 
### Love Drops

by

seun odukoya

SMASHWORDS EDITION

* * * * *

PUBLISHED BY:

seun odukoya on Smashwords

love drops

Copyright © 2015 by seun odukoya

Thank you for downloading this free ebook. Although this is a free book, it remains the copyrighted property of the author and may not be reproduced, scanned, or distributed for any commercial or non-commercial use without permission from the author. Quotes used in reviews are the exception. No alteration of content is allowed. If you enjoyed this book, then encourage your friends to download their own free copy.

Your support and respect for the property of this author is appreciated.

This book is a work of fiction and any resemblance to persons, living or dead is purely coincidental. The characters are productions of the author's imagination and used fictitiously.

Well, for the most part.

From a little room. In my house.

Somewhere In Lagos.

8th of February 2015

1:27am

My Dearest One,

Yes. I mean you.

I try to imagine your state – I mean your ambience; your feeling as you read this. If I know you well (which I tell myself I do), you're sitting up in bed, ignoring the noisy backdrop from screaming generators – or maybe generators are reserved for engineering plants and whatnots where you are – reading this and smiling _that_ smile; you know, the one you smile when you're all alone in your world, away from prying and judgmental eyes. _That smile_ that makes even you; the 'smiler' blush.

Well. It tickles to think you're smiling for me. Really.

Do you remember how we met?

Wait a moment. Are you sure? I'm convinced it was on Naijastories o.

You saw a link on Twitter – or was it Facebook? Oh – someone mentioned the blog? For Days and a Night? Saving Dapo?

Or is this our first time?

No matter. We have a ways to go before this ends; you and I.

I recall; I remember the first words you ever said to me – the first time you got personal with anything I've ever done. I cannot recreate or capture the words here, but if I was to simply sum them, they would read something along the lines of:

You write beautifully.

I must have stared at your tweet/comment/post for hours because I found it beguiling to say the least. What exactly do I write that would make someone like you create time and space in your heart and head for someone like me?

That was – that is _mind-bending_.

And you didn't stop there – no. You couldn't wait to show me off to your friends, your family – and people – whoever whenever wherever – whoever was willing to listen got an earful – or eyeful – of how amazing you think I – or my writing – is.

I see your eyes shining with pride in me and my work.

I cannot lie. It chokes up my throat and warms my heart. And me, a mere farm boy from Ijebu – Ode.

And no lie; just as most every relationship, we've had our questionable not-so-cool moments. Like when I messed up For Days and A Night with typos. Like how I forgot to give you the sequel to Songs About AIDS – after you were patient enough to wait a whole year. Like how I still haven't given you the rest of A Matter Of Height. Or how I didn't send out Saving Dapo when I said I would.

Sigh. My infidelities and insecurities as far as this relationship is concerned are endless.

But you don't seem to mind. You stay with me in spite of myself.

That's crazy.

I have decided; however to stop worrying and wondering about whatever it was I did to make you choose me – and make you stay with me. I have decided to simply stay doing what I know best – keep getting better at being me. Giving you the best me available in any and every reality; be as the rarest and finest of wines. And maybe; just maybe – we would have found something; something that gives just a bit more shine to your smile, a little more bounce to your walk, plenty more sparks to your mind and more hope to your heart...

And maybe we would have created our own small bubble of sanity in a world gone bonkers.

Or maybe I'm reaching too far.

But I know; we have now. And more often than not – 'now' is all that is necessary, so let us go into the next chapter of our relating.

I hope; in spite of everything, that you still trust me enough to give me your hand.

And if you don't; well – I understand. I will, however be waiting on the other end, nervously hopping from foot to foot, chewing on fingernails, lips and gums, hoping I got this one right. Hoping I somehow did not mess it up like I seem to have a penchant for – and hoping; that once again I got you to smile _that_ smile for me.

You know the one I'm talking about right?

Right.

For always...

I remain.

Your writer.

Seun.

First Published in Nigeria 2015

love drops copyright 2015

all rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted in any form by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, scanning or otherwise except for brief quotations in critical reviews or articles, without either the prior written permission of the publisher or author.

odukoya, seun

love drops

**love drops, the love drops logo** and all related media are properties of **underline media/block 20 media/blacktext publishing**.

all rights reserved

love drops

directed by **seun odukoya**

blacktext publishing nigeria

2015

design/layout – **ope aluko**

art directors – **seun abioye/samuel achema/olalekan 'lexain' akinyele/seun odukoya**

line editor/copy director – **ayokunle moore**

strategist/manager – **ife olatunji**

hr/pa/associate creative director – **ogechi nwobia**

cover design/love drops logo design – **samuel achema**

cover photography – **oluchi ozoemenam**

contents

for you .i

title pages .ii

were .iii

a killer type of love .iv

daddy's gehl .v

for want of a child .vi

remembering/my valentine .vii

me and her .iix

love interstate/soliloquy .ix

on the lagoon front .x

I dare to call her mother .xi

what would you do/quiet storm .xii

labels .xiii

to be man .xiv

absolution/brave .xv

acknowledgments .xvi

## Were – A Madwoman and Mr. Perpetual

We see her there all the time –on our way out in the morning and on our way back in the evening. She has become a neighborhood symbol; almost like Iya Bankuli the akara seller, or Baba Bolu, the buka man – or even SuperBuy; the neighborhood supermarket. It isn't strange to hear someone give directions to their house thus;

"As you turn left for that last junction, you go come sojourn straight small – till you reach another junction where you see one kain fine mad woman. Branch right there..."

She is one mad woman, the likes of which we have never seen. For one thing, she is beautiful by any standards. Tall too, with a carriage that makes her tattered rags look royal. Her hair is matted and dirt-streaked, but the tightly-weaved endings tell a different story from what other parts of her suggest.

Ever seen a madwoman do laundry?

No wait. Scratch that.Ever see a madwoman have her bath?

We have never actually seen that happen either –but she and the small makeshift shack she lives in beside Abule-Oja junction are always clean.

Raggedy, but clean.

Her hands remain spotless and well-groomed – well; but for the jagged edges that adorn her nails like clear nail polish. Even the scratched bands on the fourth finger of her left hand somehow retain their dignity. Her hands are soft; so soft it is hard to imagine how she ended up the way she is.

She had suddenly showed up one early evening, as normal as the rest of us. Even before she'd started pulling her hair and making high-pitched keening sounds, she had been the cynosure of a lot of random eyes – simply because a beautiful light-skinned woman is not one hard to look at. Not on Lagos streets anyway.

So people had been staring at her the moment she appeared on the street, carrying nothing but a black poly-bag; one of those kinds that leave a silvery stain on your hand after use. The black bag served as color-balance for the red and yellow gown that rippled and danced as she walked. And even her walk evoked many a sigh from jealous women and hungry men.

She was walking like someone who was headed somewhere, not hurrying, just taking a leisurely walk. People were staring – she was turning heads all the way – but she paid no attention.

She did not notice.

The first indication that all wasn't right was the abrupt way she sat down on the plank that bridged the gutter in front of the vulcanizer's stand. She sat there on the filthy plank; gown riding up her legs a little to show a well-turned ankle and the thing strip of gold that glittered therein – and she hugged her knees. And then she started to pull her freshly-braided hair and make keening "uh uhuh" noises.

The name 'fine gehl madwoman' stuck.

Of course, some folks thought she was just pretending – you know; like she was forming madness and was really in Magboro to steal children. A quick search of the nylon revealed a purse filled with new one thousand naira notes and something else; a picture that made the neighborhood residents leave her alone.

But we never saw her as 'one of us'. Not till that night.

Remember that night in rained in February? No; that night it stopped blowing hot for the whole night; that night it was as though God turned on ACs from heaven? That was the night 'fine gehl' shocked us. Finally shocked us out of our apathy.

How?

There's this large ditch in the middle of Martins Crescent; a ditch that usually is filled with water whenever it rains – a ditch that looks as if a kid pushed his finger into the unmarked surface of fresh-made pap. Unfortunately; because Martins is the only access point for several other side-streets, nights like that rainy one are usually a traffic nightmare – vehicles honking, drivers screaming at each other –

It is indeed; a trauma-inducing picture.

That night in February was no exception.

The rain; if you remember – was quite vicious. It beat down on car and house roofs with the same intensity, pounding on human heads and shoulders, wresting umbrellas from cold-numbed hands. It was not the kind of night NEPA should do what they do best – but then; it was probably for the best.

On Martins Crescent it was business as usual. Cars inched their ways through the dense curtain of rain, through the ditch – and onto their various homes. The traffic was crazy – as always – but at the end of the day, they all made it through.

Which is why it was extra-strange, to the early risers to see the rear-end of a pink-colored SUV sticking out of the ditch on Martins Crescent the following morning. Within moments, the scene had become as populated as Oshodi on a sunny afternoon – because the car was a local celebrity.

Everyone knew who it belonged to.

Some of the early risers drove on, heading to work through rain-drenched streets – but others stopped to ask questions and were informed the driver of the car; a Mr. Perpetual was missing.

He was not in the wreckage.

Within moments, a search party had been organized. Mr. Perpetual was popular – thanks to the ghastly color of his vehicle. People came into the streets, searching the gutters and the canal for a body or at least any sign that a man had passed through those places. But it was an arduous; almost impossible task.

People had no idea where to look.

It was almost midday and people had started returning to their homes – some to work; despair on their faces, despair and pity for Mrs. Perpetual,Chisom, Chuka and Ike Perpetual; feet dragging reluctantly, hands scratching heads – when a shout was raised from Abule-Oja junction. People who were headed home suddenly turned about and ran towards the street – hope fueling adrenaline through their veins.

And as they came in sight of a shack – the one shack at Abule-Oja junction – a shack that stood out from the row of houses like a sore thumb; surprise slowed their feet.

Mr. Perpetual; disheveled-looking but alive, naked from the waist up, was sitting on the edge of the gutter, arms around himself. The white bandage that wrapped his shiny bald head stood out starkly – as did various plasters that adorned his lean torso. Beside him, crooning soothingly was someone who was to become the icon of Abule-Oja junction.

The madwoman.

Mr. Perpetual's story – when he was finally able to share it sounded like something from a Nollywood movie. He had arrived Martins Crescent much later that night having stayed back at work to elude traffic – the streets were empty at that time. Due to the water-covered surface of Martins, he had assumed he was yet to get to the ditch. Suddenly he had run into it, his windscreen was smashed – and he was slowly drowning.

Somewhere along the line, he'd passed out.

He had woken up at some point, shaking from fever – but somehow he had been warm. All he knew was he saw a very beautiful woman in his fever; and she had cared for him.

We didn't have to look far for the 'beautiful woman'.

The story is still told in hushed tones; around Iya Bankuli the akara seller's fire, or at Baba Bolu's buka, at SuperBuy; the neighborhood supermarket and at Wombo's Viewing Centre – the latest addition to our small town. It is told and laughed at – how a madwoman saved the banker's life; but whenever the listeners and the tellers disperse from wherever the story was being told, they would walk past the shack at Abule-Oja junction, their raucous laughter hushed, their footsteps muffled, their heads bowed in respect – and they would wonder; how mad a woman who would brave a storm to save a man's life really was.

And Mr. Perpetual?

He made it his life's work to find the woman's family – the woman's husband and two children; the only objects in the photo she carried asides herself. Last time we checked he was still searching – he didn't even have a name to go on – but he does not look like he is giving up anytime soon. And we all 'oohhh' and 'aahhh' and hope and pray that he finds them.

And we thank God for His gentle reminder. And for hope.

## A Killer Type of Love – Him and Her

_I shouldn't have left you;_ he mumbled quietly, mouth mashed against her sweaty chest, right hand dancing up and down her naked back slowly; like a sensual shiver.

She shuddered. _I don't care about that. You came back, didn't you?_

His smile was a slash of white in the almost-dark room. _I didn't have a choice,_ he whispered right next to her ear. She nodded and pushed against him as though trying to get through a wall.

What do you want to do now? Is it over?

He thought about that, ignoring the steady hum of the AC. Could he actually say that in all honesty – that it was over? His reaching fingers brushed hair away from her face, and showed clearly the worry there, as clear as the pimples that punctuated the otherwise-smooth sides of her jaw. He clenched his teeth.

Yes, it is. Nobody saw you leave, did they?

She closed her eyes, enjoying the cool of his fingers against her temple and thought about what he'd asked; thought about it long and carefully. She remembered the bright red Golf that had spent quite a while beside her hostel – she remembered seeing same Golf at the motor park.

But she hadn't seen it since she got here – and it had been two days. There was no need to worry him needlessly.

No; nobody saw me leave.

He grinned, looking all young and innocent and to her love-drenched eyes; heart-wrenchingly handsome.

_Then it is over,_ he said and kissed her – as they began to move, like so many nocturnal things in the darkness just outside their hotel-room door.

*********************************************************************************************

Their lovemaking was gentle and patient, a silent testament to the peace that had somehow unknotted the muscles in his shoulders and back, same peace that put some sort of undulating into her waist. They had never been the screaming type; a sigh here, a moan there, a word in between – but there had always been a kind of understanding; an interaction that shone through everything they did together – from ordinary conversing to sex.

It was...perfect. They went together like bread, agonyi beans and coke.

Suddenly, her limbs tightened against his; he ground his lips against her left shoulder; there was a frantic vibrating in the small of her back – and it was over.

A cat screamed in the distance.

*********************************************************************************************

I don't want to leave you.

_You do know we would look very conspicuous together,_ she said, caressing his jaw with a finger. _Besides, you would go faster if you went by yourself. Shebi it's just to use the ATM?_

He nodded. _ATM – and then to get us bus tickets._

You won't be long. Besides, I need to tidy up and pack. So go.

His eyes took her in; legs that seemed to start from heaven and end somewhere around where Eden was supposed to be, his grey t-shirt resting on heavy hips – t-shirt large enough to hide her tummy bulge but not the two hillocks that stood proudly on her chest, looking like they were actually part of the t-shirt...

To the small lips that were even now smiling at him, the cute little nose and eyes – eyes that gleamed with love – and he spent a moment wondering if he deserved that kind of devotion.

_You're so beautiful,_ he muttered huskily.

She lowered her eyes. _Go jo!_

He nodded and went out of the door, looking at his wrist watch.

6:11am.

*********************************************************************************************

There was a smile on his face as he rounded the corner and hailed one of the okadas lazing just ahead of him. He bent his head to confer with the man – and because of that, he missed the vehicle that eased past the bike and into the street he'd just stepped out of.

Not that it would have made any difference if he had noticed the vehicle – all he would have seen was a bright red Golf.

He hopped on the okada and it zoomed off.

*********************************************************************************************

She was fully dressed and was carefully folding the last of his clothes in the backpack, whistling Asa's _Ife_ as much as she could from between smiling lips – when the soft knock came.

He shouldn't be back this early.

But that didn't stop her rushing towards the door and opening it –

A heavy slap knocked her against the sofa and she hit it hard, screaming softly as something gave way in her right side. She slid off the back of the sofa and to the floor.

Through a red-tinted haze, she saw three – no, four black clothed forms walk through the door, carrying all sorts of weapons. One of them closed the door softly while the one nearest her held his forefinger against his lips.

_He's not bad looking_ , she thought to herself, holding her side and feeling wet stickiness run down into her jeans. It was a familiar stickiness, the kind she used Always for once every month.

_Where is he?_ He had removed his finger from his mouth and was now glowering at her.

She shook her head slowly and he frowned. Red spots went off in his eyes – red spots that seemed to push her back – and she knew; as factually as she knew her name, she had seen her boyfriend for the last time.

They stood by the door staring – and then 'Red Eyes' waved the others around, while he sat on the sofa and lit a cigarette.

The room suddenly dimmed and brightened – she was feeling light-headed, and then realized that the stickiness flowing down her side had thinned out and was moving quite sluggishly. Blinking foolishly, it occurred to her that her boyfriend would probably be on his way back.

Fright gave life to her limbs, and through narrowed eyelids she watched the sofa-smoker while she fished for her phone from within her pocket. She found it, and using the sofa as a screen quickly typed a five-word message.

She had hit the send button when she sensed a presence in front of her. Looking up, she found herself staring into two eyes that glowed with the fires of hell. She didn't have much time –

The room had gone darker.

Mustering all the strength she had left, she smashed the phone against the corner of the table nearest her, satisfaction warming her heart as the solid frame of the phone collapsed in her hand. She even had time to hear the angry roar of sofa-smoker, had time to see his sneaker-covered right foot as it flashed towards her face...

The kick broke her neck.

*********************************************************************************************

He was on the queue for tickets when he felt his phone vibrate. At first he dismissed it, writing it off as an alert from his bank concerning the money he'd withdrawn roughly fifteen minutes ago. He was almost at the ticket grill when he remembered he'd already gotten the alert – an alert he'd read and deleted.

With that realization came worry, and he whipped out his phone, heart racing a mile a minute. He saw who the text was from, opened it –

And his worst fears became alive like tentacles, wrapping him in clingy arms of dread.

The text contained only five words, but they were enough to turn his life upside down;

Theyre here dont come back

He jumped out of the line and started running, running and screaming for a bike, screaming for a bike and wondering which was faster, his legs or the tears streaming down his face. A bike eventually stopped and he jumped on, yelling the name of the hotel.

But he knew.

*********************************************************************************************

She looked like she was sleeping.

In fact, but for the half-open door and the fact that she was lying on the floor, he would have thought she was sleeping.

He was kneeling beside her, calling her name before he saw the blood that made her look like she was wearing too much lipstick; lipstick that had dribbled down her mouth to stain her blouse at the neck.

He knelt there, his mind a fiery plain of white.

After a while he stood up, carried the backpack off the bed and walked out.

He was on a bus to Lagos, three hours later before he screamed for the first time.

## Daddy's Gehl – A Girl and Her Father

Something is not quite right. With me, that is.

I haven't thought about it much – the anticipation of seeing daddy again is overwhelming. I think I'm sick. I'm afraid I'm sick.

For now however, I won't tell daddy anything. He has this amazing ability to worry over the most mundane things. And I just want to spend time with him – without interruption.

I smile as I think about him – and the argument we're about to have.

But Daddy, I am eighteen!

You're still my baby girl.

I would look at him and smile, and then he would bend his head in that cute way he has.

My dad is a very handsome man. It's amazing he's stayed single for so long – five years after mum.

After mum –

It hurts. I cry myself to sleep many nights – but I hurt for him more. For many nights he would sit and stare out of the window, tears running down stiff cheeks. Nights I would want to go to him, and just cuddle like I used to –

But something – call it woman's intuition – tells me he needs to grieve by himself. So I leave him and cry myself to sleep.

I become aware of the plane's descent – look out the window at the Murtala Mohammed Airport grounds as it gradually comes closer – ready to welcome the plane with open arms.

I can't wait to see daddy again.

*********************************************************************************************

Lagos weather is just as hot and stifling as it was when I left five months and ten days ago. The heat rushes at me as I step off the plane and unto the tarmac, hugging me tight like a missing relative finally found.

Hmmm. I prefer daddy's hugs though.

He's right where I expect him to be; head bent, small frown marring his very smooth forehead. He's looking at something on his phone – but then he looks up and our eyes meet.

The smile that makes all sorts of lights go off wherever he is is reflected on my face – and I feel a swelling in the part of me reserved for very few special people in my life. I let my bags slip from my fingers and I run to him; this man who, along with a very special woman gave me life. His blue guinea-covered arms open – and as I enter his embrace, I know he hugs me with his arms but holds me in his heart.

My father.

_How's my little girl?_ He asks with a voice that trembles slightly. I know he's missed me too.

I'm fine daddy – but I'm upset!

He pushes his glasses up – and walks past me. I turn slightly, following him with my eyes as I wonder where he's going – and then I realize he's going to get the bags I discarded earlier.

I cover my face and he winks at me.

From the corner of my left eye I observe a woman observing my dad and I, displeasure heavy like mascara on her face. For a moment – I wonder why she's so angry –

Then it hits me. And I smile, evilly.

As my father approaches, I throw my arms around his neck and kiss his face repeatedly, watching the woman covertly. At the sight of her about to burst a gasket, I explode in laughter, daddy shaking his head beside me as we walk out.

*********************************************************************************************

Still upset?

The wood-pine-lemony smell of the BMW's interior threatens to chokes me with the rush of memories it unclasps – and I grip my dad's hand. He squeezes mine in return – only then do I realize he spoke to me earlier.

Upset?

I think for a moment – and then get his reference. _Yes daddy, I still am._

He looks concerned. _What did I do, princess?_

Dad, I am eighteen. I don't think I'm too young to drive a car. How old where you when you started driving?

He smiles – he smiles and I cannot be mad at him anymore. _You've been driving since you were sixteen,_ he reminds me gently. I squeeze his hand and reiterate; _Oh, you know what I mean jo!_

His face straightens. _Yes I do. And I think you should be a bit older before owning your own vehicle._ He faces me squarely, and I see why my mum always told me I reminded her of him – I see why she forgave and married him again.

We'll talk about this soon, okay?

I nod, feeling my chest tighten. I know we will – my dad does not go back on his words.

He starts to drive – and a totally different feeling assails me. The lightheadedness I have been battling most of last semester comes back, along with lassitude and fatigue. I think I'm running a fever sef.

Blaring horns jar me out of my apathy – and I raise my head to see daddy glaring at a danfo driver. The conductor, pants almost around his thighs is waving in a placating manner – trying to get my father to allow them space in front of his vehicle.

_Idiots,_ he mutters. _Try to bully me and when that doesn't work you resort to begging? Too late!_

I smile. I am indeed, back home.

*********************************************************************************************

I'm not hungry, dad.

Okay. Maybe that was not the best thing I could have come up with – but under such short notice –

_It was okay when you said that last night – I mean, we had that Coldstone Ice Cream and it was a lot, I admit. But now?_ He leans in close and palms my left cheek. _What is it? Are you sick?_

And then – a look similar to curtains opening descends on his face – and he asks me, with a voice that suddenly has the shakes; _Are you pregnant?_

*********************************************************************************************

_No, she's not pregnant,_ Doctor Bayo tells my dad. _In fact, there's nothing wrong with her – nothing I can see. Maybe she's just tired._

_See, daddy?_ I say, sitting up from the examination table. _I am fine!_

I can see he wants to argue. It's almost as though he is biting down on his tongue to keep from speaking. Finally he smiles at his friend, shakes his hand and turns to me.

I put my arms around his neck, rest my head against his chest and close my eyes, ignoring the worry I see in his. His heart pounds, reassuringly and I murmur, feeling sleepy; _Daddy, I'm okay. Don't worry, you hear?_

Something rumbles in the centre of my pillow – my dad's chest; I mean, and it is a while before I realize he's speaking.

  * _for you to say,_ he finishes. _You want to see a movie?_

I nod against his chest. _Yes please._

*********************************************************************************************

Annie is a goofy movie that has me in tears.

As we leave Ikeja City Mall cinema, dad has his arm around my shoulder, explaining to me that the Annie we just saw is a remake of a classic movie – he makes the case for Jay-Z's hit record Hard Knock Life; also based on a song from the musical. We swing by the KFC, pick up some burgers and fries and Pepsi – and we walk to the car; him talking animatedly, me listening interestedly.

It's a once-a-year wonder; my dad talking this way.

We get to the car and he opens the door for me to get in – something occurs to me. _Dad,_ I start as he enters through his side of the car.

_Yes?_ He responds distractedly, starting the car and powering down the windows so air can get in. In my excitement I hadn't realized just how stuffy the car had gotten. He waits for a while – while the car gets relatively cool; and then he powers the windows up and switches on the AC.

_Yes?_ He says again, turning towards me with a smile.

Are you still worried?

He shrugs. _It's not wrong for me to; you know. You're the only woman in my life –_

I wrinkle my nose. _We'll have to talk about that._

He nods. _Why do you think I brought it up?_

Humor has me shaking my head. Baba mi – always two steps ahead.

Impulsively I lean over and kiss his stubble-covered cheek. He grins widely, puts the car in gear and starts it moving. _I want to get to the office quickly, sweetheart. Do you mind?_

I frown at him and grab the larger of the two burgers. I suddenly feel really ravenous. Biting into it, I give him a sidelong glance, moaning softly as the cool creaminess that is mayonnaise hits my tongue.

God; I love KFC burger!

He's happy I'm eating and he says so. I continue to eat and he lapses into silence, concentrating on his driving. I chew the burger as my mind walks; also trying to solve the puzzle of why I am feeling the way I've been feeling.

I'm done with the burger, sucking the tips of my fingers while reaching in the bag for my Pepsi – as dad is talking about the ongoing political drama –

When everything falls in place.

I know what is wrong with me. I look at the man beside me; sure the surprise I'm feeling is clearly represented on my face.

Oh daddy, I'm in love. I met this boy...

## For Want Of A Child – Igho and Her Husband

"It was really good having you guys over. Really." Igo's eyes silently asked her husband _abi?_ and he nodded, kissing her on the nose.

"Thank you so much for coming – and bring the kids over next time. You know we love to have them always!"

Together they watched the Osagies' rear lights disappear over the landscape of their NEPA-abandoned street – the wailing and screaming of several generating sets providing theme music for the moment – and they turned and walked into their compound, arms still around each other.

"That was great, wasn't it? I always like to see Ese – and her husband? Cool guy."

Igo eased herself from her husband's arms and opened the door ahead of him. She stepped inside and waited for him to enter so she could close it after him, but he pulled the door out of her hand, closed it, shot the deadbolt and kissed her.

Chuckling, Igo kissed him back briefly and then leaned away – but he followed her, backing her into the wall beside the door and pressing insistent lips against her resistant ones.

"Hmm...baby..." she started – and inadvertently gave him access to her mouth.

He laughed loudly and she, sighing, threw her arms around his neck in surrender.

*********************************************************************************************

"Thank you, dear," Igo said, sipping wine from the glass he'd just handed her and allowing her shoulders sag into the chair. "So – what do you want to do next; watch TV or play Monopoly?"

He smiled, drained his glass and shook his head. "Those will be too distracting. I just want to hold my partner – my wife, my better whole and sing to her."

Igo smiled. "You've been doing that for ten years. Aren't you tired yet?"

Walking over, he started to speak. "You've been breathing for thirty-eight years; aren't you tired yet?" He stood beside her chair and stretched out a hand.

Placing her empty one in it, Igo set down the wine glass – and then allowed her husband pull her to her feet. She blinked in confusion for a moment as the lights dimmed – and then focused on his eyes as they stabilized again.

There was an intent gleam in them – a shine that made her heart sing and her ears heat up. She stood in front of him, as though mesmerized – and then closed her eyes as he leaned in and kissed her forehead softly.

"Happy tenth anniversary, sweetheart." He said.

She hugged him to herself, lay her head against his shoulder and mumbled; "Happy tenth anniversary, darling."

They stayed hugged up, swaying softly to music that played from the speakers of their hearts – music only they could hear but no less real. It was a really romantic moment –

And then the lights went dim again.

"What's wrong with that generator?" Igo said out loud.

Her husband stopped moving. "Wait her a moment, sweetness while I go check it out."

He kissed her cheek softly – and moved away, effectively creating a vacuum in her arms. She sat down on the floor beside the chair; amazed by the realization that she missed him.

She missed him already.

The lights flickered, went off – and then came back on, a little brighter. Almost immediately she heard the rattling of the door, smiled as the generator sounds became momentarily louder – and then faded out again.

"The plug was shaking in its socket – baby, what's wrong?"

The tears streaming down her cheeks were startlingly clear to him from the doorway.

Moving into the room, he crossed it in swift strides and knelt beside her chair, taking her hand in his. "What is it? What happened?"

She inhaled, drawing in a huge shuddering draught of air and then swallowing the sob that almost spilled out. And then burst into tears, throwing herself into his arms as he mumbled "It's okay" over and over again, soft tones at direct conflict with the confused look on his face.

*********************************************************************************************

"I'm sorry darling," her voice came from the depths of his right chest area.

He looked down – but could only see the top of her head. Leaning in, he kissed that gently, noticing a few whitening strands in the midst of the raven-black mass. He kissed her head again – and she moaned sadly and raised her face.

"Did I just do a number on your anniversary mood?"

He shook his head. "Everything will be right again – as soon as you tell me what inspired the flood."

She turned away but leaned into his arms. "Oh – it's – " she fell silent as he squeezed her softly, and she closed her eyes against still-leaking tears. "You know why Ese doesn't bring her kids here anymore, don't you?"

He cleared his throat. "Because they want to spare our feelings? They don't want us feeling awkward?"

The gentle up and down movement of her head told him he was right. "And it hurts so much," she spoke. "So much – it hurts when I see you look at their last one – when you carry her up...it hurts to see the pain in your eyes. It hurts to hear you cry in the bathroom..."

His arms tightened around her reflexively – but other than that, there was no sign he had heard. She sobbed softly.

"I can't help but feel it's my fault – even though I know doctor after doctor has given us both clean bills of health. I hate that I cannot give you the thing you want most – "

Gently but firmly, he turned her around and kissed the corner of her mouth. She trembled slightly as her arms found themselves around his shoulders – his quite comforting shoulders – and she kissed him back enthusiastically.

"How do you know it's the thing I want most? Have you ever asked me what I thought about the situation? Sure, it hurts at times – I feel so hurt that I may never know the joy of being called daddy; or the pain of watching my child fall and hurt himself – " he caught the look on his wife's face and added, " – or herself for the first time, it hurts more when I think of you.

"But I'm comforted. And happy – and fulfilled. I married the woman I love more than life itself – and I would like to think she married the man she loves more than anything else. I didn't marry you for children, Igo. And like someone in the good book said – "Am I not worth more to you than ten sons?"

She chuckled, wiping back tears and made to speak – but his quick kiss silenced her quite effectively and he continued. "It's been ten years. Ten years of ups and downs – ten years of it being just me and you. And you know what?"

She shook her head, spellbound by the lovingness in his eyes.

"Child or no, I can't wait for the next ten."

Igo snuggled against the warmth – against the security, love and happiness her husband represented. "See baby, I still ask myself how you choose me in the midst of all the girls who were hanging onto you then."

He shrugged. "Really? I had eyes only for you."

"You do say the sweetest things – "

He shook his head. "You make it easy for me, darling." He leaned in close till her eyes, nose, ears – everything was full of him – and then he said,

"Happy Anniversary sweetheart."

She would have answered too – except that her lips were quite busy.

## Remembering – Random Memory

I went there again today o.

That place – that 'us' place at Elegushi Beach – the first place I ever took you to – remember?

Yeah, I went there.

I don't know – maybe I was trying to find a memory of you – a lingering; something to put a fresh angle to the way I've been feeling lately.

Honestly, I don't understand it.

I questioned it as I sat in the Keke that took me; bumping and sliding on the sand, maneuvering between coming and going vehicles; headlights stabbing the dark like evil eyes – questioned whatever it was that was pushing me back there.

There was no answer – at least, none I could hear.

Soon enough the Keke stopped; I came down and gave the Hausa driver the two hundred we agreed on.

His kola-stained teeth widened in a huge grin. "Na gode!" he said, over and over again as he rode away. I spent a moment, staring after him and wondering what his excitement was about. And then I turned away and slowly walked towards the beach, dread echoing each of my steps.

But then I stepped into the cool sand, watched a fresh wave surge towards excited children and grownups alike – and it came to me.

Calm.

I felt peace; because in that moment, I became one with you. Again.

And I realized why I came. Why I had to be here.

So I walked forward, walked past the dancing, selfie-taking, eating, horse-riding, hugging and so on bodies – got a face full of balloon and kite thread too – and followed the rock-riddled incline to the other side. The part of the beach mostly away from the lights, noise and activity.

The part reserved for lovers – or at least that's what we agreed.

I remember; I recall you kicking and kicking as the sand kept getting into your sandals; I remember your complaints – and I remembering biting my tongue to keep from asking you _what kind of idiot comes to the beach and does not expect to get sand on their feet?!_

But that probably wouldn't not have made great first date conversation – so I shut it.

I could not help the smile that curved the otherwise-flat line of my lips at the recalling of that memory. And then, the silly thing becomes sentient, widening as I remembered what you used to say about said smile:

Don't you have the cutest smile ever!

I'm doubled over in laughter, covering my face in embarrassment. I could see you, standing away, hands on round hips, lower lip stuck out as you mutter; _what is doing this one?_

A flash of white caught the corner of my eye and I turned towards it – an 'aladura' woman who was startled by my sudden outburst. I waved an apology to her while thinking how many demons she must have bound and cast for my sake.

That had me chuckling again.

And then – I spotted the first palm tree.

All sorts of sensations flooded me at once; my body hair started to rise in indignation, my ears became hot and my heart rate tripled. The memories; still as fresh as ever suddenly became incredibly vivid – like watching a color TV for the first time...

I lean against that tree and watch you dance.

I watch you move – move your shoulders and waist to some imaginary music. Music I couldn't hear. I remember thinking – I remember feeling all warm and pimply and – oh; I don't know.

I remember also, _catching a peek of the beads that line your lower back – I remember feeling some kind of heat flowing into my cheeks – and I hurriedly looked away. By the time I look again, you had done something – either to your blouse or the beads._

I never saw them again.

I still recall – still see clearly how you look at me over your shoulder, teeth shinning in the midst of the sweat lining your face. I think; it is in this moment I feel my fingers – my heart; actually – let go of everything I think I know of love – of relationships. It is in this moment I realize I would follow you anywhere; I would do anything to keep you with me.

It is in this moment I mean everything I have ever said to you.

My heart outgrows its unsavory confines. You stop dancing and step towards me, young delightful breasts moving with the intensity of your breathing, a gleam in your eyes I wish I put there. You give me your right hand and I lower you gently to the feet of the tree, me leaning against it, arms around you protectively, you leaning against me, eyes closed, hair stirring in the salt-spray breeze of the tide.

I remember you pointing to the solitary palm – palm twenty; as we come to name it later – and asking why it is standing alone. And, as is usual – you answer your own question; maybe it's the guard for the rest of them.

And I can't help but agree with you; walking there and looking up at it. It is on the same line with the others – but yet manages to stand out. You say you want to sit there, and as I spread my shirt (imagine that) for you to sit on you whisper, that's how you are to me – in comparison with other guys.

I bring myself back from those memories in time to catch tears as they slowly slip from my eyes and into the corners of my mouth, a mouth that looks like Julia Roberts' whenever she's crying.

I'm still ugly. And it's still sad for me around this time of the year too.

It's as though you were the catalyst – the loose stone that starts the landslide. After you, then Onome. Then Ejiro. Then Wunmi. Then Fela.

Then my mother...

I stood by that guardian tree for a long time that night, just staring away into the ocean and thinking about the best times of my life. The memories I shared with you – the memories I wish I could somehow shuttle deep into unmapped space.

How's that working out for you so far?

I chuckle softly to myself. I'm crazy; even moreso now hearing your voice in my head. Same way I imagined I received a phone call from you a while ago...

Sigh.

Slowly I pull out the thing I brought today; the thing I want most to show you.

A copy of my novel, Saving Dapo.

Yes, Sola. I made it. I'm a published author.

So I brought this copy, signed for you so you can read and point out all the typos and the errors and how I could have made the sentence in a particular line more colorful by simply adding...

And then you would bring your face real close, looking deep in my windows with those headlights of yours, and you would lower your eyes and look at my mouth, leaving no doubts as to your intentions...

And then you would touch your lips to mine softly; ever so softly.

And you would tell me how proud –

The sobs tear at my chest and have me racking up now. I cannot stay any longer. I toss the book at the foot of your tree and hurry away, knowing fully well some stranger is going to come and pick it up and take it away.

I only hope they read it.

I only hope – I only hope it serves; in a very strange and off way, I only hope it makes them happy.

As you have me. Tonight.

Even if it's just for a moment.

Elegushi Beach;

23rd of January, 2015

eleven – something pm.

## My Valentine

So there I was, Valentine's Day.

When I say 'there I was' I meant 'there I was'. In other words, I was _just there._

I was at work, something-after 8 o'clock in the evening – having just replied the last of the comments on my piece for that day. My colleagues were headed to the E-center – Ozone to be specific, and we were supposed to be going there together.

There was only one problem.

Six of us were supposed to leave from work. Five males, one female. Two of us were married and would be joined by their wives; a third by his woman. The other guy paired off with the one female in our midst...let's just say I was the 'sexy and single' one.

Embarrassing.

Bottom line, I changed my mind about seeing a movie – choosing instead to head to Elegushi beach. At something close to 9pm. Undoubtedly crazy, no?

No. The word I choose to use is 'lonely'.

Anyways, so I got a cab and headed to Elegushi beach. The bulk of the traffic was headed in the other direction, so within a few minutes I was trudging through the sand barefoot; carrying my shoes in my hand after making sure I collected the cabman's number for when I was leaving.

The beach was a beehive of activity, lit up by several spotlights from the many bars that lined the shoreline and the music that pounded from different speakers warring for attention. Weaving my way through dancing, drinking and eating figures, I walked towards one of the bars and got myself a bottle of Amarula, a bag of ice cubes and one disposable cup. Caching my shoes with the bartender, I made myself a large drink, stuffed the bottle in the ice cube bag – and bag in one hand, drink in the other, I walked to the beach.

I stood there, at the edge of the pounding surf and watched nature express its opinion about love, human beings and other related endeavors. I looked around me at the revelers and wondered if they were supposed to be at work the following day; like I was supposed to be.

"All of us dey craze," I muttered to myself and began walking along the shoreline, trying to find some relative quiet. I was almost out of the lights before I found a place where I could stop; close enough so I wasn't in darkness, but far enough so the music was not so loud. I looked for a log to sit on and proceeded to focus on my bottle.

I ran through three-quarters of the Amarula before I came up for air. I looked up, feeling pleasantly buzzed and at peace with the entire world. A slight rumbling in my stomach reminded me that I had had nothing to eat that day, and I looked around hoping to find something edible; something to quiet the hunger pangs.

That was how I saw her.

She was a bit to my right, looking like I had always imagined Eve; the first woman would look. She stood on a small mound, arms around herself, head thrown back – eyes closed. She was wearing a large shirt; I couldn't tell the color, and it came down to her thighs. From where I was sitting, it looked like that was all she had on. She was also barefoot like me, but close to her feet were leather sandals and a bag that looked like it was used to kidnap babies. I cocked my head to the side and listened.

No alarms.

I stood up and walked slowly towards her, stopping a few feet away where I could get a clearer picture without looking like I was getting a clearer picture. I held the disposable cup to my lips and gave her the edge of my eyes. She looked like she was completely lost in the spray of the water from the night tide, eyes closed, lips slightly parted, head thrown back. I hesitated; not wanting to interrupt what was obviously a 'moment' for her.

But when nature calls...

"Nature can be so annoying," I said.

And for a long minute (about ten seconds actually) she said nothing or made any movement, just standing there as she had been before I noticed her. I was wondering whether she hadn't heard me, to go closer or to walk away when she opened her eyes and looked at me.

"Why would you say that?"

She sounded like Waje and Chidinma rolled into one, with a blend of Regina Askia thrown in. My belly started churning somewhat and for the second time within the past hour; I wondered how wise it was to consume alcohol on an empty stomach. I ignored that and focused on her.

"In this case it makes it look as though peace is something easily attained, and we both know that's not the case."

She squeezed her eyebrows into something that was supposed to look like a frown but ended up looking like a ripple across a small pond. She jumped off the small hill and came to stand beside me, coming up almost to my eye-level.

"How do you mean 'we both know'?"

Her hands were beside her, and I saw my earlier assertion was wrong. The shirt was unbuttoned to the waist, putting the black workout bra that restrained her ample bosom on display. I could see the beginning of the waistband of a pair of shorts just past her bare midriff – before the shirt was abruptly drawn together.

"My face is not down there," she said, sounding like a petulant child.

"Sorry," I said, blaming the Amarula for making me so reckless. "I did not mean to stare or anything. Sometimes, the hardest thing to do is look away."

She waved away my apology with one hand while the other one held the shirt together. Her thighs were...they looked like Éclairs in that TV advert. I spent about ten years of my life looking for Éclairs that actually looked like that.

"What were you saying about peace?" she interrupted me.

"How happy are you?" I asked her, startling her out of her indignation. She looked surprised for a bit, and then her heart showed up on her face. This was one hell of a lonely girl.

Her lower lip trembled, and for an awkward moment, I thought she was going to cry. I let the nylon I was carrying slip through my fingers and reached for her hand.

"Don't..." I started to say, but she shushed me with a stern look.

"I'm not crying jo," she said, but did not take her hand away from mine. There was a lump in my throat and my heart was pounding loud enough to serve as the basis of a rap song. "What the hell..." I muttered half-aloud. She wasn't saying anything – we just looked at each other. She had let go of her shirt and it was blowing wildly in the suddenly cold night air, looking up at me with a curious half-smile on her lips and well...

The expected happened.

Honestly, I don't know who moved first but there we were, within minutes of seeing each other for the first time, kissing as though there was a competition for whoever could do it best. She kissed just as she looked; calmly and passionately, a contradiction; I know, but that's the only way I can describe it. She tasted like a blend of Suya and Snapp – and one more thing I couldn't exactly define. Her lips were cool but her breath was hot...

I jerked away, mumbling incoherently to myself. "This is crazy..." I said, shaking my head trying to clear cobwebs that were not put there by alcohol. She let go of me and turned away, wind blowing her hair and making her look like something out of a movie.

"I should be going home now sef," she said.

I reached for my phone and checked the time. 10:24pm.

I flung the cup away into the distance and held her hand, walking towards the noise. We weren't looking at each other, but we were so aware of one another it was surreal. I collected my shoes from the bartender, called the cab guy and walked with her to wait for him.

A few minutes later, we were driving off the island. I did not know where we were going – neither did I care. It did occur to me that I might be in a taxi with the devil himself; but I don't know. I guess I was past caring. Or maybe I did not want to seriously consider that possibility.

She held me, head on my shoulder humming a low happy tune. Her eyes shone in the near-darkness of the cab's interior, and I looked at her feeling as though I was looking at a dream.

She said her name was Nike.

## Me and Her – Some Guy and Some 'Girl'

She promises to take away the pain.

She never asks questions; she never bothers with reason or knowing. She cares about me – and that is enough.

She helps forget the hurt. She calms me with her smoothness; soothing my nerves with skilled and patient fingers. I'm never too much of a bother to her.

And you know the best part?

No time of the day is too early or too late. She's always available. She gives me much space to be myself – but is always there whenever I need her.

Which – fortunately or otherwise; depending on how you choose to see it – is almost all the time.

She promises forever and a day. And even though promises like that are usually hard to keep, she seems determined to keep hers. She tells me she's here to stay – unless I decide I don't want her anymore.

Like I'm in a position to do that.

It's not like we have an exclusive relationship. I see her all over the place with this guy and that dude...I've even seen her couple of times with other women. But I'm not bothered. She did not make me any promises except that she will always be there for me – whenever I need her. And so far...

Did I make her any promises?

No. I'm not that daft. In fact, if we're being honest here I'll tell you; I have considered leaving her. I have even attempted it several times. But every time I leave I come back, with a little more baggage than I had before.

It's funny 'cause she would see me at those times I said I was leaving – I mean times after I've left her, she would see me around town; her probably with an arm around her; me probably with my arms around me. And she would smile at me, a rather sad smile and wag her fingers in my direction. At first I thought she was making fun of me or something, but I came to realize –

She actually wanted me to move on without her.

That made me sober.

That woke me up – not as I usually do; after a heavy night with her; bones all achy and shit, mouth all fuzzy and what not – but with a clear head and clearer disposition. And I saw; perhaps, for the first time since forever, the exact nature of our relationship:

She was good for me but she wasn't for me.

So I kissed her; touched my mouth to hers – softly, like parting lovers do – like the girl **Wyclef** was singing about in _Guantanamera_ must have kissed her lover – knowing she wouldn't see him again...

We kissed long because I was kissing her for the last time.

It was hard; it was sad. It was the feeling of a tooth being pulled after the anesthetic had worn off; the feeling of missing the nail and hitting your thumb with the hammer. It wasn't the volume of the pain but the irritating nature of it – like hitting your shin bone against a stool in the dark – a stool you put there only minutes earlier.

But I did it. I said goodbye.

And for a long time after that, I avoided the places she liked to hang out at – and it would seem she was paying me the same respect – because we both knew it was nothing for her to move on – guys always lined up and would always line up for her attention – but for a while; she faded into the background while I moved on.

She will always own a corner of my heart for that.

Hard as it was; I finally moved on – or at least I learned to act like I have. _Fake it till you make it;_ isn't that how the bumper sticker goes? And I am good at faking; acting like I didn't see that guy at the store caressing her desperately – even though he was yet to take her off the shelf? Like I don't see women kissing her as if she was the fountain of youth in a bottle?

Yeah. I mastered the art of faking till it became real – till for all her allure and hold on my soul I saw her for what she really is – a bottle of vodka.

Alcohol. An addiction I'm very well better off without.

## Love Interstate – Mimi, Ahmed and ID

MM2, Lagos. January 17.

9:11am

Ahmed

Mimi looked at the guy who was holding her hand and guilt twisted hot iron within her chest this way and that. _Why don't I choose him – choose him and be happy? Why do I lie to him – why do I use him?_

What if that was me? If I was him?

There was no answer.

She liked him but did not understand him. He was smart; he was witty and he could make her laugh – but he rarely did.

She wondered about that.

He was a bit too serious; quite unadventurous and too 'safe'. But he could cook, and the sex, while not earth-shattering, was decent enough. Still...

"Ahmed?"

He looked at her and smiled, eyes dancing with mischief behind his bullet-proof glass thick glasses. "Yes, mi corazon?"

She chuckled in spite of herself. "Here we go again. What does that even mean?"

"It's 'my heart' in Spanish. I'm listening. What is it?"

She took a deep breath, closed her eyes, exhaled and opened her eyes. "Why are you with me?"

He looked as if she had just asked him why he was wearing a skirt. "Excuse me?" he asked, touching the rim of his nose – no; adjusting the glasses resting there actually.

"Why are you with me – why are you dating me?"

Now he looked as if she was asking him what her name was. "Is something the matter?"

Her one hand left his; and together with its other half folded itself into a fist. "Can you just please, answer the bloody question?" she said through clenched teeth. He looked at her for a small while – and then took her hand again gently.

"Let's sit down and talk about this," he said.

9:17am

"Your flight's not for another forty-five minutes – " he let the hand with the wrist-watch fall to the table, beside the uneaten burger. " – so we can talk."

Mimi nodded, eyes on his mouth. "Why are you with me?" she asked again.

"I like you. You're fun, witty, interesting – I absolutely love how your mind works."

She watched as he leaned forward and clasped his hands on the table. The answer sounded genuine enough – but there was that wet-blanket feeling slowly enveloping her.

Truth is – she was expecting more.

"Is that all?" she asked, sulky child-thinness apparent in her voice.

With deliberate slowness, Ahmed removed his glasses, peeked at them – eyes at half-mast like a bat trying to read a billboard – and wiped them with the hem of his blue shirt.

And then, he put them on again, and regarded her. "You want more?"

A small something flared up inside her – a small something that filled her veins with volcanic plasma and made her want to slap the apathetic look off his face. "Don't I deserve more?"

"These things take time. You know that. This is where I am at the moment. When I...move on to the next level, you'll know." He reached for the lone hand she placed on the table. She didn't resist, and he was surprised at how cold it was.

"Are you okay?" he asked.

"I really like you, Ahmed. But I cannot help but feel like you're keeping me at a distance – like you won't let me in; but you don't want me out of sight." She stopped talking and slowly shook her head. "I can't do this anymore."

He looked at her – he looked in her eyes from above his glasses and, still holding her gaze leaned back in his chair. And then, a gentle smile curved his lips.

"Are you sure about that? Is there something I'm not getting right – "

She cut in impatiently. "There's a lot you're not getting right! And believe me; I know these things take time! I know!" her voice softened. "But how much, Ahmed? How much time?"

He looked away. "I don't know, fine girl. I don't." He turned, facing her at a diagonal angle. "I understand. It's okay – I'll miss you sha."

She looked at him, unbelievingly as he stood up slowly. "Is that it?" she asked, mouth slightly open.

His smile reappeared. "What else?" He looked at his wrist watch – and back at her. "Come on. You don't want to miss your flight."

10:22am

The plane's rumbling motion woke her, and she straightened in her seat as an air hostess' voice came on.

"Please remain in your seats and fasten your seatbelts. We are experiencing minor turbulence but everything will be calm soon. Thank you for your cooperation."

She eased back the window cover and looked at the clouds – looked at them; but wasn't seeing them.

No. What she was seeing instead was a face; a round face adorned with glasses and a smile that was somehow juvenile and old at the same time. Briefly she wondered if she'd done the right thing; felt a small flash of anger at what she saw as his indifference –

She would let that go. He was no longer of any consequence.

And so thinking, she closed her eyes again.

Abuja International Airport. January 17.

11:12am

ID

"There she is!"

A frail attempt at a smile appeared on her face – and then it dissolved. She buried her face against his shoulder, inhaling the clean male smell of him. Somehow, this was different. He was different.

He had to be.

"How was Lagos? And the family?" His right arm slipped across her shoulder as they continued to move, left hand gently taking possession of her bag.

Laying her head on his shoulder she looked up at him. "It was okay. Mummy kept asking when I was bringing you home and Tobi kept talking about how great a guy you are – after rushing all the kilishi alone."

His rich laughter sent soft vibrations down her belly – vibrations she was partial to. She kissed his neck gently and was rewarded with more rich laughter – which made all the unrest in her head more confusing.

This was where she wanted to be. He knew what he wanted – and it was her.

So what is the problem?

They were almost at his car when –

"Where are we going?" she asked as he ducked in and opened the door for her. She sat in the vehicle and closed the door. She was reaching for the seatbelt when she realized he was sitting still behind the wheel, looking at her strangely.

"Where else would we be going but my place? I have some breakfast – KFC – and plenty TLC for your consumption. Where else would you want to be?"

He turned away and fired the ignition – the same moment something fired up in her head. But it was different from the stuff that had been there some hours before – with the other guy.

_There. That;_ her head said, _is the problem._

"Wait," she said. The car's forward aggression halted suddenly.

"What?" he asked, irritation giving his normally smooth baritone a gritty edge.

"Why do you think I want to go to your place?"

He shook his head – and an _i-don't-believe-it_ expression manifested on his face. "Where else would you go?" he asked, genuinely puzzled.

She rolled her eyes at him. "I have a place, remember?"

"Why would you want to go to that small shack you call a house? Besides, you just went off to Lagos for three days – I haven't seen you in three days! We need time alone." He paused dramatically and leaned towards her. "Together," he added.

"But I don't want to go to your place," she stated adamantly. "I want to shower first – and then have some rest. And then maybe – "

"And you can't do all that at mine?"

She saw clearly, for the first time, as though a veil was literally being lifted from her face – just how conceited and selfish he was. She liked being with him – that much was evident – but it was always about him.

A chuckle bubbled up her throat like vomit, and she spat it out.

Stuck between a boyfriend who is too indifferent and another one who is too clingy.

She opened the car door and got out.

"Hey – hey! Where are you going?" he rushed out of his side of the car and came to stand beside her.

"Home," was her brief answer as she opened the back door and pulled out her bag. "I'm going to my place for a shower and sleep. After that – " she shrugged.

"You're stubborn," he said, mouth set in a straight line.

She smiled, head shaking slowly. "No, baby. Not stubborn. Just tired – of you."

Swinging around, she walked towards the kilishi stand and hailed a taxi. A face momentarily flashed in her mind, a round face adorned with glasses and a smile that was somehow juvenile and old at the same time.

She missed that face.

Maybe tomorrow, I will make an effort to talk to Ahmed again – maybe call him and speak to him about second chances...

But not today. No, not today.

Today, I am good and happy all alone.

## soliloquy – just me

I have this recurring dream.

I am travelling down a slippery slope – driving; actually. I am driving down this slope and I suddenly realize; I am the one behind the wheel but I am not the one driving.

The car suddenly makes a sharp left turn – and I am thrown out.

But instead of hitting tarmac, I fall into this huge pit beside the road. I fall, screaming –

and then wake up in my bed, sweat soaked, gasping for breath.

Writing is a lonely endeavor. It's almost like a child trying to take her first steps – she keeps trying and keeps falling. At times, the parents – or at least someone – is there; other times not so much. Rarely do parents ever get to watch the miracle of that.

What they; the parents call ' **first steps** ' is actually ' **first steps** _in_ **their presence'.** They have absolutely no idea what or how long it took the kid to arrive where she is.

Writing is lonely endeavor. Most often than not, you have no one cheering you on – at least; not during the creating process. You keep doing, you keep going – and what you share with the world; most of the time is a finished product. Only writers like you can even begin to appreciate the rigor that goes into it – but even they don't exactly know; simply because writing is as individual – as personal – as a thumbprint.

At least ideally.

It's almost like sex – more specifically; sex with intent to procreate. A million sperms are released; but only one makes its way to the egg. And then, the man keeps hoping and hopping from one foot to the next; not exactly knowing how it works (or maybe he is a brilliant surgeon) but hoping something; someone would make his efforts count – and something of himself would be left in this world.

Writing is a very intimate endeavor. Like sex.

To me, I mean.

I don't take it lightly; writing – I mean. I still don't believe I'm any good at it, so I stay in school, paying attention to all the available teachers – the bloggers whose works are praised as crap, the ones whose works are criticized as 'perfect', the books that didn't sell a single copy, the not-so-best bestsellers and the actual 'bestsellers', the dreamers who just want to 'dream' on in their space; yes, even the 'attention seekers', the attention whores – yes; all these people are my teachers and I pay rapt attention to them while I scratch my internal head and wonder why I'm not as good as them – why my writing isn't any good.

Maybe I'm not meant to be; I console myself with.

Writing is lonely.

There's always that frightening reality that **no one** actually understands what jargon I just spent hours scribbling. That understanding that humans are fickle – today we scream 'messiah' tomorrow we're yelling 'crucify him!' That awareness that sometimes – all I do is to put the words together in an interesting way – that what I wrote really does not make an iota of sense.

Well. I'm paranoid.

Understand; this is not some attempt at humility or anything close. I hardly ever like anything I write simply because my stories rarely come out the way I see them. It's frustrating – but I've learnt to accept it –the exact same way I've learnt to be grateful. I'm really privileged to make a living; a comfortable living off something I enjoy doing – even though I really suck at it.

Something that gives me great happiness. For that alone; I will always be thankful to God.

Writing is sharing. A piece; a story – a thought is simply saying; in a manner of speaking – _here; I thought about this and I wanted to share with you, in the hopes that it connects and resonates with you in some unspeakable manner. I hope this helps you makes some sense of your world, I hope it helps you escape some drudgery and boredom, I hope it broadens your mental horizons – and I really hope; at the very least, it makes you smile._

It is to invite a random stranger to step in your shoes for a moment; a minute, a second, an hour – a day – or even for longer; see the world through your tortured/lonely/tormented/inspired/fired/tired/suicidal/haunted/happy/distracted/excited/traumatized/crazy/insane/colorful eyes.

To love a writer is to know pain. To let a writer love you is to live forever.

Em. That's a shameless plug ashually.

And you read something – and you laugh; pound on your table at work in excitement, or you're angry at the stupidity of another human being (a character, actually) – or you tear up – happy or sad tears depending – or you're struck speechless and people around you are wondering what the matter is –

But you would have; for a moment, seen what it is like to live another life.

Such is the power of the writer.

And; in the will-live-forever words of Uncle Ben –

With great power comes great responsibility.

I have this recurring dream.

I am travelling down a slippery slope – driving; actually. I am driving down this slope and I suddenly realize; I am the one behind the wheel but I am not the one driving.

The car suddenly makes a sharp left turn – and I am thrown out.

But – instead of falling into some bottomless abyss, screaming all the way, I find myself going upwards.

I am flying.

At first; it's a really strange and odd feeling. But, as is the way of humans, I get used to it. I look around, marvel at the beauty of night – of millions of lights; if NEPA allows it – and I smile.

And I wake up in my bed. Laughing. Beating the pillow and screaming into it.

Another demon exorcised. Another mountain climbed.

And – as it will be till I die...

Another story to write.

## On The Lagoon Front – Dotun and Wunmi

The early evening air brings her scent to me easily. I smell her – long before I see her. No o; this is not some werewolf/vampiric Twilight bullshit. I mean, even if those things exist, not in Nigeria, right?

It's bush-babies we deal with.

I smell her because she smells...and I lack the word to describe it, but she smells as good as Agege bread would smell to a starving bricklayer.

Yes. It's that good. She smells that good.

I act like I don't know she's near and keep observing the softly crashing waves; setting sun creating the perfect background – I feel as though I am staring at a live-motion painting. I particularly like the Lagoon Front at this time of day – and then she's all over me and I can't pretend anymore.

I shiver a little as she caresses my neck with a warm palm. A hot mouth hangs tantalizingly close to my ear and she whispers, "Have you been waiting long?"

"Since I called," I respond as she glides in front of me, spinning in a circle of blood-red splendor before dumping herself into my lap and wrapping long arms around my neck.

"Are you sulking?" she asks. I do not answer, intending to punish her for keeping me waiting. She sits up and tries to see my expression, but I evade her penetrating glance by turning my head.

"Baby, I'm sorry. I hadn't bathed..." I silence her by pressing my lips to hers. I feel hers curve in a smile before her mouth opens up and embraces me in its warmth. We kiss like new lovers usually do, prying, plying – trying to find out exactly how much the other person knows. It's as though our mouths are talking without our tongues; saying _I know you know what you're doing. I do too; but this is new for me as it is for you. So teach me; be patient._

I break the kiss.

My heart is pounding with intensity; something close to the vibrations of the stampede that nearly killed baby Moufasa in the first _Lion King_ – if you ever watched that movie via very loud home theatre you'll understand my meaning. I feel the vibrations in every angle; every plane of my body. I wonder if she can hear my heart beat – then I smile self-consciously.

_What a fool in love I am_!

She sighs happily and rests her head on my chest again, playing with my fingers. I look over her head at the waves crashing in submission to the winds. I caress her face gently, burying my nose in her fresh-made hair as I intimately learn her features. There's a floaty feeling inside my head – something that makes me feel as though I could just spread my arms and take flight. Something as familiar as the scent of my room whenever I open the door.

It's a flush of intensity that touches every part of me, and leaves an _alive_ feeling in its wake –

It's also a frightening feeling. I have felt this way before, you see.

I don't know how she notices the shift in my mood – but she does. As soon as I realize it's a familiar feeling her head comes up and she looks at me.

"What is it?" she asks in her Tiwa Savage-trembly voice.

"Nothing," I respond, as I try to distract her by touching her face again. She impatiently shrugs my hand off and looks at me sternly. "It's too early to be lying to me," she says.

"I'm not –" I start to argue but then, I see the fear in her eyes. I shouldn't be responsible for that.

"I'm scared," I say, through a throat that has become clogged with too much feeling.

And just like that, her face changes from a girlfriend's to a lover's ( _does that even make any sense?!_ ). She keeps her eyes on mine and gently rubs my chest. She does not say anything for a bit, and then; "Whatever it is, we'll figure it out together."

I'm tripping for her all over again. I look at the irresistible softness of her lips – lips that have a curious shine in the dimming sunlight. I cannot stay away from them – and really; they look like they don't want me to stay away either.

But I know kissing her now would only mute me – and I want to talk about my fears.

"I don't know. Honestly, I feel so..." I slow down, because I need her to – she needs to understand clearly what I'm saying.

"I feel so much for you – no, let me finish," I say as she starts to smile. The smile remains there as she nods encouragingly. I kiss her nose softly and look away.

"Being with you is so overwhelming, so...empowering and intoxicating. I feel like I can do anything. It's true," I say, feeling ridiculously self-conscious. I plunge on, regardless.

"But I worry. What if you don't feel that way? What if you don't feel for me the way I do for you? What if you wake up tomorrow and – something has happened, as they inevitably will? What will I do with myself? What do I do with all these feelings?"

As I end my semi-monologue a bird – or something cries not too far away from where we are. I hear the soft rustle of wind-stirred leaves...a chuckle and soft moan remind me that we are not alone. It is the Unilag Lagoon front after all; and it is evening. Love rendezvous ideas are not exclusive.

Not where we are, anyway.

Finally I look at her. She's patiently looking at me, soft chin on a firm hand, braided hair blowing crazily in the wind. She looks so calm and resolute – so beautiful...

I'm starting to sound like a broken record even to myself.

"Do you love me?"

I nod.

She asks again. "Do you love me, Dotun?"

"Yes. Um...I guess I do. I do, I mean."

She nods and smiles. "I love you too. And I know you know we've seen enough movies, read enough novels, blogs and heard enough stories to understand how clichéd that has become.

"But I love you."

She touches my chin – my small growth of beard – before turning and presenting me with a pleasant view of her neck as her gaze turns towards the ocean.

"When we're together...everything else stops. And it's not the _I-don't-read-my-books-because-I-can't-stop-thinking-about-you_ kind of love. It's more of the _I-must-read-my-books-to-make-you-proud_ variety. When I apply my makeup, I think of what you would think – and it's not me insecure in myself. It's me wanting to be your woman. Do you understand?"

Somehow I do and I tell her so.

"I know you're not too Christian-inclined, but I am and I make no apologies for that. My point is though – the bible says perfect love drives out fear and I believe that. I need you to believe that with me; and we'll be fine."

I am speechless. This is my girlfriend – the girl whose longest sentence comprises ten words. This is my girl – my woman who I thought I would have to instruct in certain matters.

Man.

"Will you marry me?" I blurt out before I can think about it.

She smiles and hugs me. "Tomorrow morning, after a night of me snoring, drooling all over your chest and feeding you pickings from my nose – ask me again. I'll answer you then."

I am content.

And just like that, I find my wife.

On the Lagoon front.

## I Dare Call Her Mother

You see, I really hated my mum.

For the earlier years of my life anyway.

She was always beating me. Always making me wash plates and pots. Always making me sweep the entire house and then wash the curtains. And me, barely twelve!

Also – she left me by myself most nights. She was hardly at home after seven in the evening; I was usually by myself – and she insisted that I didn't go out.

Imagine. I thought she was just wicked till an incident happened that completely changed my mind.

When I was in J.S 3, there was this girl at school. Her name was Banke.

Banke was a brilliant student, tall, strong and finely made. She was the school runner and junior sports captain. Add that to the fact that she was the principal's favorite and completely spoilt; and you would understand why she was my enemy.

Me, who could barely get anything right.

She was rude and inconsiderate. She did anything to look good – and more often than not that involved using us; her classmates to shine. She particularly delighted in teasing Chioma, my school sweetheart. I bore the indignation and swallowed my ire best I could...till one day I couldn't take it anymore.

Chioma was just as brilliant; if not more so than Banke. But where Banke was very eloquent, Chioma was timid. Which was what endeared her to me. Honestly, I didn't know words like 'eloquent' or 'timid' back then. No.

My vocabulary was more expansive, containing words like 'weed' 'video games' 'tete' 'kashi' 'opa eyin' 'kelegbe' and other related street slangs. I couldn't much figure out Pythagoras – wetin consaign me with 'mean median and mode'?

All that na grammar.

It wasn't like I wasn't smart; I just did not like school. I was much more street-smarter than most of my teachers. In fact, I once saved one young sexy teacher; Auntie Edna from rape – but that came much later.

Now I was in J.S 3 and my biggest problem was Banke and the coming junior WAEC exams. Chioma promised to teach me whatever I needed to know – and that, coupled with the two growths that seemed to be growing out of her chest made me want to kill Banke.

Which eventually, I nearly did.

One afternoon we had just finished break and I was walking back to the class with my best friend back then; Aliu, when the wind seemed to carry a scream our way.

It was coming from class.

We started running, I faster than Aliu because I thought I recognized the voice. When I got to the class, I was shocked. Banke had Chioma on her knees in front of the class eating custard from a bucket.

Whatever gave her that idea I never bothered to ask.

I remember suddenly seeing everything through a film of red; I remember charging at Banke, not caring that she was a girl. In short, Mr. Audu was the one who eventually pulled me off her. I struggled at first, but the sight of blood on her split and puffed lower lip frightened me into calm.

I thought about my mum. And knew; surely, that I was dead.

Sorrow, fear and guilt put heavy arms around my shoulders and walked me home that afternoon, mum's letter from the class teacher hanging limp in my left hand. Not even Chioma could console me.

I gave the letter to my mum and watched silently as she read through. When she finished she asked what happened and I told her, fear putting uneven pitches in my voice. She did not say anything – she just made food, went out and came back much later.

As usual.

The following day she woke up at the usual time, but instead of sending me off to school early as she usually did, we got ready together. She walked ahead of me to the bus stop; making me have to run to catch up with her. On the danfo to school she balanced me firmly on her laps – an experience I lived for up till that day. The fact that she was going to school because of me did not allow me enjoy myself – I was rigid throughout the journey.

We arrived school and she was ushered in to Mr. Audu's office. I went to class and ignored everybody. To say I was scared would be an understatement; but I didn't want anyone to know – so I just sat at my desk and frowned at anyone who ventured close – even Chioma.

Some minutes later, my mum came out with my teacher and they stood at the entrance of the class talking in low tones. After a bit, mum waved at me and left.

My mum waved at me!

I began to breathe a little easier; I started to talk with my classmates. Banke did not come to school I noticed, but Aliu told me she was okay. My fears disappeared – even moreso after Chioma hugged me firmly and called me her hero.

She tried to kiss me too – but that was disgusting – at least back then. She looked at the spoilt-beans face I made and laughed.

I went home that afternoon and met my mum making eba. She asked me to set the table and we ate lunch – and then I cleaned the house while she got ready to go out. She made dinner before she left and told me to do the housework and my homework and sleep. She would be a while out.

That was not unusual, so I wasn't unduly concerned. I did everything I was supposed to do and skipped out to kick ball around for a bit.

And then I came back home, ate and slept.

And then, the nightmare began.

I doubt I had been asleep for more than a few minutes when something really heavy pushed down on my chest. I tried to get up – I tried to wake up but I couldn't. I tried to scream – I tried to do something; anything that would keep me alive.

And suddenly release came – release in the form of a 50kmph slap.

My eyes flew open. And there was my mother, sitting on my chest looking as calm as a queen on her throne; dishing out slaps like a bus conductor handing out change. Every time I raised my hands to protect my face she pinched my chest. If I dropped my arms to protect the chest I got slapped.

This went on for a few minutes – and then she stopped. By then my face was a mask of pain, I could feel liquid trickling down my chest underneath my shirt. I knew it was blood.

I wanted to kill my mother at that moment – I think I did murder her with my eyes a couple of times within seconds – but all I could do was lie there and hate her with my whole being as I swallowed sobs threatening to spill from my throat.

No matter what happened, I was determined that she would never see my tears.

Eventually she stood up, pulled me after her and we walked into the corridor where a lantern burned brightly.

"Do you know why I beat you?" She asked, turning to look at me. Even though I hated her, I knew enough of women to know she was very beautiful. She had this – this feline way of looking at you over her shoulder – it made me nervous.

I have seen grown men stammer when she looked at them like that.

She repeated the question, bringing me back to the present. I knew if I opened my mouth at that moment, I would start crying, so I did what most any boy my age would do in the same situation – glued my lips tightly together and shook my head.

She smiled and rubbed my head. "It was good of you to stand up for Chioma. That was a brave thing."

My mouth dropped open and my eyes must have asked; _but why did you beat me?_

"Because you hit a woman. Was that the only way you could have defended Chioma?"

That had not occurred to me.

And as I stood there, face stinging, blood slowly dripping down my chest, I thought about it hard. And I realized I had hit Banke – not because she was being mean to Chioma but because I felt small around her.

She made me ashamed of myself.

I looked at my mother and she nodded, smiling at me, something giving her eyes some extra luminance. I tried to hold it back, but I couldn't. Not anymore.

Tears. Oh Lord, my eyes started raining chickens and cows.

"I'm...I'm sorry mama," I said amidst sobs. She reached and pulled me to her, cradling my head against her chest. I cried loud and long, and at the end I slept on my mum's chest.

That was almost twenty years ago.

I watch my mum now, in this moment, old but still strong. Deji, my second boy is screaming at the top of his lungs – testimony to the strength still very much present in my mother's slaps. She's ignoring him – but I know; just as she does, she'll soon carry him and tickle him into laughter – just as he likes.

Banke – yes; same Banke I hit back in JS 3 and never again – moves into the living room. I say 'moves' because despite being married to her for eight years I still don't have the word to describe her movements across the ground.

I mean, when other humans do it it's called _walking_.

When Banke does it, it's something else.

I smile again, thinking about how my mum single-handedly raised me and made sure I had the best of whatever she could get. I remember wondering where she went; night after night, leaving me to my own devices till I was almost twenty.

I got into the university before I understood – but finally; roving with some wild boys into clubs and Ife's 'red light district', I understood.

You see, she was a prostitute.

Yet I dare to call her mother.

## What Would You Do? – Me and a Client

_I hated my mum;_ she says to me in a dispassionate voice. _I hated her because she killed my brother._ Her eyes rise from the table top to meet mine dead on. _I didn't tell you that before, did I?_

I tell her she hasn't and ask her to continue.

She was a very beautiful woman. She was so lovely, almost regal – but it would seem God indeed has a sense of humor, so he gave her the morals of a rodent. She slept with anything that had a third leg.

I watch her fingers play with my stapler; the blue-and-silver one that is a gift from Onye. I tune back in to what she's saying.

How did she kill my brother? Would you like to know?

I say I would; and then add that I had no idea she had a brother.

She smiles. _He died when he was barely a year old._

I start to offer my condolences but she waves them aside like I would smoke trying to get in my face. I'm asthmatic; you see.

She went to see one of her many lovers in our then neighborhood – Kamiru the carpenter. I was too young to care what she did with who then, but I wish she had just left my brother with me at home. But she didn't like me either – she would look at me and hiss and say I have the eyes of my paternal grandmother who had died when I was six under mysterious circumstances. Two years later, my mum strapped my brother to her back and went to see Kamiru, the carpenter, her lover.

I never saw my brother again.

I ask how he died.

She put him on the floor in the workshop, left him to his own devices and went in the backroom for a session. Over an hour later, she came out and the boy was where she'd left him – only now his face was blue. Apparently, he had found and drank a bottle of turpentine.

I say how horrible I think that is.

Yes, I can imagine how horribly he must have died. I hated her for that – but way less than I hated her for cheating on my dad. He wasn't a great catch; he drank and yelled when he was drunk, but he was kind to her and never beat her. She was a slut.

I start to tell her how she needs to forgive her mum – but she waves that aside also. I start to feeling like this is a woman who is quite free with her hands and shift a little backwards in my seat.

I cannot shout.

She sees my movement and smiles. _I loved my husband, you know. Loved him – even though he was worse than my father. He didn't drink but he beat me – with his belt, fists and once with a broom._

Her voice does not change a bit – she continues to talk in that flat, dead tone. _Everybody told me he was going to kill me – my sister; who came to live with us said I was going to end up like that banker girl that died a while ago – did you follow the story via the media?_

I say I did, and that I thought it was funny that the man – the husband was singing praise songs when the verdict – death by hanging – was read.

_Abi? I was so angry I wanted to slap him. Idiot._ She inhales, exhales and smiles at me. _Sorry, I get carried away._

I say it doesn't matter – I say I like seeing her smile.

She smiles again. _For a long time I stopped – I couldn't smile anymore. He would beat me and then disappear for hours – just leave the house. And I would stay up, aching and paining, wincing and cleaning blood from my body while waiting for him._

I knew I could die – but I was determined to have a home. I was so scared I was going to end up like my mum; without a man to call hers and hated by her kids. That wasn't going to happen to me.

I am startled to see the second display of feeling – the slow tear that starts a downward journey over the once-smooth-now-scarred surface of her right cheek to hang on the upper curve of her lip.

She pays it no attention.

Everything started to crumble when my sister got pregnant. It was strange – because you would assume a man who was beating his wife was most likely cheating on her. But he wasn't – at least, not at first. He never came home late, all his movements were easily accounted for – I just didn't see that happening. Which is part of why I put up with it for as long as I did.

_But then; my sister started acting funny –_ she lifts a hand – finally acknowledging the trickle streaming down her face – and brushes the tears away. And she continues to speak without missing a beat – _she avoided me throughout the day, and at night she rushed through dinner to escape to her room. I knew something was horribly wrong – but I never thought it could be as bad as that._

Then he travelled.

That night, she didn't come out of her room at all. After I'd made dinner, I went to call her. I knocked on the door. No response. And then she said she didn't want dinner – that she was tired.

I didn't even waste time begging or anything. I just broke the door down – went to the store, got the pounded yam pestle and smashed the lock.

My sister was cowering on her bed, tears streaking down her face. She was afraid of me – she was terrified. She was hiding something – some secret – and was afraid what I would do if I found out. I let go of the pestle, crawled beside her in the bed and hugged her. I played with her hair like I used to when we were younger; then I asked her what the matter was.

And I told her, softly but firmly not to lie to me.

She said, "I'm pregnant. And it's for Uncle Bode."

I interrupt, stretching a box of tissues towards her. She waves it away and continues to speak.

I think my heart stopped beating for a bit. Suddenly I heard my sister screaming from a distance – her voice was hurting my ears so I told her to stop. She stopped and looked at me like I was growing horns. I had passed out.

Thank God the neighbors didn't hear the screaming. It would have been somehow. I hugged my sister and cried too.

When he came home two days later, I think I lost my cool or something. I screamed at him from the door – he was barely inside the house; but I couldn't wait. I wanted to know why – why he had decided to impregnate my sister in spite of the lengths I went to just to please him. Things I was taught were wrong, humiliating sexual positions –

For the first time since she started speaking; the mask slips and I see something I hope to never see again – a woman slowly losing her mind to pain.

He looked at me and I saw my life end. He hit me – hit me with the flat of his hand so hard my teeth shook in their gums. Somehow I found myself in the kitchen, flat on my back with a knife in my hand.

She pauses, and runs a distracted hand through disturbed hair.

I don't know – maybe I was trying to warm him off or something – I have no idea. All I know is – he came towards me, looking angry and scary – and stabbed – impaled himself on the knife.

I point out that he had been found with almost twenty stab wounds all over; his face, chest and thighs.

She shrugs. _So he stabbed himself almost twenty times with a knife I happened to be holding._

Her eyes meet mine and I swallow the theory I'm about to propound. Instead I ask her what she intends to do next – especially with the baby; the one she is carrying,

Her hands caress her belly softly and her face comes alive for the first time since. _I loved him,_ she says in a voice different from the one I've been hearing all evening. _I love him and this is a part of him. Even the one my sister's carrying will be cared for by me – if she wants to keep the baby, fine, if she doesn't want to I can easily pass them both off as mine._

I ask the question that has been burning my chest all evening. I ask why she came to see me.

She shrugs. _I wanted to tell the story to someone who doesn't know me or have a stake in any of this. A friend suggested you._ She stands up. _Thank you for listening to me. I might call again – if that's okay._

I get to my feet and tell her it's okay; she can call anytime. She nods and smiles – a smile I'm afraid I'm starting to like – and watch as she makes her way out of my office and into the waiting cab.

And then, I sit down and look out the window – at the horizon; at nothing, my thoughts bleaker than the worst of harmattan winds.

## Quiet Storm – Seun and a Recharge Card Salesgirl

There's a girl in front of my office.

No wait. That didn't quite come out right.

That would make you think she's there permanently – like a monument or something. She's anything but. She's the most alive thing I have ever seen, right next to my kid brother the first time they brought him home.

This girl...the girl I'm talking about is...no; beautiful wouldn't quite do it. She was pretty in a quiet way. You know how you would stare at Alicia Keys if you didn't know who she was? How you would admire the soft curve of her lips – the firmness of her jam, the soft lines that molded themselves to whatever she was wearing at the time?

That was kind of like this girl. But she was more...demure; if the word would apply.

She sold credit right in front of my office, beside the Chicken Republic outlet. She sat there quietly under her multi-colored umbrella – each side colored for each of the mobile phone networks – always smiling, always patient. The second thing I noticed about her was how much care she took of her tools. I have never seen the umbrella look dirty before.

Never.

I asked the office boy about her yesterday. "She's been there for a while, oga Seun. She don tey dia small," was his response.

Surprise. I'd not noticed her before. What changed that?

I was coming out of the Chicken Republic outlet after purchasing lunch. I could have sent the office boy, but I'd wanted to walk. So I had just gone there myself.

I was on my way back to the office – standing ready to cross the road when, without any warning, the heavens let loose. It was one of those rains that only fell for about five minutes but would leave you looking like a drowned chicken if you unlucky enough to be caught in it. Stuck between going on into the office or just running back into the Chicken Republic, I was lost in a moment of indecision –

And there she was.

Grabbing my arm non-too gently, she practically dragged me after her underneath the umbrella. I just stumbled along...and suddenly everything was dry. I turned and found myself nose-close with her.

For the first time, I got a good look at her.

She smiled shyly and looked away, brushing down the sleeves of my suit gently. I felt awkward.

"Um...thank you," I said.

She nodded quietly and offered me a seat on a small plastic stool, the only seat available. I looked at her and patted my bulging tummy and then looked at the seat. She chuckled and averted her face, and I started to feel awkward.

"Hey, it's stopped...the rain has stopped," I said, pointing from under the umbrella. She did not look at me, she just nodded.

I got out of there before I embarrassed myself any further.

But all the way to the office, I kept looking over my shoulder and I would catch her looking at me, smiling. Once I'd crossed, I waved and she waved me off – but she was still smiling.

I don't know – but it feels strange that she has that effect on me.

What kind of effect, you would ask?

For one thing once it was sometime around noon at work I'd go to the window in front of the office and look for the easy-to-spot umbrella. As soon I spotted it, I waved till she saw me and waved back. And then I'd watch her for a bit – obviously embarrassing the poor thing; before I returned to my office.

This had become a routine of ours – such that she also looked for me when it was around that time. And when she saw me, she curtsied and waved. And we would exchange all sorts of signs and symbols. She's also so amazing at making funny faces. She has an animated one – her face is the most alive thing I have ever seen, and so she has me laughing like I have no cares.

Long after I leave, I still feel an amazing lightness in my chest.

I didn't think about what that meant to me till I went to the window yesterday and she wasn't there.

It was a small shock. It was the kind of shock you'd feel if your BlackBerry phone; the same one you have been using for almost six months suddenly sent an electric jolt up your arm as you took it from your pocket.

I was _that_ shocked.

Till I left work yesterday, I kept walking back and forth between my office and the window – hoping for a glimpse of her or at least, that bright yellow color. I saw none of the above. I went home feeling as though a black cloud hung over me. I could barely sleep.

_What could be wrong;_ I kept thinking. _Could she be sick?_

I was bothered mostly by the fact that I didn't know who to ask after her from. I was ashamed of myself because she was like a convenience to me – right up to that point. I had not asked for her number, not tried to get to know her more because; well, I kept thinking about the problems of mixing business with pleasure. I just thought...

"Seun," I said to myself just before my eyes closed, "you no try at all."

So I wake up this morning and head to work, determined to find her no matter what. I know that sounds somehow; I know; that I cannot just open Google – as so many of my readers are fond of reminding me, I know I'm in Nigeria – but there must be somebody around there who knows more about her than I do, someone who can give me information. There are some things I need to clear off my desk – but as soon as I'm done with those...

I get to work and I look for her. She's not there – which is not surprising because she hardly gets to work as early as I do. It is somewhat disappointing, still. So I just go upstairs and try to focus on the day's work.

It is not easy.

I keep thinking about her calm face...about the patient way she handles herself and treats her customers. And then I start getting worried. _What are you doing,_ I ask myself. _Are you falling in love with her – this girl whose name you don't know?_

I can't answer. So I keep doing what I'm doing while also keeping my eye on the clock. As soon as it's 12:00 noon, I bound up from my chair and rush to the window, heart in mouth.

The yellow umbrella is not there. But she is.

She's standing there – shading her eyes from the harsh midday sun, looking up at our window. She sees me and smiles, and I feel at that moment that I don't want to be with anyone else. I signal to her to wait, and then excitedly jump into the elevator.

The moment it opens I rush out, impatient to get to the other side of the street where my sweetheart is waiting. I almost rush into the street – but the blaring horn of a Keke Napep stops me. I look to the other side and I see her laughing. I make faces at her, and jump across as soon as I can.

As I get to the other side, she comes forward to meet me, eyes lowered shyly. I understand what she feels – in fact I feel terribly awkward myself but I don't mind. It's a good feeling. I want to hug her, to hold her and – but I keep my hands at my sides and hope she cannot hear the pounding of my heart.

"How are you?" I say, through the sudden dryness in my throat. She nods and smiles again. "I don't even know your name," I continue. "Tell me, what is your name?"

She does not say anything – she just leans against me, reaching for my hands. She has to bend a little; my limbs are longer than hers – but she finds them, one after the other and gathers them to herself.

She raises my hands to her lips, looks me directly in the eyes – kisses them.

She kisses my hands.

There's this rebellious side of me – the one who wonders and smirks and picks his nose every time I write romance – my ever sarcastic evil twin. He's here now, looking at her and asking me;

Hey – didn't you once promise not to date a girl who was too into india films?

I tell him to shut up and continue to look at her, something like awe on my face. I mean, we're in the middle of Opebi during rush-hour traffic for freak's sake!

I try to speak – my throat is stuck together so I have to try twice – but finally I get the words out. "What is your name?"

She smiles in my face – that smile that shoves a hand deep in my gut and twists – and she gently touches a hand to her ear, blinks twice rapidly and does some sleight-of-hand moves with her hand.

And then it strikes me – hits me like the horse's rear left foot in the pit of my belly all those years ago...

The most beautiful girl I've ever seen is also deaf and dumb.

## Labels – A Man and His Girl

Here we are o. We don reach here. Again.

_Where is here?_ you ask.

_What is important;_ I fire back – _where we are or that we're together?_

You do not answer. You don't need to. And I wonder; why do things have to be this way?

Must everything be explained? Does everything have to have a name?

I remember the first time we met – and I told you I had just felt drawn to you from the other side of the BRT queue. You laughed and asked; ' _which of us is the iron and which is the magnet?'_

You see; I was pissed you said that because I was serious. I meant what I said – I had no idea why; but I had just felt an urge to come to the other side of that queue. And when I saw you – the _why_ became clear.

But you asked me what I wanted. What it was I was saying to you that early on a BRT queue. And so I said _love at first sight._

Ah. I saw the relieved look on your face. _I can live with that;_ your eyes said.

Nice.

Sometimes, I just want to sit and look at you.

But you complicate things. You ask me; _what are you doing?_ Angrily I retort; _what does it look like?_

Does it bother you that I just want to take in every part of you – I want to learn all the lines on your face; so I know which one is responsible for your smile; which one is to blame for your tears...which ones herald the coming of what; just so I can forestall where necessary and when it is in my power?

But you ask me to explain.

And because sometimes; words fail even the most eloquent of poets...I cannot come across as clearly as I'd like to. And you wonder if I'm a psychopath.

With you and me being Nigerians living in Nigeria nonetheless.

Must you understand everything? Must I explain myself every time I suddenly reach for your hand – every time I kiss your mouth gently? Must I have an agenda whenever I call your phone – even though you're in the next room?

They – your friends; I mean – ask what we are; and it amuses and then saddens me – your attempts to capture this entire beautiful, amazing, uncomplicated, peaceful, lovely...this entirely unique connection with _a single word_. So I sit and watch you stumble through your lexicon; reaching for and discarding word after word as they fall short of explaining what we are.

_Friends,_ you say eventually. And I see disappointment darken the eyes of your interrogator(s).

_You guys should take it a step further;_ they verbalize. _You look so good together!_

I snigger. And want to ask – _so friends aren't supposed to look good together; only lovers are allowed that privilege?_

Sad life.

Your calls are like the random ray of sunlight that makes its way through the curtains and into a lonely room; the random smile that lightens many a darkened heart. You call at odd hours – and I don't care. I like it, even though I know it must be costing you a crazy amount of money, calling my Glo line with your MTN. But we're too old for Xtra cool.

Or too stupid. Who cares?

So you speak to me; in that breathless throaty voice that gives the fine hairs on my arms hard-ons and make my toes curl. Crazy; I know, but I'm that into you. And so I confuse myself and ultimately you. I say stuff like _I love your voice..._ and _I like you._

Seriously, how does that work?

How the fuck do I _like_ the Coke bottle but _love_ the contents?! Is it not enough to just say _I love Coke?_

But the implications of telling you – of saying _I love you_ hold me back; or maybe I'm just confused. Confused; because I know you give me a good feeling – a feeling so good – and yet I cannot describe it. I know fully well that what I feel for you is not merely _like_ – I mean; that implies I want to kiss and hug and make love to a lot of Facebook statuses, comments and pages.

No; _like_ does not quite capture it.

And yet I hesitate to use the _L_ word; simply because it suggests something else; something deeper and more eternal. And I am not quite there yet.

Or so I say to the fellow in the mirror.

You see; I take words like that seriously. I do – which is why when you tell me you love me sometimes; I respond with an _I know_ or a _thank you._

Can it be any more confusing?

Must we be _girlfriend_ and _boyfriend_ or _lovers_ or _married_? Do those words – those catchphrases mean something by themselves, or do we give them meaning – do we give them life? Is it the designer tag that gives the cloth value – or is the cloth valuable in itself?

Or – maybe I am afraid.

Maybe I hate the responsibility; the expectations that labels imply. Like if I was your _husband_ I'd have to behave in a certain way, speak to you in a certain way – hell, make love to you in a certain way. Maybe I just don't like responsibility and the enormous pressure it brings with it. Or maybe I just dislike boxes.

And labels are boxes.

I mean, imagine your reaction if you opened a box of Golden Morn and found Garri in it. Your first thought would be that you had been duped; after all Garri does not belong in a box of Golden Morn!

It's the exact same way with this, honey. Labels bring a look, a feel, a taste, an expectation with them. And with expectation comes responsibility. And with responsibility comes pressure.

Take a moment – consider all your married friends. Can you honestly say their husbands treat them better than I do you? Do you think they are in a position to look down on you – to make fun of you?

I have never cheated on you. The thought has never crossed my mind – because you're just what I want. I wonder...

Why do labels matter so much to you? Can't we just be?

Or am I just being selfish – not wanting the commitment a label brings...

Or I'm afraid a label would make all-too-fleeting reality of this fairy-tale?

Labels.

What do they really mean?

## To Be Man - Me and You

I think I made up my mind to hate you from the moment she told me about you.

She – Tola; I mean.

She stood there, uttered two words – and wrecked every dream I had created, every fantasy and special moment in my head.

And it had taken her only six months to do it. Damn.

Such is the power of the woman.

The day she told me, I was playing Guns of War – I had the day off from work and the plan was to take off with her later in the day – maybe to the beach or a hotel from some intense R & R.

So while she was puttering about in the kitchen and trying to figure out breakfast, I was getting tuned up by aliens on my Xbox. I had 'died' almost nine times – and I was taking a small breather to reassess my strategy when she appeared at my elbow, bearing a plate of chin-chin and a glass of orange juice.

I was three-quarters through with the juice when I realized she was still standing, left hand caught in one of the million folds of her shortie gown.

She always does that when she's nervous, you see.

So I asked her what the issue was – and after stuttering for a minute in that absolutely adorable way of hers, she told me about you.

I remember how I felt at the news – how I went from surprise to shock to irritation –

And then finally – anger.

I did a good job of masking it though – I did what I was expected to; kiss and hug her and inform her that she just made me the happiest man in the world.

The smile that brightened her face and the gleam that adorned her eyes made the lie worth it, and after she went back to the kitchen I crept out of the house and got in the car.

I went for a drive.

To clear my head, you see. We had agreed to wait for two years before entertaining the thought of an addition to the family – or rather; I had agreed and she had not. And as I drove down Allen Avenue that late morning, all I could think about was how this was going to change everything.

Even I had no idea how right I was.

When I got back home, she was frantic. I didn't tell her I was leaving the house – and typically, I didn't take my phone along. I apologized, kissed her – and one thing led to another...

In short, we didn't leave the house that day.

And that was also the last time in a long time we had physical relations.

I think every woman gets paranoid the first time – I mean, their entire being goes through so many changes almost impossible to keep up with – who can blame them?

But I wasn't ready. And really, I wasn't expecting what I got.

Everything was okay the first few months – I mean, except for the part where she wasn't having me touch her. I understood it was first-time jitters so I let it slide.

But after a while, it became startlingly clear to me that I had been replaced.

I tried to talk with her about it. I sat her down and appealed to the part of her that married me – the part that told me 'for better or worse' – I couldn't have argued better if I was the defense attorney in a murder trial.

Her eyes stabbed daggers into my heart, and she told me in no uncertain terms that I was selfish just like is typical of men, that all I cared about what my dick and where it was going into.

That hurt like salt in an open wound – because up until that moment the thought of being with another woman had NEVER occurred to me. Don't get me wrong; I wasn't no whitewashed saint and all, but there was one issue that had kept me from straying.

I love Tola with all of me, and all I hope to be.

It had really hurt to hear her say that, and I stormed out of the house – as usual. I went driving for hours, stopping to think – and then banging my hand on the wheel in frustration before driving off again.

It was in one of those moments I realized just how much I hated you.

Truth be told – I felt guilty. I mean, it is the kind of stuff everybody does but nobody talks about – like pornography. I was ashamed of myself; I was appalled at the kind of thoughts I was having.

I called on Jesus, Michael and all the saints for cleansing. I recited Hail Mary several times over and over – but for all the help that was, I might as well have been reciting an M.I verse.

Still – I kept it together and played dutiful husband to perfection.

Then, Tola and I began to drift apart.

I still don't how I came to realize she was obsessed with you. Or maybe I had known for a while – I didn't want to accept it. Everything that should have warned me I chalked up to 'first-time excitement on her part – I mean; it's usually that way especially under the right conditions.

But – but; this was crazy.

I had no idea when she went to inquire what kind you were coming as – next thing I knew; she was filling the house with all kinds of stuff.

Without telling me.

I lost it.

I had a loud argument with her that night. I called her all sorts of names – from inconsiderate to selfish to self-absorbed – in short, I created all sorts of permutations of the word 'self' – in fact; I turned 'self' into a prefix.

She wouldn't budge.

So I did something – something I still wish I could take back till now – something I wish I had just swallowed my tongue about.

I asked her to choose between you and me.

She looked me dead in the eye, smiled – and walked out of the only room we'd ever shared as husband and wife.

I thought she was bluffing. I thought it was just a matter of time – she would come round. After staying up for a while I curled up and went to sleep on the floor.

Hours later, the moon's lazy gaze the answer to my inquiring one, I went to look for her. After walking all over the house, I finally found her asleep in the room she'd earmarked as yours.

That was it.

The morning after, I left the house. I truly did feel there wasn't a place for me in it anymore – or maybe I was hoping she would miss me and beg me to come back. She did call – a few hours later as I arrived Lanre's place in Ajah. I told her I was fine – but that I couldn't stay with her in that house anymore. She hummed her understanding – told me her mother would be coming to be with her – and then rushed me off the phone.

I was unhappy. Depressed. Yet, there was a freeing within me – a sort of weightlessness. It was somehow – because I knew then me and Tola would work out somehow. I felt we would come out of that phase better.

What I didn't know then was what it would cost.

Lanre; as is his quiet dignified manner didn't say much. Just opened a bottle of Johnny Walker, gave me and glass with ice cubes and left me alone in the guest room. After a while, he came back to suggest we go out and I obliged. We went to Rapsody's and I mixed and mingled with all sorts of women who helped me forget – at least for the night.

No. I didn't sleep with them. I didn't even kiss any.

We just talked and that was it.

I felt better – and after two days with Lanre I started to consider going back home to pick up the rest of my stuff. But I figured I'd leave it till the following day.

Tola called me that night.

But it wasn't a Tola I knew. There was so much pain in her voice – so much hurt and agony I started shaking. She just kept calling my name and asking me to come home. I jumped out of the house in my boxers and flew down to Ikeja. God was good to me; there was hardly any traffic so I got home in time. I barged into my house, screamed my wife's name.

Her voice sounded from the bathroom. I ran there and threw open the door –

And saw her lying on the floor.

Dear God, I have never seen so much blood...

She lost you.

It was rough. Within weeks, all that was left of Tola was skin and bones. Her very appearance scared me; she wouldn't eat or drink anything.

All she did was cry. And sigh.

And cry some more.

I don't which gutted me more; the sight of her hurting like that; or the guilt I was carrying inside. In some subtle way I was feeling resentful – I blamed her for some of it.

But I bit down on that bit and soldiered on.

Things still were not good. We lived in the house like two strangers – walking past each other barely acknowledging one another – like running into your side chick at Shoprite while you're shopping with your wife. It was crazy – I felt like I was walking on shattered glass. She had the room while I had the sofa – and the room she had been obsessed with had become out of bounds – even for her. It was hard.

But I knew it couldn't go like that. And I was right.

Then came the night she came soundlessly to me in the living room, patiently dragging open my arms and squeezing herself into them; tangling her legs with mine so she wouldn't fall off – and then let out the tears that scalded like steam from a overheating radiator.

And in so many ways, that description is apt.

And as dawn began to slowly open its eyes, hers finally closed in sleep – deep sleep, the likes I haven't seen her have in months.

That was it. She – or rather, we came back after that.

Slowly, she got back to herself, her dimples began to fill out, her hips started to round up again and finally we had that conversation. No blaming, no name-calling or bitterness. Just owning up to mistakes that had come from both sides of the table, addressing them, apologizing and moving on.

We even came to a point where we agreed on what to call you.

"Onome," she said. And I agreed.

That was a year ago.

I'll soon be leaving the house – mum is preparing Tola for the hospital waka. She has been having contraptions – I mean contractions; and they seem to be coming faster by the minute. We're about welcoming your sister –

Mama just called me. I have to go now, son.

I love you. Always.

## Absolution - Veronica and a New Customer

A cold, metallic strip scratches her back. She cannot help the shudder that shakes her slender, very naked frame – and the vulnerable feeling that comes after.

It's a strange feeling. Very uncomfortable too.

"Are you okay?"

She realizes then that the lullaby rocking her gently in her state of 'unawareness' – the bedsprings – have stopped singing. She opens her eyes and see him bent over her, concern etched on his face.

"Are you okay?" he asks again.

She grabs his hips and pulls him onto her, urging him on with her thighs. She pushes her face into his shoulder, enjoying the clean smell of him – and makes some meaningless noise. His shoulder muscles unclasp themselves under her hands and his weight sags against her.

She lets him lie there and drifts away –

Or at least she tries to. He kisses her neck, tonguing the crook where neck joins with shoulder – and his mouth continues up; a heated orifice – murmuring sweet nothings in her ear.

It tickles – a feeling she's not used to.

She closes her eyes and brings up her mother's face. Her mother; back in –

An involuntary moan escapes her mouth and her eyes fall open in shock. His mouth; ever restless, has found a breast and is suckling at it; albeit quite gently. The sensations are doing something to her lower belly – sensations received and redirected by similar action below her waist. Her thighs start to tremble.

She sucks in air through her mouth and looks at the face above her, illuminated in the light streaming in through the window from the neighbor's.

What kind of guy is this?

There are several beads of sweat on his eyebrow – his eyes are tightly closed but other than that, his face is bereft of emotion. But for a few lines between the brows, corner of the eyes and mouth it's as smooth as a baby's bum bum.

And then, a smile curves his almost-not-there lips. A couple new sounds are introduced to their private haven; the breathe rustling through his slightly open smiling mouth, breathe from laboring lungs; breathe accompanied by small moans. She touches his chest; throwing her head back as intense heat mushrooms from her centre and along her spine –

He gasps. _Oh no._

He exhales violently and sags, arms falling apart like sticks of cooked spaghetti made to stand without support. His full weight falls on her and the breath is pushed out of her violently –

"I'm sorry – I'm so – "

He starts to roll off her, still apologizing. She grabs and pulls him back to her chest, running her fingers along his scalp and neck and back, holding him still with her legs and thighs locked around his hips. He buries his head in her shoulder, trembling gently from spent passion –

A sound interrupts the silence.

A sound that sounds curiously like a sob.

*********************************************************************************************

She lies – unmoving – and watches him.

The flare of the lighter illuminates his face brightly for the briefest of moments – and then it goes out and it's just the light – a few scattered beams – piercing the curtains. The end of the cigarette glows brightly and recedes – a cloud of smoke floats from his mouth to wrap itself around his head – looking like a halo around Jesus' head in some pictures.

A deep sigh is squeezed from his belly; and she knows it's time for the second part of her job.

The listening.

"Why aren't you married?"

The question shocks her mouth open – and then she closes it and rearranges her face into a frown. She cannot resist a barb; "If I was married, would you be here?"

His self-possessed mask slips and surprise appears as though conjured up. "I didn't mean..." he shakes his head, dispelling the cloud around it. "I'm sorry."

She's instantly contrite. "Don't mind me." She holds herself still – and then the words pour forth. "I never really thought any man was worth the trouble."

He nods slowly, as though approving her response. She watches as he takes another pull at the cigarette – and then the glimmer off one of his fingers inspires a question.

"Why are _you_ married?"

He starts awake. "Ehn?"

She nods in the direction of his ring. "Your ring. That's a wedding ring, right?"

Her eyes lead his towards the middle finger of his left hand, and he stares at the white gold band as though he hadn't seen it before. He holds the hand up for a while, staring at the ring, cigarette smoke from his right hand wrapping itself around his face like so many white bandages –

"I can't exactly call it a wedding ring; seeing I don't have a wife – "

"What happened to the one that gave you that?" She is curious.

His chuckle is without humor, his voice without feeling. He might as well be reciting the news – and even newscasters know to put inflection and some feeling in their voice. "Roughly three months ago I found out I was the only one in my neighborhood who wasn't sleeping with her." He shrugs. "Seems she has a thing for younger men. Who would have thought?"

His dispassionate recital annoys her for some reason she cannot fathom. "Didn't you love her?" she asks, indignation putting a rough edge to her voice.

There's just enough illumination for her to see the frown that deepens his brows. "Honestly, I don't know. I sha know I really liked her, was faithful and did my best to make her happy." He shrugs – and like a signal, the frown disappears. "It just wasn't enough."

"Are you sure? You're the one telling the story – of course you'll say it to favor yourself. I'm sure she has an entirely different story to tell."

He blows ash off the end of the cigarette and takes a long drag before looking at her – and shrugging again. "Well, it doesn't matter anymore."

"What do you mean?" she asks, grabbing a pillow and hugging it against her breasts. "What happened?"

"What do you think happened?" His eyes hover over her face like a mosquito trying to decide where to land as he looks at her directly for the first time since he started talking. "I didn't kill her o – I don't have the energy for that kind of wahala. I just let her go."

"I didn't think you would kill her – " she stops talking as he stands up, droplets of sweat gleaming on his nude torso. He crushes the cigarette in the used Kiwi polish tin she'd placed on the table for that purpose; flicking grains of ash off his fingers in distaste – as he suddenly rubs his left eye with his free unoccupied right hand.

Then he reaches for his shirt.

"How old are you?"

He finishes his dressing ritual – shirt, boxers, socks, trousers, shoes, wrist watch – in that order – before acknowledging her question. "I'm forty-two," he says in the same emotionless voice he has been speaking with all evening. "Why?"

"You don't look it," she says as she rises from the bed, naked as the back of his hand. She walks towards him, straightens his shirt collar and reaches for her bra. "You don't look it, and you definitely don't act like it."

She snaps the undergarment in place and lifts her face to smile at him. "I like your style."

Turning away, she continues her own version of the same ritual he finished some minutes earlier, aware that he is watching. But his eyes don't scare her or make her shiver in fear like she's used to; no – rather his eyes make her feel warm.

Beautiful. A feeling she's not used to.

He watches like someone looking at something he has seen before; a favorite goal or movie, but is still excited by it.

He steps up and helps pull the zipper of the little red dress up to her neck – softly brushing her braids out of the way.

"Thank you," she mutters, slightly disconcerted by his nearness. He nods and steps back as she smoothens the dress over her round hips. Adding a little blush to her cheeks, she observes herself in a small mirror – before turning to face him.

His facial muscles contort – and then lend themselves to a smile. "Let me buy you a drink," he says.

She stiffens, feeling out of place. That is not the usual way nights like this end. "I am not the kind of girl you buy a drink for," she retorts, banter gone from her voice.

His face smoothens out. "Oh," he says, unable to hide the disappointment flowing in his voice. "Forgive me." He turns and makes his way towards the door – something heavy in his footsteps.

"Orijin," she says suddenly – in a singsong voice quite unlike her.

"What?" He is standing at the door, one hand holding the doorframe, the other in a fist. He refuses to turn and look at her.

She steps up to him. "I drink Orijin," she says again, something in his eyes making her heart flutter. It seems to be her day of feelings she is not used to.

"Women drink that stuff?" he asks, amazement on his face.

Tinkling laughter makes its way around the room. "What is it to you?"

He raises his hands in surrender. "Nothing, nothing. I just..."

Their voices fade as they step out.

Brave – Some Guy and Khadija

My daddy used to tell me "Run away when you see any of these two things: a man without a conscience, and a woman with love in her eyes".

The first I understood immediately.

The second made no sense to me till two nights ago when I was walking Khadija home from night class.

I like her.

She is small, really pretty with eyes that can look like saucers – or a dog's – depending on what she wants from you, and a nose that is...well...

A nose that is cute.

Her mouth is something else. It constantly makes me think of a hard day on campus, without food, thinking about Seyi's Shawarma.

The best shawarma anywhere. Quote me.

So – imagine I've been waiting for the shawarma, mouth releasing juices inspired by the aroma of cooking dough and chicken and various sauces.

And then finally. It is ready.

So I grab the hot meal, unwrap it – and take a first look at what I've been waiting for.

Khadija's mouth is like that. But I digress.

She is beautiful. And I know that. And her friends know that. And my friends know that.

And they think we should be together. And our course mates have been championing that cause since we gained admission.

Now that I think about it, I can say I wasn't exactly averse to the idea. I just didn't think someone like her would want to be with someone like me.

She wanted to be friends. I was thankful for that at least.

It was enough. Then.

And then.

Two nights ago, we had just finished reading a particularly tricky handout – the man was fond of hiding stuff in his notes and then basing test/exam questions on the hidden stuff. We cracked a cipher to the rest of the class – and they were hailing us as geeks, telling us to get married and raise a family of geeks – that the world needed our children.

We laughed with the rest and said our goodnights.

Now I live off campus – in a hostel opposite school, to be exact while she lived on campus, but the two hostels weren't far from each other so I walked with her to hers, leading the way through dense bush paths that would have seemed daunting but for the lights that blazed along the trail. NEPA had been good to us.

She was unusual quiet, not saying much but reaching for my hand and hanging onto it. I don't think I mentioned the softness that is her before...but she is soft. She is soft.

As we walked that night, I found myself wondering what it would be like to hug her. I eyed the gentle swelling on her chest – and guiltily turned my head away.

I shouldn't be thinking such things.

Too soon, I saw the lights that indicated we had arrived her hostel. Confidently she walked the path, leading me by the hand almost without looking and then we were at her door. She stopped, pulling me up beside her till we were both underneath the security lights and then stood there looking at me.

"Goodnight," I croaked.

She didn't say anything – she just stood there and looked at me – pinning me there with that something that was stirring in the depths of her eyes.

My father's words floated down – as though from the bulb;

"Run away when you see any of these two things..."

Guy, I couldn't move.

Suddenly her eyes loomed closer – but it wasn't until they receded did I realize what she just did.

She had stood on tiptoes and tried to kiss me.

Did I mention how tall I am?

She fell back – and then smiled, gleaming white teeth swimming in a sea of pink. She whispered 'don't move' in a conspiratorial tone and disappeared, opening and closing the door.

I was blinking, trying to get the sparks out of my eyes when she returned bearing something. She set it down in front of me – I realized it was a stool – and maintaining eye contact, she climbed it, slowly put her arms around my neck –

My brain started buzzing, turning a particular code over and over but I couldn't get it at the time –

And then the coolest lips in the world touched mine.

Oh boy.

Seyi's Sharwarma sweet o. No lie.

But it was ashes compared to what I had in my mouth that night. In fact, if she agrees to kiss me like that once a week I wouldn't touch that shawarma – or any other one for that matter – ever again.

I think NEPA took power and restored it like fifteen times in the whole thirty seconds we kissed.

Finally she let go of my mouth. Finally I could breath again.

And finally, I got the code my brain had been turning over since.

One word:

_RUN._

## acknowledgement

Belief in God is a reminder that I don't have to be alone anymore; I have a father who gives a fuck about me actually; a brother who always has time for me and a comforter who it's never too late to call.

Seriously; what could be better?

Thank you, dear daddy and family.

Block 20 Media, thank you for the opportunity to work with you guys. It was an experience all the way; one I am eager to repeat. Thank you.

To The Psalmurai; your passion for what you do is infectious. I like the way energy bounces back and forth between us; I like the synergy. Let's do this again – and soon.

All the guys who worked with me on this – the in-your-face guys and the behind-the scenes guys; thank you. The Underline team; God bless you plenty!

Now let's make this money.

Ogechi; PA of substance, thank you. I'm sure you'll find this blush-worthy, but you must know; you have no idea how much you're teaching me. Thank you so much and much.

Ayo, thank you. For always coming through, for always taking my calls and for the willingness to work with me on stuff – no matter how inconvenient. Let me know when it's time for that Oscar movie.

I got you.

Oxygen; God bless you always. I would have loved for you to be more involved in this – but things being what they are; I understand. Thank you for your part.

Happy Wedded Life by the way.

Ife; for always making time for me. For believing so much you invest your time, money, prayers and what nots. Thank you bro. My love to your beautiful family.

Now fly. It's about that time.

Lexain the boss; thank you plenty! Your support and encouragement – not to mention the contribution – are all invaluable. Ose; broda!!!

Hustle On!

Ope; you're like a striker – I've become so comfortable in your abilities that I miss deadlines – just because I know you'll cover me; not to mention your patience with my one-hundred-and five corrections. I'll never take that for granted. Thank you.

To the companies/agencies who partnered with me on this; Fuel Communications, Noah's Ark, The Hustle League, Apesobey, RurfGear – thank you.

Special holla to Abolaji Alausa. Thank you for the faith! Love to Olori 1.

My Fuel fam too – thank you for the love. You guys are awesome.

Nneka. My sister. Times being what they are, we haven't had much space to talk like we used to – it doesn't make any difference however. You're still and will always be, blood.

Love to you. Your family.

All the women. The ladies. The girls. The madams.

For the love. Pain. Hurt. Warmth. What would life be without you?

Thank you for it all.

Tomi Adesina. Timayin. Rich & Lynn. Maskuraid. Mainland Book Club. Topaz. Girlspice. For everything. And a bit more.

Thank you.

I have a friend named Scott...

Burning is not the only thing fire does o. I'm sure you know.

Thank you.

My dance partner – here we go again. Still dancing.

Still believe?

You know I cannot talk about love without talking about my mum. I just want to say – thank you to her; for raising me the best way possible. For the example of love she was. For making me feel so special. And awesome. And giving me the confidence to do whatever.

My mother. Love always.

If I didn't mention you, blame my head not my heart. I still got you.

www.seunodukoya.com

Let's Hang Out @seunodukoya

