'd get outta here.

Jim – Maybe if you're lucky, and ask nicely, he'll teach you about Canada. Then my beloved brother, you can pretend to fit in, but secretly work for the resistance forces.

Liz – That just may work.

Jim – You're our only hope Johnny boy. All our hopes for freedom ride on your capable shoulders! To victory!

Johnny – Then you're screwed jack-ass, I'd rather stand in front of a speeding train and try to stop it with just my psychic powers than to spend an extra minute around that moron.

Liz – Since when did you get Psychic powers?

Jim – Hey do you do readings? I'd kinda like to know my future. Will I meet my knight in shining armor?

Johnny – I don't have psychic powers.

Jim – Then why did you tell us that you did? What a let-down.

Johnny – I just meant that, I'd rather be hit by a speeding train than to talk to the king of idiots again.

Liz – Why didn't you just say that in more simple terms in the first place? No need to lead us on. We got all excited about knowing our future, and here you go and do that.

Jim – Yeah, with a psychic to help us we could stave off the Canadian advance, you got my hopes up.

Johnny – Ha Ha Ha. The king of Idiots, and his two Court Jesters. I can't believe I'm actually talking about this. By the way, dad is home, that's why I came down here. Anyways dorks, I'm outta here. ( _gets up and exits_ )

Jim – ( _Calls after Johnny_ ) Wait, I still want to know my lucky numbers!

Liz – ( _giggling_ ) That was fun.

Jim – Twas indeed, he actually almost cracked a smile. He was even near actual laughter for a few minutes there.

Liz – well we can keep trying. I think it helps the healing process.

Jim – I dunno, He hasn't been in a good mood since he found dad's porn collection.

Liz – Your dad collects porn?

Jim – Well, 'collects' is a bit too strong. He did manage to acquire a huge pile of it though.

Liz – I can't believe that your mom would allow too have that sort of thing in the house.

Jim – She didn't, the pile just seemed to appear about six months after she left. Then it started to multiply. I think he was making up for a lot of lost time. A **lot** of lost time.

Liz – How did John find it? Didn't your dad keep it hidden?

Jim – Ill just say that there was a lot to hide. And to be able to have access to it, well there wasn't any practical way to really keep it out of the hands of anyone who actually bothered to look.

Liz – There's that much?

Jim – Dad could almost start his own shop with what he's got so far.

Liz – I never thought of your dad as a dirty old man before.

Jim – Kinda funny isn't it?

Liz – It's gross!

Jim – I don't think he's gotten laid since well before Johnny was born.

Liz – How can you actually talk that way about your dad? He's your dad!

Jim – We all have urges you know. Just cause he's a bit older doesn't change anything. I think the pile of porn defiantly proves that. I bet your parents are the same.

Liz – My parents? Yeah right!

Jim – They're both healthy active adults. They made you didn't they. Just in case you slept through health class, sex is how babies are made.

Liz – First of all, it's disgusting thinking about my parents doing that. Secondly, even when they sleep in the same house, they sleep in different beds.

Jim – They sleep in different beds? It's like a 1950's television show. Anyways they could push the beds together from time to time.

Liz – They couldn't push the beds together though, they sleep in different rooms.

Jim – I'm surprised that each of them doesn't have their own porn collections that rival my dad's.

Liz – They don't need to buy porn.

Jim – They visit each other's rooms then?

Liz – No, they hardly talk to each other.

Jim – How do they manage staying sane?

Liz \- Well dad has his secretary, I think anyways. And mom, well she has the gardener, the pool boy, the mail-man, and any other strait male human being who is unfortunate to come across her path, and a few who don't even get that close.

Jim – Sounds like your mom is busy, and that would explain a few things.

Liz – What would it explain?

Jim – Nothing in particular...

Liz – Don't pull that crap on me again Jim, what does it explain?

Jim – What crap? I'm not doing anything?

Liz – Jim, you have to the count of three ( _Gets up and acts threatening_ ) ...one!

Jim – Four Thousand and Six!

Liz – Two! ( _Continues acting threatening_ )

Jim – Forty-two!

Liz – Thr... ( _Ready to hit him_ )

Jim – ...She pinched me!

Liz – Where?

Jim – At your house mostly...

Liz – I mean what part of you did she pinch?

Jim – She pinched my butt. It was rather uncomfortable. You said my dad was a dirty old man, your mom...

Liz – That Bitch. I told her to leave you alone. Is that why you don't come over any more? Is that why you didn't come to my pool party?

Jim – I didn't go to that because my swimsuit makes me look fat.

Liz – Jim...

Jim – Alright, your mother makes me extremely uncomfortable, with all her little smiles and suggestions and the pinching. With that on top of my swimsuit making me look fat, well I just didn't feel up to it.

Liz \- I guess I'm going to have to talk to her again. This time she'd better listen.

Jim – Um, ok.

Liz – I gotta be going soon to the showing. Will you please stop by?

Jim – Will your mother be there?

Liz – For at least a little while.

Jim – I really don't want to see her again. Especially after you 'talk' to her.

Liz – She'll be there for the first half. I think she plans to leave about two-ish. She's meeting the gardener to 'discuss some shrubberies'.

Jim – I'll be there after two then. Maybe I'll bring Johnny or dad along as protection.

Liz – I don't think she would hit on Johnny, he's too young for her tastes. And your father isn't her type.

Jim – Lucky them. Hate to say this, but your mom is kind of nasty.

Liz – Yet the gardener and the mailman like her.

Jim – I've seen your gardener, it's not like women throw themselves at him. I bet his porn collection is even bigger than my dad's.

Liz – He has my mom. He doesn't need porn.

Jim – I think the porn would be more appealing. It doesn't smoke all those cigarettes. How does your mom smoke that much and still manage not to get ten different cancers?

Liz – I think she was born to smoke, perhaps she was genetically crossed with a tobacco plant. Well I have to go ( _Gets up and starts for the door_ ), remember she leaves around Two. Please come.

Jim – Will do.

Liz – Bye Jim. ( _walks out_ )

Jim – See you at the show. ( _goes back to reading his comic book_ )

Scene 2

Later that day. An art gallery. Several pedestals with 'art', one being a cardboard box supposedly filled with ceramic pieces. And several paintings are on display. The art work all has spotlights on it, in addition to the regular lighting. Several people are looking at the creations and acting like they are holding conversations as they move about and look at the exhibit. Liz and her mom are speaking apart from the crowd. Jim is in the background studying a painting, wearing a trench coat with the hood up some dark sunglasses and a set of Groucho Marx glasses, facing away from Liz and her mother. Cleo is smoking, from time to time she lights up a new one.

Cleo – Your show is going fabulously darling.

Liz – Yes, I seem to be a hit.

Cleo – Isn't it though. I imagine that you will be a big star when it is through baby. All our years of hard work are finally beginning to pay off.

Liz – Yes all those years of work are finally paying off.

Cleo – After this, you are going to be a big celebrity. As famous as Andy Warhol at the very least. I imagine that the biggest art publications will all have stories about you. I'll be so proud of you baby. Oh I cannot wait until I can tell all my friends. They will all be quite jealous.

Liz – Something to look forward to.

Cleo – Why baby what ever is wrong?

Liz – I'm fine mother.

Cleo – Darling clearly something is bothering you.

Liz – I said that I am fine mother.

Cleo – Obviously there is something the matter darling, you have been a little snippy all day. Now be a good girl and tell your mother what is troubling you. Is it the talk shows? We'll do fine on them.

Liz – Mother why did you do it?

Cleo – Do what baby?

Liz – Why did you hit on Jim? I told you to leave him alone.

Cleo – What do you mean? I have left him alone.

Liz – Jim told me that you pinch him whenever he comes over. That's the reason why he didn't come to my pool party.

Cleo – And you believed him darling? Maybe he was just making excuses.

Liz – Please, he's my best friend. I know he wouldn't lie to me about that.

Cleo – Men lie all the time.

Liz – So do you. You seem to have to flirt with all my boyfriends. I've even seen you chase the gardener and just about every other man you come across.

Cleo – Elizabeth!

Liz \- Why couldn't you just leave Jim alone?

Cleo – Elizabeth!

Liz – Is there some reason why you have to go chasing after my best friend?

Cleo – I can't believe that you are saying what you are saying. Why you little ingrate. If we were at home right now I would bend you over my knee and spank you.

Liz – Oh you couldn't do that mother, you might break a nail.

Cleo – Where do you get off speaking to me like that?

Liz – Oh I just guess I wasn't raised very well, my mother spent so much of her time sleeping with the gardener and her tennis instructor.

Cleo – I never did anything, those are all lies made up by your father to turn you against me! I never touched either of those men. I was faithful to your father!

Liz – I have pictures.

Cleo – You little sneak! Well your father has been cheating on me too, with his secretaries, since just a little while after you were born.

Liz – I've got pictures of that as well. It all makes for a wonderful family album to show my children one day. 'Look kids, here's your grandmother and another one of her "friends".' 'Mommy, grandma sure had a lot of friends,' 'yes sweetie she did, but so did your grandfather.'

Cleo – And when do you ever plan to have children hmmm? You waste all your time dreaming about your thick-headed friend Jim when you could be serious with a real man who treats you more like the beautiful young woman you are.

Liz – I like Jim, he's nice, and fun to be with. And I think he'll figure out that I like him more than just being friends.

Cleo – My daughter you don't seem to understand men in the least. Let me fill you in on some little details that I have picked up over the years. Will that be okay with you?

Liz – Oh by all means mother, inspire me with your great insight and wisdom.

Cleo – That is enough of your rudeness. If not love for your mother, I at least demand the respect that you would give a teacher. Are you at least adult enough to handle that Elizabeth? Or would you rather we go our separate ways from now on.

Liz – All right mother, I am interested in hearing what you have to say, though I do question how valid and advice you have about men may be.

Cleo – Very funny Elizabeth, now if you're finished...?

Liz – Yes mother, I've nothing else to say for the time being. I'm ready to listen to what you have to say.

Cleo – I doubt that this is the ideal location for a proper mother to daughter talk, but we aren't exactly the ideal mother and daughter. I should have done this a long time ago, but I was busy with other things then... Where to begin. With the basics I suppose, you already know about the mechanics of sex, but it's up to me to fill you in on men themselves. Men are stupid. I mean it in the most loving way possible. But, men are stupid. They're blind, they don't see or understand what is standing right in front of them, what is absolutely plain to you and I. Take you're friend Jim for example, I doubt its even crossed his mind that you have any romantic interest in him what-so-ever. He is blissfully un-aware that you have been mooning over him for the last ten years of your lives, though I think you could have made a better choice.

Liz – Mother, we've been over this before...

Cleo – Yes, yes, I know you're sticking with Jim, and hoping that one day he'll see the light. Well Elizabeth it will never happen.

Liz – We've been over this too mother, he's not gay, just because he didn't accept your...

Cleo – And you're not listening to me dear. Jim being a man, and inherently flawed for being so, is never going to realize that you love him. The only way that he might get it is if you let him know strait out how you feel.

Liz – How? Just come out and tell him that I love him?

Cleo – No Elizabeth, you tell him that you love him, and give him an instructional pamphlet with diagrams and small words, not too much in the way of color and shapes because he might get distracted and forget to read the text, not to mention ignore you when you're exposing your deepest feelings.

Liz – So your entire theory on men is that they're complete imbeciles incapable of doing more than dressing themselves.

Cleo – Dear, most men shouldn't be allowed to even pick out their own clothes. But no they're not complete morons, they're quite handy to when it comes to making the clock on the video recorder stop blinking 12:00 for all eternity. But when it comes to important things, like knowing what a woman wants, well they're hopeless. Even on the rare occasions that they actually are paying one hundred percent attention to us, which doesn't happen as often as it should. They're just simple minded, and it's better that you learn than now than later. Otherwise you might end up like me, and that doesn't seem to appeal to you very much.

Liz – ( _A slight warming_ ) Thank you for the advice, I'll try to keep it in mind when I deal with men.

Cleo – My pleasure baby, it's the only motherly thing I can pass on to you. Well I must be going now. I have some 'chores' to see to.

Liz – Good-bye mother, stay out of trouble.

Cleo – Don't start worrying about me, ta-ta darling! ( _Exits the stage_ )

Liz – ( _Looks out at the audience as if studying an art piece, deep in thought_ )

Jim – ( _Notices that Cleo is gone, and slowly carefully sidles up to Liz without her noticing him_.) Is she gone?

Liz – ( _Rather startled_ ) What the hell is wrong with you sneaking up on me like that?

Jim – Shhhh! Is she gone?

Liz – Yes, my mother is gone, and I think she promised not to bother you any more.

Jim – Finally. What do you mean 'think she promised'?

Liz – Exactly what I said, I think she promised to behave.

Jim – I'm confused...

Liz – Why am I not surprised...

Jim – Wouldn't that be something that would have either a yes or no answer? If I asked about the existence of God, or the origin of the universe, or whether or not Twinkies lasted forever, I would expect you to say 'maybe' but not for 'will your mom leave me alone?'

Liz – We got sidetracked. So I'm not quite sure how she answered.

Jim – What didja get side-tracked to?

Liz – Just female troubles, you wouldn't understand.

Jim – You mean like...

Liz \- ...Could be...

Jim – Question withdrawn. ( _puts his Groucho glasses back on_ )

Liz – What are you doing?

Jim – Just in case the answer was no, and your mom comes back. The Boy Scout motto is 'be prepared.' I try to live by that motto.

Liz – You were never a Boy Scout.

Jim – That doesn't mean that I can't adopt their motto, its just good common sense to be prepared.

Liz – Jim, you're never prepared for anything.

Jim – Sure I am.

Liz – Oh yeah? Like what?

Jim – I'm prepared for you're mother's dreaded return.

Liz – That silly disguise doesn't exactly count as preparation...

Jim – I have a knife too.

Liz – And what pray-tell is that for?

Jim – If she comes back I'll use it!

Liz – Jim! You're not planning to stab my mother are you?

Jim – No way! I wouldn't want to do that!

Liz – Then what's the knife for?

Jim – I was planning on stabbing myself, then making my getaway in the ambulance to the hospital.

Liz – Isn't that a bit extreme a reaction? Just excuse yourself and leave. No mess, no pain, and no hurt feelings.

Jim – I've tried that, didn't work.

Liz – You could just pretend to be stomach-ache then.

Jim – Tried that too, did you know that your mother carries around a bottle of stomach tonic with he in her purse?

Liz – Well there has to be a better answer than stabbing yourself.

Jim – Maybe, but having someone call in a bomb-threat won't work every time.

Liz – Very funny Jim.

Jim – I'm serious, Gene and I talked the whole scenario over for days, stabbing myself is the best way to get away from your mom, and by best I mean the way I spend the least time in jail.

Liz – You brought Gene into this before you talked to me about it? Wait, does she hit on Gene too?

Jim & Liz – No.

Jim – Can you imagine anyone who knows Gene actually hitting on him?

Liz – If they were drunk maybe.

Jim & Liz \- Really drunk.

Liz – Sorry, I just blurted that out, didn't think first.

Jim – Can your mom even drink that much, without passing out soon after anyway?

Liz – Maybe, she boasts that she could out drink an entire company of Marines. But I think she would have to cheat to do it.

Jim – An entire company? How do you cheat to in a drinking contest?

Liz – If I told you that, then what edge would I have if we ever had a drinking contest?

Jim – I'll avoid drinking against you in the future. Is that another thing mothers teach their daughters? How to drink like a room full of men?

Liz – Well my mother taught me how to do it, I don't know about what 'normal' mothers do with their daughters. But that is one of the valuable life skills that I learned under my mother's tutelage.

Jim – Might come in handy one day, maybe your true calling is to open a bar, and fleece customers out of their money in fixed drinking contests.

Liz – Maybe, and maybe you can be my tough but honest bouncer.

Jim – Could I carry a sword or something?

Liz – Would you use it?

Jim – Only on people who insisted on singing karaoke, when it's obvious that they have no talent for singing whatsoever.

Liz – Deal, but I get to pick the sword.

Jim – It better be functional and not one of those goofy looking fantasy swords that you're always buying.

Liz – Hey, those swords are designed to be are intimidating, and they do a good job of it. But that doesn't matter. What do you think?

Jim – I like that brightly colored one in the corner over there, the one with all the swirls. It just looks so happy and cheerful.

Liz – That one is called 'Ode to Chaos' it's about a fight my parents had.

Jim – It reminds me more of a commune full of tie-dye wearing hippies. How about that one over there, with that guy lighting a match under that elephant's foot?

Liz – It's called 'Eugene's Last Prank,' and if you can't tell what its about, then I want to know what you've done with the real Jim Trelain.

Jim – You got his hair perfect, but I don't think he'd stoop to something that low-tech and effective, knowing Gene, he'd probably build a catapult and try to coax the elephant onto it, and then see how far an elephant can fly when it's launched through the air by a weapon of war.

Liz – Also knowing Gene, he'd build the catapult way too small, or he would launch himself on accident, but with his luck he wouldn't die. The poor old lady that he'd land on would break his fall. But what Gene would try to do in real life doesn't really matter, as that drawing isn't literal. On with the critique.

Jim – I also liked the one with all the bright swirls of color on top of that layer of white. It's just seems so cheerful and happy, it really cheers me up. You must have been in a good mood when you painted it.

Liz – That one is called 'The Storm,' it's about my parents' marriage and all the fights they have all while hiding it from the rest of the world.

Jim – Oh, well it could have been cheerful. Sorry. I should have read the title, it was just so bright and happy looking, I gotta learn to pay attention.

Liz – Yes you do need to pay attention, that's how you got into trouble with...

Jim – ...I only did that once, and I have been watching for those conditions ever since.

Liz – Too bad you weren't paying attention the first time it happened. But let's keep moving.

Jim – Well, I love the two, of first, Jesus shaking hands with Elvis, and then of them fighting a gaggle of ninjas. It isn't about your parents is it? I just thought it was about Jesus and Elvis fighting ninjas. That would make a sweet comic book, the King of Rock and Roll and the King of Kings, battling ninjas and the forces of evil to save the world. They would need a jet, and some fancy gizmos, but man would it kick. 'Elvis, shalt we implant our sandals into the asses of these dark warriors?' 'Yeah good buddy, time to give em a free trip to heartbreak hotel'.

Liz – It doesn't have a name, I just painted it for fun. It's not about my parents or anything else. It might well have been since Mother really didn't want that one in the show, but it has made a lot of people laugh, and the posters of it are selling well.

Jim – There are posters? I gotta get me one of those.

Liz – For you, it's on the house, and I'll sign it as well.

Jim – Woo-hoo! I feel special now.

Liz – You are special.

Jim – It's all the paint-chips I ate as a kid, with the right dip they're pretty good.

Liz – Sometimes I think you were dropped on your head as a baby, but with a skull that thick I think that you hurt the floor worse than it hurt you. Come on, I want your opinion on my work.

Jim – Over all, I like it a lot.

Liz – But...

Jim – I was wondering...

Liz – Wondering...

Jim – Where's the uh...

Liz – The what?

Jim – The nude painting that you did of me...

Liz – What nude painting of you?

Jim – That answers that question.

Liz – What question? What nude painting? What the hell are you talking about Jim?

Jim – It must have been a dream.

Liz – Are you going to fill me in, or am I going to hurt you.

Jim – I had a really vivid dream where I posed nude for a painting for you. We had a lot of fun, and I think it might have been a good painting.

Liz – Might have been? Didn't you see it?

Jim – Well you were about to show it to me when the event happened.

Liz – What kind of 'event' prevented you from seeing the dream masterpiece?

Jim – Our mothers showed up...

Liz – What did they do?

Jim – Well, my mom tried to beat us both for being 'twisted little perverts' and your mom immediately stripped off all her clothing and demanded to be 'immortalized in all her youthful glory.'

Liz – What happened next?

Jim – I don't know, I didn't stick around. I couldn't sleep for the next two nights either, so the entire dream turned into a hazy reality.

Liz – Well, now you know.

Jim \- Glad to have finally cleared it up, I'm not going to sleep tonight I don't think.

Liz – Whose idea was it?

Jim – Whose idea was what?

Art enters, He divides his time between looking at the paintings and looking for Jim.

Liz – Whose idea was it to do a nude painting?

Jim – Well, it was both of our ideas, you said that you wanted to do a painting of me, I agreed, but then all of a sudden I was modeling in the nude. One of those dream things. At least I wasn't making a nude presentation in front of an entire psychology class again.

Liz – Jim, you have some strange dreams.

Jim – Tell me about it, the weirdest one yet is when you, me, Johnny and Gene were exploring this haunted mansion, Scooby Doo style. Yeah, that was a weird one.

Liz – What happened?

Jim – Well there were things that one would expect in a haunted mansion, ghosts and dancing skeletons and strange noises. But then on top of that Johnny and Gene actually got along well. They actually paired up to explore the mansion willingly, and they didn't kill each other. That's not the weirdest thing, but you get the point.

Liz – So you and me were teamed together?

Jim – Yep

Liz – Did we find anything or do anything interesting?

Jim – The first thing we found was a closet full of old clothing. By the way, you look good in green. After that we wandered around and talked to a couple of ghosts. We did a lot of running away from scary noises. Especially after I tried hitting that one ghost over the head with a fire poker, it didn't care for my intent. Finally we just met back up with Gene and Johnny.

Liz – Did they find anything cool?

Jim – Yes, they were playing video games on this enormous television in the living room.

Art finally sees Liz and approaches her.

Liz – Jim, you need to seek help.

Jim – Probably, but I won't.

Art – Excuse me Liz, but have you seen Jim about here?

Jim – ( _In a silly accent_ ) No sir, there has been nobody named Jim here.

Art – Son, those glasses suit you, they hide that ugly mug of yours quite well.

Jim – Since these are your glasses it must be an inherited family curse to be so homely.

Art – My boy, indeed it is, and if the world is lucky you won't ever have children and pass on our cursed genes.

Jim – What about Johnny? Can he still breed?

Art – In his current mindset, I doubt that your brother will ever attract a woman willing to bear his children. Though he has got your mother's looks which is a big help to that cause. But it's a dark subject on which we linger. Have you got a hug for your old man?

Jim – Anything to do with both Johnny or Mother can be considered a dark subject. ( _Hugs Art_ ) How was your trip? Did you enjoy the 'convention' in Florida?

Liz – Did anything exciting happen?

Art – Well it depends on your definition of exciting. If my exciting you mean 'did I make a fortune and decide to retire,' then no it was a dull trip.

Liz – I'm sorry.

Art – Don't be. I did get to ogle a great many women half my age wearing not but skimpy swimwear. It was truly a wonderful experience for a man my age, or for a man of any age for that matter. Well Elizabeth, I am truly impressed with your talent once again. So much creativity and talent combined into a pretty girl. You'll make some lucky man very happy one day.

Liz – Thanks Mr. Trelain, Jim was just telling me what he thought. I would appreciate hearing your opinion on what you like and dislike.

Art – Well, I must say I love that painting of Jesus and Elvis shaking hands, and the one next to it of them fighting the Ninjas. It looks so lifelike, and it is extremely unique in concept. For the rest, I'm not art-minded enough to tell you anything special.

Liz – That doesn't matter, just tell me what appeals to you.

Art – I haven't seen it all yet. The other piece that really sticks out in my mind is that one about Gene. Wonderful imagery, and you got his hair perfect. Maybe I can give you more after I get a better look at it all. But first I need to speak with my son. Important issues involving the family, some not for your ears though as close you may be.

Liz – Suddenly there is another place I have to be, I'll expect to talk to you later Art, I want to hear more of your opinions.

Art – I look forward to sharing what I know, or pretend to know. Do you want me to make it sound deep and inspired? Or do you prefer open and honest?

Liz – Open and honest, it's easier and more helpful that way.

Art – Are you sure? Because given some time I can actually sound like I have a clue what I'm talking about. It's not as useful per-say, but it sounds a lot better if you ever decide that you need a quote for a newspaper advertisement. You could have a picture of a handsome male model smiling and giving a thumbs-up sign with the line 'Art says: this stuff is terrifatastic!'

Liz – I'm sure. I need some feedback on my work, and mother isn't saying anything but 'mmmmm hmmmm, I like that' and 'no no no no, that would never sell Darling.' So far my mother is the only person who I've talked to about it, and she only thinks about my work in a monetary fashion. It's hard to grow without any criticism to help me light my way.

Art \- Terrifitastic, the best parts of terrific and fantastic all rolled into one super term. I think I'm actually going to use that from now on. Terrifitastic. That's terrifitastic baby! I'm feeling especially terrifitastic today. I love the sound of that...

Liz – Art?

Art – Terrifia...Oh yes, criticize I shall, but as before stated, I know not art. My world is full of playing with electricity while trying not to get electrocuted. But for you, I'll do my best and try to be helpful.

Liz – Thank you Art. I'm going to find my mother now and see how the show is going through her eyes. And too get something to drink. Not necessarily in that order. See you later Jim. ( _Walking away_ )

Jim – I'll catch up to you later Liz. Oh, by the way Gene wants to talk to you.

Art – Does our beloved Eugene have something in mind?

Jim – Dad, its Gene...

Art – A stupid question on my part. More precisely then, what does he have in mind?

Jim – He didn't say. And he wasn't in the mood to be pressed. So be on the lookout for Gene, he seems to have been a little preoccupied with whatever he needs to talk with you about.

Art – He wasn't in trouble was he?

Jim – I don't think so, he didn't seem to excited, just anxious to talk to you.

Art – Ah well, I guess I'll find out soon enough. Back to the business at hand, your brother Johnny.

Jim – What about him?

Art – Johnny seems to be slipping further away from us.

Jim – How do you mean? He's never been all that close To anyone in the family.

Art – That is indeed true. What I mean is that his grades have fallen from bad to worse. I got a call from the school the other day, they informed me that he has been playing hooky often as of late. He even seems to be angrier than usual.

Jim – I've noticed that he's been in a worse mood than normal, but what do you want me to do about it? He doesn't like me any more than he likes the rest of the world. I can't think of anything I can really do for him.

Art – Maybe not, maybe not. He may hate us all for all eternity, but I'm going to try anyway. I can't just let him waste away like this. I'll do my best by him. That is about all I can offer him. It's all I could ever offer him, and it was never enough, your mother saw to that. I failed him as a father so far. We've all failed him. The entire world, even God. It's no real wonder why he's so damn angry with us all. I just hope we can reach to him before he decides to get revenge on life for the lot he has been cast. I don't know how I would try to reach him in your place. Just try.

Jim – As I said, I'll do what I can. But I think he's going to either end up dead in an ally or in a psycho ward somewhere. He still hates mother with all his being.

Art – She really messed him up, but hopefully we can help him let go, and then heal. If we can't help I'm afraid he might have to go see a psychiatrist.

Jim – He still has the letter.

Art – What?

Jim – He still has mom's letter.

Art – How do you know that? Have you seen it? I thought I burned the damned thing.

Jim – Every now and again I hear him repeating it to himself. If he doesn't have it, he memorized it really quickly.

Art – Your brother is intelligent enough to do that. Damn, he's in worse shape than I thought. How do I keep misreading the situation over and over? Damn! Damn! Damn!

Ned – Um, excuse me sir, but there are children here, would you please mind your language in front of them. We need to set a good example as adults.

Art – Yes I will, if you'll promise to set an example by minding your business.

Ned – Sir, there is no need to be rude, it was just a simple request for some common courtesy.

Art – You're correct, there is no reason to be rude, and this is hardly the place for obscene language. I just have other things on my mind this day, but I will try to watch what I say. I humbly apologize for my rudeness.

Ned – No hard feelings. Personal problems eh?

Art – Personal problems. I apologize once again. And now I return to my problems.

Ned – Excuse me, but I might be able to help you.

Art – Might you now? How would you manage that?

Ned – With a simple word of wisdom. One that always helps me in my time of need.

Art – Well don't keep me waiting, what is this comforting piece of wisdom to which you hold the secret?

Ned – It's not a great secret, just some people seem to forget it.

Art – You have my curiosity peaked, would you care to inform me of this oft forgotten knowledge.

Ned – It's quite simple. I can put it into three small words. Jesus loves you.

Art – That's it?

Ned – So simple isn't it?

Art – A bit too simple.

Ned – What do you mean?

Art – Well you dangled me on a hook for all that time, only to build up the suspense for your great cure-all concept and then feed me with some nonsense about faith. Telling me that I am unconditionally loved by that a man several centuries dead is supposed to cure all my ills? How does that work?

Ned – When you realize that Jesus loves you, you will know that all of life's problems can be overcome by faith in God, that is how it helps. And if you take Jesus into your heart, then God will know that you are ready to receive his help and you will be saved from hell. All human discomfort is just a test of strength to sort out the unworthy and separate the wheat from the chaff. All humans really need in life is faith!

Art – Humans don't need than faith. Faith is just a crutch to lean upon. A way to convince yourself that there is some reason for all the pain and humiliation. Rather than grasping reality and actually doing something to help the world, people with faith just wait for luck to see them through.

Ned – What is it we need then?

Art – All people need is love and happiness. That's it. Some happiness you can find on your own, without love. Some of the best kind of happiness comes from love. Not the distant love of a remote God, but a personal love. Love of other people, or love of life. How ever you find Love doesn't matter, because happiness comes with it. You don't need faith in God to find either.

Ned – What a sad life you live, I hope you one day overcome your confusion, and you finally see the light. I will pray for your soul. God bless you.

Art – You're a lunatic aren't you? I never really would have guessed until that last comment of yours. I know a lot of religious people and most of them are fairly accepting of other people's beliefs. They usually don't try to scare people into line. Well anyways go ahead and pray, I doubt that it will do much good, but whatever, have fun with praying for my soul and so forth. Oh, while you're at it, pray for my dog's soul, I don't think he believes in Jesus either.

Ned – I will pray for you, and I will have my church pray for you as well. You are truly lost, but God hasn't given up yet. Now I see why I was compelled to come to this sinful affair. Have faith, obviously He has not forgotten you, and is even now trying to reach out. It is true the lord works in mysterious ways. ( _walks away_ )

Jim – I hate when that happens.

Art – That was the first time for me. Did it happen to you before?

Jim – Not to me particularly.

Art – What does that mean?

Jim – I was around someone else when it happened to him.

Art – Who and when?

Jim – It was Gene, during his 'protesting God' phase, when he would stand outside churches with a sign that said 'God sucks' or something like that.

Art – I remember that. I'm glad he finally grew out of it. Though he chose an odd thing to move on to.

Jim – Odd to an outsider, perfectly understandable to someone who really knows him.

Art – Yeah, but to go from protesting God, to joining a church within a matter of weeks is rather an extreme turn-around even for our Gene.

Jim – If it had to do with religion I would agree.

Art – If not religion why did he join a church.

Jim \- Why does Gene do most anything?

Jim & Art – The attention.

Art – How did he get attention from a church group? Or at least the kind he enjoys?

Jim – Well I think it all started at one of his protests. A group of college kids came up to him and started with something like that guy just did. Then instead of leaving they started singing hymns praising God and Jesus and stuff.

Art – How did that 'convert' Gene?

Jim – I think I missed that part. I wandered off to get something to drink, it was going to be a long day, and I was thirsty. So I left him and walked down the store. I was only gone for about 30 minutes or so and the next thing I know when I came back Gene is talking with these people about God and Jesus and eternal salvation and stuff. He's nodding along, and looking as if he is really interested in eternal damnation. They lead him inside to talk more, and I don't see him for several days.

Art – I thought I kept up with the wild and wacky adventures of Gene, but I don't remember any of this happening.

Jim – It was during the divorce. Gene's response was to protest God.

Art – He is a creative kid, too bad his energies aren't focused to a better cause. If he'd apply himself he would make a fantastic fiction writer. Ah well, Gene is Gene, doubtful that he would ever change. How long before we get to the punch-line?

Jim – Not to long now, he couldn't hold out long under the pressure. Even pretending to be strait-laced was hard on Gene, he actually had to cut his hair and look 'respectable'

Art – Was I really that out of it during the divorce? Gene cut his hair and actually wore nice clothing. I think I would have noticed that Jimbo, are you trying to pull one on me?

Jim \- This all actually happened, and you were out of it, you forgot to pay the bills for three months, and if you recall you wouldn't take the time to eat unless either Gene, Liz or I brought you something and nagged till you finished it.

Art – Ah yes, food the fuel for life. It doesn't seem all that important to eat when your world is falling apart. How long did it take for Gene to finally snap?

Jim \- He started spending a lot of time hanging out at their church doing bible lessons. He actually applied himself to it, and was pretty good at debating the bible and other religious topics in just a couple of months. Gene turned Conservative Christian, it was kind of scary for several months. After about three or four months of taking bible lessons they decided to baptize him.

Art – Three months without offending the entire group and getting him-self kicked out? I am indeed impressed by Gene's willpower, I didn't know he even possessed that much. He didn't last much longer did he?

Jim – ( _shaking his head_ ) No. At his baptism. Well I thought he was going through with it, he had me convinced. I thought he was for real and for true going to join that church.

Art – That boy could make a fantastic actor one day. If he doesn't wind up in prison. Or dead.

Jim – I think God likes him. Which ever God is out there. That God likes Eugene.

Art – At that I can only wonder why.

Jim – I think it's because Gene just doesn't give up. Either that or he just keeps God amused with his foolishness.

Art – Jim, that's not true. He gives up all the time. When was the last time he actually saw one of his schemes through to the end?

Jim – His little plans are nothing. If one fails he tries something else. The schemes are just a part of his bigger goal of making a huge nuisance of himself and not getting killed while doing it.

Art – Wonder how much longer he will be able keep on chasing that goal.

Jim – Well, if he keeps his God's favor, Gene will be annoying people until he's one hundred and ten. ( _Eugene enters and Jim sees him, Jim wave's Gene over_ ) Ah, speak of the devil.

Eugene – Jim I need to talk with Art.

Jim – You said that earlier.

Eugene – It's kind of personal.

Jim – I see. I'll be over there. Talk to you later dad.

Art – Indeed kiddo, we have some subjects yet to cover.

Eugene – Thanks Jim. ( _Jim walks away, sits down and pulls out sumo assassin and starts reading_ )

Art – Alright, what do you need this time Gene?

Eugene – I don't know how to begin...

Art – You don't need money again do you?

Eugene – No, no, I just made some cash.

Art – Legally?

Eugene – Of course, I'm not a goddamn thief.

Art – I wasn't aware you had a job, and besides some of the schemes you've come up with haven't exactly legal.

Eugene – I did a little bit of a modeling job.

Art \- _(roars with laughter_ ) You? A model?

Eugene \- Yes, I did some modeling. What's so funny about that.

Art – Gene, sometimes you're like another son so I hate to say this. You've not exactly got the good looks necessary to be a successful model in the ordinary sense. What were you modeling for?

Eugene – I'd rather not talk about it.

Art – That's not what I think it means, does it? There's no need to get into that...

Eugene – It wasn't anything bad, just embarrassing.

Art – We all have to do embarrassing things for money from time to time, it beats starving to death. But you shouldn't have to starve to death yet, you're always welcome at our home.

Eugene – That's what I wanted to talk to you about Art.

Art – What do you need? Are you planning on moving out?

Eugene – Umm, no. It's kind of hard, ummm. Damn, I'm not sure how to say it.

Art – Take your time and think of it, there isn't any hurry.

Eugene – I thought you needed to talk to Jim.

Art \- It can wait for a few more minutes, it's been waiting for years now. I should have talked to him about it a few years ago. Kids grow ups so damn fast, and there's never enough time.

Eugene – I think I have it.

Art – Alright let's have it then.

Eugene – Art, will you adopt me as your own?

Art –Uh?

Eugene – I asked if you would adopt me into the family.

Art – I heard you, I was just a bit surprised by the request. I was expecting that you would need me to testify for your character. Besides we've pretty much adopted you already. You live in our house most of the time, remember?

Eugene \- I meant a legal adoption. The court thing. God I hate that place.

Art – You seem to spend a lot of time there. Might I ask why?

Eugene – it's a conspiracy against me. Besides wearing camouflage doesn't make you invisible like I thought, it just makes you a little harder to pick out when you're in the forest.

Art – No, no boy. I mean, why do you want to be adopted? You're already a member of the family as is, the adopting process is just a formality.

Eugene – I can't explain it. I just don't want to be related to Jerry anymore. I want him out of my life for good. This is the best way I can think of.

Art – You'll always be related to Jerry, he's your father. When was the last time you saw him anyways.

Eugene – Don't call him that damn it. As far as I'm concerned he isn't my father. I hate that man. Hate. God I hope he dies soon. Then I can dance on his grave.

Art – You still haven't answered my questions, when was the last time you saw him, and what good will legally adopting you do?

Eugene – I haven't seen him in I think five years now. I don't think he's left the house since I was ten. All the better if he never does. All the better if that house burns down while he's still inside in some sort of drunken stupor. It would solve a lot of problems, but then I couldn't dance on his grave. I want you guys to legally adopt me as a symbol. That's all it could ever be. You've pretty much been my family since mom left. It would...I dunno, it would let me move on, help me to move on I guess. Please.

Art – We'll see what we can do, guess we should let the rest of the family know, I wish I knew how John was going to take it, probably not well.

Eugene – ( _Hugs art_ )Thank-you Art.

Art – No problem Gene. Just a couple things I would like you to do though.

Eugene – What do you need? I'll do what I can. As long as I don't have to deal with Jerry.

Art – Nothing of the sort, these are pretty simple. First, I want you to stay out of trouble. No evil schemes or taking over the world and so forth, either go back to school or come work for me, which ever works best for you, just keep your nose clean. Can you do that?

Eugene – I can try, but what if there...

Art – No, just behave yourself, I know you know how. Do we have a deal?

Eugene – I'll do my best. Old habits die hard, but I'll be good. What was the other thing you wanted?

Art – Good, the second thing was just some information.

Eugene – What sort of information?

Art – Jim was telling me about your stint with Christianity...

Eugene – Oh damn.

Art \- ...But he never got to finish the story. Would you fill me in on what happened during your 'baptism'? I know you gave a speech, but Jim never got into that.

Eugene – All I said is what I felt, that God doesn't exist. And then I called them all suckers.

Art – Jim did say they almost lynched you. I can see why.

Eugene – Well that just stunned them. The mob didn't form until after I dropped my pants and mooned them.

Art – I understand their annoyance, boy sometimes you don't have much sense. You're going to have to learn to control those impulses of yours. How did you escape?

Eugene – That's a longer story than the other one. The short of it, is that I ran until I passed out in somebody's back yard. And they didn't catch me. I ended up not going anywhere for a couple weeks until I could grow a beard and dye my hair. I think that they're still looking for me.

Art – A lot of your stories seem to end like that.

Eugene – Yeah they do, but I feel that running till I pass out and then hiding in a basement for a month, is a better way to end a story than 'they tore my arm off and beat me with it'. Less pain, and the running is how I manage keep slim.

Art – I've seen you eat two entire large pizzas, and then sit down on the couch and watch television until you fall asleep and not gain a pound, exercising can't be much of a consideration for you.

Eugene – Where did you think I burned off all those pizza calories? The Gym? Ha! I run, a lot, it's kept me out of trouble on more times than I can count.

Art – Well considering you can only count to ten that fact doesn't impress me all that much.

Eugene – Funny.

Art – Yes it was. Well, it was an interesting story. Don't do it again or ill hand you over to your intended victims.

Eugene – I said that I'd behave myself Art.

Art – Good, I just want to make sure you remember that you said so. Well I have to go find Jim again and finish my conversation with him. I'll see you later Gene.

Eugene – Bye art, and thanks again.

( _Eugene and Art separate, Eugene walks off stage, Art starts looking for Jim and looking at the show, he keeps walking an looking around until Karen asks him a question_ )

Karen – Excuse me sir, but is this the Lady Elizabeth Exhibit?

Art – Is that what they called it?

Karen – What do you mean?

Art – Last I had heard they hadn't decided on a name. Yes this is Elizabeth Struan's show, assuming that is what you're looking for.

Karen – Yes, that's the one.

Art – Well you've found it, feel free to fill out the critique form when you're done, she enjoys hearing what others think of her work.

Karen – Where are they at?

Art – Over there by the exit, pens and all. The pens are free supplied by the gallery, so make sure you snag one as a souvenir.

Karen –I might do that. Thank you.

Art – ( _turns to leave and search for Jim_ ) Any time for a pretty young woman.

Karen – Do you work for Elizabeth Struan?

Art – No, I don't even work at this gallery. I repair electrical appliances and the like. A simple television repairman am I.

Karen – Are you one of her fan's then?

Art – I never really thought about that. I enjoy most of her work when I see it, but I'm not really interested in art or artists. I guess I'm one of her fans though.

Karen – Are you some sort of dirty old man?

Art – Well you know I usually don't try to be. Why do you ask? Have I come across as one?

Karen – You claim that you're not an art fan. You don't work for Miss Struan, and you're not a family member. Yet you're here. And you seem to know a lot about Elizabeth and her artwork. It gives me the distinct impression that you are an obsessed fan.

Art – I never thought of it like that. I don't really feel that comfortable with the title of 'obsessive dirty old pervert.' It makes me feel as if I'm getting on in years.

Karen – How about we just shorten it to pervert?

Art – Noooo, that doesn't feel right to me either.

Karen – Then what would you prefer Mister?

Art – Well, it's a bit of a mouthful, but a bit more accurate than 'dirty old perverted man' or whatever. I mean 'dirty old pervert man' sounds a lot like a super villian's name or something, and I don't really think that I could be considered a super villain by any stretch of the concept. On top of that there is the 'old' part, I'm not really that old, I'm only forty-two years old, which may seem ancient beyond belief to a beautiful young woman such as yourself, but when you get to my level, well, it just kind of is how old you are. It doesn't feel much different than when I was in my twenties or thirties, well I'm in better shape now, which isn't saying much, I was kind of a nerd back then and didn't do much exercising...

Karen – Get on with it.

Art – Ah yes, where was I?

Karen – You were eventually going to inform me what you feel I should call you.

Art – I prefer Art. It's my name. Well short for Arthur.

Karen – I mean your replacement for 'pervert'. Something to explain why you, a man self-professed to not being interested in art, is so knowledgeable about Miss Struan.

Art – Ah yes, well how about 'Father of Elizabeth's best friend'? It doesn't really roll off the tongue like 'Art' does, on the other hand Art is rather harsh itself. Art. Art. My God, my name sounds like a sound that a dog makes. Wonder why I've never noticed before.

Karen – Do you always behave in such a bizarre manner?

Art – Only on even days, on odd days I'm rather mundane and dull.

Karen – I take it that today is an even day then.

Art – It seems to be, let me double check. Monday, Wednesday, Friday. Today is Saturday correct?

Karen –Um I think so. Yes it is.

Art – Well damnation, I seem to be off my schedule. I wonder how I did that. Well, guess I'll just have to put off being bizarre until later. I hope you don't mind too much.

Karen – I don't mind at all. Actually since you know Elizabeth, do you think you can give me a tour of the show?

Art – I suppose I can, but be warned, I'm not exactly the most ideal person to give you this tour. By the way, what is your name?

Karen – Oh I'm sorry, I'm Karen Smith, I'm a law student in a small school downstate.

Art – Oh, a lawyer to be. Both smart and pretty. My name is Art by the way, Arthur Trelain.

Karen – Pleased to meet you Arthur. If you don't mind, why do you feel that you won't be a good tour guide?

Art – Well aside from the most important fact that I know next to nothing about art, I also tend to ramble on in strange directions when I make speeches. And unless you want to here me go off about how the tiles on the floor clash with the paintings, well you may just wish for better company.

Karen – I don't mind the rambling, at least if you let me get a word in edgewise to stop you.

Art – Well, I'll try. Where shall we start?

Karen – Why don't we start with your favorite piece of Elizabeth's?

Art – That would be difficult, since that particular honor is taken by her rendition of Dog's Playing Poker.

Karen – She did a version of Dogs Playing Poker?

Art – She did indeed, put her own little spin on it.

Karen – Where is it? We should start there.

Art – That's the problem, it's handing from the wall in my living room. She gave it to me as a birthday present a couple years ago. It was all done in spray paints. It looks fantastic, in my opinion. Tell you what, why don't we just start here, with this painting.

Karen – It's breathtaking. What's it of?

Art – I don't know, I never got a chance to ask her about it. If I had to guess, I'd say it was a landscape of the planet Mars at sunrise.

Karen – Oh, here's the explanation. It's called 'A Weekend in Nirvana' and is the artist's idea of what Heaven might feel like. How odd.

Art – No, this is normal.

Karen \- How is it normal?

Art – Oh, you were referring to the painting. Sorry, I thought you were talking about me again. What is odd about that painting?

Karen – Well, it seems like most people would paint what they think Heaven would look like, clouds and angels and harps and buildings that look like Greek Temples. People don't usually touch on what it might feel like. That painting looks bright and warm, I like it. It also looks soft, it doesn't hurt the eyes, not like that one over there.

Art – That one does look violent, like a natural disaster, a volcano or something. Both beautiful and deadly. It's really bright and painful with all those oranges and reds. And the swirls, it's like chaos. I tend to get the feeling that this is Liz's version of the big bang.

Karen – I could see that. What about this box here? It looks like it's just a bunch of broken pottery.

Art – That I have not a clue. Is there a marker on it somewhere?

Karen – Yes, there is.

Art – What does it say?

Karen – It's called The Importance of Bubble Wrap. The explanation explains that it is the artist's trip of self discovery with other mediums, including the written word. Really makes you think doesn't it, she must be a genius, to go and do something like that. To take the mundane and make it art.

Art –She just dropped some pottery down the basement stairs when she was trying to put it into storage. She just salvaged that mistake as best she could.

Karen – You sure did take the magic out of that fantasy.

Art – I had to hear about it for weeks after it happened. Some of the words she used weren't very magical, at best they could have been described as explicit. I wasn't even aware that she new some of those words. I must say some of the combinations she used were quite imaginative.

Karen – Were they? I think I'd like to hear them then, too bad you can't get away with calling that art.

Art – Why couldn't you?

Karen – The censors would have a conniption. Then all to them all the parental groups tearing their hair out and protesting. It would be pure chaos.

Art \- Some people say that there isn't any such thing as bad publicity. Besides, she could just call it a performance piece, as someone who has seen the show already, that girl performs when she curses. It's a sight to see, I just can't tell whether it's a natural wonder or a natural disaster. One thing is for certain, someone will have to put a rating for the content on the posters and ads. I'm thinking that nobody 17 and under should be allowed within a mile of the show.

Karen – Content rating, it's just a form of censorship.

Art – I disagree, as a parent I find that it is a valuable tool to keep me informed of what will be in the shows and movies my kids watch.

Karen – How strict are you with what they watch?

Art – Not at all, they can watch what-ever they want to.

Karen \- Then what good do the ratings do you then?

Art – They give me the heads up so I know what I don't want to watch. Sometimes the boys invite me to go see movies, and I want to know what I'm getting into before I agree. I mean, sometimes the names lie, but if you ever see version of Hamlet rated Adults Only, well then you know that they went off the beaten path a bit with their interpretation.

Karen – An adult rated version of Hamlet, I wonder if that has been done yet.

Art – My wife took me to see one when we were dating. I think it scarred me for life.

Karen – Your wife took you to that? She must be adventurous. Is she here? I'd like to meet a woman like that, she must be very interesting.

Art – Sorry, she isn't here. Last I heard, she was on her way to a convent in Switzerland. At least that is what she said in the letter.

Karen – Oh my god...

Art – That was right after she told myself and our two sons that we were evil sinners and that we were going to hell. That and she hated us for tainting her so.

Karen – I'm sorry, I didn't mean to...

Art – What for? It happened several years ago.

Karen –I didn't mean to drudge up old pain.

Art \- Ah, it still does hurt a little. It's not often that your wife of fifteen years tells you that she hates you and you're going to hell, and the on top of that goes to become a Nun.

Karen – I shouldn't have been so nosey.

Art – Bah, it's ok, I enjoy talking to you, besides it could have been worse.

Karen – How could have it gotten worse than that?

Art – She could have told me that I was evil incarnate and that I turned her into a lesbian. I don't know how long it would have taken to have gotten over that. If ever.

Karen – ( _laughing_ ) That is almost the exact same thing happened to my cousin. Well, she didn't tell him that he was evil, just inadequate. And that after living with him, she decided that men weren't for her. He never lived it down. Nobody in the family would let him live it down. We teased him all the time about it.

Art – Has he shot himself yet? Or someone else?

Karen – Not yet. Actually last I heard he was married again and they have two kids.

Art – Well he seems to have bounced back from all the pain and humiliation, he must be a resilient young man.

Karen – Well, he did leave the home first. He had to get away from not only the family, but the community. He comes from a small town, and everyone knew what happened. I think he married a girl from Russia, one of those mail-order brides. I think that she was desperate to get out of Russia. The terrible poverty and such just made her desperate to get out of the country.

Art – Well as long as she's pretty. Other wise, well I can't imagine that he has much self-confidence left.

Karen – I've seen a couple of pictures, she isn't.

Art – Stay in Russia and have no foreseeable future, or come to the United States and marry a stranger who just happens to turn out to be a contributor to the growth of the lesbian community. I wonder what would happen to the poor man if she decided to go back to Russia as a lesbian.

Karen – I don't know, I hope it never happens to him, my family would make his life hell if they ever found out.

Art – A good reason to stay away from them. I haven't seen much of my family in years, those people are nuts. They're bizarre on the odd days as well as the even. That and a rift opened between us about my wife. I found that I preferred her company over that of my family.

Karen – And then she left you.

Art – Yep, and she called evil-incarnate. Ignoring my family was one of the reasons she sited. If it hadn't of happened to me, then the irony would have had me rolling on the floor laughing my ass off.

Karen – Embarrassing things are so much funnier when they happen to strangers. It always hurts when they happen to you, and some other jerk finds it funny.

Art – Isn't life grand. I'm feeling a might thirsty, would you care to join me over some coffee?

Karen – That is cliché.

Art – Give me some time, it's been a while since I asked a girl out. I've forgotten a lot of my old lines, besides I don't really need to break the ice, we've been talking for a while now.

Karen – You're not going to try to steal my soul or something are you?

Art – Only if you ask nicely, but I think it will have to wait until after the coffee. ( _both head off stage_ _together_ )

Scene 3

Later in the evening at Liz's art show, but all the people are gone now, and most of the extra exhibit lights have been turned off. Jim is sitting on the floor still reading his comic book and a paper sack, waiting.

Art – ( _Enters_ ) Ah there you are by boy, I've been looking for you for hours now.

Jim – I've been sitting right here the whole time waiting for you. Do you need thicker glasses?

Art – Have you been. Odd, I didn't see you. Though I did get side-tracked a little bit.

Jim – Side-tracked by what?

Art – I'm in love.

Jim – ( _Stares at Art_ )

Art – Pretty cool huh?

Jim – You're in love?

Art – Yep.

Jim – When did that happen?

Art – Oh about four hours ago I think. Hard to tell for sure, the time sure did fly past. I mean, wow, I haven't felt anything like this in years. I don't think I've felt this young ever. Wow.

Jim – This is all rather sudden isn't it?

Art – Well, yeah I guess. But who cares, I'm in love Jim.

Jim – How do you know? I mean this is rather sudden, how do you know that you're in love?

Art – How? I dunno, It's just a feeling, I remember what it feels like from when I fell in love with your mother. Took me a while to recognize it the first time, but now that I know how it feels, well there's no mistaking. This is great. You outta try it sometime Jim, it's great.

Jim – You know you sound like an older kid trying to get a younger one to try some new drug.

Art – Do I really?

Jim – Yep

Art – Well...Don't do drugs. But try being in love anyhow, it's just great. It's even better than playing video games.

Jim\- Better than video games? That's a tough call I think.

Art – I've been and love, and played a lot of video games. I'd give up video games before I gave up being in love. It's a great feeling.

Jim –Wonder if I'll ever recognize love.

Art – Well boy, I'll describe it to you. It feels like, well, hmmmm. Well it just feels good, that's all. It feels good.

Jim – Gee, that's helpful. I think you're making this up as you go along. Next you're going to sprout sayings along the lines of 'Love is like an onion, there are many layers, and if you look too close it'll make you cry'.

Art – Bah alright, so I lack the words and you lack the experience. I'm telling you that I'm in love, and that's a good thing.

Jim – How did it happen? I mean, this afternoon you weren't in love and now you are. Is it anyone I know?

Art – Well, I met a pretty girl, we talked, and she didn't run off screaming into the night. I found myself attracted to her, and enjoyed her company from the beginning. And since she didn't run off screaming, and she did accept my invitation out for coffee, I got to know her better. I wonder if she'll marry me.

Jim – Damn. We'll find out after you see how she reacts to you telling her about mom.

Art – Actually she already knows about most of it.

Jim – She does?

Art – Yep.

Jim – Even the evil incarnate bit?

Art – Yep.

Jim – And she stuck around?

Art – Yep.

Jim – You weren't pretending to be the billionaire dictator of a major software firm were you? I mean you have that look about you.

Art – I told her that I was an electronics repair-man, that I fixed gizmos and so forth.

Jim – And she still stuck around?

Art – She even decided to spend more time with me. We went out for coffee and talked for hours. I'm seeing her again tomorrow night on a real date.

Jim – Are you're sure you're ready for that?

Art – Of course I'm sure. Do I have to be sure? What will I wear?

Jim – It usually helps to know for certain what you want. At least that's the advice that you've given to me for the last ten years.

Art – I mean I haven't been on a date in over twenty years. I don't have a clue what I should wear on a first date.

Jim – Why don't you just go in the same kind of thing you're wearing now?

Art – Won't she think that I'm a slob?

Jim – Why are you asking me that? I don't know her, and to be honest women confuse the hell out of me. All I know is that the only way to appease them is to offer sacrifices of flowers.

Art – The flower trick is important, but it doesn't always work. You need to remember to compose poems to their great beauty. That usually helps at least as much as flowers.

Jim – What if she isn't beautiful enough to deserve a poem.

Art – Write a haiku then. Or a limerick, just make sure it isn't dirty. It doesn't matter, as long as you take time to make it sound good.

Jim – But what if she isn't pretty. What if the angry woman in question has a face like a horse?

Art – Then write a fiction novel about her great beauty. The entire purpose of the whole deed isn't accuracy, but flattery to keep you out of the dog house. It won't hurt her, and you'll hopefully escape with your skin intact.

Jim – That leaves a lot to look forward to.

Art – It isn't that bad, except for the constant being on guard so that you don't say the wrong thing, but that soon becomes second nature.

Jim – What happens if it doesn't?

Art – Like with most of the natural world, men who don't adapt to changes don't live for very much longer.

Jim – How do you always do that?

Art – Do what?

Jim – Put the worse possible face on things, all while managing to scare me to the point that I fear for my life.

Art\- I don't always do it. Only when it would be really funny.

Jim – How does now make it really funny?

Art – It's about time I passed on my extensive knowledge about women.

Jim – ( _nearly dies laughing_ ) Right.

Art – I was speaking in relative terms.

Jim – Relative to what?

Art – Relative to your understanding of women.

Jim – But I don't understand them what-so-ever.

Art – Exactly, which in comparison makes my meager gleanings of knowledge about women in general seem to be the definitive source of information.

Jim – I'm thinking that two nothings is nothing.

Art – Sit back and listen to your old man, you'll learn something, hopefully.

Jim – What if I don't end up learning anything?

Art – Then I'll finally have proof that you were dropped on your head as a baby.

Jim – You mean you need more proof than my miss-shapen head?

Art – That would most likely be genetic. Both your mother and I are reasonably smart individuals, as were our parents. If you're dumb, well then your head must have been tampered with after you were removed from the packaging.

Jim – Always possible, though I think if anything is wrong it's because of designer flaws. Well, shall we get going 'O' he who understands women?

Art – Listen and learn. First of all, I don't understand women, nobody does, some of the time I feel that they don't even understand themselves.

Jim – If you don't understand them, what makes you an expert?

Art – Do you think all TV weathermen understand how weather is actually formed?

Jim – Considering that ditzy blonde girl who does the weather for channel five, no I don't think they understand the weather what-so-ever. If she's a good sample of that profession, I would be surprised if most of them could even read.

Art – They probably don't understand everything that goes on in the atmosphere, and why it all happens, but they do have the years upon years of observation down so they can predict what might happen. That's what I do. Don't know how they work, but I am familiar with some of the more important signals women give off. And what happens after those signals appear.

Jim – You're going to try to teach me to be a ditzy weather girl. Now who was dropped on his head as a child?

Art – I'm going to pass onto you our family secrets for survival.

Jim – You mean like 'Don't pee on an electric fence'?

Art – Exactly, your uncle had to learn that one the hard way. But mostly the ones involving love and women and so forth.

Jim – I always wondered about him...

Art – Back to women. I think you're finally ready to hear about them.

Jim – You're not going to go on about the birds and the bees are you?

Art – I wasn't planning on it.

Jim – Good, cause you gave me that speech when I was nine.

Art – I was planning on hitting the finer points of the fairer sex. I've figured that you already know what breasts look like. Well on to more important things. Can you tell when a girl is interested in you?

Jim – Nope. Wouldn't she just say something if she was?

Art – I've never had it happen to me, most of them seem to want to be chased, but for the most part our culture has taboos against women chasing men. Though they tend to hint at it when they're interested.

Jim – Hint? What sort of hints?

Art – It varies. A lot of smiling usually, for a while at least, but only until they get annoyed that we're too dumb to read their minds.

Jim – Damn our infernal lack of psychic powers!

Art – Indeed. The most important thing you can learn is how to play dumb. And you already excel at that.

Jim – I learned from a master. What more can you tell me about that whole predicting thing you were going on about?

Art – I can't really tell you the tricks, just keep your eyes open and remember what goes on around you. After a while you'll be able to at least recognize some of their quirks.

Jim – Can you give any examples of what you're talking about?

Art – Sure. Take Elizabeth for example.

Jim – What about her?

Art – She's in love.

Jim – Wonder who the lucky guy is.

Art – All the signs point to the lucky guy being you.

Jim – Me? Your signs point to me? I think your expert knowledge and skills have failed you dear father.

Art – No, they serve me quite well. Liz loves you, has for years.

Jim – Right. Of course she has. What sort of magic pixie dust have you gotten into?

Art – I'm completely sober Jim.

Jim – You just told me that my best friend of many years is in love with me, and I didn't even know it.

Art – That sums it up fairly well.

Jim – You have an odd sense of humor.

Art – Yes I do have a quirky sense of humor. On this I'm quite serious my boy, I've seen the way she looks at you.

Jim – And where did you gain the experience to gauge a woman's affections from a look?

Art – Your mother used to look at me the same way.

Jim – Oh wonderful, mother looked at you the same way. Was that before or after she informed you that you ruined her life and were damned to spending an eternity in hell? If Liz is looking at me like that...Why am I still even alive? Maybe she's coming up with some terrible forms of torture for me.

Art – It was when we first met, before she changed. That happened well before you were born smart-ass. Your mother was a loving gentle woman. And she looked at me in a special way.

Jim – And how did you recognize 'the look'? Did your abilities just decide to manifest themselves at that instant?

Art – Your grandfather let me know. He recognized how she was looking at me. Well you see where this story is going. He taught me everything I knew about women, as much good as it's done me.

Jim – Makes me wonder why I didn't end this discussion when it first started.

Art – The first ten years that we were married were wonderful. They were good times. It all changed after...

Jim – After John was born, I know, I remember.

Art – It was a hard birth. Three days in labor, and then a C-Section. Your mother was a religious woman, not too much so, but still more than I have ever been. She was also suppositious to a point. On top of all of that, her parents hated me from the time that she decided that I was going to be her husband. I think that Johnny's birth just made something inside her snap.

Jim – She decided? Did she ask you to marry her?

Art – No, but she dropped hints, and that woman was persistent. I had no clue what was going on.

Jim – Until grandpa filled you in.

Art – What a family tradition he started.

Jim – Did grandma go insane too?

Art – I don't think so, but she died when I was six.

Jim – Not a good way to start a tradition.

Art – Nope, it could be worse though.

Jim – Yes it could, it could have karaoke as an integral part of the ceremony.

Art – Dad has more taste then that, not by much, but enough. What do you plan to do about Liz?

Jim – I don't know. I mean, she's my best friend, and she's in love with me.

Art – We've covered that.

Jim – Did your dad ever cover what to do in such a situation?

Art – No he didn't, most of his advice so far has been geared to identifying women who might give you a chance.

Jim – No tips on what to do when you have her?

Art – Nope. Dad only ever dated one girl, and he ended up marrying her.

Jim – What the hell kind of expert on women does that make him then?

Art – One with a narrow range of study, limited to one subject. But it's better than what you have. What do you think you'll do about Liz.

Jim – I don't know, it's all a shock. My best friend is in love with me.

Art – Decided what to do yet?

Jim – Nope. I'm getting more confused by the minute.

Art – Well, seems that my work here is done then.

Jim – Off to save the world now? Or just have dinner with your new love interest?

Art – Neither, I'm going to take a nap, the world isn't worthy of a benefactor of my sort, and I have a date with Karen tomorrow night. That sounds good. Oh yes before I go, remember what I asked you about helping me with Johnny...

Jim – I've been thinking about what I'm going to try to do.

Art – That's good, but I have a new hurdle to throw in.

Jim – What now?

Art – We're adopting Eugene. He asked me to do it, I think that's the reason he wanted to talk to me so badly. It needs to be done.

Jim – DAMN IT. I mean... Damn it.

Art – You don't think that's a good idea?

Jim – Yes and no.

Art – How so?

Jim – Well, it's great that we're going to get him away from his father for good. Even though he is almost old enough to leave home on his own. Gene Is like a brother, I'll be glad to have him, but that might cause serious problems.

Art – Such as?

Jim – Being his legal guardian won't be fun when he does something else really stupid, like the time that he...

Art – I already told him, as a condition of our adopting him that that sort of thing would end, or the deal was off.

Jim – Good, the other thing is Johnny himself. You know how Johnny is angry at the universe? Well Johnny doesn't like Eugene. Actually Johnny seems to hate Eugene more than the rest of humanity on the whole.

Art – That bad huh?

Jim – Indeed it is. Indeed it is. Which is odd since Eugene seems to love Johnny like he was his own little brother.

Art – What irony, if I wasn't hip-deep in it, maybe it wouldn't make me want to cry.

Jim – Maybe we'll get lucky.

Art – How so?

Jim – Maybe on the way home today we'll get into a terrible flaming car wreck and get ourselves rather dead.

Art – How is that lucky?

Jim – It's not, but it defiantly beats going home and telling Johnny that Gene is soon to be a member of the family. And then spending the rest of whenever with Johnny...

Art – I vote car accident, but we need something that wouldn't hurt anyone else. Are there any cliffs between here and home? Preferably one with several hundred feet between it and the ground beneath. Jagged rocks would be good as well. Make it a quick painless death.

Jim – Well, there's Dead Man's Curve, and the Cliffs of Insanity. I think those would be our best bet.

Art – Dead Man's Curve has been way over done. And the Cliffs of Insanity, well, no.

Jim \- What happens to be wrong with the Cliffs of Insanity?

Art – Nothing, they're just not really all that deadly. I mean what a misnomer, they're only five feet high at their tallest, and for the most part they only stand two or three feet in height. And then they don't exactly qualify as cliffs with their gentle incline and all. I wonder what idiot was allowed to name them cliffs in the first place, Don Quixote?

Jim – They're the best we have.

Art – Well they're not good enough for our purpose, so we might as well not even bother with that option.

Jim – Good thing school is starting again soon.

Art – That's all fine and good for you, you get to leave town, but I have to stay with the boy.

Jim – Eugene will be going back to school too, so hopefully Johnny will be easier to live with.

Art – Maybe he will, and maybe the sun will fall from the sky and strike me dead.

Jim – You can always hope.

Art – I'm not that gullible.

Jim – You play the lottery still don't you? You've more chance of both having the sun fall on you, and Johnny becoming the ideal prodigy child than you have of winning the lottery.

Art – Yes, but playing the lottery is my choice, I may not have a snow-ball's chance in hell of winning, but I don't have to play either. Now I don't have very little control over Johnny, I wish I did, but I don't. The only thing Johnny's shaping up holds in common with winning the lottery is that the chances are slim and all I'll ever be able to do is fantasize about it.

Jim – If only you did win the lotto, then you could buy a nice tropical island somewhere and send Johnny to it.

Art – If I had my own tropical paradise, you can bet that Johnny wouldn't be the one inhabiting it. Karen maybe, but not Johnny. Being alone on an island with a beautiful woman is far more enjoyable than being there with an angry teenage son. The two don't compare. Only a sick man would choose the other way around.

Jim – Either way if you sold the movie rights they could make you quite wealthy.

Art – Well, as we've already realized, I'm not going to win the lottery so it doesn't much matter. Anyhow there is sleeping to be done, so I'm off to do it. I'll see you later Jim. ( _Heads off Stage – Runs into Liz who is coming onstage. Liz is carrying a rolled up poster._ ) Hi ya Lizzy, looking for Jim?

Liz – Yep, seen him?

Art – He's over there.

Liz – Where are you going?

Art – I'm headed home, I need a nap. It's been an eventful day.

Liz – But you didn't finish giving me a critique.

Art – It'll have to wait. I need rest. Talk to you later.

Liz – Bye Art. Hi Jim.

Jim – Hey Liz.

Liz – I brought this for you.

Jim – Sweet my poster. This is going where the old Legend of Zelda poster used to be in my room. I think I'll frame it.

Liz – What an honor.

Jim – This painting deserves such an honor. You even got the Elvis' hair perfect. Thanks.

Liz – You're quite welcome. I signed it too. What's with your dad? He looks distracted.

Jim – He's in love.

Liz – What?

Jim – Art is in love.

Liz – Are you sure? Maybe he's just tired.

Jim – He says he knows the difference. We discussed it and I'm going to believe that he does.

Liz – When did it happen?

Jim – I think today after Gene talked to him. I guess he met her here, and then they went out on a date.

Liz – But that was only a few hours ago.

Jim – I know. But he's sure about it.

Liz – Wow.

Jim – That's what I said.

Liz\- You're taking it awfully well.

Jim – Why shouldn't I?

Liz – I don't know, it just seems that in movies, when a character's parent meets another person or gets married the character is always against it. And then they usually seem to come up with a scheme to get their parents back together.

Jim – A scheme to get mom and dad back together, I never thought of that...hmmm, that actually wouldn't be a bad idea.

Liz – Are you serious?

Jim – Hell no I'm not serious. Mom's leaving was the best thing that could have ever happened to our family, I'm glad to be rid of her.

Liz – Will Johnny feel the same way?

Jim – Johnny hates mom. I don't know how he'll take dad's new love interest. Oh damn, I still have to tell him about Gene.

Liz – What about Gene?

Jim – Hmmmm? Oh yeah. This morning Gene told me he had to speak with Dad.

Liz – What about?

Jim – Well it turns out that Gene wants to be adopted into our family.

Liz – Are you serious?

Jim – Sadly yes.

Liz – What do you mean 'sadly yes'?

Jim – I mean I would have to live under the same roof as Gene and Johnny. Do you know what kind of hell that will be? I thought living with mom was bad.

Liz – Well you can always come...

( _Eugene comes on stage_ )

Eugene – I've been looking all over for you guys.

Jim – Well I've been right here for the last several hours.

Liz – I was mingling with my guests, and then I had to go and talk with mother about the show.

Eugene – Well since I found you, I got some great news.  
Jim – The Canadian advance has been halted?

Liz – ( _laughs_ )

Eugene – What the hell are you talking about?

Jim – Nothing.

Liz – It was an inside joke. You missed out on it earlier. Maybe I'll explain later.

Eugene – It's like you two are married or something. Anyway, I have good news.

Jim – I know, Art agreed to adopt you.

Eugene – He told you already?

Liz – Wait a minute, does that make the two of you brothers now?

Jim – I guess.

Eugene – What do you mean you guess? Either he told you or he didn't.

Jim – I mean I guess we're brothers, Art did tell me.

Eugene – Wow, brothers. I've never had a brother.

Liz – Neither have I, Jim, do you think Art will adopt me too? I'd like to have a brother.

Jim – Johnny.

Liz – Scratch that idea.

Eugene – Johnny, that means I have two brothers now.

Jim – I thought your math was better than that Gene.

Liz – Really Gene, someone who is capable of at least high-school algebra should have caught onto that right away.

Eugene – I forgot about Johnny, with all the excitement of the day.

Liz – I wonder how much this is all going to cost.

Eugene – Do you think it will be expensive?

Liz – Court fees usually are. Maybe this won't take too much, unless your dad doesn't let go.

Eugene – He will. Why shouldn't he.

Liz – It was just a thought.

Eugene – I don't see why he would hold me back, it's not as if...

Jim – Gene, did you ever find those Japanese tourists?

Eugene – What Japanese tourists?

Liz – The ones you went out looking for this morning.

Jim – The ones that you were going to test your new fear-inspiring name upon.

Eugene – Yeah, I guess I did.

Jim – What happened?

Eugene – I don't want to talk about it.

Liz – Why not?

Jim – This'll be good. Didn't it go as well as you thought it would?

Eugene – No.

Liz – What happened? You didn't find any tourists did you.

Eugene – I found them, a whole bus full of them.

Jim – What'd ya do when you found them?

Eugene – I don't want to talk about it.

Liz – Did they beat you up?

Jim – I have a picture in my mind of a little Japanese girl kicking you in the shins. How accurate is it?

Eugene – They didn't beat me up.

Liz – Well what happened then?

Eugene – You're never going to let me live this down.

Jim – Probably not. Specially not if you got beaten up by a bus-load of Japanese school girls.

Eugene – I didn't get beaten up.

Liz – Did they chase you off then?

Eugene – They didn't chase me off either.

Jim – They didn't beat you up, or chase you off. I'm confused, it's usually either one or the other.

Eugene – They laughed.

Liz – What did you do that was so funny?

Eugene – I just walked onto the bus and said 'Boku no namae wa Godzilla desu', 'My name is Godzilla'.

Jim – That doesn't seem all that funny to me. Stupid yes, but not funny.

Liz – Did you trip and fall or something? Or accidentally say something like 'I like to dance with Godzilla'?

Eugene – I only said 'My name is Godzilla'.

Liz – And they laughed?

Eugene – They laughed.

Jim – Did you use a funny voice? Like the one you made that time you caught yourself in your...

Eugene – I said it in a plain voice. And they laughed.

Liz – Oh, poor Gene.

Jim – At least they didn't chase you off the bus, or hurt you.

Eugene – I did manage to make some cash, so it's not a complete loss.

Jim – You didn't rob them did you? That'll cause one helluva international incident.

Eugene – No, I didn't steal anything.

Liz – Then how did you make some money?

Eugene – I posed for pictures.

Liz – That's it? They payed you to pose for pictures?

Jim – How often does one run into Godzilla while on vacation?

Liz – Look at it this way, you're going to give a bunch of Japanese tourists one hell of a story to tell their friends and family back at home.

Jim – You'll be famous all over Japan.

Eugene – As a laughing stock.

Liz – Better than having gotten beaten up again isn't it?

Eugene – Yeah, I guess.

Jim – Besides, Art said you had promised to give all that troublemaking up anyhow.

Eugene – I know.

Jim – You're not going to break your promise are you?

Eugene – No.

Liz – Then why so gloomy?

Eugene – For once I would have liked something to go my way. Then at least I wouldn't have gotten teased about it when I told you the story. I wanted to scare these people, and I failed. Once again I've returned as Eugene the failure.

Jim – We would have teased you anyway. That's what friends are for.

Liz – He's right, you would have been teased no matter, this way you at least showed some profit.

Eugene – The out-pouring of love is overwhelming.

Jim – I know I know, with friends like us, who needs mobs of angry prank victims.

Liz – Could be worse.

Eugene – Yes it could. And before you decide that it would be funny to make it so, I'm going home.

Jim – But Godzilla, we have so much to ask about.

Gene – Like what?

Jim – Will you take this stuff home with you? ( _gives Gene the paper bag_ )

Gene – Is that all?

Jim – Well, now that you mention it...No.

Gene – Here it comes, I couldn't have just taken the sack and gone.

Jim – Nope you couldn't, which could give us the valuable time we need to come up with other stupid questions.

Liz – Like where you picked up the Japanese?

Jim – And if the tourists paid in Dollars or Yen.

Eugene – I'll see you two later. ( _Exits stage_ )

Jim – After you declared yourself, did Gamura appear and challenge you to battle?

Liz – Good bye Gene.

Jim – That is going to provide for hours of fun.

Liz – I think his feelings where hurt.

Jim – Maybe. But I wouldn't worry about it, Gene bounces back fast. Besides, I think that being adopted into our family will outshine the entire Godzilla Incident.

Liz – I suppose. Jim?

Jim – Yeah? ( _Much_ _gazing is done, at one another as well as elsewhere_ ) Damn, I don't look forward to telling John that Gene is going to be family soon.

Liz – How do you plan to do it?

Jim – I don't know. All I know is that his reaction isn't going to be pleasant.

Liz – If you like I could help you with it.

Jim – Thanks for the offer, but there isn't any reason to endanger you as well.

Liz – The alternative is to go home and talk to mother, planning my future, she calls it. I think at the moment that I would rather have to tell Johnny that Gene is in fact his long lost brother and he's finally coming home.

Jim – That would be funny, if it wasn't so blatantly suicidal. I can almost see smoke coming out of Johnny's ears.

Liz – Do you think he would believe it?

Jim – Not for a second.

Liz – But you think he would still be angry?

Jim – Very.

Liz – Why?

Jim – There are just some jokes that aren't funny for certain people.

Liz – Are you sure you don't want help?

Jim – I think the fewer people around the better.

Liz – Ok. When are you going to break the news?

Jim – Later tonight I think, probably going to be me and dad doing it. I think I'll put it off as long as I can.

Liz – I think I would get it out of the way as quickly as possible.

Jim – On another day I might do that, but not today. I think I'll go and get something to eat first. Every condemned man should get a last meal before being executed.

Liz – That sounds like a good idea too.

Jim – I haven't eaten in hours.

Liz – Neither have I, not since before the show, too nervous. Where do you think you'll go?

Jim – That's a hard one, I think I'm in the mood for some Chinese food though.

Liz – That sounds great, the place on corner of 7th and Dune is really good.

Jim – I've heard that, I've just been too lazy to go and see for sure.

Liz – Try the donuts.

Jim – Are they really that good? You tell me that every time you go there.

Liz – They've got the best donuts anywhere.

Jim – A challenge that must be met. I shall eat a donut from this restaurant, and shall judge them.

Liz – You will eat many of their donuts, and you will go home stuffed. We need to stop, this is making me hungrier.

Jim – ( _as they head off stage_ ) Would you care to join me in the partaking of the last meal? We can feast upon donuts together.

Liz – ( _exits stage with Jim_ )

Scene 4

Hours later back in Jim's basement. Johnny and Jim are present.

Johnny – What's the so damn important secret you wanted to share?

Jim – It's not a secret.

Johnny – Then why did you want to meet in private?

Jim – We just need to have a talk.

Johnny – Right. About what?

Jim – Well, important things.

Johnny – I already know all about sex.

Jim – Alright...

Johnny – I probably get more action than you do.

Jim – Really? That's hard to believe.

Johnny – Sod off. I do.

Jim – Sheep don't count.

Johnny – Go to Hell!

Jim – Come on, that was funny.

Johnny – I didn't think so.

Jim – Where's your sense of humor? It ain't healthy not to laugh from time to time.

Johnny – Who says?

Jim – The ancient Mayans.

Johnny – The ancient Mayans say it's un-healthy to laugh?

Jim – Yeah, they did a lot of study on it.

Johnny – Why haven't I ever heard of that before?

Jim – Uh well, our scientists have finally started to decode their language.

Johnny – They've just decoded the Mayan language?

Jim – Yep.

Johnny – And the most exciting thing you have to say about their discovery is that the Mayans believed that not laughing is bad?

Jim – Well, not the most important thing, but it's the only one of their discoveries that has any relevance to this conversation.

Johnny – Where the hell do you find this crap?

Jim – Honestly?

Johnny – Yes honestly, unless it's just one of your big secrets.

Jim – Ok, I just make it all up as I go along.

Johnny – What the hell for?

Jim – Why not?

Johnny – Because it's pointless.

Jim – Maybe, but it's also a lot of fun.

Johnny – How? How is looking like an idiot in any way fun?

Jim – John, it's using your wits. Thinking on the run, improvising. It's a challenge. Some times you win, some times you get chased off by an angry mob wielding torches in the night.

Johnny – How is it fun?

Jim – Being chased by a torch wielding mob? Well it's a lot like hide and seak...

Johnny – No, the 'improvising' you claim you do. How is acting like a retarded lunatic in front of a crowd fun?

Jim – It's only fun if you do it well, and then because of the rush you get when you pull it off. Usually at the very least you get a laugh.

Johnny – I prefer that people laugh with me not at me.

Jim – There isn't much difference between the two, the only difference is how you handle it.

Johnny – Feels like a lot of difference to me.

Jim – You're thinking of what Eugene does. He's being an idiot for the sake of being an idiot. And making people feel stupid.

Johnny – Gene, the crown prince of retards. Why the hell don't we just adopt him? He's here all the time anyway.

Jim – Actually...

Johnny – What? You're kidding.

Jim – Nope.

Johnny – What the hell...Who came up with that stupid idea?

Jim – Gene did, he asked dad to do it today and dad agreed.

Johnny – Why? Why does dad agree to let him in the family? Did dad get too much sun while he was in Florida?

Jim – You'll have to talk with him about that.

Johnny – Is the entire world against me for some God damned reason? Am I that cursed?

Jim – You don't have it that bad.

Johnny – How would you know how bad life has been for me?

Jim – You mean besides the fact that I've lived in the same house and under the same circumstances for as long as you've been alive?

Johnny – Besides that.

Jim – Johnny, do you still have mom's letter?

Johnny – What the hell do you mean? What does that have to do with what we're talking about?

Jim – The letter she wrote when she left.

Johnny – Why are you asking me that?

Jim – I've heard you repeat it to yourself from time to time.

Johnny – Why are you spying on me?

Eugene – ( _Enters and stays at the edge of the stage, unseen by Jim and John_ )

Jim – What do you mean spying? You repeat it over and over while sitting and watching television in the living room.

Johnny – Why are you bothering, it's my business.

Jim – It's all of our business. Let it go. Let her go. Move on.

Johnny – Why should I? She made my life a miserable hell.

Jim – She was almost as bad for dad and me. We've let her go, you need to too. Otherwise she'll keep on making your life a life hell.

Johnny – She didn't do half of what she did to you as she did to me.

Jim – Even what she did to you doesn't compare to what happened to some people.

Johnny – You always say that, it could be worse, other people have had it worse.

Jim – It's quite true, mom treated us like shit, but it still could have bee a lot worse.

Johnny – Who do you know who had it worse than me? It's not like I'm complaining about nothing. The fucking bitch hated me, and she let me know every day of my life. What could be more god damn mother fucking awful than that? Huh?

Eugene – She could have beaten you as well.

Johnny – Really? You're one to talk, mom always treated you better than she treated me. What do you know about it you spaz? You haven't even lived with your family for years now.

Eugene – Fredric beat me. At first he just yelled at me, and beat mom. Then after mom disappeared he turned his full wrath to me. I think I was five at the time. It was like a week after she didn't come home, he blamed me for it, I don't remember much after the first few kicks. I think I passed out. When I woke up it was days later, I think, hard to be sure. He just left me to fend for myself, he didn't care enough to do anything to help, he just left me lying on the floor. I still have some of the scars, most have faded, except for some of the burns he gave me.

Jim – You ok Gene?

Eugene – I don't know. I hate that man. He's evil. But I guess that doesn't really matter right now. Your mom might not have been the greatest mother in the world, but she never hit you. She took me in, and treated me better than my father ever did. I don't know. I've been trying not to think about it too much if I can help it, it's just that all things considered I don't have much choice not to think about it do I?

Johnny – Why don't you do something about him if he's such an asshole?

Eugene – What do you want me to do about him?

Johnny – Why not report him to the police?

Eugene – I don't think that would solve anything.

Johnny – Why not?

Jim – Johnny remember the time when he called the police and told them that he was abducted by aliens? And that he wanted those aliens arrested and sent back to Mars because they were in the country illegally?

Johnny – Yeah, so?

Eugene – They have a picture of me posted in all of the local police stations. I've got a reputation. They wouldn't believe me if I went in and testified that the sky was blue.

Johnny – Who's damned fault is that?

Eugene – It's mine. For the most part it was worth it. Especially when the news story broke that officer Roberts spent an entire week diligently patrolling the area while keeping an eye out for Martians who are in the country illegally. But no matter, I won't be going to them anyway.

Johnny – Then what are you going to do?

Eugene – I'm going to move on with my life, hopefully. And keep the promise I made to Art.

Johnny – And what did you promise our father?

Eugene – That I would stay out of trouble.

Jim – This isn't going to end well.

Johnny – Five dollars says that he's arrested by the end of next week.

Jim – You're on. I've seen him avoid getting caught dozens of times over the years.

Eugene – Funny, very funny. The only problem with your reasoning is I won't be doing anything to bring the law down on me in the first place.

Johnny & Jim – Right.

Eugene – I will keep my promise. I owe that to your father.

Johnny – And how do you plan to resist making a nuisance of yourself for the rest of your life?

Jim – I would like to know that as well. How do you plan to keep to the strait and narrow?

Eugene – I'll find something else to concentrate on.

Jim – Like what?

Johnny – What could have such a draw to you to keep you out of trouble for more than fifteen minutes at a time?

Eugene – First off I'll actually pay attention to my school-work

Johnny – I don't think that will take enough of your time to keep you out of trouble, all those remedial courses you have can't be too much of a challenge.

Eugene \- Maybe I'll find a girlfriend or something, I heard that girlfriends take up a lot of time and energy.

Jim – Just keep in mind Gene, sheep don't count.

Johnny – I don't think he has a chance with any sheep, maybe a goat, but not any sheep.

Eugene – Funny. I'll find my perfect match. If a girl can fall in love with Jim, then I ought to be able to find a dozen women who want some hot Gene love, no problem.

Johnny – Who would ever fall in love with Jim?

Eugene – Elizabeth is in love with Jim, she has been for years.

Johnny – Elizabeth?

Jim – How did you find out about that?

Eugene – About Liz loving you?

Johnny – But Elizabeth?

Jim – Yeah. Did art tell you about that?

Eugene – No, I've known for years?

Jim – How did you know?

Eugene – It was obvious, why else would a beautiful, talented, wonderful, intelligent girl like Liz spend time with you?

Johnny – He has a point.

Jim – Touché

Eugene – Wait, you already knew that Elizabeth is in love on you?

Jim – Yeah.

Eugene – And you haven't done anything about it?

Johnny – What do you expect? Jim is a very special child.

Eugene – Even so, having a girl like Elizabeth Straun feeling that way about you, and not doing anything about it. You must have eaten lead paint as a child.

Jim – Don't you mean lead paint chips?

Eugene – No, I mean lead paint, out of the bucket, with a spoon.

Jim – Not that I'm aware of, but that doesn't mean anything, I don't recall much of anything from before about the age of three. So for all I know I could have eaten nothing but paint at that time,

Johnny – It would explain a lot if you had.

Jim – I just found out that Liz has feelings for me. And why the hell was I the last person on the planet to find out?

Johnny – I think it's because you ate lead paint as a child.

Eugene – I'd have to agree with Johnny, lead paint isn't good for you.

Jim – You knew that Elizabeth felt something for me, and you didn't say anything, what kind of friend are you?

Johnny – Maybe he's Elizabeth's friend more than he's your friend. If that's the case he might have wanted to spare her from a lifetime of living with you.

Jim – What do you know about it?

Johnny – I've lived with you for a lifetime. Nobody should have to go through that.

Eugene – And Elizabeth seems to want that kind of fate.

Johnny – I've said it before, and I'll say it again, Elizabeth is a strange person.

Jim – You've never said that.

Johnny – Ok so maybe I didn't actually say it, but I thought it really loud a bunch of times. Not my fault if you fools can't read my mind.

Jim – Maybe you should think louder. That's assuming that you have something there to read.

Johnny – Any ideas I have will no doubt be superior to the Canadian Change theory.

Eugene – Oh not that again. What caused the return that small piece of delusional fantasy? It was funny the first time, but it's lost some of its charm in each re-telling.

Jim – It's not fantasy damn it. The Canadians are coming.

Eugene – Sure they are.

Johnny – Right after the Martians.

Jim – I hope you like watching hockey, because in a few short years it's all that will be on television. Mark my words.

Eugene – Your words are marked. But what do we do when you're wrong?

Jim – I won't be wrong, eh.

Johnny – What was that?

Jim – Just practicing for when we have to live under the rule of Canada. Maybe it won't be so bad, I hear that the Canadians are a friendly nationality.

Johnny – You're weird.

Eugene – I agree, you are weird. What Elizabeth sees in you I can only ponder.

Jim – First of all those were perhaps the most ironic statements I've ever heard. It must be one of those instances of "takes one to know one." Secondly, I don't know. I'm as confused as anyone as to why I've attracted Liz's attention and kept it for all these years. But now that I know, I'm not going to complain. I'm just embarrassed that I never saw it before.

Johnny – Is that all you're embarrassed about?

Jim – What do you mean?

Johnny – Well you work as a Janitor, at least when you're at school. You have a job where you wear your name on your shirt.

Eugene – You don't do all that well when you're at school, and it's not like you're going to some high class college, you're at a low end public university.

Johnny – And when was the last time you had a date with a woman?

Eugene – I don't think it has been any time in recent years.

Johnny – It's been a long time.

Jim – You're questioning my love life? Johnny, you've never had a date in your life, and some times I doubt that you ever will. And Gene, well I don't know where to start with you, the last time you went out with someone was during that week that you thought you might be gay. Now I'm not an experienced judge of what makes another guy attractive, but I would have to say that your date was the single ugliest man I've ever seen in my life.

Eugene \- Frank was not ugly, well he was ugly, but he was a nice guy and a good friend.

Jim – And let me guess, a good kisser.

Eugene – We never actually got to the kissing point of the relationship.

Johnny – I didn't want to know that!

Jim – And that's why it's so damned funny. Besides, you'll need some knowledge about such things if you ever manage to talk some girl into spending time with you.

Johnny – Well, so what if I haven't been out with a woman yet...

Jim – You scare them Johnny. In fact you make most people uncomfortable. It's all the anger. If you keep going on the way that you have, you'll end up dieing alone.

Eugene – Just like my father. My grandmother told me that he was an angry kid.

Johnny – Yeah, but he managed to get married.

Eugene – I wish he hadn't.

Jim – If he hadn't then you would have never been born.

Eugene – I know, it's a paradox. Is it better to live, but to live through years of pain and misery? Or is it preferable never to have been born in the first place?

Jim – That's a hard one. I think I'll go with having been born though. For me life is good, even when it's a giant pain in the nether reigions. What do you think Johnny?

Johnny – I choose C.

Eugene – And what is C?

Johnny – If I'm going to be given that much control over my own destiny I'm going to do it right. To be born into a family that isn't crazy.

Eugene – I would settle for C.

Jim – Who wouldn't, but it's not one of the choices. Which side do you lean to then Gene? To be or not to be?

Johnny – What a stupid way to pose the question.

Eugene – Life. For myself, I prefer life. For others, I prefer choice.

Johnny – What does that mean?

Eugene – I choose to live, but I leave it to other people to make their own choices. I don't want to make their decisions for them.

Jim – What does that have to do with anything? We're talking about personal preference and you're trying to move it up into the realm of philosophy.

Eugene – I just thought it sounded good.

Jim – Right. Johnny?

Johnny – Life with mom, again... I can't decide.

Jim – If I were in your place I would have to agree whole-heartedly.

Johnny – Thirteen years of hell, or never to live at all.

Eugene – Which would you choose?

Jim – ( _to Eugene_ ) Which would you choose?

Eugene – I already chose life.

Jim – So you did.

Johnny – Had I the power, I think I would have chosen never to have been born.

Eugene – This is a stupid conversation.

Jim – Why is that?

Eugene – We're discussing whether or not we would have decided to have been conceived.

Johnny – So?

Jim – Since you don't get to make the choice, it doesn't matter much does it?

Eugene – No, the only choice you have is whether or not to keep going forward with life after you're born, and whether or not to have children, well assuming you can find someone to have kids with that is. It's not like we had any choice in the matter. We have as much choice in that as we have in who our parents would be. We might as well be discussing when and where we were born.

Johnny – Why are we talking about this?

Jim – Why not?

Johnny – Because it's depressing.

Eugene – Do you have something you'd rather talk about that isn't depressing?

Jim \- This ought to be good.

Johnny – I don't know, I guess I'd like to talk about breasts.

Eugene – What kind of breasts?

Johnny – You know.

Jim – I don't think he does know. Be specific for Gene.

Johnny – Ladies breasts.

Eugene – Ohhh, I get it now.

Johnny – Took long enough.

Jim – Well what do you want to talk about breasts for?

Johnny – I like them.

Jim – Is that all you have to say?

Johnny – No. Not really.

Jim – Well?

Johnny – Um.

Jim – You going to fill us in anytime soon?

Johnny – What do they feel like?

Jim – Why do you think we know? Look at us. I still read comic books for Gods sake, I'm a Grade A dork. Then there is Gene. Well Gene is Gene. That was like asking a blind man to describe the color blue. What made you ask us?

Johnny – You might have known. You've got all those years of experience. Hell, if Liz likes you enough to stick around all these years some other girl might have at least liked you enough to let you touch one of her boobs.

Jim – Well we've never touched any breasts.

Eugene – I did once.

Jim – When?

Eugene – Back a few years ago at the...

Jim – Oh yeah, the cheerleader at the soccer game against Leesville. I remember now, that was another one you barely survived, with the angry mob, and all that. Wow you must have been running for a long time.

Eugene – I just found a good hiding place, one that nobody would ever check.

Jim – Where did you hide for those three hours?

Eugene – Sorry, can't tell you, trade secret.

Johnny – So you did touch a breast!

Eugene – Yes I did Jim – Yes he did.

Eugene – Why?

Johnny – How was it? What'd you think? Is it everything I dreamed it would be?

Eugene – I enjoyed it. I think I would like to do it again sometime. In fact I wonder where that cheerleader is now.

Jim – Gene...

Eugene – What?

Jim – Remember that you promised Art that you would stay out of trouble.

Eugene – I would ask her first.

Jim – What if she said no, would you still try to touch her breast.

Eugene – Well yeah, I'm not about to do all that work to find her just to go home empty handed.

Johnny – ( _Yells_ )ARGGHHHH!

Eugene & Jim – What's wrong?

Johnny – That pun was awful.

Eugene – It wasn't that bad.

Johnny – It was terrible. People should beaten for puns like that.

Eugene –. How about you Jim, should I be beaten for that play on words.

Jim – I think I'll exercise my right to withhold my opinion until after the beating is issued.

Eugene – I thought it was funny. Well since you two don't appreciate my brand of humor I think I'm going to bed. Maybe I'll get lucky and dream about that cheerleader.

( _Eugene exits the stage_ )

Jim – I think he has a good idea, maybe the first he's had in a long time.

Johnny – Dreaming about boobies you mean?

Jim – Yep.

Johnny – Maybe I'll get lucky and dream about them too.

Jim – There's a trick to dreaming about what-ever you like when-ever you like.

Johnny – Yeah? What is it?

Jim – I don't know, I wish I did, I would like to dream about breasts more often. It beats than that stupid dream where I'm back at high-school. By the way, congratulations.

Johnny – What for?

Jim – For forgetting for a few minutes that you hate Eugene.

Johnny – Funny. Are you two serious? Is he really going to live here?

Jim – I talked to Art about it earlier. He's going to be family, officially. You going to be ok with that?

Johnny – I don't know. At first I thought it was one of his pranks. He's sneaky when it comes to practical jokes.

Jim – Don't I know it, I've heard him come up with some twisty and twisted schemes. All I can say is that I'm surprised that he's lived this long.

Johnny – So he's telling the truth?

Jim – Yep.

Johnny – Is the rest of it true?

Jim – About his father?

Johnny – Yeah, the beatings and stuff.

Jim – For the most part yeah.

Johnny – What do you mean for the most part?

Jim – I think he tones it down some. I think he's gone through worse than I can imagine.

Johnny – Why hasn't he told anyone?

Jim – He doesn't like to have people pitying him. At least that's how I think he works.

Johnny – What does that have to do with anything?

Jim – If everyone knew about him it would change how the acted towards him. They would treat him like he was special and give him more lee-way.

Johnny – So, where's the downside to that?

Jim – It's just not Gene's way. He likes to create a nuisance and a spectacle. He's better at the former than at the latter, but he does try. If people found out that his father beat him, well they would explain away his actions with some text-book psychology and do more to try and ignore him. That would really piss Gene off. I think that he just likes the attention that he receives.

Johnny – If it's true...

Jim – If what's true?

Johnny – The beatings. I mean. With all the crap that mom pulled, well, she never once hit me. She was never that bad. I hate her for what she did. But, compared to what Gene's dad did it isn't worth complaining about.

Jim – Yep.

Johnny – How long have you known?

Jim – About what?

Johnny – About Gene and his asshole father.

Jim – Almost as long as I've known Gene, it helped me deal with mom better. I could always say 'well at least I don't have his problems.'

Johnny – Who else knew?

Jim – Dad and mom both knew.

Johnny – Mom knew?

Jim – Yeah, I think that's why she was so much easier on him.

Johnny – I doubt that, the bitch was heartless.

Jim – She was different back then.

Johnny – I'm glad to know that I have that sort of affect on people's lives.

Jim – Enough.

Johnny – What?

Jim – Just enough.

Johnny – Enough of what?

Jim – No more of that cliché "everybody hates me" crap. God damn it gets old. You sound like a character from a stupid teenager television drama. You've been sounding like that for years now and I'm just getting sick of hearing about it. Mom is gone and she probably won't be coming back so go out and enjoy life for a change. Now get busy living or get busy dieing, but what ever you do stop living in the past.

Johnny – Cliché? I'm not the one who just used a movie quote in a inspirational speech. And I have the right to be pissed off.

Jim – Johnny, do you still have mom's note?

Johnny – What do you mean?

Jim – I mean the letter she wrote us before she left. The one that we were all the spawn of Satan and that she felt corrupted by being related to us. The one that she said...

Johnny – To my family. I despise the day that Arthur asked me to marry him. I despise myself for ever happily agreeing. Obviously I was blinded to the truth, but now I it, as my father had always insisted. My biggest failure in life was not having listened to his wise words. But I have paid for the arrogance of ignoring his wisdom with my very youth. You're all going to hell. I won't bother praying for you because it wouldn't help. Now I need to spend the rest of my life scouring my soul clean of the taint that you have put on it. I hate you for what you are. I hate you for what you've done to me. You are all dead to me.

Jim – Johnny.

Johnny – She didn't even sign it. How do you get on with your life after that?

Jim – You need to find something else. Dad had the business to keep him occupied.

Johnny – Yeah I know, he spent fifty or sixty hours a week there after mom left. I didn't ever see him. A lot of help he was.

Jim – Some times all we need is just to escape. Look at me, I read Sumo Assassin. It helps me forget this world for at least some time. It isn't even a good comic, but it beats thinking about life from time to time.

Johnny – Why the hell do you keep on reading it then if it isn't even a good comic?

Jim – It's comfortable. It's safe. It's home. Mom used to hate it. But it was

Johnny – It drove her nuts that you would spend so much time reading "that filth".

Jim – Mom didn't need much to get her going.

Johnny – No she didn't.

Jim – No.

Johnny – ( _after a pause_ ) Jim?

Jim – Yeah?

Johnny – What do you think happened to her?

Jim – What do you mean?

Johnny – I mean to make he do all of that. To change her. Was it me?

Jim – I don't think so. Dad did say that your birth was a bit longer than mine, but that wouldn't have done anything.

Johnny – Then why?

Jim – Do you remember Grandpa Davis?

Johnny – No, he died before I was born.

Jim – I know, and no loss there. But do you remember what dad and other people said about him?

Johnny – All I know is that he was supposed to be a religious lunatic.

Jim – That he was. He had started his own church somewhere out West. Something having to do with Jesus coming back and drop-kicking all the sinners into hell, with the help of the truly faithful of course. He was pretty much crazy.

Johnny – And we're related to him.

Jim – Yes we are. Course it didn't make him all that happy. That and he hated dad from the beginning because dad isn't a religious person, and that dad had the audacity to question anything grandpa said. They didn't get along at all. It's amazing that mom and dad actually got married. He spent years trying to talk mom into out of dating dad, and finally he all but disowned her when they got married.

Johnny – That's news to me.

Jim \- They didn't talk about it all that much.

Johnny – Then how did you find out about it?

Jim – Oh the usual way.

Johnny – Which is?

Jim – I did a lot of snooping around and eavesdropping. Almost got skinned alive when mom found out that I was doing it. If you think mom made your life miserable, Grandpa Davis was even worse to his kids. He fell in somewhere between mom and Eugene's dad. Closer though to Gene's dad I think.

Johnny – Does this mean that we descend from a long line of crazy people?

Jim – Well maybe. As near as I can tell, yes.

Johnny – I'm depressed.

Jim – (hands him a comic book) Sumo Assassin?

Johnny – What do you think that'll help?

Jim – I find Skinny's antics to be uplifting in times of sorrow. Well except for the time that he managed to run himself over with the Sumo-mobile. That was depressing.

Johnny – How did he do that?

Jim – Well he's not the brightest side-kick out there.

Johnny – Then why does would anyone keep him around?

Jim – A couple reasons, first he can fit into places that a five hundred pound sumo wrestler would never be able to go. That and well just look at his costume.

Johnny – It's a bright orange Bulls-eye.

Jim – Yep.

Johnny – What is that sposed ta mean?

Jim – It's Skinny's other vital skill, he's there to draw fire from the bad guys.

Johnny – He's got to be the dumbest side-kick ever.

Jim – Yep. He spent almost one entire issue stuffed inside a mail-box.

Johnny – What for?

Jim – To catch the Evil Mad Mail Bomber Vixen. She was sending letter bombs to people and it was Sumo's quest to catch her.

Johnny – Who gave him that quest?

Jim – Nobody gave him the quest he learned about it from watching the nightly news. He was just really bored that weekend, so off he went.

Johnny – That's just retarded.

Jim – If you think that's bad just read the issue where both Sumo and Skinny died, and then were resurrected by the Schizophrenic Bi-polar Doctor as zombies.

Johnny – What did he do that for?

Jim – Not a clue, mom caught me before had a chance to finish the comic. I later heard that it was considered to be both the best and worst Sumo Assassin comic ever. Never have been able to find another copy. Ah well, it doesn't really matter.

Johnny – Good thing you don't really like the series.

Jim – I never said I didn't like the Sumo Assassin.

Johnny – Yeah you did.

Jim \- I just said it wasn't all that good.

Johnny – What's the difference?

Jim \- I like a lot of stupid things. I usually know that they're stupid, but I still like them. Like those old monster movies from the 1950s, they're terrible, but I still enjoy watching them.

Johnny – You're weird.

Jim – Haven't we gone over this before?

Johnny – Yeah, a bunch of times.

Jim – Then why do you keep bringing it up?

Johnny – Because you're still weird. And you seem to forget how weird you are.

Jim – And I'll be weird until I die.

Johnny – Which will probably be at the hands of an angry mob when your innate weirdness scares someone's kid.

Jim – Well I won't worry about that until that happens. I am tired, so I think it's time for me to go and follow Gene's lead.

Johnny – Good luck dreaming about boobies. I think I'll head to bed as well. Been a long day.

Jim – Right now it's all I got. Night Johnny.

_(Jim and Johnny exit stage_ )

Scene 5

November. The basement. Liz's Jesus/Elvis posters are hanging in the background. Jim is back from school for Thanksgiving. Johnny and Gene are sitting in the couch playing video games. Jim is also on the couch waiting his turn. Liz is painting their picture as they do it. There is a table set up in the background in preparation for dinner.

Jim – I get to play Johnny when you two are done with this match.

Eugene – I thought you called winner.

Johnny – He did.

Eugene – Then why did he say that he was going to play you?

Jim – Gene, you haven't got a snowball's chance in hell of beating Johnny at this. An autistic five year old has as good of a chance as you.

Eugene – Not true, I've been practicing!

Jim – When was this?

Eugene – Earlier this week at the arcade.

Johnny – How much money did you waste this time?

Eugene – It was money well spent.

Jim – But how much was well spent?

Eugene – Ten dollars.

Johnny – How long did you play for?

Eugene – I wasn't playing. I was training. It was hard work.

Jim – How long did you play for?

Eugene – Twenty minutes.

Johnny – You blew through all ten dollars in just twenty minutes?

Eugene – What do you mean blew through? The arcade manager said he had never seen someone with my level of skill before in all his years of working at that arcade. In fact he said that he'd never forget the experience of watching me play. I'm just that good.

Jim – Did he say all of that with a strait face?

Eugene – No, he was smiling the whole time. But only because he was happy to bathe in the warm glow of the presence of a true master.

Jim – Did he say that too?

Eugene – No, he didn't have to.

Jim – I play Johnny when you two are done.

Eugene – How do you know? I bet I'll end up owning him.

Jim – Sure you will, just be sure to not to break the controller, I'm going to need it in a couple minutes.

Johnny – Are you two through yet? By the time we start this game I'll be as old as Jim.

Jim – You'll never live that long.

Johnny – What-ever. Are we ready Gene?

Eugene – Damn strait.

( _The game begins. Gene is dynamic and animated through the match. Johnny is quite still. The round lasts for about a minute._ )

Eugene – What the? No damnit don't just stand there. Block it...not with your head! No...Gah! Out of the way, out of the way. De-ie. Gppht.

Jim – That didn't take nearly as long as I expected.

Johnny – Ten dollars well spent.

Eugene – I was gypped! This controller doesn't work. I want a re-match, but I want a different controller first.

Jim – Is it? I better test it to make sure. Hand it over.

Eugene – I'm telling you it doesn't work.

Jim – Well only one way to be sure. Come on, give it over. ( _Gets the controller_ )

Johnny – Oh come on you two are really stretching it.

Jim – Ready?

Johnny – Why wouldn't I be? And you better not blame this beat-down on a bad controller.

Jim – Who says there is going to be a beat down?

(The game goes for about 2 minutes. Jim is animated in his responses, but not nearly so much as Eugene.)

Jim – Hey yeah, take that. Oh wait outta the corner! Out out, move damn you. You're making me look bad. There you go. Eat that John. Ha ha. No wait, stop that. Jeeze. Ouch. Damnit! You cheat!

Johnny – You loose again.

Jim – Gene's right, this controller is screwed up.

Eugene – See!

Johnny – What do you mean screwed up? You just suck at this game. Admit it.

Jim – I do not. The controller just doesn't work. I never once made my character lay down on the ground and look that's what he's doing now.

Johnny – He's lying on the ground because he's been knocked out.

Jim – Well he wouldn't have been knocked down if my controller would work.

Eugene – Yeah!

Liz – Oh for God's sake, you two are pathetic.

Jim – We are not. The controller is just wonky. I'm really pretty good at this game.

Liz \- I've seen you play, you're almost as bad as Gene.

Jim – I am not! It's the controller, I'm much better than Gene!

Eugene – Yeah! Hey! I'm good at this game.

Johnny – Gene, a blind autistic monkey with one paw tied behind its back could beat you.

Eugene – Could not, it was the controller damn it!

Liz – Give me the controller.

Jim – What for?

Liz – I'm going to play Johnny with it.

Jim – Like that's going to prove anything.

Johnny – Just give he the controller you whiner.

Liz \- Thank you.

( _Johnny and Liz play, both making suitable movements. Neither are as animated as either Jim or Eugene. The game lasts for a couple minutes_.)

(Running commentary)

Jim – How does she do that?

Eugene – I dunno.

Jim – Woah, I didn't even know that was possible.

Eugene – Why isn't she getting kicked in the forehead too?

Jim – Yeah, and how does she move so fast.

Eugene – She's giving Johnny a run for his money.

(/Running commentary)

Liz – See, the controller works fine.

Jim – Ok, well we just suck it seems.

Eugene – Yeah.

Johnny – It does at that. Finally, someone worth playing.

Jim – Where did you learn how to do that?

Liz – I've been playing with John.

( _Goes back to painting_ )

Johnny – She's gotten good. Lot of fun to play with now.

Jim – Why don't you ever play with me?

Liz – Because I hate watching you whimper and cry every time your fragile ego is crushed.

Jim – I don't cry.

Eugene – You do.

Jim – Well alright, maybe a little.

Johnny – Last time it happened, you burst into tears and ran from the room.

Jim – No I didn't!

Johnny – No you didn't, but it sure was fun to say.

Eugene – Wish I would have said it.

Jim – Shut up "Godzilla". Which reminds me, did you ever get the pictures from the Japanese tourists?

Eugene – Actually yes. They're in my photo album. They even wrote a letter.

Jim – What does it say?

Eugene – I'm not quite sure, they wrote it in Japanese.

Johnny – We translated part of it though.

Jim – So, what does it say?

Johnny – Well I think it starts out "dear crazy American."

Eugene – And that's about as far as we got.

Jim – That doesn't seem like much progress.

Johnny – Well we came to a disagreement on one of the characters.

Eugene – I'm telling you that little house shaped symbol isn't in the Japanese for dummies book.

Johnny – It doesn't look that much like a house, it looks more like a mountain.

Eugene – House.

Johnny – Mountain.

Eugene – House.

Johnny – Mountain.

Eugene – House.

Johnny – Mountain.

Jim – So Liz, what are you painting?

Liz – Huh?

Jim – What great creation are you working on now?

Liz – Ummm, I call it "Dorks Playing Poker."

Eugene – Where did you find the dorks?

Johnny – She means us.

Eugene – I resent that, I'm more of a geek. Besides we weren't playing poker.

Liz – It doesn't matter you can't see the screen anyways.

Johnny – You're more of an Idiot, house-boy.

Eugene – It is a house damn it.

Johnny – No it looks like a mountain.

Eugene – Prove it!

Johnny – Alright, let's go get the letter!

( _Johnny and Gene exit from the stage still arguing about the letter)_

Jim – How long has that been going on?

Liz – Since the letter came. About three weeks ago.

Jim – Those two. My God. How long have they been getting along for?

Liz – Pretty much all fall. They spend a lot of time together now.

Jim – That I never would have predicted.

Liz – Why not? Eugene has always liked Johnny, and Johnny has needed a friend for a while.

Jim – Yeah, but...

Liz – They're both smart, and share similar interests...

Jim – But...

Liz – Not to mention that they've known each other forever and that they live in the same house.

Jim – But...

Liz – But what?

Jim – Well I was just going to say that Johnny hates humanity as a whole, so how did it happen.

Liz – I think John finally let it go. He seems to have learned that from Eugene.

Jim – Is that so?

Liz – Seems to be.

Jim – I wonder what Eugene has happened to learn from Johnny.

Liz – That I'm not sure of, but it doesn't seem to be any sort of skill at video games.

Jim – That's for sure. I thought I was bad at games, but Gene, ten dollars in twenty minutes is just terrible. I wonder if that include all the time he had to wait for a turn to play the game.

Liz – Knowing Gene, he really blew twenty dollars in ten minutes, but not by playing video games.

Jim – What do you think he spent it on candy?

Liz – Have you seen how much candy that boy eats?

Jim – Yeah, but twenty dollars of candy is a lot of candy. I mean damn. If he could actually eat that much candy that fast shouldn't he be like 400 pounds by now?

Liz – Maybe he switched to some expensive imported brand of German chocolate.

Jim – Does that make him a junkie?

Liz – Not yet I hope.

Jim – So what are you painting.

Liz – I told you, "Dorks Playing Poker".

Jim – I thought you were just messing with Gene and Johnny.

Liz – No, you're playing games, but I'm calling it "Dorks Playing Poker". I like the sound of it.

Jim – It does have a nice ring to it. Do you mind if I take a look?

Liz – Sure.

Jim – (walks over and looks at the painting) You got Gene perfect. The expression on his face! Even how he moves! How long have you been working on that?

Liz – About a month now. It occurred to me while watching them play once.

( _from off stage_ )

Eugene – It's a house.

Johnny – It's a mountain.

Eugene – No it's a house.

( _Eugene and Johnny walk back onto stage_ )

Eugene – Jim, what does this character look like to you?

Johnny – Yeah, tell this dingus that it's a mountain.

Jim – ( _Takes the paper and looks at it_ ) It looks like an "A" to me.

Johnny – See it's a mountain!

Eugene – No it's an A-frame house.

Jim – No you idiots it's an A, the entire letter is written in English. Except for the header. It was even printed from a computer. You've been arguing about this for how long? I swear you two must have been dropped on your heads as children, repeatedly. How much time did you waste on this? And then you came and wasted my time. I swear. Don't you feel extremely stupid? Well?

Eugene and Johnny – Sucker! We got you good! ( _leave the stage laughing_ )

Jim – Did I miss something?

Liz – Well yes and no.

Jim – That was the dumbest practical joke I've ever seen.

Liz – Another thing Johnny and Gene have been doing since summer ended. Stupid practical jokes.

Jim – Gene promised Art he would stay out of trouble.

Liz – Well he hasn't gotten into trouble yet. You've missed a lot of stupid practical jokes. Mostly those two play them on one another, sometimes on Art. The quality of his jokes has suffered ever since he promised not to get into trouble.

Jim – Oh well. Enough of this, how have you been?

Liz – Lonely.

( _They embrace and kiss_ )

Jim – I've missed you.

Liz – I've missed you too, it's about time you came back to visit.

Jim – I've been busy, classes are a bit tougher this year.

Liz – Finally going to graduate, you sure took your sweet time.

Jim – I was enjoying myself, besides when in life would I ever get the chance to take a class about the history of early Mayan painting and sculpture.

Liz – You actually took that class?

Jim – Yeah, they gave me four credits to sleep for an hour a day. It was the greatest class ever.

Liz – You slept through the entire class? What did you get?

Jim – I didn't sleep through the entire class, I was awake for all of the tests.

Liz – But what did you get?

Jim – I got a solid D.

Liz – That's barely passing.

Jim – But it is a passing grade.

Liz – Why did you even bother to take the class if you weren't going to attempt to try and do well in it?

Jim – Well, I needed four more credits to be considered full time, and Mayan art fit into my schedule pretty well, so I took it.

Liz – Did you learn anything at least?

Jim – Yeah, I don't really like Mayan art.

Liz – That's all?

Jim – It's also difficult to sleep on those hard desks.

Liz – You're never going to graduate.

Jim – Sure I am, this spring.

Liz – You finally talked to your councilor?

Jim – Yep.

Liz – What did he say?

Jim – Well, the first thing out of his mouth was "who the hell are you?"

Liz – I told you that you should have talked to him sooner.

Jim – He said the same thing, at least after he figured out who I was. But then he told me that I was just about 20 credits from graduating, and at the end of this semester I would only need 8 more.

Liz – Did he say anything else?

Jim – He also asked why I had taken the Mayan art class, and a few others. I explained and in the end he seemed to have been happy to see me getting ready to leave.

Liz – You're impossible.

Jim – Yep, and its hard work too. Speaking of art, when did you want to do my nude portrait?

Liz – How about this weekend some time?

Jim – Sounds good to me. What do you want me to wear?

Liz – We'll figure that out later. I'm working on a new technique.

Jim – What sort of technique?

Liz – Dark painting.

Jim – Is that the one that involves using all sorts of dark colors?

Liz – No, it involves painting in a dark room. Then you can't see either the canvas or the subject.

Jim – I have just been insulted.

Liz – No you haven't

Jim – I'm pretty sure I have.

Liz – Well maybe just a little.

Jim – New subject?

Liz – Sure.

Jim \- Who's cooking dinner tonight?

Liz – I think Art and Karen are.

Jim – Dad is going to cook? Someone actually let him into the kitchen?

Liz – You're dad's a good cook.

Jim – Since when?

Liz – He's been cooking all semester.

Jim – My God, and I missed it. He must have learned only to impress Karen. He couldn't cook to save his life before he met her.

Liz – Who did most of the cooking then?

Jim – When we didn't order out, I did.

Liz – I didn't know that you could cook.

Jim – I can't. We ate out a lot. When we didn't happen to eat out, we ate cold cereal. You've met Karen?

Liz – Yep.

Jim – What is she like?

Liz – Haven't you met her yet?

Jim – Nah, Art wasn't ready to bring her to meet us, and then I had to go back to school.

Liz – How long have you known about her?

Jim – In general, I first heard about her the day of your show. I think he had known her for about four hours at the time, and he was already in love.

Liz – I didn't meet her for about a month or so after that, Art invited us all to dinner.

Jim – For Johnny?

Liz – For Johnny.

Jim – How did he take it?

Liz – Not bad, I think he's still trying to figure out how he feels about it all. That and I don't think that it's possible not to like Karen. I think Johnny has a little crush on her.

Jim – Is she that nice?

Liz – Nice, smart, pretty. Karen has it all. I sometimes wish that I were more like her?

Jim – Wha?

Liz – I just wish I was more like Karen.

Jim – How so?

Liz – What do you mean?

Jim – Sorry I'm confused about the whole subject.

Liz – What is there to be confused about? I'd just like to be more like Karen.

Jim –Liz you're perfect as you are. You're gorgeous, intelligent and extremely talented.

Liz – Do you really think so?

Jim – Of course I do. I think most women probably want to be more like you.

Liz – ( _Kisses Jim_ ) Thank you.

Jim – I just call them as I see them.

Liz – Well I'm going to go check to see how Art is doing with the turkey.

Jim – You do that, I'll start looking for the number that pizza parlor uptown.

( _Liz exits the stage_ )

Jim – ( _To himself out loud_ ) Well, at least I caught it on the first bounce, I could have gotten into much trouble had I missed a chance to drop a complement.

( _Jim walks over to the couch and sits down, taking out a new addition of S-A and starts to read it, momentarily both Eugene and Johnny enter_ )

Eugene – Ok, this time I'm going to crush you! I mean it, no holding back!

Johnny – Right.

Eugene – You're going to be humiliated. I didn't play with my fullest potential before.

Johnny – Uh-huh

Eugene – Just remember when its all over that it's just a game, don't get suicidal or anything. I mean I was kind of hungry, but now that we've eaten I don't have anything to distract me from handing out the beat-down.

Johnny – Will do.

Eugene – Its going to be bad for you, maybe we shouldn't play it'll save you a lot pain.

Johnny – I think I can handle it.

Eugene – Are you sure? It's going to really hurt! I have some great moves that I didn't use before.

Johnny – You ready?

Eugene – Uh, yeah. Just making sure you didn't want to back out. Just want to save you from as much hurt as possible.

Johnny – Why thanks. Shall we?

Eugene – Um sure, prepare to be owned.

Johnny – Okay.

Eugene – You done preparing? Or do you need more time?

Johnny – I was born ready. Let's get started.

Eugene – Alright, let's get going. Are you sure you don't need more time to prepare? I'm in no hurry.

Johnny – Let's play.

Eugene – Okay! Uh-oh!

Johnny – What's wrong?

Eugene – Oh the pain!

Johnny – Now what?

Eugene – I have to goto the bathroom, take a few minutes to warm up, you'll need it.

Johnny – Don't fall in.

( _Eugene leaves the stage in a noticeable hurry_ )

Johnny – What's his problem?

Jim – Aside from his inability to master Super Karate-Master 6000?

Johnny – He sure does suck at this game, I've seen him get stomped by 7 year olds at the arcade.

Jim – Gaming isn't his strong point.

Johnny – No doubt about that. But what is his strong point?

Jim – Eugene has two major skills as far as I know. ( _A moment of silence_ )

Johnny – What are they?

Jim – Oh, I thought we had gone over this before.

Johnny – Not that I recall. What is Gene good at?

Jim – His two super-powers are his wondrous ability to bull-shit and the propensity not to be bothered by being completely embarrassed when he gets himself into extremely awkward and stupid situations.

Johnny – Awkward situations? You mean like when he...

Jim \- ...Yep, like that.

Johnny – And with the nude pictures...

Jim \- ...Uh-huh.

Johnny – And the mascot costume and the fake blood?

Jim – He survived the angry mob didn't he?

Johnny – But super-powers?

Jim – They seem to be. And if they aren't, they sure could be.

Johnny – I'm surprised that he's survived to be as old as he has.

Jim – I'm not sure, but I think he's impervious to bullets too.

Johnny – Has someone shot at him too?

Jim – Not while I was around, but I wouldn't bet against it. Speaking of Gene, how far along have we gotten in adopting him.

Johnny – Nowhere.

Jim – What do you mean? I thought Art was going to start right away.

Johnny – He did, but Gene's dad wouldn't sign any papers.

Jim – Isn't Gene old enough to get around that? I thought that the adoption was only a formal thing we were doing.

Johnny – You'd like to think that, but there was some sort of obscure law and it all fell apart.

Jim – How strangely inconvenient.

Johnny – Yeah it is. Jim?

Jim – What?

Johnny – I feel like I'm being watched.

Jim – What?

Johnny – You know, like in the movie the Truman show. Some times I feel like cameras following my every move. It's creepy.

Jim – That's rather paranoid.

Johnny – I know. I know it is. But when something like that happens, well all I can usually think of is how it makes good drama for anyone out there watching.

Jim – It might be entertaining. I'll have to keep this in mind and actually go out and be more exciting, my sitting around and reading comics all day can't be much of a drawing factor to the Johnny Show.

Johnny – Or all the times you masturbate.

Jim – I think that they would at least censor that...maybe cut to commercial.

Johnny – That's a lot of time wasted on commercials.

Jim – The network must be making a killing. Wait a minute, why are we talking about this?

Johnny – I don't know, what were we talking about before?

Jim – Um, Truman Show, cameras, Eugene not being allowed to be adopted. Yeah, what the hell? Why aren't we allowed to adopt him?

Johnny – Well Eugene's father's attorney found some obscure law that said that Gene could never be adopted by anyone while the father was still alive.

Jim – That's it?

Johnny – Yep, the judge ruled in favor of Gene's father. As long as he's alive Gene needs his permission to be adopted by anyone. Gene's father wouldn't ever let that happen because Gene would be happy. The bastard is a total sadist.

Jim – What if Gene's mother gave us permission.

Johnny – Wouldn't work.

Jim – Why not?

Johnny – Firstly nobody can find Gene's mom. Gene's father tried and failed, Gene tried and failed, the state tried and failed.

Jim – But if we did it...

Johnny \- ...If we did it, it still wouldn't matter. Only his father can give permission.

Jim – That seems rather sexist.

Johnny – Yeah, but its a hundred and fifty year old law what do you expect.

Jim – Why didn't the judge rule against such a stupid law?

Johnny – That putz? Well what do you expect from an old conservative warhorse? To accept change and strike down a stupid pointless law? That judge is at least as crazy as Gene's father. Besides I think that some money changed hands somewhere in there.

Liz enters

Jim – Possible, always possible. How was dinner going Liz?

Liz – They'll be ready in less than about an hour. So what are you two talking about?

Jim & Johnny – Eugene.

Liz – The legal problems?

Johnny – What else.

Liz – Good point, he has been well behaved lately. At least as far as I know. I guess there isn't much else to talk about. ( _To Jim_ ) So you know that Art isn't allowed to adopt him.

Jim – That's what Johnny was saying. How is Gene taking it all?

Liz – Surprisingly well, at least after the first couple weeks. He was really down in the dumps for a while.

Jim – How did you guys snap him out of his funk?

Liz – We didn't

Johnny – He just came out of it one day.

Jim – Oh damn.

Liz – Think it's a front?

Jim – Could be.

Johnny – Maybe he wasn't serious about wanting to be adopted.

Jim – I think he was very serious about being adopted by us.

Johnny – I know. I wish there was some way to help him.

Jim – Yeah I...Wait, did I just hear you correctly?

Johnny – What do you mean?

Jim – That you wanted to help Gene out?

Johnny – Why shouldn't I? Gene is my friend.

Jim – Just wanted to make sure I heard you correctly.

Johnny – What's that sposed to mean?

Jim – Well..

Liz – Johnny you remember a couple months ago when you said you wished that Gene would just hurry up and get himself killed?

Johnny – Yeah, so?

Liz – It's hard to forget that you said that just a few months ago. It's a big change for such a short time.

Jim – It's a big change.

Johnny – So people change some times, big deal.

Jim – It's a good change. Have you been much happier since Gene moved in?

Johnny – Gene moved in years ago.

Jim – I mean officially.

Johnny – Mostly I guess. Except for...

Liz – For what?

Johnny – I was disappointed when I found out that we wouldn't be able to adopt Gene.

Jim – Maybe there's something we can do to change the judges mind.

Liz – Not likely.

Jim – Why not?

Johnny – The man has made up his mind.

Jim – Could we get the law struck down as pointless and un-constitutional?

Liz – It would cost too much money.

Jim – We could hold a fund raiser.

Johnny – Is that the best you can come up with?

Jim – What's wrong with the idea?

Liz – Think long and hard for a minute about all the people Gene has pissed off over the years. How many of them do you think would donate money to help him out.

Jim – Point made. Well isn't there some sort of loophole we can take advantage of?

Liz – We looked. The only thing that comes close is a clause that makes the whole argument null and void if Eugene's father dies.

Johnny – And his father is healthy as an ox.

Jim – Damn. I'm out of ideas.

Liz \- I know, what would Sumo Assassin do at a time like this?

Johnny – Soil his diaper.

Liz – No really, what would he do?

Jim – I don't think it would apply to our situation?

Liz – Why not?

Jim – It just wouldn't

Liz – What would he do?

Jim – Sumo Assassin would race to the courthouse on the Sumo-mobile crash it through the walls and then Aunt Jeihmima the judge, backing over him once or twice to make sure that the judge would stay down. That would only happen after Eugene's father received the same treatment.

Liz – I guess that wouldn't work here.

Jim – Nope. Guess we have two choices here, wait till Gene's father dies and then move forward with the adoption, or forget it all.

Johnny – I hate waiting. Can't we pray for Eugene's father to get hit by a train or something?

Jim – I don't think it usually works like that.

Liz – They do say that god works in mysterious ways.

Jim – I think that they don't usually ascribe a man being hit by a train as an act of God.

Johnny – What would they call it then?

Jim – Drunkenness. Or plain stupidity. Eugene's dad never leaves the house anyways. The train would have to crash through his bedroom wall to get to him.

Johnny – Well it might happen.

Jim – That house is at least 10 miles from any railroad tracks. The man has a better chance of being struck by lightning while winning the lottery than he does of being hit by a train while sitting in his bedroom. I'm pretty sure Gene's father won't be hit by a train. Unless...

Johnny – Unless what?

Jim – Unless a tornado drops one on him.

Liz – That won't happen. We haven't had a tornado here in 50 years at least.

Johnny – Very funny.

Jim \- We can always hope though. It'd be the easiest way to solve the problem.

Johnny – How so? By not doing anything?

Jim – We could get a voodoo doll of him and poke it with pins.

Johnny – That won't work.

Liz – How do you know?

Johnny – I tried it already.

Jim \- Who on?

Johnny – Who do you think?

Liz – So that's why Eugene is so terrible at all of the video games you two play. You know that's not very sporting of you.

Johnny – I didn't use voodoo on Gene. Well not lately anyways.

Jim – Mom.

Johnny – Yep.

Jim – How do you know it didn't work?

Johnny – Well she's still alive. Even after I dropped the bowling ball on the doll. I even stuffed it with catnip and gave it to Mrs. Kodger's cats. That doll didn't last very long from all the abuse it received, but mom did.

Jim – Maybe you didn't do it right.

Johnny – Hey, I followed the instructions that came with it to the letter. It doesn't work. Voodoo dolls are a waste of time.

Liz – Aren't you supposed to use ingredients like goats blood to create a potion?

Johnny – That's what the instructions said to do. This one said to use the blood of a Dodo bird.

Jim – And you still did it?

Johnny – Of course!

Liz – Where did you get the Dodo's blood?

Johnny – I didn't actually use Dodo blood.

Liz – Why not? Isn't that what the recipe called for?

Johnny – I couldn't find any. It seems that Dodo birds have been extinct for over a hundred years.

Jim – Is that when you gave up?

Johnny – No, I went through with it anyways.

Jim – What did you use then?

Johnny – Food coloring.

Liz – You used red food coloring in place of chicken's blood?

Johnny – No, I used yellow food coloring. We were out of red at the time.

Jim – Perhaps that is why you're attempt at using dark magic failed. However I doubt that voodoo curses would solve our problems anyhow.

Liz – Red food coloring would have been a little better, but not much.

Jim – You could have at least used Tabasco sauce or something, we always have that.

Johnny – I didn't think it would matter what I put in if I didn't have the Dodo blood.

Liz – Good point.

Jim – Guess we can discount using dark magic or voodoo to solve the problem of Gene's father.

Johnny – What do you suggest then?

Jim – I dunno, just wait I guess.

Johnny – And then what?

Jim – And hope that he spontaneously combusts.

Johnny – Spontaneously combusts.

Liz – Which is about as likely as his getting hit by a train while he's sitting in his living room.

Johnny – You're a lot of help.

Jim – What can I say? I'm a fountain of wisdom.

Johnny – Don't you want to adopt Gene?

Jim – Yes, I'd like to have Gene as a member of the family, which is a weird thing to say.

Johnny – Then why do you keep goofing of? Why don't you try to help?

Jim – Johnny, if what you've told me is correct then all we can really do is wait and hope that Eugene's father finally dies and goes to hell.

Liz – He's right Johnny, there isn't anything we can do but wait till he dies.

Jim – We could give voodoo another shot. Else it's wait for Eugene's father to burst into flames on his own.

Johnny – Funny.

Jim – We don't have many options, aside from murder and I'm not willing to go that far.

Liz – That's not even funny. Don't joke about that.

Jim – It wasn't a joke. Just the truth.

Liz – I'm going to check on dinner. ( _Liz exits_ )

Jim – What was that all about?

Johnny – You tell me, you're dating her.

Jim – I didn't get a blip on my radar.

Johnny – What's that sposed to mean?

Jim – Nothing.

Johnny – No, really what did that mean.

Jim – It means that I didn't see that coming and I don't know why it happened. If you want to know more ask dad about women.

Johnny – Ask dad about women? You have to be kidding. Anyway I'm going to check on dinner too. ( _Johnny exits stage, leaving Jim to go back to Sumo Assassin_ )

Scene 6

The basement, the table is in the forefront now. Jim is still reading Sumo Assassin while lying on a couch at the edge of the stag. The other characters bring in the various courses and implements necessary for Thanksgiving dinner. Slowly everyone else trickles in, starting with Art and Karen.

Art – ( _Shouts_ ) Jim where are you?

Jim – ( _Sits up_ ) Right here, where I've been for the last twenty minutes.

Art – Why haven't you been helping out?

Jim – Um, because there were already a bunch of people. And you didn't need any more to get in the way. Besides, I wanted to catch up with Sumo here.

Art – That stupid comic book still...

Jim – Well yeah, I don't know anyone in the real world named Sumo.

Art – What about that fat kid down the block? Wasn't he nicknamed Sumo?

Jim – That was Tubbo, and it was only a nick name we gave him. I wanted to name him Sumo, but he refused to wear the loincloth.

Art – I don't blame him.

Jim – Neither do I, but still, it would have been funny to see.

Art – Son, seeing large naked butt being framed by a loincloth usually doesn't classify as fun.

Jim – Tell that to millions of Japanese people.

Art – You see that is completely cultural. In our county it is considered unusual to enjoy watching two very fat men in loincloths grapple with one another.

Jim – I am not unusual.

Art \- On to more important matters. Jim, this is Karen. Karen here's my oldest son Jim.

Karen – Hi.

( _They shake hands_ )

Jim – Good to finally meet you.

Karen – Art has told me a lot about you. So has Elizabeth.

Jim – They've told you a lot about me?

Karen – Yes they have.

Jim – Was any of it mildly interesting?

Karen – I thought so.

Jim – The must have lied then.

Karen – Art, you didn't mention that he was witty.

Art – What wit? I believe that he was serious.

Jim – If Dad and Liz told you a lot about me, then they must have been lying about most of it. I'm not really that interesting.

Karen – You like the comic Sumo Assassin, that in itself if interesting.

Jim – You've heard of Sumo Assassin?

Karen – I've actually read a couple different issues.

Jim – What did you think?

Karen – It was the worst thing I've ever had the poor judgment to start reading. It comes in just after supermarket tabloids.

Jim – Tabloids? You've never read the special edition series or Sumo Assassin, it's even worse than most tabloids, they don't even bother to make full sentences or finish thoughts. Which is damn near impossible to accomplish without trying to do so.

Karen \- But if you can show that much loyalty to something so terrible for so long, well Elizabeth is a lucky woman.

Art – Lucky to have won the loyalty of a dork like my son.

Jim – You're telling me. She must have accumulated some bad Karma?

Karen – Well aside from reading Sumo Assassin, what do you enjoy doing?

( _Liz enters, carrying one last serving bowl behind Karen and Art, Jim can see her_ )

Jim – Well, I like sitting and lying down on this couch, watching television, playing video games, and when she lets me, touching Elizabeth's breasts.

Liz – Which won't be any time soon if you keep this up.

Jim – Ah, well. ( _Searching for words for a time_ )...to hell with it, I'm cutting my losses.

Art – Good call Jim. It's always best quit while you're behind, but still not in dead last.

Liz – What makes you think I would let you off that easy?

Jim – Um, because it's almost dinner time and you're hungry?

Karen – Hi Elizabeth!

Liz – Hi Karen!

( _Liz and Karen hug in greeting_ )

Liz – I am hungry. We'll talk about this later.

Jim – Damn. Last time I make that joke.

Art – Can't win them all.

Jim – I'd settle for breaking even sometimes.

Art – Not going to happen. At least not too often. And when it does it will startle you so badly that you'll suspect a trick and won't be able to enjoy the experience.

Jim – Wow, that's reassuring.

Art – Was it? I just wanted to bring you down.

Jim – Well you've succeeded.

Liz – Don't worry Jimbo, I might let you win from time to time.

Karen – Might.

Jim – Did they plan that?

Art – Wouldn't surprise me if they did. But it wouldn't surprise me if they could just read one another's minds.

Jim – Do you think she's serious?

Karen – How have you been Liz?

Art – You mean about letting you win?

Liz – Busy.

Jim – Yeah.

Karen – Working on a new show?

Art – Don't count on it.

Liz – Always. Mom has a lot of plans for me.

Jim – I'll try not to.

Karen – When do I get to meet her?

Liz – She's coming to Thanksgiving dinner with us?

Jim – What? Cleo is eating here?

( _Jim leaps over the back of the couch and starts sorting through the cushions_ )

Art – Yes, Charles is out of town so we invited her.

Jim – Where are they? Curse them. Ah ha! Here they are. ( _Jim holds up the Groucho glasses disguise from earlier_ ).

Art \- What are you doing with those ridiculous things?

Jim – Just a precaution. Couldn't she have gone out of town with him? Are they still fighting? ( _Puts on the glasses_ )

Liz –They're still fighting. Jim take those off, you look like an idiot.

Jim – I thought that they had started getting along better over the last couple of months.

Liz – They were. Then as usual it all fell apart. In short dad took his secretary on the trip instead of taking mother.

Art – So we invited her for thanksgiving. The woman is nearly family, I guess, in a weird contorted sort of way. The more the merrier.

Jim – Who else is going to be here?

Art – Well myself, Karen, Liz, Eugene, you and to round it all out, Johnny. Speaking of which where is Johnny? He hasn't bothered to get in the way for the last hour or so.

Jim – How long did it take you to notice that dad? He's almost always in the way when it comes to Thanksgiving dinner.

Karen – He said he had some things to do before dinner.

Art – Did he say when he would be back?

Karen – Just later.

Jim – He'll be here, its his favorite holiday.

Karen – I didn't know that Johnny was so sentimental.

Art – He isn't, he just likes the food. The boy would crash a wake if the food were good.

Jim – He actually wanted to do that once.

Art – He didn't do it did he?

Jim – Nah, Liz and I talked him out of it.

Art – I didn't think reasoning with the boy would work.

Jim – It didn't.

Karen – What did you say then?

Jim – That crashing a wake for the food was something that Gene would do.

Liz – He didn't take it that well. He moped for like two weeks after that.

( _Cleo enters carrying the main course_ )

Liz – Hello mother.

Cleo – The turkey has finished cooking. Shall we eat?

( _Eugene and Johnny enter_ )

Johnny – Did I hear the magic words?

Eugene – Mmmmm, dinner.

Jim – Told you he wouldn't be gone long.

Liz – Where have you two been?

Johnny – I was taking care of something. Nothing important, just something I needed to see.

Eugene – I accidentally locked myself in the bathroom. Again.

Jim – How do you do that?

Eugene – If I knew how I wouldn't keep doing it.

Art – Who let you out this time.

Eugene – Johnny did when he got back a couple minutes ago. He's my current hero.

Liz – I wonder how long that will last.

Karen – From what I've seen, only until Art starts carving the turkey. Then whoever hands him his plate will take that place.

Jim – I don't think it will even last that long.

Karen – Dinner is only a few minutes away.

Jim – I know. I know. But it is Eugene.

Karen – His attention span can't be that short.

Liz – It's gotten better over the last few months.

( _Cleo approaches Eugene_ )

Cleo – My my Eugene you are looking quite handsome today.

Eugene – Why um thank you uh Mrs. Straun. ( _He gets a frown from Cleo_ ) Errr Cleo.

Cleo – My pleasure Eugene. ( _Moves to the table_ )

Jim – What was that?

Liz – What was what?

Jim – Cleo just made a pass at Eugene.

Liz – What?

Jim – She just told him that he was handsome today.

Liz – Are you sure?

Jim – Yep, just look at Gene, he's completely red.

Liz – He is.

Jim – I wonder what that was all about.

Liz – I don't know. It's too early in the day for her to have been drinking.

( _To Eugene_ )

Liz – How long has that been going on?

Eugene – What?

Liz – My mother hitting on you.

Eugene – She hasn't been hitting on me.

Liz – Then what do you call it?

Eugene – Uh, noticing my natural good looks and complementing me in a positive manner about them.

Liz – ( _Frowning_ ) How long has it been going on?

Eugene – I dunno...

Jim – Better him than me.

Liz – Jim! Gene? How long?

Eugene – A month or so maybe.

Liz – Just after her fight with father.

Jim – She fled into Gene's awaiting arms? Must have been one terrible fight.

Eugene – Hey!

Liz – What is with that woman and trying to seduce my friends?

Jim – Better Gene than me!

Liz – Jim!

Eugene – What's that supposed to mean?

Jim – What? It was creepy getting hit on by your mother. It felt kind of like that movie the Graduate, except that it only wierded me out and I didn't get to see her in the nude.

Eugene – Shes still in remarkably good shape for...

Liz and Jim – You?

Eugene – No, well not really, well sorta but not really.

Liz – You, you, with my mother?

Eugene – What? No.

Jim – You didn't?

Eugene – No!

Liz – Then what are you talking about?

Eugene – Well I was over at your house.

Liz – I gathered that...

Eugene – And I was wandering around looking for a bathroom. I found one.

Jim – You walked in on her?

Eugene – How was I supposed to know that she showered in the nude?

Jim – That has got to be the dumbest thing I ever heard you say.

Liz – When did this all happen.

Eugene – About a year ago.

Liz – And why...

Art – Dinner is served!

Eugene – Ohhhhh Turkey time. ( _Rushes to his seat, Followed by everyone else_ )

Art \- Careful boy, you'll choke again.

Eugene – I will, don't worry.

( _The family sits at the table and starts to pass around the various dishes_ )

Cleo \- So Geney, how is school going?

Eugene – ( _Looks up from his plate_ ) Um fine Mrs. Straun...Cleo.

Art – Are your grades staying up?

Eugene – Yer ey arrrr!

Art – What?

Liz – Gene, swallow before you speak!

Cleo – That is vulgar darling.

Eugene – Sorry. ( _Back to eating_ )

Art – Not a problem, now how are your grades.

Eugene – Deh arrrr fie.

Cleo – Eugene, weren't you listening? Don't speak while you are eating.

Eugene – Murgle Furgle.

Jim – Enough, let him eat or this will go on all night.

Karen – Good idea Jim.

Liz – Especially since I'm on the receiving end of the spray.

Johnny – May I be excused for a while?

Art – You feeling okay?

Johnny – I'm fine, I just have some things to take care of, and I'm not too hungry.

Art – Go ahead, but don't take too long, we have traditions to uphold.

Jim – Dad, that's not going to induce him to return quickly.

Karen – Do you want us to leave some dinner out for you for later?

Johnny – No, I'll take care of it. Thanks.

Art – Sure it will.

Karen – Take care of yourself.

Eugene – Buh! Buh!

Liz – Gah! Cut that out Gene! I don't feel like wearing turkey today.

Jim – Orange is your color though.

Art – Are you inferring that Johnny doesn't care our noble tradition of scrabble after dinner?

Jim – Do you remember what words he made the last time we played scrabble? Bored. . Help. Escape. Suicide

Art – Ok, so we allow Johnny to opt out of this game.

Jim – Good idea I guess.

Art – What's amiss now?

Jim – Look around, we either have too few teams or too many. I'm not playing scrabble against you alone again. Last time we did you spiked the little wooden-dealy that holds the letters when you won.

Art – Well I did go out by using all my letters on a triple word score space and I Just got excited. Anyways, how about we play a team game, Karen and myself, against you and Elizabeth and then Eugene and Cleo?

Eugene – Ummm....

Cleo – Those teams sound wonderful.

Liz – It sounds like fun.

Jim – I guess that means that I'm playing. But if you start getting bad we're putting the board away. You in Karen?

Karen – Sure. I haven't played Scrabble in years, hope I remember the rules.

Jim – Well dad is a rules lawyer so he'll let you know if you step wrong.

Art – Ok, lets get dinner cleared away so the crushing of your egos can begin.

( _They clear the table and get set up to play_ )

Liz – Is he always like this?

Jim – Cut the trash talk Art.

Karen – Yes, this is supposed to be a friendly family game.

Art – It's not trash talk, it's a statement of intent and a prediction of the future.

Jim – It's only going to get worse.

Eugene – I'm glad this only happens once a year.

Art – Still aching from last years defeat are you?

Liz – He's like our very own Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.

Jim – Just wait until the game begins. He's more like Bruce Banner and the Incredible Hulk.

Karen – I'm sure he'll be well behaved, won't you sweetie?

Art – I'm always on the strait and narrow.

Cleo – If we're going to play, let's play.

Eugene – Let's get going.

Art – You all know the rules right? Good! Prepare to be crushed!

Jim – And so it begins. We'll pick letters first.

Art – As you wish, it will not help you to prevail.

Jim – Will you do the honors Liz?

Liz – Sure, how many do we get.

Eugene – Seven.

Liz – Ok. ( _She draws her letters_ ) Done.

Jim – Lemme see. Sweet mother of crap! How did you manage that?

Liz – I don't know. I think the bag was rigged.

Karen – What's wrong?

Jim – We got the z, the q and the x all at once.

Art – Lucky, you got all the good letters.

Eugene – I don't think I know any words that have a z in them.

Cleo – Of course you do handsome. Now be quiet and let me choose the letters. Ah, not bad.

Eugene – Woah we can spell...

Cleo – Don't say it, that word is in poor taste.

Eugene – Fun?

Cleo – Oh no, very good dear.

Art – Will you do the honors my beauty?

Karen – Don't you want to pick the letters yourself?

Art – No dear, a pattern has been set in place and it would be rude to change it now.

Karen – Looks like it's my turn then. Ohh these are pretty good.

Art – That they are. Jim what is that word?

Jim – What word?

Eugene – Dr....dra...d-r-a-q-x-z-e?

Art – Yes that.

Liz – It's a sort of creature that lives under little kids beds.

Cleo – Elizabeth!

Liz –Yes mother?

Cleo – Your father and I taught you never to cheat at anything...Don't look at me like that!  
Jim – Alright we'll take it back. I thought it was a good word.

Art – You just don't have the spirit of a scrabblist.

( _the phone rings offstage_ )

Art – I'll get it.

Liz – It was a good word.

Cleo \- Invented words are not allowed in Scrabble, you know that.

Liz – Why not, words have to be invented at some point.

Eugene – She has a point.

Karen – It doesn't work like that though. Good try anyways.

Jim – Well let's use this word instead.

Eugene – Raze?

Liz – It means to burn something down I think.

Karen – Like to Vikings razing a village. Good job.

( _Art Returns_ )

Art – Eugene...

Jim – Who was on the phone.

Art – It was the fire department...

Liz – What do they want on Thanksgiving? Is it a fundraiser?

Art – Eugene, your house is on fire.

Eugene – It doesn't seem to be on fire to me.

Cleo – Oh dear.

Art \- No, your father's house. He's trapped inside.

Eugene – Good. Whose turn is it?

Karen – Gene!

Eugene \- What?

Karen – What do you mean good? Your father is trapped in a burning building.

Eugene – Good riddance. When they put his stinking corpse into the ground I will dance on the grave and sing a happy little song.

Art – (Takes Karen aside) He's not going to be hurt by this dear.

Karen – But his father could be dieing in a fire.

Art – Yep.

Karen – Why? Why doesn't he care?

Art – I'll fill you in later. Now isn't the time to talk about it.

Eugene – Where's Johnny? I thought he'd like to be here when we finally got some good news.

Liz – I haven't seen him since he excused himself at dinner earlier.

Cleo – Well should we go look for him?

Jim – Why bother?

Cleo – Because he's your brother and you care for him?

Jim – He'll turn up eventually.

Karen – What kind of attitude is that?

Jim – The best kind to adopt when you're dealing with Johnny.

Cleo – What do you mean by that?

Jim – I mean that he'll be back when he's ready to come back.

Art – Perhaps instead we should go and see if we can get some more information about the fire, it should have made the news by now.

Eugene – It's not like anything else goes on here for the stations to report.

Cleo – I'll bet that those sorrow peddlers are overjoyed for a fire on Thanksgiving.

Finale

Jim is sitting alone in the basement reading his comic. Art, Liz and Eugene enter in a rather downcast and upset manner.

Jim \- Find him yet?

Eugene – Yeah.

Liz – Oh Johnny.

Jim – Well where was he at?

Art – He was in Eugene's father's house.

Jim – What was he doing there?

Eugene – I suspect burning.

Jim – What?

Art – Johnny set the fire.

Jim – I'm not following.

Liz – Johnny set the fire at Eugene's father's house.

Jim – I heard the first time. Where is he now?

Eugene – He's dead Jim.

Art – So is Eugene's father.

Liz – They both died in the fire.

Jim – Why?

Art – He left a note.

Jim – What does it say?

Eugene – We don't know.

Liz – Nobody can read his writing.

Jim – Can I see it?

Art – Sure, here ( _hands Jim the letter_ ).

Jim – (Looks at the letter) I can't make heads or tails of this.

Liz – I think that you're holding it upside down.

Jim – That looks like the letter 't'. I still can't make sense of it.

Eugene – Nobody else could either.

Art – He was doing so well.

Jim – Wait a minute that's an 'f'.

Liz – He was doing a lot better.

Eugene – He had actually been smiling the last couple months.

Jim – Hmmmmm...

Art – That damn kid. Why did he do it?

Jim – Didn't say. Guess why doesn't matter now. All that is left is that he did do it.

Liz – Are you ok Jim?

Jim – I've been better. Been worse too though. It's like I lost something that I barely had in the first place. I don't know how I feel yet.

Liz – I think I'm going to go back upstairs and talk to Karen.

Eugene – I'm going to go for a walk. Need to clear my head.

Art –I'll talk to you two later of you want to.

Liz – Thanks Art.

( _Eugene and Liz head back upstairs_ )

Art – Why do you think he did it Jim?

Jim – You know why as well as I do.

Art – Indeed. Indeed. Are you going to be ok?

Jim – Are you?

Art – Time heals all wounds. I just wish it didn't take so long to do it.

Jim – ( _Nods agreement_ )

Art – I'm going to go back up and spend some time with Karen and Elizabeth.

Jim – I'll be here.

Art Exits and after a couple minutes Jim goes back to reading his comic

