Hey!
Loretta Jenkins here-
(coughs)
-with another How I Seize It
and man…IDK what the hell is wrong with
me,
but I been feelin’ like shit
ever since I went to that
damn water park the other day.
But uh…
(blows nose)
…ewwwww.
I had a booger in my mouth.
Why is there so many goddang kids there?
You know some sumbitch momma done got me
banned from that slip-slidin’ place over
there.
(coughs)
Just cause I didn’t want no tan lines.
She said I exposed my titties
to her youngins.
I told her I was just tryin’
to take a nap while sunbathin’
and when my bra strap snapped
and BOOM…my titties is suckin’ up the
sun.
What the fuck you want me
to do about that?
I was asleep, goddamnit!
They got a mind of they own.
Stop stigmatizin’ titties…especially mine!
How we know her kids
didn’t come over there and unleash my titties.
Pre-pervs…
Yep, so they kicked my ass out.
You know who they ought to be
kickin’ out of these places?
All them nut job anti-vaxxers.
(retching)
Oh God, I hope I ain’t prego.
Oh Hell, I know that ain’t right.
We fix that the other day.
Lord, it’s hot in here though.
I’m gonna have to cancel Dr. Feelgood
and go to the Minute Clinic.
I don’t think just a dick
is gonna make me feel better this time.
I might need some real medical attention.
I’m gonna catch y’all in a minute.
(musicl)
Well sumbitch!
That doctor done told me I somehow
contracted the measles!
WTF is this 1800s or somethin’?
You know who’s more crazier than me
and ought to be banned from public places?
All these idiot anti-vaxxers
bringing’ back the black plague of death.
You ought to get your kids confiscated
And you ought to be sterilized.
Look at me!
Thank God for 20 or so Benadryls.
This ain’t my day!
I’m loopy today.
Oh my fuckin’ God,
(dog scratching)
now my dog done got the measles.
Do y’all know that the shingles virus
is already inside of you?
Fuckin’ Koch Brothers…
Hey y’all know them anti-vaxxers
got themselves a poster child.
That Jenny McCarthy.
She was on The View for like 5 minutes or
somethin’.
Did y’all see her on New Years,
slobberin’ all over that ugly Wahlberg brother?
You think vaccinations is bad,
you let a doctor hack up your face
and pump you up fulla poison
so you look like a circus freak
and everybody else in Hollywood.
Shut up, Jimmy-
Jenny!
And look, I don’t know what the fuck
causes autisms,
but fuck…everything got a side effect.
I think it’s not so bad of a trade-off
to make sure we don’t all die
from communicatable diseases
just cause you all got a theory
on why your kids all Rainman and shit.
K-Mart sucks-
Take them to Las Vegas like Tom Cruise
and use that shit to your advantage.
That’s like makin’ lemons outta lemonade.
Hey Hippies, America shouldn’t pay
for all your unproven hysteria.
Come back with some facts, caprice?
News flash!
Did y’all hear about them mommas
that wants to have-
They advertise like a birthday party
but it’s like a measles contraction party.
They want all their kids
to sneeze and cough and wheeze on each other,
so that they get chicken pox!
This world’s goin’ to hell.
Do you know that the shingles virus
is already inside of you?
That’s okay.
Cause I got me a secret stash of Oxys
for when that day come.
I’m just gonna zone and ride that one out.
I say we ought to let them all think that
way.
Give them what they want.
Shit, put them in a BioDome
and let them see what
turnt-loose diseases is capable of!
Cause I don’t think we got enough resources
out there for everybody
in the whole dang country
to have an iron lung.
Do we?
I’m gonna have to tweet
Al Gore and the CDC on that one.
Hey you know what?
I’m gonna sponsor me a litigation
against them anti-vaxxers
what gived me the polio-mumps.
You ought to get to sue them
for endangerin’ the public health sector.
Don’t you think?
That’s How I Seize It!
My titty itches!!!
