>>> THANK YOU ALL FOR COMING ON
SUCH SHORT NOTICE.
ONCE AGAIN, I'M AGENT MORRIS
WITH THE N.S.A.
AND THIS IS SPECIAL
AGENT FITZSIMMONS.
>> YOU THREE ARE OF GREAT
INTEREST TO THE U.S. GOVERNMENT.
AS YOU ARE THE FIRST AND ONLY
PEOPLE TO HAVE EXPERIENCED TWO
VERIFIED ALIEN ABDUCTIONS.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> MAN, THIS IS NUTS.
LIKE ONE MINUTE WE ARE DRINKING
BEER IN THE KOHL'S PARKING LOT.
NOW IT'S LIKE WE ARE CAUSING A
COSMIC CURE YOSZ -- CURIOSITY.
>> INDEED.
NOW, CAN YOU TELL US HOW YOU
WERE BROUGHT ABOARD THE
SPACECRAFT?
>> FIRST OF ALL, I WOULD A LIKE
TO THANK YOU FOR THIS BITCHIN
HAT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
IT FITS ME PERFECT.
I LOVE IT.
>> EXCELLENT.
WE ARE GLAD YOU LIKE IT.
>> TO ANSWER YOUR QUESTION, SIR,
IT WAS SORT OF THIS PATHWAY MADE
OF
GOLDEN LIGHT CAME DOWN FROM THE
SPACESHIP.
AND WE WERE JUST LIKE GENTLY
USHERED IN AND LIKE FLOATED UP
INTO IT.
>> THEN WE GOT UP INTO THE SHIP.
AND WE SAW THE ALIENS, GLOWING
BEAMS MADE OF LIGHT, BEAUTIFUL
LIGHT.
WELCOMING US BACK.
IT WAS AMAZING.
>> I SEE, AND YOU,
MISS RAFFERTY.
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
>> COOKIE CRUMBLED LITTLE
DIFFERENT FOR ME OVER HERE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
I WASN'T SO MUCH LIFTED BY A
LIGHT AS I WAS CAUGHT IN A NET.
LITTLE BASTARDS SET A SNARE FOR
ME.
NEXT THING I KNOW, I'M BEING
WINCHED STRAIGHT UP THROUGH THE
#
WORLD'S SAPPIEST PINE TREE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
MY SLACKS GET SNAGGED ON A
BRANCH.
AND THEY ARE GONE.
AND I'M HAULED ON BOARD, YOU
KNOW, WITH MY BUSH AND MY TUSH
HANGING OUT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
AND I SEE MY OLD PALS, THE GREAT
ALIENS WITH THE BIG, FAT, STUPID
EYES AND I'M HIT WITH THE #
REALIZATION, "FIRST TIME I'VE
BEEN ON A SECOND DATE SINCE
2009."
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> NOW, ONCE ABOARD THE SHIP,
WHAT HAPPENED?
>> WELL, THE ALIENS TOUCHED OUR
FOREHEADS.
AND I SAW MY WHOLE LIFE, EVEN
PARTS I HAVEN'T EVEN LIVED YET.
IN A LOT OF THOSE PARTS, I WAS
WEARING THIS HAT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> YEAH, LIKE I WISH I COULD
DESCRIBE IT IN WORDS.
BUT THERE ARE NO WORDS.
IT WAS LIKE, AS IF THROUGH THEIR
TOUCH, I UNDERSTOOD THE ANSWER
TO THAT ALL-IMPORTANT QUESTION
LIKE, "WHY ARE WE HERE."
>> WHAT?
[ LAUGHTER ]
THESE GUYS ARE TRIPPING OUT AT
BURNING MAN.
MEANWHILE I'M STRANDED AT THE
FIRE FESTIVAL.
I MEAN, I HADN'T BEEN ON BOARD
TWO MINUTES BEFORE THE LITTLE
GRAYS START TAPPING ON MY
KNOCKERS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
KEEP IN MIND, I HAVE GOT NO
PANTS, SO MY TACO AND MY CHACCO
ARE OUT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
AND THIS ONE GUY, SLIM LITTLE
GRAY -- PEEKS AROUND BACK AND
STARTS POINTING AT MY BUTT.
WHOA.
HOW DID WE MISS THIS?
>> INTERESTING.
HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE THEIR
DEMEANOR?
>> LIKE SHOPPERS SWARMING ON
WALMART ON BLACK FRIDAY.
THEY WERE DROPPING IN,
SCRAMBLING.
A MAN SHOT MY PETE MEAT LIKE
PIZZA DOE.
SOME WOULD KNEAD ME
LIKE THEY ARE KNEADING ON PIZZA
DOUGH.
IF YOU COME BACK FOR SECONDS,
DINNER IS A HIT, RIGHT?
>> I WONDER IF THIS WAS SOME
SORT OF ANATOMICAL STUDY.
>> NO.
NO.
I DON'T THINK THIS THING WAS
LEAVING A PAPER TRAIL.
ABOUT A THIRD OF THEM, YOU KNOW,
ARE THEY COMING KIND OF FUN.
HERE IS MY -- HERE, ALRIGHT?
TODD, DO YOU MIND HELPING ME OUT
HERE?
STAND UP PAL.
YA.
YA.
OKAY, TURN AROUND.
OKAY.
SO THE GRAYS, RIGHT, THEY DON'T
HAVE BUTTS LIKE THIS BUTT.
SO I DON'T THINK THEY HAVE EVER
SEEN A CRACK BEFORE.
YEAH?
SO MY THEORY IS THEY THOUGHT I
HAD BROKEN INTO TWO PIECES.
YEAH?
[ LAUGHTER ]
AND THEY WERE TRYING TO LIKE PUT
HUMPTY DUMPTY BACK TOGETHER
AGAIN.
THEY WERE TRYING EVERYTHING.
AND I MEAN THEY WERE STRAINING.
SO THEY WERE GOING LIKE -- ONE
LITTLE FOOL WAS TRYING TO LIKE
PUNCH IT BACK TOGETHER LIKE HE
WAS BREAKING IN A CATCHER'S
MITT.
ANOTHER ONE OF THE IDIOTS WAS
JUST LIKE JAMMING HIS FACE --
RIGHT IN THERE LOOKING FOR THE
SOURCE OF THE RUPTURE.
AND I WAS LIKE, "HEY, LAST GUY
WHO DID THAT GOT DOUBLE BARREL
PINK EYE."
THANKS, TODD.
SIT DOWN.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> NOW, HOW ARE YOU ALL RETURNED
TO EARTH?
>> WE WERE LED DOWN A PATH OF
GREAT LIGHT CRADLED BY WHAT FELT
LIKE A BIG FUZZY MITTEN.
AND IT ALMOST FELT LIKE GOD
HIMSELF WAS SORT OF PLAYING WITH
MY HAIR.
AND IT WAS ONE OF THE HAPPIEST
MOMENTS OF MY LIFE, RIGHT UP
THERE WITH GETTING THIS HAT.
>> TODD, EASY UP ON THE HAT.
WHEN THE ALIENS LEFT, I DO
REMEMBER LIKE FEELING HAPPY AND
SAFE.
BECAUSE I KNOW THEY WOULD ALWAYS
BE THERE, LIKE WATCH OVER ME.
>> THAT REALLY PUTS A BEE IN MY
BEAVER.
I GOT PUSHED OUT A HATCH TO FIND
OUT THEY LET ME OUT ON TOP OF
THE SHIP.
SO I GOT TO SCOOT MYSELF DOWN
COLD METAL TO A JUMP SPOT.
I FREE FALL 20 FEET DOWN.
I LAND ASS ON A POOL
RAFT WITH MY PINK POCKET AND MY
STINK ROCKET ON FULL DISPLAY IN
THE MIDDLE OF DANNY RANDLE'S
POOL PARTY.
>> WAIT, WHO IS DANNY RANDLE?
>> BEATS THE HELL OUT OF ME.
BUT HE'S NEVER GOING TO FORGET
HIS 12th BIRTHDAY I TELL YOU
THAT.
>> WELL, IF YOU WOULDN'T MIND
COMING WITH US, WE WOULD LIKE TO
RUN SOME MEDICAL TESTS.
>> OKAY.
GREAT.
JUST SO YOU GUYS KNOW, SOME OF
THE BRUISES ON MY KEISTER WERE
THERE BEFORE THE ALIENS GOT TO
IT.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
♪♪♪
