- There's different advice
for different people
at different levels of
their journey, okay?
In self-help, it's great.
You find out about things
like social momentum,
as an example, right?
So hey, if I'm thinking a lot,
if I just minimize time in
between some interactions,
my mind won't have enough time to kick in.
Does that work?
Yeah, to a certain amount,
but it never fixes the problem, right?
You never get to the cause as
to why is your mind kicking
in and overthinking,
you're just trying to battle it.
The same with people who
have social anxiety, right?
What's the traditional
approach to social anxiety?
Doing social anxiety challenges,
progressive desensitization.
Well, you temporarily feel a
little bit more comfortable,
socially if you put yourself out there,
in different social anxiety
situations and challenges?
Yes or no?
Yeah, you put yourself in front
of say, if you're scared
of public speaking,
you go in front of a crowd,
you do it enough, you'll
desensitize yourself to it.
But only to a certain amount
and only as long as you keep doing it.
As soon as you stop doing
the challenges, what happens?
You fall back to ground zero.
So what's your solution?
If you're like,
"Well, I'm doing anxiety
challenges every day."
I hear people say that.
"I go out in the street and
I do my little challenges
"and I talk some people and I sing a song
"and people judge me and
now I feel very free."
I'm like, "Okay, well, you
can do that till you're 80,
"is that your solution?"
To stay confident gonna be like
the 80 year old grandparent,
like, you going out to much challenges.
No, it doesn't work.
It only works so far.
It never gets to the cause as
to why you have social
anxiety to begin with, right?
The same with you.
If like consistency, self-sabotage,
you feel like you keep being pulled back.
People tell you like, "Okay,
well, put good habits in place
"and different boundaries, so
you just don't have a choice."
Yeah, but it never addresses that thing
that just keeps pulling you back.
Or you at the front, it's like,
"Well, maybe I can force
myself to drop the front
"or come up with techniques
to be more (mumbles)."
Why do you have the front?
So much of self-help never
gets to the cause, right?
The same with things like affirmations.
Affirmations, I am awesome, I am awesome.
Does that help?
Now you could say temporarily, it could,
but, if a part of you
deep down inside believes
that you're not, it doesn't matter
how many times you tell
yourself you're awesome,
you're still gonna think that you're not.
We all have that voice in the
background like, "I am great."
"No, you're not."
"I am great."
"No, you're not."
But someone told me if
I said it 200 times,
maybe it would work.
After 200 times, try it,
that voice is still gonna say,
no you're not after, okay?
It doesn't get to the cause.
The biggest takeaway is
you must get to the cause,
okay?
Now do these bits of advice,
like I said, help temporarily?
Yes,
they help in a certain
paradigm and this is important.
It's the difference between
techniques and paradigms, okay?
Techniques versus paradigms.
Paradigm you can say is the reality,
the map, the situation, right?
For example, here's a paradigm
of you having social anxiety.
In this paradigm, for someone
who has social anxiety,
does it help to do
social anxiety challenges
and to progressively
desensitize themselves to it?
Yes.
Right?
But you're still in the
paradigm of having it.
The key is, instead of looking
for techniques within that paradigm,
drop it and move to a paradigm
where you just don't have social anxiety.
And you don't need all those
challenges and techniques.
The same with someone who's
stifled socially, right?
You wanna know your ceiling
of success when it comes
to social interactions,
as soon as you start freezing.
I'm sure you've noticed this,
if you talk to someone you feel like,
"Oh, we're in the same league."
or "I'm a little bit
outside their league."
You don't run out of things to say, right?
You can talk and talk and talk.
You can show your personality.
You can be charismatic.
You probably dropped that
front, but as soon as you talk
to someone you think, "Oh,
they're a little bit above me."
You start freezing.
In that paradigm of someone
being stifled, does it help
to look up techniques for how
to never run out of things
to say?
yes or no?
- [Man] Yeah.
- Yeah, oh, what if I ran out
of things say, what can I do?
Well, I can say this, but guess what?
What about just not being stifled?
And not even needing that technique
of how to, no I do not
run out of things to say,
'cause you just don't
run out of things to say.
And that's the thing, so
many of us were looking
for these techniques that
entrench us in that paradigm.
The same with affirmations, right?
If you believe deep down inside,
it's like I'm not good enough
and then you try to convince yourself,
I'm good enough, I'm good
enough, I'm good enough.
Is it better than nothing?
Yeah, but it doesn't
address that original cause
which is, wait, why do I
believe I'm not good enough?
Okay?
The same with I'm not confident,
I need to work on my confidence
to become confidence.
No, will it help?
Temporarily, but it
never gets to the cause.
You wanna know why?
'Cause only someone who isn't confident,
is working on being confidence.
The more you work on being confidence,
this is also the catch,
the more it entrenches
you in that paradigm.
The more you work on being confident,
the more you tell yourself,
you're not confidence.
The more you try to convince yourself
that I am great through affirmations,
the more it's reinforcing
that original assumption
that you're not great.
The more you work on these techniques
to not run out of things to say,
the more it reinforces,
the hate around this
person you're stifled.
The more you work on
social anxiety challenges,
the more you tell yourself,
I have social anxiety.
Okay?
So, you gotta catch yourself here.
Techniques are great
and in every paradigm there
are certain techniques
and that's perfect.
But if you've reached a point
where you're going after technique,
technique, technique, technique
and it's getting so
overwhelming and complicated,
'cause that's what happens.
You start with a few basic ones
and it doesn't give you that result,
So you just double down and
double down and double down
and you're still not getting
the result you're after,
then guess what?
It's not about techniques,
it's about Shifting paradigms
and realities completely.
Okay?
And it is possible, like what do you mean?
You can shift to not
having social anxiety?
Yeah.
But, it also comes down to understanding
what social anxiety really is, right?
We treat it like a real fear.
So much, of social anxiety is
simply you getting triggered.
And this is important, okay?
I'm sure you've heard that
term getting triggered, right?
It's passed around everywhere.
It's like, there's
triggered memes and stuff
but if you think about it,
what is getting triggered?
It's when your response is
disproportionate to reality.
Okay?
Your buttons are being pushed.
If I take you, you know
any of you, like you.
And I bring you up here in front,
and I make you sing a song.
You're probably gonna freeze.
For a lot of people public
speaking is like close to death.
They freeze like, (breathing
heavily) and it was like sing,
and they're like,
like freaking out!
Now,
is their response
proportionate to reality?
- [Audience] No.
- No.
Is their life at risk?
No.
The same with a lot of
social anxiety, right?
I've seen it for years.
It's like, "Hey, go
say hi to that person."
(breathing heavily) Hanging on to me.
I'm like, "Come on, go say hi."
and they're like,, "No."
it's like, is their life at risk?
(audience laughs)
I guess it depends where you live
but in most cases, no.
Right?
So, it's a disproportionate response
to the situation at hand.
Now, to be clear is there
some realistic social anxiety?
Yeah, you could say it's not
necessarily 100% comfortable.
There are situations where
there's a little bit of pressure
but so much of the
responses that people get,
the reactions is simply
them getting triggered
and they treat that as if it's real.
It's like, "Go say hi."
(breathing heavily)
And they're like, "Well, that's
a real fear, what can I do?"
And if you assume it's a real fear
and then you try to find techniques,
what happens?
It reinforces it, and you're stuck.
Okay?
So understand, that whenever
you're getting triggered,
whenever your response is
disproportionate to reality,
it's because something, inside of you
that you've disowned, is being poked at.
Okay?
So let's break this down and this is key.
You've heard me most likely
talk about trauma a lot, right?
And it's a big word.
You hear it, you're like,
"Wow, trauma, that's some
serious stuff," right?
You might look back at
your childhood, your past,
you're like, well, I've
had a pretty cushy past.
No trauma there, right?
A lot of people believe that.
My past was pretty cushy too, right?
Good family in Switzerland,
loving parents still together.
Do you think I had trauma?
Yes or no?
- [Audience] Yes.
- Of course.
'Cause everyone has trauma.
And it comes down to
understanding what is trauma.
It's of course some big word,
and we think trauma is like
abuse and violence and stuff.
And is that traumatic?
Yes.
But what we fail to realize
is that trauma is anything
that is too overwhelming for us to handle.
And that depends
on the person
and their perception of the world.
As a kid, you don't know
everything about the world,
if you're lost in a grocery store,
it could feel like you're about to die.
That can be traumatic.
As a kid being told, "Hey, don't do that."
can be traumatic.
If you depend on your
parents for survival,
your parents saying, "Don't do that."
you interpret it as them yelling at you.
"If they yell at me,
if they don't love me,
"they could abandon me, I die."
Traumatic.
So, we all experienced trauma.
It's part of the human
condition you could say.
And what happens is when we experience it,
in order to survive,
we're going to disown either
the experience altogether
or a certain aspect of ourselves,
right? If you were allowed in school,
and the whole class shamed
you, or laughed at you, right?
You might be like, this is the world,
the whole classroom is
the world, I'm gonna die
so you take the part of you that's loud
and it's like, never again.
That's not me, right?
Putting yourself out there socially,
let's never do that again,
social aspect to me, never.
Loud expressive, never.
And we have this split inside.
And then,
as you grow
there's layers and layers
of resistance that get
added to it, it compounds.
And here you are in your adult life.
Logically if you look at the situation,
no reason to freak out.
"Go say hi."(breathes heavily)
'Cause that part of you
that you disowned back then
gets poked at, gets triggered
and shoots up closer into your awareness.
And the same survival instinct,
the same I'm going to die
that you experienced when
you disowned it, resurfaces.
And we treat that as real fear.
Or as soon as you get triggered you try
to desensitize yourself to it.
And that's why it doesn't work.
And people will say, "Well,
you just gotta live with it.
"It doesn't get better but
that's just how it is."
No, get to the cause,
re-own what's been poked at
and now guess what?
Those situations don't
push your buttons anymore.
You're free from it.
And you're left with the realistic,
appropriate response to reality.
You can do this audit with your life.
Analyze your life,
where's my response
disproportionate to reality?
And you'll see small situations
where you're just triggered, right?
Someone cuts you off in traffic,
and you're like go hard
and start going off.
You're like, "Well, that was
disproportionate to reality."
There's one.
For a lot of people it's a breakup.
They're run by a breakup years later.
That's not an appropriate
response to reality.
You'll see people even remarry, right?
Old people that are like,
"My first wife." is
still triggered by it."
Is it sad to go through a breakup?
Of course, but not
something that should ruin
and run your life.
Right?
The same with you sitting at home alone.
For a lot of people they
just can't spend time
with themselves.
'Cause all that stuff starts bubbling up.
That's not an appropriate
response to reality.
It's a subtle version of
you getting triggered.
And if you just look at your life like
what if life didn't push my buttons?
Suddenly possibilities open up
and it's just like this very
freeing view of the world
you're like, "Wow, I'd be so free."
And it all comes from diving into this
and processing and releasing
what's getting poked at.
Now that being said,
doing social anxiety challenges,
I personally love it.
But my approach is very different.
Most people do challenges
to desensitize themselves.
Instead, why not do challenges
to proactively trigger yourself?
'Cause when you're triggered,
whatever is down there,
comes closer into your awareness.
You can say this is what you're aware of,
this is what you're not aware of.
Way down here is all
the things you disowned.
And it's a lot easier
to catch up here than down there, okay?
So in what I teach with
transformation mastery,
it's action, trigger, release, repeat.
That's the formula.
You wanna proactively be
triggering yourself through action,
to then release whatever gets
triggered and be free from it.
So say you take social anxiety,
you can do social anxiety challenges.
Put yourself in situations and suddenly
that disproportionate
response to reality kicks in.
Great, catch it, let go of it and repeat
until you're free from it completely.
This, is what has personally
gotten me those results,
I've been after for so long.
Those results that originally got me in
to personal development, right?
It's like a reality where you
don't have social anxiety,
a reality where you can express yourself
where there's no longer that fear,
where you're no longer
stifled and held back.
You're like, "That sounds great"
and here you are still chasing it.
And I remember it felt like,
man, maybe that'll just never happen.
It can if you get to the cause,
okay?
This here is also, as another side note,
what keeps that front
we put up alive, right?
We all have a certain front,
a lot of us feel like an imposter.
Why?
'Cause if there's all this
stuff you've disowned,
you're hiding from, of course,
you're gonna put up a front
to compensate for it.
And then you're afraid
people see through that front
and see everything that is you.
And then what we do is we
try to optimize the front.
You could say the ego, we
try to get more validation,
to add more fuel and power to the front.
And we're always walking
around with that fear,
like, "Are people gonna see me?
"Are people gonna see me?
"Are people gonna see me?".
Never truly getting to the cause.
We talked about before,
it's like, you could say
this is what you're aware of.
Okay, if you wanna generalize
how the mind works,
this is the conscious mind,
this is the subconscious.
There's two worlds inside
of you, you could say.
And what we do, is we only
focus on the part of ourselves
that we're aware of, the conscious mind.
And we never release what's down here,
okay?
You gotta release what's
in the subconscious.
And it's about processing,
not
about using affirmations
or trying to bullshit your subconscious.
So key, that's like the
bulldozer social anxiety version
of this type of work, okay?
Key quote to remember,
you cannot bullshit your subconscious.
You cannot reframe your subconscious.
You cannot negotiate
with your subconscious,
you cannot reason with your subconscious.
You can only let go.
Why?
Because as we discussed,
say, there's a part of you down here
and it's like, "You know what?
"You don't deserve more
than X amount in life."
And as soon as you go above
that, you self-sabotage.
Well, you might do is like, I
deserve more, I deserve more,
I deserve more, positive affirmation.
It's not gonna work.
Maybe if I analyze this
belief and I reframe it, no.
'Cause what happens if you reframe it?
As we discussed before,
you're still fueling it,
you're still giving it power.
Any action that's taken
after that belief reinforces
that original assumption
as we talked about before,
it doesn't get to the cause.
Instead, release it and it's just gone.
Make sense?
Don't take the bulldozer approach.
You can also view it like this it's like,
as we discussed.
I'm not confident, I wanna be confident.
How can I get there?
Any action taken away
from this, reinforces this
as the starting point,
reinforces that as the default.
The same with a thought
in your subconscious.
I'm gonna try to reframe
this, keeps it alive.
Instead, you want to
identify all the things
that have convinced you that it's alive,
all the things that are
maintaining that belief
and let go of it, right?
My good friend, his name is
Buddy, it's actually true.
He worked with Jordan Belfort
and he was talking to Jordan about this.
And Jordan is actually
super into spirituality,
and he might have gotten
this from Tony Robbins
but what he said is,
if you take a belief you can
think about it as a table.
All right?
There's the table.
For example, I'm not good enough, right?
And that's the belief.
And what we try to do
is let's just say it's
a very sturdy table,
as we try to bang on it with a bat,
and it just doesn't break, right?
You bang, you bang, you bang,
that's like someone saying,
"I'm gonna a reframe
this, I am good enough!"
Like that.
Say, it's like you it's like,
"I'm afraid of other men."
its like, "I'm not afraid!"
Yeah, it's not gonna work.
Instead,
find
the references
or the things that are
keeping this belief alive.
Nuke the legs of the table,
and then it's just gone.
That's what we're doing here.
Instead of say, "I'm not
good enough, now what?"
Wait a minute,
what's keeping this, I'm not
good enough assumption alive?
What are all the things
that I've bought into?
Experiences, lies that
are keeping it alive.
And this is why you hear me
talk so much about letting go.
If you let go of all of this you realize,
Oh, I've been good enough this whole time.
And you just start with good enough.
You enter that other paradigm
as opposed to techniques.
So with everything is the same its like,
social anxiety, desensitize
bang, bang, bang on the table.
No, why do I have social anxiety?
Past traumatic experiences,
assumptions, core beliefs,
nuke the legs out don't bang the table.
You can bang the table
all your fucking life,
it's not gonna work.
Okay.
And in terms of table banging too.
'Cause this is what you probably get,
it's like, "Oh, this makes sense."
And then you're trying
to consciously think
of all the things that are
keeping that belief alive,
as we discussed here.
The things that are keeping
that belief alive are
out of your awareness under
layers and layers of resistance.
To the point where even if you
try to become aware of it now
it can be close to
impossible, if not impossible.
Super important, this is
a classic self-help quote.
There's what you know, there's
what you know you don't know,
and there's what you
don't know you don't know.
That's what runs us.
And this is why you can use for example,
social anxiety challenges
to trigger yourself.
'Cause now you can find out,
ooh, something got poked out.
It allows you to identify,
what you don't know you don't know, okay?
Another way you can identify
what you don't know you
don't know, is through
what I call shadow questions, okay?
What are shadow questions?
You can think of them as
probes that you send down here
and you see what the answers
get offered up to you.
So here's an example.
Imagine I were to ask you,
Why do you not deserve success?
What's the first thing that comes to mind
when you hear this?
I do what the (mumbles) what do you mean?
Of course I do.
And I'm not saying you don't.
And that's the thing,
with the shadow question,
don't analyze the content of the question.
Think of it as I'm sending
that probe down here,
what gets offered up?
Why don't I deserve success?
And maybe that little voice
is like, "'cause you're ugly."
or spits something else, right?
Great, write that down, that's data.
It's probes that give you the data
of what's, perhaps keeping
you unsuccessful or stuck
or self-sabotage your life, okay?
When it comes to
self-sabotage too by the way,
there is no such thing.
Same as like that consistency question.
Whatever your life situation is right now.
It's exactly what you want.
Let this sink in and this
is a game changer too.
If you look at your life,
including all the things
you don't like about your life.
You actually like them.
But you're not aware of
the part of you that does.
Huge.
Okay?
You might hate right now that
you haven't achieved a
certain level of success.
You're like, no, it's not true,
I wanna be more successful.
BS,
you actually don't or you would be.
Self-sabotage is you getting
exactly what you want
but you're not aware of
it. So here's an example.
If down here, there's
a belief that it's like
you suck for what you did in the past,
and you might have buried it,
you might not even think
about it consciously.
And here you are trying
to become successful
and you keep self sabotaging.
It could just be 'cause
that part of you is like,
"Nope, we can't let us be successful
"or we wouldn't get the
punishment we deserve."
If there's a belief, for example,
it's like success is
scary, success is bad,
success is a lot of responsibility,
success is not for me.
Then of course, you're
going to self-sabotage
to stay congruent to it.
The same with your whole core identity.
If you think I am a loser,
and it's ingrained in you and
you've been acting from that
your entire life you
will do whatever it takes
to stay congruent to that.
That's your ultimate comfort zone.
If I am loser,
I can't get success or
I'm no longer loser.
And consciously you might
be like, "I want it."
but you're gonna keep pushing it away.
And with self-sabotage
there's what you catch,
but most of it you're
not even aware of it.
Okay?
One other way to view it by
the way, of self-sabotage,
linking it to your question is,
here's an approach,
another bulldozer hammer
on the table approach.
Say this is you,
okay?
And this is success.
And you're trying to go there consciously.
You're like, "That's what I want."
And you know the action steps.
However, inside of you
there's a little,
excuse my horrible drawing,
demon,
right?
A little demon in here
and that demon's saying,
"No, you know what?
"Failure, let's go there."
And it's like this tug of war.
People experience this whenever you say,
like you said, "I'm
gonna do it for 30 days
"and do this and do the good habits."
and eventually, you get pulled back.
It's like this invisible
force inside of you.
People do it with new year's resolutions
to the point where it's now this joke.
No one takes it seriously.
Of course you're gonna give
up new year's resolutions,
no one sticks to it.
So we do temporary sprints.
And we all have this force
inside of us that pulls us back.
And what we try to do is,
we're like, "hey, let's discipline this."
willpower, work ethic, discipline.
That part of me that keeps
pulling me towards failure,
let's just whip it into shape.
That's work ethic.
Does it get to the cause?
No.
You know what it does?
Just makes that little
demon even more mad.
Instead,
what about identifying the part of you
that is pulling you here?
Identifying why, what's
keeping this alive?
Letting go of it, so that
there then is no more demon.
And you're just aligned
and pulled towards success.
Instead of having this tug of war,
why not just align everything.
Instead of work ethic,
cultivate a work magnet.
Screw work ethic, that just
you beating yourself up,
addicting yourself to self-hate,
a horrible experience of
the present moment, okay?
So,
back to
the shadow questions, okay?
Sending those probes down there.
Five that I would highly recommend
you ask yourself and reflect on
are the following.
One, as we discussed, why
is success not for me?
And I would challenge you to
write down what comes up, okay?
A form of resistance
is, oh, think about it
and it just keeps it very vague.
If you write it down, it makes it real.
You see it and you have to be precise
'cause you're putting it into words.
Why is success not for me?
And go past, the
autopilot response, it is.
I know (mumbles) the
question ask yourself,
is there a part of me,
that might believe success is not for me?
Number two, why am I not good enough?
Am I saying you're not good enough?
Of course not but analyze
and just see what comes up.
You gotta open yourself
up to these answers.
It's identifying what is running you,
so you can then let go of it.
Why am I not good enough?
Number three, what am I hiding?
What am I hiding?
What am I afraid people will see?
Number four, why does life
have to be hard for me?
Why does life have to be hard?
And number five, why do I hate myself?
Now, when you hear this,
these shadow questions,
especially if you're on the affirmation,
reason with your subconscious,
try to BS your subconscious,
there's a lot of resistance.
why?
'Cause it's like well, that's
focusing on the negative.
Have you heard about that?
If you focus on the negative
what's gonna happen?
You're gonna probably
attract more negative.
Anyone hear of the law of attraction?
Yeah.
But here's the thing,
and this is what blocks people,
all those things that
you're now focusing on
that were out of your awareness,
whether you're aware of
them consciously or not
they are currently active
and have been active,
and have been attracting
things in your life.
Right?
We think that law of attraction,
only applies to what we're aware of,
the thoughts we're aware of.
No, the law of attraction
applies to also the thoughts
that you're not aware of.
And this is why, if you look at a
traditional, spiritual law
of attraction gathering,
they're all broke as fuck.
(man laughs)
Right, It's like oh, you're
trying to manifest things
with your positive
thinking, how is that going?
And it's all these like honestly,
just broke people
attracting horrible things.
Why?
'Cause they never
address the subconscious,
the world they're not aware of, okay?
If you want it more simplified,
you can view it like this.
What you're aware of,
what you're not aware of
and the split.
Two worlds inside of you, and
people just focus on this.
"I'm good enough, I'm gonna
keep focusing on good things."
but down here it's like, "No, you're not."
That's still active.
Here sending the probe,
you're becoming aware of it
so you can let go of it
and free yourself from it.
The things that run you
are out of your awareness.
If you were aware of them you
could do something about it,
and it'd be done.
Okay?
Another key quote, the solutions
are out of your awareness.
How can you become aware of them?
That's the first step of the process.
I do this at Transformation Mastery Live
and in the mentoring,
is a death meditation,
which I would highly
recommend looking into.
Where you sink into the
perspective that you died
and you audit your life
from that perspective.
Now, why might a process
like that be helpful?
Well,
if you go back to this, okay?
You stuffed this down here,
you make that split inside,
you disown it in order
to survive, correct?
That's why it's down there,
and why there's layers
and layers of resistance.
When you're triggered,
it's that same survival
instinct that kicks in.
If you're able to do a death meditation,
and convince yourself
that you actually died
and from that perspective
reflect back on your life,
then guess what?
These layers of resistance
fade away a bit.
If you're keeping this out
of your awareness to survive,
and you convince yourself you're dead,
you no longer have
to keep them out of your awareness, right?
Does this make sense?
Or is this too everyone's like, "What?"
Yeah.
It's like, oh, I don't
have to lie to myself.
I don't have to keep this split alive.
And people are surprised and astonished
by the data that comes up
that they can then let go off.
Okay?
But this model, this map
is the way to go about it.
So here's a paradigm.
I'm not charismatic, now what?
And in that paradigm, advice like, again,
what's the bulldozer advice, speak louder,
develop your social skills, learn this,
articulate more and so on and so forth.
It's like bulldozing through.
But it's still the assumption
that you're not loud and that you're shy.
And it requires a lot of efforts, right?
That's another good way of viewing it.
It's like, it's just so much effort,
kinda like whether (mumbles)
or it's like too much effort.
Instead of saying, I'm
not charismatic now what?
It's hey, what if I am charismatic
but there's just things
blocking it from coming out?
Identify the blockage, release it,
and you no longer have
to make yourself be loud,
you're just loud, right?
That's the approach.
The other classic one that,
this one is a quote that
I came up with myself,
credit goes to me, I'm very proud of it.
And it blows people's minds.
People hear, fake it
till you make it, right?
But that's not true.
Fake it till you make it,
what's again, the whole approach here?
Examine the assumption.
It's assuming that you're
being a real right now.
What if you're being fake right now?
What if you've been stifled
as you've been fake?
Instead of fake it till you make it,
it's act real until you remember.
That was me, that was daddy's, okay?
And that's the thing, it's
like, I'm not charismatic,
and we assume that that's us being real.
Instead of saying,
"Wait a minute, that's
just me being stifled."
If I identify all things that stifle,
I release it, then I can
unleash that charisma.
It shouldn't require effort,
okay?
Are techniques still involved?
Say you're making a sale
where there's certain goal
of course there are some, but
that's just like 10 to 15%.
Most of the techniques
that people get sucked into
when socializing,
are reinforcing again
that wrong assumption,
it's compensating techniques.
And that's what you wanna let go of.
That'll do more harm than
good in the long run.
This is the scale of transformation,
you could say the natural
process of transformation
and it also reconciles a
lot of this different advice
for different paradigms, okay?
So here you have apathy, grief, fear,
anger, courage, desire, purpose, love.
These four here, are
the competitive states
and as you move above courage and up,
it's the collaborative states.
So what does this mean?
Okay.
Apathy, is a state of, you could say,
resistance, withdrawal,
ultimately just giving up.
Whether it's in terms of your
goals, in terms of feeling,
in terms of life itself, okay?
It's like, what's the point?
Can't make it anyway, screw it, whatever.
And we all have pockets of this, okay?
If you look at this scale we
each have a habitual state
where we reside in the most.
You're like oh, yeah, that's totally me.
Fear, that's totally me,
anger, that's totally me,
desire, that's totally me.
Grief there's more
victimhood, that's totally me.
But then we all have pockets of the rest.
For example, you might be
courage in most areas of life,
but when it comes to
relationships you're in apathy.
And what's the point.
Or health you're in apathy.
So this is the lowest level,
someone who's kind of given up.
As you move up, you get
into victimhood, okay?
Where instead of being
like, "What's the point?"
it's, "I could but,
this thing happened,
"that person happened, this situation,
"this thing, my past."
so on and so forth, all the excuses.
As you move up, you tap into
more power and more energy.
So for someone who's in apathy,
telling them that they're a victim
is actually amazing advice.
It goes against mainstream thinking.
you're like, "What do you mean?
"Tell someone they're a victim?"
Yeah, if someone who's completely given up
like, "What's the point?"
you're like, "Hey, it's not your fault,
"it's the government."
"What?"
(audience laughs)
There's a little bit more hope, right?
It's still very disempowering,
but it's a lot--
Now it's like, "Oh, so I could
if that person or that thing
"or the government didn't do it."
It's not like, regardless
I can't whatever,
it's I could but,
okay?
And you move up into grief victimhood.
Now, is this the state you wanna stay in?
Of course not.
When you're in grief, victimhood,
that's when you need what
I call the harsh talk.
The put your foot down,
stop being a little bitch,
step it up, take responsibility.
If you say take responsibility
to someone who's in apathy,
it's gonna crush em, right?
So, we're gonna break down
each level but just real fast,
three rules with this.
We all have a habitual state,
and we all have pockets.
This represents the
sequence of transformation.
People fail,
because they don't
understand the sequence.
Okay, so for example,
say you experience anger,
you might think that's
bad, but that's not true.
If you're coming from fear,
experiencing anger is good.
If you're coming from courage, it isn't.
So it's not this linear
feel good, feel good, feel good journey.
Here you have the map.
The other mistake people make
is they try to aim too high.
They try to go from apathy
to anger, grief, all the way to purpose.
And of course you're not gonna
make it, and then they fail.
And the other thing is
for each level there's different advice.
Like I said, for apathy,
hey, you're a victim.
Once you're in a victim
stop being a bitch.
But you don't say that
someone is in apathy.
There's different advice for each level
and what people do is
they use the wrong advice
for where they're at,
okay?
So here it's stop being a
bitch, take responsibility,
move into fear,
okay?
Or stop being a bitch,
be pissed at yourself.
Say fuck you to that
victim, move into anger.
Now, is this where you
want to reside long term?
No.
Say you hit anger and
now it's time to forgive.
But if you say forgive to
someone who's in victimhood,
it'll just reinforce like,
"Oh, yeah, I forgive him."
that little disempowering state.
When you forgive you shift into courage.
Here you could say it's
the competitive states.
It's the playing not to lose.
It's also you versus the world, right?
Here it's me versus the world, fuck it.
That's apathy, what's the point?
Grief is me versus the
world, poor me I'm a victim.
Here it's me versus the
world, gotta protect myself.
Are there people, right?
(mumbles) me versus the world.
Here it's me versus the
world, fuck the world.
I'm gonna get mine, I'm gonna get even,
I'm gonna do something about it.
But it's still you versus the world.
With each one there's more power.
You can also take more
action as you move up, right?
Being in anger like fuck not again
that's a lot more energy and power
to take action, than say, "Oh, poor me."
Same with fear, fear.
That's more energy more
power than grief or apathy.
As you let go of the competitive states,
you move into courage,
and that's where instead
of playing not to lose
me versus, again not to lose.
It's what is my win?
What is winning?
Most people have no idea. They
just live their lives like,
"Well, I just play not to lose."
It's like you're here till
you die, what do you wanna do?
"I don't know, whatever my
parents, society friends,
"whatever gets me away from these things.
"play not to lose."
What's playing to win?
What's your win?
So here you discover that
but it tends to be like
playing like a small wins,
like you settle for less, a
little win here and there,
it's still a little bit dabbling,
a little bit procrastinating.
Then what you can do here,
is you can actually aim,
temporarily for desire.
If you're always just kind
of dabbling around, right?
You can think of this as
like the the stick states,
like carrot and stick,
you let go of the stick,
now you can amplify the carrot.
Paint the desire, right?
What I say here in terms of motivation
if you're encouraged is,
write out your higher self-motivation
and your lower self-motivation towards,
whatever your win is.
Higher self can be change the
world, lower self could be,
to prove everyone wrong and get approval.
I'd recommend doing that with
all your goals by the way.
So key, right?
We think we're the exception,
we overestimate ourselves,
we think we're gonna be in this high,
blissful state all the time.
No.
What about when you're in a petty state?
How can you still go towards your win?
What will happen too,
with desire is sometimes
you'll get a couple bit wins.
And then the ego will kick in
and you start selling out
on your authentic win,
and deviate from money,
approval, so on and so forth.
Then it's time to let go of that
and as you do, you align with purpose.
Instead of acting from
a place of desperation,
you act from a place of inspiration.
And then of course, there
is love where it's the state
of acceptance and embracing all.
But this is really the process, okay?
This is the map that I use.
This is the map that's is
ultimately the culmination
of like all my years in
transformational work, okay?
And ideally you wanna reach a point,
and this is what I teach people
in the mentoring that I do.
I take them through each one.
So you reach a point
where it's like I view
it like this tool belt
that you have, right?
We think love, this is
another little nuanced point.
We think that the ultimate goal of love
so on and so forth is
like enlightenment, right?
This state where you'll
never feel any kind of anger
or fear, so on and so
forth but that's not true.
That's if you believe in that,
you've been sold on a dream.
That is fortunately,
he believed that less
and less people buy into,
it was kind of imposed on
people from the old school.
You could say 70s, 80s self-help movement
or spiritual movements, right?
What's the spiritual movement of the 80s?
You come up in like this robe
and you're like I'm enlightened.
I know the secrets of the universe.
I've transcended all my feelings, right?
I transcended fear, transcended it all.
I'm in a non-dual state.
You wanna be like me, pay me money.
That's the approach.
And then we do it, like, "
Oh, I wanna be like that"
and as soon as we experience some fear,
we're like, "I'm experiencing fear,
"I haven't transcended it."
Thank God that's gone.
What's the goal here?
Instead of hey, hating
your emotions even more
to the point where you
want to transcend them
and ultimately numb yourself from feeling?
What about changing the
relationship you have with feeling
and loving every emotion.
A state of love,
you'll still experienced fear,
anger, so on and so forth
but it's appropriate to the situation,
you've released the
triggered-ness around it,
and you actually enjoy it, right?
If you didn't experience fear, you'd die.
You should experience fear.
Same with anger, it's valuable
but we do is, we've been conditioned
at such a toxic relationship
with our emotions, right?
When we experience fear, we start hating
that we experience fear
and we self-attack over it.
And then we feel worse
'cause of the self-attack
and then we self-attack
over self-attacking.
We feel bad about feeling bad,
about feeling bad about feeling bad.
What if someone told you
from the moment you're born,
"Hey, experiencing fear is awesome."
Or "experiencing grief is awesome."
Your experience with
the thing would change.
Imagine, from a very young age,
everyone has been telling
you, "Hey, fear is the shit."
That's when you're the most attractive.
It's the best and you see
all these YouTube videos
and courses on how to
experience more fear.
And it's like, "Hey, here's is a--"
What would happen?
You'd experience fear,
you'd be like, yes, right?
That's the state of love,
is you change your
relationship with it all.
But ultimately, it's like
you have a tool belt,
things will happen,
things will throw you in different pockets
and you know exactly what tools to use
what level to aim for, don't aim too high,
just aim for the next one up.
And how to move out of it fast.
You're equipped for life, okay?
This is the map and ultimately,
apart from the tools for each
level of the way you move up
is through,
letting
go,
okay?
And any stinging point,
anything you're dealing with
is linked to one of these levels.
I'm sure you've heard
of the term RAS, right?
RAS, Reticular Activating
System, if not, Google that.
If you're not aware of this
your life will be very limited
and you'll be stuck a lot.
RAS, it's basically your
selective focus, right?
Right now we're all in
this same physical reality,
but our experience and perception
of it is very different,
okay?
You can't take it all in at once.
If you all close your eyes right now
as an example, close your eyes.
And with your eyes closed, I ask you,
what is red in this room?
Red, I want 10 things
that are red in this room.
Open your eyes, what's happening now?
Red has value so you're
zoning in on it, okay?
Now here is what happens.
These states that we
can find ourselves in,
will hijack our RAS, your selective focus.
Say you're in a state of fear,
and you're sitting in this
room in a state of fear.
You're gonna experience this room
very differently than other people,
you're gonna be filtering it
through, where are the threats?
Are people judging me?
Are people staring at me?
What's going on? Is
Julien gonna call me out?
Is he gonna call me up
front? What's the exercise?
What's gonna happen?
What about this?
Maybe I shouldn't come here,
oh, my God, like fear, right?
And you actually look
for proof to reinforce it
and that will reinforce it
and it's this endless feedback loop.
If you're in a state of
anger it's the same thing.
Could be like I'm here.
The mic is not even working,
what kind of event is this?
It's a little cold which
by the way if any staff,
we can bring it a little warmer in here,
it's very cold, right?
Ah, this is pissing me off, it's so cold
and that's the reality you're in, okay?
So these states hijack your focus,
you can view it as like
glasses, sunglasses
and you filter reality through it
and it reinforces the lens.
You can think of the
lens just getting thicker
and thicker and thicker and
thicker until it's just you.
Now,
that is how (mumbles)
and that's also we call blind spots.
You will block off things
that actually help you.
Here is some examples of blind spots.
I had a client this is
in Amsterdam back in 2010.
We went out to work on his social skills
and he was doing amazingly well, right?
Everyone he talked to,
smiling, loving him.
End of the night I'm like,
hey, let's talk about it,
break it down, there
was a great night, man.
and he's like, "What
do you mean it sucked?"
I'm like, "Well, what happened?"
He's like, "Everyone hated me."
I'm like, "No, they didn't
they all loved you."
He's like, "No, not a
single person liked me."
I'm like, "Did you not see them smiling?"
"They were like no, they all hated me."
That was his reality.
Next day, same thing happened.
Great night, everyone loving this guy
and he would leave sometimes,
like, "why did you leave?"
"They hated me."
Like, "No, they didn't."
Third night I'm like not this time,
and I had friend of mine go
in and start taking pictures
of the people he's talking to,
smiling, loving him.
End of the night he's like,
"They hated me again."
I'm like, "Look at this."
And he couldn't believe it.
He was like, "What?"
Blind spots,
okay?
Crazy other one.
So that's one example.
Here's another one, we
talked about self-sabotage.
How oftentimes you can't
even catch the self-sabotage.
Say you're someone who
has very low self-esteem,
and someone goes up to you,
just a very simple example,
and compliments you on something.
Like "Hey, nice shoes."
Someone with low self-esteem,
are they gonna see
that as a compliment?
Or are they gonna have a blind spot to it
and perhaps filter it
as a sarcastic remark?
(man laughs)
Right?
"Nice shoes."
"No, fuck that person mocking my shoes."
(audience laughs)
Crazy, now as you move up,
say you're mid-level,
someone might say nice shoes,
and you'll still see it as a compliment,
but then you won't be able to let it land
and you'll be like, "Oh,
these shoes they're nothing."
And then as you move up,
nice shoes, thank you.
That's just a compliment, right?
So that's why I'm saying,
Self-sabotage that you catch,
is like you hear the compliment,
but you can't let it land
so you have to downplay
it. "Oh, they're nothing."
What about all this
self-sabotage you don't even see?
Blind spot too,
just like someone who's
seen that as an insult,
when it was a compliment.
Opportunities, you just filter out, okay?
The same with
things we have invested,
a lot of say energy in.
If there's a certain approach, right?
Or a certain belief or a certain method,
you've invested a lot in,
you're not going to want to go back on it,
so you're gonna filter out
things that challenge it.
People do this when
they filter information
to say help them, they
look for information
that reinforces what they know,
and adds something more advanced on it
to reinforce it and make them feel good
as opposed to looking for
challenging information,
okay?
So blind spots are key.
We have it towards ourselves,
towards our beliefs
and until you get like external feedback
to point it out it's very
tough to catch on your own.
This is why it's so crucial
to get coaches, okay?
To surround yourself with people
who will call you out on your shit.
To surround yourself with a
council of opposing views,
not a yes man or yes person chamber, okay?
This is another big
mistake people hear like,
"Don't be around negative toxic people."
and then they surround
themselves with people
who disagree with whatever they say.
Thinking that disagreement
is toxic and bad.
No.
Surround yourself with all types of people
and go where it's triggering,
go where it's challenging.
A coach without a coach is like a doctor
who won't go to the doctor.
It's like everyone does it.
No one's above the process,
you just gotta surrender to it, right?
Most people (mumbles) "I will
figure it out on my own."
That's the biggest mistake too.
Don't try to figure it
out on your own, I didn't.
I admitted to myself by the way
two things I'm so grateful for.
When I first started
out I admitted to myself
how lame, stupid and ignorant I was.
For real,
I didn't think I was above it
and,
I was able to
seek help,
while simultaneously
taking responsibility.
Those were the two things
that really, really helped me.
So what does that mean?
It's like, acknowledge your too stupid.
People think they can figure it out.
And again, if this you, reflect on this,
if you could, you would have.
If you could do it on your own,
you would have done it by
now, you wouldn't be here.
So put your pride aside,
put your ego aside
and be like you know what, I'm too dumb,
I'm too weak, I don't have
the energy, the willpower,
the dis--
The work ethic, or the work magnet
to do it on my own, I need help.
And we think that asking for help
is a massive sign of weakness, it isn't.
The sign of weakness is same
as like, "I don't need help."
and then they say stuck.
I'd much rather surrender
and be like help me,
and just get there, right?
I actually make people sign this
in my mentoring there's
like a commitment letter
you have to sign
and one is asking for help,
is not a fucking sign of weakness.
And it's crazy how people will
go back later on in the week
and be like, "Hey, thank
God, you made me sign that,
"'cause I had resistance
asking this question."
Resistance asking that.
We're just conditioned this way.
It's like, "Oh, it's weakness."
like no, ask for help.
That's how you get good.
Whatever it is, you're after,
someone has done it before you,
pay that person and have
them help you get there.
Why waste time?
You could die any day, right?
So,
ask for help, pay for help,
surround yourself with people
who always give you feedback,
don't do it alone.
And then the other thing is, like I said,
ask for help while simultaneously
taking responsibility,
meaning that I would ask one for help,
but then I wouldn't wait
for them to do it for me.
And I wouldn't place the responsibility
of my success in their hands.
Now this is
tough for people
'cause they're like, "Well,
if I ask them for help,
"and I pay them for help,
"do the fucking work."
(audience laughs)
But that's how it works.
People who do that, they say stuck.
It's another form of you
could say victim mentality.
It's what I was telling you.
It's like, no, you got to start
also thinking for yourself.
It's a balance, right?
I would pay people for
help, ask them for help
and then everything on my shoulders,
it's in my control, my
responsibility, I'm gonna do it,
I'm not gonna wait or put it on them.
If you can balance that, you fucking slay.
Okay?
And then it's also not
waiting for a magical moment.
I've talked about this in a lot of videos
where people think that
they're not successful
'cause they haven't
hit that tipping point.
There is no tipping crazy point
where suddenly success
happens, it's all gradual.
You're either moving up
or you're moving down.
Don't wait for that
magical moment, jump in now
and just take those right actions.
It's what I said, it's
a very simple process,
yet difficult to execute on.
You look at so many
people who have made it,
they always tell you the same thing.
Hey, pay for advice, jump
in, take responsibility,
so on and so forth.
And we're like, I can do it differently.
No, just surrender and do
the fucking thing, right?
All the energy we spend
trying to fight the process
or tweak it to us 'cause we
think it's different for us.
That's what keeps you stuck.
If you were just like, I
am like every one else,
there's nothing different or
unique or special about me,
I will surrender and do what they tell me
to say yet get ahead.
I'm sure you've heard of
a seminar high, right?
It's like, "I feel great."
And then "It didn't last."
it's not meant to last.
The thing is people use it the wrong way.
They try to make this seminar high last,
as opposed to using it for what it's for.
A seminar high is a temporary
parting of the clouds.
Where it's like you're stuck
in your way of doing things,
any type of thinking in your current way
of doing things will reinforce it.
A seminar high is, boom!
You've taken perspective,
you're like, "Oh wow."
you're in a higher state.
And from that higher state you use it
to make key decisions, to
place boundaries in your life
so that when you fall back
in the derp state, boom!
You go in the right direction.
Think of it like this,
your little bit of genius from me to you.
Say you're this spinning
ball of derp, okay?
And spinning ball of derp
is just going right down,
into fucking hell, into failure,.
You get a seminar high,
so you snap out and you're up here, okay?
Two eyes and you're like,
"Holy shit, I'm going right down there."
Now people try to maintain
it, I wanna stay up here,
that's not gonna happen
and you're gonna go right
back into the ball of derp.
But here's what you can
do, from this perspective,
you can place boundaries.
So you see the trajectory.
Say,
you put a fucking wall here.
Now when you go back, you go here.
Or, you put a wall here
so when you fall back, you
go right up to success.
That's what we use a this for.
It's like, "Oh shit,
that's what I'm doing."
I know I'm gonna fall back.
What can I do, so that when I fall back,
I don't keep going in that direction?
Right?
How can I put myself in a situation
so that even when I fall
back, I'm moving up?
