 
### the last to leave

by

Earnest Burnst

SMASHWORDS EDITION

* * * * *

PUBLISHED BY:

Digital Vault Limited on Smashwords

The Last to Leave

Copyright © 2013 by Digital Vault Limited

Smashwords Edition License Notes

Thank you for downloading this free ebook. You are welcome to share it with your friends. This book may be copied and distributed for non-commercial purposes, provided the book remains in its complete original form and no fee is charged for it. Thank you for your support.

* * * * *

FOR EVE

FOR DENIS

ESPICALLY FOR DENE

* * * * *

### the last to leave

* * * * *

### chapter 1

It was a typically Auckland winters day - beautifully clear, cold and crisp. The sun was shining, the birds were singing and the sky was a perfect blue. It was the kind of day you needed when you were about to go where I was headed. I know it sounds like a cliché. It is, that's why we have them.

Days like this made me want to get out of bed and do something, anything at all, it didn't matter what, because whatever it was, however unimportant or menial, on days like today I could be enthusiastic about almost anything. I crossed the street with those thoughts in mind, wearing by favorite multi-coloured shorts, an old tee-shirt and a grin. Thinking back I guess I looked like a bit of a scruff. My appearance and attitude had always tended to reflect my surroundings. I guess it made it easier for me in some ways. From the outside I looked and talked like people expected me to. People generally took me at face value unless I wanted otherwise, which was fine with me. I'd found it easier to blend into a situation that way, especially when you're not overly interested in the scene around you. It sounds strange, but it can be quite a useful skill. It becomes your choice on whether or not to be noticed. You'd be surprised how intrigued people become when you do something simple that contradicts the image you've portrayed. I guess you could call it dishonest, but it sure lets you know who your friends are.

I turned a corner and caught sight of my destination. It was a modern looking office complex sitting on a busy main road. The complex was nothing special to look at. It sat between a gas station and some smaller office buildings. It was pretty typical I guess. I checked my watch, nine thirty. I wasn't on a schedule but figured I should step up my pace. I didn't want to spend all day here. I got closer and the complex seemed to undergo a change. It began to look like a shady bar that you'd pass at 3 in the morning. People were hanging about outside the door. Just leaning on the walls, sitting on the ground, smoking and the like. They all looked the same to me. Rough. A couple of guys wearing leathers and dark shades were sitting at the edge of the property on a short perimeter fence. One of them noticed me walking their way and turned to check me out. It wasn't anything to worry about, he was just interested in whether he knew me or not. I got a bit closer and then nodded a greeting. He nodded back, and I walked on past. That was the custom. It's all to do with respect. A little respect goes a long way, especially when you don't have much in the world. I acknowledged him and he acknowledged me, we're both happy. Personally it didn't worry me either way but I could see why it mattered to some people. I don't think it's too much to ask, for people to at least acknowledge each other. It's a simple way to say 'Yeah, you're a person, just like me' regardless of either persons station in life. I'd seen plenty of fights start out because some guy thought some other guy was snubbing him.

I headed towards the front door but now wasn't feeling so bright and cheery. It's funny how that can happen. People create atmosphere, and atmosphere is everything. My mood had swung. Maybe because I knew that I could come down here any day of the week and I'd see the same thing. Maybe not the same faces, but the same thing. The perfect day I had just been so excited over now seemed to be clouding over.

I hated going to the social welfare office. I had been to this particular branch perhaps 4 times and each time it was a depressing exercise. At this place you got to see that your life generally wasn't so bad compared to a lot of other people, and that scared me.

I paused at the front door and mentally prepared myself. 'In, sign on, interview, then out - easy'. Then with one focused effort swung open the door that led to the reception desk. I was mildly surprised at the lack of a queue to this door. My surprise was short lived as I entered what was now a reception 'waiting area'. This was the 4th time I'd been to this branch and the 4th time they'd redecorated. Each redecoration was brighter than the last, but made no difference to the feel of the place. I hesitated a moment and I re-adjusted to the new surroundings. I had already known where the desk should have been and now stood awkwardly glancing around trying to determine what I should do. I was worried about looking cool. It didn't matter though. In this place people generally have bigger problems than trying to look cool. Nobody noticed or if they did, they didn't care. I snapped out of my daze and moved to what looked like one of 3 lines snaking towards a new reception desk. The desk had been arranged such that the queues could be longer within the building. 'Oh well', I mused, at least it probably gives the regulars something to talk about. Thinking back that was probably unfair.

I stood in line waiting. It reminded me of the one redeeming feature of the social welfare office. It wasn't a particularly pleasant one, but one well worth taking note of. I generally tried not to listen to what was being said around me. After all, you could listen to one group of people and know exactly what was being discussed by everyone else. Sure the names and places changed, but the underlying theme remained constant. It was depressing. 'Depressing', I wonder how to truly define it. After all, it was just everyday life to these guys. That thought depressed me. There it was, my redeeming feature. Just everyday conversations of life to these people, but not to me. To me it was all the motivation I needed not to become one of them. It would be easy after all, to stop trying, to give up, the state won't let you starve after all. Have no prospects and no ambition and be rewarded with a weekly paycheck and somewhere to live. I had considered it. Nothing to do all day but watch TV and go to the beach. Still, how would I get to the beach? Sure as hell wouldn't be any beach worth going to. Nope, it wasn't for me. I wanted more out of life and no amount of benefits could give it to me. All I could do was work hard and hope for the best. No one to blame but myself for success or failure. The opportunity was there and I was damn sure going to take it. After all, at the end of the day, if I had given my best and still came out with nothing, at least I'd be able to say with some authority that I'd been screwed by the system - I guess I'd have to wait and see.

'Can I help you or not?'. I blinked and was back.

'Sorry, a million miles away coolin at the beach' I replied with a crooked grin. I took the resultant silence as a prompt for me to continue.

'I'd like to apply for an emergency benefit please' I slid the bundle of forms across the desk as I spoke.

'Fine, take a seat and someone will call you out. Next please'

'Thanks'. I picked up my bag and moved to the second waiting area.

The second waiting area was more of a lounge. It was actually quite nice. Two televisions were hoisted to a support beam and were showing the morning soaps. Comfortable looking chairs were arranged in small groups around the room. They sat in a pattern that showed no evidence of logical planning but seemed to work anyway. In the far corner was a small children's play area that looked to be stocked with a generous amount of toddler toys. I didn't know if this was the kind of place that you wanted to promote as a family place but then figured at least it meant you could bring your kids if you had no other choice.

I carefully considered the seating options and decided on a prime spot near where names were being called for interviews. I had come prepared. I knew from past experience that if you managed to only spend half a day at the social welfare office you were doing well. Bearing this in mind I had bought along one of my favorite books to read. It was the same book I had had with me the other 3 times at this place. Each time I would start reading from the beginning to see how far I could get through. My own personal timing device I guess. I weaved my way through the seating mine field, sat, and began to read.

'Gavin? Is that you?'

Hmm. I had often wondered why people asked that question. After all, if it wasn't me, then I wouldn't know who was being referred to and as such wasn't qualified to answer. If on the other hand it was me, I would know and would find the question pointless. I didn't know if that made sense or not. I just thought about weird things sometimes.

'Oh well', I thought to myself, who am I to define protocol, with that I lifted my head and peered cautiously over the top of my book.

'Chris'. My reaction was flat and cold. It wasn't out of any emotional response. I hadn't expected to see him here, and apart from that, I hadn't seen him at all for a good 8 months.

'What are you doing here?', I asked, which was almost as stupid a question as 'Is that You?'.

'I've come down for an Emergency Benefit, I broke my arm, so you know'.

I looked at his arm. I hadn't even noticed he was wearing a cast. Still if I had to describe our relationship with one word I don't think it would have been 'friends'. Chris was more of an associate. We were friendly enough, I had only really tried to seriously hurt him once and that was during a wrestling practice. He had said something to me during the bout. I don't remember what it was but I took exception to it. I was easily provoked back then and for the rest of the match I had used only questionable techniques, primarily designed to inflict pain rather than score points.

'So, how'd you manage that?', I said for conversations sake, not really giving a damn either way.

'Oh, I was really pissed and fell through the sliding glass door at my place, funny really'.

I laughed. It was funny.

'Did, you go to Denes funeral?' he asked almost in the same breath.

'Woah, where did that come from?', I thought. It was something I was completely unprepared for, and had certainly not expected to hear from anyone that day, especially not Chris.

It's funny how you mentally prepare for questions you know will come. You go over and over them in your head until you figure out the right answer. When the need arises, you apply it effortlessly. The bad part is if you get asked a question you haven't prepared yourself for. Usually a confused or nonsensical answer is the best you can hope for. I was unprepared.

'Um, yeah....' I managed to get out in a voice that I thought sounded very non-committal.

I said no more, hoping Chris would take the hint and change the subject. He didn't.

'Yeah, I should have gone, but didn't, dunno why. Just couldn't I suppose. Dene and I got on pretty good, we went to intermediate together you know...'

'Yeah', I said once again in the same tone as before.

It's not that I didn't care about what had happened, I did. The thing was I knew what Chris was getting at and I wasn't going to be the one to give him his piece of mind. Of all the things I saw during those two months perhaps the most pitiful was of people claiming Denes friendship, seeking out their own piece of mind at his expense. People that had visited maybe twice. They'd say all the things needed to make themselves OK with what was happening. They didn't seem to consider Denes feelings. It seemed to me they weren't even giving him a chance. I really didn't understand it. I saw it, and he saw it too. After all, he had cancer not some mental disorder that had suddenly made him a retard. What were they thinking? I guess I'll never know. When Dene needed people to be strong for him, they were weak. I felt sure that weakness ebbed away at what little hope he had, and it wasn't right.

So no. 'Screw You Chris', I thought to myself. Dene didn't need people like you around him. Sure you were his friend, but not when it mattered. I kept my thoughts to myself. I didn't see the need to lay blame and guilt, what happened had happened and nothing would change that. As far as I was concerned that's just the type of people they were. They probably didn't see what they had done anyway. Maybe I was the only one who did - from my point of view at least. In any case, I damn sure wasn't going to do anything to help them with their own petty needs. Selfish I guess.

I think my expression must have changed because Chris left it at that and changed the topic. We talked for about another 15 minutes, I forget about what, then Chris got called for his interview. We said goodbye and that's the last I saw of him.

I stared at my book, not reading. I didn't like to think about what had happened because I couldn't explain it. To me it made no sense at all and the fact that it had happened anyway worried me. I had decided it was pointless analysing it. It was a problem with no solution. Forcing it to the back of my mind seemed the best thing to do.

I turned the page of my book, not having read the previous one and not intending to read the next.

* * * * *

### CHAPTER TWO

It was a typically Auckland summers day - beautifully clear and crisp. The sun was shining, the birds were singing and the sky was a perfect blue. It was the kind of Saturday morning I'd come to expect from Auckland in the summertime.

My Dad & brother Danny dropped me off outside St Peters College. They were no doubt off to work on the car. They were forever changing the timing, fitting new wheels or doing some kind of engine modification. I slid out, said goodbye, and watched them accelerate back up the street. The sound of the American V8 was fairly unique in these parts. It made a noise that was pretty had to ignore. It sounded restless, as though it was frustrated at revving so low. It gave the impression that any second it would roar into life and propel it's large aerodynamically challenged body forward at an obscene rate. Oddly enough, it quite often did when my dad was behind the wheel. Today it was content to cruise slowly up the street, growling throatily at pedestrians with distain.

I turned and started walking towards the schools playing fields. I didn't actually go to school here, but I almost did. Two years earlier I had finished my primary education and was looking for an intermediate school. St Peters was a catholic school, which meant they would accept me on account of my having attended St Joseph's primary. It wasn't a bad school by all accounts and many of my friends were going there. Its strange how life works in stages. I hadn't had a particularly fun time at primary, being the target of bully's and abuse. I guess if I had gone on to St Peters that cycle probably would have just continued. That was hard for me to imagine now.

Yep, not going to that school signaled a major change in my life. It was something that really did shape me and dictate the future events of my life. Now here I was. Returning to the school that I associated with my past, to meet with a friend I had met since from my new life. Stage one completed. Weird.

I rounded a tall square building and came across what I was looking for, the cricket field. It was the beginning of the summer break and Falani and I had organised to meet at his cricket game in the morning. I wasn't exactly sure how that would work out seeing as cricket games generally lasted all day, but Falani had a plan - he always had a plan. He'd assured me that either they would be batting, in which case he would bat early then we could leave or they would be fielding, in which case we could leave anyway because fielding wasn't any fun. Seemed logical to me. I got closer to the game and noticed that Falani was batting. Taking this into account I took up a position on a nearby guardrail and started to wait.

Falani was a good mate. He was a bit shorter than me and probably not quite as stocky, but that didn't seem to disadvantage him in anything that we got mixed up in. Everybody liked him; he was that kind of guy. He always had something going on and I'd learned to recognise the general direction he was headed in by the grin on his face. I needed to. Falani had a habit of springing things on you at the last minute. It wasn't that he was trying to catch you out, it's just that his mind worked so quickly that he usually only knew a few seconds before you did. I watched him bat for a few minutes. Falani was good. I wasn't particularly surprised. In the two years I had known him he had been good at every sport he tried. I hadn't actually seen him play a real game of cricket before, but he was certainly terrorising the opposition today. He played like he did when we played in the schoolyard. No style to speak of, just pure enthusiasm and raw talent. He noticed me, gave a wave and flashed a grin. I knew what that grin meant, the insanity was about to begin. The bowler stood at the end of his run up and Falani tapped his bat against the ground. The bowler paused for a moment then gathering all his momentum started his run. Suddenly, before anyone knew what had happened, Falani had charged halfway down the wicket. It's a reasonable enough tactic, it's just that the bowler hadn't even let go of the ball yet. The poor guy was so shocked he forgot about letting go of the ball completely and stopped. This in turn shocked Falani who had to hastily retreat to the safety of his crease. I laughed, he wanted to go.

I sat smiling and shaking my head. He was fun to watch. It was about then I became aware of someone approaching me from the side. I turned to see who it was.

"Cameron?!", I said out loud not realising I'd done so.

"Hi, Gav, How's it going?"

Was I shocked? Yes.

Cameron was my best friend back at primary. He had gone on to St Peters as I had intended to and we hadn't seen each other for over a year and a half. We had both made new friends and drifted apart as people tend to do when separated by circumstance. I guess what made us such good friends back then was that we both got hassled equally by the same people and so could relate to each other. Those times had past though and I certainly wasn't the same timid little white guy he knew back then, as such the conversation quickly became forced and awkward.

We talked about nothing for a few minutes until he noticed the jacket I was wearing and asked about it. That jacket was my symbol that the past was truly dead. That year I had made the Auckland rugby league age group rep side. The jacket was a rep jacket. It proved that I was no longer someone to be pushed around, no longer a target for bullies. Sure they could try, but my response differed greatly from two years previous and so far I had always come out on top. I was a completely different person. I attributed this to my not having gone to St Peters. Going to Parnell intermediate was the key. What made that place so different and me so different now? Atmosphere. I was still the timid little white guy when I had started my new school but things were different. There were no pre-conceived ideas of who I was or what I stood for. No one was looking to take things out on me for being different. The kids were just kids. It was a situation I hadn't encountered before and to be honest I didn't know what to make of it. For the first couple of weeks I kept thinking it must just be some kind of covert tactic. That the bullying would soon start - but it didn't. As far as I could make out there were no bullies here. No one saw me as a target for their amusement and so I wasn't and never have been since. I soon made new friends there, good friends. I never told any of them about my past. I don't think they would have believed me anyway.

It turned out Cameron played cricket for St Peters and was in a match starting on an adjoining field in a few minutes. We said goodbye and he headed for his game. I didn't regret not going to that school with him at all.

Just then Falani called out to me, "Gav, let's go!". He gestured towards the area where his team mates were sitting and started walking from the pitch in that direction. I nodded, hopped off the railing and started over that way.

I arrived in time to hear the last part of an extremely weak explanation to the coach as to why he couldn't stay for the rest of the game. The coach didn't seem too happy about it but seemed to realise there wasn't too much he could actually do, so agreed. Falani grinned and headed my way.

"Whatdya think about my batting skills? Pretty good ay!"

"Awesome", I replied. "Shall we head off then?"

"Yeah, hold on a sec tho, I want to introduce you to someone, remember that guy I told you about? Dene?"

"Oh yeah", I said, "He left just before I got to Parnell".

"That's the one", Falani replied, and pointed.

I followed the direction of Falani's finger and caught sight of an amazing thing. It didn't seem quite right. I wouldn't have believed it if you had told me about it but there it was staring me right in the face so to speak. This dude had an afro! An afro's not strange I'll agree, but this guy was white! Cool.

Dene was tall and skinny. Taller than Falani or myself and quite lanky. He wasn't paper white, but he definitely wasn't dark skinned either. With that afro and his height all I could thing about was that he must be a good basketball player.

Falani moved towards him and I followed.

"Dene, this is my mate Gav, he goes to Parnell with me" said Falani.

Dene smiled politely in my direction and replied, "Hi Gav"

"Hey Dene", I said, my eyes still fixed on his hair. It wasn't a big afro but it was undeniably an afro. I couldn't stop looking at it. I was tempted to touch it to make sure it was real but thought better of it. I thought it was pretty cool alright.

Dene seemed quite anxious but I put that down to Falani having already told him about me. Falani tended to embellish sometimes.

"We're going down to the pools, wanna come?" Falani asked. He paused briefly, then not waiting for a reply continued with, "Everyone's going to be there." sensing Denes reluctance.

Dene was quiet for a moment then said "I would, but I've got to play this game out, especially now that your leaving." and looked at the ground.

"Ok, but if you change your mind, we'll be at the Parnell Baths." replied Falani not even trying to argue. I guess it was something on Denes face that told him not to bother. I saw it. It seemed to me he wanted to go but there was a look of determination on his face that said 'I've started this game so I'm going to finish it'.

"Ok", said Dene looking back up at us.

"We better get going then", Falani said looking at me, "seeya later Dene".

"Yeah, seeya" I chimed in.

"Bye guys" replied Dene kinda sadly.

We turned and headed towards the road.

"So whatya think of Dene?" asked Falani once we were out of earshot.

"He's pretty cool", I said in my standard 'give nothing away' voice.

"Yeah, it'd be excellent if he still went to Parnell, we used to have heaps of fun.".

I could see it. Falani was the type of person that could motivate you to do almost anything even if it seemed ridiculous. That combined with his natural charm often resulted in crazy fun times. The more people he got involved the more crazy fun we generally had. It was a good arrangement.

We'd left the school grounds and were walking down the road that ran parallel to the cricket field laughing and generally being stupid when Dene called out to us.

"Hey guys! Want these smokes?"

We had initially thought that he had changed his mind about going to the pools with us. No such luck. It turned out he had somehow acquired an unopened packet of smokes and wanted to know if we wanted them.

"Sure, throw 'em down". He did and we thanked him. We thought he was pretty cool for having a packet of smokes and I guess he thought we were pretty cool for taking them - presumably to smoke. In reality of course neither of us did smoke but we weren't going to admit that in the middle of the street in front of anyone who might have been watching. Come to think of it, it was cool for him to have them but why would he give them away? What would he smoke? Oh well. I guess both parties left thinking the other were cooler than they really were. We were all happy with our respective images so that was ok.

Falani pocketed the smokes at the same time looking around to see if anyone saw and was impressed. No one was. We both gave a wave back up to Dene and continued down the street.

I wouldn't see Dene again that summer and to be honest a couple of days after our meeting I had completely forgotten about it. I went about having a great summer with all my friends. I believed that my life had reached a point that could not be influenced by external forces. Everything I knew would remain and nothing could affect me or anything associated with me. I was invincible. Hmm, that's kids for you I guess.

* * * * *

### CHAPTER Three

I had always treated the first day of term after the summer break with mixed emotions. On one hand it was exciting to see and catch up with friends who may have gone away for the summer. It was fun to meet the new people that had arrived at your school for the term. It was cool to be a year older and a step further up the social hierarchy that is the school system.

Unfortunately, these things only kept up my enthusiasm for school a few days at most. Soon enough I would be thinking about the monotony of having to be at school every day. Not being able to wake up when I was no longer tired. Not being able to go to the local hang outs as and when I felt like it. Not being able to laze around all day doing nothing – actually I could do that. Of course skipping school was always an option. I skipped fairly often I guess but most of the time it just wasn't worth it. Usually only a couple of us would ditch at any one time. It wasn't as much fun without the whole gang. In fact it sucked. Half the time the only reason I wanted to go to school was to see my friends. It seemed to me incidental that I would occasionally learn something.

All that was before. This year I was the one starting the new school. The school I had been going to only catered up to form 2 - intermediate. I was now embarking on my secondary school career and wasn't particularly happy about it. Why would I be? I was coming from a school of 200 students where I was in the senior class and was a school hero. Everyone knew me and I pretty much knew everyone. Now I was being put into a situation where there were more people in my form than there were at my old school! I couldn't believe it. 1800 students - 300 of those form 3. To make matters worse I soon discovered that form 3 pupils were universally despised and generally considered free game. Great. So there it was. A new school where I was the low of the low. No-one knew me or could care less about me. All my hard work at my previous school was wiped away. I knew only 5 or 6 people, those being the guys who had also enrolled from my old school. I should have been realising about this time that things were changing. Of course I didn't.

My first day was an interesting one. I had arranged to met Falani and the gang beforehand so that we could all turn up to school together. I remember meeting at Falani's place but I don't recall much of what went on. Probably the usual antics we would get up to before school. One thing I do remember as being different was the fact that we were all wearing uniforms.

I remember school uniforms. My very first school had required them. My intermediate hadn't. Most of the guys from my intermediate had never had to wear them before and seemed quite excited to get the chance. I wasn't. I think they looked at the uniform as a symbol of pride. I guess it said to them "I belong to something". All it said to me was I'm wearing uncomfortable clothes and look like a fish. Although they did have they're good points. After all, it wasn't hard to decide what to wear in the morning.

We rolled up to the front gate of the school and were met by Prefects. I was to learn not long later that essentially this was the school yard version of the Hitler Youth. The idea behind it is to give responsibility to older pupils and to ease some of the teacher's burdens. Good idea in theory I guess, the only problem is it doesn't work. Most of the Prefects I ever had encounters with where complete Nazis. Abuse of power? I guess this is how you learn to be a politician.

Anyway, we were directed to a room where to our amazement we were to sit a test. This was a new one. Having a test on the first day! Oh well. We figured that if this was how it was done at secondary school at least the rest of the year would be cruisey. Nope. This was our introduction to another great secondary school vision - streaming. I don't actually remember anything being explained to us about how it worked. We were just handed a test and told to do our best. No problem.

For the next two days most of us managed to stay together. There wasn't much going on and we eventually figured out that the rest of the school was still on holiday. On the third day it happened. We were told that the results of our tests had been collated at we had been "streamed" accordingly. The result of this was that we were all split up and placed in different classes. There were eleven third form classes that year and we were spread fairly evenly through them. They were labeled A to K. I ended up in D, Falani in K and the rest of the guys spread evenly between us. We were told that this streaming was to help us learn by providing teaching to match our learning skills. What this actually meant was the top classes got the top teaches, the middle classes got the average teachers and the bottom classes got whatever was left. It also meant that anyone who didn't do well on these tests got labeled. Once you get labeled it can be easy to slip into the stereotype.

I was pretty shocked that Falani had been placed in the lowest class but he didn't seem to mind. In fact it seemed like he was enjoying his new environment. It was pretty laid back with not much in the way of pressure. Most the teachers weren't too worried about the performance of these guys. I think they were just happy if they turned up every now and then and didn't cause too much trouble in class. They were the lowest class and nothing much was expected from them. Most of them obliged, Falani certainly did.

Things were different once we got streamed. Almost overnight we seemed to lose the things we used to have in common. Everyone was making new friends and gaining new interests – moving on. I wasn't. I was happy with the way things were. If you had told me a month ago that this would have happened, I would have laughed. Things change.

I didn't really hang out with the rest of the guys much after that. We occasionally hung out at lunch breaks and stuff but we hardly ever got together outside school any more. When we did there was a whole new group of people there with us. It wasn't the same. It seemed like I was the only one who noticed the change. I guess it was a more natural progression for everyone else. It just seemed strange to me. That first term I didn't make many friends in my own class. I had tried but without much success. The guys in my class were just different. I mean there was nothing wrong with them as such. We just seemed to be from different walks of life. I didn't know why at the time but I do now. People say that we don't live in a class system. That's crap. We live in a class system defined by money. The more money you have the better life you live. The more money you have the better the environment you live in. Most people don't think its true but that's just a symptom of the problem. It's a bit like tax brackets. In fact tax brackets could almost be used to define the class structure. People in these social tax brackets don't understand the lives of people in other brackets. Of course this leads to the big denial of a class system. It's no big deal tho. I don't think anyone in one bracket can understand the life of a person in another bracket. If you move into another bracket you lose the understanding of the bracket you were in. It's clear enough to me. People with money lead a better life. They don't believe that of course – see what I mean? The guys in my class were just a couple of tax brackets above me, enough to give us nothing in common.

I did manage to make a friend in that class tho because there are always exceptions. It's good to have a friend.

The rest of the term passed pretty slowly. I managed to get a reputation as a tough guy pretty early on because I wouldn't take shit from anyone. It was just the way I was back then, I wasn't trying to be anything special. It was all a big scam anyway. In our first Physical Ed class we were going into the changing rooms just as a 5th form class was coming out. I didn't pay any attention to them – why would I? Some punk decided that he'd have a bit of fun at my expense. He started picking at me, calling me names –then he pushed me. I wasn't too worried until he pushed me – I could care less if some dude calls me names but I had a thing about being pushed or touched. I turned to face him then without a word quickly extended my arms out flat palmed into his chest. He went flailing back, tripped over some bags and fell to the floor. "Piss off arsehole" I said calmly. Man he looked bummed. I don't know who got saved but just then a teacher came in which broke things up. The guy got up and just said "3:15, bottom toilets, be there". "You bet" was my response. Then he just walked out. 3:15 came and went but the guy never turned up. I found out later on that a friend of mine that used to go to my intermediate was in his class. He had built me up to be some kind of physco killer kung fu master so the guy had decided that it was probably best just to forget about it – suited me. A lot of people seemed to know me after that, I dunno why. Anyway, I pretty much forgot about it and went on with life. That term I joined the wrestling team which was fun. Things weren't so bad – just different.

* * * * *

### CHAPTER four

At the end of the first term came a series of tests. It was kinda strange to have a major test in each subject so early in the year but it was just a new part of life. I didn't do particularly well but didn't care too much either. I was doing ok and was having an ok time doing it so I didn't worry. Maybe I should have. At the beginning of the next term I was dropped two classes to class F. I apparently hadn't done well enough to stay in my original class. Great first streamed now re-streamed. Just when I had gotten used to my environment it changed on me. New teachers, new timetable, a new group of people to get to know. The worst thing about a new class is that they've already had one term together and grouped off. Great. Still by that stage making new friends wasn't particularly hard. News of my great feats had apparently spread far and wide through the 3rd form. I was the protector of the innocent, champion of justice – I didn't get messed with. Consequently anyone who happened to be hanging out with me didn't get messed with either. This gave people a great incentive to be my friend but made it hard for me to make them.

In any case I had to make the best of my new situation. It was about the 3rd day of the second term and I turned up to my new class at the start of a double period of science. I was late because my time table had changed and I was now scheduled in class rooms I didn't even know existed before now. I walked in and everyone stopped what they were doing and looked at me – I'm not kidding. I didn't say anything, just found an empty seat at the back of the class. I took a quick glance around the room and decided that this class was worse than my last. You shouldn't judge people by their appearance, but back then I did. All I could see were geeks and nerds. I remember specifically checking out one group of kids. They were sitting in the middle back row – the classic hardcore seats. These guys looked so far away from hardcore it just wasn't funny. They were mostly skinny white guys with freckles and glasses. The boss was sitting in the middle. He was taller than the others and had quite bushy hair for a white guy. I thought he looked familiar but couldn't place him. The rest of the guys at his table were fussing over him. Trying to get him to listen to their holiday stories and showing him their great new pencil cases. I laughed to myself. Just then I noticed the boss was looking in my direction checking me out. The last thing I was after was a confrontation. He was obviously the leader in this class. The guy everyone wanted to be friends with. The guy everyone wanted to impress.

The problem with having a rep is that along with the heap of people that want to be your friend you also get the occasional guy that wants your rep. I figured that this could be one of those guys. I couldn't care less if a guy wanted a rep and if there was a way I could just say "have mine", I would have. The problem is reps have to be earned and the easiest way to earn a rep is to take on somebody who already has one. My problem was I wouldn't back down if someone hassled me. That's what had earned me my rep as a tough guy. I never went out looking for trouble but I never walked away if it came looking for me. In any case now wasn't a good time. I had no interest in trouble and no ambitions of becoming the new most popular guy in the class. I just gave a nod and got back to my timetable. I was still trying to figure out where my last 3 classes of the day were.

A few minutes later the teacher got called away to do something. I didn't really notice at first because I wasn't paying attention anyway. I was still grappling with the timetable of death. It's funny. No one bothers to tell you where any of these class rooms are when they give you the timetable. I mean, would it be so hard to give you a map of the school with the blocks labeled? Instead you have to figure it out yourself by wandering pointlessly around the school taking building numbers. The other option of course was to find somebody who had already done this and ask them. That was my preferred option. I looked up and decided to ask the guy nearest to me.

"Hey dude, hows it goin?" I asked this guy as an icebreaker.

"Ahh, good" he replied.

"Choice. Look bro, I've got this new timetable and I'm having a problem trying to figure out where L12 is. You know where I can find it?"

The kid looked kinda confused but I paused and gave him the benefit of the doubt. Maybe no one had ever talked to him before and he was having trouble thinking of something to say.

"Why are you looking for L12" he finally replied.

Sigh. What the hell did it matter – did he know or not. I wasn't after a conversation. I actually did just want to know where it was. I was just about to fling off a wise crack when someone else started in.

"You taking Latin?" the Boss asked.

I turned to face him.

"Yeah, you too?" I asked.

"Nah, It's an option, but I think L12 is in the block next to the tuck shop." He said.

In the D class Latin was compulsory. I guess they figured we were somehow more refined than the guys below us. It sucked tho. In class F Latin was an option. This meant that although I now didn't have to take it, I did, because I had already been forced to do one term of it. If I did anything else now, I'd be a term behind.

"Thanks man. It's a bit of a mission trying to figure how to get around this place. Anyway, my names Gavin." I said

"No worries, I'm Dene". He replied.

For the rest of the period we talked. The teacher never came back – no one cared. I quickly discovered that this guy wasn't after my rep at all. In fact it was too soon to tell but it looked like he wanted to be my friend. That was cool. He seemed like a cool guy. The good thing was I had a feeling he didn't really know who I was or if he did he didn't care. I'm embarrassed to say it now but this was the same Dene I had met a few months earlier at Falani's cricket game. A few months later I would ask him about it and he just said "Yeah, that was me". He had recognised me that day in science class. That was why he had checked me out. It didn't bug him that I didn't recognise him. Actually I think he preferred that I didn't click that day. We became good friends because we got on good with each other. Not because of us being friends of friends or through some strange shared background, which we actually did have. I preferred it that way as well.

That year was a transitional year for me. I spent half my time hanging with Dene and a couple of other guys from my new class and half the time hanging with my other friends.

It was a strange combination. One that I soon realised probably could not co-exist. On one side I had Dene and co. If Dene hadn't been there I wouldn't have hung out with these guys. Most of the time at lunch breaks we would just laze around. We'd find a spot, claim it for our own and then just relax and eat our lunch. These guys weren't heavily into sports or anything. Sure we'd quite often have a game of cricket or rugby but it was pretty laid back. Most of the time we'd just talk.

To contrast this I had my other mates. I wasn't in any classes with these guys. We had met through other means. Some were friends of my brother who were doing their last year. Some were wrestling buddies. Some were new friends or relatives of my original mates from intermediate. Our times together were completely different to what I did with Dene.

We basically had two lunchtime occupations. If it was wet and muddy on the fields we would play held on the concrete fives courts. If it was dry and the fields were hard we would play full contact rugby league on the top field. The difference between the two games was negligible. Both games were hard arse. Most of the guys involved were hard-core 7th formers. These guys were tough. A lot of them in the first 15. Me and I think maybe three or four other 3rd formers were allowed to play due to our backgrounds. It wasn't a closed game mind you. Anyone could join in. You just had to prove yourself. I quite enjoyed the games. It reminded me of my brief League career of the previous year. The games were hard and there was no quarter given. It was cool tho. With only the occasional exception, when the game was over everyone was friends again.

One thing I remember is that if the game was good the teachers would let us continue playing for 5-10minutes after the end of lunch bell. Many a time I'd arrive to class late and bloodied with a ripped shirt. Most of my after lunch teachers didn't mind tho which was cool. Dene always saved me a seat. If I had been particularly damaged whilst playing I would make up a story to tell Dene. It was always nothing like the truth which was usually a head clash. More like "these 3 guys started hassling me so I had to teach them a lesson" kinda thing. Sometimes if I didn't use a completely outrageous story he'd believe me. I liked that he believed me.

Me and Dene sat next to each other in most classes that year. It was cool. We'd help each other out in our studies but usually would just muck around. We got the standard "not applying yourselves" speeches from various teachers, which was probably true. We were having a good time tho so didn't take it on board. Our standing order was to do stupid things in class and get away with them.

I remember our 3rd Form social studies teacher. He had caned more pupils than any other teacher in the school by a quite respectable margin. You could get caned in his class for talking when he was in a bad mood. Dene and I never got caned, not by him, not by anyone. That in itself was surprising especially when you consider some of the things we did. One time Dene had found a lighter during lunch. As luck would have it the lighter still had some gas. Dene, Me, a lighter and social studies quite an explosive combination. Mr Teach was up at the board scribbling something that obviously wasn't very interesting so we got to work. At first Dene was just firing the lighter up which was cool but didn't seem quite enough. About then I remembered a standing argument we'd been having through the dull periods of class. Did Inflammable mean that the item would or wouldn't burn. Obviously inquiring minds had to know (dictionaries are over rated). I grabbed the lighter off Dene. He looked concerned. Teach turned around mumbled something in our direction then continued writing. I grabbed Denes twink. He punched me in the leg as he instantly knew what I was up to. I'm pretty sure he didn't care that I was about to fire up some twink. What interested him more was that it was his twink. Throughout our school career Dene had it tough with me around. I was constantly snapping rulers and mutilating pens – mostly his. No matter how many plastic rulers I broke I always thought I could bend them to just before snapping point. Usually I couldn't. Anyway reacting to the punch I said something like "Relax, you reckon it won't burn anyway!". At that Dene shrugged and motioned for me to continue. I undid the twink top and pulled out the dispenser rod. I smiled. I fired up the lighter and held the flame over the ball of twink at the end of the rod. Nothing! Dene flashed me a smirk and grabbed back the twink. As you could imagine I was fairly disappointed. While Dene was fiddling with his twink I noticed that the edge of his exercise book was hanging off the desk. The perfect crime. I took the lighter and set fire to his book. At first he didn't notice so I tapped him on the shoulder and pointed it out. His first reaction was to almost jump out of his seat. I cracked up quietly. The next thing Dene did was smother the flame and put it out. The funny thing was, putting the flame out caused more problems than the fire itself. Immediately a large black cloud of smoke rose from our desks. I hadn't counted on that. I saw Denes face which was one of shock – it reflected mine. Just then Mr Teach turned around paused then started walking our way. Panic ran through us. We quickly tried to get rid of the evidence under the desk. It was no good. The smell of smoke was in the air. I glanced up and saw the smoke cloud lingering at the top of the roof. We were in for it for sure. Teach walked up to us and stopped.

He paused a moment looking at my book and the absence of Denes then said "You boys understanding all this?"

"Yes Sir" we replied in unison.

"Good" he said. "Vazey" he paused again, "where's your exercise book?"

"Uhhh I left it at home Sir, I'm going to borrow Picknells tonight to get the notes" Dene replied.

Teach didn't reply immediately he just looked at Dene.

"Very well, but make sure you don't forget it again". Teach paused again looking like he was trying to figure out what is was we were up to. I guess he couldn't because he turned around and headed back to the front of the class.

The sigh of relief from both of us was audible. Neither of us could figure out how he didn't smell the smoke. Maybe he was a smoker. That close call saw us actually behaving in social studies for a few days after that. It didn't last.

We became better and better friends that year. I didn't feel like Dene was just hanging around me to be cool or to be protected. I felt sure some of the guys were. I didn't really help my own cause I guess. One time me and Dene arrived to English class to find that a 6th former from the class next door was hassling some of the smaller guys in our class. I hated that. These guys hadn't done anything to this dude. They were just waiting outside the class for our teacher to arrive. This guy was a lot bigger than them and maybe a foot taller than me with about the same build. He had gone for the smallest guys in the class who also happened to probably be some of the smallest 3rd formers in the school. He was pushing these guys up and down the corridor calling them terds. No one from my class was doing anything about it. I scoped out the area and noticed a couple of other 6th formers watching but not looking so impressed. I asked Dene to hold my bag and walked over to where he had a guy cornered.

"Hey man" I said, "Why don't you pick on somebody your own size."

I guess that was the wrong thing to say because he dropped the kid he was hassling and grabbed me by the collar. He pushed me up against the wall and said, "You mean like you?" Actually that wasn't what I meant at all. I was hoping he was going to see the error in his ways and leave us all alone. I guess not. I didn't say anything which was kinda my trade mark. I guess this guy didn't know who I was because he continued to wait for me to say something. In one motion I just stepped across him putting him into a headlock and flipping him over my back onto the wooden floor. It was a basic wrestling take down, one I had practiced often. The sound of him hitting the floor echoed through the corridor. It sounded painful. He ended up flat on his back with my knee in his chest and my fist raised. I contemplated pounding on him. He looked really scared. I decided to let him up and just said "Yeah, someone like me".

He struggled to his feet and just stood there for a second looking around. Eventually he pointed to me and said "Your lucky man" then made a quick retreat into his classroom. It was an attempt to save face that didn't really work. I checked out the other 6th formers hanging around. I was worried that I was about to end up on the wrong end of a beating. One of them just nodded to me and they walked into the classroom too. I figured that they didn't think much of this guys actions either. It was just that protocol stopped them from doing anything. Stupid really.

There was a huge cheer from the guys in my class. A couple of the guys being hassled came over and thanked me. That was cool. Dene walked over and handed me my bag. "You're a hero now Gav" he said with a touch a sarcasm. He knew the score.

I already had enough people trying to hang with me because of my rep. I didn't need any more. I was pretty nasty to people for the rest of the day. Not to Dene tho. I knew he'd still be hanging with me even if I had of got my arse kicked.

* * * * *

### CHAPTER five

By the end of my 3rd form year Dene and I had become pretty good friends. We would do things outside of school and talk to each other on the phone quite often. We'd discovered that we had some pretty similar interests. We both liked cars although I was completely biased. I pretty much only liked Chevrolets with big V8s. I would argue until I was blue in the face that these cars were better than anything. I'm not kidding. If you had told me a formula one racecar was faster or better than a Chev I'd have argued it out with you until you gave up or I left. Dene liked big V8 cars as well but he was more logical about it. He was about everything. He liked Fords as well as Chevs based on hard evidence. I hated Fords just because they were Fords. Nothing would change that. Still, I like to think I introduced him to the magnificence that is the Chevrolet motor company.

I was also into computers and more specifically computer games. I had this one game - Test Drive II, a car driving game. Me and Dene must have spent hours banging away on the joystick playing that game. We would take turns and see who could do the various courses the fastest. I remember I had to drive the Porsche because the Corvette in the game sucked to drive. I would complain to Dene about it every time we played but he would just say "Face it Gav, the Corvette is just no good!" which would wind me up even more. We never got sick of that game.

Dene quite liked rap music. I was a big fan and had been for years. I was pretty surprised to learn that LL Cool J was one of his favorite artists. We would swap tapes and blast tunes whenever possible. His Dad had a place with a deck and a pool. Perfect for lounging and listening to some beats. I don't think his neighbors appreciated it much. They never do. We enjoyed it though.

Sometimes we'd talk for hours on the phone We'd talk about anything. Sometimes we'd just talk complete crap. Dene would say something like "Doo wuggy woo woos" and I'd reply with "Doo Nugga wugga woo" or something along those lines. This sometimes went on for 10 to 15 minutes. That's a long time when you're talking garbage. It kept us amused though which was the main thing. Sometimes Dene would impress me by playing melodies on his touch-tone keypad. He'd say, "Have you heard this one?" then blast out a tune. Mostly folk songs and Christmas carols. It was pretty cool though. One time my mum called me to help her with something so I told Dene I'd ring him back. He told me he'd hang on he didn't mind waiting. That's was cool. I took off and returned about 5 minutes latter to hear tones coming from my phone. When I finally managed to break in Dene explained that he was counting using the touch keys on the phone while he waited. Apparently his record was around 687. Unfortunately this time he hadn't managed to break it.

Dene also told me about his exploits at our old intermediate. They bore a remarkable resemblance to my own. It seemed odd that we should have so much in common from our past yet never met in it. One of the more amusing stories he told me was the one about why there were so few guys at the school. In my 2nd form class there were probably around 30 students. 12 of those were guys. Apparently two years before there had been a mass exodus of male students. That was the year Dene left. Dene reckoned it was his fault. He claimed that he had started a rumor about one of the teachers. Something about the guy being gay or something. Dene was pretty well known by the parents of the other children. According to him this triggered a chain reaction that saw parents relocating their kids to other schools. I don't know if that's true or not. I had no reason not to believe him though. The accusation was false. I think it may have just been something he'd seen on the news. It makes you wonder but. Somehow a rumor of that level started by an 11 year old managed to take root. Classic.

I still saw the other guys from my intermediate but it was nothing like the year before. I would occasionally try to organise a get together at one of our old handouts but it never seemed to work out. I was a little disappointed about that. It wasn't so bad but. I had new friends too.

We started the 4th form pretty much how we had finished the 3rd form. Our class had remained pretty much unchanged and so had our attitudes. We were still doing well enough with our schoolwork so I guess we felt we were allowed a little something in return.

I spent most of my time with Dene and the others that year. A lot of the people I knew from the previous year had left the school. Notably my brother's friends and all of the 7th formers I used to play the league games with. That was funny actually. Once those guys left the games just stopped. There was no depth in the people playing. Some of the older guys had told me I'd be a force to be reckoned with in the lunchtime games in the years to come. It wasn't to be. The school didn't seem the same to me after those guys left. There was no one left to look up to. I guess I was lucky I had Dene and the others to hang with or I'd pretty much have been on my own.

That year Dene, me and another guy from our class, Amon, hung together pretty tight. Amon had known Dene since before secondary school and they had managed to end up in the same class after streaming. Amon and I were pretty good friends but both of us were better friends with Dene than with each other. Amon used to crack me up. He had this thing about being mature. Every time somebody did something he'd make a crack about how immature they were being. He didn't seem to get that we were just acting our age. I guess you'd call him the classic arty type. He had long hair and was really into the 60's. I didn't even know what the 60's were until I met him. It seemed his main ambition in life was to be rebel. He was always coming up with plans but never seemed to follow them through. His father was an English teacher at the school. Maybe that had something to do with it. Man that's gotta hurt. He wore it pretty well though.

Things continued pretty much as I would have expected. The only difference was that Amon was more involved. If I wasn't hanging out with Dene, I could pretty much count on him being with Amon. It didn't worry me though. We were all good buddies. I guess to the teachers we were the terrible trio. We were continually being separated in class until the teachers finally gave up and just let us sit together. I think the thing that really pissed them off was that we were actually doing ok. A lot better than some of the guys in the class.

Form 4 was a breeze. No external exams to sit. Nothing of real importance to worry about. I remember liking our English class in particular. Dene did to. We had this Indian guy that had some kind of PhD or something in English literature. The only problem was he couldn't communicate in English very well. He was a nice guy. He just happened to have the accent from hell and the hand writing to match. That actually made it pretty cruisey for us. Neither of us found the work very hard. If ever we got behind we'd just tell Teach we misunderstood his instructions. Worked every time. Amon didn't have much problem with English either. Made sense I guess. It didn't stop him from complaining about the poor guy all the time though. I guess Dene and I probably did to. I just seem to remember Amon continually hassling the guy. Sometimes you just have to accept the situation and make the best of it. That's an important lesson to learn. It helps if you learn it early on. I remember Dene and I doing better than Amon in English that year. I put it down to Amon spending too much time complaining and not enough time working. He didn't really care anyway I don't think. Sill, we made sure to tell him how we'd outdone him all the same.

Dene and I kept up with our old tricks. I remember one day Dene inventing formula 1 desk racing. Teach was late so we had to do something to keep ourselves amused. Our desks were the topic of discussion that day. We were talking about how cheap the school was keeping these crummy things. I figured that they must have been circa 1950. They were wooden one-piece desks and seats that you sat in. It was almost like sitting in a car seat. An uncomfortable one at that. The desks were arranged in 5 columns down the class. Each column was separated by a space of about one and bit desk widths. Dene and I were sitting right at the back. He was next to the wall and I was beside him. I guess one of us must have mentioned the fact that the desks were similar to cars. Mid conversation Dene stopped and produced an enlightened expression on his face. Without a word he shuffled his desk sideways and then raced desk and all up the gap between columns. Before I had a chance to react he had reached the top of the class and was flying back towards me down the adjacent column. His lap finished with a bang as he crashed full speed into the back wall. "Cool" I said. That triggered a series of time trials to see who could lap the fastest. We even had head to head competition with two desk racers running at once. I have to give those desks credit. We gave them shit but not one broke. I guess things were made to last back then.

Dene was a fairly talented guy. I remember in form 3 he'd written a poem that was published in some kind of schoolbook. Our English teacher didn't believe Dene was capable of writing it. Dene was questioned thoroughly about the true source of the poem. You'd think the guy had done something wrong. Not that he'd just written this cool poem. Eventually the work was begrudgingly accepted as being his. Dene was pretty proud of it. I thought it was pretty good when he showed me. I told him he was a geek anyway.

In the 4th form Dene got given a set of drums for a present. He was quite good at music. Until I took compulsory music in the 3rd form I never knew that it was so hard. I figured that you just got your instrument and churned out some beats. Nope. Even to play the drums Dene needed to know how to read music. I didn't have the patience. It was like learning another language. If I was going to learn another language it had better have had some swear words in it. Dene persisted though and was quite good. I told him he should just buy a drum machine and partner up with me in a rap duo. He just laughed.

About the same time it turned out that Amon was learning the guitar. Predictably he got the idea to form a rock group and become a rock hero. Amon and Dene came up with the name Hazardous State. Not surprisingly they were influenced by 60's music. They asked me to learn an instrument and join up but I wasn't into it. I was more of a rap man. Most of the stuff they were into sounded lame to me. Graciously though, they said they would do a Rock/Rap combo song in which I could feature with them. Cool. Dene told me that if I didn't become a rap star I could be an overpaid roadie with them. He was serious. I appreciated the sentiment. We, we being mainly them, spent most of the spare time in class figuring out how it was going to happen. Amon drew up a flyer for their first concert, which he thought would be pretty soon. It was ok for a ballpoint drawing on a lined piece of paper. Dene contributed by tapping out beats on the desk for their original hits. It kept us amused.

I guess the artistic side of Dene was what he had in common with Amon. At that point they both had similar dreams and Amon talked like he could make them happen. They would jam after school and on weekends. I think Dene realised they weren't actually that good yet. He never did have a problem separating fact from fiction. Amon on the other hand thought they rocked. I don't think he could understand why they hadn't hit it big yet. It didn't matter though. Everyone was having fun. That's what it was really about.

Near the end of that year I had a strange conversation with Dene. It was during maths. We had been assigned something to do and of course weren't doing it. We were talking crap about something when Dene just came out of the blue and said. "Gav, would you go to my Funeral?"

I didn't even pause I just replied "Nope".

I could tell he was deadly serious which worried me.

"Why not!?" he said in a slightly agitated voice.

"Because by the time either one of us dies we'll both be so senile that we won't remember ourselves let alone each other!" I replied.

He chuckled. I thought that I had defused the situation. What was he doing being so serious about it anyway.

"Seriously though Gav, would you go?" he asked again.

I could tell he wasn't going to drop it. I gave him a funny look and said "Of course. Why, do I need to RSVP?".

He laughed again. "Nah, it's just I'm sure I must have leukemia or something" he said.

It wasn't the first time I'd heard this from him. He'd told me a few times before about how he'd feel sick and throw up quite often. About how he was so skinny and pale compared to everyone else. The first time he told me I told him it was probably normal. I said sometimes I felt sick like that too. The next time he told me I said if he was worried he should go see a doctor. He'd seen his family doctor. The doctor told him it was just normal growing pains. He said that he should spend more time outside and get more exercise. Dene wasn't convinced but accepted the doctors word. I had told him that the doctor wouldn't be wrong and he had nothing to worry about. It's easy to say something like that. It's harder to believe.

"Nah man" I said. "You're right. We're both gonna be around for a long time yet!"

He smiled.

* * * * *

### CHAPTER six

That summer Dene and I spent a lot of time together. We generally just bummed around and hung out. A few weeks into the holiday we went to the beach for a couple of weeks. I remember it because the day before we were meant to leave we had a car accident.

Dene had been staying at my house. We were playing Test Drive on the computer when my Mum came in. "You guys want to come and help me with the shopping?" She asked.

"Only if I get to Drive" I replied with a grin.

I'd had gotten my restricted license a few weeks before. I was the first out of my group to get it. I was pretty proud of myself and keen to show Dene my skills.

"Ok, but no silly business" she said scowling.

Mum was always coming up with strange phases and descriptions of things. Occasionally she'd come up with a cool one. She was the person that coined the phrase "Music Box" to describe our Ghetto Blasters. Simple enough but pretty cool, we used Music Box from then on.

The three of us piled into Dannys two door Honda civic hatch back and got on our way. Mum next to me and Dene in the back. The trip to the shopping mall was pretty uneventful. I popped the clutch a couple of times claiming it was an accident but that was about it. I could see Dene smiling in the rear view mirror. He knew I was talking shit.

I drove pretty sedately on the way back. I knew when my Mums patience was wearing thin and figured I shouldn't push my luck. As fate would have it, it was when I was on my best behavior that the problems started. I was cruising towards a stop sign only two streets from home when it happened. We were all seated in the same positions as on the trip out with the groceries sitting in the back seat next to Dene. I must have been about 30 meters from the sign and slowing, doing probably around 40Ks. Next thing I know this old Cortinas backing out a drive full speed ahead at me. At first I thought he saw me and was going to stop. I guess the slight hesitation I assumed that from was him tightening his seat belt. The Cortina bounced violently over the gutter to the road and I served to avoid him. At the same time I hit the horn. I guess my inexperience showed because thinking back I probably should have accelerated around him. Instead I wound up on the wrong side of the road beeping my horn and with no speed on. The guy could have stopped then. If he had of, he would have missed. He kept going. The impact was loud and hard. I remember waiting for it to happen. Just sitting there, beeping my little horn helplessly. The Cortina didn't even slow and impacted in the rear quarter of the Honda, which got pushed sideways around about 45 degrees from the hit. Then it was quiet.

I was pretty freaked. I guess everyone else was too. A looked across at Mum and she seemed ok. I looked back and Dene waved with a crooked smile. Dene was sitting behind the front driver's seat. The groceries next to him. The Cortina had hit the passenger's side. The force of the impact had jumped the full box of groceries onto Denes lap. I guess it was lucky he was sitting where he. He thought so too, although he wasn't too impressed at being crushed by a box full of canned goods we had just stocked up on for the camping trip to the beach.

Once we were sure that the mad Cortina driver had noticed he had hit something and stopped Mum and I jumped out the car. I pulled my seat forward and helped Dene with the box.

"You Ok man?" I said.

"Sure – but I did want to have children some day you know!" he replied.

I gave a wry laugh.

The next 20 minutes were a bit of a blur. Everyone was still pretty upset. The guy that hit us was about 90 and claimed that we were obviously speeding because he looked. He refused to even let us use his phone to call the police. After a couple of minutes a neighbor turned up and let us use his phone. Apparently this wasn't the first time this kind of thing had happened. The police showed up pretty quickly. The old guy immediately claiming complete innocence and making wild accusations about me. "Probably doesn't have a license, probably doesn't have insurance, probably on drugs". Stupid old fool. The cop was pretty cool about it. He talked to me to make sure I wasn't any of those things then talked to the old guy. He calmly said to him "Look, you've pulled onto a road from a private driveway. It's your responsibility to ensure the road is clear before doing so. From the physical evidence you obviously didn't do that. You're at fault". The old guy shut up after that, especially when the cop asked me if I wanted to press reckless driving charges against him. I didn't. I just wanted to make sure the car would be fixed and we could get on with our plans.

We managed to drive the two blocks home. The car felt kinda funny. When we got home I checked out the damage. The rear quarter was completely written off. Man, I thought my brother was gonna kill me. He didn't though. He was cool about it. He came out, looked at it and said "Hmm, Nahh sweet! A bit a bog will fix that up – no worries!". That made me feel a bit better. Dene and I went inside and he rang his Mum to tell her what had happened. I wasn't too happy about that because I was sure she was going to tell him to come home. She was a bit freaked but was cool about it. Our beach plans were still on.

We decided to play a bit of Test Drive to calm our nerves. Man, those were the slowest course times we ever recorded.

The next day we headed for the beach. In our Cortina. Popular cars those. Mum drove.

The first couple of days at the beach Dene and I were getting on each other's nerves. It didn't last long though. Soon enough we were friends again and up to no good. We were staying at a motel on the beach. Just in front of it was a camp ground which was packed for the season. There was plenty going on and lots of people around. By day we would lounge on the beach checking out the action and catching the rays. By night we would cruise the dunes that separated the beach from the camp, blasting fat beats from Denes music box. One night we were relaxing on the dune playing some Tone Loc. I was talking to some dude about the surf and Dene was sitting about 5 meters away next to the box. Out of the corner of my eye I noticed this guy stop next to Dene. The guy said something then walked off. Dene turned the box down. I excused myself from the surfie guy and went over to Dene.

"What was that all about?" I asked.

"Nothing, he just wanted me to turn the music down" Dene replied.

"What!?!" I was pissed. I didn't bother asking why Dene had turned it down. He wasn't a wuss or anything. He was just more considerate than me. Still, who had made this guy the noise patrol? I didn't see anyone else complaining.

"Give me that!" I said.

"Why, what are you going to do with it?" he asked.

"Watch" I replied with an evil grin.

Dene looked worried but I knew he wanted to see what I was up to.

I grabbed the box and pumped it up to ten. The thing was distorting like shit especially with the heavy bass but it was loud. I jogged down the dune towards the sound Nazi. As I got closer he turned and looked at me. I kept going. He turned around and kept walking. By this time I was right behind him. I stopped running and started walked behind him matching his pace. He just ignored me and kept going. After a couple of minutes of me following him around he decided he couldn't hack it. He started up a jog and ran back down into the camp. Victory. I turned the box down cause it was giving me a headache and walked back to Dene. He was laughing his head off.

"You're crazy man!" He laughed.

"Yeah, I know but someone's got to be" I said as I handed the box back.

"Man, what if that guys gone to get some friends" Dene asked.

"True" I said thoughtfully. "You know, things are pretty quiet up here tonight whatya say we split" I asked.

"I'm with you Gav" Dene replied.

With that we made our way down the dune back towards the motel. We kept the box going but at a more sociable level. We never did see that guy again.

We spent the whole next day on the beach. The surf was good and the sun was hot. One of the cool things about hanging with Dene was I could be myself. I never worried about doing something that would be considered uncool. For example. That day I decided it would be fun to build sand castles. Pretty childish I guess. I know what Amon would have said. Dene was into it though. First we built some castles. Denes actually looked like castles. Mine looked like piles of sand. The castles were cool but only held our attention for a short while. We were thinking of something related to do when Dene made a profound statement. Dene was always making profound statements. I think he had read quite a few of those Guinness world records books or something. He was full of statistics and general knowledge. You'd be talking to him when he'd say something like "Did you know that in the Year 2000, the ratio of women to men is this country is predicted to be 3 to 1! Those are good odds!". This particular time Dene said "Did you know if you dig deep enough on a beach you'll hit water?".

"Really?" I said.

I wasn't sure but what the hell, we gave it a go.

We were quite a way back from the water's edge but we started digging. We dug a monster hole. It was easily big enough for both of us to sit comfortably in and was up to our stomachs when we stood. It was a hole of such proportions that the entire 8-12 year old demographic at the beach was standing around watching us in awe. Not long after that we struck pay dirt. Not a lot mind you, but water for sure. Dene was right. Oh well, he often was about such things. We stopped digging and figured it was about time to destroy our creation. Then we noticed the kids. Oh well. Share the wealth we always said. We donated the hole to the kids and they seemed to appreciate it. I guess that should have told us something about our activities on the beach that day.

The day was coming to a close and it had been a good one. Back to the motel. One of the advantages of staying in the motel over the campground was the facilities. For not much more money you got a self contained unit with a TV. Essential for us city slickers. One of the other less obvious bonuses was the swimming pool and spa bath. Both very useful items. Dene and I decided that we should partake in the offerings. In other words we grabbed the box and jumped into the spa. Very nice.

It must have been about 6pm. The sun didn't set until around 8 so it was still nice and bright. Dene and I were listening to some laid back tunes, lounging on either side of the spa. Suddenly Dene sat upright. "Did you see that?" he asked, his words were spoken quickly.

"Yeah" I said not bothering to open my eyes.

Dene splashed me across the spa. I sat up too.

"Girls" he said, "in the cabin next door, coming this way! Act Cool".

Dene telling me to act cool? I looked at him sideways. "I thought I always looked cool" I said. He splashed me again. "Just try to act like a normal person" he said.

"Normal, I'll give it a go" I joked.

Neither of us looked very cool. I laid back deep in the water with my head just protruding and my arms spread across the rim of the spa. Dene was sitting almost bolt upright like he was in class listening attentively to the teacher – which he never did. I grinned. We had no chance but the fun is in the chase. A couple of minutes later 3 girls walked past and looked in at us. Two of them looked about our age and the 3rd younger, perhaps a younger sister. Dene looked at me and winked. We just sat there playing it cool. The girls wandered over to the pool and sat down talking amongst themselves. It was like they were considering whether to come and talk to us or not. That was promising. After what seemed a long time the two older ones got up and headed our way. The air was still. The one who reached the spa first popped her head in the doorway and began to speak. "Mind if we join you?" she asked. Was she kidding? Did she even need to ask that question? Things were looking up. "Sure" replied Dene in a suave manor I hadn't heard from him before.

Just as things were looking promising somebody hit both of us with a cold shower. "In your dreams!" she cackled at the same time turning and walking out. What was that! I shot a glance at Dene. He looked like I felt. She wasn't going to get away with it. I jumped out of the spa and moved to the door. She heard and turned to see what I was doing. "Nah baby" I said, "In my dreams you'd be pretty with breasts!" She looked shocked. Her younger sister laughed. Next thing I know the two older ones turned and were out the gate toward the camp. They avoided us for the rest of the holiday. I smiled and jumped back in the spa.

"Why'd you do that for!" asked Dene in a shocked manor as if he didn't know.

"Sorry, weren't you just sitting here when they shammed us?" I replied.

"Yeah, but you don't have to so anti-social" he said calmly.

"What! They started it!" I exclaimed.

"Anti-Socialist" he said.

I laughed.

"I'm serious" he said in his offended tone of voice.

"Sorry Dene" I said, "I'll try to be better"

"Ok" he replied, I was quickly forgiven. "They were quite pretty though ay"

"Yeah, they were ok but theres plenty more fish in the sea – especially at the beach" I said.

He laughed.

We had a good time that summer.

* * * * *

### CHAPTER seven

The next school year we were all in Form 5. This is perceived to be the make or break year. It's the year you sit the externally moderated "School Certificate" exams. Right from the start of the year everyone seemed to be stressing over it. I wasn't too worried. What would be would be.

For the 3rd year running I had been re-streamed. Dene had managed to stay put. Amon and I went down a class. It didn't matter too much though. In Form 5 there were lots of optional classes that were common. Dene and I were doing Economics and Accounting. We both had those classes together.

Things were different though. Dene and Amon seemed to have much more in common with each other than me anymore. We still hung out during the day – most of the time. After school and on the weekends we saw less and less of each other.

I was kinda jealous but didn't say too much. It wasn't that they were excluding me. It was just that they were getting into things that for some reason I had no interest in. Amon especially was really into the party scene. It was like a dream come true when some of the teenybopper clubs would occasionally let him in. His enthusiasm for life and partying attracted Dene. I understood that but figured it wouldn't last so I'd just wait it out.

Occasionally we'd all do something. Mostly I only went on the more mundane missions with them. I remember one time we all cut school to go fishing. I forget why but for some reason fishing was the in thing at time. It was cool though. We all met at school then ditched after first period. Amons sister had this old Hilman Hunter that she'd told Amon he could borrow. I think most of the thrill was in driving around in an old Hilman – shit that's sad. Anyway, we cruised back to Amons place and changed out of our school uniforms. It must have been a spur of the moment thing to ditch because I remember I didn't have any plain clothes with me. Amon lent me some of his. I looked pretty stupid. All he had were these colourful Hawaiian like shorts that were a size to small for me and a large black woolen pull over. Dene and Amon laughed. I complained at first but then saw the funny side and was good to go. We grabbed Denes music box and jumped in the Hunter. We had a tape of Born to be Wild and played it repeatedly as we drove. We didn't actually manage to do any fishing that day. We did manage to get to a couple of beaches and have some fun. Those were good times.

More often though Amon and Dene would be on some more intense mission. Alcohol and dope were discovered. As I remember it Amon was the man who had the contacts and the will. I guess it was all so 60's it just appealed to him. He could make getting pissed or stoned sound pretty stylish and trendy – come to think of it, I guess it was. It's what teenagers do right? I didn't see anything particularly wrong with it. I just wasn't into it. Well, I guess that's not completely true. In the beginning we all tried it. Drinking just gave me a headache the next day and dope just gave me a headache straight away. I didn't actually see the enjoyment factor. I think I understand it now though. In the beginning it's only partly about getting pissed or stoned. There is actually quite a social aspect. Alcohol and drugs relax you right. It's much easier to talk and meet people when you're relaxed. Unfortunately there's other aspects to piss and drugs and it all depends on your social class. As I see it middle class and above kids drink and smoke to be cool, to fit in and to meet people. Poor kids and kids with problems drink and smoke to forget and get away from reality. Either way if you're not smart eventually you're not drinking and smoking for your original justifications. You're doing it because you're hooked. I don't think anyone can tell anyone else that they need to stop. I think you have to realise it for yourself. That's not going to happen while your romanticizing it. I remember Amon having serious discussions on the relative pros and cons of getting pissed as opposed to getting stoned. That cracked me up.

Things were sometimes like the old times. The old times. Things seemed to change so quickly now. I had trouble getting my head around it. I remember that I always looked forward to accounting. Dene and I both took accounting. We weren't too interested in it as a subject, which meant we needed to find other things to amuse ourselves with. One of those things was the bass desk. If Dene and I had created our own religion the bass desk would have been a holy relic. It was a simple desk and yet it had some kind of magical property that gave it funky bass when hit with a fist. We would sit at the back of the room and pump out beats on the bass desk. Teach wasn't too impressed. He would sometimes yell at us and make us sit apart. About half way through the year he gave up. We still had it.

Dene and I stayed good friends despite seemingly different views on life. I always figured that this was just an aberration and in the not too distant future we'd both be on the same track again. I can be arrogant like that sometimes. We'd still do things together sometimes. Just me and Dene – usually when Amon had let Dene down in some way. I remember one time I skipped school and was just hanging at home by myself. I got this phone call from Dene at about 12 o'clock.

"Hey Gav" Dene said "I wondered if you'd be home when you didn't turn up to school today, doing anything exciting?"

I was surprised to hear from Dene at this time of the day but shrugged it off for now.

"Nahh, not much, just watching some soaps, what about you, whatya you up to" I replied. He'd obviously been to school but now wasn't. I didn't think it was like Dene. He would usually make a commitment to one thing or the other then stick with it no matter what.

"Amons gone off with some mates somewhere, I was at school by myself so I thought I'd come home and see if I could catch up with you" he said.

He sounded slightly annoyed so I pushed him for the full story. Apparently some mates of Amons, actually I don't even think they were that friendly, had turned up at school. They were off to some party and Amon was into it. Dene had asked if he could go to but was given some bogus excuse by Amon why he couldn't. Basically Amon had just ditched him cold for some guys he hardly knew to go to some party where Dene for some reason wasn't welcome. Things like that hurt Dene. That's why he'd gone home. He was bummed.

"Wanna come over to my place?" I asked.

"Sure" said Dene "But I've got no way to get there".

"No worries, I'll pick you up in 20minutes" I replied.

"How?" was the concerned response.

"Don't worry about it, I'll see you soon" I said and hung up the phone.

Danny's Honda civic was parked up in the yard. It had no WOF or Registration due to having hellishly worn out brakes and dodgy lights. Not a problem, I didn't use brakes often anyway. I grabbed the key and set on my way. It was a relatively eventless trip to Denes. I passed a cop going the other way, which freaked me out. I was still on my restricted license. Other than that things were fine. I pulled into Denes driveway to see him waiting for me.

"I thought the Honda was out of commission" he said through my window.

"Nothing a bit of Sellotape and string couldn't fix" I grinned at him.

Dene jumped in and we were on our way. I pulled out of his driveway and headed up the street. Neither of us said anything. I came to the first set of lights past his house and stopped at the front next to an Alpha Romeo. I looked at the Alfa then quickly at Dene.

"Reckon I can take him?" I asked nodding towards the Alfa.

Dene cocked his head and checked it out.

"Ahh, No." he said with a funny look.

"I reckon I can" I said calmly.

Dene grinned and gripped the dash. I started revving the engine and looking over at the Alfa guy. He looked over, checked out our car, and smirked. That made me mad. He started revving his engine. It was on. The light seemed to take forever to change and I gripped the hand brake lever with malice. The light changed. I simultaneously dropped the clutch and released the handbrake. The little Honda lurched forward squealing briefly as the front tires fought with the tarmac for full traction. Moments later we were red lining and I banged the gearbox into second with a clunk. I glanced sideways but couldn't see the Alfa. I checked the rear view mirror. I couldn't see him beside me - he'd been having us on. He'd turned left at the lights. I eased off the gas and shifted smoothly into third.

"Wasted him!" I proclaimed with a grin.

"He turned off!" retorted Dene.

"Yeah, but only because he was scared!" I claimed.

There was a pause then we both burst out laughing. The rest of the drive home was pretty sedate by my standards. Dene and I chatted about nothing in particular and things were cool.

We arrived at my place about 20 minutes later. I parked the car where I'd found it and Dene and I headed up to the house. We went inside and looked at each other.

"What should we do?" Dene asked.

"Dunno" I replied, "but you want a beer?"

Dene looked surprised that I'd asked him but said "Yeah, thanks!"

I went to the fridge and tossed him a tinny. He cracked it open and began to drink.

"You not having one?" he asked.

"Nah, I might have to drive you home later" I said "and I should probably not add drink driving to driving with a restricted license and driving a car without a rego or WOF" I joked.

Dene choked on his beer and agreed with a snort. That was the only beer Dene wanted. We spent the rest of the afternoon mucking about. I think we watched half a rugby game on sky sports and the rest of the time we split between playing on the computer, hassling the cat and just acting like kids. We both had a good time.

Times like that became rarer.

The end of the school year approached quickly. Looking back everything is murky. The school certificate exams quickly became foremost in our minds. As little as I cared about school I didn't want to have to repeat the 5th form. Dene and I actually spent a fair amount of time studying together which helped us both. We hadn't exactly been model students throughout the year. We'd done enough to get by though. We just needed to concentrate on this last task at hand.

The pressure at school began to tell. People were starting to look for outlets. I remember arriving to economics one day slightly late. Teach was late too and the class was mulling around outside our room. Amon and Dene had already arrived and were talking to the cash club. The cash club were a bunch of rich kids that hung together. A couple of them were actually ok and we used to get on. There was this one kid though – Duncan. He used to get on my nerves. He was quite a big guy. Tall and solid. He had wavy blonde hair and the rich boy attitude to go with it. He seemed to enjoy making fun out of other people. I think he enjoyed more that he was bigger than most everyone else. I couldn't understand this guy. He had everything he could want yet he still felt he had to make others feel bad. I guess money doesn't buy happiness. I just wish I had the opportunity to find that out first hand. As I got closer I realised that Amon and Dene weren't talking to the cash club, the cash club was talking to them. More specifically Duncan was hassling Dene. I arrived just in time to hear Duncan saying, "Hey Dene, what's with your hair anyway?! Don't you realise it looks really stupid!? Why don't you shave it off!". He and his mates laughed. Amon and Dene just stood there silently with nowhere to go. I looked at Dene and could tell by his expression this was not friendly mucking about. I got really angry. I sometimes used to get like that.

I pulled up next to Dene and dropped my bag.

"Hey Duncan" I said as calmly as I could even though I could feel myself trembling with rage.

"What's with you anyway! Don't you realise you look stupid! Why don't you do as all a favor and commit suicide!"

There was a stunned silence. Duncan stood looking at me with his mouth open. He really did look stupid. I wasn't exactly sure what kind of reaction to expect. I was hoping for the worst. It wasn't often that an insult like that would go without some sort of come back. The cash club was standing around Duncan with an air of non-commitence. I think he knew it.

"Hey Gav, I was just joking around is all." Duncan finally got out.

"Yeah?" I said thinking to myself that he wasn't going to defuse it that easily. "You know sometimes I like to joke around by smacking rich boys in the head. Wanna Play?"

I was serious and he knew it. It might have been my well-known rep for ignoring odds. Maybe it was my rep of being crazy. I think it was probably the look on my face. Whatever it was none of those guys wanted a part of me that day. Duncan apologised to both me and Dene and of course Dene accepted it graciously. I still wanted to hurt somebody but it wasn't my style to attack once somebody had admitted they'd been in the wrong and didn't want to continue with it. I never threw the first punch either.

About 5 minutes later Teach turned up. We all went inside and learnt some economics. At least that was the theory. I was still too angry to listen to anyone.

The year was all but over. We sat our school certificate exams and all passed with differing degrees of success. Amon and Dene talked about going to another school for the 6th form. One that was well known for its slackness. It was a co-ed school with no uniform. They were so laid back I don't even think they had a first 15 rugby team. They asked me to go as well but I said I wasn't really into it. I also didn't figure they would actually go through with it.

I don't think I saw Dene that summer. We mostly did our own thing. I spoke to him on the phone a few times but we never actually managed to hook up.

The next school year seemed to take a long time to arrive. Eventually though it did and another first day of school was upon me. To my surprise on the first day of term there was no Amon or Dene. I gave Dene a ring that night and sure enough they had enrolled in the new school. He was really excited about it so I was happy for him. I hadn't actually thought about how that was going to affect me. I didn't think it would.

* * * * *

### CHAPTER eight

The new school term started oddly. Things didn't quite seem right without Dene and Amon. It was as if I had arrived here for the first time and knew the score, but was not known. The usual hangouts felt strange. I felt detached. I thought maybe I had walked into a twilight zone episode. It began to dawn on me just how much we had hung out together at school. Between classes, at breaks, things were different. There were a group of other guys that used to hang with us. Out of habit we still did for the first couple of weeks. It soon became clear how little we knew about each other. It seemed that everyone was a good friend of Denes. Without Dene we didn't really have anything in common. Attendance at the school yard hang outs dropped off sharply. We'd still talk at classes, or if we passed in the hall but everyone had something else to do the rest of the time. Except me.

I started to realise how alone I was now. Dene was such a good friend I guess I hadn't really bothered in making too many others. Don't get me wrong. I knew lots of people. I'd call a lot of them friends. It wasn't the same though. We wouldn't hang the same way Dene and I would. I'd never really thought about it until then. I wasn't really one to dwell on things like that though. I decided to hunt out some of my old buddies from the early days. Sure we talked to each other when we passed in the hallways, but we hadn't hung together for a long time. I thought it would be cool to hang with them again. I underestimated how much things had changed. All my old friends had new friends. I was the outsider now. It felt uncomfortable. I was welcome but it seemed maybe only on my past glory or current rep. Thinking back I'm sure it wasn't like that. It was just different. How could I expect things to be the same? We'd all grown in our own ways. Things could never be the same.

I remember playing what I thought was a friendly game of league one lunch time. One of the guys playing was a buddy I'd known since before secondary school. There were probably around 15 of us. Mostly these guys were his friends. I knew them, but only through him. The game wasn't too serious. We weren't running full on or tackling hard. It was more of a social thing and was fun. There was this one kid though. He had it in for me for some reason. I dunno why. I couldn't remember ever saying more than two words to the guy. I mean I'd seen him around but that was it. Every time he got the ball he'd sprint full on straight at me. That suited me. I just dropped my shoulder, picked him up and placed him gently on his back every time. He never once tried to step me. I thought it was strange but I wasn't going to let him run through me. I never really thought too much of it at the time. The next day I ran into my mate after first period.

"Hey Bro!", I said "You guys playing league on the top field at lunch time today?" I asked.

"Umm Yeah, yeah man" he said.

"Cool, I'll cruise up and have a run ay" I said.

"Yeah, ok – one thing though man" he said "Some of the guys don't like you playing, but It'll be ok though, you just have to lighten up a bit"

"What?" I asked "I don't get you".

"They reckon your too serious, you know, play too hard" he said looking me straight in the face.

That's how I knew this guy was really my friend. He would tell me what was on his mind straight up. I knew he would always be honest with me – just like Dene was.

"What'dya mean?" I asked

"You know man – you dump John on his arse every time he runs at you!" he said.

"What!" I exclaimed. "You call that serious!? Man, if I was really serious I'd be driving my shoulder into him and drilling him into the ground! He's so soft he wouldn't get the chance to run at me more than once! Besides, if he didn't run full on into me every time I wouldn't do it!" I said.

"Yeah I know man, but he's ok. Your welcome, but ya think you could ease up a bit" he asked.

I paused.

"Yeah man, no worries – See you up there ay?" I replied.

"Sweet Dude" he smiled. "Catchya later!"

I watched him walk away. I didn't bother turning up to the game. I was a bit upset but I knew where he was coming from. They were his friends. I had to play by their rules if I wanted to hang with them. Right there was one of my main problems. I wasn't much of a sheep. I liked doing my own thing. That's fine when you evolve with a group of friends. They get to know you and respect who you are. You can't just walk into another group and expect to do your own thing. You either compromise or walk. I usually walked. I was also an anti-socialist.

The rest of that term I wasn't up too much. I was doing pretty badly in most of my classes. I put that down to my attitude. I kept up with my wrestling. I enjoyed it but had become pretty average. I cared, but not enough to do anything about it. That was fairly typical of my attitude to everything. I kept in touch with Dene. He and Amon were having a blast. That was cool. It looked like everyone had moved on. Except me. Somehow I had missed a level. I must have been sick that day.

I mucked around at school all that term. About three quarters through I decided it was time for a change. I wasn't too sure what I wanted to do. All I knew was that school wasn't it. I was mindful of the decision I was about to make. I fully realised that a mistake here really could screw up my life. As I saw it I had two options. I could find a job or try to get into a tech course. I skimmed through the papers for a couple of weeks and checked out the job center. There was nothing for a young guy with school cert and nothing else. Well nothing with a future anyway.

I was quite keen on a tech course. I had seen one advertised in the paper. It was for a technicians certificate in electronics. It was a year's study and although I was sick of school this was different. I had been given the impression that at tech it was up to you. The teachers were there to teach. They could care less if your shirt was tucked in or you hadn't shaved. It appealed. I could see myself fixing TVs, stereos and computers. That would be cool. There was only one problem. Because I only had school cert I needed to sit an Entrance exam.

I was pretty nervous about sitting the test. Details on what was going to be tested were sketchy. I didn't bother trying to study. What would be would be. I rolled up to AIT on the appointed day. It took me about 30 minutes of wandering around to eventually find where I was supposed to be. I had ended up in the engineering department and had been directed to an electronics lab. I took a seat with around 20 other nervous looking faces. I glanced around the room noting the abundance of equipment. Computers, Oscilloscopes, Meters. A lecturer appeared at the front of the class and began to talk. He explained that this was one of the labs the course would spend a lot of time working in. Use of the equipment was monitored but essentially available whenever there wasn't a class. I was impressed.

The one time I had gone into the computer room at school was a joke. I had decided to check it out one lunch time. I walked in and stood over the shoulder of someone using a computer. I was just checking out the setup. Before I knew what was happening I heard shouting. I looked around to see what was going on and realised it was being directed towards me. It was the computing teacher. I apparently wasn't following procedure. Who was I? Why hadn't I checked in with him? What did I think I was doing? I didn't think I was doing anything. I just turned around and walked out. He called for me to come back. I ignored him. He didn't bother following.

The lecturer finishing by saying, "Turn over your papers and good luck". I flipped over the paper and began the test. I was determined to give it my best shot. I liked the look of this place.

It only took a couple of days to get the results of the test back. I had been accepted. I was pretty happy. I had been going to school during all of this just to cover myself in case things went badly wrong. I was now faced with the task of finishing up. This presented a fairly unique opportunity to me. I could tell people what I thought without worrying about the consequences. That appealed to me. I didn't though. I was ok with how my secondary school career had gone. It took me a couple of days to get things squared off at school. I returned my text books and got my reference. The only teacher I said goodbye to was my wrestling teacher. He was cool. The rest of them couldn't careless anyway, and that was fine by me. On my last day I didn't go to any classes. I went to the main office and got timetables for some of my old mates instead. By lunchtime I had caught up with everyone I wanted to and had said goodbye. I felt quite strange that day. I guess I had some reservations about leaving. I was in a secure environment I knew. I was about to leave it and take on something new and unknown. There was nothing for me to stay here for any more though. I guess it's a step everyone takes eventually.

I stood at the edge of the school and looked back. I could see one of the old hang outs from where I was. It was empty. I turned and walked away. No regrets.

I started tech the next week. The first couple of days were just about getting to know the place. I had to enroll and organise my student allowance. Student allowance. Somebody was going to pay me to learn. Cool. I was entering the real world now, or so I thought at the time. Things happened quite quickly and it was confusing at first. Go here, do this, get the other form. Soon I had the system figured and it was a breeze. Classes started and it was time to find out what this was really all about. In the first lesson our timetable was given out. I couldn't believe it. Classes were two hours each. I was bummed at first, but soon got over it. The cool thing was that on Friday I had the entire afternoon off. To complement that I didn't start on Monday until 12pm. The rest of the week was dotted with two hour breaks. Nice.

The course was quite tough at first. Maybe it was because of the subject matter. It was pretty different to anything I'd studied at school. I was actually interested in this stuff though so I didn't mind working and actually made an effort. The students doing the course were a wide cross section of life. I was probably the youngest with the oldest being maybe 45 and married. He was a cool though. He was a builder that decided to retrain. He also played in a Jazz band. Everyone in the class pretty much got on. There was none of the bullshit of secondary school. This was real. I liked that. The whole thing was pretty laid back compared to what I was used to. I mellowed out quite a bit.

As time went on I got into the life style. Cruise up to tech, hang with the boys, catch a class, a movie, then maybe study a bit. I could think of worse things to be doing. The things we were learning were really interesting to me. The good thing about it was that it was practical. In one class we'd learn the theory of something. The next class would be in the lab building something to prove the theory we just learnt. It gave a reason to learning. The course seemed to get easier or maybe I just got smarter. I was having fun. I kept in touch with Dene. He thought what I was doing was pretty cool. He was fully into his world. He'd made loads of new friends and was having a great time. We hooked up occasionally and had some times. Just me and him. Mostly we went on missions in the city. It was easy for both of us as during the day because we were both close to the city.

I remember telling Dene that Tech was just like old times except with wheels. I guess that's because that's what I wanted it to be.

* * * * *

### CHAPTER nine

Six months at tech came and went. The course I was doing was broken up into 6 month blocks. Stage one and two in the first block and stage three in the second. At the end of the first six months we had exams to sit for all of the subjects we had studied. I was confident about most but was having trouble with one of the more mathematical topics. I was doing ok, but as the saying goes 50 percent in an exam may be a pass but it means you only know half of what you should – and that can hurt you in the real world. I took that kind of thing to heart. Math's was not my strong suit. I remember starting secondary school a math's whiz. I left it a math's dunce. I never could figure that one out.

Soon enough the exams where over. Things worked out. I passed everything, which was a relief. The year was coming to an end. Tech finished up before the secondary schools and universities. Yet another advantage for me. Dene seemed to be tiring of school life and talked about going to Tech the next year. That may have been partly to do with my glowing report of tech life. It was probably more to do with Denes ever present direction in life. He always seemed to know where he wanted to go and how to get there. Amon hadn't changed. I hadn't seen much of him over the last year but had heard he was still living the dream. That was cool. There was still plenty of life left for all of us.

Dene turned 17 at the end of that year. He had the bad luck to have his birthday a couple of days after Christmas day. He was used to it though and didn't seem to mind so much anymore. By the new year he had decided that he wasn't going back to school. He would go to tech instead. He wanted to do some kind of geology course. He always did seem keen on strange rocks. Apparently he had a cousin that worked in the geology business. He worked for some big company that did surveying or something. It sounded pretty cool.

Dene was pretty excited about the whole thing. He of course got accepted straight into the course without sitting an Entrance exam. Things changed again about then. Dene and I started to hang together more. We would be going to different techs, but maybe it was the common ground that was bringing us back together. Maybe it was just that we were the kind of friends that would always be friends. In any case it was good.

The summer holiday seemed shorter than ever. All of a sudden Dene was at tech and I was working part time. I was going back to tech. It was just that there was some kind of blunder that meant my course didn't start until the second half of the year. I didn't mind. It gave me a chance to get some work experience. I worked mornings fixing computers. In the afternoons I did courier work where my parents worked. Dene really enjoyed his course. He did try to explain to me exactly what it was all about. I just nodded my head and smiled most of the time. It was beyond me. It sounded interesting enough. I just didn't understand much of the technical stuff. He didn't mind though. Actually I suspect he did the same thing when I blabbed on about what I was doing. Thing was neither of us minded. We liked hearing about what each other was doing.

A cool thing about Denes course was the field trips he got to go on. He was always coming back with strange rocks. They all seemed to have a story. Personally I just liked throwing them at things. Dene usually wasn't too impressed about that. He'd frown then pick them up and put them away where I couldn't get at them. It was all good fun though.

We hung out like the old days. Funny thing was, the old days didn't seem that old. We had a couple of routines that we got into. My favorite was probably movie night. Every few weeks there was a movie night. Usually I'd cruise to his place in my mark III Cortina. That always ensured there would a car story to go with the movie. We both liked car stories. The best one I had was when I turned up three hours late one night. When I eventually got to Denes place I was pretty psyched. I bounced out of the car and up to his door. I knocked continuously until he answered.

"Man! You'll never guess what just happened!" I blurted when Dene answered, not giving him a chance to say anything.

"Ahhhh, you got a flat tire" he said evenly.

"Syeah Right!" I said as I walked past him and into his room.

"Man!" I said as I slumped into an arm chair, "There's some messed up people in the world"

Dene flopped into the adjacent chair.

"Come on then, tell the story" he said.

"Well, I was driving up the great south road, right. Its 5:30 and its packed in both directions. I'm sitting in the lane closest to the middle of the road minding my own business" I said.

"Anyway, the traffic starts to move right. We get up to about 50 and this car size gap opens in front of me. Next thing this motorbike zooms up inside me into the gap. That's cool. About two seconds later though this big arse holden commodore decides to take the gap. The bike dude swerves to the right and beeps his horn. Commodore keeps on coming." I said.

"Guess what happened next" I said.

"The bike guy kicked the car" Dene said, "So what?"

"'What' is that ain't the end of the story" I grinned.

"So the bike dude swerves and kicks the car right. I see the commodore guy turn and give the bike guy the finger. Bike dudes pissed. He's still sitting outside the commodore and puts the boot in again. I'm thinking this is about to get ugly and drop off a bit. I'm right. Commodore guy is sick of getting his paint scratched. He looks at the bike guy then does this hell swerve straight into the bike. The guy on the bike is pretty shocked. Both his legs slip off his pegs and stick out the side of his bike. He does manage to keep going, albeit a bit shakily. Anyway, just as he'd getting the bike back under control, the commodore guy realises it and hits him again!" I exclaimed.

"Wicked!" said Dene.

"True man!" I replied. "This time the bike goes down. Dude goes airborne and bits of bike fly everywhere as it hits the ground and breaks up. I drive the car across onto the footpath, stop and run back to see whats up."

"Was he ok?" Dene asked.

"Sorta. He just laid there for a little bit. I was yelling at him saying 'Hey Man! Can you hear me!'. Then he just popped up and started staggering about! He seemed a bit whacked out but generally ok. Anyway next minute the commodore dude turns up and it's on!" I said.

"What!?" said Dene

"Yeah man! The dude had come back to sort him out for messing up his commodore!" I laughed.

"What did ya do?" said Dene.

"Well I just stood there for a little bit. They were both yelling at each other. The bike guys going 'you hit me', the commodore guys going 'you kicked my car'. They just kept repeating variations of that. I tell ya, it was actually quite funny." I said.

Dene laughed.

"Then the pushing started. That's when I jumped and tried to calm things down. I told the commodore guy that running this guy over was probably punishment enough for kicking his car. I don't think he was convinced but it made him take a look at what he was doing. He looked around and must of realised he was standing in the middle of 4 lanes of traffic about to beat on some guy he just ran over. So he just turns around, jumps in his car and drives off!" I laughed.

"Drives off!! Classic!" said Dene.

"Yeah" I said. "So there I am standing in the middle of the road with a wrecked bike scattered around me and this dazed bike guy. I was wondering what to do next but was saved by the cops." I said.

"That would be a first" chuckled Dene.

"Yeah" I said indignantly "Anyway, so the cop turns up takes some statements and that's that. I ended up dropping the dude home cause his bike was trashed."

"What a nice guy." Dene said sarcastically. He was just playing with me, I knew full well he would have done exactly the same.

"I guess so." I said, "You know how I said I thought the guy was whacked out from the crash? Well the funny part was when I dropped him home I met his girlfriend. She was just as whacked out as he was! When he told her what had happened she just goes 'not again!' "

We both burst out laughing.

"Man, your right, there are some messed up people in this world" Dene agreed.

"Yeah, it's their world, we just live in it" I said getting up.

I walked to the veranda to check out the lights. Denes place was cool. It was actually his Dads place but that's just a technicality. It sat on the edge of a drop overlooking the southern motorway. Denes room looked out over the motorway approach to the harbor bridge. That approach was the basis of many a car story. On the other side of the road was the harbor. He had an awesome view from his room.

Dene joined me with a video in his hand. "Up for this?" He asked. "You know it" I grinned.

We went back inside and spent the rest of the night watching videos.

I liked movie night. We'd watch some vids. Eat some munchies. Spin some yarns. Good times.

* * * * *

### CHAPTER ten

Life was good. Tech was starting in a week or two. I was enjoying what I was doing. I didn't have any cares in the world.

It was a Wednesday afternoon. I was doing a delivery for my parents work. It was a drop off at a graphic design company in Grafton. It was a beautiful day. Blue sky and clear. The sun was shining and it was warm for the time of the year. People on the streets seemed happy and cheerful. That's quite odd for Auckland. Thinking back it might just have been me. It seems obvious to me now that how you feel affects how you see the world. In any case all was well.

I dropped off the package; my next mission was to pick up the mail. The quickest way to do that was to zoom past Auckland hospital and down Grafton road. So I did.

As I was driving past Auckland hospital I noticed Denes mum driving the other way. She was easy to spot. She drove a distinctive little mini with a personalised number plate. I beeped my horn, leaned out the window and waved. She didn't notice me. She actually looked kinda stressed. I put that down to the heavy traffic. Seeing her reminded me that I hadn't talked to Dene for a week or so. I made a mental note to ring him that night. I thought I'd hassle him about his mum not seeing me. Once before I'd passed her on a busy street in Newmarket. I'd said hello there too but she hadn't noticed me. I didn't take it personally. I'd hassled Dene about that one too. He in turn hassled his mum. She was very apologetic about it. Apparently it had been a very hectic day. That was cool.

Anyway, I continued on my way thinking nothing more of it. That night, not surprisingly, I forgot to ring Dene. That was ok, he'd understand.

The next day was much like the last. I fixed some computers in the morning then went on my mission in the afternoon. The weather was much like the previous day. We were having a good run. There wasn't too much to deliver that day. I finished my run at probably 2 o'clock.

I pulled back in my parents work. Locked the car up and strolled inside. I walked around the counter and back into the office. Mum and Dad were standing there. They looked upset. Not angry. Upset.

I wasn't sure what was going on so I said "What's Up?".

"We've got some bad news for you Gav." Said Dad.

"We've just been talking to Denes mum. Denes in hospital." He said.

"What?" I exclaimed. "What's wrong with him?" I asked.

"He's got cancer" Dad said softly.

"Dene..... Dene Vazey" I asked unbelievingly. I kept asking that question over and over. I couldn't believe it.

I stood there stunned while Dad gave me the details. It sounded serious. I didn't want to believe it.

Finally I interrupted and asked "They can fix it right?"

"The doctors are doing their best" Dad said, "But they don't think so. They told his parents that he's got anywhere from two days to two months. You'd better get up to see him."

I couldn't believe it. I wouldn't believe it. Hardly a week ago we were hanging together. He seemed fine. He was up for anything. I figured there must have been some kind of mistake.

I jumped into the car. I just kept thinking there must have been some kind of mix-up. I thought that the whole way to the hospital. As I walked into the ward I saw Dene lying there and realised there had been no mistake.

I stood in the doorway for a couple of moments. It was a ward that held two patients. Dene was closest to the wall and next to the window. He was lying in bed. Amon was sitting next to him. On the other side was Amon's girlfriend Piea. They were playing cards. Dene looked up and saw me.

"Its Gav!" he exclaimed. "Hey Gav, come on over" he called.

I did. "Hey man" I said noticing all the electronics and tubes connected to him.

"Hi Gav" said Amon, "We're playing cards wanna play" he asked.

"No thanks" I replied. "Comon Man" said Amon, "Why not".

"Because I don't like to lose" I said looking at Dene.

They continued playing. I stood not saying a word. I just looked on trying to comprehend what was going on. The hand finished quickly. Piea asked Amon to go with her to the café. I think she knew I wanted to be alone with Dene. I appreciated it.

There was silence until they disappeared from the ward. Then Dene looked at me and said, "I've got cancer man". He was about to continue with the full story when I interrupted him. "I know Dude. I know the whole story." It's not that I didn't want to hear it from him. It was just that I'm sure he didn't enjoy going over it.

"This isn't the end man" I said probably in a more serious tone than I had ever used with Dene.

"It's just the beginning. You've got to fight this." I said.

"This medical bullshit, it's all good and that but it's you that's got the real weapon". Dene nodded

"I really believe in the power of the mind man. I reckon you can beat this. There've been plenty of cases of people that have." I said.

"Yeah, I know" said Dene. "I don't intend to just lay here and let it happen." He smiled. "I know I can beat it and I will". He said it with feeling.

"Sweet dude." I said, "That's the kind of attitude you need. Hey, you know if you need anything..." I said.

"I know man", he replied "Thanks".

We spent the next few minutes just shooting the breeze. Nothing in particular. Just hanging.

Amon and Piea walked back in. I stayed there for an hour and a half or so. People were coming and going. We just hung and joked about. Played like we weren't in a hospital at all. Thing was we were. That was brought home when it was time for Denes chemo.

"Well Dude, hang tough and I'll check you tomorrow", I said.

"Cool", said Dene. He was looking pretty tired by that stage.

I still couldn't believe how quickly this had come on. I cruised home and just veged out. I just sat on the couch steering at the TV. Not watching. Not thinking. Just steering. I got a phone call at about 8 o'clock.

It was my buddy Bryan from school.

"You heard about Dene?" He asked.

Bryan had also known Dene for years. He went to intermediate school with me. He was also there before me when Dene was there.

"Yeah, I went to see him today." I said

"Are you going tomorrow?" he asked.

"Yep, why you want a lift?" I asked.

"Yeah that would be cool" he replied.

The rest of the phone call was spent organising the time and place. I went to bed after that. I didn't get much sleep.

The next day I did my thing as usual. I was running on automatic pilot though. Not really thinking much about what I was doing. I quit working at about eleven thirty. I was meeting Bryan at quarter past twelve. That was the school lunch break. The school was quite close to the hospital so it was no big thing.

I pulled up to the school and noticed one of our old hangout spots. It was populated once again but with faces I didn't recognise. Just past that I saw Bryan standing waiting. I pulled to the curb and picked him up.

"Hey Gav, You mind if we pick up Rachel and Amy" he asked.

He had conveniently forgotten to ask me about that last night. Maybe he'd thought about it later. I didn't really care though. I had other things to think about.

"Sure, no problem". I said.

They went to school just down the road. It was a 5 minute drive if that. Sure enough as we pulled closer they were waiting. Rachel and Amy had gone to intermediate school with us. We'd seen each other occasionally over the years but never really kept in touch. That was a shame I thought. On the other hand things change. That concept was really starting to be driven home.

They jumped in and we said our greetings. Bryan talked to everyone most of the way. I stayed pretty quiet. I was in no mood for socialising.

We arrived at the hospital and headed towards Denes ward. Dene was pretty happy to see everyone. He saw Bryan at school every now and then. I don't know how long it was since he'd seen Rachel or Amy. It seemed quite awkward. I don't think they had realised the scale of the problem. They were being careful not to say anything to upset Dene. It made the conversation forced. I left them to it. Denes mum was there and I talked to her. We didn't stay very long. It was lunch time and the nurse arrived with Denes lunch.

They all said goodbye to Dene. I told him I'd be back later. He nodded. I don't think they visited again.

We jumped in the car and I started it up. Just as I was pulling up to the gate Amy spoke.

"Gavin, do you mind if I smoke in your car?" she asked.

I paused.

"Go ahead." I said. I paused again. "It's funny isn't it" I said matter of factually.

"What's that?" Amy asked.

"We've just got finished visiting a good friend of ours who's lying in a hospital bed dying of cancer. Now you feel like you want to have a smoke which we all know is a common cause. I guess I'll be visiting you next." I said coldly.

I regretted saying that almost the instant I had said it. I was taking out my anger on Amy when she had done nothing to deserve it. I knew full well that smoking wasn't the cause of Denes cancer. I also knew that if Amy smoked then it would have become a mechanism for coping with stress. She probably only wanted one because she was upset. That didn't change the fact that smoking was stupid. However I still shouldn't have said it.

Amy didn't light up. The ride back was silent.

* * * * *

### CHAPTER eleven

The following months are blurry to me. Things seemed to happen so fast. My memories seem very segmented. Maybe I just don't want to remember everything. Some things I can remember but just can't put into words, nor would I want to.

Dene spent the first couple of weeks in hospital. I had ignored the estimate of two days. What do doctors know? I went up every day. A lot of the time he didn't look that bad. He'd had a haircut. That was quite a land mark. He had long hair. He hadn't had it cut short for years. He needed to do it now though. The chemo was staring to make it fall out.

The chemo really took a lot out of him. It also made him really sick. His mum and dad stuck right there with him though. It was really tough on them seeing him so sick. I was glad I had my family. My parents and my brother Danny and sister Susannah. Me and Danny would quite often go kick the league ball around after work. We kept doing that while Dene was sick. I enjoyed that.

Like I say, Dene was in hospital for a couple of weeks. I went up there one Friday and he told me he was going home. He was really happy about that. So was I. We both figured that it meant he was getting better. We laughed and joked. It was a happy occasion. To make things even better, Denes Dad had got him a new car. A flash Honda Prelude. We planned some missions we could go on. Things were looking up.

Later that day I went into my parents work to tell them the good news.

"Denes going home!" I smiled.

"That's good." Replied Dad in a rather subdued manner.

"What?" I asked. I knew he was thinking something else. "He must be getting better if they're letting him go home." I said.

"I know you want him to get better" Dad said. "But you have to be realistic. It may be that there's nothing more that can be done. It could be that they just think he'll be more comfortable at home."

"Yeah whatever!" I said angrily and walked away.

I didn't believe it. Or didn't want to believe it. As far as I was concerned he was getting better. There was nothing more to it.

I still went to see Dene every day. Sometimes just for 5 minutes. I just stopped in to say hello and see if I could do anything. Dene knew a lot of people. Whenever I went around there was a bunch of people with him. I didn't know most of them. Some were family. Some were friends. Sometimes I'd get angry when I stopped in. People were always talking to Dene like it was over. I mean they didn't come out and say things like "Well Dude, you're gonna die", but their actions and how they spoke said it all. I couldn't understand why they did it. It all seemed to be about them. It was as if they needed to resolve their own issues they had with what was happening to Dene. So what. They got to feel a little better. What about Dene? How did they think he felt? Everyone pulling out their cameras to capture an image of him before he was gone. It sucked.

I was even there when one brain surgeon asked him what it felt like to have cancer. I was going to say something but I didn't have too. Dene sorted him out. I would have laughed. There was nothing funny though. Dene did have cancer.

He hadn't given up though. No one that really knew him had either. Dene was still full of life. He still wanted to live it.

Dene was proud of his new car. When he first got the keys he took me for a spin. I think he was trying to freak me out cause he was gunning it. It didn't work though. He'd do the hellish kick down and over take maneuver then glance sideways to check me out. I just smiled and gave him the thumbs up. I wasn't worried. I knew he wouldn't do anything to put us in real danger. Well anything more than usual anyway.

We hung out as much as he could. I remember going to the movies. It was me, Dene, Amon, Piea and Brendon. Brendon was another good friend of Denes. I think they met through Amon. I had met him before but didn't know him that well. Anyway, we all piled into Denes Honda and proceeded on our mission. It struck me as strange. Everyone seemed to be treating this as a regular mission. We jumped out of the car and the others started running about and joking around. I stuck next to Dene. He was in no state to be running about. In fact I reckon he was in plenty of pain. Not that he'd say. He wanted to go out with us. We didn't argue. He was pale as anything and needed a stick to walk. That was cool. I stood tall and walked right beside him.

Someone, I don't remember who, decided it would be a good idea to play some spacies. I disagreed but Dene wanted to please. Someone suggested an arcade that was down quite a large flight of stairs. Nice one. Dene said it was cool though so that was it. We headed down. As we pulled up to the coin counter Amon pulled me aside.

"Hey Gav" Amon said, "You don't have to hang so close to Dene. He probably wants us to just act normally."

"Yeah, ok" I said. Only because Amon had thought that was what Dene wanted. He could be right. I decided to test the theory. Dene sat down at a game and started to play. I moved to a game one row across and sat down. From where I was I could see Dene. I slotted a coin and started to play. A couple of minutes past. Dene got up then came and sat down next to me. I stuck next to him after that.

We didn't stay at the arcade very long. Dene was looking pretty tired and we still had a movie to see. We collected the boys and left. Only one problem. The stairs. Man. I felt so bad. Dene was really struggling. We tried to help but just got in the way. In the end Dene just took a deep breath and went for it. It was painful to be there and be so helpless. As we approached the top of the stairs a bunch of street kids starting coming down. They instantly noticed Dene. They started staring. I had mellowed out a lot from school but some things still got to me. I stood tall next to Dene and returned their steers with an angry scowl. I just wanted one excuse. With the frustration of seeing Dene how he was. I would have been quite happy to start beating on somebody. The kid's stare moved briefly across to me. I guess I looked pretty angry. They only looked at me for a split second. Their views quickly adjusted to looking at the ground. They walked on past. I don't think Dene had noticed them staring. He had been concentrating on the stairs. I was glad of that.

We went to the movie. Dene had to be in a lot of pain. He didn't say anything.

The more time passed the worse Dene got. It was hard to see him like that. I tried not to show it though. I was still positive. So was he.

One night I got a phone call. It was Dene. I was surprised that he had rung me.

"Hey Gav, Whatya doing" he asked.

"Not much," I replied, "Just watching Star Trek".

"Yeah me too" he paused.

"You know, I wished I lived in the 24th Century in the star trek world. They'd be able to fix me up in a second." He said.

"Yeah man, I know what you're saying. I wish you lived then too." I replied.

"I know" he said.

We spent the rest of the call talking about nothing in particular. It was like our phone conversations of old. This one felt different though. This one felt like it would be the last. That upset me. I didn't let it show on the phone though.

They were tough times. I felt like I wanted to say goodbye before it was too late. I wouldn't though. Not yet. There was still hope. However bad I was feeling Dene was feeling worse. There were enough people dumping that kind of shit on him already. He needed people to be strong for him. I was trying my best. He was still dying.

* * * * *

### CHAPTER Twelve

It was getting harder and harder to visit Dene. Partly because it was incredibly draining to see him how he was. As hard as that was though it would never stop me. Mainly it was tough because he was having more bad times than good. I tried to be around when he was having good times and wanted to see me.

I had started tech again. I wasn't too interested. My attitude towards it was pretty slack. I don't remember telling anyone about it. They left me alone all the same. That suited me.

Denes Mum rang me up one night. Dene had asked if I wanted to come and watch the league test with him. I sure did. I was just getting into the shower when she rang. I had the quickest shower in Gav history. I borrowed the Chev and hooned on over. Having gone over in the Chev I had a car story to tell. We both liked car stories. I didn't watch too much of the game. Dene slept most of the time. It was cool just to be there though. We'd talk when he was awake.

The next day Dene wasn't very well. He'd begun sleeping during the day which meant being awake at night. It was not the best for him. There was nothing that could be done.

A couple of nights later I got another phone call from Dene.

"Gav, Its Dene man", he said.

"Hey Dude, what's up?" I asked. I had so far avoided saying things like "How are you". It's amazing how often you do actually say stuff like that. It was a mental effort to not say it.

"Can I come over?" he was direct and to the point.

"Sure man" I replied, "but are you sure your ok to drive?" I asked. It was about eight o'clock at night.

"Of course!" he snapped.

I left it. If he wanted to drive I guess who was I to try to stop him.

"Sorry man" I said, "Sure come on over".

"Ok, I'm leaving now" he said.

I didn't know what was going on. In the back of my mind was the hope that he had suddenly got better. Those were the kind of dreams I'd been having. Ones where Dene suddenly was just OK again. I doubted it but nevertheless still hoped it.

Five minutes later the phone rang again. It was Denes mum. Apparently he was not very well. She had tried to stop him going but he was insistent. She had rung to ask if when he was ready to come home we could try to talk him into getting a lift. I was worried.

About fifteen minutes later Dene arrived. I met him on the driveway. He jumped out of his car and greeted me.

"Hi Gav" he said, "I've brought you a bottle of coke".

"Thanks, man" I replied, "but you didn't have to..."

"That's cool" he said, "Your always bringing stuff over and I don't drink coke anyway" he smiled.

It was obviously a blatant excuse to come over. He didn't need one though.

"Come on up" I said.

Dene nodded and shut his door. He walked uneasily on the ground. I waited until he was beside me then we both walked to the house. Everyone was home. Mum, Dad and Danny. Dene said hello to everyone and even managed some small talk. It was just so like him. Even after everything that had been happening to him. He was still the same old Dene.

"What to play some test drive 2?" I interrupted, seeing the pain on his face.

"Sure!" Dene replied, seeming to perk up a bit.

He followed me through to my room. We didn't say much. I just fired up the computer and handed him the joystick. He started to play. About half way through the first track he just stopped and looked at me.

"I don't want to die Gav" he said.

I was stunned. He had been so positive until now.

"I don't want you to die either" I replied quickly.

He looked at me crooked.

"Why did this have to happen to me?" he asked. "I'm only 17 and a half! I'm a good person aren't I?"

"Yeah man" I said "I dunno why this shit happened, but it sucks alright" was the best I could get out.

"You know the worst part" he said, "it's that I haven't made a mark. When I'm gone there's not going to be anything to remember me by. I'll just be gone".

"Man, that's a load of shit" I said angrily. "First of all, I still don't believe you're going anywhere, except maybe on that trip we used to talk about, once you're better that is."

He smiled.

"Second of all" my tone was softer now "If you were to go, you've left your mark. You're left it with everyone you've ever met." I said.

"Take me for example! Imagine what I'd be like if I hadn't had you to instruct me on social conduct" I grinned.

He laughed. I knew it wasn't what he meant. He seemed to appreciate the sentiment in any case.

"Yeah I guess so" he said.

We spent the next half hour or so just bumming around and talking. Dene was pretty tired by the end of it. I offered to drive him home and he accepted without argument. As we jumped in his car I got the feeling that this was the last time he'd be coming over to hang out. I didn't want to think it but I did. I'm sure Dene was thinking the same thing. The drive home was quiet. We didn't speak much. Dene kept falling asleep.

We got to his place and I made sure he made it inside. As I left the house Mum and Dad pulled in. They gave me a lift home.

The next day I found out what was behind the visit. The night before they had told Dene that he wasn't going to make it. They had explained to him how it would end. He would just fall asleep and not wake up. There was no medical hope of a recovery. I was upset to hear that. I had still believed there was a chance. I felt bad that I had told Dene he was going to be ok the night before. It was typical of him though. He knew otherwise which was why he'd come to see me. I think he wanted to say goodbye. He didn't want to upset me though. When he saw that I still had faith he left it at that. I still wanted to have faith. It just didn't seem possible now. I wanted to say goodbye too. I hadn't because it meant accepting what everyone had been trying to tell me. What I had been denying could happen. What Dene had been fighting against. What I realised was inevitable now.

I went to see Dene. I arrived to find him sitting in the living room watching TV under a rug.

"Hey Gav", he smiled, "Want to go for a cruise?" he asked.

"Sure, why not" I replied.

Dene got up and got ready. It took him a while to get on his shoes and jacket, even with the assistance of his mum. I don't think she was so keen on letting him go. She did but. Dene asked me if I'd like to drive. I said yes.

A couple of minutes later we were pulling out of the driveway and up the street.

"So where do you want to go?" I asked.

"Anywhere" he said then paused. "You know, I wish I knew what this thing could really do." He finished then looked across at me.

"You want to find out?" I asked.

"Ok" was the answer.

I headed for the motorway. It was about 3pm and the traffic was fairly heavy. Not traffic jams or anything. Just a fair few cars on the road. I pulled onto the on-ramp and floored it. Dene leaned across to check out the Speedo and rev counter. The Speedo hit 115km/h and I hit the breaks to avoid hitting the truck in front of us. A quick check in the mirror and I floored it again in conjunction with a lane change to the middle. The car dropped down a gear and produced a satisfying growl as it accelerated back up past 115km/h. I had a clear run now. The Speedo crept towards 130. Suddenly the traffic became heavy again. I wasn't letting off. A check of the mirrors and then a lane change to the inside to take advantage of a gap that had just opened up.

"140 at 4000rpm" Dene said "not bad."

I checked the dash. He was right. The car felt like it was going faster. The steering was sensitive to the smallest movement. We were feeling every imperfection in the road 10 times over. It must have been shaking Dene to pieces. He was enjoying it though and smiling. I was just concentrating on keeping us in one piece.

I sat at 140 for what seemed like a long time. I'm sure it wasn't though. Soon enough all the gaps closed and I caught up on slow traffic in front of me.

"Well, I think that might be the best we can do today in this traffic" I said.

"Yeah" agreed Dene. "Still, we didn't do too bad ay" he said.

"Nah man, this cars choice" I replied.

We decided to get off the motorway. It would be more interesting to get home through the suburbs. We cruised for a while and not much was said.

"Hey, want to go up Mt Eden?" I asked.

"Yeah, that'd be cool" Dene replied.

Mt Eden had been the scene of some of our more amusing missions. On a clear night you could see for miles. The lights were awesome. I took the turn off and headed up the side of what was too me really just a big hill. It did have a crater though, so it wasn't all bad. We got to the top and found a parking space that overlooked the city. It was quite a sight. I turned off the car and we sat silent for a moment.

"You want to hear my theory on life?" I asked. Not waiting for a reply I continued with, "Actually, I think I'll tell you anyway." I paused. I wasn't going to tell him it if he really didn't want to hear it. Dene had heard my whacked out theories on all sorts of things. Many times. He hadn't heard this one though. Of all my theory's I took this one the most seriously.

He didn't reply so I took that as my cue to continue.

"My theory on life goes something like this." I said. "All the people that you know and care about now, your family, friends and that, it's not a coincidence that they are your family and friends. I believe that we're all connected somehow on a higher level. When this life is over, I truly believe that there's another one where we'll all meet up again." I paused and looked over at Dene. He had closed his eyes.

"I really believe that" I repeated. "I mean, I don't believe that there's a heaven as such with one big dictator at the top of the chain. I just believe that all the players in this life play again in the next life but maybe in different roles. I don't even know for sure what the next life is. I do know that, me, you, your mum, dad, everyone, will meet again somehow. You know, I wouldn't be surprised if in some previous existence we were brothers." I paused "That's how my theory works."

That theory was my way of saying goodbye. I meant it though. I still believe in it to this day.

"Ok, time to go home?" I asked.

"Yeah, that sounds good" Dene said opening his eyes, "all of it."

It didn't take long to get back to Denes place from Mt Eden. When we got back his Mum and Dad were waiting for us along with a couple of cousins. Dene told them the story about the 140km/h at 4000rpm. Not everyone knew how to take it. There was a lot of "That's nice" and funny looks heading in my direction. I just smiled.

* * * * *

### CHAPTER Thirteen

August 20th. Almost two months to the day since Dene had discovered he was sick. It was a bleak day. Rain had set in early in the morning and continued throughout the day. It was a constant drizzle with low lying cloud loitering in the elevated areas of the city. I was at tech that day.

I had a late class and finished up at 5pm. I decided to visit Dene on my way home. By the time I had fought my way through the weather depressed traffic to Denes place it was around 6:30pm. I jumped out of the car, jogged to the gate and through up to the front door. I knocked softly. Denes Mum came to the door.

"Hi Eve" I said, "How's Dene?"

"Not too good I'm afraid" she replied, "he's actually with the healer at the moment".

"Oh, ok, that's alright, I'll come back tomorrow, I just stopped in on my way home to say hello" I said.

"No, come in, Denes always happy to see you, we'll just have to go into the back room until they're finished. Some of his friends from Selwyn are here as well". She said.

I agreed and followed her through to Denes room where everyone was waiting. Selwyn referred to Selwyn College. The school Dene had left Grammar to attend in the 6th form. I walked in and didn't recognise anyone. I made my way to an empty spot on the bed and sat down.

The conversation wasn't particularly riveting. It was just idle small talk I guess. I declined to participate. Eve must have noticed because she started to explain to everyone who I was. She started telling them about some of things Dene and I used to get up to. I smiled. I didn't realise she knew so much. She mentioned the long telephone conversations we used to have and how she could never get the phone. We both chuckled. Someone said "Yeah, You never could get off the phone from Dene". I'm sure she didn't mean it how it came out. In any case, if looks could kill, even taking into account my theory on life, the stares she got from Eve and myself would have taken her out of the game for a good while.

I decided I didn't like them.

A few minutes later the healer was finished and we went out to see Dene. The others crowded around him. They held his hands and started talking to him from both sides. He looked so very tired. It appeared to me as if he was having trouble keeping his head up. I stood in the background. This was the worst I had seen him and it shook me. I decided to try and set an example by leaving. I called out goodbye to Dene but he didn't hear me. I turned to leave but Eve stopped me. She moved over to Dene and told him I was going.

With what seemed to me to be one huge effort he lifted his head and pulled himself straight in his chair. His eyes opened wide and with a smile on his face he called out to me in the cheerful tone I had come to recognise over the years "Seeya Gav!"

"Seeya Dene" I replied as he collapsed back into his chair eyes drifting off. I turned and walked out the door.

Those were the final words Dene was ever to say to me. The last time I would see him alive.

The next day was a struggle. I kept thinking about how Dene had looked the previous day. I went to tech as usual but only had morning classes. By 2pm I was home. I was intending to visit Dene later in the afternoon. I wasn't looking forward to it. It hurt to see him like that. It hurt not to be able to do anything about it. I couldn't imagine how his parents felt. I spent my time bumming around. Doing nothing in particular. At about 4:30pm I got a phone call.

"Hello", I answered.

"Hi Gav, Its Denis here", the man's voice said. It was Denes Dad.

"Look, I've got some bad news" he continued.

This had been coming for two months. I should have been ready for it. I should have seen it coming. I wasn't and I didn't.

"Denes gone", he said.

I wanted to ask where, then I realised what he meant. I didn't believe it.

"What?" I asked.

It was the only thing I could think of to say. There was a pause on the line. I guess Denis didn't know what to make of it. A couple of seconds passed. I don't know why but the next thing I asked was if he went peacefully. For some reason it seemed important to know.

Denis explained what had happened. It was just like the doctors had said it would be. He went to sleep and didn't wake up. His last words were of his mother.

I thanked Denis for calling and hung up the phone. I had been composed throughout our conversation. I wasn't any longer. I felt myself beginning to cry and I filled with rage. I don't know why I was angry, I just was. I walked slowly and calmly to my room. I stopped in the center and looked around. I was shaking. Suddenly I lashed out at the nearest thing to me. It shattered into 100 pieces. I don't even remember what it was. I didn't feel any better. I flopped onto my bed and stared at the roof. How had this happened?

An hour later Mum and Dad arrived home. I heard the familiar pant of the Chev coming up the driveway. Externally I was calm again. Mum popped her head around my door and asked if I could help bring the groceries up. I didn't say anything, I just got up and walked outside. I made my way to the car and took hold of a box that was sitting in the boot. I paused, then matter of factually said "Dene's Dead", lifted the box and started walking to the house. Mum and Dad stood stunned as I walked past. I guess partly at the news of Dene. Partly at the way I told them.

I dropped the box off on the table and went back to my room. Mum followed me in. I was in no mood for talking though. She gave me a hug and left it at that. I laid on my bed and stared at the roof. How had this happened? I didn't get much sleep that night.

* * * * *

### CHAPTER forteen

A ray of sun cutting its way through the curtains woke me up. It seemed warm in my room. For a split second I thought it was all a dream. Dene was never sick. He certainly never died. Then I felt sick. That was the dream. As I awoke more it all came back to me. I didn't want to get up. I lay in bed for a while. I was thinking of what was to come. Mum walked in. She had made me some breakfast and brought it in. She sat down and started explaining to me the arrangements that had been made for Denes funeral. I was glad she had found that out. I don't think I would have been able too.

The next couple of days past quickly. It seemed as if they had all been rolled into one and put on fast forward. I got together with Amon and we went to see Eve. What do you say? People were also telling me that I should go and see Dene in the funeral home. I didn't want to. Eventually I did. It was strange to see him lying there. He looked as though he was asleep. It seemed like it would be a simple task to wake him up. I stood looking at him for a few moments. My gaze then moved slightly off. At that moment I could swear I saw him smile. I quickly focused back on him but he was as still as when I arrived. Obviously. I don't know if it helped to see him like that. I did anyway.

The funeral was quickly upon us. There was an amazing turnout. I guess I knew about half of the people there. I didn't make an effort to go and talk to anyone though. A couple of passing nods were the best anyone got out of me. Dene arrived in a early 80's Chevy Impala hearse. I guess he would have liked that. People started moving into the chapel. I went in with Danny and sat next to him. There wasn't enough room for everyone. There were people sitting on the floor at the front. People standing outside and listening through speakers.

The service began and I guess was much like any other. There was talk of the loss, talk of what a great person Dene was, talk about how unfair life can be. I felt the difference here was that although these things are said at most funerals, they are not often sincere. This time they were. The turnout alone told you that.

I didn't want to be there. I wouldn't have gone but I had promised. Dene had asked me seemingly jokingly those few short years ago. I never dreamed I would have to abide so soon.

The funeral was over, the hearse pulled out on its way to a private cremation. Denis invited everyone back to the Carlton rugby club for a wake. He said that he never got to put on a 21st for Dene. This would be it. Free drinks for all. I guess we all cope in different ways. Once again I didn't want to go. Someone pointed out that it would be a sign of respect to attend. So I did.

We arrived to find a party in full swing. I thought we'd come to the wrong place. I wasn't in the mood for fun and I didn't want a drink. I never could quite work that out. Later somebody told me that in many cultures it was traditional. You celebrate the person's life once their gone. Like I say I guess we all cope in different ways. That wasn't my way. I took a seat with my family. I sat uneasily and scanned the room. I saw quite a few people from my past. People I had once been good friends with. I stayed where I was.

I saw Eve enter with Denis. She looked stunned. It was no wonder. I got up and went over to see her. Once again condolences were given. It seems so pointless to do so. You do anyway.

We only stayed for 10 minutes. I wanted to get out of there as soon as possible. We left. When we got home I asked Danny if he wanted to kick the ball around. He did. I enjoyed kicking the ball around.

I went to see Eve quite often after that. I only went to see Dennis a couple of times. I feel kinda bad about it. Still, I think Eve needed the support more. I don't think either of them will get over it. I think they'll just learn to accept it a bit more every day.

About a month after the funeral they decided to spread some of Denes ashes at Selwyn College. The school offered to set up a plaque and plant a tree in remembrance of Dene. There was a small ceremony, which I attended. It rained that day. It rains quite often.

I decided the best way to deal with all this was to ignore it. To be a hard man. I felt sure that it would work. After all, if you don't care about anything, how can anything hurt you? It doesn't work. It took me a long time to realise that. You can't stop the dreams. The dreams are the worst. They seem so real. When you wake up, for a split second you can't tell the dream from the truth. A moment of happiness, followed immediately by pain.

Time does ease though. I think that's the best you can hope for. I still occasionally do something and think to myself, I'll ring Dene later and tell him about that. It sucks.

The saying "Life goes on" is true. It goes on and on. This was my first real experience of loss. It was far from my last. You have to learn how to deal with it. It's not easy but that's the game you have to play.

* * * * *

### CHAPTER fifteen

"Gavin Picknell". I looked up. "Is there a Gavin Picknell here?" the voice asked.

I cleared my head and realised where I was. I stood up and called out "Yep, over here". "Come through" was the flat response.

I picked my bag up off the ground and put my book in. I glanced around the social welfare office. The place couldn't help but depress you. I had decided that I would do my best to not have to depend on this place for my whole life. I had been given a chance. An opportunity. I couldn't guarantee that I wouldn't blow it. But I'd do my best.

A part of everything I would achieve from now would belong to Dene. He had taught me to never give up. Always give yourself a chance. Always aim high because if you work hard enough you just might achieve it. He told me that he regretted never having made his mark in life. Any mark that I could make, however small, would always owe something do him. That was his mark.

I would never forget him. Or the good times we had together. As long as I lived, he would live on with me.

I miss you buddy. We all do.
