'Oh, I beg your pardon.'
Welcome back to my Dark Corner of this Sick World.
'This isn't the sort of project I thought we'd have crammed down our throats'
We're looking at the Wild Wild Planet, the film health and safety forgot
Commander Mike Halstead has two problems,
things with his sort of girlfriend Connie are on the rocks.
'Cheers.'
my guess is trouble in the bedroom
'One quick upward thrust, then release'
Everybody wants Connie
'She's 100% woman'
and is keen to keep reminding us
'I'm a woman'
'I like to be treated as a woman.'
'I'm a woman and a woman is obviously different from a man'
'I'm going to accept that holiday as sure as I'm a woman'
This holiday is something she's invited on by smooth talking Mr Nermy
'I was admiring your physique'
But when she arrives, it turns out the hotel is not up to code.
Mike meanwhile has a bigger problem to deal with - an epidemic of bizarre kidnappings,
and I do mean epidemic.
'If it continues, by the end of this week there will be 6000 disappearnaces a day in this city alone'
that seems a lot.
Who's responsible?
'I think I've uncovered something'
'Oh, what?'
'Girls'
A group of women accompanied by strange bald men are kidnapping people
Okay firstly, that was weird
‘You will admit that these are most peculiar goings on'
Secondly, they don't exactly blend in.
and given the number of women and strange bald men required to kidnap 6000 people a day,
I feel like someone ought to have made the connection earlier
'That is not humorous commander'
Mike and his team take down one of the bald men.
'No no no it's awful! It's inhuman!'
Well that was too much for her.
They also capture some of the women
'Watch out for the gadgets on their chests'
They're called breasts.
'What are you taking about?'
And it's bad news, Nermy is involved and Connie is missing
'I'm onto you Nermy'
again, you really should have been onto him sooner
'Quite a few people lately have... simply disappeared'
Now we learn the shocking truth about the kidnap victims...
I've sort of raced through the first half because I really couldn't follow what the hell was going on
'I think I could have predicted that'
But in the second, when Mike and friends race to rescue Connie, it becomes James Bond
'Welcome on-board commander'
albeit with a much less engaging hero.
'I'm a person'
Just barely.
We have karate kicking fem-bots
a bad guy who insists on showing the hero round rather than killing him.
'He favored me with a tour of his station, I would like to return the courtesy'
Fast cars
Okay not that fast.
Ineffectual guards
'When I give the word, start swinging at these creeps'
There's no way that plan should work
'Now!'
It actually gets worse
'I'm here'
Oh! amongst the mirrors you've completely vanished!
'Kinda makes me sick to my stomach'
Above all we have a sort of late-era Roger Moore supervillain
with a plan for world domination that defies comprehension
'Miniature people. 20 years we worked to achieve this'
No kidding; 20years?
Time well spent
'These mirrors reflect your image to infinity...
the same way I will achieve the perfect synthesis of the human race etc..which could be duplicated millions of times.'
Okay. I'm not quite making the connection between that and the miniaturisation but I'm sure it'll all come together.
'My flesh will absorb her and we will be fused into one person.'
Again, this really seems like a separate thing.
Three pretty useless experiments, not coming together in an harmonious whole.
'You helium headed idiot you!'
Why did you do this? '
'For the good of humanity'
Absolutely, who hasn't occasionally thought; gee I wish I was a tiny hermaphrodite with infinite reflections.
'Is this the doing of a mad scientist?'
Needless to say, Mike foils this 'plan' and the base is destroyed while he saves...
'We made it!'
Well, there's Connie, and his boss.
'As good an end as any'
It would be if not for the 6000 kidnap victims a day he didn't rescue who now lie in a watery grave.
That's not very James Bond .
'You're unfair, unkind, Uncouth and I just hat the sight of you.'
Okay, that was pretty James Bond.
Thanks for watching people who don't subscribe will be miniaturised by a strange bald man
Can you think of any cinematic plans less coherent than this one?
How would you take over the world let us know your plans for global domination in the comments below?
You've seen nothing you heard nothing, and you know nothing, you understand
