

I Go Railfanning in My Pajamas

By Amanda McGauley

Smashwords Edition

Copyright 2013 Amanda McGauley

Smashwords Edition License Notes

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Preface

For as long as I can remember, writing a book of some sort has been on my radar. Autobiography, fiction, humor, orthopedic nursing; it didn't matter just as long as I authored something. With this being said, I bring to you I Go Railfanning in My Pajamas. Granted this book has little to nothing in regards to railfanning (a nicer term to describe the hobby of watching trains) or pajamas; it does however consist of sayings and a few stories about my grandma I have accumulated over the course of my thirty-three years, complete with explanations as to what these phrases mean. Why write a book on that? While my grandparents are still alive, I thought it would be best to, with their assistance, help me better put into perspective what each saying means. Ok, sure, it is mostly a book of quotes, but the fact is, it's a book written by me. Before you get started, allow me to provide you with some background on my grandparents, myself as well as other characters you will encounter throughout this work.

Train nut, author by day, registered nurse (RN) with a bachelor degree in nursing (BSN) and certification in orthopedics (ON-C) by night-that'd be me-literally. Having been involved in some sort of medical job for a long period of time, in 2005, I opted to go back to school and obtain my RN degree with the hopes of using this as a stepping stone for medical school later on in life. Becoming a physician is something I have been pursuing since 1992, when I first watched an episode of Picket Fences; to be the next Jill Brock. In 2012, I obtained my BSN from Ferris State University and as of March 2013, certification in orthopedic nursing. Talk about alphabet soup: try writing RN, BSN, ON-C after your signature. I will just settle for RN, BSN inside the work setting. My hobbies (aside from writing) include you guessed it- railfanning, hanging with my best friend, taking last minute excursions someplace (thank you Grandpa!), reading, crosswords and simply enjoying the natural beauty the State of Michigan has to offer. Oh and work.

My grandparents have lived around the same area in Lenawee County for their entire lives. Grandma retired from Klein Tools a few years ago after a lengthy tour of duty with them. Of all my relatives I get my sense of humor from, it has to be from her (not sure who else it would be as no one else even comes close as being funny). Standing a little over 5' 4-5'5" she is a little feisty and once in a while, has some weird dialect thrown into her speech, despite being born and raised in Michigan. For example, take the word house; she pronounces it "howse" with emphasis on the "ou" part (something to remember as you are reading).

Grandma has been married to Grandpa for fifty-one years this year. I cannot vouch that it has been a happy fifty-one years, but I do know they complement each other well. The saying opposites attract? Yeah that is so my grandparents.

Grandpa is also retired having spent most of his life as an automobile mechanic and owner of his own business. He essentially got out when the things on cars started becoming computerized because "it is too damned complicated" and "because I am too old to learn anything that involves computers." I cannot state for sure but I also think auto shops screwing their customers over was a minute part of it as well. Grandpa always treated his customers with the principles of respect and honesty, never railroading a client into buying something he or she did not need. As of this juncture in time, they continue to reside on their farm, complete with cows, chickens and cats. Sometimes it can be quite the circus.

Carol my aunt, lives just to the back of my grandparents with her boyfriend Chris. Sometimes Carol is referred to as "Cootie" throughout this book and Chris is "that damn Chris!" Any other characters along the way will be introduced at that time.

This book would not be made possible without the love and support of my friends and family. Huge thank you goes out to my grandparents John and Willodean as well as my best friend Pam and my counselor Margaret both of whom planted a seed in my head and gave me that extra push to sit down and make this become a reality. Margaret, thank you also for introducing me to the website smashwords.com. Thank you Brock and Bella (my furry kids) for putting up with me as I worked on this. Above all, thank you Adonai our God for providing me with many talents and for allowing me to find hidden ones.

Amanda McGauley

May 5, 2013

Willie-isms

She's worse than a bear with a sore ass-a different little saying my grandmother had told me while on the phone with her a short time ago in regards to her sister being miserable.

See anything you can't live without?-Grandma always says this when we go shopping or if I mention to her I am looking at a catalog thinking about buying something I probably do not need. I have to be honest; I have put more stuff away when I have this pop in my head than I can count on two hands. Besides, after you buy it, a few days later you are asking yourself "Why?"

We ain't here to buy for you!-when I was about 15 or 16, we went Xmas shopping in either Adrian or Toledo. Grandpa picked up a nice tool set and mentioned to Grandma that he sure would like to have it however, despite the subtle hint she pretty much told him "We ain't here to buy for you!"

Well shit thee bed Fred!-perhaps Grandma's favorite line coming only second to "That damn John!" Typically uttered when something is clearly not going her way such as getting beat at Scrabble or if she gets the wrong cards dealt in Nickel Nickel.

Now are you going to eat or play cards?-if there was one thing Grandma hates it is when you are holding up a game of any kind (not just cards) by eating rather than paying attention.

I am sittin' here twiddlin'ma cards-the only person I know who can beat the four suit Spider solitaire game is Grandma Willie. I have tried numerous times and still have yet to accomplish that feat. Prior to her computer up and croaking, she used to play (or twiddle) this game all the time.

Guess I will sit here and beat ma cheese-Grandma is not only a world class card twiddler; she is also a world class paprika cheese beater.That cheese is some of the best damn cheese I have eaten. Despite not celebrating the typical Christian holidays, I do look forward to Xmas time just so I can have some of this. And I would rather she beat (versus cut) the cheese.

That damn John!-no matter how hard Grandpa tries, he still gets cursed out, especially if he does something not to Grandma's liking. Also goes in conjunction with "That damn Chris!" later on.

What the hell did you do? Pull your flap down?-my grandparents do not own a cell phone even in 2013; they simply have no desire for it. So, when I call and get cut off because of poor reception, I have effectively pulled my flap down.

Well Jeezus Jenny!-another well used phrase by my Grandma; usually stated when she cannot hardly believe one of her relatives did something completely opposite as to what she would expect or if whatever it is, really does not add up.

Hims a shitty kitty-shitty, kitty also known as a cat who clearly shits-A LOT. A few winters ago, Grandma made some potato soup and fed the broth to the outside cats. All fine and well until the cat has to relieve himself, which is what happened when Chris picked it up. Shitty kitty alright, down the front of Chris. "Now we really have a shitty kitty."

I hate tax time; it makes me grouchy-yeah me too especially when I wait until the last possible minute to get my shit around so I can file them. Each year, I say "I will do better at organizing." I am good up until about a week later when I decide to screw it.

Did ya learn anything?-again, uttered when Grandma cannot believe one of us has done something so stupid. Like sit in poison ivy, not that I know anyone who actually did that.

Well isn't that tough shit?-too bad so sad.

I upset ma wheelbarrow-when I was a kid, I had no idea there were other meanings to the word "upset." For the longest time, I could not figure out how an inanimate object could get mad, thus not sure how Grandma caused a wheelbarrow to be irate. As I got older, I finally questioned it. She was like, "You don't know what upset means?" Nope other than you are either crying or pissed someone off.

I'll be damned; I burnt up ma presser!-if there is one thing Grandma enjoys, its ironing, at least until something happens to the 'presser.' If you have to replace it, do not get her a Black and Decker...

Bad luck to turn around and go back-needs no explanation.

You have four-wheel drive; you can go ANYWHERE-here in Michigan, our weather is very unpredictable, even in the spring time. When we get a foot of snow, out comes the four-wheel drive to get to our destination. Because we both own four-wheel drives, Grandma seems to think we are immune to the traveling problems of the common folk who do not have it. Yes it is nice, but does not work well when there is ice. And sadly, the adventures of Jimmy Brock and I came to an end as of June 26, 2015. Left me stranded at a patient's home for two hours; no joke the second the odometer hit 239,000 miles, the alternator went to hell. So, no more 4-wheel drive for me. I ended up getting a 2013 Ford Fusion, which I love seems it does not use a lot of petrol. No idea how it will handle in the snow; as far as I am concerned winter can bypass us all together from here on out.

I'll be damned! That looked like Carol!-famous words uttered as Gramps made a U-turn on Forrister Road, resulting in the beloved burgundy Park Avenue almost getting totaled out.

I don't need any more full houses! I always have a full house!-never fails, this is what she always rolls when we play Yahtzee. No four of a kind, no Yahtzees, but full houses and A LOT of them.

Oh you got money!-Just because I am a nurse, does not mean I have money. I have to work and pay bills just like everyone else.

See that box of pen-quins (her version of penguins)? That is going to be yours after I die-I have to explain the penguin thing here as to not confuse everyone later on. Back in the day, Grandma used to have a penguin night shirt she wore all the time (favorite? Maybe). She was never going to part with it even after it got to the point of being threadbare, however, one Xmas, she had bought me a nightgown that had been delayed in its arrival so on the note, she wrote, "Since yours is not here, I will let you borrow mine (the penguin one)." I made a joke out of it telling everyone she needs more penguins to make up for the one she lost by giving me this nightgown. Year after year, it was the gift that indeed kept right on giving-penguin this, penguin that. As a result of the frequent penguin giving and thanks to my brilliant ideas, I get to have ALL the penquins she has accumulated over the years. I have to admit, they are cute, especially the babies.

No more damn penquins!-enough said.

Do you want me to drop you off at the cemetery?-when I was about 13 years old, my sisters, brothers and mom went into Adrian with Grandma on a Friday night. On the way back to her house, one of us kids (as well as my mom) were being obnoxious. Fed up with it, she threatened to drop us off at the East Rome Cemetery, in the DARK. After I bought my aforementioned newer vehicle, I took my mom and grandparents to visit my new niece Lucy and guess what we drove by? That cemetery! The first thing Grandma asked was, "Do you remember me threatening to drop you guys off there?" I responded yes and it just so happened at that same time, she was giving Grandpa hell about something. I in turn stated, "Now straighten up! I'll drop y'all off at this cemetery!" Sometimes, karma is a bitch.

Now straighten up!-behave.

Sexy rexy-grandma used to say this all the time when I was a kid. Must be I became as ugly as a mud fence when I got older.

Git 'er some hairball medicine!-I have a Maine coon who will not let me get within five inches of her with a hairbrush. No brush results in hairballs. I was on the phone with Grandma one day and was telling her about it when she mentioned the aforementioned quote. In an ideal world-I can't even get my cats to take regular medicine let alone hairball medicine.

I don't know why Chris has mittens on-back in the middle of December 2012 Michigan had a slight heat wave. I had called down to my grandparents like I normally do when Grandma was telling me all about how Chris had on mittens-when it was near 50F! A short time later, Chris and Grandpa came in the house, only to warm Grandpa's hands up because they were "cold." I wonder if he even offered the mittens...

We kept goin and goin and goin and gettin slower and slower and slower; I turned around and seen gramps fence strung as tight as she'd go!-Grandma always has some hilarious tales to tell about her and the neighbor guy. This happened to be one of them I will never forget especially after the way she was telling it. Apparently, both of them had gone back in the woods for some reason (I really do not know) and on the way back they got hung up in the high tensile fence for the cattle. All I told her was, "That will teach you for going back in the woods with some strange man who is not your husband!"

After grandpa fell out of bed: What the hell you doin down there? Gramps: I fell outta bed, what does it look like I am doing?

Our cows seem to go over to the neighbors an awful lot-if the cows get out, they go over to the lady nicknamed the "Dog catcher." How they get there without being hit or something I do not know.

That damn Chris!-stated when John is nowhere nearby or when Chris does not do something to grandma's liking.

Oh God, here comes Cootie-Carol's here!

You know where you go for lying-I do not like liars; I do not know of anyone who truly does, but if you get caught in one with Grandma, she will give you the fire and brimstone speech.

Grandpa is going to marry a redhead after I am gone-for some reason, Grandma seems to think Grandpa has a thing for redheads. Maybe he does, maybe he doesn't. Again I do not really know. Truthfully, she probably says it to get a rise out of him in more ways than one.

If you cannot say anything nice, come sit next to grandma-no comment.

Who's grandma's girl?-I have been told I am but I hardly think so.

You laugh at the dumbest shit-yes but only because you are telling it to me. What do you want me to do? Cry? Remember, I inherited your sense of humor.

I got more damn problems than six people need to have-typically said when there are multiple things going on and she cannot keep ahead of it all.

You made your bed, lie in it-tough shit.

If you aren't going to finish it, don't bother to even start it-Grandma hates, hates, HATES things that are started and fail to go on to be finished. She has a point though, if you have no intent on completing it, don't even start. I am the same way especially when it comes to the game Words with Friends. Nothing irks me more than having someone resign that game.

Don't be so ornery-as told to people who seem to be ornery (I could name a few). Life is too short to be taken seriously.

Ugh, I got the damn Q!-Grandma is a Scrabble queen, except when it comes to getting the Q. Really who wants that letter? Can't spell much with it but it does make some nice triple word scores I have found out.

Ya got yer earplugs on?-a short time ago, Grandpa got hearing aids for both ears, he still trying to figure out how to operate them correctly. One day in 2012, Grandma asked if he had his earplugs on, probably to make sure he could hear her.

Grandpa had to go in and get his earplugs fixed-apparently the hearing aids aren't working like they should so, Gramps had to go get them fixed (although I am sure he was silently rejoicing that they had malfunctioned and indeed acted like earplugs).

Get your mildy mitts off it-do not touch.

That little woman (Ginny Weedon) reminds me of Barb-truth time. I used to go down to my grandparents every Friday night as a kid. Around 10pm or so, a show called Picket Fences came on- Grandma was hooked, I on the other hand, didn't care for it at the time. After a few Fridays, I realized I was not going to win the battle in changing channels so I started watching it with her; needless to say, it grew on me and to this day, 21 years after its debut, I consider myself to be a huge PF junkie. Anyways, there was a short little dispatcher played by Zelda Rubenstein who really did look like my great aunt. To this day, when I see her, I secretly laugh. Later on around season 3, they killed that character off-more on that later.

We have to rush home to watch Picket Fences-all these years later, I cannot figure out why she went to town so late at night to get a few things only to rush home so we would not miss Picket Fences. I asked her a short time ago and even she can't tell me. Perhaps it was the thrill of speeding? Although she did admit it was kinda dumb to be home by 8pm after she came and picked me up from Stockbridge.

That pissed me off-oops.

Mighten ya?-mighten I what?

Might awt to do that-do what?

I call her Verda-my best friend and I have silly pet names for each other; I call her Veda and she calls me Hootie. I was telling Grandma that a while ago-she asked me what was wrong with Verda or where did Verda go? Let me also add Velva to this list as well.

I think we blew a fuse-holiday tradition at the Scotts. Plugging and unplugging Xmas lights until an entire fuse is blown.

Are you piecing?-bad idea to eat before a meal, you will spoil your supper.

For what?-needs no explanation.

I cannot believe they killed that little woman off in Picket Fences!-it is pretty clear aside from Tom Skerritt, Grandma's favorite PF character was Ginny Weedon. Yes, the writers killed her off by having her tumble in a freezer while reaching for some peas; she thought the entire world had come to an end when it happened.

Ann Baker's cracker box-I used to work with Ann at the hospital a long time ago. Until recently, I had no idea my grandparents were acquaintances with her. Ann's daughter had a son about seven years ago and this his nickname given due to him being short and stout.

Now who did that to those blinds?-made them extremely crooked.

Are you going to check yer pants there Charlie?-asked of Gramps just before going to town. Probably a good thing she asked- his fly was undone with whitey tighties sticking out.

This is my goin to town poose. This is my goin to Carol's/Deb's house poose. This is my goin to work poose-purse fetish?

Have some wheeeat crackers!-Grandma always emphasizes the WH.

Let's go see Carol's cracker box house!-Carol used to live in a house smaller than mine, thus the nickname, the Cracker Box.

Don't make mountains out of molehills-easy enough.

Over on Romer Road-for the longest time, I thought that was what she was saying; it isn't-its Rome Road. Ironically, there is also a Rome Road in Rome, Wisconsin, the place where Grandma's and my favorite television show, Picket Fences was set.

Must belong to some rich bitches-she says that all the time when she sees something extravagant. Although, with that new Jeep Cherokee of hers, she is running with this crowd...

Did I say you could get in there?-do not get into the part of the hutch that has candy without asking.

Shit or get off the pot-hop to it.

Need ma beauty rest-me too.

I'm not sleeping; I'm restin ma eyes-so she says. Famous last words while watching Picket Fences.

You're full of shit!-you lie! Know where you go for that!

Ol' Ronnie-her neighbor guy's nickname.

Oh get off it!-give me a break!

If you can't listen, don't foller along!-not nice to jump in the middle of a conversation when you have no idea what they are talking about to begin with.

You have to foller suit-no cheating in this card game.

Damn bees!

Well we do live further south than what you do-sometimes I call my grandparents to see how the weather is down their way, razz them a little telling them it is nice and warm up here despite being -10F with the wind blowing. Most of the time, it is equivalent to what is here in Lansing, others, not so much. If anything, it can be a tad warmer 70 miles south, but they also get nasty snowstorms thanks to the topography of the land.

Lordy be, lordy be-another one of Grandma's favorite sayings. Not sure why.

Whatever will be, will be-if it were meant to be, it will, if not, it won't.

I have lived in this house 25 years, ain't never had no mouse in ma house!-during the course of living with my grandparents (2002-2005), there was one winter where an errant mouse was running through the house. I tried to tell her she had one; needless to say, she didn't believe me. So, one night while gathered around the television, my second cousin also happened to see the mysterious mouse and so did Grandma and Grandpa. First time for everything!

Gotta get ma noightdress on so I can watch Picket Fences-probably so she can fall asleep on the couch easier?

Ya pack yer grip?-did you bring a suitcase?

The Millers are here!-making the Millers presence known.

Shit can it-throw the damn thing away!

Ilene over and kiss your ass-both my paternal grandma and my maternal great aunt's middle names are Ilene. When my grandma says it, she always says, I lean over and kiss yer ass.

Ya on yer granny?-I always hated changing my underwear while I was at the grandparents, especially if my menstrual cycle started made an unexpected visit and left a stain. Then it would be 50 questions. No really Grandma, it is perfectly normal for a teenage girl to have her period.

Goddamnit!-needs little to no explanation.

Ya fall off the turnip wagon?-while my grandparents are far from being stupid, they sure can play the buffoon on purpose. So, if either one of them does something one would deem dumb, they have fallen off the turnip wagon. This saying has also been around a while, demonstrating the difference between the simple country folk and their more sophisticated city dweller counterparts. Made popular by the late Johnny Carson.

After I explained to her why I do not buy a brand new car-What did you do? Wreck it?-Back in November 2012, I had to take my truck back to the Ford dealer to have the overdrive light looked at as it kept blinking on and off despite a new transmission the year before. The car I was given in its place was so Star Trek; it had more computer stuff than my smartphone and it took me two days to try and figure out how to work all of it. Remember I said Gramps got out of cars because of them being computerized? I see why now. And I grew up with computers.

I turned these curtains 1500 times; Gloria comes over and turns them one more time and I'll be damned if she didn't get 'em the way they were supposed to go!-Shortly after Carol moved into her house behind my grandparents, she opted to put some very complicated curtains up in her windows. My Grandma turned them 1500 times and still did not get them how they were supposed to be. Eight years later I am still trying to figure out what kind of curtains they were and laugh at the notion of having a "curtain turnin' party" (which I have had once).

People are dumb where we come from-sure my grandparents are from a rural area in Michigan, however, just because they are, does not mean they are stupid. Now, when someone within their neighborhood does something along those lines that is a whole other story.

She rattles on like a duck's ass-my sister, God bless her, loves to talk on the phone. Sometimes though, she gets carried away and the once simple conversation has now become a convoluted mess, thus "rattling on like a duck's ass."

Maybe he's got a fart crossways-usually stated when someone is noted to be extremely crabby or full of gas.

I can't believe Mandy paid $50 for a dinner. Why? So she could just shit it out?-ok, I admit, I do on occasion splurge when it comes to going out to dinner with Pam. This past winter, we made a last minute dash to Chicago and went to Bubba Gump Shrimp (in my best Forrest Gump impersonation) where yes, I spent $50 on dinner. I did it not so much to shit it out, but because you only live once.

After Ron, her neighbor gives her a wet Willie: Oh Ron! You better stop! You're making something else wet!-like myself, Grandma is a Scorpio; all we think about is anything sexual in nature or make something normal a little more racy. Not sure if I get my badness from her or my birth sign. By the way Grandma, too much information!!!

The sheriff (pronounced sure-if) just went by my house!-not sure about you, but I would rather have him go by than stop in. The city police go by my house all the time and I do not get bent out of shape about it. Now if, they pulled in the drive that would be a whole other ball game.

You two stick your necks out like a bunch of ducks-yeah I guess my sister Liz and I do

Thumbing through the Meijer ad while on the phone with me: Meijers has a sale on Herb chicken.

Me: If there is a Herb Chicken, is there also a Charlie Chicken?

Why is the H silent in herb but not Herb? Shouldn't Herbert be technically pronounced "er-bert?"

Gonna sit here and drink ma tea-besides coffee, tea is the next best thing to drink if you are my grandparents. It really does not get any better than sun brewed over ice.

That's Carol's tea glass-and somehow, I managed to have it in my own home. When I see this glass emblazoned with flowers, all I think of is all the summers spent with my grandparents and either Carol or Grandma drinking out of this glass while sitting on the front steps. The glass was filled to the top with that sun brewed tea and chilled with ice cubes.

Now which cup is mine? Yours?-never fails; you get six coffee cups on the table and you lose track of which one belongs to whom. Nine times out of ten, someone is going to end up with a mug that is not theirs.

Puttin' on me shews-Grandma has always called shoes, "shews." And it is hilarious how she says it too.

You sound real intelligent using those vulgar words (F***this,F*** that)-yeah not so much. If you want to really look like a horse's ass, use these in front of my grandma. Bet you won't do it again.

Oh I don't know about that-me either. Burn the bridge when we get there?

Oriole!-my grandparents used to have a dog they acquired from us when it was a puppy a long time ago. Genius here fed him before he left our house because I did not want him to starve being a puppy and all. Big mistake as he puked all over the inside of Grandma's car. Because he had some black and white in his fur, I suggested (at the ripe age of 6 or 7) to name him Oreo. O-R-E-O like the cookie. When Grandma called for him, it came out "Oriole" like the bird.

After trying to get ones attention: BillCarolLisaJeffDebLizGreg then finally the person initially summoned is called.

Yes I's at ma house-I have no idea how all that started but every time I call down to Grandma, I always ask if she's at her howse. This is the reply almost always given. Once in a great while, if she is feeling snarky, she will tell me she's in the barn (which has no phone).

When I was in either the third or fourth grade, we had to write a story on things our grandparents collect. Asking this very question, my Grandma replied deadpan: I collect dust.

Wendy (my niece) told her dad they needed to stop by the Wendy's Restaurant the other day on the way home from town so she could check on her workers.

Go play in the crick-used to spend all the time down there growing up. Truth be known, she probably sent my cousins and I down there so we were out of her hair (or so her and Gramps had some alone adult time).

If you do not straighten up, we are leaving you here in the reptile house-when I was about 7, my whole family and I went to the Toledo Zoo to go see their new pandas. To get to where the panda bears were, you had to go through the reptile house; for someone who is absolutely petrified of snakes, this is not a great idea to begin with. The only thing I recall about this trip aside from her saying they would leave me there was me throwing a fit outside the doors with the hopes this would deter them from making me go in there. In reality, it only made the trip through the reptile house that much worse as grandma pointed to the snakes and asked if it would not be great if I could stay in there with them.

There is a pin (pen) in the junk drawer if you really feel you need one.

After taking them on a last minute railfanning trip on the way home from a wedding: I really do not see what you see in watching trains go by.

We went to a funeral today. Would you believe that the pants I bought Grandpa not even two years ago don't even fit him anymore? It's not like they went to the dry cleaner. His tailor made shirts either; they refuse to go around his kitchen made belly-Grandma seems to think Grandpa is fat.

Annie I over!-when my cousins and I were kids, we used to play this all summer long. Essentially what Annie I over is is a game where you throw a ball over a building (in our case, it was the little brown shed) and catch it three times. After the ball is caught the required amount, you go around the building and try to tag people on the other team and have them be on your side. The game commences once everyone is all on the same team.

You're a nurse; you should know-by default, anything medical related automatically gets addressed to me. In doing so, Grandma thinks whatever question she has, I should know the answer to it, I mean I am a nurse after all. While I know lots about medical stuff, I do not know all of it, especially if it is outside of orthopedics.

Your neighbor lady just needs to tend to her own knittin'-just last Tuesday, I finally decided to break down and have something done with my driveway. When I took up residence here eight years ago, the driveway was all gravel. In the beginning it was fine, but after about five years, the whole thing started to deteriorate. Prior to a week ago, I was using four-wheel drive to get up and over the holes they were so deep. Enough was enough after having to engage it multiple times a day. I had thought about replacing the original stone but opted against it only because something more permanent would A) last longer and B) pay for itself down the road. This being said, I had my driveway cemented. All while the concrete crew was out tearing out the old and excavating the way for the new, I fully anticipated my extremely nosy and oppressive neighbor to come over and read me the riot act. I only mention this because about five years ago, I had mentioned in a sidebar conversation with her I wanted to do something different with the drive either pave or cement. The lady went off on a tangent telling me that neither of those things where "good for the environment" and "why don't you just leave it like it is?" Once the cement was poured I was waiting for history to repeat itself. I had called Grandma to let her know I finally decided to do it and that I was waiting for Lynne to march over here and tell me what a disservice I did to the environment. It was then Grandma told me the aforementioned quote and that she (Lynne) needs to keep her negativity out of my positive environment as all she does is come over and complain about anything and everything. While I thought I had gotten off the hook that day, later on during the same week she did come over and she did start in about the driveway. Until you pay my mortgage or taxes, butt out and tend to your own knittin' on the west side of the street. That also goes for trying to make people feel oppressed.

For the second year in a row, we got ants-I am not sure but I thought it was more than two years? For a spell, it seemed like every summer. Now they are at my house and I can't get rid of them.

Stop being such a piss ant-whatever that is.

Have some cheese fingers-to this day I am not entirely sure why she calls Cheetos cheese fingers. When I hear that, it makes me think of fingers dripping in cheese.

Hims waiting for Christmas-what was said of Chris when he was taking too damn long to make a decision about which card to play.

I'd hate to have a last name of Hancock-the only reason I think Grandma says this is because of the potential perverted aspect of it?

Gotta make hay while the sun shines-in other words, get your ass outside and do something productive while it is nice out.

John and Willie: we sound like a bunch of queers.

Those snakes are out sunnin' themselves on the cement-gross!

I haven't felt that good in years-one weekend about fourteen years ago, my dad, one of my sisters and I went to a place not too far down the road from my grandparents to look at (and hopefully buy) a better car for me. Under any normal circumstance, my grandparents were usually up out of bed at the ass crack of dawn even on Saturday. Knowing this, we all decided seems how we were near their house, we would drop in. After about ten minutes of knocking, Grandma finally comes to the door in her noightdress and pushes up her hair in the back saying, "I haven't felt that good in years!" Um...did we disturb something?

Your truck has air conditioning; why don't you use it? It does not cost any more to run it than it does having the windows down-because I am a cheapskate and I prefer el natural to a musty air conditioner. Besides, it can trigger a headache.

You look like a frump after getting dressed like that-change your clothes. You are not going to be seen like that in town with me. Thankfully she didn't go to town with me this morning. She would have crawled under a rock.

It's all wilty-I really hope you are talking about flowers or lettuce and not something else.

Never trust me with a camera; flash cubes or otherwise. I always seem to cut people's heads off when I take pictures-that's the truth.

Oh it's all in your head!-any physical ailment you have has now turned into a mental case. You really do not have whatever it is wrong with you.

That refrigerator smells like fart-well let's see, if I had egg or macaroni salad sitting in there, I probably would smell like fart too.

You turd.

Pinney's-another name for J. C. Penney's.

Listen listen! The cat's a' pissin! Where? Where? Under the chair! Run! Run! Git the gun! Aww shit he's all done!-this by far is perhaps my first encounter with profanity growing up. Grandma taught us this at a very young age and of course, seems how kids like to mock adults; I decided one day to say it at school. Yeah, not so cool when you have to stay in for recess then explain to your parents why you didn't get to go outside. I also believe that was the first time I ever got grounded or put in a corner for punishment.

Why don't you like the heel of the bread?-I just don't. It is typically dry and very small. Besides, who likes to eat the butt of anything?

A-Dorothy-not Dorothy. A-Dorothy.

We love to ride in grandma's car. She never knows just where we are-no comment

I never try to plan ahead. I do and something almost always happens-same here. Which is why I like last minute things.

Something smells like cat shit.

He was a more than just a goin'-usually said about a child who recently found out they can walk or crawl. Good luck catching up.

Deedle deedle deedle-I am assuming this is some sort of song Grandma sings now and again. I honestly do not even know if deedle is really a word.

Is that your friend you don't like?-A while ago, one of my second cousins had a classmate who lived a hop, skip and a jump from where she did. They rode the same bus as well.

Kayce referred to her as her "friend she doesn't like." How can they be your said friend then?

I swear you wait to take a shit at my house so you can plug up the toilet. Don't you ever go at home?-It is true. On occasion, I do dump a load in my grandparents' toilet only to stop it up. Yes I do go at my house, but seems how my bowels are very irregular, who knows when that last time may have been-it could have been a day ago or a week ago. Besides, maybe I do this just to irritate you ha ha and listen to you as you look for the plunger.

Country and western music-not country music, but country and western. What exactly does that mean anyways? Some archaic term for music I grew up on I suppose.

Bubble butt-someone who has a butt that sticks out more than what normal people should.

What is this 'mole'?-for my 30th birthday, we went to El Azteco to celebrate. My grandparents like to share a meal because it is cheaper (Pam and I also do the same now). Before settling in on one thing, Grandma had to ask what mole was. I sarcastically responded, "It is this ugly little thing that makes mounds in the yard."

The gingham dog and calico cat-for some reason I do not really know, my grandma is still seeking out this book from her childhood. If anyone knows where we can get it let me know.

Cream rinse-another name for hair conditioner.

You walk like you have a cob up your ass-said to one someone is not walking like they should. In nursing, we just call this an antalgic gait; after my pilonidial cystectomy on my 38th birthday (2018), I looked like I had a cob up my ass. 3 weeks and umpteen boxes of gauze later, I still do.

Why don't you get yer ass over here?-do not just sit there, you could at least help.

Going to dispose of some field mice-with field mice being the code for "I have to take a shit." To be included in this is dropping some frogs in the pond.

Go cat go-where is it going to go to? Under the chair to take a piss?

The marshmallow-a long, long time ago, Carol or someone had a camper that was once kept in the grandparents' yard. Sometimes, if it happened to be at their house during the summer, us cousins would spend the night out in it. One day, while coming home from a dentist appointment, Grandma, Mom, Liz and I came back to it up in flames. The only thing salvageable was this cushion that is now affectionately referred to as the marshmallow. No idea why; its oblong, has some retro green fabric and looks nothing like a marshmallow. Either way, works great for when they come up to stay at my house.

Why don't you wear tight pants? Show off that ass!-here is why I do not wear tight fittin' jeans (or any other garment that constricts me): I DO NOT LIKE FEELING RESTRAINED! Nor do I like the sensation of having my abdomen be cut in two when I bend over.

Coupon shears/shears-another fancy word for scissors. Although, Grandma did have some coupon shears once; they were silver. By the way, do not let her cut your bangs-they will be crooked.

You act like your dad-funny as we get older we act like people we don't want to as we are growing up.

Me not know-me either.

Don't put all your eggs in one basket-not a good idea to keep everything in one spot. Diversify I think is the word she told me when I wanted to call and have some insurance stuff moved over with one broker. If a company goes down, there also goes your hard earned money.

I think you eat because you are bored-funny, I was just eating and funny, I was feeling rather bored until I decided to work on this book again.

Dust of dawn light-As previously stated, Grandma is a self-proclaimed collector of dust. Apparently, there now is a light for that comes on (or turns off) at dawn. What I really think she means is dusk to dawn light. Lord knows they had about four of them one time.

It's all urine pee pee-urine is another name for pee. I missed something with this one.

You don't need that anymore than the man in the moon-very similar to "Do you see something you can't live without?"

I always park in E-said when she goes to town, namely Meijer or Walmart. Really she does not just park in E, I have seen her park in C, B and F on occasion.

The McGulleys-no joke for the last 35 years, this is how she pronounces my last name.

Damn flies!

Yaaahh!!-said as she hits the bathroom door to scare the shit or piss out of you.

You can't love anyone else unless you love yourself first-that...is very true.

Planners Peeners-another name for Planter's Peanuts.

You don't need any more shirts-it is true; I do not.

You know, it is illegal to "peddle" yer ass around town-rather than riding your bike, Grandma calls it peddling, which yes, in most municipalities is illegal.

That guy, he looks like he has been riding a Honda-in other words, stiff and bowed legged.

'Manda Sue-another name for me.

Cat got that game-no winners, no losers other than the cat.

Cheaters-they never prosper.

Have another cigarette Carol-typically uttered after Carol coughs and coughs and coughs...

Want some gel for your toast?-not jelly, but gel.

People who used to come to the garage thought Gramps was Johnny Cash-this is true. When Grandpa was younger (and even now in some aspects) he really did look like the late, great Country singer.

Don't wish the time away.

Don't ever retire. I did and I regret it-I cannot tell you how many times I have heard this since Grandma did this almost twenty years ago.

Glad rags-in Grandma's vernacular, another term for maxi-pads and tampons.

Tit lamps-apparently there are lights (or lamps) that look like a woman's bosom. I have a few in my house actually (see below).

Titmouses-the plural for titmouse.

Squarsh, warsh-gotta add that hard R to those words.

Cheater button-something that is forbidden during a Spider Solitare game. If it is hit, it makes this alarm sound and then you are officially caught cheating.

That ain't what I asked ya-better give a better answer than the one you just did.

Thelm told me to kiss her ass today; I told her to bend over.

Trade that sucker off!-in other words, get rid of my beloved truck, especially when it has a few hiccups here and there.

We hunted all over Calgary when we were there and we could not find you a Flares jersey-I am thinking it may be because the hockey team is called the Calgary Flames?

How do you do it at the shop?-if you have a job, regardless of what type it is, Grandma still calls it a shop. I for example, work in a hospital setting. No matter, it is still a shop.

You gotta let 'em win once in a while or they won't want to play with you again.

Water water everywhere but not a drop to drink.

Crab cakes-I have to be honest, I love crab rangoons that you get at the Chinese place. Rather than call them what they are, they are deemed crab cakes (which reminds me of crabby patties from Spongebob Squarepants).

The Bread Box-a place that sells all sorts of bread. I do not even know if they are in existence any more.

Prickers-thistles.

Cat milk-growing up, Grandma always had two separate gallons of milk in her refrigerator: one of the humans and one for the cats. I erroneously grabbed the cat milk once and it was horrible! And I thought mine were spoiled...the cats that is

Peanut butter shake-Grandma's favorite type of ice cream.

Bet that made her feel worth about two cents.

Hay mount-also known as a hay mow.

Hot fudge sunduh-hot fudge sundae.

I feel sorry for Sam (my eldest niece) having that fine wiry hair like I do-one thing is for sure, you can tell that Sam is related to Grandma. And myself for that matter seems she looks exactly like I did at her age.

You eat raw hot dogs, you'll get worms-not sure how seems they are cooked somewhat.

Ol' Ronnie thought my name was Wilhelmina.

Get rid of your high cards first-excellent advice when you are twiddling your cards. Especially if you want to win that game.

Rest home-it took me a while to fully understand what Grandma was referring to when she talked about a "rest home." This is another name for what my generation would call a skilled nursing facility or simply a nursing home.

Hey there lady-said when Grandma has not seen you in a very long time.

Slow as molasses in January.

You watch the fire, you'll piss the bed!-no really, watch the fire burn and you will have to change your bedding in the morning.

Oh get off it!

Hit 'er in the ass!-floor whatever is you are driving so you don't cause an accident by pulling out in front of someone.

It's photographer, not phot-o-grapher-Carol clearly has her vocabulary messed up. I had to laugh when she said a short time ago that we were missing our phot-o-grapher. No one really knew what she was talking about.

I will put distilled water in my steam iron. I don't think it will get cancer from being in a plastic bottle. It may rust, but I don't think it will get cancer-in September 2013, we all had the great debate on bottled water and its ability to cause some cancers. True, there have been some studies that have demonstrated heating anything in a plastic container can result in some cancers. Grandma said she never heats up a water bottle just to drink it, rather she plainly does not drink bottled water period. Now her steam iron, that is a different story.

Channel 'leven-also known as WTOL Toledo Ohio Channel 11.

Aunt Millies-pretty much the only kind of bread Grandma will purchase.

Fr—og, f—og-frog and fog drawn out.

Little miss Suzy Homebaker-yeah count me out of this category.

You have to try and keep up your average-and that friends is why bowling is so damn hard!

Pedal pushers-capris.

Did you soak it in some Biz?-supposedly the best way to get rid of any stubborn stain (per Grandma) is to soak that sucker in some Biz. No idea if it works or not.

Courds-Cordoroys.

My God you're fat-no not hardly. Oh wait, she was talking to the cat.

Pokeno!-loved this game as a kid. Wish I knew where to find it now.

That old grandma cat-yes, it is true-my grandparents have an old grandma cat. She has given birth to what seems like a bazillion kittens over the course of a very long time. In fact, at some point, they counted 60 barn cats! And Brock was probably from one of the 200 litters...

Why don't you take a bowel softener?-this last week, I had to make an unexpected trip to the emergency room thanks in part to severe right sided flank pain. The pain was very similar to when I had my last kidney stone attack in 2007. Grandma, being as funny as she is, suggested I take a Dulcolax to help with my kidney stone problem. Does not quite work on the same mechanism as it is kidney and not bowel issues I am having. Although, we really do not know what is going on at this point. CT scan suggested cholecystitis yet all the other tests I have had since then have been negative. What I do know is, I am over this already.

He probably puts a sack of dimes in his pants-I am guessing this is how some men like to give the impression they are well endowed.

To get my attention, Gramps puts a pair of socks in his underwear-I really did not care to know about the size of my grandpa's penis.

Just because she thinks she's so pretty-Grandma says this all the time to the younger kids.

Levi's-no matter what the name brand of your blue jeans are, they are still Levi's.

Brown and serve rolls-I had some today for the first time in I don't know how long. Kinda like this microwave popcorn I am eating.

Don't know why they keep sendin' me this shit on motorized carts. I don't need no Hover-ound!

The Daily Tele-gram-Lenawee County's own newspaper that publishes all the news that is fit to print.

Never be afraid about turning a year older. It is when you stop having birthdays is when there is a problem.

We? Do you have a mouse in yer pocket?

Have that little birdie on yer shoulder?-the one that says "You see anything you can't live without?"

Snowmobile suits-typical Michigan apparel for when it is well below zero outside. Also referred to as snow pants.

Over't beach-over to the beach.

Highland Beach Inn-used to eat here all the time as a kid growing up. It would quite the adventure driving down to the grandparents and picking them up for dinner now and then.

Gramps went to the Indy 500 one year. The bleachers collapsed. Knowing Grandpa, he probably sat there like a bump on a log.

Sputter, sputter Harry Scott-reserved for those who like to complain about every little thing. I guess kind of like my great grandfather did.

She acts like Jim Miller-Jim used to be Carol's husband and boy did he have a temper.

Crack yer ass-either you are going to get your ass beat or if you fall you'll crack it.

My God girl!

I can drink coffee and go right off to bed-that is very true. Grandma drinks about five pots before she goes to bed and she can go off to sleep. Me on the other hand, I would be wound up like an eight day clock.

I would hate to have the last name of Puckett-aside from not wanting a last name of Hancock, I guess we can cross Puckett off the list as well.

Pregnant roller skate-a very old Volkswagen Beetle. Carol used to have one, it was either red or yellow.

Fiddly fart around-in other words, dawdling.

Look what Marma laid-a golden egg?

Every time I hear of Trojans, I think: condoms.

Koooo-tex-yes the maxi pad people.

I laughed so hard, I about pissed ma pants!-well I guess if that happens, we had better send away for a galaxy referral.

You shithead.

Family restaurant-nearly all the places that are dine in along the highway are family restaurants.

Skin flute-penis.

Gas is always cheaper down here-yes, it is. Like thirty cents a gallon cheaper. If Adrian was not so far away I would fill up down there.

Ma eyes are busy-I think this was actually supposed to be dizzy but Kayce (my first cousin once removed) said this when she was about four or five thought Grandma said 'busy.'

Funnier than hell-hmm kinda like you?

Rock-a-dilly red-back in the middle 1980s, there was a Kool-Aid flavor called Rockadile red. Grandma thought it said, Rock-a-dilly red.

If you are going to sit up front while Gramps is driving, you have to stay awake. IF you don't he will reach over and smack you-this is a cardinal rule when riding shotgun when Gramps is driving. You cannot under any circumstances fall asleep.

I do not play Monopoly anymore. Last time I played, I got so pissed off at Greg I threw the board off the table. Damn cheaters anyhow!-it has been almost 25 years and to this day, Grandma has yet to pick up a Monopoly token.

Cuppy coff-Freudian slip for cup of coffee.

Shitty Chevy-I drive a Ford so if you say so...I agree they are shitty. But that is my personal opinion.

That's the trouble: he buys a suit wears it once and that is it-Grandma on why Gramps goes through so many suits.

I know a lady named Imma with the last name Pig. What a name.

Those girls are keeping that restroom hot-On October 25, we went out to eat at a Mexican restaurant for my birthday. Indeed the women's restroom was rather busy.

Double up yer purse John-somehow while we were out for the aforementioned dinner, Gramps ended up with Grandma's purse. She told him to hold on to it. That is like asking him to push a cart-he would not been caught doing that (although we have seen him do it before-at Sam's Club back in 1993 or 1994).

Must be yer going to the movies? I see yer pickin' yer seat-wedgie or really bad poison ivy on your ass.

Pee-destrians-pedestrians.

Dime store-used to shop in these all the time at the Adrian Mall.

Ramblin' wreck-coincides with rattling on like a ducks ass.

Kool car-one of at least four cars Klein Tools sponsored on the Indy Car circuit for about 6 years.

The number 12 car-the first Indy Car sponsored by Klein Tools in 1994 and driven by 1995 Indy 500 Winner Jacques Villeneuve (also referred to by Grandma as "Jacks"). In 1995, the 12 changed to 27 and clearly it was a winning combination (see below pic).

Johnny Jump-up-Grandma's pet name for Grandpa.

Pecker-penis.

Fire barn-another term for where fire trucks are kept. Where I come from we simply call it the fire department.

Baby lotion-what my sister Liz insisted be put on her every time she got out of Grandma's bathtub when we were kids.

Peddle on home-go back home.

Poor farm-what my grandparents refer to as where they live.

Cosmo-Grandma, despite being 78 years old, subscribes to this magazine geared towards my sisters' age groups. All I have to say is: you go Granny!

Odo ban-not Odor Ban. Odo Ban.

Whheel of Fortune-the game show that airs at 730pm on most NBC channels and Grandma's dream game show to be on.

Pointsetta lights-for the longest time, this is what Grandma put on her Xmas tree. Really they are poinsettia lights but she calls them pointsetta lights. And they were the ugliest lights I have ever seen. I think Liz now has possession of them.

Barbie closet-in their real house, there really is a closet that houses Barbie dolls. You open it up and it smells like genuine leather and is a scent you will never forget.

Hermones-no Grandma did not decide to take up speaking Spanish; this is what Kayce calls hormones.

Not supposed to carry a shovel through the house. Someone in the family will die if you do-no idea if there is any truth to this but I still refrain from participating in this action just in case.

True stories-aside from reading Cosmo and AARP, Grandma loves reading True Stories-essentially pornography that is written in a magazine format. At her real house, the toddler potty chair used to be stacked with them. Good bathroom material for sure (and no, I never read it nor have I ever gotten into other people's drama).

Don't sit so close to the television. Your eyes will go bad-again, not sure there is any truth to this old wives tale or not. Either way, growing up, none of us ever sat close to the tv set.

Horrorscope-horoscope.

Don't cry over spilt milk-in other words, there are bigger things to cry over.

Must be a non-union member cut it-in 2005 or 2006, my grandparents and I went down to the yearly celebration in Lansing called Silver Bells in the City. Aside from putting on one hell of an electric light parade, this is also the time when the state Xmas tree is officially lit. Of course the time we went down, the state tree was leaning to one side.

Sam's-store where many many times, we would be dropped off to go to Grandma's house for the weekend as kids.

Popcorn and peanut butter fudge-aside from peanut butter shakes, one of Grandma's favorite snacks.

Faygo cream soda-Grandma's favorite pop.

Brandy slush-favorite alcoholic drink during the holiday season. This was also my first sip of true alcohol at a very young age one New Year's Eve. I think maybe I was 12 or 13; either way, don't remember much of that night.

Right church, wrong pew.

You rake the yard like you are sweeping the floor-I honestly don't know how else to rake the yard.

My potatoes boiled dry. Must be it is going to rain.

You need to put some love into it. That is why it does not taste like mine-ever since I have been on my own these last eight years, I try really hard to make some of Grandma's dinners and despite this, they never taste the same. Perhaps it is because I do not love to cook.

Butter pee-can-butter pecan ice cream.

U-truss-Grandma's word for uterus.

John you're wound up in the cord-it is true. 2013 and my grandparents still have a phone that plugs into the wall with a cord.

She may have been as ugly as a fence post for all we know-said of someone who is well, pretty much homely as a mud fence.

I brought you your long tined fork-yes I love to eat with a long tined fork.

Grandpa hates plastic silverware.

Probably 49 of them aren't any good-I mentioned to Grandma that I really did write a book on her sayings and that was the response I got out of her.

The Bi-county Herald-another one of Grandma's newspapers.

After my sister and I attempted to make gravy for Thanksgiving 2013: They didn't have the gravy on boil. It was no wonder it was not as thick as cement-that is why I do not cook..

Fairy park-any roadside park. When I was younger I used to think that Tinkerbell fairies lived in the trees. The truth of the matter is, this is where homosexuals hang out according to Grandma.

It is colder than a witch's titty in a brass bra-super super cold. Cold enough your eyes will freeze open (like mine) and your nose hair freezes.

Grandma Carol-what Grandma refers to Carol as when she sends her great grandkids to her. Kayce used to call Carol's working at the fair "Mumma Carol's Ferris Wheel."

We got more Liz's and Amandas-almost all my second cousins are either dating or have married either a Liz or an Amanda.

Y'aint nice.

Bath and body-also known as Bath and Body Works.

Church windows-one of the few handful of candies Carol makes around Xmas time. Chocolate with marshmallows. Yum.

Carol's cat shit in her plant-I guess if I were left home for a long period of time like that, I probably would shit in her plant too, just to show her I am pissed.

Don't open up the oven, the cake will fall-as a kid I cannot tell you how many times I was so tempted to do this! No idea if it really falls or not; where would it fall to?

Didn't I tell you if there wasn't any water going through your pipes eventually it would cause plumbing problems?-Twice in the last eight years I have had an issue with my sewer system backing up. First time around it was the result of a tree root growing somewhere out near the street. The second time, per the plumber, yes, the occlusion was the result of my failing to have water constantly going through the system (and I am sure my intermittent waiting to flush the toilet didn't help either with ALL that paper in it). So now, I try (TRY being the operative word) to have water somehow go through the pipes most of the time. That was a rather expensive lesson to learn.

Busier than a cat covering shit-I cannot say for certain that this is something Grandma has said (maybe I have heard it once or twice from her) but this is more along the lines of a late aunt saying (although she had to pick it up somewhere right?)

Except in Brock's case, both he and Bella are too lazy to even think about covering their shit.

Tough titty said the kitty-while we are on the subject of cats...this is an idiom analogous to tough shit.

Dad-what Grandma affectionately calls Grandpa. Affectionately being the operative word (aka "I'm not mad at him").

Mittens-one of my grandparents' house cats who used to meow incessantly at the top of the basement stairs. Grandma always said she howled like that because she was deaf.

Gimp-another one of the grandparents cats; poor dear-had a messed up paw and literally gimped around.

It'll all come out in the warsh-whatever is going on now, usually there is a bright spot at the end of the dark ass rainbow.

Big wheels-again with an emphasis on that wh; toys that my cousins and I used to ride around for hours and hours on Grandma's cement. One time, we were feeling really brave and thought it would be cool to pretend we were using a paddle boat so we took these down to the creek (crick). Sure the big wheels floated, but in the end all we got were leeches Grandpa had to remove with his jackknife. I heard she threw them out.

It's hell getting old.

Hay chaf-the little teeny tiny pieces of hay that comes out of out of a hay wagon. Takes days to get rid of it completely.

Chaf your legs-this is what happens when you fail to wear long pants when baling hay because yes, not only does the hay chaf cause a problem but so does the rough edges of a hay bale.

Christmas club-it actually isn't a club at all rather; it is a booklet that you make payments on weekly or biweekly for the holiday. Not sure if they even do these anymore.

You should always have two sets of clothes and medications in case you get stranded-good advice especially if you are traveling very far from home.

When the New Year rolls around, change out the ledger in your checkbook.

Now, on New Year's Eve, take a bath with your money so you have some coming in the New Year-I have done this many times and have yet to hit a so called jackpot...

You got time to go and come back.

Noooooooo.

I only bought it because it had fo—og lamps-Grandma's reasoning for why she bought a Chevy Tahoe sitting on the side of the road. That was it, really. Grandpa can't get into or out of it all that well that much is known.

Where's ol' Verda at?-Grandma inquiring where Pam was for my mom's side of the family Xmas party this year.

I have gone through two Stir Crazies. My one with the clear globe died today while I was making popcorn balls.

Ya get what ya pay for-indeed that is true.

Bayer ass-burn-Not Bayer aspirin but Bayer assburn. Grandma swears this is the only type of medication that will cure any ailment although if it burns my ass then forget it.

Hellooooo-how Grandma answers the telephone.

Bon bons-some sort of candy Grandma used to buy way back when around Xmas time. I have not seen them in a very long time and not sure they even make them anymore.

Sweet pickles/refrigerator pickles-got sick on the sweet pickles when I was five; had one too many at Thanksgiving and ended up puking in my mom's Buick. As for the others, love them when they are made.

Vinegar rag-no this is not a new rendition of a maxi pad or a tampon; rather it is a home remedy for a nighttime cough. My youngest brother Johnny swears by it. I myself have never used one-I think the stench alone is enough to make you ill.

Kinlin wood-what Grandma prefers to use when she starts a fire; also known as kiln.

I have to sit by the wood; Carol'll probably fall over it-Sorry Cootie, you do not get to set next to the wood pile.

He he he he-how Grandma laughs. Once she gets started, she may as well fall off the chair from laughing so hard.

Yer arm ain't broke-in other words, there is no reason why you cannot get up off your ass and get whatever is you want yourself.

Masha-the name of Grandma's hairdresser; actually it is Marsha.

You'd pull the wool over ma eyes and I wouldn't even know it-for the record, on December 25, 2013 I for once beat Grandma at a game of Scrabble. Over the course of the last few years anyway, I have become an expert Words with Friends player so I am sure that worked to my advantage. So when I tried to play words I typically play when I do the other game, Grandma was not having any of it. None. In fact, at one point I think she called me a cheater.

Nickel nickel-a card game that involves well...nickels for those who make certain plays first. Each player starts out with eighty cents; the first player who gets whatever it is you are supposed to get to first gets a nickel from each player. Needless to say, Aunt Thelm hates losing twenty cents here and there.

Ah shit.

I don't give a shit-I don't care one way or the other.

It was so funny you had to go shit?-I guess when I laugh, Grandma seems to think when I use the bathroom I have to shit.

After receiving a fruitcake: My fruitcake!

Me: Grandma our family has enough fruitcakes as it is already. Just sayin.

I got enough shit setting around here-Code for I don't need anymore.

I cleaned the toilet just for you, so you could make a mess.

Come to think of it, I did-took the ring bologna to bed, thus why no one can seem to find it.

That's where all the rich people live; over on Scott Street.

People are just dumb-oh you have no idea in some instances!

Who the hell knows?

I'll be damned.

Mouse turds-the name of those little long chocolates that you use for decorating cakes and such.

Love glove-I don't think that is the name of the mitt you use to take stuff out of the oven, but man with those raised lines you sure could have a party even if it is solo

Bob's Market House-located in Hudson, Michigan and a frequent stop for my grandparents.

Joy and Bernie-Grandma's best friend and fellow bowler (when she doesn't get pissed that she is not winning). Bernie is Joy's husband; both are the grandparents of the previously mentioned Cracker Box Kid.

S-K-I-double N-E-R Highway-how I was taught to spell the road Grandma and Grandpa live on.

Viadock-viaduct; located near Devil's Lake, Michigan. All these years later I have no idea where it is to be exact. None.

Those queers over on Rome Road (not Romer Road)- a few weeks ago, one of my second cousins went off the road into the ditch. I asked Grandma where and she told me this location. I have been down Rome Road a good many times and I have no idea who she is referring to. Also, y'aint nice calling people names.

Tall people seem to have a lot of back problems-a week ago, I took a tumble while out delivering mail; tripped over a piece of uneven cement thanks to Lansing's not so awesome job of maintaining their sidewalks. Wrenched my back really good and let me say, the whole thing pissed me off.

Soda crackers-saltines. In the box, although not the cracker box Cootie used to live in.

Macaroni and butter-one of my favorite pasta dishes (if you can call it that).

Tie-ota-not Toyota but Tie-ota.

The Nintendo-what used to be in the basement at Grandma's so-called real house that us grandkids used to sit and play by the hours. Perhaps my first true introduction to video game playing at an intense level (Ataris don't count seems the one we had at our house only worked part of the time and the one Grandma used to have had boring ass games on it; although now, those games would be defined as nostalgic. Pole Position? Still hate that game).

Graage-what Grandpa used to own and where the Park Avenue had been parked in for the past fifteen years. Before moving his business to their house, it was commonplace to say, "Gramps is at the graage" or "Over't graage."

Ruoff-the last name of someone Grandma used to know. She always said the last name sounded like "Some guy falling off a ruff."

Ruff-apparently what the aforementioned person fell off of. Also known as the thing on your house that keeps out the elements and needs replaced every twenty-five or so years.

Sit there with a thumb up yer ass-in other words, shit and get off the pot already.

You need that like a hole in the head-or not.

Stew pot-I am assuming this is what one makes stew in; seems most logical.

Rhubarb pie-another one of Grandma's favorite desserts. Me, I think I shall pass.

Apple crunch-see: rhubarb pie.

Know why a dog says "ruff?" Because the corn cob used to wipe his ass is rough!

Aunt Iva, Wava-a couple of relatives I have maybe met once in my entire life at a family reunion.

You don't know what ajar is? Like your door is ajar but not in a jar sense?-no actually I had never heard of the word ajar until you mentioned it. So every time my door ajar light comes on, I secretly laugh to myself and this whole ajar debacle.

Don't put shoes on the table; it's bad luck-like the carrying the shovel through the house, this is also an activity I refrain from doing (not that I would want my shoes on the table anyway seems who knows where they have been).

Biscuits and gravy-Sunday morning breakfast routine.

I'd go but someone has to look after Grandpa-Grandma's reasoning why she is unable to go any place for a length of time. Maybe recruit Cootie into watching over him.

A watched pot never boils-it does eventually but only after about forty minutes.

You should always take your drivers license with you in case something happens-in other words, don't leave home without it regardless if you are driving or not. Never know when it may come in handy.

You-no!-what is yelled once there is one more card in your hand while playing Uno.

Dr. Feel-Dr. Phil.

Barbara Jean-what Grandma calls her sister Barb.

Bib overhauls-bib overalls.

Rosie Rotten Crotch-in other words, did you wash your who ha today? Because if not, I can sure smell it way over here, Rosie Rotten Crotch!

Fruit cellar-not sure about a fruit cellar, but I have heard of a root cellar. This would be the spot in Grandma's real house that would be pretty much tornado safe and housed a water softener, canned goods and well-junk.

Crotons-not croutons, but crotons for your salad.

Mrs. Mapes-someone my grandparents have known for a very long time. Grandpa used to go over to her house an awful lot for some reason.

Now is that lady like?-no it isn't and no one ever said I was a lady anyhow. Because I am not. Far from it.

I like the pee-can waffles at Waffle House-Pam and I went to Tennessee here recently and it seemed once we got out of Ohio, there were Waffle Houses at every. Single. Exit. Of course, I had to call back to Michigan to tell Grandma this and then told me she liked these pee-can pancakes they have here. I didn't try them as I am pretty much a stick in the mud when it comes to eating new things.

Discard-this falls along the lines of the aforementioned ajar. For the longest time, I had no idea what in the hell she was talking about when she mentioned she had to put a card in the discard pile. See where that gets confusing? Card. Discard.

Drop some fr—ogs in the pond-in other words, take a shit.

Howard and Erma-a nice couple who used to stop by my grandparents house all the time when we were kids. Erma no joke, looked like Grandma enough she could be her twin.

Elder Beerman's-by far one of Grandma's favorite places to shop; probably because this is about the only place she can find that stinky perfume of hers that lingers around for years on end after being sprayed.

Churches Chicken-a defunct restaurant of the 1980s.

Grandpa hates plastic silverware-oh boy isn't that the truth! A short time ago (well ok, maybe 6 months now), we had our annual Thanksgiving dinner over at the Kiwanis Club. Grandpa had went and got his plate fixed, went to sit down and picked up some of Thelm's silverware thinking it was the ones Grandma had brought for him. Needless to say, that was not a very cool thing to do; Thelm ended up having a conniption and Grandpa was pissed telling her, "It isn't like I was going to steal them, Jesus! I thought they were ones Willie brought down. Damn!" Since his stroke, Grandpa does seem to get agitated a little bit more than what he used to. But there was Thelm, acting like a two year old and swiping them away as if she were a kid saying, "These are my blocks and you cannot touch them!"

Dr. Dickman-ha ha what a name! Used to be the main primary care doctor back in the day for my grandparents, my mom and aunts. First name: Harry. Harry Dickman.

The Springs-also known as Rome Center which is also known as the place where only a single gas station marks its existence.

While on their way to a doctor appointment in Jackson during a snowstorm: We spun around twice today; once going one way, then once going the other. Stalled the car out and apparently I either scared the piss or the shit out of Grandpa. We got to where we were going and he ran into the bathroom as fast as he could-I have done that myself recently and it does scare the shit out of you.

Ass over apple cart-in other words, upset.

I think I would rather have it raining outside than in don't you imagine?-stated when someone (like me) says it is raining outside.

Weed whip-weed whacker, thing that gets rid of tall grass near places a mower can't go or reach.

WLEN-the radio station that was always playing in the kitchen at Grandma and Grandpa's real house.

On top of old Smokey where nobody goes, there stood Marilyn Monroe, without any clothes. Along came Roy Rogers, clippity clop. He pulled down his zipper, and out with a flop came Roy's cock-This is a new one on me. Never heard this song before until yesterday when I called Grandma on the phone. She was like, "Don't you remember singing that as a kid? Songs with dirty alternatives?" Can't say I do other than the Listen listen the cat's apissin' song. Either way, I almost fell off the couch when she sang it. Priceless.

Pussy willows-some sort of tree that when it buds, those buds look like cats paws. In fact, Bella managed to lose her winter coat and a lighter one is coming in. Her paws really do look like pussy willows.

Carol says you are always putting pictures of that yellow and white cat of yours on Facebook-well if you are referring to Brock, yes I do, however, I do believe he is what you call an orange and white cat.

I am going to cut that fur out of that yellow cats ears-Grandma, the cat you presently have in your house (as mentioned in the aforementioned sentence) would also be classified as being orange. And no, you typically do not cut fur out of Maine Coons ears; they aren't like old men.

We managed to lose that old grandma cat the other day. I thought she had died; come to find out, she got shut in the truck for at least three days. We went to go see the doctor and heard this reow; I told John there is a cat in this car and she probably shit someplace.

You should keep a class of prune juice handy in the house-first of all, no thanks-its nasty. Secondly, while I may have bowel issues, this would be the last thing I would prefer to resolve it with. Bleh.

No one believes me that cobwebs are the same as spider webs. You should have seen Nathaniel the other day; he and those kids had out their flashlights looking for spider webs even though I tried to tell them they were the same thing. I guess Nathaniel is petrified of spiders so...-they aren't exactly my favorite either. They give me the creepy crawlies yet, I have a whole house full seems I have a Michigan basement. And the living room...

That old grandma cat just shit outside the box. Thank God she doesn't have the diarrhea-as Grandma is walking around with a paper towel full of cat shit.

Impotency. That's where I opened it up (Doctor's Book of Home Remedies, 1990). Would you like for me to read it to you John?

Grandpa: You aren't telling me anything I don't already know about that.

That yellow cat (err orange) cat reows. And reows. And reows. Must be in heat-yep that is exactly what Bella did and we put a stop to that in a hurry. I really don't like watching my cat do all these provocative moves thinking she is going to get laid.

Carol is always telling us not to tell her how to drive seems she has a CDL. Well, she got stuck about four or five times and I reminded her that she has the CDL.

Li-lacks-those purplish bushes that bloom in spring; also referred to as lilacs (or as my mother says, "li-locks.").

Jesus Christ! It's just a damn house!-the response I got after I told Grandma I really hated that my cousin they swapped houses with totally wrecked her real house. Somewhere and some how, she thinks it looks better than when they lived there; I vote no. Basement is trashed and a few other things were just not, well, the way they used to be. I agree with my sister in that house swapping was not in their best interest. Wouldn't it have been cheaper to buy a John Deere Gator and go up to the barn rather than adding on to and building both a bigger kitchen and garage?

Rubbers-the things that go over your shoes, not your dick.

Binder twine-bailer twine.

A lot of things shrivel up-I walked in at the wrong time on that conversation.

Eat and run like Phil Wilson-Phil Wilson is a great uncle of mine who, every year at Thanksgiving, literally eats and runs and not to take a shit either.

Bombfire-I think what she means is bonfire, but yes, sadly there are fires when bombs go off.

Weenie roast-what we used to have as kids for birthday parties or for whatever.

Thompson's Savings Bank-where my grandparents mostly did their banking. I do not think they are around anymore.

Cat Coalition-it was through this that Grandma was able to get all 65 cats spayed and neutered. No worries, they were barn cats. The good thing about is, I got Brock fixed for nothing; the bad news is they aren't around anymore either so I am not sure if the yellow cat will be able to get fixed or not (Did I just call that cat the yellow cat? Freudian slip). Grandma said she wasn't going to pay $150 for a damn cat.

Olde English-what Grandma does decide to use in the event she has an overwhelming urge to dust.

Up shit crick without a paddle-well shit.

Your neighbor lady is an idiot-yes this would be the same one who needs to tend to her own knittin.' Last Thursday or Friday, she had the nerve to call me at 2030; mind you I was in bed and the lights were off in the house so that would be a clue not to call...Anyway, she had the audacity to blame me for a mother possum that was found dead in her yard, that Suzy down the street said I had a possum problem last year and if I was doing it I damn well better stop because now these baby possums are going to die. Well let me clarify a few things: A) it wasn't a possum I had an issue with it was a woodchuck; B) it was not a year ago-try maybe three; and C) I don't just randomly trespass on someone's yard and go kill something with a firearm I don't have.

Tom Screwit-I will have you know, that is not Tom Skerritt's name; and by the way, I met him yesterday and he is such a nice man! Very funny too!

After I told her I met Tom Skerritt and had a little chat:

Did you tell him that you have an aunt who looks like that woman they put in the freezer?-20 years later she is still upset that they killed off Ginny Weedon...

Along the same vein: you should have asked if they really killed that woman-(not to be confused with that woman I mention later).

He wasn't very fat in the show either, ya know?-while meeting Tom Skerritt has been on my bucket list for a very long time, I have to say, he really isn't very tall (as indicated by this picture) nor does he weigh much. So now, when I watch Picket Fences, he just doesn't seem the same to me. Don't get me wrong, I am still a huge fan of his, but for some reason, I thought him to be taller.

Did you tell him your grandmother got you hooked on that show?-yes I did actually. And I said here is the irony-she lives in Rome Township! Mr. Skerritt replied, "I think I know where that might be." Sweet!

I don't imagine why that woman didn't hear the fire trucks go by-Grandma's statement after finding out that my dads house up to the other property burned down last week. Henceforth, my dad's second wife shall now be referred to as that woman. I know Dad didn't hear them because he sleeps very hard, like I do. Which can be bad in certain circumstances.

Take the cows over't Napoleon-Napoleon Michigan is where my grandparents and my dad take their livestock to sell.

Smells like someone died in here-uttered after disposing of some field mice.

You're just like Grandpa; can't find it so you go out and buy another one.

Desperate Housewives-Grandma's new (sort of) television show she watches (or watched I don't even think it is on anymore).

You shit ass.

Salve/drawing salve-what one puts on burns, severe cases of acne or in my case, an infected hangnail. Has the consistency of something that used to look like wood putty.

Grandma Ruder-Grandma's mother; never had the chance to meet her as she had passed away well before I was born. Her favorite insect was a ladybug, therefore, growing up we always said Grandma Ruder was in the house when we found one.

John, we do to live in Rome Township don't we?-This the response I was given when I was about 12 when I ran across some old archaic map. I kept thinking, no way. What are the odds she lives in Rome Township and Picket Fences also happens to take place in Rome, Wisconsin? More than a coincidence.

The Root Beer Depot-used to be located in Brooklyn, Michigan and where growing up (at least until maybe I was 10) we visited every Friday night. Aside from root beer, there used to be classic car shows and if I remember correctly, my late great uncle Kenny was one who showed his off. Cootie and her daughter Lisa worked there for most of its tenure. Presently, it sits empty.

What crawled up your ass and died?-this should probably go along with stop being so ornery. I suppose lately, a lot has crawled up my ass and died seems any little thing is an annoyance.

Grandpa never works on Sunday; he has bad luck the rest of the week if he does-while my day of rest is Saturday (the Jewish Sabbath), Grandpa's is Sunday. Growing up, he never did anything on this day for fear it would bring bad luck the rest of the week if he did. In 2014, I am not sure if he does or not as I do not visit them as often as I should.

Beauty shop-this is another one of those sayings that as a kid, I had no idea what in the hell Grandma was talking about; thinking it was a place where you go to get beautiful (that is partially true). Essentially, it is a salon and Grandma used to spend a lot of time there getting her hair bent per Grandpa.

Thelm and Rick-my great aunt and uncle who go down to Grandma and Grandpa's an awful lot to twiddle cards.

We will wear blue shirts, that way, if we get separated we can find each other easier-looking back I am not sure what it was with Sea World and my family but it seemed like as I got older, bad things seemed to happen either on the way, while we were there or on the way back (for all I know maybe we decided to go on a Sunday). About 1994 was when all this started. We had gone to Sea World, spent the day there and ended up getting stranded thanks to an alternator going bad on Cootie's fair van. And it wasn't just any stranded-it was pouring down rain, 98% humidity and sleeping in the van (at a truck stop nonetheless). The following year, Grandpa locked the keys in the same van and either Jeffrey (second cousin) or Johnny (one of my brothers) had to crawl through this little teeny narrow back window to get them out. It was also this trip where we all decided to wear blue in case we got lost. Over the course of the day, a nasty storm moved in and guess what? Everybody was wearing blue ponchos and of course our group got separated! As much as I loved Sea World, I honestly can't say I am glad it shut down, not given our track record.

It's a nice day, get your ass outside-that is where I would rather be when it is nice out. God knows we have long ass winters here.

Walmarts, Fords, Meijers-this isn't so much a Grandma exclusive thing; it is more of something we all tend to do here in Michigan-add an S where it doesn't belong.

Hot house tomatoes-I think they are supposed to be greenhouse tomatoes but I am not one to argue.

Spade-or what we used to call a dandelion popper. Also works great for decapitating snakes.

Dr. Bender-physician who both grandparents used to see all the time until he retired a few years ago. The way they talked about him, you would think he was some sort of god.

Grandma Louse-this is what we call my Grandma McGauley (Dad's mom). It is a long story but one worth sharing nonetheless. Around 1991 or 1992, Grandma Louse's second husband went on some sort of rampage and threw her out of their house on Green Road. For a period of time, she lived with us until she found something that suited her. Anyway, over the course of that time, some guy called our house wanting to know if Louse was around. My sister Liz (who at the time couldn't have been more than 7) told him no and that she didn't have any louse but asked if he did (of course I am laughing as I type this out because I remember it plain as day). Thus, Grandma Louse was created and has stuck. We even went up on two wheels in the Louse mobile going to Frankenmuth in 2002.

Lodge meeting-where Grandpa goes to get away from Grandma.

Shop picnic-pretty much what is says it is-a shop picnic. Remember earlier in this story (if it can indeed be called such) Grandma asked how do you do it at the shop? Every summer for four or five years, we went to her shop picnic. It is essentially a get together of all the people who worked at shop.

Si Knowles-one of the grandparent's neighbors who used to live on Romer Road. Had a ton of sheep too.

Wheatland Road-(as Grandma draws out the WH); this is where one of Cootie's houses used to be when she lived with Jim Miller. It is also where one of my great aunts still has a home today-right next door to Cootie's old house.

Churches Corners-again, no idea where in the hell this may be but Grandma refers to it as much as she does the viadock. I recently read a book by a Lenawee County historian who also mentioned this place in a book about the Palm Sunday tornadoes that ripped through Devil's Lake. Nope, still no idea where it is.

Lumber yard-where one goes to purchase, well, lumber.

The Mill-Where Grandpa used to go to have his corn transformed into feed for the cattle, someplace over by Waldron. Also the name of a business in downtown Onsted.

Slacks-dress pants.

Cut-offs-not dress pants; pretty much what they say they are: cut off jeans.

Me house, me house.

Railroad ties-not sure what it was with my grandparents and railroad ties, but when I was a kid, it seemed like every six months, they just had to go get some (where I have no idea). Some were used for making parking spots at their real house, others were used for who knows what.

They're in the dishwasher-no not the dishes. More like chips, cookies, crackers and other snacks. Grandma hardly ever used the dishwasher for anything else aside from food storage. When Jonny was about four years old, he decided he would turn this on. That was the most God awful sound I had ever heard in my life! It reminded me of something getting chopped up in a chipper.

Kill a spider and it'll rain-I don't do snakes and I don't do spiders, so I guess I better brace myself for a very wet spring and summer.

Lean-to-an outbuilding.

Stop pulling the hem out of yer shorts!-when my youngest sister Katy was about five, she had on a pair of pink shorts that clearly had a hem problem. Irritated by having a string hang off her clothes, she proceeded to yank out the rest of the hem. Grandma fixed it, then she turned around and yanked it out again. I think after about three times, Grandma gave up.

A-dran or A-dree-un-Adrian, Michigan.

The old house-where my great grandfather lived and where every summer, we would all go up and burn the ditch. How the fire never reached the house I have no idea for it was pretty close.

How does a turkey look over a log?-mean mean game where you grab the nape of someone's neck and pull both their hair and head forward.

Turk'ens-Turk hens; funny little birds who have a bald spot on their heads with poofy feathers on both sides.

Don't you get the paper anymore?-on why I don't cut coupons out of the newspaper.

I seriously cannot stand Dolly Parton-I am not really sure why, but Grandma despises the woman.

After making the letter B on your back with her fingernail:

Grandma: What letter is this?

Me: B

Grandma (after she smacks you really hard): stings don't it?!

I can't help but laugh when someone falls down-and does she laugh and laugh and laugh...

Egg corn-acorn.

Mrs. Burch-lifelong neighbors of my grandparents; recently passed away I am told.

Urn-again this is one of those things I had no idea what my grandmother was talking about when I was a kid. She used to say she had to go plant some flowers in the said urn next to their bay window down at their real house. Then it was putting flowers in the urn at the cemetery around Memorial Day. An urn is also something that keeps a deceased family member once they have been cremated.

K-dollars-the only type of dollar Cootie seems to think she needs to collect. Really it is almost an obsession. Not entirely sure what is so special about the K dollar; I see them all the time when I decide to use cash. In fact, the going rate of exchange if your name was Bill or Kayce, was $2 for every one K-dollar. I tried to get that same exchange rate and I didn't so I stopped watching for them. Screw that.

Cow path-paths made by the cows that we took to get down to the crick.

Don't eat too much cheese or you'll get bound up-was told this all the time as a child. I have no idea if there is any truth this or not; I have enough bowel issues as it without cheese.

Wrecker call-where Grandpa used to call at all hours of the day and night to help a potential customer who had car troubles.

Burdocks-those nasty little brown ball thingies that stick to your clothes and hair.

Man alive!-is this what you utter after having sex?

I've always liked burgundy-it's true, Grandma does seem to have a burgundy fetish. First it was her Park Avenue (later mentioned in a short story I had written in 1997), now it is curtains. That only means one thing: she's about to have a curtain turnin' party soon!

I know it!-Grandma is very seldom wrong. She will make it a point to tell you that too.

Don't feed the dog table scraps; it'll make 'im fart-there is some truth to this. Every time we fed our black lab scraps, she farted. And farted. And farted.

Penny-ante ass shit-in other words, shit that has very little significant meaning and probably isn't worth two cents.

That'll make ya pucker-sorry not a huge fan of sour things. Reminds me of those gumballs we had in the 1990s-what were they? Cry babies if I recall. I cannot think about them without literally having a sour taste in my mouth.

Stop jumping on the water bed! You'll poke a hole in it!-funny I always wondered what happened to their water bed. Must be one of the grandkids jumped on it too much or, for all we know, Grandma and Grandpa had a few good romps in it.

Hold your pucker strings!-in other words, don't shit where you are! Best you go to the toilet.

Training bra-I have no idea why beginner bras are called training bras. Really what are we training our boobs to do? Back flips? Gymnastics?

Cows are a bellerin'-probably because they can't go over to the dog catcher's house to get laid?

Pop pie-no not the sailor man. The thing you put in the oven (well microwave now) and eat. Correct term is pot pie.

Not supposed to talk on the phone in a storm. You could get electrocuted.

Savings bonds-what each of the grandkids received on their birthdays until each reached the age of 16.

Along the same vein-That was why I bought them, so you had them in case you needed them (i. e. the savings bonds)-In June 2014, I hit a patch of dire straits financially and had to resort to cashing in the ones that were mature. I hated to do it, but unemployment only goes so far for so long then you are on your own.

Plain Jane-the nickname of the lady who works at Decker's Insurance.

Dust bunnies-those annoying little gobs of environmental detris that seem to cohabitate in the oddest of places.

Christine Hubble, in a bubble-I have to hand it to Grandma: she makes up some interesting songs as she goes along in conversation.

Don't open an umbrella in the house, its bad luck-no idea if there is any truth to this, but this is also something I refrain from doing.

Sex-it's what keeps ya young-I suppose my grandparents would know...

Adrian fair-Not the Lenawee County fair, but the Adrian fair (that also happens to be held at the Lenawee fairgrounds.

If you got the money honey, I got the time-part of a Willie Nelson tune Grandma never seems to finish.

One for the money, two for the show-I think the next line to Blue Suede Shoes is go cat go...

You don't need to rush off-said every time I go to leave their house.

I can't hardly believe she crawls in bed with that-in other words, Grandma finds it rather hard to fathom why any woman would climb into bed with a man who is homely as a fence post.

After seeing two huge black snakes intertwined near her rock garden recently: I probably interrupted their mating session-oh damn. Just what the world needs is more snakes.

I don't think those snakes are here anymore; they are probably over't Carol's-well that gives me some solace that they aren't near here. Not.

Stinky cheese-parmesan cheese. And boy is it ever good on spaghetti and butter!

Musk melon-cantelope that has a brown skin to it.

You are just as bad as me and that Buick-in other words, putting money into a vehicle that is 12 years old and has 218,959 miles on it for why? Because I am still unemployed that is why!

I wish you would go back to work so I am not worrying about you-me too Grandma. Me too. Out of 60 applications I have completed in the last 9 months, I have had maybe only 10 interviews. Those aren't good statistics.

If you lie, you'll get bumps on your tongue-aside from feeling completely guilty about lying, this is another reason I don't. Those little bumps hurt like hell.

Taco Paco-rhyming when we eat tacos at her house.

Blouse-any type of shirt you put on according to my grandmother is a blouse. T-shirt, sweatshirt-no matter. It's still a blouse.

Don't ride with your window down, do you want to be like Grandpa and get Bell's Palsy?-whether there is any correlation between riding with your window down and developing Bell's Palsy I am not sure. It is something I should research sometime.

Hubbard's-where Grandpa used to go get parts on the cars he repaired years ago as well as the place which had to put a new fuel pump on my car a year after I bought it.

After playing putt-putt golf in Ludington over the summer, 2014:

Grandma: Did you really hit that ball up that lady's dress?

Me: No, but in keeping with your naughtiness, if it did it probably was the most excitement she had between her legs in a long time.

Grandma: Why? Was she an old woman?-the story behind this is Pam and I decided to go play putt-putt golf one hot summer evening this year. I don't know my own strength so I thought when I hit the ball I just tapped it. Well, I didn't. The ball hit a few bricks and came down and hit a lady in the shoulder. By the time Pam turned around to see what was happening, she thought I hit the ball up her dress. In a quirky way, it was rather hilarious. And no, the lady wasn't hurt, although she should be on the lookout for falling balls (in more ways than one if you know what I mean;)

What woman?-oh you know, that woman you refer to as my dad's second wife.

Sweeper-vacuum cleaner. If I am not mistaken, they still have that ugly green Eureka from the 1980s.

Wasperbasket-what the hell is that? It is like a combination between wastepaper and basket. Guessing this is the shorthand for that?

Those little girls-my nieces, Sam and Wendy.

Shorty Taylor-some guy who let Grandpa borrow what seemed like a totally awesome truck to an eight year old at the time: extended cab, dually wheels and of all things a Chevy. Well as I got older, I got over that quick.

When I was learning how to tie my shoes: You're doing it all wrong. If you are right handed, you are supposed to tie your shoes with your right hand. Why are you tying them with your left?-no idea. Probably the same reason I play hockey and golf left handed. Really, I was not aware there was literally a right and a wrong way to tie shoes. And for the record, I still tie with my left hand.

Ole Porky died today. A lot of things are dying around here lately-sad but also very true. Porky was one of the 60+ barn cats who was chronically ill. Shocked he lived as long as he did, but in his passing he set a precedent for other things dying as well: my great aunt Thelm and something else it seemed.

Campbell's Soup labels-the things us grandkids used to plead and beg for so we could turn them into school.

I called to give you hell. Why did you put what I had told you on Facebook? We don't know what happened and it wasn't smart doing that. What goes on in this house stays in this house-yes ma'am. But in my defense, you told me over the phone. So, technically does the "My house" rule still apply?

Liz used to laugh when I told you kids years ago about my English medal I had gotten on my honors night in high school. Funny; all these years later she ended up getting one on hers!

Anti-cue-I do believe this is supposed to be antique, but my late aunt called them anti-cues when she was a kid.

People who have older, classic cars are spoiled kids who never grew up into adults. That is why I won't let Grandpa get one-and 20 years later, she hasn't.

The show-the movies.

I think you are the only one of my grandkids who has a level head on their shoulders-well, I think so too but I am severely biased for myself.

I like working on Sudoku-good for you because I hate it. I buy the paper and work on the one in there and there is nothing left to the board once I am done because I have erased it so much. Tried it a few times before I took the LSAT exam two months ago thinking it would get me in the right frame of mind for the analytical reasoning portion of the test; it did not.

Shit on a shingle-some sort of something you eat.

I would be worried about you out there kayaking and have a water snake crawl in the boat with you-gee, thanks for freaking me out more! Always on the look out for these bastards when I am out paddling down the Red Cedar and Grand Rivers. Hopefully, I never ever encounter one. More importantly, I hope they don't have the ability to slither inside a boat either.

Address book-paper book where you literally kept addresses. As in mailing addresses.

Don't count the cars on a train; someone will die if you do-still trying to figure out if there is any truth to this or not. I would like to think no seems those who couple the trains need to count them to make sure there isn't too many. Unless they have a lot of deaths in their family. Either way, this is still one of those things I refrain from even when I railfan.

I try to spell words in my sleep. Do you think I remember them when I wake up? Hell no!

Deer flies-annoying flies that bite the hell out of you regardless if you have insect repellant on or not.

I was going to ask you something and now I don't remember what it was.

My (fill in the blank) went to hell-in my case, this past week it was my mop I have had since I moved in. Rusted right through where the mechanism is to wring out the extra water. Made for an interesting mopping experience.

Outfits-even to this day, after I have been in the healthcare sector working well over half of my life, Grandma still refers to my scrubs as outfits. To me, outfits sounds as if the noun should be more geared towards something an infant would wear, not a 34 year old. "Oh I warshed your outfits today and hung them out to dry." Thanks, but what is it you are referring to again exactly?

A few years ago, for a gift exchange for Xmas (before I converted to Judaism), I bought for this white elephant deal of all things a Chia Pet. Grandma was the lucky person to get it. She says she "follered all the directions" and then decided on her own one day, it started looking like a frump. She said, "I decided to cut it's hair back because it was getting too long. Now all I have is a dead plant." Fairly certain there was nothing indicating about trimming the Chia Pet back in those directions.

I plugged in the electric knife and neither it or the stove worked-the yearly tradition of blowing fuses continues even well into the 21st century!

That damn Carol! She bought a Butterball turkey and the damn thing didn't have a pop-up thing in it! I have had to take this in and out of the oven so many damn times I have lost count!

Grandma: Your mother would not spend the night with us the other night.

Me: Why was that?

Grandma: Well apparently all Grandpa and I do is have sex all night long. Gramps looked at her and said, "Hell NO!"-cue ACDC's You Shook Me All Night Long: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tnz_jP3OHpM

Sounds like a raped ape-I have no idea what that sounds like. Could you demo for us?

Chris sat here one night picking little specks out of the ice cream. Apparently, he didn't realize what Carol had picked up was vanilla bean ice cream and what he was picking out was, well pieces of the bean. He said he thought they were bugs-I would like to think that bugs in ice cream would be a little bigger than flecks.

I don't know why you don't let your hair grow out-because it is naturally curly and a huge pain in the ass to manage otherwise. Besides, I don't have time to fuck around with it.

After I bought my truck in January 2005: I know why you got it that color! That was the color of Tom Skerritt's police car in Picket Fences!-No I guess I had not really thought about that and clearly Grandma was paying attention all those years ago. It was at that time I christened it Jimmy Brock (and that name has stuck since).

Two forks at one sitting means someone is going to get married.

Grandma: I can't believe you good Christian girls act like that.

Me: Don't put me in that category I am not a Christian remember? I am Jewish.

Grandma: Well you grew up as a Christian didn't ya?

Me: Yes, but as I got older, I began to think about things that didn't make any sense and I learned I could make my own decisions. Becoming Jewish aligned with more with my belief system than Christianity ever did-which is very true; there were a lot of things with Christianity which made no logical sense to me. I had no idea what it was but I always found something special about the Jewish faith. When I moved into my house almost 10 years ago, I had contemplated on going to church. However, the defining moment for my changing to Judaism came after I did a report for a sociology class as part of completing my Bachelors degree in nursing. As I obtained info and read it, I was very fascinated with what it was I was gleaning information from and as a result, I took it one step further to see if a city the size of Lansing had a synagogue. The answer was yes! Two actually, but I try to go to the one I am most comfortable with and closer to home. Since then, I pop in here and there but do not go as often as I should-for this I feel bad about as lots of times, work is still being done when I get home when it is time for Reform services to start on Friday at 1930. I am hoping over Chanukah I can remedy some of this.

I about shit!-now don't go doing that!

It tastes like dust-some snarky remark Grandma made to my brother after he had asked her how her molasses cookies tasted.

I was watching this show called Bounce the other night. No idea what it was about but I had to ask Grandpa if that lady really told that guy to lick her with her legs spread. I had to see if I heard right.

Now what are you doing, taking notes? –actually they weren't notes, they are things written down to update my book.

What'd you bring it in for then?-I guess Liz took something into my family's Xmas party she wasn't supposed to or something. Oh hell. It has been so long ago I don't remember now.

I ain't shittin' ya, they are hard cookies. Hard as a rock-again my brother and Grandma's molasses cookies...

Well, there it goes down the road Liz!-It is in my understanding my sister has an issue working a fob where there is a remote start involved. So, while at our said party in December 2014, rather than hit unlock, she hit start and this was Grandma's reply.

Guess John was right. 16 inches. He should know 16 inches when he sees it-uh---I am not quite sure how to decipher this. I have a feeling some sexual innuendo is buried in there someplace.

I told Grandpa he needs a skirt on with the amount of dishes he does lately-well Grandma, when you have sutures in place, they have to be clean and dry. Long story short: she was doing something she probably should not have been doing (working a wood splitter) and got her index finger caught somehow and ended up getting sutures practically all the way around her finger. Very lucky it was not amputated. What pisses me off is there are certain relatives who live nearby who can get off their fat ass and help them do some of that stuff. Sure, great they can do it at 80, but still. If I lived closer, I know I would help.

Come on cat. What are you going to do? Go downstairs or outside? Well go downstairs then!-I am convinced, felines like to confuse their human owners.

You can't educate Chris. He's too old to work on.

Bill's cat got in a box the other day and had everything in there but it's tail. That old dog of Kayce's pulled him right out of the box!-never. A. Dull. Moment.

What do you mean your sewer needs fixed?-after 83 odd years, the pipes are all assed up from who knows what all. Besides I am about sick of calling to have them come and flush it out every time. Over the last 9 years, if I figured correctly, that job would have been more than half paid for.

I know how to tape packages correctly; I used to do it at the shop all the time-again this is left open for any type of deciphering of your choice.

How about some molasses cookies? Sugar cookies?-she loves her cookies. I love the sugar ones and am very disappointed she didn't make any this year.

Hit the sack/hay-go to bed.

The Golden Years: not so much golden as they are rusty.

Drapes-curtains (or the things required for a curtain turnin' party).

Damn cats!

Maybe he does not have a wife to order him around to make sure he doesn't leave the house wearing burgundy polyester pants-order. Burgundy. Grandma are you volunteering your services?

January is always the worst time of year for bad snowstorms-God yes. Although so far, in comparison to 2013-14, 2014-15 has not been so bad thus far. Let's keep it that way.

And that is why we don't eat cereal in the living room-complete no-no as a kid. One of my cousins did it one time and the one time guess what? Spilled Captain Crunch all over the carpet.

All my grandsons always went behind the couch to shit-strange.

Keep herd on those kids-in other words, keep them in line.

Carol hates crowds; says she feels like they are on top of her. I told her she was nuts.

Don't ever start anything on Friday or it will never get done-again, this is one of those things I struggle with and if there is any truth to it. Either way, I try to refrain from doing this as well as other things I have mentioned earlier that have some questionable truth to them.

Don't rock an empty rocking chair; you do someone will die-see above.

Don't pick up a dead bird or someone will die-again, see above.

Oh you sound like Carol and her pills she has to take-well in all actuality, I hate taking any type of pill. I know I have some prescriptions for things I need to take on a daily basis, but if it is a narcotic, I would just assume tough that shit out before I take one. Sorry, way I was raised.

You hear about the lady who was supposed to take birth control pills? Rather than swallowing them, she inserted them into her vagina. Any wonder they didn't work?-My question is this: where in the hell do you hear about this shit at?

One of my relatives belongs to a nudist colony-uh ok.

Harold Rhoades carries a purse-that is the honest truth. When I was about 14, we happened to run into him and his wife at Meijers on Airport Road. Ran into them in the parking lot and sure enough, Harold had a purse.

Pee-dro-another card twiddling game in which I have no idea how to play.

Your dice are loaded-a few years ago, I bought Yahtzee. No idea you could play solo but when I did, for real, Yahtzees every other roll. I have yet to see if the same happens when I am playing someone else. Teaching the cats to play is like getting them to clean up the house.

How do you put those train logos on with those gorilla fingers and hands of yours?

Me: tweezers.

Grandpa always has to play that Wheel of Fortune slot machine-when we go to the casino, that is precisely where he stays.

Vaco-the name used for the shop before Klein Tools took over.

Never go to bed angry-good advice really. Never know, you or the person you are mad at may never wake up in the morning.

I hit the ditch like the Dukes of Hazzard and spun a bearing-if I recall the story correctly, Grandma may have been coming home from work one afternoon years ago and some lady waited until the last minute to make a stop. Grandma herself couldn't stop the Park Avenue in time so, rather than hit the lady in front of her, she went for the ditch over on Romer Road (Rome Road) and narrowly missed a tree. Thankfully, all she did was spin out a bearing and it wasn't anything else too serious.

Those penquins are dumb; walking all over Hell's half acre in 80 below zero weather just to have sex. I sure as hell wouldn't.

Dog's draggin his ass; must have worms.

Play clothes-what Grandma made sure we had packed when we went to stay at her house or when our mother made us dress up (GAG!) for holidays so we could go outside and be with our cousins.

I let a play get away-well shit thee bed Fred! What did you do that for?

Well, that's just great!-is it? Highly situational dependent.

That cat is going to the cat house if he doesn't straighten up-cat house? Would this be like the same thing as being in the dog house?

Velv—eeeta!-the cheese and not Veda?

If Grandpa makes me mad, I don't talk to him. Pisses him off but he's the one who did it-and strangely, I found myself doing this when Pam told me that work offered her a job in Indiana. Wasn't happy and she heard about it.

Water-pik-some years ago, Grandma had some oral problems and when she came to spend the night at our house (usually on a Friday), she brought one of these with her. If I recall correctly as well, I believe my first experience with Picket Fences actually came in our house. Grandma had come up to spend the night for some reason I can't remember and she was like: "Picket Fences will be on in 20 minutes. Can you get that channel?" I vividly remember all of us huddled on our couch at home watching it. Don't ask which episode because I honestly don't remember. 1 of 88 and I am sure it wasn't the last season because I could not have been more than 12 or 13.

Hash brown potatoes-hash browns.

I know you hate pushing papers. I am shocked you even took that job offer-this would be after I was promoted at Great Lakes the first time I was employed there. I went from LPN to clinical supervisor and it completely shocked my grandmother. And yes it is true, I really do hate shuffling papers.

On March 27, 2015, part of the maternal side of the family got together at the Wooden Nickel in Dansville to celebrate my mom's 53rd birthday. Here is some of the bantering which took place that evening:

As Grandpa was trying to get down off one of the high back/high sitting chairs: Ya gonna fall off John?

Grandpa: Well I certainly ain't climbing off it.

My brother Jonny as he and Cootie and a few other people were sitting at another table looking like they were all engrossed in a card game: This is a very intense poker game.

Grandma: What are you poking? I don't imagine it would reach that far.

We had a woman at the shop who wasn't too smart or swift. Another person in the lunchroom was warming up some fish and while that was going on someone else asked, "What smells like fish?" This woman goes "Well it isn't me-I had a hysterectomy!"

After my niece Wendy asked where her dinner was as people around us were being served: Well, she didn't throw those to the hogs did she?-Grandma was picking on Sam and Wendy telling them that each time the food came out, it was going out to the hogs.

After seeing a lady pole dancing on television: Look up Chris! Burn ya eyes does it?!

Burn the roadside-this was pretty much how us grandkids spent our summers when we were in the ages of single digits. Grandma and Grandpa would have us go up to the "Old House" and watch them burn the roadside. I am still not sure why they did that on a yearly basis; it isn't like they mowed it or anything.

Damn clay ground-absolutely the worse type of ground to work in. I now see why my grandparents hate it so much. It gets too dry it is like cement; too wet and it is a swamp.

See those cracks in the clay there? Snakes made those-Grandma's explanation to a 6 year old kid as to why there were cracks in that damn clay ground.

Dump cake-this would also be what any normal person would call a dirt cake. Why Grandma calls it a dump cake I have no idea. Probably the same reason crab rangoons are crab cakes.

What do you mean, no?-No. I am not entirely sure how far you can drag that out.

Freedom Farm-a place my mother used to threaten us girls when we were kids. All the time.

Don't buy cans that have dents. They can be poisonous-And to this day, I always check my tin canned food for any dents. I think it was once said that dents have a higher risk of botulism.

If I really wanted to off someone, I would feed them canned green beans from 20 years ago-Grandma used to say this a lot. In fact, there was a whole shelf of them in her fruit cellar at her real house. I am not sure what her intent was nor if having canned greens beans sit around for that period of time can actually be fatal.

Chives-the plant my brother Calvin enjoys eating in the raw.

I've got a crink in my neck-me too and I can't get it to let go.

Stop being such a houseplant-in other words, get your ass outside.

You're just as bad as Carol going around and shutting up the drawers and cupboards-nothing annoys me more than open doors. And clutter.

That dumb ass. Where'd he go?-unfortunately I had yet another kidney stone attack on May 11 which resulted in yet another trip to the ER. Afterwards, we went to Meijers and dropped off my prescriptions to get filled, leaving Grandpa in the Tahoe. After we got done running around, went back out and Gramps was not in there. Apparently he went in the store for some reason.

I see ya got a broken chair there. I hope you weren't sitting in it when the back came off-No, I wasn't. It fell off because of all that shit I have to keep the cats downstairs.

One time, Grandpa Ruder sat in this fold-up chair. Two minutes later, he was gone. Damn thing folded up on him!-I am seeing a trend here. The back of my beach chair rips in two, the chair to keep the kids downstairs it breaks and my grandfather falls out of bed. I am sure Grandma laughed her ass all the way to the river bank on that one.

Don't you ever get tired of watching that show (Picket Fences)? You probably seen it five hundred times-Why is this even a question? Yes I probably did watch most of those episodes five hundred times, but they never get old.

You walk like your Grandma McGulley-Well considering I just got home from the ER after having another kidney stone attack, I don't think I have a choice in the matter. Pissed me off, missing a week of work over something stupid but it is what it is. Third time better be the last time. Surprised she didn't say I looked like I had a cob up my ass.

Jeffery and his macaroni and cheese-Yes, there was a time where Jeffery, one of my second cousins had to have macaroni and cheese when he went to Grandma's house. Her homemade is the best in my opinion.

Kayce thought she needed to be those worms' mother. So, she licked them. The worms. From. The. Shit. Pile.-And if I rightly recall, she got terribly ill from it as well. I am not sure what would possess someone to lick worms from a cow manure pile-the thought in and of itself is repulsive. Nasty.

Maybe it's his mother-Another Willie song which I have no idea what she is trying to sing.

Those helicopter things can be dangerous. Did you know you could slip and fall on them?-Unfortunately I do. I have once a short time after having my hip scope done.

Patent leather pants-aka pleather.

While playing Yahtzee: I always try to score big in the upper section so I can get the 35 extra points!

Did THAT woman ever get her leatha gloves?-purportedly my father's second wife was to go down to Shipshewana and go get some leather gloves for "work." Well hell! She doesn't do anything aside from hammer on the piano I am told!

I heard THAT woman needs those leatha gloves so she can hammer on the piano!

I know, that static shit drives me crazy too-considering the summer of 2015 has been exceptionally wet, my grandparents phone is staticy and there are times I feel like I am talking into a toilet.

Texas sheet cake-another food item my grandmother loves to make.

Get their breakfast. They can't screw that up!-when I bought my new car, I went down to my grandparents house and took them for a ride in it. We then went to this little hole-in-the-wall place in Hudson where they served brunch. Apparently, anything aside from brunch is assed up.

Your dad has a sickness when it comes to chainsaws. Who in the hell needs 8?!-apparently my father seems to think so. I highly doubt THAT woman and her leatha gloves will be on an end of one of them.

Kayce's teacher's name is Mrs. Hips-well that is strange!

You should adjust the mirror on the side so you can see the fenders. That was what I was taught-this would be Grandma being a side seat driver.

Cricket cage-something as kids we used to screw around with. Whether it truly was for crickets or just a decoration I have no idea aside from we certainly tried to put bugs in there.

Poor man's cookie-got extra frosting and graham crackers? No problem!

Turn the vent on-air conditioner, vent; whatever the case may be, you can almost be very certain it will be on in my grandparents' vehicles.

What's in a planetarium? Plants?-Veda and I went to Chicago one year and decided we needed to check out the Adler Planetarium. Apparently, my grandmother thinks plants reside here.

Lilly pads-the places where fr—ogs supposedly sit.

Checkbook look-aka you are on your period and your pad is super thick. I think what she meant was phonebook look but depending on what you have in your checkbook I suppose maybe...

What in the hell is in a spotted cow?! Just don't start givin' it milk-I have no idea what she was referring to here. A spotted cow, I guess.

I know I sure as hell wouldn't go four days without shittin.' Get some prune juice. ALL you need is a shot glass full; it won't give ya the diarrhea-the mere thought of even trying this is very nauseating. However, I do encourage my patients to use it. Perfect example of not practicing what you preach.

Well that is an interesting get up-either you went to town looking like a frump or you are wearing something that totally does not go well together.

You sound like Grandpa and the U. S. not needing another Bush in the White House. The greenhouse maybe-well it is true. But we won't go there seems I hate politics and I am not Republican.

Cactus bush-this is one of those sayings that could go in any direction, including along the lines of being naughty...

Where did you think we were? At the neighbors?-not sure but there are times you are harder than hell to get ahold of.

She doesn't have a brain to remember things-rumor has it, Carol is a little on the space cadet side.

I should have left him at the hospital and had that nurse take him home-Grandpa had a colonoscopy a short time ago and in true Willodean fashion, she managed to get lost at the hospital.

Those cats scared the shit out of the cows; they ran to the barn!-hmm how exactly do felines scare something as huge as a cow? Wait. This question answers itself. Two words: Rome Township. 'nuff said.

Damn idiots!-my mother and Carol are now referred to as damn idiots. I have not quite gotten the entire backstory on this...yet.

Are you a sadist?-the question Grandma asked my second cousin Bill when he wanted to paint his bedroom black. Very strange; if you want it dark, just get black curtains. That is what I did when I worked 3rd shift.

I cannot hardly believe they made me give them my jackknife. I am an old lady; not like I can do much anyway-Once again, I had a kidney stone attack in May 2015. Of course Veda was working and seems I had to drive myself over to Sparrow, I had to have someone come get me. Enter my grandparents. Sadly Grandma, yes this is a big city and clearly some elderly person probably did pull a knife on someone, thus the reason for confiscating it.

Can't help someone unless they decide to help themselves first-a very true statement.

$5 says having two cars won't last very long-and right you are Grandma! Lasted maybe 2 months at the most.

I hate having our yard look like a junkyard. People need to figure out what to do with their cars once they no longer run rather than leave them here-this is where I say, grow a set of balls and tell them they are adults and they need to figure it out. One word: donate. That is what I did with the truck seems I got tired of looking at it and all I could hear in my head was this very statement. I also did not want my yard to look like my bat-shit crazy neighbor lady's.

Carol's Twinkie bird-Carol had a bird once and yes it was named Twinkie. I think at one point it escaped and got hung up in a tree and the Clayton Fire Department had to come and rescue it.

Jungle gym-the metal bars that we used to play on as kids day in and day out. I don't think that they are permitted on playgrounds anymore. Same can be said of monkey bars.

Drink coffee and it'll stunt your growth. Look at Carol!-yes, Cootie is a tad on the shorter side.

Remember, I got all my medical training out of that 59 cent medical book I gave you-what Grandma refers to and why she is correct when she gets sick.

While being checked in the ER after being asked a question about having black lung: No idea what it is, but I do have this ganglion cyst on my finger. Know how to get rid of it? Just put your finger in the window and slam that sucker down!

Who is going to take care of the animals? I don't need to stay here; I am fine-a 59 cent reason why she should not stay in the hospital.

Slick ice-just ice. Which, by its very nature is meant to be slick.

Sal's-shorthand and a Willie-ism for the Save-a-Lot stores.

Swing set-the place where as a kid, I would spend hours and hours and hours on (and occasionally jump out of the swing over the BIG hill in which I swang over).

Money burnin' a hole in yer pocket or what?-in other words, you have money that is going to lead you in to buying something you can't live without!

Fiddler crabs-every time I heard this as a kid, I envisioned these crabs on the ocean either fiddling farting around doing nothing "Like Grandpa does all day" or if they were really elite and agile, they rosined up their bow and played so the Devil could never reach their souls.

You probably just have a winker in yer eye is why it hurts so bad, stop crying 'bout it-some things are easy to tell a child to stop doing and some are not. To this day, I hate when an errant eye-lash ends up in ma eye (although I guess that is better than my soup or my ass)

I slam the window down on my wrist as hard as I can and I smash those things you get in your wrist; no need to bother going to the doctor for it.

You eat all that sugar, you're just going to get hyper and your mom'll be pissed at me-IDK, nothing sounds good to eat anymore since my surgery. Doubt I'll get hyper; in fact I could use some hyper!

Let 'em eat it and then we will go to a funeral-I am assuming whatever this was in reference to, it was more than likely outdated.

Light fixtures-ya know, like tit lamps?

Bill should put his snake in his pants when he goes out, undo the zipper and have it's head come out of his fly!-and give someone who absolutely hates snakes (see Leave in reptile house) a fucking heart attack?

Boy have I got a story to tell you! Carl (my youngest nephew) followed me into the bathroom and showed me his train. While he was doing that, he got my toilet paper for me and was going to wipe my ass! Afterwards, he goes, "Wash hands! Wash hands!"-give this kid a hand! He isn't even 2 years old and he knows how to break the chain of infection!

While my eldest nephew Logan is at Grandma's for Easter:

Logan: "Grandma why are you going outside?"

Grandma: "So I can catch the Easter Bunny!"

Logan: "Why do you want to do that?"

Grandma: "Because that little shit has been bad!"

You hadn't better be on the phone while ou're driving!-how do you think I am talking to you now? Phone is not in my hands; I am using the dash!

Now just what in the hell am I going to do with an electrical outlet back there? (in the back of her new Jeep). Plug in ma coffee pot?-I am not sure but I have never seen anything like that before in any of these new cars. I suppose you could if you felt the need to lug around Mr. Coffee...

Gag a maggot-something that smells so awful, one could keel over and puke

One time, Grandma and I went to the Adrian Mall for some X-mas shopping. This was back in the early 90s when Reebok Pumps were the thing. As we walked by Foot Locker, I told Grandma I wanted a pair of pumps. Her response? Well, I can take you to Pinney's and buy you a pair of pumps if you want them that bad. I am thinking red would be your color (little did I know, she was referring to heels. I never asked her for a pair of pumps again! *Facepalm*).

Sketch pad-one of those books that has a lot of different things you can do in it except well, sketch

It's against the Amish to have their pictures taken-then why in the hell do I keep feeling the need to take one (or 300) when we go to places like Shipshewana?

Get up at the ass crack of dawn-this is one thing I won't be doing for a while, seems I have two "cracks" at the moment....

When you kids get older, you will not want to come and spend the holidays with Grandpa or I; it is a fact of life. You will all have your own families to tend to and your husband or wife's family to meet-ironically, she is correct. I always used to pray that things like this would never ever happen in our family but she is right about the evolution of becoming adults. About the part of not wanting to see her or Grandpa, that does not hold true for me-believe me if I could have today, November 18, 2018 went to our annual Sunday before Thanksgiving ritual, I would have however, I still have a hole that I am packing just above my anus from my 38th birthday present this year and I cannot tolerate sitting for long periods of time. I guess when she said these words all those years ago I thought perhaps she was lying about people slowing drifting out of their grandparents lives; it seemed unfathomable and I could feel a sense of sadness each time she said it. I am very protective of my grandparents even though I am sure you think this book says otherwise with all the things Grandma has said over the course of my 38 years of being on this Earth; they are my stress relief valve while I am their granddaughter first and nurse second (I can be a little humorous too!). The world today needs more of John and Willie ("John and Willie; we sound like a bunch of queers") and less violence and hate.

Grandma, her Park Avenue and Picket Fences

When I decided to work on this book, I did not think it would be complete without a paper I had written the fall semester of my senior in high school for college English. For this particular assignment, if my memory serves me correct, we had to compose a paper on something to do with our family. Considering my awkward sense of humor, I thought it would be appropriate to include Danger: My Grandparents Are on the Road in this piece of work. It goes into a shallow depth of my grandma's love for her Park Avenue and almost everything that happened to it while under their ownership. Please keep in mind, this was written when I was seventeen, meaning my now expansive vocabulary was practically nonexistent (although thesaurus use may be indicated in some portions). The story goes something like this:

As Americans, we strongly feel that owning an automobile is an essential ingredient for our growing lifestyles. After all, these machines enable human beings to travel at ease, be it through commuting to the worksite, school, or taking a relaxing vacation somewhere in remote North Dakota (to this day, I remember Grandma saying she never took a vacation to North Dakota; had to explain that this was put in here to help with the flow of things).

Back in the late 1890's, Henry Ford created and assembled the first functioning automobile. Little did he know, he had formed a stepping stone for other automobile giants. Today, more than a century after achieving this goal, corporations such as Ford Motor, Chrysler, and General Motors are in fact producing millions of these magnificent (and albeit now extremely complicated) inventions every day in order to keep up with the demand of cars needed to survive.

For the past nineteen years (at the time this paper was written), John and Willodean have resided in a urine yellow house plotted perpendicular to a dirt brown garage, evergreen pasture and a creek that had a river run through it when the blizzard of 1996 came to Michigan. My grandparents are located approximately a mile and a half from Rome Road (not Romer Road like I initially thought it was as a kid) and about six miles from Devils Lake, a quaint maritime community divided in half by both Round and Devils Lake.

Grandpa was the proud owner of his business, Scott's Auto Service where he fixed all sorts of automobile anomalies. Grandma, as previously stated, worked for Klein Tools in Jonesville, Michigan, producing equipment for the rapidly growing and evolving telecommunications industry. Together, their yard used to be covered with about seven or eight cars: ones that were waiting to be repaired or grandpa bought for spare parts. John and Willodean at one time owned three of the eight: a royal blue Ford F250 manual transmission pickup truck Gramps used to use as a wrecker; a silver Ford Econoline van Carol once drove around the fair circuit; and how could I forget the burgundy Buick Park Avenue? Over the course of a sixteen year period that combination of vehicles has changed all except for the Park Avenue.

Personally, I hate any vehicle manufactured by General Motors. I do not know why, after all, my parents once owned a brown Buick car (that I almost puked in after eating too many sweet pickles one Thanksgiving 26 years ago) and Grandma used to drive around a bubble gum orange Pontiac Grand Prix way back in the 1980s. For the longest time, my siblings and I had gotten used to seeing orange tear down Baseline Road when she and Gramps came to visit. In February 1988, that all came to an abrupt end.

During January 1988, John and Willodean paid numerous visits to car dealerships in order to find the so-called "perfect car." They browsed at cars lying along the road at people's houses and everywhere in between Adrian, Stockbridge and Toledo, Ohio. Finally after a month of searching and inspecting, my grandparents found what they had been seeking out and it had been under their noses the entire time.

Mann Buick used to be one of five automobile dealerships in Adrian Michigan. Once located across the street from Meijer on US-223, the place was easily accessible. In February, my grandparents had given up all hope in finding that "perfect car" so they decided to give these people a try. Lo and behold, as if a blessing from God the Scotts had found thee car: a two-door burgundy Buick Park Avenue. By this time I am certain my grandfather was jumping up and down in the parking lot screaming, "Hallelujah! She finally found a car!"

That night, grandma went back to her home on Skinner Highway (spelled, per her S-K-I-double N-E-R) and phoned my mother, who at the time, still had that crap brown Buick of ours sitting in the drive. Mom warned her of all the trouble the McGauleys Buick had given them to which Grandma replied, "Nah,it's all in your head. This Park Avenue is a beauty."

A month later, my grandparents ended up having to put money into the car to fix the transmission. My mother tried to tell them...

Once the transmission was repaired, my grandparents felt the Park Avenue was safe enough to be running the roads from Clayton to Jonesville to Stockbridge and back. So far so good, but the question now became "How long would this last?"

For some odd reason, Grandma has the potential to lay the pedal to the metal. At the time this paper was written, she was sixty-two and drove like a deputy-sheriff in hot pursuit (in 2013 she still does; I see where I get that from). Lenawee County is the Native American term for "The land of rolling hills," however, grandma still flies over them at 80 miles per hour, commonly scaring the passengers to the point their knuckles are white. The other day, I found myself hanging on for dear life and praying the sheriff would show up somewhere between Rome Road and her house.

Thanks in part to my grandmother's erratic driving, the grill on the Park Avenue managed to get eliminated through a random thirty-point buck collision. It is now 1991. This Park Avenue must be made of some very high grade steel as the deer only took out the radiator and a turn signal. How does she do it? Grandma drives like a mad lady down this road at zero dark thirty, runs over a four-legged creature and walks away with a slight fender bender. Poor Grandpa, having to wait until 9am to call up Decker Insurance...

It is now 1993 and the Park Avenue is currently under its fifth year of ownership by Mr. and Mrs. John Scott. Over the course of short period of time, it underwent a transmission repair and survived a car-deer collision. Things are going along like they should or aren't they?

The time has come once again for bloodthirsty hunters to chase out those little ringed neck aviators called pheasants. The story is similar: my grandmother is once again driving like a crazy person. Same Park Avenue, same Willodean flying over rolling hills at 5am on her way into work. Only this time around, a pheasant wins the category of smashing the grill. Wildlife two, grandparents zero.

Decker and Sons Insurance Agency is located on Main Street in Addison, Michigan. This is the place where my grandparents (as well as myself once I was older and out on my own) purchase their car insurance from. By this juncture in time, Mr. Decker and his colleagues had already fixed the Scotts Park Avenue thanks in part to a deer who crossed the road at the wrong time and well today, they once again had to shell out money to fix what I used to call a piece of junk. In present day 2013, I just laugh at all this, thinking about all the memories made in that car: the threat of being dropped off at the cemetery, me writing on the back seat my adoration of a guy I went to junior high school with, the mad rushes back home from Adrian on a Friday night, Boxcar Willie tapes, Estee Lauder perfume-the list goes on and on. Imagine how happy Mr. Decker must have been when he got word about another wildlife mishap involving my grandparents' car.

Maybe it was just a dreadful coincidence, but after Grandma hit the male pheasant, the clear coat started to fall off the Buick. According to Grandma, Grandpa called the insurance company to see if the incident surrounding the pheasant would pay for the car to get entirely repainted. Mr. Scott lost that plan from underneath him. Grandma told me when I was writing this paper that if she had her way about it, "I would have fought a little harder so the car would look as if it came off the dealer lot."

December, 1995: everyone worldwide is in the Holiday spirit and a vast majority of the American public can be found in JC Penney's or Sears, frantically shopping around for the perfect gift for that special someone. Unfortunately, my grandma is in a different kind of rush: going to work at Klein Tools on a Friday morning. Again, she is running around like a chicken with its head cut off caused either by those fifty cups of pure black coffee or the anticipation of seeing Tom Skerritt in that night's episode of Picket Fences at 10pm. Who knows? This is my iron-stripping obsessive grandmother we are talking about.

Whatever the reason may be for the anxiousness, grandma left her house on S-K-I-double N-E-R Highway that evergreen and frigid morning driving with the same behaviors that resulted in previous wildlife collisions. This Friday morning would be different though, as the caffeine gave her an unbelievable buzz and an itch to drive a little faster.

Like all the times before, this unfortunate event was more likely the result of a high rate of speed. No grandma did not run over a Holstein cow standing in the middle of the road, rather it was a stocky built piece of venison, much, much larger than the one encountered four years prior.

Grandpa was up and packing for the Florida trip he was taking to spend with Carol. At around 6am, he gotten the dreaded phone call that said, "John, you better call up Deckers."

"Call Deckers?Why?," grandpa asked.

"Oh I hit another damn deer!" replied grandma.

At 7am, Gramps drove his big, bad Ford wrecker truck over to North Adams so he could pick up the deer damaged Buick. I know my grandfather was not a happy person during the course of all this. A few days after the sad, sorry time, they came up to our house to visit. When they pulled into our driveway, I could see the Park Avenue was in terrible shape, with the center of the hood severely bent in. I walked out to get a closer look.

As I walked around the front of the car, I asked, "Did you have a little fender bender?"

"A fender bender? I'd call that a hood bender and an insurance mayhem!" Grandpa exclaimed.

Of course, grandma had to pipe in: "You just wait until it happens to you, Mandy."

And believe me it did. Twice. The first time happened one morning while I was on my way to school in the middle of the dark. I was probably going 45 miles per hour down Morton Road at the time when out of nowhere, a deer jumped out in front of me and my Mercury Topaz, taking out a turn signal. The rest of that day, I was running on adrenaline, thinking my dad was going to kill me. The time after that I was not so lucky. Again it was dark out, except this time, I was on my way into work at the hospital in Jackson. Driving down Manitou Beach Road, I had seen three deer along the berm. Here is where it gets weird: after I seen those deer, I remembered a coworker of mine saying she hit a deer once while coming to work and she still went in. I had an honest conversation with myself: If I hit a deer, would I still go into work? Not even fifteen minutes later, that is precisely what happened, ironically out in front of what used to be my grandpa's garage. Deer totaled out my Ford Contour five years to the day I had bought it and four months to the day I had paid it off. If that is not maddening.

Then there was the time someone blew through a yellow caution light at the corner of Lake Lansing and Hagadorn Roads in May 2008. At the time, I had a job as a home health care nurse and was on the way to go see a patient. Just as I went through the intersection, the light changed; a woman with a competing home care agency heading west was not paying attention and completed a left turn three seconds before I got to the intersection. To make a long story short, I ended up going to the hospital via ambulance because my airbags (yes both) went off and the driver side one hit directly on my left forearm. What I had did, bracing for the impact, was put my arm up to protect my face as I have seen in forensic nursing books what sort of damage airbags can cause when they deploy. I must have more strength that I thought as the airbag did not even push my arm back and I did not hit myself in the face. Immediately, my arm from the hand up to the elbow had swollen at a rate I had never seen in all my life. Needless to say, that entire incident gave me a ride to the hospital with lights and sirens on. On the way there, I called Decker's Insurance and explained to them what happened (Grandma had given me a private cell phone number to the owner); they came the following day and assessed the damage. At first, there were talks of totaling the truck all out considering it had 135,000 miles on the odometer (which ironically was the same as my Contour when the deer got a hold of it. Even more so, like the time before, I had put brand new tires on. The joke in my family is Amanda McGauley: do not buy new tires at 135,000 miles). Like my grandmother before me (as you will read shortly), I had done everything I could think of to avoid totaling out a truck not even completely paid for. Thankfully, the $800 in new tires had brought it just under the totaling out threshold. Eight years after purchasing it, I still will not trade it for nothing. In fact, I take it to the shop I experience sort of a separation anxiety when it is gone for any number of days. I am just as bad as Bella when I work three to four twelve hour shifts in a row.

I have always felt safer riding with Gramps than with Grandma; he does not drive 80 miles per hour down roads with steep hills and is very cautious for the most part. During the summer of 1997, I had to rethink those thoughts.

August 1997: John, Willodean, Carol and her grandchildren piled into the Park Avenue with the original intent on shopping at the Adrian Wal-Mart. Going south on Skinner Highway, grandma spotted one of my cousins coming down the road and told Grandpa to make a U-turn (which is illegal in the State of Michigan) on Forrister Road. Just as Gramps was upon the completion of this felonious act, an older couple driving a Cadillac ran into the left side of the beloved Park Avenue.

The impact shook the car, horrifying the occupants all while pulling off the Park Avenue's bumper and scraping it along the driver side of the Cadillac. Soon after, the sheriff department arrived on scene asking their often irritating question s. Being the Christian man he is, grandpa dropped the cards stating the accident was his fault and he DID NOT, under any circumstances, need to make a U-turn. Apparently, the deputy thought this was a good story and opted out of ticketing both drivers.

Grandpa again called Decker Insurance and told them the entire truth behind the accident as if he had been under oath (remember, Grandma cannot tolerate people who lie). The insurance company strongly felt the car was in disrepair and suggested it be completely totaled out. Grandma sure as hell did not want to do that and ended up buying it back from the insurance agency. She also made absolute sure grandpa duct taped the bumper back on and wired every piece of fiberglass back in their respective places. Presently, it has come out of the garage after being stored for 15 years and sits in their yard (as seen below). I am pretty sure it still smells like grandma's perfume she wears and there is more than likely a Boxcar Willie tape in the tape deck. It is not as if you can exactly get rid of a potent Estee Lauder scent. Although...a few years of being holed up in a garage can make it go away.

My Grandparents Bay Window: A Poem

This was another assignment of mine I had to do for either my College English or American Literature class in high school. It is a poem about life as viewed through my grandparents' bay window they had at their other house.

My grandparents' immense, bay window sets on the west side of their house

It holds a lot of memories of my life

It is always open, open to the world.

When I open up the long, tapering curtains, my mind leaves reality and flows back to ten years ago (1987).

Their creek is all murky now, and to think it was once beautiful enough to go swimming in.

The maple trees that were once short so I could climb are now taller than me and reach up to the sky.

As I look at the hot cement, I can picture my cousin and I riding our big wheels fast down the big Hill that leads to the rocky driveway.

The sound of the wind takes me away,

To the memories of grandpa fixing a car.

I can hear the clanging of him doing a tune up,

And the rumbling of the air compressor he left running.

Beyond the clanging, the laughter of little kids fills the air.

I can identify them easily, over the crackling of the big wheels of the steaming cement.

Intermingled in these noises, is these extremely repetitious noise.

It sounds so faint at first, then gets louder and closer. I turn to see that it is an orange object, a Basketball being bounced.

Suddenly, I can remember the scents.

The green grass allows me to smell the wonderful aroma of it.

It reminds me of how all us grandkids used to throw it at each other and get into trouble for getting it into our clean hair.

The wind directs a scent of pine my way,

And takes me back to when I broke off the branches.

When I look at the creek,

I can smell the scent of a beautiful crisp river.

Oh, how it smells rich and blue with a lot of sunshine.

Amid the creek sets some of grandma's flowers,

Which sets the scene for a sunny July day.

She planted them all along the house and the creeks shoreline.

As I walk, my mind back up to the yard,

I can smell the scent of sun baked oil that was dumped on the boiling hot cement by grandpa.

Gasoline and grease come together to form a scent that belongs to a garage.

My mind now wanders over to the maple tree and gives me a picture of how I grasped the smooth, gray surface when I climbed it.

It carries me over to the pine tree.

I touch it and it pricks me hard, hard enough I scream.

When I look out this window,

I can see myself in the grass, barefoot.

It was mowed short, real short,

Which makes it tickle my soft skin on my feet.

I then decide to vividly walk over to the cement and step on a hot spot.

I can feel the hot sun on the cement against my soft feet-OUCH!

The greenness of the grass fills my mouth,

and it tastes like a bunch of dead weeds.

In my mouth I can taste the sugary, syrupy taste of the maple tree I climbed on.

Oh how it tastes so weird.

The water in the creek is saying "Drink me."

So I vividly walk down and drink this blue water

I imagine that I did,

Oh yuck! it tastes like mud and dead fish!

I can picture my life if I didn't look out this window.

Oh how I wouldn't have had the memories

of me and my childhood to look back on.

I don't think I would make it in a world that is isolated.

But I will always remember that, this window will be open, open to the world.

I used to spend hours upon hours down at the creek with my cousins growing up

