>> TODAY, VERMONT THAT'S RIGHT
BERNIE SANDERS KICKED OFF HIS
CAMPAIGN FOR PRESIDENT.
>> HE'S A LONG SHOT.
>> A LONG SHOT.
>> I DON'T THINK HE'S GOING TO
BE TAKEN TOO INCREDIBLY.
>> BERNIE SANDERS A SOCIALIST,
FOR GOD'S SAKE.
>> I THICK BROOKLYN ACCENT.
>> HE'S 73 YEARS OLD, HE LOOKS
91.
> HE''S A LITTLE CRUSTY.
>> HE'S A LOON, ISN'T HE?
>> Jon: HE OWNS A V.H.S. COPY OF
TOOTSIE!
THAT LAST ONE SEEMED KIND OF
LIKE A WEIRD SLAM.
TOOTSIE IS A FINE FILM
CERTAINLY THE BEST
CROSS-DRESSING DUSTIN HOFFMAN
MOVIE THAT'S BEEN RELEASED
PUBLICLY.
(LAUGHTER)
BUT YOU KNOW, THE POINT IS
SANDER 'S A LOON!
HE WEARS SOCKS ON HIS HANDS AND
GLOVES ON HIS FEET!
HE BUTTERS HIS BREAD WITH
VASELINE!
HE LIVES IN A PINEAPPLE UNDER
THE SEA.
IF SALVADOR DALI AND DR. SEUESS
HAD A CHILD, AND THAT CHILD WAS
RAISED BY SCHIZOPRHENIC HOWLER
MONKEYS, IT WOULD BE BERNIE
SANDERS!
GIVE ME A TASTE OF THIS CRAZY
CUCKOO BIRD!
>> IF A BANK IS TOO BIG TO FAIL,
THAT BANKS IS TOO BIG TO EXIST.
WE MUST ESTABLISH PAY EQUITY FOR
WOMEN WORKERS.
WE MUST BE FOCUSED ON CAMPAIGN
FINANCE REFORM... INSTEAD OF
CUTTING SOCIAL SECURITY, WE ARE
GOING TO EXPAND SOCIAL SECURITY
BENEFITS!
>> Jon: WHAT A -- A -- A
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
WHAT A RATIONAL, SLIGHTLY LEFT
OF CENTER,  MAINSTREAM
POLITICIAN.
I MEAN, HE'S EXCITABLE,
CERTAINLY UNPOLISHED, AS
EVIDENCED BY HIS TO DELIVER HIS
INCOME EQUALITY SPEECH IN FRONT 
OF A REGATTA.
BUT HE'S NOT CRAZY.
THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN SANDERS
AND HILLARY CLINTON, BESIDES THE
FACT SHE HAS HER OWN INTERNET
SERVICE IN HER HOUSE AND HE
ISN'T SURE HE'S ONLINE UNLESS HE
HEARS THIS --
[MODEM SOUND] 
>> WELCOME.
>> Jon: BUT THE REAL DIFFERENCE
IS, HILLARY HAS PROFESSIONAL
IMAGE HANDLERS...
TELLING HER TO COMB HER HAIR --
TODAY... AND TOMORROW... MAKE
IT A REGULAR THING.
AND HILLARY INSTEAD OF USING
YOUR ACTUAL VOICE, MAKE IT SOUND
LIKE YOU'RE FROM WHATEVER REGION
IT IS YOU'RE TALKING TO.
IN FACT, HERE'S THE ILLINOIS-
BORN, NEW ENGLAND-EDUCATED 
SENATOR SPEAKING IN SOUTH
CAROLINA.
>> I'M AWARE I MAY NOT BE THE
YOUNGEST CANDIDATE IN THIS RACE,
BUT I HAVE ONE BIG ADVANTAGE, I
HAVE BEEN COLORING MY HAIR FOR
YEARS!
(LAUGHTER)
>> Jon: NOW ANYWAY, IF Y'ALL
EXCUSE ME, I HAVE TO GET 
SHELL BY'S JUICE!
SHE'S HAVING A FIT!
WHERE ARE MY FRAYED GREEN
TOMATOES!
LISTEN UP, SENATOR, I'LL DO THE
LINDSAY LOHAN IMPRESSIONS AROUND
HERE, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
THE PROBLEM ISN'T BERNIE SANDERS
IS A CRAZY PANTS CUCKOO BIRD,
IT'S ALL WE'VE BECOME SO
ACCUSTOMED TO STAGE MANAGED,
FOCUS-DRIVEN CANDIDATES THAT
AUTHENTICITY COMES ACROSS AS
LUNACY.
>> HE MAY BE THE MOST UNUSUAL
PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE WE'VE
SEEN IN A LONG TIME.
>> Jon: IF BY UNUSUAL YOU MEAN
HONESTLY REPRESENTING HIMSELF IN
HIS BELIEFS RATHER THAN PLAYING
A CYNICAL POLITICAL GAME, BUT IF
YOU MEAN MOST UNUSUAL CANDIDATE
AS IN CRAZY, I CAN REFUTE THAT
ASSERTION IN THREE SIMPLE
WORDS --
>> AHHH!
SHUCKY DUCKY!
>> Jon: SHUCKY DUCKY INDEED.
