Being a member
of the royal family
has always been one of
the sweetest gigs you can have.
You get an unlimited budget
for hats,
there's always free crumpets
in the breakroom
and, let's be honest,
most of your job is just waving.
But now two royal family members
are turning in
their two-week notice.
There was a rather stunning
announcement today
from the across the pond.
Prince Harry
and wife Meghan Markle
say they're stepping away
as senior members
of the royal family.
They announced it on Instagram,
and, boy, social media
is blowing up over it.
The couple
made that announcement
saying they will split
their time
between the U.K.
and North America,
and they will work to become
financially independent.
Whoa! Whoa!
This is huge.
Harry and Meghan
are leaving the palace
to become
financially independent.
And, you see, you see,
this is what happens
when you bring
the first black woman
into the royal family.
Yeah. Yeah.
She looked at Harry,
and she was like,
"Nigga, you need to get a job.
"You need a job.
"You a grown-ass man.
You can't still be living
in your mama's house, Harry."
(laughter)
What's funny is that no matter
what job Prince Harry gets,
you realize he's still gonna be
Prince Harry, right?
Can you imagine being his boss
when he screws up?
Like, what do you call him in
and say?
"Prince Harry, get in here,
Your Majesty!
"You blew the Henderson account,
my lord.
Clean out your desk,
and may God save the queen!"
Now, the big question is
if Harry and Meghan
come to America,
where are they gonna live?
Everyone wants to know.
I think they'll move to L.A.
because Meghan's an actor.
Right? And then
she's gonna want to work again.
And then Harry
can just join the cast
of Real Housewives
of Beverly Hills. Yeah.
Just be, like, fighting on TV.
"I know you what said about me,
Denise. Say it to my face."
All right, moving on
to the opposite of royalty.
Harvey Weinstein,
disgraced Hollywood producer
and man who's somehow uglier
on the inside.
His sexual assault trial
has just begun here in New York,
and Harvey is already
on the judge's bad side.
Jury selection
in Harvey Weinstein's
sexual assault trial
resumes today
after some drama in court.
The judge threatened to revoke
the Hollywood producer's bail
Tuesday
because he kept using
his phone in court.
The judge said,
"Is this really the way
you want to end up in jail?
By texting?"
Weinstein's team
calls it a misunderstanding.
Yeah, Harvey Weinstein
got into trouble yesterday
because he kept pulling
his phone out in court. Yeah.
Because apparently, he can't
keep anything in his pants.
(laughter)
I actually feel bad
for the judge in the situation,
because you have
to uphold the law
but then also be
a middle school teacher.
You know, it's just like,
"Are you texting?
"Give me your phone.
You spit out your gum.
"And damn it, I told you
to stop jerking off, Harvey.
-Come on!"
-(laughter and applause)
I will tell you,
this is how you know
phones are addictive, though.
This guy's on trial
for his life,
and he's sitting
in that courtroom like,
"I could go to prison forever.
"Yeah. Oh.
"I wonder what Disney character
I am. Let's see.
Oh, Ursula.
I should have known."
And finally, what would you do
if you were walking
down the street
and heard someone screaming
for help?
Well, don't rush
to call the cops,
because it may not be
what you think.
NEWSWOMAN: The concerned
neighbor in Florida called 911
after hearing someone
screaming, "Let me out."
Turns out, the cries
were from a pet parrot.
(screaming)
The parrot's owner
says sheriff's deputies
pulled up to his house
after getting the call.
He explained that the culprit
was his 40-year-old parrot
named Rambo.
When he showed them the parrot,
he says
they burst out laughing.
The owner says that he taught
Rambo to say, "Let me out"
-when he was a kid.
-(squawks)
Okay.
Okay, hold on.
So, this dude says
he taught his parrot to scream,
"Let me out,"
and the cops just accepted that?
You guys don't want to look
in the house just in case?
'Cause that bird
might have picked it up
from someone else,
if you know what I mean.
Yeah, the parrot's like...
(squawks) "Let me out."
Like... (chuckles)
"I taught him how to say that."
"I'm in the basement."
"Oh, you see, it's not what..."
"I was kidnapped
by a man with a parrot."
(squawks)
(laughter)
Although,
wouldn't it be a funny twist
if the cops arrested that guy,
but it turns out that the parrot
was just framing him
so that it could have the house
to itself?
Yeah. Now the owner's in prison,
and the bird is throwing
all-night parties.
Just hanging out with women.
You know, just like...
(squawks)
"Hello, ladies."
It's like, "Wow, I've never met
a parrot that owns a house."
(squawks) "That's right.
I'm like Harry.
I've got my own crib."
(squawks)
