WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE
SHOW"."
MY NEXT GUEST IS A REGULAR AT
THE COMEDY CELLAR HERE IN NEW
YORK.
PLEASE WELCOME GARY GULMAN!
( APPLAUSE )
>> THANK YOU SO MUCH.
YOU SOUND GREAT.
IT'S GOOD TO BE HERE.
I'M VLG A GOOD KAY.
YESTERDAY, OF TOUGH.
I SLEPT TOO LATE.
I SLEPT-- ALL I KNOW IS THAT I
WOKE UP AND I WAS IMMEDIATELY
PRAYING, "PLEASE BE A.M.
PLEASE BE A.M
( LAUGHTER )
I TURNED OVER MY PHONE.
IT WAS 1:52 P.M. 1:52 P.M. SPP
YOU'RE THINKING YOU MUST HAVE
GONE TO BED REALLY LATE.
11:00.
I SLEPT THROUGH AN ENTIRE "M."
( LAUGHTER )
BY THE WAY, I WOKE UP AT 1:52
P.M. I DIDN'T GET UP AT 1:52
P.M. WHEN DID WAKING UP AND
GETTING UP BECOME TWO SEPARATE
NEGOTIATIONS?
( LAUGHTER )
SUCCESSFUL PEOPLE HAVE NO IDEA
WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.
THEY WAKE UP, THEY GET UP, THEY
START DOMINATING THE WORLD.
EVERYBODY ELSE, THERE'S PROMISES
AND COMPROMISES AND BARGAINS.
( LAUGHTER )
THE OTHER-- THE OTHER DAY I SAID
TO MYSELF-- I COULDN'T BELIEVE
IT I SAID, "GAR--" I'M VERY
GENTLE WITH MYSELF.
I SAID, "GAR, JUST BRUSH YOUR
TOP TEETH."
( LAUGHTER )
I HAD TO DO LAUNDRY.
THAT KEPT ME IN BED.
I DIDN'T WANT TO DO THE LAUNDRY.
AND I JUST-- UCK.
YOU HAVE TO SEPARATE IT AND PUT
IT IN THE WASH.
TAKE IT OUT OF THE WASH.
PUT IT IN THE DRYER, AND WAIT
FOR AN ANGRY NEIGHBOR TO TAKE IT
OUT FOR YOU.
THEN YOU'VE GOT TO PUT IT INTO
THE LAUNDRY BAG AND DUMP IT ON
THE BED AND SLEEP
I SET GOALS AND I ACHIEVE THEM.
THE THING THAT GETS ME THROUGH,
THOUGH, IS DONUTS AND ICE CREAM.
I LOVE ICE CREAM, BUT I HAVE
THIS THING WHERE I HAVE TO EYE
DON'T WANT TO EAT THE ENTIRE
PINT, SO I SAY JUST EAT HALF THE
PINT.
BUT THEN WHEN I GET HALFWAY
THROUGH, I HAVE THIS COMPULSION
WHERE I NEED TO LEAVE A FLAT
SURFACE.
( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
WHO-- WHO AM I LEAVING THE FLAT
SURFACE-- FOR THE DAY CREW?
( LAUGHTER )
THEY'LL COME IN AND BE OUTRAGED
BY ALL THE CRAGS AND CRANNIES IN
THIS?
( LAUGHTER )
BUT I FIND MYSELF EATING IT
FLAT.
Y EAT MORE, AND THEN I'LL COME
ACROSS A CHOCOLATE CHUNK, AND
I'LL HAVE TO EXCAVATE THAT.
( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
AND THEN THERE'S A POTHOLE, I
GOTTA SMOOTH THAT OVER.
I'M DOING ALL THIS ICE CREAM
MASONRY WORK, AND THEN IT STARTS
TO MELT AROUND THE EDGES.
AND THAT'S DELICIOUS, SO I HAVE
TO EAT THAT.
BEFORE I KNOW IT, I'VE HIT
BOTTOM.
LITERALLY AND FIGURATIVELY I'VE
HIT BOTTOM.
AND I FINISH THE ICE CREAM, AND
I PUT THE FORK DOWN.
( LAUGHTER )
I-- MORE OFTEN THAN NOT, I USE A
FORK TO EAT ICE CREAM.
AND IF YOU EAT ICE CREAM WITH A
FORK, I KNOW YOU SO WELL.
( LAUGHTER )
I KNOW YOU SO WELL.
BECAUSE MY POLICY IS I'M NOT
WASHING A SPOON UNTIL I'M ALL
OUT OF FORKS.
( LAUGHTER )
AND PEOPLE SAY, "WHY DON'T YOU
JUST WASH A SPOON?"
WHY DON'T I SHOWER?
( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
FORK PRINTS IN ICE CREAM, OH!
IF I SEE A FORK PRINT, I KNOW
YOUR WORLD!
FORK PRINTS IN ICE CREAM ARE
EVIDENCE OF A LIFE IN CHAOS.
CHAOS.
IF I SEE FORK PRINTS IN YOUR ICE
CREAM, I DON'T NEED TO SEE YOUR
KITCHEN.
I KNOW THE DISHES ARE PILED SO
HIGH, YOU CAN'T REFILL THE
BRITA.
NOT THAT I SHOULD REFILL THE
BRITA.
I HAVEN'T CHANGED THE FILTER IN
FOUR YEARS.
( LAUGHTER )
I DON'T NEED TO GO IN YOUR
BEDROOM.
I KNOW THERE'S NO TOP SHEET ON
YOUR BED.
THE TOP SHEET IS TAKD UP OVER
THE WINDOW AS A CURTAIN.
( LAUGHTER )
I DON'T NEED TO GO INTO YOUR
BATHROOM.
I KNOW THAT THE NEW ROLL OF
TOILET PAPER IS RESTING ON THE
EMPTY SPOOL.
( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
IT'S THE ONLY HOUSEHOLD CHORE I
CAN DO WHILE SITTING ON THE
TOILET.
AND I'M LIKE, PHEW!
NOT TODAY.
NOT TODAY.
I DON'T HAVE THE STRENGTH TO
SQUEEZE THAT SPINDLE AND LOCK IT
IN.
THANK YOU SO MUCH, EVERYBODY.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
HIS NETFLIX SPECIAL IS "IT'S
ABOUT TIME." GARY
GULMAN, EVERYBODY!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
