-It sure is
spooky out here tonight.
When I'm spooked,
what makes me feel better
is telling scary stories.
-I got a really scary story.
Do you know the one about
the man with the hooked hands?
-No, no,
not those kinds of stories.
Real scary stories.
-How real are we talking?
Like, real-real or
real-real-real?
-Real-real-real.
I'll go first.
This one will send shivers down
the curvature of your spine.
Years back, there was an
old barn up on the hill,
and there was a wedding
in that barn.
And I was invited as a plus-one.
I didn't know
a single soul there.
[ Both gasp ]
That's not even the worst part.
The worst part was...
they weren't serving alcohol!
[ Screaming ]
I had to talk to people, yeah.
Who does that?
-I peed a little in my pants.
-Okay, all right.
Yeah, all right.
Yeah. Sorry.
-But I have an even scarier one.
-What?
-This one will chill you
to the bone.
It was my birthday.
A guy at work said,
"Hey, happy birthday."
-And then?
-I said, "Thanks. You too."
[ Screaming ]
-That's a soc...
That's a social faux pas.
-It's true.
A so-faux pas.
-Yeah.
-Okay, you think
those are scary?
Okay.
I was once on a date with a guy.
I know. Weird, right?
He seemed normal, you know?
But out of nowhere,
he said something
that will haunt me
until the day of die.
-No.
-Yeah, I can sometimes
hear it at night.
-What'd he say?
-He said...
"I hope you like vape tricks."
-Oh, my gosh.
-I have...
-Oh, my gosh.
-...chills.
-Oh, my gosh.
-And then he did vape tricks.
-No, no! Oh, my God.
With the rings and --
Yeah, and -- I've seen them.
Oh, no. Oh, gosh!
-Terrifying.
-That is so scary.
-So bad.
-I can do you one worse.
Last year, I had gingivitis.
[ Screaming ]
-That's not the scary part.
-Ah!
-Anyway, I went for
a checkup recently,
and the dentist said,
"Looking good.
I can tell
you've been flossing."
And I looked right at her
and I said --
-No, don't say it!
I can't...
-I said, "You too."
I did it again.
I did it again.
-Similar --
-Similar scary.
-Similar scary stories.
-It was the double scare.
-Wow.
This one I have for you
is so scary,
the only person I ever
told it to was my therapist.
After that, she quit the biz
and became a judge on
"Dancing with the Stars."
Anyway, one day...
I was walking down the street.
And, so,
I saw someone waving at me.
So I waved back.
Then I realized, he was actually
waving to someone behind me,
so I pretended to be
directing traffic.
I stayed and directed traffic
for three hours.
And I've gone back there to
direct traffic every day
since just to
keep up the charade!
-No!
-I did.
-No!
That's nothing.
My skin's a-tinglin' just
thinking about this spooky tale.
Settle in.
-I'm settled.
-The other day, I coughed,
but it sounded like a sneeze.
-Whoa!
-So someone turned to me and
said, "Bless you."
Then I turned to them
and I said --
-Let me guess.
You said, "You too."
-No.
I said, "Oil me up, daddy.
It's dinnertime,
and I'm a little soup boy.
Chompa, chompa."
[ Screaming ]
-Hey, is there something
we can do for you?
-You guys want to see
a bunch of sunset pictures
I took on my phone?
[ Screaming ]
